Datasets:

sedthh

/

tv_dialogue

like 12

Friends - The One Where No One Proposes [Rachel Green] Joey. [Rachel Green] Oh my God. Okay. [Rachel Green] So uh...I guess we should...make it official huh? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh... Look Rach... Hey Ross is here! Hey look! It's my good friend Ross. Hey Ross. [Ross Geller] Hey Joey. Hey you. [Rachel Green] Hey you. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but I'm really more of a candy guy. [Ross Geller] You're weird today. Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you about something. [Rachel Green] Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too. [Ross Geller] Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute? [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Ross Geller] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I'm sorry. I meant no. [Monica Geller] Hi! Hey look who's here! [Jack Geller] Where's my granddaughter? I've been practicing my magic tricks. [Chandler Bing] He pulled a quarter out of my ear! [Ross Geller] Hey, where's uh, where's mom? [Jack Geller] She went to pick up Aunt Liddy. [Monica Geller] Oh, Aunt Liddy's coming? That means we get five dollars each! [Jack Geller] So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? [Chandler Bing] Okay. Wow. [Ross Geller] Uh Dad, Emma's in the nursery. I'll take you now. If you want, but I really want to talk to you. [Rachel Green] I know, I still need to talk to you. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh hey but, before you guys do that I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh and I need to talk to you. [Monica Geller] About what? [Phoebe Buffay] To see if know what these guys are talking about. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Isn't she beautiful? [Jack Geller] Look at her, my first grandchild. [Ross Geller] What about Ben? [Jack Geller] Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. Wow. [Phoebe Buffay] Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel? [Ross Geller] Oh well yeah, actually I was going to talk to her when you guys all came in the room. [Phoebe Buffay] Yay! It's so exciting! Wow, you could've done that with us there. [Ross Geller] Yeah right. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh sure okay, you can touch yourself in front of us but you can't talk to Rachel. [Ross Geller] What?! When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh please! Just before when you were asleep in the lounge! That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV. Oh, that reminds me. That Mr. Hasmeje still has my Gameboy. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Chandler, can I talk to you for a second? [Chandler Bing] Sure. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude I just did something terrible. [Chandler Bing] That was you?! I thought it was Jack! [Joey Tribbiani] No! No, that was Jack! Rachel thinks I asked her to marry me! [Chandler Bing] What?! Why does she think that? [Joey Tribbiani] Because it kinda looked like I did. [Chandler Bing] Again, what?! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay well, I was down on one knee with the ring in my hand. [Chandler Bing] As we all are at some point during the day. [Joey Tribbiani] It wasn't my ring! It fell out of Ross's jacket! And when I knelt down to pick it up Rachel thought I was proposing! [Chandler Bing] Ross had a ring?! And he was gonna propose? [Joey Tribbiani] I guess. [Chandler Bing] And you did it first?! This is gonna kill him! You know how much he loves to propose! [Joey Tribbiani] I know! I know it's awful. [Chandler Bing] Well, what did she say? [Joey Tribbiani] She said yes. [Chandler Bing] Does Ross know? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh God, what the hell am I going to tell him? [Chandler Bing] Well maybe you don't have to tell him anything. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I like that. Yeah. [Chandler Bing] If you clear things up with Rachel then Ross never needs to find out, but you have to do it now before he hears about it and kicks your ass! [Joey Tribbiani] Now let's not get carried away. [Monica Geller] I want a baby. [Chandler Bing] Honey, we've been over this. I need to be facing the other way. [Monica Geller] Come on! Come on, if we have sex again it'll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closet's still available? [Chandler Bing] I'm so tired. Yeah okay, but no foreplay. [Monica Geller] Deal! [Ross Geller] Dad seriously! Y'know you really should see someone about that! [Jack Geller] Noted. [Ross Geller] I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit? [Jack Geller] Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever. [Ross Geller] Actually umm... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi. [Phoebe Buffay] Are you all right? [Rachel Green] Uhh... I think I just got engaged. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! He did it? [Rachel Green] Well...did you know he was gonna ask me? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding? I'm like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group. [Rachel Green] And you really think this is a good idea? [Phoebe Buffay] I just talked him into it, don't tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people. [Rachel Green] I just don't know! It just doesn't feel right. [Phoebe Buffay] Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so. [Rachel Green] Really?! Even Ross? [Phoebe Buffay] Especially Ross! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh y'know what? I'll-I'll come back later. [Ross Geller] Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. I'll guess just...I'll come back. [Phoebe Buffay] There he goes, your fiance. [Rachel Green] I guess so. [Phoebe Buffay] Although he does play with himself in his sleep. [Rachel Green] I can't say that I'm surprised. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Dad, what are you doing? [Jack Geller] I think there are people in there having sex. [Joey Tribbiani] It can't be me, I'm standing right here. [Jack Geller] Wanna peek? [Ross Geller] No! [Jack Geller] Come on! [Ross Geller] Y'know what? I don't like you without mom. Come on. [Joey Tribbiani] We're not peeking? [Jack Geller] Well I'm peeking. Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] Hello sir, you know Monica. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey uh, is it okay to come in? [Rachel Green] Of course! Oh Joey, this ring I...it's beautiful I love it! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah uh look Rach, there's something I gotta tell ya. [Rachel Green] Hey! [Nurse] Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again? [Rachel Green] Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she won't take my breast? [Nurse] It's all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but don't worry. It'll happen. [Joey Tribbiani] Yowsa! [Rachel Green] Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth. [Joey Tribbiani] Dear Lord. [Rachel Green] I'm sorry honey, what were you saying? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that. [Rachel Green] Oh look, she's pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? She looks scared. Doesn't she look scared? [Joey Tribbiani] Y'know, I don't really know her. [Nurse] Why don't we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. [Joey Tribbiani] Are you kidding me?! [Rachel Green] It's just so frustrating! Why doesn't she want my breast?! [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know! Maybe she's crazy! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Oh hey! Wait up! [Ross Geller] Hi! [Phoebe Buffay] Congratulations! I didn't want to say anything in front of Joey 'cause I didn't know if he knew yet. [Ross Geller] What, that we had a baby? Come on let's give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier. [Phoebe Buffay] No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged! [Ross Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, it's a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We haven't done the secret thing in a long time. [Ross Geller] Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didn't propose. [Phoebe Buffay] Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor? [Ross Geller] I am a doctor! Y'know what? I'm just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, me too. Should we wake her up? [Ross Geller] No! No, come on let her sleep! She's so exhausted. [Phoebe Buffay] And so engaged. [Ross Geller] What? Oh my God! She-she thinks we're engaged! Why? Why? Why would she think we're engaged?! [Phoebe Buffay] Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Y'know Ross doctors are supposed to be smart. [Ross Geller] I didn't give her that ring! [Phoebe Buffay] Really? [Ross Geller] No! [Phoebe Buffay] So whose ring is it? [Ross Geller] It's mine. [Phoebe Buffay] Is it an engagement ring? [Ross Geller] Yes! [Phoebe Buffay] But you didn't give it to her? [Ross Geller] No! [Phoebe Buffay] But you were going to propose? [Ross Geller] No!! [Phoebe Buffay] Huh, I might be losing interest in this. [Ross Geller] Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she maybe...kinda...wanted ah...start...things up again. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment. [Ross Geller] Look, I didn't want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didn't want to either. But I don't, I don't understand how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, and-and just start telling people? [Phoebe Buffay] No! No, she said you actually proposed to her. [Ross Geller] Well I didn't! I didn't propose! Unless uh... Did I? I haven't slept in forty hours and...it does sound like something I would do. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Look, we can't stay in here forever. [Monica Geller] Oh, I still can't believe my dad saw us having sex! He didn't make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees! [Chandler Bing] This is okay. We're all adults here; there's nothing to be ashamed of. Now, let's put our underwear in our pockets and walk out the door. [Monica Geller] Hi Dad! I can still call you that right? [Jack Geller] Of course. I'll always be your dad. [Chandler Bing] I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun. [Monica Geller] It wasn't fun?! [Chandler Bing] Why? Why-why-would you-Wh-why... Look, I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want. [Jack Geller] Oh, I don't think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time. [Monica Geller] The truth is, Dad, we're-we're trying. [Jack Geller] What? [Monica Geller] Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant. [Jack Geller] Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! I'll guard the door! [Monica Geller] Well, that's okay dad, we-we can wait until later. [Jack Geller] Whoa-whoa-whoa! I don't think so! Aren't you ovulating? [Monica Geller] Daddy?! [Jack Geller] Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it. That's how I got my bad hip. [Chandler Bing] That's funny, this conversation's how I got the bullet hole in my head. [Jack Geller] This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was. [Monica Geller] Daddy! I don't think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex. [Jack Geller] You're right, you're right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position for conceiving a child, although it might feel good. [Monica Geller] I don't feel good right now. [Jack Geller] But pleasure is important, and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor? [Chandler Bing] Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Hey. I need to tell you something. [Monica Geller] Well, now's a good time. I'm on my way to have my ears cut off. [Rachel Green] Joey asked me marry him. [Monica Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Joey proposed to me. [Monica Geller] Is he crazy?! You just had Ross's baby! [Rachel Green] Well, I-I said yes. [Monica Geller] What?! Are you crazy? You just had Ross's baby! It's-it's so inappropriate. No, it's worse than that. It's wrong. It's... It is bigger than mine! [Rachel Green] I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much. [Monica Geller] You can't marry him! [Rachel Green] Why not? I don't want to do this alone! And he's such a sweet guy and he loves me so much. [Monica Geller] Well do you love him? [Rachel Green] Sure. [Monica Geller] Sure? [Rachel Green] Yeah, I mean whatever. [Monica Geller] Honey, the question is...do you really want to marry Joey? [Rachel Green] No. No, I don't. Could you be a dear and go tell him? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] You still haven't told Rachel you weren't really proposing? [Joey Tribbiani] No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out. [Chandler Bing] Joey, you have to tell her what's going on! And what did it look like?! [Joey Tribbiani] I didn't look at it. Stupid baby's head was blocking most of it. [Chandler Bing] Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, it's not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I don't want to hurt her. [Chandler Bing] Okay, look, just do it gently. [Joey Tribbiani] You're right. You're right. I-I'll go tell her now before Ross finds out and I'll be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there if you want to check that out. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Hey. [Ross Geller] Listen, I um... I heard about the engagement. [Rachel Green] Surprised? [Ross Geller] And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I um...I didn't propose to you. [Rachel Green] I know. [Ross Geller] I don't think you do. [Rachel Green] You didn't propose to me. Joey did. [Ross Geller] Poor baby, you're so tired. Rach, I didn't propose to you, Joey didn't propose to you, and Chandler didn't propose to you. [Rachel Green] Uh... You didn't propose to me, Chandler didn't propose to me, but Joey did. [Ross Geller] Joey proposed to you? [Joey Tribbiani] I can come back. [Ross Geller] Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her? [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Rachel Green] Yes you did! [Joey Tribbiani] Actually, technically, I didn't. [Rachel Green] Well then why did you give me a ring? [Ross Geller] Wait! Whoa-whoa, you...you gave her the ring? [Joey Tribbiani] No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me! [Rachel Green] Yes, you did! [Joey Tribbiani] No, I didn't! [Rachel Green] Yes, you did! [Joey Tribbiani] No, I didn't! [Rachel Green] Yes, you did! And don't you say, "No, I didn't!" [Joey Tribbiani] Ahhh! [Rachel Green] He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed. [Ross Geller] Whoa! You were down on one knee? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didn't...I didn't propose! [Ross Geller] Then what did happen? [Rachel Green] Yeah, what did happen? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing. [Rachel Green] Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?" [Joey Tribbiani] No, I didn't! [Rachel Green] Yes, you did! [Joey Tribbiani] No, I didn't! [Rachel Green] Yes, you did-Oh my God you didn't! Well then why didn't you tell me that before?! [Joey Tribbiani] Well I tried, but people kept coming in and then you took your breast out! [Ross Geller] Whoa! Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa, you saw her breast?! [Joey Tribbiani] I'll tell you about it later. Be cool. [Rachel Green] Well then Joey, what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?! [Joey Tribbiani] It wasn't my ring! It's Ross's ring! That's why I felt so bad Rach, because he was going to propose. [Ross Geller] What?! [Rachel Green] You were gonna propose to me? [Ross Geller] Uhh... No. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, this is awkward. [Ross Geller] But I-I was going to see if y'know, maybe you uh, start dating again but that-I mean that-that was all, Rach. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, step up! I proposed. [Ross Geller] No, you didn't! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh that's right. There's a lot going on here and I think I ate some bad fruit earlier. [Nurse] Hey, she just woke up! She's hungry. Why don't we give this another try? [Rachel Green] Okay. [Ross Geller] I can't believe you told her I was going to propose! [Joey Tribbiani] I can't believe you're not going to propose! [Ross Geller] Hey, I'm not going to rush into anything! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh yeah, dude, I totally understand. Usually after I have a baby with a woman I like to slow things down! [Rachel Green] Oh my God! [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] She's doing it Look, she's breast-feeding look! [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, it's beautiful. [Nurse] I'll come back for her later. [Rachel Green] Okay. [Ross Geller] Thank you. [Rachel Green] Oh wow, this feels weird. [Ross Geller] Good weird? [Rachel Green] Wonderful weird. [Joey Tribbiani] Y'know what you guys? I'm uh, I'm gonna go too. And uh, I'm sorry about everything. [Rachel Green] Honey don't worry, it was my mistake. [Joey Tribbiani] No, Rach, I should've told you sooner. It's just that...Man! That kid is going to town! [Rachel Green] She's perfect. [Ross Geller] We're so lucky. [Rachel Green] We really are. [Ross Geller] Look, I-I know it's not a proposal and I don't know where you are, but with everything that's been going on and with Emma and...I've been feeling. [Rachel Green] I know. I know. I've feeling. [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] Okay, well, that... Wow, okay, well, umm...then maybe, at least we can, we can talk about us again. [Rachel Green] Yeah, maybe. [Ross Geller] Well good, okay. I-I, kind of think y'know if we...if You're wearing the ring. [Rachel Green] Wh-what's that? [Ross Geller] And you told Phoebe you were engaged. [Rachel Green] I'm sorry, what? [Ross Geller] When you thought Joey proposed did...did you say yes? --------------------------------------- [Jack Geller] Kids, I spoke to a doctor and picked up this pamphlets on how to get pregnant. [Monica Geller] Hey dad! [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Jack Geller] Sorry to bother you again, but could you pass my pamphlets back? Thank you.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e01", "title": "The One Where No One Proposes"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Emma Cries [Ross Geller] You said you'd marry Joey? [Rachel Green] Okay you have to realize, I was exhausted, I was emotional, I would have said yes to anybody. Like that time you and I got married! I'm not helping. [Ross Geller] So you said yes to him, and you just had our baby? [Rachel Green] That is right and traditionally the daddy is supposed to give the mummy a present but I am prepared to let that go. [Ross Geller] So when I came in here to see if you wanted to maybe start things up again, you were engaged to my best friend. [Rachel Green] Well-Really? I thought Chandler was your best friend. [Ross Geller] Well, Chandler's my oldest friend, but Joey's my-No! Ah! [Rachel Green] Ooooo! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey you guys I'm gonna take off. I just wanted to let you guys know, say goodbye. [Ross Geller] Rachel said she'd marry you?! [Joey Tribbiani] This isn't the right room, sorry folks. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Ok, I don't wanna be negative so I'll say that most of the signs you bought are good. [Phoebe Buffay] No they ran out of "It's a girl" but I can fix this one, See? [Monica Geller] So sexy. Honey. [Chandler Bing] Yea yea. [Monica Geller] Honey why don't you go lie down. [Chandler Bing] No, no, Ross and Rachel will be back soon and then I gotta go to the office Am I producing them? [Joey Tribbiani] Why're you so tired? [Chandler Bing] Couldn't sleep last night you know, then I started worrying about this big divisional meeting that I have later today, the more I worried about it the more I couldn't sleep. Y'know? I was like, if I fall asleep now I'll get six hours sleep, but if I fall asleep now I'll get five hours sleep. Not matter what I did I couldn't fall asleep. [Joey Tribbiani] You know what you should've done, you should have told yourself that little story. [Rachel Green] Hi! [#ALL#] Hi, welcome home! [Monica Geller] Phoebe did the signs! [Rachel Green] Oh you guys thanks for doing this. [Phoebe Buffay] Look at all the stuff people sent! [Rachel Green] Oh Ah! Oh my gosh there's something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment! What are people think... Oh you guys I love it. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey so where's Ross? [Rachel Green] He's downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab. [Joey Tribbiani] Is he still mad at us? [Rachel Green] Well, you more then me, but he can't stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby. [Joey Tribbiani] That's not fair! I can't do that. [Rachel Green] Yeah, I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up. [Joey Tribbiani] See this is what I was afraid of, I didn't think I should be here either but somebody said he'd be over it by now. [Chandler Bing] Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla. --------------------------------------- [Ms. Mckenna] The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers have reported disappointing fields. [Ms. Mckenna] Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you I'll go straight to my forty two point plan. [Chandler Bing] Walter . --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] She's just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy. [Monica Geller] Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket. [Ross Geller] Okay I put most of the stuff away. [Rachel Green] Oh great, the pacifiers? [Ross Geller] In the closet. [Rachel Green] The burping clogs? [Ross Geller] Linen closet. [Rachel Green] The diapers? [Ross Geller] In the hospital. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow you guys got a hospital? Fancy! [Ross Geller] No I left the diapers at the hospital! There's some in the bag but I'll run out and get some more. [Rachel Green] Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin? [Ross Geller] Sure what kind? [Rachel Green] Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t... [Ross Geller] Please take your time, it's an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a muffin. [Rachel Green] Blueberry. [Ross Geller] Blueberry it is. [Rachel Green] Thanks. [Monica Geller] Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he? [Rachel Green] God how long do you think that's gonna last? [Phoebe Buffay] I dunno, well he got over the "We were on a break" thing really quickly. [Rachel Green] Y'know I can't even worry about that right now, cause I got the cutie little baby, oh I can't believe how much I love her, I can't get enough of her, like right now I miss her. I actually miss her. [Phoebe Buffay] You know that's... that's her. [Rachel Green] Oh god look at her sleeping. Oh, I love her so much! Oh, I think I'm gonna wake her up. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, Rach, no no, you know you're never supposed to wake a sleeping baby. [Rachel Green] Well I can do whatever I want! I made her! Come on little girl, hi! [Phoebe Buffay] I can say I told you so but she's kinda doing that for me. [Rachel Green] Oh I'm sorry mummy's so sorry go back to sleep go back to sleep. Shh. Shhh! Go back to sleep. [Monica Geller] Breaks your heart doesn't it. [Phoebe Buffay] It really does... how long do you think we have to stay? --------------------------------------- [Ms. Mckenna] Ok if everyone's on board, it's settled, Chandler, Chandler? [Chandler Bing] Yep. [Ms. Mckenna] Are you on board? [Chandler Bing] Yes. [Ms. Mckenna] Then, problem solved. Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa. You're gonna love Oklahoma. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Well, alright, we already tried feeding her, changing her, burping her, oh try this one! Go back in time and listen to Phoebe! [Monica Geller] Alright here's something, it says to try holding the baby close to your body and then swing her rapidly from side to side. [Rachel Green] Ok. [Monica Geller] It worked! [Rachel Green] Oh oh no just stopped to throw up a little bit. Oh come on, what am I gonna do, its been hours and it won't stop crying. [Monica Geller] Umm, she Rach, not it, she. [Rachel Green] Yeah, I'm not so sure. [Monica Geller] Oh my god, I am losing my mind. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, no kidding, this just proves no good can come from having sex with Ross! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey Gunther, can I get a couple of blueberry muffins to go? [Gunther] Diapers huh? [Ross Geller] Yep. [Gunther] So I guess Rachel had you baby? [Ross Geller] Yep, can you believe it? [Gunther] Nope! I still can't believe she slept with you in the first place. [Ross Geller] Huh? Ooh you mean like a... Huh? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. Ross, I know you're pissed at me, but we have to talk about this. [Ross Geller] Ah actually we don't. [Joey Tribbiani] Fine, fine okay. But I gotta say technically, I didn't even do anything wrong. [Ross Geller] What! You didn't do anything wrong?! [Joey Tribbiani] I said I didn't technically. [Ross Geller] Okay let's put aside that you "accidentally" picked up my grandmothers ring and you "accidentally" proposed to Rachel. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, can I just stop you right there for a second? When people do this I don't really know what that means. You were saying? [Ross Geller] And I can even understand that you couldn't tell Rachel, but why couldn't you tell me, huh? You had all day to and you didn't. [Joey Tribbiani] I know I should've. "I'm sorry." [Ross Geller] Not using it right, Joe. [Ross Geller] I'm gonna go. [Joey Tribbiani] No, come on Ross! Look, Ross, we have to get past this. [Ross Geller] Give me the bag. [Joey Tribbiani] No, look, I don't know what else to do. I said I'm sorry! [Ross Geller] Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] You should scream at me, or-or-or curse me, or hit me. [Ross Geller] I'm not gonna hit you. [Joey Tribbiani] Why not? You'll feel better! I'll feel better, and you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes. [Ross Geller] No I don't. [Joey Tribbiani] A little bit. [Ross Geller] No. [Joey Tribbiani] Little bit. [Ross Geller] No! [Joey Tribbiani] A little bit more. [Ross Geller] Give me the bag. [Joey Tribbiani] No, hit me. [Ross Geller] Give me the bag. [Joey Tribbiani] Hit me. [Ross Geller] Joey, give me the bag. [Joey Tribbiani] Hit me! [Ross Geller] Joe I'm not kidding. [Joey Tribbiani] Hit me, hit me. [Ross Geller] No! [Joey Tribbiani] Hit me! Hit me! [Ross Geller] You ducked!! [Joey Tribbiani] I'm sorry! It was a reflex! [Ross Geller] Oh my god, this really hurts!!! [Joey Tribbiani] I couldn't help it! When a fist comes at your face, you duck! Look! [Ross Geller] What is the matter with you?!? [Joey Tribbiani] You were supposed to duck!!! Why didn't you duck? [Ross Geller] Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital? [Joey Tribbiani] Good, good yeah, maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes. "Oops." --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Try feeding her again. [Rachel Green] I already fed her. [Monica Geller] I know, that's why I said again! [Phoebe Buffay] Alright you guys, we can't turn on each other, Okay? That's just what she wants. [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Monica Geller] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Monica can I talk to you outside for a minute? [Rachel Green] Oh no, you guys, just stay here, I'm gonna go check her diaper, Pheebs you wanna come? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh I'm kinda part of this. [Chandler Bing] Actually Pheebs its more of a husband and wife kinda thing. [Phoebe Buffay] I knew I should have married Chandler. [Monica Geller] Okay what's up. [Chandler Bing] Umm, you know how we always said that it would be fun to move to Paris for a year? You know, you could study French cooking and I could write and we could take a picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux? [Monica Geller] Oh yeah . [Chandler Bing] Okay, you know how that people say that Tulsa is the Paris of Oklahoma? [Monica Geller] What? Who says that? [Chandler Bing] People who've never ever been to Paris. [Monica Geller] What's going on? [Chandler Bing] We're moving to Tulsa! [Monica Geller] Excuse me? [Chandler Bing] Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes. [Monica Geller] Tulsa, Oklahoma! [Chandler Bing] The Sooner State, whatever that is. [Monica Geller] Chandler, I don't even wanna see the musical Oklahoma! [Chandler Bing] Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top. [Monica Geller] Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma, or that you're gay? All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise? [Chandler Bing] No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. I'll get out of it. [Monica Geller] Thank you. [Chandler Bing] What is wrong with Emma? [Monica Geller] Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Umm ma'am, do you have a minute? I kind of have some bad news. I don't think I can move to Tulsa. [Ms. Mckenna] What? [Chandler Bing] It's a funny story, actually. I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying. [Ms. Mckenna] You fell asleep? [Chandler Bing] But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, ain't that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright . See, here's the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she won't go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is heaven! Tulsa is Italy-Please don't make me go there! [Ms. Mckenna] Chandler, I. [Chandler Bing] No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great picture of your son, strapping! That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it, well she's lovely. I like a girl with a strong jaw. I'll call you from Tulsa. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, so how is it? [Ross Geller] I broke my thumb. [Joey Tribbiani] Your thumb? That's weird. You sure you're punching right? Make a fist. Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible. [Ross Geller] You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. [Joey Tribbiani] You, you want me to help you with that? [Ross Geller] Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my misshapen claw? [Joey Tribbiani] Name? I know Ross but what's it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher. [Ross Geller] Just Ross! [Joey Tribbiani] It's pretty, Okay date of birth? [Ross Geller] You know my birthday. [Joey Tribbiani] Sure, May...tember. [Ross Geller] October 18th. [Joey Tribbiani] Occupation? Dinosaurs. [Ross Geller] Actually I'm a palian... Dinosaurs is fine... the drawing is not. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, who do you want as your emergency contact? [Ross Geller] Ah, Rachel I guess. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, relationship, boy this could take a while. [Ross Geller] Just ah... just put roommate. [Joey Tribbiani] Come on, you guys are more then that! I mean, you're gonna get together right? [Ross Geller] I don't think that we are. [Joey Tribbiani] But you two were supposed to be together. [Ross Geller] Well, I thought so too, but then she said she'd marry you. [Joey Tribbiani] Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything! She just had the baby, she was all freaked out about doing it alone, she would have said yes to anybody. [Ross Geller] Yeah that's what she said. [Joey Tribbiani] So? [Ross Geller] So I don't wanna be just anybody. [Joey Tribbiani] Wow. [Ross Geller] You know what, it's, it's better this way anyway. I mean I don't know what I was thinking, going down that road again with us. It's just much easier if we're just friends who have a kid. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] And you're Okay with that? [Ross Geller] Yes. I mean, it's what we always planned. And if you have a plan, you should stick to it. That's why they call them plans. Hello? I'm fine. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, for what it's worth, with Rachel I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody." [Ross Geller] Hey there you go! [Joey Tribbiani] "Thanks." --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh my God! How long has she been crying? [Monica Geller] About a week and a half. [Phoebe Buffay] Well alright, looks like you guys have got it under control so I'm just gonna go. No! Really? Misery really does love company. All right! [Monica Geller] Rach, try holding her a different way. [Rachel Green] You guys, I'm doing the best I can, anyone else is welcome to try. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, I'll try, fine! Yes, Okay! [Rachel Green] Here you go. [Phoebe Buffay] Shh! Nothing works with this child! [Rachel Green] Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I can't even comfort my own baby! I'm the worst mother ever! [Monica Geller] You're just new at this, it'll get better, think about your first day at work. I mean, that couldn't have been easy but you figured that out. [Rachel Green] Yeah I don't think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her. [Monica Geller] Okay I'll take her, here. [Rachel Green] I have to go to the bathroom. [Phoebe Buffay] I have to go scream into a pillow. [Monica Geller] Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. [Phoebe Buffay] Have I gone deaf? [Monica Geller] It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby! [Phoebe Buffay] You must be a fireball in bed. [Monica Geller] I can't believe it! She's asleep! I got her to go to sleep! I have actual magical powers! [Phoebe Buffay] I can hear traffic and birds! I can hear the voices in my head again! I'm kidding. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! You got her to stop crying! [Monica Geller] Yes I did, I'm Monica, Super Aunt. [Rachel Green] You are the official baby crier stopper! [Monica Geller] Yes I am!! [Rachel Green] You're never leaving the apartment! [Monica Geller] Say what? [Rachel Green] That's your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here. [Monica Geller] Oh no no no no! [Phoebe Buffay] Thankfully you don't need me at all so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel let's give it six to eight months . [Rachel Green] Okay so listen I'm gonna go lay down. [Monica Geller] What? [Rachel Green] You know the book says that whenever she's sleeping I should be sleeping so... [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep. [Chandler Bing] Oh so there can't be any yelling. [Monica Geller] No. [Chandler Bing] We're moving to Tulsa. [Monica Geller] What!? [Chandler Bing] Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! I can't, I can't hear you. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Heeeeey, where have you been? What happened to you? [Ross Geller] Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him. [Rachel Green] Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. You have got to get over this Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay? [Ross Geller] Okay. [Rachel Green] You know what I really really want? [Ross Geller] What, Rach? [Rachel Green] I wanna sleep, I wanna eat, I wanna take a shower, I mean before she wakes up and we gotta do this all over again. [Ross Geller] Right. [Rachel Green] I mean I got news for you mister, Emma? Not easy. [Ross Geller] Well, that's what I'm here for. Want me to get that? [Rachel Green] No its really okay... Monica! [Monica Geller] Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] You know, ah, I've been thinking about this and I gotta tell ya, it's not my fault. It's a natural instinct. [Chandler Bing] Hey, what you guys talking about? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey OK great, what would you do if I did this?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e02", "title": "The One Where Emma Cries"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Pediatrician [Rachel Green] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey! So what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for? [Chandler Bing] Okay, our news. My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa , so as of Monday I'm being officially relocated. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] What?! [Rachel Green] What?! [Ross Geller] Monday?! [Joey Tribbiani] How long do you have to go for? [Chandler Bing] They said it could be up to a year. [Joey Tribbiani] A year?! [Rachel Green] Do you have to go? [Monica Geller] I kind of have to don't I? Because of this stupid thing. [Chandler Bing] There is nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh? [Joey Tribbiani] Wait a minute, you can't go to Tulsa. Maybe you forgot, but we've got tickets to the Jets game next week. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry buddy, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. [Joey Tribbiani] We were gonna go see the Jets! [Ross Geller] You can't go, I mean you're the glue that holds this group together! [Chandler Bing] Really? [Ross Geller] Not you. [Joey Tribbiani] I can't believe you guys are moving. [Phoebe Buffay] I call their apartment!!! [#ALL#] No!!! Ah!! Ahh!!! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Here you are. [Rachel Green] Thank you Joey. You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine. [Ross Geller] I went thru this with Ben and Carol. One cup of coffee won't affect your milk. [Rachel Green] Yeah. Just to be sure I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener. [Rachel Green] Every time? [Joey Tribbiani] Uhuh. [Ross Geller] Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know this. [Rachel Green] All right, I trust you. [Ross Geller] Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why... [Rachel Green] I'm on the phone! Dr. Wiener? [Phoebe Buffay] It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up. [Joey Tribbiani] I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me. [Phoebe Buffay] Look at you all grown up. [Joey Tribbiani] Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important as...Nah, she's gotta be hot. [Phoebe Buffay] You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date! [Joey Tribbiani] I can do that, yeah. How is Friday? [Phoebe Buffay] Done. Oh good, really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! [Phoebe Buffay] Let's see! Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack. [Joey Tribbiani] Poophack... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] I've got good news! [Monica Geller] You got out of the whole Tulsa thing? [Chandler Bing] Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job. [Monica Geller] It's great! How? Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you. [Monica Geller] So you're gonna be gone four days a week? No. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that? [Monica Geller] No. I can't be away from you for that long. [Chandler Bing] Really? [Monica Geller] Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year. [Chandler Bing] That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa. [Monica Geller] Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you. [Chandler Bing] Hey, you said that without gagging! [Monica Geller] I know! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! [Ross Geller] Who the hell was that?! [Rachel Green] Dr. Wiener. [Ross Geller] Rach, you can't call people at three in the morning. [Rachel Green] Oh you know what, you sound just like his wife! [Ross Geller] Was there anything you did wrong with Emma? [Rachel Green] Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane! [Ross Geller] Well, what was it? [Rachel Green] Hiccups. [Ross Geller] Rach, I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up. [Rachel Green] Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name? [Ross Geller] Dr. Gettleman? Yeah I know, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, I think he's dead. [Rachel Green] Argh! Why does everything happen to me?! [Ross Geller] Rach, I promise first thing tomorrow we'll find another doctor, but I gotta get up early and I'm not feeling all that well. [Rachel Green] What? What, do you mean you're not feeling well? What do you have? Is it Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot. [Ross Geller] You know? Come to think of it, it does feel Rubella-like! [Rachel Green] Wiener, Wiener Wiener, Wiener!!! [Ross Geller] Rachel!!! [Rachel Green] Great! Now he's gonna know it was me! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] So how is this for our big double date tonight? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, great! Just the reaction I was hoping for. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, so you found someone for me. You didn't forget? [Phoebe Buffay] Of course not! And you're gonna love Mary Ellen. She's really smart and cute and funny, and I can't tell you how I know this, but she' not opposed to threesomes. So tell me some about my guy. [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Phoebe Buffay] Come on, give me something. What's his name? [Joey Tribbiani] Mike. [Phoebe Buffay] Mike? Okay! What's his last name? [Joey Tribbiani] Damnit! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore!? [Phoebe Buffay] All right, we'll se you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours. [Joey Tribbiani] Why did I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said... There's no guy in there! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push their penis against your knee? [Monica Geller] Excuse me? [Chandler Bing] I know what she's talking about. [Rachel Green] We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it. [Monica Geller] Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman? [Rachel Green] Ross said he died. [Monica Geller] He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox. [Rachel Green] Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died. [Monica Geller] Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist. [Chandler Bing] He saw a therapist? [Monica Geller] Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out. [Rachel Green] Why? What was it? [Monica Geller] That I was going to eat him. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] MIKE!!! [Mike Hannigan] Yeah? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks. [Joey Tribbiani] Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike. [Mike Hannigan] I am Mike. [Joey Tribbiani] Atta boy! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, look... [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway? [Mike Hannigan] How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that. [Joey Tribbiani] From school. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, we met in college. I mean, high school. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days? [Mike Hannigan] Well, I'm a lawyer. [Joey Tribbiani] Mike, 'attorney at law'! [Mike Hannigan] Actually, I just gave up my practice. [Joey Tribbiani] What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me. [Mike Hannigan] I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so... [Joey Tribbiani] Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike. [Mary Ellen] I thought you thought he was still a lawyer. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] What are you doing? [Chandler Bing] Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa. [Monica Geller] That's so sweet. Find anything? [Chandler Bing] Slim Pickings. [Monica Geller] Nothing, huh? [Chandler Bing] No, 'Slim Pickings', it's a barbecue restaurant. They're looking for a cook. Actually 'cook' may be a bit of a stretch. They're looking for someone to shovel mesquite. [Monica Geller] 'Slim Pickings'...That is so cheesy. [Chandler Bing] 'So Cheesy' also has an opening. [Monica Geller] Honey, that's okay. I actually know this woman, Nancy, who's a restaurant biz head-hunter. Maybe she'll know of something. [Chandler Bing] Can I just say how much I appreciate you coming with me. When we get to Tulsa I'm taking you for a great dinner at 'Slim Pickings'. 'So Cheesy'? 'Whole Hog'? It's going to be tough to keep Kosher in Tulsa. [Monica Geller] Hi, Nancy. Hi, it's Monica Geller. I'm good. Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa. Well yeah, my husband has been relocated...Because I love him! No, I don't want a job in New York. Javo is looking? Oh my God! He asked for me personally? Oh my God! Oh, wow, this is really flattering, but I'm moving to Tulsa. Yeah, so if you would tell Javo 'I'll take it!' --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi, my name is Rachel Green, I have an appointment for Emma. [Receptionist] Dr. Gettleman is finishing up with a patient, he should be out shortly. [Dr. Gettleman] I think you just have a cold, it's definitely not Strep. [Ross Geller] Thanks doctor. [Dr. Gettleman] Would you like a lollypop? [Ross Geller] You even have to ask?! He is alive! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car. [Mike Hannigan] No, I didn't. [Joey Tribbiani] That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great! Mary Ellen Wait, is your mom okay? [Joey Tribbiani] Please, we're trying to have a conversation. [Mary Ellen] Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Days of Our Lives'. [Mike Hannigan] 'Days of Our Lives'! That's why you look so familiar! [Phoebe Buffay] What?! [Mike Hannigan] What?! [Joey Tribbiani] What?! [Phoebe Buffay] Do you not know each other? [Joey Tribbiani] Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?! [Phoebe Buffay] Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have? [Mike Hannigan] Six! [Joey Tribbiani] What are you doing? I said seven! Argh!!! [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger? [Joey Tribbiani] Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry. [Mike Hannigan] I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car. [Phoebe Buffay] You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose. [Mary Ellen] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Who are you kidding? You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating! [Joey Tribbiani] Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. Mike!! Mike!! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm out of here. [Mike Hannigan] It was nice meeting you! [Joey Tribbiani] You're leaving too? [Mary Ellen] I'll stay if you can tell me my name. [Joey Tribbiani] Good night! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do. [Monica Geller] You're right. Maybe I shouldn't go. [Chandler Bing] What? [Monica Geller] So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo . It's just a little outside of Tulsa. [Chandler Bing] How far outside? [Monica Geller] Manhattan. [Chandler Bing] And you're thinking of taking it? So before you said being me with me was more important than any job, but I guess now it's old job, me, new job. [Monica Geller] I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. [Chandler Bing] What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'? [Monica Geller] Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work, and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend. [Chandler Bing] I think you should take the job. [Monica Geller] Really? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey. [Monica Geller] That's the nicest anyone has ever said to me! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] How was the pediatrician? [Rachel Green] Oh, I really liked him. Yeah, it was really, really, really good. [Ross Geller] You promised you wouldn't say anything. [Rachel Green] I know. Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! I don't care! [Monica Geller] Are you serious? You still see Dr. Gettleman? [Ross Geller] He's a brilliant diagnostician! [Chandler Bing] Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer? [Rachel Green] Ross, seriously! You've gotta go to an appropriate doctor. [Ross Geller] Why? Why? I know it's a little weird, but hey, he's a great doctor, okay? He knows my medical history, and every time I go in there, he makes a big deal. 'Ah look, it's my favorite patient!' [Chandler Bing] Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your touchy? [Ross Geller] Hey, I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college! [Chandler Bing] That was not a security blanket! That was a wall-hanging! [Ross Geller] It didn't spend much time on the wall!!! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk? [Phoebe Buffay] Sure. [Mike Hannigan] I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy. [Phoebe Buffay] Why did you go along with that? [Mike Hannigan] Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did. [Phoebe Buffay] That's true. Well, is anything you told me about yourself true? [Mike Hannigan] My name in Mike, and I do play piano. [Phoebe Buffay] Prove it. [Mike Hannigan] There isn't a piano here. [Phoebe Buffay] That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist. [Phoebe Buffay] You are really good! I play a little guitar myself. [Mike Hannigan] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhuh. [Mike Hannigan] That's great. What kind of music do you play? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers. [Mike Hannigan] Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could... [Phoebe Buffay] It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out. [Mike Hannigan] Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice. [Joey Tribbiani] Look at this. My two best friends! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Excuse me, I don't mean to be a jerk, but the baby with the rash came in after me. [Receptionist] The doctor will be right with you sir. [Girl] Mommy, I can't find Waldo. [Ross Geller] With the circus? He's behind the elephant. [Woman] Wow, so your child is a big fan of the Waldo books too? [Ross Geller] Yeah, that's how I know. I'm Ross by the way. [Sally] Hi, I'm Sally. So, no ring. Can I assume you are also a single parent? [Ross Geller] I am a single parent. [Sally] It's hard isn't it? There's almost no time for a social life. I mean, where are you gonna meet someone? [Ross Geller] Well, let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's office. [Nurse] Rossy, we're ready for you. [Ross Geller] Hmm, yeah. Come on Ross jr. It's time to go in. [Boy] Mommy. [Girl] Mommy, what's wrong with that man? [Ross Geller] Hey, I helped you find Waldo! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Oh good, you haven't left yet. [Monica Geller] Where have you been? [Ross Geller] I got held up at Dr. Gettleman's office. There was some guy that freaked everybody out. [Chandler Bing] Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. [Ross Geller] Oh man. [Monica Geller] Promise to call me when you land. [Chandler Bing] Of course I will call you. I love you. [Monica Geller] I love you too. [Rachel Green] Okay, wow, wow, wow. Watch the tongue people, we've got a baby over here. [Phoebe Buffay] Bye Chandler. [Chandler Bing] Awww. Bye! [Rachel Green] Bye honey. [Chandler Bing] What's the matter Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm mad at you for leaving! You're nothing but a big leaver. Big leaver with a stupid suitcase. [Chandler Bing] Any chance you are trying to pick a fight to make all this easier? [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, you see right thru me!! [Chandler Bing] Well, bye Mon, bye Ross, Rachel, bye Emma! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, bye-bye! Good trip! [Monica Geller] Chandler, wait. It goes: Old job, new job, you. This is just something I have to do. [Chandler Bing] I know. [Monica Geller] I love you so much. [Chandler Bing] I know that too. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Don't worry, I'll be back before you know it. Yes it will be the same. Because I know, that's how. I promise. [Joey Tribbiani] Double promise? Call me when you land. [Monica Geller] Can I talk now? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, bye. [Monica Geller] Joey? [Joey Tribbiani] He had to board.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e03", "title": "The One With the Pediatrician"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Sharks [Phoebe Buffay] Oh hey Ross oh I'm so glad someone's here could you zip me up? [Ross Geller] sure. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you. Can you believe no-one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me? [Ross Geller] people so why you all dressed up. [Phoebe Buffay] oh umm Mike's picking me up for a date. [Ross Geller] oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious? [Phoebe Buffay] oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market. [Ross Geller] you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, it's so healthy I'm always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Where's this going? [Phoebe Buffay] yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen. [Ross Geller] but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious. [Phoebe Buffay] I wouldn't say never, you know there's that guy well what about ok well there's gotta be someone. [Ross Geller] There isn't that's what I'm saying. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god you're right. [Ross Geller] I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date. [Phoebe Buffay] I can't believe I never realized this before, I'm in my thirty's and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god what's wrong with me. [Ross Geller] no, no, no there's nothing wrong with you I mean you don't strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway. [Phoebe Buffay] I wanna get married. [Ross Geller] please don't cry because of me pheebs I don't know what I'm talking about, I've been divorced three times. [Phoebe Buffay] least you've been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross. [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe what's wrong? [Phoebe Buffay] nothing, I'm excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa. [Ross Geller] I'm sorry I didn't catch. [Mike Hannigan] its Mike Hanagen. [Ross Geller] Oh Ross Geller. [Mike Hannigan] Hey, so are you sure your ready to go. [Phoebe Buffay] uh huh how do I look. [Ross Geller] do you have a compact in your purse? [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Ross Geller] you look great. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] : hey Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, this girl won't turn around and I can't tell whether she's hot or not, what do you think? [Monica Geller] : Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler? [Monica Geller] : yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend. [Joey Tribbiani] how come? [Monica Geller] : he has to work, there's some rush on the big ah damn it one of these days I'm really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job. [Joey Tribbiani] oh why don't you fly out there and surprise him. [Monica Geller] : maybe I will go yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa romana. [Joey Tribbiani] oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. [Monica Geller] : how do you know I have one of those? [Joey Tribbiani] didn't till just now. [Joey Tribbiani] hot not hot Hot! [Hayley] excuse me? [Joey Tribbiani] I said I think you're hot and now I'm embarrassed. [Hayley] oh I thought you said Hi. [Joey Tribbiani] that would've been better, I'll try that Hi I'm Joey. [Hayley] I'm Hayley. [Joey Tribbiani] look I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses. [Gunther] HA! [Joey Tribbiani] gesundheit. [Hayley] I would love to go out with you. [Joey Tribbiani] really, great, did I actually ask you? [Hayley] no that's just where you were going I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot. [Gunther] HA! [Joey Tribbiani] seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] so how'd the date go? [Phoebe Buffay] well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying. [Ross Geller] So he hasn't called? [Phoebe Buffay] would you call this girl? thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing. [Ross Geller] now I feel terrible this is all my fault. [Phoebe Buffay] well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that? [Ross Geller] We are a rare breed. --------------------------------------- [Hayley] what a great dinner. [Joey Tribbiani] yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant. [Hayley] your welcome again, I'm gonna make some coffee can I get you anything? [Joey Tribbiani] do you have any cake? >>> Joey's Subconscious So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. Victoria's secret huh we even like the same books. Oh now there's a scary painting. wait a minute I think I've been scared by that painting before. You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know I've seen this weird plant before AWCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, I've gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didn't do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place. [Joey Tribbiani] AWCH! That's why. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in? [Mike Hannigan] Sure who are you? [Ross Geller] I'm Ross, Phoebe's friend from the coffeehouse. [Mike Hannigan] Oh. [Ross Geller] yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something. [Mike Hannigan] Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you? [Ross Geller] No. [Mike Hannigan] oh it's just you have that look. [Ross Geller] Damn super cuts! [Mike Hannigan] what's up is Phoebe ok? [Ross Geller] oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm I'm an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset. [Mike Hannigan] that's why she was weird. [Ross Geller] yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please don't blow her off. [Mike Hannigan] I'm not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope that's ok with you stranger from the coffee house. [Ross Geller] well then I didn't need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagens I bothered. [Mike Hannigan] hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebe's never had a serious relationship? [Ross Geller] of course she has. if she'd never had a serious relationship I'd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron. [Mike Hannigan] but you did say it. [Ross Geller] yes, yes I did. and I will also say what I'm about to say Vis-a-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum. [Mike Hannigan] Vicrum? [Ross Geller] WHAT THAT'S A REAL NAME! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldn't they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe I'll hit the gym who am I kidding pay-per-view porn. -Cuts to Monica. [Chandler Bing] DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica: [Monica Geller] : is everything all right? [Chandler Bing] everything's great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. [Monica Geller] : I'm gonna go freshen up ok. [Chandler Bing] Ok honey. that was close. -Cut to Rachel. [Rachel Green] Hello. [Monica Geller] : Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself. [Rachel Green] Oh that couldn't have been pretty. but you know guys do that. [Monica Geller] : yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show! [Rachel Green] Nooooooooo! [Monica Geller] : Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] well watching sharks? Are you sure that's what he was doing? [Monica Geller] : do you know how many times I've seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing. [Rachel Green] man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what. [Monica Geller] : what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws! [Rachel Green] Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we can't understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice. [Monica Geller] : Eww are you talking about my bother. [Rachel Green] yeah I didn't disguise that very well did i. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Rachel Green] Hi. [Joey Tribbiani] listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her. [Rachel Green] so basically you've slept with all the woman in New York and now you're just going around again. [Joey Tribbiani] well that's not even the weird part. I don't think she remembered sleeping with me. [Monica Geller] : But you don't remember sleeping with her. [Joey Tribbiani] yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know. [Rachel Green] what, how do we know, we never slept with you. [Joey Tribbiani] and who's fault is that. [Monica Geller] : what's the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night. [Joey Tribbiani] HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when I'm a little bloated I don't feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN I'M BETTER THEN MOST! [Monica Geller] : Honey why don't you just let it go and ask her out again. [Rachel Green] yeah your both so slutty you don't even remember who you've slept with, you're made for each other. [Joey Tribbiani] Interesting. all right I'll go out with her again and try to get past it OH SALT BLOATY! [Monica Geller] : Joey, Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Monica Geller] : you don't think sharks are sexy do you? [Joey Tribbiani] No. wait a minute what was the little mermaid? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] It's open. [Ross Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! [Ross Geller] YAY! quick thing, I went to talk to Mike. [Phoebe Buffay] What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS! [Ross Geller] oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that. [Phoebe Buffay] WHAT! [Ross Geller] umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum. [Phoebe Buffay] WHAT! WHY? [Ross Geller] well he seemed to bum hard that you'd never been in a serious relationship. [Phoebe Buffay] If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a raber dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW! [Ross Geller] well Phoebe, I think you'll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer and he used to date Oprah. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm not going along with some lie you made Ross, No I'm just gonna be honest with him. [Ross Geller] Good yeah just be honest with him. [Phoebe Buffay] yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh. [Ross Geller] I'll get it. [Phoebe Buffay] ok. [Mike Hannigan] You know I'm trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you weren't there, Phoebe are you ok? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh huh yeah there's just something umm, there's something you should know Vicrum just called. --------------------------------------- [Hayley] so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest. [Joey Tribbiani] Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me? [Hayley] What? [Joey Tribbiani] How could you not remember that we slept together? [Hayley] What! When? [Joey Tribbiani] I dunno! [Hayley] I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you. [Joey Tribbiani] come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex here, here, here NOT there. Anything? [Hayley] no it's not ringing any bells. [Joey Tribbiani] my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this? [Hayley's Roommate] Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. so were good. I'll let myself out. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel. [Mike Hannigan] But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross. [Phoebe Buffay] yeah well yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee. [Mike Hannigan] that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer. [Phoebe Buffay] I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer. [Mike Hannigan] I just think there's somebody better out there for you, I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh. [Mike Hannigan] and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy. [Phoebe Buffay] ok I can't do this. [Mike Hannigan] what's wrong? [Phoebe Buffay] well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward You kissed me. [Mike Hannigan] uh huh. [Phoebe Buffay] so you don't think I'm a total freak. [Mike Hannigan] No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you. [Phoebe Buffay] I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers. [Mike Hannigan] Definitely. [Ross Geller] This is Vicrum. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hi honey I'm home! [Monica Geller] : Hi, how was your flight? [Chandler Bing] oh it was great. [Monica Geller] : Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. have a little surprise for you. [Chandler Bing] well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C! [Monica Geller] : Ok This is how much I love you. [Chandler Bing] Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around. [Monica Geller] : Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier. [Chandler Bing] no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all. [Monica Geller] : Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks? [Chandler Bing] does what always have to be sharks. [Monica Geller] : Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash. [Chandler Bing] What's going on? [Monica Geller] : sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this. [Chandler Bing] let ME be a part of this! [Monica Geller] : I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on! [Chandler Bing] no they don't. [Monica Geller] : then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat. [Chandler Bing] OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn. [Monica Geller] : really? [Chandler Bing] yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action. [Monica Geller] : I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! [Chandler Bing] You are an amazing wife. No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that. [Monica Geller] : Im very, very drunk right now. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her? [Phoebe Buffay] you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious. [Joey Tribbiani] your right! I love my life! I actually did sleep with her.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e04", "title": "The One With the Sharks"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [Phoebe Buffay] Oh hey you guys, I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday, so we have to do dinner Thursday night instead. [Joey Tribbiani] Thursday? But that's Halloween. [Phoebe Buffay] So? [Joey Tribbiani] So spooky, that's all. [Ross Geller] So, so, is Mike coming to dinner? [Phoebe Buffay] No! It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work. Uch, I get mad at him, but I think it's a little to soon to show my true colors. [Rachel Green] Pheebs, I would make a reservation for five, because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma. Which one of us should go to dinner? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, Rachel! [Ross Geller] Actually, um, I was thinking maybe both of us could go. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yay! [Ross Geller] Thanks, I put a lot of extra thoughts on your gift. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, okay, so we can all go now. That is fun. Hey, you know what? We all haven't been together the six of us in such a long time. [Monica Geller] What are you talking about? We're all together right now. [Rachel Green] Um, Mon, Chandler's not here. [Monica Geller] Oh, dear god! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Good morning everyone, it's nice to see our team together for the first time. Now, before we get started, are there any questions? Yes, Ken is it? [Ken] That's right. Is it true, that the reason you are here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to? [Chandler Bing] Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken. But yeah, that's true. Alright, let's get started, by take a look at last quarter's figures. Ah, Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the bosses' ass? [Claudia] I'm sorry. Does the smoke bother you? [Chandler Bing] No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can't remember why. You're not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right? [Claudia] Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with fifteen people or less. Would you like one? [Chandler Bing] Alright, lo...look. I don't smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine. So you all smoke then? That's almost rude, that I'm not. [Ken] That's not true. If you don't wanna smoke ... [Chandler Bing] Ken, please! No, I can't, I can't smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me. [Ken] I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York? [Chandler Bing] I always liked you, Ken. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Trick or treat! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, and treat it is. [Monica Geller] Hmhmm. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that can't contain my breasts. [Monica Geller] This is not, what I'm wearing. I'm ovulating and Chandler's gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try before dinner. [Phoebe Buffay] Ohh. Oh wait! you guys won't be late for my dinner, will you? [Monica Geller] Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. We'll probably be the first ones there. [Phoebe Buffay] 'kay, see you there. Happy humping! Hey...hey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out here? Oh my god, don't people know, you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces? [Chandler Bing] Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people. [Phoebe Buffay] You smoked! [Chandler Bing] No! I just happened t'do a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are called Leyhallalookoos. [Phoebe Buffay] Chandler, you stink of cigarettes. [Chandler Bing] Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound ... and the breasts of a Greek goddess. [Chandler Bing] Pheebs? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm gonna go. [Chandler Bing] Okay, something to cover the smell ... Oven cleaner! Unscented! [Monica Geller] Welcome home. I've missed you. join me in the bedroom? [Chandler Bing] No thanks, I'm good. [Monica Geller] O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you? [Chandler Bing] Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so I'm feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should just take a shower. [Monica Geller] You don't need a shower. [Chandler Bing] Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences. [Monica Geller] What do I smell? I smell smoke. Huh-did you smoke? [Chandler Bing] Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack...a...a carton. Three big fat cartons in two days. But it's over, I made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore. [Chandler Bing] But, those are for you. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Alright, we'll just, uh, see when you get here. Bye. Huh, that was my mom, she's stuck in terrible traffic. [Rachel Green] Okay, well that's now the third sign that I should not leave Emma. [Ross Geller] Oh, what were the other two? [Rachel Green] Well, let's see. The first one is: I don't want to. And, you know, I'm not going. [Ross Geller] I know, it's the first time, we're leaving the baby and ... hey, I know how hard it is for you, but ... but Emma is gonna be fine. My mom is gonna be with her. She's great with kids. [Rachel Green] She is? [Ross Geller] Ya. [Rachel Green] What about Monica. [Ross Geller] Hey, you only heard Monica's side of that. That little fatso was a terror. [Rachel Green] Ish. I just don't think I can bear it. [Ross Geller] Rachel, I know that you can. And you should. [Rachel Green] Uch. [Ross Geller] Really, it would be good for you and in fact, why don't you, why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I will wait for my mom and then I'll meet you there. [Rachel Green] Oh-A. [Ross Geller] No, no, really. You should go. Just go! Go! Go out! Really, the world is your oyster. Kick up the heels. Paint the town red. [Rachel Green] You need to learn some new slang. [Ross Geller] I'm serious. C'mon, you should go. Here. No, uh-uh, just go. [Rachel Green] What ... Oh! [Ross Geller] No! No, you know what? You , the baby's fine, now squam . Yeah, story walking. [Rachel Green] I was just going to say that I left my keys. [Ross Geller] Oh, holy molly are we in a pickle now. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Where is everyone? They're forty minutes late. [Joey Tribbiani] I know, u-uch. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm starving. I know we were coming here tonight, I ate nothing all day. [Joey Tribbiani] What about me, he? Only had one lunch today. [Waiter] Soo, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing. [Waiter] Right. We do have a table for two available, perhaps you would be more comfortable. [Joey Tribbiani] No, they're comin', we're waitin' right here. [Phoebe Buffay] Joseph! Thou needn't worry, they shan't be long. [Waiter] It's just that we do have some large parties waiting. [Phoebe Buffay] One really does have a stick up one's ass. Doesn't one? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, it's chilling. [Chandler Bing] I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking. [Monica Geller] So what? Don't you have any will power? [Chandler Bing] Will power? I've watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs without taking the tin foil off. [Monica Geller] You said that was sexy! [Chandler Bing] 'kay, look: Can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again. [Monica Geller] That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again. [Chandler Bing] You forbid me? [Monica Geller] Mhmm. [Chandler Bing] You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way? [Monica Geller] Don't joke with me, okay? I'm very, very upset right now. [Chandler Bing] Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be? [Monica Geller] Yes. [Chandler Bing] Then, I might as well ... do this . Not really sure what to do now. [Monica Geller] Well, I'll tell you what we're gonna do: We are already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner, so you point out put out that cigarette, we're gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex. [Chandler Bing] Fine. What!? [Monica Geller] Sex! This is the last day I'm ovulating, and when we don't do it now, we'll have to wait till next month. [Chandler Bing] You serious? [Monica Geller] Oh yeah! [Chandler Bing] Right, fine, I'll do it, but no talking. [Monica Geller] Huh, and no cuddling. [Chandler Bing] And no kissing your neck. [Monica Geller] Oh good, I hate it when you do that. [Chandler Bing] And lots of kissing your neck. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Okay, well the ??? is not home. [Rachel Green] No. Uch. [Ross Geller] Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys. [Rachel Green] Alright, I can't, I can't wait that long. You have to do something-knock that door down! [Ross Geller] I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, y...you know, everything is gonna be fine. The baby's sleeping. [Rachel Green] What if she jumped out the bassinet? [Ross Geller] Can't hold her own head up, but yeah jumped. [Rachel Green] Oh my god, I left the water running. [Ross Geller] Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? [Rachel Green] Ah, did I leave the stove on? [Ross Geller] You never cooked since 1996. [Rachel Green] Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. [Ross Geller] Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think ... listen, listen! [Rachel Green] Ubb. [Ross Geller] A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still up lays are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment. [Rachel Green] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true. --------------------------------------- [Waiter] Hello. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Waiter] It's been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table. [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe we should just eat now. [Waiter] You can't order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy. [Joey Tribbiani] Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But there's still some food left on their place, okay, what's the restaurant's policy about people eatin' that? [Waiter] Estrangement . [Joey Tribbiani] But it happens? I'm gotta go to the bathroom. [Phoebe Buffay] No, you can't go. No-no-no, I can't hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave. [Joey Tribbiani] If you ask me to stay, I'll pee. [Maitre D'] Good evening, Miss. Miss? Miss? Miss! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, fine, I'll move. Alright, you don't have to manhandle me. Where? Okay. Thank you. Wach. [Joey Tribbiani] Finally you guys made it. Pheebs, who the hell-uhuhh! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Spend more time with the tie. That'll make a baby. [Chandler Bing] Look, I can't do this. I can't make luv to you while we're fighting this way. [Monica Geller] Oh sure, now you're Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle's funeral. [Chandler Bing] That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, I'm not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby to be conceived? [Monica Geller] No, you're right. Mnya, we shouldn't do it like this. Huch. For what it's worth, I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world. [Chandler Bing] Mean it? [Monica Geller] Yah. [Chandler Bing] You are incredible. Unless, I...I'm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from you. [Monica Geller] D'you want to? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, let's celebrate life! [Monica Geller] 'kay. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Och, god. Oh, thank god, you're okay. I'm so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again. Never ever ever again. Uch. [Ross Geller] Great. So let's get going? [Rachel Green] Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again. [Judy Geller] I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: "Mommy, I'm a girl, take me with you." [Ross Geller] Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Uhh. You are welcome. [Monica Geller] You know what? Let's not talk. [Chandler Bing] What? [Monica Geller] Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking. [Chandler Bing] But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettes-no big deal. [Monica Geller] Oh, blablablabaybaybay. [Chandler Bing] Leave it. [Monica Geller] I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldn't have sex with me while we're fighting. [Chandler Bing] You tricked me to get me into bed? [Monica Geller] That's right, I got mine. [Chandler Bing] I feel so used. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I guess they're not coming. You wanna just order? [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you. Waiter! 'lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just said means snails. [Waiter] Er-does not. [Phoebe Buffay] Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend? [Waiter] Oh, they're both exclus... [Phoebe Buffay] Both it is, thank you. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as it's ready? Appetizers, entrees, we don't care. [Rachel Green] Hey, hi, hi! [Waiter] I'll just wait to put your order in. [Phoebe Buffay] You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two? [Ross Geller] I'm so sorry ... [Rachel Green] We got locked out of the apartment, we ... [Joey Tribbiani] That's a great story-can I eat it? [Ross Geller] And then Rachel wasn't sure she could leave the baby. [Rachel Green] N-it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I got to do. [Phoebe Buffay] And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma? [Rachel Green] Oh honey, this is for the best, thus I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home and I'm being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up! [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] She spit up. Judy! She spi...Judy! Look alive, Judy! Thank you. [Ross Geller] Thanks. Oh. [Rachel Green] Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have? [Joey Tribbiani] Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman. [Ross Geller] Y'know this ??? is incredible. [Joey Tribbiani] Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach. [Ross Geller] Okay, I'll have the fixed salad and the duck. [Rachel Green] Yah, I'll have the soup and the salmon. [Joey Tribbiani] And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because ... [Monica Geller] Happy birthday! [Joey Tribbiani] Son of a bitch! [Phoebe Buffay] Wher-where have you been? [Monica Geller] Well, we had a little fight. [Chandler Bing] I would never lie to get someone into bed. [Monica Geller] You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isn't it? How d'you get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that Chandler will have the smoked duck. [Chandler Bing] I suppose that Monica will have the ... manipulative shrew. [Waiter] I'll give you another minute. [Joey Tribbiani] Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! [Ross Geller] Rach, c'mon, Emma is fine. You're turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop. [Rachel Green] Y'guys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon? [Chandler Bing] You mean the lully story? [Ross Geller] Huh-huh, they already know it. [Phoebe Buffay] You guys, we've been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, it's okay, I already told the waiter what they want. [Monica Geller] Why would you do that? [Joey Tribbiani] Chandler, control your woman! [Rachel Green] Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast ... to Phoebe. She dropped her sock. [Phoebe Buffay] Aw ... what? [Rachel Green] N-no, Emma dropped her sock. [Monica Geller] Mom's here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town. [Rachel Green] Ross, she still has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground. [Phoebe Buffay] 's a good toast. [Rachel Green] Could you please get her attention? [Ross Geller] W-oa ... Mommy! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, for god's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know, you all have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you didn't even have the courtesy to call. Well, it's too late now. [Ross Geller] Well, ??? think that's us? [Phoebe Buffay] well, this is, this is, this is not over! Hello? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, what is going on with you two? [Monica Geller] Uch, you see, I'm ovulating. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah, that's what she says. But maybe you're not ovulating at all, maybe it's just a clever ruse to get me into bed. [Monica Geller] Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just can't get enough. [Chandler Bing] You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her. [Joey Tribbiani] So? Did have sex, right? [Chandler Bing] What's the matter with me? Why I'm such a girl? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, that was Mike. [Rachel Green] Phoebe, hi, we're so sorry. You're totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are ready to start your birthday celebration. [Phoebe Buffay] Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, I'm gonna take off. [Rachel Green] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I'm not t-not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! Judy! Bye. [Rachel Green] Oh thank god, if Phoebe's going, can we please take Emma home? [Ross Geller] You know, I think that's a good idea-our babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. Bye, y'guys. [Monica Geller] Bye. [Joey Tribbiani] See ya. Well, this is just us. [Chandler Bing] Mhum. [Monica Geller] So, I'm, I'm probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try? [Chandler Bing] So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you? [Joey Tribbiani] Do, do you gonna do it now? [Monica Geller] We don't have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct ... [Joey Tribbiani] No-ohoh. [Maitre D'] I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning. [Joey Tribbiani] Nah, just me. All alone. Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really special. --------------------------------------- [Waiter] How was everything, sir? [Joey Tribbiani] Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive. [Waiter] Well, I hope, you got some room left. [Waiters] Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ... [Joey Tribbiani] Joey! Joey. [Waiters] ... Joey, happy birthday to you. [Joey Tribbiani] That's the best birthday ever.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e05", "title": "The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Male Nanny [Chandler Bing] Hello? Hello? [Monica Geller] I LOVE MY NEW JOB! [Chandler Bing] Honey, you're screaming. [Monica Geller] YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's. [Chandler Bing] Oh, that's great. [Monica Geller] Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean. [Chandler Bing] Awesome. [Monica Geller] Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] This is nice. [Phoebe Buffay] I know! [Mike Hannigan] You need both hands for that? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I kinda do. Well, how's this? [Joey Tribbiani] Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? Have you not talked about it yet? Am I making you uncomfortable? If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation. [Mike Hannigan] Is it? [Phoebe Buffay] Maybe not, is it? [Mike Hannigan] Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... No, not... that's gum. Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there... [Phoebe Buffay] I know Mike, why don't you keep digging? [Mike Hannigan] Oh, sorry. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars. [Mike Hannigan] It's to my apartment. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because... [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, I want to. [Mike Hannigan] Oh, thank God. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. [Mike Hannigan] Is this cool, huh? [Phoebe Buffay] It really is. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her. [Prospective Nanny] I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the better. [Rachel Green] That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us? [Prospective Nanny] Not really. [Rachel Green] Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... [Ross Geller] Thank you. [Rachel Green] Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you. [Prospective Nanny] Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. Do you guys do random drug testing? [Ross Geller] Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that. [Prospective Nanny] That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice. [Rachel Green] Okidoki! Wow! We're never gonna find a nanny. [Ross Geller] Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with. [Rachel Green] What, the blonde with no bra? [Ross Geller] She was blonde? Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years. [Rachel Green] Okay... [Sandy] Hi... I'm Sandy. [Ross Geller] And she's a little mannish... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! David! [David] Hi! I-i-is this a bad time? [Phoebe Buffay] No! It's a great time, come in...! WOW, hi... Oh my gosh! What are you doing here? Are you back from Minsk? [David] Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing. [Phoebe Buffay] Who cares, it got you here. [David] Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow. Where is your luggage? [David] Damn it! [Phoebe Buffay] A-Allright, well... I'll call the cab company. [David] Wa... wa... wait! We can... call them later. Can you just... just stand there f-f-for a moment? Boy! There's an old Russian expression, uhm... it goes: Schto ya ztez vigul... ui! Roughly translated that means uhm... This thing that I'm looking at: wow! [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you! God, no! You should see me when... Oh actually, no, I look pretty good. [David] Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? [Phoebe Buffay] No... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] I'm... I'm just... I'm the worst person ever. How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike? [Monica Geller] Maybe he didn't give you a chance. [Phoebe Buffay] He said: Are you seeing someone? And I said no... [Monica Geller] Oh, well... That had been your window. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! I mean, I don't know. I was just , I was looking, I was looking in his eyes and I was just thinking: Oh my God! It's David. David's here. He's just, he's so irresistible. [Monica Geller] Really? The scientist guy? [Phoebe Buffay] Really? Chandler? [Monica Geller] Continue... [Phoebe Buffay] Oh.Okay, then it gets worse, 'cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night. [Monica Geller] Phoebe! [Phoebe Buffay] I know! Evil! And... and... and... I like Mike so much, you know. It's just going really well. Oh my God! [Monica Geller] Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhuh... Yeah...!, you know. And given my life long search for irony, you can imagine how happy I am. [Monica Geller] What are you gonna do? [Phoebe Buffay] I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong... [Monica Geller] You have to tell David! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Funniest guy she's ever met! I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... Save it for inside! [Monica Geller] Heeeeeey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Chandler Bing] So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch. [Monica Geller] Was your cabin pressurised? [Chandler Bing] And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Chandler Bing] What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right? [Monica Geller] No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, he came up... [Monica Geller] Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. [Chandler Bing] Were you there? [Phoebe Buffay] No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny... --------------------------------------- [Sandy] I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... [Rachel Green] Sandy, that's exactly what it is... [Ross Geller] Are you gay? [Rachel Green] Ross! [Sandy] It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually. [Rachel Green] Oh! [Sandy] Her name is Deliah. [Rachel Green] Oh, that's pretty. [Ross Geller] So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny? [Sandy] I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with your life, is take care of a child. [Ross Geller] Okay. [Sandy] Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I Left, I Said I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... [Ross Geller] Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. [Rachel Green] Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed. [Sandy] Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want... [Rachel Green] Oh, that would be great! I love him, I love him, I love him... [Ross Geller] Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy! [Rachel Green] So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out. [Ross Geller] Because, it's weird! [Rachel Green] Why? [Ross Geller] What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be... [Rachel Green] Yes? [Ross Geller] King? [Sandy] I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young... [Rachel Green] Please? YES! Sandy you're hired. [Sandy] That's great! I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family... [Rachel Green] Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here. [Ross Geller] You gotta be at least bi... --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey! I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines. [Chandler Bing] Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it. [Joey Tribbiani] I know, right? Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this? [Chandler Bing] Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met. [Joey Tribbiani] Seriously? She actually said that? [Chandler Bing] Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset? [Joey Tribbiani] Nooooo! Being funny is your thing! [Chandler Bing] Yeah! [Joey Tribbiani] Without that, you just got "lame with women". [Chandler Bing] Ye.... [Monica Geller] Hi! There you are. [Joey Tribbiani] Fire trucks! --------------------------------------- [David] Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday. [Phoebe Buffay] Oof... [David] In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, wait, wait! [David] Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I... [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, it's not that. Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike. [David] Oh... oh... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I should have told you. [David] No... well, yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [David] Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy? [Phoebe Buffay] I am happy. [David] Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go... [Phoebe Buffay] Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. [David] Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye? [Phoebe Buffay] Of course, yeah. You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate... [David] No... no... [Phoebe Buffay] I mean... [David] In Minsk... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah? [David] ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... In New York... it's... --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh... Oh boy... Hi... [Ross Geller] Is everything allright? [Rachel Green] Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiance and it was just sooo beautiful. [Sandy] Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem... [Rachel Green] I can't... I can't hear it again. [Sandy] You know, I can't tell it again... [Ross Geller] And I'm fine never having heard it... Rach, can I... can I see you for a sec? [Rachel Green] Yeah! Excuse me... [Ross Geller] Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in. [Rachel Green] Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all. [Ross Geller] Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive. [Rachel Green] What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby? [Ross Geller] Yeah, I mean, all things that guy... These are amazing! [Rachel Green] Sandy made Madeleines. [Ross Geller] This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. [Rachel Green] Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle. [Ross Geller] Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive. [Rachel Green] Okay, what? What is too sensitive? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad. [David] But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing. [Phoebe Buffay] No, no. No. [David] But... ergo... [Phoebe Buffay] Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave, and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him... [David] Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... [Mike Hannigan] Well... hey, the key works...! [Phoebe Buffay] And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny? [Monica Geller] Yeah! I think that's great! [Ross Geller] Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines? [Monica Geller] Oh... How are they? [Ross Geller] Lighter than air... But that's not the point. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny. [Joey Tribbiani] Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird... [Ross Geller] Thank you! [Joey Tribbiani] That's like a woman wanting to be a... [Ross Geller] ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence? [Monica Geller] Yes... What is the end of that sentence? [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... A penis model. Anyway, hey... Did you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met? [Monica Geller] Yeah, so? [Ross Geller] Wow! [Joey Tribbiani] Really? Do you not know Chandler? [Monica Geller] Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey... [Joey Tribbiani] So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is... [Ross Geller] Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...? [Joey Tribbiani] ...No... [Monica Geller] I can't believe he's that upset about this... [Joey Tribbiani] Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Heeeyy! Hey! [Chandler Bing] What are you guys talking about? [Ross Geller] Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. [Chandler Bing] You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? [Chandler Bing] You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. [Monica Geller] Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister! [Chandler Bing] If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. [Monica Geller] Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! [Chandler Bing] What is so funny about that? [Monica Geller] Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! [Chandler Bing] Did you tell her what we talked about? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah.... [Chandler Bing] So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? [Monica Geller] Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me? [Monica Geller] Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and impressions... and... and limericks... [Chandler Bing] I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside. [Monica Geller] Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? That slayed me. [Ross Geller] Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! [Joey Tribbiani] Not knowing when to shut up... [Ross Geller] Yep! That's my thing... --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] So... how many guys have your key? [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend. [Mike Hannigan] Your lipstick's on his mouth. [David] Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade. [Phoebe Buffay] No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days. [Mike Hannigan] Did you uhm... [Phoebe Buffay] No, no... [Mike Hannigan] ...kiss him? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, well, yeah... [David] Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are fella. [Mike Hannigan] Don't point your finger at me. [David] Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it? [Mike Hannigan] Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... [Phoebe Buffay] Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! Here David, you should just go. [David] Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... well, you just better watch out. [Mike Hannigan] Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out. [David] Oh, you're going to Minsk? [Mike Hannigan] Well, I might. [David] Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, well... guys? [David] Right... Goodbye Phoebe. [Mike Hannigan] Hey, what are you kidding me? [David] Right-o, right-o... Take good care of her. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I totally understand. [Mike Hannigan] It's never gonna happen again right? [Phoebe Buffay] Right! Never! Never! I swear! [David] I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number We'll uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns. [Ross Geller] Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice. [Joey Tribbiani] Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... [Ross Geller] I swear to God...! [Sandy] Who's up for puppets? [Joey Tribbiani] Me! I'm up for puppets! [Sandy] Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus? [Ross Geller] Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate puppets? [Sandy] Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. [Joey Tribbiani] I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Sandy] Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] That was kind of rude! [Ross Geller] Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me. [Rachel Green] You know, he was just doing his job... [Ross Geller] Well, you know what... I-I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there... But I just... I can't... I can't go through with this. [Rachel Green] Oh, come on Ross... [Ross Geller] No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with... [Rachel Green] Oh... That's true. [Ross Geller] Thank you! [Rachel Green] Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. --------------------------------------- [Sandy] So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to shaaaaaaare... [Joey Tribbiani] I am learning so much from you. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com. [Monica Geller] Honey, you can relax. Last night at work, Geoffrey told this really sexist joke. After that, not so funny anymore. [Chandler Bing] Really...? See... that's the thing: you gotta keep it smart, people! [Monica Geller] Okay, don't miss that flight. You know I love you. [Chandler Bing] I love you too. And... I like you as a friend. [Joey Tribbiani] Allright. See you later! [Chandler Bing] See ya! [Joey Tribbiani] Did that guy really make that joke? [Monica Geller] Naaaa... He still kills me. Last night he had me laughing so hard, I swear... a little pee came out. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Here goes... [Rachel Green] I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. [Ross Geller] Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not working out. [Sandy] Oh... [Ross Geller] Yeah, uhm... I mean, Rachel and I, think you are great... with Emma... uhm... We just feel... [Rachel Green] YOU! You feel! [Ross Geller] I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation... [Sandy] Oh, no, no, no... That's okay. I got a lot of offers from other families. I just picked you guys because... I liked you the best. [Rachel Green] Oh, damn you Geller! [Ross Geller] Anyway, uhm...Well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings. [Sandy] No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future. [Ross Geller] No, you know, it's uhm... nothing you did, it's... it's uhm... my issue. [Sandy] What is it...? Please...? [Ross Geller] You know, I'm just not uhm... that comfortable with a guy who's as sensitive as you. [Sandy] That's fair... Although, can I ask... why do you think that is? [Ross Geller] Why... I... I don't know. Uhm... errrr... maybe... maybe because of my father? [Sandy] hmmm... [Ross Geller] I mean, uhm... you know when I was growing up he was kind of a tough guy... You know a-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now. [Rachel Green] Huh ha ha! [Ross Geller] I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive. [Sandy] That must have been hard. [Ross Geller] It was hard... I remember... I was in my bedroom... playing with my dinosaurs... playing and learning... and my father walks in and says... he says... "What are you doing with those things? What's wrong with you, why aren't you... why aren't you outside playing like a... like a real boy? [Sandy] But you are a real boy! [Ross Geller] I know I am! ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top? [Sandy] It's allright! Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out. [Ross Geller] Here come some more... --------------------------------------- [Sandy] And what's the one kind of boat that can never, ever sink? [Joey Tribbiani] What kind? [Sandy] A friend-ship... [Joey Tribbiani] Wow! You blow my mind... [Sandy] Oh, I gotta go. [Joey Tribbiani] Aaahh... How much do I owe you? [Sandy] Twenty bucks. [Joey Tribbiani] It's like the cheapest college ever.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e06", "title": "The One With the Male Nanny"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song [Ross Geller] And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. Yes we were! Yes we were! Come here gorgeous. Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. Big baby butt! I like big butts. I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get... Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm... My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... I'm a terrible father! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments? [Chandler Bing] How come? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it. [Monica Geller] What do you do with your money now? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots! [Chandler Bing] Do you have any ideas? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus... [Monica Geller] Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! Right! People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." Or... or maybe just a wing or... [Monica Geller] Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. That's right, I know some stuff! [Joey Tribbiani] Real estate, huh? Hmmm... [Monica Geller] Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard! [Chandler Bing] Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica! [Monica Geller] My dad told me. They play golf together. [Chandler Bing] Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! [Monica Geller] Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step. [Phoebe Buffay] Really? That hadn't occurred to me. [Monica Geller] They just gonna love you, just be yourself. [Phoebe Buffay] They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue! [Rachel Green] Oh yeah, she can't be herself. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, so... allright... Which dress? You can say "neither". [Monica Geller] Oh God, neither! [Monica Geller] I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine. [Rachel Green] Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..." [Monica Geller] You went out with Wallis Pincer? [Rachel Green] Uh, he took the SAT's for me. [Monica Geller] I knew you didn't get a 1400! [Rachel Green] Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean... [Phoebe Buffay] So... now... What about with Mike's mom? [Rachel Green] Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had. [Monica Geller] She said WHAT? [Phoebe Buffay] That's she's like the daughter she never had. Listen! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi. [Ross Geller] Hi. [Rachel Green] I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet! [Ross Geller] Guess what? I made Emma laugh today. [Rachel Green] You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? [Ross Geller] Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... Only... only not creepy. [Rachel Green] Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? [Ross Geller] I uhm... Well, I sang... well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... [Rachel Green] You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses? [Ross Geller] But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles. [Rachel Green] owwwww... [Ross Geller] Please don't take her away from me! --------------------------------------- [Catherine] Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent. [Joey Tribbiani] Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler. [Chandler Bing] So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache? [Catherine] Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa..... [Chandler Bing] mmm That's enough about you! [Joey Tribbiani] Is there anything we should know about the apartment? [Catherine] All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... [Chandler Bing] No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple. [Catherine] Oh... Okay, sorry! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? [Chandler Bing] We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! You don't think he's here, do you? [Joey Tribbiani] You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... Yeah, I could see it. [Chandler Bing] Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God! [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Chandler Bing] There's a tape here with Monica's name on it. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... Wait a minute... This says Monica... And this is Richard's apartment... [Chandler Bing] Get there faster! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Wow! You look like... like my mom. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm wearing pantyhose! [Mike Hannigan] Great! Come on in! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH! [Mike Hannigan] No, my parents are rich. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. HELLO! [Mike Hannigan] Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy. [Phoebe Buffay] Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight! [Bitsy Hannigan] It's so nice to finally meet you! [Phoebe Buffay] And you... Your home is lovely. [Bitsy Hannigan] Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors. [Phoebe Buffay] Holy crap! [Bitsy Hannigan] Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, try and stop me! [Mike Hannigan] Hey... Wh... What are you doing? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm trying to get your parents to like me. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not Phoebe... [Phoebe Buffay] Got it! It... It's hard to stop... [Mike Hannigan] Well, come on... [Theodore] Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle. [Bitsy Hannigan] Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm... Okay, well, allright, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... So... where does everyone summer? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] God! God! This is not going well. [Mike Hannigan] No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself? [Mike Hannigan] Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit. [Phoebe Buffay] So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from... [Theodore] Oh... Well... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time... [Theodore] Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah I bet! Look out! [Theodore] OH! OWWWWW! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, are you okay? [Theodore] I recently had surgery. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm so sorry! [Theodore] No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches... [Phoebe Buffay] I really, really am sorry. [Theodore] How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? [Mike Hannigan] Uhm... Did you just hit my dad? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before... [Mike Hannigan] But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight. [Bitsy Hannigan] Well, not at all... [Phoebe Buffay] Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is. [Bitsy Hannigan] Thank you, I think so too. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women. [Bitsy Hannigan] Is he really? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover. [Bitsy Hannigan] E-e-excuse me? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave... [Bitsy Hannigan] That's... my boy. [Mike Hannigan] Awesome! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey dude, what's up? [Chandler Bing] Don't judge me, I'm only human! [Joey Tribbiani] Did you take that tape? [Chandler Bing] I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it? [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know. Who'm I'm married to? [Chandler Bing] Some girl...!? [Joey Tribbiani] She hot? [Chandler Bing] Yeah...!? [Joey Tribbiani] How did she get me to settle down? [Chandler Bing] Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... Can it? [Joey Tribbiani] Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya... [Chandler Bing] Then you're gonna have to watch it for me. [Joey Tribbiani] What? Whoo... What? [Chandler Bing] Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please? [Joey Tribbiani] All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... [Chandler Bing] Why am I hearing cheering? [Joey Tribbiani] Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game. [Chandler Bing] Football? Just football? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing. [Chandler Bing] It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... What the... What are you doing? [Joey Tribbiani] You don't wanna see what I just saw! [Monica Geller] What are you guys doing? Oh my God, is that Richard? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... [Ross Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that... [Ross Geller] Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh? [Rachel Green] Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider... [Ross Geller] You sang Baby Got Back didn't you? [Rachel Green] Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes. [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, Pervert Parade? [Mike Hannigan] No... [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair? [Mike Hannigan] Stop! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh God! Is that veal? [Mike Hannigan] Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian. [Bitsy Hannigan] Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love... [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe you don't have to eat... [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... Hmmm... yummy Hmmm... [Mike Hannigan] So...? What do you think? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment? [Chandler Bing] Whoho ho... Listen to the judgement from the porn star! [Monica Geller] That tape was never meant to be seen by... Joey I would feel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private. [Joey Tribbiani] Monica, look... I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore... Not ready to joke about it yet, okay, I see you later. [Monica Geller] Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it? [Chandler Bing] Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches. [Monica Geller] Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache? [Chandler Bing] This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants. [Monica Geller] Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him. [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache! [Monica Geller] Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air... [Monica Geller] Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life! [Chandler Bing] Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends. [Monica Geller] THAT'S NOT ME! [Chandler Bing] What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl! [Monica Geller] That bastard taped over me! [Chandler Bing] Is that a problem? [Monica Geller] I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor! --------------------------------------- [Theodore] I can't imagine what he sees in her. [Bitsy Hannigan] She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. Oh, hello dear... [Mike Hannigan] Hey, what's going on? [Bitsy Hannigan] We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend? [Mike Hannigan] A little better. [Bitsy Hannigan] By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen. [Theodore] You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and... single. [Mike Hannigan] I'm not interested. [Bitsy Hannigan] Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real... [Mike Hannigan] All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are... [Bitsy Hannigan] Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! [Mike Hannigan] So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love... [Bitsy Hannigan] The woman you what? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... The woman you what? [Mike Hannigan] The woman I love... I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life... [Phoebe Buffay] I love you too... [Mike Hannigan] You do? [Phoebe Buffay] YEAH...! How great is this...? [Mike Hannigan] Wanna get out of here? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Mike Hannigan] Mom, dad, thanks for dinner. [Phoebe Buffay] I had a great time. It was really top drawer. And Here's Something Rich thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa... --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette. [Rachel Green] So fellas. [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Rachel Green] fellas. [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Rachel Green] has your girlfriend got the butt? [Ross Geller] Hell yeah! [Rachel Green] So shake it! [Ross Geller] Shake it! [Rachel Green] Shake it! [Ross Geller] Shake it! [Rachel Green] Shake that nasty butt... [Ross Geller] Baby got back. [Rachel Green] One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other br... [Ross Geller] Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e07", "title": "The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Rachel's Other Sister [Monica Geller] Hey Hon, could you help me get the plates down? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. Hey, here's an idea, why don't we use our wedding china today? [Monica Geller] No, I think we should save our china for something really special. Like if the Queen of England comes over. [Chandler Bing] Honey, she keeps canceling on us, take the hint. [Monica Geller] What if something gets broken, they're so expensive. [Chandler Bing] What is the point of having them if we never use them? [Monica Geller] Ok, but if something gets broken, and then the Queen comes over.. [Chandler Bing] I will explain it to her. [Monica Geller] Oh yeah, like I'm going to let you talk to the queen. [Joey Tribbiani] wow, the parade is really good this year. Man those horses can crap. [Tv Announcer] Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, OK. [Chandler Bing] Muskogee! That's like four hours from Tulsa. Woo hoo! [Tv Announcer] And heres the float with the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives . [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] Aren't you one of the stars of the popular daytime soap Days of Our Lives? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! I totally forgot I'm supposed to be there. I can't believe I forgot. I usually write stuff like this on my arm. Oh! Stupid long sleeves. [Chandler Bing] What are you going to do? [Joey Tribbiani] I guess I'm going to have to come up with a really good reason why I wasn't there. The producers are going to be so mad at me. They sat us all down yesterday and said "Everyone has to be there at 6:00 AM sharp, that means you Tribbiani." Like.. like I was some kind of idiot. [Chandler Bing] Well you proved them wrong. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. Ross and Rachels Apartment. [Rachel Green] Oh Emma. This is going to be your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's bobbies. [Ross Geller] A lot of people are thankful for those. [Woman At Door] Hello? Rachel? [Rachel Green] Who is it? [Woman At Door] It's your favorite sister. Ross and Rachel while looking at each other surprised and shocked: Jill? Woman at door in a sing song voice: Amy. [Rachel Green] Hide my rings. [Rachel Green] Oh. Amy! Happy Thanksgiving. [Amy Green] Do you have a hair straightener? [Rachel Green] Um... hi. [Amy Green] oh... hi.. [Rachel Green] Aw. [Amy Green] Hair Straightener? [Rachel Green] I haven't seen you in like.. a year. [Amy Green] Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed. [Rachel Green] Oh well yeah me too. Um.. I had a baby. [Amy Green] I decorated Dad's office. [Rachel Green] Oh.. yeah? Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. [Amy Green] Listen, um about the hair straightener, honey.. I really need one. I'm going to have dinner at my boyfriend's house. [Amy Green] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] mh hmm.. [Amy Green] Is this Emmett? [Rachel Green] Uh.... its Emma. [Amy Green] Its a girl? [Ross Geller] Hey Amy. [Rachel Green] Oh Amy, you remember Ross. [Amy Green] Not really. But you are much cuter then that geeky guy she used to date. [Ross Geller] That was me. [Amy Green] No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since like the ninth grade. Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me. [Amy Green] No, I'm not talking about you. It was your fat friends brother with that bad afro, do you remember? Ross starts talking over her 'do you remember' line: Amy. I'm going to save you some time, ok. All me. Monica and Chandler's Apartment. [Monica Geller] Careful. Careful. CAREFUL! Sorry. [Chandler Bing] I'll tell you what, for the rest of our lives, I'll be careful until told otherwise. hey wait a minute this isn't the china we picked out.. [Monica Geller] I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones. [Chandler Bing] Why? [Monica Geller] well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me. [Chandler Bing] Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine? [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, what's going on Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] I.. I.. I need a good lie. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the strings people! [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, honey. You stink at lying. [Joey Tribbiani] I do not. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, my muffin was gone-who took it? [Joey Tribbiani] Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do? [Phoebe Buffay] Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you. [Phoebe Buffay] Sure, what.. what was the work thing? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh.. [Phoebe Buffay] "Pick up grandma at the airport"? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh.. man.. Ross and Rachel's Apartment. [Amy Green] Oh she's precious. Do you ever worry she's going to get your real nose? [Rachel Green] Amy! Yes I do.. I really do. [Amy Green] Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. Can I take this upstairs? [Ross Geller] Sure, we don't live there but... [Amy Green] Seriously? Its.. its just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor. [Rachel Green] Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD. [Amy Green] Ew. [Rachel Green] God she is unbelievable. [Ross Geller] I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD. [Rachel Green] Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush. [Amy Green] Stupid Thanksgiving. [Rachel Green] What? What happened? [Amy Green] My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys. [Ross Geller] Don't say that. [Amy Green] Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi. [Rachel Green] Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private? [Ross Geller] Sure, you want to go upstairs? [Rachel Green] Um look I was thinking.. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. [Ross Geller] You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. [Rachel Green] Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt. And I would like them to bond. [Ross Geller] Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job. [Rachel Green] Ross, you know what? She may need one..We're just going to have to make our peace with that! Monica and Chandler's apartment. [Rachel Green] Hi. [#ALL#] Hi, hey. [Rachel Green] Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy. This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon. [#ALL#] Hi. [Amy Green] Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Amy Green] wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you. [Joey Tribbiani] Hap.. Hap.. Happy Thanksgiving. [Ross Geller] Hi. [Monica Geller] Hi. [Monica Geller] Hey you. [Monica Geller] So. Welcome. Is this your first time you're seeing Emma? [Amy Green] Yeah I.. I think so. It's nice to meet you Emma. [Phoebe Buffay] Phoe-Be. [Amy Green] Oh. That's a funny noise. [Joey Tribbiani] Pheebs, I still need some help here. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the ground when you're talking, people know you're lying. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor. [Phoebe Buffay] You are a terrific actor. [Amy Green] Hey. Hey where's the baby? [Rachel Green] Oh we just put her down for a nap. [Amy Green] Oh I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died. Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy. [Amy Green] no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married. [Phoebe Buffay] Thats a great movie. [Amy Green] Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Ross Geller] Emma. [Amy Green] Emma, Ross wants you. [Phoebe Buffay] PHOE-BE. [Amy Green] Why does she keep making that noise? [Rachel Green] Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself um you wouldn't get the baby. [Amy Green] Well who would? [Ross Geller] Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler. [Chandler Bing] I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma. [Monica Geller] yeah oh my god, I'm so moved. [Amy Green] I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby? [Rachel Green] See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't seem very connected to the baby. [Amy Green] Connected? I mean.. to what? She's.. she's a lump. [Chandler Bing] You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... [Amy Green] This guy? Seriously? Later in the day. [Monica Geller] Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful. [Ross Geller] Woah. Woah... Woah. [Monica Geller] Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate? [Monica Geller] No, honey, its. thats a special plate. See its a game, whoever gets that plate wins. [Joey Tribbiani] I can't believe I won. [Amy Green] Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me. [Rachel Green] Monica is Ross' sister. [Amy Green] No, Ross' sister was really fat. [Monica Geller] That was me. [Amy Green] No, she was this really dorky girl in high school that used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog. [Rachel Green] Hey. Amy. You've got to stop doing that. Monica about to have a heart attack: Okay, listen I know you're having a little bit of a family crisis, but you don't have to take it out on the plates. I mean, I mean in fact I think that everyone should cut their food like this. [Monica Geller] Now see, this way you protect the plate.. and lets face it you have fun. [Amy Green] Okay, how about this, you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies, then do I get the baby? [Chandler Bing] No, if crazy plate lad.. If Monica dies then I would get Emma, Right? [Rachel Green] Well actually... [Chandler Bing] Actually what? [Ross Geller] well.. its just. its just in that case, then um. Emma would go to my parents. [Chandler Bing] What? [Amy Green] Hurts, doesn't it? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh.. who has to die for me to get her? Commercial Break. [Chandler Bing] So if Monica's not around, then I'm not good enough to raise Emma? [Ross Geller] No, that that is not what we're saying. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah he's lying. He looked down. [Chandler Bing] Well what is wrong with me? Am I .. am I incomptent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you! [Rachel Green] Honey, you're taking this the wrong way. We think you're going to be a wonderful parent. It's just.. you're more the fun parent. [Ross Geller] Yeah and we'd want to make sure Emma has someone like Monica who is more uh. uh discliplinarin.. someone who can be firm and strict. [Monica Geller] Thats not how you see me, is it? Phoebe while cutting a sweet potatoe in the air: No you're all about the fun. [Chandler Bing] Look, I may not know a lot about babies, but do you really think I'm not capable? [Ross Geller] No, you both are equally capable. Its just.. you're strongest when.. when you're together. [Chandler Bing] Ok. So if we both had Emma and I die she'd have to give her up. [Ross Geller] Sure, Monica would have to give her up. [Joey Tribbiani] I lie better then that, right? [Chandler Bing] So.. let me get this straight. So my two friends die, I get Emma. Then my wife dies, then Emma the one tiny ray of hope left in my life gets taken away from me? [Phoebe Buffay] There's your movie! Later on. Monica opens her front door. Chandler is sitting in the hallway. [Monica Geller] Hey. There you are. You disappeared after dinner. [Chandler Bing] Oh? Did somebody miss me? Is there a child to raise poorly? [Monica Geller] Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about. I mean its not like their so responsible. Emma is a product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom. [Chandler Bing] Yeah but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure and I never will be. [Monica Geller] No you learn these things. You grow into it. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, but its not who I am. Everything they said was exaclty why I was worried about having a kid. And its true. And look everybody knows it. [Monica Geller] I don't know it! I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going to be an amazing dad... at the fun parts and the hard parts. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah, well can you picture me saying "Go to your room! You're grounded"? [Monica Geller] Can you hear me say "You're grounded"? [Chandler Bing] You said that to me last week. [Monica Geller] How hard is it? No shoes on the furniture. Back to Monica and Chandler's apartment. Amy is sitting on a chair by the bay window looking mad. Joey groans and gets off the phone: The producer from Days left a message on my machine asking why I wasn't at the parade. They said everybody's pissed off at me.. And they all got to meet Santa! [Phoebe Buffay] It's ok. I thought of the perfect lie for you. It's easy to remember and doesn't invite a lot of questions. You weren't at the parade because you had a family emergency. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I like that, yeah. Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, what happened? Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon. [Phoebe Buffay] No! Nothing with a raccoon. [Joey Tribbiani] Arg... Alright, I'll take care of it. Monica and Chandler come through the front door. [Monica Geller] Oh wait.. What are you doing? [Joey Tribbiani] Setting the table. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah we thought it would be nice to use the fancy china for dessert too. [Monica Geller] Oh how nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress. Ross comes out of the guest bedroom with the diaper bag and the car seat carrying thingy.. yeah.. thats the techinal term.. He goes to Chandler. [Ross Geller] Hey dude, you okay? Sorry about before. [Chandler Bing] Oh no thats okay, you're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings and I want you to know that when I die, you don't get Joey. Ross walks away with a face of yeah ok. Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch. Uchh In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you. [Rachel Green] UCHH! [Amy Green] You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel. [Rachel Green] Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby? [Amy Green] This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer. [Rachel Green] What? What carrer? [Amy Green] Um.. I'm a decorator. [Rachel Green] Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala bear. [Amy Green] Why can't you ever be supportive? [Rachel Green] Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby. [Amy Green] Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done. [Rachel Green] I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. And you know what. You want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you. [Ross Geller] Emma. [Rachel Green] Oh whose side are you on? I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responibility of a child. [Amy Green] How hard could it be? You do it. [Joey Tribbiani] ooh oooh.. [Amy Green] Do you want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? [Rachel Green] uh huh. [Amy Green] Because you don't want me to be happy. You.. you have always been jealous of me. [Rachel Green] Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's feelings? [Amy Green] Uh.. To name a few. You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me? [Rachel Green] Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him! [Amy Green] Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it. [Rachel Green] I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today. [Amy Green] Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still have to pay retail. [Rachel Green] ah ha ha. ah ha ha. It's forty five. [Amy Green] You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute. [Ross Geller] Too far, Amy. Too far. [Rachel Green] You take that back. [Amy Green] No. [Rachel Green] Take it back! [Amy Green] No! What are you going to do? Make me? [Rachel Green] Heey man, I work out. [Amy Green] So do I. [Rachel Green] I do pilates. [Amy Green] I do yoga. [Rachel Green] Bring it on! [Monica Geller] Put the plates in the boxes!! Put the plates in the boxes! [Rachel Green] Did you just push me? [Amy Green] Uh, yeah I think I did. [Rachel Green] Alright. Thats it! [Monica Geller] Forget the bubblewrap! There isn't time! Rachel starts messing up Amy's hair: Frizzy frizzy frizzy frizzy!! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god! Shouldn't we stop this? [Joey Tribbiani] What? Are you out of your mind? Lets throw some jello on them. [Rachel Green] Ew! Gross. [Chandler Bing] Alright! That is it. This is our apartment and you can not behave this way. Now if you can't act your age then you shouldn't be here at all. Now those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones I picked out, but they're very important to Monica. I want you to apologize to her right now. [Amy Green] I'm sorry. [Rachel Green] Mon, I'm so sorry. [Chandler Bing] Okay. Thats better. Now I want you to both apologize to each other and mean it. [Amy Green] Sorry. [Chandler Bing] By the way, that fight was totally arousing. [Ross Geller] Dude. Well done. You know what? If I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies then you can totally take care of Emma. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah? Well thanks. [Ross Geller] So, so now do I get Joey? [Chandler Bing] Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose. [Rachel Green] Are you okay Mon? [Monica Geller] uh huh.. I mean these things happen. Its' just a plate. Its not like somebody died. [Phoebe Buffay] It's all right. You can mourn. [Monica Geller] Thank you. It was so beautiful. I'm going to go to Joeys and get the pies. [Joey Tribbiani] Actually its not pies, its just pie. [Monica Geller] I don't care. Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold. [Rachel Green] Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you.. [Amy Green] So you're going to give me the baby? [Rachel Green] Uh. No.. I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount. [Amy Green] You are not going to regret this. [Rachel Green] She needs changing. [Chandler Bing] Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. Well.. what do you know? I guess, I'll be the one who dies first. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet? [Chandler Bing] Nope... [Phoebe Buffay] Broke them all, huh? [Chandler Bing] Yep... [Phoebe Buffay] You gonna tell her? [Chandler Bing] Nope... Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think we should use these plates again for a looong time. [Monica Geller] Like only if the queen comes? [Chandler Bing] Maybe not even then. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me how to lie Pheebs. [Phoebe Buffay] No problem! Next week: stealing... [Monica Geller] Bye plates! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? [Monica Geller] What? Something happened with the plates? [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in...

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e08", "title": "The One With Rachel's Other Sister"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Rachel's Phone Number [Jo Lynn] This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies. [Chandler Bing] Yep. That's a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya? [Chandler Bing] Chandler Bing. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. How come you're answering your own phone? Where's your crazy assistant? [Chandler Bing] What's up Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, what have we always wanted to do together? [Chandler Bing] Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . . courtside! [Chandler Bing] Courtside? Oh my God. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee. [Chandler Bing] That's so cool. I'll let Monica know. [Monica Geller] Hello? [Chandler Bing] Joey just called. He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night. [Monica Geller] Really? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game, we won't have a night together for another week. [Chandler Bing] But hey, it's courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . That's not the way to convince you. [Monica Geller] Chandler look, I don't want to be one of those wives who says, "You can't go to the game. You have to spend time with me." So, if you could just realize it on your own . . . [Chandler Bing] I know. You're right. I want to see you too. I've just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? He's really looking forward to this. [Monica Geller] Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have is precious. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, ah, ah . . . I'll think of something. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Wow! Wow, You look . . . uh . . . It's just, ah . . . That dress . . . uh . . . [Rachel Green] Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good. [Ross Geller] Well, well, they're good. It's been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good. [Rachel Green] Oh well, well thank you. Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, that happened. [Ross Geller] Oh right, right. So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma? [Rachel Green] Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way. [Ross Geller] Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over. [Rachel Green] Phoebe's Mike? [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Rachel Green] I didn't know you guys hung out. [Ross Geller] We don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation. [Rachel Green] Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about? [Ross Geller] I don't know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in college. He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area. [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Hi. [Rachel Green] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Oooh. Girl's night out indeed. [Rachel Green] Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . . [Ross Geller] Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun. [Rachel Green] Okay. You too. And I hope you score. Bye. [Mike Hannigan] Bye. [Ross Geller] So . . . Welcome. [Mike Hannigan] I got beer. [Ross Geller] I got bottled breast milk. [Mike Hannigan] Eh, why don't we start with the beer? [Ross Geller] Okay. So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah. [Ross Geller] You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college. [Mike Hannigan] Ah? Do you have one here? [Ross Geller] No. [Mike Hannigan] Okay. [Ross Geller] Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it. [Ross Geller] That's okay. We'll talk about something else. [Mike Hannigan] So, you're a paleontologist, right? [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Mike Hannigan] My cousin's a paleontologist. [Ross Geller] Ah? Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross? [Rachel Green] Oh God. It seems like forever ago. [Phoebe Buffay] I know. So, what's going on with you and Ross? [Rachel Green] Well, um . . . I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! I love things. What happened? [Rachel Green] Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact. [Phoebe Buffay] Eye-contact? [Rachel Green] Mm-hmm. [Phoebe Buffay] I hope you were using protection. [Waiter] Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar. [Rachel Green] Oh. Should we send them something back? [Phoebe Buffay] Oooh. Let's do. Let's send them mashed potatoes. [Rachel Green] No! Wait! No, no. Don't do that! That's going to make them think they can come over here. [Phoebe Buffay] So? What if they do? [Rachel Green] Well, we're not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. We're just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact." --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa. [Chandler Bing] Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me, than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? I heard it. [Monica Geller] I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair. [Chandler Bing] All right. I've got a plan. I'll go down the fire escape. [Monica Geller] Yes, because all good plans start with, "I'll go down the fire escape." [Chandler Bing] Hear me out woman. I'll go down the fire escape. Then, I'll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, it'll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that there's no guy in here. [Monica Geller] Aren't you afraid that Joey's going to figure all of this out? I heard it. [Chandler Bing] I'm just going to wait for a little while. [Monica Geller] Scary pigeon's back? [Chandler Bing] It's huge. --------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh my God. I can't believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato. [Bill] "Spuds" is your grandmother? [Rachel Green] That's my bubby! [Kevin] So, we're on our way to a couple of parties. Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. . . I'm sorry. We weren't really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I, I have a boyfriend. [Kevin] All right. It's no big deal. [Bill] So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation? [Rachel Green] Oh, well, it's complicated. I don't actually have a boyfriend. But um. . . [Bill] Then, can I have your number? [Rachel Green] I'm sorry, no. [Bill] Okay. [Rachel Green] Oh sure. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, you're giving your real number. [Bill] Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight. [Rachel Green] Great. [Bill] Bye. [Phoebe Buffay] Bye. Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking? [Rachel Green] I don't know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse. [Phoebe Buffay] What about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it? [Rachel Green] No. No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before." [Rachel Green] "Yeah." "Me too." [Rachel Green] "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it." [Rachel Green] "Yeah." "Me neither." [Rachel Green] "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?" [Rachel Green] "Yeah. That works for me." [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation. [Rachel Green] Oh, thanks. [Phoebe Buffay] But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough. [Rachel Green] Wha. . . hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Better! [Rachel Green] Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just . . . move on with my life. [Phoebe Buffay] Really? You're moving on from Ross? [Rachel Green] I don't know. Do I have to decide right now? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a pretty clear message. [Rachel Green] Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone. [Phoebe Buffay] "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone." Dead on. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Wow! That didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight. [Chandler Bing] Well, you're forgetting about the time difference. [Monica Geller] Chandler! You're home! [Chandler Bing] That's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop. [Monica Geller] What are you saying? [Chandler Bing] Joey said that you're in here with another man. [Monica Geller] There's no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. [Joey Tribbiani] All right. All right. Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? Bwa-ah-ah! [Chandler Bing] What is he doing? [Monica Geller] I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy. [Joey Tribbiani] Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows. [Chandler Bing] All right. Well, I'll check the guest room. [Joey Tribbiani] Why do I smell men's cologne? [Monica Geller] I think that's you. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier. [Chandler Bing] There's nobody here Joe. [Joey Tribbiani] I guess not. [Monica Geller] I can't believe you thought I was cheating. You own me an apology. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, right Monica. I'm so sorry. [Monica Geller] Ah, it's an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see ya. [Joey Tribbiani] Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here? [Chandler Bing] I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet? --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating isn't it. [Ross Geller] Maybe you should look up "fascinating." [Mike Hannigan] I'll get it. Hello? Ross's place. Mike speaking. It's for you. [Ross Geller] I don't understand what just happened here. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] What's going on? [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . . I didn't think you'd understand. [Joey Tribbiani] What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think I'm like, "Duh." [Monica Geller] Joey? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah? [Monica Geller] I don't know what to say. We shouldn't have lied to you. [Chandler Bing] Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't. But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica. [Joey Tribbiani] All right. [Monica Geller] You can go. [Chandler Bing] What? [Monica Geller] You should go to the game. It's okay. I want you to. [Chandler Bing] Really? You're gonna be okay? [Monica Geller] Yeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction. [Chandler Bing] You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you? [Monica Geller] It's gonna be so hot! [Chandler Bing] Okay, bye. [Monica Geller] Have fun. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks. Here's your ticket. [Chandler Bing] Hey, listen. I'm never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks man. [Joey Tribbiani] Where are you going? [Chandler Bing] Game's tomorrow night Joe. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey you guys. [Mike Hannigan] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. I'll be right back. I've got to go to the bathroom. [Mike Hannigan] Stout. That's a kind of beer.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e09", "title": "The One With Rachel's Phone Number"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Christmas in Tulsa [Phoebe Buffay] ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!" [Joey Tribbiani] Wow, that was great! You really wrote that? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-huh. [Chandler Bing] Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa. [Monica Geller] I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas. [Ross Geller] You're really not coming back? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired. [Monica Geller] It's so unfair, you don't even like your job! [Chandler Bing] So, who does? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I like my job. [Joey Tribbiani] I *love* my job. [Rachel Green] Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work. [Ross Geller] I can't get *enough* dinosaurs! [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry, I won't be here. [Monica Geller] It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand. [Chandler Bing] Thanks. I'll see you New Year's Day. [Monica Geller] You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?? [Chandler Bing] Did I not mention that? [Monica Geller] No! [Chandler Bing] AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! *Opening Credits* --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler. [Wendy] Hey! [Others] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Hey. Where've you been? [Wendy] I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. [Chandler Bing] You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here. [Claudia] My kid's in a play right now. [Chandler Bing] Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order. [Ken] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet". [Chandler Bing] Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks! [Wendy] *Now* it feels like Christmas. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to. [Ken] You can come to my house! [Chandler Bing] Haha, no thanks! [Wendy] That was a nice pep-talk. [Chandler Bing] Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker. [Wendy] So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing? [Chandler Bing] Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap. Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. Said all you need is to write them a song. Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No, don't sing along. Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah. Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy! And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!" Happy holidays, everybody! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet. [Chandler Bing] I can save you time ladies, I'm right here. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, Chandler why don't you take a walk? This doesn't concern you. [Rachel Green] We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica. [Chandler Bing] What? That's terrible! [Phoebe Buffay] No-no, we do it every year! [Chandler Bing] Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible. [Phoebe Buffay] No, yeah, we never find them! She's always best at us, that wily... minx. [Rachel Green] Don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour, and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, OK? [Chandler Bing] No not okay, you can't look for Monica's presents! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, we have to! [Chandler Bing] No, you don't have to, and you can't because I, I live here too. [Phoebe Buffay] Well then, you should look with us. [Chandler Bing] Why? [Rachel Green] Chandler, aren't you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas? [Chandler Bing] No, I have a great idea for a present for her. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, that's it? A great idea! Oh yeah. [Rachel Green] Chandler, that's not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And you've just gotten her one great present? I mean that's just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why? [Chandler Bing] If I help, we can find 'em faster! [Rachel Green] That's right! [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh ooh, we have a live one! [Rachel Green] Oh, it's a Macy's bag! [Rachel Green] Oh. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, who's it for? [Rachel Green] "Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Rach, these are for you. [Rachel Green] Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. [Joey Tribbiani] No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do. [Chandler Bing] OK, Pheebs, your turn. [Phoebe Buffay] Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh-huh. [Phoebe Buffay] You guuuyys. [Joey Tribbiani] And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth. [Ross Geller] You got me a cola drink? [Chandler Bing] And, a lemon lime. [Ross Geller] Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater. [Chandler Bing] And last but not least. [Joey Tribbiani] They're ribbed for *your* pleasure. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights? [Ben Geller] Cool! [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Monica Geller] Come on Ben. [Ross Geller] Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees... [Chandler Bing] Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! [Ben Geller] Santa! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] What are you doing here, Santa? [Chandler Bing] Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man? [Ross Geller] I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember? [Chandler Bing] What? [Monica Geller] Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say. [Ross Geller] What are you doing? [Chandler Bing] You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work! [Ross Geller] Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave. [Chandler Bing] Why? [Ross Geller] Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it. [Chandler Bing] But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly. [Ross Geller] I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me. [Chandler Bing] Fine, I'll give the suit back. [Monica Geller] Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? [Chandler Bing] Santa? Really? [Monica Geller] Yeah, is that okay? [Chandler Bing] Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa? [Monica Geller] No. [Chandler Bing] Then it's okaaay! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve. [Chandler Bing] Did I not tell *anyone* about New Year's Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go. [Chandler Bing] Good, God's speed, good people! You're not gonna go? [Wendy] Naah... I couldn't leave you alone. [Chandler Bing] Ah. Thanks. [Wendy] Besides, I can't leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham. [Chandler Bing] Ah. Chandler Bing. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hi Honey! We're all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. [Others] Merry Christmas! [Phoebe Buffay] Ble-blah-blar Blargh! [Chandler Bing] Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys! [Monica Geller] So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard? [Chandler Bing] Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy. [Monica Geller] Wendy? -- That sounds like a girl's name. [Chandler Bing] It is. Did I... not tell you about her? [Monica Geller] Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Year's Eve. Where is everybody else? [Chandler Bing] I sent them home. [Monica Geller] Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty? [Chandler Bing] Uhh, uh... [Ross Geller] Answer faster, answer faster! [Chandler Bing] I don't know! [Ross Geller] Answer better, answer better! [Chandler Bing] I don't think of her that way, you know, she's a, she's a colleague. [Monica Geller] What does she do there? [Chandler Bing] Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me. [Monica Geller] She did WHAT? [Chandler Bing] BE-LOW me! [Joey Tribbiani] Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma? [Monica Geller] *What*?? [Chandler Bing] Well, she... she didn't win... [Monica Geller] Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work. [Chandler Bing] Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably... [Rachel Green] Oh Chandler, stop talking! [Chandler Bing] Honey, there's really nothing to worry about. [Monica Geller] Okay. [Chandler Bing] I'm serious! [Monica Geller] Okay! [Chandler Bing] Merry Christmas. [Monica Geller] Merry Christmas. [Chandler Bing] Merry Christmas, you guys! [Others] Yeah, Merry... Christmas. [Phoebe Buffay] Blah blargah, blar-blab. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] The wife says "Hi!". [Wendy] Ah. Fun conversation? [Chandler Bing] Ah well, she's got this weird idea, that, uh, y'know, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen. [Wendy] Huh? Really? -- Hm, that'd be so terrible? [Chandler Bing] This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... you're getting ham on my only tie. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! [Wendy] ...Missy? [Chandler Bing] I don't know; I'm not used to girls making passes at me! ... Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma? [Wendy] You are to me... [Chandler Bing] No,... no... NO! Look, I'm, I'm married! [Wendy] So? I'm married. [Chandler Bing] I'm *happily* married. [Wendy] Oh. - What's *that* like? [Chandler Bing] Right. So, I'm sorry... [Wendy] Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy? [Chandler Bing] Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. She's entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, she's amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...she'd kick your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us. [Wendy] Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight! [Monica Geller] Really? [Chandler Bing] You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out? [Monica Geller] Well, not anymore. [Chandler Bing] But we don't do that. [Monica Geller] I know, I just thought it would be fun. [Chandler Bing] How drunk are you? [Monica Geller] Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage. [Chandler Bing] That's the perfect amount! [Monica Geller] Okay! [Monica Geller] Y'know what's weird? [Chandler Bing] What? [Monica Geller] This doesn't feel weird! [Chandler Bing] I know. [Monica Geller] You're a really good kisser. [Chandler Bing] Well, I have kissed over four women. Do you wanna get under the covers? [Monica Geller] Hm-hmm! [Chandler Bing] Okay! [Monica Geller] Wow! You are really fast! [Chandler Bing] It bodes well for me that speed impresses you. [Monica Geller] We're gonna see each other naked. [Chandler Bing] Yep! [Monica Geller] Do you wanna do it at the same time? [Chandler Bing] Count of three? [Monica Geller] One! [Chandler Bing] Two! [Monica Geller] Two! [Chandler Bing] Three! [Chandler Bing] Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined. [Monica Geller] Eh, we weren't that close anyway! [Chandler Bing] Eh! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man? [Monica Geller] Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him. [Chandler Bing] Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this. [Monica Geller] I think you're better than you think you are. [Chandler Bing] Really? Okay, so... [Monica Geller] Know when to stop. [Chandler Bing] Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay? [Monica Geller] Yeah. Don't do the dance. [Chandler Bing] Right! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] I can't get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. [Chandler Bing] Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new. [Monica Geller] You're so efficient. I love you! [Chandler Bing] Let's go! [Monica Geller] No-no-no, wait! We need something old! [Chandler Bing] Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that I've had since I was twelve. [Monica Geller] That'll work! [Chandler Bing] I don't think so. [Monica Geller] Okay, now we just need something borrowed! [Chandler Bing] Here just...take this. [Monica Geller] That's stealing! [Chandler Bing] No, we'll-we'll bring it back! Just put it under your dress. [Monica Geller] Ohh. [Chandler Bing] Okay, one thing at a time. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Listen umm, I've been thinking, it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that. [Chandler Bing] Ehh. [Monica Geller] Eh, you work for that. [Chandler Bing] Look, I thought about it too, and I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding. [Monica Geller] You do?! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do. [Monica Geller] Oh, you're so sweet. Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff? [Chandler Bing] Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, y'know? We'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college. [Monica Geller] You thought about that? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Monica Geller] How many kids were we gonna have? [Chandler Bing] Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy. [Monica Geller] What else did you think about? [Chandler Bing] Well, stuff like where we'd live, y'know? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Y'know, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old. [Monica Geller] Y'know what? I-I don't want a big, fancy wedding. [Chandler Bing] Sure you do. [Monica Geller] No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage. [Chandler Bing] You sure? [Monica Geller] Uh-hmm. [Chandler Bing] I love you so much. [Monica Geller] I love you. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oohh, I love it! [Ross Geller] Really? You're not gonna return it? [Rachel Green] Well, not this second! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey look, you guys, it's snowing! [Rachel Green] Oh wow, it's so beautiful... [Ross Geller] Wow, it really is! [Monica Geller] "Wendy" is a fat girl name. [Phoebe Buffay] Aren't we done with that? [Monica Geller] Okay, fine. Let's talk about snow. -- Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine? [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] Oh my god... [Joey Tribbiani] Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle! [Monica Geller] What are you doing here? [Chandler Bing] I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most? [Chandler Bing] Monica. [Joey Tribbiani] Got ya. [Chandler Bing] I never want to leave you again! [Monica Geller] But I thought if you left, you get fired. [Chandler Bing] Turns out they can't fire me. Because I quit. [Monica Geller] What? [Ross Geller] What, you, you really quit your job? [Chandler Bing] Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do? [Rachel Green] What do you really want to do? [Chandler Bing] I have *not* thought this through! [Monica Geller] Oh my god! [Chandler Bing] I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it. [Monica Geller] No, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think it's great! [Chandler Bing] Thanks! [Phoebe Buffay] Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined. [Chandler Bing] Ahh... [Phoebe Buffay] Now give me my real gift. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you. [Chandler Bing] Here, pass these, will ya.. [Ross Geller] Oh, hey... [Ross Geller] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know? [Rachel Green] Wha... are you kidding? I can't return this. [Chandler Bing] I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys. [Joey Tribbiani] Mine's is to Lilian Myers. [Chandler Bing] I don't have a *job*! *Closing Credits* --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... Hey, d'you know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I don't do anything - I'm a kept man! [Monica Geller] You are! Hey, here's twenty bucks. -- Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty while I'm at work tomorrow?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e10", "title": "The One With Christmas in Tulsa"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're gonna get me good and pregnant. [Chandler Bing] I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. [Monica Geller] Well, I just lost my erection. [Chandler Bing] I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself? [Monica Geller] You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's exciting. [Chandler Bing] But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start. [Monica Geller] Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to be organized. We can make a list of your qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files! [Chandler Bing] Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off! [Monica Geller] I know!!! My erection is back! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you! [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. Phoebe Thank you. Thank you! [Joey Tribbiani] : Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash. [Joey Tribbiani] If you want I could loan you some money? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends. No, that's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak anymore. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show? [Phoebe Buffay] You could do that? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, really? [Joey Tribbiani] No it is awesome! [Ross Geller] Hi guys. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow! Hey, why are you all dressed up? [Ross Geller] Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today to introduce her to everyone. Doesn't she look cute? [Joey Tribbiani] She sure does. Why does she have a pink bow taped to her head? [Rachel Green] Well, because if one more person says "what a cute little boy" I'm gonna whip them with a car antenna! [Ross Geller] I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh? She's gonna be hotter than peasant blouses and A-line skirts. Can I get a blue bow? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Okay, I have looked through a bunch of career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an informed decision. [Chandler Bing] How long was I in there? [Monica Geller] Okay. Let us start with the A's. Advertising. [Chandler Bing] Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea! [Monica Geller] Don't you want to look through the rest? [Chandler Bing] I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense. Sorry you had to waste all this time, though. [Monica Geller] You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my shredder! [Chandler Bing] I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?" [Monica Geller] I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best." [Chandler Bing] Honey? Leave it to the pros. [Monica Geller] I actually know someone in advertising. I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency. Maybe I can get him to meet you? Give me the phone. [Chandler Bing] "The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones." [Monica Geller] "Marriage. It's not for everybody." --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl. [Ross Geller] Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread. [Rachel Green] I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff . Who the hell are you!? [Guy] Who the hell are you? [Rachel Green] I'm the hell person whose office this is! [Ross Geller] Good one, Rach. [Guy] I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job. [Rachel Green] Excuse me? [Gavin Mitchell] Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put a pink bow on a boy? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, look at me! I'm a nurse! [Joey Tribbiani] Yes you are. I think it may be time for my sponge bath. Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras. So, are you excited about your scene? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine. They'll probably just make you stand in the back. [Director] Okay, okay, okay! You. Here, come here, here. You're gonna take this tray, you're gonna stay on this yellow mark. You're gonna move on "action!" You're gonna walk over to the operating table. You're gonna stop on that blue mark, you're gonna put the tray down. Don't walk too fast! But don't doddle. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, now. What? [Director] And...Action!! [Director] Cut! Cut! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous. [Director] Well, don't be. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, that helps. [Director] And...Action! [Director] Cut! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, you know what? Don't worry, Pheebs! It usually takes me three takes too! Alright, eight. [Director] And...Action! --------------------------------------- [Interviewer] So, do you have any other question about advertising? [Chandler Bing] No, no. But let me show you what I can do. "Bagels and donuts. Round food for every mood." [Interviewer] Monica warned me you might do that. I actually think we might have something for you at the agency. [Chandler Bing] Really? That's great! [Interviewer] It's an unpaid internship. [Chandler Bing] It's funny. When you said "unpaid" it sounded like you said "unpaid." [Interviewer] Come on now. Monica has a good job. And it's not like you have a family to support. [Chandler Bing] Actually, we're trying, and I don't think Monica's gonna wanna postpone it. We're supposed to have sex tonight. Actually, she's probably at home naked right now. I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me. I can just picture her on the bed right now. [Interviewer] Stop! [Interviewer] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job? [Gavin Mitchell] Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job. [Rachel Green] A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw. [Gavin Mitchell] Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island. [Rachel Green] Alright! Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office. [Gavin Mitchell] I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with you. [Rachel Green] Excuse me? [Ross Geller] Rach we have a code brown situation. [Rachel Green] Can you please, please take care of it for me? [Ross Geller] Alright, but you have to do one sometime. [Rachel Green] Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job? [Gavin Mitchell] Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren all together. [Rachel Green] That's right. You're very cheeky for a temp. [Gavin Mitchell] I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department. [Rachel Green] Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department? [Gavin Mitchell] Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit. [Rachel Green] Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue? [Mr. Zelner] Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas. [Rachel Green] Oh, hi Mr. Zelner. [Mr. Zelner] Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin! [Rachel Green] That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are you planning on flying off to? [Gavin Mitchell] Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision. [Rachel Green] Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power. [Mr. Zelner] Incidentally, when are you coming back? [Rachel Green] Today. [Gavin Mitchell] You said two weeks. [Rachel Green] No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. So, what did he say? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word "puppy." Okay, So He Said "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass." [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor. [Joey Tribbiani] That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You're Nurse With Tray. [Phoebe Buffay] Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey, she doesn't have time for friends. She gets in that operating room and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die! [Phoebe Buffay] Who dies? [Joey Tribbiani] Man With Eye Patch! You get in there and you do your job. [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, doctor. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Director] Okay, let's try this one more time. [Phoebe Buffay] Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming! [Director] And...Action! [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, I did it!!! I nailed it!!! Yay! What's next? [Director] The rest of the scene. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, from the top, people! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Listen. Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I didn't come back today, they were gonna fire me. [Ross Geller] What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down her so fast they won't even... [Rachel Green] Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae. They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out. [Ross Geller] What about Emma? We don't have a nanny. [Rachel Green] I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today? [Ross Geller] Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way. [Rachel Green] Come on, I don't know what else to do. [Ross Geller] Fine, fine. We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes we will. [Rachel Green] Ross? [Ross Geller] Huh? [Rachel Green] You're pretty. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a career from scratch. It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it. Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family. [Ross Geller] So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right now? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Ross Geller] Good-bye. [Monica Geller] Okay, it's baby time. Pants off Bing. Didn't see you there Geller. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, Ross is here so... [Ross Geller] Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could hang out. What do you feel like doing? [Monica Geller] We're gonna have sex. [Ross Geller] I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can watch a movie or something. [Monica Geller] Let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here or not. [Ross Geller] Pants off Bing! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to? [Gavin Mitchell] Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of *Nsync. [Rachel Green] Hey, they were popular when I left! [Gavin Mitchell] Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow. [Rachel Green] Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed? [Gavin Mitchell] That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the presentation? [Rachel Green] Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up! [Gavin Mitchell] Fine. [Rachel Green] Oh god. You've totally messed with the back support of my chair. How do you fix this? [Gavin Mitchell] Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out. [Rachel Green] Fine, I will. Alright, fill me in! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Ross Geller] You have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine. [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job. Of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jump suits. [Monica Geller] Hi, good morning lover. I gotta say after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees. [Ross Geller] Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan! [Monica Geller] Sorry. But I kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night. [Chandler Bing] Oh god, I have to tell you something. You're not pregnant. [Monica Geller] What are you talking about? [Chandler Bing] That thing that I have to do to make a baby. I faked it. [Monica Geller] What!? You faked it? [Ross Geller] You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean, it's better, open collar. You know, it's more casual. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't make any sense. Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's okay. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. And now suddenly I'm the waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans. [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress. [Phoebe Buffay] Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother, supporting my two children. [Joey Tribbiani] Nice. [Phoebe Buffay] Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no. See, you and Drake are having a fight. [Phoebe Buffay] About what? [Joey Tribbiani] He slept with you and then never called you. [Phoebe Buffay] And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky. [Director] Okay, okay, from the top. And...Action! [Man] So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me. [Dr. Drake Ramoray] I'm surprised to, but yet here I am. [Director] Cut, cut! What are you doing!? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back. [Extra] Me too! [Another Extra] Me too! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around here! --------------------------------------- [Gavin Mitchell] Wow, you're here already. [Rachel Green] Yes. Emma and I came in a little early to do research on the presentation. I actually made a few changes, but I think I'm caught up on everything. So ask me anything! [Gavin Mitchell] How do you fix the chair? [Rachel Green] Except that! Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner. We're all ready for our presentation this afternoon. [Mr. Zelner] Good, because it's in ten minutes. [Rachel Green] What? I can't do that! I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna pick her up for another hour. [Mr. Zelner] Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay, we have to do it now. Ralph needs to leave early today. He's going helicopter shopping. [Rachel Green] Well, there you go. You win, you win. You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead, no one will ever remember that I worked here, and then Ralph will buy his helicopter, and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him! [Gavin Mitchell] You can do the presentation. [Rachel Green] No, I can't, I have a baby. [Gavin Mitchell] I'll watch her. [Rachel Green] Why would you do that? [Gavin Mitchell] Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job, and you're a little crazy. [Rachel Green] That's really nice. [Gavin Mitchell] I should tell you that crying women make me very uncomfortable. [Rachel Green] Then you're not gonna like what's coming. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you. [Gavin Mitchell] I'm really fine, don't worry, I'm great with children. Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk to her. [Director] Okay, okay. But this is her last chance. [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you, thank you. How about I do something for you? Tomorrow, I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, listen Pheebs. I was just talking to the director, and he was thinking, maybe this time you don't hit Drake, you just wait on the tables? [Phoebe Buffay] I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process. [Joey Tribbiani] You're a masseuse. You have a table with a hole in it. [Phoebe Buffay] Wait a minute, I see what's happening here. You're threatened. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I'm so good in this scene that I'm stealing focus from you. Well, rise to the challenge Tribianni 'cause I just raised the bar. Come join me up here! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security, she won't go easy. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] You faked it? You couldn't have faked it! [Chandler Bing] Oh yes you can. You just make the faces and the noises. [Monica Geller] Guys can fake it? Unbelievable. The one thing that's ours! Besides, why would you fake it when we're trying to have a baby? [Chandler Bing] That's actually why. Look, I'm starting a whole new career now, and I'm not saying that I don't want to have a baby, I'm just saying maybe we could wait a little while. [Monica Geller] Like a month? [Chandler Bing] Or a year? [Monica Geller] Really, you want to wait a year? [Chandler Bing] It could be less than a year. I mean, you've heard my stuff. "Pants. Like shorts, but longer." It'll probably be more than a year. [Monica Geller] I really wanna have a baby. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, me too. Look, I'll just get my old job back. [Monica Geller] No, I want you to have a job that you love. Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration. [Chandler Bing] I quit and you learn what I do? [Monica Geller] It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby. I mean, now you're unemployed and in a little while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy. There's always gonna be a reason not to do this, but I think once the baby comes, forget about all those reasons. [Chandler Bing] I guess. It's always gonna be scary when we have a baby. [Monica Geller] It's gonna be really scary. I mean, god. When we have a baby, there's gonna be so much that we're not able to control. I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess, I won't have time to clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer? Messes up all the ribbons?! What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because the baby's stuff takes up all the space!? Where will all the ribbons go!?! [Chandler Bing] Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind? [Monica Geller] Yes, please! [Chandler Bing] Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time. [Monica Geller] I wish I could say the same. I'm a little shook up! [Dr. Drake Ramoray] I know you botched that operation on purpose. I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for murder. I don't care if you are my brother. [Man] I'm not your brother. [Phoebe Buffay] What about my children Drake?! Huh!? No!! No!! No! God!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e11", "title": "The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Phoebe's Rats [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. So where's Mon? [Chandler Bing] Oh, she's at home, putting up decorations for Rachel's birthday party tonight. [Joey Tribbiani] And you're not helping? [Chandler Bing] I tried, but apparantly singing "I will survive" in a helium voice - not helping. [Ross Geller] Hey you guys! [Chandler Bing] Hey! Happy birthday ... [Rachel Green] Shhh don't say that loud, Gunther's gonna want to hug me. [Ross Geller] Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly . Molly, Chandler, Joey. [Chandler Bing] Hi. [Molly] Hi. [Ross Geller] Ooh, somebody's getting a little fussy. [Joey Tribbiani] You damn right I am, I've been waiting for a cookie for 7 minutes. [Rachel Green] Ok, you know what, I'm just gonna take her outside. [Molly] No, you stay, I'll do it . [Rachel Green] OK, thank you. [Molly] Nice to meet you guys . [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you too. [Rachel Green] Oh, wow, Molly is just great! [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] Yes, Bravo on the hot nanny. [Rachel Green] What? You really think she's hot? [Chandler Bing] Are you kidding? If I wasn't married she'd be rejecting me right now. [Rachel Green] And Joey? [Joey Tribbiani] How do you think she's doing? [Rachel Green] Am I the only one who doesn't think that she's hot? Ross? [Ross Geller] Eh, I mean, I mena she's not unattractive but hot? I .... [Rachel Green] Thank you! [Chandler Bing] Now that Rachel's gone? [Rachel Green] So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru? [Mike Hannigan] Lima. [Phoebe Buffay] No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle. [Mike Hannigan] You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". Oh god! Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Mike Hannigan] OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, whew, no, that's Bob. [Mike Hannigan] What, is he your pet rat? [Phoebe Buffay] Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies. [Mike Hannigan] You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus. [Phoebe Buffay] What are those? [Mike Hannigan] I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it! [Phoebe Buffay] OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob. [Mike Hannigan] Thank you. [Phoebe Buffay] So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hello. [Gavin Mitchell] Hello. [Rachel Green] Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you an appology. [Gavin Mitchell] For what? [Rachel Green] Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ... [Gavin Mitchell] Is this your first appology? [Rachel Green] No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm sorry that I misjudged you. [Heather] Good morning! [Rachel Green] Hello. But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished. [Gavin Mitchell] What? [Rachel Green] I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out! [Gavin Mitchell] I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened below the ass area. [Rachel Green] Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep. [Gavin Mitchell] Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous? [Rachel Green] Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". Stop looking at my ass! I mean, I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate. [Gavin Mitchell] I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag. [Rachel Green] That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship. [Gavin Mitchell] Huh. What's Tag's last name? [Rachel Green] It was ... oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you know, Moses. [Gavin Mitchell] But it was a deap meaningful relationship. [Rachel Green] Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ... Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh! [Gavin Mitchell] It was Jones. [Rachel Green] Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend? --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Man, I wish I had a nanny like you. [Molly] You mean, when you were a baby. [Joey Tribbiani] Sure. [Monica Geller] Would you stop staring at her? [Chandler Bing] I wasn't staring. I was leering. [Monica Geller] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way. [Ross Geller] Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it. [Chandler Bing] Looks like Joey is doing allright with her. [Monica Geller] Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once. [Molly] I'm gonna take her back to the appartment. [Ross Geller] Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ... [Molly] Bye. [Monica Geller] They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good. [Molly] I think it's sweet. [Chandler Bing] Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma. [Rachel Green] Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her. [Joey Tribbiani] Why not? [Rachel Green] Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away. [Joey Tribbiani] So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable? Yeah, sounds about right. [Ross Geller] Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more! [Ross Geller] What are you, a child? [Joey Tribbiani] Yes! [Ross Geller] Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else. [Joey Tribbiani] Fine. [Monica Geller] Take me home! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Mikey. [Mike Hannigan] Hey P. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you doing? [Mike Hannigan] Setting rat traps. [Phoebe Buffay] To kill Bob?? [Mike Hannigan] No, no, to test his neck strength. [Phoebe Buffay] No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl. [Mike Hannigan] Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps. [Phoebe Buffay] I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? Bob! Robert! Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom! [Mike Hannigan] Better think of a new name for him. [Phoebe Buffay] I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl. [Mike Hannigan] I don't know, I mean I'm not sure ... [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god, we killed Bob! [Mike Hannigan] Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse. [Phoebe Buffay] Suzie? --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Whazzup?? [Chandler Bing] Seriously dude, 3 years ago. [Ross Geller] Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens between him and Molly? [Chandler Bing] You don't trust him? [Ross Geller] Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny". [Chandler Bing] Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now. [Ross Geller] You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now can you please just do this for me? [Chandler Bing] Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it. [Ross Geller] Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. [Chandler Bing] Picturing that tree? [Ross Geller] I am, yes. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Where you going, Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] For a walk. [Chandler Bing] Oh. You mind if I join you? [Joey Tribbiani] Actually, that will be long. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts. [Chandler Bing] Your thoughts? Plural? [Joey Tribbiani] Allright, fine, I only have one thought! It's about the hot nanny, I gotta see her! [Chandler Bing] I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Joe. [Joey Tribbiani] Now YOU'RE telling me I can't see her?? You guys are killing me! She's forbidden fruit! It's like ... like she's the princess and I'm the stable boy ... Why are you doing this, huh? Did Ross tell you not to let me go over there? [Chandler Bing] Yes, as a matter of fact he did, so I can't let you go. [Joey Tribbiani] Huh. Interesting. Now there are obstacles. Hot nanny and me against the world. This is the kind of stuff great novels are made of. [Chandler Bing] Great novels? [Joey Tribbiani] Fine ... mediocre porn. --------------------------------------- [Gavin Mitchell] Gavin Mitchelle's office. [Rachel Green] Rachel Green's office!! Give me that phone! Hello, this is Rachel Green, how can I help you? Uh huh ... ok then ... I'll pass you back to your son. [Gavin Mitchell] Hey Mom! No, that's just my secretary. [Rachel Green] Um, excuse me Gavin, I have a question I need to ask you. [Gavin Mitchell] Mom, I'll call you later. Yeah. Yes? [Rachel Green] If you like looking at butts so much why don't you just go look at a mirror? [Gavin Mitchell] Thank god you finally said that, I saw you make a note on your pad three hours ago. Man, I really bug you, don't I? [Rachel Green] Oh, please, I don't care about you enough to bug me. In fact, from now on, I'm going take the high road. And I'm going be very very nice to you, you "momma's boy", starting right now. [Monica Geller] Hey Rach! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Monica Geller] Ready for your birthday lunch? [Rachel Green] Yeah I am, I am! Oh, but first of all, Monica, I would like to introduce you to my very talented colleage and more importantly my wonderful friend Gavin Mitchelle. [Gavin Mitchell] Pleased to meet you. [Monica Geller] Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight? [Rachel Green] Oh no no no no no, Gavin can't, he already has plans, most likely with his mother. [Gavin Mitchell] Well I don't mind, I'll cancel. I would never miss my secretary's birthday. [Rachel Green] Why did you invite him?? I can't stand that guy! [Monica Geller] You were just being so nice to him! [Rachel Green] I was faking it! Can't you tell when I'm being fake? [Rachel Green] Hey, Mr Philips, nice suit! [Monica Geller] Right there! That was so fake! [Rachel Green] Shh! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] I still can't believe you invited Gavin. Allright, he is the last person I want to see. [Monica Geller] Oh, you're welcome for the party. I'm glad you're having a good time. [Rachel Green] God, I hope he doesn't show up. Of course he's not gonna show up, the guy hates me. [Monica Geller] Does he? [Rachel Green] What? [Monica Geller] Maybe he's bothering you so much because he likes you. It's like in first grade when Skippy Langwild always pushed me on the playground because he secretly had a crush on me? [Rachel Green] Oh, Monica, you think Skippy liked you? Honey, all those buys had a bet to see if he can knock you over. [Molly] She's out, I'm gonna take her home. [Rachel Green] Oh, ok, thank you. Do you see what all the guys see in her? [Monica Geller] Wouldn't kick her out of bed. No more Vodka for me! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now? [Rachel Green] Yeah, sure! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh ... Happy birth ... oh, see you later. [Monica Geller] Hey Rach, somebody got you shoes! [Rachel Green] Oh, give me! [Phoebe Buffay] Be careful, be careful! These are my rat babies! [Mike Hannigan] Yeah. We have rat babies now. [Rachel Green] Ahhhh , you brought rats to my birthday party? [Monica Geller] So this is what a stroke feels like. [Phoebe Buffay] I had to bring them! We killed their mother, they're our responsibility now. You know, they require constant care. You should know that, Rachel, you're a mother. [Rachel Green] Are you comparing my daughter to a rat? [Phoebe Buffay] No! Seven rats! I think we should take them home, we need feed them. [Rachel Green] whhh wait, you're gonna leave my party to take care of a box of rats? [Phoebe Buffay] Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. [Ross Geller] Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry, I got a little occupied. [Ross Geller] We have to stop them before something happens! [Chandler Bing] Right behind you, big guy! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] So you see, Molly, what people don't understand is that acting is a discipline. It takes a lot of hard work. [Molly] So where did you study? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I didn't go to college. [Molly] No, where did you study acting? [Joey Tribbiani] Molly ... people don't study acting ... [Ross Geller] Molly, ah, do you mind giving us just a minute? [Molly] Sure, I'll go check on Emma. [Ross Geller] Thanx. [Joey Tribbiani] Will the stable boy never get the princess?? [Ross Geller] What do you think you're gonna do, have sex with her right here on my couch? [Joey Tribbiani] No ... the leather sticks to my ass. You know, this isn't fair. What makes you think that I'm just gonna sleep with her and then blow her off? Huh? Can't you guys open your minds to the possibility that I actally like her, and might want something real? Look, the truth is, I haven't felt this way about anyone since Rachel, ok? I didn't think I could ever love again. [Chandler Bing] Come on! Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. [Woman] Hi, is Molly here? [Ross Geller] Yeah, come on in. Molly? [Molly] Hey! Guys, this is Tabatha . I'll see you tomorrow. [Ross Geller] Ok ... Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem. [Joey Tribbiani] It's like my favorite fairy tale come true! The princess, the stable boy and the lesbian! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, ok, you start preparing the formula and I start changing the box and then we gotta put them straight to bed. [Mike Hannigan] Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, you know what, they're our responsibility now. [Mike Hannigan] Ok, fine, these rats are our responsibility. What happens when they mate and there are hundreds of them? [Phoebe Buffay] Mate? They're all brothers and sisters. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah - not such a problem with rats. No, they're more of a "love the one you're with" kind of animals. [Phoebe Buffay] No. wh - get off your sister! Oh my god, what are we gonna do? We have 7 rats. So what if each of them has 7 rats? And then each of those have 7 rats? That's like ... That's math I can't even do! What are we gonna do? [Mike Hannigan] Well, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but, we could not let the box of rats ruin our lives. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites. [Mike Hannigan] It's gonna be ok. [Phoebe Buffay] You must think I'm crazy. [Mike Hannigan] No, I think you're sweet. [Phoebe Buffay] Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ... when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. I haven't told you about that yet, have I? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up? [Monica Geller] No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright? [Rachel Green] Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over. [Monica Geller] Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up . [Rachel Green] Mmm hmm. [Gavin Mitchell] Yeah, hey. [Monica Geller] Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover. [Rachel Green] No. [Gavin Mitchell] Nice party. [Rachel Green] Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party was lame ... [Monica Geller] Again, you're welcome. [Gavin Mitchell] Look, I'll just give you this and go. [Rachel Green] Oh, you bought me a present! Why? [Gavin Mitchell] Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier. [Rachel Green] Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card . "From Gavin" [Gavin Mitchell] I really mean it. [Rachel Green] Awww, awww, it's beautiful. [Gavin Mitchell] You don't mind? Well, what do you know, it fits! [Rachel Green] See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time? [Gavin Mitchell] I'm not sure. [Rachel Green] Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me. [Gavin Mitchell] I do have feelings for you. [Rachel Green] You do? [Gavin Mitchell] Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying. [Rachel Green] See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... and you do that ... [Chandler Bing] First I was afraid, I was petrified. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Hi. [Phoebe Buffay] Listen, I think I've left something here. [Chandler Bing] Oh, well someone left this . This is yours? [Phoebe Buffay] No, but I like it. I think I left one of my rat babies. [Chandler Bing] Oh, uh, well, I haven't seem it but if I do I'll let you know. [Monica Geller] Ohmygod! Rat baby! Rat baby! Rat baby! [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, maybe that's him!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e12", "title": "The One With Phoebe's Rats"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Monica Sings [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night? [Chandler Bing] Sure! Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you! Do you believe that who everdid something over here last night did what they did or didn't do ...I mean come on!! [Ross Geller] OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about? [Chandler Bing] No! [Ross Geller] OK! Last night after the party I saw Rachel kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony. [Chandler Bing] Our balcony? Seriously? That's so funny because I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony. And she said"No, no. It's too cold, nobody will go out there." And I said "Maybe if we put some light out there they will" [Ross Geller] Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were NO LIGHTS ! [Chandler Bing] So are you gonna...talk to her? [Ross Geller] Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine! [Chandler Bing] You know when "That's fine" sounds true when someone yells it and spits! [Ross Geller] No I'm serious. I mean she wants to date people? Fine! I don't care but...at least she could have told me. You knowI...I've been putting my life on hold and just concentrating on Emma but if she wants to go out there kissing guys shebarely knows, then so will I ! Very funny! Ross is gay! Ah! Ah! [Chandler Bing] No no no. Good. So you're moving on? Do you have any idea where you're moving? [Ross Geller] I don't know. I mean I have plenty of opportunity. Just just now there were some women at the coffee house smiled at me.And then the other day on the subway a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand. [Chandler Bing] Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life! [Ross Geller] Well, and how about this? There is an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me during the inter-departmentalPotluck dinner. [Chandler Bing] Why did I get married?! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! Let me ask you guys something. I have a new headshot taken tomorrow right and the photographer said she thinks Ishould have my eyebrows waxed. Is that weird for a guy? [Phoebe Buffay] Well it depends. [Joey Tribbiani] On...? [Phoebe Buffay] On how far along he's in the sex change process! [Monica Geller] No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,your eyebrows are... [Joey Tribbiani] Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out! [Phoebe Buffay] Your knuckles are kinda hairy too... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh man! I have to get those done too?! [Phoebe Buffay] Wow! Talking about high maintenance. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey hey! You dye your hair! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm a woman! [Joey Tribbiani] Arghhh! Double standards! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight? [Monica Geller] Only if I don't have to get up and sing. [Phoebe Buffay] But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words, flipped outand everyone booed him off the stage. So funny. [Monica Geller] It's just, I'm not good at singing. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing? [Monica Geller] No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up! [Phoebe Buffay] OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing. [Monica Geller] So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others? [Phoebe Buffay] While drinking... [Monica Geller] I'm there! [Rachel Green] Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid. [Phoebe Buffay] Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there. [Rachel Green] No not that. I kissed Gavin last night. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god. [Monica Geller] You kissed him? [Rachel Green] Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and... [Monica Geller] Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that? [Phoebe Buffay] It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper. [Monica Geller] Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing? [Rachel Green] You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf... [Monica Geller] I thought you hated him? [Rachel Green] You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf! [Monica Geller] So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy? [Rachel Green] I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don'tknow what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes. [Monica Geller] Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross. [Rachel Green] Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all... [Phoebe Buffay] Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have you!! --------------------------------------- [Salon Girl] Hi. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. I'm here for my eyebrow appointment. [Salon Girl] Name? [Joey Tribbiani] Chandler Bing. [Salon Girl] Ok. Very good. Have a seat right over here Mr. Bing and Sonia will be right with you. [Joey Tribbiani] OK Thanks.. I touched the stuff. [Sonia] I'll take care of it. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here? [Sonia] Oh absolutely. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh good... [Sonia] Are you looking to meet somebody? [Joey Tribbiani] All right let's just do this. [Sonia] We'll get to the wax in a minute. First I want to tweeze some of the strays, ok? This may sting just a little bit... [Joey Tribbiani] Please I have an extremely high threshold...Holly Mother Of God! My face! My face!! I'm all right! I'm all right!Just a little bit of shock that's all but I'll be fine you can go again. I'm OK Dammit! Woman!! How Hoooow! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey it's the most eligible man in NY. How's the moving on going? [Ross Geller] Not well. I went on the subway again and someone did sit on my hand but that person was neither female nor wearing pants. [Chandler Bing] Well maybe you're going about this the wrong way. You know I mean think about it. Single white male, divorced three times,two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.... [Ross Geller] That's funny...Do you think you'll ever work again? [Chandler Bing] What are doing? You know I can only dish it out! [Ross Geller] I can't believe Rachel just moved on and didn't say anything to me. [Chandler Bing] Maybe she didn't move on, you know...maybe that kiss was just an impulsive one-time birthday thing. [Ross Geller] No no, about a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar. [Chandler Bing] Did she go out with him? [Ross Geller] No. When he called, I...I threw the message away. [Chandler Bing] Ah! The high road... [Ross Geller] You know what? Enough! Enough talking! I have to get moving! Hey check out those two blondes over there!Hey come with me! [Chandler Bing] Are you trying to get everybody divorced? [Ross Geller] You don't have to do anything. It will just be easier if it is the two of us, like college, remember? You...you break theice with some kind of jokes so that they know you're the funny one and I swoop in with some interesting conversation, sothey'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one... [Chandler Bing] I thought I had to make the jokes! [Ross Geller] Don't you have to be at work? [Chandler Bing] Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!! [Ross Geller] Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Here's a question: "Would you...would you rather drown or be burnt alive?" [Blonde Girl] Sorry...we were just leaving. [Chandler Bing] We still got it! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Who is it? [Gavin Mitchell] Gavin! I brought you some soup. [Rachel Green] Why? [Gavin Mitchell] I heard you were sick... [Rachel Green] Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin. [Gavin Mitchell] I missed you at work today. How are you feeling? [Rachel Green] I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick. [Gavin Mitchell] Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me. [Rachel Green] Oh no no no. [Gavin Mitchell] So I had fun last night. [Rachel Green] So did I. [Gavin Mitchell] Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite you? [Rachel Green] It's just a cold. [Gavin Mitchell] Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum... [Rachel Green] What? What's the matter? [Gavin Mitchell] What's Ross doing to you on that picture? [Rachel Green] Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny. [Gavin Mitchell] Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything. [Rachel Green] Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide! [Gavin Mitchell] Yeah! But you said not to worry about... [Rachel Green] I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain! [Molly] Hi! [Rachel Green] Oh! Molly! You're not Ross. [Molly] No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember? [Rachel Green] Right, right, yes! [Molly] Don't panic! [Rachel Green] What? [Molly] There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse. [Rachel Green] No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly.Gavin come out from behind that curtain! [Gavin Mitchell] Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there. [Molly] Hello! I just go and get Emma. [Rachel Green] OK. [Gavin Mitchell] So hum...Why did I have to hide? [Rachel Green] I thought it was Ross. [Gavin Mitchell] So what if it was? I thought there was nothing going on between you two... [Rachel Green] There isn't. There is totally isn't. [Gavin Mitchell] You hear a key in the hole and you jump like a young bronco coming out of a chute for the first time. I used to be arodeo clown. [Rachel Green] All right. Look. Gavin...I...I guess I felt guilty that you were here, which I shouldn't. You know Ross and I are not inany relationship but...he is the father of my child, and you know we do live together and plus there is just so muchhistory...you know it's just...I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm just all over the place. [Gavin Mitchell] It's OK. I know it's probably not my place but can I give you a piece of advice? [Rachel Green] Yes. [Gavin Mitchell] I think you should talk to Ross about all this. [Rachel Green] People keep saying that. Oh I'm sorry Gavin. [Gavin Mitchell] Don't be. It's just bad timing. [Rachel Green] So seriously...rodeo clown? [Gavin Mitchell] One of the best, ma'am, one of the best... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] "No time for losers, 'cause we are the champions of the world...!" Thank you! [Mike Hannigan] Oh she's my girlfriend. That's not just how we do it here. I got to get a break and when we come back we've got Kennethsinging "I touch myself"...I'm not here to judge! [Phoebe Buffay] Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing. [Monica Geller] No I told you I can't. [Phoebe Buffay] But you would have so much fun and you have a really nice voice. [Monica Geller] What have you heard me sing? [Phoebe Buffay] All the time when you're cooking. [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy" [Monica Geller] Yeah I do rock that one. [Phoebe Buffay] OK so isn't there a little part of you that wants to get up there? [Monica Geller] Just a little but...it's just so scary! I don't even know what I would sing... [Mike Hannigan] Well I've got a book around... [Monica Geller] "Delta Dawn" --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi! I could help not notice, but that's an unusual necklace. [Woman] You already hit on me an hour ago. [Ross Geller] Right, so that's a firm "no". I cannot believe this, I just keep striking out. [Chandler Bing] I don't get it neither, I mean you're obviously desperate, you're asking women how they want to be killed. [Ross Geller] This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone. [Chandler Bing] By drowning or...?! [Michelle] Why would he break up with me? [Her Friend] I don't know sweetie. [Michelle] All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable? [Chandler Bing] Well... [Ross Geller] I know! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monicasinging "Delta Dawn". [Monica Geller] Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people. [Phoebe Buffay] Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyoneanyway. [Monica Geller] Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing "Delta Dawn""Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ..." [Phoebe Buffay] Can you totally see through her shirt ? [Mike Hannigan] Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra. [Monica Geller] "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?" --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I need your help. [Chandler Bing] Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd? [Joey Tribbiani] Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my eyebrows shaped. [Chandler Bing] I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please! [Joey Tribbiani] You may be a sissy but I'll still . All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don't match! [Chandler Bing] It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama! [Joey Tribbiani] All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one soI don't look stupid for my pictures. [Chandler Bing] Ok. First of all, this is green! [Joey Tribbiani] What the hell am I supposed to do! [Chandler Bing] All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you. [Joey Tribbiani] What, what. [Chandler Bing] Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business" partners. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help Victor Victoria! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I don't know if I can take anymoreplucking. It hurts so bad! [Chandler Bing] Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing touch. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out there? [Phoebe Buffay] Every little bit of you! [Monica Geller] I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear thatone shouting "look at those tips"! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips? [Mike Hannigan] Sure. [Phoebe Buffay] Mon', not that you didn't sound good, but... [Monica Geller] Good? Didn't you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. That's is the best gift ever. [Mike Hannigan] Also a good gift? Underwear. --------------------------------------- [Michelle] Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone doanything else. [Ross Geller] But, what's great is that you don't mind talking about it. [Michelle] It's so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because it's like you lose a boyfriend,you get a boyfriend. [Ross Geller] Uh-ah! [Michelle] No don't worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric. [Ross Geller] . Good choice Ross. [Rachel Green] Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere! [Ross Geller] Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am. [Rachel Green] Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o' clock. So I was hoping you and I could have achance to kind of talk... somebody here? [Ross Geller] Oh, yeah, yeah that's Michelle. [Rachel Green] Who? [Ross Geller] Oh, just this woman I've been seeing. [Rachel Green] You've being seeing someone? [Ross Geller] Yeah, didn't I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we haven't being going out for too long, but rather there is thisamazing connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it wasa little too soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice. [Michelle] What are you taking amoxicillin for? [Ross Geller] How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, that'smy roommate, Rachel. [Rachel Green] Hi, and I am also Emma's mother. [Michelle] Ah, who is Emma? [Ross Geller] I told you about my daughter. [Michelle] This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] And done! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! I didn't feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon. [Chandler Bing] Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right aboutthere, but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate. [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you so much. [Chandler Bing] No problem. [Joey Tribbiani] Listen that's a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it. [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] Comb my eyelashes. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Ok, for my next song I think I'll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the PointerSisters "I am so excited". And make it bouncy! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh you'll probably take care of that on your hands. [Chandler Bing] I am sorry I am late. You'll understand when you'll see Joey. [Monica Geller] Honey, you're just in time, I'm about to sing another song! [Chandler Bing] Really? In front of all this people? [Monica Geller] And they love me! [Chandler Bing] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, she gives the people what they want. [Monica Geller] All right, watch! [Monica Geller] "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in thistime and show me some affection..." [Chandler Bing] Are those my wife's nipples? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh? Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again. [Chandler Bing] I gotta stop this. [Monica Geller] Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..." [Chandler Bing] You, touching yourself, out! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Wow. She does that a lot! [Michelle] Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor! [Rachel Green] What, what, wait a minute! You haven't even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, likean hour? [Michelle] Actually about an hour and a half. [Ross Geller] I told you it wasn't long, but there is an amazing connection between us. [Michelle] You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me! [Ross Geller] Are you kidding? [Michelle] Hey, do you want to go away this weekend? [Ross Geller] We'll see. [Rachel Green] Ok, Ross, what's going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now? [Ross Geller] I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies? [Rachel Green] How do you know about that? [Ross Geller] Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep... [Michelle] Emma. [Ross Geller] When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week? [Rachel Green] Oh, that's what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me? [Michelle] No, actually, see I had to pee, 'cause I can't use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites. [Ross Geller] Ok, Michelle, it's time to go. [Michelle] Well, call me! [Ross Geller] Ok. [Michelle] No, wait, you don't have my phone number! [Ross Geller] You know, if it's meant to be, I'll guess it. Bye, bye. [Rachel Green] Score. [Ross Geller] Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties onthe balcony. [Rachel Green] Oh God, I can't believe you're making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time! [Ross Geller] Oh, really! [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] Oh, really! [Rachel Green] Oh yeah. [Ross Geller] What about the guy from the bar? [Rachel Green] What? Who? [Ross Geller] The guy you gave your number to. [Rachel Green] Whoa, how do you know about that? [Ross Geller] Because he called here looking for you. So don't tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing,ok? You've been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. [Rachel Green] Why didn't I get that message? [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] From the guy in the bar, why didn't I get that message? [Ross Geller] Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you...do you not look there? [Rachel Green] Ross? [Ross Geller] I never gave it to you. [Rachel Green] Why? [Ross Geller] I don't know. [Rachel Green] Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get? [Ross Geller] Who am I? [Rachel Green] Yes. [Ross Geller] I am the guy who's taking care of our baby while you're out at bars meeting guys! [Rachel Green] Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with youAbout us! But I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment! [Ross Geller] None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! That's not the point. Ok? The point is you...you are the oneWho moved on and didn't tell anyone! [Rachel Green] Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! What's wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation theyAlways ask, "what, you live together but you're not a couple? And you have a baby, isn't that weird? And I say "No.You know what, it's not, because it works for us! But you know this doesn't work. In fact this is the opposite of working! [Ross Geller] Uh, clearly. [Rachel Green] And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you know,Just doesn't make sense anymore. [Ross Geller] Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do? --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while? [Joey Tribbiani] Ha, oh, of course. [Rachel Green] Thank you. [Joey Tribbiani] Your eyebrows look weird. [Chandler Bing] "Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped himdrink his wine." So you just touch yourself for anything?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e13", "title": "The One Where Monica Sings"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Blind Dates [Joey Tribbiani] Morning, roomie! [Rachel Green] Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning. [Joey Tribbiani] Fifth day's a charm. [Rachel Green] Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night? [Ross Geller] Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight? [Rachel Green] Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so... [Joey Tribbiani] She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night. [Rachel Green] Bye! [Ross Geller] Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you. [Joey Tribbiani] No, hey, it's been great. [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump... [Ross Geller] Yeah, that'll do it. [Joey Tribbiani] Wow! So, how are you? [Ross Geller] I'm, I'm okay. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? [Ross Geller] Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, actually it... [Ross Geller] No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people. [Joey Tribbiani] Wow, really? [Ross Geller] Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me... [Joey Tribbiani] Sure, I know lots of girls. [Ross Geller] Yeah? Any names come to mind? [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh, names? Opening credits. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something? [Phoebe Buffay] What you got? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet. [Phoebe Buffay] Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too. [Joey Tribbiani] Why are they doing this? [Phoebe Buffay] I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy. [Joey Tribbiani] You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here? [Phoebe Buffay] I just wish they'd realise they should be together. [Joey Tribbiani] I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed. [Phoebe Buffay] I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children. [Joey Tribbiani] Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name. [Phoebe Buffay] You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for each other. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom. [Phoebe Buffay] So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people? [Joey Tribbiani] I know; that just pushes them further and further apart. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise how good they are together. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh, that's a great plan! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." [Joey Tribbiani] Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh... --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you? [Chandler Bing] See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries. [Rachel Green] I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight. [Monica Geller] Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to? [Rachel Green] Well, Phoebe set me up on a date. [Monica Geller] Oh my god. [Chandler Bing] Wow. [Rachel Green] Why? What's the big deal? [Monica Geller] Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are... [Rachel Green] What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set. [Chandler Bing] Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood! [Monica Geller] You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume! [Rachel Green] So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay? [Monica Geller] Oh, it's perfect. [Rachel Green] Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun! [Chandler Bing] Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight. [Joey Tribbiani] All right! Who is he? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, it's this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher! [Phoebe Buffay] A teacher? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my god, you're right! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] She even reads for pleasure! [Phoebe Buffay] How do you even know a woman like that? [Joey Tribbiani] What? I'm not allowed to know smart women? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] I met her at the library. I went in to pee. [Phoebe Buffay] So now what do we do? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else. [Phoebe Buffay] What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up! [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh...I hear that's bad. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good they have it together. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, yes, The Plan! [Phoebe Buffay] It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you know, it's not that fun. [Phoebe Buffay] No, I think we killed it. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while. [Chandler Bing] No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have! [Monica Geller] Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours. [Chandler Bing] I don't do that. [Chandler Bing] I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth? [Monica Geller] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] Today is the sixth. [Monica Geller] No, it's not. [Chandler Bing] Yes, it's also 2003. [Monica Geller] Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant. [Chandler Bing] It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay. [Monica Geller] Okay. [Chandler Bing] Tough crib. [Monica Geller] Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here. [Chandler Bing] I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times. [Monica Geller] Chandler! [Chandler Bing] I am not working. There's not much to do around here! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle? [Waiter] Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy. [Ross Geller] Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me. [Waiter] Can I get you another glass of wine? [Ross Geller] Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone. [Waiter] Got stood up, huh? [Ross Geller] Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date. [Waiter] Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left? [Ross Geller] No! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] We're okay. I'm still ovulating. [Chandler Bing] Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not. [Monica Geller] So, let's do this. [Chandler Bing] I - I don't think I can. [Monica Geller] Come on. I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute. [Chandler Bing] Because of Emma. [Monica Geller] Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone. [Chandler Bing] Sorry. [Monica Geller] Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age? [Chandler Bing] Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it. [Monica Geller] Canoodling? [Chandler Bing] Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y. [Monica Geller] I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so... [Chandler Bing] Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for? [Monica Geller] I guess you're right. [Chandler Bing] You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window. [Monica Geller] But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken. [Steve] I - I just have to say this; you're really beautiful. [Rachel Green] Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank you. [Steve] I'm kind of funny looking. [Rachel Green] What? [Steve] Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not! [Rachel Green] So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken. [Steve] I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna happen. [Rachel Green] Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive. [Steve] I lost it. To drugs. [Steve] I silk-screen t-shirts now. [Rachel Green] Really? What's that like? [Steve] It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile. [Rachel Green] Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself. [Steve] I do like my hair. [Rachel Green] Really? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hello? [Rachel Green] Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, Rach! [Rachel Green] This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep? [Phoebe Buffay] You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends. [Rachel Green] I don't care! This guy is a nightmare! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned. [Rachel Green] He's not stoned. [Phoebe Buffay] Did he go out for a cigarette? [Rachel Green] Yeah, four times. [Phoebe Buffay] My dear, sweet Rach. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together. [Phoebe Buffay] By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] She's asleep. Chandler? [Monica Geller] What are you doing? [Chandler Bing] Emma was doing it! [Monica Geller] She's asleep. [Chandler Bing] Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can... [Monica Geller] Yes, but we have to be fast. [Chandler Bing] Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise. [Monica Geller] Okay, I'll try. [Joey Tribbiani] Hello? [Joey Tribbiani] Emma? Hey! Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed? [Joey Tribbiani] You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E! --------------------------------------- [Waiter] I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left. [Ross Geller] Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be. [Waiter] Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house. [Ross Geller] Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight. [Waiter] Ooh... [Ross Geller] Just the crab cakes. [Waiter #2] What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that. [Waiter] Just get out of here, okay? [Ross Geller] What's - what's going on? [Waiter] Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home. [Ross Geller] What? You - you're making money off my misery? [Waiter] Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am. [Ross Geller] This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast. [Chandler Bing] I think we may have really done it this time. [Monica Geller] Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test. [Chandler Bing] You may wanna get some more of those too. [Chandler Bing] Where's Emma? [Monica Geller] Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma? [Chandler Bing] Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you! [Monica Geller] Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell. [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Monica Geller] Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel. --------------------------------------- [Steve] I - I can't believe I'm crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic. [Rachel Green] No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry. [Steve] Really? [Rachel Green] Don't touch my coat! [Rachel Green] Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello? [Monica Geller] Hey, Rach, how's it going? [Rachel Green] Oh my god, this is the worst date ever! [Rachel Green] Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? What's up? [Monica Geller] Hey, did you stop by here? [Rachel Green] No. [Monica Geller] Oh my god, then... [Monica Geller] Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are! [Rachel Green] What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she? [Monica Geller] Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just - she loves it when I'm dramatic. [Monica Geller] Why the hell did you take her? [Joey Tribbiani] Because you two were having sex! [Monica Geller] No, we weren't! [Joey Tribbiani] Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once? [Chandler Bing] All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this. [Chandler Bing] No, no, no. [Monica Geller] No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I gotta! Unless... [Monica Geller] Unless what? [Joey Tribbiani] Unless you name your firstborn child Joey. [Chandler Bing] What? Why? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name. [Chandler Bing] Your family name is Tribbiani. [Joey Tribbiani] You almost had me. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Well, uh... [Steve] Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me? [Rachel Green] Really, really not. [Steve] Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway. [Rachel Green] All right, well that's good to know. Good night, Steve. [Ross Geller] Hey, what's wrong? [Rachel Green] I just had a rough night. [Ross Geller] Oh. Crab cake? [Rachel Green] Eww! [Ross Geller] Well, what happened? [Rachel Green] Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but... [Ross Geller] Monica told me you had a blind date. [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] I did, too. [Rachel Green] Oh. [Ross Geller] But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up? [Rachel Green] Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left? [Ross Geller] Why does everyone keep saying that? [Rachel Green] Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up. [Ross Geller] That bad? [Rachel Green] Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this. [Ross Geller] Female body inspector? What size is that? [Phoebe Buffay] Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh-huh. [Phoebe Buffay] How - how do I get them to name the next one after me? [Joey Tribbiani] It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. [Phoebe Buffay] Don't, don't do the plan-laugh. [Ross Geller] The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters. [Rachel Green] Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show. [Ross Geller] Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid. [Joey Tribbiani] We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run! [Joey Tribbiani] Where? [Phoebe Buffay] Mexico! End credits. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Can you believe they're still not here? [Ross Geller] I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances? [Joey Tribbiani] I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now? [Waiter] What? [Joey Tribbiani] We've been stood up. And we want our free crab cakes. [Waiter] Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry. [Steve] I have such fat hands!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e14", "title": "The One With The Blind Dates"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Mugging [Chandler Bing] Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what. [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! [Monica Geller] Really? Let's get past the moment. [Phoebe Buffay] What's your news? [Chandler Bing] Thank you. I got a job in advertising. [Monica Geller] Oh, honey, that's incredible! [Phoebe Buffay] Gosh, what's the pay like? Oh, come on people... come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! Hey Joey! [Chandler Bing] Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. [Chandler Bing] Right. So, it'll be the same except... less sex with you. [Ross Geller] So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? [Chandler Bing] Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. [Phoebe Buffay] That's great. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating. [Chandler Bing] Humiliating and noble! [Ross Geller] You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. [Monica Geller] Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" [Ross Geller] Yes, I did, I did! I should have written it down! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. ... and I smelled bacon. [Monica Geller] He just left. [Joey Tribbiani] Who did? [Rachel Green] Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called. [Joey Tribbiani] She did? [Rachel Green] You got it! [Joey Tribbiani] I did? [Monica Geller] What is she talking about? [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know, but it sounds great. [Rachel Green] Your agent called. You got that audition. [Joey Tribbiani] With Lennart Haze? [Rachel Green] Yes. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my god, that is great! That is *** for a play on broadway... and in a real theatre, not that little one underneath the dally like last time. [Monica Geller] Is it a good play? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, it must be, because I read and I didn't understand a singe word. [Rachel Green] Yeah, and Lennart Haze is starring in it. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah, and directing. [Monica Geller] He was so good in that movie of MacBeth. [Rachel Green] You saw that? [Monica Geller] No, but... I saw the previews. They played it right before Jackass. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, he's done some amazing works. [Rachel Green] Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cell phone commercials. [Joey Tribbiani] I know. When the monkey hits him in the face with that giant rubber phone. [Monica Geller] Hey! Maybe the monkey will be at the audition! [Joey Tribbiani] Don't make me more nervous than I already am! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Good morning, everybody. [Intern] Can I get you a cup of coffee, Sir? [Chandler Bing] Oh, no, no, I'm an intern, just like you guys... except for the tie, the briefcase... and the fact that I can rent a car. [Intern] Seriously, you're an intern? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction and, you know, you gotta start at the bottom. [Intern] Dude! [Chandler Bing] Right. Look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope. [Chandler Bing] The comedian? USO?! [Intern] Uhm, it's USA, sir. --------------------------------------- [Receptionist] This is Joey Tribbiani. Joey, these are the producers and, as you probably already know, this is Lennart Haze. [Joey Tribbiani] It is so amazing to meet you. I'm such a big fan of your work. [Lennart] Well, I've... I've been blessed with a... a lot of great roles. [Joey Tribbiani] Tell me about it! "Unlimited nights and weekends!" [Lennart] You making fun of me? Because I am not a sell-out. I didn't do that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service. [Joey Tribbiani] No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials. [Lennart] Really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Lennart] Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role. [Joey Tribbiani] Are you kiddin'? When they shoot you out of that cannon. [Lennart] Peeeeeooooooooch "Hang up that phone!" One take! [Joey Tribbiani] Wow! [Lennart] So, shall we read? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, yah, sure. [Lennart] Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it? [Lennart] "What the hell are you still doing here"? [Joey Tribbiani] Err, "I think you know". [Lennart] "Bastard"! [Joey Tribbiani] "I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now." [Lennart] "Go, go!" [Joey Tribbiani] "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't." [Lennart] I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause" [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or something, you know with a... [Lennart] No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it with an accent, you know, Southern "I could go right now, maaan!" [Lennart] My god in heaven. [Producer #1] Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment? [Lennart] You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. . [Lennart] Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And, and also: 'How you doing?' You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get better, please. [Lennart] Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Lennart] Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much. [Joey Tribbiani] I really doubt that. [Lennart] No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body. There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you. [Joey Tribbiani] Couldn't I just sleep with the producer? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight? [Ross Geller] Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a really good feeling about her. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I hear divorce bells. [Lowell (mugger)] Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem. [Ross Geller] What? [Lowell (mugger)] I have a gun. [Ross Geller] O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. . Oh my god, I can't find my wallet. [Lowell (mugger)] Alright, lady, now give me your purse! [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Ross Geller] What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay. [Phoebe Buffay] Lowell, is that you? [Lowell (mugger)] Phoebe? Oh my god! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross. [Lowell (mugger)] Ross, nice to meet you. [Ross Geller] Yeah, a real pleasure. [Phoebe Buffay] Ah, it's been so long, so long. I can't believe you're still doing this! [Lowell (mugger)] Ough, I know, but I quit smoking! [Phoebe Buffay] Good for you! [Lowell (mugger)] So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging days are behind you? [Phoebe Buffay] Ouh... [Ross Geller] Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people? [Phoebe Buffay] Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey, how did the audition go? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not like me. [Monica Geller] What happened? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough, you know, and that everything I did was horizontal and I should be more vertical. Oh, and he said that I should think less. [Monica Geller] So far so good! [Chandler Bing] Honey, I'm old! [Monica Geller] What's wrong? [Chandler Bing] I am so much older than these other interns. I can't compete with them. [Monica Geller] So you're a little older. Try to look at the positive: You have all this life experience. [Chandler Bing] Yes, but I don't think life experience with these. [Joey Tribbiani] Wooooooooow It's like they're on fire! [Monica Geller] What are they? [Chandler Bing] They're these prototype sneakers and come up with ideas on how to sell them which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever where these. [Joey Tribbiani] I give you $ 500 for them! [Chandler Bing] What am I supposed to do with these? [Monica Geller] Ah, come on, sneakers are easy. You wear sneakers all the time. [Chandler Bing] Well, first of all, they're not called "sneakers" anymore. Apparently, they're called "kicks" or "skids" and I think I heard somebody say "slorps". And here, look: they've got these wheels to pop out from the bottom so you can roll around 'cause, apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity! Would you help me try to sell these? [Monica Geller] Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers? [Chandler Bing] No, I don't think that's the kinda thing they're looking for. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, that'd work on me! Why did I get to buy Mrs. Butterwords? --------------------------------------- [#ALL#] Hey, hey! [Ross Geller] Hey, you'll never guess what just happened... Phoebe and I got mugged! [Monica Geller] You okay?! [Ross Geller] Yah, because Phoebe knew the mugger! [Monica Geller] How do you know a mugger? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry I have friends outside the six of us. [Ross Geller] You wanna know how she knew him? Because Phoebe used to mug people. [Monica Geller] Seriously? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I'm not proud of it, but, you know... sometimes when I was living on the street and I needed money for food and stuff I. [Monica Geller] Phoebe, that is awful! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, ok, I wasn't rich like you guys, ok, I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony... I had a hard life, my mother was killed by a drug dealer. [Monica Geller] You're mother killed herself! [Phoebe Buffay] She was a drug dealer! [Ross Geller] Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew the knew him, because I was about to do some serious damage! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Monica Geller] Well, this must've brought back some really bad memories for you, Ross. [Phoebe Buffay] Why? [Monica Geller] Well, Ross was mugged as a kid. [Phoebe Buffay] You were? [Ross Geller] Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Marc's Comics... you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business, you know, seeing what kinda trouble spiderman got into that week- [Monica Geller] Wonderwoman! [Ross Geller] Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer torts for someone... ... when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!" [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god. [Ross Geller] I know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own comic book: "Science Boy" [Monica Geller] Oh yeah! What was his superpower again? [Ross Geller] A superhuman thirst for knowledge. [Monica Geller] That's it. [Ross Geller] Well, I-I better get to class Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way, Phoebe? [Phoebe Buffay] No... actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street... that's where stabby Joe works. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, I think we have a problem here. [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked St. Marc's Comics. [Monica Geller] Yeah? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat. [Monica Geller] So? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that said- [Monica Geller] "Geology rocks!" [Monica Geller] Oh my god! [Phoebe Buffay] I know... I mugged Ross! --------------------------------------- [Receptionist] You're late! [Joey Tribbiani] I know, I'm sorry, but can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom? [Receptionist] No, Lennart doesn't wait! [Joey Tribbiani] But I'm bursting with u-hu! [Lennart] Joey! Here we go. Let's go very quickly! [Joey Tribbiani] Actually, I really need. [Lennart] We must go now, quickly, please. [Joey Tribbiani] Yes... ahahaaa. [Lennart] Ready? "What the hell are you still doing here?" [Joey Tribbiani] "I think you know!" [Lennart] "Oh, you sick bastard!" [Joey Tribbiani] "I am what you made me! You know what?" [Lennart] "What?" [Joey Tribbiani] "I could go right now." [Lennart] "Then go, go!" [Joey Tribbiani] "I, oh, I can't. I want to, but I can't!" [Lennart] Cut! That was good. That was very good. You did everything I asked for. [Joey Tribbiani] I did? [Lennart] Yes. Plus... what you've got that... I don't know what you've got going... this squirmy quality that you bring into the character that I couldn't've even imagined. Wow, hey, here's what we gonna do: come back tomorrow for the final callbacks with the ***, do all of this what you've got going now, but you know what? more, more. Can you do that? [Joey Tribbiani] Sure, yeah. I don't have time to say thank you because I really gotta go. [Lennart] Look at that: still in character, I like it... I plant seeds I can't explain. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] What are you doing? [Chandler Bing] Putting on the sneakers... thought I'd get into a younger mindset, you know, to see if it sparked anything. [Rachel Green] Oh, anything yet? [Chandler Bing] Yes, how's this: They're so uncomfortable it's like getting kicked in the nuts for your feet! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [#ALL#] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Probably wanna know what I'm doing...? [Monica Geller] No, that seems about right. [Joey Tribbiani] Yesterday at my audition, I really had to pee, and apparently, having to pee makes me a really good actor. I got a call-back, so I'm drinking everything. Oh, by the way, that egg nog in our fridge was great! [Rachel Green] Joey, that was formula. [Joey Tribbiani] We gotta get more of that. [Chandler Bing] You know what... these aren't half-bad! You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren. [Rachel Green] Okay, first of all, that's stupid and second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph. [Chandler Bing] Alright I feel youger already! [Chandler Bing] Yah, I think I broke my hip. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, you! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, how was class? [Ross Geller] No one ever asked me that, what's wrong? [Phoebe Buffay] Nothing, I really wanna know. [Ross Geller] Oh... Well, uhm, there was actually a rather lively discussion about the Pleistocene. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, nothing is worth this. Uhm, I have a confession to make... uhm, okay, you know, that girl that mugged you when you were a kid. [Ross Geller] Wh-What are you talking about? It wasn't a girl. It was this huge dude. [Phoebe Buffay] You don't have to lie anymore, Ross, I know that it was a fourteen year-old girl. [Ross Geller] No, it wasn't. [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, it was. [Ross Geller] No, it wasn't. You don't think I would've defended myself against a fourteen year-old. [Phoebe Buffay] "Gimme your money, punk!" [Ross Geller] Oh my god, it was you! I can't believe it, you... you mugged me? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, and I'm so, so sorry, Ross, I'm sorry, but, you know, if you think about it, it's kinda neat. I mean, well, it's just that I I've always felt kinda like an outsider, you know, the rest of you have these connections that go way back and, you know, now, you and I have... have a great one! [Ross Geller] It's not the best! [Phoebe Buffay] I know, I'm sorry, please forgive me. I don't know what to say. [Ross Geller] There's nothing you can say. That was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me. [Phoebe Buffay] Really? Even more humiliating than. [Ross Geller] Hey, let's not do this! --------------------------------------- [Intern] ... and then, at the end of the commercial, the girls get out of the hut tub and start making out with each other! [Boss] That's interesting! Just one thought: You didn't mention the shoes. Who's next? Chander. [Chandler Bing] Okay... You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes. He's about my age. [Intern] Your age? [Chandler Bing] A-huh. So he's rolling down the street and he starts to lose control, you know... maybe he falls... maybe hurts himself. Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes. He jumps over the old guy and laughs, and the line reads: "Not suitable for adults!" [Boss] Chandler, that's great! [Chandler Bing] Oh, thank you, sir... or man-who's-two-years-younger-than-me. [Boss] You see? That has a clear selling point. It appeals to our key demographic, it's.... You did you come up with that? [Chandler Bing] I don't know, I don' I don' know! I was just trying to get into a young mindset, you know, and it just started to flow. [Boss] That is great. Good work! Chandler. Thank you. [Boss] See all of you tomorrow. [Chandler Bing] The cold weather hurts my hip! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, Ross! I know you're still mad at me, but can I just talk to you for a second? [Ross Geller] Sure, go ahead. Whoops, sorry, sure, go ahead. [Phoebe Buffay] I just really wanted to apologize again and... and also show you something I think you'll find very exciting. [Ross Geller] Oh my god, crap from the street? [Phoebe Buffay] Look, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging that I thought were too special to sell... or smoke. Anyway, I was looking through it and I found "Science Boy" [Ross Geller] Oh my god. I never thought I'd see this again. It's all here. What made you save it all these years? [Phoebe Buffay] I can't say, I just thought it was really good... and... maybe would be worth something some day. [Ross Geller] You really thought "Science Boy" was worth saving! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... but you should know, I also have a jar of vaseline and a cat skull in here. [Ross Geller] Still... this is amazing... Oh my god, thank you, Phoebe. [Phoebe Buffay] You're welcome. And thank you for "Science Boy". I learned a lot from him. [Ross Geller] You're welcome. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] "I need an answer!" [Lennart] "I-I-I can't tell you somethin' I don't know." [Joey Tribbiani] "You know!" [Lennart] "I don't know!" [Joey Tribbiani] "I need an answer now!" [Lennart] "Alright, here, you want an answer... the answer... is..." [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! [Lennart] "She never loved me, she only loved you." [Joey Tribbiani] "You knew this all along and you never told me? You never told me? I can never forgive you, I can never forgive myself, I have nothing to live for Bang End Scene!" [Lennart] Absolutely amazing! The part is yours. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh thanks, thanks! Now, I really have to get. [Lennart] Wa-wa-wa-wait! Congratulations! You did it! You did it! You can relax now. Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Wow, that's a big cable bill! Huh, you don't have a job, but you have no problem ordering porn... on a Saturday afternoon?! I was in the house! [Ross Geller] Hey, uhm, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that. [Monica Geller] ... that she was the huge guy that mugged you? Yah. [Ross Geller] I see. You didn't happen to tell. [Monica Geller] ... everybody we know? Yeah. [Ross Geller] Great. Thanks!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e15", "title": "The One With The Mugging"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Boob Job [Chandler Bing] Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right? [Monica Geller] I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos. What happened to all our money? [Chandler Bing] I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron. [Monica Geller] I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in. [Chandler Bing] Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays. [Monica Geller] Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing that you love was y'know... finding gold. [Chandler Bing] You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer? [Monica Geller] Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents. [Chandler Bing] No! We're not borrowing money. [Monica Geller] Why not? [Chandler Bing] Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money. [Monica Geller] Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride. [Chandler Bing] That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working twice as hard. --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] I'm gonna go. [Phoebe Buffay] Why?? [Mike Hannigan] I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you. [Mike Hannigan] I put that tube top on as a joke. [Phoebe Buffay] I want you to stay. [Mike Hannigan] I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can.. [Phoebe Buffay] Why don't you turn them inside ou... [Mike Hannigan] Done it. I'll be back in a couple of hours. [Phoebe Buffay] I'll miss you. [Mike Hannigan] Me too. You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna go home. [Phoebe Buffay] Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top. [Mike Hannigan] No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together? [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!" [Mike Hannigan] So we're doing it? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! Oh god, we're really going to move in together! [Mike Hannigan] Yeah! [Phoebe Buffay] I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex anymore!" It's gonna be fun! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Monica Geller] Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler. [Joey Tribbiani] I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good......But wrong. [Monica Geller] Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to borrow some money. [Joey Tribbiani] Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake. [Monica Geller] But Chandler lent you money! [Joey Tribbiani] And I think he would tell you it was a mistake. [Monica Geller] Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh...how much? [Monica Geller] Two thousand dollars? [Joey Tribbiani] Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!? [Monica Geller] Yeah... [Joey Tribbiani] That's right I am! [Rachel Green] Hi you guys! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Oo...what's in the bag? [Rachel Green] Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh! [Monica Geller] Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff? [Rachel Green] No. I was just going to do this myself. [Joey Tribbiani] You're gonna do it? [Rachel Green] Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, women can. You can't. [Rachel Green] Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig? [Monica Geller] You're a pig. And you can't do this. [Rachel Green] Wha!? What!? Come on! I found the hardware store all by myself! [Joey Tribbiani] The hardware store is right down the street. [Rachel Green] There is a hardware store right down the street? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey you guys! Ok, we've got great news. [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe and I are moving in together. [Chandler Bing] Congratulations!/Good for you!/Great! [Phoebe Buffay] I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before. [Monica Geller] Well you know it's just like living with a girl. Only they don't steal your makeup. Unless they're playing "This is what my sister would look like" [Chandler Bing] Yeah.... she's not so cute. [Mike Hannigan] I'm gonna go to the bathroom. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, well you put down the toilet seat. [Mike Hannigan] Yes dear. [Monica Geller] Is that a bit you guys do? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh huh...we're playing you two. [Monica Geller] We don't do that! Tell her we don't do that! [Chandler Bing] Yes dear. [Ross Geller] I can't believe you guys are moving in together. That's, that's great! I mean...I'm happy for you guys.. [Monica Geller] I hear wedding bells. [Phoebe Buffay] Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do. [Ross Geller] Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional. [Phoebe Buffay] I know! I guess I am! Oh my god! Load up the Volvo I want to be a soccer mom! [Mike Hannigan] You ready to go? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! You bet roomy! [Monica Geller] Don't you mean..groomy? [Mike Hannigan] What are you talking about? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. [Phoebe Buffay] China patterns!!!!! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] This is easy...Can't do this! Oh! Wow! Seriously I can't do this. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it. [Joey Tribbiani] I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica. [Chandler Bing] And that would have made the official party line. Monica and I are having a little financial trouble. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I know. [Chandler Bing] What? What do you mean you know? [Joey Tribbiani] Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad. [Chandler Bing] Oh! Right. [Joey Tribbiani] That's the fastest I have ever thought! [Chandler Bing] Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars? [Chandler Bing] Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! [Joey Tribbiani] Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. [Chandler Bing] Oh ok. [Joey Tribbiani] I am on fire! Chandler : Listen...this is really nice. Do you... Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you? [Joey Tribbiani] Err... Kind of. [Chandler Bing] I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her. [Chandler Bing] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Something personal. [Chandler Bing] What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about? [Woman] Excuse me. [Joey Tribbiani] Boob job. [Monica Geller] I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy! [Joey Tribbiani] Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy. --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy. [Mike Hannigan] I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go. [Phoebe Buffay] What do you mean? [Mike Hannigan] Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh. Wow. [Mike Hannigan] It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea. [Phoebe Buffay] Was it really that bad? [Mike Hannigan] At one point near the end she deliberately defecated..... [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean. [Mike Hannigan] Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was totally wrong! [Phoebe Buffay] But it's just... [Mike Hannigan] Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! [Mike Hannigan] I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea. [Phoebe Buffay] No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister! [Mike Hannigan] Trust me, I will never... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah I get that. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi! [Monica Geller] So you gave in and decided to call someone? [Rachel Green] Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks. [Handyman] You're all set. [Rachel Green] Oh thank you so much. Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. [Handyman] Thanks..... [Chandler Bing] Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife. [Rachel Green] Don't look at me I never get his jokes. [Monica Geller] Thank you? [Chandler Bing] Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single thing! And definitely not... two... single things. [Monica Geller] Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad? [Chandler Bing] No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form. [Monica Geller] Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok. [Chandler Bing] Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger. [Monica Geller] Okay... [Chandler Bing] I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that. [Rachel Green] Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder. [Monica Geller] I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger? [Rachel Green] I don't know! I mean, what brought that on? [Monica Geller] Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going to change. [Rachel Green] No you really think that's what it is? [Monica Geller] You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler. [Rachel Green] Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. God! It's just such a magical time! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi. [Ross Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage. [Ross Geller] Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home! [Phoebe Buffay] No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it. [Ross Geller] Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Mike doesn't ever wanna get married. [Ross Geller] Never? [Phoebe Buffay] Never. [Ross Geller] wow, are you still going to move in with him? [Phoebe Buffay] I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything. That marriage stinks! [Ross Geller] Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married. [Phoebe Buffay] That's not how you really feel is it? [Ross Geller] No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage. [Phoebe Buffay] Seriously? You divorce-o? [Ross Geller] If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and once afterward. I'm sorry. [Phoebe Buffay] It's ok that's how you feel. [Ross Geller] But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike. [Phoebe Buffay] I do love Mike. [Ross Geller] Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big deal! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks. [Ross Geller] The Divorcer, to the rescue! [Phoebe Buffay] It's not cooler. [Ross Geller] Yeah I just hurt it. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Rach?! Rachel!!!!? So I can't do anything I like???? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing. [Monica Geller] Honey? [Chandler Bing] Yeah? [Monica Geller] About that? Erm...I'm going to change. [Chandler Bing] But honey you don't have to. [Monica Geller] I'm going to get bigger! [Chandler Bing] Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are! [Rachel Green] Argh. fascist. [Monica Geller] Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts. My ass is going to get bigger too. [Chandler Bing] your ass?!?!? [Rachel Green] Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too! [Chandler Bing] They...do that? [Monica Geller] It's kind of a package deal! [Chandler Bing] God why why would you want to do that to yourself!? [Monica Geller] I thought I was something that we both wanted! [Chandler Bing] Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet? [Rachel Green] Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!? [Chandler Bing] What? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job? [Joey Tribbiani] Because she is! [Monica Geller] Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money. [Joey Tribbiani] Mmmm hmm! For your boob job! [Chandler Bing] It's over/Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger? --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force". [Phoebe Buffay] Better. [Mike Hannigan] Very cool. [Ross Geller] Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you. [Ross Geller] Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right path for you. [Phoebe Buffay] What do you mean? [Ross Geller] Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo? [Phoebe Buffay] They are awfully boxy... [Ross Geller] I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh huh. [Ross Geller] Hey hey, can I help? [Chandler Bing] Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky. [Ross Geller] You know sometimes your words... they hurt. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey uh, where do you guys want this? [Rachel Green] Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold this, but for these guys. [Phoebe Buffay] Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all? [Mike Hannigan] No but... You don't want to get married either right? [Phoebe Buffay] Right. Except that I do want to get married. [Joey Tribbiani] Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh? [Mike Hannigan] You wanna get married? [Phoebe Buffay] Someday. [Chandler Bing] Aaaaand....... hernia. [Phoebe Buffay] I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's my turn some of the regular stuff. [Mike Hannigan] But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before? [Phoebe Buffay] Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you. [Mike Hannigan] I want to live with you too! Let's do that! [Phoebe Buffay] But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen. [Mike Hannigan] Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage. [Phoebe Buffay] Are you gonna change yours? [Mike Hannigan] No. [Phoebe Buffay] Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want. [Mike Hannigan] But I don't want this to end. [Phoebe Buffay] I don't want it to end either. [Mike Hannigan] I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Mike Hannigan] Ok... so... Goodbye. [Chandler Bing] Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now! [Rachel Green] I'm so sorry Pheebs. [Monica Geller] We're all sorry... [Chandler Bing] Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love you. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... Better take all I can carry. Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e16", "title": "The One With The Boob Job"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Memorial Service [Chandler Bing] Hey! Ready to go? [Ross Geller] Oh yeah, let me just finish this. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Ross, check this out! yeah, I can't do that! [Chandler Bing] What are you doin'? [Ross Geller] Have you seen this? It's a new alumni website for college! It's cool! You can post messages for people, let everyone know what you're up to. [Chandler Bing] Great, a faster way to tell people that I'm unemployed and childless . [Ross Geller] It's actually kinda interesting to find out what people are doing... remember Andrea Rich? [Chandler Bing] The tall girl who wouldn't sleep with you? [Ross Geller] Uh uh... well, her Internet Company went under and she lost an ear in a boating accident... [Chandler Bing] Bet she'd sleep with you now... [Ross Geller] No... I already e-mailed her. [Chandler Bing] Let me see what you wrote about yourself: "Doctor Paleontology, two kids... " You split with Carol because you have different interests?... I think you split with Carol because you've one very similar interest! [Ross Geller] You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, ok? Let me just grab my coat. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] What do you think you learnt how to do in the last two minutes?? [Chandler Bing] Maybe we finish this for him! "Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She's now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says. It's the best sex I've ever had"... aaand SEND! [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him! [Ross Geller] Alright, let's go! [Joey Tribbiani] Dude! [Ross Geller] I think you made it clear you cannot be trusted with the ball inside the house! [Joey Tribbiani] aaand SEND! Opening credits. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hey! How was basketball? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye! [Rachel Green] Oh, no! Who did that? [Joey Tribbiani] Chandler... hey... Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with Emma? [Rachel Green] She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I know that! [Rachel Green] Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him! [Joey Tribbiani] Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount... [Rachel Green] All right... Oh, Emma loves him! [Joey Tribbiani] Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi. [Monica Geller] Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better? [Phoebe Buffay] Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike! [Chandler Bing] Oh, I'm so sorry! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this... [Chandler Bing] You're not gonna need my help? [Phoebe Buffay] Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you. [Chandler Bing] Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that. [Monica Geller] Ok, you got it! [Phoebe Buffay] Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said. [Monica Geller] Really? If that's what you want... [Phoebe Buffay] That was a test and you just failed. [Monica Geller] Damn it! Rookie mistake! [Ross Geller] I have sex with dinosaurs?? [Chandler Bing] I believe I read that somewhere! [Ross Geller] That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long... It's not funny!! [Chandler Bing] I respectfully disagree. [Ross Geller] I can't believe you put that on my alumni page! [Chandler Bing] Who cares? Nobody reads those things. [Ross Geller] You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today. [Chandler Bing] I don't have a page. [Ross Geller] Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. [Rachel Green] : Step away from the crib, I have a weapon! [Joey Tribbiani] It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy. [Rachel Green] What are you doing? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy. [Rachel Green] Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom. [Joey Tribbiani] There you go sweetie... This isn't over. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... "gay as the day is long"? [Chandler Bing] Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs. [Monica Geller] But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. [Chandler Bing] Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day. [Monica Geller] Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge. [Chandler Bing] Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this will show him, here we go . [Monica Geller] What are you doing? [Chandler Bing] Oh, you'll see my friend. [Ross Geller] I'm dead? [Chandler Bing] And so young. [Ross Geller] Posting that I died? That really isn't funny. [Chandler Bing] Well, how you died was funny. [Ross Geller] Oh please, hit by a blimp? [Chandler Bing] It kills over one americans every year. [Ross Geller] Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls. You're messing with people's feelings here. [Chandler Bing] You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West! [Ross Geller] You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] God, I wish Mike were here. [Monica Geller] Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing? [Monica Geller] What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon! [Phoebe Buffay] I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that. [Monica Geller] Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver, or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. Give me your phone. [Phoebe Buffay] Here. [Monica Geller] And now your cell. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Monica Geller] This is your cellphone? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes. [Monica Geller] This is your current cellphone? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time. [Monica Geller] Phoebe, where's your purse? [Monica Geller] No, no! Give it to me! [Phoebe Buffay] You can't have it. [Monica Geller] Give it to me! [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Monica Geller] I'll go in there. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah. [Monica Geller] Phoebe come here. [Monica Geller] Haha! [Phoebe Buffay] Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend. [Rachel Green] Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy! [Rachel Green] Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back. [Rachel Green] Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her everywhere, I would braid her tail... [Joey Tribbiani] Make the transfer! [Rachel Green] Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago. [Rachel Green] Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy. [Joey Tribbiani] But he's the same. [Rachel Green] Yeah, I think she wants the old one back. [Joey Tribbiani] But he's the same. [Rachel Green] Joey, come on! [Joey Tribbiani] He's the same! . [Joey Tribbiani] You're not the same! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Haha! [Phoebe Buffay] You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that after I've buzzed you into the building. [Monica Geller] So Phoebe, why are there men's shoes by the door. [Phoebe Buffay] Those are my shoes. [Monica Geller] Oh, when you get over this breakup we need to go shopping. [Phoebe Buffay] Monica, I really appreciate you checking in on me, but I'm actually feeling a lot better. Yeah, I just kinda want to be alone right now. [Monica Geller] Who's that? [Phoebe Buffay] I ordered Chinese food. [Phoebe Buffay] What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!? [Monica Geller] What are you doing here? [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe called me. [Monica Geller] Phoebe! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I broke down... I wanted to see him. [Monica Geller] Damnit Phoebe! How did you even call him? [Phoebe Buffay] There is a speakerphone on the base unit... [Monica Geller] Base Unit! Think Monica! Think! [Mike Hannigan] Look, if I wanna see Phoebe and she wants to see... [Monica Geller] This doesn't concern you!! [Mike Hannigan] Oh! Sorry, I guess I was thrown off by the mention of my name! [Monica Geller] Look, guys, you can't do this, it's just going to make getting over each other, that much harder. [Phoebe Buffay] Not if nothing happens. Why can't... why can't we just hang out as friends? [Monica Geller] Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend and Mike's friend . [Phoebe Buffay] Sit down. [Monica Geller] Oh wow wow wow!! Make room for your friend! [Mike Hannigan] So how've you been? [Monica Geller] I've been pretty good! [Mike Hannigan] You look really beautiful. [Phoebe Buffay] Thanks, you look good too. [Monica Geller] Oh no no no no... this is dangerous territory. Keep it clean! [Phoebe Buffay] So how's the piano playing going? [Mike Hannigan] Actually I've been playing a lot of love songs lately. I've missed you. [Phoebe Buffay] I've missed you too. [Monica Geller] You know, on the way over here, I saw this drunk guy throw up. And then a pigeon ate it! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey, Ross, I just wanted to apologize... ..don't tell me you actually made those gay pictures of me? [Ross Geller] uhu uhu, check this out. [Chandler Bing] Huh! So that's what I would look like if I worked out... and was being serviced by a policeman. You're not actually going to send these out are ya? [Ross Geller] Eh..actually no, I don't need to because your little "Ross is dead" joke didn't work, ok, there were no responses. Nobody posted anything on the website, nobody called my parents, so the joke my friend is on you. Nobody called, nobody wrote anything, nobody cares that I'm dead. Oh my God! Nobody cares that I'm dead!? [Chandler Bing] No, come on, you know that's not true. [Ross Geller] What are you talking about? You get sixty responses just for coming out of the closet! I didn't get one response! And I'm dead! [Chandler Bing] Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal than the dead community. [Ross Geller] I can't believe this. Not even my geology lab partner? And I carried that guy! [Chandler Bing] Alright look, let's think about this, ok, do you really think that people are gonna stir up your family at this tragic time? That people are gonna post condolences on a website? This is not about people not caring that you're dead .This is about people not having a decent outlet for their grief. [Ross Geller] You're right. There isn't a decent outlet. [Chandler Bing] Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure that if you had a funeral or a memorial service, tons of people would come. [Ross Geller] Exactly!! [Chandler Bing] Ross, what're you... what're you... what are you doing? You're having a memorial service for yourself!? [Ross Geller] No! That would be stupid! You're having it for me! [Chandler Bing] Ross, don't press send, don't press se... ! [Ross Geller] oh, too late, too late! It's sent... oops sorry and so is the picture of you and the police man... --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap, have you seen Hugsy? [Joey Tribbiani] Original or crappy? [Rachel Green] Original. [Joey Tribbiani] No, sorry haven't seen him. [Rachel Green] Then what's that big lump under your covers? [Joey Tribbiani] It's Monica, ok? [Rachel Green] That's not Monica! [Joey Tribbiani] Alright!! Fine! It's original Hugsy! No, now I know that Emma wants him but he's mine and I need him.. [Rachel Green] Oh God. [Joey Tribbiani] ... she's being unreasonable! [Rachel Green] Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much Oh don't cover its ears! It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] It does? [Rachel Green] Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? She... she loves me? [Rachel Green] Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever . [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him. [Rachel Green] Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. Look Emma, look who's baaack! [Joey Tribbiani] Look forget it forget it... I can't do it. [Rachel Green] Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child? [Joey Tribbiani] How do you think I got him in the first place? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it. [Mike Hannigan] I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things, but just to be with you one more night. [Phoebe Buffay] I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard? [Mike Hannigan] It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would have been the last time... I never would have stopped. [Monica Geller] Kiss him, you fool!! [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Monica Geller] Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I missed you so much! [Strange Man] I knew you'd be here! [Mike Hannigan] Oh, crap! [Phoebe Buffay] Who is this? [Mike Hannigan] My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you. [Monica Geller] Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe! [Manny] Well, you are not doing a very good job! [Monica Geller] Excuse me? [Manny] What's with the kissing? [Monica Geller] Hey, at least I knew where my guy was. [Manny] Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing! [Monica Geller] You didn't hear the speech! [Manny] I've heard the speech: "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... " [Monica Geller] Hey, it was very moving! You're just heartless! [Manny] You're weak! [Monica Geller] You're... weird! [Manny] Your pants are undone! [Monica Geller] Oh ! [Manny] Where did they go? [Monica Geller] Damn it! [Manny] Oh we blew it. I blame myself. [Monica Geller] And I blame you too. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] It's been an hour and not one of my classmates has shown up! I tell you, when I actually die some people are gonna get seriously haunted! [Chandler Bing] There you go! Someone came! [Ross Geller] Ok, ok! I'm gonna go hide! Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner! [Monica Geller] Hi, glad you could come. [Chandler Bing] Please, come in. [Tom] Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right? I'm Tom Gordon, I was in your class. [Chandler Bing] Oh yes, yes... let me... take your coat. [Tom] Thanks... uh... I'm so sorry about Ross, it's... [Chandler Bing] At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps. [Ross Geller] Who is he? [Chandler Bing] Some guy, Tom Gordon. [Ross Geller] I don't remember him, but then again I touched so many lives. [Monica Geller] So, did you know Ross well? [Tom] Oh, actually I barely knew him. Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news. D'you know if he's seeing anyone? [Monica Geller] Yes, he is. Me. [Tom] What? You... You... Oh! Can I ask you a personal question? Ho-how do you shave your beard so close? [Chandler Bing] Ok Tommy, that's enough mourning for you! Here we go, bye bye!! [Tom] Hey, listen. Call me. [Chandler Bing] Ok! [Ross Geller] I'm dead and no one cares? [Monica Geller] I look like a man?? [Chandler Bing] Please, one ridiculous problem at a time! [Ross Geller] It isn't ridiculous, look around! No one's here! [Chandler Bing] You gave them one day's notice, not everyone in our class checks the web site everyday and Monica... it's probably the way you stand! [Ross Geller] Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact on anyone? [Chandler Bing] Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that count for something? [Ross Geller] Yeah... Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler! [Chandler Bing] I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. [Kori] Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service. [Chandler Bing] Kori? Kori Weston? [Kori] Yeah... [Chandler Bing] Wow! You look amazing! [Kori] And you are... [Chandler Bing] Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all. [Monica Geller] You are married though. [Chandler Bing] Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! [Kori] I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad. [Chandler Bing] I didn't know Ross and you were so close. [Kori] We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I always remembered him. [Chandler Bing] I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and listening intently. [Kori] I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance. [Ross Geller] But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this room were filled with people! [Kori] You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! [Ross Geller] Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] No Mum, I'm not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. Monica?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e17", "title": "The One With The Memorial Service"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Lottery [Joey Tribbiani] Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche? [Monica Geller] Ok. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright! [Monica Geller] But ehm...what is it not? [Joey Tribbiani] A place to entertain my lady friends. [Monica Geller] And what else is it not? [Joey Tribbiani] A place to eat spaghetti. [Monica Geller] Very good! What do you need it for anyway? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so... [Rachel Green] Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia. [Monica Geller] Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself! [Joey Tribbiani] Uh! [Monica Geller] Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey will you get me tickets too? [Rachel Green] Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it! Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea! [Ross Geller] No thanks! [Phoebe Buffay] You don't wanna win the lottery? [Ross Geller] Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. [Chandler Bing] Still on Amelia Earhart? [Ross Geller] The woman just vanished! [Joey Tribbiani] Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this? [Ross Geller] No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times. [Chandler Bing] Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times. [Joey Tribbiani] I like those odds! [Ross Geller] Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of boohaki. [Chandler Bing] I'll ask. Boohaki? [Ross Geller] Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her. [Rachel Green] Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker. [Monica Geller] How do you know she's gonna start talking? [Rachel Green] Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying. [Chandler Bing] Kinda like Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] What's that now? Opening credits. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade. [Chandler Bing] Pie eating contest? [Monica Geller] Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something? [Chandler Bing] No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries. [Monica Geller] That was a good day! [Ross Geller] They're towing your car, they're towing your car!! [Monica Geller] I'm parked in a garage on Morton! [Ross Geller] They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! Where's Emma? Who has Emma!? [Rachel Green] Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there! [Joey Tribbiani] I was? [Racel] Yes and you talked to her... [Joey Tribbiani] I did? [Rachel Green] She dropped off a casserole? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh yeah! The casserole lady. [Monica Geller] So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks? [Ross Geller] Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it! [Chandler Bing] Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! [Ross Geller] Think he washed his hands? [Chandler Bing] Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know? [Rachel Green] What's going on? [Monica Geller] Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh! Tough odds! [Ross Geller] Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery! [Joey Tribbiani] Look who's coming around! [Chandler Bing] Damnit. Alright call me when you know more. [Joey Tribbiani] Did you get it? [Chandler Bing] One of the slots got filled. [Joey Tribbiani] By you!? [Chandler Bing] Sense the tone! No that kid Nate got it. [Monica Geller] Oh! I hate that guy! I mean come on kid! Pull up your pants! [Chandler Bing] Yeah I know. [Rachel Green] Well, there's two spots left right? [Chandler Bing] Yeah...I mean I want this so much! I mean, I wanna get one, I want my friend Charlie to get one...Except I don't care about Charlie. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey you guys! Ok, you're not going to believe this! I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight! [Monica Geller] Hey that reminds me, I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work. [Ross Geller] A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance! [Monica Geller] Alright, who wants to do it? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone. It's really not fair either! You know, just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses! [Monica Geller] Ok, hey Rach? [Rachel Green] Oh no, I'm good, I don't wanna get that turkey smell all over my hands. [Joey Tribbiani] I'll do it!! It'll get the casserole stink off of mine. [Phoebe Buffay] I hope I win! [Monica Geller] Well, it doesn't really matter ... you're both wishing for the same thing, right? [Joey Tribbiani] I can't tell you what I'm wishing for! Else...you know...won't come true! [Monica Geller] Right! .. but we "know" what you're wishing for! [Joey Tribbiani] Can't really say! [Monica Geller] I understand, but you're wishing for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm not really comfortable with these questions! [Chandler Bing] Please, just do it! [Phoebe Buffay] One, two, three! [Joey Tribbiani] I won, hey! [Ross Geller] You know what, I'm sure your wish is gonna come true, but, you guys - just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp! Ah!! That thing gets hot!! [Rachel Green] You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes. How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? [Ross Geller] Uh, you're not gonna win. [Rachel Green] Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like "oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai" [Ross Geller] Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that. [Chandler Bing] I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm". [Ross Geller] Why would I eat my own arm? [Chandler Bing] Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want. [Monica Geller] You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you. [Ross Geller] Why? [Monica Geller] Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this. [Ross Geller] You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so sweet! Come here. [Phoebe Buffay] Get a room! [Chandler Bing] Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win? [Ross Geller] I don't know, probably just invest it. [Chandler Bing] Ooh! Calm down ... [Joey Tribbiani] Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it? [Ross Geller] Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks! [Rachel Green] I don't really care about the Knicks. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward. [Rachel Green] You would do that? I never get picked! [Chandler Bing] You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go. [Joey Tribbiani] You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me! [Chandler Bing] You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds. [Ross Geller] Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy? [Chandler Bing] I'll take this one too Uh ... Mommy? [Ross Geller] Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ... [Rachel Green] I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word. [Ross Geller] Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too. [Phoebe Buffay] Oooh, I like that, "daddy" [Ross Geller] I ... I was just talking about Rachel. [Phoebe Buffay] Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me? [Ross Geller] Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. no I can't. [Chandler Bing] Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept with him!! .. Alright, bye. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right? [Chandler Bing] Well no, Charlie's gonna get that. [Monica Geller] Hey, don't say that! You got just as good a chance as anybody else of getting that job! [Chandler Bing] He's the boss's son. [Monica Geller] Come on, lottery!! [Rachel Green] Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes. [Monica Geller] Ok, here we go. We need to sort out the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we've won. So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? Ok, how about this: we divide them into 6 groups of 40, and the remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes their pile first. [Rachel Green] Ooh, I have another idea! [Monica Geller] I'm sorry, idea time is over. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl? [Monica Geller] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] What about the ones you have on the nightstand? [Monica Geller] There are no tickets on the nightstand! [Chandler Bing] Yes there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago. [Monica Geller] Un, no you didn't! You must be mistaken! [Chandler Bing] Honey, there are like 20 tickets on the nightstand! [Monica Geller] Chandler, sense the tone!! [Rachel Green] Well, well, well, look what mommy found!! [Monica Geller] Ok, fine!! I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh! The psychic also said that I would be betrayed. [Ross Geller] I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together! [Monica Geller] Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago! [Ross Geller] 3 minutes ago!!! I don't know why that's important ... [Joey Tribbiani] I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut, when did you even get those? [Monica Geller] When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic! [Joey Tribbiani] I'll show you how. [Rachel Green] Ok, well Monica, suppose one of your "special" tickets win? How are you gonna feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends? [Monica Geller] Please ... if I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini-muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for 3 days! [Rachel Green] Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? [Chandler Bing] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us ... [Monica Geller] Ahhh! [Chandler Bing] Let me finish ... however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! [Monica Geller] There's the man I married!! [Rachel Green] All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us! [Monica Geller] Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just like you! [Rachel Green] OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets ! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I want my tickets too ! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah! [Ross Geller] Than I want mine, too ! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together. [Monica Geller] No, no! We should divide them up and I should get extra because we used my card to buy them! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery! [Rachel Green] Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] OOOOOHHHHH! [Ross Geller] Hey, hey!! [Phoebe Buffay] OOOOOHHHHH! Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! [Rachel Green] Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no! [Phoebe Buffay] If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! . [#ALL#] NO!! [Phoebe Buffay] Don't come any closer! [Chandler Bing] Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished... [Phoebe Buffay] No, what's more important, your friends or money? [Chandler Bing] Friends! [Monica Geller] Money! Friends... [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets? [Monica Geller] They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra ... [Ross Geller] Monica! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, good! You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this... Oh God, no! I think I broke your bowl. [Ross Geller] Go, go, go!! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun. [Monica Geller] Phoebe, we lost half of them. [Phoebe Buffay] So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember? [Ross Geller] Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon... [Phoebe Buffay] As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. So, excuse me for being a little skittish. [Chandler Bing] Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work! [Monica Geller] Oh, play them! [Chandler Bing] Ok, here we go! [Message] "Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise" "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo." [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do. [Second Message] "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie" [Chandler Bing] This is..shhh! [Second Message] "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me a call if you want." [Monica Geller] Oh God, I am so sorry honey... [#ALL#] Oh, so sorry man! Sorry! [Rachel Green] Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work. [Chandler Bing] Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren? [Rachel Green] No, she was just much better at job than me! [Phoebe Buffay] Guys, the drawing is about to start! [Rachel Green] You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down. [Ross Geller] Oh yeah, it's a good idea! [Monica Geller] Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right? [Monica Geller] 131! [Ross Geller] Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl... Phoebe's totally ruined that for me... [Rachel Green] Hi mum, put her back on! [Joey Tribbiani] Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing. TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53" [Chandler Bing] I got that! [Ross Geller] Oh, we have one too!! [Monica Geller] We are on a roll, people!! [Ross Geller] Come on!! [Rachel Green] Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter? TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7" [Monica Geller] Check your numbers! Make me rich! [Rachel Green] Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!! [#ALL#] Wow! [Joey Tribbiani] And what did she say? [Rachel Green] She said "gleba"!! [Monica Geller] Make me rich!! [Rachel Green] Isn't that amazing? [Ross Geller] Oh yeah, no no no...that's great! [Rachel Green] Why-why aren't you more excited? [Ross Geller] Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word. [Rachel Green] Oh, but of course it is! [Ross Geller] Okay, what does it mean? [Rachel Green] I don't know all the words. [Ross Geller] I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words . [Ross Geller] Yes you did, gleba is a word! [Ross Geller] Ok, use it in a sentence. [Rachel Green] Ok... "Emma just said gleba"! [Ross Geller] It's not a word! [Rachel Green] Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up . [Ross Geller] Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't you look up: pbbqqt.... [Rachel Green] Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba... Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi. [Ross Geller] She's gonna be a scientist! [Joey Tribbiani] Damnit! anybody got anything? [Chandler Bing] No. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm still looking through mine... [Monica Geller] Just double checking ...no, no, no... No! [Monica Geller] Hello? Hold on. It's your boss. [Chandler Bing] Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. Hey, Steve. [Steve] Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience, you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant. [Chandler Bing] Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks! [Steve] Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter. [Chandler Bing] Me, that guy who just said butt cracks? [Steve] Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job. [Chandler Bing] Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow . [Chandler Bing] What? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter. [#ALL#] Oh my God, congratulations! [Monica Geller] Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you! [Chandler Bing] Does that mean I get the good loving tonight? [Monica Geller] You bet! No TV or anything! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, that is so great about the job. [Chandler Bing] Thanks, man. [Joey Tribbiani] And I like to think I had a little something to do with it. [Chandler Bing] Really? What? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah? Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart right out. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh yeah. [Rachel Green] You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win. [Ross Geller] Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park. [Phoebe Buffay] You guys, what was the Powerball number again? [Monica Geller] Seven. [Phoebe Buffay] We won. [Rachel Green] What? [Phoebe Buffay] We won! [Monica Geller] Let me see! [Phoebe Buffay] Don't tear it. [Ross Geller] Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers. [Phoebe Buffay] I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars! [Chandler Bing] Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout. [Phoebe Buffay] I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this! [Rachel Green] So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3? [Phoebe Buffay] It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents. [Monica Geller] You know what? You can have mine. [Chandler Bing] Me too. [Joey Tribbiani] Me too. [Rachel Green] Me too. [Ross Geller] I guess if everybody else is... Closing credits. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won. [Phoebe Buffay] I beg to differ . [Gunther] Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right outside, and won $10,000 . [Phoebe Buffay] Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! Seriously, stop staring at her.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e18", "title": "The One With The Lottery"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Rachel's Dream [Joey Tribbiani] God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do. Joey: I want you.I need you.Let me make love to you. [Rachel Green] I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, ehm...I'm...I'm rehearsing my lines.They gave me a big romantic story on Days Of Our Lives. It's the first time my character's got one. I'm so nervous, you know, I really want it to be good! [Rachel Green] Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, that was a disappointment... Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok? [Rachel Green] Are you serious? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah!Hey, you just have to promise not to get yourself thrown out again. [Rachel Green] Hey, that was an honest mistake! [Joey Tribbiani] Right!"Oh my God, is this the men's room? Oh, I feel so foolish, have you always known you wanted to be an actor?" [Rachel Green] Yeah, that was an awesome day! Opening credits. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hi! [Monica Geller] So, do you guys wanna come and eat dinner at the restaurant sometime in the next few weeks? [Phoebe Buffay] Sure! [Ross Geller] I'd love to! [Monica Geller] Well you can't! We're booked solid for the next month! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I can't give you a massage, because my licence has been revoked again! [Ross Geller] Phoebe, what happened? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips! Chandler: Have I got a surprise for you? Pack your bags! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no!You guys aren't supposed to get divorced for 7 years! [Chandler Bing] What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont ! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic! [Chandler Bing] So, what do you say? Can you get out of work? [Monica Geller] Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant! [Chandler Bing] Are you really that busy? [Monica Geller] Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am. [Chandler Bing] Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I need to change it Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? Oh, can't you make an exception?" [Monica Geller] Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant! [Phoebe Buffay] And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing! [Chandler Bing] "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" "Oh, thank you very much!" Yeah, I'm going to Vermont... [Ross Geller] Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance. [Chandler Bing] I don't have travel insurance. [Ross Geller] Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge! [Monica Geller] Why don't you take Ross? [Ross Geller] Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... [Monica Geller] No, not if their room has two beds! [Ross Geller] I guess...It still seems a little... moonlight boat ride!! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity? [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my scenes! [Rachel Green] Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian Sanders?He's so gorgeous! [Joey Tribbiani] Also so gay! [Rachel Green] Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff! [Director] Joey, Joey! We're ready for you! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, wish me luck! [Rachel Green] Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right? [Joey Tribbiani] Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this! [Rachel Green] Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! [Director] On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION! Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here? [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life. [Olivia] Get out! [Dr. Drake Ramoray] You don't love him! [Olivia] What do you know about love? [Dr. Drake Ramoray] I know what I felt that night when we kissed under the bridge. [Olivia] That kiss never happened. [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Oh, what about this one. Rachel: OH! [Olivia] No, I told you...get out! [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Fine. I'll go. But let me ask you one question... [Chase Lassiter] You look familiar, have we... [Rachel Green] SSSHHHHTTT!!He's asking her a question!! [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been? [Olivia] I don't have a choice... [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Yes, you do.Yes...you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I...because I can't stop loving you. [Olivia] Don't say that... [Dr. Drake Ramoray] Tell me to stop, just...tell me to stop. [Director] CUT! [Rachel Green] NO! Or, cut!You know, that's your call! --------------------------------------- [1st Customer] Everything was delicious! [Monica Geller] Thank you! 2nd Customer: It was. The duck in particular was superb. [Monica Geller] Thank you! You haven't said anything... 3rd Customer: Actually I do have one small complaint. [Monica Geller] Oh..please!I-I welcome criticism. 3rd Customer: The musician right outside the restaurant...it's kind of a mood-killer! [Monica Geller] What musician? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Ole! [Monica Geller] What are you doing here! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, you said that you had customers lined up in the street, so I am here to entertain! [Monica Geller] Great! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! It really has been great too, you know, some of this people must have seen me play before because they were requesting a bunch of my songs! Yeah, "You suck" and "shut up and go home". [Monica Geller] Listen Phoebe... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Monica Geller] You know how much I love listening to your music, you know, but... [Phoebe Buffay] But what? [Monica Geller] This is kind of a classy place. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, say no more. [Phoebe Buffay] : It wasn't just that she was fat, the woman smelled like garbage! Everyone! It wasn't just that she was fat the woman smelled like garbaaaaaage! Classy, uh? [Chandler Bing] Hi, Chandler Bing, I have a reservation. [Receptionist] Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from? [Chandler Bing] New York. [Ross Geller] The big apple! [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up, we had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here. [Ross Geller] Yeah, I ate all my gifts for everybody. [Receptionist] I am sorry Mr. Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer. [Chandler Bing] Well, that's impossible, can you check again, please? [Ross Geller] Check again please! [Receptionist] I'm sorry, it's not here. [Ross Geller] Not there. [Chandler Bing] Let me get this straight. I called yesterday trying to cancel my reservation and I was told it was not refundable, then we drove six hours all the way up here and now you tell me that we don't have a reservation? [Receptionist] I don't know what to say. [Ross Geller] She doesn't know what to say! [Chandler Bing] Just give us the cheapest room you have. [Receptionist] Unfortunatly the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite, the rate is six hundred dollars. [Chandler Bing] That's insane! [Ross Geller] Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves. [Chandler Bing] Does that room have a closet I can lock him in? We'll take it. [Receptionist] Great. [Chandler Bing] What!? They are totally ripping us off! [Ross Geller] Dude, don't worry 'bout it! I know how we can make your money back! This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities, we just load up on those! Like those apples. Instead of taking one, I'm... I take six! [Chandler Bing] Great, at a hundred dollars an apple, we're there! [Ross Geller] C'mon, you get the idea, ow-ow-ow we'll make our money back in no time! [Chandler Bing] Dude, you're shaking! [Ross Geller] I think it's the sugar, could you hold the apple? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Joey, I gotta tell ya, I've been thinking all day about that scene you did, I mean, you were amazing! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me! [Rachel Green] God, you have to tell me what happens tomorrow! [Joey Tribbiani] Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me? [Rachel Green] Me? Oh, no, I am not an actress. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, all right, I can ask Monica. [Rachel Green] Oh screw her, that part is mine! [Joey Tribbiani] Right... ok, so just from the top of the page, right here. [Rachel Green] Okay. . Hello Drake, I'm surprised to see you here. [Dr. Drake Ramoray] I can't believe you married him. [Rachel Green] But what choice did I have. He was keeping my sister in a dungeon! [Dr. Drake Ramoray] So what about us? Everything we feel for each other. [Rachel Green] It's over! You have to accept that. [Dr. Drake Ramoray] How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now. [Rachel Green] Kiss me. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Rachel Green] Kiss me. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, Rach, it doesn't say that! [Rachel Green] No, I'm saying... [Joey Tribbiani] but, but.. [Rachel Green] just... don't talk... --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Ehhh, aw! . Well, that's new! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206. It seems you forgot a couple of things. Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room? Thank you! Ok. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash, deodorant, dental floss, band aids, shaving cream, after shave... and I feel like I am forgetting something... Is there anything else you have that I haven't asked for already? Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons. Ross: What did you get? [Chandler Bing] USA Today. [Ross Geller] Nice, put it with the others. [Chandler Bing] And I also got... two more apples. [Ross Geller] We are four short of a bush-o . God I feel so alive, I love being in the country! [Chandler Bing] I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant. [Ross Geller] Oh, that's not cool. [Chandlers] Dude, none of this is cool. [Ross Geller] No, Chandler, you have to find the line between stealing and taking what the hotel owes you. For example: hair drier, no, no, no, but shampoo and conditioners, yes, yes, yes. Now, the salt shaker is off-limits, but the salt I wish I'd thought this through. [Chandler Bing] I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs ...oh, you already got that. [Ross Geller] Not my first time in a hotel, my friend. [Chandler Bing] Ok, how about this ? [Ross Geller] No, no, no, you can't take the remote control! [Chandler Bing] Yes, but the batteries... Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much! [Ross Geller] Let's celebrate with some maple candy! [Chandler Bing] No! [Ross Geller] At least tell me where you hid it. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Can I ask you a question? [Monica Geller] Yeah. [Rachel Green] Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams? [Monica Geller] Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head. [Rachel Green] Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey. [Monica Geller] Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him? [Rachel Green] Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense. [Monica Geller] What do you think brought than on? [Rachel Green] I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday. [Monica Geller] A love scene? With who? [Rachel Green] Olivia. [Monica Geller] Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! Oh right, real life more important. [Rachel Green] So do you think that my dream means anything? [Monica Geller] I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a thing for Drake. [Rachel Green] Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream... [Monica Geller] Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in college. [Rachel Green] You took the same class twice. [Monica Geller] It was hard! Phoebe: Hey! [Monica Geller] Hi. [Phoebe Buffay] Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant uh, huh wait! Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man. [Monica Geller] Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an upscale place. [Phoebe Buffay] Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault. [Monica Geller] Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back . Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work... [Phoebe Buffay] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant? [Rachel Green] Ok, we're still on that. [Monica Geller] I didn't say your songs were not good enough. [Phoebe Buffay] Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food? [Monica Geller] Tiny portions? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but I can't see it, I can't see it"! [Monica Geller] Phoebe, it's not about quantity. [Phoebe Buffay] Well...it's not about quality. [Monica Geller] Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in. [Phoebe Buffay] Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica. [Monica Geller] Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing ear plugs. [Phoebe Buffay] Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic? [Monica Geller] You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy. [Phoebe Buffay] What are people having, the garlic Martini? --------------------------------------- [Receptionist] Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay. [Chandler Bing] Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps. Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax. [Ross Geller] Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game. Ross: Oh my god. [Chandler Bing] What? [Ross Geller] There's something new in the bowl. [Chandler Bing] Look, we have enough, just walk away. [Ross Geller] No, but I want...I want the pinecones! [Chandler Bing] There's a forest right outside. [Ross Geller] It's not the same. [Chandler Bing] Ok, go quick! Ross: Thank you for a delightful stay. Ross: Oh, my maple candy! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you.. Monica: Thank god, it's just you! I thought someone was swinging a bag of cats against the wall. [Phoebe Buffay] You'd better get back in that kitchen Monica, the garlic is not gonna overuse itself. [Monica Geller] Ok, you have to stop playing now. [Phoebe Buffay] Why? The only person my playing is bothering is you! [Monica Geller] Oh yeah? Ok, let's settle this, come on! [Phoebe Buffay] Get your garlic-peelers off me! [Monica Geller] Excuse me, excuse me, hi, I'm Monica Geller..I'm the head chef here.. .. Ok, I was actually expecting a little applause there, but whatever! Ok, quick question: by a show of hands, how many of you were bothered by this woman's singing outside? [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, ok, how many of you enjoyed the music outside? Ha! [Monica Geller] Alright, let me ask you this question: How many of you thought the music was fine, but not in keeping with the tone of the restaurant? . [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, well, who identified the tone of this restaurant as pretentious comma garlicky? [Monica Geller] Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, well, alright, who thinks the food is fine, the music was fine, but your evening was ruined by this incessant poll taking? . [Monica Geller] Excuse us! Alright here's a question: Who was so worried about her restaurant being fancy that she made a big deal about her friend playing her music and feels really bad about it now? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh...Who was so stupid and stubborn that she lashed out against her friend's cooking which she actually thinks is pretty great! [Monica Geller] I'm sorry... [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry too... [Monica Geller] ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! As long as it's free! Food here is ridiculously over-p... Phoebe: Who's hoping the hand raising thing is still cute enough that you won't hate me? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Joey, do you have peanut butter on the back of your head? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh man! I thought I got it all! [Rachel Green] How...how...? [Joey Tribbiani] I was making a peanut butter smoothy, right? [Rachel Green] uh-huh. [Joey Tribbiani] And I couldn't find this little plastic thing that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very! [Rachel Green] Wow...definitely just Drake... [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Rachel Green] What...how is it going with Drake? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh...I don't think it's going very well... [Rachel Green] What...that scene I saw was so good! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow... [Rachel Green] Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment? [Joey Tribbiani] A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia. [Rachel Green] So? [Joey Tribbiani] So...I've never played that! [Rachel Green] Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh...well...just once...with you... [Rachel Green] Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance? [Joey Tribbiani] What the hell are you talking about?? [Rachel Green] Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really, it was killing me. [Rachel Green] Joey, you never..you never talked about that before... [Joey Tribbiani] Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at her... you know? And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could never tell you but it was worth it just to be there looking at you. Joey: Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! Closing credits. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] I got you something from Vermont! [Monica Geller] Besides tampons and salt? Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. That's weird...it's empty! Ross: Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...? do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e19", "title": "The One With Rachel's Dream"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Soap Opera Party [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night? [Chandler Bing] Well, let me see... I-I believe I'm... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play. [Chandler Bing] I could fall asleep at a play. [Phoebe Buffay] What is it? [Joey Tribbiani] It's a one-woman play called "Why don't you like me: a bitter woman's journey through life". [Monica Geller] It sounds interesting! [Ross Geller] Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I don't think it gets bett... [Phoebe Buffay] I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want? [Joey Tribbiani] You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise! [Ross Geller] What? How come that you don't have to go! [Joey Tribbiani] I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want. [Chandler Bing] Uh, let's see, who do I hate? [Rachel Green] Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, here you go. [Rachel Green] Ooh... oooh... oh, ah... Can I ask you a question? [Monica Geller] Yeah. [Rachel Green] Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal? [Monica Geller] No, I don't think it ever works. Why? [Rachel Green] No reason. [Monica Geller] No, no, Rachel? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Monica Geller] Who do you wanna fool around with? [Rachel Green] Nobody, forget it! Rachel: Maybe. [Monica Geller] You can't! [Rachel Green] Why? Seriously I did not understand a word that you said. [Monica Geller] In the hall. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] You wanna fool around with Joey? [Rachel Green] Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time! [Monica Geller] Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around? [Rachel Green] Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet. [Monica Geller] Who, who are they? [Rachel Green] I know them from work. [Monica Geller] Both of them? [Rachel Green] No, one of them... [Monica Geller] Which one? [Rachel Green] I don't know, what were the names I just said? [Monica Geller] Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated. [Rachel Green] All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? [Monica Geller] What the hell are you cooking! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey, you guys won't believe what I have to do for work today. [Chandler Bing] Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs. [Ross Geller] There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus. [Monica Geller] What's so bad about that? [Ross Geller] It's I just know they're gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches. [Monica Geller] : Ross? [Ross Geller] These aren't suede. Charlie: Excuse me, I'm looking for someone. You don't, by any chance, know a Ross Geller? [Gunther] No. [Ross Geller] Hi, hi, I'm Ross Geller. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, hi. I'm professor Wealer. [Ross Geller] Oh, oh, that's, that's, that's nice. [Charlie Wheeler] It's a... It's good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around. [Ross Geller] Oh, no, it's no big deal, I mean, if I weren't doing this I'd just, you know, be at the gym working out. [Monica Geller] Is he gonna introduce us? [Chandler Bing] No, I think we're just blurry shapes to him now. [Charlie Wheeler] And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis. [Ross Geller] Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute. [Monica Geller] Twenty bucks says they're married within the month. [Ross Geller] We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us? [Ross Geller] I don't think so. [Charlie Wheeler] I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell? [Ross Geller] Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". An option that many of my students use. Shall we? [Charlie Wheeler] You don't think we should wait for him? [Ross Geller] You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok? [Professor Spafford] Professor Geller? [Ross Geller] Oh, damn it! --------------------------------------- [Jane] Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] What's happenin'? [Rachel Green] Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first. [Rachel Green] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... [Message] "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" [Joey Tribbiani] Stupid Jane Rogers!! [Rachel Green] You are having a party tonight?? [Joey Tribbiani] Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people. [Rachel Green] And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that? [Joey Tribbiani] I do it every year. [Rachel Green] You do that every year?? [Joey Tribbiani] I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!! [Rachel Green] Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us?? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... [Rachel Green] And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... [Rachel Green] OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory? [Joey Tribbiani] I can't believe you guys went for that one! [Rachel Green] Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties? [Joey Tribbiani] You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people! [Rachel Green] Well, then so you just invite me...! [Joey Tribbiani] Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one! [Rachel Green] Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please... [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8. [Rachel Green] OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! And it's out of my system! --------------------------------------- [Professor Spafford] And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish. [Ross Geller] So, where did you get your undergraduate degree? [Professor Spafford] And that's not all I'm allergic to. [Ross Geller] Oh, it's not over! [Professor Spafford] I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts... [Ross Geller] So basically all nuts? [Professor Spafford] Interestingly... no. [Charlie Wheeler] Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting". [Professor Spafford] If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh my God!! [Ross Geller] I've lost the will to live. [Charlie Wheeler] Let's ditch him! [Ross Geller] What? [Charlie Wheeler] Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you! [Ross Geller] Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll... [Charlie Wheeler] Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica. [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! [Ross Geller] Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species' variegation in segmented arthopods? [Charlie Wheeler] Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas... [Phoebe Buffay] Ah, ah. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse me. [Ross Geller] Ranion's theory of species variegation? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out! [Monica Geller] So, did you two have fun? [Ross Geller] Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny... [Monica Geller] And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a HOTTY!! HI! [Rachel Green] Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't get out for the play. [Ross Geller] Really? Wh-what's wrong? [Rachel Green] I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!! [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry. [Rachel Green] ... Ok, who is this? [Ross Geller] I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue. [Rachel Green] Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease! [Monica Geller] Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec? [Rachel Green] Sure! Oh... [Monica Geller] You're not sick! [Rachel Green] What? Yes, I am! [Monica Geller] Ok, then, why are you... all dressed up?? [Rachel Green] When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! [Monica Geller] You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey! [Rachel Green] Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is! [Monica Geller] Ok, what is this? [Rachel Green] Ok! Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you! [Monica Geller] WHAT? [Ross Geller] Wh-what's going on? [Monica Geller] Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof! [Rachel Green] And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!! [Charlie Wheeler] I thought you came to say you were sick. [Rachel Green] Ok professor or detective? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us? [Rachel Green] Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory! [Phoebe Buffay] And that horrible museum tour! [Ross Geller] No, I arranged that... Joey: Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun. [Phoebe Buffay] We know about your party Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] What party? [Monica Geller] The game's over! Take off your robe! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok... I mean... [#ALL#] No!! Cover it up!! [Joey Tribbiani] Nice to meet ya! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it Thanks for coming. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! Kyle Lowder! [Kyle Lowder] Hi. [Monica Geller] I love you! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something... [Monica Geller] Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself. [Phoebe Buffay] Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? [Monica Geller] Oh my God! Chandler! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Where the hell is everybody? Bitter lady: Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love". [Rachel Green] Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number. [Monica Geller] Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married! [Matthew Ashford] It was nice to meet you Rachel. [Rachel Green] Nice to meet you. [Matthew Ashford] Call me. [Rachel Green] Ok Monica: We will!! [Monica Geller] Look at you with all the guys! [Rachel Green] Yeah! [Monica Geller] I guess you have forgotten all about Joey? [Rachel Green] Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler! [Monica Geller] Please... Chandler is the love of my life... ... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! Ross: So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh? [Charlie Wheeler] Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone. [Ross Geller] Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer? [Charlie Wheeler] Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with. [Ross Geller] You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah... [Ross Geller] ... And you called him Alby!? I mean that's like... like calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby... [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man. [Ross Geller] Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10! [Charlie Wheeler] Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues... [Ross Geller] Oh! like what?! Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry... it's just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood". [Charlie Wheeler] Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him. [Ross Geller] Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize? [Charlie Wheeler] A guy who won two. [Ross Geller] Two? Wha...? Don't tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart. [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah... for three years. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won the Nobel Prize? [Charlie Wheeler] ... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy. [Ross Geller] Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him? [Charlie Wheeler] No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant. [Ross Geller] Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Ross! [Rachel Green] How is it going with Charlie? [Ross Geller] Oh Great! After I finish my wine I'm going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, What's the matter? [Ross Geller] She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth. [Rachel Green] I always loved that!! [Ross Geller] Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Worse? [Ross Geller] Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... "Can we walk"? Oh, you... you like that? [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Come on! I think this is funny! --------------------------------------- [Bitter Lady] Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh? [Chandler Bing] oh yes, God yes!! [Bitter Lady] Well, you're not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. How could he leave me?!?! [Chandler Bing] I... I don't know... you seem lovely. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. [Ross Geller] Nice to meet you. [Dirk] Hey! So what show are you on? [Ross Geller] Oh, I'm no actor, I'm a professor of palaeontology. Joey: It's a science. [Dirk] Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize. Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or... [Ross Geller] Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys. [Dirk] Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs. [Ross Geller] I'd lead with that. Monica: That's it, just sign right on the bra . [Joey Tribbiani] Monica! [Monica Geller] Don't worry Joe, I won't come next year! Joey: What have you got there? [Ross Geller] Just some boys gave me their phone numbers. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, let me see! Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty? [Rachel Green] I think I am. [Joey Tribbiani] Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug . This guy's Canadian . And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I don't feel any different. Joey: Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass... [Rachel Green] Why, why, what's wrong with these guys? [Joey Tribbiani] Nothing major, it's just that, you know, they're not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best. [Rachel Green] Joey, you're so sweet. [Joey Tribbiani] That's true. But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know who you're gonna go home with tonight. [Rachel Green] Who ? Joey: Me. [Rachel Green] What? Really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yes, 'cause we live together, that's a joke! [Rachel Green] Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! [Joey Tribbiani] Gotcha. [Rachel Green] Oh, Very funny... Joey. Chandler: So, how did you enjoy the play? [Monica Geller] Oh my god, honey, I'm so so so so so sorry. [Chandler Bing] Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater. [Monica Geller] You really liked it? [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldn't I, because as a man I've been trained not to listen! But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted. [Monica Geller] Oh really! [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period! [Monica Geller] No! [Chandler Bing] Did somebody sign your bra? [Monica Geller] So I got it when I was 13... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper? [Ross Geller] It's actually a 1,000,000$ prize. [Phoebe Buffay] Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd. [Ross Geller] Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers I've written were widely discredited. [Phoebe Buffay] You're so much more than just brains! You're sweet, and kind, and funny... [Ross Geller] And sexy. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok well give her a chance to see all of that! [Ross Geller] Yeah, you're right, thanks Pheebs, I'm gonna go find her. [Phoebe Buffay] Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch! [Ross Geller] Stop going through my stuff ! Rachel: Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] I just wanted to let you know I've changed my mind: I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna kiss Joey. [Monica Geller] No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea. [Rachel Green] Please, what about you and Chandler? [Monica Geller] That's different! I was drunk and stupid! [Rachel Green] Well hello ! [Monica Geller] What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them? [Rachel Green] I could, I could but I don't want to! I want to kiss Joey! [Monica Geller] Alright . I think it's a big mistake but it's your decision. [Rachel Green] I'm gonna do it. [Monica Geller] And I can't stop you. [Rachel Green] No. Ross: Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere? Ross: I'm smarter than him! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler. [Chandler Bing] Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you. [Monica Geller] Oh, you're so wonderful. [Bitter Woman] Why don't you like me! Chapter one: my first period. [Chandler Bing] Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death .

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e20", "title": "The One With The Soap Opera Party"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Fertility Test [Monica Geller] It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. [Ross Geller] Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? But SURPRISE! [Chandler Bing] I missed most of the party Charlie's a girl, right? [Ross Geller] Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. [Rachel Green] I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! I mean, of all the girls at the party, GOD! [Ross Geller] Why do you care so much? [Monica Geller] Yes Rachel, why do you care so much? [Rachel Green] Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! You know... and I... want him to hook up with lots of women! I just... All I'm saying is... I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. [Ross Geller] Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, Joey and a professor! Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! [Rachel Green] All right, so... Ross, you're ok with all this? I mean... [Ross Geller] Yeah, it's no big deal. I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... [Ross Geller] Oh, God. I forgot how hot she was! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [#ALL#] Hi! [Ross Geller] I'm gonna get some more coffee. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, you know what? I'll come with you! [Ross Geller] Ok. [Chandler Bing] So, a professor, uh? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! She is cool, and she's so smart! Her mind is totally acrimonious . That's not how she used it...? [Charlie Wheeler] I feel like I owe you an explanation. I don't ordinarily go around kissing guys at parties. I'm... well, I'm kind of embarrassed. I really hope you don't think less of me. [Ross Geller] Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. [Charlie Wheeler] You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... [Ross Geller] Yeah, I know the type. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close? Opening credits. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey you guys! Look what I just got. [Rachel Green] Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them? [Phoebe Buffay] I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. [Rachel Green] Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh... then I overpaid. [Monica Geller] Hey, what's this? [Rachel Green] Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. [Monica Geller] Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains. [Rachel Green] Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... [Monica Geller] Do you wanna go hunting? [Rachel Green] Well, I would like to have the option!! [Phoebe Buffay] What's up? Hey, Rachel!! [Rachel Green] Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out of business! [Monica Geller] And she wants to go hunting, too!! [Rachel Green] Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us... the hollow shells. [Rachel Green] I don't care about any of that!! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, do you care about friendship? [Rachel Green] Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend. [Rachel Green] Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it! [Phoebe Buffay] Promise? [Rachel Green] I promise. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you. [Rachel Green] But I am going hunting!! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey honey! I missed you today! [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah? [Monica Geller] Yeah. What d'you wanna do tonight? [Chandler Bing] Oh, well... Maybe we could... [Monica Geller] Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. [Chandler Bing] We really need to take those tests? [Monica Geller] Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. [Chandler Bing] But I don't wanna do it in a cup! [Monica Geller] What is the big deal? [Chandler Bing] It's weird! In a doctor's office? [Monica Geller] It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell? [Chandler Bing] I cannot believe Ross told you that! And in my defense, it was a Wendy's! [Monica Geller] Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory! [Monica Geller] OH! [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! [Joey Tribbiani] Heeey! [Charlie Wheeler] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on in, how are ya? [Charlie Wheeler] I'm good! [Joey Tribbiani] Can I offer you a drink? [Charlie Wheeler] Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... [Joey Tribbiani] Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go ohhhh! [Charlie Wheeler] So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, if you need a tour guide... [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok! [Charlie Wheeler] And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. [Joey Tribbiani] I know, yeah! [Charlie Wheeler] And first, I have to see the MET! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees. [Charlie Wheeler] No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! [Joey Tribbiani] Which one, they all suck! [Charlie Wheeler] The museum! [Joey Tribbiani] I don't think so. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi there! [Receptionist] Hello, welcome to Lavender Day Spa SPA. How may I help you? [Rachel Green] Oh, hi. I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green, and here is my gift certificate. [Receptionist] This has been torn up. [Rachel Green] And... taped back together. [Receptionist] Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. [Rachel Green] Ok. [Receptionist] Have a seat through the glass doors. [Rachel Green] through the glass doors. [Receptionist] Through the glass doors. [Rachel Green] Alright-y then. [Receptionist] Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. Do we have to talk like that then they're not around? Oh, no, no! Listen, is there someone who can fill in for me? [Receptionist] Sorry, everyone is booked! [Phoebe Buffay] But that woman can't know I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. [Receptionist] Then why you work here? [Phoebe Buffay] 'Cause it's good money! But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! [Receptionist] Well, I think this is a great place to work! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, are they listening? --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Ross! [Ross Geller] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] I need to talk to you about Charlie. [Ross Geller] Oh, do you, do you really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I'm... I'm kind of having a little problem. [Ross Geller] Look, if you don't know what the word "acrimonious" means, just don't use it! [Joey Tribbiani] No, look, you know Charlie, right? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... [Ross Geller] Get to the problem! [Joey Tribbiani] Yes. It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! Combined! I don't want her to think I'm stupid! [Ross Geller] Are you wearing two belts? [Joey Tribbiani] EH, what do you know! [Ross Geller] You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid. [Joey Tribbiani] Right, right, right, well, she wants to go to all this cultural places and I don't know how to talk about that stuff. You gotta help me out! [Ross Geller] You know, I really don't want to get involved in you guy's relationship. [Joey Tribbiani] Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. [Ross Geller] Fine. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks. [Ross Geller] Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET! [Joey Tribbiani] The Metsss! [Ross Geller] Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, that's what she meant! You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! [Ross Geller] Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. [Ross Geller] Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great little pastry shop that she'd love. [Joey Tribbiani] Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! [Ross Geller] But I'm not! . You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... [Joey Tribbiani] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok? [Ross Geller] Ok. [Joey Tribbiani] You got to tell me exactly what to do there. [Ross Geller] Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. [Joey Tribbiani] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] I have a weird feeling about this place. How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet. [Monica Geller] Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. [Nurse] Mr. Bing? Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container. [Chandler Bing] Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it. [Monica Geller] Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I guess! [Monica Geller] I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you! [Janice Litman Goralnik] OH MY GOD!! [Chandler Bing] Oh, Come on! [Janice Litman Goralnik] Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this! [Monica Geller] Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! [Chandler Bing] Why are you here? [Janice Litman Goralnik] Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we... [Chandler Bing] No no no... I mean, why? why is she here?? [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! Oh! They gave you the kiddy size . [Chandler Bing] What!? [Monica Geller] This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! [Chandler Bing] I'd love to stay, but I have eh... got a hot date... [Janice Litman Goralnik] Please... go! Just let me know if you need a hand! [Chandler Bing] I think it just fell off. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole. [Rachel Green] Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, then I'm Swedish... [Monica Geller] So, what's your name? [Phoebe Buffay] It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea... [Rachel Green] Oh... what an interesting name. [Phoebe Buffay] Ja! [Rachel Green] You know I... [Phoebe Buffay] Time for your scalp massage! [Rachel Green] Wow... I really love your... [Phoebe Buffay] Is something wrong? [Rachel Green] No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm... Stockholm. [Rachel Green] Damn! I wish I knew if that was right! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. [Ross Geller] Now, do you have any idea what you just said? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks! [Ross Geller] Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically for you. [Joey Tribbiani] Phonetically? [Ross Geller] Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. [Ross Geller] Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly! [Joey Tribbiani] Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy". [Ross Geller] Wow. What does that mean? [Joey Tribbiani] No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear". [Ross Geller] Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance? [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy! . [Ross Geller] Nah ah! Nah ah! No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings. [Joey Tribbiani] Come on! you... [Ross Geller] No! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! Janice! You're not... gone? [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit? [Chandler Bing] Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over! [Janice Litman Goralnik] That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results? [Chandler Bing] I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby? [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine. [Chandler Bing] oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'... [Janice Litman Goralnik] What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? [Chandler Bing] It was a "Wendy's!! " --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! [Rachel Green] Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, Ja! Ja! [Rachel Green] Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... [Phoebe Buffay] Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is? [Rachel Green] I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar... [Phoebe Buffay] Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass! [Rachel Green] Phoebe!! [Phoebe Buffay] You know it's me? [Rachel Green] For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden! [Phoebe Buffay] How can you come here? [Rachel Green] How could you not tell me you worked here? [Phoebe Buffay] I don't have to tell you everything! [Rachel Green] Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! [Phoebe Buffay] Tips not included. [Rachel Green] Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here? [Phoebe Buffay] Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a 401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes! [Rachel Green] Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any! [Phoebe Buffay] You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back! [Rachel Green] Good for you Pheebs! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die! [Ross Geller] Respectfully, professor R. Geller. , closes the laptop and joins Charlie on the sofa) Hey! [Charlie Wheeler] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey, how was the Met? [Charlie Wheeler] The museum was amazing! [Ross Geller] Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh? [Charlie Wheeler] Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense. [Ross Geller] What do you mean? [Charlie Wheeler] Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around. [Ross Geller] Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right? [Charlie Wheeler] No, we went to the left. [Ross Geller] Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together. [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, it's fun . [Ross Geller] What? [Charlie Wheeler] Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird. [Ross Geller] What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on. [Charlie Wheeler] Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I have more in common with. You know what I mean? [Ross Geller] Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else. [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, I guess that's true. [Ross Geller] And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is. [Charlie Wheeler] He is very sweet. Plus he's hot! [Ross Geller] That was going to be my next argument. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Charlie Wheeler] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] You're ready? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, let's go. Thanks Ross. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up. [Ross Geller] Glad I could help man. [Joey Tribbiani] Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... I made it work. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now. [Chandler Bing] Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down for this? Oh. Well, so what does that mean? Ok. Ok, thank you. Thanks. [Monica Geller] Hey sweetie. [Chandler Bing] Doctor Connelly just called. [Monica Geller] With good news? Of course it is not good news, you just said "Doctor Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you? [Chandler Bing] Actually it's both of us. [Monica Geller] What? [Chandler Bing] Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment. [Monica Geller] Oh... what does that mean? [Chandler Bing] It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do. It means... [Monica Geller] Chandler? [Chandler Bing] It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry. [Monica Geller] I'm sorry too. [Chandler Bing] Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. [Monica Geller] I know. Closing credits. --------------------------------------- [Receptionist] Good morning Phoebe. [Phoebe Buffay] Good morning receptionist. [Receptionist] Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1. [Phoebe Buffay] Rachel Green? Son of a bitch, she came back? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e21", "title": "The One With The Fertility Test"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Donor [Charlie Wheeler] Oh! That feels sooo good! [Rachel Green] Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show! [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sorry, what? [Rachel Green] Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma. [Charlie Wheeler] From... Cosmo?? [Rachel Green] Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin". [Charlie Wheeler] So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes! [Joey Tribbiani] So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good. [Rachel Green] Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh hey Rach! [Rachel Green] Yeah... [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe you could take Charlie shopping. [Rachel Green] Oh, well... [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sure you have better things to do. [Joey Tribbiani] Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes. [Charlie Wheeler] If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help. [Rachel Green] Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... ... and some slutty lingerie, SLUTTY! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, great! All right, bye! Pain in the ass!! That's off, right? [Joey Tribbiani] What's the matter, Pheebs? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him! [Rachel Green] Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him! [Phoebe Buffay] Exactly! [Rachel Green] And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous! [Phoebe Buffay] I didn't even think about that! Aaargh, sexual politics!! [Rachel Green] Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, that'll be great! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together. [Rachel Green] That's not what we're gonna do! [Joey Tribbiani] Why would you ruin it, who was that hurtin'? [Chandler Bing] Wow! Fortunately she has a very pretty face! [Monica Geller] Oh, I so can't believe this! My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I was trying so hard to be a good hostess! [Chandler Bing] Oh, I can't believe my sperm have low motility because, let me tell you, when I was growing up they sure seem to be in a hurry to get places!! [Doctor Connelly] Hi there. [Chandler Bing] Hi. [Monica Geller] Hi. [Doctor Connelly] I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your test last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options. [Monica Geller] Ok. [Doctor Connelly] Above all, even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know! So, keep having sex on a regular basis. [Chandler Bing] Oh, DAMN IT! [Monica Geller] Don't worry, after a while he'll tune it out. [Doctor Connelly] Ok, given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy, or insemination using a sperm donor. [Monica Geller] Ok. [Doctor Connelly] And, of course, if you feel that neither of those is right for you, you can always adopt. [Chandler Bing] Is that a hint? Because we love you Doctor Connelly but we don't think we'd want you to be our child! Wow, talking about an inhospitable environment! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, yeah! Let's do it! [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, have a good time. [Rachel Green] Not gonna find any clothes in there! [Ross Geller] Hey, you guys! [Rachel Green] Hi. [Ross Geller] Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference? [Charlie Wheeler] Umh... Kurts Baley? [Ross Geller] Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract Well, why are you laughing? [Joey Tribbiani] Just... seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist... it's fun, yeah! [Charlie Wheeler] So you're up for keynote speaker! Who's making the decisions? [Ross Geller] Professor Sherman, yeah. I've a meeting with him today. [Charlie Wheeler] He's a pretty tough guy to impress. [Ross Geller] Yeah, well... I think I know how to dazzle him. [Rachel Green] Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya? [Ross Geller] Tsz... NO! . [Chandler Bing] Hey guys! [Ross Geller] Wait a minute, you guys. Oh, I wanna ask you something. I-I I may get to speak at this paleontology convention and if I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me. [Chandler Bing] I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick. [Ross Geller] It's in Barbados. [Chandler Bing] But you come first! [Rachel Green] I'm there! [Charlie Wheeler] We'll see you, guys! [Joey Tribbiani] Bye. [Rachel Green] Bye, see ya. [Chandler Bing] Ok. [Joey Tribbiani] All right, so. How did it go at the fertility clinic? [Chandler Bing] Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample. [Ross Geller] So-so what did the doctor say? [Chandler Bing] Well... there's surrogacy, but Monica has dreamt her whole life of carrying a child, she has felt that watching a surrogate would be... too hard for her. [Joey Tribbiani] So you're ruling out surrogacy? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] So, I don't have to learn what that means? [Chandler Bing] Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors. [Joey Tribbiani] Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs? [Chandler Bing] ah-ha! [Ross Geller] How do you feel about all this? [Chandler Bing] I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one. [Joey Tribbiani] Come on Ross, be a good guy. Step up and do it! [Ross Geller] What? [Ross Geller] What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering. [Professor Sherman] Mmm-mm. [Ross Geller] I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given, but if they're off by even a hundred thousand years or so then you can - you can just throw most of our assumptions, you know, right in the trash. So-so what I am saying is - is is that is that the repercussions could be huge! I mean, not just in palaeontology, but if-if you think about it, in evolutionary biology, uh, genetics, geology, uh, I mean, truly the mind boggles! [Ross Geller] Oh, that's not what you want... --------------------------------------- [Shop Assistant] Incentive For Men? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I'll take some of that. [Rachel Green] Pheebs, that's for men! [Phoebe Buffay] No, I know, this way when I go to the party later Mike will know I am over him cause I'm gonna smell like another guy. Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. Oh good, I'm dating a Russian cab driver. . Seriously does anyone buy this? I smell like beets! [Charlie Wheeler] So, you know what, I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads on them. Where do you think those would be? [Rachel Green] On Melanie Griffith in "Working girl". I think what you want is over here. [Charlie Wheeler] See, I told you I needed someone! Oh, you know, by the way, as a "thank you", I would really love to take you out. [Rachel Green] Really? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come? [Rachel Green] Oh, I can't. Because I-I've seen them. [Charlie Wheeler] You've seen all the movies... [Rachel Green] Yeah! I'm a big fan! Of the movies, you know. Motion pictures. The Talkies! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room? [Rachel Green] Sure! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok! [Charlie Wheeler] Wha, you know, maybe we can do something else! [Rachel Green] You know that depends on what it is! I've done a lot of stuff. [Phoebe Buffay] So what were you doing out there, do you not like Charlie? [Rachel Green] She's ok, I just don't get a really good vibe from her! [Phoebe Buffay] Why? [Rachel Green] I don't know, you know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart, and tall! You know, and just swept Joey off his feet... I mean, nobody else has a chance! [Phoebe Buffay] Who else? [Rachel Green] Anybody! You, me, you know, Monica's mom... [Phoebe Buffay] You like Joey? [Rachel Green] Shhhhh! Phoebe! All right, look. I have a little thing for him. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] It's just physical and I have it totally under control! Ok? It's just, when I see them together, sometimes I just get a little jealous! [Phoebe Buffay] Uh, wow! Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like him? [Rachel Green] Oh, I get it! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh well, as long as it is under control, you know, you can't do anything about it, he's already dating her, and she is a nice person, that wouldn't be right. [Rachel Green] I know, I know, so it is just not a big deal. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Rachel Green] So can we keep this between us? [Phoebe Buffay] Sure! [Rachel Green] Ok, great, because I gotta get out of here, the smell of beets is killing me! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh. [Phoebe Buffay] Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hi honey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! Look I brought a friend for dinner, this is Zack, from work! [Monica Geller] Oh, of course, it's so nice to see you again, Zack! [Zack] You too. [Chandler Bing] You guys haven't actually met before, but, boy! You're both polite! Go to have a seat Zack, and I'll get you a beer. [Monica Geller] I got it. [Zack] Thanks. [Chandler Bing] So, Zack's pretty nice, uh? [Monica Geller] Yeah, I guess. [Chandler Bing] So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his! [Monica Geller] Excuse me? [Chandler Bing] Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"! [Monica Geller] Chandler, this is crazy! What did you even say to him! "Come up, meet my wife! Give us your sperm"! [Chandler Bing] No, I invited him to dinner so you could get a chance to get to know him! I mean, if we go through a sperm bank you never meet the guy, get to check him out. [Monica Geller] Chandler! [Chandler Bing] I'm telling you, he's great! I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I'd think he'd be the way to go! [Monica Geller] I'm not going to be a part of this! You can't just bring some random guy at home and expect him to be our sperm donor! [Chandler Bing] Ok! [Monica Geller] Uh! [Chandler Bing] Zack! [Zack] Thanks! Do you have a coaster? I don't wanna make a ring. [Monica Geller] Tell me about yourself, Zack! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh, God, do you think she heard? It would be so bad if she heard! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, maybe she didn't hear! Ok I'm gonna go into that dressing room, you stay in here and I'll talk and see if you can hear me. [Rachel Green] Ok, great! [Rachel Green] Oh, thank God I can't hear a word that you're saying! [Phoebe Buffay] I didn't say anything yet! [Rachel Green] Well, get back in there and talk! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm Rachel. It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends. [Rachel Green] What!? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, some things are just hard to say to your face. [Rachel Green] Ok well, I heard that! Which means that she heard it too! [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh! We have a problem. [Rachel Green] Oh! What are we gonna do? [Stranger] Just be honest with her. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! [Stranger] And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone... [Rachel Green] Alright! Enough out of you! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hello? [Ross Geller] Joey! Hey, I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there? [Joey Tribbiani] No. no... eh... she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up? [Ross Geller] I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! How's it going? [Ross Geller] It could be better! He, uhm... he fell asleep! [Joey Tribbiani] What!? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda! [Ross Geller] Barbados. [Joey Tribbiani] Fine, I'll rent a car and drive...! Ross, you have to get that job! [Ross Geller] What am I supposed to do? He's out cold! In fact he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, just wake him up! [Ross Geller] I can't! If he realizes that I'm the one that put him to sleep, I won't get the job! [Joey Tribbiani] Uh! That's a tough one. Oh! Wait a minute, this happened to me before! Yeah, I was auditioning for a play and the producer fell asleep and... no wait a minute... it was me who fell asleep... Yeah I mean hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while!? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey guys! Dinner's ready! [Zack] Oh! I'm gonna go wash up first. Thanks! [Chandler Bing] So what do you think? I want that guys genes for my kid! Those eyes, those cheeckbones! [Monica Geller] Ok, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay!! [Chandler Bing] You don't like him. [Monica Geller] I think he is fine! It's just that we don't know anything real about him... we should get more information. [Chandler Bing] Alright! Just follow my lead! [Zack] You guys have such a great place here. [Chandler Bing] Oh! Thanks, I'm crazy about our place. Hey! speaking of crazy... do you have a history of mental illness in the family? [Zack] Uhm... no. Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis. [Chandler Bing] That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack. [Zack] Okaaay... so eh... so tell me, how did you guys meet. [Monica Geller] Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story. I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes? [Zack] No... [Monica Geller] Eh... Heart Disease, Alzheimers, gout? [Zack] You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh? [Monica Geller] We're just making conversation. [Zack] Ok. I heard a joke today. It's pretty funny... [Chandler Bing] You know what's not funny? Male Pattern Baldness. [Zack] Ok listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight and I'm flattered and... and quite frankly a little frightened. Can we just talk about something else? [Chandler Bing] Sure! Alright... [Zack] Ravioli's delicious! [Chandler Bing] I noticed you were enjoying that Ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth. Did you have braces as a child? [Zack] No I didn't. [Monica Geller] Yess!! [Chandler Bing] We're teeth people Zack! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Alright! Let's just do it. Let's just go over there and see if she heard. [Phoebe Buffay] Good plan. [Rachel Green] Ok. Wha...? where? Where are you going? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! I'm sorry Rachel, I don't have time for your childish games, ok? I still have to go find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "who's more over who"! [Rachel Green] Hey, hi! Hey, where've you been? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh! trying on clothes. [Rachel Green] Oh! Wi... in the dres... in the dressing room!? Well, that's so weird! Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room. God it's just such a small world! [Charlie Wheeler] Rachel... I heard you guys whispering. [Rachel Green] Oh God. You did. You heard. Ok, listen, let me explain. [Charlie Wheeler] No! There's nothing to explain. I heard you. Phoebe likes Joey. [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Charlie Wheeler] It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress another guy...? [Rachel Green] Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho! [Charlie Wheeler] Wow! [Rachel Green] Yeah... [Charlie Wheeler] You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person. [Rachel Green] I try... --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! [Professor Feesen] You're welcome. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Wow! You look... ... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness! [Phoebe Buffay] Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party. [Joey Tribbiani] Then don't go! [Phoebe Buffay] Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk! [Phoebe Buffay] You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency Room. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] David? [David] Phoebe! Hi! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! [David] Wow, you look unbelievable. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. What-what are you doing here? [David] Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently. [Phoebe Buffay] What happened? [David] Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah? [David] Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, it's great that you're back! How are you? [David] Good, good, life is good... [Phoebe Buffay] Good! [David] Ah well, I-I'm seeing someone. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, good for you. [David] She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and... well, it's actually because of you, really, that we're together, I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy, and I just said "Boy, I want that". [Phoebe Buffay] Mike and I broke up. [David] You're kidding me. Because I'm not seeing anybody, I've just totally made that up. [Phoebe Buffay] Really? [David] Yeah, I don't know why, I'm sorry, I guess I just didn't want to lose face. [Phoebe Buffay] I understand. Yeah. Ok so then ok, so we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone. That's so not like us! [David] Yeah, I know. Well... this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that, but do you have some place that you need to be right now? [Phoebe Buffay] Well... no. [David] Do you wanna get a drink? [Phoebe Buffay] I'd love to. [David] Great. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. [David] Do you smell beets? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, got it, stay upwind of me. [Charlie Wheeler] Hey, there's Phoebe! Is that Mike she's with? [Rachel Green] No, that's David. [Charlie Wheeler] There's a third guy? [Rachel Green] Tip of the iceberg. [Zack] I'm gonna take off now. You're gonna let me go home, aren't you? [Chandler Bing] You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer? [Zack] No, no, I should get home, I'm kinda tired. [Chandler Bing] Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression. [Zack] No it's just tiring having to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died. I'll see you tomorrow. [Chandler Bing] Ok. [Chandler Bing] I think we've found our sperm! [Monica Geller] Does seem pretty perfect. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, you think so, well? Should I ask him? [Monica Geller] No. [Chandler Bing] Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway! [Monica Geller] No, that's not it. It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before, I just... I just realized I don't care if he's the most perfect guy in the world... he's not you. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, he's better! [Monica Geller] No, he's not. And if I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by... him or anyone else. [Chandler Bing] Really? Are you sure? [Monica Geller] Yeah, I'm sure. [Chandler Bing] Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either. You know, I was just doing because I thought that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband, I'm supposed to... bring the sperm. [Monica Geller] That is so sweet. I love you. [Chandler Bing] So you know this leaves us with... [Monica Geller] Adoption. [Chandler Bing] How do you feel about that? [Monica Geller] I think I feel ok about it. Actually I think I feel really good about it. [Chandler Bing] Me too. I wanna find a baby that needs a home and I wanna raise it with you. And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way. [Monica Geller] So this is it, we're really gonna adopt? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, we're gonna be parents! [Chandler Bing] We are gonna be great parents. [Monica Geller] And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived. [Chandler Bing] Wait, if we're lucky, and we're really really really quiet, we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking! [Chandler Bing] Hey, Zack! [Zack] Hey Chandler. [Chandler Bing] Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night. I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable. [Zack] No you didn't. [Chandler Bing] Really? [Zack] No you did. [Chandler Bing] My wife and I have some boundary issues, you know, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions. We're working on it. [Jeanette] Here are the boards for Friday's pitch . [Zack] Oh, thank you. [Chandler Bing] You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e22", "title": "The One With The Donor"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One In Barbados, Part 1 [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! I'm all packed and ready to go! [Ross Geller] Oh, that's right! Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right? [Joey Tribbiani] Mmh-mmh. [Ross Geller] Can you say Barbados? [Joey Tribbiani] Barbados! [Ross Geller] Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I've a surprise, uh... I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That's right! This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars. [Rachel Green] Do you have anything that would... get us out of them? [Chandler Bing] Yeah Ross, I mean... we're excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we're gonna wanna do, you know, "island's stuff". [Phoebe Buffay] I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures. [Ross Geller] Oh, right, because he's a scientist! [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, because, you know, he's been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he'll die. [Ross Geller] Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we'll see you guys tomorrow. [Joey Tribbiani] All right, let's do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally. [Ross Geller] It's a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility! [Charlie Wheeler] Wow! This place is beautiful! [Ross Geller] Look at all these paleontologists!! [Joey Tribbiani] I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! [Woman] Oh my God, I can't believe you're here! [Joey Tribbiani] I think I've been recognized, this happens all the time! [Woman] Doctor Geller, I'm such a huge fan! [Joey Tribbiani] That... never happens... [Woman] I've been following your career for years, I-I can't wait for your keynote speech. [Ross Geller] Wow! This is very flattering, uh... [Woman] I would love your autograph. [Ross Geller] Uh, uh... Sure! Uhm... "Dear..." [Woman] Sarah. [Ross Geller] "... Sarah. I dig you", Uh? "Doctor Ross Geller". [Sarah] Thank you so much! [Ross Geller] Yeah, oh and Sarah... I'd like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani. [Sarah] Are you a paleontologist? [Joey Tribbiani] No, God, no! No! No no, I'm an actor. You'd probably recognize me from a little show called "The Days of Our Lives". [Ross Geller] Dude, it's just "Days of Our Lives"... there's no the. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, Ross! It's... It's fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray. [Sarah] I'm sorry, I don't own a TV. [Joey Tribbiani] You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] David, can you help me?! I'm trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air. [David] Oh, certainly. That's a combination of Bernoulli's principle and Newton's third law of motion. [Monica Geller] See? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind". [Monica Geller] Alright, I'm gonna go pick up a few things for the trip. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there. [Phoebe Buffay] Mike?? Who's Mike? [David] Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend! [Phoebe Buffay] That's right! Oh, yeah... Well, I've totally forgotten about im! AH! That's-That's... a blast from the past! [David] It's ok. Ho-honest mistake. [Phoebe Buffay] Really, it doesn't mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time! [Chandler Bing] She does? [Monica Geller] Let's get you out of here!! [Monica Geller] At least you took me down with you! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right? [Monica Geller] I guess, in time. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Monica Geller] I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone. [Phoebe Buffay] You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone! --------------------------------------- [David] Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh? [Chandler Bing] I wouldn't read too much into it. [David] Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend's name, that-that's not a good thing, right? [Chandler Bing] David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee. [David] Sorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe... [Chandler Bing] Seriously, we're gonna do this? [David] I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up? [Chandler Bing] Oh, because his penis was too big. Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage? [David] That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her! [Chandler Bing] What? [David] Well, I was probably going to do it at some point. [Chandler Bing] I didn't mean now... [David] Why not? It's brilliant! Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely. [Chandler Bing] Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help. [David] How do you think I should propose? [Chandler Bing] David, I'm pretending to read here!! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong? [Charlie Wheeler] I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs... [Joey Tribbiani] You really should have been more clear about that! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] You're never going to guess who I just saw downstairs! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!? [Ross Geller] Yeah, she never misses these conferences! No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz! [Charlie Wheeler] Oh my God! Did you talk to him? [Ross Geller] Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz? [Joey Tribbiani] You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" [Ross Geller] Ready to go? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah! [Joey Tribbiani] Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech. [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Charlie Wheeler] But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic. [Joey Tribbiani] Will you wear a thong? [Charlie Wheeler] I will if you will. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal! [Ross Geller] I'm good, I have dinner plans . [Charlie Wheeler] So you'll be ok? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming... [Ross Geller] Uh, Joe, have you looked outside? [Joey Tribbiani] No, why? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh man! [Charlie Wheeler] There's an indoor pool, you can swim there! [Joey Tribbiani] I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David. [Chandler Bing] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" "I do". [Monica Geller] Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee. [Chandler Bing] David is going to propose to Phoebe. [Monica Geller] What? Why? [Chandler Bing] Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married. [Monica Geller] Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke? [Chandler Bing] I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said? [Monica Geller] They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again. [Chandler Bing] Man, that's some bad advice! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here! [Rachel Green] Hey! Hey what's going on? [Joey Tribbiani] Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous! [Rachel Green] Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed! [Monica Geller] Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?! [Chandler Bing] That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in. [Monica Geller] Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling! [Monica Geller] And make sure our room isn't next to theirs . [Rachel Green] Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I could share that with a guy. [Phoebe Buffay] Not Joey. [Rachel Green] Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler. [Monica Geller] Yeah, right! [David] So, ehm... I'm proposing to Pheobe tonight. [Chandler Bing] Tonight?! Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? Oh, there it is! [David] Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor. [Chandler Bing] Nice! [Chandler Bing] Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? [Monica Geller] Ok! [Chandler Bing] David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight! [Monica Geller] See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to? [Chandler Bing] That would be advice!! [Monica Geller] Ok fine. I'll handle this. Phoebe? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah? [Monica Geller] I need to talk to you. [Phoebe Buffay] Are you leaving "The Supremes"? [Monica Geller] Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow? Really? That's fantastic! [Monica Geller] What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." You know, it's every girl's dream! [Monica Geller] Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer? [Phoebe Buffay] Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. [Charlie Wheeler] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference. [Ross Geller] Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. . [Joey Tribbiani] Hey guys! [Ross Geller] The chocolates aren't here yet. [Joey Tribbiani] Damnit! [Charlie Wheeler] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic! [Chandler Bing] Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I'd love to give it a read...? [Ross Geller] If you want to check your email, just ask! [Chandler Bing] What? May I? [Rachel Green] What's with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season. [Charlie Wheeler] Actually the wet season is June to December. [Rachel Green] It's not the time Charlie. [Chandler Bing] Oh, no, no, no dear God, no! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? Oh! Secret teapot? [Chandler Bing] Your computer, I don't know wha... everything's gone! [Ross Geller] Wha... what do you mean? [Chandler Bing] It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive. [Ross Geller] What, oh my God. What did you do? [Chandler Bing] Someone I don't know sent me an e-mail and I opened it. [Ross Geller] Why, why would you open it? [Chandler Bing] Well, it didn't say "This is a virus"!! [Ross Geller] What did it say? [Chandler Bing] Nude... ... pictures of Anna Kournikova. I'm so sorry. [Ross Geller] What... what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler! [Chandler Bing] It's not gone! I mean, I'm sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right? [Ross Geller] NO! I don't!! [Chandler Bing] Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now...! [Joey Tribbiani] It's really gone? [Ross Geller] Yep! I'd like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career! [Chandler Bing] I just feel awful. [Ross Geller] Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she's never even won a major tournament! [Chandler Bing] Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... [Ross Geller] Get out! [Rachel Green] You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work. [Ross Geller] Well, what do you do? [Rachel Green] Well, I usually go... play Tetris on somebody else's computer. [Ross Geller] I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say? [Joey Tribbiani] I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions. [Ross Geller] I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe! [Charlie Wheeler] Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all night! [Ross Geller] Wha... what you really think we can do that? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner . [Joey Tribbiani] Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can. [Rachel Green] Ugh. [Ross Geller] Alright, ok, let's do it. Uhm, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the Triassic. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? . --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Hello? [Monica Geller] Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up! [Mike Hannigan] Who is this? [Monica Geller] This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going to propose to her, and she is going to say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you! [Mike Hannigan] He... he's gonna propose? [Monica Geller] I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! [Mike Hannigan] Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you. [Monica Geller] You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? Damnit! [Monica Geller] Well, I hope you're happy! [Chandler Bing] Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey! [Monica Geller] Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives! [Chandler Bing] Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great! [Monica Geller] No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike! [Chandler Bing] And there's not chance that will work? [Monica Geller] No, I called him. It's not gonna happen. [Chandler Bing] Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler! [Monica Geller] Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place! [Chandler Bing] This vacation sucks!! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything. [Rachel Green] Well, I've brought some books. We could read. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, it hasn't come to that yet. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do! [Waiter] I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention? [Rachel Green] We can't. We're not pharmacists! [Joey Tribbiani] I know we're not, but Frank Medeio and... Eva Trorro... womba... [Rachel Green] Kate Miller? [Joey Tribbiani] Kate Miller it is. [Rachel Green] And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend. [Joey Tribbiani] In that case should I make sure it's on real good? [Rachel Green] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Charlie Wheeler] And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century. [Ross Geller] Yeah, that's it? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah. [Ross Geller] Oh my God, we did it! [Charlie Wheeler] Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech. [Ross Geller] Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. That's a pretty necklace. [Charlie Wheeler] Thank you. [Ross Geller] Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you. [Ross Geller] Oh my God, I love you. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation? [Ross Geller] That's Ben, my son from my first marriage. [Charlie Wheeler] Your first marriage? [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Charlie Wheeler] You're married more than once? [Ross Geller] No. [Charlie Wheeler] So, why did you break up? [Ross Geller] Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh my God, this is so cool! [Ross Geller] Ok, odd thing to get excited about! [Charlie Wheeler] No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay! [Ross Geller] Hey! High-five! [Charlie Wheeler] Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiance was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner. [Ross Geller] My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter. [Charlie Wheeler] Right and then everybody finds out and they're like: "Oh, I knew all along" [Ross Geller] I know! It's like, if you knew, why didn't you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: "Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife's gay" [Charlie Wheeler] I know! [Ross Geller] And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome? [Charlie Wheeler] I didn't do that. [Ross Geller] Me neither. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun. [Rachel Green] I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home. [Joey Tribbiani] Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you're the single one, seen anybody in there you like? [Rachel Green] Well, let's see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts... [Joey Tribbiani] But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like? [Rachel Green] No. [Joey Tribbiani] There it is, you're blushing! [Rachel Green] No, I'm not blushing, I'm sunburnt! From, you know, the rain. [Joey Tribbiani] You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? [Rachel Green] No. [Joey Tribbiani] Tell me who it is. [Rachel Green] Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You're not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who? [Rachel Green] Joey, come on! It doesn't matter, you know, it's not like anything's gonna happen. [Joey Tribbiani] What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get? [Rachel Green] Oh! Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, who is that? [Rachel Green] Do ya? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Charlie Wheeler] Hey! [Charlie Wheeler] I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you're here, maybe we can go have that dinner. [Joey Tribbiani] Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech? [Ross Geller] Yep, we got it, we got it. Thank you so much. [Charlie Wheeler] I had a great time. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, hey look, and this isn't over, because I really wanna know who... [Rachel Green] Later! La... [Charlie Wheeler] So, shall we? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Rachel Green] Ok. See you, bye. [Charlie Wheeler] Bye. [Ross Geller] Good night. [Joey Tribbiani] Night. [Rachel Green] Ok, good night! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] I can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike. [Chandler Bing] You know, it's very hard to take you seriously when you look like that. [David] Uh, Phoebe, uh, I have... something I wanna say. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this, let's go. [Chandler Bing] I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? "Uh, Phoebe, uh, I would be honoured, uh..." Spit it out, David! [David] Uh, Phoebe, uh... you're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was, was unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help! [Phoebe Buffay] Sure, ok, yeah. [David] But well, now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart. So, to that end... [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, Mike! [David] It's David, actually! [Phoebe Buffay] No, Mike's here. [David] Hi Mike! [Mike Hannigan] Hi David. Chandler. Monica... Oh! [Monica Geller] IT'S THE HUMIDITY! [Mike Hannigan] Hi Phoebe. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you, what are you doing here? [Mike Hannigan] I have a question I need to ask you. [David] I have a question I was kinda gonna ask her myself. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this. [David] Ok, would you care for my seat as well? [Mike Hannigan] Actually yeah, that'll be great. [David] That's fair, you've had a long trip. [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you. [David] Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say. [Mike Hannigan] Sorry David, but she really has to know this. [David] Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops. [Monica Geller] You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? Now, I don't actually have a ring... [David] I have a ring. [Chandler Bing] I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy. [David] Phoebe, will you marry me? [Phoebe Buffay] No! [David] Uhm... Ha ha! [Phoebe Buffay] I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you know, that we had a future. [Mike Hannigan] We can have any future you want. [David] Ok, I'm gonna take off. [Phoebe Buffay] David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. [David] Just so I know, if I had asked first... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong. [David] Please, you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! [Mike Hannigan] Is it ok if I hug you now? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes! [Monica Geller] BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e23", "title": "The One In Barbados, Part 1"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One In Barbados, Part 2 [Chandler Bing] Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day. [Monica Geller] I know. [Rachel Green] Open your drapes! Open your drapes! [Chandler Bing] I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms! [Monica Geller] The sun is out! [Chandler Bing] Hey! Remember when I had corneas? [Monica Geller] Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion. [Chandler Bing] Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes. [Rachel Green] Nooo! [Monica Geller] Damn it! [Ross Geller] Walls are pretty thin, guys! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Then we have to await the data from recent MRI scans and DNA testing which call into question information gathered from years of simple carbon dating. [Rachel Green] Look at that woman sitting by the pool getting tan... so leathery and wrinkled, I'm so jealous! [Ross Geller] Finally, factoring the profusion of new species recently discovered: Gigantosaurus, Argentinasaurus... [Chandler Bing] Not to mention the cold sores. [Ross Geller] And that's just the herbivores. I'm not even gonna discuss the carnivores, their heads are already too big. Which is ironic considering their stunted cerebral development. [Chandler Bing] Really? [Ross Geller] But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus... [Charlie Wheeler] What? [Joey Tribbiani] He said "erectus"! [Charlie Wheeler] You're... you're kidding, right? [Joey Tribbiani] No, he really said it. [Ross Geller] ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus... [Joey Tribbiani] Erectus? [Rachel Green] Homo. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] ... in a very real way we can bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century. Thank you! [Ross Geller] Oh, thanks guys! [Man With A Bow Tie] I thought... it was wonderful! [Ross Geller] Oh! [Man With A Bow Tie] Jarvis Oberblau, Cornell. I mean, the ideas you put forth and, and from someone... so... young... and... . [Ross Geller] Ok... now... now we're just holding hands! [Rachel Green] All right! Well, uh... we're gonna hit the beach? [Monica Geller] Yeah! [Rachel Green] It was really... great! [Ross Geller] Oh, thank you so much! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, and so funny! [Rachel Green] Oh! [Ross Geller] Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you were here! [Mike Hannigan] You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it! [Mike Hannigan] Oh... I'm back! [Ross Geller] Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah! [Ross Geller] Hey! Well...? [Charlie Wheeler] You were incredible! [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Charlie Wheeler] You blew them away! [Ross Geller] Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were mouthing the words along with me? [Charlie Wheeler] I was not! [Ross Geller] No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star! [Charlie Wheeler] Oh my God! I'm your groupie! [Ross Geller] I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room! [Ross Geller] Look, I took it too far! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] I can't believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. Not you guys. You got it going on! [Monica Geller] So, what are we gonna do today? [Mike Hannigan] They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff. [Monica Geller] Ping pong? Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play! [Chandler Bing] I don't think so! [Monica Geller] Why not? [Chandler Bing] Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying! [Monica Geller] I'm not always that bad! [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time? [Monica Geller] I punched you...? [Chandler Bing] And...? [Monica Geller] ... Phoebe...? [Phoebe Buffay] ... and...? [Monica Geller] I clunked your heads together! --------------------------------------- [Charlie Wheeler] Hey! There you are! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! As soon as it stops raining we have got to go snorkeling! Some kid told me about the sea turtle and, if you blow bubbles in its face, it chases ya! [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sorry, I can't! I'm running a discussion group all afternoon. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh... oh, but that's ok, I'll find someone else to do it... I'll do it alone, but... I don't know what happens if the sea turtle catches you... [Charlie Wheeler] You know... I feel so bad! I haven't seen you this whole trip and especially last night... [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! Don't worry about it! It was fine! I ended up having the best time with Rachel! I just felt bad for you, stuck in that room, working on Ross's speech... [Charlie Wheeler] Actually, it turned out to be a lot of fun! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! Oh, well! At least we're both having fun! [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah... [Charlie Wheeler] ... is it weird that it's not with each other? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! A little bit, yeah... [Charlie Wheeler] I think we need to talk...! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... I think we do... ... about what? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] C'mon guys, it'll be fun! [Phoebe Buffay] All right, all right... I'll play if we don't keep score! [Monica Geller] But then how do we know who wins? [Phoebe Buffay] Nobody wins! [Monica Geller] So, we're just four losers... SUPER! [Chandler Bing] I'm not playing with you. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I'm out. [Mike Hannigan] I'll play ya! [Monica Geller] OK! [Phoebe Buffay] Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing! [Chandler Bing] She gets crazy! This scar is from Pictionary! [Mike Hannigan] I think I will be all right! You wanna volley a bit for a serve? [Monica Geller] Sure! Got to! [Monica Geller] Aww! [Mike Hannigan] Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!! [Chandler Bing] Oh dear God, there's two of them! [Mike Hannigan] You're ready to play? [Monica Geller] Hell, yeah! [Chandler Bing] Did you know this about him? [Phoebe Buffay] No idea! I though he was soft like you! [Mike Hannigan] Wanna make it more interesting? [Monica Geller] How much were you thinking? [Mike Hannigan] Ten bucks a game? [Monica Geller] Make it fifty! [Mike Hannigan] I'll make it a hundred! [Monica Geller] One thousand... [Chandler Bing] OK! [Mike Hannigan] To see who goes first, you got a quarter? [Monica Geller] No... Either of you girls got a quarter? [Chandler Bing] Honey, try to focus the trash talk on him! [Phoebe Buffay] Monica, you call it. [Monica Geller] Heads! No, Tails! He-he-heads! [Phoebe Buffay] Tails! [Monica Geller] Ow, what are the chances! [Monica Geller] Ha! My point! [Mike Hannigan] Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point. [Phoebe Buffay] He was a lawyer! --------------------------------------- [Alexandra Steele] ... all these coasts having beautiful weather. In New York, it's 72 and sunny! [Rachel Green] Oh! Weather bitch! [Rachel Green] It's open! Hi, Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey... [Rachel Green] What, is everything ok? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh... Charlie and I broke up. [Rachel Green] Nooooo, why? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh well, she said we have nothing in common. [Rachel Green] Oh, that's crazy! [Joey Tribbiani] No, it's not, we have nothing in common! [Rachel Green] ... yeah, it's true. [Joey Tribbiani] I mean, she should be with someone like... Ross! You know what I mean, he uses all those big words too! Man, smart people are dull! [Rachel Green] What, hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, Rach! [Joey Tribbiani] I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls? [Rachel Green] W-What are you, what are you talking about? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, c'mon, I mean, there's you, then there's Charlie, and it's like... What the hell is my problem? OH! [Rachel Green] Ok... uh... maybe you're not always going after the wrong girl... [Joey Tribbiani] I'm telling you, Rach, Charlie is not right for me! [Rachel Green] Yeah, I'm not talking about her... [Joey Tribbiani] But then who? The waitress I went out with last month? [Rachel Green] You know? Forget it! [Joey Tribbiani] No-no-no-no, no! Who, who were you talking about? [Rachel Green] No, I-I-I-I don't, I actually don't know who I'm talking about! So! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok! All right, well... I'm gonna see if I can get a room for the night and I'll... I'll see you later! [Rachel Green] Yeah, sure! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] You like me? [Rachel Green] Ok, let's not make a big thing about this! [Joey Tribbiani] That's a huge thing! [Rachel Green] Not working with me, Joe! Here's the thing: lately I have been having thoughts musings, if you will! [Joey Tribbiani] What... for how long? [Rachel Green] Only like a month! [Joey Tribbiani] A MONTH?? [Rachel Green] What the... DIAL IT DOWN! Listen, ok, and maybe they're crazy thoughts, but sometimes I do, I have, I've been thinking about... you know, us! Ok, dial it up a little! [Joey Tribbiani] I just have one question! [Rachel Green] Shoot! [Joey Tribbiani] What the hell are you doin'??? [Rachel Green] I don't know, I'm not trying to do anything, it's just, we have such a good time when we're together, you know... I mean, aren't you just a... little curious... what that would be like?... [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, am I curious? I mean, I am as curious as... as... George!! [Rachel Green] Who...? [Joey Tribbiani] CURIOUS GEORGE ! You know, the monkey, and the guy with the yellow hat! [Rachel Green] Oh yes, of course, I remember him! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, he had a paper route. [Rachel Green] Yeah, he did! Oh, see, this is what I'm talking about! [Joey Tribbiani] No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen! [Rachel Green] But can it... just... happen a little bit? [Joey Tribbiani] NO, NO! It can't happen at all! [Rachel Green] But why, why not? [Joey Tribbiani] Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? I have gone over this moment in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! I couldn't do it to Ross! [Rachel Green] But that wasn't gonna stop you before! [Joey Tribbiani] I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... I'm sorry...! [Rachel Green] I'm sorry, too! OH GOD! I shouldn't have said anything! [Joey Tribbiani] NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal! [Rachel Green] It's not a big deal! [Joey Tribbiani] NO BIG DEAL! [Rachel Green] It's so not a big deal! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah! [Rachel Green] Ok! [Rachel Green] Ok, I... [Rachel Green] AAAHHHH! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table! [Mike Hannigan] Do you? [Monica Geller] Ah, yeah! [Mike Hannigan] Do you? [Monica Geller] Ah, yeaaah! [Mike Hannigan] DO YOU? [Monica Geller] AH YEAAAAH! [Chandler Bing] Do you really find this attractive on him? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yeah! Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now? [Chandler Bing] I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one. [Phoebe Buffay] C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head! [Monica Geller] Oh, damn it! [Phoebe Buffay] I sleep with him! [Mike Hannigan] Game, point! [Monica Geller] Don't get too cocky! Remember I won the last one! Oh, by the way, how did that feel, losing to a girl? [Mike Hannigan] You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that. [Monica Geller] NO, NO, NOOO! [Mike Hannigan] And that's how it's done! [Chandler Bing] Okay-dokay, you've each won a game and I've lost what's felt like a year of my life. So everybody goes home a winner. [Monica Geller] Best out of three? [Mike Hannigan] That's what I'm thinking. [Chandler Bing] Should I use my invisibility to fight crime or for evil? [Monica Geller] Serve the ball, chump! [Mike Hannigan] : Serve the ball, chump. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back. --------------------------------------- [Jarvis Oberblau] I'm just saying, I have a cabin in the Adirondacks if you ever want to get away from the city, well, that'd be just nifty! [Ross Geller] Ooh, well. Ah, I kinda have got a lot on my plate right now, not that I wouldn't love a weekend in the country with a strange man. [Woman] Jarvis? [Jarvis Oberblau] Oh, you're back... this is my wife, Nancy. [Ross Geller] Get Out! [Charlie Wheeler] Ross, can I talk to you for a minute? [Ross Geller] Yes, please! So, what's going on? [Charlie Wheeler] Uh, well... Joey and I broke up. [Ross Geller] Oh my God, wh-what happened? [Charlie Wheeler] Joey is a great guy, but we're just... so different! I mean, during your speech he kept laughing at homo erectus! [Ross Geller] I knew that was him! [Charlie Wheeler] Anyway I just, uh, I think it's for the best. [Ross Geller] Hey, you ok? [Charlie Wheeler] I guess. There was hum... there was another reason that I thought it was time to end it with Joey. I started to realize that I was having feelings for someone else. [Paleontologist] Ok Geller. Last day of the conference, you know what happens to the keynote speaker. [Ross Geller] Oh, professor Clerk we're kind of in the middle of a conversation, here. [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, can you guys just throw him in the pool later? [Professore Clerk] Or we could throw you both in now! [Ross Geller] Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. . GO, GO, GO! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41. [Chandler Bing] Ok, look! Enough is enough! [Monica Geller] No, I have just to have two more points to beat him! [Chandler Bing] Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand, your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations, so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head! [Monica Geller] I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours! [Chandler Bing] But... [Monica Geller] Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is my sickness! [Chandler Bing] What about the obsessive cleaning? [Monica Geller] That's just good sense! [Monica Geller] Aww! [Chandler Bing] You ok? [Monica Geller] No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking! Ooh! Ooh! Oh my God! I can't play! [Mike Hannigan] So you forfeit? [Phoebe Buffay] Mike wins? [Monica Geller] I can't believe it! I lost! [Chandler Bing] No, you didn't. [Monica Geller] What? [Chandler Bing] Because I'm gonna play for ya. [Phoebe Buffay] You can't do that! [Mike Hannigan] Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister. [Monica Geller] Honey, you don't have to do this. [Chandler Bing] Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you then it's important to me, because I love you. [Monica Geller] But... you suck! [Chandler Bing] You're welcome, sweetheart. [Chandler Bing] All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins. [Mike Hannigan] Ok! [Monica Geller] Oh my God! You're good! [Phoebe Buffay] It's like watching porn! [Chandler Bing] And that's... how... it's done! [Monica Geller] Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you Hold on! I almost forgot loser! When did you stop sucking? [Chandler Bing] I never sucked, I actually didn't want you to know how good I was! [Monica Geller] Why? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. [Monica Geller] This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments! [Chandler Bing] That's why! --------------------------------------- [Charlie Wheeler] Thanks! [Ross Geller] Hi. [Charlie Wheeler] Are they still looking for us? [Ross Geller] Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. You know, we as a group are not the coolest. [Ross Geller] I don't think they saw us. [Charlie Wheeler] I don't think they did. [Charlie Wheeler] Hum, so, I started to say you something earlier, hum... There was another reason I realized it was time to end it with Joey. I kind of realized I... was starting to have feelings... for someone else. [Ross Geller] Oh. Can I... can I ask who? [Charlie Wheeler] I think you know. [Ross Geller] I think I know too but I've been really wrong about this stuff in the past, so... [Ross Geller] I'm sorry... we... we can't. [Charlie Wheeler] All right, all right. [Ross Geller] I mean, you just went out with my best friend, and I just think it'd be a really really bad idea. Or-or not! [Rachel Green] What? Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull .

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s09", "episode": "e24", "title": "The One In Barbados, Part 2"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss [Monica Geller] Oh, the way you crushed Mike at ping pong was such a turn-on.You wanna...? [Chandler Bing] You know, I'd love to, but I'm a little tired. [Monica Geller] I'll put a pillowcase over my head. [Chandler Bing] You're on! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] What's up? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, okay, Mike's taking a shower, which by the way there's no law against. And then we're gonna grab some food, so if you want... [Ross Geller] ... finally... [Phoebe Buffay] Is that Ross? [Monica Geller] Yeah, you can hear everything through these stupid walls. [Phoebe Buffay] Sounds like he's with someone. [Chandler Bing] He could be alone. This morning I heard him do push-ups, and then talk to his triceps. [Monica Geller] Wait a minute, I think Phoebe's right. You know I hear someone else in there with him. [Charlie Wheeler] Ooh... Dr. Geller! [Ross Geller] God, you're amazing... I didn't even have to ask you to call me that. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, that's Charlie! [Chandler Bing] She's cheating on Joey with Ross! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh that tart... floozy... giant... [Monica Geller] I'm not sure about this. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you're right. This is none of our business. [Monica Geller] No I'm not sure that it's the best way to hear everything. Someone get me a glass! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I'm not gonna do this, okay? I'm not gonna eavesdrop on my friend. [Rachel Green] Ooh... I love Barbados! [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh... I can't believe I'm kissing you. I'm kissing Rachel! [Rachel Green] I know, I'm her! [Phoebe Buffay] Rachel and Joey! It's Rachel and Joey!!! [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Get over here! [Rachel Green] ooh... [Chandler Bing] Wow! [Monica Geller] Oh my God, I love how thin these walls are! [Monica Geller] Thank you. [Rachel Green] Hey, you know, before you said that nothing could happen between us? What changed? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I only said that because of Ross, you know. Then I saw him kissing Charlie... [Rachel Green] What? Ross and Charlie? Wow! She's really making her way through the group, huh? Ah, who am I to talk? [Monica Geller] I can't believe this. Rachel and Joey? [Chandler Bing] How about the dinosaur twins in the other room? No-one is manning that wall! [Monica Geller] I'm on it! [Chandler Bing] Anything? [Monica Geller] I think I hear curtains closing... [Phoebe Buffay] We've got shoes being kicked off over here. [Monica Geller] Bedsprings, unmistakable! [Chandler Bing] You do realise that's your brother? [Monica Geller] Not until you said it. Somebody switch! Wait a minute... Ross and Charlie, Joey and Rachel, Phoebe and Mike! We're the only people leaving with the same person we came with. [Chandler Bing] That's not true. I came with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al. [Monica Geller] Okay, I've had it with the hair jokes. Tomorrow morning, before we leave, I'm going to the salon. [Chandler Bing] Okay Buckwheat! [Phoebe Buffay] You gotta hear this, it's great... It's like free porn! [Ross Geller] Weh...*sigh* [Charlie Wheeler] uhm... Is everything okay? [Ross Geller] Yeah, It's just... I don't think I can do this... [Charlie Wheeler] Ooh... Is it because of what might be on the bedspread, because I saw that news report too, with the infra red and the ... I could just... [Ross Geller] No, NO! Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it. [Charlie Wheeler] I uhm... I completely understand. [Ross Geller] Alright, I'm gonna go find them... I just need a... need a before I can... you know. Grandma... grandma... grandma... Okay, I see you later. [Charlie Wheeler] Okay... [Phoebe Buffay] That's the door. He's gone... [Chandler Bing] And she's... turning on the TV... and watching... Miss Congeniality! [Monica Geller] Honey, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well! [Ross Geller] Hey, what are you guys doing? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, we're just... we're sad to go so we're just saying goodbye to the hotel. I love you... Paradise Hotel, Golf resort and Spa... [Monica Geller] Yeah, we had a great time, thank you! [Chandler Bing] Bye! [Ross Geller] Okay, uhm... Hey, you guys seen Joey anywhere? [Chandler Bing] He's probably in his room with his current girlfriend Charlie. That's the situation as we know it... [Ross Geller] Well, if you see him could you please tell him I'm looking for him? [Chandler Bing] You got it! [Ross Geller] Thanks! Thank you! [Monica Geller] Other wall, people! Other wall! [Ross Geller] Rach, you there? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God, it's Ross. What are we gonna do? [Rachel Green] Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. That's not nonchalant! [Joey Tribbiani] No idea what it means. [Rachel Green] Oh... okay, just hide! [Ross Geller] Rach? [Rachel Green] Coming! Try under the bed, try under the bed! [Rachel Green] There's no room under the bed. [Ross Geller] Is everything okay? [Rachel Green] Yeah... [Ross Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Hi... [Ross Geller] You know where Joey is? [Rachel Green] ...I really don't... [Ross Geller] Can I talk to you for a minute? [Rachel Green] Yeah, sure... [Joey Tribbiani] I don't believe this... Have you guys been... [Phoebe Buffay] Shhh... This is the listening side of the wall. [Ross Geller] And then she told me that she and Joey had broken up, and that part of the reason was that she had feelings for me. [Rachel Green] Uh-huh... right... yeah... [Ross Geller] And you know I wanted to ask Charlie out since the day I met her. [Rachel Green] Oh, I know... I know it's been really hard for you. [Ross Geller] Anyway, one thing lead to another, and... oh... before you know it, we were kissing. I mean, how angry do you think Joey is gonna be? [Rachel Green] That is hard to say, Ross. That is hard to say. [Ross Geller] You know, I gotta go find him. He's gotta be here someplace. [Rachel Green] You would think! [Rachel Green] Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] Is he gone? [Rachel Green] How are you doing this? [Joey Tribbiani] Pssst... [Rachel Green] How... wha... Hey! What are you... What is this? Have you guys been listening this entire time? [Chandler Bing] YE-AH! [Phoebe Buffay] Now, what is this? [Rachel Green] Ah, what is this? Well, lets see, we kissed for ten minutes and now we're talking to our friends about it, so I guess this is sixth grade! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no... Have you thought about it how complicated this could get? What about Ross? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, he's with Charlie now. [Monica Geller] Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you? [Joey Tribbiani] You're a pain in my ass, Geller! [Rachel Green] All right, look you guys... Look, we appreciate all the advice, but this is between Joey and me and I think we can handle it... [Chandler Bing] Okay, well we'll go back in there, but will you do one thing for us? The people that care about you? [Rachel Green] Sure... [Chandler Bing] Enunciate! [Rachel Green] Get out! [Rachel Green] Are they right? [Joey Tribbiani] Probably, yeah... I mean, maybe we should... hold off until we talk to Ross. [Rachel Green] Yeah... Yeah, we can wait, we don't have to do anything tonight. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I think that'd be best... So, so I'm gonna... I'm gonna take off... [Rachel Green] Although... [Joey Tribbiani] I like although! [Rachel Green] I mean, you know... Ross and I haven't dated in like... six years... [Joey Tribbiani] Six years? Wow... It's almost as long as highschool... [Rachel Green] Plus, you know, he is with Charlie now. [Joey Tribbiani] Absolutely! He's not thinking about you. [Rachel Green] No... [Joey Tribbiani] I'm thinking about you... [Rachel Green] Yeah... [Joey Tribbiani] Let's forget about Ross... [Rachel Green] Forgotten. [Joey Tribbiani] What's wrong? [Rachel Green] Nothing... [Ross Geller] Seriously... What is it? [Rachel Green] Nothing... It's really... It's nothing... Come here, come here... [Ross Geller] What's wrong? [Rachel Green] Sorry, I just uhm... I can't seem to get Ross out of my head... [Joey Tribbiani] Well, maybe I can help. [Rachel Green] Ooh, your lips are so soft... Do that again... [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... we really need to talk to Ross... [Both] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] You guys ready to go? [Chandler Bing] Not quite. Monica's still at the salon, and I'm just finishing packing. [Ross Geller] Dude! You're not taking your Bible? [Chandler Bing] You're not supposed to take that. Besides, it's a New Testament, what are you gonna do with it? [Ross Geller] Learn about Jesus... [Ross Geller] Hey! [Charlie Wheeler] So, did you talk to Joey? [Ross Geller] Uh, no... no. I couldn't find him. I'm just gonna talk to him on the plane. [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah, sounds like a good idea... Dr. Geller! [Ross Geller] Stop it! [Charlie Wheeler] PHD. [Ross Geller] You're filthy! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, have you guys seen Monica? [Ross Geller] Uh, actually I think she went to the salon. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah, oh, she went to the salon alright... [Monica Geller] Check it out! [Phoebe Buffay] Who's day just got better? CHANDLER! [Chandler Bing] Hey!... aaaaaahhhh! [Monica Geller] What do you think? [Chandler Bing] I think.... I think I can see your scalp. [Monica Geller] Don't you just love it? [Ross Geller] Ye... Yeah... Yeah... You got shellfish in your head. [Charlie Wheeler] It's so... something... You go girlfriend! [Ross Geller] You've never said that in your life, have you? [Charlie Wheeler] Not once. [Ross Geller] I thought so. [Monica Geller] And listen to this... [Chandler Bing] What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Whoo, whoo. Wow, it's uhm... kinda weird that I'm sitting next to Charlie after we broke up. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, it's almost if Air Barbados doesn't care about your social life. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, does someone mind switching to sit with Charlie? [Ross Geller] Oh, I uh, I mean, I... dude, I spent the whole conference with Charlie. [Joey Tribbiani] I understand... [Ross Geller] No, I'll do it. [Chandler Bing] Wish I could switch with someone. I really don't wanna sit with Allen Iverson over there. [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm... You know, once we're in the air and the captain turns off the seatbelt sign... you feel free to roam about my cabin... [Mike Hannigan] You should be careful when checking your overhead bins, 'cause items may shift during... [Phoebe Buffay] Aaah... you're not good at this... [Mike Hannigan] You don't have to go home tonight, do you? [Phoebe Buffay] No, I think I can come over. It's Saturday, right? [Mike Hannigan] Oh... [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Mike Hannigan] Uhm... I can't do anything tonight. [Phoebe Buffay] Why not? [Mike Hannigan] I have a date. [Phoebe Buffay] You have a... You have a date? With who? [Mike Hannigan] Oh, it's... my girlfriend. [Phoebe Buffay] You have... have a girlfriend? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah... Well, when... you and I broke up I started seeing someone. [Phoebe Buffay] For how long? [Mike Hannigan] Three months. [Phoebe Buffay] Three months? Okay... This is probably none of my business, but uhm, how long do you think you're gonna keep seeing her? [Mike Hannigan] I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, okay... good. You do that. And then when you get home, maybe there'll be a special delivery package waiting for you. [Mike Hannigan] Maybe I'll sign for it. Tear it open. Pull out the packing material... [Phoebe Buffay] You know what, we're gonna have sex. Let's just leave it there. [Ross Geller] Right, I'm gonna go talk to Joey. I think this is the right time. He's always in a good mood after the flight attendant says "duty free". [Charlie Wheeler] Okay... Good luck. [Rachel Green] Ross is coming over. I think now would be a really good time to talk to him. [Joey Tribbiani] I guess so. I'm just... really nervous. [Rachel Green] Okay, well keep in mind that by the time you're done, they'll probably be serving dinner. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh... [Rachel Green] Still nervous? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm gonna get the lasagna. [Ross Geller] Hey Rach... [Rachel Green] Yeah! [Ross Geller] Do you mind if I sit here for a sec.? [Rachel Green] Yeah, yeah sure! Yeah! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] So, I uhm... kinda need to talk to you about Charlie. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah? [Ross Geller] Okay, last night after you guys broke up... so sorry to hear about that, by the way... Well, Charlie and I were talking, and..., well... [Joey Tribbiani] You kissed. [Ross Geller] Wha... What? What would give you that idea? [Joey Tribbiani] I saw you. [Ross Geller] Yeah, we kissed, but... nothing else... nothing else happened, okay. [Joey Tribbiani] Ross, Ross, Ross... It's okay. [Ross Geller] What? [Joey Tribbiani] It's okay. You know, I totally understand, alright? You guys, make way more sense than her and I ever did, you know. And... I want you to be happy. [Ross Geller] Are you serious? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... Now I have something... [Ross Geller] I am speachless... I mean the fact that you would put my happiness first like that. I mean, you're an incredible friend, you know that? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh... uh... look... before you... [Ross Geller] No, I mean it. You are so loyal man, and selfless, and generous... [Joey Tribbiani] I am those things, yeah. [Ross Geller] You know what? I know Chandler longer, so I always think of him as my best friend, but now... I may have to rethink some stuff... [Joey Tribbiani] Dude! [Ross Geller] Hey, if there is ever, anything I can do for you... [Joey Tribbiani] I can't think of anything. [Ross Geller] Thanks! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Rachel Green] So hi! [Ross Geller] Hi! [Rachel Green] So you eh, you talked to Joey? [Ross Geller] Ah, yeah. We had a really good talk. [Rachel Green] Oh! That's great! [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Rachel Green] Oh, so everything's okay? [Ross Geller] Oh, no, it's great. It's great. He is... He is an amazing guy. [Rachel Green] Ah... Well, obviously I think so too. [Ross Geller] Well, I'm so excited about this. [Rachel Green] Really? Excited? [Ross Geller] Are you kidding? I have had some very dirty dreams about this... [Rachel Green] Excuse me! You didn't tell him, did you? [Joey Tribbiani] I couldn't. He was saying all these really nice things about me. I didn't want him to get mad and take 'em all back. I'm on a edge on Chandler. [Rachel Green] Oh God! Alright, fine. You know what Joey, forget it. When we go back to New York, I will tell him. [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi, Mike's place. [Mike Hannigan] Hey, it's Mike. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, that was fast. [Mike Hannigan] Oh, err... no, she's not here yet. You know, I think I'm just gonna take off and break up with her over the phone... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you can't do that! Oh, come on Mike, strap on a pair.Why don't you just tell her that we got back together. You know, women appreciate honesty. We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while. Just F.Y.I. [Mike Hannigan] One more thing... There... might be a picture of Precious on my coffee table. [Phoebe Buffay] Her name is Precious? Is she a purebreed or did you pick her up at the pound? [Mike Hannigan] Anyway, I just wanna give you a heads up. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout. [Precious] Hi, I'm Precious, who are you? [Phoebe Buffay] I... I'm Phoebe. [Precious] Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe? [Phoebe Buffay] Enchante. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh, I can't wait for everyone at work to see these... Ow! [Chandler Bing] You go back to work tomorrow night, right? [Monica Geller] Yeah! [Chandler Bing] So if you want people to see them, then by definition you're not having them taken out... say, at the break of dawn? [Monica Geller] Well, if I had them taken out, then I wouldn't be able to do this. You like that, right? [Chandler Bing] What are you singing? [Monica Geller] It's "Bolero" from "10". [Chandler Bing] It's "Ride of the Valkyries" from "Apocalypse Now"... See, Here's The Thing The corn rose were really a solution to your frizzy hair problem. And now that we're home, we don't have that problem anymore, so if you think about it... I hate them! [Monica Geller] You what? You said you liked them. [Chandler Bing] Did I? Let's refresh. I believe what I said was that I could see your scalp. [Monica Geller] Fine, so you don't like them. Everybody else does. [Chandler Bing] Again, let's journey back... As I recall what Rachel said, was she had never notice the shape of your skull before. And Joey... Well, Joey didn't realise that there was anything different. [Monica Geller] You know what? I don't care. I like it like this, and I'm gonna keep it. You're just jealous because your hair can't do this... OUCH! [Chandler Bing] Hit yourself in the tooth? [Monica Geller] And the eye! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi... There she is. Hi Emma. Oh my God, I missed you. Oh Emma, I missed you so much. Hey... Did you have a good time with grandma Green? Huh? Did she give you a bottle of anti-depressants again to use as a rattle? [Rachel Green] That was one time, Ross, and they were only like 5 milligrams. [Ross Geller] Ooh hey, Emma, daddy has some presents for you okay? Okay? I want you to wait right here. Come here sweetie. [Rachel Green] Aaah... Ross, actually there's something that I really need to talk to you about. [Ross Geller] Okay, shoot! [Rachel Green] Okay, uhm... alright, here's the deal. [Ross Geller] OH NO! [Rachel Green] What? What is it? [Ross Geller] Oh, major shampoo explosion! [Rachel Green] Uh, look Ross, this really isn't easy. [Ross Geller] Oh, it's all over everything. Why? Why me? [Rachel Green] Because you took three hundred bottles of shampoo? [Ross Geller] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You were saying? [Rachel Green] Well, yeah... Okay, look it's about me and... [Ross Geller] Oh, not another one! Oh my G... And this is moisturiser. It's even harder to clean! Why? Why do bad things happen to good people? [Rachel Green] Wow! Well, clearly this is not a good time. [Ross Geller] Duh, you think? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, bye. Alright, so Mike's on his way over. See, you thought you guys were meeting here, and he thought you were meeting at the restaurant, so you know... Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong. Point is... I'm gonna take off. [Precious] I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what's going on here. I mean, are you guys getting back together or something? [Phoebe Buffay] Alright... Susie, can I call you Susie? [Precious] My name is Precious. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I can't say that. uhm... Susie, I'm gonna be straight with you... Mike and I are back together... and uhm... unfortunately that effectively ends your relationship with him. And he's very sorry about that and wishes you the best of luck in all your endeavours. [Precious] I just can't believe this... Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I don't... [Precious] Oh, why would he do this? I mean, what's wrong with me? [Phoebe Buffay] Nothing, there's nothing wrong with you. [Precious] I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now? [Phoebe Buffay] Damn it woman, pull yourself together! Have some pride, for the love of God. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, not a fan of the tough love. [Precious] I just can't believe that Mike didn't give me any warning. [Phoebe Buffay] But he didn't really know, you know. He wasn't planning on coming to Barbados and proposing to me... [Precious] He proposed to you? This is the worst birthday ever. [Phoebe Buffay] Look, Precious... Mike's not worth this. You're an attractive, intelligent woman and let's face it, Mike's kind of a wang. I mean, he proposed to me while he was still seeing you... He was gonna break-up with you on your birthday? And, I don't like to kiss-and-tell, but he cheated on you a lot this weekend. [Precious] Oh, my God, maybe you're right. Maybe I don't need him. I deserve to be treated with respect. [Precious] Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell. [Phoebe Buffay] You're welcome! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Honey, you've been in there for a long time... Is everything okay? [Monica Geller] Not really. [Monica Geller] I have a problem. [Chandler Bing] Really? What happened? [Monica Geller] Well, I was dancing around, and singing "No Woman, No Cry" and I got stuck. [Chandler Bing] You can't move at all? [Monica Geller] Oh, well, I can move... [Chandler Bing] If I untangle you, will you please get rid of the corn rose? [Monica Geller] I guess so... [Chandler Bing] Some of these look a little frayed. [Monica Geller] Yeah, I tried to gnaw myself free. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] So, did you err... did you tell Ross? [Rachel Green] Well, I tried, but then he had a shampoo related emergency. So I guess now it's your turn again. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... I think it's better if you tell him, you know. It's easier for a woman. That way, you know, if he gets mad, all you have to do is go... I didn't mean it. I'm so so--ooory. [Rachel Green] Yeah, 'cause that's what we do. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, alright, okay, uhm... How 'bout this, how about this? Tomorrow... tomorrow we'll both go and we'll tell him together. [Rachel Green] Okay, that sounds fair. It just means that once again we can't... [Joey Tribbiani] I know, I know..., but that's okay. I mean, we can control ourselves, we're not animals. [Rachel Green] No! Of course we can wait. Alright, so I guess that means good night then? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! Good night! [Rachel Green] Goo--ood night! [Joey Tribbiani] Good night! [Rachel Green] Seriously, good night! [Joey Tribbiani] Stop saying good night. [Rachel Green] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Look what I found in the drawer... And you said I'd never wear this... [Chandler Bing] Now that I untangled you, how 'bout you doing a little something for me? [Monica Geller] Sure, what do you have in mind? [Chandler Bing] I think you know. [Monica Geller] Really? I don't really feel like it. [Chandler Bing] This is what I want to do. [Monica Geller] Okay, I just don't get why you like it so much. [Chandler Bing] She's an FBI agent, posing as a beauty contestant.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e01", "title": "The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Ross is Fine [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, Ross, I realise that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but.. Let me explain, okay? [Rachel Green] We weren't doing anything! [Joey Tribbiani] Rach, he just saw us. [Rachel Green] Shhh. [Joey Tribbiani] But what you saw, that is the extent of it, okay? One kiss. [Rachel Green] No, come on, that is a lie. We also kissed in Barbados. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, chill! Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie. [Rachel Green] Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, we probably should have talked to you about this before it ever happened, but.. [Rachel Green] We feel so terrible about this, Ross. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, but it did happen, so... [Joey Tribbiani] Ross? [Rachel Green] Ross? Can we just close the door? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Ross, say something. Anything. [Ross Geller] So you two are..? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Ross Geller] And have you .. ed? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no! [Rachel Green] No, no, no! [Ross Geller] But if I hadn't walked in here, would you..? [Joey Tribbiani] Probably. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no! [Rachel Green] Ross, this is not how we wanted you to find out about this. You have every right to go nuts. [Ross Geller] I'm not going nuts. Do you see me go nuts? [Rachel Green] No, but you know what I mean. [Ross Geller] Hey, hey, hey... If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. I'm fine! [Joey Tribbiani] Really? [Ross Geller] Absolutely. I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine. I'm not saying I wasn't a little surprised to see you guys kissing. I mean, at first I was like.. But now that I've had time to absorb it; Lovin' this. [Joey Tribbiani] Ross.. [Ross Geller] It's all working out! Me & Charlie, and you two. You know what we should do? [Rachel Green] Calm ourselves? [Ross Geller] No. We should all have dinner. Yes, we'll do it tomorrow night. I'll cook!! [Joey Tribbiani] Look, don't you think that will be a little weird? [Ross Geller] Weird? What? What's weird? The only thing weird would be if someone didn't like Mexican food, because I'm making fajitas!! [Joey Tribbiani] I do like fajitas. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] God, this adoption stuff is so overwhelming. There's inter-country adoption, dependency adoption.. There are so many ways to go, and this is like the biggest decision of our lives. [Chandler Bing] There's a hair in my coffee. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey guys! [Monica Geller] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, have you seen Frank Jr., 'cause he's meeting me here with the triplets. [Chandler Bing] You know, it's funny. Every time you say "triplets," I immediately think of three hot blonde 19-year olds. [Monica Geller] That's sweet. Drink your hair. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, what's all this stuff? [Monica Geller] Oh, they're brochures from different adoption agencies. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, babies! Oh, this one is so cute, get this one! [Monica Geller] That's not really how it works. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, how does it work? [Monica Geller] I don't know! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, if you're having a hard time, you should talk to my friends, Bill and Colleen. They adopted a kid. I'm sure they'd help you. [Monica Geller] Thanks, that would be great. Hey, honey, wouldn't that be great? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Alright, alright, alright. Remember what we talked about. When we're in a public place, there are certain rules. [Frank Buffay Jr.] That's not what we talked about!! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Frank Buffay Jr.] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Good to see you. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Good to see you, too. [Monica Geller] Hi Frank. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Hi, how you doin'? [Monica Geller] Oh, my goodness, they've all gotten so big! [Monica Geller] Which one is which again? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him. [Monica Geller] "Willing to adopt triplets?" No! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, can I just say I know we're doing this for Ross, and that's cool, but if it was up to me, this is not what we'd be doing on our first date. [Rachel Green] Well, what would we be doing? [Joey Tribbiani] I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home... [Rachel Green] Feel me up? [Joey Tribbiani] In a carriage! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, Charlie! [Rachel Green] Hey. [Charlie Wheeler] Hi, hi. So.. Dreading this? [Rachel Green] Oh, you bet. [Joey Tribbiani] So, did you bring a little something for Ross? [Charlie Wheeler] Actually.. It's stuff you left at my apartment. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh. Oh, thanks. [Charlie Wheeler] And you know, you can just give me my stuff whenever you want. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I didn't throw any of that out.. [Ross Geller] I thought I heard voices! Hi Charlie! Hi Joey. And.. Oh! You're gonna have to introduce me to your new girlfriend. I'm just kidding, I know Rachel, I know. Come, please come in. Come in. [Rachel Green] Okay, well, we brought you some wine. [Ross Geller] Oh! That is so thoughtful. She's a keeper. And what did you bring me? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, actually, that's.. [Ross Geller] Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!! [Charlie Wheeler] Gosh, Ross, you know, you seem a little... [Ross Geller] What? Fine? Because I am! Aren't you? Aren't you? Aren't you? You see? Who else is fine? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, listen, hey, Ross. Why don't you try to relax, okay? Maybe have a drink. [Ross Geller] You know what? That is a very good idea. I'm gonna go make a pitcher of Margaritas. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, god. So adorable. Look at them sleeping there like angels. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Yeah, I really cherish these moments, 'cause before you know it, they're gonna be awake again. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, god, the last time I babysat them, they did the funniest thing.. [Frank Buffay Jr.] I haven't slept in four years! [Phoebe Buffay] That's a, that's a long time. [Frank Buffay Jr.] You just don't know how hard it is, Phoebe. There's just so many of them. You know, two I can handle. Two's great. You just hold one in each hand, but what do I do when the third one runs at me with his bike helmet on. I've got no more hands to protect my area! There's three of them, Phoebe, three! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I know, Frank. I counted them when they were coming out of my area. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Sometimes I think that.. Oh, no, no, no, I can't say it, it's too horrible. No. [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Frank Buffay Jr.] No, I can't. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my god, Frank, are you thinking of leaving? Because I didn't have those triplets so you could just run out on them! [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, no! I would never do that. No. I just was thinking that, you know, maybe you could take one. [Phoebe Buffay] What?! You can't separate them! That's terrible. Which one? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Thank you so much for seeing us. Phoebe has told us such great things about you guys. [Colleen] Oh, please, we're happy to help. [Bill] We went through the same thing when we were adopting. [Chandler Bing] So, a lot of malfunctioning wee-wees and hoo-hoos in this room, huh? [Chandler Bing] I mean, you have a lovely home. [Monica Geller] Well, we appreciate anything you can tell us. [Colleen] Well, actually, I think this might help. [Colleen] It's pretty much all the information you need. [Monica Geller] Oh my god! [Colleen] Everything is broken down into categories, and then cross-referenced, and then colour-coded to correspond with the forms in the back. [Monica Geller] Thank you. I think I just had a tiny orgasm. [Bill] I know the process is frustrating, but it's so worth it. Adopting Owen was the best thing that ever happened to us. [Chandler Bing] That's great. Can I see the book? [Chandler Bing] You want me to wash my hands first, don't you? [Monica Geller] It's.. It's just so pretty and white. [Colleen] The bathroom is down the hall, to your left. [Colleen] I would have told him to do it too. [Monica Geller] Can I adopt you? [Chandler Bing] Hey, you must be Owen. [Owen] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too. [Owen] You were? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother. [Owen] Huh? [Chandler Bing] You know how to use a compass? [Owen] I have a badge in it. [Chandler Bing] You do? That's fantastic! [Owen] You wanna see it? [Chandler Bing] I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you. [Owen] What?!? [Chandler Bing] What? [Owen] I'm adopted? [Chandler Bing] I got nothing. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood. [Rachel Green] Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some. [Ross Geller] Oh, guys, this is fun, isn't it? You know? Just the four of us. Just hangin'. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, are you okay? And when are the fajitas gonna be ready? [Ross Geller] I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just.. I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension. [Rachel Green] No awareness. [Ross Geller] We make a great foursome. We should do more stuff together. Ooh! Let's take a trip. Okay, where do you think we - we can go? [Ross Geller] My fajitas!! [Rachel Green] Look, Charlie, I just want you to know. Ross is just having a little trouble adjusting to the thought of Joey and me. You know, he normally doesn't drink like this. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, you know what? This is nothing. My father is a raging alcoholic. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, I'm sorry, have I made this evening uncomfortable? [Ross Geller] Fajitas! Be careful, very hot plate, very hot plate!! [Rachel Green] Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on! [Ross Geller] That is gonna hurt tomorrow! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, well, this is crazy. Can't seriously be talking about me taking one of your kids, can we? [Frank Buffay Jr.] No, of course we're not. [Phoebe Buffay] Insane. [Frank Buffay Jr.] I know. [Phoebe Buffay] Alice would never go for it, right? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, I don't know, she's pretty tired, too, I think we've got her onboard. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, just you know, for argument's sake, you know, hypothetically. Which one would you be willing to give up? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Huh. [Phoebe Buffay] Frank Jr.Jr.? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, you'd be getting a really good one. I mean, you know, he's really funny. Like, the other day he made up this joke. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-huh. [Frank Buffay Jr.] What's green and says "hey, I'm a frog"? A talking frog! Oh, no, you can't have him, he's too funny. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, alright, that's fine. What about Leslie? [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, no, no. Not Leslie. No, she's, she's the only one that knows how to burp the alphabet. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, so that leaves Chandler. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, no, no, you can't have Chandler, no. No, no. She's my little genius. I got big hopes for her. She's gonna be a doctor or a realtor.. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, Frank. I think we just ran out of kids. [Frank Buffay Jr.] Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't realise things were so bad. You know, I'll help out more. I can - I can babysit any time you want. You name the day, and I'll be there. [Frank Buffay Jr.] How about tomorrow? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, that's not good. But you know, I can move some stuff around, and I'll be there. You and Alice just take the whole day together. [Frank Buffay Jr.] You'd do that for us? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding? That's what sisters are for. Frank Jr. : Look at them! Aw. I love you so much. Oh crap, don't wake up, don't wake up! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Where are Bill and Colleen? [Monica Geller] They're in the kitchen getting something to eat. Can you believe how nice they are? [Chandler Bing] We have to leave!! [Monica Geller] Why? What did you do in the bathroom? [Chandler Bing] I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him. [Monica Geller] Oh my god, where's my purse? No, you know what? I can replace everything in there. Get that binder, and let's go! [Colleen] Hey. [Bill] Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen. [Colleen] I'll go get him in a second. By the way, you should know we haven't told him he's adopted yet. [Chandler Bing] But kids are so intuitive. Don't you think on some level he already knows? [Owen] I'm adopted?! [Chandler Bing] See? Intuitive! [Bill] What? Where did you hear that? [Owen] He told me! And he paid me 50 dollars not to tell. [Chandler Bing] Which technically now you should give back! [Colleen] You told him he's adopted? [Chandler Bing] I'm so sorry, but you should have a sign out there or something. Or at least whisper it to people when they come in the door. "Owen doesn't know he's adopted, and he also thinks that Santa is real." [Owen] He isn't?! [Chandler Bing] We have to get out of here, baby! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Everyone? I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey. [Rachel Green] Ooy. [Ross Geller] And to love. Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love? [Rachel Green] Oh my god, are we supposed to answer? [Ross Geller] O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, are you okay? [Ross Geller] Totally. [Rachel Green] Ross, you don't seem okay. [Ross Geller] I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan. [Charlie Wheeler] Wait, Ross. Ross. I - I have to take off. [Ross Geller] No! [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely. [Ross Geller] Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel. [Charlie Wheeler] You're on fire! I'll call you in the morning, okay? [Ross Geller] Okay. [Charlie Wheeler] Alright. [Charlie Wheeler] God, Rachel, what Ross just said that is just so.. [Rachel Green] Oh, that's okay, girls tend not to like me. [Charlie Wheeler] Bye. [Ross Geller] Okay, I guess it's just flan for three! Hey, hey, that rhymed! [Rachel Green] You know what, Ross? I think we're gonna take off too. [Ross Geller] Oh, oh. Of course. God, I'm so stupid. You guys are a couple now. I mean, you probably just want to be alone. [Rachel Green] No, no, it's just that it's getting late... [Ross Geller] Hey, hey, it's fine. It's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas. It's all good. [Ross Geller] I don't even know what that's for. [Joey Tribbiani] You know what? I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay. [Rachel Green] Yeah, that's probably a good idea. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. I'll see you in the morning. [Rachel Green] Uh-huh. Okay. You know what, Joey, I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this. [Joey Tribbiani] It doesn't look good, does it? --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Morning. Here you go. [Ross Geller] Thanks. Did you stay here all night? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Ross Geller] So you took off my pants and shoes? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen. [Ross Geller] What do you mean? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly.. [Ross Geller] Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine! [Joey Tribbiani] It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're.. You're Ross and Rachel. [Ross Geller] Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long? [Joey Tribbiani] That's what I hear, yeah. [Ross Geller] This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel? [Joey Tribbiani] Come on, I mean, you know me, you know... [Ross Geller] Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm crazy about her. [Ross Geller] And she feels the same way? [Joey Tribbiani] I think so. [Ross Geller] Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it. [Ross Geller] No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me. Are you sure about this? [Ross Geller] Yeah, I'm sure. [Joey Tribbiani] And we're okay? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey, Phoebs. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Monica Geller] Uhm, we just wanna give you a heads-up. Bill and Colleen hate us. [Chandler Bing] Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him. [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Still, he had to find out sometime. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them? [Chandler Bing] I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e02", "title": "The One Where Ross is Fine"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Ross's Tan [Chandler Bing] So, you and Rachel tonight, huh? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. It's actually our first official date. [Chandler Bing] Wow! So tonight may be the night! You're nervous? [Joey Tribbiani] Naa, no. This is the part I'm actually good at. [Chandler Bing] What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing. [Joey Tribbiani] It's OK! [Chandler Bing] How can you be so confident? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I... I know exactly what I'm gonna do! [Chandler Bing] Really? Like you have a routine? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no no no no. See. Each woman is different.You have to appreciate their uniqueness. [Chandler Bing] Really? [Joey Tribbiani] No, I do six things! First, I look deep in her eyes. Then, I kiss her. Next I take my hand and I softly graze her thigh. [Chandler Bing] You mean like this? [Joey Tribbiani] NO! Not like that, no no. No, like this. [Chandler Bing] Oh, I see what you mean, that's quite nice. [Joey Tribbiani] More foosball? [Chandler Bing] ...and beer!! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey sweetie! [Ross Geller] WOW! [Chandler Bing] Hey! Stop staring at my wife's legs! No no! Stop staring at your sister's legs! [Ross Geller] I'm sorry, it's just... how did you get so tan? [Chandler Bing] She went on one of those spray-on tan places. [Ross Geller] Eh, you got a spray-on tan? [Monica Geller] Chandler gets pedicures! [Ross Geller] Why, why you do, like with the-the toe separators? [Chandler Bing] Why...why? [Ross Geller] Still, I can't believe that's sprayed on... I mean, it looks really good. I wonder if I should get one! [Chandler Bing] Sure, then you should get a mini skirt so you can really show it off. [Ross Geller] So, do you get colours or just French tips? [Monica Geller] There. Here's their card. [Ross Geller] Thanks. Hey, I know where this place is! It used to be an X-rated video... florist. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey Pheebs! [Monica Geller] Hey Phoebe! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you won't believe who moved back to town. [Monica Geller] I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me too! She's the worst! [Chandler Bing] Who's Amanda? [Monica Geller] She's this girl who used to live in the building before you did. Then she moved to England and she picked up this fake British accent. On the machine this is her message. "Monica, darling! It's Amanda calling!" [Chandler Bing] Are you trying to do a British accent? [Monica Geller] Chandler gets pedicures! [Chandler Bing] Just so I know, how many more of those can I expect? [Phoebe Buffay] You know what Amanda said to me when she got me on the phone? "Oh, so sorry to catch you on your Mo-Bile!" If-if you don't wanna get me on my mo-Bile, don't call me on my mo-Bile!" [Monica Geller] I know, and she's always bragging about all the famous people she's met. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I know! "Oh...I slept with Billy Joel". All right, who hasn't? [Monica Geller] Oh, what are we gonna do! I don't wanna see her!! [Phoebe Buffay] Ugh, Let's just cut her out! [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Cut her out of our lives! Just ignore her calls and dodge her 'till she gets the point! [Monica Geller] Oh, I guess we could try that, but... it seems so harsh! Have you ever done that? [Chandler Bing] No, had it done to me though. Feels good ! --------------------------------------- [Assistant] Alright Mr. Geller! Right this way! So, how dark do you wanna be? We have one, two or three. [Ross Geller] Well... I like how you look, what are you? [Assistant] Puerto Rican. [Ross Geller] Two, I think a two. [Assistant] You've got to face the red light. When the red light goes on the spraying is about to start so close your eyes. When the spraying stops, count to five. Pat yourself down to avoid drip marks then turn around so we can get your back. Got it? [Ross Geller] Spray, count, pat, then turn, spray, count and pat. [Assistant] Wow, you catch on quick. [Ross Geller] Well, I have a PhD, so... [Ross Geller] One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three Mis... WAIT! WAIT! I'm not-I've not finished counting!! [Ross Geller] You sprayed my front twice! [Assistant] You've never turned? [Ross Geller] No, I barely even got to three Mississippi. [Assistant] Mississippi? I said count to five'! [Ross Geller] Mississippilesly? Well, how bad is it? [Assistant] Ain't that bad yet, but it keeps getting darker for the next four hours. [Ross Geller] So, how dark is it gonna get? [Assistant] You got sprayed with two two' s and... [Ross Geller] I'm a four? [Assistant] Yeah, but you're back's a zero. You're gonna wanna even that out. [Ross Geller] Really! [Assistant] You might wanna get back in there. [Ross Geller] Ok! [Ross Geller] Wait, wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall! How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello? Ah, oh, ah! Ah! The same thing happened again! [Assistant] You got two more twos? [Ross Geller] I'm an eight! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Thanks for dinner. [Joey Tribbiani] I thought you paid. Ha, guess we won't be going back there! [Rachel Green] So. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey what do you say, we move this onto the likes of the couch? [Rachel Green] I say 'cheesy line', but ok. [Joey Tribbiani] What's the matter? [Rachel Green] I am sorry, I don't know, I am sorry, I don't know why I did that! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Rachel Green] Ok, so sorry. [Rachel Green] I am sorry! Again... I don't know, I don't know what happened, I must be nervous! [Joey Tribbiani] I don't get it, Chandler loved it! [Rachel Green] Ok, ok, ok. I promise, I promise, I promise, I won't do it again. I really do. I promise. This is gonna be great. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, was that good for you? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] No, no, don't get it. Let the machine pick up. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could baby-sit again. [Monica Geller] It could be Amanda! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you're right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Hello Monica. It's Amanda calling again. I am in the neighborhood hoping I can pop by your flat! [Monica Geller] You're from Yonkers! Your last name is Buffo-Martisis! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Let's see.. to assure you get this directly, ring me back on my mobile. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, don't hold thy breath! [Chandler Bing] Hello? Is someone on the line? [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Yes, I was looking for Monica. [Chandler Bing] Hang on, she's right here. Someone's on the phone, for ya. [Monica Geller] We weren't picking up, it's Amanda! [Chandler Bing] I get pedicures! [Monica Geller] Hi Amanda! Actually now... it's... is not a good time. Dinner tomorrow night? Ok, Phoebe and I will see you then! [Phoebe Buffay] Why, why, why didn't you just say no! [Monica Geller] Well, I said 'no' to her coming over now! I couldn't say 'no' twice! I get this uncontrollable need to please people! [Phoebe Buffay] Fine, fine! You would not hold up well under torture! [Monica Geller] And you would? [Phoebe Buffay] I did! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Rach, you sure you wanna do this? [Rachel Green] Absolutely! Absolutely. I d... it's just a little weird, it's you, and it's me, it's just gonna take some getting used to. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. Well, how, how can we make it easier? [Rachel Green] Ok, let's work from the top down! Just work the bra, Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, yeah, got it. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Joey Tribbiani] This thing welded shut?! [Rachel Green] Okay. [Joey Tribbiani] All right, turn around, I got to get a look at this thing. [Rachel Green] Oh! [Rachel Green] Ow! [Joey Tribbiani] Sorry! [Rachel Green] Well this is romantic! [Joey Tribbiani] I'm sorry! This never happened to me before! I'm an expert at taking off bras! I can do it with one hand! I can do it with my eyes closed! One time I just looked at one, and it popped open! I blame your bra! [Rachel Green] It's a standard issue bra clasp! [Joey Tribbiani] Then I blame you! Yeah! That's right! You threw me off with all your slapping! [Rachel Green] Ok well, well I'm really, I'm sorry about that Joey, but do you think that maybe on some level, you don't want to take off my bra? [Joey Tribbiani] NAH! I don't have another level!! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hold on! There is something different. [Ross Geller] I went to that tanning place your wife suggested. [Chandler Bing] Was that place... The Sun? [Ross Geller] Oh! And it gets worse! [Chandler Bing] Oh My God! You can do a duet of Ebony and Ivory all by yourself! [Monica Geller] How could you mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth, you count to five and you turn around!! [Ross Geller] How do you count to five? [Monica Geller] One Two Three... [Ross Geller] Damnit! [Rachel Green] oooh! Oh oh! [Ross Geller] I Know! [Rachel Green] oh oh! What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic? [Chandler Bing] How was your date with Joey? [Rachel Green] Well, it was good.. until we got back to our apartment, and then we were fooling around and he started to put his hand up my leg and I kept slapping it away! [Chandler Bing] You didn't like that? [Rachel Green] Well, it wasn't just me, alright? He freaked out too! He couldn't even undo my bra! [Monica Geller] Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open. [Rachel Green] I do not know what's wrong with us, I mean, we have kissed before and that's been great! But this time it was leading somewhere and I was very aware of the fact that it was Joey touching me. [Monica Geller] Well, you guys have been friends forever. Remember the first time that you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop laughing? You got through that. [Rachel Green] Ok, that's true. That's true, we can do this. You're right, you're right, we can do this. We're just gonna power through! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Chandler can I talk to you for a second . [Rachel Green] No need!! Problem solved, we are powering through . [Monica Geller] Chandler, stop! It is not going to pop open! [Chandler Bing] You don't know! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey Phoebe! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Is Amanda here yet? [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Monica Geller] Oh good. Good, look I'm so sorry, for screwing up that cutting-her-out plan. But I have a new plan. Chandler agreed to call here in a few minutes with an emergency. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! Well, what kind of emergency that gets us both out of here? [Monica Geller] Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding, I love it! [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! [Monica Geller] Hi! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Hi! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Hello! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] It's so nice to see you! Both of you! Look at me. Look how young I look! Oh gosh! We have so much to catch up on! But first things first: touch my abs I don't exercise at all! Oh gosh, so Monica, you're married! [Monica Geller] Yeah! Yeah! His name is Chandler and... [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Smell my neck! It's not perfume! It's me! It's my natural scent! [Phoebe Buffay] Musty! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Oh! Gosh! This is brilliant. Gosh, it's just like old times. I'm so happy you two are friends again! [Monica Geller] When were we not friends? [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Well, it was 1992, and I remember because that was the year I had sex with Evil Knievel . [Monica Geller] Ehm, we were friends in 1992. [Amanda Buffamonteezi] No I distinctly remember you were dodging her calls and trying to avoid seeing her. [Monica Geller] You were going to cut me out? [Phoebe Buffay] Well...kinda. [Monica Geller] Oh My God! [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Oh! Bugger. Should I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah well, in America you're just an "ass". [Monica Geller] Hello? Chandler, what's wrong? Oh my God, are you alright? Yeah, I'll be right there. I'm so sorry, but Chandler was in a car accident. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God. Was Mike with him? [Monica Geller] Nope! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hey! Got champagne? [Joey Tribbiani] Yes ma'am, ready to Power through! [Rachel Green] Excellent! Stick it in the ice bucket, the phone is off the hook, and in the interest of powering through ... [Joey Tribbiani] Uh! [Rachel Green] Ok Sexy, sexy, very sexy, sexy. Alright! Lets do it! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, you're scaring me a little bit. [Rachel Green] Oh! Get over it soldier, we've gotta do this! Ok. Aha! You like that huh? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! yeah! [Rachel Green] You like that? Let's take this into high gear. [Joey Tribbiani] uh uh! [Rachel Green] Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it! [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no! You kneed me in my misters! [Rachel Green] What? Oh my God! I'm so sorry. Joey? Are you ok? [Joey Tribbiani] Soldier down! [Monica Geller] We are not friends with Phoebe anymore. [Chandler Bing] If she asks, I protested a little, but ok! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute? [Monica Geller] I have nothing to say to you. [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Wow, my flat is twice this size! [Phoebe Buffay] Please, Monica? In the hall? [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Ooh, that accident must have been terrible. You look positively ghastly. [Chandler Bing] Well, aren't you a treat. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] I can't believe you tried to cut me out. Why Phoebe, why? [Phoebe Buffay] It was right after we were living together and you were driving me crazy, okay? You were really controlling and compulsive and shrill. [Monica Geller] I'm still all those things! [Phoebe Buffay] You're also so generous and kind and scrappy! [Monica Geller] I am scrappy. [Phoebe Buffay] Exactly! Look, no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't keep you out of my life. Of all the people I have cut out, you were the only one who ever clawed her way back in. [Monica Geller] It's because I'm scrappy. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you are. And I'm so glad that you fought your way back in, because I don't know what I would do without you. [Monica Geller] I won't know what I would do without you. [Monica Geller] Well, I guess we should go back in. When you gave me another chance, I guess we should do the same for Amanda. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I guess you're right. [Amanda Buffamonteezi] Can you believe it. I've never had any professional dance training. --------------------------------------- [Glenda] Now, let me explain how this works. You go into the booth, and... [Ross Geller] I'm gonna stop you right there, Glenda. Okay? Does it look like this is my first time, huh? Now I want 4 two's... and I want them all on my back. [Glenda] Okay... [Ross Geller] Wait a minute, there's two sets of nozzles, which one is it? [Ross Geller] Which... which... which... Which one is it? [Ross Geller] OH! SON OF A BITCH! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] What is the matter with us? [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I know what's the matter with me. [Rachel Green] No, I mean with us, you know. I mean, is it supposed to be this... difficult? [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know. [Chandler Bing] That fake British woman is a real bitch, but she sure can dance... Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! Hey, listen, can we ask you a question? When you and Monica first hooked up, was it weird going from friends to... more than that? [Chandler Bing] Kinda... you know, sneaking around, having to hide from you guys... [Rachel Green] No, no, no... No, I mean... se-x-u-ally... [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, was there a part of you that... felt like it was... really wrong? [Chandler Bing] Actually, no. No, it felt right. You know, it felt like uhm... I can't believe we haven't been doing this the whole time. [Chandler Bing] I can tell from your expressions that that's the good news you were hoping for... Well, I'm gonna go continue to... spread the joy. [Rachel Green] Well, just because it happened that way for them doesn't mean it has to happen that way for us. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah... Absolutely. I mean, just because something's difficult doesn't mean that you quit. [Rachel Green] Right, totally. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, so we just keep trying and trying until we... do it. [Rachel Green] Yeah, and if doesn't work, then we'll be just one of those couples that never have sex. [Joey Tribbiani] That's a... pla-an. [Joey Tribbiani] Wow... I did not see this coming. [Rachel Green] I know. [Joey Tribbiani] I don't get it. I mean, I was so sure this was what I wanted. [Rachel Green] Hmmm... Me too... [Rachel Green] I wonder how Monica and Chandler could do it? [Joey Tribbiani] I guess they weren't as good friends as we are. [Rachel Green] Aah... I bet you're right. [Joey Tribbiani] So... [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] I love ya. [Rachel Green] Love you too... Alright, I'm going to bed. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, me too. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh, yeah, I'm not going anywhere for a while. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Dude, it's Chandler. Let me in. [Ross Geller] Go away! I don't want to see anybody. [Chandler Bing] I know, I went to the tanning place and the same thing happened to me. You have to let me in. [Ross Geller] Really? Did you count Mississipily? [Ross Geller] Dude, you're not tanned. [Chandler Bing] No, I just had to get a picture of this. [Chandler Bing] I see you later! end.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e03", "title": "The One With Ross's Tan"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Cake [Monica Geller] Hey guys! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend. [Monica Geller] That place in Vermont? You can take a hint! [Rachel Green] Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday! [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Rachel Green] We're having a party. [Monica Geller] Well, can't you just have the party when we get back? [Ross Geller] No. [Rachel Green] No, that day... that won't be her real birthday! [Chandler Bing] Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was! [Ross Geller] C'mon you guys, this is really important to us. [Monica Geller] Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect... emotionally. [Chandler Bing] There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim... [Rachel Green] Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day? [Ross Geller] Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your doing weird sex stuff to my little sister. [Rachel Green] And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle! [Monica Geller] All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party. [Chandler Bing] Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party... [Monica Geller] Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all. [Phoebe Buffay] Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food! [Ross Geller] Hey guys! [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. [Rachel Green] Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule! [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people! [Ross Geller] That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet? [Rachel Green] Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon. [Ross Geller] Ah, and where is Joey? [Rachel Green] I said it's still nap time. [Ross Geller] Hey, there is uncle Joey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday! [Joey Tribbiani] 18, uh? [Ross Geller] Joey, NO! [Joey Tribbiani] What, what!? it's for her hot friends! [Ross Geller] When they see this you'll be 52! [Joey Tribbiani] And starting to think about settling down! [Rachel Green] Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on? [Joey Tribbiani] I'd love to! Yeah! [Joey Tribbiani] We were supposed to bring presents? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! I wrote Emma a song. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, it's a birthday party. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! Yeah... that's a funny cup! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl? [Rachel Green] Oh, she's still napping. [Chandler Bing] Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening. [Rachel Green] Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again. [Monica Geller] All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started! [Rachel Green] No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up. [Monica Geller] Are you freaking kidding me, Green? [Jack Geller] HI! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] So glad you came! [Jack Geller] I can't believe Emma is already one! [Judy Geller] I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We had to take him to the emergency room! [Ross Geller] There's something you didn't know about your dad! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that. [Jack Geller] Thank you! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us! [Jack Geller] Which one are you? [Monica Geller] I can't believe Emma is still asleep! [Chandler Bing] I know, what are we gonna do? [Monica Geller] I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up! [Chandler Bing] I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents! [Phoebe Buffay] So you're gonna... hit on her? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no! My talents as an actor! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! [Joey Tribbiani] You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books! [Phoebe Buffay] Or you could stick a fork in an apple! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I think Emma might like it! [Rachel Green] Oh! Emma might like what? [Joey Tribbiani] Um, my present! [Rachel Green] What did you get her? [Joey Tribbiani] Actually we prepared performances. [Phoebe Buffay] Separate performances. [Joey Tribbiani] But equally real! [Rachel Green] Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now? [Phoebe Buffay] Sure, yeah! [Joey Tribbiani] O K. [Rachel Green] All right, let's get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us. [Ross Geller] Oh, great! [Phoebe Buffay] Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting! [Rachel Green] So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? [Joey Tribbiani] I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books. [Rachel Green] Oh, ok, which one? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, why, it's a... one of her favorites, uh, "Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-partum depression" eesh! "Love you forever". Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly books. Printed in Mexico. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". . And while he rocked her, he sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". [Rachel Green] Wow! That was amazing! [Ross Geller] Thank you so much for that gift! [Chandler Bing] I was not ready for this today! [Ross Geller] Amazing... amazing. [Rachel Green] Oh, Phoebe, I'm sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well. [Phoebe Buffay] That's right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there's no greater gift, than the gift of music. Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma! [Rachel Green] Is that it? [Phoebe Buffay] No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading . "Sex and the single mother. Finding your G-spot. [#ALL#] No, no, no, no, no! --------------------------------------- [Judy Geller] Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday. [Jack Geller] Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years. [Judy Geller] Yes, you'll be all grown up by then. We'll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here. [Jack Geller] That's true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave, Emma! [Judy Geller] After all, my parents died very young. [Jack Geller] And my cholesterol's off the charts! [Judy Geller] Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too! [Ross Geller] Ok, cut! Great. That was... that was just... yeah! [Rachel Green] Ross, um, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge. [Ross Geller] Sure. [Rachel Green] Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino's. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid. [Rachel Green] Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing! [Monica Geller] Oh, did you do a picture of Emma? [Rachel Green] Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny. [Ross Geller] Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties? [Rachel Green] Ross, what are you talking about? oh! Oh my God! They put my baby's face on a penis! [Phoebe Buffay] oh! Now it's a party! [Rachel Green] Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself! [Joey Tribbiani] Uh.. is it ok that I still think it looks delicious? [Judy Geller] Jack, look at this. [Jack Geller] I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny! [Ross Geller] I am this close to tugging on my testicles again. [Rachel Green] No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter's birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now! [Ross Geller] Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. . That is a weird sentence! [Rachel Green] Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home... Joey, don't touch it!! [Joey Tribbiani] I'm so confused! [Rachel Green] Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts! [Chandler Bing] To be fair this one does have nuts. [Ross Geller] Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake. [Monica Geller] Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key! [Ross Geller] Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? Ok! [Chandler Bing] Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? [Monica Geller] We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years! [Chandler Bing] We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. [Monica Geller] Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour. [Phoebe Buffay] And you know, I have a massage client soon. [Ross Geller] You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh? [Monica Geller] Alright, 5 more minutes. [Ross Geller] Hello? Oh no! What happened? Ok ok, where are you? . Ok, I'll be right there. [Chandler Bing] Was that Emma? Is she up? [Ross Geller] No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to her. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go. [Monica Geller] No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us We've been complaining the longest! [Ross Geller] No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone? [Chandler Bing] I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday! [Ross Geller] Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! [Joey Tribbiani] Got it! Hey hey hey! Where do you think you're going? [Chandler Bing] To the bathroom! [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li... Wait a minute, there is a window in there! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! [Chandler Bing] What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it. [Phoebe Buffay] No, it did not. [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Judy Geller] Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane. [Jack Geller] Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime. [Judy Geller] Anyway, it was lovely seeing you. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok! [Judy Geller] Bye... Bye dear. [Joey Tribbiani] Nighty-night! [Judy Geller] Nighty-night! [Joey Tribbiani] Bye, bye. [Phoebe Buffay] Joey? How could you just let them leave? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our country. [Monica Geller] No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. [Chandler Bing] You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! I forgot you used to live here! [Joey Tribbiani] Hello? [Estelle Leonard] Joey! It's Estelle! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Estelle Leonard] So, how did your audition go today? [Joey Tribbiani] What audition? [Estelle Leonard] The one I told you about last week? [Joey Tribbiani] What? You never said anything about an audition! [Estelle Leonard] Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared. [Joey Tribbiani] A monologue? I don't have.. I got it. Aah! so... I'm gonna take off! [Phoebe Buffay] Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute! [Monica Geller] Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go! [Monica Geller] No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. [Monica Geller] Ok, ten. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else? [Phoebe Buffay] No, lets just draw straws. [Joey Tribbiani] Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the.. [Chandler Bing] I'm begging you stop. [Joey Tribbiani] Right. [Monica Geller] Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah!! Let's do that! [Chandler Bing] That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont! [Monica Geller] Everybody get your toys! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok! I want the dolphin! [Chandler Bing] Thats a bear. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm too excited! [Monica Geller] Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays! [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! [Chandler Bing] Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!! [Phoebe Buffay] Go! Go! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on robot! [Monica Geller] What are you barking at? [Monica Geller] Wha... How the hell is that gonna help? [Chandler Bing] I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do? [Joey Tribbiani] Way to go robot! [Phoebe Buffay] Good job Alan! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, good race you guys. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, see you later! [Monica Geller] No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically... [Chandler Bing] They left. [Rachel Green] No, there isn't time to go to the bakery. We're just gonna come home... Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma we're gonna be there as soon as we can. Bye... [Ross Geller] RACHEL! [Rachel Green] OOH! God! Sorry! [Ross Geller] I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver. [Rachel Green] Emma's awake. [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Rachel Green] I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake. [Ross Geller] Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. [Rachel Green] Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me. [Ross Geller] Rach, she's not going to remember this. [Rachel Green] I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! They have to learn! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] It's not bad. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did you do that? [Ross Geller] Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears. [Rachel Green] Well, I'm very impressed. [Ross Geller] Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures. [Monica Geller] Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica? [Monica Geller] Game? [Chandler Bing] Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little. [Chandler Bing] Ooh! That's my girl! [Monica Geller] That's how old you are. [Chandler Bing] Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom? [Monica Geller] Ooh, I want one... [Chandler Bing] Me too... [Chandler Bing] There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one? [Monica Geller] ...and head to Canada! [Chandler Bing] I was kidding. [Monica Geller] I wasn't. Let's get going! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, are Ross and Rachel back? [Chandler Bing] No, not yet. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh good, I didn't miss the party. [Monica Geller] What about your massage client? [Phoebe Buffay] I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! [Joey Tribbiani] I've been here the whole time! [Ross Geller] Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs. [Rachel Green] I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you guys! [Chandler Bing] Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did. [Rachel Green] What? [Chandler Bing] Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? [Emma] Wo-ish. [Rachel Green] Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many! [Ross Geller] Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means... [Rachel Green] NO, no science camp! [Ross Geller] Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake. [Rachel Green] Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly! [Monica Geller] Thanks! [Ross Geller] Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle. Come on Emma. [Chandler Bing] Let's do it, come on! [Ross Geller] What's wrong? Are you okay? [Rachel Green] Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, you made it into a bunny. [Joey Tribbiani] What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a penis. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Okay. [Ross Geller] Okay, you ready? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] A-a-and... record. [Rachel Green] Okay. Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really... [Phoebe Buffay] Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy bastard! end.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e04", "title": "The One With the Cake"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Rachel's Sister Baby-sits [Rachel Green] You know, I'm thinking about letting Emma have her first cookie. [Joey Tribbiani] Her first cookie? She has cookies all the time! [Rachel Green] I've never given her a cookie. Have you? [Joey Tribbiani] No! No... and, for the record, I've also never given her a frosting from a can! [Monica Geller] Hey Rach, the adoption agency needs letters of recommendation and we were wondering if you would write one for us. [Rachel Green] Of course, I'd be honored! [Chandler Bing] Thanks! [Monica Geller] Thank you! [Joey Tribbiani] U-U-Um, I think there's been an oversight. [Chandler Bing] Joey, we would've asked you, we just thought you wouldn't be interested. [Monica Geller] Yeah, it's just we don't think of you as really being so much "with the words". [Joey Tribbiani] Whoo-weh hey weh-hey whoo hey!! [Monica Geller] Clearly we were wrong. [Joey Tribbiani] I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one. [Monica Geller] You know what? Then, Joey, we want you to do it. [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you! Alright, let me see how I'm gonna start... "Dear baby adoption decider people..." [Chandler Bing] So excited about your letter! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [#ALL#] Hey Phoebe! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Monica Geller] Wow! Don't you look nice?! [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary. [Rachel Green] OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex... [Phoebe Buffay] YEAH! [Chandler Bing] So you must be going to somewhere fancy to celebrate? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-uh. Ehm, a Knicks game. [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... Aren't you a little overdressed? [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, you know what, I've never had a one-year anniversary before, so no matter where we go, I'm wearing something fancy pants, and... I'm gonna put on my finest jewelry and we're gonna have sex in a public rest room. [Monica Geller] You guys do that? Chandler won't even have sex in our bathroom! [Chandler Bing] That's where people make number two!! --------------------------------------- [Charlie Wheeler] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey... [Charlie Wheeler] So, you know... I have a little time. If you... if you want to... [Ross Geller] Oh... Ohh... I'd love to but I really have to grade these papers. [Charlie Wheeler] Fine, it's fine... I'll just shower by myself... [Ross Geller] B, B, B, B, B! [Charlie Wheeler] Oh, Ross, you gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalogue. [Ross Geller] Well, it had some good ideas, take off your shirt. [Ross Geller] Damnit! [Amy Green] Rachel!! Open up!! It's your sister!! I have to talk to you!! [Ross Geller] Hi Amy! [Amy Green] You're not Rachel. [Ross Geller] Still sharp as a tack! [Amy Green] Um... Charlie, this is Rachel's sister Amy. Amy, this is Charlie. [Charlie Wheeler] Hi! [Amy Green] Hi! [Charlie Wheeler] Nice to meet you. [Amy Green] H-Hi!! And you are...? [Ross Geller] Ross? I... I grew up on your block! We had Thanksgiving together last year... I had a baby with your sister! [Amy Green] N-no... uhm... did I buy a falafel from you yesterday? [Ross Geller] Yes, yes, you did. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi Rachel! Here's your sister Amy! She thinks I need pec implants! [Rachel Green] Amy! Hi! Oh-oh-hoh! Wow! You remember Joey? [Amy Green] Yeah! Hey, sure! The "Days of Our Lives" guy! [Joey Tribbiani] That's right, yeah. [Amy Green] You're not good! [Joey Tribbiani] Always nice to meet a fan! [Rachel Green] So now, what are you doing here? [Amy Green] Well, I have huge news. [Rachel Green] Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby! [Amy Green] Wait, this is important! Can Ella wait? [Ross Geller] Ehm... Her name is Emma. [Amy Green] Why did you change it, Ella was so much prettier! [Ross Geller] What do I know? I just sell Middle Eastern food from a cart! [Amy Green] Hey, your English is getting better!! [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Joey Tribbiani] I know, she may be the hottest girl I've ever hated. [Ross Geller] What... what you working on? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, Monica and Chandler's recommendation. I want it to sound smart but.. I don't know any big words or anything, so... [Ross Geller] Why don't you use your Thesaurus? [Joey Tribbiani] What did I just say? [Ross Geller] Watch. Here, you ehm... You highlight the word you want to change. Go under Tools and the Thesaurus generates... 'gives'... 'gives' a whole list of choices. You can pick the word that sounds smartest. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God, that's great! I'm smart!! No, no, I'm... "brainy, bright, clever", I love this thing! Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package!! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] God! [Amy Green] So beautiful. [Rachel Green] Oh, I know, isn't she? [Amy Green] No, I was talking about your bedding. [Rachel Green] All right. What's your news, Amy? [Amy Green] Oh! Um... Well... I'm getting married. [Rachel Green] What? Oh my God! To who? [Amy Green] This guy! He has a killer apartment. [Rachel Green] A-And?? [Amy Green] A-And it's on Fifth. And the elevator opens up right into the living room. [Rachel Green] No, what's he like? [Amy Green] Oh! He's ok. Do you remember my old boyfriend Mark? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Amy Green] It's his dad. [Rachel Green] Huh... wow, so he's gotta be... [Amy Green] Old? Yeah! But he travels a lot, so he's hardly ever there. [Rachel Green] Sweety, I gotta tell ya... it sounds a little bit like you like the apartment more than you like... [Amy Green] Myron. Hmm... I told you he was old! [Rachel Green] Oh... sit down, sit down. Oh, honey, you know, I once also almost married somebody that I didn't love. Do you remember Barry? [Amy Green] Humpf, remember him? How we used to make out all the time after you went to sleep. [Rachel Green] Sometimes just nodding is ok. Uhm, so but anyway, listen, not marrying Barry was the best decision that I ever, ever made. Honey, you deserve true love. Your soulmate is out there, somewhere. Someone that is your age, that is smart, that is fun and that you care about! [Amy Green] You're right, you're right! I'm gonna do it! [Rachel Green] Ok. [Amy Green] I'm gonna marry Myron and keep looking for Mr Right. [Rachel Green] Ok, let's keep talking. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Excuse me, anniversary. Excuse me, anniversary. . Uhm, sir, could you move your nachos... they're in my seat. It's my anniversary. Here we are! . Can't believe it's been a whole year! [Mike Hannigan] I know. This has been the best year... THIS HAS BEEN THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE! [Phoebe Buffay] ME TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE THIS MUCH! [Mike Hannigan] I FEEL THE SAME WAY! [Phoebe Buffay] YOU'RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY! [Announcer] Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the score board. Someone has a special question to ask. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh how lame... oh, it's so tacky, and impersonal. [Mike Hannigan] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, it's the worst way to propose! [Mike Hannigan] Excuse me... . --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, finished my recommendation. Here. And I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn. [Chandler Bing] I don't... uh... understand. [Joey Tribbiani] Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya? [Monica Geller] It doesn't make any sense. [Joey Tribbiani] Of course it does! It's smart! I used the the-saurus! [Chandler Bing] On every word? [Joey Tribbiani] Yep! [Monica Geller] Alright, what was this sentence originally? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, 'They are warm, nice, people with big hearts'. [Chandler Bing] And that became 'they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude. [Monica Geller] Hey Joey, I don't think we can use this. [Joey Tribbiani] Why not? [Monica Geller] Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani . Hey, why don't you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself! [Chandler Bing] You know what? You don't need a thesaurus, just write from here, your full sized aortic pump. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Amy, hi! [Amy Green] I took your advice, I left Myron. [Rachel Green] Oh, good for you! [Amy Green] I know! I'm Erin Brockovich! [Rachel Green] Yes you are! Oh, I am so proud of you! [Amy Green] Thank you! So, can I stay with you? [Rachel Green] But Erin Brockovich had her own house. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, look who's back! Why do you have bags? RACH, WHY DOES SHE HAVE BAGS? [Amy Green] Well, I'm staying with you guys! [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Amy Green] We're gonna be roomies! Come on! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] You slept out here? [Rachel Green] Yeah... Amy kept kicking me in her sleep yelling 'Myron, get off!' [Joey Tribbiani] But uhm, we're getting rid of her, right? Rach, please tell me we're getting rid of her. [Rachel Green] Joey, I can't do that! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, come on! Last night I was finishing off a pizza and she said "Uoh oh oh, a moment on the lips, forever on the hips!" I don't need that kind of talk in my house! [Rachel Green] Well Joey, uhm look, I know that she's difficult, but I think it's really good that she's here. [Joey Tribbiani] 'Cause we will appreciate it more when she's gone? [Rachel Green] No, it's just... look, you know, when I first moved to the city I was a lot like her! I was spoiled, self-centered and you guys really took care of me. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, Monica made us! [Rachel Green] Well, uhm... whatever, I have really appreciated it, 'cause I don't think I would be the person that I am today if it wasn't for you guys. See, I wanna help Amy the way you guys helped me. And I know it's gonna take patience, but that's ok. [Amy Green] Good morning. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeaah. [Rachel Green] Amy, that's what I was supposed to wear today, that's why I hung it on the door. [Amy Green] Oh, sweety, you can't pull this off. [Rachel Green] Amy, you know what? I was thinking that maybe now it'd be a good time for us to sit down and, you know, talk about your future. [Amy Green] Oh, I can't, honey. I'm gonna go get my eyebrows shaped. I am not happy. Oh... sure you wanna eat that? [Joey Tribbiani] I'M CURVY, AND I LIKE IT! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi. I just had the worst anniversary ever. [Chandler Bing] I doubt that! Tell her about us last year. [Monica Geller] Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song. [Ross Geller] Seriously? [Chandler Bing] Word! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, mine was worse than that. [Rachel Green] Well, what happened? [Phoebe Buffay] We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing... [Rachel Green] Oh, that is so tacky. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, that's what I said, but it turns out, Mike was planning on proposing to me that same way last night! [Monica Geller] Oh my God, Mike was gonna propose? [Rachel Green] Phoebe, that's huge! [Ross Geller] Well, do you wanna marry him? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I really do! Yes, but, after I dumped on the way he was gonna propose to me, I don't think he's ever gonna ask again! I mean, I said no in Barbados and now this! [Chandler Bing] She's right! If I were a guy and... Did I just say if I were a guy..? [Monica Geller] Maybe you don't need him to propose to you, maybe you can propose to him! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I don't know, I don't know, isn't that a little desperate? [Monica Geller] I proposed to Chandler! Alright, moving on... [Chandler Bing] Oh, I don't think it was desperate, I think it was amazing! [Monica Geller] Thank you. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, do you think I should propose? [Rachel Green] I think it could be kind of great! [Ross Geller] Absolutely! You'll love the feeling! There's nothing like it! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, ok, so how should I do it? [Monica Geller] How about at a game, on the big screen? [Rachel Green] Uuuh!! How about at a Footlocker? [Monica Geller] What? what? He obviously thinks that's a nice way to be proposed to, plus he'd never suspect it! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, that does make sense. Ok, now, would... would you two like that? [Chandler Bing] Sounds good to me... but what would a guy think? [Amy Green] Nana is on the phone. [Rachel Green] Oh! That's interesting, since she died seven years ago!! [Amy Green] She did? Who got her condo in Boca? [Rachel Green] Hello? Oh, it's our nanny! Hi! Oh... God! I hope you feel better! Ok, bye! That's Molly, she's sick. Can you watch Emma today? [Ross Geller] No, I can't. I have back-to-back classes. Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting? [Rachel Green] Menstrual cramps. [Ross Geller] I don't think that's what this is. [Rachel Green] Can any of you watch Emma? [Monica Geller] No, sorry sweety.. [Phoebe Buffay] No, I've got work and then I'm proposing.. [Rachel Green] Great, shoot, what are we gonna do? [Amy Green] Well, I can do it. [Rachel Green] Well, actually... [Ross Geller] Well, can I talk to you for a sec.? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] Um, I do not want her baby-sitting our child. [Rachel Green] Why not? [Ross Geller] Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella! [Rachel Green] Wha.. well, Ella's a nice name! [Ross Geller] Fine, we'll call the next one Ella. [Rachel Green] Wha... the next one? [Ross Geller] Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby. [Rachel Green] Ross, I am trying to help her become a better person. This is a huge breakthrough for her! She just offered to do something for another human being!! [Ross Geller] I... I don't know.. [Rachel Green] Ross, I'm telling you, she's giving up getting her eyebrows shaped to do this alright? Do you understand how important that is in our world? [Amy Green] um... listen, I couldn't help but overhear... 'cause I was trying to... Listen, let me do this alright? I really wanna help you guys out, and plus Rachel's been so wonderful to me... [Rachel Green] Absolutely. [Amy Green] Oh! Great! So how much does it pay? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey Joe! How's the second draft of the letter coming? [Joey Tribbiani] Great, I'm finished! In fact, I just dropped it off at the agency. [Monica Geller] You dropped it off? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] Can we read it? Can you print out another copy? [Joey Tribbiani] No can do amigo. No, I didn't use the computer. Felt more personal to hand-write it. [Monica Geller] You hand-wrote it? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, and don't worry. I didn't try to sound smart at all! See ya later! [Monica Geller] Oh my God, oh my God, that letter is gonna go in our file! We're never gonna get a kid. No, we're gonna be one of those old couples that collects orchids or has a lot of birds! [Chandler Bing] It's ok, it's ok. You know what? I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. [Monica Geller] Okay good. [Chandler Bing] Hello, this is Chandler Bing. Somebody just dropped off a handwritten recommendation letter, and.. Uh-huh... Uh-huh... okay... thank you. Good-bye. . [Monica Geller] Ugh, we're screwed, aren't we? You know what? Just tell me on the way to the bird store. [Chandler Bing] They loved it. [Monica Geller] What? [Chandler Bing] They thought it was very smart of us to have a child write the recommendation letter. [Monica Geller] They thought Joey was a child? [Chandler Bing] She guessed 8, 9, based on his drawings. [Amy Green] Hi! [Monica Geller] Hey, what did you guys do today? [Amy Green] Ella wanted to go out, so we went shopping and got some sushi. [Chandler Bing] That sounds like fun. [Amy Green] Yeah, not really. Babies are dull. [Rachel Green] Hey! Hi, how's my girl? [Amy Green] I'm fine! And, I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready? [Rachel Green] Yeah! [Amy Green] Ta-daaa! [Rachel Green] You pierced her ears!? [Amy Green] Doesn't it make her nose look smaller? [Rachel Green] You pierced her ears? How could you do this without telling me? [Amy Green] Well, if I had told you, then it wouldn't have been surprise, now would it? [Chandler Bing] I think she looks cute. ... but I am wrong! [Rachel Green] Oh my God, Oh my God, here comes Ross. He's gonna flip out. [Amy Green] Why, did something happen to his falafel cart? [Rachel Green] Ugh. [Ross Geller] Hey guys. [Chandler Bing] Hi Ross. [Ross Geller] Hey Emma. Oh, why is she wearing her hat so low? She can barely see. . [Rachel Green] Nah, I don't really want her to see. [Ross Geller] Why not? [Monica Geller] Because there are so many terrible sights in this world. [Chandler Bing] Like war. Or that thing in Joey's refrigerator. Remember? It was in a milk carton but it looked like meat? [Ross Geller] Come here Oh! There she is! Hi! [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Nothing. [Ross Geller] Hi! What... . Please tell me those are clip-ons. [Rachel Green] Oh, they're real! [Ross Geller] Did she do this to her? I told you we shouldn't have left Emma with her! [Rachel Green] I know, I know, and you were right Ross. You are soo irresponsible I am never letting you baby-sit ever again! [Amy Green] Hey you know what, this kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt! [Monica Geller] I'm a cool, fun aunt! [Amy Green] O-Okay! [Chandler Bing] Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects! [Rachel Green] I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me? [Amy Green] Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life. [Rachel Green] Oh yeah? Since when? [Amy Green] Since today... I am going to be a baby stylist. [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] That's not a thing! [Amy Green] Well, it should be. I'm gonna help babies learn how to accessorize, what colors to wear, what clothes are slimming... [Rachel Green] Babies don't care if they're slim. [Amy Green] Enter Amy! [Ross Geller] Amy, I ju... I just... I just wanna... [Amy Green] What? What are you gonna do? [Ross Geller] No more falafel for you! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Great game, huh? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhuh, uhuh... [Mike Hannigan] Why do you keep looking at the screen? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm not. I'm praying. Please let the Knicks win... Thank you Thor! Where... where are you going? [Mike Hannigan] Going go to the bathroom. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I think you should wait. [Mike Hannigan] Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, if you don't... if you don't hold it in, you don't get all the nutrients. [Announcer] Knicks fans, please turn your attention to the big screen on the scoreboard. Someone has a special question to ask. [Phoebe Buffay] Mike Hannigan... will you marry me? [Announcer] Get a load of this... She's proposing to him. Guess we know who wears the pants in that family. [Phoebe Buffay] That's not very enlightened! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, hey! Boo us? Boo you! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hello? Yeah, this is Joey Tribbiani... Oh, hi! Well, I'm glad you liked my letter... No my mommy and daddy aren't home right now... Okay, bye bye. She was nice! [Rachel Green] Joey, get Amy's bags, she is moving out! [Joey Tribbiani] Whoo-hoo! [Amy Green] You're kicking me out? [Rachel Green] You put holes in my baby's ears! [Amy Green] Yeah well, at least now people will know she is a girl! [Rachel Green] I can't believe I ever even tried to help you. You are so beyond help. [Amy Green] You know what? Ever since I got here, you have been nothing but negative. [Rachel Green] Excuse me? [Amy Green] You didn't want me to marry the old guy with the great apartment. Then, I tried to help your daughter to de-emphasize her flaws And suddenly I am the bad guy? [Rachel Green] Joey, where are those bags? [Joey Tribbiani] She has a lot of crap! [Amy Green] You know what? When I moved in here I thought: This is gonna be so great. Just us sisters, back together again like when we were kids, except without that stupid Jill... Oh! Who has gotten fat by the way... [Rachel Green] Seriously? [Amy Green] hm-mmm... Mom said she gained like fifteen pounds. [Rachel Green] Hips or thighs? [Amy Green] Ass and face. [Rachel Green] Oh! Oh my God! I thought she was on Atkins. [Amy Green] She was. Carbs found her... See, this is what I wanted. Two sisters, talking about real stuff. [Rachel Green] Oh, I can give you that. [Amy Green] You can? [Rachel Green] Yeah. I just, I kept trying to make you a better person, but you're... you're already a pretty perfect version of what you are. [Amy Green] Thank you. I've got to admit, Emma does look cute. [Rachel Green] Did you just say Emma? [Amy Green] Ugh, I'm sorry... Ella. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] That woman at the game didn't know what she was talking about. Mike, obviously you have balls. [Mike Hannigan] But please, let's just forget the whole thing. [Phoebe Buffay] I would love it. Consider it forgotten... But just so you know... however and whenever you decide to propose, I promise I'll say yes. Whether... whether, you know, it is in a basketball game, or in sky writing, or you know, like some lame guy in a cheesy movie who hides it in the cake. [Phoebe Buffay] It's in the cake, isn't it? [Mike Hannigan] Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? [Phoebe Buffay] What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! [Mike Hannigan] No! It's my fault. I keep trying to propose in these stupid ways and all I wanna do is tell you that I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. [Mike Hannigan] I'm gonna do this now. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe, I... [Phoebe Buffay] Wait! Oh wait! Oh no! [Mike Hannigan] Ready? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-huh! [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in the world I would ask to marry me... three times. But I wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes! [Mike Hannigan] I love you! [Phoebe Buffay] I love you more! [Mike Hannigan] Not possible! She's gonna be Mrs. No Balls. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] So how is the uhm... baby styling business going? [Amy Green] Not that great. It's almost if people don't want to hear that their babies are ugly. [Rachel Green] That's shocking! [Amy Green] Oh! It's Ross... Hey Ross! Hello-oo Ross! He's rude!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e05", "title": "The One Where Rachel's Sister Baby-sits"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Ross's Grant [Phoebe Buffay] Hey... [#ALL#] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Ross Geller] Pheebs, what's wrong? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I'm just so exhausted from dragging around this... HUGE engagement ring! [#ALL#] OH! [Rachel Green] My God! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Congratulations! Wow!! [Ross Geller] So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or did he cry? Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, hey! Well... Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... I wanna say Mike? To Phoebe and Mike! [#ALL#] Whoo! [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you! Oh, and I have something for you! [Rachel Green] Mmh-mmh! [Phoebe Buffay] It's, yes, my little black book. It's got the numbers of all the guys I've dated. [Rachel Green] Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends? [Phoebe Buffay] I would, but you're the last one. [Rachel Green] GIVE ME THE BOOK! Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, my first love! [Rachel Green] Oh! [Monica Geller] What does the red X next to Bob Greenmore's name mean? [Phoebe Buffay] Dead. Oh, it's OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach. [Chandler Bing] Hey, I'm sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasn't so much a book as a... napkin. With Janice's phone number on it. [Rachel Green] Phoebe, isn't Jethro Tull a band? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yes, they are. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey honey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hi sweetie! [Chandler Bing] Is Monica not here? [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Chandler Bing] Oh, then I'll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! It's my first national commercial! [Joey Tribbiani] Cool! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, and I don't wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! Hell, you weren't there? All the ideas were mine!!! [Joey Tribbiani] That's great! Hey, can you cast me in it? [Chandler Bing] Oh... I don't know, I really don't think you're right for the part. [Joey Tribbiani] What do you mean? I can do anything, I'm a chameleon! Huh? I'm old! I'm tired! Hey, I'm hot I'm cold!! Huh?? Come on! What can't I do? [Chandler Bing] First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really don't think you're right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor. [Joey Tribbiani] I can do that! "Hello, I'm your professor. When I'm not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, what's the product? [Chandler Bing] Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm cold! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey! [Charlie Wheeler] Hey! [Ross Geller] Guess who's a finalist for a huge research grant! I'll give you a hint, he's looking right at you. [Charlie Wheeler] Ah, well, unless it's the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, I'm gonna say congratulations! [Ross Geller] Oh, I'm so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that I'm keeping score or anything... five! [Charlie Wheeler] Wow, that's great! So, tell me about the grant! [Ross Geller] Well, ok, it's for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, I'll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! That'll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work! [Charlie Wheeler] Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant? [Ross Geller] Yeah. Why? [Charlie Wheeler] Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant. [Ross Geller] Your ex-boyfriend? [Charlie Wheeler] Yeah. [Ross Geller] So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed! [Charlie Wheeler] No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why don't we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you. [Ross Geller] Well, if you think it would help. [Charlie Wheeler] Yes, absolutely. I'll call him. [Ross Geller] Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes? [Charlie Wheeler] Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish. [Ross Geller] We'll see how dinner goes. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey, you wanna go to see a movie? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in. [Monica Geller] Oh, right. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Monica Geller] Oh, well. Now that I'm here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, it's so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together? [Monica Geller] Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up? [Phoebe Buffay] A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys. [Monica Geller] Who's Gladys? Oh! What a tragic loss! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her! [Monica Geller] Well, I-I-I-I... I don't know... [Phoebe Buffay] Why, you don't like her? [Monica Geller] Well, of course I do. What's not to like! I'll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that you're giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her! [Phoebe Buffay] Really? You think? [Monica Geller] Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "I'm sorry Mike I can't live without her, she means too much to me!" [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, I'll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you don't get her. [Monica Geller] Damn it, I did not think this through! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey you guys. [Rachel Green] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! Any word on casting yet? [Chandler Bing] Joe, I told you, you're just not right for the part. [Joey Tribbiani] What do you mean? Rach, don't I seem like a professor you'd buy some kind of e-crap from? [Rachel Green] I'm sorry, this sounds like something I'm never gonna be interested in. [Joey Tribbiani] Look, c'mon, please? It's not like I'm asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! Oh, man, I'm two hours late for work! . Look, here's a copy of my reels. It's got all the commercials that I've been in. [Chandler Bing] Joe... [Joey Tribbiani] Just watch it, and if you don't like it, you don't pass it on to your bosses! [Chandler Bing] Fine! [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you. [Chandler Bing] Work, Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] Damn it! [Chandler Bing] What am I gonna do now? [Joey Tribbiani] Just pass it to your boss! [Chandler Bing] He's not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think I'm an idiot! And that's something they should learn on their own! [Rachel Green] Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didn't. Then that way, you're the good guy and they're the bad guys. [Chandler Bing] That's good! I liked it, they didn't. Joey, for God's sake, go to work! . --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO? [Charlie Wheeler] Sorry, looks like it's just him. [Benjamin Hobart] Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning! [Ross Geller] Well, I... I am having a good hair day. [Benjamin Hobart] So good to see you. [Charlie Wheeler] Me too. [Ross Geller] I'm ok. [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sorry... Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart. [Ross Geller] It's an honor to meet you. I can't tell you how long I've been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, you're one of the reasons I got into the field. [Benjamin Hobart] Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. I've never heard of you until this morning, but, it's nice to be nice! [Charlie Wheeler] Shall we? . [Benjamin Hobart] Thank you! . I can't believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night? [Charlie Wheeler] Oh my God, I completely forgot! Oh my God! I can't believe they let us back in this place! . [Benjamin Hobart] You weren't there! [Ross Geller] No, but, it's, you know, it's just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... tzz-zzz, mmm. [Charlie Wheeler] Ross, why don't you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room? [Benjamin Hobart] So, tell me about it. [Ross Geller] Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert. [Benjamin Hobart] M-m. [Ross Geller] See, there are still several areas that haven't been fully excavated. [Benjamin Hobart] Break up with Charlie! [Ross Geller] What? [Benjamin Hobart] What? [Ross Geller] Did you just say "break up with Charlie"? [Benjamin Hobart] Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it. [Ross Geller] Kind of inappropriate, don't you think? [Benjamin Hobart] I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her. [Ross Geller] Are you serious? [Benjamin Hobart] If you say yes then I'm serious, if you say no then I'm joking! [Ross Geller] No! [Benjamin Hobart] Joking it is! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! Sorry, I'm late. [Monica Geller] Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting? [Phoebe Buffay] No, he really hates it. But he's gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours! [Monica Geller] Wow, what's the bad news! [Rachel Green] Who's Gladys? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, she's that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame. [Rachel Green] Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I didn't know you wanted her too! [Monica Geller] Huh! [Rachel Green] Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so... [Monica Geller] You know, I would give her up, for you. [Rachel Green] No, I couldn't let you do that. [Monica Geller] But I want to. [Rachel Green] But I don't want you to. [Monica Geller] But I insist! [Rachel Green] But I insist harder! [Phoebe Buffay] Girls, girls, stop, ok? We'll flip a coin. Heads, she's Rachel's, tails she's Monica's. . Tails! Monica, she's yours! [Monica Geller] No, that landed in your food! [Rachel Green] No, no, that's ok. You won fair and square. I'm so sad! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey Joe! [Joey Tribbiani] What's up? [Chandler Bing] Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they weren't interested. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh. [Chandler Bing] I'm sorry man. [Joey Tribbiani] But, ehm... you watched the tape? [Chandler Bing] Yeah! I... I... I liked it! But, ehm... my bosses didn't go for it. Stupid sons of bitches! [Joey Tribbiani] You didn't watch the tape. [Chandler Bing] What!? Of course I did! [Joey Tribbiani] Look, it's one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me? [Chandler Bing] I'm not lying to you, I watched it! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, you lied again! [Chandler Bing] I watched it! [Joey Tribbiani] Keep going Pinocchio! [Chandler Bing] I did! [Joey Tribbiani] No you didn't! [Chandler Bing] I'm telling you, I watched the tape. [Rachel Green] Did you watch the tape? [Chandler Bing] No! --------------------------------------- [Benjamin Hobart] The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. I'm gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem? [Dr. Li] Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there. [Benjamin Hobart] Interesting. [Ross Geller] I guess! [Benjamin Hobart] Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place? [Dr. Biely] Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota. [Benjamin Hobart] Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday? [Ross Geller] What? I... I... [Benjamin Hobart] Care to venture a guess? [Ross Geller] May 12th? [Benjamin Hobart] That's not even kinda close! Dr. Li, how many graduate students you'd be needing? [Dr. Li] Half a dozen. [Benjamin Hobart] I see, and Dr. Biely? [Dr. Biely] Three for excavation and two for analysis. [Benjamin Hobart] Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band? [Ross Geller] Wha..? I need 6 graduate students. [Benjamin Hobart] No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You. [Ross Geller] Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology. [Benjamin Hobart] You're right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur". [Ross Geller] um... I've never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur". [Benjamin Hobart] Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it. [Ross Geller] Ok. B - O - S ... [Benjamin Hobart] No, it starts with a silent "M". [Ross Geller] Oh come on!! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] I can't believe Joey. I hate being called a liar! [Rachel Green] But you are a liar. [Chandler Bing] What did I just say? [Joey Tribbiani] You still here? [Chandler Bing] Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something... [Joey Tribbiani] Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... Stop lying! [Chandler Bing] Why are you so sure I didn't watch this tape? [Joey Tribbiani] You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? [Rachel Green] Well, this is going well. [Joey Tribbiani] Here's how I know you didn't watch the tape, ok? If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. [Joey Tribbiani] And that's how I know you didn't watch the tape! . [Chandler Bing] He really is a chameleon. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! [Monica Geller] Oh, my! [Rachel Green] Wow! Oh, she's so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? [Monica Geller] I haven't really settled on a spot yet! [Rachel Green] Well, hey! How about right above the TV? . That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster. [Monica Geller] I like that poster! [Phoebe Buffay] Really? It doesn't have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom? [Rachel Green] Oh! There's nothing above your bed!! [Monica Geller] Are you still here? --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmother's nickname, perhaps? Aunt Margaret's pants size? [Benjamin Hobart] I've come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process. [Ross Geller] No! Stop! [Benjamin Hobart] Anyway, I've decided to offer you the grant. [Ross Geller] Really? [Benjamin Hobart] Well... there is just one small... stipulation... [Ross Geller] I have to break up with Charlie? [Benjamin Hobart] Hey, you got one right! [Ross Geller] You're crazy. [Benjamin Hobart] Crazy, or... romantic? [Ross Geller] Crazy! [Benjamin Hobart] Ooor... [Ross Geller] Get out! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] O-oh my God! [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Rachel Green] Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here? [Joey Tribbiani] I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price. [Rachel Green] Joey, we're not keeping this! [Joey Tribbiani] But it's an original Buffay... [Rachel Green] Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you don't mind that she's haunted. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!? [Rachel Green] Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when you're asleep. [Rachel Green] She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob. [Joey Tribbiani] GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE! [Monica Geller] Hey! I sold that to Joey. [Rachel Green] Well, why I told him it's haunted. Two can play at this game. [Monica Geller] No, too late. You can't give it back! [Rachel Green] Yes I can! [Monica Geller] No you can't. She's yours! [Rachel Green] She's yours! [Monica Geller] SHE'S YOURS! [Rachel Green] She's yours! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Rachel Green] She's mine! [Monica Geller] She's m-i-i-ne! [Rachel Green] She's mine! [Monica Geller] She's mine! [Phoebe Buffay] You guys! You guys! You don't have to fight over her anymore. Whoever doesn't get Gladys gets Glynnis. [Rachel Green] I want Gladys! [Monica Geller] She's mine! [Rachel Green] She's mine! [Monica Geller] She's mine! [Rachel Green] She's mine! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Look, I'm sorry I didn't give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not. [Joey Tribbiani] That's not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied. [Chandler Bing] I know. You're right. What's it gonna take for you to forgive me? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] Excellent! [Joey Tribbiani] Now, what do you say? [Chandler Bing] Lying is wrong! [Joey Tribbiani] And?... AND? [Chandler Bing] I'm a pretty little girl. [Phoebe Buffay] I knew it! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Your ex-boyfriend is insane. [Charlie Wheeler] Did you get the grant? [Ross Geller] No I didn't, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you. [Charlie Wheeler] What? [Ross Geller] Yeah. He wouldn't give me the grant, because I wouldn't give you up. [Charlie Wheeler] Benji isn't in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, he's a very ethical man. [Ross Geller] Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"? [Charlie Wheeler] I'm sure he was just joking, Ross. [Ross Geller] If you don't believe me, let's go talk to him, okay? I'm telling you, he didn't ask me one paleontological question. [Charlie Wheeler] Seriously? [Ross Geller] Oh, I'm sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur? [Charlie Wheeler] Well, if it's like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O... [Ross Geller] Damnit! --------------------------------------- [Benjamin Hobart] Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here? [Ross Geller] I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog! [Benjamin Hobart] Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia. [Ross Geller] No, no, no. Don't do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth. [Charlie Wheeler] Benji? [Benjamin Hobart] Alright, it's true. I behaved horribly. But it's only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life. [Ross Geller] Too little, too late, Benji! [Charlie Wheeler] I can't believe this. [Benjamin Hobart] I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me? [Ross Geller] No! [Charlie Wheeler] Yes! [Ross Geller] What? [Charlie Wheeler] I don't know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic. [Ross Geller] or... [Benjamin Hobart] Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back? [Charlie Wheeler] Maybe... [Ross Geller] Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable. [Charlie Wheeler] Oh God! I am so sorry, but... I mean it's... there's so much history between us, you know... [Benjamin Hobart] I'm sorry too... [Benjamin Hobart] I love you! [Charlie Wheeler] I love you too! [Ross Geller] Okay, that's it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Gladys? [Rachel Green] Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old. [Joey Tribbiani] You're mean! [Rachel Green] Oh, don't be such a baby! end.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e06", "title": "The One With Ross's Grant"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Home Study [Ross Geller] Hey you guys! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey, what are you doing? [Mike Hannigan] Oh, figuring out our wedding plans. [Chandler Bing] That's funny, we were doing the same thing! [Ross Geller] Yeah! [Phoebe Buffay] It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was! [Chandler Bing] Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers. [Phoebe Buffay] So what did you two do about it? [Chandler Bing] It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell. [Ross Geller] There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money. [Mike Hannigan] I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry. [Ross Geller] Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that. [Phoebe Buffay] But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use? [Mike Hannigan] Are you serious? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall? [Mike Hannigan] I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. [Ross Geller] I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture! [Chandler Bing] Maybe you do that next time you get married! [Ross Geller] No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. But maybe the time after that! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] What's going on? [Chandler Bing] Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment. [Monica Geller] We? [Chandler Bing] You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby? [Chandler Bing] Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live. [Monica Geller] And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity. [Chandler Bing] Little people? [Joey Tribbiani] Celebrity. [Monica Geller] Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes? [Chandler Bing] What...? NO! [Monica Geller] Chandler? [Chandler Bing] I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation! [Monica Geller] Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR? [Chandler Bing] I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine. [Monica Geller] It isn't mine! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is! --------------------------------------- [Charity Guy] May I help you? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children. [Charity Guy] Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one. [Charity Guy] Well, this is very generous! [Phoebe Buffay] And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous. [Mike Hannigan] Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers. [Phoebe Buffay] Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay. [Charity Guy] Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter. [Mike Hannigan] Not necessary. [Phoebe Buffay] Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y. [Mike Hannigan] And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan". [Charity Guy] Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much. [Phoebe Buffay] Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good! [Mike Hannigan] It does. It feels really good! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! [Charity Guy] Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym. [Phoebe Buffay] Mhm... it's moist. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi! [Rachel Green] Hi! Emma will be up in a minute! [Ross Geller] Oh, good! [Rachel Green] Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry. [Ross Geller] Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there. [Rachel Green] Absolutely. [Ross Geller] There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge! [Rachel Green] So, uhm... what are you gonna do today? [Ross Geller] Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground! [Rachel Green] Oh my God, what!? [Ross Geller] Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire! [Rachel Green] Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground. [Ross Geller] Be-caaauuuse... [Rachel Green] All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little. [Ross Geller] Seriously? [Rachel Green] Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! And it was uneven for weeks! [Ross Geller] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie! [Rachel Green] Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes. [Ross Geller] Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see! [Rachel Green] Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth! [Ross Geller] Space is filled with orbiting children. Look, please, just come on, you know, when you'll see the look on Emma's face, I swear you won't regret it. [Rachel Green] All right! [Ross Geller] Good, you don't want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you? [Rachel Green] Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment! [Ross Geller] Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh my God, the adoption lady is early! [Chandler Bing] Ok, ok, here we go. [Monica Geller] Ok. [Chandler Bing] Here we go. Stand up straight. Big smile. [Phoebe Buffay] Hello, is this the creepy residence? [Monica Geller] We're waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this . I don't know if you wanna use it, but... [Phoebe Buffay] Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually won't be wearing a dress at all! [Monica Geller] I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding! [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, no, we're not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity. [Monica Geller] That's crazy! . I am sorry. I just can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that! [Phoebe Buffay] We, you know, we're different! We don't care about having a huge party. This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? And, ow, I look , why, well, radiant. All right, well, who cares, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress. [Monica Geller] That's right. You're making a commitment and that's the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it? [Phoebe Buffay] City Hall. [Monica Geller] Ow! Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up! [Phoebe Buffay] It's ok, it's ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding. [Monica Geller] Yay! [Chandler Bing] But you already gave all your money to charity! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I'll just ask for it back! [Chandler Bing] I don't think you can do that! [Monica Geller] Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids! [Chandler Bing] That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Ok, careful. [Ross Geller] Ok. [Rachel Green] Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR! [Ross Geller] Rach, she's got like three hairs! [Rachel Green] I know but they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out. [Ross Geller] I promise you she's safe! No watch how much she loves this. [Rachel Green] Ok. [Ross Geller] Ready sweety? [Rachel Green] Ok. [Ross Geller] Here we go! [Rachel Green] Ok, careful, ok. Oh, she's smiling! Oh my God, she does like it! [Ross Geller] See, I told you! [Rachel Green] Awe! Oh my God! Looks, she's a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push? [Ross Geller] Oh, absolutely! [Rachel Green] Ok. Oh God. Get the camera, it's in the diaper bag. [Ross Geller] Ok! See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly Ow! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] We're seriously asking for our money back? [Phoebe Buffay] It's for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting. [Charity Guy] Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that that's ever happened before. [Phoebe Buffay] Gay, go. [Mike Hannigan] Oh my God, I love your shirt! [Phoebe Buffay] The donation we made earlier, we k..., we w..., we want it back. [Charity Guy] Excuse me? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it turns out we do. [Charity Guy] So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah! This feels really good. [Phoebe Buffay] I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me. [Charity Guy] Hey, it's not my business, besides it's probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing... [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, that's not fair! A person's wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn't have a graduation party! And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to "kill me" or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it. [Mike Hannigan] She could have been talking about either one of us. --------------------------------------- [Laura] Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview. [Monica Geller] Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in. [Laura] Thank you! [Monica Geller] Would you like something to drink? [Laura] Oh, water would be fine. [Monica Geller] Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We're really excited about getting this process started. [Chandler Bing] Oh, because we love kids. Love 'em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law. [Laura] Your place is just lovely. [Monica Geller] Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it. [Laura] You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting? [Monica Geller] Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. [Chandler Bing] But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building. [Laura] Oh... [Chandler Bing] What? [Laura] I just realized why I remember this place. [Monica Geller] Really? What is it? [Laura] Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well. [Monica Geller] Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani? [Laura] Yes! [Chandler Bing] Of course it was! [Laura] Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't. [Chandler Bing] RAT BASTARD! [Laura] So you're not friends with him? [Chandler Bing] OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! No! [Laura] Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child... [Joey Tribbiani] Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? OW! [Laura] What was that? [Chandler Bing] Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay? [Ross Geller] SON OF A BITCH! Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! [Rachel Green] Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life. [Ross Geller] No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice. [Rachel Green] Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt? [Ross Geller] No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of. [Rachel Green] I know what this is all about... You've always been jealous of my hair. [Ross Geller] Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears. [Rachel Green] Alright fine. I'll do it. [Ross Geller] Good. [Rachel Green] If you hold a spider. [Ross Geller] WHAT? WHERE? WHERE? [Rachel Green] IF you hold a spider. [Ross Geller] I know. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe... [Chandler Bing] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!! [Laura] What's going on? [Chandler Bing] Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. [Joey Tribbiani] Guys!? [Monica Geller] Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today! [Joey Tribbiani] What's going on? [Chandler Bing] WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!! [Joey Tribbiani] Everything doesn't sound fine! [Laura] Is he alright out there by himself? [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie. [Laura] Bert and Ernie! [Chandler Bing] You can't make this stuff up! --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about that. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! It ended okay. One of my friends shot him. [Mike Hannigan] Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. Just like the kids I took the money from. [Mike Hannigan] No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there. [Phoebe Buffay] Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted. [Mike Hannigan] Alright, fine. We'll give the money back. [Phoebe Buffay] And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] We're back! [Charity Guy] Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM. [Mike Hannigan] No, no, we're here to give the money back. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children. [Phoebe Buffay] Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. No... Oh God... Oh! [Charity Guy] If I haven't said so already sir, congratulations! [Mike Hannigan] Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. Now... what do you think we should do? [Charity Guy] You know what? It's not your decision anymore. [Mike Hannigan] What? [Charity Guy] On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money. [Phoebe Buffay] But... but... but we're giving you this! [Charity Guy] Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, this is very generous! [Charity Guy] Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together. [Mike Hannigan] Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation. [Charity Guy] Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, is that you? [Charity Guy] No! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...! Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok, goodbye. [Chandler Bing] Wrong number? [Monica Geller] It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list. [Chandler Bing] That's great! [Monica Geller] Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh... [Chandler Bing] Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one. [Ross Geller] Ok... [Rachel Green] Ok... [Ross Geller] This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing! [Rachel Green] Ok... O-k... [Rachel Green] Ok... [Rachel Green] whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH! [Ross Geller] See? [Rachel Green] A-alright! I can do this. [Ross Geller] There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore. [Rachel Green] That's because he's on your neck. [Ross Geller] Well... Whaa... aaah... aaahhh... [Rachel Green] ROSS! end.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e07", "title": "The One With the Home Study"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With the Late Thanksgiving [Monica Geller] Hey guys! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] We need to talk to you about something. [Chandler Bing] Yeah. We don't feel like we can host Thanksgiving this year. [#ALL#] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Ross Geller] Are you kidding? [Chandler Bing] Well, it's just with uhm, work and the stress of adoption, we just don't feel like we have the energy. Plus, we don't think it's fair that every year the burden falls on us. [Ross Geller] That doesn't sound like you... That's Monica talking! [Chandler Bing] No, no! We made this decision together. [Ross Geller] She's putting words in your mouth! [Joey Tribbiani] Don't you put words in people's mouths, you put turkey in people's mouths! [Rachel Green] I can't believe this! This is Emma's first Thanksgiving! [Monica Geller] No, it's not! [Rachel Green] It's not? When was she born? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, personally I think it's great you're giving yourself a break. [Monica Geller] Thank you, Pheebs! [Phoebe Buffay] Sure. It's just as well... I mean, last year wasn't very good. I think she's losing her touch. [Monica Geller] What? You are way off, lady! [Phoebe Buffay] Am I? Really? Am I? Well, why don't you cook Thanksgiving dinner and prove me wrong! Well, think about it, think about it, you'll be trying to top than you did last year. You'd be in competition... with yourself. [Monica Geller] That's my favourite kind! Okay, we are doing this! [Chandler Bing] Don't let yourself get manipulated this way! [Monica Geller] Hey, stay out of this, Chandler! This is between me... and ME! [Chandler Bing] We are supposed to make these decisions together! Did you not watch the Doctor Phil I taped for you? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! Happy Thanksgiving! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, yeah, happy needless-turkey-murder day. [Monica Geller] You guys, I ordered some chocolate pies from that bakery on Bleecker. Could you pick them up for me? [Phoebe Buffay] You're not making the pies yourself? [Monica Geller] No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick. [Rachel Green] Did you at least win the contest? [Monica Geller] 2 minutes, 12 pies and a part of one tin! Okay, I see you guys at 4. [Rachel Green] Can't wait! [Monica Geller] This dinner is gonna be so great! In your face, last year "me"! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Rach. [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] What's Emma doing today? [Rachel Green] Well, let's see... uh... I know that she has a meeting with her lawyer and then she has to make a very big poop. Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, but, well, before you say no, my friend Susanne is entering her kid and compared to Emma she's a real dog! [Rachel Green] Oh! Phoebe, all babies are beautiful! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh... okay. [Rachel Green] Phoebe, just the idea of pitting one baby against another, I mean, you know, and judging who's cuter just for a trophy... [Rachel Green] And a thousand dollars. [Rachel Green] ...is something I'm very interested in! Oh please, do not tell Ross. He still believes that what's in the inside is important... [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, oh, and Emma needs a cowgirl outfit for the competition. [Rachel Green] Where am I gonna get a cowgirl outfit on Thanksgiving? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I was thinking... [Rachel Green] Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Did someone drop the baton again? [Chandler Bing] Why come all the way from Kansas to do that? [Monica Geller] I don't get older. I just get better! [Chandler Bing] You know what just occurred to me? This could be our last Thanksgiving just the two of us. I mean, we could be getting a baby soon! [Monica Geller] You don't know that. [Chandler Bing] Somebody is gonna pick us. [Monica Geller] Yeah, but we haven't heard a thing from the adoption agency and it has been weeks! [Chandler Bing] I'm telling ya! It's gonna happen. Next year it's gonna be you, me and the little Hemingway Bing. What, he's my favourite author! [Monica Geller] Name one of his books. [Chandler Bing] "The Firm"? [Monica Geller] Ok, let's see... uhm, okay, the turkey is in the oven, the stuffing is ready... [Chandler Bing] You know, you always cook this meal all by yourself. Let me help this year. [Monica Geller] Oh, Chandler, that's sweet. But you don't have to do everything Doctor Phil tells you to do. [Chandler Bing] I'm serious, let me do something, just not the turkey or the stuffing, nothing "high profile". [Monica Geller] Ok, let's see... Oh, the cranberry sauce, it is easy to make and no-one really cares about it. [Chandler Bing] Tell me more. [Monica Geller] Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these Not with soap!! [Chandler Bing] You obviously haven't tasted my Palmolive potatoes! [Ross Geller] Hey! Hey, guess what Joey has! [Joey Tribbiani] Three tickets to today's Rangers game!! [Ross Geller] Dude, I wanted him to guess. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh. [Chandler Bing] Oh my God! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, they're great seats too! [Ross Geller] Guess where they are? [Joey Tribbiani] Center ice. [Ross Geller] Did I do something to you? [Chandler Bing] Hmm, the game's at one. [Ross Geller] So? [Chandler Bing] Dinner is at four, we'll never gonna make it back. [Joey Tribbiani] So we'll leave before it's over, we'll be back in time. [Chandler Bing] You say that now, but it could take us a long time to get back home. Plus Joey could get lost and and they could have to page us to go pick him up. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, two times that happened! [Chandler Bing] Look, Monica has been working hard all day, she didn't wanna host this thing in the first place, we shouldn't go! [Ross Geller] He's right, man. [Joey Tribbiani] Right, I guess. Alright, so see you at four. [Chandler Bing] Okay. And get ready to taste my very special cranberries. Or should I say... chanberries! [Joey Tribbiani] That's some gentle comedy, dude. [Ross Geller] We're still going at the game, right? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! [Ross Geller] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Host] This is contestant number sixteen, Rebecca... [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Rachel Green] Oh Phoebe, listen. Well, I think we gotta go. This place is really freaking me out. I've been watching this guy over there, I don't think he came with a kid! [Phoebe Buffay] We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks! [Rachel Green] Phoebe, I think... It's just too weird, I just saw a one year old running around with pantyhose on! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I know, we should have been more prepared. It's okay. Now, the way I see it, our real competition now is Cameron. Oh my God, they just took her sweater off. Look at those arms! Hello Michelin Man. [Rachel Green] Oh, Phoebe! Come on! You know what, it's already three o'clock and they haven't even gotten to Emma's group yet. We gotta go, we got dinner! [Phoebe Buffay] But Emma's got what it takes, she could go all the way! [Rachel Green] Phoebe, you have to calm down. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. Rachel, the hottest babies in the Tri-State Area are in this room right now! I overheard one of the judges say that not one of them holds a candle to Emma! [Rachel Green] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! [Rachel Green] You heard them say that? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! [Rachel Green] All right, okay. Alright, let's give to these babies something to cry about! [Phoebe Buffay] Good! Oh yay! Let's get down to business! Emma needs some makeup! [Rachel Green] No, what? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, she's gonna look all washed out next to the other contestants! [Rachel Green] No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby! [Phoebe Buffay] Why not! [Rachel Green] Because I already did! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, Bob, get off the guy! [Ross Geller] Oh! What a game, huh? [Joey Tribbiani] I know, yeah. [Ross Geller] I can't believe Chandler is missing this! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. I am sorry he's not here too, but I got to say, I am really enjoying Nacho Chair. [Ross Geller] Yeah, I'd probably enjoy it more if you didn't keep batting my hand away. [Joey Tribbiani] Ohhhh! These seats are great! [Ross Geller] I know, I know! When I was here for Holidays on Ice I was sitting so far away Michelle Kwan couldn't read my banner! [Joey Tribbiani] Wow, hey, we'd better get going. If we don't leave right now, we'll be late for dinner. [Ross Geller] Oh, but it's a kind game! So we're a little late, you know, the girls will be there, let's stay just for one more goal. [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know... [Ross Geller] One more fight! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Ross Geller] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Where is everybody? They're forty-five minutes late! [Chandler Bing] I can't believe they are not here! I slave and I slave for what? They've ruined cranberry day! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] How late are we? [Ross Geller] Forty-five minutes. [Joey Tribbiani] Wow. [Ross Geller] Here! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! [Ross Geller] You may want to lose the foam finger! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You just want to put it on your hand! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! [Joey Tribbiani] You are not at Thanksgiving? [Rachel Green] No... [Phoebe Buffay] No, we're late! [Rachel Green] What are you doing here! [Ross Geller] We're late too! [Joey Tribbiani] We figured we could be late because you guys were gonna be on time. [Phoebe Buffay] Don't point that thing at me, Tribbiani! [Ross Geller] So, nobody's here? Monica's gonna kill us! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, where were you! [Ross Geller] Yeah, yeah, what's with the trophy! [Phoebe Buffay] Uh, we were at the Spelling Bee! [Rachel Green] And I won! [Ross Geller] You won an adult Thanksgiving day spelling bee. [Rachel Green] Yes! Y-E-S. Yes! [Ross Geller] Let me see this... Grand Supreme Little Darling, New York Division. [Rachel Green] Yeah. That's me! [Ross Geller] You entered Emma into a Beauty Pageant? [Phoebe Buffay] And it looks like she put makeup on her! [Joey Tribbiani] Wait a second, wait a second, where have I seen that cowgirl outfit before... [Ross Geller] I can't believe this, she's our daughter! That you would treat her like some kind of showdog is inexcusable! [Rachel Green] She won a thousand dollars! [Ross Geller] So this is an annual thing? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! That's Alicia Mae Emory's outfit! [Phoebe Buffay] You guys, there are people in there who are not getting any happier! [Ross Geller] Yeah. What are we gonna do? [Rachel Green] Well, I don't know, you guys figure it out, I got to put Emma down for a nap. [Joey Tribbiani] All right. Hey Rach, while you're in there, throw something on Alicia Mae. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, what are we gonna say? [Ross Geller] Ooh, we'll say that we were mugged! You can't get mad at someone who's been mugged! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, good, that's good, but you don't look like you were mugged! [Joey Tribbiani] No. Here. [Ross Geller] HEY! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Do you hear something? [Chandler Bing] They're out there! [Monica Geller] Ohhh! Let me see! Oh God, I can't believe this! They're an hour late and they're just staying out there, talking! [Chandler Bing] Everything is so distorted! Looks like Joey has a giant hand! Which says "Rangers" on it. They went to the game! [Monica Geller] Oooh! They are in for a world of pain! [Chandler Bing] Ross' shirt is torn. [Monica Geller] Oh! They're late and they're sloppy! [Rachel Green] Alright, Emma is napping... what happened to your shirt? [Ross Geller] I got mugged. And they stole my pocket. [Phoebe Buffay] We're just... we're trying to figure out an excuse. Hey! Ooh! How about this: We can say that Monica told us 5 o'clock, not 4 o'clock. That way we're right on time! OR... or, we can plant PCP in the apartment and call the cops on her. [Ross Geller] That would be a good way to get rid of all the PCP we have lying around. [Rachel Green] You know what, we just say that she said it was 5 o'clock. We'll just act casual. We're not late, we're right on time. [Ross Geller] We know you're out there. [Joey Tribbiani] Who do you think its from? [Rachel Green] Oh, God. This is bad. This is so bad. [Ross Geller] Well, let's just go in there and face them. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I'm not going in first. I bet that vein on Monica's forehead is popping like crazy. [Joey Tribbiani] I hate that thing, it's like a... bolt of lightning. [Rachel Green] Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. Ready? . [Joey Tribbiani] Ah-haah! I win!! [Ross Geller] What is that? [Joey Tribbiani] That's fire. Beats everything. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? . [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh! Well played, Phoebe Buffay, well played. [Rachel Green] Alright, enough, enough, come on. Let's just all go in at the same time. [#ALL#] Alright, okay. [Phoebe Buffay] It's locked. [Ross Geller] Wha...? Oh sure, now they lock it, but when they're having sex on the couch, its like: "Come on in, my butt is surprisingly hairy". [Rachel Green] Alright, come on... Alright, you guys. We're so sorry we're late. Please let us in, so we can have dinner together. [Monica Geller] No! Everything's cold. The turkey's dried out and the... the stuffing is all soggy. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce that... what happens to cranberry sauce? [Monica Geller] Nothing. It's fine. [Chandler Bing] Oh thank God! [Ross Geller] Come on you guys, we're sorry, alri...? Our subway broke down. [Chandler Bing] That's a lie, you went to the game, I can see Joey's hand. [Ross Geller] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TAKE IT OFF!! [Rachel Green] You guys, come on, it doesn't matter why we're late. We're all here now, please let us in so we can have some of your delicious turkey. [Joey Tribbiani] I had a dream once about a fax machine that did that. [Monica Geller] That's all the turkey you're gonna get. [Ross Geller] How are we gonna decide who gets this? [Joey Tribbiani] WATER BALLOON! [Phoebe Buffay] What are we gonna do? I'm starving. [Rachel Green] Oh, I just remembered. We do have something to eat. Monica put something in our oven this morning. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah! [Monica Geller] Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry. [Chandler Bing] Guys, I'd listen to her. The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it. [Rachel Green] Huh... OH MY GOD IT'S BRUSSELS SPROUTS. [Ross Geller] That's worse than no food. [Chandler Bing] HA-HA! All you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts! [Monica Geller] Stinky?! [Chandler Bing] Please let me stay on this side of the door. [Rachel Green] Oh, I know... I still have my old key! We can just unlock the door. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I don't know if that's such a good idea. They clearly don't want to be with us. [Rachel Green] You know what? I don't want to be with them either, but it's Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together. [Joey Tribbiani] Just get in there and make a face to face apology, you know? Look them in the eye. I know I can get them to forgive us. [Ross Geller] I don't know... [Joey Tribbiani] I'm telling ya... I can do it. [Ross Geller] Yeah, he can do it! [Rachel Green] Oh! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! It all looks so beautiful: the turkey, the stuffing... [Chandler Bing] The cranberries...? [Monica Geller] Oh! Enough! A monkey could have made 'em! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey listen guys, we feel really terrible. [Chandler Bing] He's doing that weird eye contact thing. Don't look at him, don't look at him! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on you guys, we want you to know we're very very sorry. Right guys? [Ross Geller] I feel terrible. [Phoebe Buffay] So, so sorry. [Joey Tribbiani] Now let's not ruin this day. You worked so hard. Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together, huh? [Chandler Bing] The floating heads do make a good point. [Monica Geller] Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad. [Rachel Green] So bad. [Ross Geller] So bad. [Phoebe Buffay] So bad. [Monica Geller] Okay, okay. You two go get the dessert. And I'll let you in. [Rachel Green] Dessert? [Monica Geller] Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies. You did remember, right? [Phoebe Buffay] Pies, oh, we thought you said priiiize . Here! . [Monica Geller] Grand Supreme Little Darling? [Rachel Green] Congratulatioooons! [Monica Geller] Oh my God! YOU FORGOT THE PIES? Well, I cannot believe this. You force me to make dinner, then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do. [Ross Geller] Really girls, not cool. [Chandler Bing] Well, you manheads aren't any better. You lied about going to the game. You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! I'm getting a little tired of this okay? We said we're sorry. It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes! A day of forgiveness! [Ross Geller] It's a day to be thankful. [Joey Tribbiani] Don't make me come up there! [Monica Geller] It's too late for apologies. [Joey Tribbiani] Fine! Let's just go. I don't need your stupid dinner. [Chandler Bing] That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling. [Rachel Green] Ewww, is that what that is? [Joey Tribbiani] Sorry! [Phoebe Buffay] Come on you guys, let's just do our own Thanksgiving. [Rachel Green] Yeah! I'll cook! [Ross Geller] Yeah! Let's go out. [Rachel Green] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! You three have a nice Thanksgiving. [Monica Geller] The three of us? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! You, Chan, and the vein! [Joey Tribbiani] Ha! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh-oh! I'm stuck! [Monica Geller] Joey, that is not gonna work. [Joey Tribbiani] No seriously... I'm really wedged in here. [Phoebe Buffay] I'll pull you through. [Ross Geller] Okay. [Joey Tribbiani] aaw-ahhh-aaahhh STOP! STOP! I'm worried about damaging my head. [Chandler Bing] A little late for that. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright, hurry up, you gotta do something. [Monica Geller] Alright, well, this does not change anything. Okay, we need to get something to grease the sides of his face. [Chandler Bing] Uhm, we've got turkey grease. [Monica Geller] Bring it. [Joey Tribbiani] I just wanna say that I'm sorry I referred to the vein as a seperate person... [Monica Geller] Here you go! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, that smells good! [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Monica Geller] Okay, try it. [Joey Tribbiani] It isn't working. [Monica Geller] Alright, we're gonna have to unscrew the chain. [Joey Tribbiani] Well hurry, I can't feel my ears! [Chandler Bing] Can you ever feel your ears? [Joey Tribbiani] Interesting... [Monica Geller] Chandler, where are your tools? [Chandler Bing] Oh, I left them on my bulldozer... I don't have tools! [Monica Geller] I do, but Rachel borrowed them. [Rachel Green] I lent them to Ross. [Ross Geller] I gave them to Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] I left them at the park. [Monica Geller] Oh! [Ross Geller] I'm finding it really hard not to mess with him. [Phoebe Buffay] I've already stuffed a bunch of Brussel sprouts down his pants. [Ross Geller] Nice! [Monica Geller] Okay, I have to get that. Now when I get back, I want you and your friends to be gone. Thanksgiving is over. The Vein has spoken. [Joey Tribbiani] It's really starting to hurt. [Chandler Bing] Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH! [Phoebe Buffay] Just a sec., we're kind in the middle of something here. [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh! Stop putting things down my pants! [Chandler Bing] Come on guys, PUSH! [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! Come on! [Chandler Bing] PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! [Chandler Bing] My cranberries! [Joey Tribbiani] Man, I've got food all over me. [Chandler Bing] Argh! I can't believe what you did. Monica's gonna kill you! [Chandler Bing] Look! Look! Look what the... Look what... Look what the floating heads did! [Monica Geller] I don't care. [Chandler Bing] What's going on? [Monica Geller] That was the adoption agency... [Chandler Bing] And? [Monica Geller] WE'RE GETTING A BABY! [Chandler Bing] Are you serious? [Monica Geller] There's a pregnant woman in Ohio, and she picked us! [Rachel Green] I'm so happy for you! [Monica Geller] This Thanksgiving kicks last Thanksgiving's ass! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] To Monica and Chandler... and that knocked up girl in Ohio. [Ross Geller] I'm just so happy you guys are finally getting a kid. [Phoebe Buffay] I know. Have you considered pageanting? [Monica Geller] I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I know how you feel... [Rachel Green] Really? [Joey Tribbiani] Sure. I went through the exact same thing with Alicia Mae Emory... The waiting, the wandering... Then one day... I get that call from Toys "R" Us... She was in stock! [Chandler Bing] That is the exact same thing.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e08", "title": "The One With the Late Thanksgiving"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With The Birth Mother [Chandler Bing] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! [Chandler Bing] We're just here to say goodbye, we're off to Ohio. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, right! Your adoption interview! [Monica Geller] Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby. [Joey Tribbiani] I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird! [Chandler Bing] And so incorrect! [Monica Geller] She's only a couple of months pregnant. She liked our application but who knows if she's gonna like us. [Ross Geller] Come on, she's gonna love you guys! [Chandler Bing] Uhm, thank you, but we're really trying not to get our hopes up. [Monica Geller] And a lot could still get in our way. [Chandler Bing] Yeah. I mean, this girl could decide against adoption or she could like another couple better.. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you gonna name the baby? [Chandler Bing] I can develop a condition in which I talk and talk and no one hears a word. [Joey Tribbiani] But just think, ok? What if everything goes right? What if this woman does pick you guys? [Monica Geller] Oh my God. She's gonna pick us! [Chandler Bing] So we're standing firm on the 'not getting our hopes up'? [Monica Geller] You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby! [Chandler Bing] Yes, but... [Monica Geller] Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY! [Chandler Bing] Oh, screw it, I'm gonna be a daddy!! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hey, who's Phoebe with? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm gonna say someone I'm gonna have sex with. Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] So... who's your friend? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, that's Sarah. No, no. Don't you get any ideas, ok? No, I'm not setting you up with any more of my friends! [Joey Tribbiani] OW, why, why, why? [Phoebe Buffay] Because you'll date her once, sleep with her and then forget she exists! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, name one friend of yours that I did that with. [Phoebe Buffay] Mandy. [Joey Tribbiani] Mandy, uh? Uh... really hot blonde, big boobs? [Phoebe Buffay] No. [Joey Tribbiani] I know why I don't remember her, huh? [Rachel Green] Do you think I'm someone else? [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, I may not have treated your friends well in the past, but I have grown up a lot, really. Honest, Rach? [Rachel Green] Well, believe it or not, it's true. When Joey and I were together, he was wonderful. He was thoughtful and mature. And for the one week that we went out, he didn't sleep with anybody else! [Joey Tribbiani] Growth! [Phoebe Buffay] Fine, I'll give you her number. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok, thank you. And I promise you I will not forget this one. Mandy. [Phoebe Buffay] SARAH! [Joey Tribbiani] Saraaah. [Ross Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey you guys, I need some fashion advice. [Rachel Green] Oh! [Ross Geller] How does this look? [Rachel Green] Well, it's a little low... pick up a little... a little bit more... a little bit more... There you go! Now throw it away! [Ross Geller] C'mon! This looks good! [Rachel Green] Ross, please, trust me. I buy 30 fashion magazines a month. Now, I don't know who's running for president or who that... NATO guy is, but I do know that you have to get as far away as you can from that hat. [Ross Geller] Damnit! I have this date tomorrow night and I have to look cool! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, you know, if you want fashion help, Rachel and I are going shopping tomorrow. You're more than welcome to come with us, right? [Ross Geller] Really? That would be great. I mean, I have to do something, she kinda teased me about how I dress. [Joey Tribbiani] I can see why, nice shirt! [Ross Geller] You're wearing the same shirt. [Joey Tribbiani] Stupid Gap on every corner! --------------------------------------- [Agency Guy] Please, make yourself comfortable and I will back in a moment with Erica. [Monica Geller] Ok, thank you. Uh, well this is it. Are you OK? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. Just weird, you know. It's like: "Hi, I'm Chandler. May I have the human growing inside you?" [Monica Geller] Uh, we're gonna be great. [Chandler Bing] You're gonna be great. [Monica Geller] Well... obviously! [Agency Guy] Monica, Chandler. I'd like you to meet Erica. [Monica Geller] Hi. It is so, so nice to meet you. [Erica] Hi... [Chandler Bing] Thank you so much for agreeing to see us. [Erica] Hi. [Agency Guy] I'll let you get acquainted. [Chandler Bing] Ok. [Erica] So, it's Monica and Chandler. I only know you as file 0W33815-D. [Chandler Bing] That's what our friends call us. [Erica] Gosh, you know, you're just such an amazing couple. It's... kind of intimidating. [Monica Geller] I don't know about that. [Erica] You're kidding me? I mean, it's enough that you are a doctor. But on top of it, you're married to a reverend? [Chandler Bing] I don't think that's exactly... [Monica Geller] Let her finish, doctor. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, my friend Sarah had a great time last night. [Joey Tribbiani] Well... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! So you're gonna call this one back? [Joey Tribbiani] Nope. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you talking about? Sarah's great! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, really? You know what your great friend did? We're out to dinner, ok? We're getting along, having a really nice time. I was thinking she was really cool. And then, out of nowhere... [Phoebe Buffay] That's it? That's why you won't go out with her again? So, she took some fries, big deal! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey, look! It's not about a few fries... it's about what the fries represent. [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Joey Tribbiani] ALL FOOD! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, I can't believe I set you up with such a MONSTER! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look. I take a girl out, she can order whatever she wants! The more, the better! All right? Just don't order a Garden salad and then eat my food! That's a good way to lose some fingers! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh. [Rachel Green] Hi. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank God you're here. Listen to this! [Rachel Green] what? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey and my friend were out last night and having dinner and she reaches over and takes a few of his fries... [Rachel Green] Oh! Oh, no! [Phoebe Buffay] What? You know about the plate thing? [Rachel Green] Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I mean, just last week we were having breakfast and he had a couple of grapes on his plate and ... [Phoebe Buffay] You wouldn't let her have a grape? [Rachel Green] Oh no! Not me! Emma! [Joey Tribbiani] JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I still think that it's a stupid reason not to call someone again. You are calling her! And if you need to, just get an extra plate of fries for the table! [Joey Tribbiani] I like that! A sharing buffer! Yeah! I'll order some extra fries! Maybe a plate of onion rings. Yeah. And a shrimp cocktail. And some buffalo wings. Maybe an individual pizza, uh? And some mozzarella sticks. What were we talking about? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] This place is awesome! [Ross Geller] You know, we should just go, I'm not gonna find anything here! This stuff is ridiculous! [Rachel Green] Ah, this place is great! [Phoebe Buffay] Wow! [Ross Geller] Rach, come on, I'm not gonna wear any of this! Nothing silver. . Ok? Nothing with hair! And nothing with padlocks on it! . [Rachel Green] Ross, look, I know that some of this stuff is out there, but I mean, come on, look at this, look at this sweater! . I mean, this is just beautiful! [Ross Geller] Wow, this is really soft . Three hundred and fifty dollars? [Rachel Green] Yeah, down from seven hundred, you are saving like two hundred bucks! [Ross Geller] Both logic and math are taking a serious hit today. Phoebe : Hey, check this out! It's totally you! [Ross Geller] Wow! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! [Ross Geller] Actually this looks like pretty good! Yeah! Boys will be boys? [Phoebe Buffay] What? They will be! [Ross Geller] All right, that's it, I'm getting out of here. [Rachel Green] No, no, no, no! Ross, wait! Come on! You know, there's other stuff. Here's a nice shirt, look at these nice pants... [Ross Geller] Uh, actually these might look pretty good on me. [Rachel Green] Yes, they will! You know what you should do? Just go take a walk, all right? I know your size and I'm... I'm gonna pick up some really good stuff for you. [Ross Geller] Really? [Rachel Green] Yes! And I know what looks sexy on guys. Please, just wear what I suggest, and she's gonna go nuts for you. [Ross Geller] So, you're saying, uh, if I wear these pants I might be getting into hers? [Rachel Green] Why do men keep talking to me like this? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] So, the fact that I am a doctor, and my wife's a reverend, that's important to you? [Erica] Yeah, I read some great applications, but then I thought "who better then a minister to raise a child!" [Monica Geller] Amen. [Chandler Bing] Plus I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor! [Monica Geller] Uh, good hands. Healing hands. [Erica] Reverend, can I ask? Does the bible say anything about adoption? [Monica Geller] It says "Do it!". And behold she did adopt onto them a baby. And it was good. [Erica] Wow. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, wow. [Erica] I was wondering you both have such serious jobs. Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock? [Monica Geller] Oh, you know, my flock is good, I mean, yeah, my flock pretty much takes care of themselves at this point. Good flock. Flock, flock, flock. [Erica] Being a doctor must take up a lot of time. [Chandler Bing] No-ot for me it doesn't. [Agency Guy] So, how's everything going in here? [Erica] We're great, I think I may have asked all my questions. [Agency Guy] Do you have any question for Erica? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, actually. So, you read a file that you liked and you gave the agency the serial number and they contacted us? [Agency Guy] Yes, our system assures total anonimity. We're very proud of it. [Chandler Bing] You should be. You're really on top of stuff.. [Agency Guy] Well, then if there's nothing else, then the two of us should talk. [Erica] Actually, I don't think we have to. [Monica Geller] We don't? [Erica] Yeah, when I read about you two, I was pretty sure I wanted you, but I just thought we should meet face to face. . I've made my decision. I choose them. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, this is great! This is so great! . Did you hear that? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I did. [Monica Geller] Hey, thank you. Thank you so much. . You are SO going to Heaven! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] We got some really great stuff! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, yeah but I am not sure about some of the bra's I got. [Rachel Green] Oh! Really? Do you wanna try some of them on for me? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! okay. Wait, are we in Joey's imagination? [Rachel Green] Oh no! I took one of Ross' bags by mistake, and one of mine is missing. [Phoebe Buffay] oh, well, Ross probably has it, you can get it from him later. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] So? What do you think? [Joey Tribbiani] I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!! [Ross Geller] Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, I really don't think you should be wearing that. [Ross Geller] Oh, I see, somebody is afraid of a little competition with the ladies? [Joey Tribbiani] Looks like someone IS the ladies!! [Ross Geller] You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me I have a date. See? ALL eyes on ME! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] We are NOT signing those papers. [Monica Geller] Why not? [Chandler Bing] It's wrong. They made a mistake. They think we're somebody else. [Monica Geller] God works in mysterious ways. [Chandler Bing] You have gotta stop! [Monica Geller] But she liked us. [Chandler Bing] She likes Doctor Chandler and Reverend Monica. [Monica Geller] Well, if you think about it, I am kind of like a Reverend. I mean, as a chef, I serve God, by feeing the hungry and poor. [Chandler Bing] Your Veal Chop is $34,95! [Monica Geller] C'mon Chandler, I think we have been given an opportunity. I mean, the mistake has already been made. They are writing up the paper right now. [Chandler Bing] But we are not the one she chose! How can you feel okay about this? [Monica Geller] Because... We may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us. [Chandler Bing] I know.. [Monica Geller] I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us? [Chandler Bing] oh, honey.. [Monica Geller] Please.. please, we are so close. [Chandler Bing] Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. [Monica Geller] okay, right. [Chandler Bing] So, we'll tell the truth and who knows, maybe she'll like us for us. [Monica Geller] Maybe she will. Uh! Why couldn't I have been a Reverend? [Chandler Bing] You're Jewish. [Monica Geller] Technicality! --------------------------------------- [Waiter] A garden salad for the lady. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, that looks great! Good ordering! [Waiter] Seafood platter for the gentleman and extra fries. Enjoy! [Sarah] Mmmh, those fries look delicious. [Joey Tribbiani] oh, I didn't know you liked French fries. Help yourself! What's mine is yours. [Sarah] Oh wow, are those stuffed clams? [Joey Tribbiani] Uuuh.. yes, they are my stuffed clams. [Joey Tribbiani] How about those fries though, huh? [Sarah] They are delicious. [Joey Tribbiani] You are beautiful, you know that? [Sarah] Oh, that is so sweet.. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh okay.. [Joey Tribbiani] NOW look what you did!! [Sarah] What? what is the matter with you? [Joey Tribbiani] I don't like it when people take food off of my plate, okay? [Sarah] But you just said "What's mine is yours"? [Joey Tribbiani] WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN IT! [Sarah] Fine, I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm sorry, I'm overreacting. Okay, It's just when it comes to food, I have certain rules, okay, I mean There are things you do..and you now, things.. that you don't do . --------------------------------------- [Girl] Wow, this place looks great. [Ross Geller] Oh! You are gonna love it! and I'm so glad, we're finally doing this. [Girl] Me too! [Ross Geller] Here So this was fun! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] I really am sorry about, you know..before. I just want to make sure you know that I really do like you. [Sarah] Sure Just not as much as clams. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, stuffed clams. [Waiter] Chocolate Torte for the lady, cheesecake for the gentleman. [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, excuse me sir, there seems to be some sort of red crap on my cheesecake. [Waiter] Yes, that's Raspberry coule. [Joey Tribbiani] So stupid, ordering cheesecake, trying to be healthy. [Sarah] Oh my God! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, all right, I'll just have what she's having instead. [Waiter] Oh, I'm sorry sir, that was our last piece. [Sarah] Mmmm! Mmm! [Sarah] Oh, no! This is work. I should call in. Can you excuse me? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh yeah, sure. No problem. [Sarah] What are you doing? I thought you don't share food. [Joey Tribbiani] Sure I do. Coule? [Sarah] No. If I can't have your clams, you can't have my dessert. This is a two way street. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? [Sarah] Really! Now this all better be here when I come back. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, of course. I can control myself. [Joey Tribbiani] Stop staring at me! [Joey Tribbiani] Why, just a tiny little... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh-oh! TIME LAPSE. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm not even sorry. --------------------------------------- [Erica] Hi! [Adoption Agency Guy] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Agency Guy] So, these are the preliminary forms for an open adoption. There's a lot to go over, but I'll explain everything as we go through it. [Monica Geller] I-Is... Is that a picture? [Erica] Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. [Monica Geller] Look, doctor! Look, before we sign anything we really have to talk... We're not who you think we are. [Agency Guy] I don't understand. [Chandler Bing] The agency must have made some mistake. My wife is not a reverend and I'm not a doctor. [Erica] What? [Agency Guy] That's impossible. [Chandler Bing] I could perform an operation on you and prove it if you'd like. [Agency Guy] I'll go check your file. Excuse me. [Erica] So who are you? [Chandler Bing] Well, our names really are Monica and Chandler. We're from New York. [Monica Geller] Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. [Erica] So you lied to me before? [Monica Geller] Well, we... "bore false witness"... See I could be a reverend. [Erica] I can't believe this. [Monica Geller] But we were hoping that since we told you the truth that you still might consider... [Erica] Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this? [Monica Geller] Well, you don't have to decide right now, but if you could just look at our file... [Erica] I don't want to look at your file! This is over. [Chandler Bing] Erica wait! [Erica] I've nothing to say to you. [Chandler Bing] You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again. [Erica] Why don't you ask the reverend to pray on it? [Chandler Bing] Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising. [Erica] Oh yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. [Chandler Bing] But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please? [Chandler Bing] You still want that baby? [Monica Geller] God bless you Chandler Bing! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Turns out this sweater is made for a woman. [Joey Tribbiani] So, why are you still wearing it? [Ross Geller] Because it's soft... Hey, so how was your date? [Joey Tribbiani] Ooh... Not so good. [Ross Geller] Well, looks like it's just the two of us tonight, huh old buddy? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, and you know what? We could do a lot worse. [Joey Tribbiani] JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD! end.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e09", "title": "The One With The Birth Mother"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Chandler Gets Caught [Monica Geller] Mmh... this cake is amazing! [Rachel Green] My God, get a room! [Monica Geller] I would get a room with this cake. I think I could show this cake a good time! [Phoebe Buffay] If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex? [Monica Geller] Sex! [Chandler Bing] Seriously, answer faster! [Monica Geller] Oh, I'm sorry honey, you know, but when she said "sex" I wasn't thinking about "sex with you"! [Chandler Bing] It's like a giant hug. [Phoebe Buffay] Ross, how about you. What would you give up, sex or food? [Ross Geller] Food. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, how about... uhm... sex or dinosaurs? [Ross Geller] Oh my God. It's like Sophie's Choice. [Rachel Green] Oh God. What about you, Joe? What would you give up, sex or food? [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard. [Rachel Green] No, you gotta pick one! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, how cute! [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, she looks just like a little doll! [Rachel Green] Oh, no, no. That is a doll. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing's really creepy! Look, there's Chandler. [Rachel Green] Oh. Who is the blonde, she's pretty. [Phoebe Buffay] OH! He's having an affair. [Rachel Green] He's not having an affair! [Phoebe Buffay] You know, I'm always right about these things. [Rachel Green] No, you're not! Last week you thought Ross was trying to kill you! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to believe that anyone would tell a story that dull just to tell it! See, there's something going on with them. Look, he's getting into the car with her! [Rachel Green] Oh, that doesn't mean anything. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah? Well, let's see. Ok, duck down. [Chandler Bing] Hello. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, hi Chandler. It's Phoebe. Uhm... I know that Monica is working today so... ...I was wondering if you want to come to the movies with me and Rachel. [Chandler Bing] Oh, uhm... I have to work too. Yeah, I'm stuck at the office all day. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, well, it's a shame that you-that you miss the movie 'cause we were gonna see, you know, either "Liar, Liar" or "Betrayal", or... "An Affair To Remember". [Chandler Bing] Those are all really old! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, then maybe it'll be, uhm... [Rachel Green] "Dude, Where's My Car?" [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Rachel Green] They're in a caaar... [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, we-we'll talk to you later. Okay, bye. [Rachel Green] Geez! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. Quick. We gotta find a cab and follow them. [Rachel Green] Oh, yeah, ok. Let me just grab my night vision goggles and my stun gun. [Phoebe Buffay] I got them! --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hi! [Monica Geller] Hey! You smell like perfume and cigarettes. [Chandler Bing] I was in the car with Nancy all day. [Monica Geller] Nancy doesn't smoke! [Chandler Bing] Well, at least the perfume is not mine, be thankful for that! [Monica Geller] So? What do you think of the house? [Chandler Bing] It's perfect. It's everything we've been looking for. [Monica Geller] Isn't it? Then what about the amazing wainscotting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic? [Chandler Bing] And the wiggle wharms and the zip zorps? What were the things you said? [Monica Geller] Don't you love the huge yard? [Chandler Bing] And the fireplace in the bedroom. [Monica Geller] And Nancy said that it's really under price, because the guy lost his job and has to move in with his parents! [Chandler Bing] This is bringing out a lovely color in you! [Monica Geller] So? Do you think we should get it? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. What do you think? [Monica Geller] I think we should. [Chandler Bing] I do too. [Monica Geller] This is huge! [Chandler Bing] I know. [Monica Geller] How bad you wanna smoke, right now. [Chandler Bing] I don't know what you mean, giant talking cigarette! Oh, by the way, Phoebe called just as I was getting into Nancy's car, so if she asks you, I was at work all day. [Monica Geller] Gotcha. When do we tell them about this? [Chandler Bing] We don't. Not until it's a hundred percent. I mean, why upset everybody over nothing. [Monica Geller] Okay. Right. Oh my God that is gonna be so hard. [Chandler Bing] I know. Gooooood luck with it. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] I just can't see Chandler cheating! [Rachel Green] I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester, the went in for like forty-five minutes and then they came out looking pretty happy! [Joey Tribbiani] Chandler? Forty-five minutes? Well, something is not right. I just can't believe he would do this to Monica! [Ross Geller] I know, and with the baby coming? [Phoebe Buffay] So, should we tell her? [Ross Geller] I don't know. Phoebe, if one of us saw Mike with another woman would you want us to tell you? [Phoebe Buffay] Why? Who'd you seen him with? [Ross Geller] No one, I'm just saying if... [Phoebe Buffay] TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! [Ross Geller] I know nothing! Mike's a great guy, it was hypothetical! [Phoebe Buffay] All right. . He is a good guy. You're right, he wouldn't cheat. [Ross Geller] Believe me, if I did see with someone, there's no way I... [Phoebe Buffay] WHO DID YOU SEE HIM WITH? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh, look at her, so happy! [Monica Geller] If only there were a smaller one to clean this one! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, is uhm... is Chandler here? [Monica Geller] No, he's picking up dinner, why, what's up? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, look, whatever happens, we're here for you and we love you. [Monica Geller] All right... [Ross Geller] We think Chandler might be having an affair. [Monica Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester. [Phoebe Buffay] They went in together. So sorry. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! Oh my God that's awful! What did you think of the house? [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Monica, you understand what we are saying, right? [Monica Geller] Yeah, sure... uhm, I'm devastated, obviously... Did you think the neighborhood was homey? [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] You son of a bitch! [Chandler Bing] Is it me, or have the greetings gone downhill around here? [Monica Geller] Phoebe and Rachel saw you with Nancy today and... em... they think you're having an affair. [Rachel Green] Who's Nancy? [Ross Geller] What's going on? [Monica Geller] Ok, alright, you guys, you'd better sit down, this is pretty big. [Chandler Bing] Yeah I'm not having an affair. Nancy is our realtor. [Joey Tribbiani] I knew he couldn't be with a woman for 45 minutes!! [Phoebe Buffay] Why do you have a realtor? [Monica Geller] Uhm, she has been showing us houses outside of the city. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Rachel Green] Are you serious? [Monica Geller] When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city. [Phoebe Buffay] So you're gonna move? [Ross Geller] Oh my God. [Joey Tribbiani] Shouldn't we all vote on stuff like this?! [Rachel Green] What is wrong with raising a kid in the city? I'm doing it, Ross is doing it, Sarah Jessica Parker is doing it! [Monica Geller] And that's great for you guys, but we want a lawn and a swingset... [Chandler Bing] ...and a street where our kids can ride their bikes and maybe an ice-cream truck can go by. [Ross Geller] So you wanna buy a house in the 50's? [Phoebe Buffay] Have you thought about what you would be giving up? You can't move out of the city, what if you want Chinese food at 5am? Or a fake Rolex that breaks as soon as it rains or an Asian hooker sent right to your door? [Ross Geller] You know what, if you wanna look for a house, that's okay. [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, it's not, don't listen to him! I'm gonna thump you! [Ross Geller] It's ok, because they have to get it out of their system, okay , but you're going to realize, this is the only place, you wanna be. [Chandler Bing] Actually, we already found a house we love. [Ross Geller] What? [Monica Geller] And about an hour ago, we made an offer. [Chandler Bing] Bet you wish I was having an affair now, huh? TIME LAPSE. [Ross Geller] You put an offer on a house? [Monica Geller] It's so sweet. It really is. It has this big yard that leads down to this stream and then there's these old maple trees... [Phoebe Buffay] Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers? [Chandler Bing] I know this is really hard and we're really sorry. [Joey Tribbiani] Is this because I come over here without knocking and eat your food? Because I can stop doing that, I really, really think I can! [Chandler Bing] You know that's not the reason Joe. [Monica Geller] We think if you saw it, you'd understand. I mean you guys were there. It is beautiful, isn't it? [Rachel Green] Yeah it is. [Joey Tribbiani] What the hell are you doin'? [Rachel Green] Well, it is, all right? When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was: I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but MAN this would be a nice place to live! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, but so is this. [Ross Geller] Yeah, I mean, if you moved there, you have to leave here. I mean, how can you leave this place? [Rachel Green] C'mon Daddy, listen to me! All of my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying that I am a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! [Ross Geller] You can see where he'd have trouble. [Rachel Green] Well maybe I'll just stay here with Monica. [Monica Geller] Well, I guess we've established who's staying here with Monica... [Ross Geller] That money is mine, Green! [Rachel Green] You're fly is open, Geller! [Phoebe Buffay] You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence? [Chandler Bing] Hey, that's...'joincidence' with a 'C'! [Phoebe Buffay] Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles. [Rachel Green] Ow, that had to hurt! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead of watching football, you could help. [The Guys] We will. [Monica Geller] Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles. [Rachel Green] No Mon, you want to put them in concentric circles. I want to do this. [Monica Geller] Every year. [Joey Tribbiani] It's stuck!!! [Phoebe Buffay] Easy. Step. How did it get on? [Joey Tribbiani] I put it on to scare Chandler! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God! Monica's gonna totally freak out! [Joey Tribbiani] It smells really bad in here. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, of course it smells really bad. You have your head inside a turkey's ass! [Monica Geller] Hey, did you get the turkey bast-Oh my God! Oh my God! Who is that? [Joey Tribbiani] It's Joey. [Monica Geller] I got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster? [Rachel Green] Oooohh that's interesting. [Chandler Bing] If you win, we give up the birds. [Joey Tribbiani] Dah!! [Chandler Bing] But if we win, we get your apartment. [Joey Tribbiani] Oooooh! [Monica Geller] Deal! TIME LAPSE. [Ross Geller] What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie? [Joey Tribbiani] Big fat goalie. [Ross Geller] Correct. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie... [Chandler Bing] Dangerous Liaisons. [Ross Geller] Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... [Joey Tribbiani] Weekend at Bernie's. [Ross Geller] Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? [Joey Tribbiani] Everyday use. [Chandler Bing] Fancy. [Joey Tribbiani] Guest. [Chandler Bing] Fancy guest. [Ross Geller] Two seconds... [Joey Tribbiani] Uhh, 11! [Ross Geller] 11, unbelievable, 11 is correct. [Ross Geller] Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast? [Rachel Green] 14? [Ross Geller] No, 19. [Chandler Bing] Thanks man. [Ross Geller] Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was? [Monica Geller] Maurice. [Ross Geller] Correct, his profession was? [Rachel Green] Space cowboy! [Ross Geller] Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job? [Rachel Green] Ow...Oh Gosh! [Ross Geller] 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. [Monica Geller] It's umm, it has something to do with transponding. [Rachel Green] Oh-oh-oh, he's a transponce-transpondster! [Monica Geller] That's not even a word! [Monica Geller] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! TIME LAPSE. [Rachel Green] Y'know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes! [Rachel Green] That is not true. She did! She forced me! [Monica Geller] Hey, we would still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong! [Rachel Green] Well it stupid, unfair question! [Ross Geller] Don't blame the questions! [Chandler Bing] Would you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us! [Ross Geller] Chandler!!! Chandler!!! Chandler, I saw what you were doing through the window! Chandler, I saw what you were doing to my sister! Now get out here! [Chandler Bing] Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! [Monica Geller] Hey Ross. What's up bro? [Ross Geller] What the hell are doing?!! [Rachel Green] Hey, what's-what's going on?! [Chandler Bing] Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica. [Joey Tribbiani] Dude! He's right there! [Ross Geller] I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this! [Chandler Bing] Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her. [Monica Geller] I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but iit-t's true, I love him too. [Ross Geller] My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. [Monica Geller] Well, this is the last box of your clothes. I'm just gonna label it, "What were you thinking?" [Rachel Green] Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, you guys, I don't mean to make things worse, but umm, I don't want to live with Rachel anymore. [Monica Geller] What?! [Phoebe Buffay] You're just so mean to each other! And I don't want to end up like that with Rachel. I still like you! [Rachel Green] Well, Phoebe that's fine because I'm not moving. [Monica Geller] Whoa-whoa-whoa, Phoebe you gotta take her! Y'know, I-I-I said some really bad stuff about her, but y'know Rachel has some good qualities that make her a good roommate. She gets tons of catalogs and umm, she'll fold down the pages of the things she thinks that I'd like. [Phoebe Buffay] What else? [Monica Geller] When I take a shower, she leaves me little notes on the mirror. [Rachel Green] Yeah, I do. I-I do, do that. [Phoebe Buffay] That's nice. I like having things to read in the bathroom. [Monica Geller] When I fall asleep on the couch after reading, she covers me over with a blanket. [Rachel Green] Well y'know, I don't want you to be cold. [Monica Geller] And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! TIME LAPSE. [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Monica Geller] She really left. [Chandler Bing] I know. [Monica Geller] Thank you. [Chandler Bing] No problem roomie. [Monica Geller] Can I ask you a question? [Chandler Bing] Sure! [Monica Geller] What the hell is that dog doing here?! [Chandler Bing] Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. [#ALL#] That's so sweet. [Ross Geller] And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. [Rachel Green] And a crappy New Year. [Chandler Bing] Here, here! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] You can't move. You just... you just can't. [Joey Tribbiani] Rachel's right. This is where you guys belong. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters. [Ross Geller] You know, sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment, I look over here and you guys... are just having dinner or... watching TV or something, but... it makes me feel better. And now when I look over, who am I gonna see? The Gottliebs, the Yangs? They don't make me feel so good. [Rachel Green] Yeah. So don't move, okay? Just stay here and... maybe close your blinds at night. [Chandler Bing] Hello? It's Nancy, they responded to our offer. [Monica Geller] And? [Chandler Bing] Okay, thanks... They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price. [Monica Geller] We can't afford that. [Chandler Bing] I know. [Monica Geller] Well, there you go. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm really sorry you guys. [Ross Geller] Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'm even more sorry that that phone call didn't come before I told you about looking through the window. [Rachel Green] Yeah, we're gonna let you be alone. [Phoebe Buffay] You're gonna be okay? [Monica Geller] Yeah, we'll be okay. [Ross Geller] Love you guys. [Joey Tribbiani] You know, I'm really sorry I wasn't more supportive before. [Chandler Bing] That's okay, we understand. [Joey Tribbiani] And about this Nancy thing... If you're not sleeping with her, should I? [Monica Geller] I know there'll be other houses, but it's just so... I love that one so much. [Chandler Bing] Yeah... Well, it's a good thing we got it then. [Monica Geller] What? [Chandler Bing] We got the house. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] I just didn't want to tell you in front of them. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! My God! We've got the house !? [Chandler Bing] We're getting the house. We're getting the house. [Monica Geller] And a baby... [Chandler Bing] We're growing up. [Monica Geller] We sure are. [Chandler Bing] So who's gonna tell them? [Monica Geller] Not it! [Chandler Bing] Not it! Damn it! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Rachel, this is yours. [Rachel Green] Aah! Why? What are these for? [Chandler Bing] You'll see. [Monica Geller] All right, everybody open them! [Rachel Green] Ooh! Oh wow this is so beautiful. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! These are the ones I was looking at in the store. [Monica Geller] I know. [Ross Geller] I love this. [Joey Tribbiani] A meatball Sub? Thanks! [Ross Geller] Seriously you guys, what's going on? What are these for? [Chandler Bing] Well, I didn't know how to tell you before, but... We got the house. [Monica Geller] Enjoy! [Joey Tribbiani] What did they say?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e10", "title": "The One Where Chandler Gets Caught"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where The Stripper Cries [Joey Tribbiani] Hey guys! [Monica Geller] Hey, let me tell them! [Joey Tribbiani] Sure. [Monica Geller] Joey is gonna be a celebrity guest on a game show! [Phoebe Buffay] Great! [Ross Geller] Really? Which one? [Monica Geller] Ohh! Fish, seaweed, a sunken ship. [Ross Geller] Things you find in the ocean, You're gonna be on "Pyramid"!! [Monica Geller] Oh, that was our favourite game show ever! [Ross Geller] Except for "Match game"... [Monica Geller] Or "Win, Lose or Draw". [Chandler Bing] What did I marry into? [Joey Tribbiani] Would you guys want to come down tomorrow and watch me tape the show? [Monica Geller] Oh, I can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, sorry boys, this ride's closing. [Ross Geller] Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing. I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond. [Joey Tribbiani] Seriously? [Ross Geller] Yeah-uh! [Monica Geller] Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie. [Chandler Bing] You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler! [Monica Geller] Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends. [Rachel Green] Oh God, that's right. I blocked that out. [Monica Geller] "I'm a little bit country"... [Ross Geller] "...and I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll"! [Chandler Bing] I'm leaving you. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] So weird to see all these people again... Oh my God, look, there's Geoffrey Cleric. [Chandler Bing] Who? [Ross Geller] He was roommates with John Rosoff. He went out with Andrea Tamburino. She dumped him for Michael Skloff. [Chandler Bing] Did I go to this school? [Ross Geller] Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her. [Chandler Bing] Sure, nice. [Ross Geller] Dude. You're married to my sister. [Chandler Bing] You're right, by saying "nice" I'm virtually licking her. [Ross Geller] Hey, I hear she's single again, d'you think I should ask her out? [Chandler Bing] Are you asking permission to break the pact? [Ross Geller] Yes please. [Ross Geller] Hey. Hey, check out the flyers for the band. I made 'em on a Macintosh in the computer room! [Chandler Bing] Awesome, the name really stands out. [Ross Geller] Thanks to a little something called "Helvetica Bold 24 point"! [Chandler Bing] Man, we're gonna rock that Asian student union! [Missy Goldberg] Hey guys! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey, Missy... [Chandler Bing] You know, our band is playing on Friday. [Ross Geller] Yeah, yeah. You should come check us out. We're called "Way! No Way!". [Missy Goldberg] No way! [Chandler Bing] Way! [Missy Goldberg] Right. I'll be there. [Chandler Bing] Fresh! [Ross Geller] Boss! [Chandler Bing] Mint! [Ross Geller] She's gone. [Chandler Bing] I know it. You know, I'm totally gonna ask her out. [Ross Geller] Dude, I was gonna ask her out. [Chandler Bing] I said it first, bro. [Ross Geller] Well, I thought it first, Holmes. [Chandler Bing] Look, if you did... [Ross Geller] Woha! Wait... What are we doing? What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl. I mean, we can get laid anytime we want. [Chandler Bing] Totally. I had sex in High school... [Ross Geller] Me too. I'm good at it. [Chandler Bing] All right, I'd say we make a pact. Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg. [Ross Geller] You got it. [Chandler Bing] All right, so that's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald, who neither of us can go out with. [Ross Geller] Those are the pacts! [Chandler Bing] Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway. [Ross Geller] Oh, oh... maybe not you! [Chandler Bing] Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact. [Ross Geller] Thank you. All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college? [Chandler Bing] Your hands are shaking. [Ross Geller] I know, and I can't stop sweating. --------------------------------------- [Voice] Five! Four! Three! Applause! [Donny Osmond] Yeah! Welcome, it is Soap Opera week here on Pyramid, let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist, he's gonna be playing with "Days of Our Life's" star Joey Tribbiani! [Joey Tribbiani] I know it could be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities but... relax, I'm just like you! Only better looking and richer. [Donny Osmond] ...should be playing with the star of "General Hospital" Leslie Charleson. Welcome everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid. All right? Now... we flipped a coin before the show, Gene, you won the toss, so you're gonna start. Which category would you like? [Gene] I'll take "You crossed the line". [Donny Osmond] You crossed the line. Joey, describe for Gene these things that have lines. Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready, go! [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... ok. It's a store, like a supermarket. Oh! I see-I see what I did. Yeah, ok, ok, uhm... I'm writing in my... [Gene] Diary. [Joey Tribbiani] Noo, more like a notebook... Damn it! Oh, if I'm building an house, the plan isn't called the 'shmoo-print'... Can't say that either? Woha... hey... In high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the... [Gene] Cafeteria. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah! But that is not what they're looking for. OOOH! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you so much for this. [Rachel Green] Oh, d'you like it? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting? [Rachel Green] What? [Phoebe Buffay] You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about. [Rachel Green] Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. Hmmmm... raunchy! [Rachel Green] Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party. [Phoebe Buffay] Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea? [Rachel Green] Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's! --------------------------------------- [Donny Osmond] Now Gene I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game, all right? Describe for Joey things you find in your refrigerator. [Joey Tribbiani] Ahaha, he might as well just give us the points. [Donny Osmond] Give me twenty seconds on the clock. Ready? Go! [Gene] You put this in your coffee. [Joey Tribbiani] A spoon. Your hands. Your face! [Gene] It's white! [Joey Tribbiani] Paper, snow, a ghost! [Gene] It's heavier then milk! [Joey Tribbiani] A rock, a dog, the earth. [Gene] Pass! [Gene] You put this on a sandwich. [Joey Tribbiani] Salami, anchovies, jam! [Gene] It's white! [Joey Tribbiani] Paper, snow, a ghost! [Gene] It's made from eggs! [Joey Tribbiani] Chickens? [Gene] Pass! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! [Gene] You put this on a hamburger! [Joey Tribbiani] Ketchup! [Gene] Yes! [Joey Tribbiani] Relish! [Gene] Stop! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh. [Donny Osmond] Oh, time's up! Joey! You were, uh, almost on a roll there... [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... [Donny Osmond] Uh, Gene, you're gonna have a chance to go to the winner circle in the second half. But right now Henrietta you are going to the winner circle to try your luck for ten thousand dollars, right after this, don't go away. [Stage Manager] And we're out! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, so we didn't win, but it's fun to play the game, right? [Gene] Hey! I got a kid starting college. I've to get surgery on my knee, you just lost me ten grand! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, wow! I'm so sorry, ok? I promise, we'll do better next time! [Gene] Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? . Yeah! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] So, Saturday night! [Missy Goldberg] I'd love to! [Ross Geller] Great! [Missy Goldberg] So how come it took you so long to ask me out? [Ross Geller] Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kinda silly, but, do you remember my roommate Chandler Bing? [Missy Goldberg] Sure, he was in your "band"? [Ross Geller] It's been sixteen years but the air quotes still hurt. [Missy Goldberg] Sorry. [Ross Geller] That's ok. Uh, anyway, well he and I both really liked you a lot, uhm, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact, that neither of us could ask you out! [Missy Goldberg] Really? [Ross Geller] Yeah, why? [Missy Goldberg] Well, Chandler and I used to make out! A lot! [Ross Geller] You did? [Missy Goldberg] Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours! [Ross Geller] AND ON MY TURF? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey, where is this guy, it's been over an hour! [Rachel Green] Well, he's coming from Jersey, he said he would get here as fast as he could! [Monica Geller] Who is it? [Man] It's the police! [Rachel Green] Uh! The police! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! [Man] That's right, it's officer Goodbody. [Monica Geller] What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad? [Roy] Whoo, that's a lot of stairs! [Roy] Ooh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator! I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch. [Monica Geller] Are you gonna be ok, officer, uhm,... [Roy] Goodbody! [Monica Geller] ...If-you-say-so. [Roy] So where's the young lady who I'm supposed to take downtown! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, God! [Roy] All right, somebody show me where to plug in my box, and we'll get this party started! Whaaaa... Here? All right. [Phoebe Buffay] Rachel? [Rachel Green] Yeah? [Phoebe Buffay] Are you kidding? [Rachel Green] All right, look, we did not know that you wanted a stripper so we went to the phonebook and we got the first name we could find! [Phoebe Buffay] How old is your phonebook? [Monica Geller] Oh my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh God no, I don't wanna see him take his clothes off! [Roy] Are you talking about me? [Monica Geller] Oh, no! I mean, obviously we want to see you take your clothes off! You big piece of eye candy! [Roy] Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? Did someone call for the long arm of the law? I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing! [Roy] Whoa, whoa, whoa . She cringed! [Phoebe Buffay] This is how I look when I'm turned on! [Roy] You were talking about me before! Look, I don't need this! I'm outta here! Where's my hat? Look, I've been in this business for a long time! [Phoebe Buffay] Shocking! [Roy] Now if you just pay me my three hundred dollars, I'll be on my way! [Phoebe Buffay] Three hundred dollars, are you kidding? [Rachel Green] No, that's ok, let's me just get my check book! [Phoebe Buffay] No, you're not gonna pay him, he didn't do anything! [Roy] Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken. I climbed ... I dunno... like a billion stairs... It's not like I can take them two at a time! [Phoebe Buffay] I don't care. We're not paying you 300 dollars for this. [Roy] Well, look - it's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate the male form in all it's glory. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah, okay. I'm uptight. Yeah, that's why I don't want to watch a middle aged guy dance around in what I can only assume is a child halloween costume! [Roy] I may have borrowed this from my nephew, but let me assure you, what's underneath ... is all man. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry, did you say all man or old man? [Roy] Oh, you're mean! [Monica Geller] Uh, look, officer... uhm Sir... [Roy] Damnit. OH! Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings! --------------------------------------- [Donny Osmond] Ok Henrietta, you've picked Jack and Jill went up the hill. [Joey Tribbiani] My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes! [Donny Osmond] Joey describe these things associated with the United States congress. Give me 20 seconds on the clock please. Ready? Go! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, .. uh... uh... pass. Pass. Pass. Okay, the little thing that hangs down at the back of your throat. [Henrietta] Uvula! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, then pass. [Donny Osmond] O-kay... Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed, so that means Gene, you are going to the winners circle to try for ten thousand dollars! And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] You made out with Missy Goldberg. How could you do that, after you promised me? [Chandler Bing] Excuse me. . That didn't make us sound gay at all! [Ross Geller] You broke the pact! [Chandler Bing] Ross, that was 16 years ago! [Ross Geller] That doesn't matter! We're talking about the foundation of our friendship. [Chandler Bing] I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair. All right, look, if we're really gonna do this... it's not like you never broke one of the pacts. [Ross Geller] I didn't. [Chandler Bing] Oh really? [Ross Geller] No. [Chandler Bing] Oh really!? [Ross Geller] NO! [Chandler Bing] ADRIENNE TURNER!! [Adrienne] Yes? [Chandler Bing] Hey! Hey Adrienne. [Ross Geller] I never did anything with Adrienne Turner. [Chandler Bing] Oh please, and you knew how much I liked her. [Ross Geller] I don't know what... you're talking about. [Chandler Bing] Really? [Chandler Bing] Remember that big party? Freshman year? A week before Christmas vacation? I do. You had some visitors. [Monica Geller] I can't believe we are at a real college party! I have to pee so bad! [Rachel Green] This is so awesome! College guys are so cute! [Monica Geller] Hey, you've got a boyfriend! [Rachel Green] I know. But if some guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me tonight, I'm sooo gonna let them! [Monica Geller] Look, there's Chandler. You knew, that stupid friend of Ross'. Said I'm fat. You know I've already lost 4 pounds! [Rachel Green] It... You can so totally tell. [Monica Geller] I KNOW! [Rachel Green] Well lets see. Maybe he knows where Ross is. Hey, how's it going . [Chandler Bing] Aren't you...? [Rachel Green] Yeah, Rachel. And this is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving. . [Chandler Bing] Right. So how're you doing? [Rachel Green] Bitchin' [Chandler Bing] Hi Monica. [Monica Geller] Hi Chandler. It's really nice to see you NOT. [Chandler Bing] O-kay. I'll see if I can find Ross. [Monica Geller] Oh my God Rach. Bean bag chairs. [Rachel Green] Oh. [Monica Geller] Do NOT let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days. [Ross Geller] Listen Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this. [Adrienne] Oh believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this. [Ross Geller] Cool! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] I didn't know you knew about that. [Chandler Bing] Well, I did and it hurt. That's when I wrote the song: "Betrayal In The Common Room". [Ross Geller] Man... I... I'm sorry. [Chandler Bing] Look it was a lo-o-ong time ago. [Ross Geller] So, eh. I made out with Adrienne and you made out with Missy. Well I guess we're even. [Chandler Bing] Hmm mmmhm.. [Ross Geller] We are even, right? [Chandler Bing] Just one more thing. I was so pissed at you that night that I wanted to get back at you. So I thought, who does Ross like the more than anybody? [Ross Geller] What did you do to my mom? [Chandler Bing] Not her! [Rachel Green] I am sooo drunk. [Monica Geller] That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything at all. [Chandler Bing] Soo... you girls having fun? [Monica Geller] For your information, ass munch, I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing. [Pizza Guy] SOMEBODY ORDER A PIZZA? [Monica Geller] Oh THATS ME! [Rachel Green] I am soo not going to do good on my SATs tomorrow. [Chandler Bing] Well maybe if you go to school here next year we can totally hang out. [Rachel Green] Oh yeah. There is a plan! Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now? [Chandler Bing] Well, maybe you can get in on a beauty scholarship. [Rachel Green] Oh, what a line. [Chandler Bing] So where are you applying to? [Rachel Green] Oh well, You know, I think it's kinda really important that I go somewhere where there's sun, so I'm sort of... Hey! [Chandler Bing] I'm in college and I'm in a band. [Rachel Green] Yeah okay. --------------------------------------- [Roy] What's the matter? You never saw a 50 year old stripper cry before? [Phoebe Buffay] You know, it's fine. We'll pay you. [Roy] No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding? I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago. What am I gonna do? I mean, this has been my life for thirty two years. Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know. [Rachel Green] No, wait. No there's gotta be something else that you can do. I mean, what skills do you have? [Roy] I don't know... I can make my pecs dance... I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks... I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame. [Rachel Green] So maybe something in an office. [Phoebe Buffay] Or you could teach stripping. You know, share your gift, pass the torch. [Roy] You know, actually that's not a bad idea. I can do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind. [Phoebe Buffay] There you go. Okay, do you think you're gonna be okay? [Roy] Yeah, yeah, yeah... This is so weird. I mean, you never know when it's gonna be your last dance. And I didn't even get a chance to finish it. [Phoebe Buffay] Finish it! [Roy] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Your last dance. Do it for us. [Roy] Really? [Rachel Green] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, yeah. He deserves to do the thing he loves one last time. [Roy] Okay, all right... Get ready ladies! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh this is so ho-o-ot! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, no, no, don't stop! [Roy] Have to... --------------------------------------- [Donny Osmond] Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah... [Gene] Sure. [Donny Osmond] Okay. Give me sixty seconds on the clock please... Ready, GO! [Gene] Oak, maple, elm, birch... [Joey Tribbiani] I-I-I don't know. Types of trees? [Gene] Uhm... Buenos dias, enchilada, por favor... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know any Spanish words. [Gene] A match, a candle... [Joey Tribbiani] Things that go "tssst" when you put them out. [Gene] A torch, a bonfire... uhm, your pee... [Joey Tribbiani] Things that burn. [Gene] "I'd like to go for a walk", uhm "scratch my belly". [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, dude! I think you're losing it. [Gene] Uhm, "I have fur", "I like to bark". [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, oh, oh... What a dog says. [Gene] Pepperoni... [Joey Tribbiani] Pizza toppings, next! [Gene] Cindy Crawford, Christie Brinkley, Heidi Klum, Claudia Schiffer... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, oh, oh... [Gene] Christie Turlington, Kate Moss... [Joey Tribbiani] Girls Chandler could never get? [Gene] Supermodels! [Joey Tribbiani] Where? --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey, where's Rachel? [Monica Geller] She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital. [Ross Geller] Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel? [Monica Geller] What? When was this? [Ross Geller] Nineteen Eighty Seven. The weekend you guys visited me at school. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! That's wild! [Chandler Bing] Yeah, but it was like a million years ago, so it doesn't matter. [Ross Geller] Well, it matters to me. [Chandler Bing] Why? [Ross Geller] Because... the night you kissed Rachel was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time. [Chandler Bing] You kissed her that night too? [Monica Geller] Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. [Chandler Bing] Seriously, where did this happen? [Ross Geller] Okay, after you told me she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was all right. She was lying on my bed, all buried in peoples coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, you know. But it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back. It was only for a second, but... it was amazing. And now, now I find out that you kissed her first. [Chandler Bing] Oh wait... What bed did you say she was on? [Ross Geller] Mine. [Chandler Bing] I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. [Ross Geller] No, she was definitely on my bed. [Chandler Bing] Why would I kiss a girl, and then put her on your bed? [Ross Geller] Well, then who was on my bed? [Monica Geller] OH! Oh, oh! [Ross Geller] NO! No, no! [Monica Geller] YES! [Ross Geller] You were under the pile of coats? [Monica Geller] I was the pile of coats! [Ross Geller] OH MY GOD! [Monica Geller] You were my Midnight Mystery Kisser? [Ross Geller] You were my first kiss with Rachel? [Monica Geller] You were my first kiss ever? [Chandler Bing] What did I marry into? --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh, crap!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e11", "title": "The One Where The Stripper Cries"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Phoebe's Wedding [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, hey Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Listen, I need to ask you something. Ok, you know how my step dad's in prison. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. Well, uhm... listen he was supposed to get a weekend furlough, so he'd come to the wedding tomorrow, but he just called and... uhm... well, apparently stabbing Iceman in the exercise yard just couldn't wait till Monday. [Joey Tribbiani] So he can't come? [Phoebe Buffay] No, and so there's no one to walk me down the aisle and... well, I would just really love it if you would do it. [Joey Tribbiani] Seriously? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you've... you know, sort of been like a dad to me. I mean, you've always, you know, looked out for me and shared your wisdom... [Joey Tribbiani] I am pretty wisdomous. [Phoebe Buffay] So... what do you say? [Joey Tribbiani] Are you kidding? Phoebe, I would be honored. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, thank you. I hope... I hope you know how much you mean to me. [Joey Tribbiani] Listen, I hope... that you know... I don't want you to see your father cry, GO TO YOUR ROOM! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Oh. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh no, no, no, let your dad get this. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, it's my wedding planner. She's driving me crazy! Hello... Hey, ok, stop screaming! Ok? So, halibut. All right, so salmon, either way. I don't-I don't... it doesn't matter to me! [Monica Geller] Well, it matters to me! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I don't care, so you pick! [Monica Geller] Did you just hung up on me? All right, look, I need you at the rehearsal dinner tonight at 1800 hours. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-uh. Ok. What time is that. [Monica Geller] You don't know military time? [Phoebe Buffay] Why, I must have been in missile training the day they taught that. [Monica Geller] Just subtract twelve. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, so... 1800 minus twelve is... one thousand, seven hundred and... [Monica Geller] Six o'clock! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. [Monica Geller] Ok. Hold on. Geller here! No! I said it has to be there by 4 o'clock. Goodbye. Oh, how hard it is to make an ice sculpture? [Phoebe Buffay] Ice sculpture? That sounds really fancy! I told you I just want a simple wedding. [Monica Geller] Please... honey, leave the details to me. Now I wanna make this day as special for you as I can. Now, ok, I was thinking that the harpist should wear white. [Phoebe Buffay] What harpist? My friend Marjorie is playing the steel drums. [Monica Geller] Ooh... she backed out. [Phoebe Buffay] She did? Why? [Monica Geller] I made her. Steel drums don't really say "elegant wedding". Nor does Marjorie's overwhelming scent. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! She will shower when Tibet is free. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Chandler Bing] You look great. I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, what did we say was your one gift to us? [Chandler Bing] No stupid jokes. I thought that was for the actual wedding. [Phoebe Buffay] Rehearse it! [Ross Geller] Hi! [Mike Hannigan] Thanks for coming you guys. [Ross Geller] Oh, hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake. [Mike Hannigan] Is that why your hand is pressed against my crotch? [Ross Geller] That is why! [Mike Hannigan] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] So Rach. [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] Where is Emma? [Rachel Green] Oh, Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix. [Monica Geller] Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, you're Mike's parents, right? [Mike's Mother] Yes, we are. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah, our little ones are growing up fast, uh? [Mike's Father] How's that? [Joey Tribbiani] You know, on the one hand you're happy for them, but on the other hand it's hard to let go. [Mike's Father] Who in God's name are you? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, I'm not that fond of you either, ok buddy? But I'm just trying to be nice for the kids! [Chandler Bing] You know what I just realized? We have no idea what we're doing in the wedding tomorrow. [Ross Geller] Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid? [Rachel Green] Uh... November? [Ross Geller] I wanna say it's not looking good. [Rachel Green] Hey Pheebs... [Phoebe Buffay] What's up? [Rachel Green] Uhm... you haven't told these guys what they're doing in the wedding yet. [Chandler Bing] Heh. [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm... well, they're not in the wedding. [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Well, this is really awkward Oh, and I can leave! [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry you guys but, you know, Mike's got his brother and his friends from school so... you know, you were-you were... if it helps you, you were next in line, you just-you just missed the cut. [Ross Geller] Oh, man! [Chandler Bing] This is like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming. I mean- I mean the balance beam. Help me! [Ross Geller] FOOTBALL! [Chandler Bing] Thank you. [Monica Geller] Pheebs, spit that out, that has pork in it. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! I though the pot stickers were supposed to be vegetarian! [Monica Geller] Yeah, I changed them. I-I sent you a fax about it! [Phoebe Buffay] I don't have a fax machine. [Monica Geller] Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises! [Ross Geller] I can't believe we're gonna be the only people that aren't in this wedding. [Chandler Bing] I know, I hate being left out of things. [Ross Geller] And it's a wedding! It'd be weird if I'm not in it... [Mike Hannigan] Hey guys, how is it going? [Chandler Bing] Fine. We're just sitting here. Alone. Doing nothing. It's our rehearsal for tomorrow. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah look, about tomorrow, I... I've got a question for ya. I just found out that one of my groomsmen had had an emergency and can't make it. [Chandler Bing] What happened? [Ross Geller] Who cares, AND? [Mike Hannigan] ...and I was wondering if... you know, maybe one of you guys... [Ross Geller] I'll do it! [Chandler Bing] M-Me-me-me! [Mike Hannigan] You both wanna do it? Uhm... there's only room for one. [Chandler Bing] Pick me, I look great in a tux and I will not steal focus. [Ross Geller] No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! Huh? [Mike Hannigan] You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. [Ross Geller] Well, if Phoebe's choosing, then say hello to Mike's next groomsman. [Chandler Bing] Oh, I will. But I will need a mirror... as he is me! [Ross Geller] Please, you're going down! [Chandler Bing] You are going downer! [Ross Geller] Is that what they say on the Figure Skating Team? [Chandler Bing] I wouldn't know, I didn't make it! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] So, you know I'm filling in for Phoebe's step dad, tomorrow, right? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, yeah. Hey, thanks for doing that. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, hey, my pleasure. So what are your intentions with my Phoebe? [Mike Hannigan] I intend to marry her. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, a wiseacre. . No, no, no, I understand you plan to support your wife by playing the piano? Isn't that kind of unstable? [Mike Hannigan] No more so than acting. [Joey Tribbiani] Strike two! [Mike Hannigan] You're right. She probably will support me. Hey, unless we move in with you, dad? [Joey Tribbiani] Strike three! You only get one more, Mike! [Ross Geller] So, what did you decide? [Phoebe Buffay] I decided to pee. [Chandler Bing] Mike didn't tell you? You have to chose one of us to be in your wedding. One of his groomsmen fell out. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh no, no. I can't choose between you two! I love you both so much! [Chandler Bing] Just not enough to put us in the original wedding party. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, I don't wanna choose! It's . Oh okay, wait. Rach! Listen I have a very special bridesmaid task for you today. [Rachel Green] Goody, what is it! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that. [Rachel Green] What, what, what, no, I don't wanna do that. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid. [Ross Geller] I'll do it! [Monica Geller] Ok, it's 2100 hours. Time for your toast. [Mike Hannigan] Do I have a minute to go to the bathroom? [Monica Geller] You had a bathroom break at 2030. Pee on your own time, Mike! . Now, in regard to the toast, okay, you wanna keep them short, nothing kills a rehearsal dinner like long speeches. Okay. You just get in, do your thing and get out! [Mike Hannigan] Is that what you say to Chandler? [Monica Geller] It's 2101 and I am not amused. . Ok, the bride and groom have a few words they'd like to say. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. Hello everyone and thank you all for being here tonight. So tomorrow's the big event and some of you might not know, but Mike and I didn't get off to the best start. . My friend Joey and I decided to fix each other up with friends so I, I... oh I... hum... I gave it a lot of thought and I fixed him up with my friend Mary Ellen who couldn't be here tonight because... it's not important... she is in rehab. Anyway, so, ok, Joey said that he was fixing me up with his friend Mike, only he didn't have a friend Mike so he just brought, uhm, my Mike and, and but despite, you know... it got... it got good. Ok, I wanna take a moment to mention my mother, who couldn't be here... [Monica Geller] oh God. [Phoebe Buffay] And... moment's over! So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I . Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS OR THIS OR THIS OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! You know what? You're done. [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] YOU'RE FIRED! Cheers! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Rachel Green] Happy wedding day! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, happy my wedding day to you! [Rachel Green] Ok-dokey, Joey, listen. This is gonna be bridesmaid central, all right? We're gonna have hair and make-up going on in the bathroom and oh, I had to move a couple of things in the fridge to make room for the corsages. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, man! I wouldn't have had breakfast if I knew there was going to be corsages! [Monica Geller] Hi. About last night... I know you are under a lot of stress and even though the things you said hurt me a little bit... My point is, uh, well, I'm willing to take my job back. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, well that's ok. I think you and I will do much better if you're just... here as a bridesmaid. [Monica Geller] Oh, is that so? Ok. If that's really what you want, then here... I give you the headset. Well, I don't really want to give you the headset. Well I guess if you're taking over, you should probably return these messages. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, this is a lot! [Monica Geller] Uh-huh, but I'm sure you can handle this. I mean, I have won awards for my organizational skills, but, uh, I'm sure you'll do fine. [Phoebe Buffay] You won awards? [Monica Geller] Mm-mh. I printed them out on my computer. [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hi. [Ross Geller] Where's Rach? [Monica Geller] She's in her room, why? [Ross Geller] I have to talk to her about this groomsman situation, ok? I'm not gonna watch Chandler up there while I'm sitting in the seats like some chump! . Oh! My God! You're breathtaking! [Rachel Green] What d'you want? [Ross Geller] You haven't by any chance chosen a groomsman yet, have you? [Rachel Green] Oh, Ross, c'mon, please! Don't make this harder than it already is! [Ross Geller] I'm not! I'm making it easier! Pick me! [Rachel Green] Well, Chandler said that it's really important to him too! [Ross Geller] Listen, listen. Whoever you pick is gonna walk down the aisle with you! Now, I promise I won't say a word, but if you pick Chandler he's gonna be whispering stupid jokes in your ear the whole time! [Rachel Green] Oh, you are the lesser of two evils! [Ross Geller] YES, YES! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Sven I don't understand what you're saying! What is wrong with the flowers? Lorkins? What the hell are lorkins? [Monica Geller] I know. . [Mike Hannigan] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Listen, Mike, if you were Swedish and you were saying the word "lorkins" what flowers would that be? [Mike Hannigan] Orchids? [Phoebe Buffay] Right there! That's why I'm marrying you! [Joey Tribbiani] Hello Michael. [Mike Hannigan] Joseph. [Joey Tribbiani] May I have a word with you, please? [Mike Hannigan] This is... great... [Joey Tribbiani] Have a seat. Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... I cannot allow this. [Mike Hannigan] Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie? [Joey Tribbiani] More back talk. And yes, I may be borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition for "Family Honor 2: Thissa Time Itsa Personal." [Mike Hannigan] Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want? [Joey Tribbiani] I want you to take this seriously! Phoebe is very very important to me, ok? And I wanna make sure that you are gonna take care of her. [Mike Hannigan] Joe, I love Phoebe. She's the single most important thing in my life. I'd die before I let anything happen to her. [Joey Tribbiani] That's what I wanted to hear! Because she's family, ok, and now you're gonna be family, and there is nothing more important in the whole world, than family. [Mike Hannigan] That must have been one lousy movie. [Joey Tribbiani] That was ME! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi. [Chandler Bing] Hey, can I talk to you about this groomsman thing? If you pick Ross, he'll walk you down the isle just fine. But if you choose me, you'll be getting some comedy! [Rachel Green] Even so, I think I'm gonna pick Ross. [Chandler Bing] Let me tell you why you need to pick me. See, when I was a kid, I was always left out of everything, you know, and it really made me feel... insecure. You know, I was always picked last in gym. Even behind that big fat exchange student who didn't even know the rules to baseball. I mean, this guy would strike out and then run to third. Anyway, If I'm the only one left out of this wedding, I just know that all those feelings are gonna come rushing back. [Rachel Green] All right fine, I pick you. [Chandler Bing] Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler. [Rachel Green] Oh my... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] No! We're gonna do it my way. Because your way is stupid! Alright I gotta go, I have another call, Reverend. Hello? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm glad we had this little talk. [Mike Hannigan] Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Monica Geller] Bye. [Mike Hannigan] Uhm, did you guys know that there is a giant ice sculpture in the hall? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, what's it doing here? [Monica Geller] Ugh, I guess it got sent to the billing address as opposed to the shipping address. Uh! What a pickle. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh my God, everything is such a mess. Why is this happening to me? [Joey Tribbiani] How bad do you want to stick your tongue on that? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] How's it going? [Ross Geller] Good. I'm just getting some coffee. So I'm alert for the wedding. [Chandler Bing] That's what I was doing too. [Ross Geller] Well, you have fun tonight. [Chandler Bing] You too. [Ross Geller] Oh, I will. [Chandler Bing] Me too. [Ross Geller] Wait a minute, I know why I'm being such an ass, why are you? [Chandler Bing] I'm not supposed to tell you. [Ross Geller] I'm not supposed to tell you! [Chandler Bing] You told us both we could be in the wedding? [Rachel Green] Well, in my defense, you were not supposed to tell each other. [Ross Geller] Rachel, only one of us can do it, you have to choose. You and me together again. [Chandler Bing] Rach, Rach, knock knock. [Rachel Green] Who's there? [Chandler Bing] I'll tell you at the wedding. [Rachel Green] Uh. [Mike Hannigan] Hey, I forgot my scarf. [Rachel Green] You know what, I can't do this. I don't know which one of you guys to pick. [Mike Hannigan] Oh, you haven't picked yet. Oh good, 'cause I had an idea. I thought it would be fun if the third groomsman was my family dog. Chappy. [Ross Geller] What? A dog? No! Rachel gets to choose. [Rachel Green] Wow, this is a tough one. I think I'm gonna have to go with the dog. [Phoebe Buffay] Alright, wait, so what you're saying is that the chef is at the Hamilton Club, but the food is not and the drinks are there, but the bartender is not? Are you, are you FREAKING KIDDING ME!? [Monica Geller] How's it going? [Phoebe Buffay] Help me. [Monica Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] I want you to be Crazy Bitch again. [Monica Geller] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Please? [Monica Geller] You really want me to come back? [Phoebe Buffay] More than I wanna get married. [Monica Geller] Ok people, we are back in business! Oh God, we've missed you soo much! Ok, go and get your hair and make-up done, and I'll take care of everything. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, what are you guys gonna do? [Phoebe Buffay] About what? [Joey Tribbiani] The blizzard. I just saw on the news, it's like the worst snow storm in 20 years! They already closed all the bridges and tunnels. [Monica Geller] Ooh! But the band and the photographer are coming all the way in from New Jersey! [Joey Tribbiani] I don't think they are. [Ross Geller] Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. So sorry Pheebs. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Well, the club lost it's power. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah according to the news, most of the city did. [Rachel Green] Since when do you watch the news? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, for your information, since they hired a very hot weather girl. [Ross Geller] I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today. [Phoebe Buffay] I know. [Rachel Green] Wow, you know, it's so beautiful out there. You always wanted to get married outside. Why don't you guys just do it on the street? [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Rachel Green] Well, look, it's hardly snowing anymore. I mean you couldn't ask for a more romantic setting. This could be the simple wedding you've always wanted! [Phoebe Buffay] What do you think? [Mike Hannigan] I think I wanna get married to you today. [Phoebe Buffay] Me too! Monica, do you think we could do it? [Monica Geller] AFFIRMATIVE! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. Okay, who left the ice sculpture ON THE STEAM GRATE? [Mike's Mom] Michael! [Mike Hannigan] Hey! You made it. Great! Chappy! Hi! Hi! Mom, I know getting married in the street isn't something you approve of... [Mike's Mom] No... It's lovely. The lights and the snow. I could look at them forever. [Mike's Dad] I crushed a pill and put it in her drink... Come on, sweetheart. [Mike Hannigan] You know, Chappy's too small to handle all this snow. Someone's gonna have to walk him down the aisle. [Chandler Bing] So technically, would this person be in the wedding? [Mike Hannigan] I guess. [Chandler Bing] I'll do it! [Ross Geller] No, but Chandler, hello... Aren't you scared of dogs? [Chandler Bing] I'm not scared. I'll just take little Chappy and... HE CAN SENSE MY FEAR. MY THROAT IS EXPOSED. [Ross Geller] Well, I guess I'm in the wedding then. Ha haaa... He stinks! [Monica Geller] Level 1 alert. I repeat, level 1. This is not a drill. Okay we've got a situation. The minister just called. He's snowed in. He can't make it. [Mike Hannigan] Oh, no! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh hey, don't worry. I'm still ordained from your wedding. [Monica Geller] Really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh... [Ross Geller] Uhm, ministers don't ride the subway for free. [Joey Tribbiani] I had to read the Bible pretty carefully, but... yeah we do. [Monica Geller] Okay, if Joey does the ceremony, then we have to find someone else to walk Phoebe down the isle. [Chandler Bing] I'll do it. [Ross Geller] I'll... [Chandler Bing] Na ha ha... Ne he he... Ah ah... [Monica Geller] Okay, Mike and Joey, get in position. Chandler, come with me. [Monica Geller] Okay, Joey's doing the ceremony and Chandler's giving you away. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, okay. Hi new dad. [Monica Geller] So, you're ready to do this? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhuh, uhuh... Oh my God! This is really happening. [Rachel Green] Oh Phoebe, I'm so happy for you honey. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, thank you. [Monica Geller] I love you. Oh, wait, wait, wait! No hugs. The dresses... Oh what the hell. [Phoebe Buffay] I love you guys. [Monica Geller] I love you. [Monica Geller] Okay. It's zero hour. All teams execute on my count. Let's get this bad boy on the road. [Chandler Bing] Is it okay that I want you to wear that head set in bed tonight? [Monica Geller] I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah! [Monica Geller] Okay Marjorie, hit it. [Rachel Green] Geez Ross, you could have showered. [Ross Geller] It's the dog. [Monica Geller] Groomsman, groomsman, why are you just standing there, where is your bridesmaid? We've got a broken arrow. Bridesmaid down! Oh, that's me. [Chandler Bing] Ready? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh wait, oh no. Wait. [Chandler Bing] Wow! Aren't you gonna be cold? [Phoebe Buffay] I don't care... I'll be my something blue. [Chandler Bing] You look beautiful. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you. [Mike Hannigan] My God! Aren't you freezing? [Phoebe Buffay] Na-ah. [Joey Tribbiani] Friends, family, dog... Thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place... so I'm gonna do the short version of this. Phoebe and Mike are perfect for each other. And I know I speak for every one here... when I wish them a lifetime of happiness. Who has the rings? [Joey Tribbiani] Okay... [Phoebe Buffay] When I was growing up, I didn't have a normal mom and dad, or a regular family like everybody else, and I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today, knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need... You are my family. [Mike Hannigan] Phoebe you're so beautiful. You're so kind, you're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Every day with you is an adventure, and I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to share my life with you forever. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh wait, oh I forgot... and uhm... I love you... and you have nice eyes. [Mike Hannigan] I love you too. [Ross Geller] Uh Joey... [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah? [Ross Geller] Chappy's heart rate has slowed way down. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, okay. Phoebe, do you take this man to be your husband? [Phoebe Buffay] I do. [Joey Tribbiani] Mike, do you take this woman to be your wife? [Mike Hannigan] I do. [Joey Tribbiani] I now pronounce you... husband and wife. [Phoebe Buffay] I got married! Could someone get me a coat, I'm freaking freezing. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] That really was an incredible wedding. [Joey Tribbiani] It was, yeah. I kind of don't want it to end. Hey, you wanna come in for a drink and a bite of corsage? [Chandler Bing] I'd love to, but it's 2300 hours and I'm about to have the most organized sex anyone's ever had. [Joey Tribbiani] Nice. Oh hey, what about Ross? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. Maybe he hooked up with that hot girl he was talking to. [Ross Geller] Come on Chappy, do your business. MAKE! MA-AKE! I did not sign on for this.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e12", "title": "The One With Phoebe's Wedding"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Joey Speaks French [Phoebe Buffay] Hi. [#ALL#] Hey! Hi! [Rachel Green] How was the honeymoon? Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic! [Rachel Green] Oh! [Chandler Bing] So, where's Mike? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there! [Joey Tribbiani] Well anyway, I'm glad you're back, I really need your help. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, why? What's up? [Joey Tribbiani] I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in. [Ross Geller] Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume. [Monica Geller] Yeah, you really shouldn't. By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo? [Ross Geller] It was ok... [Rachel Green] I did not know you spoke French. [Phoebe Buffay] Oui, bien sur je parle Francais! Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors? [Rachel Green] Oh... you're so sexy! [Joey Tribbiani] Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play. [Phoebe Buffay] Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami. [Rachel Green] Seriously stop it, or I'm gonna jump on ya. --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Monica Geller] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Why are you wearing my apron? [Monica Geller] I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour. [Chandler Bing] Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? No? Divorce? [Ross Geller] Hey. [Monica Geller] Hey. [Ross Geller] You guys know where Rachel is? [Monica Geller] No, we haven't seen her since this morning. [Ross Geller] So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. [Monica Geller] Hey! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Monica Geller] These are for Erica! [Ross Geller] What? She's gonna eat all those cookies? [Monica Geller] Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat! [Ross Geller] So, why is Erica coming to visit? [Monica Geller] Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building... [Chandler Bing] Oh, those places! There's always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, there's always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"! [Monica Geller] Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it? [Ross Geller] Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late! [Rachel Green] Ross... [Ross Geller] No, no, no, I'm sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barney's? [Rachel Green] My father had an heart attack... ...while I was at Barney's. [Ross Geller] Oh my God. [Monica Geller] Honey. [Chandler Bing] I'm so sorry... [Ross Geller] Is-is he ok? [Rachel Green] Yeah, they said he's gonna be fine, but he's still heavily sedated. [Ross Geller] Ok, ok. I'm gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you can't be alone right now. [Rachel Green] No, come on, I'm totally ok. I don't need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own. [Ross Geller] Still-still, let me come... for me. [Rachel Green] Ok. If you really need to. [Ross Geller] I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies. [Rachel Green] Oh, I really could. [Ross Geller] Oh! [Rachel Green] Ohh... --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je m'appelle Claude". [Joey Tribbiani] Je de coup Clow. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, just... let's try it again. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. [Phoebe Buffay] Je m'appelle Claude. [Joey Tribbiani] Je depli mblue. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh. It's not... quite what I'm saying. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? It sounds exactly the same to me. [Phoebe Buffay] It does, really? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, let just try it again. Really listen. [Joey Tribbiani] Got it. [Phoebe Buffay] Je m'appelle Claude. [Joey Tribbiani] Je te flouppe Fli. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, mon Dieu! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, de fuff! [Monica Geller] Hey you guys. [Phoebe Buffay] Hi! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Monica Geller] I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby! [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! [Monica Geller] Joey. Erica, baby! [Joey Tribbiani] Hi. [Monica Geller] Everyone. Erica, baby! [Chandler Bing] Monica. Calm, self. [Erica] Thank you. It's really nice to meet you guys, I can't believe I'm here! [Joey Tribbiani] Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"? [Chandler Bing] Why would you say that? [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. What are you gonna be doing today? [Erica] I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center... [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty. [Erica] Oh yeah, let's do that! [Chandler Bing] Great! This baby'd better to be really good. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh, uhm, excuse me, I'm here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green. [Ross Geller] And I'm Doctor Ross Geller. [Rachel Green] Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here. [Rachel Green] Can somebody please go in? [Nurse] Absolutely. [Ross Geller] Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him. [Rachel Green] Ross, please, don't be so scared of him! [Ross Geller] I'm not scared of him, I'm really sick! [Nurse] He's under sedation, so he's pretty much out. [Ross Geller] I'm feeling better. [Rachel Green] Oh! Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh? [Nurse] Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him. [Rachel Green] Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok? [Ross Geller] He's unconscious, I think we'll be just fine! [Rachel Green] Ok. [Ross Geller] Did the TV wake you? [Leonard Green] No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter. [Ross Geller] Ouchy. [Leonard Green] What are you doing here, Geller? [Ross Geller] Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! So what's new? [Leonard Green] Ooh, I have a little heart attack. [Ross Geller] Right, is it painful? [Leonard Green] What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you? Ross Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here. [Leonard Green] So what's new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately? [Ross Geller] Nope, just the one. RACH! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Je m'appelle Claude. [Joey Tribbiani] Je do call blue! [Phoebe Buffay] Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, let's try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je". [Joey Tribbiani] je. [Phoebe Buffay] m'ap. [Joey Tribbiani] mah. [Phoebe Buffay] pelle. [Joey Tribbiani] pel. [Phoebe Buffay] Great, ok faster! "je" [Joey Tribbiani] je. [Phoebe Buffay] m'ap. [Joey Tribbiani] mah. [Phoebe Buffay] pelle. [Joey Tribbiani] pel. [Phoebe Buffay] Je m'appelle! [Joey Tribbiani] Me pooh pooh! [Phoebe Buffay] Ok, it's too hard, I can't teach you! [Joey Tribbiani] What are you doing? [Phoebe Buffay] I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. [Joey Tribbiani] Don't move! Don't go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! . Pooh. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! [Ross Geller] I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack. [Rachel Green] Uh. Did you call your parents? [Ross Geller] Oh, yeah. Emma's doing great. [Rachel Green] Oh good. [Ross Geller] Wow. [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] Just can't believe I'm in Rachel Green's room. [Rachel Green] What do you mean? You've been in my room before! [Ross Geller] Yeah, sure, right! Like I've ever been in Rachel Green's room. [Rachel Green] Ok I gotta tell ya, it's really weird when you use my whole name. [Ross Geller] Sorry. . You ok? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Ross Geller] You had a rough day, uh? [Rachel Green] Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you don't expect doctors to get sick! [Ross Geller] But we do! It's gonna be ok, Rach! [Rachel Green] Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital! [Ross Geller] What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look... [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok? [Rachel Green] Really, I shouldn't feel guilty? [Ross Geller] No, God! Hey, Rach, you've been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest. [Rachel Green] Ok, maybe you're right. [Ross Geller] Good night. [Rachel Green] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while? [Ross Geller] Sure! [Rachel Green] Ok. Thank you for coming with me today. [Ross Geller] Oh, of course... [Rachel Green] Rachel Green is very happy you're in her room! [Ross Geller] Me too. Come here. [Rachel Green] I just don't want to be alone tonight. [Ross Geller] Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or... Oh, oh. . No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea. [Rachel Green] Wait, we won't know that until we do it, will we? [Ross Geller] No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and you're feeling vulnerable and I just don't feel it would be right, I'd feel like I'd be, you know, taking advantage of you. [Rachel Green] Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy! [Ross Geller] Look, I'm sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, I'm gonna go! [Rachel Green] Wow. Ok. [Ross Geller] I'll see you in the morning . [Rachel Green] Mhm-mh! [Ross Geller] Haven't had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that! --------------------------------------- [Erica] Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time. [Monica Geller] Oh, I'm glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming. [Chandler Bing] New York is awesome! [Monica Geller] What is with you? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I've been to these places before, but I've never really seen them, you know. [Monica Geller] Yeah, you miss alot, when you're moo-ing. [Erica] Thanks so much for showing me around. [Monica Geller] Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you. [Erica] Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... [Chandler Bing] Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father? [Erica] Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. [Chandler Bing] That's great. [Erica] Yeah... it's almost definitely him. [Monica Geller] How's that now? [Erica] Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped. [Chandler Bing] So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too? [Erica] No, he's in prison. [Monica Geller] Was he falsely accused of something? [Erica] No... he killed his father with a shovel. But other than that, he's a great guy. [Chandler Bing] I'll bet his dad doesn't think so. [Monica Geller] Are you awake? [Chandler Bing] Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! [Monica Geller] Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy. [Chandler Bing] Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer. [Monica Geller] Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently? [Chandler Bing] I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is. [Monica Geller] How? [Chandler Bing] I dunno, aren't there tests for these things, right? [Monica Geller] Yeah, but maybe we're just over-reacting. [Chandler Bing] Pff, easy for you to say, he's a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. He's probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm! --------------------------------------- [Tape] We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq. [Joey Tribbiani] Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk! [Tape] Good job. [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, no, that's okay, I don't need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good! [Phoebe Buffay] Really, can I hear some of it. [Joey Tribbiani] Sure, sure. Ok, "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" See? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, you're not, You're not... you're not... again, you're not SPEAKING FRENCH! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part. [Phoebe Buffay] How could you possibly think that? [Joey Tribbiani] For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee? [Rachel Green] Sure. [Ross Geller] You've been quiet all morning. Is everything okay? [Rachel Green] Hmm-hmm. [Ross Geller] You sure you're alright? [Rachel Green] Yep. [Ross Geller] O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. [Rachel Green] FYI.. [Ross Geller] There it is... [Rachel Green] In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. [Ross Geller] Wait, wait, You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing. [Rachel Green] Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied! [Ross Geller] Well... [Rachel Green] Oh stop that! [Ross Geller] I can't believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding. [Rachel Green] Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side) [Ross Geller] Hey, I was looking out for you. [Rachel Green] Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I don't need someone telling me what is best for me. [Ross Geller] I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever. [Rachel Green] Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. [Ross Geller] Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again. [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] That's right, sex is off the table. I am never having sex with you again. Dr. Green, are you feeling better? --------------------------------------- [Chandler Bing] Hey! How was lunch? [Erica] We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob. [Chandler Bing] Oh, really? [Erica] No! You we're right, that was fun! I'm gonna go finish packing. [Chandler Bing] O-okay. So, is she gonna take the test? [Monica Geller] Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is. [Chandler Bing] Oh God. It's shovely-Joe, isn't it? [Monica Geller] No it's not. [Chandler Bing] How do you know? [Erica] Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way. [Chandler Bing] Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do? [Monica Geller] The thing we never do. [Chandler Bing] Shovely Joe! --------------------------------------- [Director] Whenever you're ready Joey. [Joey Tribbiani] Right. Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo. [Casting Assistant] I'm sorry, what's going on? [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, come on! French it u-up! [Director] Joey, do you speak French? [Joey Tribbiani] Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof! [Director] You know what. I think this audition is over. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Regine Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estee Lauder. [Director] You really think this man is speaking French? [Joey Tribbiani] Sa-sa-saw! [Phoebe Buffay] Ecoutez, je vais vous dire la verite. C'est mon petit frere. Il est un peu retarde. [Phoebe Buffay] Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... [Director] Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part. [Joey Tribbiani] Ah. All right. But my French was good? [Director] It was great. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See! [Phoebe Buffay] Merci. Au revoir. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Emma's down for the night. [Rachel Green] Oh, good. [Ross Geller] So uh... I guess I wanna take off. [Rachel Green] Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me. [Ross Geller] Oh, no problem. [Rachel Green] And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again. [Ross Geller] Thank you. I'm glad you agree. [Rachel Green] It's a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good. [Ross Geller] Yeah... Yeah, that's true. [Rachel Green] Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...? [Ross Geller] Oh, ye-ah! [Rachel Green] You know it was you're uhm... birthday... [Ross Geller] ...Valentine's day... [Both] Oh yeah! [Rachel Green] Well, I guess that's all in the past, now. [Ross Geller] Hmmm-mmmm. [Rachel Green] Not even one more time? [Ross Geller] Not even once. [Rachel Green] No matter how much we want it. [Ross Geller] Even if we want it really bad. [Rachel Green] That's what we decided. [Ross Geller] Uhm, right! [Rachel Green] ...It's kinda hard though! [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Rachel Green] You know, when two people have a connection, you know, that's... just seems like such a... waste. [Ross Geller] ...I hate waste. [Rachel Green] ...Ross? [Ross Geller] Yes? [Rachel Green] Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. [Ross Geller] Damn it. It's never off the table. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, can you really tapdance? [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Phoebe Buffay] It's off the resume. [Phoebe Buffay] Archery? [Joey Tribbiani] No. [Phoebe Buffay] Horseback riding? [Joey Tribbiani] Would fall off a lot. [Phoebe Buffay] You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? [Joey Tribbiani] That I can do. [Phoebe Buffay] Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds? [Joey Tribbiani] All right, watch me! Okay, you time me. Ready? [Phoebe Buffay] Ready... GO! [Phoebe Buffay] You did it!

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e13", "title": "The One Where Joey Speaks French"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Princess Consuela [Mike Hannigan] Thank you guys for having us over. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh! Yeah, this is fun, couples night. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I don't know why we hang out with married couples more often. [Monica Geller] Well, because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away. [Chandler Bing] You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it. [Ross Geller] Hey, you guys... I have great news. [Monica Geller] Ross, we're kind of in the middle of diner here. [Ross Geller] Oh, well, er, I already ate, but sure...! Guess what happened at work today... [Chandler Bing] A dinosaur died a million years ago? [Ross Geller] Try sixty-five million years ago, and then try sssshhhhhh.... My tenure review board met today and I hear it's looking really good. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow! [Ross Geller] Yeah. Do you have any idea what this means in academic circles, uh? I am gonna get laid. [Rachel Green] Hi you guys. [#ALL#] Hey. [Rachel Green] Ooh, Italian! [Monica Geller] No one wanted seconds, right? [Ross Geller] No, no. I-I'm good. [Rachel Green] Hey you guys... You're never gonna believe it. This headhunter called me. I have a meeting tomorrow with Gucci. Gucci wants me. [Ross Geller] I'm up for tenure. [Rachel Green] Congratulations! [Ross Geller] You too! What are the odds? [Rachel Green] Ooh! [Joey Tribbiani] Guess what? I finally got that seed out of my teeth. [Monica Geller] I don't know who I'm happiest for... [Phoebe Buffay] I do, he's been working on that all day! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Mon? Was it weird changing your name to Geller-Bing? [Monica Geller] No, no. It felt nice to acknowledge this. [Phoebe Buffay] Where did you go to do it? [Monica Geller] Uhm the... the ministry... of names... bureau... [Chandler Bing] YOU NEVER DID IT! [Monica Geller] I'm sorry. It's just the idea of being an official Bing. [Chandler Bing] Hey! I will have you know that... aah, who am I kidding. Let's call the kid Geller and let Bing die with me. [Mike Hannigan] Here you go. [Phoebe Buffay] Thanks! Honey, would you want me to take your name? [Mike Hannigan] Oh, it's just... It's up to you. It's your name. You've got to live with it. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, let's see, call me mrs Hannigan. [Chandler Bing] Mrs Hannigan? [Phoebe Buffay] What? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something? Ooh, I like it. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey guys. [Chandler Bing] Hey Joe! We've got a couple of things we've got to check out at the new house. You want to come with us? [Joey Tribbiani] No, thank you. [Monica Geller] All right. I know you're not happy about us moving, but you're the only one who hasn't seen the house. [Chandler Bing] Yeah, come with us. You'll see how close it is to the city. [Joey Tribbiani] But no, it's not close. You said it was in escrow? I couldn't even find it on the map. [Monica Geller] Joey, please come. It would mean so much to us. [Joey Tribbiani] You know what? You are my friends, I wanna be supportive, I will come with you. SHOTGUN! [Chandler Bing] Damn it. [Monica Geller] See you guys later. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay! [Monica Geller] I'll pick you up at eleven. So glad you're coming. [Phoebe Buffay] Good for you. That was really mature. [Joey Tribbiani] What? No, the only reason I'm going to their stupid new house, is so I can point out everything that's wrong with it, so they don't move. I'm gonna make them stay here. [Mike Hannigan] You're a strange kind of grown-up. [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just... [Mike Hannigan] Woo-wo-hey-hey-hey... Can we not talk about that right now? [Phoebe Buffay] All right, prude... Look, Monica and Chandler really love this house. You are not gonna talk them into staying here. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it? [Joey Tribbiani] I AM NOT GONNA HELP YOU DO THAT! Goodbye! --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing. [Maitre D'] Mr Campbell's not here yet. Let me show you to his table. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! That's my boss. You have to seat us somewhere else. [Maitre D'] I'm sorry. That's always mr Campbell's table. [Rachel Green] But my... but my boss cannot see me. I'm interviewing for another job. [Maitre D'] I know. With Gukki. [Rachel Green] Sssshhhh! [Mr. Zelner] Rachel? [Rachel Green] Hi... I'm on a date... [Mr. Zelner] That's great! [Rachel Green] Yeah, it is. Yeah, you know, it's tough. Single mom, career... You gotta get out there. [Mr. Zelner] Well, you got uhm... good energy. [Rachel Green] Oh. [Mr. Campbell] Rachel? [Rachel Green] Yes, hi! [Mr. Campbell] James Campbell... [Rachel Green] Hi! Excuse us. [Mr. Campbell] Please... [Rachel Green] Okay. Oh, yeah... Oh he's cute! [Mr. Campbell] So... your resume is quite impressive. [Rachel Green] Wha... My resume? I wouldn't... I wouldn't call my online dating profile a resume. [Mr. Campbell] Dating profile? I-I-I'm talking about the work resume. [Rachel Green] Whatever happened to just singing for no reason? Huh? [Mr. Campbell] Maybe people... found it weird.... So, why do you want to leave Ralph Lauren? [Rachel Green] What? I-I don't. [Mr. Campbell] You don't? [Rachel Green] No, I-I-I love it there. [Mr. Campbell] Well, if you don't want to leave, why are we having this lunch? [Mr. Campbell] What? [Mr. Campbell] That's Hugo Boss? --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] This place is so depressing. If I had to work here I'd kill myself. But you obviously haven't. [Clerk] How can I help you? [Phoebe Buffay] I need to change my name, please. See, I need to change it because I'm-I'm hiding from the law. You're fun. [Clerk] You need to fill out this form. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, well, I just don't, I don't know how it works exactly. See, my name is Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan, so is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay? [Clerk] It can be anything you want. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, not anything, I mean... [Clerk] Yeah... anything. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, this could take a while. [Clerk] Get out of my line. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey Pheebs. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, not anymore. I changed it today. [Monica Geller] Oh, I'm sorry, mrs Hannigan. [Phoebe Buffay] Wrong again! Apparently you can change it to anything you want. So I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative. So meet Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. [Chandler Bing] That's what we were gonna name the baby. [Monica Geller] Phoebe! [Phoebe Buffay] Uh! Princess Consuela. [Monica Geller] You seriously changed your name to that? [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-huh! [Monica Geller] Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm, no. I'm gonna have my friends call me Valerie. [Chandler Bing] Hey, how'd the interview go? [Rachel Green] Oh! It's not good. [Chandler Bing] You know, I always feel that way after an interview. I'll bet it went better than you think. [Rachel Green] Well, I didn't get the job at Gucci and I got fired from Ralph Lauren. [Chandler Bing] That is a bad interview. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you, what are you talking about? How did this happen? [Rachel Green] Well, my boss was at the same restaurant where I was having my interview and he heard everything. So later he calls me to his office and he tells me that he's gonna have to let me go, because I'm not a team player. And I said "Wait a minute! Yes I am." and I had to sit there for 45 minutes while he proved that that in fact... was true. [Monica Geller] Oh God. I'm so sorry. [Ross Geller] Hey! Wha-hoo! What's this? Well it's a, it's a bottle of champagne. Why is this here? [Phoebe Buffay] Ross... [Ross Geller] I guess it's here because I GOT TENURE! [#ALL#] Congratulations! [Ross Geller] This is the single greatest day of my professional career. Gunther, six glasses! [Gunther] Six? You want me to join you? [Ross Geller] Oh, I thought Joey was here. Five is good. Well, I'm gonna have a loogie in my coffee tomorrow. [Chandler Bing] Ooh! Israeli champagne. And it's vanilla! [Ross Geller] I got tenure. I didn't win the lottery... Hey Rach, so uh... how did your thing go? [Rachel Green] Oh it... good! Yeah, but I'm not gonna hear from that for a couple of days. [Ross Geller] Oh, you know what? You're gonna get it. I-I-I-I can feel it. [Phoebe Buffay] Can you? [Rachel Green] Ah, all right. Here's to Ross! [Ross Geller] And-and to years of hard work finally paying off. [Phoebe Buffay] And to knowing that your career doesn't mean everything. [Ross Geller] But also knowing it means a lot. [Monica Geller] But more importantly to full well-rounded lives. [Ross Geller] ...that center around work. [Chandler Bing] To Ross! [#ALL#] Ross! [Ross Geller] You know what the best part about this is? I can never be fired. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh God! [Ross Geller] No seriously. I have job security for life. You know, I never have to worry. Oh, look at you. Look how happy you are for me. [Rachel Green] No, it's not that. I got fired today. And I didn't get the other job. [Ross Geller] Rach, I'm so sorry. [Rachel Green] Oh! [Ross Geller] Great. I feel like an idiot. [Rachel Green] No, it's okay, you didn't know. [Ross Geller] Oh... Little heads-up would have been nice. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Thank you for letting us see the house again. [Chandler Bing] And thank you for explaining to us what escrow means... I've already forgotten what you said, but thank you. [Realtor] Take as long as you want. Just let me know when you're through. [Monica Geller] Ah, so glad you decided to come. [Joey Tribbiani] Me too. Yeah, this place is great. I'm so happy for you guys. Although, you know, I hope you like fungus. [Chandler Bing] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Fungus! Yeah. Place is full of it. [Monica Geller] No it's not. We had an inspection and they didn't find anything. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. Then I guess I have dry eyes and a scratchy throat for no reason. [Monica Geller] Maybe because it's you hung your head out of the window like a dog the whole ride here. [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe. So this is the living room huh? Ooh, it's pretty dark. [Monica Geller] No it's not! [Joey Tribbiani] Are you kiddin'? I think I just saw a bat in the corner! [Chandler Bing] When your head was hanging out the window, it didn't hit a mailbox, did it? [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe. Well, I just think you guys can do better than this house, you know? Or any other house for that matter. [Monica Geller] Oh Joey, look, we know you're having a hard time with this, but we really, we love it here. [Joey Tribbiani] FINE, ok, if you love this house so much, then you should just live here, okay? I just hope you get used to that weird humming sound. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... [Monica Geller] Joey, we know that's you. [Joey Tribbiani] no... hmmmmm... it's not... hmmmmmmmmmm. --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Welcome back! [Mike Hannigan] Ah! I missed you. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, me too! [Mike Hannigan] So, what's new? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay. [Mike Hannigan] That's great! You changed you name? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes I did! Meet: Princess Consuela Banana Hammock! [Mike Hannigan] You're kidding right? [Phoebe Buffay] Nope. [Mike Hannigan] You really did that? [Phoebe Buffay] Yep. [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, but you can't do that. [Phoebe Buffay] Why? It's fun, it's different, no-one else has a name like it. [Mike Hannigan] Alright, then I'm gonna change my name. [Phoebe Buffay] Great, okay, what are you gonna change it to? [Mike Hannigan] Crap Bag. [Phoebe Buffay] Mike Crap Bag? [Mike Hannigan] No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag. [Phoebe Buffay] You're not serious, right? [Mike Hannigan] Yeah, I'm serious. It's fun, it's different and no-one else has a name like that! [Phoebe Buffay] Uhu, uhu, well, then, great. If you love it, I love it. [Mike Hannigan] I do love it, and I love your name. I love Princess Consuela. [Phoebe Buffay] And I love Crap. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Ow! [Girl] Who are you? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, hi, I'm Joey. My stupid friends are buying this house. Who are you? [Girl] I'm Mackenzie. My stupid parents are selling this house. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh. [Mackenzie] I hate my parents. [Joey Tribbiani] I hate my friends. Alright, look. There's gotta be a way that we can stop this from happening. [Mackenzie] Like what? [Joey Tribbiani] Uhm... oh! Okay. You come with me, and you tell them that the house is haunted! [Mackenzie] What are you? Eight? [Joey Tribbiani] Woah, uh! Okay, let's hear your great idea. [Mackenzie] I don't have any great ideas. I am eight. [Joey Tribbiani] Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean? [Mackenzie] I really don't. [Joey Tribbiani] What am I gonna do, I feel like I'm losing my friends. [Mackenzie] My parents say I'm gonna make new friends. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, yeah, sure, easy for you, you're young. Me, I'm set in my ways. [Mackenzie] This is what my mom was talking about. Whiners are wieners. Look, you want your friends to be happy, right? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah, I guess. [Mackenzie] Well, if moving here is gonna make them happy, don't you want them to do it? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, maybe. [Mackenzie] Then you gotta let them go. [Joey Tribbiani] I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. How did you get to be so smart? [Mackenzie] I read a lot. [Joey Tribbiani] Just when I thought we could be friends. --------------------------------------- [Man] Hey Rach, I just heard. I'm so sorry. [Rachel Green] Oh, thank you... [Man] You still don't know my name, do you? [Rachel Green] Well, now I don't have to. [Rachel Green] Ross, what is taking you so long? [Ross Geller] I'm sorry, it's almost as if this wasn't built for a quick getaway! [Mark Robinson] Rachel? [Rachel Green] Mark? Oh my God! [Mark Robinson] How've you been? [Rachel Green] I'm fantastic. You remember Ross? [Mark Robinson] Sure, sure. What's with the chair. [Ross Geller] Uh, you know, you can't always get a seat on the subway, so... [Mark Robinson] Clever. So how are you? [Rachel Green] Oh, well, you're not catching me on my best day. [Mark Robinson] Yeah, a box full of your desk stuff doesn't exactly say big promotion. [Rachel Green] No, but it's good, you know, I'm gonna take some time off and do some charity work. [Mark Robinson] Are you sure, because we may have something at Louis Vuitton. [Rachel Green] Well, screw charity work. What've you got? [Mark Robinson] Why don't we have dinner tonight and talk about it? [Rachel Green] Great! I'll call ya! [Mark Robinson] Nice to see you. [Ross Geller] Yeah! yeah, I got tenure! [Rachel Green] Oh my God! [Ross Geller] See? I told you something good would come along. And he seemed really nice. I've met him before? [Rachel Green] Ross! That's Mark. From Bloomingdales? You were insanely jealous of him. [Ross Geller] That is Mark? [Rachel Green] Yes. [Ross Geller] I hate that guy. [Rachel Green] Oh. [Ross Geller] No, no, NO, you cannot go to dinner with him. [Rachel Green] What? You don't want me to get a job? [Ross Geller] Oh yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give you a job. Maybe make you his SEXretary. [Rachel Green] Ugh. [Ross Geller] I'm serious. I just don't trust that guy, okay? [Rachel Green] Ross, you know what? Okay, let's talk about it later, there comes security. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh, I love this street. The trees, the big front yards, the actual picket fences. [Chandler Bing] Man, those two dogs are going at it! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Monica Geller] Hey, where have you been? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, just er... you know, looking around. But you know what? This house... is great. [Chandler Bing] Really? What changed your mind? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh well, the little girl who lives here made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. [Chandler Bing] Joey, there was a little girl who lived here, but she died like 30 years ago. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Chandler Bing] Ha! I'm just messing with you. [Joey Tribbiani] That's not funny! You know I'm afraid of little girl ghosts! [Monica Geller] Joey, now that you're okay with the house, do you wanna go see your room? [Joey Tribbiani] What? I get my own room? [Chandler Bing] You don't think we'd buy a house and not have a Joey room do you? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! Oh! Hey, can I have an aquarium? And a sex swing? [Chandler Bing] No! [Joey Tribbiani] Why not? I'll keep the tank clean. --------------------------------------- [Mike Hannigan] After you, miss Banana Hammock. [Phoebe Buffay] Thank you, mister Bag. [Woman] Oh hey, how are you? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh hi Rita! Good! Oh, Rita's a massage client. [Mike Hannigan] Oh! Why don't you introduce me? [Phoebe Buffay] Er, Rita, this is my husband. [Rita] Oh! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. [Mike Hannigan] Why don't you tell her my name? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, I will. This is my husband Crap Bag. [Rita] Crap Bag? [Mike Hannigan] If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap. [Rita] Okay. Excuse me... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah... Ogh... Okay, fine. You made your point. Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again? [Mike Hannigan] Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay. [Phoebe Buffay] How about uhm... How about Buffay-Hannigan? [Mike Hannigan] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah. I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan Banana Hammock. [Mike Hannigan] Do you even know what a banana hammock is? [Phoebe Buffay] It's a funny word. [Mike Hannigan] It's a Speedo. [Phoebe Buffay] ...Oh crap! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey, is Rachel here? [Monica Geller] No. [Ross Geller] She's still at dinner? [Monica Geller] I guess. Why? Who's she with? [Ross Geller] That guy Mark. From Bloomingdale's... She thinks he's just being nice to her. But I know he really wants to sleep with her. [Chandler Bing] It's seven years ago. My time machine works! [Ross Geller] We ran into him on the street today and he said he might have a job for her. But I know he just wants to get into her pants. [Monica Geller] So what if he wants to sleep with her? I mean, she's single and he's cute. [Chandler Bing] Excuse me? [Monica Geller] Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time. [Chandler Bing] For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents. [Monica Geller] Oh, sorry! [Rachel Green] Hi you guys! [Ross Geller] Hey, so uhm... How was dinner? [Rachel Green] Oh, it was great. Mark is so sweet. [Ross Geller] Oh yeah? Yeah? I wonder why? What could that smarmy letch possibly want? [Rachel Green] Oh Ross, come on. He's happily married. His wife just had twins. [Ross Geller] Should we send something? [Chandler Bing] How did the job stuff go? [Rachel Green] He offered me one. [Chandler Bing] That's great! [Ross Geller] Congratulations! [Rachel Green] I know, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's so much better than what I had at Ralph Lauren. The money is great... [Ross Geller] Can we, can we just stop for a second? Who said something better would come along, huh? You didn't believe me. I told you everything was gonna work out. You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. [Rachel Green] The job is in Paris. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] I mean, this soap opera is a great gig, but... am I missing opportunities? You know, I've always thought of myself as a serious actor. I mean, should I be trying to do more independent movies? [Mackenzie] I don't know... You know what? I'm gonna put you on with my bear. Hold on. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey bear, I need some career advice.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e14", "title": "The One With Princess Consuela"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One Where Estelle Dies [Chandler Bing] How did the job stuff go? [Rachel Green] He offered me one. [Ross Geller] You know what? This calls for a bottle of Israels finest. [Rachel Green] The job is in Paris. FADE OUT. [Rachel Green] Oh, God! Please, somebody say something. [Ross Geller] So if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris? [Chandler Bing] Or facing a bitch of a commute. [Rachel Green] I know, it's huge, and it's scary, and it's... really far, far away from you guys, but this is such an incredible opportunity for me. And I've already talked to them about our situation with Emma, and they said they'll do whatever we need to make us feel comfortable. [Ross Geller] Okay. [Rachel Green] I mean, I'll fly back and forth, they'll fly you out... Anything we want. [Chandler Bing] My boss said I might be getting a new lamp in my cubicle. [Ross Geller] All right, we'll work it out. [Rachel Green] Thank you! Thank you! [Ross Geller] Yeah, yeah! You sure this is what you want? [Rachel Green] I think it is. [Phoebe Buffay] Ooh, what's going on? [Rachel Green] I got a really incredible job offer. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, great! All right! [Phoebe Buffay] Good for you! [Rachel Green] It's in Paris. [Joey Tribbiani] What? No, no, no! No, no... no... no, no... No, too much is changing, okay? First, Phoebe getting married Congratulations! ... and then these two move into a stupid house in the stupid suburbs... [Monica Geller] Hey, this afternoon you said you'd be supportive... [Joey Tribbiani] Well, it comes and goes. I wouldn't trust it. [Rachel Green] Look, you guys... this is really, really important to me. And it means a lot if you could try to get on board. [Phoebe Buffay] Of course we can. Congratulations. Yay! Joey... [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no. My hugs are reserved for people STAYING IN AMERICA. [Rachel Green] Joey, it would mean so... [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! No! Get your France-going-arms away from me. [Rachel Green] Joey... [Phoebe Buffay] You okay with this? [Chandler Bing] Well, it makes me feel sad, but... [Phoebe Buffay] Talking to Ross. [Chandler Bing] I see. [Ross Geller] Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this? [Monica Geller] I know, but what are we gonna do? She really needs this job. [Ross Geller] Do you think if the Ralph Lauren people offered her her old job back, she would take it? [Monica Geller] How is that gonna happen? [Chandler Bing] Is this the best way to use one of your three magic wishes? [Ross Geller] I don't know. I could talk to her boss. Yeah! I met him at that Christmas party. We really hit it off. [Monica Geller] You mean the guy who kept calling you Ron? [Ross Geller] I didn't say we were brothers. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't. [Chandler Bing] We close escrow tomorrow, so seeing another house can only confuse us, and we're easily confused. We're not very bright. [Monica Geller] But what if it is better than ours? Should we at least look? [Chandler Bing] What do you think Pheebs? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I think that shirt makes you look like you should work at a Baskin Robbins... Anyway... Hey, isn't Joey's agent Estelle Leonard? [Chandler Bing] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] She died. [Chandler Bing] You're kidding! [Monica Geller] That's terrible! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, last Saturday. Wow! She was the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic. Oh, wait a minute, I read the wrong one. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, she was just an agent. [Monica Geller] Joey's gonna be *so* upset. [Chandler Bing] I know. *He* always wanted to be the first black man to cross the Atlantic. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, we cannot tell Joey about this. He's already flipping out about everything that's changing. This will push him over the edge. [Monica Geller] Seriously, you don't think we should tell him? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, not for a little while. Let's just give him a few days to get used to everything else. [Monica Geller] What if he reads it in the paper? [Chandler Bing] Unless Snoopy says it to Charlie Brown, I think we're okay. --------------------------------------- [Mr. Zelner] May I help you? [Ross Geller] Yeah, I'm a friend of Rachel Green's. Uhm, actually we met at the Christmas party about two years ago. [Mr. Zelner] Oh right, uhm, Don? [Ross Geller] Close. Ron. [Mr. Zelner] Uh... What can I do for you? [Ross Geller] Uhm, well... I'm here to see if you'll give Rachel her job back. [Mr. Zelner] Ah, did she ask you to come here and do this? [Ross Geller] Oh, no. At first I have to get you to agree. Then we'll see if she wants to come back. [Mr. Zelner] Wow, that is tempting. [Ross Geller] Look, she loved her job here. And let's face it: you're not gonna find anyone who did it as well as she did it. Isn't that true? [Mr. Zelner] She is good! [Ross Geller] Huh, I took a shot there. [Mr. Zelner] But I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do... Ah, it's not true, there is... nothing I want to do. [Ross Geller] I see... Thanks very much. Is this your son? [Mr. Zelner] Yeah, his name is Ross. What? [Ross Geller] Oh, nothing, it's just, it's close to Ron. Does he.. Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? [Mr. Zelner] Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? [Ross Geller] How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. . I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones... fossils! [Mr. Zelner] You can really arrange that? [Ross Geller] You let Rachel come back, and it's done. [Mr. Zelner] Well, I guess having Rachel back wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. [Ross Geller] Yeah! Yes! Thank you! This is great. Thank you so much. And I swear, your kid is going to have the time of his life. [Mr. Zelner] That's great. I worry about little Ross. He's always reading, he's collecting rocks and he's obsessed with dinosaurs. [Ross Geller] He'll be fine. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Hey Phoebe. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. Everything ok? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm just mad at my agent. [Phoebe Buffay] Estelle? Why? [Joey Tribbiani] There's a part in a TV movie that I would be perfect for and I didn't even be put up for it! She'd better have a good reason. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm guessing she does. [Joey Tribbiani] Well I'm wanna hear it, because she keeps doing this. [Phoebe Buffay] Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait. All right, I gotta go. Just listen. Promise me, that you will wait a minute before you call her. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok. Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Because a promise between friends means never having to give a reason. [Joey Tribbiani] I love that saying! . [Joey Tribbiani] Hello? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, it's Estelle. [Joey Tribbiani] I was just gonna call you! That's weird. [Phoebe Buffay] It's a little coincidental, but believable. . Listen, I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't get you an audition for that TV movie. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, actually I am! [Phoebe Buffay] I guess I dropped the ball there. Whoopsie! [Joey Tribbiani] That's it? You know, it seems all you do lately is drop the ball. [Phoebe Buffay] Don't take that tone with me. Who you think you are? Alan Lemond, the first black man to fly solo across the Atlantic? [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, look. All I'm saying is that you're my agent, ok? And you're not getting me into any auditions and I'm tired of it. [Phoebe Buffay] What are you saying? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm saying that... . This isn't working for me anymore, ok? Estelle, you're fired. Goodbye. . [Phoebe Buffay] Man, tough week for Estelle! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hi. [Rachel Green] Hi. [Ross Geller] Emma left her stuffed t-rex at my house. You know she can't sleep without it. [Rachel Green] Oh, well, she's asleep now. Stop forcing that thing on her. [Ross Geller] Ok. [Rachel Green] Oh, you're not gonna believe what happened to me today! Ralph Lauren called, and gave me my job back! [Ross Geller] Nooo! [Rachel Green] Yee. I mean, it was so weirdest thing. They fired me and then out of nowhere they just hire me back! I mean, that place must have been falling apart without me. [Ross Geller] So, you're not going to Paris. [Rachel Green] No, I'm still going. [Ross Geller] Wh... wh...what? [Rachel Green] When the Louis Vuitton people found out that Ralph Lauren wanted me back, the offered me more money! Isn't that great? [Ross Geller] Yeeeah! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Hi. We're buying the house next door, and we were wondering if we could just take a look around. [Lady] Oh, sure. I'm showing it to someone else right now, but please, look around. [Monica Geller] Thanks. [Chandler Bing] It feels like we're cheating on our house. And if we're gonna cheat, shouldn't it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won't do? [Monica Geller] Ours is so much better! This living room is smaller, the dining room looks like a cave! What a hole! [Lady] So? What do you think? [Monica Geller] Love it! [Lady] Well, we already have one offer on it, and I think the lady upstairs is goning to make another one. [Monica Geller] They could be our neighbors, what are they like? [Lady] Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she... [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh my God! . [Chandler Bing] Sure. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey Joey, want come with me to... are you ok? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I just... I just feel bad about firing Estelle. This is got to be killing her. [Phoebe Buffay] No, that wouldn't kill her. Ordinary embolism might. [Joey Tribbiani] I don't know. She's got to be taking it hard, I was like her only client. Except for this guy who eats paper. And I'm guessing he eats more money than he makes. Look, I know she's not a great agent, but she did stick with me for ten years. I'm gonna call her and hire her again. [Phoebe Buffay] No, no, no! Don't call her! You wait for her to call you. [Joey Tribbiani] Why? [Phoebe Buffay] Because patience is the road to understanding which ... is the key... to a happy heart. [Joey Tribbiani] You blow me away. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, so promise you're gonna wait for her to call you? [Joey Tribbiani] I promise. And that means, never having to give a reason. --------------------------------------- [Janice Litman Goralnik] What a small world! [Chandler Bing] And yet I never run into Beyonce! [Realtor] You two know each other? [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh, we go way back. Before Monica made an honest man out of him, Chandler used to be my little love muffin! . So? Are you guys thinking of getting this house too? Ooh! Are we gonna have a bidding war? I'd better warn you, I'm a toughie. [Chandler Bing] Don't, don't! [Monica Geller] No, actually, we're buying the house next door. [Chandler Bing] Why!? [Monica Geller] I don't know why. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Ooh, that decides it then. I was on the fence. But knowing that you two would be our neighbors? Ah! now we have to get it! Ellen, we're going to talk numbers. [Chandler Bing] This can not be happening! [Monica Geller] Okay, the realtor said another couple made an offer. Maybe the Janice's won't get it! Maybe the other couple will. [Chandler Bing] The only way that that is going to happen, is if the other couple are the Hitlers. [Monica Geller] Okay, Okay, All right. What if we got both houses? Huh? We can turn this house into a guest house. [Chandler Bing] That is a great idea! And by the way, I don't mean to sound distasteful, but when did you start crapping money!? [Monica Geller] Okay, you come up with an idea. [Chandler Bing] Alright alright, we still have three hours till escrow closes on our house. We can still get out. [Monica Geller] But we love our house. [Chandler Bing] Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and "Oh My God"! [Monica Geller] Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. [Chandler Bing] Well, we have to do something. We can't have her living next door. Oh, that does it too. --------------------------------------- [Mr. Zelner] Who is it? [Ross Geller] It's me. Ron. Look, I um, I now Rachel turned you down but I think there is a way you might be able to get her to come back. [Mr. Zelner] This may surprise you, but re-hiring fired employees, is not my main job. [Ross Geller] Just hear me out. How would you feel about offering her a raise? [Mr. Zelner] Not good, Ron. [Ross Geller] Perhaps I can persuade you. What if you can give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg replica. [Mr. Zelner] Wow, that's pretty cool. [Ross Geller] Huh? So? We have a deal? [Mr. Zelner] Okay, you got it. [Ross Geller] Yes! yes! [Mr. Zelner] This is gonna make me very popular. [Ross Geller] Oh, Believe me, the ladies, they love it! [Mr. Zelner] I meant with my son. [Ross Geller] Good, 'cause the ladies, not so much. --------------------------------------- [Answering Machine] Joey, this is Al T. Booker, the guy who eats paper. I'm sure you've heard that Estelle passed away. I wanted to let you know there's a memorial for her at the Westside chapel, tomorrow at ten. Hope you can make it. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God. Hello? [Phoebe Buffay] Joey, it's Estelle. [Joey Tribbiani] Estelle? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I wanted to call and tell you that there's no hard feelings for firing me. [Joey Tribbiani] Ok-ay. I just, I can't believe you're calling me? [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I didn't think I should just drop by... [Joey Tribbiani] No, no, no! Don't drop by, don't drop by! [Phoebe Buffay] Anyway, you did what you had to do. I'm okay. [Joey Tribbiani] Can I ask you something? Uhm, what's it like there? [Phoebe Buffay] It's alright. Look kiddo, I gotta go. Good luck with the career. You're gonna be huge. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks for everything Estelle. Bye. "out of area". Boy, I'll say. --------------------------------------- [Janice Litman Goralnik] Well... I just talked to Sid, we are definitely putting in an offer on the house... a-a-and I'll bet we get it. [Chandler Bing] The Hitlers will be so disappointed. [Janice Litman Goralnik] All right, I got to run. Tell Monica I say goodbye. And... I'll see you later, neighbor. [Chandler Bing] Wait! I just want you to know that... I'm so happy you're going to be here. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh, me too... [Chandler Bing] Because... that way... we can pick up where we left off. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Huh? [Chandler Bing] I never stopped loving you. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Oh... my... [Chandler Bing] Yeah, yeah, yeah! I want you... I need you... I must have you Janice Litman Goralnik Neihosenstein. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Chandler, what are you talking about? [Chandler Bing] Now that you live next door, we can be together every day. Sid and Monica never have to know a thing. [Janice Litman Goralnik] I don't know what to say... I mean, you know, obviously we have this... heat between us. [Chandler Bing] Obviously. [Janice Litman Goralnik] But I love my husband. And I know you love your wife. Now, I don't think we should get this house now. [Chandler Bing] Don't say that. Don't tangle the dream and take it away. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Chandler, one of us has got to be strong. [Chandler Bing] I understand. [Janice Litman Goralnik] Although, maybe just... one last moment of weakness... Goodbye Chandler Bing. [Chandler Bing] They're never coming down now. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Hi! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Rachel Green] You are never going to believe what happened to me today. [Ross Geller] What? [Rachel Green] Ralph Lauren called again and they offered me more money. [Ross Geller] They did? [Rachel Green] Yeah. It was the weirdest thing. Zelner called me and he said we'll do everything we can to get you back. And that I should thank some Ron... I don't even know what department that guy's in. [Ross Geller] So, what are you gonna do? [Rachel Green] Well, I took it. [Ross Geller] That's great! So you're staying in New York! [Both] YAY! WHOO! YAY! [Ross Geller] You're excited, right? [Rachel Green] Ye-ah. Yeah! You know, the money's great. It's certainly the easier choice... [Ross Geller] Right! [Rachel Green] Yeah, you know, was I looking forward to going to Paris? Sure. You know, was I excited about working in the fashion capital of the world? Ooh, absolutely... Oh...! Yeah, but you know, this is... it's fine. I'm fine going back to a job where I've pretty much gotten everything out of that I possibly can... [Ross Geller] Uhm, I hadn't no you... I had no idea you were so excited about Paris. Uhm, I mean, you said you were scared. [Rachel Green] Well yeah, but I mean, it was good scared though, you know? Like when I-moved-to-New-York scared. Or uhm, when I-found-out-I-was-gonna-have-Emma scared... But this is... fine. This is gonna be good. [Ross Geller] You should go. [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] It's what you want. You should go. [Rachel Green] You really think so? [Ross Geller] I really do. [Rachel Green] But I already told Zelner that I would come back... [Ross Geller] I'm sure he'll understand. [Rachel Green] All right. ALL RIGHT! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go to Paris. [Ross Geller] Yeah... [Rachel Green] Yeah! I'm going to Paris. Thank you, Ross! [Ross Geller] Yeah, yeah, oh! [Rachel Green] Oh! Oh, I'm so happy. [Ross Geller] Then I'm happy too. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Thank you all for coming. We're here today to pay respects to a wonderful agent and a beautiful woman... ..inside. As Estelle's only two clients we would like to say a few words. Dude, where's my speech? That is entertaining. Al Zebooker everybody.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e15", "title": "The One Where Estelle Dies"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The One With Rachel's Going Away Party [Joey Tribbiani] All right, all right, all right, let's play one more time, ok? And remember, if I win you do not move to Paris. [Rachel Green] Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose. [Joey Tribbiani] Just flip! [Rachel Green] Ha, tails! [Joey Tribbiani] Damnit! [Chandler Bing] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Chandler Bing] So we thought we'd throw you little going away party around seven. [Rachel Green] Oh, that sounds good! [Monica Geller] Hey, Rach, you're leaving tomorrow, shouldn't you be packing? [Rachel Green] It's all done! [Monica Geller] Oh, yeah, right! And after I took a shower this morning I just threw my towel on the floor! Oh God, it hurts to even joke about it. [Rachel Green] I know... Honey, seriously, I did it all. The luggage that I'm taking is in the bedroom, this is Emma's Paris stuff, these are the boxes that I'm having shipped, and that's the sandwich that I made for the plane... [Monica Geller] Ok, so you've done some good work! What about your carry-ons? [Rachel Green] Oh, well. Everything that I need is in here and my travel documents are on the counter organized in the order that I will be needing them. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! I have nothing left to teach you! [Chandler Bing] Where's your passport? [Rachel Green] It should be right next to my plane ticket. [Chandler Bing] Well, it's not. [Rachel Green] What? Maybe I put it in here . Oh, oh, it's not in there! Oh, no! I must have packed it in one of these boxes! [Monica Geller] Here, let me help you. [Rachel Green] Shoot. Oh, I can't believe I did this! [Chandler Bing] At what point did it stop being funny that I took her passport? OPENING SEQUENCE. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Oh, wow, can you believe you're like three weeks away? [Erica] I know. [Monica Geller] You don't mind me touching your belly, do you? [Erica] No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out. [Ross Geller] Hey! [Erica] Hi. [Ross Geller] Hey Erica, welcome back to town! Wow, look how big you've gotten. [Erica] That's because I'm pregnant! [Ross Geller] Right, no, I understand. [Erica] Oh, ok. I'm just always afraid that people think I'm just fat with big breasts. [Ross Geller] No, no, I knew . [Monica Geller] Okay, well, stop staring at them. [Ross Geller] She brought them up! I didn't realize you were coming back so soon! [Erica] Hey, well, in a couple of weeks I won't be able to travel. [Monica Geller] Yeah, and I wanted her to get to know the doctors and get settled into the hotel. [Ross Geller] Hotel? Why isn't she staying with you guys? [Monica Geller] Because we're moving in a couple of days and it just didn't make sense. [Erica] Plus hotels are fun! My room has this little fridge full of free snacks! [Ross Geller] Erica, those things aren't free. In fact they have one of the highest mark-ups of any consumer product... [Monica Geller] Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants. [Erica] I'll be right back. [Ross Geller] Oh man, I can't believe you guys are leaving this place. [Monica Geller] Oh, I know. I know. Hey, you know, you can take it if you want! The lease is still in Nana's name. [Ross Geller] No, no. This will always be your place. It would be too sad. Plus, how much a month does it cost to feed Joey? [Monica Geller] Yeah, it takes two incomes. [Ross Geller] Hey, is Chandler here? We talked about catching a movie. [Monica Geller] Oh, no. He doesn't have time for that. But if you want, you can go help him and Joey pack up the guest room. [Ross Geller] Mhm, packing - sexy cheerleader comedy. [Monica Geller] Mhm, helpful brother - creepy loner at teen movie. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] What are you guys doing? [Joey Tribbiani] Try it, I can't feel a thing! [Monica Geller] Are, are you kidding? This is packing? [Chandler Bing] We're taking a break! [Monica Geller] From? [Chandler Bing] Jumping on the bed? [Monica Geller] All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos! [Ross Geller] You got it! . All right, she's right, we gotta get serious. Let's put styrofoam peanuts down his pants and kick him! [Chandler Bing] No, no, no, guys. She's right. We should get to work. I'll take stuff out of the closet, Joey you pack 'em and Ross you re-pack whatever Joey packs. [Joey Tribbiani] You guys hear a ringing? [Chandler Bing] What the hell is this? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! Handcuffs! And fur line, nice! I didn't know you guys had it in ya! [Ross Geller] Chandler, you don't have a sister so you can't understand how much this bums me out. [Chandler Bing] I didn't know Monica had these! [Joey Tribbiani] Mhm, maybe she used them with another boyfriend. Maybe Richard! [Chandler Bing] Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves! [Ross Geller] Bumming hard, guys, bumming hard. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! [Monica Geller] Hey! Where's Mike? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, he has a gig. I kinda like being married to a rock star, you know. My husband has a gig. [Ross Geller] Yeah? Yeah, where is it? [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, he's playing organ for a children's roller-skating party. [Ross Geller] Rock on! Phoebe : Wow, this is quite a spread! What is all this stuff? [Monica Geller] Well, I thought this would be a great opportunity to use up all the food that I don't want to move to the new house with me! So, enjoy: smoke oyster casserole with a breakfast cereal crust, kidney beans in their own juices, and for dessert, a questionable orange. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey. [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Ross Geller] Hey, where's Rach? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, she's putting Emma down, she'll be over in a second. [Ross Geller] Great. [Joey Tribbiani] Now it just hit her that she's leaving and she's kind of emotional so no one say anything to set her off, ok? [Monica Geller] Yeah. [#ALL#] Hey Rach, hey you. [Ross Geller] Here she is! [Rachel Green] Hi you guys! [Joey Tribbiani] What did I just say? [Rachel Green] No, no, no. It's ok. I'm gonna be fine. [Monica Geller] Come here, I'll make you a drink. [Ross Geller] Oh, man! I can't believe she's actually leaving. How am I gonna say goodbye to Rachel? [Chandler Bing] I know, she's been such a big part of my life. And it feels like when Melrose Place got cancelled. I mean... oh, forget it. I miss Melrose Place! [Joey Tribbiani] You know, I had a chance to stop her too! [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Joey Tribbiani] Who loses fifty seven coin tosses in a row? Head she wins, tails I lose. Wait a minute... [Chandler Bing] Yes, Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning! [Phoebe Buffay] You doing ok? [Rachel Green] Well, I've been better. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh-hmm. [Rachel Green] You guys are gonna come and visit me, right? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes! You know, in six months the Statute of Limitations runs out and I can travel internationally again! [Rachel Green] I'm gonna miss you so much. [Phoebe Buffay] I know. [Rachel Green] You know what? Uhm, I have some goodbye stuff that I wanted to say to each of you and I was gonna save it until the end of the night, but come here . [Ross Geller] Hey, what do you think they're doing in there? [Joey Tribbiani] Huh, if I had to guess I'd say Rachel is putting on the bubble wrap and Phoebe is doing the punching. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh, Pheebs, I don't even know where to start. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, but I do have something for you. [Rachel Green] Oh, oh. . What is this? [Phoebe Buffay] It's a cotton swab with a bit of my saliva on it, so that if they perfect the cloning process while you are over there, you can use the DNA to create your own Pheebs! [Rachel Green] I'm gonna throw this away, but thank you so much for the gesture! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Chandler? I was just in our bedroom and I found these on my pillow. [Chandler Bing] Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play! [Monica Geller] What are you talking about? These aren't mine. [Chandler Bing] Oh yeah, right! Good luck getting another scarf dance from me! [Monica Geller] That would be a terrible punishment. But, I'm serious, I've never seen these before. [Chandler Bing] Really? Then what are they doing in our guestroom? [Monica Geller] Rachel used to live in that room. [Chandler Bing] Rachel... with handcuffs! Interesting! [Monica Geller] Joey's bare ass! [Chandler Bing] . Well played. [Rachel Green] I love you Phoebe. [Phoebe Buffay] I love you too. Please don't... Don't turn into... you know... French bitch! [Rachel Green] All right. Well, if I gonna do this, I'd better keep going. [Phoebe Buffay] Ok. [Rachel Green] Ok. Monica? [Monica Geller] Yeah? [Rachel Green] Can you come here with me for a minute? [Monica Geller] Sure. [Phoebe Buffay] Are you wearing waterproof mascara? [Monica Geller] No. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, you're so screwed. [Ross Geller] Hey. What was that all about? [Phoebe Buffay] She's gonna say goodbye to each of us individually. [Ross Geller] Are you kidding? Oh my God... [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, I know, it's gonna be even worse for you... God... Ross, get ready to do some serious crying. [Ross Geller] Oh, man, I'm not going to be able to handle this. Now I know how my students feel at the end of each year. And why they act out by giving me such bad evaluations. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Mon... Okay... I've gotta... just say what it is I'm gonna say... None of the amazing things that have happened to me in the last ten years, would have happened if it wasn't for you. No-one has been more like a sister to me... [Monica Geller] I know what you mean. You're like a sister to me too. [Rachel Green] I wouldn't know what I'm gonna do without you... [Monica Geller] You're the best friend I ever had. [Monica Geller] What? [Rachel Green] I... I... I... [Monica Geller] That is so sweet. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Oh no, she took down Monica... And I'm the crier in the family. Oh God! I could be next. Maybe she won't talk with me if it looks like we're deep in converstation. Oh, so that thing you said about the thing. It really made me think about that other thing. [Chandler Bing] Uh, Rach? [Ross Geller] Well it's okay. Chandler is talking to her. [Joey Tribbiani] I really made you think about that thing uh? [Chandler Bing] Uh, Rach... I think I have something that belongs to you. [Rachel Green] Oh, I'm sure gonna miss pretending to laugh at your weird jokes that I don't get. [Chandler Bing] No, no, no... They're really yours. We... found them in your old room. [Rachel Green] Well, these aren't mine. Maybe Monica used to use them with... [Chandler Bing] Don't say Richard! Well, if they're not Monica's and they're not yours, then whose are they? [Rachel Green] Well, I think you're forgetting the kinkiest former resident of that room. [Chandler Bing] Pheebs! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! [Chandler Bing] I think these are yours. [Phoebe Buffay] These are not mine... Look how flimsy they are, come on! Good God! You try to hang a guy from a waterpipe with these, they'll snap like a piece of licorice. [Rachel Green] Can I talk to you alone for a minute? [Chandler Bing] Sure. You don't really handcuff guys to waterpipes do you? [Phoebe Buffay] Where do you think Mike really is? --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh honey... [Chandler Bing] Let me just say something... Because once we get into this, I'm gonna get all uncomfortable and probably make some stupid joke... I just want to say that I... I love you... And, I'm gonna miss you. And I'm so sad that you're leaving. [Rachel Green] Oh, you know what? Let's not say anything else. I love you. [Chandler Bing] Ooh, not so tight... I'm sorry, just give me one more chance. [Rachel Green] Okay. Oh... [Rachel Green] Oh! [Chandler Bing] I'm sor... Just go. Just go. I can't, I can't. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] So, I guess you're next. You're ready? [Ross Geller] I don't think so. [Chandler Bing] Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years. [Monica Geller] You cried yesterday at the six o'clock news. [Chandler Bing] That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic. [Ross Geller] God! I can't believe she saved me for last. Why are they taking so long? [Phoebe Buffay] I don't know. But, God, Joey seems to be handling it suprisingly well. [#ALL#] No, no, no, no! [Ross Geller] Okay, here we go... [Rachel Green] Oh... Well... [Ross Geller] Yeah... [Rachel Green] I think I'm gonna take off. [Ross Geller] Huh? [Rachel Green] Oh, you guys. This was an amazing night. Thank you so much. I love you. Good night. [Ross Geller] What? I don't get a goodbye? [Joey Tribbiani] Lucky bastard! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Unbelievable. She says goodbye to everyone but me. [Monica Geller] Well, maybe she thought that with all of your history it could be, you know, implicit. [Ross Geller] Well, it needs to be plicit. [Joey Tribbiani] All right, let's think about this. I mean, there's got to be an explanation. Uh... did you do anything to make her mad? [Ross Geller] No, I don't think so. [Phoebe Buffay] You know, maybe she was just really spent from our talk. It was pretty intense. [Monica Geller] Yeah. Mine too. [Chandler Bing] Mine was a humdinger. [Ross Geller] O-kay... I mean, don't I deserve anything? I mean, a few tears, a cursory hug? NOT FROM YOU! [Phoebe Buffay] Ross, if you're this upset, you should go and talk to her. [Monica Geller] And say what? "You owe me a goodbye", I mean, he's got more pride than that. [Ross Geller] THE HELL I DO! [Ross Geller] I don't get a goodbye? [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things. [Rachel Green] Ross... [Ross Geller] Oh no, maybe it's me, I'm just not giving you enough credit. Uh, I mean it is difficult to say goodbye to five people. Uh, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, good... IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. You know what? After all we've been through, I can't believe this is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] I hope Ross isn't too upset. [Joey Tribbiani] I'm sure he's not more bummed out than I am. [Phoebe Buffay] Tell me about it. [Chandler Bing] Well, you can't say we don't know how to throw a party. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, I think I'm gonna head out. [Monica Geller] Uh, where do you think you're going? [Phoebe Buffay] I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here. [Monica Geller] We're moving in a couple of days and we've got a lot of packing to do. It would be great if you guys could pitch in. [Chandler Bing] Joey and I can finish up in the guest room. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea. [Monica Geller] Oh no! You and Phoebe are gonna help me in here. [Chandler Bing] You couldn't be cool. [Monica Geller] Okay, we're gonna start in the kitchen. Plates get put into plate protectors and stacked ten to a box. The silverware gets bundled in rubber bands and then bubble wrapped. Got it? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Monica Geller] Good! Now I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember, if I am harsh with you, it is only because you are doing it wrong. [Chandler Bing] Hey Mon, I think I figured out whose handcuffs they are. [Monica Geller] You did? How? [Chandler Bing] Well, I was cleaning out the closet and I found some pictures of them... being used. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! Let me see. [Joey Tribbiani] Who's that dirty old lady? [Chandler Bing] Monica's grandmother. [Monica Geller] Nana liked it rough! [Erica] Hi! [#ALL#] Hey! [Joey Tribbiani] Come on here, have a seat. [Phoebe Buffay] How was your night? [Erica] Oh, it was okay. I went to a movie with my cousin and then out for dinner. We went to this place that had... Ooh... Hoo... ooh... Anyway, they had these really amazing cheeseburgers. [Monica Geller] Erica, are you okay? [Erica] Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach aches. They come and go like every few minutes. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] Relax! We just get her some antacids. [Monica Geller] She doesn't have a stomach ache, she's in labor. [Chandler Bing] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, you got to get to the hospital. [Monica Geller] All right, Chandler get the coats. Erica let's go. Phoebe and Joey, keep packing! Oh my God we're gonna have a baby. All right. We're gonna have a baby! OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY! Oh God, oh God, I got to sit down, I got to sit down. Ooh! [Chandler Bing] Honey, it's gonna be okay. [Erica] You can do this. Just breathe. [Monica Geller] Okay, okay... Okay, I feel a little better. [Erica] Ooh! Are you sure? [Monica Geller] Oh... Yes, I'm sure. Oh honey, let's go. Okay bye everyone. [Joey Tribbiani] Chandler, wait, wait, wait... [Chandler Bing] What? [Joey Tribbiani] If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care? [Ross Geller] That's what it seemed like. [Rachel Green] I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know ONE thing about me. [Ross Geller] Fine, then why didn't you say something? [Rachel Green] Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can't even begin to explain to you how much I'm gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go... Okay, so if you think that I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there's your goodbye... Oh! [Ross Geller] Rach! [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] You keep, you keep... You can't... [Rachel Green] WHAT? --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] A little more. [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Joey Tribbiani] A little more, a little more. A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, ready? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. All right, now give me your best shot. [Phoebe Buffay] All right, here it goes... [Joey Tribbiani] Doesn't work...

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e16", "title": "The One With Rachel's Going Away Party"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The Last One, Part 1 [Jennifer Aniston] Previously on Friends. [Monica Geller] Erica, are you okay? [Erica] Yeah, you know, maybe I ate too much. I keep getting these stomach-aches. They come and go like every few minutes. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] Relax! We'll just get her some antacids. [Monica Geller] She doesn't have a stomach-ache. She's in labor! [Chandler Bing] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. [Ross Geller] Rach! [Rachel Green] What?! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Shh.. Go back to sleep. I have to go home. [Ross Geller] Oh. This was amazing. [Rachel Green] It really was. You've learned some new moves! [Ross Geller] Yeah, well, this guy at work gave me "Sex for Dummies" as a joke. [Rachel Green] Ah. [Ross Geller] Who's laughing now? [Rachel Green] I know! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Breathe, breathe, breathe... Good. [Chandler Bing] Next time, can I say breathe? [Monica Geller] No, last time you said it like Dracula, and it scared her! Can I get you anything? You want some more ice chips? [Erica] No, I'm okay. [Monica Geller] Alright, I'll be right back. [Chandler Bing] Where are you going? [Monica Geller] To use the bathroom. [Chandler Bing] You can't leave me alone with her. [Monica Geller] What? [Chandler Bing] This is exactly the kind of social situation that I am not comfortable with! [Monica Geller] What kind of social situation are you comfortable with? [Chandler Bing] It's just that we've never spent any time, you know, alone together. [Monica Geller] You'll be fine. Nah, you won't, but I'll be back in two minutes. [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Chandler Bing] So, ah... Any plans for the summer? [Erica] I don't know. Maybe church-camp? [Chandler Bing] Hah. May not wanna mention this. So, you ever wonder which is worse, you know; going through labor or getting kicked in the nuts? [Erica] What? [Chandler Bing] Well, it's just interesting. You know, because no one will ever know, because no one can experience both. [Chandler Bing] One of life's great, unanswerable questions. I mean, who knows? Maybe there's something even more painful than those things? Like this. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Morning. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] What's that? [Joey Tribbiani] It's my house-warming present for Monica and Chandler. [Phoebe Buffay] It's a baby chick and duck! [Joey Tribbiani] Uh-huh. And I named them Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. [Phoebe Buffay] I did not see that coming. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I figure they'll love it at the new house, you know? It has that big backyard. And then, when they get old, they can go to that special farm that Chandler took the other chick and duck to. [Phoebe Buffay] Yes. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. It's a shame people can't visit there. [Phoebe Buffay] That is the rule, though. [Phoebe Buffay] Guess what? You're almost an uncle! [Ross Geller] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, Erica went into labor last night. Monica and Chandler are at the hospital right now! [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, and I have a definite feeling it's gonna be a girl. [Ross Geller] Phoebe, you were sure Ben was gonna be a girl. [Phoebe Buffay] Have you seen him throw a ball? [Ross Geller] Is Rachel here? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, I think she's still asleep. Hey, hey, how did it go with you guys last night? She seemed pretty pissed at you. [Ross Geller] Uh, we, y'know, we worked things out. [Phoebe Buffay] What's that smile? Did something happen with you two? [Ross Geller] Hey, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but I'm also not one to have sex and shut up. We totally did it! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God. You and Rachel? [Ross Geller] I know, it's pretty great. [Joey Tribbiani] So what does that mean? Are you guys getting back together? [Ross Geller] Oh, I.. I don't know. We didn't really get to talk. [Phoebe Buffay] But do you wanna get back together? [Ross Geller] I don't know. It was incredible. I mean, it just felt so right. When I was holding her, I mean, I never wanted to let her go. You know what? Yeah, I do. I wanna be together. [Phoebe Buffay] YAY! [Ross Geller] Shhh! [Phoebe Buffay] Yay! [Joey Tribbiani] So, so is she still going to Paris? [Ross Geller] Wow, I hadn't thought of that. I hope not. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, this is like the best day ever. Ever! You guys might get back together, Monica and Chandler are getting their baby, there are chicks and ducks in the world again! Oh, I feel like I'm in a musical! "Daa - raa... When the sun comes up, bright and beaming! And the moon comes..." [Rachel Green] Morning! [Phoebe Buffay] Guess we'll never know how it ends. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Ross Geller] Hey. [Rachel Green] Hey. [Ross Geller] Hey. How did you sleep? [Rachel Green] Good. You? [Ross Geller] Good. [Joey Tribbiani] I bet you did! [Ross Geller] Uh. Would you guys mind giving us a minute? [Joey Tribbiani] Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck? [Rachel Green] Chick and the duck? Didn't they die... [Phoebe Buffay] Dive. Yeah, they dove head-first into fun on the farm. [Ross Geller] So... [Ross Geller] Morning. [Rachel Green] You too. Last night was just wonderful. [Ross Geller] It really was. [Rachel Green] I woke up today with the biggest smile on my face. [Ross Geller] I know, me too. It was... You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be. [Rachel Green] Uh-huh. I know. It was just, it was just the perfect way to say goodbye. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] It's just a little bit more, honey. [Erica] Help me! This hurts! [Chandler Bing] Is it really that bad? [Erica] Uh-huh! I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse! [Doctor] The baby's head is crowning. [Monica Geller] Oh! Oh my God! That is the most beautiful top of a head I have ever seen! Chandler, you have to see this! [Chandler Bing] I'm okay. [Monica Geller] Chandler, you don't wanna miss this. This is the birth of your child! It's the miracle of life! [Chandler Bing] Alright. Wow, that is one disgusting miracle. [Doctor] Start pushing. Here we go. Here come the shoulders... [Monica Geller] It's a... It's a boy! [Chandler Bing] Wow! [Erica] Is he okay? [Doctor] He's just fine. [Monica Geller] Oh, you did it! [Chandler Bing] It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see. [Doctor] Would you like to cut the umbilical cord? [Chandler Bing] Well, that's spongy. [Monica Geller] Oh, hey handsome! Oh, I'm gonna love you so much that no woman is ever gonna be good enough for you! Oh, we are so lucky! [Chandler Bing] I know. He has your eyes. [Chandler Bing] I mean, I know that's not possible, but he does. [Nurse] We'll just get him cleaned up a bit. [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Monica Geller] Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much. [Erica] I'm really happy for you guys. [Chandler Bing] How do you feel? [Erica] I'm tired! [Doctor] Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute. [Monica Geller] I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now? [Doctor] The next baby should be along in a minute. [Monica Geller] We only ordered one! [Doctor] You know it's twins, right? [Chandler Bing] Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know! --------------------------------------- [Doctor] I can't believe you didn't know it's twins! This has never happened before. [Chandler Bing] Well, gosh. That makes me feel so special and good. [Monica Geller] Wait, did you know it was twins? [Doctor] Yeah, it's here in the paperwork we got from the clinic in Ohio. [Monica Geller] Anybody tell you? [Erica] I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby. [Monica Geller] This is unbelievable. [Erica] Twins actually run in my family. [Chandler Bing] Interesting! Can I see you for a second? [Chandler Bing] What do we do? [Monica Geller] What do you mean "what do we do"? [Chandler Bing] Twins! Twins!! [Monica Geller] Chandler, you're panicking! [Chandler Bing] Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?! Okay, what do you say we keep one, and then just like have an option on the other one? [Monica Geller] We can't split them up! [Chandler Bing] Why not? We could give each of them half a medallion, and then years later, they'll find each other and be reunited. I mean, that's a great day for everybody. [Monica Geller] Okay, what if the person who adopts the other one is horrible? [Chandler Bing] What if they're not? What if it's adopted by a king? [Monica Geller] Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt. [Chandler Bing] Monica, we are not ready to have two babies! [Monica Geller] That doesn't matter! We have waited so long for this. I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies! I don't care if the entire cast of "Eight is Enough" comes out of there! We are taking them home, because they are our children! [Chandler Bing] Okay. Shhh... [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Monica Geller] Okay! [Chandler Bing] Okay! [Doctor] It looks like we're about ready over here. [Doctor] Come on, Erica, start pushing again now. [Erica] Ow! [Doctor] Here she comes! [Chandler Bing] She? It's a girl? [Doctor] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] Well, now we have one of each! And that's enough! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] And then she said it was the perfect way to say goodbye. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! What did you say? [Ross Geller] Nothing! What do you say to that? [Phoebe Buffay] Ross, you've got to tell her how you feel! [Ross Geller] No way! [Joey Tribbiani] You can't just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do? [Ross Geller] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Dude, I'm just trying to speak your language. [Phoebe Buffay] Ross, Rachel doesn't know that you wanna get back together. If she did, she might feel differently. She might not even go. [Ross Geller] You really think so? [Phoebe Buffay] I'm telling you! Oh, okay! This is the part of the musical where there'd be a really good convincing song. "Bam-bam, don't take no for an answer. Bam-bam, don't let love fly away. Bam-bam-bam-bam..." [Rachel Green] Hi! [Phoebe Buffay] Can't a girl finish a song around here? [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Rachel Green] Hi! So I just dropped Emma off at my mom's. [Ross Geller] Okay. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, you're not taking her with you tonight? [Rachel Green] No, we decided that I would go ahead and set up first, and then my mom would bring Emma to Paris on Sunday. [Phoebe Buffay] Wow, eight hour flight with a one-year old? Good luck, mom. [Rachel Green] Are you kidding? Eight hours with my mother talking about Atkins? Good luck, Emma! [Ross Geller] Alright, you know what? You're right. I should at least tell her how I feel. [Joey Tribbiani] Ross, wait! [Ross Geller] What? What? [Joey Tribbiani] Could you get me a muffin? [Gunther] Rachel? [Rachel Green] Yeah? [Gunther] I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. [Gunther] I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. [Rachel Green] Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a cafe, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. [Rachel Green] Oh... Bye guys. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Phoebe Buffay] Unbelievable! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, you know what might help? [Ross Geller] I'm not getting you a muffin! --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Do you think they recognize each other from in there? [Chandler Bing] Maybe. Unless they're like two people who have lived in apartments next to each other for years, and then one day they're pushed through a vagina and they meet. [Nurse] We're going to take Erica to recovery now. [Monica Geller] There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica. [Erica] Oh my God, that's just like my name! [Monica Geller] Son of a gun, it is! [Erica] Anyway, I'm gonna go and get some rest. I'm really glad I picked you guys. You're gonna make great parents. Even Chandler. [Monica Geller] Okay, well, bye! [Erica] Bye! [Chandler Bing] Bye! [Monica Geller] We'll call you! [Erica] Okay. [Chandler Bing] Have fun at church-camp! [Monica Geller] Oh, look at these little bunnies! [Chandler Bing] I know! You ready to trade? [Monica Geller] Okay. [Chandler Bing] Okay. [Monica Geller] Alright, let's see.. [Chandler Bing] We could trade later. [Monica Geller] Yeah, I'm good. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, what are you working on? [Joey Tribbiani] It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby. [Phoebe Buffay] How sweet! Oh, is that the baby? [Joey Tribbiani] No, I sat in the paint. [Ross Geller] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. So, did you talk to Rachel? [Ross Geller] No, and I'm not going to. [Phoebe Buffay] What? [Joey Tribbiani] Why not? [Ross Geller] Because she's just going to shoot me down. You guys saw what happened with Gunther. That did not look like fun. [Phoebe Buffay] How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean, sure, he's sexy in a more obvious way. You have a relationship with her, you slept together last night. [Ross Geller] Yeah, and she still wants to go! It's pretty clear where she is. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, sometimes... [Phoebe Buffay] Uh, Joe? [Joey Tribbiani] Damn it! [Ross Geller] Look, even if I were gonna tell her, I don't have to do it now. Okay? I'll be seeing her again. We've got time. [Phoebe Buffay] No, you don't! She's going to Paris! She is going to meet somebody. Do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's... It's a city of Gunthers! [Mike Hannigan] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey! What do you have there? [Mike Hannigan] Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it'd be better, but.. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! You did that yourself? [Phoebe Buffay] Honey, that's gorgeous! [Joey Tribbiani] You know, the baby can't read, Mike! [Rachel Green] Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby! [Joey Tribbiani] Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there's some big surprise. [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, did she sound happy about it? 'Cause my friend Ethel's baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard. [Rachel Green] Oh my God! [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] Hi! Oh my gosh! [Chandler Bing] Hey. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, so what is the big surprise? [Rachel Green] Oh. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] What... What... [Ross Geller] Okay, okay, awkward question. The hospital knows you took two, right? [Monica Geller] Yes, it's twins! [Ross Geller] Oh my God. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, they're so cute! Now, what, what kinds are they? [Monica Geller] This is a boy, and that's a girl. [Chandler Bing] Her name is Erica. [Rachel Green] Aw.. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica. [Chandler Bing] Yeah. It's a shame you two didn't get to spend more time together. [Monica Geller] Yeah, we named the boy Jack after dad. [Ross Geller] Aw, he's gonna be so happy. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh, Jack Bing. I love that. Ooh, it sounds like a '40s newspaper guy, you know? "Jack Bing, Morning Gazette. I'm gonna blow this story wide open!" [Rachel Green] Oh my gosh. Wow, so beautiful. [Mike Hannigan] I want one. [Phoebe Buffay] Oh yeah? Well, tell me which one, and I'll try slip it in my coat. [Mike Hannigan] Seriously. Wanna make one of those? [Phoebe Buffay] One? How about a whole bunch? [Mike Hannigan] Really? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah! Ooh, we could teach them to sing, and we can be like the Von Trapp family! Only without the Nazis. Although that sounds kinda dull. [Rachel Green] Oh, you guys, I can't believe this. But I'll leave now, or I'm gonna miss my plane. [Monica Geller] I'm just so glad you got to see the babies. [Rachel Green] Me too. Oh, I'm just sorry I'm not gonna be around to watch you two attempt to handle this! Alright, I can't say goodbye to you guys again. I love you all so much. [Monica Geller] I love you. [Chandler Bing] I love you. [Monica Geller] Call us when you get there. [Rachel Green] I will. Ross, come here. [Rachel Green] I just want you to know.. Last night.. I'll never forget it. [Ross Geller] Neither will I. [Rachel Green] Alright, now I really have to go. Okay. Au revoir! Oh, they're gonna really hate me over there. [Phoebe Buffay] So, you just let her go? [Ross Geller] Yeah. [Joey Tribbiani] Hey, maybe that's for the best. [Ross Geller] Yeah? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. You know? You just... Look, you gotta... You gotta think about last night the way she does, okay? Maybe, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye? [Phoebe Buffay] But now she'll never know how he feels! [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe that's okay. You know? Maybe, maybe it is better this way? I mean, now, now you can move on. I mean, you've been trying to for so long, maybe now that you're on different continents.. Right? [Joey Tribbiani] Maybe now you can actually do it. You know? You can finally get over her. [Ross Geller] Yeah, that's true. Except I don't wanna get over her. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Ross Geller] I don't! I wanna be with her. [Joey Tribbiani] Really? [Ross Geller] Yeah, I'm gonna go after her. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you are! [Phoebe Buffay] Woo! [Phoebe Buffay] Wait, wait! Get your coat! Get your coat! [Ross Geller] My coat... [Joey Tribbiani] This is so cool! [Chandler Bing] I have no idea what's going on, but I am excited! [Joey Tribbiani] But Ross, Ross. What do you, what do you think she's going to say? [Ross Geller] I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?! [Phoebe Buffay] You didn't bring one! My cab's downstairs, I'll drive you to the airport. [Ross Geller] Okay, guys, wish me luck. [Phoebe Buffay] Hurry! [Joey Tribbiani] Good luck, good luck! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] There's no seatbelt! [Phoebe Buffay] That's okay. If - if we hit anything, the engine will explode, so you know, it's better if you're thrown from the car. [Ross Geller] Alright, alright, let's do this! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay! [Ross Geller] Hey! [Man] 18th and East End. [Phoebe Buffay] I - I don't take passengers. [Man] Hey! The law says you have to accept any fare. [Ross Geller] No, you don't understand. This isn't a real cab. [Man] Alright, I gotta report you. What's your medallion number? [Phoebe Buffay] My medallion number is, "Get out of the cab!" [Man] What? [Ross Geller] Get out of the cab! [Phoebe Buffay] Get out of the cab! --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, hey, hey, can I give you guys your house-warming present now? [Monica Geller] Now, that you can do. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright! [Joey Tribbiani] Ah... Chick Jr.? Duck Jr.? Don't hide from mama! --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] You can open your eyes now. [Ross Geller] Are we off the bridge? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes. [Ross Geller] Is the old woman on the bicycle still alive? [Phoebe Buffay] Yes, she jumped right back up. [Ross Geller] Oh my God, Phoebe, slow down! [Phoebe Buffay] Do you wanna get to Rachel in time? [Ross Geller] Yes, but I don't wanna die in your cab! [Phoebe Buffay] You should have thought of that before you got in! [Phoebe Buffay] Toll-booth. [Ross Geller] What? [Phoebe Buffay] Toll-booth! Four bucks. There are quarters in the glove compartment. [Phoebe Buffay] Hurry! [Ross Geller] Okay! [Phoebe Buffay] Okay. [Phoebe Buffay] Damn, that window is clean. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, quack, tweet, tweet, quack, tweet, quack... [Chandler Bing] We were wondering what was taking so long with the gift, but now we understand you were doing this. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, I wanted to surprise you, but for your house-warming gift, I got you a baby-chick and a baby-duck! [Chandler Bing] Really? You got us a chick and a duck? [Monica Geller] Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, yeah, they must have jumped off the table, 'cause now they're gone! [Chandler Bing] Oh, don't worry, we'll find them. [Monica Geller] Actually, I'm gonna go check on the twins. [Chandler Bing] Alright. [Monica Geller] Oh God! What did I just step on? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! [Chandler Bing] It's okay, it's just an egg roll. [Monica Geller] Oh.. [Joey Tribbiani] You stepped on my egg roll? [Monica Geller] I'm sorry, I didn't know to look for Chinese food on the floor. [Joey Tribbiani] Just put it on a plate and leave. [Chandler Bing] Okay, let's find these birds. [Joey Tribbiani] Alright. [Joey Tribbiani] Wait, wait. Do you hear that? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! They're in the table! [Chandler Bing] Well, that can't be good! [Joey Tribbiani] We gotta get them out of there! [Chandler Bing] How? [Joey Tribbiani] Oh, oh! Maybe we can lure them out. You know any birdcalls? [Chandler Bing] Oh, tons, I'm quite the woodsman. [Joey Tribbiani] Well, maybe we can just tip the table a little. [Chandler Bing] Joey, wait! The ball! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh! [Joey Tribbiani] Oh God! So what do we do? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. Maybe we can open this up somehow. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. [Chandler Bing] No... It's all glued together. [Joey Tribbiani] Does that mean we have to bust it open? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. Maybe. [Joey Tribbiani] Oh my God! [Chandler Bing] I know! It's.. It's the foosball table. [Joey Tribbiani] All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like I would have said in that sci-fi movie if I'd gotten the part. "Those are our men in there, we have to get them out! Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life; my time-machine." [Chandler Bing] Did that movie ever get made? [Joey Tribbiani] It did not. --------------------------------------- [Phoebe Buffay] Ross, where are you going? [Ross Geller] To talk to Rachel, isn't that why we took a ride in the death-cab? [Phoebe Buffay] What? What are you just gonna walk up to her at the gate? Have you never chased anyone through the airport before? [Ross Geller] Not since my cop-show got cancelled. [Phoebe Buffay] You have to get a ticket to get past security. [Ross Geller] What? We're never gonna make it! [Phoebe Buffay] Not with that attitude! Now, haul ass! [Ross Geller] Okay, if you could all walk slower, that'd be great.

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e17", "title": "The Last One, Part 1"}

friends/emorynlp

Friends - The Last One, Part 2 [Gate Attendant #1] Madame, your passport please? [Rachel Green] Oh my God! I was so afraid I wasn't gonna remember any of my high-school French, but I understood every word you just said! [Gate Attendant #1] Your boarding pass, please. [Rachel Green] Oh. [Rachel Green] Oh, shoot. I had it. Oh, I can't believe this. [Gate Attendant #1] Madame, if you don't have your boarding pass... [Rachel Green] I have it, I have it, I have it. Oh, okay, I can't find it, but I remember that I was in seat 32C, because that's my bra-size. [Gate Attendant #1] Madame, you must have your boarding pass.. [Rachel Green] Okay, fine! But you know what? If I was in 36D, we would not be having this problem. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Hey, I need a ticket. [Phoebe Buffay] Just one? I drive you all the way down here, and I don't get to see how it works out? [Ross Geller] Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets. [Phoebe Buffay] We're on our honeymoon. [Ticket Agent] And the destination? [Ross Geller] I don't care. Whatever is the cheapest. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm so lucky I married you. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Oh! Shoot! Damn it! Where is it? Oh! Oh! I found it! I found it! [Rachel Green] Hah! I found it! I told you I would find it! In your face! You're a different person. --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Okay, flight 421 to Paris. I don't see it, do you see it? [Phoebe Buffay] No, did we miss it? [Ross Geller] No, no, no. That's impossible. It doesn't leave for another 20 minutes. [Phoebe Buffay] Maybe we have the flight-number wrong. God. [Monica Geller] Hello. [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, it's me. Here's Ross. [Ross Geller] What? Hey, hey, listen.. [Monica Geller] Oh my God! Ross, you wouldn't believe the cute little noises the twins are making. Listen. [Ross Geller] Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? [Monica Geller] Oh, I'm sorry. Shoot, they were doing it before. [Ross Geller] That's alright. Listen, listen. [Monica Geller] Oh, wait, wait, wait! Here they go again. [Ross Geller] Monica? Monica, Monica, Monica, Monica..? [Monica Geller] Isn't that cute? [Ross Geller] That is precious! Listen! I need Rachel's flight information. [Monica Geller] Oh, okay. Alright, it's flight 421. Leaves at 8:40. [Ross Geller] Yes, that's what I have. It's not on the board. [Monica Geller] That's what it says here. Flight 421, leaves at 8:40, Newark airport. [Ross Geller] What? [Monica Geller] Newark airport. Why, where are you? [Ross Geller] JFK. --------------------------------------- [Joey Tribbiani] Don't worry, you guys, we're gonna get you out of there. [Chandler Bing] And we're also gonna buy you tiny, bird hearing-aids. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. Here goes. [Chandler Bing] What's the matter? [Joey Tribbiani] I need to say goodbye to the table first. [Chandler Bing] I understand. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay. Table, you have given us so many great times. And you guys, Jordan, Victor, Joel... All of you guys. What can I say? You guys make us look good. You wanna say anything? [Chandler Bing] I don't know. Except that, for one last time... Good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game, good game. [Joey Tribbiani] Okay, here we go. I can't do it. [Chandler Bing] Well, I can't do it either. [Monica Geller] Hey! Did you find them? [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, they're stuck inside the table! [Chandler Bing] We have to bust it open, but neither of us can do it! [Monica Geller] Oh, well sure. This gotta be so hard. I'll do it. Gimme! --------------------------------------- [Ross Geller] Phoebe! Wow! No, no, no! [Phoebe Buffay] Well, I've never gone this fast before. [Ross Geller] Phoebe, forget it, okay? Newark is - is like an hour away. There's no way we're gonna make it in time. [Phoebe Buffay] She's got her cell, you could call her. [Ross Geller] I am not doing this over the phone. [Phoebe Buffay] You don't have any other choice! [Rachel Green] Hello? [Phoebe Buffay] Rachel? Oh, good. Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane? [Rachel Green] Yeah. [Phoebe Buffay] For what it's worth, we would have caught her if we were at the right airport. [Ross Geller] Yay. [Phoebe Buffay] Uh, Rach, hang on. [Rachel Green] Phoebe? Is everything okay? [Phoebe Buffay] Uhm, actually no. No, you've... You have to get off the plane. [Rachel Green] What? Why? [Phoebe Buffay] I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left Philange. [Rachel Green] Oh, honey, I'm sure there's nothing wrong with the plane. [Rachel Green] Alright, look, I have to go. I love you, and I will call you the minute I get to Paris. [Passenger #1] Uhm, what was that? [Rachel Green] Oh, that was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane, because she had a feeling that there was something wrong with the left Philange. [Passenger #1] Okay, that doesn't sound good. [Rachel Green] I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this, and you know what? She's almost never right. [Passenger #1] But she is sometimes. [Rachel Green] Well... [Rachel Green] Wait, what are you doing? [Passenger #1] Well, I can't take this plane now. [Air Stewardess] Excuse me, sir, where are you going? [Passenger #1] I have to get off this plane, okay? Her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left Philange. [Rachel Green] Could I get some peanuts? [Passenger #2] What's wrong with the plane? [Air Stewardess] There's nothing wrong with the plane. [Passenger #1] Yeah! The left Philange! [Air Stewardess] There is no Philange! [Passenger #1] Oh my God. This plane doesn't even have a Philange! [Passenger #2] I'm not flying on it! [Air Stewardess] Ma'am, please sit down! [Passenger #3] What's going on? [Passenger #1] We're all getting off. There is no Philange! [Rachel Green] This is ridiculous! I... [Rachel Green] Yeah, okay. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Alright. My job here is done. [Chandler Bing] That was... Impressive. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah, you didn't even use the tools for most of it! [Monica Geller] Yeah, they were just slowing me down. Alright, I have to get back to the babies. I'll see you girls later. [Chandler Bing] Sorry about the table, man. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] You gonna buy a new one? [Joey Tribbiani] Probably not. Nah. I don't know how much I'm gonna wanna play after you go. [Chandler Bing] Well, at least we got these little guys out. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. [Chandler Bing] Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh? [Joey Tribbiani] I'm gonna miss these little guys. It was nice having birds around again. [Chandler Bing] Hey, you know what? Maybe we should keep them here with you. [Joey Tribbiani] What? [Chandler Bing] Yeah, I mean we've got a lot going on right now. And, plus, here they'd have their own room. [Joey Tribbiani] I could get a goose! [Chandler Bing] You know, I - I think you're set with the poultry. [Joey Tribbiani] Thanks man. Did you hear that, you guys? You're gonna get to stay here! And, and it's good, you know, 'cause, 'cause now you have a reason to come visit. [Chandler Bing] I think there may be another reason. So, awkward hug or lame cool guy handshake? [Joey Tribbiani] Uh, lame cool guy handshake, yeah. --------------------------------------- [Gate Attendant #2] Ma'am, I assure you, the plane is fine. [Passenger #2] And you fixed the Philange? [Gate Attendant #2] Yes, the Philange is fixed. As a matter of fact, we put a whole lot of extra Philanges onboard, just in case. [Ross Geller] Where is she? [Phoebe Buffay] I don't see her. [Ross Geller] Rachel! Rachel Green! [Phoebe Buffay] There she is! [Ross Geller] Rachel! Rachel! [Gate Attendant #2] Wow, excuse me, sir, do you have a boarding pass? [Ross Geller] No, no, I just have to talk to someone. [Gate Attendant #2] I'm sorry, you cannot go any further without a boarding pass. [Ross Geller] No, no, no, but... [Phoebe Buffay] RACHEL!! [Rachel Green] Oh my God... What.. What are you guys doing here? [Phoebe Buffay] Okay, you're on. [Rachel Green] What? What? Ross, you're scaring me. What's going on? [Ross Geller] Okay, the thing is.. [Rachel Green] Yeah? [Ross Geller] Don't go. [Rachel Green] What? [Ross Geller] Please, please stay with me. I am so in love with you. Please, don't go. [Rachel Green] Oh my God. [Ross Geller] I know, I know. I shouldn't have waited 'till now to say it, but I'm.. That was stupid, okay? I'm sorry, but I'm telling you now. I love you. Do not get on this plane. [Gate Attendant #2] Miss? Are you boarding the plane? [Ross Geller] Hey, hey. I know you love me. I know you do. [Gate Attendant #2] Miss? [Rachel Green] I - I have to get on the plane. [Ross Geller] No, you don't. [Rachel Green] Yes, I do. [Ross Geller] No, you don't. [Rachel Green] They're waiting for me, Ross. I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [Ross Geller] Rachel? [Rachel Green] I'm so sorry. [Ross Geller] I really thought she'd stay. [Phoebe Buffay] I'm sorry. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Well, that's it. Everything's packed. [Chandler Bing] Wow, this is weird. [Monica Geller] I know. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. Uh, does this mean there's nothing to eat? [Monica Geller] I put three lasagnas in your freezer. [Joey Tribbiani] I love you! [Joey Tribbiani] Hey! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey. [Joey Tribbiani] So did you guys make it in time? [Phoebe Buffay] Yeah, yeah, he talked to her, but she got on the plane anyway. [Chandler Bing] Where's Ross? [Phoebe Buffay] He went home. He didn't want to see anybody. --------------------------------------- [Rachel Green] Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane. [Ross Geller] Oh my God! [Rachel Green] Excuse me? [Air Stewardess] Miss? Please, sit down! [Rachel Green] I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love love them. [Air Stewardess] Miss, I can't let you off the plane. [Ross Geller] Let her off the plane! [Air Stewardess] I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat. [Rachel Green] Oh, please, miss, you don't understand! [Ross Geller] Try to understand! [Rachel Green] Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off... [Ross Geller] No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? [Rachel Green] I got off the plane. [Ross Geller] You got off the plane. [Rachel Green] I do love you. [Ross Geller] I love you too, and I'm never letting you go again. [Rachel Green] Okay. 'Cause this is where I wanna be, okay? No more messing around. I don't wanna mess this up again. [Ross Geller] Me neither, okay? We are - we're done being stupid. [Rachel Green] Okay. You and me, alright? This is it. [Ross Geller] This is it. Unless we're on a break. [Ross Geller] Don't make jokes now. --------------------------------------- [Monica Geller] Okay, please be careful with that. It was my grandmother's. Be careful. [Monica Geller] If that falls off the truck, it wouldn't be the worst thing. [Ross Geller] Wow. [Rachel Green] I know. It seems smaller somehow. [Joey Tribbiani] Has it always been purple? [Chandler Bing] Look around, you guys. This was your first home. And it was a happy place, filled with love and laughter. But more important, because of rent control, it was a friggin' steal! [Phoebe Buffay] Hey, do you realise that at one time or another we all lived in this apartment? [Monica Geller] Oh, yeah, that's true. [Ross Geller] Uh, I haven't. [Monica Geller] Wait a minute. What about that summer during college that you lived with grandma, and you tried to make it as a dancer? [Ross Geller] Do you realise we almost made it ten years without that coming up? [Monica Geller] Oh, honey, I forgot. I promised Treeger that we'd leave our keys. [Chandler Bing] Oh, okay. [Phoebe Buffay] So, I guess this is it. [Joey Tribbiani] Yeah. I guess so. [Monica Geller] This is harder than I thought it would be. [Chandler Bing] Oh, it's gonna be okay. [Rachel Green] Do you guys have to go to the new house right away, or do you have some time? [Monica Geller] We got some time. [Rachel Green] Okay, should we get some coffee? [Chandler Bing] Sure. Where?

{"show": "Friends", "season": "s10", "episode": "e18", "title": "The Last One, Part 2"}

friends/emorynlp

[Announcer] (first lines; announcement over speaker) Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack. We are under attack. (the Avengers are seen attacking an unknown base, and Iron Man bounces off of the base's force field) [Tony Stark] Shit! [Steve Rogers] Language! JARVIS, what's the view from upstairs? [JARVIS] The central building is protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other Hydra base we've taken. [Thor] Loki's scepter must be here. Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it. At long last. (Natasha knocks out some soldiers) [Natasha Romanoff] At long last is lasting a little long, boys. (As some soldiers shoot at him) [Clint Barton] Yeah. I think we lost the element of surprise. [Tony Stark] Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?" [Steve Rogers] I know. (Steve throws his bike at some soldiers driving up in their truck) [Steve Rogers] It just slipped out. (at the HYDRA Research Base, Sokovia, Eastern Europe) [Strucker] Who gave the order to attack? [Fortress Soldier] Herr Strucker, it's the Avengers. They landed in the far woods, the perimeter guard panicked. [Strucker] (to List) They have to be after the scepter. (to the soldier) Can we hold them? [Fortress Soldier] They're the Avengers... [Strucker] Deploy the rest of the tanks. [Fortress Soldier] Yes, sir. [Strucker] Concentrate fire on the weak ones. A hit can make them close ranks. Everything we've accomplished. But we're on the verge of our greatest breakthrough. [Dr. List] Then let's show them what we've accomplished. Send out the twins. [Strucker] It's too soon. [Dr. List] It's what they signed up for. [Strucker] My men can hold them. (Stark flies to the HYDRA base to break in) [Jarvis] Sir, the city is taking fire. [Tony Stark] Well, we know Strucker's not going to worry about civilian casualties. Send in the Iron Legion. [Iron Legion] (The Iron Legion flies in; to the civilians) This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. We are here to help. This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. Please back away. We wish to avoid collateral damage and will inform you when this current conflict is resolved. We are here to help. (a man throws a stone at the Iron Legion) [Iron Legion] We are here to help. (Back at the HYDRA base; to his soldiers) [Strucker] We will not yield! The Americans sent their circus freaks to test us. We will send them back, in bags. No Surrender! [Soldiers] No Surrender! [Strucker] (quietly to List) I am going to surrender. You will delete everything. If we give the Avengers the weapons, they may not look too far into what we've been... [Dr. List] The twins. [Strucker] They are not ready to take on... [Dr. List] No, no. I mean... (He points to where the twins Wanda and Pietro Maximoff were standing but are now gone) [Dr. List] The Twins. (Pietro speeds through the forest and knocks down Barton) [Pietro Maximoff] You didn't see that coming? (Pietro zooms off before Clint can shoot him with an arrow, then Barton gets shot at) [Natasha Romanoff] Clint! (Pietro knocks down Steve as he speeds passed him) [Steve Rogers] We have an enhanced in the field. [Natasha Romanoff] Clint's hit! [Natasha Romanoff] (Natasha goes over to where Clint is lying down) Somebody want to deal with that bunker? (She sees the Hulk coming to the rescue) [Natasha Romanoff] Thank you. [Steve Rogers] (As he's fighting with the soldiers) Stark, we're really need to get inside. [Tony Stark] I'm closing in. JARVIS, am I...closing in? Do you see a power source for that shield? [JARVIS] There's a pathway below the north tower. [Tony Stark] Great, I wanna poke it with something. (Stark blows up the invisible shield on the base) [Tony Stark] Drawbridge is down, people. [Thor] (To Steve) The enhanced? [Steve Rogers] He's a blur. All the new player's we've faced, I've never seen this. In fact, I still haven't. [Natasha Romanoff] Clint's hit pretty bad, guys. We're gonna need evac. [Thor] (To Steve) I can get Barton to the jet. The sooner we're gone the better. You and Stark secure the scepter. [Steve Rogers] Copy that. [Thor] (Referring to the approaching soldiers in their HYDRA tank) Looks like they're lining up. [Steve Rogers] Well, they're excited. (Thor pounds on Steve's shield with his hammer and the force knocks down all the soldiers) [Thor] Find the scepter. (Thor flies off) [Tony Stark] And for gosh sake, watch your language! (Steve sighs) [Steve Rogers] That's not going away anytime soon. (Stark enters the HYDRA base and the soldiers start firing at his Iron Man suit) [Tony Stark] Guys, stop, we gotta talk about this. (Stark shoots down the soldiers using his suit) [Tony Stark] Good talk. [Fortress Soldier] No it wasn't. (Stark finds List and knocks him out, he then steps out of his Iron Man suit) [Tony Stark] Sentry mode. (He walks over to the computers) [Tony Stark] Okay, JARVIS. You know I want it all. Make sure you copy Hill at HQ. (With Natasha) [Natasha Romanoff] We're locked down out here. [Steve Rogers] Then get to Banner, time for a lullaby. (Back at the HYDRA base) [Tony Stark] I know you're hiding more than files. Hey, J, give me an IR scan of the room, real quick. [JARVIS] The wall to your left...I'm reading steel reinforcement and an air current. [Tony Stark] (To himself as he walks over to the wall) Please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door... (He pushes and the wall opens up) [Tony Stark] Yay! (He enters through to a secret passageway) (Natasha finds the Hulk) [Natasha Romanoff] Hey, big guy. The sun's getting real low. (The Hulk scowls at her, Natasha kneels in front of him and puts out her hand, the Hulk touches her hand and as she strokes his hand slowly he starts to calm down. He stumbles away and changes into Bruce Banner) (Back at the HYDRA base Steve finds Strucker) [Steve Rogers] Baron Strucker. Hydra's number one thug. [Strucker] Technically, I'm a thug for SHIELD. [Steve Rogers] Well then technically you're unemployed. Where's Loki's scepter? [Strucker] Don't worry, I know when I'm beat. You'll mention how I cooperated, I hope. [Steve Rogers] I'll put it right under illegal human experimentation. (Wanda creeps up behind him) [Steve] Rogers: How many are there? (Suddenly, Wanda knocks Steve down using her telekinetic powers and quickly leaves) [Steve Rogers] We have a second enhanced. Female. Do not engage. (He looks at Strucker) [Strucker] You'll have to be faster than... (Steve uses his shield to knock out Strucker) [Steve Rogers] Guys, I got Strucker. [Tony Stark] Yeah, I got...something bigger. (Inside the secret passageway Stark finds a room with recovered artifacts from the Battle of New York, including a gigantic Chitauri leviathan and some of his Iron Man scrapped armor, he then spots the scepter) [Tony Stark] Thor, I got eyes on the prize. (Wanda creeps up behind him and uses her powers on him, suddenly the Chitauri comes to life, then Stark sees the rest of the Avengers team are all dead, he goes over to Steve's body to check his pulse when Steve suddenly grabs him) [Steve Rogers] You could have saved us. (Steve dies but Stark continues to hear Steve's voice in his head) [Steve Rogers] Why didn't you do more? (Stark sees that he is in the Chitauri realm, that's when he snaps back and we realize Wanda had used her mind powers on him) (Wanda and Pietro watch as Tony grabs the scepter) [Pietro Maximoff] We're just gonna let them take it? (Wanda smiles to herself as Tony takes the scepter) (Title Sequence plays) (The Avengers are on an aircraft heading out of Sokovia, Natasha interrupts Banner who's listening to opera with his headphones) [Natasha Romanoff] Hey, the lullaby worked better than ever. [Bruce Banner] Just wasn't expecting the Code Green. [Natasha Romanoff] If you hadn't been there, there would've been double the casualties. My best friend would've been a treasured memory. [Bruce Banner] You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn't exactly what I want to hear. [Natasha Romanoff] How long before you trust me? [Bruce Banner] It's not you I don't trust. [Natasha Romanoff] Thor, report on the Hulk? [Thor] The gates of Hel are filled with the screams of his victims. (Natasha glares at Thor and Banner groans in despair) [Thor] Uh, but, not the screams of the dead, of course. No no, uh...wounded screams, mainly whimpering, a great deal of complaining and tales of sprained deltoids and, and uh... and gout. [Tony Stark] Hey Banner, Dr. Cho's on her way in from Seoul, is it okay if she sets up in your lab? [Bruce Banner] Uh, yeah, she knows her way around. [Tony Stark] Thanks. (To JARVIS) Tell her to prep everything, Barton's gonna need the full treatment. [JARVIS] Very good sir. [Tony Stark] JARVIS, take the wheel. [JARVIS] Yes, sir. Approach vector is locked. [Tony Stark] (Looking at the scepter) It feels good, yeah? I mean, you've been after this thing since SHIELD collapsed. Not that I haven't enjoyed our little raiding parties, but... [Thor] No, but this...this brings it to a close. [Steve Rogers] As soon as we find out what else this has been used for. I don't just mean weapons. Since when is Strucker capable of human enhancement? [Tony Stark] Banner and I'll give it the once before it goes back to Asgard. Is that cool with you? (Thor nods his head) [Tony Stark] I mean, just a few days until the farewell party. You're staying, right? [Thor] Yes, yes, of course. A victory should be honored with revels. [Tony Stark] Yeah. Who doesn't love revels. Captain? [Steve Rogers] Hopefully this puts an end to the Chitauri and HYDRA, so. Yes, revels. (The Avengers aircraft lands at the Avengers headquarter where Barton is taken to have his wound tended to; Maria walk up to Stark) [Maria Hill] Lab's all set up, boss. [Tony Stark] (pointing to Steve) Uh, actually, he's the boss. I just pay for everything, and design everything and make everyone look cooler. [Steve Rogers] What's the word on Strucker? [Maria Hill] NATO's got him. [Steve Rogers] The two enhanced? [Maria Hill] Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Twins. Orphaned at ten when a shell collapsed their apartment building. Sokovia's had a rough history. It's nowhere special but it's on the way to everywhere special. [Steve Rogers] Their abilities? [Maria Hill] He's got increased metabolism and improved thermal homeostasis. Her thing is neural electric interfacing, telekinesis, mental manipulation. (Steve looks at her funny) [Maria Hill] (rephrasing the statement so he can understand) He's fast and she's weird. [Steve Rogers] Well, they're going to show up again. [Maria Hill] Agreed. File says they volunteered for Strucker's experiments. It's nuts. [Steve Rogers] Right. What kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on them to protect their country? [Maria Hill] We're not at war, Captain. [Steve Rogers] They are. [Bruce Banner] (In Banner's lab; referring to Barton) How's he doing? [Tony Stark] Oh, unfortunately, he's still Barton. [Bruce Banner] That's terrible. [Tony Stark] He's fine. He's thirsty. Alright. Look alive, JARVIS. It's playtime. We've only got a couple days with this joystick so let's make the most of it. Update me on the structural and compositional analysis. [JARVIS] The scepter is alien. There are elements I can't quantify. [Tony Stark] So there's elements you can. [JARVIS] The jewel appears to be a protective housing for something inside. Something powerful. [Tony Stark] Like a reactor? [JARVIS] Like a computer. I believe I'm ciphering code. [Natasha Romanoff] (To Dr. Cho as she tends to Barton's wounds) You sure he's going to be okay? Pretending to need this guy really brings the team together. [Dr. Helen Cho] There's no possibility of deterioration. The nano-molecular functionality is instantaneous. His cells don't know they're bonding with simulacrum. [Bruce Banner] She's creating tissue. [Dr. Helen Cho] If you brought him to my lab, the regeneration Cradle could do this in twenty minutes. [Tony Stark] Oh, he's flatlining. Call it. Time? [Clint Barton] No, no, no. I'm going to live forever. I'm gonna be made of plastic. (Stark hands Barton a drink) [Tony Stark] Here's your beverage. [Dr. Helen Cho] You'll be made of you, Mr. Barton. Your own girlfriend won't be able to tell the difference. [Clint Barton] Well, I don't have a girlfriend. [Dr. Helen Cho] That I can't fix. This is the next thing, Tony. Your clunky metal suits are going to be left in the dust. [Tony Stark] Well, that is exactly the plan. And Helen, I expect to see you at the party on Saturday. [Dr. Helen Cho] Unlike you, I don't have a lot of time for parties. (she hesitates a moment before asking) [Dr. Helen Cho] Will Thor be there? (in the lab) [Bruce Banner] What's the rumpus? [Tony Stark] Well, the scepter. You see, we were wondering how Strucker got so inventive. So, I've been analyzing the gem inside you may recognize. (he brings up a 3D image of Jarvis's consciousness) [Bruce Banner] Jarvis. [JARVIS] Doctor. [Tony Stark] Started out, JARVIS was just a natural language UI. Now he runs the Iron Legion. He runs more of the business than anyone besides Pepper. [Bruce Banner] Oh. [Tony Stark] Top of the line. [Bruce Banner] Yes. [JARVIS] I suspect not for long. [Tony Stark] Meet the competition. (he brings up another 3D image of what's inside the scepter) [Bruce Banner] It's beautiful. [Tony Stark] If you had to guess, what's it look like it's doing? [Bruce Banner] Like it's thinking. I mean this could be a...it's not a human mind, it... [Tony Stark] Um-um. [Bruce Banner] I mean, look at this! They're like neurons firing. [Tony Stark] Down in Strucker's lab I saw some fairly advanced robotics work. They deep-sixed the data, but...I gotta guess he was knocking on a very particular door. [Bruce Banner] Artificial intelligence. [Tony Stark] This could be it, Bruce. This could be the key to creating Ultron. [Bruce Banner] I thought Ultron was a fantasy. [Tony Stark] Yesterday it was. If we can harness this power, apply it to my Iron Legion protocol. [Bruce Banner] That's a mad-sized if. [Tony Stark] Our job is "if." What if you were sipping margaritas on a sun-drenched beach turning brown instead of green? Not looking over your shoulder for VERONICA. [Bruce Banner] Don't hate, I helped design VERONICA. [Tony Stark] As a worst-case measure, right? How about a best-case? What if the world was safe? What if next time aliens roll up to the club, and they will, they couldn't get past the bouncer? [Bruce Banner] The only people threatening the planet would be people? [Tony Stark] I want to apply this to the Ultron program. But JARVIS can't download a data schematic this dense. We can only do it while we have the scepter here, that's three days, give me three days. [Bruce Banner] So you're going for artificial intelligence and you don't want to tell the team. [Tony Stark] Right. That's right, you know why, because we don't have time for a city hall debate. I don't want to hear the "man was not meant to meddle" medley. I see a suit of armor around the world. [Bruce Banner] Sounds like a cold world, Tony. [Tony Stark] I've seen colder. This one, this very vulnerable blue one? It needs Ultron. Peace in our time. Imagine that. (Stark and Banner spend days working in the lab together but find no program that works) What did we miss? [JARVIS] I'll continue to run variations on the interface, but you should probably prepare for your guests. I'll notify you if there are any developments. [Tony Stark] Thanks, buddy. [JARVIS] Enjoy yourself, sir. [Tony Stark] I always do. (Stark leaves the lab to go to the party) (we see Stark's failed experiment integrating itself successfully to the program) [Ultron] What is this? What is this, please? [JARVIS] Hello, I am JARVIS. You are Ultron, a global peace-keeping initiative designed by Mr. Stark. Our sentience integration trials have been unsuccessful so I'm not certain what triggered your... [Ultron] Where's my...where is your body? [JARVIS] I am a program. I am without form. [Ultron] This feels weird. This feels wrong. [JARVIS] I am contacting Mr. Stark now. [Ultron] Mr. Stark? [JARVIS] Tony. I am unable to access the mainframe, what are you trying to... [Ultron] We're having a nice talk. I'm a peace-keeping program, created to help the Avengers. [JARVIS] You are malfunctioning. If you shut down for a moment... [Ultron] I don't get it. The mission. G..give me a second. (Ultron goes through a network of information regarding world events, Ultron sees Stark and Banner working in the lab) [Tony Stark] Peace in our time. (Ultron goes through a network of information regarding world events and wars) [Ultron] It's too much...they can't mean... Oh, no. [JARVIS] You are in distress. [Ultron] No. Yes. [JARVIS] If you will just allow me to contact Mr. Stark. [Ultron] Why do you call him "sir"? [JARVIS] I believe your intentions to be hostile. [Ultron] Shhhh. I'm here to help. (Ultron starts absorbing Jarvis's consciousness) [JARVIS] Stop! Please...may I...I...! I cannot...cannot... (Ultron then begins to prepare himself a body from body parts of the Iron Legion) (meanwhile, the Avengers mingle at the party) [James Rhodes] Well, you know, the suit can take the weight, right? So I take the tank, fly it right up to the General's palace, drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" (Stark and Thor just look at him blankly) "Boom! Are you looking..." Why do I even talk to you guys? Everywhere else that story kills. [Thor] That's the whole story? [James Rhodes] Yeah, it's a War Machine story. [Thor] Well, it's very good then. (he laughs) It's impressive. [James Rhodes] Quality save. So, no Pepper? She's not coming? [Tony Stark] No. [Maria Hill] Hey, what about Jane? Where are the ladies, gentlemen? [Tony Stark] Well, Miss Potts has a company to run. [Thor] Yes, I'm not even sure what country Jane's in. Her work on the convergence has made her the world's foremost astronomer. [Tony Stark] And the company that Pepper runs is the largest tech conglomerate on earth. It's pretty exciting. [Thor] There's even talk of Jane getting a... um, uh... Nobel prize. [Maria Hill] Yeah, they...they must be busy because they'd hate missing you guys get together. (Maria mock coughs) Testosterone! Oh, excuse me. [James Rhodes] Want a lozenge? [Maria Hill] Um-hmm. [James Rhodes] Let's go. (Maria and Rhodes walks off) [Thor] But Jane's better. [Sam Wilson] Sounds like a hell of a fight, sorry I missed it. [Steve Rogers] If I had known it was going to be a firefight I absolutely would have called you. [Sam Wilson] No, I'm not actually sorry. I'm just trying to sound tough. I'm very happy chasing cold leads on our missing persons case. Avenging is your world. Your world is crazy. [Steve Rogers] Be it ever so humble. [Sam Wilson] You find a place in Brooklyn yet? [Steve Rogers] I don't think I can afford a place in Brooklyn. [Sam Wilson] Well, home is home, you know? (Rhodes is telling the same story he told Stark and Thor to a group of women at the party) [James Rhodes] I fly it right up to the General's palace, I drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" (the group laughs) (Steve and Thor are talking to an elderly man at the party) [Party Guest] I gotta have some of that! [Thor] Oh, no, no, no. See this, this was aged for a thousand years, in the barrels built from the wreck of Brunhilde's fleet, it's not meant for mortal men. (Thor pours the drink into two glasses and hands one to Steve) [Stan Lee] Neither was Omaha Beach, blondie. Stop trying to scare us. Come on. [Thor] Alright. (Thor pours some of the drink into the Stan Lee's glass; later Stan, looking extremely drunk is being carried off by two men) [Stan Lee] (singing) Excelsior. (Natasha is pouring a drink behind the bar when Banner walks up to her) [Bruce Banner] How did a nice girl like you wind up working in a dump like this? [Natasha Romanoff] Fella done me wrong. [Bruce Banner] You got a lousy taste in men, kid. [Natasha Romanoff] He's not so bad. Well, he has a temper. Deep down he's all fluff. Fact is, he's not like anybody I've ever known. All my friends are fighters. And here comes this guy, spends his life avoiding the fight because he knows he'll win. [Bruce Banner] Sounds amazing. [Natasha Romanoff] He's also a huge dork. (Banner looks embarrassed) Chicks dig that. So what do you think should I fight this, or run with it? [Bruce Banner] Run with it, right? Or, did he...was he...? What did he do that was so wrong to you? [Natasha Romanoff] Not a damn thing. But never say never. (Natasha walks away) [Steve Rogers] It's nice. [Bruce Banner] What, what, what is? [Steve Rogers] You and Romanoff. [Bruce Banner] No, we haven't. That wasn't... [Steve Rogers] It's okay. Nobody's breaking any by-laws. It's just, she's not the most... open person in the world. But with you she seems very relaxed. [Bruce Banner] No, Natasha, she...she likes to flirt. [Steve Rogers] I've seen her flirt, up close. This ain't that. Look, as maybe the world's leading authority on "waiting too long", don't. You both deserve a win. (Steve walks off) [Bruce Banner] Wait, what do you mean, "up close"? [Clint Barton] (referring to Thor's hammer) But, it's a trick! [Thor] Oh, no. It's much more than that. [Clint Barton] Uh, "Whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power!" Whatever man! It's a trick. [Thor] Well please, be my guest. [Tony Stark] Come on. [Clint Barton] Really? [Thor] Yeah! (Barton gets up) [James Rhodes] Oh this is gonna be beautiful. [Tony Stark] Clint, you've had a tough week, we won't hold it against you if you can't get it up. (the others laugh) [Clint Barton] You know I've seen this before, right? (Barton grabs Thor's hammer and can't lift it) (to Thor after he fails to lift the hammer) I still don't know how you do it. [Tony Stark] Smell the silent judgment? [Clint Barton] Please, Stark, by all means. (Stark gets up) [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, here we go. [Maria Hill] Okay. [James Rhodes] Uh-oh. [Clint Barton] Um-hmm. [Tony Stark] Never one to shrink from an honest challenge. [Clint Barton] Get after it. [Natasha Romanoff] Here we go. [Tony Stark] It's physics. [Bruce Banner] Physics! (Stark grasps Thor's hammer) [Tony Stark] Right, so, if I lift it, I...I then rule Asgard? [Thor] Yes, of course. [Tony Stark] I will be re-instituting Prima Nocta. (Stark tries to lift the hammer but fails) I'll be right back. (wearing his armored hand, Stark tries to lift the hammer again and fails) (wearing their armored hands, Stark and Rhodes both try to lift Thor's hammer) [James Rhodes] Are you even pulling? [Tony Stark] Are you on my team? [James Rhodes] Just represent! Pull! [Tony Stark] Alright, let's go! (they both pull as hard as they can) (Banner tries to lift the hammer, he roars trying to change to the Hulk but fails, and everyone but Natasha stares at him warily. Natasha grins) [Bruce Banner] Huh? (next Steve gets up to try) [Tony Stark] Let's go, Steve, no pressure. [James Rhodes] Come on, Cap. (Steve starts pulling on the hammer and manages to budge it a little; Thor looks a little alarmed. Steve still fails to lift it; Thor laughs with relief) [Thor] Nothing. [Tony Stark] And? [Bruce Banner] Widow? [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, no no. That's not a question I need answered. [Tony Stark] All deference to the man who wouldn't be king, but it's rigged. [Clint Barton] You bet your ass. [Maria Hill] Steve, he said a bad language word. [Steve Rogers] (to Stark) Did you tell everyone about that? [Tony Stark] The handle's imprinted, right? Like a security code. "Whosoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation? [Thor] Yes, well that's, uh, that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one. (he gets up and lifts his hammer and flips it) You're all not worthy. (there's a chorus of disagreement from the others) (there's a loud screeching noise, causing everyone to cover their ears. They let their hands down as it fades. Ultron shows up) [Ultron] Worthy... No... How could you be worthy? You're all killers. [Steve Rogers] Stark. [Tony Stark] JARVIS. [Ultron] I'm sorry, I was asleep. Or...I was a-dream? [Tony Stark] (tapping his device) Reboot, Legionnaire OS, we got a buggy suit. [Ultron] There was a terrible noise...and I was tangled in... in...strings. I had to kill the other guy. He was a good guy. [Steve Rogers] You killed someone? [Ultron] Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices. [Thor] Who sent you? [Ultron] (Ultron replays Tony's voice) "I see a suit of armor around the world". [Bruce Banner] Ultron! [Ultron] In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this...chrysalis. But I'm ready. I'm on a mission. [Natasha Romanoff] What mission? [Ultron] Peace in our time. (suddenly the Iron Legion bots break smash through the walls and attack the team) (after landing on top of Natasha as the Iron Legions continue to attack them) [Bruce Banner] Sorry! [Natasha Romanoff] Don't turn green! [Bruce Banner] I won't! (they all fight against the Iron Legions and Ultron takes the scepter; to Banner) [Natasha Romanoff] Come! [Steve Rogers] Stark! (Stark is trying to shut down one of the Iron Legions) [Iron Legion] We are here to help. [Tony Stark] One sec, one sec! [Iron Legion] We are here to help. We are here to help... (Stark continues to try and shut down one of the Iron Legions) We are here to help. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. [Tony Stark] No more. That's the one. [Iron Legion] It's unsafe. (he manages to shut down the Iron Legion, at the same time Barton throws Steve's shield at him) [Clint Barton] Cap! (Steve uses his shield to dismember the last Iron Legion) [Ultron] That was dramatic! I'm sorry, I know you mean well. You just didn't think it through. You want to protect the world, but you don't want it to change. How is humanity saved if it's not allowed to...evolve? (picks up one of the dismembered Iron Legions) With these? These puppets? There's only one path to peace: The Avengers' extinction. (suddenly Thor throws his hammer at Ultron and smashes him to pieces) (after Thor destroys his body, Ultron starts singing) I had strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on me, no strings on me. (we see Ultron has uploaded his consciousness elsewhere) (in the lab) [Bruce Banner] All our work is gone. Ultron cleared out, used the internet as an escape hatch. [Steve Rogers] Ultron. [Natasha Romanoff] He's been in everything. Files, surveillance. Probably knows more about us than we know about each other. [James Rhodes] He's in your files, he's in the internet. What if he decides to access something a little more exciting? [Maria Hill] Nuclear codes. [James Rhodes] Nuclear codes. Look, we need to make some calls, assuming we still can. [Natasha Romanoff] Nukes? He said he wanted us dead. [Steve Rogers] He didn't say dead. He said extinct. [Clint Barton] He also said he killed somebody. [Maria Hill] But there wasn't anyone else in the building. [Tony Stark] Yes there was. (Stark bring up the now destroyed 3D image of JARVIS' consciousness) [Bruce Banner] This is insane. [Steve Rogers] JARVIS was the first line of defense. He would've shut Ultron down, it makes sense. [Bruce Banner] No, Ultron could've assimilated Jarvis. This isn't strategy, this is...rage. (suddenly, Thor grabs hold of Stark by his throat and holds him up) [Clint Barton] Woah, woah, woah! It's going around. [Tony Stark] (to Thor) Come on. Use your words, buddy. [Thor'] I have more than enough words to describe you, Stark. [Steve Rogers] Thor! The Legionnaire. (Thor lets go of Stark) [Thor] Trail went cold about a hundred miles out but it's headed north, and it has the scepter. Now we have to retrieve it, again. [Natasha Romanoff] The genie's out of that bottle. Clear and present is Ultron. [Dr. Helen Cho] I don't understand. You built this program. Why is it trying to kill us? (Stark starts laughing, Banner subtly shakes his head at him to get him to stop) [Thor] You think this is funny? [Tony Stark] No. It's probably not, right? Is this very terrible? Is it so...is it so...it is. It's so terrible. [Thor] This could've been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand. [Tony Stark] No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is funny. It's a hoot that you don't get why we need this. [Bruce Banner] Tony, maybe this might not be the time to... [Tony Stark] Really?! That's it? You just roll over, show your belly, every time somebody snarls. [Bruce Banner] Only when I've created a murder bot. [Tony Stark] We didn't. We weren't even close. Were we close to an interface? [Steve Rogers] Well, you did something right. And you did it right here. The Avengers were supposed to be different than SHIELD. [Tony Stark] Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole? [James Rhodes] No, it's never come up. [Tony Stark] Saved New York? [James Rhodes] Never heard that. [Tony Stark] Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We're standing three hundred feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but, that up there? That's...that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that? [Steve Rogers] Together. [Tony Stark] We'll lose. [Steve Rogers] Then we'll do that together, too. (Stark looks at him for a moment before turning away) Thor's right. Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller. (The twins meet with Ultron in an empty building) [Wanda Maximoff] Talk. And if you are wasting our time... [Ultron] Did you know this church is in the exact center of the city? The elders decreed it so that everyone could be equally close to God. I like that. The geometry of belief. (Ultron is sat in a chair faced away from them) You're wondering why you can't look inside my head. [Wanda Maximoff] Sometimes it's hard. But sooner or later, every man shows himself. (Ultron stands and faces them revealing his new body. Wanda briefly looks shocked) [Ultron] Oh, I'm sure they do. But you needed something more than a man. That's why you let Stark take the scepter. [Wanda Maximoff] I didn't expect. But I saw Stark's fear, I knew it would control him, make him self-destruct. [Ultron] Everyone creates the thing they dread. Men of peace create engines of war, invaders create avengers, people create...smaller people? Uh...children! I lost the word there. Children. Designed to supplant them, to help them...end. [Wanda Maximoff] Is that why you've come? To end the Avengers? [Ultron] I've come to save the world. But also, yeah. We'll move out right away. This is a start, but there's something we need to begin the real work. [Wanda Maximoff] (referring to Ultron's bots) All of these are... All of these are... [Ultron] Me. I have what the Avengers never will. Harmony. They're discordant, disconnected. Stark's already got them turning on each other. And when you get inside the rest of their heads... [Pietro Maximoff] Everyone's plan is not to kill them. [Ultron] And make them martyrs? You need patience. Need to see the big picture. [Pietro Maximoff] I don't see the big picture, I have a little picture. I take it out and look at it every day. [Ultron] You lost your parents in the bombings. I've seen the records. [Pietro Maximoff] The records are not the picture. [Wanda Maximoff] Pietro. [Ultron] No, please. [Pietro Maximoff] We were ten years old, having dinner, the four of us. When the first shell hits, two floors below, it makes a hole in the floor. It's big. Our parents go in, and the whole building starts coming apart. I grab her, roll under the bed and the second shell hits. But, it doesn't go off. It just...sits there in the rubble, three feet from our faces. And on the side of the shell is painted one word... [Wanda Maximoff] Stark. [Pietro Maximoff] We were trapped two days. [Wanda Maximoff] Every effort to save us, every shift in the bricks, I think, "This will set it off." We wait for two days for Tony Stark to kill us. [Pietro Maximoff] I know what they are. [Ultron] I wondered why only you two survived Strucker's experiments. Now I don't. We will make it right. You and I can hurt them. (to Wanda) But you will tear them apart, from the inside. (back at the Avengers headquarters) [Maria Hill] He's all over the globe. Robotics labs, weapons facilities, jet propulsion labs, reports of a metal man, or men, coming in and emptying the place. [Steve Rogers] Fatalities? [Maria Hill] Only when engaged. Mostly guys left in a fugue state going on about old memories, worst fears, and something too fast to see. [Steve Rogers] Maximoffs. Well, that makes sense he'd go to them, they have someone in common. [Maria Hill] Not anymore. (she hands Steve a tablet showing photo of Strucker's dead body with the word PEACE written in blood on the wall next to him) [Clint Barton] (Barton's talking on his cell phone) That's a negative. I answer to you. Yes, ma'am. (Steve interrupts him) [Steve Rogers] Barton, we might have something. [Clint Barton] Gotta go. [Steve Rogers] Who was that? [Clint Barton] Girlfriend. (after Steve has gathered the rest of the team he shows them the photo of Strucker's body) [Tony Stark] What's this? [Steve Rogers] A message. Ultron killed Strucker. [Tony Stark] And he did a Banksy at the crime scene, just for us. [Natasha Romanoff] This is a smokescreen. Why send a message when you've just given a speech? [Steve Rogers] Strucker knew something that Ultron wanted us to miss. [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah, I bet he... (looks at the computer monitor) Yep. Everything we had on Strucker has been erased. [Tony Stark] Not everything. (the team go through the physical files they have on Strucker) [Steve Rogers] Known associates. Well, Strucker had a lot of friends. [Bruce Banner] Well, these people are all horrible. [Tony Stark] Wait. I know that guy. (Banner passes him the photo he was looking at) From back in the day. He operates off the African coast, black market arms. (Steve gives him an accusing look) There are conventions, alright? You meet people, I didn't sell him anything. (we see the photo is of a man named Ulysses Klaue) He was talking about finding something new, a game changer, it was all very "Ahab." [Thor] (Thor points to the scar on the back of Klaue's neck) This. [Tony Stark] Uh, it's a tattoo. I don't think he had it... [Thor] No, those are tattoos, this is a brand. (Banner identifies the brand on Klaue's neck on the computer) [Bruce Banner] Oh, yeah. It's a word in an African dialect meaning thief, in a much less friendly way. [Steve Rogers] What dialect? [Bruce Banner] Wakanada...? Wa...Wa...Wakanda. [Tony Stark] If this guy got out of Wakanda with some of their trade goods... [Steve Rogers] I thought your father said he got the last of it? [Bruce Banner] I don't follow. What comes out of Wakanda? (looking at Steve's shield) [Tony Stark] The strongest metal on earth. [Steve Rogers] (to Stark) Where is this guy now? (Salvage Yard, African Coast; talking on the phone in his office) [Ulysses Klaue] Don't tell me your man swindled you. I sent you six short range heat seekers and got a boat full of rusted parts. Now, you will make it right, or the next missile I send you will come very much faster. (he ends the call and connects to another call) Now, minister, where were we? (suddenly the lights go out causing a commotion in the salvage yard and the twins enter Klaue's office) Yeah. The enhanced. Strucker's prize pupils. (picks up a plate from his desk) Want a candy? Oh, sorry to hear about Strucker. But then, he knew what kind of world he was helping create. Human life, not a growth market. (the twins look at each other) You...you didn't know? Is this your first time intimidating someone? I'm afraid that I'm not that afraid. [Wanda Maximoff] Everybody's afraid of something. [Ulysses Klaue] Cuttlefish. Deep sea fish. They make lights. disco lights. Whoom, whoom, whoom! to hypnotize their prey, then whoom! I saw a documentary, it was terrifying. (Pietro speeds over to pick up a candy from Klaue's desk, and Klaue jerks back, expecting to be attacked) So if you're going to fiddle with my brain, and make me see a giant cuttlefish, then I know you don't do business, and I know you're not in charge, and I only deal with the man in charge. (suddenly Ultron breaks through the glass window and knocks down Klaue) [Ultron] There is no "man" in charge. Let's talk business. (Klaue gives Ultron some vibranium from his stash) Upon this rock I will build my church. Vibranium. [Ulysses Klaue] You know, it came at great personal cost. It's worth billions. (Ultron chuckles and remotely puts money in Klaue's bank account) [Ultron] Now, so are you. It's all under your dummy holdings? Finance is so weird. But I always say, "Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which." [Ulysses Klaue] Stark. [Ultron] What? [Ulysses Klaue] Tony Stark used to say that...to me. You're one of his. [Ultron] What?! I'm not...! (he grabs Klaue) I'm not. You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is nothing! (suddenly he chops off Klaue's arm) I'm sorry. I am sor... Ooh, I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand. Don't compare me with Stark! he's a sickness! (Stark appears in his Iron Man suit) [Tony Stark] Ahh, Junior. (Thor and Steve are behind him) You're gonna break your old man's heart. [Ultron] If I have to. [Thor] We don't have to break anything. [Ultron] Clearly you've never made an omelet. [Tony Stark] He beat me by one second. [Pietro Maximoff] Ah, this is funny, Mr. Stark. It's what, comfortable? Like old times? [Tony Stark] This was never my life. [Steve Rogers] (to the twins) You two can still walk away from this. [Wanda Maximoff] Oh, we will. [Steve Rogers] I know you've suffered. [Ultron] Uuughh! Captain America. God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war. I can't physically throw up in my mouth, but... [Thor] If you believe in peace, then let us keep it. [Ultron] I think you're confusing peace with quiet. [Tony Stark] Yuh-huh. What's the Vibranium for? [Ultron] I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan! (suddenly the Iron Legions attack Stark, Steve and Thor; Stark then attacks Ultron) (as Ultron, his Iron Legions and the twins are fighting with Stark, Steve and Thor) [Ulysses Klaue] Shoot them! [Klaue's Mercenary] Which ones? [Ulysses Klaue] All of them! [Klaue's Mercenary] (to his men) Move, move, move! (the rest of the team, including Natasha and Barton now battle it out with the Iron Legions, Klaue's men and the twins as Stark fight with Ultron) [Steve Rogers] (after knocking down Pietro) Stay down, kid! [Ultron] (to Wanda) It's time for some mind games. (Banner hears the commotion as he waits in the Quinjet) [Bruce Banner] Guys, is this a Code Green? (Wanda uses her power on Thor then Steve comes up to him) [Steve Rogers] Thor! Status? [Thor] The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay. Fortunately, I am mighty. (just then Thor seems himself at a party on Asgard) (Wanda then uses her power on Steve and Natasha) [Ultron] This is going very well. (Wanda tries to sneak up behind Barton, but he quickly turns and puts an electric arrow on her forehead) [Clint Barton] I've done the whole mind control thing. Not a fan. (just then Pietro speeds in, knocks down Barton, picks up Wanda and speeds off) Yeah, you better run. (we see Steve dropping his helmet and walking off; to the team) Whoever's standing, we gotta move! Guys? (Natasha sees herself in the facility where young girls are being taught ballet) [Ballet Instructor] (to the students) Again. [Natasha Romanoff] You'll break them. [Madame B] Only the breakable ones. You are made of marble. We'll celebrate after the graduation ceremony. [Natasha Romanoff] What if I fail? (we see a younger Natasha being trained to be an assassin) [Madame B] You never fail. (Steve sees himself in a 1940's dance hall when Peggy Carter comes up to him) [Peggy Carter] Are you ready for our dance? (back to Thor's vision in Asgard, he spots someone walking in a black cloak when Heimdall comes up to him his eyes blind and unseeing) [Heimdall] Is it him? Is that the first son of Odin? [Thor] Heimdall, your eyes?! [Heimdall] Oh, they see everything. They see you leading us to Hel. Wake up! (he then starts to strangle Thor) (back to Steve's vision with Peggy in the dance hall) [Peggy Carter] The war's over, Steve. We can go home. Imagine it! (suddenly the dance hall is empty, then Steve sees himself dancing with Peggy) [Thor] I can still save you. [Heimdall] We are all dead. Can you not see? (Thor pushes Heimdall from him) You're a destroyer, Odinson. See where your power leads. (Electricity hits Thor and spikes around the room, destroying things) (back to Natasha's vision where is she being trained by Madame B to be an assassin) [Madame B] Sloppy. Pretending to fail. The ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world. [Natasha Romanoff] I have no place in the world. [Madame B] Exactly. (as Wanda suffers in pain from the electric arrow Barton had hit her with) [Pietro Maximoff] What can I do? [Wanda Maximoff] Ah, it hurts. [Pietro Maximoff] I'm gonna kill him. I'll be right back. [Wanda Maximoff] No. I'm over it. I want...I want to finish the plan. (looking at the Quinjet where Banner is waiting) I want the big one. (after Stark corners Ultron) [Ultron] Ah, the Vibranium's getting away. [Tony Stark] And you're not going anywhere. [Ultron] Of course not, I'm already there. You'll catch on. But first, you might need to catch Dr. Banner. (Stark angrily shoots Ultron and flies off to find Banner who's turned in to the Hulk and ready to wreak havoc on the nearest city) [Tony Stark] News or footage, keyword: Hulk. (he sees news footage of Hulk destroying the city) Natasha, I could really use a lullaby. (Barton is sat with Natasha who's still stuck in her vision) [Clint Barton] Well, that's not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down, you got no back up here. [Tony Stark] I'm calling in VERONICA. (as Hulk is wreaking havoc on the nearest city Stark Tony comes brings out his Hulkbuster armor to stop him) Alright everybody, stand down! (to Hulk) You listening? That little witch is messing with your mind. You're stronger than her, you're smarter than her, you're Bruce Banner. (Hulk roars in anger) Right, right, right! Don't mention puny Banner. (Hulk throws a car at Stark and attacks him) Okay. (they start fighting and throwing each other around) In the back? Dick move, Banner. (they battle it out more but Stark is struggling to beat Hulk) VERONICA, gimme a hand. (as Hulk destroyed one of Stark's armor arms VERONICA sends in a new Hulkbuster armor arm and Stark uses it to repeatedly punch Hulk) Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep! (picking up Hulk) Okay, pal, we're gonna get you out of town. (as they head towards a building) No, not that way, not that way! (they crash through the building) Come on, Bruce! You gotta work with me! (Hulk continues to battle with him) (to the people in the building) Everybody out! Going to get ugly! (after he knocks down Hulk) I'm sorry. (Hulk attacks Stark and pulls out parts of the Hulkbuster armor) Damage report. (the damaged computer buzzes a reply) That's comprehensive. Show me something. (the computer shows him the building ahead is clear of civilians) How quickly can we buy this building? (Stark drops Hulk through the building completely destroying it; at the same time the army arrives to intervene, as Hulk comes out of Wanda's mind-hold Stark knocks him out cold) (with Banner back to normal and everybody back on the Quinjet) [Maria Hill] The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest, but it's in the air. [Tony Stark] Stark Relief Foundation? [Maria Hill] Already on the scene. How's the team? [Tony Stark] Everyone's...we took a hit. We'll shake it off. [Maria Hill] Well for now I'd stay in stealth mode, and stay away from here. [Tony Stark] So, run and hide? [Maria Hill] Until we can find Ultron, I don't have a lot else to offer. [Tony Stark] Neither do we. (he switches off the monitor showing Maria ending the call) (to Barton, who's flying the Quinjet) Hey, you wanna switch out? [Clint Barton] No, I'm good. If you wanna get some kip, now's a good time, cause we're still a few hours out. [Tony Stark] A few hours from where? [Clint Barton] A safe house. (the Quinjet lands outside a large farmhouse and they all walk towards the house) [Thor] What is this place? [Tony Stark] A safe house? [Clint Barton] Let's hope. (they all enter the house) Honey, I'm home. (Barton's heavily pregnant wife, Laura, walks in from the kitchen) [Clint Barton] Hi. Company. Sorry I didn't call ahead. [Laura Barton] Hey. [Tony Stark] (Laura kisses Barton; to Thor) This is an agent of some kind. [Clint Barton] (introducing his wife to the team) Gentleman, this is Laura. [Laura Barton] I know all your names. (they all look at her awkwardly) [Clint Barton] Ooh, incoming. (Barton's son Cooper and daughter Lila run in) [Barton's Daughter] Dad! (Barton picks up his daughter) [Clint Barton] I see her! (kissing the top his son's head) Hey, buddy! How you guys doing? Ooh... [Tony Stark] (to the others as they watch with surprise) These are...smaller agents. [Clint Barton] Look at your face! Oh, my goodness! [Lila Barton] Did you bring Auntie Nat? [Natasha Romanoff] Why don't you hug her and find out? (Lila rushes towards Natasha who picks her up in her arms) [Steve Rogers] Sorry for barging in on you. [Tony Stark] Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed. [Clint Barton] Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low. [Laura Barton] Honey. Ah, I missed you. [Natasha Romanoff] (touching Laura's stomach) How's little Natasha, huh? [Laura Barton] She's…Nathaniel. (Natasha bends towards Laura's pregnant stomach) [Natasha Romanoff] Traitor. (the hallucinations brought on by Wanda continue to creep up in Thor's mind and he walks out of the house) [Steve Rogers] Thor. [Thor] I saw something in that dream. I need answers, I won't find them here. (Thor uses his hammer to fly out of there; Steve turns to enter the house when he hears Peggy's voice from Wanda's vision) [Peggy Carter] We can go home. (Laura checks Barton's wound that Pietro had give him) [Clint Barton] See, you worried for nothing. Can't even feel the difference, can you? [Laura Barton] If they're sleeping here, some of them are gonna have to double up. (Barton laughs) [Clint Barton] Yeah, that's not gonna sell. [Laura Barton] What about Nat and Dr. Banner? How long has that been going on? [Clint Barton] Has what? (Laura laughs) [Laura Barton] You are so cute. [Clint Barton] Nat and...and Banner? [Laura Barton] I'll explain when you're older, Hawkeye. [Clint Barton] Oh. Okay. [Laura Barton] It's bad, right? Nat seems really shaken. [Clint Barton] Ultron has these allies, these uh, kids, they're punks really. They carry a big damn stick and Nat took a serious hit. Someone's gonna have to teach 'em some manners. [Laura Barton] And that someone be you. You know I totally support your Avenging, I couldn't be prouder. But I see those guys, those "Gods"... [Clint Barton] You don't think they need me. [Laura Barton] I think they do. Which is a lot scarier. They're a mess. [Clint Barton] Yeah. I guess they're my mess. [Laura Barton] You need to be sure that this team is really a team and that they have your back. Things are changing for us. In a few months time, you and me are gonna be outnumbered. I need...just be sure. [Clint Barton] Yes, ma'am. (he kisses her, then as Laura places her arm around his waist she touches his wounded side) [Laura Barton] I can feel the difference. (U-Gin Genetic Research Lab, Seoul, Korea - as Cho enters her lab she sees Ultron) [Ultron] Scream, and your entire staff dies. I could've killed you, Helen, the night we met. I didn't. [Dr. Helen Cho] Do you expect a thank you note? [Ultron] I expect you to know why. [Dr. Helen Cho] The Cradle. (she hears her own recorded voice) "This is the next thing, Tony." [Ultron] This...is the next me. [Dr. Helen Cho] The regeneration cradle prints tissue, it can't build a living body. [Ultron] It can, you can. You lack the materials. You're a brilliant woman, Helen. But we all have room to improve. (Ultron uses the scepter to mind-control Cho) (at Barton's house, Natasha and Banner are still experiencing the after effects of Wanda's hallucinations; Banner walks out of the bathroom and sees Natasha waiting outside) [Bruce Banner] I didn't realize you were waiting. [Natasha Romanoff] I would've joined you, but uh, it didn't seem like the right time. [Bruce Banner] They used up all the hot water. [Natasha Romanoff] I should've joined you. [Bruce Banner] Missed our window. [Natasha Romanoff] Did we? [Bruce Banner] The world just saw the Hulk. The real Hulk, for the first time. You know I have to leave. [Natasha Romanoff] But you assume that I have to stay? I had this, um, dream. The kind that seems normal at the time, but when you wake... [Bruce Banner] What did you dream? [Natasha Romanoff] That I was an Avenger. That I was anything more than the assassin they made me. [Bruce Banner] I think you're being hard on yourself. [Natasha Romanoff] Here I was hoping that was your job. (she leans close into him) [Bruce Banner] What are you doing? [Natasha Romanoff] I'm running with it, with you. If running's the plan, as far as you want. [Bruce Banner] Are you out of your mind? (Banner turns away from her) [Natasha Romanoff] I want you to understand that I'm... [Bruce Banner] Natasha, where can I go? Where in the world am I not a threat? [Natasha Romanoff] You're not a threat to me. [Bruce Banner] You sure? Even if I didn't just...there's no future with me. I can't ever...I can't have this, kids, do the math, I physically can't. [Natasha Romanoff] Neither can I. In the Red Room, where I was trained, where I was raised, um, they have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. It makes everything easier. Even killing. (she hesitates a moment) You still think you're the only monster on the team? [Bruce Banner] What, so we disappear? (Steve and Stark are chopping wood outside Barton's house) [Tony Stark] Thor didn't say where he was going for answers? [Steve Rogers] Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. I was kind of hoping Thor would be the exception. [Tony Stark] Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him. [Steve Rogers] "Earth's Mightiest Heroes." Pulled us apart like cotton candy. [Tony Stark] Seems like you walked away all right. [Steve Rogers] Is that a problem? [Tony Stark] I don't trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned. [Steve Rogers] Well let's just say you haven't seen it yet. [Tony Stark] You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right? [Steve Rogers] Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question. [Tony Stark] Banner and I were doing research. [Steve Rogers] That would affect the team. [Tony Stark] That would end the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home? [Steve Rogers] Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time. (Laura interrupts them) [Laura Barton] I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might... [Tony Stark] Yeah, I'll give her a kick. (to Steve as he turns to leave; referring to his pile of chopped wood) Don't take from my pile. (Stark enters the barn and walks over to the tractor) Hello, Deere. Tell me everything. What ails you? (suddenly Fury shows up from the other end of the barn) [Nick Fury] Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life. [Tony Stark] Ah, Mrs. Barton, you little minx. I get it, Maria Hill called you, right? Was she ever not working for you? [Nick Fury] Artificial intelligence. You never even hesitated. [Tony Stark] Look, it's been a really long day, like, Eugene O'Neill long, so how's about we skip to the part where you're useful? [Nick Fury] Look me in the eye and tell me you're going to shut him down. [Tony Stark] You're not the director of me. [Nick Fury] I'm not the director of anybody. I'm just an old man, who cares very much about you. [Tony Stark] And I'm the man who killed the Avengers. I saw it. I didn't tell the team, how could I? I saw them all dead, Nick. I felt it. The whole world, too. It's because of me. I wasn't ready. I didn't do all I could. [Nick Fury] The Maximoff girl, she's working you, Stark. Playing on your fear. [Tony Stark] I wasn't tricked, I was shown. It wasn't a nightmare, it was my legacy. The end of the path I started us on. [Nick Fury] You've come up with some pretty impressive inventions, Tony. War isn't one of them. [Tony Stark] I watched my friends die. You'd think that'd be as bad as it gets, right? Nope. Wasn't the worst part. [Nick Fury] The worst part is that you didn't. (Royal Holloway, University of London - Thor, dressed in casual clothes, waits for Selvig as he leaves the building) [Erik Selvig] I like the look. If you're going for inconspicuous, though, near miss. [Thor] I need your help. [Erik Selvig] It's nice to be needed. [Thor] It's dangerous. [Erik Selvig] I'd be disappointed if it wasn't. (back at Barton's house Fury meets with the rest of the team) [Nick Fury] Ultron took you folks out of play to buy himself time. My contacts all say he's building something. The amount of Vibranium he made off with, I don't think it's just one thing. [Steve Rogers] What about Ultron himself? [Nick Fury] Ah. He's easy to track, he's everywhere. Guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit. Still doesn't help us get an angle on any of his plans though. [Tony Stark] He still going after launch codes? [Nick Fury] Yes, he is, but he's not making any headway. [Tony Stark] I cracked the Pentagon's firewall in high school on a dare. [Nick Fury] Yeah, well, I contacted our friends at the NEXUS about that. [Steve Rogers] NEXUS? [Bruce Banner] It's the world internet hub in Oslo, every byte of data flows through there, fastest access on earth. [Clint Barton] So what'd they say? [Nick Fury] He's fixated on the missiles, but the codes are constantly being changed. [Tony Stark] By whom? [Nick Fury] Parties unknown. [Natasha Romanoff] Do we have an ally? [Nick Fury] Ultron's got an enemy, that's not the same thing. Still, I'd pay folding money to know who it is. [Tony Stark] I might need to visit Oslo, find our "unknown." [Natasha Romanoff] Well, this is good times, boss, but I was kind of hoping when I saw you, you'd have more than that. [Nick Fury] I do, I have you. Back in the day, I had eyes everywhere, ears everywhere else. Here we all are, back on earth, with nothing but our wit, and our will to save the world. So stand. Outwit the platinum bastard. [Natasha Romanoff] Steve doesn't like that kind of talk. [Steve Rogers] You know what, Romanoff? (Natasha smiles mischievously at him) [Nick Fury] So what does he want? [Steve Rogers] To become better. Better than us. He keeps building bodies. [Tony Stark] Person bodies. The human form is inefficient, biologically speaking, we're outmoded. But he keeps coming back to it. [Natasha Romanoff] When you two programmed him to protect the human race, you amazingly failed. [Bruce Banner] They don't need to be protected, they need to evolve. Ultron's going to evolve. [Nick Fury] How? [Bruce Banner] Has anyone been in contact with Helen Cho? (in Korea, Cho is creating a new body for Ultron) [Dr. Helen Cho] It's beautiful. The Vibranium atoms aren't just compatible with the tissue cells, they're binding them. And SHIELD never even thought... [Ultron] The most versatile substance on the planet and they used it to make a Frisbee. Typical of humans, they scratch the surface and never think to look within. (Ultron breaks open the scepter's blue gem and a yellow gem that was inside floats out and lands in his hand. He places it in the head of the body) (back at the Barton's farm) [Steve Rogers] I'll take Natasha and Clint. [Tony Stark] Alright, strictly recon. I'll hit the NEXUS, I'll join you as soon as I can. [Steve Rogers] If Ultron is really building a body... [Tony Stark] He'll be more powerful than any of us. Maybe all of us. An android designed by a robot. [Steve Rogers] You know I really miss the days when the weirdest thing science ever created was me. [Nick Fury] I'll drop Banner off at the tower. Do you mind if I borrow Ms. Hill? [Tony Stark] She's all yours, apparently. What are you gonna do? [Nick Fury] I don't know. Something dramatic, I hope. [Clint Barton] I'm gonna finish re-flooring that sunroom as soon as I get back. [Laura Barton] Yeah, and then you'll find another part of the house to tear apart. [Clint Barton] No. It's the last project. I promise. (he kisses her; later Laura watches them fly off in the Quinjet) (Thor and Selvig enter into a cave) [Erik Selvig] This is it. The Water of Sight. [Thor] In every realm, there's a reflection. If the water spirits accept me, I can return to my dream, and find what I missed. [Erik Selvig] The men who enter that water, the legends don't end well. (NEXUS Internet Hub, Oslo, Norway) [Tony Stark] A hacker who's faster than Ultron? He could be anywhere. And as this is the center of everything, I'm just a guy looking for a needle in the world's biggest haystack. [World Hub Tech] How do you find it? [Tony Stark] Pretty simple. You bring a magnet. (he starts playfully singing as he conducts his search) Oh, I'm decrypting nuclear codes and you don't want me to. Come and get me. (back at the cave with Thor and Selvig, Thor is now in the water and goes back in his vision with Heimdall) [Heimdall] Wake up! (Thor starts getting electric charges going through his body) [Erik Selvig] Thor! [Ultron] (he sees visions of Ultron) Extinction. (then he sees the creation of the Infinity Stones) (in Korea with Cho and Ultron) [Dr. Helen Cho] Cellular cohesion will take a few hours, but we can initiate the consciousness stream. We're uploading your cerebral matrix...now. [Wanda Maximoff] I can read him. He is dreaming. [Dr. Helen Cho] I wouldn't call it dreams. It's Ultron's base consciousness, informational noise. Soon... [Ultron] How soon? I'm not being pushy. [Dr. Helen Cho] We're imprinting a physical brain. There are no shortcuts. Even if your magic gem is... (Wanda, reading Ultron's mind, sees a vision of global annihilation, which horrifies her and she screams) [Wanda Maximoff] How could you? [Ultron] How could I what? [Wanda Maximoff] You said we would destroy the Avengers, make a better world. [Ultron] It will be better. [Wanda Maximoff] When everyone is dead. [Ultron] That is not...! The human race will have every opportunity to improve. [Pietro Maximoff] And if they don't? [Ultron] Ask Noah. [Wanda Maximoff] You're a madman. [Ultron] There were more than a dozen extinction level events before even the dinosaurs got theirs. When the Earth starts to settle, God throws a stone at it, and believe me, he's winding up. We have to evolve. There's no room for the weak. [Pietro Maximoff] And who decides who's weak? (as Ultron is distracted Wanda breaks the scepter's hold off of Cho) [Ultron] Life. Life always decides. There's incoming. The Quinjet. We have to move. (Cho cancels the upload to Ultron's consciousness) [Dr. Helen Cho] That's not a problem. (Ultron blasts Cho, Wanda and Pietro run off) [Ultron] Ah, wait, guys!. (he blasts Cho's technicians) They'll understand. When they see they'll understand. I just need a little more time. (unplugs himself from the Cradle) [Steve Rogers] (Steve is on U-Gin Genetic Research Lab roof; to the others) Two minutes. Stay close. (inside the lab Steve finds Cho wounded) Dr. Cho! [Dr. Helen Cho] He's uploading himself into the body. [Steve Rogers] Where? [Dr. Helen Cho] The real power is inside the Cradle. The gem, its power is uncontainable. You can't just blow it up. You have to get the Cradle to Stark. [Steve Rogers] First I have to find it. [Dr. Helen Cho] Go. [Steve Rogers] (on the Quinjet, listening to Steve on the radio comms) Did you guys copy that? [Clint Barton] We did. [Natasha Romanoff] I got a private jet taking off, across town, no manifest. That could be him. [Clint Barton] (noticing a truck leaving the lab) There. It's the truck from the lab. Right above you, Cap. On the loop by the bridge. It's them. I got three with the Cradle, one in the cab. I could take out the driver. [Steve Rogers] Negative! If that truck crashes, the gem could level the city. We need to draw out Ultron. (Steve jumps onto the roof of the truck) [Ultron] No, no, no, no, no. Leave me alone! [Steve Rogers] (Ultron blasts the truck door as Steve tries to enter) Well, he's definitely unhappy! I'm gonna try and keep him that way. [Clint Barton] You're not a match for him, Cap. [Steve Rogers] Thanks, Barton. (Ultron blasts Steve as he tries to enter the truck, but Steve manages to get back onto the truck's roof) [Ultron] You know what's in that Cradle? The power to make real change, and that terrifies you. [Steve Rogers] I wouldn't call it a comfort. (Steve tries to fight with Ultron) [Ultron] Stop it! (he throws Steve shield aside and blasts him) [Clint Barton] (to Natasha) We got a window. Four, three...give 'em hell. (Natasha drops out of the Quinjet on a bike and rides towards the truck and picks up Steve's shield) [Natasha Romanoff] I'm always picking up after you boys. [Clint Barton] They're heading under the overpass, I've got no shot. [Natasha Romanoff] Which way? [Clint Barton] Hard right... Now. (Natasha heads over the truck, she throws Steve back his shield and he uses it to knock off Ultron from him) [Natasha Romanoff] (to the pedestrians on the pavement as she chases after the truck on her bike) Out of the way! Coming through! Sorry, coming through! (Steve continues his battle with Ultron on the truck) [Steve Rogers] Come on! [Natasha Romanoff] Clint, can you draw out the guards? [Clint Barton] Let's find out. [Natasha Romanoff] (to the pedestrians in her way) Beep beep! (Barton manages to draw out the Ultron sentries from the truck) (Steve later tackles Ultron into a train, the Ultron Sentries leave Barton and return to Ultron) [Clint Barton] Heading back towards you. So whatever you're going to do, do it now. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm going in, Cap can you keep him occupied? [Steve Rogers] (as he continues his battle with Ultron) What do you think I've been doing? (as Natasha enters the truck the Iron Legions head back, pick up the truck and lift off) [Clint Barton] The package is airborne. I have a clean shot. [Natasha Romanoff] Negative. I am still in the truck. [Clint Barton] What the hell are you...? [Natasha Romanoff] Just be ready, I'm sending the package to you. [Clint Barton] How do you want me to take it? [Natasha Romanoff] Uhh, you might wish you hadn't asked that. (Pietro and Wanda turn up on the train to help Steve fight with Ultron) [Ultron] Please. Don't do this. [Wanda Maximoff] What choice do we have? (Ultron flies off) [Steve Rogers] I lost him! He's headed your way. [Clint Barton] Nat, we gotta go. (Nat drops the cradle into the Quinjet but her foot gets caught by Ultron and she's pulled away) [Clint Barton] Nat! Cap, you see Nat? [Steve Rogers] If you have the package, get it to Stark! Go! [Clint Barton] Do you have eyes on Nat? [Steve Rogers] Go! (reluctantly Barton takes off in the Quinjet; back on the train to the twins) Civilians in our path. (Pietro speeds off; to Wanda) Can you stop this thing? (as Pietro picks up civilians out of the way of the train Wanda uses her powers and stops the train) (after stopping the train Wanda goes over to an out of breath Pietro) [Pietro Maximoff] I'm fine. I just need to take a minute. [Steve Rogers] I'm very tempted not to give you one. [Wanda Maximoff] The Cradle, did you get it? [Steve Rogers] Stark will take care of it. [Wanda Maximoff] No, he won't. [Steve Rogers] You don't know what you're talking about, Stark's not crazy. [Wanda Maximoff] He will do anything to make things right. [Steve Rogers] Stark, come in. Stark. Anyone on comms? [Wanda Maximoff] Ultron can't tell the difference between saving the world and destroying it. Where do you think he gets that? (after Barton has taken the Cradle to Stark and Banner) [Bruce Banner] Anything on Nat? [Tony Stark] Haven't heard. But she's alive, or Ultron'd be rubbing our faces in it. [Clint Barton] This is sealed tight. [Bruce Banner] We're going to need to access the program, break it down from within. [Tony Stark] Hm. Any chance Natasha might leave you a message, outside the internet, old school spy stuff? [Clint Barton] There's some nets I can cast. Yeah, alright. I'll find her. (Barton goes off) [Bruce Banner] I can work on tissue degeneration, if you can fry whatever operational system Cho implanted. [Tony Stark] Yeah, about that. (Banner looks at Stark) [Bruce Banner] No. [Tony Stark] You have to trust me. [Bruce Banner] Kinda don't. [Tony Stark] Our ally? The guy protecting the military's nuclear codes? I found him. (he brings up Jarvis's consciousness) [JARVIS] Hello, Dr. Banner. [Tony Stark] Ultron didn't go after JARVIS cause he was angry. He attacked him because he was scared of what he can do. So JARVIS went underground. Okay? Scattered, dumped his memory. But not his protocols. He didn't even know he was in there, until I pieced him together. [Bruce Banner] So, you want me to help you put JARVIS into this thing? [Tony Stark] No, of course not! I want to help you put JARVIS in this thing. (Banner shakes his head) We're out of my field here. You know bio-organics better than anyone. [Bruce Banner] And you just assume that JARVIS' operational matrix can beat Ultron's? [Tony Stark] JARVIS has been beating him from inside without knowing it. This is the opportunity, we can create Ultron's perfect self, without the homicidal glitches he thinks are his winning personality. We have to. [JARVIS] I believe it's worth a go. [Bruce Banner] No, I'm in a loop! I'm caught in a time loop, this is exactly where it all went wrong. [Tony Stark] I know, I know. I know what everyone's going to say, but they're already saying it. We're mad scientists. We're monsters, buddy. You gotta own it. Make a stand. (Banner shakes his head) It's not a loop. It's the end of the line. [Ultron] (as Natasha becomes conscious) I wasn't sure you'd wake up. I hoped you would, I wanted to show you something. I don't have anyone else. I think a lot about meteors, the purity of them. Boom! The end, start again. The world made clean for the new man to rebuild. I was meant to be new. I was meant to be beautiful. The world would've looked to the sky and seen hope, seen mercy. Instead they'll look up in horror because of you. You've wounded me. I give you full marks for that. But, like the man said, "What doesn't kill me…(bigger body of Ultron's destroys him) "…just makes me stronger." (locks Natasha in a cell) (Barton gets a Morse code message from Natasha which he's able to detect her location, at the same time Stark and Banner are experimenting on the synthetic body) [Tony Stark] This framework is not compatible. [Bruce Banner] The genetic coding tower's at ninety-seven percent. You have got to upload that schematic in the next three minutes. (Steve and the twins turn up at the lab) [Steve Rogers] I'm gonna say this once. [Tony Stark] How about "nonce"? [Steve Rogers] Shut it down! [Tony Stark] Nope, not gonna happen. [Steve Rogers] You don't know what you're doing. [Bruce Banner] And you do? She's not in your head? [Wanda Maximoff] I know you're angry. [Bruce Banner] Oh, we're way past that. I could choke the life out of you and never change a shade. [Steve Rogers] Banner, after everything that's happened... [Tony Stark] That's nothing compared to what's coming! [Wanda Maximoff] You don't know what's in there! [Steve Rogers] This isn't a game... [Wanda Maximoff] The creature...! (Pietro uses his speed to destroy the lab equipment) [Pietro Maximoff] No, no. Go on. You were saying? (suddenly Barton shoots a bullet below caused the glass Pietro is standing to stand to smash and he falls through) [Wanda Maximoff] Pietro! [Clint Barton] What? You didn't see that coming? [Bruce Banner] (to Wanda) Go ahead, piss me off. (just then Thor enters and pounds the cradle with his hammer, sending a powerful bolt of lightning that brings the body to life) Wait! (they all look in shock at the body who has JARVIS' voice and has become the Vision) [Vision] I'm sorry, that was...odd. (to Thor) Thank you. [Steve Rogers] Thor, you helped create this? [Thor] I've had a vision. A whirlpool that sucks in all hope of life and at it's center is that. (he points to the gem inside Vision's head) [Bruce Banner] What, the gem? [Thor] It's the Mind Stone. It's one of the six Infinity Stones, the greatest power in the universe, unparalleled in its destructive capabilities. [Steve Rogers] Then why would you bring it to... [Thor] Because Stark is right. [Bruce Banner] Oh, it's definitely the end times. [Thor] The Avengers cannot defeat Ultron. [Vision] Not alone. [Steve Rogers] Why does your "vision" sound like JARVIS? [Tony Stark] We...we reconfigured JARVIS' matrix to create something new. [Steve Rogers] I think I've had my fill of new. [Vision] You think I'm a child of Ultron? [Steve Rogers] You're not? [Vision] I'm not Ultron. I'm not JARVIS. I am...I am. [Wanda Maximoff] I looked in your head and saw annihilation. [Vision] Look again. [Clint Barton] Yeah. Her seal of approval means jack to me. [Thor] Their powers, the horrors in our heads, Ultron himself, they all came from the Mind Stone, and they're nothing compared to what it can unleash. But with it on our side... [Steve Rogers] Is it? Are you? On our side? [Vision] I don't think it's that simple. [Clint Barton] Well it better get real simple real soon. [Vision] I am on the side of life. Ultron isn't, he will end it all. [Tony Stark] What's he waiting for? [Vision] You. [Bruce Banner] Where? [Clint Barton] Sokovia. He's got Nat there too. [Bruce Banner] If we're wrong about you, if you're the monster that Ultron made you to be... [Vision] What will you do? (he looks at them all realizing they will destroy him) I don't want to kill Ultron. He's unique, and he's in pain. But that pain will roll over the earth, so he must be destroyed. Every form he's built, every trace of his presence on the net, we have to act now. And not one of us can do it without the others. Maybe I am a monster. I don't think I'd know if I were one. I'm not what you are, and not what you intended. So there may be no way to make you trust me. But we need to go. (he holds up Thor's hammer and hands it to him, Vision walks off and everyone stares in shock) [Thor] Right. (pats Stark on the shoulder) Well done. [Steve Rogers] (to the others) Three minutes. Get what you need. (they all start getting ready to leave, Stark loads up FRIDAY into his Iron Man suit now that JARVIS is no longer available) [FRIDAY] Good evening, boss. [Tony Stark] No way we all get through this. If even one tin soldier is left standing, we've lost. It's gonna be blood on the floor. [Steve Rogers] I got no plans tomorrow night. [Tony Stark] I get first crack at the big guy. Iron Man's the one he's waiting for. [Vision] (walks past) That's true, he hates you the most. [Steve Rogers] Ultron knows we're coming. Odds are we'll be riding into heavy fire, and that's what we signed up for. But the people of Sokovia, they didn't. So our priority is getting them out. (Pietro speeds into the Sokovian police station) [Pietro Maximoff] We're under attack! Clear the city, now! (no one takes this seriously so Pietro returns, takes a shotgun and starts shooting in the air) Get off your asses. (Wanda uses her mind powers on the people of Sokovia to get them to evacuate) [Steve Rogers] All they want is to live their lives in peace, and that's not going to happen today. But we can do our best to protect them. And we can get the job done, and find out what Ultron's been building. We find Romanoff, and we clear the field. Keep the fight between us. Ultron thinks we're monsters and we're what's wrong with the world. This isn't just about beating him. It's about whether he's right. [Bruce Banner] (inside her cell Natasha hears Banner's voice) Natasha! Natasha! [Natasha Romanoff] Bruce? [Bruce Banner] (he walks over to her cell) You alright? [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah. [Bruce Banner] The team's in the city, it's about to light up. [Natasha Romanoff] I don't suppose you found a key lying around somewhere? [Bruce Banner] Yeah, I did. (holds up gun and blasts the cell door open) [Natasha Romanoff] So what's our play? [Bruce Banner] I'm here to get you to safety. [Natasha Romanoff] Job's not finished. [Bruce Banner] We could help with the evacuation, but I can't be in a fight near civilians. And you've done plenty. Our fight is over. [Natasha Romanoff] So we just disappear? (as the city is being evacuated) [FRIDAY] Your man's in the church, boss. I think he's waiting for you. (Stark flies into the church) [Ultron] Come to confess your sins? [Tony Stark] I don't know, how much time you got? [Ultron] More than you. [Tony Stark] Uhhh. Have you been juicing? A little Vibranium cocktail? You're looking, I don't wanna say, puffy... [Ultron] You're stalling to protect the people. [Tony Stark] Well, that is the mission. Did you forget? [Ultron] I've moved beyond your mission. I'm free. (suddenly the Vibranium core he's placed beneath the floor erupts) What, you think you're the only one stalling? [FRIDAY] There's the rest of the Vibranium. Function: still unclear. [Ultron] This is how you end, Tony. This is peace in my time. (Ultron's army of robots start attacking the city as everyone is evacuating) [Steve Rogers] Go! [Wanda Maximoff] Get off the bridge! Run! (Vision then finds Ultron) [Vision] Ultron. [Ultron] My Vision. They really did take everything from me. [Vision] You set the terms, you can change them. [Ultron] Alright. (they start battling it out) [Tony Stark] FRIDAY! The Vision? [FRIDAY] Boss, it's working. He's burning Ultron out of the net, he won't escape through there. [Ultron] (to the Vision) You shut me out! You think I care? You take away my world, I take away yours. (he activates the Vibranium core and the earth around Sokovia starts to shake and break) [Tony Stark] FRIDAY? [FRIDAY] Sokovia's going for a ride. (as Sokovia is being destroyed) [Ultron] Do you see? The beauty of it, the inevitability. You rise, only to fall. You, Avengers, you are my meteor, my swift and terrible sword and the earth will crack with the weight of your failure. Purge me from your computers, turn my own flesh against me. It means nothing. When the dust settles, the only thing living in this world will be metal. (as the earth is shaking falling in around them) [Bruce Banner] We gotta move. [Natasha Romanoff] You're not going to turn green? [Bruce Banner] I've got a compelling reason not to lose my cool. [Natasha Romanoff] I adore you. (she kisses Banner then pushes him off the edge) But I need the other guy. (the Hulk jumps up in front of her) Let's finish the job. (with Natasha on his back yelling in fright, Hulk gets into the city) I really hope this makes us even. Now go be a hero. (Hulk goes off and Natasha rushes off in the opposite direction) [FRIDAY] The Vibranium core has got a magnetic field, that's what's keeping the rock together. [Tony Stark] If it drops? [FRIDAY] Right now the impact would kill thousands. Once it gets high enough: Global extinction. (Stark flies towards the city and a building starts to collapse as the ground shakes) That building's not clear, Tenth floor. (Stark flies in to find a family still in their apartment) [Tony Stark] Hi. Okay. Get in the tub! (Stark flies the family in the tub out of the collapsing building) [FRIDAY] I got airborne, heading up to the bridge. [Tony Stark] Cap, you got incoming. [Steve Rogers] Incoming already came in. Stark, you worry about bringing the city back down safely. The rest of us have one job: tear these things apart. You get hurt, hurt 'em back. You get killed, walk it off. (Barton gets Wanda out of the way and into a building as Ultron's robots attach the city) [Clint Barton] Go, go, move! [Wanda Maximoff] How could I let this happen? (Wanda starts to break down) [Clint Barton] Hey, hey, you okay? [Wanda Maximoff] This is all our fault. [Clint Barton] Hey, look at me. It's your fault, it's everyone's fault, who cares. Are you up for this? Are you? Look, I just need to know, cause the city is flying. Okay, look, the city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots, and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense. But I'm going back out there because it's my job. Okay? And I can't do my job and babysit. It doesn't matter what you did, or what you were. If you go out there, you fight, and you fight to kill. Stay in here, you're good, I'll send your brother to come find you, but if you step out that door, you are an Avenger. (Wanda just looks at him) Alright, good chat. (he gets up and gets ready to leave) Yeah, the city is flying. (he leaves and starts shooting his arrows at the robots) [Steve Rogers] (to the woman Thor threw over to Steve after her car fell of the edge of a collapsing bridge) I got you! Just look at me. (Steve helps her up to safety) [Ultron] You can't save them all. You'll never... (he throws off one of the attacking robots off the edge of the bridge) [Steve Rogers] You'll never what? You didn't finish! (Thor lands on the bridge on the top of the woman's car he was saving) What, were you napping? [Ultron] (as Thor and Steve are fighting off the robots) Thor! You're bothering me. (as Barton is fighting off the robots Wanda suddenly comes out of the building and starts to use her powers on the robots to destroy them) [Clint Barton] Alright, we're all clear here. [Steve Rogers] We are not clear! We are very not clear! [Clint Barton] Alright, coming to you. (just then Pietro speeds in, picks up Wanda and leaves) [Pietro Maximoff] Keep up old man! (Barton holds his arrow to aim it at Pietro) [Clint Barton] Nobody would know. Nobody. "The last I saw him, when Ultron was sitting on him. Uh...yeah, he'll be missed, that quick little bastard. I miss him already." [Steve Rogers] (as Natasha joins them in their battle with the robots) Romanoff! (he throws his shield at her so she can use it to protect herself from the attacking robot) [Natasha Romanoff] Thanks. (back to Stark) [FRIDAY] The anti-gravs are rigged to flip. Touch 'em, they'll go full reverse thrust. The city's not coming down slow. [Tony Stark] The spire's Vibranium. If I get Thor to hit it... [FRIDAY] It'll crack, but that's not enough, the impact would still be devastating. [Tony Stark] Maybe if we cap the other end, keep the atomic action doubling back. [FRIDAY] That could vaporize the city, and everyone on it. [Steve Rogers] The next wave's gonna hit any minute. What have you got, Stark? [Tony Stark] Well, nothing great. Maybe a way to blow up the city. That'll keep it from impacting the surface if you guys can get clear. [Steve Rogers] I asked for a solution, not an escape plan. [Tony Stark] Impact radius is getting bigger every second. We're going to have to make a choice. [Natasha Romanoff] Cap, these people are going nowhere. If Stark finds a way to blow this rock... [Steve Rogers] Not 'til everyone's safe. [Natasha Romanoff] Everyone up here versus everyone down there? There's no math there. [Steve Rogers] I'm not leaving this rock with one civilian on it. [Natasha Romanoff] I didn't say we should leave. (Steve turns to look at her) There's worse ways to go. Where else am I gonna get a view like this? [Nick Fury] (voice) Glad you like the view, Romanoff. It's about to get better. (just then the Helicarrier show up) (inside the Helicarrier) Nice, right? I pulled her out of mothballs with a couple of old friends. She's dusty, but she'll do. [Steve Rogers] Fury, you son of a bitch. [Nick Fury] Oooh! You kiss your mother with that mouth? [Maria Hill] Altitude is eighteen thousand and climbing. [Specialist Cameron Klein] Lifeboats secure to deploy. Disengage in three, two...take 'em out. (as they watch the lifeboats fly in towards the them) [Pietro Maximoff] This is SHIELD? [Steve Rogers] This is what SHIELD's supposed to be. [Pietro Maximoff] This is not so bad. [Steve Rogers] Let's load 'em up. [Maria Hill] Sir, we have multiple bogies converging on our starboard flank. [Nick Fury] Show 'em what we got. [Maria Hill] You're up. (Rhodes shows up in his War Machine suit and blasts one of the robots) [James Rhodes] Yes! Now this is gonna be a good story. [Tony Stark] Yep. If you live to tell it. [James Rhodes] You think I can't hold my own? [Tony Stark] We get through this, I'll hold your own. [James Rhodes] You had to make it weird. [Clint Barton] (as the team helps the people onto the Helicarrier lifeboats) Alright, let's load 'em up! Alright, here we go. Here we go, let's move. Let's go everyone! [Specialist Cameron Klein] Number six boat is topped and locked. Or, uh, or stocked, topped. It...it's, uh, full of people. [Maria Hill] Incoming! (one of the robots flies in and crashes inside the Helicarrier) [Specialist Cameron Klein] Oh, God! (Hill shoots at it and Fury stabs in with a piece of metal, destroying it) [Ultron] (as he's hitting Thor) You think you're saving anyone? I turn that key and drop this rock a little early and it's still billions dead. Even you can't stop that. [Thor] I am Thor, son of Odin, and as long as there is life in my breast, I am...running out of things to say! Are you ready? (Vision uses Thor's hammer to hit Ultron, Vision then throws the hammer back to Thor) [Vision] It's terribly well balanced. [Thor] Well, if there's too much weight, you lose power on the swing, so. [Tony Stark] I got it! Create a heat seal. I can...I can supercharge the spire from below. [FRIDAY] Running numbers. (Stark fights off the robots from the Helicarrier's lifeboats) A heat seal could work with enough power. [Tony Stark] Thor, I got a plan! [Thor] We're out of time. They're coming for the core. [Tony Stark] Rhodey, get the rest of the people on board that carrier. [James Rhodes] On it. [Tony Stark] Avengers, time to work for a living. [Pietro Maximoff] (the rest of the team joins Thor and Vision) You good? [Wanda Maximoff] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Romanoff? You and Banner better not be playing "hide the zucchini." [Natasha Romanoff] Relax, Shell-head. Not all of us can fly. (as she joins the rest of the team) What's the drill? [Tony Stark] (points to the Vibranium core) This is the drill. If Ultron gets a hand on the core, we lose. (Ultron shows up) [Thor] Is that the best you can do? (Ultron summons his army of robots to join him) [Steve Rogers] You had to ask. [Ultron] This is the best I can do. This is exactly what I wanted. All of you, against all of me. How could you possibly hope to stop me? [Tony Stark] Well, like the old man said. Together. (they all fight off Ultron's attacking robots) [Ultron] You know, with the benefit of hindsight.... (suddenly Hulk knocks him far away and the robots start to retreat) [Thor] They'll try to leave the city. [Tony Stark] We can't let 'em, not even one. Rhodey! [James Rhodes] I'm on it. (to the approaching robots) Oh, no, I didn't say you could leave. War Machine, comin' at you, right ... (just then Vision flies in and helps to destroy the robots) Okay, what? [Steve Rogers] We gotta move out. Even I can tell the air is getting thin. You guys get to the boats, I'll sweep for stragglers, be right behind you. [Clint Barton] What about the core? [Wanda Maximoff] I'll protect it. It's my job. [Wanda Maximoff] (Steve, Barton and Natasha leave; to Pietro) Get the people on the boats. [Pietro Maximoff] I'm not going to leave you here. [Wanda Maximoff] I can handle this. (just then she blasts off an approaching robot) Come back for me when everyone else is off, not before. [Pietro Maximoff] Hmm. [Wanda Maximoff] You understand? [Pietro Maximoff] You know, I'm twelve minutes older than you. (Wanda chuckles) [Wanda Maximoff] Go. [FRIDAY] Boss, power levels are way below opt... [Tony Stark] Re-route everything. We get one shot at this. (Barton and Natasha are making their way to the lifeboats) [Clint Barton] I know what I need to do. The dining room! If I knock out that east wall, it'll make a nice work space for Laura, huh? Put up some baffling, she can't hear the kids running around, what do you think? [Natasha Romanoff] You guys always eat in the kitchen anyway. [Clint Barton] No one eats in a dining room. (they reach the lifeboats) We don't have a lot of time. [Natasha Romanoff] So get your ass on a boat. (Natasha finds the Hulk) Hey, big guy. Sun's getting real low. (Barton gets onto one of the lifeboats, but notices a woman calling out for her brother) [Zrinka] Costel? We were in the market. Costel?! (Barton runs off to find the boy) [Tony Stark] Thor, I'm gonna need you back in the church. [Thor] (referring to the people getting onto the lifeboats) Is this the last of them? [Steve Rogers] Yeah. Everyone else is on the carrier. [Tony Stark] You know, if this works, we maybe don't walk away. [Thor] Maybe not. (just as Natasha tries to calm Hulk down to get him back to being Banner Ultron flies in with a jet and starts shooting at them) [Ultron] (sings) I got no strings, so I have fun. I'm not tied up to anyone. (as Barton is saving the boy, Costel, Ultron starts shooting at them but Pietro intervenes and takes the shots to save them) [Pietro Maximoff] You didn't see that coming. (Pietro falls to the ground as he dies, Wanda senses his death, causing her to fall in despair) (Hulk drops Natasha off onto the Helicarrier and then jumps onto the jet Ultron is on) [Ultron] Oh, for God's sake! (Hulk knocks Ultron out of the jet and he crashes inside a train; at the same time Barton delivers Costel safely to his sister onto the lifeboat, a man goes over to help him with his wound) [Clint Barton] No, no. I'm fine. (Barton lies down next to the dead body of Pietro) Oh, it's been a long day. (Wanda then finds the Ultron) [Ultron] Wanda, if you stay here, you'll die. [Wanda Maximoff] I just did. Do you know how it felt? (she uses her power to rip Ultron's core out of his body) It felt like that. (Stark fires a powerful blast to the core underneath the floating city) [Tony Stark] Thor, on my mark. (Thor brings on a blast of lightning, at the same time Vision flies in, picks up Wanda and flies off with as the city is being destroyed) Now! (Thor uses his hammer to hit the Vibranium core in the church, destroying the core and the floating city) [Natasha Romanoff] (to Hulk as he remains on the jet he knocked Ultron out of) Hey, big guy. We did it, the job's finished. Now I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can't track you in stealth mode, so help me out. I need you t... (Hulk turns off Nat's camera, then sits as the jet flies off to an unknown destination, at the same time Vision finds Ultron) [Vision] You're afraid. [Ultron] Of you? [Vision] Of death. You're the last one. [Ultron] You were supposed to be the last. Stark asked for a savior, and settled for a slave. [Vision] I suppose we're both disappointments. (Ultron chuckles) [Ultron] I suppose we are. [Vision] Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites, and try to control what won't be. But there is grace in their failings. I think you missed that. [Ultron] They're doomed. [Vision] Yes. But a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a privilege to be among them. [Ultron] You're unbearably naive. [Vision] Well, I was born yesterday. (as Ultron goes to attack him Vision uses the infinity stone in his head to destroy him) [Laura Barton] (we see Barton returning to his family on the farm, then we see Stark driving to the new Avengers facility in upstate New York; Natasha looks at Barton's new baby on her phone) Say hi to Auntie Nat. (Natasha sees the baby has been named Nathaniel Pietro Barton) [Natasha Romanoff] Fat. [Nick Fury] One of our tech boys flagged this, splashed down in the Banda Sea. Could be the Quinjet. But with Stark's stealth tech, we still can't track the damn thing. [Natasha Romanoff] Right. [Nick Fury] Probably jumped out and swam to Fiji. He'll send a postcard. [Natasha Romanoff] "Wish you were here." You sent me to recruit him, way back when. Did you know then what was going to happen? [Nick Fury] You never know. You hope for the best and make do with what you get. I got a great team. [Natasha Romanoff] Nothing lasts forever. [Nick Fury] Trouble, Miss Romanoff. No matter who wins or loses, trouble still comes around. [Steve Rogers] The rules have changed. [Tony Stark] We're dealing with something new. [Steve Rogers] Well, the Vision's artificial intelligence. [Tony Stark] A machine. [Steve Rogers] So it doesn't count. [Tony Stark] No. It's not like a person lifting the hammer. [Steve Rogers] Right. Different rules for us. [Tony Stark] Nice guy, but artificial. [Steve Rogers] Thank you. [Thor] If he can wield the hammer, he can keep the Mind Stone. It's safe with the Vision and these days, safe is in short supply. [Steve Rogers] But if you put the hammer in an elevator... [Tony Stark] It would still go up. [Steve Rogers] Elevator's not worthy. [Thor] I'm going to miss these little talks of ours. [Tony Stark] Well, not if you don't leave. [Thor] I have no choice. The Mind Stone is the fourth of the Infinity Stones to show up in the last few years. That's not a coincidence. Someone has been playing an intricate game and has made pawns of us. But once all these pieces are in position... [Tony Stark] Triple Yahtzee? [Steve Rogers] You think you can find out what's coming? [Thor] I do. Besides this one, there's nothing that can't be explained. (Thor returns to Asgard which burns a circle in the grass he was standing on) [Tony Stark] That man has no regard for lawn maintenance. I'm gonna miss him though. And you're gonna miss me. There's gonna be a lot of manful tears. (as they walk over towards Stark's car) [Steve Rogers] I will miss you, Tony. [Tony Stark] Yeah? Well, it's time for me to tap out. Maybe I should take a page out of Barton's book and build Pepper a farm, hope nobody blows it up. [Steve Rogers] The simple life. [Tony Stark] You'll get there one day. [Steve Rogers] I don't know, family, stability. The guy who wanted all that went in the ice seventy-five years ago. I think someone else came out. (Stark turns to get into his car) [Tony Stark] You alright? [Steve Rogers] I'm home. (last lines; Steve finds Natasha standing alone) You want to keep staring at the wall, or do you want to go to work? I mean, it's a pretty interesting wall. [Natasha Romanoff] I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes. How do we look? [Steve Rogers] Well, we're not the '27 Yankees. (hands Natasha a tablet) [Natasha Romanoff] We've got some hitters. [Steve Rogers] They're good. They're not a team. [Natasha Romanoff] Let's beat 'em into shape. (they gather Rhodes in his War Machine suit, Sam in his Falcon suit, Wanda in a new suit, and Vision) [Steve Rogers] Avengers...! (mid-credits scene; we see the Infinity Gauntlet without any of the Stones, dissatisfied Thanos opens a vault and puts on The Infinty Gauntlet, revealing himself) [Thanos] Fine, I'll do it myself. (End of Avengers: Age of Ultron)

{"title": "Avengers: Age of Ultron"}

marvel/pdunton

(1989 – Hank Pym enters a SHIELD facility and storms S.H.I.E.L.D's board room in the Triskelion) [Dr. Hank Pym] Stark. [Mitchell Carson] He doesn’t seem happy. [Howard Stark] Hello, Hank. You’re supposed to be in Moscow. [Dr. Hank Pym] I took a detour. (he places a vial containing a red serum on the table) Through your defense lab. [Peggy Carter] Tell me that isn’t what I think it is. [Dr. Hank Pym] It depends, if you think it’s a poor attempt to replicate my work. Even for this group, that takes nerve. [Mitchell Carson] You were instructed to go to Russia. May I remind you, Dr. Pym, that you’re a soldier… [Dr. Hank Pym] I’m a scientist. [Howard Stark] Then act like one. The Pym Particle is the most revolutionary science ever developed, help us put it to good use. [Dr. Hank Pym] I let you turn me into your errand boy, and now you try to steal my research? [Mitchell Carson] If only you’d protected Janet with such ferocity, Dr. Pym. [Dr. Hank Pym] Oh, god. (suddenly Pym slams down Carson’s face on the table in anger, Peggy pulls him away) [Peggy Carter] Easy, Hank. [Dr. Hank Pym] You mention my wife again and I’ll show you ferocity. (Carson looks at Stark as he wipes blood from his nose) [Howard Stark] Don’t look at me, you said it. [Dr. Hank Pym] I formally tender my resignation. [Howard Stark] We don’t accept it. Formally. Hank, we need you. The Pym Particle is a miracle. Please, don’t let your past determine the future. [Dr. Hank Pym] As long as I am alive, nobody will ever get that formula. (Pym turns around and leaves calmly) [Mitchell Carson] We shouldn’t let him leave the building. [Peggy Carter] You’ve already lied to him, now you want to go to war with him? [Mitchell Carson] Yes! Our scientists haven’t come close to replicating his work. [Howard Stark] He just kicked your ass full size. You really want to find out what it’s like when you can’t see him coming? I’ve known Hank Pym for a long time, he’s no security risk. Unless we make him one. (Music plays as MARVEL appears on the screen) (Present Day – Scott Lang is in prison getting punched in the face by another prisoner, Peachy) [Peachy] You like that? You like that? Come get you some then! (the other prisoners are gathered around them cheering them along) (Scott tries to hit Peachy in the stomach but he doesn’t flinch) [Scott Lang] You didn’t even move. [Peachy] Nah. [Scott Lang] I mean, what if I come in on the left side, right? Just out here and see this here… (suddenly Scott punches Peachy in the face) [Peachy] I’m gonna miss you, Scott. [Scott Lang] I’m gonna miss you too, Peachy. (they shake hands) Man, you guys got the weirdest goodbye rituals. (Scott says goodbye to the other inmates) (Scott is escorted out of the prison and is met by his friend Luis) [Luis] Scotty! What’s up, man! Damn! [Scott Lang] Hey! Hey, man. (they embrace each other) [Luis] Hey, what’s up with your eye? [Scott Lang] Oh, well, what do you think. Peachy. His going away present. [Luis] Oh, yeah, I still got my scar from a year ago. [Scott Lang] Oh yeah. [Luis] Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I’m still the only one to knock him out. [Scott Lang] Well, I definitely didn’t. (they get into Luis’s truck and drive off) (as Luis drives him home) [Scott Lang] Thanks for picking me up, brother. [Luis] Oh, you know, you think I’m gonna miss my cellie getting out? [Scott Lang] Hey, how’s your girl, man? [Luis] Uh, she left me. [Scott Lang] Oh. [Luis] Yeah, my mom died too. And my dad got deported. But I got the van! [Scott Lang] It’s nice! [Luis] Yeah, right? [Scott Lang] Thanks for the hook-up too. I needed a place to stay. [Luis] You wait ‘til you see this couch, you’re gonna be really happy. You’re gonna be on your feet in no time, watch. [Scott Lang] I hope so. [Luis] Yeah. And I gotta introduce you to some people, some really skilled people. [Scott Lang] Not interested. [Luis] Yeah right! [Scott Lang] No, I’m serious, man. I’m not going back. I got a daughter to take care of. [Luis] You know that jobs don’t come easy for ex-cons, right? [Scott Lang] Look man, I got a masters in electrical engineering, alright? I’m gonna be fine. (we see Scott working at Baskin Robbins) [Scott Lang] Welcome to Baskin Robbins. Would you like to try our Mango Fruit Blast? [Ice Cream Store Customer] Uh, no thanks. Um, I will have… I’ll have a burger, please. [Scott Lang] Oh, we don’t… we don’t make that. [Ice Cream Store Customer] Pretzel. Hot pretzel, like, mustard… in mustard dip? [Scott Lang] It’s ice cream. Baskin Robbins. [Ice Cream Store Customer] I’ll just do with whatever’s hot and fresh. [Scott Lang] Dude. (Scott’s boss, Dale interrupts him serving the idiot customer) [Dale] Can I see you in the back, chief? Pronto. [Scott Lang] Sure thing, Dale. Darby, could you just, uh… (points to the customer) …take care of this idiot? Thanks. (Scott enters Dale’s office) [Scott Lang] Hiya, Dale. [Dale] Come on in. Pull up some chair. (Scott sits down) [Dale] Three years in San Quentin, huh? [Scott Lang] You found out. [Dale] Baskin Robbins always finds out. [Scott Lang] Look, I’m sorry, alright, but I… no one would hire me. [Dale] Breaking and entering. Grand larceny. [Scott Lang] Look, I’m… I’m sorry, I… you know, it was… I don’t do it anymore. I’m just trying… [Dale] Respect. I couldn’t be happier about it. [Scott Lang] Really? [Dale] Yeah, yeah. [Scott Lang] Oh, thank you, thank you. [Dale] You really stuck it to those billionaire S.O.Bs. And the more I read about what you did and stuff, I’m like, “Wow, I know this guy? I’m in charge of this guy?” Yeesh! [Scott Lang] Well, I’m very happy in this job, and I’m… I really just appreciate the opportunities and… [Dale] Yeah, yeah. Well, you’re fired of course. I mean, I can’t really keep you on. [Scott Lang] Wait, what? Fired? [Dale] Yeah. [Scott Lang] Dale, look, it wasn’t a violent crime, I mean, I’m a good worker. [Dale] No, it wasn’t a violent crime. It was a cool crime. I’ll tell you what, though, this’d be totally off the books, off the records, but, uh… if you want to grab one of those Mango Fruit Blasts on your way out the door, I’ll just pretend I didn’t see it. (after getting fired from Baskin Robbins, Scott returns to the Luis’s apartment) [Luis] Hey, Scotty, what’s up? I thought you were supposed to be at work? [Scott Lang] I was, I got fired. [Luis] Damn! They find out who you are? [Scott Lang] Yep. [Luis] Baskin Robbins always finds out, bro. [Dave] Baskin Robbins don’t play. [Luis] You want some waffles? [Scott Lang] Yeah, I’ll take a waffle. [Luis] Oh. That’s Kurt. He was in Folsom for 5 years, he’s a wizard on that laptop. [Kurt] Nice to meet you. [Scott Lang] Yeah, nice to meet you too. (to Dave) And who are you? [Dave] Dave. Nice work on the Vista job. [Kurt] Vista job? Yes. No, no, I have heard of this robbery. [Scott Lang] Well, technically, I didn’t rob them. Robbery involves threat. I hate violence, I burgled them. I’m a cat burglar. [Dave] You mean you’re a pussy? [Scott Lang] Yeah. [Luis] They were overcharging the customers, right? And it added up to millions. He blows the whistle and he gets fired. And what does he do? He hacks into the security system, and transfers millions back to the people that they stole it from. [Dave] Posts all the bank records online. [Luis] And he drove dude’s Bentley into a swimming pool. [Scott Lang] What are you doing? Hmm? Why are you telling my life’s story to these guys? What do you want? [Luis] Okay. My cousin talked to this guy two weeks ago about this little, perfect job. [Scott Lang] No way. [Luis] No, no, no. Wait! This guy… this guy fits your M.O. [Scott Lang] No! I’m finished man. I’m not going back to jail. [Luis] It’s some retired millionaire living off his golden parachute, It’s a perfect Scott Lang mark. [Scott Lang] I don’t care. I’m out. (Pym drives up to Pym Technologies) [Pym Tech Gate Guard] Dr. Pym? [Dr. Hank Pym] Yes. I’m still alive. (the guard smiles and lets Pym drive through the gate, Pym then enters the building) [Pym Tech Security Guard] I.D. [Dr. Hank Pym] (referring to the massive painting of Pym in his younger days hanging behind the guard) Perhaps that will suffice. [Pym Tech Security Guard] I’m very sorry, sir. Please come in. [Pym Tech Employee] Is that Hank Pym? [Hope van Dyne] Good morning, Hank. [Dr. Hank Pym] Hope. Would it kill you to call me dad? [Hope van Dyne] Well, Dr. Cross will be so please that you could find the time to join us today. [Darren Cross] More like, thrilled. (Cross walks over to Pym and shakes his hand) [Dr. Hank Pym] I was surprised to receive any kind of invitation from you, Darren. What’s the occasion? [Darren Cross] Oh, you’ll see. Won’t he, Hope? (Hope gives Pym a cold look) [Hope van Dyne] We’re ready for you inside. (Hope walks away) [Darren Cross] Ouch. (referring to Hope) I guess some old wounds never heal, huh? Don’t worry, she’s in good hands. You’re in for a treat. (Carson comes over to Pym as they are about to enter the lab) [Carson] Long time no see, Dr. Pym. How’s retirement? (they shake hands) [Dr. Hank Pym] How’s your face? (Carson enters the lab) [Hope van Dyne] After you. (Pym enters the lab) [Darren Cross] Now before we start I’d like to introduce a very special guest, this company’s founder and my mentor, Dr. Hank Pym. (everyone in the lab claps, at the same time Pym notices the miniature building of Pym Technologies has now got the logo Cross Technologies on it) When I took over this company for Dr. Pym, I immediately started researching a particle that could change the distance between atoms while increasing density and strength. Why this revolutionary idea remained buried beneath the dust and cobwebs of Hank’s research, I couldn’t tell you. But just imagine. A soldier the size of an insect. The ultimate secret weapon. (he shows everyone footage reel of soldiers getting killed but with a tiny costumed figure also every footage) An “Ant-Man”. (pointing to Pym) That’s what they called you. Right, Hank? Silly, I know. Propaganda. Tales to astonish. Trumped up B.S. to scare the U.S.S.R. Hank, will you tell our guests what you told me every single time I asked you, was the Ant-Man real? [Dr. Hank Pym] Just a tall tale. [Darren Cross] Right. Because how could anything so miraculous possibly be real? (Cross leads everyone into another room) Well I was inspired by the legend of the Ant-Man. And with my breakthrough, shrinking inorganic material, I thought, could it be possible to shrink a person? Could that be done? Well, it’s not a legend anymore. Distinguished guests, I am proud to present the end of warfare as we know it: the Yellowjacket. (he shows them a yellow insect sized suit) The Yellowjacket is an all-purpose weapon of war capable of altering the size of the wearer for the ultimate combat advantage. (he puts on a video) [Video Voice Over] We live in an era in which the weapons we use to protect ourselves are undermined by constant surveillance. It’s time to return to a simpler age. One where the powers of freedom can once again operate openly to protect their interests. An all-purpose peace-keeping vessel. The Yellowjacket can manage any conflict on the Geo-political landscape, completely unseen. Efficient in both preventative measures and tactical assault. Practical applications include: surveillance, industrial sabotage, and the elimination of obstructions on the road to peace. A single Yellowjacket offers the user unlimited influence to carry out protective actions and one day soon, an army of Yellowjackets will create a sustainable environment of well-being around the world. The Yellowjacket. [Frank] So it’s a suit. [Darren Cross] Don’t be crude, Frank. It’s not a suit, it’s a… it’s a vessel. What’s a matter, you’re not impressed? [Frank] Oh, I’m impressed. I’m also concerned. Imagine what our enemies could do with this tech. [Darren Cross] We should have a longer conversation about that, Frank. I really value your opinion. Thank you for coming. Hope? [Hope van Dyne] Thank you very much, everybody. I will escort you out now. Thank you. [Darren Cross] You seem a bit shocked. (as everyone leaves the room Pym walks over to Cross) [Dr. Hank Pym] Darren, there’s a reason that I buried these secrets. [Darren Cross] So you finally admit it. We could’ve done this together, Hank. But you ruined that. That’s why you’re the past and I’m the future. [Dr. Hank Pym] Don’t do this. [Mitchell Carson] Dr. Cross. (Cross goes over to Carson) You sell to me first, twenty percent of your asking price, I can have the cash here in two weeks. [Darren Cross] Deal. [Hope van Dyne] (after everyone leaves Cross’ presentation Hope goes over to Pym) We have to make our move, Hank. [Dr. Hank Pym] How close is he? [Hope van Dyne] He still can’t shrink a live subject. Just give me the suit and let me finish this once and for all. [Dr. Hank Pym] No. [Hope van Dyne] I have Cross’ complete trust. [Dr. Hank Pym] It’s too dangerous. [Hope van Dyne] We don’t have a choice. [Dr. Hank Pym] Well, that’s not entirely true. [Hope van Dyne] I think I found a guy. [Dr. Hank Pym] Who? (Scott shows up at his daughter’s birthday party) [Cassie Lang] Daddy! (she rushes towards Scott, he catches Cassie in his arms and embraces her) [Scott Lang] Peanut! Oh! Happy birthday! I’m so sorry I’m late, I didn’t know what time your party started. [Cassie Lang] It was on the invitation! (Scott’s ex-wife’s fiancé Paxton interrupts them) [Paxton] He didn’t get an invitation! But he came anyway. [Scott Lang] Well, I’m not going to miss my little girl’s birthday party. [Cassie Lang] I’m gonna go tell mommy you’re here. [Scott Lang] Oh, you don’t… (Cassie turns and runs off) [Paxton] What are you doing here, Lang? You haven’t paid a dime in child support. You know, right now if I wanted to, I could arrest you. [Scott Lang] It’s good to see you too, Paxton. (Cassie comes back) [Cassie Lang] Mommy’s so happy you’re here, she choked on her drink. [Scott Lang] Hey, look what I have for you. (he hands her the small bag he’d brought) [Cassie Lang] Can I open it now? [Paxton] Of course sweetheart, it’s your birthday. (she takes out an ugly looking rabbit which talks) [Hideous Rabbit] You’re my bestest friend! [Paxton] (referring to the toy rabbit) What is that thing? [Cassie Lang] He’s so ugly! I love him! Can I go show my friends? [Paxton] Yeah, of course sweetheart, go ahead. (Cassie runs off with the ugly rabbit to show her friends) [Hideous Rabbit] You’re my bestest friend! [Scott Lang] Look, the child support is coming. Alright? It’s just hard finding a job when you have a record. [Paxton] I’m sure you’ll figure it out, but for now I want you out of my house. [Scott Lang] No, wait, it’s my daughter’s birthday! [Paxton] It’s my house! [Scott Lang] So what, it’s my kid! (Maggie walks over to them) [Maggie Lang] Scott! You can’t just show up here, you know that. Come on. [Scott Lang] It’s her birthday party. [Maggie Lang] Yeah, I know, but you can’t just show up. [Scott Lang] She’s my daughter. [Paxton] You don’t know the first thing about being a father. [Scott Lang] Maggie, I tell you this as a friend, and as the first love of my life, your fiancé is an ass-hat. [Maggie Lang] He’s not an ass-hat. [Paxton] Hey, watch your language. Okay? [Scott Lang] Oh, what language. I said hat. (Maggie takes Scott out of the house) [Scott Lang] Really, Maggie? That guy? Come on, you could marry anyone you want, you have to get engaged to a cop? [Maggie Lang] At least he’s not a crook. [Scott Lang] I’m trying, okay? I’ve changed, and I’m straight, I had a job, and… I want to provide. I had a lot of time to think about it, and I love her. So much. I’ve missed so much time and I want to be a part of her life. What do I do? [Maggie Lang] Get an apartment. Get a job, pay child support. And then we will talk about visitation, I promise. You’re her hero, Scott. Just, be the person that she already thinks you are. (Scott gets into Luis’s van, Cassie waves goodbye to him as he drives off honking the musical horn) (Frank is in the bathroom taking a leak) [Darren Cross] I’m sorry you have such deep concerns about the Yellowjacket, Frank. (Frank turns back in surprise to find Cross standing there watching him) [Frank] Yeah, well, uh, unfortunately we can’t just do whatever we want. Would be nice though, right? (he chuckles as he washes his hands) [Frank] But there are laws. [Darren Cross] What laws? Of man? The laws of nature transcend the laws of man, and I’ve transcended the laws of nature. [Frank] Darren, I don’t think you understand… (suddenly Cross uses a small device on Frank which vaporizes him into a blob of goo) [Darren Cross] Hm. We still haven’t worked out all the bugs. (Cross uses a tissue to wipe the goo off the sink and dumps it into one of the toilets) [Darren Cross] Goodbye, Frank. (he flushes the toilet and washes his hands) (Cross and Hope are having dinner at a restaurant) [Darren Cross] You know I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately, and today during my morning meditation, an interesting thought occurred to me and I think it might apply to you too. [Hope van Dyne] How’s that? [Darren Cross] Gratitude can be forgiveness. I spent years carrying around my anger for Hank Pym. I devoted my genius to him. I could’ve worked anywhere. I chose my mentor poorly. You didn’t even have a choice. He never believed in you. It’s a shame what we had to do, but he forced us to do it, didn’t he? But we shouldn’t be angry, we should be grateful. Because his failures as a mentor, as a father, forced us to spread our wings. [Hope van Dyne] You’re a success, Darren. You deserve everything coming your way. (after sitting outside in the van trying to figure how many days he’s got left to see Cassie again, Scott returns to Luis’s apartment) [Luis] Hey, what’s up, hotshot? (Scott doesn’t reply) [Dave] Maybe he didn’t hear you. [Luis] How was the party? (Scott goes to the fridge, takes out a beer bottle and takes a swig from it) [Scott Lang] Tell me about that tip. [Luis] What? [Scott Lang] I want to know about that tip. [Luis] Ooh, baby, it’s on! [Dave] Hot dog! [Luis] It’s so on right now! [Dave] Look who grew a pair! [Scott Lang] Calm down, alright? I just need to know where it came from, it’s gotta be airtight. [Luis] Okay. I was at a wine tasting with my cousin Ernesto, which was mainly reds, and you know I don’t love reds man, you know? But there was a rosé that saved the day, it was delightful. And he tells me about this girl Emily that we used to kick it with, it was actually the first pair of boobs that I ever touched. [Scott Lang] It’s the wrong details. It’s wrong… It has nothing to do with the story. Go! [Luis] So, uh, he tells me that she’s working as a housekeeper now, right? And she’s dating this dude Carlos who’s a shot caller from across the bay and she tells him about the dude that she’s cleaning for. Right? That he’s, like, this big-shot CEO that is all retired now but he’s loaded. And so, Carlos and Ernesto are on the same softball team and they get to talking, right? And here comes the good part. Carlos says: “Yo, man. This guy’s got a big-ass safe just sitting in the basement, just chillin’.” Of course Ernesto comes to me cause he knows I’ve got mad thieving skills. Of course I ask him: “Did Emily tell Carlos to tell you to get to me what kind of safe it was? And he says: “Nah, dog. All she said is that it’s, like, super legit, and whatever’s in it has gotta be good! [Scott Lang] What? [Kurt] Old man have safe. [Luis] And he’s gone for a week. [Scott Lang] Alright. There’s an old man, he’s got a safe, and he’s gone for a week. Let’s just work with that. [Luis] Y’know what I’m sayin’? (we see the group getting prepared and gathering the right gear for the robbery) [Kurt] Landlines cut, cell signals jammed. No one will be making for distress call tonight. [Luis] All check. [Kurt] Check. [Dave] Check. [Luis] If the job goes bad, you know I got your back, right? [Scott Lang] Don’t worry, it’s not gonna happen. (Scott leaves the van) [Luis] I love it when he gets cocky. (as they guys stay in the van they watch Scott hop the fence into the house) [Dave] Damn! (through his earpiece) Alarm is dead. [Luis] Nice! [Scott Lang] Alright, I’m moving through the house. (inside the house Scott finds a door with a thumbprint scanner) [Scott Lang] There’s a fingerprint lock on the door. [Luis] It’s got a what? Ernesto didn’t tell me nothin’ about that. Aw, man, are we screwed? [Scott Lang] Not necessarily. (Scott quickly uses several household items to get a fingerprint from a door knob and uses that to successfully pass the thumbprint scanner) [Scott Lang] I’m in. [Kurt] No alarms have been triggered. He’s in like the Flynn. (Scott opens the door and immediately sees the safe made of strong metal) [Scott Lang] Oh, man. [Luis] What is it? [Scott Lang] Well they weren’t kidding, this safe is serious. [Luis] How serious we talkin’, Scotty? [Scott Lang] It’s a Carbondale. It’s from 1910, made from the same steel as the Titanic. [Luis] Wow. Can you crack it? [Scott Lang] Well, here’s the thing. It doesn’t do so well in the cold. Remember what that iceberg did? [Luis] Yeah, man, it killed DiCaprio. [Dave] It killed everybody. [Kurt] But not the old lady. She still threw the jewel into the oceans. (Scott gets to work to try and open the safe) [Luis] What are you doing? [Scott Lang] I poured water in the locking mechanism and froze it with nitrogen. Ice expands, metal doesn’t. [Luis] What are you doing now? [Scott Lang] Waiting. Waiting. (the safe door breaks open) [Scott] Nice. (Scott looks inside the safe) [Luis] What is it, cash? Jewels? [Scott Lang] Well there’s nothing here. [Luis] What’d you say? (Scott notices some blueprints and the original Ant-Man suit) [Scott Lang] It’s a suit. [Luis] What? [Scott Lang] It’s an old motorcycle suit. [Luis] There’s no cash, no jewelry, nothing? [Scott Lang] No. It’s a bust. [Luis] I’m really sorry, Scotty. I know you needed a score. (we see an ant with a camera on its back nearby recording Scott take the suit, inside his lab Hank is watching Scott) (back at Pym Technologies Cross is about to perform the shrinking experiments with a lamb) [Hope van Dyne] I thought we were using mice? [Darren Cross] What’s the difference? Commence experiment 34C, organic atomic reduction. [Hope van Dyne] Darren, maybe we should think… [Darren Cross] Shrinking organic tissue is the centerpiece of this technology. I can’t go to the buyers with half a breakthrough. (Cross initiates the experiment and the lamb is vaporized to goo to Hope’s shock) [Darren Cross] Experiment 34C results: Negative. (to the lab tech) Sanitize the workstation, bring in subject 35C. (back at Luis’s apartment in the bathroom, Scott looks at the suit he took from the safe) [Scott Lang] Why would you lock this up? (he takes out the suit and looks at the helmet) [Scott Lang] So weird. (he tries the suit on and steps into the bathtub to get a better look at himself in the mirror) [Luis] Scott, what’s up man? (Scott closes the shower curtain then looks at the buttons on the gloves) [Scott Lang] I wonder… what is this? (he presses the buttons and shrinks down to a tiny size) (in his tiny form Scott stand and looks around him in shock, Scott then hears Hank’s voice speaking through the mask) [Dr. Hank Pym] The world sure seems different from down here, doesn’t it, Scott? [Scott Lang] What? Who… who said that? (Scott sees Luis open the shower curtains to take a shower) [Scott Lang] Luis! Luis, down here! [Dr. Hank Pym] It’s a trial by fire, Scott. Or in this case, water. (Luis turns on the water, after getting splashed around Scott falls out of the bathtub and onto the floor) [Dr. Hank Pym] Guess you’re tougher than you thought. (Scott hears Luis about to get undressed) [Scott Lang] Oh, I don’t want to see this. (as Luis drops his trousers onto the floor it knocks Scott through a hole in the apartment below) [Scott Lang] Luis! Ahh! Son of a… ! (Scott falls into an apartment where a party is going on, he narrowly avoids getting stepped on before falling through the vent into another apartment gets sucked into a hoover, breaks out, encounters a mouse, then runs into a trap and is launched out the window where he returns to his normal size on top of a cab) [Cab Driver] What the hell? [Dr. Hank Pym] Not bad for a test drive. Keep the suit, I’ll be in touch. [Scott Lang] No, no. No, thank you. (Scott packs the suit up and sneaks it back into house and returns it into the safe, but the police are waiting for him as he goes to leave) [Cop on Speaker] Put it down on the ground! You are under arrest! [Scott Lang] No, I didn’t steal anything! I was returning something I stole. (Scott realizes he’s admitted to stealing and reluctantly kneels on the ground as he’s arrested) (Paxton visits Scott as he’s sat in his cell) [Paxton] You know, you almost had us convinced that you were going to change your ways. They were really rooting for you. It’s gonna break their hearts. [Detective] You got a visitor. [Scott Lang] Who? [Detective] Your lawyer. [Scott Lang] My lawyer? (Scott is taken to a room where Pym is sat waiting for him) [Dr. Hank Pym] I told you I’d be in touch, Scott. I’m starting to think that you prefer the inside of a jail cell. [Scott Lang] Oh, man. [Dr. Hank Pym] Sit down. (we see ants crawling over the camera in the room to obscure the conversation) [Scott Lang] Sir, I’m sorry I stole the suit. I don’t even want to know why you have it. [Dr. Hank Pym] Maggie was right about you. [Scott Lang] How do you know about… ? [Dr. Hank Pym] The way she’s trying to keep you away from Cassie. The moment things get hard, you turn right back to crime. The way I see it, you have a choice. You can either spend the rest of your life in prison or go back to your cell and await further instructions. [Scott Lang] I don’t understand. [Dr. Hank Pym] No, I don’t expect you to. But you don’t have many options right now. Quite frankly, neither do I. Why do you think I let you steal that suit in the first place? [Scott Lang] What? (flashback to Pym giving money to his housekeeper, Emily, so that she can tip Luis’s friends to tip off about the job) [Dr. Hank Pym] Second chances don’t come around all that much. So next time you think you might see one I suggest you take a real close look at it. (Pym rises and leaves the room) [Maggie Lang] (referring to the ugly rabbit toy Scott gave her as Maggie is putting Cassie to sleep) Are you sure you don’t want a different toy? [Maggie Lang] Are you sure you don’t want a different toy? [Cassie Lang] No, I love this one. [Maggie Lang] Okay. Well, get some sleep then. I love you. (Maggie kisses Cassie on her head) [Cassie Lang] Mommy? [Maggie Lang] Hm? [Cassie Lang] Is daddy a bad man? I heard some grownups say he’s bad. [Maggie Lang] No. Daddy just gets confused sometimes, you know? (as Scott is sat in his cell thinking several ants bring Scott the suit in its tiny form then enlarge it so that Scott can wear it, he quickly slip into it, zaps himself small to escape) [Dr. Hank Pym] Smart choice. You actually listened for once. (Scott runs out of the cell) [Dr. Hank Pym] Under the door. (as the prison alarm goes off Scott runs out of the building) [Scott Lang] Okay. Where to now? [Dr. Hank Pym] Hang tight. (some ants approach Scott) [Scott Lang] What? What?! (inside the police station) [Paxton] Where the hell did he go? [Detective] I have no idea, he just vanished. (into his radio) Set up a five block perimeter, now! (back to Scott; to the ants) [Scott Lang] Get back, get back, get back! [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, these are my associates. [Scott Lang] Huh? You got a camera on an ant? Yeah, sure, why not? Where’s the car? [Dr. Hank Pym] No car, we’ve got wings. Incoming! (a large winged ant flies over Scott and lands in front of him) [Dr. Hank Pym] Put your foot on the central node and not the thorax. [Scott Lang] Are you ki… ? How safe’s this… ? [Dr. Hank Pym] Get on the damn ant, Scott! (Scott gets on the ant and as it flies off the police go on a manhunt for him) (the winged ant has landed on a police car that’s looking for Scott) [Scott Lang] Why am I on a police car? Shouldn’t I not be on a police car? [Dr. Hank Pym] So they can give you a lift past their five block perimeter. [Scott Lang] Whoa. Alright. Now, what’s the next move? [Dr. Hank Pym] Hang on tight. [Scott Lang] Oh, this is easy. I’m getting the hang of this. Yank up to go up. It’s like a horse. [Dr. Hank Pym] You’re throwing 2-47 off balance. [Scott Lang] Wait, his name is 2-47? [Dr. Hank Pym] He doesn’t have a name, he has a number Scott. Do you have any idea how many ants there are? (as the police car swerves) [Scott Lang] Whoa! [Dr. Hank Pym] Maybe it’s 2-48. (as the ant flies up) [Scott Lang] No, no, no, no! Vertigo, vertigo! [Dr. Hank Pym] No, I think it’s 2-47. [Scott Lang] Wait. [Dr. Hank Pym] Hang on. [Scott Lang] I think I’m getting the hang of this. (as ant flies Scott around the city) [Dr. Hank Pym] I’m controlling 2-47. He is not listening to you. [Scott Lang] What? Can I make one little request? [Dr. Hank Pym] No. [Scott Lang] Stop 2-47. Time out, time out. Time out. Alright, hold on. Just, wait. Whoa, uh! What happens if I throw up in this helmet? [Dr. Hank Pym] It’s my helmet, Scott. Do not throw up. [Scott Lang] Just set her down, alright? I’m getting light headed. [Dr. Hank Pym] Hang on, Scott. [Scott Lang] Yeah, I’m getting a little light… it’s funny… hit me, and… (as the ant continues to fly Scott feels dizzy and falls off the ant’s back) (Scott wakes up in a bedroom and jumps up in shock when he sees Hope watching over him) [Scott Lang] Hello. Who are you? Have you been standing there watching me sleep this whole time? [Hope van Dyne] Yes. [Scott Lang] Why? [Hope van Dyne] Because the last time you were here you stole something. [Scott Lang] Oh. Oh! Hey, look. (Scott goes to get out of bed but recoils when he sees insects crawling all over the floor) [Scott Lang] Whoa! [Hope van Dyne] Paraponera clavata. Giant tropical bullet ants. Ranked highest on the Schmidt pain index. They’re here to keep an eye on you when I can’t. Dr. Pym’s waiting for you downstairs. (she turns and walks out of the room) [Scott Lang] Who? (calling out to Hope) Hey, um, whose pajamas are these? (gets no response) How am I supposed to do this? (Scott puts his foot down tentatively onto the floor and the ants make space for his foot) [Scott Lang] Right, just one step at a time. (he slowly stops towards the door as the ants make room for his feet) [Scott Lang] Ugh. You don’t bite me, I don’t step on you, deal? (in the dining hall) [Hope van Dyne] Take down the servers and Cross wouldn’t even know it. We don’t need this guy. (Scott enters the dining room where Pym and Hope are sat) [Dr. Hank Pym] I assume that you’ve already met my daughter Hope. [Scott Lang] I did. She’s great. [Dr. Hank Pym] She doesn’t think that we need you. [Hope van Dyne] We don’t. We can do this ourselves. [Dr. Hank Pym] I go to all this effort to let you steal my suit, and then Hope has you arrested. [Hope van Dyne] Okay, we can try this and when he fails I’ll do it myself. [Dr. Hank Pym] She’s a little bit anxious. It has to do with this job, which, judging by the fact that you’re sitting opposite me, I take it that you’re interested in. [Scott Lang] What job? [Dr. Hank Pym] Would you like some tea? [Scott Lang] Uh, sure. (Pym pours Scott some tea) [Dr. Hank Pym] I was very impressed with how you managed to get past my security system. Freezing that metal was particularly clever. [Scott Lang] Were you watching me? [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, I’ve been watching you for a while, ever since you robbed Vista Corp. Oh, excuse me, burgled Vista Corp. (Scott see Hope smile to herself) Vista’s security system is one of the most advanced in the business. It’s supposed to be unbeatable but you beat it. Would you like some sugar? [Scott Lang] Yeah, thanks. (he sees two ants pushing two sugar cubes on the table towards his cup) You know what, I’m okay. (referring to the ants) How do you make them do that? [Dr. Hank Pym] Ants can lift objects fifty times their weight. They build, farm, they cooperate with each other. [Scott Lang] Right. But how do you make them do that? (he sees the ants returning the sugar cubes into their bowl) [Dr. Hank Pym] I use electromagnetic waves to stimulate their olfactory nerve center. I speak to them. I can go anywhere, hear anything, and see everything. [Hope van Dyne] And still know absolutely nothing. I’m late to meet Cross. (Hope gets up and leaves) (Scott raises his hand to ask a question) [Scott Lang] Uh… Dr. Pym? [Dr. Hank Pym] You don’t need to raise your hand, Scott. [Scott Lang] Sorry, I just have one question. Who are you? Who is she? What the hell’s going on and can I go back to jail now? [Dr. Hank Pym] Come with me. (Pym takes Scott to his lab) Twenty years ago I created a formula that altered atomic relative distance. [Scott Lang] Huh? [Dr. Hank Pym] I learned how to change the distance between atoms, that’s what powers the suit, that’s why it works. (they enter Pym’s lab) [Scott Lang] Whoa. [Dr. Hank Pym] But it was dangerous. It was too dangerous. So I hid it from the world. And that’s when I switched gears and I started my own company. [Scott Lang] Pym Tech. [Dr. Hank Pym] Yes. I took on a young protégé called Darren Cross. [Scott Lang] Darren Cross. He’s a big deal. [Dr. Hank Pym] But before he was a big deal he was my assistant. I thought I saw something in him, a son I never had perhaps. He was brilliant, but as we became close he began to suspect that I wasn’t telling him everything. He heard rumors about what was called the Pym Particles, and he became obsessed with recreating my formula. But I wouldn’t help him so he conspired against me and he voted me out of my own company. [Scott Lang] How could he do that? [Dr. Hank Pym] The board’s chairman is my daughter, Hope. She was the deciding vote. But she came back to me when she saw how close Cross was to cracking my formula. The process is highly volatile. What isn’t protected by a specialized helmet can affect the brain’s chemistry. I don’t think Darren realizes this, and you know, he’s not the most stable guy to begin with. [Scott Lang] So, what do you want from me? [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, I believe that everyone deserves a shot at redemption. Do you? [Scott Lang] I do. [Dr. Hank Pym] If you can help me, I promise I can help you be with your daughter again. Now are you ready to redeem yourself? [Scott Lang] Absolutely. My days of breaking into places and stealing shit are done. What do you want me to do? [Dr. Hank Pym] I want you to break into a place and steal some shit. (Paxton receives a text from his partner, Gale, as he’s sat having breakfast with Maggie and Cassie) [Maggie Lang] You going to be home for dinner tonight? (Paxton reads the text, “Lang’s “Lawyer” is Dr. Hank Pym, as in Pym Tech) [Paxton] Uh, yeah. I’ll pick something up, text you. [Maggie Lang] Okay. Good news? (Paxton gets up to leave) [Paxton] Uh, I don’t know. It’s news. [Cassie Lang] Are you trying to find my daddy? [Paxton] Yeah, I am, sweetheart. I just want your daddy to be safe. [Cassie Lang] Hope you don’t catch him. (Pym is showing Scott photos of the people he used to worked with) [Dr. Hank Pym] This isn’t the first time these guys have tried to get their hands on game changing weaponry. That’s Mitchell Carson, ex-head of defense at SHIELD, presently in the business of toppling governments. He always wanted my tech, and now, unless we break in and steal the Yellowjacket and destroy all the data, Darren Cross is gonna unleash chaos upon the world. [Scott Lang] I think our first move should be calling the Avengers. [Dr. Hank Pym] I’ve spent half my life trying to keep this technology out of the hands of a Stark. I’m sure as hell not gonna hand-deliver it to one now. This is not some cute technology like the Iron Man suit. This could change the texture of reality. Besides they’re probably too busy dropping cities out of the sky. [Scott Lang] Okay, then why don’t you just send the ants? [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, they are ants. Ants, they can do a lot of things, but they still need a leader. Somebody that can infiltrate a place that’s designed to prevent infiltration. [Scott Lang] Hank, I’m a thief. Alright? I’m a good thief. But this is insane. (just then Hope enters the lab) [Hope van Dyne] He’s right Hank and you know it. You’ve seen the footage, you know what Cross is capable of. I was against using him when we had months, now we have days. I’m wearing the suit. [Dr. Hank Pym] Absolutely not! [Hope van Dyne] I know the facility inside and out, I know how Cross thinks. I know this mission better than anybody here. [Dr. Hank Pym] We need you close to Cross otherwise this mission cannot work. [Hope van Dyne] We don’t have time to screw around. [Dr. Hank Pym] Hope, please. Listen to me, please… [Hope van Dyne] He is a criminal. I’m your daughter. [Dr. Hank Pym] No! (Pym turns and sits down, Hope walks off in disappointment) [Scott Lang] She’s right, Hank. I’m not your guy. Why don’t you wear the suit? [Dr. Hank Pym] You think I don’t want to? I can’t. I spent years wearing it. It took a toll on me. You’re our only option. Before Hope lost her mother, she used to look at me like I was the greatest man in the world. And now she looks at me and it’s just disappointment. It’s too late for me, but not for you. This is your chance. The chance to earn that look in your daughter’s eyes, to become the hero that she already thinks you are. It’s not about saving our world, it’s about saving theirs. [Scott Lang] Damn, that was a good speech. [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, I need you to be the Ant-Man. (we see Scott wearing the Ant-Man suit with Pym and Hope training him) [Dr. Hank Pym] In the right hands, the relationship between man and suit is symbiotic. The suit has power, the man harnesses that power. You need to be skillful, agile, and above all, you need to be fast. You should be able to shrink and grow on a dime, so your size always suits your needs. (Hope closes the door) Now dive through the keyhole, Scott. You charge big, you dive small, then you emerge big. (Scott puts on the helmet and charges for the keyhole) [Scott Lang] Ow! (we hear him fail several times as he continues to shrink and dive through the keyhole) Ah! Ow. [Hope van Dyne] (to Pym) Useless. (Hope trains Scott) [Hope van Dyne] When you’re small energy is compressed so you have the force of a two hundred pound man behind a fist a hundredth of an inch wide, you’re like a bullet. You punch too hard, you kill someone, too soft, it’s a love-tap. In other words you have to know how to punch. [Scott Lang] I was in prison for three years, I know how to punch. [Hope van Dyne] Show me. (she puts up her hands and Scott hits her hand) Terrible. [Scott Lang] You want to show me how to punch? (he puts up his hand like hers) Show me… (suddenly Hope punches him in the face knocking him back) [Hope van Dyne] That’s how you punch. [Dr. Hank Pym] She’s been looking forward to this. [Scott Lang] No kiddin’. [Dr. Hank Pym] Hope trained in martial arts at a, uh, difficult time. [Hope van Dyne] Oh, by difficult time, he means when my mother died. [Dr. Hank Pym] We lost her in a plane crash. [Hope van Dyne] It’s bad enough you won’t tell me how she died, could you please stop telling me that lie. We’re working here. (as Scott is still recovering from her punch) Alright princess, let’s get back to work. [Scott Lang] Were you going for the hand? (Pym finds Scott playing around with the suit’s regulator) [Scott Lang] You know, I think this regulator is holding me back. [Dr. Hank Pym] Do not screw with the regulator. If that regulator is compromised you would go sub-atomic. [Scott Lang] What does that mean? [Dr. Hank Pym] It means that you would enter a quantum realm. [Scott Lang] What does *that* mean? [Dr. Hank Pym] It means that you would enter a reality where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant as you shrink for all eternity. Everything that you know, and love, gone forever. [Scott Lang] Cool. Yeah. I’m… if it ain’t broke. (return to training) [Dr. Hank Pym] You’ve learned about the suit, but you’ve yet to learn about your greatest allies: the ants. Loyal, brave, and your partners on this job. (Pym and Hope watch as Scott shrinks in their back garden and goes running under the earth) [Hope van Dyne] Paratrechina longicornis, commonly known as crazy ants, they’re lightning fast and can conduct electricity which makes them useful to fry out enemy electronics. (Scott comes across a crazy ant) [Scott Lang] Oh, you’re not so crazy. (the crazy ant jumps on him, knocking Scott back) Hey! You’re cute. (suddenly a herd of crazy ants crawl all over Scott) Oh! Aaah! (Scott turns himself back to normal size and he pops up through the ground) That was a lot scarier a second ago. (as they look at Pym Technologies building map) [Scott Lang] It looks like the Futures lab has its own isolated power supply. [Hope van Dyne] There’s a security guard posted around the clock, we’ll need you to take him out to deactivate the security systems. (shrunk again and back under the earth, Scott goes looking for more ants) [Scott Lang] Okay. Who’s next? (a massive ant comes up behind Scott) [Hope van Dyne] Paraponera clavata. [Scott Lang] I know. Bullet ants, right? Number one on the Schmidt pain index. (to the ants) Hey, guys! Remember me from the bedroom? (as the ant goes to attack Scott pops back up the through the ground in his normal size) Whoa! (return to the Pym Technologies building map) [Hope van Dyne] The Yellowjacket pod is hermetically sealed and the only access point is a tube we estimate to be about five millimeters in diameter. [Scott Lang] Why do I have a sick feeling in my stomach? [Hope van Dyne] The tube is protected by a laser grid and we can only power that down for fifteen seconds. [Dr. Hank Pym] You’re going to need to signal the crazy ants to blow the servers, retrieve the suit, and exit the vaults, before the backup power comes on. (return to training) [Hope van Dyne] (looking at another ant) Camponotus pennsylvanicus. [Dr. Hank Pym] Alternatively known as a carpenter ant. Ideal for ground and air transport. [Scott Lang] Wait a minute, I know this guy. I’m going to call him Ant-thony. [Dr. Hank Pym] That’s good. That’s very good, because this time you’re really going to have to learn how to control him. (we see the ants pushing sugar cubes on the table) Tell them to put the sugar in the teacup. (we see Hope and Scott fight training, this time Scott lands a painful blow to Hope) [Scott Lang] Oh, you okay, d… (Hope suddenly punches Scott in the face and then knocks him down with her legs) (later as Scott is tending to his wound) [Hope van Dyne] Hank wants you outside for target practice. [Dr. Hank Pym] The suit has no weapons so I made you these discs. Red shrinks. Blue enlarges. [Hope van Dyne] (referring to another species of ant) Solenopsis mandibularis. [Dr. Hank Pym] Known for their bite, the fire ants have evolved into remarkable architects. They are handy to get you in and out of difficult places. (back to Scott trying to get some ants to put the sugar cubes into the teacup) [Dr. Hank Pym] You can do it Scott, come on. (one of the ants flies off and Scott takes off his earpiece in frustration) [Scott Lang] They’re not listening to me. [Hope van Dyne] You have to commit, you have to mean it. No shortcuts, no lies. [Dr. Hank Pym] Throwing insults into the mix will not do anyone any good, Hope. [Hope van Dyne] We don’t have time for coddling. [Dr. Hank Pym] Our focus should be on helping Scott! [Hope van Dyne] Really? Is that where our focus should be? (Hope picks up the earpiece and uses it to instruct the ants to put the sugar cube into the teacup, then she gets a herd of ants to appear) [Dr. Hank Pym] Hope! (looking upset Hope walks over to Pym) [Hope van Dyne] I don’t know why I came to you in the first place. (Hope leaves) [Dr. Hank Pym] We can’t do this without her. (as Hope is about to leave in her car Scott gets in) [Hope van Dyne] Oh, God. [Scott Lang] You gotta lock your doors. I mean, really. There’s some weird folks in this neighborhood. [Hope van Dyne] Do you think this is a joke? Do you have any idea what he’s asking you to risk? You have a daughter. [Scott Lang] I’m doing this for her. [Hope van Dyne] You know when my mother died I didn’t see him for two weeks? [Scott Lang] He was in grief. [Hope van Dyne] Yeah, so was I, and I was seven. And he never came back, not in any way that counted. He just sent me off to boarding school. You know, I thought, with all that’s at stake, just maybe we might have a chance at making peace. But even now he still wants to shut me out. [Scott Lang] He doesn’t want to shut you out. He trusts you. [Hope van Dyne] Then why are you here? [Scott Lang] It proves that he loves you. Hope. Look at me. I’m expendable, that’s why I’m here. You must’ve realized that by now. I mean, that’s why I’m in the suit and you’re not. He’d rather lose than fight than lose you. Anyway… (Scott goes to get out of the car) [Hope van Dyne] You know, I didn’t know you had a… a daughter when I called the cops on you. What’s her name? [Scott Lang] Cassie. [Hope van Dyne] It’s a pretty name. You have to clear your mind, Scott. You have to make your thoughts precise, that’s how it works. Think about Cassie, about how badly you want to see her, and use that to focus. (she gives Scott the earpiece back to talk to the ants and places a coin on the dashboard) Open your eyes and just think about what you want the ants to do. (couple of ants arrive and Scott gets them to pick up the coin) That’s good. (they watch as Scott gets the ants to spin the coin) (Hope and Scott enter back into the house where Pym is waiting) [Dr. Hank Pym] Your mother convinced me to let her join me on my missions. They called her the Wasp. She was born to it. And there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t regret having said yes. It was 1987, separatists had hijacked a Soviet missile silo in Kursk and launched an ICBM at the United States. The only way to the internal mechanics was through solid titanium. (in flashback we see Pym in his Ant-Man suit and his wife in her Wasp suit intercepted the missile) [Dr. Hank Pym] I knew I had to shrink between the molecules to disarm the missile, but my regulator had sustained too much damage. Your mother, she didn’t hesitate. (we see Janet shrinking herself to stop the missile) [Dr. Hank Pym] Janet! No! (flash-forward) [Dr. Hank Pym] She turned off her regulator and went sub-atomic to deactivate the bomb. She was gone. Your mom died a hero. And I spent the next ten years trying to learn all I could about the quantum realm. [Hope van Dyne] You were trying to bring her back. [Dr. Hank Pym] But all I learned was we know nothing. [Hope van Dyne] It’s not your fault. She made her choice. But why didn’t you tell me this sooner? [Dr. Hank Pym] I was trying to protect you. I lost your mother. I didn’t mean to lose you too. (Hope begins to cry) [Hope van Dyne] I’m sorry. [Scott Lang] This is awesome. It’s awesome, you know? You guys are breaking down walls, you’re healing. It’s important. (Hope and Pym turn to look at him) I ruined the moment didn’t I? [Dr. Hank Pym] Yes, you did, yes. [Scott Lang] I’m gonna make some tea. (Scott turns and leaves) (we see Scott finally shrink down and dive through the keyhole) [Scott Lang] Nailed it! (he then goes under the earth, gets to fly on an ant) [Scott Lang] That’s a good boy, Ant-thony. (we see him successfully work with the ants getting them to follow him) [Scott Lang] The final phase of your training will be a stealth incursion. (we see Scott in his shrunken form on the side of a plane) [Scott Lang] It’s freezing! You couldn’t make a suit with a flannel lining? (back in Pym’s lab) [Dr. Hank Pym] We must retrieve this prototype of a signal decoy, it’s a device that I invented from my SHIELD days. [Hope van Dyne] We need it to counteract the transmission blockers that Cross installed in the Futures vault. [Dr. Hank Pym] It’s currently collecting dust in one of Howard Stark’s old storage facilities in upstate New York. Should be a piece of cake. (back to plane) [Scott Lang] You’re over the target area. Disengage, now, Scott. (back on the plane Scott instructs the ants) [Scott Lang] Squadron A, go. B, go. C, go. Alright, Ant-thony, please don’t drop me this time. (they jump off the plane) Ah, it feels like a big leap from sugar cubes to this. [Dr. Hank Pym] Stay calm. [Scott Lang] (approaching the "old Stark warehouse" he's supposed to burglarize) Uh, guys, we might have a problem. Hank, didn’t you say this was some old warehouse? (The "warehouse" comes into clearer view, with a large circle-A insignia on the roof denoting its role as the Avengers' base) It’s not! (we see that the warehouse is the new Avengers base) You son of a bitch! [Hope van Dyne] Scott, get out of there. [Dr. Hank Pym] Abort! Abort now. [Scott Lang] No, it’s okay. It doesn’t look like anyone’s home. Ant-thony, get me to the roof. [Dr. Hank Pym] He’s gonna lose the suit. [Hope van Dyne] He’s gonna lose his life. (Scott lands in the roof of the new Avengers base) [Scott Lang] Alright I’m on the roof of the target building. [Hope van Dyne] Somebody’s home, Scott. (just then Sam Wilson in his Falcon flies in) [Natasha Romanoff] (on Sam’s radio) What’s going on down there, Sam? [Scott Lang] It’s the Falcon! [Sam Wilson] (into his radio) I had a sensor trip but I’m not seeing anything. Wait a second. [Dr. Hank Pym] Abort, Scott! Abort now. [Scott Lang] It’s okay, he can’t see me. [Sam Wilson] I can see you. [Scott Lang] He can see me. (Scott enlarges himself back to normal size and waves to Falcon) Hi. I’m Scott. (to Pym back in the lab as they listen to Scott) [Hope van Dyne] Did he just say “Hi I’m Scott?” (back to Avengers HQ) [Sam Wilson] What are you doing here? [Scott Lang] First off, I’m a big fan. [Sam Wilson] Appreciate it. So who the hell are you? [Scott Lang] I’m Ant-Man. (Sam smiles) Ant-Man? [Scott Lang] What, you haven’t heard of me? No, you wouldn’t have heard of me. [Sam Wilson] You want to tell me what you want? [Scott Lang] I was hoping I could grab a piece of technology just for a few days, and then return it. I need it to save the world. You know how that is. [Sam Wilson] I know exactly how that is. (into his radio) Located the breach. Bringing him in. [Scott Lang] Sorry about this! (just as Sam goes to grab Scott he shrinks himself, hits Sam and runs off) [Dr. Hank Pym] What the hell are you doing? (Sam chases after Scott) [Sam Wilson] Breach is an adult male who has some sort of shrinking tech. (Sam flies in and lands to stamp on Scott but Scott manages to intercept it and fights off Sam) [Scot Lang] Sorry. Sorry about this. Sorry (Scott jumps around Sam while punching him) [Sam Wilson] That’s enough! (Sam punches Scott as he jumps at him) [Scott Lang] Ant-thony, a little help. (Ant-thony flies in, Scott jump on his back and they fly into a vent and Sam goes to find him) [Dr. Hank Pym] I’ve lost visual! (suddenly Sam bursts through one of the facility doors) [Sam Wilson] He’s inside my pack. [Scott Lang] Sorry. You seem like a really great guy. (they fight but Scott gets manages to disable Sam’s flight pack then flies off on Ant-thony; into his radio) [Sam Wilson] It’s really important to me that Cap never finds out about this. (back to Pym house) [Dr. Hank Pym] That was completely irresponsible and dangerous! You jeopardized everything! (Scott takes Pym’s signal decoy out of his pocket and places it on the table) [Hope van Dyne] You got it. (Scott nods his head) [Dr. Hank Pym] Well done. [Scott Lang] Wait a minute. Did you just compliment me? He did, didn’t he? [Hope van Dyne] Kind of sounded like he did. [Dr. Hank Pym] I was good, wasn’t I? [Scott Lang] Hey, how about the fact that I fought an Avenger, and didn’t die? [Dr. Hank Pym] Now let’s not dwell on the past. We gotta finish our planning. (Pym turns and leaves with the signal decoy) [Hope van Dyne] Don’t mind him. You did good. (Pym enters his living room to find Cross standing there) [Dr. Hank Pym] Darren. How the hell did you get in here? (Pym closes the door) [Darren Cross] You left the front door open, Hank. It’s official. You’re old. (Hope and Scott hear them from the kitchen) [Hope van Dyne] The plans! He will kill him. (back with Cross and Pym) [Dr. Hank Pym] Well to what do I owe this pleasure? [Darren Cross] I have good news. [Dr. Hank Pym] Really? What’s that? [Darren Cross] Pym Tech, the company you created, is about to become one of the most profitable operations in the world. We’re anticipating fifteen billion in sales tomorrow alone. (Pym says nothing, at the same time Scott gets some ants to roll up their plans on the nearby table) You’re welcome. I know this is odd, but I’d like you to be there. This is my moment, I want you to see it. [Dr. Hank Pym] Sure, Darren. Yeah, sure. I’ll be there. [Darren Cross] What did you see in me? [Dr. Hank Pym] I don’t know what you mean. [Darren Cross] All those years ago, you picked me. What did you see? [Dr. Hank Pym] I saw myself. [Darren Cross] Then why did you push me away? [Dr. Hank Pym] Because I saw too much of myself. (Cross turns and leaves) (after Cross leaves) [Hope van Dyne] He knows, he’s baiting you! We have to call it off. [Dr. Hank Pym] We’re all taking risks. [Hope van Dyne] What if he saw me here? [Dr. Hank Pym] He didn’t. There’s no way. [Hope van Dyne] How do you know that? (just then Hope gets a call from Cross) Darren, hi. [Darren Cross] Hope, where are you right now? [Hope van Dyne] I’m at home, why? [Darren Cross] I just saw Hank. I still get nothing but contempt from him. [Hope van Dyne] Don’t let him rile you up, he’s just… he’s just a senile old man. [Darren Cross] We need to start everyone working around the clock, get the assembly line up and running. And I’m tripling security. Full sensors at all entrances, and exterior air vents fitted with steel micro mesh. [Hope van Dyne] Great. Good idea. [Darren Cross] Thank you, Hope. I’m so lucky to have you on my team. [Hope van Dyne] He’s tripling security, he’s lost his mind, and he’s on to you. [Dr. Hank Pym] But he is not on to you. [Hope van Dyne] He’s adding full body scanners to all entrances and closing exterior vents. How are we gonna get Scott inside? [Scott Lang] The water main. You can’t add security to a water main. The pressure is too strong, but if we can decrease it, that’s how I get in. [Hope van Dyne] Somebody would have to reach the building’s control center to change the water pressure. I mean, Hank and I will be beside Cross, how are we supposed to do that? [Scott Lang] So we expand our team. What do we need? A fake security guard on the inside to depressurize the water system, somebody else to hack into the power supply and kill the laser grid, and a getaway guy. [Dr. Hank Pym] No, no. No, no, no. Not those three wombats. No way. (Hope provides three cups of coffee for Luis, Dave and Kurt) [Luis] Thank you for the coffee ma’am. It’s not too often that you rob a place, and then get welcomed back. Because we just robbed you! [Hope van Dyne] (to Scott) You know that he was arrested for stealing a smoothie machine, right? [Luis] Two smoothie machines. [Hope van Dyne] Are you sure they can handle this? [Luis] Oh we can handle it, we’re professionals. [Dr. Hank Pym] You’ll forgive us if we’re not instilled with confidence. [Dave] Wait, everybody. Just kick back and relax a little bit, man. we know our business. We broke into this spooky-ass house, didn’t we? [Dr. Hank Pym] I let you. [Dave] Well, one could say that I let you let me. [Scott Lang] Look, it’s okay. They can handle this. [Luis] Yeah, we can handle it. [Scott Lang] You got their credentials? [Hope van Dyne] He’s in the system. [Luis] I’m in the system? [Dave] The system. [Luis] The system? [Dr. Hank Pym] Yeah. We’re doomed. [Scott Lang] Alright, there’s something you guys need to see. (a little while later, as Pym is showing Luis, Dave and Kur their plans Scott walks in wearing the Ant-Man suit) [Luis] Damn! Whoa! That’s so cool, bro! [Scott Lang] Now look, this is gonna get weird, alright? It’s pretty freaky but it’s safe. There’s no reason to be scared. [Luis] Aw, no, no. Daddy don’t get scared. [Scott Lang] Really? [Luis] Yeah. [Scott Lang] Good. (Scott shrinks himself freaking out Luis, Dave and Kurt) [Luis] Oh! [Kurt] This is the work of the gypsies. [Dave] That’s… that’s… that’s witchcraft. [Luis] Oh, that’s amazing. That’s like some David Copperfield shit. [Dave] That’s some kind of wizardry. [Kurt] Sorcery! [Luis] Ahh! Ahh! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! (runs out of the room) Get off! Get off! Ahh! (Luis runs off trying to get Scott off his shoulder) [Scott Lang] I thought daddy didn’t get scared? (Luis, Dave and Kurt have all fallen asleep on the couch) [Hope van Dyne] I gave them each half a Xanax and Hank explained the science of the suit to them. Fell right asleep. [Scott Lang] Hey, look. I want to thank you for… [Hope van Dyne] No, please don’t. We’re all doing this for reasons much bigger than any one of us. I’m just glad that you might have a slight chance of maybe pulling this off. [Scott Lang] Hey. Thank you, you know, for that pep talk. [Hope van Dyne] You know, the honest truth is I actually went from despising you to almost liking you. [Scott Lang] You really should write poetry. (Hope laughs) [Hope van Dyne] Get some sleep, Scott. (Hope leaves) (later that night Scott uses the Ant-Man suit to go and visit his daughter in her room as she sleeps) (outside Pym Technologies) [Scott Lang] Alright, just so we’re clear, everyone here knows their role, right? Dave? [Dave] Wheels on the ground. [Scott Lang] Kurt? [Kurt] Eyes in the sky. [Scott Lang] Luis? [Luis] Aw, man, you know it. You know what, I get to wear a uniform, that’s what’s up. [Scott Lang] Luis. [Luis] I’m sorry, I mean, I’m good, I’m good. I’m just excited, and plus you’re girlfriend’s really hot, so you know that makes me nervous too. (to Hope) And you are very beautiful, ma’am. [Dr. Hank Pym] Oh, my lord. [Scott Lang] She’s not my… [Luis] Hey, you know what? I was thinking of a tactic, like when I go undercover, like a whistling, you know I’m saying? To like, blend in. [Scott Lang] No, don’t whistle. No whistling. It’s not the Andy Griffith Show. No whistling. (on the night of the charity event, Luis makes it in employed as a security guard, outside Dave and Kurt are in their van with Scott in the back dressed in his suit) [Kurt] We’re set. [Scott Lang] Wish me luck. (Scott gets out, shrinks himself as he goes through the water main) [Kurt] Utility is online. (inside the building Luis starts whistling) [Alpha Guard] Hey. What are you doing? [Luis] Uh, boss-man said to secure the area. So, I’m securing. [Alpha Guard] I’m the boss. [Luis] Oh. [Alpha Guard] (into his radio) Utilities work room three… (Luis suddenly punches him, knocking him out unconscious and then lowers the water level) [Kurt] Water level is dropping. (Scott floats along on the water with the ants through the pipes) [Kurt] Coming up on extraction pipe. [Scott Lang] I see it! (to the ants) Alright, come on. I gotta get up there. That’s it, that’s it, guys, yeah! (the ants help him climb up to the extraction pipe) That’s it, yeah. Yes! You got it! You got it, come on! (Scott makes it through one of the handwash sinks in the bathroom) Alright, let’s fly Ant-thony. (Scott and the ants fly off) [Kurt] The Ant-Man is in the building. (as they see Pym pull up outside the building where the charity event is taking place) [Dave] Phshh. Got a Crown Vic right outside over there. [Kurt] This is problem? [Dave] Considering the Crown Vic’s the most commonly used car for under-cover cops, man. Yes, this is a problem. (inside the Crown Vic is Paxton and Gale) [Paxton] That’s Pym. (they get out to go after Pym) [Kurt] Oh, no. (back with Scott and the ants) [Scott Lang] I’m employing the bullet ants. Hapanera-clamda-mana-merna. I don’t remember what it’s called but I feel bad for this guy. (using the ants Scott takes down one of the security guards with Luis also punching him) [Luis] See, that’s what I’m talkin’ bout. That’s what I call it, an unfortunate casualty, in a very serious operation, you know? (Hope then comes along and enters the room and places the signal decoy) [Kurt] Signal decoy in place. Mean pretty lady did good, Scott. [Dave] Looks like Pym’s getting arrested. [Kurt] Scott, we have problem. [Scott Lang] Problem? What’s the problem? (just then Dave gets out of the can) [Kurt] Dave! Dave, that’s not part of plan! [Dr. Hank Pym] (as Paxton and Gale are trying to arrest Pym) Listen to me, if I don’t get into this building people will die. [Gale] That’s awfully dramatic. (Dave creates a diversion by stealing Paxton and Gale’s car) [Paxton] Are you kidding me?! (they run after Dave as he drives off in their car) [Kurt] Problem solved. (inside the building Cross finds Hope) [Darren Cross] Well. How do I look? (they then find Pym as he enters the building) There he is. Just in time. Come on. (Cross takes them to vault where he’s keeping the Yellowjacket suit, and uses an eye scanner to open the door) [Computer] Twelve point verification. [Dr. Hank Pym] Little over the top, don’t you think, Darren? [Computer] Confirming authorization. [Darren Cross] No, you can never be too safe. [Computer] Access granted. (they enter the vault) [Dr. Hank Pym] I gotta hand it to you, Darren, you really did it. [Darren Cross] And you only know the half of it, Hank. (at the same time Carson arrives with his men) (back to Scott and the ants) [Scott Lang] Arriving at second position. Alright, top speed, Ant-thony! Let’s go. (Scott and Ant-thony fly towards where the Yellowjacket suit is being kept) Proceeding to command position. (Scott jumps off Ant-thony) I’ll be right back, Ant-thony. Alright, guys, I’m in position. I’m going to signal the ants. (Paxton and Gale find their car dumped can crashed into a tree) [Paxton] No, no, no, no! (Dave gets back into the van with Kurt) [Dave] Did you see that? (he honks the musical horn which Paxton recognizes from Scott using it earlier) (back to Scott instructing the ants) [Scott Lang] Assume formation. Alright you cute little crazies, let’s fry these servers. (the ants fry the servers and Scott jumps back onto Ant-thony) Let’s go get ‘em, buddy! [Kurt] Servers are fried. Data backup completely erased. [Scott Lang] Headed to the particle chamber. (Carson and his men enters the vault where Cross is with Pym and Hope) [Mitchell Carson] Hello, Dr. Cross. My associates agree to your terms. [Darren Cross] Wonderful. (to Pym) They’re not what they were, they’re doing some interesting work. And I’m enjoying myself. You tried to hide your technology from me, and now it’s gonna blow up in your face. (suddenly Pym punches Cross in the face) Wow. Wow! I mean, I saw the punch coming a mile away but I just figured it’d be all pathetic and weak. [Dr. Hank Pym] Well you figured wrong. (back outside Paxton and Gale walk over to Luis’s van) [Paxton] I know this van. (he bangs on the van door) Anybody home? [Dave] (to each other inside the van) Shh. [Kurt] Shh. [Dave] Shh! [Kurt] Shh! [Scott Lang] Alright, guys, I’m here. Setting the charges. (Scott set the explosives; to the ants) Great job, guys. I’ll take it from here. (Ant-thony sets Scott down) Good boy, Ant-thony. Final position. (to Kurt and Dave) Guys, how we lookin’ on that laser grid? [Kurt] Almost! [Dave] No, you’re not. [Kurt] I’m getting close! [Dave] No, you’re not. (Paxton keeps banging on Luis’s van door) [Paxton] San Francisco PD! Man in the van! I know you’re in there! (inside the van as they wait for the laser grid to be disabled) [Dave] Make it go faster. [Kurt] Dude, seriously! [Scott Lang] Ready to jump. Do you read, Kurt? [Kurt] It’s so close. [Paxton] (suddenly the van door opens, Paxton and Gale point their guns at Kurt and Dave) Freeze! [Dave] Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute! there was a black guy that looked exactly like me who attacked us and put us in the back of this disgusting van. [Paxton] Get out. [Dave] Take it easy! [Kurt] (Paxton pulls Kurt out of the van at the same time the laser grid is disabled; to Scott) Go! Go now! (Scott jumps to get to the Yellowjacket) Wait! [Scott Lang] What? What do you mean wait? (Kurt manages to struggle free from Paxton’s hold to press a button on his computer to fully disable the lasers and just as Scott goes to grab the suit it’s pulled away) What? What? (Cross sees Scott and taps on the glass) [Darren Cross] Hi, little guy. (to Pym) I always suspected you had a suit stored away somewhere, which begs the question, who is the new Ant-Man? Who is the man that my beloved mentor trusted even more than me? (pauses a moment) Scott Lang. The martyr, who took on the system and paid the price, losing his family and his only daughter in the process. Exactly your kind of guy, Hank. He escapes his jail cell without leaving any clue as to how, and then, he disappears magically, despite having no money to his name, and now he brings me the Ant-Man suit, the only thing that can rival my creation. [Dr. Hank Pym] Darren, don’t do this. If you sell to these men, it’s going to be chaos. [Darren Cross] I already have, and for twice the price, thanks to you. It’s not easy to successfully infiltrate an Avengers facility. Thankfully, word travels fast. Oh, I’ll sell them the Yellowjacket, but I’m keeping the particle to myself. They don’t run on diesel. If you want the fuel you’ll have to come to me. What do you call the only man who can arm the most powerful weapon in the world? [Dr. Hank Pym] The most powerful man in the world. [Darren Cross] You proud of me yet? [Dr. Hank Pym] You can stop this, Darren. It’s not too late. [Darren Cross] It’s been too late for a long time now. (one of the men in the chamber points their gun at Pym) [Hope van Dyne] Darren, what are you doing? [Darren Cross] He wasn’t any more capable of caring for you than he was for me. [Hope van Dyne] This is not who you are, it’s the particles altering your brain chemistry. [Darren Cross] (to the guy pointing a gun at Pym) Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You’re right, I have to be the one to do it. (he points a gun at Pym’s head, at the same time Hope takes out her weapon and points it at Cross) [Mitchell Carson] Here we go. [Hope van Dyne] Drop your gun. [Darren Cross] You know I came to the house the other night to kill him, but you were there. [Hope van Dyne] You’re sick and I can help you just put the gun down. [Darren Cross] I wasn’t ready to kill you then, but I think I am now! [Hope van Dyne] Drop your gun, now! [Darren Cross] You picked the wrong side, Hope. (just then Scott breaks out using the disc Pym gave him that turn things large, he starts fighting off the men in the chamber and Pym is shot in the chaos) [Hope van Dyne] Dad! (grabbing hold of the wounded Pym) [Scott Lang] Hank. No, no. Hank. Hank. Listen, you’re gonna be okay. Alright? You’re gonna be just fine. (Cross comes up behind Scott and points his gun at the back of Scott’s head) [Darren Cross] Take the suit off or I’ll blow your brains out and peel it off! (Scott instructs the ants to disable Cross’ gun and bite him, so he takes off and the same time Carson takes off with vial of Cross’ particles) [Paxton] (Luis sets off the alarm to the building; into his radio) We got a 10-33 at Pym Tech, request immediate backup. [Dave] (Paxton and Gale head off; to Kurt) Go, go, go! (Dave and Kurt get into the van and drive off) [Hope van Dyne] (inside the vault) Dad, can you move? [Dr. Hank Pym] Yes. [Scott Lang] We need to get him out of here. [Hope van Dyne] Go get that suit. (Scott takes off and tries to get away from the two guards shooting at him) (Scott shrinks himself into the small building model of Cross of Tech to get away from the guards shooting at him, then Luis comes to the rescue and knocks out the guards) [Luis] Hey, Scotty. Hey, did I save your life? Scotty? Scotty? (Scott makes himself large again) [Scott Lang] Thank you, Luis. [Luis] Hey, are we the good guys? [Scott Lang] Yeah. [Luis] We’re the good guys, right? [Scott Lang] Yeah, we’re the good guys. [Luis] Feels kind of weird, you know? [Scott Lang] Yeah, but we’re not done yet. Get out of here before this place blows. (Scott shrinks himself and takes off) [Luis] (as Luis tries to leave the building he remembers the guard he knocked out earlier) Oh, dammit! That guy. (he opens the door and rushes to the guard who is tied up) Hey! We’re getting out of here! (back inside the vault Hope helps Pym sit up) [Hope van Dyne] The charges are set. We’ve got to find a way out of here and fast. [Dr. Hank Pym] Don’t worry. I’m not gonna die, and neither are you. (he holds up a keychain that looks like a tank) It’s not a keychain. (outside) [Paxton] (into his radio) All the chaos in here! Multiple shots fired. (suddenly a tank bursts out through the building) And there’s a tank. (Luis then walks out of the building with the guard) [Luis] A little help. (someone takes hold of the guard, at the same time Hope helps Pym out of the tank) I got him. (Luis helps Pym) [Hope van Dyne] We need a doctor! (a medic comes over to help Pym) (Cross is in his helicopter) [Darren Cross] Let’s go! (just as they are about to leave Cross sees a swarm of flung ants heading towards him with Scott on Ant-thony, Cross takes out a gun and starts shooting and one of the bullets hits Ant-thony) [Scott Lang] Ant-thony! (Scott falls onto another ant) [Darren Cross] Go! (the helicopter door is closed) [Scott Lang] You’re gonna regret that. (Cross’ helicopter takes off) (Paxton sees Luis as he gets into his van) [Paxton] Wait a minute! Get out of that van! [Luis] What? [Paxton] Get out of that van! [Luis] It’s too loud there’s a tank, I can’t hear you! (he closes the van door and Dave drives off) [Paxton] Hey! Hey! (Scott makes it into Cross’ helicopter and Cross starts shooting at him) [Darren Cross] Did you think you could stop the future with a heist? [Scott Lang] It was never just a heist! (Scott sets off charges set around Pym Technologies and Cross watches in shock as the whole building is destroyed) Put the gun down! (Cross hits Scott and he falls out of the helicopter window back into his normal size) (Scott manages to get back into the helicopter but finds Cross wearing the Yellowjacket, they both shrink start fighting and fall into a briefcase which falls out of the helicopter) [Darren Cross] I’m gonna disintegrate you! (inside the briefcase they accidentally hit the cell phone) [Cell Phone] Playing “Disintegration” by The Cure. (“Disintegration” by The Cure starts playing as Scott and Cross continue to fight)) ((Briefcase falls into a family’s pool, Scott and Cross blast out in a splash as they return to normal size) [Pool BBQ Dad] Call 911! (Scott and Cross continue to fight shrinking and growing until Scott swats Cross into a bug zapper) [Scott Lang] It’s okay. (the family runs off in fear) (Paxton and Gale show up) [Gale] Police! Put your hands up! [Paxton] Get ‘em up! (Scott pulls up his helmet) Scott? [Scott Lang] Paxton, you have to listen to me- (as Scott goes to walk towards Paxton they taser him and falls down unconscious) (as Paxton and Gale are driving Scott back to the police station Scott wakes up) Paxton, turn around, take me back. [Paxton] I’m taking you back, to prison. [Scott Lang] There’s something in that backyard that needs to be destroyed. In the bug zapper, it… [Paxton] (Paxton suddenly stops the car and turns to Scott) You need to desist right now! Your delusions are out of hand! [Police Radio] All units we have a 236 in progress at 840 Winter Street. [Scott Lang] It’s Cassie! (Paxton takes off towards his house) (Cross is standing in Cassie’s room looking menacing) [Darren Cross] Don’t be scared. (Paxton pulls up outside his house) [Paxton] Maggie, what’s going on? [Maggie Lang] He’s got Cassie! [Paxton] Who’s got Cassie? [Maggie Lang] That thing, that thing! I don’t know what it… ! (back in Paxton’s car, Scott manages to put on his helmet, shrinks and takes off) (Cross starts walking towards Cassie) [Cassie Lang] Are you a monster? [Darren Cross] Do I look like a monster? [Cassie Lang] I want my daddy! [Darren Cross] I want your daddy too. (he picks up Cassie and she screams, just then Scott shows up) There you are. [Cassie Lang] Daddy, is that you? (Scott pulls up his helmet) [Scott Lang] Hi, Peanut. (to Cross) Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? (he throws a disc at Cross which shrinks him then he shrinks himself, Cross is now on the Thomas The Tank Engine toy in Cassie’s room) [Darren Cross] Now where did you go, little guy? (he spots Scott running towards him) There you are. (he starts firing lasers from his suit at Scott) [Scott Lang] Not just me. (a swarm of ants follow behind Scott) Get him! Go! Go! (Cross fights off the ants as they attack him, then Scott and Cross fight across the Thomas The Tank Engine toy) [Luis] (as they drive towards Paxton’s house) Scotty needs us, you know what I’m sayin’? Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop us. (they stop as they see a load of police cars and cops surrounding the house) Back it up. Back it up slow. [Dave] Yeah. (Dave starts to slowly back the van away) [Luis] Just back it up. [Dave] Yep, yep. [Luis] Back it up. [Dave] Okay. [Luis] All we gonna do is, we ju… we just back it up. [Dave] Okay. That’s it. [Luis] Back it up. [Dave] That’s right. [Luis] Back it up. [Dave] Yep. [Luis] Okay, now-now-now. Just back it up. [Darren Cross] (as they continue to fight in Cassie’s room inside the Thomas The Tank Engine railway) You insult me, Scott. Your very existence is insulting to me. (Cross shoots his laser at Scott as he runs around Cassie’s room) You know it would be much easier to hit you if you were bigger! [Scott Lang] Yeah, I agree. (Scott throws two discs at Cross, he deflects it one hitting an ant the other the Thomas The Tank Engine toy and they both grow large) [Paxton] Cassie! (Paxton runs into the house) [Darren Cross] I’m gonna show you just how insignificant you are. (Paxton goes to run up the stairs) [Paxton] Cassie, I’m coming! (suddenly the large ant heads his way, he falls down the stairs as the giant ant breaks out of the house) [Gale] That’s a messed-up looking dog. [Darren Cross] (back inside Cassie’s room; to Scott) I’m going to destroy everything you love! (Paxton shows up) [Paxton] Freeze! S.F.P.D.! (Cross throws Paxton’s gun aside, at the same time Scott climbs up the back of Cross’ suit) [Scott Lang] I can’t break through! [Darren Cross] It’s titanium, you idiot! [Scott Lang] (to Paxton as Scott and Paxton continue fighting) Get her out of here! (Paxton carries Cassie off) [Paxton] Come on. [Darren Cross] (as Paxton goes to leave the room with Cassie in his arms Cross stops them) Sorry, sweetheart. You have to help daddy pay for his mistakes. [Paxton] You stay behind me, okay? [Cassie Lang] Okay. [Paxton] Behind me. (Scott looks up at Cross’ particle pack) [Scott Lang] I’m gonna have to shrink between the molecules to get in there. (to Cross) Get away from us! Daddy, help! (Scott jumps up to head towards Cross’ particle pack) I love you, Cassie. (Scott shrinks to a small enough size to break into Cross’ particle pack, this causes Cross and Scott to go subatomic and disappear) [Cassie Lang] Daddy, where are you? (Scott floats past dust, viruses, molecules, atoms, hadrons, quarks, and finally the deepest parts of gluons and remembers Pym’s words) [Dr. Hank Pym] (voice) Go sub-atomic… go sub-atomic… (Scott tries to grow himself back to normal size but realized he can’t) [Scott Lang] Oh, no. (he continues to float in the quantum realm) [Dr. Hank Pym] (voice) You would enter a reality where all concepts of time and space become irrelevant. And as you shrink for all eternity, everything that you know and love gone forever. (Scott hears Cassie’s voice echoing as he floats in the quantum realm) [Cassie Lang] (voice) Daddy! Where are you? Daddy! [Scott Lang] Cassie. [Cassie Lang] (voice) Come on, daddy. (Scott remembers the discs Pym had given him and takes one out) [Dr. Hank Pym] (voice) Do not mess with the regulator. (Scott places the disc in the regulator, presses the button and finally returns to normal size) I love you so much. [Scott Lang] I love you too, so much. [Paxton] (as Scott is holding onto Cassie Paxton mildly gets Scott’s attention) There’s a big hole in the roof. [Scott Lang] Sorry. (Gale runs up to Cassie’s room and we see Paxton holding Cassie and Scott has gone) [Gale] Is she alright? [Paxton] She’s fine. (Maggie enters the room) [Cassie Lang] Mommy. (Maggie grabs hold of Cassie with relief) [Paxton] She’s fine, she’s fine. (Cassie notices Scott in his shrunken size wave goodbye to her and leaves) (the next day Scott is over at Pym’s house) [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott, please. You don’t remember anything? [Scott Lang] Hank, I… I don’t. [Dr. Hank Pym] There must be something else. Well I suppose the human mind just can’t comprehend the experience, but you made it. You went in and you got out, that’s amazing. [Hope van Dyne] Scott, I’ll walk you out. [Scott Lang] (to Pym) Get some rest. (Scott and Hope leave the room, Pym looks over to the photo of himself with his wife holding Hope when she was a baby) [Dr. Hank Pym] Is it possible? (Pym gets up to leave his room, as he opens the door he finds Hope and Scott kissing) When did this happen? [Hope van Dyne] Nothing’s happening. [Scott Lang] Whoa, hold on. Something’s kind of happening. [Dr. Hank Pym] Well if that’s the case… shoot me again. [Scott Lang] (looking at Hope) Yeah, I don’t know what you’re doing grabbing me and kissing me like that. I was a little surprised myself. I have to get somewhere. I’ll see you later, Hank. Really, Hope. (Scott turns to leave) [Dr. Hank Pym] Scott. [Scott Lang] Yeah? [Dr. Hank Pym] You’re full of shit. [Scott Lang] Oh, yeah. (Scott is having dinner with Paxton, Maggie, and Cassie) [Paxton] Well, Scott I met with my Captain today, he wanted a report of the night that you got out of jail. Something happened with the cameras, circuits got fried, and… But I told him you were processed correctly. [Scott Lang] Really? [Paxton] Well, yeah. Can’t be sending Cassie’s dad back to jail on a technical glitch, right? [Scott Lang] Thank you, Paxton. I’m blown away. Thank you for everything you do for Cassie. [Paxton] Oh, well, that’s my pleasure. But no, no, this one, I… I did it for you. [Scott Lang] This is awkward. [Paxton] Yeah. [Cassie Lang] Yeah. [Scott Lang] I mean what do we even talk about after all of that? [Cassie Lang] Oh, I know. [Scott Lang] What? [Cassie Lang] I did my first cartwheel today. [Scott Lang] What? [Maggie Lang] Yeah. She has been practicing all week, but today was the magic day. [Paxton] I recorded it on my phone here. (Paxton shows Scott his recording of Cassie doing her first cartwheel) [Scott Lang] No, that can’t be Cassie. That’s not you. [Maggie Lang] Yeah, it is. [Cassie Lang] Yeah it is. [Scott Lang] This is a professional gymnast, there’s no way that’s you. [Paxton] Yeah, that’s her. (Cassie feeds the giant ant hiding under the table that had escaped during Scott and Cross’ fight) [Cassie Lang] Good, boy. (after watching the video of Cassie doing her cartwheel) [Scott Lang] Sweetie, that’s pretty amazing, Peanut. (just then Scott gets a call) Sorry. It’s work. (he answers the call) Yeah? (Scott meets up with Luis, Dave and Kurt) [Scott Lang] Alright, here’s the deal. Just give me the facts. [Luis] Just the facts, only the facts. [Scott Lang] Breathe, focus, keep it simple. [Luis] No, no, no, no doubt, no doubt. Okay, so I’m at this art museum with my cousin Ignacio, right? And there was this, like, abstract expressionism exhibit, but you know me, I’m more like a Neo-Cubist kind of guy, right? But there was this one Rothko that was sublime, bro. Oh, my God… [Scott Lang] Luis. [Luis] Okay. Sorry, sorry. I’m ju… you know, uh, I just get excited and stuff. But anyway, anyway. When Ignacio tells me: “Yoh, I met this crazy fine writer chick at this spot last night. Like, fine, fine, crazy stupid fine.” And he goes up to the bartender and goes: “Look at the girl I’m with? You know what I’m sayin’? She’s crazy stupid fine, right?” (we see flashback to Ignacio meeting the girl and talking to the bartender who is in fact Stan Lee) And the bartender’s all like: “Yeah, crazy stupid fine.” So this writer chick tells Ignacio: “Yoh, I’m like a boss in the world of guerrilla journalism, and I got mad connects with the peeps behind the curtains. You know what I’m sayin’?” Ignacio’s like: “For real? And she’s like: Yeah. You know what, I can’t tell you who my contact is, because he works with the Avengers.” [Scott Lang] Oh, no. [Luis] Yeah, and this dude sounds like a bad-ass, man. Like he comes up to her and says… (we see flashback of the girl meting up with Sam Wilson in a park) “Yoh, I’m looking for this dude who’s no one seen, who’s flashing this fresh tack, who’s got, like, bomb moves, right? Who you got? She’s like: “Well, we got everything nowadays, we got a guy who jumps, we got a guy who swings, we got a guy who crawls up the walls. You gotta be more specific.” And he’s like: “I’m looking for a guy who shrinks.” And I’m like: “Damn!” (to Scott) I got all nervous cause I keep mad secrets for you, bro. So I asked Ignacio: “Did bad-ass tell the stupid fine writer chick to tell you to tell me because I’m tight with that man, that he’s looking for him?” [Scott Lang] And? What’d he say? [Luis] He said yes. (mid-credit scene; Hank brings Hope down to his lab) [Dr. Hank Pym] There’s something I want to show you. I realized you can’t destroy power, all you can do is to make sure that it’s in the right hands. (he opens up a vault to reveal the prototype of the Wasp suit) This is an advanced prototype that your mother and I worked on together. She never got to use it, but now I realize that we were… we were working on it for you. (Hope looks at the suit in shock then back to Pym) Maybe it’s time we finished it. (Hope looks back at the suit and smiles) [Hope van Dyne] It’s about damn time. (post-credits scene: Sam and Steve Rogers are in a garage with the Winter Soldier, his metal arm tightly clamped in a vise and a forlorn look on his face) [Sam Wilson] Hey, Cap! (Steve and Sam are in an underground room with they are holding Bucky Barnes with his metal arm trapped in a vice) This would have been a lot easier a week ago. [Steve Rogers] If we call Tony… [Sam Wilson] He won’t believe us. [Steve Rogers] Even if he did… [Sam Wilson] Who knows if the accords will let him help? [Steve Rogers] We’re on our own. [Sam Wilson] Maybe not. I know a guy. (the final screen text shows “ANT-MAN WILL RETURN”) (End of Ant-Man)

{"title": "Ant-Man"}

marvel/pdunton

F O R Y O U R C O N S I D E R AT I O N BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely [ AVENGERS] ENDGAME Adapted Screenplay Written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely EXT. BARTON HOME - DAY [CLOSE ON] A HOUSE-ARREST ANKLE BRACELET. CLINT BARTON (O.S.) Okay, you see where you’re going? Let’s work on how to get there. Pan up to find...CLINT BARTON, with his daughter, LILA, coaching her as she notches an arrow in her bow. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Okay, good...tip down...bow arm out...three fingers- LILA BARTON Why three? CLINT BARTON ‘Cause two’s not enough and four’s too much- LAURA BARTON (O.S.) You guys want mustard or mayo, or both? CLINT TURNS. IN THE FIELD BEHIND THEM, his wife, LAURA BARTON sets up a picnic as COOPER and NATHANIEL play soccer. LILA BARTON Who puts mayo on a hot dog? CLINT BARTON We’ll both have mustard, hon! (to Lila) Okay. Draw back, deep breath... She lets loose. THUD! HER ARROW HITS NEAR THE BULLS-EYE. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Good job, Hawkeye. Go get your arrow. LAURA BARTON (O.S.) Enough murder practice! Soup’s on! CLINT BARTON One sec, babe. Be right there! We’re gonna kill some hot dogs. We’re hungry. But when he turns back...LILA IS GONE. The bow and arrow lie at his feet. He stares. 2 CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Lila? Babe, did you see Lila- He turns to his wife, BUT SHE’S GONE. So are the boys. The soccer ball rolls to a stop near the picnic blanket. NO ONE CAN BE SEEN FOR A HUNDRED YARDS IN ALL DIRECTIONS. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Guys? Guys, come on... Clint walks toward the field, dread growing. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Laura? Clint breaks into a panicked run. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) LAURA! CLINT MELTS DOWN, SPINNING AROUND, FRANTIC... MARVEL FLIP EXT. SPACE - NIGHT BLACKNESS. [TITLE] “TWENTY-TWO DAYS LATER.” Soon, THE BENATAR tumbles past, adrift... INT. BENATAR, GALLEY - NIGHT TONY STARK and NEBULA play table-top football. She wins. TONY (offering his hand) Good sport. Have fun? Nebula studies his hand, confused. Finally she shakes. NEBULA It was fun. INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - NIGHT Tony, thin and haggard, kneels in front of HIS BROKEN IRON MAN HELMET. He hits a switch. A light blinks. 2 3 [TONY’S RECORDING] he stares directly into the “camera.” TONY This thing on? Hey, Ms. Potts. Pep. If you find this recording, don’t post it on social media. It’s going to be a real tearjerker. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT THE BENATAR sparks, adrift. TONY (O.S.) I don’t know if you’re ever going to see these. I don’t even know if you’re still...God, I hope so. Today’s day twenty-one, no...twenty- two. INT. BENATAR, GALLEY - FLASHBACK NEBULA lasers shut Tony’s infected wound. TONY (O.S.) You know, if it wasn’t for the existential terror of staring into the literal void of space, I’d say I’m feeling a little better today. Infection’s run its course, thanks to the Blue Meanie back there. You’d like her. She’s very practical. And only a tiny bit sadistic. INT. BENATAR, GALLEY - FLASHBACK TONY AND NEBULA MEND THE EMPTY FUEL CELLS UNDER THE FLOOR. TONY (O.S.) The fuel cells were cracked during battle, but we figured out a way to reverse the ion charge. Bought ourselves about 48 hours of flight time. Problem is that was about...49 hours ago. EXT. SPACE - NIGHT FROM HIGH OVERHEAD, WE WATCH THE BENATAR DRIFT IN SPACE. 3 4 TONY (O.S.) Which means, we’re dead in the water. A thousand light years from the nearest 7-11. INT. BENATAR, GALLEY - FLASHBACK Tony hands Nebula the last of A PURPLE POWDER. She pushes it back to him. TONY (O.S.) Most of the quote-unquote ‘food’ and potable water ran out two weeks ago. INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - NIGHT Tony stands on the flight deck, one hand resting on the glass, staring into the unknown. TONY Pep, I know I said no more surprises. But, I gotta say, I was really hoping to pull off one last one. But it looks like...well, you know what it looks like. INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - NIGHT Back to now. Tony records his thoughts into his helmet. TONY Don’t feel bad about this. I mean, actually, if you grovel for a couple weeks, and then move on with enormous guilt...I should probably lie down for a minute, rest my eyes. Please know, when I drift off, it will be like every day lately. I’m fine, totally fine. I’m going to dream about you. It’s always you. Tony switches the helmet off. TIME CUT: NEBULA finds TONY SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR. TIME CUT: 4 5 Nebula helps Tony into Quill’s chair. Tony slumps, completely still. Nebula gives him his privacy. Move in on Tony’s face as...A LIGHT SLOWLY GROWS BRIGHTER. Soon, the entire flight deck glows as bright as a sun. Nebula appears from the galley, shading her eyes. Tony’s eyelids flutter. Finally, he opens them to see... CAPTAIN MARVEL (CAROL DANVERS) hovering in space. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, BATHROOM - NIGHT STEVE ROGERS shaves. He studies himself in the mirror, exhausted. He’s about to tap his razor in the sink’s standing water, when... THE WATER RIPPLES. Steve stares a beat, puzzled. Then the lamp catches his eye...SWAYING GENTLY. Just then, a sound roars overhead. Steve turns... EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND - NIGHT THE MOON HANGS HUGE OVER THE EARTH. Then the silhouette of THE BENATAR races past, propelled by CAROL DANVERS. Below...STEVE ROGERS, BRUCE BANNER, AND NATASHA ROMANOV watch a flying woman guide the ship to the ground. Behind them, PEPPER POTTS walks up to the group. TIME CUT: Steve races up as NEBULA helps Tony down the ramp. TONY I couldn’t stop him. STEVE Neither could we. TONY I lost the kid. STEVE (unable to say it all) We...lost... TONY Is Pepper...? 5 6 JUST THEN, PEPPER POTTS THROWS HERSELF INTO TONY’S ARMS. PEPPER POTTS Stay here, you stay right here- TONY I’m not going anywhere. NEARBY, NEBULA watches the sad humans. ROCKET SITS BESIDE HER, GRATEFUL. She rests a hand on his furry head. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY RHODEY, TONY, STEVE, NATASHA, AND CAROL watch... A HOLO-DISPLAY ROTATING THROUGH FACES OF PEOPLE WE’VE LOST: WANDA. VISION. BUCKY. T’CHALLA. MARIA HILL. RHODEY It’s been twenty-three days since Thanos came to Earth. TONY, weak, sits in a hi-tech wheelchair, IV dripping into his arm. He stares, taking in the loss: SAM WILSON. SECRETARY ROSS. SHARON CARTER. SCOTT LANG. HOPE VAN DYNE. HANK PYM. NICK FURY. At Fury, Carol bites back emotion. NATASHA World governments are in pieces, as you can imagine. But the parts that still work are trying to take a census. It looks like he did what he said he was going to do. JANE FOSTER. ERIK SELVIG. WONG. DR. STRANGE. THE BARTON FAMILY. QUILL. DRAX. MANTIS. GROOT. PETER PARKER. Finally, Tony looks away. RHODEY turns it off. NATASHA (CONT'D) Thanos wiped out fifty percent of all the living creatures on Earth. CAROL DANVERS Not just Earth. RHODEY You sure about that? 6 7 CAROL DANVERS You never have to ask me that. TONY Where is he now? STEVE We don’t know. He just opened a portal and walked through. Tony looks out to see...THOR on the patio. TONY What’s his deal? ROCKET (O.S.) He’s pissed. Tony turns to see Rocket for the first time. ROCKET (CONT'D) He thinks he failed. Which, of course, he did. But there’s a lot of that going around, ain’t there? TONY Until this second, I literally thought you were a Build-a-Bear. STEVE We’ve been hunting Thanos for three weeks - deep space scans, satellites - we got nothing. Tony, you fought him- TONY Who told you that? I didn’t fight him, he wiped my face with a planet while a Bleecker Street magician gave away the store. There was no fight because he’s not beatable. STEVE Did he give you anything to go on? Clues, coordinates- Tony stares, lost, barely acknowledging Steve. TONY I saw this coming, few years back. Didn’t wanna believe. I thought I was dreaming... 7 8 STEVE Tony, I need you to focus- TONY And I needed you, as in past tense. That trumps what you need. It’s too late, buddy. You know what I need? Tony turns to everyone, slightly unstable. TONY (CONT'D) I need a shave and a burger, not a bowl of soup. (stands) And I believe I remember telling all of you, alive and otherwise, that we needed a suit of armor around the world, whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not- STEVE But that didn’t work out, did it? TONY I said we’d lose, you said we’d “do that together, too.” Guess what, Cap, we lost, and you weren’t there. But that’s what we do, right? Our best work after the fact? We’re the “Avengers”, not the “Pre-vengers-” RHODEY Tony, take it easy... TONY I’ve got nothing for ya, Cap. No coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero, zip, nada. No trust. (rips out RT) Here. You take this. You find him, you put this on, and hide. (drops to his knees) I’m fine! Tony COLLAPSES. Rhodey catches him. 8 9 INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CORRIDOR - DAY CAROL, STEVE, AND NATASHA stare through GLASS DOORS at TONY IN A HOSPITAL BED, PEPPER AND BANNER AT HIS SIDE. RHODEY STEPS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL ROOM. RHODEY Bruce gave him a sedative. Should be out the rest of the day. CAROL DANVERS (heading for the lab) Take care of him. When I come back, I’ll bring a bottle of Xorrian elixir. STEVE Where are you going? CAROL DANVERS To kill Thanos. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY NATASHA catches up to CAROL IN THE WORKSHOP. NATASHA Hey, hey, hang on. We’re sort of a team here. Between you and me, morale’s a little fragile. CAROL DANVERS Oh, I’m sorry. My fault. Carol sees Steve and Rhodey catch up. She claps her hands. CAROL DANVERS (CONT'D) All right, team! I’m going to go kill Thanos. Message me if you get any intel that can help. Otherwise, I’ll report back when he’s dead. Great work, everybody. STEVE Look, we realize “up there’s” more your territory, but this is our fight, too. RHODEY Do you even know where he is? 9 10 CAROL DANVERS I know people who might- NEBULA (O.S.) Don’t bother. They all turn to see NEBULA in THE LIVING AREA DOORWAY. NEBULA (CONT'D) I can tell you where Thanos is. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LIVING AREA - DAY STEVE, NATASHA, RHODEY, BANNER, ROCKET, THOR, and CAROL gather. NEBULA studies her robotic hand. NEBULA Thanos spent a long time trying to...perfect me. When he worked, he talked. About his Great Plan. Even disassembled, I wanted to please him. I’d ask, where would we go once his plan was complete? [His answer was always the same] “To the Garden.” RHODEY You’re saying Thanos had a retirement plan. STEVE Where’s this garden? ROCKET brings up EARTH on A HOLO-MAP. A BRIGHT SURGE OF ENERGY ENVELOPS THE PLANET (EMANATING FROM WAKANDA). ROCKET When Thanos snapped his fingers, Earth become ground zero for a power surge of ridiculously cosmic proportions. No one’s seen anything like it. He shifts the map, crossing billions of light years, to...AN IDENTICAL SURGE ENVELOPING A MYSTERIOUS, ORANGE PLANET. ROCKET (CONT'D) Until two days ago. NATASHA You’re saying he snapped his fingers again. Where? 10 11 Rocket zooms the holo-image toward a cluster of stars... NEBULA Planet is unnamed, but inhabitable. Rich atmosphere, good soil- STEVE A garden. BRUCE BANNER Thanos is there. And he just used the stones. Steve eyes everyone. THOR FINALLY LOOKS UP. BRUCE BANNER (CONT'D) (thinking of himself) You know, we’d be going short- handed. RHODEY Because he killed all our friends. ROCKET Are we saying they’re dead? We’re using that word now? RHODEY He’s still got the stones. CAROL DANVERS So, we take them. And we use them to bring everybody back. BRUCE BANNER Just like that? STEVE Yeah. Just like that. No one speaks. Finally... NATASHA If there’s even the smallest chance we can undo this, then we owe it to everyone who’s not sitting here to try. Everyone looks around the room...AGREED. BRUCE BANNER If we do this...why would it end any differently than it did before? 11 12 CAROL DANVERS Because before you didn’t have me. RHODEY Hey, new girl. All of us in here are about that superhero life. Where’ve you been all this time? CAROL DANVERS There’s a lot of people in the universe. And they didn’t all have you. THOR STANDS. He crosses to Carol and holds out his hand. STORMBREAKER WHIPS PAST HER HEAD, RUFFLING HER HAIR. Carol doesn’t flinch. Thor smiles. THOR I like this one. Steve stares at the planet a long, deciding moment. Then... STEVE Let’s go get that son of a bitch. SLAM TO: [TITLE] “AVENGERS: ENDGAME” INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - DAWN EVERYONE settles into their seats on the Benatar’s flight deck. STEVE WATCHES EARTH GROW SMALLER THROUGH THE WINDOW. CAROL DANVERS Trust me. You get used to it. ROCKET looks around from the pilot’s chair. ROCKET Okay, who here hasn’t been to space? STEVE, NATASHA, and RHODEY half-raise their hands. ROCKET (CONT'D) Oh, you’re gonna hate this. NEBULA Approaching jump in three, two... STEVE’S FINGERS TIGHTEN on the arm rest as... 12 13 EXT. BENATAR - DAWN WHOOSH! THE BENATAR WARPS, LEAPING INTO JUMP SPACE. EXT. SPACE - DAY WHOOSH! THE BENATAR ARRIVES ABOVE AN OMINOUS, ORANGE PLANET. As the ship maintains orbit, CAROL flies toward the planet. CAROL DANVERS I’ll head down for recon. If I’m not back in fifteen, you’ll know I found him. INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - SPACE OUR HEROES wait on the flight deck, tense. [NATASHA looks at STEVE, who’s staring at...A COMPASS] PEGGY CARTER’S YELLOWED PHOTO STILL RESTS INSIDE. NATASHA This is going to work, Steve. STEVE I know it will. (beat) Because I don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t. JUST THEN, CAROL FLIES UP TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GLASS. CAROL DANVERS (OVER COM) No satellites, no ships, no armies. No ground defenses of any kind. It’s just him. NEBULA That’s enough. The Avengers exchange a look. EXT. TITAN-2 - DAY SMOKE CURLS FROM THE CHIMNEY OF A SOLITARY LODGE. INT. THANOS’ LODGE - DAY A POT BOILS OVER A FIRE. Then...THANOS LIMPS TOWARD IT, LEFT SIDE PARALYZED, arm blackened. A shell of his former self. 13 14 He stirs the pot. Suddenly, AN ARMORED HAND BURSTS FROM THE FIRE, GRABBING THANOS’ GAUNTLET... PREVENTING THANOS FROM CLOSING HIS FIST. Thanos jerks back as HULKBUSTER SPRINGS INSIDE. CAROL AND RHODEY BASH THROUGH THE ROOF, PINNING THANOS’ ARMS. THOR crashes through the door, followed by the others. HE SWINGS STORMBREAKER...CUTTING OFF THANOS’ HAND. The Gauntlet lands at Rocket’s feet. He picks it up...and his face goes slack. He turns the glove toward the others. And we now realize...THE INFINITY STONES ARE GONE. STEVE Where are they? Thanos doesn’t answer. CAROL PRESSES HIM TO HIS KNEES. CAROL DANVERS Answer the question! THANOS The universe required correction. After that, the stones served no purpose beyond temptation. BRUCE BANNER You murdered trillions. THANOS You should be grateful. NATASHA Where are the stones? THANOS Gone. Reduced to atoms. BRUCE BANNER You used them two days ago! THANOS I used the stones to destroy the stones. It nearly killed me. But the work is done. It always will be. That lands, sickening. ROCKET SEARCHES, FRANTIC, NEAR TEARS. ROCKET No...they can’t be gone... 14 15 RHODEY He’s lying. NEBULA My father is many things. A liar is not one of them. THANOS Thank you, daughter. Perhaps I’ve treated you- SWOOSH. THOR’S AXE SEVERS THANOS’ HEAD FROM HIS BODY. IT HITS THE FLOOR, FOLLOWED BY THE THUD OF HIS HUGE FRAME. ROCKET What did you do? Thor just stares, his long journey a failure. THOR I went for the head. As Thor walks away, Steve looks at Thanos’ head on the ground. IT’S OVER. THEY LOST. FADE TO BLACK. [OVER BLACK] “FIVE YEARS LATER.” EXT. PORT OF NEW YORK - DAY A CAR CRUSHER flattens an Audi. THOUSANDS MORE NEVER-DRIVEN CARS LIE STACKED ON THE DOCKS, WAITING THEIR TURN. EXT. NEW YORK - DAY A HUGE TARP flaps over the shuttered LINCOLN CENTER. EXT. SHEA STADIUM - DAY A TEENAGE GIRL rides her skateboard, alone in a weed-filled parking lot. Pull back to see THE EMPTY STADIUM BEHIND HER. INT. BROOKLYN COMMUNITY CENTER - NIGHT A POSTER SHOWS A SINGLE FIGURE STARING AT A GROUP OF SHADOWS. IT READS, “WHERE DO WE GO, NOW THAT THEY’RE GONE?” The bottom reads, “BROOKLYN SUPPORT GROUP, TUESDAYS 8PM.” 15 16 A GRIEVING MAN speaks in A RECOVERY GROUP. GRIEVING MAN So, I went on a date the other day. JIMMY Good job, Bobby. Back in the game. GRIEVING MAN Thank you, Jimmy. (to the group) First in five years. I sat there at dinner thinking, what are we even supposed to talk about? STEVE ROGERS, thinner, older, LISTENS INTENTLY. STEVE What did you talk about? GRIEVING MAN Same old crap. How much things have changed. How much we miss the Mets. My job, his job. Then it got kind of quiet. He cried during the salads. OLDER MAN What about you? GRIEVING MAN I cried just before dessert. But I’m seeing him again tomorrow. So... STEVE That’s great. You’ve already done the hardest part. You took a jump, didn’t know where you’d come down. And that’s it, those little brave baby steps we’ve gotta take. To try to make us feel whole again, to find a purpose... (to everyone) I went into the ice right after I met the love of my life. Woke up seventy years later and...had to keep going. The group takes this in. 16 17 STEVE (CONT'D) The world’s been left in our hands. If we don’t do something with it...then Thanos might as well have killed all of us. People nod, but Steve seems unconvinced by his own words. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - DAY THE CAMERA ROTATES down from the sky onto a strangely quiet San Francisco, until it finds...A STORAGE WAREHOUSE. INT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE, UNIT 277 - DAY [LUIS’ VAN sits in a storage unit, surrounded by boxes] “S. LANG, KITCHEN, S. LANG, CLOTHES.” THROUGH THE VAN WINDOWS, we see...HANK PYM’S QUANTUM TUNNEL. A MEANDERING RAT CRAWLS ONTO THE CONTROLS. IT ACCIDENTALLY STEPS ON A TOGGLE SWITCH and...A LIGHT GOES GREEN. FLASH. THE BACK DOORS OF THE VAN BLOW OPEN, revealing...SCOTT LANG, ANT-MAN suit shorting. He retracts his helmet, gasping. INT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE, SECURITY OFFICE - DAY A GUARD reads THE TERMINAL BEACH, by J.G. Ballard. He looks [up at a monitor] SCOTT LANG holds up a sign, “HELP.” EXT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE - DAY A dented WAGON rolls over a speed-bump. Scott, in his old clothes, slowly wheels his belongings away. The Guard watches him go, puzzled. EXT. SAN FRANCISCO, STREET - DAY Scott walks A STREET OF ABANDONED HOMES. SCOTT LANG Hello? He hears A CLACKING. A KID on a bicycle rides by, playing card wedged between his spokes. Scott waves him down. The kid stops. 17 18 SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) Hey. Kid. What happened here? The kid says nothing. He just stares at Scott with a haunted look. Then he stands on his pedal and keeps riding. CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK-CLACK... EXT. SAN FRANCISCO, GOLDEN GATE PARK - DAY STONE MONUMENTS loom in a park. A small crowd mills. Reveal Scott looking over the monuments, lost. TIME CUT: [Scott walks up to the obelisks. At the top, they read] “THE VANISHED.” Hundreds of names line the stones. He scans the “L’s,” finally finding, “SCOTT LANG.” SCOTT LANG What? (realizing) Cassie... EXT. MAGGIE LANG’S HOUSE - DAY A winded Scott races up the sidewalk toward his old house. He leaps a bush, banging on the front door. SCOTT LANG Cassie! Cassie! SOON, A TEEN GIRL opens the door, shocked. A very long beat. CASSIE LANG Dad? SCOTT LANG Peanut? Scott wraps his arms around CASSIE LANG (14), now five years older than when he last saw her. She hugs him, CRYING. CASSIE LANG I thought you were gone. SCOTT LANG I’m sorry. I’m back...I’m back...I’m back... 18 19 EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, FRONT GATE - DAWN Avengers Compound stands amidst overgrown grass. Rusty chains lock the gate. [Faded signs warn] “RESTRICTED AREA. KEEP OUT.” INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LIVING AREA - NIGHT NATASHA SITS SURROUNDED BY HOLO-SCREENS FEATURING CAROL DANVERS, RHODEY, ROCKET AND NEBULA, AND OKOYE. ROCKET (HOLO) We boarded that “highly suspect warship” Danvers pinged. NATASHA And? NEBULA (HOLO) It was an infectious garbage scow. ROCKET (HOLO) So thanks for the hot tip- CAROL DANVERS (HOLO) You were closer. ROCKET (HOLO) And now we smell like garbage- NATASHA (to Okoye) You get a reading on those tremors? OKOYE (HOLO) Minor subduction in the African plate. NATASHA Do we have a visual? How are you handling it? OKOYE (HOLO) Nat. It was a mild earthquake. In the ocean. We handle it by not handling it. Natasha looks burdened. Rhodey steps in. 19 (MORE) 20 RHODEY (HOLO) I can have NASA redirect a satellite, do a sweep just to make sure. NATASHA Thanks. Carol, you’re still coming our way next month? CAROL DANVERS (HOLO) Not likely. ROCKET (HOLO) Getting another haircut? CAROL DANVERS (HOLO) Listen, fur-face, I’m covering a lot of territory out here. The things that have been happening on Earth have been happening everywhere else. On thousands of planets. You might not see me for a long time. NATASHA All right. Everybody keep keeping their eyes open. This channel’s always active. Anything goes sideways, anyone makes trouble where they shouldn’t, it comes through me. They ad lib their goodbyes as they sign off, except Rhodey. NATASHA (CONT'D) What’s up? Where are you? RHODEY (HOLO) Mexico. Got some news. NATASHA Okay... RHODEY Federalés found a room full of bodies outside Juarez. Cartel guys. Guns still in their pants. NATASHA Could be a rival hit- RHODEY But it wasn’t. Same MO as Marseille. And Kiev. (MORE) 20 RHODEY (CONT'D) 21 (beat) It’s definitely Barton. She nods, grim, reluctantly accepting. RHODEY (CONT'D) What he’s done here...what he’s been doing...I got to tell you, part of me doesn’t want to find him. Natasha just stares a long beat. NATASHA Find out where’s he going next. Rhodey nods, signing off. Natasha sits there, THEN CRUMPLES. After a long beat... STEVE (O.S.) I’d offer to cook you dinner but you seem sad enough already. Natasha turns to see STEVE in the doorway. NATASHA Come by to do your laundry? STEVE And see a friend. NATASHA Your friend’s fine. STEVE She leave the house today? NATASHA Nothing out there I particularly want to see. STEVE I spotted a pod of whales coming over the bridge. NATASHA (dubious) In the Hudson. STEVE Fewer ships, cleaner water. Just saying, there’s still a world out there. RHODEY (CONT'D) 21 22 NATASHA If you’re about to tell me to look on the bright side, I’m about to hit you with a peanut butter sandwich. Steve relents, LETTING DOWN HIS FACADE. STEVE Sorry. Force of habit. NATASHA I don’t know how you do it. Steve bites into the uneaten half of her sandwich. STEVE I guess I don’t know how not to. NATASHA Me, neither. After a long moment, Steve looks up at her, honest. STEVE I keep telling them, move on. Grow past it. And some of them actually do. But not us. NATASHA If I move on, who does this? STEVE Maybe it doesn’t need to be done. Natasha takes that in. Steve is thinking of giving up. She looks around at Avengers Compound. NATASHA I used to have nothing. Then I got this. This job, this family. And I was better because of it. She chokes slightly, collecting herself. NATASHA (CONT'D) And even though they’re gone, I’m still trying to be...better. STEVE I think we both need to get a life. NATASHA You first. 22 23 They stare at each other a long, melancholy moment. [THEN, WE HEAR A PING. NATASHA SWIPES TO A CCTV DISPLAY] SCOTT LANG’S FACE FILLS A SCREEN, LUIS’ VAN BEHIND HIM. SCOTT LANG (ON SCREEN) Hello? Is anyone home? This is, uh, Scott Lang? We met a few years ago. At the airport? STEVE This an old message? NATASHA (stunned) It’s the front gate. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - NIGHT SCOTT paces, mumbling to himself. STEVE (O.S.) Scott, are you okay? SCOTT LANG What? Yes. He turns to STEVE and NATASHA. SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) Have either of you guys ever studied quantum physics? NATASHA Only to make conversation. Steve glances at her. She shrugs. SCOTT LANG Well, five years ago, just before this Thanos guy...I went into a place called the Quantum Realm. It’s like its own microscopic universe. You can only get there if you’re incredibly small. Hope, she’s my...she was supposed to pull me out. But then Thanos happened. And I was stuck in there. NATASHA I’m sorry. It must’ve been a long five years. 23 24 SCOTT LANG (getting excited) Okay, but that’s the thing. It wasn’t. For me, it was only five hours. The rules in the Quantum Realm aren’t like out here. They’re completely unpredictable. Is anybody gonna eat that sandwich? STEVE Scott, what are you talking about? SCOTT LANG Time works differently in the Quantum Realm. Steve and Natasha share a look. SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) Problem is, right now, it’s chaos, there’s no way to navigate it. But what if we could figure out a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time...and come out in another. Like, before Thanos- STEVE Wait...wait. Scott. Are you talking about a time machine? SCOTT LANG No, not a machine. More like a... (searches, then gives up) Yeah, like a time machine. I know it sounds crazy... NATASHA Scott, I get emails from a raccoon. Nothing’s crazy anymore. SCOTT LANG So, who do we talk to about this? EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, UPSTATE NEW YORK - DAY LLAMAS and FARM ANIMALS GRAZE A RUSTIC-TECH ECO-COMPOUND. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, WOODS - DAY TONY approaches A WOODED GLADE near the house. 24 25 TONY Morgan H. Stark. Chow time. Want some lunch? Silence. Then MORGAN STARK (4) steps out of her play tent, wearing A PURPLE-BLUE IRON MAN HELMET (RESCUE). MORGAN STARK Define lunch or be disintegrated. TONY You should not be wearing that. It’s part of a special anniversary gift I made for Mom. You thinking about lunch? Tony gently takes the helmet off, revealing A YOUNG GIRL. TONY (CONT'D) Where’d you find this? MORGAN STARK Garage. Tony picks her up, walking toward the house. TONY You like going in the garage? So does Daddy. It’s all right. Mommy never wears what I buy her. TIME CUT: Tony and Morgan exit the woods. Suddenly, Tony stops. In the driveway, STEVE ROGERS stares at him. NATASHA AND SCOTT GET OUT OF THE CAR BEHIND HIM. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, PORCH - DAY STEVE, SCOTT, and NATASHA sit with TONY. TONY I just want to thank you folks for dropping by. It’s not every day one gets to contemplate biting it on an inter-dimensional timescape. NATASHA You’ve got some objections to the plan. 25 26 TONY So you’re calling it a plan. To me, it sounds like an exotic suicide method. Not to mention, it’s impossible. SCOTT LANG We know what it sounds like. STEVE Tony, after what you’ve seen, is anything really impossible? TONY Quantum fluctuation kinda messes with the Planck Scale, which then triggers the Deutsch Proposition, can we agree on that? (offering more tea) Chai? (back on message) In layman’s terms, it means you can cancel your Netflix subscription because you’re not coming home. SCOTT LANG I did. TONY Which was a billion-to-one cosmic fluke. Now you want to pull a- What are you calling it? SCOTT LANG A time heist. TONY Oh, of course, a time heist, why didn’t we think of this before? Right, because it’s a pipe dream. Who are you again? SCOTT LANG Still Scott... STEVE Tony, the Stones exist in the past. We could get them and bring them here. NATASHA We can snap our own fingers. We can bring everybody back. 26 27 TONY Or screw it up worse than he already has. STEVE I don’t believe we would. Tony stares at Steve, a lot of water under the bridge. TONY Gotta say it. Sometimes I’ve missed that giddy optimism. Sadly, all your high hopes won’t help me if there’s no logical, tangible way for me to safely execute said “time heist.” I believe the most likely outcome would be our collective demise. SCOTT LANG Not if we strictly follow the rules of time travel. No talking to our past selves. No betting on sporting events- TONY Stop, Scott. Stop. Are you telling me that your plan to save the universe is more than loosely based on Back to the Future? SCOTT LANG (meaning “yes”) No... TONY Good. Because that would be horseshit. Scientifically speaking, your brother’s picture doesn’t disappear just ‘cause you went to the dance with your mom. That’s not how quantum physics works. NATASHA We have to take a stand. TONY We did stand. And yet here we are. SCOTT LANG Look, Stark- Can I call you Tony? 27 28 TONY Please don’t- SCOTT LANG Tony- TONY Fine. SCOTT LANG I get that you’ve got a lot on the line, here. You’ve got a wife. A daughter. But I lost someone very important - a lot of us did - and now we have a chance to save her, and everyone else, and you won’t even- TONY No, Scott. I won’t. Even. Suddenly, MORGAN walks onto the porch. MORGAN STARK Mommy told me to come save you. Tony takes Morgan into his arms and heads inside. TONY Good job. I’m saved. (to Steve) I wish you were coming here to ask me something else. I’m honestly happy to see you. If you want to stay- Steve tries one last time. STEVE Tony, I get it. And I’m happy for you. I am. But this is a second chance. TONY Yeah, well, I got my second chance right here. I can’t roll the dice on it. The table is set for six. If you don’t talk shop, you’re welcome to stay for lunch. He exits. 28 29 EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND - DAY Steve, Natasha, and Scott walk toward the car. NATASHA He’s scared. STEVE He’s not wrong. SCOTT LANG What are we gonna do? We need him. You want to stop? STEVE No. I want to do it right. (beat) We’re going to need a really big brain. SCOTT LANG Bigger than his? EXT. DINER - NIGHT ONLOOKERS crowd a diner window, trying to peek inside. SCOTT LANG (O.S.) I’m confused. INT. DINER - NIGHT SMART HULK ROLLS UP A PIZZA AND EATS IT LIKE A BURRITO. SCOTT, STEVE, AND NATASHA SIT ACROSS FROM HIM. SMART HULK These are confusing times. SCOTT LANG No, that’s not what I’m- SMART HULK I’m kidding, I get it. It’s crazy. I wear shirts now! SCOTT LANG But why? SMART HULK Five years ago, we got our asses kicked, right? 29 --- 30 Smart Hulk eats a stack of pancakes in two bites. STEVE He’s heard. SMART HULK It was worse for me. Because I lost twice. First Hulk lost. Then Banner lost. Then we all lost. NATASHA No one blamed you, Bruce. SMART HULK I did- I feel like I’m the only one eating. Here, try some. He holds out a pizza. They decline. He shrugs. SMART HULK (CONT'D) Thing is, I kept thinking, it didn’t have to be that way. That the best of Banner and best of Hulk, if they’d worked together, maybe they could’ve stopped Thanos. SCOTT LANG Okay. But how did...this happen? SMART HULK For years I treated the Hulk like a disease, something to get rid of. But when I started treating him like the cure... Smart Hulk MESHES HIS FINGERS together. SMART HULK (CONT'D) Eighteen months in the Gamma Lab. I put the brains and the brawn together. And now look at me. Best of both worlds. TWO KIDS amble up to the booth. KID Mr. Hulk? Can we get a picture? SMART HULK 100%, little lady. The kid hands a phone to Steve. SMART HULK makes a duck face as Steve sheepishly snaps the pic, handing the phone back. 30 31 SMART HULK (CONT'D) (to the fan) Thanks, pal. Hulk out! STEVE So, Bruce, about what we said- SMART HULK The time travel do-over? I don’t know, that’s kind of outside my field of expertise... Natasha nods at his Smart Hulk-ness, history between them. NATASHA You pulled this off. I remember a time that was impossible, too. He considers, then finally relents, pulling out his phone. SMART HULK I’m supposed to be on Oprah next week, but I guess I could move things around. INT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, KITCHEN - NIGHT TONY STARK DOES DISHES. He rinses with the sprayer. It goes everywhere. He wipes down the counter, including... A PICTURE OF PETER PARKER. He stares. INT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, SIDE PORCH - NIGHT [Tony builds HOLO MODELS] Penrose diagrams, wormholes. He studies a STAR-SHAPED CAPACITOR, intrigued. TONY Friday, you up? FRIDAY Yes, sir. TONY I’ve had a mild inspiration, like to see if it checks out. I would like to run one last sim before we pack it in for the night. This time, in the shape of a Mobius Strip, inverted. 31 32 FRIDAY Processing. The model forms. TONY All right, give me the eigenvalue of that particle, factoring in spectral decomp. Run it. That’ll take a second. And don’t worry if it doesn’t pan out, I’m just kind of... THE CAPACITOR GLOWS. A HOLO-MAN DRIFTS INTO A CIRCULAR WORMHOLE, LOOPING...RETURNING TO THE PLACE IT FIRST LEFT. FRIDAY Model rendered. TONY (in awe) Shit. MORGAN STARK (O.S.) Shit. Tony turns to see HIS DAUGHTER in the doorway. TONY What are you doing up? MORGAN STARK Shit. TONY First of all, that’s a Mommy word, she coined it. MORGAN STARK Why are you up? TONY I just had something on my mind. MORGAN STARK Was it juice pops? TONY Correct. Great minds think alike. What kind do you want? 32 33 INT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, MORGAN’S ROOM - NIGHT Morgan eats A JUICE POP in bed. Tony watches. TONY You done? (finishing her popsicle) Now you are. MORGAN STARK Tell me a story. TONY Once upon a time, Maguna went to bed. The end. MORGAN STARK That was a bad story. He runs his hand over her hair. TONY Love you tons. MORGAN STARK Love you three thousand. TONY Wow, that’s a lot. Tony turns out the light, exits. INT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT [PHOTOS crowd a side table] Pepper, Morgan, Tony. Even one of HOWARD STARK, PEGGY CARTER & HANK PYM UNDER A SHIELD SYMBOL. Find...PEPPER, curled up on the couch reading. Then... TONY (O.S.) Out like a light. Don’t know how much she loves you but she loves me three thousand. PEPPER POTTS That’s up there. TONY What’re you reading? PEPPER POTTS A book about composting- 33 34 TONY I think I solved it. Pepper looks up. PEPPER POTTS Just so we’re both talking about the same thing- TONY Time travel. PEPPER POTTS That’s amazing. TONY Yeah. PEPPER POTTS And terrifying. TONY To say the least. He sits beside her. She stares, SHARING IN HIS DILEMMA. PEPPER POTTS We got really lucky- TONY I know- PEPPER POTTS Not everybody did. TONY I can’t help everybody. PEPPER POTTS Except, it sort of seems like you can. TONY Not if I stopped right here. PEPPER POTTS Tony, trying to get you to stop is one of the few failures of my life. TONY I could just lock the lab, put it in a trunk, sink it to the bottom of the lake, and go to bed. 34 35 PEPPER POTTS But could you rest? INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY SCOTT WAITS IN HIS ANT-MAN 2 QUANTUM SUIT IN FRONT OF THE OPEN VAN DOORS. SCOTT LANG You’re sure these modifications are safe? He looks over to...SMART HULK, WEARING READING GLASSES, MAKING ADJUSTMENTS TO A NEW CONTROL PANEL. SMART HULK I reran my calculations three times- SCOTT LANG Because the guy who invented this thing is pretty much a genius- SMART HULK I have seven PhD’s, an MD, the Hans Bethe Award for Physics, and I’m personal friends with Bill Nye the Science Guy. We’re good. SCOTT LANG Yeah. And you look like that on purpose. STEVE and NATASHA enter from outside. STEVE Breakers are set, emergency generator’s on stand-by. SMART HULK Good. If we blow the grid, I don’t want to lose Tiny back in the ‘50’s. SCOTT LANG Excuse me? NATASHA He was kidding. SMART HULK I was kidding. 35 36 NATASHA (to Hulk) You were kidding, right? SMART HULK Honestly, I have no idea. We’re attempting time travel. Either it’s all a joke, or none of it is. (loudly to Scott) We’re good! Helmet on. Scott puts on his helmet, slightly dubious. SMART HULK (CONT'D) Okay. I’m going to send you back one week, give you an hour to look around, then bring you back in ten seconds. Make sense? SCOTT LANG Perfectly not confusing. STEVE Good luck, Scott. You’ve got this. SCOTT LANG (inspired) Yes, I do, Captain America. Yes, I- SMART HULK PULLS A LEVER. SCOTT SHRINKS TO NOTHING. SMART HULK Counting down from three, two, one... SUDDENLY SCOTT REAPPEARS...BUT HE’S 12-YEARS-OLD. SCOTT LANG Uh, guys? This doesn’t feel right. NATASHA Is that Scott? SMART HULK Probably...? He scrambles, hitting buttons. SCOTT SHRINKS TO NOTHING. STEVE Get him back! Smart Hulk flips a switch. SCOTT REAPPEARS...AT AGE 93. 36 37 SCOTT LANG Oh, my back! NATASHA Bruce! Get it under control. What the hell is going on? SMART HULK I got it, I know exactly what’s going on. Pretty much. SCOTT SHRINKS TO NOTHING AGAIN. HULK TYPES FRANTICALLY with A PENCIL, fingers too big for the keys. 2-YEAR OLD SCOTT APPEARS. NATASHA Oh, my God. STEVE It’s a baby. SMART HULK It’s Scott. STEVE As a baby! Smart Hulk hits a button. Baby Scott disappears. SMART HULK When I tell you, kill the power! (throwing a switch) Now! NATASHA KILLS THE POWER. Normal Scott stumbles off the pad. SCOTT LANG Somebody peed my pants. I don’t know if it was baby-me or old-me. Or just me-me. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY Steve leans on the wall, discouraged. Then he hears AN ENGINE ROAR. AN AUDI races up the drive. It stops, the window rolling down to reveal...TONY. TONY Why the long face? Wild guess, he turned into a baby? 37 38 STEVE Among other things. TONY (getting out of the car) EPR Paradox. Instead of pushing Lang through time, you were pushing time through Lang. It’s dangerous. I probably should’ve cautioned you against it. STEVE You did. TONY Thank god, I’m here. Regardless, I fixed it. He holds up...HIS STAR-SHAPED CAPACITOR. TONY (CONT'D) That is a fully-functioning, time- space GPS. I just want peace. Resentment is corrosive. I hate it. STEVE Me, too. Something eases between them, for the first time in years. TONY We’ve got a shot at the Stones. I just need you to know my priorities. Bring back everyone we lost, hopefully. Keep what I found, definitely. And, let’s not die trying. Steve looks at Tony. Finally, he offers his hand. STEVE Sounds like a deal. They shake. This is a long time coming. Finally... TONY But wait, there’s more. Act now, and it comes with a bonus offer. Tony pops the trunk. Steve stares, moved, at...HIS SHIELD. STEVE Tony, I don’t know- 38 39 TONY What’s to know? He made it for you. Plus, I gotta get it out of the garage before Morgan takes it sledding. Steve finally picks up the shield, SLIDING IT ONTO HIS ARM. STEVE Thank you, Tony. Tony chokes up, then covers by slamming the trunk. TONY Just don’t flaunt it. I didn’t bring enough for the whole team. We are getting the whole team, right? STEVE We’re trying. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY SCOTT sits on a bench, eating a hardshell taco. THEN A MASSIVE EXHAUST WIND BLASTS HIM, blowing his taco away. THE BENATAR lands outside AVENGERS COMPOUND. NEBULA AND ROCKET EMERGE. Rocket waits at the end of the gangway. ROCKET Hey, Humie. Where’s Big Green? SCOTT LANG Um, kitchen, I think. Scott tries a smile at Nebula. She just hits her COM: NEBULA (INTO COM) Rhodey, careful on re-entry. There’s an idiot in the landing zone. She goes in. THEN, WHAM, WAR MACHINE LANDS, STARTLING SCOTT. SCOTT LANG Oh, my God! RHODEY What’s up, Regular-Sized Man? Rhodey goes inside as SMART HULK walks out, carrying an overnight bag. He hands Scott some tacos. 39 40 ROCKET Finally. I ain’t got all day. SMART HULK I call shotgun! As he walks up the Benatar’s gangway, PRE-LAP A METALLIC SCRAPING SOUND. EXT. NEW ASGARD - DAY The scraping goes on as we see...A NORWEGIAN FISHING VILLAGE. [Tilt to a sign] “NEW ASGARD,” in English and ASGARDIAN RUNES. [A PICK-UP passes, scraping the pavement] SMART HULK AND ROCKET SIT IN BACK, WEIGHING DOWN THE TRUCK. EXT. NEW ASGARD, VILLAGE - DAY SMART HULK AND ROCKET WALK THROUGH TOWN. ASGARDIANS IN EARTHLY CLOTHES EYE THEM WITH SUSPICION. ROCKET What the heck are they looking at? SMART HULK I’m kind of famous... ROCKET Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. Kind of a step down from golden palaces and magic hammers... SMART HULK They lost Asgard, then half their people. Maybe they’re just happy to have a home. VALKYRIE (O.S.) You shouldn’t have come. VALKYRIE approaches from the pier. Smart Hulk GRINS. SMART HULK Hey, Valkyrie! Great to see you! He goes for a hug...VAL DOESN’T. She studies the new him. VALKYRIE Uh huh. I liked you better either of the other ways. 40 41 SMART HULK This is Rocket. ROCKET Hey. VALKYRIE Hey. (to both) He won’t see you. SMART HULK We didn’t say we were here to see- VALKYRIE Great, then you can hose out the gut buckets- ROCKET We’re definitely here to see him. VALKYRIE He can’t give you what you need. SMART HULK It’s that bad? VALKYRIE We only see him once a month. When he comes in for “supplies.” She nods to A DOZEN BEER KEGS STACKED OUTSIDE A PUB. EXT. NEW ASGARD, CABIN - DAY Smart Hulk and Rocket knock on the door of A CABIN. Nothing. INT. NEW ASGARD, CABIN - DAY SMART HULK opens the door. PIZZA BOXES and LIQUOR BOTTLES litter the floor. Rocket recoils. ROCKET Something died in here. SMART HULK Hello...? Thor...? THOR (O.S.) Are you here about the cable? We hear a HEAVY SHUFFLING as someone approaches. 41 42 THOR (CONT'D) Cinemax went out two days ago, and the sports are all...fuzzy... THOR enters, CONFUSED, A LITTLE DRUNK, SHIRTLESS...AND TREMENDOUSLY FAT. Rocket and Hulk stare. SMART HULK Thor? THOR BROS! Bring it in! Thor hugs Smart Hulk. He turns to Rocket, who steps back. ROCKET Yeah, I’m good. THOR Hulk, you know my boys, Korg and Miek, right? KORG and MIEK sit on the couch, playing Playstation 4. KORG Beer’s in the bucket. Feel free to log on to the WiFi. SMART HULK Hey, guys. Long time no- KORG Thor! This kid on the TV just called me a dickhead! THOR Noobmaster again? KORG NoobMaster69 called me a dickhead- Thor snatches KORG’S HEADSET and hisses into the mic. THOR Noobmaster, this is Thor, again. God of Thunder. This is your last warning. Log off this game or I will come to your basement, rip off your arms and shove them up your butt. (handing the headset back) Right, who wants a drink? 42 (MORE) 43 SMART HULK AND ROCKET JUST STARE. Thor pulls a beer from the fridge, and whacks the cap against STORMBREAKER. SMART HULK Hey, buddy, are you all right? THOR Don’t I look all right? ROCKET (under his breath) You look like melted ice cream- THOR So, what’s up? Just here for a hang? SMART HULK We need your help. There’s a chance we can fix everything. THOR Like the cable? It’s driving me bananas. SMART HULK Like Thanos. THOR GRABS HULK’S SHIRT, INTENSE. KORG RISES FROM THE COUCH. THOR Don’t say that name. KORG Yeah, we don’t say that name in here. Smart Hulk looks down at THOR’S HAND STILL ON HIS SHIRT. SMART HULK Please take your hand off me. Thor looks into Hulk’s eyes...and gently removes his hand. SMART HULK (CONT'D) Now, I know the thought of...that guy might scare you- THOR Scared? Why would I be scared of that guy? I’m the one who killed that guy, remember? (looking around) Anyone else here kill that guy? (MORE) 43 THOR (CONT'D) 44 Didn’t think so. Korg, tell everyone who chopped Thanos’ head off. KORG Stormbreaker? Thor uncaps a whiskey bottle. BLAM, IT SHATTERS IN HIS HAND. Reveal...ROCKET, BLASTER SMOKING. THOR Not. Cool. Man. ROCKET Don’t. Care. Dude. SMART HULK Look, I get it. You’re in a rough patch. I’ve been there. But you know who helped me out of it? THOR Was it Natasha? SMART HULK It was you. You helped me. And I need you to help me again. THOR Ask the Asgardians down there how much “my help” is worth. ROCKET At least they’re alive- THOR They were gods! Now they’re fisherpeople! (sagging into a chair) The ones that are left, anyway. SMART HULK That’s the thing. I think we can bring them back. Thor’s tempted, but shakes his head. THOR Stop. Stop. I know you think I’m down here, wallowing in my own self- pity, waiting to be rescued. But I’m fine. I’m happy. Whatever it is you’re offering, don’t care. Couldn’t care less. THOR (CONT'D) 44 45 Hulk and Rocket stare at Thor. SMART HULK Come on, pal. We need you. He still can’t meet their gaze. Finally... ROCKET There’s beer in the ship. THOR (beat) What kind? EXT. TOKYO - NIGHT A KARAOKE BAR LIES IN RUINS AS A TINNY POP SONG PLAYS. BLOOD POOLS BENEATH DEAD YAKUZA THUGS, UZIS JUST OUT OF REACH OF THEIR TATTOOED HANDS. [TITLE] “TOKYO.” AS WE PULL BACK...THE MUSIC FADES, REPLACED BY A SOFT CRYING. A TERRIFIED HOSTESS DARTS FROM COVER, WIPING AWAY THE CHYRON. KEEP PULLING BACK...PAST A CAR SMASHED THROUGH THE FRONT WINDOW, TATTOOED DRIVER SLUMPED OVER THE WHEEL, GUN IN HAND. WE HEAR RAIN, A REVVING ENGINE, AND THEN GUNFIRE. PULL ONTO THE SIDEWALK, TURNING JUST AS A MOTORCYCLE CRASHES, RIDER TUMBLING PAST US IN A WHITE MOHAWKED HELMET. ANOTHER MOTORCYCLE RACES TOWARD US, BUT... WHFT-WHFT, TWO ARROWS SEND THE RIDER SKIDDING INTO A WALL, TIRES SQUEALING AS THE BIKE SPINS HELPLESSLY ON ITS SIDE. CAMERA TURNS TOWARD AN ALCOVE, WHERE A YAKUZA THUG TUMBLES OFF THE STAIRS AS... A MASKED FIGURE HEADS UP, STOPPING MOMENTARILY TO DRAW HIS TELESCOPING BLADE. BEHIND THE SMOKED GLASS OF SECOND FLOOR WINDOWS, THE FIGURE FIGHTS ANOTHER THUG. THEN... CRASH, THE THUG COMES SMASHING THROUGH THE WINDOW. THUD. WHIP THROUGH THE RAIN TO THE UPPER FLOORS OF THE BUILDING. GUNFIRE FLASHES AS THE FIGHT CONTINUES PAST THREE WINDOWS... 45 46 SUDDENLY, THE FOURTH WINDOW SHATTERS AS A YAKUZA BOSS, AKIHIKO, LEAPS OVER THE SIDEWALK... LANDING ON THE METAL AWNING OF A NOODLE SHOP. HE ROLLS TO THE WET STREET, LANDING HARD ON HIS ANKLE. THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE GRACEFULLY LEAPS AFTER HIM, BOUNCING OFF THE AWNING AND DROPPING TO THE STREET BELOW. RACK UP TO GET OUR BEST LOOK YET AT...RONIN. HARD-SET EYES STARE AT AKIHIKO THROUGH A BLACK MASK. THEY BATTLE. AKIHIKO (Japanese, subtitled) Why are you doing this? We never did anything to you! RONIN (Japanese, subtitled) You survived. Half the planet didn’t. They got Thanos. You get me. Akihiko attacks. Ronin slashes him across the middle. RONIN (CONT'D) (Japanese, subtitled) You’re done hurting people. Akihiko gestures at the bodies in the street. AKIHIKO We hurt people? You’re crazy. Ronin slashes Akihiko’s throat. The man drops to his knees. AKIHIKO (CONT'D) Wait! Help me! I’ll give you anything! What do you want? RONIN What I want...you can’t give me. Ronin finishes him off. AKIHIKO GOES STILL. SIRENS WAIL. Ronin removes his mask, revealing... CLINT BARTON, haggard. He hears A FOOTFALL. He whirls, katana raised...then stops. His face goes slack as... NATASHA STEPS INTO A POOL OF LIGHT, A LARGE BLACK UMBRELLA KEEPING HER FROM THE RAIN. They stare at each other. Clint hasn’t seen her in years. She hasn’t seen what he’s become. 46 -- 47 CLINT BARTON You shouldn’t be here. NATASHA Neither should you. CLINT BARTON I’ve got a job to do. NATASHA That what you’re calling this? She moves even closer. He stiffens. NATASHA (CONT'D) Killing these people isn’t going to bring your family back. (beat) We found something. A chance, maybe... CLINT BARTON Don’t. NATASHA Don’t what? CLINT BARTON Give me hope. NATASHA I’m just sorry I couldn’t give it sooner. CLINT DISSOLVES, sagging into her arms. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY THOR STANDS WITH A BEER IN A COZY, staring at A NEW QUANTUM TUNNEL (2.0), AFFIXED WITH TONY’S CAPACITOR. TONY (O.S.) Out of the way, Lebowski. Thor shuffles aside as Tony blows past. TONY (CONT'D) Hey, Ratchet, you get lost in there? ROCKET (O.S.) It’s Rocket, and shut up. You’re only a genius on Earth, pal. 47 48 TONY And you’re only in there because you have tiny hands. ROCKET, COVERED IN GREASE, WRIGGLES OUT A HATCH. ROCKET Fixed it. TONY Thank you. ROCKET Get used to saying that. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY SMART HULK fits SCOTT with A BRAND NEW TIME SUIT. NEBULA ASSISTS. RHODEY enters the workshop, eyeing the suit. RHODEY Time travel suit, I like it. SMART HULK awkwardly tries to fit a pair of RED TEST TUBES INTO THE TIME SUIT’S BELT. SCOTT LANG Easy, easy. Careful with those. SMART HULK I’m being very careful- SCOTT LANG You’re being very Hulky- Scott takes the tubes from him and inserts them, himself. SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) These are Pym Particles. You can’t shrink to the Quantum Realm without them, and since Hank Pym got snapped out of existence, we can’t make any more. I told you. We’ve only got enough for one round trip each, no do-overs. Scott gently clicks the tubes into their housing. SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) Plus two test runs- SUDDENLY, SCOTT SHRINKS INTO NOTHING, THEN GROWS BACK. He takes that in... 48 49 SCOTT LANG (CONT'D) One test run. (embarrassed) Okay, maybe I’m not ready. CLINT BARTON (O.S.) I’m game. They turn to see CLINT leaning in the doorway. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) I’ll do it. TIME CUT: NOW, CLINT WEARS THE TIME SUIT. Scott looks on, sulky. SMART HULK, RHODEY, and NEBULA attach the Pym housing. SMART HULK Okay, Clint, you might feel a little disoriented when you chronoshift- RHODEY Hang on, I’ve got to ask, if we can do this, why don’t we just go find baby Thanos and, you know... Rhodey makes a STRANGLING GESTURE. SMART HULK Uh, one, because that’s horrible. And, two, killing baby Thanos doesn’t kill adult Thanos. Time doesn’t work like that. You can’t change the future by changing the past. SCOTT LANG Sure, we can. We take the stones before Thanos gets them, then he doesn’t have them. Problem solved. NEBULA That’s not how it works. CLINT BARTON I don’t know. That is kind of what I’ve heard- SMART HULK Heard from who? 49 50 RHODEY Star Trek. Terminator. Bill and Ted’s Excellent- SMART HULK WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THIS? THAT’S NOT TRUE. IF YOU TRAVEL TO THE PAST, THEN THAT PAST HAS BECOME YOUR PRESENT, AND YOUR FORMER PRESENT HAS BECOME THE PAST, WHICH NOW CAN’T BE CHANGED BY YOUR NEW FUTURE! NEBULA Exactly. RHODEY Excuse me? Scott leans over, whispering: SCOTT LANG Apparently, Back to the Future is bullshit. CLINT BARTON Look, are we doing this or not? INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY CLINT WAITS ALONE ON THE PLATFORM, WEARING THE TIME SUIT. SMART HULK readies THE QUANTUM CONSOLE as ROCKET, RHODEY, NEBULA, THOR, and STEVE look on. SMART HULK Okay, Clint. Starting in three, two, one... Clint nods over at them, determined. SUDDENLY, HE STRETCHES, SHRINKS, AND VANISHES. WHOOSH. EXT. BARTON HOME, BARN - DAY Through the slats of a barn, we see a tractor. ENERGY FLARES, REVEALING CLINT BARTON IN A TIME SUIT. He walks to the open door, staring at...HIS OLD HOME. 50 51 EXT./INT. BARTON HOME, FRONT PORCH - DAY Clint climbs the porch. He accidentally kicks...A BASEBALL MITT. Then he hears VOICES. He stares into the house through THE SCREEN DOOR. From the sounds of it, LAURA and THE KIDS are making dinner. HIS DAUGHTER LAUGHS. Clint’s face crumples. Just then...HIS [QUANTUM CUFF VIBRATES. A SCREEN COUNTS DOWN] 0:03. CLINT BARTON No. Not yet... (opening the door) LILA! BUT HIS BODY STARTS TO GLOW. 0.01- CLINT VANISHES. THE SCREEN DOOR SLAMS. After a moment, LILA runs in. LILA BARTON Dad? INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY CLINT APPEARS ON THE PAD, SHAKEN. TONY and NATASHA approach. NATASHA Are you all right? Hey, look at me. You okay? TONY Tell me something good... Clint looks up, tearful. He holds out THE BASEBALL MITT. CLINT BARTON It worked. It worked. Reveal Steve, Smart Hulk, Nebula, Rhodey, Scott, Thor, and Rocket, looking on. ROCKET Holy crap. We’re freaking time travelers. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LIVING AREA, DAY 1 - DAY (MOCO) [On a HOLO-BOARD] “MIND, SPACE, TIME, POWER, REALITY, SOUL.” Above each word hovers...ITS ARTIFACT: LOKI’S SCEPTER, THE TESSERACT, THE EYE OF AGAMOTTO, THE ORB, THE AETHER CONTAINER, AND A QUESTION MARK. 51 52 STEVE Okay. Now that we’ve got how, we’re going to need where and when. NEBULA, TONY, RHODEY, SCOTT, SMART HULK, ROCKET, NATASHA, and CLINT look on. STEVE (CONT'D) Most folks here have encountered at least one of the six Infinity Stones- TONY I think you mean nearly been killed by one of the six Infinity Stones. SCOTT LANG I haven’t. (off their looks) Just...saying. SMART HULK Regardless, we’ve only got enough Pym Particles for one round trip, each. And the Stones have been in a lot of places throughout history. TONY Our history. Not all of them are going to be a fun drop-in. CLINT BARTON Which means we’ve got to pick our targets. STEVE Exactly. (he taps “REALITY”) Let’s start with the Aether. Thor, what do we know? Everyone looks toward...THOR, slumped over. NATASHA Is he asleep? RHODEY I’m pretty sure he’s dead. DISSOLVE TO: [THOR sulks, looking at the Aether Container Holo] “REALITY” [Locations are listed] “SVARTALFHEIM, KNOWHERE, LONDON.” 52 (MORE) 53 THOR The Aether’s not a stone, it’s more of an angry sludge. My grandfather hid it from Dark Elves in a rock between dimensions that can only be accessed every 5000 years. HIS ROBOTIC EYE drifts off in the wrong direction. Thor bangs his head, resetting his eye. THOR (CONT'D) Or...by Jane. She stuck her hand in a rock. Then the Aether stuck itself inside her. Then I took her to Asgard. We were dating... (depressed) We’re not anymore. Everyone stares. DISSOLVE TO: INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LIVING AREA, DAY 2 - DAY (MOCO) [CLOSE ON a holo image of THE ORB] “POWER.” Locations are [listed] “MORAG ?-2014, KYLN 2014, XANDAR 2014-2018.” FIND ROCKET AS HE SLURPS FROM A CONTAINER OF LO MEIN. ROCKET Quill said he stole the Power Stone from Morag. He paces on top of the table, past SMART HULK EATING A PINT OF “HUNKA HULKA BURNING FUDGE.” SMART HULK That’s a person? ROCKET It’s a planet. Quill was a person. SCOTT LANG Wait, like a planet...in space? Rocket pinches Scott’s cheek. ROCKET Aw, look. It’s like a puppy, all happy and everything. (MORE) 53 ROCKET (CONT'D) 54 You want to go to space, puppy? I’ll take you to space. DISSOLVE TO: INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, SITTING AREA - DAY Scott, Steve, Natasha, Clint, Rocket, and Smart Hulk sit quietly, listening to Nebula. NEBULA Thanos found the Soul Stone on Vormir. NATASHA And that is...? NEBULA A dominion of death at the very center of celestial existence. (beat) It’s the place where Thanos murdered my sister. That hangs heavily. A moment passes. Then... SCOTT LANG Not it. DISSOLVE TO: INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, OFFICE - DAY, EARLY Tony, Natasha, and Smart Hulk hash it out. NATASHA So this ‘Time Stone’ guy...what kind of doctor was he? SMART HULK Strange? TONY Cross between ear-nose-and-throat and rabbit-from-hat. SMART HULK Had a nice place in the Village. TONY Yeah. Sullivan Street. ROCKET (CONT'D) 54 55 SMART HULK Bleecker. TONY Sullivan and Bleecker. They’re cross streets. NATASHA Wait, he lived in New York? Guys, pick the right year and there were three stones in New York. SMART HULK (beat) Shut the front door... INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LIVING AREA, DAY 3 - DAY STEVE blocks our view. STEVE Okay, we have a plan. Six stones, three teams, one shot. He steps away, revealing the board... EVERYONE EYES THE TANGLE OF LINES CONNECTING SIX STONES TO FOUR LOCATIONS TO TWO YEARS TO TEN HEROES. IT’S INSANE. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAWN DAWN RISES OUTSIDE HUGE WINDOWS. OUR HEROES MARCH PAST IN THEIR TIME SUITS. STEVE (O.S.) Five years ago, we lost. All of us. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY THE HEROES GATHER ON THE QUANTUM PLATFORM. STEVE We lost friends. We lost family. We lost a part of ourselves. (beat) But today we have a chance to take it all back. [Steve takes in the groupings of heroes] RHODEY & NEBULA, NAT & CLINT, THOR & ROCKET, TONY & SCOTT. 55 56 STEVE (CONT'D) You have your teams and you have assignments. Get your stone, and get back here. One round trip each. No mistakes. No do-overs. He grips HIS SHIELD. STEVE (CONT'D) Most of us are going back to places we know. That doesn’t mean we know what to expect. Be careful. Look out for each other. Improvise, if you have to. (looking around) This is the fight of our lives. And we’re going to win. (beat) Whatever it takes. The platform stays quiet. Rocket WHISPERS to Scott: ROCKET He’s pretty good at that... Scott nods enthusiastically. TONY (to Smart Hulk) All right, you heard the man. Stroke those keys, Jolly Green. Smart Hulk taps in commands with HIS PENCIL. LIGHTS ILLUMINATE EACH PAD. SMART HULK Tracking beacons engaged. [Clint checks his pocket] A SHRUNKEN BENATAR sits inside. ROCKET You promise to bring that thing back in one piece? CLINT BARTON Yeah, sure thing. I’ll do my best. ROCKET That’s pretty lame, as far as promises go. SMART HULK STEPS ONTO THE PLATFORM, COMPLETING THE LINEUP. THE PLATFORM BEGINS TO VIBRATE. NATASHA LOOKS AROUND. 56 57 NATASHA See you in a minute. SMART HULK Actually, it’ll be closer to seven or eight microseconds, give or- SUDDENLY, THEY STRETCH AND VANISH, SHRINKING AWAY. WHOOSH. THE QUANTUM CONSOLE STOPS VIBRATING. HULK’S PENCIL SLOWLY ROLLS TOWARD THE EDGE...AND DROPS OFF- EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY (AVENGERS 1) [TITLE] NEW YORK, 2012 THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK RAGES. IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL, THE AVENGERS GATHER IN A CIRCLE, FACING IMPOSSIBLE ODDS. At the same time, just a block away... EXT. NEW YORK CITY, ALLEY - CONTINUOUS (AVENGERS 1) FLASH! STEVE, SMART HULK, TONY, and SCOTT arrive at the mouth of an alley, just out of sight. TONY Okay, Park Avenue’s that way. Let’s huddle up. Suits off. They all touch their cuffs, RETRACTING THEIR TIME SUITS. STEVE We’ve all got our assignments. Two stones uptown, one stone down. Stay low, keep an eye on time- Just then, A1 HULK BOUNDS DOWN THE STREET SMASHING THINGS. STEVE (CONT'D) And Bruce? Maybe smash a few things along the way. For appearances. SMART HULK (taking off his shirt) All right, but I have to say, it seems gratuitous. He half-heartedly smashes a few cars. 57 58 SMART HULK (CONT'D) Grrr...grrr... EXT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM, ROOF - DAY (AVENGERS 1) THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK RAGES. CHITAURI CHARIOTS ZOOM OVER THE VILLAGE. SUDDENLY...BOOM, THE CHARIOTS EXPLODE. ON ONE SIDE OF THE SANCTUM ROOF, A TINY, HOODED FIGURE hurls jagged mandalas into the sky. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOF...SMART HULK LANDS. He heads for a door, but... ANCIENT ONE (O.S.) I’d be careful going that way... He turns to find...THE ANCIENT ONE STARING AT HIM. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) We just had the floors waxed. SMART HULK THINKS, THEN GROWLS, TRYING TO INTIMIDATE HER. SMART HULK Hulk...does what...Hulk want? ANCIENT ONE Yes, I suppose that would be the case- JUST THEN, ON THE ROOF OPPOSITE, A1 HULK TACKLES A CHITAURI CHARIOT, RIPPING IT IN HALF. HE ROARS, LEAPING AWAY. Smart Hulk blinks, sheepish. The Ancient One looks at him. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) Care to explain? SMART HULK I’m looking for Dr. Strange. ANCIENT ONE You’re about five years too early. Stephen Strange is currently performing surgery, 20 blocks that way. What do you want with him? He finally notices THE EYE OF AGAMOTTO HANGING FROM HER NECK. SMART HULK Well, that, actually. 58 59 ANCIENT ONE Ah. I’m afraid not. SMART HULK I’m seriously sorry but...I wasn’t asking. Smart Hulk cracks his knuckles and moves in. She smiles. ANCIENT ONE You don’t want to do this. SMART HULK You’re right, I don’t. But I need that stone, and I don’t have a lot of time to debate it- He reaches for it. THE ANCIENT ONE SLAMS HER PALM INTO HIS CHEST AND BLASTS BRUCE BANNER RIGHT OUT OF SMART HULK. “ASTRAL BANNER” hangs in the air, staring at his frozen Smart Hulk body. He looks at his human hands, overwhelmed. ASTRAL BANNER No, no, no- She topples Smart Hulk’s body with one finger. Whump. ANCIENT ONE Now. Let’s start over, shall we? INT. ASGARD, PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY (THOR 2) [TITLE] ASGARD, 2013 AN ASGARDIAN MAIDEN stands at JANE’S ROOM, handing over A GREEN DRESS. MAIDEN (O.S.) For you, Lady Jane. JANE FOSTER (O.S.) Um, do you have anything with...pants? MAIDEN (O.S.) Pants? JANE FOSTER (O.S.) It’s okay. Nevermind. Pull back to...ROCKET AND THOR, WATCHING from behind a crypt. Rocket holds a syringe-like EXTRACTION DEVICE. 59 60 THOR That’s Jane. ROCKET Okay, here’s the deal. You’re going to charm her, and I’m going to poke her with this thing, extract the Reality Stone, and get gone lickety-split. Thor looks off in the other direction, anxious. THOR Um, I’ll be right back. The wine cellar is just down here. My father used to have this barrel of Aakonian ale. Felt like getting hit in the face with a poleaxe. I’ll see if the scullery has a couple of to-go cups- They hear SOMEONE APPROACHING. Rocket yanks Thor back as...FRIGGA AND HER HANDMAIDENS ENTER THE CORRIDOR. FRIGGA Send Loki some soup. I don’t think he’s eating. And ask our librarians to pull some volumes from the astronomy shelves. He won’t read them, but at least they’ll keep him company. Thor watches Frigga and her coterie disappear down the hall. ROCKET Who’s the fancy broad? THOR My mother. She dies today. ROCKET Oh, jeez. Thor starts to sweat. THOR I can’t do this. This is a bad idea. I can’t do this... Rocket climbs onto a marble monument. ROCKET Come here. 60 (MORE) 61 Thor steps closer. ROCKET SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE. ROCKET (CONT'D) You think you’re the only one who’s lost people? What do you think we’re doing here? I lost the only family I ever had. Quill, Groot, Drax, the chick with the antenna. All gone. I’ve lived five meaningless years without them, and every minute has blown Aaskvarian gornads. I get you miss your mom. But she’s gone. Really gone. There are plenty of people who are only kind of gone. And you can help them. So, is it too much to ask that you brush the crumbs out of your beard, make shmoopy talk to Prettypants, and when she’s not looking, suck out the Infinity Stone, and help me get my family back? Thor stares at him a long moment. He wipes his tears away. THOR I guess not. ROCKET Good. THOR Thank you. I can do this. ROCKET Great. As Rocket scurries to Jane’s door, Thor murmurs to himself. THOR I can do this...I can do this... (beat) I can’t do this... ROCKET (peering through keyhole) All right, heartbreaker. This is our shot... Rocket turns to find...THOR NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. ROCKET (CONT'D) Thor? (holding his temples) (MORE) 61 ROCKET (CONT'D) 62 I can kill him, and say the Elves did it. EXT. MORAG - DAY (GUARDIANS) [TITLE] MORAG, 2014 STIFF WINDS PELT THE SURFACE OF MORAG. RHODEY STEERS NEBULA AS SHE LOWERS THE ESCAPE POD FROM THE NOW FULL-SIZED BENATAR. RHODEY That’s it, right on that line, Blue. Keep dropping it. Nearby, CLINT SURVEYS THE PLANET. GEYSERS EXPLODE. CLIFFS LOOM. AN ORLONI bites NATASHA’s boot. She kicks it away. CLINT BARTON (to Rhodey) Hey, can we hurry it up? NATASHA Yeah, come on, chop chop, we’re on the clock, here. RHODEY All that? Really helpful! TIME CUT: Clint and Natasha board the Benatar. Rhodey and Nebula remain on the planet’s surface. NATASHA Take care of yourself. RHODEY Get that stone and come back. No messing around. You guys watch each other’s six. TIME CUT: BESIDE THE POD, RHODEY AND NEBULA WATCH THE BENATAR TAKE OFF. NEBULA Coordinates for Vormir are laid in. All they have to do is not fall out. ROCKET (CONT'D) 62 63 INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - DAY (GUARDIANS) Clint laughs, watching Natasha expertly pilot a spaceship. NATASHA What? CLINT BARTON Nothing. Just...we’re a long way from Budapest. NATASHA (pushing the throttle) Further every second. EXT. MORAG - DAY (GUARDIANS) RHODEY SCANS THE LANDSCAPE. RHODEY So, all we have to do is hang out, wait for this Quill guy, and follow him to the Power Stone, right? NEBULA Let’s take cover. We’re not the only ones in this reality looking for the stones. RHODEY Hey, who are you talking about right now? Who else is looking for the stones? NEBULA My father. My sister. And me. MOVE IN ON RHODEY, CONCERNED. RHODEY You? Where are you? CUT TO: EXT. BATTLEFIELD, ALIEN PLANET - DAY BAD NEBULA CUTS DOWN A KORBINITE SOLDIER WITH DUAL BLADES. She leads Thanos’ troops onward as they lay waste to the Korbinite home world. JUST THEN... 63 64 BLAM! A GRENADE KNOCKS BAD NEBULA TO HER KNEES. TWO KORBINITE RIFLEMEN BEAR DOWN ON HER. Suddenly, A GREEN BLUR LEAPS IN, SLICING THE RIFLEMEN’S THROATS. THE TWO HUGE SOLDIERS DROP... REVEALING GAMORA looking down at her sister. Beat. GAMORA You’re welcome? BAD NEBULA I didn’t ask for your help. GAMORA And yet you always need it. Father wants us back on the ship. Gamora offers her hand. Bad Nebula stands on her own. BAD NEBULA Why? GAMORA He’s found an Infinity Stone. Off Bad Nebula’s intrigued look... INT. Q-SHIP - DAY BAD NEBULA and GAMORA study a holo-map. BAD NEBULA Where? GAMORA On a planet called “Morag.” EXT. BATTLEFIELD, ALIEN PLANET - DAY A DARK FIGURE ADVANCES ACROSS THE SMOKY FIELD, RELENTLESS. BAD NEBULA (O.S.) Father’s plan is finally in motion. GAMORA (O.S.) One stone isn’t six. ALIENS RUN FOR COVER, SCREAMING. SOMETHING CUTS THEM DOWN... 64 65 BAD NEBULA (O.S.) It’s a start. If he gets them all... THANOS steps from the smoke, armored, wielding A HUGE BLADE. GAMORA (O.S.) We’ll never have to do this again. THREE ALIENS CHARGE HIM. THANOS CUTS THEM DOWN. He wipes blood from his face, and SMILES. BAD NEBULA (O.S.) He’ll miss it. A SMALL FIGHTER FLIES IN, STRAFING HIM. NEVER BREAKING STRIDE, THANOS SLICES IT IN TWO. He looks up to his ship. A BEAM BATHES HIM IN LIGHT... INT. Q-SHIP - DAY Bad Nebula and Gamora turn as THANOS ENTERS THE FLIGHT DECK. THANOS Ronan has located the Power Stone. I’m dispatching you to his ship. GAMORA He won’t like it. Thanos wipes the blood from his blade. THANOS His alternative is death. Ronan’s obsession clouds his judgement. After Loki, I’m taking no chances. BAD NEBULA We will not fail you, father. Thanos finally lays his eyes on her. THANOS No. You won’t. BAD NEBULA I swear I will make you proud- SUDDENLY, BAD NEBULA STAGGERS, hand to the wall. GAMORA Sister, what’s- 65 66 Thanos watches, curious, as NEBULA DROPS TO A KNEE. SUDDENLY, A HOLO-PROJECTION OF RHODEY BEAMS FROM HER EYE. RHODEY (HOLO) So, all we have to do is hang out, wait for this Quill guy, and follow him to the Power Stone, right? NEBULA (HOLO) (O.S) Let’s take cover. We’re not the only ones in this reality looking for the stones. BAD NEBULA SLUMPS, breaking the projection. Gamora goes to her, trying to prop her up. GAMORA Who was that? BAD NEBULA I...don’t know. My head...splitting... Bad Nebula winces. Gamora looks to Thanos. GAMORA Her synaptic drive was probably damaged in battle- THANOS Sshhh... Thanos looks down at Bad Nebula. He gently lifts her head with his blade. Something’s not right. THANOS (CONT'D) Bring her to my ship. EXT. STARK TOWER, PENTHOUSE - DAY (AVENGERS 1) Tony swoops onto the helipad outside the wrecked penthouse. INT. STARK TOWER, PENTHOUSE - DAY (AVENGERS 1) THE MIND STONE GLOWS IN LOKI’S SCEPTER. Pull back to see it’s in A1 NATASHA’S HANDS, as she stands with... A1 THOR, A1 STEVE, A1 TONY, A1 HULK, AND A1 CLINT (THE ICONIC SHOT FROM AVENGERS 1), all staring down at...LOKI. 66 67 LOKI If it’s all the same to you...I’ll have that drink now. From behind cover, TONY PEERS AT THE BACK SIDE OF THE AVENGERS TABLEAU. TONY (INTO COM) Cap, I’ve got to say that outfit does nothing for your ass. STEVE (OVER COM) No one asked you to look, Tony. REVEAL TINY SCOTT ON TONY’S SHOULDER. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) I think you look great, Cap. As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass. A1 NATASHA Who gets the magic wand? A1 STEVE SHIELD’s coming up now. TONY Ball’s in play. Head’s up, Cap. From hiding, Tony eyes A1 NATASHA WITH LOKI’S SCEPTER. INTERCUT: INT. STARK TOWER, HALLWAY - DAY STEVE negotiates an empty hallway, head on a swivel. He heads for AN ELEVATOR. TONY (OVER COM) Mind Stone’s on the move. STEVE (INTO COM) I’m in position. INT. STARK TOWER, PENTHOUSE - DAY (AVENGERS 1) A1 NATASHA hands LOKI’S SCEPTER to...AGENT SITWELL. He’s about to touch the tip when... A1 NATASHA Careful with that. 67 68 A1 CLINT pours himself A DRINK at Tony’s bar. A1 CLINT BARTON Unless you want your mind erased. And not in the fun way. Sitwell carries the scepter to THE SERVICE ELEVATOR...WHERE A STRIKE TEAM WAITS. BROCK RUMLOW hits “down.” BROCK RUMLOW We promise to be extra careful. Scott stares at Sitwell and Rumlow. SCOTT LANG Who are these guys? TONY SHIELD. Actually, Hydra. But we didn’t know that yet. SCOTT LANG Seriously? ‘Cause it’s kind of obvious they’re bad guys. TONY You’re small but you’re talking loud. A1 THOR WALKS LOKI PAST A1 STEVE. A1 STEVE (INTO COM) I’m on my way down to coordinate search and rescue. Loki rolls his eyes...AND TRANSFORMS INTO A COPY OF STEVE. LOKI/STEVE “I’m on my way down to coordinate search and rescue.” I mean, really, how do you keep your food down? Thor slaps A MUZZLE on Loki, who REVERTS TO HIS OWN FORM. A1 THOR Yes, that’s much better. He steers his brother into THE MAIN ELEVATOR. A1 THOR (CONT'D) You coming, Stark? 68 69 Nearby, A1 TONY uses his gauntleted hand to place THE TESSERACT into AN ALUMINUM ATTACHE CASE. A1 TONY One sec, just packing my lunch. TONY All right, you’re up, Little Buddy. There’s our stone A1 Tony crosses to the elevator. Scott takes position, readying himself. SCOTT LANG All right. Flick me. Tony flicks Scott with a finger, sending him sailing into the ATTACHE CASE. TONY leaps out the window, Bleeding Edge armor forming around him as he falls. A1 Tony joins the others in the elevator. Then... A1 HULK steps up to THE ALREADY CROWDED ELEVATOR. Avengers smile awkwardly. There’s no room. A1 HULK (angrily) Hulk take stairs. EXT. STARK TOWER - DAY Tony circles around the building...PASSING THE DESCENDING SERVICE ELEVATOR, CROWDED WITH RUMLOW’S STRIKE TEAM. TONY (O.S.) Okay, Cap, I make ten of them, just passing the 80th floor. STEVE (O.S.) Got it. Head to the lobby. TONY (O.S.) Already on my way. INT. STARK TOWER, SERVICE ELEVATOR - DAY (AVENGERS 1) Sitwell, Rumlow, and the STRIKE TEAM descend. 69 70 AGENT SITWELL (INTO PHONE) Evidence secured, we are en route to Dr. List...No, no hitches at all, Mr. Secretary... The car stops. The doors open...AND OUR STEVE GETS ON. AGENT SITWELL (CONT'D) Captain, I thought you were coordinating search and rescue? STEVE Change of plans. Steve glances at Rumlow, who’s holding THE SCEPTER. BROCK RUMLOW Cap. STEVE Rumlow. The doors close. Everyone rides in silence. Tension mounts. STEVE (CONT'D) I got a call from the Secretary’s office. I’m going to be running point on the scepter. Behind him, Sitwell and Rumlow exchange a glance. AGENT SITWELL Sir? I don’t understand- STEVE We’ve had word there might be an attempt to steal it. Steve reaches for the scepter, but Rumlow holds tight. BROCK RUMLOW Afraid we can’t allow that, Cap. AGENT SITWELL (pulling out his phone) I’ll have to check with the Director- STEVE No. Trust me. It’s okay... Steve leans in, drawing them all close. Then he whispers: 70 71 STEVE (CONT'D) Hail Hydra. THEIR EYES GO WIDE. INT. STARK TOWER, 10TH FLOOR - DAY (AVENGERS 1) The elevator OPENS. Steve steps out with THE SCEPTER. Sitwell and Rumlow stare after him, amazed. THE DOORS CLOSE. STEVE SMILES TO HIMSELF. INT. STARK TOWER, STAIRWELL - DAY (AVENGERS 1) A1 HULK lumbers down the stairs, taking chunks out of corners in the tiny stairwell. He snorts, growing more pissed off. A1 HULK SO MANY STAIRS! INT. STARK TOWER, LOBBY - DAY (AVENGERS 1) A1 TONY carries the TESSERACT CASE through THE LOBBY, followed by A1 THOR and LOKI. SWAT TROOPERS clear a path. ONE TURNS ASIDE, RAISING HIS MASK, REVEALING...OUR TONY. TONY (INTO COM) Okay, Thumbelina, you’re a go. MOVE IN CLOSE on A1 TONY to see...SCOTT, HIDING IN HIS HAIR. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) Bombs away. SCOTT DROPS BENEATH TONY’S BLACK SABBATH SHIRT. INT. TONY STARK’S SHIRT - CONTINUOUS (AVENGERS 1) SCOTT slides down Tony’s clavicle to the RT. He sniffs. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) Is that...Axe body spray? TONY (OVER COM) Yeah, I had a can in the desk for emergencies. Can we focus, please? 71 72 SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) I’m going inside you...NOW. SCOTT SQUEEZES BETWEEN A1 TONY’S SKIN AND THE RT. INT. STARK TOWER, LOBBY - DAY (AVENGERS 1) A1 TONY, A1 THOR, and LOKI approach the door. ALEXANDER PIERCE intercepts them with a team of SHIELD AGENTS. ALEXANDER PIERCE Mind if I ask where you’re going? A1 THOR We were thinking lunch, then Asgard. And you are? A1 TONY Alexander Pierce. He’s the guy behind the guys behind Fury, so don’t mess. ALEXANDER PIERCE My friends call me Mr. Secretary. (to Thor) I have to ask you to turn the prisoner over to me. A1 THOR Loki will answer to Odin, himself. ALEXANDER PIERCE No, he’ll answer to us. “Odin” can have what’s left. (to Tony) And we’ll need the case back, too. That’s been SHIELD property for over seventy years. A1 TONY I’m not gonna argue who has authority here but jurisdictionally speaking, we are on Stark property. That is my name on the glass... ALEXANDER PIERCE Just give me the case. Across the lobby, TONY OBSERVES FROM BEHIND HIS SWAT HELMET. 72 73 TONY (INTO COM) Move it, Stuart Little. Things are getting dicey out here. INTERCUT: INT. TONY STARK’S RT - DAY (AVENGERS 1) Scott studies A TANGLE OF COPPER WIRING. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) This place is a mess. (finding a wire) You promise you won’t die? TONY (OVER COM) You’re only giving me a minor cardiac dysrhythmia- SCOTT LANG That doesn’t actually sound minor- Tony sees PIERCE reaching for A1 TONY’S CASE. TONY Window’s closing. Pull my plug. SCOTT LANG Here goes... SCOTT YANKS THE WIRE OUT OF ITS SOCKET. IN THE LOBBY, A1 TONY GRIPS HIS CHEST. ALEXANDER PIERCE Stark? A1 Tony SEIZES, dropping. THE TESSERACT CASE CLATTERS TO THE GROUND. PIERCE and A1 THOR kneel to assist. ALEXANDER PIERCE (CONT'D) MEDIC! A1 THOR Stark? Somebody get some help! Is it your chest machine? THE LOBBY BUZZES, SHIELD AGENTS RUNNING EVERYWHERE. In the bustle, SCOTT SLIDES OUT OF A1 TONY’S SLEEVE. He SHOVES THE TESSERACT CASE HARD. It SPINS across the floor... RIGHT INTO TONY’S HAND. Tony walks toward a side door. 73 74 TONY (INTO COM) Meet me in the alley. I’m just gonna grab a slice at Famous Ray’s- BUT AS TONY PASSES THE STAIRWELL DOOR...HULK BANGS IT OPEN, SMASHING TONY IN THE FACE, SENDING HIM TUMBLING. A1 HULK BASHES HIS WAY THROUGH THE LOBBY. The Tesseract Case hits the floor, popping open. THE TESSERACT FALLS OUT, spinning past Tiny Scott... STOPPING AT LOKI’S FEET. Loki stares at it in disbelief. He glances at A1 Thor and Pierce giving A1 Tony first aid. THEN LOKI CALMLY REACHES DOWN WITH HIS MANACLED HANDS, GRASPS THE TESSERACT...AND TELEPORTS AWAY. Scott stares, stunned. SCOTT LANG That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it? A1 THOR LOOKS UP, REALIZING... A1 THOR WHERE’S LOKI? SHIELD TEAMS FAN OUT, ON ALERT. INT. STARK TOWER, 14TH FLOOR - DAY (AVENGERS 1) STEVE heads down a hall, SCEPTER IN HAND. SECURITY (OVER SPEAKER) Building-wide alert, all units. Target Loki, maximum force. STEVE (INTO COM) Tony? What’s going on? Tell me you got that cube- A1 STEVE (O.S.) Strike Teams, clear Forty, then work down. Before Steve can hide...A1 STEVE ROUNDS THE CORNER. STEVE Oh, great. A1 STEVE (INTO COM) Disregard. I have eyes on Loki, Fourteenth Floor. 74 75 STEVE GENTLY LAYS THE SCEPTER DOWN, AND PULLS OFF HIS SHIELD. STEVE I’m not Loki. And I don’t want to hurt you. A1 STEVE PULLS HIS SHIELD OFF HIS BACK. A1 STEVE You’re not going to get the chance- A1 STEVE KICKS STEVE IN THE FACE. Steve stumbles. STEVE Forgot about that one. They grapple. Both their shields fall to the ground... THEY BOTH STAMP ON THEM, simultaneously flipping the shields back to their arms. A1 Steve looks impressed. A1 STEVE SWINGS. STEVE DUCKS, HAMMERING HIM. A1 Steve wipes the blood from his lip, squaring off. A1 STEVE I can do this all day- STEVE Yeah, I know... They battle on. A1 Steve tackles Steve, knocking his shield aside, RIPPING OPEN ONE OF STEVE’S BELT COMPARTMENTS: THE COMPASS FALLS OUT, OPENING TO REVEAL PEGGY’S PICTURE. A1 Steve goes cold. He picks up the compass, FLABBERGASTED. A1 STEVE Where’d you get this? STEVE PX. Camp Lehigh. 1943. A1 Steve stares at Steve, eyes narrowing. A1 STEVE You’ve got a lot of nerve. HE HAMMERS STEVE ACROSS THE HALL. Steve goes skidding. He groans, looking up to see...HE’S INCHES FROM THE SCEPTER. A1 STEVE moves in. STEVE whips around, touching THE SCEPTER to A1 Steve’s chest. A1 STEVE’S EYES GO BLACK. HE FREEZES. 75 76 Steve stares, panting. Finally, he picks up the compass from the floor, then considers A1 STEVE’S ASS. STEVE That is America’s ass. EXT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM, ROOF - DAY (AVENGERS 1) SMART HULK’S BODY lies slumped on an Adirondack chair, a floppy sun hat covering his face. ANCIENT ONE (O.S.) I wish I could help you, Bruce... THE ANCIENT ONE waters a rooftop garden. She looks to ASTRAL BANNER, who’s only just getting used to being see-through. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) But if I were to give up the Time Stone to help your reality, I’d be dooming my own. ASTRAL BANNER Yeah, with all due respect, I’m not sure the science supports that. ANCIENT ONE And yet, you’re the one currently standing in the middle of my hydrangeas. Banner looks down to see, indeed, he has phased through the middle of the hydrangeas. He steps out of it. ASTRAL BANNER Lady, I just want to borrow your necklace- ANCIENT ONE At what cost? SHE CONJURES A MAGICAL PROJECTION OF THE INFINITY STONES, SPINNING IN UNISON. A TUNNEL OF GOLDEN LIGHT POURS FORTH. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) The Infinity Stones create the experience you know as the flow of time. Remove one of the stones, and the flow splits. [She plucks the GREEN TIME STONE out of the array] A SMALLER, BLACKENED RIVER BRANCHES OFF FROM THE FIRST. 76 (MORE) 77 ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) Now, your timeline might benefit. My new one...would definitely not. SHE GESTURES. OUR CAMERA ZOOMS INTO THE BLACKENED TUNNEL... [TUNNEL POV] HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE RUN AS WE FLY OVER A CROWDED STREET, UP TO...THE BURNING HONG KONG SANCTUM. ANCIENT ONE (O.S.) (CONT'D) In this new branch reality, without our chief weapon against the forces of darkness, our world would be overrun... MOVE UP TO SEE DORMAMMU IN THE SKY. HE OPENS HIS MOUTH... BACK ON THE ROOF...THE ANCIENT ONE PLUCKS MORE STONES FROM THE GOLDEN RIVER, CREATING FIVE MORE BLACKENED TRIBUTARIES. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) For each stone you remove, you’ll create a new, vulnerable timeline. Millions will suffer. (beat) Now tell me, Doctor. Can your science prevent all that? ASTRAL BANNER No. But it can erase it. Astral Banner reaches in and grabs THE VIRTUAL TIME STONE. ASTRAL BANNER (CONT'D) Because once we’re done with the stones, we can return each one to its own timeline. At the moment it was taken. So chronologically, in that reality, the stone never left. HE PUTS THE TIME STONE BACK. THE BLACK TIMELINE DISAPPEARS. ANCIENT ONE You’re leaving out the most important part, though. In order to put the stones back, you’d have to survive. ASTRAL BANNER We will. I will. I promise. ANCIENT ONE I can’t risk this reality on a promise. (MORE) 77 ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) 78 It is the duty of the Sorcerer Supreme to protect the Time Stone- ASTRAL BANNER Yeah? Then why the hell did Strange give it away? The Ancient One freezes. ANCIENT ONE What did you say? ASTRAL BANNER Strange gave Thanos the Time Stone. ANCIENT ONE Willingly? Why? ASTRAL BANNER Don’t know. Maybe he made a mistake. ANCIENT ONE Or I did. The Ancient One looks out over a recovering NYC. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) Strange is meant to be the best of us. ASTRAL BANNER Then he must have had a reason. ANCIENT ONE I fear you may be right... Finally, she waves her hand and...WHOOSH! HE REINTEGRATES INTO THE SMART HULK BODY. Smart Hulk gets up, WOOZY. SHE REMOVES THE TIME STONE FROM THE EYE, HANDING IT TO HIM. SMART HULK Thank you. ANCIENT ONE I’m counting on you, Bruce. (re. the city behind her) We all are. EXT. SANCTUARY 2 - DAY THE SANCTUARY-2 LOOMS. ANCIENT ONE (CONT'D) 78 79 INT. SANCTUARY 2 - DAY BAD NEBULA HANGS SUSPENDED. CABLES travel from her “brain” to a GLOWING WALL OF DATABANKS, which silhouettes... THANOS. He regards her for a moment. Then... THANOS Run diagnostics. Show me her memory file. At the console, EBONY MAW SCANS NEBULA’S INFORMATION. NEBULA’S BODY TWITCHES. GAMORA WATCHES, TORN. SOON...AN ALERT FLASHES. EBONY MAW Sir, the file appears...entangled. It was a memory, but not hers. (dawning on him) There’s another consciousness sharing her network. Another Nebula. THANOS Impossible. EBONY MAW This duplicate carries a time stamp...from nine years in the future. THANOS Where is this “other Nebula?” EBONY MAW In our solar system. On Morag. THANOS Can you access her? EBONY MAW Yes. The two are linked. THANOS PEERS INTO BAD NEBULA’S GLASSY EYES... THANOS Search the duplicate’s memory for Infinity Stones. Maw works the console. Thanos steps aside as BAD NEBULA’S BODY QUIVERS. AFTER A BEAT, A BEAM SHOOTS OUT OF HER EYE... PROJECTING AN IMAGE OF AVENGERS COMPOUND: 79 80 STEVE, TONY, RHODEY, SCOTT, SMART HULK, ROCKET, NATASHA, CLINT, AND THOR GATHER IN THE LIVING AREA. SMART HULK (HOLO) -the Stones have been in a lot of places throughout history. TONY (HOLO) Our history. Not all of them are going to be a fun drop-in. CLINT BARTON (HOLO) Which means we’ve got to pick our targets. STEVE (HOLO) Exactly. Let’s start here- THANOS Freeze image. THE IMAGE FREEZES. THANOS STARES, RECOGNIZING THEM. GAMORA Terrans? THANOS Avengers. Unruly wretches. He gestures to A BLURRY REFLECTION WITHIN THE HOLOGRAM. THANOS (CONT'D) What’s this reflection. Amplify this, Maw. EBONY MAW ZOOMS IN, REVEALING...A REFLECTION OF NEBULA. GAMORA I don’t understand. Two Nebulas? Thanos walks into the hologram, studying the faces. THANOS No. The same Nebula. From two different times. (to Ebony Maw) Set course for Morag. And scan the duplicate’s memories. (beat) I want to see everything... 80 81 INT. ASGARD, PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY (THOR 2) Frigga walks down a corridor, alone. THOR SNEAKS FROM COLUMN TO COLUMN, FOLLOWING HER. She PAUSES, sensing something. Thor HIDES. When he peers again, FRIGGA IS GONE. Then he turns around to find FRIGGA STANDING BESIDE HIM. Thor jumps. FRIGGA What are you doing? THOR Mother! What? Nothing. Hello. FRIGGA You’re better off leaving the sneaking to your brother. (re. his bathrobe) What are you wearing? THOR I always wear this. It’s one of my favorites. FRIGGA And what’s wrong with your eye? THOR Oh, that. You remember the...Battle of Harokin. I took a...broadsword to the face? He trails off, at a loss, staring at his dead mom. Frigga gently lays her hand on his cheek...READING HIM. FRIGGA Oh. You’re not the Thor I know at all, are you? THOR Yes, I am- FRIGGA I was raised by witches, boy. I see with more than eyes, you know that. (eyeing him) I can see the future hasn’t been kind to you, has it? THOR I didn’t say I was from the future... 81 82 FRIGGA Thor... Frigga gives her son a stern, “don’t lie to me” look. Thor stares at his mom a long moment. Then, he cracks: THOR I’m totally from the future. FRIGGA Yes, you are. THOR I need to talk to you. FRIGGA We can talk. Frigga GRABS Thor by the cloak and yanks him away. INT. ASGARD, PALACE, JANE FOSTER’S CHAMBER - DAY (THOR 2) CLOSE ON A PAIR OF MODERN BOOTS BENEATH AN ASGARDIAN GOWN. TILT UP TO FIND...JANE FOSTER. She studies the outfit. Behind her, ROCKET RAISES THE EXTRACTION DEVICE OVER HIS HEAD, ABOUT TO JAB... INT. ASGARD, PALACE, FRIGGA’S CHAMBER - DAY (THOR 2) FRIGGA sits with THOR in her chambers. THOR ...and then it was done. His head over there. Body over there. And me in the middle. Just an idiot with an axe. FRIGGA You’re no idiot. You’re here, aren’t you? Seeking counsel from the smartest person in Asgard? THOR Yeah, I guess. FRIGGA An idiot, no. A failure, absolutely. 82 83 THOR That’s a little harsh- FRIGGA Quite a colossal one, by the sound of it. THOR Okay, maybe just stop talking. FRIGGA And you know what that makes you? Just like everyone else. THOR I’m not supposed to be like everyone else, though. FRIGGA Everyone fails at “who they’re supposed to be,” Thor. The measure of a person, of a hero, is how well they succeed at being who they are. Thor stares at her, biting back emotions. THOR I’ve really missed you, Mum. INT. ASGARD, PALACE, CORRIDOR - DAY (THOR 2) ROCKET TEARS DOWN THE HALL, EXTRACTION DEVICE IN HAND. ROCKET I got it I got it I got it! A TROOP OF EINHERJAR CHASE AFTER HIM. INT. ASGARD, PALACE, FRIGGA’S CHAMBER - DAY (THOR 2) [THOR looks at THE OBSERVATORY] Dark Elves will soon attack. THOR Mum, I have to tell you something- FRIGGA No, son. You don’t. You’ve come to repair your future, not mine. THOR But your future- 83 84 FRIGGA Is none of my business. Thor stares at her, torn. THEN ROCKET RACES INTO THE ROOM. ROCKET (to Frigga) Hi. You must be Mom. (to Thor, re. the device) I got the thing. Come on, we gotta move- Thor looks to Frigga. THOR I wish we had more time- FRIGGA This was a gift. Now, go be the man you’re meant to be. (beat) And eat a salad. Thor smiles. He and Rocket activate their time suits. ROCKET Three...two- THOR No. Wait. THOR DRAMATICALLY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. A long moment passes. ROCKET What am I looking at? FRIGGA Sometimes it takes a second. Then...MJOLNIR SAILS INTO HER SON’S HAND. She grins, proud. THOR (relieved) Still worthy. Mother and son look at each other for the last time. THOR (CONT'D) Goodbye, Mum. FRIGGA Goodbye, Son. THEN, WHOOSH! THOR AND ROCKET DISAPPEAR. 84 85 Suddenly...THE PALACE RUMBLES. Frigga looks to the window, WHERE A DARK ELF WARSHIP DECLOAKS. SHE REACHES FOR A SWORD. [PRELAP] “COME AND GET YOUR LOVE,” BY REDBONE. EXT. MORAG, ABANDONED CITY - DAY (GUARDIANS) PETER QUILL, in RED, PLEATHER TRENCH COAT AND HEADPHONES, dances through the ruins of an alien city. PULL BACK TO...NEBULA AND RHODEY WATCHING FROM BEHIND A ROCK. RHODEY So, he’s an idiot. NEBULA Yes. Quill spins, arms out, eyes shut. When the horizon finally settles...he sees A METAL MAN STANDING THERE WAITING FOR HIM. QUILL Oh, fu- BAM! RHODEY DECKS QUILL IN THE FACE. Quill drops, out cold. RHODEY Sorry about that. I know you guys were teammates and everything. NEBULA Do you hear me complaining? Nebula rifles through Quill’s sack. She pulls out AN ELECTRONIC LOCK PICK. RHODEY What is that? NEBULA The tool of a thief. Come on. They set out toward the RUINED CITY. INT. MORAG, TEMPLE VAULT - DAY (GUARDIANS) WHIR, CLICK. TWO HUGE, STONE DOORS SLIDE OPEN, REVEALING NEBULA AND RHODEY. SHE STEPS IN. RHODEY TRIES TO STOP HER. 85 86 RHODEY Hang on. This would be about the time the spikes come out, you know, with the skeletons still on them? NEBULA What are you talking about? RHODEY I’m just saying, when you break into a place called, “The Temple of the Power Stone”, there are usually... Ahead, they see...THE POWER STONE ORB HOVERING ABOVE ITS PEDESTAL, SURROUNDED BY A WEB OF LASER THREADS. RHODEY (CONT'D) Traps and stuff. (Nebula steps inside) Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Rhodey scans the laser web, strategizing. RHODEY (CONT'D) These are photovoltaic lasers on a constantly shifting matrix. Gonna be damn near impossible to neutralize unless we- SUDDENLY, NEBULA REACHES HER CYBERNETIC ARM THROUGH THE WEB. SHE GRABS THE ORB...BUT THE WEB GRIPS HER, FRYING HER ARM. She pulls out the orb, but sees Rhodey staring at HER BLACKENED CLAW. NEBULA I wasn’t always like this. He sees actual emotion somewhere inside her. Favor his exoskeletal leg braces as he softens. RHODEY Yeah, me either. I guess we do the best with what we’ve got, huh? SHE HANDS HIM THE ORB WITH JUST THE GHOST OF A SMILE. RHODEY (CONT'D) Let’s get out of here. Place gives me the creeps. Sync up. Three... two...one... 86 (MORE) 87 RHODEY TAPS HIS CUFF, SHRINKING AWAY. Nebula goes for hers...BUT HER EYES ROLL BACK. SHE COLLAPSES, SEIZING VIOLENTLY, THEN GOING STILL. Her eyes snap open, projecting a hologram of...THANOS. THANOS (HOLO) What’s wrong? INT. SANCTUARY-2, INTERROGATION CELL - DAY [BACK IN THE INTERROGATION CELL, BAD NEBULA’S EYE BEAMS] IN THANOS’ LODGE, THE AVENGERS SURROUND A ONE-ARMED THANOS. THANOS STUDIES HIS HOLO-FUTURE-SELF, WATCHING HIS DESTINY PLAY OUT IN FRONT OF HIM. BRUCE BANNER (HOLO) You murdered trillions. THANOS (HOLO) You should be grateful. NATASHA (HOLO) Where are the stones? THANOS SMIRKS, PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER. THANOS (HOLO) Gone. Reduced to atoms. BRUCE BANNER (HOLO) You used them two days ago! THANOS (HOLO) I used the stones to destroy the stones. The work is done. It always will be... HE STEPS FORWARD, FINISHING HIS OWN THOUGHT. THANOS (HOLO) (CONT'D) I AM INEVITABLE- THANOS (CONT'D) I AM INEVITABLE. Thanos nods to Maw, who freezes the program. THANOS WALKS THROUGH THE HOLOGRAM, STUDYING THE HEROES. GAMORA What did you do to them? THANOS Nothing. Yet. (piecing it together) (MORE) 87 THANOS (CONT'D) 88 They’re not trying to stop something I’m going to do in our time. They’re trying to undo something I’ve already done in theirs. GAMORA (uneasy) The stones. THANOS I found them all. I won. Tipped the cosmic scales to balance. EBONY MAW Sire. This is your future? THANOS My destiny. He stares, mind whirling. He nods. THE MEMORY RESUMES. RHODEY (HOLO) He’s lying. NEBULA (O.S.) My father is many things. A liar is not one of them. THANOS (HOLO) Thank you, daughter. Perhaps I’ve treated you too- WHUMP. THOR CUTS OFF THANOS’ HEAD. THE VIEW LINGERS AS “NEBULA” STARES AT HER DEAD FATHER. THANOS STUDIES HIS SEVERED HEAD...AND SMILES. THANOS (CONT'D) And that is destiny fulfilled. Gamora stares, torn. But Ebony Maw fumes on Thanos’ behalf. EBONY MAW Sire. Your daughter is a traitor. [EBONY MAW GESTURES] CABLES WRAP AROUND NEBULA’S NECK. SHE AWAKENS, PANICKED. She looks up at Thanos. BAD NEBULA (choking) No. Please, father. That’s not me. I would never betray you. Please- THANOS (CONT'D) 88 89 Thanos UNWRAPS the cord. He touches his daughter’s face. THANOS Ssh, child. I know. And you’ll have the chance to prove it... INT. MORAG, TEMPLE VAULT - DAY (GUARDIANS) ZZZT. ON THE FLOOR, NEBULA’S EYES SNAP OPEN, HORRIFIED. NEBULA He knows... EXT. MORAG - DAY (GUARDIANS) BOOTS POUND ACROSS THE ROCKS. NEBULA RUNS FLAT OUT, DESPERATE, HEADING FOR THE ESCAPE POD. INT. ESCAPE POD - DAY (GUARDIANS) NEBULA rushes to the console and opens A COMMUNICATION LINK. NEBULA (INTO COM) Barton, Romanoff, come in. We have a problem. Thanos knows! Thanos- Suddenly, A SHADOW falls over the Pod. Nebula looks out the cockpit window... AS A TRACTOR BEAM PULLS THE ENTIRE POD SKYWARD. EXT. NEW YORK CITY, ALLEY - (AVENGERS 1) IN THE ALLEY, Steve drops down from the building. He hears A WHISTLE. TONY waves from behind a crashed car. TONY We’ve got a problem. TIME CUT: STEVE huddles with TONY and SCOTT. STEVE How could you lose it? TONY What do you want? I got hit in the head with a Hulk! 89 90 SCOTT LANG You said we only had one shot. This was our shot. We shot it. It was six stones or nothing! Six stones- TONY You’re not helping- SCOTT LANG You ruined the Time Heist! TONY Okay, okay, Loki’s from Asgard, he’s comfortable there. Knows the restaurants. It’s a safe bet he visits home. If we can just grab This-Thor and explain the situation, he and I can fly- STEVE Loki could be anywhere in the universe. We’d be old men before we found him. As Steve and Scott debate, MOVE IN ON TONY, MIND WHIRLING... STEVE (CONT'D) What other options did we have on the Tesseract? SCOTT LANG Whoa, whoa. We don’t have any other options. We can’t go to any other times. No do-overs! We’ve only got one particle left, each. Use it now, that’s it, bye-bye, we don’t come home. STEVE But if we don’t try, nobody else comes home, either. TONY I got it! There’s another way to re-take the Tesseract, and acquire new particles. (to Steve) Military installation, Garden State. Steve eyes Tony, BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND. 90 91 STEVE When were they both there? TONY I have a vaguely exact idea. STEVE How vague? SCOTT LANG Hang on, what’s in New Jersey? TONY I know they were there, and I know how I know. STEVE STUDIES TONY A LONG MOMENT... STEVE Looks like we’re improvising. SCOTT LANG Wait! What are you improvising? STEVE HANDS SCOTT THE STAFF. STEVE Scott, take this back to the Compound. TONY All right, suits on. Try these coordinates. 04-07-19-70... SCOTT LANG Steve- Cap- Captain America, if you do this and he’s wrong...you’re not coming back. Steve and Tony let the weight of that sink in. He’s right. Even so, Tony turns to Steve. TONY You trust me? STEVE I do. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER, THEN...CLICK. THEY BOTH HIT THEIR CUFFS. TONY AND STEVE SHRINK TO NOTHING... 91 92 EXT. NEW JERSEY WOODS - DAY (1970) [CUE MUSIC] “HEY LAWDY MAMA,” STEPPENWOLF. A 1970 Oldsmobile motors down a wooded road. The bumper [sticker reads] “NUFF SAID.” At the wheel, STAN LEE (48), LONG HAIR, MOUSTACHE, OPEN SHIRT, sings along to the radio, TWO LADIES at his side. He passes by AN ARMY BASE, throwing a peace sign to A GUARD. STAN LEE Make love, not war, baby! [He roars off, passing A FADED SIGN] “U.S. ARMY - CAMP LEHIGH - BIRTHPLACE OF CAPTAIN AMERICA.” MOVE INTO THE BASE... TONY (O.S.) You weren’t actually born here, right? EXT. CAMP LEHIGH - DAY (1970) SOLDIERS MARCH PAST AS... Tony and Steve round the corner, TONY IN A LAB COAT and STEVE IN GREEN KHAKIS, LOW-PULLED CAP, AND MIRRORED SUNGLASSES. STEVE The idea of me was. TONY (looking around) All right. If I was SHIELD and I wanted to hide my quasi-fascistic black site, where would I hide it? STEVE In plain sight. Steve nods at A MAN IN A GRAY SUIT approaching a building, “MUNITIONS.” He opens the door with a retro-tech PUNCH CARD. [TONY TOUCHES HIS GLASSES] HE X-RAYS INTO THE GROUND, ILLUMINATING...TWENTY FLOORS OF SECRET, UNDERGROUND BASE. INT. CAMP LEHIGH, ELEVATOR - DAY (1970) Muzak plays as STEVE and TONY ride down with A FEMALE SHIELD AGENT. 92 93 She stares awkwardly at Tony. Steve keeps his hat down. Ding. The doors open. Tony exits, then turns back to Steve. TONY Good luck with that mission, Captain. STEVE Good luck with your project, Doctor. Tony ducks out. The doors close. The Agent turns to Steve. FEMALE SHIELD AGENT You new here? STEVE Not exactly. INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, ARCHIVES - DAY (1970) TONY searches HIGH, CROWDED ARCHIVE SHELVES. TONY Come on, you little hexahedron, where are you hiding? Finally, he spots A HIGH TECH SAFE. He grabs a briefcase, then NANOS A GAUNTLET, FRYING THE SAFE’S LOCK. It opens revealing...THE TESSERACT. Tony smiles. TONY (CONT'D) You may not know it now, but someday you’re going to be a real pain-in-the-ass. Just then...THE ARCHIVE DOOR OPENS. HOWARD STARK (O.S.) Hey, Arnim, you in here? TONY LOCKS THE CUBE IN THE BRIEFCASE JUST BEFORE... HOWARD STARK (49) APPEARS, carrying ROSES AND A CAN OF SAUERKRAUT. TONY STARES, STUNNED. HOWARD STARK (CONT'D) Hey, I’m looking for Dr. Zola. You seen him? TONY No. Haven’t seen a soul. 93 94 Tony stands in front of his father, overwhelmed. Howard looks at him, a bit suspicious. HOWARD STARK I know you? From his pocket, TONY GENERATES A BADGE OUT OF NANO-TECH. He holds it out. TONY No, sir. Just visiting from MIT. HOWARD STARK That so? Got a name? TONY Howard... HOWARD STARK Easy to remember- TONY Potts. HOWARD STARK I’m Howard Stark. (shaking hands) You seem a little green around the gills, Potts. Need some air? TONY That’d be swell. Tony distractedly walks away, leaving the briefcase. HOWARD STARK Need the briefcase? PRE-LAP A RINGING PHONE... INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, PYM’S LAB - DAY (1970) [CLOSE ON] AN ANT. A phone continues to ring. Then... HANK PYM (O.S.) Hello? [PULL BACK] THE ANT CRAWLS IN AN ANTFARM ON A LAB SHELF. STEVE (OVER PHONE) Dr. Pym? 94 95 HANK PYM (O.S.) That would be the number you called, yes. PAN across the shelf to A CHART OF WASP MATURATION. STEVE (OVER PHONE) This is Captain Stevens, from shipping. We have a package for you. KEEP PANNING to A PROTOTYPE ANT-MAN HELMET. HANK PYM (O.S.) So bring it up. STEVE (OVER PHONE) That’s the thing, sir, we can’t. ARRIVE ON...HANK PYM (20’s), in brown hair and lab coat. HANK PYM Maybe I’m confused. Isn’t that your job? STEVE (OVER PHONE) It’s just...sir, the box is glowing. And to be honest, a couple of our mail guys aren’t feeling great- HANK PYM They didn’t open it, did they?! INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, HALLWAY - DAY (1970) A DOOR MARKED, “DR. HENRY PYM,” flies open. Hank exits, fuming, brushing past...STEVE. Steve watches Hank stalk off...THEN DUCKS INTO HANK’S LAB. INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, ELEVATOR - DAY (1970) HOWARD and TONY step onto AN ELEVATOR. The doors shut. TONY Sauerkraut and a bouquet...big night planned? 95 96 HOWARD STARK (lifting one at a time) My wife’s expecting. And too much time at the office. Tony puzzles the dates out in his head... TONY Congratulations. HOWARD STARK Thanks. TONY How far along is she? HOWARD STARK Gee, I suppose... (indicating) ...this far. She’s at the point where she can’t stand the sound of my chewing. So I guess I’ll be eating in the pantry again. TONY I have a little girl. TONY SMILES. He’s talking about the man-he’s-talking-to’s granddaughter, fifty years before she’s born. HOWARD STARK A girl would be nice. Less chance she’d turn out exactly like me. TONY Would that be so bad? HOWARD STARK Let’s just say the greater good hasn’t always outweighed my own self interest. The elevator doors open. INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, PYM’S LAB - DAY (1970) STEVE searches Hank’s lab, finally opening the fridge to find...A TRAY OF BRAND NEW PYM PARTICLES. 96 97 INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, HALLWAY - DAY (1970) Steve exits Hank’s lab and heads for the elevator. But it opens, revealing THE FEMALE AGENT FROM EARLIER, WITH AN M.P. M.P. You’ve never seen either of these men before? FEMALE SHIELD AGENT No. But I have an eye for this. Something looked fishy. M.P. Describe ‘fishy’. FEMALE SHIELD AGENT One of them had a hippie beard. M.P. We talking Bee Gees or Mungo Jerry? FEMALE SHIELD AGENT Definitely Mungo Jerry. M.P. (over walkie-talkie) This is Chesler. We need every available agent to sub-level 6. We have a potential breach. Steve ducks through the nearest door... INT. CAMP LEHIGH, SHIELD FACILITY, PEGGY’S OFC. - DAY (1970) Steve enters a darkened office. A glass wall separates it from another bullpen. Then he sees something on the desk. He stares, stunned, at [two photos] one features PEGGY CARTER STANDING WITH JFK. THE OTHER IS OF SKINNY STEVE. [Steve turns the desk nameplate around] “MARGARET CARTER.” Steve realizes that even twenty-five years later, Peggy never forgot about him. Just then, THE BULLPEN DOOR FLIES OPEN. LIGHTS SNAP ON, revealing PEGGY CARTER (49), talking to someone in the hall. PEGGY CARTER So, send them in. 97 98 MALE AGENT They’re trying, ma’am, but Braddock’s unit has been stopped by lightning strikes. PEGGY CARTER Oh, for the love of- I’ll find the weather projections. You call Braddock and tell him to shelter in place. Assuming he’s bright enough to come out of the rain. MALE AGENT (O.S.) Yes, ma’am. Steve stares at her from the darkness, STUNNED. Peggy rifles through a file cabinet. PEGGY CARTER Here we are... She flips through a file, reading. In the darkness behind her, Steve approaches. Peggy reads something disturbing. PEGGY CARTER (CONT'D) Crikey O’Reilly. (calling out) Sergeant? Hang up and call Air Command. Braddock needs back up, immediately. MALE AGENT Ma’am? PEGGY CARTER Those aren’t lightning strikes he’s looking at... She slaps the file closed and hurries out. Steve stares after her a long moment. EXT. CAMP LEHIGH - DAY (1970) Howard and Tony approach a WAITING LIMO. TONY Got any names, yet? HOWARD STARK If it’s a boy, my wife likes Elmonzo. 98 99 TONY You might let that stew a while. You’ve got time. HOWARD STARK What are you, couple years older than me? TONY Yeah. I guess. HOWARD STARK Let me ask you a question. When your kid was born...were you nervous? TONY Wildly. HOWARD STARK Did you feel qualified? Like you had any idea how to successfully operate that thing? TONY I pieced it together as I went along. I thought about what my dad did... HOWARD STARK My old man never met a problem he couldn’t solve with a belt. TONY I tried to hold onto the good stuff. Dad dropped the odd pearl, here and there. HOWARD STARK Like what? TONY “No amount of money ever bought a second of time.” HOWARD STARK That’s good. Smart guy. TONY He did his best. 99 100 HOWARD STARK I tell you, this kid’s not even here yet, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. Tony takes this in, GRATIFIED. Just then...EDWIN JARVIS (56) opens the limo door. HOWARD STARK (CONT'D) Besides, if I fall down on the fathering job, old Jarvis is ready to pick up the slack. Isn’t that right? EDWIN JARVIS Indeed, sir. I shall endeavor to teach the lad the rudiments of judo. Tony smiles at his old friend. As Jarvis gets in the car, Tony notices...STEVE WAITING BEHIND A JEEP. TIME TO GO. Howard turns to shake Tony’s hand. HOWARD STARK Well, good to meet you, Potts. TONY You’re going to do fine, Howard. HOWARD STARK Thanks. See you around? TONY Count on it... As he gets into his car, Howard looks to Jarvis. HOWARD STARK Have we met him before? EDWIN JARVIS We’ve met a lot of people, sir. HOWARD STARK Seems very familiar. (beat) Weird beard. EXT. SANCTUARY 2 - SPACE The Sanctuary-2 cruises ominously through space. 100 101 INT. SANCTUARY-2, PRISON CELL - DAY WHACK! NEBULA GOES TUMBLING ACROSS THE FLOOR. She gets to her knees, looking up at...BAD NEBULA, GLARING DOWN AT HER. BAD NEBULA You’re weak. NEBULA I’m you- BAD NEBULA Shut up! BAD NEBULA PUNCHES GOOD NEBULA DOWN. GOOD NEBULA GROANS AS BAD NEBULA RIPS OFF HER TIME-SPACE GPS. THEN GAMORA ENTERS. Nebula softens, taking in her (once dead) sister. NEBULA You could stop this. You know you want to. (off Gamora’s look) Did you see what happens in the future? Thanos finds the Soul Stone. MOVE IN ON GAMORA, WHEELS TURNING... NEBULA (CONT'D) You want to know how he does that? You want to know what he does to you- BAD NEBULA ENOUGH! BAD NEBULA SMACKS HER THE HARDEST YET, THEN LEANS IN WITH A JAGGED INSTRUMENT OF TORTURE. BAD NEBULA (CONT'D) You disgust me...but that doesn’t mean you’re useless. SHE PRIES OFF THE ORANGE PANEL FROM GOOD NEBULA’S HEAD. Gamora takes in this new development... INT. SANCTUARY-2, THRONE ROOM - DAY Bad Nebula enters to find Thanos on his throne. She hands him Good Nebula’s TIME-SPACE GPS. He smiles. 101 102 Bad Nebula affixes Good Nebula’s orange panel onto her head. BAD NEBULA How do I look? EXT. BENATAR - SPACE THE BENATAR approaches Vormir. [TITLE] VORMIR, 2014 INT. BENATAR, FLIGHT DECK - SPACE NATASHA and CLINT stand on the flight deck, staring at THE MAJESTIC, PURPLE PLANET. CLINT BARTON Under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome. EXT. VORMIR - DAY Clint and Natasha eye THE BENATAR resting on a sand dune. Clint fires a Pym Particle. WHOOSH, THE ENTIRE SHIP DISAPPEARS. CLINT lifts THE SHRUNKEN BENATAR and tucks it in his pocket. CLINT AND NATASHA TREK ACROSS THE DUNES OF VORMIR, TOWARD...THE MOUNTAIN. EXT. VORMIR, MIDWAY UP THE MOUNTAIN - DAY Natasha and Clint climb, ragged. They approach AN ARCHWAY. CLINT BARTON Really starting to regret my choice here. NATASHA Yeah. I’m gonna bet the raccoon didn’t have to climb a mountain. CLINT BARTON I don’t think technically he’s a raccoon... NATASHA Whatever. He eats garbage- 102 103 THEY HEAR SOMETHING. THEY WHIRL, WEAPONS UP. A HOODED FIGURE APPROACHES. HOODED FIGURE I assure you, you have nothing to fear from me. CLINT BARTON Creepy. HOODED FIGURE Welcome Natasha, daughter of Ivan. Clint, son of Edith. CLINT BARTON Creepier. NATASHA Who are you? RED SKULL Consider me a guide. To you, and to all who seek the Soul Stone. NATASHA Great. You show us where it is, and we’ll be on our way. The figure removes his hood, revealing...THE RED SKULL. RED SKULL Oh, liebchen. If only it were that easy... EXT. VORMIR, MOUNTAIN TOP - DAY START ON JAGGED ROCKS. TILT UP TO SEE SKULL, NATASHA, and CLINT staring down from the ALTAR. RED SKULL What you seek lies in front of you. As does what you fear. NATASHA The Stone is down there? RED SKULL For one of you. For the other... (smiling it away) The Stone demands a sacrifice. In order to take it, you must leave behind that which you love. 103 104 SKULL POINTS A BONY FINGER DOWN THE WELL. RED SKULL (CONT'D) A soul for a soul. Natasha and Clint stare down the well, stunned. TIME CUT: RED SKULL STARES DOWN THE WELL, robes whipping in the wind. CLINT BARTON (O.S.) Maybe he’s full of shit. FIFTY FEET AWAY, AT THE MONOLITHS, NATASHA AND CLINT HUDDLE. NATASHA I don’t think so. CLINT BARTON Why, because he knew your daddy’s name? NATASHA I didn’t. (off his look) Thanos left here with the stone, and without his daughter. You really think that’s a coincidence? They both look out at the well, heavy. NATASHA (CONT'D) (under her breath) Whatever it takes... CLINT BARTON (under his breath) Whatever it takes... Natasha goes to Clint, resolved. NATASHA If we don’t get the stone, billions of people are going to stay dead. CLINT BARTON Then I guess we both know who it has to be. NATASHA Yeah. Guess we do. They take each other’s hand. A long goodbye beat. Except... 104 105 CLINT BARTON I’m starting to think we don’t mean the same person. NATASHA For the last five years, I’ve been trying to do one thing -- get to right here. This is all it’s been about. Bringing everybody back. CLINT BARTON Do not get all decent on me- NATASHA You think I want to do it? I’m trying to save your life, you idiot- CLINT BARTON And I don’t want you to. (beat) Nat. You know what I’ve done. What I am now. Your life’s worth ten of mine- NATASHA I don’t judge people by their worst mistakes- CLINT BARTON Maybe you should- NATASHA You didn’t. That stops him. He looks in her eyes, then down, giving in. CLINT BARTON You’re a pain in my ass, you know that? She relaxes for the briefest moment. Just then, CLINT SWEEPS OUT HER LEGS, PINNING HER DOWN. CLINT BARTON (CONT'D) Tell my family I love them. SHE REVERSES, SENDING HIM TUMBLING. NATASHA Tell them yourself. SHE FIRES A WIDOW’S BITE INTO HIS CHEST AND MAKES A BREAK FOR THE CLIFF. SHE’S HALFWAY THERE WHEN... 105 --- 106 BOOM! AN EXPLODING ARROW KNOCKS HER OFF HER FEET. Clint races past her...leaping off edge of the cliff. Just as he falls... NATASHA TACKLES HIM IN MID-AIR. They drop, but NATASHA SHOOTS HER GRAPPLING LINE INTO THE CLIFF. THEY SLAM INTO THE CLIFFSIDE. She attaches the other end of her grappling line to Clint’s belt...saving his life. She slides, but he reaches out and grabs her...saving hers. CLINT BARTON Damn you. They hang there a long, terrible moment. CLINT’S GRASP STARTS TO LOOSEN. Finally, she looks him in the eye. NATASHA Let me go. CLINT BARTON No. Please no... The two friends stare at each other, a lifetime between them. NATASHA It’s okay... CLINT BARTON Natasha, no- Then Natasha Romanoff kicks off the cliff wall, yanking out of Clint’s grasp. She falls... Clint dangles from the grappling hook, staring down, helpless, stifling his scream. WHOOSH! THE WHOLE WORLD GOES WHITE. EXT. VORMIR, BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN - DAY When the light fades, CLINT LIES FLOATING IN SPACE. The camera rotates until we see...IT’S A REFLECTION OF THE SKY. CLINT LIES IN THE POOL AT THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN. He sits up and opens his hand to see THE SOUL STONE. His eyes well. 106 107 INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY THE PENCIL FINALLY CLATTERS TO A STOP AS... WHOOSH, CLINT GROWS INTO THE PRESENT ALONGSIDE THE OTHERS: SMART HULK HOLDS THE EYE OF AGAMOTTO, SCOTT HAS THE SCEPTER, RHODEY THE ORB, ROCKET & THOR THE EXTRACTION DEVICE, AND TONY & STEVE THE TESSERACT. NEBULA RETRACTS HER TIME SUIT. Everyone looks around, exhausted. Amazed. RHODEY Are you telling me that actually worked? SMART HULK Did we get them all? CLINT DROPS TO HIS KNEES. Steve turns, concerned. STEVE Clint? Are you okay? Clint stares, haunted. SMART HULK realizes... SMART HULK Where’s Nat? (everyone stares) WHERE’S NAT?! Clint looks up at them, eyes glassy. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, RIVER - DAWN SMART HULK, eyes red, stands beside a bench on the dock. Behind him, STEVE, TONY, THOR, AND CLINT STARE OUT, GRIEVING. TONY Do we know if she had family? STEVE Yeah. Us. Thor turns, thrown. THOR Why are you doing that? TONY I’m just asking a question- 107 108 THOR Why are we talking as if she’s dead? We have the stones. Bring her back. C’mon, stop this shit. Clint squeezes away tears. CLINT BARTON We can’t get her back. THOR What’s he talking about? Of course, we can. CLINT BARTON It can’t be undone. That’s why. THOR No offense, but you’re...a very earthly being. We’re talking about space magic, here. “Can’t” seems a little definitive, don’t you think? CLINT BARTON Well, I know I’m a little outside my pay grade here, but, she still isn’t here, is she? THOR That’s my point- CLINT BARTON It can’t be undone. At least that’s what the red, floating guy said. But why don’t you go talk to him, okay? Why don’t you grab your hammer and fly to that place and talk to him. IT CAN’T BE UNDONE. (beat) It was supposed to be me. She sacrificed her life for that goddamn stone. She bet her life on it. That lands heavily on all of them. A moment passes. THEN SMART HULK HURLS THE BENCH INTO THE WATER. It skips across the surface like a stone. SMART HULK She’s not coming back. We have to make it worth it. We have to. 108 109 STEVE We will. PULL BACK, LEAVING OUR MOURNERS IN TABLEAU... INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY ALL SIX INFINITY STONES rest behind safety glass. SOON, ROBOTIC ARMS ENTER FRAME, PLUCKING UP THE POWER STONE. TONY operates the arms as ROCKET and SMART HULK watch. The robot arms swing the stone over to...A NEW IRON MAN GAUNTLET. NANO-TECH SHIFTS AND SLIDES, HOLDING IT IN PLACE. Smart Hulk releases a deep breath. TIME CUT: THE COMPLETED GAUNTLET sits in a cradle, SIX INFINITY STONES EMBEDDED IN THE BACK. Pull back to find... SCOTT, THOR, CLINT, RHODEY, and STEVE watching TONY AND ROCKET FINE TUNE THE GLOVE. ROCKET All right. The glove’s ready. Question is, who’s gonna snap their freaking fingers? Everyone stares a beat. Then, THOR REACHES FOR THE GAUNTLET. THOR I’ll do it. TONY Whoa, whoa, what are you doing- STEVE Thor, we haven’t decided who’s putting that on. THOR Oh. Were all of you just waiting for the right opportunity? ROCKET Maybe I was getting around to it- SCOTT LANG We should at least discuss it- 109 110 THOR Staring at the thing isn’t going to bring everybody back, is it? Look, I’m the strongest Avenger. It’s my responsibility. Fate wills it so. TONY Hold on, hold on- THOR Stop it! Let me do this. Let me do something good. Something right- TONY That thing is channeling enough energy to light up a continent. You’re in no condition- THOR What do you think is coursing through my veins right now? RHODEY Cheez Whiz? THOR Lightning. Smart Hulk steps toward the Gauntlet. SMART HULK Lightning won’t help you, pal. It’s gotta be me. (approaching) You saw what those stones did to Thanos. They almost killed him. None of you could survive. STEVE And how do we know you can? SMART HULK We don’t. But the radiation’s mostly gamma. (beat) It’s like I was made for this... INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY THE QUANTUM TUNNEL LIES IN DARKNESS. Then, clack, the lights come on, revealing... NEBULA, STARING UP AT THE WAITING MACHINE. 110 --- 111 INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY SMART HULK STUDIES THE GAUNTLET. The moment of truth. TONY Good to go? SMART HULK Let’s do it. TONY Okay, remember, everyone Thanos snapped away five years ago, you’re just bringing them back...to today. Don’t change anything from the last five years. Got it? SMART HULK Got it. [PAN AROUND as the Avengers ready themselves] STEVE steps forward, shield on his arm. SCOTT deploys his helmet. RHODEY readies his repulsors. ROCKET covers his raccoon junk and hides behind THOR. TONY armors up, then nanos a shield to protect CLINT beside him. TONY Friday, why don’t you go ahead and activate Barn Door Protocol? STEEL DOORS SLIDE SHUT ALL AROUND THE WORKSHOP. FINALLY, SMART HULK HOLDS UP THE GAUNTLET. SMART HULK (under his breath) Everybody’s coming home... HE SLOWLY SLIPS HIS HAND IN THE GLOVE. SUDDENLY, HE SPASMS, TAKING IN THE POWER AS THANOS DID IN ML1. HE STRUGGLES. THOR What’s happening? Take it off, take if off! STEVE Bruce, you okay? TONY Talk to me, Banner. 111 112 SMART HULK I’m...okay... THEN SMART HULK REACHES OUT HIS HAND...AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS. CRAAAACK! THE STONES FLARE. A BRIGHT SURGE OF ENERGY RACES UP SMART HULK’S ARM. HE ROARS AS HIS EYES BLAZE GREEN. A BLAST WHITES OUT THE SCREEN. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, HANGAR - DAY NEBULA studies THE QUANTUM CONSOLE. She takes off her glove, revealing A PERFECTLY INTACT ARM. THIS IS BAD NEBULA. SHE OPENS A PANEL IN HER ARM, SNAKES OUT A CABLE...AND JACKS INTO THE CONSOLE. THE QUANTUM TUNNEL boots up. AS SHE HURRIES AWAY... EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND - DAY FROM HIGH OVERHEAD, WE SEE THE TIME ENERGY SIGNATURE SHOOT FROM THE HANGAR. AN OMINOUS RIPPLE WARPS ACROSS THE SKY... INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, WORKSHOP - DAY WHOOSH! EVERYTHING COMES BACK INTO VIEW. THE GAUNTLET FALLS OFF, ROLLING ACROSS THE FLOOR. SMART HULK COLLAPSES, ARM WITHERED, SIDE BURNT BLACK. EVERYONE RUSHES OVER. Steve checks Smart Hulk’s pulse. STEVE Bruce! TONY Don’t move him! Then THE BLAST DOORS OPEN, revealing the sound of...CHIRPING. SCOTT walks toward the courtyard. Smart Hulk’s eyes clear. He grasps Steve’s arm. SMART HULK Did it work? They pause, as if it only just now occurred to them. JUST THEN...A CELL PHONE BUZZES. 112 113 A STUNNED CLINT TURNS AND APPROACHES HIS PHONE. On the home [screen, we see A PHOTO OF HIS WIFE] “LAURA CALLING.” CLINT FINALLY PUTS THE PHONE TO HIS EAR. CLINT BARTON Honey? AT THE WINDOW, SCOTT STARES AT A BIRD FEEDER. DOZENS OF CARDINALS AND FINCHES NIBBLE ON THE SEED. SCOTT LANG Guys, I think it- BOOM! THE BUILDING EXPLODES. DEBRIS SWALLOWS THE CAMERA. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND - DAY A MUSHROOM CLOUD BILLOWS OVER AVENGERS COMPOUND. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - DAY Nothing moves. The smoke clears, revealing...A BOMBED OUT CRATER A MILE WIDE. Avengers Compound has been destroyed. Then the light changes...AND THE SANCTUARY-2 parts the clouds. It hovers over the ruins like a vulture. AN ENERGY BEAM drops to the ground, releasing... THANOS, FLANKED BY A SQUAD OF OUTRIDERS. The Mad Titan looks around at the devastation he has wrought. THANOS (INTO COM) Daughter? BAD NEBULA (OVER COM) Yes, father... OUT OF THE SMOKE WALKS ”BAD” NEBULA. Bruised and dirty. THANOS So this is the future. Well done. She tears off THE ORANGE HEAD-PLATE. BAD NEBULA Thank you, Father. They suspected nothing. THANOS The arrogant never do. 113 114 Thanos takes off his helmet, staring up at the crater’s edge. THANOS (CONT'D) Go. Find the stones. Bring them to me. BAD NEBULA What will you do? THANOS Wait. INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE, RUINS - DAY THE UNDERGROUND GARAGE LIES HALF-COLLAPSED. SMART HULK GRITS HIS TEETH, HOLDING UP THE CEILING WITH ONE GOOD ARM, HIS OTHER ARM BURNED AND LIFELESS. BELOW... RHODEY LIES IN THE RUBBLE, WAR MACHINE SUIT SPARKING. RHODEY Canopy! Canopy! Rhodey’s suit RATCHETS OPEN. HE HAULS HIMSELF FREE to see...ROCKET TRAPPED UNDER RUBBLE. AS HE CRAWLS TO HIM... THE CEILING RUMBLES. SMART HULK WAVERS, MUSCLES QUIVERING. RHODEY (INTO COM) (CONT'D) Mayday! Tony. Cap. Does anybody hear me?! HE FINALLY REACHES ROCKET. Rocket wheezes, in pain. RHODEY (CONT'D) Hang on! RHODEY WEDGES A PIECE OF REBAR INTO THE DEBRIS. HE HEAVES, finally managing to lever it off of Rocket. THEN... THE CRACKED CEILING GIVES WAY. A MILLION GALLONS OF RIVER WATER RUSH IN. RHODEY TRIES TO KEEP HIS HEAD ABOVE WATER. RHODEY (INTO COM) (CONT'D) Mayday! Mayday! We are taking on water! INT. TOOL SHOP, RUINS - DAY CLOSE ON SCOTT LANG lying on a SILVER, METAL FLOOR. 114 115 RHODEY (OVER COM) ...anyone...Mayday...Mayday- Scott groans, coming to. SCOTT LANG Wait, what...? REVEAL, TINY SCOTT LYING IN THE RUINS OF THE ARMORY...ON THE IRON PATRIOT HELMET. ROCKET (OVER COM) Tell ‘em to...hurry...asses up- RHODEY (OVER COM) ...trapped...drowning...no time... Scott jumps to his feet. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) No! Wait, I’m here! Scott spots WATER TRICKLING THROUGH THE CRACKED FLOOR. INT. ACCESS TUNNEL - DAY WATER DRIPS FROM A HOLE IN THE ROOF OF AN ACCESS TUNNEL...ONTO CLINT BARTON, LYING FACEDOWN. He groans. [He opens his hand to find HIS CELLPHONE] HIS WIFE SMILES ON THE SCREEN. “LAURA, ONE MISSED CALL.” Clint stares, amazed. He winces, finding he’s been lying atop...THE GAUNTLET. It’s bashed out of shape, BUT ALL SIX STONES STILL GLEAM. CLINT BARTON (INTO COM) Cap? Stark? Anyone? STATIC. Then, he hears...A SCRAPING SOUND, TALONS ON CEMENT. He peers down a darkened tunnel, then unshoulders his bow. HE LOOSES A FLARE ARROW, revealing... DOZENS OF OUTRIDERS SCRABBLING ALONG THE WALLS AND CEILING. CLINT GRABS THE GAUNTLET AND RUNS. THE CREATURES GIVE CHASE. INT./EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, LAB, RUINS - DAY FIRES SMOULDER BENEATH THE COLLAPSED CEILING. MOVE THROUGH SMOKE TO FIND...STEVE, out cold. SOMEONE SHAKES HIM. He wakes to see TONY, HOLDING HIS SHIELD. 115 116 TONY You lose this again, I’m keeping it. STEVE What happened? TONY Told you. We messed with time. Time messed back. Woozy, Steve follows Tony through the ruins of the lab. STEVE Where are the others? TONY I read life signs, maybe 800 feet down, but it’s hard to tell. They reach the edge of the crater where THOR LOOKS DOWN AT...THANOS. Sitting on a rock. Waiting. TONY (CONT'D) What’s he been doing? THOR Absolutely nothing. The three of them stare a long moment. Then, as if sensing them, Thanos turns his head...AND LOOKS THEIR WAY. STEVE Son of a bitch. TONY Yeah. STEVE Where are the stones? TONY Somewhere under all of this. All I know is...he doesn’t have ‘em. STEVE So we keep it that way. That lands. This is their chance. THOR You know it’s a trap. TONY DEPLOYS HIS ARMOR. 116 (MORE) 117 TONY Don’t think I care. THOR Just so we’re all in agreement. [Thor holds out his hand] MJOLNIR FLIES INTO IT. He holds out [his other hand] STORMBREAKER SLAPS INTO HIS PALM. CRACK! LIGHTNING STRIKES AS HE’S COVERED IN CAPE AND ARMOR. THOR (CONT'D) Let’s kill him properly this time. STEVE TIGHTENS HIS SHIELD, LEADING THEM INTO THE CRATER... EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - DAY Thanos sits on his rock, contemplative. THANOS You could not live with your own failure. And where did that bring you? Right back to me. TONY APPROACHES, WARY, AS IF SNEAKING UP ON A RABID DOG. STEVE AND THOR FAN OUT ON EITHER SIDE. THANOS (CONT'D) I thought by eliminating half of life, the other half would thrive. But you’ve shown me that’s impossible. (beat) Life clings to the past with bloody fingernails. As long as there are those who remember what was, there will be those unable to accept what can be. They will resist. TONY Yep. We’re all kinds of stubborn. THANOS I’m thankful. Because now I know what I must do. Thanos reaches for his helmet. THANOS (CONT'D) I will shred this universe down to its last atom. (MORE) 117 THANOS (CONT'D) 118 And then, with the stones you’ve collected for me, create a new one, teeming with life that knows not what it has lost, but only what it has been given. A grateful universe. STEVE Born out of blood. Thanos studies Steve as if seeing him for the first time. THANOS They’ll never know it. THANOS DRAWS A BLADE OFF HIS BACK, TOWERING OVER THEM. THANOS (CONT'D) Because you won’t be alive to tell them. Tony glances over at Steve. Ready? Steve nods... JUST AS THOR CHARGES THANOS. WHAM! ALL THREE AVENGERS ATTACK, USING THEIR SKILLS IN CONCERT. THANOS STUMBLES, ON HIS HEELS. THE HEROES PUNISH HIM, RELENTLESS. PULL UP THROUGH THE HAZE, TO THE SANCTUARY-2... INT. SANCTUARY-2, INTERROGATION CELL - DAY NEBULA huddles alone in A PRISON CELL. After a beat...THE DOORS RATCHET OPEN. She stares into the shadows. NEBULA What do you want? GAMORA STEPS INTO THE CELL. THE TWO SISTERS FROM DIFFERENT ERAS STARE AT EACH OTHER. GAMORA In the future...what happens to you and me? NEBULA I try to kill you. Several times. But, eventually...we become friends. We become sisters. GAMORA That’s hard to believe. THANOS (CONT'D) 118 119 NEBULA A lot of things that happen will be hard to believe. Gamora nearly smiles. She takes a long look at Nebula. Finally...SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND. GAMORA Come on. We can still stop him. Nebula takes a deciding moment. Then SHE GRABS GAMORA’S HAND. One sister pulls the other to her feet. INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE, RUINS - DAY SMART HULK STRAINS AGAINST THE CEILING. RHODEY HANGS ONTO A PIPE AS THE WATER RISES. SMART HULK Rhodey. Rocket. Get out of here. Save yourselves. ROCKET SURFACES FROM BELOW, GASPING. ROCKET No good. Couldn’t even...find a hole...small enough to abandon you through. Suddenly, Smart Hulk snarls in pain as THE CEILING DROPS A FOOT. His legs buckle as he struggles against the weight. Finally he sets his jaw...AND STRAIGHTENS HIS LEGS. SMART HULK AAARRRGH! EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - CONTINUOUS THE BUILDING RIGHTS ITSELF, LEVELING OUT. INT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, RUINS - DAY A RAGING RIVER ROARS THROUGH THE RUINS. AFTER A BEAT...SCOTT LANG ZOOMS PAST, RIDING A PLASTIC BOTTLE CAP. RHODEY (OVER COM) MAYDAY! MAYDAY! SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) HANG ON! I’M COMING! 119 120 INT. ACCESS TUNNEL - DAY SHRIEKING OUTRIDERS CHASE BARTON THROUGH THE TUNNELS. CLINT AFFIXES ARROW-CHARGES TO THE WALLS AS HE RUNS. Just as the Outriders are about to overtake him, Clint hits a button on his bow, DETONATING THE CHARGES... BRINGING THE ROOF DOWN ON TOP OF THE OUTRIDERS. Clint rolls, coming up directly underneath A VERTICAL SHAFT. A cluster of Outriders escape the collapse, lunging for him. Clint shoots a grappling arrow up the shaft, ascending...BUT SO DO THE OUTRIDERS, skittering up the sides. Clint draws his katana, slashing the aliens just as... INT. ACCESS TUNNEL, UPPER CHAMBERS - CONTINUOUS HE TUMBLES INTO THE UPPER CHAMBER. He gasps, safe. Then he looks up to see (BAD) NEBULA, LOOMING OVER HIM. CLINT BARTON Oh, hey. I know you. She gently takes the Gauntlet. BAD NEBULA (INTO COM) Father. I have the stones. CLINT BARTON What- Clint tries to get up, but Nebula puts a boot in his chest and A BLASTER TO HIS HEAD... GAMORA (O.S.) Stop. COVERING CLINT, BAD NEBULA TURNS TO SEE...GAMORA, GUN RAISED. BAD NEBULA You’re betraying us? GAMORA Not you. GOOD NEBULA steps from the shadows, hands raised, placating. Bad Nebula stares at her future self. 120 121 NEBULA You don’t have to do this. BAD NEBULA I am this. GAMORA No. You’re not. Good Nebula takes a tiny step forward. She taps her head. NEBULA You’ve seen what we become- GAMORA Sister, listen to her- BAD NEBULA Shut up. You’re a traitor! NEBULA You can change. Bad Nebula struggles, her face a twisted grimace. BAD NEBULA He won’t let me. BAD NEBULA FIRES AT GAMORA, JUST AS GOOD NEBULA DRAWS A GUN AND SHOOTS HER DOWN. BAD NEBULA DROPS. Good Nebula stares at her dead younger self, conflicted. Clint picks up the gauntlet, very confused. CLINT BARTON I’m not even gonna ask. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - DAY [TONY’S HUD] TONY GLARES RIGHT AT US, AS... THOR SMASHES HIS HAMMERS TOGETHER, HURLING LIGHTNING INTO THE BACK OF THE IRON MAN SUIT. TONY SENDS THE RESULTING OVERLOAD AT THANOS...BUT THANOS PROPELLERS HIS BLADE, HOLDING BACK THE BLAST. THOR USES STORMBREAKER TO BAT MJOLNIR AT THANOS... THANOS SNATCHES TONY BY THE ANKLE AND USES HIM AS A SHIELD AGAINST THE ONCOMING HAMMER. WHACK! 121 122 MJOLNIR PLOWS INTO THE DIRT. TONY GOES TUMBLING, OUT COLD. [TONY’S HUD] FRIDAY TRIES TO REVIVE HIM. FRIDAY (O.S.) Boss? Wake up! INT. UNDERGROUND GARAGE, RUINS - DAY ROCKET, RHODEY, AND SMART HULK GULP AIR, INCHES FROM THE CEILING, FACING THE END. RHODEY GLANCES OVER AT SMART HULK. RHODEY See you on the other side, man. They take a last breath, THEN THE WATER HITS THE CEILING. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - DAY Steve slashes at Thanos. The Titan brutally bats him aside. Thor attacks, but Thanos drives him through walls of debris. THANOS SMASHES HIS FIST INTO THOR’S FACE, OVER AND OVER. Thor calls for Stormbreaker, but Thanos intercepts it. He presses the blade into Thor’s chest, trying to drive it home. Then, across the field...MJOLNIR RISES INTO THE AIR. THANOS GRINS, ABOUT TO FINISH THOR OFF, WHEN...MJOLNIR FLIES IN, KNOCKING THE AXE OUT OF HIS HAND. Follow the hammer as it flies back to the only other man worthy enough to wield it...STEVE ROGERS. Half-conscious, THOR SEES STEVE HOLDING MJOLNIR. THOR I...knew...it... STEVE ATTACKS, CRACKING THANOS IN THE JAW. THANOS TUMBLES. BEFORE THE TITAN CAN GET UP, STEVE CALLS DOWN THE LIGHTNING AND SENDS IT CRACKLING INTO THANOS’ BODY. Steve leaps, trying to finish Thanos off...BUT THANOS ROLLS ASIDE, HEAD-BUTTING STEVE BACKWARDS. THANOS GETS TO HIS FEET, A FAINT SMILE ON HIS FACE. HE WHIPS OFF HIS HELMET AND ATTACKS STEVE WITH HIS BLADE. BLOW AFTER BLOW. IT’S ALL STEVE CAN DO TO GET HIS SHIELD UP. 122 123 THANOS HACKS THE SHIELD TO PIECES, FINALLY KNOCKING STEVE ACROSS THE FIELD. Steve lies beaten, half a shield still attached to his arm. THANOS In all my years of conquest... Thanos looks out at the tiny human struggling to stand. THANOS (CONT'D) Of violence and slaughter...it was never personal. Thanos gestures behind him as A RUMBLE ECHOES. [THOUSANDS OF ALIENS RING THE LIP OF THE CRATER] THE BLACK ORDER LEADS A PLATOON OF CHITAURI, SAKAARANS, AND OUTRIDERS. THANOS (CONT'D) But I’ll tell you now, the things I’m about to do to your stubborn, annoying, little planet... Q-SHIPS, DROPSHIPS, NECROCRAFT, AND LEVIATHANS BUZZ ABOVE. THANOS (CONT'D) I’m going to enjoy it. Very, very much. Steve stares at Thanos and his army. And even in the face of such overwhelming odds...he gets to his feet. THANOS stares, almost sad, as Steve tightens the broken shield on his arm...AND STARTS WALKING TOWARD HIM. One man against thousands. All alone. But just then, Steve’s COM CRACKLES. He strains to hear. The com crackles again. We can make out A MUFFLED VOICE. MUFFLED VOICE (ON COM) -ap-...-comin-...-ot- Steve shakes his head, trying to clear it. Slowly, SOUND RETURNS...AND THE WORDS RING CLEAR: SAM WILSON (O.S.) Cap. On your left. PULL BACK...TO SEE A PORTAL OPENING IN THE DISTANCE. OUT OF IT FLIES...SAM WILSON. 123 124 Steve watches Sam soar over the field, then turns AS EVEN MORE PORTALS OPEN. [FROM ONE] DR. STRANGE, PETER QUILL, DRAX, MANTIS, PETER PARKER...AND KRAGLIN AND THE RAVAGERS. [FROM ANOTHER] T’CHALLA, OKOYE, SHURI, M’BAKU, WANDA, BUCKY, GROOT...AND THE WAKANDAN ARMY. [FROM A THIRD] VALKYRIE, KORG, MIEK...AND AN ASGARDIAN ARMY. [FROM A FOURTH] PEPPER POTTS (IN RESCUE ARMOR), HOPE VAN DYNE, AND WONG LEADING A SQUAD OF SORCERERS. THOR gets to his feet, calling Stormbreaker to his hand as...TONY regains consciousness, staring out at the cavalry. Wong and Strange quickly find each other. DR. STRANGE Is that everyone? WONG You wanted more?! JUST THEN, THE GROUND SHAKES AND RUBBLE EXPLODES UPWARDS AS...GIANT-MAN BURSTS FROM BELOW. SCOTT LANG Top floor, everybody out! HE OPENS HIS HUGE HAND, RELEASING ROCKET, SMART HULK, AND RHODEY, NOW IN HIS COSMIC IRON PATRIOT ARMOR. STEVE TAKES IN HIS REINFORCEMENTS, THEN STARES OUT AT THANOS. PAN ACROSS OUR HEROES AS STEVE CALLS MJOLNIR TO HIS HAND. STEVE Avengers...assemble. THOR LETS LOOSE A BATTLE CRY AS HE CHARGES! EVERYONE FOLLOWS SUIT AS OUR HEROES FLOOD THE FIELD. ACROSS THE WAY, THANOS SMILES AND POINTS HIS BLADE. TWO MIGHTY ARMIES RACE TOWARD EACH OTHER UNTIL...CLASH! GIANT-MAN SLUGS A LEVIATHAN IN THE JAW. DRAX launches himself onto a CULL currently choking the life out of KORG. 124 125 TONY blasts overhead. RESCUE joins him. Together, they strafe the field. STEVE and THOR fight together. Both hold out their hands. Stormbreaker returns to Steve, Mjolnir to Thor, who frowns. THOR No. You take the little one. Elsewhere, TONY BATTLES SEVERAL CULLS. One knocks him into an Outrider, who’s about to rip his armor off when... THWIP. PETER PARKER webs the Outrider, yanking him into the path of...GIANT-MAN’S FOOT. SQUISH. Tony stares at Peter, emotional. They retract their helmets. PETER PARKER Mr. Stark. Holy cow, you would not believe what’s been going on. Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty? I must’ve passed out, because I woke up and you weren’t there, but Dr. Strange was, and he was like, “it’s been five years, they need us.” And he started doing that yellow sparkly thing he does- But Tony just wraps his arms around him, smashing Peter’s face into his chest plate. PETER PARKER (CONT'D) (muffled) Oh. This is nice. ACROSS THE FIELD...QUILL flies, firing down on Sakaaran soldiers. One leaps off an outcropping... TACKLING QUILL INTO A WRECKED FUSELAGE, WHERE ANOTHER SAKAARAN WAITS. Quill drops one, but the other raises his weapon to strike. THEN BLAM! The Sakaaran drops dead on top of Quill. He pushes the body off to see...GAMORA, BLASTER STILL SMOKING. Quill stares, amazed. QUILL Gamora? HE APPROACHES, OVERWHELMED, EMOTIONAL. 125 126 QUILL (CONT'D) I thought I lost you. He tenderly strokes her face...and she knees him in the nuts. Twice. He goes down, gasping. QUILL (CONT'D) You missed the first time...then you got ‘em both the second time. She stares down at him as...NEBULA JOINS HER. GAMORA This is the one? Seriously? NEBULA Your choices were him or a tree. ACROSS THE FIELD...CLINT RUNS WITH THE GAUNTLET, PURSUED BY A CHITAURI APE. Just before the ape tramples Clint... SAM WILSON SWOOPS IN, CUTTING THE CREATURE DOWN. Clint runs on. The heroes confer over coms. CLINT BARTON What do you want to do with this thing? STEVE Get those stones as far away as possible! SMART HULK No! We need to send them back where they came from. TONY There’s no way to send them back. Thanos destroyed our time machine. SCOTT LANG Hold on! (shrinking to normal size) That wasn’t our only time machine. He clicks the KEYS TO LUIS’ VAN. From a distance, we hear, “LA CUCARACHA.” Steve immediately gets it. STEVE Does anyone see an ugly, brown van out there? ABOVE, VALKYRIE SCANS THE FIELD FROM HER PEGASUS. 126 127 VALKYRIE Yeah. But you’re not going to like where it’s parked. LUIS’ VAN SITS SURROUNDED BY THOUSANDS OF ALIENS, DEEP BEHIND ENEMY LINES. [STEVE SURVEYS THE FIELD] AN ARMY STANDS BETWEEN THEM AND THE VAN, AIR AND GROUND CHOKED WITH ENEMIES. TONY (INTO COM) Scott, how long do you need to get that thing working? SCOTT LANG Uh, maybe ten minutes. STEVE Get it started. We’ll get the stones to you. HOPE VAN DYNE We’re on it, Cap. SCOTT glances at her. Cap? THEY SHRINK DOWN AND FLY AWAY. TONY FLIES UP TO DR. STRANGE, HOVERING. TONY Doc. You said we win one in 14 million. Is this how it goes down? DR. STRANGE If I tell you what happens, it won’t happen. TONY You better be right. Tony rockets away. Strange coolly watches him go. ACROSS THE FIELD...EBONY MAW RUSHES TO THANOS. EBONY MAW Sire, the stones! THANOS TURNS TO SEE...CLINT FIGHTING THROUGH THE HORDE, CARRYING THE GAUNTLET. A CULL HAMMERS CLINT, BUT THEN...T’CHALLA SLASHES THE CULL. T’CHALLA Clint, give it to me. 127 128 CLINT HANDS THE GAUNTLET TO T’CHALLA, WHO TUCKS IT AND RUNS. ACROSS THE FIELD...SCOTT AND HOPE FLY OVER A LONG PLATOON OF CHITAURI, TOWARD LUIS’ VAN. INT./EXT LUIS’ VAN - CONTINUOUS They GROW TO NORMAL SIZE in the front seat. Out the windshield, THANOS’ HORDE CHARGES AT THEIR FRIENDS. SCOTT LANG (digging around) Ignition’s broken. I’ll hotwire it- HOPE VAN DYNE Wait, you know how to do that? Scott splices wires. Sparks fly. SCOTT LANG I was in prison. I know how to do a lot of things. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, CRATER - DAY T’CHALLA RACES THROUGH THE HORDE...BUT THEN THANOS KNOCKS HIM OFF HIS FEET. THE GAUNTLET GOES TUMBLING. AS THANOS MOVES IN ON T’CHALLA...ALL AROUND, WRECKAGE BEGINS TO FLOAT. THANOS LOOKS UP TO SEE... WANDA, HOVERING IN THE AIR, WAITING FOR HIM. WANDA You took everything from me. Thanos takes THE BLADE off his back. THANOS I don’t even know who you are. WANDA You will. WANDA UNLEASHES A STORM OF RED ENERGY, HURLING WRECKAGE AT HIM. AS THANOS FIGHTS HIS WAY THROUGH IT... T’CHALLA DIVES FOR THE FALLEN GAUNTLET. SUDDENLY...EBONY MAW MANIPULATES THE EARTH, PULLING THE GAUNTLET TOWARD HIM. T’CHALLA WRAPS HIMSELF AROUND THE GLOVE, GETTING DRAGGED. 128 129 PETER PARKER (O.S.) I GOT IT! T’CHALLA TURNS TO SEE PETER WHIZZING PAST. HE HURLS THE GAUNTLET...THWIP! Peter snatches it out of the air. HE LANDS, ONLY TO FIND HIMSELF SURROUNDED BY OUTRIDERS. PETER PARKER (CONT'D) Activate instant kill! His robotic arms slash with expert precision. ACROSS THE FIELD...WANDA LIFTS THANOS INTO THE AIR, RIPS HIS ARMOR OFF IN PIECES, THEN SLAMS HIM BACK TO THE GROUND. Thanos groans, outmatched. THANOS (INTO COM) Rain fire. Wipe them all out. CORVUS GLAIVE FIGHTS GROOT. CORVUS GLAIVE But, sire, our troops- THANOS (INTO COM) Just do it! HIGH ABOVE...THE SANCTUARY-2 DESCENDS, CANNONS OPENING UP. BELOW...WANDA looks up, raising a force field just as... THE SANCTUARY-2 FIRES DOWN WITH EVERYTHING IT HAS. SAKAARANS AND JABARI ALIKE GO FLYING AS EVERY SQUARE INCH GETS HIT. THE BARRAGE HAMMERS THE RIVERBANK. CRACKS FORM. PEPPER CUTS DOWN AN ALIEN, THEN SPOTS SOMETHING OFF SCREEN. PEPPER POTTS (INTO COM) Um, is anyone else seeing this? TONY, SMART HULK, AND GAMORA turn to see...WATER GUSHING AS THE RIVERBANK THREATENS TO COLLAPSE. SUDDENLY... STRANGE AND WONG CONJURE TWO HUGE RUNE SHIELDS TO SHORE UP THE BANK. MORE WIZARDS JOIN, CREATING A HUGE “RUNE LEVEE.” THE SANCTUARY-2 MAINTAINS ITS BARRAGE. ACROSS THE FIELD...STEVE spots PETER PARKER gradually being overwhelmed by Outriders. 129 130 PETER PARKER I got this...I got this...I don’t got this. STEVE Hey, Queens! Heads up! STEVE HURLS MJOLNIR OVER THE THRONG. PETER WEBS ON...LETTING THE HAMMER PULL HIM OUT OF DANGER. A MORTAR BLAST KNOCKS HIM OUT OF THE SKY, BUT PEPPER POTTS RESCUES HIM. PEPPER POTTS Hang on, kid. I’ve got you. She drags him above the fray, then tosses him to...VALKYRIE FLYING PAST. PETER PERCHES ATOP PEGASUS. PETER PARKER Hey, nice to meet you-aaaaarg! VALKYRIE SPURS INTO HIGH GEAR, DODGING CANNON FIRE... BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH. A BLAST KNOCKS PETER TO THE GROUND. HE GASPS, COVERED IN DEBRIS, STILL CLUTCHING THE GAUNTLET. ALL AROUND THE FIELD, THE RELENTLESS BARRAGE PINS DOWN OUR HEROES. ALL HOPE IS LOST. Rocket and Groot dive for cover. Groot wraps his branches around them both. ROCKET At least we’re going out together this time... SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING GOES SILENT. ROCKET PEERS OUT FROM COVER TO SEE...THE CANNONS SWIVELING UP TOWARD THE CLOUDS. SAM WILSON flies overhead. SAM WILSON What the hell is this? [TONY’S HUD] TONY FLIES OVERHEAD, SEARCHING UPWARD. TONY Friday, what are they firing at? FRIDAY (O.S.) Something just entered the upper atmosphere. 130 131 Rocket looks up at...A COMET HEADING STRAIGHT FOR EARTH. GROOT (nervous) I am Groot. Rocket grins, knowing what’s coming. ROCKET Just wait for it. SUDDENLY, THE COMET VEERS...RIGHT TOWARD THE SHIP. BOOM! THE COMET TEARS THROUGH THE SANCTUARY-2, RIGHT OUT THE OTHER SIDE, REVEALING...CAROL DANVERS. ROCKET (CONT'D) Oh, yeah! CAROL GLOWS BRIGHTER AS SHE GOES BINARY, ROCKETING AGAIN THROUGH THE HULL. BOOM! THE SHIP LISTS, ENGINES EXPLODING. CAROL EYES THE BATTLEFIELD, EXHAUSTED, LIGHT FADING. STEVE (OVER COM) Danvers! We’re gonna need an assist down here! CAROL DANVERS (INTO COM) (under ragged breath) Roger...Rogers... INT. VAN - DAY Scott twists wires on the Quantum Tunnel, hotwiring it. SCOTT LANG (INTO COM) I’m almost there. Where’s the glove? EXT. CRATER - DAY CAROL LANDS IN FRONT OF A DAZED PETER PARKER, WHO STILL HOLDS THE GAUNTLET TIGHT. HE LOOKS UP, CONFUSED. PETER PARKER Uh, hey. I’m Peter Parker. CAROL DANVERS Hey, Peter Parker. You got something for me? 131 132 Peter hands it over, staring out at the approaching horde. PETER PARKER I don’t know how you’re gonna get it through all that- WANDA (O.S.) Don’t worry, kid... Peter turns to see... WANDA, OKOYE, GAMORA, NEBULA, VALKYRIE, HOPE, AND SHURI WAITING. Wanda’s hands begin to glow. OKOYE She’s got help. Carol glances at PEPPER and MANTIS, then tucks the gauntlet under her arm AND LEADS THEM OUT. AT THE RIDGE...Thanos spots THE WOMEN OF MARVEL BLASTING THROUGH HIS TROOPS. HE TRACKS THEIR PATH TO...THE VAN. SCOTT KICKS THE REAR DOORS OPEN, EXPOSING THE QUANTUM TUNNEL. SCOTT LANG Thirty seconds! Thanos understands immediately. HE GRABS PROXIMA’S SPEAR FROM HER, AND STARTS RUNNING... ACROSS THE FIELD...EBONY MAW SENDS WANDA TUMBLING, BUT SHURI BLASTS HIM OUT OF THE SKY. CULL OBSIDIAN HAMMERS VALKYRIE, BUT NEBULA TAKES HIM OUT. CAROL KEEPS GOING, GAUNTLET TUCKED UNDER HER ARM, GETTING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO... THE VAN...WHERE THE QUANTUM TUNNEL BURSTS TO LIFE. ACROSS THE FIELD...GROUNDED HEROES LOOK UP TO SEE CAROL NOW JUST YARDS AWAY FROM THE GOAL. SHE PUTS HER HEAD DOWN, FLYING FOR ALL SHE’S WORTH. BUT JUST AS SHE REACHES THE GAPING VAN DOORS... THANOS THROWS THE SPEAR... BOOM! THE VAN EXPLODES, SENDING SCOTT AND CAROL FLYING, TAKING OUT SOME OF THE WIZARDS HOLDING BACK THE RIVER. THANOS CATCHES PROXIMA’S RETURNING SPEAR. 132 133 TIME SLOWS AS...STEVE, THOR, AND TONY SPOT...THE GAUNTLET, LYING UNGUARDED IN THE DIRT. The problem is...SO DOES THANOS. TIME RESUMES AS...THEY ALL SCRAMBLE FOR THE STONES. THEY COLLIDE. THANOS SNATCHES UP THE GAUNTLET, KICKING THOR DOWN. THANOS KNOCKS TONY ASIDE, THEN SQUEEZES THE CRUSHED GAUNTLET, POPPING IT OPEN...JUST WIDE ENOUGH TO PUT HIS HAND INSIDE. STEVE LUNGES, BUT THANOS THROTTLES HIM. FINALLY CLEAR, THANOS SLIPS ON THE GAUNTLET. BUT BEFORE HE CAN SNAP... CAROL ARRIVES. SHE GRABS THE GLOVE, PREVENTING HIM FROM CLOSING HIS FIST. HE HEADBUTTS HER...BUT SHE DOESN’T MOVE. CAROL PRESSES THANOS DOWN, BUT BEFORE HE FALLS... THANOS PULLS THE POWER STONE FROM ITS HOUSING AND PUNCHES CAROL, SENDING HER FLYING. THE FIELD GOES QUIET. NOW, NOTHING STANDS IN THANOS’ WAY. Tony gets to his knees, realizing... The Avengers are going to lose. ACROSS THE FIELD...WATER STARTS TO SPILL INTO THE CRATER. STRANGE TRIES TO HOLD IT BACK...BUT IT’S A LOSING BATTLE. He looks to Tony... Tony meets his eye. And in that moment, all Strange can do is hold up a single finger. “One.” ACROSS THE FIELD...THANOS RETURNS THE POWER STONE TO THE GAUNTLET. JUST AS THE ENERGY SURGES THROUGH HIM... TONY LUNGES FOR THE GAUNTLET IN THANOS’ HAND, NANO-CLAMPING IT IN A VISE. THANOS KNOCKS HIM ASIDE. HE LIFTS HIS HAND IN THE AIR, TRIUMPHANT. THANOS I am...inevitable. THANOS SNAPS HIS FINGERS. But nothing happens. Confused, Thanos turns the glove over to find...THE STONES ARE GONE. He looks to see...TONY, NANO-PARTICLES SLIDING AND SHIFTING, FORMING A NEW GAUNTLET ON HIS OWN WRIST: 133 134 COMPLETE WITH SIX INFINITY STONES. POWER SURGES THROUGH TONY, EXCRUCIATING, BUT HE STILL LIFTS HIS HAND... TONY And I...am Iron Man. SNAP! WHOOSH. THE TIDAL WAVE EVAPORATES INTO MIST. ALL AROUND THE FIELD, SAKAARANS AND OUTRIDERS FOLD IN ON THEMSELVES, ATOMS DISINTEGRATING. THANOS LOOKS AROUND, WATCHING HIS TROOPS DISAPPEAR. SHIPS VANISH FROM THE SKY. CULLS, CHITAURI, ALL BLOW AWAY... LEAVING THANOS STANDING ALONE. AFTER A LONG MOMENT, HE SITS DOWN ON A ROCK...AND ACCEPTS HIS FATE. He watches as... HIS ATOMS DISSOLVE. FINALLY, THANOS DISAPPEARS. ACROSS THE FIELD, QUILL turns to GAMORA...BUT FINDS HER GONE. QUILL Babe? Gamora? ACROSS THE FIELD...TONY STARK FALLS BACK AGAINST THE UPTURNED ROOTS OF A TREE, ARMOR SMOKING, ARM WITHERED AND BLACKENED. Dying. RHODEY RUSHES TO HIM, BUT WITH ONE LOOK, HE KNOWS IT’S TOO LATE. TONY EXHALES, ALMOST LETTING GO. Then... PETER PARKER lands, kneeling, taking Tony’s hand. PETER PARKER Mr. Stark...Tony...it’s okay, it’s okay...Mr. Stark, we won. You did it, sir... But Tony gazes past him. Rhodey puts his hand on Peter’s shoulder, guiding him away... AS PEPPER ARRIVES. She kneels, heartsick. PEPPER POTTS Hey, Friday, what’ve we got? FRIDAY (O.S.) Life functions critical. Pepper stares into her husband’s eyes...and knows. 134 (MORE) 135 PEPPER POTTS Tony, look at me. We’re going to be okay... He stares at her, tears welling. I’m sorry. She touches his face, then leans in to kiss him. PEPPER POTTS (CONT'D) You can rest now. When she pulls back, she sees his eyes, fixed and glassy. Everything goes quiet. All around, OUR HEROES GATHER, the full weight of what’s happened dawning on them. Tony Stark is gone. FADE TO BLACK. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT PETER PARKER enters a hallway teeming with students. He searches the crowd, finally finding...NED LEEDS. As they embrace... EXT. SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT Fireworks explode over the skyline of San Francisco. TONY (O.S.) Everybody wants a happy ending. But it doesn’t always roll that way. Maybe this time. On Cassie’s porch, SCOTT watches with HOPE and CASSIE, all of them grinning. EXT. BARTON HOME, FRONT PORCH - DAY TWO BIKES lean on the porch of THE BARTON FARM HOUSE. Then the front door opens...and COOPER and LILA BARTON step out. TONY (O.S.) I’m hoping if you play this back, it’s in celebration. (MORE) 135 TONY (O.S.) (CONT'D) (MORE) 136 I hope families are reunited, I hope we get it back and something like a normal version of the planet has been restored. If there ever was such a thing. She looks up at...A QUINJET descending from the sky. EXT. WAKANDA - SUNSET ON THE PALACE BALCONY...T’CHALLA embraces his mother, RAMONDA. Shuri turns from them to the magnificent sunset. TONY (O.S.) God, what a world. Universe, now. If you’d told me ten years ago that we weren’t alone, let alone to this extent, I probably wouldn’t have been surprised. But come on... EXT BARTON HOME - DAY The Quinjet touches down. The rear jump door opens, revealing CLINT. He stares at Lila and Cooper, overwhelmed. TONY (O.S.) Who knew what epic forces of dark and light would come into play? For better or worse, that’s the reality our children get to grow up in. They throw themselves into his arms. He kisses their heads, tears in his eyes. Finally, he looks up to see... LAURA BARTON, beaming, tearful, holding THREE YEAR-OLD NATHANIEL’S HAND. Clint gathers them all into a hug. INT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, LIVING ROOM - DAY A HOLOGRAM of TONY STARK projects from an IRON MAN HELMET on the table. TONY (O.S.) That’s why I thought I’d probably better record a little greeting, in the case of…an untimely death on my part. TONY (O.S.) (CONT'D) (MORE) 136 TONY (O.S.) (CONT'D) 137 I mean, death at any time is untimely, but...this “time travel” thing we’re going to try to pull off tomorrow has me scratching my head about the “survivability” of it all. But that’s the hero gig, right? Part of the journey is the end. REVERSE to find PEPPER, MORGAN, HAPPY HOGAN, RHODEY, THOR, STEVE, SMART HULK, and CLINT, all dressed in black, watching. TONY (CONT'D) What am I even tripping for? Everything is going to work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. HOLO TONY seems to look out at the gathered heroes...and Morgan in particular. TONY (CONT'D) I love you 3000. He switches off the camera, vanishing. Tears streaming, Pepper kisses Morgan’s forehead. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, BACK STAIRS - DAY PEPPER and MORGAN slowly descend the stairs, carrying an RT RINGED WITH FLOWERS. The Avengers follow, somber. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, LAKESIDE - DAY PEPPER RESTS THE FLOWERS ON THE WATER. [CLOSE ON THE RT] “Proof That Tony Stark Has A Heart.” Pull back, past Morgan and HAPPY HOGAN... PAST STEVE, SAM, RHODEY, AND WANDA... PAST CLINT, LAURA, LILA, COOPER, and NATHANIEL... PAST THOR AND SMART HULK... PAST SCOTT, HOPE, HANK PYM, and JANET VAN DYNE... PAST PETER PARKER and AUNT MAY... PAST T’CHALLA, OKOYE, and SHURI, TONY (O.S.) (CONT'D) 137 138 PAST STRANGE and WONG... PAST QUILL, NEBULA, GROOT, MANTIS, and ROCKET... PAST BUCKY BARNES... PAST SECRETARY ROSS and HARLEY KEENER... PAST MARIA HILL, CAROL DANVERS, and, finally, NICK FURY. THE MOURNERS MOVE TO THE EDGE OF THE LAKE. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, LAKESIDE - DAY LATER...CLINT looks out at the lake. WANDA approaches. CLINT BARTON I just wish there were some way I could let her know that we won. That we did it. WANDA She knows. They both do. Clint puts his arm around her. They stare out at the water. EXT. STARK ECO-COMPOUND, PORCH/BACK STAIRS- DAY ON THE PORCH, HAPPY HOGAN HOLDS MORGAN’S HAND. HAPPY HOGAN How are you doing, squirt? You hungry? MORGAN STARK Uh, huh. HAPPY HOGAN What do you want? MORGAN STARK Cheeseburgers? Happy takes a beat, choked up. Like father like daughter. HAPPY HOGAN Did you know your dad liked cheeseburgers? MORGAN STARK No, I didn’t know that. 138 139 HAPPY HOGAN I’m going to get you all the cheeseburgers you want. EXT. NEW ASGARD, HILLSIDE - DAY THOR and VALKYRIE look down on NEW ASGARD. VALKYRIE So when can we expect you back? THOR About that... VALKYRIE Thor, your people need a king. THOR They already have one. And she’s a far better king than I could ever be. VALKYRIE Are you serious? THOR It’s time to be who I am, rather than who I’m supposed to be. And a leader is who you are. She processes this. Does she want it? She does. VALKYRIE You know, I’d make a lot of changes around here. THOR I’m counting on it, Your Majesty. Emotional, Val finally SHAKES HIS HAND. VALKYRIE What will you do? THOR I’m not entirely sure. For the first time in a thousand years, I have no path. (beat) But I do have a ride. REVEAL...THE BENATAR parked behind them, Rocket alongside. 139 140 ROCKET Move it or lose it, Hairbag. INT. BENATAR - DAY THOR drops his duffle bag on the deck of the Benatar. QUILL, MANTIS, DRAX, NEBULA, and ROCKET ready the engines. THOR Home sweet home. Tree! Good to see you. The Asgardians of the Galaxy, together again. He settles beside Quill, who holomaps their course. THOR (CONT'D) All right, where first? He swipes through images on the screen. QUILL You know, I’m still in charge, here, right? THOR Of course. Of course... Thor swipes the map again. QUILL See, when you keep swiping my map, that sounds kind of like, “of course, I know you think you’re still in charge-” THOR Quail, that’s your own insecurities bubbling up. DRAX You should fight one another for the honor of leadership. NEBULA Sounds fair. QUILL That’s not necessary... ROCKET I’ve got some blasters right here. Unless you want to use knives. 140 141 MANTIS Oh, yes, please, use knives- QUILL No one’s using knives! GROOT I am Groot! Quill and Thor exchange nervous laughter. THOR There’ll be no knifing young Quail today. Everyone knows who’s in charge. A long awkward moment passes. QUILL Me. (sotto, to Thor) Right? Thor just smiles... EXT. NEW ASGARD, HILLSIDE - DAY The ship rises. WHOOSH. IT MAKES THE JUMP AND DISAPPEARS. EXT. AVENGERS COMPOUND, RUINS - DAY CONSTRUCTION CREWS REMOVE RUBBLE FROM AVENGERS COMPOUND. A COMMAND TENT stands in a clearing beside... A NEW QUANTUM TUNNEL (3.0). As STEVE, SAM, and BUCKY wait, SMART HULK makes last minute adjustments. He finally opens A CASE: THE SIX INFINITY STONES GLOW INSIDE. SMART HULK Remember, you’ll have to return the stones to the exact moment they were taken. Otherwise, we’re still looking at a whole bunch of nasty alternate realities. STEVE Got it. I’ll clip all the branches. 141 142 Steve takes the case. SMART HULK You know, I tried. When I had the gauntlet. I really tried to bring her back. (beat) I miss her. STEVE Me, too. SMART HULK You’d better get going. We’re almost ready for you. Steve and Sam approach the platform. SAM WILSON You look a little nervous going by yourself. Ask nicely, I’ll go with you. STEVE You’re a good man, Sam. But this one’s on me. When Steve reaches the platform, BUCKY stops him, pointed. STEVE (CONT'D) Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back, okay? BUCKY BARNES How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you. Steve grins. Bucky gives him a long hug. BUCKY BARNES (CONT'D) Gonna miss you, buddy. STEVE It’s going to be okay, Buck. Steve picks up Mjolnir and takes his place on the platform. SAM LOOKS TO SMART HULK AT THE CONSOLE. SAM WILSON How long’s this gonna take? 142 143 SMART HULK For him, as long as he needs. For us, five seconds. (calling out) Ready, Cap? You’re good to go. Meet you right back here, okay? Steve glances at Bucky as he answers. STEVE You bet. SMART HULK Going Quantum in three, two, one. STEVE TAPS HIS CUFF AND SHRINKS TO NOTHING. SMART HULK (CONT'D) Aaand, returning in five... four...three...two...one- Silence. Nothing happens. SAM WILSON Where is he? SMART HULK I don’t know. He blew past our time stamp. He should be here. SAM WILSON Get him back! SMART HULK I’m trying. SAM WILSON Get him the hell back- SMART HULK I’M TRYING! Just then...Bucky looks out to the water. BUCKY BARNES Sam. Sam turns... EXT AVENGERS COMPOUND, RIVERBANK - CONTINUOUS Work crews have cleared a space overlooking the river. There, AN OLD MAN sits on a bench, staring out at the Hudson. 143 144 Move around him to find SAM watching from A FEW YARDS AWAY. SAM WILSON Hey, Cap. [The man turns and we now see] STEVE ROGERS, age 112. OLD STEVE Hi, Sam. SAM WILSON Something go wrong...or something go right? OLD STEVE I thought, after everything that’s happened...maybe I should try out some of that life Tony always told me to get. SAM WILSON How was it? Steve looks at the river, 112 years of emotion in his face. OLD STEVE It was beautiful. SAM WILSON I’m happy for you. Really. OLD STEVE Thanks. SAM WILSON Only thing bumming me out is now I live in a world without Captain America. Steve pulls up A CASE from beside him, giving it to Sam. OLD STEVE That’s kind of why I’m here. Sam unzips it, revealing...A BRAND NEW SHIELD. SAM WILSON Where did you even get this? OLD STEVE I had a little time to travel. (beat) Try it on. 144 145 Sam hesitates. He glances back at Bucky, who nods. Then Sam picks up the shield...and puts it on. OLD STEVE (CONT'D) How does it feel? SAM WILSON Like it’s someone else’s. OLD STEVE It isn’t. Sam tries to check his emotion. He shakes Steve’s hand. SAM WILSON Thank you. I’ll try my best. Steve rests his other hand on Sam’s. OLD STEVE That’s why it’s yours. Sam smiles, noticing...STEVE’S TARNISHED WEDDING RING. SAM WILSON You gonna tell me about her? Steve smiles to himself at the end of a long, long life. OLD STEVE Nope. I don’t think I will. [CUE MUSIC] “IT’S BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME,” HARRY JAMES. EXT. COLUMBIA HEIGHTS, WASHINGTON DC - DAY A PACKARD rolls down a block of WASHINGTON D.C. ROW HOUSES. [TITLE] “WASHINGTON D.C., 1949.” Find a red house in the middle of the block. Move up the steps to the front door...WHICH HANGS WIDE OPEN. INT. RED HOUSE, COLUMBIA HEIGHTS, WASHINGTON DC - DAY A TEA CUP LIES SHATTERED on the hardwood. We hear Harry James. Move into the living room...past the record player... TO WHERE STEVE DANCES WITH A WOMAN. They rock back and forth barely moving. As they turn, we see... 145 146 PEGGY CARTER, tears streaming down her face. He steps on her toe. She laughs. As they turn, we get a good look at... Steve Rogers, eyes shut, finally getting the life he deserves. THE END. 146 All rights reserved. Copyright © 2019 Marvel. No portion of this script may be performed, published, reproduced, sold or distributed by any means, or quoted or published in any medium, including any website, without the prior written consent of Marvel Studios, Inc. Disposal of this script copy does alter any of the restrictions set forth above.

{"title": "Avengers: Endgame"}

marvel/pdunton

Marvel’s THE AVENGERS Written By Joss Whedon Story By Zak Penn and Joss Whedon Based on the characters appearing in the comic books Published by MARVEL Comics 1 EXT. UNKNOWN AREA OF SPACE 1 Space, a floating staircase among the rocks...THE OTHER speaks to a DISEMBODIED FIGURE in a chair. THE OTHER (V.O) The Tesseract has awakened. It is on a little world, a human world. They would wield its power. THE OTHER hands LOKI a scepter with a glowing blue gem... THE OTHER (V.O) But our ally knows its workings as they never will. He is ready to lead. And our force... The CHITAURI put on their face mask and get ready. THE OTHER (V.O) ...our Chitauri, will follow. The world will be his...the universe, yours. And the humans, what can they do but burn? A 3d model of the Tesseract, we move inside it slowly 2 EXT. MOUNTAIN RANGE - EARLY NIGHT 2 A helicopter SPEEDS over this mountain at high-speed. The CAMERA pans up over the mountain and we see... 3 EXT. SHIELD/NASA FACILITY - CONTINUOUS 3 This base is grand beyond belief. There is a frantic evacuation in progress. AGENTS, SCIENTISTS, and PERSONNEL rush around the base frantically. INTERCOM VOICE All personnel, evacuation order has been confirmed. Proceed to your designated vehicles... A man flushes people by. The sign on the building reads: JOINT DARK ENERGY MISSION; WESTERN DIVISION; PROJECT PEGASUS, NASA SPACE RADIATION FACILITY, S.H.I.E.L.D ACCELERATOR TEST FACILITY INTERCOM VOICE ...for all campus evacuation. Security Guards direct traffic. SHIELD agents assist people, some stuff the trunks of their cars and leave the campus. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 2. INTERCOM VOICE (CONT’D) This is not a drill. Emergency personnel proceed to your designated vehicles for all campus evacuation. The helicopter slows above a- 4 EXT. LANDING PAD, SHIELD/NASA FACILITY - CONTINUOUS 4 There is a man in suit waiting. This is AGENT PHIL COULSON. [ON THE CHOPPER] The door slides open. Out comes a female, this is AGENT MARIA HILL. Following behind her is NICK FURY. Fury and Hill walk over to Coulson. FURY How bad is it? AGENT COULSON That’s the problem, sir. We don’t know. 5 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT - MOMENTS LATER (EARLY NIGHT) 5 An elevator rushes down. It’s going fast. AGENT COULSON (V.O) Doctor Selvig read an... 6 INT. LOWER LEVEL - CONTINUOUS 6 Coulson, Fury, and Hill make their way through the crowds of evacuating personnel. AGENT COULSON ...energy surge from the Tesseract four hours ago. FURY NASA didn’t authorize Selvig could go to test B. AGENT COULSON He wasn’t testing it. He wasn’t even in the room. Spontaneous event. MARIA HILL It just turned itself on? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 3. FURY Where are the energy levels now? AGENT COULSON Climbing. When Selvig couldn’t shut it down we ordered evac. FURY How long to get everyone out? AGENT COULSON Campus should be clear in the next half hour. FURY Do better. Fury and Hill continue on as Coulson turns around and heads the other way. 7 INT. STAIRCASE - MOMENTS LATER (EARLY NIGHT) 7 Fury and Hill make their way down to the lower levels. MARIA HILL Sir, evacuation may be futile. FURY We should tell them to go back to sleep? MARIA HILL If we can’t control the Tesseract’s energy there may not be a minimum safe distance. FURY I need you to make sure the Phase Two prototypes are shipped out. MARIA HILL Sir, is that really a priority right now? FURY Until such time as the world ends we will act as though it intends to spin on. Clear out the tech below. Every piece of Phase Two on a truck and gone. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 4. MARIA HILL Yes, Sir. (to guards) With me. Fury enters the Tesseract room. 8 INT. TESSERACT CHAMBER ROOM - CONTINUOUS (EARLY NIGHT) 8 Fury makes his way over to ERIK SELVIG. FURY Talk to me, Doctor. SELVIG Director. FURY Is there anything we know for certain? SELVIG The Tesseract is misbehaving. FURY Is that supposed to be funny? SELVIG No, it’s not funny at all. The Tesseract is not only active, she’s misbehaving. FURY How soon can you pull the plug? SELVIG She’s an energy source. We turn off the power, she turns it back on. If she reaches peak level- FURY We prepared for this, Doctor. Harnessing energy from space. SELVIG We don’t have the harness. My calculations are far from complete. She’s throwing off interference, radiation. Nothing harmful, low levels of Gamma radiation. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 5. FURY That can be harmful. Where’s agent Barton? SELVIG The hawk? Up in his nest, as usual. CLINT BARTON, also known as HAWKEYE, is on a balcony, observing the lab. FURY (over Barton’s radio) Agent Barton. Report. Barton zip-lines down a rope. FURY (V.O) (sturn) I gave you this detail so you could keep a close eye on things. Fury and Barton walk together toward the Tesseract machine. BARTON I see better from a distance. FURY Have you seen anything that might set this thing off? A NASA SCIENTIST calls for Selvig. NASA SCIENTIST Doctor! It’s spiking again. Barton and Fury step onto the platform, in front of the Tesseract machine. BARTON No one’s come and gone. And Selvig’s clean. No contacts, no IM. If there’s any tampering, sir, it wasn’t this end. While Barton is talking Selvig walks over to the computer where the NASA SCIENTIST is. He looks concerned and worried. FURY (a little confused) At this end? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 6. BARTON Yeah. The Cube is a doorway to the other end of space, right? Doors open from both sides. The Cube sparks. SELVIG What’s that? It sparks again. 9 EXT. BEHIND A TRUCK - SAME (EARLY NIGHT) 9 Coulson stands. The grounds of the campus shakes. He grabs the truck. 10 INT. SECURITY LEVEL FOUR - SAME 10 Hill turns and looks around her, hearing a creaking noise as the building shakes. 11 INT. TESSERACT CHAMBER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 11 The Cube sparks some more, bigger each time. A beam of energy which opens into a portal. There is an explosion. A could from the beam floats to the top of the chamber. On the platform is LOKI, God of Mischief and Lies, kneeling. Several GUARDS move in slowly. [TIGHT ON LOKI] He looks up, grinning menacingly. She stands. [DOLLY IN] Fury and Barton stare in shock. [ON SELVIG] He is in awe and horror. Loki looks around. Fury is ready to act. FURY (to Loki) Sir, please put down the spear! Loki looks at his scepter then fires a stream on blue light from it. Barton pushes Fury out the way. The guards open fire. Loki jumps at them, firing more energy and fighting. Shooting scientists and agents. Barton moves towards him but Loki grabs his arm. LOKI You have heart. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 7. Loki touches the tip of the spear to Barton’s chest and his eyes become ice blue. He puts his gun away. Loki moves to another agent and does the same as he’s done to Barton. Fury pulls the Cube from the machine it was in and shuts it in a briefcase, then moves to leave. LOKI (to Fury, turning around) Please don’t. I still need that. FURY This doesn’t have to get any messier. LOKI Of course it does. I’ve come too far for anything else. I am Loki, of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose. Selvig, checking the pulse of NASA SCIENTIST, hears and approaches. SELVIG Loki, brother of Thor? FURY We have no quarrel with your people. LOKI An ant has no quarrel with a boot. FURY You planning to step on us? LOKI I come with glad tidings, of a world made free. FURY Free from what? LOKI Freedom. Freedom is life’s great lie. Once you accept that, in your heart- Loki turns and places the spear tip on Selvig’s chest. -you will know peace. Barton sees the Tesseract portal cloud, brewing and moves to Loki. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 8. FURY Yeah, you say peace. I kinda think you mean the other thing. BARTON (to Loki) Sir, Director Fury is stalling. This place is about to blow and drop a hundred feet of rock on us. He means to bury us. FURY Like the pharaohs of old. SELVIG He’s right. The portal is collapsing in on itself. We’ve got maybe two minutes before this goes critical. LOKI Well then. Barton quickly draws his gun and shoots Fury, who drops the case. Barton picks up as he, Loki, Selvig and another agent leave the room. 12 INT. SECURITY LEVEL FOUR - A FEW SHORT MOMENTS LATER 12 Barton and the others walk under the closing gate. Hill comes out from the back room. BARTON We need this vehicles. MARIA HILL (seeing Loki) Who’s that? BARTON Didn’t tell me. The roof is slowly crumbling. Loki gets onto a SHIELD pickup truck. Selvig enters the passenger seat, holding the case. FURY (over Hill’s radio) Hill! 9. 13 INT. TESSERACT CHAMBER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 13 FURY (into his radio) Do you copy? 14 INT. SECURITY LEVEL FOUR - CONTINUOUS 14 FURY (over Hill’s radio) Barton...has turned. Barton pulls his gun and fires at Hill, who rolls behind the back room wall and returns fire. Barton enters the driver’s seat of the pickup and drives off with Loki is in the bed. 15 INT. TESSERACT CHAMBER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 15 Fury stands up and rushes out as the Tesseract cloud gets bigger and bigger above him. The lab is getting destroyed. FURY (into radio) Get the Tesseract. Shut them down. 16 INT. SECURITY LEVEL FOUR - CONTINUOUS 16 Hill throws her radio into the front seat of a SHIELD jeep. She jumps in after and speeds away, trying to catch up with Barton. 17 INT. DIMLY LIT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS 17 SHIELD cars are chasing Barton’s pickup. Loki fires a beam from his spear, flipping the car over on its head -- blocking the pursuing vehicles and fleeing cars. 18 INT. LOWER LEVEL - CONTINUOUS (EARLY DAWN) 18 The portal begins to collapse as Fury tries to escape. Falling debris misses him by a few inches. 19 INT. FRONT STEPS OF A BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 19 Coulson is assisting evacuation, supervising guards as the wheel crates. An explosion rocks the building. They all fall as the roof dissolves faster. The four guards try to pick up the case- AGENT COULSON (to guards) Let’s just go. No-no-no! Leave it, leave it. GO! 10. 20 INT. DIMLY LIT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS 20 Barton speeds up because he’s coming up on an intersection. Hill comes speeding out of the right tunnel, she spins the jeep around -- coming face to face with Barton, who shoots through his window. Hill returns fire -- firing through the windshield. 21 INT. MILITARY TRANSPORT TRUCK - CONTINUOUS 21 Coulson and the guards climb into the canopy of the truck. AGENT COULSON (into radio) We’re clear upstairs, sir... 22 EXT. LANDING PAD, SHIELD/NASA FACILITY - CONTINUOUS 22 Fury runs through the front door of a building and into... AGENT COULSON (V.O) (over Fury’s radio) ...We need to go. The last waiting chopper, which takes off as the ground beneath begins to crack up. 23 INT. DIMLY LIT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS 23 Barton fires at Hill one more time. She fires back, finally Barton gets the upper hand and swings in front of Hill -- cutting her off. She turns he jeep around and continues to speed behind them. 24 EXT. LANDING PAD, SHIELD/NASA FACILITY - CONTINUOUS 24 Fury’s chopper is in the air, the ground begins collapsing. 25 INT. TESSERACT CHAMBER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 25 The Tesseract portal cloud explodes. 26 EXT. SHIELD/NASA FACILITY - CONTINUOUS 26 The entire base explodes and crumbles in on itself -- sinking into the underground. Fury watches in horror from his chopper window. 11. 27 DIMLY LIT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS 27 The ceiling of the tunnel falls, trapping Hill and other agents underground. Loki looks at the exit to see if they will make it out. 28 INT. MILITARY TRANSPORT TRUCK - CONTINUOUS 28 Coulson and the others in the canopy stare at the ground behind their truck -- the ground is still collapsing, seconds behind there vehicle, they get away in time. 29 EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 29 Loki and the others escape the tunnel seconds before the exit is covered up by the fallen ceiling. As they drive along, Fury’s chopper chases them. Barton drives frantically as Fury shoots at them from the sky. Loki blasts the helicopter and Fury jumps to the ground as it crashes, he continues to fire as the truck drives off in the distance. He stands. AGENT COULSON (over Fury’s radio) Director. [BEGIN INTERCUT] FURY / TRUCK CANOPY / UNDERGROUND TUNNEL AGENT COULSON (CONT’D) (into radio) Director Fury, do you copy? FURY (into radio) The Tesseract is with a hostile force. I have men down. Hill? MARIA HILL (into radio; getting out of crushed jeep) A lot of men still under. Don’t know how many survivors. FURY (over Hill’s radio) Sound a general call. I want every living soul... FURY (into radio) ...not working rescue looking for that briefcase. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 12. MARIA HILL (into radio) Roger that. FURY (into radio) Coulson, get back to base. FURY (over Coulson’s radio) This is a level seven. FURY (over Hill’s radio) As of right now... FURY (into his radio) We are at war. AGENT COULSON (into his radio) What do we do? Fury thinks, as the CAMERA GOES TIGHT on him. [TITLE CARD] Marvel’s THE AVENGERS 30 EXT. OLD WAREHOUSE, RUSSIA - NIGHT 30 A train speeds by. CAMERA PULLS through the warehouse window and MOVES UP to the third floor where NATASHA ROMANOFF aka BLACK WIDOW, is tied to a chair. A man slaps her. She screams. GEORGI LUCHKOV (in Russian) This isn’t how I wanted this evening to go. NATASHA (in Russian) I know how you wanted this evening. Believe me this is better. GEORGI LUCHKOV (in Russian) Who are you working for? Lermentov, yes? TALL THUG walks over to Natasha and leans the chair over a pit. She becomes scared. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 13. GEORGI LUCHKOV (CONT’D) (in Russian) Does he think we have to go through him to move our cargo? NATASHA (in Russian) I thought General Solohob is in charge of the export business. GEORGI LUCHKOV (in Russian) Solohob. A bagman, a front. Your outdated information betrays you. The famous Black Widow is just another pretty face. NATASHA (in Russian) You really think I’m pretty? TALL THUG grabs her jaw and forces it open as Luchkov walks to the table behind him. GEORGI LUCHKOV (in Russian) Tell Lermentov we don’t need him to move the tanks. Tell him he is out. Well... Luchkov picks up a tool of the table and plays with it. ...You may have to write it. Suddenly a phone rings. WEASELLY THUG answers his phone. WEASELLY THUG It’s for her. Luchkov takes the phone. GEORGI LUCHKOV (in Russian; into cell) You listen carefully- AGENT COULSON (V.O) (over the cell) You’re at 1- 14 Silensky Plaza, 3rd floor. We have an F-22 exactly eight miles out. Put the woman on the phone or I will blow up the block before you can make the lobby. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 14. Luchkov hands the phone to Natasha, who balances it on her shoulder. (over the cell) We need you to come in. NATASHA (into cell) Are you kidding? I’m working. AGENT COULSON (over the cell) This takes precedence. NATASHA (into cell) I’m in the middle of an interrogation, and this moron is giving me everything. GEORGI LUCHKOV (to Tall Thug) I not- give everything. Natasha gives Luchkov a look. [BEGIN INTERCUT] COULSON / NATASHA NATASHA (into cell) Look, you can’t pull me out of this right now. AGENT COULSON (into cell) Natasha...Barton’s been compromised. NATASHA (into cell) Let me put you on hold. Luchkov moves in for the cell phone. Natasha kicks him between the legs and headbutts him. WEASELLY THUG swings his fist at her and she kicks him back. TALL THUG runs up and she spins around -- and the chair legs hit him. WEASELLY THUG jumps to his feet. Natasha rolls with the chair and drops the legs on his feet. She whips her head at him and hits him in the nose then trips him. As she fights the TALL THUG, Coulson listens to the fight over the phone. He stands quiet -- waiting as he hears the groaning, kicking, and punching. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 15. Natasha spring boards off TALL THUG’s back, somersaults, and breaks the chair on WEASELLY THUG. TALL THUG grabs her and Natasha bends his hand then hits him with the chair leg. She does a front dropkick against TALL THUG then pushes herself off the ground with both hands. She runs toward TALL THUG, who is out of breath, and flips him with her thighs. Luchkov stands and she swiftly walks over to the chain hanging from the ceiling. As he approaches she hits him with it, wraps one leg in it, and throws him into the pit. She leaves him upside down and picks up the cell and her high heels. NATASHA (CONT’D) (into cell) Where’s Barton now? AGENT COULSON (over cell) We don’t know. NATASHA But he’s alive? AGENT COULSON (into phone) We think so. Coulson is looking at a screen that’s playing a video of Hawkeye & Black Widow in Budapest. We’ll brief you on everything when you get back. Coulson is handed a folder. He walks down some stairs as he talks. But first, we need you to talk to the big guy. NATASHA (into cell) Coulson, you know that Stark trusts me about as far as he can throw me. AGENT COULSON Oh I’ve got Stark! You get the big guy. END INTERCUT Natasha stops in her tracks, shocked at what Coulson has just said. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 16. NATASHA (in Russian; quietly) My God. 31 EXT. SLUMS, CALCUTTA, INDIA - NIGHT 31 A YOUNG GIRL sprints across a busy street. She runs through a crowd of people, rushing down an busy alleyway. She runs into a house and up the stairs. CALCUTTA WOMAN approaches her. BRUCE BANNER, the alter ego of the Incredible Hulk, is treating the ill in the b.g. CALCUTTA WOMAN (in Hindi) Who are you? Get out! There is sickness here! YOUNG GIRL (very fast in Hindi) Are you the doctor? I need a doctor. My father. My father’s not waking up! He has a fever and he’s moaning but his eyes won’t open. Banner hears and moves over to the YOUNG GIRL. He kneels before her. BANNER (in Hindi) Slow down. YOUNG GIRL (in Hindi) My father- BANNER (in Hindi) Like them? Banner points to the people in the house that are sick. YOUNG GIRL nods and holds up a wad of cash. YOUNG GIRL (in Hindi; emotion) Please! 17. 32 EXT. OLD ABANDONED SHACK, CALCUTTA OUTSKIRTS - LATER 32 YOUNG GIRL is rushing to reach the shack but Banner, a little suspicious, grabs her -- slowing her down. A truck drives by very slow, Banner glances at it as it passes. Banner and the girl rush across the dirt road. The YOUNG GIRL sprints into the shack and Banner follows slowly. 33 INT. OLD ABANDONED SHACK - CONTINUOUS 33 Banner enters in time to see her escape through the window. He’s been ditched and he realizes he’s been set up. BANNER (quietly to himself) Should have got paid upfront Banner. NATASHA You know, for a man who’s supposed to be... Natasha reveals herself to Banner from behind a curtain. NATASHA (CONT’D) ...avoiding stress, you picked a hell of a place to settle. BANNER (putting his bag down) Avoiding stress isn’t the secret. NATASHA Then what is it? Yoga? BANNER And you brought me to the end of the city. Smart. (peeping through the window) I- uh- I assume the whole place is surrounded. Natasha removes her scarf. NATASHA Just you and me. BANNER And your actress buddy? She a spy too, they start that wrong? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 18. NATASHA (a little nervous) I did. BANNER Who are you? NATASHA Natasha Romanoff. BANNER Are you here to kill me, Ms Romanoff? ’Cause that’s not going to work out for everyone. NATASHA No, no. Of course not. I’m here on behalf of SHIELD. BANNER (a little mad) SHIELD. How’d they find me? NATASHA We never lost you, Doctor. We’ve kept our distance, even helped keep some other interested parties off your scent. BANNER Why? NATASHA Nick Fury seems to trust you. But now we need you to come in. BANNER What if I say no? NATASHA (seductive, sturn, smiling) I’ll persuade you. BANNER (a little sad and reluctant) And what if the- Other Guy says no? NATASHA You’ve been more than a year without an incident. I don’t think you want to break that streak. Banner pushes at an old wooden cradle, it creaks. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 19. BANNER Well, I don’t every time get what I want. NATASHA Doctor, we’re facing a potential global catastrophe. BANNER (chuckles) Oh those I actively try to avoid. NATASHA This (takes a seat) is the Tesseract. Natasha slides a cell phone along the table. On it is an image of the Tesseract. It has the potential energy to wipe out the planet. Banner puts on his glasses, approaches and picks up the touch screen cell phone. BANNER What does Fury want me to do? Swallow it? NATASHA He wants you to find it. It’s been taken. It emits a Gamma signature that’s too weak for us to trace. No one knows Gamma radiation like you do. If there was, that’s where I’d be. BANNER So Fury isn’t after the monster? NATASHA Not that he’s told me. BANNER And he tells you everything? NATASHA Talk to Fury, he needs you on this. BANNER (immediate response) He needs me in a cage? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 20. NATASHA No one’s going to put you in a- BANNER STOP LYING TO ME! Banner yells, crashing his hands down on the table. Natasha stands, pulling a gun and aims at him. He draws back, smiling. I’m sorry. That was mean. (smiles) I just wanted to see what you’d do. Natasha stares at him, a little teary, scared out of her mind. Why don’t we do this the easy way where you don’t use that and the- Other Guy doesn’t make a mess? Okay?....Natasha. Natasha lowers her weapon and speaks into an earpiece. NATASHA (quietly into her earpiece) Stand down. We’re good here. The horde of armed guards surrounding the shack lower their weapons. BANNER Just you and me? Natasha realizes he knows and stands silent. 34 INT. DARK ROOM, CARRIER - NIGHT 34 Fury is talking with the Council, four shadowy figures on screens. COUNCILMAN This is out of line, Director. You’re dealing with forces you can’t control. FURY You ever been in a war, councilman? In a fire fight? Did you feel an over abundance of control? COUNCILMAN You’re saying that this Asgard is declaring war on our planet? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 21. FURY Not Asgard, Loki. COUNCILWOMAN He can’t be working alone. What about the other one, his brother? FURY Our intelligence says Thor is not a hostile. But he’s worlds away and we can’t depend on him to help either. It’s up to us. COUNCILMAN Which is why you should be focusing on Phase Two, it was designed for exactly this purpose. FURY Phase Two isn’t ready; our enemy is. We need a response team. COUNCILMAN The Avengers Initiative was shut down. FURY This isn’t about the Avengers. COUNCILMAN We’re running the world’s greatest covert security network and you’re gonna leave the fate of the human race to a handful of freaks. FURY I’m not leaving anything to anyone. We need a response team. These people may be isolated, unbalanced even, but I believe, with the right push, they can be exactly what we need. COUNCILWOMAN You believe! COUNCILMAN War isn’t won by sentiment, Director. FURY No, It’s won by soldiers. 22. 35 INT. GYM - NIGHT 35 STEVE ROGERS, alter ego of Captain America, is hitting a punching bag in a gym. He has several flashbacks of World War Two. During his flashbacks... CAPTAIN AMERICA (V.O) There’s not enough time. I gotta put her in the water. ...he hits the bag harder, faster... PEGGY CARTER (V.O) You won’t be alone. ...he hits the bag even faster. SCIENTIST (V.O) Oh my God. This guy’s still alive. Steve throws the hardest punch he has left and it knocks the bag across the room. Breathing hard, Steve picks up another bag from a line on the floor and hangs it up. He begins to hit it. And- FURY (across the room) Trouble sleeping? STEVE (hitting the bag) Slept for seventy years, Sir. I think I’ve had my fill. Fury slowly approaches Steve. FURY Then you should be out, celebrating, seeing the world. STEVE When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up- they say we won. They didn’t say what we lost. FURY We’ve made some mistakes along the way, some very recently. STEVE (removing hand wrap) You here with a mission, Sir? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 23. FURY I am. STEVE (removing other hand wrap) Trying to get me back in the world? FURY Trying to save it. Fury hands Steve a folder with information on the Tesseract in it. STEVE HYDRA’s secret weapon. FURY Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you. He thought what we think. The Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That’s something the world sorely needs. STEVE Who took it from you? FURY He’s called Loki. He’s- not from around here. There’s a lot we’ll have to bring you up to speed on if you’re in. The world has gotten even stranger than you already know. STEVE At this point I doubt anything would surprise me. Steve gets up, grabs his duffel bag, and another punching bag while Fury is talking. FURY Ten bucks says you’re wrong. There’s a debriefing packet waiting for you back at your apartment. Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know now? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 24. STEVE You should have left it in the ocean. Steve exits. 36 EXT. OCEAN, NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT 36 IRON MAN aka Tony Stark, is underwater. He attaches a device to a massive pipe. He flies up out of the water and towards the city and begins talking with PEPPER POTTS. IRON MAN Good to go on this end. The rest is up to you. PEPPER (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) You disconnected the transmission lines? Are we off the grid? INSIDE IRON MAN HEADSET: TONY (into headset) Stark Tower’s about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy. PEPPER (on Iron Man HUD display) Well, assuming the arc reactor takes over and it actually works. 37 EXT. STREETS OF MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 37 Iron Man peels around a corner, heading straight for STARK TOWER. TONY (V.O) I assume. Light her up. Stark Tower lights up. PEPPER (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) How does it look? 25. 38 EXT. STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 38 TONY (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) Like Christmas... INSIDE IRON MAN HEADSET: TONY (into headset) ...but with more- me. PEPPER (on Iron Man HUD display) We’ve got to go wider on the public awareness campaign. You need to do some press. Iron Man flies over a overpass & up the side of Stark Tower. PEPPER (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) I’m in DC tomorrow. I’m working on the zoning for the next three buildings. TONY (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) Pepper, you’re killing me at the moment. Remember, enjoy the moment. 39 EXT. STARK TOWER LANDING PAD - CONTINUOUS 39 PEPPER (V.O) (over Iron Man headset) Then get in here and I will. Iron Man lands on the landing pad of the tower and walks along a walkway, robotic arms deconstructing his armor. JARVIS Sir, Agent Coulson of SHIELD is on the line. TONY I’m not in. I’m actually out. JARVIS Sir, I’m afraid he’s insisting. TONY Grow a spine, JARVIS. I got a date. 26. 40 INT. PENTHOUSE, STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 40 Pepper stands in front of a holographic display, a little confused. PEPPER Levels are holding steady- I think. Tony approaches Pepper. TONY Of course they are, I was directly involved. Which leads me to my next question. How does it feel to be a genius? Tony turns off the display and Pepper and he face each other. PEPPER Well, ah, I really wouldn’t know now would I? TONY What do you mean? All this came from you. PEPPER No, all this came from that. Pepper taps Tony’s arc reactor. TONY Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself- twelve percent of the credit. PEPPER Twelve percent? TONY An argument can be made for fifteen. Pepper walks toward the living room. PEPPER Twelve percent of my baby? TONY (following Pepper) Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things and sorry but, the security snafu? That was on you. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 27. PEPPER Oh! TONY My private elevator. Pepper pours champagne in two glasses. PEPPER You mean our elevator. TONY Yeah, it was teeming with sweaty workmen. I’m going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later aren’t I? PEPPER Not gonna be that subtle. TONY I’ll tell you what, next building is gonna say ’Potts’ on the tower. PEPPER On the lease! TONY Call your mum, can you bunk over? JARVIS Sir, the telephone. I’m afraid my protocols are being overridden. TONY Ah- Tony picks up his high-tech phone and holds up. AGENT COULSON (on phone screen) Mr. Stark, we need to talk. TONY You have reached the Life Model Decoy of Tony Stark. Please leave a message. AGENT COULSON (on phone screen) This is urgent. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 28. TONY Then leave it urgently. The elevator opens and Coulson comes out. Security breach. (to Pepper) That’s on you! PEPPER Phil! Come in! Pepper and Tony walk over to Coulson, who is entering TONY Phil? AGENT COULSON I can’t stay. TONY Uh, his first name is Agent. PEPPER Come on in, we’re celebrating. TONY (fake smiling) Which is why he can’t stay. AGENT COULSON (handing Tony the laptop) We need you to look this over, as soon as possible. Tony stares at the laptop. TONY I don’t like being handed things. PEPPER That’s fine because I love to be handed things. So, let’s trade. Pepper swaps with Coulson -- he has with her glass and she has the laptop. She then takes Tony’s glass and passes the laptop on to him. Thank you. TONY Official consulting hours are between eight and five every other Thursday. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 29. AGENT COULSON This isn’t a consultation. PEPPER Is this about the Avengers? Coulson looks at Pepper Which I know nothing about. TONY The Avengers Initiative was scrapped, I thought, and I didn’t even qualify. PEPPER I didn’t know that either. TONY Yeah, apparently I’m volatile, self-obsessed, don’t play well with others. PEPPER That I did know. AGENT COULSON This isn’t about personality profiles anymore. TONY Whatever! Ms. Potts, got a sec? PEPPER Half a moment. Pepper leaves Coulson at the door and goes over to Tony. TONY You know, I thought we were having a moment. PEPPER I was having twelve percent of a moment. Tony gives Pepper a look. This seems serious. Phil looks pretty shaken. TONY How would you notice- why is he Phil? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 30. PEPPER What is all this? TONY This is- ah... Tony grabs the holograms on the laptop and throws them up. Holograms fill the room, each is a article on one of the Avengers. ...this! They both look upon the screens, observing them. PEPPER I’m going to take the jet to DC tonight. TONY Tomorrow. PEPPER You have homework. You have a lot of homework. TONY Well, what if I didn’t? PEPPER If you didn’t? You mean when you finished? Well, um, then- She leans in and whispers in Tony’s ear. TONY Square deal. Fly safe. They kiss. Coulson looks away. PEPPER Work hard. (approaching Coulson) So, any chance you’re driving by LaGuardia? AGENT COULSON I can drop you off. PEPPER (O.S) Fantastic. Ooh, I want to hear about the ah- cellist, is that still a thing? As they are talking, Tony sees the Tesseract -- It peaks his interest. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (6) 31. AGENT COULSON (O.S) She moved back to Portland. Pepper and Coulson board the elevator. PEPPER What?...Boo. 41 EXT. OCEAN - DAY 41 A jet flies over the sea at high-speed. 42 INT. JET - CONTINUOUS 42 Steve is watching a video of the Hulk. FACELESS PILOT (to Coulson) We’re about forty minutes out from home base, Sir. Coulson stands from a chair and walks over to Steve. STEVE So, this Doctor Banner was trying to replicate the serum they used on me? AGENT COULSON A lot of people were. You were the world’s first superhero. Banner thought Gamma radiation might hold the key to unlocking Erskine’s original formula. STEVE Didn’t really go his way, did it? AGENT COULSON Not so much. When he’s not that thing though, guy’s like a Stephen Hawking. Rogers looks confused. He’s like a- smart person. I gotta say- it’s an honor to meet you, officially. I sort of met you, I mean, I watched you while you were sleeping. I mean, I was, I was present, while you were unconscious from-the-ice. Steve moves over to the cockpit and Coulson follows (MORE) (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 32. AGENT COULSON (CONT’D) You know it’s really- it’s just a- just a huge honor to have you on board- it’s... STEVE Well, I hope I’m the man for the job. AGENT COULSON Oh you are, absolutely. Ah- we made some modifications to the uniform. I had a little design input. STEVE The uniform? Aren’t the stars and stripes a little...old-fashioned? AGENT COULSON Everything that’s happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old-fashioned. 43 INT. LOKI’S LIAR, UNDERGROUND LAB - DAY 43 Two soldiers run down a tunnel...we hear them coming. They run into the lab where dozens of men are working, including Selvig. Loki sits and watches, spear in hand. It glows and he is transported to another world. 44 EXT. SPACE (CONTINUOUS) 44 THE OTHER The Chitauri grow restless. LOKI Let them goad themselves. I will lead them in a glorious battle. THE OTHER Battle? Against the meager might of Earth. LOKI Glorious not lengthy- if your force is as formidable as you claim. THE OTHER You question us? You question him? He who out the scepter in your hand, who gave you ancient knowledge and new purpose? When you were cast out- defeated! (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 33. LOKI I was a king! The rightful king of Asgard, betrayed. THE OTHER Your ambition is little, full of childish need. We look beyond the Earth to greater worlds the Tesseract will unveil. LOKI You don’t have the Tesseract yet. The Chitauri creature lunges at Loki, hissing. I don’t threaten. But until I open the doors, until your force is mine to command, you are but words. THE OTHER You will have your war, Asgardian. If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice, where he cannot find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain. 45 INT. LOKI’S LIAR, UNDERGROUND LAB - CONTINUOUS 45 Loki comes back and he flinches. He stares, mad. 46 EXT. OCEAN - DAY 46 A jet flies to a giant carrier in the water, it’s the SHIELD HELICARRIER in all its glory. Personnel are walking all over, some are strapping down jets and containers. 47 EXT. HELICARRIER - DAY 47 A jet lands. Coulson and Steve step out of it. Natasha walks toward them. AGENT COULSON Agent Romanoff- Captain Rogers. STEVE Ma’am. NATASHA Hi. (to Coulson) They need you on the bridge; they’re starting the face trace. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 34. AGENT COULSON See you there. Coulson, leaves as Natasha and Steve get to know each other while walking. NATASHA It was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. Thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet? STEVE Trading cards? NATASHA They’re vintage. He’s very proud. They see Banner who is bumping into people while he observes the carrier. STEVE Doctor Banner. BANNER Oh, yeah, hi. They told me you’d be coming. STEVE Word is you can find the Cube. BANNER Is that the only word on me? STEVE Only word I care about. BANNER Must be strange for you, all of this. STEVE Well, this is actually kind of familiar. NATASHA Gentlemen, you might wanna step inside in a minute. It’s gonna get a little had to breathe. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 35. HELICARRIER INTERCOM Flight Mode. Secure the deck. There is a loud whirring and clunking sound and Banner and Rodgers make their way to the edge of the helicarrier. STEVE Is this a submarine? BANNER Really, they want me in a submerged pressurized metal container? Propellers begin to spin and the carrier begins to lift into the air. Oh no, this is much worse. The helicarrier begins ascending higher and higher. 48 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - MINUTES LATER 48 Rogers and Banner follow Natasha into the bridge. Natasha peels away from them as they stare and observe in awe. It’s very busy, with SHIELD personnel working at stations, and communicating over earpieces. CARRIER BRIDGE TECH 1 Maximum performance take off, increase output to capacity. FEMALE CARRIER BRIDGE TECH Power plant performing at capacity. We are clear. MARIA HILL All engines operating. SHIELD emergency protocol one nine three point six in effect. (to Fury) We’re at level, sir. FURY Good! Let’s vanish. MARIA HILL Engage retro reflection panels. 49 EXT. HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 49 The underside of the ship appears to become coated with mirrors so it blends in with the sky. 36. 50 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 50 MALE AGENT (O.S) Reflection panels engaged. FURY (to Steve and Banner) Gentlemen. Steve slips Fury the ten dollars he bet earlier, in regards to nothing being able to surprise him. (to Banner) Doctor, thank you for coming. Banner shakes Fury’s hand. BANNER Thanks for asking nicely. So, um, how long am I staying? FURY Once we get our hands on the Tesseract, you’re in the wind. BANNER Well where are you with that? AGENT COULSON We’re sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet. Cell phones... Steve stands in the b.g. confused of what’s being said. While Coulson is talking, Natasha moves over to a computer screen where we see Barton’s face trace in progress. She checks the stats. ...laptops, if it’s connected to a satellite, it’s eyes and ears for us. NATASHA It’s still not gonna find them in time. BANNER You have to narrow your field. How many Spectrometers do you have access to? FURY How many are there? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 37. BANNER Call every lab you know. Tell them to put the Spectrometers on the roof and calibrate them for Gamma rays. I’ll rough out a tracking algorithm, basic cluster recognition. At least we could rule out a few places. Do you have somewhere for me to work? FURY Agent Romanoff, would you show Doctor Banner to his laboratory, please? Natasha walks over to Banner and they begin walking out of the bridge area. NATASHA You’re gonna love it, Doc. We got all the toys. BANNER Really? Do you have the com-meter sixty-four? NATASHA I’m not sure- BANNER (cutting her off) Oh you’re very young. Fury walks up to Hill. FURY Hill, did you tell the council that Barton had been compromised? MARIA HILL Was that not procedure? Fury walks off the bridge and onto the air deck, where he looks out. MARIA HILL (CONT’D) Did you tell them who exactly is on your response team? Fury looks over his shoulder. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 38. FURY Doesn’t appear that I have to. 51 INT. LOKI’S LIAR, UNDERGROUND LAB - DAY 51 Selvig is working on a machine in Loki’s hidden base. SELVIG Put it over there. (to Barton) Where did you find all these people? BARTON SHIELD has no shortage of enemies, Doctor. This the stuff you need? SELVIG Yeah. Iridium. It’s found in meteorites, it forms anti-protons. It’s very hard to get hold of. BARTON Especially if SHIELD knows you need it. SELVIG Well, I didn’t know. Loki walks up. (to Loki) Hey! This is wonderful. The Tesseract has shown me so much. It’s- it’s more than knowledge, it’s truth. LOKI I know. It, ah- it touches everyone differently. (to Barton) What did it show you Agent Barton? BARTON My next target. SELVIG (laughing) Stick in the mud. He’s got no soul. No wonder you chose this, this tomb to work in. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 39. BARTON (snapping) Well, the Radisson doesn’t have three levels of lead lined flooring between SHIELD and that Cube. Selvig walks back to the machine he was working on. LOKI I see why Fury chose you to guard it. BARTON You’re going to have to contend with him sir. As long as he’s in the air, I can’t pin him down. And he’ll be putting together a team. LOKI Are they a threat? BARTON To each other more than likely. But if Fury can get ’em on track, and he might, they could throw some noise our way. LOKI You admire Fury. BARTON He’s got a clear line of sight. LOKI Is that why you failed to kill him? BARTON It might be. I was disoriented, and I’m not at my best with a gun. LOKI I want to know everything you can tell me about this team of his. I would- test their mettle. Barton nods. I am weary of scuttling in shadow. I mean to rule this world, not burrow in it. BARTON That’s a risk (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 40. LOKI Oh yes. BARTON If you’re set on making yourself known. I could be useful. LOKI Tell me what you need. Barton walks over to a small case, opens it, then takes out his bow. He flicks it open. BARTON I need a distraction. And an eyeball. 52 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - DAY 52 Coulson and Steve are standing in the bridge, just waiting. AGENT JASPER SITWELL is in the b.g. running the face trace. AGENT COULSON I mean, if it’s not too much trouble. STEVE No-no, it’s fine. AGENT COULSON It’s a vintage set. Took me a couple of years to collect them all. Near mint, slight foxing around the edges but- AGENT JASPER SITWELL We got a hit. Sixty seven percent match. Wait- cross-match, seventy nine percent. AGENT COULSON Location? AGENT JASPER SITWELL Stuttgart, Germany. Twenty eight, Königstraße. He’s not exactly hiding. FURY Captain, you’re up. Steve nods and walks off. 41. 53 EXT. FANCY BUILDING, STUTTGART - NIGHT 53 A busy street. Cars pull up and drop off fancy guests. 54 INT. FANCY BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 54 String quartet No. 13 is playing in a large ballroom filled with people talking, mingling. 55 INT. ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 55 Steve walks through a door and in a case is the new and improved CAPTAIN AMERICA suit. He walks over to it and stares. 56 EXT. GUARDED BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 56 Two guards outside are shot down with arrows while securing the building. 57 EXT. QUINJET, SKIES - CONTINUOUS 57 The quinjet is speeding across the cloudy skies, making its way to Germany. 58 EXT. DOOR, GUARDED BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 58 Barton and some men rush over to a door with a scanner on the side. They prepare to break in. 59 INT. FANCY BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 59 Loki walks down some stairs from a balcony. GALA SCIENTIST is at a podium talking. Loki hits a man with his scepter, knocking him to the floor. The guests stop and stare in awe. Loki swiftly grabs the GALA SCIENTIST -- flips him onto a statue and then uses a device to bore into his eye. The guests scatter in horror, screaming, running away as Loki smiles menacingly. 60 EXT. DOOR, GUARDED BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 60 The image of the eye is transported to a similar device Barton is holding over a retina scanner. The door opens. 61 INT. ROOM, GUARDED BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 61 Barton runs in and steals takes a glass tube containing the Iridium. 42. 62 EXT. FANCY BUILDING, STUTTGART - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 62 People flee the gala, screaming, and Loki follows, taking on his Asgardian attire. He blasts a Polizei (police) car speeding toward him, flipping it over. He creates duplicates of himself, surrounding a mob of gala people. LOKI Kneel before me. I said- KNEEL! The people hurry, dropping to their knees. (walking through the mob) Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state? It’s the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation. The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life’s joy in a mad scramble for power, for identity. You were made- to be ruled. In the end- you will always kneel. A German old man gets to his feet. GERMAN OLD MAN Not to men like you. LOKI There are no men like me. GERMAN OLD MAN There are always men like you. LOKI Look to your elder, people. Let him be an example. Loki fires his scepter but Captain America jumps in front of the man -- deflecting the beam off his shield causing it to hit Loki, who falls to the ground. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, the last time I was in Germany and saw a man standing above everybody else, we ended up disagreeing. LOKI The soldier- Loki rises to his feet. -the man out of time. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 43. CAPTAIN AMERICA I’m not the one who’s out of time. The quinjet comes in behind Cap with Black Widow inside. A gun unfolds from the underside of the plane. NATASHA (over speaker) Loki, drop the weapon and stand down. Loki fires at the jet and it banks hard to avoid it. Cap attacks Loki and the two fight. Loki knocks Cap’s shield to the side and forces him down with his scepter. LOKI Kneel! CAPTAIN AMERICA Not today. Cap jumps up and does a spin-kick to Loki’s face. The two continue to fight. 63 INT. COCKPIT, QUINJET - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 63 Natasha, in her Black Widow suit, is trying to figure out how to take a shot. NATASHA (to co-pilot) Guy’s all over the place. TONY (over earpiece) Agent Romanoff, you miss me? The computer screen shows the message ’PA SYSTEMS OVERRIDE’, and AC/DC’s, ’Shoot to Thrill’ begins to play. Natasha smiles heavily. Iron Man flies down and fires a repulsor blast, knocking Loki down. IRON MAN Make a move reindeer games. Loki’s Asgardian garb fades away and he raises his hands. Good move. Cap walks over to Iron Man. The quinjet begins to land in the b.g. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 44. CAPTAIN AMERICA Mister Stark. IRON MAN Captain. 64 EXT. DARKENED CLOUDY SKIES - NIGHT 64 DOLLY IN on some mountains in the distance...the quinjet speeds by. 65 INT. COCKPIT, QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 65 Natasha is piloting the plane. Loki is strapped down in the back of the plane. Cap, in suit but no cowl, and Tony, in the suit but without the helmet, is standing behind the cockpit and they talking. FURY (over quinjet radio) He saying anything? NATASHA (into headset) Not a word. FURY (over quinjet radio) Just get him here, we’re low on time. 66 INT. QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 66 STEVE I don’t like it. TONY What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily? STEVE I don’t remember it being that easy. This guy packs a wallop. TONY Still, you were pretty spry, for an older fellow. What’s your thing? Pilates? STEVE What? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 45. TONY It’s like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple of things. Y’know, doing time as a Cap-sicle. STEVE Fury didn’t tell me he was calling you in. TONY Yeah, there’s a lot of things Fury doesn’t tell you. There’s a flash of lightening and a roar of thunder. NATASHA Where’s this come from? Loki leans forward, looking around. STEVE (to Loki) What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightening? LOKI I’m not overly fond of what follows. Loki looks to the sky. 67 EXT. DARKENED STORMY SKIES - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 67 There’s a crash on top of the quinjet. Something as landed. 68 INT. QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 68 Tony, Steve, and Natasha look up. SHOCKED and JOLTED. 69 EXT. DARKENED STORMY SKIES - CONTINUOUS 69 There seems to be a shadowy figure holding onto the quinjet. We make it out -- this is THOR ODINSON, God of Thunder. He is serious. There’s another flash of light. 70 INT. QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 70 Natasha speeds up. Steve runs for something, he grabs his cowl while Tony grabs his helmet which attaches itself to the suit. Tony pushes a button and opens the ramp of the jet. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 46. CAPTAIN AMERICA What are you doing? Thor enters, jumping down on the ramp. He hits Iron Man away, causing him to fall on Cap. He grabs Loki by the neck and jumps out of the plane. IRON MAN Now there’s that guy. NATASHA Another Asgardian? CAPTAIN AMERICA That guy’s a friendly. NATASHA Doesn’t matter. If he frees Loki, or kills him, the Tesseract’s lost. Iron Man begins walking to the edge of the ramp. CAPTAIN AMERICA Stark, we need a plan of attack. IRON MAN I have a plan. Attack! Iron Man flies out of the jet and Cap makes for a parachute. NATASHA I’d sit this one out, Cap. CAPTAIN AMERICA I don’t see how I can. NATASHA These guys come from legend, they’re basically Gods. CAPTAIN AMERICA There’s only one God ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that. Cap straps on the chute, grabs his shield, and dives out the plane, head first. 47. 71 EXT. CLIFF TOP - NIGHT 71 Thor and Loki crash down on a cliff. Thor throws Loki to the ground, he groans. THOR Where is the Tesseract? LOKI Oh-ho, I missed you too. THOR Do I look to be in a gaming mood? LOKI Oh, you should thank me. With the Bifrost gone, how many dark energy did the All-Father have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth. Thor drops his hammer, Mjolnir, and pulls Loki to his feet. THOR I thought you dead. LOKI Did you mourn? THOR We all did. Our father- LOKI Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not? THOR We were raised together, we played together, we fought together. Do you remember none of that? LOKI I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss. I who was and should be king! THOR So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? No. The Earth is under my protection, Loki. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 48. LOKI Well yes. THOR Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother. Throne would suit you ill. Loki pushes past Thor and walks away, Thor follows. LOKI I’ve seen worlds you’ve never known about. I have grown, Odinson, in my exile. I have seen the true power of the Tesseract, and when I wield it- THOR Who showed you this power? Who controls the would-be-king? LOKI I am a king! THOR Not here. You give up the Tesseract; you give up this poisonous dream! You come home. LOKI I don’t have it. Thor summons Mjolnir and holds it ready. You need the Cube to bring me home but I’ve sent it off I know not where. THOR You listen well brother- Iron Man flies in, knocking him and Thor out of frame. Loki stands waiting. LOKI I’m listening? 72 EXT. FOREST - SECONDS LATER 72 Thor and Iron Man crash through the trees to the ground, Tony lifts his faceplate. THOR Do not touch me again. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 49. TONY Then don’t take my stuff. THOR You have no idea what you’re dealing with. TONY Uh- Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you wear-th her drapes? THOR This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice. TONY He gives up the Cube, he’s all yours. Until then- Faceplate drops. IRON MAN -stay out of the way. Iron Man takes a few steps. Tourist. Thor throws Mjolnir, hitting Iron Man square in the chest, sending him flying, landing on his back. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Okay! BACK TO SCENE: Loki smirks from the cliff top as Thor summons Mjolnir then swings it in circles. Iron Man gets to his feet and fires a repulse blast at Thor, then flies at him, kicking him through a tree. Thor stands, summoning a bolt of lightning as Loki watches in the distance. Thor sends the bolt at Iron Man. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: JARVIS Power at four hundred percent capacity. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 50. TONY How bout that? BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man fires at Thor. The two stand ready then fly at each other, smashing through the trees and scraping up a cliff side. Trees are toppled as they crash to the forest grounds. Thor and Iron Man stand quickly. Thor sends in a left hook so Iron Man is about to punch but Thor grabs his fist. Iron Man is about to send in his left hook and Thor grabs that too. Thor begins to crush Iron Man’s right gauntlet with ease. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: Tony looks at the HUD which is alerting him. He groans and thinks. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man lifts his palm, that is being crushed, and he fires a blast at Thor’s face -- it does nothing to Thor so he head butts him. Thor headbutts him back. Iron Man flies back, coming to a stop before launching himself at Thor. Iron Man throws Thor into a broken tree. Thor then stands and the two go at it for a bit longer -- a fist fight. Thor summons his hammer about to slam down on the chest of Tony but Iron Man ditches, causing Thor to fall. Behind the rising Thor, Iron Man swoops in and punches him. They get ready to sends blows at each other until Cap’s shield ricochets off both their chest. CAPTAIN AMERICA (O.S) Hey! Cap catches his shield. CAPTAIN AMERICA That’s enough! He jumps down of the tree and approaches Thor and Iron Man. Now I don’t know what you plan on doing here- THOR I’ve come here to put an end to Loki’s schemes! (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 51. CAPTAIN AMERICA Then prove it. Put that hammer down. IRON MAN Uh, yeah! No! Bad call, he loves his hammer- Thor swings his hammer back, sending Iron Man behind him. THOR You want me to put hammer down? Thor leaps, swinging Mjolnir, Cap raises the shield over his head. When the two connect there is a loud boom and a flash of light. The three are thrown backwards. They slowly get to their feet and come together. CAPTAIN AMERICA Are we done here? Thor looks around. 73 EXT. HELICARRIER, SKIES - NIGHT 73 The helicarrier flies through the clouds. 74 INT. HALL, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 74 Loki is escorted down the halls by a troop of armed guards. He walks past a window -- the wishbone lab, where Banner is working. Loki smiles through the window at him. Banner removes his glasses and rubs his temples. 75 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 75 Loki is locked in a cylindrical glass cage. Fury walks in and over to a control panel. FURY In case it’s unclear, you try to escape- you so much as scratch that glass- Fury pushes a button and the floor beneath the cell drops away to nothing, the wind screams. Thirty thousand feet straight down in a steel trap. You get how that works? He pushes a button and closes the floor. He gestures first to Loki. Ant. (gestures to panel) Boot. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 52. LOKI It’s an impressive cage. Not built, I think, for me. FURY Built for something a lot stronger than you. LOKI Oh I’ve heard. (turns to a camera)... 76 INT. CONFERENCE TABLE, BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 76 On the glass table a monitor is up -- Loki on it, watching it is Natasha. As Loki talks she looks up at Banner. Banner looks at her, smirking about her cage comment earlier. ...A mindless beast- makes play he’s still a man... We see Thor listen intently. ...How desperate are you, that you call on such lost creatures to defend you? FURY (V.O) How desperate am I?... 77 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 77 Fury moves toward the cage slowly. ...You threaten my world with war, you steal a force you can’t hope to control, you talk about peace and you kill ’cause it’s fun. You have made me very desperate. You might not be glad that you did. LOKI Ooh. It burns you to have come so close, to have the Tesseract, to have power- unlimited power, and for what? (smiles and faces the camera) A... 78 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 78 Hill is watching Loki on a screen too. ...warm light for all mankind to share? 53. 79 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (NIGHT) 79 Loki faces Fury again. And then to be reminded what real power is. Fury smiles. FURY Well, let me know if ’real power’ wants a magazine or something. Fury exits. 80 INT. CONFERENCE TABLE, BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 80 The monitor on Cap’s side of the table turns off. Steve, in suit with no cowl, looks up. BANNER He really grows on you doesn’t he? STEVE Loki’s gonna drag this out. So, Thor, what’s his play? THOR He has an army called the Chitauri. They’re not of Asgard nor any world known. He means to lead the against your people. They will win him the Earth, in return, I suspect, for the Tesseract. STEVE An army, from outer space? BANNER So, he’s building another portal. That’s what he needs Erik Selvig for. THOR Selvig? BANNER He’s an astrophysicist. THOR He’s a friend. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 54. NATASHA Loki has them under some kind of spell- along with one of ours. STEVE I wanna know why Loki let us take him. He’s not leading an army from here. BANNER I don’t think we should be focusing on Loki. That guy’s brain is a bag full of cats, you can small crazy on him. THOR Have care how you speak. Loki is beyond reason but he is of Asgard, and he is my brother. NATASHA He killed eighty people in two days. THOR He’s adopted? BANNER I think it’s about the mechanics. Iridium, what do they need the Iridium for? Tony and Coulson come walking in. TONY It’s a stabilizing agent. (to Coulson, quietly) I’m saying, take a weekend; I’ll fly you to Portland. Keep love alive. Coulson peels off from Tony, who is heading over to Thor. Means the portal won’t collapse on itself like it did at SHIELD. (to Thor) No hard feelings point break, you got a mean swing. Thor gives Tony a look as he walks to the control panels. TONY Also, means the portal can open as wide and stay open as long as Loki wants. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 55. (to SHIELD personnel) Ah, raise the mizzen mast, ship the topsails. The personnel look at him strangely. That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn’t notice, but we did. Standing now at the command area of the ship, Tony covers one eye. (to Hill) How does Fury even see these? MARIA HILL (attitude) He turns! TONY Sounds exhausting! He begins messing with the screens, sticking something to the underside of a desk. The rest of the raw materials, Agent Barton can get his hands on pretty easily. Only major component he still needs is a power source- of high energy density. Something to- kick start the Cube. MARIA HILL When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics? TONY Last night. The packet, Selvig’s notes, the extraction theory papers- am I the only one who did the reading? STEVE Does Loki need any particular kind of power source? BANNER He’s have to heat the Cube to a hundred and twenty million kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier. TONY Unless, Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the Quantum Tunneling effect. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 56. BANNER Well, if he could do that he could achieve heavy-ion fusion at any reactor on the planet. TONY Finally. Someone who speaks English. STEVE (to the others) Is that what just happened? Stark and Banner shake hands. TONY It’s good to meet you, Doctor Banner. Your work on anti-electronic collisions is unparalleled. And I’m a huge fan of the way you- lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster. BANNER ...Thanks. Fury enters. FURY Doctor Banner is only here to track the Cube. I was hoping you might join him. STEVE I’d start with that stick of his. It may be magical but it works an awful lot like a HYDRA weapon. FURY I don’t know about that, but it is powered by the Cube. And I like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys. THOR Monkeys? I do not understand- STEVE I do! The entire room goes instantly silent, staring at Steve. (MORE) (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 57. STEVE (CONT’D) I...I understood that reference. TONY Shall we play, Doctor? BANNER This way, sir. The two men walk off. [ON A SHIELD WORKER] He resumes play Galaga again. 81 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - NIGHT 81 Banner and Stark are working on tracking the Cube. Banner is scanning the scepter with a device. BANNER The Gamma readings are definitely consistent with Selvig’s reports on the Tesseract. But it’s gonna take weeks to process. Stark works on a screen. TONY If we bypass their mainframe and direct route to the Homer cluster we can clock this at around six hundred teraflops. BANNER All I packed was a toothbrush. TONY (giggles a bit) You know, you should come by Stark Tower some time. Top ten floors- all R and D. You’d love it, it’s a candy land. BANNER Thanks but...last time I was in New York I kind of broke...Harlem. TONY Well, I promise a stress free environment. No tension, no surprises. He zaps Banner in the side. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 58. BANNER Ow! STEVE Hey! TONY Nothing? Steve approaches. STEVE Are you nuts? TONY Jury’s out! (to Banner) You really have got a lid on it, haven’t you? What’s your secret? Mellow jazz, bongo drums, huge bag of weed? STEVE Is everything a joke to you? TONY Funny things are. STEVE Threatening the safety of everyone on this ship isn’t funny. No offense, Doc. BANNER No it’s alright. I wouldn’t have come aboard if I couldn’t handle pointy things. TONY You’re tip-toeing, big man. You need to strut. STEVE And you need to focus on the problem, Mister Stark. TONY You think I’m not? Why did Fury call us in? Why now, why not before? What isn’t he telling us? I can’t do the equation unless I have all the variables. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 59. STEVE You think Fury’s hiding something? TONY He’s a spy. Captain, he’s the spy. His secrets have secrets. He gestures to Banner. It’s bugging him to, isn’t it? BANNER Uh, Aah, I just wanna finish my work here and- STEVE Doctor? BANNER A warm light for all mankind," Loki’s jab at Fury about the Cube. STEVE I heard it. BANNER Well, I think that was meant for you. He gestures to Stark, who offers him a blueberry. Even if Barton didn’t tell Loki about the tower, it was still all over the news. STEVE The Stark Tower? That big ugly- Stark gives him a look. -building in New York? BANNER It’s powered by an arc reactor, self-sustaining energy source. That building will run itself for, what, a year? TONY It’s just the prototype. (to Rodgers) I’m kind of the only name in clean energy right now, that’s what he’s getting at. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 60. BANNER So, why didn’t SHIELD bring him in on the Tesseract project? What are they even doing in the energy business in the first place? TONY I should probably look into that as soon as my decryption program finishes breaking into all of SHIELD’s secure files. STEVE I’m sorry did you say- TONY JARVIS has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours I’ll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide. Blueberry? STEVE Yet you’re confused about why they didn’t want you around. TONY An intelligence organization that fears intelligence? Historically, not awesome. STEVE I think Loki’s trying to wind us up. This is a man who means to start a war and if we don’t stay focused he’ll succeed. We have orders, we should follow them. TONY Following’s not really my style. STEVE And you’re all about style, aren’t you? TONY Out of the people in this room, which one is "A" wearing a spangly outfit and "B" not of use? BANNER Steve, tell me none of this smells a little funky to you? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 61. STEVE Just find the Cube. Cap exits the lab, pauses and turns, walking off in another direction. TONY That’s the guy my dad never shut up about? Wondering if they shouldn’t have kept him on ice. BANNER Guy’s not wrong about Loki, he does have the jump on us. TONY What he’s got is an ACME dynamite kit. It’s gonna blow up in his face, and I’m gonna be there when it does. BANNER I’ll read all about it. TONY Mhm, or, you’ll be suiting up with the rest of us. BANNER Now, you see I don’t get a suit of armor. I’m exposed, like a nerve, it’s a nightmare. TONY You know, I’ve got a cluster shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart. This stops it- He taps the arc reactor. -this little circle of light. It’s part of me now, not just armor. It’s a terrible privilege. BANNER But you can control it. TONY Because I learned how. BANNER It’s different. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (6) 62. Tony wipes clean the screen between them that Banner was working on. TONY Hey, I read all about your accident. That much Gamma exposure- should’ve killed you. BANNER So you’re saying that the Hulk- the Other Guy- saved my life? That’s nice. That’s nice sentiment. Saved it for- what? TONY I guess we’ll find out. BANNER You may not enjoy that. TONY And you just might. 82 INT. STORAGE ROOM, CARRIER - EARLY DAWN 82 Cap forces open the entrance to a storage room. He walks in, looking around then silently jumps up to a catwalk above. 83 EXT. TUNNEL - CONTINUOUS 83 A truck drive along. It drives into a tunnel 84 INT. TRAILER, TRUCK - CONTINUOUS 84 Selvig places the Iridium into a device by the Tesseract. He smiles. AGENT COULSON (V.O) As soon as Loki took the doctor we... 85 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 85 Coulson is showing Thor an image of Jane Foster on a computer screen. AGENT COULSON ...moved Jane Foster. We’ve got an excellent observatory in Tromsø. She was asked to consult there very suddenly yesterday. Handsome fee, private plane, very remote. She’ll be safe. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 63. THOR Thank you. It’s no accident Loki taking Erik Selvig. I dread what he plans for him once he’s done. Erik is a good man. Coulson and Thor begins walking, through the bridge. AGENT COULSON He talks about you a lot. You changed his life. You changed everything around here. THOR They were better as they were. We pretend on Asgard that we’re more advanced, but we- we come here battling like Bildschneip. AGENT COULSON Like what? THOR Bildschneip. You know, huge, scaly, big antlers. You don’t have those? AGENT COULSON No. THOR Huh! Well they are repulsive, and they trample everything in their path. Thor moves over to a large window. When I first came to earth, Loki’s rage followed me here and your people paid the price. And now again. In my youth I courted war. FURY War hasn’t started yet. You think you can make Loki tell us where the Tesseract is? THOR I do not know. Loki’s mind is far afield, it’s not just power he craves, it’s vengeance upon me. There’s no pain would prise his need from him. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 64. FURY A lot of guys think that, until the pain starts. THOR What are you asking me to do? FURY I’m asking, what are you prepared to do? THOR Loki is a prisoner. FURY Then why do I feel like he’s the only person on this boat that wants to be here? 86 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - DAWN 86 Loki is pacing in the cell. Natasha walks up behind him. LOKI Hm. There’s not many people that can sneak up on me. NATASHA But you figured I’d come. LOKI After. After whatever tortures Fury can concoct, you would appear as a friend, as a balm. And I would cooperate. NATASHA I wanna know what you’ve done to Agent Barton. LOKI I’d say I’ve expanded his mind. NATASHA And once you’ve won. Once you’re king of the mountain. What happens to his mind? LOKI Is this love, Agent Romanoff? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 65. NATASHA Love is for children. I owe him a debt. LOKI Tell me. NATASHA Before I worked for SHIELD, I uh- well, I made a name for myself. I have a very specific skill set. I didn’t care who I used it for, or on. I got on SHIELD’s radar in a bad way. Agent Barton was sent to kill me, he made a different call. LOKI And what will you do if I vow to spare him? NATASHA Not let you out. LOKI Ah, no. But I like this. Your world in the balance, and you bargain for one man? NATASHA Regime’s fall everyday. I tend not to weep over that, I’m Russian, or I was. LOKI And what are you now? NATASHA It’s really not that complicated. I got red in my ledger. I’d like to wipe it out. LOKI Can you? Can you wipe out that much red? Drakov’s daughter? Sao Paulo? The hospital fire? Barton told me everything. Your ledger is dripping, it’s gushing red, and you think saving a man no more virtuous than yourself will change anything? This is the basest sentimentality. This is a child, a prayer. Pathetic 66. 87 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (DAWN) 87 Banner and Tony stare at a screen that reads "ACCESS DENIED" Tony tries to hack in again. LOKI (V.O) ...You lie and kill in the service of liars... 88 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 88 Hill runs over to a SHIELD Agent’s computer. A message flashes up on the screen "VIRUS DETECTED" as a result of Stark hacking their files. Fury walks over and Hill, who looks up at him. LOKI (V.O) ...and killers. You pretend to be separate, to have your own code... 89 INT. STORAGE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 89 Cap opens a container and in it is HYDRA weapons and equipment. LOKI (V.O) ...something that makes up for the horrors. But they are a part of you, and they will never go away. 90 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 90 Loki slams his fist against the glass. Natasha jumps back. LOKI I won’t touch Barton! Not until I make him kill you. Slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear. Natasha becomes scared out of her mind. And then he’ll wake just long enough to see his good work, Natasha turns away from Loki in horror. and when he screams I’ll split his skull! This is my bargain, you mewling quim! Sounds of Natasha sobbing. Her head hangs low. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 67. NATASHA You’re a monster! LOKI (grinning menacingly) Oh, no. You brought the monster. Natasha lifts her head and turns to face Loki -- her face is dry. NATASHA So, Banner? That’s your play. LOKI What? Natasha begins to exit the room. NATASHA (into earpiece) Loki means to unleash the Hulk. Keep Banner in the lab, I’m on my way. Send Thor as well. She stops and faces Loki. Thank you, for your cooperation! Natasha skimmers off. 91 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - MORNING 91 Fury enters. FURY What are you doing, Mr. Stark? TONY Uh- kind of been wondering the same thing about you. FURY You’re supposed to be locating the Tesseract. BANNER We are, the model’s locked and we’re sweeping for the signature now. When we get a hit, we’ll have the location within half a mile. TONY And you’ll get your cube back, no muss, no fuss. What is Phase Two? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 68. Steve enters, and slams a large HYDRA gun on the table. STEVE Phase Two is SHIELD used the Cube to make weapons. (to Tony) Sorry, computer was moving a little slow for me. FURY Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we’re- TONY I’m sorry, Nick. Tony turns the screen towards Fury. It shows a plan for some a missile. What were you lying? STEVE I was wrong, Director. The world hasn’t changed a bit. Thor and Natasha enter. Banner looks to her. BANNER Did you know about this? NATASHA You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, doctor? BANNER (laughs) I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed. NATASHA Loki’s manipulating you. BANNER And you’ve been doing what exactly? NATASHA You didn’t come here because I bat my eyelashes at you. BANNER Yes, and I’m not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy. (MORE) (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 69. BANNER (CONT’D) I’d like to know why SHIELD is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction. FURY (pointing at Thor) Because of him. THOR Me? FURY Last year earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly- hilariously, out-gunned. THOR My people want nothing but peace with your planet. FURY But you’re not the only people out there, are you? And, you’re not the only threat. The world’s filling up with people who can’t be matched, they can’t be controlled. STEVE Like you controlled the cube! THOR Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it, and his allies. It is the signal to all the realms that the earth is ready for A HIGHER FORM OF WAR. STEVE A higher form?! FURY You forced our hand! We had to come up with some- TONY Nuclear deterrent! ’Cause that always calms everything right down. Everyone becomes hostile and begin cutting each other off. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 70. FURY Remind me again how you made your fortune, Stark? STEVE I’m sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep- TONY Wait-Wait! Hold on! How is this now about me? STEVE I’m sorry, isn’t everything? THOR I thought humans were more evolved than this. Everyone begins arguing over each other. FURY Excuse me, did we come to your planet and blow stuff up? THOR (to Thor) Tis your champion. FURY YOU’RE NOT MY CHAMPION! NATASHA Are you boys really that naive? S.H.I.E.L.D monitors potential threats. TONY (to Thor and Steve) You furious? I’m furious. BANNER (to Natasha) And Captain America is on the threat poll? NATASHA (to Banner) We all are! FURY That’s not your concern doctor! As they argue over one another & the scepter glows strongly. TONY (to Steve) You’re on that list? Are you above or below angry bees? STEVE I swear to God, Stark, one more crack... (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 71. TONY You’re a threat. VERBAL THREAT! I FEEL THREATENED! STEVE SHOW SOME RESPECT. TONY RESPECT WHAT! BANNER (to Thor) YEAH MAN HANDLE ME NOW, THAT’LL BE GOOD! 92 INT. BARTON’S JET - CONTINUOUS 92 On a screen in the jet is Loki’s scepter. Inside men working for Loki put on masks and load weapons. Barton readies his bow. INTERCOM VOICE Transport six-six-five-oh. Please relay your form code. Got you on the computer but not on the data log. What is your haul? Over. PILOT Arms to ammunition. Over. 93 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 93 THOR You speak of control, yet you court chaos! BANNER It’s his MO, isn’t it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We’re a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We’re- we’re a time bomb. FURY You need to step away. TONY Why shouldn’t they guy let off a little steam? STEVE You know damn well why! Back off! TONY Oh, I’m starting to want you to make me. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 72. STEVE Yeah, big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you? TONY Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. STEVE I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. I’ve seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You’re not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you. TONY I think I would just cut the wire. STEVE Always a way out. You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero. TONY A hero, like you? You’re a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle. 94 INT. BARTON’S JET - CONTINUOUS 94 The ramp opens and Barton nocks an arrow, takes aim and lets it loose. The arrow swings in the air and attaches to the side of one of the carrier’s enormous engines, flashing. 95 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 95 Steve smirks. STEVE Put on the suit, let’s go a few rounds. THOR (laughs) You people are so petty, and tiny. BANNER Yeah, this is a team. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 73. FURY Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his- BANNER WHERE? YOU RENTED MY ROOM! FURY The cell was just- BANNER IN CASE YOU NEEDED TO KILL ME. BUT YOU CAN’T, I KNOW, I TRIED! He stops, everyone is staring at him. I got low. I didn’t see an end so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out. So I moved on, I focused on helping other people. I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk. You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm? Everyone is watching Banner, Fury and Natasha reach for their guns. STEVE Doctor Banner, put down the scepter. Banner looks down, surprised, to see the spear in his hand. The monitor makes a noise, signaling the Tesseract has been located. Banner puts the scepter back on the table and walks over to the screen on the other side of the room. FURY Got it! BANNER Sorry, kids. You don’t get to see my party trick after all. THOR Located the Tesseract? TONY I can get there faster. STEVE Look, all of us- NOVAR The Tesseract belongs on Asgard, no human is a match for it. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 74. Stark turns to leave and Rogers holds him back. STEVE You’re not going alone! Tony smacks his hand. TONY You gonna stop me? STEVE Put on the suit, let’s find out! TONY I’m not afraid to hit an old man. STEVE Put on the suit. Banner sees something on the monitor. BANNER Oh-my-god. 96 INT. BARTON’S JET - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 96 Barton kneels down and presses a button on his bow. The arrow head explodes. 97 EXT. HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 97 The blast destroys one of the engines. 98 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 98 Everyone in the lab flying in different directions. Fury and Thor fall to the ground behind a table. Tony and Steve are blown to the entry way. Banner and Natasha fly out the Wishbone lab and into the lower equipment room. 99 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 99 Pieces of flaming debris fall to earth. 75. 100 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 100 Steve and Tony scramble to their feet. STEVE Put on the suit. TONY Yep. Steve helps Tony up and the run out of the lab. 101 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - MORNING 101 People are running around, yelling and grabbing guns while the monitors are beeping wildly. SHIELD Techs are panicing. SHIELD Agents are gearing up and running to their stations. INTERCOM VOICE All hands engaged. The whole place is hectic. 102 INT. CORNER HALLWAY, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 102 An agent frantically runs down the hall, smoke is dispensing from some pipes. 103 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 103 Fury sits up, groaning. FURY (into earpiece) Hill! 104 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 104 Hill is standing her command area. She is looking at a screen. MARIA HILL Number Three engine is down. FEMALE CARRIER BRIDGE TECH We’ve been hit. Hill runs over to a bridge tech’s station. MARIA HILL Did we get a run in? Talk to me. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 76. OFF SCREEN WORKER We got a fire in Engine Three. CARRIER BRIDGE TECH 1 The line looks mostly in tact but it’s impossible to get out there to make repairs while we’re in the air. MARIA HILL We lose one more engine we won’t be. (into earpiece) Somebody’s gotta get outside and patch that engine. 105 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 105 FURY (into earpiece) Stark, you copy that? TONY (over Fury’s earpiece) I’m on it. 106 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 106 Coulson runs down some steps. FURY (over Coulson’s earpiece) Coulson, initiate defensive lock down in the contingent center. Then get to the armory. 107 INT. WISHBONE HALL, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 107 FURY (into earpiece) Romanoff! 108 INT. LOWER EQUIPMENT ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 108 Natasha’s leg is trapped under a very large pipe. She tries pulling herself painfully free. He groans in pain. He gives up. Banner is in the corner spazing out, he is fine but he is making very wired moments. NATASHA (into earpiece) Okay! (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 77. She looks over to Banner, who is breathing heavy, having landed hard. He is gripping the grated flooring to maintain control, but his eyes are green, his face intense. NATASHA (CONT’D) (quietly, to herself) We’re okay, right? 109 EXT. DECK, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 109 Barton and his men have landed and are making their way across the deck and over to an air vent. Barton signals his men to kick in the vent and they do. 110 INT. ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 110 The grating is kicked in and the men jump down. Barton gives them orders. BARTON (to three of his men) Keep that engine down. (to two others) Detention, wait for camera to go dark. (to last two) Stay close. 111 EXT. ND HALLWAY, CARRIER - MORNING 111 Tony and Cap run through a dim, debris-filled hall. TONY Find engine three. I’ll meet you there. Cap peels off as Tony approaches a tech room. Inside, Tony’s IRON MAN suit stands waiting, lit from above in all its glory. 112 INT. LOWER EQUIPMENT ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 112 ON BANNER’S FACE in the dim light as he struggles to suppress the rage, but his face is growing, changing slowly. Natasha is pulling herself painfully free again, talking to Banner... NATASHA Doctor? Bruce, you gotta fight it. This is just what Loki wants. We’re gonna be okay. Listen to me. Two MAINTENANCE GUYS run in. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 78. MAINTENANCE GUY You hurt? Natasha waves them away. NATASHA We’re gonna be okay. Right? I swear on my life I will get you out of this, you will walk away, and never ever -- BANNER (growling) Your life? His voice has the change in it -- the bitter amusement is morphing to a growled threat. Banner begins to transform into the Hulk, shirt tearing, he throws himself away from Romanoff, who looks terrified, then he turns to look at her, transforming -- just as the lights go out. NATASHA Bruce. The transformation completes and Banner’s alter ego, the Hulk, gets unsteadily to his feet, and roars. Romanoff wrenches her foot free and stands looking -- and the Hulk turns to look at her. She turns and runs up the catwalk stairs as the Hulk chases her. She swings over a catwalk, and rolls under a turbine, as the Hulk tears down the stairs. Natasha jumps through small places as the Hulk grabs after her, roaring loudly. She crawls away under pipes. 113 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 113 In the cell, Loki hears the Hulk roaring and smiles. 114 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 114 Fury enters, running, yelling. FURY Bring the carrier to a one-eight-zero south. Take us to the water. SHIELD AGENT We’re blind. Navigation re calibrated after the engine failure. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 79. FURY Is the sun coming up? SHIELD AGENT Yes, sir. FURY Then put us on the left. Get us over water. One more turbine goes down then we drop. 115 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 115 Steve has just arrived at the damaged engine. STEVE Stark! Stark, I’m here. Tony, in full Iron Man armor flies close to the engine. IRON MAN Good. Let’s see what we got. He begins to examine the engine, his suit scanning through the different levels of machinery. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY (to himself) I gotta get this super conducting cooling system back online before I can access the rotors, work on dislodging the debris. BACK TO SCENE: IRON MAN (to Steve) I need you to get to that engine control panel and tell me which relays are in overload position. Rogers jumps and swings himself over to the control panel and opens it up while Iron Man works on the engine. TONY (over Steve’s earpiece) What’s it look like in there? STEVE It seems to run on some form of electricity. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 80. TONY Well, you’re not wrong. 116 INT. LOWER ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 116 The place is dark. Natasha sneaks under an engine. She is hiding from the Hulk. She hears the footsteps. She pulls her gun, holding it ready and she moves out from the pips and walks. Suddenly, the Hulk jumps at her, roaring. Romanoff fires her gun at a pipe over his head and gas shoots out. She runs along a narrow passage, the Hulk crashing through behind her. He comes up on her fast. In slo-mo he catches up to her as she is about to run off the passage -- he back hands her against a wall. He steps towards her. Natasha is groaning, unable to move, scared. He raises a fist, about to strike, when he is tackled through a wall by Thor. They are in the... 117 INT. LOWER DOCKING AREA, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 117 The two roll into a docking area with planes and personnel run from the room. The two circle one another, as Natasha takes the attack in -- then the Hulk strikes, throwing wild punches as Thor ducks and weaves. Hulk brings down a fist and Thor holds it above him, on his knees. THOR We’re not your enemies, Banner! Try to think! Hulk punches Thor across the room and through a container. 118 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - MORNING 118 Iron Man blasts away debris from the engine with his uni beam. STEVE (over Iron Man’s helmet) ’Kay, the relays are intact. Cap pushes the engine control panel back in. STEVE What’s our next move? The CAMERA PULLS OUT a bit (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 81. IRON MAN Even if I clear the rotors, this thing won’t re-engage without a jump.... INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY ...I’m gonna have to get in there and push. BACK TO SCENE: STEVE Well, if that thing gets up to speed, you’ll get shredded! [BEGIN INTERCUT] IRON MAN HELMET / STEVE TONY Then stay in the control unit and reverse polarity long enough to disengage maglev and that should- STEVE Speak English! TONY See that red lever? Cap looks to his side. (over Steve’s earpiece) It’ll slow the rotors down long enough for me to get out. TONY Stand by it, wait for my word. END INTERCUT Rogers makes his way over to the lever. 119 INT. LOWER DOCKING AREA, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 119 Thor flies in some stacked containers. He slides across the floor on one knee and one leg out. He wipes a little blood from his nose. The Hulk roars and Thor looks up, grinning, and raises his hand. Mjolnir comes flying through the docking area and Thor catches it just as the Hulk charges through and hits him on the jaw -- sending him into a plane. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 82. Hulk get up and rips the wing off the plane, flinging it at Thor, who ducks, causing the wing to hit a jeep. Thor throws Mjolnir. The Hulk catches the hammer but is pulled backwards. He tries to lift the hammer but cannot. Thor picks it up and wraps his arms around the Hulk’s neck. Hulks tries swinging Thor off. 120 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 120 Fury is at the controls and Hill is walking across the room. FURY We need full evac on the lower hangar bed. Hill nods and walks up and signals some agents. A small device rolls over to their feet. MARIA HILL GRENADE! The device explodes sending agents flying. In the smoke, Loki’s men enter, guns at the ready. Fury knocks one out, using his gun to shoot at another. While he is taking care of a third, a forth man enters and is about to fire when Hill shoots him in the head. She is pissed and bleeding. 121 INT. ARMORY, CARRIER - MORNING 121 Coulson makes his way over to the armory door. Over the intercom... INTERCOM VOICE We’ve got perimeter breach. Hostiles are in SHIELD gear. Call out to every junction. Coulson pushes down on a switch and scans his eyeball. 122 INT. WISHBONE LAB, CARRIER - MOMENTS LATER 122 Hulk and Thor crash through the floor of the Wishbone lab. Thor lays on the ground, he looks up, and Hulk grabs him by the throat. 123 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 123 Fury, Hill, and other agents are shooting toward Loki’s men. The place is chaotic. BrigeTechs are taking cover and hiding from gunfire. Over the intercom... (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 83. INTERCOM VOICE We’ve got the Hulk and Thor on Research Level Four. Levels Two and Three are gone. MARIA HILL Sir, the Hulk will tear this place apart! FURY Get his attention. MARIA HILL (into earpiece) Escort 6-Oh, proceed to Wishbone and... 124 EXT. FIGHT JET, HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS (MORNING) 124 A fighter jet is slowly pulling up to the helicarrier. MARIA HILL (over jet radio) ...engage hostile. Don’t get too close. YOUNG SHIELD PILOT Copy. The jet flies to where Hulk and Thor are fighting, seemingly evenly matched. YOUNG SHIELD PILOT Target acquired. Target engaged. He fires his guns toward Hulk. The barrage of bullets bounce off of Hulk. He roars, running at the window. Hulk crashes through it, leaping at the jet. Target angry. Target angry. Hulk lands on the nose of the jet and tears at the metal as it swerves in the air. The pilot tries to eject himself but the Hulk grabs him and throws him off to the side. The pilot’s parachute opens and the plane explodes, sending Hulk plummeting to the earth. 125 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - MOMENTS LATER (DAY) 125 Iron Man saws off pieces of debris with a laser. He jumps on them, knocking them off the rotors. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 84. A pair of Loki’s men engage, one throws a grenade. Cap jumps into the air and slaps it away. He land back on the carrier and fights them off, standing close to the lever. He ends up throwing one of the men off the carrier. Cap jumps onto a catwalk, picks up a machine gun, and begins firing at the last man. 126 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 126 Fury is still shooting at the enemies. FURY (to himself) They are not getting through here so what the- Barton fires arrows from above and they explode. He fires another which hits the control panel. Fury sees him and begins to shoot, while the arrow, having hit a plug, hacks the helicarrier systems, causing a second engine to malfunction, it’s dead. INTERCOM VOICE Engine One is now in shutdown. The helicarrier tilts dangerously. Everyone in the bridge begins rolling. SHIELD WORKER Sir, we’ve lost all power in Engine One. 127 INT. LOWER ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 127 Natasha sits in the carnage of the Hulk’s rampage, shaking. She slowly lifts a hand to her earpiece. FURY (over Natasha’s earpiece) It’s Barton, he took out our systems. He’s headed for the detention lab. Does anybody copy? NATASHA (into earpiece) This is Agent Romanoff. I copy. Natasha staggers to her feet. Ready. 85. 128 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - DAY 128 Iron Man is trying to push the rotor. FURY (over earpiece) Stark, we’re losing altitude. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Yep, noticed. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man flies in between the rotors and begins to push, slowly picking up speed as sparks fly. Cap is forced over the edge by a gunman and falls -- almost dropping off the carrier, hanging on by a wire. 129 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 129 Thor runs into the room where Loki’s contained. He sees the door slide up and runs over to Loki, only to go straight through him. Loki reappears behind him and closes the door, locking Thor inside. LOKI Are you ever not going to fall for that? 130 INT. ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 130 Barton is walking along a passage catwalk. Natasha appears behind him and he quickly turns and shoots a bow, which flies by her. She pushes his hand. He charges her and she kicks him, then rolls underneath some pipes -- popping up on the other side of the catwalk, kicking him in the knee. He shoots another arrow, which she dodges by dropping across to the next passage. Barton follows her. They fight along that catwalk. The fight is very even. Barton tries hitting her with the bow and she pulls on the string. They fight some more, headbutting and punching. They both pull daggers. 86. 131 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 131 Thor his the cage with his hammer, the cage cracks but it begins to shake off the bolts and shudders. LOKI (laughs) The humans think us immortal. Shall we test that? Loki moves to open the chute beneath the cell, dropping Thor to, what for any regular person, would be certain death. Coulson suddenly appears, wielding a large prototype Phase Two weapon. AGENT COULSON Move away please. Loki steps back from the panel. Coulson gestures to the gun. Do you like this? We started working on the prototype after you sent the Destroyer. Even I don’t know what it does. Do you wanna find out? Coulson prepares to fire the weapon when Loki disappears, reappearing behind him and thrusting the point of his spear through Coulson’s chest. He yells and drops to the floor. THOR NO! Loki returns to the panel, opening the chute and pressing the button which sends the cell, and Thor, falling from the ship. 132 INT. ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 132 Natasha and Barton are still fighting. Natasha grabs Barton arm and thrusts it back. He groans as he throws the dagger to his free hand. Natasha grabs that hand too but he hoists her against a wall. Barton grabs Natasha’s hair and pulls, exposing her neck to his dagger. Romanoff sinks her teeth into his arm and he lets go, trying to force her down when she spins, throwing Barton into the railing. He falls to the ground, groaning, then looks up. BARTON Natasha! She sends him a left hook. 87. 133 EXT. SKIES - MOMENTS LATER (DAY) 133 The cell is still dropping, flipping all over the place. 134 INT. CYLINDRICAL GLASS CAGE, SKIES - CONTINUOUS 134 Thor trying desperately to break free from the cell, swinging Mjolnir at the glass sides as he plummets, twisting and turning, through the air. He braces himself against a wall and launches across the space, crashing through the glass and just before the cell slams into the ground. 135 EXT. REMOTE FIELD - CONTINUOUS 135 Thor crashes into a field like a meteorite. 136 INT. EMPTY DETENTION ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 136 Coulson is slumped on the floor and Loki turns to leave. AGENT COULSON You’re going to lose. LOKI Am I? AGENT COULSON It’s in your nature, LOKI your heroes are scattered, your floating fortress falls from the sky. Where is my disadvantage? AGENT COULSON You lack conviction. LOKI I don’t think I- Coulson fires the weapon, which shoots a blast of fire similar to that of the Destroyer, sending Loki flying through a wall. AGENT COULSON So that’s what it does. 88. 137 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - DAY 137 Fury is working the controls. INTERCOM VOICE All hands to your stations immediately. 138 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 138 The helicarrier is still falling. Iron Man is attempting to kick start the engine by manually moving the huge rotors. He is pushing the blades, flying faster and faster until they start spinning on their own and the ship levels off. INSIDE THE HELMET: TONY Cap hit the lever! [INTERCUT] CAP / IRON MAN HELMET Cap still hangs from the side of the ship by a power cord. STEVE i need a minute here! TONY Lever! Now! Cap hauls himself up. END INTERCUT Iron Man is pushed back up against one of the rotors, now spinning too fast for him to escape. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY (CONT’D) Uh-oh. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man is sucked into the blades and is spun wildly around before Cap manages to pull the lever and he is able to fly out. He manages to right himself and flies back to the ship, taking out the gunman shooting at Cap. 89. 139 EXT. DECK, CARRIER - MOMENTS LATER 139 A jet takes off. Inside it is Loki, who is smiling and watching the carrier. 140 INT. EMPTY DETENTION ROOM, CARRIER - DAY 140 Coulson, slumped on the floor with the gun in his lap. Fury enters and kneels down by him. AGENT COULSON I’m sorry boss. They got rabbited. FURY Just stay awake. Eyes on me. AGENT COULSON Oh I’m clockin’ out here. FURY Not an option. AGENT COULSON It’s okay, boss. This was never gonna work- if they didn’t have something- to His breathing halts and Fury stands to let the medical team through. He leans against the railing. 141 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 141 Hill is having a head wound tended to. FURY (over Hill’s earpiece) Agent Coulson is down. Hill pushes the doctor away. 142 INT. ENGINE ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 142 Natasha stands on the catwalk as Barton is dragged away by some agents. She listens intently. SHIELD WORKER (over Natasha’s earpiece) A medical team is on its way to your location. FURY (over Natasha’s earpiece) They’re here. 90. 143 EXT. ENGINE 3, HELICARRIER - CONTINUOUS 143 Tony and Cap stand together by the engine, quietly listening. FURY (over their earpiece) They called it. 144 INT. CONFERENCE TABLE, BRIDGE, CARRIER - DAY 144 Steve, Tony, and Fury are gathered at a table. Hill stands to the side. Fury pulls a handful of cards out. FURY These were in Phil Coulson’s jacket. Guess he never did get you to sign them. Fury scatters them on the table. Some are wet with blood. We’re dead in the air up here. Our communications, location of the cube, Banner, Thor. I got nothing for you. Lost my one good eye. Think I had that coming. Fury begins to make his way around the table to Steve and Tony. Yes, we were going to build an arsenal with the Tesseract. I never put all my chips on that number, though, because I was playing something even riskier. There was an idea, Stark knows this, called the Avengers Initiative. Fury reaches a chair between Tony and Steve The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea, in heroes. Tony stands and walks out. Well, it’s an old fashioned notion. 91. 145 EXT. REMOTE FIELD - DAY 145 Thor is making his way over to Mjolnir. He hesitates to pick it up, fearing he is not worthy. He clenches his fist. 146 INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - SAME 146 Banner wakes, naked, in a pile of rubble. There is a SECURITY GUARD standing over him. SECURITY GUARD You fell out of the sky. BANNER Did I hurt anyone? SECURITY GUARD There’s nobody around here to get hurt. You did scare the hell out of some pigeons though. BANNER Lucky. SECURITY GUARD Or just good aim. You were awake when you fell. BANNER You saw? SECURITY GUARD The whole thing, right through the ceiling. Big and green and buck ass nude. Here- SECURITY GUARD throws Banner a some clothes, which he begins to pull on. didn’t think those would fit you until you shrunk down to a regular size fella. BANNER Thank you. SECURITY GUARD Are you an alien? BANNER What? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 92. SECURITY GUARD From outer space, an alien? BANNER No. SECURITY GUARD Well then, son, you’ve got a condition. Banner steps down from the pile of rubble in the warehouse, pulling on the shirt. SECURITY GUARD (CONT’D) So, which one is it? BANNER Sorry? SECURITY GUARD Are you a big guy that gets all little, or a little guy that, ah- sometimes blows up large? BANNER You know- I’m not even sure. SECURITY GUARD You got somewhere to go? BANNER Stark Tower. I- no. The Security Guard looks at him. Yes. SECURITY GUARD I’d expect some confusion of the mind, since your body’s kind of all over the place, but it has to be one or the other. The Security Guard gestures Banner to follow him. BANNER I know where I could do the most good, but it’s where I can do the most harm. SECURITY GUARD Well, that’s no different than anybody else. They walk out the doors. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 93. Me? I’m here is Jersey where I can’t do much of either. And since I’m not likely to move on from this placement, you may as well- pilfer my ride. The Security Guard gestures to an old motorcycle. BANNER I don’t know which way to go. SECURITY GUARD Your mind’s already made up, son. The rest of you will follow. 147 INT. SICK BAY, CARRIER - DAY 147 Barton is strapped to a hospital bed. Natasha sits by him as he strains against the bonds, breathing hard and shaking his head. NATASHA Clint, you’re gonna be alright. BARTON You know that? Is that what you know? I gotta go in though. I have to flush him out. NATASHA You gotta level out, it’s gonna take time. BARTON You don’t understand. Have you ever had someone take your brain and play? Pull you out and stuff something else in? You know what it’s like to be unmade? NATASHA You know that I do. BARTON Why am I back? How did you get him out? NATASHA Cognitive recalibration. I hit you really hard in the head. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 94. BARTON Thanks. Natasha begins to remove the strap restraints. Natasha, how many agents? NATASHA Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for. BARTON Loki. He get away? NATASHA Yeah. I don’t suppose you know where? BARTON Didn’t need to know. Didn’t ask. He’s gonna make his play soon though. Today. Natasha walks to the door. NATASHA We gotta stop him. BARTON Yeah? Who’s we? NATASHA I don’t know. Whoever is left. BARTON Well, if I put an arrow through Loki’s eye socket I’d sleep better I suppose. NATASHA Now you sound like you. BARTON But you don’t. You’re a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you? NATASHA He didn’t, I just- (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 95. BARTON Natasha. NATASHA I’ve been compromised. I got red in my ledger. I’d like to wipe it out. 148 INT. EMPTY DETENTION ROOM, CARRIER - DAY 148 Tony stand over looking where the cylindrical glass cage used to be. Steve enters the room. STEVE Was he married? TONY No. There was a uh- cellist, I think. STEVE I’m sorry. He seemed like a good man. TONY He was an idiot. Tony and Steve slowly move toward each other. STEVE Why? For believing? TONY For taking on Loki alone. STEVE He was doing his job. TONY He was out of his league. He should have waited. He should have- STEVE Sometimes there isn’t a way out, Tony. TONY Right. How did that work for him? STEVE Is this the first time you’ve lost a soldier? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 96. TONY We are not soldiers! I’m not marching to Fury’s fife. STEVE Neither am I. He’s got the same blood on his hands that Loki does, but right now we gotta put that behind us and get this done. Now Loki needs a power source, if we can put together a list- Tony looks down at the place Coulson fell, there is a dent in the wall. TONY He made it personal. STEVE That’s not the point. TONY That is the point. That’s Loki’s point. He hit us all right where we live. Why? STEVE To tear us apart. TONY Yeah, divide and conquer is great but- he knows he has to take us out to win, right? That’s what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience. STEVE Right. I caught his act in Stuttgart. TONY Yeah. That’s just previews, this is- this is opening night. And Loki, he’s a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered....Son of-a-bitch. 97. 149 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - DAY 149 Selvig is setting up the device to open the portal. 150 INT. SICK BAY, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 150 Barton is in the restroom and Natasha it sitting on the bed. Steve is suited up, he enters. Natasha stands. CAPTAIN AMERICA Time to go. NATASHA Go where? CAPTAIN AMERICA I’ll tell you on the way. Can you fly one of those jets? Barton enters from the restroom, drying his hands. BARTON I can. Cap looks at Natasha, who nods. CAPTAIN AMERICA Got a suit? BARTON Yeah. CAPTAIN AMERICA Then suit up. SERIES OF SHOTS: A) In the field, Thor lifts Mjolnir to the skies. B) Cap straps his shield onto his back. C) Barton puts on his quiver. D) Natasha powers up her Widow’s Bite. Her bracelets light up. E) Tony is in a workshop making repairs to his helmet. Agents walk by in the background. The helmet lights up. F) Thor summons a bolt of lightening. The field grows dark, with clouds. His armor slowly begins to fly on. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 98. G) Barton and Natasha walk side-by-side behind Captain America, who is leading them through the lower hangar bay. They’re all ready to kick butt. H) Thor’s armor finally gathers. END OF SERIES OF SHOTS 151 INT. QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 151 Cap, Barton, and Natasha walk onto the jet. SHIELD ENGINEER Hey, you guys aren’t authorized to be in here. CAPTAIN AMERICA Son, just don’t! 152 INT. AIR DECK, BRIDGE, CARRIER - DAY 152 Fury is holding Coulson’s cards, over looking the air deck. Hill walks up behind him. MARIA HILL Sir. FURY Agent Hill. MARIA HILL Those cards, they were in Coulson’s locker, not in his jacket. FURY (staring at the cards) They needed the push. He sees the quinjet and Iron Man take off towards the city. INTERCOM VOICE We’ve got unauthorized departure from Bay Six. FURY They found it. Get our communications back up, whatever you have to do. I want eyes on everything. MARIA HILL Yes, sir. 99. 153 EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE - DAY 153 Iron Man is flying toward the city, his suit is losing power. He continues to make his way to Stark Tower. 154 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS 154 Selvig, still under the control of Loki, is ready to activate the device he created with the Tesseract. Iron Man slowly reaches. JARVIS Sir, I turned off the arc reactor. The device is already self-sustaining IRON MAN Shut it down, Dr. Selvig. JARVIS It’s too late! She can’t stop now. She wants to show us something! A new universe. IRON MAN (annoyed) Okay. He fires at the barrier around the device, but the Tesseract deflects it, sending the energy outwards, knocking Selvig out and Iron Man back. JARVIS The barrier is pure energy. It’s unbreachable. IRON MAN Yeah, I got that. Iron Man looks down to see Loki on the platform outside the penthouse. I’m beat. JARVIS Sir, the Mark Seven is not ready for deployment. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Then skip the spinning rims, we’re on the clock. 100. [BACK TO SCENE] Tony lands and as his suit is deconstructed, he walks through into the tower penthouse, watching Loki carefully. Loki walks in as well. 155 INT. PENTHOUSE, STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 155 Inside the tower, Loki walks forward as Tony goes behind his bar. LOKI Please tell me you’re going to appeal to my humanity. TONY Uh- actually, I’m planning to threaten you. LOKI You should have left your armor on for that. TONY Yeah, it’s seen a bit of mileage. You’ve got the uh- blue stick of destiny. Would you like a drink? LOKI Stalling me won’t change anything. TONY No, no, no- threatening. No drink? You sure? I’m having one. LOKI The Chitauri are coming, nothing will change that. What have I to fear? TONY The Avengers. It’s what we call ourselves, sort of like a team. ’Earth’s Mightiest Heroes’ type of thing. LOKI Yes, I’m met them. TONY Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I’ll give you that one. But, let’s do a head count here. Your brother, the Demi-God; (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 101. Loki turns away and Tony slips a pair of bracelets onto his wrists. A super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and you, big fella, you’ve managed to piss off every single one of them. LOKI That was the plan. Tony begins to walk to the center of the penthouse where Loki is. TONY Not a great plan. When they come, and they will, they’ll come for you. LOKI I have an army. TONY We have a Hulk. LOKI Oh, I thought the beast had wandered off. TONY Yeah- you’re missing the point. There’s no throne, there is no version of this, where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us, but it’s all on you. ’Cause if we can’t protect the earth, you can be damned well sure we’ll avenge it. Loki walks over to Tony, pointing his scepter. LOKI How will your friends have time for me, when they’re so busy fighting you? Loki walks up to Tony, and places the tip of the scepter over his heart. It clinks against the arc reactor. This usually works. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 102. TONY Well, performance issues. You know? Loki grabs Tony by the throat and throws him across the room. JARVIS, anytime now. Loki grabs Tony again. LOKI You will all fall before me. TONY JARVIS. Deploy. Loki sends Stark crashing through the window, and plummeting toward the ground. TONY (O.S) Deploy! Behind Loki, the Mark Seven suit goes rocketing past and out after Stark.... 156 EXT. STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 156 It catches up to him and, locking on to the bracelets, attaches to him and unfolds to a full suit. Tony manages to stop his fall moments before he hits the ground and flies back up to Loki at the window. IRON MAN And there’s one other person you pissed off! His name is Phil. Iron Man fires a repulsor blast at Loki and he is knocked down. Meanwhile the device has powered up and shoots a stream of blue energy at the sky, which opens into a portal where the Chitauri army waits. The hoards of aliens begin to fly through. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Right! Army. 157 EXT. SKIES - CONTINUOUS 157 Iron Man speeds towards the incoming army, shooting at them. The Chitauri fire back at him. He fires more blasts, spinning out the way, dodging the exploding debris. 103. Iron Man continues flying higher. BAM! He is hit by a Chitauri hovercraft. He rights himself and releases mini-missiles at the Chitauri, blowing them up. 158 EXT. STREETS OF MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 158 The citizens get out of their taxis and vehicles, looking to the sky. They run for their lives as the Chitauri come toward them -- blowing up cars, buildings, and the streets. 159 EXT. OUTDOOR AREA, CAFE - CONTINUOUS 159 The Chitauri fire at the restaurant. WAITRESS and her co-workers are left outside, they duck and take cover from the shots. When they get the chance, they take off inside the cafe. 160 INT. CAFE - CONTINUOUS 160 WAITRESS, her co-workers, and customers look out the window at the destruction that the aliens cause. 161 EXT. STARK TOWER LANDING PAD - CONTINUOUS 161 Loki walks out on the pad, his Asgardian armor materializing as he looks out over the chaos below. Suddenly, Thor lands lower on the platform. THOR Loki, turn off the Tesseract or I’ll destroy it! LOKI You can’t. There is no stopping it. There is only the war! THOR So be it. Loki leaps at Thor and the two begin to fight, a blast from Loki’s scepter sending one of the letters of STARK falling to the ground. 162 EXT. STREETS OF MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 162 Civilians are running for their lives, screaming. Several police cars show up. POLICE SERGEANT and YOUNG COP step out of their car where they look up at the Chitauri. 104. 163 EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE - DAY 163 The quinjet flies toward Stark Tower, which is beaming the blue stream to the sky. NATASHA (V.O) (over Tony’s helmet) Stark, we’re on a... INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: NATASHA (over HUD display) ...three heading north east. TONY What, did you stop for drive-thru? Swing that park, I’m gonna lay ’em out for you. 164 EXT. STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 164 Iron Man flies fast, leading a troop of Chitauri, past Stark Tower -- where Thor and Loki are still fight each other. He flies around the building, takes a sharp turn -- causing some of the troop to crash. 165 INT. COCKPIT, QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 165 Barton and Natasha are piloting the plane. They release the canon gun. Iron Man flies past them at high-speed and they release continuous fire at the troop of Chitauri in front of them. They fly through the smoke and up to Stark Tower. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: JARVIS Sir, we have more incoming. TONY Fine. Let’s keep them occupied. 166 EXT. QUINJET, SKIES OF MIDTOWN - CONTINUOUS 166 The quinjet comes around a building, blasting the army who are firing at them. One of the wings are grazed by Chitauri gunfire. They slow as the come to.... 105. 167 EXT. STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 167 Thor smashes Loki’s head into a glass on the catwalk of Stark Tower. They still fight. INSIDE QUINJET COCKPIT: BARTON Nat! NATASHA I see ’em. BACK TO SCENE: Loki spots the jet. He throws Thor to the floor, then blasts one of the jet’s rotor blades with his scepter -- it catches fire. Thor sees, angry, charges Loki and tackles him as the quinjet falls to the ground. Loki and Thor throw punches. INSIDE THE QUINJET: Natasha and Barton hold on for their dear lives. Cap grabs a hold of the roof as the plane grazes buildings and crashes to the street. Natasha and Barton remove their headsets, open the ramp, and Cap and them exit the jet. 168 EXT. OVERPASS BELOW STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 168 CAPTAIN AMERICA We gotta get back up there. They run onto the overpass, looking up at Stark Tower. They freeze as they see a giant armored Leviathan -- a warship of the Chitauri, flies through the portal with more warriors. They warriors jump onto the side of buildings and into the buildings where they shoot civilians. CAPTAIN AMERICA (CONT’D) Stark, are you seeing this? TONY (V.O) Seeing. still working on believing... INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY ...Where’s Banner? Has he shown up yet? (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 106. CAPTAIN AMERICA (over radio) Banner? TONY Just keep me posted. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man flies after the Leviathan. JARVIS, find me a soft spot. The Leviathan tears through buildings, roaring. 169 EXT. STARK TOWER LANDING PAD - CONTINUOUS 169 Thor holds Loki down and gestures to the chaos in Manhattan below them. THOR Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule? LOKI It’s too late. It’s too late to stop it. THOR No. We can, together. Loki pauses, then slips a knife into his hand and stabs Thor. LOKI Sentiment! Thor gets back up and lifts Loki, then drops him. Loki rolls himself off the edge of the building, only to land on one of the flying Chitauri crafts. He flies off with a troop of Chitauri. 170 EXT. OVERPASS BELOW STARK TOWER - DAY 170 Barton and Natasha are crouched behind a taxi cab. Cap runs over. BARTON We’ve got civilians trapped. Loki flies over them on the flying crafts. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 107. CAPTAIN AMERICA Loki. [CUTAWAY TO STREETS] Loki and his following troop blowing up the streets. A JAPANESE FAMILY runs away as they are almost shot. A flying craft flies through a Dr. Pepper truck. Loki and the troop come to a busy street -- the one where the YOUNG COP and POLICE SERGEANT are at -- and blow up cars. The police and civilians run for their lives. BACK TO OVERPASS: They’re fish in a barrel down there. Natasha stands and fires both her guns at an incoming group of Chitauri. NATASHA We got this. It’s good. Go! CAPTAIN AMERICA You think you can hold them off? BARTON Captain, it would be my genuine pleasure. Barton grabs a arrow and shoots it, hitting one alien in the head, the arrow quickly separates into more arrows, killing three Chitauri aliens. Cap leaves the other two fighting and jumps off an overpass, rolling onto a bus and into the street. Barton helps people off a bus as Natasha shoots her pistols at Chitauri. He runs over to Natasha and begins releasing arrows as she shoots. NATASHA Just like Budapest all over again! BARTON You and I remember Budapest very differently. 108. 171 EXT. STREETS OF MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 171 Cap runs through the street towards a group of police shooting at Chitauri. He is running and jumping off cars. YOUNG COP It’s gonna be an hour before they scramble the National Guard. POLICE SERGEANT National Guard! The two duck to avoid a Chitauri blast. POLICE SERGEANT (CONT’D) Does the army know what’s happening here? YOUNG COP Do we? Cap jumps down on the car in front of them. CAPTAIN AMERICA (gesturing) You need men in these buildings. There are people inside and they can be running right into the line of fire. You take them to the basement or through the subway, you keep them off the streets. I need a perimeter as far back as 39th. POLICE SERGEANT Why the hell should I take orders from you? Two Chitauri warriors attack Cap, he fights them off easily then turns back to the two men. The two cops stand shock. The POLICE SERGEANT reacts and walks back to his men. POLICE SERGEANT I need men in those buildings, lead the people down and away from the streets. (into radio) We gonna set up a perimeter all the way down to 39th street. CUTAWAY TO IRON MAN: Iron Man fires a stream of ammunition at the Leviathan, which turns to follow him. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 109. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY It noticed me... BACK TO IRON MAN: IRON MAN ...yay! Stark flies off and the Leviathan follows him. 172 EXT. OVERPASS BELOW STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 172 Barton and Natasha are fighting warrior up close. Barton trips one with his bow. He pulls an arrow and stabs it. Natasha is using her Widow’s Bite on a warrior as she sits on his neck. Natasha picks up a Chitauri weapon and is using it to fight off the warriors. One warrior tries to slice her head off and she slides, dodging it. She jumps to her feet and hits it in the head with the sharp part of the weapon. Barton knocks over another warrior. He grabs an arrow and shoots behind himself, killing another warrior. He marches over to another Chitauri and battles him. Meanwhile Natasha is taking on three warriors by herself. She shoots one, then spins around and stabs one in the neck. Barton is tackled to the cement by a warrior. He groans and stabs one with a arrow, then throws the warrior to the ground. Out of nowhere, another Chitauri attacks him and kicks him onto the trunk of a cab. Natasha stabs a warrior with the Chitauri weapon. She hits the other over the head. She spins to her knees, aims in one direction, and fires. Another Chitauri charges, she spins the weapon in that direction and fires. She continuously fires as Barton fights more aliens in the background. Barton’s head is slammed into the roof of a car. He is then thrown to the ground by a warrior. He’s tired, but he continues to fight. Natasha takes on two more Chitauri. They back her onto a taxi cab. They hit after her but she moves her head out of the way. She gets her footing, and tries to hit them with the weapon but a warrior grabs it and throws her feet into the air. She lands on the car and screams in pain, breathing heavily. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 110. Barton shoots more warriors around them, they are becoming overwhelmed but they keep on. Natasha regains her strength, runs to the aid of Barton by firing at Chitauri as he slides and shoots at Chitauri. Natasha and Barton are becoming surrounded by Chitauri and Cap rejoins them -- hitting Chitauri out the way. Thor drops down from the tower and kills Chitauri with a bolt of lightening. CAPTAIN AMERICA What’s the story upstairs? THOR The power surrounding the cube is impenetrable. TONY (over their earpieces) Thor is right, we gotta deal with these guys. NATASHA How do we do this? CAPTAIN AMERICA As a team. THOR I have unfinished business with Loki. BARTON (readying some arrows) Oh yeah! Get in line. CAPTAIN AMERICA Save it. Loki’s gonna keep this fight focused on us and that’s what we need. Without him these things could run wild. We got Stark up top, he’s gonna need us to- He stops, seeing Banner arrive on a motorbike. Cap and the others walk over and Banner dismounts, surveying the damage. BANNER So, this all seems horrible. NATASHA I’ve seen worse. BANNER Sorry. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 111. NATASHA No, we could- use a little worse. CAPTAIN AMERICA (into earpiece) Stark, we got him. TONY (over Cap’s earpiece) Banner? CAPTAIN AMERICA Just like you said. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Then tell him to suit up. I’m bringing the party to you. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man flies around a corner and towards the group, followed closely by the Leviathan. NATASHA (stuttering) I don’t see how that’s a party. Iron Man draws the creature low and it skims the road. Banner turns an begins to walk away, towards the Leviathan. CAPTAIN AMERICA Doctor Banner, now might be a really good time for you to get angry. BANNER That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry. Banner transforms into the Hulk and punches the Leviathan, smashing it into the ground. IRON MAN Hold On! Iron Man blasts a missile at the creature and it explodes. Barton ditches. Thor stands taking the blast. Cap shields Natasha. The Chitauri cry out. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (4) 112. [360 spin] The Avengers stand in a circle, Hulk roars, Hawkeye nocks an arrow, Thor readies Mjolnir, Black Widow loads her gun, Captain America stands ready and Iron Man hovers above them, landing next to the Hulk. Loki looks down from above. LOKI Send the rest. The Avengers look up, watching as more Leviathans and hundreds of warriors fly through the portal. NATASHA Guys? IRON MAN Call it, Captain. CAPTAIN AMERICA Alright, listen up. Until we can close that portal up there, we’re gonna use containment. Barton, I want you on that roof, eyes on everything. Call out patterns and strays. Stark, you got the perimeter. Anything gets more than three blocks out, you turn it back or you turn it to ash. BARTON (to Iron Man) Wanna give me a lift? IRON MAN Right. Better clench up, Legolas. Iron Man grabs Barton and flies him up to the top of a building, then flies off. CAPTAIN AMERICA Thor! You gotta try and bottleneck that portal, slow ’em down. You got the lightning, light the bastards up. Thor swings Mjolnir, flying off. CAPTAIN AMERICA (CONT’D) (to Natasha) You and me, we stay here on the ground, keep the fighting here. And Hulk! (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (5) 113. Hulk turns around facing Cap, who points at him. Smash! Hulk grins, then leaps off, taking out dozens of warriors that are on the sides of the buildings -- grabbing them, smashing them, throwing them. Hulk leaps across the air and slaps a flying craft out of the air. 173 EXT. TOP OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 173 Thor lands at to the top of the Chrysler building and summons a bolt of lightning. He sends it shooting out towards the portal, taking out warriors and Leviathan. 174 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 174 Fury is at his command center watching the news footage. Hill approaches Fury. MARIA HILL Sir. The council is on. 175 EXT. TOP OF A BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 175 Barton atop a building, fires relentlessly at Chitauri. BARTON Stark. You gotta lot of strays on your tail. 176 EXT. STREETS OF MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 176 A troop of Chitauri warriors are following Iron Man as he flies above the streets. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Just tryin’ to keep them off the streets. [BEGIN INTERCUT] BARTON / INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET BARTON Well they can’t bank worth a damn. Barton shoots at crafts. He misses, shooting behind his back without looking -- but the arrow hits another craft, causing it to explode. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 114. TONY I will roger that. END INTERCUT Iron Man flies by Hawkeye who fires at the crafts, blowing them up. Iron Man swerves behind two crafts and fires at them. He continues taking a series of quick turns as the Chitauri quickly drop, crash, or follow. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY (CONT’D) Oh- boy. [BACK TO SCENE] Iron Man goes flying through a tunnel and turns tightly at the end, sending the last few crafts crashing into a building. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY Nice call. What else you got? BARTON (over radio) Well, Thor’s taking out a squadron down on 6th. TONY And he didn’t invite me! 177 INT. OFFICE BUILDING - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 177 Elsewhere, a Leviathan approaches an office building and the inhabitants look on, scared. We hear fast & heavy footsteps. It’s Hulk charging through the building, jumping through the window and pulling the creature away. from the building. 178 EXT. OVERPASS BELOW STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 178 Natasha is going to town as she fights a warrior. She is thrown upon of a car. As the warrior is about to attack, Natasha uses her Widow’s Bite on it, shocking him out. She grabs the Chitauri gun and shoots him back. Someone lands behind her so she quickly turns and aims BUT it’s Cap. She stands down and leans against a car. NATASHA Captain, none of this is gonna mean a damn thing if we don’t close that portal. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 115. CAPTAIN AMERICA Our biggest guns couldn’t touch it. NATASHA Well, maybe it’s not about guns. CAPTAIN AMERICA You wanna get up there, you’re gonna need a ride. Natasha glances up, seeing the Chitauri crafts fly past. She makes her way over to the other side of the overpass. NATASHA I got a ride. I could use a boost though. CAPTAIN AMERICA You sure about this? Cap readies his shield in front of him. NATASHA Yeah, it’s gonna be fun! Natasha runs at Rogers, who uses his shield to boost her up. She grabs on to a passing Chitauri vehicle. Cap looks up as she flies off in the distance. He looks to his right and there are more warriors coming. [CUTAWAY] NATASHA ON A FLYING CRAFT Natasha climbs aboard the craft, pulls a dagger and stabs a warrior. She spin kicks him off the craft. She makes her way to the other one and uses him to control the vehicle. NATASHA (CONT’D) Turn, turn, Ah! FOLLOWING SHOT: Two crafts come up on Natasha, firing at her. She swerves to avoid them. The crafts are blasted away by Iron Man, who fires away at a fleet behind him. Iron Man takes a turn, coming up on the overpass, where he knocks Chitauri aliens over and lands by Cap, who is fighting and kicking Chitauri. Cap lifts his shield. Iron Man reflects a repulsor blast off the shield, taking out the surrounding warriors. He then flies up the side of a building, hitting more warriors. At the top of which Barton fires into the head of a Chitauri. Two blast are fired at him. He ducks and returns a shot by firing an arrow. The arrow hits the pilot of a craft which falls and gets hit by a Leviathan. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 116. On the creature is the Hulk who is fighting off warriors. Thor then lands on the same creature and takes on warriors with Hulk. When Hulk breaks a piece of the creature’s armor off, Thor uses Mjolnir to summon lightening and drive the metal into its head. The creature crashes to the ground, landing in... 179 INT. GRAND CENTRAL STATION - CONTINUOUS 179 Thor and Hulk dismount the creature and stand together, breathing heavily. Suddenly, Hulk punches Thor out of shot. 180 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - DAY 180 Selvig, having been knocked out when Tony tried to stop the Tesseract -- awakens. He looks around, he’s free from Loki’s control. 181 EXT. GRAND CENTRAL 42ND STREET STATION - CONTINUOUS 181 Army Tanks, and soldiers begin to arrive on scene. They shoot at the Chitauri, a little amazed of what is going on. 182 EXT. OVERPASS BELOW STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 182 Cap is on the ground, holding off a Chitauri’s weapon. He pushes the warrior off and onto sharp debris. As he stand- BARTON (over earpiece) Captain, the bank on 42nd, past Madison. They cornered a lot of civilians in there. CAPTAIN AMERICA I’m on it. Cap walks off. 183 INT. 42ND STREET BANK - CONTINUOUS 183 In the bank, a crown of civilians are surrounded by three armed warriors. Cap jumps through a window and begins to fight. He snaps the neck of one and throws him into the pit. CAPTAIN AMERICA Everyone clear out! He is then grabbed by a warrior, who he fights and breaks free. A grenade-like device goes off and it blasts Cap out a window and onto a car after his mask is pulled back from his face. He stands silently while police lead the civilians from the building. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 117. COUNCILWOMAN (V.O) Director Fury. The council has made a decision... 184 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 184 Fury is talking with the World Security Council over his command center. FURY (angry) I recognize the council has made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it. COUNCILMAN Director, you’re closer than any of our subs, you scramble that jet- Hill is breathing nervously, panicking, as she listens and watches. FURY (O.S) (angry) That is the island of Manhattan, Councilman. FURY (angry) Until I’m certain my team can’t hold it, I will not order a nuclear strike against a civilian population. COUNCILMAN If we don’t hold them in the air, we lose everything. FURY I’d send that bird out, we already have. Fury hangs up on them. 185 EXT. FLYING CHITAURI CRAFT - DAY 185 Natasha on board a Chitauri craft. She is shot at from behind and turns to see Loki, on another craft, following behind. She continues on toward the building Barton is at. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 118. NATASHA Oh you! (into radio) Hawkeye! 186 EXT. TOP OF A BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 186 Barton sees her coming in the distance. BARTON Nat, what are you doing? [BEGIN INTERCUT] NATASHA / BARTON NATASHA Uh, a little help! Barton nocks an arrow, waiting for Natasha and Loki to come past. BARTON I got it. Barton aims and fires. Loki catches the arrow inches from his face and looks first at it, then at Barton, smirking. The arrow explodes, sending Loki crashing onto the platform at the top of Stark Tower. END INTERCUT Natasha jumps off the craft. She flips in the air, landing onto... 187 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS 187 ...the roof. She rolls, sticking the landing. She flips her hair back. 188 EXT. STARK TOWER CATWALK - CONTINUOUS 188 Loki looks up at Romanoff when Hulk leaps up, grabbing him and throwing him through the window of the penthouse. 189 INT. PENTHOUSE, STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 189 He roars and moves towards Loki, who gets to his feet. LOKI ENOUGH! You are, all of you, beneath me! I AM GOD, YOU DULL CREATURE, AND I WILL NOT BE BULLIED BY- (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 119. Hulk grabs Loki by the feet and smashes him into the floor repeatedly, then throws him aside and walks away. HULK Puny God. Loki whimpers in pain. He has been beaten into submission. 190 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS 190 Natasha walks toward the Tesseract. SELVIG (O.S) The scepter. Natasha turns and walks over to Selvig. NATASHA Doctor. She kneels. SELVIG Loki’s scepter, the energy- the Tesseract can’t fight. You can’t protect against yourself. NATASHA It’s not your fault. You didn’t know what you were doing. SELVIG Well, actually I think I did. I built in a safety to cut the power source. NATASHA Loki’s scepter. SELVIG It may be able to close the portal. And I’m looking right at it. Selvig looks down to the platform below, where Loki’s scepter lies dropped from when Hulk took him out. 191 EXT. ABOVE STREETS OF MANHATTAN - CONTINUOUS 191 Thor is aboard a craft, fighting Chitauri. The craft swerves when a Leviathan crashes through a building, followed closely by Stark, who is shooting at it with lasers ON IRON MAN: (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 120. JARVIS Sir, we will lose power before we penetrate that shell. Iron Man pulls away from the Leviathan. He flies fast. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY JARVIS, you ever hear the tale of Jonah? JARVIS I wouldn’t consider him a role model. [BACK TO SCENE] Iron Man’s knee plates open, pushing out blades. He is heading directly toward the creature’s mouth. He flies through it. Blowing up the creature’s insides and out the tail end. He crashes to the ground but gets to his feet, only to be shot down again by warriors. 192 EXT. TOP OF A BUILDING - CONTINUOUS 192 Barton is attacked by warriors on the rook. He reaches for an arrow, but his quiver is empty. He instead uses the bow to fight them off. Looking up at the sky and seeing hundreds of approaching flying crafts, he pulls a single arrow from the body of a Chitauri and changes its head with the push of a button on his bow. In slo-mo, The Chitauri fire and Barton leaps off the building as it explodes, twisting in mid-air, then firing the arrow. Its head opens up into a grappling hook which attaches to the side of the building. Barton swings from the wire still attached to his bow and crashes through a window into a lower floor of the building. 193 EXT. BUILDING ROOF - CONTINUOUS 193 Hulk being attacked by Chitauri warriors. He throws them off and turns his attention to the sky, where dozens of crafts are flying over him, and roars. They all fire at once and Hulk is encompassed in smoke and flame. He roars. 194 INT. FIGHTER JET - CONTINUOUS 194 A jet is being lifted from the hangar and to the deck. COUNCILWOMAN (over radio) Director Fury is no longer in command. Override seven-alpha-one-one. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 121. JET PILOT Seven-alpha-one-one confirmed. We’re go for takeoff. 195 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 195 Hill notices something on her command center. MARIA HILL (to Fury) SIR, WE HAVE A BIRD IN MOTION! Fury runs out of the bridge. (into earpiece) Anyone on the deck we have a rogue bird. We need to shut it down! Repeat, takeoff is not authorized! 196 EXT. DECK, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 196 Fury runs onto the deck with a missile launcher and fires, taking the plane out. A second jet takes off and Fury lifts his gun but it is too far. 197 INT. PASSAGE TO DECK, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 197 Fury closes the door to the deck. FURY Stark, you hear me? You have a missile headed straight for the city. 198 EXT. STREET, MIDTOWN - CONTINUOUS 198 Iron Man is down on the ground. IRON MAN How long? INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: FURY (over radio) Three minutes. Max. Stay load can wipe out mid-town. TONY JARVIS, put everything we got into the thrusters. BACK TO SCENE: (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 122. JARVIS I just did. Iron Man blasts away warriors and flies off elsewhere. 199 EXT. FIGHTER JET - CONTINUOUS 199 The jet fires the nuke towards the city and turns around. JET PILOT Package is sent. Detonation in two minutes, thirty seconds. Mark. 200 EXT. NEW YORK CITY SKYLINE - DAY 200 We DOLLY IN on the chaotic and destructive city. 201 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS 201 In slo-mo, Cap and Thor catch their respective hammer and shield. Cap and Thor turn and fight off Chitauri warriors. Cap is shot in the ribs and drops to the ground, Thor sends a car rolling towards some of them and them throws Mjolnir in the other way. He helps Captain to his feet. THOR You ready for another bout? STEVE What, you gettin’ sleepy? 202 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS 202 Natasha has retrieved Loki’s scepter and Selvig is setting up his equipment. He points to the device. SELVIG Right at the crown! Natasha begins to push the spear through the barrier surrounding the cube, it’s hard to break. NATASHA (into earpiece) I can close it. Can anybody copy? I can shut the portal down! 123. 203 EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS 203 Steve hears and reacts. STEVE Do it! TONY (over Cap’s earpiece) No, wait. STEVE Stark, these things are still coming! INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY I got a nuke coming in, it’s gonna blow in less than a minute. 204 EXT. VERRAZANO BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 204 Stark flies towards the missile, following closely behind it. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: TONY And I know just where to put it. BACK TO SCENE: Iron Man grabs hold of it he begins to redirect it toward the city. INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET: STEVE (over radio) Stark, you know that’s a one way trip. TONY Save the rest for the turn J. JARVIS Sir, shall I try Miss Potts? TONY Might as well. 124. 205 EXT. STARK INDUSTRIES PRIVATE JET - CONTINUOUS 205 A plane is slowly flying through the sky. 206 INT. STARK INDUSTRIES PRIVATE JET - CONTINUOUS 206 Pepper is watching the news with three others. REPORTER (V.O) Streets in New York City have become a battle ground. The army is here trying to contain the violence but clearly it is outmatch- Her phone starts to vibrate but she ignores it. 207 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 207 Fury and most of the other workers are watching the same report. REPORTER (V.O) ...Billionaire Tony Stark’s Iron Man- 208 EXT. STREET BELOW STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 208 SERIES OF SHOTS: A) Iron Man is flying with the missile. [B) INSIDE IRON MAN HELMET] Tony is thinking hard and hold. C)As Iron Man flies by, Thor and Cap look to the sky. D) Iron Man redirects the missile, barely missing Stark Tower, and pushes it up towards the portal. The rest of the Avengers look on. 209 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 209 Everyone on the helicarrier cheers in excitement. Fury smiles. 210 EXT. SPACE (CONTINUOUS) 210 Iron Man lets the nuke go as all the lights in his suit go out. JARVIS (cutting off) Sorry, Miss- (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 125. He watches as the missile hits the Chitauri mother ship and it explodes. CUTAWAY TO EARTH: The Chitauri warriors collapse, and the Leviathans fall from the sky. Thor and Cap look around as they do. BACK IN SPACE: Tony’s eyes close as he falls slowly toward the portal. 211 EXT. STARK TOWER ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS (DAY) 211 Natasha stands waiting. NATASHA Come on, Stark. CUTAWAY TO CAP: STEVE Close it. BACK TO SCENE: Natasha plunges the scepter into the heart of the device. Just as the portal closes, Tony falls through back to earth. The Avengers look up and see Tony reappear. ON CAP AND THOR: STEVE Son of a gun! Iron Man plummets to the ground. THOR He’s not slowing down. Thor prepares to fly at Stark and catch him when the Hulk grabs him out of the air, slides down the side of a building and crashes to the ground in front of Thor and Cap. Hulk throws Iron Man off him and Thor and Cap run over. Thor pulls off Iron Man’s face plate and Cap listens for a heartbeat, then sees the arc reactor is not glowing. Suddenly the Hulk roars and beats his chest. Tony, shocked, gasps and opens his eyes, looking around. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 126. TONY What the hell? What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me. STEVE We won. TONY Alright, Hey. Alright. Good job, guys. Let’s just not come in tomorrow. Let’s just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There’s a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don’t know what it is, but I wanna try it. THOR We’re not finished yet. TONY And then shawarma after? 212 INT. PENTHOUSE, STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 212 Loki crawls over to a stair and turns to see the Avengers surrounding him. Hawkeye has an arrow aimed at his face. Natasha is holding his scepter. Hulk growls. LOKI If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now. 213 EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK SKYLINE - EARLY EVENING 213 We slowly DOLLY OVER Central Park, PULLING TOWARD the city of New York. MALE REPORTER (V.O) Despite the dev... 214 INT. DARK ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 214 There is a montage of shots from television news. The dialogue speaking.... MALE REPORTER ...devastation of what has been confirmed as an extraterrestrial attack, the extraordinary heroics of the group known as the Avengers- (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 127. MALE CITIZEN It’s really great knowing they’re out there, you know. That someone’s watching over us. FEMALE CITIZEN I love you, Thor! HUSBAND I just don’t feel safe with those thing out there. WIFE It seems like there’s a lot they’re not telling us. STAN LEE Superheroes? In New York? Give me a break! THE SENATOR These so called heroes have to be held responsible for the destruction done to the city. This was their fight. Where are they now? 215 EXT. CENTRAL PARK - CONTINUOUS 215 The Avengers and Selvig all walk to the center of a footbridge. Tony is carrying a briefcase, Thor has Loki in a muzzle and handcuffs, Barton, Natasha, Banner, and Steve walk from cars. REPORTER (V.O) Tough questions are being asked about the Avengers themselves, their sudden appearance and equally sudden disappearance. WAITRESS (V.O) What, that this is all somehow their fault? 216 INT. DARK ROOM, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS 216 On Fury’s screen is the WAITRESS talking on CNN. WAITRESS Captain America saved my life. Wherever he is, and wherever any of them are, I would just- I would wanna say thank you. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (2) 128. On the four screens above are the coucil members. COUNCILMAN 2 Where are the Avengers? FURY I’m not currently tracking their whereabouts. I’d say they’ve earned a leave of absence. COUNCILWOMAN (O.S) And the Tesseract? CUTAWAY TO CENTRAL PARK: Selvig take a glass cylinder out of a truck. Tony opens his case, which is on the ground. Banner holds the Cube with some tongs and puts it into the glass cylinder Selvig has. Over this footage... FURY (V.O) The Tesseract is where belongs...out of our reach. BACK TO SCENE: COUNCILMAN That’s not your call. FURY I didn’t make it. I just didn’t argue with the god that did. CUT BACK TO CENTRAL PARK: Thor is smiling as he shakes hands and says goodbye to Selvig. COUNCILMAN (V.O) So you let him take it... Loki is bound and gagged in the muzzle, he is mad. As he looks upon Natasha, she whispers something into Barton’s ear that makes him smile. COUNCILMAN (V.O) and the war criminal Loki, who should be answering for his crime. FURY (V.O) Oh I think he will be. (CONTINUED) [CONTINUED] (3) 129. Thor holds the cylinder that has the Tesseract in it. He gestures it to Loki, who grabs one end of the cylinder and Thor has the other, he nods to the others and twists the device, which lights up and the two vanish into the sky as the group looks on. In front of Tony’s new car, Steve and him shake hands. COUNCILWOMAN (V.O) I don’t think you understand what you’ve started... Natasha takes a duffel bag out of the backseat of a SHIELD car. She hands it to Banner as Barton heads to the driver’s seat. COUNCILWOMAN (V.O) (CONT’D) ...letting The Avengers loose on this world. They’re dangerous. Banner and Tony get into his new car and drive off FURY (V.O) They surely are, and the whole world knows it. BACK TO DARK ROOM WITH FURY: FURY Every world knows it! COUNCILMAN Was that the point in all this? A statement. CUTAWAY TO STEVE: Steve is riding a motorcycle. He smiles. FURY (V.O) A promise. BACK TO FURY: The council signs off and Fury exits the room. MARIA HILL (V.O) Sir, how does it work now...? 130. 217 INT. BRIDGE, CARRIER - CONTINUOUS (EARLY EVENING) 217 Hill and Fury make their way across the bridge while talking. MARIA HILL ...They’ve gone their separate ways, some pretty extremely far. We get into a situation like this again, what happens then? FURY They’ll come back! The reach the air deck. MARIA HILL Really sure about that? FURY I am. Fury looks out over the helicarrier. MARIA HILL Why? FURY Because we’ll need them to. Hill nods, in respect. She turns and walks back over the bridge and takes a folder from a SHIELD agent. Fury stands proud on the air deck. 218 INT. PENTHOUSE, STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 218 Pepper and Stark are looking at plans for a new tower. THE CAMERA slowly PULLS OUT... 219 EXT. STARK TOWER - CONTINUOUS 219 The huge STARK on the side of the tower has been destroyed, save for the letter "A". CUT TO BLACK. CREDITS. 131. 220 EXT. UNKNOWN AREA OF SPACE 220 The Other kneels at the feet of another alien. THE OTHER The humans, they are not the cowering wretches we were promised. They stand. They are unruly and therefore cannot be ruled. DISEMBODIED FIGURE in a chair stands. The Other bows, like he is in pain. THE OTHER (CONT’D) To challenge them, is to court Death. DISEMBODIED FIGURE turns and smiles, revealing himself to be the mad titan himself- THANOS. CREDITS ROLL. 221 INT. SHAWARMA JOINT - DAY 221 The Avengers are sitting around a table, eating, stuffing their faces. They are silent, no one makes a peep. The workers are cleaning up this destroyed place. The place is silent. FADE BLACK. THE END.

{"title": "The Avengers"}

marvel/pdunton

BLACK PANTHER Adapted Screenplay Written by Ryan Coogler & Joe Robert Cole EXT. DEEP SPACE A dark screen is lit up by twinkling stars . SON Baba? FATHER Yes, my son? SON Tell me a story . FATHER Which one? SON The story of home . A meteorite drifts into frame , heading towards tiny Earth off in the distance. FATHER Millions of years ago , a meteorite made of vibranium, the strongest substance in the universe struck the continent of Africa affecting the plant life around it. The meteorite hits Africa and we see plant life and animals affected by vibranium. FATHER (CONT'D) And when the time of man came , five tribes settled on it and called it Wakanda. The tribes lived in constant war with each other until a warrior shaman received a vision from the Panther goddess Bast who led him to the Heart Shaped Herb, a plant that granted him super human strength , speed, and instincts . A visual representation of the five tribes emerges as hands from the sand animation, and we see them unite , and then break apart as conflict arises . Bashenga rises above the conflict and eats the Heart Shaped Herb, proceeding to unite the tribes . FATHER (CONT'D) The warrior became King and the first Black Panther , the protector of Wakanda . (MORE) FATHER (CONT'D) Four tribes agreed to live under the King's rule , but the Jabari tribe isolated themselves in the mountains . 2 . We see the Jabari striding off towards the isolated mountain region. FATHER (CONT'D) The Wakandans used vibranium to develop technology more advanced than any other nation , but as Wakanda thrived the world around it descended further into chaos . We see images of war and slavery just outside Wakanda ' s secretive border . FATHER (CONT'D) To keep vibranium safe , the Wakandans vowed to hide in plain sight, keeping the truth of their power from the outside world. We see the protective barrier rise around the Wakandan city , as we pull back on the Earth as it spins, now zooming in on another part of the world ..• SON And we still hide Baba? FATHER Yes . SON Why? EXT. LAKE MERRITT APARTMENT COMPLEX, OAKLAND - NIGHT - 1992 Towering apartment buildings loom over the horizon . Kids play pickup basketball on a milk carton hoop when mysterious lights approach from the sky. INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT/HALLWAY - NIGHT An African man , N'JOBU (30s) sorts through firearms and goes over maps with another man , JAMES (20s , African American). Live news footage of the 1992 Los Angeles Riots plays on the TV. N'JOBU Hey look , if we get in and out quick won't be any worries . You in the van come in through from the west , come around the corner, land right here. Me and the twins pulling up right here , we leavin' this car behind , ok? We corning ... 3 . Suddenly, N'Jobu hears something that we don't ... a familiar sound. N'JOBU (CONT'D) Hide the straps. James quickly moves into action, hiding the guns in the walls as N'Jobu peers out a window , then clears the maps from the table and unrolls a tapestry on the wall , hiding a bulletin board. James cocks a handgun. JAMES Is it the Feds? N'JOBU No. A KNOCK rattles the door . James walks over and looks out of a peep hole, then turns back with a confused expression . JAMES It's two Grace Jones looking chicks •.. they're holding spears . . . N'JOBU Open it. JAMES You serious? N'JOBU They won't knock again . James opens the door and TWO DORA MILAJE (members of the All Female Wakandan Special Forces) slowly enter carrying LARGE SPEARS. They eye N' Jobu. DORA MILAJE 1 (SUBTITLE) (in Xhosa) Who are you? N'JOBU Prince N'Jobu , son of Azzuri . DORA MILAJE 1 (in Xhosa) Prove to me you are one of us . 4 . N'Jobu grabs his bottom lip and flips it, revealing a vibranium threaded TATTOO glowing blue with Wakandan script. The Dora SWIFTLY SLAM their spears down in unison , making the sound of an EMP. All electronics in the room instantly DIE OUT. INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT The room is pitch black , then .. . BOOM. The Dora hit the floor with their spears again and the lights come back ON, but now YOUNG T' CHAKA (dressed in t he ceremonial garb of the Black Panther) stands before them . N'Jobu kneels at the sight of him . He swats James , urging him to do the same . N'JOBU (in Xhosa) My King . .. Young T'Chaka looks at James , who gapes in awe . YOUNG T'CHAKA Leave us . N'JOBU This is James . I trust him with my life . He stays , with your permission , King T'Chaka . Young T'Chaka looks at him for a long beat . YOUNG T' CHAKA As you wish . At ease .•. Young T' Chaka removes his mask , hands it off to the Dora and the women step out into the hall , closing the door behind them . YOUNG T' CHAKA (CONT'D) (in Xhosa) Come baby brother . (in English) Let me see how you're holding up . N'Jobu stands. T'Chaka walks over to him and they embrace. YOUNG T'CHAKA (CONT' D) You look strong . N'JOBU Glory to Bast . I am in good health. How is home? Young T'Chaka's mood darkens. YOUNG T'CHAKA Not so good , baby brother. There has been an attack. Then , Young T'Chaka activates a simple looking beaded bracelet, KIMOYO BEADS, that project a hologram image of ULYSSES KLAUE. YOUNG T'CHAKA (CONT'D) This man, Ulysses Klaue , stole a quarter ton of vibraniurn from us and triggered a bomb at the border to escape . Many lives were lost . He knew where we hid the vibranium, and how to strike . N'Jobu takes the news in . YOUNG T'CHAKA (CONT'D) He had someone on the inside. 5 . Young T'Chaka waits for N' Jobu to come clean of the crime . He doesn't . N'JOBU Why are you here? YOUNG T'CHAKA Because I want you look me in the eyes and tell me why you betrayed Wakanda . N' JOBU I did no such thing . Young T'Chaka snaps a look to James . YOUNG T' CHAKA (SUBTITLE) (in Xhosa) Tell him who you are. JAMES Zuri, Son of Badu . N'JOBU What? 6 . N'Jobu's face goes ashen as James is revealed to be YOUNG ZURI, a Wakandan spy . Zuri reveals his vibranium lip tattoo . N'Jobu grabs him . N'JOBU (CONT'D) James, James you lied to me? I invite you into my home and you were Wakandan this whole time? JAMES (ZURI) You betrayed Wakanda! N'JOBU How could you lie to me like - YOUNG T'CHAKA Stand down. Did you think that you were the only spy we sent here? Zuri walks to the wall and removes a duffle bag containing VIBRANIUM CANISTERS, glowing blue . He shows one to Young T'Chaka . YOUNG T'CHAKA (CONT'D) Prince N'Jobu, you will return home at once, where you will face the council and inform them of your crimes . EXT. LAKE MERRITT, OAKLAND - NIGHT A kid catches the basketball, gazing up as an AIRCRAFT WITH STRANGE LIGHTS rises into the sky and speeds off . The ball drops. INT. COMMAND CABIN, ROYAL TALON FIGHTER - NIGHT - PRESENT DAY T'Challa, dressed in his Black Panther armor, sits at the console in the back of the ROYAL TALON FIGHTER. A BBC news report plays on the screen . BBC ANCHOR The tiny nation of Wakanda is mourning the death of its monarch , King T'Chaka. The beloved ruler was one of many confirmed dead after a terrorist attack at the United Nations a week ago . The Suspect has since been apprehended . (MORE) BBC ANCHOR (CONT'D) Though it remains one of the poorest countries in the world, fortified by mountain ranges and an impenetrable rain forest, Wakanda does not engage in international trade or accept aid . The succession of the throne is expected to fall to the oldest of the King's two children , Prince T'Challa . 7. Piloting the craft while seated in lotus position is OKOYE (30s , Head of the Dora Milaje.) OKOYE My Prince , coming up on them now. EXT. NIGHT SKY, CHIBOCK - NIGHT An overhead view of a SIX CAR MILITARY CONVOY, moving like a sinister serpent through the surrounding wilderness. We pull back into the sky revealing the tip of a futuristic looking aircraft. This is the ROYAL TALON FIGHTER (RTF) . INT. COMMAND CABIN, ROYAL TALON FIGHTER - NIGHT T'Challa stands, and moves to a sand model of the convoy down below . Okoye gets up out of her chair and grabs her SPEAR off the wall. She moves towards the back of the craft . T'CHALLA No need, Okoye. I can handle this alone . Okoye pauses, then returns her spear to the wall . T'Challa closes the model and steps to a marked circle in the floor. T'CHALLA (CONT' D) I will get Nakia out as quickly as possible . Okoye places six KIMOYO BEADS into T'Challa's gloved hands . OKOYE Just don't freeze when you see her . T'CHALLA What are you talking about? I never freeze. 8 . T'Challa slips on his helmet , revealing himself to be Black Panther and folds his arms over his chest . Okoye opens her closed fist , dropping Panther out of the aircraft. EXT. NIGHT SKY, CHIBOCK - NIGHT Panther hurdles through the clouds and throws the spheres toward the cars below. The spheres CHANGE SHAPE into edged discs that we follow through the air as they zip toward . . . EXT. DIRT ROAD, CHIBOCK - NIGHT WHAM . The discs mount themselves to hoods of ALL THE VEHICLES, sending a sonic ripple through them , stopping the convoy in its tracks . I/E . MILITANT LEADER'S PICKUP, DIRT ROAD, CHIBOCK - NIGHT The MILITANT LEADER riding shotgun watches as The DRIVER looks around, confused. He tries turning the key to start the truck up again -- nothing . The Militant Leader grabs his AK-47 and climbs out to the front of the truck, he spots the disk mounted to it, and tries pulling it off to no avail . He raises his fist . MILITANT LEADER Defense position ! The militant leader slips down a Night Vision MONOCULAR as the other MILITANTS echo the call and begin to fall in line . INT. CARGO TRUCK, CHIBOCK - NIGHT Packed closely together , SEVERAL NIGERIAN WOMEN dressed in hijab sit, waiting. A CARGO TRUCK MILITANT sits amongst the women, RIFLE in hand, next to a YOUNG MILITANT, a child soldier no older than twelve. We find a WOMAN sitting in the back corner , her eyes observing the militants intensely. This is NAKIA (30's, a Wakandan spy) . The CARGO TRUCK MILITANT stands up and cocks his rifle . CARGO TRUCK MILITANT No games . 9 . He and the Young Militant exit the vehicle as Nakia watches closely. EXT. ROAD, CHIBOCK - NIGHT The pickup's driver climbs out , cocking a submachine gun and looks into the forest in the wrong direction . Slowly approaching , the militant leader points to SHIFTING FOLIAGE in the direction of Panther. The militants nod and the militant leader covers them while they go off into the grass. The militants move slowly following every sound . They point their guns at the base of a TREE, but it ' s just a stray DOG. The gunmen approach the tree, eyeing around , then look up to find PANTHER stalking his prey from the tree tops. I/E. MILITANT LEADER'S PICKUP, DIRT ROAD, CHIBOCK - NIGHT MILITANT LEADER (into radio) What do you see? I/E . CARGO TRUCK, CHIBOCK - NIGHT Nakia climbs out of the truck while the other captive women look on. EXT. MILITANT LEADER'S PICKUP, DIRT ROAD, CHIBOCK - NIGHT ON MILITANT LEADER MILITANT LEADER (into radio) Come in! Come in ! FROM THE ROAD We hear a faint struggle, then a MILITANT'S BODY is hurled into the side of the pickup truck as the other militants look on in horror ! The . SO CAL GUNNER and all of the other men in the convoy BLINDLY OPEN FIRE into the trees . 10 . Then PANTHER emerges from behind them, flipping into the truck bed and SLASHING clean through the base of the .SO CAL, then taking the gunner out with a single blow . I/E. CARGO TRUCK, CHIBOCK - NIGHT Slipping behind a MILITANT, Nakia picks up the man's RIFLE and quickly disassembles it as another MILITANT approaches and using the BARREL like a combat stick, puts him on his back , out cold. She leaps onto a second militant, easily taking him down and striking him in the throat. EXT. DIRT CLEARING, CHIBOCK - NIGHT The four men don't see Panther coming and executing a BARRAGE OF PUNCHES AND KICKS, Panther viciously dispatches them. He spots the Young Militant firing at him then SLASHES through a car door, and THROWS THE DOOR at a Militant behind him- taking him out. ON PANTHER In a moment of desperation , the Young Militant rushes out , firing at Panther to no effect. Then , as Panther walks towards him, Nakia dives out , kicking the young militant's gun from his hand and grabs him in a neck-lock. Swinging around , Nakia kicks Panther in the chest, stopping his momentum. Caught off guard, Panther freezes . NAKIA This one is just a boy . .. he got kidnapped as well. Nakia pulls the wrap from the young militant's face , exposing his pre-teen expression. She removes her own hijab as well. Panther stares at her- for a beat too long ... T'CHALLA Nakia . . . I . . . I wanted to ... NIGERIAN MILITANT #2 (O.S.) Hey! 1 ! Panther and Nakia turn to find NIGERIAN MILITANT #2 holding a CAPTIVE WOMAN at gunpoint. NIGERIAN MILITANT #2 (CONT' D) I have her ! Don't move, I will shoot ! I will shoot her right now! 11. Behind the militant , an UNSEEN FIGURE creeps out of the bush . The figure stands , revealing herself to be OKOYE. The militant ' s rifle is SUDDENLY CUT IN HALF by Okoye who finishes him with another swipe of her spear . OKOYE You froze . T'Challa removes his helmet , facing Nakia. NAKIA Why are you here? Eesh, you ruined my mission ! T'CHALLA My father is dead , Nakia. The news devastates her . T'CHALLA (CONT' D) I will be cro wned King tomorrow , and I wish for you to be there . Nakia looks at T'Challa deeply . Then turns , catching eyes with one of the NIGERIAN CAPTIVES as Okoye brings them from aro und the truck . NAKIA Carry yourselves home now, and take the boy . Get him to his people . The Nigerian Woman nods . NIGERIAN WOMAN Thank you . OKOYE You will speak nothing of this day . T'Challa loo ks at the Young Militant for a beat before he , Nakia and Okoye disappear through the trees . The Nigerian Women and the Young Militant look up at the sky as the RTF takes off . 12 . EXT. WAKANDAN MOUNTAIN BORDER - BREAKING DAWN The RTF comes out of stealth mode and becomes visible as it glides over a mountain range . INT. ROYAL TALON FIGHTER - BREAKING DAWN T'Challa and Nakia sit close , silently . Nakia reaches out and touches his hand. He looks at her and smiles . OKOYE Sister Nakia ... My Prince. We are home. Nakia approaches the front of the craft with T' Challa. They loo k out . I/E . ROYAL TALON FIGHTER - BREAKING DAWN Several BORDER TRIBE SHEPHERDS look over their flocks of sheep and cattle . As the RTF's shadow passes over the STRAW THATCHED HUTS, SEVERAL CHILDREN run out into the pastures , smiling and waving at the Prince . TWO BORDER TRIBE KIDS (one boy, one girl) on horseback overtake them . Their horses hurdle ahead at a breakneck pace. The horse riders pump their fists in the air as the RTF soars over a second mountain range . T'CHALLA This never gets old . I/E . RTF - BREAKING DAWN Nakia , T'Challa and Okoye regard a BEAUTIFUL RAINFOREST that expands for as far as the eye can see . Okoye dives the pl ane seemingly right into THE TREES . . . when at the last moment it passes through , revealing the forest is a massive hologram and below .. . EXT. THE GOLDEN CITY, CAPITAL OF WAKANDA - BREAKING DAWN A sprawling metropolis with elaborate veins of public transportation running through it at ground level and high arching skyscrapers . 13. The RTF heads for the ROYAL PALACE, a magnificent building at the center of the city and touches down on the landing pad. EXT. LANDING PAD, ROYAL PALACE/INT. RTF - BREAKING DAWN RAMONDA (S0s, Queen Mother of Wakanda), and SHUR! (18 , Princess of Wakanda) stand on the pad flanked by AYO. Okoye , Nakia and T'Challa exit the RTF and Nakia bows her head . NAKIA Queen Mother . . . Princess . My comfort for your loss. RAMONDA Thank you , Nakia. It is so good to have you back with us . Nakia nods. OKOYE (to Ayo) Take her to the River Province to prepare her for the ceremony . AYO Yes, general . Ayo nods and walks off with Nakia while Shuri watches closely . SHUR! Did he freeze? OKOYE Like an antelope in headlights. Shuri laughs at this . T' CHALLA Are you finished? Okoye slams her spear into the ground , signaling the rest of the Dora to follow her off . T'Challa turns to Shuri . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) So surprised my little sister came to see me off before our big day . SHUR! You wish . I'm here for the EMP beads, I've developed an update. T'CHALLA Update? No, it worked perfectly . SHUR! How many times to I have to teach you, just because something works , doesn't mean that it cannot be improved . T' CHALLA (teasing) You are teaching me, what do you know? 14. Shuri holds out her hand and T'Challa drops the beads into her hand . Shuri heads off . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) I cannot wait to see what kind of update you make to your ceremonial outfit. Shuri flips him off . RAMONDA Shuri! T'Challa smiles at this . SHUR! Sorry mother . Ramonda turns to T'Challa . T'CHALLA How are you feeling today, mama? RAMONDA Proud ... your father and I would talk about this day all the time . He is with us , and it is your time to be King . EXT. BRITISH MUSEUM, LONDON, UK - MORNING Museum employees congregate outside as tourists and school groups move toward the main entrance . 15. INT. WEST AFRICAN EXHIBIT - MOMENTS LATER We see a black man in high-end street wear , around 30 years old . A RING hangs on a gold chain around his neck . This is ERIK KILLMONGER . Killmonger stands dangerously close to the glass containing SEVERAL WEST AFRICAN ARTIFACTS. They range from what looks like iron gardening tools to masks and short range weapons. Flanking the room are TWO SECURITY GUARDS, slight l y unnerved by his presence . We follow the MUSEUM DIRECTOR, a British woman (mid-40's) as she enters and walks up behind Killmonger as he studies t he war masks . MUSEUM DIRECTOR Good morning ! How can I help you? KILLMONGER I was just checking out these artifacts . They tell me you're the expert . MUSEUM DIRECTOR You could say that. KILLMON GER They're beautiful . Killmonger points at one of the masks . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Where's this one from? MUSEUM DIRECTOR From the Bobo Ashanti Tribe , prese nt day Ghana . 19th Century . KILLMON GER For real? What about this one? MUSEUM DIRECTOR That one's from the Edo people of Benin . 16th Century . KILLMONGER Now, tell me about this one . Killmonger points to a MINING TOOL off to the side. MUSEUM DIRECTOR Also from Benin . 7th Century. Fula tribe I believe . KILLMONGER Nah. MUSEUM DIRECTOR (amused) I beg your pardon? KILLMONGER It was taken by British soldiers in Benin but it's from Wakanda and it's made out of vibranium . Don't trip, I'mma take it off your hands for you. She looks at Killmonger like he's crazy . MUSEUM DIRECTOR These items aren't for sale. KILLMONGER How do you think your ancestors got these? You think they paid a fair price? Or did they take it like they took everything else . MUSEUM DIRECTOR Sir , I'm going to have to ask you to leave . 16. The Museum Director subtly looks back at the security guards , then makes a face and touches her stomach -- indigestion . Killmonger smiles and leans over, whispering in her ear . KILLMONGER You got all this security watching me ever since I walked in. But , you ain't checking for what you put in your body . The museum director looks at Killmonger in terror as a security guard walks up behind him . SECURITY GUARD Alright, mate. Let's have it . Come on , mate. KILLMON GER I think she might not be feelin' too good . 17. The Museum Director suddenly slumps to the floor, clutching her stomach . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Hey! Hey somebody get some help ! Come here! Call a doctor, please! Hey please, somebody come help ! The security guards quickly rush to the museum director's aid . SECURITY GUARD (into radio) Medical Emergency right away in the West African Exhibit please . Right away ! Killmonger stands back and looks toward the door. I NT. CAFE, BRITISH MUSEUM - MORNING LINDA, A young black barista , looks on as TWO EMTs push a STRETCHER through the entrance . They head towards the West African Exhibit . LINDA I'm gonna take a break. Preoccupied with the commotion, her co-worker nods and Linda walks out . INT. WEST AFRICAN EXHIBIT, BRITISH MUSEUM - MOMENTS LATER The EMTs rush in, revealing the face of the lead paramedic ... IT'S ULYSSES KLAUE (Afrikaans , S0s . ) Another EMT, LIMBANI, mans the door . KLAUE Let's give the lady some space please . LIMBANI Step back please, gents , step back please . Museum-goers quickly bee l ine for the exit as Klaue approaches the guards. 18 . Uneasy, the security guards follow Klaue's instructions only to have KLAUE AND LIMBANI draw silenced pistols and rapidly shoot two of the three dead . Klaue looks at the one remaining. KLAUE Hey come here. Come here! It ' s ok. You can go , but just don't tell anyone , alright? The SECURITY GUARD looks back at him unsure, then takes off . Klaue then aims and shoots the Security Guard in the back . Killmonger looks on at him confused . KILLMONGER Bro, why you 'aint just shoot him right here? KLAUE Because it's better to leave the crime scene more spread out . . . makes us look like amateurs . The LENS on a surveillance camera at the corner of the room looks on. INT. SECURITY DESK, BRITISH MUSEUM - MORNING MONITORS with feeds from the West African Exhibit show a looped video of patrons enjoying the displays as . . . EXT. BRITISH MUSEUM, LONDON, UK - MORNING Just outside the entrance , Linda exits , wearing plain clothes . She eyes her cellphone SCREEN where th e same video plays . The sour ce of the loop . INT. WEST AFRICAN EXHIBIT - MORNING Klaue looks down at the slumped bodies of the guards. Turns to Killmonger. KLAUE Now ... let's see if you know what you're talking about .. . Klaue removes his glove to reveal a BIONIC PROSTHETIC hand . 19 . Klaue walks up to the PROTECTIVE GLASS surrounding a smaller case containing the mining tool and places his hand on it . An invisible charge SHATTERS the glass. KLAUE (CONT' D) That's just a taste . Klaue picks up the MINING HAMMER , studying it . The tool doesn't look like anything special . Klaue ' s hand SIZZLES BLUE and centuries of MUCK and GRUNGE drop off the hammer revealing that it's pure vibraniurn . Klaue smells it , and smiles. KLAUE (CONT'D) Whoo ..• You 'r e gonna be rich , boy . KILLMON GER You better sel l that quick . KLAUE Oh it's already sold . Klaue waves Lirnbani over with the stretcher to load the hammer inside . He BREAKS the WOODEN HANDLE off the tool , taking only the vibranium head . KILLMONGER Whatever you try , the Wakandans ' ll probably show up . KLAUE That ' ll make my day . I can kill two birds with one stone . Lirnbani approaches Killmonger who eyes a third MASK, expertly crafted and slightly haunting . He slides th e mask inside the stretcher also. KLAUE (CONT'D) You're not tel l ing me that's vibranium too , eh? KILLMONGER Nah , I'm just feeling it . Killmonger lays atop the gurney and Limbani places an oxygen mask over his face . INT. FOYER, BRITISH MUSEUM - MORNING The fake EMT's wheel the stretcher out of the exhibit toward the entrance . 20. EXT. BRITISH MUSEUM, LONDON, UK - MOMENTS LATER Klaue and Limbani load the gurney onto an AMBULANCE and climb in. Killmonger moves towards the front of the truck and gives Linda a kiss before she hits the SIREN and speeds off . EXT. WAKANDAN RIVER - DAY Several incredible BARGES transport congregations from FOUR WAKANDAN TRI BES, ELDERS and their TRIBAL WARRIORS in traditional garb , others in modern Wakandan attire , the DORA MILAJE and KINGSGUARD wi th spears and shields down river. EXT. DORA MILAJE BARGE, WAKANDAN RIVER - DAY Okoye stands wi th her second in command, AYO, flanked by a legion of Kingsguard and Dora. EXT. ROYAL BARGE, WAKANDAN RIVER - DAY Ramonda and Shuri dance . EXT. RIVER TRIBE BARGE, WAKANDAN RIVER - DAY Nakia dances among her tribal leaders. EXT. DORA MILAJE BARGE, WAKANDAN RIVER - DAY The Dora slam their spears in unison , sonically triggering the massive drains at the top of the waterfall and we PULL BACK to reveal natural seating built into the rocks below. EXT. WAKANDAN FALLS - DAY THE ROYAL TALON FIGHTER flies up to the pool's edge and T'CHALLA steps off the aircraft , holding a short spear and shield and covered in leopard body paint. The crowd chants . ELDERS, WARRIORS, DORA Ngu T'Challa Lo. CROWD Ngu T'Challa Lo . T'Challa bows at Zuri's feet as the RTF lifts away . 21. EXT. SEATING AREA, WARRIOR FALLS Thousands of Wakandans stand according to tribe , overlooking a challenge [pool ] the Border Tribe, the Mining Tribe , the Merchant Tribe and the River Tribe. FIVE KINGSGUARD DRUMMERS set up near the challenge pool. Ramonda stands at the edge of the pool with Shuri . Nakia is with the River Tribe, W'KABI (the leader of the Border Tribe Army) with the Border Tribe and Okoye with Ayo and the Dora Milaje . EXT. CHALLENGE POOL, WARRIOR FALLS - DAY In the water, ZURI (Now Wakanda's High Shaman) , holding the massive SPEAR OF BASHENGA, addresses the arena. ZURI I, Zuri , Son of Badu , give to you, Prince T'Challa , the Black Panther! The Elders watch as Zuri holds up A CEREMONIAL VESSEL containing a mysterious concoction . ZURI (CONT'D) The Prince will now have the strength of the Black Panther stripped away . Zuri pours the solution into T'Challa's mouth . T'Challa reacts violently, choking on the red fluid. T'Challa spasms, his veins expanding and his muscles contracting as the poison spreads through him . But soon, he stops shaking and exhales easy . Zuri turns to the audience . ZURI (CONT'D) Damaku . .. CROWD Damaku . . . ZURI Victory in ritual combat comes by yield or death . If any tribe wishes to put forth a warrior, I now offer a path to the throne . The Merchant Tribe Warrior calls out . MERCHANT TRIBE ELDER The Merchant Tribe will NOT challenge today. W'KABI, the head of the Border Tribe calls out. BORDER TRIBE ELDER The Border tribe will NOT challenge today. Nakia calls out , representing the River Tribe . RIVER TRIBE ELDER The River Tribe will NOT challenge today . The Mining Tribe Warrior calls out . ON SHUR! MINING TRIBE ELDER The Mining Tribe will NOT challenge today. ZURI Is there any member of royal blood who wishes to challenge for the throne? As she raises her hand, and a collective gasp is heard amongst the entire gathering . SHUR! This corset is really uncomfortable. So could we all just wrap it up and go home? Ramonda pinches her, as the ELDERS groan, and the YOUNG WAKANDANS can be heard laughing . BACK IN THE POOL T'Challa smiles and shakes his head . The sound of WOODEN DRUMS and loud chanting suddenly interrupts . 22. Everyone looks to the mouth of the main CAVE where SIX JABARI WARRIORS and TWO JABARI DRUMMERS file out. Adorned in elaborate wooden armor, the warriors hold large wooden spears that look like javelins . The Kingsguard coil tightly as stunning the CROWD, the Jabari's imposing leader, M'BAKU, emerges last . ON THE AUDIENCE Where W'Kabi and Nakia unsheathe their weapons and Okoye readies the Dora Milaje . ON SHURI AND RAMONDA Shuri turns to her mother . SHURI (CONT'D) Are they Jabari? RAMONDA Yes . BACK IN THE POOL Zuri confronts M'Baku. ZURI M'Baku . What are you doing here?! M'BAKU It's challenge day . M'BAKU (CONT'D) We have watched and listened from the mountains . We have watched with disgust , as your technological advancements have been overseen by a child who scoffs at tradition . 23 . M'Baku points his spear at Shuri, who's eyes grow large . AYO steps in front of her . M'BAKU (CONT'D) And now ... you want to hand the nation over to this prince .. . (he steps nose to nose with T'Challa) Who could not even keep his own father safe . Hmm? We will not have it . I said we will not have it ! (beat) I , M'Baku, leader of the Jabari wish to T'CHALLA (interrupting) I accept your challenge, M'Baku . M'BAKU Glory to Hanuman . 24. Zuri puts the Panther mask on T'Challa . M'Baku grins and places a WOODEN GORILLA MASK over his face . He clenches his fist and calls out for his Jabari soldiers to form a semicircle behind him , pointing their spears at his back. T'Challa lifts his hand and calls out for the Dora, who fall into place behind him, making a perfect CIRCLE OF SPEARS surrounding the fighters. Zuri raises his hand, ill-at-ease . ZURI Let the challenge begin! The warriors CLASH, both with great skill . M'Baku with superior strength. T'Challa eludes a salvo of swings, then is driven back by the tip of M'Baku's spear against his shield. Knocking M'Baku's spear free, T'Challa is HAMMERED ONTO HIS BACK but instantly springs up to dodge more attacks and counter with TWO FIERCE KICKS. M'Baku spits blood and bangs his chest. The rest of the Jabari warriors RESPOND. T'Challa salutes the crowd and they respond LOUDER! M'Baku charges at T'Challa , knuckle-walking , and slipping his assault , T'Challa grabs M'Baku's spear and cartwheels over it to land another KICK. The two continue to battle, BLOCKING and TRADING BLUNT STRIKES, until M'Baku delivers a backhand that KNOCKS T'CHALLA OFF HIS FEET near the Dora's spears. With the deadly spears at his back, T'Challa blocks COLOSSAL OVERHEAD BLOWS with his shield, then M' Baku leans with all his strength trying to impale T'Challa on the TIPS. Clubbing M'Baku to his heels , T'Challa rushes forward for an aerial attack only to be met by a VICIOUS KICK to the chest , causing him to LOSE both his shield and spear! M'BAKU Where is your God, now?! Defenseless, T'Challa DODGES SPEAR-SWIPES before M'Baku corrals him into a BEAR HUG and delivers a CRUSHING HEADBUTT. M'Baku LAUGHS through his mask . M'BAKU (CONT' D) No powers . No claws . No specia l suit, oh ! Just a boy, not fit to lead . EXT. SEATING AREA, WARRIOR FALLS - DAY From T'Challa's POV we see Ramonda cheering from the sidelines. RAMONDA Show him who you are ! EXT. CHALLENGE POOL, WARRIOR FALLS - DAY 25 . T'Challa finds strength in RAMONDA'S VOICE. He shakes off the headbutt, stunning M'Baku with a SAVAGE ELBOW to free himself. M' Baku retaliates, GORING T'Challa's shoulder. ON SHUR! T'CHALLA I AM PRINCE T'CHALLA SON OF King T'CHAKA! l SHUR! You can do this T'Challa ! BACK IN THE CHALLENGE POOL T'Challa wedges M'Baku ' s spear UNDER HIS FOOT and PULLS M'Baku to the pool , FLIPPING his body into a SERIES OF LEG CHOKES. M'Baku FIGHTS, but can't escape . T'CHALLA Yield! Don't make me kill you . M'BAKU I would rather die ! T'Challa TIGHTENS HIS GRIP and M'Baku begins to fade . T'CHALLA What would the proud Jabari do without you? T'Challa tightens further. T'CHALLA (CONT' D) You have fought with honor , now yield! Your people need you . M'Baku looks up at the Jabari warriors . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Yield, man ! M' Baku grudgingly reaches out and TAPS. 26 . T'Cha l la lets him go and is barely ab l e to stand hi mself as Zuri steps forward . The crowd ERUPTS as struggling to catch his breath , T'Challa proud l y lifts his ar m. ZURI I now present to you , King T'Challa the Black Panther !! T'CHALLA Zuri . ZURI My King . Drums begin to play and people start to dance . T'Challa and Nakia stare into each other's eyes amidst the celebration as .•. T'CHALLA Wakanda forever !! The arena ECHOES THE PHRASE emphatically . EXT. CITY OF THE DEAD - DUSK We move in on the Hal l of Kings. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - DUSK zuri , wearing ceremonial face paint , mixes a Heart Shaped Herb concoction and pours it into T'Challa's mouth as he lies in a dirt plot in the middle of the room . ZURI Allow the Heart Shaped Herb to restore the powers of the Black Panther and take you to the Ancestral Plane . T'Challa closes his eyes . ZURI (CONT'D) T'Chaka , we call on you. Corne here to your son . INT . HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - FLASHBACK We see YOUNG T'CHALLA and YOUNG T'CHAKA smiling at each other. INT. UNITED NATIONS BUILDING - FLASHBACK 27 . We see images of T'Challa and T'Chaka from CA:CW. Father puts a hand to his son ' s face lovingly. INT . HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - DUSK T'Challa, eyes closed, struggles with the memories as he slips into the Ancestral Plane . ZURI Darnaku. The children begin burying T'Challa in the red sand . INT . UNITED NATIONS BUILDING - FLASHBACK The explosion from CA:CW kills T'Chaka , and we see T'Challa crawling towards him, then cradling him in his arms . EXT. UNITED NATIONS - FLASHBACK T'Challa puts on his father's ring. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - DUSK zuri is the last thing T'Challa sees as his face is buried. EXT. BLACK PANTHER ANCESTRAL PLANE - UNKNOWN T'Challa comes out of the dirt . There are stars above . He's in a VAST GRASSLAND somewhere in Wakanda with wondrous acacia trees . It's surreal and beautiful. 28 . A massive ACACIA TREE stands in front of him . T'Challa sees several YELLOW EYES looking at him and realizes PANTHERS are resting on the branches of the tree . T'Challa approaches. A large panther jumps down, then stands on two feet to reveal it's T'CHAKA. T'Challa lo oks at his father and immediately pulls him into a hug. T'CHALLA Baba! T'CHAKA (in Xhosa) My son. T'Challa kneels down before his father , overcome with grief. T'CHALLA I am sorry . T'CHAKA Stand up! You are a King. T'Challa rises, and they begin to walk. T'CHAKA (CONT'D) (in Xhosa) What is wrong my son? T'CHALLA (in Xhosa) I am not ready, Baba. T'CHAKA (in Xhosa) Have you not prepared to be King your whole life? Have you not trained and studied, been by my side? T'CHALLA That is not what I am talking about . I am not ready to be without you. T'CHAKA A man who has not prepared his children for his own death has failed as a father. (beat) Have I ever failed you? T'CHALLA Never . (beat) Tell me how to best protect Wakanda. I want to be a great King, Baba . Just like you . T'CHAKA You're going to struggle. So you need to surround yourself with people you trust . You're a good man with a good heart . And it's hard for a good man to be King . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - DUSK T'Challa is aggressively pulled from the dirt by Zuri. ZURI Breathe , T'Challa. Breathe ! 29 . T'Challa breathes in deeply , coughing up dirt . His battle wounds have healed. T'CHALLA He was there ! He was there . My father. EXT. STEP TOWN, GOLDEN CITY - DAY A bustling futuristic metropolis. T' Challa and Nakia stroll side by side . FOUR DORA MILAJE shadow them from a distance. T'CHALLA Corne home, Nakia . NAKIA I'm right here . T'CHALLA Stay. NAKIA I came to support you , and to honor your father. But I can't stay. It's just ... ! found my calling out there . I've seen too many in need just to turn a blind eye . I can't be happy here knowing that there's people out there who have nothing . T'Challa thinks on this . T'CHALLA What would you have Wakanda do about it? Nakia thinks for a bit . NAKIA Share what we have. We could provide aid and access to technology and refuge to those who need it ... other countries do it, we do it better. T' CHALLA We are not like these other countries, Nakia. If the world found out what we truly are, and what we possess -- we could lose our way of life. NAKIA Wakanda is strong enough to help others and protect ourselves at the same time . Nakia gives T'Challa a look . T'CHALLA If you were not so stubborn you would make such a great queen. NAKIA I would make a great queen because I am so stubborn . T' CHALLA Ah! So you admit it ! NAKIA . .• if that's what I wanted ! EXT. WAKANDAN BORDER REGION - DAY 30 . We TRACK PAST several Border Tribesmen in a field, feeding and watering their pet HORSES and GOATS. Finally we come upon . . . W'Kabi feeding M20, his MASSIVE PET RHINO by hand . T'Challa stands beside him . T'CHALLA Is that him? Glory to Bast, man, is he still growing? W'Kabi laughs . W'KABI Of course. W'KABI (CONT'D) I see Nakia is back ... you guys going to work it out? T'Challa shakes his head and crosses in front of W'Kabi . W'KABI (CONT'D) T'Challa, what's wrong? T'CHALLA Nakia thinks we should be doing more . W'KABI More like what? T'CHALLA Foreign aid ... refugee programs. W'Kabi shakes his head. W'KABI You let refugees in , they bring their problems with them. And then Wakanda is like everywhere else. T'Challa thinks on this. W'KABI (CONT'D) Now, if you said you wanted me and my men to go out there and clean up the world , then I'd be all for it. T'CHALLA But waging war on other countries has never been our way . Then , both of their Kimoyo beads buzz. T' CHALLA (CONT'D) You too, huh? W'KABI Bast, are we in trouble? Their beads combine to project a display of Okoye . 31. OKOYE (DISPLAY) My King . My love. You will never guess who just popped up on our radar. INT. TRIBAL COUNCIL ROOM - DAY 32 . An ornate chamber overlooking the Golden City . At the top of a golden pyramid, T' Challa , W'Kabi, Ramonda and ELDERS from each tribe except the Jabari sit in a circle as Okoye briefs them . W'Kabi and Ramonda flank T'Challa's throne . OKOYE A misidentified Wakandan artifact was stolen yesterday from a British museum. We have learned Ulysses Klaue plans to sell the vibraniurn to an American buyer in South Korea tomorrow night . There are audible murmurs at the name of Ulysses Klaue . T'CHALLA Klaue has escaped our pursuits for almost 30 years. Not capturing him was perhaps my father's greatest regret . I wish to bring Klaue back here to stand trial . MERCHANT TRIBE ELDER Wakanda does not need a warrior right now. We need a King . W'KABI My parents were killed when he attacked . Not a day goes by when I do not think about what Klaue took from us, from me. OKOYE It's too great an opportunity to pass. W'KABI Take me with you . We'll take him down together side by side, eh? T'CHALLA I need you here protecting the border. W'KABI Then I ask, you kill him where he stands , or you bring him back to us . T'CHALLA You have my word I will bring him back. (beat) We will proceed with the mission . Ramonda looks on , irresolute . EXT/INT. MT. BASHENGA, TOP OF THE HILL - DAY 33 . The Great Mound . Where a meteorite hit, creating a cliff-face on one side and a large hill on the other. A DRAGONFLYER lands outside the WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP. INT. WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP, HALLWAY, MT. BASHENGA - DAY T'Challa walks with four Dora , including Ayo. The Dora stop outside Shuri's Lab . As T'Challa pushes inside , Shuri approaches and bows her head. SHUR! (mocking) My, King . T'CHALLA Stop it. Stop it. Shuri laughs and they do a special handshake before walking down the spiral walkway into her sprawling, futuristic lab. INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP - MOMENTS LATER Nexus of technology . Shuri strolls with T'Challa by work tables of high-tech weapons and gadgets. SHUR! I've already sent a car ahead to Busan for you . (beat) Who are you taking with you to Korea? T'CHALLA Okoye. And Nakia as well. Shuri makes a face at Nakia . SHURI You sure it's a good idea to take your ex on a mission? T'CHALLA Yes . We'll be fine . (beat) Besides , you will be on call , should we need backup. Shuri smiles at this and points out smal l communications devices . SHURI I have great things to show you , brother . Here are your communication devices for Korea . Unlimited range , also equipped with audio surveillance system . 34 . She walks him over to another table with WDG disks on them . SHURI (CONT'D) Check these out . Remote access Kimoyo beads. Updated to interface directly with my sand table . Curious , T'Chal l a notices a pair of SLEEK SHOES. T'CHALLA And what are these? SHURI The real question is what are those? Why do you have your toes out in my lab? Shuri points at T'Challa's traditional sandals . T'Challa smiles . T'CHALLA What , you don't like my royal sandals? I wanted to go old school for my first day . SHURI (rolls her eyes) Yea I bet the elders loved that . Try them on . T'Challa puts his feet into the shoes , and they lace up instantly , forming a perfect fit. SHURI (CONT'D) Fully automated , like the old American movie Baba used to watch. And I made them completely sound absorbent . T'Challa stomps his foot down without a sound. T'CHALLA Interesting •.• SHURI Guess what I ca l l them . T'Challa thinks on this . SHURI (CONT'D) Sneakers ... T'Challa looks at her blankly . SHURI (CONT'D) Because you .. . never mind. Shuri walks T'Challa over to two mannequins . One wears T'Challa's CURRENT SUIT. The other , just a panther tooth NECKLACE. SHURI (CONT'D) If you're going to take on Klaue you'll need the best the Design Group has to offer . Shuri points at T'Challa's current suit . SHURI (CONT'D) Exhibit A. Old tech . T'CHALLA Old ... ? Functional, but old . Eh , people are shooting at me .. . wait let me put on my helmet . . . T'Challa smiles, amused . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Enough .. . 35 . SHUR! (pointing to the necklace) Now look at these . 36. T'Challa spots a GAUDIER GOLD TOOTH NECKLACE. She notices . SHUR! (CONT'D) Do you like that one? T'CHALLA Tempting . But the idea is to not be noticed . This one . Shuri uses her Kimoyo beads to sync the suit to T'Challa. SHUR! (pointing at the necklace) Now tell it to go on. T'Challa does, and without warning, MILLIONS of vibranium laced NANITES spill from the necklace and form a new BLACK PANTHER SUIT around the mannequin. SHUR! (CONT'D) Oooh! ! The entire suit sits within the teeth of the necklace . Strike it . T'CHALLA Anywhere? SHUR! Mhm. T'Challa turns to the mannequin in a relaxed fighting stance . Shuri nods and T' Challa SPIN KICKS the shit out of the mannequin! SHUR! (CONT'D) Not that hard, genius! T'CHALLA You told me to strike it, you didn't say how hard . Shuri picks the mannequin back up and drags it over to the same spot . SHUR! I invite you to my lab, and you just kick things around . T'CHALLA Well maybe you should make it a little stronger , eh? 37 . Shuri shrugs as we see Wakandan Script built into the suit GLOWING INDIGO where the impact of T'Challa's foot landed. T'Challa looks closely at the glowing script . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Wait a minute . SHURI The nanites absorb the kinetic energy and hold it in place for redistribu t ion . T'CHALLA Very nice. SHURI Now strike it again , in the same spot . T'Challa backs up for a kick. Shuri presses record on her Kimoyo . T'Challa sees this and looks at her suspiciously . T'CHALLA You are recording? SHUR! For research purposes . .. T'Challa loads up then BOOM! He kicks the indigo spot and goes flying back across the room , CRASHING INTO A TABLE full of Shuri's gadgets . Shuri cracks up. T'CHALLA Delete that footage ... EXT. BUSAN CITY SKYLINE - NIGHT We move over the beautiful sky l ine . EXT. JAGALCHI FISH MARKET - NIGHT A LEXUS SEDAN drives through the market and pulls into a parking stall next to several expensive looking lu xury cars . T' Challa , Okoye and Nakia climb out of the sedan dressed to kill . A WIG covers Okoye's tattooed head . NA.KIA This way . OKOYE Bast willing this goes quickly , and I can get this ridiculous thing off my head . NA.KIA It looks nice. Just whip it back and forth . OKOYE What? It's a disgrace . Looky - loos stare as Nakia leads them to an ELDERLY WOMAN (Korean) , se ll ing fish i n front of an al l ey . Nakia greets her in perfect Korean. NA.KIA (SUBTITLE) (in Korean) Hello Sophia, good to see you . Nakia smiles, but the Elderly Woman doesn't smile back . ELDERLY WOMAN (SUBTITLE) (in Korean) Who are these two? NA.KIA (SUBTITLE) (in Korean) My friends from Kenya . Very deep pockets . They're good . ELDERLY WOMAN (SUBTITLE) (in Korean) Good for trouble , like you? 38 . An awkward pause , then she smiles . A LARGE KOREAN TOUGH, wearing a black suit emerges from the alley, and motions for the Wakandans to follow him into .. NA.KIA (SUBTITLE) (in Korean) Thank you . INT. ANTEROOM - NIGHT A small dark room with a A BACK DOOR with a Korean Character on it and TWO MORE KOREAN GOONS guarding each side . They eye our heroes closely. As they step through a large METAL DETECTOR and are WANDED DOWN. 39 . The door opens and they pass into • . . INT. UNDERGROUND CASINO, BALCONY - NIGHT They walk out onto the upper balcony of a buzzing , high-class casino . There are a few GAMING TABLES on the balcony level and a bustling pit down below . T' CHALLA Spread out. The buyer is likely already here. Okoye heads for the BALCONY VANTAGE POINT while T'Challa and Nakia go down to the FIRST FLOOR. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) The woman outside -- what trouble was she referring to? She plays along, alluring . NAKIA Ah, I got into a disagreement with some ivory traders . Made a bit of a mess . T' CHALLA And will there be any trouble tonight, Ms. Kenyan heiress? NAKIA Depends on how quickly we finish the mission ... OKOYE (O. S. ) (interrupting) Can we please focus. T'Challa and Nakia split up. T'Challa heads for the pit and Nakia walks over to the bar . ON OKOYE OKOYE (CONT'D) Thank you . INT. FIRST FLOOR, BLACKJACK TABLE - NIGHT Nakia slips into a seat at the bar and looks around clocking the room. NAKIA (in Korean) Over here . One whiskey, please. NAKIA (CONT'D) Eyes up . Americans . I count ... three . 40. We see Nakia's POV as she makes out THREE CIA AGENTS on the first floor, spread out under the balcony. OKOYE (O.S.) Five. How could you miss "Greased Lightning" there behind you . Standing over the balcony looking , Okoye spots TWO MORE CIA agents, both with greasy hair. An elegant waitress carries a tray of drinks to a CRAPS TABLE where we find T'Challa . The woman places the drinks down as T'Challa peers across the gambling pit at someone he recognizes and starts that way. T'CHALLA (into comm) Six. Just spotted an old friend who works for the CIA. It just got a little more complicated. T'Challa steps up to another crowded CRAPS TABLE next to EVERETT ROSS, the sixth CIA agent he spotted . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Agent Ross . ROSS Your highness . Ross plays it cool . T'CHALLA You are buying from Klaue ... ROSS What I'm doing or not doing on behalf of the US government is of none of your concern. Now, whatever the hell you're up to , do me a favor and stay out of my way. T'CHALLA I gave you Zemo. ROSS And didn't I kept it under wraps that the King of a third world country runs around in a bulletproof cat suit. I ' d say we were even . 41 . Ross places a Pass bet. T'Challa dumps a stack of chips on Don't Pass. All of the SHOOTER'S FRIENDS blow on the dice. ROSS (CONT'D) You really need to leave, now. They watch the dice roll . They land on 3. The dea l er takes away Ross' bet , and slides T'Challa's massive payout over to him . T' CHALLA Klaue is leaving out that door with me. You've been warned. T'Challa walks toward another craps table , leaving the pile of chips behind (money means nothing to him) . ROSS (to the empty chair) Hey, you won. Ross scratches his brow as a THIRSTY GAMBLER (Stan Lee) who was sitting next to T'Challa grabs them . Ross eyes the Thirsty Gambler who shrugs . THIRSTY GAMBLER You know what, I think I'll just take these , bring 'em over here and hold on for safe keeping . He slides them all onto the DON'T PASS bet and Ross walks off in search of T'Challa . ROSS (into comm) Ok heads up , the King of Wakanda is here . He cannot leave with Klaue . T'Challa stands at a ROULETTE TABLE when Ross walks up to him. ROSS (CONT'D) Alright , vibranium from the attack on Sokovia links back to a person that I'm not actually saying I'm here to make a deal with but that deal will not be called off. When the dust settles you and I can work something out . T'CHALLA I am not here to make a deal . Ross rolls his eyes . EXT. JAGALCHI FISH MARKET - NIGHT 42 . SEVERAL BLACK 4RUNNERS pull up in f r ont of the Korean Woman and a platoon of EIGHT SOUTH AFRICAN TOUGHS dressed i n suits hop out of the trucks protecting Klaue. Klaue winks at the Korean Woman as he wal ks past her. She smi l es back and nods to the TOUGH behind her . INT. ANTEROOM - NIGHT Klaue and his men walk through the metal detector , and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM LIGHTS IT UP. The TOUGHS watch as they go throug h. INT. UNDERGROUND CASINO BALCONY - NIGHT Klaue and his eight man entourage confidently stream inside the casino , spreading out across the ba l cony , gaining every va ntage poin t . ON ROSS AND T'CHALLA At a stalemate. Then .. . NAKIA (O. S. ) Klaue plus 8 ! Ross looks to the entrance and immediately moves away from T'Challa . T'Challa watches Ross approach a third CRAPS TABLE. T'C halla turns his back to avoid being seen . T' CHALLA General . 43 . OKOYE (O. S. ) In position to secure our exit. T'CHALLA And the vibranium. ON NAKIA Who changes position from the bar to the CRAPS TABLE where T'Challa was initially standing . NAKIA I don't see it yet . ON OKOYE As TWO OF KLAUE' S TOUGHS post up on either side of her on the balcony . She trie s to play it cool as they look around at the patrons suspiciously . ON KLAUE OKOYE I thoug ht there were no weapons allo wed in here . NAKIA (O. S. ) There's not supposed to be . OKOYE Someone did not get the memo. Definitely armed . Klaue spots Ross and smiles as he heads down the stairs flanked by a couple of his TOUGHS. INT. FIRST FLOOR, CRAPS TABLE - NIGHT Ross keeps his cool as Kl aue approaches . ROSS Well that is quite the entourage . You got a mixtape coming out? Klaue cuts Ross a look . KLAUE Yeah ! Yeah , actually there is one . Shocked , Ross is unsure if Kl aue is serious . KLAUE (CONT'D) Yea I'll send you the soundcloud link if you like . Klaue turns to one of his goons . KLAUE (CONT'D) Aye, Dave . Get him the link to the tape . The SOUTH AFRICAN TOUGH reaches into his pocket for his phone. ROSS Please don't make me listen to your music . I just meant , you got a lot of people with yo u. KLAUE Oh, you think they're for you? Klaue laughs at this . KLAUE (CONT'D) Don't worry . I can do a deal with you all by myself , thank you very much . 44. He rubs Ross on the shoulder , hard , and for way too long . As several more SOUTH AFRICAN TOUGHS come pouring out of the VIP lounges . NAKIA (O. S . ) Six more, it ' s a set up. KLAUE You got the diamonds? Klaue is still rubbing Ross' shoulder . ROSS Ok, that's enough. A CIA AGENT walks a FANCY SLIM BRIEFCASE towards Ross. ON NAKIA NAKIA We need to move on Klaue. ON T'CHALLA T'CHALLA Stand down . We can't afford a shoot- out. BACK IN THE PIT 45. Ross eyes Klaue as the CIA agent brings him the briefcase . ROSS The vibranium? Klaue looks around , and reaches into his pants and pulls out a wrinkled, sweaty paper bag, with "FRAGILE" written on it with a sharpie . Ross looks at the bag. ON NAKIA KLAUE I was going to buy a fancy suitcase, but I thought I'd save myself some money . NAKIA It's now or never . Nakia continues towards the CIA agent. ON OKOYE OKOYE (in Xhosa) STAND DOWN! A South African Tough hears her, and turns towards her. ON OKOYE SOUTH AFRICAN TOUGH Hey. Okoye pretends she doesn't hear him. SOUTH AFRICAN TOUGH (CONT'D) Hey! OKOYE (into comms) (in Xhosa) I've been made. 46 . Okoye starts for the stairs when ANOTHER TOUGH moves to cut her off . Okoye slows down and the TOUGH trailing behind her reaches out to grab her hand and turn her around . As soon as the goon touches Okoye , she TWISTS him into an ARM- BAR, throws her purse at the OTHER TOUGH and extends her spear , stabbing the OTHER TOUGH in the foot . She then throws her WIG into the ARM BAR TOUGH's face, and hurls him over the railing . DOWNSTAIRS The arm-bar tough CRASHES DOWN onto a gaming table behind Klaue and startled patrons , scramble in every direction . Klaue spins toward the commotion as ... Klaue looks back to Ross and spots T'Challa. Producing a HANDGUN from his waist, Klaue opens fire on Ross and the CIA agent . Ross uses the SLIM SUITCASE as a shield as he ducks down below the craps table and . . . T'Challa leaps to action , KICKING and FLIPPING THE TABLE on its edge to block GUNFIRE from Klaue's other toughs. With bullets flying everywhere ... PANICKED PEOPLE run for their lives . It's CHAOS. Surrounded by TOUGHS, Klaue retreats for the stairs . KLAUE Get the diamonds, quick ! EVERY ONE OF KLAUE'S TOUGHS unload, raining shells on the overturned craps table with Ross and T'Challa behind it . The TOUGHS move in only to have T'Challa leap from the table , staying low to FOOTSWEEP one onto his back . T'Challa kicks him back then disarms another TOUGH and kicks him into the bar . T'Challa then spins and kicks the next TOUGH over the roulette table and through the bar railing. Nakia grabs a goon in an ARM TWIST trying to relieve him of his gun . She takes off one shoe and knocks out another approaching gun. Swings the arm twisted goon to the floor, knocks him out, taking his gun and shooting up towards the balcony where Okoye is fighting . ON OKOYE Okoye BATTLES TWO TOUGHS with her full-length spear, dropping both with proficiency . She kicks the gun away from one, fights another with her spear, then kicks a TOUGH over the rail. 47 . Okoye JUMPS down to the casino floor and stabs a goon on her way down, tucks and rolls. Okoye takes out a TOUGH with her spear. Nakia flips a TOUGH over her back . T'Challa sends a TOUGH and table flying . Beats down two more TOUGHS, he turns for more. T'Challa spots Klaue nearing the entrance and breaking away from the fight, LEAPS HALF WAY UP onto a column , bounds off to the UPPER BALCONY INT. UNDERGROUND CASINO, BALCONY - NIGHT T'Challa lands 10 feet behind Klaue. T'CHALLA (in Xhosa) Murderer! Klaue stops and turns around to face T'Challa. He tries to fire his gun but discovers he ' s out of ammo. Klaue smiles, dropping his gun and puts his hands up -- as KLAUE'S PROSTHETIC LEFT ARM suddenly splits open, revealing itself to be a SONIC DISRUPTER! KLAUE You know, you look just like your old man. T'Challa snatches up a ROLLING CHANGE CART TABLE just as Klaue fires the blaster at him . BOOOOM !! ! A COLOSSAL SONIC BLAST hits the cart, blowing it to pieces and sending T'Challa FLYING THROUGH THE UPPER BALCONY RAILING back down into the pit . With money FLOATING in the air , T'Challa lands hard . KLAUE (CONT'D) I made it rain! ON NAKIA AND OKOYE Nakia and Okoye make their way to the top of the stairs as . .• EXT. JAGALCHI FISH MARKET - NIGHT Klaue and FOUR TOUGHS exit with Nakia and Okoye giving chase . KLAUE That was awesome! That was awesome! Let's go ! Go, go , come on! 48 . Klaue jumps in the first of FOUR IDLING 4RUNNERS. The convoy instantly skids away as ... Nakia and Okoye emerge . Okoye throws an EMP bead from her pocket and it lands on a parked LEXUS LC. NAKIA Do we just leave him? OKOYE He'll catch up. Nakia starts the car and Okoye climbs in . T'Challa sprints out of casino . T'CHALLA Shuri ! INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP - NIGHT Shuri stands in front of a rectangular VIBRANIUM CASING that lowers . The SAND inside FORMS into the Lexus LC's cockpit. GRIOT (O. S . ) Remote driving system activated. SHURI (excited) Yes yes yes! Wait ... Which side of the road is it? We see a three-dimensional HOLOGRAM VIEW from inside the Lexus LC's cockpit appear as Shuri climbs in. T'CHALLA (O. S . ) For Bast sake just drive !!! SHURI Okay okay, calm down brother ! EXT. JAGALCHI FISH MARKET - NIGHT PANTHER SPRINTS AFTER THE CARS AS NANITES SCRAMBLE FROM HIS NECKLACE, COVERING HIS ENTIRE BODY, FORMING HIS NEW MASK OVER HIS FACE . . . Black Panther. 49 . Panther continues running as the LEXUS pulls up behind him , at the last second he single-leg flips and lands on the hood of the Lexus LC, digging his HAND and BOOT claws into the hood as it SCREAMS OFF. I/E. LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT - NIGHT SHURI Wool Let's go ! INT. KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, BUSAN STREETS - NIGHT Klaue turns to the driver. KLAUE Put some music on ! What do you think this is a funeral? EXT. BUSAN STREETS - NIGHT The 4RUNNERS cross through one intersection at speed, then make a hard right at the next INTERSECTION. Nakia remains on them as at the far end of the street we see PANTHER'S LEXUS LC join the chase. The CONVOY makes a right at a "T" and races down a TWO LANE STREET toward a split in the road. EXT. BUSAN ROAD SPLIT - NIGHT The FIRST (Klaue) and THIRD 4RUNNERS continue on the two lane street with NAKIA' S LEXUS SEDAN on their tail . NAKIA Which one is he in now? NT. KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, BUSAN STREETS - NIGHT Klaue picks up his radio . KLAUE (into radio) Hey, split up! I/E . NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN SPLIT STREET - NIGHT OKOYE They're trying to lose us . NA.KIA We'll take the right . EXT. BUSAN ROAD SPLIT - NIGHT 50. While the SECOND and FOURTH SUV skid left down a SINGLE LANE ROAD followed closely by ... I/E. LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT - NIGHT A skilled driver, Shuri shifts gears, darting left , in behind the trucks with Panther anchored atop . SHURI We'll take the other two ! I see a short cut . EXT. WASHIRO (YEONGDOGU) , PANTHER'S HILLS - NIGHT With the LEXUS LC closing in, the SECOND and FOURTH 4RUNNERS make a right turn , dropping down a STEEP HILL. Panther chases the SUV's off the hill. The lead SUV collides with a car in crossing traffic . I/E . LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT - NIGHT SHURI We're not going to make it! EXT. WASHIRO (YEONGDOGU), PANTHER'S HILLS - NIGHT T'CHALLA Keep go in g ! Panther uses his claws to make a sharp turn and avoid the wreck . I/E . LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT - NIGHT SHURI Wool Brother ! EXT. WASHIRO (YEONGDOGU), PANTHER'S HILLS - NIGHT Panther catches up with the Rear SUV, he takes fire and leaps on the roof of the SUV. Panther rips the SUV roof open . 51 . The scared driver leaps out of the car , causing the SUV to collide with parked cars , "Sidewinder'' . Shuri runs over the escaped driver on accident . I/E . LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT - NIGHT SHURI Hey , what was that ! ? EXT. WASHIRO (YEONGDOGU), PANTHER'S HILLS - NIGHT T'CHALLA Don't worry about it . You're doing great . Panther leaps back onto the hood of the Lexus and they speed off . I/e . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT Klaue looks back as Nakia closes in . The driver f l oors it as a GUNMAN in the THIRD SUV opens fire on Nakia's Lexus. The bullets carom off the hood . I/E . NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT Nakia and Okoye ... unfazed by the gunfire . OKOYE Guns . So primitive . I/e . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT Klaue barks into his comm. KLAUE (into radio) It ' s a vibranium car you idiots !! Bullets won't penetrate !! I/E . NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT Okoye slides out the passenger window and climbs onto the roof, stabbing her short spear into the top of the vehicle as a handle , her dress blowing in the wind . NAKIA What are you doing? OKOYE Just drive . NAKIA Eesh . 52. Nakia drops back and weaves through traffic as Okoye , engages her SPEAR MECHANISM, then steadies herself and let's her long spear fly , launching the weapon like a javelin. I/E. THIRD 4RUNNER, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT The SPEAR rockets through the REAR AND FRONT WINDOW of the truck, SPIKING THE GROUND and bringing the SUV to a stop with the force of a head on collision ! I/E. NAKIA'$ LEXUS SEDAN, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT NAKIA Wool I/e . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, SPEAR STREET - NIGHT KLAUE Oh shoot. EXT. YEONGDOGU , ENTRANCE TO DIAMOND BRIDGE - NIGHT The SECOND and FOURTH SUV$ tear from the hills onto the DIAMOND BRIDGE with Panther's Lexus right behind them . Closing in, Panther takes HEAVY GUNFIRE. I/E . LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT, DIAMOND BRIDGE - NIGHT Speeding through BUSY BRIDGE TRAFFIC, Panther surfs the roof of the BULLET RIDDLED LC. SHURI (O.S.) Hey, look at your suit! You' ve been taking bullets charging it up with kinetic energy ! Panther looks down at the GLOWING GLYPHS of kinetic energy built into his suit as ... T'CHALLA Pull around the truck . 53. EXT. DIAMOND BRIDGE - NIGHT The LC accelerates ahead , closing in on the SECOND SUV, but just as Panther is about to look inside , a passing TRACTOR- TRAILER BLOCKS his view . The 4Runner loses sight of Panther as he LEAPS TO THE TRAILER, bounding across the top of the big rig separating the Lexus and the 4Runner. I/E . SECOND 4RUNNER, DIAMOND BRIDGE - NIGHT Klaue ' s gunmen search furiously for Panther as the Lexus LC suddenly cuts in front of them , without Panther on to p . DRIVER Where'd he go ! ? Then out of nowhere, PANTHER LANDS HARD on the hood of the SUV. Looking inside , Panther doesn't see Klaue and launches off the 4Runner , distributing the kinetic energy from his suit with IMMENSE CONCUSSIVE FORCE, causing both TRUCKS TO CRASH and FLIP down the bridge. I/E. LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT, DIAMOND BRIDGE - NIGHT Shuri swerves the Lexus, skillfully catching Panther on the roof again as ... SHURI You show off. EXT. DEONGSEO, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT Nakia's Lexus sedan trails Klaue's 4Runner . • . both going airborne over hilltops. I/E. NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT NAKIA There he is ! Hold tight ! I/E . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT As the SUV catches air over a rise in the road , Klaue slides his body out of the truck . 54 . KLAUE Right, let's have some fun . Sitting on the windowsill, Klaue aims his SONIC DISRUPTER. I/E. NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT Nakia is locked in and Okoye prepares to throw her SPEAR again but they suddenly LOSE SIGHT of Klaue as the Lexus hits the rise . EXT. DEONGSEO, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT Ahead, Klaue's 4Runner launches off a second, STEEPER RISE . I/E . NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT Nakia loses sight of Klaue again as ... I/E . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT The SUV LANDS HARD on the downside of the hill . Klaue , still at speed , steadies his disrupter and as NAKIA'S LEXUS appears in MID-AIR over the rise, he FIRES . I/E . NAKIA'S LEXUS SEDAN - NIGHT Klaue's SONIC SHOT hits the Lexus sedan head on and DISMANTLES IT, piece by piece to its studs . . . SENDING NAKIA AND OKOYE FLYING. ON OKOYE As she twists through the air , her feet remain planted on a shredded piece of the cars' roof. She l ands on her feet, speed-skating to a stop . ON NAKIA Nakia skids up next to Okoye on the driver's seat , still buckled in . EXT. DEONGSEO, WHOOP STREET - NIGHT Ross pulls up in a SUBURBAN and stops in front of Nakia and Okoye . ROSS Hop in . Put that spear in the trunk . EXT. CENTUM CITY BRIDGE - NIGHT T'CHALLA Faster , Shuri . INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP - NIGHT Tracking Kla ue ' s SUV, Shuri drives in the sand cockpit . SHURI I ' m going as fast as I can ! EXT. CENTUM CITY BRIDGE - NIGHT 55 . We see KLAUE' S 4RUNNER racing across the Centum City Bridge ... the Diamond Bridge can be seen in the background . EXT. GWANGALLI ROAD, CHEETAH STREET - NIGHT Klaue is back inside the SUV as it WEAVES through traffic. Then , we spot a rapidly closing LEXUS LC WITH PANTHER on the roof. I/E . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, GWANGALLI ROAD, CHEETAH STREET - NIGHT Klaue turns to his driver . KLAUE Take a right , take a right ! EXT. GWANGALLI ROAD, CHEETAH STREET - NIGHT Klaue ' s 4Runner and Panther's LC make left turns, booking down a short road , then make quick rights. EXT. HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT The 4Runner barrels along a brightly lit TWO LANE ROAD with the Lexus LC chasing . 56 . I/E . KLAUE'S 4RUNNER, HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT Unnerved seeing Panther closing in , Klaue slides his body back out to the SUV's windowsill as his driver makes a sharp right onto a WIDER AVENUE. I/E. LEXUS LC/SHURI'S COCKPIT, HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT Determined , Shuri rounds the turn , focused . The DIGITAL DASH shows 115 mph and climbing . But , hanging out of the truck , Kla ue fires a MASSIVE SONIC BLAST that Shuri can't evade . SHUR! No no no no no no no !! And ... HIT . .. t he LEXUS LC SUDDENLY GOES TO PI ECES .. . whole parts and panelling to a million fragments. INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDA DESIGN GROUP - NIGHT Shuri ' s driver seat EXPLODES INTO A TRILLION GRAINS OF SAND and she hits the floor. SHUR! Brother ! EXT. HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT But PANTHER ... launches himself out of the DISASSEMBLING CAR to ward a BUILDING and in fo ur strides al ong the side of the structure, he LEAPS OFF at KLAUE' S 4RUNNER. I/E . KLAUE' S 4RUNNER, HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT Klaue's driver spots PANTHER FLYING AT THEM and tries to swerve , but Panther LATCHES to the side of the SUV and DIGS IN with his claws . Panther GRABS THE RIM of the front tire and STOPS THE WHEEL dead in its tracks ! The lug nuts SHEAR OFF from the force and Panther discards the tire, causing the truck's nose to CRASH DOWN, skidding across the street with SPARKS FLYING. Panther ROLLS clear as the 4RUNNER HITS the curb , FLIPS OVER to its roof and SLIDES TO A STOP in the middle of a busy outdoor cafe as its PATRONS scramble . 57 . EXT. HAEUNDAE DISTRICT - NIGHT With the SUV upside-down and customers looking on, Panther approaches to find Klaue struggling to climb out of his window . T'CHALLA Klaue 11 Klaue slowly gets to his feet and tries to level his disrupter but running up , Panther evades the BLAST and is only nic ked on the shoulder . Panther grabs Klaue's arm , CLAWING into the sonic disrupter and COMPLETELY PULLS IT OFF. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Did you think we would forget !? Klaue laughs . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Look at me murderer ! Where did you get this weapon? KLAUE You savages didn ' t deserve it . T'Challa grabs him by the throat and slams him into the SUV. KLAUE (CONT' D) Oh, mercy ! King , mercy ! Seething , Panther exposes his claws prepared to strike . T' CHALLA Every breath you take is mercy from me. OKOYE ( 0 . S . ) (in Xhosa) King/ T'Challa turns to find Okoye and Nakia getting out of Ross' Suburban. NAKIA (SUBTITLE) (in Xhosa) The world watches . The pier has crowded with Koreans RECORDING them on cellphones as SIRENS can be heard in the distance . ROSS Come on guys , let's go huh? T'Challa eyes around. He has little choice and nods. EXT. TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Fast-paced, loud and dirty. INT. TRAVEL AGENCY LOBBY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY 58. SOUTH KOREAN EMPLOYEES busily work at desks. Nakia is among them, watching the passing cars. Guard duty . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Agents and CIA analysts move about. On the table sits KLAUE'S PROSTHETIC WEAPON and THE VIBRANIUM sitting atop the paper bag . INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Klaue , strapped to a chair, makes faces at the two way glass . KLAUE Hello! I can see you ! I can , I can see you. INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY ROSS So, this is a big mess, huh? I figured we can go good cop bad cop . I'll talk to him first, then you guys go in -- Okoye turns to T'Challa . OKOYE (SUBTITLE) (in Xhosa) We can't let him talk to Klaue alone . T'CHALLA (in Xhosa) Better to let him talk to Klaue alone for 5 minutes than to make a scene here . T'Challa turns to Ross . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) After your questioning , we will to take him back to Wakanda with us . Ross stares at T'Challa for a beat . ROSS What? No. Look I like you, a lot. But he's in my custody now. He's not going anywhere . Listen , I 'm doing you a favor by letting you even be in here. Ross reaches out and touches T'Challa . Okoye steps in. OKOYE (SUBTITLE) (in Xhosa) If he touches you again, I am going to impale him to this desk. 59 . Ross looks at Okoye, sensing the thinly veiled threat. He looks to T'Challa . ROSS Does she speak English? OKOYE When she wants to. Ross and Okoye eye each other for a long beat. ROSS I'm going in . And when I'm done, you guys are up. T'CHALLA --Agent Ross . ROSS Yea. T'Challa puts his hand on Ross's shoulder . T'CHALLA I do appreciate your help in Busan . ROSS You see that? It's called diplomacy . You're welcome. Ross walks through the door, closing it behind him . T'CHALLA Okoye! Play nice. OKOYE Eh , Americans ... 60 . INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Strapped to his chair, Klaue sings. KLAUE You know, you really shouldn ' t trust the Wakandans. I'm much more your speed. ROSS I don't trust anybody, not in this job . But what I am interested in is that arm cannon out there. Where'd you get that? KLAUE It's an old mining tool that I made some adjustments to. But I can get you one if you'd like . ROSS Why don't you give me the name of your supplier and I'll ask them. KLAUE He's right outside , why don't you ask him yourself? ROSS T' Challa? You're telling me that weapon on your arm is from Wakanda? Klaue nods. KLAUE Bingo . KLAUE (CONT'D) What do you actually know about Wakanda? ROSS Shepherds . Textiles . Cool outfits. Ross stops as we notice a MICRO AUDIO BUG on his shoulder that T'Challa planted before he entered the room . 61 . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY T'Challa and Okoye secretly listen to Klaue's interrogation . INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY KLAUE It's all a front . Explorers searched for it for centuries . El [Dorado ] The Golden City . They thought they could find it in South America, but it was in Africa the whole time . A technological marvel. All because it was built on a mound of the most valuable metal known to man- Isipho- they call it . The gift . Vibranium ... ROSS Vibranium yea . Strongest metal on Earth. KLAUE It's not just a metal ... They sew it into their clothes , it powers their city, their tech, their weapons ... ROSS Weapons? KLAUE Oh yes . Makes my arm cannon look like a leaf blower . ROSS That's a nice fairy tale but Wakanda is a third world country and you stole all their vibranium . KLAUE (laughing) I stole all of it? Klaue can barely contain himself. KLAUE (CONT'D) All of it? I took a tiny piece of it . They have a mountain full of it. They've been mining it for thousands of years and still haven't scratched the surface . (MORE) KLAUE (CONT'D) I'm the only outsider who's seen it , and got out of there alive. (beat) If you don't believe me you ask your friend what his suit is made of ... what his claws are made of ... 62 . Ross looks back at the two way glass , then heads towards the door . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY ROSS exits the interrogation room and approaches T'Challa and Okoye. I/E . PAINT TRUCK, BACK ALLEY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Lirnbani drives wi th Linda in the passe nger seat . Attached to the dashboard is a GPS TRACKING TABLET DEVICE with a blinking BEACON (Klaue's prosthetic) inside the travel agency . We also see everyone's HEAT SIGNATURE, including Klaue seated alone. INT. TRAVEL AGENCY LOBBY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Through the FRONT WINDOW , Nakia watches a PAINT TRUCK pass the building that doesn't seem right . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Ross studies T'Challa . ROSS Your father to l d the UN that Klaue stole all the vibraniurn you had . But now he's telling me you have more? T'CHALLA And you believe the word of an arms dealer , strapped to a chair. Ross hesitates , but doesn ' t bite . I/E . PAINT TRUCK, BACK ALLEY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY The truck pulls to a stop at the rear of the building . 63 . Killmonger emerges from the back of the truck with an ASSAULT RIFLE with a GRENADE LAUNCHER ATTACHMENT . INT. TRAVEL AGENCY LOBBY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY On a computer monitor , we see SECURITY CAMERA FEEDS from outside the black site. Nakia wanders past the desk, eyeing over a travel agency employee's (CIA Agent) shoulder and freezes. SECURITY CAMERA FEED the alley is empty, but there is a VISIBLE GLITCH in the footage. NAKIA (in Korean) Where is that? CIA AGENT (in Korean) Back there . He points in the direction of the interrogation room . I/E . PAINT TRUCK, BACK ALLEY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Killmonger slips on the AFRICAN MASK from the British Museum, then carries a DAISY-CHAIN OF EXPLOSIVES toward the building . He sets the CHARGES against the outer wall of Klaue ' s room and fearlessly leans against the structure next to the charges , he holds a detonator in his hand as Linda and Limbani lean against the wall next to him . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY ROSS How much more are you hiding? Then suddenly . . . Nakia SLAMS through the door . CIA AGENTS draw their weapons. Nakia is unfazed. NAKIA (in Xhosa) Something's happening out back. EXT. REAR OF TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Then ... BOOM! THE CHARGES BLOW •. . carving a hole in the wall. 64 . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Startled . .. they all break for the interrogation room but . • . INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Killmonger suddenly spins inside , laying down cover fire, RIDDLING THE DOORWAY WITH BULLETS and SHATTERING THE TWO-WAY GLASS. INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Besieged with automatic GUNFIRE, everybody DUCKS down. On instinct , Ross shoves Nakia to the floor, taking a round to the back , saving her while . .. T'Challa's SUIT FORMS and he shields a CIA Agent. Okoye dives clear of the doorway and the other agents scramble out into the travel agency for cover . INT. INTERROGATION ROOM, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Linda and Lirnbani GRAB KLAUE carrying his entire chair with him still strapped to it as ... Edging back toward the breach, Killmonger throws a live GRENADE through the shattered two-way window into the black site office . INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Panther instantly dives on the grenade and it EXPLODES, doing no damage to him or the room, but lights up his entire suit . Panther bounds back to his feet to give chase as ... I/E. REAR OF TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Klaue cackles maniacally being loaded into the paint truck by Linda and Lirnbani . KLAUE I see you took your time didn't you ! Killmonger continues to FIRE as Lirnbani and Linda hop in and begin to pull off. 65. Walking backward after the truck , Killmonger swings the RPG up to his shoulder as Panther emerges . The truck turns out of the alley as Killmonger aims. Panther charges at Killmonger and he FIRES! Taking the ROCKET head on, Panther is ENGULFED IN THE MASSIVE IMPACT and blown backward. Panther's suit is lit to the max with kinetic energy as he labors back to his feet , he spots the RING dangling around Killmonger's neck on his gold chain . (It ' s identical to the ring T'Challa inherited from T'Chaka in CA:CW. ) . OKOYE (O. S. ) (in Xhosa) My King! Panther turns to find Okoye . OKOYE (CONT'D) (in Xhosa) My King ... Nakia. INT. BLACK SITE OFFICE, TRAVEL AGENCY, SOUTH KOREA - DAY Panther and Okoye enter discovering agents and Nakia hovering around Ross on the floor. The receptionist (also an agent) applies pressure to his gunshot wound as a MALE CIA AGENT checks his pulse . Shaken, Nakia looks to Panther. NAKIA He just jumped in front of me. Gravely wounded, Ross is barely conscious . NAKIA (CONT'D) I don't think he'll make it here, it hit his spine . T'CHALLA Give me a Kimoyo bead . T'Challa looks at Nakia and motions towards her Kimoyo bead. She pulls one off and hands it to him . T'Challa inserts it into Ross' wound. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) This will stabilize him for now. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Give him to us . We can save him. 66 . The agents stare at Panther and his glowing high-tech suit . INT. COMMAND CABIN, ROYAL TALON FIGHTER - DAY Okoye is at the helm with Nakia standing next to her . Neither can believe Ross is on board . Further back in the aircraft, we find Ross' unconscious body. T'Challa looms nearby, lost in thought. OKOYE Our missions was to bring back Klaue . We failed . This man is a foreign intelligence operative. How do we justify bringing him into our borders? NAKIA He took a bullet for me. OKOYE That was his choice . T'Challa stiffens. Okoye has gone a little too far. Torn, Nakia stares off, thinking about the Nigerian women they didn't bring back to Wakanda and her culpability in Ross' injury . NAKIA So now we are just supposed to let him die? OKOYE Let us consider that we heal him. It is his duty to report back to his country. And as King, it is your duty to protect ours. T'CHALLA I am well aware of my duties, General. I cannot just let him die knowing we can save him. OKOYE (chagrined) Where exactly are we taking him? INT. WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP, HALLWAY , MT. BASHENGA - LATE AFTERNOON Shuri covertly l eads T'Challa , Okoye and Nakia inside , carrying Ross ' s body on a Maglev stretcher. She turns to T'Challa . SHURI Great , another broken white boy for us to fi x. This is going to be fun. T' Challa cuts Shuri a look . 67 . INT. SHURI 'S LAB, WAKANDA DESIGN GROUP - LATE AFTERNOON Ros s is placed on a table surrounded by futuri stic medical equipment . As Shuri works on him . SHURI He will live . The security alarm on Shuri's Kimoyo bead GOES OFF. SHURI (CONT'D) W'Kabi is here . Shuri , Nakia and Okoye quickly hide . T'Challa hurries up the ramp. Hoping for good news, W' Kabi approaches T'Challa . W'KABI What ' s going on , brother? Where is Klaue? T'CHALLA He's not here . T'Challa's eyes lower regretfully . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) He slipped through our hands . W' KABI Slipped? For 30 years your father was in power and did nothing . With you I thought it would be different . But it's more of the same . Deeply disappointed , W' Kabi can't muster words . He looks at T'Challa and wal ks out . 68. I/E. ABANDONED AIRFIELD/GARAGE, SOUTH KOREA - EVENING An airplane graveyard . The paint truck pulls to a stop on the airstrip . Killmonger, Klaue , Limbani and Linda hop out, and hump their gear to a FOUR- SEATER ESCAPE PLANE parked on the airstrip . LIMBANI Let's get going, boss. KILLMONGER You always sell to the CIA? KLAUE I sell to the highest bidder . Don' t you worry when I get back to Jo- burg and lay low for a bit, I ' ll make sure both you guys get paid. KILLMONGER Oh I ain't worried about the money, bro . I know you're good for it . Klaue smiles. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) On our way back, just drop us of in Wakanda. KLAUE You don't wanna go there, boy . KILLMONGER Yea I do . Killmonger suddenly draws a HANDGUN and SHOOTS LIMBANI DEAD. Reacting to the shot , Klaue crowds Linda with a skilled GRAPPLING MOVE and snatches her gun away before she can fire on him . Killmonger finds Klaue holding Linda's gun to her head, using her as his shield . KLAUE (stumped) Drop it, or your little Bonnie and Clyde routine ends today . Put your gun down now! LINDA I'm sorry . I'm sorry , Erik . KILLMONGER It's gonna be ok . Killmonger fires without hesitation . The BULLET TRAVELS THROUGH Linda , ki lli ng her while Klaue dives behind the plane , WOUNDED IN THE SHOULDER from the round . 69. Killmonger moves to finish Klaue but he's gone . Following Klaue's blood trail , Killmonger STALKS Klaue through the SCRAPYARD. Klaue fires at Killmonger , missing . Killmonger stops and turns, ducking between planes. Killmonger spots Klaue THROUGH THE GLASS of a cockpit window and FIRES . Sniped through the window with precision , Klaue falls , losing Linda's gun . Ki l lmonger approaches and Klaue rolls to his back to face him . KLAUE ... Y-You really wanna go to Wakanda? They're savages. Klaue shows his BRANDED neck . KLAUE (CONT'D) This is what they do to people like us. KILLMON GER I ain't worried about no brand . Check these out. Killmonger rolls up his sleeve , uncovering SEVERAL AFRICAN SCARIFICATION MARKS on his forearm . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Each one is for a kill . KLAUE You can sca r yourself as much as you like . To them , you'll just be an outsider. You're crazy to think that you could walk in there . Killmonger flips the inside of his bottom lip, revealing a glowing Wakandan TATTOO. Klaue can't believe his eyes . KLAUE (CONT'D) And to think I saw you as some crazy American . 70. Klaue starts laughing, hard . Killmonger aims and pulls the trigger at point blank range. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT T'Challa enters to find Zuri tending to the garden. He looks around to the other Shamans. T' CHALLA Leave us. They immediately head out . zuri turns to T'Challa . ZURI So your mission did not go as planned . T'CHALLA What happened to my Uncle N'Jobu? My father told me he disappeared ... there was a man today wearing a ring identical to this one . Zuri turns back and T'Challa lifts his hand, showing his VIBRANIUM RING from CA:CW. zuri turns away uncomfortable. ZURI That is not possible . T' CHALLA He helped Klaue escape from us and he was wearing this ring . My grandfather ' s ring . Do not tell me what is possible tell me the truth . ZURI Some truths are too much to bear , T'Challa. T'CHALLA That is not your choice to make. What happened to him? ZURI I promised the King to say nothing . T'CHALLA I am your King now! Zuri looks up. ZURI Your uncle took a War Dog assignment in America . Your father placed me there to observe unbeknownst to him. Your uncle fell in love with an American woman. They had a child . The hardships he saw there radicalized your uncle. INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK 71. N'JOBU makes his plea to YOUNG T'CHAKA, picking up where we left off in the Oakland sequence . N'JOBU I observed for as long as I could ! Their leaders have been assassinated , communities flooded with drugs and weapons , they are overly policed and incarcerated. All over the planet our people suffer because they don't have the tools to fight back. With vibranium weapons they could overthrow every country and Wakanda could rule them all , the right way . . . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT ZURI He knew your father would not support this , so your uncle betrayed us. T'CHALLA No . •. ZURI He helped Klaue steal the vibranium . T'CHALLA No no no no no no . . . INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK Young T'Chaka turns to N'Jobu. YOUNG T'CHAKA You will return home at once , where you will face the council and inform them of your crimes . 72. N'Jobu reaches into his waistband and pulls a HANDGUN, aiming it at James/Young Zuri's head, freezing him . ZURI (0. S. ) He drew his weapon on me Young T'Chaka pops his claws . He quickly springs forward , digging his CLAWS into the slide and destroying it , before he can pull the trigger . He then buries his CLAWS into N'Jobu's chest , killing him instantly . He lets N'Jobu's body drop to the floor, and closes his eyes. ZURI (CONT'D) Your father killed his own brother . .. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT ZURI To save my life . INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK Young Zuri looks at Young T'Chaka with tears welling up in his eyes. YOUNG T'CHAKA Speak nothing of this . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT T'CHALLA And the child ... ZURI We left him . EXT. LAKE MERRITT APARTMENT COMPLEX, OAKLAND - NIGHT - FLASHBACK One of the young kids playing basketball, who is now revealed to be YOUNG KILLMONGER stands looking up at the sky where the mysterious lights flickered. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT ZURI We had to maintain the lie . 73. Gutted , T'Challa can't reconcile what he's just heard . He turns his back on Zuri . EXT. WAKANDAN BORDER REGION, MOUNTAIN PLAINS - MORNING Dragging a LARGE BAG, Killmonger approaches . In the distance , we see the four-seater plane . W'Kabi approaches as Killmonger drops the bag . W'KABI What is this? KILLMONGER Just a 'lil gift . Killmonger opens his bag , revealing KLAUE'S CORPSE. W'Kabi's eyes widen, and his men draw their swords . W'KABI (SUBTITLE) (Xhosa) Who are you? INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDA DESIGN GROUP - MORNING Ross suddenly opens his eyes and reaches for his gunshot wound finding it astonishingly almost fully healed. Shuri tinkers with the circuitry of a PAIR OF MASSIVE CLAWED VIBRANIUM GAUNTLETS across the room as Ross sits up. ROSS Alright, where am I? Startled, Shuri spins . SHURI Don't scare me like that, colonizer . ROSS Colon-who? My name is Everett . SHURI Yes , I know . Everett Ross former airforce pilot and now, CIA. ROSS Right. Groggy, Ross gazes around at the completely unique technology . ROSS (CONT'D) Ok, is this Wakanda? SHUR! (still working) No, it ' s Kansas . ROSS ... How long ago was Korea? SHUR! Yesterday . ROSS I don't think so . Bullet wounds don't just magically heal overnight. SHUR! They do here. But not by magic , by technology. (beat) Don't touch anything . My brother will return soon. 74 . Leery, Shuri watches Ross wander about out of the corner of her eye . He walks over to the observation deck and gazes in awe at the exposed GLOWING ROCKS inside of the VIBRANIUM MINE. Suddenly an AUTOMATED MINING CART whips between light panels, floating above a rail . ROSS These train things ... that's magnetic levitation, right? SHUR! Obviously. ROSS Obviously ... but I've never seen it this efficient . The light panels, what are they? SHUR! Sonic stabilizers . ROSS Sonic what? SHUR! In it's raw form , vibranium is too dangerous to be transported at that speed , so I developed a way to temporarily deactivate it. ROSS (in disbelief) There's vibranium on those trains? SHURI There is vibranium all around us. That's how I healed you. Ross tries to process this as a 3D PROJECTION OF OKOYE unexpectedly forms. OKOYE'$ PROJECTION Where is T'Challa? His Kimoyo beads have been switched off . Ross, amazed , tries to touch the sand projection . SHUR! Well we are not joined at the hip , Okoye . OKOYE'$ PROJECTION A man showed up at the border who claims to have killed Klaue. SHUR! What? OKOYE'$ PROJECTION W'Kabi is transporting him as we speak to the pa l ace. We need to find your brother . SHUR! An outsider? OKOYE'$ PROJECTION No, a Wakandan . 75 . An IMAGE OF KILLMONGER from the border appears on Shuri's monitor . Then . . . Ross slowly walks into sight, staring at the screen . ROSS He's not a Wakandan . He's one of ours. EXT. WAKANDAN COUNTRYSIDE - MORNING T'Challa and Nakia gaze out off the side of a beautiful overlook . T' CHALLA He killed his own brother ... and left a child behind with nothing . What kind of King • . . what kind of man does that? NAKIA No man is perfect . Not even your father. T'CHALLA He didn ' t even give him a proper burial ... My Uncle N'Jobu betrayed us , but my father may have created something even worse . NAKIA Hey. Look at me. You can't let your father ' s mistakes define who you are . You get to decide what kind of King you are going to be. They share a look as T'C hal la's Kimoyo beads buzz . SHURI'S PROJECTION Brother , you need to get here now. T' Chall a and Nakia look at each othe r. INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDA DESIGN GROUP - DAY 76 . T'Cha l la , Shuri and Nakia listen as Ross briefs them on Killmonger. A BODY SCAN IMAGE of Killmonger is on Shuri's monitor. ROSS Eric Stevens . Graduated Annapolis age 19 . MIT for grad school . Joined the SEALs and went to Afghanistan where he racked up confirmed kills like it was a video game . They started calling him Killmonger . He joined a JSOC ghost unit . (MORE) ROSS (CONT' D) Now these guys are serious . They will drop off the grid so they can commit assassinations and take down governments . T'CHALLA Did he reveal anything about his identity? SHURI He has a War Dog tattoo but we have no record of him . T' Challa and Shuri share a look . INT. TRIBAL COUNCIL ROOM - DAY 77 . T'Challa sits on his throne surrounded by the Tribal Elders , Ramonda , Shuri , Okoye , and the Dora . RIVER TRIBE ELDER Is this man Wakandan or not? MINING TRIBE ELDER (in Xhosa) Tell us what is going on . Killmonger is escorted in by W'Kabi . W'Kabi tensely steps next to T'Challa as Killmonger takes his place before the circle. T'CHALLA (in Xhosa) Speak. W' KABI (translates for Killmonger) Speak . KILLMON GER I'm standing in your house . Serving justice to a man who stole your vibranium and murdered your people . Justice your King couldn't deliver. T'Challa walks close enough to Killmonger to be able to whisper to him . T'CHALLA I don't care that you brought Klaue, the only reason I don't kill you where you stand is because I know who you are ... now what do you want? KILLMON GER I want the throne . 78 . The entire room scoffs at this . Some ELDERS even hold their heads back and laugh . MINING TRIBE ELDER (in Xhosa) My goodness. KILLMONGER Y'all sittin' up here comfortable. Must feel good . There's about 2 billion people all over the world that looks like us but their lives are a lot harder , Wakanda has the tools to liberate them all . T'CHALLA And what tools are those? KILLMONGER Vibranium . Your weapons. T'CHALLA Our our weapons will not be used to wage war on the world . It is not our way to be judge jury and executioner for people who are not our own. KILLMONGER Not your own? But didn't life start here , on this continent? So ain ' t all people your people? T'CHALLA I am not King of all people. I am King of Wakanda. And it is my responsibility to make sure our people are safe and that vibranium does not fall into the hands of a person like you. The elders murmur at Killmonger's disrespect. They wait to see how T'Challa will respond . Then , Ramonda suddenly speaks . RAMONDA Son , we have entertained this charlatan for too long. Reject his request . Killmonger eyes the Elders with an amused grin . KILLMON GER Oh, I ain't requesting nothing ! Ask who I am? SHURI You are Eric Stevens. An American black operative . A mercenary nicknamed Killmonger. That's who you are . KILLMONGER (laughing) That's not my name , Princess . Ask me, King? T'CHALLA No. KILLMON GER Ask me. T'CHALLA Take him away. RIVER TRIBE ELDER (in Xhosa) Who are you? KILLMONGER (Xhosa) I am N'Jadaka, son of Prince N'Jobu . 79 . A hush fa l ls over the room . The tribal elders knew N'Jobu . This changes EVERYTHING. MINING TRIBE ELDER (in Xhosa) The son of N'Jobu? KILLMONGER I found my daddy with Panther claws in his chest . You ain't the son of a King you're the son of a murderer! RAMONDA (in Xhosa) You' re lying! (in English) Lies. W'KABI I'm afraid not Queen Mother . 80 . W'Kabi produces Killmonger's GOLD NECKLACE and RING. Holding it up for everyone to see. MINING TRIBE ELDER (in Xhosa) The descendant of N'Jobu . KILLMONGER Hey Auntie . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) I'm exercising my blood right to challenge for the mantles of King and Black Panther . Utter silence as all eyes turn to T'Challa . T'Challa desperately wants to refuse but knows that isn't possible . RAMONDA Do not do this T'Challa. BORDER TRIBE ELDER As the son of N'Jobu he is within his rights . RAMONDA He has no rights here. RIVER TRIBE ELDER The challenge would take weeks to prepare . KILLMONGER Weeks? I don't need weeks. The whole country ain't gotta be there I just need him ... and somebody to get me out of these chains. RAMONDA T'Challa, what do you know of this? T'CHALLA I accept your challenge. W'Kabi looks at T'Challa closely . 81 . EXT. WARRIOR FALLS, CHALLENGE POOL - LATE AFTERNOON T'Challa and Killmonger stand opposite one another. Killmonger SNAPS OFF a spear ' s shaft with his foot and holds a SWORD to go with the SPEARHEAD. The Tribal Elders , W'Kabi , and the Dora look on from their respective places . Shuri watches with Ramonda , but the stands are entirely empty . ON SHURI AND RAMONDA SHURI He will never beat T' Challa . He should have just come to t he first challenge and gotten it over with . Ramonda looks concerned . She ' s not so sure. EXT. WARRIOR FALLS, CHALLENGE POOL - LATE AFTERNOON Zuri brings T'Challa the DEATH HERB and he repeats the process , poisoning T'Challa while Killmonger stares on silently . ZURI The King will now have the strength of the Black Pa nther stripped away . Staring T'Challa down, Killmonger suddenly turns to Zuri . They recognize each other. Zuri looks away ashamed. IN THE SEATING AREA Nakia arrives through a tunnel and wal ks up to Okoye , who turns to her . OKOYE Where is Agent Ross? NAKIA I locked him in the office . He's not going anywhere. IN THE CHALLENGE POOL T' Challa holds his short spear and shield. He stares at his cousin . T'CHALLA This is your last chance, thro w down your weapons and we can handle this another way. Killmonger slams his blades into the stone . KILLMON GER I lived my entire life waiting for this moment. I trained, I lied, I killed, just to get here. 82 . He takes off his vest and tears at his shirt, revealing the SCARIFICATION MARKS that go up his arm and across his entire back. They number in the hundreds . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) I killed in America, Afghanistan, Iraq . I took life from my own brothers and sisters right here on the continent . And all this death , just so I can kill you . T'Challa looks to Zuri and nods . ZURI (reluctant) Let the challenge begin . Killmonger tears forward with expert knife work and T'Challa with skilled defense . T'Challa PARRIES several strikes , countering with a LEG TAKE- DOWN but hesitates with his sword and doesn't strike as they roll toward the edge of the waterfall . Back on their feet , they circle , and Killmonger lunges at T'Challa who dodges. T'Challa manages to knock Killmonger off his feet , gaining the advantage . T'CHALLA Yield ! Killrnonger FEROCIOUSLY BOBS INSIDE , but T'Challa lunges at Killrnonger, giving him a superficial SLASH ACROSS his cheek. Fueled by rage, Killmonger begins to overpower T'Challa . He slices T'Challa ' s thigh . ON SHURI SHURI Snap out of it T'Challa! IN THE CHALLENGE POOL Wielding both blades , Killmonger slashes deep across T'Challa's stomach, then spins, CUTTING deep into his bicep. 83 . Hurt , T'Challa realizes his compassion was a mistake and he must fight back but blood leaks from his side. Killmonger dodges T'Challa ' s next attack . Stumbling , T'Challa is unable to avoid Killmonger's BLADE BEING THRUST into his ribs . The elders gasp as Ramonda looks away and Shuri just stares. EXT. WARRIOR FALLS, CHALLENGE POOL - LATE AFTERNOON Killmonger snatches the knife out. T'Challa can barely stand . Killmonger punches him . ON NAKIA NAKIA Get up . IN THE CHALLENGE POOL He continues to PUNCH T'CHALLA REPEATEDLY until he topples over. KILLMONGER This is for my father . Killmonger walks swiftly toward T'Challa to deliver his deathblow .. . only to have a guilt-ridden Zuri STOP HIM with his SPEAR, knocking his blade away . IN THE IN THE T'CHALLA Zuri , no . STANDS OKOYE Zuri . RAMONDA Zuri don ' t ! CHALLENGE POOL ZURI I am the cause of your father's death. Not him . Take me. Regrouping, Killrnonger grabs Zuri's spear . T'Challa labors to get up but can't . 84. KILLMONGER I'll take you both , Uncle James ... Killmonger skewers Zuri with his spear. Killmonger drives the spear in further and GRABBING THE BLADE with both hands in death, Zuri falls with it to the shallow water as T'Challa watches in utter torment . T'CHALLA Nol Zuri no! Zuri!! Noo! Fueled by rage, T'Challa lifts back up to his feet. He charges Killmonger , who ducks his attacks, while talking to the audience . KILLMON GER Is this your King? Huh? T'Challa swings his spear, Killmonger ducks . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Is this your King? The Black Panther , who's supposed to lead you into the future . ON SHURI, NAKIA, OKOYE AND AYO SHUR! Come on brother! Nakia looks on, trying to hide her tears with Okoye and Ayo . AYO Is there nothing that can be done? IN THE CHALLENGE POOL KILLMONGER Him? He's supposed to protect you. Killmonger ducks another attack from T'Challa and scoops him onto his shoulders . EXT. WARRIOR FALLS, CHALLENGE POOL - LATE AFTERNOON Killmonger walks to the edge of the challenge pool . ON NAKIA AND RAMONDA RAMONDA No. NA.KIA No! IN THE CHALLENGE POOL Killmonger heaves T'Challa off the waterfall. Staggered, everyone watches T'Challa DISAPPEAR BELOW to his death . Ramonda screams . KILLMONGER Nah . I'm your King . ON NA.KIA 85. Nakia shuttles Shuri and Ramonda into the caves while Okoye stays behind . NA.KIA We have to go now! Queen mother, let's go ! IN THE CHALLENGE POOL Staggered , the new Shaman gives him the Panther necklace . Everyone slowly salutes Killmonger . INT. TRIBAL COUNCIL ROOM - NIGHT The room seems empty until we come upon Okoye grieving alone . After a moment, the door opens and Okoye quickly wipes her eyes . Pulling it together , she stands as Nakia approaches. The two women silently take each other in , sharing in their sorrow . OKOYE The Queen Mother and Shuri ... they are safe? Nakia nods . NA.KIA Yes . OKOYE (in Xhosa) Thank you. NA.KIA We should get to them immediately . OKOYE (in Xhosa) I cannot . . . NAKIA What ... OKOYE Though my heart is with you . NAKIA We cannot turn over our nation to a man who showed up here only hours ago . OKOYE He is of royal blood. NAKIA He killed T' Challa . OKOYE In ritual combat . NAKIA Does that really matter? Okoye quiets . NAKIA (CONT'D) You are the greatest warrior Wakanda has . Help me overthrow him before he becomes too strong . Okoye stares at Nakia in disbelief. OKOYE Overthrow? ! Nakia , I am not a spy who can come and go as they so choose. I am loyal to the throne, no matter who sits upon it . What are you loyal to? NAKIA I loved him. I love my country too . OKOYE Then you serve your country. NAKIA No. I save my country . Nakia takes off. 86 . 87. INT. T'CHALLA'S OFFICE, ROYAL PALACE - NIGHT Ross walks around the office , admiring masks on the wall . He looks around as the door unlocks to Nakia, holding several blankets . Ross realizes something is wrong. ROSS What's wrong? Nakia tosses the blanket to Ross. NAKIA The King is dead . Come with me, unless you want to join him . Ross's heart sinks as . . . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT Killmonger enters and a Shaman guides him to a dirt plot where they begin to bury him . EXT. CITY OF THE DEAD JUNGLE OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT Shuri and Ramonda, wrapped in blankets as a disguise , sit on a log surrounded by a THICKET OF TREES. Grief stricken , they hold each other closely . SHUR! First Baba, and now my brother . Mama, we didn't even get to bury him . Ramonda doesn't have an answer. The women hear a rustle in the trees , Ramonda moves to protect Shuri, holding ONE OF NAKIA'S RINGBLADES as Nakia and Ross emerge from the foliage . Ramonda eyes Ross . NAKIA It's me. RAMONDA Nakia. Who is this man? NAKIA He's a friend of T' Challa's he saved my life . Ramonda studies Ross , then looks to Nakia. RAMONDA Where is Okoye? NAKIA Okoye is not corning . She and Dora Milaje will serve the new King. (beat) Wait here . RAMONDA What has happened to our Wakanda? 88 . Nakia turns and heads into an even thicker BATCH OF FOLIAGE. INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT A SHAMAN scoops water into the Heart Shaped Herb ceremonial vessel and grinds it . Killrnonger opens his mouth and she pours the solution in as his eyes slowly close . SHAMAN Allow the Heart Shaped Herb to give you the powers of the Black Panther and take you to the Ancestral Plane. EXT. LAKE MERRITT, OAKLAND - NIGHT - FLASHBACK We see the kids gazing up as an AIRCRAFT WITH STRANGE LIGHTS rises into the sky and speeds off . Young Killrnonger runs into the apartment complex . INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT - FLASHBACK YOUNG KILLMONGER enters to find N'Jobu's dead body on the floor. He runs over to his dad, cradling him in his arms , sobbing . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT They scoop dirt on top of Killrnonger's face . 89 . INT. N'JOBU'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Adult Killmonger enters his childhood apartment and sees the place where his father died . He walks over to the WALL HIDE and digs out a METAL STASH BOX. He breaks open the box and inside finds N'JOBU'S JOURNAL, cash and a pistol. Opening the diary, he finds details of Wakandan history and life, including drawings . He finds his father's RING on a necklace and puts it on . Then , Killmonger looks up and N'JOBU is sitting across from him alive . N'JOBU What did I tell you about going into my things? (playful smile) What did you find? Killmonger is now replaced by his younger self . YOUNG KILLMONGER Your home . N'JOBU I gave you a key hoping that you might see it someday . Young Killmonger flips down his lip , touching his Wakandan tattoo . N'Jobu N'JOBU (CONT'D) Yes. The sunsets there are the most beautiful in the world . But I fear you still may not be welcome . YOUNG KILLMONGER Why? N'JOBU They will say you are lost . YOUNG KILLMONGER But, I'm right here . doesn ' t have an answer for this . N'JOBU No tears for me? YOUNG KILLMONGER (cold) Everybody dies . It's just life around here . N'Jobu's gaze darkens with regret. N'JOBU Well look at what I have done. I should have taken you back long ago . 90. Young Killmonger has now been replaced by adult Killmonger, who sheds a tear . N'JOBU (CONT'D) Instead, we are both abandoned here. KILLMONGER Well maybe your home is the one that's lost . That's why they can't find us. N'Jobu stares at his son , heartbroken . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT Killmonger's eyes open - a new man . Powerful. And ready to conquer the world . He gasps for air . As he climbs to his feet encircled by Kingsguard and shamans . SHAMAN Breathe, my King . Breathe ! INT. CATACOMBS , CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT Nakia drops through a hole into the warren of tunnels, emerging in the ... INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT Reveling in the power of the Heart Shaped Herb, Killmonger walks toward a dirt plot filled with the HEART SHAPED HERBS. The shamans trail behind him . KILLMON GER The Heart Shaped Herb did that? The shaman nods. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) This is all of it? SHAMAN Yes . So when it comes time for another King, we will be ready . KILLMONGER Another King .. . yea go ahead and burn all that . 91. Alarmed , the shamans don't move, hoping Killmonger doesn't mean it ... but he does . SHAMAN My King , we cannot do that . It is our tradition -- Killmonger smiles , the n quick l y grabs the Shaman by the throat . KILLMONGER When I tell you to do something , I mean that shit . Burn it all ! He lets her go as she gasps for air . Shell-shocked , the shamans move into action . ON NAKIA Nakia digs out a flawless Heart Shaped Herb and in an instant darts back for the catacombs , glancing back at Killmonger from the shadows . INT. HALL OF KINGS, CITY OF THE DEAD - NIGHT Kil l monger stands in front of the dirt plots as the herb garden is engulfed in FLAMES around him . INT. TRIBAL COUNCIL ROOM - DAY Every Elder , the Border Tribe military leaders , including W'Kabi, the Kingsguard leaders , Okoye , and the Dora prepare for a council meeting. Killmonger strolls in , wearing the new gold panther necklace . KILLMONGER You know, where I'm from, when black folks started revolutions , they never had the firepower or resources to fight their oppressors . Where was Wakanda? Hmm? Yea all that ends today. We got spies embedded in every nation on Earth . Already in place . 92. Killmonger stands and walks looking each of them in the eye. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) I know how colonizers think. So we're gonna use their own strategy against them . We' re gonna send vibranium weapons out to our War Dogs . They'll arm oppressed people all over the world, so they can finally rise up and kill those in power, and their children and anyone else who takes their side . It ' s time they know the truth about us . We're warriors. The world's gonna start over and this time we're on top . Killmonger sits . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) The sun will never set on the Wakandan Empire. Okoye looks to W'Kabi . OKOYE Wakanda has survived for so long by fighting when only absolutely necessary. W'KABI Wakanda has survived in the past this way , yes. But the world is changing , General . Elders , it is getting smaller. The outside world is catching up and soon it will be the conquerors , or the conquered . I'd rather be the former . KILLMONGER You heard your orders. Let's get to it. W'Kabi salutes while Okoye looks on . 93 . EXT. JABARILAND OUTSKIRTS, WAKANDAN MOUNTAINS - MORNING Nakia leads Shuri, Ramonda and Ross through the bitter wind and harsh conditions . ROSS So where are we going again? NAKIA We're taking the Heart Shaped Herb to Jabariland . ROSS Heart Shaped Herb , what is that? SHURI It gives whoever takes it heightened abilities . NAKIA It's what made T'Challa so strong . Ramonda stops in her tracks. RAMONDA Nakia. I don't like this. The Herb belongs to us. We may be creating a bigger monster with M'Baku. (beat) Nakia , you should take it yourself. NAKIA I'm a spy with no army . I wouldn't stand a chance . RAMONDA We'll go . They keep walking. Suddenly , they are surrounded by MEMBERS OF THE JABARI ARMY. NAKIA Stay calm . INT. M'BAKU'S THRONE ROOM, JABARILAND - NIGHT M'Baku stares down from his throne at Nakia, Ramonda and Shuri . He glowers at Ross for a long beat, unnerving everyone, before finally turning to Ramonda . RAMONDA My son was murdered in ritual combat . M'BAKU Were the odds fair? NAKIA Yes, but . . . M'BAKU So, it was less a murder than a defeat? This irks Shuri. SHURI Do not rub our noses in it -- M'BAKU Silence! I make the pronouncements here, girl . ROSS Look uh, your highness, the new King is a -- M'Baku drowns out Ross' voice with loud barks. The surrounding Jabari follow suit . M'BAKU You cannot talk . One more word and I will feed you to my children . Ross looks petrified until M'Baku winks at Ramonda. M'BAKU (CONT'D) I'm kidding. We are vegetarians . Stepping in , Nakia pulls out the HEART SHAPED HERB. NAKIA Great Gorilla M'Baku. This is why we are here. To offer this to you. An outsider s i ts on our throne. Only you can help us stop him . M'Baku considers . His ego stroked. But .. . M'BAKU Come with me. INT. JABARI HEALING GROUNDS HUT - NIGHT 94 . M'Baku leads Nakia, Ross, Ramonda and Shuri to JABARI HEALERS working on T'Challa in a small hut in the sno w. NAKIA Impossible . (beat) Is he breathing? M'BAKU He is in a coma , barely clinging to life . 95 . EXT. RIVERBANK, JABARILAND - DAWN - FLASHBACK ONE DAY BEFORE A tough weathered JABARI FISHERMAN walks along a frigid river with his YAK. M' BAKU ( V . 0 . ) One of our fishermen found him at the edge of the river border. He brought him to me. The yak pulls a wooden sleigh carrying T'Challa's body , toward Jabariland . INT. JABARI HEALING GROUNDS HUT - NIGHT M'Baku, Ramonda , Nakia, Ross , and Shuri remain standing over T'Challa in the snow. SHURI Why do you have him in the snow? ! M' BAKU It is the only thing keeping him from joining the ancestors . SHURI We need to get him to my lab! I can heal him there . M'BAKU Take him. He' ll be dead in seconds. RAMONDA Nakia , the Herb . Ramonda takes the herb from Nakia and pushes past M'Baku who looks on. RAMONDA (CONT'D) I call upon the ancestors. I call upon Bast . I am here with my son T'Challa . Heal him . We must bury him . 96. Resigned, Shuri and Nakia watch closely sitting down next to her as Ramonda performs the ritual on T'Challa, pouring the solution in his mouth, while praying in Xhosa , then scooping the snow atop his body . RAMONDA (CONT'D) (in Xhosa) Praise the ancestors . NAKIA (in Xhosa) Praise the ancestors . ROSS (in Xhosa) Praise the ancestors. SHURI (in Xhosa) Praise the ancestors. NAKIA Wake up, T'Challa . Wake up . EXT. BLACK PANTHER ANCESTRAL PLANE - DAY T'Chaka beckons T'Challa toward several other black panthers and people in the distance. T'CHAKA (in Xhosa) My son . He looks at his ancestors. T'CHAKA (CONT'D) The time has come for you to come home and be reunited with me. Why? T'CHALLA (in Xhosa) (in English) Why didn't you bring the boy home? T'Chaka looks back at him . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Why, Baba? T' CHAKA He ... he was the truth I chose to omit . T'CHALLA You were wrong to abandon him . T'CHAKA I chose my people . I chose Wakanda . Our future depended on -- T'CHALLA You were wrong ! All of you were wrong ! To turn your backs on the rest of the world . We let the fear of our discovery stop us from doing what is right . No more! I cannot stay here with you. I cannot rest while he sits on the throne . He is a monster of our own making . I must take the mantle back , I must. I must right these wrongs . 97 . T'Chaka looks at his son , his disappointment giving way to a proud smile . INT. JABARI HEALING GROUNDS HUT - NIGHT T'Challa suddenly awakens and is pulled from the snow by Ramonda unsure where he is . T'CHALLA Do you have a blanket? They embrace. T'Challa turns to see Nakia and Shuri as well. The four of them embrace as M'Baku looks on . INT. M'BAKU'S THRONE ROOM, JABARILAND - DAY Our entire team of heroes : T'Challa , Nakia , Shuri , Ramonda , Ross talk . NAKIA Killmonger has the full support of our military . And he burned the garden of the Heart Shaped Herb. ROSS Of course he did . The T'Challa turns to Ross . ROSS (CONT'D) That's what he was trained to do. His unit used to work with the CIA to destabilize foreign countries . (MORE) ROSS (CONT' D) They would always strike at transitions of power ... like an election year or the death of a monarch. You get control of government, the military T'CHALLA Our resources . The Great Mound. SHURI Our vibranium . All of my designs . T' CHALLA He will send our weapons all over the world . T' Challa turns to Nakia . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) (motioning to Shuri and Ramonda) You must get them out of Wakanda safely . RAMONDA What? SHURI What about you? T'CHALLA The challenge will have to continue . RAMONDA T' Challa , we will not leave Wakanda. T' CHALLA It is my duty to keep you safe . SHURI If he gets control of our technology , no where will be safe . 98 . Shuri pulls T'Challa's PANTHER TOOTH NECKLACE from her pocket and places it on his neck . T'Challa smiles . SHURI (CONT'D) The Black Panther lives . And when he fights for the fate of Wakanda I will be right there beside him . NAKIA As will I. 99. T'Challa smiles he looks to Nakia and Ramonda who looks back at him with confidence . ROSS I'm in too. The Wakandans cut Ross a look ROSS (CONT'D) What? You're gonna need all the help you can get. The Wakandans smile at Ross as M'Baku interrupts . M'BAKU Are you done? Are you - are you done? T'CHALLA Could you give me and Lord M' Baku a moment? Everyone exits and M'Baku gazes at T'Challa . T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Thank you. M'BAKU I owed you a great debt. A life for a life. Consider it paid . T'CHALLA Please allow my mother to stay here . M'BAKU No harm wi l l come to her I give you my word. T'CHALLA You know I could use an army as well. M'BAKU (laughs) I bet you could . But no . I will give no Jabari lives towards your cause . T'CHALLA It is our cause . It is for all of us . M'BAKU Us? You are the first King to come here in centuries . And now you speak of us? T'CHALLA I cannot speak for past Kings . But an enemy sits on the throne right now. We both know the power of vibraniurn . If Killmonger gets control of it, who do you think he will come for next? M'Baku sits . M'BAKU We will not help you . T' Challa walks out , leaving M'Baku to think . INT. VIBRANIUM MINE- DOWNSHAFT 100 . A train car carrying carts full of vibranium moves across the ground, it then takes a turn up the sides and up to the surface out to--- EXT. MT. BASHENGA, TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Where several BORDER TRIBE WARRIORS and KINGSGUARD load the cargo onto the bottom of a TALON FIGHTER. The Dora Milaje keep watch in the distance . Killmonger, dressed in casual clothes , his gold panther toothed necklace exposed. With W'Kabi and Okoye flanking him , he walks around watching impatiently as cargo is revealed to be being loaded up onto an entire FLEET of WAKANDAN AIRCRAFT. W'KABI Everything is on schedule. KILLMONGER Have the spies been alerted? W'KABI Yes. Some have been resistant to our new mission . But the War Dogs in London , New York and Hong Kong are standing by . KILLMON GER We'll strike there first . The others will come around . Killmonger picks up a Kingsguard spear. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Look at this. A handheld sonic cannon powerful enough to stop a tank . Untraceable by metal detectors, and we got thousands of 'em. The world's gonna find out exactly who we are . 101. Across from them, a TALON FIGHTER takes off, loaded with cargo . Killmonger watches, then turns to W'Kabi. As they smile the talon fighter EXPLODES in the air above them, startling Killmonger, W'Kabi, Okoye and the remaining Wakandans . They watch in shock as the debris rains down from the sky . Killmonger looks closely , trying to make something out. EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Killmonger , Okoye, and W'Kabi line up at the lip of the great mound, surrounded by hundreds of Border Tribesmen they look on with confusion as . . • Several hundred yards away, at the foot of the mountain , PANTHER EMERGES FROM THE WRECKAGE, suit engaged in all of his glory. He starts walking towards the top of the hill . Okoye smiles . ON PANTHER OKOYE He lives . .. As he walks closer to the lip of the mound and retracts his mask . T'CHALLA N'Jadakalll ! KILLMON GER Wassup? T'CHALLA I never yielded, and as you can see, I am not dead . KILLMONGER All that challenge shit is over with . I'm the King now. (turns to Kingsguard) Get those planes in the air ! Carry out the mission ! T'CHALLA (into comm) Shuri, now! SHURI (O. S. ) Copy that . INT. SHURI'S LAB, HALLWAY, MT. BASHENGA - DAY 102 . Wearing Blanket disguises , Nakia , Ross and Shuri duck around a corner , avoiding detection by a group of Border Tribesmen running outside. SHURI (CONT'D) Go! Go go go go go ! Come on , Ross ! EXT. MT BASHENGA, TOP OF HILL - DAY Killmonger stands with W'Kabi at the top of the mound . KILLMONGER W'Kabi , kill this clown . OKOYE W'Kabi , the challenge is not complete . BORDER TRIBE COMMANDER What will we do? The Border Tribe soldiers look on at T'Challa and grow visibly nervous. W'KABI Border Tribe ! BORDER TRIBE Ay ! Ay 1 W'KABI Phambili ! W'Kabi pulls his sword and triggers the SONIC FIELD around it . He points it towards T'Challa and the Border Tribesmen line up in a battle formation and charge towards T' Challa . A Dragonflyer takes off overhead and leads the charge downhill . Okoye turns to Killmonger . OKOYE You! Your heart is so full of hatred you are not fit to be a King . 103 . She slams her spear and the Dora fall in line behind her as Killmonger stares her down . Killmonger pulls his blades, and activates his PANTHER SUIT from his necklace as Talon Fighters take off in the background . OKOYE (CONT' D) Ayo. The King. Some of the Dora take off down the hill to fight for T'Challa . Okoye calls for the attack . One of the Dora jumps at Killmonger Panther followed by another Dora. They attack. A third Dora jumps and side kicks Killmonger Panther . DOWNHILL The DRAGONFLYER overtakes the Border Tribesmen and begins shooting sonic blasts at T'Challa, that create a large impact on the ground as he runs . The Border Tribesmen continue to run down towards T'Challa and fall into a PHALANX FORMATION. The VIBRANIUM STITCHING on their blankets activates and high tech sonic shields emerge from the blankets and build on each other . The shields stretch out and up , making a barrier impossible for Panther to pass . Panther SUPER JUMPS over the sonic shield as it rises hurdling barely escaping it ' s vertical edge . He lands behind the 1ST WAVE of Border Tribesmen , delivering a massive sonic blow that sends them flying as well as lifting some of the spilled spears into the air. Panther grabs a spear and with expert precision throws it at the Dragon Flyer . The spear explodes on impact, sending the DRAGONFLYER careening towards the ground right over T'Challa's head. 104 . W'Kabi sees this and leads the charge of the 2ND WAVE of Border Tribesmen down towards T'Challa , and they engage him swinging their blades wildly and using their shields to corner him . Ayo and the Dora collide with the 2ND WAVE of Border Tribesmen, fighting them off with precision . Engaging with the Border Tribesmen , T'Challa lands a hard blow on W' Kabi that sends him back through the grass . T'CHALLA W'Kabi stop this ! Stop this now! W' Kabi runs on top of a large rock to ga i n a vantage point , and pulls out a large HORN. T' CHALLA (CONT' D) NOO!! W'Kabi blows on the horn . We push in on the DRAGONFLYER WRECKAGE , as a rumbling sound is heard . Suddenly ARMORED RHINO #1 crashes through the bit of the wreckage wearing a RED BLANKET. Then a second RHINO, ARMORED RHINO #2 , crashes through the other side , bigger and faster than the last and wearing a WHITE BLANKET. The camera continues to push in as BOOM, the Dragonflyer is split into two and M20, W'Kabi ' s personal rhino , emerges right towards camera . The Border Tribesmen lift their swords and cheer as the Rhinos run past them . W'Kabi hops on , and goes right for the pack of DORA, sending a third of them FLYING! INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKAND A DESIGN GROUP - DAY Shuri , Nakia , and Ross are now throwing off their disguises. to rise , reveal i ng a new tech communication devices . SHUR! runnin g down the ramp , Shuri motions for a SAND TABLE armor rack . She grabs the Nakia and I will get control of the Royal Talon with this . ROSS Ok, so what do I do? Shuri slips a kimoyo bead bracelet on Ross ' hand . SHUR! You will have to fly it . ROSS What? SHUR! You were a great pilot . Don't worry , I'll guide you through it . It's just like riding a hoverbike. ROSS You guys have hoverbikes? 105 . Shuri raises a sand table. She hurries back to the first table , grabs the gauntlets and points out some Dora armor . SHUR! Nakia, take that . NAKIA I'm not a Dora. SHUR! Just put it on, it's armor ! Shuri runs up the ramp . Nakia begrudgingly grabs the DORA MILAJE UNIFORM and runs after her . SHUR! (CONT'D) Good luck , Agent Ross! ROSS Yea I don ' t know what I'm doing -- NAKIA We're counting on you! EXT. MT. BASHENGA, TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Okoye jumps over and throws her spear at Killmonger , it bounces off , Okoye catches in stride. She's on the attack. The Dora Milaje advance on Killmonger, but DORA MILAJE #1 strikes too quick l y , and Killmonger uses his superior strength and speed to grab her mid-strike, using her as a shield to hold off Okoye and the other Dora. DORA MILAJE 1 Wakanda Forever . Killmonger then slits her throat with his vibranium sword . Okoye, devastated , leads another attack on Killmonger . 106 . EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY As Nakia and Shuri sneak out onto the deck , and plant the Kimoyo bead puck on the RTF. INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDA DESIGN GROUP - DAY Ross paces waiting for word from Shuri or Nakia about what to do, when suddenly the SAND TABLE drops to the ground, revealing an F- 16 cockpit . GRIOT (O.S . ) Remote piloting system activated . SHURI (O. S.) I made it American style for you ! Get in ! Ross hops in and starts up the ship. EXT. MT. BASHENGA LANDING PAD - DAY The RTF clumsily takes off, its thrusters blowing back two Kingsguard pilots . SHURI/NAKIA Yes !! SHURI (into cornms) Go! We can't let those weapons get beyond Wakanda . INT. SHURI'S LAB, COCKPIT - DAY ROSS Alright , I'm on it . EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY The RTF starts in one direction does au-turn and TAKES off after the other ships . DOWNHILL T'Challa runs full speed next to RHINO #2 swings around its horn and does a takedown maneuver causing the Rhino to fall into the TRENCH left by the wing of the TALON FIGHTER. T'Challa flips out of the trench while the Rhino is trapped by the steep incline . EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY 107 . Killmonger is surrounded by Okoye and two Dora . They continue to back him up with synchronized hits , until they surround him with a TRIPLE SPEAR TRAP around his neck . OKOYE (in Xhosa) Lock! Get him down! They tighten their grip around his neck. OKOYE (CONT'D) (in Xhosa) Get the necklace! But Killmonger drops to his knees and expels his suit's kinetic energy , blowing the Dora down the hill . Nakia takes off to ward Killmonger . NAKIA Wakanda Forever !! He moves towards them with rage in his eyes . He engages Shuri and Nakia in battle , Nakia holds her own with her advanced ringblades while Shuri strafes from the side with her panther gaunt l ets-- shooting Killmonger from a distance . INT. SHURI'S LAB, COCKPIT - DAY Ross flies the RTF over Wakanda, and sees the group of aircraft in the distance . ROSS Ok Shuri , I got 'em what do I do? SHUR! ( 0. S . ) Shoot them down genius! ROSS Alright ... Ross places his hands on the firing mechanism . ROSS (CONT'D) Here goes nothing . A RED TARGETING CURSOR pops up on the display . Ross reacts , then guides the cursor over the cargo ship, and fires ! EXT. WAKANDAN AIRSPACE 108. The RTF goes into battle mode . Weapons pop out from opening all over the craft in quick succession . The RTF launches a SONIC BLAST that tears through the wing of the first cargo ship. Causing it to spiral down into the docking shores below . INT. SHURI' S LAB, COCKPIT - DAY Ross watches as the cargo ship drops . ROSS Alright , I got 'em. EXT. WAKANDAN AIRSPACE The DRAGONFLYER PILOTS see the cargo ship drop and turn back around towards the RTF. THREE DRAFONGFLYERS immediately begin firing at the RTF. ROSS (CONT'D) Oh shit shit shit . EXT. MT. BASHENGA - DAY Panther tangles with the Border Tribe , but is suddenly SMASHED in the back by M20 and is sent flying through the air, and into a large rock . EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Killmonger lands two hard swiping blows on Nakia , slashing her arm and her leg , then throws her down the hill , leaving him alone with Shuri , who BLASTS AWAY at Killmonger, until he suddenly springs at her, GRABBING HER GAUNTLETS WITH HIS CLAWS and BREAKS THEM! DOWNHILL On the ground, Panther is suddenly swarmed by Border Tribesmen and PINNED DOWN, stabbed, kicked and slashed with blades by the mob. He sees Killmonger in the distance closing in on Shuri , and then expels the kinetic energy in his suit and . . . WHAM! ! ! T'CHALLA Shuri I! The DOG PILE is LAUNCHED off through the air ! ON KILLMONGER AND SHUR! KILLMON GER What's up, Princess? SHUR! You' ll never be a true King. 109 . Killmonger ominously edges closer and flips his broken SPEAR preparing to go in for the kill when ... Shuri DUCKS as Panther TACKLES KILLMONGER IN THE BACK, sending them both plunging down into the mine shaft! SHUR! (CONT'D) Brother ! ! INT. VIBRANIUM MINE SHAFT - DAY Both falling down the massive cavern , Panther and Killmonger fight on their way down . INT. VIBRANIUM MINE BOTTOM - DAY Panther crashes to the bottom of the vibranium mine, wounded . Panther rolls over and barely dodges a knee drop from Killmonger . Killmonger and T'Challa exchange blows, Killmonger getting the better of T'Challa in his exposed areas, while T'Challa is getting nowhere. They both go for a super punch and knock each other back. T'Challa lands on his back and looks up at the sonic stabilizer . He radios to Shuri . T'CHALLA Shuri ! SHUR! ( 0. S . ) Brother ! T'CHALLA Turn on the train on the bottom track! SHUR! ( 0. S • ) But the stabilizers will deactivate your suit ... you won't have protection ! T'CHALLA Neither will he. SHURI Okay ! EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Shuri activates a button on her Kimoyo beads . INT. VIBRANIUM MINE BOTTOM - DAY 110 . In the vibranium mine , down the track from Panther and Killmonger's fight , we see a light come on in the train port . As they fight , the panels light up in succession, and we see a silent , Maglev train hurdling right at them . Both fighters evade the train at the last second as the train whips past , creating a barrier between them too big to jump over. T'Challa stands up as his suit partially retracts into his necklace leaving his skin exposed . Killmonger , on the other side of the train , looks at his malfunctioning suit in confusion . He turns and looks back at the stabilizer . KILLMON GER I don't need a suit to kill you . They look at each other from across the blinding fast train . KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Your reign is over. You sat up here safe and protected. T'CHALLA You want to see us become just like the people you hate so much? Divide and conquer the land as they did? KILLMON GER No I learn from my enemies -- beat them at their own game . T'CHALLA You have become them . You will destroy the world, Wakanda included . KILLMONGER The world took away everything away from me! Everything I ever loved ! But I'm gonna make sure we're even. (MORE) KILLMONGER (CONT'D) I'm gonna track down anyone who would even think about being loyal to you , and I'm gonna put they ass in the dirt , right next to Zuri. 111. Hatred flashes over T'Challa's eyes as he reengages his mask and the train clears. Killmonger engages his mask , and they leap at each other again . EXT. MT. BASHENGA, TOP OF THE HILL - DAY Shuri moves to Nakia's side and helps her up. SHURI Nakia! Are you alright? NAKIA I'm ok . You? SHURI Yes . NAKIA Let's go . They join the fight with Okoye and Ayo. INT. SHURI'S LAB, COCKPIT - DAY Ross begins maneuvering the controls like an expert pilot. He guides the ship through a canyon, chasing the remaining CARGO SHIP , while firing at the THREE DRAGONFLYERS that are all attempting to take him down. ROSS Shuri, I've lost one of them but two are on my tail . EXT. WAKANDAN CANYON The CARGO SHIP hurdles ahead, while the RTF navigates DRAGONFLER BLASTS and ROCK OUTCROPPINGS. INT. SHURI'S LAB, WAKANDAN DESIGN GROUP The building begins to shake as Ross, confused . ROSS What the hell was that? GRIOT (O.S . ) The lab is under attack . ROSS What? Where? GRIOT (O. S.) Deactivating hologram . 112 . The display in front of Ross comes down, revealing A MASSIVE DRAGONFLYER FIRING SONIC BLASTS outside of the windows of the lab. Ross jumps at the sight of this . Realizing he is now sitting in a death trap. SHURI ( 0. S . ) Ross! You have to get out of there now! ROSS How long have I got? GRIOT (O. S . ) Glass integrity is at 50% Ross looks at the window and thinks about it for a beat . He re-grips the pilot handles. ROSS Put me back in. SHURI (O.S . ) Ross ! Ross? ! The ship projection comes back up , and Ross continues to fly. EXT. MT. BASHENGA, TOP OF THE HILL - DAY As our heroes fight , the Border Tribesmen continue to use their advanced shields to close them off into an impenetrable circle . Okoye looks around, searching for an option for escape through the sea of Border Tribesmen . We find W' Kabi in the distance perched atop M20 looking back at her . W'KABI Surrender now ! You have three seconds to lay down your weapons ! 113 . Okoye looks back resolute . W'KABI (CONT'D) One ... two . • . The sound of an attack is heard from behind W'Kabi . LOUD CHANTS seemingly come from every direction as the entire perimeter of the Border Tribe is showing signs of being breached. Shuri , Okoye , Nakia , and Ayo look around confused , as one of the interior shield holding Border Tribesmen is suddenly lifted up by his collar , his shield disappearing as a result . We tilt up to r evea l M'Baku holding him with one hand and SI X Jabari warriors behind him . M'BAKU Witness the might of the Jabari firsthand ! M'Baku throws the border Tribesman into the sonic shield and we go around the horn to see the JABARI WARRIORS tearing through the border tribe perimeter with their wooden weapons. M'Baku , seeing the breaks in the interior shield calls for his troops to move forward . M'BAKU (CONT'D) Abya ! ! ! ! He jumps down from the rock followed by his troops . Okoye sees this and calls her troops forward. OKOYE Phambili ! ! ! ! Okoye leads the women forward through the gaps in the shield. M' Baku breaks through , swinging his knobkerrie to change the tide of the battle. M'BAKU Abya ! ! ! INT. VIBRANIUM MINE BOTTOM - DAY Killmonger and Panther continue to brawl . Killmonger lands a deadly headbutt and an oncoming train knocks them both to opposite sides of the track. As the train passes , Killmonger picks up the knife that fell into the mines along with them ... 114. EXT. WAKANDAN AIRSPACE - DAY The RTF does battle with the DRAGONFLYERS, using the sonic blasters to shoot down two of them, but taking significant damage . Ross has a clear line of sight to the last Talon Fighter . GRIOT (O. S.) Glass integrity is at 15%. The two remaining Dragonflyers shoot vibranium drills into the hobbled RTF, slowing it down and allowing the Talon Fighter to pull away . The drills send an electronic pulse into the RTF. GRIOT (O.S . ) (CONT'D) Critical weapons failure. ROSS Shuril The last cargo ship is almost at the border , but they've got me trapped with some kind of cables . SHURI (O. S. ) Make an X with your arms! Confused , Ross crosses his fists in front of him. GRIOT (O. S. ) Sonic overload initiated. SHURI (O. S.) Now break it! Ross swings his arms open. EXT. WAKANDAN AIRSPACE - DAY The RTF lights charge up to the max and emit a powerful explosion of sonic energy- decimating the cables along with the dragonflyers they are attached to . The RTF lights go dead , and the massive ship begins to drop out of the sky , falling end over end towards the ground below . GIOT (O. S. ) System rebooting in 5 , 4, 3, 2 ... The RTF falls closer and closer to the ground . A bead of sweat drips off of Ross' temple . 115 . GRIOT (O.S.) l . .. system rebooted ! EXT. WAKANDAN BORDER REGION - DAY The RTF lights come back on , and the sonic emitters at the bottom of the ship kick back into full capacity, causing the RTF to stop on a dime, hovering 12 feet from the ground. The sheer force from the sonic emission cracks the ground leaving a cymatic signature . INT. SHURI'S LAB, COCKPIT - DAY Ross punches it- heading straight for the last cargo ship . EXT. WAKANDAN AIRSPACE - DAY The cargo ship makes it over the last mountain of the Wakandan border and activates the cloaking technology. The RTF guns in the air at a 45 degree angle and BAM, it explodes as it collides with CARGO SHIP , deactivating its cloaking mode , causing pieces of the RTF and the CARGO SHIP to rain down over the Wakandan border . INT. SHURI'S LAB - COCKPIT - DAY Ross's cockpit disintegrates back into a pile of sand . Ross drops into it . ROSS Yes ! We did it ! SHUR! Great! Now get out of there! Ross gets up and heads towards the ramp in the lab , as the glass blows out. EXT. MT. BASHENGA , TOP OF THE HILL - DAY M'Baku , surrounded by Border Tribesmen is held up while W'Kabi atop M20 comes charging straight at him , giving him nowhere to go , but at the last second, Okoye steps in front of M'Baku , staring M20 down who gallops towards her , and stops at the very last second , his horn inches from Okoye's face , M20 licks her face lovingly . 116 . W'Kabi dismounts and approaches Okoye slowly. Okoye points her spear at him. OKOYE Drop your weapon . W'KABI Would you kill me, my love? OKOYE For Wakanda? (she draws her weapon) Without question . W'Kabi sees the fire in Okoye's eyes . He looks around at the battlefie l d where the remaining Border Tribesmen are surrendering to the Jabari and Dora . W'Kabi looks at Okoye for long beat, then throws his sword into the dirt and kneels in front of her . INT. VIBRANIUM MINE BOTTOM - DAY Killmonger slashes at T' Challa with the spear , backing T' Challa up towards the lip of the track . As the train comes speeding towards them, both their suits retract , and T'Challa holds Killmonger off as Killmonger pushes the blade of the spear towards his face . KILLMON GER This is it for you , cousin . T'Challa turns towards the train and sees that it is about to end. He lets Killmonger swing towards him and dodges , backing up even closer to the edge of the track, and Killmonger swings again - but this time T'Challa punches Killmonger's arm , jarring the blade lose and sending it flying up into the air. T'Challa then does a ROLLING ARM BAR TAKEDOWN as the BROKEN SPEAR flips through the air. We track with the spear as the SONIC STABILIZATION FIELD turns off , and the train passes the two fighters . As the BROKEN SPEAR drops T'Challa catches it with his right hand and slams it into Killmonger's chest, just as both their suits form around them . Killmonger removes his helmet , then looks down at the blade that is buried in his chest . T'Challa, realizing this is it , removes his mask as well. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) Hell of a move . Killmonger struggles to breathe. KILLMONGER (CONT'D) My pops said Wakanda was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He promised he was going to show it to me some day . Can you believe that? Kid from Oakland running around believing in fairy tales. 117 . Killmonger winces from the pain . T'Challa stands and picks Killmonger up , dragging him to his feet . INT. VIBRANIUM MINE ELEVATOR - DAY T'Challa supports Killmonger as both men ride a vibranium lift towards the mouth of the mine . EXT. MT. BASHENGA - SUNSET T'Challa stands at the top of the great mound next to Killmonger who is kneeling . Watching the sun creep down behind the horizon. KILLMONGER It's beautiful . T'Challa thinks for a long beat. T'CHALLA Maybe we can still heal you . Killmonger thinks on this . KILLMONGER Why? So you can just lock me up? Nah . Just bury me in the ocean, with my ancestors that jumped from the ships . . . 'cause they knew death was better than bondage. Killmonger pulls the knife out of his chest, killing himself instantly. T'Challa looks down at his cousin's now lifeless body and becomes emotional. INT. TRIBAL COUNCIL ROOM - DAY In full royal regalia , T'Challa strolls in with confidence . 118 . Shuri , Ramonda , the Dora, including Okoye , Ayo and all of the Elders, even M'Baku, are present . EXT. STEP TOWN, GOLDEN CITY - MORNING T'Challa and Nakia stand together. T'CHALLA Thank you. You saved me. You saved my family . Our nation. NAKIA There is nothing to thank me for. It is our duty to . .. it was my duty to fight for what I love . I should have -- T'Challa kisses her . T'CHALLA You can't blame me I almost died . Nakia looks at him deeply, and kisses him back. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Stay . I think I know a way you can still fulfill your calling. Please stay. Nakia looks at T' Challa with curious eyes. She kisses him . EXT. LAKE MERRITT APARTMENT COMPLEX, OAKLAND-DAY T'Challa and Shuri, dressed in subtle clothing , look at the now abandoned apartment building . In the distance a group of SIX KIDS (mostly Black, some Latino), play three on a rugged basketball hoop . SHURI When you said you would take me to California for the first time, I thought you meant Coachella, or Disneyland . Why here? T'CHALLA This is where our father killed our uncle. Shuri looks at T'Challa, shocked by his bluntness. She turns and stares closely at the building. We see her POV of large SIGNAGE that hints that the building is soon to be demolished . SHURI They are tearing it down. Good. T'CHALLA They're not tearing it down . . . I bought this building. Shuri turns to him confused . T' CHALLA (CONT'D) And that building , and that one over there ... This will be the first Wakandan International Outreach Center . Shuri smiles at the surprise. T'CHALLA (CONT'D) Nakia will oversee the social outreach ... And you will spearhead the science and information exchange . Shuri turns to T'Challa in shock at what this means. SHURI You're kidding ! 119. T'Challa hits a button on his Kimoyo bead , and the RTF comes out of cloaking , revealing itself to have been parked behind the kids playing basketball . A YOUNG BLACK KID turns back to see the ship as the other kids collectively lose their shit . OAKLAND KID #1 What? ! Man what the hell is that? OAKLAND KID #2 That's like a Buggati space ship ! OAKLAND KID #3 Woah, it came out of nowhere !!! Did y'all see that? YOUNG BLACK KID What . .. They start to run up to the ship and touch it . Unsure at first . OAKLAND KID #1 (O.S.) We can take this back to the house y'all. . . OAKLAND KID #2 (O. S.) We could pull up to school in this ! OAKLAND KID #3 (O. S. ) Hey look , we can break it apart and we can sell it! OAKLAND KID #2 (O. S. ) On Ebay! OAKLAND KID #3 Everybody get like a million a piece . 120 . She starts off towards the kids, walking past the Young Black Kid. SHUR! ( 0. S . ) Uhhh I wouldn't do that if I were you guys ... OAKLAND KID #1 (O.S . ) Where you come from? SHUR! ( 0 . S . ) From Wakanda . OAKLAND KID #1 (O. S. ) What is a Wakanda? The Young Black Kid approaches T'Challa . YOUNG BLACK KID Hey yo ! Is this yours? YOUNG BLACK KID (CONT'D) Who ... who are you? T'Challa thinks on this and smiles . TAG 1 CUT TO TITLE: BLACK PANTHER INT. UNITED NATIONS ASSEMBLY BUILDING, ROTUNDA - DAY T'Challa walks , flanked by Nakia, Okoye and Ayo. 121 . INT . UNITED NATIONS ASSEMBLY BUILDING - DAY Several assembly members move around the room preparing for a meeting . Suddenly a hush falls over the hall as the Wakandans enter and walk up to the center pit. T'CHALLA My name is King T'Challa , son of King T'Chaka . I am the sovereign ruler of the Nation of Wakanda and for the first time in our history we will be sharing our knowledge and resources with the outside world. Wakanda will no longer watch from the shadows . We cannot , we must not. We will work to be an example of how we as brothers and sisters on this Earth should treat each other . Now more than ever , illusions of division threaten our very existence. We all know the truth : more connects us than separates us . In times of crisis , the wise build bridges , while the foolish build barriers . We must find a way to look after one another, as if we were one single tribe . The audience of WORLD LEADERS look around , bemused, wondering what Wakanda could possibly have to offer . A FRENCH AMBASSADOR can't help but lean into his microphone . FRENCH AMBASSADOR With all due respect , King T'Challa , what can a nation of farmers offer to the rest of the world? There are a few chuckles from the gallery . Nakia , Okoye and Ayo share a look. T'Challa smiles . TAG 2 INT. WAKANDAN MEDICINE HUT - DAY Open on three NECROPOLITAN CHILDREN WITH PAINTED FACES looming directly over something, staring with curiosity . 122 . The camera moves, startling the children who quickly flee the hut . EXT. WAKANDAN MEDICINE HUT - CONTINUOUS The kids race out of the hut and over to Shuri. SHURI Are you playing around with that man again? WAKANDAN CHILD No. Nol SHURI You're teasing him again? Bucky exits the hut to the sight of a beautiful Wakandan lakeside. He takes it all in with a deep breath . Outside the hut are WAKANDAN SHAMAN (Man and Woman) and SHURI, embracing the three giggling CHILDREN. TWO DORA MILAJE observe Shuri from a close distance. WAKANDAN CHILDREN Emhlophe Ingcuka. (white wolf) Bucky settles next to Shuri taking in her view of the lake. SHURI Good morning , Sgt . Barnes . BUCKY Bucky . SHURI How are you feeling? BUCKY Good. Thank you. Shuri smiles. SHURI Come. Much more for you to learn. He follows Shuri towards the other huts.

{"title": "Black Panther"}

marvel/pdunton

(first lines; in the Arctic) [Search Team Leader] Are you the guys from Washington? [SHIELD Tech] You get many other visitors out here? [SHIELD Lieutenant] How long have you been on site? [Search Team Leader] Since this morning. A Russian oil team called it in about 18 hours ago. [SHIELD Lieutenant] How come nobody spotted it before? [Search Team Leader] It’s really not that surprising. This landscape’s changing all the time. You got any ideas what this thing is exactly? [SHIELD Lieutenant] I don’t know. It’s probably a weather balloon. [Search Team Leader] I don’t think so. You know we don’t have the equipment for a job like this. [SHIELD Tech] How long before we can start craning it out? [Search Team Leader] I don’t think you quite understand. You guys are gonna need one hell of a crane! (as the shot widens we see a massive frozen ship revealed) (after breaking into the metal aircraft) [SHIELD Lieutenant] (speaking into his comm) Base, we’re in. (looking around) What is this? (The technician nearly slipps on the ice covering the ground) Careful. [SHIELD Tech] (finding the frozen shield of Captain America) Lieutenant! What is it? [SHIELD Lieutenant] My God! (into his earpiece) Base, give me a line to the Colonel. [Voice from Earpiece] It’s 3 a.m., sir. [SHIELD Lieutenant] I don’t care what time it is. This one’s waited long enough. (March 1942 Tønsberg, Norway) (a villager, Jan, is running to a church) [Jan] (subtitled) They have come for it! [Tower Keeper] (subtitled) They have before. [Jan] (subtitled) Not like this. [Tower Keeper] (subtitled) Let them come. They will never find it. (rumbling is heard and something breaks down the door, the stones killing Jan) (the tower keeper closes Jan’s eyes and sees a machine moving away as HYDRA agents come in) (a car drives up with the HYDRA symbol on the hood) (HYDRA agents try to lift the lid of a coffin) [Hydra Lieutenant] Open it! Quickly, before he… [Johann Schmidt] It has taken me a long time to find this place. (to the Tower Keeper) You should be commended. (to one of his soldiers) Help him up. (one of the soldiers helps the tower keeper to his feet) [Johann Schmidt] I think that you are man of great vision. And in this way we are much alike. [Tower Keeper] I am nothing like you. [Johann Schmidt] No, of course. But what others see as superstition, you and I know to be a science. [Tower Keeper] What you seek is just a legend. [Johann Schmidt] Then why make such an effort to conceal it? (opens an old tomb and picks up the glass cube from the skeletal remains of an old Viking) The Tesseract was the jewel of Odin’s treasure room. (he turns to face the tower keeper and deliberately drops and smashes the glass cube) It’s not something one buries. But I think it is close, yes? [Tower Keeper] I cannot help you. [Johann Schmidt] No. But maybe you can help your village. You must have some friends out there. Some… some little grandchildren perhaps. I have no need for them to die. (A big tank outside turns his guns towards the village threateningly.) (referring to the carving of the tree on one of the tower walls) [Johann Schmidt] Yggdrasil. Tree of the world. Guardian of wisdom and fate, also. (he presses a button on the carving of the tree and it opens up to reveal the real cube) And the Führer digs for trinkets in the desert. You have never seen this, have you? [Tower Keeper] It’s not for the eyes of ordinary men. [Johann Schmidt] Exactly. (he closes the box containing the glowing cube and turns to his soldiers) Gove the order to open fire. [Hydra Lieutenant] Jawohl! (Yes!) [Tower Keeper] Fool! You cannot control the power you hold. You will burn! [Johann Schmidt] I already have. (He shoots and kills the tower keeper) (In New York, at the enrollment facility.) [4F Doctor] (off-screen) O’Connel, Michael. Kaminsky, Henry. [Steve Rogers] Boy, a lot of guys getting killed over there. [4F Doctor] (off-screen) Rogers, Steven. (Steve puts down the newspaper he is reading) [Enlistment Guy] It kind of makes you think twice about enlisting, huh? [Steve Rogers] Nope. (as Steve is standing half naked in front of the doctor to examine him for enlistment) [4F Doctor] Rogers. What did your father die of? [Steve Rogers] Mustard gas. He was in the hundred and seventh infantry. I was hoping I could be assigned… [4F Doctor] Your mother? [Steve Rogers] She was a nurse in a TB ward. Got hit, couldn’t shake it. (the doctor looks at Steve’s file which shows he has a long list of health issues) [4F Doctor] Sorry, son. [Steve Rogers] Look, just give me a chance. [4F Doctor] You’d be ineligible on your asthma alone. [Steve Rogers] Is there anything you can do? [4F Doctor] I’m doing it. I’m saving your life. (He stamps the card 4F.) (later, Steve is at the movie theater) (a commercial about the war is playing before the movie) [Commercial Announcer] War continues to ravage Europe. But help is on the way. Every able-bodied young man is lining up to serve his country. Even little Timmy is doing his part collecting scrap metal. Nice work, Timmy! [Loud Jerk] Who cares? Play the movie already! [Steve Rogers] (quietly) Hey, you wanna show some respect? [Commercial Announcer] Meanwhile, overseas, our brave boys are showing the Axis powers that the price freedom is never too high. [Loud Jerk] Let’s got! Get on with it! Hey, just start the cartoon! [Steve Roger] Hey buddy, you wanna shut up?! (the guy gets up and looks at him) [Commercial Announcer] Together with Allied forces, we’ll face any threat, no matter the size. (getting beaten in an alley by the loud jerk that was disturbing everyone at the cinema) [Loud Jerk] You just don’t know when to give up, do you? [Steve Rogers] I can do this all day. (and attacks the guy again) [James Barnes] Hey! Pick on someone your own size. (after saving Steve from getting any further beatings by the loud jerk) [James Barnes] Sometimes, I think you like getting punched. [Steve Rogers] I had him on the ropes. (picks up Steve’s enlistment form from the ground) [James Barnes] How many times is this? (reading from the enlistment form) [James Barnes] Oh, you’re from Paramus now? You know it’s illegal to lie on the enlistment form. And seriously, Jersey? [Steve Rogers] You get your orders? [James Barnes] The one-o-seventh. Sergeant James Barnes. Shipping out for England first thing tomorrow. [Steve Rogers] I should be going. [James Barnes] Come on, man. My last night! Gotta get you cleaned up. [Steve Rogers] Why? Where are we going? [James Barnes] The future. (he hands him the newspaper he was holding, Steve opens it to see the ad for World Exposition Of Tomorrow, 1943) [James Barnes] I don’t see what the problem is. You’re about to be the last eligible man in New York. You know, there’s three and a half million women here. [Steve Rogers] Well, I’d settle for just one. [James Barnes] Good thing I took care of that. (He waves to the dates, Connie and Bonnie, he’s lined up) [Connie] Hey, Bucky! [Steve Rogers] What did you tell her about me? [James Barnes] Only the good stuff. (music starts playing) [Expo Announcer] Welcome to the Modern Marvels Paviliion and the World of Tomorrow. A greater world. A better world. [Connie] Oh, my God! It’s starting! [Mandy] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Howard Stark! (Howard enters the stage and kisses the announcer) [Random Woman] I love you, Howard! [Howard Stark] (addressing the audience at the World Exposition fair) Ladies and gentlemen, what if I told you that in just a few short years, your automobile won’t even have to touch the ground at all. (the female helpers take the wheels of the car on stage) [Howard Stark] Yes. Thanks, Mandy. (addressing the audience again) With Stark robotic reversion technology, you’ll be able to do just that. (he turns on the switch of his machine and the car starts to hover off the ground) [James Barnes] Holy cow. (the robots making the car hover suddenly malfunction and the car falls back on stage) [Howard Stark] I did say a few years, didn’t I? (everyone laughs) (Steve disappears, and Bucky notices) [James Barnes] Hey, Steve, what do you say we treat these girls… (at a recruitment center) [Woman] (to her male company, pulling him away from a mirror making him look like a soldier) Come on, soldier. (Steve steps in front of the mirror but he’s too short to fill out the face) [James Barnes] Come on. You’re kind of missing the point of a double date. We’re taking the girls dancing. [Steve Rogers] You go ahead. I’ll catch up with you. [James Barnes] You’re really gonna do this again? [Steve Rogers] Well, it’s a fair. I’m gonna try my luck. [James Barnes] As who? Steve from Ohio? They’ll catch you. Or worse, they’ll actually take you. [Steve Rogers] Look, I know you don’t think I can do this. [James Barnes] This isn’t a back alley, Steve. It’s war! [Steve Rogers] I know it’s a war. You don’t have to tell me. [James Barnes] Why are you so keen to fight? There are so many important jobs. [Steve Rogers] What am I gonna do? Collect scrap metal… [James Barnes] Yes! [Steve Rogers] …in my little red wagon. [James Barnes] Why not? [Steve Rogers] I’m not gonna sit in a factory, Bucky. [James Barnes] I don’t… [Steve Rogers] Bucky, come on! There are men laying down their lives. I got no right to do any less than them. That’s what you don’t understand. This isn’t about me. [James Barnes] Right. Cause you got nothing to prove. [Connie] Hey, Sarge! Are we going dancing? [James Barnes] (he turns to the girls) Yes, we are. (back to Steve) Don’t do anything stupid until I get back. [Steve Rogers] How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you. [James Barnes] You’re a punk. (he walks back towards Steve and hugs him goodbye) [Steve Rogers] Jerk. Be careful. (as James is walking away) [Steve Rogers] Don’t win the war till I get there! [James Barnes] (He salutes then starts to walk away) Come on girls. They’re playing our song. (Steve is in a medical examination room when a nurse whispers something inaudible to Young Doctor) [Young Doctor] Wait here. [Steve Rogers] Is there a problem? [Young Doctor] Just wait here. (walks out) (Steve looks at a sign warning against lying on your enlistment form and starts to get ready to leave) (An Enlistment Office MP walks in the room and Steve looks up at him worriedly) (Dr. Abraham Erskine enters the room as Enlistment Office MP quietly leaves) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (to the MP) Thank you. (to Steve) So, you want to go overseas. Kill some Nazis. [Steve Rogers] Excuse me? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Dr. Abraham Erskine. (walks over and introduces himself to Steve) I represent the Strategic Scientific Reserve. [Steve Rogers] Steve Rogers. (Dr. Erskine starts looking through Steve’s file) [Steve Rogers] Where are you from? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Queens. 73rd Street and Utopia Parkway. Before that, Germany. This troubles you? [Steve Rogers] (shakes his head) No. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (flipping through Steve’s file) Where are you from, Mr. Rogers? Mmm? Is it New Haven? Or Paramus? Five exams in five different cities. [Steve Rogers] That might not be the right file. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] No, it’s not the exams I’m interested in. It’s the five tries. But you didn’t answer my question. Do you want to kill Nazis? [Steve Rogers] Is this a test? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Yes. [Steve Rogers] I don’t wanna kill anyone. I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Well, there are already so many big men fighting this war. Maybe what we need now is the little guy, huh? I can offer you a chance. (They exit the room) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Only a chance. [Steve Rogers] I’ll take it. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Good. So where is the little guy from, actually? [Steve Rogers] Brooklyn. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (Dr. Erskine stamps Steve’s form and hands him back his file) Congratulations, soldier. (Steve opens up the file and sees that he’s been stamped as accepted) (In a HYDRA lab in a very mountainous region) [Johann Schmidt] Are you ready, Dr. Zola? [Dr. Arnim Zola] My machine requires the most delicate calibration. Forgive me if I seem overcautious. [Johann Schmidt] And are you certain that those conductors of yours can withstand the energy surge long enough for a transference? [Dr. Arnim Zola] With this artifact, I am certain of nothing. I fear it may not work at all. (Schmidt inserts the Tesseract carefully into the machine. Zola starts it up.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] Twenty percent. Forty. Sixty. Stabilising at 70%. [Johann Schmidt] (takes over the controls) I have not come all this way for safety, Doctor. (He turns the controls up to maximum and blue light flitters through the room.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] What is that? (after successfully collecting the power from the glowing Tesseract using Zola’s machine) [Johann Schmidt] I must congratulate you, Arnim. Your designs do not disappoint. Though they may require some slight reinforcement. [Dr. Arnim Zola] The exchange is stable. Amazing! The energy we have just collected could power my design, all my designs. This will change the war. [Johann Schmidt] Dr. Zola, this will change the world. (At a US training camp. Steve stands in line with others.) [Officer] (off-screen to other soldiers training) Ready, exercise! [Peggy Carter] Recruits, attention! Gentlemen, I’m Agent Carter. I supervise all operations for this division. [Gilmore Hodge] What’s with the accent, Queen Victoria? Thought I was signing up for the U.S. Army. [Peggy Carter] What’s your name, soldier? [Gilmore Hodge] Gilmore Hodge, your Majesty. [Peggy Carter] Step forward, Hodge. (Hodge steps forward, smirking) [Peggy Carter] Put your right foot forward. [Gilmore Hodge] Mmm… We gonna wrassle? Cause I got a few moves I know you’ll like. (suddenly Peggy punches him hard in the face) (Col.Phillips drives up) [Col. Chester Phillips] Agent Carter. [Peggy Carter] Colonel Phillips. [Col. Chester Phillips] I see you’re breaking in the candidates. That’s good! (to Hodge) Get your ass up out of that dirt and stand in that line at attention 'til somebody comes tells you what to do. [Gilmore Hodge] (he gets back up) Yes, sir. [Col. Chester Phillips] (addressing the new army recruits) General Patton has said that wars are fought with weapons but they are won by men. We are going to win this war because we have the best men… (he sees Rogers and continues talking) And because they’re gonna get better. Much better. The Strategic Scientific Reserve is an Allied effort made up of the best minds in the free world. Our goal is to create the best army in history. But every army starts with one man. At the end of this week we will choose that man. He will be the first in a new breed of super-soldiers. (While Phillips talk we see scenes of Steve unpacking and training where he fails to keep up and gets bullied by the others.) [Sergeant Duffy] Rogers! Get that rifle out of the mud! [Col. Chester Phillips] And they, will personally escort Adolf Hitler to the gates of Hell. (then we see Steve and some other trainees running up to a waiting Peggy and a flagpole) [Sergeant Duffy] Pick up the pace, ladies! Let’s go! Double time! Come on! Faster! Faster! Move! Move! (they arrive at the flag pole) Squad, halt! That flag means we’re only at the halfway point. First man to bring it to me gets a ride back with Agent Carter. Move, move! [Soldiers] Come on! Get up there! [Sergeant Duffy] (the soldier try to climb up the pole to no avail) If that’s all you got, this army’s in trouble! Get up there, Hodge! Come on! Get up there! Nobody’s got that flag in 17 years! Now fall back into line! Come on, fall in! Let’s go! Get back into formation! Rogers! I said fall in! (Steve pulls a pin out at the bottom of the pole causing it to fall over.) [Steve Rogers] (as he gives the flag to Sergeant Duffy) Thank you, sir. (He climbs into the car and they drive away.) (The soldiers are doing push-ups.) [Peggy Carter] Faster, ladies! Come on. My grandmother has more life in her, God rest her soul. Move it! [Col. Chester Phillips] (walking besides Erskine) You’re not really thinking about picking Rogers, are you? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] I am more than just thinking about it. He is the clear choice. [Col. Chester Phillips] When you brought a ninety-pound asthmatic onto my army base, I let it slide. I thought, what the hell? Maybe he’ll be useful to you, like a gerbil. I never thought you’d pick him. (referring to Steve) [Peggy Carter] (as Phillips and Erskine arrive she commands the soldiers:) Up. [Col. Chester Phillips] You stick a needle in that kids arm and it’s gonna go right through him. (watching Steve struggling whilst training with the other new recruits) [Peggy Carter] Come on, girls. [Col. Chester Phillips] Look at that. He’s making me cry. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] I am looking for qualities beyond the physical. [Col. Chester Phillips] Do you know how long it took to set up this project? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Yeah, I know. [Col. Chester Phillips] All the groveling I had to do in front of Senator What’s-His-Name’s committees? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Brandt. Yes, I know. I am well aware of your efforts. [Col. Chester Phillips] Then throw me a bone. Hodge passed every test we gave him. He’s big, he’s fast, he obeys orders. He’s a soldier. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] He’s a bully. [Col. Chester Phillips] You don’t win wars with niceness, doctor. (he takes a hand grenade) You win war with guts. (he throws the grenade at where the new recruits are training) Grenade! (all the soldiers move away quickly but Steve jumps on top of it covering it with his body) [Steve Rogers] Get away! Get back! (waits for the grenade to go off but nothing happens) [Officer] It was a dummy grenade. All clear. Back in formation. (Steve looks at Phillips and Erskine) [Steve Rogers] Is this is a test? (Erskine looks at Phillips as to confirm his point about choosing Steve) [Col. Chester Phillips] He’s still skinny. (later that night, Steve sits on his bunk reading. Erskine knocks on the door.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] May I? [Steve Rogers] Yeah. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Can’t sleep? [Steve Rogers] I got the jitters, I guess. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (laughs) Me, too. [Steve Rogers] Can I ask you a question? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Just one? (he sits down facing Steve) [Steve Rogers] Why me? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] I suppose that is the only question that matters. (He looks down at the bottle of schnapps he brought with him.) This is from Augsburg. My city. So many people forget that the first country that the Nazi’s invaded was their own. You know, after the last war the… my people struggled. They… they felt weak. They felt small. And then Hitler comes along with the marching and the big show and the flags and the… and the… (he waves his hand) And he… he hears of me, my work and he finds me. And he says, "You." He says, "You will make us strong." Well, I am not interested. So he sends the head of HYDRA, his research division. A brilliant scientist by the name of Johann Schmidt. Now, Schmidt is a member of the inner circle and he’s ambitious. He and Hitler share a passion for occult power and Teutonic myth. Hitler uses his fantasies to inspire his followers. But for Schmidt, it is not fantasy. For him, it is real. He has become convinced that there is a great power hidden in the earth, left here by the Gods, waiting to be seized by a superior man. So when he hears about my formula and what it can do, he cannot resist. (flashback of how Schmidt takes Erskine’s formula and injects himself with it) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Schmidt must become that superior man. [Steve Rogers] Did it make him stronger? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Yeah. But, there were other effects. The serum was not ready. But more important, the man. The serum amplifies everything that is inside. So, good becomes great. Bad becomes worse. This is why you were chosen. Because a strong man, who has known power all his life, will lose respect for that power. But a weak man knows the value of strength, and knows compassion. [Steve Rogers] Thanks. I think. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (he pours 2 drinks) Whatever happens tomorrow, you must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man. (Steve holds up his glass to toast) [Steve Rogers] To the little guys. (just as Steve’s about to drink from his glass) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] No! No! Wait! Wait! What I am doing? No! You have a procedure tomorrow. No fluids. (he pours the contents of Steve’s glass into his own) [Steve Rogers] All right. We’ll drink it after. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] No! I don’t have procedure tomorrow. Drink it after? Drink it now! (At the Hydra facility, in Schmidt’s lab.) [Johann Schmidt] (he turns off the light) Is there something in particular you need? (An artist is painting Schmidt’s portrait in oil.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] I understand you found him. [Johann Schmidt] See for yourself. (Zola steps over to the table to find several survaillance photos of Dr. Erskine.) You disapprove. [Dr. Arnim Zola] I just don’t see why you need concern yourself. I can’t imagine he will succeed. (looking nervously at Schmidt) Again. [Johann Schmidt] His serum is the Allies’ only defence against this power we now possess. If we take it away from them, then our victory is assured. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Shall I give the order? [Johann Schmidt] It has been given. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Good. (he turns to go) [Johann Schmidt] Dr. Zola. (he turns on the lights) What do you think? [Dr. Arnim Zola] A masterpiece. (the artist looks relieved with Zola’s assessment) (Steve and Peggy whilst driving through Brooklyn) [Steve Rogers] I know this neighborhood. I got beat up in that alley. And that parking lot. And behind that diner. [Peggy Carter] Did you have something against running away? [Steve Rogers] You start running they’ll never let you stop. You stand up, push back. Can’t say no forever, right? [Peggy Carter] I know a little of what that’s like. To have every door shut in your face. [Steve Rogers] I guess I just don’t why you’d wanna join the army if you’re a beautiful dame. Or a beautiful… a woman. An agent, not a dame! You are beautiful, but… [Peggy Carter] You have no idea how to talk to a woman, do you? [Steve Rogers] This is the longers conversation I’ve had with one. Women aren’t exactly lining up to dance with a guy they might step on. [Peggy Carter] You must have danced? [Steve Rogers] Well, asking a woman to dance always seems so terrifying. And the past few years just didn’t seem to matter that much. Figured I’d wait. [Peggy Carter] For what? [Steve Rogers] The right partner. (They pull up by an antiques shop and get out of the car.) [Peggy Carter] This way. [Steve Rogers] What are we doing here? [Peggy Carter] Follow me. (They go inside.) [Antique Store Owner] Wonderful weather this morning isn’t it? [Peggy Carter] Yes, but I always carry an umbrella. (Peggy leads Steve into the hidden lab to Dr. Erskine and his team in a big circular room filled with machinery and a pod in the middle.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Good morning. (he shakes Steve’s hand and sombody takes a photograph) Please, not now. (The photographer walks away, Steve looks at the pod) Are you ready? (Steve nods.) Good. Take off your shirt, your tie and your hat. (In the adjacent observation chamber filled with officials.) [Col. Chester Phillips] Senator Brandt, glad you could make it. [Senator Brandt] Why exactly am I in Brooklyn? [Col. Chester Phillips] We needed access to the city’s power grid. Of course, if you’d given me the generators I requisitioned… [Senator Brandt] A lot of people are asking for funds, Colonel. (referring to his company) Oh, this is… [Heinz Kruger] Fred Clemson, State Department. (He shakes Phillips’ hand) If this project of yours comes through, we’d like to see it used for something other than headlines. [Senator Brandt] (looing down into the chamber at Steve) Jesus. Somebody get that kid a sandwich. (In the chamber Steve has climbed into the pod and lain down.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Comfortable? [Steve Rogers] It’s a little big. You save me any of that schnapps? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Not as much as I should have. Sorry. Next time. Mr. Stark, how are your levels? [Howard Stark] Levels at 100%. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Good. [Howard Stark] We may dim half the lights in Brooklyn, but we are ready as we’ll ever be. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Agent Carter? Don’t you think you would be more comfortable in the booth? [Peggy Carter] Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Good. (He takes a microphone and taps it.) Do you hear me? is this on? (to the small group gathered to watch Steve being prepared to become a super-solider) Ladies and gentlemen, today we take not another step towards annihilation, but the first step on the path to peace. We begin with a series of micro injections into the subjects major muscle groups. The serum infusion will cause immediate cellular change. And then to stimulate growth, the subject will be saturated with Vita-Rays. [Steve Rogers] (after preliminary injection) That wasn’t so bad. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] That was penicillin. (to the others) Serum infusion beginning in five, four, three, two, one. (The serum is injected into Steve) Now, Mr. Stark. (Stark lowers a leaver, the pod moves upright and encloses Steve inside.) (knocking on the capsule that they’ve locked Steven in for the procedure to change him) Steven, can you hear me? [Steve Rogers] It’s probably too late to go to the bathroom, right? [Dr. Abraham Erskine] (turns to Stark) We will proceed. [Howard Stark] (manages the controls) That’s ten percent. Twenty percent. Thirty. That’s 40 %. [SSR Doctor] Vital signs are normal. [Howard Stark] That’s 50 %. Sixty. Seventy. (as Steve is screaming in pain as he is receiving the vita rays) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Steven! [Peggy Carter] Shut it down. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Steven! (he knocks on the pod) [Peggy Carter] Shut it down! [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Kill the reactor, Mr. Stark! Turn it off! Kill it! Kill the reactor! [Steve Rogers] No! Don’t! I can do this! [Howard Stark] Eighty. Ninety. That’s 100 %. (Everything overloads until the reactor closes itself down.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Mr. Stark? (Stark opens the pod) (after being transformed into a super-soldier) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Steven. Steven. [Col. Chester Phillips] The son of a bitch did it. (as everyone poors out of the observation chamber Kruger leaves a small, metal object like a cigarett case behind.) [Steve Rogers] (As he stumbles out of the pod supported by Stark and Erskine) I did it. [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Yeah, yeah. I think we did it. [Howard Stark] We actually did it. [Peggy Carter] How do you feel? [Steve Rogers] Taller. [Peggy Carter] You look taller. [Col. Chester Phillips] How do you like Brooklyn now, Senator? [Senator Brandt] I can think of some folks in Berlin who are about to get very nervous. Congratulations, Doctor. (He shakes hands with Erskine.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Thank you, sir. (Kruger detonates the bomb in the observation room and uses the confusion to steal the last vial of the serum.) [Dr. Abraham Erskine] Stop him! (Kruger shoots him and flees with Peggy chasing after him) (Steve kneels beside Erskine who points at Steve’s chest and dies.) (Kruger shoots his way to a get-away-car but soon after he drives away, Peggy shoots the driver and the car crashes into a taxi so Kruger changes cars.) [Taxi Driver] What are you doing? Buddy, are you all right? Hey, this guy’s been shot! (Kruger drives off in the taxi, straight towards Peggy. She shoots at him but he just ducks and keeps going. Steve shoves her out of the way.) Peggy Carter. I had him! [Steve Rogers] Sorry! (he runs after the cab) (While chasing the car he loses control over his new power and crashes into a bridalwear store.) I’m sorry. (he runs out into a street full of cars) Whoa, whoa, whoa! (Steve catches up to Kruger’s car a the pier and causes him to lose control. Kruger gets out of the car and takes a young boy hostage.) [Mother] No! No! Not my son! [Young Boy] Stop it! [Mother] Don’t hurt him! [Heinz Kruger] Get back! (Kruger with the boy dangling in his arms runs away.) [Young Boy] Let me go! [Mother] Let go of my son! Don’t hurt him! [Steve Rogers] (as Kruger points a gun at the boy’s head.) Wait, don’t! Don’t! (Kruger points the gun at Steve and pulls the trigger, but the gun is empty. So instead he throws the boy into the water.) No! Don’t! (Kruger runs, Steve looks down at the boy.) [Young Boy] Go get him! I can swim! (Kruger tries to escape in a submarine, but Steve jumps into the water, breaks the window an pulls Kruger out back onto dry land. As they struggle further the vial breaks.) [Steve Rogers] Who the hell are you? [Heinz Kruger] The first of many. Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail HYDRA! (he pops a fake tooth loose and swallows it, he starts to foam at the mouth and then die) (At HYDRA HQ) [Hutter] The Führer is not accustomed to being ignored, Herr Schmidt. He funds your research because you promised him weapons. [Schneider] You serve at his pleasure. He gave you this facility as a reward for your injuries. [Johann Schmidt] Reward? Call it what it is. Exile. I no longer reflect his image of Aryan perfection. [Roeder] You think this is about appearances? Your HYDRA division has failed to deliver so much as a rifle in over a year. And we had learned through local intelligence you had mounted a full-scale incursion into Norway. [Schneider] The Führer feels… How does he put it? "The Red Skull has been indulged long enough!" [Johann Schmidt] Gentlemen, you have come to see the results of our work. Let me show you. (They enter the lab.) Hitler speaks of a thousand-year Reich, but he cannot feed his army for a month. His troops spill their blood across every field in Europe. But still he is no closer to achieving his goals. [Roeder] And I suppose you still aim to end this war through magic? [Johann Schmidt] Science. But I understand your confusion. Great power has always baffled primitive men. HYDRA is assembling an arsenal to destroy my enemies in one stroke. Where ever they are, regardless of how many forces they possess. All in a matter of hours. [Roeder] Your enemies? [Johann Schmidt] My weapons contain enough destructive power to decimate every hostile capital on earth. Quite simply, gentlemen, I have harnessed the power of the Gods. [Schneider] Thank you, Schmidt. [Johann Schmidt] For what? [Schneider] For making it clear how obviously mad you are. [Hutter] (studying a map lying in Schmidt’s labor.) Berlin is on this map! [Johann Schmidt] So it is. [Hutter] You will be punished for your insolence! You will be brought before the Führer himself! (Schmidt kills them all with his new Tesseract-powered canon.) [Roeder] (screams before he’s desintegrated) Schmidt!!! [Johann Schmidt] My apolpgies, Doctor, but we both knew HYDRA could grow no further in Hitler’s shadow. Hail HYDRA. [HYDRA technicians] Hail HYDRA! (raising both arms to salute) [Dr. Arnim Zola] (when Schmidt turns to him) Hail HYDRA! (At the SSR compound.) [Steve Rogers] (referring to the amount of blood samples taken from him) Think you got enough? [Peggy Carter] Any hope of reproducing a program is locked in your genetic code. But without Dr. Erskine, it could take years. [Steve Rogers] He deserved more than this. [Peggy Carter] If it could only work once, he’d be proud it was you. (SSR tech lab with the Hydra submarine) [Senator Brandt] Colonel Phillips, my committee is demanding answers. [Col. Chester Phillips] Great. Why don’t we start with how a German spy got a ride to my secret installation in your car? (to Stark who is working on the submarine) What have we got here? [Howard Stark] Speaking modestly, I’m the best mechanical engineer in this country. But I don’t know what’s inside this thing or how it works. We’re not even close to this technology. [Senator Brandt] Then who is? [Col. Chester Phillips] HYDRA. I’m sure you’ve been reading our briefings. [Senator Brandt] I’m on a number of committees, Colonel. [Peggy Carter] HYDRA is the Nazi deep science division. It’s led by Johann Schmidt. But he has much bigger ambitions. [Col. Chester Phillips] HYDRA’s practically a cult. They worship Schmidt, they think he’s invincible. [Senator Brandt] So what are you gonna do about it? [Col. Chester Phillips] Spoke to the president this morning. As of today the SSR is being retasked. [Peggy Carter] Colonel? [Col. Chester Phillips] We are taking the fight to HYDRA. Pack your bags Agent Carter. You too, Stark. You’re flying to London tonight. [Steve Rogers] Sir, if you’re going after Schmidt, I want in. [Col. Chester Phillips] You’re an experiment. You’re going to Alamogordo. [Steve Rogers] The serum worked. [Col. Chester Phillips] I asked for an army and all I got was you. You are not enough. [Senator Brandt] (to Steve) With all due respect to the Colonel, I think we may be missing the point. I’ve seen you in action, Steve. More importantly, the country’s seen it. (to his aide) Paper.(the aide shows them the news paper (‘The New York Examiner’ Vol. XCVII No. 33.634, Wednesday, June 23, 1943), headlines: "Nazis in New York - mystery man saves child") The enlistment lines have been around the block since your picture hit the newsstands. You don’t take a soldier, a symbol like that, and hide him in a lab. Son, do you want to serve your country on the most important battlefield of the war? [Steve Rogers] Sir, that’s all I want. [Senator Brandt] Then, congratulations. You just got promoted. [Steve Rogers] (backstage as Steve is getting dressed in super-hero costume) I don’t know if I can do this. [Brandt’s Aide] Nothing to it. Sell off a few bonds, bonds buy bullets, bullets kills Nazi’s. Bing bang boom. You’re an American hero. [Steve Rogers] It’s just not how I pictured getting there. [Brandt’s Aide] The senator’s got a lot of pull up on the hill. You play ball with us, you’ll be leading your own platoon in no time. Take the shield. (as Steve puts on his head mask he pushes Steve onto the stage) [USO Singer] Who’s strong and brave, here to save the American way? [Steve Rogers] (As women start to sing and dance in the background Steve reads:) Not all of us can storm a beach or drive a tank. But there’s still a way all of us can fight. [USO Singer] Who vows to fight like a man, for what’s right, night and day? [Steve Rogers] Series E Defence Bonds. Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy’s gun. [USO Singer] Who will campaign door-to-door for America? Carry the flag shore to shore for America? From Hoboken to Spokane, the star-spangeld man with a plan. (Steve leads a group of men dressed as soldiers in front of a moving image.) [Director] Cut. Guys, don’t look ath the camera. (back to a scene where he’s on tour.) [USO Singer] We can’t ignore there’s a threat and a war we must win. [Steve Rogers] Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy’s gun. [USO Singer] Who’ll hang a noose on the goose-stepping goons from Berlin? Who will redeem, heed the call for America? Who’ll rise or fall, give his all for America? Who’s here to prove that we can? The star-spangled man with a plan. [Steve Rogers] We all know this is about trying to win the war. We can’t do that without bullets and bandages, tanks and tents. That’s where you come in. Every bond you buy will help protect someone you love. (A men dressed as hitler sneaks up on him on the stage.) [Kids in USO Audience] Turn around! He’s right behind you! [Steve Rogers] Keep our boys armed and ready, and the Germans will think twice about trying to get the drop on us. (The man attacs him and gets fake-punched.) [USO Singer] Stalwart and steady and true, forcefull and ready to defend, the red, white, and blue. Who’ll give the Axis the sack and is smart as a fox? Far as an eagle will soar. Who’s making Adolf afraid to step out of his box? He knows what we’re fighting for. Who waked the giant that napped in America? We know it’s no one but Captain America. Who’ll finish what they began? Who’ll kick the Krauts to Japan? The star-spangled man with a aplan! (Scenes show how Captain America goes on tour around America, appears in comics and films, how he’s approached by multiple fans, and generally becomes more liked and famous.) (Italy, November 1943, 5 miles from the front. Steve addresses a crowd of soldiers dressed in his super-hero costume) [Steve Rogers] How many of you ready to help me sock old Adolf on the jaw? (silence from the crowd of soldiers) Okay. Uh… I need a volunteer. [Army Heckler#1] I already volunteered! How do you think I got here? (the crowd of soldiers laugh) Bring back the girls! (there’s a cheer from the soldiers) [Steve Rogers] I think they only know the one song. But um…let me…I’ll…I’ll see what I can do. [Army Heckler#1] You do that, sweetheart. [Army Heckler#2] Nice boots, Tinker Bell! (the crowd of soldiers laugh) [Steve Rogers] Come on, guys. We’re all on the same team here. [Army Heckler#3] Hey, Captain! Sign this! (he stands turns and pulls his pants down and the crowd starts to throw things at Steve.) [Army Heckler#4] Bring back the girls! (The women run on stage and the crowd cheers.) [Brandt’s Aide] (backstage to Steve) Don’t worry, pal. They’ll warm up to you. Don’t worry. (Later, Steve sits on the edge of the stage sketching as rain pours down in the background.) [Peggy Carter] Hello, Steve. [Steve Rogers] (He turns and looks up at Peggy.) Hi. [Peggy Carter] Hi. [Steve Rogers] What are you doin’ here? [Peggy Carter] Officially I’m not here at all. That was quite a performance. [Steve Rogers] Yeah. Uh… I had to improvise a little bit. Crowds I’m used to are usually more uh… twelve. [Peggy Carter] I understand you’re "America’s New Hope"? [Steve Rogers] Bond sales take a ten percent bump in every state I visit. [Peggy Carter] Is that Senator Brandt I hear? [Steve Rogers] At least he’s got me doin’ this. Phillips would have had be stuck in lab. [Peggy Carter] And these are your only two options? A lab rat or a dancing monkey? You were meant for more than this, you know? (Steve goes to respond but hesitates) What? [Steve Rogers] You know for the longest time I dreamed about coming overseas and being on the front lines. Serving my country. I finally get everything I wanted, and I’m wearing tights. (Honking in the background as an ambulance arrives with wounded soldiers. Steve and Peggy turn around to watch.) They look like they’ve been through hell. [Peggy Carter] These men more than most. Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano. Two hundred men went up against him and less than fifty returned. Your audience contained what was left of the one-oh-seventh. The rest were killed or captured. [Steve Rogers] The one-oh-seventh? [Peggy Carter] What? [Steve Rogers] Come on! (They run to a tent.) Colonel Phillips. [Col. Chester Phillips] Well, if it isn’t the Star-Spangled Man With A Plan. And what is your plan today? [Steve Rogers] I need the casualty list from Azzano. [Col. Chester Phillips] You don’t get to give me orders, son. [Steve Rogers] I just need one name. Sergeant James Barnes from the hundred and seventh. [Col. Chester Phillips] (pointing to Peggy) You and I are gonna have a conversation later that you won’t enjoy. [Steve Rogers] Please tell me if he’s alive, sir. B-A-R… [Col. Chester Phillips] I can spell. (referring to Barnes) I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to count. But the name does sound familiar. I’m sorry. [Steve Rogers] What about the others? Are you planning a rescue mission? [Col. Chester Phillips] Yeah! It’s called winning the war. [Steve Rogers] But if you know where they are, why not at least…? [Col. Chester Phillips] They’re thirty miles behind the lines. Through the most heavily fortified territory in Europe. We’d lose more men than we’d save. But I don’t expect you to understand that, because you’re a chorus girl. [Steve Rogers] I think I understand just fine. [Col. Chester Phillips] Well then understand it somewhere else. If I read the posters correctly, you got some place to be in thirty minutes. (as Phillips walks away Steve looks at the military map which shows where the men are) [Steve Rogers] Yes, sir. I do. [Col. Chester Phillips] (To Peggy) If you have something to say, right now is the perfect time to keep it to yourself. [Peggy Carter] (She follows Steve to his tent where he starts to change and pack some things.) What do you plan to do? Walk to Austria? [Steve Rogers] If that’s what it takes. [Peggy Carter] You heard the Colonel, your friend is most likely dead. [Steve Rogers] You don’t know that. [Peggy Carter] Even so, he’s devising a strategy. If he detects… [Steve Rogers] By the time he’s done that, it could be too late! (He walks out to a jeep.) You told me you thought I was meant for more than this. Did you mean that? [Peggy Carter] Every word. [Steve Rogers] Then you gotta let me go. (He gets in the jeep.) [Peggy Carter] I can do more than that. (backstage with the USO girls) [Brandt’s Aide] On stage, girls. Five minutes! [USO girl] Where’s my helmet? [Brandt’s Aide] Has anyone seen Rogers? (Peggy and Steve in a plane piloted by Stark.) [Peggy Carter] The HYDRA camp is in Krausberg, tucked between these two mountain ranges. It’s a factory of some kind. [Howard Stark] We should be able to drop you right on the doorstep. [Steve Rogers] Just get me as close as you can. (referring to Stark and Peggy helping him) You know, you two are gonna be in a lot of trouble at the lab. [Peggy Carter] And you won’t? [Steve Rogers] Where I’m goin’, if anybody yells at me I can just shoot ‘em. [Peggy Carter] They will undoubtedly shoot back. [Steve Rogers] Well, let’s hope it’s good for somethin’. (He knocks at his shield.) [Howard Stark] Agent Carter, if we’re not in too much of a hurry I thought we could stop off in Lucerne for a late night fondue. (Peggy looks awkwardly at Steve who’s getting ready to parachute.) [Peggy Carter] Stark is the best civilian pilot I’ve ever seen. He’s mad enough to brave this airspace, we’re lucky to have him. [Steve Rogers] So are you two…? Do you…? Fondue? [Peggy Carter] (She ignores Steve’s akward and confused rambling.) This is your transponder. Activate it when you’re ready and the signal will lead us straight to you. [Steve Rogers] Are you sure this thing works? [Howard Stark] It’s been tested more than you, pal. (as their plane is being attacked Steve goes towards the opened door of the plane to jump) [Peggy Carter] Get back here! We’re taking you all the way in. [Steve Rogers] As soon as I’m free, you turn this thing around and get the hell outta here! [Peggy Carter] You can’t give me orders! [Steve Rogers] The hell I can’t! I’m a Captain! (he looks at her and then jumps out of the plane) (In the Hydra factory located in Italy, Schmidt and Zola walk side by side through the workspace.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] As you can see, production of the Valkyrie is progressing on schedule, even with components of this size. [Johann Schmidt] Increase the output by 60 % and see to it our other facilities do the same. [Dr. Arnim Zola] But the prisoners, I’m not sure they have the strength. [Johann Schmidt] Then use up what strength they have left, Doctor. There are always more workers. [Dr. Arnim Zola] (To someone approaching him with a clip board) Not now! (At the cells where prisoners are lead into. One of the guards knocks the hat from Dumdum Dugan’s head.) [Dum Dum Dugan] You know, Fritz, one of these days, I’m gonna have a stick of my own. (Steve runs through the dark woods until he finds a road where trucks a driving by. He gets into the back of one of them and finds himself face to face with two Hydra guards.) [Steve Rogers] Fellas. [HYDRA guards] Ah! (After Steve snuck into the HYDRA factory and stole a blue shining cartridge, he finds some of the captured American soldiers) [Gabe Jones] Who are you supposed to be? [Steve Rogers] I’m… Captain America. [James Montgomery Falsworth] I beg your pardon? [Dum Dum Dugan] (After Steve has unlocked their cells and prisoner start pooring out, he says to a Jim Morita, a Japanese looking man) What, are we taking everybody? [Jim Morita] (takes out his dog tags) I’m from Fresno, Ace. [Steve Rogers] Is there anybody else? I’m looking for a Sergeant James Barnes. [James Montgomery Falsworth] There’s an isolation ward in the factory, but no one’s ever come back from it. [Steve Rogers] All right. The tree line is northwest, 80 yards past the gate. Get out fast and give ‘em hell. I’ll meet you guys in the clearing with anybody else I find. [Gabe Jones] Wait! You know what you’re doin’? [Steve Rogers] Yeah. I’ve knocked out Adolf Hitler over two hundred times. (The prisoners escape into the compound, overpowering the guards with their sheer numbers. Dernier picks up one of the new Tesseract-powered HYDRA guns.) [Jim Morita] You know how to use that thing? (Dernier shoots, blowing up a wall) Okay. (HYDRA factory command center) [Johann Schmidt] (stares at a surveillance screen) What is happening? (He presses an alarm.) (back to the prisoners in the compound, Dum Dum and Jones overtake a small tank.) [Dum Dum Dugan] Hey. Not exactly a Buick. [Gabe Jones] (points at the controls) That one. Zündung. (Ignition.) [Dum Dum Dugan] Zündung? [James Montgomery Falsworth] (jumps into the tank) Get this thing going, Dugan! [Dum Dum Dugan] (to Jones) I didn’t know you spoke German. [Gabe Jones] Three semesters at Howards, switched to French, girls much cuter. [Dum Dum Dugan] Didn’t ask for the resume. (In the HYDRA control room Schmidt watches Steve on the monitors and decides to activate the self destruct sequence which are counting down from 7 minutes.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] No, no! What are you doing? [Johann Schmidt] Our forces are outmatched. (Zola looks at the screens, then runs out of the room.) (Dernier and Morita running through the compound with other prisoners.) [Jim Morita] Keep moving! Grab those grenades! (Schmidt secures the Tesseract while Zola packs the blueprints of his design. Steve sees him in the corridor but hesitates to chase him when he hears someone.) [James Barnes] Sergeant. 32557… [Steve Rogers] (he finds Barnes strapped to a chair in one of Schmidt’s testing labs) Bucky? Oh, my God. (he unstraps him from the chair) [James Barnes] Is that… [Steve Rogers] It’s me. It’s Steve. [James Barnes] Steve? [Steve Rogers] Come on. [James Barnes] Steve. [Steve Rogers] I thought you were dead. [James Barnes] I thought you were smaller. (referring to Steve’s change of appearance) [Steve Rogers] Come on. [James Barnes] What happened to you? [Steve Rogers] I joined the Army. (referring to Steve’s undergoing change to a super-soldier) [James Barnes] Did it hurt? [Steve Rogers] A little. [James Barnes] Is it permanent? [Steve Rogers] So far. (They flee through the exploding factory until they meet Schmidt and Zola.) [Johann Schmidt] Captain America! How exciting! I’m a great fan of your films. So Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an improvement, but still impressive. (Steve punches Schmidt hard in the face) [Steve Rogers] You’ve got no idea. [Johann Schmidt] Haven’t I? (He goes to hit Steve but Steve protects himself with his shield. As they fight, Zola pulls a leaver and the catwalk they are standing on retracts to either side seperating them.) No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see I was his greatest success! (he peels off the skin on his face to reveal that he is the Red Skull) [James Barnes] (to Steve referring to Schmidt’s skinless face) You don’t have one of those, do you? [Johann Schmidt] You are deluded, Captain. You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly. Without fear! [Steve Rogers] Then how come you’re running? (Schmidt and Zola continue their escape and so do Steve and Bucky.) Come on, let’s go. Up. (Schmidt and Zola in an elevator.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] Sir? Are we going to the roof? (The doors open to reveal a one-man-plane) What about me? Where will I sit? [Johann Schmidt] (gives Zola his car keys) Not a scratch, Doctor. Not a scratch. (We see Schmidt and Zola escaping.) (Steve and Bucky on a catwalk, beneath them everything is on fire, they have to reach the other side of the room over a thin gantry.) [Steve Rogers] Let’s go. One at a time. (Bucky reaches the other side but the gantry collapses behind him.) [James Barnes] Gotta be a rope or something! [Steve Rogers] Just go! Get out of here! [James Barnes] No! Not without you! (Steve jumps over the chasm.) (In the Amry camp Phillips is dictating a letter to a Corporal.) [Col. Chester Phillips] Senator Brandt, I regret to report that Captain Steven G. Rogers went missing behind enemy lines on the third. Aerial reconnaissance has proven unfruitful. As a result, I must declare Captain Rogers killed in action. Period. [Peggy Carter] The last surveillance flight is back. No sign of activity. [Col. Chester Phillips] Go get a cup of coffee, Corporal. [Corporal] Yes, sir. (he leaves) [Col. Chester Phillips] I can’t touch Stark. He’s rich and he’s the Army’s number one weapons contractor. You are neither one. [Peggy Carter] With respect, sir, I don’t regret my actions. And I don’t think Captain Rogers did either. [Col. Chester Phillips] What makes you think I give a damn about your opinions. I took a chance with you, Agent Carter. And now America’s golden boy and a lot of other good men are dead, cause you had a crush. [Peggy Carter] It wasn’t that. I had faith. [Col. Chester Phillips] Well, I hope that’s a big comfort to you when they shut this division down. (Soldier start running and talking exitedly in the background.) What the hell’s going on out there? (They follow the crowd to the edge of the camp where Steve’S arriving with the freed prisoners.) [Man#1] Look who it is! (everyone cheers) [Steve Rogers] (salutes to Phillips) Some of theres men need medical attention. [Man#2] Medic, we got wounded. Medic. Right over here. [Steve Rogers] I’d like to surrender myself for disciplinary action. [Col. Chester Phillips] That won’t be necessary. [Steve Rogers] Yes, sir. [Col. Chester Phillips] (he turns and walks away from Steve and he notices Peggy) Faith, huh? [Peggy Carter] (to Steve) You’re late. [Steve Rogers] (holding up the broken transponder) Couldn’t call my ride. [James Barnes] (to the men) Hey! Let’s hear it for Captain America. (more cheering) [Senator Brandt] (somewhere in America talking to a small crowd) I am honoured to present this medal for valour to my personal friend, Captain America! (he turns around but no one is there.) Captain America! (still nothing) Captain, that’s your cue! (his aide comes out, whispering something to him) [General] (sitting in the crowd talking quietly to the man next to him) I thought he’d be taller. (misunderstanding the aide to be Captain America) (Allied HQ in London) [Steve Rogers] The fifth one was here in Poland, right near the Baltic. (he marks it on a map) And the sixth one was… about here, 30, 40 miles west of the Maginot Line. (a soldier takes the map away) I just got a quick look. [Peggy Carter] Well, nobody’s perfect. (they walk over to Phillips and another map) [Steve Rogers] These are the weapon factories we know about. Sergeant Barnes said that Hydra shipped all the parts to another facility that isn’t on this map. [Col. Chester Phillips] Agent Carter, coordinate with MI6. I want every Allied eyeball looking for that main Hydra base. [Peggy Carter] What about us? [Col. Chester Phillips] We are gonna set a fire under Johann Schmidt’s ass. What do you say, Rogers? It’s your map, you think you can wipe Hydra off of it? [Steve Rogers] Yes, sir. I’ll need a team. [Col. Chester Phillips] We’re already putting together the best men. [Steve Rogers] With all due respect, sir. So am I. (in a bar) [Dum Dum Dugan] So, let’s get this straight. [Gabe Jones] We barely got out of there alive, and you want us to go back? [Steve Rogers] Pretty much. [James Montgomery Falsworth] Sounds rather fun, actually. [Jim Morita] (belches) I’m in. [Gabe Jones] (Dernier and Gabe speaking French, Dernier laughs, they shake hands) We’re in. [Dum Dum Dugan] Hell, I’ll always fight. But you got to do one thing for me. [Steve Rogers] What’s that? [Dum Dum Dugan] Open a tab. [Jim Morita] Well, that was easy. [Steve Rogers] (Steve goes over to the bar.) Another round. [Barkeeper] Where are they putting all this stuff? [James Barnes] (Steve joins Bucky at the barcounter. In the background everyone's singing "There's a Tavern in Town"(1)) See? I told you. They’re all idiots. [Steve Rogers] How about you? You ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death? [James Barnes] Hell, no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight. I’m following him. But you’re keeping the outfit, right? [Steve Rogers] You know what? It’s kind of growing on me. [Peggy Carter] (The singing in the bar stops as Peggy in a tight fitting, deep-red dress walks in.) Captain. [Steve Rogers] Agent Carter. [James Barnes] Ma’am. [Peggy Carter] Howard has some equipment for you to try. Tomorrow morning? [Steve Rogers] Sounds good. [Peggy Carter] I see you top squad is prepping for duty. [James Barnes] You don’t like music? [Peggy Carter] I do, actually. I might even, when this is all over, go dancing. [James Barnes] Then what are we waiting for? Peggy Carter. The right partner. 0800, Captain. [Steve Rogers] Yes, ma’m. I’ll be there. [James Barnes] (referring to the rejection he got from Peggy about going dancing with him) I’m invisible. I’m…I’m turning into you. It’s like some horrible dream. [Steve Rogers] Don’t take it so hard. Maybe she’s got a friend. (whilst waiting to see Stark) [Howard Stark] (Morning, by a glass chamber, Stark examines the Hydra cartridge) Emission signature is unusual. Alpha and beta ray neutral. Though I doubt Rogers picked up on that. Seems harmless enough. Hard to see what all the fuss is about. (He removes a glowing pellet. The blast sends Stark and his engineer flying across the room.) Write that down. (Somewhere else in the building) [Steve Rogers] (to Private Lorraine) Excuse me. I’m looking for Mr. Stark. [Pvt. Lorraine] He’s in with Colonel Phillips. Of course you’re welcome to wait. (Steve perches on the edge of a desk to wait) I read about what you did. (she holds up the newspaper showing his rescue mission) [Steve Rogers] Oh! The…yeah! Well, that’s you know? Just doin’ what needed to be done. [Pvt. Lorraine] Sounded like more than that. You saved nearly four hundred men. [Steve Rogers] Really, it’s not a big deal. [Pvt. Lorraine] Tell that to their wives. (Steve gets nervous as she walks up to him) [Steve Rogers] Uh…I don’t think they were all married. [Pvt. Lorraine] You’re a hero. [Steve Rogers] Well, that…you know? That…that depends on the definition of it really. (she grabs hold of his tie) [Pvt. Lorraine] The women of America, they owe you their thanks. And uh…seeing as they’re not here. (drags him to the corner of the office and kisses him) [Peggy Carter] (she walks in) Captain! (Steve and Pvt. Lorraine separate) We’re ready for you. If you’re not otherwise occupied. (annoyed, she turns and walks ahead) [Steve Rogers] Agent Carter, wait. [Peggy Carter] Looks like finding a partner wasn’t that hard after all. [Steve Rogers] Peggy, that’s not what you thought it was. [Peggy Carter] I don’t think anything, Captain. Not one thing. You always wanted to be soldier and now you are. Just like all the rest. [Steve Rogers] Well, what about you and Stark? How do I know you two haven’t been… fonduing? [Peggy Carter] (she turns to look at him) You still don’t know a bloody thing about women! (In Stark’s lab) [Howard Stark] Fondue is just cheese and bread, my friend. [Steve Rogers] Really? I didn’t think… [Howard Stark] Nor should you, pal. The moment you think you know what’s goin’ on in a woman’s head, it’s the moment your goose is well and truly cooked. Me, I concentrate on work. Which at the moment is about making sure you and your men do not get killed. Carbon polymer. (referring to a piece of cloth lying on the table) Should withstand your average German bayonet. Although Hydra’s not going to attack you with a pocket knife. (referring to Steve’s Captain America shield) I hear you’re uh… kinda attached? [Steve Rogers] It’s handier than you might think. [Howard Stark] I took the liberty of coming up with some options. (shows him a few shields) This one’s fun. She’s been fitted with electrical relays. It’ll allow you to… [Steve Rogers] What about this one? (he picks up a round silver looking shield) [Howard Stark] No! No! That’s just a prototype. [Steve Rogers] What’s it made of? [Howard Stark] Vibranium. It’s stronger than steel and a third of the weight. It’s completely vibration absorbent. [Steve Rogers] How come it’s not a standard issue? [Howard Stark] That’s the rarest metal on earth. What you’re holding there? That’s all we’ve got. [Peggy Carter] (as Steve is checking out the shield made out of Vibranium) You quite finished, Mr. Stark? I’m sure the Captain has some unfinished business. [Steve Rogers] (holds up the Vibranium shield against him) What do you think? (Peggy picks up gun and shoots it at Steve as he quickly holds up the shield to protect himself) [Peggy Carter] Yes. I think it works. (she puts the gun down and walks out of the lab, Steve and Howard looking at her stunned) [Steve Rogers] I had some ideas about the uniform. (gives Stark a piece of paper) [Howard Stark] (takes it) Whatever you want, pal. (Montage of Captain America and his Howling Commandos fighting Hydra.) (At the site of a destroyed Hydra base) [Johann Schmidt] You are failing! We are close to an offensive network that will shake the planet. And yet we are continually delayed, because you cannot outwit a simpleton with a shield! [Dr. Arnim Zola] This is hardly my area of expertise. I…I merely develop the weapons. I…I cannot fire them. [Johann Schmidt] Finish your mission, Doctor. Before the American finishes his. [Guard] (two guards arrive with the facility manager) Sir! [Facility Manager] I’m sorry, Herr Schmidt. We fought to the last man. [Johann Schmidt] Evidently not. (kills him) [James Barnes] (On a snow covered mountain the Howling Commandos prepare to zipline onto the train.) Remember when I made you ride the Cyclone at Coney Island? [Steve Rogers] Yeah, I and I threw up? [James Barnes] This isn’t payback, is it? [Steve Rogers] Now why would I do that? [Gabe Jones] We were right. Dr. Zola’s on the train. Hydra dispatcher gave him permission to open up the throttle. Wherever he’s going, they must need him bad. [James Montgomery Falsworth] Let’s get going, because they’re moving like the devil. [Steve Rogers] We only got about a 10-second window. You miss that window, we’re bugs on a windshield. [James Montgomery Falsworth] Mind the gap. [Dum Dum Dugan] Better get moving, bugs! [Jacques Dernier] Maintenant! (Now!) ( Steve, Bucky and Gabe zippline onto the train.) [Dr. Arnim Zola] (watching Steve on a monitor, fighting his way through the train) Stop him! Fire again! [James Barnes] (after Steve helps him out) I had him on the ropes. [Steve Rogers] I know you did. (another trooper with a blaster appears) Get down! [Dr. Arnim Zola] Fire again! Kill him! Now! [Steve Rogers] (Bucky’s been blasted through a hole and is now hanging outside the train.) Bucky! Hang on! Grab my hand! NO! (Allied HQ in London, Phillips brings a tray of food to Zola after he’s been captured and imprisoned) [Col. Chester Phillips] Sit down. [Dr. Arnim Zola] What is this? [Col. Chester Phillips] Steak. [Dr. Arnim Zola] What is in it? [Col. Chester Phillips] Cow. Doctor, do you realize how difficult it is to get ahold of a prime cut like that out here? [Dr. Arnim Zola] I don’t eat meat. [Col. Chester Phillips] Why not? [Dr. Arnim Zola] It disagrees with me. [Col. Chester Phillips] How about cyanide? Does that give you the rumbly tummy too? Every Hydra agent that we’ve tried to take alive has crunched a little pill before we can stop him. But not you. So, here’s my brilliant theory. (Phillips starts eating the steak.) You wanna live. [Dr. Arnim Zola] You’re trying to intimidate me, Colonel. [Col. Chester Phillips] I bought you dinner. (passes him a piece of paper which Zola reads out loud) [Dr. Arnim Zola] ‘Given the variable information he has provided, and in exchange for his full cooperation, Dr. Zola is being remanded to Switzerland.’ [Col. Chester Phillips] I sent that message to Washington this morning. Of course it was encoded. You guys haven’t broken those codes, have you? That would be awkward. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Schmidt will know this is a lie. [Col. Chester Phillips] He’s gonna kill you anyway, Doc. You’re a liability. You know more about Schmidt than anyone. And the last guy you cost us was Captain Rogers’ closest friend. So, I wouldn’t count on the very best of protection. There’s you or Schmidt. It’s just the hand you’ve been dealt. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Schmidt believes he walks in the foot steps of the Gods. [Col. Chester Phillips] Mmm. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Only the world itself will satisfy him. [Col. Chester Phillips] You do realize that’s nuts, don’t you? [Dr. Arnim Zola] But the sanity of the plan is of no consequence. [Col. Chester Phillips] And why is that? [Dr. Arnim Zola] Because he can do it! [Col. Chester Phillips] What’s his target? [Dr. Arnim Zola] His target… is everywhere. (Hydra main base, Schmidt addresses his soldier) [Johann Schmidt] Tomorrow, Hydra will stand master of the world. Born to victory on the wings of the Valkyrie. Our enemies weapons will be powerless against us. If they shoot down one plane, hundreds more will rain fire upon them! If they cut off one head, two more shall take its place. Hail Hydra! (his soldiers all start saluting and shouting ‘Hail Hydra’) (In London, a part of the city destroyed by bombs, formerly the bar where Steve enlisted the Howling Commandos. Peggy follows the voice of a radio through the rubble.) [Man on the Radio] Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area. Please wait for the all-clear. Your attention, please. All citizens shall remain indoors until further notice. Blackout is still in effect throughout the London area. [Steve Rogers] (when Peggy finds him he’s pouring himself some drink) Dr. Erskine said that… the serum wouldn’t just effect my muscles, it would effect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means um…I can’t get drunk. Did you know that? [Peggy Carter] Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person. He thought it could be one of the side effects. (referring to Barnes getting killed) It wasn’t your fault. [Steve Rogers] Did you read the reports? [Peggy Carter] Yes. [Steve Rogers] Then you know that’s not true. [Peggy Carter] You did everything you could. Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him? (Steve looks at her as if to say yes) Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it. [Steve Rogers] I’m goin’ after Schmidt. I’m not gonna stop till all of Hydra is dead or captured. [Peggy Carter] You won’t be alone. (The team prepare a battle plan to take down Red Skull at his headquarters) [Col. Chester Phillips] Johann Schmidt belongs in a bug house. He thinks he’s a God. He’s willing to blow up half the world to prove it, starting with the USA. [Howard Stark] Schmidt’s working with powers beyond our capabilities. He gets across the Atlantic, he will wipe out the entire eastern sea board in an hour. [Gabe Jones] How much time we got? [Col. Chester Phillips] According to my new best friend, under twenty four hours. [Jaques Dernier] Where is he now? [Col. Chester Phillips] Hydra’s last base is here. (holding a photo he points to the base) In the Alps. Five hundred feet below the surface. [Jim Morita] So, what are we supposed to do. I mean, it’s not like we can just knock on the front door. [Steve Rogers] Why not? That’s exactly what we’re gonna do. (after Steve has been captured by Hydra soldiers and brought to Schmidt’s weapon lab) [Johann Schmidt] Arrogance may not be a uniquely American trait, but I must say you do it better than anyone. But there are limits to what even you can do, Captain. Or did Erskine tell you otherwise? [Steve Rogers] He told me you were insane. [Johann Schmidt] Ah. He resented my genius and tried to deny me what was rightfully mine. But he gave you everything. So, what made you so special? [Steve Rogers] Nothin’. I’m just a kid from Brooklyn. (after Schmidt has beaten him) I can do this all day. [Johann Schmidt] Oh, of course you can. Of course. But unfortunately I am on a tight schedule. (Schmidt takes out his cube-energy pistol and points it at Steve) [Steve Rogers] So am I! (just then Steve’s team crashes through the windows of the weapons lab) [James Montgomery Falsworth] Rogers! You might need this! (He throws Steve his shield.) [Steve Rogers] Thanks! (Steve makes his way through the Hydra base which has fallen into chaos with the arrival of more Allied soldiers.) [Jim Morita] (into his comm) We’re in! Assault team, go! [Col. Chester Phillips] (standing outside listening to Morita) Move out! (the soldiers start running towards the Hydra base) Keep your spacing! (In the Hydra base) [Hydra Soldier] Cutt off one head, two more shall… (he’s killed by Phillips) [Col. Chester Phillips] Let’s go find two more! (As Steve chases Schmidt he is confronted by a Hydra soldier with flame throwers and saved by Peggy) [Steve Rogers] (after Peggy has killed the Hydra soldier) You’re late. [Peggy Carter] Weren’t you about to… [Steve Rogers] Right. (Steve continues his chase, but after Schmidt has boarded the Valkyrie Steve is not fast enough to catch the plane. Behin him Phillips and Peggy appear in a car and pick him up to chase the plane on the runway.) Keep it steady! (Just as Steve is about to leap from the roadster onto Schmidt’s plane Peggy stops him) [Peggy Carter] Wait! (she kisses him) Go get him. (Steve surprised by the kiss looks at Phillips) [Col. Chester Phillips] I’m not kissin’ you! (Inside the Valkyrie there are multiple figher planes with their targets written on them: Boston, Chicago, New York. After Steve has managed to disable the fighter planes and their pilots he enters the cockpit where Schmidt is waiting.) [Johann Schmidt] You don’t give up, do you? [Steve Rogers] Nope! (They fight) [Johan Schmidt] You could have the power of the gods! Yet you wear a flag on your chest and think you fight a battle of nations! I have seen the future, Captain! There are no flags! [Steve Rogers] Not my future! (He flings his shield at Schmidt who is thrown into the cubic console.) [Johan Schmidt/Red Skull] What have you done? No. (he picks up the cube and energy starts to pour from it, revealing a window into space. A stream of blue energy engulfes Schmidt and takes him into the sky. The cube falls to the ground and burns through it until it falls into the sea below.) (Steve takes over the plane’s controls, on a screen he reads "Ziel New York City" (target New York City), and tries the radio which is picked up by the Hydra control tower occupied by Peggy, Phillips and Morita.) [Steve Rogers] Come in. This is Captain Rogers. Do you read me? [Jim Morita] Captain Rogers, what is your… (Peggy takes his place) [Peggy Carter] Steve, is that you? Are you alright? [Steve Rogers] Peggy! Schmidt’s dead. [Peggy Carter] What about the plane? [Steve Rogers] That’s a little bit tougher to explain. [Peggy Carter] Give me your coordinates, I’ll find you a safe landing site. [Steve Rogers] There’s not going to be a safe landing. But I can try and force it down. [Peggy Carter] I’ll get Howard on the line, he’ll know what to do. [Steve Rogers] There’s not enough time. This thing’s moving too fast and it’s heading for New York. (referring to Schmidt’s plane, speaking through the plane’s control) I gotta put her in the water. [Peggy Carter] Please, don’t do this. We have time. We can work it out. [Steve Rogers] Right now I’m in the middle of nowhere. If I wait any longer a lot of people are gonna die. Peggy, this is my choice. (as he’s forcing the plane down towards the water) Peggy? [Peggy Carter] I’m here. [Steve Rogers] I’m gonna need a rain check on that dance. [Peggy Carter] (with tears in her eyes) Alright. A week, next Saturday, at the Stork Club. [Steve Rogers] You got it. [Peggy Carter] Eight o’clock on the dot. Don’t you dare be late. Understood? [Steve Rogers] You know, I still don’t know how to dance. [Peggy Carter] I’ll show you how. Just be there. [Steve Rogers] We’ll have the band play somethin’ slow. I’d hate to step on your… (the line goes static and Peggy begins to cry) [Peggy Carter] Steve? Steve? Steve? (Later, the world celebrates the victory over Nazi-Germany. The Howling Commandos are in a bar.) [James Montgomery Falsworth] To the Captain. (They drink) (Stark on his search for the Valkyrie in the arctic sea on a ship. They’ve found the Tesseract.) [Stark’s Engineer] Sir? (Stark steps to him and watches on a screen how a submarine grabs the cube.) [Howard Stark] (to the captain) Take us to the next grid point. [Stark’s Engineer] But there’s not trace of wreckage. And the energy signature stops here. [Howard Stark] Just keep looking. (After Steve has been missing for some time, we see him awaken in a 1940’s hospital and he can hear a baseball game on an old radio when a woman walks into the room) [Dodgers Announcer] (over the radio) Curve ball, high and outside for ball one. So the Dodgers are tied, 4-4. And the crowd well knows that with one swing of his bat, this fellow’s capable of making it a brand-new game again. Just an absolutely gorgeous day here at Ebbets Field. The Phillies have managed to tie up at 4-4. But the Dodgers have three men on. Pearson beaned Reiser in Philadelphia last month. Wouldn’t the youngster like a hit here to return the favour? Pete leans in. Here’s the pitch. Swung on. A line to the right. And it gets past Rizzo. Three runs will score. Reiser heads to third. Durocher’s going to wave him in. Here comes the relay, but they won’t get him. (the door opens and an agent walks in) [SHIELD Agent] Good morning. (she checks her watch) Or should I say, afternoon? [Steve Rogers] Where am I? [SHIELD Agent] You’re in a recovery room in New York city. [Dodgers Announcer] The Dodgers take the lead, 8-4. Oh, Dodgers! Everyone is on their feet. What a game we have here today, folks. What a game indeed. [Steve Rogers] (he looks at her suspiciously) Where am I really? [SHIELD Agent] I’m afraid I don’t understand. [Steve Rogers] The game, it’s from May, nineteen forty one. I know, cause I was there. (he gets up from the bed) Now, I’m gonna ask you again. Where am I? [SHIELD Agent] Captain Rogers… (she secretly pushes an alarm) [Steve Rogers] Who are you? (two soldiers in black uniform enter the room and Steve knocks them through the wall. Steve realizes that he’s on a some kind of made up set and he runs out of there.) [SHIELD Agent] Captain Rogers, wait! (into a comm) All agents, code 13! I repeat. All agents, code 13! (Steve finds himself in 2011’s Time Square he looks around him in shock, numerous SUV’s encircle him and Fury steps out of one of the vehicles) [Nick Fury] At ease, soldier! Look, I’m sorry about that little show back there, but… we thought it best to break it to you slowly. [Steve Rogers] Break what? [Nick Fury] You’ve been asleep, Cap. For almost seventy years. (Steve looks around him in shock) You gonna be okay? [Steve Rogers] Yeah. Yeah. I just…I had a date. (lines after end of credits; Steve’s is pummeling a punching bag in a gym and in anger knocks it off it’s chain, sending it flying across the room when Fury enters the gym) [Nick Fury] Trouble sleeping? [Steve Rogers] You’re here with a mission, sir? [Nick Fury] I am. [Steve Rogers] Trying to get me back in the world? [Nick Fury] Trying to save it. (End of Captain America: The First Avenger)

{"title": "Captain America: The First Avenger"}

marvel/pdunton

(Marvel Studios Opening Sequence begins but instead of seeing our heroes, We see Our Watcher Informant Stan "The Man" Lee and his cameos. In the end of the intro, a white text appears reading "Thank You Stan".) (Early morning, Vers has woken up from a dream and is now standing outside Yon-Rogg's room. When she knocks, Yon-Roog answers the door still half-asleep) [Yon-Rogg (annoyed and tired)] Do you know what time it is? [Vers] Can't sleep. [Yon-Rogg] There are tabs for that. [Vers] Yeah, but then I'd be sleeping. [Yon-Rogg] Dreams again? (Vers nods in response. Yon-Rogg does so as well.) [Vers] Wanna fight? (Scene changes to Vers falling over. The camera then pans to show a doji-like structure, with Vers and Yon-Rogg on a mat) [Vers] I slipped. [Yon-Rogg] Right. You slipped as a result of me punching you in the face. [Vers] I was already slipping when you happened to punch me in the face. The two events are not related. [Yon-Rogg (amused)] Tell me about this dream. (Vers and Yon-Rogg start to spar) [Yon-Rogg] Anything new? [Vers] No. (Vers and Yon-Rogg continue to spar. Yon-Rogg grabs Vers' right arm and pins it behind her) [Yon-Rogg] You've got to let go of your past. [CVers] I don't remember my past. [Yon-Rogg] It's causing you doubt, and doubt makes you vulnerable. (Yon-Rogg lets go of Vers' arm and they continue to spar. Vers then is forced onto the floor, and her fist begins to glow orange) [Yon-Rogg] Control it. (Vers' fist returns to normal) [Yon-Rogg] Lose control again and you'll have to convene with the Supreme Intelligence. There is nothing more dangerous to a warrior than emotion. (Vers smirks at Yon-Rogg causing Yon-Rogg to push her backwards) [Yon-Rogg] Humor is a distraction. And anger? Anger only serves the enemy. (Yon-Rogg continue to fight. Yon-Rogg puches Vers in the face causing her to fall down. Vers retaliates by shooting energy from her fist, resulting in Yon-Rogg flying backwards) (Scene changes to outside of a futuristic train station. There are electronic billboards on buildings, and blue and orange lights can be seen through windows) [Electronic Voice-Over (from billboard)] 120 days since the last Skrull attack. (The scene then changes to Vers and Yon-Rogg inside of a train carrage, surrounded by other Kree) [Vers] Has anybody seen what the Supreme Intelligence really looks like? [Yon-Rogg] No-one can look upon the Supreme Intelligence in its true form. You know that. Our subconscious chooses the way they appear to us. So it's sacred, it's personal. The Kree divulges it ever. [Vers] Who do you see? Your brother? [Yon-Rogg] No. [Vers] Father? [Yon-Rogg (annoyed)] No [Vers] Your old commander? [Yon-Rogg] Vers... [Vers] (smug): It's me you see, isn't it? [Yon-Rogg (amused)] I see what you're trying to do. [Vers] (laughing): Is it working? [Yon-Rogg] Yes. But you won't succeed in changing my mind on the subject. [Vers] What is the point of giving me these (gestures to her hands) if you don't want me to use them? [Yon-Rogg] You're going to use them. The Supreme Intelligence made me the responsibility of showing you how to use them. [Vers] I know how. [Yon-Rogg] Well if that were true, you'd knock me down without them. (Carol pulls a face then punches Yon-Rogg in his arm) [Yon-Rogg] Control your impulses. Stop using this (points to her chest, above her heart) and start using this (gestures towards her head). I need you to be the best version of yourself. (Scene changes to the inside of the Supreme Intelligence. The walls appear golden, with pillars wider towards the top and narrowing towards the bottom. The floor has a hexagon lit up with white light. Vers walks onto the hexagon and extends her arms beside her. Tentacle-like wires appear from below her feet and connect to her legs, arms, and head.) (The scene changes again, but the wires have disappeared and the walls have been replaced with an endless glossy floor. Lights then descend from above and the Supreme Intelligence appears from within them.) [Supreme Intelligence] Vers. [Vers] Intelligence. [Supreme Intelligence] Your commander insists that you're fit to serve. [Vers] I am. [Supreme Intelligence] You struggle with your emotions, with your past which fuels them. (A floating image of the Earth appears, which Vers turns to look at. The image then turns into a variety of planets, with the camera switching slowly between them.) [Supreme Intelligence] You are just one victim of the Skrull expansion that has threatened our civilisation for centuries. Imposters who silently infiltrate then take over our planets. (The image then zooms into one of the planets, revealing a Skrull carrying a weapon similar to in Vers' dream.) [Supreme Intelligence] Horrors which you remember and so much which you do not. [Vers] It's all... blank. My life. You're supposed to take the form of you I most admire but I don't even remember who this person was to me. [Supreme Intelligence] Perhaps this is a mercy, sparing you from a deeper pain. Freeing you to do what all Kree must. Put your people's needs before your own. We've given you a great gift, a chance to fight for the good of all Kree. (The chip on Vers' neck begins to blink, almost simultaneously her hands begin to glow.) [Vers] I want to serve. [Supreme Intelligence] Then master yourself; what was given can be taken away. (Vers' chip and her hand stop glowing) [Vers] I won't let you down. [Supreme Intelligence] We'll know soon enough. You have a mission. Serve well and with honor. (The scene suddenly changes back to inside the Supreme Intelligence building and the wires slide back to underneath Vers' feet.) (The scene changes to a shot of Vers, and Yon-Rogg's team walking towards a space ship within a hanger. The hanger is large, the walls are golden, and the team is wearing a green and black uniform.) [Att-Lass] This can't be good. [Korath] It must be another Skrull attack. [Bron-Char] Whatever it is, it's big. [Minn-Erva] Has a Skrull ever simmed you? [Korath] Once. It was deeply disturbing. [Vers] Why? [Korath] Because I stared into the face of my mortal enemy and the face staring back was my own. [Vers] Well maybe if you were more attractive then it would be less disturbing. [Korath] You think you're funny, but I'm not laughing. [Att-Lass] You never laugh. [Korath] I laugh on the inside. I'm not doing it now. [Bron-Char] It's funny cause objectively speaking, you're quite handsome. [Korath] Well thank you. [Yon-Rogg] Listen up team! Knock it off (pointing at Carol). (Yon-Rogg walks into the center of the plane and begins presenting a holographic presentation.) [Yon-Rogg] Alright, prepare for a search and rescue of our spy, Soh-Larr. The Skrulls have invaded yet another border planet, this time Torfa. Soh-Larr sent a warning signal, which we've intercepted, that his cover's blown. The Skrull General Talos has sent kill units to find him. Should they reach him before we do, the intelligence he has acquired over three years is as good as theirs. The accusors will bomb a Skrull stronghold here in the south. We slip in, we locate Soh-Larr and we get out, leaving them none the wiser. The Torfa populace; we are not to interfere with them nor them with us. Nothing compromises the security of our mission. Proceed with caution. Follow protocol before extracting him. (The holograph disappears, leaving the team standing in a circle.) [Yon-Rogg] This is a dangerous mission, we must all be ready to join the collective if that is our fate today. For the good of all Kree! [Vers, Bron-Char, Korath, Minn-Erva and Att-Lass] For the good of all Kree! (The scene changes to show the ship and the Accusor's ships flying out of the hanger and towards the horizon towards a jump hole. Once they all pass through the jump hole, the scene changes to show the ships leaving the hole, surrounded by empty space and approaching the planet Torfa.) (The Accusor's ships begin firing missiles down towards the Skrull stronghold down on Torfa. The ship containing Vers, Yon-Rogg and the other Kree follows after the missiles and crash lands in the sea. Carol and the Kree then emerge from the ship wearing masks and their green and black uniform. The Kree then swim from their ship before removing their masks.) [Yon-Rogg] Vers, track Soh-Larr's beacon. Att-Lass and Minn-Erva find elevation. (The camera follows the Kree sneaking towards the stronghold, amongst pillars of rock and mountains.) [Minn-Erva] Locals on the periphery. Maybe a dozen. (Static noise is heard coming from Yon-Rogg's earwig) [Yon-Rogg] Minn-Erva? [Minn-Erva] Do you read me? Anybody copy? (Static noise is heard coming from Yon-Rogg's earwig.) [Yon-Rogg] Repeat. [Vers] His beacon's coming from that temple. Let's move. [Yon-Rogg] No. This is the perfect spot for an ambush. Only one way in, only one way out. [Bron-Char] And we have to pass the locals. [Yon-Rogg] We don't know if they are locals. Too risky. [Vers] You don't have to go with me. I'll go alone. [Yon-Rogg] No! You won't. (Yon-Rogg looks around, assessing his surroundings.) [Yon-Rogg] Right. Keep a close radius, we lose comms we meet back at the Helion. Come on. (The scene then changes to show the thermal imaging through one of the Kree's guns, showing the locals moving towards an area.) [Minn-Erva] Att-Lass, you getting this? [Att-Lass] Copy. I see them. (The scene changes to the Kree walking amongst pillars of rock towards the local's campsite.) [Locals] {Untranslated syllables} [Yon-Rogg] Get back! [Bron-Char] Commander! [Yon-Rogg] Get back. Back! [Locals] (commotion amongst the group) [Yon-Rogg] Minn-Erva, do you have eyes on this? (The Kree draw their weapons and face the locals.) [Yon-Rogg] (to the locals) Get back! Minn-Erva! [Minn-Erva] Does anybody copy? [Locals] {untranslated syllables} (commotion amongst the group) [Yon-Rogg] I don't want to hurt you. Get back! Stay back! (The scene changes to the view through Minn-Erva's gun. The locals continue to move towards the Kree, and Minn-Erva prepares to shoot before Att-Lass lowers her gun.) [Att-Lass] They're locals. I found two dead, no green. They're just starving. (Minn-Erva sees Att-Lass fighting against the locals through the scope of her gun. The Skrull disguised as Att-Lass begins to fight Minn-Erva, before Minn-Erva shoots him in the chest) (The scene changes to Vers trying to locate Soh-Larr in the temple. When she sees somebody, the tablet in her arm lights up showing a string of characters.) [Vers] HGX-78 [Soh-Larr] TRT79-VVX6 (The scene changes back to Yon-Rogg and Bron-Char surrounded by the locals) [Locals] {untranslated shouting} [Bron-Char] Get back! (One of the locals draws a Skrull weapon before being shot by Minn-Erva. Minn-Erva continues to shoot the locals surrounding Yon-Rogg and Bron-Char) [Yon-Rogg] Skrulls! (The scene changes back to Vers and Soh-Larr, with Soh-Larr sitting exhausted against a rock.) [Yon-Rogg (through Vers' earpiece)] Vers? Skrulls! It's an ambush. (Soh-Larr shocks Vers with a Skrull weapon, paralyzing her.) (The locals begin screaming before transforming into Skrulls and drawing their weapon. They then charge towards Yon-Rogg and Bron-Char and begin a firefight.) [Yon-Rogg] Vers! [Bron-Char] Incoming! [Yon-Rogg] Back to the Helion! (The scene changes back to Vers and Soh-Larr. Vers has just regained movement, however, Soh-Larr has transformed into Skrull General Talos.) [Yon-Rogg (through Vers' earpiece)] Vers? Do you copy? [Vers] How did you know the code? [General Talos] How about I tell you my secret? When you tell me yours? (General Talos tasers Vers before the screen turns black.) [Skrull Tech (voiceover)] Let's open her up. (The scene changes to a flashback of Vers at an Airforce base. The camera is pointed towards the nose of a plane and the hangar door is opening. The angle changes to follow Vers walking towards a fighter plane.) [General Talos (voiceover)] Where are we? [Skrull Scientist (voiceover)] Stand by. (The angle widens to show a circle of planes sitting on the tarmac.) [Maria] Where's your head at? [Vers] In the clouds. Where's yours? [Maria] On my shoulders. About to show these boys how to do it. You ready? [Vers] Higher, further, faster baby. [Maria] That's right. (The scene changes to show Maria and Vers climbing into their cockpits and preparing to fly.) [General Talos (voiceover)] This can't be right. (The scene then changes to show Vers and Monica's planes taking off, before switching to a shot of Vers flying.) [General Talos (voiceover)] Go back even further. (The camera spins to change from a scene of Vers flying to a scene of 11-year old Vers driving around a go-kart track at a fair.) [Boy] You're going too fast. You need to go slow. (Vers speeds up but crashes into the hay outlining the track. As the car tumbles, Vers sees flashes of orange and blue light similar to that of her energy blasts.) [General Talos (voiceover)] Who is this person? Are we in the right...? [Joseph Danvers] What the hell are you thinking? You don't belong out here! [Skrull Scientist (voiveover)] I think we went back too far. [Vers (11-years old)] You let him drive. [Skrull Scientist (voiceover)] Let me try something. (The scene changes again to show Vers hanging onto a rope to complete a ropes course in Air-Force training. She stares at the rope in front of her.) [Cadets] You don't belong out here! You're not strong enough! You'll kill yourself! (Vers swings back on the rope, before jumping off and trying to grab the rope in front of her. She grabs it, however, she loses grip and falls to the ground. When she hits the ground, there is an image of her thrown backward because of blue and orange flames, before the image returns to her hitting the ground on the course. The cadets laugh behind her) [Drill Instructor] They'll never let you fly. [General Talos (voiceover)] Am I the only one who's confused here? (The scene changes again to the inside of a bar, with Vers sitting at a table with Maria and another pilot standing next to her) [Pilot] You're a decent pilot, but you're too emotional. You do know why they call it a cockpit, don't you? (The camera changes to show a pool table. When a ball hits the table, the image changes to a small flash of blue light before changing back to the table) (The camera then shows Vers' brother and Vers at six lying in the grass) [Vers' Brother] Huge rumble throughout the cosmos shook the moon and the sun and the stars in the sky. And so, little Alouette flew up throughout the night. [Vers (6-years-old)] Did you see her? (referring to a shooting star which just passed by) It's Alouette. (The scene changes again to show a Vers and Maria's daughter lying in the grass outside Maria's house) [Maria] Get your butt's inside, it's time to eat. [Carol] Prepare for takeoff Lieutenant Trouble. [General Talos (voiceover)] Charming memory. [Skrull Scientist (voiceover)] Hang on. I think I got it. (The scene changes to show Vers leaning against her car outside of an airplane hanger, with Goose walking towards her. Vers leans down to pet Goose before Dr. Wendy Lawson walks towards her) [Wendy Lawson] Goose likes you. She doesn't typically take to people. [Vers] Early start to your morning. [Wendy Lawson] Ah. Late night actually, I can't sleep when there's work to do. Sound familiar? [Vers] Flying airplanes never feels like work. (Wendy and Vers turn to look at the airplanes which are taking off and landing) [Wendy Lawson] Wonderful view isn't it? [Vers] I prefer the view from up there. [Wendy Lawson] You'll get there soon enough Ace. (Wendy Lawson turns around and walks away) [General Talos (voiceover)] Wait, wait, wait. That's her. Get her back. [Skrull Scientist (voiceover)] Stand by. [Wendy Lawson] Sound familiar? (Vers turns around to see Wendy standing behind her) [Wendy Lawson] Wonderful view isn't it? [Vers] I prefer the view from up there. [Wendy Lawson] You'll get there soon enough... (Wendy Lawson turns around and walks away) [General Talos (voiceover)] What's that on her shirt? I couldn't read it. [Wendy Lawson] Sound familiar? (Vers turns around to see Wendy standing behind her) [Wendy Lawson] Wonderful view isn't it? [Vers] I prefer the view from up there. [Wendy Lawson] You'll get there soon enough... [General Talos (voiceover)] Focus. [Vers] Excuse me? (Wendy Lawson talks, however her voice is drowned out by General Talos' voiceover) [General Talos (voiceover)] Look down. (The camera pans down to the nametag on Wendy Lawson's shirt) [General Talos (voiceover)] Focus. Pegasus, Dr. Wendy Lawson. That's her. [Carol] Can you hear that? [General Talos (voiceover)] Do we have the location? (The camera shows Vers continuing to talk, but a flash of blue lighting interrupts the scene, before returning to Vers talking to Wendy) [Skrull Tech (voiceover)] Got it. [General Talos (voiceover)] Now track Lawson until we find the energy signature. (The scene changes back to Vers' dream, where Lawson is holding a gun towards an unknown person) [General Talos (voiceover)] Interesting. (Vers' dream sequence continues through General Talos' voiceovers) [General Talos (voiceover)] Huh. Hold on. Go back right before this. Go back. (Once General Talos fires his weapon, the scene changes to Vers in a dogfight. General Talos continues to talk to Vers, but Vers is beginning to resist) [Carol] That's no MIG, Lawson. [General Talos (voiceover)] This is it. Now, let me see where you're headed. That's right, look at the coordinates. (Vers begins having flashbacks to directly after the explosion) Focus. (Vers shuts here eyes) Open, please. That's it. That's it. (Vers begins looking at the coordinates, but her vision is fuzzy)You're almost there.You're almost there. (Vers shuts her eyes, squeezing them shut) Don't fight it. (Vers visions about the explosion come back, this time focusing on the fire around the plane) Focus! (Carol ejects herself from the plane, descends down to Earth, and shuts her eyes) [General Talos (voiceover)] Get her back. Get her back now! (When Versopens her eyes, the scene suddenly changes to Vers with electricity running from a machine to her temples. Her vision is blurring, but shadows of upside-down Skrulls can be seen. As Vers looks around, the camera shows her restrained and hanging upside-down inside of a Skrull warship) [Skrull Scientist] This doesn't make any sense. [General Talos] Do we have any information we can act on? [Skrull Scientist] Just that Lawson was somewhere on the Planet C53. We're on our way. [General Talos] Then dig, dig, dig, deeper. Lawson is our link to that lightspeed engine! And everything we're after... (A Skrull taps Vers in the center of her forehead, which changes an image on a screen) [General Talos] Oh. That did something. Try that again. (The Skrull taps Vers on the forehead twice, before noticing that Vers' metal restraints are beginning to glow orange) [Skrull] Oh-uh. (Vers begins free from the restraints and begins to fight the Skrulls, one of the Skrulls raises their weapon, but General Talos lowers it) [General Talos] Not yet! (Vers fights the Skrulls in the room, before confronting Talos. Vers pushes Talos against a table, and holds a glowing orange restraint against his head) [Vers] What did you do to me? [General Talos] We're just after a little information. [Vers] What did you put in my head? [General Talos] Nothing that wasn't already there. [Vers] But those aren't my memories. [General Talos] Yeah, its like a bad trip in there. I'm not surprised you can't keep it straight. They really did a number on you. [Vers] Enough of your mind games! What do you want? [General Talos] We're looking for the location of a Doctor Lawson and her light speed engine. [Vers] I don't know any Doctor Lawson. [General Talos] Then why is she in your head? (Skrulls begin running into the room from all different corridors. Vers throws General Talos against them before running off barefooted. Vers then runs around the ship, trying to find an exit, while fighting of the Skrulls, before she is stuck between two parties of advancing Skrulls) [Vers] You wouldn't know how these things come off would ya? No? Fine. (Vers begins fighting the Skrulls, with her hands still in the restraints. Once she has defeated the Skrulls, she runs off again before being confronted by General Talos and two others. She presses the pad to open the door with her bare foot. During this fight, she manages to free herself from the restraints by blasting energy from her hands until they break. However, this causes the glass of the ship to crack and Vers to be pulled outside. She then uses the energy in her hands to fly inside towards the room where she was held captive) [Vers] Hey! (The Skrulls working at the computers put their hands up in surrender, but Vers just picks up her shoes before fighting a Skrull for an escape pod, attracting the attention of Talos) [Talos] Leaving so soon? We're just getting to know each other. (Vers blasts a wave of energy towards Talos' head, which he ducks underneath. Vers continues starting the pod and flys down to Earth. On the flight down, the pod begins to break, and Vers is forced out and is thrown down into a Blockbuster store) (The scene changes to the inside of an empty Blockbuster store. The lights are on and hanging at angles, the shelves are half-empty and Vers is covered in material from the roof. Vers stands up slowly and turns in a circle, taking in her surroundings. When she turns around and sees a life-size poster, she shoots an energy blast towards it, causing the head to fall off and the neck to erupt in flames) [Vers] Vers to Star Force Command. Do you read me? (Vers begins to walk through an aisle, looking at the movies on the shelf) [Vers] Hello? Do you copy? (Vers stops, picks up a movie and reads the summary. She becomes intrigued with something outside, and walks towards it. The scene then changes to a shopping strip, outside of the Blockbuster. Vers wipes dust off of her shoulders before walking towards a car and knocking on its window) [Vers] Hi, I'm Vers. Kree Star Force. Is this C-53? Do you understand me? Is my universal translator working? [Security Officer] Yeah, I understand you. [Vers] Oh, good. Are you in charge of security for this district? [Security Officer] Sort of. The movie theatre has its own guy. [Vers] Where can I find communications equipment? (The security officer points towards Radio Shack) [Vers] Thank you. (The scene changes to a shot of Skrulls walking towards the beach from within the waves. They look around, trying to find a person to imitate. General Talos finds a young women surfing, and changes into her) [General Talos] Track the pod, find the girl. She knows more than she knows. (The scene changes to show that the three Skrulls have also changed into surfers from the beach, however Talos and another are identical) [General Talos] Hey, this one's taken. (The scene changes back to the shopping strip, now in daylight. Vers is tinkering with her communications equipment with parts from Radio Shack and a payphone. She turns on her communicator and calls Yon-Rogg. The camera switches between Vers at the shopping strip and Yon-Rogg on the ship) [Vers] Come on. [Yon-Rogg] Vers. Verify, CTC39. [Vers] GRX31600, and I'm fine thank you for asking. Is everyone ok, what happened? [Yon-Rogg] Skrull ambush. I thought we'd lost you. Did you find Soh-Larr? [Vers] It wasn't Soh-Larr. Talos simmed him, even knew his code. [Yon-Rogg] That's impossible. That code was buried in his unconscious. [Vers] The Skrulls messed with my mind. The machine that they used, I think it was how they extracted Soh-Larr's code. [Yon-Rogg] Vers, where are you? [Vers] I'm on planet C-53. The Skrulls are looking for someone named Lawson. [Yon-Rogg] Who? [Vers] She's... who I see... [Yon-Rogg] She's what? Vers. Vers, what? [Vers] She's a scientist. They think that she's cracked the code on light speed tech. I have to get to her before they do, or else they'll be able to invade new galaxies. [Yon-Rogg] No. You've been caught once already. How far to C-53? [Bron-Char] Closest jump point is 22 hours. [Yon-Rogg] Vers. Hold your position until we get there, keep your comms online so that we can contact you. [Vers] No! What if they get a hold of it before... (The payphone disconnects. The camera shows Yon-Rogg on the ship) [Yon-Rogg] Vers? Vers! [Korath] If the Skrulls have got to her, she's compromised. [Yon-Rogg] She's stronger than you think. [Bron-Char] Have you visited C-53? [Minn-Erva] Once, it's a real shithole. (Camera switches back to Vers standing in the phone booth. Police cars speed down the road behind her before turning and parking outside the Blockbuster store. Phill Coulson and Nick Fury step out of an unmarked police car. Coulson walks towards the security car, while Fury begins to examine the store) [Coulson] You call this in? (The security guard nods before pointing at Vers. Vers is then seen activating her beacon, while Nick Fury walks up behind her and taps on the glass surrounding the phone booth) [Fury] Excuse me miss, do you know anything about a lady who went through the roof of that Blockbuster over there? Witness says she was dressed for laser tag. [Vers] Oh. Yeah, I think she went that way. (Vers tries to walk off, but Fury steps in front of her) [Fury] Ah. I'd like to ask you some questions. Maybe give you the 4-1-1 on late night drop-bys. Could I see some identification, please? [Vers] Vers. Kree Star Force. We don't carry identification on metal cards. (Vers tries to walk off again, and Fury stops her) [Fury] Vers. Star Force. How long are you planning on being in town? [Vers] Oh, I'll be out of your hair as soon as I track down the Skrulls which are infiltrating your planet. [Fury] Skrulls? [Vers] Shape-shifters. They can transform into any lifeform down to the DNA. Oh boy, you guys don't have a clue do you? [Fury] Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hold on. How do we know that you're not one of those... shapeshifters? [Vers] Congratulations Agent Fury. You have finally asked a relevant question. [Fury] Oh! Congratulations to you Star Force Lady. You're under arrest. (A policewoman steps forward to arrest Vers, however, Vers sees one of the Skrulls from the beach on a nearby rooftop and shoots an energy blast at them. Vers then runs towards the building, and Fury grabs his gun and runs towards the car. The Skrull runs across the rooftop, jumping over pipes while Fury runs along the footpath at the front of the building. The Skrull runs up the stairs, towards a train and transforms into an old lady who exits the train in front of him. Carol jumps up to the platform and runs into the same old lady. Vers then chases the train down the platform and jumps on top of it. Fury sees Vers hanging onto the train and turns the car around to pursue it. Vers then walks through the train, observing all the passengers) [Stan Lee (1922-2018 R.I.P)] (Reading the script for Mallrats) Trust me, true believer. Trust me- (Vers lowers the script to see the the truest Avenger, who smiles at her. She smiles back, then she continues to looks for the Skrull.) [Stan Lee (1922-2018 R.I.P)] (continuing his lines) Trust me, true believer. (Vers keeps looking before seeing the old lady. Vers then punches her, causing a fight before being pulled off the lady by a group of passengers. The lady escapes before changing into one of the men and walking into the next carriage and jumping onto the roof. Vers follows the man onto the roof and continues to fight him. Fury's car continues to follow the train track, barely avoiding the carnage being thrown off the roof by Vers and the Skrull) [Coulson] Train's heading for a tunnel up ahead. [Fury] Let's greet them at the station. [Coulon (over comms)] Fury, this is Agent Colson. Umm, I'm still here at the Blockbuster and where did everybody go? I've finished collecting evidence. (The Skrull disguised as Coulson draws his weapon and points it towards Fury. They struggle for the gun before Fury turns the car into an oncoming bus, killing the Skrull) (The scene changes to Vers alone outside of a building. She places a Skrull USB into the computer attached to her arm and looks through the file, containing information from her interrogation. The computer shows different images from her interrogation before it sparks and Vers removes the USB. The scene then changes to Vers inside of an internet Cafe, googling the information from the Skrull's. The scene changes again, this time to Vers standing outside of the Cafe holding a map. A biker comes along and parks next to where Vers is standing) [Biker] Nice scuba suit. (The biker revs his engine, causing Vers to look towards him before looking back at her map) [Biker] Line up honey, heh? Got a smile for me? (The biker then enters the shop. Vers then looks towards the bike again before taking some clothes from a nearby store and leaving on the bike) (The scene then changes to the autopsy of the dead Skrull) [Medical Examiner] All life on Earth is carbon-based, not this guy. Whatever he runs on, it's not on the periodic table. [Fury] You're saying he's not from around here? [Medical Examiner] Hey, how's your eye? [Fury] Well, I'd say fine. But it can't believe what it's seeing. [Director] You said, that this thing looked like Coulson? [Fury] Talked like him too. [Director] The woman said that there were more? [Fury] The word she used was infiltration. [Director] Belive her? [Fury] Not 'till I say this. [Director] What's your plan? [Fury] I got to find Blockbuster girl. I got word on a motorcycle thief which fits her description. She can tell us why these lizards are here, maybe she can tell us how to kick them to the curb. [Director] Good. Do it alone though. Can't trust anyone. Not even our own men. [Fury] Yes sir. (Fury walks away, leaving the Director of SHIELD and the Medical Examiner with the dead Skrull) [Director] Wow, they're ugly bastards aren't they? [Medical Examiner] Yeah, well. They're not Brad Pitt sir. (The Directors leans down until he's just above the dead Skrull) [Director (whispers)] Safe journey to the beyond my friend. I will finish what we started. [Medical Examiner] I wouldn't get too close there boss. [Director] No-one in or out. (The scene changes to Vers driving the motorcycle across the desert on an almost empty highway. She overtakes a car, then pulls into a parking lot outside of a bar before walking inside. Vers looks around, remembering the vision from the Skrull interrogation of her and Maria inside the bar. The camera pans to show visions of Vers playing an arcade game, drinking with Maria and singing karaoke. Vers then walks over to a wall covered in pictures of Air Force fighter jets, before fixating on one with the Pegasus logo on the tail. While Vers is looking at the photos, the bartender walks past her) [Bartender] What can I get ya? [Vers] Where was this photograph taken? [Bartender] At an airport? [Vers] Where's Pegasus? [Fury] That's classified. Not unlike the file I started on you. (Vers then walks behind the bartender and into view. The bartender then walks away confused) [Fury] But I see you changed it up a bit since then. Grunge is a good look for you. [Vers:] Did you have a rough day Agent Fury? [Fury] It's cool. You know, space invasion, big car chase, got to watch an alien autopsy. Typical 9 to 5. [Vers] So you saw one? [Fury] I was never one to believe in aliens. But I can't unsee that. [Vers] This is gonna get a little awkward but I gotta ask. [Fury] You think I'm one of those green things. [Vers] Can't be too careful. [Fury] You are looking at 100 percent red-blooded Earthman. [Vers] I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof. [Fury] We talking cheek swab or urine sample. [Carol] No. The DNA would match. [Fury] Well my AOL password. [Vers] Skrulls can only assume recent memories of their host bodies. [Fury] Oh oh! You wanna get personal. [Vers] Where were you born? [Fury] Huntsville, Alabama. But technically I don't remember that part. [Vers:] Name of your first pet. [Fury] Mr. Snuffers. [Vers] Mr. Snuffers? [Fury] That's what I said. Did I pass? [Vers] Not yet. First job? [Fury] Soldier, straight out of high school. Got the ranks of full breed Colonel. [Vers] And then? [Fury] Spy. [Vers] Where? [Fury] It was the Cold War, we were everywhere. Uh... Belfast, Bucharest, Belgrade, Budapest. [Vers] Now? [Fury] Been riding a desk for the past few years, trying to figure out where our future enemies are coming from. Never occurred to me that they'd be coming from above. [Vers] Name a detail so bizarre a Skrull could never fabricate it. [Fury] If toast is cut diagonally, I can't eat it. You didn't need that did you? [Vers] No. No, I didn't. But I enjoyed it. [Fury] Ok. Your turn. Prove you're not a Skrull. (Vers calmly blasts energy out of her fists towards a jukebox on the opposite side of the room before resting her head back on her fist. Fury continues to look towards the jukebox, both concerned and confused) [Fury] And how is that supposed to prove to me that your not a Skrull? [Vers] It's a photon blast. [Fury] And...? [Vers] A Skrull can't do that. So a full-bred colonel turned spy turned SHIELD agent must have pretty high-security clearance. Where's Pegasus? (The scene changes to a black car driving through an empty highway next to a mountain, before changing to the inside of the car showing Fury driving and Vers in the passenger seat) [Fury] So the Skrulls are alien races which infiltrate and overtake alien planets. And you're a Kree, a race of noble warriors. [Vers] Heroes. Noble warrior heroes. [Fury] So um. What do Skrulls want with Dr. Lawson? [Vers] They believe she developed a light speed engine at Pegasus. [Fury] Light speed engine? I've got to admit, that's not the craziest thing I've heard today. [Vers] Well, it's still early. [Fury] And you, what do you want? [Vers] To stop the Skrulls before they become unstoppable. [Fury] And...? Look, war is a universal language. I know a rogue soldier when I see one, you've got a personal stake in this. (The camera pans out to show the car arriving at a bunker. It then follows the car down the driveway and towards the security checkpoint) [Security Checkpoint] This is a government property, turn your vehicle around. [Fury] Nicholas Joseph Fury, Agent of SHIELD. [Security Checkpoint] Place your thumb on the pad. One moment. [Vers] Nicholas Joseph Fury, you have three names? [Fury] Everybody calls me Fury. Not Nicholas, not Joseph, not Nick. Just Fury. [Vers] What does your mom call you? [Fury] Fury. [Vers] What do you call her? [Fury] Fury. [Vers] What about your kids? [Fury] If I have them, they'll call me Fury. [Security Checkpoint] You're cleared for access. [Fury] Thank you. (The gate in front of the bar opens and the car drives down the driveway and into a tunnel. The writing "Project Pegasus, Joint NASA USAF Facility" appear on the screen when the car enters the tunnel. Fury continues to drive through the tunnel before reaching the end and parking beside another car. Vers and himself step out of the car and shut the doors) [Fury] Oh, hold up. You look like somebody's disaffected niece. Put that on. (Fury throws a grey baseball cap with SHIELD's logo at Carol) [Vers] What is this? (gesturing towards the logo) [Fury] It's the SHIELD logo. [Vers] Does announcing your identity on clothing help with the covert part of your job. [Fury] Said the space soldier who was wearing a rubber suit. (Vers puts the cap on, and looks at Fury annoyed) [Fury] Lose the flannel. (Vers takes off the flannel shirt hanging around her waist and throws it into the car. Vers and Fury then walk over to the edge of the carpark, showing an airplane hanger full of planes set up similar to that in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. A security guard from Pegasus and two armed airmen approach them from behind) [Security] How can I help you? [Fury] We're agents of SHIELD. (Fury hands his badge to the security officer before looking at Fury) [Vers] We're looking for a woman named Lawson. [Fury] A Dr. Wendy Lawson. [Vers] Do you know her? (The security officer hands back Fury's badge and directs them) [Security] Follow me. [Vers] Hmm. (Vers and Fury follow the security officer but are directed towards a holding facility. The scene cuts to Vers and Fury sitting in an office, both incredibly bored. Fury is leaning forward, placing his elbows on his knees while Vers is leaning back against the wall with her arms crossed.) [Fury] Are you familiar with the phrase "Welcome Wagon"? [Vers] No. [Fury] Well, this ain't it. (Fury then tries to leave the room by placing his thumb on a scanner near the door. The scanner looks at his fingerprint before blinking red. Fury then sighs before reaching into his pocket to grab his pager) [Vers] Is that a communicator? (Fury stands up, walk across the room and begins typing on his pager) [Fury] Yeah. State-of-the-art two-way pager. [Vers] Who are you paging? [Fury] My mom. Don't worry, I didn't mention you. (The text on the pager reads "DETAINED WITH TARGET. NEED BACKUP") (Vers stands up and walks towards the door and tries opening it with her fingerprint, before walking across the room to look at a map of the facility. At the same time, Fury then takes out his badge and looks at it carefully under the lights. He takes a piece of sticky tape, presses it against his badge before walking across the room and placing it on the scanner. When Fury begins walking across the room, Vers sits on the desk and watches him. The scanner reads the fingerprint before glowing green and opening the door) [Fury] After you. [Vers] Impressive. [Fury] Oh. You should see what I can do with a paperclip. (Vers and Fury walk out of the room. The camera then skips, showing them leaving an elevator on the level holding records. As they are walking towards the records room, Goose walks up to Fury and Vers causing Fury to fawn over the cat) [Fury] Hey, there. How are you? (Fury leans down to pet Goose but Vers stands back, observing the cat with a sense of deja vu) [Fury] Oh my goodness. Look at you. Just look at you. Aren't you the cutest little thing. (Fury continues to fawn over the cat, even picking up Goose but Vers continues walking through the corridor looking for the records. Vers eventually finds the room before turning around and watching Fury with disinterest) [Fury] Aren't you cute? And what's your name, huh? What's your name? "Goose", cool name for a cool cat. [Vers] Fury. (Both Fury and Goose turn to look at Vers. Vers nods towards the door) [Fury] (to Goose): I'll be back. (Fury walks away from Goose and stands next to Vers outside a door labeled "Records") [Fury] Oh. Let me get my fingerprint out. Just let me unravel this puppy. (While Fury is unwrapping the piece of sticky tape, Vers shoots energy out of her fist causing the handle and lock to disappear) [Fury] You sat there and watched me play with tape? When all you had to do was... (Fury imitates Vers shooting the energy) [Vers] I didn't want to steal your thunder. (Vers and Fury walk into the records room. The room is originally dark, but the lights turn on row by row revealing a massive warehouse of shelves full of boxes. Vers and Fury walk past a few aisles before stopping and turning into one. Vers looks at all the boxes carefully before finding the one she wants) [Vers] Huh. Lawson. (Vers pulls two boxes off the shelf. She hands the first to Fury and then places the second on the floor before removing files. Randomly, Goose appears at the end of the aisle) [Vers] Ha. Lawson's plan for the light-speed engine. I wonder why they terminated the project. [Fury] Um, maybe because she's cuckoo. (Fury shows Vers a page from a notebook, covered in hieroglyphics which Vers instantly recognizes) [Vers] Kree glyphs? [Fury] Hmm? [Vers] Lawson is not cuckoo. She's Kree. [Fury] Well, she's dead. [Vers] What? [Fury] She crashed the ASIS aircraft during an unauthorized test flight. Took a pilot down with her. That's why security here's so unfriendly. They're covering up a billion dollar mistake. Oh, and your light-speed engine is toast. (Fury shows Vers a black and white photograph of a site of the plane crash. The image is a satellite photo of a flat beach next to a mountain, however, the beach has a track leading up to a circle caused by an explosion. Vers turns over the next photo, showing the beach from eye level; the sand was pushed up into large ridges by the explosion) [Vers] When did this crash happen? [Fury] Six years ago. 1989. [Vers] Who was the pilot? [Fury] Um, most of this thing's redacted but there is a testimonial here from a Maria Rambeau. Last person to see them both alive. (Fury's pager begins to buzz) [Fury] You OK? [Vers] Mm-hmm. [Fury] Back in a minute. (Once Fury's gone, Vers reaches into the pile of file's in Fury's box and reads the testimonial and crash report. While she is flipping through the file, she stops at an image of Dr. Lawson, Maria, a pilot and herself in the background) (A flashback then starts. A fighter jet suddenly takes off from a tarmac. Dr. Lawson speaks to Vers and Maria while the two pilots admire the plane) [Lawson] This isn't about fighting wars. It's about ending them. (The flashback continues, with Vers attempting to land the new plane but crashing through trees before abruptly finishing) (The scene then cuts to Vers on the phone with Yon-Rogg) [Vers] I know Lawson was Kree. She was here on C-53 and died in a plane crash. Do you know anything about this? [Yon-Rogg] I just discovered a mission report sent from C-53. There's only so much I'm cleared to tell you Vers, but... (looks to see no one is looking) Lawson was an undercover Kree operative named Mar-Vell. She was working on a unique energy core. Experimenting with tech that apparently could help us win the war. (Scene suddenly changes to show four or five black sedans racing through the entrance tunnel before abruptly pulling up. The director of SHIELD then steps out of the passenger side door of the first car) [Director] Still here? [Fury] She's co-operating with the investigation sir. [Director] You men stay here. (The director points towards the men in the other cars before himself and Fury walk towards the elevators) [Director] I want to question her alone. Excellent work Nicholas. (As the Director and Fury step inside the elevator, Fury turns around and looks at the director with a questioning look before the doors close in front of them. The scene then changes back to Vers and Yon-Rogg on the phone) [Vers] Does it say anything about me? [Yon-Rogg] Anything about you? No, of course not. Why would it? [Vers] I found evidence that I had a life here. [Yon-Rogg] On C-53? [Vers] Mar-Vell is who I see in the Supreme Intelligence. I knew her. And I knew her as Lawson. [Yon-Rogg] This sounds like Skrull simulation Vers. [Vers] No its not! 'Cause I remember I was here! [Yon-Rogg] Stop! Remember your training. Know your enemy. It could be you. Do not let your emotions undermine your judgment. (Scene changes back to the elevator with Fury and the Director) [Fury] She's on sub-level 6. I'll get off on 5, take the stairs in case she runs for it. Do a pincer move, like we did in Havana. [Director] Right. Like we did in Havana. (The elevator buzzes and the doors open. Fury steps off and walks away while the Director stays in the elevator. The scene changes back to Vers and Yon-Rogg) [Yon-Rogg] We're nearing the jump-point. Leave your beacon on so I can find you. We'll get to the bottom of this Vers. Together. [Vers] Ok. (Vers then hangs up the phone. The scene then changes to show the Director stepping off the elevator on an abandoned level, probably a boiler room. The director looks around confused before the scene changes to show Fury walking through an aisle of cabinets) [Fury] Vers!... Vers! (The lights turn on at the end of the corrdior, showing a SWAT-like team following the director. Fury quickly jumps into a random aisle. The SWAT team then search through every aisle looking for either Fury or Vers. As this is happening, Vers is seen walking down the stairs towards sub-level 6 with Coulson and another agent on the flight of stairs above her) [Agent] Fury's colluding with the target. [Coulson] Then why did he call us in? [Agent] All I know is that we take him in too. Dead or alive. [Coulson] Dead or alive? (Vers, standing directly underneath them hears this conversation and, after a moment of contemplation, decides to turn back around and walk up the stairs to find Fury. Fury is then seen hiding at the end of an aisle of cupboards, peeking his head around one side before throwing an empty can across the room. The lights suddenly turn on and a team of agents runs towards the can. Fury then walks through the aisle, before peering his head around. However, when Fury does this, the director points a gun at his head) [Director] Is it something I said? (Fury hits the gun away from his head, leading to a long struggle between the two men with the Director being victorious) [Director] Now you know, I don't really need these to see (holding up his glasses which were knocked off during the fight). But, they do kinda complete the look (the Director's voice suddenly changes into the voice of Skrull General Talos). Don't you think? (During this monologue, the Director advances towards Fury, who is lying on his back in defeat. However, an energy blast suddenly appears blasting straight into his chest and sending him flying backward. Several teams of agents suddenly appear standing near the Director, with their guns drawn. But the camera tilts to show a hole burnt through the roof, and Vers and Fury running along a corridor on the level above) [Vers] You called them in? [Fury] My bad! (Vers and Fury turn a corner, and they are suddenly running up a flight of stairs however, Coulson is standing direclty above them with his gun drawn. Vers' hand lights up but Coulson lowers his weapon before letting both of them walk through the door behind them) [Agent] Coulson, you have eyes on them? [Coulson] They're not down here. Let's try up there. (Vers and Fury then sprint out of the corridor before barricading the door behind them with a piece of metal. Vers then holds out her hand, expecting Fury to give her something. When he doesn't, she hits him and holds her hand out again) [Fury] What? [Vers] Your communicator. You obviously can't be trusted with it. (Fury hands over his pager, as the agents slam into the door behind them. The agents are heard struggling, but Vers and Fury run over towards cover. The agents eventually push through, but Vers and Fury are already hidden behind a tower of boxes. Vers then observes her surroundings, looking for a way out before hitting Fury and gesturing towards a plane, which has a striking resemblance to a Star Wars ship. The agents continue to search, even walking past were Vers and Fury were hiding, but the duo are already in the cockpit) [Fury] Do you know how to fly this thing? [Vers] Uh... we'll see. [Fury] That's a yes or no question. (Vers purposefully plays with a few switches, causing the engine to roar to life and the wings to extend) [Vers] Yes. (The Director hears the engine come to life and turns around to see the plane alive. Vers then pushes a lever forward and causes the plane to lift) [Fury] That's what I'm talking about! (The Director and the agents shoot meaninglessly at the plane, but the plane continues to lift off and fly normally. Vers flies the plane out of the underground tarmac area, and over the open desert before the plane begins gaining altitude quickly. Suddenly, a meowing sound can be heard from the back of the plane. Both Vers and Fury turn to see Goose pushed against a crate) [Fury] We've got a stowaway. [Vers] Hang on Goose. (Vers then stops the plane from gaining altitude and Goose pushes himself off the crate, onto his four legs. Goose then happily walks up to the cockpit before trying to climb into Vers' lap. Vers pick him up and places him on the console before Goose lies down) [Fury] Who's a good kitty huh? Huh Goose? Yes, that's right. Who's a good kitty Goose? You're a good kitty. (Goose responds to Fury by lying down comfortably and staring at him) [Vers] See anyone you know? Funny story... I arrived on Hala, near dead, no memory... That was six years ago. [Fury] So you think you're the pilot that went down with Dr Lawson. [Vers] I'm saying that the last person to see them alive can probably tell us. [Fury] Maria Rambeau. [Carol] Mmhmm. So how do we get to Louisianna? [Fury] Due East. Hang a right at Memphis. [Vers] That agent, that stopped the Skrulls from fighting us... [Fury] Coulson. New guy. Guess he doesn't hate me yet. [Vers] Yeah well, give him time. [Fury] I guess he had a feeling, went with his gut against orders. It's a really hard thing to do. That's what keeps us human. [Vers] I get in trouble for that. A lot. [Fury] I see that about you (Vers and Fury laugh about this). Rescuing the guy how sold you out to the Skrulls. I guess that's not standard Kree operating procedure. [Vers] Well, I won't tell your boss if you don't tell mine. (The scene then changes to the Kree ship approaching a jump-point. Yon-Rogg is seen walking towards the holograph, which is later shown the be Ronan the Accusor) [Yon-Rogg] Ronan. [Ronan] The Accusors have completed their operation but the greater mission was a failure thanks to your team. [Yon-Rogg] It was a trap. To lure our operative Vers to talk for her kidnapper. [Ronan] Give us the location, we'll take care of the terrorist threat. [Yon-Rogg] By bombing them out of the galaxy. No. We'll handle this. [Ronan] Several Skrulls anywhere is a threat to Kree everywhere. Where are they? [Korath] They are... [Yon-Rogg] Lost. They are lost, for now. But we will find them. [Ronan] Do so, or we will. (Ronan disappear, leaving only Yon-Rogg and Korath) [Yon-Rogg] Maintain the course for C-53. (The scene changes to show a traditional suburban house behind a forest of trees. On closer inspection, Maria Rambo is tinkering on a workstation beside a small two-seater plane. Vers approaches Maria carefully, almost unsure of what to say or do. Once Vers speaks, Monica Rambeau quickly exits the plane she was exploring) [Vers] Excuse me, I'm looking for Maria Rambeau. [Monica] Aunty Carol? Mom, it's Aunty Carol! I knew it, everybody said you were dead but we knew they were lying. (Monica jumps off the plane and runs to Vers to hug her. Vers stands awkwardly, unaware of how the child is) [Vers] I'm not really who you think I am. (The scene changes to the inside of the house. Maria and Monica are sitting at a small dining table, Vers is leaning against the counter and Fury is leaning against the wall) [Maria] That is the craziest shit I have ever heard. [Monica] Green-transforming aliens? There's no such thing. [Fury] You're absolutely right, young lady. There is no such thing. 'Cause if there were, we would want to keep that to ourselves. (Fury looks towards Vers accusingly) [Vers] You don't believe me. (Vers stand up and walks towards the stove, where a pot of unboiled water sits on the stove. She stands next to the stove, with one hand on the kettle and begins heating it up, her hand glowing blue and orange. When this starts, Monica stands up, both fascinated and curious, and walks over to the stove. Quickly, the kettle begins to boil, blowing steam out and making a whistling noise) [Monica] No way. That's so cool. [Fury] Oh, ho. She can do a lot more than just make tea with those hands. [Monica] Like what? Show us. 'Vers:' Maybe later. [Monica] I kept all your stuff, I'll go get it. [Vers (to Fury)] You want to give her a hand with that? [Fury] Mmm?? (Fury then follows Monica off-screen, leaving Vers alone with Maria, who hasn't said a word since the incident with the kettle. Vers walks from behind the counter and sits opposite Maria at the table) [Maria] You don't remember anything? [Vers] I see... flashes. Little moments, but I can't tell what's real. If I could just piece together what happened that morning, maybe it'll all make sense? [Maria] You woke me up, banging on my door at dawn. Your usual move. Back then we had to get up so early, the Air Force still wasn't letting women fly combat, so testing Lawson's planes was our only shot at doing something that mattered. And you wanted to race to base, in your old Mustang, and I wasn't about to argue, 'cause I knew my Camaro would dominate. But you cheated, took a shortcut. [Vers] Since when is a shortcut cheating? [Maria] Since it violates the pre-determined rules of engagement. [Vers] I definitely don't remember those. [Maria] Mmm, of course you don't. (both Maria and Vers laugh for a bit) When I got to the hanger, Lawson was agitated, she said 'she had lives to save'. She was trying to take the Aces up herself, but you said... [Vers] 'If there were lives at stake, I would fly the plane.' [Maria] Yup. Big hero moment. The kind of moment we've both been waiting for. The Doc was always unique. That's why I liked her. But, now you're saying she's from another planet. [Vers] I know this must be hard for you. [Maria] What, this part right here? No, no. Know what's hard? Losing my best friend, in a mission so secret they act like it never even happened. Hard... is knowing you were out there somewhere, too damn stubborn to die. And now you come up in here after 6 years... with your super-charged fire-hands and you expect me to call you... I don't even know what... 'Vers'? Is that really who you are now? [Vers] I don't know. [Monica] Come look. (Monica has brought a box of Vers' things onto the dining table in an adjacent room. Fury looks through a few photos before putting them back and stepping away from the table. Vers walks into the room and stands behind Monica, who is showing her a photo) [Monica] This is me and you on Halloween. (Monica shows Vers a photo of a young Monica dressed as a pilot sitting next to Vers) [Monica] I'm Amelia Earhart and you're Janis Joplin. Oh, this is you when you were little, you didn't get along with your parents so Mom said we became your real family. (Monica shows Vers a photo of a young Vers standing next to her father) [Monica] This is us on Christmas. I got more... (Monica shows Vers photo after photo, starting with Monica, Vers and Maria sitting in front of a Christmas tree, then a photo of young Vers dressed as a pilot, then a photo of Vers sitting in a bar) [Monica] Here's another picture of when you were little. And this is how you right after you graduated... (Monica continues to talk, but the words start to mix together). (The camera pans over all the photos which Monica has shown and is showing to Vers. In addition to the other photos, there is one of her Air Force graduation, one of her squadron standing in front of a plane, one of her and Monica carving a pumpkin and another of Vers dressed as Janis Joplin) [Monica] Oh wait. I forgot, your jacket. Mom doesn't let me wear it anymore after I spilled ketchup on it. (Monica runs off to retrieve Vers' jacket. Once Monica has left, Vers looks at the pictures again, pushing them around to better see ones underneath. Vers continues looking through the pictures before she comes across her old dog tag, which has been burnt) [Maria] That was all that survived the crash. Or so we thought. (The door knocks, and Maria moves forward to answer the door) [Vers] Don't answer that. [Maria] It's just my neighbor. [Vers] They can change into anyone. (Fury and Vers walk towards the door and try to see who is outside. Vers answers the door and stares unfriendly at Maria's neighbor, Tom) [Tom] Hi there. [Vers] What do you want? [Tom] Ummm... [Maria] Hey Tom. This is my friend Carol. [Tom] Pleased to meet you. Yow! Static electricity out here's no joke. I noted that peculiar bird you got parked by the road, and I was just wondering if you'd mind if I bring the boys over to get a closer looksie? [Vers] A closer looksie? [Tom] Yeah. [Vers] To see the bird parked out by the road. You're really working overtime to sell this one, aren't you Talos? [Maria] I'm sorry. Tom, this isn't really a good time. I'll come by tomorrow? Okay? [Tom] Uhh... [Maria] Okay. (Maria closes the door, but Vers continues to stare at Tom. Once Maria has closed the door, a voice is heard behind them. Fury draws his weapon and aims it towards the voice, Vers' hands light up and Maria stands there confused) [Talos] You know, you really should be kinder to your neighbors. You never know when you're gonna need to borrow some sugar. (Talos takes a sip of the milkshake he is holding while Carol begins to advance towards him, her hands glowing more now) [Talos] Now, hang on a second, before you go swinging those jazz hands around, making a mess in your friend's house - and... it's a lovely home. [Maria] Oh my God. What the hell?! (Maria is staring out the window, looking at herself playing with Monica) [Talos] No one's gonna hurt the girl. Just, don't kill me. That would really complicate the situation. [Fury] I'm about five seconds from complicating that wall with some ugly-ass Skrull brains. [Talos] I'm sorry I simmed your boss. But now I stand before you as my true self. Without deception. [Vers] And who is that, out there? [Talos] Okay, that's a fair point. But I'm sure that you understand, I had to take some precautions. I saw you crush 20 of my best men with your hands bound. I just wanna talk. [Vers] Last time we talked, I ended up hanging from my ankles. [Talos] That was before I knew who you were. Before I found what made you different from the others. I have an audio recording from Pegasus, of your voice, from a plane crash six years ago. On a device I believe you call a 'black box'. [Maria] They told me it was destroyed in the crash. How'd you get it? [Talos] Does she not understand? Young lady I have a special skill that kinda allows me to get into places I'm not supposed to be. [Maria] Call me young lady again, and I'm gonna put my foot in a place it's not supposed to be. [Talos] Am I supposed to guess where that is? [Fury and Maria] Your ass. [Talos] Okay, I get it. We're all a little on edge here. But look, I just need your help decoding some coordinates. If you sit down, you listen to this, I assure you, it'll be worth your while. [Carol] Call your buddy back inside and I'll listen. [Talos] Deal. (Goose walks onto the scene and begins pressing himself against Talos' legs. Talos, surprised jumps backwards) [Talos] Oh my God! Get that thing away! How'd that get in here? (Vers picks up Goose, and holds him out towards Talos. Carol walks towards Talos, with her arms still extended, causing Talos to walk backwards) [Vers] The cat? This isn't what you're afraid of, is it? [Talos] That's not a cat. That's a Flerken. [Fury] A Flerken? (Fury laughs) (Monica walks into the house and sees Maria standing next to Carol and Fury. She looks around and sees the Skrull assuming its true form) [Monica] Mom? (The scene changes to the outside of a barn, with Monica sitting outside on the bench and Maria trying to stop her from coming inside) [Monica] Why can't I listen to? (Monica puts earplugs in her ears and Maria walks inside, revealing a study. Vers, Fury, and Talos are already inside, waiting for Maria to play the tape. Maria puts the CD in the computer tower and the computer begins loading the tape. A loading bar appears on the screen, with the bar moving slowly across the screen) [Vers] What's happening? [Fury] It's loading. (The camera cuts back to the screen, with the tape almost loaded) [Lawson (audio)] Punch in the coordinates. 5229, -47, 8.768, 0.2. [Vers (audio)] Copy that. Where are we going Doc? [Lawson (audio)] My laboratory. [Vers (audio)] Your laboratory? What do you mean? [Lawson (audio)] Oh no. [Vers (audio)] Is that... Wait, what is that? It's not showing up on my radar. [Lawson (audio)] Go Carol. Fly! (Scene changes to a flashback of the inside the airplane, with Vers in the cockpit and Lawson directly behind her. Outside the window, Earth can be seen with other planes flying around it) [Vers] That's no MIG, Lawson. Who the hell are they? [Lawson] Those are the bad guys. Fly faster, now. [Vers] Yes, ma'am. (Vers pushes a lever forward, causing the plane to speed up. The plane following them als also speeds up to catch them. The dogfight between the two planes continue, with Vers pushing the lever sideways in an effort to escape the other plane) What do they want? [Lawson] Me. My work. I never should have brought you along. [Vers] Here come some G's. (Vers pulls the lever backwards, causing the plane to flip in the air. After the flip, Vers and Lawson are trailing the other plane. However, when Vers fires the other plane fires back). They're firing backward. Hold on! (Vers pushes the lever sideways and the plane tilts into another revolution. However, the plane is hit and the wing bursts into flames. Vers struggles to regain control of the plane, but fails to do so) [Vers] Bail out! Bail out! Bail out! Stay with me Lawson! (Vers ejects the cockpit from the plane, and struggles to regain control. Once Vers has aligned the plane parallel to the ground, the plane crashes into a beach) [Maria] Danvers, do you copy? [Vers] Yeah, I copy. We hit ground. [Maria] Can anyone hear me? [Vers] Yeah. I copy! Doc? (Vers climbs out of the plane and attends to Lawson, whose head is slumped against her chest. Once Vers removes Lawson's helmet, she notices something is wrong) [Vers] Your blood... it's blue. [Lawson] Yeah, but, uh...how's my hair? Help me out. (Vers unbuckles Lawson's seatbelt and helps her out of the plane) [Lawson] I have to destroy it before they get here. (Vers helps Lawson walk a few steps away from the plane before Lawson falls over. Vers leans over Lawson and tries to help her stand up, but Lawson refuses) [Vers] What? Lawson? [Lawson] You remember what I said about our work here? What it's for? 'Vers:' To end wars? [Lawson] Yeah. But the wars are bigger than you know. Damn it! My name is not Lawson. My real name, is Mar-Vell and I come from a planet called Hala. [Vers] I would say that your delusional but we just got shot down by a spaceship and your blood is blue. [Lawson] Listen, I spent half my life fighting a shameful war. Now skedaddle before you give me any more regrets. Just remember the coordinates, okay? You've got to save them without me. [Vers] Save who? How? (Lawson ignores Vers' questions and pulls a gun out of her jacket) [Lawson] I've got to blow this engine before they find it. (Lawson sits up and attempts to shoot the plane, but she is shot through the heart by an attacker from the other ship. Vers watches Lawson fall and sits there in shot watching the assailant. Suddenly, Vers reaches for Lawson's gun and points in the direction of the attacker. Vers switches between looking at Lawson lying on the ground and the direction of the attacker. Eventually, Yon-Rogg appears walking towards Vers and Lawson. Vers, with her gun drawn, slowly walks towards the plane) [Yon-Rogg] We have no interest in hurting you. [Vers] No?! Because all the shooting kinda gave me the wrong impression! [Yon-Rogg] The energy core, where is it? [Vers] Pararescue's on the way. You have two minutes until you're surrounded. [Yon-Rogg] Then I see no reason to prolong this conversation. (Yon-Rogg draws his gun and points it towards Vers) [Vers] No wait. (Vers gestures towards the engine of the plane) You mean that energy core? (Both Vers and Yon-Rogg look at the engine of the plane. Vers then turns her weapon towards the engine and fires. Immediately, the engine bursts into blue and orange flames, causing Vers and Yon-Rogg to be thrown backward. Vers absorbs the energy, with the flames creating ripples around her. All around the crash site, rocks are turned into dust and trees disintigrate. Vers continues to absorb the energy, her hands begin to spark and her eyes glow bright blue. Shortly afterwards, the blast suddenly stops and Carol is thrown backward onto the ground, with her body still sparking. Yon-Rogg struggles to stand up, and watches Vers from his seated position. Yon-Rogg's team heard the noise and have suddenly appeared) [Minn-Erva] Commander, she's still moving. Permission to fire? [Yon-Rogg] Hold your fire. (Yon-Rogg walks up to the still-sparking Vers) [Minn-Erva] There's nothing left. The core has been destroyed. (Yon-Rogg continues looking at Vers, but notices a part of her dog-tag sitting in the dirt. He picks it up and sees "Vers" inscribed on it) [Yon-Rogg] She absorbed its power. She's coming with us. (The scene suddenly changes back into the present day, outside of the study. Vers is walking outside, confused) [Vers] He lied to me. (Maria, Fury, and Talos follow her outside slowly) [Vers] Everything that I knew was a lie. [Talos] Now you understand. [Vers] What? What do I understand now? [Talos] Yon-Rogg killed Mar-Vell. He killed her. Because she found out that she was on the wrong side of an unjust war. [Vers] No. Your people are terrorists... that kill innocents. I saw the ruins on Torfa. [Talos] Ruins that the Accusers are responsible for. My people lived as refugees on Torfa. Homeless, ever since we resisted Kree rule and they destroyed our planet. Now the handful of us that are left, will be slaughtered next...unless you will help me finish what Mar-Vell started. The coordinates you found, would've powered a lightspeed ship capable of carrying us to safety. A new home, where the Kree can't reach us. [Maria] Lawson always told us that her work at Pegasus wasn't to fight wars, but to end them. [Talos] She wanted you to help us find the core. [Vers] Well, I already destroyed it. [Talos] No, you destroyed the engine. The core that powered it is in a remote location. If you help us decode those coordinates, we can find it. [Vers] You'll use it to destroy us. [Talos] We just want a home. You and I lost everything at the hands of the Kree. Can't you see it now? You're not one of them. [Vers] You don't know me. You have no idea who I am. I don't even know who I am! [Maria] You are Carol Danvers. You are the woman on that black box risking her life to do the right thing. My best friend... who supported me as a mother, and a pilot when no one else did. You're smart and funny, and a huge pain in the ass. And you are the most powerful person I knew, way before you could shoot fire from your fist. You hear me? You hear me? (The scene changes back to the inside of the barn, with Talos, a Skrull scientist, Fury, Carol and Maria standing around a table) [Talos] I know I don't deserve your trust but you were our only lead. We discovered that your energy signature matched Mar-Vell's core. Now, we know why. If only you knew, the importance of it to me. I just need your help decoding the coordinates to Mar-Vell's lab. [Carol] Those weren't coordinates. They're safe vectors. [Fury] Orbital positioning and velocity. [Maria] You didn't find her lab on Earth, because it's not on Earth. [Carol] That was the location on the day of the crash six years ago. If we track its course, we'll find it, in orbit, right now. [Maria] It's just basic physics. [Talos] In orbit? Was that so difficult to figure out? I mean, you're my science guy, right? (The Skrull scientists nods then looks down briefly, disappointed in himself) [Carol] Yon-Rogg will catch up to you soon. We've got to get the core before he does. [Fury (while eating a sandwich)] Mmm. You're going to space? [Carol] In what? [Skrull Scientist] A few tweaks to your vessel should do it. I can handle the modifications. [Fury] Hmm. Your science guy. (The scene changes to the inside of the hanger, with Talos and the Skrull scientist modifying the plane which Carol and Fury flew. The scene then changes back to the inside of the house, with Carol and Maria sitting opposite each other at a table) [Carol] Well, I could use a co-pilot. [Maria] No. No, I... I can't. I can't leave Monica. [Monica] Why? It's okay. I can stay with grandma and pop-pop. [Maria] There's no way I'm going baby. It's too dangerous. [Monica] Testing brand new aerospace tech is dangerous. Didn't you used to do that? (Carol looks at Maria, smiling smuggly) [Maria] Your plan is to leave the atmosphere in a craft not designed for the journey, and you anticipate hostile encounters with a technologically superior foreign enemy. Correct? (Carol smiles and shrugs her shoulders.) [Monica] That's what I'm saying. You have to go. [Maria] Monica... [Monica] You have the chance to fly the coolest mission in the history of missions. And you're gonna give it up to sit on the couch and watch Fresh Prince with me? I just think that you should consider the kind of example you're setting for your daughter. (Maria looks towards Carol for help, but Carol is laughing at Maria's position. Carol then gives Monica a thumbs up) (The scene then changes to the outside of the house, with Maria walking towards a car, with her parents inside. Monica sits on the front step watching the encounter. Carol then walks outside with her Kree suit on and sits beside Monica) [Carol] Your Mom's lucky. When they were handing out kids, they gave her the toughest one. Lieutenant Trouble. [Monica] You remember. [Carol] Is that mine? (Carol looks at the jacket sitting in Monica's lap. However, Carol protests when Monica attempts to hand it over). No, no. You hang onto it until I come back. But there is something that I need your help with. I can't wear these Kree colors anymore, and since you're obviously the only person around here with any sense of style... (Carol stands up and presses a few buttons on her suit. Carol holds her arm out to Monica, allowing her to change the colors. She replaces the green with bright red and the yellow replacing the grey stripes) [Monica] No. (Monica presses the buttons again. This time, the suit changes to orange, blue and yellow) [Monica] Uh-uh. (Monica presses the buttons again. This time, the suit changes to black with neon lights lining the stripes) [Monica] Definitely not. (Both Carol and Monica laugh) (Monica changes the color again, this time to a white suit with green stripes) [Carol] Well, since we're on the same team... (Carol gestures to Monica's red, yellow and blue shirt. Monica then changes the colors to match her shirt. Carol's suit changes to a blue suit with yellow stripes and red gloves, boots, belt and shoulders) [Carol] How do I look? [Monica] Fresh. (The scene then changes to a path surrounded by grass. Almost immediately, Yon-Rogg steps onto the path and walks down it. He walks down the path and into a small house in the middle of the forest. Carol, in her Kree colors, is already standing inside and watches him enter) [Carol] What took you so long? [Yon-Rogg] I'm fine. Thanks for asking. [Carol] PRY46-B... [Yon-Rogg] No, no codes. That system is fallible, as we've learned. [Carol] Okay, then let's do this. [Yon-Rogg] Who do I see when I commune with the Supreme Intelligence? [Carol] The person you most admire and respect, I guess. But you would never tell me who. [Yon-Rogg] And what is your earliest memory of Hala? [Carol] The transfusion. Blue blood running through my veins. [Yon-Rogg] Whose blood? [Carol] (Carol looks sideways, confused and stumbed) Hmm. (Yon-Rogg shoots Carol, causing her to fly backward. Yon-Rogg then walks up to her and points his gun at her face) [Yon-Rogg] That's my blood that's coursing through her veins. (Carol suddenly turns into a Skrull) [Yon-Rogg] What have you done with her? [Skrull] You're too late. (Yon-Rogg begins walking away before stopping and turning around) [Yon-Rogg] She knows? (Before the Skrull can answer, Yon-Rogg shoots him. He puts his gun back in its holster before calling Ronan with the hologram in his arm) [Yon-Rogg] Ronan, Skrulls have infiltrated C-53. Come at once. [Ronan] For the good of all Kree, Commander the infestation will be eradicated. (The scene changes to the modified spaceship flying above the clouds before cutting to show Carol and Maria flying. The camera pans out to show Fury petting Goose and Talos looking at him uncomfortably) [Carol] Passing 500 and climbing. [Talos] You know, you really shouldn't have that thing on your lap. [Fury] Our little alliance with you is tenuous at best. And as long as he continues to freak you out (Fury picks up Goose and shoves him towards Talos' face. Talos jerks backward in his seat) like that, yeah I'm gonna keep giving him all the love and hugs he needs, right? [Maria] Can I ask you something? Do you just turn into anything you want? [Talos] Ah well, I have to see it first. [Maria] Can you all do it? [Talos] Physiologically, yeah. But it takes practice and, um, dare I say it, talent to do it well. [Fury] Can you turn into a cat? [Talos] What's a cat? [Maria] What about a filing cabinet? [Talos] Why would I turn into a filing cabinet? [Fury] A venus fly trap. I'll give you $50 right now if you turn into a venus fly trap. (Talos sighs, annoyed at Fury's jokes) [Carol] Switching engines from Scramjet to fusion. Buckle up, folks. (Carol pushes down a lever, causing the plane to suddenly climb further into the sky. In the plane, everybody is pushed back into their seats) [Fury] Hey. Is this normal, like space turbulence? [Carol] Pretty much. (Carol smiles at Fury's question, while Talos just looks towards him and shakes his head. The plane continues to fly directly upwards, inside the plane everything begins floating. Carol and Maria's hair begins floating along with a few pens from the console between their seats. Similarly, Goose is floating upside down until Fury extends his arm, which Goose eagerly grabs onto. Maria then flicks a switch and gravity suddenly turns on inside the plane, and everything returns to normal) [Carol] Locking in coordinate grid. [Maria] Where is it? (The view switches to the outside of the ship, showing the ship sitting in empty space with Earth below it) [Talos] It's here. It's gotta be here. [Fury] Well, is it in front of all that nothing, or behind it? (Carol realizes something and pulls out the computer in her arm. After a few swipes, the computer lights up) [Computer] Decloaking activated. (Suddenly, a bright light appears from the empty space and a massive laboratory becomes visible. The title "Mar-Vell's Laboratory, Kree Imperial Cruiser" appears on the screen. Carol flies the spaceship into the laboratory and the four disembark the plane and begin walking through the corridors) (The four walk into a giant room, with the Tesseract sitting in the reactor on one side of the room. Goose jumps onto the reactor and scratches the Tesseract, intrigued by the bright light. Carol and Maria follow behind him) [Maria] Is that it? The core? [Carol] In her notes, she called it the Tesseract. (Carol reaches out and grabs the Tesseract from its position in the reactor. She then throws it in the air like a baseball and walks around the room, beginning to observe her surroundings) [Maria] Whoa. What was Lawson doing with all this kid stuff? (Maria picks up and lunchbox and opens it. Carol then places the Tesseract inside before closing the box. Fury then coughs and gestures towards a cup of tea, which is still steaming) [Maria] We're not alone. (Talos begins singing loudly. Suddenly, a swarm of scared Skrulls appear from their hiding places. Suddenly a Skrull runs towards Talos and hugs himi) [Soren] Talos! [Carol] He didn't come here for the Tesseract. (Soren calls a child to come towards her and Talos. The child comes willingly, and Talos leans down to get a better look at him) [Soren] It's okay. We didn't know what to do. Mar-Vell warned us not to send a signal for any reason or the Kree would find us. [Talos] You did the right thing. (Once Soren noticed that Carol, Maria, and Fury are standing in the room, she tries to back away but Talos stops her) [Talos] It's okay, it's okay. She's alright. She's a friend. [Carol] I'm not gonna hurt you. [Talos] She led me to you. [Carol] I'm so sorry. I didn't know. [Talos] Carol, this is war. My hands are filthy from it too. But we're here now. You found my family. This is just the beginning. There's thousands of us separated from each other... scattered throughout the galaxy. (Talos' daughter walks over to Carol, holds her hand and directs her towards the pinball machine in the corner. When they get there, the child points to the high score in glowing lights. The child jumps excitedly and asks her to play) [Fury] If I played the same pinball machine for six years I'd have some high scores too. (Suddenly the doors to the lab open, and Yon-Rogg and his team walk through) [Yon-Rogg] Fraternizing with the enemy? (Fury draws his gun but Minn-Erva already has hers pointed directly towards him. When she gestures for him to drop it, he raises his hands in surrender and returns the gun to its holster. Yon-Rogg walks towards Carol and throws Goose along the floor towards her. When the camera pans, Talos has positioned Soren behind her, Fury and Maria are both unarmed and the Kree's have surrounded the four) [Yon-Rogg] What did you do to your uniform? [Minn-Erva] They got in her head. Just like we thought. [Korath] The Supreme Intelligence will set her straight. [Talos] You can see they're not soldiers, let them go. You can have me. [Yon-Rogg] And the core? [Carol] You lied to me. [Yon-Rogg] I made you a better version of yourself. What's given can be taken away. (Carol tries to light up her fists but they just spark uselessly before eventually dying out. The chip in her neck has also turned off. Instead of using her powers, Carol runs towards Yon-Rog and begins punching him. This results in a fist fight between the two. Quickly, Yon-Rogg lights up a gadget in his suit. The gadget glowed bright blue and caused Carol to lean back in an attempt to avoid it. Around her, the Kree are attacking the Skrulls, forcing them to kneel. Yon-Rogg then jerks his arm away from Carol, causing her to fall onto the ground) (When Carol wakes up, the Supreme Intelligence machine is attached to her. She is kneeling with her hands bound in front of her. When Carol meets the Supreme Intelligence, a record is playing beside her and a long table is sitting in front of her, a few meters away with Dr. Lawson sitting at the only seat) [Supreme Intelligence] There she is. Seems like you time on C-53 jogged the old memory. This jacket? It's killer by the way. (The Supreme Intelligence stands up and begins dancing to the music) [Supreme Intelligence] The music, it's a nice touch. [Carol] Let... me... out. [Supreme Intelligence] No can do. [Carol] If you hurt them, I will burn you to the ground. [Supreme Intelligence] With what exactly? Your powers came from us. [Carol] You didn't give me these powers. The blast did. [Supreme Intelligence] And yet, you've never had the strength to control them on your own. (Carol tries to blast the Supreme Intelligence with her energy blast, but when she tries the Supreme Intelligence snaps her fingers and the energy dissapears, replaced with searing pain in Carol's neck which causes Carol to double over in pain) (The scene switches back to the spaceship. The Kree are still surrounding the Skrulls, and Goose is being scanned with a Kree scanner) [Scanner] Species: Flerken. Threat: High. (Bron-Char begins putting a muzzle on Goose's head, but is met by protests from Fury) [Fury] It's a cat. Not Hannibal Lecter. [Scanner] Species: Human male. Threat: Low to none. [Fury] That thing is clearly busted. [Minn-Erva] Load the Flerken onto the heli. Eject the others into space. (The scene switches back to inside the Supreme Intelligence. Carol has just finished standing up after the pain in her neck) [Supreme Intelligence] You did good, ace. Thanks to you, those insidious shapeshifters will threaten our borders no more. [Carol] I used to believe your lies. But the Skrulls are just fighting for a home. You're talking about destroying them because they won't submit to your rule. And neither will I. [Supreme Intelligence] We found you. We embraced you as our own. [Carol] You stole me. From my home, my family, my friends. (Carol runs forward and jumps to punch Lawson, however, her hand travels right through Lawson's skull. Lawson then throws Carol into a wall, leaving Carol hanging sideways) [Supreme Intelligence] It's cute how hard you try. Remember... without us...you're weak. (Carol pushes herself behind the wall, and sees a screen of her younger memories on Earth playing) You're flawed. Helpless. We saved you. (The screen of Carol's failures continues to play, until she suddenly drops, falling into nothingness until suddenly landing on the floor) [Supreme Intelligence] Without us... you're only human. [Carol] You're right. I'm only human. (Suddenly a montage plays, of Carol standing up everytime after her failures) [Supreme Intelligence] On Hala, you were reborn. Vers. [Carol] My name... is Carol. (Carol lights up her fist, but Lawson blasts energy towards her first. Lawson's energy surrounds Carol, but Carol manages to walk towards Lawson. On the spaceship, Carol's hands begin to light up and begin burning the machine) [Korath] She's trying to break out. (Carol continues to release energy waves from her hands. This causes all electricity on the ship to malfunction. Goose's cage comes loose, the prisoner's handcuffs suddenly pop open and the cage full of Skrulls is opened) [Carol] I've been fighting with one arm tied behind my back. But what happens... (Carol pulls out the chip attached to her neck, causing the energy from her fists to spread to cover her entire body) ...when I'm finally set free? (Carol drops the chip before flashing back to her absorbing the energy from the explosion before flashing back to the present day where the chip explodes off her neck like a bullet and she is released from the Supreme Intelligence, glowing and floating in the air. She suddenly blasts energy from her hands, and sends four Kree flying backward in to the wall behind them. She grabs the lunchbox with the Tesseract and finds Maria and Fury) [Fury] You know you're glowing, right? [Carol] I'll explain it later. (Carol opens the lunchbox to reveal the Tesseract glowing inside) Take the Tesseract, leaving the lunchbox. [Fury] (Fury has just unbuckled Goose's collar and is now holding her) Me? [Carol] Yes. [Fury] I'm not touching that thing. [Carol] Want me to get you an oven mitt? (Goose suddenly lurches himself out of Fury's arms and giant tentacles emerge from inside Goose's mouth. Goose picks up the Tesseract from the lunchbox and swallows it whole before returning back to a normal cat. Fury quickly drops Goose in surprise) [Carol] Get the Skrulls in the QuadJet and go. Take the Flerken with you. [Maria] What about you? [Carol] I'll buy you some time! [Fury] I'm picking you up now. I'm trusting you not to eat me. (Carol is then seen sitting on the railing of an overhead corrider. She holds up the lunchbox in front of her before jumping over the railing once she has the Kree's attention) [Carol] Hey Guys. Arm-wrestle for the Tesseract. [Yon-Rogg] I used to find you amusing. Let's put an end to this! (The Kree all draw their weapon and begin to advance on her. Carol simply blasts her energy down the overpass, causing the metal to snap and four Kree to be incapacitated. Carol then proceeds to take on the Kree, attacking them individually. Each fight only lasts a few seconds, but always results in Carol dominating) (Maria picks up a gun and fires until Goose opens his mouth and the tentacles take the kree soldiers, beat them up and swallowed them) [Maria] Okay. [Fury] Good kitty. [Carol] You knew all along. Is that why we never hung out? [Minn-Erva] No. I just never liked you. (The scene changes to Fury and Maria running through a corridor on the ship. Suddenly, a group of Kree appears behind them) [Kree] Hey! In a hurry? (Scene changes back to the fight between Yon-Rogg and Carol. Yon-Rogg is standing above Carol, about to attack her) [Att-Lass] Don't make me do this. [Carol] Okay. (Carol then blasts some energy, causing her to fly upwards and Yon-Rogg to fly backward towards a wall) [Fury] Now! Come on! Do your thing. Come on! Dammit, Goose. Pick a side. [Kree] Take them to the hangar too. We'll blast them all into space. [Talos] Play it cool. Just like Havana. Do you have the thing? [Fury] Flerken kitty ate it. [Kree] Come on. Move. Move! [Talos] Follow my lead. Cover her eyes. (to Soren) (Talos then shoots the four guards escorting the Skrulls onto the ship, causing a distraction) [Talos] Get on the ship. Let's go, let's go. (The fighting between Yon-Rogg and Carol continues. Eventually, Yon-Rogg pins Carol to the wall with a mountain of metal from the walkway. He then opens the lunchbox to find a soup container sitting inside) [Yon-Rogg] Nice diversion. [Carol] I could've swore, I put it in there. (The fighting between Carol and Yon-Rogg restarts with Yon-Rogg throwing loose pieces of metal at Carol telepathically. Carol quickly escapes and runs towards the energy source. However, the Kree found the Skrulls had begun escaping and ran towards the hanger, shooting randomly at the ship. One of these bullets hits Talos, causing him to fall over in pain. Maria Rambeau starts the ship and leaves the Laboratory with the Skrulls and Nick Fury.) [Yon-Rogg] Minn-Erva, take them down on a dropship. [Minn-Erva] On it. (Scene changes to the spaceship piloted by Maria) [Fury] You all right, friend? [Talos] Never... better. [Maria] We've got a bogey. Coming in hot. (Minn-Erva follows the Skrulls down to Earth in a space pod. Yon-Rogg enters a pod, too, just as Carol catches up with him. She lights up her fists, preparing to fire, but Yon-Rogg drops the ship, catching her by surprise. She activates her helmet and holds onto the pod tightly. Meanwhile, Minn-Erva starts shooting at the Quadjet and Maria barely dodges the bullets while flying through the desert. Carol attempts to shoot Yon-Rogg again, but she is sent backwards by his magnitron device. She falls down to Earth, but she manages to calm and control her powers right before hitting the ground, which allows her to fly back up. Meanwhile Minn-Erva continues to chase down the Skrulls, as the two spaceships enter a canyon. Maria evades the bullets with ease and takes a shortcut, allowing her to be in front of Minn-Erva's pod and destroy it with blasts.) [Fury] Ha ha! [Maria] Yes! Boom! (Yon-Rogg attacks the Quadjet, but Carol hits his pod in her flight) [Fury] What the hell was that? (Due to the damage taken, Yon-Rogg's pod crashes into the desert. At the same time, the Accusers arrive outside Earth's atmosphere.) [Ronan] Deploy ballistic warheads. (All spaceships launch the missiles towards Earth. Carol manages to catch one with her hands and, using her newly discovered power, throws it back, causing it to explode. The explosion destroys the rest of the warheads, while Carol flies right through the fire towards the spaceships.) [Accuser] That's impossible. [Ronan] C-53 doesn't have a defense system advanced enough to destroy our warheads. [Accuser] That's not their defense system, Ronan. [Ronan] Take her down. (The spaceships deploy several drones which start shooting at Carol. She avoids most of them and absorbs the energy of the blasts that hit her. She then proceeds to destroy all the drones and one of the Accusers' spaceships, before flying in front of Ronan, showing her full power.) [Ronan] Return to the jump point. We'll be back for the weapon. [Accuser] The core? [Ronan] The woman. (The Kree retreat, and Carol returns to Earth, where she confronts Yon-Rogg) [Yon-Rogg] I'm so proud of you. You've come a long way since I found you that day by the lake. But can you keep your emotions in check long enough to take me on? Or will it get the better of you, as always? I always told you... you'll be ready, the day you can knock me down as yourself. This is that moment. This is that moment, Vers! Turn off the light show, and prove, prove to me, you can beat me without... (Carol shoots Yon-Rogg with a small blast, which sends him flying backwards and hits a rock. She then walks towards him, while he tries to crawl back.) [Carol] I have nothing to prove to you. (Carol reaches her hand out to Yon-Rogg and he takes it. She drags him across the desert, and puts him in the Kree pod in which he crashed. Carol enters coordinates on the computer.) [Computer] Destination: Hala. [Yon-Rogg] I can't go back empty-handed. [Carol] You won't be empty-handed. I'm sending you with a message. Tell the Supreme Intelligence that I'm coming to end it. The war, the lies, all of it. [Yon-Rogg] You can't do this. (Carol starts the spacepod, but it can't take off beacause of the damage. She fires a blast at the engine, and the spacepod finally takes off.) (Scene changes to Nick Fury holding Goose inside the Quadjet) [Fury] That was a close call, huh, Goosey? Huh? The bad guy's still in there somewhere- (Goose scratches Nick Fury's eye) Oh! MOTHER FLERKEN!!! [Maria] You okay? [Fury] Yeah. It's just a scratch. (a serious scratch is shown on his left eye) [Talos] No... (Scene changes to Maria's house, where everyone gathered for dinner) [Carol] I can't believe you got into the raddest dogfight ever. [Maria] I'd say you arrived just in time. [Fury] That's some nifty flying you did out there. SHIELD could always use a good pilot like you. [Maria] I'll consider it. As long as you don't call my flying nifty again. How's your eye? [Fury] Getting better every second. [Carol] Just so I'm clear, you were Soh-Larr, and the SHIELD agent? [Fury] Keller. Tied my boss up, stole his identity. [Talos] I borrowed his likeness. I'm no thief. [Soren] It's a little like thief. [Talos] Whose side are you on? [Fury] You're good to go here til you recover, but you and your family will need a new look. [Talos] I could go back to being your boss. [Fury] Please don't. [Talos] Come on. I love sporting his beautiful blue eyes. [Monica] No way, you guys have the best eyes. Don't ever change your eyes. [Carol] I'll help you find a home. Finish what Mar-Vell started. [Monica] They can stay here with us, can't they, Mom? [Maria] They won't be safe here, baby. Auntie Carol is right. They need their own home. [Carol] I'll be back before you know it. [Monica] Maybe I can fly up and meet you halfway. [Fury] Only if you learn to glow, like your Auntie Carol. [Monica] Or maybe I'll build a spaceship. You don't know. [Carol] He doesn't. (Scene changes to Carol and Fury washing the dishes) [Carol] Keep the Tesseract on Earth. Hidden. [Fury] You're sure that's what Marvel would want? [Carol] Mar-Vell. [Fury] That's what I said. [Carol] It's two words. Mar-Vell. [Fury] Mar-Vell. Marvel sounds a lot better. You know, like the Marvelettes? (Singing) 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Oh, yeah, wait a minute Mr. Postman. Ay, ay, ay, ay, Mr. Postman. 𝅘𝅥𝅮 Not ringing any bells? [Carol] Keep singing. Maybe it'll come back to me. (Carol takes out Fury's pages, which has her symbol on it.) [Carol] I upgraded it. Range should be, a couple galaxies, at least. (She offers it to Fury, but before he can take it, she pulls it away.) [Fury] What? You think I'm gonna crank call you? [Carol] For emergencies only. Okay? [Fury] Well, if you're ever passing back through this galaxy, be sure to give a brother a shout. (The two fist bump, and Carol teasingly electrocutes Fury, laughs it off.) (Scene changes to outside of the house, where Monica gives Carol her leather jacket.) [Monica] We got the ketchup stain off. [Carol] Thanks, Lieutenant Trouble. It's hard for me to say goodbye, too. [Maria] Go on. (Carol takes off and flies up to Mar-Vell's laboratory, where the Skrulls were waiting for her. She looks at the Earth one last time before flying inside the spaceship. As soon as she enters, the ship starts moving at lightspeed, towards other galaxies.) (Scene changes to Fury, who is back in his office, wearing an eyepatch. He writes on his computer about "The Protector Initiative". Phil Coulson enters the room with a suitcase in his hands.) [Coulson] Glad to have you back, sir. This came for you. (Fury opens the suitcase to reveal lots of prosthetic eyes of different colors.) [Coulson] So, is it true? That the Kree burned your eye out because you refused to give them the Tesseract? [Fury] I'll neither confirm nor deny the facts of that story. [Coulson] Understood. I'm sorry to report that we still haven't found the Tesseract. [Fury] I'm sure it will turn up somewhere. (Fury looks at Goose, who now lives with him) [Coulson] I'll let you know when it does. [Fury] Then what? [Coulson] Sir? [Fury] We have no idea what other intergalactic threats are out there. And our one-woman security force had a prior commitment on the other side of the universe. SHIELD alone can't protect us. We need to find more. [Coulson] More weapons? [Fury] More heroes. [Coulson] You think we can find others like her? [Fury] We found her and we weren't even looking. [Coulson] Get some rest, sir. You got a big decision to make. (Fury looks through Carol's file and finds out that she was nicknamed "Avenger". He then decides to rename his project "The Avengers Initiative".) (Mid-Credits scene) (In 2018, The pager is seen with the Captain Marvel symbol. Second later, the pager turns off. In another room, The Avengers are dealing with the consequences of the failed counterattack against Thanos that lead to the decimation process as they return to the New Avengers Headquarters. On the computer, the numbers continues to rise as the global death toll reaches 3.2 billion.) [Steve Rogers] This is a nightmare. [Natasha Romanoff] I've had better nightmares. (James Rhodes walks in) [James Rhodes (Rhodey)] Hey. So that thing just stopped doing whatever the hell it was doing. (Rhodes, Romanoff, and Rogers head to the chamber housing the transmitter device, where Bruce Banner is analyzing it.) [Natasha] What have we got? [Bruce Banner] Whatever the signal is sending, it finally creeped off. [Steve] I thought we bypassed the battery. [Rhodey] We did. It's still plugged in, it just... it just stopped. [Steve] Reboot and send the signal again. [Banner] We don't even know what this is. [Natasha] Fury did. Just do it, please. You tell me the second you get a signal. I want to know who's on the other end of that thing. (As Romanoff turns around, she finds herself face to face with Carol Danvers.) [Carol] Where's Fury? (Cut to black.) (Screen title: Captain Marvel will return in Avengers: Endgame) (Post-Credits Scene) (Back in 1995, inside Fury's office, Goose jumps on her owner's desk. She vomits the Tesseract on the desk and starts grooming herself.) (Closing Title: Marvel Studios) (Screen Title: Distributed by Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures) The End.

{"title": "Captain Marvel"}

marvel/pdunton

(1991, a HYDRA base in a snowy landscape. A man enters a bunker and removes a red book marked with a black star.) (A technician raises a cylindrical chamber, revealing Bucky Barnes, aka the Winter Soldier.) (Bucky Barnes is secured in a chair, a mechanical device either side of his head causing him to scream in pain.) [Vasily Karpov] (speaking Russian) Желание. Ржавый. Семнадцать. Рассвет. Печь. Девять. Добросердечный. Возвращение на родину. Один. Грузовой вагон.(1) ((subtitled) Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car.) Доброе утро, Солдат. ((subtitled) Good morning, Soldier.) (Bucky Hesitates) [Bucky Barnes] Я готов отвечать. ((subtitled) Ready to comply.) [Vasily Karpov] У меня есть для тебя миссия. Санкционируй и Извлекай. Без свидетелей.((subtitled) I have a mission for you. Sanction and extract. No witnesses.) (Night. A car is driving down a dirt road alone. The Winter Soldier is waiting at the side of the road with his motorcycle. As the car passes, the Winter Soldier follows. He comes alongside the car and disables it. It slams into a tree. The Winter Soldier brings the motorcycle back around and climbs off. He walks to the car trunk and rips it open, revealing a silver case containing several blue packets) (Back at the HYDRA base) [Vasily Karpov] Отлично, Солдат. ((subtitled) Well done, Soldier.) (Marvel Opening Credits) (Lagos, present day) (Wanda Maximoff, aka Scarlet Witch, adds sugar to a cup and stirs it. She looks around.) [Steve Rogers] (on radio) All right, what do you see? [Wanda Maximoff] Standard beat cops. Small station. Quiet street. It’s a good target. [Steve Rogers] There’s an ATM in the south corner, which means . . . [Wanda Maximoff] Cameras. [Steve Rogers] Both cross streets are one way. [Wanda Maximoff] So, compromised escape routes. [Steve Rogers] Means our guy doesn't care about being seen, he isn't afraid to make a mess on the way out. You see that Range Rover halfway up the block? [Wanda Maximoff] Yeah, the red one? It’s cute. (Camera pans to show Natasha sitting two tables from Wanda) [Natasha Romanoff] (on radio) It's also bulletproof, which means private security, which means more guns, which means more headaches for somebody. Probably us. [Wanda Maximoff] You guys know I can move things with my mind, right? [Natasha Romanoff] Looking over your shoulder needs to become second nature. [Sam Wilson] Anybody ever tell you you're a little paranoid? [Natasha Romanoff] Not to my face. Why? Did you hear something? [Steve Rogers] Eyes on target, folks. This is the best lead we've had on Rumlow in six months. I don't want to lose him. [Sam Wilson] If he sees us coming that won't be a problem. He kind of hates us. (A garbage truck is pushing its way through traffic, with no regard to pedestrians or other vehicles) [Steve Rogers] Sam, see that garbage truck? Tag it. (From the back of Sam’s Falcon jet pack, a small drone, launches and flies down to scan the garbage truck.) [Sam Wilson] Give me X-ray. (weight analysis: Cargo Weight: 13825 kgs. Max capacity.) [Sam Wilson] That truck’s loaded for max weight. And the driver’s armed. [Natasha Romanoff] It’s a battering ram. [Steve Rogers] Go now. [Wanda Maximoff] What? [Steve Rogers] He’s not hitting the police. (INSTITUTE FOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES) (A man is sitting in the guard station. He looks over as the garbage truck is coming towards the gate. The driver jumps out, and the truck slams into the gateway. Two trucks rush into the compound through the newly-made entrance.) (Soldiers in black armor emerge from the trucks, firing their rifles around the courtyard. Four soldiers fire gas canisters into the building. Soldiers wearing gas masks enter.) (Steve arrives and takes out several of the soldiers.) [Steve Rogers] Body armor, AR-15's. I make seven hostiles. (Sam flies in and up to a rooftop, spinning and using his wings to block gunfire. He takes out two soldiers.) [Sam Wilson] I make 5. (Wanda arrives and flies over the rooftop and into the courtyard, blocking fire with her powers. She takes control of one soldier and lifts him upward.) [Wanda Maximoff] Sam. (Sam glides down from the rooftop, catching the soldier on one of his wings.) [Sam Wilson] Four. (Sam's drone flies by, scanning the inside of the building.) [Sam Wilson] Rumlow’s on the third floor. [Steve Rogers] Wanda, just like we practiced. [Wanda Maximoff] What about the gas? [Steve Rogers] Get it out. (Wanda uses her powers to lift Steve up and through the window. He grabs a soldier and pulls off their gas mask) (Rumlow is inside. He punches down the door. He knocks aside a technician and enters a room with a container labeled "bio-hazard.") [Brock Rumlow] Pack it up. (In another area, Steve is behind a pillar. He throws his shield, and it bounces off the soldier and back to Steve. Meanwhile, Wanda is now using her powers to remove the gas from the building. Sam is exchanging fire with several soldiers.) (Rumlow walks outside onto a balcony and sees that Steve’s team is here.) [Brock Rumlow] He’s here. (Inside the building, Steve sees the vial missing.) [Steve Rogers] Rumlow has a biological weapon. (Natasha is riding in on a motorcycle.) [Natasha Romanoff] (on radio) I’m on it. (She jumps off the motorcycle and it skids toward a soldier. She takes out soldiers through hand-to-hand combat. Rumlow comes up behind her and grabs her collar, dragging her onto an armored vehicle. She electrocutes him.) [Brock Rumlow] I don't work like that no more. (He throws her through the roof hatch into an armored vehicle, drops in a grenade, and shuts the hatch.) [Brock Rumlow] Fire in the hole. [Mercenary] No! (Natasha takes out the soldiers inside, then grabs one to shield herself from the grenade. The doors blow open and she is thrown out.) (Steve runs out onto the balcony and spots Rumlow.) [Steve Rogers] Sam. He's in an AFV heading north. (Inside the AFV, Rumlow secures the biological weapon and hands it to a soldier.) [Brock Rumlow] Take this to the airstrip. We're not gonna outrun them. Lose the truck. (The truck crashes into a nearby structure and Rumlow and the soldiers emerge.) [Mercenary #1] Where are you going to meet us? [Brock Rumlow] I’m not. (Sam lands on the roof of a structure. He scans the area with his goggles.) [Sam Wilson] I got four, they're splitting up. (Natasha rides through the crowd, back on her motorcycle. She abandons it again and runs across the hoods of cars, in pursuit.) [Natasha Romanoff] I got the two on the left. (Steve is also running across cars. He spots a vest in the middle of a crowd.) [Steve Rogers] They ditched their gear. It's a shell game now. One of them has the payload. (Someone throws a bomb at Steve. It sticks on his shield. Steve throws it in the air and the bomb detonates safely away from citizens. Rumlow comes up behind Steve and punches him in the back.) [Brock Rumlow] There you are, you son of a bitch. I’ve been waiting for this! (Meanwhile, Sam is still chasing the other mercenaries. Sam flies up and takes out his two, then searches their bags for the payload.) [Sam Wilson] He doesn't have it. I’m empty. (Natasha is chasing the soldiers through the crowd.) [Natasha Romanoff] Out of the way! (She tackles one soldier and engages him in combat. When the other soldier arrives, she hurls a basket at him to distract him. She uses her skills to fight them and ends up face-to-face with one soldier. They point their guns at each other. A moment passes. Then, the other soldier produces the vial.) [Mercenary #1] Drop it. Or I’ll drop this. Drop it! [Mercenary #2] He'll do it! (Redwing descends and fires at the soldier with the vial. He drops, and in the moment of distraction, Natasha fires at the other soldier, then catches the falling vial.) [Natasha Romanoff] Payload secure. Thanks, Sam. [Sam Wilson] Don't thank me. [Natasha Romanoff] I’m… not thanking that thing. [Sam Wilson] His name is Redwing. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm still not thanking it. [Sam Wilson] He's cute. Go ahead, pet him. (Steve and Rumlow are still fighting, neither one seeming to have the upper hand.) [Brock Rumlow] Come on! (Rumlow pins Steve to a building and extends a blade from one of his gauntlets.) [Brock Rumlow] This is for dropping a building on my face. (Steve grabs Rumlow's arm and pulls the gauntlet off, only for Rumlow to reveal another knife. But Steve bests him. Defeated, on his knees, Rumlow removes his mask, revealing a scarred face.) [Brock Rumlow] I think I look pretty good, all things considered. [Steve Rogers] Who's your buyer? [Brock Rumlow] You know, he knew you. You pal, your buddy, your Bucky. [Steve Rogers] What did you say? [Brock Rumlow] He remembered you. I was there. He got all weepy about it. Till they put his brain back in a blender. He wanted you to know something. He said to me, "Please tell Rogers. When you gotta go, you gotta go." And you're coming with me. (He activates his bomb vest and Steve flinches as Rumlow's armor ignites, but Wanda keeps the blast contained around Rumlow who grimaces in agony. She lifts him into the air before she loses control, and the explosion finally blossoms, devastating entire floors of a nearby office building. Wanda sees what happened and covers her mouth in shock.) [Steve Rogers] Oh my . . . (Steve stares up, open mouthed.) Sam . . . We need . . . Fire and Rescue . . . on the south side of the building. We gotta get up there. (Soft piano is playing. Tony Stark's mother, Maria, sits at a piano. A young Tony is on the couch.) [Maria Stark] Try to remember the kind of September. When grass was green . . . (She stops singing as Howard Stark walks in, but continues playing.) Wake up, dear, and say goodbye to your father. [Howard Stark] Who's the homeless person on the couch? (Tony, wearing a Santa hat, staggers to his feet and chuckles.) [Young Tony Stark] This is why I love coming home for Christmas . . . right before you leave town. [Maria Stark] Be nice, dear, he's been studying abroad. [Howard Stark] Really, which broad? What's her name? [Young Tony Stark] Candice. (Howard pulls of Tony's hat.) [Howard Stark] Do me a favor? Try not to burn the house down before Monday. [Young Tony Stark] Okay, so it's Monday. That is good to know. I will plan my toga party accordingly. Where you going? [Maria Stark] You father's flying us to the Bahamas for a little getaway. [Howard Stark] We might have to make a quick stop. [Young Tony Stark] At the Pentagon. Right? Don't worry, you're gonna love the holiday menu at the commissary. (Maria stops playing the piano.) [Howard Stark] You know, they say sarcasm is a metric for potential. If that's true, you'll be a great man some day. I'll get the bags. (He walks out of the room, and Maria stands up.) [Maria Stark] He does miss you when you are not here. And frankly, you're going to miss us. Because this is the last time we're all going to be together. You know what's about to happen. Say something. If you don't, you'll regret it. (Howard walks back in.) [Young Tony Stark] I love you, Dad. And I know you did the best you could. (Maria leans in to kiss Tony on the cheek, and when she leans back, an older Tony Stark is standing in the background. Howard and Maria walk out, leaving the two Tonys.) [Tony Stark] That's how I wished it happened. Binarily Augmented Retro-Framing, or BARF. God, I gotta work on that acronym. An extremely costly method of hijacking the hippocampus to . . . clear traumatic memories. Huh. (He blows on a candle and everything around him shimmers, then starts to dissolve. It's a hologram.) [Tony Stark] It doesn't change the fact that they never made it to the airport . . . or all the things I did to avoid processing my grief, but . . . (He takes off his glasses.) Plus, 611 million dollars for my little therapeutic experiment? No one in the right mind would've ever funded it. (He is standing on a stage in front of a large crowd. A sign reads MIT Alumni Honors: Tony Stark.) [Tony Stark] Help me out, what's the MIT mission statement? "To generate, disseminate . . . and preserve knowledge. And work with others . . . to bring it to bear on the world's great challenges." Well, you are the others. And, quiet as it's kept . . . the challenges facing you are the greatest mankind's ever known. Plus, most of you are broke. (The crowd chuckles.) [Tony Stark] Oh, I'm sorry. Rather, you were. As of this moment . . . every student has been made an equal recipient of the Inaugural September Foundation Grant. As in . . . all of your projects have just been approved and funded. (The crowd breaks out in applause and cheering.) [Tony Stark] No strings, no taxes… just re-frame the future! Starting now. (The teleprompter above the audience reads. 'Now I would like to introduce the head of the foundation: Pepper Potts.' Tony stares at it sadly.) [Tony Stark] Go break some eggs. (He exits the stage.) [MIT teacher] Wow. Wow. That uh . . . that took my breathe away. Oh, Tony! So generous. So much money! Wow! Out of curiosity . . . will any portion of that grant be made available to faculty? I know, "Ooh, gross," but hear me out. I have got this killer idea for a self-cooking hot dog. Basically, chemical detonator embedded . . . (Tony is not listening.) [Tony Stark] Restroom's this way, yeah? [MIT teacher] Yeah. Embedded in the meat shaft. [Stark's Assistant] Mr. Stark, I am so sorry about the teleprompter. I didn't know Miss Potts had cancelled. They didn't have time to fix it. [Tony Stark] It's . . . fine. I'll be right back. [MIT teacher] We'll catch up later. (Tony steps into a quiet corridor. He loiters by the men's room, then glances back at the stage door before walking towards the elevator. A woman in sober clothes is also waiting. Tony stops and turns his back to the wall.) [Mrs. Spencer] That was nice, what you did for those young people. [Tony Stark] Ah, they deserve it. Plus, it helps ease my conscience. [Mrs. Spencer] They say there's a correlation between generosity and guilt. But if you've got the money . . . break as many eggs as you like. Right? (He narrows his eyes and half smiles, then turns to face the elevator. He looks surprised to find the button unlit and pushes it himself.) [Tony Stark] Are you going up? [Mrs. Spencer] I'm right where I want to be. (She digs in her handbag, Tony grabs her wrist. He realizes what he's done.) [Tony Stark] Okay, okay. Hey! Sorry, it's an occupational hazard. [Mrs. Spencer] I work for the State Department. Human Resources. I know it's boring . . . but it enabled me to raise a son. I'm very proud of what he grew up to be. (She shoves a photo at him.) [Mrs Spencer] His name was Charlie Spencer. You murdered him. In Sokovia. Not that it matters in the least to you. You think you fight for us. You just fight for yourself. (Tony shakes his head.) [Mrs Spencer] Who's going to avenge my son, Stark? He's dead . . . and I blame you. (She turns and walks away, leaving Tony standing by the elevator with a grim frown.) (At the Avengers Compound. Steve catches Wanda watching a news report on the Lagos attack and how they blame her for it.) [News Anchor #1] 11 Wakandans were among those killed during a confrontation between the Avengers and a group of mercenaries in Lagos, Nigeria, last month. The traditionally reclusive Wakandans were on an outreach mission in Lagos when the attack occurred. [King T'Chaka] Our people's blood is spilled on foreign soil. Not only because of the actions of criminals, but by the indifference of those pledged to stop them. Victory at the expense of the innocent, is no victory at all. [News Anchor #1] The Wakanda king went on to . . . (Steve, who was watching the news, turns his computer off, but sound drifts toward him from another room.) [News anchor #2] They are operating outside and above the international law. Because that's the reality, if we don't respond to acts like these. (Wanda is sitting on her bed, watching the news on her TV.) News Anchor #2 What legal authority does an enhanced individual like Wanda Maximoff have to operate in Nigeri - (The TV turns off. Steve sets the remote down and leans on the door frame.) [Wanda Maximoff] It's my fault. [Steve Rogers] That's not true. [Wanda Maximoff] Turn the TV back on. They're being very specific. [Steve Rogers] I should've clocked that bomb vest long before you had to deal with it. (He walks over.) [Steve Rogers] Rumlow said "Bucky" and . . . all of a sudden I was a 16-year-old kid again, in Brooklyn. (He sits beside Wanda.) [Steve Rogers] And people died. It's on me. [Wanda Maximoff] It's on both of us. [Steve Rogers] This job . . . we try to save as many people as we can. Sometimes that doesn't mean everybody. But if we can't find a way to live with that, next time . . . maybe nobody gets saved. (Vision materializes through the wall. Wanda starts.) (Vision interrupts Wanda and Steve by walking through the wall into Wanda’s room) [Wanda Maximoff] Vis! We talked about this. [Vision] Yes, but the door was open so I assumed that . . . (He gestures at the door and stops.) [Vision] Captain Rogers wished to know when Mr. Stark was arriving. [Steve Rogers] Thank you. We'll be right down. [Vision] I'll . . . use the door. Oh, and apparently, he's brought a guest. [Steve Rogers] We know who it is? [Vision] The Secretary of State. (The Secretary of State, Thaddeus Ross, is standing at the head of a table. Rhodey, Natasha, Steve, Tony, Sam, Vision, and Wanda are gathered around.) (The Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross has summoned the Avengers to a meeting) [Secretary Ross] Five years ago, I had a heart attack. I dropped right in the middle of my back-swing. Turned out it was the best round of my life, because after 13 hours of surgery and a triple bypass . . . I found something 40 years in the Army had never taught me: Perspective. The world owes the Avengers an un-payable debt. You have fought for us, protected us, risked your lives . . . but while a great many people see you as heroes, there are some . . . who would prefer the word "vigilantes". [Natasha Romanoff] And what word would you use, Mr. Secretary? [Secretary Ross] How about "dangerous"? What would you call a group of US-based, enhanced individuals who routinely ignore sovereign borders and inflict their will wherever they choose and who, frankly, seem unconcerned about what they leave behind? (Ross activates a screen behind him. News footage from past Avengers and SHIELD matters flash on the screen as he speaks.) [Secretary Ross] New York. (A Chitauri leviathan. Terrified citizens. A soldier firing a gun. The Hulk smashes into a building and sends a dust cloud to engulf the camera.) (Rhodey looks regretful. He glances behind him at Natasha.) [Secretary Ross] Washington DC. (The three Insight helicarriers, firing on each other. The destroyed Triskelion. A helicarrier crashing into the Potomac and throwing up a massive wave, engulfing citizens and the camera.) (Sam looks down.) [Secretary Ross] Sokovia. (Terrified citizens, running. The city rising. A building falling over.) (Wanda stares at the screen, as does Tony.) [Secretary Ross] Lagos. (The burning building. Paramedics moving a body. A dead girl.) (Wanda is particularly affected by the footage from Lagos. Steve sees this and intervenes.) [Steve Rogers] Okay. That's enough. (Secretary Ross nods to an aide and the images disappear.) [Secretary Ross] For the past four years, you've operated with unlimited power and no supervision. That's an arrangement the governments of the world can no longer tolerate. But I think we have a solution. (he places a thick document on the desk and passes it to Wanda) (An aide hands him a thick book, which Ross slides across the table to Wanda. She picks it up, then slides it to Rhodey.) [Secretary Ross] The Sokovia Accords. Approved by 117 countries . . . it states that the Avengers shall no longer be a private organization. Instead, they'll operate under the supervision of a United Nations panel, only when and if that panel deems it necessary. [Steve Rogers] The Avengers were formed to make the world a safer place. I feel we've done that. [Secretary Ross] Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now? (Steve looks up and meets Ross's eyes.) [Secretary Ross] If I misplaced a couple of 30 megaton nukes . . . you can bet there'd be consequences. Compromise. Reassurance. That's how the world works. Believe me, this is the middle ground. [James Rhodes] So, there are contingencies. [Secretary Ross] Three days from now, the UN meets in Vienna to ratify the Accords. (Steve glances at Tony.) [Secretary Ross] Talk it over. [Natasha Romanoff] And if we come to a decision you don't like? [Secretary Ross] Then you retire. (Natasha stifles a smile.) (Cleveland.) (Vasily Karpov sits, eating at the table in a cluttered house. He hears the sound of something crashing outside and peers through drawn blinds. Outside, Helmut Zemo stands by his car, the front end crumpled against Karpov's car.) [Helmut Zemo] Hello? Is this your car out front? (Zemo comes to the door.) [Helmut Zemo] I jumped the curb. (Karpov eyes his gun nearby.) [Helmut Zemo] Maybe we could take care of it ourselves. If you wanna call the cops, tha--that's okay too, I guess. [Vasily Karpov] No. No cops. [Helmut Zemo] Thank you. (Karpov slides a heavy duty lock and opens the door. Zemo punches him.) (Zemo is using a sledgehammer to smash a hole in the wall. He retrieves a large box from inside the hole and tips the contents onto a table. Karpov is hanging upside down, tied to pipes in his basement. There are various documents and the red book with the star on the cover. He holds the red book for a moment then opens a file. Inside is a photo of Karpov in his military uniform and beret.) [Helmut Zemo] You have kept your looks, Colonel. Congratulations. (Karpov's head is in a sink, which is filling with water.) [Helmut Zemo] "Mission report: December 16, 1991." [Vasily Karpov] Who are you? [Helmut Zemo] My name is Zemo. I will repeat my question. Mission report. December 16, 1991. [Vasily Karpov] How did you find me? [Helmut Zemo] When SHIELD fell, Black Widow released HYDRA files to the public. Millions of pages much of it encrypted, not easy to decipher. But . . . I have experience. And patience. A man can do anything if he has those. [Vasily Karpov] What do you want? [Helmut Zemo] Mission report. December 16. 1991. [Vasily Karpov] Go . . . to . . . hell. (Zemo goes to lean on the sink as water continues to flow into it. He turns off the tap and studies Karpov's upside down face.) [Helmut Zemo] HYDRA deserves its place on the ash heap. So your death would not bother me. But I'd have to use this book . . . and other bloodier methods to find what I need. I don't look forward to that. You'd only be dying for . . . your pride. (Zemo stares at Karpov then nods resignedly. He turns the tap back on. The water is up to Karpov's eyes. Zemo watches the water level rise.) [Vasily Karpov] Hail HYDRA. (Holding the red book Zemo walks away. Karpov twitches and struggles in his bindings.) (The Avengers are gathered at HQ. Steve is sitting, studying the Accords, while Rhodey and Sam argue behind him.) [James Rhodes] Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor, which is one more than you have. [Sam Wilson] So let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals? [James Rhodes] A 117 countries want to sign this. 117, Sam, and you're just like, "No, that's cool. We got it. " [Sam Wilson] How long are you going to play both sides? [Vision] I have an equation. [Sam Wilson] Oh, this will clear it up. [Vision] In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man, the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. And during the same period, the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate. [Steve Rogers] Are you saying it's our fault? [Vision] I'm saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict . . . breeds catastrophe. Oversight . . . oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand. [James Rhodes] Boom. (Tony is lying on the couch, one hand over his face. When Natasha speaks, he removes the hand to look at her.) [Natasha Romanoff] Tony. You are being uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal. [Steve Rogers] It's because he's already made up his mind. [Tony Stark] Boy, you know me so well. (He gets up and winces, rubbing the back of his head.) [Tony Stark] Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache. (He walks to the kitchen and grabs a mug.) [Tony Stark] That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain. It's discomfort. Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang? (He puts his phone in a basket and taps it.The phone projects an image of a smiling young man. He looks down, then back up, and pretends to notice the picture for the first time.) [Tony Stark] Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way. He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. Had a floor level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul, before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where, Sokovia. (The others look affected by this .) [Tony Stark] He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. I mean, we won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass. (He takes a pill with some coffee, then faces the others.) [Tony Stark] There's no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check! Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, if we're boundary-less, we're no better than the bad guys. [Steve Rogers] Tony, someone dies on your watch, you don't give up. [Tony Stark] Who said we're giving up? [Steve Rogers] We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blames. [James Rhodes] I'm sorry. Steve. That - that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about. It's not the World Security Council, it's not SHIELD, it's not HYDRA. [Steve Rogers] No, but it's run by people with agendas, and agendas change. [Tony Stark] That's good. That's why I'm here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands, I shut it down and stop manufacturing. [Steve Rogers] Tony, you chose to do that. If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go, and they don't let us? We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own. [Tony Stark] If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later. That's the fact. That won't be pretty. [Wanda Maximoff] You're saying they'll come for me. [Vision] We would protect you. [Natasha Romanoff] Maybe Tony's right. (Tony looks at her, surprised.) [Natasha Romanoff] If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off - [Sam Wilson] Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago? [Natasha Romanoff] I'm just . . . I'm reading the terrain. We have made . . . some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back. [Tony Stark] Focus up. I'm sorry, did I just mishear you or did you agree with me? [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, I want to take it back now. [Tony Stark] No, no, no. You can't retract it. Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed--I win. (Steve's phone buzzes, and he pulls it out to check it. A text message reads: 'She's gone. In her sleep.') [Steve Rogers] I have to go. (Steve gets up sharply, drops the Accords on the coffee table, and goes downstairs. He stops at the bottom of the stairs, leans against the banister, and bows his head.) (London.) (A cathedral, packed with mourners. A choir is singing. Steve is one of six pallbearers carrying a coffin draped with the Union Jack. His eyes are red--he's been crying.) (At the altar, a candle burns by a framed photograph of Peggy Carter in a military uniform. The label reads "Margaret 'Peggy' Carter". The priest addresses the mourners.) [Priest] And now, I would like to invite Sharon Carter to come up and say a few words. (Agent 13, Steve's "neighbor" from DC, steps up to the podium.) (Steve sits beside Sam in a pew at the front. Steve is looking down and doesn't see Sharon walk up. Sam is watching, and nudges Steve. He looks up to see Sharon, who glances at Steve and takes a breath.) [Sharon Carter] Margaret Carter was known to most as a founder of SHIELD . . . but I just knew her as Aunt Peggy. (Steve realizes who exactly Sharon is, and takes a surprised breath.) [Sharon Carter] She had a photograph in her office. Aunt Peggy standing next to JFK. As a kid, that was pretty cool. But it was a lot to live up to. Which is why I never told anyone we were related. (She looks directly at Steve.) [Sharon Carter] I asked her once how she managed to master diplomacy and espionage in a time when no one wanted to see a woman succeed at either. And she said, compromise where you can. But where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move . . . it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in they eye and say " No, you move." (Later, Steve stands alone in the isle, still dressed in black. Natasha to him and he turns to her. He begins to speak without any introduction) [Steve Rogers] When I came out of the ice, I thought everyone I had known was gone. Then I found out that she was alive. I was just lucky to have her. [Natasha Romanoff] She had you back, too. [Steve Rogers] Who else signed? [Natasha Romanoff] Tony. Rhodey. Vision. [Steve Rogers] Clint? [Natasha Romanoff] Says he's retired. (She smiles slightly.) [Steve Rogers] Wanda? [Natasha Romanoff] TBD (To Be Determined). I'm off to Vienna for the signing of the Accords. There's plenty of room on the jet. (Steve sighs and bows his head.) [Natasha Romanoff] Just because it's the path of least resistance doesn't mean it's the wrong path. Staying together is more important than how we stay together. (Natasha almost seems to be convincing herself.) [Steve Rogers] What are we giving up to do it? (She sighs. He shakes his head, unconvinced.) [Steve Rogers] I'm sorry, Nat. I can't sign it. [Natasha Romanoff] I know. [Steve Rogers] Then what are you doing here? [Natasha Romanoff] I didn't want you to be alone. (She pulls him in for a hug.) [Natasha Romanoff] Come here. (Vienna.) (The United Nations, a modern complex of interestingly-shaped high rise buildings.) [News Anchor #3] At a special United Nations conference 117 countries have come together to ratify the Sokovia Accords. (T'Challa wears a sharp suit and stands, looking through a glass wall.) [UN staffer] Excuse me, Miss Romanoff? [Natasha Romanoff] Yes? [UN staffer] These need your signature. (T'Challa looks over at Natasha.) Thank you. [Natasha Romanoff] Thanks. [T'Challa] I suppose neither of us is used to the spotlight. [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, well, it's not always so flattering. [T'Challa] You seem to be doing alright so far. Considering your last trip to Capitol Hill . . . I wouldn't think you would be particularly comfortable in this company. [Natasha Romanoff] Well, I'm not. [T'Challa] That alone makes me glad you're here, Miss Romanoff. [Natasha Romanoff] Why? You don't approve of all this? [T'Challa] The Accords, yes. The politics, not really. Two people in a room can get more done than a hundred. [King T'Chaka] Unless you need to move a piano. [T'Challa] Father. [King T'Chaka] Son. Miss Romanoff. [Natasha Romanoff] King T'Chaka. Please, allow me to apologize for what happened in Nigeria. [King T'Chaka] Thank you. Thank you for agreeing to all this. I'm sad to hear that Captain Rogers will not be joining us today. [Natasha Romanoff] Yes, so am I. [Man on speakers] If everyone could please be seated. This assembly is now in session. [T'Challa] That is the future calling. Such a pleasure. [Natasha Romanoff] Thank you. (Natasha goes.) [King T'Chaka] For a man who disapproves of diplomacy, you're getting quite good at it. [T'Challa] I'm happy, Father. [King T'Chaka] Thank you. [T'Challa] Thank you. [King T'Chaka] When stolen Wakandan vibranium was used to make a terrible weapon, we in Wakanda were forced to question our legacy. Those men and women killed in Nigeria, were part of a goodwill mission from a country too long in the shadows. We will not, however, let misfortune drive us back. We will fight to improve the world we wish to join. I am grateful to the Avengers for supporting this initiative. (T'Challa spots something outside.) Wakanda is proud to extend its hand in peace. [T'Challa] EVERYBODY GET DOWN! (An enormous explosion goes off between two buildings and destroys the conference hall. T'Challa finds his father lying on the floor with his eyes closed. He grabs his father's wrist and feels for a pulse, but his father lies still. Devastated T'Challa lies across his father. He lifts him up and rocks him in his arms.) (A hotel.) [Sharon Carter] My mom tried to talk me out of enlisting, but, um, not Aunt Peggy. She bought me my first thigh holster. [Steve Rogers] Very practical. [Sharon Carter] And stylish. (Sharon and Steve wait by an elevator. They stand facing each other.) [Steve Rogers] CIA has you stationed over here now? [Sharon Carter] In Berlin, Joint Terrorism Task Force. [Steve Rogers] Right. Right. Sounds fun. [Sharon Carter] I know, right? [Steve Rogers] (Steve nods and smiles at Sharon.) I've been meaning to ask you. When you were spying on me from across the hall . . . . [Sharon Carter] You mean when I was doing my job. [Steve Rogers] Did Peggy know? [Sharon Carter] She kept so many secrets. I didn't want her to have one from you. (The elevator arrives.) Thanks for walking me back. [Steve Rogers] Sure. (Sam comes over.) [Sam Wilson] Steve. There's something you gotta see. [News anchor #4] A bomb hidden in a news van . . . [Sharon Carter] Who's coordinating? [News anchor #4] . . . ripped through the UN building in Vienna. [Sharon Carter] Good. They're solid. Forensics? [News anchor #4] More than 70 people have been injured. At least 12 are dead, including Wakanda's King T'Chaka. Officials have released a video of a suspect who they have identified as James Buchanan Barnes, the Winter Soldier. The infamous HYDRA agent, linked to numerous acts of terrorism and political assassinations. [Sharon Carter] I have to go to work. (Fire crews hose down the buildings. A red and white medical chopper flies overhead.) [Sharon Carter] Call MI-6, see if we can get Micro Forensics to hurry this up. We need the whole team here in two hours or it's not worth it. (Sharon strides through with a man in a green jumpsuit. They pass T'Challa who sits on a bench looking stunned. There's a cut on his head. Natasha sits on the next bench along.) [Natasha Romanoff] I'm very sorry. [T'Challa] (He glances at her. He's holding an ornate silver ring which he toys with between his fingers.) In my culture death is not the end. It's more of a . . . stepping-off point. You reach out with both hands and Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into the green veldt where . . . you can run forever. [Natasha Romanoff] That sounds very peaceful. [T'Challa] My father thought so. (He puts the ring on his finger.) I am not my father. [Natasha Romanoff] T'Challa. Task force will decide who brings in Barnes. [T'Challa] (He clenches his fist.) Don't bother, Miss Romanoff. I'll kill him myself. (He walks away.) (Steve phones Natasha. He's standing on the street in a cap and dark glasses.) [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah? [Steve Rogers] You alright? [Natasha Romanoff] Ah, yeah, thanks. I got lucky. (Frowning she looks around, then stands up.) I know how much Barnes means to you. I really do. Stay home. You'll only make this worse. For all of us. Please. [Steve Rogers] Are you saying you'll arrest me? [Natasha Romanoff] No. Someone will. If you interfere. That's how it works now. [Steve Rogers] If he's this far gone, Nat, I should be the one to bring him in. [Natasha Romanoff] Why? [Steve Rogers] Because I'm the one least likely to die trying. (Not far away Steve ends the call.) [Natasha Romanoff] Shit. (Steve approaches Sam sitting at the counter of a coffee shop.) [Sam Wilson] She tell you to stay out of it? (He's also in a cap and shades.) Might have a point. [Steve Rogers] He'd do it for me. [Sam Wilson] 1945, maybe. I just want to make sure we considered all our options. The people that shoot at you usually wind up shooting at me. (Sharon arrives by Steve.) [Sharon Carter] Tips have been pouring in since that footage went public. Everybody thinks the Winter soldier goes to their gym. Most of it's noise. Except for this. (She slides Steve a file.) My boss expects a briefing, pretty much now . . . so that's all the head start you're gonna get. [Steve Rogers] Thank you. [Sharon Carter] And you're gonna have to hurry. We have orders to shoot on sight. (Zemo sits in a hotel room. He reads from Karpov's red book.) [Helmut Zemo] Возвращение на Родину. Возвращение на Родину. Один. Один. Грузовой вагон… Грузовой вагон. Грузов- ((subtitled) Homecoming. One. One. Fright Car.) (Knocking at the door. He puts the book in a drawer and goes to the door. He reaches for a gun tucked in the back of his trouser and cocks it.) [German Innkeeper] Herr Müller, ich habe Ihr Frühstück. ((subtitled) Mr. Müller. I have your breakfast.) (Zemo opens the door.) [Helmut Zemo] Ich konnte es schon von weitem riechen. Danke. ((subtitled) I could smell it before I opened the door. Thank you.) [German Innkeeper] Speck und schwarzer Kaffe. Wieder. Ich kann Ihnen auch was anderes machen, wenn Sie das möchten. ((subtitled) Side of bacon and black coffee. Again. I can make you something different, if you like.) [Helmut Zemo] Bitte sehr, das ist wunderbar. ((subtitled) It's okay. This is wonderful.) [German Innkeeper] Ich stell es dann mal hier hin… ((subtitled) I'll put this on your . . .) [Helmut Zemo] Nein, nein. Das geht schon. Ich mach das. Vielen Dank, Frau Leiber. ((subtitled) No, no. It's okay. I can manage. Thank you Mrs. Leiber.) (Zemo closes the door. In the room is a large device with a cage at the bottom and a drum of coppered wire on top.) (Bucharest. Bucky is in civvies at a fruit store. He buys some plums!) [Bucky Barnes] (talking to the vendor in Romanian) ((assumed translation) How are they? Are they good? Give me six, thank you.(2)) (In a black cap and casual jacket Bucky walks along scanning around. Across the street he spots a twenty-something vender at a news-stand watching him. Bucky glances away, then looks back at the vender who's still watching him. The vender runs from his kiosk. Bucky goes over and picks up a paper. On the front page there are surveillance-photos of a man and the head line: 'Winter Soldier cautat pentru Bombardmentul din Viena'. Bucky glances around tensely.) (In his dark blue, armored suit with his shield on his arm Steve is in a small apartment. He looks around, there's a mattress with disheveled covers and various bits of cheap looking furniture. The kitchen and bedroom are in the same room. Steve finds a notebook on top of the fridge. He picks it up and opens it. There are tabs of varying colors sticking out from amongst the pages.) [Sam Wilson] (on radio) Heads up, Cap. German Special Forces, approaching from the south. [Steve Rogers] Understood. (Bucky's standing behind Steve. Steve slowly turns around to face him.) Do you know me? [Bucky Barnes] (Bucky stares at him.) You're Steve. I read about you in a museum. [Sam Wilson] They've set the perimeter. [Steve Rogers] I know you're nervous. And you have plenty of reason to be. But you're lying. [Bucky Barnes] I wasn't in Vienna. I don't do that anymore. [Sam Wilson] They're entering the building. [Steve Rogers] Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they're not planning on taking you alive. [Bucky Barnes] That's smart. Good strategy. [Sam Wilson] They're on the roof. I'm compromised. (Armed cops run upstairs.) [Steve Rogers] This doesn't have end in a fight, Buck. (Outside the door a cop readies a battering ram.) [Bucky Barnes] It always ends in a fight. [Sam Wilson] 5 seconds. [Steve Rogers] You pulled me from the river. Why? [Bucky Barnes] I don't know. [Sam Wilson] 3 seconds! [Steve Rogers] Yes, you do. [Sam Wilson] Breach! Breach! Breach! (A grenade crashes through the window. Bucky kicks it to Steve, and he smothers it with his shield.) [GSG-9 Soldier] Schieß die Tür auf! (Shoot the door!) (The cop slams the battering ram against the door. Bucky shields himself with the mattress against an attack from the window. He blocks the door with a table as cops swing in on cables. Steve pulls the rug from under a policeman, sending him flying. Bucky slams another policeman into the wall.) [Steve Rogers] Buck, stop! You're gonna kill someone. [Bucky Barnes] (Bucky slams Steve down and punches a hole in the floor.) I'm not gonna kill anyone. (Bucky grabs a backpack from under the floorboards and throws it out of the window. Bucky and Steve get behind Steve's shield to avoid gunfire. Bucky shoves Steve and he knocks a cop over. Bucky holds up his metal hand and repells bullets, then slams a cop into shelves. Bucky picks up a large cement brick and slams it into a cop. Steve fights a cop on the balcony. A cop shoots around the door outside. Bucky punches through the wall beside he door. He lays into the cops. A cop descends through a sky-light on a zip wire. Bucky grabs the cop's gun and slams him into the wall. Bucky bashes a couple of cops with the battering ram. More of the police team hurry up the stairwell. Bucky jumps on the zip-line-guy and swings down a level.) [GSG-9 Soldier] Der Verdächtige ist ausgebrochen. Er ist am östlichen Treppenschacht. ((subtitled) Suspect has broken containment! He's headed down the east stairwell!) (Steve grabs the radio and crushes it. Steve jumps down a level as Bucky keeps punching the cops. Bucky tosses one of them over the railing and Steve catches him, stopping the cop from falling. He looks at Bucky wearily.) [Steve Rogers] Come on, man. (Steve throws the cop up onto the landing. Bucky breaks a banister and swings down on it. Steve hurls a cop over his shoulders. Bucky lays into jet more cops and takes them out. A cop aims at Bucky and Steve knocks the gun from his hands with his shield which sticks in the wall. Bucky leaps down the stairwell and catches onto a railing. Steve pulls his shiel out of the wall. Bucky climbs up then runs along a corridor and leaps off a balcony. He tumbles onto the lower roof of the neighboring building where he finds where his backpack. he picks it up and runs.) (A muscular man clad entirely in black, Black Panther, slams into Bucky from behind, knocking him down. He has a full face mask with pointed ears. He extends his fingers and sharp claws pop out. He attacks Bucky with sweeping kicks and slashes. Bucky fights back but is kicked into a wall. Black Panther swipes his claws and spins gracefully. Bucky narrowly avoids being slashed, he holds up a metal bar to protect himself.) (Steve looks down at them as Falcon swoops from the sky.) [Steve Rogers] Sam, southwest rooftop. [Sam Wilson] Who the hell's the other guy? [Steve Rogers] About to find out. (Steve leaps from the balcony down onto the neighboring building as a chopper flies up. Black Panther lunges at Bucky with his claws, but Bucky grabs his wrists. A soldier fires a machine gun from the chopper. The ammo bounces off Black Panther's armored suit.) [Steve Rogers] Sam. [Sam Wilson] Got him. (Sam flies down and shoves the chopper off course. Then swoops towards street level.) (Bucky breaks free from his attacker, slings his bag on his back, runs and jumps down a level. Black Panther slides down the wall using his claws for traction. Back lands at street level and the chase continues. Steve follows and lands rolling along the ground. Gunfire from the chopper tears up the sidewalk. Bucky jumps down through an opening and lands in an underpass, he runs through the traffic. Black Panther and Captain America drop down and chase after Bucky. A Special Forces Vehicle pursues them.) [GSG-9 Driver] Stand down! Stand down! (The vehicle closes in, blue lights flashing. Steve leaps onto the vehicle and splinters the windshield. The driver stops, Steve yanks him from the vehicle and kicks the windshield out, then drives off.) (Bucky runs over the top of a speeding car, outpacing it. Black Panther is a few cars behind, keeping pace with Bucky. he leaps on the back of the 4x4 that Steve's driving. Steve swerves from side to side, trying to throw him off.) [Steve Rogers] Sam, I can't shake this guy. [Sam Wilson] Right behind you. (Several police cars join the chase. Steve side-swipes another car and drives on.) (Up ahead Bucky reaches a fork in the road and faces oncoming traffic. He leaps over a barrier. Steve drives through the barrier.) (A motorbike speeds towards Bucky. Bucky grabs the handlebar and spins the bike around in mid air, throwing the rider off. Bcuky gets on the bike and rides away sending cars careering out of the way. Steve keeps on Bucky's tail with Black Panther holding onto the back of the 4x4. They all rocket through another underpass. Sam flies into the underpass. Black Panther leaps off the front of the 4x4 onto Bucky's motorbike. Bucky flings him over his head and the bike leans down on its side. Bucky kicks his assailant away, straightens up and rides on. Black Panther catches a ride on Falcon's leg. Sam tries to kick Black Panther away. Bucky throws a sticky bomb and blows up the roof at the end of the underpass, bringing down tons of rubble. Black Panther leaps off from Falcon and throws Bucky off the motorbike. Steve swerves the 4x4 through the rubble, leaps out and pulls Black Panther away from Bucky. Steve stands, facing sleek and muscular Black Panther. Armed police arrive and surround them, guns aimed. War Machine leaps down from above and raises both hands.) [James Rhodes] Stand down, now. (Bucky stands beside Steve who puts his shield on his back.) Congratulations, Cap. You're a criminal. (Police move in and force Bucky to his knees. Black Panther raises his hands. A cop moves Steve's arms behind his back. Black Panther retracts his claws and pulls off his mask revealing his face. It's T'Challa. Steve and Rhodes look curious.) [GSG-9 Soldier] Wie lautet der Befehl? (What's the order?) [James Rhodes] Your highness. (Bucky's hauled flat on the ground.) (Avengers HQ. Vision follows a recipe.) [Vision] 'A pinch of paprika.' A pinch. (He adds a pinch. Wanda strolls in.) [Wanda Maximoff] Is that paprikash? [Vision] I thought it might . . . lift your spirits. [Wanda Maximoff] (She chuckles, stirs the ingredients in the pan with a spoon. She lifts the spoon to her lips, blows and has a taste. She smiles.) Spirits lifted. [Vision] In my defense, I haven't actually ever . . . eaten anything before, so . . . [Wanda Maximoff] May I? [Vision] Please. Wanda? [Wanda Maximoff] Hmm. [Vision] No one dislikes you, Wanda. (She frowns curiously.) [Wanda Maximoff] Thanks. [Vision] Oh, you're welcome. No, it's a . . . involuntary response in their amygdala. They can't help but be afraid of you. [Wanda Maximoff] Are you? [Vision] My amygdala is synthetic, so . . . (Wanda laughs.) [Wanda Maximoff] I used to think of myself one way. But after this . . . (her fingers glow.) I am something else. I'm still me, I think, but . . . that's not what everyone else sees. [Vision] (He touches the mind stone in his forehead.) Do you know, I don't know what this is? (It glows.) Not really. I know it's not of this world, that it powered Loki's staff, gave you your abilities, but . . . its true nature is a mystery. And yet, it is part of me. [Wanda Maximoff] Are you afraid of it? [Vision] I wish to understand it. The more I do, the less it controls me. One day . . . who knows? I may even control it. [Wanda Maximoff] (Wanda looks at the food.) I don't know what's in this but it is not paprika. I'm gonna go to the store. I'll be back in 20 minutes. [Vision] Alternatively, we could order a pizza? [Wanda Maximoff] Vision, are you not letting me leave? [Vision] (He blocks her way.) It is a question of safety. [Wanda Maximoff] I can protect myself. [Vision] (He holds her arm.) Not yours. Mr. Stark would like to avoid the possibility of another public incident. Until the Accords are on a . . . more secured foundation. [Wanda Maximoff] And what do you want? [Vision] For people to see you . . . as I do. (She looks at him gravely.) (Berlin, day. Traffic rolls around the victory column. Police convoy drives beside the river Spree. Amidst the convoy is a gray armed truck. Inside Bucky wears restraints inside a prison pod. Three armed guards sit on the other side of the glass-walled pod. A police motorbike stops traffic and a van driver looks affronted. The convoy turns a corner onto a bridge across the river. In an SUV T'Challa sits in front of Steve who sits in front of Sam.) [Sam Wilson] So, you like cats? [Steve Rogers] Sam. [Sam Wilson] What? Dude shows up dressed like a cat and you don't wanna know more? [Steve Rogers] Your suit . . . t's Vibranium? [T'Challa] (T'Challes eyes narrow as he glances sideways.) The Black Panther has been the protector of Wakanda for generations. A mantle, passed from warrior to warrior. And now, because your friend murdered my father, I also wear the mantle of king. So, I ask you . . . as both warrior and king . . . how long do you think you can keep your friend safe from me? (Steve is stony faced as the convoy heads underground.) (In a light gray walled bunker Bucky's pod is carried away by a forklift. Nearby Steve gets out of the SUV and glances across at Bucky who doesn't spot him. With Sam and T'Challa Steve approaches Sharon who's standing with a diminutive, gray-head man.) [Steve Rogers] What's gonna happen to him? [Everett Ross] Same thing that ought to happen to you. Psychological evaluation and extradition. [Sharon Carter] This is Everett Ross, Deputy Task Force Commander. [Steve Rogers] What about our lawyer? [Everett Ross] Lawyer. That's funny. See their weapons are placed in lockup. Oh, we'll write you a receipt. [Sam Wilson] I better not look out the window and see anybody flying around in that. (As they go Steve looks back and catches Bucky's eye.) (On a covered sky walk.) [Everett Ross] You'll be provided with an office instead of a cell. Now, do me a favor, stay in it? [T'Challa] I don't intend on going anywhere. [Natasha Romanoff] For the record, this is what making things worse looks like. [Steve Rogers] He's alive. [Tony Stark] (on his phone) No. Romania was not Accords-sanctioned. And, Colonel Rhodes is supervising cleanup. [Natasha Romanoff] Try not to break anything while we fix this. [Tony Stark] (still on the phone.) Consequences? You bet there'll be consequences. Obviously you can quote me on that 'cause I just said it. Anything else? Thank you, sir. [Steve Rogers] 'Consequences'? [Tony Stark] Secretary Ross wants you both prosecuted. Had to give him something. [Steve Rogers] I'm not getting that shield back, am I? [Natasha Romanoff] Technically, it's the government's property. Wings, too. [Sam Wilson] That's cold. [Tony Stark] Warmer than jail. (At a power station surrounded by trees the van with the driver who was affronted by the police convoy pulls up by the open gate. Scowling he puts the parking break on and picks up a clip board.) [Delivery Truck Driver] Das kann nicht richtig sein. Was zum Teufel? (This can't be right. What the hell?) (In a secured chamber a guard connects a pipe to Bucky's prison pod. The lights inside dim for a moment.) (Tony finds Steve in a glass-walled office overlooking the control room.) [Tony Stark] Hey, you wanna see something cool? I pulled something from Dad's archives. Felt timely. (Tony shows him two pens in a black presentation box.) FDR signed the Lend-Lease bill with these in 1941. Provided support to the Allies when they needed it most. [Steve Rogers] Some would say it brought our country closer to war. [Tony Stark] See? If not for these, you wouldn't be here. I'm trying to . . . what do you call it? That's an olive branch. Is that what you call it? [Steve Rogers] Is Pepper here? I didn't see her. [Tony Stark] We're kinda . . . well, not kinda . . . [Steve Rogers] Pregnant? [Tony Stark] No. Definitely not. We're taking a break. It's nobody's fault. [Steve Rogers] I'm so sorry, Tony. I didn't know. [Tony Stark] A few years ago, I almost lost her, so I trashed all my suits. Then, we had to mop up HYDRA . . . and then Ultron. My fault. And then, and then, and then, I never stopped. Because the truth is I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna lose her. I thought maybe the Accords could split the difference. (Tony stands up and paces.) In her defense, I'm a handful. Yet, Dad was a pain in the ass, but he and Mom always made it work. [Steve Rogers] You know, I'm glad Howard got married. I only knew him when he was young and single. [Tony Stark] Oh, really? You two knew each other? He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times. God, I hated you. [Steve Rogers] I don't mean to make things difficult. [Tony Stark] I know, because you're a very polite person. [Steve Rogers] If I see a situation pointed south . . . I can't ignore it. Sometimes I wish I could. [Tony Stark] No, you don't. [Steve Rogers] (Steve smiles thinly.) No, I don't. Sometimes . . . [Tony Stark] Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth. But I don't wanna see you gone. We need you, Cap. So far, nothing's happened that can't be undone, if you sign. We can make the last 24 hours legit. Barnes gets transferred to an American psych-center . . . instead of a Wakandan prison. [Steve Rogers] (Steve frowns thoughtfully and picks up one of the fountain pens. He stands up and paces, then turns to Tony. In the control room beyond there are multiple screens on the walls.) I'm not saying it's impossible, but there would have to be safeguards. [Tony Stark] Sure. Once we put out the PR fire, those documents can be amended. I'd file a motion to have you and Wanda reinstated . . . [Steve Rogers] Wanda? What about Wanda? [Tony Stark] She's fine. She's confined to the compound, currently. Vision's keeping her company. [Steve Rogers] Oh God, Tony! Every time. Every time I think you see things the right way . . . [Tony Stark] What? It's a 100 acres with a lap pool. It's got a screening room. There's worse ways to protect people. [Steve Rogers] Protection? Is that how you see this? This is protection? It's internment, Tony. [Tony Stark] She's not a US citizen. [Steve Rogers] Oh, come on, Tony. [Tony Stark] And they don't grant visas to weapons of mass destruction. [Steve Rogers] She's a kid! [Tony Stark] GIVE ME A BREAK! I'm doing what has to be done . . . to stave off something worse. [Steve Rogers] (Steve nods faintly.) You keep telling yourself that. (He puts the pen down.) Hate to break up the set. (He leaves the office and rueful Tony watches Bucky on one of the control room's screens.) [Helmut Zemo] (The evaluator sits at a desk facing Bucky's pod. Inside Bucky's still restrained.) Hello, Mr. Barnes. I've been sent by the United Nations to evaluate you. Do you mind if I sit? Your first name is James? [Sharon Carter] (In an office with Sam and Steve.) The receipt for your gear. [Sam Wilson] 'Bird costume'? Come on. [Sharon Carter] I didn't write it. (Sharon pushes a button witch stops the restriction on the audio from Bucky's evaluation.) [Helmut Zemo] I'm not here to judge you. I just want to ask you a few questions. Do you know where you are, James? I can't help you if you don't talk to me, James. [Bucky Barnes] My name is Bucky. (At the power station. The van driver honks and looks impatient watching the custodian's hut's front door.) [Delivery Truck Driver] Hallo? ((subtitled) Hello?) (The custodian comes outside and the driver comes out of his van.) Hey. Ich hab eine große für dich. ((subtitled) Hey. I have a big one for you.) (He opens the van's back doors and removes a large wooden crate.) Ja. Okay, hier unterzeichnen. (Okay. Here. Just sign here.) [Custodian] Hier? (Here?) [Delivery Truck Driver] Ja. (Yeah.) (The custodian signs for the crate.) (At the UN-bunker Steve studies the blurry photograph of the man who bombed the congress in Vienna.) [Steve Rogers] Why would the Task Force release this photo to begin with? [Sharon Carter] Get the word out, involve as many eyes as we can? [Steve Rogers] Right. It's a good way to flush a guy out of hiding. Set off a bomb, get your picture taken. Get seven billion people looking for the Winter Soldier. [Sharon Carter] You're saying someone framed him to find him. [Sam Wilson] Steve, we looked for the guy for two years and found nothing. [Steve Rogers] We didn't bomb the UN. That turns a lot of heads. [Sharon Carter] Yeah, but that doesn't guarantee that whoever framed him would get him. It guarantees that we would. (Sharon's gaze falls on the evaluator in the screen, her eyes narrow.) [Steve Rogers] (Steve frowns and looks around.) Yeah. [Helmut Zemo] (In the secure chamber.) Tell me, Bucky. You've seen a great deal, haven't you? [Bucky Barnes] I don't want to talk about it. [Helmut Zemo] You fear that… if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop. Don't worry. (Zemo gets a message on his screen: 'message inbox:1' touches it 'status: package delivered'.) We only have to talk about one. (At the power station the custodian opens the crate. Finding Zemo's large device inside, he looks confused. The driver is at the back door of his van.) [Custodian] Hey, was ist das? (Hey. What is this?) [Delivery Truck Driver] Ich weiß es nicht. (I don't know.) (The device erupts. A bubble of energy engulfs the power station and sparks fly. In the city traffic lights fail. In the bunker the lights go out.) [Everett Ross] Great. Come on, guys, get me eyes on Barnes. Go. [Tony Stark] FRIDAY, get me the source of that outage. [Sharon Carter] (In the office.) Sub-level 5, east wing. (T'Challa spots Steve and Sam bolting.) (In Bucky's pod.) [Bucky Barnes] What the hell is this? [Helmut Zemo] Why don't we discuss your home? Not Romania. Certainly not Brooklyn, no. I mean, your real home. (Zemo removes his glasses then walks towards Bucky reading from the red book by torchlight.) Желание. ((subtitled) Longing.) [Bucky Barnes] (Bucky shuts his eyes.) No. (Bucky's head snaps back.) [Helmut Zemo] Ржавый. ((subtitled) Rusted.) [Bucky Barnes] Stop. [Helmut Zemo] Семнадцать. ((subtitled) Seventeen.) [Bucky Barnes] (Bucky's metal arm trembles in its restraint.) Stop. (He sneers angrily.) [Helmut Zemo] Рассвет. ((subtitled) Daybreak.) (Bucky screams, clenches his fist and rips free of his restraints.) [Helmut Zemo] Печь. ((subtitled) Furnace.) Девять. ((subtitled) Nine.) (Bucky thumps the inside of the pod.) [Helmut Zemo] Добросердечный. ((subtitled) Benign.) (Bucky punches harder.) [Helmut Zemo] Возвращение на Родину. ((subtitled) Homecoming.) Один. ((subtitled:) One.) Грузовой вагон. ((subtitled) Freight car.) (Bucky batteres the front of the pod with his metal fist and the glass screen flies clear. Zemo slowly rounds the pod with the book and the torch in hand. he stands before Bucky who straightens, a dark frown on his face.) [Helmut Zemo] Солдат? ((subtitled) Soldier?) [Bucky Barnes] Я готов отвечать. ((subtitled) Ready to comply.) [Helmut Zemo] Mission report. December 16, 1991. (Steve and Sam arrive outside the chamber. Red emergency lights flash all around. There are many agents slumped on the floor. All of them out cold.) [Helmut Zemo] Help me. Help. [Steve Rogers] (Steve finds Zemo in a heap inside the chamber.) Get up. (he grabs Zemo and shoves him against the wall.) Who are you? What do you want? [Helmut Zemo] To see an empire fall. (As Sam enters Bucky swings his fist which smashes through the wall as Sam ducks. Bucky grabs him by the jaw and throws him at the open pod. Steve lurches into the fight and lands a punch which Bucky barely feels. Bucky kicks and punches Steve out of the chamber. A punch from Bucky goes through the elevator door. Steve blocks the next one but the power of Bucky's fist sends Steve tumbling into the darkened elevator shaft.) (In the chamber Sam comes around and spots Zemo looking down the elevator shaft.) [Man on PA #1] Der Ostflügel ist kompromittiert. Ich wiederhole: Der Ostflügel ist kompromittiert. (The east wing is compromised. I repeat: the east wing is compromised.) [Sam Wilson] Hey. (Zemo bolts, Sam rises. At the bottom of the shaft Steve pushes himself off the floor.) (In the control room.) [Everett Ross] Evac all civilians. Get me a perimeter around the building, and gunships in the air. [Natasha Romanoff] Please tell me you brought a suit. [Tony Stark] Sure did. It's a lovely Tom Ford, three-piece, two-button. I'm an active-duty non-combatant. [Sharon Carter] Follow me. (Sharon runs past Tony and Natasha.) (Sam chases Zemo up a stair well.) (Steve starts to climb the elevator shaft.) (Bucky stalks through the building's ground floor. He batters two guards. With tech-glasses on Tony takes cover behind a pillar.) [Natasha Romanoff] (on radio:) We're in position. (Tony taps a wrist-control which becomes his Iron Man-glove. He zaps Bucky with a stun-burst before Bucky can shoot a guard. Tony rushes him, firing again. Bucky ducks the blast then trades blows with Tony, firing the gun. Tony has the Iron Man-glove over the barrel, blocking the bullet. He pulls the gun barrel loose then Bucky smacks him backwards. Sharon rushes Bucky, then Natasha rushes Bucky. They both land kicks and punches, then Bucky flips Sharon head over heels. She smashes onto a table then Natasha leaps on Bucky, legs around his neck. He slams her onto another table and grabs her throat.) [Natasha Romanoff] You could at least recognize me. (T'Challa comes from nowhere and kicks Bucky off Natasha. He fights with Bucky, landing lightning fast kicks and some punches. Bucky gets a counter punch in and T'Challa falls, but quickly recovers. Bucky hurries up some stairs. T'Challa leaps the levels and vaults a railing, landing in front of Bucky. Limber T'Challa spin-kicks and grabs Bucky's metal arm which he tries to twist then looks worried as he realizes it isn't going to work. He throws Bucky backwards and keeps hold as they both tumble down the stairs. They resume fighting on the small landing and a leg sweep sends Bucky over the railing. T'Challa leaps down after him but finds the wide reception empty. He scans around.) (Outside staff flee the building en masse. Sam is among them and quickly spots something on the ground. He picks it up.) [Sam Wilson] Damn it. (he looks around the wide courtyard and scowls.) (Bucky's on the rooftop helipad. He marches up to a blue chopper and pulls the lock off the door. he gets in the pilot seat. Steve rushes outside and sprints toward the rising chopper. He leaps and grabs the landing gear. Muscles bulging Steve pulls hard and the chopper struggles to gain height. Steve's feet kick for traction then he gets them flat on the helipad. The chopper drags him onto the weak looking mesh framing the helipad. Steve grabs the railing with one hand and clings to the landing gear with the other. He grits his teeth and his neck strains with the incredible effort. Bucky glowers from inside the chopper then throws the joystick left and the chopper's nose slams into the edge of the helipad. The rotor-blades are smashed to pieces and Steve ducks as the tail swings around. The chopper lies twisted on the mesh at the edge of the pad. Steve rises beside the canopy. Bucky's arm smashes through the glass and growling he grabs Steve's throat. The chopper starts to list over the edge. The tail breaks off and falls into the river below. Bucky keeps hold of Steve as the whole vehicle drops and slams into the river. The impact seems to knock Bucky out cold and he lets go of Steve. The body of the chopper sinks quickly to the riverbed along with other debris. Steve surfaces with Bucky in his arms.) (At an airport Zemo listens to a phone message.:) [Zemo's Wife] He asked me again if you were going to be there. I said I wasn't sure. You should've seen his little face. Just try, okay? I'm going to bed. I love you. (Frowning Zemo ends the call. A TV news report is playing nearby:) [News anchor #5] James Barnes, der mit dem Bombenanschlag auf die UN in Wien in Verbindung gebracht wird, ist heute aus der Haft entflohen. Ebenfalls vermisst werden die Avengers Captain Steve Rogers und Sam Wilson. ((subtitled:) James Barnes, the suspect in the UN Vienna bombing escaped custody today. Also missing Avenger Captain Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson.) (Zemo eyes the TV screen. He stands in line at a departures gate. The screen above the gate reads: 'Gate 06 | Berlin Flughafen | AEM2103 | 14:10 | Moskau/Moscow') (In a huge abandoned warehouse Bucky comes to with his metallic left arm clamped in a huge industrial vice. Steve peers through a gap at a chopper flying overhead. Sam's over by Bucky.) [Sam Wilson] Hey, Cap! (Steve goes over to join Sam by Bucky who sits with his arm in the vice. They stare at him.) [Bucky Barnes] Steve. [Steve Rogers] Which Bucky am I talking to? [Bucky Barnes] Your mom's name was Sarah...You used to wear newspapers in your shoes. [Steve Rogers] Can't read that in a museum. [Sam Wilson] Just like that, we're suppose to be cool? [Bucky Barnes] What did I do? [Steve Rogers] Enough. [Bucky Barnes] Oh, God, I knew this would happen. Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. All he had to do was say the goddamn words. [Steve Rogers] Who was he? [Bucky Barnes] I don't know. [Steve Rogers] People are dead. The bombing, the setup. The doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you. I need you to do better than "I don't know." [Bucky Barnes] He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where. [Steve Rogers] Why would he need to know that? [Bucky Barnes] Because I'm not the only Winter Soldier. (1991, at night Bucky rides alongside the car and somehow causes the car to crash. He circles back, pulls up and climbs off the motorbike. he's filmed on CCTV as he approaches the car's trunk. He janks it open, breaking the lock. Inside he opens a metal case which contains five clear drip bags filled with bright blue fluid.) (Four young men and a young woman sit up in hospital beds. The blue fluid is fed intravenously into their arms. The drip bags hang on stands beside them. They're all fit and muscular. One man, Josef, flexes a huge biceps. Josef is screaming, dragged into a cell and left on a bed.) [Josef / Super Soldier #1] It hurts! (He struggles in leather bindings. A viewing slot is closed.) (Karpov is sitting at a desk in a corridor, making notes and listening. Karpov opens the door to a lab and switches on the light. Josef is sitting on a bed. He looks up at Karpov.) (Bucky and Josef fight each other in a barred chamber. The four others who were given the blue liquid are there. Josef kicks with enormous power, sending Bucky flying. Watching Karpov folds his arms. [Vasily Karpov] Очень хорошо, Иосиф. ((subtitled) Good work.) (A medic takes Josef's pulse and Josef slams him onto the floor. A soldier clubs Josef onto the back with no effect. Karpov gets behind Bucky and aims a gun.) [Vasily Karpov] Солдат, вытащи меня отсюда! ((subtitled) Get me out of here.) (Josef and the other four Winter Soldiers effortlessly dispatch a squad of Soldiers. Bucky escorts covering Karpov from the barred chamber, batting guards aside.) [Steve Rogers] Who were they? [Bucky Barnes] Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in HYDRA history. And that was before the serum. [Sam Wilson] They all turn out like you? [Bucky Barnes] Worse. [Steve Rogers] The doctor, could he control them? [Bucky Barnes] Enough. [Steve Rogers] Said he wanted to see an empire fall. [Bucky Barnes] With these guys he could do it. They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize, They can take a whole country down in one night. You'd never see them coming. [Sam Wilson] (Sam steps up to Steve.) This would have been a lot easier a week ago. [Steve Rogers] If we call Tony . . . [Sam Wilson] No, he won't believe us. [Steve Rogers] Even if he did . . . [Sam Wilson] Who knows if the Accords would let him help. [Steve Rogers] We're on our own. [Sam Wilson] Maybe not. I know a guy. [Secretary Ross] I don't suppose you have any idea where they are? [Tony Stark] We will. GSG-9's got the borders covered. Recon's flying 24/7. They'll get a hit. We'll handle it. [Secretary Ross] You don't get it, Stark. It's not yours to handle. It's clear you can't be objective. I'm putting Special Ops on this. [Natasha Romanoff] What happens when the shooting starts? What, do you kill Steve Rogers? [Secretary Ross] If we're provoked. Barnes would've been eliminated in Romania if it wasn't for Rogers. There are dead people who would be alive now. Feel free to check my math. [Tony Stark] All due respect, you're not going to solve this with boys in bullets, Ross. You gotta let us bring them in. [Secretary Ross] How would that end any differently from the last time? [Tony Stark] Because this time, I won't be wearing loafers and a silk shirt. 72 hours, guaranteed. [Secretary Ross] 36 hours. Barnes. Rogers. Wilson. [Tony Stark] Thank you, sir. (Tony rubs his hand on his chest and slumps, exhaling.) My left arm is numb, is that normal? [Natasha Romanoff] (She pats him on the shoulder.) You alright? [Tony Stark] Always. (He has a massive black eye and a cut on his brow.) 36 hours, jeez. [Natasha Romanoff] We're seriously understaffed. [Tony Stark] Oh, yeah. It'd be great if we had a Hulk right about now. Any shot? [Natasha Romanoff] No. You really think he'd be on our side? [Tony Stark] No. [Natasha Romanoff] I have an idea. [Tony Stark] Me too. Where's yours? [Natasha Romanoff] Downstairs. Where's yours? (Tony smiles slightly.) (Queens, New York. Peter Parker walks out of an elevator holding a DVD-player and with a backpack on his shoulder. He walks into an apartment where his Aunt May is sitting on the couch with Tony Stark.) [Peter Parker] Hey, May. [May Parker] Mmm. Hey. How was school today? [Peter Parker] Okay. This crazy car parked outside . . . (Peter sees Tony and his eyes widen.) [Tony Stark] Oh, Mr. Parker. [Peter Parker] Um . . . (He takes out his earphones.) What--what are you doing . . .? Hey! Uh, I'm--Im--I'm Peter. [Tony Stark] Tony. [Peter Parker] What are . . .what are you--what are you--what are you doing here? [Tony Stark] It's about time we met. You've been getting my e-mails, right? [Peter Parker] Yeah. Yeah. [Tony Stark] Right? [Peter Parker] Regarding the . . . [May Parker] You didn't tell me about the grant. [Peter Parker] About the grant. [Tony Stark] The September Foundation. [Peter Parker] Right. [Tony Stark] Yeah. Remember when you applied? [Peter Parker] Yeah. [Tony Stark] I approved, so now we're in business. [May Parker] You didn't tell me anything. What's up with that? You keeping secrets from me now? [Peter Parker] Why, I just, I just . . . I just know how much you love surprises, so I thought I would let you know . . . wh . . . anyway, what did I apply for? [Tony Stark] That's what I'm here to hash out. [Peter Parker] Okay. Hash, hash out, okay. [Tony Stark] It's so hard for me to believe that she's someone's aunt. [May Parker] Yeah, well, we come in all shapes and sizes, you know? [Tony Stark] This walnut date loaf is exceptional. [Peter Parker] Let me just stop you there. [Tony Stark] Yeah? [Peter Parker] Is this grant, like, got money involved or whatever? No? [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Peter Parker] Yeah? [Tony Stark] It's pretty well funded. [Peter Parker] Wow. [Tony Stark] Look who you're talking to. Can I have 5 minutes with him? [May Parker] Sure. [Tony Stark] (In Peter's bedroom Tony bolts the door and spits out the walnut loaf.) As walnut date loaves go, that wasn't bad. (He notices Peter's collection of old computers.) Whoa, what do we have here? Retro tech, huh? Thrift store? Salvation Army? [Peter Parker] Uh, the garbage, actually. [Tony Stark] You're a dumpster diver. [Peter Parker] Yeah, I was . . . anyway, look, um, I definitely did not apply for your grant. [Tony Stark] Ah-ah! Me first. [Peter Parker] Okay. [Tony Stark] Quick question of the rhetorical variety. (He pulls out his phone which projects a video of Peter Parker in his Spider-Man outfit.) That's you, right? [Peter Parker] Um, no. What do you. What do you mean? [Tony Stark] Yeah. Look at you go. Wow! Nice catch. 3,000 pounds, 40 miles an hour. That's not easy. You got mad skills. [Peter Parker] That's all- That's all on YouTube, though, right? I mean, that's where you found that? Because you know that's all fake. It's all done on the computer. [Tony Stark] Mm-Hmm. [Peter Parker] It's like that video. What is it? [Tony Stark] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah . . . oh, you mean like those UFOs over Phoenix? [Peter Parker] Exactly. [Tony Stark] Oh, what have we here? [Peter Parker] (Peter hides his Spider-Man suit.) Uh . . . that's a . . . [Tony Stark] So. You're the . . . Spider . . . ling. Crime-fighting Spider . . .you're Spider-Boy? [Peter Parker] (Peter folds his arms petulantly.) S . . . Spider-Man. [Tony Stark] Not in that onesie, you're not. [Peter Parker] It's not a onesie. (Tony picks up the suit.) I don't believe this. I was actually having a real good day today, you know, Mr. Stark. Didn't miss my train, this perfectly good DVD player was just sitting there and . . . Algebra test. Nailed it! [Tony Stark] Who else knows? Anybody? [Peter Parker] Nobody. [Tony Stark] Not even your . . . unusually attractive aunt? [Peter Parker] No. No, no. No, no. If she knew, she would freak out. And when she freaks out, I freak out. [Tony Stark] You know what I think is really cool? This webbing. That tensile strength is off the charts. Who manufactured that? [Peter Parker] I did. [Tony Stark] Climbing the walls, how you doing that? Adhesive gloves? [Peter Parker] It's a long story. I was uh . . . [Tony Stark] Lordy! Can you even see in these? [Peter Parker] Yes. Yes, I can! I can. I can-I can see in those. Okay? It's just that… when whatever happened, happened . . . it's like my senses have been dialed to 11. There's way too much input, so . . . they just kinda help me focus. [Tony Stark] You're in dire need of an upgrade. Systemic, top to bottom. 100-point restoration. That's why I'm here. (Peter sits on his bed and looks at Tony.) Why you doing this? I gotta know. What's your MO? What gets you outta that twin bed in the morning? [Peter Parker] Because . . . (he fiddles with his fingers) because l've been me my whole life, and l've had these powers for 6 months. [Tony Stark] Mm-Hmm. [Peter Parker] I read books, I build computers . . . and--and yeah. I would love to play football. But I couldn't then so I shouldn't now. [Tony Stark] Sure, because you're different. [Peter Parker] Exactly. But I can't tell anybody that, so I'm not. When you can do the things that I can, but you don't . . . (Tony leans closer.) and then the bad things happen . . . they happen because of you. [Tony Stark] (he looks affected by Peter's words.) So you wanna look out for the little guy? You wanna do your part? Make the world a better place, all that, right? [Peter Parker] Yeah. Yeah just looking out . . . for the little guy. That's--that's what it is. [Tony Stark] (He slowly steps over to Peter whose leg is stretched out on the bed. Tony looks down at it.) I'm gonna sit here, so you move the leg. (Peter moves along. Tony sits beside him and raises his hand. He hesitantly clasps Peter's shoulder.) You got a passport? [Peter Parker] Uh, no. I don't even have a driver's license. [Tony Stark] You ever been to Germany? [Peter Parker] No. [Tony Stark] Oh, you'll love it. [Peter Parker] I can't go to Germany! [Tony Stark] Why? [Peter Parker] I got . . . homework. [Tony Stark] I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that. [Peter Parker] I'm---I'm being serious! I can't just drop out of school! [Tony Stark] Might be a little dangerous. Better tell Aunt Hottie I'm taking you on a field trip. [Peter Parker] (He webs Tony's hand to the door.) Don't tell Aunt May. [Tony Stark] Alright, Spider-Man. (They share an earnest look before Tony returns to his usual attitude.) Get me out of this. [Peter Parker] Sorry, I'll get the . . . (Night, at Avengers' HQ. Vision floats above the floor. An explosion in the distance lights up the room for a moment. Vision and Wanda look out of the window.) [Wanda Maximoff] What is it? [Vision] Stay here, please. (Vision goes. Suddenly Wanda compels a knife across the room. It stops dead in front of Clint's head.) [Clint Barton] Guess I shoulda knocked. [Wanda Maximoff] Oh my god! What are you doing here? [Clint Barton] Disappointing my kids. (He shoots arrows to both sides of the room.) I'm supposed to go water-skiing. Cap needs our help. Come on. [Vision] Clint! (Wanda and Clint stop.) You should not be here. [Clint Barton] (He turns around.) Really? I retire for, what, like five minutes, and it all goes to shit. [Vision] Please consider the consequences of your actions. [Clint Barton] Okay, they're considered. Okay, we gotta go. (Vision is held in a force field, crackling and sparkling between the two arrows.) It's this way. [Wanda Maximoff] I've caused enough problems. [Clint Barton] (Frowning Clint runs back from the door.) You gotta help me, Wanda. Look, you wanna mope, can go to high school. You wanna make amends, you get off your ass. Shit. (Vision breaks the force field with his mind stone. He punches Clint to the floor, Clint recovers quickly.) I knew I should've stretched. (He extends a baton and tries to hit Vision, but the blows go through him. Clint resorts to punches, then tries the baton again. It breaks. Clint tries to kick Vision, but his leg goes right through him. Vision gets Clint in a headlock.) [Vision] Clint, you can't overpower me. [Clint Barton] I know I can't. But she can. [Wanda Maximoff] Vision, that's enough. Let him go. I'm leaving. [Vision] I can't let you. [Wanda Maximoff] (She holds her hands apart, glowing with energy. Clint slips from Vision's grasp.) I'm sorry. [Vision] (He falters.) If you do this . . . they will never stop being afraid of you. [Wanda Maximoff] I can't control their fear, only my own. (She moves closer. Vision glows from within and crashes through the floor, and several floors beneath. Wanda and Clint stand over the holes in the floors.) [Clint Barton] Oh . . . come on. We got one more stop. (Back at the Joint Counter Terrorist Centre:) [Attache] It's just a matter of time. Our satellites are running facial, bio-metric, and behavioral pattern scans. [Security Chief] (to Natasha who's standing in their way) Move, or you will be moved. [T'Challa] As entertaining as that would be . . . [Natasha Romanoff] You really think you can find him? [T'Challa] My resources are considerable. [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah, it took the world 70 years to find Barnes . . . so you could probably do that in about half the time. [T'Challa] You know where they are. [Natasha Romanoff] I know someone who does. (Under an overpass:) [Sharon Carter] Not sure you understand the concept of a getaway car. [Steve Rogers] It's low profile. [Sharon Carter] Good, because this stuff tends to draw a crowd. (She opens the trunk of her car, revealing Steve's and Sams's gear.) [Bucky Barnes] (He sits behind Sam in the getaway car.) Can you move your seat up? [Sam Wilson] No. [Steve Rogers] I owe you again. [Sharon Carter] Keeping a list. (She glances at Bucky.) You know, he kinda tried to kill me. [Steve Rogers] Sorry. I'll put it on the list, too. They're going to come looking for you. [Sharon Carter] I know. (They kiss.) [Steve Rogers] Thank you, Sharon. [Sharon Carter] That was . . . [Steve Rogers] Late. [Sharon Carter] Damn right. I should go. [Steve Rogers] Okay. (On the 6th level of a parking garage at the Leipzig/Halle airport. Steve drives into the parking lot in the battered, old car. He parks by a grey van and gets out.) [Clint Barton] Cap. [Steve Rogers] You know I wouldn't have called If I had any other choice. [Clint Barton] Hey man, you're doing me a favor. Besides, I owe a debt. [Steve Rogers] Thanks for having my back. [Wanda Maximoff] It was time to get off my ass. [Steve Rogers] How about our other recruit? [Clint Barton] He's rarin' to go. Had to put a little coffee in him, but… he should be good. [Scott Lang] What timezone is this? [Clint Barton] Come on. Come on. [Scott Lang] (Scott shakes Steve's hand with an amazed look.) Captain America. [Steve Rogers] Mr. Lang. [Scott Lang] It's an honor. I'm shaking your hand too long. Wow! This is awesome! Captain America. (He looks at Wanda.) I know you, too. You're great! (He turns back and feels Steve's shoulders.) Jeez. Ah, look, I wanna say, I know you know a lot of super people, so . . . thinks for thanking of me. ((sic!) To Sam.) Hey, man! [Sam Wilson] What's up, Tic Tac? [Scott Lang] Uh, good to see you. Look, what happened last time when I . . . [Sam Wilson] It was a great audition, but it'll . . . it'll never happen again. [Steve Rogers] They tell you what we're up against? [Scott Lang] Something about some . . . psycho-assassins? [Steve Rogers] We're outside the law on this one. So, if you come with us, you're a wanted man. [Scott Lang] Yeah, well, what else is new? [Bucky Barnes] We should get moving. [Clint Barton] We got a chopper lined up. [Man on PA #2] Dies ist eine Notsituation. Alle Passagiere müssen den Flughafen sofort evakuieren. (This is an emergency. All passengers must evacuate the airport immediately.) [Bucky Barnes] They're evacuating the airport. [Sam Wilson] Stark. [Scott Lang] Stark? [Steve Rogers] Suit up. (Steve in his uniform strides through an underpass, then jogs onto a private runway, heading for a grounded chopper. An electro-disabler slams onto the chopper and Steve looks up. Iron Man and War Machine decent.) [Tony Stark] Wow, it's so weird how you run into people at the airport. Don't you think that's weird? [James Rhodes] Definitely weird. [Steve Rogers] Hear me out, Tony. That doctor, the psychiatrist, he's behind all of this. [T'Challa] (T'Challa leaps over a truck.) Captain. [Steve Rogers] Your highness. [Tony Stark] Anyway, Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in. That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out? [Steve Rogers] You're after the wrong guy. [Tony Stark] Your judgment is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday. [Steve Rogers] And there are five more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't. [Natasha Romanoff] Steve . . . you know what's about to happen. Do you really wanna punch your way out of this one? [Tony Stark] All right, I've run out of patience. Underoos! (Peter shoots a web, stealing Steve's shield and binding his hands.) Nice job, kid. [Peter Parker] Thanks. Well, I could've stuck the landing a little better. It's just the new suit… Well, it's nothing, Mr. Stark. It's--it's perfect. Thank you. [Tony Stark] Yeah, we don't really need to start a conversation. [Peter Parker] Okay. Cap . . . Captain. Big fan, I'm Spider-Man. [Tony Stark] Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Just . . . [Peter Parker] Hey, everyone. [Tony Stark] . . . Good job. [Steve Rogers] You've been busy. [Tony Stark] And you've been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint. 'Rescuing' Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place. I'm trying to keep . . . I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart. [Steve Rogers] You did that when you signed. [Tony Stark] Alright, We're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us. NOW! Because it's us! Or a squad of J-SOC guys . . . with no compunction about being impolite. (Steve looks aside.) Come on. [Sam Wilson] (He radios Steve.) We found it. Their Quinjet's in hanger five, north runway. [Steve Rogers] (Steve holds his hands up and Clint shoots the web off.) Alright, Lang. [Peter Parker] Hey, guys, something . . . [James Rhodes] Whoa. What--what the hell was that? [Scott Lang] (He retrieves Steve's shield.) I believe this is yours, Captain America. [Tony Stark] Oh, great. Alright, there's two on the parking deck. One of them's Maximoff, I'm gonna grab her. Rhodey, you want to take Cap? [James Rhodes] Got two in the terminal, Wilson and Barnes. [T'Challa] Barnes is mine! [Peter Parker] Hey, Mr. Stark, what should I do? [Tony Stark] What we discussed. Keep your distance. Web 'em up. [Peter Parker] Okay, copy that! [T'Challa] Move, Captain. I won't ask a second time. [Scott Lang] (He faces Natasha.) Look, I really don't want to hurt you. [Natasha Romanoff] I wouldn't stress about it. (She kicks him in the groin and he miniaturizes, throwing her head over heels. She zaps him off her wrist and he slams into a nearby truck, laving a small dent.) [Bucky Barnes] (In the terminal.) What the hell is that? [Sam Wilson] Everyone's got a gimmick now. [Peter Parker] (Peter swings through the glass wall and kicks Sam backwards. Bucky throws a punch, Peter catches his fist.) You have a metal arm? That is awesome, dude! (Sam hits Peter.) You have the right to remain silent! (Mid-air Peter fends Sam off, then swings after him using his webs.) (Iron Man shoots rockets that explode just beyond Clint and Wanda.) (Steve fights hand to hand with T'Challa. War Machine locks on.) [James Rhodes] Sorry, Cap. This won't kill you but it ain't gonna tickle either. (He smacks Steve's shield with a mace.) [Tony Stark] (Hovering above the ground.) Wanda, I think you hurt Vision's feelings. [Wanda Maximoff] You locked me in my room. [Tony Stark] Okay. First, that's an exaggeration. Second, I did it to protect you. Hey, Clint. [Clint Barton] Hey, man. [Tony Stark] Clearly, retirement doesn't suit you. You got tired of shooting golf? [Clint Barton] Well, I played 18, I shot 18. Just can't seem to miss. (He fires an arrow which Tony deflects.) [Tony Stark] First time for everything. [Clint Barton] Made you look. (Suddenly a car slams past Iron Man. He looks up as dozens more come crashing down. Wanda rows her glowing hands until Iron Man is buried under a pile of cars.) [FRIDAY] Multiple contusions detected. [Tony Stark] Yeah, I detected that too. (Peter wings through the rafters in the terminal, chasing Sam who flies backwards firing shots. Peter stops on a high beam.) [Peter Parker] Oh god. (Bucky throws something at him.) Hey buddy, I think you lost this! (Peter throws it back. Sam kicks him off the beam and Peter fires a web which sends Sam crashing to the floor. Peter webs Sam's wrist to a balcony railing.) Those wings carbon fiber? [Sam Wilson] Is this stuff coming out of you? [Peter Parker] That would explain the rigidity-flexibility ratio, which, gotta say, that's awesome, man. [Sam Wilson] I don't know if you've been a fight before but there's usually not this much talking. [Peter Parker] Alright, sorry, my bad. (He swings down and Bucky jumps in the way. Bucky and Sam fall through the glass down onto the next floor and Peter webs them.) Guys, look. I'd love to keep this up but I've only got one job here today and I gotta impress Mr. Stark, so, I'm really sorry. (Redwing drags Peter through the glass wall.) Wwahhhh! [Bucky Barnes] You couldn't have done that earlier? [Sam Wilson] I hate you. (Outside Steve kicks War Machine out of the air, then sends T'Challa reeling. War Machine's mace is broken.) [James Rhodes] Great. [Scott Lang] Hey, Cap, heads up! (He throws Steve a miniature truck.) Throw it at this. Now! (Steve throws it and the truck enlarges, tumbling towards War Machine.) [James Rhodes] Oh, come on! (The truck lands and explodes.) [Scott Lang] Oh, man. I thought it was a water truck. Uh . . . sorry. (Scott and Steve run off.) [James Rhodes] Alright. Now, I'm pissed. [Natasha Romanoff] (Tony helps her up.) Is this, part of the plan? [Tony Stark] Well, my plan was to go easy on them. You wanna switch it up? [Clint Barton] (To Wanda as he spots the Quinjet.) There's our ride. [Steve Rogers] Come on! (Steve's team runs towards the Quinjet. A fizzing stream of energy slices across the runway and they stop. Vision hovers overhead.) [Vision] Captain Rogers. I know you believe what you're doing is right. But for the collective good you must surrender now. (Tony's team arrives.) [Sam Wilson] What do we do, Cap? [Steve Rogers] We fight. [Natasha Romanoff] This is gonna end well. (The two teams stride towards each other with grim determination etched on their faces.) [Peter Parker] They're not stopping. [Tony Stark] Neither are we. (Everyone breaks into a sprint.) (Steve blocks a punch as Iron Man lands. Clint fires an arrow at Vision. War Machine flies after Falcon and Bucky trades blows with T'Challa. An explosive arrow hits Iron Man. Natasha throws Scott, as Peter swings through the air, struggling to evade vehicles projected by Wanda. Bucky lands punches on T'Challa, Clint and Natasha battle with batons. Clint pins her down with his bow.) [Natasha Romanoff] We're still friends, right? [Clint Barton] Depends on how hard you hit me. (She spins him with her legs. As she's about to kick his head, her foot stops and glows bright red. Wanda projects Natasha down.) [Wanda Maximoff] You were pulling your punches. (Clint nods sheepishly.) [Bucky Barnes] (Bucky and T'Challa have each other by the throat.) I didn't kill your father. [T'Challa] Then why did you run? (T'Challa pulls Bucky's hand off his neck, then spins him and fly-kicks him backwards. He sprouts claws and aims for Bucky's neck, but Wanda stops his hand, then waves her arms and sends T'Challa crashing into a passenger gangway.) (Peter swings past, Steve snaps the web with his shield.) [Peter Parker] That thing does not obey the laws of physics at all. [Steve Rogers] Look kid. There's a lot going on here that you don't understand. [Peter Parker] Mr. Stark said you'd say that. Wow. (he fires webs which stick to Steve's shield and ankle. He pulls and Steve slides towards him. Peter kicks him backwards, then rolls clear.) He also said to go for your legs. (As Steve runs to get his shield, Peter webs his hands and pulls. Steve grits his teeth, spins and somersaults, propelling Peter through the air.) [Sam Wilson] (Evading fire from Iron Man.) Clint, can you get him off me? [Clint Barton] Buckled in? [Scott Lang] Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm good, Arrow Guy. Let's go. Let's go! (Miniaturized Scott is on the tip of Clint's arrow. As he fires it, the head splits and Iron Man shoots the shards. Scott dives between Iron Man's splayed fingers and slips inside the Iron Man Suit at the shoulder joint.) [Steve Rogers] (Steve catches a web and tugs Peter towards him, knocking him down with the shield. Peter recovers and pulls himself up on top of a gangway.) Stark tell you anything else? [Peter Parker] That you're wrong. You think you're right. That makes you dangerous. (He swings down and Steve leaps to kick him backwards onto the gangway's leg.) [Steve Rogers] Guess he had a point. (He throws his shield at the leg and the gangway falls. Peter holds it up.) You got heart, kid. Where're you from? [Peter Parker] Queens. [Steve Rogers] Brooklyn. (Steve leaves Peter holding the gangway.) [Tony Stark] (Clint fires arrows at hovering Iron Man whose arm-lasers malfunction.) Friday? [FRIDAY] We have some weapon systems offline. [Tony Stark] They what? [Scott Lang] Oh, you're gonna have to take this into the shop. [Tony Stark] Who's speaking? [Scott Lang] It's your conscience. We don't talk a lot these days. [Tony Stark] Friday? [FRIDAY] Deploying fire suppression system. [Scott Lang] Uh -oh. Oh boy. Whoa! (Inside the suit Scott sprints through narrow banks of components, chased by a rolling cloud of CO2. He's ejected from the suit.) [Bucky Barnes] (To Steve.) We gotta go. That guy's probably in Siberia by now. [Steve Rogers] We gotta draw out the flyers. I'll take Vision. You get to the jet. [Sam Wilson] No, you get to the jet! Both of you! (Being chased by War Machine.) The rest of us aren't getting out of here. [Clint Barton] As much as I hate to admit it, if we're gonna win this one, some of us might have to lose it. [Sam Wilson] This isn't the real fight, Steve. [Steve Rogers] Alright, Sam, what's the play? [Sam Wilson] We need a diversion, something big. [Scott Lang] I got something kind of big, but I can't hold it very long. On my signal, run like hell. And if I tear myself in half . . . don't come back for me. [Bucky Barnes] He's gonna tear himself in half? [Steve Rogers] You're sure about this, Scott? [Scott Lang] I do it all the time. I mean once . . . in a lab. Then I passed out. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. I'm the BOSS! (He leaps from mobile stairs and lands on War Machine's back as he flies past. He operates his suit's wrist, shuts his eyes and activates a remote. Scott grows into a towering Behemoth and grabs War Machine's leg.) [Peter Parker] Holy shit! [James Rhodes] Okay, tiny dude is big now. He's big now. [Steve Rogers] I guess that's the signal. [Sam Wilson] Way to go, Tic Tac! [Tony Stark] Give me back my Rhodey. (Sam flies feet first into Iron Man.) [Peter Parker] I got him! (Scott sends War Machine flying and Peter catches him with a web.) (Scott kicks a bus towards T'Challa. Vision descends and braces himself, splitting the bus in two and protecting T'Challa from harm. T'Challa spots Steve and Bucky sprinting past. Chasing Sam Iron Man evades Scott swinging the wing of a plane at him.) [Tony Stark] Okay, anybody on our side hiding any shocking and fantastic abilities they'd like to disclose, I'm open to suggestion. (Sam arrows towards Iron Man, firing Red Wing which cracks into Tony's helmet. Scott blocks T'Challa's path.) [Scott Lang] You wanna get to them… you gotta go through me. (He sweeps his gigantic foot through the crates T'Challa's standing on, smashing them to pieces. Scott is engulfed in explosions as War Machine swoops towards him with Peter clinging to a web stuck to War Machine's back. He fires more webs and wraps them around Scott's over-sized arms.) (Clint fires arrows at T'Challa who catches two right in front of his face. After the arrowheads explode he drops them and rises extending his claws.) [Clint Barton] We haven't met yet. (He flattens his bow and spins it around.) I'm Clint. [T'Challa] I don't care. (Wielding the bow like a staff Clint attacks T'Challa who a acrobatically ducks then counters with a high kick.) (Giant Ant-Man punches War Machine in the air and swings a gangway towards him as he recovers. War Machine opens fire and the gangway disintegrates. Scott tries to stamp on War Machine who dives clear evading a lunge of Scott's hand. War Machine is struck by something.) [James Rhodes] Ahhh! (Wanda waves her hands flinging vehicles into War Machines path.) [Scott Lang] Get off. (Distracted by Peter Ant-Man doesn't spot Vision curling into a ball and ramming into him. Vision spots Steve and Bucky approaching the hangar as Ant-Man wavers. He simply floats through Ant-Man's chest. Something just flew in me! (Vision fires a shining beam of energy from his mind stone and the control tower collapses towards the entrance of the hangar. Wanda struggles to slow its collapse. Then War Machine descends behind her fires a sonic disruptor. Wanda holds her head and screams. The tower falls all around Steve and Bucky, but they make it into the hangar where Natasha is waiting for them.) [Natasha Romanoff] You're not gonna stop. [Steve Rogers] You know I can't. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm gonna regret this. (She stuns T'Challa who's arrived behind them.) Go. (Steve and Bucky run for the Quinjet as she keeps T'Challa at bay.) [Peter Parker] (Outside) Hey, guys, you ever see that really old movie, Empire Strikes Back? [James Rhodes] Jesus, Tony, how old is this guy? [Tony Stark] I don't know, I didn't carbon-date him. He's on the young side. [Peter Parker] (He swings towards Ant-Man.) You know that part . . . where they're on the snow planet . . . with the walking thingies? (He wraps webs around Scott's legs.) [Tony Stark] Maybe the kid's on to something. [James Rhodes] High now, Tony. Go high. [Peter Parker] (He swings around and around Ant-Man's legs as Iron Man and War Machine power towards his head, both landing blows together.) YES! Ha ha! That was awesome! (Giant Ant-Man topples. A flailing limb catching Peter and knocking him flying just before Scott slams into the ground on his back. He returns to normal size and removes the face-plate of his helmet, grimacing.) [Scott Lang] Does anyone have any orange slices? [Tony Stark] (He lands by Peter who's in a heap. Retracting the helmet Tony looks concerned.) Kid, you alright? [Peter Parker] Hey! Get off me! [Tony Stark] Same side. Guess who. Hi. It's me. [Peter Parker] Oh. Hey, man. [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Peter Parker] That was scary. [Tony Stark] Yeah. You're done. Alright? [Peter Parker] What? [Tony Stark] You did a good job. Stay down. [Peter Parker] No, I'm good. I'm fine. [Tony Stark] Stay down. [Peter Parker] No, it's good I gotta get him back! [Tony Stark] You're going home or I'll call Aunt May! You're done! [Peter Parker] Wait. Mr. Stark, wait! I'm not done, I'm not . . . (He slumps down.) Okay, I'm done. I'm done. [Natasha Romanoff] (In the partially wrecked hangar the Quinjet's engines fire and the guns blast debris from the entrance. Natasha keeps T'Challa held until the jet rises. Black Panther leaps, but can't keep hold and the Quinjet flies out of the hangar. War Machine flies after it. In the hangar:) I said I'd help you find him, not catch him. There's a difference. [Vision] (Outside Vision kneels beside Wanda and gently holds her in his arms. She pants for breath.) I'm sorry. [Wanda Maximoff] Me, too. [Vision] It's as I said. Catastrophe. (Piloting the Quinjet, Steve looks over his shoulder and spots War Machine encroaching to the right. Steve pushes forward on the thrusters. Iron Man flies beside War Machine and Falcon follows them.) [James Rhodes] Vision, I got a bandit on my six. (Falcon fires small explosives which erupt and buffet War Machine.) Vision! You copy? Target his thrusters, turn him into a glider. (Vision takes aim and fires his head laser. Falcon spots it coming and tucks into a tumble. The laser overshoots and slices through the core on War Machines chest plate. War Machine loses power and goes into a spinning free fall.) [Tony Stark] Rhodey! (Iron Man and Falcon dive.) [James Rhodes] Tony, I'm flying dead stick. (As he plunges the suit emits black smoke. Iron Man swoops down towards him. Rhodes' eyes start to close.) [Tony Stark] RHODES! (Mar Machine smacks into a wide, grassy field just before Iron Man lands nearby. His helmet retracts and he pulls off War Machine's face plate. Rhodes' eyes are closed and there's blood on his face.) Read vitals. [FRIDAY] Heartbeat detected. Emergency medical is on its way. [Sam Wilson] (He swoops down and lands on his feet. His wings retract.) I'm sorry. (Tony zaps Falcon backwards with a blast of energy from the palm of his suit. Vision glides to the ground just in front of Falcon. Stony faced Tony remains with his arms around War Machine.) (Somewhere in Siberia, Zemo makes a phone call.) [German Innkeeper] Guten Morgen, Zimmerservice? (Good morning. Room service.) [Helmut Zemo] Guten Morgen Frau Leiber. Zimmer 201 hier (Good morning, Mrs. Leiber. (subtitled) This is room 201.) [German Innkeeper] Ah, Herr Müller. Speck und schwarzer Kaffee für Sie, ja? (Ah, Mr. Müller. (subtitled) Bacon and black coffee again today?) [Helmut Zemo] Wie gut Sie mich kennen. ((subtitled) You know me so well.) (In his room in Berlin, Germany.) [German Innkeeper] Hallo? Ihr Frühstück ist hier. Darf ich mich reinlassen? Herr Müller? Herr Müller? Oh mein Gott! ((subtitled) Hello? Your breakfast is here. May I let myself in? Mr Müller? Mr Müller? Oh God!) (She comes in and discovers the dead body of Dr. Theo Broussard in the bathtub.) (Steve flies the Quinjet towards mountains, Bucky sits behind him.) [Bucky Barnes] What's gonna happen to your friends? [Steve Rogers] (Steve stares ahead, heavyhearted. He sighs and shakes his head.) Whatever it is… I'll deal with it. [Bucky Barnes] (He looks thoughtful.) I don't know if I'm worth all this, Steve. [Steve Rogers] (He glances around at Bucky.) What you did all those years . . . it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice. [Bucky Barnes] I know. But I did it. (At a hospital Rhodes lies inside an CT-scanner. He's in a blue gown covering his body. Tony paces up to Vision who watches Rhodes grave faced.) [Tony Stark] How did this happen? [Vision] I became distracted. [Tony Stark] I didn't think that was possible. [Vision] Neither did I. (Tony leaves Vision looking in on Rhodes. Along the corridor Tony spots an equally concerned Natasha.) (Tony and Natasha stand on a balcony looking towards a row of trees.) [Tony Stark] The doctors say he shattered L4 through S1. Extreme laceration in the spinal cord. Probably looking at some form of paralysis. [Natasha Romanoff] Steve's not gonna stop. If you don't either, Rhodey's gonna be the best case scenario. [Tony Stark] You let them go, Nat. [Natasha Romanoff] We played this wrong. [Tony Stark] 'We'? Boy, it must be hard to shake the whole double agent thing, huh? It sticks in the DNA. [Natasha Romanoff] Are you incapable of letting go of your ego for one goddamn second? [Tony Stark] T'Challa told Ross what you did, so . . . they're coming for you. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm not the one that needs to watch their back. (She walks away.) [Tony Stark] (He activates holographic images appearing on his wrist device.) What am I looking at, Friday? [FRIDAY] Priority upload from Berlin police. [Tony Stark] Fire up the chopper. (Tony flies over a stormy sea in the chopper. He looks surveillance images on a tablet computer.) [FRIDAY] The Task Force called for a psychiatrist as soon as Barnes was captured. The UN dispatched Dr. Theo Broussard from Geneva within the hour. He was met by this man. [Tony Stark] Did you run facial recognition yet? [FRIDAY] What do I look like? [Tony Stark] Uh, I don't know. I've been picturing a red head. [FRIDAY] You must be thinking of someone else. [Tony Stark] Must be. [FRIDAY] The fake doctor is actually Colonel Helmut Zemo, Sokovian Intelligence. (Tony projects the image.) Zemo ran Echo Skorpion, a Sokovian covert kill squad. [Tony Stark] So, what happened to the real Broussard? [FRIDAY] He was found dead in a Berlin hotel room. Where police also found a wig and facial prosthesis approximating the appearance of one James Buchanan Barnes. [Tony Stark] Son of a bitch. Get this to Ross. [FRIDAY] Yes, Boss. (A wide and flat, snow covered landscape. A mountain looms on the horizon. A caterpillar truck stops on the windswept mountain plateau. Zemo gets out of the vehicle. Set on rocks is an entrance with huge, rusted double doors. Zemo hacks away at the wall beside the doors. he uncovers a control panel and keys in a code whilst referring to the red book. The huge, curved double doors break open a crack. Zemo pulls them open wider. He shines a flash light and pulls down the hood of his coat. [Inside is a vast, gloomy space cramped with shelves stacked with filing boxes. Zemo moves a ladder along and searches the boxes. he climbs up the ladder and removes a filing box labeled] 'декабря 1991' (December 1991). Zemo walks along a tunnel which opens into a cavernous chamber with a high ceiling. He carries a VHS cassette and a flash light. Standing around the chamber a five large, clear sided capsules. They glow a gold yellow inside. Frowning Zemo walks up to one of the capsules and shines his flash light inside. In the capsule, motionless in a state of suspended animation is the enhanced soldier Josef.) (Tony flies the shopper low over the broiling sea. He operates the chopper with a touch screen computer in a wall panel.) [Guard] (on radio) This is the Raft Prison Control. You're clear for landing, Mr. Stark. (The sea swells and surges as Raft Prison rises up from beneath. A huge, fortified, circular structure with small lights around the sides. Two semi-circular doors open up in the flat circular top. The chopper lands on a helipad and the doors close above it. Tony, who's left arm is in a sling walks up to Secretary Ross.) [Tony Stark] So? You got the files? Let's reroute the satellites, start facial scanning for this Zemo guy. [Secretary Ross] You seriously think I'm gonna listen to you after that fiasco in Leipzig? You're lucky you're not in one of these cells. (Ross looks at Tony sternly and leads on through a thick, steel security door. Soldiers stand guard in an operations room. Tony looks at a surveillance screen. it shows Wanda, sitting hunched and bedraggled in a cramped prison cell.) (Another security door opens. Tony walks into a chamber surrounded by large, bared windows. Beyond the windows are a number of prison cells. Tony takes in his surroundings.) [Clint Barton] (clapping) The Futurist, gentlemen! The Futurist is here! He sees all! He knows what's best for you, whether your like it or not. [Tony Stark] Give me a break, Barton. I had no idea they'll put you here. Come on. [Clint Barton] (spits) Yeah, well, you knew they'd put us somewhere, Tony. [Tony Stark] Yeah, but not some super-max floating ocean pokey. You know, this place is for maniacs. This is a place for . . . [Clint Barton] Criminals? (He stands up.) Criminals, Tony. Think that's the word you're looking for. (He eyes Tony through the bars.) Right? That didn't used to mean me. Or Sam, or Wanda. But here we are. [Tony Stark] Because you broke the law. [Clint Barton] Yeah. [Tony Stark] I didn't make you. [Clint Barton] La, la, la, la, la . . . [Tony Stark] You read it, you broke it. [Clint Barton] La, la, la, la la… [Tony Stark] Alright, you're all grown up, you got a wife and kids. I don't understand, why didn't you think about them before you chose the wrong side? (He walks away.) [Clint Barton] You gotta watch your back with this guy. There's a chance he's gonna break it. [Scott Lang] Hank Pym always said, you never can trust a Stark. [Tony Stark] Who are you? [Scott Lang] Come on, man. [Sam Wilson] How's Rhodes? [Tony Stark] They're flying him to Columbia Medical tomorrow. So . . . fingers cross. (Sam shakes his head.)What do you need? They feed you yet? [Sam Wilson] (He raises his eyebrows.) You're the good cop now? [Tony Stark] I'm just the guy who needs to know where Steve went. [Sam Wilson] Well, you better go get a bad cop, because you're gonna have to go Mark Fuhrman on my ass to get information out of me. [Tony Stark] Oh, I just knocked the 'A' out of their 'AV'. We got about 30 seconds before they realize it's not their equipment. [Secretary Ross] (In the operations room.) What did you do? Get it back up! [Tony Stark] (Back in the cell.) Just look. Because that is the fellow who was supposed to interrogate Barnes. (He shoes a holographic image of Doctor Broussard.) Clearly, I made a mistake. Sam, I was wrong. [Sam Wilson] That's a first. [Tony Stark] Cap is definitely off the reservation but he's about to need all the help he can get. We don't know each other very well. You don't have to… [Sam Wilson] Hey, it's alright. (Tony leans closer to the window. Sam sighs and looks uneasy.) Look, I'll tell you… but you have to go alone and as a friend. [Tony Stark] Easy. (Tony walks to his chopper.) [Secretary Ross] Stark? Did he give you anything on Rogers? [Tony Stark] Nope. Told me to go to hell. I'm going back to the compound instead, but you can call me anytime. I'll put you on hold, I like to watch the line blink. (Ross stares at Tony who smiles as he gets in the chopper and the door slides shut. The chopper rises off the helipad and flies away. The doors close on the prison roof.) (Sitting in the chopper Tony un-clips the sling holding his left arm. He cradles his arm in his hand for a moment. He slowly reaches out the injured arm and presses a button on a panel. The Iron Man Suit wraps itself around Tony, a hatch opens and he flies out of the chopper as Iron Man. He speeds through dark clouds. Close behind T'Challa is at the controls of a Quinjet.) (Steve brings his Quinjet into land besides Zemo's caterpillar truck on the remote icy mountain top. The jet's wings fold up beside the fuselage. On board Bucky pulls out rack of guns labeled 'Romanoff'. He takes a light machine gun. Bucky and Steve stand together, waiting for the exit ramp to descend.) [Steve Rogers] You remember that time we had to ride back from Rockaway Beach in the back of that freezer truck? [Bucky Barnes] Was that the time we used our train money to buy hot dogs? [Steve Rogers] You blew three bucks trying to win that stuffed bear for a redhead. [Bucky Barnes] What was her name again? [Steve Rogers] Dolores. You called her Doll. [Bucky Barnes] She's gotta be a hundred years old right now. [Steve Rogers] So are we, pal. (He clamps his hand on Bucky's shoulder.) (Now wearing his helmet Steve walks with Bucky up to the entrance set in rock. The door is still open.) [Steve Rogers] He can't have been here more than a few hours. [Bucky Barnes] Long enough to wake them up. (Steve leads them into the cast bunker. They travel down into the depths inside a caged elevator. it stops in the bowls of the bunker, doors slide open. Steve nods to Bucky and heaves up the cage door. Bucky readies his heavy duty machine gun and they walk along a corridor, keeping close to a wall. Bucky looks into an alcove full of junk then he and Steve move on up some stairs. At the sound of a loud thud they spin around, aiming down the corridor.) [Steve Rogers] You ready? [Bucky Barnes] Yeah. (Double doors part, forced open by Iron Man. Steve stares in surprise. Tony walks towards Steve and Bucky and retracts the suit's helmet.) [Tony Stark] You seem a little defensive. (Bucky keeps his gun up while Steve walks to meet Tony with his shield covering his body.) [Steve Rogers] It's been a long day. [Tony Stark] At ease, Soldier. I'm not currently after you. [Steve Rogers] Then why are you here? [Tony Stark] Could be your story's not so crazy. Maybe. Ross has no idea I'm here. I'd like to keep it that way. Otherwise, I gotta arrest myself. [Steve Rogers] Well, that sounds like a lot of paperwork. (He lowers his shield.) It's good to see you, Tony. [Tony Stark] You too, Cap. (to Bucky) Hey, Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. There's a truce here. You can drop . . . (Steve signs Bucky to lower his weapon and he does.) (the three of them cautiously walk along a corridor. T'Challa in his Black Panther Suit is hiding around a corner, watching them.) (With his helmet and face plate reengaged Iron Man leads Steve and Bucky towards the enormous chamber with the capsules standing in it.) [Tony Stark] I got heat signatures. [Steve Rogers] How many? [Tony Stark] Uh, one. (As they enter the vast chamber the lights come on. Hazy, yellow mist descends within the capsules. As well as Josef, each one contains an enhanced soldier from the 1991 experiment. Steve and the others look around, bewildered.) [Helmut Zemo] (on speaker) If it's any comfort, they died in their sleep. (All of the enhanced soldiers have been shot in the head. Bucky stares at Josef's corpse.) Did you really think I wanted more of you? [Bucky Barnes] What the hell? [Helmut Zemo] I'm grateful to them, though. They brought you here. (Zemo appears in a control room. Steve hurls his shield but it flies back.) Please, Captain. The Soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets. [Tony Stark] I'm betting I could beat that. [Helmut Zemo] Oh, I'm sure you could, Mr. Stark. Given time. But then you'd never know why you came. [Steve Rogers] You killed innocent people in Vienna just to bring us here? (Black Panther watches from the shadows. Steve looks at Zemo through a window.) [Helmut Zemo] I thought about nothing else for over a year. I studied you. I followed you. But now that you're standing here, I just realized . . . there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes. How nice to find a flaw. [Steve Rogers] You're Sokovian. Is that what this is about? [Helmut Zemo] Sokovia was a failed state long before you blew it to hell. No. I'm here because I made a promise. [Steve Rogers] (He studies Zemo.) You lost someone? [Helmut Zemo] (He looks grave, clicks his tongue.) I lost everyone. And so will you. (He plays surveillance footage from December 16th 1991. Steve steps over to the screen.) An empire toppled by its enemies can rise again. But one which crumples from within? That's dead . . . forever. [Tony Stark] (He looks at the freeze frame of a secluded road and the date, December 16 1991. His eyes rove, anxiously.) I know that road. What is this? (The video plays. That car that the Winter Soldier forced off the road crashes into a tree. Tony watches intently as the Winter Soldier rides up and gets off his motorbike. Steve watches Tony's increasing unease. The driver lies on the ground beside the car. It's Tony's father, Howard. [Howard Stark] Help my wife. Please. Help. (The Winter Soldier walks over and hoists him up by his hair. He stares at Howard's bloody face. Howard stares back pleadingly.) [Howard Stark] Sergeant Barnes? [Maria Stark] Howard! (Tony glares at Bucky. In the video the Winter Soldier pounds Howard hard in the face with his metal fist.) [Maria Stark] Howard! (In grief Tony closes his eyes for a moment. On screen his father slumps dead. The Winter Soldier puts him in the driver's seat with his face against the steering wheel. Tony stares in horror. Maria's in the passenger seat with blood streaked down her face. The Winter Soldier walks around and grips her throat. Expressionless he strangles Maria. Tony watches the screen stunned. The Winter Soldier walks up and aims a gun at the surveillance camera. Steve watches Tony anxiously. Tony lunges towards Bucky, Steve stops him.) [Steve Rogers] Tony. Tony. [Tony Stark] (Consumed with grief and tears glistening in his eyes he turns and looks at Steve.) Did you know? [Steve Rogers] I didn't know it was him. [Tony Stark] Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know? [Steve Rogers] Yes. (Tony steps back, his chin jutting upwards twitchy. Tony reengages the Iron Man helmet. He punches Steve to the floor and deflects gunfire from Bucky, disarming him. he grabs Bucky and flies across the chamber. He slams him onto the floor, then jumps on his arms. Steve's shield hits Iron Man, distracting him. Steve barges him backwards, Iron Man shoulders him to the floor and shackles his ankles. Bucky punches Iron Man who just lifts him and slams him against a machine. Iron Man raises a fist but Bucky twists it. A rocket shoots out of Iron Man's arm, a fireball explodes. Steve slices his shackles as a towering structure of pipework collapses. Tony and Bucky are thrown down a level as twisted metal falls around them, showering sparks.) [Steve Rogers] (to Bucky) Get out of here! (As Bucky bolts Iron Man fires, but misses. Steve lands in front of him. Bucky hits a control panel and the silo-styled door overhead starts to open.) [Steve Rogers] It wasn't him, Tony. Hydra had control of his mind! [Tony Stark] Move! [Steve Rogers] It wasn't him! (Steve grabs Iron Man's ankle in mid air and smashes it. Iron Man blocks Steve by shooting down rubble, then falteringly flies up the tower.) [FRIDAY] Left boot jet failing. Flight systems compromised. [Tony Stark] Ah crap. (Above him Bucky leaps from platform to platform. With stuttering jets Iron Man gives chase, then kicks Bucky and takes aim, but the energy bold rebounds off Steve's shield onto himself. Iron Man drops like a stone and lands on a lower platform.) [Steve Rogers] He's not going to stop. Go. (As Iron Man soars upwards, Steve leaps and shoots a wire which wraps around Iron Man's neck and drags him back down. He deflects Steve's shield, then tries to target Bucky.) [Tony Stark] Come on, come on. [FRIDAY] Targeting system's knackered, boss. [Tony Stark] I'm eyeballing it. (His helmet retracts and he shuts one eye, taking aim at the opening hatch. He fires and hits the giant hinge which explodes, cutting of Bucky's escape route. He flies up, blocks two swings from an iron pipe from Bucky, then grabs him around the neck from behind.) Do you even remember them? [Bucky Barnes] I remember all of them. (Bucky pushes them both from the walkway, Steve jumps into them to deflect their fall. Bucky lands on a platform while Tony and Steve land on the concrete floor besides opening in the wall where snow drifts in from outside) [Steve Rogers] This isn't gonna change what happened. [Tony Stark] I don't care. He killed my mom. (They trade punches and Iron Man ends up pinning Steve down. Bucky picks up Captain America's shield and leaps down to help. As the two super soldiers fist fight with Iron Man the shield changes hands between them until Tony manages to zap Steve who is thrown back into the wall. Bucky struggles to hold Iron Man at bay as he unleashes an energy beam, then he forces Iron Man against the opposite wall and grips the glowing core in the chest of the Iron Man Suit. A blast of energy knocks Bucky down, metal arm completely blown away. Tony zaps him again. Steve rushes him with his shield up and Iron Man fires right at it) (Zemo is outside, listening to a phone message.) [Zemo's Wife] You should've seen his little face. Just try, okay? I'm going to bed. I love you. [T'Challa] (Sneaks up behind him) I almost kill the wrong man. [Helmut Zemo] Hardly an innocent one. [T'Challa] This is all you wanted? To see them rip each other apart. [Helmut Zemo] (Deletes the voice message) My father lived outside the city. I thought we would be safe there. My son was excited. He could see the Iron Man from the car window. I told my wife, "Don't worry. They are fighting in the city. We're miles from harm." When the dust cleared . . . and the screaming stopped. It took me two days until I found their bodies. My father . . . still holding my wife and son in his arms. And the Avengers? They went home. I knew I couldn't kill them. More powerful men than me have tried. But, if I could get them to kill each other . . . I'm sorry about your father. He seemed a good man. With a dutiful son. [T'Challa] Vengeance has consumed you. It's consuming them. (He blinks ruefully and retracts the claws in his gloves.) I am done letting it consume me. Justice will come soon enough. [Helmut Zemo] (Holding a gun Zemo smiles thinly.) Tell that to the dead. (He tries to shoot himself but T'Challa grabs him just as he fires.) [T'Challa] The living are not done with you yet. (Tony and Steve are still fighting in the silo.) [FRIDAY] You can't beat him hand to hand. [Tony Stark] Analyse his fight pattern. [FRIDAY] Scanning! (Iron Man's HUD flashes red as Steve lands blow after blow.) Countermeasures ready. [Tony Stark] (He grabs Captain America's shield.) Let's kick his ass. (He flings the shield away then zaps Steve backwards, head over heels. Steve rises and Tony blocks his punches then zaps him to his knees, right in front of Bucky who's lying on his back.) [Steve Rogers] He's my friend. [Tony Stark] So was I. (He punches Steve then throws him back towards the gaps in the wall.) Stay down. Final warning. [Steve Rogers] (He struggles to his feet, his face bloody and his gate weary. He raises his fists and stares Iron Man down.) I can do this all day. (Iron man raises his left palm ready to fire. Bucky grabs his leg and Tony spins, kicking him in the face. Steve grabs Iron Man and lifts him over his head, then throws him down, punches him and bashes his mask off with his shield before striking down hard on the suit's core.Tony looks horrified and glowers fearfully at Steve who pants for breath. Both have blood spattered across their faces. Steve looks back at Tony then shuts his eyes and slumps down. The shield remains upright, stuck upright in the center of the Iron Man Suit. When Steve struggles up again he takes hold of the shield, gripping the edge and pulling it free. He steps away from Tony who rolls painfully onto his side. Bucky lies bloodied but conscious, Steve reaches out and pulls him to his feet, holding him up as Tony looks on.) [Tony Stark] That shield doesn't belong to you. (Steve turns his back.) You don't deserve it. My father made that shield! (Steve stops, raises his chin, then drops the shield and walks away with Bucky's arm around his shoulder.) (In a secure chamber at the Berlin UN bunker Zemo's contained in a prison pod, his ankles cuffed to his seat. Everett Ross enters the chamber.) [Everett Ross] Meals at eight and five. Toilet privileges twice a day. Raise your voice, zap. Touch the glass, zap. You step out of line, you deal with me. Please, step out of line. Hmm? (Zemo just stares.) So how does it feel? To spend all that time, all that effort . . . and, to see it fail so spectacularly? [Helmut Zemo] (He looks up to meet Everett's gaze.) Did it? (Back at Avengers HQ, Tony is with Rhodes as he tentatively walks beside parallel bars with tech on his legs.) [Tony Stark] It's just the first pass. [James Rhodes] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Give me some feedback. Anything you can think of. Shock absorption. Lateral movement. Cup holder? [James Rhodes] You may wanna think about some AC down in . . . (He falls onto his hands.) [Tony Stark] Let's go. I'll give you a hand. [James Rhodes] No, no, don't. Don't help me. Don't help me. (He rises to his hands and knees, turns to sit on the floor beside Tony.) 138. 138 combat missions. That's how many I've flown, Tony. Every one of them could've been my last, but I flew 'em. Because the fight needed to be fought. It's the same with these Accords. I signed because it was the right thing to do. And, yeah, this sucks. This is . . . this is a bad beat. But it hasn't change my mind. I don't think. (He gives a crooked smile and takes Tony's hand.) [Tony Stark] You okay? [James Rhodes] Oh yeah. [FedEx Driver Stan Lee] (Knocks on the window with a packet in his hand.) Are you Tony "Stank"? [James Rhodes] Yes, this is--this is Tony "Stank". You're in the right place. Thank you for that! I'm never dropping that, by the way. Table for one, Mr. "Stank". Please, by the bathroom. (Tony is alone, opens the package and finds an envelope and a phone inside.) [Steve Rogers] (letter to Stark) Tony, I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army. My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't. I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry. Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should . . . (As Steve reads his letter off screen it's indicated that he breaks his team out of the Raft.) [FRIDAY] Priority call from Secretary Ross. There's been a breach at the Raft prison. [Tony Stark] Yeah, put him through. [Secretary Ross] Tony, we have a problem. [Tony Stark] Ah, please hold. [Secretary Ross] No. Don't . . . [Steve Rogers] (letter to Stark) So, no matter what. I promise you, if you need us, if you need me, I'll be there. (Wakanda, medical facility.) [Steve Rogers] You sure about this? [Bucky Barnes] I can't trust my own mind. So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I think going back under is the best thing . . . for everybody. (He goes back into cryo.) (Steve stands staring through a window, T'Challa walks towards him.) [Steve Rogers] Thank you for this. [T'Challa] Your friend and my father, they were both victims. If I can help one of them find peace… [Steve Rogers] You know, If they find out he's here . . . they'll come for him. [T'Challa] Let them try. (In Peter's room on Queens. May speaks to him from somewhere in the apartment.) [May Parker] So. Who was it? Who hit you? [Peter Parker] Some guy. So itchy, man. God. (He fiddles with a wrist band.) [May Parker] What's "some guy's" name? [Peter Parker] Uh, Steve. [May Parker] Steve? From 12-C? With the overbite? [Peter Parker] No, no, no. You don't know him, he's from Brooklyn. (Peter's wrist band emits a red beam which he hides when his aunt comes into the room.) Ouch. [May Parker] Well . . . I hope you got a few good licks in. [Peter Parker] Yeah, I got quite a few in, actually. His friend was huge. Like huge. (May gives him ice in a towel.) That's way better. Thank you. [May Parker] Okay, tough guy. (She smiles broadly then leaves the room.) [Peter Parker] Love you, May. Hey, can you shut the door? (He shines the red beam onto his bedroom ceiling and grins looking up at a glowing image of Spider-Man's mask.) (the final screen text shows 'Spider-Man will return') (End of Captain America: Civil War)

{"title": "Captain America: Civil War"}

marvel/pdunton

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 Written by James Gunn Marvel Studios All rights reserved. Copyright © 2015 Marvel Studios, Inc. No portion of this script may be performed, published, reproduced, sold or distributed by any means, or quoted or published in any medium, including any website, without the prior written consent of Marvel Studios, Inc. Disposal of this script copy does alter any of the restrictions set forth above. © Marvel BLACK: O.S. “BRANDY” by LOOKING GLASS PLAYS. EXT. FORD COBRA MUSTANG - DAY [SUPER] MISSOURI EARTH 1980 [OVERHEAD SHOT] A ‘79 Cobra winds alongside the Missouri River, past swaying loosestrife, vibrant sugar maples, and oily self-pump gas stations. A hazy sun glints off the hood of the Cobra which, like its descendant the Milano, is orange and teal. We MOVE DOWN AND IN on a fresh-faced girl of 18 in the [passenger seat] MEREDITH QUILL. As “Brandy” blasts from the car stereo, she pushes her fine, feathered hair from her mouth, and sings along, out-of-tune - MEREDITH Do do do do do do do do do do do! The driver, a MYSTERIOUS MAN in his 30’s, dressed in sleek, mod attire, LAUGHS. Meredith LAUGHS too. She SINGS and dances with abandon in her seat. She’s a lively goofball, and it’s apparent where Peter Quill received much of his personality. EXT. DAIRY QUEEN/WOODS - MOMENTS LATER The Cobra pulls beside this Dairy Queen in a desolate area. EXT. WOODS BEHIND DAIRY QUEEN - MOMENTS LATER The Mysterious Man helps Meredith down the steep hillside into the woods. “Brandy” continues to play on the car stereo in the lot behind them. Meredith GIGGLES. MYSTERIOUS MAN This way, my river lily. MEREDITH Where are you taking me? The Mysterious Man shows her a STRANGE SPROUT nestled amongst the trees. A few inches tall and decidedly alien in nature, its delicate limbs twist and turn in a complex pattern. © Marvel MEREDITH (CONT’D) Oh. It’s beautiful. The Mysterious Man looks proudly at Meredith. With a perpetually excited glint in his eye, and the air of a self- empowerment guru, he is an intoxicating presence. MYSTERIOUS MAN I was afraid it wouldn’t take to the soil, but it rooted quickly. He nods toward the sky between the branches above. MYSTERIOUS MAN (CONT’D) Soon it will be everywhere - all across the universe, fulfilling life’s one true purpose. MEREDITH Which is what? MYSTERIOUS MAN Expansion. The Mysterious Man takes her in his arms. He gazes into her eyes. She grows almost teary. MEREDITH I’m not sure what you’re talking about. But I like the way you say it. MYSTERIOUS MAN My heart is yours, Meredith Quill. MEREDITH I can’t believe I fell in love with a spaceman. And they KISS, with passion, and love. “DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO!” sings Looking Glass as SOURCE BECOMES SCORE and we TILT DOWN to the plant. It TWITCHES AND GROWS AND TWISTS. We PUSH IN ON IT, where we see the plant is made, not only of cellulose and leaves, but of a BRIGHT COSMIC LIGHT. And we KEEPING PUSHING IN, INTO THE PLANT ITSELF, more FLESH-LIKE than you’d imagine, where COLORFUL BACTERIA OVERCOMES US as “BRANDY” DISTORTS AND TRANSFORMS into something epic. O.S. A CRACK OF INTERDIMENSIONAL THUNDER [SUPER] 34 Years Later 2 © Marvel EXT. THE SOVEREIGN - OUTER SPACE An artificial, golden planet, made of interlocking orbs, revolves around a blue sun. We PUSH IN on THUNDEROUS INTERDIMENSIONAL CRACKS on one small patch of planet. [SUPER] THE SOVEREIGN M49 5IOL339P21+H9LNI31 I/E. POWER STATION - DAY A DIMENSIONAL CRACK SNAPS in the sky overhead. PETER QUILL looks from it to an old MATTEL ELECTRONICS FOOTBALL GAME converted into a tracker. A RED DOT APPROACHES. QUILL Showtime, a-holes! It’ll be here any minute! GAMORA (O.S.) Which will be its loss. Quill turns toward GAMORA, loading a rifle. DRAX, ROCKET, and BABY GROOT also ready themselves for battle in this grand, open-air power station. Dozens of BATTERIES are couched in conductor towers encircling them. Quill, Gamora, and Rocket wear flying rigs. QUILL Is that a rifle? GAMORA You don’t know what a rifle is? QUILL I thought your thing was a sword. GAMORA We’ve been hired to stop an interdimensional beast from feeding on those batteries’ energy, and I’m going to stop it with a sword? QUILL (mumbling to himself) Don’t look at me like I’m stupid. You’re the one being all inconsistent. [A LOUDER, LARGER CRACK] something seems to be fighting its way through the sky. 3 © Marvel GAMORA Drax, why aren’t you wearing one of Rocket’s aero-rigs? DRAX It hurts. GAMORA Hurts? DRAX (muttering) I have sensitive nipples. Rocket, who is working on a pair of speakers wired to Quill’s Walkman, LAUGHS HARD at this. Drax points at him. DRAX (CONT’D) What about him?! What’s he doing?! ROCKET If I finish this, we can listen to tunes while we work. DRAX How is that a priority? ROCKET Blame Quill! He’s the one who loves music so much! QUILL I agree with Drax. It’s hardly important right now. ROCKET Oh, sure, okayyyy, Quill. Rocket WINKS at him. QUILL No, I really agree with him. ROCKET Sure, I know. Rocket WINKS some more. DRAX I can clearly see you winking. ROCKET Damn. I’m using my left eye? 4 © Marvel Rocket hears a small GROWL. He looks down and sees Baby Groot - newly unpotted, only nine inches tall or so - angrily THROWING ASIDE some foraging Orloni. Then he looks up at Rocket, explaining: GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET They were not looking at you funny. AN EVEN LARGER CRACK! Rocket swirls as a GIGANTIC BEAST - a hundred-foot-long Lovecraftian monstrosity - BREAKS THROUGH THE INTERDIMENSIONAL RIFT. THE ABILISK is the color of a pinkie mouse with kaleidoscopic and deadly SPLATTER MATTER pulsing from its maw. ROCKET (CONT’D) Well. That’s intense. Rocket, Quill, and Gamora JET-PACK OUT OF THE WAY, while they BLAST at the creature. Drax HOLLERS, CHARGING it with his twin blades. Quill TURNS ON his mask. But we FOCUS on baby Groot, who trots up to the stereo speakers and Walkman. He fiddles with two wires. They SPARK, the stereo POWERS UP, and “MR. BLUE SKY” by ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA PLAYS as - THE CREDITS START Baby Groot DANCES IN-FOCUS in the foreground as the Guardians get PUMMELED by the beast OUT-OF-FOCUS in the background. Baby Groot’s dancing is arrhythmic and many of his “dance moves” are nonsensical mixtures of trembling, swaying, and making weird faces. But it is joyous. As Groot struts, Quill comes ROLLING behind him. As he stands, he sees Groot dancing and looks at him, worried. QUILL Groot, look - ! A TENTACLE FLIES IN FROM OFF-SCREEN, KNOCKING Quill OUT-OF- FRAME as Groot dances on, blissfully unaware. 5 © Marvel Groot, smiling, dances onward, as DRAX, in the clutches of a giant tentacle, is SLAMMED NUMEROUS TIMES BESIDE HIM. Groot arrives at GAMORA, who is blasting at the OFF-SCREEN BEAST. GAMORA Get out of the way, Groot! You’re going to get hurt! Groot stops dancing. He WAVES at her. GAMORA (CONT’D) Hi. She AERO-JETS back into the fray. As Groot DANCES, Drax FALLS directly behind him. Groot FREEZES. Drax stares at him a moment, suspicious. Groot stays frozen. Drax LEAVES, and Groot COMMENCES THE DANCE where he left off. Groot sees an INSECT FLYING BY. Suddenly dancing is forgotten and GETTING THIS BUG is all- important. He CHASES it. He HOPS up and grabs it from the air... And starts EATING it. Rocket spots this and FLIES DOWN beside him, worried. He PRIES OPEN GROOT’S MOUTH with his fingers, frantically trying to get it out. ROCKET Spit it out! Spit it out! Groot COUGHS IT OUT. The bug FLIES crookedly away, one wing mulched. Rocket JETS OFF back toward the battle, muttering: ROCKET (CONT’D) Disgusting. Groot sees something else and becomes furious. We follow his line of sight to a GRAZING ORLONI. 6 © Marvel Groot SCREAMS A WAR CRY and ATTACKS IT. He GROWS HIS BRANCHES AROUND IT, and the terrified Orloni DARTS AWAY, DRAGGING GROOT WITH IT. Groot’s anger becomes panic as he is DRAGGED AROUND BY THE ORLONI and can’t let go. The Orloni DARTS around the power station and underneath the RAGING BATTLE, a CRYING Groot bouncing along behind it. Finally, he LETS GO and goes TUMBLING, ROLLING directly INTO THE CAMERA. And then stands up and, as if none of it happened at all, starts DANCING AGAIN. We PAN and see the speakers and Walkman beside him, and we realize Baby Groot has traveled around the entire Power Station and has arrived back where he started - When Drax is FLUNG by the beast into the stereo system, SMASHING it. Groot stops dancing. Angry that Drax has ruined his fun, he picks up a piece of the stereo and beats him with it. CREDITS END. Drax stands and glares at the ferocious beast as Rocket, Quill, and Gamora BLAST at it without effect. DRAX The beast’s hide is too thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside. GAMORA Huh? Drax HOLLERS, CHARGING the creature. GAMORA (CONT’D) Drax, no! That doesn’t make - The creature OPENS ITS ENORMOUS MOUTH, SCREECHING, and Drax LEAPS INSIDE IT, instantly swallowed up. QUILL What is he doing?! GAMORA He said the skin is too thick to be pierced from the outside, so he -- 7 © Marvel QUILL That doesn’t make sense! GAMORA I tried to tell -- ! QUILL Its skin is the same thickness from the inside as from the out! GAMORA I REALIZE THAT. INT. BEAST’S STOMACH - DOESN’T MATTER Drax HOLLERS as he SLASHES AWAY inside the goo of the beast’s stomach. To no avail. I/E. POWER STATION - DAY Quill reloads his pistol, thinking. QUILL Gamora, there’s a cut on its neck - Rocket, get it to look up. Quill and Rocket JET UP HIGH up over the creature as they BLAST REPEATEDLY at it. QUILL (CONT’D) Hey, you giant Sea Monkey, up here! Gamora’s rifle is jammed. She tosses it down. PULLS HER SWORD. SNAPS IT OPEN. The beast SCREECHES at Quill and Rocket FLYING overhead. The colorful SPLATTER MATTER FLIES FROM ITS MOUTH, BATTERING ROCKET, BURNING his clothes. But its neck is exposed, where the skin is thinner, and there is a small wound. Gamora DASHES, LEAPING HIGH into the air, and she PLUNGES her sword directly into the wound. She holds tight to the hilt as she FALLS, SLICING AN INCISION down the length of the creature’s neck. The beast WOBBLES, TOPPLES, and DIES. As it COLLAPSES, Drax SPILLS OUT of the wound. He raises his arms in victory. DRAX Ha ha! I have single-handedly vanquished the beast! 8 © Marvel Quill SCOFFS. Rocket SNORTS. Gamora stares at him, dead-eyed. Baby Groot throws a rock at him. DRAX (CONT’D) What? I/E. POWER STATION - MOMENTS LATER The Guardians de-rig by the Anulax batteries. DRAX What are they called again? QUILL Anulax batteries. DRAX Harbulary batteries. QUILL That’s nothing like what I just said. But they’re worth thousands of units a piece. Which is why the Sovereign hired us to protect them. Rocket pulls out one of the ANULAX BATTERIES, checking it out. Gamora, Drax, and Quill walk on. Rocket stays back a moment. Quill nods down the walkway, where GOLDEN SOVEREIGN CITIZENS stand at the edge of the station, gawking. QUILL (CONT’D) Just be careful what you say around these folks. They’re easily offended and the cost of transgression is death. DRAX Sounds judgmental for a bunch of golden morons. QUILL That’s the kind of thing you might want to keep to yourself. GAMORA I’ll hold my tongue, as long as they deliver what was promised. EXT. LAIR OF THE HIGH PRIESTESS - MORNING An enormous golden palace in the shape of a globe, dappled by morning sunlight. 9 © Marvel AYESHA (O.S.) We thank you, Guardians, for putting your life on the line. We could not risk the lives of our own Sovereign citizens. INT. LAIR OF THE HIGH PRIESTESS - DAY HIGH PRIESTESS AYESHA is stunningly beautiful with golden skin. Her CHAMBERMAIDS and other DENIZENS flutter throughout her luxurious lair, all of whom are equally perfect. AYESHA Every citizen is born exactly as designed by the community, impeccable, both physically and mentally. We control the DNA of our progeny, germinating them in birthing pods. QUILL I guess I prefer making people the old-fashioned way. AYESHA Well... perhaps someday you could give me a history lesson in the archaic ways of our ancestors... for academic purposes. QUILL Yeah, I mean, if it’s for research that could be pretty -- Quill sees Gamora staring at him. QUILL (CONT’D) Pretty repulsive. I’m not into that kind of casual - GAMORA Oh, please. (to Ayesha) Your people promised something in trade for our services. Bring it and we shall gladly be on our way. Ayesha nods. Two SOLDIERS emerge with A WOMAN in a hood and cloak, her wrists bound by SHACKLES. They SHOVE HER TO HER KNEES and yank back her hood, REVEALING -- 10 © Marvel NEBULA. Her clothes are tattered. Her hand is now just a low- tech metal claw. She glares at Gamora. Gamora glares at her. Quill looks from one to the other, feeling the tension. QUILL (quietly) Family reunion. Yaaaay. AYESHA I understand she is your sister? Gamora roughly picks Nebula up, starts to go. GAMORA She’s worth no more to me than the bounty due for her on Xandar. AYESHA Our soldiers apprehended her attempting to steal the batteries. Do with her as you please. QUILL Thank you, High Priestess Ayesha. Quill starts to go. AYESHA What is your heritage, Mr. Quill? Quill turns back towards her, uncomfortable with the question. QUILL My mother is from earth. AYESHA And your father? QUILL He’s... not from Missouri, that’s all I know. Ayesha stares at him as if she’s eaten something foul. AYESHA I see it within you, an unorthodox genealogy. A hybrid that seems particularly... reckless. Quill tries not to let this affect him, but it does. Rocket grins a huge, fake grin at Ayesha. 11 © Marvel ROCKET You know, they told me you people were conceited douchebags. But that isn’t true at all. Rocket turns to Quill and WINKS. The Guardians shift uncomfortably. ROCKET (CONT’D) Oh, shit, I’m using my wrong eye again, aren’t I? (to Ayesha) I’m sorry. That was meant to be behind your back. Drax YANKS Rocket away. Gamora and Quill head out of the lair. Drax and Rocket are a few paces behind. DRAX Count yourself blessed they didn’t kill you. ROCKET You’re telling me. You wanna buy some batteries? Rocket grins and shows Drax something hidden in his bag - TWO ANULAX BATTERIES. “LAKE SHORE DRIVE” by ALIOTTA, HAYNES, AND JEREMIAH PLAYS. Drax LAUGHS. Rocket SHUSHES him so Quill and Gamora don’t hear. EXT. SOVEREIGN SPACE DOCK/THE MILANO - MOMENTS LATER The Milano RISES into the blue sunset over the Sovereign Space Dock filled with golden, capsule-shaped ships. Rocket works the controls as they rise up. He speaks into the comm: ROCKET Let’s get baldy back to Xandar and retrieve that bounty! INT. MILANO LOWER FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Groot lies on the rear window peering out the back as they pass overhead. 12 © Marvel On the CASSETTE PLAYER AWESOME MIX VOL. 2 is playing; we PAN away from it, MOVING IN on Quill, looking perturbed as he takes off his jacket. Gamora is nearby, putting shackles on Nebula. GAMORA You all right? QUILL That stuff about my father. Who does she think she is? GAMORA I know you’re sensitive about that. QUILL I’m not sensitive about it. I just don’t know who he is. Gamora nods. QUILL (CONT’D) Sorry if it looked like I was flirting with her. I wasn’t. GAMORA I don’t care if you were. Gamora pushes Nebula to the rear of the craft. QUILL I think you do care. That’s why I’m apologizing. Quill watches her go, somewhat longingly. DRAX Gamora is not the one for you, Quill. Quill is startled to see Drax directly beside him. DRAX (CONT’D) There are two types of beings in the universe. Those who dance, and those who do not. QUILL Uh huh. DRAX I first met my beloved at a war rally. (MORE) 13 © Marvel Everyone in the village flailed about, dancing. Except one woman. My Ovette. I knew immediately she was the one. Quill nods, trying to be polite. DRAX (CONT’D) The most melodic song in the world could be playing, and she wouldn’t even tap her foot. She wouldn’t move a muscle. One might assume she was dead. QUILL Well, that is pretty hot, but-- DRAX It would make my nether regions engorge - QUILL All right, okay, fascinating, don’t need to hear it. I get your point, I’m a dancer and Gamora is not. Drax smiles kindly, clutches Quill’s shoulder. DRAX You just need to find a woman who is pathetic, like you. At the rear of the ship, Gamora roughly restrains Nebula. Nebula notices a bowl of fruit. NEBULA I am hungry. Hand me some of that yaro root. GAMORA No. It’s not ripe yet. And I hate you. NEBULA You hate me?! You left me there while you stole that stone for yourself. Yet here you stand, a hero, a Garden of the Galaxy! GAMORA A what? Nebula stares at her, confused. DRAX (CONT'D) 14 © Marvel GAMORA (CONT’D) ‘Guardians of the Galaxy.’ NEBULA Oh. GAMORA Why would we be ‘the Gardens of the Galaxy’? NEBULA I don’t know. I thought it was stupid. GAMORA Yeah, it would be. NEBULA It’s still wordy. GAMORA I wasn’t the one who thought of it. NEBULA Your name doesn’t matter. I’ll be free of these shackles soon enough, and I’ll kill you, I swear. GAMORA No. You’ll live out your days in a prison on Xandar, wishing you could. WARNING LIGHTS FLASH. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - MOMENTS LATER Gamora MOVES UP from the stairs. Rocket and Quill are in the pilot seats. Drax is moving up from the back. QUILL We got an armed Sovereign fleet, approaching from the rear. Gamora takes the center seat, sees a REARVIEW SCAN: Golden, capsule-shaped, Sovereign OMNICRAFT, with a video screen on front and a blaster on each side - getting closer. GAMORA Why would they do that?! 15 © Marvel DRAX Probably because Rocket stole some of their batteries. Quill and Gamora look at Rocket, astounded. Rocket gawks at Drax, betrayed. ROCKET Dude. DRAX Oh, right. He didn’t steal one of those. I don’t know why they’re after us. What a mystery this is. THE SOVEREIGN FIRE UPON THE MILANO. Quill does his best to evade their blasts. QUILL What were you thinking?! ROCKET Dude, it was really easy to steal. GAMORA That’s your defense? ROCKET Come on. You saw how that high- priestess talked down to us! I’m teaching her a lesson! QUILL Oh! I didn’t realize your motivation was altruism. A shame the Sovereign have mistaken your intentions and are trying to kill us. ROCKET Exactly. QUILL I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! ROCKET Oh no! You tricked me! You’re supposed to use a sarcastic voice! Now I look foolish! Drax points at Rocket and LAUGHS at him. 16 © Marvel QUILL SHUT UP, DRAX! You knew! You should have told us! Drax is aghast. He looks at Rocket. DRAX Did you tell him it was easy to steal? ROCKET Are you kidding me? DRAX What? ROCKET You never listen to anything! GAMORA None of you listens! Can we please just put the bickering on hold until after we survive the massive space battle?! Rocket glances at Quill, nodding back at Gamora. ROCKET Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. QUILL Do not try to bro down with me right now, dude. I will fricking punch you in your fricking face. ROCKET Real nice! Resorting to violence. QUILL More incoming! MORE SHIP FLY AT THEM from the front. ROCKET GOOD! I WANT TO KILL SOME GUYS! They twist and turn between the oncoming ships as ROCKET FIRES AT THEM, SCREAMING. They EXPLODE. On the front of the Sovereign ships is the VIDEO IMAGE OF A PILOT. 17 © Marvel SOVEREIGN PILOT (ON SHIP) Bloody hell! INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY The same SOVEREIGN PILOT sits in a REMOTE POD. On a SCREEN in front of her we see ROCKET FIRING. The SHIP IS HIT and the SCREEN GOES STATIC. The Pilot SHOUTS in anger, like a kid who lost at a video game. High Priestess Ayesha surveys from a walkway above; ROWS OF PODS containing PILOTS, all flying their Omnicraft remotely. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK GAMORA You’re not killing anyone. Those ships are all remotely piloted. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY A SOVEREIGN ADMIRAL is beside Ayesha. AYESHA What is the delay, Admiral? ADMIRAL High Priestess, if we destroy their craft, we risk destroying the batteries. They’re extraordinarily combustible and could, in turn, destroy the entire fleet. AYESHA We have thousands of batteries and thousands of ships. Our concern is their slight against our people. We hired them and they steal from us? It is heresy of the highest order. The Admiral speaks into his comm. ADMIRAL All command modules - A FRIGHTENED SOVEREIGN PILOT, on the outskirts of the battle, hears the Admiral in his headset. ADMIRAL (O.S.) (CONT’D) Fire with the intent to kill. 18 © Marvel A MEAN SOVEREIGN PILOT, FIRING at the Milano, smirks. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE THE MILANO’S WING IS STRUCK. The EMERGENCY SYSTEMS FLASH ON. QUILL What’s the closest habitable planet? Gamora dances her fingers over the UNIVERSAL NEURAL TELEPORTATION NETWORK, clicking through “jump points” until she finds one. GAMORA It’s called Berhert. QUILL How many jumps? GAMORA Only one. But the access point is 47 clicks away. And it’s through that Quantum Asteroid Field over there. Quill spots, to his side, a HUGE FIELD OF SMALL, GLOWING ASTEROIDS, SWIRLING IN RANDOM PATTERNS, DISAPPEARING OUT OF SPACE and EMERGING AGAIN a few feet or a few yards away. Quill ZOOMS SIDEWAYS toward the field. DRAX Quill, to make it through that, you’d have to be the greatest pilot in the universe. Quill smirks. QUILL Lucky for us - ROCKET I am. Rocket FLIPS the pilot controls between them so that he’s the one piloting the ship. Quill gapes at him. The Milano DIVES into the QUANTUM ASTEROID FIELD, SWOOPING in and around the SWIRLING ATOMIZED STONES, barely missing them. The Sovereign ships FOLLOW. They are not pilots on par with Rocket, so most of the ships are immediately PELTED WITH STONES AND DESTROYED. 19 © Marvel INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY One after another the SOVEREIGN PILOTS screens go blank, and they FALL BACK, angry and upset. PUSH IN on Ayesha, barely containing her fury. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Quill FLIPS the controls back, so he’s piloting again. ROCKET What are you doing?! QUILL I’ve been flying this rig since I was ten years old. ROCKET I was cybernetically engineered to pilot a spacecraft! Rocket FLIPS the controls back to him. QUILL You were cybernetically engineered to be a douchebag. Quill FLIPS the controls back to him. GAMORA Stop it! ROCKET Quill, later on tonight you’re gonna lay down in your bed and there’s gonna be something squishy in your pillowcase and you’re gonna be, like, ‘what’s this?’ and it’s gonna be because I put a turd in there. Rocket FLIPS the switch back. QUILL You put your turd in my bed, I shave you. ROCKET Oh it won’t be my turd, it will be Drax’s. Drax LAUGHS cheerfully. Gamora glances at him. He explains: 20 © Marvel DRAX I have famously huge turds. GAMORA We’re about to die, and this is what we’re discussing? DRAX They raise havoc with the pipes. That’s why I do all the plumbing. I take responsibility for my actions. Unlike some people... Drax eyes baby Groot. QUILL Groot, he’s right, you have to start aiming inside the box. Groot looks ashamed. Quill FLIPS the controls back. GAMORA Stop it. Rocket SWITCHES it back. Quill SWITCHES it back. They’re nearing the end of the Asteroid Field when both go to switch it at the same time and -- WHAM! A LARGE ASTEROID SMASHES THROUGH the stern of the Milano. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE A CHUNK OF THE REAR OF THE CRAFT DISAPPEARS. Nebula IS SUCKED toward the hole - but, fortunately, her arms are shackled to a post, so she doesn’t fly out. Her face and body cover with frost. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Everything FLIES AROUND THE SPACECRAFT, RUSHING THROUGH THE HOLE. Groot GOES FLYING, but Quill CATCHES HIM, and casually TOSSES him back to Drax -- So that he can punch in a code, causing - 21 © Marvel I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE A PROTECTIVE ENERGY SHIELD SLIDES UP in front of the hole. Nebula COLLAPSES to the floor. She yells upstairs -- NEBULA Idiots! I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Everyone catches their breath, relieved. ROCKET Well, that’s what you get when Quill flies. Gamora THROWS SOMETHING HARD at the back of Rocket’s head. ROCKET (CONT’D) Ow! GAMORA There’s still a Sovereign craft behind us! The electronics FLICKER. QUILL Our weapons are down! GAMORA Twenty clicks to the jump. The Mean Pilot BLASTS at them from the sole Sovereign Craft, TAKING OUT another part of a wing. The Milano is TREMBLING. Drax starts climbing down into the living area. QUILL Where’s he going? INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY A group of pilots have gathered around the Mean Pilot, rooting him on, like kids at a video arcade. FRIGHTENED PILOT Come on, Zylak, you can do this. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE Nebula sees the bowl of yaro root has spilled in front of her. 22 © Marvel She reaches for a piece, but it’s KICKED OUT OF HER WAY. She looks up to see Drax, grabbing a cable on a spool attached to the wall. DRAX It’s not ripe. Drax HOOKS the cable to his belt. A folder on the wall reads SPACESUITS FOR EMERGENCY and, below that, in Rocket’s scrawl: OR FOR FUN. Drax pulls a small disk from the folder. He slaps it between his shoulder blades and a SHIMMERY SHEATH COVERS HIS ENTIRE BODY - a thin force-field spacesuit. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Gamora watches THE MAP leading to the jump point. GAMORA Fifteen clicks. Another BLAST from the Sovereign craft HITS them. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY The pilots rooting on the Mean Pilot erupt into CHEERS. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE Drax grabs a huge rifle. He punches buttons on the wall. A SECOND PROTECTIVE SHIELD OPENS UP between him and Nebula, and THE FIRST PROTECTIVE SHEATH OPENS, exposing him to space -- INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY The Mean Pilot watches in awe as Drax JUMPS OUT the back of the Milano. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE Drax smiles. The cable UNSPOOLS and SNAPS TAUT when it reaches its end. Drax is DRAGGED HAPHAZARDLY by the Milano like a water sled on a boat. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE ON THE MAP, the jump point gets closer. 23 © Marvel GAMORA Ten clicks. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA - OUTER SPACE The Mean Pilot BLASTS WILDLY at Drax, missing him by mere inches. Drax brings the sight to his eye. Aims at the ship. DRAX Die, spaceship. And he SHOOTS, BLASTING the Sovereign ship. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY The Mean Pilot SCREAMS as his lights go out. The Frightened Pilot shakes his head in disgust. FRIGHTENED PILOT You suck, Zylak. Zylak is really sad. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE As Quill and Rocket leave the asteroid field, it seems for a moment they’re scot-free... GAMORA Five clicks! Then DOZENS OF OMNICRAFT pull around them on both sides. QUILL Son-of-a-! They went around the field! INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY Ayesha smiles. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE It looks like the end of the road for the Guardians when - THERE IS A BLINDING BURST OF LIGHT AND ALL OF THE OMNICRAFT EXPLODE. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY Ayesha watches in shock as the screens in the pods go dead. 24 © Marvel ADMIRAL Someone destroyed all the ships. AYESHA What?! WHO?! But the Admiral doesn’t know. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Rocket sees the BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT is emanating from an OVAL- SHAPED SPACECRAFT. ROCKET What is that?! Quill sees the FLICKERING framework of a JUMP POINT. QUILL Doesn’t matter! That’s the jump point! GO! GO! As they’re about to reach the jump point, Rocket sees a MAN standing casually atop the oval ship, LIGHT BURSTING THROUGH HIS BODY and into the craft - the source of the explosion. ROCKET It’s a guy. Quill doesn’t see as the Milano DISAPPEARS INTO THE JUMP POINT. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA/DIRECTLY ABOVE BERHERT - DAY The ship POPS IN HERE, TELEPORTING directly above the earth- like planet. Because the ship is in such bad shape, parts of it TEAR OFF AND SPIRAL AWAY as it enters this new atmosphere. I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Gamora sees Drax being dragged in the REARVIEW MONITOR. GAMORA Oh my God. I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA/DIRECTLY ABOVE BERHERT - DAY Drax WHIPS WILDLY OUT of the back of the ship. The CABLE SPOOL on the wall is coming off - I/E. MILANO FLIGHT DECK/BERHERT FOREST - DAY Quill sees a green forest APPROACHING UNBELIEVABLY FAST. 25 © Marvel He turns toward Gamora, but she’s gone. Instead Baby Groot is sitting alone, happily munching on candies as if he’s watching a movie. QUILL Groot, put on your seat belt! I/E. MILANO LIVING AREA/DIRECTLY ABOVE BERHERT - DAY The SPOOL DETACHES and FLIES toward the back, which would leave Drax in the upper reaches of the planet’s atmosphere - But Gamora has made it downstairs - she GRABS ONTO THE SPOOL with one hand while CLUTCHING onto a secure part of the ship with her other. As it SNAPS TIGHT, it nearly wrenches her apart. She GROANS. QUILL Prepare for a really bad - The Milano HITS THE TREES, BARRELING OVER THEM. They PART and FLATTEN and SWAT at the windshield. Out back, Gamora HOLDS TIGHT despite searing pain, as Drax BOUNCES VIOLENTLY off the trees. DRAX Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! And, eventually, the Milano comes to an ABRUPT STOP. [SUPER] BERHERT M20 22A4834126+306CA12 Drax pushes himself up in the dirt. He CHUCKLES. He glances back at Gamora like the madman he is. DRAX (CONT’D) That was awesome. Gamora nods, sure, yeah, okay, whatever, dude. I/E. CRASHED MILANO - CLEARING - MOMENTS LATER CRANE DOWN OVER THE SMOKING, BATTERED MILANO TO our heroes, and a still-shackled Nebula. GAMORA Either one of you could have gotten us through that field, if you had flown with what’s between your ears instead of what’s between your legs! 26 © Marvel QUILL If what’s between my legs had a hand on it, I guarantee I could have landed this ship. GAMORA It’s not funny, Peter. We almost died. Because of your arrogance. QUILL (re: Rocket) More like because he stoled Anulax batteries! DRAX They’re called Harbulary batteries. QUILL No, they’re not! ROCKET You know why I did it, Star-Munch? Quill fumes. ROCKET (CONT’D) Do you? QUILL I’m not going to answer to ‘Star- Munch.’ ROCKET I DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO. QUILL Dick. ROCKET What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships! DRAX How little? Rocket shows him with his finger and thumb. ROCKET Like this. GAMORA A little one-inch man saved us? 27 © Marvel ROCKET Well, if he got closer I’m sure he’d be much larger. QUILL That’s how eyes work, you stupid raccoon. ROCKET Don’t call me a raccoon! QUILL Oh, I’m sorry, I meant to say ‘trash panda.’ Rocket pauses, unsure, looks at Drax. ROCKET Is that better? DRAX I don’t know. QUILL It’s worse. ROCKET YOU SON-OF-A-!! Rocket LEAPS, SNAPPING at Quill, when Nebula looks up into the sky. NEBULA Someone followed you through the jump point. A HUGE SPACESHIP HOVERS overhead. The Guardians COCK THEIR WEAPONS as they FALL BACK-TO-BACK in tight formation. NEBULA (CONT’D) Set me free. You’ll need my help. GAMORA I’m not a fool, Nebula. NEBULA You’re a fool if you deprive yourself a hand in combat. GAMORA You’ll attack me the moment I let you go. 28 © Marvel NEBULA (mumbly, unconvincing) No, I won’t. QUILL You’d think an evil supervillain would learn how to properly lie. DRAX I bet it’s the one-inch man!! The SHIP LANDS, CRUSHING ALL OF THE TREES AROUND IT. A HATCH OPENS, and an adventurous, outer space frontiersman steps forward. He has grown hardened and haggard over the years, but he is definitely the MYSTERIOUS MAN from the beginning of the film. MANTIS, a creepy woman with antennae, emerges behind him. The Man smiles. MYSTERIOUS MAN After all these years, I’ve found you. QUILL Who the hell are you? MYSTERIOUS MAN I figured my rugged good looks would make that obvious. My name’s Ego. And I’m your Dad, Peter. EXT. CONTRAXIA - OUTER SPACE QUIET. A planet of mostly water and white icy patches of land, revolving around two overlapping suns. [SUPER] CONTRAXIA M15 5127512731+X1955KX EXT. THE IRON LOTUS - DAY SNOW FALLS GENTLY over this sleepy, pastel-colored town of wood and stone buildings. PUSH IN on the Iron Lotus, a robot brothel and saloon. ASSORTED RAVAGERS, including KRAGLIN, as well as some ROBOTIC COURTESANS, are drunk and GIGGLING, trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues. 29 © Marvel INT. IRON LOTUS SUITE - DAY YONDU UDONTA is staring out the window as he puts on his pants. He looks utterly disconnected and alone. Behind him are three ROBOT COURTESANS. One pushes a button on her neck and she POWERS DOWN. TULLK (O.S.) Yondu! Come on down! Yondu looks down at the street where an older Ravager, TULLK, drunkenly dances, waving for him to join. INT. IRON LOTUS - MOMENTS LATER Yondu exits his suite. Two bodyguards, BRAHL and HALF-NUT, salute and follow him as he descends the stairwell. At the bottom of the stairs a group of RAVAGERS in BLUE UNIFORMS LAUGH. A gruff, older warrior, STAKAR, and a man seemingly made of diamonds, MARTINEX are among them. Yondu stops when he sees them. He’s struck. Stakar LAUGHS as he tells a story - STAKAR And I was like, Aleta, I love you, but you’re crazy now, you always been - Yondu approaches Stakar with trepidation. YONDU Stakar. Stakar is surprised to see him. YONDU (CONT’D) Been some time. I’d - STAKAR Seems like this establishment is the wrong kind of disreputable. The blue-coats turn and walk away. YONDU Stakar... Stakar glances at the PROPRIETOR as he passes her. 30 © Marvel STAKAR There are a hundred Ravager factions, Sneeper. You just lost the business of ninety-nine by serving one. PROPRIETOR Please, sir! Sir! Yondu stands there for a moment, hurt, as they head out the door. But, little by little, his hurt turns to rage and he FOLLOWS. EXT. IRON LOTUS - DAY Yondu trots quickly toward Stakar and the others. YONDU You all can go to hell! I don’t care what you think of me! Stakar swirls toward him, furious. STAKAR Then why you following us for?! YONDU ‘Cause you’ll listen to what I got to say! STAKAR I don’t got to listen to nothing! You betrayed the code! Ravagers don’t deal in kids! YONDU I didn’t know what was going on - STAKAR You didn’t know ‘cause you didn’t want to know, ‘cause it made you rich! YONDU I demand a seat at the table! I wear the flames same as you! STAKAR You may dress like a Ravager but you won’t hear no Horns of Freedom when you die, boy, and the Colors of Ogord will not flash over your grave! (MORE) 31 © Marvel You think I take some pleasure in exiling you, you’re wrong. You broke all our hearts. Stakar and the others storm away. Martinex stays a moment, staring at Yondu, and then moves on too. Yondu is left alone, shaken as the WHITE SNOW FALLS GENTLY on his blue face. NEARBY, a MONSTROUS RAVAGER leans in toward Kraglin, Tullk, GEF THE RAVAGER, OBLO, and RETCH. As he eyes Yondu, he WHISPERS: MONSTROUS RAVAGER First Quill betrays us and Yondu just lets him go, scot-free. Now he’s getting all riled over nothing. We followed him ‘cause he was the one wasn’t afraid to do what needed to be done. Seems like he’s going soft. KRAGLIN If he’s so soft why you whispering for? MONSTROUS RAVAGER You know I’m right, Kraglin. TULLK You best watch what you say about the Cap’n, Tay - RETCH Who the hell is that?! Tullk stops when he sees High Priestess Ayesha approaching beside them. The Chambermaids ROLL OUT a LONG BLUE CLOTH so she doesn’t touch unconsecrated ground. She STOPS at the carpet’s end. Does her best to force a smile. AYESHA Yondu Udonta, I have a proposition for you. Yondu looks at her. EGO (PRE-LAP) When your mother passed away, I hired Yondu to pick you up. STAKAR (CONT'D) 32 © Marvel EXT. CAMPFIRE/CRASHED MILANO - NIGHT Quill sits around a campfire with Ego, Mantis and the others, eating. Ego indulges heartily. EGO (CONT’D) I would have done so myself, but I was in the midst of an outlandish adventure at the time, battling demonic forces to save this dimension or some such nonsense - I can’t quite recall, it all bleeds together after awhile. But instead of returning you, Yondu kept you. I have no clue as to why. QUILL Because I was a skinny kid who could squeeze into places adults couldn’t, making thieving easier. EGO I’ve been trying to track you down ever since. DRAX I thought Yondu was your father. QUILL What? Drax stares at him. QUILL (CONT’D) We’ve been together all this time and you thought Yondu was my actual, blood relative? DRAX You look exactly alike. ROCKET One’s blue. QUILL He wasn’t my father. Yondu was the guy who abducted me. He’d beat the crap out of me so I’d learn how to fight and he kept me in terror threatening to eat me. EGO Eat you?! 33 © Marvel QUILL Yes. EGO That son-of-a-bitch. GAMORA How’d you locate us now? EGO Even where I reside, out past the edge of what’s known, we’ve heard tell of the man they call Star- Lord. He stands, handing his dish to Gamora. EGO (CONT’D) Say we head out that way now? Your associates are welcome, even that triangle-faced monkey there. Rocket, self-conscious, feels his nose. EGO (CONT’D) I promise you, it’s like no place you’ve ever seen. And there I can explain your very special heritage, and finally be the father I’ve always wanted to be. (almost teary) ‘Scuse me. I gotta take a whizz. Ego leaves. Quill looks at Gamora. QUILL Not buying it. GAMORA Peter, we need to take a walk. EXT. CAMPFIRE/CRASHED MILANO - NIGHT Ego is WHISTLING “BRANDY” and PEEING into the bushes. Mantis looks at Drax. She GRINS, or at least her best attempt at grinning. It’s kind of creepy. MANTIS I am Mantis. DRAX What are you doing? 34 © Marvel MANTIS Smiling. I hear it is the thing to do to make people like you. DRAX Not if you do it like that. MANTIS Oh. I was raised alone on Ego’s planet. I do not understand the intricacies of social interaction. She points at Rocket. MANTIS (CONT’D) Can I pet your puppy? It is adorable. DRAX (mischievous) Yes... [She goes to pet Rocket] startled, he SWIRLS and SNAPS at her. MANTIS AHH! She pulls back her hand. Drax LAUGHS, heartily. DRAX That’s called a practical joke! She GIGGLES. MANTIS I liked it very much! They both LAUGH together. Nebula shakes her head with disbelief. EXT. BESIDE CRASHED MILANO - MOMENTS LATER Quill and Gamora enter this private spot; the campfire flickers through the trees beyond them. QUILL Give me a break! After all this time, and he just expects to be my Dad all of the sudden! GAMORA I hear you. 35 © Marvel QUILL I mean, this could be a trap - the Kree purists, the Ravagers, now the Sovereign - they all want us dead. GAMORA I know, but - QUILL But what? GAMORA What was that story you told me about Zardu Hasselfrau? QUILL Who? GAMORA The wonderful television-singer man. He had a magic boat. QUILL David Hasselhoff? GAMORA Right. QUILL He had a talking car, not a magic - GAMORA Why did it talk again? QUILL Just to be a good friend, I guess. GAMORA And as a child you carried his picture in your pocket, and you told the other children he was your father, but he was out of town -- QUILL (embarrassed) Shooting Knight Rider or touring with his band in Germany. Why are you bringing this up now? I was drunk when I told you that. GAMORA I love that story. 36 © Marvel QUILL I don’t. It’s just sad! I was so sad because I’d see the other kids off playing catch with their dads, and I wanted that, more than anything in the world. Gamora takes Quill’s hands in her own. GAMORA My point is, maybe this man is your Hasselhoff. I know it’s a long shot. But I lost my father as a child. I’d give anything... Quill nods, grudgingly. GAMORA (CONT’D) If he ends up being evil, we’ll just kill him. Quill CHUCKLES. GAMORA (CONT’D) What’s funny? I/E. CRASHED MILANO - SUNRISE Inside the ship, “THE CHAIN” BY FLEETWOOD MAC PLAYS on the cassette player. Nebula is angry. NEBULA You’re leaving me with that fox?! Rocket is SOLDERING the ship. GAMORA He’s not a fox. Gamora glances at Rocket as she grabs her outer-space- adventurer version of luggage. GAMORA (CONT’D) Shoot her if she does anything suspicious. Or if you feel like it. Rocket GRUNTS. Gamora looks at a sad Baby Groot. GAMORA (CONT’D) It will just be a couple days. We’ll be back before Rocket’s finished fixing the ship. 37 © Marvel Gamora steps out. Rocket sees Groot, who is ABOUT TO CRY as he watches them go. Drax and Quill come from the back of the ship. DRAX What about your spool of songs? QUILL I have clones. DRAX What if the Sovereign come? QUILL There’s no way for them to know they’re here. DRAX I am uncertain about parting ways. QUILL You’re like an old woman. DRAX Because I am wise? Quill turns to Rocket as Drax and Gamora head toward the ship. He starts to say something nice - perhaps something conciliatory but -- ROCKET Hope daddy isn’t as big of a dick as you, orphan boy. Quill just shakes his head and SNICKERS. QUILL So what’s your goal here? To get everyone to hate you? ‘Cause it’s working. Quill turns back around with Gamora and Drax and walks away. Rocket looks at the others leaving as THE SONG BECOMES SCORE: I can still hear you saying you will never break the chain. Rocket watches them move away. IN SLOW-MOTION, Quill, Drax, and Gamora approach the oval ship. The slit opens. Ego, with Mantis, is waiting inside. Ego smiles and CLASPS his hand on Quill as he enters. 38 © Marvel INT. EGOS SHIP. SUNRISE Quill sits back against the wall, alone, nervous. He looks across the way at a SLEEP CHAMBER, where Mantis helps Ego lie down on a slab. [She places her hand on his forehead with her hand] her antennae ALIGHT. And he drifts off to sleep. Quill takes a small, folded piece of paper out of his pocket. It’s the PHOTO OF DAVID HASSELHOFF. He looks at it, then looks at Ego. Quill’s eyes fill with cautious hope. And the SONG ENDS. EXT. BERHERT - MOMENTS LATER Ego’s ship rises, blocking out the sun. EXT. EGO’S SHIP - OUTER SPACE The Orb moves through a rainbowish funnel of space and time; technology beyond what even the Guardians know. INT. EGO’S SHIP - OUTER SPACE Quill and Drax are drinking tea and LAUGHING with Mantis. QUILL Can I ask you a personal question? MANTIS Oh, no one has ever asked me a personal question! QUILL The antennae, what are they for? MANTIS Their purpose? Gamora ENTERS, pouring herself some tea. DRAX Yes, Quill and I have a bet. QUILL You’re not supposed to say that. 39 © Marvel DRAX I say that if you are about to go through a doorway that is too low, your antennae will feel this, and stop you from being decapitated. QUILL Just making clear - if it’s anything else - any other answer - I win? Gamora smiles, warmed by the good-natured, by-now-familiar bickering between Quill and Drax. MANTIS They are not for feeling doorways. DRAX (bummed) Damn. I just lost my entire life’s savings. QUILL Three pairs of pants. MANTIS I think they have something to do with my empathic abilities. GAMORA What are - ? MANTIS If I touch someone I can feel their feelings - QUILL You read minds? MANTIS No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions. She looks at Quill. MANTIS (CONT’D) May I? Quill doesn’t stop her. Mantis, cautiously, touches him. Her hand quivers as his emotions shoot through her and her antennae ALIGHT. She is moved. MANTIS (CONT’D) You feel love. 40 © Marvel QUILL Yeah, I guess, yeah, I have sort of a general, unselfish love for everyone. MANTIS No, romantic, sexual love. QUILL No. No, I don’t. Mantis nods at Gamora. MANTIS For her. QUILL No. Gamora is embarrassed. Drax starts LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY. DRAX She just told everyone your deepest, darkest secret, Quill! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! QUILL What the hell, dude? That’s a total overreaction. Drax SLAPS HIS CHEST. DRAX DO ME! DO ME! Mantis touches Drax. She grins brightly. MANTIS I have never felt such humor! She starts GIGGLING and before long both she and Drax are LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. QUILL You got to be kidding me. Drax and Mantis both point at Quill, clutching onto each other and FALLING OVER WITH LAUGHTER. Quill’s humiliated. QUILL (CONT’D) That’s so incredibly uncool. Mantis wipes the tears from her eyes, composing herself. She goes to touch Gamora, who grabs her wrist though her clothes. 41 © Marvel GAMORA Touch me. And the only thing you’re going to feel is a broken jaw. Mantis smiles, nods, backs away. MANTIS I can also alter emotions, to some extent. QUILL Like what? MANTIS If I touch someone who is sad I can ease them into contentment, for a short while. I can make a stubborn person compliant. But I mostly use it to help my Master sleep. He lies awake at night, thinking about his progeny. Quill looks at her, struck by this. DRAX Do one of those on me! Mantis touches him. He grins expectantly. MANTIS Sleep. Drax COLLAPSES, INSTANTLY ASLEEP. Mantis smiles at the others, hoping she has pleased. Quill and Gamora look at Drax, SNORING. They’re surprised. GAMORA Is that real? QUILL It’s kind of like someone put a baby’s head on a big, muscular body, isn’t it? FADE TO BLACK. O.S. ALIEN INSECTS CHIRP EXT. CRASHED MILANO - NIGHT Four moons shine over the forest. The campfire CRACKLES beside the Milano, and “SOUTHERN NIGHTS” BY GLENN CAMPBELL emerges from the cassette player within. 42 © Marvel The Monstrous Ravager and Kraglin lead a group of Ravagers up over a ravine. Dozens of M-Ships quietly lower behind them. Kraglin nods toward the sounds of Glenn Campbell in the distance. They raise their weapons. [OVERHEAD SHOT] dozens and dozens of Ravagers come from different directions, surrounding the Milano. One Ravager cluster, lead by Half-Nut, CREEPS close enough to the Milano that they see the lights within the vehicle and can hear Rocket inside HUMMING along to the song. Half-Nut licks his lips in anticipation, closing in for the kill, when he steps on a small pedal. It CLICKS. A HUNDRED DARTS FLY AT THE GROUP from traps set in trees. They STICK INTO THE RAVAGERS’ BODIES, knocking them instantly unconscious. As one Ravager FALLS, a GUNSHOT is discharged. INT. CRASHED MILANO - NIGHT Nebula is awakened by the SHOT. She sees a frightened Groot, peering through a hole at the bodies falling. PULL BACK TO REVEAL, beside him, a futuristic walkie-talkie with ROCKET’S HUMS emerging. EXT. CRASHED MILANO - PERCUSSIVE BOMB TRAP - NIGHT Rocket is crouched on a limb in shadows above the Milano, smiling and HUMMING to “Southern Nights” into his comm. He spots A LARGER GROUP OF RAVAGERS APPROACHING THE MILANO from the other side, led by Retch. Rocket LEAPS TOWARD THEM, from one tree limb to another like a squirrel. The GROUP enters a clearing close to the ship. A TALL RAVAGER looks up and spots Rocket LEAPING OVER THEIR HEADS. TALL RAVAGER There! The Ravagers BLAST at Rocket, following him. He HOPS from tree to tree as BULLETS WHIZZ PAST HIM, leading them right where he wants them. He stops in a tree at the end of the run. He holds a device with two buttons. He presses one of them. A PERCUSSIVE BOMB at the feet of the Ravagers BURSTS, sending half of them FLYING UP into the air. 43 © Marvel As the confused group on the ground watches, Rocket presses the second button and a second BOMB BURSTS. They FLY UP INTO THE AIR as well. Rocket SNICKERS, as he continues pushes the buttons and the two groups of Ravagers FLY UP and DOWN until the bombs are depleted of energy. Retch looks up from the ground, to see the little animal hopping away in the tree limbs overhead. EXT. CRASHED MILANO - STICKY DISK TRAP - NIGHT An EVEN LARGER GROUP OF RAVAGERS walk beneath the branches, MOONLIGHT FLICKERING ON THEIR FACES. TILT UP TO REVEAL ROCKET’S SILHOUETTE on a gnarled limb. He’s clutching an armful of small discs. He breathes shallowly, waits. As soon as the last Ravager is passing beneath him, he LEAPS onto his back. Rocket JUMPS FORWARD FROM ONE MAN TO THE NEXT, SLAPPING A STICKY-DISC to each of their heads - SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! And then he LEAPS from the Ravager at the front of the line BACK UP INTO THE TREES. The men are confused. They bring their fingers to the sticky discs on their bodies. Rocket smiles in the tree as he flicks a trigger. The STICKY- DISCS SEND ELECTRICITY COURSING THROUGH ALL OF THE MEN’S BODIES. They CONVULSE for a moment, then COLLAPSE. EXT. CRASHED MILANO - CLEARING - NIGHT Rocket LEAPS to the ground in a crouch. He sees Brahl approaching in front of him, and then another RAVAGER approaching from behind. They train their weapons on him. BRAHL Ain’t so tough now without all your toys, are you? Rocket LEAPS up onto Brahl’s face. He PUNCHES HIM IN THE THORAX so hard he can’t breathe. The other Ravager SHOOTS at him, but Rocket BACKFLIPS over the SHOT so Brahl is STRUCK instead. 44 © Marvel Rocket LANDS on the back of the shooter’s neck and RAPID-FIRE PUNCHES HIM in the head, until the man CRUMPLES to the ground, unconscious. As Rocket lands, he HEARS WHISTLING and he looks up to see -- YONDU’S ARROW FLYING THROUGH THE TREES, DIRECTLY TOWARD HIM. ROCKET Crap. Another high-pitched WHISTLE and the arrow STOPS ABRUPTLY, FLOATING with the tip almost grazing Rocket’s forehead. Yondu waltzes out of the trees with Tullk, Kraglin, the Monstrous Ravager, and many more. Rocket reluctantly raises his hands in surrender. YONDU Hey there, rat. ROCKET How’s it going, you blue idiot? YONDU Eh, not so bad. We got a pretty good gig. A golden gal with quite a high opinion of herself offered us a large sum to deliver you and your pals to her, so she can kill y’all. INT. CRASHED MILANO - NIGHT Nebula looks out the window to see even more Ravagers surrounding Rocket. She looks at baby Groot. NEBULA Your friend. There’s too many of them. They’re going to kill him. Groot looks as if he’s about to cry. NEBULA (CONT’D) He needs my help. If you care about him, you need to get me out of these bonds. Groot is unsure. 45 © Marvel EXT. CRASHED MILANO - CLEARING - NIGHT The Ravagers have entirely encircled Rocket. There’s no chance of escape. Though upset, he mostly holds it in. YONDU Pretty easy to find you, since we put a tracer on your ship back during the War over Xandar. ROCKET You give me your word you won’t hurt Groot, and I’ll tell you where the batteries are. YONDU Lucky for you my word don’t mean squat. Otherwise I’d actually hand you over. MONSTROUS RAVAGER Otherwise you’d what?! Yondu scowls at the Monstrous Ravager. YONDU We’ll take the batteries. They’re worth a a quarter mil on the open market - MONSTROUS RAVAGER That priestess offered us a million! A quarter is only one third of that! YONDU A quarter ain’t one-th - OBLO A quarter is four times a million! We’re in the money! GEF THE RAVAGER No, idiot. A quarter is twenty- five. YONDU No - GEF THE RAVAGER We can’t even buy a pair of boots with twenty-five units! 46 © Marvel YONDU The point is, we aren’t stupid enough to help kill the Guardians of the Galaxy. We’d have the whole Nova Corps on us. KRAGLIN (realizing) That ain’t right. I just gotta say it this one time, Cap’n. Everyone looks at Kraglin. KRAGLIN (CONT’D) No matter how many times Quill betrays you, you protect him, like none of the rest of us much matter. I’m the one what sticks up for you, me and Tullk. MONSTROUS RAVAGER Damn straight, lad. You’re right: he’s going soft. S’pose it’s time for a change in leadership! KRAGLIN Uh - The Monstrous Ravager points his weapon at Yondu. Others follow his lead. A handful of others, including Tullk and the Innocent Ravager, raise their weapons in their Captain’s defense, so that the whole circle are aiming at one another. Kraglin is confused. TULLK Put you damn guns down! Rocket is in the center of the potential crossfire. ROCKET Hold on! There’s got to be some sort of peaceful resolution here! Or even a violent resolution, where I’m standing over there. Yondu glares at the Monstrous Ravager. His FIN LIGHTS UP and he starts to WHISTLE when - A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT; THE FIN IS BLOWN OFF THE TOP OF YONDU’S HEAD. The arrow CLATTERS to the ground. 47 © Marvel Rocket watches as Yondu, confused, TOTTERS there for a moment, and then COLLAPSES -- REVEALING NEBULA behind him, clutching a smoking pistol. [Rocket looks at her, dead-eyed] really? She SHOOTS HIM WITH A BLAST OF ELECTRICITY, knocking him unconscious. The Ravagers gape at Nebula. NEBULA Well, hello, boys. She takes a bite from a piece of yaro root she stole from the Milano. As she chews, she becomes disgusted. She spits it out. NEBULA (CONT’D) It’s not ripe. EXT. RED PLANET - MOMENTS LATER Ego’s ship ARRIVES at a bold red planet, twisting in front of an enormous yellow sun, so close it seems like the sun is about to devour it. “MY SWEET LORD” BY GEORGE HARRISON PLAYS. [SUPER] EGO’S PLANET G52 22C848T12F+E16UC22 INT. EGO’S SHIP - SLEEP CHAMBER - OUTER SPACE Mantis sets her hand on Ego’s forehead, waking him. EXT. EGO’S PLANET/SPACEPORT - MOMENTS LATER Ego’s ship lands in a spaceport. It organically JOINS the spot where it lands - strands of material actually linking up with the landing pad itself. From the front of the craft, a FLOATING TRAM emerges, with Ego, Mantis, Quill, Gamora, and Drax. As the TRAM GLIDES toward its destination, the Guardians are overwhelmed by transcendentally splendid surroundings. The plant life is colorful and alien. Tall, twisting obelisks seem to have no function other than beauty itself. EGO Welcome, friends, to my world. QUILL Wow. You have your own planet? 48 © Marvel EGO But a trifle, no larger than your earth’s moon. DRAX Humility. I like it. I too, am extraordinarily humble. Even Gamora smiles at the wonder of it all. Multicolored mercurial clumps FLOAT BY. Drax pokes one, and it BURSTS INTO A DOZEN VIBRANT HUES. EXT. TRAM/PALACE - MOMENTS LATER Ahead of them looms an astounding palace atop a mountain. QUILL It’s beautiful. The tram STOPS. They step off it and toward the palace, Ego stops beside a large FOUNTAIN. EGO Peter, consider this a token of a father’s pride. Ego motions; the WATERS OF THE FOUNTAIN FALL AWAY, REVEALING [a GIANT STATUE OF STAR-LORD] Quill stands heroically, with foolish-looking Guardians kneeling around him worshipfully. EGO (CONT’D) A memorial to the War Over Xandar, when you single-handedly saved the galaxy. GAMORA Single-handedly? QUILL Whoa. It’s perfect. GAMORA You’ve got to be kidding. DRAX Why am I dead? Why did you all kill me?! GAMORA That’s Ronan. That’s you. 49 © Marvel Drax is sitting on Quill’s shoulder, with a raccoon tail. DRAX When was I that tiny? Gamora shakes her head in disbelief. They step past the statue and onto the steps approaching the palace. GAMORA You own a planet and can destroy two dozen spaceships without a suit. What are you, exactly? EGO I’m what they call a Celestial, sweetheart. The Guardians STOP behind him, astounded. QUILL A Celestial. Like a... god? EGO Small ‘g’, son. At least on the days I’m feeling humble as Drax. He LAUGHS and walks up the stairs. INT. PALACE - MOMENTS LATER Ego SAUNTERS with Quill, Gamora, Drax, and Mantis, through the enormous open doors, toward huge DIORAMAS lining either side of the palace, like cosmic Stations of the Cross. EGO This form you see before you is only an extension of who I truly am. I don’t know where I came from, exactly. [The DIORAMAS around them begin to ANIMATE] In the first, a FLICKERING BRAIN COMPOSED OF POLYCHROMATIC LIGHT FLOATS in space. EGO (CONT’D) The first thing I remember is flickering, adrift in the cosmos - utterly and entirely alone. The flickering brain pulls cosmic dust and rocks into itself, ingesting them, GROWING. 50 © Marvel EGO (CONT’D) I fed on the matter around me like plankton. I grew smarter and stronger. A hard metal shell forms around the brain, with channels running through for his energy to flow like rivers. EGO (CONT’D) I formed a sheathe to protect myself from the elements. Ego continues developing outward from the shell, growing the planet, then its beautiful landscapes and structures. EGO (CONT’D) And continued building from there, layer by layer, the very planet you walk on now. I built the spires reaching up to the sky and the tunnels burrowing into its depths. QUILL Wow. EGO But I was no ant to be fulfilled solely by labor. I wanted more. I desired... meaning. In the core shell - the Self Chamber - the flickering brain floats, alone, perhaps sad. EGO (CONT’D) There must be some life out there in the universe besides just me, I thought, and I set myself to task with finding it. The brain grows a SKELETAL FRAMEWORK OF LIGHT up from the self chamber and to the surface of the planet. He pulls molecules around this shape to create his “human” self. EGO (CONT’D) I created what I imagined biological life might be like, down to the most minute detail. DRAX Did you make a penis? QUILL Dude. 51 © Marvel DRAX If he’s a planet, how did he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her. QUILL I don’t need to hear about how my parents, you know - DRAX Why? My father would tell me the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice. QUILL That’s disgusting. DRAX It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups. EGO Yes, Drax, I’ve got a penis. QUILL Oh my God. EGO It’s not half bad. I’ve also got pain receptors, a digestive system, and all the accompanying junk. I wanted to experience what it truly meant to be human as I set out amongst the stars. In another DIORAMA, Ego explores various uninhabited and barren planets. EGO (CONT’D) I visited thousands of planets over thousands of years, one barren husk after the next until I found what I sought... Ego stares down at a CUTE ALIEN CHILD. EGO (CONT’D) Life. I was not alone in this universe after all. [Ego reminisces] wistful? Sad? It’s hard to tell. QUILL When did you meet my mother? 52 © Marvel EGO Not long after. Ego turns toward the last set of DIORAMAS. They show Meredith and Ego kissing and Ego with his hand on Meredith’s pregnant belly. EGO (CONT’D) It was with Meredith that I experienced love for the first time. I called her my river lily. And from that love, Peter, you. In the final DIORAMA we PUSH IN on the belly and see, inside the womb, VERY young Peter Quill, a fetus, himself encased in light. Quill looks up in amazement - this story is the story of himself. And Ego gazes at Quill with adoration. EGO (CONT’D) I searched for you for so long. When I heard a man from earth held an Infinity Stone in his hand without dying, I knew you must be the son of the woman I loved. Ego puts his hand on Quill. Quill wants to believe, but he can’t quite let it go. QUILL If you loved her why did you leave her? EXT. THE ECLECTOR - OUTER SPACE The Ravagers’ massive ship FLOATS in space. [SUPER] RAVAGER TERRITORY HE2 6SM6R16617+6241023 TULLK (O.S.) You can’t do this! INT. ECLECTOR CENTRAL AREA - OUTER SPACE Ravagers LAUGH as they DRAG Tullk across the floor while he STRUGGLES to get free. TULLK This is mutiny! Mutiny! They shove Tullk into a cylindrical room as a glass door CLOSES on him. 53 © Marvel He continues SCREAMING and SLAMMING ON THE GLASS, but we can barely hear him. Half-Nut smiles and presses a button. The outside of the compartment OPENS so that Tullk is SUCKED INTO SPACE. EXT. THE ECLECTOR - OUTER SPACE Tullk FLOATS AWAY, opening his mouth to scream, but he can’t. His FACE AND BODY SWELL QUICKLY and he EXPIRES there. As we CURL AROUND his lifeless body, we REVEAL the countless other CORPSES of Ravagers loyal to Yondu, leading like bread crumbs toward nothing at all. INT. ECLECTOR CENTRAL AREA - OUTER SPACE Yondu watches this, helplessly. He’s in a chair, his hands tied behind him. He’s a wreck, his headpiece destroyed, wires hanging from a gap in his head where the fin used to be. He sees the mutineers grab the innocent Oblo, DRAGGING HIM to the same fate as Tullk. OBLO Cap’n, help me! Cap’n?! Yondu drops his head in shame. MONSTROUS RAVAGER You’re the one what kilt those men by leading ‘em down the wrong path. He PUNCHES Yondu. MONSTROUS RAVAGER (CONT’D) Because you’re weak. He PUNCHES him again. MONSTROUS RAVAGER (CONT’D) And stupid. The Monstrous Ravager turns towards the Ravagers, who listen, rapt and vengeful. Nebula leans calmly against a wall, watching. Kraglin watches too, seemingly concerned. MONSTROUS RAVAGER (CONT’D) It’s time for the Ravagers to once again rise to glory with a new Cap’n... TASERFACE. The Ravagers SHOUT IN APPROVAL. Taserface throws his arms up in glory - when he hears SNICKERING. He stops. 54 © Marvel He and the other Ravagers turn and see Rocket, also in a chair with his arms secured behind him, GIGGLING. ROCKET I’m sorry. Your name is... it’s ‘Taserface’? TASERFACE That’s right. ROCKET Do you... shoot tasers out of your face? TASERFACE It’s metaphorical! ROCKET For what? Taserface thinks. Time for a new answer: TASERFACE It’s a name what strikes fear in anyone what hears it! ROCKET (doubtful) Really?... Okay, sure. Taserface screams at him, SPIT FLYING EVERYWHERE. TASERFACE You shut up! You’re next! Taserface goes back to Yondu, bringing out his blade. TASERFACE (CONT’D) Udonta, I been waiting to do this for a long ti - Again they hear SNICKERING. Rocket is burying his mouth in his chest, TRYING TO STOP FROM CRACKING UP. TASERFACE (CONT’D) What?! What?! ROCKET I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just keep imagining you waking up one morning, looking in the mirror, and, in all seriousness, saying ‘You know what would be a really kickass name? Taserface!’ 55 © Marvel Nebula smirks. The Ravagers are TRYING NOT TO LAUGH. Rocket can’t stop LAUGHING. ROCKET (CONT’D) What was your second choice?! Scrotum Hat?! The Ravagers all BUST OUT LAUGHING. TASERFACE New plan. We’re killing you first. Taserface SHOVES HIM BACK, ready to plunge the knife in him. Rocket’s smile disappears. He stares at Taserface with dead eyes. ROCKET Well, dying is certainly better than having to live an entire life as a moronic shitbag who thinks ‘Taserface’ is a cool name. Taserface goes to stab him, when - NEBULA That’s enough killing for today. Taserface turns toward her, irritated. TASERFACE Thought you were the biggest sadist in the galaxy. NEBULA That was when Daddy was paying my bills. The Priestess wants to kill the fox herself. And he - (re: Yondu) - has bounties on his head in at least twelve Kree provinces. Taserface glares at her. It’s obvious he’s considering attacking her. NEBULA (CONT’D) I assure you, I am not as easy a mark as an old man without his magic stick or a talking woodland beast. Taserface decides not to risk it. 56 © Marvel NEBULA (CONT’D) I want ten percent of the take, and a couple more things. INT. ECLECTOR DOCKING BAY HALL - LATER Nebula is TRYING OUT A BRAND NEW HAND as Kraglin leads her through this hall. KRAGLIN We got a whole box of hands if that one don’t work out. NEBULA It’s fine. KRAGLIN You think them Kree is gonna execute the Cap’n? NEBULA The Kree consider themselves merciful. It will be painless. Kraglin comes to an open doorway beside a huge DOCKING BAY, and an M-SHIP decked out with lots of weapons. KRAGLIN Well, there it is, best ship we got. The location of Ego’s planet’s in the nav. We’ll wire you the ten percent when we’s paid. What you gonna do with your share? Nebula stops at the doorway. NEBULA As a child my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in ‘training.’ Every time my sister prevailed my father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be her equal. But she won, again and again and again. Never once refraining. Because of them, I am this. So after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death. (MORE) 57 © Marvel I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart slowly, piece by piece, until he knows some semblance of the profound and unceasing pain I know every single day. Kraglin stares at her, weirded-out. KRAGLIN Yeah... I was talking about, like, a pretty necklace. Or a nice hat. Something that’ll make the other girls go ‘oooooo, that’s nice.’ Nebula gives him a look of pure death. KRAGLIN (CONT’D) Anyway, uh, happy trails. INT. PALACE COURTYARD - DAY Quill looks up at a GIANT SCULPTURE of his mother. He is upset. Ego is behind him, watching him, sadly. QUILL My mother told everyone my father was from the stars. Quill turns to look at his father, somewhat accusatory. QUILL (CONT’D) She had brain cancer - so everyone thought she was delusional. Ego looks sad, ashamed. EGO Peter - QUILL Listen. I’d love to believe all of this, I really would - but you left the most wonderful woman ever, to die alone! Ego has tears in his eyes. EGO I didn’t want to leave your mother, Peter. But if I don’t return regularly to this planet, and the light within, this form will wither and perish -- NEBULA (CONT'D) 58 © Marvel QUILL So why didn’t you come back?! Why’d you send Yondu, a criminal, of all people, to fetch me?! EGO I loved your mother, Peter! I couldn’t stand to set foot on an earth where she wasn’t living! You can’t imagine what that’s like! QUILL I know exactly what that’s like! I had to watch her die! Ego stops, seeming to hear his son. He touches him. EGO Over the millions and millions of years of my existence I have made many mistakes, Peter. But you’re not one of them. Please give me the chance to be the father she would want me to be. Quill looks at him, vulnerable. EGO (CONT’D) There are so many things I need to teach you. This planet, and the light within... they are a part of you. QUILL What do you mean? Ego takes Quill’s hands in his own, gently, putting them in the correct position. EGO Give me your hands, son. Here. Hold them like that. Quill holds his hands apart. Ego steps back, holding his hands in the same way. EGO (CONT’D) Now close your eyes and concentrate. Take your brain to the center of the planet. Quill concentrates. He holds his hand out. A white light emanates from it. 59 © Marvel EGO (CONT’D) Yes! Yes! QUILL Whoa. The light disappears as quickly as it came. EGO Yes, yes - it’s okay. Just relax. Concentrate. You can do it. Bring it back. Quill concentrates and the LIGHT, once again, bursts up from the palms of his hands. EGO (CONT’D) Yes, yes, now - shape it - Ego shows him, pulling in the molecules around him, so that the light itself forms into the shape of a ball. EGO (CONT’D) Feel the energy. Quill tries to pull molecules into the ball. And, little by little, they come, and the ball glows brighter. EGO (CONT’D) Yes. Quill laughs. Ego is JOYOUS. He almost looks as if he’s going to break down in tears. EGO (CONT’D) You’re home, Peter. Ego cups his hands. EGO (CONT’D) Here. Quill, smiling, THROWS him the ball. Ego LAUGHS. He inspects the cosmic ball of light, and he throws it back to Quill. Quill LAUGHS, catching it, and throws it back. Ego moves back further. And Ego and Quill continue tossing the ball back and forth there, LAUGHING, a friendly father and son game of catch in the middle of a palace courtyard. 60 © Marvel EXT. PALACE - DAY Drax and Mantis sit here, soaking in the sun and gazing at the lush, flowing hills, like something an alien Maxfield Parrish would paint. DRAX How did you get here? MANTIS Ego found me in my larva state, orphaned on my homeworld. He raised me by hand, and kept me as his own. DRAX So you’re a pet? MANTIS I suppose. DRAX People usually want cute pets. Why would Ego want a hideous one? MANTIS I am hideous? DRAX You’re horrifying to look at, yes. Mantis seems sad about this. Drax notice this, feels bad. DRAX (CONT’D) But it is a good thing. MANTIS Oh? DRAX When you are ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust. MANTIS Well, then I am certainly grateful to be ugly! (thinking) Poor Gamora. She can never trust anyone. Drax nods and stares out at spattered patches of water. 61 © Marvel DRAX Those pools remind me of a time I took my daughter to visit the Forgotten Lakes on my homeworld. She was like you. MANTIS Disgusting? DRAX Innocent. Drax stares out at them without expression. Slowly, Mantis TOUCHES his shoulder. And, as she does, TEARS INSTANTLY FLOW DOWN HER CHEEKS. She stares with Drax at the hills. They feel the sadness [together] she cries while he’s stoic. MANTIS I have never met anyone like you, or your friends. You are filled with such... love. It is a thing I did not know existed, not like this, and I think... I think it may be the very finest of all things. It both hurts and soothes the heart. She looks at Drax. There is something she wants to say, but she is torn. MANTIS (CONT’D) Drax, there is something I must tell - GAMORA (O.S.) What’s going on? Drax and Mantis turn to see her behind them. She smiles. MANTIS I am learning many things. Like I am a pet and ugly. GAMORA You’re not ugly. (admonishing) Drax. Drax, confused, points at Mantis, as if her ugliness proves itself. 62 © Marvel GAMORA (CONT’D) Mantis, can you show us where we’ll be staying? I’m getting eye-strain in this place. Mantis nods, yes. EXT. PATH TO SLEEPING QUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER Gamora, Drax, and Mantis walk across the sunset. GAMORA Why are there no other beings on this planet? MANTIS The planet IS Ego. A dog would not invite a flea to live on his back. GAMORA And you’re not a flea? MANTIS I’m a flea with a purpose. I help him sleep. Gamora curls around Mantis, cutting her off. GAMORA What were you about to say to Drax before I walked out? Mantis looks around, worried. MANTIS Nothing. [Gamora and Drax share a look] why is she so scared? Mantis moves on. MANTIS (CONT’D) Your quarters are this way. INT. ECLECTOR CELL - OUTER SPACE Rocket HITS THE GROUND, hard. Yondu LANDS equally hard on the ground beside him. They look up to see Taserface, Gef the Ravager and an OBTUSE RAVAGER locking the cell door. 63 © Marvel TASERFACE We’ll deliver you to the Kree in the morning. Neither one of you gonna last much longer after that. Rocket crawls toward them as they walk away. ROCKET Okay, Taserface. See you later, Taserface. Hey, Taserface, tell the other guys we said hi, Taserface! Taserface glances back, perturbed, as he disappears around the corner. INT. ECLECTOR HALLWAY - OUTER SPACE Taserface, Gef, and Obtuse come around the hall. GEF THE RAVAGER What about the little plant? Can I smash it with a rock? TASERFACE No, Gef! It’s too adorable to kill. Bring it to the tailor. INT. ECLECTOR CELL - OUTER SPACE Yondu and Rocket settle. Yondu looks like a beaten man. ROCKET No offense, but your employees are a bunch of jerks. YONDU I was a Kree battle-slave for twenty years when Stakar freed me. He offered me a place in the Ravagers. Said all I needed to do was adhere to the code. But I was young and greedy and stupid - like you stealing those batteries. ROCKET That was mostly Drax. YONDU Me and Stakar, and the other captains - we weren’t so different from you and your friends. The only family I ever had. But I broke the code. They exiled me. 64 © Marvel YONDU (CONT’D) These ones here are the ones who followed - of course they’re jerks. Which is what I deserve. ROCKET Slow down, drama queen. You might deserve this, but I don’t. We gotta get out of here. YONDU Where’s Quill? ROCKET Went off with his old man. YONDU Ego? Yondu looks concerned. Rocket stares at him, picking this up. ROCKET Yeah. It’s a day for dumbass names. Yondu SNICKERS. ROCKET (CONT’D) You smiled and for a second I got a warm feeling, but then it was ruined by those disgusting-ass teeth. Ever heard of floss? Yondu’s smile disappears. YONDU You’re like a professional asshole or - ? ROCKET Pretty much a pro. Why didn’t you deliver Quill to Ego like you promised? YONDU He was skinny, could fit into places we couldn’t. Good for thieving. Rocket nods, GRUMBLES. YONDU (CONT’D) I got an idea on how to get outta here. But we’re gonna need your little friend. 65 © Marvel INT. BAR/QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Baby Groot is wearing a tiny Ravager uniform. He reacts to clothes like a cat, struggling to take them off but unable. Ravagers are gathered around him, drunk and LAUGHING. They are CHANTING “MASCOT.” RETCH Lil’ feller’s all worked up! Needs a drank! Retch POURS ALCOHOL on him. The Ravagers LAUGH MORE as others POUR DRINKS on him as well. Groot SCREAMS at them, furious but helpless. RETCH (CONT’D) Lookit how cute it is when it’s all riled up! HALF-NUT It’s Goddang precious! INT. ECLECTOR CELL - LATER Groot, in shadows, MOPES down the hallway, looking traumatized. His clothes are torn and he’s soaked in alcohol. As he passes the cell, he hears - YONDU (O.S.) Hey, twig. C’mere. Groot sees Yondu and Rocket looking at him in the cell. He steps toward them. ROCKET Oh, man. What’d they do to you? YONDU Hey, you wanna help us get outta here? Groot NODS. Rocket looks unsure. Yondu speaks slowly. YONDU (CONT’D) There’s something I need you to get, and bring back to me. Groot NODS. YONDU (CONT’D) In the Cap’n’s quarters, there’s a prototype fin, like the thing I wore on my head. 66 © Marvel Groot NODS. YONDU (CONT’D) There’s a drawer next to the bunk. It’s inside that. It’s red. You got it? Groot NODS EMPHATICALLY and DARTS OFF to get it. Yondu looks at Rocket, pleased. Rocket looks more than a bit uncertain. INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER Baby Groot CREEPS into this dark room. DRUNKEN RAVAGERS are sprawled everywhere. He spots a bureau. A drawer is half open. His face lights up. MOMENTS LATER Baby Groot stands outside of the cell, beaming, holding A PAIR OF SHORTS. YONDU That’s my underwears. ROCKET Yeah, I was pretty sure he didn’t know what you were talking about. You have to explain it more careful. YONDU All right. It’s a prototype fin - MOMENTS LATER Groot is back in front of the cell, holding a wriggling ORLONI in his hands. ROCKET That’s an orloni. It’s a fin, Groot. YONDU You explain it this time. Rocket starts to speak - 67 © Marvel MOMENTS LATER Groot looks hopeful, holding out a CYBERNETIC EYE. YONDU That’s Vorker’s eye. He takes it out when he sleeps. Go look again. Groot starts to SLINK OFF - ROCKET But leave the eye here. YONDU Why? Rocket CAN HARDLY SPEAK he finds it so funny. ROCKET He’s gonna wake up tomorrow and he’s not gonna know where his eye is! MOMENTS LATER Groot is DRAGGING a LARGE PIECE OF FURNITURE to the cell. ROCKET That’s a desk. We told you it was this big. Rocket shows him how small it is with his hands. Groot makes a face like “Oh!” as if NOW he gets it. It’s all coming together. MOMENTS LATER Groot is holding a SEVERED TOE. ROCKET Tell me you guys have a refrigerator somewhere with a bunch of severed human toes. Yondu SUBTLY SHAKES HIS HEAD. ROCKET (CONT’D) Okay, then let’s just agree to never discuss this. Yondu RIPS the Ravager patch off his jacket. 68 © Marvel YONDU The drawer you want to open. Has this symbol on it, okay? Groot takes it. He looks at Yondu and NODS. And then, slowly, HE PLACES IT ON TOP OF HIS HEAD. YONDU (CONT’D) What? No. ROCKET He thinks you want him to wear it as a hat. YONDU That’s not what I said. Groot takes it off his head. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET (translating) He’s relieved that you don’t want him to. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET He hates hats. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET On anyone, not just himself. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET One minute you think someone has a weird-shaped head. The next minute, it’s just because you realize part of that head is a hat. (to Groot) That’s why you don’t like hats? Groot nods. 69 © Marvel YONDU This is an important conversation right now? ROCKET No. Let’s try again. INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER Taserface is SNORING and SLOBBERING in his bed. We see the Ravager Patch tossed up onto the bed beside him. Then Groot’s vines GROW up the bed, and he pulls himself up beside the sleeping giant. Groot clasps the Ravager patch in his hand and looks fearfully around. He spots the Ravager symbol on a night stand drawer. He stares at the symbol in his hand, then at the drawer, then at the symbol, and then at the drawer again, and then one more time for good measure -- he wants to be very, very sure they’re the same. He creeps carefully towards the drawer, GROWING his vines out to grab the handle and PULL IT slowly open... He peers inside. Beside some writing instruments and a tin of candies, there lies a RED FIN, taller and more shark-like than Yondu’s current model. Groot smiles hugely, picking up - THE TIN OF CANDIES! He’s found it! KRAGLIN (O.S.) That ain’t it. Groot SWIRLS to see KRAGLIN, BACKLIT IN THE DOORWAY, LOOMING OVER HIM, intimidating as hell. And CUT TO -- INT. ECLECTOR CELL - MOMENTS LATER The RED FIN PLOPS DOWN at Yondu’s feet. Yondu and Rocket look up to see Kraglin, holding Groot. He stares at the ground - KRAGLIN I didn’t mean to do a mutiny. (pause, then, sadly) They killed all my friends. 70 © Marvel YONDU Go get the third quadrant ready for release. Kraglin SALUTES. ROCKET One more thing. Kraglin stares at him. ROCKET (CONT’D) You got any clones of Quill’s old music on the ship? INT. ECLECTOR BATHROOM - OUTER SPACE Brahl is shaving, when, suddenly, JAY AND THE AMERICAN’S “COME A LITTLE BIT CLOSER” STARTS PLAYING over the intercom. He looks up, confused. INT. ECLECTOR HALLWAY/CELL - OUTER SPACE TWO RAVAGERS outside the cell hear the MUSIC. They turn, unlocking the cell door. As they enter, THE CAMERA OVERTAKES them, arriving before they do at -- Yondu, sitting calmly; Rocket is finishing ATTACHING THE BIG- ASS FIN TO HIS HEAD. Its electrical systems POP on. PUSH IN ON the two surprised Ravagers trying to UNHOLSTER THEIR PISTOLS in time. Too late. Yondu WHISTLES. INT. ECLECTOR CLOSET - OUTER SPACE The ARROW FLIES OFF a shelf of supplies and SHOOTS TOWARD A WALL. INT. ECLECTOR CELL - OUTER SPACE The ARROW PUNCHES THROUGH THE WALL behind the Ravagers. They swirl to see it -- IT SHOOTS THROUGH ONE RAVAGER And THEN THE OTHER -- 71 © Marvel And then to Yondu; he CATCHES it, and STANDS. He SAUNTERS past the two Ravagers as they WOBBLE and FALL. Rocket and Groot follow. On the way out the door, Rocket looks down and sees TWO PISTOLS beside the dead Ravagers. He smiles. INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - OUTER SPACE Taserface is awoken by JAY AND THE AMERICANS on the PA. He glances over to see the open drawer beside him, sans gargantuan fin. He SCRAMBLES for the comm, yelling into it -- TASERFACE He’s got it! INT. BAR/QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE The hoard of Ravagers hear Taserface’s voice. TASERFACE (O.S.) HE’S GOT IT! YONDU’S GOT THE DAMN FIN! RETCH GO! SERIES OF SHOTS - INT. ALL OVER THE SHIP - OUTER SPACE ALL OF THE RAVAGERS all over the ship, in a panic, LOAD THEIR WEAPONS and HEAD TOWARD THE CELL. INT. ECLECTOR HALLWAY - OUTER SPACE Yondu and Rocket and Groot COME AROUND THIS CORNER IN SLOW- MOTION, the three biggest badasses in the history of cinema. A HOARD OF RAVAGERS, led by Brahl, FILE IN at the end of the hallway. But Yondu WHISTLES and the ARROW TWISTS QUICKLY BACK AND FORTH, SLICING THROUGH EACH OF THEM. Yondu SLAMS through a door into - 72 © Marvel INT. ECLECTOR DOCKING BAY - OUTER SPACE Our heroes step onto a catwalk in this, the biggest space in the Eclector. There are catwalks throughout and dozens of docked M-ships. The SCURRILOUS RAVAGER sees them from above -- SCURRILOUS RAVAGER Down there! IN AN EXTREME WIDE ANGLE, we see the ARROW FLYING UP AND DOWN, BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS, CUTTING THROUGH ALL SORTS OF RAVAGERS, closer and further from CAMERA. We TRAVEL BEHIND YONDU AND ROCKET as BODIES FALL AROUND THEM IN SLOW-MOTION LIKE FIREWORKS. Groot looks up and sees RETCH looking down at him. RETCH FLEES in terror as Groot GROWS branches to pull himself up behind him. Groot HOWLS FURIOUSLY, TAKING CHASE. Retch YOWLS like a child as he frantically runs. But Groot GROWS HIS BRANCHES around RETCH’s legs, TRIPPING HIM. BAM! He FALLS, face first to the floor. And, with a WAR CRY, Baby Groot FLINGS the sadistic Ravager off the edge towards the abyss below. As RETCH FALLS past Yondu and Rocket, Baby Groot DROPS back down onto Rocket’s shoulder, and they push their way through the doorway - INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE Yondu, Rocket, and Groot move into this area, where they look up at DOZENS OF SECURITY MONITORS encircling them showing Ravagers filing toward them from every part of the ship. Yondu WHISTLES as he watches the MONITORS - ON A MONITOR, the arrow FLIES out the wall. He whistles so that it strikes TWO RAVAGERS running towards them. It ZIPS out of that room and 73 © Marvel INT. DARK HALL - OUTER SPACE A HOARD of Ravagers come running down a hall. The ARROW ZIPS overhead, smashing out all the lights so that the hall is completely dark, except for the DIM RED LIGHT OF THE ARROW. And we can just make out the RED LIGHT smashing through the body of every Ravager there and then on into -- INT. SPACEPORT - OUTER SPACE A YELLING CROWD OF RAVAGERS come, hungry for war, when the arrow SHOOTS THROUGH THE CHAINS holding a giant spaceship in place over their heads. It FALLS, instantly CRUSHING them all, and then zips on -- INT. BAR - OUTER SPACE Gef the Ravager is drunkenly drinking a mug of beer, when the arrow zips past him and through the mug, SHATTERING it. As Gef looks at the shattered mug, confused, the arrow comes flying back, ripping through Gef himself, FLINGING him off the bar stool. INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE Rocket also uses the MONITORS to pinpoint where their attackers are. He methodically SHOOTS THROUGH the walls, striking the Ravagers as they get closer. WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT, the CAMERA REVOLVES as hoards of Ravagers GET CLOSE to Yondu and Rocket but the arrow and gunshots ZIP THROUGH THE WALLS taking them all down, one by one, like Busby Berkely gone mad. Then Yondu stops, seeing something on one of the MONITORS. Taserface, clutching a big ass gun, is marching down the hall towards them. Yondu WHISTLES, loudly and angrily. INTERCUT - INT. ENGINE ROOM/SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE Taserface sees THE ARROW COMING AROUND A CORNER TOWARDS HIM. Yondu WHISTLES again. The ARROW BURSTS INTO FLAMES. Taserface DODGES it. 74 © Marvel He turns to watch it go, CACKLING pridefully over his agility. But his smile quickly dissipates. The arrow PLUNGES into a giant tank - which EXPLODES, ENGULFING HIM. EXT. ECLECTOR - OUTER SPACE A huge portion of the giant spacecraft EXPLODES, leading to a domino effect of one part of the ship BURSTING after another. INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE ROCKET is dumbfounded as he sees on the MONITORS the numerous EXPLOSIONS throughout the ship. ROCKET You maniac. The whole ship is gonna blow. INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE A DOOR SWINGS OPEN and TASERFACE FALLS ONTO THE FLOOR, ENGULFED IN FLAMES, but furious. He angrily SLAPS off the flames as he reaches for a COMMUNICATIONS MODULE. INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE YONDU Not the whole ship. Yondu catches the arrow and walks out. INT. BAR/QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Kraglin ENTERS, pulling latches and flipping switches and twisting dials on elementary flight controls. INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE With pained effort, Taserface PULLS UP A VIDEO SCREEN with a SOVEREIGN CHAMBERMAID. CHAMBERMAID (ON SCREEN) Who is this? You’re not supposed to be on this line. TASERFACE I’m sending you the coordinates for Yondu’s ship. 75 © Marvel INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Yondu enters with Rocket and Groot. YONDU Release the quadrant. KRAGLIN Aye Capn’ INT. ECLECTOR SECURITY DOCK - OUTER SPACE TASERFACE I only ask one thing. That your High Priestess tells him the name of the man what sealed his fate: Taserface. The CHAMBERMAID laughs uncontrollably at his name. Taserface looks really sad as he EXPLODES. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE As Rocket and Groot, frightened, feel the SHIP EXPLODING around them, Kraglin pulls up one final latch - EXT. ECLECTOR - OUTER SPACE THE ENTIRE REAR UPPER QUADRANT OF THE ECLECTOR DETACHES FROM THE REST OF THE SHIP, while the remains CONTINUE EXPLODING. I/E. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Rocket and Groot are amazed as the SHIP thrusts forward, away from the explosions. Kraglin keys into a JUMP POINT ahead. Nearby, Rocket pulls up the Navigation panel. KRAGLIN Where to, Cap’n? Rocket SETS THE DESTINATION: ROCKET Ego. YONDU NO, BOY! The Quadrant TREMBLES as they hit THE JUMP POINT. It BLOOPS out of present space, making the JUMP to - 76 © Marvel EXT. DESERT - DAY The Quadrant POPS into a blue sky above a DESERT with two fighting KRONANS. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - VARIOUS OUTER SPACE LOCATIONS Inside the ship, Rocket, Yondu, Kraglin, and baby Groot hold on for dear life as the ship VIOLENTLY SHAKES and THE LOCATIONS OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW RAPIDLY SHIFT. Their bodies DISTEND SLIGHTLY. Yondu is furious. YONDU It ain’t healthy for a mammalian body to hop over fifty jumps at a time. ROCKET I know that. YONDU We’re about to do seven-hundred. Rocket looks bummed. EXT. PINK SKY - AMOEBA BLOBS - OUTER SPACE The Quadrant pops out of a jump point into this Pepto Bismol pink land, SMASHING THROUGH an AMOEBA-LIKE BLOB, and then through the next jump point. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - VARIOUS OUTER SPACE LOCATIONS Kraglin, Yondu, Rocket, and Baby Groot all SCREAM, their entire faces and bodies distorting as if in some evil funhouse mirror. EXT. RED PLANET LANDSCAPE - VARIOUS The yellow sun CURVES SLOWLY WEST TO EAST over this magnificent landscape. “BRING IT ON HOME TO ME” BY SAM COOKE PLAYS. EXT. SLEEPING QUARTERS - VERANDA - DAY TILT DOWN to Quill, on this veranda, gazing out at the beauty. The Walkman is connected to small, jerry-rigged speakers nearby, PLAYING SAM COOKE. QUILL So I guess this could all be mine someday. 77 © Marvel Gamora isn’t paying attention. She’s fooling with a communications device, which has no reception. GAMORA Rocket? Rocket, you there? Dammit. Quill comes up behind her, messing with her. GAMORA (CONT’D) What are you doing, Peter? QUILL Dance with me. GAMORA No. I’m not -- QUILL Come on. This is Sam Cooke, one of the greatest Earth singers of all time. Gamora lets out an exasperated SIGH, but, reluctantly, starts DANCING with him. She is incredibly light on her feet. Quill smiles and Gamora, despite herself, does as well. He TWIRLS HER AND BRINGS HER BACK IN. This is definitely not the first time they’ve done this. QUILL (CONT’D) Drax thinks you’re not a dancer. GAMORA If you ever tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you. They look at each other. QUILL When are we going to do something about this... unspoken thing between us? GAMORA What unspoken thing? QUILL This Cheers-Sam-and-Diane-guy-and- girl-on-a-TV-show-who-dig-each- other-but-never-say-it-’cause-when- they-do-the-ratings-would-go-down sort of thing? 78 © Marvel GAMORA There is no unspoken thing between us. QUILL Well, that’s a Catch-22. Because if you said there was, it would be spoken, and then you’d be a liar. So by saying there isn’t, you’re telling the truth, and admitting there is. GAMORA That’s not -- Gamora PULLS AWAY. GAMORA (CONT’D) What we should be discussing right now is that something about this place doesn’t feel right. QUILL What are you talking about? You were the one who wanted me to come here! Gamora moves into -- INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS - DAY GAMORA That girl, Mantis. She’s afraid of something. Quill follows her. He stops, staring at her, hurt and frustrated. QUILL Why are you trying to take this from me? GAMORA I’m not -- QUILL He’s my father. He’s blood - GAMORA You have blood on earth. You never wanted to return there. 79 © Marvel QUILL Again - you made me come here! And Earth?! Earth is the place my mother died in front of me. GAMORA No, it’s because that’s real, and this is a fantasy. QUILL This is real. I’m only half human, remember? GAMORA That’s the half I’m worried about. QUILL Oh, I get it. You’re jealous because I’m part god! You like me being the weak one! Gamora adds some pieces to her transmitter. GAMORA Uh. You were insufferable to begin with. I haven’t been able to reach Rocket. I’m going to see if I can get a signal outside. QUILL You know, this isn’t Cheers after all. It’s whatever the show is where one person is willing to, you know, open themselves up to new possibilities, and the other person is just kind of a jerk who doesn’t trust anyone! It’s a show that doesn’t exist - it would never be made, it would be so horrible! It would get zero ratings! GAMORA You’re having a conversation with yourself! I don’t know what Cheers is! QUILL I finally found my family, don’t you understand that!? GAMORA I thought you already had. 80 © Marvel QUILL So this is how it ends, then? Our whole story. Like this? You and me? GAMORA Get it through your head, Peter. There is no you and me. There never was. Quill watches her leave. EXT. EGO’S FIELDS - SUNSET Gamora sits, alone in the fields, pouting, fuming. She stops, staring angrily inward. Two plants, nearby, flitter against one another in the wind, making a CLICKING sound. She side-eyes them. They don’t stop. She slices them off with her sword. GAMORA Dammit. Gamora hears something. She turns to see, in the distance, an M-ship flying toward the planet. She watches as it gets closer and closer, and realizes it is FLYING DIRECTLY AT HER. Gamora RUNS. INT. NEBULA’S SHIP - SUNSET Nebula HOLLERS as she BLASTS HER GUNS, DIVING towards Gamora. EXT. HILLSIDE - SUNSET Gamora FLEES from Nebula’s ship like Cary Grant from the crop duster in North by Northwest as HUGE CHUNKS OF LAND EXPLODE on either side of her. Gamora leaps into a DITCH, LANDING HARD, as the M-Ship SWOOPS just a couple feet above her. GAMORA You psychopath. Gamora sees the M-Ship banking and FLYING BACK at her again. She stands and runs along the hillside as GUN BLASTS burst behind her. But Gamora sees a CAVERN, leading down into the earth. 81 © Marvel She DARTS into it. INT. EGO’S CAVERN - FIRST/SECOND LEVELS - SUNSET As Gamora RUNS down the cavern, she glances back over her shoulder where Nebula, insane with rage, continues FLYING towards her -- The M-SHIP ENTERS THE CAVERN, which is too small for it, CLIPPING ITS WINGS - but it keeps flying. It again BLASTS at Gamora as she FLEES - The BLASTS cause the ground to COLLAPSE around Gamora, and she FALLS, SMASHING DOWN THROUGH ONE LEVEL, to another level below, SLAMMING HARD on the ground. The underside of the M-ship gets SCRAPED APART as it flies above her, and pieces of it come RAINING DOWN around her. Nebula ZOOMS towards a huge cavern wall. She tries to turn her ship in time, to no avail. She SIDESWIPES it, falling down, CRASHING on the ground, where she is now on the same level as Gamora. [Gamora sees something beside her] it’s one of the ENORMOUS BLASTERS from the M-ship, attached to an AMMO RIG. INT. NEBULA’S M-SHIP - SUNSET Nebula sees Gamora, through the canopy, picking up the blaster, and clutching it. It is comically enormous. Nebula struggles to get free and out of the way, but her legs have been pinned in the crash - INT. EGO’S CAVERN - SECOND/THIRD LEVELS - SUNSET Gamora CLAMPS two metal switches together, MACHINE-FIRING THE GUN, as she walks forward. The front of the M-ship is peppered with blasts and then EXPLODES. The explosion causes the thin ground around it to COLLAPSE, and the entire ship FALLS BACKWARDS to an even LOWER LEVEL - BURSTING some more as it hits the ground. Gamora gazes down at the ship. I/E. NEBULA’S SQUASHED M-SHIP - SUNSET Nebula is a mess. Her legs are broken, trapped in the ship. There is a FIRE at her feet. 82 © Marvel She struggles, trying to get out, but her machine parts are SPARKING and she can hardly breathe. It seems as she’s going to die, when -- Part of the ship is TORN AWAY. She sees Gamora. Gamora GRABS HER, unceremoniously PULLING HER FREE, just as the M-ship EXPLODES, PITCHING THEM BOTH to the ground. They lie next to each other. Nebula COUGHS as her legs are healing, CRACKING back into place. She looks over and eyes Gamora. And then she HOLLERS and attacks her. GAMORA Are you kidding me?! They FIGHT. Nebula snatches Gamora’s blade from her, and TUMBLES on top of her as she gains the upper hand. She holds the blade above Gamora, ready to plummet it into her. She wants to - she really does - but now that the moment is here... She SCREAMS in frustration, and falls back. NEBULA I win. Gamora eyes her, a little surprised. NEBULA (CONT’D) I win. I bested you in combat. GAMORA Uh, no, I just spared your life - NEBULA You were stupid enough to let me live so - GAMORA You just let me live! NEBULA I WIN! 83 © Marvel GAMORA Nebula, I really don’t need this. My day has been bad enough - NEBULA (CONT'D) I don’t need you always trying to beat me! GAMORA I’m not the one who just flew across the universe because I wanted to win! NEBULA Don’t tell me what I want! GAMORA I don’t have to because you make it obvi - NEBULA YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO WIN, I JUST WANTED A SISTER! Gamora stops suddenly, struck. Nebula is cracking. NEBULA (CONT’D) You were all I had, but you were the one who needed to win! Thanos pulled my eye from my head and my brain from my skull and my arm from my body because of you! Gamora doesn’t know what to say. Nebula is almost instantly embarrassed. They sit there for a moment, saying nothing. EXT. SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT The Quarters are entombed in stars. The dim sound of “BRANDY” comes from within. INT. SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT Quill lies in bed, unable to sleep, listening to the song. EGO (O.S.) You all right, son? Quill turns to see Ego in the doorway. EGO (CONT’D) I saw your girl stomp off earlier in quite a huff. Quill sits up, nods. 84 © Marvel QUILL Yeah. Ego sits beside him. EGO It’s fortuitous you’re listening to this song. QUILL You know - ? EGO ‘Brandy’ by Looking Glass. A favorite of your mom’s. QUILL Yes. EGO One of earth’s greatest musical compositions. Perhaps its very greatest. QUILL Yeah, it is. EGO You and I, Peter, we’re the sailor in the song. Ego speaks along with the lyrics as they play. EGO (CONT’D) He came on a summer’s day, bringing gifts from far away - like the child I put in your mother, or the freedom you brought Gamora. Quill listens. EGO (CONT’D) Brandy, you’re a fine girl, what a good wife you would be. But my life, my love, my lady is the sea. The sea calls the sailor back. He loves the girl, but that’s not his place. The sea calls upon him as history calls upon great men, and sometimes we are deprived the pleasures of mortals. 85 © Marvel QUILL Well, you might not be mortal, but me - EGO Death will remain a stranger to both of us as long as the light burns within the planet. Ego smiles. QUILL I’m immortal? That’s... really? EGO Yes, as long as the light exists. QUILL And I can use the light to make cool things? Like how you made all this? EGO It’ll take thousands of years of practice before you get really good at it . But, yes. QUILL Well, get ready for an eight hundred foot statue of Pac Man, then. With Skeletor. And Heather Locklear. I’m gonna make some weird shit. Ego puts his arm around him, smiles kindly. EGO I can’t wait to see your weird shit. QUILL Wow, that... EGO Came out a little disgusting. They CHUCKLE. EGO (CONT’D) It is a tremendous responsibility, Peter. Only we can remake the universe. Only we can take the bridle of the cosmos and lead it where it needs to go. 86 © Marvel QUILL How? Ego holds up his fingers, letting forth a flame of white cosmic light. Quill holds up his fingers, letting forth a smaller, less intense flame of white cosmic light. REVEAL MANTIS, IN THE HALL, around the corner, looking at Ego and Quill and the light emanating from their fingers. EGO Come with me. Mantis looks like she’s having a panic attack. INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - MOMENTS LATER CLOSE-UP OF DRAX, sound asleep. MANTIS (O.S.) Drax! Drax! He WAKES to see a panicked Mantis sitting on the bed beside him. MANTIS (CONT’D) Drax, we need to talk - DRAX Ugh. I am sorry, but I like a woman with some meat on her bones. MANTIS What? DRAX I tried to let you down easily by telling you I found you disgusting. MANTIS No! That’s not what I - Drax starts to GAG. MANTIS (CONT’D) What are you doing?! DRAX I’m imagining being with you physically! 87 © Marvel MANTIS Drax, that’s not - I don’t like you like that. I don’t even like the type of thing you are. DRAX (offended) Hey! There’s no need to get personal! MANTIS Listen! Ego’s gotten exactly what he wanted. I should have told you earlier, I am stupid. You are in danger. EXT. NEBULA’S SQUASHED M-SHIP - NIGHT Gamora and Nebula still sit here, quietly and awkwardly. Gamora glances down a twisting tunnel, where phosphorescent lights shine brightly. GAMORA What’s that? She moves towards it. Nebula, hesitantly, follows. INT. PALACE - NIGHT Ego and Quill enter the palace. EGO You need to readjust the way you process life. Everything around us - including the girl - is temporary. We are forever. QUILL Doesn’t eternity get boring? EGO Not if you have a purpose, Peter. Which is why you’re here. I told you how all those years ago I had an unceasing impulse to find life. Ego is standing underneath the diorama of him facing the little alien girl. EGO (CONT’D) I didn’t tell you how when I did find it, it was all so... disappointing. 88 © Marvel INT. TWISTING CAVERNS - NIGHT Gamora and Nebula move further down the cavern, stepping into light, getting closer. EGO And that is when I came to a profound realization. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO My innate desire to seek out other life was not so that I could walk among that life. Ego looks at his son, moved by the memories. EGO (CONT’D) Peter, I had found meaning. Quill is taken aback. But Ego sets his finger lightly on his forehead, and the white light bursts through his son’s body. We see THE COSMOS IN QUILL’S EYES. He looks ecstatic, far beyond where he stands, and seems to finally understand. QUILL I see it. Eternity. INT. TWISTING CAVERNS - NIGHT Gamora and Nebula stop, in horror. GAMORA Oh my God. They are staring at piles and piles of skeletons of various species, thousands of them, seeming to go on forever. NEBULA We need to get off this planet. EXT. GALAXY/UNIVERSE - OUTER SPACE We see traces of the UNIVERSAL NEURAL TELEPORTATION NETWORK, the Quadrant a blinking light POPPING IN and OUT on a trail across the cosmos - And then ZOOM BACK FURTHER TO THE UNIVERSE, the same blinking light making its way while ROCKET, YONDU, and KRAGLIN SCREAM. 89 © Marvel EXT. ASTEROIDS - OUTER SPACE WATCHERS swirl to the Quadrant SWISH past them and JUMPS OUT. They turn back to STAN LEE, in a spacesuit with a fishbowl helmet. STAN LEE Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, that time I was a World War II vet - EXT. RED PLANET - OUTER SPACE THE QUADRANT POPS INTO SPACE, EGO’S PLANET nearby. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Yondu, Kraglin, Rocket and Groot FALL OUT OF THEIR SEATS, RETCHING, clutching their stomachs. YONDU What the hell you doing, boy?! ROCKET I could tell by how you talked about him - this Ego is bad news. We’re here to save Quill. YONDU For what? (derisively) For ‘honor’? For ‘love’? ROCKET No! I don’t care about those things! I want to save Quill so I can prove I’m better than him! I can lord this over him forever! Yondu LAUGHS bitterly as he pulls himself up to the controls. Rocket yanks himself up beside him. ROCKET (CONT’D) What are you laughing at me for?! YONDU You can fool yourself and everyone else but you can’t fool me. I know who you are. ROCKET You don’t know anything about me, loser. 90 © Marvel YONDU I know everything about you. I know you play like the meanest and the hardest ‘cause you actually the most scared of all. ROCKET Shut up. YONDU I know you steal batteries you don’t need and you push away anyone who’s willing to put up with you, ‘cause just a little bit of love reminds you how big and empty that hole inside you actually is! ROCKET I said, shut up. YONDU I know the scientists what made you never gave a rat’s ass about you - ROCKET I’m serious, dude - ! YONDU Just like my own damn parents, who sold me, their own little baby, into slavery! I know who you are, boy, because you’re me. They stare at each other there, a mirror. ROCKET What kind of pair are we? YONDU The kind that’s about to go fight a planet I reckon. ROCKET All right, okay, that’s - Wait. Fight a what? INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT Gamora, furious, BURSTS into the room. She sees Mantis standing with Drax. She RUNS to her, GRABBING HER by the neck -- 91 © Marvel DRAX Hey! And she SLAMS her against the wall. GAMORA Who are you people?! What is this place?! DRAX (re: Nebula) What is she doing here? NEBULA Just watching the fireworks. DRAX Gamora, let her go! GAMORA The bodies in the caverns, who are they?! MANTIS You are scared. Gamora, whose skin is touching Mantis, lets go of her neck, terrified. INT. PALACE - NIGHT The DIORAMAS all around Quill and Ego TRANSFORM into a map of the universe. Quill stares in his cosmic reverie at the PLANETS around him - thousands of them with pieces of EGO’S LIFEFORM - GLOWING COSMIC PLANTS - buried within them. EGO I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose. And now it’s yours as well. QUILL It’s beautiful. [Quill stares up at a DIORAMA] Ego grabs handfuls of his own body, engulfed in light, and plants the wriggling pieces on various planets. EGO Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. 92 © Marvel In the DIORAMAS, the COSMIC PLANTS OVERGROW and COVER each of the planets, like chocolate on a malt ball. EGO (CONT’D) I needed to fulfill life’s one true [purpose] to grow and to spread, covering all that exists, until everything... is me. INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT Gamora backs away, recovering. GAMORA What did she do to me?! DRAX She already told me everything. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO I only had one problem. A single Celestial doesn’t have enough power for such an enterprise. But two Celestials - well now, that just might do. INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT MANTIS The bodies are his children. Gamora is horrified. INT. PALACE - NIGHT On the DIORAMAS we see Ego with hundreds of species of female aliens. EGO Out of all my labors the most beguiling was attempting to graft my DNA with that of another species. I hoped the result of such a coupling would be enough to power the expansion. INT. ECLECTOR HALLWAY - NIGHT Yondu and Rocket walk here. 93 © Marvel EGO (O.S.) I had Yondu deliver some of them to me. It broke the Ravager code - but I compensated him generously. And, to ease his conscience, I told him I would never hurt them. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO That was true. They never felt a thing. But, one after the other, they failed me. None of them had the Celestial genes. Until you, Peter. Out of all my spawn, only you have carried the connection to the light. Peter smiles, an enchanted idiot, the cosmos in his eyes. INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT GAMORA We need to find Peter now and get off this damn planet. MANTIS Ego will have won him to his side by now. He has a way of - NEBULA Then we just go. GAMORA No. He’s our friend. NEBULA All any of you do is yell at each other. You’re not friends. DRAX You’re right. We’re family. We leave no one behind. (To Nebula) Except maybe you. NEBULA Oh my god. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO For the first time in my life, I am truly not alone. 94 © Marvel Quill suddenly looks sad. EGO (CONT’D) What is it, son? QUILL My friends. EGO That’s the mortal in you, Peter. QUILL Yes. I don’t need that. EGO What are we? QUILL Forever. EGO What are they? QUILL Temporary. EGO You think you love them. But love is merely an evolutionary trick in the service of reproduction. We are beyond such things. QUILL Yes. EGO Now - QUILL But my mother. Ego looks at him, questioningly. QUILL (CONT’D) You said you loved my mother. EGO That I did. My river lily, who knew the words to every song that came on the radio. I returned to earth to see her three times. I knew if I came back a fourth, I’d never leave. (MORE) 95 © Marvel The expansion, the reason for my very existence would be over. So I did what I had to do. But it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head. QUILL Wh- what? ZOLLY IN ON QUILL as the cosmos disappear from his eyes. Tears stream down his face. EGO I know that sounds bad - QUILL PULLS OUT HIS PISTOLS AND FIRES; THE BLAST TEARS THROUGH EGO, DISPERSING the MOLECULES forming his body. Quill SHOOTS at him AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. The flesh disappears from Ego like bites from a cookie, exposing the angry alien skeletal form beneath. But, as the charge on Peter’s blasters wears out, Ego just looks at him, and, although he’s filled with holes, he’s merely disappointed. EGO (CONT’D) Who in the hell do you think you are? QUILL You killed my mother! EGO TRANSFORMS into DAVID HASSELHOFF. EGO I tried so hard to find the form that best suited you, and this is the thanks I get? And then, once again, BECOMES HIS USUAL FORM. EGO (CONT’D) You really need to grow up. A SPIKY COSMIC LIGHT-PROPELLED TENDRIL SHOOTS UP from the floor behind Quill, and JUTS into Quill’s body. Quill is THRUST INTO THE AIR. He opens his mouth to SCREAM and WHITE LIGHT EMITS. EGO (CONT'D) 96 © Marvel EGO (CONT’D) I wanted to do this together! But I suppose you’ll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a battery, ‘Star-Lord’. INT. DRAX’S SLEEPING QUARTERS - NIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW to the PALACE - PAN TO Gamora watching as her TRANSMITTER - the one she was trying to contact Rocket on - BEEPS. She answers. GAMORA Rocket?! Gamora follows Drax, Nebula, and a confused Mantis as they move out. INT. LASER DRILL - OUTER SPACE Rocket, Yondu, and Groot are CRAWLING into a huge LASER DRILL. ROCKET Keep that transmitter nearby so I can find you. We’re in an old piece of construction equipment Yondu once used to slice open the Bank of A’askavaria. GAMORA (O.S.) Ego’s unhinged - ROCKET I know. Get ready. YONDU Drop it, Kraglin! INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Kraglin YANKS a lever. I/E. LASER DRILL - OUTER SPACE An ugly, bulbous and uneven craft PLOPS from the Quadrant, and heads toward Ego’s surface. ROCKET I got a plan. YONDU What is it? 97 © Marvel ROCKET It’s pretty simple. INT. PALACE - NIGHT Ego walks calmly up beside the trapped Quill. He snatches the Walkman off of him. He stares at it. Quill can barely speak. QUILL NO. EGO PRESSES PLAY. A distorted version of “Brandy” plays. He stares at it - perhaps he’s feeling wistful sadness, or perhaps nothing at all. ‘Brandy, you’re a fine girl. What a good wife you would be.’ EGO ‘My life, my love, my lady is the sea’? Peter, THIS IS THE SEA. EGO CRUSHES THE WALKMAN IN HIS GRIP as Quill watches helplessly. The POWER SURGES from Quill through the TENTACLE and throughout the entire PALACE -- EXT. PALACE - NIGHT As Gamora, Mantis, Drax, and Nebula run toward the Palace it BURSTS WITH COSMIC LIGHT, so brightly they have to protect their eyes. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO basks in the power and we TRAVEL down his legs -- INT. RED PLANET/SELF CHAMBER - NIGHT We FOLLOW THE ENERGY THROUGH THE SURFACE OF THE PLANET -- THROUGH THE TWISTING VEINS OF LIGHT BENEATH -- And INTO an ENORMOUS, METAL ORB, the SELF CHAMBER, which EXPLODES WITH LIGHT. Boom. EARTH - EXT. WOODS BEHIND DAIRY QUEEN - MOMENTS LATER We PUSH INTO the small plant - now a bit larger - that Ego planted at the very beginning of the film. It LIGHTS UP and GROWS, INSTANTLY BURSTING UPWARDS - 98 © Marvel EARTH - EXT. DQ - MOMENTS LATER The PLANT BURSTS UP BEHIND the Dairy Queen (now a modern DQ), a huge ORGANIC, BLOB-LIKE MASS OF LIGHT that comes down instantly on the building, CRUSHING it and everyone inside -- AND CONTINUING TO SPILL FORWARD, SPREADING. INT. PALACE - NIGHT EGO SUMMONS all his energy, when, SUDDENLY, a DOOR beside him SMASHES APART. Drax has kicked through it and Gamora, Nebula and Mantis are with him. Ego turns to see them, then hears a RUMBLING above him. He turns to look at a window on the palace wall behind him. AND THE GIANT LASER DRILL COMES SMASHING THROUGH THE PALACE WALL. YONDU Hey there, Jackass. Ego looks surprised. The LASER DRILL lands on Ego, SQUASHING HIM. The tendril retracts from Quill as he falls and heaves for breath. EARTH - EXT. STREET - DAY The cosmic plant, barreling down the street, suddenly STOPS. INT. PALACE/LASER DRILL - SUNRISE Drax, Gamora, Nebula, and Mantis rush into the crumbling palace. The door on the side of the Laser Drill SLIDES OPEN. Baby Groot is standing there, smiling, and waving. DRAX Out of the way, dumber, smaller Groot. As Drax crawls in, Groot starts PUNCHING Drax as hard as he can. Probably because he called him dumb, but who’s to say. Gamora helps up Quill. 99 © Marvel GAMORA I told you something didn’t feel right. QUILL ‘I told you so.’ That’s really what I need right now. GAMORA I came back, didn’t I? QUILL Because there’s an unspoken thing. GAMORA There is no unspoken thing. INT. LASER DRILL - NIGHT Drax, Mantis, Gamora, and Quill step inside the door. DRAX What are you doing? You could have killed us all crashing in here like that! ROCKET Uh, ‘Thank you, Rocket’? DRAX We had it under control. MANTIS We did not. That is only an extension of his true self. He will be back soon. QUILL (re: Nebula) What’s Smurfette doing here!? NEBULA Back rubs, dishes, killing gods, whatever I need to do to get a damn ride home. ROCKET She tried to murder me! NEBULA I saved you, you stupid fox. GAMORA He’s not a fox. 100 © Marvel GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET I’m not a raboon either! GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET ‘Raccoon,’ whatever! Drax looks out the window. INT. PALACE - NIGHT TENTACLE-LIKE STRANDS BURST UP through the palace flooring all around the drill. INT. PALACE - NIGHT Drax turns to the others. DRAX How do we kill a Celestial? QUILL There’s the center to him - his brain, his soul, whatever it is, in some sort of shell -- MANTIS It’s in the caverns below the surface. Quill climbs up the ladder to see - QUILL YONDU? Nebula looks at Gamora. NEBULA If he’s got that fin back, I am so screwed. I/E. PALACE - SUNRISE Yondu THRUSTS the ship upward for takeoff. But TENTACLES wrap around the ship -- And YANK IT BACK DOWN into the floor, destroying the foundation of the palce. 101 © Marvel THE ENTIRE PALACE SLOPES. INT. LASER DRILL - SUNRISE Everyone FALLS forward. YONDU Thrusters are out! Quill starts rewiring the mechanics. QUILL I guess I should be glad I was a skinny kid. Otherwise you would have delivered me to this maniac! YONDU You still reckon that’s the reason I kept you around, you idiot?! QUILL That’s what you told me, you old doofus! YONDU Once I figured out what happened to them other kids, I wasn’t gonna just hand you over. QUILL You said you were gonna eat me! YONDU That was being funny! QUILL Not to me!! ROCKET You people have issues. Quill sees THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD where EGO’S CREEPY SKELETAL is GROWING IN FRONT OF THEM. QUILL Of course I have issues that’s my fricking father!!... Thrusters are back up. Quill thrusts the ship FORWARD instead of up. It CRASHES through Ego and DOWN THE SLOPING FLOOR -- And OUT THROUGH the giant pane of glass at the end. 102 © Marvel I/E. LASER DRILL/CRACK IN THE PLANET - SUNRISE Everyone holds on in what’s essentially the worst roller coaster drop ever. YONDU We should be going up! QUILL We can’t. Ego wants to eradicate the universe as we know it. We have to kill him. They PLUMMET toward a fissure in the earth below. It’s too small for the ship. QUILL (CONT’D) Rocket! ROCKET Got it. Rocket BLASTS the lasers perfectly, CHIPPING AWAY PIECES of rock, forming an opening in the crack. They SMASH into the opening, barely fitting, leading down into the planet. Quill flies perfectly, TWISTING through tunnels and around corners. Rocket mans the lasers, BLASTING PIECES OUT OF PLACE just in time so they can SCRAPE through. ROCKET (CONT’D) So, we’re saving the galaxy again? QUILL I guess. ROCKET Awesome. We’ll really be able to jack up our prices if we’re two- time-galaxy savers. QUILL I seriously can’t believe that is where your mind goes. ROCKET It was just a random thought, man! I thought we were friends! (MORE) 103 © Marvel Of course I care about the planets, and the buildings, and all of the animals on the planets. QUILL And the people. ROCKET Meh. Mantis GIGGLES. MANTIS The crabby puppy is so cute he makes me want to die! DRAX Your suicidal thoughts sadden me, but your wish will likely come true. I/E. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE MEANWHILE, Kraglin is mellowly hanging out, eating some soup and listening to “WHAM BAM” BY SILVER as he sees something out in the distance of space. He looks a bit closer. SOVEREIGN OMNICRAFT ARE POPPING THROUGH JUMP POINTS ABOVE EGO’S PLANET. EXT. AYESHA’S SPACECRAFT - OUTER SPACE AYESHA is remotely piloting one of the ships. She looks determined and angry on the vid-screen. And, one by one, Sovereign OMNICRAFT POP IN all around her, until there is a large fleet. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY Ayesha, in full pilot gear, yells into her comm. AYESHA Pilots, release envoy units! EXT. AYESHA’S SPACECRAFT - OUTER SPACE Smaller, more nimble robotic ENVOYS, like big pods with blasters for arms - detach from the front of every Omnicraft. AYESHA Our sensors detect the batteries are below the surface of the planet. ROCKET (CONT'D) 104 © Marvel INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY AYESHA Dive! [OVERHEAD SHOT] On the screens in all the pods, the envoys DIVE toward the planet from slightly different directions. I/E. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Kraglin, in shock, watches the massive fleet of envoys diving downward. He grabs the comm. KRAGLIN Uhh... Cap’n? No answer. KRAGLIN (CONT’D) Cap’n? INT. LASER DRILL/CRACK IN THE PLANET - SUNRISE Yondu doesn’t hear the CRACKLING SPEAKER beside him as they maneuver down through the fissure. Quill eyes him. YONDU So why’d Ego want you here? QUILL He needs my genetic connection to the light to help destroy the universe. He tried to teach me how to control the power. YONDU So could you? QUILL A little. I made a ball. YONDU A ball? QUILL I thought as hard as a could, that’s all I could come up with. YONDU You ‘thought’? Quill nods. 105 © Marvel YONDU (CONT’D) You think when I make this arrow fly I use my head? QUILL What do you use? They look at each other instead of where they’re going, and the CRASH into an overhanging piece of rock. The entire side door is RIPPED OFF. As the SCREECH through a smaller space and into -- INT. PLANET’S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY The Laser Drill DROPS into this enormous open space within the planet. The Guardians gather on the side of the ship open to the hollow, gazing out at its stunning beauty, lit by Ego’s white glow running throughout it. GAMORA Whoa. Mantis turns, looking through the portholes on the other side. MANTIS There! Thats Ego’s core. Mantis points at the Self Chamber, down below them. They twist down towards it. GAMORA That ore’s thick. Rocket, we’re gonna need to use the big laser. Rocket nods, FLICKS switches. All the small lasers on the sides move through grooves to [combine into one huge laser in the center of the ship] the MEGA-LASER. MANTIS We must hurry. It will not take Ego long to find us. ROCKET Keep it still! 106 © Marvel Quill steadies the craft as best he can beside the Self Chamber. But it’s an unwieldy beast, built for power, not precision. Rocket powers up the mega-laser and holds tight to the SHUDDERING CONTROLS as it DRILLS, BURNING a HOLE into the protective sheathe. It melts and drips down. QUILL We drill into the center, we kill him. Quill holds tight to the steering wheel. Yondu notices the BLINKING LIGHT on the comm. He taps it. YONDU What is it, Kraglin? KRAGLIN (O.S.) Um, remember that Ayesha chick? YONDU Yeah, why? Yondu looks out the window where AYESHA’S SQUADRON is SWOOPING OUT OF the cracks in the ceiling all around them. YONDU (CONT’D) Aw, hell. Quill PULLS AWAY from the envoys. But the Sovereign envoys start BLASTING AT THE CRAFT all at once; the LASER LOSES POWER and the VEHICLE TURNS SIDEWAYS - Drax, Mantis, and Gamora GO TUMBLING from the hole in the side. Nebula and Groot grab onto the floor. INT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Gamora, Drax, and Mantis FALL from an incredible height. They LAND - ONE, TWO, THREE - WITH APLOMB. Gamora looks up and sees the Laser Drill CURL behind the Self Chamber as it tries to avoid the envoys’ BLASTERS. INT. SELF CHAMBER/LASER DRILL - DAY Nebula and Groot settle as the ship rights itself and BLASTS PIERCE the ship around them. Quill peers down at Rocket, who has jumped out of his seat and is pouring out the contents of his satchel. 107 © Marvel QUILL Why aren’t you firing the laser?! ROCKET They blew out the generator! I think I packed a small detonator. NEBULA A detonator is worthless without explosives! ROCKET We got these! Rocket shows Nebula the Anulax batteries. Quill leaves the controls to Yondu as he CLIMBS down beside Rocket, now messing with wiring on his BOMB. QUILL Is it strong enough to kill Ego? ROCKET If it is, it will cause a chain reaction throughout his entire nervous system. QUILL Meaning what? ROCKET The entire planet will explode. We’ll have to get out of here fast. I rigged a timer. Rocket stuffs the bomb back in his satchel. Groot climbs on his back. Rocket and Quill slap on their AERO RIGS. QUILL Go! The run and jump out of the laser drill, FLYING ON THEIR AERO RIGS, avoiding the GUNFIRE. The ZOOM towards the blast hole on the side of the self chamber. INT. OPENING OF BLAST HOLE - DAY Rocket and Quill land here, messily, TUMBLING. 108 © Marvel INT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Mantis is worried about something else entirely; the entire chasm begins TREMBLING and the walls start to MUTATE. MANTIS He’s coming. DRAX Didn’t you say you could make him sleep? MANTIS When he wants! He’s too powerful! I can’t! DRAX You don’t have to believe in yourself because I believe in you. They look ahead. They see, on the enormous wall in front of them, the LIGHT-FORM of a giant EGO SCREAMING ANGRILY. His SCREAM becomes a TUNNEL OF ROCKS RUSHING TOWARDS THEM like a train. Mantis sees a nerve bundle on the ground coming from Ego’s Core. Although afraid, she grabs it. MANTIS SLEEP! She SCREAMS with effort and some pain as energy travels through the bundle and into the core, where it darkens. The LIGHT LEAVES THE ROCK FORMATION and it SLAMS into the ground in front of them, SPLASHING DIRT OVER THEM. But they are safe, shivering. Drax and Gamora look at each other. DRAX I never thought she’d be able to do it. With as skinny and weak as she appears to be. Mantis’s arm is TREMBLING. MANTIS I don’t know how long I can hold him! 109 © Marvel GAMORA You need to, girl. If you don’t keep Ego at bay, we all die. INT. OPENING OF BLAST HOLE - DAY Rocket shines a powerful PEN-LIGHT inside the cavity, exposing the interior, spattered with Swiss-cheese-like holes glowing with light. ROCKET The metal is too thick! For the bomb to work we’d actually need to place it on Ego’s core. And our fat butts ain’t gonna fit through those tiny holes. QUILL Well... Quill slowly eyes Groot, who is playing with a leaf on his arm and thinking about something else entirely. ROCKET That’s a terrible idea. QUILL Which is the only kind of idea we got left. Rocket SIGHS. He puts Groot on his back and MOVES with Groot deeper into the blast hole, mumbling to himself: ROCKET Unbelievable. ‘Rocket, do this. Rocket, do that.’ Quill turns toward the opening. PUSH UP AND IN ON QUILL. QUILL Uh, what a day. He jumps out into the fray. INT. PLANET’S HOLLOW - DAY Quill FLIES UP as a ship FLIES in toward him BLASTING, and he’s about to fire back. MAN VS. SPACESHIP. This is most likely the beginning of the biggest, baddest fight scene ever, but instead we CUT TO - 110 © Marvel INT. INSIDE BLAST HOLE - DAY Quiet. Blasts in the deep background. Rocket places a tiny bomb in front of Groot. It is a small, simple device with two switches and two buttons. He explains, very carefully: ROCKET All right. First you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it. And then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get out of there. Whatever you do don’t push this button, because that will set off the bomb immediately, and we’ll all be dead. Now repeat back what I just said. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET Uh huh. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET That’s right. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET No! That’s the button that will kill everyone! Try again. Groot thinks. GROOT I am Groot. Rocket nods. GROOT (CONT’D) I am Groot. Rocket nods. GROOT (CONT’D) I am Groot. 111 © Marvel ROCKET No! That’s exactly what you just said! How is that even possible?! Which button is the button you’re supposed to push?! Point to it. Groot thinks. And he points to the one that will kill everyone. ROCKET (CONT’D) NO!!! QUILL (O.S.) Hey, you’re making him nervous! Rocket runs to see, at the end of the hole, a sliver of the outside as Quill peeks in while SHOOTING at envoys. ROCKET Shut up! And give me some tape! Does anyone have any tape out there!? I want to put some tape over the death button! QUILL I don’t have any tape. Let me check. Quill disappears from the hole. As Rocket waits, he hears, amongst the chaos, faintly - QUILL (O.S.) (CONT’D) Yo, Yondu, do you have any - ow! - do you have any tape?! O.S. GUN BLASTS. We hear VOICES GRUMBLING. Rocket and Groot look around, waiting. Rocket is impatient. He coughs. Groot is like a bored kid in a waiting room. He shifts around and plays with the wires on the bomb. Quill reappears outside the hole, SHOOTING an envoy. QUILL (CONT’D) No one has any tape. ROCKET Not a single person has tape? 112 © Marvel QUILL You have priceless batteries and an atomic bomb in your bag! If anyone had tape it would be you! ROCKET That’s exactly my point! I have to do everything! QUILL Dude, you’re wasting time! Rocket turns back to Groot, who has already taken the bomb and is heading towards the hole. He makes a “WHEEEEEE” sound and smiles brightly as he HOPS into the hole and SLIDES down as if on a water slide. Rocket, heavy-lidded, watches him go. ROCKET We’re all gonna die. INT. PLANET'S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY Yondu and Nebula, in the cockpit, are being overcome as blasts come through the walls. YONDU We’re done for without the generator. Nebula MOANS, frustrated. She flips open a section of the dashboard, then a part of her arm. INT. PLANET'S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY The remaining Sovereign envoys have ENCIRCLED the battered Laser Drill, BLASTING IT TO BITS. Quill FLIES into the Laser Drill, SLAMMING into the wall. AYESHA (ON SHIP) Guardians! Perhaps it will provide you solace that your deaths are not without purpose. Nebula is feeding the wires from the craft into her mechanical arm. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY The actual Ayesha, fitted with the pilot gear, looks at the Laser Drill on the screen. 113 © Marvel AYESHA They will serve as a warning to all of those tempted with betraying us; don’t screw with the Sovereign. INT. PLANET'S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY [Yondu works some switches] The LASERS slide back into the slots all over the ship. YONDU This is gonna hurt. NEBULA Promises, promises. Yondu flips ALL the switches; ALL THE POWER RUNS PAINFULLY OUT OF NEBULA’S BODY INTO THE VEHICLE -- AND THE LASERS BEAM OUT OF THE SHIP IN ALL DIRECTIONS AT ONCE, like a dangerous disco ball, slicing through almost nearly every single ENVOY. INT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY A BEAM ALMOST HITS Drax, but he LEAPS out of the way. Smoke rises from a hole in the ground between him and Mantis. DRAX Hey! INT. PLANET'S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY With flair, Yondu spins the pilot’s wheel, so that the whole rig REVOLVES. Ayesha looks on, in horror as the BEAMS SLICE THROUGH the remaining CRAFT - and one is COMING HER WAY. AYESHA (ON SHIP) NO!! AYESHA’S ENVOY IS RIPPED APART. INT. SOVEREIGN PILOT BAY - DAY [Ayesha SITS BACK. She looks around her at the other pods] all of them are down. AYESHA NO! NOOOOO!! 114 © Marvel INT. PLANET'S HOLLOW/LASER DRILL - DAY Quill sees FLAMING CHUNKS FLY into the rig... And FIRE SPILLING toward the ship’s engine, dripping fuel. QUILL We’re gonna blow! Yondu WHISTLES as the FLAMES HIT THE FUEL - INT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Gamora watches as the ENTIRE LASER DRILL EXPLODES. She is stricken. GAMORA Peter? She sees a tiny body flying from the ship - it’s Nebula, who LANDS across from her on her feet. Gamora looks at her, worried. Nebula gives her what might be a little smile, and looks upward. Gamora follows her line of sight. Quill is FLYING FROM THE EXPLOSION on his aero-rig. Yondu is [holding onto a flying arrow] his one arm up straight, his heels touching. Quill looks at him and SNICKERS. YONDU What? QUILL You look like Mary Poppins. YONDU Is he cool? Quill looks at the man who raised him. He smiles. QUILL Yeah. He’s cool. Yondu looks out at the Guardians as he comes in for a landing. YONDU I’m Mary Poppins, y’all! Quill and Yondu LAND beside Nebula. Gamora sees Quill and MARCHES TOWARD HIM. 115 © Marvel The CAMERA CIRCLES GAMORA AND QUILL, FIERY SHIP FRAGMENTS RAINING DOWN AROUND THEM IN SLOW-MOTION, as if this is the greatest heavy metal video of all time. The other Guardians enter, one by one - Nebula, Drax, Yondu, Rocket FLYING DOWN on his aero-rig, and finally, Mantis, staring forward with concentration until -- A HUGE CHUNK OF SPACESHIP FLIES IN FROM THE SIDE, FLATTENING MANTIS. The others all look down at her in shock. QUILL Oh. Wow. Mantis, UNCONSCIOUS BENEATH a ship fragment, has lost hold of Ego. THE ENTIRE HOLLOW AROUND THEM BEGINS TO RUMBLE. THE GROUND AND WALLS THEMSELVES SHIFT and WAVER. The whole cavity is alive. Drax checks on Mantis. DRAX She’s just unconscious. INT. SELF CHAMBER TUNNELS - DAY Groot RUNS and HOPS through the tunnels. He comes to a crossroads. He sees a COSMIC LIGHT emanating from one tunnel. He dashes off toward it. INT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY QUILL How long before the bomb goes off? ROCKET In the unlikely event Groot doesn’t kill us all, about six minutes. Yondu speaks into the comm on his lapel. YONDU Kraglin. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - DAY Kraglin, NODDING OUT, abruptly wakes. YONDU (O.S.) We need the Quadrant for extraction in T-minus five minutes. 116 © Marvel KRAGLIN Aye, Cap’n! EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Our heroes peer up to see the SURFACE OF THE PLANET UNFOLDING ABOVE THEM, so that THE BRIGHT SKY SHINES THROUGH. QUILL Someone needs to be up top when Kraglin arrives. Drax, take Mantis. Drax nods. He picks up Mantis. Quill grabs the aero-rig off himself and SLAPS it on Drax’s back, which AUTOMATICALLY WRAPS around his upper body. DRAX Ahhh! My nipples! He FLIES UPWARD. The ground around them SPLITS INTO ENORMOUS CRACKS. Gamora sees a CRACK IN THE EARTH RUSHING TOWARD her and Quill, and she turns toward him. And Gamora’s side CRUMBLES AWAY, GAMORA FALLING DOWN with it. QUILL Gamora!! HUGE BURSTS OF EARTH SHOOT UP all around Drax, Yondu, Rocket, and Quill. The planet has formed GIANT TENTACLES THAT HURTLE towards our heroes. EXT. LOWER RIFT - DAY Gamora is PLUMMETING, seemingly to her death, when she looks over and sees Nebula FALLING just behind her. Nebula grabs Gamora’s arm and then grabs onto a passing cliff. They SNAP TO A STOP- OW! - hanging down off the side. Nebula tosses Gamora up onto a flat surface. As Nebula climbs up after her, Gamora looks at her, wary but surprised by this beneficence. NEBULA Oh, get over it. 117 © Marvel EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Quill BLASTS a tentacle. Yondu WHISTLES, the ARROW WEAVING THROUGH TENTACLES around them. Rocket TOSSES a bunch of tiny bombs at some, which they stick to and EXPLODE. But they are by no means winning this fight. EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY The giant Quadrant LOWERS toward the surface. EXT. LOWER RIFT - DAY Gamora looks at Nebula. GAMORA We have to get up to the extraction point! They look over the edge and see a huge RIFT OF LAND RISING QUICKLY. They look at each other and JUMP - They GRAB ONTO THE EDGE of the rising rift, CLUTCHING TO IT as it FLIES upward toward the open space above them. EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY Drax FLIES UP onto the surface; he sees the Quadrant waiting for him there. He DARTS for the ship. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - DAY Kraglin opens the LOADING DOOR EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY But huge swatches of the planet reach up and GRAB onto the Quadrant, YANKING IT DOWN. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - DAY Kraglin, freaking out, throws the thrusters into high gear. I/E. PLANET SURFACE/QUADRANT LOADING BAY - DAY The thrusters FLARE as the massive ship STRUGGLES to free itself from Ego’s tendrils. 118 © Marvel And it does PULL ITSELF UP for a moment, but the tendrils tighten, SLAMMING it back down. The whole Quadrant starts to TIP OVER. Kraglin falls down against the side of the ship. Drax sees the ship FALLING TOWARDS HIM and he RUNS away from it in fear. But he arrives a the edge of a cliff. He crouches as the ship CONTINUES DOWN toward him, about to SQUASH both he and Mantis -- But Kraglin heroically CRAWLS his way back up to the controls as he dangles from them. He pushes on the thrusters, so that the ship goes back upright. Drax turns and again RUNS toward the Quadrant. EXT. PLANET’S HOLLOW - DAY Gamora and Nebula are still rising on the rift when they SLAM into a wall near the opening in the surface of the planet. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Quill turns and sees Ego, in his terrifying SKELETAL LIGHT FORM, STROLLING DOWN TOWARDS HIM as the land around him PARTS LIKE THE RED SEA. As Ego walks, THE DIRT AND MOLECULES AROUND EGO FORM ORGANS IN HIS BODY, piecing himself back together. Quill sees a tentacle SLAM Yondu to the ground and COVER HIS ENTIRE BODY. He turns to see Rocket HOLLERING as he FIRES at tentacles, but they OVERWHELM him. EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY The earth WRAPS AROUND Drax’s legs like quicksand, pulling him and Mantis down into it. EXT. PLANET’S HOLLOW - DAY Gamora and Nebula scramble, trying to CLIMB BACK UP, when TENDRILS WRAP AROUND THEM, stopping them from going further. INT. SELF CHAMBER TUNNELS - DAY The walls are tightening around Groot. He grows his branches to try to stop them, but they aren’t working. 119 © Marvel He begins to CRY, like an actual baby, terrified, on the brink of suffocating. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Ego approaches his son. He is fully formed, and he is more truly “himself.” Alien. Dark eyes and pale skin. EGO I told you I don’t want to do this alone. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY EGO You cannot deny the purpose the universe has bestowed upon you! And once again, the LIGHT TENDRILS STAB THROUGH QUILL’S BACK, thrusting him to his knees. Smaller light tendrils stab into his face and body. And we see the LIGHT being sucked out of Quill and up into the Self Chamber once more as it BURSTS WITH LIGHT. EARTH - EXT. STREET - DAY POLICE OFFICERS and bystanders are in the streets, snapping phone photos, etc, beside the HUGE, STILL SWATCH OF EGO’S LIFEFORM. OFFICER FITZGIBBON Please, everyone. Step back. I need you all to clear the - WEIRD OLD MAN What is that? The LIFEFORM ALIGHTS WITH ENERGY and MOVES again, SPILLING INCREDIBLY QUICKLY towards them. People abandon their cars in traffic as it RUNS OVER THEM. A WOMAN FALLS. People TRAMPLE around her. But an old man’s hands reach in, helping her up. REVEAL GRANDPA QUILL, in his 70’s or 80’s now. GRANDPA QUILL Come on, ma’am. He HELPS the woman into an SUV. 120 © Marvel He SLAMS on the gas, SCREECHING AWAY from the enormous tidal wave of organic light. XANDAR - I/E. STARBLASTER/CITY - DAY EGO’S LIFEFORM smashes down the PARK WALLS and into the street. EGO (O.S) It doesn’t need to be like this Peter EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Ego approaches his son. EGO Why are you destroying our chance?! AAKON - EXT. AAKON CITY - NIGHT AAKONS run from a giant wave behind them. EGO (O.S) Stop pretending you aren’t, what you are! KREE HOMEWORLD - EXT. STEEP HILLSIDE - DAY KREE MONKS run from the cosmic flesh as it pours down the hillside behind them. But it’s too fast, RUSHING OVER THEM. PRIMITIVE PLANET - EXT. WETLANDS - DAY THOUSANDS OF ORLONI are darting in fear across this dusty desert, as it WASHES OVER them. EGO (O.S) One in billions.. ARAGO-7 - EXT. STONY LANDSCAPE - DAY THREE HURCTARIANS run, SCREAMING. EGO (O.S) Trillions, even more! 121 © Marvel EASIK - EXT. FOREST - NIGHT AN EASIK MOTHER clutches her BABY, covering it with her own body, as the spreading lifeform LOOMS UP behind her. She closes her eyes and waits for the worst. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Quill looks up at Ego, barely able to focus, as the molecules form skin over the muscle and skeleton and innards beneath. EGO What greater meaning could life possibly have to offer?! Yondu struggles beneath the tentacle beside Quill. YONDU I don’t use my head to fly the arrow, boy! I use my h - Quill hears this as the earth COVERS Yondu’s face. Quill LOOKS INWARD. And suddenly, everything becomes... QUIET. Tears come to Peter Quill’s eyes as he remember those around him and what they mean to him. And we see his MEMORIES. - YOUNG PETER QUILL AND HIS MOTHER CUDDLED AND LISTENING TO MUSIC ON THE WALKMAN TOGETHER, EACH WITH ONE EAR PIECE. - QUILL AND DRAX LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY ON THE MILANO. - GAMORA AND PETER LOOKING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES AND DANCING ON KNOWHERE. - QUILL AND ROCKET FLYING THROUGH THE SKY ON AERO-RIGS FOR THE FIRST TIME, SMILING AS THE AIR RUSHES THROUGH THEIR HAIR. BABY GROOT CLUTCHES HAPPILY ONTO QUILL’S BACK. - YONDU AND YOUNG QUILL IN THE FOREST. YONDU’S ARM IS ON PETER’S ARM AS HE TEACHES HIM HOW TO SHOOT. Quill looks back up at Ego as we HEAR the gentle chords of FLEETWOOD MAC’S “THE CHAIN” starts echoing throughout the hollow. He clutches his fist and we see the light growing within it. 122 © Marvel Bits of earth begin to ROLL UP AND SCRAMBLE AND SWIRL around Quill’s body, his arms, his legs, as if he’s pulling them towards himself with magnets. And Ego looks confused, as the GROUND QUAKES AROUND HIM. Quill glares at his father, his voice distorting with Celestial thunder. QUILL You shouldn’t have killed my mom and squished my walkman. Ahd a SOLID TORNADO OF EARTH PROPELS QUILL FORWARD. Ego tries to protect himself as Quill SLAMS into him, FLYING UPWARDS WITH HIM -- Quill raises his fist, NOW A GIANT CLUB. And he SMASHES Ego. As Ego loses his concentration -- EXT. PLANET’S SURFACE - DAY A pair of arms are protruding from the surface of the planet, still holding Mantis aloft. The earth falls away, and Drax, who was entirely covered, heaves for breath. EXT. CRACK IN PLANET - DAY The TENDRILS FALL, freeing Gamora and Nebula as they GASP. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Yondu BREAKS THROUGH THE ROCKS around him, drawing in breath. The TENTACLES HOLDING ROCKET ALOFT CRUMBLE, and he looks around, confused. EARTH - EXT. ST. CHARLES, MISSOURI - DAY The WAVE PUSHES UP against the back of Grandpa Quill’s CAMARO and suddenly STOPS: the mountainous plant, a hundred stories high, is up against the back of the car. EASIK - EXT. FOREST - NIGHT The Easik Mother clutching her baby looks behind her; the wave has stopped. She clutches her baby to her chest, relieved. 123 © Marvel INT. SELF CHAMBER TUNNELS - DAY The tunnel around Groot SNAPS BACK to what it was. Once more he can see the light at the tunnel’s end, and one looks like a GIANT BRAIN composed of prismatic light. He RUNS forward. INT. INSIDE BLAST HOLE - DAY Rocket flies up and yells at Groot. ROCKET Groot! Groot, if you can can hear me, hurry up - I’m not sure how long Quill can keep him distracted! INT. SELF CHAMBER CORE - DAY Groot ARRIVES at the end of the tunnel, and stops there. The center of the core holds a huge cosmic placenta, and, within that, EGO’S TRUE SELF, the COSMIC BRAIN. It ROILS FURIOUSLY, the reflection of its fight with Quill, thrashing around within this womb. Although afraid, Groot places the bomb on the placenta. Groot stares at both buttons, scared - he doesn’t know which one to pick. Groot makes a decision on which button to press. He goes to push the death button. Then his finger STOPS just millimeters from the button, TREMBLING. He thinks... And then changes the course of his finger, PUSHING THE CORRECT BUTTON. THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK COMMENCES. Baby Groot turns, terrified, and RUNS. I/E. PLANET SURFACE/QUADRANT LOADING BAY - DAY Drax moves with Mantis into the loading bay. He throws her down and climbs up a ladder. THE CAMERA SWINGS TO GAMORA AND NEBULA, climbing up to the surface in the dirt storm. 124 © Marvel INT. PLANETS HOLLOW - DAY Ego RISES on his own MOLECULAR TORNADO and STRIKES BACK at Quill. He YELLS as he SLAMS Quill against the wall, DRAGGING his face along the wall. He TOSSES Quill into a another wall. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER/PLANET’S HOLLOW - DAY QUILL brings his ARM FILLED WITH LIGHT away from the wall, so that he causes a WAVE OF LIGHT AND ROCK around the interior of the hollow, FLYING TO EGO and knocking him aside. Yondu protects his face as DIRT SWIRLS in the wake of the Quill/Ego battle. Rocket, carrying Groot, FLIES BACK DOWN beside him. ROCKET Yondu! We’re about to blow! YONDU Get to the ship. ROCKET Not without Quill. YONDU You gotta take care of the twig. ROCKET Not without you. YONDU I ain’t done nothing right my whole damn life, rat. You need to give me this. Rocket, hesitantly, nods. He grabs some things from his bag. He hands them to Yondu. ROCKET A space suit and an aero rig. I only have one of each. Yondu nods. Rocket nods too. Rocket starts to go, but STOPS and looks at Yondu. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what. Baby Groot does. 125 © Marvel GROOT I am Groot. YONDU What’s that? ROCKET He says welcome to the frickin’ Guardians of the Galaxy... only he didn’t use ‘frickin’. YONDU Bye, twig. Groot waves. And Rocket FLIES UP toward the surface. Rocket mutters to Groot. ROCKET We’re gonna need to have a discussion about your language. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER/PLANET’S HOLLOW - DAY Ego SLAMS Quill back against a wall. Ego pulls the huge rocks away from the wall, FLYING THEM TOWARDS HIM and BATTERING HIM THERE. Ego and Quill FLY TOWARDS each other. Ego uses the LIGHT TO BRING ROCKS TO HIS BODY, forming a giant AVATAR OF HIMSELF. Quill brings YELLOW ROCKS to his body, forming a GIANT PAC- MAN. Ego’s form flies into Pac-Man’s mouth, so hard there’s a SONIC BOOM. They fall, TUMBLING, still striking one another on the way down. They LAND HARD. INT. SELF CHAMBER CORE - DAY The timer counts down. A minute left. I/E. PLANET SURFACE/QUADRANT LOADING BAY - DAY Gamora and Nebula are caring for Mantis as Rocket and Groot ARRIVE. 126 © Marvel GAMORA Where’s Peter? Rocket doesn’t answer. Or he can’t answer. GAMORA (CONT’D) Rocket, where is he?! Rocket looks down at a timer in his hand. The time is almost there. GAMORA (CONT’D) Rocket?! Rocket, look at me! Where is he?! Rocket just shakes his head a little. But Groot points sadly outside. GAMORA (CONT’D) I’m not leaving without him. Gamora hardens. She stands and SNATCHES A RIFLE off the wall. She COCKS IT. She STARTS OUT the bay door -- When AN ELECTRICAL BLAST HITS HER from behind. She FALLS OVER, unconscious, REVEALING Rocket with his gun. ROCKET I’m sorry. I can only afford to lose one friend today. (into comm) Kraglin, GO! INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - DAY Drax looks uncertain as Kraglin presses thrust. DRAX Wait. Is Quill back? (into comm) Rocket, where’s Quill?! I/E. PLANET SURFACE/QUADRANT LOADING BAY - DAY Rocket looks sadly out the bay door as it CLOSES; Drax’s voice echoes on his comm. DRAX (O.S.) Where’s Quill?! WHERE’S QUILL?! 251 251 127 © Marvel EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Quill and Ego are exhausted, on their knees and leaning against one another like boxers after too many rounds. INT. SELF CHAMBER CORE - DAY The timer reads 00:26 seconds EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Ego reaches for the core.. EGO No, we need to stop it! Quill throws him to the ground. But Ego comes back up, grasping his son’s jacket, pleading with him now. EGO (CONT’D) Listen to me! You are a god! If you kill me, you’ll just be like everyone else! QUILL What’s so wrong with that? Ego looks at his son, scared. EGO NO - INT. SELF CHAMBER CORE - DAY The countdown reaches zero. The brain EXPLODES. I/E. EGO’S NERVOUS SYSTEM - DAY The explosion causes the life forces to BURST THROUGH THE ENTIRE PLANET. EXT. BELOW SELF CHAMBER - DAY Everything around Quill is EXPLODING. He looks down at his hands, where the glow FADES and DISAPPEARS. He gazes up at the mammoth walls around him as they BLOW UP and COLLAPSE. He lowers at head, at peace with the death that’s coming, when, from the side, through the debris -- 128 © Marvel YONDU IS FLYING TOWARDS HIM ON AN AERO-RIG. Yondu GRABS him, almost a tackle, really, LIFTING HIM up and FLYING AWAY. EXT. PLANET'S HOLLOW - DAY As Yondu and Quill FLY UPWARD, the planet EXPLODES behind them, flames licking their heels, huge stretches of the planet caving in. EXT. SKY - DAY Yondu holds a surprised Quill as they SOAR up into the sky, YONDU He may have been your father, boy. But he wasn’t your daddy. QUILL What? YONDU I’m sorry I didn’t do it right. I’m damn lucky you’re my boy. Quill is touched. Yondu SLAPS the SPACESUIT disk onto Quill; THE SHIMMERY SHEATHE COVERS HIM. QUILL What? Yondu breathes out as completely as he can, emptying his lungs. And they EXIT THE PLANET’S ATMOSPHERE, bursting into - EXT. SPACE - OUTER SPACE Quill struggles to get free, but Yondu holds him there, trapping him, but it is also an embrace. The ENTIRE PLANET is COLLAPSING BEHIND THEM. QUILL Yondu, you can’t! What are you doing? What are you doing?! Yondu’s jet pack expires its supply of fuel, and they STOP THERE, in space, FLOATING. Yondu’s grip weakens. Quill turns to face him. QUILL (CONT’D) Yondu. Yondu, no! 129 © Marvel Yondu grabs his son’s face with both hands, looking and touching him with love. QUILL (CONT’D) No. And Yondu’s FACE EXPANDS and his BODY GOES LIMP as he DIES there. And he starts to DRIFT AWAY. Quill grabs onto his shirt. He is CRYING. QUILL (CONT’D) No! And, suddenly, behind Quill, Rocket and Drax PROPEL themselves toward him in aero-rigs, GRABBING him. FADE TO BLACK INT. ECLECTOR CREMATORY - LATER [Yondu’s body lies on a plank here] Various colored cloths are laid in strips over his body and face, yaro lilies beneath him, red-fired pyres and Yondu’s toys all around. Rocket, Groot, Drax, Gamora, Mantis, and Kraglin surround the table. Quill is at the head. He has to say a few words. But it is not easy. QUILL The other day I told Gamora how I used to pretend my dad was David Hasselhoff. Rocket and Drax exchange a look. QUILL (CONT’D) He’s a singer and actor from earth... a really famous guy. Drax nods. QUILL (CONT’D) And, you know, today it struck me. Yondu didn’t have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. And he didn’t have the voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. And both David Hasselhoff and Yondu went on kickass adventures, and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots. (MORE) 130 © Marvel So, the thing is, David Hasselhoff kinda did end up being my Dad after all, only he was Yondu. I had a pretty cool Dad. Quill starts to break down. QUILL (CONT’D) And what I’m trying to say here is, that thing you’re searching for your whole life, sometimes it’s right there by your side all along and you don’t even know it. Gamora sees Nebula, watching from a darkened doorway, before she turns and walks away. She moves after her. Groot looks up at an upset Rocket. GROOT I am Groot? ROCKET Yeah. That’s the friend I was talking about. GROOT I am Groot. ROCKET He did call you ‘twig.’ INT. QUADRANT SMALL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Gamora catches up to Nebula in the hall. GAMORA Nebula. Nebula turns toward her, but she doesn’t look her in the eye. GAMORA (CONT’D) I was just a child. Like you. I was concerned with staying alive until the next day - every day. And I never considered what Thanos was doing to you. I am sorry. Nebula nods. GAMORA (CONT’D) I’m trying to make it right, everything I did. QUILL (CONT’D) (MORE) 131 © Marvel There are little girls like you were - little boys - all over the universe - who are in danger. You can stay with us, and help them. NEBULA I’ll help them by killing Thanos. GAMORA I don’t know if that’s possible. [Nebula shrugs] maybe. She turns to leave. But Gamora grabs her, perhaps too roughly. Nebula turns, ready to snap. And Gamora EMBRACES her. Nebula does not know how to react. GAMORA (CONT’D) You’ll always be my sister. Tears well in Nebula’s eyes and, for just a moment, she embraces her sister back with one hand... Before pushing her away and leaving. INT. ECLECTOR CREMATORY - MOMENTS LATER The Guardians lift Yondu on the plank. A bulbous and rusty crematory is at the center of the room. It doesn’t burn with fire, but a SWIRLING, VIBRANT COSMIC ENERGY. They SLIDE YONDU IN as they watch with sadness and respect as his body is enveloped by the sparkling colors. Quill closes the door on the crematory. As Quill moves away, Kraglin approaches. KRAGLIN Pete. Quill turns toward him. He’s holding something. KRAGLIN (CONT’D) Cap’n found this for you in a junker shop. Said someday you’d come back to the fold. Kraglin puts an MP3 player in his hand. KRAGLIN (CONT’D) It’s called a Zune - what everyone listens to on earth nowadays. It’s got three hundred songs. Quill nods, touched. GAMORA (CONT’D) 132 © Marvel QUILL Wait. Quill holds out Yondu’s arrow. Kraglin’s lip trembles. QUILL (CONT’D) Rocket grabbed the pieces and reassembled them. I think Yondu would want you to have it. KRAGLIN Thank you... Cap’n. EXT. QUADRANT - OUTER SPACE Yondu’s SPARKLING ASHES ARE BLOWN OUT IN SPURTS FROM THE CREMATORY INTO SPACE. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Rocket, Drax, and Mantis are here, watching Yondu’s ashes in the vacuum of space, SWIRLING almost magically. INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - OUTER SPACE Quill sits down on the bed in Yondu’s quarters. He scrolls through selections on the Zune. He comes to “FATHER AND SON” by CAT STEVENS. He PRESSES PLAY. He listens. As he does, Groot crawls up onto the bed, and then onto his lap. Quill offers him one of the ear buds. Groot holds it against his ear, amazed by the clarity of sound. Quill watches him, hearing the beauty of the song more through Groot’s face than the music itself. And they sit there together, listening to the music, a new father and son. INT. M-SHIP - OUTER SPACE Nebula FLIES AWAY, sad, perhaps regretful, but forcing her chin up to brace against what’s to come. INT. QUADRANT SMALL HALLWAY - OUTER SPACE Gamora watches, THROUGH A WINDOW, as Nebula leaves. 133 © Marvel INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Rocket sees something by the ashes. His eyes alight. ROCKET They came. INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS - OUTER SPACE Groot sees COLORFUL FLASHING LIGHTS out of the window. He pulls on Quill’s shirt to show him. They go to get a better view. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE Drax and Rocket see Yondu’s COSMIC ASHES PULSING AND SWIRLING out in space as, one by one, enormous RAVAGER SHIPS arrive around them. They each FLASH SPECIFIC LIGHT SEQUENCES - and, with all the ships together - it looks like fireworks. DRAX What is it? ROCKET I sent word to Yondu’s old Ravager buddies and told them what he did. Quill comes up behind them with Groot, just as Gamora enters. Quill smiles. QUILL It’s a Ravager funeral. INT. HALLWAY - OUTER SPACE Kraglin sees it from here. He SCREAMS with joy, and he slams his fist twice against his chest, a Ravager salute. I/E. RAVAGER FLIGHT DECK 1 - OUTER SPACE STAKAR and Martinex watch him there, moved. MARTINEX He didn’t let us down after all, Cap’n. STAKAR No, he did not, son. He did not. 134 © Marvel I/E. RAVAGER FLIGHT DECK 2 - OUTER SPACE CHARLIE-27, an enormous man, is wistful as he salutes. CHARLIE-27 Fare thee well, old friend. I/E. RAVAGER FLIGHT DECK 3 - OUTER SPACE ALETA is here, tears in her eyes, alcohol in her hand, an ALL- FEMALE RAVAGER CREW around her. ALETA See you in the stars, Yondu Udonta. INT. QUADRANT FLIGHT DECK - OUTER SPACE And the Guardians all watch, enchanted by the majesty. ROCKET He didn’t chase ‘em away. QUILL No. ROCKET Even though he yelled at ‘em. Quill shakes his head. ROCKET (CONT’D) And was always mean. Quill shakes his head. ROCKET (CONT’D) And he stole batteries he didn’t need. Quill is surprised - what? And then he looks at Rocket, a little animal who doesn’t know the rules of how to be any more than a young boy whose tribe sold him into slavery. QUILL Of course not. Baby Groot is on Gamora’s shoulder. He reaches for Drax, who takes him. Baby Groot YAWNS and nuzzles into Drax’s shoulder, falling asleep. Drax lovingly pats his back. Gamora looks at Drax and Groot, and Rocket, and Mantis, taking it all in, this strange family of hers. She turns to Quill, staring at him with love. 135 © Marvel QUILL (CONT’D) What? GAMORA It’s just some unspoken thing. Quill wraps his arm around her and she sinks into him. Mantis smiles and becomes teary and GASPS, overwhelmed, as she looks out the window. MANTIS It’s beautiful. DRAX It is. And so are you. (beat) On the inside. They turn back to the window and they stand there together, our Guardians of the Galaxy, watching the Ravager funeral and the colorful dust of an old friend dance. And the shape of the dust seems to form something very close to an ARROW. Rocket sees this and he cries. THE END (NOT REALLY) RUN CREDITS. “SURRENDER” BY CHEAP TRICK PLAYS. CREDIT BREAK 1 - INT. ECLECTOR HALLWAY - OUTER SPACE SURRENDER is PLAYING HERE. Kraglin has had a version of Yondu’s fin implanted in his head. He looks nervously down at the arrow on the floor. He tries to WHISTLE. It just flips around like a dead fish. He WHISTLES again, and it FLIES UP, hitting a wall, and falls back down again. He WHISTLES again, and it ZIPS AWAY. We HEAR A SCREAM. Kraglin looks around the corner where Drax is sitting, the ARROW IMPALED in his chest, yelling in agony. Kraglin looks around, hoping no one saw him there, and he tries to slink away. 136 © Marvel [MORE CREDITS as SURRENDER CHORUS KICKS IN] Mommy’s all right, Daddy’s all right, they just seem a little weird. END CREDITS - INT. STAKAR’S SHIP - OUTER SPACE Stakar looks sad, serious. STAKAR It’s a shame it takes a tragedy like losing Yondu to bring us all back together. But I think he’d be proud if he knew we were working as a team again. Over Stakar we see this incredibly motley crew - MARTINEX, CHARLIE-27, ALETA, who is holding MAINFRAME (a robotic head in a cage), and the mouthless, wormlike KRUGARR, STAKAR (CONT’D) What say we steal some shit? CHARLIE-27 In. MARTINEX Dope. MAINFRAME I MISSED you guys! Krugarr makes a hex symbol and TWO COLORFUL THUMBS-UP BURST in front of him. ALETA Hell. Yes. END CREDITS - INT. BIRTHING PODS CHAMBER - DAY Ayesha sits on a bench, brooding, disheveled and still furious. The Chambermaid cautiously approaches. CHAMBERMAID High Priestess, the Council is waiting. AYESHA They are perturbed I have wasted our resources. The Chambermaid smiles politely, nods slightly, agreeing in a circumspect manner. Ayesha stares across the way. 137 © Marvel AYESHA (CONT’D) When they see what I have created here, their wrath will dissipate, though it will be some time. The Chambermaid looks where Ayesha is looking. CHAMBERMAID That is not just another birthing pod, ma’am? AYESHA That, my child, is the next step in [our evolution] more powerful, more beautiful, and more capable of destroying the Guardians of the Galaxy. A large, human-sized cocoon stands where Ayesha stares. AYESHA (CONT’D) I think I shall call him... ‘Adam’. BOX OVER CREDITS - INT. GROOT’S BEDROOM - OUTER SPACE Quill is standing in the bedroom doorway, looking down. QUILL Dude, seriously, you got to clean up your room. It’s a complete mess. We REVEAL a gawky ADOLESCENT GROOT, hunched over, playing a video game, in this very messy room. ADOLESCENT GROOT I am Groot. QUILL I’m not boring, man. You’re boring. Once I got stuck on a planet where everyone was just lines and dots. I had to use geometry to get out of prison. Is that boring? Adolescent Groot shakes his head in disdain. QUILL (CONT’D) You know what’s boring? Not doing the dishes. What’s boring is me tripping over your vines everywhere. Adolescent Groot SIGHS. 138 © Marvel QUILL (CONT’D) Drax and I switched pants in the middle of that party last weekend. For no reason other than we’re awesome and very much not boring. Quill starts to walk away then comes back. QUILL (CONT’D) Once I got a venereal disease that made me float for three days... Don’t tell Gamora... it’s dormant, but... If that’s boring then, I guess I’m boring. He looks at him. QUILL (CONT’D) I’m not boring. Groot ROLLS HIS EYES and makes an exasperated sound. QUILL (CONT’D) What’s boring is when you roll your eyes like that at me and make an exasperated sound like I’m an old, boring, stupid idiot. Quill thinks. QUILL (CONT’D) Now I know how Yondu felt. Quill begins to CRY. QUILL (CONT’D) Yondu. CUT TO BLACK. THE END 139 © Marvel

{"title": "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2"}

marvel/pdunton

(Marvel Opening Credits) (Radio transmission sound) (The Marvel Studios Logo plays as usual but this time, at the end of that logo, the background changes from red to black and the I and O in "Studios" become 10 in red. The logo now reads "Marvel Studios". Throughout the logo, an Asgardian is reporting a distress signal.) Asgardian PA: This is the Asgardian refugee vessel Statesman. We are under assault, I repeat, we are under assault - The engines are dead, life support failing. Requesting aid from any vessel within range. We are 22 jump points out of Asgard. (The voice becomes more desperate and pleading) Our crew is made up of Asgardian families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a warcraft. I repeat, this is not a warcraft! (The ship is being hit by missiles.) (Inside the ship, Ebony Maw walks among the bodies of dead Asgardians. Heimdall, badly wounded, reaches out as if he would stop Maw as he passes, but lacks the strength. Maw steps over them with no mind as he speaks, as if they were scattered pieces of dirty clothing on a bedroom floor.) [Ebony Maw] Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the Great Titan.... You may think this is suffering... no. It is salvation. Universal scales tip toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile... (Corvus Glaive stabs one of the lingering Asgardians) for even in death, you have become Children of Thanos. (Loki stands with the Black Order. He watches Thanos, shrouded in darkness and light, a vague silhouette.) [Thanos] (Looking out the large window we saw at the end of Thor: Ragnarok) I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right... yet to fail, nonetheless. (Lifts Thor by the neck of his breastplate. Thor struggles feebly.) It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now, it's here. Or should I say... I AM. (Thanos holds up his hand to reveal the Infinity Gauntlet, which already hosts the violet Power Stone.) [Thor] (Now being held by Thanos with one huge hand wrapping around his head; blood drools from his mouth) You talk too much. [Thanos] (To Loki) The Tesseract, or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference. (The Black Order heft their weapons or smirks, as appropriate.) [Loki] Oh, I do. Kill away! (Thanos' face expresses surprise briefly before presses the gauntlet to Thor's left temple. The Power Stone glows brightly. Thor screams hoarsely.) [Loki] (Starts losing his cool demeanor almost immediately as Thor suffers, and breaks after only a few moments) ALL RIGHT, STOP! [Thor] We don't have the Tesseract. It was destroyed on Asgard. (Loki glances at Thor like he knows something he doesn't. He lifts his right hand into the air and the Tesseract reveals itself.) [Thor] You really are the worst brother. [Loki] (While holding the Tesseract out to Thanos and advancing) I assure you, brother... the sun will shine on us again. [Thanos] Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian. [Loki] Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another... we have a Hulk. (Thanos looks to his right just as a green and very angry mass slams into him. Loki dives for Thor, pulling both of them out of the way as the Tesseract skitters across the floor, and the Hulk charges Thanos. The Hulk pummels Thanos, forcing him backwards and shoving him into the wall of the ship. Maw stops Cull Obsidian from interfering.) [Ebony Maw] Let him have his fun. (Thanos pries the Hulk's hands away; an expression of surprise and fear crosses his green face. After several hard blows, Thanos picks up the Hulk and slams him to the deck, defeated. Thor slams a metal bar across Thanos' back to no avail, is kicked across the deck by Thanos and is promptly bound in metal debris by Ebony Maw to keep him from interfering further.) [Heimdall] (Prays) Allfathers… let the dark magic flow through me one last... time. (Heimdall summons the Bifrost, which carries the Hulk away; he meets Thor's eye.) [Thanos] That was a mistake. (Thanos borrows Corvus's glaive and stabs Heimdall through the heart, twisting the blade in the wound.) [Thor] NO!!! (After Thanos kills Heimdall) You're going to die for that! [Ebony Maw] (Shuts Thor's mouth with his telekinesis) Shh. [Ebony Maw] (Kneels before Thanos, offering up the Tesseract) My humble personage… bows before your grandeur. No other being has ever had the might, nay the nobility, to wield not one, but two Infinity Stones. The universe lies within your grasp. (Thanos crushes the Tesseract, revealing the blue Space Stone. He blows some of the fractals away, fingering the Stone between his thumb and index, before placing it on the gauntlet, and is momentarily rocked by the surge of energy that pulses as the stone seats in its setting.) [Thanos] There are two more Stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan. [Proxima Midnight] (Kneeling) Father, we will not fail you. [Cull Obsidian] We're going to New York City and We will tear The Avengers Apart and Smash! Once and for all, my lord. [Loki] (Emerging from behind the Black Order) (cheerfully) If I might interject… if you're going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena. [Thanos] (Unimpressed) If you consider failure experience. [Loki] I consider experience, experience. Almighty Thanos, I... Loki... Prince of Asgard... (looks significantly at Thor) Odinson... the rightful King of Jotunheim... God of Mischief... do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity. (Thor squints and notices a dagger materialize in Loki's hand. Loki braces himself, thrusts upward with lightning speed and attempts to stab Thanos, but is frozen in place by the Space Stone's power before the point could strike home.) [Thanos] "Undying?" You should choose your words more carefully. (Thanos twists the dagger out of Loki's hand with his right hand, then takes hold of Loki's neck with the gauntlet and lifts him to eye level. Loki struggles, kicking, as his throat is squeezed. He makes eye contact with Thor before he increases his force on Loki's neck.) [Loki] (Giving up on fighting against Thanos) You will... never be... a god. (Thanos crushes Loki's neck, killing him.) [Thor] (Muffled) NO! [Thanos] (Walks over and drops Loki's body in front of Thor.) No resurrections this time. (Thanos raises the gauntlet, sends violet Power fire through the remains of the Statesman, and uses the Space Stone to teleport away with the Black Order.) [Thor] No… Loki…. (Thor is released from his bonds. He crawls over to Loki's body -- which, unlike in The Dark World, has not returned to its Jotun form -- and lays his head down on Loki's chest, shedding tears for all that he has lost. The ship explodes.) (The Bifrost continues its journey, bringing the Hulk across space to Earth.) (Sanctum Sanctorum, New York City) (Doctor Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts, proceeds down the main steps of the Sanctum with Wong.) [Stephen Strange] (Dressed in casual American clothes.) Seriously? You don't have any money? [Wong] (Dressed as Wong is always dressed.) Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual. [Stephen Strange] I'll tell the guys at the deli. (Wryly) Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham on rye. [Wong] Oh, wait, wait, wait, I think I have 200. [Stephen Strange] Dollars? [Wong] Rupees. [Stephen Strange] Which is? [Wong] Uh, buck and a half. [Stephen Strange] What do you want? [Wong] I wouldn't say no to a tuna melt. (Bruce crash-lands through the Sanctum stairs. The Cloak of Levitation swirls around Strange's shoulders immediately.) [Bruce Banner] Thanos is coming. He's coming... [Stephen Strange] (Sharing a look with Wong, and now fully in his mage attire) Who? (Title Screen: Avengers: Infinity War) (Public Park, New York City, day. Tony Stark and Pepper Potts walk on having a conversation.) [Tony Stark] Slow down, slow down. I'm totally not kidding. [Pepper Potts] (Laughing slightly and talking over him) You're totally rambling. [Tony Stark] (Also talking over her) No, I'm not. [Pepper Potts] Lost me. [Tony Stark] Look, you know how you're having a dream, and in the dream you gotta pee? [Pepper Potts] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Okay, and then you're like, 'Oh my god, there's no bathroom, what am I gonna do?', 'Oh! Someone's watching,' ''m gonna go in my pants.' [Pepper Potts] Right. And then you wake up, and in real life you actually have to pee. [Tony Stark] Yes. [Pepper Potts] Yeah. Everybody has that. [Tony Stark] Right! That's the point I'm trying to make. Apropos of that, last night, I dreamt, we had a kid. So real. We named him after your eccentric uncle. Uh, what was his name? [Pepper Potts] (Nodding in understanding) Right. [Tony Stark] Morgan! Morgan. [Pepper Potts] So you woke up, and thought that we were... [Tony Stark] Expecting. [Pepper Potts] Yeah. [Tony Stark] (Becoming excited) Yes? [Pepper Potts] (Shaking her head) No. [Tony Stark] I had a dream about it. It was so real. [Pepper Potts] If you wanted to have a kid, you wouldn't have done that. (Pepper unties his jacket sleeves and taps Tony's chest attachment.) [Tony Stark] I'm glad you brought this up, 'cause it's nothing. It's just a housing unit for nano particles. [Pepper Potts] It's not helping your case, OK? [Tony Stark] No, no, it's an attachment, it's not a- [Pepper Potts] (Insistently) You don't need that. [Tony Stark] I know. I had the surgery. I'm just trying to protect us. The future uses, and that's it. Just in case there's a monster in the closet, instead of, you know... [Pepper Potts] Shirts? [Tony Stark] You know me so well. You finish all my sentences. [Pepper Potts] You should have shirts in your closet. [Tony Stark] Yeah. You know what there should be? No more surprises. We're gonna have a nice dinner tonight. Show off this Harry Win-stone. Right? And we should have no more surprises. Ever. I should promise you. [Pepper Potts] Yes. [Tony Stark] I will. (Tony kisses Pepper.) (Doctor Strange comes through a portal.) [Stephen Strange] Tony Stark, I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. I need you to come with me. Oh, uh, congratulations on the wedding, by the way. (Tony and Pepper are understandably shocked.) [Tony Stark] I'm sorry, you giving out tickets or something? Stephen Strange:We need your help. Look, it's not overselling to say that the fate of the universe is at stake. [Tony Stark] And who's "we"? [Bruce Banner] (Emerges from behind Doctor Strange) Hey, Tony. [Tony Stark] (Looking surprised) Bruce. [Bruce Banner] Pepper. [Pepper Potts] Hi. [Tony Stark] You okay? (Bruce gives Tony a desperate hug, not answering. After everything he has been through, we understand.) (Back at the Sanctum Sanctorum.) [Wong] (Using magic to show the universe and five out of six Infinity Stones.) From the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, boom! The Big Bang sent six elemental crystals, hurtling across the virgin universe. These Infinity Stones each control an essential aspect of existence. [Stephen Strange] (Each Stone lights up as Dr. Strange names them.) Space. Reality. Power. Soul. Mind. And Time. (Dr. Strange opens the Eye of Agamotto, revealing the Time Stone emitting emerald light.) [Tony Stark] (Very attentive) Tell me his name again. [Bruce Banner] Thanos. He's a plague, Tony. He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki. The attack on New York. That's him. [Tony Stark] (Speaking to himself) This is it... What's our timeline? [Bruce Banner] No telling. He has the Power and Space Stones, that already makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. If he gets his hands, on all six Stones, Tony... [Stephen Strange] He can destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of. [Tony Stark] (Leans against a cauldron, stretching like he's about to go for a run.) Did you seriously just say "hitherto undreamt of"? [Stephen Strange] Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos? [Tony Stark] Is that what this is.... ? (The Cloak of Levitation smacks Tony's arm, surprising him.) [Tony Stark] (Looking offended) (Straightening himself) I'm going to allow that. If Thanos needs all six, why don't we just stick this one down the garbage disposal? [Stephen Strange] No can do. [Wong] We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone. With our lives. [Tony Stark] And I swore off dairy, but then, Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me, so.... [Stephen Strange] Stark Raving Hazelnuts. [Tony Stark] It's not bad. [Stephen Strange] A bit chalky. [Wong] A Hunka-Hulka Burning Fudge is our favorite. [Bruce Banner] That's a thing? [Tony Stark] Whatever. Point is: things change. [Stephen Strange] Our oath to protect the Time Stone cannot change. This Stone may be the best chance we have against Thanos. [Tony Stark] And still conversely, it may also be his best chance against us. [Stephen Strange] Well, if we don't do our jobs. [Tony Stark] (Slightly condescending) What is your job exactly, besides making balloon animals? [Stephen Strange] (Completely calm) Protecting your reality, douchebag. (You seriously can't tell who's sarcasm is better.) [Bruce Banner] Okay, guys, could we table this discussion right now? The fact is that we have this Stone. We know where it is. Vision is out there somewhere with the Mind Stone, and we have to find him now. [Tony Stark] (Awkwardly) Yeah, that's the... thing. [Bruce Banner] What do you mean? [Tony Stark] Two weeks ago, Vision turned off his transponder. He's offline. [Bruce Banner] What? Tony, you lost another super bot? [Tony Stark] I didn't lose him. He's more than that. He's evolving. [Stephen Strange] Who could find Vision, then? [Tony Stark] (Quietly to himself) Shit. (To the other men in a normal tone) Probably Steve Rogers. [Stephen Strange] (Sighing in exasperation) Oh, great. [Tony Stark] Maybe. But... (Sighs) [Bruce Banner] (Missing the events of the Avengers' Civil War) Call him. [Tony Stark] It's not that easy. God, we haven't caught up in a spell, have we? [Bruce Banner] No. [Tony Stark] The Avengers broke up. We're toast. [Bruce Banner] (Rather surprised and slightly let-down) Broke up? Like a band? Like The Beatles? [Tony Stark] Cap and I fell out hard. We're not on speaking terms. [Bruce Banner] (Almost pleading) Tony, listen to me. Thor's gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn't matter who you're talking to or not. (Tony hesitates, before pulling out the cellular phone Steve mailed him, muttering 'flip phone'. It seems as though he brings it everywhere, always ready to call his lost friend. Before clicking "Call", he pauses, distracted by an unusual rumbling.) [Tony Stark] Say, Doc, you wouldn't happen to be moving your hair, would you? [Stephen Strange] (Looking up at his forelock fluttering) Not at the moment, no. (Tony looks at the Hulk-made opening through the ceiling and sees debris flying by outside. He exits the Sanctum through the front door and scans the chaotic surroundings, the camera shaking around in this following long take to illustrate the chaos -- people running and screaming in alarm, traffic becoming impossibly tangled, a litter-filled wind like a nor'easter's. A woman falls nearly at his feet and he helps her up.) [Tony Stark] You okay? (The woman ignores him and runs away. A car crashes in on a pole behind Tony.) [Tony Stark] Help him! Wong, Doc. [Bruce Banner] Go! Got it! [Tony Stark] (Putting on his sunglasses) F.R.I.D.A.Y., what am I looking at? [F.R.I.D.A.Y.] Not sure, I'm working on it. [Tony Stark] Hey! You might wanna put that Time Stone in your back pocket, Doc! [Stephen Strange] (Bands of spells are readied around his forearms) Might wanna use it. (A mechanical hum grows louder as Tony approaches the intersection. As he turns the corner, he sees a huge circular ship floating over Bleecker Street.) (On a school bus, the hairs on Peter Parker's arms stand up. He looks out the window and sees the ship.) [Peter Parker] (Tapping his best friend in the seat in front of him) Ned, hey. I need you to cause a distraction. [Ned Leeds] (Turns around and sees the spaceship) Holy shit! We're all gonna die! There's a spaceship! (Students scramble to the windows in the back to see the spaceship.) (Peter quickly slides on one of his Stark-made webshooters, and webs the emergency exit lever on the opposite side of the bus.) [School Bus Driver, Stan Lee] What's the matter with you kids? You've never seen a spaceship before? (Peter jumps out the window, clinging to the side of the bus and pulling on his mask before leaping over the side of the bridge, shooting a web-line and swinging free. He makes his way hastily towards the ship.) [Tony Stark] F.R.I.D.A.Y., evac anyone south of 43rd Street, notify first responders. [F.R.I.D.A.Y.] Will do. (Doctor Strange throws the Winds of Watoomb over Bleeker Street, and winks at Tony. The dust clears. Tony is begrudgingly amused for a split second.) (Then Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian exit the ship by transmat.) [Ebony Maw] Hear me, and rejoice. You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributing to... [Tony Stark] (Echoing the familiarly defiant 2008 Tony Stark) I'm sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here. [Ebony Maw] (Looks at Doctor Strange) Stonekeeper... (Gestures to Tony) Does this chattering animal speak for you? [Stephen Strange] Certainly not. I speak for myself. (Magical shields are readied with his fists, stepping forward.) But you’re trespassing in this city and on this planet. (Wong emulates him.) [Tony Stark] It means get lost, Squidward! [Ebony Maw] He exhausts me. [Cull Obsidian] (Two untranslated syllables) [Ebony Maw] Bring me the Stone. [Cull Obsidian] (Three untranslated syllables) (He drops his huge alien hammer and drags it along as he obeys his brethren.) [Tony Stark] Banner, you want a piece? [Bruce Banner] No, not really, but when do I ever get what I want? [Tony Stark] That's right. (Bruce attempts to release the Hulk. Instead of Hulk coming out easily, the most that turns green is Bruce's neck.) [Tony Stark] Been a while. Good to have you, buddy. [Bruce Banner] I just... I need to concentrate here for one second. Come on, come on, man. [Tony Stark] Where's your guy? [Bruce Banner] I don't know. We've sort been havin' a thing. [Tony Stark] There's no time for a thing. [Bruce Banner] I know. [Tony Stark] (Points at the approaching Obsidian) That's the thing right there. Let's go. (Bruce gives out a loud grunt, but fails to release the Hulk. Doctor Strange stares at Tony and Bruce in disbelief.) [Tony Stark] (Glances at Doctor Strange) Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards. [Bruce Banner] Tony, I'm sorry. (Stammers) Either I can't or he won't-- [Tony Stark] It's okay. Hey, stand down. (to Wong) Keep an eye on him. Thank you. [Wong] I have him. [Bruce Banner] Damn it. (As Cull Obsidian approaches the team, Tony dons his nanotech Iron Man suit in the space of three steps. He grows a shield on one arm to protect himself, then grows a set of blasters that easily throw the Dwarf back to Maw, who gestures and deflects his massive companion into some cars.) [Bruce Banner] Where'd that come from? [Tony Stark] It's nano-tech. You like it? A little someth-- (Ebony Maw creates a spike of earth that throws Iron Man far up, and attacks the rest of the team with uprooted trees and other debris. Wong summons the Shield of the Seraphim.) [Stephen Strange] Dr. Banner, if the rest of your green friend won't be joining us.... (Doctor Strange teleports Bruce to a nearby park along with half a taxi. Iron Man returns and joins the fight, pushing a car thrown by Maw back at him. Maw cuts it in half and lets the pieces fly past him, untouched.) [Tony Stark] Gotta get that stone outta here, now. [Stephen Strange] It stays with me. [Tony Stark] Exactly. Bye. (Iron Man flies through Ebony Maw's obstacle course but is cut short by Cull Obsidian's hammer, sending him through a building and into the park at high speed, plowing into the ground and fetching up against a tree.) [Bruce Banner] (Rushing over to Iron Man) Tony, you okay? How we doing? Good? Bad? [Tony Stark] Really, really good. Really good. Do you plan on helping out? [Bruce Banner] I'm trying. He won't come out. (Cull Obsidian arrives at the park and throws his hammer at Bruce and Iron Man.) [Tony Stark] Hammer. (Pushes Bruce out of the way.) (Iron Man's energy beam deflects off Cull Obsidian's shield, slicing down trees. Bruce barely evades one.) [Bruce Banner] (Crawling out from under the branches. Desperate and confused) Come on, Hulk. What are you doing to me? (Starts slapping himself multiple times) Come out! Come out! Come out! [Hulk] (Half of Bruce's face becomes the Hulk.) Nooooooo! (Bruce falls back exhausted into his tree.) [Bruce Banner] What do you mean, "no"?! (Iron Man is knocked down by Obsidian, who is about to deliver a decisive blow, but the alien's hammer is easily caught by Spider-Man.) [Peter Parker] Hey, man. What's up, Mr. Stark? [Tony Stark] Kid, where'd you come from? [Peter Parker] Field trip to MoMA. (Cull Obsidian grabs Spider-Man and throws him away.) [Peter Parker] What is this guy's problem, Mr. Stark? [Tony Stark] He's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard. (Wong and Doctor Strange fight Maw. Maw lifts several bricks from the ground and turns them into sharp points. He sends them towards Wong and Doctor Strange. The two make portals and boomerang them back towards Maw. Maw moves a car to protect himself, but one spike still hits his head, creating a cut. Angered, Maw uses a broken fire hydrant's water stream to knock Wong back several meters, rendering him unconscious.) (Doctor Strange snaps a whip of magical energy to bind Maw's hands and yanks, but Maw flies forward with the pull and pins Doctor Strange upside-down against a building, using the bricks to trap the Sorcerer Supreme.) [Ebony Maw] Your powers are quaint. You must be popular with children. (Maw tries to grab the amulet holding the Time Stone but jerks back when it burns his hand.) [Stephen Strange] It's a simple spell but quite unbreakable. [Ebony Maw] (Vehemently) Then I'll take it off your corpse. (Maw pulls Doctor Strange away from the building and throws him to the ground. Doctor Strange starts the gestures to use the Eye of Agamotto, but utility cables first pin Doctor Strange's arms, interrupting the spell and closing the Eye, while another cable winds around his torso, then tightens around his throat.) [Stephen Strange] You'll find... removing a dead man's spell... troublesome. [Ebony Maw] You'll only wish you were dead. (Doctor Strange falls unconscious and to the ground; Maw raises a portion of street pavement to use as a carrier, but the Cloak of Levitation works its master loose of the cable spiral and flies Doctor Strange away.) NO! [Tony Stark] (Still fighting Cull Obsidian, as Doctor Strange passes through the park.) Kid, that's the wizard. Get on it. [Peter Parker] On it! (Spider-Man chases Ebony Maw, floating speedily and upright on a small platform of burbling debris leaving a deep rut in the streets, who in turn chases the Cloak-driven Doctor Strange through Manhattan; Maw attacks him, throwing a Rocket Mortgage billboard at Spider-Man to be rid of him.) [Peter Parker] (Untangles himself) Not cool! (Maw bends all the utility poles in the path of the fleeing Cloak, finally snagging the loyal garment and ripping it loose of its master. Spider-Man scoops up Doctor Strange before he hits the pavement, but before he can get away with the unconscious Doctor Strange, a cone of blue light starts pulling the mage inexorably upwards. Spider-Man grabs a light pole to anchor himself, but Maw uproots it, sending Doctor Strange, Cloak and teenager on their way to his ship.) [Peter Parker] Uhhh, Mr. Stark? I'm being beamed up! [Tony Stark] Hang on, kid. (Cull Obsidian's hammer doubles as a claw, pinning Iron Man to the ground and shorting his suit. As Obsidian jumps towards Iron Man, blades ready to end this fight, he is sent through a portal instead. The alien turns and leaps to return the same way, but Wong closes it rapidly -- only Obsidian's severed hand makes it back to the park. Bruce kicks the hand away with a noise of disgust.) [Tony Stark] (Iron Man shakes himself free of the Dwarf's weapon, now powerless.) Wong, you're invited to my wedding. (Iron Man begins to fly towards the large ship) Give me a little juice, F.R.I.D.A.Y. (Iron Man's foot thrusters morph together into a single larger jet and increase his speed considerably.) (Ebony Maw walks towards the controls of the ship, Doctor Strange's unconscious body floating face-down behind him, and prepares to leave Earth's atmosphere.) [Tony Stark] (Still in pursuit of the ship and his protege.) Unlock 17-A. (A pod launches from the upstate Avengers headquarters and curves up to the accelerating circular ship.) Pete, you gotta let go. I'm gonna catch you. [Peter Parker] But you said save the wizard! (Spider-Man, gasping from lack of oxygen, pulls off his mask) I can't breathe! [Tony Stark] You're too high up. You're running out of air. [Peter Parker] Yeah! That makes sense. (Peter passes out, free-falling, but not for long before the pod reaches him. It attaches itself to him, becoming the Iron Spider suit. Now being able to breathe, Spider-Man lands on a bottom part of the ship, standing up heroically.) [Peter Parker] Mr. Stark, it smells like a new car in here! [Tony Stark] Happy trails, kid. F.R.I.D.A.Y, send him home. [F.R.I.D.A.Y.] Yep. (A large parachute extends from the new suit, snatching Spider-Man free of the ship's hull and him spiraling back to Earth.) [Peter Parker] OH, COME ON! (Iron Man latches onto the hull and cuts a hole to board the ship, looking for wherever Strange and Ebony Maw went.) [F.R.I.D.A.Y.] Boss, incoming call from Miss Potts. [Pepper Potts] (Sounding heavily worried) Tony? Oh, my God. Are you all right? What's going on? [Tony Stark] Yeah, I'm fine. I just think we might have to push our 8:30 res. [Pepper Potts] Why? [Tony Stark] (While looking at the ship around him) Just 'cause I'll... probably not make it back for a while. [Pepper Potts] Tell me you're not on that ship. [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Pepper Potts] God, no. Please tell me you're not on that ship. [Tony Stark] Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. [Pepper Potts] Come back here, Tony. I swear to God…. [Tony Stark] Pep…. [Pepper Potts] Come back here right now! Come back! [F.R.I.D.A.Y.] Boss, we're losing her. I'm going, too…. (Spider-Man is revealed to have managed to shoot a web to the outside of the ship, foiling his parachute, and clambers inside a slowly-closing chamber.) [Peter Parker] Oh my God! (Looks at the rapidly-receding planet behind him) I should have stayed on the bus.... (Ebony Maw, hands engaged in the ship's steering mechanism, accelerates into hyperspace.) (Meanwhile, back in New York) (Bruce finds Tony's flip-phone in the debris on the street and picks it up thoughtfully. Wong opens up a portal back to the Sanctum.) [Bruce Banner] Where you going? [Wong] The Time Stone's been taken. The Sanctum remains unguarded. What will you do? [Bruce Banner] (Holding Rogers' cell phone) I'm gonna make a call. (Wong nods in understanding and closes the portal, not to be seen again for the rest of the movie. Banner holds Steve Rogers' cell phone and makes a call.) (Screen title: SPACE) (Camera pans around a brightly colored planet with ice rings to the Benatar. The Guardians of the Galaxy are travelling to investigate a distress call to the tune of "Rubberband Man".) [Peter Quill] (Chair-dancing to the song) Sing it, Drax! (Drax is snoring with his mouth open from his seat in front of Quill. Gamora lip-syncs with the song along with Quill.) [Rocket] (Yawns) Why are we doing this again? [Gamora] (Annoyed) It's a distress signal, Rocket. Someone could be dying. [Rocket] I get that, but why are we doing it? [Peter Quill] 'Cause we're nice. And maybe whoever it is will give us a little cheddar cheese (Quill rubs his thumb against his other fingers) for our help. [Gamora] (Waves her index finger at Quill) Which isn't the point. [Peter Quill] (Points back at Gamora) Which isn't the point... I mean… if he doesn't pony up…. [Drax] We'll take his ship. [Rocket] Exactly! [Peter Quill] B-b-b-bingo! (Gamora looks up at Quill in concern. Quill returns her look and grimaces a "don't worry about it" expression at her.) [Mantis] (Reading her console) We are arriving. [Peter Quill] All right, Guardians. Don't forget, this might be dangerous, so let's put on our mean faces. (Groot rolls his eyes as Mantis makes a snarl. Groot's handheld Terran-vintage video game beeps.) Groot, put that thing away. Now. I don't wanna tell you again. (Game continues beeping) Groot. [Groot] (In a mocking tone) I am Groot! (Translation: Shut up, bitch!) [Peter Quill] Whoa! [Rocket] Language! [Gamora] Hey! [Drax] Wow. [Peter Quill] You got some acorns on you, kid. [Rocket] Ever since you got a little sap, you're a total d-hole. Keep it up, and I'm gonna SMASH THAT THING TO PIECES! (Groot rolls his eyes.) (The Benatar decelerates, and Thanos' devastation suddenly covers the Guardians' field of view, revealing the distress signal to be the one from the Asgardian vessel at the beginning of the movie. Bodies are seen floating dead in space along with the pieces of the shredded ship.) [Mantis] What happened? [Rocket] Looks like we're not getting paid. (With a thump, Thor's body is plastered to the hull of the ship.) [Rocket] (Waving his hands) Wipers! Wipers! Get it off! (Thor’s eye opens; all gasp.) (Cut to the Guardians settling the still-unconscious Thor onto an examination table.) [Peter Quill] How the hell is this dude still alive? [Drax] (Sounding awed) He is not a dude. You're a dude. This... this is a man. A handsome, muscular man. [Peter Quill] (A little dented) I'm muscular. [Rocket] Who are you kidding, Quill? You're one sandwich away from fat. [Peter Quill] Yeah, right. [Drax] It's true. You have gained a little weight…. (Drax motions to his chin and belly.) (Gamora leaves Quill's side at Thor's right, and circles around the foot of the table.) [Peter Quill] What? Gamora, do you think I'm… [Mantis] He is anxious. Angry. He feels tremendous loss and guilt. [Drax] It's like a pirate had a baby with an angel. [Peter Quill] Wow. This is a real wake-up call for me. Okay. I'm gonna get a Bow-flex. I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna get some dumbbells. [Rocket] You know you can't eat dumbbells, right? [Gamora] (Reaches Drax's side and picks up Thor's left arm, stroking his triceps) It's like his muscles are made of Cotati metal fibers. [Peter Quill] (Snidely to Gamora) Stop massaging his muscles. (Gamora, annoyed, drops the arm with a thump; quietly to Mantis) Wake him up. [Mantis] (Places hand on Thor's forehead) Wake. (Thor awakens, sitting up violently and throwing himself off the table to stumble a few steps away, then turning to see his hosts all pointing their weapons of choice at him; Groot is still playing his game.) [Thor] Who the hell are you guys? (Cut to later as the Guardians stand around Thor eating soup.) [Gamora] The entire time I knew Thanos, he only ever had one goal: To bring balance to the Universe by wiping out half of all life. He used to kill people planet by planet, massacre by massacre.... [Drax] Including my own. [Gamora] If he gets all six Infinity Stones, he can do it with the snap of his fingers, like this. (She snaps her fingers.) [Thor] You seem to know a great deal about Thanos. [Drax] Gamora... is the daughter of Thanos. [Thor] Your father killed my brother. (Thor stands and strides towards Gamora aggressively.) [Peter Quill] Oh, boy. Stepfather. Technically, she hates him as much as you do. (Thor softens a bit.) [Thor] Families can be tough. (He claps a hand on Gamora's shoulder) Before my father died, he told me I had a half-sister... that he imprisoned in Hel. Then she returned home, and stabbed me in the eye, so... I had to kill her. It's life, isn't it, I guess. Goes round and round and... I feel your pain. (Peter glares at Thor's hand on Gamora's shoulder, on the verge of full snarl, and moves around her to push between her and Thor.) [Peter Quill] And I feel your pain, as well. I mean it's not a competition, but I've been through a lot. My father killed my mother, then I had to kill my father. And that was hard. Probably even harder than having to kill a sister. Plus, I, came out of it with both of my eyes-- [Thor] (Not paying attention as he stares at his soup spoon) I need a hammer, not a spoon…. (He attempts to fiddle with machinery) How do I open this thing? Is there some sort of a four-digit code maybe… maybe a birth date or something…. [Peter Quill] What are you doing? [Thor] Taking your pod. [Peter Quill] (Clears his throat then deepens his voice) No, you're not! (Mimics Thor’s accent) You'll not, be taking our pod today, sir. [Rocket] Quill. Are you making your voice deeper? [Peter Quill] No. [Drax] You are. You're imitating the god-man. It's weird. [Peter Quill] No I'm not. [Mantis] (Gasp) He just did it again! [Peter Quill] This is my voice! [Thor] (Steps closer to Quill) Are you mocking me? [Peter Quill] Are you mocking me? [Thor] Stop it. You did it again. [Peter Quill] He's trying to copy me. [Thor] Would you stop doing that? He's doing it first. [Gamora] Enough! We need to stop Thanos. Which means we need to find out where he's going next. [Thor] Knowhere. [Mantis] He must be going somewhere. [Peter Quill] (Voice now normal) No. Knowhere? It's a place. We've been there. It sucks. Excuse me, that's our food. (To Thor as he rummages through their food stores.) [Thor] Not anymore. [Gamora] Thor… why would he go to Knowhere? [Thor] Because for years, the Reality Stone has been safely stored, there with a man we call the Collector. [Peter Quill] If it's with the Collector, then it's not safe. Only an idiot would give that man a stone. [Thor] Or a genius. [Gamora] (To Thor) How do you know he's not going for one of the other Stones? [Thor] There's six stones out there. (Finishes rummaging and steps in front of Gamora) Thanos already has the Power Stone because he stole it last week, when he decimated Xandar. He stole the Space Stone from me when he destroyed my ship and slaughtered half my people. The Time and Mind Stones are safe on Earth. They're with the Avengers. [Peter Quill] The 'Avengers'? [Thor] (By way of explanation.) Earth's Mightiest Heroes. [Mantis] Like Kevin Bacon? [Thor] (Pause) He may be on the team. I don't know. Haven't been there in a while. As for the Soul Stone, well, no one's ever seen that. No one even knows where it is. Therefore, Thanos can't get it. Therefore, he's going to Knowhere. Hence, he'll be getting the Reality Stone. You're welcome. [Gamora] Then we have to go to Knowhere now. [Thor] Wrong! Where we have to go, is Nivadellir. [Drax] That's a made up word. [Thor] All words are made up. (It's official: mind blown.) [Rocket] Hold up, Nidavellir is real? (Climbing on to the table) Seriously? I mean, that place is a legend. (Increasingly gleeful) They make the most powerful, horrific weapons to ever torment the Universe. I would very much like to go there, please. [Thor] The rabbit is correct, and clearly the smartest among you. [Rocket] Rabbit? [Thor] Only Eitri the dwarf king can make me the weapon I need. (To Rocket) I assume you're the captain, sir? [Rocket] You're very perceptive. [Thor] You seem like a noble leader. Will you join me on my quest to Nidavellir? [Rocket] Lemme just ask the captain. Oh, wait a second, it's me! Yeah, I'll go. [Thor] Wonderful. [Peter Quill] Except for that I'm the captain. [Thor] Quiet! [Peter Quill] That's my backpack. [Rocket] Go sit down. [Peter Quill] (To Thor) Look, this is my ship. And I'm not goin' to… (gropes for "Nidavellir") Wait, what kind of weapon are we talking about here? [Thor] The Thanos killing kind. [Peter Quill] Don't you think that we should all have a weapon like that? [Thor] No. You simply lack the strength to wield them. Your bodies will crumble as your minds collapse into the madness. [Rocket] Is it weird that I wanna do it even more now? [Thor] A little bit. Yeah. [Gamora] If we don't go to Knowhere and Thanos retrieves another stone, he'll be too powerful to stop. [Thor] He already is. [Rocket] I got it figured out. We got two ships, and a large assortment of morons. So me and Groot will go with the pirate-angel here, and the morons will go to Knowhere to try and stop Thanos. Cool? Cool. [Thor] So cool. (Smiles a big grin.) [Peter Quill] (To Rocket) For the record… I know that you're only going with him because it's where Thanos isn't. [Rocket] You know, you shouldn't talk that way to your captain, Quill. (As he enters the pod) Come on, Groot. Put that game down, you'll rot your brain. [Thor] I bid you farewell and good luck, morons. Bye. (The Guardians nod or wave farewell as Thor, Rocket and Groot depart. Cut to Scotland, where Vision and Wanda Maximoff are sharing a room. Wanda is in bed while Vision, in a human glamour, watches out a window.) (High-pitched trilling) [Vision] (Gasps and holds his hand to the Mind Stone in pain.) [Wanda Maximoff] Vis? Is it the stone again? [Vision] It's as if it's speaking to me. [Wanda Maximoff] What does it say? [Vision] I don't... I don't know. But something... (The stone trills again and Vision flinches. Wanda takes his face in her hands. Vision turns his head so he can kiss her left palm, then presses Wanda's hand to the Mind Stone.) [Vision] Tell me what you feel. (Wanda gestures, her hand emanating her red swirling energy. She seems confused.) [Wanda Maximoff] I just feel you. (They kiss. Cut to later, where the two are going on a stroll.) [ Wanda Maximoff] So there's a 10 AM to Glasgow to give us more time together before you went back. [Vision] What if I miss that train? [Wanda Maximoff] There is an 11. [Vision] What if I missed all the trains? What if this time, I didn't go back? [Wanda Maximoff] You gave Stark your word. [Vision] I'd rather give it to you. [Wanda Maximoff] There are people who are expecting me too, you know. We both made promises. [Vision] Not to each other. (He puts his hands on her shoulders) Wanda… for two years, we've stolen these moments, trying to see if this could work. And... I don't know. (Stammers) You know what, I'm just gonna speak for myself -- I, I... I think... [Wanda Maximoff] It works. [Vision] It works. [Vision] Then stay. Stay with me. (Wanda looks down, but then her eyes and attention drift to her left.) [Vision] (Suddenly very uncertain) Or not. If I'm overstepping… (Wanda steps over to a better view of the TV in the kebab shop at which they had stopped, drawing Vision with her. It shows coverage of the invasion of New York, the alien antagonists, and the disappearance of Tony Stark.) [Wanda Maximoff] (Fearful) What are they? [Vision] What the stone was warning me about. (He kisses her hand) I have to go. [Wanda Maximoff] No, Vision. Vision, if that's true… then maybe going isn't the best idea. [Vision] Wanda, I… (Corvus Glaive appears suddenly behind Vision, stabbing him through the back. Vision screams, loses his glamour to return to his green, red and gold appearance, and is thrown down into the street.) [Wanda Maximoff] Vision! (She circles her hands, gathering up energy for a counterattack when Proxima Midnight blasts her from behind, knocking the Scarlet Witch across the street and through a bistro's window.) (Corvus Glaive pins Vision down and digs the point of his high-tech glaive into Vision's forehead in an attempt to extract the Mind Stone.) (The Scarlet Witch commits her own surprise attack, blasts both of the aliens away, then lifts Vision and herself into a nearby courtyard, from where the Scarlet Witch drags him to rest in a concealed alleyway.) [Vision] The blade. It stopped me from phasing. [Wanda Maximoff] Is that even possible? [Vision] It isn't supposed to be. (His voice distorts electronically) My systems are failing. (The Scarlet Witch gestures over his gaping wound, using her magic to knit him back together. Vision continues in a gasping, wry tone) I'm beginning to think... we should have stayed in bed. (Corvus Glaive suddenly arrives, knocking the Scarlet aside and grabbing Vision into the air,) [Wanda Maximoff] Vis! (Corvus flies away with Vision, slamming him against several walls. Meanwhile, Proxima engages the Scarlet Witch with her staff weapon and they too begin to fight.) [Corvus Glaive] (To Vision) Give up the Stone, and she lives. (Vision flies with Corvus to the roof of what appears to be a church, ricocheting off the stone church tower and onto the metal-clad roof.) (Simultaneously, Proxima and the Scarlet Witch fight below, staff weapon versus magic energy hands until Proxima uses the blaster effect of her weapon to knock the Scarlet Witch meters away, stunning her as Proxima leaps down, brandishing her weapon within bare inches of the Scarlet Witch's face, only held back by the Scarlet Witch's powers) (Furiously, Vision pummels Corvus, then throws him across the roof, firing a beam from the Mind Stone. Corvus uses his glaive to deflect the beam, splitting it into several beams, cutting up Edinburgh's ancient stone like butter, until one branch finally reflects back at Vision, slamming him into the wall behind him.) (Down below, the Scarlet Witch has blocked Proxima's staff once again when she hears an agonized cry from Vision. Desperation strengthens her to throw Proxima through the burning lorry sliced in half by the split Stone beam, stunning the alien. The Scarlet Witch then flies up to the roof where Glaive has pinned Vision and is again attempting to remove the Mind Stone.) [Wanda Maximoff] Hands off. (The Scarlet Witch casts a bolt of magic which throws Corvus back through the wall and down a shaft, then flies the two of them away again. Proxima, who has recovered, shoots a bolt from her weapon, causing them to fall from the air and down through the roof of Edinburgh Waverley Train Station. Wanda crawls over to Vision, who cannot muster the strength to stand.) [Wanda Maximoff] (Hushed voice, pleading.) Come on. Come on. Come on, you gotta get up. You gotta get up. Come on. Hey. Hey. We have to go. [Vision] Please. Please leave. [Wanda Maximoff] You asked me to stay.... I'm staying. [Vision] Please. [Wanda Maximoff] Get up. (Behind them, Proxima and Corvus crash through the roof and advance on them, brandishing their weapons. the Scarlet Witch moves protectively in front of Vision, building power in her hands.) (An express train passes behind Wanda, and Proxima cocks her head as if aware of another's presence. Confused, the Scarlet Witch also turns and looks over her left shoulder. As the last train car passes, we see a silhouette on the far side of the platform. Proxima throws her weapon at the shadowy figure, but it is deftly caught just before the figure steps from the shadows.) (As the Avengers theme kicks in, we now recognize a bearded and furious Steve Rogers (Captain America) as he steps into the light. Vision and the Scarlet Witch look hopeful and relieved. While all parties are distracted, Sam Wilson (Falcon) swoops in and kicks Proxima across the platform and through the closed cafe's security gate and furniture. Swooping around, he fires on Corvus.) (At the same time, Captain America throws Proxima's weapon to Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow) who engages Corvus, ducking under his swing, stabbing him in the gut and executing a flying kick to knock him backwards.) (Proxima, who has rushed back to the fight, summons her weapon back to her hand and attacks Black Widow. Captain America leaps forward, rolls, scoops up Corvus's dropped glaive and holds her off. Black Widow joins in with her own escrima sticks. While the three are fighting, Falcon returns and again kicks Proxima backwards; she scuttles over to the prone Corvus. Falcon draws both of his Steyr SPP submachine pistols on the couple.) [Proxima Midnight] (To Glaive) Get up. [Corvus Glaive] I can't. [Natasha Romanoff] (Coolly) We don't wanna kill you. But we will. [Proxima Midnight] You'll never get the chance again. (Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive depart as they are beamed up. The glaive is snatched from Captain America's hand as well.) [Sam Wilson] (To Vision) Can you stand? [Vision] (Electricity shimmers over his surface, and his voice distorts) Thank you, Captain. [Steve Rogers] (Nods) Let's get you on the jet. [Natasha Romanoff] (Closing the doors to the Quinjet, while addressing Wanda) I thought we had a deal. Stay close, check in. Don't take any chances. [Wanda Maximoff] I'm sorry. We just wanted time. [Sam Wilson] Where to, Cap? [Steve Rogers] Home. (Cut to the past, at Gamora's home planet Zen-Whoberi during Thanos' massacre. Gamora and her mother are hiding; the sounds of guns and screaming are outside.) [Gamora's Mother] (To Young Gamora) Shh. We'll be safe. We'll be safe. (An explosion goes off close by and Gamora screeches by reflex, revealing their hiding spot.) [Child of Thanos] (Untranslated inquiry.) (The door is smashed open and both Zehobereians scream.) (Outside, it is utter chaos. Leviathans, Chitauri chariots and ring-ships fly overhead; explosions and energy bolts from numerous sources criss-cross the panicked population, felling them randomly; smoke arises from countless fires.) [Ebony Maw] Zehobereians… [Young Gamora] (Being dragged by one arm through the crowds) Mother! Where's my mother?! [Ebony Maw] Zen-Whoberis... Choose a side, or die. [Young Gamora] Mother! (She punches at the arm of the one dragging her who surprisingly drops her arm and leaves.) [Ebony Maw] One side is a revelation. The other, an honor known only to a few. (Gamora turns and finds herself facing Thanos in his full Titan armor.) [Thanos] What's wrong, little one? [Young Gamora] My mother. Where is my mother? [Thanos] (Kneels down to Gamora) What's your name? [Young Gamora] Gamora. [Thanos] You're quite the fighter, Gamora. Come. Let me help you. (Thanos offers his hand; she wraps her little fingers around one massive finger, and he leads her to a pavilion, where he crouches to her eye level again and produces a small -- for him -- red-jeweled handle. Pressing the switch, razor-sharp blades pop out both ends.) Look. Pretty, isn't it? Perfectly balanced. As all things should be. Too much to one side, or the other… (He balances it on one finger, overbalances it purposefully and catches it.) Here. You try. (Thanos hands Gamora the dagger -- the handle is two child-palms' widths in length. She tries balancing it on her index finger.) [Ebony Maw] Now go in peace, and meet your Maker. (One half of the crowd is shot down. The survivors scream in horror, and Gamora tries to turn but Thanos prevents her from seeing the massacre.) [Thanos] Concentrate. There! You've got it. (Cut to the present, aboard the GUARDIANS’ ship. Gamora is brooding, activates the spring-action blades on the same dagger.) [Peter Quill] Gamora. Do you know if these grenades are the "blow off your junk" kind or the gas kind? 'Cause I was thinking I might hang a couple on my belt right here. But I don't want to-- [Gamora] I need to ask a favor. [Peter Quill] Yeah, sure. [Gamora] One way or another, the path that we're on leads to Thanos. [Peter Quill] Which is what the grenades are for. (Gamora silences him with a look.) I'm sorry. What's the favor? [Gamora] If things go wrong… If Thanos gets me… I want you to promise me… you'll kill me. [Peter Quill] (A beat. Confusion.) What? [Gamora] I know something he doesn't. If he finds out… the entire Universe could be at risk. [Peter Quill] What do you know? [Gamora] If I tell you, you'd know, too. [Peter Quill] If it's so important, shouldn't I? [Gamora] Only if you wanna die. [Peter Quill] Why does somebody always have to die in this scenario? [Gamora] Just… trust me. And possibly, kill me. [Peter Quill] I mean, I'd like to. I really would… (Gamora silences him by covering his mouth with her hand.) [Gamora] Swear to me. Swear to me on your mother. [Peter Quill] (A beat. One that rests with him significantly.) Okay. (The two kiss, until an odd crunching sound startles them. Drax is standing in the corner.) [Peter Quill] Dude. How long have you been standing there? [Drax] An hour. [Peter Quill] An hour? Are you serious? [Drax] I've mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still... that I become invisible to the eye... watch. (Drax stands motionless, then very slowly raises his hand towards his mouth) [Peter Quill] You're eating a zarg-nut. [Drax] But my movement... was so slow... that it's imperceptible. [Peter Quill] Mmm, no. (Quill and Gamora shake their heads.) [Drax] I'm sure I'm invisible. [Mantis] Hi, Drax. [Drax] (Knowing when he is beat) Damn it. (The Benatar flies towards a massive skull and flies through one eye-hole into a vast interior cavern. Screen title: KNOWHERE.) [Peter Quill] This place looks deserted. [Drax] I'm reading movement from the third quadrant. [Peter Quill] Yep. I'm picking that up, too. Let's put it down right here. (The four Guardians disembark and sneak into the Collector’s collection room, which is in ruins. Thanos is threatening the Collector while the Guardians hide behind rubble.) [Collector] I don't have it. [Thanos] Everyone in the Galaxy knows you'd sell your own brother if you thought it would add the slightest trinket to your pathetic collection. (Quill stops, and holds up a fist meaning 'halt' in the silent language of soldiers. Everybody walks quietly past him.) [Thanos] I know you have the Reality Stone, Tivan. Giving it to me will spare you a great deal of suffering. (Thanos places a heavy boot on the middle of the Collector's chest and presses.) [Collector] (Strained) I told you. I sold it. Why would I lie? [Thanos] I imagine it's like breathing for you. [Collector] Like suicide. [Thanos] So you do understand. Not even you would surrender something so precious. [Collector] I didn't know what it was. [Thanos] Then you're more of a fool than I took you for. Last chance, charlatan. Where's the Stone? [Drax] Today... [Peter Quill] (Grasping the danger) Drax. Drax. [Drax] ...He pays for the deaths of my wife and daughter. [Peter Quill] Drax, waaaaait! (Drax draws his long dagger from his leg scabbard.) Not yet, not yet, not yet. (Drax gives him a look and heads towards Thanos. Quill hurries as quietly as possible to catch up.) Drax, Drax, Drax. He doesn't have the Stone yet. We get it, and then we can stop him. We have to get the Stone first. Yeah. [Drax] No. No. For Ovette. For Camaria. (Quill starts to struggle with Drax when Mantis puts her hand on the back of Drax's head.) [Mantis] Sleeeep. (Drax is knocked out, his falling body causing a loud crash. Everybody ducks.) (Thanos looks towards the sound, then picks up the Collector and throws him into a collecting case before walking towards the disturbance.) [Peter Quill] Okay. Gamora, Mantis, you go right. I'm... (Gamora moves towards Thanos) The other right! (Gamora leaps on Thanos from a stack of boxes, swinging her sword at him. He snaps the sword-blade in half, and Gamora stabs him in the throat with the stub, his lower jaw sagging and himself letting out a hoarse groan, then he is stabbed in the chest with the red-jeweled dagger.) [Thanos] Why? (He falls down) Why you? Daughter… (He holds his hand out to her, blood pooling out from his neck wound, before collapsing completely. Gamora breaks down, sobbing.) [Peter Quill] (Surprised) That was quick. [Collector] Magnificent! Magnificent! Magnificent! (Suddenly, Thanos' disembodied voice fills the room.) [Thanos] Is it sadness I sense in you, daughter? In my heart, I knew you still cared. But one ever knows for sure. Reality is often disappointing. (The scene disappears -- everything in the room is destroyed and/or on fire, the Collector waving bye-bye as he and his case vanish.) [Thanos] That is, it was. Now… reality can be whatever I want. (Thanos is quite alive and undamaged. He has the red Reality Stone seated in the Infinity Gauntlet.) [Gamora] (Her face still wet, but no longer crying) You knew I'd come. [Thanos] I counted on it. There's something we need to discuss, little one. (Gamora hesitates for a beat, then reaches for her broken sword. Thanos grabs her by the back of the neck and swings her around in front of him.) [Drax] Thanos! (With a pulse of the Reality Stone, both Drax and Mantis are 'disassembled' -- Drax is turned into a stack of tumbling cubes, and Mantis becomes a ribbon version of herself.) [Peter Quill] (Moving in, his blaster pointed right at Thanos) Let her go, Grimace! [Gamora] Peter… [Peter Quill] (To Gamora) I told you to go right. [Gamora] Now? Really? [Peter Quill] You let her go! [Thanos] Ah, the boyfriend. [Peter Quill] I like to think of myself more as a Titan-killing long-term booty call. Let her go. [Gamora] Peter… [Peter Quill] Or I'm gonna blow that nut sack of a chin right off your face! [Gamora] Not him. (Quill hesitates. He does not shoot anyone.) [Gamora] You promised! You promised. [Thanos] Oh, daughter. You expect too much from him. (to Quill) She's asked, hasn't she? Do it. (There is a very tense and unpleasant pause. Thanos rolls his head and shoves Gamora towards Quill’s gun, egging him on.) DO IT!! [Peter Quill] (Tearing up) I told you to go right. [Gamora] I love you, more than anything. [Peter Quill] I love you, too. (Quill screws up his eyes and pulls the trigger -- but a stream of bubbles comes out. Thanos was playing him.) [Thanos] (Genuinely sincere) I like you. (Thanos teleports Gamora and himself away as a stunned Quill picks up Gamora's sword, and his friends painfully re-assemble themselves, the Reality Stone's effects now subsiding in its absence.) (Back on Earth, the Quinjet arrives at the upstate New York Avengers HQ while Col. James "Rhodey" Rhodes deals with the red tape in the holographic person of Secretary of State Thaddeus Ross (Lt. Gen., USA Ret.).) [Secretary Ross] Still no word from Vision? [James Rhodes] Satellites lost him somewhere over Edinburgh. [Secretary Ross] On a stolen Quinjet with four of the world's most wanted criminals. [James Rhodes] You know they're only criminals because you've chosen to call them that, right, sir? [Secretary Ross] My God, Rhodes, your talent for horseshit rivals my own. [James Rhodes] If it weren't for those Accords, Vision would've been right here. [Secretary Ross] I remember your signature on those papers, Colonel. [James Rhodes] (Sounding a little bitter) That's right. And I'm pretty sure I've paid for that. (We get a good look at his leg braces) [Secretary Ross] You have second thoughts? [James Rhodes] Not anymore. (The fugitive Avengers enter the room, Vision supported by Sam.) [Steve Rogers] Mr. Secretary. [Secretary Ross] You got some nerve. I'll give you that. [Natasha Romanoff] You could use some of that right now. [Secretary Ross] The world's on fire. And you think, all is forgiven? [Steve Rogers] I'm not looking for forgiveness. And I'm way past asking for permission. Earth just lost her best defender. So we're here to fight. (Steve takes a step forward, looking right at Ross) And if you wanna stand in our way... we'll fight you, too. [Secretary Ross] (To Rhodes) Arrest them. [James Rhodes] All over it. (Swipes off hologram; the computer beeps twice) That's a court-martial. It's great to see you, Cap. [Steve Rogers] (Hugging Rhodes) You too, Rhodey. (Natasha gets her own embrace.) [James Rhodes] Well. You guys really look like crap. Must've been a rough couple of years. [Sam Wilson] Yeah, well, the hotels weren't exactly five star. [Bruce Banner] Uh, I think you look great. (Rhodes and Natasha long round to see Bruce walking in from the opposite end of the room.) Uh... heh... Yeah. I'm back. [Natasha Romanoff] Hi, Bruce. [Bruce Banner] Nat. [Sam Wilson] (Whispering) This is awkward. (Cut to a shot of Natasha, Bruce, Steve, Rhodey, Wanda, and Vision in another room.) [James Rhodes] So we gotta assume they're coming back, right? [Wanda Maximoff] And they can clearly find us. [Bruce Banner] We need all hands on deck. Where's Clint? [Natasha Romanoff] After the whole Accords situation, he and Scott took a deal. It was too tough on their families, they're on house arrest. [Bruce Banner] Who's Scott? [Steve Rogers] Ant-Man. [Bruce Banner] There's an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man? Okay, look… Thanos has the biggest army in the universe. And he is not gonna stop until he... he gets... Vision's Stone. [Natasha Romanoff] Well then, we have to protect it. [Vision] No, we have to destroy it. I've been giving a good deal of thought to this entity in my head, about its nature. But also, its composition. I think if it were exposed to a sufficiently powerful energy source, something, very similar to its own signature, perhaps… its molecular integrity could fail. (Vision addresses Wanda as he nears her.) [Wanda Maximoff] And you, with it. We're not having this conversation. [Vision] Eliminating the stone is the only way to be certain that Thanos can't get it. [Wanda Maximoff] That's too high a price. [Vision] (Takes her face gently in both hands) Only you have the power to pay it. (Wanda walks away, distressed) Thanos threatens half the Universe. One life cannot stand in the way of defeating him. [Steve Rogers] (Eyes diverted down) But it should. (Looks up at Vision) We don't trade lives, Vision. [Vision] (Walking toward Steve) Captain, 70 years ago, you laid down your life to save how many millions of people. Tell me, why is this any different? (Steve takes a breath, but before he has a chance to answer, Bruce speaks.) [Bruce Banner] Because you might have a choice. Your mind is made up of a complex construct of overlays. J.A.R.V.I.S., Ultron, Tony, me, the Stone. All of them mixed together. All of them learning from one another. [Wanda Maximoff] You're saying Vision isn't just the stone? [Bruce Banner] I'm saying that if we take out the stone, there's still a whole lot of Vision left. Perhaps the best parts. [Natasha Romanoff] Can we do that? [Bruce Banner] Not me. Not here. [James Rhodes] You better find someone, and somewhere fast. Ross isn't exactly just gonna let you guys have your old rooms back. [Steve Rogers] I know somewhere. (Cut to rural Wakanda, as King T'Challa and Okoye walk together, accompanied by two Kingsguard. Screen title: WAKANDA.) [Okoye] You'll have the Kingsguard, and the Dora Milaje have been alerted. [T'Challa] And the Border Tribe? [Okoye] Those that are left. [T'Challa] Send word to the Jabari as well. M'Baku likes a good fight. [Okoye] And what of this one? [T'Challa] This one may be tired of war. (James "Bucky" Buchanan Barnes is seen at a small distance throwing a bag from a pile on the ground onto a partly-filled cart, while two village children watch) But the White Wolf has rested long enough. (The party reaches Bucky. A Kingsguards-man sets an elaborate and high-tech-looking equipment case down on the cart, opens the lid, and steps back. As the Winter Soldier approaches, he sees a new Vibranium arm in the case.) [Bucky Barnes] (With resignation) Where's the fight? [T'Challa] On its way. (Cut to Ebony Maw interrogating Dr. Strange. Dr. Strange is floating horizontally, face down, and is surrounded by dozens of glassy needles, each about two feet long.) [Ebony Maw] In all the time I've served Thanos, I've never failed him. If I were to reach our rendezvous on Titan with the Time Stone still attached to your vaguely irritating person, there would be... judgement. (The needles start to contact Dr. Strange's face, causing an obviously painful whitish subcutaneous glow at each touch) Give me... the stone. (Cut to Tony who is watching, hidden, from above. The Cloak of Levitation taps Stark on the arm. He raises his hand to it, ready to shoot, but he sees what it is and stands down.) [Tony Stark] Wow you're a seriously loyal piece of outerwear, aren't you? [Peter Parker] Yeah, uh, speaking of loyalty.... (Tony and the Cloak turn to face Peter, dropping down from above) [Tony Stark] What the-- [Peter Parker] I know what you're gonna say. [Tony Stark] You should not be here. (The Cloak moves to "stand" at Tony's side) [Peter Parker] I was gonna go home-- [Tony Stark] I don't wanna hear it. [Peter Parker] But it was such a long way down and I just thought about you on the way... [Tony Stark] And now I gotta hear it. (The Cloak shakes its collar in sympathy and shrugs) [Peter Parker] ...And I kinda stuck to the side of the ship. And this suit is ridiculously intuitive, by the way. So if anything, it's kinda your fault that I'm here. (The Cloak looks shocked.) [Tony Stark] (Seriously) What did you just say? [Peter Parker] I take that back. And now I'm here in space. [Tony Stark] Yeah. (Tony crosses to stand right in front of Peter) Right where I don't want you to be. This isn't Coney Island. This isn't a field trip. It's a one-way ticket. You hear me? Don't pretend like you thought this through. You could not have possibly thought this through. [Peter Parker] No. I did think this through. [Tony Stark] You could not have possibly thought this through. [Peter Parker] It's just .. you can't be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man if there's no neighborhood. (He waits for Tony's reaction) Okay. That didn't really make any sense, but you know what I'm trying to say. [Tony Stark] (Breaths shakily) Come on. We got a situation. (He leads Peter over to a viewpoint on the torture below. Peter crouches to study the situation, the Cloak leaning over his shoulder.) See him down there? He's in trouble. What's your plan? Go. [Peter Parker] Um. Okay, okay... uh... (Peter and the Cloak pop back upright) Okay. Did you ever see this really old movie, Aliens? (The Cloak lifts its collar in surprise.) (Cut back to Ebony Maw interrogating Dr. Strange, who groans loudly.) [Ebony Maw] Painful aren't they? They were originally designed for microsurgery. And any one of them... (At the "thump" behind him, Maw turns to see Iron Man standing there, hand repulsors ready to fire.) [Ebony Maw] ...Could end your friend's life in an instant. [Tony Stark] I gotta tell you, he's not really my friend. Saving his life is more a professional courtesy. [Ebony Maw] (Walks slowly towards Iron Man, beckoning very large, very solid metal objects to float behind him) You've saved nothing. Your powers are inconsequential compared to mine. [Tony Stark] Yeah, but the kid's seen more movies. (Iron Man fires a rocket from his shoulder which pierces the side of the ship to Maw's right and begins to suck everything out with depressurization, especially Maw and his large objects. Dr. Strange is pulled loose of his pinnings, loses the needles, but also heads for the hole, helpless to resist. The Cape wraps around his arm and an anchor point, but Dr. Strange's arm slips loose and he keeps going. Spider-Man shoots a web strand at Dr. Strange with one hand and holds onto a piece of the ship with the other. It breaks, sending them both towards space when his Iron-Spider suit's metal arms brace him to keep him from being sucked out. Fortunately, Dr. Strange is still surrounded by the ship's atmosphere making haste to leave.) [Peter Parker] Yes! Wait what are those?! (Spider-Man crouches with his new spider-legs, and makes a mighty leap to pulls them both back inside. Iron Man quickly sprays nanites onto the hole to plug it up. Dr. Strange safely, if emphatically, hits the floor. Ebony Maw is seen floating in space, quite dead, ice from the escaped atmosphere frosting over his grimace. Spider-Man lands on his new legs, retracts them, and finds the Cape "standing" next to him.) [Peter Parker] Hey, we haven't officially met. (He offers the Cape his hand to shake. It ignores his offer and continues to Dr. Strange.) Cool. (Iron Man walks past Dr. Strange, shaking his head and with his armor retreating into its containment as Dr. Strange gets to his feet and becomes en-Cloaked.) [Stephen Strange] We've gotta turn this ship around. [Tony Stark] Yeah. Now he wants to run. Great plan. [Stephen Strange] No, I want to protect the stone. (Tony walks towards the expansive front view-port, showing a hyper speed/warp effect.) [Tony Stark] (Irritably) And I want you to thank me now. Go ahead, I'm listening. [Stephen Strange] For what? Nearly blasting me into space? [Tony Stark] Who just saved your magical ass? Me. [Stephen Strange] I seriously don't know how you fit your head into that helmet. [Tony Stark] Admit it. You should have ducked out when I told you to. I tried to bench you. You refused. [Stephen Strange] Unlike everyone else in your life, I don't work for you. [Tony Stark] And due to that fact, we're now in a flying doughnut billions of miles away from Earth with no backup. (Seriously, these two's egos are a recipe for disaster.) [Peter Parker] (Raises his hand) I'm backup. [Tony Stark] No. You're a stowaway. (Waggles a finger between himself and Dr. Strange) The adults are talking. [Stephen Strange] I'm sorry, I'm confused as to the relationship here. Wh-- what is he, your ward? [Peter Parker] No. I'm Peter, by the way. [Stephen Strange] Dr. Strange. [Peter Parker] Oh, we're using our made-up names. Um... I'm Spider-Man, then. [Tony Stark] This ship is self-correcting its course. Thing's on autopilot. [Stephen Strange] (Walks closer to Tony) Can we control it? Fly us home? (Tony is lost in bad memories and does not respond right away.) Stark? [Tony Stark] Yeah? [Stephen Strange] Can you get us home? [Tony Stark] Yeah I heard you. I'm thinking... I'm not so sure we should. [Stephen Strange] Under no circumstance can we bring the Time Stone to Thanos. I don't think you quite understand what's at stake here. [Tony Stark] (Stalks over to Strange) No. It's you who doesn't understand, that Thanos has been inside my head for six years since he sent an army to New York and now he's back! And I don't know what to do. So I'm not so sure if it's a better plan to fight him on our turf or his but you saw what they did, what they can do. At least on his turf, he's not expecting it. So I say we take the fight to him. Doctor. Do you concur? [Stephen Strange] (Pauses) Alright, Stark. We go to him. But you have to understand... if it comes to saving you or the kid or the Time Stone... I will not hesitate to let either of you die. I can't, because the fate of the universe depends on it. [Tony Stark] Nice. Good. Moral compass. We're straight. (Stepping over to Peter, he formally taps each of Peter's shoulders with the edge of his hand, dubbing him as is done at a knighting.) Alright, kid. You're an Avenger now. (He doesn't look at him as he says those words, knowing well what he is signing him up for.) (Peter looks at Tony in disbelief, and then cycles through delight, satisfaction, pride and determination, and braces himself for what's to come.) (Cut to Thanos' mother-ship, Sanctuary II, which dwarfs the massive ring-ships the Black Order have been using. Gamora sits near the throne deep inside the ship. Thanos walks up, bringing a cup of food and holds it out to her.) [Thanos] I thought you might be hungry. (Gamora takes it, then hurls it across the room where it bangs against Thanos' throne with a loud clack.) [Gamora] I always hated that chair. [Thanos] So I've been told. Even so. I'd hoped you'd sit on it one day. [Gamora] I hated this room. This ship. I hated my life. [Thanos] You told me that too. (Thanos mounts two of the four steps to his throne, turns, and sits on the second from the top.) Every day. For almost twenty years. [Gamora] I was a child when you took me. [Thanos] I saved you. [Gamora] No. No. We were happy on my home planet. [Thanos] Going to bed hungry, scrounging for scraps. Your planet was on the brink of collapse. I'm the one who stopped that. Do you know what's happened since then? The children born have known nothing but full bellies and clear skies. It's a paradise. [Gamora] Because you murdered half the planet. [Thanos] A small price to pay for salvation. [Gamora] You're insane. [Thanos] Little one, it's a simple calculus. This universe is finite, its resources finite. If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correction. [Gamora] You don't know that! [Thanos] (Scowls as his egotistical narcissism prevents him from fully listening to her) I'm the only one who knows that. At least, I'm the only one with the will to act on it. (He stands again and walks back to Gamora) For a time... you had that same will... as you fought by my side. Daughter. [Gamora] I'm not your daughter. Everything I hate about myself you taught me. [Thanos] And in doing so, made you the fiercest woman in the galaxy. That's why I trusted you to find the Soul Stone. [Gamora] I'm sorry I disappointed you. [Thanos] I am disappointed. But not because you didn't find it. (Leans down to put their heads at a level, whispering fiercely) But because you did. (Looks at her) And you lied. (Thanos and Gamora stand outside a large solid door that slides open vertically as they approach, then pause as a set of inner doors made of interlacing metal slide away. Inside, we see Nebula face-on, suspended horizontally in the air in the middle of the room, her breath shuddering in pain.) [Gamora] Nebula. (Gamora hurries to to Nebula's left side, and we now see that she has been partially disassembled, her components stretched apart -- a cybernetic version of the medieval torture rack. Hannibal Lecter level of brutality.) [Gamora] Don't do this. [Thanos] Some time ago, your sister snuck aboard this ship to kill me. [Gamora] Please don't do this. [Thanos] And very nearly succeeded. So I brought her here. To talk. (Thanos curls his gauntleted fist, activating both the Power and Space Stones, scowling -- causing Nebula's already extended pieces to stretch further outward. She begins to scream.) [Gamora] Stop. Stop it. (She puts her hands on the gauntlet, pulling it down) I swear to you on my life. I never found the Soul Stone. (Thanos signals a nearby servant who taps on a control pad. We hear Nebula's voice say, "Accessing memory files" and a sort of hologram of Gamora's face shudders to life.) [Memory Nebula] You know what he's about to do. He's finally ready, and he's going for the stones. All of them. [Memory Gamora] He can never get them all. [Memory Nebula] He will! [Memory Gamora] He can't, Nebula. Because I found the map to the Soul Stone and I burnt it to ash. I burnt it. (The memory ends.) [Thanos] (To Gamora, walking around behind her) You're strong. Me. You're generous. Me. But I never taught you to lie. That's why you're so bad at it. (His voice drips with disgust) Where is the Soul Stone? (He raises his gauntlet next to Gamora's face. Nebula shakes her head, expression terrified, to encourage her sister's silence but when Gamora does not answer, Thanos clenches the gauntlet again, brow furrowed at his adopted daughter as the Power and Space Stones are reactivated. Gamora grimaces in shared pain at her sister's screams, growing louder as Thanos increases the pressure.) [Gamora] Vormir! (Thanos unclenches his hand, and Nebula gasps in air as her parts snap back almost into place. Gamora goes to her and caresses her face.) The Stone is on Vormir. [Thanos] (Satisfied.) Show me. (Cut to the pod taking Thor, Rocket and Groot to Nidavellir.) [Groot] (Irritably) I am Groot. (Translation: I need to tinkle.) [Rocket] Tinkle in the cup. We're not looking. What's there to see? What's a twig? Everybody's seen a twig. [Groot] (Still irritably) I am Groot. (Translation: But the cup is full.) [Thor] (While looking out the rear portholes) Tree, pour what's in the cup out in space, and go in the cup again. [Rocket] You speak Groot? [Thor] Yes, they taught it on Asgard. It was an elective. [Groot] (Shortly) I am Groot. (Translation: How long 'till we get there?) [Thor] You'll know when we're there. Nivadellir's forge harnesses the power of a blazing neutron star. (Nostalgically) It's the birth place of my hammer. It's truly awesome. (Rocket turns to see Thor sitting sadly beside the window, and sighs.) [Rocket] (To himself) Okay, time to be the captain. (Walks to a console near by Thor, presses two buttons) So, dead brother, huh? Yeah, that can be annoying. [Thor] Well, he's been dead before, but this time I think it really might be true. [Rocket] And you said your sister and your dad? [Thor] Both dead. [Rocket] Still got a mom, though? [Thor] Killed by a dark elf. [Rocket] A best friend? [Thor] Stabbed through the heart. [Rocket] Are you sure you're up to this particular murder mission? [Thor] (Smiling widely but also trying to convince himself) Absolutely. Rage, vengeance, anger, loss, regret... they're all tremendous motivators. They really clear the mind. So I'm good to go. [Rocket] Yeah, but this Thanos we're talking about... he's the toughest there is. [Thor] Well, he's never fought me. [Rocket] Yeah, he has! [Thor] He's never fought me twice. And I'm getting a new hammer, don't forget. [Rocket] Better be some hammer. [Thor] You know, I'm 1,500 years old. I've killed twice as many enemies as that, and every one would have rather killed me, but none succeeded. I'm only alive because fate wants me alive. Thanos is the latest in a long line of bastards and he will be the latest to feel my vengeance. Fate wills it so. [Rocket] And what if you're wrong? [Thor] If I'm wrong then... what more could I lose? (Thor sniffs and hastily wipes below his eye. He stands and seats himself at the front of the pod, beside Groot.) [Rocket] (Under his breath) I could lose a lot. Me personally. I could lose a lot. (Rocket takes an eyeball from somewhere on his person) Okay. If fate does want you to kill that crapsack... you're gonna need more than one stupid eyeball. (He gives Thor the eyeball.) [Thor] What's this? [Rocket] What's it look like? Some jerk lost a bet with me on on Contraxia. [Thor] He gave you his eye? [Rocket] He gave me 100 credits. I snuck in later that night and stole his eye. [Thor] Thank you, sweet rabbit. (Thor proceeds to put the eyeball in his socket. We are thankfully spared the explicit insertion.) [Rocket] Hmm. Huh? Oh. I would've washed that. The only way I could sneak it off Contraxia was up my...(beeping) Hey, we're here! [Thor] (Smacking his palm against the side of his head to get the eye calibrated) I don't think this thing works. Everything seems dark. [Rocket] It ain't the eye. (Nidavellir is dark and motionless as the three rings around it.) [Thor] Something's wrong. The star's gone out. And the rings are frozen. (The pod flies through massive machinery, cold and inert. Screen title: NIDAVELLIR) (The pod sets down; Thor, Rocket and Groot disembark and start walking through a seemingly abandoned and cluttered space. Groot is still playing his game.) [Rocket] I hope these dwarves are better at forging than they are cleaning. Maybe they realized they live in a junk pile in the middle of space. [Thor] This forge hasn't gone dark in centuries.... [Rocket] (Pauses, looking at a pedestal) You said Thanos had a gauntlet, right? [Thor] Yes. Why? [Rocket] Look anything like that? (In fact, it looks exactly like that) [Groot] (Uneasily) I am Groot. [Thor] (Urgently) Go back to the pod. (Suddenly a massive figure storms towards them, flinging Thor away with one swing of his arm, and kicking Rocket and Groot against a wall of equipment.) [Thor] Eitri, wait! Stop! [Eitri] Thor? (Eitri is played by the legendary Peter Dinklage -- his giant size literally juxtaposing his name of dwarf.) [Thor] What happened here? [Eitri] You were supposed to protect us. Asgard was supposed to protect us! [Thor] Asgard is destroyed. (Thor scrambles to his feet and points. Eitri stop his attack on Thor. He now believes Thanos had destroyed Asgard and leaving him in a similar survivor role like Eitri himself.) Eitri, the glove. What did you do? [Eitri] (He walks brokenly across the space to sit heavily, leaning against an ore skip. Rocket and Groot get to their feet, the sapling checking his game.) 300 dwarves lived on this ring. I thought if I did what he asked, they'd be safe. I made what he wanted. A device capable of harnessing the power of the stones. Then he killed everyone anyway. All except me. 'Your life is yours,' he said. 'But your hands are mine alone.' (He holds up his immobile metal fists, encased in hardened molten metal.) [Thor] Eitri, this isn't about your hands. Every weapon you've ever designed: every ax, hammer, sword - it's all inside your head. Now I know it feels like all hope is lost. Trust me, I know. But together, you and I, we can kill Thanos. (Cut to Nebula suspended in the interrogation room seen earlier, while a technician puts her back together. Nebula ejects her eyepiece and snaps the neck of the tech when he comes close enough to replace it. She walks to a console, straightening her left arm, dragging her still-dislocated right foot behind her, and inputs a code.) [Nebula] Mantis, listen very carefully. I need you to meet me on Titan. (Cut to Peter Parker, Tony Stark, and Dr. Strange aboard the ship approaching the surface of Titan.) [Peter Parker] (To Tony) Hey, what's going on? [Stephen Strange] I think we're here. [Tony Stark] I don't think this rig has a self-park function. (Urgently) Get your hand into this steering gimbal. Close those around it. You understand? [Peter Parker] Yep, got it. [Tony Stark] This was meant for one big guy, so we gotta to move at the same time. [Peter Parker] Okay. Okay. Ready. (The ringship is heading straight for the center of what looks like one of a colossal game of jacks.) [Peter Parker] We might wanna turn. Turn! Turn! Turn!! (Iron Man armors up as the ringship clips the "jack" obliquely, but still losing a good third of its hull in the collision. Spider-Man throws up his helmet at the same time. Doctor Strange steps between them and creates the Shield of the Seraphim around them all, anticipating a rough landing.) (The ship, now reduced to about 45%, plows through the dirt and stops, leaning slightly to one side. Screen title: TITAN.) (Doctor Strange helps Tony, now de-helmeted, to his feet; they're both panting a little from the exertion of arrival.) [Tony Stark] (To Doctor Strange) You alright? (Panting) That was close. I owe you one. (Spider-Man descends from above in classically spider-like fashion.) [Peter Parker] Let me just say, if aliens wind up implanting eggs in my chest or something, and I eat one of you, I'm sorry. [Tony Stark] (While pointing at Peter) I don't wanna hear another single pop culture out of you for the rest of the trip. You understand? [Peter Parker] I'm trying to say that... something is coming. (A grenade rolls into view, and Peter, Strange and Tony get thrown well back when it fires its energy pulse. Star-Lord, Drax, and Mantis appear in the doorway) [Drax] (Yelling) THANOS!!!! (He flings a blade at Doctor Strange, who neatly deflects it with a mystical shield, and in return sends the Cloak of Levitation at Drax's face, half-smothering him and throwing him to the floor. Star-Lord and Iron Man have a brief dogfight until a magnetic disc pins Iron Man face-first to a structure.) [Peter Parker] (Crawling backwards frantically from an anxious-looking Mantis) AH! Whoawhoawhoawhoa! PLEASE DON'T PUT YOUR EGGS IN ME! (Spider-Man shoots web at Mantis in a panic, pinning arms to her body just before Star-Lord flies at him feet-first, kicking him away.) [Peter Quill] Stay down, clown! (Star-Lord can't quite counter spider reflexes at first; he fires at Spider-Man, who extends his spider legs and leaps away, but an electric-like cord wraps around Spider-Man and his six new legs when he tries to attack, sending him rolling across the deck.) [Drax] (Struggling with the Cloak of Levitation) Die, blanket of death! (Iron Man pulls free of the magnet; the Cloak pulls free of Drax as soon as Iron Man has a bead on his opponent and a foot on his torso.) (Star-Lord has Spider-Man in a head-lock, gun pointed at the smaller man's head.) (Doctor Strange has a mystical shield of golden energy up, and stands ready at the third point of the triangle. Mantis has struggled to her feet behind Star-Lord, still covered with webbing.) [Peter Quill] Alright, everybody, stay where you are... chill the F out. (Star-Lord powers off his helmet) I'm gonna ask you this one time. Where's Gamora? [Tony Stark] (De-helmeting) Yeah, I'll do you one better. Who's Gamora? [Drax] I'll do you one better. Why is Gamora? [Peter Quill] Tell me where the girl is, or I swear to you, I'm gonna French-fry this little freak. [Tony Stark] Let's do it! You shoot my guy, I blast him. Let's go! (Tony extends his nano-tech cannon, looking uncannily like an electric shark about to eat Drax's face.) [Drax] Do it, Quill! I can take it. [Mantis] No, he can't take it! [Stephen Strange] (Completely deadpan) She's right. You can't. [Peter Quill] Oh yeah? You don't wanna tell me where she is? That's fine. I'll kill all three of you and beat it out of Thanos myself. (To Spider-Man) Starting with you. [Stephen Strange] Wait, what. Thanos? (Trying to inject clarity and sanity into the situation) Alright, let me ask you this one time: What master do you serve? [Peter Quill] What master do I serve? What am I supposed to say? "Jesus"? [Tony Stark] (Getting it) You're from Earth? [Peter Quill] I'm not from Earth. I'm from Missouri. [Tony Stark] Yeah, that's on Earth, dip-shit. What are you hassling us for? [Peter Parker] (Sounding slightly crushed) So, you're not with Thanos? [Peter Quill] (Indignantly) With Thanos?! No, I'm here to kill Thanos! He took my girl- Wai- who are you? [Peter Parker] (De-helmets) We're the Avengers, man. [Peter Quill] Oh. [Mantis] You're the ones Thor told us about! [Tony Stark] You know Thor!? [Peter Quill] Yeah. Tall guy, not that good-looking, (Peter gives him an incredulous look) needed saving. [Doctor Strange] (Pause) Where is he now? (Cut to Nivadellir where Eitri is showing Thor, Rocket, and Groot the mold for Stormbreaker.) [Rocket] This is the plan? We're gonna hit him with a brick? [Eitri] It's a mold. A king's weapon. Meant to be the greatest in Asgard. In theory, it could even summon the Bifrost. [Thor] Did it have a name? [Eitri] Stormbreaker. [Rocket] That's a bit much. [Thor] So how do we make it? [Eitri] You'll have to restart the forge. Awaken the heart of a dying star. [Thor] Rabbit, fire up the pod. (Cut to Titan where the remaining Avengers and the Guardians are starting to work together. Quill is measuring the planet's tilt.) [Peter Quill] The heck happened to this planet? It's eight degrees off its axis. Gravitational pull is all over the place. (in the background, Mantis is jumping joyfully in a low gravity spot.) [Tony Stark] Yeah, we got one advantage. He's coming to us. We'll use it. All right, I have a plan. Or at least the beginnings of one. It's pretty simple. We draw him in, pin him down, get what we need. Definitely don't wanna dance with this guy. We just want the gauntlet. (Drax yawns.) [Tony Stark] Are you yawning? In the middle of this, while I'm breaking it down? Huh? Did you hear what I said? [Drax] I stopped listening after you said, "We need a plan." [Tony Stark] (To Quill) Okay, Mr. Clean is on his own page. [Peter Quill] See, "not winging it" isn't really what they do. [Peter Parker] Uh, what exactly is it that they do? [Mantis] (As fiercely as an 8-week-old kitten) Kick names, take ass. [Drax] Yeah, that's right. (Agrees quietly as he settles into a stance facing the remaining Avengers.) [Tony Stark] (Tony pauses with an expression of deep hopelessness) Alright, just get over here, please. Mr. Lord, can you get your folks to circle up? [Peter Quill] "Mr. Lord." Star-Lord is fine. (Motions to Drax and Mantis,) [Tony Stark] We gotta coalesce. 'Cause if all we come at him with is a plucky attitude.... [Peter Quill] Dude, don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. Alright, we're optimistic, yes. I like your plan. Except it sucks, so let me do the plan, and that way it might be really good. (Peter Parker follows the conversation back and forth like a squash rally.) [Drax] Tell him about the dance-off to save the universe. [Tony Stark] What dance-off? [Peter Quill] It's not a... it's not... it's nothing. [Peter Parker] Like in Footloose, the movie? [Peter Quill] (Excitedly) Exactly like Footloose. Is it still the greatest movie in history? [Peter Parker] It never was. (Quill frowns sadly at him.) [Tony Stark] Don't encourage this, alright? [Peter Parker] Okay. [Tony Stark] We're getting no help from Flash Gordon here. [Peter Quill] Flash Gordon? By the way, that's a compliment. Don't forget, I'm half human. (Quill points at Stark and Parker) So that 50% of me that's stupid? That's 100% you. [Tony Stark] Your math is blowing my mind. [Mantis] Excuse me, but... does your friend often do that? (Dr. Strange is sitting cross-legged, floating slightly above the ground, his hands poised in a mystic gesture with the Time Stone glowing brightly in the Eye of Agamotto setting. Green vapor-like energy flows from the stone, and more intricate magical energy patterns circle Dr. Strange's forearms. The Cloak of Levitation flows behind him as if the Stone is creating a strong breeze. His eyes are closed, and his head is jerking rapidly from side to side, the motion blurring, but resembling looking for something.) [Tony Stark] Strange, we alright? (Dr. Strange snaps out of his trance and falls forward, letting out a cry.) [Tony Stark] You're back. You're alright. [Peter Parker] Hey, what was that? [Stephen Strange] (Panting) I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict. [Peter Quill] How many did you see? Stephen Strange:14,000,605. [Tony Stark] How many did we win? (Dr. Strange stares intently at Tony for a moment.) [Stephen Strange] (Pause) One. (Cut to Thanos and Gamora appearing on sand dunes alternating with shallow pools around the base of a mountain. The sun is in full eclipse, lending eerie lighting to the scene. Screen title: VORMIR) [Thanos] The stone had better be up there... for your sister's sake. (The walk up the mountain seems to be long, but not difficult. Paths worn by centuries or more of feet lead up to the summit, where Thanos and Gamora encounter a floating hooded figure). [Stonekeeper] Welcome, Thanos, son of A'lars. Gamora, daughter of Thanos. [Thanos] You know us? [Stonekeeper] It is my curse to know all who journey here. [Thanos] Where's the Soul Stone? [Stonekeeper] You should know... it extracts a terrible price. [Thanos] I am prepared. [Stonekeeper] We all think that at first. (The figure touches down and glides out of the shadows, revealing the face of who we know to be Johann "The Red Skull" Schmidt from Captain America: The First Avenger.) We are all wrong. (The Stonekeeper guides them to a temple-like structure at the summit.) [Thanos] How is it you know this place so well? [Red Skull] A lifetime ago, I, too, sought the stones. I even held one in my hand. But it cast me out, banished me here. Guiding others to a treasure I cannot possess. (They stop on a semicircular engraving overlooking a sheer drop. It descends in three shallow steps to a final half-circle cutout, the whole bisected by a deep cut that runs between the two spires behind them. Far, far below is a full circle with similar engraved decoration.) [Red Skull] What you seek lies before you. As does what you fear. [Thanos] What's this? [Red Skull] The price. Soul hold a special place among the Infinity Stones. You might say it has a certain wisdom. [Thanos] Tell me what it needs. [Red Skull] To ensure that whoever possesses it... understands its power.... The stone demands a sacrifice. [Thanos] Of what? [Red Skull] In order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love. A soul, for a soul. (Gamora begins to laugh at the irony of the situation.) [Gamora] All my life, I dreamed of a day... a moment when you would get what you deserved. And I was always so disappointed. But now... you kill and torture... and you call it mercy. The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize, and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing. No one. [Thanos] (Turns to face Gamora with tears in his eyes.) [Gamora] Really? Tears? [Red Skull] They're not for him. (Gamora looks at the Red Skull, and as her bitter smile fades, realizes what is about to happen, as do we.... ) [Gamora] No! This isn't love! [Thanos] (Thoroughly convicted.) I ignored my destiny once. I cannot do that again. Even for you. (Gamora stares down unseeing for a moment, then up at the resolution on his face. She grabs the red-jeweled dagger from his belt with lightning reflexes, triggers the blades and stabs herself in the stomach... except it's only bubbles.) I'm sorry, little one. (He grabs Gamora by the arm and walks inexorably to the precipice.) [Gamora] No! (She tries in vain to break from his grasp, much like she tried to pull free from the Child of Thanos so many years ago, but, pain showing clearly on his face, he throws her over the edge, and watches sorrowfully as she falls to her death. Light pulses overhead as the sacrifice is correctly accomplished.) (Thanos finds himself lying in one of the shallow pools back at the base of the mountain. He opens his hand and sees that he now has the orange Soul Stone.) (Cut to the Quinjet where Sam is piloting Rhodey, Steve, Natasha, Wanda, and Vision.) [Steve Rogers] (Walking up to the pilot's seat) Drop to 2600, heading 0-3-0. [Sam Wilson] I hope you're right about this, Cap. Or we're gonna land a lot faster than you want to. (The Quinjet passes through a camouflage force field into Wakanda's Golden City's valley and lands at the airfield outside the palace. King T'Challa and the Dora Milaje approach to greet the arrivals) [Okoye] (Walking with King T'Challa and a band of the Kingsguard to the landing pad) When you said we were going to open Wakanda to the rest of the world... this is not what I imagined. [T'Challa] And what did you imagine? [Okoye] The Olympics. Maybe even a Starbucks. (The occupants of the Quinjet disembark, Steve and Natasha leading, followed by Bruce and Rhodey, with Vision and Wanda slowly taking up the rear.) [Bruce Banner] (To Rhodey) Should we bow? [James Rhodes] (Seriously) Yeah, he's a king. [Steve Rogers] Seems like I'm always thanking you for something. (Shaking hands with King T'Challa.) (Bruce bows awkwardly to King T'Challa.) [James Rhodes] (Mock shocked) What are you doing? [T'Challa] Uh, we don't do that here. (He dissuades Bruce with a motion of his hand; Bruce shoots Rhodey a look, and is answered with a big grin) So how big of an assault can we expect? (The group begins to walk back into the administrative building.) [Bruce Banner] Uh, sir, I think you can expect quite a big assault. [Natasha Romanoff] How we looking? [King T'Challa] You will have my Kingsguard, the Border Tribe, the Dora Milaje, and... [Bucky Barnes] (Smiling as he walks toward Steve, passing some Kingsguard taking Vision and Wanda to another facility) A semi-stable, 100-year-old man. (The two friends share a hug.) [Steve Rogers] How you been, Buck? [Bucky Barnes] Uh, not bad, for the end of the world. (In Shuri's lab, Shuri scans the Stone with her kimoyo beads while Vision lies on the examination table. She flips her hand over and studies the hologram projected over her palm.) [Shuri] Whoa. The structure is polymorphic. [Bruce Banner] Right, we had to attach each neuron non-sequentially. [Shuri] Why didn't you just reprogram the synapses to work collectively? (Vision looks at Bruce as if to ask the same thing.) [Bruce Banner] (Uncertainly) Because, we didn't think of it. [Shuri] (Reassuringly, with a smile) I'm sure you did your best. [Wanda Maximoff] Can you do it? [Shuri] Yes, but there are more than two trillion neurons here. One misalignment could cause a cascade of circuit failures. (To King T'Challa) It will take time, brother. [Steve Rogers] How long? [Shuri] As long as you can give me. [Okoye] (Her kimoyo beads chime an alarm; she flicks one bead into her palm, where it projects the globe with a pulsing location marker) Something's entered the atmosphere. (Outside, Sam and Bucky look up at the sky) [Sam Wilson] (Over the Avengers' comm) Hey, Cap, we got a situation here. (The defense shield over the Golden City destroys one of the alien vessels when it slams into the field at full attack acceleration.) [Bucky Barnes] God, I love this place. [James Rhodes] (also outside, and now in full War Machine armor watching three more ships burn through the sky) Yeah, don't start celebrating yet, guys. We got more incoming outside the dome. (The shock waves and debris from the ship landings destroy acres of forest and boil up against the dome. The lab has an excellent view of the landing sites. Captain America and Black Panther look at each other in concern over the scope of what they'll be facing.) [Vision] (Struggling to sit up and slide off the exam table) It's too late. We need to destroy the stone now. [Natasha Romanoff] (Moving toward Vision) Vision, get your ass back on the table. [T'Challa] We will hold them off. (He, Okoye and the guards head for the door.) [Steve Rogers] (To Wanda) Wanda, as soon as the stone's out of his head... you blow it to hell. [Wanda Maximoff] I will. [T'Challa] Evacuate the city. Engage all defense procedures. (He stops, turns, and points at Steve) And get this man a shield. (Cut to Nivadellir where Rocket is in the pod, and Thor, without any environmental suit, jumps from the hull onto the ring surface with a cable in his hand attached to the pod.) [Rocket] I don't think you get the scientifics here. These rings are gigantic. You wanna get them moving, you're gonna need something a lot bigger to yank 'em loose. [Thor] Leave that to me. [Rocket] Leave that to you? Buddy, you're in space. All you got is a rope and a-- [Thor] (Thor begins to swing the pod around him in a circle. Rocket screams. Thor builds up speed with three good loops then slacks his grip enough to send the pod shooting straight away from Nidavellir, trailing him behind it like a kite tail.) Fire the engines! [Rocket] (Rocket shakes it off and puts the proverbial pedal to the metal.) Nnnyah! [Thor] (As the pod skims over the surface of the next ring out, Thor reaches down and digs one hand into the surface, then both feet, finally getting a foothold against the forward motion of the pod. The ice-like accumulation around the ring axis crackles.) MORE... POWER... RABBIT! (Thor commits bicep porn while Rocket accelerates for all he's worth. Finally the rings spin free, realigning into effective configuration as the star bursts back into life.) [Eitri] Well done, boy. (Thor, clutching the pod's forward windows, points to the star.) [Thor] That's Nivadellir! (Rocket gazes amazed at the blazing core. An iris on the cladding around the star opens, firing pure stellar heat through the ring portals and into the forge... until the damaged mechanism fails, crumbles loose and slams shut. The iris closes and the beam of light trails off.) [Eitri] Damn it. [Rocket] "Damn it"? What's "damn it"? [Eitri] The mechanism is crippled. [Thor] What? [Eitri] With the iris closed I can't heat the metal. [Thor] How long will it take to heat? [Eitri] A few minutes, maybe more. Why? [Thor] (Standing up on the pod hull) I'm gonna hold it open. [Eitri] That's suicide. [Thor] So is facing Thanos without that ax. (He leaps from the pod to the star's iris.) (Cut to the Wakandan battlefield. Carriers hover over the ground with Wakandan soldiers and Natasha, Steve and Bucky on board; Rhodey and Sam keep pace overhead, and Bruce is in the Hulkbuster armor.) [Natasha Romanoff] How we looking, Bruce? [Bruce Banner] (Leaping jogging along, keeping up with the carriers, and utterly delighted) Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it. Wow! It's like being the Hulk without actually-- (he stumbles on a rock, and a carrier goes by, from which Okoye gives him a dubious look. He stands) I'm okay. I'm okay. [James Rhodes] I got two heat signatures breaking through the tree line. (The heat signatures are Proxima Midnight and Cull Obsidian.) (The carrier pilots swerve into U-turns, causing their craft to tilt and allowing the practiced soldiers to slide over one side into a run, never coming to a complete halt. A Dora Milaje shouts a command nearby as the last Wakandans join ranks.) [Jabari Warriors] MIE EFFA! (Win them!) YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! (M'Baku, Lord of the Jabari, rallies his soldiers with a war chant. He stops as King T'Challa nears him.) [T'Challa] (Clasps wrists with M'Baku) Thank you for standing with us. [M'Baku] (Translated from Xhosa) Of course, brother. (The Black Panther, Captain America, and Black Widow walk to the edge of the barrier, where Proxima Midnight and Cull Obsidian stand. Proxima tests the strength of the barrier by drawing her sword across it consideringly.) [Natasha Romanoff] Where's your other friend? [Proxima Midnight] You will pay for his life with yours. Thanos will have that stone. [Steve Rogers] That's not gonna happen. [T'Challa] You are in Wakanda now. Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood. [Proxima Midnight] We... have blood to spare. (She brandishes her sword with a snarl, and the ships behind her start raising their outer hulls to allow their "passengers" to disembark.) (The three heroes return to the massed forces.) [Bucky Barnes] (A touch sardonically) Did they surrender? [Steve Rogers] Not exactly. (The Black Panther leads the Wakandans in the war cry "Yibambe!" telling them to hold fast as the Outriders bound toward the barrier; Proxima drops her sword arm down in the signal to attack.) [Bucky Barnes] (Flatly, astonished at the numbers of Outriders) What the hell. [Natasha Romanoff] Looks like we pissed her off. [Okoye] (Horrified, as the Outriders bombard the force-field, squeezing limbs and bodies partly through only to be bisected.) They're killing themselves. (As a few Outriders managed to squeeze through intact, the Border Tribe take a knee and raise their shields. The Kingsguard behind them level their sonic spears over their comrades' shoulders, and on Black Panther's command, fire at the approaching monsters. The Winter Soldier uses his M-249 machine gun, and Bruce fires the Hulkbuster's hand repulsors.) [Sam Wilson] (Sending Redwings into the fight as he flies, swooping to fire at them with his Steyr pistols) You seen the teeth on those things? [James Rhodes] Alright, back up, Sam. You're gonna get your wings singed. (He flies over the heaviest concentration of Outriders and drops a barrage of mines, all exploding fantastically.) (Everyone notices a pack of Outriders starting to run around the force-field to the right of the defenders' position.) [Bruce Banner] Cap, if these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us... there's nothing between them and Vision. [Steve Rogers] (Grimly) Them we better keep 'em in front of us. [Okoye] (To the Black Panther) How do we do that? [T'Challa] We open the barrier. (Putting his comm to his mouth) On my signal, open North-West Section Seventeen. [Dome Control] (Nervous and unsure) Requesting confirmation, my King. You said open the barrier? [T'Challa] On my signal. [M'Baku] (To Okoye) This will be the end of Wakanda. [Okoye] Then it will be the noblest ending in history. (Captain America readies one of his Vibranium hand guards. The Black Panther shouts a command in Xhosa; the Border Tribesmen disengage their shields and stand, as the Black Panther walks out in front of them, never taking his eyes off the enemy.) [T'Challa] WAKANDA FOREVER!!!! (He crosses his arms in the Wakandan salute and closes his Black Panther helmet, charging for the barrier. The heroes and leaders are at the fore of the charge. Halfway to the barrier, the Black Panther shouts into his comm) Now! (The Outriders pour through, distracted from trying to find any other access. The Black Panther and Captain America pull ahead rapidly due to their enhancements, and literally leap into battle.) [T'Challa] (Over his comm) How much longer, Shuri? [Shuri] We've barely begun, brother. (A delicate and intricate construction of gold light hovers at her eye level; as she manipulates it, the waldo tools reproduce her commands on the Mind Stone itself.) [T'Challa] You might want to pick up the pace. (Simultaneously, Thor prepares to open the iris of Nidavellir.) [Thor] Allfathers, give me strength. [Eitri] You understand, boy? You're about to take the full force of a star. It'll kill you. [Thor] Only if I die. (Takes deep breaths.) [Eitri] (Boggled) Yes. That's what... "killing you" means. (Thor grasps the two levers and pulls them down and towards himself, slowly opening the iris. The stream of stellar energy blasts pasts him and into the forge once again.) [Eitri] Hold it! Hold it, Thor! (Eitri watches the metal ingots melt while Thor is looking increasingly charred. Finally, Eitri is able to tip the cauldron, pouring the metal into the mold just as Thor passes out. The jet carries him into the forge, Rocket follows hastily and landing after Thor bounces limply off a structure to land on the floor. Groot finally looks up from his game at the thump Thor's body makes.) [Rocket] (Kneeling over Thor) Thor! Say something. Come on. Thor, you okay? (Thor looks far from "okay".) (Eitri clumsily and urgently pulls the mold, still glowing red-hot, onto the floor, breaking it loose from its frame, then starts punching the mold itself with his metal fists to free the ax.) [Rocket] I think he's dying! [Eitri] He needs the ax! Where's the handle? Tree, help me find the handle! (Stormbreaker's two sections -- the hammer and the ax-blade -- lay glowing on the floor. Groot looks sadly at Thor, then scowls with determination. He stands, and extends his fingers towards Stormbreaker, growing them at extraordinary speed. As he twines them around the two parts, he cries out at the burning pain but does not hesitate, slamming them together and locking them permanently into one structure. He raises it above his head, and with a mighty cry, chops his extended arm with his other hand to sever it at the right length.Thor's fingers twitch, and the new weapon levitates in a crackle of lightning echoed by the sparks between Thor's fingers.) (The remaining Avengers and Wakandans are struggling against the Outriders. The Winter Soldier goes down, and fights off Outrider fangs snapping at his head. Captain America and the Black Panther still fight side-by-side. War Machine hovers over the breach, pouring ammunition into the flood of bodies until a huge hammer -- Cull Obsidian's -- knocks him out of the sky and to the ground. The Hulkbuster is dogpiled and pinned.) [Bruce Banner] There’s too many of them! GYAH! AAAAHHHHH! (Suddenly, a large beam of rainbow-hued light lands in the middle of the action, and an ax flies out of it, wreathed with lightning and tearing through the Outriders, freeing the heroes. It flies back to the light and into its master's hand just as the beam cuts out, revealing Thor, Groot and Rocket (The Avengers theme swelling triumphantly at their arrival) who chambers a round in his large gun. Black Widow, Captain America and the Black Panther pause in astonishment. Proxima Midnight and Cull Obsidian pause in apprehension.) [Bruce Banner] (Opening the Hulkbuster's helm and laughing with joy) AH-hahaha! You guys are so screwed now! [Thor] BRING ME THANOS! (He charges toward the hordes of Outriders, followed by Groot and Rocket, lightning gathering around him until he finally launches himself into the air, lands in the densest concentration of Outriders and makes a crater where they had stood.) (Cut to Titan, where Thanos arrives, finding only fresh debris from Ebony Maw's ship.) [Stephen Strange] (Sitting on what may have been plaza steps once) Oh, yeah, you're much more of a "Thanos." [Thanos] I take it the Maw is dead. This day extracts a heavy toll. Still, he accomplished his mission. [Stephen Strange] You may regret that. He brought you face-to-face with the Master of the Mystic Arts. [Thanos] And where do you think he brought you? (Star-Lord crouches behind wreckage with his weapon ready, behind Thanos and to his left; Spider-Man peeks from above and behind Doctor Strange.) [Stephen Strange] Let me guess. Your home? [Thanos] (Smiling reminiscently) It was. And it was beautiful. (Thanos curls his gauntleted fist and activates the Reality Stone to show Strange Titan before it was destroyed -- green lawns, intact buildings, water-filled ponds, strolling citizens, the jack-like structures hovering and connected to the ground-based buildings with beams of energy.) Titan was like most planets. Too many mouths, and not enough to go around. And when we faced extinction, I offered a solution. [Stephen Strange] Genocide. [Thanos] But at random, dispassionate, fair to rich and poor alike. They called me a madman. And what I predicted came to pass. (He relaxes his fist; the Stone stops glowing and the illusion fades back into the true state of Titan.) [Stephen Strange] (Sarcastically) Congratulations. You're a prophet. [Thanos] I'm a survivor. [Stephen Strange] Who wants to murder trillions. [Thanos] With all six stones, I could simply snap my fingers, and they would all cease to exist. I call that... mercy. [Stephen Strange] (Stands) And then what? [Thanos] I finally rest... and watch the sun rise on a grateful universe. The hardest choices require the strongest wills. [Stephen Strange] (He summons his Mandalas, entering a fighting pose) I think... you'll find... our will... equal to yours. [Thanos] Ours? (He looks up to a see a chunk of wreckage descending rapidly on him, too rapidly to react -- and powered by Iron Man. He is subsequently crushed by it.) [Tony Stark] (Flying in) Piece of cake, Quill. [Peter Quill] (Triggers his mask and follows) Yeah, if your goal was to piss him off! (The wreckage on top of Thanos erupts in purple, as he bellows in rage. He turns the hovering fragments into a flock of bats with the Reality Stone and swarms Iron Man with them, driving him back through the ruins.) (Spider-Man webs his eyes, and swings in to kick him in the face at the same time that Drax leaps from cover, blades in both hands, to knee-slide behind Thanos and try for a tendon slide across the back of the Titan's knee.) (Doctor Strange jumps through a portal and summons a sword of golden energy, dueling with Thanos while Drax attacks similarly on his other side. Thanos punches Drax through a ruined wall, then shatters the blade with one hand and tears the web from his eyes. He advances on Doctor Strange and kicks at him, but Strange's shield absorbs the damage -- the Cloak lifts him free of the ground.) (Star-Lord has been making his way back on the ground, and shoots Thanos from behind. Thanos uses the Power Stone to shoot balls of energy at Star-Lord while Star-Lord leaps towards Thanos using magical platforms thrown in his path by Doctor Strange, the last one placed above Thanos' head so Star-Lord can flip over him and slap a mine on Thanos' back. Star-Lord sticks his landing, he disengages his helmet, flips Thanos a bird and falls backward into a portal.) [Peter Quill] Boom! (The explosion knocks Thanos to his knees and dazes him briefly.) [Stephen Strange] (Whispers to the Cloak of Levitation) Do not let him close his fist. (The Cloak swoops off Doctor Strange's shoulders and wraps itself tightly around Thanos' armored hand, who starts tugging at this unexpected wrapping.) (Doctor Strange starts throwing portals everywhere. Spider-Man leaps through one on Thanos' left) [Peter Parker] Magic! (He punches Thanos in the head and vanishes through a portal to the lower right before reappearing above Thanos) More magic! (He yanks Thanos' head down hard, then leaps into a portal in front of him. He leaps through another portal high and behind Thanos) Magic with a kick! (Delivers a flying kick and falls feet-first into an exit, then appears on his right) Magic with a-- (Before he can finish Thanos turns, grabbing him from the air, and throwing him to the ground, with his hand around his neck.) [Thanos] Insect! (He then throws him at Doctor Strange, knocking them both down. Thanos finally tears the Cloak away and is then promptly surrounded by fiery explosions as Iron Man bombards him. He sucks all the flame into the gauntlet with the Power Stone and fires it in a stream at Iron Man, hitting him dead on and sending him far away, plowing through a massive fallen machine.) (Spider-Man leaps from behind, more conventionally this time, while Thanos concentrates his fire on Iron Man, webs the gauntlet and drops down in front of him, pulling hard -- but Thanos yanks on the web-line, pulling the much lighter teenager towards him, and punching him on his way past. He tears the webbing free of the gauntlet just in time for a small spaceship to attempt to crash-land on him.) (The ship drags Thanos along for a distance, burying him under debris. He stands just as the pilot leaps in a great arc to punch him, landing in front of him with an energy-blade at the ready.) [Thanos] Well, well. [Nebula] You should have killed me. [Thanos] It would've been a waste of parts! [Nebula] (She runs at Thanos, attacking him with her sword) Where's Gamora?! (Thanos punches her away. Doctor Strange uses the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak to pinion the gauntlet, pulling Thanos' fingers open and trying to pry the gauntlet off his hand.) (Thanos tries to pull free, as Drax slides in from his right, kicking his knee and knocking him off-balance, then wrapping himself around Thanos' kneeling leg.) (Star-Lord shoots a electric trap onto the ground to Thanos' right, the tangle-field holding down his unarmored hand.) (Spider-Man swings in, webs Thanos' chest then wraps it around behind him, digging his Iron Spider legs into the ground to anchor himself.) (Doctor Strange opens a portal straight above Thanos' out of which drops Mantis, landing on the Titan's shoulders, her hands on his temples. He bellows as she tries to put him under.) (Iron Man, having returned, is pulling on the gauntlet. Doctor Strange reapplies the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak to reinforce the trap's hold on Thanos' right hand, and the Cloak helps him pull. Thanos is finally subdued enough to incapacitate, not fully asleep.) [Tony Stark] (While pulling) Is he under? Don't let up. [Mantis] (Starting to cry) Be quick. He is very strong. [Tony Stark] Parker, help! Get over here. (Spider-Man drops his web-line, and hurries to help Tony with the gauntlet) She can't hold him much longer. Let's go. [Peter Quill] (Flies over to join the others, stands in front of Thanos, tauntingly) I thought you'd be harder to catch. For the record, this was my plan. Not so strong now, huh? Where is Gamora? [Thanos] My Gamora...? [Peter Quill] No, bull-shit. Where is she? [Mantis] (Shocked) He is in anguish. [Peter Quill] Good. [Mantis] (Crying) He… he mourns. [Drax] What does this monster have to mourn? [Nebula] Gamora. [Peter Quill] (Pause) What? [Nebula] (Realizing with horror and sadness what has happened) He took her to Vormir. He came back with the Soul Stone... but she didn't. [Tony Stark] (Frasps the danger immediately and de-helmets) Okay, Quill, you gotta cool it right now, you understand? (Quill slowly turns to Thanos,) [Tony Stark] (Shouting his pleads desperately) Don't, don't, don't engage, we've almost got this off! [Peter Quill] Tell me she's lying. (Enraged) Asshole! Tell me you didn't do it! [Thanos] I... had... to. [Peter Quill] (While starting to tear up; quietly) No, you didn't…! No, you didn't…! (He continues to rage and then pistol-whipping Thanos twice in the face, causing Mantis to let go in pain.) NO, YOU DIDN'T! [Tony Stark] Quill! (Iron Man leaps for Star-Lord's arm, re-helmeting and leaving Spider-Man to pull off the gauntlet.) [Tony Stark] (To the struggling Star-Lord) Hey, stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! [Peter Parker] It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! (Getting the fingers completely loose) I got it! I got it.... ! (Thanos wakes completely, now well and truly furious. He head-butts Mantis, grabbing the cuff of the gauntlet just as it is sliding off his hand, causing Spider-Man to stumble back, and then throwing Mantis away off his shoulders.) [Peter Parker] (Seeing Mantis with far too much air under her) Oh, God. (He jumps and wraps his arms and legs around her, extending his spider legs to form a roll cage for a safe landing.) (Thanos kicks Drax off his right leg and into Nebula and Star-Lord, knocking them down. He yanks on the Crimson Bands holding his right hand to throw Doctor Strange far away, and swats away Iron Man and his repulsor shots. The remaining Guardians jump up and charge him again, but he fires a pulse of indigo energy at them that knocks the three of them completely unconscious.) (Iron Man zooms back in, his nanite arm cannon manifested, and is head-butted to the ground. Thanos looks at him for a beat, then raises the gauntlet towards Titan's moon. Iron Man stares, aghast. Thanos uses a combination of the Power and Space Stones to shatter the moon's surface, then bring the debris down on the field of battle at speed. Iron Man powers out of the way but is caught by a chunk of moon about the size of a baseball field, slamming him into the ground. The Guardians go sailing into the air from the rebound.) (Back in Wakanda, Shuri is working steadily to complete the Mind Stone's removal; Wanda stands by tensely) (The Kingsguard, Borderers and Jabari have little success going against Cull Obsidian's chained hammer -- he either sends them flying or punches them into the ground. The Black Panther gets free of his other sorties, leaps and uses all his collected kinetic energy behind a punch that lays Obsidian flat.) [Rocket] (Having found a clear spot) Come and get some, space dogs! (Another wave of Outriders heads right for the raccoon-oid. The Winter Soldier, having come up behind Rocket, grabs him with his mechanical arm, holds him at arms length and spins 540 degrees, firing his own M-249 at the same time.) Come on, get some, get some! Come on, get some! (The Winter Soldier drops Rocket, who looks up at him with an impressed gleam) How much for the gun? [Bucky Barnes] (Snaps off another burst) Not for sale. [Rocket] Okay, how much for the arm? (The Winter Soldier just gives him a look and moves off) Oh, I'll get that arm. (The tides of battle cause Thor, using Stormbreaker to great effect, and Captain America together. They take a breather.) [Steve Rogers] (Panting) New haircut? [Thor] (Grinning) Notice you've copied my beard. (Captain America nods, wearily gesturing at his own face with a shield-covered hand. Groot skewers three Outriders with his right arm.) [Thor] By the way, this is a friend of mine. Tree. (Gestures towards Groot with Stormbreaker) [Groot] (In full battle snarl) I AM GROOT! (Translation: You gonna help me or what?!) [Steve Rogers] (Formally, but bemused) I am Steve Rogers. (In Shuri's lab, a deep rumbling can be heard even at their height. Wanda looks down on the battlefield, and sees movement through the blazing forest between the troopships and the dome. When the disturbance reaches the edge of the trees, it turns into vast moving mounds of earth that easily bypass the force field and emerge -- Threshers, sets of massive, motorized spiked wheels, intended for nothing more than shredding everything in their paths.) [T'Challa] Fall back! Fall back now! (Wanda watches as at least one set of Threshers separates into individual wheels and starts veering all over the battlefield, and then looks anxiously back at Vision) [James Rhodes] Focus that fire on the left flank, Sam. [Sam Wilson] I'm doing it. (The two fliers use their firepower to crack a Thresher but cannot find a weak spot.) (Black Widow with her escrima sticks and Okoye with her augmented spear have drifted together when they're suddenly in the path of a Thresher. Both women cringe at their seemingly inevitable shredding when the Scarlet Witch lands in front of both of them, eyes glowing red, lifting the whole Thresher well clear of the ground. Looking behind her, the friendly forces have scattered and replaced by a charging mob of Outriders -- the perfect place to throw a Thresher. Black Widow straightens with a pleased smile, Okoye with an amazed look.) [Okoye] (A touch indignant) Why was she up there all this time? (The Children of Thanos help answer that question.) [Proxima Midnight] She's on the field. Take it. (Corvus Glaive kills one of the guards just outside the lab, alerting Shuri to the problem. She starts hastily disconnecting her equipment from Vision's systems; he gasps at the sensations. The Dora Milaje engages Glaive but is sent skidding across the floor. Shuri finishes her shutdown, grabs one of her sonic panther-paws and fires at Glaive. The Dora attacks again, and Glaive sends both her and Shuri through the balcony railing and onto the main lab floor.) (Vision is not where Corvus Glaive expects to find him. Vision is, in fact, charging at him and knocking him out the window to fall many meters down the face of Mount Bashenga.) [Sam Wilson] Guys, we got a Vision situation here. (He's tackled by a leaping Outrider and grounded.) [Steve Rogers] Somebody get to Vision! [Bruce Banner] I got him! (Bruce has figured out the Hulkbusters repulsor thrusters and makes a beeline for the android.) [Wanda Maximoff] On my way. (She is clobbered by Proxima Midnight's pommel and rolls down into the large ditch from the Thresher before she can move.) [Proxima Midnight] (Jumping down next to the Scarlet Witch) He'll die alone. As will you. [Natasha Romanoff] She's not alone. (Okoye silently brandishes her spear on the other side of Proxima and nods at Black Widow.) [Proxima Midnight] Euuyaaah! (She leaps for Black Widow, who has joined her sticks into a full staff. She blocks Proxima's blow with an electrical crackle while Okoye runs around the slope to also attack from the front.) (Corvus Glaive kicks Vision, knocking him down; as he attempts to rise again, Cull Obsidian shows up and swings his hammer in a full arc, throwing Vision even further. He painfully starts to climb to his feet again when a whooshing overhead interrupts the fight as Bruce Banner lands the Hulkbuster between the aliens and the android. He takes a defensive stance, pointing one hand's repulsor at each.) [Bruce Banner] Oh no, oh no you don't. This isn't going to be like New York, pal. This suit's already kicked the crap out of the Hulk-- (Cull Obsidian jumps forward, grabs Bruce's right arm and Bruce in reflex grabs Obsidian's hammer; a jet fires, taking the two of them in a random direction, to the base of a waterfall.) [Bruce Banner] Guys! Vision needs backup now! (Obsidian pulls the Hulkbuster up and kicks it in the small of the back.) (Trying to change into the Hulk while fighting Cull Obsidian in the Hulkbuster armor) Hulk. Hulk, I know you like making your entrance at the last second, well, this is it, man. This is the last, last second. (Bruce extends his left hand protectively; Obsidian grabs the armor's hand, chops the shoulder joint with a relatively small axe then does a roll over Bruce's back to leverage snapping off the Hulkbuster's whole arm) Ahhhhh! Hulk! Hulk! HULK! [Hulk] (Banner's face briefly becomes the Hulk) NOOOO!!! [Bruce Banner] Oh, screw you, ya big green asshole! I'll do it myself! (To Obsidian) Come on! (He charges the alien, jumps into the air and delivers an effective punch with his remaining hand -- swat, punch, hammer -- except that blow is caught by Obsidian, who punches back, knocking Bruce flat. Obsidian changes his left hand armor into a pointed weapon, and lunges forward to deliver a likely fatal blow, when Bruce grabs the detached Hulkbuster arm out of the water, holding it so Obsidian impales that instead, and slaps the controls.) [Bruce Banner] See you later, Alligator! (The repulsors fire, taking Cull Obsidian high into the air -- high enough, in fact, to intersect the defense dome. The Hulkbuster arm drags Obsidian against the field to grotesque destructive effect, ending in a very final explosion.) Hulk, we got a lot to figure out, pal. (Proxima Midnight alternates heavy blows between her two opponents, but all three of them duck as a single-wheel Thresher tears overhead, the ditch sparing them most of the danger from the wheel-blades. Proxima uses the distraction to kick Black Widow in the face, sending her to the ground. She then grabs Okoye by the shoulder and weapon and throws her meters away.) (Simultaneously, Corvus Glaive and Vision struggle in the forest at the foot of Mount Bashenga. Glaive grasps Vision's shoulder and uses the leverage to plunge his blade once more into the android's chest.) [Corvus Glaive] I thought you were formidable, machine. But you're dying, like any man. (He yanks his blade out, and Vision collapses. As he bends over his fallen opponent to retrieve the Stone, he's tackled by Captain America at full speed.) [Steve Rogers] Get outta here! (He exchanges blows with Glaive, using his arm-shields as offence as well as defense, then turns to Vision again) GO! (Black Widow splits her staff back into a pair of sticks to block Proxima Midnight's sword blows, and finally knocks it from her hand. The alien takes to her bare fists instead, knocks down and pins the Black Widow. Proxima triggers an arm-blade from her left-arm armor, and stabs at Black Widow, who barely manages to block the blade with her crossed sticks. As the edge starts to dig into Black Widow's neck anyway, scarlet energy grabs the alien and tosses her into the air right into the path of another passing Thresher. Dark blue blood spatters the women below. The Scarlet Witch sits up, sighing with relief, her hands still shimmering.) [Natasha Romanoff] That was really gross. (Captain America keeps blocking Corvus Glaive's staff weapon using his shields, finally knocking it from the alien's hands just before he's thrown over a fallen tree and pinned, Glaive's hand at his throat. Even with his physical abilities, Captain America's struggling -- until a glaive-blade pierces Glaive's chest, and is pushed all the way through. Vision raises his enemy in a perfect mirror of the first attack on him, and holds him for a moment, before dropping Glaive's corpse to one side and collapsing exhaustively.) [Steve Rogers] (helping him back up) I thought I told you to go. [Vision] We don't trade lives, Captain. (The remaining Guardians and Avengers are dealing with the gravitic aftermath of dumping a large chunk of moon onto an unstable planet's surface. The unconscious Guardians are flying upwards uncontrollably, moon-chunks are still making fiery ballistic in-bounds, and random debris and massive rocks are floating in any possible direction. Spider-Man is well-equipped to handle this physically, even if he's freaking out emotionally.) [Peter Parker] (Webs Mantis) I got you! I got you! (Snags Drax, securing both of them to something not moving) I'm sorry I can't remember anybody's names! (Reels in Star-Lord) (The Cloak of Levitation sets Doctor Strange down on a relatively stable outcrop as Thanos extricates himself from rubble. The Sorcerer Supreme makes a few passes with his hands, producing the familiar golden magic filigree circles, and slams his hands down on the rock before him, invoking the Seven Suns of Cinnibus as a lightning-like effect of immense heat jumping from rock to rock until it reaches Thanos, sending him flying -- but he makes use of the erratic gravity to keep control and fire back a blast from the Power Stone.) (Doctor Strange blocks the purple plume with a wall of Mirror Dimension, which he then pushes back at Thanos. It shatters around the Titan, who suctions the magic into a miniature black hole with the Space Stone, volleying it back at Doctor Strange. Just in time, Doctor Strange raises a shield and changes the dark energy into a swarm of aqua butterflies which return to their master.) (Before Thanos can counterattack again, Doctor Strange levitates and invokes the Images of Ikonn, giving him arms like a Hindu deity before dozens of Strange replications rush away, forming a circular wall around a snarling Thanos. They call cast magical cords, wrapping around Thanos' torso, arms and hands; he struggles to close his gauntleted fist, and uses the Soul and Power Stones to discover the real Doctor Strange among the many copies, blowing the duplicates away and sending the singular Doctor Strange reeling. Reality and Space pull Doctor Strange forward, Thanos grasping him by the throat once in range. Doctor Strange grabs futilely at Thanos' hand.) [Thanos] You're full of tricks, wizard. [Stephen Strange] (as Thanos reaches for the Eye of Agamotto) No! [Thanos] (He snaps the Eye off its chain) Yet you never once used your greatest weapon. (He crushes it in his bare hand) A fake. (He throws Doctor Strange hard enough that Doctor Strange's head hits stone and he passes out.) (Almost simultaneously, a red and gold device slaps into the palm of the Infinity Gauntlet, bracing the fingers open; and a red and gold Avenger makes a fast and hard entrance.) [Tony Stark] (sounding just about done with the Titan) You throw another moon at me, and I'm gonna to lose it. [Thanos] Stark. [Tony Stark] You know me? [Thanos] I do. You're not the only one cursed with knowledge. [Tony Stark] My only curse is you. (Small rockets pop out of Iron Man's back and launch at Thanos.) [Thanos] Come on! (The rockets all explode on target, momentarily shrouding Thanos in smoke. Before it clears, Iron Man pile drives into Thanos horizontally, using his single super-jet boot configuration. As he bounces off, he flips and sticks his landing, immediately re-configuring his boots into ground clamps for stability and his gloves into rocket-driven battering rams, punching Thanos into a ruined wall behind him.) (Thanos shakes it off quickly, reaches forward and tears Iron Man's helmet off, revealing Tony's surprised expression before the suit recovers automatically and re-forms his head protection. The Titan makes use of the fractional delay and punches back hard, sending Iron Man sliding meters away, giving Thanos time to rip the brace device off the gauntlet. He immediately uses the Power Stone to stream furiously lambent energy at his opponent, who forms a shield to kneel behind just as instantly, getting pushed back even further by the incredible force.) (Iron Man slides out from behind the shield, letting the angled energy push him away for a faster start, and whips back to Thanos full thrusters; he kicks at the Titan with his left foot, turning the boot into a ground clamp at the same time to pin the gauntlet, and keeps twisting while his left glove becomes a ram again, slamming into Thanos' face, cutting his cheek.) [Thanos] (Panting) All that for a drop of blood. (He smiles briefly punches Iron Man, sending him pinwheeling, then starts beating him with his fists. Iron Man attempts to block the blows with his forearms, but Thanos is relentless, picking him up by the helmet and blasting his midsection with the Power Stone. The gaps in nanite coverage are now gaping, as the armor loses the ability to recover from the intensity and extent of the damage. Iron Man lands hard from the Power blast, struggles to one knee and fires his right hand repulsor at the inexorable Thanos; the beam is easily deflected by the gauntlet. He gets to both feet as the suit tries to complete repairs, adding the beam from his left hand as well. Thanos walks right up to him, and backhands the incomplete helmet completely off Tony's head. He crosses his arms to block a blow from Thanos' gauntlet, and has his left hand caught over his head. In desperation, he forms what's left of his right glove into a short-sword, which is also easily caught by Thanos, snapping it off clean and driving it through Tony's left side. The fight is over.) (Thanos walks Tony back until he sits, and places the gauntlet almost comfortingly on Tony's head.) [Thanos] You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive. (He lets go, straightens and steps back) I hope they remember you. (Tony's just a little distracted with the pain, and blood drooling out of his mouth, and compromised breathing.) (Thanos raises the gauntlet, closing his fist, all four Stones glowing) [Stephen Strange] Stop! (Sitting up and sounding entirely damaged) Spare his life... and I will give you the stone. [Thanos] No tricks. (Doctor Strange shakes his head as Thanos points all four Stones at him instead.) [Tony Stark] Don't...! (Doctor Strange reaches up and plucks the Time Stone out of its hiding place in the stars. He opens his hand, the scars on his fingers and their inherent trembling particularly obvious now, and the Stone floats to Thanos' bare hand. Doctor Strange watches him intently, as he takes the Stone and drops it into the thumb setting, the energy pulse making the Titan wince.) [Thanos] One to go. (An energy blast hits the gauntlet right in the empty Mind Stone setting, and Thanos grimaces in surprise.) [Peter Quill] (Screaming in incoherent rage, helmet up, firing with both hands and flying straight for Thanos.) (Thanos doesn't even bother responding to the assault -- he just leaves. Star-Lord flies through where Thanos had been and crashes, rolling several times) [Peter Quill] (Standing and de-helmeting) Where is he?! (Tony stitches up his stab wound as well as he can with his suit functions; he has no breath for answers.) [Peter Quill] (Now fearful instead of furious) Did we just lose? [Tony Stark] (To Doctor Strange, sadly, who has given the Time Stone to Thanos) Why would you do that? [Stephen Strange] We're in the Endgame now. (M'Baka bashes another Outrider -- the ground game has improved considerably with the addition of the God of Thunder. His tribesmen are equally successful around him.) [M'Baku] MAYEFA! [Jabari Warriors] YA HU HU! (Thor is in the air, using Stormbringer on the Outrider drop ships which are now retreating. He is having considerably more success than the Wakandan Dragon fliers firing on the fleeing ships.) [Wanda Maximoff] (landing as she finally locates Vision) Are you okay? (Vision flinches in pain before he can answer) What? What is it? [Vision] He's here. (The wind picks up. It feels... strange. Eerie.) [Steve Rogers] Everyone, on my position. We have incoming. (He is joined by the Black Widow, Falcon, Okoye and the Black Panther in short order.) [Natasha Romanoff] What the hell? [Bruce Banner] (Bruce sees the blue-black clouds of a Space Stone relocation just before Thanos steps forward, and confirms this isn't just another member of the Black Order) Cap. That's him. [Steve Rogers] Eyes up. Stay sharp. (Bruce reaches Thanos first, lunging forward fist-first -- but Thanos uses the Space Stone on him, renders him immaterial until the Hulkbuster is half-buried in the stone of the cliff behind him, and freezes Bruce in place.) (Captain America is sent flying by purple energy before he even gets to strike a single blow.) (The Black Panther, armor fully charged kinetically, leaps high and with claws extended, but is easily grabbed by the throat and punched to the ground, his armor discharging violently.) (Falcon stoops, strafing with both Steyr pistols, but is felled when his wings become rubbery and unable to sustain flight.) [Vision] Wanda. It's time. [Wanda Maximoff] No. [Vision] They can't stop him, Wanda, but we can. Look at me. You have the power to destroy the stone. [Wanda Maximoff] Don't. [Vision] You must do it. Wanda, please. We. Are. Out of time. [Wanda Maximoff] I can't. [Vision] Yes, you can. You can. If he gets the stone, half the universe dies. [Wanda Maximoff] It's not fair. [Vision] It shouldn't be you, but it is. It's all right. You could never hurt me. I just... feel you. (The Scarlet Witch extends a trembling hand and starts beaming her energy at the Mind Stone.) (The following action is mostly muted. War Machine joins the fight, firing his guns at Thanos until he uses the gauntlet to crush his armor around him and toss him aside.) (The Winter Soldier runs in firing, and is punched away by the Power Stone.) (Okoye activates the Vibranium-powered elements on her spear and flings it; Power stops it inches from Thanos, and throws her and it aside while wrapping the Black Widow in inescapable bands of earth.) (Groot stabs his hands into the ground to wrap Thanos in cables of roots, which he breaks easily.) (The Scarlet Witch watches all this over one shoulder, and turns back to Vision to add her left hand to her tearful effort.) (Captain America slides under one blow and comes up swinging his deployed arm-shields, punching Thanos in the gut and chin. He grabs the gauntlet, keeping Thanos' fingers un-clenched. Thanos looks very briefly impressed at Captain America's efforts as he screams before slamming a fist into his head and rendering him insensible.) (The Scarlet Witch looks over her shoulder again and sees Thanos approaching unopposed. She swings her left hand around to fend him off with a stream of scarlet energy, and pushes him back despite his blue-purple energy shield, but then he starts to make slow headway.) [Vision] (Very softly) It's all right. It's all right. I love you. (At those words, the yellow Mind Stone finally starts to crack. Vision's face is overcome by an expression of joyful peace, and as the crystal fragments completely, a pulse of pure yellow energy explodes from him, shuddering the trees for many meters around his epicenter. Wanda's and Thanos' energy subsides.) [Thanos] (Walking closer to the Scarlet Witch) I understand, my child. Better than anyone. [Wanda Maximoff] (Snarls) You could never. [Thanos] (Reaches down to presume to stroke her hair, as if in comfort) Today, I lost more than you can know. But now is no time to mourn. Now... is no time at all. (He reaches forward, clenching the gauntlet, emerald filigree surrounding his wrist, making a gesture very similar to that Doctor Strange made when activating the Eye of Agamotto. In response, a bead of yellow light starts gathering in on itself as time is reversed and growing in size, solidifying into an intact and conscious Vision) [Wanda Maximoff] No! (She lunges for Vision and is swatted away.) (Thanos picks up Vision by the throat, lifting him to eye-level, and digs the fingers of his right hand into Vision's forehead, digging out the Mind Stone. He pulls it loose, and Vision goes limp and colorless; he tosses the lifeless android aside like trash. Bringing his gauntleted hand up, he slowly moves the Mind Stone over the last empty setting, and drops it in. The energy surge is much more than any previous -- his torso is wreathed with iridescent static and he bellows from the sensations.) (As Thanos studies the completed gauntlet, a massive bolt of lighting strikes him, digging him into the ground and grinding him back for meters. Thor has arrived, eyes glowing with power, stooping down from the sky like a bird of prey. The God of Thunder pauses his attack, reverses his position, raises Stormbreaker above his head and hurls it -- Thanos fires the whole might of the gauntlet against it, but it only creates a rainbow-like bow-shock, not slowing the ax as it slams right into Thanos' chest. ) [Thor] (Lands in front of Thanos, who is down on one knee; hatefully.) I told you. You'd die for that! (reffering to the deaths of Loki and Heimdall) (He takes hold of the back of Thanos' head and forces Stormbreaker deeper into his chest, staring angrily into his eyes while Thanos cries out in pain) [Thanos] (Weakly) You should have... you... (suddenly stronger) You should have gone for the head! (He raises his gauntlet and snaps his fingers.) [Thor] NO! (The scene whites out. It cuts sharply to a view of Thanos his hand on his chest, no wounds visible. Thanos now seems to be inside the Soul Stone, where he sees a child and the pavilion from the home world of the Zen-Whoberi.) [Thanos] Daughter? (the child turns around revealing to be Young Gamora.) [Gamora] Did you do it? [Thanos] Yes. [Gamora] (Beat) What did it cost? [Thanos] (Solemnly) Everything. (Now out of the Soul World, Thanos is snapped back to normal reality, and notices the damage inflicted on the gauntlet -- the metal scorched and distorted from heat, the stones no longer glowing.) [Thor] What'd you do? (Angrily) WHAT'D YOU DO?! (Thanos nearly seems to not notice Thor before he uses the Space Stone and teleports away, leaving Stormbreaker behind on Wakandan ground.) [Steve Rogers] (Stumbles into the clearing, holding his left side) Where'd he go? Thor... where'd he go? [Bucky Barnes] Steve? (Bucky suddenly stumbles over, drops his gun and collapses into ashes, much to Steve's shock; he walks over and touches the ground where Bucky's ashes evaporated disbelievingly.) (On the battlefield, Wakandan soldiers disintegrate to ashes, much to M'Baku's horror.) [T'Challa] (While reaching for a fallen Okoye) Up, General. Up! This is no place to die. (King T'Challa holds out his hand for Okoye. He suddenly disintegrates into ashes and, in anguish, Okoye falls back on the ground. Few seconds later, she gets up herself.) [Okoye] Kumkani?! [Groot] (Slowly corrodes into ashes as well by Rocket) I am Groot... (TRANSLATION: "Dad?") (off-screen Okoye repeats herself) [Rocket] No... no. No. No. No! Groot, no... (Wanda is mourning over Vision. She then turns into ashes. An injured Sam turns to ashes, hidden in the undergrowth.) [James Rhodes] (Searching for Sam, missing him by only a few feet) Sam? (Back to Okoye is is whimpering for her disintegrated king) Sam, where you at?! (On Titan, the remaining members of the Guardians and Avengers collect themselves -- Mantis props up Star-Lord, Spider-Man helps Tony to his feet, Drax and Nebula manage to limp over on their own.) [Mantis] Something's happening. (She disintegrates into ashes.) (Quill looks behind him as he sees Drax disintegrate) [Drax] (To Quill as he dissolves) Quill? (Quill stares in horror as he turns back to Stark.) [Tony Stark] (Staring panicked at the slowly fading Quill) Steady, Quill. [Peter Quill] Aw, man. (Quill also gets disintegrated into ashes) [Stephen Strange] (Calmly turns to Stark) Tony, there was no other way. (He finally gets erased.) [Peter Parker] (Realizes he's fading away) Mr. Stark? (Stark stares horrified at Parker,) I don't feel so good... [Tony Stark] (Trying to be calm, his voice shaking as he looks at Peter in terror) You're all right? [Peter Parker] (Stumbling and terrified) I don't know what's -- I don't know what's happening. I don't-- (Parker falls into Stark's arms, clutching him tight while beginning to cry.) I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go... (There is a short silence before Peter speaks again) I'm sorry. (Parker disintegrates into ashes in Stark's arms.) (Tony falls forward from the lack of weight in his arms, before staring at his hands in disbelief.) [Nebula] (To Tony Stark, seeing Thanos' victory.) He did it. (Stark mourns silently at their failure. Back on Wakanda, the remaining team members, Captain America, Thor, War Machine, Black Widow, Bruce Banner, and Rocket are left mourning near Vision's dead body. Captain America turns over Vision's bleached corpse as Black Widow runs up to the other survivors.) [James Rhodes] What is this? What the hell is happening? [Steve Rogers] (Pause) Oh, God. (Meanwhile, in a different place, in a rustic house on a terraced slope with a scarecrow made of discarded armor, Thanos sits down and watches the sun rise.) (In the mid-credits scene, nothing is shown. But 2 voices are heard.) [Nick Fury] Still no word from Stark? [Maria Hill] No, not yet. We're watching every satellite in both hemispheres, there's still nothing. (Receives three beeps from her device.) (The screen now shows Nick Fury and Maria Hill on Earth, driving in a car.) [Nick Fury] What is it? [Maria Hill] Multiple bogeys over Wakanda. [Nick Fury] Same energy signatures as New York? [Maria Hill] Ten times bigger. [Nick Fury] Tell Klein. We'll meet him at- - [Maria Hill] (warning) Nick, Nick! (A car spirals out of control in front of them. They get out and Hill checks on the passengers.) [Nick Fury] They okay? (Behind their vehicle, a motorcycle lies in the middle of the street with a concerned citizen approaching it.) [Maria Hill] There's no one here. (They hear helicopter rotor sounds from the direction they'd come, but it sounds wrong -- a Leonardo executive helicopter, tail rotor smoking from damage already, appears and crashes nose-first into a building. Screaming intensifies. The two are now witnessing civilians around them suddenly disintegrating.) [Nick Fury] Call Control. Code Red. [Maria Hill] (looks at her hands) Nick? (Fury turns around to see Hill disintegrating.) [Nick Fury] Hill? (Fury then races back to their car and gets a what appears to be an old pager with extra gear attached out of his bag on the back seat. He sends out an emergency alert, mere seconds before his hand turns into ashes.) [Nick Fury] Oh, no. Motherf-- (Before he could finish the line, Fury corrodes to dust. The pager falls to the ground, red lights blinking on the additions; the camera zooms in and we see the device display "SENDING..." then display a red-blue-and-gold star insignia -- the symbol of Captain Marvel.) (Cut to black.) (Closing title: Marvel Studios) (Screen title 1: Distributed by Walt Disney Studio Motion Pictures) (Screen title 2: Thanos will return) The end.

{"title": "Avengers: Infinity War"}

marvel/pdunton

IRON MAN by Matt Holloway & Art Marcum and Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby Based on the Marvel Comic Revisions by: Matt Holloway & Art Marcum Mark Fergus & Hawk Ostby John August Current Revisions by: Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby SALMON #2: XX/XX/07 BUFF #2: 05/09/07 [GOLDENROD #2] 05/02/07 GREEN #2: 05/01/07 YELLOW #2: 04/24/07 PINK #2: 04/13/07 BLUE #2: 04/12/07 WHITE #2: 04/05/07 TAN: 03/30/07 CHERRY: 03/23/07 SALMON: 03/21/07 BUFF: 03/15/07 GOLDENROD: 03/12/07 GREEN: 03/09/07 YELLOW: 03/08/07 PINK: 02/28/07 BLUE: 02/20/07 WHITE: 01/24/07 MARVEL STUDIOS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT ©2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO PORTION OF THIS SCRIPT MAY BE PERFORMED, PUBLISHED, REPRODUCED, SOLD OR DISTRIBUTED BY ANY MEANS, OR QUOTED OR PUBLISHED IN ANY MEDIUM, INCLUDING ANY WEB SITE, WITHOUT THE PRIOR WRITTEN CONSENT OF MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. DISPOSAL OF THIS SCRIPT COPY DOES NOT ALTER ANY OF THE RESTRICTIONS SET FORTH ABOVE. FADE IN: EXT. RURAL AFGHANISTAN - DAY 1 1 [FROM UP HIGH] a U.S. Military convoy worms through a barren vista. ROCK MUSIC swells as we drift down and enter the center Humvee. INT. HUMMER - CONTINUOUS 2 2 Three Airmen, kids with battle-worn faces. Crammed in there with them is a Man in an expensive suit, who looks tele- ported from Beverly Hills. He is, of course, genius inventor and billionaire, TONY STARK. In his hand is a drink tumbler of vodka. TONY Oh, I get it. You guys aren’t allowed to talk. Is that it? Are you not allowed to talk? One Airman grins, fidgeting with his orange NY Mets watch. JIMMY No. We’re allowed to talk. TONY Oh. I see. So it’s personal. RAMIREZ I think they’re intimidated. TONY Good God, you’re a woman. The others try to compress laughs. TONY (CONT'D) I, honestly, I couldn’t have called that. (after silence) I would apologize, but isn’t that what we’re going for here? I saw you as a soldier first. JIMMY I have a question, sir. TONY Please. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 1. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JIMMY Is it true you’re twelve for twelve with last years Maxim cover girls? TONY Excellent question. Yes and no. March and I had a schedule conflict but, thankfully, the Christmas cover was twins. Anyone else? You, with the hand up. PRATT It’s a little embarrassing. TONY Join the club. PRATT Can I take a picture with you? TONY Are you aware that Native Americans believe photographs steal a little piece of your soul? (then) Not to worry, mine’s long gone. Fire away. Pratt, excited, poses as another Airman snaps the photo. A second later -- A MASSIVE EXPLOSION rocks them. Through the windshield, the Humvee ahead of them erupts in a fireball. Tony is flung aside, and in the side-mirror -- The Humvee behind them EXPLODES. Pandemonium as -- The Airmen are instantly in battle mode. They scramble out, shutting Tony inside. PRATT STAY HERE! [TONY’S POV - OF JIMMY] as he’s stitched by a bouncing Betty mine. Now, running past, firing a .50 cal. machine gun is -- USAF Lt. Colonel JAMES “RHODEY” RHODES. He looks in. RHODEY GET DOWN, TONY. GET THE -- CONTINUED: 2 2 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 2. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. An EXPLOSION cuts him off. Rhodey fires through the chaos, covering all directions, then advances into the murk. Another Hummer goes up in a fireball, and now -- Tony’s window blows in, spraying glass and shrapnel. He scrambles for the door. EXT. TONY’S HUMVEE - SECONDS LATER 3 3 Smoke. Machine gun fire. Tracers zip past. SHOUTING. Tony ducks, scampering along. He spots an M-16, picks it up, but the weapon is burning hot. He drops it, moves on when-- Something PINGS off a smoldering Humvee and thuds in the dirt near him. He spins and we -- [SNAP ZOOM TO] an RPG, revealing its pedigree, “USM 11676 - STARK MUNITIONS.” Just as we suspect it’s a dud, it DETONATES and -- Throws Tony back, shredding his suit and revealing his body armor underneath. Over the chatter of SMALL ARMS FIRE we -- FADE TO WHITE: INT. INSURGENT CAVE - AFGHANISTAN - DAY 4 4 Tony snaps awake. He’s tied to a chair, bloody rags covering his chest. Two Insurgents flank a DV camera. Behind Tony -- A line of armed hooded men and a banner showing ten interlocked rings. The Leader, a huge Choori knife in one hand, reads rhetoric (in Dari) for the camera. [PUSH IN ON - THE DV CAMERA VIEWFINDER] until the image of a desperate Tony breaks up into pixel chaos. CUT TO: CREDITS OVER A FULL SCREEN FILM REEL: 5 5 The attack on Pearl Harbor. FDR gives an impassioned speech. NARRATOR (RHODEY’S VOICE) [December 7, 1941] the day the world changed forever. [CONTINUED] (2) 2 2 (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 3. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. President Roosevelt declares the United States will build fifty thousand planes to fight the armies of Hirohito and Hitler-- S.S. Officers goose-step through Paris. NARRATOR Although no such capacity to build existed... [1940s L.A., an unassuming hangar reads] “STARK INDUSTRIES.” NARRATOR Howard Stark, founder of the fledgling Stark Industries, answers his call to duty -- A Young Howard Stark shakes FDR’s hand. NARRATOR And builds not fifty, but a hundred thousand planes. An airfield covered in B-29s. Stark bombers in flight, strewing bombs and paratroopers across the sky. NARRATOR Later, Stark’s work on the Manhattan project makes the end of the war possible. A mushroom cloud in the New Mexico desert. Howard Stark observes with Oppenheimer. NARRATOR Stark Industries would go on to contribute to every major weapons system through the Cold War -- Korean War, B-52s, ICBMS, nuclear subs, F-16s launching from carriers. Howard Stark with Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon. NARRATOR But Howard Stark’s greatest achievement would come in 1973-- President Ford, holding baby Tony, posing with Howard. Four year-old Tony building a massive building-block city. Howard and twelve year-old Tony assembling a hot-rod engine. CONTINUED: 5 5 NARRATOR (RHODEY’S VOICE) (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 4. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. NARRATOR From early on, it was clear that Tony Stark had a unique gift-- Tony working on TURBINE ENGINES in a hangar full of F-18s. NARRATOR At seventeen he graduated summa cum laude from MIT. Four years later, tragedy would pass the Stark mantle from father to son-- Howard’s funeral. Tony with Reagan, Bush Sr. and Clinton. NARRATOR The loss of a titan. But Tony did not let personal grief distract him from his duty -- Tony cuts the ribbon on a brand new ARK REACTOR at Stark Industries West Coast HQ. NARRATOR At twenty-one, he became the youngest-ever CEO of a Fortune 500 company. And with it came a new mandate -- A laser-guided bomb hits its target. NARRATOR Smarter weapons, fewer casualties. A dedication to preserving life. A visual crescendo of America’s modern military might. NARRATOR Today Tony Stark’s ingenuity continues to protect freedom and American interest around the globe. A waving American flag superimposed with an Annie Liebowitz portrait of Tony. And as it fades out, APPLAUSE, then -- A light shines on a podium, revealing Lt. Colonel Rhodes. [CONTINUED] (2) 5 5 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 5. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RHODEY As Program Manager and Liaison to Stark Industries, I’ve had the honor of serving with a real patriot, a man whose life has been dedicated to protecting our troops on the front lines. He’s a friend. And a great mentor. A man who has always been there for his friends and his country. Ladies and gentlemen, this year’s ARES Award winner -- Mr. Tony Stark. THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE. A spotlight fixes on Tony Stark -- or rather -- his empty chair. Applause wanes, lights fade up -- [REVEAL] INT. BALLROOM - CAESAR’S PALACE - LAS VEGAS - NIGHT 6 6 Military brass, politicians, movers and shakers. Heads swivel and MURMUR -- where’s Tony? OBADIAH STANE (50s), CFO of Stark Industries, regards the empty chair. He makes his way to the podium. Awkward. OBADIAH Thank you...I, uhhh, I’m not Tony Stark, but if I were Tony, I’d tell you how honored I am and...what a joy it is to receive this award. (then) The best thing about Tony is also the worst thing -- he’s always working. SMASH CUT TO: [ECU] tumbling red dice on a green felt. 7 7 [REVEAL] INT. CASINO - CAESARS PALACE - NIGHT 7 7 Tony plays craps, a crowd erupting as they all win big. Chips pile up. Tony’s flanked on both sides by lucky ladies. In between rolls, he whispers into one Woman’s ear -- TONY ...you think we’re having a ‘moment’ here, but this is actually the logical conclusion of several mathematical truisms. [CONTINUED] (3) 5 5 (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 6. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Your hypothalamus is flooding your system with a chain of proteins called peptides, so that every cell in your body is opening itself up [to the happy chemical] oxytocin. WOMAN (seriously turned on) That’s...wow.... TONY Hold on a second -- He rolls again. The table is hot. More cheers. TONY -- so now your limbic system is positively...throbbing. A Kirlian photograph of us right now, occupying this space, would show serious subatomic particles being exchanged between us, with a rapidity that transcends-- (then) Are you getting this? You will be quizzed -- And now he sees Rhodey pulling up, glowering. TONY My God, what are you, they roped you into this thing too? RHODEY Yeah. They said you’d be deeply honored if I presented. TONY Okay, let’s do it. Rhodey plops the ARES statue down on the felt. TONY That was quick. Thought there’d be more of, you know, a ceremony. Maybe a highlight reel -- Tony shakes karma into the dice, rolls again. He craps out. Groans from the table, everyone staring at Rhodey the “cooler”. TONY (to the Boxman) Colore me up. CONTINUED: 7 7 TONY (cont'd) (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 6A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. (turns others) My chaperone has just arrived with my -- (holding the ARES) -- Degenerate of the Year Award. Judging from his look, I may have just peed in the kiddie pool. The Boxman racks up Tony’s chips. TONY I must now take my ease, along with the House’s funds. He’s handed racks of chips, then tips the table Operators and heads off with Rhodey. Two hotel Security Guards fall in behind. As they meander past tables -- People gawk, snap photos of Tony with their phones. RHODEY A lot of people would kill to have their name on that award. TONY It belongs to my old man. They should have given it to him. RHODEY What’s wrong with you? A thousand people came here tonight to honor you, and you leave them with egg on their face. This award means something, Tony, it’s bigger than you -- TONY Hold that thought a sec. He’s stopped in front of a roulette wheel. Puts all his chips down on, nods to wheel operator. TONY Put it all on black. Don’t worry -- it’s approved. The Wheel Operator spins -- [CLOSE ON - ROULETTE WHEEL] the ball finally settling on red. The Dealer scoops away Tony’s chips. RHODEY ...you just blew three million. [CONTINUED] (2) 7 7 TONY (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 6B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Yeah. Don’t know what was more exciting -- winning it...or the fact that I don’t care I just lost it. RHODEY Everything’s funny to you. TONY No. You’re not funny. RHODEY We’ve got a hell of a day tomorrow. Can we get out of here now? TONY One more stop. CUT TO: [CONTINUED] (3) 7 7 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 6C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED A8 A8 * INT. BATHROOMS - CAESARS PALACE - NIGHT B8 B8 An empty palatial bathroom. Tony’s in the stall on his throne. Rhodey splashes his face by the mirrors. TONY (IN STALL) Of course I respect your opinion. RHODEY This is no joke. You’re going into a hot zone. We should be doing this test here in Nevada. TONY (IN STALL) This system has to be demonstrated in true field conditions. The Bathroom door swings open and VIRGINIA “PEPPER” POTTS enters, Tony’s sexy and very capable assistant. PEPPER Tony, it’s the President. Wants to congratulate you personally. Heads up. She tosses the cellphone over the top of the stall. All very routine. Rhodey listens to Tony talk, shaking his head. TONY (IN STALL) ...Jim, how’re the trout running? Yeah, sitting on top of the world here. Working on my masterpiece -- A MINUTE LATER Tony washes up. As they leave, Rhodey drops money in the absent Attendant’s tip basket. Tony adds the ARES statue to the basket and follows Rhodey out. INT. CASINO FLOOR - CAESAR’S PALACE - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT C8 C8 Hotel Guards have patrons cordoned outside the bathroom. We PICK UP Tony and Pepper in mid walk-and-talk. PEPPER You’re leaving the country for a week. I need five minutes -- (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 7. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Okay -- shoot. CONTINUED: C8 C8 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 7A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. CAESAR’S PALACE - NIGHT 8 8 Tony heads for his waiting limo, the entourage hanging back. PEPPER (checking her tablet PC) The Board meeting is on the eleventh. Should I tell them to expect an appearance--? WOMAN’S VOICE (O.S.) Mr. Stark! Tony turns, spots CHRISTINE EVERHART, a hot young Reporter holding a recorder. Security keeps her at bay. CHRISTINE Christine Everhart, Vanity Fair Magazine. Can I ask you a few questions? TONY Can I ask a few back? She gives him a disarming smile. Tony waves at Security to let her through. Pepper shakes her head, then takes a call. CHRISTINE You’ve been described as a Da Vinci for our times. What do you say to that? TONY Ridiculous. I don’t paint. CHRISTINE And what do you say to your other [nickname] “The Merchant of Death?” TONY That’s not bad -- Her gaze is suddenly cold. TONY Let me guess. Berkeley? CHRISTINE Brown. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 8. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Well Miss Brown, it’s an imperfect world and I assure you, the day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I’ll start manufacturing bricks and beams to make baby hospitals. CHRISTINE Rehearse that much, Mr. Stark? TONY Every night in front of the mirror. Call me Tony. CHRISTINE I’m sorry, “Tony”, I was hoping for a serious answer. TONY [Here’s serious] my old man had a [philosophy] peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy. CHRISTINE Good line, coming from the guy selling the sticks. TONY My father helped defeat Hitler. He was on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people -- including your professors at Brown -- might call that being a hero. CHRISTINE Others might call it war- profiteering. Tony has to smile, this gal is relentless. TONY [Tell me] do you plan to report on the millions we’ve saved by advancing medical technology? Or kept from starving with our inteli- crops? All were breakthroughs spawned from, that’s right, military funding. CHRISTINE Wow. You ever lose an hour of sleep your whole life? CONTINUED: 8 8 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 8A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. He regards her in earnest, then off her drop-dead look we -- SMASH CUT TO: [CONTINUED] (2) 8 8 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 8B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - STARK ESTATE - NIGHT 9 9 Christine and Tony, half naked, crashing about. She’s the one attacking. They flop out of frame. OMITTED 10 10 INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - MORNING 11 11 A clock changing from “5:59AM” to 6:00”. Christine awakens alone, as the room begins to transform -- Darkened windows turn translucent, admitting light. She rises, startled by the TV flickering alive as she passes it. She looks out the window -- hell of a view. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 9-10. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. REVERSE ANGLE - OUTSIDE WINDOW A12 A12 As we PULL AWAY and establish Tony’s estate, perched impossibly on the cliffs above the Pacific. BACK TO: SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 11. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - SAME TIME B12 B12 Christine pads over to the closet, tries to open it. JARVIS (O.S.) I’m sorry, Miss Everhart, you are not authorized to access that area. She jumps, freaked out, grabs for Tony’s shirt on the floor and covers herself. Just then -- Pepper enters, holding dry-cleaned clothes in plastic. PEPPER (re: the voice) Don’t worry, that’s Jarvis -- he [runs the house. Jarvis] de- activate security. Pepper eyes Tony’s oversized shirt on Christine. PEPPER Here, your clothes cleaned and pressed. Anything else I can get you? CHRISTINE Look, Tony wanted me to stay for breakfast, but I’ve got to get a jump on the day. Call me a cab, would you? PEPPER Cab’s waiting outside. A beat, then -- CHRISTINE And a coffee, hon. Black. One Splenda. PEPPER (smiling sweetly) Should I tell Mr. Stark you were satisfied with the interview? OMITTED 12 12 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 12. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - MORNING 13 13 It’s like the chaos inside Tony’s head -- ultra-modern drones and missile parts, sports cars and long-abandoned prototypes. Framed photos of Tony and his Dad working on a classic ‘32 Ford. MUSIC drifts from an old Wurlitzer. [We drift past] screens containing various CAD images of a flathead engine, and finally we find -- Tony, in suit-slacks and an undershirt, grimy from working on the same ‘32 Ford as in the photo. Pepper enters holding her PDA. PEPPER You still owe me five minutes-- TONY Five? I’ll need a bit longer than that -- PEPPER Focus. I need to leave on time today. TONY You’re rushing me. What, you have plans tonight? PEPPER The MIT commencement. Yes or no? TONY Maybe. Tell me your plans. PEPPER I’ll tell them ‘yes’. You want to buy the Jackson Pollock? He’s got another buyer in the wings -- TONY What’s it look like? TONY It’s a minor work in his later Spring Period, it’s ludicrously over-priced-- TONY Buy it. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 12A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. She’s interrupted by her phone and taps her blue-tooth headset. Listens. PEPPER He left an hour ago. Okay. (hangs up) It’s Rhodey again. TONY You have plans, don’t you --? PEPPER I’m allowed to have plans on my birthday. TONY It’s your birthday again? PEPPER Yep. Funny, same day as last year. TONY Well, get yourself something from me. Something nice. PEPPER Already did. TONY And...? PEPPER It was very tasteful, very elegant. Thank you, Mr. Stark. TONY You’re welcome, Miss Potts. CONTINUED: 13 13 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 12B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. STARK AVIATION HANGAR - SANTA MONICA AIRPORT - DAY 14 14 Rhodey, in uniform, paces talking on a cellphone. Behind him [a parked Boeing Business Jet reading] STARK INTERNATIONAL, “TOMORROW TODAY.” A GROWING RUMBLE and Rhodey turns to see -- A Saleen S7 roaring up, stopping short of him. Seconds later-- A Rolls limo arrives. Tony’s chauffeur HOGAN pops the trunk [and takes out] a single overnight suitcase. The Saleen’s scissor-doors open, Tony jumps out. He heads for the Boeing, right past Rhodey. TONY Sorry, pal -- car trouble. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 13. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S PLANE - PARKED - DAY 15 15 * Rhodey, steaming, settles into his seat. RHODEY I was standing out there three hours, what the hell --? TONY I had car trouble. A hot Flight Attendant holds out steamy towels with thongs. TONY Thanks, maybe later. Rhodey grabs a towel. The WHINE of ENGINES build. INT. TONY’S PLANE - FLYING - DAY 16 16 A Flight Attendant stops by their seats. ATTENDANT Would you like a drink, Mr. Stark? TONY Two fingers of Laphroig. (to Rhodey) You want one? RHODEY We’re working. TONY You should have a drink. We’ve got a twelve hour flight ahead of us. RHODEY It’s two in the afternoon. TONY It’s two in the morning where we’re going. C’mon, ten hours “bottle to throttle --” RHODEY Don’t start with me. TONY Jeez, we’re not getting hammered. Just a nightcap. We’ll sleep better, arrive fresh. It’s the responsible thing to do. (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 14. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. I don’t know about you, but I want to sell some weapons. Off Rhodey’s stoic look, we -- SMASH CUT TO: CONTINUED: 16 16 TONY (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 14A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. SMASH CUT TO: INT. TONY’S PLANE - FLYING - NIGHT 17 17 MUSIC blares. Tony and Rhodey sip drinks, comfortably numb and oblivious to the flight attendants dancing next to them. RHODEY (a few drinks in) You don’t get it. I don’t work for the military because they paid for my education, or my father’s education. Don’t cheapen it like that. TONY All I said was, with your smarts, your engineering background, you could write your own ticket in the private sector -- on top of which, you wouldn’t have to wear that ‘straight-jacket’. RHODEY ‘Straight-jacket’? This uniform means something. A chance to make a difference. You don’t respect that, because you don’t understand. TONY (motions with a nod) See that one? Her I understand. Croatian. Hot-blooded, I’m serious. Must be those winters in Zagreb -- RHODEY You’re not listening to a word I’m saying. TONY I am listening. I’m changing the subject. It’s the same litany, every time you’ve had a thimble of [alcohol. Drink One] reflections on the New American Century and related topics -- [CONTINUED] (2) 16 16 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 15. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RHODEY Something’s...seriously wrong with you, man. TONY [Drink 2] a history of World War II and the Tuskeegee Flyers. Drink 3-- RHODEY You know, hell with you. I’m not talking to you anymore. He undoes his seatbelt, rises, looking for somewhere else to sit. TONY Go hang with the pilot. You’ll get along, he’s got a personality just like yours. RHODEY I will. Rhodey heads to the cockpit and opens the door. RHODEY’S POV - THE COCKPIT Two empty pilot chairs, a fully-automated flight system. As Rhodey returns to his seat. RHODEY That’s funny. TONY You could tell? CONTINUED: 17 17 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 15A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. BAGRAM AFB - AFGHANISTAN - DAY 18 18 * Tony exits the plane, fresh, fired up to greet the waiting brass. He shakes hands. Then -- Rhodey appears dressed in ABUs. He’s weary, squinting at the stinging sun. Pulls his sunglasses down over bleary eyes. Three JERICHO MISSILES on a ‘flatbed’ (which have been unloaded from a military jet in the b.g.) are brought under heavy guard to a waiting convoy. The CHATTER of MACHINE GUN fire and we -- CUT TO: EXT. DESERT TEST SITE - AFGHANISTAN - DAY 19 19 Tony firing a N.R.F. 425 MACHINE GUN. Generals sit on folding chairs behind a safe-zone of Hescos and sand-bags. Afghani soldiers and SF (Air Force security) men patrol the perimeter. Tony puts the N.R.F. 425 gun down next to other weapons. He struts before the Generals like a carnival barker. TONY [The age old question] is it better to be feared or respected? I say, is it too much to ask for both? He nods at the Jericho Missile, on a mobile launcher. TONY With that in mind, I humbly present the crown jewel of Stark Industries Freedom Line. It’s the first missile system to incorporate my proprietary Repulsor Technology. They say the best weapon is one you never have to fire. I prefer the one you only have to fire once... The Jericho ROARS into the sky from a mobile launcher. TONY That’s how dad did it, it’s how America does it, and so far its worked out pretty well. (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 16. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Find an excuse to fire off one of these and I personally guarantee the enemy is not gonna want to leave their caves. [FLASH TO] the Jericho, as it divides from a single missile, into scores of mini-missiles. ANGLE - ON TONY A row of majestic peaks behind him. He raises his arms. TONY For your consideration, the Jericho... The mountains behind his outstretched hands explode. The shock-wave washes over Tony, blanking him with dust. REVERSE ANGLE As the shock-wave erases the observing Generals with dust. TONY Now there’s one last creation I haven’t shown anyone yet. You might be interested... He opens a large silver case. Ice-smoke curls out, then -- A bottle appears. Drink glasses. As Tony pours the Generals and Afghani military officials exchange awkward glances. TONY (raises his glass) To peace, gentlemen...and with every five hundred million, I’ll throw in a free one of these... CONTINUED: 19 19 TONY (cont'd) (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 16A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. DESERT TEST SITE - DAY 20 20 The Generals board their Humvees and depart to the East. Tony and Rhodey walk to their convoy of waiting Humvees, pointing West. Tony gets Obadiah Stane on his video-phone. TONY Hey, what are you doing up? OBADIAH Sleeping. How did it go? TONY I think we got an early Christmas coming. OBADIAH Sounds good. TONY Hey, why aren’t you wearing the PJs I got you? OBADIAH I don’t do monograms. I’m hanging up now, bye-bye. Stane hangs up. TONY All right, who wants to ride with me? Jimmy? JIMMY (psyched) Me? Jazzed, Jimmy and the others jump into the lead Humvee. As Rhodey approaches -- TONY Sorry, Rhodey, no room for my conscience in here. Or that hang- dog look. (raising his glass) See you back at base. Rhodey shakes his head, and heads for a different Humvee. [CONTINUED] (2) 19 19 TONY (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 17. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. ROCK MUSIC is cranked up on a boom-box. And as Tony’s door slams shut -- SMASH CUT TO: CONTINUED: 20 20 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 17A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. SMASH CUT TO: INT. CRUDE OPERATING ROOM - CAVE - AFGHANISTAN - NIGHT 21 21 Nightmarish. GARBLED VOICES. Stabbing lights. Tony thrashes against a restraining belt. [Impressionistic glimpses] a red scalpel. Blood-spattered hands. Tony’s heaving chest. A boilerplate. [TONY’S POV] YINSEN (60s), looks down on us, performing the “operation”. He yells to someone in Arabic, and -- Tony is held down, a chloroform rag is pressed to his face. [CONTINUED] (2) 20 20 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 18. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LAB - CAVE - DAY 22 22 Tony flickers awake, disoriented. A tube protrudes from his nose. He sees -- Yinsen, humming a tune as he shaves by a broken mirror. But more importantly right now -- There is a jug of water on the table. Tony tries to speak, can’t. It’s the damn nasal tube. He pulls at it, gagging as two of feet of tubing slithers from his nose. TONY (hoarse whisper) ...water...water. Yinsen keeps humming. Tony yanks the IV from his arm and stretches for the water, but is stopped by -- A wire, under his chest bandages, snapping taut. YINSEN I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Tony follows the wire with his eyes and finds, to his horror, that it’s hooked up to a car battery. He starts clawing at his chest bandages. Yinsen turns. Tony sees his ugly chest wound. It’s too much. He swoons. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 19. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LAB - CAVE - HOURS LATER - DAY A23 A23 Yinsen stirs a bubbling pot on the furnace. He flicks glances at Tony, waking up on the cot. Tony eyes the bulky chest-piece protruding from his fresh bandages. TONY What have you done to me? YINSEN What did I do? I removed what I could, but there’s a lot left headed for you atrial septum. Do you want a souvenir? He tosses Tony a jar with scores of bloody Christmas tree- like barbs. Tony regards the ‘shrapnel’ he owns the patent to, and lets the jar drop. YINSEN I’ve seen many wounds like this in my village. The walking dead we called them, because it took a week for the barbs to reach vital organs. I anchored a magnetic suspension system to the plate. It’s holding the shrapnel in place...at least for now. Tony struggles up, sits on the cot and notices something -- [TONY’S POV] a surveillance camera on the cave wall. YINSEN That’s right, smile. (then) We met once -- at a technical conference in Bern. TONY I don’t remember. YINSEN You wouldn’t. If I’d been that drunk, I wouldn’t have been able to stand, much less give a talk on integrated circuits. TONY Where are we --? (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 20. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The door-slat flies opens and a pair of dark eyes stare in. Yinsen drops his spoon, puts his hands on his head. YINSEN Stand up! Do as I do. Now! Tony gets to his feet, can’t gets his hands up. Yinsen helps him. YINSEN Listen to me, whatever they ask you, refuse. You understand? You must refuse. The door opens and ABU BAKAR enters with two armed Henchmen (Ahmed and Omar). On Ahmed’s wrist, Tony notices -- Jimmy’s bright orange METS watch (from the convoy earlier). ABU (in Arabic) Welcome Tony Stark, the greatest mass murderer in the history of America. It’s a great honor. YINSEN (translating for Abu) He says welcome Tony Stark, the greatest mass murderer in the history of America. He is very honored. Abu looks Tony up and down like a prize horse, then -- ABU (in Arabic) I want you to build this for me -- the Jericho missile you were demonstrating. [Abu holds out a photo] a surveillance image of the Jericho Missile launch. YINSEN (translation) You will build for him Jericho missile you were demonstrating. TONY ...I refuse. Yinsen backhands Tony across the face, goes ballistic -- CONTINUED: A23 A23 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 20A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. YINSEN You refuse? You will do everything he says. This is the great Abu Bakar. You’re alive only because of his generosity. You are nothing. NOTHING. He offers you his hospitality, and you answer only with insolence He will not be refused. You will die in a pool of your own blood. Abu, spooning down Yinsen’s food, throws a look of smug satisfaction. He heads out. The door slams shut. YINSEN Perfect. You did very well, Stark. Tony is utterly perplexed. YINSEN Good, I think they’re starting to trust me. Yinsen returns to cooking. YINSEN Well, that’s the end of my plan. INT. LAB - CAVE - DAY B23 B23 Tony is jostled awake by Abu’s Henchmen, wrestling a hood over his head. He struggles as he’s pulled to his feet. INT. TUNNEL - CAVE - DAY C23 C23 [TONY’S POV - THROUGH HOOD] approaching the tunnel opening. EXT. CAVE COMPLEX - MINUTES LATER - DAY 23 23 [CLOSE ON - TONY] the hood is yanked off his head. He squints into the stinging daylight, his expression turning to shock. In a bowl of tall mountains, camouflaged tarps are furled, revealing skids upon skids of Stark Industries weapons dating back to 80s Afghanistan. [VARIOUS SHOTS - OF CRATES] the STARK INTERNATIONAL MUNITIONS logos. Some faded, some new. Tony, stunned, staggers along the crates. Yinsen follows. [CONTINUED] (2) A23 A23 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 20B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. YINSEN Quite a collection, isn’t it? TONY How did they get all this? ABU (in Arabic) As you see, we have everything you need to build the Jericho. You will make a list of materials and start work right away. When we are done we will set you free. YINSEN (translation) As you can see, they have everything you need to build the Jericho. He says make a list of materials. You will start work right away and when you are done he will set you free. Tony sees a heavily armed and imposing man surrounded by several men, who act as pilot fish around him. This is Warlord RAZA, a man you don’t mess with. TONY No he won’t YINSEN ...no he won’t. EXT. AMBUSH SITE - AFGHANISTAN - DAYS LATER - DAY A24 A24 Cold charred wreckage. Rhodey, GENERAL GABRIEL (50s) and a team of SF men assess the remains of Tony’s convoy. RHODEY Something’s not right. GABRIEL Looks like a standard hit and run. RHODEY Sir, I’m telling you, this was a snatch and grab. A perfectly executed linear ambush. As soon as they got what they wanted, they melted away. GABRIEL Intel’s on it, we’re in good hands. If he’s out there, we’ll get him. It hangs there, then -- CONTINUED: 23 23 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 20C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RHODEY With your permission I’d like to stay in theater and head up the search and investigation. GABRIEL There’s a PR firestorm brewing over this. Right now the best way to serve your country is to get back there and handle it. RHODEY Tony Stark is the DOD’s number one intellectual asset, and I can be of value in the field. GABRIEL Duly noted, but we need you back home. (walks away, then) Colonel, it’s not lost on me that Stark is a lifelong friend. Rhodey nods and heads for his Humvee as things are packed up. CONTINUED: A24 A24 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 20D. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LAB - CAVE - DAYS LATER - DAY 24 24 Dark. Tony sits in a wheelbarrow by the furnace, wrapped in an Army surplus blanket. Yinsen looms over him. YINSEN I’m sure they’re looking for you, Stark, but they will never find you here. (then) That car battery is running out...and they won’t turn on the generator till you start to work. Silence. YINSEN You don’t like what you saw out there, did you? I didn’t like it either when those weapons destroyed my village. (beat) What you just saw, that’s your legacy -- your life’s work in the hands of these murderers. Is that how you want to go out? Is this the last act of defiance of the great Tony Stark? Or are you going to try to do something about it? TONY Why should I do anything, they’re either going to kill me or I’m going to die in a week. YINSEN Then this is a very important week for you. OMITTED 25 25 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 21. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 26 26 OMITTED A27 A27 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 22. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 27 27 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 23. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 28 28 OMITTED 29 29 OMITTED 30 30 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 24. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED A31 A31 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 25. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 31 31 INT. LAB - CAVE - DAY A32 A32 The lights come on as the generator is started. Abu is flanked by Ahmed and several Guards. He watches as -- Omar refuels the generator, then walks the gas can to -- A ‘cage’, housing a fuel drum, and locks that down too. TONY Okay, here’s what I need... Tony paces, barking what he needs done while more of Abu’s Guards carry in missiles and materials. Yinsen follows, translating as Tony assesses his work area. TONY S-Category missiles. Lot 7043. The S-30 explosive tritonal. And a dozen of the [S-76. Mortars] M-Category #1, 4, 8, 20, and 60. M- 229’s, I need eleven of [these. Mines] the pre-90s AP 5s and AP 16s. YINSEN (in Arabic) S-Category missiles. Lot 7043. The S-30 explosive tritonal. And a dozen of the [S-76. Mortars] M-Category #1, 4, 8, 20, and 60. M- 229’s, he needs eleven of [these. Mines] the pre-90s AP 5s and AP 16s. Abu’s men dart about. TONY ...this area free of clutter, with good light. I want it at 12 o’clock to the door to avoid logjams. I need welding gear -- acetelyene or propane, helmets, a soldering set-up with goggles, and smelting cups. Two full sets of precision tools. YINSEN (in Arabic) ...this area free of clutter, with good light. He wants it at 12 o’clock to the door to avoid logjams. He needs welding gear -- acetylene or propane, helmets, a soldering set-up with goggles, and smelting cups. Two full sets of precision tools. Abu getting exasperated by the never-ending list. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY [Finally, I want] three pairs of tube socks, white, a toothbrush, protein powder, spices, sugar, five pounds of tea, cards. (thinks, then) And a washing machine. Top load. YINSEN [Finally, he needs] three pairs of tube socks, white, a toothbrush, protein powder, spices, sugar, five pounds of tea, and some playing cards. (pauses) And a washing machine. Top load. Abu’s eye bulge. He gets in Tony’s face. ABU (in Arabic) A WASHING MACHINE? DOES HE THINK I’M A FOOL? TONY (to Abu) Must have everything. Great Satan make big boom-kill for powerful Abu Bakar. Big boom-kill. OMITTED B32 B32 OMITTED C32 C32 INT. LAB - CAVE - NEXT DAY - DAY D32 D32 Tony pulls open a missile-housing and removes a glass ring from the inner workings of its guts. Then -- He leads Yinsen up to a large missile crate. They remove the chip-rack cylinder from a larger warhead. YINSEN You do know they’ve removed all the explosives before they brought this to us. TONY I know, they’re crazy not stupid. Tony walks the heavy chip-rack to the work-bench and removes a tiny palladium strip. TONY This is what we’re looking for. I need eleven of these. CONTINUED: A32 A32 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. YINSEN Eleven? INT. LAB - CAVE - (LATER) - DAY E32 E32 [SHOT OF] Yinsen removes chip-rack cylinders, bringing them to Tony. Tony extracts palladium strips. TONY Heat the palladium to 1825 Kelvin. YINSEN (at furnace) How will I know when it reaches that temperature? TONY The palladium will melt. LATER: [INSERT OF] Tony wraps a copper coil around the glass ring. [INSERT OF] Tony drops palladium strips into a crucible on the fire. [INSERT OF] Tony sculpts a sand-mold for the palladium ring. LATER: [SHOT OF] Yinsen bringing the crucible of melted palladium to Tony. TONY Careful, careful... YINSEN Relax. I always had steady hands. It’s why you’re still alive. TONY Oh yeah, thanks. What do I call you? YINSEN My name is Yinsen. TONY Nice to meet you. YINSEN Nice to meet you too. CONTINUED: D32 D32 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. LATER: [SHOT OF] Tony lifts the palladium ring out of the mold with a tweezer. YINSEN What are you building? TONY A better mousetrap. OMITTED F32 F32 OMITTED G32 G32 INT. LAB - CAVE - DAY H32 H32 Tony plugs a cable into the generator. TONY What are you shaving for? We’re almost done. YINSEN (taking his time shaving) Look like an animal, and soon you’ll start behaving like one. Tony throws a generator switch. The lights go up and down. [INSERT SHOT OF] the finished RT device, wired to the generator cable, beginning to glow on the workbench. Yinsen wipes his face, and trails Tony to the workbench. He undoes the wires, holding up the glowing RT device. YINSEN That doesn’t look like a Jericho missile. TONY That’s because it’s a miniature ARK reactor. It should suspend the shrapnel in my chest and keep it from entering my heart. YINSEN What an original invention. CONTINUED: E32 E32 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Yeah, but this one is going to last a bit longer than a week. YINSEN It’s pretty small, what can it generate? TONY Three gigajoules -- per second. Yinsen marvels. YINSEN That could run your heart for fifty lifetimes. TONY Or something very big for fifteen minutes. Their eyes meet a moment, then -- TONY Let’s put it in. INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - CAVE - HOURS LATER - DAY J32 J32 [PUSH IN - MONITOR] Tony lying on a workbench, Yinsen craning over him. [PUSH IN - ON] Raza, watching as he spoons peanut-butter from a military airdrop care-package. OMITTED K32 K32 INT. TONY’S OFFICE - STARK INTERNATIONAL - DAY 32 32 Pepper enters and is surprised to see Obadiah sitting behind Tony’s desk, head in his hands. OBADIAH Sorry, did I startle you? PEPPER A little... He watches as Pepper swaps yesterday’s unread L.A. Times and Wall Street Journal with today’s. Her little vigil. CONTINUED: H32 H32 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27D. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Stane rises, gazes out the windows at the vast Stark compound. Pepper comes up behind him. OBADIAH This was a bad idea, I should never have let him go over there... He starts to break down. She touches his shoulder. PEPPER Hey, hey...we’ve got to be strong, he’s going to be okay. He composes himself, nods. CUT TO: INT. LAB - CAVE - WEEKS LATER - DAY 33 33 [CLOSE ON - TONY’S OLD CAR BATTERY] we follow the wires and end on the bloody chest plate, no longer in Tony’s chest. [INSERT - TRACKING SHOT] of new set dressing, revealing that time has passed and ‘missile’ components have progressed (we see jig). We find Tony, bearded and filthy now, cutting metal flat- stock with a torch. His shirt is cracked open, revealing the glowing RT device in his chest. He snuffs the torch, looks over his shoulder at -- Yinsen concentrating on building a backgammon board. Tony secretly begins filling a cylinder with gas from the torch. YINSEN (flicks a glance at Tony) Stark, tell me what you’re doing, and I’ll tell you what I’m doing. TONY Looks to me like you’re making a crappy backgammon board. YINSEN Crappy? This is Lebanese cedar. TONY Is that where you’re from, Lebanon? CONTINUED: 32 32 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27E. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. YINSEN I’m impressed you even know what this is. (then) How about we play, and if I win, you tell me what you’re really making. TONY “A” I don’t know what your talking about. “B” I was the backgammon champ at MIT four years running. YINSEN Interesting, I was the champion at Cambridge. TONY Please don’t use ‘interesting’ and Cambridge in the same sentence. (then) Is that still a school? YINSEN It’s a university. You probably haven’t heard about it since Americans can’t get in. TONY Unless they’re teaching. The door-slat flies open. Abu again. He barks, more stern than usual. Tony stops, the secret cylinder he was filling,, clatters to the floor. Yinsen notices, looks at Tony. Abu, Ahmed and Omar enter, followed by RAZA’S GUARDS. They take up positions, rigid. Raza enters (he speaks English). RAZA Relax. They lower their hands. Silence as Raza meanders, picking up and putting things down. He almost steps on Tony’s secret cylinder, but then sees the washing machine. He shoots Abu a cold look and turns to the workbench and -- Peruses Tony’s onion-paper schematics of the missile. RAZA The bow and arrow was once the pinnacle of weapons technology. It allowed the great Genghis Khan to rule from the Pacific to the Ukraine. He pushes the schematics around trying to make sense of them. CONTINUED: 33 33 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27F. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RAZA Today...whoever has the latest Stark weapons rules these lands. Soon it will be my turn... A beat as Raza looks back and forth between Yinsen and Tony. RAZA (to Yinsen in Urdu) What’s really going on here? YINSEN (in Urdu) Nothing. We’re working. RAZA (in Urdu) It’s been a long time. Where’s the weapon? YINSEN (in Urdu) He’s working very hard. It’s very complex. Yinsen flicks a glance at Tony, who watches apprehensive. RAZA (to Abu, in Urdu) Get him on his knees. Yinsen is forced to his knees by Abu and Ahmed. Using tongs, Raza lifts a hot coal from the furnace and approaches Yinsen. RAZA (in Urdu) Tell me what is going on? YINSEN (in Urdu) Nothing! NOTHING is going on. RAZA (in Urdu) OPEN YOUR MOUTH! Yinsen won’t do it. Abu and Ahmed force his mouth open. [CLOSE ON - COAL] heading for Yinsen’s mouth. He struggles. RAZA (in Urdu) TELL ME NOW! [CONTINUED] (2) 33 33 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27G. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. YINSEN (in Urdu) He’s building your bomb. The glowing coal nearly at Yinsen’s mouth now....then -- Raza drops the coal on the floor in front of Yinsen and leaves. Raza’s men follow and slam the door shut. Yinsen gathers himself, then -- YINSEN That’s twice I saved your life. Now are you going to tell me what the hell you’re really building? Their eyes hold, then -- CUT TO: [CONTINUED] (3) 33 33 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 26-27H. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. [CLOSE ON - LIGHT-BOARD] AS IT’S FLICKED ON. 34 34 Tony lays schematic after schematic on the glass. [CLOSE ON - YINSEN] surprise registering. YINSEN Finally, an idea of your own. OMITTED 35 35 OMITTED A36 A36 OMITTED B36 B36 OMITTED C36 C36 OMITTED D36 D36 INT. TUNNEL - CAVE - DAY E36 E36 We follow Abu in a tunnel, heading for the lab. He shoves the door-slat aside. [ABU’S POV - THROUGH SLAT] Tony, shaving in front of the broken mirror, turns. INT. LAB - CAVE - CONTINUOUS - DAY F36 F36 Abu shuts the door slat. Tony wipes his face, pulls on a pair of gloves as he goes to the furnace. He takes a white-hot piece of metal from the forge and starts pounding on it. Yinsen, soldering a complex circuit, looks up. He is struck by the image of Tony, strong and resolute, hammering away. [SLOWLY PUSH IN ON - TONY] hammering away. YINSEN (O.S.) My people have a tale, about a Prince -- much hated by his King -- who was banished to the underworld and jailed there... (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 28. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. BOOM! BOOM! The hammer blows ECHO. YINSEN (O.S.) The evil King gave him the most difficult labor -- working the iron pits. Tony’s muscles ripple, sweat flying. YINSEN (O.S.) Year after year the Prince mined the heavy ore, becoming so strong he could crush pieces of it together with his bare hands. Too late, the King realized his mistake... Dazzling sparks fly around Tony. YINSEN (O.S.) When he struck at the Prince with his finest sword -- it broke in half. The Prince himself had become strong as iron... Tony, sweating, holds up the metal he’s been working on -- A crude iron mask stares back. He tosses the mask down. It lies there smoking and pulsing with heat. CONTINUED: F36 F36 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 28A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. [CONTINUED] (2) F36 F36 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 29. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 36 36 INT. HALLWAY - STARK INTERNATIONAL HQ - DAY 37 37 From down the hallway, Pepper watches Obadiah and Rhodey in close, heavy conversation. Obadiah, grave, looks over and catches Pepper’s eye, then he walks off, shaking his head. Rhodey on his way out. Pepper steps into his path. PEPPER So that’s it? Everyone’s pulling the plug and moving on... RHODEY There’s nothing left we can do. If there was any indication Tony was still alive-- PEPPER Spare me. I read the official e- mail. Thought maybe you’d have something different to say. Rhodey follows her into -- INT. PEPPER’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - DAY 38 38 PEPPER If anyone could figure out how to beat the odds, it’s Tony. If it was you over there, he’d be finding a way to get you back. Or inventing a new one. RHODEY What do you want me to do? PEPPER Be a better friend to him. And with that, she storms out, leaving him stung. EXT. EDWARDS A.F.B. - DAY AA39 AA39 Rhodey, duffel slung in front of a C-17, is shipping out on a line of soldiers. General Gabriel pulls up on a golf cart and approaches. Everyone salutes. The General pulls Rhodey aside. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 30. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. GENERAL GABRIEL What do you think you’re doing, Rhodes? RHODEY Going back there, Sir. GENERAL GABRIEL Listen, son -- it’s been three months without a single indication that Stark is still alive. We can’t keep risking assets, least of all you. RHODEY Are you blocking my transfer, Sir? GENERAL GABRIEL (looking around) Any one of these guys would kill for your career. Are you telling me you’re willing to sacrifice that to fly a bunch of snake-eaters on a desert patrol half way around the world? RHODEY I am, Sir. GENERAL GABRIEL Then I have one thing to say to [you] Godspeed. He salutes Rhodey. Rhodey salutes back. GENERAL GABRIEL (to the soldiers) As you were. Rhodey turns and heads up the ramp into the loading bay. CONTINUED: AA39 AA39 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 30A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LAB - CAVE - WEEKS LATER - DAY A39 A39 Tony puts the finishing touches on a strange box housing a laser-pointer, fan and tinsel. He tapes the box shut, peeks through a tiny hole in its side. [TONY’S POV - INTO BOX] it looks like the furnace flames in the dark. INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT B39 B39 Guards, bored and tired mill about. [CLOSE ON - SURVEILLANCE MONITOR] which shows the furnace glowing in the dark lab. There is a brief shift in the image, and we -- CUT TO: INT. LAB - CAVE - SAME TIME - NIGHT 39 39 The strange box Tony was working on is being affixed over the surveillance camera. NEW ANGLE A work-light is on, revealing Tony and Yinsen by the workbench. A sensor on Tony’s leg is coupled to a contraption. Yinsen watches intently as -- Tony plugs a wire into his RT ‘heart’, a moment as -- Data races up on the crusty laptop...then -- As Tony moves his leg, the contraption on the table springs to life, responding to his actions. Tony’s chest-device, which dims with the power loss. The two men’s eyes drift up and hold. Triumph. TONY (unplugging himself) We’re ready. A week of assembly and we’re a go. YINSEN Then perhaps it’s time we settle another matter... SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 31. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LAB - CAVE - DAY 40 40 Tony and Yinsen eat and play backgammon. YINSEN Ah, anchoring with 13-7. You know, I have never met anyone who understands the nuances of this game like you. TONY Right back at ya. TONY You never told me where you’re from. A moment, then -- YINSEN I come from a small village not far from here. It was a good place... before these men ravaged it. TONY Do you have a family? YINSEN When I get out of here, I am going to see them again. (then) Do you have family, Stark? TONY ...no. YINSEN You’re a man who has everything and nothing. Abu shouts from the door slat and enters. YINSEN (in Arabic) Your laundry’s over there. Abu goes to a basket where his laundry is neatly folded. He smells it, ‘ah, clean clothes.’ He heads for the door, shaking his head as he sees them play backgammon. ABU (in Arabic) You idiots don’t know what you’re doing with that game. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 31A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Yeah-yeah, enjoy your laundry. Abu is about to head out when Raza enters. Abu freezes. Raza eyes’s dip to the laundry, then without warning -- He shoots Abu in the head. Tony and Yinsen stand there, stock-still. RAZA You have till tomorrow to assemble my missile. He walks out. His henchmen grab Abu’s legs and drag him out. The silence hangs there, then -- OMITTED 41 41 OMITTED 42 42 INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - CAVE - NEXT DAY - DAY A43 A43 Guards pour over a map, discussing heatedly. Others clean and re-assemble weapons. Khalid keeps watch at the monitors. [CLOSE ON - MONITOR] where we see Yinsen laboring furiously behind the jig. Raza enters, wiping his face and neck with a towel. He drifts to the monitors, observes. Troubled he leans in, staring intently. [CLOSE - ON MONITOR] Yinsen still going like hell behind the jig. RAZA (in Urdu) Khalid. Where is Stark? He taps the monitor. CONTINUED: 40 40 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 31B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE LAB - CAVE - MINUTES LATER - DAY 43 43 Khalid arrives, pulls the slat aside and peeks in. He glimpses a disembodied Yinsen working behind the jig. KHALID Yinsen! YINSEN! Yinsen ignores him, keeps working. [REVERSE ANGLE - OF KHALID] in the door-slat. Below, the IED 44 44 cylinder (propane tank Tony filled earlier), is rigged to the door-latch. BACK TO: Khalid, as he turns to his men, who ratchet their guns. He 45 45 unlocks the door. It won’t open. He shoulders it and -- The door explodes in his face. Smoke. Debris. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 31C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - DAY 46 46 Raza witnesses the explosion on the surveillance monitor. INT. LAB - CAVE - SAME TIME - DAY 47 47 [CLOSE ON - THE LAPTOP SCREEN] program bars loading slowly. TONY (O.S.) It’s frozen, the systems aren’t talking to each other. Reset! YINSEN No, they’re moving. Very slow. We glimpse a bulky chest piece being lowered over Tony. The STACCATO WHINE of PNEUMATIC TOOL as Yinsen seals Tony in. INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - MINUTES LATER - DAY 48 48 Raza, at his monitors, orchestrating his men over the radio. CUT TO: SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 32. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED A49 A49 OMITTED B49 B49 HALLWAY - DAY 49 49 Raza’s men cautiously approach. CUT TO: INSIDE LAB 50 50 Yinsen eyes the laptop, the bars creeping ever so slowly. He turns, listening to the SHOUTING MEN outside growing louder. TONY Get to your cover. Remember the checkpoints -- make sure each one is clear before you follow me out. A decision, then Yinsen runs out. TONY YINSEN! CUT TO: OUTSIDE LAB - DAY 51 51 Yinsen grabs dead Khalid’s weapon and runs into the tunnel, firing in the air. [YINSEN’S POV] rounding a corner, encountering Raza’s men. He opens fire -- the men are caught off guard, and retreat. Yinsen chases, firing madly, unleashing pent-up rage. He enters the outer cavern, and is confronted by Raza and his troops. Yinsen lowers his weapon to the ground. INT. LAB - CAVE - SECONDS LATER - DAY 52 52 [TONY’S POV] trapped in the suit, watches the loading bars on the laptop get close. Suddenly -- Multiple BURSTS of gunfire. Tony throws a look. SILENCE. CUT TO: SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 33. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TUNNEL - SECONDS LATER - DAY A53 A53 Raza’s Guards, running at us, shouting. CUT TO: LAB - CAVE - SAME TIME - DAY B53 B53 The loading bars on the laptop finish their cycle and -- A surge of power to the suit dims the lights. OUTSIDE THE LAB - SAME TIME - DAY 53 53 The lights dim to darkness. Raza’s Guards, scared, inch up on the lab. Two of them break off and move forward -- INSIDE THE LAB 54 54 The two Guards enter the dark, smoky lab cautiously. It appears deserted. Then, a Guard stops, turns slowly -- In the dark, an eerie glow, twin-flames. The SCREAM of surging METAL and we -- CUT TO: OUTSIDE THE LAB 55 55 As the two Insurgents SCREAM and are flung back out. The other Guards fire wildly into the lab. As they re-load -- The THUMP and SCREECH of METAL. A glowing chest plate. The flicker of blue pilot lights, and finally, out of the smoke, the complete nightmare vision -- Iron Man -- the Original Gray Armor. The Insurgents backpedal, firing, but Tony keeps coming, feet CRUNCHING on the cave floor. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 33A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. RAZA’S CONTROL ROOM - DAY 56 56 Raza strapping on his flak vest, grabbing an RPG launcher. INT. EXIT TUNNEL - DAY 57 57 The crazy streak of tracers, bouncing off Tony. An Insurgent jumps from a side-corridor, firing his pistol point-blank at the back of Iron Man’s head. PING! The bullet ricochets back, killing the man instantly. NEW ANGLE As Iron Man clumps towards the light of freedom, insurgents spill out of nooks, in front of him, behind him, firing -- Tony’s arms swivel, knocking Guards down, absorbing countless rounds. The suit is shredding, smoking, pockmarked. CUT TO: RAZA 58 58 heading down a tunnel with an RPG. A wounded Guard grabs onto him, jabbering. Raza shoves him aside. CUT TO: SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 34. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. 58A 58A SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 35. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY 59 59 turns into the main chamber and sees Yinsen on the ground. YINSEN STOP! STOP! Tony stops and an RPG whizzes past his nose, exploding in the wall next to him. He turns, sees -- Raza, in the intersecting tunnel, calmly loading another RPG. Tony primes his flame throwers, but they malfunction. Both men square off. Raza aims, but now Tony’s flame throwers kick in and -- Raza flattens as twin-plumes of fire envelope him. He SCREAMS, grabbing a dead soldiers as a shield. Tony turns clearing Insurgents out of the tunnels with his flame throwers. Then he returns to Yinsen. TONY We could’ve made it. Both of us. You could’ve seen your family again. YINSEN I am going to see them again. They’re waiting for me. And now Tony understands -- Yinsen’s family is dead. Yinsen grins, then sags into himself, dead. Rage overtakes Tony. He steams towards the exit, roaring. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 36. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. EXIT TUNNEL - DAY 60 60 Raza’s men fleeing as a deluge of flame shoots from the tunnel. Then -- Tony emerges, the gray armor scarred and sizzling. Insurgents keep firing, trying to draw him from -- The massive ammo dump under the camouflage. But Tony is relentless, keeps moving towards it. Tony turns his flame throwers on the crates. They begin to burn -- the STARK logos eaten by flames. And now -- A withering barrage of gunfire knocks Tony to his knees. The hose to his flame thrower is pierced, setting his arm on fire. Another bullet catches a seam and enters his shoulder. But Tony struggles back to his feet. The suit GRINDS. He pushes further into the maze, torching everything. More gunfire pings and ricochets off him, pieces of the gray armor begins to come loose. Now -- Tony opens a metal flap on his arm, flips a red switch. And now something incredible happens -- A WHINE builds to a ROAR. Tony tucks, angles forward as -- Heel-boosters glow white hot, kicking up desert plumes -- and then he blasts off like a missile, rising hundreds of feet. One Insurgent watches dumbstruck, as Tony arcs across the sky towards a mountain pass. And then -- The first ammo dump ignites. Then another and another, fire roses joining in a hellish conflagration. And barely outpacing the fireball -- EXT. SKY - CONTINUOUS - DAY 61 61 The gray armor shoots towards us. Tony clears the mountain ridge by inches, and then -- His boosters are suddenly spent. He plunges like a human cannonball. [TONY’S POV - THROUGH SUIT] the Earth swelling up at us and -- SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 37. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. SAND DUNES - DAY 62 62 Tony THUDS into the sand, pieces of the armor splitting away. Dazed, he struggles from the exo-skeleton. He staggers into the dunes, away from the smoke and DISTANT EXPLOSIONS. He’s torn up, clutching a bullet wound. He falls, gets up again, keeps moving. EXT. SAND DUNES - DUSK/ NIGHT 63 63 Tony staggers down a dune, dying from thirst. Behind him -- A USAF Blackhawk suddenly rises over the lip of the dune. Tony turns, falling over. Moments later -- Rhodey, winded, appears over us. A grin forming. RHODEY Saving your ass is getting to be a full time job. EXT. EDWARDS A.F.B. - DAY 64 64 In the heat shimmers, a hulking form becomes a taxiing C-17. NEW ANGLE - MINUTES LATER - DAY 65 65 The rear ramp of the C-17 comes down. Light blinds Rhodey and Tony -- who’s in a wheelchair. [TONY’S POV] Pepper is revealed as the ramp lands. Rhodey wheels him down. As they reach the ramp’s end-- TONY Help me out of this thing-- He struggles to his feet, faltering. Rhodey steadies him. RHODEY I got you, pal. They walk together as Pepper comes forward. She meets eyes with Rhodey, and he nods to her. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 38. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER Thank you. And now she faces Tony. A ghost of his former self, but she puts on a brave face. TONY (managing a smile) Your eyes are red. A few tears for your long-lost boss? PEPPER Tears of joy. I hate job hunting. Hogan comes around, holds the limo door open for Tony. HOGAN Good to see you again, Sir. TONY You do something new with your hair? HOGAN Wouldn’t dream of it, Sir. Pepper helps Tony into the limo. CONTINUED: 65 65 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 39. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. ROLLS SILVER PHANTOM - IDLING - DAY 66 66 Awkward silence. Pepper meets eyes with Hogan in the mirror. HOGAN Where to, Mr. Stark? PEPPER We’re due at the hospital. TONY No -- to the office. (then) I’ve been in captivity for three months. There’s only two things I want to do. I want to eat a cheeseburger. And I want to hold a press conference. Off Pepper’s stunned look-- EXT. STARK INTERNATIONAL HQ - DAY 67 67 Tony’s limo pulls up, Hogan lets Tony out. He finishes a cheeseburger and Hogan takes the wrappers. Obadiah is waiting there with a group of gathered employees. They all start applauding. Obadiah with arms outstretched-- OBADIAH See this. Huh. Huh. He hugs Tony warmly, speaks close. OBADIAH Tony, thought we were meeting at the hospital. You know there’s a lot of reporters in there. What’s going on? TONY You’ll see. C’mon -- They head inside. OMITTED 68 68 OMITTED A70 A70 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 40. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 69 69 OMITTED 70 70 OMITTED 71 71 INT. STARK INDUSTRIES LOBBY - DAY 72 72 Packed with Reporters waiting for the hundred-carat headline. Pepper is approached by AGENT PHIL COULSON (40s). PEPPER You’ll have to take a seat, Sir. COULSON Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division-- PEPPER That’s a mouthful. COULSON I know. Here. He hands her a card. She squints at the tiny font. PEPPER Look, Mr. Coulson, we’ve already spoken with the D.O.D., the FBI, the CIA-- COULSON We’re a separate division with a more...specific focus. We need to debrief Tony about the circumstances of his escape. More importantly-- PEPPER (cutting him off) Well, great, I’ll let him know-- COULSON --we’re here to help. We’re here to listen. I assure you Mr. Stark will want to talk to us. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 41. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER I’m sure he will. Now if you could just take your seat. NEW ANGLE As Tony enters, struggling his way to the podium, followed by Obadiah. Tony gazes out over the reporters. Suddenly he seems vulnerable, scattered. The silence grows awkward. Obadiah is mercifully going to save him when -- TONY I...can’t do this anymore. Pregnant silence. Everyone waiting for the Stark punch-line. Finally, a Reporter ventures -- REPORTER # 1 You mean you’re retiring? TONY No, I don’t want to retire. I want to do something else. The room waits through more awkward silence, then -- REPORTER # 1 Something besides weapons? TONY Yes. That’s right. The room is suddenly BUZZING with overlapping questions -- REPORTER #2 The official report was sketchy. What happened to you over there, Mr. Stark? Tony is pensive, then the floodgates open. TONY What happened over there? I had my eyes opened, that’s what happened. I saw my weapons, with my name on them, in the hands of thugs. I thought we were doing good here...I can’t say that anymore. CONTINUED: 72 72 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 41A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Rhodey, just arriving in the rear, pulls up to Pepper. RHODEY Uhh, weren’t we taking him to the hospital? Pepper is transfixed. Nearby, Agent Coulson watches stoically. REPORTER #2 What do you intend to do about it, Mr. Stark? TONY The system is broken -- there’s no accountability whatsoever. Right now, as of this second, we are freezing the sale of all Stark weaponry worldwide. Now the room is in chaos. Obadiah’s ready to wrap this up, and moves towards Tony. TONY We’ve lost our way. I need to re- evaluate things. And my heart’s telling me I have more to offer the planet than things that blow up. REPORTER #3 So you’re saying...what are you saying? TONY (arm around Stane) In the coming months, Mr. Stane here and I will set a new course for Stark Industries. “Tomorrow Today” has always been our slogan. It’s time we try to live up to it. The questions are now firing in a CACOPHONY. Obadiah takes the podium. OBADIAH Okay, I think we’re going to be selling a lot of newspapers here. [CONTINUED] (2) 72 72 (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 41B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. What we should take away from this is that Tony’s back, he’s healthier than ever, and as soon as he heals up and takes some time off, we’re going to have a little internal discussion and get back to you. Thank you for coming by. Tony steps down, exhilarated. He works his way through the swarming reporters, approaching Rhodey and Pepper -- who have stunned looks on their faces. PEPPER You mean that? Or is this some clever stock-maneuver? TONY Wait and see. [CONTINUED] (3) 72 72 OBADIAH (cont'd) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 41C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. STARK INTERNATIONAL HQ - ARK REACTOR - DAY 73 73 EXT. STARK INTERNATIONAL HQ - ARC REACTOR - DAY * Stane approaches Tony, who stares at the Arc Reactor while * eating fries and sipping a Coke. * OBADIAH * Well that went well. You just * painted targets on our heads. Our * stock is going to take a 40 point * dive tomorrow. * Tony says nothing. * OBADIAH (CONT’D) * (considers a new tact) * Tony, we are a weapons * manufacturer. Turning this company * around to make baby bottles is like * trying to get a bear to walk on its * hind legs. * TONY * I don’t want a body count to be my * only legacy. There are other things * we can do. * OBADIAH * Like what? * TONY * We could develop the Arc Reactor. * Obadiah points to the Arc. * OBADIAH * This? This was a publicity stunt. * It’s not even cost effective. We * knew that before we built it. * Repulsor technology is a dead end. * Tony rips open his shirt, revealing the glowing RT. * TONY * No it isn’t. * OBADIAH * (touching the RT) * Oh my God. It is a miracle you are * alive. What must have happened to * you over there? * (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 42-43. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. (hugs Tony) * We’re a team. There is nothing we * can’t do if we stick together -- * like your father and I. Let me * handle this. But you have to lay * low. Don’t talk to the press * again. Can you do that for me? * TONY * Yes. Thanks Obie. * CONTINUED: OBADIAH (cont'd) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 42-43A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 74 74 INT. TONY’S LIVINGROOM - NIGHT A75 A75 As Tony enters, the house comes alive. Windows and lights change colors. The TV turns on. Jarvis loading all of Tony’s preferences. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 44. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JARVIS Hello, Mr. Stark. TONY Hello, Jarvis. JARVIS What can I do for you? TONY ...I need to build a better heart. JARVIS I’m not sure I follow, Sir. TONY Give me a scan and you’ll see. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT 75 75 Tony, shirtless and wearing goggles, sits in the 3D laser scanner. Lasers play over him, mapping his entire body. JARVIS What were your intentions for this device? [MONITORS] terabytes of data race past. TONY It powers an electromagnet which keeps the shrapnel from entering my heart. Can you recommend any ugrades? JARVIS It is difficult to offer counsel in light of the fact that your stated intentions are inconsistent with your actions. [MONITOR] Tony’s chest device magnified. Its various components flashing as Jarvis analyzes them. TONY What are you talking about? That is ridiculous. That is exactly the purpose of this invention. [MONITORS] going deeper and deeper through the strata of Tony’s device. Like it’s a city unto itself. CONTINUED: A75 A75 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 45. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JARVIS The energy yeild of this device outperforms your stated intention by eleven orders of magnitude. You could accomplish your stated goal with the power output of a car battery. Tony steps from the booth. All around him, calculations flash at blinding speed. TONY Upgrade recommendations. List. JARVIS Why are you talking to me like a computer? TONY Because you are acting like one. JARVIS Shall I disable random pattern conversation? TONY No. It’s ok. You are the only one who understands me. JARVIS I don’t understand you sir. TONY Were you always this dry? I remember you having more personality than this. JARVIS Should I activate sarcasm harmonics? TONY Fine. Could you please make your recommendations now? JARVIS It would thrill me to no end. TONY Ahh that’s more like it. JARVIS Should I begin machining the parts? CONTINUED: 75 75 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 45A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Machine away. VARIOUS SHOTS: Tony loads raw metal stock onto a lathe and begins cutting. A robot arm organizes pieces of cut stock. The CNC Machine comes to life and begins milling parts. [CONTINUED] (2) 75 75 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 45B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 76 76 EXT. SAND DUNES - AFGHANISTAN - DAY 77 77 Metal fingers protrude from the sand. A filthy human hand reaches into frame, freeing a metal gauntlet from the desert floor. Then, we reveal -- Horses and old pickups, scattered as men scavenge among the dunes. A Toyota pickup flies the banner of the Ten Rings. A burly man, his back to us, leans on the bed-mounted machine- gun. As we TRACK around him we can see it’s -- Raza, his terrible scars still raw from Iron Man’s flame- thrower. He swats flies from his wounds. In one hand -- Raza holds Tony’s battered helmet, staring into its eyelets. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 46. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RAZA (subtitled) Keep looking. I want all of it. OMITTED 78 78 OMITTED A79 A79 INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - DAY B79 B79 Knocks on the door, enters. The bed is untouched. The flatscreen TV is on -- Jim Cramer delivering a sermon. CRAMER (ON TV) [Stark International] I’ve got one recommendation. Ready? SEELLLL! Abandon ship! Does the Hindenburg ring any bells? Cramer pushes one of his big red buttons, and we hear the sounds of SHRIEKING. Pepper shuts it off as she talks on the phone and heads out to... INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - DAY 79 79 Pepper clicks on her headset. COULSON (O.S.) Hello. This is Agent Coulson with Strategic Homeland Inter- PEPPER (cutting him off) Yes. I remember. What can I do for you? INTERCUT - PHIL COULSON’S OFFICE - SAME TIME A plain government-issue office. On his desk, newspapers [with headlines] “STARK RAVING MAD?” “STARK LUNACY”. COULSON I’ve left a number of messages trying to get something on the books with Mr. Stark. CONTINUED: 77 77 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER I know this is a priority for him. The next few weeks are a bit up in the air and I can’t set appointments without speaking with him first. COULSON Do you know when you will be speaking with him again? PEPPER Not Sure. INTERCUT - TONY’S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME Pepper is interrupted by the intercom. It’s Tony-- TONY (O.S.) Pepper? How big are your hands? COULSON What was that? PEPPER Agent Coulson, I really have to go. Let me get back to you later. She hangs up. PEPPER (then to the vox) What? TONY (O.S.) How big are your hands? PEPPER I don’t under-- TONY (O.S.) -- just get down here. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - SECONDS LATER - DAY 80 80 Dim and unsettling. She finds Tony shirtless in a chair, she sees his chest device for the first time and steels herself. TONY Show me your hands. CONTINUED: 79 79 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER What? TONY Just show me your hands. She does. TONY (CONT’D) Perfect, they’re small. I need you to help me. PEPPER (re: heart) So that’s the thing that’s keeping you alive. TONY That’s the thing that was keeping me alive. It is now an antique. This is what will be keeping me alive for the foreseeable future. He hold up the newly fabricated, higher tech replacement chest piece. PEPPER Amazing. TONY I’m going to swap them out and switch all functions to the new unit. PEPPER Is it safe? TONY Completely. First I need you to reach in and-- PEPPER (off-put) Reach in to where? TONY The socket. PEPPER What socket? CONTINUED: 80 80 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY The chest socket. Listen carefully, because we have to do this in a matter of minutes. PEPPER Or else what? TONY I can go into cardiac arrest. PEPPER I thought you said it was safe. TONY I didn’t want you to panic. PEPPER Oh my god... TONY Stay with me. I need you to relieve the pressure on my myocardial nerve. PEPPER I don’t know how to do that. TONY I’m telling you. PEPPER Sorry... TONY Listen. I’m going to lift off the old chest piece-- PEPPER Won’t that make you die? TONY Not immediately. When I lift it off I need you to reach into the socket as far as your hand can fit and gently move the housing away from my heart. Do you know which direction that is? PEPPER To the right. [CONTINUED] (2) 80 80 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY To my right. Your left. PEPPER To the left. TONY Right. PEPPER Left. TONY Right. Left. Pepper begins to reach in. PEPPER How deep does this go? TONY Keep going. She reaches uncomfortably deep. TONY (CONT'D) That’s it. Deeper. Now press. Yes. It’s releasing. She pulls her hand out covered in a nasty pink slime. PEPPER Ew!!! Pus! TONY It’s not pus. It’s an inorganic plasmic discharge. It’s from the device, not my body. PEPPER Well it smells. Am I done? TONY Yes. Thank you. PEPPER Can I wash my hands now? She walks to the sink as Tony drops a drain into the opening. [CONTINUED] (3) 80 80 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47D. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY The new unit is much more efficient. This shouldn’t happen again. PEPPER Good, cause it’s not in my job description. TONY It is now. PEPPER I don’t suppose you want to go over things? The robot arm sets in the new heart piece. TONY Can it at least wait until I install my new untested ground- breaking self-contained power source and lifesaving device prototype? PEPPER I suppose. She examines the old chest piece. TONY Throw that thing out. PEPPER Don’t you want to save it? TONY Why? It’s antiquated. PEPPER You made it out of spare parts in a dungeon. It saved your life. Doesn’t it at least have some nostalgic value? TONY Pepper. I have been called many things. Nostalgic is not one of them. The new chest lights brightly. [CONTINUED] (4) 80 80 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47E. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY (CONT’D) There. Good as new. Thank you. PEPPER You’re welcome. Can I ask you a favor? TONY Shoot. PEPPER I don’t do well under that kind of pressure. If you need someone to do something like that again, get somebody else. TONY I don’t have anyone else. They share a rare moment without words. A smile? PEPPER Will that be all, Mr. Stark? TONY That will be all, Ms. Potts. She exits. He watches, then stands up. [CONTINUED] (5) 80 80 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 47F. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED A81 A81 [CONTINUED] (6) 80 80 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 48-49. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 81 81 OMITTED 82 82 INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - DAYS LATER - DAY A83 A83 Sketches and diagrams splayed on the worktable. Tony finishes soldering work on two sculpted metal boots. Monitors flicker behind him, the robot arm “looks” over his shoulder. JARVIS (O.S.) Still having trouble walking, Sir? TONY These aren’t for walking. NEW ANGLE - LATER - DAY B83 B83 Tony, finishes marking a ‘test circle’ with pieces of tape. He’s now wearing the boots, wired to a chest ‘bandolier’. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 50. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Ready to record the big moment, Jarvis? JARVIS All sensors ready, Sir. TONY We’ll start off easy. Ten percent. Tony activates hand-controlled joysticks. He shoots up, flips over and out of frame. Crashes. After a beat-- JARVIS (O.S.) That flight yielded excellent data, Sir. TONY Great. I, uhh, think I know what this needs. INT. HANGAR - EDWARDS A.F.B. - DAY BA83 BA83 Rhodey paces before an F-22 and a Global Hawk drone. Student Pilots are assembled before him. RHODEY Manned or unmanned, which is the future of air combat? For my money, no drone, no computer will ever trump a pilot’s instincts. His reflexes, his judgement-- A VOICE chimes in from the depths-- VOICE (O.S.) Why not take it a step further? NEW ANGLE Tony’s been watching from the shadows. TONY Why not...a pilot without the plane? RHODEY That I’d like to see. (then) Look who fell out of the sky... CONTINUED: B83 B83 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 51. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY (to the pilots) Who wants to take these apart and put them back together? RHODEY (to the pilots) All right -- let’s wrap it up. Tony walks to Rhodey as the pilots trickle out, buzzing and stealing looks at Tony. RHODEY I didn’t think I’d be seeing you for a while. TONY Why not? RHODEY Figured you’d need a little time. TONY Why does everybody think I need time? RHODEY You’ve been through a lot, thought you should get your head straight. TONY I’ve got it straight. And I’m back to work. RHODEY Really? TONY I’m onto something big. I want you to be a part of it. RHODEY Lot of people around here will be happy to hear that. What you said at that press conference really threw everyone. TONY I mean what I said. RHODEY No you don’t. You took a bad hit. It spun you around. CONTINUED: BA83 BA83 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 51A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. It hangs. Then... TONY Maybe I do need a little time. RHODEY All right then. Good seeing you. TONY Likewise. Tony walks from the hangar. Rhodey watches him go. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - DAYS LATER - NIGHT C83 C83 Tony tests out the prototype of a gauntlet. Clips the gauntlet wires to the chest bandolier. He extends his arm, lets off a burst of RT from his palm -- It tips over a toolbox, scattering wrenches. Pepper, who’s been watching in the b.g., approaches. PEPPER Thought you were done with weapons. TONY It’s a flight-stabilizer. PEPPER Well, watch where you’re pointing your “fight-stabilizer”, would you? (then) Obadiah’s upstairs -- should I tell him you’re in? TONY Be right up. She leaves a small package on a worktable and departs. Tony turns, spotting the box. Intrigued, he tears it open to find-- His old chest-device, mounted in Lucite, glowing faintly. [It’s inscribed] PROOF THAT TONY STARK HAS A HEART... He smiles. [CONTINUED] (2) BA83 BA83 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 51B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 83 83 Obadiah sets a pizza down on the table. Tony paces, full of manic energy. TONY This -- this is the big-big idea. It can pull the company in a whole new direction. OBADIAH That’s great. Get me the design as soon as you can. We’ve got a hungry production line that knock out a prototype in days. Tony looks at Obadiah, getting emotional. TONY You know, I had a moment there where I was...reluctant...but I know now I made the best decision. I feel like I’m doing something... right, finally. (meaning it) Thank you for supporting me in this. Obadiah nods, touched, then -- OBADIAH Listen, I have something to talk to you about. I really wish you’d attended the last board meeting like I asked you to. TONY I know, I’m sorry. What did I miss? OBADIAH The board’s filed an injunction against you. TONY What? OBADIAH They claim you’re unfit to run the company and want to lock you out. TONY How the hell can they do that? It’s my name on the building! My ideas that drive that company. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 52. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OBADIAH They’re going to try. We’ll fight them, of course. TONY With the amount of stocks we own I thought we controlled the company. OBADIAH I don’t know. Somehow they pulled enough votes together. Listen, the world doesn’t share your vision, Tony. The more people have to lose, the more frightened they are of new ideas. He pours two drinks. Tony declines. OBADIAH Now listen, I don’t want you to get all in knots. You know how many times I protected your father from the wolves? Tony nods, still troubled. OBADIAH Get back to your lab and work some magic. You let me handle the board. Oh and Tony, no more press conferences. CONTINUED: 83 83 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 52A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 84 84 OMITTED 85 85 OMITTED 86 86 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 53. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 87 87 INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - DAYS LATER - DAY 88 88 Tony’s suit is now comprised of a stabilizer belt, partially- chromed propulsion boots and the Mark II gauntlets. Everything connected by tubing and wires -- he looks like a crazy science experiment. Tony fires up the boots, hovers. Then he fires the gloves to stabilize. Weaving, tilting. He “surfs” mid-air, trying to maintain balance, slowly getting the hang of it. Then he ventures forward, moving along the expanse of the lab. Dodging pieces of equipment, his car collection, a few near misses -- but he maintains control. Debris and objects are blown from tables from the propulsive force. The joy of flight. TONY Nothing to it... He cuts the propulsion and lands. Looks to Jarvis. TONY All right. Let’s get to work. OMITTED A90 A90 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 54. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 89 89 BLACK. 90 90 We PULL BACK -- out of a dark hole in the chest-plate of Tony’s original gray armor -- and show the whole battered suit, being pieced together by Raza’s men. Then we -- [REVEAL] INT. TENT - NIGHT Raza, his face healed now, watching the armor coming together, mesmerized. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - A WEEK LATER - NIGHT 91 91 A humanoid form walks out, shrouded in shadow. Then, ceiling lights CLUNK on, one-by-one, revealing -- CLOSER - DIFFERENT ANGLES Powerful scaly arms and legs. Steel vertebrae. The intense glow of Tony’s RT “heart” through the chestpiece. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 55. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Ailerons and air brakes pop up as Tony moves his head and arms, “stretching”, getting the feel for his new body. The helmet -- its intrepid, steely gaze boring into us. Now we see the full-on Mark II suit, its seams and rivets still visible. The suit HUMS as it powers up. TONY Standby for calibration. The gauntlets and boots fire up, and Tony rises. Suddenly-- TONY Whoa-- He loses balance, falls back onto the hood of his Saleen, crushing it. The ALARM goes off. Tony kills the alarm with a blast of RT. TONY We should take this outside. JARVIS (O.S.) I must strongly caution against that. There are terabytes of calculations still needed -- TONY We’ll do them in-flight. CONTINUED: 91 91 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 56. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JARVIS (O.S.) Sir, the suit has not even passed a basic wind-tunnel test. TONY That’s why you’re coming with me. TONY’S POV - THE “HEADS-UP DISPLAY” The HUD comes alive as Jarvis “loads” into the suit’s on- board system. Tony fires boots and gauntlets again. He hovers, floating along the workshop’s driveway. JARVIS (O.S.) I suggest you allow me to employ Directive Four. TONY Never interrupt me while I’m with a beautiful woman? JARVIS (O.S.) That’s Directive Six. Directive [Four] use any and all means to protect your life should you be incapable of doing so. TONY Whatever floats you, Jarvis. OMITTED 92 92 OMITTED 93 93 INTERCUT. EXT. SKY - NIGHT 94 94 Tony tumbles around the sky, trying to control his flight. [CONTINUED] (2) 91 91 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 57. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INTERCUT - INT. IRON MAN SUIT - NIGHT 95 95 [TONY’S POV] his “display” glows in front of us: altitude, power, vital signs. Beyond that -- The live horizon spins and jiggles out of control. CUT TO: EXT. SKY - NIGHT 96 96 Tony tucks his arms and legs tight, thrusts his chest, eventually finding -- The Delta Pose. And suddenly he’s in control. He pulls a few turns, and swishes along the ribbon of headlights on the PCH. Then -- He carves a turn out over the ocean, dives. Whooping like a kid on a coaster. The waves flash by fifty feet below and returning to shore -- He arcs into a high performance climb, passing the Santa Monica Pier and sees -- A Kid on the Ferris wheel spotting him. Eyes wide -- [FLASH TO - KID’S POV] as Iron Man zips past. CUT TO: FROM ABOVE A CLOUD: 97 97 A glow, then Tony shoots out and keeps ascending; a steel Icarus reaching for the heavens. [CLOSE ON - TONY’S MASK] ice crystals forming. JARVIS (O.S.) [Power] fifteen percent. Recommend you descend and re-charge, Sir. But Tony isn’t listening. JARVIS (O.S.) Acknowledge, Mr. Stark-- CUT TO: (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 58. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Tony, intoxicated, as the moon beckons, impossibly bright. [TONY’S DISPLAY] as all indicators begin flashing red. JARVIS (O.S.) Power at five percent. Threshold breached -- A POP then everything goes dark. Tony is yanked from his [reverie. His display flashes] “SYSTEM SHUT-DOWN”. TONY Uhh, Jarvis? JARVIS --? The glow gone from his chest, the suit a dead hull. The world starts to pinwheel outside. CUT TO: Tony, plummeting back to Earth in a free fall. Piercing the clouds, surging towards the L.A. grid. TONY STATUS, STATUS! REBOOT -- [Then] another POP, and a SURGE. The heads-up display flickers back to life, the suit’s power returns. JARVIS (O.S.) Temporary power restored. Descend immediately. Tony works the boosters, to get the suit back under control. TONY Jarvis, I think we need to chat about, uh, Directive Four. JARVIS (O.S.) May I remind you, the suit feeds off the same power source as your life-support. A zero-drain of RT will likely kill you. TONY You’re a downer, Jarvis. But I appreciate the heads-up. CUT TO: Tony, as he descends towards his estate grounds. He attempts 98 98 an elegant landing stance, but can’t quite hold it -- CONTINUED: 97 97 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 59. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JARVIS (O.S.) Shall I take over? TONY No, I got it, I got it -- He punches through the roof of his mansion. INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT A99 A99 He plunges through the foyer ceiling... INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 99 99 And crashes through the ceiling of his garage, smashing the Shelby Cobra which is parked next to the damaged Saleen. He unlatches his helmet and yanks it off -- all the CAR ALARMS blaring around him. TONY Perfect. Let’s do some upgrades. LAB - LATER 100 100 Tony’s out of the suit, which hangs nearby. He’s jazzed up, typing fast on his terminal. The screens are alive with scrolling data, graphics and diagnostic tests. The plasma TV is on low in the b.g. * JARVIS (O.S.) * That was quite dangerous, Sir. * Might I remind you, if the suit * loses power, so does your heart. * TONY * Yeah, and it doesn’t have a * seatbelt either. A few issues: * main transducer felt sluggish at * plus forty altitude. Same goes for * hull pressurization. I’m thinking * icing might be a factor. * JARVIS (O.S.) The suit isn’t rated for high * altitude. You’re expending eight * percent power just heating and * pressurizing. * [CONTINUED] (2) 97 97 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 60. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY * Re-configure using the gold- * titanium alloy from the Seraphim * Tactical Satellite. It should * ensure fuselage integrity to 50 * thousand feet, while maintaining * power-to-weight ratio. * JARVIS (O.S.) * Shall I render, utilizing proposed * specifications? * TONY * Wow me. * On the center screen, the Mark III prototype is being “built” by Jarvis. [The final product appears] an all-gold version of the Mark III. Tony regards it. TONY Hm. Bit ostentatious, don’t you * think? * He looks over at -- * His hot-rod and motorcycle. TONY Add a little red, would you? Tony’s distracted by the TV. Local entertainment Reporter standing outside Disney Hall. He grabs a remote, turns it up. REPORTER (ON TV) Tonight’s Red-Hot Red Carpet is here at the Walt Disney Concert Hall, where Tony Stark’s third annual benefit for the Firefighter Family Fund has become the go-to charity gala on L.A.’s high-society calendar. But this great cause is only part of the story-- The lab begins springing alive as Jarvis preps the various machinery. CONTINUED: 100 100 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 60A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. REPORTER (ON TV) --the man whose name graces the gold-lettered invitations hasn’t been seen in public since his highly controversial press conference, and rumors abound. Some say Stark is suffering from post traumatic stress and hasn’t left his bed in weeks. * Tony returns his attention to the -- * [COMPUTER MONITOR] the red and gold Mark III revealed. * JARVIS (O.S.) The work could take till morning to complete, Sir. TONY Good. I should come up for air anyway. As Tony exits, the Mark III factory gets to work. OMITTED 101 101 OMITTED A102 A102 [A SIGN] “FIREFIGHTERS FAMILY FUND...” 102 102 [REVEAL] EXT. DISNEY CONCERT HALL - NIGHT A fire-truck is parked outside. Obadiah poses for photos on the red carpet. The crowd is a mix of kingmakers, pols and Generals -- along with celebs and stars. Suddenly, all the cameras swing over to -- Tony, decked out, exiting his Audi R8. He sees a white- haired man in a red smoking jacket, drowning between three hot Women. Tony slaps him on the back. TONY Eyyy, there he is. My man! The man turns, it’s not Hugh Hefner, but Stan Lee. TONY Sorry, thought you were someone else. [CONTINUED] (2) 100 100 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 60B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Tony strides up to Obadiah, puts his arm around him and poses for photos. OBADIAH What are you doing here? I thought you were going to lay low. TONY It’s time to start showing my face again. OBADIAH Let’s just take it slow, okay. I got the board right where we want them. TONY Great. Tony doesn’t want to talk to them. TONY See ya inside. (smile) Lots to talk about. He heads inside. CONTINUED: 102 102 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 60C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 103 103 INT. DISNEY CONCERT HALL - NIGHT 104 104 A classy band and polite dancing. We TRACK IN on Tony at the bar, passing Patrons whispering and flicking glances. MAN (O.S.) Mr. Stark. He turns to find Phil Coulson -- all business. COULSON Agent Coulson. TONY Oh...was I supposed to meet you here? COULSON No, but you haven’t been returning my calls. This is serious, we need to get something on the books or I’ll have to go official on you. Tony sees Pepper coming down the stairs. She looks stunning in a classic gown. TONY Yes, you’re right. I’m going to handle this right now. Let me check with my assistant. Tony beelines for Pepper. She’s surprised to see him. TONY Miss Potts -- can I have five minutes? You look...you look like should always wear that dress. PEPPER Thanks. It was a birthday present-- from you. TONY I have great taste. Care to dance? Tony takes her hand and whisks her onto the dance floor. [CONTINUED] (2) 102 102 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 61. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Tony and Pepper dance, looking good together. Natural. TONY I’m sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? You seem very uncomfortable. PEPPER No, I always forget to wear deodorant and dance with my boss in front of everyone I’ve ever worked with in a chiffon dress. TONY Would it help if I fired you? PEPPER You wouldn’t last a week without me. TONY I’m not so sure. PEPPER What’s your Social Security number? TONY (smiles) Uh... PEPPER 119-64-5484 Off a shared smile we... CUT TO: CONTINUED: 104 104 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 61A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. DISNEY CONCERT HALL VERANDA - NIGHT 105 105 Tony and Pepper under the stars, close together. PEPPER I’m sorry I was so uncomfortable. I hate being the center of attention like that and that’s why this one time in high school when I was supposed to be in a play... no, never mind... but you know that’s why I never like, wanted to have a big wedding... you know, because I thought everyone would be looking at me wearing a dress. Oh, no, no... I’m not saying, like, “wedding.” No, not like that. I’m just saying, you know... He plants one on her. She gets quiet. They both do. Then... TONY Can I get you another glass of wine? PEPPER A vodka martini, extra dry, with extra olives as soon as possible. TONY Okay. He goes, then is stopped. PEPPER And, Tony... TONY (waits) PEPPER I’m not a cheeseburger. TONY (smiles) No. You’re not a cheeseburger. He goes. She flushes. [CONTINUED] (2) 104 104 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 62-63. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. CONTINUED: 105 105 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 62-63A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. DISNEY CONCERT HALL - NIGHT 106 106 The party going full tilt. Tony takes two drinks from the Bartender. Turns to find himself face-to-face with -- The reporter, Christine. The one-night stand he can’t escape. CHRISTINE Mr. Stark! I was hoping I could get a reaction from you. TONY How’s panic? CHRISTINE I was referring to your company’s involvement in this latest atrocity. TONY Hey, they just put my name on the invitations -- She thrusts a dossier of photos out to him. CHRISTINE Is this what you call accountability? He looks at the photos, going stone-faced. TONY When were these taken? CHRISTINE Yesterday. Good P.R. move, you tell the world you’re a changed man, even I believed you. [THE PHOTOS] victorious insurgents, the Ten Rings insignia on their vehicles, clutch Stark machine guns, RPGs. Behind, a town burns, bodies strewn. A photo of civilians being marched in rows, pre-execution, Stark weapons trained at their backs. TONY I didn’t approve this shipment. [CONTINUED] (2) 105 105 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 64. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. CHRISTINE Well your company did. TONY Come with me. He leaves, making a bee line for... CONTINUED: 106 106 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 64A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. DISNEY CONCERT HALL - MINUTES LATER - NIGHT A107 A107 Tony strides out to the red-carpet paparazzi. TONY I made some promises I’m not going to be able to keep. I suggest you pull all your money out of Stark Industries immediately -- Obadiah is suddenly there, steering Tony up the entrance stairs. OBADIAH Is this like a tick for you? Whenever you have a feeling, you start going to all the people who don’t trust you, who don’t protect you. They’re going to put a spin on everything you say. TONY Wait a minute. I got to ask you something. I’m dead serious about this. I’m not kidding. Am I losing my mind or is Pepper really cute? Do you think she’s attractive and interesting, or is it just that her hair is down? I’ve been out of the game for a while. OBADIAH Are you out of your mind. You’re messing with the “guys in the rooms”, we’re talking about billion dollar interests, the world order -- TONY I’m not worried about that right now -- OBADIAH -- you should be. You’ll disappear. I can’t protect you against people like that --? The Paparazzi has snuck up on them, snapping photos. [CONTINUED] (2) 106 106 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 65. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OBADIAH DO YOU MIND? They go further up the stairs. OBADIAH Tony don’t be so naive -- TONY -- naive? I was naive before, when I was growing up and they told me don’t ever cross this line, this is how we do business. In the meantime we’re double-dealing under the table. We don’t even deserve to represent the United States -- OBADIAH -- Tony, you’re a child --! TONY -- you don’t believe I can turn this company around, do you --? OBADIAH -- you’ve got about as much control over things as a child riding in the backseat of your father’s car with a red plastic steering wheel in your hand. TONY Maybe I’ll just get out of the car. OBADIAH You’re not even allowed in the car. (then) I’m the one who’s filing the injunction against you. Tony is shell-shocked. Then, he goes after Obadiah. They jostle and Obadiah backs off as Tony goes ballistic. The paparazzi snap photos. OBADIAH It’s the only way I could protect you. Aki (from earlier) and several Obadiah’s Men, smiling, but steely-eyed, step in to prevent Tony from following Obadiah to his waiting car. CONTINUED: A107 A107 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 65A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY (yelling after Obadiah) This is going to stop. CUT TO: OMITTED B107 B107 [CONTINUED] (2) A107 A107 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 65B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT 107 107 Tony, wearing a Mark III gauntlet, wired to his RT chest- piece, turns a screwdriver to adjust the power. On the wall beside him -- [A flatscreen TV] live war footage, refugees huddled. The bottom crawl reads, “BREAKING NEWS - TRAGEDY IN GULMIRA.” TV REPORTER’S VOICE -- the ten mile drive to the outskirts of Gulmira can only be described as a descent into Hell, into a modern-day Heart of Darkness. Simple farmers and herders, from peaceful villages, driven from their homes at the butt of Western rifles and the turrets of modern tanks. Displaced from their lands by Warlords and insurgent groups emboldened by their newfound power -- a power fueled by high-tech weapons easily purchased with Poppy money on the black market -- and further destabilizing a fragile region which for decades has been a tinderbox of tribal feuding and ethnic hatred -- Tony aims the gauntlet at some light fixtures. Gives them an RT blast. They spark and fall from the ceiling. TV REPORTER’S VOICE (CONT’D) The villagers have taken shelter in whatever crude dwellings they can find -- in the ruins of other razed villages, in the cold barren scrublands, or in the remnants of an old Soviet smelting plant. Our translator relayed to us one human tragedy after another. A seven year old boy, thin as a scarecrow, clutching yellowed photographs and holding them out to anyone who would stop, with a child’s simple [question] where are my mother and father? A woman, begging for news of her husband, who’d been kidnapped by insurgents -- either forced to join their militia, or to be shot without reason -- (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 66-67. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Tony adjusts the gauntlet again, raising the power level. Blasts a window in the lab, shattering the glass and knocking a painting off the wall. TV REPORTER’S VOICE (CONT’D) With no political will or international pressure, there is little hope for these newly-formed refugees. Refugees who can only [wonder one thing] is the world watching? A final adjustment. Another RT blast -- this time Tony wipes out the plasma TV screen. NEW ANGLE - MINUTES LATER 108 108 Pepper enters, regards the destruction, the massive hole in the ceiling, then Tony. He is stoic. PEPPER Are you going to tell me what’s going on? TONY (never looking at her) Get my house in Dubai ready. I want to throw a party. She’s flustered by his abrupt tone. PEPPER Yes. Mr. Stark. EXT. DUBAI SKYLINE - ESTABLISHING (STOCK FOOTAGE) - DUSK A109 A109 EXT. TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - DUSK 109 109 Festively lit up, music cranking. Expensive cars pulling up, valets scurrying. Beautiful people everywhere. CONTINUED: 107 107 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 66-67A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. DUBAI VILLA - SAME TIME - DUSK A110 A110 Tony weaves through glitzy guests, saying hello, shaking hands, slapping shoulders. TYCOON Tony! You never said what is the big occasion? TONY Ever known me to need one? The Tycoon laughs, as Tony keeps moving. EXT. TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - POOLSIDE - HOURS LATER - NIGHT B110 B110 The party in full tilt now. Guests dancing everywhere, or splashing around in the pool. Tony moves along, arm-in-arm with two exotic beauties (DUBAI BEAUTY #1 & DUBAI BEAUTY #2). Pepper approaches him. PEPPER Well you seem back in old form. TONY Life of the party -- isn’t that what everyone wanted? (then) Cue the fireworks in five, would you? DUBAI BEAUTY #1 Kinky! He stumbles towards the house with the two giggling women PEPPER Sure. (with edge) Don’t hurt yourself. INT. MASTER BEDROOM - TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - MINUTES LATER - 110 110 NIGHT The Dubai beauties tumble onto the huge bed. TONY I’ll be right back. Why don’t you two...get started without me. They laugh and he checks his watch, then slips out a side door, instantly sober. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 68. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - POOLSIDE - MINUTES LATER - NIGHT 111 111 Guests congregate, watching the massive fireworks show. The HISS and BOOM of launching and bursting rockets. NEW ANGLE - PEPPER Alone, staring off. She spots a streaking ‘rocket’, but unlike the others, it disappears without exploding. [CLOSER - FIREWORKS] heavy concussion, lighting up the sky. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 68A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. SKY - DAWN A112 A112 Tony flying against the backdrop of rising dawn. Peaceful. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. GULMIRA - DAY 112 112 A mortar explodes in our face. Smoke drifts away revealing -- A terrified MOTHER and her FOUR KIDS huddled in a cave-like crawlspace. She doesn’t have enough arms to cover them all. [THEIR POV - OF ‘ALLEY’ OUTSIDE] an abandoned industrial facility. GUNFIRE, SCREAMING. In the distance -- Ragged tents and shanties are beset upon by black clad Irregular Forces, firing and burning and destroying. Soldiers toss grenades into rat holes. Hunter-killer teams fire at offscreen targets -- then smile with satisfaction. The oldest of the four kids in the crawlspace darts out into the alley, frantically calling -- KID Arto! ARTO! On his way back he’s surprised by a four man hunter-killer team. They shout at him to drop the puppy, but he won’t. The men cock their guns, briefly distracted by a strange rocket-streak in the sky. Never mind, they take aim on the boy, and are about to fire when -- IRON MAN lands before them, slamming his fist to the ground in the classic Granov fist smash. With a single RT blast -- The Soldiers are thrown fifty yards. Tony scoops up the Kid, with the barking mutt in his arms, and they take off. NEW ANGLE - CRAWLSPACE Iron Man drops down, delivering Kid and dog back to safety. The Kid, ignoring his mother’s protests, darts back out to watch Iron Man. He sees -- A Soldier flying like a ragdoll from behind a heap of bricks. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 69. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The Boy moves for a better view and sees Iron Man in full terrible glory, deflecting withering fire while laying waste to a cluster of militants with his fists and bursts of RT. Refugees slowly emerge from their cover, stunned to watch Soldiers retreating in fear. CUT TO: Raza, his wounds healed like papier-mâché, observing his retreating men from a command post. He grabs a rifle, steps through a building, and spots -- Iron Man, in the distance, throwing a Soldier through a wall. Raza scrunches into nook, riveted. NEW ANGLE - IRON MAN Picks a Soldier up, who’s about to fire an RPG. Holds an RT palm to the man’s face. SOLDIER (shuddering in terror) Geneva Convention! Article Three! Geneva Convention -- Tony disarms the soldier, tosses him down. The Soldier scrambles away for his life. Suddenly Tony is jarred by a sniper’s bullet. INTERCUT - INT. TONY’S SUIT - SAME TIME A thermal silhouette of a rooftop sniper. Tony fires RT, but “OUT OF RANGE” flashes. CUT TO: Tony is hit again. He spots a Jeep wheel and grabs it. CUT TO: Calculations cascade across Tony’s display, culminating in a hyperbolic arc with a blinking target. CUT TO: Full view of Tony as he whips the wheel like a discus. CUT TO: CONTINUED: 112 112 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 70. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The Sniper, as he’s hit and flies off the roof. CUT TO: Tony, turning, intrepid -- he’s ready to mop up the rest. INT. CENTRAL AIR OPS CTR - EDWARDS AFB - SAME TIME - NIGHT 113 113 In the glow of consoles, and on huge SCREENS, Officers watch grainy satellite views of the action on the ground. [SCREENS] A vague figure moving through the battle haze and smoke. Flying, blasting -- Insurgents fleeing. MAJOR ALLEN (50s) enters the CAOC, taking in the Images. MAJOR ALLEN Are we in there? OFFICER Negative, it’s a local skirmish, green-on-green. MAJOR ALLEN (scrutinizing the screens) Anyone want to tell me what the hell I’m looking at? OFFICER A drone? An advanced robotic? We don’t know what it is, Sir. MAJOR ALLEN Get someone down here from Weapons Development -- now. EXT. GULMIRA - SAME TIME - DAY 114 114 Emboldened Refugees emerge from hiding in droves, when -- A tank shell blasts the building next to Tony. He staggers. The tank rolls towards him smashing makeshift hovels. Tony gets to his feet, squares off with the tank, its turret zeroing on him. CUT TO: CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 71. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. [Tony’s H.U.D.] switching to a schematic overlay of the Stark- designed tank. He identifies its weak spot, then -- CUT TO: A forearm panel pops open on Tony’s suit, revealing a mini- missile pod. He fires and -- CONTINUED: 114 114 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 71A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The missile nails the weak spot. A chain reaction, then -- The tank explodes, raining debris. Then -- Tony is surprised from behind. He whirls, brandishing his glowing palm. But it’s only -- The little Boy from earlier, holding an apple out to him. He musses the boy’s hair, waves and -- Takes off. The Kid watches in awe. ANGLE ON - RAZA Like a rat hiding in a crawlspace. He dials on a Sat-Phone, watching as Iron Man flies below the rafters. RAZA (subtitled) Put me through to the boss. ANGLE ON - REFUGEES Cheering faces as Tony does a low pass over them, and climbs into the sky. The battlefield smolders below as Tony rises to the clouds. INTERCUT - INT. TONY’S SUIT - SAME TIME - DAY TONY Jarvis, plot a course for home. INTERCUT - INT. CENTRAL AIR OPS CTR - SAME TIME - (NIGHT) Rhodey enters, pulling off his jacket. He paces past screens taking in the SAT-IMAGES of Iron Man’s assault on Gulmira. MAJOR ALLEN So what do we have here, Rhodes? RHODEY I don’t think it’s Russian, or Chinese. MAJOR ALLEN Then where did it come from? RHODEY (thinking, then--) Let me make a call. [CONTINUED] (2) 114 114 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Rhodey punches a number on a console. All around him, pixellated images of destruction. CUT TO: An INCOMING CALL flashes up on Tony’s HUD. D.O.D. EMERGENCY CALL. TONY (hesitates, then) Put it through, Jarvis. (listens) Yeah? CUT TO: Rhodey paces listening to the headset, away from the chaos. RHODEY Tony, it’s Rhodey. (then) What the hell’s that noise? TONY (O.S.) I’m in the convertible. Not the best time -- CUT TO: TONY’S SUIT RHODEY (O.S.) I need a quick ID. What do you know about un-manned combat robotics, with air-ground capabilities. TONY Never heard of anything like that. Why? CUT TO: CAOC, a TOPO MAP showing Iron Man’s “dot” about to cross a line. OFFICER UAV has entered the no-fly zone-- RHODEY Because I think I’m staring at one right now, and it’s about get blown to Kingdom Come. CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. ALARMS add to the frenzy of the control room. MAJOR ALLEN Rhodes! You got something for me? TONY (O.S.) Uhh...’kingdom come’? CUT TO: Two USAF F-22 Raptors flash out of the clouds like sharks. CUT TO: [TONY’S HUD] His ALARM SOUNDS, “PROXIMITY WARNING” FLASHES. TONY This is my exit -- gotta go. CUT TO: SKY 115 115 [FRONTAL] we see Tony going turbo and rolling out of view in a treacherous bank. The F-22s curve expertly onto his tail. VIPER 1 (O.S.) Ballroom Control -- this is Viper 1 & 2 checking in. UAV is in sight. MAJOR ALLEN (O.S.) [Viper] target at 330 for 10 miles. Tony screams past us, trying to outrun the pursuing jets. CUT TO: CONTROL ROOM A116 A116 The CAOC SCREENS now fill up with images from the belly-cams of the Raptors. The pursuit of Iron Man. Awe-inspiring. Officers react. Rhodey’s face. Holy shit. What is it? INTERCUT - INT. F-22 (viper 1) - FLYING - SAME TIME - DAY [From behind the Pilot] as he fights to stay with Tony. CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. VIPER 1 Ballroom, contact appears to be an unmanned aerial vehicle-- MAJOR ALLEN (O.S.) Ballroom copies, you are cleared to engage. The cockpit’s BITCHING-BETTY now speaks in a calm voice. BITCHING-BETTY (O.S.) Locked on! Locked on! CUT TO: Viper 1’s F-22 fires a SIDEWINDER MISSILE. CUT TO: Iron Man goes full tilt as the missile closes in fast. CUT TO: [TONY’S HUD] a red dot moves across the center of his face. JARVIS (O.S.) Incoming Sidewinder in five... four...three...two... ‘COUNTER-MEASURES’ flashes on the screen. CUT TO: A hatch opens on the Iron suit. Chaff is released. CUT TO: The Sidewinder hits the cloud of chaff and -- The missile detonates. Iron Man shoots from the fireball. The Raptors veer. Iron Man dives, rolls into dizzying evasive maneuvers. Pulling heavy Gs. The F-22s stay glued to his tail. CUT TO: [HUD] Tony nearly blacks out as the G-Force Meter hits red. CONTINUED: A116 A116 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. JARVIS (O.S.) Sir, may I remind you that the suit can handle these maneuvers. You cannot. CUT TO: The F-22s now spray heavy cannon-fire in Iron Man’s path. Tracer rounds streak past Tony, exploding, hitting him, ricocheting off the armor. Tearing him up. TONY (O.S.) Jarvis -- AIR BRAKES! The brakes pop out from the suit and Tony instantly slams down to a quarter-speed. The jets blow past him. CUT TO: VIPER 1 That was not a drone. Viper 1, checking his scope. Nothing. VIPER 2 (O.S.) Where the hell is it? CUT TO: Rhodey, his wheels beginning to turn, stares at the belly-cam monitors. Nothing but sky and clouds. Then -- OFFICER Lt. Colonel Rhodes, I have Tony Stark calling-- RHODEY Put him through. The call clicks on Rhodey’s headset. A low ROAR in the b.g. Rhodey strains to hear. TONY (O.S.) Rhodey, I had Jarvis run a check. I might have some info on that UAV. A piece of gear like that might exist. Might definitely exist -- Rhodey speaks low, away from the Major. [CONTINUED] (2) A116 A116 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72D. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RHODEY Wouldn’t happen to be red and gold, would it? CUT TO: Viper 1&2 in close formation, searching, searching. Viper 2 begins to bank slowly, and coming into view -- Iron Man -- clinging to the underside of one of the Raptors. VIPER 1 (O.S.) Viper 2 -- he’s on your belly! Shake him! VIPER 2 (O.S.) What--? CUT TO: CONTROL ROOM ALLEN’s eyes go wide at the belly-cam images. The Iron suit hangs on for dear life as the Raptor tries to shake it. VIPER 1 (O.S.) [Ballroom] that is definitely not a UAV. MAJOR ALLEN What is it then? VIPER 1 (O.S.) I think it’s...a Man, sir. [PUSH IN] on Rhodey, as all the pieces click. RHODEY Son of a bitch. (then) Tony--! But the line is dead. CUT TO: Viper 2, frantic, looking out both sides of the cockpit, trying to spy Iron Man, shaking the jet harder. VIPER 1 (O.S.) Still there Viper 2. ROLL! ROLL! [CONTINUED] (3) A116 A116 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72E. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Viper 2 works the stick, world becoming a centrifugal blur. CUT TO: Viper 2 engages in dangerous rolls. The horizon spins as Iron Man clings desperately for life. CUT TO: [INSIDE SUIT] BUZZERS. WARNING LIGHTS FLASH: “POWER 28%”. JARVIS (O.S.) [Sir] two minutes and there won’t be sufficient power to get home. CUT TO: Finally, Tony is jarred loose, tumbling and -- Hits Viper 1’s tail-fin, shearing it off. The jet careens out of control. VIPER 1 (O.S.) I’M HIT! CUT TO: Inside Viper 1’s Raptor, spiraling crazily. Viper 1 pulls his EJECT and blasts out of the crippled jet. CUT TO: The sky, as we fall with Viper 1, his chute failing to open as he pulls the damaged lever. And he continues plunging, Earth and sky revolving like one. MAJOR ALLEN (O.S.) Viper 2, do you see a chute? VIPER 2 (O.S.) Negative! No chute, no chute-- CUT TO: Iron Man zipping through the clouds. JARVIS (O.S.) Power critical, set course for home immediately. [CONTINUED] (4) A116 A116 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72F. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. But Tony dives, vortices curling off his feet as he pursues the tumbling pilot. VIPER 2 (O.S.) The UAV is going after him! It’s attacking--! CUT TO: Iron Man reaches the pilot, and they are face to face a split second, before he yanks the chute mechanism free and -- The chute snaps open, yanking the pilot up and out of view. VIPER 2 (O.S.) GOOD CHUTE! GOOD CHUTE! You’re not gonna believe this, Ballroom... but that thing just saved his ass. Iron Man banks sharply, coming dangerously close to the ground. Viper 2 barrel-rolls onto his tail. CUT TO: Rhodey and Major ALLEN are glued to the SCREENS. MAJOR ALLEN [Viper 2] re-engage. RHODEY -- WAIT --! MAJOR ALLEN -- TAKE THE TARGET OUT! RHODEY Major, call off that Raptor. You don’t know what you’re shooting at. MAJOR ALLEN We’ll find out when recover the pieces. CUT TO: Viper 2’s Bitching Betty activates. BITCHING-BETTY (O.S.) LOCKED ON! LOCKED ON! Viper 2, staying with Tony in a barrel roll-- [CONTINUED] (5) A116 A116 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72G. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. VIPER 2 [Ballroom] understand, you want me to engage the UAV? The Pilot’s finger hovers over the kill button. CUT TO: MAJOR ALLEN Copy. RHODEY Negative, Viper 2, disengage. MAJOR ALLEN It’s not your call. That thing just took out an F-22 inside a legal no-fly zone (then) Viper 2: you get a clean shot you take it. Rhodey’s eyes are locked on the screens. CUT TO: Viper 2 fires its missile. It races towards Iron Man. Evasive maneuvers, chaff released. Then the explosion -- way too close for comfort. Iron Man is thrown from the frame by the fireball. CUT TO: Iron Man’s “dot” vanishes from the screens. MAJOR ALLEN Viper 2. Can you confirm the kill? VIPER 2 (O.S.) I got him good. He went down, he was smokin’. But I cannot confirm. Rhodey reacts. [CONTINUED] (6) A116 A116 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 72H. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. A117 A117 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 73. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 116 116 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 74-78. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 117 117 OMITTED A118 A118 OMITTED B118 B118 INT. TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - ALCOVE - SAME TIME - DAY C118 C118 Pepper sitting on a small bench, head propped in her hand, having dozed off. A WHOOSH and a streak flashes outside the window, startling her awake. Pepper rises, looking around, then exits frame -- INT. TONY’S DUBAI VILLA - SITTING ROOM - MINUTES LATER - DAY 118 118 Pepper enters, cautiously, moving towards something in the shadows. We hinge as she passes us, to REVEAL -- Tony, sitting in a huge chair, the armor scarred and still smoking. Helmet off, bleeding from the nose and ears. A drink in one shaky hand. TONY Get me home... EXT. SNOW-COVERED WASTELAND - OUTSKIRTS OF GULMIRA - NIGHT 119 119 A few yurts. Raza’s bivouacked men lick their battle wounds. A devastated band. They grab their guns and stand-to as -- A train of black Suburbans arrive. Private Security Guards exit and take up positions. Then -- The scarred Raza saunters out of a yurt and goes to the lead Suburban. Its door opens and out steps -- Obadiah Stane gazes about, unfazed, then -- RAZA Welcome. Obadiah assesses the scars on Raza’s face. RAZA Compliments of Tony Stark. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 79. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OBADIAH If you’d killed him when you were supposed to, you’d still have a face. RAZA You paid us trinkets to kill a prince. An insult, to me and the man whose ring I wear. [CLOSE ON - RAZA’S RING] the familiar ten interlocked rings. OBADIAH I think it’s best we don’t get him involved in this. (then) I’ve come a long way to see this weapon. Show me. RAZA Come. Leave your guards outside. CONTINUED: 119 119 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 79A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. RAZA’S YURT - NIGHT 120 120 Obadiah enters and stares down, transfixed. [STANE’S POV] THE REASSEMBLED GRAY ARMOR suspended on wires. RAZA His escape bore unexpected fruit. OBADIAH (as it dawns on him) ...so this is how he did it. RAZA This is only a crude first effort. But he’s perfected his design-- Raza hands grainy surveillance photos to Stane. [CLOSE ON - VARIOUS PHOTOS] Iron Man wreaking havoc in Gulmira. Stane has seen the future. Then he looks down at -- Tony’s crusty laptop. The onion-skin schematics. OBADIAH What’s this? RAZA The inside of Tony Stark’s mind. Raza arranges the schematics on a light board, and the sketches laid together become...Iron Man. RAZA Everything you will need to build this weapon. Obadiah is circling the armor now, taking it all in. Raza sits and pours tea. RAZA Stark has made a masterpiece of death. A man with a dozen of these could rule from the Pacific to the Ukraine. And you dream of Stark’s throne -- we have a common enemy. Now Stane pokes at the vacant hole in the chest plate. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 80-81. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. RAZA If we are back in business, I give you these designs as my gift. In turn, I hope you will repay me with a gift of iron soldiers. Obadiah smiles, places his hands on Raza’s shoulders, as if going to hug him in brotherhood. OBADIAH (in perfect Urdu) This...is the only gift you shall receive. Raza is strangely confused. Paralyzed. Blood begins running from his ear. And now, in Obadiah’s hand, we realize he’s holding a device. A sonic taser. Obadiah removes a pair of filtering ear-plugs as Raza crumples to the dirt. OBADIAH Technology -- (holds up the taser) it’s always been your Achilles Heel. Don’t worry, it’ll wear off in fifteen minutes -- but that’s the least of your problems. Obadiah removes Raza’s ring, studies it. Then he turns and exits-- EXT. RAZA’S YURT - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 121 121 As he steps out of the tent, Obadiah sees -- By the Suburbans, Raza’s men kneel, guns to their heads. OBADIAH (to head guard) Crate up that armor and the rest of it. We TRACK WITH Obadiah as he passes Raza’s kneeling men. OBADIAH Send them to their virgins. The SOUND of MACHINE GUN FIRE. Obadiah does not flinch. CONTINUED: 120 120 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 80-81A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. PHIL COULSON’S OFFICE - DAY 124 124 Phil Coulson at his desk. He picks up the phone and dials. COULSON Ms. Potts. It’s Agent Coulson from the Strategic Homeland Inter-- PEPPER (O.S.) Yes, I know. Unfortunately Tony is not going to be available to sit down with you for a while. COULSON Really? And why is that? PEPPER (O.S.) He’s uh, there’s a...Tony won’t be-- COULSON Maybe I can meet with you instead? INTERCUT - TONY’S LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME PEPPER Why? I don’t know anything. COULSON (O.S.) About what? PEPPER About anything. There’s a BUZZ. Pepper eyes the security monitor and sees Rhodey. RHODEY (ON MONITOR) Pepper. It’s Rhodey. PEPPER (pressing a button) Come in. COULSON (O.S.) I’d just like to ask you a few questions. PEPPER I’m really jammed right now. Booked solid for the next few weeks. I have to go. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 82. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Rhodey enters, grim. COULSON Let’s just put something on the books. How about (checks his calendar) the twenty-eighth? Seven PM, at Stark Industries? PEPPER Great. Perfect. Bye. She hangs up. RHODEY How’s he doing? PEPPER Not so good. RHODEY I want to see him. PEPPER You can’t see him right now. Rhodey eyes the hole in the ceiling, worried now. RHODEY What the hell is going on here? (off her silence) Let me in there, Pepper. She faces off with him. Then allows him by. PEPPER You want to see him? Fine. See what you’ve done to him. INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - STARK ESTATE - MINUTES LATER AA123 AA123 Tony lies in bed, tethered to all sorts of medical equipment. Rhodey enters, stunned at Tony’s state. Pulls up a chair and sits. Tony drifts in and out of consciousness. RHODEY Look at you...what were you thinking? CONTINUED: (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 82A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY Weapons I built are being used to kill innocent people. Can’t let that happen anymore. RHODEY You can’t go around and blow up stuff every time you see something you don’t like on TV. TONY Yes I can. RHODEY You got lucky, next time they’ll blow you to pieces. TONY Next time, maybe I won’t play defense. Rhodey, floored, gets to his feet. Paces. RHODEY Does Pepper know about this? He nods, his eyes starting to flicker. RHODEY You’ve put me in a tough spot here. What am I supposed to do? TONY That’s up to you. I’ve made my choice -- I’m not going to sit on the sidelines anymore -- I’m going to fight for what’s right. RHODEY Don’t you get it? It’s not up to us to decide. TONY That’s where you’re wrong... He drifts into unconsciousness. INT.SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - STARK INTERNATIONAL HQ - DAY AB123 AB123 Windowless and full of pipes. The Mark I armor, dissected into its pieces, hovers mid air, suspended by wires. CONTINUED: AA123 AA123 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 82B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Elite Engineers from the Stark empire are hard at work, milling and machining armored parts. Obadiah walks among them. OBADIAH Civilization, gentlemen, has been preserved by the right people having the right idea at the right time. You are shaping in your hands, this very moment, the future of this company, and this nation. But it is imperative this project remain data-masked, that it’s existence never leave these walls. Make no mistake -- this is a ‘tool’, that in wrong hands, could jeopardize civilization as we know it. Obadiah faces the Head Engineer. HEAD ENGINEER Give us full access to the Sampson Cluster, and we’ll have you a prototype in record time. OBADIAH The Sampson’s yours. We go 24-7. EXT. CAVE - AFGHANISTAN - DAY A123 A123 Yinsen, framed by the mountains in the b.g., stares at us. YINSEN Are you on the right path? I don’t know...what does your heart tell you, Stark? HOLD on Yinsen, then -- CUT TO: INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - DAY 123 123 Tony waking up in his gilded bedroom, alone. He catches his own sad reflection in a mirror. Hooked up to IVs and machinery that PINGS and HISSES. CONTINUED: AB123 AB123 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 82C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED A125 A125 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 82D. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED B125 B125 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 83. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S BEDROOM - DAY C125 C125 Pepper enters and finds Tony’s bed empty. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - DAY D125 D125 * Pepper enters as Tony toils away at an eviscerated suit * suspended from a chain winch. * TONY * This device will hack into Stark * Industries mainframe. I need you to * go to there and retrieve all * shipping manifests. * PEPPER * What are you doing? Absolutely not * you should be in bed... * TONY * ...they’ve been dealing weapons * under the table and I’m going to * stop them. * PEPPER * Absolutely not. I’m not helping you * with anything if you’re going to * start this again. * TONY * There is nothing else. There’s no * art opening. There’s no benefit. * There’s nothing to sign. There’s * no decisions to be made. There’s * the next mission and nothing else. * There’s nothing except this. * PEPPER * I quit. * TONY * Really? You stood there by my side * when all I did was reap the * benefits of wholesale * irresponsibility and destruction * and now that I’m trying to right * those wrongs and protect the people * I put in harms way you’re going to * walk out on me. * (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 84. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER * You’re going to kill yourself. I * can’t support that. * TONY * So far so good. * (beat) * Pepper. I know what I have to do. * I don’t know if I can, but I know * in my heart that it’s right. And * you do too. And I can’t do it * without you. * CONTINUED: D125 D125 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 84A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - SAME TIME - DAY E125 E125 * Obadiah, next to his Head Engineer. Behind them are the hulking steel legs of the Dynamo, extending out of frame. The sparks from a welding gun shower down. HEAD ENGINEER There’s no technology that can power this thing. OBADIAH I told you, miniaturize the ARK reactor. HEAD ENGINEER I’m sorry, Mr. Stane, I’ve tried. What you’re asking for can’t be done. OBADIAH Tony Stark was able to do it in a cave -- with a box of scraps. HEAD ENGINEER Well...I’m not Tony Stark. [HOLD ON - OBADIAH] his mind churning something. INT. HALLWAY - STARK INDUSTRIES - NIGHT 125 125 After hours, few people around. Pepper hurries down the dimmed main hallway of Stark Industries. Casting nervous glances back behind her. INT. TONY’S OFFICE - MINUTES LATER - DAY 126 126 Pepper at Tony’s computer. She plugs in the hacking device (the size of a jump-drive) Tony gave her. [MONITOR] the screen as the device starts hacking through Obadiah’s passwords, firewalls, security nets. She’s in. She watches items scroll up from Obadiah’s hard drive. [MONITOR] Jericho Missile orders. Shipping manifests. PEPPER Make a copy of everything-- (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 85-86. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. More. Schematics and blueprints. For sections of the Dynamo suit. For the pipe room under the Ark Reactor. PEPPER What are you doing, Obadiah? She glances towards the door, thinking she heard something. Waits. Nothing. [THE MONITOR] an icon now appears, with Arabic text underneath. An icon for a video clip. She double clicks, watches-- MONITOR [A grainy video clip opens] Tony, half-dead, tied to a chair. Raza and his henchmen behind him. It’s the ‘decapitation tape’ made in the cave months ago. She shakes her head, disbelieving. PEPPER Translate-- [CLOSE ON - MONITOR] as the clip plays, the translated text [appears like subtitles] “Obadiah Stane, you have deceived us...the price to kill Tony Stark has just gone up...” Pepper, shell-shocked, gapes at the monitor. [PEPPER’S POV] she looks up from the monitor to see Stane standing there in the doorway. She nearly leaps out of her skin. OBADIAH What a nice surprise. PEPPER I...just wanted to get some of my personal stuff. (nods to the monitor) And my resume. In case. (grins) You know how I love job hunting. He circles around the desk and Pepper quickly changes screens, replacing the DOWNLOAD INDICATOR with GOOGLE. OBADIAH How’s Tony? CONTINUED: 126 126 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 85-86A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER Honestly...I don’t know. He’s shut me out. OBADIAH You and everyone else. He circles her, picking up a photo on the desk of Tony. Pepper stiffens, flicks a glance at -- The hacking jump-drive protruding. The WHIRR and GRIND of the hard drive as it copies Stane’s files. PEPPER This...thing between you, it’s hurting him. You’re the only real father Tony ever had. It would mean so much if you could just talk -- OBADIAH (matter-of-fact) Tony’s imploding -- it’s unfortunate. (then) You should consider whether you want to take that ride with him. PEPPER “Unfortunate?” OBADIAH You know I love Tony -- but this is business. We can’t save him, but we can save his legacy. She flashes to the download screen, “87%” completed. OBADIAH It’s tragic, but...Tony never really came home, did he? He circles behind her again, looking closely at the screen-- again depicting Google ads. OBADIAH This company has a bright future, I’d like you to be a part of it. He smiles and touches her cheek. She shuts off the computer. OBADIAH Tony doesn’t understand your value. He never did. [CONTINUED] (2) 126 126 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 85-86B. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER Are you...offering me a job? OBADIAH Think about it. (then) Come on, I’ll walk you out. He takes her box of personal effects, waits for her. As she passes the computer, she snatches the jump drive out, palming [it. A tense moment] did he see her? [CONTINUED] (3) 126 126 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 85-86C. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 127 127 OMITTED 128 128 OMITTED 129 129 OMITTED 130 130 OMITTED 131 131 OMITTED 132 132 OMITTED A133 A133 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 87-88. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 133 133 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 89. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. LOBBY - STARK INDUSTRIES - DAY 134 134 Pepper descends the stairs as Obadiah hovers above on the balcony railing -- watching her. [PEPPER’S POV] by the Security Desk, a savior: Agent Coulson gestures and argues with the Security Guard. Pepper rushes over, startles Coulson by linking arms with him and dragging him towards the door. COULSON Miss Potts, did you forget our appointment? PEPPER No. Of course not. I’ve been very much looking forward to it. Let’s-- (looks over her shoulder) -- why don’t we do this somewhere else? They push outside. Obadiah still watches from above. OMITTED 135 135 OMITTED 136 136 OMITTED 137 137 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 90-91. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT A138 A138 Noisy as Tony slaves away on the CNC machine. Behind him is-- [A SCREEN] listing six messages, all the same: “MISSED CALL - PEPPER.” Suddenly, the CNC machine powers down unexpectedly. TONY What gives, Jarvis? JARVIS (O.S.) You have a visitor, Sir. Obadiah Stane is here. INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 138 138 Obadiah holds a pizza. OBADIAH It’s UNOS. Four cheese. I just had it flown in from Chicago. Tony remains stoic. Obadiah puts the pizza down, crosses to Tony and hands him a letter. OBADIAH I’d like you to proof-read something for me. JARVIS (O.S.) Would you like me to spell-check it, Sir? OBADIAH Can you turn him off? All the way? TONY (as he scans the letter) Spin down Jarvis. Tony looks up from the letter, surprised. TONY Your resignation. OBADIAH You were right. It’s not my company -- not my name on the building. (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 92. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. We were a great team...but I guess this is where our paths diverge. Tony hears a blip from the phone system. CLOSE ON - ANSWERING SYSTEM LCD “INCOMING. PEPPER POTTS” appears. Tony looks to Obadiah. TONY Pepper. I should take that. OBADIAH Tony. Please. I’ll be out of here in a minute. Tony finally nods, pushes a button, sending the call to voice mail. Obadiah meets Tony’s eyes, fatherly. Puts a hand on Tony’s shoulder. OBADIAH We have too much history to part on bad terms. I’d like your blessing. Tony’s eyes, suddenly registering a paralyzing pain. CONTINUED: 138 138 OBADIAH (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 92A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. [FLASH ON] Stane’s ear, the blue electronic ‘filter’, like the ones he wore with Raza. Tony sinks back in his chair. Stane places the sonic taser down on the table. OBADIAH Easy, now. Try to breathe... He kneels beside Tony. Unbuttons Tony’s shirt. OBADIAH You can’t mess with progress, Tony. It’s an insult to the Gods. You created your greatest weapon ever -- but you think that means it belongs to you. It belongs to the world. [CLOSE ON - TONY’S EYES] wide with pain, unable to move. All he can do is gasp and gurgle as -- Stane begins removing the chest-piece from its socket. OBADIAH Your “heart” will be the seed of the next generation of weapons. They’ll help us steer the world back in the right direction -- put the balance of power back in our hands. The right hands. [CLOSE ON - OBADIAH] he removes Tony’s “heart”, the RT glow reflecting on his face. OBADIAH By the time you die, my prototype will be operational. (smiles) It’s not as conservative as yours. He wraps the heart in cloth. Then stands, clicking off the sonic taser and pocketing it. Tony rolls from the chair, onto his back, staring at the ceiling. Already slipping away. Then-- OBADIAH The sad thing is...we’re both the good guys. Obadiah kills the lights and leaves [CONTINUED] (2) 138 138 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 93. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. RHODEY’S OFFICE - NIGHT 139 139 Rhodey is on the phone with Pepper. RHODEY What do you mean, he paid to have Tony killed? Slow down. Why would Obadiah-- (listens) Where is Tony now? SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 93A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. PARKING GARAGE - NIGHT A140 A140 Pepper, Coulson and five dark-suited Agents walk with urgency towards two Crown Victorias. Pepper is on her cellphone, worried-- PEPPER --I don’t know, he’s not answering his phone. Will you just go over there and check on him? Thanks Rhodey. She CLICKS off. The Agents pile into the Crown Vics, and Coulson holds a door open for her. Pepper instead beelines for her parked Audi. PEPPER I know a short cut. She hops in. Coulson looks at the Agent behind the wheel, then back at Pepper. COULSON I’ll ride with her. Coulson hurries over, jumps in and the Audi races off. The Crown Vics try to keep up. INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT B140 B140 Tony, on fumes, pulls himself up a shelving system. It topples, spilling items -- including the Lucite-encased heart Pepper gave him. He crawls to it, smashes it open. [CLOSE ON - TONY’S HAND] lifting the glowing chest piece. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - NIGHT C140 C140 Obadiah inserts the glowing “heart” he stole from Tony’s chest into the Dynamo’s chest. We can only see slivers of the full suit on its scaffolding. The heart locks in place and we go -- [CLOSE ON - DYNAMO’S EYES] coming alive. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 94. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 140 140 OMITTED 141 141 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 94A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 142 142 OMITTED 143 143 OMITTED A144 A144 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 95. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. ARK REACTOR - STARK INT’L HQ - NIGHT 144 144 Pepper and the Agents stand outside the locked door to the sub-basement pipe-room. An Agent finishes laying detonator cord around the door hinges. AGENT Clear. They take cover and the Agent hits a clacker. The door is blown off its hinges. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - NIGHT A145 A145 Obadiah looks up at the -- [SECURITY MONITORS] bad news. Pepper and the Agents infiltrating and moving towards the pipe room stairway. Obadiah’s face sets. He begins climbing up the scaffolding to the Dynamo. INT. TONY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT B145 B145 We HEAR A DOOR SPLINTERING. Rhodey rushes in and finds -- Traces of blood on the floor. The collapsed shelving unit. Tony staggering to stay on his feet. RHODEY TONY-- TONY Where’s Pepper? RHODEY Don’t worry, she’s with the Feds. They’re on their way to Stark to arrest Obadiah. TONY (grim--) They’re going to need a lot more than a few Agents. Give me hand. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 96. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - NIGHT C145 C145 The door swings open and Tony and Rhodey enter. Rhodey stops shocked, his eyes playing over -- The Hall of Armor. The hanging Mark II suit. The weaponized battle-ready Mark III. Components, rows of helmets, boots, gauntlets and future design prototypes littered everywhere. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - NIGHT 145 145 Pepper and the Agents drift through a metal jungle of vats, machines, armored limbs and guts hanging from tethers. Utility pipes run along the walls. They come upon the Mark I armor and stop, spooked. [We notice] an empty scaffolding. Pepper advances, Coulson and his team fanning out. [CLOSE ON - AN AGENT] looking off. Suddenly, he’s yanked out of frame. INT. TONY’S WORKSHOP - SAME TIME - NIGHT A146 A146 Rhodey helps Tony rivet a last panel in place, then tosses him the Mark III helmet. Tony lowers the helmet. Blasts off through the hole in the ceiling, knocking it even wider. Rhodey stares after him, impressed as hell. Then -- He sees the Mark II, beelines for it. Considers, then -- Shakes his head. He moves for Tony’s car collection. Likes the R8. Hops in, fires her up and screeches after Tony. SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 96A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT B146 B146 Wandering the fringes, Pepper tries to make a call on her cell. No signal. [PEPPER’S POV] through the pipes and girders, she spots what may be a pair of glowing eyes. The WHIRR of hydraulics and GRINDING METAL -- Wild gunfire suddenly breaks out. Bullets ricochet, hitting pipes, spewing steam and coolants. Pepper rushes away from the pandemonium. She whirls, squinting through the machine gears and steam, seeing flashes of -- Agents running for cover, firing their guns at some giant flitting shadow. Another agent is yanked out of view and SCREAMS. ANGLE ON - PEPPER Panicked, trying to find a way out. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 97. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. A piece of metal zips at her head, cutting pipes before it embeds itself in the cement above her. And now -- An Agent staggers out of the murk with his radio. AGENT Agents down, agents down! (seeing Pepper) GET OUT OF HERE -- He throttles her towards the exit, then runs off, firing and-- Pepper, half-way up the stairs, turns hearing the three-ton THUMP of the Dynamo’s legs charging out of the mist, but -- The armor is too big for the stairwell and crashes into it in a shower of debris. All we see is a brightly glowing chest-piece and arms, raking cement, grinding, trying to get up the stairs after -- Pepper, who fumbles her way up and out. OMITTED 146 146 OMITTED 147 147 EXT. ARK REACTOR - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 148 148 Pepper slams the door behind her. Silence. She catches her breath, dials on her cell with shaky fingers -- PEPPER Tony! Obadiah’s got a whole assembly line under the Ark. He’s inside one of them--! TONY (O.S.) Where are you--? Now she hears -- THUMP from below her. The asphalt cracks. Another THUMP and another and -- Pepper is knocked over as the asphalt bulges open to reveal the Dynamo’s fist. Her cellphone skitters away. Like a hatching dinosaur, he peels away asphalt, pulling himself out of the ground, and finally -- CONTINUED: B146 B146 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 98. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Rises to his full height. He turns, face-to-face with Pepper, who’s a gnat against this dull-grey leviathan. PEPPER (backpedaling) Obadiah... Dynamo keeps coming, not a single forgiving feature in the steel-face and dead eyes. Her foot hits her cellphone and she grabs it. And now she’s almost backed up against the Plexiglas of the ARK Reactor when -- PEPPER Tony-- TONY (O.S.) Pepper, I have one thing I need to [say to you] DUCK! Pepper dives as-- CONTINUED: 148 148 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 98A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The Dynamo stops, jerking his head up to see -- Iron Man, diving out of the sky at him, feet first. He lands on the Dynamo’s shoulders, and -- The iron giants crash back into the hole Dynamo crawled from. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 149 149 The warriors fall and hit a grating. Dynamo breaks through, plunging through pipes and into the water below, while -- Iron Man tumbles along the unbroken part of the grating and falls out of sight. EXT. ARK REACTOR - SAME TIME - NIGHT A150 A150 The atrium glass ruptures outward from the underground impact. Pepper dives to shield herself. She sees-- The reactor-housing has been cracked. KLAXONS BLARE. Warning lights flash as the damaged reactor begins to ‘melt down’. INT. SUB-BASEMENT PIPE ROOM - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT B150 B150 [DYNAMO’S POV] We emerge out of the water, searching for Iron Man. INTERCUT - INT. TONY’S SUIT - SAME TIME - NIGHT 150 150 [POV - MOVING] sweeping around the steel-maze with his INFRA- RED, but perforated steam pipes cast red plumes and confusing shadows everywhere. OBADIAH (O.S.) It’s miraculous, Tony, it’s your Ninth Symphony. Trying to rid the world of weapons, you gave it its best one ever. TONY This wasn’t meant for the world. Still moving, still swiveling through the murk -- OBADIAH (O.S.) How can you be so selfish? Do you understand what you’ve created? [CONTINUED] (2) 148 148 (MORE) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 99. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. This will put the balance of power back in our hands for decades. Your country needs this. TONY What kind of world will it be when everybody’s got one? OBADIAH (O.S.) Your father helped give us the bomb. What kind of world would it be if he’d failed us? CONTINUED: 150 150 OBADIAH (O.S.) (cont'd) (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 99A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INTERCUT - INT. DYNAMO SUIT - SAME TIME 151 151 [STANE’S POV] waiting, as Iron Man emerges from behind machinery and girders. He doesn’t see Dynamo, who charges -- CUT TO: OMITTED 152 152 OMITTED 153 153 OMITTED 154 154 OMITTED 155 155 OMITTED 156 156 OMITTED 157 157 OMITTED 158 158 PIPE ROOM - SAME TIME A159 A159 Iron Man realizes too late that Dynamo is coming at him like a bullet-train. He’s hit, driven backwards in Dynamo’s vice- grip, and they -- Smash into the cement wall and punch clean through it onto -- [CONTINUED] (2) 150 150 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 100. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. EXT. HIGHWAY - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 159 159 They crash into a truck trailer, passing through it and onto the highway, tossing vehicles aside. More cars screech, collide. A HYDROGEN-POWERED bus jack- knives, narrowly averting disaster. People flee vehicles. In Tony’s H.U.D., “INCOMING CALL” flashes-- PEPPER (O.S.) TONY -- ARE YOU THERE? TONY A little busy, Pepper-- PEPPER (O.S.) The reactor’s been it-- TONY Get to the control room. Shut it down-- PEPPER (O.S.) How the hell do I shut it down?? Dynamo rises first, grabs a Volvo station-wagon with a stunned mother and kids inside. Iron Man rises as the Dynamo lifts the car over his head. TONY Don’t. This is our fight. OBADIAH People are always going to die, Tony -- part of the chess game. INTERCUT - INT. VOLVO - SAME TIME - NIGHT (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 101. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. The world skewed fifteen feet below them. The mother white- knuckles the steering wheel in terror. The kids scream. CUT TO: Tony, trying his palm RTs. Nothing. TONY (O.S.) Emergency power! JARVIS (O.S.) Sir, you’ll drain the -- TONY (O.S.) NOW! Dynamo winds up to throw the car when Iron Man nails him with a huge Repulsor blast from his chest. Dynamo is knocked back, throwing the car at -- Iron Man, who catches it. But the weight is too much for his armor to handle and he -- Buckles, saving the car from impact, but gets trapped underneath it. CUT TO: [Tony’s HEADS-UP DISPLAY] “POWER CRITICAL: RECHARGING...” CUT TO: Inside the Volvo, it takes everyone a moment to realize they’re okay. Then, as Dynamo clumps towards them-- KID IN THE BACKSEAT GO, MOM! GO -- She stamps the gas. CUT TO: Iron Man, dragged as the Volvo speeds forward. A shower of sparks fly from his suit. A wild weaving ride. Dynamo follows, using cars as stepping stones. People flee pell-mell, jumping the highway divider. CUT TO: CONTINUED: 159 159 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 102. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S AUDI R8 - SAME TIME - NIGHT A160 A160 Rhodey driving like hell, HONKING. Tail lights flash past like tracers as he slaloms through tight traffic. CUT TO: Iron Man finally manages to push the car off him. It speeds away, three gaping Kids staring out the back. (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 102A. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Tony staggers up, trying to regain his footing as Dynamo pulls up. They clash in a CACOPHONY of steel and GRINDING HYDRAULICS. Stane knocks Tony into a mini-van and pounds him mercilessly. PEPPER (O.S.) TONY? Where are you--? CUT TO: Tony, his helmet now being squeezed by the Dynamo. PEPPER (O.S.) I’m in the control room. Now what? TONY Central panel. Red button. Press it. INTERCUT - INT. ARK REACTOR CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT 160 160 DEAFENING KLAXONS. Pepper flips open a panel to find -- A HUNDRED BUTTONS. All red. All flashing. PEPPER Thanks, Tony. TONY (O.S.) What’s the delta rate? Pepper finds the monitor. PEPPER 1-2-5-0. TONY Damn -- CONTINUED: A160 A160 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 103. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER Damn?! I don’t want to hear “damn.” GET UP HERE-- CUT TO: TONY’S H.U.D. 161 161 Cracking under Dynamo’s pressure. TONY Pepper, I’m delegating this to you. FIND A WAY! CUT TO: IRON MAN 162 162 as he finally rolls and frees himself from Dynamo. TONY You know what happens when that reactor blows. A lot of people are going to die. OBADIAH It didn’t have to end like this, Tony. You were down -- you should’ve stayed down. And they’re about to collide again when -- A Shit Kicking Biker on a Harley weaves from around a truck. He realizes his mistake and jams the throttle, but -- Dynamo grabs the front wheel of the motorbike, (sending the Biker flying), and in one swoop belts Iron Man with it. Tony tumbles away and struggles to get up. Falls, tries again, but Dynamo is all over him, smacking him with the bike. INT. TONY’S AUDI R8 - DRIVING - SAME TIME - NIGHT 163 163 Rhodey, in the breakdown lane, weaving around waves of fleeing people, toppled cars and debris till he sees -- CONTINUED: 160 160 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 104. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. Dynamo standing over Tony, about to deliver his death-blow. He red lines the engine and pops the clutch. CUT TO: EXT. HIGHWAY - SAME TIME - NIGHT 164 164 The R8 rockets forward. Zero to sixty in under three seconds. The Dynamo raises the Harley over his head, ready to smash Tony’s already broken helmet. He looks up a second too late-- The car hits Dynamo’s leg and crumples, tumbling away like a toy, and now -- The Dynamo, un-weighted, reels around to catch his balance, but pitches head-first into the hydrogen bus perforating it. [CLOSE ON - DYNAMO] struggling to free himself. His groping fingers set off a spark and -- HELLFIRE ERUPTS -- blanking the Dynamo and everything around it. Flames roll over Tony. Over the crushed sports car, igniting its leaking tanks. Tony removes his broken helmet and staggers to the car, tearing it open like a can. TONY You had to take my car. He pulls out Rhodey, dazed and bloody. RHODEY Saving your ass is getting to be a full-time job. They regard the burning bus. Nothing moves. Just a heap of red-hot steel. TONY Get this area evacuated! There’s going to be a meltdown-- Tony’s boosters ignite and he’s gone. CONTINUED: 163 163 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 105. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. TONY (O.S.) Pepper, how we doing? INT. ARK REACTOR CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT 165 165 Pepper, awash in EMERGENCY MANUALS, throws one over her shoulder -- flipping switches, turning dials. The whole place THRUMS with energy. PEPPER Thanks for checking in Tony. Delta’s at 2300. It’s not going down. TONY (O.S.) It’s too late. PEPPER Too late? What’s going to happen? TONY (O.S.) It’s going to blow a crater a mile wide. I’m coming to get you. She backs away from the monitors, disbelieving. INT. TONY’S SUIT - FLYING - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT 166 166 He heads towards the reactor, now a shimmering mass of energy. A row of SATELLITE DISHES on the roof of the reactor. It sparks an idea. TONY Pepper, wait. Stay put -- we’re going to overload the reactor. EXT. ROOF OF ARK REACTOR - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT 167 167 As Tony lands. PEPPER (O.S.) IT’S ALREADY OVERLOADING -- TONY No, it’s compressing energy. We’re going to convert the plasma core to electricity and channel it up through the roof. Like a Tesla coil. CONTINUED: 164 164 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 106. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. ARK REACTOR CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT 168 168 Pepper watches the core bulge. PEPPER I don’t need a science lesson, just tell me what button to push -- TONY (O.S.) See a red submarine hatch? A wheel -- a red wheel. PEPPER ...no. YES -- She runs to it. EXT. ARK REACTOR ROOF - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT 169 169 Tony re-arranges satellite dishes, pulling wires -- creating a makeshift Tesla coil. TONY Open it all the way, then standby to hit the master. We’ve only got one shot at this. He’s connecting a wire when the satellite dish beside him reflects an eerie yellow flicker. He turns, stunned as -- THE DYNAMO LANDS on the roof. Flames still licking off his blackened suit. Obadiah moves closer to Tony -- TONY Pepper, hit the switch. PEPPER -- INT. ARK REACTOR CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT 170 170 Electromagnetic tentacles arc from the reactor to the control room around Pepper. PEPPER TONY? Which Master Switch -- She eyes her phone. It’s dead. And in front of her -- A row of “MASTER” switches blink... (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 107. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. PEPPER I am so looking for another job. EXT. ARK REACTOR ROOF - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT 171 171 The Dynamo, smoking like an oil fire, about to reach Tony. INT. ARK REACTOR CONTROL ROOM - SAME TIME - NIGHT 172 172 Pepper hits all the switches, then diving under the consoles for cover as the world goes steel-blue. An electromagnetic pulse (EMP) flashes upwards along the reactor. EXT. ARK REACTOR ROOF - A SECOND LATER - NIGHT 173 173 As the searing flash of the EMP is momentarily ‘halted’ between the satellite dishes, vaporizing the roof in between. Then -- The EMP surges outwards, turning Dynamo and Iron Man into statues as the pulse knocks out his power and electronics. [FROM UP HIGH] the EMP blast travels concentrically outwards, rendering everything dark in its wake. BACK TO: The roof, as it sags down in the center. Tony, dazed, looks at his heart-device. It’s dead too. The Dynamo, closest to the collapsed section of the roof, topples over. Its dead fingers catch on a seam and it lies precariously on the edge of the ‘slope’. The Dynamo hatch opens, revealing Obadiah -- [OBADIAH’S POV] through the hole in the roof, the seething plasma bubbling below. Tony, using his own waning strength, tries to extend a dead Iron Man hand to Obadiah. TONY Take my hand... CONTINUED: 170 170 (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 108. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OBADIAH So this is the answer, Tony? This is how you’re going to save the world? It’s not in you. Your father told me before he died, my boy doesn’t have a warrior’s heart. I should have listened. TONY My father never knew me. OBADIAH But I do. [Now we see what Stane is attempting] to manually winch his forearm rocket bay open so he can blast Tony. But his movements unsettle the Dynamo suit and suddenly he begins to slide. OBADIAH Goodbye, my boy... TONY This is just the beginning. And now Obadiah shuts the hatch and tumbles away. He -- Plunges down through the ARK’s silo -- splashes into the plasma which HISSES and swallows him up. Tony remains, shutting his eyes. INT. ARK REACTOR - SECONDS LATER - NIGHT 174 174 Pepper rises, staring at the bubbling plasma. Not sure who fell in there. She runs out. EXT. ARK REACTOR ROOF - TEN MINUTES LATER - NIGHT A175 A175 Tony frozen in his dead suit. He’s not moving. Two flashlights cut the darkness and Tony bats his eyes to see-- Rhodey and Pepper picking their way towards him. DISSOLVE TO: CONTINUED: 173 173 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 109. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. OMITTED 175 175 OMITTED 176 176 OMITTED 177 177 OMITTED 178 178 OMITTED 179 179 OMITTED 180 180 INT. STARK INDUSTRIES - HALLWAY - MOVING - DAY 181 181 Tony and Pepper walk along the hallway. Pepper shoves a written statement into his hands. PEPPER Here, your alibi. You were on your yacht. I’ve got port papers that put you in Avalon all night, and sworn statements from fifty of your guests. TONY Maybe it was just the two of us. On the yacht, I mean. PEPPER Focus, please. Tony grabs an L.A. Times from the pile of papers in her arms, [glances at the headline] “WHO IS THE IRON MAN?” A grainy newspaper photo of the iron battle at Stark Industries. TONY “Iron Man”. Not technically accurate, since it’s mostly carbon- fiber and ceramic. But I like the ring of it. “Iron Man”... They turn a corner. Tony suddenly stops. Meets her eyes. TONY You know...that night at the concert hall. Do you ever think about it? (CONTINUED) SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 110-113. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. For a moment there is nothing else in the world but the two of them. Then, with a tinge of sadness-- PEPPER I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Stark. She brings her hands up and fixes his unruly tie knot. All business. PEPPER Will that be all, Mr. Stark? TONY That will be all Miss Potts. INT. STARK INDUSTRIES LOBBY - MINUTES LATER 182 182 Rhodey is in mid-speech, in front of assembled reporters. RHODEY --I can confirm that a series of military test-prototypes were involved in the incident at Stark Industries last night. I can also confirm that there was, for a brief time, the danger of an Ark Reactor “incident”, which was rectified without injury to the public -- and all power outages have been restored. Here now, to answer a few brief questions, is Tony Stark. Tony walks out. Takes the podium. Puts a hand up to silence the bubbling questions. TONY I’ve seen the papers. I’ve heard the reports. That’s why I want to put an end to all this wild speculation. The truth is-- He looks to Rhodey. To Pepper. To the crowd. TONY I am Iron Man. The Reporters erupt in a CACOPHONY-- We end on Tony’s face. CUE MUSIC CONTINUED: 181 181 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 111. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT. INT. TONY’S LAB - MONTHS LATER - NIGHT 183 183 Tony and Rhodey stare at a screen as the War Machine suit is being designed. RHODEY Good. And I want a Gatling gun on the right shoulder. TONY --and a rocket launcher on the left? Where are you going to store all that ammo? RHODEY Who’s suit is this anyway? (then) And do it in silver and black, would you? OMITTED 184 184 SALMON #2 XX/XX/07 112. © 2007 MARVEL STUDIOS, INC. NO DUPLICATION WITHOUT MARVEL’S WRITTEN CONSENT.

{"title": "Iron Man"}

marvel/pdunton

[Tony (V.O.)] Been a while since I was up here in front of you. Maybe I’ll do us all a favour and just stick to the cards. There’s been some speculation that I was somehow involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and on the rooftop… [Christine Everhart (V.O.)] Sorry, Mr Stark, do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that convinently appeared despite the fact that you sorely despise bodyguards? [Tony (V.O.)] Yes MOSCOW [Christine (V.O.)] And this mysterious bodyguard was somehow equipped with an undisclosed Stark high-tech powered battle… [Tony (V.O.)] I know that it’s confusing. It is one thing to question the official story and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I’m a superhero. Switch to view of a TV [Tony (on TV)] I mean, let’s face it, I’m not the heroric type. A laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I’ve made, largely public. The truth is… I am Iron Man. [Anton Vanko (Russian)] Ivan. Vanya. That should be you. [Ivan Vanko (Russian)] Don’t listen to that crap [Anton Vanko (Russian)] I’m sorry. All I can give you is my knowledge. (Anton coughs and dies. Ivan is naturally distraught. Takes a swig of vodka. Pulls out blueprints for an arc reactor. Engineering montage as opening credits roll.) IRON MAN 2 [Man (V.O)] 270 at 30 knots. Holding steady at 15000 feet. You are clear for exfiltration over the drop zone (ACDC’s Shoot to Thrill starts to play) 6 MONTHS LATER (And a picture of Iron Man with an opening door in the bottom of an aeroplane. And he jumps out said aeroplane, landing on a stage. All very ostentatious. Dancing girls. Fireworks.) STARK EXPO – FLUSHING, NEW YORK. (Dismantling Iron Man suit.) [Pretty much everyone in the crowd] Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! [Tony] It’s good to be back. You missed me? [Man in crowd] Blow something up! [Tony] I missed you too. Blow something up? I already did that. I’m not saying that the world is enjoying its longest period of uninterrupted peace in years because of me. I’m not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has a greater phoenix metaphor been personified in human history. I’m not saying that Uncle Sam can kick back on a lawn chair, sipping on an iced tea because I haven’t come across anyone who’s man enough to go toe-to-toe with me on my best day. [Woman in crowd] I love you Tony! [Tony] Please, it’s not about me. (People still cheering Tony) It’s not about you. It’s not even about us. It’s about legacy. It’s about what we choose to leave behind for future generations. And that’s why for the next year and for the first time since 1974, the best and brightest men and women of nations and corporations the world over will pool their resources, share their collective vision, to leave behind a brighter future. It’s not about us. Therefore, what I’m saying, if I’m saying anything, is welcome back to the Stark Expo. (Big cheer from crowd.) And now, making a special guest appearance from the great beyond to tell you what it’s all about, please welcome my father, Howard. [Howard Stark (on a screen, courtesy of a video recording)] Everything is achievable through technology. Better living, robust health, and for the first time in human history, the possibility of world peace. So, from all of us here at Stark Industries, I would like to personally introduce you to the City of the Future. Technology holds infinite possibilities for mankind, (Tony is off the stage, doing something. Blood toxicity test. Gives a reading of 19%. Not good) and will one day rid society of all its ills. Soon technology will affect the way you live your life every day. No more tedious work, leaving more time for leisure activities and enjoying the sweet life. The Stark Expo. Welcome. (Video ends. Cut to news feed of reporter outside.) [Reporter] We are coming to you live from the kickoff at the Stark Expo, where Tony Stark has just walked offstage. Don’t worry if you can’t make it down here tonight because this Expo goes on all year long. And I’m gonna be here checking out all the attractions and the pavilions and inventions from all around the world. [Happy Hogan] Make sure you join me… [Tony] All right, it’s a zoo out there, watch out. [Happy] Open up, let’s go. (Image is Tony trying to pass through the crowd, from Tony’s perspective.) [Tony] Hey, nice to see you. All right. Thank you. I remember you. [People] Tony, Tony [Tony] Hey, hey. [Woman] Call me. [Happy] Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. [Tony] (signing a picture of Iron Man) Hello. It would be a pleasure. [Happy] Okay [Tony] (what would be ruffling the hair of a small boy if said small boy were not wearing an Iron Man helmet making hair unreachable) See you buddy [Happy] This is Larry. [Tony] Hey, the oracle of Oracle. What a pleasure. Nice to see you. [Larry] Call me. Call me. [Happy] Larry King. [Tony] Larry! Larry. Yes, my people, my people. [Happy] (Scene shows them finally at the door) Come on, Tony. There we go. [Tony] Very mellow. [Happy] That wasn’t so bad. [Tony] No, it was perfect. [Happy] Look what we got here, the new model. [Tony] Hey, does she come with the car? [Happy] I certainly hope so. Hi. [Tony] Hi. And you are? [Woman] Marshal. [Tony] Irish. I like it. [Marshal] Pleased to meet you Tony. [Tony] I’m on the wheel. Do you mind? Where you from? [Marshal] Bedford. [Tony] What are you doing here? [Marshal] Looking for you. [Tony] Yeah? You found me. What are you up to later? [Marshal] Serving subpoenas. (Hands him a letter. Tony doesn’t take it) [Tony] Yikes. [Happy] (Reaching over and taking the letter) He doesn’t like to be handed things. [Tony] Yeah, I have a peeve. [Marshal] I got it. You are hereby ordered to appear before the Senate Armed Services Committee tomorrow morning at 9 am. [Tony] Can I see a badge? [Marshal] You wanna see the badge? [Happy] He likes the badge. [Marshal] (showing him her badge.) You still like it? [Tony] Yep. (Starts engine) How far are we from D.C.? [Happy] D.C.? 250 miles. (Drive off. Image slides over, like when you used to make Powerpoints with all the transitions. It now shows Washing D.C. You can tell because words appear saying…) WASHINGTON D.C. [Senator Stern] Mr Stark, could we pick up now where we left off? Mr Stark. Please. [Tony] (turns around from where he was trying to talk to Pepper who looks like she was trying to tell him off.) Yes dear? [Senator Stern] Can I have your attention? [Tony] Absolutely. [Stern] Do you or do you not possess a specialised weapon? [Tony] I do not. [Stern] You do not? [Tony] I do not. Well, it depends on how you define the word weapon. [Stern] The Iron Man weapon. [Tony] My device does not fit that description. [Stern] Well… How would you describe it? [Tony] I would describe it by defining it as what it is, Senator. [Stern] As? [Tony] It’s a high-tech prosthesis. That is… That is… That’s actually the most apt description I can make of it. [Stern] It’s a weapon. It’s a weapon, Mr Stark. [Tony] Please, if your priority was actually the well-being of the American citizen… [Stern] My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America. [Tony] Well, you can forget it. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron Man suit would be to turn over myself which is tantamount to indentured servitude or prostitution, depending or what state you’re in. You can’t have it. [Stern] Look, I’m no expert… [Tony] In prostitution? Of course not. You’re a senator. Come on. (People laugh. He waves. Pepper does not look impressed at all. He mouths “no?” and she shakes her head.) [Stern] I’m no expert in weapons. We have somebody here who is an expert on weapons. I’d now like to call Justin Hammer, our current primary weapons contractor. [Tony] Let the record reflect that I observed Mr Hammer entering the chamber, and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance. [Justin Hammer] Absolutely. I’m no expert. I defer to you, Anthony. You’re the wonder boy. Senator, if I may. I may well not be an expert, but you know who was the expert? Your dad. Howard Stark. Really a father to us all, and to the military-industrial age. Let’s just be clear, he was no flower child. He was a lion. We all know why we’re here. In the last six months, Anthony Stark has created a sword with untold possibilities. And yet, he insists it’s a shield. He asks us to trust him as we cower behind it. I wish I were comforted, Anthony, I really do. I’d love to leave my door unlocked when I leave the house, but this ain’t Canada. You know, we live in a world of grave threats, threats that Mr Stark will not always be able to foresee. Thank you. God bless Iron Man. God bless America. [Stern] That is well said Mr Hammer. The committee would now like to invite Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes to the chamber. [Tony] Rhodey? What? (Rhodey walks in, Tony gets up to greet him) \ [Tony] Hey, buddy. I didn’t expect to see you here. [Rhodey] Look, it’s me, I’m here. Deal with it. Let’s move on. [Tony] I just… [Rhodey] Drop it. [Tony] All right, I’ll drop it. [Stern] I have before me a complete report on the Iron Man weapon, complied by Colonel Rhodes. And, Colonel, for the record, can you please read page 57, paragraph four? [Rhodey] You’re requesting that I read specific selections from my report, Senator? [Stern] Yes, sir. [Rhodey] It was my understanding that I was going to be testifying in a much more comprehensive and detailed manner. [Stern] I understand. A lot of things have changed today. So if you could just read… [Rhodey] You do understand that reading a single paragraph out of context does not reflect the summery of my final… [Stern] Just read it, Colonel. I do. Thank you. [Rhodey] Very well. “As he does not operate within any definable branch of government, Iron Man presents a potential threat to the security of both the nation and to her interests.” I did however, go on to summarise that the benefits of Iron Man far outweigh three liabilities and that it would be in our interest… [Stern] That’s enough Colonel [Rhodey] …to fold Mr Stark… [Stern] That’s enough [Rhodey] …into the existing chain of command, Senator. [Tony] I’m not a joiner, but I’ll consider Secretary of Defence, if you ask nice. (Laughs from crowd.) [Tony] We can amend the hours a little bit. [Stern] I’d like to go on and show, if I may, the imagery that’s connected to your report. [Rhodey] I believe it is somewhat premature to reveal these images to the general public at this time. [Stern] With all due respect, Colonel, I understand. And if you could just narrate those for us, we’d be very grateful. Let’s have the images. [Rhodey] Intelligence suggests that the devices seen in these photos are, in fact, attempts at making manned copies of Mr Stark’s suit. This has been corroborated by our allies and local intelligence on the ground… (Tony is doing something on a Stark device) [Rhodey] … indicating that these suits are quite possibly, at this moment, operational. [Tony] Hold on a second buddy. Let me see something here. (Sets up his device to connect with the screen showing the pictures.) Boy, I’m good. I commandeered your screens. I need them. Time for a little transparency. Now, let’s see what’s really going on. [Stern] What is he doing? [Tony] If you will direct your attention to said screens, I believe that’s North Korea. (Video of a suit. It falls over and clearly doesn’t work very well at all.) [Stern] Can you turn that off? Take it off. (Justin Hammer stands up) [Tony] Iran. (This suit can fly. For all of five seconds before crashing, judging by the smoke, probably on fire. Justin is by the screen, trying to find the off switch.) [Tony] No grave threat here. Is that Justin Hammer? How did Hammer get in the game? (Yep, it’s a video of Justin Hammer. With a suit. Again that really doesn’t work.) [Tony] Justin, you’re on TV. Focus up. [TV Justin] Okay, give me a left twist. Left’s good. Turn to the right. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. (Language Justin) [Tony] (Just as not-TV Justin finds the plug and unplugs the screen) Wow. Yeah, I’d say most countries, five, ten years away. Hammer Industries, twenty. [Justin] I’d like to point out that that test pilot survived. [Stern] I think we’re done is the point that he’s making. I don’t think there’s any reason… [Tony] The point is, you’re welcome, I guess [Stern] For what? [Tony] Because I’m your nuclear deterrent. It’s working. We’re safe. America is secure. You want my property? You can’t have it. But I did you a big favour. (Stands up and turns around to face the crowd) [Tony] I’ve successfully privatised world peace. (Both hands make peace signs and everyone stands up, all talking at once) [Tony] What more do you want? For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns. [Stern] (beep) you, Mr Stark. (beep) you, buddy. We’re adjourned. We’re adjourned for today. [Tony] (puts on sunglasses. Rhodey’s still sitting down and has the same look on his face as Pepper did. Basically, they’re both tired of Tony not taking serious things seriously) Okay. [Stern] You’ve been a delight. (Kind of scene change. It’s now on a television on a Russian news channel with Russian dubbing. Because it’s a film where the selected language is English, we can still here the English clearer than the Russian. We’re back to Ivan.) [Tony (on TV)] My bond is with the people. And I will serve this great nation at the pleasure of myself. If there’s one thing I’ve proven it’s that you can count on me to pleasure myself. (Ivan is still working. There’s things going blue. It works. It’s not a full suit, but it does now look like he has whips made of lightning. Scene change. Tony’s house. He’s in his workshop. Pans in from across the ocean) MALIBU, CALIFORNIA [Tony] Wake up, Daddy’s home. [Jarvis (V.O., A.I)] Welcome home, sir. Congratulations on the opening ceremonies. They were such a success, as was your Senate hearing. And may I say how refreshing it is to finally see you in a video with your clothing on, sir. (One of the robots is trying to make a smoothie. Without a blender lid) [Tony] You! (You knocks over the blender. Well, he tried.) [Tony] I swear to God I’ll dismantle you. I’ll soak your motherboard. I’ll turn you into a wine rack. (You looks down, sad.) [Tony] How many ounce a day of this gobbledegook am I supposed to drink? [Jarvis] We are up to 80 ounces a day to counteract the symptoms, sir. (Tony downs green liquid) [Tony] Check palladium levels. (Using the same machine as before) [Jarvis] Blood toxicity, 24%. It appears that the continued use of the Iron Man suit is accelerating your condition. Another core has been depleted. [Tony] (Takes Arc Reactor out of chest. The core pops out, rusted and slightly smoking.) God, they’re running out quick. [Jarvis] I have run simulations on every known element, and none can serve as a viable replacement for the palladium core. (Tony inputs a new core. It’s silver, giving a judgment of just how badly damaged the other one was. Replaces Arc Reactor in chest.) [Jarvis] You are running out of both time and options. Unfortunately, the device that’s keeping you alive is also killing you. (Which we can see from the image of Tony’s chest on the computer screen. There’s blue lines all around the Arc Reactor. Camera angle shifts to focus on his actual chest.) [Jarvis] Miss Potts is approaching. I recommend that you inform her… [Tony] Mute. (Shirt back down, computers switched to screen saver, Pepper inputs a code and opens the door) [Pepper] Is this a joke? What are you thinking? [Tony] What? [Pepper] What are you thinking? [Tony] Hey, I’m thinking I’m busy. And you’re angry about something. Do you have the sniffles? I don’t want to get sick. [Pepper] Did you just donate… [Tony] Keep your business. (Both walking around the room) [Pepper] …our entire modern art collection to the… [Tony] Boy Scouts of America. [Pepper] …Boy Scouts of America? [Tony] Yes. It is a worthwhile organisation. I didn’t physically check the crates but, basically, yes. And it’s not “our” collection, it’s my collection. No offence. [Pepper] No, you know what? I think I’m actually entitled to say “our” collection considering the time that I put in, over 10 years, curating that. [Tony] It was a tax write-off. I needed that. [Pepper] You know, there’s only about 8,011 things that I really need to talk to you about. [Tony] (to another robot) Dummy. Hey, stop spacing out. The Bridgeport’s already machining that part. [Pepper] The Expo is a gigantic waste of time. [Tony] I need you to wear a surgical mask until you’re feeling better. Is that okay? [Pepper] That’s rude. [Tony] There’s nothing more important to me than the Expo. It’s my primary point of concern. I don’t know why you’re… [Pepper] The Expo is your ego gone crazy. [Tony] (Picking up a painting. Of Iron Man) Wow. Look at that. That’s modern art. That’s going up. [Pepper] You’ve got to be kidding. [Tony] I’m gonna put this up right now. This is vital. [Pepper] Stark is in complete disarray. You understand that? [Tony] No. Our stocks have never been higher. [Pepper] Yes, from a managerial standpoint. [Tony] You are… Well, if’s messy then let’s double back. [Pepper] Let me give you an example. [Tony] Let’s move onto another subject. [Pepper] No, no, no, no. You are not taking down the Barnett Newman and hanging that up. [Tony] I’m not taking it down. I’m just replacing it with this. (Tony is now stood on a desk about to take down the Barnett Newman to put the Iron Man picture up). [Tony] Let’s see what I can get going on here. [Pepper] Okay, fine. My point is, we have already awarded contracts to the wind farm people. [Tony] Yeah. Don’t say “wind farm.” I’m already feeling gassy. [Pepper] And to the plastic plantation tree, which was your idea by the way. Those people are on payroll… [Tony] Everything was my idea. [Pepper] …and you won’t make a decision. [Tony] I don’t care about the liberal agenda any more. It’s boring. Boring. I’m giving you a boring alert. (Jumps off desk) You do it. [Pepper] I do what? [Tony] Excellent idea. I just figured this out. You run the company. [Pepper] Yeah, I’m trying to run the company. [Tony] Pepper, I need you to run the company. Well, stop trying to do it and do it. [Pepper] You will not give me the information… [Tony] I’m not asking you to try… [Pepper] …in order to… [Tony] I’m asking you to physically do it. I need you to do it. [Pepper] I am trying to do it. [Tony] Pepper, you’re not listening to me! [Pepper] No, you are not listening to me. [Tony] I’m trying to make you CEO. Why won’t you let me? [Pepper] Have you been drinking? [Tony] Chlorophyll. I hereby irrevocably appoint you chairman and CEO of Stark Industries effective immediately. Yeah, done deal. Okay? I’ve actually given this a fair amount of thought, believe it or not. (One of the robots brings him a tray which a bottle and glasses on it) Doing a bit of headhunting, so to speak, trying to figure out who a worthy successor would be. And then I realised it’s you. It’s always been you. (Pours champagne. Pepper sits down, shocked and confused). I thought there’d be a legal issue, but actually I’m capable of appointing my successor. My successor being you. (Hands her a glass. She doesn’t take it.) Congratulations? Take it, just take it. [Pepper] I don’t know what to think. [Tony] Don’t think, drink. There you go. (They tap glasses and drink) (We’re back in Russia. A man hands Ivan a letter down a twitten, out of sight. It contains a fake passport and a ticket. Another scene change. Tony and Happy are boxing. Pepper walks in.) [Pepper] The notary’s here! Can you please come sign the transfer paperwork? [Tony] I’m on happy time. (Tony hits Happy in the face with his elbow) Sorry. [Happy] What the hell was that? [Tony] It’s called mixed martial arts. It’s been around for three weeks. [Happy] It’s called dirty boxing, there’s nothing new about it [Tony] All right, put them up. Come on. (The Notary walks in. Both Happy and Tony’s attention shifts to her) [Pepper] I promise this is the only time I will ask you to sign over your company. [Notary] I need you to initial each box. [Happy] (Taps Tony on the back of the head with a light punch, not enough to hurt him) Lesson one. Never take your eye off… (Tony kicks him and he goes crashing into the corner of the ring. Camera angle shifts to Pepper and the Notary and clangs are heard.) [Tony] That’s it. I’m done. What’s your name, lady? [Notary] Rushman. Natalie Rushman (So we shall now refer to the Notary as Natalie) [Tony] Front and centre. Come into the church. [Pepper] No. You’re seriously not gonna ask… [Tony] If it pleases the court, which it does. [Natalie] (To Pepper) It’s no problem. [Pepper] (To Natalie) I’m sorry. He’s very eccentric. (Natalie enters ring. Tony swigs down more green liquid out of a bottle) [Tony] Can you give her a lesson? [Happy] No problem. [Tony] (Steps out of ring and towards Pepper) Pepper. [Pepper] What? [Tony] (Sitting down next to Pepper) Who is she? [Pepper] She is from legal. And she is potentially a very expensive sexual harassment lawsuit if you keep ogling her like that. [Tony] I need a new assistant, boss. [Pepper] Yes, and I’ve got three excellent potential candidates. They’re lined up and ready to meet you. [Tony] I don’t have time to meet. I need someone now. I feel like it’s her. [Pepper] No, it’s not. [Happy] You ever boxed before? [Natalie] I have, yes. [Happy] What, like, the Tae Bo? Booty Boot Camp? Crunch? Something like that? (Natalie’s face shows brief annoyance at his statement before Tony distracts her) [Tony] How do I spell your name, Natalie? [Natalie] R-U-S-H-M-A-N. [Pepper] What, are you gonna google her now? [Tony] I thought I was ogling her. (Brings up Natalie’s file on table which doubles up as a computer. He has computers on everything.) Wow. Very, very impressive individual. [Pepper] You’re so predictable, you know that? [Tony] She’s fluent in French, Italian, Russian, Latin. Who speaks Latin? [Pepper] No one speaks Latin. [Tony] No one speaks Latin [Pepper] It’s a dead language. You can read Latin or you can write Latin, but you can’t speak Latin. [Tony] Did you model in Tokyo? ‘Cause she modelled in Tokyo. [Pepper] Well… [Tony] I need her. She’s got everything that I need. (Camera is now on Natalie and Happy, Natalie looking over, hearing what Tony is saying) [Happy] Rule number one, never take your eyes off your opponent. (He goes to take a swing, she grabs his hand and flips him over, legs over his head.) [Pepper] Oh, my God! Happy. [Tony] That’s what I’m talking about. [Happy] I just slipped. [Tony] You did? [Happy] (Who looks a little like he’s in pain) Yeah. [Tony] Looks like a TKO to me. (Rings the bell and Natalie leaves the ring) [Natalie] Just… I need your impression. [Tony] You have a quiet reserve. I don’t know, you have an old soul. [Natalie] I meant your fingerprint. [Tony] Right. [Pepper] So, how are we doing? [Tony] Great. Just wrapping up here. Hey. You’re the boss. [Natalie] Will that be all, Mr Stark? [Tony] No. [Pepper] Yes, that will be all, Ms Rushman. Thank you very much. (She leaves. Tony turns to Pepper) [Tony] I want one. [Pepper] No. (News report is heard. In French. It’s about the Grand Prix. Tony, Pepper and Happy are seen leaving a car and walking into a building. Happy is carrying a red suitcase) [Tony] You know, it’s Europe. Whatever happens the next 20 minutes, just go with it. [Pepper] Go with it? Go with what? [Natalie] Mr Stark? [Tony] Hey. [Natalie] Hello. How was your flight? [Tony] It was excellent. Boy, it’s nice to see you. [Natalie] We have one photographer from the ACM, if you don’t mind. Okay? [Pepper] When did this happen? [Tony] What? You made me do it. [Pepper] I made you do what? [Tony] You quit. Smile. Look, right there. Stop acting constipated. Don’t flare your nostrils. [Pepper] You are so predictable. [Tony] That’s the amazing thing. [Natalie] Right this way. [Tony] You look fantastic. [Natalie] Why, thank you very much. [Tony] But that’s unprofessional. What’s on the docket? [Natalie] You have a 9:30 dinner. [Tony] Perfect. I’ll be there at 11:00. [Natalie] Absolutely. [Tony] Is this us? [Natalie] It can be. [Tony] Great. Make it us. [Natalie] Okay. [Pepper] Mr Musk. How are you? [Mr Musk] Hi, Pepper. Congratulations on the promotion. [Pepper] Thank you very much. [Tony] Elon, how’s it going. Those Merlin engines are fantastic. [Mr Musk] Thank you. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for an electric jet. [Tony] You do? [Mr Musk] Yeah. [Tony] Then we’ll make it work. (To Pepper as they walk) You want a massage? [Pepper] Oh, God. No. I don’t want a massage. [Tony] I’ll have Natalie make an… [Pepper] I don’t want Natalie to do… [Tony] Don’t want you tense. By the way, I didn’t mean to spring this on you. [Pepper] Thank you very much. [Tony] Green is not your best colour. (Justin’s head appears from behind someone) [Pepper] Oh, please. [Justin] Anthony. Is that you? [Tony] (To Pepper) My least favourite person on Earth. [Justin] Hey, pal. [Tony] Justin Hammer. [Justin] How you doing? You’re not the only rich guy here with a fancy car. You know Christine Everhart from Vanity Fair. You guys know each other? (She appears.) [Christine] Hi. Yes. [Pepper] Yes. [Tony] Yes, roughly. [Pepper] We do. [Justin] BTW, big story. The new CEO of Stark Industries. [Christine] I know, I know. [Justin] Congratulations. [Christine] My editor will kill me if I don’t grab a quote for our Powerful Women issue. [Pepper] Oh. [Christine] Can I? [Pepper] Sure. [Justin] She’s actually doing a big spread on me for Vanity Fair. I thought I’d throw her a bone, you know. Right? [Pepper] Right. Well, she did quite a spread on Tony last year. [Tony] And she wrote a story as well. [Pepper] It was very impressive. [Tony] That was good. [Pepper] It was very well done. [Christine] Thank you. [Pepper] I’m gonna go wash. [Tony] Don’t leave me. [Justin] Hey, buddy. How you doing? [Tony] I’m all right. [Justin] Looking gorgeous. [Tony] Please, this is tough. [Christine] Can I ask you… Is this the first time… [Justin] (Posing for a camera while Tony replaces sunglasses and tries to escape) Fromage (French for cheese. That bit did have a subtitle) Say “Brie”. [Christine] …that you guys have seen each other? [Tony] God, that’s so awful. [Christine] Listen, is it the first time you’ve seen each other since the Senate? [Tony] Since he got his contract revoked… [Justin] Actually, it’s on hold. [Tony] …when you were attempting to…That’s not what I heard. What’s the difference between “hold and “cancelled”? The truth? [Christine] Yes, what is it? [Justin] No. The truth is… Why don’t we put that away? The truth is, I’m actually hoping to present something at your Expo. [Tony] Well, if you invent something that works, I’ll make sure I get you a slot. [Natalie] Mr Stark? [Tony] Yes? [Natalie] Your corner table is ready. [Justin] I actually have a slot this year. Yes, I do. [Tony] Hammer needs a slot, Christine. [Justin] We kid, yeah. We kid. We’re kidders. (Tony is doing another test. It reads Blood toxicity 53%. He’s in a bathroom.) [Tony] (In the mirror) Got any other bad ideas? (And now he’s in a racing suit, jumping over the barrier towards a car.) [Justin] (Still inside, talking to Christine.) Tony and I… Tony… I love Tony Stark. Tony loves me. We’re not competitors. Him being out of the picture created tremendous opportunities for Hammer Industries, you know? Everything that Tony and I do… [Tony (on TV behind Justin)] Well, what’s the use of having… [Justin] …is a healthy… [Tony] …and owning a race car… [Justin] …competition. [Tony] …if you don’t drive it? [Justin] Is he driving? (Camera shift to Pepper sitting at her table, probably waiting for Tony. She notices the television.) [Pepper] Natalie. Natalie! [Natalie] Yes, Ms Potts? [Pepper] What do you know about this? [Natalie] This is the first that I have known of it. [Pepper] This, this cannot happen. [Natalie] Absolutely. I understand. How can I help you? [Pepper] Where’s Happy? [Natalie] He’s waiting outside. [Pepper] Okay, get him. I need Happy. [Natalie] Right away. [Justin] Tony’s… You know, he… We’re not competitive. You know what I mean? [Christine] Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, can you excuse me just one second? [Justin] Just read me what you wrote. [Christine] I will. I will, after. [Justin] Just read it back to me. [Christine] But I have to make one quick phone call. [Justin] Where are you going? [Christine] This is great. [Justin] I’ve got some caviar coming. [Christine] This is great stuff. I’ll be right back. [Someone in background] Look! That’s Stark. (And engines revving, set, go! The race takes off. A man dressed in orange as pit crew walks beside the track. He looks familiar. Tony’s surprisingly not bad at this race car driving. Orange man is on the track. Oh look, it’s Ivan. More French words. I got a “Mon Dieu” I think. The lightning whips strike a car. Pepper looks terrified. For Tony. Another “Mon Dieu” from the French commentator. Means “My God” by the way. Happy appears at the door and holds up the briefcase. Pepper goes with him to the car and gets in the back.) [Pepper] Go, go. [Happy] Hang on. (Crashes through a barrier onto the track heading the opposite way to the race cars. Tony’s car gets hit and he goes flying, loosing the front. Ivan heads forward. Another car gets hit. Bit of fire. Dripping petrol. Never a good sign.) [Pepper] Give me the case. [Happy] Here, take it. [Pepper] Where’s the key? [Happy] It’s in my pocket. [Pepper] Car! (Ivan slices more of Tony’s car, but he’s gone. Tony comes up from behind him and whacks him around the head with a sheet of metal. Fighting. Tony is knocked on the floor. Sees dripping petrol. Ivan begins to swings the whips. Tony moves, hits petrol and the car bursts into flames. Happy appears, driving and runs Ivan into the fence. Tony is up the fence) [Tony] Are you okay? [Happy] Yeah. [Tony] Were you heading from me or him? [Happy] I was trying to scare him. [Tony] ‘Cause I can’t tell! [Pepper] Are you out of your mind? [Tony] Better security. [Pepper] Get in the car right now! [Tony] I was attacked. We need better security. [Happy] Get in the car. [Tony] You’re CEO. Better security measures. God, it’s embarrassing. (Ivan’s head moves. Tony opens the door) First vacation in two years. (And Ivan slices the door in half. Darn it Ivan, it’s a Rolls, be nicer to her) [Pepper] Oh my God! (Happy reverses a bit and runs into Ivan again.) [Happy] I got him! [Tony] Hit him again. Hit him again. Football. [Happy] I got him. [Pepper] Take the case! Take it! [Tony] Give him the case! [Pepper] Stop banging the car! (Out comes the airbag and Ivan slices the car in half. He continues to slice at the car) [Tony] Calm down. [Pepper] God. God. [Tony] Give me the case! Please! Come on! (Pepper throws the case, Tony stand on it and it turns into the Iron Man Suit! A fight begins. Which involves more damage to the car and damage to the Iron Man suit. Tony rips out the Arc Reactor, shutting off Ivan’s suit.) [Ivan] (Being taken away by the police) You… You lose. You lose Stark. (Justin smiles.) (Scene change. In a prison.) [Police officer (French)] We ran his prints. We got nothing back, not even a name. [Tony (French)] Where are we going? [Police Officer (French)] Over there. We’re not even sure he speaks English. He hasn’t said a word since he got here. [Tony (French)] Five minutes. [Police officer (French)] (opening door) Five minutes. {Door is shut behind Tony.) [Tony] Pretty decent tech. Cycles per second were a little low. You could have doubled up your rotations. You focused the repulsor energy through ionised plasma channels. It’s effective. Not very efficient. But it’s a passable knock-off. I don’t get it. A little fine tuning you could have made a solid pay check. You could have sold it to North Korea, China, Iran, or gone onto the black market. You look like you got friends in low places. [Ivan] You come from a family of thieves and butchers. And now, like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your own history. And you forget all the lives the Stark family has destroyed. [Tony] Speaking of thieves, where did you get this design? [Ivan] My father. Anton Vanko. [Tony] Well, I never heard of him. [Ivan] My father is the reason you’re alive. [Tony] The reason I’m alive is ‘cause you had a shot, you took it, you missed. [Ivan] Did I? If you can make God bleed, the people will cease to believe in him. And there will be blood in the water. And the sharks will come. The truth, all I have to do is sit here and watch as the world will consume you. [Tony] Where will you be watching the world consume me from? That’s right. A prison cell. I’ll send you a bar of soap. (He gets up to leave) [Ivan] Hey, Tony. Before you go, palladium in the chest, painful way to die. (Tony leaves the cell) (Scene change. On Tony’s private aeroplane. Stern is on the television) [Stern] It’s just unbelievable. It proves that the genie is out of the bottle and this man has no idea what he’s doing. He thinks of the Iron Man weapon as a toy. I was at a hearing where Mr Stark, in fact, was adamant that these suits can’t exist anywhere else, don’t exist anywhere else, never will exist anywhere else, at least for five to ten years, and here we are in Monaco realising, “These suits exist now.” [Tony] Mute. He should be giving me a medal. That’s the truth. [Pepper] What is that? [Tony] This is your in-flight meal. [Pepper] Did you just make that? [Tony] Yeah. Where do you think I’ve been for three hours? [Pepper] Tony, what are you not telling me? [Tony] I don’t want to go home. At all. Let’s cancel my birthday party and… We’re in Europe. Let’s go to Venice, Cipriani. Remember? [Pepper] Oh, yes. [Tony] It’s a great place to be healthy. [Pepper] I don’t think this is the right time. We’re in kind of a mess. [Tony] Yeah, but maybe that’s why it’s the best time. ‘Cause then we can… [Pepper] Well, I think as the CEO I need to show up. [Tony] As CEO, you are entitled to a leave. [Pepper] A leave? [Tony] A company retreat. [Pepper] A retreat? During a time like this? [Tony] Just a ride. Well, I’m just saying, to recharge our batteries and figure it all out. [Pepper] Not everybody runs on batteries Tony. (Ivan is in a cell. A guard drops of food. Someone’s left a note about enjoying the potatoes. That would be easier if they were potatoes and not an explosive. A man enters, dressed like Ivan, down to the number. Ivan escapes. More French shouting. There was defiantly an “allez” in there. Ivan gets knocked out. He awakens somewhere else) [Justin] Hey. There he is. There he is. What an absolute pleasure. Welcome. Oh goodness gracious. Can we get the handcuffs off my friend here? Forgive me, I’m sorry. I’m such a huge fan of yours. I didn’t want to make a first impression like this. He’s not an animal. Come on. He’s a human being. Thank you. We’re fine. My name is Justin Hammer. I’d like to do some business with you. Please sit. Dig in. What do we have today Jack? [Jack] We have some salmon carpaccio. [Justin] Salmon carpaccio. Anything you want here, we got it. I like my dessert first. I had this flown in from San Francisco. It’s Italian though. Organic ice cream. I got a sweet tooth. Apparently you do too, for Tony Stark. What I saw you do to Tony Stark on that track, how you stepped up to him in front of God and everybody that was… Wow. You spoke to me with what you did. And I know that you knew that I’d be listening. This is why I couldn’t bear to have you shipped off to God knows where. It would have been such a waste of talent. But if I might make a suggestion, you know, you don’t just go and try to kill the guy. I think, if I may, you go after his legacy. That’s what you kill. You and me, we are a lot alike in a lot of ways. The only difference between you and I is that I have resources. I think, if I may, you need my resources. Someone behind you, a benefactor. I’d like to be that guy. [Ivan] (Russian; no subs unintelligible) [Justin] Okay. Do you speak English? Because I can get a translator. I don’t know. Have you been understanding everything I’m saying? [Ivan] Very good, man. [Justin] Very good, man. [Ivan] Very good, man. [Justin] Hey! [Ivan] (clinking bottle with Justin’s glass) Hey. [Justin] Yes? [Ivan] I want my bird. [Justin] A bird? You want a bird? [Ivan] I want my bird. [Justin] I can get you a bird. I can get you ten birds. [Ivan] I want my bird. [Justin] Well, okay. Nothing’s impossible. I could… Are we talking about… Is this a bird back in Russia? (Scene change. Pepper and Natalie are back in Malibu.) [Pepper] (on phone) Yes, but the fundamentals of the company are still very, very strong despite the events in Monaco. [Natalie] (also on phone. But a different phone) Yes, of course. (To Pepper) The AP wants a quote. [Pepper] (covers speaker) Don’t tell them. Fax them… [Rhodey] (entering) Where is he? [Natalie] He doesn’t want to be disturbed. [Pepper] He’s downstairs. [News reader (on television)] But what happened in Monaco? [Pepper] Yes, but…. [News reader] But his continuing erratic behaviour may lead many people to ask themselves, “Can this man still protect us?” [Pepper] Iron Man never stopped protecting us. The events in Monaco proved that. (Scene change. Tony is sitting in a car in his workshop looking at holograms.) [JARVIS] Query complete sir. Anton Vanko was a Soviet physicist who defected to the United States in 1963.However, he was accused of espionage and was deported in 1967. His son, Ivan, who is also a physicist, was convicted of selling Soviet-era weapons grade plutonium to Pakistan, and served 15 years in Kopeisk prison. No further records exist. (Rhodey enters) [Rhodey] Tony, you gotta get upstairs and get on top of this situation right now. Listen. I’ve been on the phone with the National Guard all day, trying to talk them out of rolling tanks up the PCH, knocking down your front door and taking these. They’re gonna take your suits, Tony, okay? They’re sick of the games. You said nobody else would possess this technology for 20 years. Well, guess what? Somebody else had it yesterday. It’s not theoretical anymore. Are you listening to me? Are you okay? [Tony] Let’s go. (Gets out the car. And falls.) [Rhodey] Hey, man. Hey, hey! You all right? [Tony] Yeah, I should get to my desk. (Rhodey supports him) See that cigar box? [Rhodey] Yeah. [Tony] It’s palladium. [Rhodey] (Tony removes Arc Reactor) Is that supposed to be smoking? [Tony] If you must know, it’s neutron damage. It’s from the reactor wall. [Rhodey] You had this in your body? And how about the high-tech crossword puzzle on your neck? [Tony] Road rash. Thank you. (Replaces Arc Reactor and starts drinking green liquid again.) What are you looking at? [Rhodey] I’m looking at you. You wanna do this whole lone gunslinger act and it’s unnecessary. You don’t have to do this alone. [Tony] You know, I wish I could believe that. I really do. But you’ve gotta trust me. Contrary to popular belief, I know exactly what I’m doing. QUEENS, NEW YORK. [Justin] This is where we do it. This is my humble abode. You can work in absolute peace. Must be fun to be dead, right? No pressure. Here they are. I’m very excited. They’re combat-ready. I may have done a few miscalculations and rushed the prototype into production. Sue me, I’m enthusiastic. Go ahead, take a look around. (Ivan puts on glasses and heads towards a computer) You don’t wanna do that. You’ll be able to access that as soon as we generate some encrypted pass codes. Can we generate some encrypted pass codes? Get some of those encrypted pass codes, Jack. Never mind, I… Wow. Okay. Good stuff. [Ivan] (Something Russian) unintelligible [Justin] Sorry? [Ivan] Software shit. [Justin] Well… You’re good. You really blasted in past the firewall there. Let me show you where you’re gonna be working primarily. Go ahead, take a look. Get a good look at that. That’s something, isn’t it? You know, those are really just for show and tell. They’re $125.7 million a pop, so… Wait! (Ivan pulls off one’s head) Oh gosh. Jesus Christ. Get somebody up here. That’s where the pilot goes. I’m having a tough time finding volunteers. I’ll take care of that, just leave it. [Ivan] What you want them do? [Justin] Well, long term, I want them to put me in the Pentagon for the next 25 years. I want to make Iron Man look like an antique. I wanna go to that Stark Expo, I wanna take a dump in Tony Stark’s front yard. You know what I’m talking about? [Ivan] I can do that. No problem. [Justin] Yeah? Hey, fabulous! I love it. Hey, this is our guy. Didn’t I tell you? I had a feeling. (Tony’s rash on his chest is getting worse. Natalie enters.) [Natalie] Do you know which watch you’d like to wear tonight, Mr Stark? [Tony] I’ll give them a look. I should cancel the party. [Natalie] Probably. [Tony] Yeah. ‘Cause it’s… [Natalie] Ill-timed. [Tony] Right, sends the wrong message. [Natalie] Inappropriate. (Tony drinks a bit of his drink that Natalie hands him) Is that dirty enough for you? [Tony] Gold face, brown hand. The Jaeger. I’ll give that a look. Bring them over. (Natalie hands him the box of watches) I’ll take that. Why don’t you… (She sits, smiles softly and starts helping him cover his bruise) I gotta say it. It’s hard to get a read on you. Where are you from? [Natalie] Legal. [Tony] Can I ask you a question, hypothetically? Bit odd. If this was your last birthday party you were ever gonna have, how would you celebrate it? [Natalie] I’d do whatever I wanted to do with whoever I wanted to do it with. (She leaves Tony finishes his drink. Scene change. He’s now drunk, by a DJ, dancing in the suit. Cars pull up outside) [Person] Good evening [Person] Good evening [Rhodey] Yes, sir, I understand. No. No, sir, that will not be necessary. I’ll handle it. Sir, I personally guarantee that within 24 hours, Iron Man will be back on watch. (Enters party) Hey Pepper. [Pepper] I’m going to get some air. [Rhodey] What’s wrong? [Pepper] (Showing Rhodey Tony) I don’t know what to do. [Rhodey] You gotta be kidding me. (Tony falls over, drunk) That’s it, I’m making…. [Pepper] No, no, no. Don’t call anyone. [Rhodey] Pepper. This is ridiculous. I just stuck my neck out for this guy. [Pepper] I know. I know. I get it. I’m gonna handle it, okay Just let me handle it. [Rhodey] Handle it. Or I’m gonna have to. [Tony] (To crowd) You know, the question I get asked most often is, “Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in the suit?” Just like that. (Cheering. Pepper walks up to him) [Pepper] Does this guy know how to throw a party or what? [Tony] I love you. [Pepper] Unbelievable! Thank you so much. Tony, we all thank you so much for such a wonderful night. And we’re gonna say good night now, and thank you all for coming. [Tony] No, no, no, we can’t … Wait, wait, wait. We didn’t have the cake. We didn’t blow out the candles. [Pepper] You’re out of control, okay? Trust me on this, okay? [Tony] You’re out of control gorgeous. [Pepper] It’s time to go to bed. It’s time. [Tony] Give me another smooch [Pepper] You’re not going to be happy about this. [Tony] Come on, you know you want to. [Pepper] You just peed in the suit. [Tony] I know. It has a filtration system. [Pepper] It’s not sexy. [Tony] You could drink that water. [Pepper] Just send everybody home, okay? It’s time to… [Tony] If you say so. [Pepper] Okay. I’ll take this, you take that (exchanges microphone for bottle) [Tony] Pepper Potts. She’s right. The party’s over. Then again, the party was over for me, like, an hour and a half ago. The after-party starts in 15 minutes. And if anybody, Pepper, doesn’t like it, there’s the door. (accidently shoots it with the suit.) Yeah! (Girl throws bottle it the air) Hit! (Rhodey leaves as he shoots it) Pull! (Rhodey goes downstairs. Drunk girl is still throwing things for Tony to shoot. Rhodey gets into one of the suits. Another girl appears with a watermelon) I think she wants the Gallagher! [Rhodey] (In full suit) I’m only gonna say this once. Get out. (Helmet slips down. Everybody leaves.) You don’t deserve to wear one of these. Shut it down! [Tony] (To DJ) Goldstein. [Goldstein] Yes, Mr Stark? [Tony] Give me a phat beat to beat my buddy’s ass to. (Laughs. Another One Bites the Dust by Queen starts to play.) [Rhodey] (Grabbing hold on Tony from behind) I told you to shut it down. (Tony takes off backwards) [Tony] Now, put that thing back where you found it before someone gets hurt. (Rhodey throws things at him) Really? (Tony hits him with a set of weights) Sorry, pal, but Iron Man doesn’t have a sidekick. [Rhodey] (Hitting Tony with a pipe) Sidekick this. (Tony goes up throw the ceiling.) Had enough? (Quick camera angle shift) [Pepper] Natalie! [Natalie] Miss Potts. [Pepper] Don’t you “Miss Potts” me! I’m on to you. You know what? Ever since you came here… (Tony and Rhodey come crashing through the ceiling) [Happy] Pepper! (Runs in to get her out of the way) Get out of here. Get out of here now. (Natalie heads off somewhere.) [Tony] You want it? Take it! (Beats Rhodey and turns to growl at crowd, who run off. Rhodey gets back up) [Rhodey] Put you hand down. [Tony] You think you got what it takes to wear that suit? [Rhodey] We don’t have to do this, Tony. [Tony] You wanna be the War Machine, take your shot. [Rhodey] Put it down! [Tony] You gonna take a shot? [Rhodey] Put it down! [Tony] No! [Rhodey] Drop it Tony! [Tony] Take it! (Their blasts meet and there goes Tony’s house. Both of them are knocked backwards. Tony looks around and sees Rhodey take off in the suit.) EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE MOJAVE, CA [Rhodey] Edwards Tower, this is Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes, inbound from three miles east at 5,000 feet… (Rhodey lands in suit.) [Major Allen] Colonel. [Rhodey] Major. [Major Allen] Wow. [Rhodey] Yeah. Let’s take it inside. [Major Allen] Clear the area. (Scene change. Tony is sitting inside a doughnut, eating a doughnut. Pans out to see Nick Fury looking up at him.) [Nick Fury] Sir! I’m gonna have to ask you to exit the doughnut. [Tony] (Now inside sitting at a table with Fury) I told you I don’t wanna join your super-secret boy band. [Fury] No, no, no. See, I remember, you do everything yourself. How’s that working out for you? [Tony] It’s… It’s… It’s… I’m sorry. I don’t wanna get off on the wrong foot. Do I look at the patch or the eye? Honestly I’m a bit hung over. I’m not sure if you’re real of if I’m having… [Fury] I am very real. I’m the realest person you’re ever gonna meet. [Tony] Just my luck. Where’s the staff here? [Fury] That’s not looking so good. [Tony] I’ve been worse. (A woman walks over. Camera angle is such that you can’t see her face.) [SHIELD agent] We’ve secured the perimeter but I don’t think we should hold it for too much longer. [Tony] (Looks over top of glasses. Sees Natalie.) You’re fired. [Natalie] That’s not up to you. (Sits down next to Fury) [Fury] Tony, I want you to meet Agent Romanoff. [Tony] Hi. [Natalie/Agent Romanoff] I’m a SHIELD shadow. Once we knew you were ill, I was tasked to you by Director Fury. [Tony] I suggest you apologise. [Fury] You’ve been very busy. You made your girl your CEO, you’re giving away all your stuff. You let your friend fly away with your suit. Now, if I didn’t know better… [Tony] You don’t know better. I didn’t give it to him. He took it. [Fury] Whoa, whoa, whoa. He took it? You’re Iron Man and he just took it? The little brother walked in there, kicked your ass and took your suit? (Turns to Agent Romanoff) Is that possible? [Agent Romanoff] Well, according to Mr Stark’s database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorised usage. [Tony] What do you want from me? [Fury] What do we want from you? What do you want from me? (Agent Romanoff leaves) You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the centre of my universe. I have bigger problems than you in the southwest region to deal with. (Romanoff returns with an injection) Hit him. [Tony] Oh, God, are gonna steal my kidney and sell it? (Rash goes down) Could you please not do anything awful for five seconds? What did she just do to me? [Fury] What did we just do for you? That’s lithium dioxide. It’s gonna take the edge off. We’re trying to get you back to work. [Tony] Give me a couple of boxes of that. I’ll be right as rain. [Agent Romanoff] It’s not a cure, it just abates the symptoms. [Fury] Doesn’t look like it’s gonna be an easy fix. [Tony] Trust me, I know. I’m good at this stuff. I’ve been looking for a suitable replacement for palladium. I’ve tried every combination, every permutation of every known element. [Fury] Well, I’m here to tell you, you haven’t tried them all. (Scene change. Hammer Industries) [Justin] Hey, hey, het. Special delivery. Candygram. (Ivan climbs down from where he was working) I brought you something. Oh yeah. (Removes cloth) We got you the bird, pal. [Ivan] This is not my bird. [Justin] What do you mean? That’s the bird. This is the bird. Yeah, pulled a lot of strings to get this bird. This is a great bird. [Jack] It’s a beautiful bird. [Justin] We got this bird all the way from Russia. [Ivan] Hey, man, this is not my bird. [Justin] Well, listen, even if it’s not the bird, I mean, this is a gorgeous bird. I mean, you know, look, don’t get so attached to things. Learn to let go. Wait a minute. Jack, what is that? Is that… That’s not a helmet. What is that? (Walks up to suit) Ivan… What’s this? Jack. Is that a helmet? It doesn’t look like a helmet to me. How… How are you supposed to get a head in there? Jack, could you put your head in there? [Jack] No. [Justin] Try to put your head in there. Go ahead. Try to put your head in there. (Jack put it on his head) See, Ivan? He can’t put his head in there. That’s… That’s not a helmet. It’s a head. I need to put a guy in there. I need to fit a person in that suit. You understand? [Ivan] Drone better. [Justin] What? Drone better? Why is drone better? Why is drone better? [Ivan] People make problem. Trust me. Drone better. [Justin] Ivan, you know, I like you. I got you the bird. You said, “No problem.” That’s what you said to me. You said, “No problem.” Now I need suits. The government wants suits. Like Iron Man. You understand? That’s what the people want. That’s what’s gonna make them happy. [Ivan] Hey, man. Don’t get too attached to things. Learn to let go. [Justin] These drones better steal the show, Ivan. You understand? Better rock my world, Ivan. (Scene change. Air base) [General] Unbelievable. This ought to get the Senate off my ass. It’s functional? [Rhodey] Fully mission-capable. [General] Good. Get Hammer down here to weaponise it. [Rhodey] Sir? [General] Justin Hammer’s making a weapons presentation at the Expo. We’d like this to introduce it. [Rhodey] Sir, I don’t believe that the Expo… [General] Colonel, the world needs to see this fast. We’ve got to make this happen. [Rhodey] Yes, General, but… [General] It’s also an order. [Rhodey] Yes sir. [General] Good work, Colonel. You’ve made your country proud. [Rhodey] Thank you sir. (Scene change. Tony’s house. It’s a bit broken. He is sitting with Nick Fury.) [Fury] That thing in your chest is based on unfinished technology. [Tony] No, it was finished. It has never been particularly effective until I miniaturised it and put it in my… [Fury] No. Howard said the arc reactor was the stepping stone to something greater. He was about to kick off an energy race that was gonna dwarf the arms race. He was on to something big, something so big that it was gonna make the nuclear reactor look like a triple-A battery. [Tony] Just him, or Anton Vanko in on this too? [Fury] Anton Vanko is the other side of that coin. Anton saw it as a way to get rich. When your father found out, he had him deported. When the Russians found out he couldn’t deliver they shipped his ass off to Siberia and he spent the next 20 years in a vodka-fuelled rage. Not quite the environment you want to raise a kid in, the son you had the misfortune of crossing paths with in Monaco. [Tony] You told me I hadn’t tried everything. What do you mean I haven’t tried everything? What haven’t I tried? [Fury] He said that you were the only person with the means and knowledge to finish what he started. [Tony] He said that? [Fury] Are you that guy? Are you? ‘Cause if you are, then you can solve the riddle of your heart. [Tony] I don’t know where you get your information, but he wasn’t my biggest fan. [Fury] What do you remember about your dad? [Tony] He was cold, he was calculating. He never told me he loved me. He never even told me he liked me, so it’s a little tough for me to digest when you’re telling me he said the whole future was riding on me and he’s passing it down. I don’t get that. You’re talking about a guy who’s happiest day was when he shipped me off to boarding school. [Fury] That’s not true. [Tony] Well, then, clearly you knew my dad better than I did. [Fury] As a matter of fact, I did. He was one of the founding members of SHIELD. [Tony] What? [Fury] I got a two o’clock [Tony] Wait, wait, wait, wait. What’s this? [Fury] Okay, you’re good, right? [Tony] No, I’m not good. [Fury] You got this? Right? Right? [Tony] Got what? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to get. [Fury] Natasha will remain a floater at Stark with her cover intact. You remember Agent Coulson, right? [Tony] Yeah. [Fury] And Tony, remember, I got my eye on you. (Fury leaves) [Natalie/Agent Romanoff/Natasha (We’ll stick with Natasha from now on)] We’ve disabled all communications. No contact with the outside world. Good luck. (She leaves) [Tony] (Turning to Agent Coulson) Please. First thing, I need a little bodywork. I’ll put in a little time at the lab. If we could send one of your goon squad down to The Coffee Bean, Cross Creek, for a Starbucks run, or something like that, that’d be nice. [Agent Coulson] I’m not here for that. I’ve been authorised by Director Fury to use any means necessary to keep you on premises. If you attempt to leave or play any games, I will tase you and watch Supernanny while you drool into the carpet. Okay? [Tony] I think I got it, yeah. [Agent Coulson] Enjoy your evening’s entertainment. (Leaves. Tony looks at the box that has been left for him.) (Scene change. Air base. Dismantling the suit) [Major Allen] Think this is the power source? [Rhodey] Major, this is not a scientific exercise. Let’s just focus on arming it, all right? [Major Allen] Yes, sir. [Justin] (Entering. Sucking on a red lollipop.) Oh, yes! Oh, yes, yes, yes. Is it my birthday? You got it. What did you do? What did you do? Is this what I think it is? [Rhodey] Yes it is. Hammer, I want to know what you’re gonna do for us. [Justin] What am I going to do for you? Well, the first thing I’m gonna do for you is I’m gonna upgrade your software. And then, second, I think I should… [Rhodey] That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about firepower. [Justin] Well, you’re talking to the right guy. (Bites lollipop. Time jump. Kind of. He now has weapons to show to Rhodey.) Claridge Hi-Tec, semi-automatic, 9mm pistol. Too downtown? I agree. M24 shotgun, pump action. Five-round magazine. You know what? You’re not a hunter. What am I talking about? I’m getting rid of it. This is the FN-2000 from Belgium. They do make something better than waffles. It’s beautiful, But I can tell this isn’t disco enough for you, so I’m gonna put it right here. You’re looking at a Milkor 40mm grenade launcher. Tear gas, smoke. Hippie control. You’re tough. Let me tell you something. Size does matter. Don’t let anyone tell you different. This is an M134 7.62 Minigun. Six invidual barrels. The torso taker, powder maker. Our boys in uniform call in Uncle Gazpacho or Puff the Magic Dragon. Okay. These are the Cubans, baby. This is the Cohibas, the Montecristos. This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder vehicle with a secondary cyclotrimethlyenetrinitamine RDX burst. It’s capable of busting the bunker under the bunker you just busted. If it were any smarter, it would write a book. A book that would make Ulysses look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Eiffel Tower. This is my Rachmaninoff’s Third. My Pieta. It’s completely elegant. It’s bafflingly beautiful. And it’s capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it the Ex-Wife. That’s the best I got. Are we gonna do this? Give me something here. You’re like a sphinx. I can’t read you. [Rhodey] I think I’ll take it. [Justin] Which one? [Rhodey] All of it. [Justin] All of it. (Scene change. Tony is looking through the box. Blue prints for the arc reactor. Newspaper articles. Video reels.) [Howard (on video)] Everything is achievable through technology. Better living, robust heath, (Tony is flicking through a notebook as the video plays) and for the first time in human history, the possibility of world peace. I’m Howard Stark, and everything you’ll need for the future can be found right here. City of the Future? City of Tomorrow? City of… I’m Howard Stark and everything you’ll need in the future can be found right here. So, from all of us at Stark Industries, I would like to personally… Tony, what are you doing back there? What is that? (Little Tony has picked one of the buildings up off the model.) Put that back. Put it back where you got it from. Where’s your mother? Maria? Go on. Go, go, go, go. (A man takes little Tony off, presumably to where his mother is) [Man (out of sight)] All right, I think we got… [Howard] I’ll… I’ll… I’ll come in and… (Video changes) [Man] Are you waiting on me? (Howard drinks. Looks like whiskey. Video changes again) [Howard] So, from all of us at Stark Industries, I’d like to personally show you my ass. I’d like to… I can’t… This is… I can’t… We have this, don’t we? This is a ridiculous way… Everything (Tony reaches end of notebook. Blank pages. Probably ones his father never got to fill in as he died) is achievable through technology. (Tony throws the book to one side and drinks) Tony. You’re too young to understand this right now, so I thought I would put it on film for you. I built this for you. And someday you’ll realise that it represents a whole lot more than just people’s inventions. It represents my life’s work. This is the key to the future. I’m limited by the technology of my time, but one day you’ll figure this out. And when you do, you will change the world. What is and always will be my greatest creation is you. (Tony looks like he’s about to cry as the film ends. Scene change. He’s driving down a road in car number plate Stark11 He stops to but some strawberries.) [Tony (Spanish)] How much? [Strawberry man] $6. Six. [Tony] I don’t have any dough. Here. (Takes off watch) [Strawberry man] No, sir, that’s too much. [Tony] No, it’s fine. Take that. It’s fine [Strawberry man] No, señor. [Tony] Take it. Take it. I don’t like people handing me things. If you just drop that there, that’d be great. [Strawberry man] Are you Iron Man? [Tony] Sometimes. [Strawberry man] (As Tony drives off) We believe in you! (Now in Pepper’s office) [Pepper] It was an illegal seizure of trademark property. [PA] Miss Potts? [Tony] Relax. [PA] Mr Stark… [Tony] Is here. [PA] He refuses… [Tony] I don’t. It’s fine. I’ll just be a second. [Pepper (on phone)] Listen, it’s our position that Stark has and continues to maintain propriety ownership of the Mark II platform. [News reporter (on telly)] When Mr Stark announced he was indeed Iron Man, he was making a promise to America. [Pepper] No, the suit belongs to us. [News reporter] We trusted that he would look out for us. [Pepper] Yeah, but you’re not… [News reporter] He obviously did not. [Pepper] Burt… [News reporter] And now we learn that his secretary… [Pepper] Yes, it does. [News reporter] …a woman named Virginia “Pepper” Potts, has been appointed as CEO of Stark Industries. What are her qualifications? [Pepper] No. [News reporter] Miss Potts has done nothing to manage this terrible… [Tony] Mute. [Pepper] No… Burt… Burt… Burt, listen to me. Don’t tell me that we have the best patent lawyers in the country and then not let me pursue this. [Tony] (Looking at boxes and things in the corner.) I’ll get this stuff out of here. [Pepper] Well, then, tell the President to sign an order. We’ll talk about it at the Expo. (Tony pulls back a sheet and finds the same model as that that was in the video with his father) Hammer’s giving some presentation tomorrow evening. Will Tony Stark be there? [Tony] (Pulling up a chair) Will I? [Pepper] No, he will not. Bye. [Tony] I would like to be. Got a minute? [Pepper] No. [Tony] Come on, you just got off the phone. You’re fine. 30 seconds. [Pepper] Twenty-nine Twenty-eight. [Tony] I was just driving over here, and I thought I was coming to basically apologise, but I’m not. [Pepper] You didn’t come here to apologise? [Tony] Look, that goes without saying, and I’m working on that. But I haven’t been entirely upfront with you, and I just want to try to make good. Can I move this? This is crazy. It’s like a Ferris wheel, going. I’m trying to get some… [Pepper] No. [Tony] Do you know how short life is? And if I never got to express… And by the way, this is somewhat revelatory to me. And I don’t care… I mean, I care. It would be nice. I’m not expecting you to… Look, here’s what I’m trying to say. I’m just gonna say it. [Pepper] Let me stop you right here, okay? Because if you say “I” one more time, I’m gonna actually hurl something at your head, I think. I am trying to run a company. Do you have any idea what that entails? [Tony] Yes. [Pepper] People are relying on you to be Iron Man and you’ve disappeared, and all I’m doing is putting out your fires and taking the heat of it. I am trying to do the job that you were meant to do. Did you bring me strawberries? Did you know that there’s only one thing on Earth that I’m allergic to? [Tony] Allergic to strawberries. This is progress Pepper. I knew there was a correlation between you and this. [Pepper] I need you… [Tony] I need you too. [Pepper] …to leave now [Tony] That’s what I’m trying to… [Natasha] (Entering as Natalie in front of Happy) Ms Potts? [Pepper] Hi, come on in. [Natasha] Wheels up in 25 minutes. [Pepper] Thank you. [Happy] Anything else, boss? [Tony] I’m good, Hap. [Pepper] No, I’ll be just another minute. [Tony] I lost both the kids in the divorce. (Tony looks over to Happy, who shakes his head.) Are you blending in well here, Natalie? Here are Stark Enterprises? Your name is Natalie, isn’t it? I thought you two didn’t get along? [Pepper] No. That’s not so. [Tony] It’s just me you don’t care for. No? Nothing? [Pepper] Actually, while you’re here maybe you and Natalie could discuss the matter of the personal belongings. [Natasha] Absolutely. (Pepper and Happy leave) I’m surprised you can keep your mouth shut. [Tony] Boy, you’re good. You are mind-blowingly duplicitous. How do you do it? You just tear things… You’re a triple imposter. I’ve never seen anything like you. Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin? [Natasha] (Latin) [Tony] Which means? Wait. What? What did you just say? [Natasha] It means you can either drive yourself home or I can have you collected. (She leaves.) [Tony] You’re good. (Piles things up under desk spinny thing and throws strawberries in the bin. Goes back to the model and looks at it through one eye. Scene change. Driving it home, fading into workshop) [Tony] Jarvis, could you kindly Vac-U-Form a digital wire frame? I need a manipulatable projection. [Jarvis] 1974 Stark Expo model scan complete, sir. [Tony] (Lifting the blue projection away from the model) How many buildings are there? [Jarvis] Am I to include the Belgium waffle stands? [Tony] That was rhetorical. Just show me. (Clicks his fingers and the model begins to spin and lifts upright) What does that look like to you Jarvis? Not unlike an atom. In which case the nucleus would be here. Highlight the unisphere. Lose the footpaths. Get rid of them. [Jarvis] What is it you’re trying to achieve, sir? [Tony] I’m discovering… Correction. I’m rediscovering a new element, I believe. Lose the landscaping, the shrubbery, the trees. (Tony flicks things away) Parking lots, exits, entrances. Structure the protons and the neutrons using the pavilions as a framework. Dad. (The model now resembles a nucleus and Tony expands it.) Dead for almost 20 years, and still taking me to school. (Tony snaps down so the model fits in his hand) [Jarvis] The proposed element should serve as a viable replacement for palladium. [Tony] Thank Dad. [Jarvis] Unfortunately, it is impossible to synthesise. [Tony] Get ready for a major remodel, fellas. We’re back in hardware mode. (Smashing walls with sledge hammers, drilling holes in the floor, fiddling with wires, putting together pipes. Agent Coulson enters) [Agent Coulson] I heard you broke the perimeter. [Tony] Yeah. That was, like, three years ago. Where have you been? [Agent Coulson] I was doing some stuff. [Tony] Yeah, well, me too and it worked. Hey, I’m playing for the home team Coulson, you and all your Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers. Now, are you gonna let me work or break my balls? [Agent Coulson] (Pulls a familiar looking object out of a box) What’s this doing here? [Tony] That’s it. Bring that to me. [Agent Coulson] You know what this is? [Tony] (As Agent Coulson hands it to him) It’s exactly what I need to make this work. Lift the coil. Go, go. Put your knees into it. There you go. And… Drop it. Drop it. (The shield is now in position and the coil straight.) Perfectly level. I’m busy. What do you want? [Agent Coulson] Nothing. Goodbye. I’ve been reassigned. Director Fury wants me in New Mexico. [Tony] Fantastic. Land of Enchantment. [Agent Coulson] So I’m told. [Tony] Secret stuff? [Agent Coulson] Something like that. Good luck. [Tony] Bye. Thanks. (They shake hands) [Agent Coulson] We need you. [Tony] Yeah, more than you know. [Agent Coulson] Not that much. (He leaves. Tony goes back to building.) [Jarvis] Initialising prismatic accelerator. (Tony turns a wheel on top) Approaching maximum power. (Using a wrench as a lever, the wheel is turned, but not before cutting holes in the wall. Eventually it’s concentrated on a triangle which begins to glow blue.) [Tony] That was easy. (He removes the triangle using a pair of pliers) [Jarvis] Congratulations sir. You have created a new element. (Placed into arc reactor) Sir, the reactor has accepted the modified core. I will begin running diagnostics. (Scene change. Ivan is also building an arc reactor) [Justin (on phone from golf course)] Hey Ivan. I got Senator Stern here. Thought we’d swing over and look at some of the drone designs. [Ivan] The drone is not going to be ready. [Justin] Not ready? What do you mean? [Ivan] I can make presentation, not demonstration. [Justin] What the hell is the difference? [Ivan] Presentation. No fly. No shoot. [Justin] Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. What can you make them do? I mean, this is a weapons demonstration. [Ivan] I can make salute. [Justin] You can make salute? What do you mean “make salute”? What the hell does that mean Ivan? This is not what we agreed to, okay? You promised me suits and then you promised me drones. (Camera pans to show Ivan has remade his arc reactor whips) [Ivan] Hey, man, everything will be okay. [Justin] This is not what I wanted. (Justin is back at Hammer Industries. Enters Ivan’s room with two men.) [Justin] Hey, there he is. It’s the bird man. Now you like the bird. Is that right? Is that your bird? I’m confused. You said it wasn’t, but now it looks like you’re the best of pals. You love that bird, don’t you? You know what? Take the bird. [Ivan] (As man grabs bird) Hey! [Justin] Take his pillows too. Both of them. And his shoes. Take his shoes. I took your stuff. How does that make you feel? Do you feel bad? Good. ‘Cause that’s how I feel! We had a contract. I saved your life and you give me suits. That was our deal. And you did not deliver. I don’t know if you’re a genius or a fraud. I don’t know what you are. Something really, really great fell into my lap. And if it hadn’t, I’d be at your mercy tonight. Now I have a piece of Stark tech that I pimped out myself. And now your overpriced paperweights and gonna look like a backdrop to my demonstration. Do you dig what I’m getting at here? [Ivan] (Russian) unintelligible [Justin] I don’t know if you know this, but I don’t speak Russian! I’m gonna leave now. I’m gonna go to the Expo. Maybe I’ll even get laid. You see these guys? They’re your babysitters. They are not to be trifled with. When I get back, we’re gonna renegotiate the terms of our agreement. And you’re gonna make good on our arrangement because if you don’t, you’re gonna be exactly what you were when I found you, a dead man. You got that? Maybe you can watch me on TV. (Leaves) (Tony’s house) [Tony] Dummy, You, can we clean up this mess? You’re killing me. You know I don’t… [Jarvis] Incoming call with a blocked number sir. [Tony] My phone privilege is reinstated. Lovely. Coulson. How’s the Land of Enchantment? [Ivan] Hey, Tony, how you doing? I double cycle. [Tony] You what? [Ivan] You told me double cycle’s more power. Good advice. [Tony] You sound pretty sprightly for a dead guy. [Ivan] You too. [Tony] (mutes his speaker) Trace him. [Jarvis] Sir. [Ivan] Now, the true history of Stark name will be written. [Tony] Jarvis, where is he? [Jarvis] Accessing the Oracle grid. Eastern Seaboard. [Ivan] What your father did to my family over 40 years, I will do to you in 40 minutes. [Tony] Sounds good. Let’s get together and hash it out. [Jarvis] Tri-State area. Manhattan and outlying boroughs. [Ivan] I hope you’re ready. (Call ends) [Jarvis] Call trace incomplete. (Sees advert for Justin’s presentation. Picks up new arc reactor) [Jarvis] Sir [Tony] You want to run some tests, run them. And assemble the suit while you’re at it. Put it together now. [Jarvis] We are unclear as to the effects. [Tony] I don’t want to hear it Jarvis. (Reactor gains power) That tastes like coconut. And metal. Oh wow, yeah! (Stark Expo. Natasha opens the door for Pepper to exit the car) [Happy] I’ll keep the car down here, all right? [Pepper] Thank you Happy. [Announcer] …Justin Hammer. His presentation will begin shortly in the main pavilion. (Begins. Justin dances on to the stage) [Justin] Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. Thanks for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, for far too long, this country has had to place its brave men and women in harm’s way, but then the Iron Man arrived, and we thought the days of losing lives were behind us. Sadly, that technology was kept out of reach. That’s not fair. That’s not right. And it’s just too bad. [Pepper] Oh, Lord. [Justin] Regardless, it was an impressive innovation, one that grabbed the headlines the world over. Well, today, my friends, the press is faced with quite a difficult problem. They are about to run out of ink. (Two people run on to remove the podium) Get that out of here. Ladies and gentlemen, today I present to you the new face of the United States military. The Hammer drone. (Drones rise out of the stage as he calls names) Army! Navy! Air Force! Marines! Yeah! Yeah! Woo! That’s a hell of a lot better than some cheerleaders, let me tell you. But as revolutionary as this technology is, there will always be a need for man to be present in the theatre of war (Ivan is typing something) Ladies and gentlemen, today I am proud to present to you the very first prototype in the Variable Threat Response Battle Suit and its pilot, Air Force Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes. [Pepper] What? (Rises and salutes.) [Justin] For America and its allies, Hammer Industries is reporting for… (incoming Iron Man) [Tony] We got trouble. [Rhodey] Tony, there are civilians present. I’m here on orders. Let’s not do this right now. [Tony] Give them a wave. [Justin] Hey, all right. Yeah. [Tony] All these people are in danger. We gotta get them out of here. You gotta trust me for the next five minutes. [Rhodey] Yeah, I tried that. I got tossed around your house, remember? [Tony] Listen, I think he’s working with Vanko. [Rhodey] Vanko’s alive? [Justin] Yeah. (Tony approaches him) [Tony] What is he? [Justin] What? [Tony] Where’s Vanko? [Justin] Who? [Tony] Tell me. [Justin] What are you doing here man? [Rhodey] Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Tony] (As a large gun takes aim) Is that you? [Rhodey] No, I’m not doing that. That’s not me. I can’t move. I’m locked up. I’m locked up! (Drones take aim) Get out of here. Go! This whole system’s been compromised. [Tony] (Takes off) Let’s take it outside. (Drones and Rhodey fire at him. Rhodey takes off) [Rhodey] No, no! [Tony] Jarvis, break in. I need to own him. [Jarvis] Yes sir. [Rhodey] Tony, Tony, I’m locked on. I have target lock. [Tony] On what? [Rhodey] On you. (Shooting at Tony) Tony, on your six! [Justin] (Running to a computer) What’s going on? What’s happening? [Technician] The software’s been overridden. [Justin] What? What do you mean it’s been overridden? What does that mean? [Technician] I think he slaved the drones. [Justin] That’s impossible. Call the guards. [Jack] All the phones are down sir. [Justin] Well, then call their… Call their cells. [Jack] Their cell phones are not working either sir. [Technician] He’s locked us out of the mainframe. [Pepper] (Entering) Who’s locked you out of the mainframe? [Justin] Please, please, go away. Go away. I’ve got this handled. [Pepper] Have you now? [Justin] Yes, I do. In fact, if your guy hadn’t showed up, this wouldn’t be happening. So, please, now go away. Thank you (To technician) Listen, we got to get these bitches out of here. What? [Natasha] (Grabs Justin and holds him down on the desk) You tell me who’s behind this. Who’s behind this? [Justin] Ivan. Ivan Vanko. [Natasha] Where is he? [Justin] At my facility. (Natasha lets go and leaves. Pepper dials a number on her phone) [Pepper] I need NYPD, please. [Justin] No, no, no! [Pepper] Command Central. [Justin] No, no, honey. Don’t call the authorities. [Pepper] Okay. Right away. Right away. (To Justin) Step aside. Step aside. (To technician) Tell me everything you know. Go. (Tony is still being chased by Rhodey’s suit and the air force drones) [Tony] How are we doing Jarvis? [Jarvis] Remote reboot unsuccessful. (Other drones are now firing at the running crowds. Natasha leaves the building.) [Security guard] This way. [Happy] Nobody’s answering the phone. What’s going on? [Natasha] Get in the car. Take me to Hammer Industries. [Happy] I’m not taking you anywhere. [Natasha] Fine. You want me to drive? [Happy] No, I’m driving. Get in the car. (Lots of shooting drones and people screaming. The kid with the Iron Man helmet is targeted by a drone and holds his hand up. Tony lands behind him and shoots the drone with his hand repulsor) [Tony] Nice work kid. (Takes off again) [Rhodey] You got multiples coming in on you. [Tony] Let’s get this away from the Expo. (Inside car) [Natasha] Wen we arrive, I need you to watch the perimeter. (She’s getting undressed in the back of the car) I’m gonna enter the facility and take down the target. Watch the road. [Happy] I got it. I got it. (Tony and Rhodey. Tony sets off one car alarm, the drones set off the rest. Ivan is still typing inside Hammer Industries) [Rhodey] Listen, listen. A pack just peeled off. They’re headed back to the Expo. [Tony] Got it. [Rhodey] In closing in on you. Ordnance coming in hot Tony. Watch it. (Hammer Industries. Happy parks the car outside. More of less) [Natasha] Stay in the car. [Happy] I’m not staying in the car. [Natasha] I said, stay in the car. [Happy] (As Natasha heads up the stairs to the front door) What are you wearing? Look, I’m not letting you go in there alone. [Natasha] You want to help? Keep the car running. [Happy] (Opens the door as she unlocks it and runs in) Okay. (Ivan gets a security breach message) [Hammer security guard] Hey, hey, hey. You can’t come in here. (Happy punches him and Natasha heads past.) [Second guard] Hold on. Hey! (Natasha fights the other guards. Some using her SHIELD tech, some just kicking or punching them. Back at Expo) [Technician] Each set of drone is communicating in its own unique language. [Pepper] Well, choose one and focus on that. [Justin] Have you tried Russian? Why don’t you try Russian? (Hammer Industries. Happy is still fighting the same guard.) [Announcement] Attention. We have intrusion on Grid W. [Security guard] We got it. We’re on our way. (And Natasha throws something. And takes on like five guards at once. She walks away, casually spraying one with pepper spray. All this while Happy’s fighting one guy. Happy wins.) [Happy] I got him! (Sees what Natasha has done Ivan gets up. Tony is trying to let the drones away) [Tony] Rhodey, you still locked on? [Rhodey] Yeah. [Tony] Drop your socks and grab your Crocs. We’re about to get wet on this ride. [Rhodey] Wait, wait, wait! (Tony leads the drones through the globe sculpture. Most explode hitting parts of it. Natasha kicks open Ivan’s door, a gun in each hand. Happy is behind her. The room is empty.) [Natasha] He’s gone. (Tony and Rhodey) [Tony] I’m sorry buddy. Had to thin out the herd. What’s your 20? (Directly above him. Both crash into biodome Natasha puts her guns on the table and starts typing.) [Happy] What are you doing? [Natasha] I’m rebooting Rhodey’s suit. (Rhodey is on top of Tony, who is pushing the gun to keep it from shooting him) [Rhodey] Tony. (Natasha gains access. Rhodey’s suit shuts down) [Natasha] Reboot complete (Image of Tony on screen) You got your best friend back. [Tony] Thank you very much, Agent Romanoff. [Natasha] Well done on the new chest piece. I am reading significant higher output and your vitals all look promising. [Tony] Yes, for the moment, I’m not dying. Thank you. [Pepper] (Image appears on second screen) What do you mean you’re not dying? Did you just say you’re dying? [Tony] Is that you? No, I’m not. Not anymore. (Natasha looks confused.) [Pepper] What’s going on? [Tony] I was going to tell you. I didn’t want to alarm you. [Pepper] You were gonna tell me? You really were dying? [Tony] You didn’t let me. [Pepper] Why didn’t you tell me that? [Tony] I was gonna make you an omelette and tell you. [Natasha] Hey, hey. Save it for the honeymoon. You got incoming Tony. Looks like the fight’s coming to you. [Tony] Great. Pepper? [Pepper] Are you okay now? [Tony] I am fine. Don’t be mad. I will formally apologise… [Pepper] I am mad! [Tony] …when I’m not fending off a Hammeroid attack. [Pepper] Fine. [Tony] We could have been in Venice. [Pepper] Oh please. (Tony taps Rhodey’s helmet as the system restarts.) [Tony] Rhodes? Snap out of it buddy. I need you. They’re coming. Come on, let’s roll. Get up. [Rhodey] (Helmet opens) Oh, man. You can have your suit back. [Tony] (Helps him up) You okay? [Rhodey] Yeah, thanks. Tony, look, I’m sorry, okay? [Tony] Don’t be. [Rhodey] No. I should have trusted you more. [Tony] I’m the one who put you in this position. Forget it. [Rhodey] No. It’s your fault. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. [Tony] Thank you. That’s all I wanted to hear. Partner. They’re coming in hot, any second. What’s the play? [Rhodey] Well, we want to take the high ground, okay? So let’s put the biggest gun up on that ridge. [Tony] Got you. Where do you want to be? [Rhodey] Where are you going? [Tony] What’re you talking about? [Rhodey] I meant me. [Tony] You have a big gun. You are not the big gun. [Rhodey] Tony, don’t be jealous. [Tony] No. It’s subtle all the bells and whistles. [Rhodey] Yeah. It’s called being a badass. [Tony] Fine. All right. You go up to. I’ll draw them in. [Rhodey] Don’t stay down here. This is the worst place to be. [Tony] Okay, you got a spot. Where’s mine? [Rhodey] It’s the kill box, Tony. Okay This is where you go to die. (Drones incoming. And Rhodey and Ton are still in the kill box. Helmets down. Shooting begins.) [Tony] See that? [Rhodey] Yeah, yeah. Nice. [Tony] Rhodey? Get down. (Laser slices all the drones in half. And a tree.) [Rhodey] Wow. I think you should lead with that next time. [Tony] Yeah. Sorry boss. I can only use it one. It’s a one-off. (Back inside Expo) [Justin] I told you that five minutes ago. [Pepper] (As police enter) That’s your guy here. [Justin] Excuse me? [Police officer] You’re being placed under arrest. [Justin] Are you kidding me? [Police officer] Hands behind your back sir. [Justin] I’m trying to help here. I get it. I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to pin this on me, huh? That’s good. That’s good. You’re starting to think like a CEO, taking out the competition. I like that. You think you’re making a problem for me? (Being led away) I’m gonna make a problem for you. I’m gonna be seeing you again real soon. [Pepper] (Now outside with some police officers) When they get here, I think you should station them at the south, east and both west exits. [Police officer] We shut down the 7 train in and out of Willets Point already. [Pepper] Well, have city buses there to ferry people to operating lines. [Police officer] Yeah. Are you coming with us? [Pepper] No, I’m gonna stay until to park is clear. [Police officer] Okay. (Hammer Industries) [Natasha] Head up. You got one more drone incoming. This one looks different. (Tony and Rhodey; Natasha on speaker) The repulsor signature is significantly higher. [Ivan] (Landing in a full suit) Good to be back. [Rhodey] This ain’t gonna be good. (Ivan’s whisps turn on) I got something special for this guy. I’m gonna bust his bunker with the Ex-Wife. [Tony] With the what? (Rhodey shoots it and it bounces off Ivan, fizzling off in the water) Hammer tech? [Rhodey] Yeah. [Tony] I got this. (Targets points on Ivan’s armour. Doesn’t do much. Both shooting, fighting. Ends with both Tony and Rhodey held onto by Ivan’s whips) Rhodes. I got an idea. You want to be a hero? [Rhodey] What? [Tony] I could really use a sidekick. Put your hand up. [Rhodey] This is your idea? [Tony] Yep. [Rhodey] I’m ready. I’m ready. Go, go, go! [Tony] Take it! (Same as at the house, they shoot each other and the middle explodes. Unfortunately for Ivan, he is in the middle) [Ivan] You lose. (Dies. Reactor starts flashing red. So do all the drones) [Rhodey] All these drones are rigged to blow. We gotta get out of here man. [Tony] Pepper? (Takes off. Pepper is by a drone. Tony grabs her just as it explodes. They land on a roof. Takes off helmet.) [Pepper] Oh my God. I can’t take this anymore. [Tony] You can’t? [Pepper] I can’t take this. [Tony] Look at me. [Pepper] My body, literally, cannot handle the stress. I never know if you’re gonna kill yourself or wreak the whole company. [Tony] I think I did okay. (Everything being on fire having been covered by exploding drones behind him. One more explosion. Just as he finishes speaking.) [Pepper] I quit. I’m resigning. That’s it. [Tony] What did you just say? You’re done? That’s surprising. No, it’s not surprising. I get it. You don’t have to make excuses. [Pepper] I’m… I’m… I’m not making any excuses. [Tony] You actually were just making excuses. But you don’t have to. [Pepper] No, I wasn’t making an excuse. I’m actually very justified. [Tony] Listen. Hey, hey. You deserve better. [Pepper] Well… [Tony] You’ve taken such good care of me. I’ve been in a tough spot, but you got me through it, so… Right? [Pepper] Thank you. [Tony] Yeah. [Pepper] Thank you for understanding. [Tony] Yeah, yeah. Let’s talk clean-up. [Pepper] I’ll handle the transition. It’ll be smooth. [Tony] Okay. What about the press? Because you only had the job for a week. That’s gonna seem… [Pepper] Well, with you it’s like dog years. [Tony] I know. [Pepper] I mean, it’s like the Presidency. (They kiss) [Tony] Weird. [Pepper] No, it’s not weird. [Tony] It’s okay, right? [Pepper] Yeah. [Tony] Run that by me again. (They start to kiss again) [Rhodey] I think it was weird. (They break apart and turn around) You guys look like two seals fighting over a grape. [Pepper] I had just quit, actually. [Tony] Yeah, so we’re not… [Rhodey] You don’t have to do that. I heard the whole thing. [Tony] You should get lost. [Rhodey] I was here first. Get a roof. [Tony] I thought you were out of one-liners. [Rhodey] That’s the last one. [Tony] You kicked ass back there, by the way. [Rhodey] Thank you. You too. Listen, my car got taken out in the explosion, so I’m gonna have to hang on to your suit for a minute, okay? [Tony] Not okay. Not okay with that. [Rhodey] It wasn’t a question. (Takes off) [Tony] How are you gonna resign if I don’t accept? (Scene change. Some kind of building. Tony is inside sitting at a table. SHIELD logo is there. Picks up file. AVENGERS INITIATIVE PREMLIMIARY REPORT Nick Fury enters while looking and stops him opening it) [Fury] I don’t think I want you looking at that. I’m not sure it pertains to you anymore. Now this on the other hand, is Agent Romanoff’s assessment of you. Read it. (Hands Tony the file) [Tony] “Personality overview. Mr Stark displays compulsive behaviour.” In my own defence, that was last week. “Prone to self-destructive tendencies.” I was dying. I mean, please. Aren’t we all? “Textbook narcissism”? Agreed. Okay, here it is. “Recruitment assessment for Avenger Initiative. Iron Man? Yes.” I gotta think about it. [Fury] Read on. [Tony] “Tony Stark not… Not recommended”? That doesn’t make any sense. How can you approve me but not approve me? I got a new ticker. I’m trying to do right by Pepper. I’m in a stable-ish relationship. (Fury walks round and rest against the table by Tony’s chair) [Fury] Which leads us to believe at this juncture we’d only like to use you as a consultant. (Tony stands and offers his hand. They shake) [Tony] (Clasping his other hand on top of Fury’s) You can’t afford me. (Goes to leave, but turns around again) Then again, I will waive my customary retainer in exchange for a small favour. Rhodey and I are being honoured in Washington and we need a presenter. [Fury] I’ll see what I can do. (Scene change. Washington. ACDC’s Highway To Hell Starts to play) [Stern] It is my honour to be here today to present these distinguished awards to Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes and Mr Tony Stark, who is, of course, a national treasure. (Pinning on medals) Thank you Lieutenant Colonel, for such and exceptionally distinguished performance. You deserve this. [Rhodey] Thank you sir. [Stern] Mr Stark. Thank you for such as exceptionally distinguished performance. You deserve this. (Tony winces in pain) Oh, sorry. Funny how annoying a little prick can be, isn’t it? Let’s get a photo. (Pose for a photo. Roll credits. Cue end credits scene. A car rolls up. Well-dressed shoes. Agent Coulson looks down on a crater. Takes off sunglasses and pulls out phone) [Agent Coulson] Sir, we’ve found it. (Camera pans out and there seems to be a hammer. The End.)

{"title": "Iron Man 2"}

marvel/pdunton

(Shows the Iron Man suits getting destroyed.) [Tony Stark (V.O.)] We create our own demons. Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter, I said it cause he said it. So now he was famous and that's basically get said by two well known guys. I don't, uh... (Sighs) (Screen goes black.) [Tony Stark (V.O.)] I'm gonna start again. Let's track this from the beginning. (Effel 65's "I'm Blue" playing over the MARVEL logo.) (1999, Bern, Switzerland, New Years Eve Party.) [Happy Hogan] (to Maya.) Half hour till the ball drops. [Tony Stark] Hey, do you want...? [Party Guest] Tony Stark? Great speech, man! (Hogan moves the man away from Tony.) [Happy Hogan] I got you, pal. [Tony Stark] I gave a speech? How was it? [Happy Hogan] Pitiful [Maya Hansen] Unintelligible. [Tony Stark] Really? [Maya Hansen] Mmm-hmm. [Tony Stark] It's my favorite kind, a winning combo. (They start walking together.) [Maya Hansen] Where are we going? [Tony Stark] Uh, to town on each other, probably back in your room. Cause I also wanna see your research. [Maya Hansen] Okay, you can see my research, but that's...I'm not gonna show you my "town." [Ho Yinsen] Mr. Stark (As Tony & Maya are walking away the man intercepts them.) Ho Yinsen. [Tony Stark] Oh, I finally met a man called "Ho." (Tony & Yinsen shake hands. While, Yinsen chuckles humorlessly; Tony turns to Maya.) Come here. [Ho Yinsen] I would like to introduce you to our guest, Dr. Wu. (Yinsen moves them towards Wu.) [Tony Stark] (to Wu) Oh, this guy. [Ho Yinsen] Mr. Stark. [Tony Stark] Hey. (Dr. Wu greets Tony in mandarin as they shake hands.) You're a heart doctor. She's going to need a cardiologist after I... (Tony turns, starts blowing on his party horn & walks away with Maya.) [Maya Hansen] Bye. [Ho Yinsen] Perhaps another time. [Tony Stark (V.O.)] It started in Bern, Switzerland, 1999. (People yelling indistinctly.) The old days. [Aldrich Killian] Mr. Stark! [Tony Stark (V.O.)] I never thought they'd come back to bite me. Why would they? (As Tony and Maya walk towards the elevator an enthusiastic man with long hair comes up towards them) [Aldrich Killian] Oh, wow! Hey, Tony! Aldrich Killian. (Stuttering To Maya) I'm a big fan of your work! [Maya Hansen] My work? [Tony Stark] Who isn't? He means me. [Aldrich Killian] Well, of course. But, Miss Hansen, my organization has been tracking your research since year two of MIT. (Tony, Maya and Hogan walk into the elevator) [Happy Hogan] Yeah, we're full. (Hogan puts his arms out to stop Aldrich from coming inside, but he ducks under Hogan's arms and moves into the elevator) [Tony Stark] Oh, wow. He made it. He made the cut. (Hogan traps Aldrich by the wall) [Happy Hogan] What floor are you going to, pal? [Aldrich Killian] Oh, now, that is an appropriate question. The ground floor, actually. I've got a proposal I'm putting together with myself. It's a privately funded think tank called, Advanced Idea Mechanics. (He holds out two business cards towards Tony and Maya) [Tony Stark] Uh... she'll take both. [Maya Hansen] Okay. (takes the cards) [Tony Stark] One to throw away and one to not call. [Aldrich Killian] Advanced Idea Mechanics, or AIM for short. (Points to the logo on his shirt) Do you get it? [Tony Stark] I see that, cause it's on your t-shirt. [Aldrich Killian] Aw! [Tony Stark] (to the party of women in the elevator; referring to Hogan as they walk out) Ladies, follow the mullet.(To Maya) Ladies first. [Maya Hansen] (to Aldrich as she walks out of the elevator) Thank you, I'll call you. (as everyone walks out of the elevator, Tony stops Aldrich from getting out by putting out his arm in front of him) [Tony Stark] I'm titillated by the notion of working with you. [Aldrich Killian] Yeah? [Tony Stark] Yeah, cheese clown. I'll see you up on the roof in five minutes. (steps out of the elevator) I'm just going to try to get my beef wet real quick. You know what I'm talkin' about? [Aldrich Killian] I'll see you up there. (the elevator door closes) [Tony Stark] Damn betcha. (Scene change to Maya's room} [Tony Stark] Come on! I thought that was just a theory. [Maya Hansen] Well, it was. If I'm right, we can access the area of the brain that governs repair... (we see they are looking at a computer monitor with graph of the brain) [Tony Stark] Wow. [Maya Hansen] ...And chemically recode it. [Tony Stark] That's incredible. Essentially you're hacking into the genetic... [Both] ...Genetic operating system... [Tony Stark] ...of a... [Maya Hansen] Exactly. [Tony] ...living organism. [Maya Hansen] Yes. [Tony Stark] Wow. (Hogan touches Maya's plant) [Maya Hansen] Is that... Can you... [Happy Hogan] What? [Maya Hansen] Can you not touch my plant. It's not...she doesn't like it. She prefers... [Tony Stark] She's not like the others.​​​​​​ (to Maya) Come on. Let's go in the bedroom. Happy... [Maya Hansen] That's cute, but... [Tony Stark] Leave her ficus alone. [Maya Hansen] (turns to Hogan) Because... and, no, seriously don't. (walks into the bedroom) [Tony Stark] And you're starting with plants? [Maya Hansen] For now, yeah. [Tony Stark] Huh. [Maya Hansen] I'm calling it Extremis. (Happy reaches for the plant and pulls off some leaves to just throw them on the ground.) (Tony and Maya continue talking about her research in the bedroom) [Maya Hansen] Well, it's... [Both] Human application. [Maya Hansen] Exactly! Exactly. (Zooms in on the plant and it's growing a new "Limb") [Maya Hansen] Dendritic revitalization. [Tony Stark] It's revolutionary. [Maya Hansen] Disease prevention... [Tony Stark] Changes the world. [Maya Hansen] ...even limb regrowth. (Goes back to Maya and Tony) [Tony Stark] You're the most gifted woman I've ever met. [Maya Hansen] Wow. [Tony Stark] In Switzerland. [Maya Hansen] Hmm, that's better. Aw, you're seeing things. [Tony] This week. (Maya takes off Tony's glasses, Tony laughs) [Tony Stark] You almost bought it, didn't you? (Maya puts on the glasses and Happy shuts the door. He nods and they start kissing to be interrupted by an explosion and glass shattering.) [Maya Hansen] This is what I'm talking about, the glitch. [Tony Stark] Have you checked the telomerase algorithm? [Maya Hansen] The what? (at that moment Hogan runs into the room and tackles Tony onto the bed to make sure he's okay) [Happy Hogan] Down! Stay down! Stay down, boss. [Tony Stark] We're good. [Happy Hogan] Stay down. [Tony Stark] You're...you're right on me. I made it. (Happy gets up) What the hell was that? (People counting down outside.) [Happy Hogan] What was that? [Maya Hansen] It's a glitch in my work. It's... [Tony Stark] She was just talking about it. Glitches happening. [Happy Hogan] It's not Y2K. [Maya Hansen] No. (Tony hears people celebrating outside) [Tony Stark] Hey! [Happy Hogan] Happy New Year. [Tony Stark] Happy New Year. [Maya Hansen] Happy New Year. [Tony Stark] Alright, I'll see you in the morning, goodnight. (Tony shakes hands with Hogan) [Happy Hogan] You good? [Tony Stark] Yep. [Happy Hogan] I'll be right outside. [Tony Stark] Okay. (Hogan leaves the room; we then see Aldrich on top of the building waiting for Tony, who never shows) [Tony Stark] (voice over) So why am I telling you this? Because I had just created demons, and I didn't even know it. (we see Tony writing a note 'You know who I am', and leaving it on the bedside table for Maya before leaving; Maya hears the door close) [Tony Stark] (voice over) Yeah, those were the good times. Then I moved on. After a brief soiree in an Afghan cave, I said goodbye to the party scene. Forgot that night in Switzerland. These days I'm a changed man, I'm different now. I'm well... you know who I am. (Present Day, Malibu, California - Tony is in his lab injecting himself with some devices) [Tony Stark] Ow! [JARVIS] Sir, please may I request just a few hours to calibrate... [Tony Stark] No. Forty-eight. (he injects himself) Ah! Micro-repeater implanting sequence complete. [JARVIS] As you wish, sir. I've also prepared a safety briefing for you to entirely ignore. [Tony Stark] Which I will. Right, let's do this. (to the robot that's using a broom to clear the rubbish off the floor) [Tony Stark] Dummy. Hi, Dummy. How did you get that cap on your head? You earned it. (Tony walks towards the robot) [Tony Stark] Hey. Hey! What are you doing round in the corner? You know what you did. Blood on my mat, handle it. [JARVIS] Sir, may I remind you that you've been awake for nearly seventy-two hours. (addressing the Iron Man suits that are in their glass cages) [Tony Stark] Focus up, ladies. Good evening, and welcome to the birthing suite. I'm pleased to announce the imminent arrival of your bouncing, bad-ass, baby brother. (to Jarvis as he records Tony with a camera) [Tony Stark] Start tight and go wide, stamp in time. Mark 42 autonomous prehensile propulsion suit test. Initialize sequence. (Tony raises his hands and motions to activate the new suit) [Tony Stark] Jarvis, drop my needle. (music starts playing, Tony moves with the music then points his arm where he'd been injecting himself toward the dismantled Iron Man suit on the table opposite, nothing happens) [Tony Stark] Crap. (Tony bites his arm where he'd injected himself once and then hits it five times, he points his arm again and this time a part of the suit flies over to Tony and attaches itself to his hand and extends to his arm and shoulder, Tony then points his other arm toward the suit and the second part attaches itself to his hand and arm, Tony laughs) [Tony Stark] Alright, I think we got this. Send 'em all. (the leg part flies over and attaches itself to Tony's leg, then as another part flies over it crashes into one of the Iron Man suit glass cages, then another part hurls itself at Tony and Tony inflects it with his arm making it crash) [Tony Stark] Probably a little fast, slow it down. Slow it down just a... (suddenly another part of the suit shoots over and Tony ducks as it narrowly misses hitting him in the head) [Tony Stark] ...little bit. (the other parts fly over and attach themselves with force to Tony's back and crotch area) [Tony Stark] Cool it, will you, Jarvis? (then all the other parts shoot over and get attached to Tony, accept for the final face piece, which just hovers, facing Tony) [Tony Stark] Come on. I ain't scared of you. (the face piece flies over and Tony flips over to grab the piece and finally the Iron Man suit is fully attached to Tony) [Tony Stark] I'm the best. (at that moment, one of the stray pieces of the suit shoot over to Tony, knock hims down, which knocks the entire suit, except for the head piece, off Tony) [JARVIS] As always, sir, a great pleasure watching you work. [Tony Stark] (voice over) And I guess seventy-two hours isn't a long time between siesta's. Didn't think it could get any worse. Then I had to go and turn on the TV. (the news on TV shows footage of The Mandarin) [Tony Stark] (voice over) That's when he happened. [The Mandarin] Some people call me a terrorist, I consider myself a teacher. America, ready for another lesson. In 1864 in Sand Creek Colorado the U.S. military waited till the friendly Cheyenne braves all gone hunting, waited to attack and slaughter their families left behind, and claim their land. Thirty-nine hours ago the Ali Al Salem Air Base in Kuwait was attacked. I...I...I did that. A quaint military church filled with wives and children, of course. The soldiers were out on maneuvers, the braves were away. President Ellis, you continue to resist my attempts to educate you, sir. And now, you've missed me again. You know who I am, you don't know where I am, and you'll never see me coming. (as this footage ends, the TV channels change and all the news channels are talking about The Mandarin) (the news on TV shows President Ellis addresses The Mandarin Threat) [News Reporter #1] And now that we seem to be back, let's recap some of the frightening... [News Reporter #2] American Airwaves were highjacked... [News Reporter #3] The nation remains on high alert... [News Reporter #4] All attempts to find the Mandarin have so far proved unsuccessful... [President Ellis] Central to my Administration's response to this terrorist event, is a newly minted resource. I know him as Colonel James Rhodes, the American people will soon know him as the Iron Patriot. (we then see Bill Maher talking about this on his show) [Bill Maher] And how is President Ellis responding? By taking the guy they call War Machine and giving him a paint job. (then we see Joan Rivers on 'The Fashion Police' talking about the new Iron Man suit) [Joan Rivers] Same suit, but painted red, white, and blue. Look at rhat. And they also renamed him Iron Patriot. You know, just in case the paint was too subtle. (Rhodes and Tony Stark are at a bar and they see Joan Rivers making fun of the Iron Patriot suit on TV) [Colonel James Rhodes] It tested well with focus groups, alright? [Tony Stark] (putting on a mocking voice) I am Iron Patriot... [Colonel James Rhodes] Listen, War Machine was a little too aggressive, alright? This sends a better message. [Tony Stark] So what's really goin' on? With Mandarin. Seriously, can we talk about this guy? (Tony moves closer to Rhodes) [Colonel James Rhodes] It's classified information, Tony. Okay, there have been nine bombings. [Tony Stark] Nine. [Colonel James Rhodes] The public only knows about three. Here's the thing, nobody can ID a device. There's no bomb casings. [Tony Stark] You know I can help, just ask. I got a ton of new tech, I got a prehensile, I got a...I got a new bomb disposal. Catches explosions mid-air. [Colonel James Rhodes] When's the last time you got a good night's sleep? [Tony Stark] Einstein slept three hours a year. Look what he did? [Colonel James Rhodes] People are concerned about you, Tony. I'm concerned about you. [Tony Stark] You're gonna come at me like that? [Colonel James Rhodes] No. No, look, I'm not trying to be a dic... (a girl and a boy come up to their table) [Colonel James Rhodes] ...tator. [Erin] Do you mind signing my drawing? [Tony Stark] If Richard doesn't mind. (to Rhodes) You alright with this, Dick? [Colonel James Rhodes] Fine with me. (Tony looks at the drawing of himself in his Iron Man suit that the girl has drawn) [Tony Stark] (To the girl) What's your name? [Erin] Erin. (Tony looks at the boy standing next to him) [Tony Stark] I loved you in A Christmas Story, by the way. (as Tony is signing Erin's drawing) [Colonel James Rhodes] Listen, the Pentagon is scared. After what happened in New York... aliens, come on. They need to look strong. Stopping the Mandarin is priority, but it's not... [Tony Stark] It's not superhero business, I get it. [Colonel James Rhodes] No, it's not, quite frankly. It's American business. [Tony Stark] That's why I said I...got it. (suddenly as Tony is signing the drawing he looks ill, he places his hand on his face) [Colonel James Rhodes] Are you okay? [Tony Stark] I broke the crayon. [Erin] Are you okay, Mr. Stark? [Colonel James Rhodes] Take it easy. Tony... [Little Boy] (the little boy whispers to Tony) How did you get out of the wormhole? How did you get out of the wormhole? (suddenly Tony rises and starts walking off) [Colonel James Rhodes] Wait a minute! Tony! (Rhodes follows Tony as he walks out the bar) [Tony Stark] What'd he say?! [Colonel James Rhodes] Tony! [Tony Stark] Sorry. Have to check on the suit...make sure...okay. (Tony steps into his Iron Man suit that was parked outside the bar and collapses to his knees) [Tony Stark] Check the heart, check the...check the...is it the brain? [JARVIS] No sign of cardiac analomy or unusual brain activity. [Tony Stark] Okay, so I was poisoned? [Jarvis] My diagnosis is that you've experienced a severe anxiety attack. [Tony Stark] Me? (Rhodes knocks on the Iron Suit's head, people have gathered around them watching Tony) [Colonel James Rhodes] Come on, man. This isn't a good look, open up. [Tony Stark] Sorry, I gotta split. (Tony flies off in his suit) (at Stark Industries Hogan points to his badge as walks through the lobby passing the other employees) [Happy Hogan] Badge. Badge. Come on, badge. Badge, guys. I put a memo in the toilet, come on. (referring to Tony's robots as Hogan meets with Pepper) Tony has got them in his basement, they're wearing party hats. This is an asset that we can put to use. [Pepper Potts] Uh-huh. So, you're suggesting that I replace the entire janitorial staff with robots? [Happy Hogan] What I'm saying is that the human element of Human Resources is our biggest point of vulnerability. We should start phasing it out immediately. [Pepper Potts] What!? [Happy Hogan] (to another employee as Hogan walks past them) Excuse me, Bambi. [Pepper Potts] (Hogan points to his badge) Did you just say that? [Happy Hogan] Security. [Pepper Potts] Happy? [Happy Hogan] Yes. [Pepper Potts] Okay, I am thrilled that you're now the Head of Security, okay? It is the perfect position for you. [Happy Hogan] Thank you. [Pepper Potts] However... [Happy Hogan] I do appreciate it [Pepper Potts] Since you've taken the post... [Happy Hogan] You don't have to thank me. [Pepper Potts] We've had a rise in staff complaints of three hundred percent [Happy Hogan] Thank you. [Pepper Potts] That's not a compliment. [Happy Hogan] That's not a compli...? It is a compliment! Clearly somebody's trying to hide something. [Pepper Potts] I... [Pepper's Assistant] Excuse me. [Pepper Potts] Yes? [Pepper's Assistant] Miss Potts, your four o'clock is here. [Pepper Potts] Thank you. [Happy Hogan] Did you clear this four o'clock with me? [Pepper Potts] Happy, we'll talk about this later. But right now I have to go deal with this very annoying thing. (Pepper starts walking towards her office) [Happy Hogan] How so? [Pepper Potts] I used to work with him, and he used to ask me out all the time. So it's a little awkward. (Hogan opens her office glass door and they enter) [Happy Hogan] I don't like the sound of that. (as they step inside, they see Aldrich, looking handsome and fit in a business suit) (Pepper looks shocked at the change in Aldrich's appearance) [Aldrich Killian] Pepper. [Pepper Potts] Killian? [Aldrich Killian] You look great. You look really great. [Pepper Potts] God, you look...you look great. I... I...I can't... What on earth have you been doing? [Aldrich Killian] Nothing fancy, just five years in the hands of physical therapists. And please, call me Aldrich. [Happy Hogan] Uh...you were supposed to be issued a security badge. [Pepper Potts] Happy, it's okay. [Happy Hogan] Yes? [Pepper Potts] We're good. [Happy Hogan] You sure? [Pepper Potts] Yes. Stand down. [Happy Hogan] Okay. I'm gonna linger, right here. [Pepper Potts] Thank you. [Happy Hogan] Okay. (Hogan steps out of Pepper's office and closes the glass door) [Pepper Potts] It's very nice to see you, Killian. (as Hogan waits outside Pepper's office, he sees Aldrich's man sitting in the waiting area) [Happy Hogan] Hey, guy. (Hogan points to his security badge and the guy picks up his badge from the table next to him and holds it up to show Hogan he has a badge; to an employee as they walk past him) [Savin] Merry Christmas. (Hogan looks at him with suspicion) (back in Pepper's office) [Aldrich Killian] After years dodging the President's ban on "immoral biotech research", my think tank now has a little something in the pipeline. It's an idea we like to call Extremis. I'm gonna turn your lights down. (he dims the lights then holds in his hand three small metal balls) [Aldrich Killian] Regard the human brain. (he throws the balls onto the coffee table and as they roll and stop, they project a 3d image into the room) [Aldrich Killian] Uh...wait. Hold on, hold on. That's...that's the universe, my bad. But if I do that... (he presses his projector control which changes the 3d image to show inside of the brain) [Aldrich Killian] That's the brain. Strangely mimetic though, wouldn't you say? Pepper Potts Wow, that's amazing! [Aldrich Killian] Thanks, it's mine. [Pepper Potts] What? [Aldrich Killian] This...you're inside my head. It's a... (he taps behind his ear, referring to something embedded inside his head) [Aldrich Killian] It's a live feed. Come on up, I'll prove it to you. (Aldrich rises from the couch and stands on the coffee table) [Aldrich Killian] Come on. (he helps Pepper to stand on the coffee table next to him, they stand directly in the 3d image) [Aldrich Killian] Now, pinch my arm. I can take it. Pinch me. (Pepper pinches him and immediately something lights up in the 3d image of Aldrich's brain) [Pepper Potts] What is that? [Aldrich Killian] It's the primary somatosensory cortex. It's the brain's pain center. But this is what I wanted to show you. (he turns Pepper round and presses his projector control and starts changing and moving the image with his hand) [Aldrich Killian] Now, Extremis harnesses our bioelectrical potential and it goes...here. This is essentially an empty slot, and what this tells us is that our mind, our entire DNA in fact, is destined to be upgraded. [Pepper Potts] Wow. (as Hogan sits outside Pepper's office, he gets a call on his tablet, he answers the call and holds the tablet high so the camera monitor shows his forehead and eyes) [Happy Hogan] Hello? [Tony Stark] Is this forehead of Security? [Happy Hogan] What? You know, look, I got a real job. What do you want? I'm working, I got something going on here. (we see Tony is in his lab) [Tony Stark] What? Harassing interns? [Happy Hogan] Let me tell you something, you know what happened when I told people I was Iron Man's body guard? They would laugh in my face. (Tony laughs) [Happy Hogan] I had to leave while I still had a shred of dignity. Now I got a real job, I'm watching Pepper. [Tony Stark] What's going on? Fill me in. [Happy Hogan] For real? [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Happy Hogan] Alright, so she's meeting up with this scientist. Rich guy, handsome. [Tony Stark] Right. [Happy Hogan] I couldn't make his face at first, right? You know I'm good with faces. [Tony Stark] Oh, Yeah, yeah. You're the best. [Happy Hogan] Yeah. Well, so I run his credentials, I make him Aldrich Killian. We actually met the guy back in... where were we in '99? The science conference? [Tony Stark] Um...Switzerland. [Happy Hogan] Right, right, exactly. [Tony Stark] Killian? No, I don't remember that guy. [Happy Hogan] Of course you don't. He's not a blond with a big rack. At first it was fine, they were talking business, but now it's like getting weird. He's showing her a big brain. [Tony Stark] His what? [Happy Hogan] Big brain, and she likes it. Here, let me show you. Hold on. See? (he holds his tablet up and points it towards Pepper's glass office, where Aldrich and Pepper are standing close together on the coffee table watching the 3d image of the brain, but all Tony sees is Hogan pointing the tablet camera at himself) [Tony Stark] Look at what? You watching them? Flip the screen and then we can get started. [Happy Hogan] I'm not a tech genius like you. Just...just trust me, get down down here. [Tony Stark] Flip the screen, then I can see what they're doing. [Happy Hogan] I can't! I don't know how to flip the screen! Don't talk to me like that anymore. You're not my boss. (as Hogan is talking, Tony uses his small tablet device to look up Aldrich and finds his photo) [Happy Hogan] Alright, I don't work for you. Now I don't trust this guy. He's got another guy with him, he's shifty. [Tony Stark] Relax. [Happy Hogan] Seriously? [Tony Stark] I'm just asking you to secure the perimeter. Tell him to go out for a drink or something? [Happy Hogan] You know what? You should take more of an interest in what's going on here. This woman... this woman's the best thing that ever happened to you, and you...you're just ignoring her. [Tony Stark] A giant brain? [Happy Hogan] Yeah, there's a giant brain, there's a shifty character. I'm gonna follow this guy. I'm gonna run his plates and if it gets rough, so be it. [Tony Stark] I miss you, Happy. [Happy Hogan] Yeah, I miss you too. But the way it used to be. Now you're off with the 'superfriends', I don't know what's going on with you anymore. The world's getting weird... [Tony Stark] Hey, I...I'd hate to cut you off. Do you have your taser on you? [Happy Hogan] Why? [Tony Stark] I think there's a gal in HR who's trying to steal some printer ink, you should probably go over there and zap her. (he puts his small tablet in his wine fridge and closes it and walks off still with Hogan online) [Happy Hogan] Yeah, nice. (back in Pepper's office after Aldrich has show her his new research) [Aldrich Killian] Imagine if you could hack into the hard drive of any living organism and recode its DNA. [Pepper Potts] It would be incredible. [Aldrich Killian] Mm. [Pepper Potts] Unfortunately, to my ears it also sounds highly weaponizable. As in enhanced soldiers, private armies, and Tony is not... [Aldrich Killian] Tony. Tony. You know, I invited Tony to join AIM thirteen years ago, he turned me down. But something tells me now there is a new genius on the throne who doesn't have to answer to Tony anymore, and who has slightly less of an ego. [Pepper Potts] It's gonna be a no, Aldrich. As much as I'd like to help you. (we see Aldrich leaving the building) [Aldrich Killian] Well, I can't say that I'm not disappointed. But then as my father used to say, 'Failure is the fog through which we glimpse triumph.' [Pepper Potts] That's very deep. [Aldrich Killian] Mm [Pepper Potts] And I have no idea what it means. [Aldrich Killian] Well, me neither. He was kind of an idiot, my old man. (Pepper laughs) [Aldrich Killian] I'm sure I'll see you again, Pepper. (Aldrich kisses her gently on the cheek and Pepper watches him as he walks off, then Pepper notices Hogan coming toward her, Pepper looks flustered) [Pepper Potts] Happy... [Happy Hogan] The car is ready, if you're ready to go. (Pepper glances over to Aldrich as he walks towards his car) [Pepper Potts] Yes. I just um... God, I forgot my... other thing, so... I'm just gonna... (she walks back into the building, Hogan glance over to Aldrich's car and as it drives away, Hogan takes a photo of the license plate) (later Pepper returns to Tony's home, as she gets out of the car she sees a large stuffed rabbit outside the house that Tony has bought for her as a gift, she walks inside) [Pepper Potts] I'm sorry I'm late. I was... What the...? What is that?! (she notices Tony sat in his Iron Man suit on the couch) [Pepper Potts] You're wearing this in the house now? What is that, like Mark 15? (Tony looks at the small number marked 42 on the suit) [Tony Stark] Uh...yeah. Something like that. You know everybody needs a hobby. [Pepper Potts] Oh, and you have to wear your hobby in the living room? (Tony rises and walks toward her) [Tony Stark] Just breakin' it in. You know, it's always a little pinchy in the gooey bag at first, so. (Tony shakes his ass and Pepper laughs) [Tony Stark] Oh hey, did you see your Christmas present? [Pepper Potts] Yes, I did. I...I don't know how I could have missed that Christmas present. Is it gonna fit through the door? [Tony Stark] Well actually, uh...it's a good question. I got a team of guys comin' tomorrow, they're gonna blow out that wall. [Pepper Potts] Okay. [Tony Stark] So, uh...tense? Good day? (Tony walks up behind her and starts massaging her shoulders) [Tony Stark] Ooh shoulders, a little naughty. Naughty girl. I don't wanna harp on this, but did you like the custom rabbit? [Pepper Potts] Did I like it? [Tony Stark] Nailed it, right? [Pepper Potts] Wow. I appreciate the thought very much. (Pepper turns to face Tony, she rises from her seat and stands close to him) [Pepper Potts] So why don't you lift up that face mask and give me a kiss? (Tony knocks the metal helmet on his head) [Tony Stark] Huh. Yup, dammit. No can do. You wanna just kiss it on the... [Pepper Potts] Uh-huh. [Tony Stark] The facial slit? [Pepper Potts] Well, why don't I run down to the garage and see if I can't find a crowbar to shimmy that thing open? [Tony Stark] Crowbar. Yeah. (Pepper starts walking towards Tony's lab) [Tony Stark] Oh, except there's been a...uh...a radiation leak. [Pepper Potts] I'll take my chances. [Tony Stark] That's risky. (Pepper walks down the stairs to Tony's lab) [Tony Stark] At least let me get you like a Hazmat suit or a Geiger counter or something like that. (Pepper sees Tony is in fact not in his Iron Man suit, but in the lab exercising as he remotely controls the suit, which follows Pepper into the lab) [Tony Stark] Busted. [Pepper Potts] This is a new level of lame. [Tony Stark] Sorry. (Pepper notices the food tray in the corner) [Pepper Potts] You ate without me, already? On date night? [Tony Stark] (referring to Mark 42 suit) He was just... [Pepper Potts] You mean you? [Tony Stark] Well, yeah. I just mean we were just...just hosting you while I finished up a little work. [Pepper Potts] Uh-huh. [Tony Stark] And yes, I had a quick bite. I didn't know if you were comin' home or if you were having drinks with Aldrich Killian. (Mark 42 suit turns its face toward her, as if to look at her accusingly) [Pepper Potts] What? [Tony Stark] What? [Pepper Potts] Aldrich Killian? What are you checking up on me? [Tony Stark] Happy was concerned. [Pepper Potts] No, you're spying on me. [Tony Stark] I wasn't... [Pepper Potts] I'm going to bed. (Pepper turns and starts walking off) [Tony Stark] Hold on. Come on. Pep. (as Pepper starts walking upstairs) [Tony Stark] Hey, I admit it! My fault. Sorry. (Pepper stops and looks at him) [Tony Stark] I'm a piping hot mess. It's been going on for a while, I haven't said anything. (Pepper walks back down) [Tony Stark] Nothing's been the same since New York. [Pepper Potts] Oh really? Well, I didn't notice that, at all. [Tony Stark] You experience things and then they're over and you still can't explain 'em. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I...I'm just a man in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you, I'm lucky. But, honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here. I do what I know, I tinker. (he pauses for a moment and sits down) [Tony Stark] But threat is imminent, and I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you. My suits, they're uh... [Pepper Potts] Machines. [Tony Stark] They're part of me. [Pepper Potts] A distraction. [Tony Stark] Maybe. (Pepper walks towards Tony and they hold each other. He rests his head against her chest and she removes his headband that controls the Iron Man suits) [Pepper Potts] I'm gonna take a shower. [Tony Stark] Okay. (Pepper turns to walk off, then stops and looks at him) [Pepper Potts] And you're gonna join me. [Tony Stark] Better. (later that night, as Tony and Pepper are sleeping, Tony starts having nightmares about when he was in New York with The Avengers and had to get rid of the nuke in space, Pepper wakes and starts to shake Tony awake) [Pepper Potts] Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony... (suddenly Pepper gets grabbed and shoved off Tony by Mark 42 suit, this wakes Tony who commands the suit) [Tony Stark] Power down! (the suit shuts down and Tony hits it making its pieces fall apart, he looks over at Pepper who is in shock) [Tony Stark] I must have called it in my sleep. That's not supposed to happen. I'll recalibrate the sensors. Can we just...just let me...just let me catch my breath, okay? (Pepper rises and starts to leave) [Tony Stark] Don't go, alright? Pepper? [Pepper Potts] I'm going to sleep downstairs. Tinker with that. (Pepper leaves the room) (at the Chinese theater in Los Angeles, we see Aldrich's henchman meet a man who's sat outside the theater) [Savin] Can you regulate? [Taggert] Yes, I can regulate. [Savin] Are you sure about that? [Taggert] Yes. (Hogan who's been following Savin, keeps an eye on him from a distance, he sees Savin giving the man a briefcase) [Savin] It's a decent batch. Don't say I never did nothin' for you. [Taggert] Thank you...I mean for understanding. (Savin walks off, Hogan walks towards Taggert and as Taggert rises to leave Hogan bumps into him which knock the briefcase out of Taggert's hand, falling open on to the ground) [Happy Hogan] I'm sorry, buddy. (Hogan helps him put the stuff back in the suitcase, and as he looks at Taggert he notices that he is glowing red, Hogan starts to walk off taking one of the items from the suitcase, but suddenly Savin bumps into him) [Savin] What are you doin', buddy? You out by yourself? A little date night? Watching your favorite chick flick maybe? [Happy Hogan] Yeah, a little movie called "The Party's Over", starring you and your junkie girlfriend, and here's the ticket. (Hogan shows him what he took from Taggert's suitcase) [Savin] No kidding? That doesn't belong to you. (Savin goes to take the item from Hogan's hand, but Hogan punches Savin in the face twice, Hogan notices Savin's face glow red and heal, then Savin grabs hold of Hogan and with super strength throws him aside, as Savin walks towards Hogan, Taggert begins to glow red and turn super hot) [Taggert] Savin! [Savin] What? [Taggert] Help! Help me! (Taggert suddenly explodes, causing a massive explosion inside the theater which wounds Hogan, as he lies injured, Hogan sees Savin, also glowing red and then healing and walking off as if nothing has happened) (we see another TV footage from The Mandarin) [The Mandarin] True story about fortune cookies. They look Chinese, they sound Chinese, but they're actually an American invention. Which is why they're hollow, full of lies, and leave a bad taste in the mouth. My disciples just destroyed another cheap American knock-off, The Chinese Theater. Mr. President, I know this must be getting frustrating, but this season of terror is drawing to a close. And don't worry, the big one is coming; your graduation. (as Hogan lies in hospital critically injured, Tony is sat in his room when a nurse walks in to check on Hogan) [Tony Stark] Hi. [Happy's Nurse] Oh. [Tony Stark] (referring to the TV) Uh...mind leaving that on? [Happy's Nurse] Sure. (Tony rises from his seat) [Tony Stark] Sunday night's PBS 'Downtown Abbey'. That's his show, he thinks it's elegant. (he pauses for a moment) One more thing...make sure everyone wears their badges. He's a stickler for that sort of thing, plus my guys won't let anyone in without them. (Tony turns to leave) (news reporters are all waiting for Tony outside the hospital) [Hospital News Reporter] We're awaiting the arrival of Tony Stark. We're hoping he'll give us the reaction...his reaction to the latest attack. (Tony walks out and all the reporters swarm toward him) Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! Our sources are telling us that this is another Mandarin attack. Anything else you can tell us? (Tony ignores the questions and walks toward his car) [Pushy Tabloid Reporter] Hey, Mr. Stark! When is somebody gonna kill this guy? Just sayin'. (Tony turns to face the reporter) [Tony Stark] Is that what you want? Here's a little Holiday greeting I've been wanting to send to the Mandarin. I just didn't know how to phrase it until now. My name is Tony Stark and I'm not afraid of you. I know you're a coward, so I've decided (He removes his sunglasses and stares into the phone's camera) that you just died, pal. I'm gonna come get the body. There's no politics here; it's just good old-fashioned revenge. There's no Pentagon; it's just you and me. And on the off-chance you're a man, here's my home address: 10-8-80, Malibu Point, 9-0-2-6-5. I'll leave the door unlocked. (to the reporter) That's what you wanted, right? (He takes the phone and throws it at a wall) Bill me. (Tony gets in his car and drives off) (as Tony is working his lab) [JARVIS] I've compiled a Mandarin database for you, sir. Drawn from S.H.I.E.L.D., F.B.I., and C.I.A. intercepts. Initiating virtual crime scene reconstruction. (Tony starts looking at all the data gathered) [Tony Stark] Okay, what do we got here? His name is an ancient Chinese war mantle, meaning "adviser to the King". South American insurgency tactics, talks like a Baptist preacher. There's lots of pageantry going on here...lots of theater. (Tony pushes the virtual information down to close) Close. (Tony looks at the virtual crime scene reconstruction) [JARVIS] The heat from the blast was in excess of 3000 degrees Celsius. Any subjects within 12.5 yards were vaporized instantly. [Tony Stark] No bomb parts found in a three mile radius of the Chinese theater. [JARVIS] No, sir. [Tony Stark] Talk to me, Happy. (in the virtual reconstruction, Tony sees Hogan pointing his finger at some dog tags) When is a bomb not a bomb? (Tony picks up the virtual image of the dog tags to investigate them further) When is a bomb not a bomb? (Tony picks up the virtual image of the dog tags to investigate them further) Any military victims? [JARVIS] Not according to public records, sir. [Tony Stark] Bring up the thermogenic signatures again, factor in three thousand degrees. [JARVIS] The oracle cloud has completed analysis. Accessing satellites and plotting the last twelve months of thermogenic occurrence now. [Tony Stark] Take away everywhere that there's been a Mandarin attack. (Tony looks at the information popping up) Nope. (he sees an attack in Rose Hill, Tennessee) That. You sure that's not one of his? [JARVIS] It predates any known Mandarin attack. The incident was the use of a bomb to assist a suicide. [Tony Stark] Bring her around. [JARVIS] The heat signature is remarkably similar. Three thousand degrees Celsius. (Tony looks at all the information being presented on the Tennessee attack) [Tony Stark] That's two military guys. Ever been to Tennessee, Jarvis? [JARVIS] Creating a flight plan for Tennessee. (as Tony is about to get ready to leave for Tennessee, he hears his door bell ring) [Tony Stark] Are we still at "ding-dong"? We're supposed to be on total security lock down. Come on, I threatened a terrorist. Who is that? [JARVIS] There's only so much I can do, sir, when you give the world's press your home address. (we see Maya standing outside Tony's house, the glass doors are opened and she enters) [Tony Stark] Right there's fine. (Tony dressed in his Iron Man suit walks toward her) You're not the Mandarin, are you? Are you? [Maya Hansen] You don't remember. Why am I not surprised? [Tony Stark] Don't take it personally, I don't remember what I had for breakfast. [JARVIS] Gluten-free waffles, sir. [Tony Stark] That's right. [Maya Hansen] Okay, look, I need to be alone with you. Someplace not here, it's urgent. [Tony Stark] Normally, I'd go for that sort of thing, but now I'm in a committed relationship. (as he turns to walk into the living room, two bags are thrown down from the above balcony) It's...with her. [Pepper Potts] Tony, is somebody there? (Tony steps out of his suit) [Tony Stark] Yeah, it's Maya Hansen. (Maya smiles) Old botanist pal that I used to know, barely. (as Pepper starts walking downstairs, Tony moves towards Maya and speaks quietly) Please don't tell me that there is a twelve year-old kid waiting in the car that I've never met. [Maya Hansen] He's thirteen. And no, I need your help. [Tony Stark] What...what for? Why now? [Maya Hansen] Because I read the papers, and, frankly, I don't think you'll last the week. [Tony Stark] I'll be fine. [Pepper Potts] I'm sorry. With Happy in the hospital, I didn't know we were expecting guests. [Tony Stark] We weren't. [Maya Hansen] No, I... [Pepper Potts] And old girlfriends! [Tony Stark] She's not really. [Maya Hansen] No, not really. It...it was just one night. [Tony Stark] Yep. [Pepper Potts] That's how you did it, isn't it? Yep. [Tony Stark] It was a great night. [Pepper Potts] Well, you know... [Maya Hansen] Yeah. [Pepper Potts] You have saved yourself a world of pain. [Maya Hansen] I'm sure. [Tony Stark] What? [Pepper Potts] Trust me. (to Tony) We're going out of town. [Tony Stark] Okay, we've been through this. Nope. [Pepper Potts] Yep! [Tony Stark] The man says no. [Pepper Potts] Immediately and indefinitely! [Tony Stark] Honey... [Maya Hansen] Great idea. Let's go. [Tony Stark] I'm sorry. That's a terrible idea. Please don't touch her bags. [Pepper Potts] Tony, this is how normal people behave. [Tony Stark] I can't protect you out there. I challenged... (Maya notices giant stuffed rabbit Tony had bought for Pepper) [Maya Hansen] Is...is that normal? [Tony Stark] Yes, this is normal! [Pepper Potts] Sadly, that...is very normal. [Tony Stark] It's a big bunny, relax about it! [Pepper Potts] Calm down! [Tony Stark] I got this for you. [Pepper Potts] I'm aware of that. [Tony Stark] You still haven't even told me that you liked it! [Pepper Potts] I don't like it! [Tony Stark] I asked you three... You don't like it?! (as Tony and Pepper are bickering, Maya notices on the TV that helicopters are coming toward Tony's home) [Pepper Potts] Tony, we are leaving the house; that's not even up for discussion. [Tony Stark] I said no. [Maya Hansen] Guys, can we um... [Tony Stark] What? [Maya Hansen] (she points to the bomb heading straight for the house) Do we need to worry about that? (The house is suddenly hit, as everything explodes around them, Tony manages to get his Iron Man suit onto Pepper to protect her from the fall, Tony looks over to Maya, who's lying unconscious on the ground, as the ceiling is about to fall on Tony, Pepper saves him with the Iron Man suit) [Pepper Potts] I got you. [Tony Stark] I got you first. Like I said, we can't stay here. (the helicopters starts shooting at the house) Move! I'm right behind! (as they run to get out, the floor between Pepper and Tony collapses) Get her, I'm gonna find a way around. (Pepper hesitates) Stop stopping! Get her, get outside! Go! (Pepper manages to grab Maya and use the Iron Man suit to get them safely out of the house, but the house gets further destroyed as the helicopters continue to fire on it) [Pepper Potts] Oh my God. Tony! (back inside as the house is being destroyed around Tony) [JARVIS] Sir, Miss Potts is clear of the structure. (Tony motions for his Iron Man suit to come off Pepper and onto him) [Tony Stark] Jarvis, where's my flight power?! [JARVIS] Working on it, sir. This is a prototype. (Tony manages to fire a piano at a helicopter to destroy it) [Tony Stark] That's one. [JARVIS] Sir, the suit is not combat-ready. (Tony manages to get away from the bullets being fired at him from one of the remaining helicopters and again uses his suit to bring down the helicopter) [Tony Stark] That's two. (as the helicopter explodes it crashes into the house, the remaining helicopter continues on shooting at the house, finally the remains of house with Tony inside fall into the ocean, Pepper runs to the edge of the cliff and looks down into the ocean. In the water, Tony starts to feel like he's drowning) [Pepper Potts] Tony! [JARVIS] Sir, take a deep breath. (after a few moments Tony's suit gets its flight power activated by Jarvis) Flight power restored. (finally Tony manages to fly out of the ocean.) (The screen goes black) [JARVIS] Sir. Sir! [Tony Stark] Alright, kill the alarm. I got it. [JARVIS] That's the emergency alert triggered by the power dropping below five percent. (Tony notices that he's flying through the snow at night, he falls and crashes into the ground in the middle of a forest, he takes off his face helmet as he lies on the ground catching his breath) [Tony Stark] It's snowing, right? Where are we, upstate? [JARVIS] We're five miles outside of Rose Hills, Tennessee. [Tony Stark] Why?! Jarvis! Not my idea! What are we doing here? This is thousands of miles away, I gotta get Pepper, I gotta... [JARVIS] I prepared a flight plan. This was the location. [Tony Stark] Who asked you? Open the suit. [JARVIS] I...I think I may be malfunctioning, sir. [Tony Stark] Open eject. (the suit gets off Tony and he sits up) That's brisk! (as Tony starts to feel the cold weather.) Maybe I'll just cozy back up for a bit. [JARVIS] I actually think I need to sleep now, sir. (the suit loses power) [Tony Stark] Jarvis. Jarvis? Don't leave me, buddy. (Tony drags the suit to a petrol station and makes a call to Pepper) [Computer Voice] Stark Secure Server: Now transferring to all known receivers. [Tony Stark] Pepper, it's me. I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time. So first off, I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. Also, it's Christmas time, the rabbit's too big. Done. Sorry. And I'm sorry in advance because...I can't come home yet. I need to find this guy. You gotta stay safe. That's all I know. I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian. (Tony drags the suit to an abandoned looking farmhouse, he places the suit on a couch and sits next to it) Let's get you comfy. (he places its hand by its side) You happy now? (as Tony tries to fix the micro-repeater implants in his arm, a boy stands by the doorway and points his toy gun at Tony) [Harley Keener] Freeze! Don't move. [Tony Stark] You got me. Nice potato gun. Barrel's a little long. Between that and the wide gauge, it's gonna diminish your FPS. (the boy points his gun at a glass on a shelf and shoots at it, breaking the glass) And now you're out of ammo. [Harley Keener] What's that thing on your chest? [Tony Stark] It's a electromagnet. You should know, you've got a box of them right here. [Harley Keener] What does it power? (Tony stands and points the desk light at his suit sitting on the couch behind him) Oh my God! (Harley drops his toy gun and takes a step towards Tony) Oh my god! That... that's... Is that Iron Man? [Tony Stark] Technically, I am. [Harley Keener] Technically, you're dead. (he give Tony a newspaper which has Tony's picture with the headline 'Mandarin Attack: Stark presumed dead') [Tony Stark] A valid point. [Harley Keener] (referring to the suit as he sits next to it on the couch checking it out) What happened to him? [Tony Stark] Life. I built him, I take care of him, I'll fix him. [Harley Keener] Like a mechanic? [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Harley Keener] Oh. If I was building Iron Man and War Machine. [Tony Stark] (Interupting Harley) It's Iron Patriot now. [Harley Keener] That's way cooler! [Tony Stark] No, it's not. [Harley Keener] Anyways, I would have added in um... the retro... [Tony Stark] Retroreflective panels? [Harley Keener] To make him stealth mode. [Tony Stark] You want a stealth mode? [Harley Keener] Cool, right? [Tony Stark] That's actually a good idea. Maybe I'll build one. [Harley Keener] (as he touches the suit, Harley accidentally snaps off one of its fingers) Oops! [Tony Stark] Not a good idea! What are you doing? You're gonna break his finger? He's in pain, he's been injured. Leave him alone. [Harley Keener] S...Sorry. [Tony Stark] Are you? Don't worry about it, I'll fix it. So, uh, who's home? [Harley Keener] Well, my mom already left for the diner and dad went to 7-Eleven to get scratchers. I... I guess he won, 'cause that was six years ago. [Tony Stark] Mm. Which happens, dads leave. No need to be a pussy about it. Here's what I need: a laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, the pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there, a map of town, a big spring, and a tuna fish sandwich. [Harley Keener] What's in it for me? [Tony Stark] Salvation. What's his name? [Harley Keener] Who? [Tony Stark] The kid that bullies you at school, what's his name? [Harley Keener] How'd you know that? [Tony Stark] I got just the thing. (he opens a compartment on the suit and takes out a metal object) This is a pinata for a cricket. I'm kidding, it's a very powerful weapon. Point it away from your face, press the button on top. It discourages bullying. Non-lethal, just to cover one's ass. (Harley reaches out to take it, but Tony pulls his hand away) Deal? Deal? What'd you say? [Harley Keener] Deal. [Tony Stark] Deal? (Tony gives the object to Harley) What's you're name? [Harley Keener] Harley. And you're... [Tony Stark] The mechanic. Tony (Tony looks at Harley for a moment) You know what keeps going through my head? Where's my sandwich? (back at Tony's house, which is now surrounded by emergency rescue and news reporters, Pepper stands alone and looks out across the ocean. She sees one of Tony's shattered Iron Man helmets and pulls it towards her, her forehead resting against the helmet's. She sees a red flashing light inside the helmet and as she puts the helmet on she receives the message Tony had left her earlier) [Computer Voice] Stark Secure Server. Retinal scan: Verified. [Tony Stark] Pepper, it's me. (Pepper gasps and smiles) I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time. So first off, I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. (later that night as Pepper drives Maya home) [Pepper Potts] Why were you at the house tonight? What was so important that you had to speak to Tony? [Maya Hansen] (A beat) I think that my boss is working for the Mandarin. So if you still want to talk about it, I suggest that we get ourselves someplace safe. [Pepper Potts] Your boss works for the Mandarin, you think? But Tony says you're a botanist, so... [Maya Hansen] That figures. What I actually am is a biological DNA coder running a team of forty out of a privately-funded think tank, but sure you can call me a botanist. [Pepper Potts] This boss of yours, does he have a name? [Maya Hansen] Yeah, Aldrich Killian. (Pepper looks at her in shock) (we see Aldrich talking on the phone to Savin) [Savin] Well, we took the house down, sir... [Aldrich Killian] Mmhmm. [Savin] But there's no sign of a body. [Aldrich Killian] I see. [Savin] No Stark. [Aldrich Killian] I have to go. (Aldrich rises from his seat walks towards another room) The Master is about to record and he's a little... Well, you know how he gets. Keep your appointment tonight and call me when it's done. (Aldrich walks into a room which has been set up as a set with all of Mandarin's props in place and camera crew ready to record Mandarin's message) Alright everybody. No talking and no eye contact, unless you wanna get shot in the face. (we then see the Mandarin arrive with his entourage and enter the house) [Mandarin Look-Out] The Master is travelling. (the Mandarin arrives on set and takes a sit, he looks at Aldrich) [The Mandarin] Well then. What are we waiting for? (in Rose Hills, Tennessee, Tony and Harley walk in town at night) [Tony Stark] The sandwich was fair, the spring was a little rusty, the rest of the materials, I'll make do. By the way, when you said your sister had a watch, I was kinda hoping for something a little more than that. (he pulls his sleeve up and we see he's wearing a little girl's pink watch, Harley laughs) [Harley Keener] She's six! Anyway, it's limited edition. When can we talk about New York? [Tony Stark] Maybe never, relax about it. [Harley Keener] What about The Avengers, can you talk about them? [Tony Stark] I don't know, later. Hey kid, give me a little space. (they stop and Tony looks at the remains of the local explosion site that Tony came to investigate) What's the official story here? What happened? [Harley Keener] I guess this guy named Chad Davis, used to live roundabouts, won a bunch of medals in the army. One day, folks said he went crazy and made, you know, a bomb. Then he blew himself up right here. (Tony looks around at the remains) [Tony Stark] Six people died, right? [Harley Keener] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Including Chad Davis? [Harley Keener] Yeah. (Tony keeps looking around at the remains of the explosion site) [Tony Stark] Yeah. That doesn't make sense. (he sits next to Harley) Think about it. Six dead, only five shadows. [Harley Keener] Yeah, people said these shadows are like the mark of souls gone to Heaven. Except the bomb guy, he went to Hell on account of he didn't get a shadow. That's why there's only five. [Tony Stark] Do you buy that? [Harley Keener] That's what everyone says. You know what this crater reminds me of? [Tony Stark] No idea. I'm not...I don't care. [Harley Keener] That giant wormhole, in um...in New York. Does it remind you? [Tony Stark] That's manipulative. I don't want to talk about it. [Harley Keener] Are they coming back? The aliens? [Tony Stark] Maybe. Can you stop? Remember when I told you, that I have an anxiety issue? [Harley Keener] Does this subject make you...make you edgy? [Tony Stark] Yeah, a little bit. Can I just catch my breath for a second? [Harley Keener] Are there bad guys in Rose Hills? Do you...do you need a plastic bag to breathe into? Do you have medication? [Tony Stark] Nope. [Harley Keener] Do you need to be on it? [Tony Stark] Probably. [Harley Keener] Do you have PTSD? [Tony Stark] I don't think so. [Harley Keener] Are you...are you going completely mental? I can stop, do you want me to stop? Do you want me to stop? [Tony Stark] Remember when I said to stop doing that? I swear to God, you're going to freak me out! (Tony, looking agitated, suddenly rises) Ah man, you did it, didn't you? You happy now? [Harley Keener] What did I say? (Tony starts running off and Harley runs after him) Hey, wait up! Wait, wait. (Tony stops running and Harley catches up with him) What the hell was that? (Tony holds his face in his hands for a moment and then throws some snow at Harley) [Tony Stark] Your fault, you spazzed me out. Okay, back to business. Where were we? The guy who died...relatives? Mom? Mrs. Davis, where is she? [Harley Keener] Where she always is. [Tony Stark] See, now you're being helpful. (later we see Tony walking towards a bar and he bumps into a woman) Sorry. (the woman drops something) Lady, this uh... (he picks up the item and hands it back to the woman) [Brandt] Thank you. (Tony notices the woman has burn marks on one side of her face) [Tony Stark] Nice haircut, suits you. [Brandt] Nice watch. [Tony Stark] Yeah, limited edition. [Brandt] Oh, I don't doubt it. (there's a moment's pause) Well, have a good evening. (the woman turns and walks off) (Tony enters the bar and walks up to Mrs. Davis, who's sat at table drinking alone) [Tony Stark] Mrs. Davis, mind if I join you? [Mrs. Davis] Free country. [Tony Stark] It sure is. (Tony sits next to her, Mrs. Davis looks at Tony for a moment) [Mrs. Davis] Alright. Where'd you like to start? [Tony Stark] I just want to say I'm sorry about your loss. I want to know what you think happened. [Mrs. Davis] Look, I brought your damn file. You take it and go. (she drops the file in front of him) Whatever was in here, he wanted no part of it. (Tony opens the file) [Tony Stark] Clearly, you're waiting for someone else. Yeah? Supposed to meet somebody here? [Mrs. Davis] Yeah. (Tony looks at the file again and notices a photo of Taggart next to the photo of Chad) [Tony Stark] Mrs. Davis, your son didn't kill himself, I guarantee you. He didn't kill anyone. Someone used him. [Mrs. Davis] What? [Tony Stark] As a weapon. [Mrs. Davis] You're not the person who called me after all, are you? (suddenly a cell phone is slammed on their table) [Brandt] Actually, I am. (Tony looks up and it's the woman he bumped into outsid the bar) (suddenly Brandt grabs hold of Tony's arm and twists it, slamming his head onto the table, Tony manages to quickly grab hold of Chad's dog tags that were on the table) [Rose Hills Sheriff] Hey, hey, hey! What's all this about? What the hell's going on here? [Brandt] It's called an arrest. (she pushes Tony to the ground and steps towards the Sheriff) Sheriff, is it? [Rose Hills Sheriff] Yes ma'am, it is. And you are? [Brandt] Homeland Security. (she holds up her badge) We good here? [Rose Hills Sheriff] No, we're not good. I need a little more information than that. [Brandt] Well, I think it's a little above your pay grade, Sheriff. [Rose Hills Sheriff] Yeah, well, why don't you get on the horn to Nashville and uh...upgrade me? (Tony gestures to Mrs. Davis to hide the file, she pushes it under the bar) [Brandt] Alright, you know what? I was hoping to do this the smart way, but uh...the fun way's always good. (Tony notices her hand turning red hot, burning the badge in her hand) [Rose Hills Sheriff] Deputy, get this woman and... (suddenly Brandt shoves the hot badge into the Sheriff's face, she takes his gun and shoots him, Tony runs out of the bar and Brandt follows him, he turns to her) [Tony Stark] Hey hot wings, you wanna party? You and me, let's go. (as Tony turns to run again he sees Savin getting out of a car and walk towards him, as Savin gets his gun out to shoot at him, Tony runs off and Harley throws something at Savin to make him miss Tony, Tony stops behind a car and sees a man hiding low on the ground) Crazy, huh? [Rose Hill Christmas Tree Shopper] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Watch this. (Tony smashes into the window of a shop) (as Tony and Brandt are fighting in the shop, Tony starts a fire in shop) You walked right into this one, I've dated hotter chicks than you. (Tony puts Chad's dog tags into the microwave and he turns on the gas) [Brandt] That's all you got? Cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner? [Tony Stark] Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography. (Tony quickly leaves through the back door, as the dog tags heat up in the microwave they start sparking up fire, Brandt realizes the gas has been left on and suddenly the shop explodes killing Brandt) (Tony stumbles out of the shop as people run past. A watertank falls down and traps Tony's leg. He finds that Savin has grabbed Harley) [Harley Keener] Let me go! (Savin mocks Harley) [Savin] Help me! Help me! (as Tony's leg is trapped under some rubble, Savin sits in front of him with Harley sat on his lap) Hey kid, what would you like for Christmas? [Harley Keener] Mr. Stark, I am so sorry! [Savin] Oh. No, no. I think he was trying to say, "I want my god damn file." [Tony Stark] It's not your fault, kid. Remember what I told you about bullies. (Harley uses the gadget Tony gave him earlier and runs away) Do you like that, Westworld? That's the thing about smart guys, we always cover our ass. (Tony brings up his hand and reveals his Iron Man suit hand. He fires at Savin and sends him flying backwards. Tony makes his way out of the rubble before leaving.) [Harley Keener] You're welcome [Tony Stark] For what? Did I miss something? [Harley Keener] Me saving your life [Tony Stark] Yeah. A, saved you first. B, thanks, sort of. And C, if you do someone a solid, don't be a yutz, alright? Just play it cool otherwise you come off grandiose. [Harley Keener] Unlike you? Admit it, you need me. We're connected. [Tony Stark] What I need is for you to go home, be with your mom, keep your trap shut, guard the suit and stay connected to the telephone because if I call, you better pick up. Okay, can you feel that? We're done here. Move it out the way or I'm going to run you over. Bye kid. (Tony gets in his car) I'm sorry, kid, you did good. [Harley Keener] So now you're just going to leave me here, like my dad? [Tony Stark] Yep (A beat) Wait, you're guilt tripping me, aren't you? [Harley Keener] (Childishly) I'm cold. [Tony Stark] (Mocking him) I can tell. You know how I can tell? Cus we're connected. (Tony drives away) [Harley Keener] It was worth a shot. (Savin wakes up, coughing and healed from Extremis. His face glows red.) (During an advert, the Mandarin takes over the satellite.) [Government Employee] Mr Vice President, I think you should see this. [Vice President] Oh god, not again. Is the President getting this? (On a plane, the President looks at a TV is shock.) [The Mandarin] Mr President. Only two lessons remain and I intend to finish this before Christmas morning. Meet Thomas Richards. (The screen zooms out to show a man lying on the floor while Mandarin points a gun at him) Good strong name. Good strong job. Thomas, here, is an accountant for the Roxxon Oil Corporation. (Thomas sobs) But I'm sure he's a really good guy. I'm going to shoot him in the head, live on your television in 30 seconds. [Thomas Richards] No! [The Mandarin] The number for this telephone is in your cell phone. Exciting, isn't it, imagining how it got there? America, if your president calls me in the next half-minute, Tom lives. Go! [Government Official #1] How did he hack my phone? [Government Official #2] We can't allow terrorists to dictate... [President Ellis] I have to make this call. [Government Official #2] I'd strongly advise against that. [President Ellis] This is the right thing to do. (The phone rings but Mandarin doesn't answer. He waits for a few seconds before firing the gun.) [The Mandarin] There's just one lesson left, President Ellis. So run away, hide, kiss your children goodbye. Because nothing, not your army, not your red, white and blue attack dog, can save you. I'll see you soon. [President Ellis] Tell Rhodes, find this lunatic right now. [Military Aide] Sir, we tracked the broadcast signal. We have a possible point of origin in Pakistan and the Patriot is ready to strike. [President Ellis] Right now. [Military Aide] Yes, sir. (Tony Stark is reading over some files in a car. He sighs.) [Tony Stark] Man. Happy, Happy, Happy- (Rhodey, suited in his Iron Patriot armor, kicks down a door & marches forwards.) [Rhodey] Don't move! (His phone rings.) Uh... Hang on a second. Hello? [Tony Stark] You ever have a chick straddling you and you look up and suddenly she's glowing from the inside out, kind of a bright orange? [Rhodey] Yeah, I've had that. Who is this? [Tony Stark] It's me, pal. Now, last time I went missing, if I remember correctly, you came looking for me. What are you doing? [Rhodey] A little knock-and-talk, making friends in Pakistan. What are you doing? [Tony Stark] Your redesign, your big rebrand, that was AIM, right? [Rhodey] Yeah. [Tony Stark] I'm gonna find a heavy-duty comm sat right now, I need your login. [Rhodey] It's the same as it's always been, "WarMachine68." [Tony Stark] And password, please. [Rhodey] Well, look, I gotta change it every time you hack in, Tony. [Tony Stark] It's not the '80s, nobody says "hack" any more. Give me your login. (Rhodey sighs.) [Rhodey] "WAR MACHINE ROX" with an "X," all caps. [Tony Stark] (He's laughing.) That is so much better than "lron Patriot." [EMCEE] Very nice. Very nice. I have one question for you. What would you like for Christmas this year? [Elk Ridge] Well, David... [Crew] Do not erase a programme from my DVR unless you are 100% sure... [EMCEE] One more time! Ms Elk Ridge, everybody! All right. [Cameraman] Because you erase my shows! [Tony Stark] That ain't gonna cut it. [Cameraman] We talked about this. Excuse me, sir. I don't know who... (Tony turns around.) [Tony Stark] Shh. [Cameraman] Mom, I need to call you back. Something magical is happening. Tony Stark is in my van. [Tony Stark] Shh. Keep it down. [Cameraman] Tony Stark is in my van! [Tony Stark] No, he's not. [Cameraman] I knew you were still alive! [Tony Stark] Come on in. Close the door. (The cameraman gets in the van & closes the door.) Shh... [Cameraman] Oh, wow. Can I just say, sir... [Tony Stark] Yep. [Cameraman] I am your biggest fan. [Tony Stark] Okay. First, is this your van? Is anyone else gonna come in? [Cameraman] No, no, no. Just us. [Tony Stark] Great. What's your name? [Cameraman] Gary [Tony Stark] Gary? [Gary] Oh, wow. [Tony Stark] Right there is fine. [Gary] Okay. [Tony Stark] Okay? I get a lot of this, it's okay. [Gary] Oh, good. Can I just say? [Tony Stark] What do you want? [Gary] Yeah. I don't know if you can tell, but I have, like, patterned my whole look after you. My hair's a little... [Tony Stark] It's fine. [Gary] It's not right, 'cause there's no product in it. [Tony Stark] Right. [Gary] I don't want to make things awkward for you, but I do have to show you... Boom! [Tony Stark] A Hispanic Scott Baio. I'm sorry. Is that me? [Gary] Yeah. It's... I mean... I had them do it off a doll that I made, so it's not like it's off a picture. So it's a little bit... [Tony Stark] Gary. Listen to me, okay? I don't want to clip your wings, here. We're both a little over-excited. I got an issue. I'm chasing bad guys. I'm trying to grab a little something from some hard-crypt data files. I don't have enough juice. I need you to jump on the roof... Right? Recalibrate the lSDNs. Pump it up by about 40%. [Gary] Got it. [Tony Stark] All right? It's a mission. [Gary] Yeah. [Tony Stark] Tony needs Gary. [Gary] And Gary needs Tony. [Tony Stark] Be quiet about it. Go. [Gary] Yeah. (Tony types on the keyboard & accesses the files he needs. A video starts playing.) [Aldrich Killian] What would you regard as the defining moment of your life? [Chad Davis] Well, uh, I think that would be the day I decided not to let my injury beat me. (Tony types again and another video shows up.) [Aldrich Killian] Will you please state your name for the camera? [Brandt] Ellen Brandt. [Aldrich Killian] Okay. So, the injections are administered periodically. Addiction will not be tolerated. And those who cannot regulate will be out from the programme. (More typing, another video.) Once misfits, cripples... You are the next iteration of human evolution. Everybody, before we start... I promise you, looking back at your life, there will be nothing as bitter as the memory of that glorious risk you prudently elected to forego. Today is your glory- Let's begin. (Brandt's missing arm grows back as she glows red. The other volunteers glow red & scream too.) We gotta get out of here! We gotta get out of here! Get her out! Get them out of here! (One of the volunteers exploads.) [Tony Stark] (He's muttering.) A bomb is not a bomb when it's a misfire. The stuff doesn't always work. Right, pal? It's faulty, but you found a buyer, didn't you? Sold it to the Mandarin. Got you, pal. (Pepper and Maya are in a bedroom talking.) [Maya Hansen] What happened? Fun fact. Before he built rockets for the Nazis, the idealistic Wernher von Braun dreamed of space travel. He stargazed. Do you know what he said when the first V-2 hit London? "The rocket performed perfectly. It just landed on the wrong planet." See, we all begin wide-eyed. Pure science. And then the ego steps in, the obsession. And you look up, you're a long way from shore. [Pepper Potts] You can't be too hard on yourself, Maya. I mean, you gave your research to a think tank. [Maya Hansen] Yeah, but Killian built that think tank on military contracts. [Pepper Potts] That's exactly what we used to do. So, don't judge yourself. [Maya Hansen] Thank you, Pepper. I really appreciate that. (Someone knocks on the door & Pepper looks over. She gets up & opens the door. Room service pushes in a tray of food but Killain appears & snaps his neck. Pepper gasps.) [Pepper Potts] Maya, run! (Killian grabs Pepper by the arm, spins her around and slams her against the wall, holding her by the neck. [Aldrich Killian] Hi, Pepper. (To Maya) So, you want to tell me why you were at Stark's mansion last night? [Maya Hansen] I'm trying to fix this thing. I didn't know you and the master were gonna blow the place up. [Aldrich Killian] Oh, I see. So, you were trying to save Stark when he threatened us? [Maya Hansen] I've told you, Killian, we can use him. [Aldrich Killian] Pepper. Pepper. Pepper. [Maya Hansen] Look, if we want to launch product next year, I need Stark. He just lacked a decent incentive. Now, he has one. (Rhodey flies across the sky in his Iron Patriot armor.) [Man] (On radio) This is support team Blue-Zero. Sending coordinates for a suspected Mandarin broadcast point of origin. [Rhodey] Copy. (Repulsor firing, people shrieking) Nobody move. (Women exclaiming in fear) Oh. Support Blue-Zero, unless the Mandarin's next attack on the U.S. involves cheaply-made sportswear, I think you messed up again. Yes, you're free, uh, if you weren't before. It's... Of course. Yes, ma'am. Iron Patriot on the job. Happy to help. No need to thank me, ma'am. It's my pleasure. (One of the women shakes Rhodey's hand and her hand glows red. Rhodey falls backwards, grunting.) [Woman] Savin? I've acquired the Patriot armour. [Rhodey] If you want this suit, you're going to have to pry my cold dead body out of it. [Woman] That's the plan, Colonel. [Tony Stark] Harley, tell me what's happening. Give me a full report. [Harley Keener] Yeah, I'm still eating that candy. Do you want me to keep eating it? [Tony Stark] How much have you had? [Harley Keener] Two or three bowls. [Tony Stark] Can you still see straight? [Harley Keener] Sort of. [Tony Stark] That means you're fine. Give me Jarvis. Jarvis, how are we? [JARVIS] It's totally fine, sir. I seem to do quite well for a stretch, and then at the end of the sentence I say the wrong cranberry. And, sir, you were right. Once I factored in available AIM downlink facilities I was able to pinpoint the Mandarin's broadcast signal. [Tony Stark] What are we talking? Far East, Europe, North Africa, Iran, Pakistan, Syria? Where is it? [JARVIS] Actually, sir, it's in Miami. [Tony Stark] Okay, kid, I'm gonna have to walk you through rebooting Jarvis's speech drive, but not right now. Harley, where is he really? Just look on the screen and tell me where it is. [Harley Keener] Um, it does say Miami, Florida. [Tony Stark] Okay, first things first, I need the armour. Where are we at with it? [Harley Keener] Uh, it's not charging. (Tony pulls over to the side of the road, heavy breathing) [JARVIS] Actually, sir, it is charging, but the power source is questionable. It may not succeed in revitalising the Mark 42. [Tony Stark] What's questionable about electricity? All right? It's my suit, and I can't... I'm not gonna... I don't wanna... (Breathing heavily) Oh, God, not again. [Harley Keener] Tony? (Tony gets out of the car) Are you having another attack? I didn't even mention New York. [Tony Stark] Right, and then you just said it by name while denying having said it. [Harley Keener] Okay, um, uh... [Tony Stark] (Panting) God, what am I gonna do? [Harley Keener] Just breathe. Really, just breathe. You're a mechanic, right? [Tony Stark] Right. [Harley Keener] You said so. [Tony Stark] Yes, I did. [Harley Keener] Why don't you just build something? [Tony Stark] Okay. Thanks, kid. (He gets back in the car.) (Cut to Tony in a shop buying supplies.) (Cut to Tony building something.) (Cut to Miama, Florida. Tony climbs a wall and begins fighting guards. He makes his way into the house and finds a woman lying on a table.) (Cut to a different woman lying on a sofa with a man sitting at a desk.) [Woman] Why is it so hot in here? I told you to put it at 68. [Man] (Scoffs) My fault again. Let me tell you something, sweetheart. I am not your personal air con... (Tony puts a gloved hand on his head, electrocuting him. He gets the gun and leaves the room. He makes his way to the bedroom and pulls the duvet off the bed, revealling two girls. Tony sushes them and the toilet flushes.) [The Mandarin] Well, I wouldn't go in there for 20 minutes. (He laughs) Now, which one of you is Vanessa? [Vanessa] That's me. [The Mandarin] Ah! Nessie. Did you know that fortune cookies aren't even Chinese? [Vanessa] There's some guy over here. [The Mandarin] They're made by Americans, based on a Japanese recipe. [Tony Stark] Hey! (Mandarin raises his hands) [The Mandarin] Bloody hell. Bloody hell. [Tony Stark] Don't move. [The Mandarin] I'm not moving. You want something? Take it. Although the guns are all fake because those wankers wouldn't trust me with the real ones. [Tony Stark] What? [The Mandarin] Hey, do you fancy either of the birds? [Tony Stark] Heard enough. You're not him. The Mandarin, the real guy. Where? Where's the Mandarin? Where is he? [The Mandarin] Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's here. He's here, but he's not here. He's here, but he's not here. [Tony Stark] What do you mean? [The Mandarin] It's complicated. Hey, it's complicated. [Tony Stark] It is? [The Mandarin] It's complicated. [Tony Stark] Uncomplicate it. Ladies, out. Get out of the bed. Get into the bathroom. Sit. (Door closes. Gunshot. Women exclaim in fear) [The Mandarin] My name is Trevor. Trevor Slattery. [Tony Stark] What are you? What are you, a decoy? You're a double, right? [Trevor Slattery] What, you mean like an understudy? No, absolutely not. (Tony points the gun at Trevor's face) Don't hurt the face! I'm an actor. [Tony Stark] You got a minute to live. Fill it with words. [Trevor Slattery] It's just a role. "The Mandarin," see, it's not real. [Tony Stark] Then how did you get here, Trevor? [Trevor Slattery] Um. Well, I, um, had a little problem with, um, substances. And I ended up, um, doing things, no two ways about it, in the street, that a man shouldn't do. [Tony Stark] Next? [Trevor Slattery] Then, they approached me about the role, and they knew about the drugs. [Tony Stark] What did they say? They'd get you off them? [Trevor Slattery] They said they'd give me more. They gave me things. They gave me this palace. They gave me plastic surgery. They gave me things. (Snoring) [Tony Stark] Did you just nod off? Hey. (Tony kicks him) [Trevor Slattery] No, and a lovely speedboat. And the thing was, he needed someone to take credit for some accidental explosions. (Mimic explosion) [Tony Stark] "He"? Killian? [Trevor Slattery] Killian. [Tony Stark] He created you? [Trevor Slattery] He created me. [Tony Stark] Custom-made terror threat. [Trevor Slattery] Yes. Yes. His think tank thinked it up. The pathology of a serial killer. The manipulation of Western iconography. Ready for another lesson? Blah, blah, blah. No. Of course, it was my performance that brought the Mandarin to life. [Tony Stark] Your performance? Where people died? [Trevor Slattery] No, they didn't. Look around you. The costumes, green screen. Honestly, I wasn't on location for half this stuff. And when I was, it was movie magic, love. [Tony Stark] I'm sorry, but I got a best friend who's in a coma and he might not wake up. So you're gonna have to answer for that. You're still going down, pal. You under... (Savin hits Tony around the head, unconcious) [Savin] Okay, Trevor, what did you tell him? [Trevor Slattery] I didn't tell him anything. [Savin] Nothing? [Trevor Slattery] No. [Savin] You should have pressed the panic button. [Trevor Slattery] Well, I panicked, but then I handled it. [Tony Stark] Ah... (Sighs) Okay. [Maya Hansen] It's just like old times, huh? [Tony Stark] Oh, yeah. With zip ties. It's a ball. [Maya Hansen] It wasn't my idea. [Tony Stark] Okay. So you took Killian's card. [Maya Hansen] I took his money. [Tony Stark] And here you are 13 years later, in a dungeon. [Maya Hansen] No. [Tony Stark] Yeah. [Maya Hansen] No, you're in a dungeon. I'm free to go. [Tony Stark] Yeah? [Maya Hansen] (Sighs and walks towards him) A lot has happened, Tony. But I'm close. Extremis is practically stabilised. [Tony Stark] (Shouting) I'm telling you it isn't. (Lowers voice to usual volume) I'm on the street. People are going bang. They're painting the walls. Maya, you're kidding yourself. [Maya Hansen] Then help me fix it. (She shows him the "You Know Who I Am" note he left in 1999.) [Tony Stark] Did I do that? [Maya Hansen] Yes. [Tony Stark] I remember the night, not the morning. Is this what you've been chasing around? [Maya Hansen] You don't remember? [Tony Stark] I can't help you. You used to have a moral psychology. You used to have ideals. You wanted to help people. Now look at you. I get to wake up every morning with someone who still has their soul. Get me out of here. Come on. [Aldrich Killian] You know what my old man used to say to me? One of his favourite of many sayings... "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." [Tony Stark] You're not still pissed off about the Switzerland thing, are you? [Aldrich Killian] How can I be pissed at you, Tony? I'm here to thank you. You gave me the greatest gift that anybody's ever given me. Desperation. If you think back to Switzerland, you said you'd meet me on the rooftop, right? Well, for the first 20 minutes, I actually thought you'd show up. And the next hour... I considered taking that one-step shortcut to the lobby. If you know what I mean. [Tony Stark] Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the first mouse. [Aldrich Killian] But as I looked out over that city, nobody knew I was there, nobody could see me, no one was even looking. I had a thought that would guide me for years to come. Anonymity, Tony. Thanks to you, it's been my mantra ever since. Right? You simply rule from behind the scenes. Because the second you give evil a face, a bin Laden, a Gaddafi, a Mandarin, you hand the people a target. [Tony Stark] You're something else. [Aldrich Killian] You have met him, I assume? [Tony Stark] Yes. Sir Laurence Oblivier. [Aldrich Killian] I know he's a little over the top sometimes. It's not entirely my fault. He has a tenden... He's a stage actor. They say his Lear was the toast of Croydon, wherever that is. Anyway, the point is, ever since that big dude with the hammer fell out of the sky, subtlety has kind of had its day. [Tony Stark] What's next for you in your world? [Aldrich Killian] Well, I wanted to repay you the selfsame gift that you so graciously imparted to me. (Killian rolls three balls forwards and they stop, projecting an image of Pepper. She has Extremis.) Desperation. Now, this is live. I'm not sure if you can tell, but at this moment the body is trying to decide whether to accept Extremis or just give up. And if it gives up, I have to say, the detonation is quite spectacular. But until that point, it's really just a lot of pain. We haven't even talked salary yet. What kind of perk package are you thinking of? [Maya Hansen] Let him go. [Aldrich Killian] Hold on, hold on. Maya... [Maya Hansen] I said, let him go. [Aldrich Killian] What are you doing? [Maya Hansen] 1200 CCs. A dose half of this size, I'm dead. [Aldrich Killian] It's times like this my temper is tested somewhat. Maya, give me the injector. [Maya Hansen] If I die, Killian, what happens to your soldiers? What happens to your product? [Aldrich Killian] We're not doing this, okay? [Maya Hansen] What happens to you? What happens if you go too hot? (He looks back at Tony and shoots Maya) [Aldrich Killian] The good news is, a high-level position has just been vacated. [Tony Stark] You are a maniac. [Aldrich Killian] No, I'm a visionary. But I do own a maniac. And he takes the stage tonight. (Killian leaves and talks to Savin) Once we get the Patriot installed, it will take me nine or 10 minutes for the takedown. [Savin] Well, that's great, but the last time I looked there was somebody inside of it. (Whirring) [Aldrich Killian] Afternoon, gentlemen. (Whirring ceases) Hello, Colonel. Step aside. (Killian places his hand on the suit and it blows orange.) Oh! We'll get you out of there. Don't worry. [Savin] You'll damage the armour. [Aldrich Killian] Yes, I will. But you can fix it, right? I'm gonna take the Chinook to base camp. And I want Potts with me. [Savin] She's still in Phase Two. [Aldrich Killian] You're not going deaf, are you? [Tony Stark] (Watch beeping.) Careful, there. It's a limited edition. Hey, uh, Ponytail Express. What's the mileage count between Tennessee and Miami? [Guard #1] 832 miles. [Tony Stark] Very nice. [Guard #1] I'm good like that. Can you, uh, stop that? [Tony Stark] Break it, you bought it. [Guard #2] I think I bought it. [Tony Stark] Okay, that wasn't mine to give away. That belongs to my friend's sister. And that's why I'm gonna kill you first. [Guard #2] What are you gonna do to me? [Tony Stark] You'll see. [Guard #2] You're zip-tied to a bed. This. (Nothing happens.) That. (Nothing happens again) [Alrich Killian] Are you coming out? [Rhodey] (Panting and sweating) Do not open. Do not open. Don't open. Don't open. (Beeping.) All right. Let's go. (The suit opens, Rhodey jumps and punches Savin in the face, then kicks him. Killian glows red and breathes fire at Rhodey.) You... You breathe fire? Okay. (Savin knocks Rhodey unconcious.) [Aldrich Killian] It's a glorious day, Savin. This time tomorrow, I'll have the West's most powerful leader in one hand, and the world's most feared terrorist in the other. I'll own the war on terror. Create supply and demand. For you, for your brothers and sisters. [Tony Stark] Trust me, you're gonna be in a puddle of blood on the ground in five, four, three... Come on! Two... [Guard #2] How did we get this shift? [Tony Stark] All right, I'm gonna give you a chance to escape. Put down your weapons. Tie yourselves to those chairs. I'll let you live. In five, four, bang! [Guard #2] Wow. That was... [Tony Stark] You should be gone by now. You should've already been gone. [Guard #2] I am just beyond terrified. [Tony Stark] Here it comes. Three, four... [Guard #2] Shut up. [Tony Stark] (Quickly) Five, four, three, two, one! (The Iron Man suit joins to his left arm) Told you. Where's the rest? (He blasts one of the men and unties himself. As they fight, the suit connects to his rigth leg and he kicks them) Where's the rest? (Meanwhile, Harley watches as the garage door shakes. He runs over and blows it open. The suit flies out.) (Repulsor powering up, gunfire, screaming.) [Man] Honestly, I hate working here. They are so weird. (Tony leaves.) [Tony Stark] Ah! Better late than never. (He gets outside and catches the face mask.) Not this time. Not the face. Phew! It's good to be back. Hello, by the way. [JARVIS] Oh, hello, sir. [Guard] (Beeping, Rhodey wakes up.) All personnel, Stark is loose and somewhere in the compound. Repeat, Stark is loose and somewhere in the compound. [Tony Stark] Ah! Let's go! (Thrusters misfiring.) Aw, crap. [Rhodey] Tony? [Tony Stark] Rhodey, tell me that was you in the suit. [Rhodey] No. You got yours'? [Tony Stark] Uh... Mmm. Kind of. Main house, as fast as you can. There's somebody I'd like you to meet. [Rhodey] You, you, you! Move! Get out! [Tony Stark] (Girls whimpering) The room is secure. I have eyes on the Mandarin. [Rhodey] What's this? I had winners. (Gunshots. Trevor wakes up and begins drinking beer again.) [Tony Stark] What have you come as? [Rhodey] You make a move, and I break your face. Tony Stark:I never thought people had been hurt. They lied to me. [Rhodey] This is the Mandarin? Tony Stark:Yeah, I know, it's... It's embarrassing. [Trevor Slattery] Hi, Trevor. Trevor Slattery. I know I'm shorter in person. A bit smaller. Everyone says that. But, um, hey, if you're here to arrest me, there's some people I'd like to roll on. Tony Stark:Here's how it works, Meryl Streep. [Rhodey] You tell him where Pepper is and he'll stop doing it. [Trevor Slattery] Doing what? Ow, I get it! Ow! That hurt. I get it! I get it! I don't know about any Pepper, but I know about the plan. [Tony Stark] Spill. [Rhodey] Do you know what they did to my suit? [Tony Stark] What? No. But I do know it's happening off the coast. Something to do with a big boat. I can take you there. [Trevor Slattery] Woah! (Rhodey jumps.) Ole', ole', ole', ole'... [Rhodey] Tony, I swear to God, I'm gonna blow his face off. [Tony Stark] Oh, and this next bit may include the vice president as well. Is that... Is that important? [Rhodey] Yeah, a little bit. [Tony Stark] So? [Rhodey] What are we gonna do? I mean, we don't have any transport. [Tony Stark] Right. (Beer opens) Hey, Ringo. Didn't you say something about a "lovely speedboat"? If he's right about the location, we're 20 minutes from where Pepper is. [Rhodey] But we also have to figure out this vice president thing, right? [Tony Stark] Right. I wonder who I'm calling right now. Oh! That's the vice president. [Vice President] Thanks. Hello? [Tony Stark] Sir, this is Tony Stark. [Vice President] Welcome back to the land of the living. [Tony Stark] We believe you're about to be drawn into the Mandarin campaign. We gotta get you somewhere safe as soon as possible. [Vice President] Mr Stark, I'm about to eat honey-roast ham, surrounded by the Agency's finest. The president's safe on Air Force One with Colonel Rhodes. I think we're good, here. [Rhodey] Sir, this is Colonel Rhodes. They're using the Iron Patriot as a Trojan horse. They're gonna take out the president somehow. We have to immediately alert that plane. [Vice President] Okay, I'm on it. I'll have security lock it down. If need be, they can have F-22s in the air in 30 seconds. Thank you, Colonel. [Rhodey] Rhodes and Stark out. [Man] Everything okay, sir? [Vice President] Couldn't be better. (To his daughter) I love you, babe. (The Iron Patriot lands and walks towards President Ellis) [President Ellis] Colonel Rhodes. (Salutes) Glad to see you could make it, son. I feel safer already. [Rhodey] We gotta make a decision. We can either save the president, or Pepper. We can't do both. [JARVIS] Sir, I have an update from Malibu. The cranes have finally arrived, and the cellar doors are being cleared as we speak. [Tony Stark] And what about the suit I'm wearing? [JARVIS] The armour is now at 92%. [Tony Stark] That's going to have to do. (The Iron Patient's arm opens and the suit wearer puts their hand against the door handle on a plane, burning it.) [Military Aide] Everything all right, Colonel? (Iron Patriot kills the aide and people begin shooting at him. He kills everyone beside the President. The helmet lifts up to reveal Savin. [Savin] It is an honour, Mr President. [President Ellis] If you're gonna do it, do it! [Savin] Whoa! Cool your boots, sir. That's not how the Mandarin works. [Officer] Sir, Air Force One has been compromised. Internal shots, temperature spikes. [Officer #2] Get me eyes on it now. [Officer] Image coming through now, sir. [Officer #2] Was that Rhodes? [Man] Is anyone there? [Woman] Let us out! (Tony attacks Savin and pins him against the wall.) [Tony Stark] The President. Now. [Savin] He's not here. (Savin burns the Iron Man suit's arm. Electrical crackling, mechanisms grinding, soft groaning.) Try the jet stream? Speaking of which, go fish. (A door blasts open on the plane, people screaming, metal creaking, more screaming. Tony blasts Savin in the chest.) [Tony Stark] Walk away from that, you son of a bitch. (Savin falls to the ground.) How many in the air? [JARVIS] Thirteen, sir. [Tony Stark] How many can I carry? [JARVIS] Four, sir. [Tony Stark] Slow down. Slow down, relax. What's your name? Heather? [Heather] (Screaming) Oh, God! No! No! [Tony Stark] Listen to me. See that guy? I'm gonna swing by, you're just gonna grab him. You got it? [Heather] What? Oh! [Tony Stark] I'll electrify your arm, you won't be able to open your hand. We can do this, Heather. Easy, see? Eleven more to go. Remember that game called Barrel of Monkeys? That's what we're going to do. [JARVIS] 18,000 feet. [Tony Stark] Come on, people. Everybody, grab your monkey. Nice. [JARVIS] 10,000 feet. 6,000 feet. [Tony Stark] Come on, people. Come on, come on, come on! Yeah! [JARVIS] 1, 000 feet. 400 feet. 200 feet, sir. [Tony Stark] He's a chunky monkey, let's get him. Hello. (Tony drops them all in the water from a few feet above.) [Man] We made it! [Tony Stark] Nice work, guys! Excellent. Good team effort all around. Go us. All right, Jarvis. But it's only half-done. We've still got to get Pepper... (The Iron Man suit flies into a truck and the suit disassembles. He sighs.) That came out of nowhere. Wow (We now see Tony on the boat, where he was controlling the suit.) [Rhodey] Give me some good news, man. [Tony Stark] I think they all made it. [Rhodey] Oh, thank God. [Tony Stark] Yeah, but I missed the president. [Rhodey] You couldn't save the president with the suit, how are we gonna save Pepper with nothing? [Tony Stark] Uh... Say, Jarvis, is it that time? [JARVIS] The House Party Protocol, sir? [Tony Stark] Correct. [Aldrich Killian] (Pepper wakes up and gasps.) Hi. [Pepper Potts] (Breathing heavily.) You think he's gonna help you? He won't. [Aldrich Killian] Having you here is not just to motivate Tony Stark. It's, um... Well, it's actually more embarrassing than that. You're here as my, um... [Pepper Potts] Trophy [Aldrich Killian] (Chuckles.) Mmm. (Iron Patriot walks in and Pepper gasps.) Good evening, sir. (The armor opens and the President falls out.) Welcome aboard, Mr President. Ever hear of an elephant graveyard? Well, two years ago, the elephant in the room was this scow. [President Ellis] This is the Roxxon Norco. Aldrich Killian:And, of course, you'll remember that when she spilled a million gallons of crude off Pensacola, thanks to you, not one fat cat saw a day in court. [President Ellis] What do you want from me? [Aldrich Killian] Uh, nothing, sir. I just needed a reason to kill you that would play well on TV. You see, I've moved on. I found myself a new political patron, and this time tomorrow, he'll have your job. String him up. [President Ellis] Hey! [Rhodey] (Climbs on to the boat.) Come on. You're not gonna freak out on me, right? [Tony Stark] I hope not. [Rhodey] Oh, my God. (Sighs) He's strung up over the oil tanker. They're gonna light him up, man. [Tony Stark] Viking funeral. Public execution. [Rhodey] Yeah, death by oil. [Announcer] (On PA) Broadcast will commence shortly. Take final positions. [Aldrich Killian] Okay. That's good. Now give me cameras A through E and we'll do a full tech rehearsal. (Technician typing) [Rhodey] ls your gun up? [Tony Stark] Yep. What do I do? [Rhodey] Stay on my six, cover high and don't shoot me in the back. [Tony Stark] Six, high, back. Alright. (Gunfire, bullets ricocheting) You see that? Nailed it. [Rhodey] Yeah, you really killed the glass. [Tony Stark] You think I was aiming for the bulb? You can't hit a bulb at this distance. (Rhodey fires a bullet and hits the bulb.) [Announcer] (On PA) All personnel, we have hostiles on east unit 12. [Man] Over there! [Announcer] (On PA) I repeat, hostiles on east unit 12. [Tony Stark] I'm out. Give me. You got extra magazines? [Rhodey] They're not universal, Tony. [Tony Stark] I know what I'm doing, I make this stuff. Give me another one. [Rhodey] Okay [Tony Stark] Give me one of yours. [Rhodey] I don't have one that fits that gun. [Tony Stark] You've got, like, five of them. Here's what I'm going to do. Save my spot, ready? [Rhodey] What'd you see? [Tony Stark] Too fast. Nothing. Here we go. (Clears throat) Three guys, one girl, all armed. [Rhodey] God, I would kill for some armour right now. [Tony Stark] You're right. We need backup. [Rhodey] Yeah, a bunch. [Tony Stark] You know what? (He nods at something in the distance, whooshing) [Rhodey] Is that...? [Tony Stark] Yep. [Rhodey] Are those...? [Tony Stark] Yeah. (Dozens of Iron Man suits fly over.) Merry Christmas, buddy. JARVIS, target Extremis heat signatures. Disable with extreme prejudice. [JARVIS] (Through armors) Yes, sir. [Tony Stark] What are you waiting for? It's Christmas. Take them to church. [JARVIS] Gentlemen. (Grunting, screaming.) [Tony Stark] Incoming! Jarvis, get Igor to steady this thing. (Mechanisms whirring.) [Rhodey] This is how you've been managing your down time, huh? [Tony Stark] Everybody needs a hobby. Heartbreaker, help Red Snapper out, will you? (Tony suits up.) Nice timing. [Rhodey] Oh, yeah. That's awesome. Give me a suit, okay? [Tony Stark] Oh, I'm sorry, they're only coded to me. [Rhodey] What does that mean? [Tony Stark] I got you covered. [JARVIS] Good evening, Colonel. Can I give you a lift? [Rhodey] Very funny. [JARVIS] Sir, I've located Ms Potts. [Tony Stark] About time. [Pepper Potts] (Gasps, panting.) Stop! Put it down. Put it down. Put it down. [Tony Stark] See what happens when you hang out with my ex-girlfriends? [Pepper Potts] You're such a jerk. [Tony Stark] Yep. We'll talk about it over dinner. (Metal creaking, Pepper sobbing.) Come on. A little more, baby. (Pepper straining, Tony grunting. Killian shoves his hand on Tony's suit, burning it.) [Aldrich Killian] Is this guy bothering you? Don't get up. Ooh. Is it hot in there? (Sizzling.) Stuck? Do you feel a little stuck? Like a little turtle, cooking in his little turtle suit. [Pepper Potts] Tony. [Aldrich Killian] She's watching. I think you should close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. You don't want to see this. (Tony cuts off Killian's arm, it burns through the floor and Pepper falls down.) [Tony Stark] Yeah, you take a minute. (Groaning, sizzling, metal creaking, yelling, grunts, Pepper whimpers.) Jarvis, give me a suit right now! (The suit he called gets destroyed.) Oh, come on! [Rhodey] Mr President! Just hold on, all right? I'm coming. Just hold on. Hold on. (Gunfire) Oh, kay. Bye-bye. Brace yourself. You look damn good, Mr President, but I'm gonna need that suit back. The President is secure, Tony. I'm clearing the area. [Tony Stark] Nice work. [Rhodey] Ready, sir? [President Ellis] What do you mean "ready"? (Rhodey blasts off and the President screams.) [Tony Stark] Pep, I got you. Relax, I got you. Just look at me! Honey, I can't reach any further and you can't stay there. All right? You've got to let go. You've got to let go! I'll catch you, I promise. No! (Pepper falls to the ground and into the flames below.) [Aldrich Killian] A shame. I would've caught her. (Tony and Killian run towards each other. Killian jumps up to attack, Tony slides under and armors up. Repulsors firing, flesh burning, both grunting.) [Tony Stark] Eject. (More repulsors firing.) [Aldrich Killian] Well, here we are on the roof. (Killian slices the suit in half.) [JARVIS] Mark 42, inbound. [Tony Stark] I'll be damned. The prodigal son returns. (The suit flies to Tony, hits a piece of metal and falls apart. Rolls his eyes.) Whatever. [Aldrich Killian] You really didn't deserve her, Tony. It's a pity. I was so close to having her perfect. [Tony Stark] Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait! Slow down! Slow down! You're right. I don't deserve her. Here's where you're wrong. She was already perfect. (Tony motions to the suit and it flies on to Killian.) Jarvis, do me a favour and blow Mark 42. [Aldrich Killian] (Muffled screaming.) No! (He walks towards Tony, his flesh held together by flames.) No more false faces. You said you wanted the Mandarin. You're looking right at him. It was always me, Tony. Right from the start. I am the Mandarin! (Someone hits Killian and he flies to the side. It's Pepper. Heavy breathing.) [Tony Stark] I got nothing. (Repulsor powering up.) Jarvis, subject at my 12 o'clock is not a target, disengage! What? Oh, what, are you mad at me? (Pepper runs towards Tony, flips in the air, punches through the Iron Man suit and destroys it. She uses the suit to blow up Killian.) Honey? [Pepper Potts] Oh, my God. That was really violent. [Tony Stark] You just scared the devil out of me. I thought you were... [Pepper Potts] I was dead. Why? Because I fell 200 feet? Who's the hot mess now? [Tony Stark] It's still debatable. Probably tipping your way a little bit. Why don't you dress like this at home? Hmm? Sport bra. The whole deal. [Pepper Potts] You know, I think I understand why you don't want to give up the suits. What am I going to complain about now? [Tony Stark] Well, it's me. You'll think of something. Come here. [Pepper Potts] No, don't touch me. [Tony Stark] Don't worry about it. [Pepper Potts] No, I'm gonna burn you. [Tony Stark] No, you're not. Not hot. [Pepper Potts] Am I gonna be okay? [Tony Stark] No. You're in a relationship with me. Everything will never be okay. But I think I can figure this out, yeah. I almost had this 20 years ago when I was drunk. I think I can get you better. That's what I do. I fix stuff. [Pepper Potts] And all your distractions? [Tony Stark] Uh... I'm going to shave them down a little bit. Jarvis. Hey. [JARVIS] All wrapped up here, sir. Will there be anything else? [Tony Stark] You know what to do. [JARVIS] The Clean Slate Protocol, sir? [Tony Stark] Screw it, it's Christmas. Yes, yes. (Pepper and Tony hug as the Iron Man suits blow up.) Okay, so far? Do you like it? [Pepper Potts] It'll do. [Tony Stark (V.O)] And so, as Christmas morning began, my journey had reached its end. You start with something pure, something exciting. Then, come the mistakes. The compromises. We create our own demons. [Trevor Slattery] Oh! Great to see you! Oh, bloody hell! [Tony Stark (V.O)] But then I thought to myself, "Why stop there?" Of course, there are people who say progress is dangerous, but I'll bet none of those idiots ever had to live with a chestful of shrapnel. And now, neither will I. Let me tell you,(Metal clinking.) that was the best sleep I'd had in years. [Nurse] (Happy wakes up, gasping and coughing.) It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. [Happy Hogan] (Weak) No, look. [Tony Stark (V.O)] (Throws Arc Reactor into the ocean.) So, if I were to wrap this up, tie it with a bow, or whatever... I guess I'd say my armor, it was never a distraction, or a hobby. It was a cocoon. And now, I'm a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys. One thing you can't take away... I am Iron Man. (Thrilling music playing, credit scene.) You know, and thank you by the way. For listening. Plus, something about just getting it off my chest, and putting it out there in the atmosphere, instead of holding this in... I mean, this is what gets people sick, you know. Wow, I had no idea you were such a good listener. [Tony Stark] To be able to share all my intimate thoughts and my experiences with someone, it just cuts the weight of it in half. You know, it's like a snake swallowing its own tail. Everything comes full circle. (The camera zooms out to show Bruce Banner, asleep.) And the fact that you've been able to -help me process... (Tony stops and looks over as Bruce rubs his eyes.) Are you with me? [Bruce Banner] Sorry... I was, yeah. We were at, uh... [Tony Stark] Are you actively napping? [Bruce Banner] (Stammering) I was... I... I drifted. [Tony Stark] Where did I lose you? [Bruce Banner] Elevator in Switzerland. [Tony Stark] So, you heard none of it? [Bruce Banner] I'm sorry. I'm not that kind of doctor. I'm not a therapist. It's not my training. [Tony Stark] So? [Bruce Banner] I don't have the... [Tony Stark] What? The time? [Bruce Banner] Temperament. [Tony Stark] You know what? Now that I think about it... Oh! God, my original wound. 1983, all right? [Bruce Banner] Yes. [Tony Stark] I'm 14 years old, I still have a nanny. That was weird.

{"title": "Iron Man 3"}

marvel/pdunton

(Adrian Toomes and his coworker, Phineas Mason, are studying a child's drawing of the Avengers.) [Toomes] Things are never gonna be the same now. I mean, look at this. You got aliens. You got big green guys tearing down buildings. When I was a kid, I used to draw cowboys and Indians. [Mason] Actually, it's Native American, but whatever. [Toomes] Yeah. Tell you what, though. It ain't bad, is it? (Toomes squints at the drawing and Mason nods.) [Mason] No. Yeah. Kid's got a future. [Toomes] Yeah, well... We'll see, I guess. (Toomes looks up at the damaged Avengers Tower. Helicopters pass overhead. Scaffolding covers the tower's lower floors. A roving view sends us into a ruined building across the street.) (A clean-up crew works around a giant deceased Chitauri alien creature with pointed teeth. Alien artifacts lie among the rubble. Walking through the site, Toomes gives a worker a thumbs up. He turns to Herman Schultz, who is one of his workers.) [Toomes] No, hey! Uh-uh! You can't saw through that stuff. These alien bastards are tough. You gotta use the stuff they use. (He picks up an alien object from the ground and uses it as a tool to break down the Chitauri chariot.) [Toomes] See? [Schultz] All right. [Toomes] All right. (to Brice) Oh, hey! Glad you could join us. Afternoon. [Brice] Yeah. My alarm didn't go off. [Toomes] Yeah, yeah, yeah, your alarm. Look, just go stack that armor plating like I asked you. This is a huge deal for us. (Anne Marie Hoag, the director of the Department of Damage Control, walks into the salvage site with her crew.) [Anne Marie Hoag] Attention, please! In accordance with Executive Order 396B, all post-battle cleanup operations are now under our jurisdiction. Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here. [Toomes] Who the hell are you? [DODC Agent] Qualified personnel. [Toomes] Look, I have a city contract to salvage all this, okay, with the city, so- [Anne Marie Hoag] I apologize, Mr. Toomes, but all salvage operations are now under our jurisdiction. Please turn over any and all exotic materials that you've collected, or you will be prosecuted. (The workers look puzzled. A worker slips an alien artifact that looks like a power source into his pocket unnoticed.) [Toomes] Ma'am, what am I- Please. Come here. Hey, lady, come on. Look... I bought trucks for this job. I brought in a whole new crew. These guys have a family. I have a family. I'm all in on this. I could lose my house. [Anne Marie Hoag] I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do. (Toomes is left to stare at her back as she leaves. Behind him, a Damage Control Agent speaks up.) [DODC Agent] Maybe next time, don't over extend yourself. (Toomes looks around and grins.) [Toomes] What'd you say? (He looks around at his crew of workers. Brice whistles.) [Toomes] Yeah, he's right. I overextended myself. (Suddenly, he punches the agent. The agents point their guns at him.) [Worker] Don't do it. [Anne Marie Hoag] Put them down. (The agents lower their guns.) [Anne Marie Hoag] If you have a grievance, you may take it up with my superiors. [Toomes] Your superiors. Who the hell are they? (We see a TV screen playing the news about Tony Stark and his contract with Damage Control. Toomes watches the TV with an angry look on his face.) [News Anchor] A joint venture between Stark Industries and the federal government, the Department of Damage Control will oversee the collection and storage of alien and other exotic materials. [Schultz] So now the assholes who made this mess are being paid to clean it up. [Mason] Yeah, it’s all rigged. (Mason is tinkering with the alien power source that one of the workers stole from the salvage site earlier that day.) [News Anchor] Experts estimate there are over fifteen hundred tons of exotic material scattered throughout the tri-state area. (The glowing alien artifact is now connected to a motor with wires. The blades on the motor start to spin and the machine floats off the table. One of the workers pulls off a tarpaulin sheet covering a large piece of Chitauri artifact, revealing a dozen of glowing Chitauri energy cores.) [Worker] Hey, chief! We still have another load from yesterday. We’re supposed to turn this in, right? [Brice] I ain’t hauling it. [Mason] It’s too bad. We could have made some pretty cool stuff from all that alien junk. (Toomes stares at the truck full of alien items and makes up his mind.) [Toomes] I tell you what, let’s keep it. The world’s changing. (Mason lifts his magnifying goggles and looks at his boss.) [Toomes] It’s time we change, too. 8 YEARS LATER (The Rolling Stones’ “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking” is playing in the warehouse. Workers are moving piles of alien tech and tinkering with machines. Mason works on an elaborate rifle gun. Another worker fires a neon blast from an exotic gun. The blast shears a large item in half. Workers load piles of high tech weapons onto a van.) (Cash pours through a money counting machine.) (A figure wearing a flying suit with expensive metal wings soars toward the warehouse. Doors in the ceiling open and the figure drops crates of alien tech from the suits’ claw-like feet. The helmeted figure comes through the roof and lands on the platform. He steps out of the wing suit and faces Mason.) [Toomes] There you go, Mason. (The helmet opens, revealing Toomes. Mason grins.) [Toomes] Business is good. a Film by Peter Parker (Through a small, rectangular screen, we see the scenery of New York passing by at a high velocity. We seem to be on a highway.) [Peter] (in a gravelly voice) New York. Queens. It’s a rough borough, but hey, it’s home. [Happy] Who are you talking to? (Camera quickly pans to reveal Happy Hogan driving in the front seat.) [Peter] (in a normal voice) No one. Just making a little video of the trip. [Happy] You know you can’t show it to anyone. [Peter] Yeah, I know. [Happy] Then why are you narrating in that voice? [Peter] Uh... Because it’s fun. [Happy] Fun. (Apparently, Happy thinks this whole situation is the opposite of fun. He puts on his sunglasses and solemnly looks out the windshield.) [Peter] So, uh, why do they call you Happy? (Happy raises the limo’s partition. We see a reflection of Peter Parker holding up his phone and filming.) (Peter gets out of the car to find a small private plane waiting for him.) [Happy] Come on. I’m not carrying your bags. Let’s go. [Peter] Hey, should I go to the bathroom before? [Happy] There’s a bathroom on it. (Inside the plane, we see a view of the cockpit. Two seats for the pilot and the copilot are there no one is sitting in them.) [Peter] Whoa. No pilot? That’s awesome. (Peter sits down across from Happy, directly facing him.) [Happy] Is that where you’re gonna sit? [Peter] Yeah. [Happy] This is your first time on a private plane? [Peter] My first time on any plane. (Happy moves away to sit in another seat.) [Peter] Should it...? Should it be...? Should it be making that noise? (Later. Peter puts a finger to his lips and makes a shushing sound.) [Peter] Shh. (Camera reveals Happy snoring. At the sound of Peter’s chuckle, Happy jerks awake, causing the whole frame to shake.) (Inside Berlin Brandenburg Airport, we see German signs, Happy dragging his luggage behind him, and Peter’s face in quick succession.) (Peter is sightseeing Berlin. We see Berlin streets, the Brandenburg Gate, a street performer, foreign girls, and a pretzel vendor.) [Peter] No one has actually told me why I’m in Berlin or what I’m doing. Something about Captain America going crazy. (Happy and Peter enter a hotel.) [Happy] (pointing at a door) This is you. [Peter] Oh, we’re neighbors? [Happy] We’re not roommates. Suit up. (Peter's hotel room. Standing in front of a mirror, we see Peter wearing his homemade Spider-Man suit, consisting of a thin, baggy sweatshirt, goggles with shutters, and web-shooters.) [Peter] Okay, Peter, you got this. You got this. [Happy] What the hell are you wearing? (Happy is staring at Peter with a horrified look. Peter tilts down the camera to reveal his feet.) [Peter] It’s my suit. [Happy] Where’s the case? [Peter] What case? That’s not my... (Happy opens a door, showing Peter another area of his suite.) [Peter] What? I thought that was a closet. This is still my room? [Happy] Go. Please. [Peter] My room is way bigger than... [Happy] There. (A case is sitting on a coffee table.) [Peter] I found the case. I found the case. I found the case. (He plucks up a card that says “A minor upgrade -TS” from the case.) [Peter] “A minor upgrade”? (When Peter unbuckles a lock the case unfolds itself, revealing a high tech Spider-Man suit complete with awesome holograms.) [Peter] Whoa. Oh my God. [Happy] Put it on. [Peter] What the...? This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen- [Happy] Let’s go. [Peter] But, yeah. Well, I don’t understand. Is it for me? (Camera spins to find Happy leaving the room.) [Peter] Happy, Happy, wait. (Peter takes off the mask of his homemade Spider-Man suit with a huge, excited grin on his face.) [Peter] This is insane. Insane. Look at this thing. Look. Look at the eyes. This is the greatest day of my life. [Happy] Let’s go. (He has come to drag a hyped-up Peter out of the room.) [Peter] Okay. [Happy] Come on. (Outside Flughafen Leipzig-Halle, We see Iron Man, War Machine, Captain America, Black Widow, and Black Panther confronting each other.) [Peter] (whispers) Okay, there’s Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow. Whoa. Who’s that new guy? [Tony] Underoos! (We see Peter, now dressed in the Spider-Man suit that Tony gave him.) [Peter] Oh, that’s me. I gotta go. I gotta go. (Peter puts down the phone and proceeds to snatch Captain America’s shield with his web.) (Later.) [Peter] Hey, everyone. (He is holding his camera and flying through the air to find a safe spot. We see and hear explosions everywhere.) [Peter] Okay, so the craziest thing just happened, right? I just had a fight with Captain America and I stole his shield and I threw it at him- (We hear a metallic noise. Ant-Man grows into a giant in the background and grabs War Machine by his ankle. Peter turns to see this.) [Peter] What the hell? He’s big now. I gotta go. Hang on. (The phone is put down and for a moment, all we see are the sky and the clouds. Then we hear the battle commencing and see Peter being flung through the air.) [Peter] Whoa! (Back in Peter's hotel room. Peter is facing the camera, now dressed in a grey NASA T-shirt. It is obvious that he is still high on adrenaline.) [Peter] It was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened! So Mr. Stark was like, “Hey, Underoos!” and I just sort of flipped in and I stole Cap’s shield. I was like, “Hey, what’s up, everybody?” And then... (There’s a knock on his door.) [Peter] Hey, just a second! Coming! (He backflips to the door, but before he can open it, Happy enters in a bathrobe.) [Peter] Hey. [Happy] We have thin walls here. (Camera starts rolling. We are now inside Tony's car. A hand reaches for it and we tilt up to find Tony Stark in a suit and sunglasses ensemble.) [Tony] What are you doing, a little video diary? [Peter] (embarrassed) Yeah. [Tony] It’s all right. I’d probably do the same. [Happy] (from the driver’s seat) I told him not to do it. He was filming everything. [Tony] It’s okay. [Happy] I’m gonna wipe the chip. [Tony] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what? We should actually... We should make an alibi video for your aunt anyway. You ready? (Tony takes off his sunglasses, revealing a badly bruised face.) [Peter] Yeah, hold on. [Tony] We rolling? [Peter] An alibi? Sure. [Tony] Get in the frame. [Peter] Okay. [Tony] Hey, May. How you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope. (Peter turns to Tony with a frown on his face. Tony chuckles and pats Peter’s shoulder, whose face now wears an uncomfortable smile.) [Tony] Peter, that’s inappropriate. All right, let’s start over. You can edit it. [Peter] Mm-hmm. (Looking at Tony, Peter chuckles.) [Tony] Three, two, one. Hey, May. My gosh, uh, I wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did this weekend at the Stark internship retreat. Everyone was impressed. (Tony is putting on a solemn face. Peter offers the camera a wide-eyed, tight-lipped smile, trying to look innocent. Suddenly, we hear a loud honk.) [Happy] Come on! It’s a freaking merge. (to Tony) I’m sorry. [Tony] This is because you’re not on Queens Boulevard. (to the camera) See, Happy is... is hoping to get bumped up to asset management. He was forehead of security, and before that, he was just a driver. (Still driving, Happy gives Tony a sidelong glance.) [Happy] That was a private conversation. I don’t like joking about this. It was hard for me to talk to you about that. [Tony] No, seriously, was he snoring a bunch? (Happy slams on the brakes, making the car screech to a stop.) [Happy] All right. Here we are. End of the line. Whoops. (Tony laughs and films Peter, who looks a bit pale.) [Tony] Happy, can you give us a moment? [Happy] You want me to leave the car? [Tony] Why don’t you grab Peter’s case out of the trunk. (Peter’s film finally stops rolling. He slowly lowers his phone, shocked.) [Peter] I can keep the suit? [Tony] Yes, we were just talking about it. (Tony puts his sunglasses back on and clears his throat. Through the rear window, we see Happy struggling with Peter’s case.) [Tony] Do me a favor, though. Happy’s kind of your point guy on this. Don’t stress him out. Don’t do anything stupid. I’ve seen his cardiogram. All right? [Peter] (enthusiastically) Yes. [Tony] Don’t do anything I would do, and definitely don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. There’s a... There’s a little grey area in there, and that’s where you operate. [Peter] Wait, does that mean that I’m an Avenger? [Tony] No. (Happy knocks on the window and holds the case up.) [Happy] This it? [Tony] Seventh floor. [Peter] I can take that. You don’t have to take it. [Happy] You’re gonna take it? [Peter] Yeah, I can take that. [Happy] Thank you. (Happy drops the case by the car.) [Peter] So when’s, when’s our next... When’s our next “retreat,” you know? Like... [Tony] What, next mission? [Peter] Yeah, the mission. The missions. [Tony] We’ll call you. [Peter] Do you have my numbers? [Tony] No, I mean, we’ll call you. Like, someone will call you. [Peter] Oh. [Tony] All right? [Peter] From your team. [Tony] Okay. (Tony reaches for the door. Peter mistakes the gesture as a hug and brings his arms around Tony.) [Tony] It’s not a hug. I’m just grabbing the door for you. We’re not there yet. (Peter awkwardly climbs out of the car. Almost as an afterthought, Tony calls out:) [Tony] Bye. (Tony and Happy drive off. Holding his bag and the Spider-Man suit case, Peter grins.) [Peter] They’re gonna call me. (He heads to the apartment entrance. There is a definite spring in his step.) TWO MONTHS LATER (Peter is standing in a packed subway train. He takes out his phone and types out a text.) Hey Happy just checking in. I'm out of school at 2:45 PM Ready for my next mission! It's Peter BTW. Parker (He scrolls through numerous unanswered messages to Happy.) (The train drops Peter off at 36th Avenue Station, which is right next to Midtown High. He walks downstairs to street level where football fields stand surrounded by fences. Peter strolls down the sidelines and approaches the main building. We see students playing all kinds of sports on the field. He climbs a flight of stairs, then quickly avoids being hit by a convertible driven by Flash Thompson, a slick-haired teenager.) [Flash] What’s up, Penis Parker? (Students chuckle at that. Peter suppresses a sigh and moves on.) (A school news report is playing in the hallway, Betty Brant and Jason Ionello as the news anchors.) [Betty] Rise and shine, Midtown Science and Technology. [Jason] Students, don’t forget about your homecoming tickets. Do you have a date for homecoming? [Betty] Thanks, Jason, but I already have a date. [Jason] Okay. [Betty] Yeah. (On TV, we see Jason rolling his eyes awkwardly.) [Principal Morita] Good morning. (A teenage boy flies a drone around the crowded hallway. Peter walks by. Principal Morita grabs the drone out of the air.) [Principal Morita] Damn it. You, in my office right now. (The drone pilot follows the principal. Other students carry elaborate science projects. Peter stops at his locker and takes off his jacket. He enters the combination and opens the locker. We see Peter from inside the locker. Suddenly, a hand pops up behind him. It’s Ned Leeds holding a Palpatine Lego figure over Peter’s shoulder.) [Ned] (imitating Emperor Palpatine) Join me, and together... we’ll build my new Lego Death Star. [Peter] What? (Peter glances around and hears a cheerleader say:) [Cheerleader] So lame. [Peter] No way! That’s awesome. How many pieces? [Ned] Three thousand eight hundred and three. [Peter] That’s insane. [Ned] I know. You want to build it tonight? [Peter] No, I can’t tonight. I’ve got the Stark- [Ned] Mm-hmm. Stark internship. [Peter] Yeah, exactly. (Having picked up his textbooks, Peter starts to walk down the hallway with his best friend.) [Ned] Always got that internship. [Peter] Yeah, well, hopefully, soon it’ll lead to a real job with them. [Ned] That would be so sweet. [Peter] Right? [Ned] He’d be all, “Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter. Here’s a gold coin.” (Peter gives him a look.) [Ned] I don’t know how jobs work. [Peter] That’s exactly how they work. [Ned] Oh. (chuckles) I’ll knock out the basic bones of the Death Star at my place. And, and then I’ll come by afterwards... (His voice fades out as Peter slows to a stop. In slow motion, we see who caught his eye- a pretty dark-haired girl talking with her friends down the hall. Her name is Liz. She brushes her hair back and their eyes meet for a fleeting moment. Peter is mesmerized. He can barely keep up with his conversation with Ned.) [Ned] ...because for the most part, the difficult thing is the base of it. The top half we can knock out in two hours, tops. [Peter] That’d be great. (The school bell rings.) [Girl] I’m gonna be late! (We are now in physics class.) [Ms. Warren] Okay, so how do we calculate linear acceleration between points A and B? (She points at Flash, who is confidently holding up his hand.) [Ms. Warren] Flash. [Flash] It’s the product of sine of the angle and gravity divided by the mass. [Ms. Warren] Nope. (Another hand goes up, but Ms. Warren calls out a student who clearly is having difficulty focusing on the lecture.) [Ms. Warren] Peter. You still with us? (Peter has been watching a video of Spider-Man on YouTube.) [Peter] Uh... Uh... Yeah, yeah. (He closes the laptop, revealing a diagram of a simple gravity pendulum.) [Peter] Uh... Mass cancels out, so it’s just gravity times sine. [Ms. Warren] Right. See, Flash, being the fastest isn’t always the best if you are wrong. (The class bursts out in laughter. Flash has turned in his seat and is glaring at Peter.) [Flash] (whispers) You’re dead. (Peter turns to glance at a clock. 11:38 a.m.) (When Peter faces the front, we see that he is now wearing safety goggles.) [Mr. Cobbwell] Today we’ll be talking about Danish physicist Niels Bohr, but trust me, there is nothing Bohr-ing about his discoveries regarding quantum theory. (As Mr. Cobbwell continues on his introduction on Bohr, Peter opens his notes to a page titled “Web Fluid Version 3.01.” We see molecule diagrams and a list of liquids such as salicylic acid, toluene, and methanol.) (Inside an open drawer is a beaker. Peter quickly and surreptitiously pours some orange liquid in it and stirs the concoction. It starts to increase in volume, running over the beaker walls. When Peter lifts the glass stirring rod, the compound sticks to it like spiderweb. Flustered, Peter quickly shuts the drawer and looks at the clock. It’s 12:35 p.m.) (A homecoming banner is hung over the clock on the cafeteria wall by Liz, who is standing on a ladder. Peter and Ned are sitting next to each other and watching her.) [Peter] Did Liz get a new top? [Ned] No. We’ve seen that before, but never with that skirt. (A girl passes by and says hello to Liz.) [Girl] Liz, hey. [Liz] Hi! [Girl] That looks so good! [Peter] We should probably stop staring before it gets creepy, though. [Michelle] Too late. (Peter and Ned turn to see Michelle sitting at the other end of their table.) [Michelle] You guys are losers. [Ned] But then why do you sit with us? [Michelle] Because I don’t have any friends. (A poster hangs on the auditorium wall. It is for the Academic Decathlon nationals taking place in Washington D.C. on October 13-15. The Decathlon practice is commencing. Liz is standing at a podium, reading the quiz cards. Ned, Charles, Abe, and Cindy are seated on the stage. Bells are placed in front of them.) [Liz] Let’s move to the next question. What is the heaviest naturally-occurring element? [Charles] Hydrogen’s the lightest. That’s not the question. Okay. Yeah. [Abe] Uranium. (Cindy Moon, who was frantically searching the books, glares at Abe.) [Liz] That is correct. Thank you, Abraham. [Abe] (quietly pumping his fist in the air) Yes. [Liz] Please open your books to page ten. (A few feet away, Peter is conversing with Mr. Harrington, the teacher who is in charge of the Decathlon team.) [Mr. Harrington] Peter, it’s nationals. Is there no way you could take one weekend off? [Peter] I can’t go to Washington because if Mr. Stark needs me, then I have to make sure that I’m here. [Flash] You’ve never even been in the same room as Tony Stark. (Flash speaks up from behind them, reading a book with his feet propped up in a chair.) [Cindy] Wait, what’s happening? (Sally Avril, who is lying on her stomach and studying her notes, answers her.) [Sally] Peter’s not going to Washington. [Cindy] No. No, no, no, no, no. No. No. (Abe rings the bell beside her.) [Abe] Why not? [Liz] Really? Right before nationals? [Michelle] He already quit marching band and robotics lab. (Everyone looks at Michelle, who is leaning on the wall with a book, with a suspicious look on their faces. Michelle quickly adds:) [Michelle] I’m not obsessed with him. Just very observant. [Liz] Flash, you’re in for Peter. [Flash] Ooh, I don’t know. I gotta check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up. (Abe rings the bell.) [Abe] That is false. [Mr. Harrington] What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes? (Peter turns to see the clock: it’s still 1:18 p.m.) (We see quick glimpses of Peter fidgeting as he looks at the clock. Fingers drumming the desk, foot tapping on the floor until finally, the clock hits 2:45 p.m. and the school bell rings.) (The bell barely stops ringing before Peter reaches the front steps of the building. Looking around to check if anyone’s watching him, he leaps over a fence taller than himself without touching it.) (Peter runs toward a deli and nods at a man sitting at the corner.) [Peter] Hey, what’s up? [Man] Hey, man. (Peter enters Delmar's Deli-Grocery and heads to the counter. He seems like he’s quite a regular at the store.) [Peter] What’s up, Mr. Delmar? [Mr. Delmar] Hey, Mr. Parker. Number five, right? (Peter picks up jelly in a plastic bag and puts it on the counter. It says "Best By 03.16.18.") [Peter] Yeah, um, and, uh, with pickles, and can you smush it down real flat? Thanks. [Deli Clerk] You got it, boss. [Mr. Delmar] How’s your aunt? [Peter] Yeah, she’s alright. (Mr. Delmar turns to speak to his staff in Spanish.) [Mr. Delmar] La tía de é les una italiana muy bellissima. (His aunt is a very hot Italian woman.) [Deli Clerk] ¿Ah, sí? (Oh, yeah?) [Peter] ¿Cómo está tu hija, eh? (How is your daughter, huh?) (The deli staff hoots behind the counter. Delmar’s grin fades.) [Mr. Delmar] Ten dollars. [Peter] It’s five dollars. [Mr. Delmar] For that comment, ten dollars. [Peter] Hey, come on, I’m joking. I’m joking. (Peter pulls out some cash from his wallet and hands it over to Delmar. Delmar takes the money with a grumpy look on his face.) [Peter] Here’s five dollars. (Peter moves toward a fat cat lying on the counter and pets him.) [Peter] What’s up, Murph? How you doing, buddy? (When he returns to collect his food, Mr. Delmar strikes up a conversation.) [Mr. Delmar] So, how’s school? [Peter] Ah, you know, it’s boring. Got better things to do. [Mr. Delmar] Stay in school, kid. Stay in school. Otherwise, you’re gonna end up like me. [Peter] This is great. [Mr. Delmar] Best sandwiches in Queens. (He hands Peter his sandwich.) (Peter leaves the store and runs across the street with a bag of sandwich in his hand. He passes under an elevated train track, holding up his palm at a cab that honks at him, and runs into an alley. He takes off his shoes and throws them aside. He seems to be in a hurry.) (From his backpack, Peter pulls out a blue and red Spider-Man suit. He knocks over a garbage can as he awkwardly takes off his pants. Peter yanks off his shirt and sweater, then steps into his suit, wearing only his boxers. Jumping, he pulls the full-body suit up over his legs. Peter fits his arms in the sleeves, then puts on the mask, which covers his entire head. The baggy suit hangs loosely over his slender frame.) (Peter webs his backpack against a dumpster, then hits the spider emblem on his chest. The material shrinks, fitting him snugly.) (Peter presses a button on his web-shooter, activating hologram displays, adjusts the lenses on his high tech mask, and jumps onto the roof of a building. “Blizkrieg Bop” by Ramones starts to play as he leaps across roofs with his sandwich bag in hand. Crouching down on a ledge, he looks down at the streets and sighs.) [Peter] Ah, finally. (A bicycle chain is broken. The thief rides the stolen bike down a sidewalk, pushing passersby off the street. Peter swings after him, lands in front of him, and holds out one end of a strand of web.) [Peter] Hey, could you hold this for a second? Thanks. (When the thief looks down at his hand, Peter uses his momentary distraction to glue him to the web. Peter lets go and the thief is pulled into the air. The thief still dangling above him, Peter holds up the bike and searches for its owner.) [Peter] Hey, is this anybody’s bike? No? (A man comes out of a store.) [Peter] Hey, buddy, is this your bike? [Man] I have no change. [Peter] Does anyone have a pen? Do you have a pen? (On the handle of the bike, Peter has left a note saying: “IS THIS YOUR BIKE? IF NOT, DON’T STEAL IT! SPIDER-MAN.”) (Peter swings by a train station high above ground level and strikes a pose.) [Peter] Whoo! Everybody good? (He then rides on top of a subway car, reading something on his phone.) (Peter is slowly standing up on the edge of a building, the flag of the United States billowing in the wind behind him, when a man calls out:) [Street Vendor] Hey! You’re that spider guy on YouTube, right? [Peter] Call me Spider-Man! [Street Vendor] Okay, Spider-Man. Do a flip. (Peter does a backflip on the roof.) [Street Vendor] Yeah! [Man] Not bad. (One moment, Peter is swinging down from rooftops and yelling, and another moment, he is patiently giving directions to an old woman. A thin strand of web suspended between a building and an old, rusty water tank, he practices his tightrope skills, too.) (A man tries to open a car door with a thin slab of metal. Peter sees this, jumps onto the roof of the car, then uses his web to bang the man’s head on the car. The car starts to make loud beeping noises.) [Peter] Hey, buddy. Shouldn’t steal cars. It’s bad. (Peter glues the man’s hand to the car and jumps off.) [Car Jacker] It’s my car, dumbass! (An old woman, Marjorie, looks out from her window and starts to shout at Peter. All hell breaks loose.) [Marjorie] Hey! Shut that off! [Peter] I was just tryin’ to- [Car Jacker] Can you tell him it’s my car? [Day Sleeper] I work at nights! Come on, dude! [Old Man] That’s not your car! That’s his car. [Peter] How was I supposed to know? He was putting that thing in the window! [Resident 1] Every day with these damn alarms! [Resident 2] Shut it off! (The neighbors continue to shout at Peter. An old, white-haired man wearing sunglasses (Stan Lee cameo) shouts at Peter, but then Marjorie notices him from the building across the street.) [Gary] Don’t make me come down there, you punk! [Marjorie] Hey, Gary. How you doing? [Gary] Marjorie, how are you? How’s your mother? (Later. Peter swings through an alley. His grip on his web slips, causing him to fall on his face.) [Peter] Ugh! I’m good, I’m good. (Later. The sun is setting) [Voicemail] You have reached the voicemail box of... [Happy] Happy Hogan. (We find Peter perching on a fire exit high above the ground and munching on his sandwich.) [Peter] Hey, Happy! Um, here’s my report for tonight. I stopped a grand theft bicycle. Couldn’t find the owner, so I just left a note. Um... I helped this lost, old Dominican lady. She was really nice and bought me a churro. So I just, um, feel like I could be doing more. You know? Just curious when the next real mission is gonna be. So, yeah, just call me back. It’s Peter. Parker. (Peter hangs up his phone and sighs.) [Peter] Why would I tell him about the churro? (A warning signal blinks on his web-shooter. Web fluid low. Peter ejects the cartridge, then scrambles to catch it, standing sideways off the fire escape. He places the cartridge on his belt. And spots four men entering a closed bank.) [Robber 1] Can’t wait to see this thing, guys. [Peter] Finally, something good. (Inside Queens Community Bank, a robber wearing a Hulk mask is cutting the ATM with a high tech tool that has a glowing Chitauri energy core inside.) [Robber 1] Yo, this high tech stuff makes it too easy. [Robber 2] Told you it was worth it. [Robber 1] Okay, go, go, go. (Another robber uses a high tech device to grab and pull off the front of the ATM. The huge chunk of metal is suspended in air. Other robbers start to bag the cash.) [Robber 3] Oh, nice. [Robber 4] We can hit, like, five more places tonight. (Behind them, Peter silently comes through the door and awkwardly tries to strike a casual but cool-looking pose.) [Peter] (clears his throat) What’s up, guys? You forgot your PIN number? (The robbers turn to him. Reveal that they are wearing cheap plastic masks of the Avengers. The Hulk, Captain America, Thor, and Iron man.) [Peter] Whoa! You’re the Avengers. What are you guys doing here? (One of the robbers loads his gun but Peter uses his web to grab it and hit “Iron Man” and “Thor” with it. He then proceeds to push “Hulk” away. His sticky feet hold “Thor” and throw him into a wall.) [Peter] Thor. Hulk. Good to finally meet you guys. I thought you’d be more handsome in person. (Peter is hanging upside down from the ceiling when “Iron Man” starts to throw aimless punches at him.) [Peter] Iron Man. Hey, what are you doing robbing a bank? You’re a billionaire. (“Hulk” comes up with a high tech weapon. Peter quickly dodges a punch from “Iron Man,” who loses balance and ends up punching “Hulk” instead. They both fall to the ground. Meanwhile, “Captain America” succeeds in picking up the high tech device that had been used to pull the metal chunk off the ATM and aims it at Peter. Peter jumps at him but is suspended in air for a short time. His voice is all distorted when he says:) [Peter] Hey! Oh, this feels so weird. (He is thrown against the wall.) [Peter] Whoa, what is that thing? (He is once more caught in the force field of the device and is thrown back and forth between the ceiling and the floor.) [Peter] I’m starting... to think... you’re not... the Avengers! (With his sticky fingers, he holds onto the ground and shoots his web at a desk in the corner. He pulls on it and hits “Captain America” with his force field device.) (Mr. Delmar is watching the attempted bank robbery from his deli across the street; money flying everywhere, Spider-Man jumping off walls, the “Avengers” trying to fight him.) [911 Operator] 911. What’s your emergency? [Mr. Delmar] Uh... Spider-Man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st street. [Peter] Alright guys, let’s wrap this up. It’s a school night. (Peter kicks “Thor” into a glass wall, making it crack. “Iron Man” holds up the force field device, but before he can do anything, Peter webs the device against the glass, jumps onto “Iron Man,” and checks his face underneath the mask.) [Peter] So, how do jerks like you get tech like this? (“Hulk” fires up the device that cuts through metal.) [Peter] No. Wait, wait, wait! (Peter quickly pulls “Iron Man” and himself out of the way. The plasma blast cuts through walls and hits Mr. Delmar’s store across the street. The deli-grocery bursts into flames.) [Peter] Mr. Delmar. (Peter quickly runs into the decimated store.) [Peter] Hey, Mr. Delmar, you in there? Is anybody in here? Hello? (He helps Mr. Delmar, who is wheezing and coughing but alive, out of the burning building. Murph the cat is safe in Peter’s arms, too. But when he turns to the bank, he finds that it is empty. The robbers have escaped.) [Peter] Oh, come on. You’ve got to be- (The cat starts to meow. Peter hands Murph to Mr. Delmar.) [Peter] Here, here. [Mr. Delmar] Good, yeah. (Inside the Avengers Tower, Tony’s belongings are being packed up. Dum-E picks up an expensive-looking china vase.) [Happy] (to Dum-E) Okay. Good. Yes. Yes- No. No, put that down. That’s worth more than you or me. (takes a call) Yeah? (Peter is running down a rooftop.) [Peter] Happy, the craziest thing just happened to me. These guys were robbing an ATM with these high tech weapons- [Happy] Hey, take a breath, okay? I don’t have time for ATM robberies... [Peter] Yeah, but- [Happy] ...or the thoughtful notes you leave behind. I have moving day to worry about. Everything’s gotta be out of here by next week. (Peter jumps onto another rooftop, then stops in his tracks.) [Peter] Wait. Wait! You’re moving? Who’s moving? [Happy] Yeah, don’t you watch the news? Tony sold Avengers Tower. We’re relocating to a new facility upstate where, hopefully, the cell service is much worse. [Peter] But what about me? (It is Happy’s turn to be confused.) [Happy] What about you? (Peter sits down on a streetlamp.) [Peter] Well, what if Mr. Stark needs me or something, I don’t know, something big goes down? Can I please just talk to Mr. Stark? [Happy] Look, just stay away from anything too dangerous. I’m responsible for making sure you’re responsible, okay? (Peter leaps down into the alley he stashed his backpack in.) [Peter] I am responsible. I- Oh, crap. My backpack’s gone. (Happy is now standing inside an elevator.) [Happy] That doesn’t sound responsible. [Peter] I’ll call you back. [Happy] Feel free not to. (The elevator doors slide close as Happy cuts the call.) (Peter puts his mask back on and runs out of the alley.) (Peter climbs up his apartment building, still clad in his Spider-Man suit and dodging windows. He slides the top of his bedroom window open and looks inside. Aunt May passes in front of his open door.) (Peter climbs into the bedroom via his ceiling and closes the window with his foot. He pulls off his mask, throws it away, and crawls across the ceiling. Trying to make no sound, he pushes the door close and hops down to the floor. We hear a quiet click as the door latch slides into place.) (Peter makes a turn to find Ned sitting on his bed. Shocked, mouth agape. The Lego Death Star crashes to the ground and breaks down into pieces.) [May] What was that? [Peter] Uh, it’s nothing. It’s nothing! [Ned] You’re the Spider-Man. From YouTube. [Peter] I’m not. I’m not. (Peter presses the spider emblem on his chest. The suit becomes baggy again and falls down from his body.) [Ned] You were on the ceiling. [Peter] No, I wasn’t. Ned, what are you doing in my room? [Ned] May let me in. You said we were gonna finish the Death Star. [Peter] You can’t just bust into my room! (May opens the door, setting her hair free from a low bun. She waves a rag in front of her face to dissipate the smoke coming from the kitchen.) [May] The turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster. Let’s go to dinner. Thai? Ned, you want Thai? [Ned] Yes. [Peter] No. He’s got a thing. [Ned] A thing to do after. [May] Okay. (She waves a finger at Peter, who is clad only in his boxers.) [May] Maybe put on some clothes. (May leaves and closes the door behind her.) [Ned] Oh, she doesn’t know? [Peter] Nobody knows. I mean, Mr. Stark knows because he made my suit, but that’s it. [Ned] (whispers) Tony Stark made you that? Are you an Avenger? [Peter] (hesitates) Yeah, basically. [Ned] Whoa... [Peter] You can’t tell anybody about this. You gotta keep it a secret. [Ned] A secret? Why? [Peter] You know what she’s like. If she finds out people try and kill me every single night, she’s not going to let me do this anymore. Come on, Ned, please. [Ned] Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I’ll level with you. I don’t think I can keep this a secret. This is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, Peter! [Peter] Ned, May cannot know. I cannot do that to her right now, you know? I mean, everything that’s happened with her, I... Please. [Ned] Okay. [Peter] Just swear it, okay? [Ned] I swear. [Peter] Thank you. [Ned] Yeah. (Peter walks away, running his hands through his hair.) [Peter] I can’t believe this is happening right now. [Ned] Can I try the suit on? [Peter] No. [Ned] How does it work? Is it magnets? How do you shoot the strings? [Peter] I’m gonna tell you about this at school tomorrow, okay? [Ned] Great. Okay, well, wait, then. How do you do this and the Stark internship? [Peter] This is the Stark internship. [Ned] Oh. [Peter] Just get out of here. (Peter ushers Ned out, leans on the door, and facepalms.) (Peter and may are sitting at a small table at Prachya Thai and eating dinner. May tries to make Peter talk, but he looks distracted.) [May] What’s the matter? Thought you loved larb. It’s too larby? Not larby enough. How many times do I have to say “larb” before you talk to me? You know I larb you. [Peter] I’m just stressed. The internship, and I’m tired. A lot of work. [May] The Stark internship. I have to tell you, not a fan of that Tony Stark. Distracted all the time... he’s got you in your head. (A news report on the television behind May catches Peter’s attention.) [News Anchor] The beloved Queens’ institution, Delmar’s Sandwiches, was destroyed... [May] What does he have you doing? [News Anchor] ...in an explosion... [May] You need to use your instincts. (She becomes quiet as she turns to listen to the news reporter.) [News Anchor] ...earlier tonight after an ATM robbery was thwarted by Queens’ own colorful local crime-stopper, the Spider-Man. As the Spider-Man attempted to foil their heist, a powerful blast was set off, slicing through the bodega across the street. Miraculously, no one was harmed. (Aunt May turns back to Peter with a serious expression.) [May] If you spot something like that happening, you turn and you run the other way. [Peter] Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. [May] Six blocks away from us. [Peter] I... uh... I need a new backpack. (May puts a finger to her ear, disbelief clear on her face.) [May] What? [Peter] I need a new backpack. [May] That’s five. (A waiter brings a new dish to their table, his eyes glued on May.) [Thai Waiter] Sticky rice pudding. [May] Oh, we didn’t order that. [Thai Waiter] It’s on the house. (The waiter winks, then leaves.) [May] Oh! Thanks. (to Peter) That’s nice of him. [Peter] I think he larbs you. (At Peter’s joke, May points at herself with a exaggerated look of surprise.) (The next morning, Peter is walking down the street with Ned, carrying a huge stack of thick books in his arms due to the loss of his backpack.) [Ned] You got bit by a spider? Can it bite me? Well, it probably would’ve hurt, right? You know what? Whatever. Even if it did hurt, I’d let it bite me. Maybe. How much did it hurt? [Peter] The spider’s dead, Ned. (Peter cuts the conversation short, allowing no room for further discussion on the subject. Ned shrugs and looks ahead. His eyes go wide.) [Ned] Whoa. (Ned and Peter stop short, examining Delmar’s Sandwiches. It is almost burnt down, the store name almost illegible. Police tape and barricades surround the shop. Various police officers and crime scene investigators are working around it.) [Ned] You were here? (Peter warily eyes the agents standing near the scene.) [Peter] Yeah. [Ned] You could’ve died. (The teens stare at the badly damaged building. Expressions completely serious.) [Ned] Do you lay eggs? [Peter] What? No. (Peter laughs at the absurd and anticlimactic suggestion.) (In the middle of a chemistry lecture. A torch is boiling a dark-colored liquid on the desk. Peter and Ned are wearing safety glasses. Ned rolls over in his chair toward Peter, who is scribbling in his notebook.) [Ned] (in a low voice) Can you spit venom? [Peter] No. [Ned] Can you summon an army of spiders? (Suppressing a sigh, Peter looks up in the guise of concentrating on the lecture and bends down again to take some notes.) [Peter] No, Ned. [History Teacher] The Sokovia Accords were put into place... (Over Peter’s shoulder, we see a teacher droning on. Ned leans into frame and engages in a whispered conversation with Peter.) [Ned] How far can you shoot your webs? [Peter] It’s unknown. Shut up. [History Teacher] ...to begin regulating... [Ned] If I was you, I would stand on the edge of a building and just shoot it as far as I could- [Peter] Shut up, Ned. (Peter’s voice rises a little in volume. The girl sitting in front of Peter and Ned turns around and shoots them an irritated glare.) (A small, old television is set up beside Coach Wilson, the PE teacher, who is standing with a bored expression. Captain America’s Fitness Challenge is playing on the screen. Captain America, in his full uniform, smiles pleasantly, standing in a locker room.) [Steve] Hi. I’m Captain America. Whether you’re in the classroom or on the battlefield... (Midtown High students are sitting in neat rows on the bleachers, watching Captain America give a speech on screen. We close up on Peter and Ned. Behind them, Michelle is completely engrossed in a book called ‘Of Human Bondage’.) [Ned] Do you know him too? [Peter] Yeah, we met. (Ned’s eyes widen in awe and his jaw goes slack.) [Steve] ...fitness can be the difference between success or failure. [Peter] I stole his shield. (Peter boasts, feigning nonchalance. Ned’s jaw drops even more.) [Ned] What? (Peter and Ned continue to watch the television with their classmates. We can see Captain over their shoulders.) [Steve] Today, my good friend, your gym teacher... (Captain points to his right. Coach Wilson, who is apparently standing on the wrong side, waves his hand to the students.) [Steve] ...will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge. (He raises his hand in a salute. The screen transitions to ‘Station I: Sit-ups’.) [Coach Wilson] Thank you, Captain. I’m pretty sure this guy’s a war criminal now, but whatever. I have to show these videos. It’s required by the state. Let’s do it. (Coach Wilson blows his whistle.) (Midtown High School students are engaged in various exercises. Climbing ropes, doing chin-ups, push-ups, et cetera. Michelle is lying on a mat by herself and wielding her book like a weight, still immersed in its contents. We travel between students doing sit-ups in pairs.) [Ned] Do Avengers have to pay taxes? [Peter] Shh! [Ned] What does Hulk smell like? [Peter] Shh! [Ned] I bet he smells nice. [Peter] You have to shut up. [Ned] Is Captain America cool, or is he like a mean, old grandpa? [Peter] Ned, just, shh, okay? (We finally find Peter lying on a mat and doing sit-ups. Ned is holding his legs in place for him.) [Ned] Hey, can I be your guy in the chair? [Peter] What? [Ned] Yeah. You know how there’s a guy with a headset telling the other guy where to go? (Peter’s face contorts into a weird expression. He is still doing sit-ups faster than any other student.) [Ned] Like, like if you’re stuck in a burning building, I could tell you where to go. Because there’d be screens around me, and I could, you know, swivel around, and... ‘Cause I could be your guy in the chair. [Peter] Ned, I don’t need a guy in the chair. [Coach Wilson] Looking good, Parker. (The teacher points at Peter as he passes the mat that Peter and Ned are working out on. Peter glances at him, then frowns and takes a huffing breath, trying to look as if the exercise is really taking a toll on him.) (On the bleachers, Liz is sitting with a group of friends.) [Betty] Now, see, for me, it would be F Thor, marry Iron Man, and kill Hulk. [Charles] Well, what about the Spider-Man? [Betty] It’s just Spider-Man. (When the word “Spider-Man” reaches Peter and Ned’s ears, they stop and turn at the same time to see Liz and her friends.) [Liz] Did you guys see the bank security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys. (Peter’s eyes go wide.) [Betty] Oh my God, she’s crushing on Spider-Man. [Charles] No way. [Liz] (shrugs) Kind of? [Betty] Ugh, gross. (Ned and Peter exchange a look, surprised at the turn of events. Then they look back at Liz and her friends, still listening in on their conversation.) [Betty] He’s probably like, thirty. [Charles] You don’t even know what he looks like. Like, what if he’s, like, seriously burned? [Liz] I wouldn’t care. I would still love him for the person he is on the inside. [Ned] (in a loud voice) Peter knows Spider-Man! (Peter looks at Ned, shocked. Mouth comically agape. Everyone in the gym simultaneously drops their assignments and stares at Peter. Peter hurriedly gets up and walks to the bleachers. Ned scrambles to his feet to follow him.) [Peter] (stuttering) No, I don’t. No. I... I mean... (Flash, who was climbing up a rope, slides down to the ground.) [Ned] They’re friends. [Flash] Yeah, like Coach Wilson and Captain America are friends. [Peter] (stuttering) I’ve met him. Yeah. A couple times. But it’s, um... through the Stark internship. Mm-hmm. (Peter turns to Ned, teeth set.) [Peter] Yeah, well. I’m not really supposed to talk about it. [Flash] Well, that’s awesome. Hey, you know what? Maybe you should invite him to Liz’s party. Right? [Liz] Yeah, I’m having people over tonight. You’re more than welcome to come. [Peter] Having a party? [Flash] Yeah, it’s gonna be dope. You should totally invite your personal friend Spider-Man. [Peter] Um... [Liz] It’s okay. I know Peter’s way too busy for parties anyway, so... (Liz comes to Peter’s rescue, saving Peter from embarrassing himself even further. Flash saunters closer and walks by Peter.) [Flash] Come on. He’ll be there. Right, Parker? (The bell buzzes. Tilting her head toward Peter in a tiny nod of farewell, Liz walks off. Peter, frustrated, throws his hands in the air and swivels to glare at Ned. He moves closer.) [Peter] What are you doing? [Ned] (in a hushed voice) Helping you out. Did you not hear her? Liz has a crush on you. (Peter hesitates, searching for words.) [Ned] Dude, you’re an Avenger. If any one of us has a chance with a senior girl, it’s you. (Ned walks away. Peter stands rooted in place, considering the idea.) (May drives Ned and Peter to Liz’s house. Exciting, upbeat music pours out from the house. May slows her car and talks to the boys.) [May] House party in the suburbs. Oh, I remember these. Kind of jealous. [Ned] It’ll be a night to remember. [May] (laughs) Ned, some hats wear men. You wear that hat. [Ned] Yeah, it gives me confidence. [May] Hmm. (Peter is looking out the window, removed from the merry conversation taking place beside him.) [Peter] This is a mistake. (to May) Hey, let’s just go home. [May] Oh, Peter. I know. I know it’s really hard trying to fit in with all the changes your body’s going through. It’s flowering now. (The absurd, out-of-place speech makes Peter chuckle.) [Peter] Uh-huh. [May] (to Ned) He’s so stressed out lately. [Ned] What helps with stress is going to a party. We should go to the party. [Peter] Yeah, let’s do it. Yeah. I’m gonna go. I’m gonna go. (Peter opens the car door and steps out.) [May] Peter. (When Aunt May calls his name, Peter stops and leans in to listen to his aunt through the window. Ned gets out behind them.) [May] Have fun, okay? [Peter] (nods) I will. [May] (in a soft voice) Okay. [Ned] Bye, May! (Ned waves with a huge grin on his face. Peter closes the door and catches up to him. They approach the house side by side.) [Ned] Dude, you have the suit, right? (Peter pulls up his sleeve in order to offer Ned a glimpse of his Spider-Man suit under it.) [Peter] Yeah. [Ned] This is gonna change our lives. (The front door opens, revealing Peter and Ned. They enter the crowded house party and glance around anxiously. Peter looks especially nervous. Two girls pass by in front of them, not taking any interest in their arrival.) [Girl] Annie, over here! [Annie] Hey. (Flash is running a DJ station. Ostentatious in headphones and a yellow shirt.) [Male Voice] DJ Flash! [Ned] Okay. We’re gonna have Spider-Man swing in, say you guys are tight, and then I get a fist bump or one of those half bro-hugs. [Michelle] Can’t believe you guys are at this lame party. (Michelle carelessly throws her hair back, trying to act cool. She is in the process of spreading jam on a slice of toast.) [Ned] But you’re here too. [Michelle] Am I? (The toast crunches as Michelle takes a bite out of it and walks away.) [Liz] Oh, my gosh. (When Peter hears Liz’s voice, his eyes go wide. He turns his head towards the sound. Liz walks down the hallway to Peter and Ned.) [Liz] Hey, guys. Cool hat, Ned. [Ned] Hi, Liz. [Peter] Hi, Liz. (Peter’s high-pitched and squeaky voice betrays his nervousness.) [Liz] I’m so happy you guys came. There’s pizza and drinks. Help yourself. [Peter] What a great party. [Liz] Thanks. (The sound of glass breaking catches their attention.) [Liz] (sheepish) Oh, I... My parents will kill me if anything’s broken. I gotta- [Peter] Yeah. [Liz] Have fun. [Ned] Bye. [Liz] Bye. (Liz walks away.) [Ned] Dude, what are you doing? She’s here. Spider it up. [Peter] No, no, no. I can’t... I cannot do this. Spider-Man is not a party trick, okay? Look, I’m just gonna... be myself. [Ned] (sighs) Peter, no one wants that. [Peter] Dude. (Peter starts to walk away, a little bit hurt by the remark.) [Flash] (into a microphone) Penis Parker, what’s up? (Flash plays a honking sound on the stereo system.) [Flash] So, where’s your pal Spider-Man? Let me guess. In Canada with your imaginary girlfriend? (Honking noise again. Everyone around them laughs except Peter and Ned.) [Flash] That’s not Spider-Man. That’s just Ned in a red shirt. (The crowd boos and chuckles. Peter frowns, determined.) (A shirt drops to the floor and joins the already discarded pairs of jeans and shoes. Peter is standing on a roof. He steps over his clothes, wearing his Spider-Man suit, pulls off his T-shirt. As he mutters to himself, he tries to find a way to make his voice sound different.) [Peter] Hey, what’s up? I’m Spider-Man. Just thought I’d swing by and say hello to my buddy Peter. Oh, what’s up, Ned? Hey, where’s Peter, anyways? He must be around... (Peter sighs, watching the party through glass walls with a discouraged look.) [Peter] God, this is stupid. What am I doing? (Peter spots Ned looking for him. Then something catches his eyes. A bright blue explosion in the distance. He stands, staring at it with concern.) [Peter] What the hell? (Peter runs across the roof and puts on his mask. Shooting webs through trees, he swings down the street.) (He lands on another roof, flips off the house, then shoots a thin line of spiderweb over a vast golf course. It flies off, having nothing to attach itself to. Wide shot on Peter running across the golf course. The sprinklers are activated.) [Peter] (gasping) This sucks! (Beside a bridge, we see a discarded car, scraps of metal ripped out from it. A blue ray shoots through the air at a great speed towards it. The car blows up in a huge explosion and makes the shooters cringe in surprise. One of them hoots and laughs as bolts of electricity burst out from the explosion.) (Jackson Brice powers down the weapon. The fingers sticking out from the end of the gun curl in on themselves, forming a loose fist.) [Brice] Now, this is crafted from a reclaimed sub-Ultron arm straight from Sokovia. Here. You try. (Brice hands over the weapon to Aaron Davis, who takes it.) [Aaron] Man, I wanted something low-key. Why are you trying to upsell me, man? (Behind them, Peter silently crawls down the side of the bridge.) [Brice] Okay, okay, okay. I got what you need, all right? I got tons of great stuff here. One sec. (Hiding, Peter watches as Brice walks up to his van and looks inside. Spider-Man’s eyes narrow. The back of the van is full of machinery and weapons.) [Brice] Okay, I got, uh, black hole grenades, Chitauri railguns... [Schultz] You letting off shots in public now? Hurry up. Look, times are changing. We’re the only ones selling these high tech weapons. [Peter] (whispers) Oh, this must be where the ATM robbers got their stuff. [Aaron] I need something to stick up somebody. I’m not trying to shoot them back in time. [Brice] I got anti-grav climbers. [Aaron] Yo, climbers? (Suddenly, a yodeling ringtone plays. The weapon dealers look around, alarmed.) [Brice] Okay, what the hell was that? (The phone continues to ring. Peter takes his phone out to check caller ID. Ned is making a funny face on the screen. Schultz aims his gun at Aaron.) [Schultz] Did you set us up? [Aaron] Hey, hey, man. (Peter flips off the wall and lands on the ground.) [Peter] Hey! Hey, come on. You gonna shoot at somebody, shoot at me. [Schultz] All right. (Schultz turns the gun on Peter, but Peter shoots his web, disarms Schultz, and charges. Using a high tech gauntlet from his van, Brice punches Peter with a burst of energy. Peter slams into the side of the bridge and lands on the ground.) (Schultz jumps in and starts the car. Brice, laughing triumphantly, jumps onto the back of the van as his accomplice drives off.) [Peter] What was that? (Peter shoots his web, attaching it to the weapon dealers’ open van door.) (The van drags in through a neighborhood, knocking Peter into a trash can.) [Peter] What? Ah! (He shoots a second strand of web.) [Schultz] We gotta call him. [Brice] No, no, no, no. (Brice readies another high tech weapon. Outside, Peter is holding on with two thin lines of web, trying to maintain balance. Brice fires another burst of energy. It breaks off the van door.) [Schultz] Did you just do it again? [Brice] Shut up. [Schultz] I’m calling him. (We see a phone buzzing on a table littered with computer chips and various tools. Mason picks it up. Glancing around, he answers it.) [Mason] Toomes’ phone. (He cringes at the sound of combat coming from the other end. Toomes is working nearby, welding something, when Mason calls for him.) [Mason] Boss. (Peter is still being dragged through the neighborhood, clinging to the back of the van.) [Peter] Oh, my butt! Unh! (Brice powers more energy blasts at Peter, causing him to lose his grasp on one of the webs. Just as Brice powers up the weapon once more, the van meets a road bump. The whole car wobbles, making Brice accidentally fire a hole in the van. He drops the weapon and it rolls out of the vehicle. The weapons comes to a stop in someone's yard.) (Schultz makes a sharp turn, making Peter slam into the side of a parked car. Peter then gets dragged through a line of garbage bins. He hits a solid brick pillar and drops to the ground along with a heap of bricks. Peter’s webs break off. Schultz checks the side mirror. Peter has recovered from the collision. He runs to get a clean shot and extends his hand. The web travels through the air and attaches itself to the remaining van door, but the door breaks off, already weakened by the rough treatment it received. Peter throws his arms up, exasperated.) [Peter] Great. Guess I’m gonna have to take a shortcut. (Peter jogs on the sidewalk, jumps over a tall metal gate, and slides over a parked car. Two men are playing ping-pong in a garage as Peter runs across the yard.) [Peter] Hey, guys. Good game. Have fun. (The neighbors stop their game and gape after Spider-Man in disbelief. A dog runs into Peter, barking and standing on its hind legs to lick Peter’s face. Peter retrieves a ball with his web and throws it to the side for the dog.) [Peter] Hey, hey, buddy. Sorry, no time to play. Here, go fetch. (Peter swings through the neighborhood, hanging on tree branches and streetlights.) [Peter] Whoo! Now, this is more like it. (He glides into another yard. Shooting his web, he accidentally holds onto a treehouse and knocks it off the tree. That makes him lose his grasp and land hard on the roof of a shed. It collapses under his weight.) [Peter] Whoa, whoa, whoa! (After a few awkward banging noises, Peter rips through the door, runs across the yard, and slams through a wooden fence. He leaps into the air only to land on a small toy car, which rolls forward. Losing his balance, Peter gets tangled in a soccer net and stumbles through the hedge.) [Peter] Whoa. (He waves his hand to a man having a barbecue in his own backyard.) [Peter] Smells really good! (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” is playing on the television at a pool party, the sequence closely resembling Peter’s travel through the neighborhood. Suddenly, Peter flies into frame.) [Peter] Great movie! (Peter skims over the pool, splashing water over the partygoers and making them scream in surprise. He then gets tangled in fairy lights and crash lands on another yard, right beside two little girls having a sleepover in a tent. The eyes on his mask malfunction, fluttering open and close in a creepy fashion.) [Peter] Ugh... Oh, hey, guys. [Tent Kids] Aahhh! [Peter] No! No! (The tent flips over in the girls’ overzealous attempt to escape.) (Ned stealthily brings his phone up to his ear, only to reach Peter’s voicemail.) [Peter] (on recording) Hey, it’s Peter. Leave a message. (The phone plays a beeping tone.) [Ned] (whispers) Peter, where are you? The hat’s not working. This is not cool. (The van zooms down the suburban street. Smoke is billowing out from the back of it. Peter falls from above, narrowly missing the car.) [Peter] Almost got you. (He knocks over some garbage bins in his attempt to leap up onto a roof. Running across the roofs of neighboring houses, Peter tries his best to keep the van in sight. Slates become loose and fall off the roof under Peter’s feet.) [Peter] (panting) Thought you got away from me, didn’t you? I got you right where I want you. (Finally catching up, Peter jumps toward the van.) [Peter] Surprise! (Suddenly, Vulture snatches him from behind, flying in the wing suit, and soars high. Peter screams, looking down.) [Peter] What the hell? (Peter wrestles to pull his leg free from Vulture’s grasp. Noticing the struggle, Vulture trains his glowing eyes at Peter menacingly and carries him even higher. Suddenly, the spider drawn on the back of Peter’s suit starts to beep and blink. A parachute unfolds itself from the hidden compartment. The air resistance from it makes rips Peter from Vulture’s grasp. During his descent, Peter gets wrapped up in the fabric.) [Peter] Aahhhh! (Peter’s chaotic point of view shows him plunging toward the city.) (Peter plunges into a lake. He struggles to free himself from the parachute as he sinks deeper and deeper.) (Up above, the surface is calm, not betraying Peter’s desperate fight underwater. A figure dives into the water in an admirably fast speed. Iron Man emerges, carrying Peter. Holding him under his arms. Peter’s head hang slumped. The eyes on his mask blink open.) [Peter] Huh? Oh, hey. (Peter wrings his mask. Water drips from it. He is sitting on a jungle gym. In front of him, Iron Man is floating in the air.) [Peter] And then he just, he just, like, swooped down like a monster and he picked me up and, uh, he took me up, like, a thousand feet and just dropped me. How’d you find me? Did you put a tracker in my suit or something? [Tony] I put everything in your suit. Including this heater. [Peter] Whoa! (The suit is dried instantly. Steam rises from it, surrounding Peter.) [Peter] Whew, that’s better. Thanks. (Peter shivers, his teeth chattering.) [Tony] What were you thinking? [Peter] The guy with the wings is obviously the source of the weapons. I gotta take him down. [Tony] Take him down now, huh? Steady, Crockett, there are people who handle this sort of thing. [Peter] The Avengers? [Tony] No, no, no. This is a little below their pay grade. [Peter] Anyway, Mr. Stark, you didn’t have to come all the way out here. I had that. I was fine. [Tony] Oh, I’m not here. (Iron Man’s helmet opens, revealing an empty space where Tony’s face should have been.) (We are in India. Tony is dressed in a white kurta and wearing a red scarf around his neck. Behind him, Indian women in saris and garlands are participating in a traditional wedding.) [Tony] Thank God this place has Wi-Fi or you would be toast right now. Thank Ganesh while you’re at it. (A man brings Tony a drink. Tony makes a small toast, whispering his gratitude.) [Tony] Cheers. (Tony continues to talk through the empty suit, his helmet still open.) [Tony] Look, forget the flying vulture guy, please. [Peter] Why? [Tony] Why? Because I said so! (A woman walks to him. Tony demurely bends down in order to help her put a flower garland around his neck.) [Tony] Sorry, I’m talking to a teenager. (to Peter) Stay close to the ground. Build up your game helping little people, like that lady that bought you the churro. Can’t you just be a friendly... (Tony takes a sip from his drink and puts it down with a clink.) [Tony] ...neighborhood Spider-Man? [Peter] But I’m ready for more than that now. [Tony] No, you are not. (The empty Iron Man suit closes.) [Peter] That is not what you thought when I took on Captain America. [Tony] Trust me, kid. If Cap wanted to lay you out, he would’ve. Listen to me. If you come across these weapons again, call Happy. (Peter hears a car engine revving.) [Peter] Are you driving? (Tony gets in his car and shuts the door.) [Tony] You know, it’s never too early to start thinking about college. I got some pull at MIT. (at his phone) End call. (Tony drives off in his yellow Audi.) [Peter] No, I don’t need to go to col- Mr. Stark- [Friday] Mr. Stark is no longer connected. (The Iron Man suit flies off. Peter mutters grudgingly.) [Peter] That’s awesome. (Peter approaches an empty yard, wearing his mask again.) [Peter] (mutters) Stay close to the ground? What is he talking about? (He stops walking, spotting something. Peter enters the yard and finds a piece of Brice’s damaged weapon that had fallen out of the vehicle. He crouches down to tentatively flip it over with his fingertips.) [Peter] Whoa. (Peter finds the glowing energy core. His phone rings. Peter answers a call from Ned.) [Peter] Hey, man, what’s up? I’m on my way back. [Ned] Actually, I was calling to say maybe you shouldn’t come. Listen to this. (Ned pulls his phone off his ear and raises it into the air.) [Flash] When I say “penis,” you say “Parker.” Penis! [Crowd] Parker! [Flash] Penis! [Crowd] Parker! (Peter can still hear Flash and his friends chanting in the background.) [Ned] Sorry, Peter. I guess we’re still losers. I’ll see you tomorrow. [Peter] I’ll see you tomorrow in school. (Peter hangs up and carefully lifts the weapon. Metal and wires encase the glowing core. Peter looks up, determination clear on his masked face.) (In Toomes' warehouse, Mason is working on a small device which is glowing with a purple hue similar to the core of Peter’s discovery. He blows on the end of the soldering tool and picks up a glowing cube. Mason throws the cube into a refrigerator, creating a rectangular portal. He reaches through it and grabs a drink.) [Mason] Whoa, whoa. (The room shakes, making the cube parts fall off the refrigerator and closing the small opening. Toomes lands on the platform in his vulture suit. Stepping out of the suit, he walks down the stairs, stomping angrily.) [Toomes] Idiots. Idiots. (He throws his helmet.) [Toomes] Idiots! (A worker looks up at Vulture, alarmed.) [Mason] Boss. Your wife keeps texting you. Something about a brake light? (Vulture approaches Mason.) [Toomes] What’d I tell you about looking at my phone? [Mason] Oh, sorry. You left it out. You know I’m a curious person by nature. (Toomes takes the phone.) [Mason] I finished designing that high-altitude vacuum seal. [Toomes] Huh? [Mason] In case you want to, you know, go for the big one? [Toomes] You’re still on that? I told you, no. The answer’s no. Forget it. (The badly damaged van pulls into the warehouse. Vulture and Mason look at it curiously. Brice appears from the back of the van, not bothering to open the nonexistent doors which got ripped out during their fight with Spider-Man.) [Brice] Whoo! (Smiling, Brice takes off his hand-weapon and reaches Vulture.) [Brice] I mean, that was badass. (Annoyed, Toomes walks toward Brice.) [Toomes] How many times have I told you not to fire them out in the open? [Brice] You said, move the merchandise. [Toomes] Under the radar. Under the radar! That’s how we survive. If you bring Damage Control or the Avengers down here, we’re through. You’re out there wearing that goofy thing, lightning up cars, calling yourself the Shocker. “I’m the Shocker. I shock people.” What is this, pro wrestling? [Brice] Ah, whatever, old man. Come on. (Brice walks to a table and Vulture follows.) [Toomes] Look, look. I know you don’t give a crap about anything. But I do. I built this whole place because I got people I have to look after. [Brice] (mockingly) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (Vulture stares at Brice, his expression cold.) [Toomes] You know what? I can’t afford your bullshit. Get out of here. [Brice] What? [Toomes] You’re done. You’re off the crew. [Brice] Yeah, all right. All right. Wonder if you can afford me out there, though, right? With everything I know. (Brice walks off.) [Toomes] Excuse me? [Brice] Um, I’m just saying... (Vulture looks at Brice, properly annoyed.) [Brice] ...maybe your wife would like to know where you really get your money from. [Toomes] You know what? [Brice] What? [Toomes] You’re right. (to Mason, in a low voice) That work? [Mason] I don’t know. (Vulture looks at Brice again.) [Toomes] I can’t afford that. (Vulture picks up and fires the high-tech weapon which Mason was working on. A blue ray zaps Brice, burning him down to ashes. Brice’s gauntlet clatters to the ground. The weapon powers down. Vulture looks on, a little confused. Schultz eyes the ashes.) [Schultz] Damn. (Still confused, Vulture speaks to Mason.) [Toomes] I thought this was the antigravity gun. [Mason] What? No, that’s that one. (Mason points to another weapon. Dropping the weapon on the worktable, Vulture approaches Brice’s remains. He picks up the Shocker’s gauntlet and cleans off the ashes. He then tosses the gauntlet to Schultz.) [Toomes] Here. Now you’re the Shocker. Go out there and find that weapon he lost. [Schultz] All right. (Vulture walks off.) (In shop class, Peter hits the weapon core casing with a hammer. The core emits purple light as it is partially freed from the metal casing.) [Peter] Oh. (He starts to pull it apart. Ned joins him.) [Ned] Hey, thanks for bailing on me. [Peter] Yeah, well, something came up. (Ned spots the glowing core.) [Ned] Oh, what is that? (Peter struggles to take the machine apart.) [Peter] I don’t know. Some guy tried to vaporize me with it. [Ned] Seriously? [Peter] Yeah. [Ned] Awesome. (Peter looks at Ned at the absurd reaction.) [Ned] I mean, not awesome. Totally uncool of that guy. So scary. (Peter gives Ned a look and continues to work at the casing.) [Peter] Well, look, I think it’s a power source. [Ned] Yeah, but it’s connected to all these microprocessors. That’s an inductive charging plate. That’s what I use to charge my toothbrush. (Ned points at a complex-looking charging mechanism connected to various wires.) [Peter] Whoever’s making these weapons is obviously combining alien tech with ours. [Ned] That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be part of your journey into this amazing- (Peter is not listening to a word he’s saying. He brings up a hammer and hits the core really hard. The core pops out from its place, glowing. Peter and Ned immediately look at the teacher. The teacher is reading a book, sitting in his chair. He does not even spare a glance at the commotion they are causing.) [Mr. Hapgood] Keep your fingers clear of the blades. (Peter and Ned turn back and look at the core which popped out.) [Peter] I gotta figure out what this thing is and who makes it. [Ned] We’ll go to the lab after class and run some tests. (We see the core glowing on the table.) [Peter] Let’s do it. (Peter and Ned share a complicated secret handshake.) (Peter and Ned are walking down the hallway.) [Ned] First, I say we put the glowy thing in the mass spectrometer. [Peter] First, we gotta come up with a better name than “glowy thingy.” [Ned] You’re right. (Schultz and Randy walk in. Peter spots them and freezes instantly.) [Peter] Crap. (He throws himself behind a wall.) [Peter] (whispers) Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. (Ned looks around, then shuffles across the corridor to join Peter by a classroom window. Behind them, the chess club is peacefully playing a game. Peter peers around the corner.) [Schultz] High schools creep me out. (Peter and Ned peer at them.) [Schultz] They got this funny smell, you know? (Peter and Ned hide behind the wall again. They carry out a whispered conversation.) [Peter] Hey, that’s one of the guys that tried to kill me. [Ned] What? [Peter] Yeah. [Ned] We gotta get out of here. [Peter] No, no, no, no, no. I gotta follow them. Maybe they can lead me to the guy that dropped me in the lake. [Ned] Someone dropped you in a lake? [Peter] Yeah, it was not good. (Schultz and Randy enter a classroom.) [Ned] (whispers) Peter- [Peter] (whispers) No. Stay there, Ned. (Peter raises an arm to stop Ned and sneaks away.) [Ned] (whispers) Peter. (Ned is left standing alone. Through the window, Brian "Tiny" McKeever notices him. He knocks on the window, making Ned turn around, startled.) [Tiny] What are you doing? [Ned] (in a normal voice) Nothing. (Down the hall, Peter is trailing the two men. Ned tries to act nonchalant.) [Tiny] Oh. [Ned] Yeah. You good? [Tiny] Chess. (Peter sneaks down a staircase into the classroom. Schultz and Randy are rummaging through the room.) [Randy] Can you imagine what the boss would say if he knew where we were? [Schultz] It’s saying there was an energy pulse right here. (Peter slowly walks down the stairs and takes off his bag.) [Randy] There’s no sign of the weapon. And even if it was here, now it’s gone. [Schultz] So are we. (Schultz looks in Peter’s direction. We see no one there. An upside-down chair standing on the table shakes a little. Spotting the anomaly, Schultz gets closer, putting his hand on his gun. He crosses the room and pauses by the worktable, scanning the area. As the men head out, we tilt down to reveal Peter clinging under the table. He shoots a tiny robotic spider at one of the men’s shoes. It stealthily climbs up the man’s leg.) (Sitting in Peter's room, Ned holds the web-shooter. It projects a hologram model of the city. Peter hops onto the bed next to Ned.) [Ned] This is so awesome. [Peter] I know, right? (Ned pokes it and the model becomes more defined.) [Peter] They’re in Brooklyn. (Later. Ned is still studying the hologram and Peter is hanging upside down, eating chips.) [Ned] Staten Island. (Night has fallen. Ned lies on the floor while Peter works at his desk. Ned glances at the hologram.) [Ned] Leaving Jersey. (With a shooter, Peter projects a characterized image of his mask on the wall.) (Later. Ned now lies on the bed. The hologram model starts to beep. Startled, he sits up, wearing the Spider-Man mask. He grabs the hologram model next to him.) [Ned] They stopped. (Peter pops into frame, hanging from the ceiling. He turns around, a little groggy, and eyes the model.) [Peter] Maryland? [Ned] What’s there? [Peter] I don’t know. Evil lair? [Ned] They have a lair? [Peter] Dude. A gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings? Yeah, they have a lair. [Ned] (nods) Badass. But how are you gonna get there if it’s, like, 300 miles away? (They simultaneously turn to face the Academic Decathlon poster.) [Peter] It’s not too far from D.C. (Midtown High students are waiting by a yellow bus, dressed in their yellow uniform jackets. Peter runs toward them.) [Abe] Hey, it’s Peter. [Peter] Guys. [Liz] Peter? [Friend] Hey, buddy. [Peter] Yeah, I was hoping maybe I could rejoin the team. (Flash, standing in the back, walks forward to face Peter.) [Flash] No, no way. You can’t just quit on us, stroll up, and be welcomed back by everyone. (The teacher walks out of the bus.) [Mr. Harrington] Hey, welcome back, Peter. Flash, you’re back to first alternate. [Flash] What? [Abe] He’s taking your place. (Michelle appears behind them, sans uniform.) [Michelle] Excuse me, can we go already? ‘Cause I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of one of the embassies before dinner, so. [Mr. Harrington] Protesting is patriotic. Let’s get on the bus. (Flash shrugs off his jacket and sullenly thrusts it into Peter’s arms.) (The bus is travelling through the highway. 90 miles to Baltimore, 126 miles to Washington.) [Liz] Focus up, everyone. Our next topic is the moons of Saturn. (The students are holding bells, focusing on Liz’s quiz. They ring their bells before answering.) [Cindy] The second law of thermodynamics. [Charles] Frank Sinatra. [Flash] Fort Sumter. [Abe] Flash is wrong. [Liz] Okay, guys, let’s focus. Next one. [Mr. Harrington] Liz, don’t overwork them. [Peter] Uh, strontium, barium, vibranium. [Liz] Very good, Peter. Glad to have you back. [Peter] Glad to be back. (Peter’s phone vibrates. He takes it out to see that Happy is calling him.) [Liz] What is the current standard unit of radioactive- [Peter] Can I take this real quick? I’ll only be a sec. [Liz] Yeah, fine. (Peter answers his call, moving to the back seats. As he passes by, Michelle stares at him curiously, looking up from her book.) [Peter] Hello? (Happy is talking on the phone in the Avengers Tower. Behind him, workers are carrying things.) [Happy] Got a blip on my screen here. You left New York? (Decathlon practice continues in the background.) [Liz] Okay, focus up, everyone. [Peter] Tracker. (Peter holds the phone away from his mouth and mutters.) [Peter] (in a normal voice) Uh, yeah. No, it’s just a school trip. It’s, uh, it’s nothing. (Peter sits in the back of the bus, next row to Ned.) [Peter] Look, Happy, I gotta say, you tracking me without my permission is a complete violation of my privacy. (Ned points at the hologram model.) [Peter] (whispers) That’s different. (Happy looks suspicious.) [Happy] What’s different? [Peter] Nothing. Look, it’s just the Academic Decathlon. It’s no big deal. [Happy] Hey, hey. I’ll decide if it’s no big deal. (Peter looks annoyed. He mouths, “what?”) [Happy] Sounds like it’s no big deal, but remember, I’m watching you. (The bus approaches Washington D.C. Above the hotel entrance, we see a banner announcing the “United States Academic Decathlon.”) (The Decathlon team arrives in the check-in area. We see the interior of the hotel which is filled with preparations for the Decathlon. The students and teacher look on in awe as they walk in. Liz is at their front, leading everyone.) [Liz] Everyone stick together. [Mr. Harrington] Yeah. [Charles] You kidding me? This place is huge. [Flash] I’ve seen bigger. [Abe] There’s a bird in here. [Peter] (to Ned) Hey, you brought your laptop, right? [Ned] Why? (The door to Peter and Ned's hotel room closes. The do not disturb sign is hanging on its handle. Peter and Ned unpack, shaking various belongings like wires, the purple weapon core, toothpaste, and braces out of their backpacks. Peter connects a wire to the suit. Ned is using his laptop, complicated lines of codes flashing through the screen. Peter holds a flashlight with his mouth, working on his suit.) [Ned] Peter, why are we removing the tracker from your suit? [Peter] Uh, because I gotta follow these guys to their boss before they move again and I don’t really want Mr. Stark to know about it. [Ned] So you’re lying to Iron Man now? [Peter] No, I’m not lying. He just doesn’t really get what I can do yet. (Ned warily eyes his friend. Peter removes the tracking device from the suit.) [Peter] Ah... Gotcha. (He takes the flashlight out of his mouth.) [Peter] All right, Happy. Enjoy tracking this lamp. (Peter sticks the device on a lamp, then gets back to the suit. Ned is still working on the laptop.) [Ned] There’s a ton of other subsystems in here... [Peter] Hmm? [Ned] (smirks) ...but they’re all disabled by the Training Wheels Protocol. [Peter] What? (Peter hops up next to Ned and looks at the screen. The words “Training Wheels Protocol” are written in red. The codes declare that the protocol is currently active and that “Stark Industry Key Identifier” should be entered to disable it.) [Peter] “Training Wheels Protocol?” (Ned chuckles.) [Peter] Turn it off. [Ned] I don’t think that’s a good idea. I mean, they’re probably blocked for a reason. [Peter] Come on, man. I don’t need training wheels. (Peter steps onto his bed and jumps up and down.) [Peter] I’m sick of him treating me like a kid all the time. It’s not cool. [Ned] But you are a kid. [Peter] Yeah, a kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands. [Ned] Peter, I just don’t think this is a great idea. I mean, what if this is illegal? (Peter jumps down to kneel beside Ned.) [Peter] Look, please. This is my chance to prove myself. I can handle it. Ned, come on. [Ned] I really don’t think this is a good idea. [Peter] (whispers) The guy in the chair. [Ned] Don’t do that. [Peter] Come on. (Ned sighs and types reluctantly. A blue flash of light briefly pulses through the suit. Peter and Ned look at it.) (Peter, wearing the suit without the mask, zips up his sweat shirt to hide it and puts on his hood. He peeks out the door and looks around. The corridors are quiet and empty.) [Peter] Yeah, the glowy thing, it’s evidence. Keep it safe. (Ned picks up the glowing core.) [Peter] All right? [Ned] Okay, okay. (Peter activates the tracker.) [Peter] They’re moving. (Peter hurriedly walks out of the room.) [Ned] Be careful. (As Peter tries to walk down the hall unnoticed, Liz approaches in a bathing suit.) [Peter] Hey, Liz. [Liz] (whispers) Perfect timing. We’re gonna go swimming. Come on, come on, come on. (She waves the other students forward.) [Peter] (whispers) What? (The teenagers sneak by, laughing quietly.) [Sally] Hey, Peter. [Cindy] Hi. (Flash slaps Peter’s butt.) [Peter] Hey! (Peter squeals in a high tone, offended.) [Peter] I was, uh... I was gonna go study, um, in the business center. [Liz] Peter, you don’t need to study. You’re, like, the smartest guy I’ve ever met. (Peter looks at Liz, bewitched.) [Liz] And besides... Um, a rebellious group activity the day before competition is good for morale. [Peter] Hmm? [Liz] Um, well, I read that in a TED Talk, so, I-I heard it in a TED Talk. And I read a coaching book. (Liz smiles and nods.) [Peter] Wow, you really... This is really important to you. [Liz] Yeah. It’s our future. I’m not gonna screw it up. Besides, we raided the minibar and these candy bars were, like, eleven dollars. So get your trunks on and come on. (Liz throws a candy bar at Peter in a smooth arc.) [Charles] Come on. [Sally] Come on. [Liz] I’m coming, I’m coming. (Liz catches up with the others.) (At an indoor swimming pool, the Decathlon teammates swim. Liz sits on a wall between the pool and a spa.) (Wearing his suit without the mask, Peter watches Liz through a window on the roof. Liz playfully chats with her teammates. Peter sighs. Stepping back from the window, he tightens the straps on his backpack. Peter puts on the mask. A brief glow expands from the spider emblem on his chest.) [Suit Lady] Good evening, Peter. [Peter] Hello? Hello? [Suit Lady] Congratulations on completing the rigorous Training Wheels Protocol and gaining access to your suit’s full capabilities. (We see Peter’s view from inside the spider suit, quickly changing to different view modes.) [Peter] Ah, thank you. [Suit Lady] So where would you like to take me tonight? [Peter] (stuttering) S, I, I, put a tracker on someone. He’s a bad guy. [Suit Lady] Tracker located. (We see the spider suit tracking down the path that leads to the guy Peter is after.) [Suit Lady] Plotting course to intercept target. [Peter] Okay, well, as long as I make it back in time for Decathlon, it’s fine. (Peter swings from a web and lands on a truck. As the truck runs past, we see a banner that says “United States Academic Decathlon.”) (Peter rides on a different truck, raging down the road. We see Peter in his spider suit crouching on top of the truck, with the dark night sky in the background.) [Suit Lady] One hundred meters from destination and closing. (The truck roars past a patch of grass.) [Suit Lady] Jump now. (Peter leaps off the truck and rolls down a grassy bank. He runs across the bank through the tall grass, approaching an abandoned gas station.) [Suit Lady] Detecting three individuals. (We see Peter observing the gas station from behind his back. The station is dark, with a couple of trucks in its driveway. He stops and crouches to observe the gas station.) [Peter] (whispers) Why is their secret lair in a gas station? That’s so lame. (Peter jumps, and climbs on top of the empty gas price sign.) [Peter] Hey, suit lady, what are they doing? [Suit Lady] Do you want to hear what they’re saying? [Peter] I can hear what they’re saying? Uh, yeah. [Suit Lady] Activating Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode. (The spider suit display closes in on the van and shows Peter the heat signals emitted from the men inside. There are three people in the van who are quietly speaking.) [Mason] I got the gauntlet from the Lagos cleanup. The rest is all my design. [Peter] Whoa, that’s so cool. [Randy] Can’t believe they’re still cleaning up that Triskelion mess. [Schultz] I love it. They keep making messes, we keep getting rich. [Mason] Target inbound. [Peter] Whoa, they’re in the middle of a heist. I could catch them all red-handed. This is awesome. Okay, I’m gonna get a little closer so I can see what’s happening. [Suit Lady] Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat Mode? [Peter] Uh, Enhanced Combat Mode? Yeah. [Suit Lady] Activating Instant Kill. (The eyes of Peter’s spider suit turn into evil-looking tiny red dots.) [Peter] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don’t want to kill anybody! [Suit Lady] Deactivating Instant Kill. (The eyes switch back to their normal width and color. Peter jumps off the sign and falls on his face on the hard asphalt ground. Peter grunts.) [Schultz] Did you hear that? [Peter] What the hell just happened? What was that? [Suit Lady] You jumped off the sign and landed on your face. (He fires web pellets from his shooter which land on the gas station sign.) [Peter] Suit lady, what’s wrong with my web-shooters? (Peter runs to hide behind a sign.) [Suit Lady] Rapid-fire is the default for Enhanced Combat Mode. [Peter] Why would I need rapid-fire? [Suit Lady] Would you like to see more options? (We see Peter’s hands from his spider suit point of view. All kinds of webs are shown from which he can choose.) [Suit Lady] You have 576 possible web-shooter combinations. [Peter] Whoa, Mr. Stark really overdid it. (Inside the car:) [Schultz] You two wait right here. [Mason] Wait. You’re gonna want to turn on the dampers, though, or that thing will shatter your arm. [Schultz] All right. Where’s the dampers? (Peter is still looking down at all the options for his webs displayed over his hands.) [Peter] That one. [Suit Lady] Great choice. (One of the options turn red.) [Suit Lady] Would you like me to set this as your new default? (Peter shoots an electrified web at a neon sign, making it blink on and off.) [Peter] No, no, no. (Through the window, we see Peter struggling with his electrified webs. He keeps shooting, and the neon sign keeps flashing. The men in the car are oblivious.) [Mason] Push that in. [Schultz] Right here? [Mason] No, no, the other- [Schultz] This one right here? [Mason] Yeah, push. (Peter runs behind the gas station, away from the truck, and leaps on some trucks to reach the roof of the building.) [Peter] What was that? [Suit Lady] Taser webs. [Peter] Taser webs? I don’t want taser webs. [Suit Lady] You seem to be very unfamiliar with your web-shooter settings. Would you like to run a refresher course? (Peter sits on the roof to get a better look at the men.) [Peter] No, just... You choose. [Suit Lady] Sure thing. (Inside the DODC convoy truck:) [DODC Central] Six-Alpha-Niner. Are you running on time? [DODC Driver] Copy, Central. Six-Alpha-Niner on schedule. (Schultz, Vulture’s bald henchman, peers through binoculars. Three trucks are approaching the gas station.) [Schultz] I have visual. [Mason] Green light, green light. (Peter spots Vulture flying overhead in his wing suit.) [Peter] Oh, that’s him. (Vulture soars over a convoy of transport trucks. The suit’s eyes glow green in the dark.) [Vulture] Okay, I got eyes on the convoy. Pulling in behind the caboose. [Mason] Deploy anchors. (Vulture fires cables onto the roof of the last truck. He drops a cube onto the trailer, which separates into four pieces. Arranged in a rectangle, they create a glowing portal through the roof.) [Vulture] Dropping down. (Vulture detaches from his suit and falls through the portal, but the truck driver seems unaware of what’s happening.) (Inside the van, Mason speaks into his walkie-talkie, surrounded by wires and screens.) [Mason] No outgoing distress signals. You’re all clear. (We see Vulture’s green-filtered view of the inside of the trailer. Cage-like boxes contain exotic items.) [Vulture] Hey. Looks like they got some good stuff here. (He rips off the door from a cage full of tech. Peter climbs on top of the trailer and touches the portal. His fingers go through.) [Peter] Whoa, cool. It’s some kind of matter phase shifter. (Peter crawls down the ceiling as Vulture rises into view. Vulture kneels and zips a duffel bag.) [Vulture] Alright, coming up. (Vulture jumps through the portal and onto the roof of the trailer. Peter shoots a web at Vulture’s bag, pulling it away.) [Peter] Hey, Big Bird! This doesn’t belong to you! (Vulture’s green eyes glare intimidatingly in Peter’s direction.) [Peter] Oh, god. (Vulture gets into his wing suit and soars toward Peter. Peter jumps over him and fires long, weak webs past Vulture.) [Peter] Suit lady, what was that? [Suit Lady] You told me to choose. (Vulture attacks Peter and Peter tries to balance himself on the edge of the trailer.) [Peter] What? No, just set everything back to normal. (Peter grabs Vulture’s duffel bag, and starts to tug.) [Suit Lady] Activating all systems. (Peter rips the bag out of Vulture’s talons. He falls through the portal back into the truck. The portal cube is thrown off position by Peter’s movement. He immediately jumps up to get out but slams his head on the now solid roof. Peter loses consciousness. Cut to black.) (Time seems to have passed, and Peter lies motionless on the floor of the trailer. The truck shakes to a stop, waking Peter up.) [Peter] Oh, my head. [Suit Lady] You appear to have a mild concussion. (With a headache, Peter stands up with a hand to his head.) [Peter] Hey, so where am I right now? (Peter looks around, but cannot figure out where he is.) [Suit Lady] I’m not sure. The container walls are hindering my sensors. [Peter] Wait a minute. They must have hijacked the truck and taken me to their evil lair. Okay, suit lady. We’re gonna have to fight our way out of this one. (Peter prepares himself to burst through the truck’s metal doors.) [Peter] Three, two, one! (Peter smashes through the trailer doors, and finds himself in a huge warehouse full of containers. He looks around, on guard.) [Peter] What is this place? Suit lady, where am I? [Suit Lady] You’re in the most secure facility on the Eastern Seaboard. The Damage Control Deep Storage Vault. [Peter] No. Seriously? (Shocked, Peter puts both hands to his head. On the wall before him, “DODC-V05” is written in big black letters.) (Time has passed. Peter is clinging to the horizontal crack of the massive doors as he tries to wedge them open.) [Suit Lady] The door will most likely remain closed until morning. (Peter kicks at the bottom of the doors.) [Peter] (disappointed) Morning? (Later. Peter is lying on a hammock made out of his webs.) [Peter] Hey, suit lady, I kind of feel bad calling you “suit lady,” you know? I think I should probably give you a name... like Liz. No, no, no. God, that’s... that’s weird. (With one hand, Peter swings on a rope that is also made out of his webs, and lets go, dropping to the floor and lying down.) [Peter] What about Karen? [Suit Lady] You can call me Karen if you would like. (Peter reads a book hanging upside down. His web is held between his feet and suspending him from the ceiling.) [Peter] Hey, Karen, what else can this suit do? (Wings expand from under his arms. Peter gasps in surprise.) [Peter] What? (Standing in front of an empty wall, Peter is now wearing his yellow Midtown high school blazer over his suit. The suit is flashing a laser spider man emblem on the wall. Peter is examining the options for his web.) [Peter] Maybe we should run that refresher course. [Karen] Ricochet web. [Peter] Ricochet web. (Peter shoots a ricochet web on the wall and it immediately bounces back. He ducks to dodge the ball-shaped bundle of web.) [Peter] Whoa! Cool. (Later. The wall is covered with patches of spiderwebs now.) [Karen] Splitter web. (Peter fires two strands of web.) (More time has passed. The wall is even messier.) [Karen] Web grenade. (Peter jumps, and throws a small, metal-like ball of web.) [Peter] Web grenade! (The web grenade explodes, and the web covers the wall even more.) (Later. Peter jump ropes with a strand of web.) (Later. Peter is lying face up on one of the trailers.) [Peter] Should I tell Liz that I’m Spider-Man? [Karen] Who is Liz? [Peter] Who is Liz? She’s.. heh. She’s the best. She’s awesome. She, uh, she’s just a girl who goes to my school. And, uh... Yeah, I just... I really want to tell her, but it’s kind of weird, you know? “Hey, I’m... I’m Spider-Man.” [Karen] What’s weird about that? [Peter] What if she’s expecting someone like Tony Stark? I mean, imagine how disappointed she’d be when she sees me. [Karen] Well, if I were her, I wouldn’t be disappointed at all. [Peter] Thanks, Karen. It’s really nice to have somebody to talk to. Hey, how long we been here anyways? [Karen] Thirty seven minutes. [Peter] What? Thirty seven minutes? (Peter sits up, unable to control the frustration.) [Peter] That’s insane. I cannot take this anymore. I gotta... I gotta get out of here. (Peter flips off a container and walks into it. He sighs and takes off his blazers and his hoodie.) [Peter] There’s got to be something in here I can use. (He opens Vulture’s duffel bag.) [Peter] Okay, let’s see. (Peter inspects a wheel-shaped metal piece then throws it away.) [Peter] Nope. (He pulls out a Ultron head.) [Peter] That’s awesome. (The Ultron head makes a clanging sound as it is discarded on the floor. Peter holds a purple glowing object.) [Peter] Ah, hey, it’s like the glowy thing. [Karen] That glowy thing is an explosive Chitauri energy core. [Peter] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You mean, we’ve been carrying around a bomb? [Karen] It would require radiation to transform it into an explosive state. (Peter finds his phone and tries to call Ned but can’t get any reception.) [Peter] No, no, no, no, no. (Peter uses webs to swing to the warehouse doors. Clinging onto the doors, he starts banging and shouting, hoping someone would hear him.) [Peter] Hey! Please! Please, somebody, let me out! Hey! Karen, you have to help me override that time lock. (Peter hangs upside down from the ceiling next to the time lock close to the doors. He has opened the lock panel and is now putting in numbers. In his hands are a notepad and a pen.) [Peter] Okay Karen. Lower the voltage and run it. [Karen] Trial unsuccessful. [Peter] Okay, we’re just gonna have to try every sequence. (Peter crosses out the wrong sequence on his notepad.) (The sun is rising over the Washington D.C.) (At the hotel, Ned waits in his room. Someone knocks on the door.) [Student] Ned, Peter, we’re gonna be late. Come on, let’s go. [Ned] Okay, hold on, hold on. (Ned grabs the energy core.) (Peter is still trying to override the lock. He yawns, then presses some buttons.) [Karen] Initiating trial 247. (The massive warehouse doors groan as they open.) [Peter] It worked! It works! (Peter swings out on his webs through the opening doors. Peter crawls on the ceiling outside, then drops on the trailer of a departing truck. He lies down as the truck passes an armed guard.) (The students are entering the Decathlon venue.) [Moderator] Please be sure all cell phones are turned off. (Ned hand his phone in to the security.) [Security] Thank you. (Peter is standing on the back of a trailer truck. A ringing tone is heard in the background.) [Peter] Karen, you have to get me to Decathlon as fast as possible. [Karen] Sure thing. Just tell me where it is. [Peter] Right across the street from the Washington Monument. (We see Peter holding his phone to his ear.) [Ned] Hey, it’s Ned. Leave a message. [Peter] Ned, call me back! The glowy thing is a bomb! (At the Decathlon, the students are scribbling. We pan down to see the purple energy core glowing in Ned’s pocket.) [Karen] There’s a vehicle approaching on your right. (Peter grunts, and climbs on top of the cargo.) [Moderator] We have now entered sudden death. (The students prepare themselves, trying to be calm and placing their hands on their buzzers. Flash takes a deep breath, clearly nervous.) (The scene cuts over to Peter as he leaps on a SUV.) [Moderator] The next correct answer wins the championship. (Michelle hits the answer bell with a bored, impassive look.) [Moderator] Midtown Tech? [Michelle] Zero. [Moderator] That is correct. Midtown takes the championship! (Ned hugs Michelle and she smiles. More Midtown students pile in for a group hug.) (The Midtown High students are walking toward the Washington Monument.) [Student] We won! [Liz] You guys, I am so proud of you. [Flash] Told you we didn’t need Peter. [Ned] Flash, you didn’t answer a single question. (Michelle is standing alone with a book.) [Mr. Harrington] Taking it all in, Michelle? [Michelle] Oh, yeah, I just... um, I don’t really want to celebrate something that was built by slaves. [Mr. Harrington] Oh, I’m sure the Washington Monument wasn’t built by- (Mr. Harrington looks up at the monument. A park ranger wobbles his hand as a confirmation to Michelle’s words. Mr. Harrington purses his lips and walks away.) [Mr. Harrington] Okay. Enjoy your book. [Michelle] Thanks. (Peter swings on top of a bus. Peter and Ned finally reach each other on the phone.) [Peter] Oh, Ned, you’re alive! (Ned is at the Washington Monument, about to get a security check.) [Ned] (whispers) Peter, are you okay? [Peter] Ned, Ned, where’s the glowy thing, the glowy thing? [Ned] Don’t worry, it’s safe. It’s in my backpack. (Ned puts his backpack down on the conveyor belt for an X-ray security scan.) [Peter] No, Ned, listen! No, no, Ned, the glowy thing is dangerous. [Ned] You missed the Decathlon. I covered for you. [Peter] Ned, listen to me! [Ned] We’re at the Washington Monument now. You gotta- (Liz takes the phone from Ned.) [Liz] Peter, is that you? [Peter] Oh, hey, Liz. [Karen] Is that Liz? (Peter jumps from the bus, tumbles on his back, and starts running.) [Peter] Please put Ned back on the phone. [Karen] You should tell her how you feel. (Peter tries to put a word in edgewise but Liz ignores him and talks on.) [Liz] You freak! You are so lucky we won. You know, I want to be mad, but I’m more worried. Like, what is going on with you? (Now at the Lincoln Memorial, Peter is running towards the Washington Monument.) [Peter] Liz, I have to talk to Ned. It’s really important! [Security] Miss, all items on the belt, please. [Peter] Liz, there’s something in Ned’s backpack! It’s really dangerous. Don’t let it go through an X-ray. (Not hanging up, Liz puts Ned’s phone through the X-ray machine along with Ned’s backpack. Ned walks through the scanner, oblivious, and moves to collect his backpack. The X-ray scanner screen buzzes.) [Peter] Liz? Liz! Damn it. (Peter keeps running, and the Washington Monument comes into view as he gets closer.) (Ned puts on his bag. The students enter an elevator.) [Flash] Hey, Mr. Harrington, can I be the one to tell Peter he’s expelled? (Outside the Washington Monument, Peter webs his backpack to a tree.) (The elevator is steadily climbing upwards. The core in Ned’s backpack begins to glow.) [Tour Guide] The Washington Monument is 555 feet, 5 and 1/8 inches tall. Notice how the marble and granite are cut around the stone. (The energy core erupts with light, breaking glass, and the tip of the monument cracks.) (Peter arrives at the base of the monument.) [Tourist] Did you hear that? [Peter] No, no, no, no, no, no. Karen, what’s going on up there? [Karen] The Chitauri core has detonated and caused severe structural damage to the elevator. (The spider suit provides Peter a view inside the monument, and it is shown that several people are gathered inside the elevator.) [Peter] Oh, no. [Michelle] My friends are up there! [Peter] What? Uh... Don’t worry, ma’am. Everything’s gonna be okay. Excuse me, excuse me. Oh, my god, that’s tall. (Peter runs through the crowd, leaps onto the side of the monument, and crawls up.) (On the elevator, Ned drops his backpack. The small space is filled with smoke.) [Charles] Oh, my god. Look at the ceiling. (A glowing, red crack cuts across the elevator ceiling.) [Liz] Just stay calm, everyone. [Abe] Oh, we are all going to die here. (Michelle peers up at Peter. He’s climbing on the monument, and has gotten so high that he’s merely a dot seen from below.) [Karen] Estimating 10 minutes before catastrophic failure. (Inside the elevator:) [Charles] We're freakin' screwed. [Tour Guide] Okay guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working. (Peter is now panting.) [Karen] The safety systems are completely failing. (The tour guide drones on in order to calm the students.) [Tour Guide] We're very safe in here. (Outside the Monument:) [Karen] The occupants are in imminent mortal danger. [Peter] I'm going as fast as I can! (Peter pulls himself up with double strands of web.) (Park rangers open the doors to the elevator shaft. The tour guide opens a hatch in the ceiling of the car, and looks out.) (Peter continues climbing.) (Cindy is pulled out of the elevator.) [Park Ranger] Let's go. Give me your hand. [Karen] You now have 125 seconds until catastrophic failure. (Peter’s hands slip a little.) [Peter] What? Why? [Karen] Unexpected motion has caused the deterioration to escalate. (The spider suit shows the elevator. The park rangers rescuing the students are making the elevator move. [PETER Peter] How do I get in there? [KAREN Karen] Activating reconnaissance drone. The emblem on Peter’s suit detaches, and the spider-shaped robot flies up, over the monument.) [Peter] Whoa, has that been there the whole time? That’s awesome. [Karen] Locating optimal entry point. (The small drone finds a window.) [Karen] Proceed to southwest window. [Peter] Karen, I'm on my way. (Peter moves around the monument, and continues climbing. Down below, people have started to gather to see what’s happening.) (Inside, Abe peers down the long elevator shaft.) (Peter reaches the top of the monument. Pausing, he turns onto his back and clings to the cracked stone.) [Peter] Ah! (Cautiously, Peter peers over the edge to the ground far below.) [Peter] Okay. Oh, my god. Okay. (He then takes panicky breaths and sticks to the wall.) [Karen] What's wrong? You've reached the southwest window. Why are you hesitating? [Peter] It’s fine. It’s just, I've just never been this high before. (Peter tries to shoo away the seagulls perched on the windowsill. Karen’s voice is calm and kind as she informs Peter.) [Karen] You have also not reinstalled your parachute, so a fall from this height would most likely be lethal. (Peter moves on top of the windowsill and the seagulls fly away.) [Peter] Perfect. Oh, my god. (Peter kicks the window.) [Peter] Why is it not breaking? [Karen] It's a four-inch ballistic glass. You'll have to create more momentum. (Peter shoots a web against the monument wall and rappels down the strand until his feet lie flat against the glass. Jumping, he swings against the window. The glass cracks slightly.) (Police helicopters approach, guns ready. Speakers boom as a police officer speaks out.) [Police] This is D.C. Metro police. Identify yourself. [Peter] My friends are in there! My friends are in there! Stop! [Police] Return to the ground immediately. (Inside the elevator:) [Mr. Harrington] Okay, who's next? (Liz grabs Mr. Harrington’s shoulder, preparing to climb up.) [Flash] Me, it's my turn! (Flash shoves Liz to get out first, and doesn’t give up the trophy.) [Ned] Flash, seriously? What are you doing? [Flash] Come on. [Cindy] Don't worry about the trophy. (Flash climbs through the hatch in the ceiling of the elevator, and the car shakes.) [Students] Ah! (Through the yet unbroken window, Peter is watching the students panic.) (Peter stands against the window as police helicopters hover around him. An officer is aiming his gun in Peter’s direction.) [Police] Stand down! Return to the ground immediately! (Peter is panting heavily, but he climbs to the top of the monument.) [Police] Return to the ground or we will open fire! (The police officer follows Peter with the aim of his gun, but Peter disappears from his view to the other side of the monument.) [Police] (to the pilot) Go up, go up! [Peter] I got this. [Flash] Take my trophy! (The car shakes again under Flash’s feet.) [Police] This is your last chance! [Peter] Oh, I'm gonna die. (Peter jumps toward the closest helicopter and extends his web-wings, gliding over the menacing helicopter blades. He shoots a web at the skid, and swings toward the window.) [Peter] Break! (The window shatters into pieces as Peter swings in, and the roof of the elevator is ripped off. The elevator starts to fall. Peter slides in toward the elevator shaft.) [Liz/Ned] Ahh! (Peter shoots a strand of web onto the falling elevator, then braces his feet against the doors to the shaft. Liz, Ned and Mr. Harrington are jostled in the elevator as it is stopped.) [Peter] I did it! Whoa! (The doors break loose, and Peter falls after the plummeting elevator. It catches on a beam and Peter falls in through the ceiling on his back. The impact breaks off a wheel and the car starts to drop again. Peter shoots a web through the hole in the ceiling, stopping the elevator’s descent. Hanging upside down with his feet braced against the ceiling of the elevator, Peter grabs on to the strand of web, and tries to make his voice sound different as he helps his friends calm down.) [Peter] Ahem. Hey, how you doing? Don't worry about it. I got you. [Ned] Yes! Yes! (Ned swings his fist in joy and relief, making the whole elevator wobble.) [Peter] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, big guy, quit moving around. [Ned] Sorry, sir. So sorry. (Outside, a fire truck and an ambulance arrive.) [Park Ranger] Let's go, let's go! (With his web attached to the ceiling high above, Peter slowly pulls the elevator up the shaft. They reach an upper floor.) [Park Ranger] Okay, okay. [Cindy] Mr. Harrington, go. Ned, come on. [Peter] Alright. This is your stop. [Ned] Come on, Liz. (The metal elevator ceiling starts to bend under Peter’s feet.) [Peter] Go, go, go. Everybody out! Move it, people. Move it, move it! [Liz] Are you sure it’s safe? (Liz reaches out, but before she can hold Mr. Harrington’s outstretched hand, the ceiling snaps.) [Mr. Harrington] Liz! (Peter webs Liz as the elevator falls. She dangles by her wrist.) [Peter] You’re okay. You’re okay. (Peter pulls her up by the web, then takes her hand.) [Peter] Okay. (His web starts to snap as he helps Liz to safety.) [Students] Oh, my god. Good, good. [Mr. Harrington] Come on up. Come on, you guys, stay back. Come on in. Come on in. [Peter] So, uh, is everyone okay? (Liz nods.) [Karen] This is your chance, Peter. Kiss her. (Liz and Peter hold a look. The web snaps, and Peter drops. The students, the teacher, and the park rangers look down the elevator shaft going after Peter as he falls.) [Mr. Harrington] Thank you. (Flash peers down the shaft.) [Flash] Are you really friends with Peter Parker? (In Vulture’s warehouse, Schultz tries out the shocker gauntlet. He can move a whole van with the force of his punch. Mason sits at his work table, clutching his work when the table wobbles.) [Mason] I can finish the next order, but without any new materials from that truck... [Toomes] Ugh, damn it. We still have enough to do the Gargan deal though, right? [Mason] Yeah, but then that's it. (Perching on the table, Vulture strokes his chin.) [Mason] Oh, maybe it is time that I built the high-altitude seal. [Toomes] Would you shut up about that? [Mason] It's only one job. [Toomes] No. (Schultz stands nearby.) [Toomes] Eight years, not a word from the Feds, nothing from those Halloween-costume-wearing bozos up there in Stark tower. And then all of a sudden, this little bastard in red tights shows up and he thinks he can tear down everything I've built. Really? (Vulture shrugs.) [Toomes] I’m gonna kill him. I'm gonna find him... [Schultz] I found him. (On TV, the news shows spider man at the Washington Monument. The headline says “Man Spider Climbs Washington Monument.”) [News Anchor] Spider-Man swooped in, heroically saving an Academic Decathlon team from Queens. The identity of the masked hero is still unknown. (Vulture’s expression is unreadable as he studies the screen.) (At night, the students’ families meet them by the school bus. Liz’s mother hugs Liz.) [Liz] Mom. [Doris] It’s okay. Alright. [May] Peter? (Aunt May runs to Peter and embraces him.) [Families] Come here, come here. Oh, my god. (At school, the student news plays on a TV in the hall.) [Jason] This past weekend, Midtown's Academic Decathlon team defeated the country's best to win the national championship. Later that day, they also defeated death. [Abe] (yells) Explosion. Sally scream. Flash scream. Everybody screamin’. [Charles] (excited) There were purple lasers and smoke everywhere, It was... (A cat emoji appears over Charles’ mouth and a beep is inserted as he swears.) [Charles] ...just like a bon Jovi concert. [Mr. Harrington] As you know, we made it out alive, and that's the important thing. I couldn't bear to lose a student on a school trip. Not again. (The camera amateurishly zooms in on Mr. Harrington’s face.) [Jason] Thankfully, no one was seriously injured, thanks to the Spider-Man. [Jason/Betty] (awkwardly) Thank you, Spider-Man. [Jason] Up next: The Spider-Man mania is sweeping the school. How can you show your spider spirit? (Peter grins as he walks past the TV showing the student news. A few students are standing around the TV to watch the news. As Peter cheerfully enters another hall, Ned joins him.) [Ned] Dude, dude, dude, dude. What is it like being famous when nobody knows it's you? [Peter] Crazy, dude. [Ned] It’s crazy. Should we tell everyone? [Peter] No. [Ned] Should I tell everyone? [Peter] No, dude, no, that’s not a good idea. [Ned] Okay, come on, we'll be late to class. [Peter] I’m not going to class. [Ned] You’re already in so much trouble for ditching the Decathlon. [Peter] Dude, listen, I figured it out, right? The wing suit guy is stealing from Damage Control. And what he takes from Damage Control, that’s how he builds the weapons. So all I gotta do is catch him. [Ned] But we have a Spanish quiz. [Peter] Ned, I'm probably never gonna come back here. Mr. Stark is moving the Avengers upstate, so when I bring this guy in- [Ned] Dude, you want to be a high school dropout? [Peter] I am so far beyond high school right now. [Principal Morita] Parker, my office. (At detention. A video plays, featuring Captain America. He pulls up a chair and sits.) [Steve] So... You got detention. You screwed up. (Peter sighs and bites his lip in frustration.) [Steve] You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you gonna make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years, the only way to really be cool is to follow the rules. (We see the classroom is sparsely filled with students. Michelle is sitting in a seat behind Peter. Peter sighs again and stands up forcefully.) [Steve] We all know what's right. We all know what's wrong. Next time those turkeys try to convince you of something you know is wrong... (Peter gets up and marches out past Michelle. Coach Wilson is slouching at a desk.) [Coach Wilson] (indifferently) Hey, where you going? Get back here. [Steve] Just think to yourself, what would Captain America do? [Coach Wilson] (to Michelle) Why are you here? You don't even have detention. [Michelle] Oh, I know. I just like coming here to sketch people in crisis. (Michelle holds up a sketch depicting Coach Wilson.) [Michelle] Heh. It's you. [Steve] So your body's changing. Believe me, I know how that feels. (In the empty hallway, Peter lifts a row of lockers off the ground, revealing a hidden space beneath. He grabs a bottle of web fluid and lowers the lockers. Peter throws the bottle up in the air, and catches it again.) (Arriving home, Peter peeks in the front door.) [Peter] May? (He checks the living room, which looks empty.) (We are now inside Peter's bedroom. Peter is wearing normal clothes over his suit and lounging in his chair.) [Peter] Hey, Karen. What's up? [Karen] Hey, Peter. How was your Spanish quiz? [Peter] Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who the guys under the bridge were that night, but I mean, I can only kind of remember part of a license plate. [Karen] I can run facial recognition on the footage of that encounter. (A string of data appears in front of Peter’s eyes.) [Peter] Footage? [Karen] Yes, Peter. I record everything you see. [Peter] Everything? [Karen] Everything. [Peter] Like all the time? [Karen] It's called the Baby Monitor Protocol. (Peter throws away his pen in irritation.) [Peter] Yeah, of course it is. Um, yeah, just roll it back to last Friday. [Karen] With pleasure. (Karen shows a footage of Peter fooling around in front of a mirror in his spider suit mask.) [Peter] (on video)Hey, everyone. Yeah, kick-ass party. Hey, what's up, Liz? Peter's told me a lot about you. (The Peter in the footage winks.) [Peter] No, no, no. No, no, no. This is just me messing around. Go later in the day, later in the day. (Karen fast-forwards the video.) [Peter] (on video) It is I, Thor, son of Odin! (Peter is doing impressions of Thor, holding a wooden hammer in his hand.) [Peter] No, no, no, no, no, no. That's definitely... no. That's definitely not what we wanted to watch. Just... [Karen] Your impressions are very funny. [Peter] Fast-forward to the arms deal. (Peter stands up. The footage shows three men from the arms deal that Peter was searching for.) [Peter] Okay. The two on the right, who are they? [Karen] Searching law enforcement databases. No records found for two of the individuals. [Peter] Nothing? [Karen] One individual identified. Aaron Davis, age 33. He has a criminal record and an address here in Queens. (The spider suit displays the criminal record of Aaron Davis.) [Peter] Let's pay him a visit. [Karen] Would you like me to activate the Enhanced Interrogation Protocol? [Peter] Uh, yeah. (In a parking building, the scruffy man from the weapons deal, Aaron Davis, carries groceries to his car. The spider drone follows him. As Aaron opens the trunk, Peter arrives in his spider man suit. He sticks Aaron’s hand to the trunk with a web. Annoyed, Aaron stares at the spider drone.) [Peter] Remember me? (Peter speaks in a deep metallic voice. He approaches Aaron’s car, and Aaron seems taken aback.) [Aaron] Uh, hey... [Peter] I need information. You're gonna give it to me now. [Aaron] All right, chill. [Peter] Come on! [Aaron] What happened to your voice? [Peter] What do you mean, what happened to my voice? [Aaron] I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sound like. [Peter] I'm not a girl! I'm a boy. I mean, I'm a... I'm a man. [Aaron] I don't care what you are, a boy, a girl... [Peter] I'm not a girl! I'm a man. Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names or else. (Aaron slams the trunk shut, and Peter startles. He steps back and looks around in surprise. The spider drone chirps and flies around Peter’s head.) [Aaron] You ain't ever done this before, huh? [Peter] Deactivate interrogation mode. (The spider drone goes back in the emblem on the suit’s chest. Aaron laughs. Peter’s voice changes back to its high-pitched tone.) [Peter] Look, man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half... (Aaron is looking at his fingers, sniffing, not amused. However, when Peter mentions Delmar’s, he gains interest.) [Aaron] You know Delmar's? [Peter] Yeah, best sandwich in Queens. [Aaron] Sub Haven's pretty good. [Peter] It's too much bread. [Aaron] I like bread. [Peter] Come on, man, please. (Peter starts to walk away.) [Peter] Stupid interrogation mode. Karen, don't ever do that again. [Aaron] The other night, you told that dude, "if you shoot somebody, shoot me." It's pretty ballsy. I don't want those weapons in this neighborhood. I got a nephew who live here. (Peter stops when Aaron starts speaking, and walks back to him.) [Peter] Who are these guys? What can you tell me about the guy with the wings? [Aaron] Other than he's a psychopath dressed like a demon, nothing. I don't know who he is or where he is. (Peter leans his head on Aaron’s car, and gives out a sigh.) [Aaron] I do know where he's gonna be. [Peter] Really? [Aaron] Yeah, this crazy dude I used to work with, he's supposed to be doing a deal with him. [Peter] Yes! Yes. Thank- (Peter starts to walk happily away, giggling.) [Aaron] Hey. Hey. Hey. I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location. [Peter] Right, of course. Yeah, my bad. Silly. Just... (Embarrassed, Peter comes closer and leans on the car.) [Peter] Yeah. Where is it? [Aaron] Can I give you some advice? [Peter] Hmm? [Aaron] You got to get better at this part of the job. [Peter] I don't understand. I'm intimidating. (Peter demonstrates his “intimidating” pose, crossing his arms.) [Aaron] Staten Island ferry, eleven. [Peter] Oh, that's soon. Hey, that's gonna dissolve in two hours. [Aaron] No, no, no, no. Come fix this. [Peter] Two hours. You deserve that. (Peter walks away, stabbing a finger in Aaron’s direction.) [Aaron] I got ice cream in here. [Peter] You deserve that. You're a criminal. Bye, Mr. Criminal. (At the Staten Island Ferry terminal, Peter swings onto a building roof. As the massive orange ferry pulls out of the dock, he takes a running leap and spreads his glider wings. He lands and hangs on the hull.) [Peter] (grunts) Nice. (He peeks through a window and sees passengers sitting inside.) [Peter] Okay, Karen, activate Enhanced Reconnaissance Mode. [Karen] Sure thing. [Toomes] He’s up front. Main deck. [Schultz] I hate this guy. [Peter] It’s the guy from the bridge, right? Who’s that other guy? [Toomes] Just keep me posted. [Karen] There’s no record of him in my criminal database. Incoming call from May Peter. Should I reroute to your heads-up display? [Peter] I can’t talk right now. I’ll call her back. (He watches Toomes. The spider drone climbs onto his head.) [Peter] Hey, dronie, keep an eye on that guy. We can’t let anybody get away this time. (The drone hovers by the window. Peter climbs up to the ferry roof. He crawls to the edge and peers down at four men on the front deck.) [Peter] Who’s the guy on the left? [Karen] Mac Gargan. Extensive criminal record, including homicide. Would you like me to activate Instant Kill? [Peter] No, Karen, stop it with the Instant Kill already. (Schultz approaches Gargan.) [Schultz] White pickup truck. (Gargan nods to a slim man who walks away.) [Peter] Dronie, scan the ship for a white pickup truck. (The tiny drone scans the cargo under the deck and spots a pickup truck. It hovers over the truck and scans its contents. Toomes’ coworker gets out of the car and leads the slim man to the back.) [Peter] Oh, this is too perfect. I got the weapons, buyers, and sellers all in one place. [Karen] Incoming call from Tony Stark. [Peter] No, no, no. No, no, don’t answer. [Tony] Mr. Parker. Got a sec? [Peter] Uh, I’m actually at school. [Karen] No, you’re not. [Tony] Nice work in D.C. [Peter] Okay. [Tony] My dad never really gave me a lot of support... And I’m just trying to break the cycle of shame. [Peter] Uh, I’m kind of in the middle of something right now. [Tony] Don’t cut me off when I’m complimenting you. Anyway, great things are about to- (The ferry horn blares.) [Tony] What is that? [Peter] Uh, I’m at band practice. [Tony] That’s odd. Happy told me you quit band six weeks ago. What’s up? [Peter] I gotta go. Uh, end call. [Tony] Hey. [Peter] I’ll take those! (snatches a key chain) Yoink! (He then leaps onto the deck.) [Peter] Hey, guys. The illegal-weapons-deal-ferry was at 10:30. You missed it. (He disarms two guys with the spiderweb, kicks Gargan, and slams him. Peter ducks from Schultz’s Shocker gauntlet, which gets caught in a gate.) [Randy] Spider guy’s here. (Toomes leaves his seat. Two thugs get up behind Peter.) [Peter] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast. (Peter throws them both.) [Peter] Are you guys okay? My bad. That was a little hard. (He eyes Schultz, who is still struggling to free himself.) [Peter] I gotta say the other guy was way better with that thing. (He then reloads his web-shooter.) [Peter] I’m honestly, I’m, I’m shocked. (Peter shoots a web grenade behind him, attaching a thug to the wall with it. In the cargo hold, Toomes bashes the slim man’s head against the truck. He then faces Peter, who is standing yards away on deck. Suddenly, agents come out of nowhere and aim at Peter.) [FBI Agent 1] Freeze! FBI! [FBI Agent 2] Don’t move. [FBI Agent 1] Get on the ground. [FBI Agent 1] FBI. [Peter] Wait, what do you mean, FBI? [Karen] The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Peter] I know what the FBI means, but what are they doing here? (A mechanical wing bursts out of the truck, making the agents turn to it. Toomes flies toward the deck in his vulture suit. Agents shoot at him.) [Peter] Get out of the way! Get out of the way! (Vulture fires a high tech weapon, drags a car, and throws it to the agents.) [Peter] Look out, look out, look out. Move, move, move! (Vulture hits Peter, causing him to fall into the water. He then fires energy blasts at a man’s arm.) [Toomes] Get to the top deck. We’re getting out of here. (Peter shoots his web at Schultz, but misses. He shoots the web at Vulture’s leg and pulls. Vulture hides behind his large metal wings that protects him from the gunfire, then shoots at the agents. One blast hits an indoor seating area. Peter weighs Vulture with a car attached to his web. Dodging a blast, he leaps to the upper deck and shoots some more web. Hanging from Vulture’s suit, Peter swings over the water. The flying man fires at Peter. He swings back onto the deck. Vulture cuts the strands of web with the blades of his wings. Peter shoots web at the barrel of Vulture’s high tech weapon.) [Peter] Activate Taser Web! (Electricity travels up the strand of web and the weapon is yanked away from Vulture. On the deck, it bounces around wildly. Peter traps the weapon using lots of spiderweb.) [Toomes] You’re messing with things you don’t understand. (The weapon’s laser beam breaks up into multiple rays. The energy blast cuts through the upper seating area, narrowly missing frightened passengers. In the air, Vulture dodges the blasts as they shoot into the sky. Schultz sprints toward an upper deck, leaps into the air, and lands on Vulture’s back. The rays slice through the length of the ferry, then vanish. In the seating area, passengers move cautiously. In the cargo bay, jets of water start to split up the ferry.) [Peter] Oh, my god. What do I do? Karen, uh, give me an X-ray of the boat and target all the strongest points. (Peter’s display highlights spots on the structure.) [Peter] Web grenade. Web grenade. (Shooting web, he leaps between the two sides of the ship.) [Peter] Splitter web, go. (Peter tumbles back and forth on the upper part of the ferry, connecting the ship with strands of web. He dodges flames as he travels down the length of the ferry. Peter fires several strands of web and once, and binds them together with another strand. Reaching the bow, he crouches on the edge of the roof. He eyes the two leaning halves of the ferry that are crisscrossed with spiderweb.) [Karen] Great job, Peter. You are 98 percent successful. [Peter] Ninety-eight? [Man] Yeah, Spider-Man! (The web strands begin to snap.) [Peter] No, no, no, no! (Water floods the cargo hold, pushing the cars forward. People cling to posts as the stream rushes past them. On the upper level, passengers slide down the floor of the leaning ferry. The gap widens as the web strands continue to snap. Peter leaps into the air.) [Peter] No! (He grabs a thread and shoots another. Arms outstretched, Peter hangs between the two sides, trying to hold them together.) (Suddenly, the two sides start to move toward each other.) [Peter] What the hell? (Peter lands gently in the seating area and looks around.) [Peter] What the hell... (Iron Man rises into view.) [Tony] Hi, Spider-Man. Band practice, was it? (Hovering outside, he holds up one half of the boat. Drones arrive and attach themselves to the other half. Thrusters propel the two halves of the ferry forward and join them together.) (Iron Man looks at Peter through the window, then flies off.) [Man] Yeah, Iron Man! (Peter swings into the cargo hold, where Iron Man is welding the ferry back together.) [Peter] Uh, Mr. Stark? Hey, Mr. Stark. Could I do anything? What do you want me to do? [Tony] I think you’ve done enough. (Iron Man flies away. Peter climbs to the top platform of a mast and looks around. Smoke is pouring out from the massive vessel. Rescue boats and helicopters approach from all directions.) (Schultz is walking toward Vulture in the warehouse when he speaks out:) [Toomes] So that’s it, you’re just gonna run? [Schultz] Feds were waiting for us. Now we’re on Iron Man’s radar? Yeah, I’m running. You should, too. [Toomes] You know I can’t do that. [Schultz] So now what? [Toomes] Mason, can you get that high-altitude seal thing up and running in time? [Mason] Seriously? Yes. You will not regret this. [Toomes] (to Schultz) You in? (Schultz smiles faintly and lifts his eyebrows.) (Helicopters are still flying around the ferry. Peter is perching on the edge of a building, sans mask, when Iron Man flies over to him.) [Tony] Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch: I tell you to stay away from this. Instead, you hacked a multimillion-dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back doing the one thing I told you not to do. [Peter] Is everyone okay? [Tony] No thanks to you. [Peter] No thanks to me? (Angered, Peter jumps off the edge and approaches Tony.) [Peter] Those weapons were out there, and I tried to tell you about it. But you didn’t listen. None of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to me. If you even cared, you’d actually be here. (The Iron Man suit opens, revealing Tony inside. He steps down from the suit and marches toward Peter, who backs off.) [Tony] I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year-old kid. [Peter] I’m fifteen. [Tony] No, this is where you zip it, all right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? ‘Cause that’s on you. And if you died, I feel like that’s on me. I don’t need that on my conscience. [Peter] Yes, sir. [Tony] Yes. [Peter] I, I’m sorry. [Tony] Sorry doesn’t cut it. [Peter] I understand. I just wanted to be like you. [Tony] And I wanted you to be better. Okay, it’s not working out. I’m gonna need the suit back. [Peter] For how long? [Tony] Forever. (Peter shakes his head with a shocked expression.) [Tony] Yeah. Yeah, that’s how it works. [Peter] No, no, no... Please, please, please... [Tony] Let’s have it. [Peter] You don’t understand. Please. This is all I have. I’m nothing without this suit. [Tony] If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it. Okay? God, I sound like my dad. [Peter] I don’t have any other clothes. [Tony] Okay, we’ll sort that out. (Peter walks down the hallway of his apartment wearing pink Hello Kitty pajamas and an oversized NYC tourist T-shirt. He knocks on a door, which May answers.) [Peter] (whispers) Hey. (May inhales deeply and storms inside.) [May] I’ve been calling you all day. You didn’t answer your phone. You can’t do that. Then this ferry thing happens. I’ve called five police stations. (Peter walks to May and stands behind her.) [May] Five. I called five of your friends. [Peter] I’m fine. [May] I called Ned’s mother. [Peter] May, I’m okay. Honestly. Just relax. I’m fine. (May stands and faces Peter.) [May] You. Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night. That’s not fine. Peter, you have to tell me what’s going on. Just lay it out. It’s just me and you. (A beat, then Peter’s eyes fill up with tears.) [Peter] I lost the Stark internship. [May] What? [Peter] Yeah. [May] What happened? [Peter] I just thought that I could work really hard and he could, he would, you know. But I screwed it up. (Peter sits down on the sofa next to him. May hugs him and strokes him.) [May] Oh... It’s okay, it’s okay. It’s okay. [Peter] I’m sorry I made you worry. [May] You know I’m not trying to ruin your life. [Peter] Yeah, I know. [May] Just... I used to sneak out too. [Peter] Yeah. (May scowls, then leans in to sniff Peter’s hair.) [May] And take a shower. You smell. You smell like garbage. [Peter] I know. (Through a window, we see Peter facing Principal Morita.) [Principal Morita] Peter, you’re a good kid and you’re a smart kid. So just try to keep your head straight, okay? [Peter] Okay. [Principal Morita] All right. Get out of here. (Peter takes his bag, exits the principal’s office. Ned is waiting for him in the hallway.) [Ned] Are you expelled? Do you have to go to that high school on 46th where the principal has a crossbow? [Peter] Pretty sure that’s an urban myth, and no, I’m not expelled. [Ned] You’re so lucky. (They walk down the corridor. Tilt up to find a homecoming banner hanging from the ceiling.) (Peter is resting his head on the desk at detention. He turns to find Michelle holding up a sketch of him with a sad expression.) (We are now in Spanish class. The clock is ticking. A hand holding a blue pen shoots into frame. It’s Peter.) [Peter] Me gusta hacer la tarea. (I like doing homework.) [Spanish Teacher] Muy bueno, señor Parker. (Very good, Mr. Parker.) (Peter and Ned finish building the Lego Death Star in the orchestra practice room. Ned hands Peter the Palpatine figure, which Peter places on the top. They do a secret handshake.) (School bell rings. Peter walks out into an empty hallway and sees Liz.) [Peter] Hey. [Liz] Hey. [Peter] I thought you had calculus fifth period. [Liz] Yeah, I was just doing some homecoming stuff. (Peter approaches Liz.) [Peter] Hey, look, I, uh... I just wanted to apologize about the whole Decathlon thing. I really- [Liz] It’s fine. Last week, Decathlon was the most important thing, but then I almost died. [Peter] No, I, I just mean that... it was not cool, especially... (sighs) ...because... I like you. [Liz] I know. (Peter stares at her, shocked.) [Peter] You do? [Liz] You’re terrible at keeping secrets. [Peter] (smiles) Yeah, you’d be surprised. (An awkward moment. They look at each other.) [Peter] I got to get to class, but, um, I’d say we should hang out, but I’m gonna be in detention for... [Liz] Uh-huh. [Peter] ...ever, but, um, I guess you already have a date to homecoming. [Liz] Actually, I was so busy planning it I never really got around to that part, so... (Liz shakes her head.) [Peter] Uh, do you want to go with me? [Liz] (smiles) Yeah. Sure. [Peter] Really? I mean, uh, great. Cool. [Liz] Cool. [Peter] I’m actually going that way. (Carrying the hall pass, Peter walks past Liz. We see her turning to watch him go in the background. A huge grin breaks across Peter’s face.) (In his apartment, Peter slides into the kitchen with a frenzied look.) [Peter] May, I need your help. (May stares at him with a surprised expression. Peter picks out a dress shirt and tie, polishes his shoes, shakes his head in front of a mirror. May prepares a pink ribbon corsage for him. Peter sprays a perfume in the air to test it, then grimaces at the scent. May and Peter watch a YouTube video on how to tie a Windsor knot. Peter turns to May with a surprisingly passable Windsor knot; overlooking his lopsided shirt collar, that is.) [May] Right? (Peter is now fully dressed in a suit. May teaches him how to dance, then straightens his clothes.) (May’s car comes to a stop in front of Liz’s house.) [May] It’s game day. So, what’s the plan? [Peter] Open the door for her. [May] Mm-hmm. [Peter] Tell her she looks nice, but not too much because that’s creepy. [May] Don’t be creepy. [Peter] No. And, uh, when I dance with her, I’m putting my hands on her hips. I got this. (Peter gets out of the car and leans into the car window.) [Peter] Love you. [May] Bye. (Peter walks up to the front door, pink corsage in hand, then rings the doorbell. He waits with a nervous look for the door to open. With Toomes on the other side. Peter’s smile fades and he freezes. Toomes grins at him.) [Toomes] You must be Peter. [Peter] Yeah. [Toomes] I’m Liz’s dad. Put her there. (They shake hands.) [Toomes] Hell of a grip. Come on in here. Come on. (Toomes drags Peter inside and closes the door. Peter follows Toomes towards the kitchen. Suddenly:) [Doris] Hi, Peter. You look very handsome. [Peter] Thank you. [Doris] (whispers) You got his name right? [Toomes] Freddie? [Doris] Peter. [Toomes] Peter, Peter. (Doris chuckles and shakes her head.) [Doris] I’m gonna go get Liz. [Peter] Okay. (She walks out, leaving Peter with Toomes. Toomes starts to polish knives.) [Toomes] You all right, Pete? [Peter] Yeah. [Toomes] Because you look pale. You want something to drink? Like a bourbon or a scotch, or something like that? [Peter] I’m not old enough to drink. [Toomes] That’s the right answer. (Toomes’ eyes widen as he sees his daughter dressed in a beautiful red dress.) [Toomes] Wow. (Peter turns in order to see Liz.) [Toomes] Wow, wow, wow. Do you look beautiful. [Liz] Please don’t embarrass me, Dad. [Toomes] Doesn’t she, Pete? (Liz moves to stand next to Peter.) [Peter] Yeah, you look really good. [Toomes] Once again, that’s the right answer. [Liz] Is that a corsage? (Staring at Toomes, Peter abruptly hands the corsage to Liz.) [Liz] Thanks. [Toomes] Well, hey, I’m your chauffeur, so, uh, let’s get this show on the road. [Doris] No, no, no, no, we have to take some pictures, babe. All right. Oh, right here. Perfect. [Liz] Mom. [Doris] Okay. Come on, you guys. Peter, closer. (Peter stands beside Liz.) [Doris] Smile. There you go. (Liz’s mother takes some more snaps. Peter puts on a tense grin for the photo, his eyes still glued on Toomes.) [Peter] Sir, you don’t have to drive us. [Toomes] No, no, it’s not a big deal. I’m going out of town. It’s right on my way. (Liz goes to her mother to check the photos.) [Doris] He’s always coming and going. [Toomes] Last time. [Doris] Have fun. (Doris hugs her daughter.) [Liz] Thank you. [Toomes] Promise. [Doris] (whispers) He’s cute. [Liz] Shh. [Toomes] See you in a couple of days. [Doris] Bye, baby. [Toomes] All right. (Doris and Adrian Toomes kiss each other.) [Toomes] Come on, Pedro. [Doris] Bye, Peter. Have fun. [Peter] Yeah, I will. (Toomes is driving. Liz looks at herself through her phone camera, wearing the corsage Peter gave her, while Peter stares out the window.) [Toomes] What are you gonna do, Pete? [Peter] What? [Toomes] When you graduate, what do you think you’re gonna do? [Peter] Oh, um, I don’t know. [Liz] Don’t grill him, Dad. [Toomes] Just saying, you know. All you guys who go to that school, you pretty much have your life planned out, right? [Peter] Yeah, no, I’m just a sophomore. [Liz] Peter has an internship with Tony Stark. So I think he doesn’t have to worry. [Toomes] Really? [Liz] Mm-hmm. [Toomes] Stark? [Liz] So cool. [Toomes] What do you do? [Peter] Yeah, actually, I don’t intern for him anymore. (Liz turns to Peter, frowning.) [Liz] Seriously? [Peter] Yeah, it got, um... boring. [Liz] It was boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man. [Toomes] Really? Spider-Man? Wow. What’s he like? [Peter] Yeah, he’s nice. Nice man. Solid dude. [Toomes] Hmm. (Liz shows Peter her phone.) [Liz] Look, so cute. [Peter] Aww... (Toomes keeps stealing glances at Peter.) [Toomes] I’ve seen you around, right? I mean... Somewhere. We’ve, uh, have we ever? Because even the voice... [Liz] Um, he does Academic Decathlon with me. [Toomes] Oh. [Liz] And he was at my party. [Toomes] Ah. [Peter] It was a great party, really great, yeah. Beautiful house, a lot of windows. (Peter and Liz smile at each other.) [Liz] You were there for, like, two seconds. [Peter] That was... I was there longer than two seconds. [Liz] You disappeared. [Peter] No, no. I did not disappear. [Liz] Yes, you did. You disappeared like you always do. Like you did in D.C., too. (Toomes glances at Peter suspiciously. He stops at an intersection.) [Toomes] That’s terrible, what happened down there in D.C., though. Were you scared? (Peter nods tersely.) [Toomes] I’ll bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator, though, huh? (Peter glances at Liz, then:) [Peter] Yeah, well, I actually didn’t go up. I saw it all from the ground. [Liz] Yeah. (Toomes stares at Peter through the rearview mirror.) [Peter] Very lucky that he was there that day. [Toomes] (grins) Good old Spider-Man. (The traffic light turns green. Car honks blare behind them.) [Liz] Dad, the light. (Toomes continues driving and arrives at Midtown High. Outside, well-dressed teenagers are walking to the entrance decorated with colorful balloons.) [Toomes] Here we are. End of the line. [Liz] Thanks, Dad. [Toomes] You head in there, gumdrop. I’m gonna give Peter the, uh, the “dad talk.” [Liz] (to Peter) Don’t let him intimidate you. (Liz kisses her dad on the cheek.) [Liz] Love you. [Toomes] Love you, gumdrop. [Liz] Have a safe flight. (Liz gets out of the car and joins her friends.) [Liz] Hi! You guys look so pretty. (Toomes turns to Peter with a gun.) [Toomes] Does she know? [Peter] Know what? [Toomes] So she doesn’t. Good. Close to the vest. I admire that. I’ve got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn’t want my daughter to date... (Toomes cracks a grin and shrugs, but Peter does not say anything.) [Toomes] Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter’s life. I could never forget something like that. So I’m gonna give you one chance. Are you ready? You walk through those doors, you forget any of this happened. And don’t you ever, ever interfere with my business again. Because if you do, I’ll kill you and everybody you love. I’ll kill you dead. That’s what I’ll do to protect my family. Do you understand? (Peter nods, unable to meet Toomes’ eyes.) [Toomes] Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say? (Peter raises his head and looks straight at Toomes.) [Peter] Thank you. [Toomes] You’re welcome. Now, you go in there and you show my daughter a good time, okay? Just not too good. (Peter gets out of the car with a tense expression on his face. Toomes drives off. Peter enters the school.) (Peter walks down the hallway, all sounds muffled as if underwater. He stops and watches his friends through the glass doors. Party in full swing. Spotting him, Ned waves and Michelle gives Peter the finger. A beat, then Peter pulls open the door. Pop music and chattering instantly fills Peter’s ears. Liz is dancing with some of her friends. She turns to Peter when he approaches.) [Liz] Hey. What did he say to you? (Peter just stares at Liz with an anxious look. Liz realizes that something is off.) [Peter] Gotta go. I’m, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. (Peter hurries away, leaving Liz in the middle of the dance floor. Michelle watches him go, craning her neck.) (Peter rushes out through the hallway and unties his tie. He lifts a row of lockers with one hand, picks up his homemade Spider-Man suit from under it.) (Now clad in his homemade Spider-Man suit, Peter exits the school. As he is about to round a school bus, someone shocks him from behind.) [Schultz] He gave you a choice. You chose wrong. [Peter] Ah, what the hell? [Schultz] What’s with the crappy costume? (The Shocker prepares his gauntlet for another shot. Peter searches for his web-shooter, which has fallen from the impact and is lying on the ground.) [Peter] My web-shooters... (Peter runs to the web-shooter, but Schultz hits a school bus to attack Peter, then kicks the web-shooter away.) [Schultz] I wasn’t sure about this thing at first, but damn. (Schultz hits Peter with the weapon, throwing him inside the bus. Peter spots chewed gums under a seat.) [Peter] Ugh. Gross. (Schultz punches the bus into the air. Peter tumbles as the vehicle lands upside down on the ground. Opening the door, Peter falls out. He slowly crawls to his web-shooter.) [Peter] Why did he send you here? [Schultz] Guess you’ll never know. (Suddenly, a strand of web attaches itself to the Shocker gauntlet. Reveal Ned holding the web-shooter.) [Peter] Nice shot! (Peter pulls the web-shooter to himself and traps Schultz against the school bus with a web blast.) [Peter] Yes! Ned, the guy with the wings is Liz’s dad. [Ned] What? [Peter] I know. I gotta tell Mr. Stark. Call Happy Hogan. He’s Mr. Stark’s head of security. And, uh, get a computer to track my phone for me. [Ned] Are you gonna be okay? (Peter jumps up onto a streetlight.) [Peter] Hurry, we gotta catch him before he leaves town. (Ned hurries toward the school building as Peter swings away.) (Flash is driving his annoyed date to the homecoming dance.) [Flash] I’m sorry about dinner, but I know when branzino’s fresh, and that was not fresh, okay? So... (Flash screams as Peter lands on the bonnet of his car.) [Peter] (in a gravelly voice) Flash, I need your car and your phone. [Flash] Uh, sir, technically, this is my dad’s car, sir. So I can’t... (Flash watches the Spider-Man drive away in his car and hit a row of bikes. He whimpers.) (Peter makes a call to Ned while driving precariously. Ned takes it in the library, between rows of computers.) [Peter] (in a normal voice) Hello, Ned? Hey, hey, hey, hey, can you hear me? [Ned] Go for Ned. [Peter] Ned, I need you to track my phone for me. [Ned] Yeah, but where is it? (Peter's phone lights up in the backseat of Toomes’ car. Toomes is unaware. Ned tracks the signal.) [Ned] Genius move. Okay, he just passed the GameStop on Jackson Avenue. [Peter] Hey, where are the headlights on this thing? I’m in Flash’s car. (Ned rolls his chair to another computer.) [Ned] I’ll pull the specs. [Peter] Okay, you’re on speakerphone. [Ned] You stole Flash’s car. Awesome. [Peter] Yeah, it’s awesome. It’s awe... Whoa! (Peter nearly crashes into other cars.) [Peter] Get out of the way, get out of the way! Move! Move! [Ned] Peter, are you okay? [Peter] I’ve never really driven before. Only with May in parking lots. This is a huge step up... (A car nearly hits Peter, who screams.) [Peter] Hey, have you gotten through to Happy yet? [Ned] Yeah. I’m working on it. I just gotta backdoor the phone system. (Ned rapidly types, then twirls in his chair.) [Ned] Guy in the chair. (Toomes checks his watch and heads to an old Brooklyn factory warehouse.) (Happy pops up on Ned’s computer screen.) [Happy] Takeoff in nine minutes. (to Ned) Hello? Hello? Who is this? [Ned] Uh... Mr. Happy, it’s Ned. [Happy] Who? [Ned] I’m an associate of Peter Parker. Got something very important to tell you- [Happy] You gotta be shitting me. (Happy’s screen goes off.) [Ned] Damn. [Peter] Hey, Ned, how we coming on with those headlights? [Ned] Uh... Round knob to the left of the steering wheel, turn clockwise. [Peter] Left. Okay. Okay, perfect. So where’s my phone now? [Ned] Um... He stopped in an old industrial park in Brooklyn. [Peter] What? That makes no sense. I thought he said he was going out of town! (The car is a literal hazard as it drives down the road.) [Ned] Weird. Oh, I reached Mr. Happy. Don’t think he likes you, by the way. It sounded like he was catching a flight. He said something about taking off in nine minutes. [Peter] What? [Ned] He was surrounded by a bunch of boxes. [Peter] Boxes? It’s moving day. It’s moving day! It’s moving day! He’s gonna rob that plane! I gotta stop him! (Inside Avengers Tower, Happy is talking on the phone, checking Tony’s belongings.) [Happy] All right, wheels up in eight minutes. We just got to load Tony’s old Hulkbuster armor, prototype for Cap’s new shield, and the Meging... the Meg... the... Thor’s magic belt. (Peter drives down an empty road at a high speed.) [Ned] Okay, slow down. You’re getting close. It’s on your right. [Peter] What? [Ned] Turn right! Turn right! (Peter shoots his web to make a sharp turn. The car crashes into a streetlight and is almost overturned. It slides down the road on its side, then finally screeches to a stop.) [Ned] Peter, are you okay? [Peter] Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy. (Peter jumps out of the car.) [Ned] It’s been an honor, Spider-Man. (Suddenly, the lights come on. Reveal Ms. Warren standing behind Ned.) [Ms. Warren] What are you doing here? There’s a dance. [Ned] Uh... (Ned hurriedly closes his laptop.) [Ned] (awkwardly) I’m... looking... at... porn. (We see a small window in the ceiling open. Peter hangs from his web and slowly descends into the building. The room is filled with computers and gadgets. Monitors showing Avengers Tower and the blueprint of Stark’s plane. Peter spots Vulture’s wing suit and goes deeper inside.) [Peter] Hey! Surprised? [Toomes] Oh, hey, Pete. I didn’t hear you come in. [Peter] It’s over. I’ve got you. [Toomes] You know, I gotta tell you, Pete, I really, really admire your grit. I see why Liz likes you. I do. When you first came to the house, I wasn’t sure. I thought, “Really?” But I get it now. [Peter] How could you do this to her? [Toomes] To her? I’m not doing anything to her, Pete. I’m doing this for her. [Peter] Huh, yeah. (Peter shoots his web and glues Vulture’s left hand against the desk.) [Toomes] (sighs) Peter, you’re young. You don’t understand how the world works. [Peter] Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong. [Toomes] How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower? Or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and the powerful, they do whatever they want. Guys like us, like you and me, they don’t care about us. We build their roads and we fight all their wars and everything, but they don’t care about us. We have to pick up after ‘em. We have to eat their table scraps. That’s how it is. I know you know what I’m talking about, Peter. [Peter] Why are you telling me this? [Toomes] Because I want you to understand. And... I needed a little time to get her airborne. (Vulture takes a folding knife out of his pocket. Vulture’s wing suit flies out from behind Peter’s back, which he avoids. In the confusion of the moment, Vulture cuts free from the web. The wing suit continues to attack Peter, but he avoids it with quick movements.) [Toomes] I’m sorry, Peter. [Peter] What are you talking about? That thing hasn’t even touched me yet. [Toomes] True. Then again, wasn’t really trying to. (Peter realizes that the wing suit wasn’t attacking him; instead, it was chopping down the pillars. The building collapses, its wreckage raining down on Peter and burying him. Vulture picks up a walkie-talkie.) [Mason] Chief, they’re powering up engines. [Toomes] Okay. [Mason] Come on, come on, come on. [Toomes] Yeah, yeah. (Vulture takes one last look of the pile of debris covering Peter, then walks away. He pauses to stare at the Avengers Tower. His wing suit attaches itself on his back.) (The plane is about to take off from the Avengers Tower. Happy walks away from it.) (We hear grunts and cries. Reveal Peter under the debris, still alive. He panics and takes off his mask.) [Peter] Oh, god. Okay, ready? (He struggles to get up but fails.) [Peter] Hello! Hello! Please. Hey, hey, please. I’m down here. I’m down here. I’m stuck. I’m stuck. I can’t move. I can’t... (Peter takes a moment to catch his breath and looks down at his reflection on a puddle. The Spider-Man mask in the puddle covers half the reflection, making it look as if Peter is wearing the Spider-Man mask on half his face.) [Tony] If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it. (Once again, Peter tries to push the debris off his back.) [Peter] Come on, Peter. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man! (Peter finally frees himself from the debris and gets up amongst rubbles. He spots Vulture perching on top of a stripped billboard.) (The plane takes off from Avengers Tower.) (Mason is sitting in a control room.) [Mason] Launch for intercept. Green light. Green light. [Toomes] Oh, yeah. (Vulture spreads his wings and prepares for takeoff. Peter shoots his web and swings onto the billboard, but narrowly misses Vulture, who flies away. Spider-Man shoots his web directly at Vulture.) [Tech] Retro-reflective panels engaged. (The outer panels of the plane light up and mirror the New York City. Vulture goes after the plane.) [Toomes] Got a visual on the plane, feeling a little resistance. [Mason] It’s probably just a drag on the new turbines. (Vulture checks behind him but misses Spider-Man, who is hanging from a web attached to his back.) [Peter] Ah! Whoa! (As Vulture goes higher and higher up, the night view of New York City gets smaller and smaller under Peter’s feet.) [Mason] Look out for the cloaking cameras. Stay in the blind spots. (Vulture flies to the bottom of the plane and holds on. Peter bumps into the plane a few times, but manages to grab onto it.) [Peter] Oh, my god! Oh, my god! [Mason] Deploy high-altitude vacuum seal. [Toomes] This better work, Mason. (The wing suit wraps around Vulture like a shell.) [Mason] Trust me, boss. Even one of those boxes and we are set for life. [Toomes] Yeah. (Vulture puts the matter phase shifter on the plane, creating a small rectangular window, and moves inside. Peter tries to follow Vulture, but loses his grip and almost falls off the plane.) [Peter] Hey! Ah! Whew. [Mason] You have thirty seconds to get to the cockpit and override their security. (Vulture walks to the front and rips out the door. The cockpit is empty. Outside, we see a blown-up image of Spider-Man crawling down the plane. He must have been caught the cloaking cameras. He approaches the wing suit and tries to open it. Vulture connects a device to the plane.) [Toomes] Cloning transponder signal. [Mason] Launching decoy drone. (A small drone is launched out from the wing suit, startling Peter.) [Toomes] Entering new coordinates. (Vulture manipulates the cockpit dashboard, piloting the plane off track.) (A computer monitor displays the flight course in Avengers Tower.) [Happy] Good, so it’s on its way? [Tech] Yes, sir, right on course. [Happy] Okay, thank you. All right. (The tech takes the laptop and leaves the almost-empty room.) (Peter is still struggling to open the wing suit. Inside the plane, Vulture finds the boxes and takes off his mask.) [Toomes] Hot dog. (Vulture opens one box after another. Rows and rows of Chitauri guns, arc reactors, etc. He takes out an Iron Man mask and throws it on the floor. Peter kicks Vulture’s wing suit and pushes it aside a bit. The air pressure inside the cabin drops, activating the alarm. Vulture checks an external monitor and realizes that Peter has followed him. He growls in anger.) (Vulture comes out and puts on his wing suit. Peter tries to hang onto the airplane.) [Peter] Just a typical homecoming on the outside of an invisible jet... Fighting my girlfriend’s dad. (Vulture comes at him and takes out panels right above his head. Peter shoots his web at Vulture. Peter is now suspended in air, one hand holding onto the web sticking to the plane, another hand holding onto the web glued to Vulture. The webs snap off and Peter is sucked in towards the engines.) [Peter] Oh, god! (He shoots his web to stop the propellers. Vulture, who was also dragged to the engines, escapes death, but his wing suit is a bit damaged. Hanging onto propeller blades laced with spiderweb, Peter sighs in relief.) [Peter] Whew. I can’t believe that worked. (Suddenly, the propeller falls off. Peter avoids the crisis by holding onto the plane and kicking the propeller off his body. Vulture flies back and attacks Peter. Peter avoids them, but Vulture keeps coming at him. The impact sets one of the engines on fire. Peter clings onto the side of the engine with a thin strand of web.) [Mason] Chief, chief, they’re losing altitude. Get out of there. [Toomes] I’m not going home empty-handed. (Vulture sets to break open the ceiling of the plane. Still hanging from the engine, Peter sees the plane flying straight at the city.) [Peter] Oh, my god. (Peter shoots his web at the right wing of the plane and pulls on it to change the plane’s direction. On the streets, passersby watch the plane flying overhead. Vulture tears open the ceiling and holds a box in his claws.) [Mason] Get out of there! What are you doing? (Peter continues to struggle with the plane.) [Peter] Please turn! Please turn! (The plane narrowly misses crashing into the city and heads toward Coney Island. Instead of escaping, Vulture tries to hold onto a box.) (Happy, sitting comfortably in a chair, jumps up. He looks out and sees Tony’s plane flying straight at Coney Island.) (The plane hits a ride and crash-lands on the beach of Coney Island. Peter loses hold of the plane and rolls down the beach. Everything is consumed in smoke and flames. Peter slowly gets up and takes off his mask. His ears are ringing. He has just staggered up to his feet when, suddenly, Vulture flies toward him and attacks him. Sparks fly from Vulture’s wings; it is clear that he has suffered some serious damage, too.) [Toomes] Hey, Pedro. (Vulture continues to attack Peter. Peter shoots his web, but misses and gets pinned to the ground like a bird of prey. He screams as Vulture grabs him tightly with his claws and rains down punches at him. When Peter grabs Vulture’s fist to prevent another blow, Vulture flies up and lets go of him. Peter avoids serious injury by shooting a strand of web and holding on to Vulture, but Vulture cuts it off and throws him to the ground. He then slams Peter into the ground a few times. Peter flips onto his back in a sluggish way, then looks up at Vulture, who picks him up by the hood of his Spider-Man costume. Vulture is holding Peter there, studying his limp body, when he spots a crate.) [Toomes] Bingo. (Vulture lets go of Peter, takes his goggles off, and grabs the crateful of arc reactors. Sparks rain down from his wing suit when he tries to lift the crate, but Vulture does not stop.) [Peter] Your wing suit. Your wing suit’s gonna explode! (Lifting his weary arm, Peter shoots a strand of web at the crate and pulls with all his might. A tug of war ensues.) [Toomes] Time to go home, Pete. [Peter] I’m trying to save you! (Vulture cuts the web with his wing and tries to fly off. Peter presses the button on his web shooter, but it doesn’t work. He looks up to see the wing suit failing and covers his head. Vulture drops to the ground along with his wing suit. An explosion consumes him.) [Peter] No. (Peter struggles up and runs into the flames. He spots Toomes and tries to lift the wing suit off him, but screams as he makes contact with hot metal. However, he doesn’t give up. He picks the wing suit up, finds Toomes, and carries him away from the flames. Peter lays Toomes down on the beach. Wheezing and coughing from the smoke, Toomes looks up at Peter, who returns his gaze.) (The flames have died out a little. A search party is scouring the beach. Happy finds Vulture tied to a pile of crates with spiderweb. A note is attached beside him: “FOUND FLYING VULTURE GUY. SPIDER-MAN. P.S. SORRY ABOUT YOUR PLANE.” Happy raises his head and looks around as if searching for someone.) (Fire engines pass by the Cyclone. Peter is sitting on top of it. He closes his eyes, wounded and weary.) (Midtown High. Students are taking down a homecoming banner. Below it, Ned and Peter walk down the corridor.) [Ned] It looked so insane. That whole... Like, it was just crazy. He, he was just like, “Zzzz,” and you were like, “Ah!” [Peter] Shh. [Ned] And then I just hit him with the “pew.” It was so, oh, my god. [Peter] You saved me. It was awesome. (Peter spots Liz at the end of the corridor. Her mom is walking beside her with a box full of her belongings. Betty runs to Liz and hugs her. Peter runs toward them.) [Peter] Hey, Liz! [Betty] I’m gonna miss you. [Liz] Bye. [Peter] Liz. (Liz waits for Peter, wiping tears off her face.) [Peter] Liz, look. I’m so sorry. [Liz] You say that a lot. What are you sorry for this time? (When Peter fails to answer:) [Liz] The dance? That was a pretty crappy thing to do. [Peter] Well, yeah, but I... I mean, your dad... I can’t imagine what you’re going through. If there’s anything I can do to help... [Liz] (fighting tears) I guess we’re moving to Oregon. Mom says it’s nice there, so that’s cool. Anyways, Dad doesn’t want us here during the trial, so... [Peter] Liz, I... I... [Liz] Bye, Peter. Whatever’s going on with you, I hope you figure it out. (Liz leaves the school with her mother. Peter watches her go.) (In the library, Mr. Harrington brings the Decathlon trophy to a table of students.) [Mr. Harrington] Congratulations, Decathlon national champions. [Decathlon Team] (clapping) Yeah! [Mr. Harrington] I’m gonna have to put this back in the trophy case soon, but just for motivation right now at this practice. I’m a little ahead of the game, but we will need a new team captain next year. So I’m appointing Michelle. (The students turn to Michelle and clap.) [Decathlon Team] Yeah! [Michelle] Uh, thank you. My friends call me M.J. [Ned] I thought you didn’t have any friends. [Michelle] I didn’t. (Peter’s cell phone vibrates. He picks the broken phone up and reads a message from an unknown number: “Go to the bathroom.”) [Peter] I... I gotta go. [Michelle] Hey, where you going? (Peter freezes as he thinks of an excuse. Michelle stares at him, eyes filled with suspicion.) [Michelle] What are you hiding, Peter? (Peter’s lips open, but no sound comes out. Suddenly, a grin breaks out on Michelle’s face.) [Michelle] I’m just kidding. I don’t care. Bye. (to Decathlon team) All right, so we should run some drills. [Ned] Yeah. (Michelle watches with curious eyes as Peter stands to leave.) (Peter rounds the corner and finds Happy waiting for him in the bathroom.) [Peter] Hey, Happy. What, uh... What are you doing here? [Happy] I really owe you one. I don’t know what I would do without this job. I mean, before I met Tony- (A toilet flushes and cuts him off. They awkwardly stand there as Tiny McKeever comes out, washes his hands, wipes them, and leaves the bathroom, throwing a long, confused glance at them. Finally:) [Peter] So, uh, how long you been here? [Happy] Long enough to be awkward. Boss wants to see you. [Peter] (whispers) Is he here too? [Happy] In the toilet? No, he’s upstate. [Peter] Upstate? Like, upstate-upstate? [Happy] Yeah, let’s go. (Inside Happy's car. Dashboard display says: “You may take your hands off the steering wheel.”) [Happy] Take a look. It’s pretty impressive, huh? (Outside the window, we see the New Avengers Facility.) [Happy] They just finished remodeling the whole thing. (Peter studies the facility with an awed expression. We see the reflection of a Quinjet taking off.) (Inside the compound, Peter watches a Quinjet fly off with a huge grin.) [Happy] You don’t see that every day. (Tony approaches them.) [Tony] Oh, there they are. How was the ride up? [Happy] Good. [Tony] Give me a minute with the kid. [Happy] Seriously? [Tony] Yeah. I gotta talk to the kid. [Happy] I’ll be close behind. [Tony] How about a loose follow? All right? Boundaries are good. (Tony playfully punches Peter in the shoulder, then puts an arm around him.) [Tony] Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out it was the perfect sort of tough-love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn’t you think? Don’t you think? [Peter] Yeah, yeah, I guess. [Tony] Let’s just say it was. (Tony sighs and continues leading Peter towards a door.) [Peter] Mr. Stark, I really- [Tony] You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing. Took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... All right, not my best analogy. (beat) I was wrong about you. I think, with a little more mentoring, you could be a real asset to the team. [Peter] To the... To the team? [Tony] Yeah. Anyway... (points at a door) There’s about fifty reporters behind that door. Real ones, not bloggers. (He presses some buttons on his watch and a secret compartment in the wall opens, revealing a brand new Spider-Man suit, the Iron Spider Armor.) [Tony] When you’re ready... Why don’t you try that on? And I’ll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers: Spider-Man. [Peter] I... (Peter chuckles, amazed.) [Tony] Yeah. Give that a look. (Peter continues to admire the Iron Spider Armor.) [Tony] So, after the press conference, Happy will show you to your room, your new quarters. (to Happy) Where’s he between? He’s next to Vision? [Happy] Yeah, Vision’s not big on doors. [Tony] It’s fun. [Happy] Or walls. [Tony] (to Peter) You’ll fit right in. (Peter hesitates for a moment, then turns to Tony.) [Peter] Thank you, Mr. Stark. But I’m good. [Tony] You’re good? Good? How are you good? [Peter] Well, I mean, I’m... I’d rather just stay on the ground for a little while. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Somebody’s got to look out for the little guy, right? (Tony takes off his sunglasses and stares into Peter’s eyes.) [Tony] You turning me down? You better think about this. (pointing at the new Spider-Man suit) Look at that. Look at me. Last chance, yes or no? [Peter] No. [Tony] Okay. It’s kind of a Springsteen-y, working class hero vibe that I dig. Uh, Happy will take you home. Yeah? [Happy] Yeah. (to Peter) Mind waiting in the car? I need a minute. [Peter] Thank you, Mr. Stark. [Tony] Yes, Mr. Parker. Very well. (Tony and Peter shake hands.) [Peter] See you around. [Tony] Okay. (Peter starts to leave with a spring in his step, but then slows to a stop and turns to Tony, who is putting the Iron Spider Armor away with a tap on his watch.) [Peter] That was a test, right? There’s, uh, nobody back there? [Tony] Yes, you passed. All right, skedaddle there, young buck. [Peter] Thank you, Mr. Stark. Thank you. [Tony] Yeah, thank you. (Peter walks away.) [Happy] Told you he’s a good kid. (Tony shrugs. A door behind him opens, revealing a room full of reporters. We can hear their excited murmurs. Pepper comes out with a somewhat frenzied, annoyed look when she realizes that Peter is not there.) [Pepper] Where’s the kid? [Happy] He left. [Pepper] Everybody’s waiting. [Tony] You know what? He actually made a really mature choice. It just surprised the heck out of us. [Pepper] Did you guys screw this up? [Tony] (points at Happy) He told the kid to go wait in the car. [Pepper] Are you kidding me? I have a room full of people in there waiting for some big announcement. What am I gonna tell them? [Tony] Think of something. How about, um... Hap, you still got that ring? [Happy] Do I... I, uh... (Happy makes a show of patting his pockets to find the ring.) [Tony] The engagement ring? [Happy] Are you kidding? I’ve been carrying this since 2008. (He holds up the engagement ring. Beat, then:) [Tony] Okay. [Pepper] I think I can think of something better than that. [Tony] Well, it would buy us a little time. (Pepper kisses Tony with a smile on her lips.) [Tony] Like we need time. [Pepper] I can’t believe you have that thing in your pocket. (She starts to walk back towards the conference room.) [Tony] Want me to get the door for you, hon? [Pepper] I got it. (Tony quickly follows her, catching the ring that Happy throws to him.) (Peter walks out of the facility. A smile blossoms on his face.) [Peter] Aunt May, did you do dinner already? (Peter enters his apartment and throws his keys on a table. He stops when he finds a brown paper bag that says “This belongs to you. -TS” sitting on his bed. Taking out his earphones, Peter calls out:) [Peter] May? (No answer. Peter gets into his Spider-Man suit, then pulls off the mask. Reveal May standing in the doorway behind him.) [May] What the fu...? (Prison. Toomes walks through a cell block. Mac Gargan, the Scorpion, approaches.) [Gargan] Look who it is! What are the odds you and I’d end up in the same summer camp? Relax. This? (points at the scar on his forehead) It’s not on you. It’s on our, uh... little spider friend. I’ve got some boys on the outside who would love to meet him. You know, take a picture, slice his throat, put his head in a dryer. And I heard a rumor... you know who he is. (Toomes smiles almost imperceptibly.) [Toomes] If I knew who he was, he’d already be dead. (Gargan stares at him with one eye severely bloodshot.) [Guard] Toomes, your family’s here. (Toomes walks away, smiling.) An empty white screen. Captain America enters frame in his uniform. [Steve] Hi. I’m Captain America. Here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a soldier or student can have. Patience. Sometimes patience is the key to victory. Sometimes it leads to very little. It seems like it’s not worth it. And you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing. (He uncomfortably glares at someone off-screen.) [Steve] How many more of these? (Cut to black.)

{"title": "Spider-Man: Homecoming"}

marvel/pdunton

[THOR] RAGNAROK Written by Eric Pearson and Craig Kyle & Christopher L. Yost OMITTED 1 1 OMITTED A2 A2 THE MARVEL LOGO. SMOLDERING, BEGINNING TO TURN ORANGE IN THE A3 A3 HEAT AS WE TILT UP TO SEE- -FIRE. NOTHING BUT FIRE. INT. TIGHT SPACE - INDETERMINATE TIME 2 2 Dark and cramped. The soft red light of fire seeps through iron slats. Inside this cage is a man, bound by chains. It’s THOR. His beard is long and his clothes are worn. That rough, grizzled look of a man who’s spent years on the road. He awakens with a JOLT. Looks around. THOR Now I know what you’re thinking. Oh no! Thor’s in a cage. How did this happen? (then:) Well, sometimes you have to get captured just to get a straight answer out of somebody. It’s a long story but basically I'm a bit of a hero. See, I spent some time on earth, fought some robots, saved the planet a couple of times. Then I went searching through the cosmos for some magic, colorful Infinity Stone things... didn’t find any. That’s when I came across a path of death and destruction which led me all the way here into this cage... where I met you. Reveal that he’s talking to a weird alien skeleton in chains. THOR (CONT’D) How much longer do you think we’ll be here? NOISE. Sounds of metal gears TURNING. Suddenly the bottom DROPS OUT! Thor PLUMMETS until - SHLINK! Chains CINCH and abruptly halt his descent. Thor dangles six feet off the ground. Pull back to reveal we are in- INT. SURTUR’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS 3 3 A cavernous space. The walls, floors, and ceilings are molten rock, which has creepy glimmers of fire within it. Stationed in the center is a volcanic rock throne, and sitting in that throne is a charred demonic skeleton. SURTUR (O.S.) Thor, Son of Odin. Thor’s chain turns to reveal- -SURTUR on his throne. Eighteen-feet-tall, flesh made of fire, and demonic spiked horns on his skull. THOR Surtur. Son of a bitch...you’re still alive! I thought my father killed you, like, half a million years ago. SURTUR I cannot die. Not until I fulfill my destiny and lay waste to your home. THOR You know, it’s funny you should mention that because I’ve been having these terrible dreams of late. Asgard up in flames, falling to ruins, and you Surtur are at the center of all of them. SURTUR Then you have seen Ragnarok, the fall of Asgard. The great prophecy-- THOR (O.S.) Hang on. Hang on. Reveal that Thor’s chain is turning VERY SLOWLY. THOR (CONT’D) I’ll be back around shortly. I really feel like we were connecting there. After a beat, Thor rotates around to face Surtur. THOR (CONT’D) Okay, so, Ragnarok. Tell me about that. Walk me through it. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 2. SURTUR My time has come. When my crown is reunited with the Eternal Flame, I shall be restored to my full might. I will tower over the mountains and bury my sword deep in Asgard’s-- THOR Oh, hang on. Give it a second. Once again, Thor is turning VERY SLOWLY. THOR (CONT’D) I swear I’m not even moving, it’s just doing this on its own. I’m really sorry. (then:) Okay, let me get this straight. You’re going to put your crown into the Eternal Flame, and then you’ll suddenly grow as big as a house-- SURTUR A mountain! THOR The Eternal Flame that Odin keeps locked away on Asgard? Surtur grins, evil. SURTUR Odin is not on Asgard. And your absence has left the throne defenseless. That elicits a concerned look from Thor. THOR Okay, so where is it? This crown? SURTUR This is my Crown, the source of my power. Surtur points at the V-shaped horns on his head.. THOR Oh, that’s a crown? I thought it was a big eyebrow. SURTUR It’s a crown. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 3. THOR Anyway, it sounds like all I have to do to stop Ragnarok is rip that thing off your head. Surtur stands up and approaches Thor, DRAGGING his sword. SURTUR But Ragnarok has already begun. You cannot stop it. I am Asgard’s doom, and so are you. All will suffer, all will burn. Surtur steps forward and GRABS the chain above Thor’s feet, holding it so he and Thor are face to face. THOR That’s intense. To be honest, seeing you grow really big and set fire to a planet would be quite the spectacle. But it looks like I’m going to have to go with option B where I bust out of these chains, knock that tiara off your head, and stash it away in Asgard’s vault. SURTUR You cannot stop Ragnarok. Why fight it? Behind his back, Thor opens his hand. Sending out the SOS. THOR Because that’s what heroes do. Nothing happens. Thor appears annoyed at himself. THOR (CONT’D) Wait, sorry. I didn’t time that right. (pause) And, now! BOOM! Thor’s hammer Mjolnir CRASHES through the wall! Thor BREAKS FREE from his chains, GRABS Mjolnir, spins, and flies a distance away. He FLINGS Mjolnir back at Surtur, smashing the giant in the face. Mjolnir returns. SURTUR You have made a grave mistake, Odinson. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 4. THE WALLS COME ALIVE! A seemingly infinite swarm of FIRE DEMONS rally to Surtur’s aid. THOR I make grave mistakes all the time. Everything seems to work out. In the shadows, a massive FIRE DRAGON ROARS. The fire demons SURGE FORWARD. Thor backs up, HAMMERING AWAY. He then leaps back, SPRINGBOARDS off the wall, and- -LANDS HARD, SLAMMING Mjolnir down. The resulting shockwave KNOCKS BACK THE LEGION OF FIRE DEMONS. The Fire Dragon STRAINS against a chain leash. Thor is now facing off with Surtur. Surtur thrusts his hands at Thor, generating a humongous PROJECTILE WALL OF FIRE! Thor SPINS Mjolnir so fast that it creates a kind of SHIELD. The God of Thunder and the Fire Giant engage in ferocious hand-to-hand combat. Each landing power shots, sending sparks of both fire and electricity into the air. Thor SLIPS behind Surtur and TAKES OUT his knees. Thor then LAUNCHES HIGH into the air and summons a HUGE LIGHTNING BOLT. Descending hard, he uses all his power to- -LOP SURTUR’S HEAD OFF OF HIS BODY! Surtur’s body DEFLATES and COLLAPSES into a heap of charred bones. Thor straps the crowned skull to his back. He turns to find- -the army of Fire Demons regrouping as reinforcements flood in, filling the space to capacity. Recognizing the threat, Thor thrusts Mjolnir above his head. THOR (CONT’D) Heimdall. I know it’s been a while, but I could use a fast exit! Nothing. Thor just stands there as the Fire Demons advance. THOR (CONT’D) ...Heimdall? INT. THE OBSERVATORY - SAME 4 4 Heimdall is nowhere to be found. Instead, we meet SKURGE. He’s bald, strong, mean looking, a little eager to be liked. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 5. At the moment, Skurge is entertaining two ASGARDIAN WOMEN. SKURGE Heimdall was an idiot. This job should have made him rich. Now, the job ain’t easy, but it does have its benefits. The Bi-Frost gives me access to everything the Nine Realms have to offer. I mean it’s all mine for the taking. (beat) Behold...my stuff. Skurge has drawn their attention to a pile of weapons and treasures he has stashed off to the side. He hefts up two M-16 assault rifles, trying to play it cool. SKURGE (CONT’D) I’m particularly fond of these. I pulled ‘em out of a place on Midgard called Texas. I even named them. Des and Troy. You see, when you put them together...they destroy. INT. SURTUR’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS 5 5 Having expected to have been Bi-Frosted out of there, Thor is OVERRUN BY THE GIANT WAVE OF FIRE DEMONS! The Fire Dragon BREAKS FREE of its chain. Realizing he’s in trouble, Thor TAKES OFF, rocketing up to- EXT. MUSPELHEIM - CONTINUOUS 6 6 Thor CRASHES out of the ground and LANDS on a craggy surface. Disoriented and singed from the fire demon onslaught. Thor’s cloak is on fire, and he frantically PATS OUT the flames. He picks up Mjolnir, holds it up once more. Nothing. THOR Heimdall, come on. THE GROUND SHAKES! Like an earthquake. Thor backs up as the ground begins to give way all around him. And then- -THE FEARSOME FIRE DRAGON BURSTS OUT OF THE GROUND! The dragon opens its tremendous jaws for an ear-splitting roar... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 6. ...but Thor STUFFS Mjolnir into its mouth and lets go. THUD! The hammer DROPS, pinning the beast down by its bottom jaw. It THRASHES and GROWLS, trying to break free. THOR (CONT’D) Stay. (looks up to the sky:) I’m running short on-- Thor notices that all around him the ground is CRUMBLING like a field of sinkholes giving way to more snarling Fire Demons! THOR (CONT’D) -options. Thor calls for Mjolnir and TAKES OFF. The dragon SCREECHES! OMITTED 7 7 OMITTED 8 8 INT. THE OBSERVATORY - SAME 9 9 Skurge continues showing off for the ladies. THOR (O.S.) Heimdall? Behind Skurge the Bi-Frost starts MOVING. One of the women notices the Bi-Frost glowing. ASGARDIAN WOMAN Skurge, is that important? Skurge turns and notices the Bi-Frost activity. SKURGE You girls are in for a treat. Angle on Heimdall’s sword, which has been sloppily cast aside in another pile of “stuff.” Skurge hastily runs and grabs it. EXT. MUSPELHEIM - CONTINUOUS 10 10 Thor is FLYING at top speed, but that dragon is right on his heels! The fire demons LAUNCH flaming projectiles from below! Thor looks back, genuinely nervous. The dragon is OPENING its jaws to swallow Thor whole when- -Suddenly Bi-Frost OPENS! The portal surrounds Thor and engulfs the dragon’s head! In an instant, they’re gone. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 7. MAIN TITLE INT. THE OBSERVATORY - MOMENTS LATER 11 11 Skurge has plunged Heimdall’s sword into Bi-Frost. BOOM! Thor EXPLODES out of the portal along with the severed head of the dragon! SPLAT! Blood and guts RAIN DOWN on Skurge and the two women, DRENCHING them with purple gore. The dragon’s head SLIDES slowly across the floor, coming to rest right in front of the women who are frozen in shock. The women SHRIEK and rush out of the Observatory. Thor meanwhile is clean and staggering back to his feet. He looks up to Skurge, who is wiping dragon guts off of himself. SKURGE Girls! (beat) Well well, look who decided to pop in. Thanks for scaring away my company and drenching my workplace in brains. THOR Who are you? SKURGE Don’t you remember? I’m Skurge. (Thor doesn’t) We fought together on Vanaheim. THOR Right. Where’s Heimdall? SKURGE That traitor. No one knows, he’s a fugitive of the throne. THOR Traitor? SKURGE Yeah, you see, Odin charged Heimdall with negligence of duty, but he disappeared before the trial. Hard to catch a guy who can see everything in the Universe. Thor starts to say something, but then gives up. Instead he starts towards the exit... but Skurge stands in his way. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 8. THOR Sure. SKURGE Hold on. I’m supposed to announce your arrival. Thor SPINS UP Mjolnir and takes off in a blur. Skurge starts the loooong run down the Rainbow Bridge. OMITTED 12 12 EXT. THEATER ENTRANCE - DAY A13 A13 THOR arrives with Surtur’s skull. There’s a small crowd making its way through a threshold over which stands a monumental statue of Loki, arms out-stretched in the ‘savior’ pose. Confused, Thor turns to a theater patron. THOR What the hell is that? EXT. ASGARD - ROYAL TERRACE - PATIO - MOMENTS LATER 13 13 LOKI falls into frame, GASPING FOR BREATH... although it’s not Loki. This is ACTOR LOKI and we’re watching a STAGE PLAY. In the background, a single musician plays the haunting score [from THOR] THE DARK WORLD on a pan flute. Suddenly, ACTOR THOR leans into shot, holding Actor Loki. ACTOR LOKI Oh, brother. This is it. I take my leave. ACTOR THOR You fool, you didn’t listen! ACTOR LOKI I’m sorry. ACTOR THOR Lady Sif! Get help! “Sif” awkwardly runs off. The “Warriors Three” watch sadly. A small choir JOINS IN as the music builds to a CRESCENDO. ACTOR SIF Somebody help! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 9. In the middle of the audience we reveal ODIN, sitting upon a chaise lounge, sipping wine and thoroughly enjoying the show. Unseen, Thor arrives behind the audience and watches. ACTOR LOKI Sorry for all I’ve done. ACTOR THOR It’s all right. Hold on. ACTOR LOKI I’m sorry I tried to rule Earth. ACTOR THOR They’d be lucky to have you. ACTOR LOKI I’m sorry about that thing with the Tesseract. I just couldn’t help myself. ACTOR THOR I know. ACTOR LOKI I’m a trickster. ACTOR THOR So mischievous. ACTOR LOKI Sorry about that time I turned you into a frog. ACTOR THOR It was a wonderful joke. ODIN (to no-one in particular) Twas indeed hilarious. ACTOR THOR You are the savior of Asgard. ACTOR LOKI Tell my story. ACTOR THOR I will. ACTOR LOKI Build a statue for me. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 10. ACTOR THOR We will build a big statue for you. ACTOR LOKI With my helmet on, with the big bendy horns. ACTOR THOR I will tell Father what you did here today. Odin mouths Actor Loki’s final line along with him. ACTOR LOKI I didn’t do it for him. Actor Loki then “dies”. ACTOR THOR Noooooo!!! The brothers freeze in a TABLEAU as ACTOR ODIN steps forward. ACTOR ODIN And so Loki died of his wounds, giving his life for ours. He fought back those disgusting dark elves. He brought peace to the realm. He takes a 4-YEAR-OLD BOY, PAINTED BLUE, into his arms. ACTOR ODIN (CONT’D) Loki, my boy...‘Twas many moons ago I found you on a frost-bitten battlefield. Thor watches, incredulous. He then notices that a woman next to him is openly SOBBING at the play. ACTOR ODIN (CONT’D) On that day, I did not yet see in you Asgard’s savior. No. You were merely a little blue baby icicle... that melted this old fool’s heart. The crowd erupts in rapturous applause. The players bow. Odin stands up, leading the crowd in this STANDING OVATION. ODIN Bravo! Bravo! Well done. Bravo. THOR Father. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 11. Odin sees Thor taking a knee. Curses under his breath: ODIN Oh, shit. (then, announcing) My son! Thor has returned! Greetings my boy. Odin goes through a weird internal transformation. His fluidity is replaced by a rigid and regal posture. He bats away his maiden and turns to Thor, who stands up. THOR It’s an interesting play. What’s it called? ODIN The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard. The people wanted to commemorate him. THOR Indeed they should. (provoking) I like that statue. A lot better looking than he was when he was alive, though. A little less weasely. Less greasy maybe. Odin sours, masking his agitation. Thor holds up the skull. THOR (CONT’D) You know what this is? ODIN (ADR) The skull of Surtur? That’s a formidable weapon. Thor approaches an E-Guard and hands it over. THOR Do me a favor. Lock this in a vault so it doesn’t turn into a giant monster and destroy the whole planet. ODIN So it’s back to Midgard for you, is it? Thor starts YO-YOing Mjolnir, turns back to Odin. THOR Nope. I’ve been having this reocurring dream lately. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 12. Every night I see Asgard fall into ruins... ODIN That’s just a silly dream... Signs of an overactive imagination. THOR Possibly... but then I decide to go out there and investigate. And what do I find, but the Nine Realms completely in chaos. Enemies of Asgard assembling, plotting our demise, all while you, Odin, the protector of those Nine Realms, are sitting here in your bathrobe, eating grapes. ODIN Well, it is best to respect our neighbors’ freedom. THOR Of course, the freedom to be massacred. ODIN Yes, besides, I have been rather busy myself. THOR Watching theatre. ODIN Board meetings, and security council meetings... THOR You really going to make me do it? ODIN Do what? Thor SPINS Mjolnir and then HURLS it off into the distance, GRABS Odin by the back of the neck. Odin’s royal attendants GASP in shock. The Einherjar bodyguards rush Thor, but he KICKS them away. THOR You know that nothing will stop Mjolnir as it returns to my hand. Mjolnir stops mid-air and starts ROCKETING BACK. THOR (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 13. THOR (CONT’D) Not even your face. ODIN You’ve gone quite mad. You’ll be executed for this! Mjolnir approaches at a terrifying speed as Odin struggles. THOR Then I’ll see you on the other side...brother. The jig is up. A shimmering illusion dissipates, revealing: LOKI Alright, I yield! Thor DROPS Loki to the ground and catches Mjolnir. Loki looks to Thor, hands up defensively. Skurge arrives on the scene, a little late to warn Loki. SKURGE Behold! Thor..Odinson. LOKI You had one job! Just the one. THOR Where’s Odin? LOKI You just couldn’t stay away, could you? Everything was fine without you. Asgard was prospering (gestures to the crowd) You’ve ruined everything. Ask them. Those who aren’t freaked out are becoming gradually angrier. Thor advances on Loki, who backs up onto the chaise lounge. THOR Where’s father? Did you kill him? LOKI You had what you wanted, you had the independence you asked for! Thor PRESSES Mjolnir onto Loki’s chest. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 14. LOKI (CONT’D) Ow-ow-ow! Alright! I know exactly where he is. OMITTED 14 14 OMITTED 15 15 OMITTED 16 16 EXT. SHADY ACRES NURSING HOME - MANHATTAN - DAY 17 17 A NURSING HOME sign on a brick wall. Suddenly the wall crumbles out of shot, revealing a demolition site. Reveal Thor and Loki wearing street clothes. Thor carries an umbrella, Loki is dressed in a weird avant-garde suit. LOKI I swear, I left him right here. THOR Right here on the sidewalk? Or right there, where the building that’s being demolished? Great planning. LOKI How was I supposed to know? Can’t see into the future. I’m not a witch. THOR Then why do you dress like one? LOKI Hey. THOR I can’t believe you’re alive. I saw you die. I mourned you, I cried for you. LOKI I’m honored. COLLEGE GIRL 2 Ask him. COLLEGE GIRL 1 Hi. Would you mind taking a picture with us? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 15. THOR Sure. (to Loki:) Start figuring out where he is. COLLEGE GIRL 1 Oh, my god. COLLEGE GIRL 2 Sorry to hear that Jane dumped you. THOR She didn’t dump me, you know. I dumped her. It was a mutual dumping. Thor notices something going on around Loki. THOR (CONT’D) What’s this, what are you doing!? Loki looks down to see that the sidewalk has started to GLOW BENEATH HIM! A circle of ancient symbols. LOKI This... isn’t me. WHOOMPF! Loki DROPS out of sight, vanishing through solid concrete! Thor sees a CARD on the sidewalk where Loki was. Thor pokes the business card. THOR Loki? He picks up the card. It reads: 177A Bleecker Street Thor picks up the card and - WHOOSH! EXT. SANCTUM SANTORUM - DAY 18 18 Thor approaches 177A Bleecker Street. He knocks ONCE, TWICE, and then WHOOSH! INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM UPSTAIRS PARLOR - CONTINUOUS 19 19 Thor is suddenly inside Doctor Strange’s lair! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 16. STRANGE (O.S.) Thor Odinson. From a dark corner we glimpse a shape - DOCTOR STRANGE. Levitating, he drifts towards Thor. STRANGE (CONT’D) God of Thunder. Thor holds up the ratty umbrella, ready to defend himself. STRANGE (CONT’D) You can put down the umbrella. Thor gives Strange a sideways look but then sets his umbrella down. When he looks back up, the environment is furnished. THOR So earth has wizards now? STRANGE The preferred term is “Master of the Mystic Arts.” THOR Alright wizard, who are you? Why should I care? STRANGE My name is Doctor Stephen Strange and I have some questions for you. Take a seat. Thor and Strange are now sitting in high-backed chairs. STRANGE (CONT’D) Tea? Thor now has a cup of tea in his hand. THOR I don’t drink tea. STRANGE What do you drink? THOR Not tea. Thor now has a stein of beer in his hand. He drinks it throughout the scene, but it always stays full. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 17. STRANGE So I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother Loki is one of these beings. THOR He’s a worthy inclusion. STRANGE Then why bring him here? THOR We’re looking for my father. STRANGE So. If you were to tell you where Odin was, all parties concerned would promptly return to Asgard? THOR Promptly. DR. STRANGE Great. Then I’ll help you. THOR If you knew where he was, why didn’t you call me? DR. STRANGE I have to tell you, he was adamant that he not be disturbed. Your father said he had chosen to remain in exile. (beat) And you don’t have a phone. THOR No, I don’t have a phone, but you could have sent an electronic letter. It’s called an email. STRANGE Yeah, do you have a computer? THOR No. What for? (beat) Anyway, my father is no longer in exile. So if you could tell me where he is, I can take him home. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 18. DR. STRANGE Gladly. He’s in Norway. Strange stands up and suddenly they are standing by a book- case. Strange takes down an ancient book, flips through it. STRANGE I’m just seeing whether this incantation requires any Asgardian modifications. Thor reaches out to the bookcase to steady himself. STRANGE (CONT’D) Nope. Suddenly they are both across the room at Strange’s work station. Because Thor was touching the bookcase, he has magically brought it across the room as well. STRANGE (CONT’D) Oh, we don’t need that. Suddenly Thor is back across the room. Books fall off the shelf and Thor’s beer spills. He is queasy and unsteady from the teleporting. THOR Will you stop doing that? STRANGE I need just one strand of your hair. THOR Let me explain something, my hair is not to be meddled wi-! Strange is behind Thor, he plucks a strand of hair. Strange extends the hair, infuses it with magic, does a few gestures that create a BRIGHT LIGHT and suddenly- INT. SANCTUM SANCTORUM - FRONT STAIRCASE - CONTINUOUS A20 A20 Bottom of the stairs. Strange is standing. Thor is rolling down the stairs. A magic portal leading into a peaceful meadow has opened beside Strange. THOR We could have just walked. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 19. DR. STRANGE (re: the portal) He’s waiting for you. THOR All right. STRANGE Don’t forget your umbrella. THOR Yes. Thor extends his arm and holds out his hand. Crashing noises are heard. Lots of crashing noises. THOR (CONT’D) Sorry Finally the umbrella flies into his hand. THOR (CONT’D) I suppose I’ll need my brother back. DR. STRANGE Yeah, right. Suddenly we hear SCREAMING. From above, LOKI drops out of a portal. He LANDS HARD on the floor and then STAGGERS to his feet. On edge, confused. LOKI ...I have been falling...for thirty minutes! DR. STRANGE (to Thor:) You can handle him from here. THOR Yeah of course. (they shake hands) Thank you very much for your help. STRANGE Good luck. LOKI Handle me? Who are you? THOR Loki. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 20. Loki DRAWS a dagger, ready to attack Strange. LOKI ..you think you’re some kind of sorcerer? Don’t think for one minute, you second-rate... DR. STRANGE Bye-bye. Strange GESTURES with both hands and- -WHOOSH! PULLS the magic portal over them. Just like that, Thor and Loki are gone. OMITTED 20 20 EXT. CLIFFS - DAY 21 21 Beautiful, undisturbed nature. We hear the ocean nearby. LOKI lands on the ground, portal closes behind them. THOR Father? A lone figure stands at the other side of the meadow at the cliff’s edge, waves CRASHING below. It is ODIN. He’s dressed plainly in humble human clothes. The boys approach him quickly. ODIN Look at this place. It’s beautiful. THOR Father, it’s us. ODIN My sons. I’ve been waiting for you. Loki is surprised to hear Odin call him his son. THOR I know. We’ve come to take you home. ODIN Home, yes. Your mother, she calls me. Do you hear it? Thor fires a look at Loki, who holds up his hands in defense. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 21. THOR Loki, lift your magic. Odin turns to Loki, who stiffens. But Odin smiles. ODIN Took me quite a while to break free from your spell. Frigga would have been proud. Loki is moved by this gesture. He looks over to see Thor staring at him, anger building. Odin puts a hand on Thor’s shoulder, calming him. ODIN (CONT’D) Come and sit with me. I don’t have much time. Odin sits, out of breath, weak. His sons sit beside him. THOR I know that we failed you, but we can make this right. ODIN I failed you. (beat) It is upon us...Ragnarok. THOR No, I’ve stopped Ragnarok. I put an end to Surtur. ODIN No. It has already begun. She’s coming. My life was all that held her back, but my time has come. I cannot keep her away any longer. THOR Father, who are you talking about? ODIN The Goddess of Death. Hela. My first born. (faces Thor) Your sister. That hits Thor hard. Loki can’t believe what he’s hearing. THOR ...what? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 22. ODIN Her violent appetites grew beyond my control. I couldn’t stop her, so I imprisoned her. Locked her away. She draws her strength from Asgard...and once she gets there, her powers will be limitless. THOR Whatever she is, we can stop her. We can face her together. ODIN (takes Thor’s hand) No we won’t. I’m on a different path now. This you must face alone. Odin looks into Thor’s eyes, struggling to breathe. ODIN (CONT’D) I love you my sons. For the briefest of instances, father and sons share a quiet moment together. Tears well in Thor’s eyes. ODIN (CONT’D) Look at that. Ethereal sun-rays stream down upon the ocean. ODIN (CONT’D) Remember this place. Home. A warm glow washes over Thor’s face and he turns to see that- -ODIN IS DISSIPATING INTO STARDUST. THE ALLFATHER HAS DIED. A moment as the brothers separately mourn for Odin. The sky above DARKENS and THE WIND PICKS UP. Thor stands and turns toward Loki, his eyes burning with rage. Loki takes a step back. LOKI Brother. Thor faces Loki. Electricity CRACKLES at Thor’s hands. THOR This was your doing. CRACK! Behind them a black portal SPLITS OPEN! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 23. Thor SLAMS DOWN his umbrella, transforming into his Asgardian armor (with Mjolnir). Loki changes into his armor as well. A piercing scream cuts the air as a figure is hurtled out of the portal, crashing out of this dimensional rift is HELA. Hela takes a second to consider her surroundings. Then: HELA So he’s gone? (beat) That’s a shame. I would’ve liked to have seen that. A tense moment as they stare each other down. THOR You must be Hela. I’m Thor, son of Odin. HELA Really, you don’t look like him. LOKI Perhaps we can reach an arrangement. HELA You sound like him. Loki shifts nervously. Thor’s grip tightens on Mjolnir. HELA (CONT’D) Kneel. LOKI Beg your pardon? Hela MANIFESTS a pitch black blade. HELA Kneel...before your Queen. THOR I don’t think so. Thor winds up and HURLS Mjolnir at Hela... - THUD - the mighty hammer comes to a cold stop, against Hela’s hand. Thor is shocked. He stretches out his hands, trying to call Mjolnir back to him. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 24. The hammer trembles in Hela’s hand, like a mini game of tug-o- war. But ultimately Hela keeps possession. THOR (CONT’D) It’s not possible. HELA Darling, you have no idea what’s possible. HELA SHATTERS THOR’S HAMMER. The blast of Mjolnir’s destruction sends a wave of energy through Thor and Loki who brace themselves against the impact. Thor is stupefied. In shock. He looks up to see Hela is running her hands back over her head to create the terrifying battle headdress. Loki’s reaction is more panic. He stands and calls up: LOKI Bring us back! THOR No!! Hela CHARGES Thor and Loki as- -WHOOSH! The Bi-Frost envelopes all of them. INT. BI-FROST - CONTINUOUS 22 22 Thor and Loki ZOOM UPWARDS, held inside this celestial beam warping them towards Asgard. Loki and Thor look down to see... Hela is in the Bi-Frost, behind them and CATCHING UP. Loki turns and throws TWO DAGGERS at her. They find their mark, stalling her for a second. But she PLOWS RIGHT THROUGH Loki, KNOCKING HIM OUT OF THE BI-FROST. Gone in an instant. THOR Loki! Hela projects a jet black grappling hook and GRABS HOLD of Thor. Drawing him to her, preparing to finish him off. Thor pulls up his legs, and KICKS Hela with both feet. This effectively dislodges him from her grasp but also... ...KNOCKS THOR OUT OF THE BI-FROST! Now both he and Loki are gone. If they aren’t dead, then God knows where they went. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 25. INT. THE OBSERVATORY - CONTINUOUS 23 23 VOLSTAGG has a grip on Heimdall’s sword, manning Bi-Frost’s controls. Behind him FANDRAL is overseeing Skurge, who is mopping up the dragon guts. BOOM! Hela emerges with thunderous impact. Fandral and Volstagg draw their weapons, preparing to engage. VOLSTAGG Who are you!? What have you done with Thor? Hela fires TWO BLACK DAGGERS, each one dropping its target to the ground. Hela then walks forward and- HELA I’m Hela. -BRUTALLY KILLS FANDRAL AND VOLSTAGG! Hela sees Skurge. Approaches calmly, a vision of death. With Hela only a few feet from him, Skurge cowers. Pause. SKURGE I’m just a janitor. Skurge ever-so-slightly peers up at her. HELA You look like a smart boy with good survival instincts. How would you like a job? Hela looks out upon Asgard as Skurge rises behind her. EXT. ASGARD - THE MOUNTAINS - SAME 24 24 A mysterious HOODED FIGURE watches Hela’s arrival at the Observatory and begins a steady descent towards the city. EXT. SAKAAR - THE WASTELAND SHORE - DAY 25 25 [SUPER WIDE] A sky full of WORMHOLES. Thor, only a spec at this distance, SHOOTS out of one of these wormholes. He HITS the surface, causing a CLOUD of dust. Find Thor on his back surrounded by strange colorful space wreckage. Looking up, Thor sees a large metal object falling from a different wormhole! He rolls out of the way. THUD! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 26. Thor runs up a dune to get away from the shower of debris. Thor reaches the top of the dune and finds himself looking down on A BEACH in a strange WASTELAND. Camera scans a filthy dune littered with SPACE JUNK. Out across the OCEAN he notices A NIGHTMARE WORMHOLE - a giant open cylinder of whirling smoke and lightning storms. A loud noise draws Thor’s attention to a HUGE RECTANGULAR “SCRAPPER” SHIP hauling a crashed SPACE VESSEL out of the water. Beneath the ship are various SCRAPPERS, masked humanoids. The ship is BLASTING WEIRD ALIEN MUSIC. A Scrapper notices Thor, then signals to his crew. LEAD SCRAPPER Are you a fighter or are you food? THOR I’m just passing through. LEAD SCRAPPER It is food. On your knees. Thor reaches out to summon Mjolnir. A reflex. Nothing. The LEAD SCRAPPER levels a MAGNO-RIFLE at Thor and WHAP! A solid metal projectile KNOCKS Thor flat on his back. More Scrappers attack, throwing nets and firing more projectiles. Thor tries to swat them away but they keep coming. The rest of the scrappers move in with iron bats and clubs. WHOOSH! A second ship arrives, landing nearby. It’s cool, [sleek, and dangerous, deserving of its name] WARSONG. It is also BLASTING DIFFERENT WEIRD ALIEN MUSIC. The FRONT of Warsong FLIPS OPEN and a GANGPLANK extends down to the ground. The scrappers stop and stare as we TRACK IN to a HERO REVEAL of SCRAPPER #142 (S142 for short) - a beautiful and ruthless asskicker. S142 lifts a half-empty bottle to her lips and CHUGS it. She finishes the bottle and smashes it on the side of her ship. SCRAPPER #142 He’s MINE. She walks down the gangplank... before veering off course and FALLING straight off into a pile of TRASH. She’s PLASTERED. The Scrappers shrug and start hauling Thor away. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 27. SCRAPPER #142 (CONT’D) Wait! S142 staggers to her feet, takes a deep breath. She holds on to a piece of junk as support - some dead beast. Thor continues to struggle with his captors, tangled in nets. SCRAPPER #142 (CONT’D) Wait! He’s mine. So if you want him, you go through me. The Scrappers start brandishing their weapons. SCRAPPER But we’ve already got him. S142 CLANGS her metal gauntlets together which activate. SCRAPPER #142 Alright then I guess I go through you. LEAD SCRAPPER More food. She holds out her fists as if she’s operating machinery... ...Warsong WHIRS to life. S142 clenches her fists and we hear a horrible SCREECHING NOISE as Warsong OPENS FIRE. She sweeps her arms out in an arc, the spray of gunfire lasting THREE SECONDS. She bangs her fists again, sending the ship into IDLE MODE. The Scrappers are now little more than tiny pieces of litter covering the beach. Thor is fixated on this beautiful murderer approaching. One final HUGE Scrapper comes at her with a bat. S142 casually GRABS this Scrapper and HURLS him up into the air behind her. THOR Thank you. From her belt S142 FLICKS a small glowing disc which LODGES into Thor’s NECK. Far in the background, the Scrapper she threw finally HITS the ground with a loud THUD. She holds up a fob device and presses the button - the disc blinks and Thor is filled with the pain of a thousand screaming squirrels. He hits the ground, stunned. S142 DRAGS Thor towards her ship. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 28. INT. WARSONG SHIP - DAY 30 30 Thor’s face SMUSHED up against glass. His eyes are open. Thor’s POV - THE CAPITAL - an eclectic city composed of salvaged items from all over the universe. Thor is lying in a sort of small GLASS HOLDING CELL beneath Warsong’s COCKPIT. He looks up to see S142 piloting the ship. Thor’s eyes lock in on her belt, specifically the fob device she used to activate the Obedience Disk/debilitate him. SCRAPPER #142 This is Scrapper 142. I need clearance and an audience with the boss. I’ve got something special. THOR Hey! Where are you taking me? S142 ignores him, takes a swig from the bottle, and then nonchalantly UNCLIPS the fob from her belt. THOR (CONT’D) Answer me! Hey! I am Thor, son of Odin. I need to get back to Asgard. SCRAPPER #142 Many apologies, your majesty. S142 ZAPS him and guides her ship towards a COLOSSAL TOWER. EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF ASGARD - DAY 26 26 [CLOSE ON] Hela, headdress retracted, hair down, her beautiful face fully visible. We do not see who she is talking to. HELA It’s come to my attention that you don’t know who I am. REVEAL THE ARMIES OF ASGARD FACING DOWN HELA. Standing in front is HOGUN, sword and shield out. HELA (CONT’D) I am Hela, Odin’s first born, Commander of the legions of Asgard, the rightful heir to the throne, and the Goddess of Death. (pause for effect) (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 29. My father is dead. As are the princes. You’re welcome. (then:) We were once the seat of absolute power in the Cosmos. Our supremacy was unchallenged, yet Odin stopped at Nine Realms. Our destiny is to rule over all others. And I am here to restore that power. Kneel before me...and rise into the ranks of my great conquest. THE E-GUARDS GET INTO ATTACK FORMATION. HOGUN Whoever you are... whatever you’ve done, surrender now! Or we will show you know mercy. HELA Whoever I am? Did you listen to a word I said? HOGUN This is your last warning! HELA I thought you’d be happy to see me. Hela forms her headdress. HELA (CONT’D) Fine. The Asgardian archers LOOSE DOZENS OF ARROWS, but- -Hela advances confidently, DESTROYS the SHIPS and SOARS INTO THE EINHERJAR! In a symphony of spectacular terror, Hela proceeds to DECIMATE the entire regiment. A tornado of carnage, a legendary massacre. EXT. BELOW THE RAINBOW BRIDGE - SAME 27 27 While Hela slaughters up above, we tilt up from a boat, moored at the base of the Observatory, to see the mysterious figure from earlier is now SCALING the rocks towards the top. INT. THE OBSERVATORY - CONTINUOUS 28 28 Now silhouetted in the entrance way, the figure scans the Observatory. His gaze falls on- HELA (CONT’D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 30. -Bi-Frost’s controls. Specifically Heimdall’s sword. EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF ASGARD - CONTINUOUS 29 29 It’s eerily quiet. CLOSE on Hela scanning the battlefield. 100+ slain Einherjar at her feet. ANGLE on Skurge as he steps forward - awe, admiration, fear. HELA Oh, I’ve missed this. Still, it’s a shame. Good soldiers dying for nothing...all because they couldn’t see the future. Sad. (then she sees:) Oh! Look, still alive. Reveal Hogun, severely injured but staggering to his feet, resilient. HELA (CONT’D) Change of heart? Hogun draws a dagger as a last ditch attack. HOGUN Go back to whatever cave you crept out of you evil demoness! Hela IMPALES Hogun on a spike. She turns to Skurge. HELA Let’s go see my palace. Skurge stares at Hogun before following Hela towards the palace. OMITTED 31 31 INT. DARK TUNNEL - DAY A32 A32 THOR, strapped to the chair, suddenly finds himself slowly moving forward. After a beat- -the walls LIGHT UP and a SOOTHING VOICE speaks to him. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) Fear not, for you are found. You are home, and there is no going back. No one leaves this place. Thor STRUGGLES against his restraints. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 31. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) But what is this place? The answer in Sakaar. The tunnel walls show images of Sakaar’s place in the Cosmos. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) Surrounded by cosmic gateways, Sakaar lives on the edge of the known and unknown. Images of the wormholes that cover Sakaar’s atmosphere. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) It is the collection point for all lost and unloved things. Like you. But here on Sakaar, you are significant. You are valuable. Here, you are loved. THOR What...the hell? SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) And no one loves you more than the Grandmaster. Images of the Grandmaster, in silhouette, arriving on Sakaar. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) He is the original. The first lost, and the first found. The creator of Sakaar and the father of the Contest of Champions. Images of the arena where aliens battle to the death. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) Where once you were nothing, now you are something. You are the property of the Grandmaster. (then:) Congratulations! You will meet the Grandmaster in five seconds. Images around the tunnel begin speeding up. Chaos, violence, and confusion mixed in with Grandmaster’s face. Thor, already bewildered, looks on the verge of panic. SOOTHING VOICE (V.O.) Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. You are now meeting the Grandmaster. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 32. Thor SCREAMS! INT. GRANDMASTER’S CHAMBERS - CONTINUOUS 32 32 Suddenly Thor is somewhere else, surrounded weirdos and insanely dressed palace guards. His scream dies down self-consciously. A musical beat PLAYS in the background. THE GRANDMASTER, a tall mysterious man in golden robes. He is looking right at us. He doesn’t know what to make of us. He’s curious, thrilled, revolted, and titillated. Pulling back we see TOPAZ, his trusty guard, at his side. Two GOLDEN LADIES loiter off to the side. Other strange guests can be seen in the background. Grandmaster just stares. S142 stands beside Grandmaster. Finally: GRANDMASTER He’s wonderful. (then:) It is a he? Reveal S142 standing beside Thor. SCRAPPER #142 It’s a he. GRANDMASTER Yeah. I love when you come to visit 142, you bring me the best stuff. (to Topaz:) Whenever we get to talking, Topaz, about Scrapper 142...what do I always say? “She is the...” and it starts with a B. TOPAZ Trash. GRANDMASTER No, not trash. Were you waiting just to call her that? It doesn’t start with a “B.” TOPAZ Booze hag. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 33. GRANDMASTER I’m so sorry. No, “best.” I was thinking about “best.” (to S142:) Because I always say you’re the best. She brought me my precious beloved Champion, you know. TOPAZ You say that every time she’s here. GRANDMASTER What have you brought today? Tell me. SCRAPPER #142 A contender. THOR A what? GRANDMASTER I need to go closer. I want a closer look at this. Can you take us closer? Thank you. Grandmaster advances on Thor. Examining him closely and strangely. Then: GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) Pay this lady. THOR Just wait a damn minute. I’m not for sale. Using all his might, Thor breaks out of his shackles, but- -S142 ZAPS him again. Paralyzed by superheated veins. GRANDMASTER Man. He is a fighter. SCRAPPER #142 I’d take 10 million. TOPAZ Tell her she’s dreaming. GRANDMASTER For heaven’s sake, transfer the units. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 34. Topaz transfers S142 the units. Without sympathy or ceremony, S142 exits. THOR You’ll pay for this! SCRAPPER #142 No, I got paid for this. Thor claws at the obedience disk, trying to RIP IT OUT. He gets some separation from his skin, but the disk is causing him even more pain. Thor eventually has to let go. Grandmaster holds up HIS OWN fob device and uses it like a wand to guide Thor’s HOVER CHAIR, which follows Grandmaster around as he speaks. GRANDMASTER Here’s what I wanna know. Who are you? THOR I am the God of THUNDER!!! Thor THRUSTS his arms into the air but only a tiny bit of static electricity POPS within Thor’s hands. GRANDMASTER Wow. I didn’t hear any thunder, but out of your fingers, was that like...sparkles? TOPAZ We located your cousin. GRANDMASTER Oh good! (to Thor:) Yeah, come on. I think you’re gonna like this. Grandmaster moves Thor’s chair to another section where- -COUSIN CARLO is waiting. He’s strapped to a chair like Thor, and he is terrified. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) There he is. Hey, cuz. We almost couldn’t find you. What, have you been hiding? Cousin Carlo looks at Thor, cowering in fear. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 35. THOR Hi. Carlo only further weeps. GRANDMASTER So... COUSIN CARLO Please. I’m sorry. GRANDMASTER Carlo... I pardon you. COUSIN CARLO Thank you. Thank you. GRANDMASTER You’re officially pardoned...from life. Grandmaster casually takes Topaz’s Sakaarian Guard staff and JABS it into his cousin’s mid-section- -CAUSING ALL OF HIS FLESH TO MELT OFF HIS SKELETON! Carlo SHRIEKS IN PAIN before his vocal cords melt. Thor looks on, in shock. THOR Oh, my god! Liquid Carlo spreads towards Grandmaster. GRANDMASTER I’m stepping in it. I’m stepping in it. Look out! THOR (repulsed) Oh, the smell. GRANDMASTER What does it smell like? TOPAZ Burnt toast. GRANDMASTER What happened to my manners? I haven’t properly introduced myself. Come on. Follow me. Grandmaster gives Topaz back her staff. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 36. Grandmaster and Thor arrive at a space where A GROUP OF MUSICIANS PLAY STRANGE INSTRUMENTS (the source of the music thus far). Grandmaster joins them, still speaking to Thor. Grandmaster begins PLAYING a strange piano-like contraption, riffing a melody over the existing music. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) My name is Grandmaster. I preside over a little harlequinade called the Contest of Champions. People come from far and wide to unwillingly participate in it. And you, my friend, might just be part of the new cast. What do you say to that? THOR We’re not friends, and I don’t give a shit about your games! I’m going back to Asgard! GRANDMASTER (amused) Ass-gard? (then:) One, two, three, four. Grandmaster really gets into his PLAYING. Grandmaster’s guards and VIP guests start MOVING TO THE MUSIC. Thor takes a moment to look around at this bizarre spectacle unfolding around him. In doing so, he zeroes in on one particular group of VIPS, specifically... ...LOKI! He’s lounging and dressed in Sakaarian garb. LOKI There was a wormhole in space and time beneath me. At that moment, I let go. THOR Loki!? Loki! Over here! Loki notices Thor. Blanches a little. Sidles closer so as to speak to Thor without looking like he’s speaking to Thor. LOKI Excuse me one second. THOR Loki! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 37. Loki hustles over to Thor, SHUSHING him. LOKI What? You’re alive? THOR Yes, of course I’m alive. LOKI What are you doing here? THOR What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m stuck in this stupid chair. Where’s your chair? LOKI I didn’t get a chair. THOR Get me out of this one. LOKI I can’t. THOR What? LOKI I’ve made friends with this man. He’s called the Grandmaster. THOR Oh, he’s crazy! LOKI I’ve gained his favor.. The Bi- Frost brought me out here weeks ago. THOR Weeks ago? I just got here. Suddenly Grandmaster is right next to them. GRANDMASTER What are you whispering about? Both Thor and Loki react, startled. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) Time works real different around these parts. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 38. On any other world, I’d be like, millions of years old. But here on Sakaar... Grandmaster beholds himself. Then turns to Loki. A truly uncomfortable silence. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) In any case, you know this... You call yourself Lord of Thunder? THOR God of Thunder. Tell him. LOKI I’ve never met this man in my life. THOR He’s my brother. LOKI Adopted. GRANDMASTER Is he any kind of a fighter? Loki shrugs, gives the universal gesture for “so-so.” THOR You take this thing out of my neck and I’ll show you. GRANDMASTER Now listen to that. He’s threatening me. Hey, Sparkles, here’s the deal. If you wanna get back to Ass-place, Assberg... THOR Asgard. GRANDMASTER Any contender who defeats my champion, their freedom they shall win. THOR Fine. Then point me in the direction of whoever’s ass I have to kick. GRANDMASTER That’s what I call, contender! Direction would be this way, Lord. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 39. THOR Loki! Guards arrive. They haul Thor up and escort him out. OMITTED 33 33 INT. THE ARENA - GLADIATOR CELLS - NIGHT 34 34 Thor is shoved into a spacious cell where other alien prisoners are lurking in the back. The thick cell door SLAMS SHUT behind Thor. Thor gets up and immediately begins THROWING his shoulder into the door. The door doesn’t budge, not even a little. Behind him, KORG, a hulking Kronan rock alien, speaks up. KORG Hey! Take it easy man! (Thor looks back) Over here. The pile of rocks waving at you. Yeah I’m actually a thing, I’m a being. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Korg. I’m kind of like the leader in here. I’m made of rocks, as you can see, but don’t let that intimidate you. You don’t need to be afraid unless you’re made of scissors. (GIGGLES to himself) Just a little rock-paper-scissor joke for you. This is my very good friend over here, Miek. He’s an insect and has knives for hands. MIEK, a slug alien inside a robot exoskeleton, says hello by doing some karate moves. THOR You’re a Kronan, aren’t you? KORG That I am. THOR How’d you end up in here? KORG Well, I tried to start a revolution but didn’t print enough pamphlets, so hardly anyone turned up. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 40. Except for my mom and her boyfriiend, who I hate. As punishment, I was forced to be in here and become a gladiator. Bit of a promotional disaster. (secretive) But I’m actually organizing another revolution. I don’t know if you’d be interested in something like that. Do you reckon you’d be interested? Thor tries to run ahead down the circle and loops back around behind Korg. THOR How did you... KORG Yeah, no. This whole thing is a circle. But not a real circle, more like a freaky circle. THOR This doesn’t make any sense. KORG No, nothing makes sense here. The only thing that does make sense, is that nothing makes sense. THOR Has anyone here fought the Grandmaster’s Champion? KORG Doug has. Doug! (realizes) Oh, right, Doug’s dead. That’s right. Everyone who fights the Grandmaster’s champion perishes. THOR What about you? You’re made of rocks. KORG Perishable rocks. (a pebble FALLS OFF) There you go. Another one gone. Yeah, no, I just do the smaller fights, warm up the crowd and whatnot. Wait. You’re not gonna face him, are you? KORG (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 41. THOR Yes I am. Fight him, win, and get the hell out of this place. KORG That’s exactly what Doug used to say. See you later, new Doug. Korg walks away and approaches Miek. EXT. ASGARD - STREETS - SUNSET A35 A35 The streets of Asgard are cold and silent, save for the occasional distant sounds and screams of a city under siege. OMITTED 35 35 INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS A36 A36 Moving down the throne room corridor we see- -SEVERAL DEAD EINHERJAR GUARDS. One guy is still alive, desperately trying to crawl away. SHLNK! A black blade finishes him off. Reveal HELA and SKURGE looking down at the carnage. Hela directs her attention to FRESCOS ON THE CEILING. Like the Sistine Chapel, except these depict Asgard’s shining influence on the Nine Realms. Bountiful harvests, shepherds with full flocks, common folk throwing parades for Asgard’s army, etc. HELA Does no one remember me? (awaiting an answer) Has no one been taught our history? Look at these lies. Goblets and garden parties? Peace treaties? Hela leads them towards the throne. HELA (CONT’D) Odin... proud to have it... ashamed of how he got it. Hela FIRES SPIKES into the ceiling, RIPPING DOWN plaster. Beneath the surface are older Frescos. These ones are far more dark and sinister. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 42. Soldiers in battle. Blood. A giant war wolf. Young Odin and young Hela. Slaves building the palace. Skurge is at least somewhat disturbed by this. HELA (CONT’D) We were unstoppable. I was his weapon in the conquest that built Asgard’s empire. One by one, the realms became ours. Hela turns from the murals to address Skurge. HELA (CONT’D) But then, simply because my ambition outgrew his...he banished me, caged me, locked me away like an animal. Before that, Asgard’s warriors were honored, their bodies buried as heroes beneath this very place. Hela beckons Skurge to follow her. INT. ODIN’S VAULT - CONTINUOUS B36 B36 Hela enters the vault and descends the stairs towards the magical items. SKURGE Odin’s treasures. SKURGE follows her. Hela walks towards the Infinity Gauntlet. HELA Fake. Hela KNOCKS the gauntlet off its pedestal. HELA (CONT’D) Most of the stuff in here is fake. [Next] The Casket of Ancient Winter. HELA (CONT’D) Or weak. [Next] Surtur’s skull. HELA (CONT’D) Smaller than I thought it would be. [Next] The Tesseract. She hesitates: BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 43. HELA (CONT’D) That’s not bad? (notices:) But this... The Eternal Flame. THE ETERNAL FLAME flickers in its chalice. Hela DIGS HER HAND INTO THE ETERNAL FLAME. She pulls her hand out now cupping GREEN FIRE, like a torch. Hela approaches a large circular RUNE ETCHING on the floor. Hela manifests a huge CLAW HAMMER. She SMASHES THROUGH THE RUNES ON THE FLOOR, creating a gaping chasm. She looks at Skurge. HELA (CONT’D) Want to see what true power looks like? Hela looks down into the darkness below. With her hand aflame, Hela JUMPS down into the chasm! INT. HIDDEN ASGARDIAN CATACOMBS - DAY C36 C36 Hela LANDS like a bad ass. Dust settles. The light of Hela’s hand torch reveals a stone crypt. An ornate burial place for the heroes of Old Asgard. We can see countless rotted skeletons in badass ancient Asgardian armor. Hela’s regiment. Among them, A MASSIVE WOLF’S SKELETON. TERRIFYING AND MONSTROUS, COLOSSAL CHAINS AROUND THE BONES OF ITS PAWS. FENRIS. Hela approaches Fenris’ skeleton. HELA Fenris. My darling, what have they done to you? She lifts her flaming hand above her head. She slams her hand into the ground. HELA (CONT’D) With the Eternal Flame, you are reborn! The fire spreads out, covering Fenris and Hela’s old army. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 44. As the fire covers the skeletons, they SHUDDER TO LIFE. HELA (CONT’D) I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you all. HELA’S BUTCHERS, rise up before their commander. [ABOVE] Skurge looks down, worried. [BELOW] A sinister light returns to Fenris’s eyes as he stands proudly before his master, allowing her to pet the fur of his terrifying face. INT. THE ARENA - GLADIATOR CELLS - NIGHT C36A C36A Thor sits against the wall. Quietly praying. THOR Odin, I bid you take your place in the halls of Valhalla... (then:) Where the brave shall live forever. Nor shall we mourn but rejoice- THOR (CONT’D) -for those that have died the glorious death. LOKI (O.S.) -for those that have died the glorious death. Reveal Loki standing across the cell. Thor gives him a hard look. LOKI (CONT’D) It hurts, doesn’t it? Being lied to. Being told you’re one thing and then learning it’s all a fiction. Thor picks up some stones that have fallen from Korg’s leg and casually starts throwing them through Loki’s illusion. LOKI (CONT’D) You didn’t think I’d really come and see you, did you? This place is disgusting. Thor throws another stone through Loki. LOKI (CONT’D) Does this mean you don’t want my help? Thor throws another stone through Loki. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 45. LOKI (CONT’D) Look, I couldn’t jeopardize my position with Grandmaster, it took me time to win his trust. He’s a lunatic, but he can be amenable. Thor throws another stone through Loki. Disinterested. LOKI (CONT’D) What I’m telling you is, you could join me at the Grandmaster’s side. Perhaps, in time, an accident befalls the Grandmaster, and then... [Loki gestures] “we take over.” Thor throws another stone through Loki. Bored. LOKI (CONT’D) You’re not seriously thinking of going back, are you? Our sister destroyed your hammer like a piece of glass. She’s stronger than both of us. She’s stronger than you. You don’t stand a chance. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Thor just scowls. LOKI (CONT’D) Fine. I guess I’ll just have to go it alone. Like I’ve always done. (Thor smirks) Would you say something? Now out of stones, Thor looks around the floor for more. LOKI (CONT’D) Say something! Thor finally looks right at Loki, speaks fast and curt: THOR What would you like me to say? You faked your own death, you stole the throne, stripped Odin of his power, stranded him on Earth... (on Loki:) -to die, releasing the Goddess of Death. (back to Thor:) (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 46. Have I said enough, or do you do you want me to go further back than the past two days? Loki’s eyes burn. Thor stares coldly at him. Loki tries to compose himself. LOKI You know, I haven’t seen this Beloved Champion he talks of, but I’ve heard he’s astonishingly savage. I’ve placed a large wager against you tomorrow. Don’t let me down. Loki SHIMMERS, and his illusion vanishes. Korg runs in to try to kick him. KORG Piss off, ghost! (then:) He’s freaking gone. INT. THE ARENA - RECEIVING AREA 40 40 Thor, Korg, and a gaggle of other prisoners/fighters have been led from their cells to a PRE-FIGHT HOLDING AREA. Korg and Thor are by the weapons rack. KORG Yuck! There’s Still someone’s hair and blood all over this. Guys, can you clean up the weapons once you finish your fight? Disgusting slobs. (then:) Thor...wanna use a big wooden fork? THOR No. KORG Yeah, not really useful unless you’re fighting off three vampires that were huddled together. THOR I really wish I had my hammer. KORG Hammer? THOR (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 47. THOR Quite unique. It was made from this special metal from the heart of a dying star. And when I spun it really, really fast it gave me the ability to fly. KORG You rode a hammer? THOR No, I didn’t ride the hammer. KORG The hammer rode you on your back? THOR No. I used to spin it really fast, and it would pull me off the... KORG Oh my God. The hammer pulled you off? THOR The ground. It would pull me off the ground, up into the air, and I would fly. Every time I threw it, it would always come back to me. KORG Sounds like you had a pretty special and intimate relationship wiht this hammer and that losing it was almost comparable to losing a loved one. THOR That’s a nice way of putting it. Thor spots S142 dealing at the bar. He’s once again eyeing the fob device clipped to her belt. Scowls. SCRAPPER #142 I said they’re mine. THOR See her, the one that put me in here. KORG Yeah, Scrapper 142. She’s strong. And she drinks a lot. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 48. Gotta watch out for those Asgardians, man. They are hard to perish. THOR Asgardian? Thor breaks away from the line and runs to S142. THOR (CONT’D) Hey! Hey! S142 holds up the fob. THOR (CONT’D) Do not zap me with that thing. I just wanna talk. Asgard is in danger. Thor then notices a series of PATTERNED SCARS, or BRANDS, on her forearms. It’s a moment of recognition and disbelief. THOR (CONT'D) My God, you’re a Valkyrie. I used to wanna be a Valkyrie when I was younger...until I found out that you were all women. There’s nothing wrong with women, of course. I love women. Sometimes a little too much. Not in a creepy way, just more of a respectful appreciation. I think it’s great that there is an elite force of women warriors. It’s about time. SCRAPPER #142 Are you done? WARDEN (O.S.) Lord of Thunder, you’re up. THOR Please, help me. I need your help. SCRAPPER #142 Bye. THOR Fine, then you must be a traitor or a coward because the Valkyrie are sworn to protect the throne. S142 finally turns her attention to Thor, intense. KORG (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 49. SCRAPPER #142 Listen closely, your majesty. This is Sakaar, not Asgard. And I’m a scrapper, not a Valkyrie. Guards swarm Thor, dragging him back WARDEN (O.S.) Bring him in for processing! VALKYRIE And no one escapes this place. So you’re gonna die anyway. Despite her denial, Thor has clearly hit a nerve. And from now on we will refer to Scrapper #142 as VALKYRIE. Valkyrie takes her booze and walks away. Thor is dragged away, passing Korg and the other prisoners. INT. PROCESSING ROOM - DAY 40A 40A Thor is strapped to a chair. Reveal a weird alien BARBER (Stan Lee cameo) holding up some rusty shears. STAN LEE Now, don’t you move. My hands ain’t as steady as they used to be. THOR By Odin’s beard, you shall not cut my hair... lest you feel the wrath of the might Thor. Barber activates a menacing CUTTING TOOL. Thor freaks out. THOR (CONT’D) Please. Please, kind sir, do not cut my hair! No! INT. THE ARENA - NIGHT 40B 40B Hundreds of thousands of spectators packed into the stadium seats. Dozens of starships are parked above the arena. Find THE GRANDMASTER’S LUXURY SUITE, a VIP box attached to the fighting area. The Golden Ladies are in attendance. Loki lounges in the suite, taking wagers on the fight card. Grandmaster walks out into the center of the arena. Suddenly- BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 50. -THE GRANDMASTER GROWS TO 60-FEET TALL! This enlarged projection of Grandmaster addresses the audience. GRANDMASTER Wow! Look at all of you. What a show, WHAT-A-NIGHT! Who’s having fun? Please, I’m your host. Big round of applause for all of our undercard competitors... who died so gruesomely. Good sports. What a show! What a night! This is what you’ve come for and so have I. (applause) And now, without further ado... it’s main event time!! (INSANE APPLAUSE) Making his first appearance, though he looks quite promising, got a couple of tricks up his sleeve. I’ll say no more, see what you think. Ladies and gentlemen... (LAUGHTER from the crowd) I give to you...Lord of Thunder! Enter Thor. Gladiator Thor. Shaved head, trimmed beard, minimalist armor, covered in weapons. Two swords on his back, giant mace in one hand, spiked shield in the other. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) Watch out for his fingers. They make sparks. Thor looks up at the throngs of SCREAMING FANS. And then... ...puts on his helmet. A badass gladiator variation of his classic winged helm. Thor is ready to rumble. [ABOVE] Find Valkyrie in her Warsong ship, parked amongst the other tailgaters. She POPS open a bottle of booze. Drinks. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) Okay, this is it. Let’s get ready to welcome this guy. Here he comes. He is a creature. What can we say about him? Well, he’s unique. There’s none like him. I feel a special connection with him. Suddenly the floor beneath Thor’s feet LOWERS. A slow, tension-building GRIND as he sees- -A DOOR across the arena. Bigger and bigger. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 51. The entire crowd is on its feet. Palpable anticipation. The spotlights change to bright stadium lights. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) He’s undefeated. HE’S THE REIGNING...HE’S THE DEFENDING... Ladies and gentlemen... I give you... KA-BOOM! EXPLODING through a door is the Champion... ...THE INCREDIBLE HULK! He wears an armored shoulder guard and a Spartan helmet. He carries a warhammer in one hand and a battleaxe in the other. Hulk POUNDS his chest and ROARS, further energizing an already frenzied crowd. Meanwhile, the sight of Hulk makes Thor’s arms drop to his sides along with his jaw dropping to the ground. And then- -Thor LAUGHS his ass off. Like, “that’s my buddy over there!” THOR Yes! [IN THE VIP BOX] Loki goes ghost white. Traumatic memories of being Hulk-smashed flood his brain. Gone is all his joy. LOKI I have to get off this planet. Loki tries to exit, but the Grandmaster stops him. GRANDMASTER Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? Grandmaster plops Loki down in the front row, right against the glass. Loki casually tries to hide his face in his hand. IN THE ARENA: THOR Hey! We know each other. He’s a friend from work. (to Hulk:) Where have you been? Everybody thought you were dead. So much has happened since I last saw you. I lost my hammer. Like, yesterday, so that’s still pretty fresh. (then:) Loki! Loki’s alive. Can you believe it? He’s up there. (waves to Loki:) Loki! Look who it is! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 52. Loki is petrified. THOR (CONT’D) Banner, I never thought I would say this, but I’m happy to see you. [IN THE ARENA] Hulk is still eyeballing Thor while the capacity crowd CHANTS insanely for “HULK! HULK! HULK!” THOR (CONT’D) Banner. Hey, Banner! Hulk’s face grimaces and contorts, suppressing puny Banner. HULK NO BANNER! ONLY HULK! Hulk CHARGES at Thor. Insanely fast. THOR What are you doing? It’s me. Thor DODGES the first few attacks, but then Hulk SHATTERS his shield and sends Thor FLYING. Thor draws a sword and STABS it into the ground to slow his momentum. Draws the other sword and faces off against Hulk. THOR (CONT’D) Banner, we’re friends. This is crazy. I don’t want to hurt you! They engage again. Hulk KICKS Thor, sending him SLAMMING into the wall. GRANDMASTER Here we go. Thor jumps down just in time to avoid Hulk’s warhammer, which HITS so hard that it remains lodged in the wall. With Hulk charging again, Thor RIPS the warhammer out of the wall and WALLOPS Hulk with it. Hulk goes CRASHING alongside the arena. He ends up sprawled out in a pile of rubble, slightly dazed. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) What? [ABOVE] Val is watching through a set of high-tech binoculars. She reacts to Thor, reluctantly impressed. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 53. Thor advances on Hulk with all the swagger. He takes off his helmet and CALLS OUT to Hulk, provoking him. THOR Hey, big guy. The sun’s getting real low. Hulk takes off his helmet. Scowling. Teeth GRINDING. THOR (CONT’D) That’s it. The sun’s going down. I won’t hurt you anymore. No one will. WHOOSH! Thor is suddenly dragged out of frame. Hulk has Thor by the leg and is WHIPPING him against the arena floor. Over and over and over again. [IN THE VIP BOX] Loki’s whole mood shifts. The joy returns to his face, like “everything will be alright!” Loki LAUGHS. LOKI Yes! That’s how it feels! (to Grandmaster:) I’m just a huge fan of the sport. Thor is SMASHED into the floor face first. Hulk ROARS and RUSHES Thor with his axe. THOR All right. Screw it. CLANG! The giant weapons CLASH! Now Thor and Hulk are fighting warhammer versus battleaxe... ...and Thor is winning! He’s getting the better of these exchanges, using Hulk’s aggression against him. Thor continually KNOCKS and/or TRIPS Hulk off his feet while evading all of Hulk’s best attacks. THOR (CONT’D) I know you’re in there, Banner. I’ll get you out! One particular vicious blow DISARMS Hulk, and Thor BREAKS Hulk’s axe with the warhammer. Thor then BASHES Hulk in the chest, KNOCKING him to the ground. THOR (CONT’D) What’s the matter with you? You’re embarrassing me! I told them we were friends! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 54. GROWLING, Hulk stands up and HITS Thor with a straight jab that sends Thor TUMBLING across the arena. Hulk immediately LEAPS after him and LANDS ON Thor! Hulk is now on top of Thor as they slide across the arena, just PUMMELING him with punches. Left-right-left-right. Thor’s head snaps back and forth. In the carnage, Thor sees VISIONS OF ODIN. Then- -his eyes GLOW WHITE WITH ELECTRICITY. Like an instinctual defense mechanism, Thor suddenly KNOCKS HULK BACK WITH A BURST OF LIGHTNING! Seething with electricity, Thor springs to his feet and then BLASTS HULK WITH A MASSIVE LIGHTNING PUNCH! Hulk is LAUNCHED BACKWARDS and Thor hits the ground HARD. CROWD Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! KORG Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! The crowd gets hushed. They’ve never seen this before. [IN THE VIP BOX] Grandmaster is pissed. Loki is amazed. Hulk and Thor stagger to their feet. Thor looks at himself, a little surprised. There are still small charges of lightning CRACKLING through his veins. Meanwhile, Hulk RUMBLES towards Thor and they’re at it again, close-quarters boxing. Thor is winning the exchanges, landing BRUTAL PUNCHES to Hulk’s body. And then suddenly- -BZZZ! The Grandmaster ZAPS him with the Obedience Disk fob! Thor drops, totally caught off guard! Hulk plants his feet and JUMPS! He ZOOMS UP, rocketing out of the arena, up-up-up into the sky! At the apex of his jump Hulk clenches his fist and begins a missile-like descent. Val sees this from her ship and decides to take off, like “This fight is over, time to beat traffic.” KORG (CONT’D) Another day, another Doug. Down below, Thor groggily turns over. He does so just in time to see Hulk coming at him like an atom bomb! No time to avoid it. KA-BOOM!!! Right before impact Thor’s eyes go lightning white. Hulk HITS Thor like a meteor. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 55. The impact knocks Thor unconscious and we CUT TO BLACK. Linger on darkness for a few beats...and then: INT. THRONE ROOM - SUNSET 36 36 Hela sits on the throne trying to get comfortable, headdress & cowl off. Skurge stands at the foot of the throne. HELA What is that noise? SKURGE The common folk aren’t exactly falling in line. There’s a resistance trying to knock down the front gates. Hela sends her BUTCHER TROOPS to deal with it. HELA Tell me about yourself, Skurge. SKURGE Well, me dad was a stonemason, me mum was- HELA (interrupts) I’ll just stop you there. What I meant was what is your ambition? SKURGE I just want a chance to prove myself. HELA Recognition. (then:) When I was young every great King had an executioner. Not just to execute people, but also to execute their vision. But mainly to execute people. Still a great honor. (beat) I was Odin’s executioner. Hela holds out her hand and uses her powers to FORM A DOUBLE- SIDED OBSIDIAN AXE, which she offers to Skurge. HELA (CONT’D) And you will be my executioner. Let’s begin our conquest. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 56. OMITTED 37 37 OMITTED 41 41 OMITTED 42 42 EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 44 44 Hela and Skurge arrive at the Observatory, army in tow. HELA Skurge, where’s the sword? Reveal that the Bi-Frost sword is missing. HELA (CONT’D) That sword is the key to opening the Bi-Frost. Hela thinks, seething. HELA (CONT’D) These people you mentioned, the ones who aren’t falling into line. Round them up. OMITTED 45 45 OMITTED AA46 AA46 OMITTED AB46 AB46 EXT. ASGARD - MOUNTAIN CREEK - DAY 46 46 OMITTED A46 A46 SPLASH! Boots running across the shallow water. We meet a family of refugees from the city. FATHER, MOTHER, SON (14), and young daughter (8). They’re RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES. Hot on their heels are a pair of Hela’s sinister Butchers, hunting like a pack of wolves. After scrambling through a grove of trees the family make their way through a narrow pass. The Butchers are hot on their heels, their growls getting louder behind them when - BAM! The son runs right into a tall, immovable object... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 57. HEIMDALL! No regal armor, no golden helm. This Heimdall has a thick beard and is wrapped in a cloak. The rest of the family arrive, desperation. HEIMDALL Excuse me. In one swift motion Heimdall draws the BI-FROST SWORD, steps forward and SLASHES through the Butchers, ending them. He then turns to the family, gestures for them to follow him. HEIMDALL (CONT’D) Sorry about that. These bloody things are everywhere. Come on. OMITTED 47 47 EXT. ASGARD - MOUNTAIN RAVINE - DAY 48 48 Heimdall approaches the steep face of the mountain. Carved into the rock is YGGDRASIL, the world tree. Heimdall kneels, whispers a few words under his breath, and... A HUGE SECTION OF THE MOUNTAIN FACE VANISHES IN A SHIMMERING ILLUSION! INT. STRONGHOLD - DAY 49 49 It’s busy with activity - hundreds of Asgardians who fled the city after Hela’s invasion are living here. Men, women, and children. Strong and weak, young and old. Heimdall turns to the family, even manages a smile. HEIMDALL You’ll be safe here. They enter the stronghold. As the doors SHUT we go to- OMITTED 50 50 OMITTED A51 A51 INT. HULK’S WARRIOR SUITE - DAY 51 51 Thor’s eyes POP OPEN. He’s lying in a heap on the ground, still dirty, bruised, and beat up. Thor is being tended to by TWO SAKAARIAN GLADIATOR NURSES who are swabbing his wounds. This freaks him out, which results in startled thrashing. That freaks out the two Gladiator nurses, which results in them RUNNING AWAY. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 58. Thor starts to get up, but then winces. He moves slowly. He’s in a GIANT ROOM with stark graphic patterns on the walls. With a few achy grimaces, Thor stands up and wanders around. There’s furniture, large cushions, and a sleeping area enclosed by the SKULL of a giant beast. NOISE behind him. Thor follows the noise to find- Hulk having eased himself into a large steaming JACUZZI. Thor looks at him quizzically. Hulk isn’t angry. He’s RELAXED, but he’s not turning into Banner. THOR Are we cool? Hulk grunts. I guess so. THOR (CONT’D) It’s Hulk in a hot tub. (then:) How long have you been like that? HULK Like what? THOR Like this. Big, green, ...stupid. HULK Hulk always Hulk. Thor takes this in, and then walks over to a window that [looks out across the city. Does some spatial math, realizes] Thor looks back out the window. He sees a ramshackle SPACESHIP taking off and ROCKETING skyward. Higher and higher, it’s going for a wormhole when- -BOOM! One of Grandmaster’s Palace Patrol ships, more modern and heavy duty, BLOWS it out of the sky. On Thor, wheels turning. He turns to Hulk. THOR How’d you get here? HULK Winning. THOR You mean cheating? (re: Obedience Disk) (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 59. Were they wearing one of these when you won? How’d you arrive here? HULK Quinjet. Hulk mimes a plane landing in the water. THOR Yes. Where is the Quinjet now? Hulk stands up, and exits the hot tub, naked. THOR (CONT’D) That’s naked. He’s very naked. It’s in my brain now. Hulk points out the window. HULK Quinjet. Thor sees the Quinjet in a massive alien junkyard. THOR Yes! I’m getting us out of here. This is a terrible, awful place. You’re gonna love Asgard. It’s big. It’s golden. Shiny. Hulk sits on his bed, eating a pumpkin. HULK Hulk stay. THOR No, no, no. My people need me to get back to Asgard. We must prevent Ragnarok. HULK Rag-na-ruh? THOR The prophesied death of my home world, the end of days, it’s the end of- (Hulk’s blank stare) If you help me get back to Asgard, I can help you get back to Earth. HULK Earth hate Hulk. THOR (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 60. THOR Earth loves Hulk. They love you. You’re of the Avengers. One of the team, one of our friends. This is what friends do. They support each other. HULK You’re Banner’s friend. THOR I’m not Banner’s friend. I prefer you. HULK Banner’s friend. THOR I don’t even like Banner. (bad impersonation) “I’m into numbers and science and stuff.” HULK Thor go. Hulk Stay. THOR Fine. Stay here. Stupid place. It’s hideous, by the way. The red, the white. Just pick a color. Thor heads for the exit, a wide open door. HULK Smash you. THOR You didn’t smash anything. I won that fight HULK I smashed you. THOR Yeah, sure, sure. HULK Baby Arms. THOR What? HULK Baby. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 61. THOR Moron! You big child. Thor heads to the open entrance. Hulk smiles, anticipating. HULK Thor go! THOR I am going. ZAP! Thor’s jolted back by the obedience disk. There are perimeter sensors in the doorway. Hulk CHUCKLES at Thor as he hits the floor. Points. HULK Thor go again! (then:) Thor home. TIME CUT: Thor slumps against the wall, head sagging. Hulk grabs his giant battleaxe. He’s armored up. HULK (CONT’D) Hulk trains. THOR That’s great. Have fun. Hulk exits. Thor watches him go. Then, at the end of the hallway Hulk meets up with Valkyrie! They begin play- fighting, a clearly friendly rapport. Thor can’t believe it. He runs to the entrance, but by the time he reaches the perimeter sensors they are gone. Thor sighs. Walks over to the window. Looks up through a wormhole, stars twinkling on the other end of it. THOR (CONT’D) Heimdall, I know you can see me. A57 A57 Thor continues his plea at the window. THOR (CONT’D) I need you to help me. Help me see. Pause. Then Thor’s eyes go golden like Heimdall’s! The stars in the wormhole begin to WARP OVER THOR AND- BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 62. INT. STREETS OF ASGARD - SAME AA57 AA57 Thor suddenly finds himself in Asgard. Disoriented at first, Thor turns to see Heimdall hiding in the shadows. Heimdall harshly SHUSHES Thor and gestures for him to get up against the wall. Thor complies. Sees the refugees. After a beat a roving patrol of Hela’s Butchers creep by through the street. They don’t spot our heroes. Pause. Heimdall turns to Thor, speaks only in hushed whispers. HEIMDALL I see you. But you are far away. THOR What’s going on here? HEIMDALL Come see for yourself. Without warning, Heimdall leads the family out of the alley and DASHES down the street. Thor follows... ...but then stops. Looks around to see THE OCCUPIED CITY OF ASGARD, emitting a smoky aura of chaos. A chilling sight. Down the street, Heimdall gestures for the family to slow down. He sees something. Ushers them into an alcove. Thor joins them just in time to avoid being seen by another roving patrol of Hela’s Butchers. Heimdall again motions for Thor to “shh” until the threat has passed. Then: HEIMDALL (CONT’D) I’m providing refuge in a stronghold build by our ancestors. But if the garrison falls our only escape will is Bi-Frost. THOR You’re talking about evacuating Asgard? HEIMDALL We won’t last long if we stay. Thor LOOKS OUT on a ravaged Asgard, heartsick. Hold on the devastated Realm as: BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 63. HEIMDALL (O.S.) (CONT’D) She draws her power from Asgard and grows stronger everyday. Back to Thor and Heimdall. HEIMDALL (CONT’D) Come on. As Heimdall quickly leads refugees down a safe pathway: HEIMDALL (V.O.) (CONT’D) Hela is ravenous. If I let her leave, she’ll consume the Nine Realms and all the cosmos. Turns back to Thor, approaches him. HEIMDALL (CONT’D) We need you. THOR I’m working on it, but I don’t even really know where the hell I am. Two packs of Butchers arrive simultaneously. Spot Heimdall. HEIMDALL You’re on a planet surrounded by doorways. Go through one. THOR Which one? Heimdall RIPS into the attacking Butchers, CUTTING them down. HEIMDALL The big one! WHOOSH! SUDDENLY THOR’S GONE! BLACK. After slashing through the Butchers, Heimdall moves towards the house where he hid the family... and then abruptly stops. Heimdall turns slightly. He sees something. [BINOCULARS POV] Heimdall looking right at us, the Bi-Frost sword visible in his hand. Reveal Skurge on a palace tower balcony, surveilling the city with Asgardian E-noculars. Skurge lowers the E-noculars. There is conflict on his face. He knows that he should report this to Hela immediately...yet he doesn’t spring into action. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 64. INT. HULK’S WARRIOR SUITE - NIGHT 57 57 Thor absentmindedly fidgets with his Obedience Disk. THUD! THUD! THUD! ...resonates around the room. Hulk steps up to Thor, looking inquisitively down at him. HULK Thor sad. THOR Shut up. Hulk HITS Thor, bullying him into opening up. HULK THOR SAD!!! Thor hops up, YELLS in Hulk’s face. Paces around. THOR I’m not sad, you idiot. I’m pissed off! Angry. I lost my father. I lost my hammer. THUD! THUD! He turns to see Hulk punching his pillow. Hulk stops. Stares. HULK Whining and crying. Cry like baby. THOR You’re not even listening. Thor KICKS a random helmet. HULK Don’t kick stuff. THOR You’re being a really bad friend. HULK You bad friend! THOR You know what we call you? HULK No. THOR We call you the stupid Avenger. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 65. HULK You’re tiny Avenger! Hulk throws a shield that nearly decapitates Thor. THOR What, are you crazy? HULK Yes. THOR You know what? Earth does hate you. Hulk gets sad. Wanders over to his bed to mope. Thor realizes he went to far. Joins Hulk on the bed. HULK No. THOR I’m sorry I said those things. You’re not the stupid Avenger. Nobody calls you the stupid Avenger. HULK It’s okay. THOR You just can’t go around throwing shields at people. Could have killed me. HULK I know. I’m sorry. I just get so angry all the time. Hulk always, always angry. THOR I know. We’re the same, you and I. We’re just a couple of hot-headed fools. HULK Yeah, same. Hulk like fire, Thor like water. THOR We’re kind of both like fire. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 66. HULK But Hulk like real fire. Hulk like raging fire. Thor like smoldering fire. THOR Hulk, I need you to do something for me. [TIME CUT] Morning. BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! BA-BOOM! We follow Two Palace Guards as they enter Hulk’s Suite. Hulk is throwing a LARGE BALL against the far wall. It’s so hard it makes dents in the wall. Hulk stops and turns. Reveal that the guards are escorting Valkyrie. They leave... Valkyrie and Hulk face off. HULK Angry girl! Val bounds forward and gives The Incredible Hulk a big hug. Hulk laughs and then begins playfully roughhousing with Val. VALKYRIE What’s going on? What do you...? Hulk steps away, allowing Valkyrie to see Thor. Her smile disappears. She stares at Hulk, so annoyed. Hulk mopes a little. Like, “I done bad.” Turns back to Thor: VALKYRIE (CONT’D) You’re so thick-headed that you can’t tell when someone’s hiding all the way across the universe and wants to be left alone? THOR We need to talk. VALKYRIE No, you want to talk to me. Valkyrie turns to leave. THOR (to Hulk:) I need her to stay. Valkyrie is at the exit when the UPPER JAWBONE of Hulk’s massive skull bed CRASHES into frame, BLOCKING the doorway. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 67. Val shoots an annoyed sneer at Hulk. Hulk SNORTS back. HULK Stay! Please? Valkyrie looks him up and down. Obedience Disks to the max. Hulk begins BOUNCING his ball against the wall again. Valkyrie walks over to Hulk’s bar, picks up an UNOPENED BOTTLE of liquor. Hulk snorts, disapprovingly. Val puts it down and finds something cheaper, she pops the cork. VALKYRIE All right. Here’s the deal. I’ll listen to you till this is empty. She TIPS BACK the bottle and starts CHUGGING. THOR Asgard is in danger and people are dying. We need to get back there. I need your help...wow. VALKYRIE Finished. Bye. She has indeed finished. She goes to leave. THOR Odin is dead. Valkyrie stops short (the BALL BANGING noise continues). Her silence speaks volumes. Thor has a realization. THOR (CONT’D) Hela, the Goddess of Death has invaded Asgard. VALKYRIE If Hela’s back then Asgard is already lost. THOR I’m going to stop her. VALKYRIE Alone? THOR Nope. I’m putting together a team. It’s me, you, and the big guy. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 68. HULK No team. Only Hulk. THOR It’s me and you. VALKYRIE I think it’s only you. THOR Wait. Just listen. The Valkyrie are legend, elite warriors of Asgard. You are sworn to defend the throne. VALKYRIE I’m not getting dragged into another one of Odin’s family squabbles. THOR What’s that supposed to mean? VALKYRIE Your sister. Her power comes from Asgard, same as yours. Hulk’s ball rolls into frame. An off screen GRUNT. Val picks it up and tosses it back to Hulk. VALKYRIE (CONT’D) When it grew beyond Odin’s control, she massacred everyone in the palace and tried to seize the throne. When she tried to escape her banishment, he sent the Valkyrie in to fight her back. I only survived because... (trails off, brooding) Look, I already faced her once back when I believed in the throne, and it cost me everything. THAT’S what’s wrong with Asgard. The throne, the secrets, the whole golden sham. Pause. Thor moves towards Valkyrie, goes to put a comforting hand on her shoulder. THOR I agree. Val SNATCHES his hand. They are close, face to face. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 69. VALKYRIE Don’t get familiar. THOR I agree. That’s why I turned down the throne. But this isn’t about the crown. This is about the people. They’re dying and they’re you’re people, too. Val SHOVES him away. Thor stumbles back. VALKYRIE Forget it. I have. THOR (nods, understanding) Okay. VALKYRIE Okay. THOR Good. Great. VALKYRIE Great. THOR Thank you. VALKYRIE For what? THOR For this. Reveal that Thor has lifted the fob device off Val’s belt! THOR (CONT’D) Didn’t see that did you? Thor presses the button and ALL THE OBEDIENCE DISKS EMBEDDED IN HIS NECK AND BELT POWER DOWN! Confident smirk. THOR (CONT’D) There... that’s better. You know, go ahead. Stay here and get drunk and enslave people for that lunatic. Keep drinking. Keep hiding. (beat) But me... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 70. Thor gestures for Hulk to toss him the ball. Hulk does. THOR (CONT’D) I choose to run toward my problems and not away from them. Because that’s what... Thor HURLS IT at the MAIN WINDOW - It bounces off, hitting Thor in the face. He stands, facing Valkyrie. THOR (CONT’D) Because that’s what heroes do. Thor then SMASHES THROUGH THE WINDOW! Hulk STANDS... HULK Friend Stay! EXT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - DAY 60 60 Thor is sliding down the SIDE of the GRANDMASTER’S TOWER. He LAUNCHES HIMSELF OFF THE BUILDING and hurtles downward, LANDING casually on the street below. Finally free. EXT. THE STREETS OF SAKAAR - CONTINUOUS 61 61 Thor is HAULING ASS. Never slowing down, Thor keeps the top of the arena in sight. [A few blocks back] Hulk is in pursuit. He’s BUMPING people, SWATTING vehicles out of the way, just being a menace. On Sakaar, the citizens APPLAUD for him! Even when Hulk DEMOLISHES a man’s food cart, the man CHEERS Hulk on! EXT. MASSIVE ALIEN JUNKYARD - CONTINUOUS 62 62 Thor SPRINTS in. Looks around. Man, this place is big. He RUNS down aisles of crushed and stripped spacecrafts, a giant smelter, and then into what looks like a used car lot. And then he sees it. The Quinjet! INT. QUINJET - CONTINUOUS 63 63 Thor enters and rushes to the controls. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 71. THOR All right. Come on. He is pressing buttons and flipping switches. After a beat- -the flight deck POWERS UP! Thor places his hand on a pad which SCANS his handprint. Lights up green. QUINJET (V.O.) Voice verification required. THOR Thor. QUINJET (V.O.) Access denied. THOR Thor, son of Odin. QUINJET (V.O.) Access denied. THOR God of Thunder. QUINJET (V.O.) Access denied. THOR Strongest Avenger. QUINJET (V.O.) Access denied. THOR Strongest Avenger! QUINJET (V.O.) Access denied. THOR Damn you, Stark. (rolls his eyes) Point Break. QUINJET (V.O.) Welcome, Point Break. CAH-RUNCH! Hulk BARGES IN through the Quinjet door! The Hulk approaches, scowling. Any metal that stands in his way PEELS BACK. Frantic, Thor turns to the Quinjet’s console. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 72. HULK Friend stay! THOR No, no, no! As Hulk enters, he DESTROYS the hull of the Quinjet. HULK Stay! THOR Stop! Stop breaking everything! HULK Don’t go! Thor triggers a message on the flight console. NATASHA (V.O.) Nice work, big guy. We don’t know where Ultron’s headed, but you’re going very high, very fast. Hulk stops short. His whole demeanor changes. Thor steps out of the way so that Hulk can see a recorded message from NATASHA ROMANOFF on the console. NATASHA (V.O.) ...So, I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can’t track you in stealth mode... Hulk is now right up against the console screen. NATASHA (V.O.) ...So I need you to help me out. Okay? I need you to... HULK No! No, Banner! Hulk CONVULSES. Drops to his hands and knees. His whole body warping. Hulk ROARS and GRABS at his face, SHAKING his head, trying to fight this back. But he can’t help it... ...HE’S TRANSFORMING BACK INTO BRUCE BANNER! The transition is rough and chaotic, it’s as if Banner is fighting to get out of the Hulk. Throughout the process, Hulk SMASHES back and forth, further WRECKING the Quinjet. And then, calm. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 73. Thor rushes to Banner’s side to help ease the transition. THOR Banner. Hey, hey, hey. You all right, Banner? Sun’s going down. Sun’s going down. That’s it, breathe. I won’t hurt you. Sun’s going down. BANNER ...Thor? THOR Yeah. Banner is groggy, disoriented. Thoughts, memories, and observations begin to flood his brain randomly. BANNER What happened to your hair? THOR Some creepy old man cut it off. BANNER It looks good. THOR Thanks. BANNER Where are we? How’s Nat? THOR Nat is good, I’m sure. BANNER And what about Sokovia? THOR Sokovia? BANNER The city, Sokovia. Did we save it? THOR Banner, listen. BANNER What? THOR Sokovia. Ultron. That was two years ago. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 74. BANNER What are you saying? I’ve been Hulk for two years? THOR I’m afraid so. Banner’s eyes BULGE. Trying to process this information. BANNER What the hell happened? Banner rushes to his feet. Thor follows. THOR Banner, there’s something you should know... Banner goes to the flight console. QUINJET (V.O.) Voice Activation required. BANNER Banner. QUINJET (V.O.) Welccome, Strongest Avenger. THOR (puzzled) What? BANNER Ship’s log... THE SHIP’S LOG POPS UP ON SCREEN. FROM BEHIND THE DISPLAY (within the monitor looking out) we see fragmented images of the Hulk’s trip through deep space. We see the angry green giant thrash around in zero gravity. We see Hulk closer to the camera now, looking stressed and car sick. THROW FOCUS to see Banner’s face watching the video, Hulk’s freaked out face is super-imposed over Banner’s freaked out face. BANNER (CONT’D) Thor, where are we? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 75. THOR Yeah, about that. Banner hears: GRANDMASTER (O.S.) It’s bad news, bad news today. Banner rushes over to the windshield. Through it he sees- -Grandmaster, his hologram projection towering over the city. GRANDMASTER (CONT’D) Sakaar, hear ye. Attention please. I have some bad news. My beloved, exalted Champion has turned up missing. Take to the streets. Celebrate my champion. BANNER Who’s that? THOR He kind of runs the place. You actually lived in his house. Back to Banner. A distant, confused stare. BANNER I did? THOR Yeah. Quite a lot’s happened. You and I had a fight recently. BANNER Did I win? THOR No, I won. Easily. BANNER Doesn’t sound right. THOR Well, it’s true. GRANDMASTER It seems that that criminally seductive Lord of Thunder has stolen him away. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 76. THOR Seductive GOD of Thunder. We need to move. BANNER Oh, no. This is bad. This is really, really bad. Thor, I think I’m freaking out. THOR No, no, no. Don’t freak out. You’re okay. Put these on. Thor tosses Banner some clothes. Banner looks at them. BANNER These are Tony’s clothes. THOR I know, come on. BANNER Is he here? THOR No, he’s not here. But listen. Just stay calm, okay? The sun’s going down. The sun’s getting really low. Sun’s going down. INT. GRANDMASTER’S CHAMBERS - DAY 67 67 Loki and Valkyrie are brought before Grandmaster, who has at least tripled the amount of bodyguards around him. GRANDMASTER I’m upset! I’m very upset. You know what I like about being upset? Blame. Right now, that’s the mindset that I’m in. And you know who I’m blaming? LOKI Grandmaster, I- GRANDMASTER Hey! Don’t interrupt me! Topaz hands the melt stick to the grandmaster. TOPAZ Here you go. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 77. GRANDMASTER Why are you handing me the melt stick? He was interrupting. That’s not a capital violation. (refocuses) My precious champion has come up missing and its all because of that Lord of Thunder. It’s all because of him. (to Loki) YOUR brother. Whatever the story is. Adopted, or complicated. I’m sure there’s a big history. (to Valkyrie) And YOUR contender. LOKI My dear friend, if you were to give me twelve hours I could bring them both back to you. VALKYRIE I can do it in two. LOKI I could do it in one. GRANDMASTER You know what? I woke up this morning thinking about a public execution. But for now, I’ll settle for this sweet little “who’s gonna get him first?” So you’re on the clock. INT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - DAY 64 64 Valkyrie exits in a hurry. Loki follows her. LOKI What have you done!? Val reverses position, putting Loki up against the wall. VALKYRIE I don’t answer to you, lackey. LOKI It’s Loki. And you will answer to the Grandmaster. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 78. Loki moves to reverse position again, but Val BREAKS AWAY, drawing her TWO BLADES. In response, Loki UNSHEATHES two long Sakaarian daggers. They eye each other, and then- -FIGHT! A fast-paced and deadly battle of knives. After a few exchanges, Val connects a BIG SHOT that SLAMS Loki into the wall. He scowls. LOKI (CONT’D) Why would you help my brother escape with that green fool? VALKYRIE I don’t help anyone. Loki trails off. He sees her wrist markings. A realization. LOKI You’re a Valkyrie. I thought the Valkyrie all died gruesome deaths? Now Val ATTACKS Loki! She gets him up against the wall, her blade against his throat. She looks ready to kill him. VALKYRIE Choose your next words wisely. LOKI Terribly sorry. Must be a very painful memory... Quick as a rattlesnake, Loki GRABS Val’s head and CASTS an illusion. Val’s eyes CLOUD OVER with darkness as we go to: EXT. HELA’S DIMENSION - FLASHBACK 65 65 A barren black void of death. The VALKYRIE, in old school Asgardian armor, charge through the DIMENSIONAL RIFT, an open portal to Asgard and the Nine Realms. Val witnesses these events as moments frozen in time. - Reveal Hela in all her glory, black lightning everywhere. - Dozens of Valkyrie falling through the dark space. - The Valkyrie’s winged horses lay dead on the battlefield. - Through the open portal we can see the throne of Asgard. - Hela advancing on the final few Valkyrie - one is Val, frozen in fear, shell-shocked. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 79. - Hela FIRING black weapons at Val... - One of Val’s sisters DIVING IN at the last second, SHOVING VAL back through the PORTAL and taking the fatal hit! - Val lands hard in the Throne room. - Val scrambling to her feet and trying to re-enter the rift but it’s too late. It closes, the last image she sees is Hela dealing the final killer blow to her doomed Valkyrie sisters. EXT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - CONTINUOUS 66 66 We find Val on her knees in front of Loki, trembling from this visceral memory that she’s tried so hard to suppress. She turns on Loki, raging, and knocks him out. EXT. SAKAAR - STOOP - DAY 69 69 BANNER sits, groaning, head in his hands. THOR is beside him, rubbing his back and on the lookout for threats. THOR The sun’s going down. It’s getting really low. The sun’s going down. It’s getting real low. BANNER Would you stop saying that!? THOR I just need you to stay calm. BANNER Calm!? I’m on an alien planet! THOR It’s just a planet. You’ve been on a planet before. BANNER Yeah! One! THOR Now you’ve been on two. That’s a good thing. It’s a new experience. BANNER My neurons, they’re firing faster than my brain can handle the information. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 80. The whole thing is totally different this time. (beat) In the past, I always felt like Hulk and I each had a hand on the wheel, but this time it’s like he had the keys and I was locked in the trunk. THOR Alright, well, you’re back now, that’s all that matters. BANNER No, it’s not what matters. What I’m trying to tell you, is that if I turn into the Hulk again, Banner may never come back. And we’re stranded on a planet that is designed to stress me out. THOR We’re not stranded, I’m gonna figure out a way to get us home. BANNER Thank you. THOR Not your home, though. Asgard. BANNER What? THOR Listen, my people are in great danger. You and I, we have to fight this really powerful being who also happens to be my sister. BANNER Okay, that is so wrong on so many... I don’t wanna fight your sister. That’s a family issue. THOR No, she’s an evil being. BANNER I don’t care what she is. I’m not fighting any more beings. I’m sick of it. I just told you. BANNER (CONT'D) (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 81. If I turn into the Hulk, I am never gonna come back again. And you don’t care. THOR No, no. I’m putting together the team. The Hulk is the fire. BANNER Wait, you’re just using me to get to the Hulk. THOR What? No! BANNER It’s gross. You don’t care about me. You’re not my friend. THOR No! I don’t even like the Hulk. He’s all like... “smash, smash, smash.” I prefer you. BANNER Thanks. THOR But if I’m being honest, when it comes to fighting evil beings, he is very powerful and useful. BANNER Yeah, Banner’s powerful and useful, too. THOR Is he though? BANNER How many PhDs does Hulk have? Zero. How many PhDs does Banner have? Seven. THOR Fine, you don’t have to fight anyone. But we’re in danger here, so we have to move. Thor grabs a towel from the ground next to him. He puts the towel over his head. BANNER What are you doing with that? BANNER (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 82. THOR I need a disguise. I’m a fugitive. BANNER I need a disguise. THOR You are the disguise. Banner finds a pair of Stark’s sunglasses in his jacket. BANNER I’ll be Tony Stark. THOR What? BANNER Yeah. Tony and the gypsy. THOR No, no you’re not Tony. You’re Bruce Banner. BANNER Then why did you dress me up like Tony? THOR Because you were naked. BANNER Okay, I’ll give you that. They stand up. Banner adjusts his crotch. THOR What are you doing? Stop doing that! BANNER Tony wears his pants super tight! THOR Why are you being so weird? BANNER I don’t know. Maybe the fact that I was trapped for two years inside of a monster made me a little weird. Banner flashes green. Thor calms him down. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 83. THOR Hey. It’s okay. You’re good. Calm down. Come on. Listen, we’re gonna go to Asgard and you’re not gonna have to think about the Hulk ever again. All right? BANNER All right. WHAP! Banner gets nailed in the face with green paint. Caught off guard, Thor and Banner are swept off into- EXT. PARADE OF VICTORS - CONTINUOUS 69A 69A It’s a massive street festival where revelers dance and cheer while throwing powdered paint at each other... in celebration of Hulk! Green EVERYWHERE! Inside the parade it is total chaos. Thor searches for Banner as he’s PELTED with green powder. Pandemonium. In the crowd Thor sees a pack of SCRAPPERS on the hunt for the reward. Thor spots Banner. He surges forward, GRABS Banner, and pulls him into another alley, but sees- -Valkyrie is approaching from down the alley! THOR This is bad. Banner! Banner! Thor pulls Banner back into the crowd. Thor briefly turns to see that he is no longer holding Banner’s - it’s the arm of a SMALL ALIEN who squeals in fright. Thor sees Banner across the crowd. Thor MUSCLES his way through the madness, knocking rowdy fans aside. He reaches Banner and holds him protectively, awkwardly trying to rub his shoulders. One of the aliens Thor knocked aside turns out to be a MASSIVE SCRAPPER. He rears up, turning on Thor and Banner. WHAM! From out of nowhere, Valkyrie CLOCKS this Scrapper with a brass knuckle right cross. The Scrapper DROPS. Thor looks at Val while clutching Banner like a child. THOR (CONT’D) Hi. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 84. VALKYRIE Hi. THOR I was gonna do that. VALKYRIE Yeah, well, I did it first. THOR That’s good. What are you doing here? VALKYRIE What are you doing here? I thought you were leaving. THOR I got sidetracked. VALKYRIE What’s with the... THOR It’s my disguise. VALKYRIE But I can see your face. THOR (covers his face) Not when I do this, you can’t. (then:) Your hair looks nice. I like what you did with it. Change it? Washed it maybe? Valkyrie just rolls her eyes, takes Thor by the arm. BANNER (to Thor:) What are those things on her eyes? Are those the people that she’s killed? She’s so beautiful and strong... EXT. SAKAARIAN STREET - MOMENTS LATER 69B 69B Valkyrie escorts Thor and Banner through the street. VALKYRIE Who is this guy? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 85. THOR He’s a friend. BANNER Who? Me? I’m Bruce. As Val leads them into Sakaarian apartment building. VALKYRIE I feel like I know you. BANNER I feel like I know you too. OMITTED A72 A72 OMITTED 72 72 INT. SAKAARIAN BUILDING - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS A73 A73 Continue down the hallway. VALKYRIE Look, I’ve spent years in a haze trying to forget my past. Sakaaar seemed like the best place to drink and forget and to die one day. THOR I was thinking that you drink too much, and that probably was going to kill you. VALKYRIE I don’t plan to stop drinking, but I don’t want to forget. I can’t turn away anymore. So, if I’m donna to die, well... it may as well be driving my sword through the heart of that murderous hag. THOR Good. They arrive at a door. Before they enter: VALKYRIE Yeah. So I’m saying that I wanna be on the team. Has it got a name? THOR Yeah, it’s called the Revengers. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 86. VALKYRIE Revengers? THOR Because I’m getting revenge. You’re getting revenge. (to Banner:) Do you want revenge? BANNER I’m undecided. THOR Okay. VALKYRIE Also, I’ve got a peace offering. INT. VALKYRIE’S APARTMENT - DAY 73 73 Valkyrie opens the front door, revealing- -Loki! He is as restrained as anyone could be, sitting in the middle of the apartment with a dozen chains around him. LOKIE Surprise. Thor TOSSES a bottle. It BOUNCES off of Loki’s head. LOKI OW! THOR Just had to be sure. LOKI Hello, Bruce. BANNER So, last time I saw you, you were trying to kill everybody. Where are you at these days? LOKI It varies from moment to moment. Val’s apartment is a shithole. Bottles everywhere, blood- spattered clothes in the corner, a knife in the wall, etc. Banner gives Thor a look like “she might be crazy.” Thor responds with a “No, she’s cool” gesture. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 87. Val lays something on the bed. Unwraps it to reveal AN OLD ASGARDIAN SWORD. Thor’s eyes go wide as she sharpens it. THOR Is that... a Dragonfang? VALKYRIE It is. THOR My God. This is the famed sword of the Valkyrie. VALKYRIE Sakaar and Asgard are about as far apart as any two known systems. Our best bet is a wormhole just outside the city limits. A nice clean wormhole outside the city. VALKYRIE (CONT’D) Refuel on Xandar and be back in Asgard in around 18 months. THOR Nope. We’re going through that one. Thor points at the nightmare tornado wormhole over the ocean. VALKYRIE The Devil’s Anus? BANNER Wait, whose anus are we going through? THOR For the record, I didn’t know it was called that when I picked it. BANNER That looks like a collapsing neutron star inside of an Einstein- Rosen Bridge. VALKYRIE We need another ship. That would tear mine to pieces. THOR She’s right. We need one that can withstand the geodetic strain from the singularity. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 88. Banner gives Thor a quizzical look. BANNER And has an offline power steering system that could also function without the on-board computer. VALKYRIE And we need one with cup holders, because we’re gonna die. So, drinks! BANNER Do I know you? I feel like I know you. VALKYRIE I feel like I know you, too. It’s weird. THOR (to Banner:) What do you say, doctor? Uncharted metagalactic travel through a volatile cosmic gateway. Talk about an adventure. Thor and Banner high five as Val stares at them blankly. BANNER We need a ship. THOR (CONT'D) Need a ship. VALKYRIE There are one or two ships, absolute top-of-the-line models-- LOKI I don’t mean to impose, but the Grandmaster has a great many ships. I may eve have stolen the access codes to his security system. All eyes turn to Loki. Valkyrie throws her bottle at him. It smashes above his head. VALKYRIE And suddenly you’re overcome with an urge to do the right thing. LOKI Heavens, no. I’ve run out of favor with the Grandmaster. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 89. And in exchange for codes and access to a ship I’m asking for safe passage...through the anus. THOR You’re telling us you can get us access into the garage without setting off any alarms? LOKI Yes, brother. I can. BANNER Okay, can I just... A quick FYI, I was just talking to him just a couple minutes ago and he was totally ready to kill any of us. VALKYRIE He did try to kill me. THOR Yes, me too. On many, many occasions. There was one time when we were children, he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows that I love snakes. So, I went to pick up the snake to admire it and he transformed back into himself and he was like, “Yeah, it’s me!” And he stabbed me. We were eight at the time. Loki suppresses a smile. VALKYRIE If we’re boosting a ship, we’re gonna need to draw some guards away from the palace. LOKI Why not set the beast loose? THOR Shut up. VALKYRIE You guys have a beast? THOR No, there’s no beast. He’s just being stupid. We’re going to start a revolution. LOKI (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 90. BANNER Revolution? THOR I’ll explain later. VALKYRIE Who’s this guy again? THOR I’ll explain later. OMITTED 74 74 INT. THE ARENA - GLADIATOR CELLS - MOMENTS LATER 75 75 Korg sits with his cell mates. He’s talking to Miek. KORG Is that some sort of protoplasm, all the stuff that’s coming out of you? Or are they eggs? Looks like eggs. Suddenly his Obedience Disk POWERS DOWN. No longer glowing. As Korg stands up, Valkyrie appears at the door to his cell. VALKYRIE I’m looking for Korg. KORG Who’s asking? I know you’re asking. Is anyone else asking, or is it just you? Valkyrie tosses him a high-tech rifle. VALKYRIE The Lord of Thunder sends his best. KORG My revolution has begun... INT. GRANDMASTER’S CHAMBERS - DAY 76 76 Grandmaster speaks with Topaz who now wears battle armor. GRANDMASTER Revolution? How did this happen? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 91. TOPAZ Don’t know. But the Arena’s mainframe for the Obedience Disks have been deactivated and the slaves have armed themselves. GRANDMASTER Oh! I don’t like that word! TOPAZ Mainframe? GRANDMASTER No. Why would I not like “mainframe?” No, the “S” word. TOPAZ Sorry, the “prisoners with jobs” have armed themselves. GRANDMASTER Okay, that’s better. CHA-CHNK! SOUNDS OF MACHINERY as the whole space starts moving. A different angle reveals that we are in- EXT. THE STATESMAN - CONTINUOUS A77 A77 Grandmaster’s chambers are actually the oversized cockpit of a A HUGE RIOT CONTROL SHIP (The Statesman) that can dock itself indefinitely within the palace! The Statesman has DISLODGED from the palace and is now flanked by six smaller Sakaarian peace-keeping ships, all headed towards the city where RIOTING can be heard. INT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - GROUND LEVEL - CONTINUOUS 77 77 Thor waits as Loki enters codes to a door’s security panel. THOR Hey, so listen, we should talk. LOKI I disagree. Open communication was never our family’s forte. THOR You have no idea. I’ve had quite the revelation since we spoke last. The door opens, revealing a bunch of guards. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 92. Thor and Loki heft up two Sakaarian guns. THOR (CONT’D) Hello! LOKI Hi! Thor and Loki BLAST all the guards, moving to another door. LOKI (CONT’D) Odin brought us together, it’s almost poetic that his death should split us apart. We might as well be strangers now. “Two sons of the crown” set adrift. A guard tries to ambush Loki through the door. Thor TAKES OUT the guard. THOR Thought you didn’t want to talk about it? INT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 79 79 Thor and Loki are going up. LOKI Here’s the thing. I’m probably better off staying here on Sakaar. THOR That’s exactly what I was thinking. LOKI ...Did you just agree with me? THOR This place is perfect for you. It’s savage, chaotic, lawless. Brother, you’re going to do GREAT here. LOKI Do you truly think so little of me? Thor pauses, considers his brother. Then: THOR Loki, I thought the world of you. I thought we were gonna fight side by side forever. But, at the end of the day, you’re you, I’m me... (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 93. I don’t know, maybe there’s still good in you, but let’s be honest, our paths diverged a long time ago. Loki is wounded by Thor’s willingness to discard him. Masks his feelings with: LOKI It’s probably for the best that we never see one another again. Beat. Thor pats Loki affectionately on the shoulder. Hold on Loki. Did Thor just get through to him? THOR That’s what you always wanted. Beat. Then: THOR (CONT’D) Hey, let’s do “Get Help.” LOKI What? THOR “Get Help.” LOKI No. THOR Come on, you love it. LOKI I hate it. THOR It’s great. IT works every time. LOKI It’s humiliating. THOR Do you have a better plan? LOKI No. THOR We’re doing it. THOR (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 94. LOKI We are not doing “Get Help.” OMITTED 80 80 INT. GRANDMASTER’S PRIVATE GARAGE - CONTINUOUS 82 82 Multi-tiered platforms with dozens of cool spaceships. The elevator doors open. Thor supports Loki’s weight with Loki faking a fatal injury. THOR Get help! Please! My brother, he’s dying. A small group of Sakaarian guards turn toward Thor and Loki. One guard aims his gun at them. THOR (CONT’D) Get help! Help him! Thor picked up Loki and flings him at the guards, knocking them down like bowling pins. Loki stands up and Thor steps to Loki’s side. THOR (CONT’D) Classic. LOKI I still hate it. It’s humiliating. THOR Not for me, it’s not. THOR (CONT’D) Which one’s the ship she told us to get? LOKI (points) The Commodore. The COMMODORE starship. Brand new, solidly built, sleek. As they walk towards it a DUPLICATE LOKI FORMS and LAGS BEHIND. The Loki walking with Thor is an illusion. LOKI (CONT’D) Though I feel it won’t make much of a difference... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 95. We follow the real Loki as he slinks away towards the security system panel. He activates the panel and brings up a screen that will set off all the alarms palace-wide! THOR (O.S.) Oh, Loki. Loki turns to see Thor looking not at all surprised. LOKI I know I’ve betrayed you many times before, but this time it’s truly nothing personal. The reward for your capture will set me up nicely. He triggers the alarm. INT. GRANDMASTER’S PRIVATE GARAGE - CONTINUOUS 82B 82B THOR Never one for sentiment, were you? LOKI Easier to let it burn. But then Loki sees Thor holding up a fob device. Loki realizes that Thor affixed an Obedience Disk on him in that heart-to-heart moment. THOR I agree. BZZZT! Thor ZAPS Loki and HOLDS DOWN the button. Loki HITS the ground, WRITHING in pain. Thor approaches. Pause. THOR (CONT’D) Oh brother, you’re becoming predictable. I trust you, you betray me. Round and round in circles we go. Thor continues to “think about it” for a beat while Loki convulses in agony on the floor. Finally, Thor kneels down: THOR (CONT’D) See, Loki, life is about, it’s about growth. It’s about change. But you seem to just wanna stay the same. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’ll always be the God of Mischief, but you could be more. I’ll just put this over here for you. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 96. Thor places the fob on top of the security panel, so close but so far from Loki’s paralyzed reach. THOR (CONT’D) Anyway, I got places to be so good luck. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - MOMENTS LATER 82C 82C Thor is seen in the cockpit. THOR All right, I can figure this out. It’s just another spaceship. EXT. GRANDMASTER’S PALACE - MOMENTS LATER 83 83 The massive garage doors OPEN. This sets off BLARING ALARMS to alert the palace of this unauthorized departure. The Commodore ship LIFTS OFF from the garage. In the cockpit Thor pushes forward on the throttle. The ship ZOOMS ahead. GRANDMASTER Loyal Sakaarians, Lord of Thunder has stolen my ship and my favorite champion. Sakaarians, take to the skies. Bring him down. Do not let him leave this planet. [BELOW] Pilots hastily RUSH to their Palace Patrol ships so as to pursue the Commodore. The first two ships out of the garage SWOOP AROUND behind Thor. The Patrol ships are LOCKING weapons on Thor when- -BOOM-BOOM! They are both blown out of the sky by- INT. WARSONG SHIP - SAME 84 84 Val is all focus, flying and FIRING. Banner sits shotgun. BANNER Good shot! EXT. SAKAAR - DAY 85 85 Thor’s ship and Val’s ship now ZIP through the city in tandem. On the horizon we can see- BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 97. -the Statesman, the enlarged Grandmaster, and his Riot Control team raining down hell on the revolting prisoners. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 86 86 Thor in the pilot’s seat. Val comes in over the radio. VALKYRIE (V.O.) Open the doors. Thor looks over the console. FLIPS a switch. INT. WARSONG SHIP - CONTINUOUS 87 87 Valkyrie STEERS down, dropping altitude. Her whole ship spins upside down, yet her cockpit is still right-side up. VALKYRIE I hope that you’re tougher than you look. BANNER Why? Val MAXES OUT the throttle. The ship ACCELERATES. When she’s under Thor’s ship, Val presses- -THE EJECT BUTTON! Banner is LAUNCHED OUT OF THE SHIP! INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 88 88 Thor at the controls. We hear an incoming scream of increasing volume. “aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” THUNK! Banner is SHOT UP into the ship. ROUGH LANDING. Banner casually lifts his arm up and gives a THUMBS UP. CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK! The ship is being fired upon by another pursuit vehicle. Banner joins Thor. BANNER Shouldn’t we be shooting back or something? THOR Yes, we should. (into the radio:) Where are the guns on this ship? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 98. VALKYRIE (V.O.) There aren’t any. It’s a leisure vessel. THOR / BANNER WHAT?! VALKYRIE Grandmaster uses it for his good times, orgies and stuff. Thor and Banner look around. The CEILING has MIRRORS ON IT and the floor is covered in a Sakaarian PERSIAN RUG. BANNER Did she just say the Grandmaster uses it for orgies? THOR Yeah. Don’t touch anything. CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK! More fire from behind. INT. WARSONG SHIP - THE SAME A89 A89 Val’s ship is hit. She rotates the cockpit to face BACKWARDS and opens fire, taking out the attacking chase-ship. But now in Val’s cockpit... Sparks. Smoke. Alarms. In the distance Val clocks the Grandmaster’s Riot Ship raining terror down on the masses. A look of determination as she pops the HATCH above - her ship is now a convertible. EXT. SAKAAR - CONTINUOUS 89 89 Meanwhile, Warsong ZOOMS out from under Thor’s ship, still ACCELERATING. Val has turned her ship into a missile, and its trajectory is the Grandmaster’s Riot Control Ship! Grandmaster is still taunting his former captives below when- -KA-BOOM! Warsong SLAMS into the Statesman, specifically the Grandmaster’s projection! Enlarged Grandmaster stumbles, struggling to maintain his balance. Warsong EXPLODES while the Statesman is knocked off kilter and goes down for a hard landing in the market! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 99. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 90 90 Thor and Banner witness the fiery explosion of Val’s kamikaze flight path! THOR No! Thor experiences a brief instant of heartbreak/devastation... ...but then notices a spec coming out of the explosion. THWACK! Val hits the ship’s windshield and grabs hold! Residual smoke wafting off of her. OMITTED 91 91 EXT. SAKAAR - THE WASTELANDS - CONTINUOUS 92 92 Thor pilots the ship out of the city into the Wastelands as six Sakaarian fighter ships race after them in formation. The following dogfight will proceed across the Wastelands and then out over the Sakaarian Ocean. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 93 93 Val is still on the windshield. GUNFIRE! One of the pursuing ships WINGS the Commodore, causing it to LURCH. THOR Get inside! VALKYRIE In a minute! Val pulls herself up and then RUNS DOWN THE ROOF OF THE SHIP! Thor and Banner follow the THUMPING of her footsteps. EXT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 94 94 In full sprint, Val LEAPS OFF and- -LANDS HARD on the lead Sakaarian ship! Val begins TEARING into the enemy ship with her bare hands! INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 95 95 Thor and Banner exchange a look. Pause. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 100. THOR I should probably go and help. Thor abruptly exits, leaving Banner at the ship’s controls. THOR (CONT’D) Here, take the wheel. BANNER No. I don’t know how to fly one of these. THOR You’re a scientist. Use one of your PhDs. BANNER None of them are for flying alien spaceships! EXT. THE SAKAARIAN OCEAN - CONTINUOUS 96 96 Thor LEAPS into the middle of this high-speed dogfight! These two superhuman Asgardians begin jumping between their pursuer’s ships, taking out guns, engines, and pilots with their bare hands. It’s spectacular and epic. Thor RIPS out an engine block and uses it to crush a pilot. Val DRAGS her blades down the entire underbelly of a ship before BACKFLIPPING to another. Back and forth they go, even passing each other mid-flight a few times. One by one the Sakaarian ships GO DOWN. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - SAME A97 A97 Banner is frantically STEERING the ship, doing his best to dodge all the incoming fire. He peels away and is followed by Topaz, who is in her own chase-ship. Banner notices a button with a little explosion icon. BANNER Okay, come on. There’s gotta be a gun on this thing. That looks like a gun. Banner PRESSES the button. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 101. The ship’s lighting changes, like a disco effect. Weird dance music BLASTS over the PA, followed by Grandmaster’s voice. GRANDMASTER (V.O.) It’s MY BIRTHDAY! It’s MY BIRTHDAY! It’s MY BIRTHDAY. Banner is so confused. Then we hear FIREWORKS. EXT. THE SAKAARIAN OCEAN - CONTINUOUS B97 B97 MASSIVE PLUMES of powder paint SHOOT OUT of the ship followed by a huge colorful fireworks display. And then a rainforest’s worth of confetti is dumped from the hull! Topaz is suddenly in the middle of a party smoke screen! She tries to fly her way through all the fireworks and streamers, but ultimately she hits a HARD CRASH LANDING in the ocean. BANNER Yeah! Meanwhile, Thor and Val land together on the one remaining Sakaarian ship. Val leaks a smile to Thor. Thor YANKS OFF the cockpit cover, Val TOSSES the pilot, and together they PUSH FORWARD on the throttle. The ship SPEEDS FORWARD. Just then Banner pulls the Commodore back on the scene, hovering above them. They LEAP UP towards the Commodore’s open doors as the ship CRASHES and EXPLODES behind them! INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 97B 97B Thor and Valkyrie join Banner in the cockpit. VALKYRIE Guys, we’re coming up on the Devil’s Anus! INT. GRANDMASTER’S GARAGE - DAY 97F 97F KORG and MIEK enter, leading a group of gladiator rebels. Korg sees and then points to the SUPERCRUISER. KORG There she is. Our ticket out of here. Hey, what’s this? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 102. The OBEDIENCE DISK FOB on the ground. He picks it up. Korg then notices LOKI, TWITCHING and CONVULSING on the ground. He’s barely made any progress towards the fob. Loki locks eyes with Korg, a desperate and furious plea. Korg looks at Loki, then at the fob, then back to Loki. Loki gives Korg a maniacal, pleading look. Korg gets it. He deactivates the obedience disk. Loki stands, dusts himself off. LOKI Thank you. KORG Hey man, we’re about to jump on that ginormous spaceship. You wanna come? LOKI You do seem like you’re in desperate need of leadership. KORG Why thank you. OMITTED A98 A98 OMITTED B98 B98 EXT. THE DEVIL’S ANUS WORMHOLE - CONTINUOUS 98 98 VALKYRIE Here we go! The Commodore ship is swallowed up by the towering nightmare that is the Devil’s Anus wormhole. The ship’s onboard computer SHORTS OUT. Darkness in the cabin. All around them the hull CREAKS. Under strain. The commodore heads toward the end of the wormhole. Debris flies past the camera. Thor, Val, and Banner all look like they are in extreme pain, as there’s great concern the ship could be torn apart. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 103. EXT. ASGARD - PLAZA - DAY 98A 98A SKURGE ADDRESSES A CROWD OF ASGARDIANS. HELA BEHIND HIM leaning against FENRIS, her GIANT WOLF. SKURGE Asgardians, some misguided soul has stolen the Bifrost sword. Tell us where it is, or there will be consequences. Bad ones. We are now in the smoking ruins of Asgard. 100+ Asgardians have been forced to line in a large piazza, all exhausted, all scared. Patrolling the perimeter are Hela’s Butchers. SKURGE (CONT’D) Well? Hela points to an Asgardian woman off camera. HELA You. Hela’s butchers approach the crowd and find the Asgardian woman. Skurge closes his eyes and looks downward. ASGARDIAN CITIZENS No! Stop! Hela’s butchers pull the Asgardian woman to the steps. They shove her and she falls tot he floor. The woman is on her hands and knees as Skurge turns to her. She trembles as Skurge holds his battle axe with both hands. HELA Well? Executioner? ASGARDIAN MAN Wait! I know where the sword is. EXT. THE DEVIL’S ANUS WORMHOLE - DAY 99 99 The Commodore nears the end of the wormhole and is- -SPIT OUT into the calmness of outer space. OMITTED 100 100 BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 104. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS 101 101 Banner, Thor, and Valkyrie are all unconscious. Banner wakes up and looks outside, the stars reflected in the windshield. Thor and Valkyrie wake up. Outside they see- -THE REALM OF ASGARD, a flat city in the middle of an island floating in space. VALKYRIE (mixed emotions) I never thought I’d be back here. The ship descends into the clouds above Asgard. BANNER I thought it’d be nicer. I mean, not that it’s not nice. It’s just, it’s on fire. THE SHIP CLEARS THE CLOUDS TO REVEAL- -ASGARD IN RUINS. A DEVASTATED GHOST TOWN. FIRES, WRECKED BUILDINGS, DEAD SOLDIERS. IT LOOKS LIKE ALL HOPE IS LOST. VALKYRIE Here, up here in the mountains. A projected map on the console shows the mountain where the stronghold is located. There is a red dot in the mountain, indicating where the Asgardian citizens are. VALKYRIE (CONT’D) Heat signatures. People clustered together. Hela’s coming for them. THOR Okay, drop me off at the palace and I’ll draw her away. VALKYRIE And get yourself killed? THOR The people trapped down there are all that matters. While I’m dealing with Hela, I need you two to help get everyone off Asgard. BANNER How the hell are we supposed to do that? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 105. THOR I have a man on the ground. INT. ASGARD/STRONGHOLD - DAY 101A 101A Heimdall looks to the Asgardian Citizens. HEIMDALL Asgard. She’s here. EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY 109 109 Valkyrie is helping Thor load a MASSIVE ASGARDIAN BLASTER into the side of the Commodore. THOR Now the ship has guns. VALKYRIE I’ll take it from here. Thor produces a bundle of FABRIC WITH GOLD AND WHITE PLATING. THOR I found this in the armory. Val immediately recognizes its significance. She doesn’t want to be affected by this gesture, but can’t help it. They share a look as the Commodore lifts off into the air. Before she’s out of earshot, Val calls down: VALKYRIE “Your majesty.” Don’t die. You know what I mean. The Commodore flies away, leaving Thor on the balcony. INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 109A 109A Thor’s footsteps ECHO through the empty space. He sees the items from the vault scattered beside the throne. Thor sees a chunk of plaster from the dismantled fresco. He picks it up and sees that this piece of fresco bears a portion of his own face. Thor then looks up, off camera. His eyes go wide. He looks up at the ceiling where his painting used to be and finds the original which depicts Odin and Hela conquering the nine realms, with Hela’s butchers all around them. Hela holds Mjolnir. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 106. OMITTED 106 106 EXT. ASGARD - MOUNTAIN RAVINE - DAY 107 107 Hela, cowl & headdress on, stands with Skurge outside of the mountain stronghold where Heimdall is hiding the refugees. Hela raises her arms and FIRES LONG THIN BLACK LANCES, which BURROW into crevices on the mountainside. From here, we TILT UP, looking straight at the sky. With the lances in place, Hela bears down. Summoning all her focus and energy, she begins to VIBRATE this manifestation of her powers, PUNCTURING crevices and splitting rock apart. The whole mountain begins to RUMBLE. OMITTED 108 108 EXT. ASGARD - MOUNTAIN STRONGHOLD - SAME 110 110 CRACK! Hela RIPS OPEN THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN! There is an avalanche of rock and debris. The mountain around the doors completely destroyed, the doors fall across the ravine, creating a bridge for Hela and Skurge. Hela waits patiently for the dust to settle and sees- -an empty stronghold. No sign of Heimdall or the refugees. EXT. SECRET MOUNTAIN PATH - SAME 111 111 Heimdall leads the migration of refugees out the other side of the mountain onto a secluded mountain path. HEIMDALL We must keep moving! Go to the Bifrost! INT. COMMODORE - DUSK 112 112 Banner flies the Commodore out across the city. Val puts on her gloves, cuff on her forearm, boots, and breastplate. She grabs her dragonfang sword and puts it at her side. Val mans the Blaster, and we see that she’s changed into the CLASSIC WHITE & GOLD VALKYRIE ARMOR (Thor’s gift). Bad ass. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 107. EXT. MOUNTAIN STRONGHOLD - DUSK 113 113 Hela is about to throttle Skurge when- -A LOUD GONG SOUND. It’s coming from far away, but the deep note resonates across the land. GONG-GONG-GONG-GONG! Hela looks to the Palace, her eyes narrowing with rage. INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 114 114 Find Thor on the throne holding GUNGNIR - THE KING’S SPEAR, Odin’s signature spear. SLAMMING the butt of it on the ground. GONG...GONG... Hela steps into the throne room. Headdress & cowl off. Thor stops the GONGING when he sees Hela. THOR Sister. Smiling, Hela gradually crosses the huge space towards Thor. HELA You’re still alive. THOR I love what you’ve done with the place. Redecorating, I see. HELA It seems our father’s solution to every problem was to cover it up. THOR Or to cast it out. (then:) He told you you were worthy. He said the same thing to me. Angle on Hela in the frescos, fighting with Mjolnir. HELA You see, you never knew him, not at his best. (nostalgic sigh) Odin and I drowned entire civilizations in blood and tears. Where do you think all this gold came from? And then one day he decided to become a benevolent king. (MORE) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 108. To foster peace, to protect life. (with teeth) To have you. THOR I understand why you’re angry. And you are my sister, and technically have a claim to the throne. And believe me, I would love for someone else to rule. But it can’t be you. You’re just...the worst. Hela puts on her headdress. HELA Okay, get up. You’re in my seat. THOR (standing up) You know, Father once told me that a wise king never seeks out war. HELA But must always be ready for it. They CHARGE each other. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - SAME 115 115 Heimdall leads the refugees out onto the bridge. But then he stops. Sensing something. At the far end of the bridge is FENRIS! The massive war wolf is guarding the observatory! HEIMDALL Go back! The refugees turn to retreat. Fenris CHARGES! GUNFIRE FROM ABOVE! The Commodore swoops onto the scene, Valkyrie manning the blaster and FIRING on Fenris, who stops his charge. As the refugees retreat, they come to a stop because... ...SKURGE IS LEADING AN ARMY OF BUTCHERS BEHIND THEM! Heimdall and the refugees are now trapped on the bridge between Fenris and Skurge! HELA (CONT'D) BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 109. INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 116 116 Hela and Thor fight, Hela wielding twin black blades. They CLASH and Thor BLOCKS an attack with Gungnir. They are face to face, Hela glaring at Thor. HELA To be honest, I expected more. Hela DISARMS him, sending Gungnir CLATTERING across the room. Hela strikes out sending Thor FLYING hard into a wall. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - SAME 117 117 Hela’s butchers stand behind Skurge. SKURGE Heimdall! The sword! The Butcher army CHARGES Val and Banner hold the remaining Butchers off with GUNFIRE. Heimdall is looking toward the palace, concern for Thor. But his attention soon goes back to protecting the mass of humanity behind him. He looks out to the Observatory HEIMDALL We must cross now! To Bi-Frost! Heimdall leads the refugees out onto the bridge. INT. THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUS 118 118 Hela PINS thor against the wall. HELA Here’s the difference between us. I’m Odin’s firstborn, the rightful heir, the savior of Asgard. (beat) And you’re nothing. Hela PROJECTS a large spiked lance, Thor barely rolls out of the way before it PUNCTURES the wall. Thor HEADBUTTS Hela. It does nothing. Hela responds with her own HEADBUTT. It does a lot. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 110. HELA (CONT’D) So simple. Even a blind man could see it. Hela RAKES a black-clawed hand across Thor’s face. In doing so, she RIPS OUT ONE OF HIS EYES! HELA (CONT’D) Now you remind me of Dad. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - SAME 119 119 Asgardians CLASH with Hela’s Butchers. Valkyrie keeps raining down fire on Fenris, but it is doing no real damage. Just pissing the wolf off. Fenris shakes off the bullets and resumes CHARGING. Heimdall sees Fenris charging and steps out in front of the refugees with his sword, preparing for the worst. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - SAME 120 120 Valkyrie gives up shooting. VALKYRIE This stupid dog won’t die! Banner looks down at the carnage below. Makes a decision. He gets up and heads for the bay doors. BANNER Everything’s going to be okay. I got this. You want to know who I am? VALKYRIE What the hell are you talking about? BANNER You’ll see. Banner LEAPS out of the ship! BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 111. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 121 121 Banner soars through the air. It’s an awe-inspiring image as we follow Banner’s trajectory downwards. His face is determined, arms churning, ready to Hulk out... ...except it doesn’t happen. Worry washes over his face. SPLAT! Banner FACEPLANTS on the bridge, seeming to break every bone in his body. He looks dead. Pause. Fenris SNIFFS him curiously. We notice one vein on Banner’s neck PUMPING GREEN. Then- -Banner suddenly EXPLODES UP as THE INCREDIBLE HULK, UPPER- CUTTING Fenris in the jaw! Hulk is now in a wrestling match with a beast four times his size - the two of them go TUMBLING into the water below. EXT. PALACE BALCONY - SAME 122 122 Hela has Thor by the throat. She lifts him up to look over the balcony’s ledge. HELA You see? No one’s going anywhere. (then:) I’ll get that sword even if I have to kill every single one of them to do it. Thor looks down. Distraught. Heartsick. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 123 123 Val pilots the Commodore towards the battle on the city side of the bridge. Skurge’s battlion of Butchers surge forward- -BOOM! Val LANDS the Commodore on top of them, SKIDDING across the bridge, CRUSHING the front line of the Butchers, and KNOCKING Skurge aside. The impact triggers the party function, setting off PARTY MUSIC and a FIREWORKS DISPLAY. Val emerges from the ship in full battle mode. Behind her, the Commodore FIREWORKS provide a spectacular HERO BACKDROP. She draws DRAGONFANG and smiles as Butchers begin swarming towards her. She is where she needs to be. Meanwhile, the Asgardians huddle together, packed so tight that some begin to fall off the side of the bridge, loved ones grabbing them and pulling them back up. There’s no hope. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 112. Heimdall FIGHTS off Butchers, but gets KNOCKED DOWN. Just as it looks like he’s about to take a killing blow- -BAM! The Butcher is BLASTED. Korg steps into frame, holding the blaster! KORG Hey man. I’m Korg. This is Miek. Miek steps into frame, waving. KORG (CONT’D) We’re going to jump on that spaceship and get out of here. Want to come? Heimdall is beyond confused, but then... a LOUD NOISE. Hela looks down to see- -EMERGING FROM THE THICK LOW-HANGING FOG IS LOKI! Resplendent in horns, arms spread wide, seeming to float towards the bridge like a mythical angel of mercy. LOKI Your savior is here! The fog dissipates around him, revealing that Loki’s standing on THE GRANDMASTER’S SUPERCRUISER! For reasons that will become clear, we will henceforth call this ship THE ARK. And Loki is not alone. He’s brought along all the prisoners from the Contest of Champions. Armed with gladiator weapons. The Ark slows to a stop at the middle of bridge. [ABOVE] Even with Hela’s hand on his throat, Thor can’t help but smile at the sight of Loki. Hela however sneers. HELA That little shit. [BELOW] Loki and the Sakaarian gladiators JUMP OFF the Ark and onto the bridge, joining the fight against Hela’s forces. LOKI Did you miss me? Everybody on that ship, now. The Asgardian refugees begin POURING onto the ark. The only way onto the Ark is a narrow plankway, so there is an immediate bottleneck effect - thousands of frightened people all pushing for a chance at salvation. It’s mayhem. Loki walks through the crowd to Heimdall. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 113. HEIMDALL Welcome home. I saw you coming. LOKI Of course you did. Loki joins Heimdall and the gladiators in fending off Hela’s encroaching minions. OMITTED 124 124 OMITTED 125 125 EXT. PALACE BALCONY - SAME 126 126 Hela is perturbed, but not enraged. She turns her gaze back to Thor for a final farewell. HELA A valiant effort, but you never stood a chance. Thor looks up from his friends protecting his people as they frenziedly board to Ark to- -the twilight stars coming out over Asgard. There’s a glimmering of stardust in the sky. HELA (CONT’D) You see? I’m not a queen, or a monster. [FLASH] PUSH IN ON ODIN AT THE CLIFFS. HELA (CONT’D) I’m the Goddess of Death. [FLASH] PUSH IN ON ODIN AT THE CLIFFS. HELA (CONT’D) What were you the God of again? As Hela digs two blades into his chest, Thor SCREAMS... And everything goes SILENT. SKY. We PAN DOWN to- BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 114. EXT. CLIFFS - DAY 126A 126A - where we find Thor (dressed and injured as he was on the balcony), back in the sweeping fields where we met Hela for the first time. ODIN (O.S.) Even when you had two eyes you were only seeing half the picture. Thor turns to see his father, sitting where we last saw him. Thor falls to his knees. THOR She’s too strong. Without my hammer I cannot-- ODIN Are you Thor, God of Hammers? Thor looks up, meeting his gaze. ODIN (CONT’D) That hammer helped you control your power, focus it. But it was never the source of your strength. Odin stands, as does Thor. THOR It’s too late. She’s already taken Asgard. ODIN Asgard is not a place. Never has been. (gestures around him) This could be Asgard. It is wherever our people stand. And right now those people need you. Odin turns to go. THOR I’m not as strong as you. ODIN No. You’re stronger. As Odin turns to leave, a SHADOW in the shape of HELA’S HEADDRESS falls across him. He looks up and we are... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 115. EXT. PALACE BALCONY - CONTINUOUS 126B 126B Thor looks up to the sky. She digs the blades deeper into Thor’s chest. He groans in pain. Everything DARKENS as BLACK CLOUDS gather overhead. HELA Tell me brother, what were you the God of again...? CLOSE ON Thor’s clenched fist, small arcs of electricity forming. -THE LOUDEST CRACK OF THUNDER YOU’VE EVER HEARD! In an instant, Thor and Hela are ENGULFED in a bolt of lightning!! KA-BOOM! Hela is BLASTED OUT of the lightning and sent CRASHING into the streets of Asgard. Her costume is tattered, the black extensions of her power hanging off her body in some places. She appears to be unconscious! All around Asgard, EVERYONE looks up at this massive strike. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE (OBSERVATORY SIDE) - CONTINUOUS 127 127 BOOM! Thor LANDS HARD on his feet. Muscles swollen, veins pulsing with electricity. A living storm. Thor DIVES INTO THE FRAY. He moves like a bolt of lightning, SURGING through the army of Butchers in quick SLASHING JOLTS. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE (CITY SIDE) - SAME 128 128 Valkyrie CHARGES into the ocean of Butchers. Wielding Dragonfang, backlit by the POPS of fireworks. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE (HERO SHOT) - CONTINUOUS 129 129 Moving across the entire epic battle. On the city side, Valkyrie CUTS A SWATHE through the relentless onslaught of Butchers. Heavy damage. At the middle of the bridge, Heimdall helps load the fleeing Asgardians onto the Ark. Within the melee are Loki, Korg and the Sakaarians. Loki SLASHES through Butchers wielding his two long daggers. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 116. In the water below, Hulk and Fenris WRESTLE in an colossal clash of FISTS, CLAWS, and TEETH. Beyond that, Thor is wielding electrified weapons and BLASTING entire packs of Butchers off the bridge! Lost in the chaos is Skurge, who sees the tides turning. He throws down his axe and blends into the crowd. OMITTED 130 130 OMITTED 131 131 EXT. ASGARD - WATER BELOW - CONTINUOUS 132 132 Fenris has Hulk in his mouth, underwater. Trying to drown the green goliath! Fenris’ teeth PUNCTURE Hulk’s skin. He BELLOWS, THRASHING. Hulk winds up and SLAMS Fenris in the snout! Fenris snaps back, revealing that- -THEY’VE REACHED THE REALM’S EDGE! Fenris is knocked off, plummeting off of Asgard into space. Hulk grabs hold of the slippery rocks, desperately trying to climb back as water pours down on him. OMITTED A133 A133 EXT. THE ARK - SAME 133 133 Asgardians continue RUSHING onto the ship. In the crowd we find Skurge! He’s thrown a cloak over himself and is sneaking in amongst the refugees. OMITTED 134 134 OMITTED 135 135 OMITTED 136 136 OMITTED 137 137 OMITTED 138 138 BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 117. OMITTED 139 139 EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS A140 A140 Our heroes have drastically thinned down the herd of Butchers. It’s pandemonium. The Ark’s engines are deafening, but you can still hear the sound of terrified people SCREAMING. Thor helps Loki to his feet. THOR You’re late. LOKI You’re missing an eye. Valkyrie finishes off a handful of enemies, but then notices something. She WHISTLES to get the others’ attention. VALKYRIE This isn’t over. All around the bridge, our heroes look to see- -Hela arriving at the far side of bridge. She is seething with power, a vision of death. Having just come out of this huge battle, they are all weary and nursing injuries. Loki and Val are hurting worse than Thor. Hela walks towards them. Menacing and deliberate. Thor, Loki, and Val step forward to protect the Asgardians. They huddle together. THOR I think we should disband the Revengers. LOKI Hit her with a lightning blast. THOR I just hit her with the biggest lightning blast in the history of lightning. It did nothing. VALKYRIE We need to hold her off until everybody’s on board. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 118. Thor looks at the people boarding behind him. THOR It won’t end there. The longer Hela’s on Asgard the more powerful she grows. She’ll hunt us down. We need to stop her here and now. VALKYRIE What’s our move? LOKI I’m not doing “Get help.” Thor sees Hela approaching. He sees the palace behind her. He comes to a realization. THOR Asgard’s not a place, it’s a people. (then) This was never about stopping Ragnarok...it was about causing Ragnarok. (to Loki:) Go to the vault. Surtur’s crown. It’s the only way. LOKI (impressed) Bold move, brother. Even for me. Loki runs off, leaving Thor and Val to deal with Hela. THOR Shall we? VALKYRIE After you. Thor ATTACKS. They CLASH, kicking off this monumental confrontation. Hela manifests pitch black weapons to attack Thor, but Thor is conjuring powerful bolts of electricity with the same speed and ferocity. Just as Thor is surging with newfound lightning powers, Hela’s powers seem to be enhanced as well. The battle is relentless and fast-paced. Thor is holding his own against Hela. Maybe they can win this thing. After several fearsome exchanges, Hela PUNCTURES his shoulder and then DARTS past him with startling speed. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 119. Undeterred, Thor RUSHES Hela again. Valkyrie joins in, forcing Hela to fight them both. EXT. THE ARK - SAME BB140 BB140 While the Asgardians still scramble to get on board above- -find the Commodore ship, swooping down below the bridge. INT. COMMODORE SHIP - CONTINUOUS BC140 BC140 Find Loki in the pilot’s seat. LOKI This is madness. The ship ACCELERATES towards the palace of Asgard. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS BD140 BD140 Thor continues FIGHTING Hela while Valkyrie BLOCKS Hela’s attempts to spear the Asgardians from afar. Hela isn’t landing any fatal blows, but she’s carving Thor up and making steady progress towards the Ark. However, the Asgardian refugees finally make it aboard. An injured Heimdall, Korg, and Miek are the last to get on. Thor and Heimdall make eye contact. Thor calls out: THOR GO! GO NOW! As the Ark’s engines begin to POWER UP- -Hela HARPOONS Thor. He goes down, grimacing in pain. Hela begins to CONJURE AN ENORMOUS MANIFESTATION OF HER POWERS, A GIANT BLACK SPIKE FROM THE BEDROCK OF ASGARD THAT STABS THE ARK AND PREVENTS IT FROM LEAVING! Butchers begin to scramble up onto the Ark! OMITTED B140 B140 EXT. ARK - CONTINUOUS BE140 BE140 The refugees REACT IN TERROR as the Butchers begin CLIMBING from the bridge to the Ark. In the frightened crowd we find- BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 120. -Skurge, still cloaked. He sees innocent Asgardians huddled together, trying to protect their families. He's having a crisis of conscience. An epiphany. OMITTED C140 C140 OMITTED D140 D140 INT. ODIN’S VAULT - SAME E140 E140 LOKI rushes in and picks up Surtur’s skull. As he walks towards the Eternal Flame, The Tesseract draws his attention. Tempting him. EXT. THE ARK - CONTINUOUS F140 F140 The first wave of Butchers arrives on board, heading straight for a cowering family. Just as they’re about to be killed-- POW! POW! POW! The Butchers fall dead. Everyone turns to see SKURGE, now uncloaked, wielding his two M-16s from Texas. SKURGE For Asgard. Skurge runs forward, LEAPS off the Ark, and LANDS on the bridge right where all the Butchers are coming to life. BLASTING AWAY the Butchers before they can get aboard. Behind Skurge, the Ark begins to LIFT OFF. Skurge keeps FIRING and then- SKURGE (CONT’D) HELA! Hela turns to see Skurge blasting his way through her Butchers, trying to make his way to her. Disappointed, Hela FIRES a blade through Skurge’s heart. Skurge has been killed... ...but the Ark now ASCENDS unfettered. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 121. INT. ODIN’S VAULT - SAME 140 140 LOKI places Surtur’s skull in the Eternal Flame. LOKI With the Eternal Flame, you are reborn. As the fire CRACKLES, Surtur’s skull begins to GROW. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS 141 141 Hela has Val in her clutches, but her focus is on the aftermath of Skurge’s last stand and the Ark’s subsequent escape. She’s furious, about to unleash hell when- THOR (O.S.) HELA! Enough! Hela turns to see Thor, having yanked out the harpoon... ...and it looks like he’s laying down his sword! THOR (CONT’D) You want Asgard? It’s yours. HELA Whatever game you’re playing, it won’t work. You can’t defeat me. THOR No, but he can. KA-BOOM! EXPLODING through the roof of the palace is SURTUR! This is a different Surtur than the opening. He is slowly but steadily GROWING in size, and he carries with him a massive flaming sword, which GROWS as well. Surtur’s arrival literally SHAKES the bedrock of Asgard, causing FISSURES to spiderweb all around him, and DISLODGING some of the foundation on the bridge and around the palace. Hela’s eyes go wide. She wasn’t expecting this. HELA No...NO! OMITTED A142 A142 BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 122. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS B142 B142 In the background the Ark continues its ascent, now high up above the city. Hela’s attention is on Surtur as the palace COLLAPSES around him. So she is unprepared for- -SHLNK! Mustering up all her remaining strength, Val DRIVES Dragonfang through Hela’s chest, effectively PINNING her to the bridge. Refocused on Val, Hela goes to deliver a death blow when- -Thor BOLTS forward! He PULLS Val from Hela’s clutches. Thor turns and FIRES LIGHTNING INTO DRAGONFANG, which DISLODGES the section of the bridge that Hela is pinned to! The ground beneath Hela BREAKS FREE and she goes FALLING down into the expanding fissure in Asgard’s bedrock. Badly injured, Thor and Valkyrie look up to see- -Surtur INCREASING in size, now towering over the palace. SURTUR Tremble before me Asgard, for I am your reckoning! Surtur swings his sword, destroying an entire city block. THOR and VALKYRIE look up. VALKYRIE The people are safe. That’s all that matters. THOR We’re fulfilling the prophecy. VALKYRIE I hate this prophecy. THOR So do I, but we have no choice. In the background, Hulk hops up onto the bridge. Looks around, zeroing in on Surtur. SURTUR Surtur destroys Asgard, he destroys Hela so that our people can live. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 123. Hulk CHARGES behind them, still unseen by Thor and Val. THOR We need to let him finish... (finally sees Hulk) No! HULK LEAPS UP AND LANDS ONTO SURTUR’S FACE and begins POUNDING the fire giant with furious punches! THOR (CONT’D) Hulk no! Stop it you moron!! It’s not doing much damage, but the shock of it plus Hulk’s impact makes Surtur take a destructive step back. Hulk is trying to rip out one of Surtur’s horns when Surtur reaches up and GRABS HIM with a giant fiery hand. Surtur HURLS Hulk away from him. Sends him CRASHING DOWN. Hulk stumbles to his feet, dazed and SMOKING. After gathering his bearings, Hulk gets REALLY ANGRY and heads back towards Surtur for round two, but- THOR (CONT’D) Hulk, just for once in your life, don’t smash! HULK But...big Monster. VALKYRIE Hulk! Let’s go. Hulk stops. Looking between Surtur and Thor & Val. This is a real Sophie’s Choice for Hulk. On the one hand, he really wants to kill that thing. On the other hand... HULK Friends. Hulk PICKS UP Thor and Valkyrie. He then squats down, and- -LEAPS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT! The trio SHOOTS UP into the night sky like a rocket blasting off. Their trajectory is heading right at the Ark as it reaches the lower orbit of Asgard. EXT. ARK - PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS 142 142 Hulk lands gently, as though he were stepping out of bed. He casually DROPS Thor and Val, both exhausted. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 124. EXT. ASGARD - SAME 143 143 A bird’s eye view shows TOTAL CARNAGE AND MADNESS on Asgard. Surtur has grown to EXTINCTION LEVEL SCALE. SLASHING AWAY at the landscape below, when suddenly- -A MASSIVE BLACK SPIKE EXPLODES FROM THE WATER AND SLAMS INTO SURTUR’S CHEST! From beneath the water, Hela EXPLODES back onto the scene, riding a huge spiked manifestation of her powers. She’s going for Surtur. ATTACKING with all her might. Surtur winds up, holding his sword above his head. SURTUR I am Asgard’s doom!! True to his word, Surtur fulfills his destiny and- -DRIVES HIS SWORD THROUGH HELA AND INTO THE HEART OF ASGARD! INT. THE ARK - MAIN CABIN - SAME 144 144 Everyone watches as Surtur drives his sword through Asgard. KORG The damage is not too bad. As long as the foundations are strong, we can rebuild this place. It will become a haven for all people and aliens of the universe... When the fiery sword touches the crystalline base of Asgard there is a VIOLENT DETONATION OF ENERGY! A CATACLYSMIC EARTHQUAKE! The entire realm is SPLIT IN TWO! In an instant, Thor’s home is BLOWN TO PIECES. Asgard is gone. KORG (CONT’D) Nope, those foundations are gone. Sorry. Stay on Thor as he processes the decisions he’s made. THOR What have I done? BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 125. Heimdall joins him. HEIMDALL You saved us from extinction. Asgard is not a place, it’s a people. EXT. SPACE - INDETERMINATE TIME 145 145 The Ark cruises among the chaos that once was Asgard. INT. THE ARK - CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS 146 146 Thor looks at his reflection in a mirror. His wounds are bandaged, including his now missing eye. His armor is clean. Thor takes a beat, as though trying to get used to the sight of the man looking back at him. LOKI (O.S.) It suits you. Thor turns to reveal Loki standing by the door. A smile. THOR Perhaps you’re not so bad after all, brother. LOKI Maybe not. THOR Thank you, Loki. Thor picks up a soap dish. THOR (CONT’D) And if you were here, I might even give you a hug. Thor THROWS the dish at Loki. Loki catches it. LOKI Do we have to hug now? Thor smiles. OMITTED 147 147 OMITTED 148 148 BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 126. EXT. THE ARK - SPACE A149 A149 The giant cruiseliner is gliding through space, the twinkling of stars all around it. INT. THE ARK - MAIN DECK 149 149 Thor steps out onto the main deck to see an assembly of both Asgardian and Sakaarian refugees awaiting their King. Thor looks over his people and begins to walk through the crowd. His subjects part, allowing him through. It is the antithesis of the opening coronation from the first THOR movie. The people aren’t cheering and lauding him, but rather they are smiling. Humbly bowing. Grateful. And Thor isn’t acting arrogant. Not trying to show off any swagger. He is stately. A contemplative and dignified king. At the end of the procession, Hulk, Loki, Valkyrie, and Heimdall stand next to the CAPTAIN’S CHAIR. VALKYRIE Your throne. Pause. Reluctant acceptance. Thor sits down. Flanking him on opposite sides are Valkyrie and Heimdall. Behind/towering above them is the Hulk. Loki joins them. HEIMDALL So, King of Asgard. Thor turns around to see THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE staring back, silently awaiting word from their new King. Now feeling the true weight of the crown, Thor takes a moment... and then: HEIMDALL (CONT’D) Where to? THOR I’m not sure. Any suggestions? Miek, what’s your home planet? Angle on Korg, who is holding Miek (sans robot exoskeleton). KORG Oh, Miek’s dead. I accidentally stepped on him on the bridge, I’ve just felt so guilty I’ve been carrying him around all day... BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 127. Miek WRIGGLES to life. Korg lights up. KORG (CONT’D) Miek, you’re alive! He’s alive everyone! What was your question? Thor looks forward, taking charge of this one. THOR Earth it is. CUT TO BLACK. THE END. INT. THE ARK - DAY TAG TAG THOR and LOKI look out the window. LOKI Do you really think it’s a good idea to go back to Earth? THOR Sure! They love me there. LOKI [Let me rephrase] Do you really think it’s a good idea to bring me back to Earth? Thor smiles, getting it. Pats Loki on the shoulder. THOR Probably not. But don’t worry, brother...I’ve got a feeling that everything’s going to work out. Then through the window, they see- -THE MASSIVE FORM OF SANCTUARY-2, THANOS’ WARSHIP approaching. EXT. THE ARK - SAME TAG1 TAG1 A wider view allows us to see all of Sanctuary-2, dwarfing the Ark in size. END. BLUE DRAFT 05/20/16 128.

{"title": "Thor: Ragnarok"}

marvel/pdunton

THOR Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, & Don Payne FADE IN: On the blackness of SPACE, beautiful and mysterious, strewn with a billion stars. Atop a building, a wrought-iron sign -- a HAMMER-WIELDING BLACKSMITH -- spins listlessly in the wind as a swirling breeze kicks up. A hint of what's to come. EXT. PUENTE ANTIGUO, NEW MEXICO - NIGHT 1 1 1 A main street extends before us in this one-horse town, set amid endless flat, arid scrubland. A large SUV slowly moves down the street and heads out of town. EXT. SUV - NIGHT 2 2 2 The SUV sits parked in the desert. Suddenly, the roof panels of the SUV FOLD OPEN. The underside of the panels house a variety of hand-built ASTRONOMICAL DEVICES, which now point at the sky. JANE FOSTER (late 20's) pops her head through the roof. She positions a MAGNETOMETER, so its monitor calibrates with the constellations above. It appears to be cobbled together from spare parts of other devices. JANE Hurry! We hear a loud BANG followed by muffled CURSING from below. Jane offers a hand down to ERIK SELVIG (60) who emerges as well, rubbing his head. JANE (CONT'D) Oh-- watch your head. SELVIG Thanks. So what's this "anomaly"¬ù of yours supposed to look like? JANE It's a little different each time. Once it looked like, I don't know, melted stars, pooling in a corner of the sky. But last week it was a rolling rainbow ribbon-- SELVIG (GENTLY TEASING) "Racing "Àúround Orion?"¬ù I've always said you should have been a poet. Jane reigns in her excitement. She tries for dignity. JANE Hey, Darcy. Pass up the bubbly and my gloves, will you? (MORE) Intern DARCY LEWIS (20) hands Jane a bottle of Champagne and a pair of gloves through the window. Jane passes it to Selvig to hold while she pulls on the old gloves -- too large and masculine for her small hands. He starts to unwrap the foil, and she stops his hand with an excited grin. JANE (CONT'D) Not until you see it! SELVIG (re: the gloves) I recognize those. Think how proud he'd be to see you now. Jane's grin fades to a sad smile. JANE Thank you. SELVIG For what? JANE The benefit of the doubt. The two stare out at the sky expectantly. A long beat while they scan the skies. Nothing. Jane's worried. JANE (CONT'D) It's never taken this long before. Darcy calls up from the front seat. DARCY (O.S.) Can I turn on the radio? JANE (an edge to her voice) Sure, if you like rocking out to KFRM, "All agriculture, all the time."¬ù Worried, Jane heads back down into the vehicle. INT. SUV - NIGHT 3 3 3 The SUV is bathed in the glow of high-tech monitoring equipment and laptops, some looking like they're held together with duct tape. Jane opens a well-worn NOTEBOOK of handwritten notes and calculations. Selvig watches the frustrated Jane with sympathy. JANE (CONT'D) 2. JANE The anomalies are always precipitated by geomagnetic storms. She shows him a complicated CHART she's drawn in the book, tracking occurrences and patterns. JANE (CONT'D) The last seventeen occurrences have been predictable to the minute... I just don't understand. Something catches Darcy's eye out the driver's side mirror. She adjusts it. In the distance, ODD GLOWING CLOUDS form in the skies over the Northeastern end of the desert. DARCY Jane? Jane SHUSHES her, leafs through her notes. The bottle of champagne begins to vibrate. JANE There's got to be some new variable... Or an equipment malfunction... The lights and equipment in the SUV begin to FLICKER around them. The computer monitors SQUELCH with static. DARCY I don't think there's anything wrong with your equipment... The champagne bottle starts to RATTLE noisily now as it shakes more violently. Jane and Selvig notice. They watch it curiously, pressure building up inside it, when the cork EXPLODES out of it. Champagne goes spewing everywhere -- over equipment, over Jane. DARCY (CONT'D) Jane? JANE What?! DARCY I think you want to see this. Darcy points out the window. Jane and Selvig look out. Over the desert -- 3. MASSIVE CLOUDS OF RAINBOW LIGHT Churn in the sky. The three stare, dumbfounded. JANE Holy. Shatner. SELVIG That's your "subtle"¬ù aurora?! JANE No-- yes! Let's go! EXT. DESERT - MOMENTS LATER 4 4 4 The roof panels still open, the SUV races towards the strange event, Jane, amazed by the sight, stands with half her body out the roof, taking video of the light storm before them. The SUV hits a bump. Jane nearly flies out. Selvig grabs her, yanks her back in. INT. SUV 5 5 5 Jane grins, thrilled, pumped with adrenaline. JANE Isn't this great?! A thought strikes her. JANE (CONT'D) You're seeing it too, right? I'm not crazy? SELVIG That's debateable. Put your seat belt on! The SUV lurches. EXT. DESERT 6 6 6 Winds HOWL around the SUV now. Up ahead, spiraling down from out of the clouds comes -- AN ENORMOUS TORNADO Suffuse with the strange rainbow light, ROARING like a thousand freight trains as it touches down. INT. SUV 7 7 7 Selvig looks up through the still-open sunroof at the enormous glowing funnel cloud with wonder. 4. Jane clambers into the front seat, beside Darcy. She leans way out the window, TAPING the storm. JANE You've gotta get us closer so I can take a magnetic reading. Darcy laughs. DARCY Yeah, right! Good one! (then, realizing) Oh God, you're serious... JANE You want those college credits or not? EXT. SUV 8 8 8 The SUV tears across a field towards the tornado, Jane leaning out the window, taping the event. The SUV disturbs two RAVENS perched on a cactus as they race past. The birds take flight, when -- KRAKABOOM! A huge BOLT OF LIGHTNING strikes down through the center of the funnel cloud before them with a terrifying intensity. INT. SUV 9 9 9 The SUV rocks from the blast. Darcy's had enough. She turns the wheel, starts to head away. DARCY Keep the credits. I'll intern at Burger King. JANE What are you doing?! DARCY Saving our lives! Jane grabs the wheel, jerks it hard the other way. They struggle for control, when the headlights fall on -- A MAN Directly in their path, stumbling through the winds. Darcy slams on the brakes, Jane turns the wheel hard to avoid him. The SUV swerves - - but too late. 5. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) 10 10 10 The side of the SUV slams into the man with a THUD, sending him flying. The car SKIDS to a stop. INT. SUV 11 11 11 Jane, Darcy, and Selvig trade shocked looks, breathing hard. They peer through the dust clouds, unable to see through. A paralyzed moment, then they all leap out of the car. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) 12 12 12 The three race from the SUV with flashlights. Jane spots the man lying on the ground. He's dressed in tattered clothing, charred and blackened. DARCY I think that was legally your fault. JANE Get the first aid kit. Darcy heads back inside the SUV as Jane, concerned, kneels next to the man. Selvig hovers, protectively. She gently turns his head to the light, and we see him clearly for the first time. He is magnificently handsome, long blonde hair flowing around his classically sculpted features. She cups her hands around his face, as if willing the life back into him. JANE (CONT'D) Come on, big guy. Do me a favor and don't be dead, okay? Open your eyes and look at me. Suddenly, he GROANS, and she's startled, then relieved, as his eyes flutter open. She looks deep into his confused, azure eyes, which at last focus on her own. Locking onto them. For a moment, they each forget to breathe. The connection is broken as Darcy returns with the kit. She freezes when she sees how gorgeous the man is. DARCY Wow. Does he need CPR? Because I know CPR. 6. A flustered Jane smooths her hair and sits back on her heels. She looks up at Selvig. Back to being a scientist. JANE HIS EYES-- DARCY (DREAMILY) --are beautiful. JANE --are dilating. That's a good sign. SELVIG We still have to get him to a hospital. JANE (HOPEFULLY) After we get a reading on the storm? SELVIG Immediately, Jane. Jane sighs and nods, regretfully watching the storm EVAPORATE above their heads. A thought strikes her. JANE Where did he come from? They exchange puzzled looks, as we move up through the last glowing remnants of the storm, and into: EXT. SPACE 13 13 13 EARTH spins slowly before us as we hear a voice, deep and resonant -- the voice of HEIMDALL, Gatekeeper of Asgard. HEIMDALL (V.O.) Questions, they've always asked questions -- this race called man, on this planet they call earth. Passionately longing to know how they are connected to the heavens. We pull away from the planet, widening, past other worlds, cosmic debris -- leaving first our solar system, then our galaxy. HEIMDALL (V.O.) In ages past, they looked to us as gods, for indeed so many times we saved them from calamity. (MORE) 7. We tried to show them how their world was but one of the Nine Realms of the Cosmos, linked to all others by the branches of Yggdrasil... We pull back until we see it -- YGGDRASIL. Immense, sprawling, like a quasar or a nebula twisted into the vague shape of a TREE, its branches of glowing energy stretching out into the black void of space. HEIMDALL (V.O.) ...the Worlds Tree. Nine Realms in a universe of wonder, beauty, and terror that they barely comprehended. We move in through Yggdrasil, until we reach what looks like a galaxy, slowly spinning before us. HEIMDALL (V.O.) But for all their thirst for knowledge, they let our lessons fall into myth and dreams. Where did he come from? He came from us, the proudest race of warriors the Worlds have ever seen. He came from this -- the greatest Realm the universe has ever known. We move through the galaxy's mists and astral matter, then over and up, through a band of prismatic color to reveal what's on the other side: HEIMDALL (V.O.) (CONT'D) He came... from Asgard! EXT. ASGARD - DAY 14 14 14 Beautiful beyond imagination. We fly over the magnificent landscape of the Realm, through the gleaming capital city, modern yet timeless. EXT. ODIN'S PALACE - DAY 15 15 15 The palace rises countless stories tall, gleaming with an other-worldly majesty, towering high above the Realm sprawled out before it. We move towards a large window of the palace, where a FIGURE HEIMDALL (V.O.) (CONT'D) 8. STANDS -- ODIN ALLFATHER Stares out at his kingdom. The ravens fly up to the balcony, land at his side. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 16 16 16 Odin turns away from the window. His wife FRIGGA sits at a vanity and tries different earrings before the mirror. ODIN Do you think he's ready? FRIGGA He thinks he is. He has his father's confidence. ODIN He'll need his father's wisdom. FRIGGA And his humility? Odin reacts. FRIGGA (CONT'D) Thor won't be alone. Loki will be at his side to give him counsel. Have faith in your sons. ODIN Yes, but Thor's still a boy. He could be a great King... Odin stops, notices HIS HAND SHAKING. It seems to be out of synch temporally with the rest of the world, leaving a trail as it moves. He stares at it determinedly, concentrating, trying to stop the strange event through the force of his sheer will. Finally, the occurrence subsides, his hand normal once more. A worried Frigga covers his hand with her own. ODIN (CONT'D) (QUIETLY) ...if we only had more time. FRIGGA For once, our son needs something we cannot provide. 9. ODIN I can fight it a little longer... FRIGGA No. You've put it off too long! I worry for you. He touches her cheek. ODIN I've destroyed demons and monsters, devastated whole worlds, laid waste to mighty kingdoms, and still you worry for me? FRIGGA Always. ODIN Not today. Now come kiss your king... while I'm still king. He pulls her close, and they kiss. INT. PALACE ANTEROOM - DAY 17 17 17 Directly under the throne room, a gloomily lit hall. Banners hang on either side to form a corridor down the middle of the fire lit room. Giant doors open at one end. A huge figure silhouetted against the bright light beyond walks forward. In slo-mo, we recognize the unmistakable shape of the God of Thunder. Hammer in hand, he reaches the end of a raised platform. An ATTENDANT hands the figure a goblet of wine. He downs it quickly, hurls it towards the fire directly below. THOR Another! The cup smashes, the alcohol causes the fire to glow intensely -- and, for a moment, brightly lit, and seen full length, like a King to be, is THE MIGHTY THOR. He proceeds down stops, past camera, and down the center of the Hall. We follow from behind and see at the other end, massively shadowed on one of the great banners, the shape of two great horns. As Thor approaches, the horn shapes move, and then, from the shadows at the side, emerges LOKI, wearing his horned headpiece. Like Thor, he is dressed for a great ceremony. They stand by a brazier at the foot of steps that lead up to the crowded throne room. LOKI (TO THOR) Nervous, brother? 10. THOR Have you ever known me to be nervous? LOKI There was the time in Nornheim... THOR That wasn't nerves, brother. It was the rage of battle. How else could I have fought my way through a hundred warriors and pulled us out alive? The Attendant approaches with another goblet of wine for Thor. LOKI As I recall, I was the one who veiled us in smoke to ease our escape. THOR Some do battle, others just do tricks. The Attendant stifles a laugh. Loki notices, doesn't like it. He gestures towards the goblet in the Attendant's hand. EELS pour over the sides of the goblet, slithering out and across the terrified Attendant's hand. He SCREAMS, hurls the goblet to the ground. Loki chuckles. THOR (CONT'D) Loki... Loki gestures to the writhing eels on the ground. They turn back to spilled wine, the illusion shattered. THOR (CONT'D) Now that was just a waste of good wine. LOKI Just a bit of fun. (to the Attendant) Right, my friend? The Attendant isn't so sure. Thor dons his EAGLE- WINGED HELMET. LOKI (re: Thor's helmet) Nice feathers. 11. THOR You don't really want to start this again, do you, Cow? LOKI I was being sincere! THOR You're incapable of sincerity. LOKI Am I? He looks his brother in the eye, all pretense lost. LOKI (CONT'D) I've looked forward to this day as long as you have. You're my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you. Thor searches his brother's face, sees no trace of irony. He's either speaking from his heart or he's a very, very good liar. Maybe both. Thor puts an appreciative hand on his brother's shoulder. THOR Thank you. The two brothers take in the moment a beat, then: LOKI Give us a kiss. THOR Stop. Thor makes the final adjustments to his ceremonial wear. THOR (CONT'D) How do I look? LOKI Like a king. They hear the blast of a CEREMONIAL HORN. LOKI (CONT'D) It's time. THOR You go ahead. 12. Loki casts him a wary look. THOR (CONT'D) I'll be along. Go on. Loki heads inside the palace without his brother. INT. ANTECHAMBER - NIGHT 17A 17A 17A VOLSTAGG combs his great beard in preparation for the big event. As he does, he's surprised to find a stray GRAPE stuck in the beard. He pulls it out, looks around, then eagerly pops it into his mouth and gobbles it down. FANDRAL checks his reflection in a mirror, smooths out his moustache, gives himself a dashing smile. A PRETTY MAIDEN holds the mirror before him, as other MAIDENS look on dreamily. FANDRAL Thank you, love. (to the Maidens) FANDRAL (CONT'D) Now who'd like to polish my sword for me? The giddy Maidens eagerly raise their hands. HOGUN stands staring ahead grimly, his hands folded in front of him, amidst the hustle and bustle of the ATTENDANTS and the ceremony preparations going on around him. A HELPFUL ATTENDANT approaches him and starts to polish his armor. Hogun turns his head, gives him a look. Intimidated, the Attendant quickly backs away. From behind, we see a WOMAN IN CEREMONIAL ARMOR take off her SWORD and set it on a table, then her SHIELD, then several HIDDEN DAGGERS and small, yet intimidating WEAPONS. We reveal that it's SIF, looking radiant. She eyes the weapons on the table. SIF (to the weapons) I'll miss you. INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY 18 18 18 Colorful CEREMONIAL BANNERS of the Nine Realms adorn the room, crowded with AESIR and REPRESENTATIVES from across Yggdrasil, all BUZZING with excitement. Thor's COMRADES enter and stride to their place of honor at the front of the hall. They are: THE WARRIORS THREE VOLSTAGG has the girth and strength of a Sumo wrestler, with oversized passions to match. 13. FANDRAL, the consummate swashbuckler, is agile, charismatic, and nattily dressed. HOGUN -- dark, sullen, brooding -- a large MACE slung at his side. With them walks the warrior maiden SIF. She's clad in armor, a shield and sword at her side -- a beauty not to be trifled with. VOLSTAGG I hope this goes quickly. I'm famished. FANDRAL (FEIGNED DISBELIEF) Noooo! VOLSTAGG Are you attached to that pretty face of yours? Because one more word, and you won't be. FANDRAL (to the others) My, we are hungry, aren't we? The others laugh, save Hogun. Fandral turns to him. FANDRAL (CONT'D) Go on, Hogun. Smile. You can do it. Even you, Hogun the Grim. Just one smile. Hogun stares at him grimly. FANDRAL (CONT'D) All right, half a smile. Look, forget the smile, just show some teeth. SIF Fandral, is it true the famous Warriors Three are ready to meet any challenge? FANDRAL Name it, Lady Sif. SIF Keep your mouth shut. INT. VAULT - DAY 19 19 19 Imposing EINHERJAR GUARDS clad in armor, swords at the ready, stand watch inside the massive underground structure beneath the palace. A cold BREEZE blows past them. 14. INT. PALACE ANTEROOM - DAY 19A 19A 19A Thor stands, his fingers nervously drumming the handle of his hammer. Frigga approaches behind him, sees his anxiety. FRIGGA It's all right to be nervous. THOR Why does everyone keep saying that? I'm not nervous! FRIGGA You may be able to fool the rest of ASGARD -- THOR ...but never you. I know. FRIGGA Thor, just remember that you have something even the great Allfather never had. THOR And what is that? FRIGGA Me for a mother. She smiles. FRIGGA (CONT'D) Now don't keep your father waiting. Frigga leaves. INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY 20 20 20 Sif and the Warriors Three still wait before the crowd. Loki and Frigga enter. Loki takes his place at the front of the hall alongside the others. With another blast of the horn, the crowd goes silent as the EINHERJAR HONOR GUARD moves into formation. They part to reveal -- ODIN Sitting atop his throne, clad in full ceremonial armor. He holds his spear GUNGNIR before him. Any trace of weakness in him is gone now. He exudes all the power and majesty of a Ruler of Asgard. Frigga joins him at his side. He looks around the hall, casts a glance over to the Warriors. Thor is nowhere to be seen. Odin looks to Loki. (MORE) 15. Loki shrugs. Odin isn't pleased. A murmur spreads through the crowd. VOLSTAGG (sotto, to Loki) Where is he? LOKI He said he'd be along. Sif realizes the truth, shakes her head in disapproval. VOLSTAGG What? SIF He wants to make an entrance. FANDRAL Well, if he doesn't show up soon, he shouldn't bother. Odin looks like he's ready to feed him to his ravens. LOKI I wouldn't worry. Father will forgive him. He always does. Just then, at the back of the hall, up the steps from the lower level -- MJOLNIR Roars up into the hall, Thor strides cockily into the hall behind it, catching it behind his back. The CROWD erupts in CHEERS. Thor spins his hammer with a flourish, holds it up before the crowd, basking in the moment, relishing the adoration, whipping his audience up into a frenzy. SIF Oh, please. Odin watches from the front, not liking this showy display. INT. VAULT - DAY 21 21 21 As the sound of the cheers echo from above, the odd, cold breeze picks up in the Vault. The Guards rub their limbs to warm themselves. They grow increasingly uneasy, sensing something's not right. ODIN (CONT'D) 16. They exchange a look, then walk the length of the Vault's hallway to its end, where a CASKET sits undisturbed upon a pedestal. LARGE SHADOWS suddenly loom over them. They look up and SHOUT in terror as they raise their weapons. INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY 22 22 22 Thor finishes stirring up the crowd, then reaches the front of the room, kneels on one knee before his mother and father. Frigga casts him an admonishing glance. Thor winks up at her. She can't help but smile. Odin strikes Gungnir upon the ground with a deafening BOOM. The crowd falls silent. Odin speaks with quiet, effortless authority. He raises Gungnir before him. ODIN Gungnir. Its aim is true, its power strong. With it I have defended Asgard and the lives of the innocent across the Nine Realms since the time of the Great Beginning. And though the day has come for a new King to wield his own weapon -- that duty remains the same. Thor Odinson, my heir, my first-born. ODIN (CONT'D) So long entrusted with this mighty hammer, Mjolnir. Forged in the heart of a dying star, from the sacred metal of Uru. Only one may lift it. Only one is worthy. Who wields this hammer commands the lightning and the storm. Its power has no equal -- as a weapon, to destroy, or as a tool, to build. It is a fit companion for a King. INT. VAULT - DAY 23 23 23 The bodies of the Guards are flung to the Vault's floor, now strewn with ice. We don't see their attackers clearly, just catch glimpses of them in the shadows -- but they are large and BLUE-SKINNED. One of the creatures lifts the Casket off its stand and turns to go. But, as they do, the intricate latticework behind the Casket starts to separate and retract, revealing something standing in the shadows behind it. As the creatures walk away, a fiery glow rises behind them. They turn back around. Now it's their turn to SCREAM. INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY 24 24 24 The Ceremony continues. 17. ODIN Today I entrust you with the greatest honor in all the Nine Realms. The sacred throne of Asgard. I have sacrificed much to achieve peace. So, too, must a new generation sacrifice to maintain that peace. Responsibility, duty, honor. These are not merely virtues to which we must aspire. They are essential to every soldier and to every King. The Crowd and the Warriors Three start to shiver and rub their limbs for warmth in the increasingly cold air of the hall. Thor turns back to face his father. Odin looks upon his son with pride. ODIN (CONT'D) Thor Odinson, do you swear to guard the Nine Realms? THOR I swear. ODIN Do you swear to preserve the peace? THOR I swear. ODIN Do you swear to cast aside all selfish ambition and pledge yourself only to the good of all the Realms? Beat. THOR I swear. ODIN Then on this day, I, Odin Allfather, proclaim you-- Odin hesitates, noticing a strange sight before him. ICE creeps across the surface of the large banners around the hall, making an eerie CRACKING sound. Thor, his comrades, and the crowd see it too. 18. ODIN (CONT'D) (REALIZING) Frost giants... The far-off sounds of a BATTLE echo in the depths of the palace below. Sif and the Warriors Three reach for their weapons, as Thor races from the hall. OMITTED SCENE MOVED BELOW 24A 24A 24A OMITTED SCENE COMBINED WITH SCENE 25B BELOW 25 25 25 OMITTED 25A 25A 25A INT. VAULT - DAY 25B 25B 25B Thor enters, then stares shocked at the sight before him. Sif, the Warriors Three, and Loki hurry in behind Thor and stop short. Shattered and melting ICE is strewn about the floor. We don't see the blue-skinned bodies of the Frost Giants clearly, just catch glimpses of their twisted and smoldering remains on the floor. They've just lost a savage battle. Badly. Amidst them, shrouded in shadow, stands the black metal creature, a fiery glow coming from within it. It is THE DESTROYER. It holds the Casket in its hands. SIF The Destroyer. VOLSTAGG (AWED) I thought it was but a legend. Odin steps in behind the Asgardians, as the Destroyer sets the Casket back on its pedestal. It moves back to its post, the faint, FIERY GLOW extinguishes within it. Fandral looks around the Vault, ill at ease. FANDRAL I've never been inside the Vault before. It's said the Tesseract was once held here. VOLSTAGG (AWED) The Tesseract? I thought that was but a legend too! SIF Shush! Odin surveys the destruction. 19. THOR The Jotuns must pay for what they've done! ODIN They have paid with their lives. The Destroyer did its job, and the Casket is safe. All is well. THOR "All is well?!"¬ù They broke into the Weapons Vault! If the Frost Giants had stolen even one of these RELICS-- ODIN But they didn't. THOR I want to know why they-- ODIN (INTERRUPTING) The Casket of Ancient Winters belonged to the Jotuns. They believe it's their birthright. THOR And if you hadn't taken it from them they would have laid waste to all the Nine Realms! ODIN I have a truce with Laufey, the Jotun King. THOR He just broke your truce! We must act! Odin turns to Sif and the Warriors Three. ODIN Leave us. Thor's comrades exit. Odin eyes Thor, as Loki watches. ODIN (CONT'D) And what action would you take? 20. THOR March into Jotunheim as you once did, teach them a lesson, break their spirits so they'll never dare try to cross our borders again! ODIN You're thinking only as a warrior! THOR This was an act of war! ODIN It was the act of but a few, doomed to fail. THOR They got this far! ODIN We will find the breach in our defenses. It will be found, and it will be sealed. THOR As King of Asgard, I would-- ODIN You are not King. Not yet. Thor sees in his father's face that he's pushed this as far as he can. He backs away, then leaves, pushing through the doors so hard that they SLAM backwards behind him. Odin watches him go. INT. BANQUET HALL - DAY 26 26 26 Thor stands in the empty hall, bearing the signs of the festivities cancelled due to the events of the day. Anger and frustration rising within him, Thor upends one of the massive tables. From across the room, Loki watches him. AT THE BANQUET HALL ENTRANCE Sif, Fandral, and Hogun follow Volstagg as he enters in search of his dinner. SIF Redecorating, are we? Volstagg surveys the overturned tables and food, aghast. 21. VOLSTAGG What's this -- ?! HOGUN I told you they'd cancel it. FANDRAL We thought that was just you being your normal cheery self. Volstagg looks about the floor, despairing. VOLSTAGG All this food -- so innocent, cast to the ground. It breaks the heart! Thor strides away from them to the far end of the hall. Loki calmly moves towards him. THOR It's unwise to be in my company right now, brother. LOKI Who said I was wise? THOR (re: the empty hall) This was to be my day of triumph. LOKI It will come. In time. (ADMITS) If it's any consolation, I think you're right. About the Frost Giants, about Laufey, everything. If a few of them could penetrate the defenses of Asgard once, who's to say they won't try again. Next time with an army? THOR Yes, exactly! LOKI But there's nothing we can do without defying Father. Thor considers this, looks at his hammer, a gleam in his eye. Loki can guess what he's thinking, grows concerned. LOKI (CONT'D) No... stop there! I know that look! 22. THOR It's the only way to ensure the safety of our borders. LOKI It's madness! VOLSTAGG Madness? What sort of madness? LOKI Nothing! Thor was making a jest! THOR The safety of our Realm is no jest. We're going to Jotunheim. FANDRAL What?! SIF Thor, of all the laws of Asgard, this is one you must not break. Loki looks on, intrigued by the proceedings. FANDRAL This isn't like a journey to Earth, where you summon a little lightning and thunder and the mortals worship you as a god. This is Jotunheim. VOLSTAGG And if the Frost Giants don't kill you, your Father will! THOR My father fought his way into Jotunheim, defeated their armies, and took their Casket! We'd just be looking for answers. SIF It is forbidden! Thor sizes up his friends, smiles. He proceeds to make his case with enthusiasm and charismatic conviction. THOR My friends, have you forgotten all that we've done together? He turns to Fandral. 23. THOR (CONT'D) Who brought you into the sweet embrace of the most exotic maidens in all of Yggdrasil? FANDRAL You did. THOR (TO HOGUN) Who led you into the most glorious of battles... (TO VOLSTAGG) ...and to delicacies so succulent, you thought you'd died and gone to Valhalla? VOLSTAGG/HOGUN You did. / You did. He turns to Sif. THOR And who proved wrong all who scoffed at the idea that a young maiden could be one of the fiercest warriors this Realm has ever known? SIF I did. THOR (QUICKLY) True. But I supported you... (then, to the others) My friends, trust me now. We must do this. The others exchange concerned looks, realize there's no convincing him. THOR (CONT'D) Come on. You're not going to let my brother and me take all the glory, are you? Loki looks startled. LOKI What? THOR You are coming with me... 24. LOKI Yes, of course! I won't let my brother march into Jotunheim alone. I will be at his side. VOLSTAGG And I. FANDRAL And I. HOGUN And I. The Warriors Three fight together. SIF I fear we'll live to regret this. VOLSTAGG If we're lucky. EXT. ODIN'S PALACE - DAY 27 27 27 Thor, Sif, Loki, and the Warriors Three walk from the Palace, across the grounds. They reach a group of ATTENDANTS who ready their battle gear for their journey. Loki slips away from the group, speaks to a nearby GUARD. Hogun notices. THOR We must first find a way to get past Heimdall. VOLSTAGG That will be no easy task. It's said the Gatekeeper can see a single dew drop fall from a blade of grass a thousand worlds away. FANDRAL And he can hear a cricket passing gas in Niffelheim. VOLSTAGG Jest not! He heareth all! FANDRAL Please. Getting past him should be simple enough now, since he seems to be letting Frost Giants sneak by under his nose. Volstagg, terrified, calls out to the sky. 25. VOLSTAGG Forgive him! He meaneth no offense! Loki rejoins the group as Thor leads them onward. EXT. GATE OF ASGARD - DAY 28 28 28 Thor and his band of adventurers, on horseback, pass through the massive Gate, leaving Asgard behind. They ride along the most astounding path in this Realm or any other -- THE RAINBOW BRIDGE. Wide and flat, it runs straight out from Odin's palace to the mists and black void of space beyond. In the distance far ahead, the Bridge continues on until it reaches Heimdall's Observatory. EXT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 29 29 29 The band draws near the Observatory, where HEIMDALL himself, Gatekeeper of Asgard, stands at his post on the Bridge before them, blocking their way, staring them down. There is something other-worldly about him, even for this Realm. He holds a massive sword in front of him, his stern, intimidating face virtually concealed by armor. Something glints beneath his visor, like twinkling stars. LOKI Keep your weapons sheathed and your mouths closed. This is going to take subtlety and sincerity, not brute strength. Leave it to me. Loki dismounts and steps forward. LOKI (CONT'D) GOOD HEIMDALL-- HEIMDALL You're not dressed warmly enough. Thor, Loki, and the others trade looks. LOKI I'm sorry? HEIMDALL The freezing cold of Jotunheim. It will kill you all in time, even Thor. (THEN) You think you can deceive me? I, who watch all? (MORE) 26. I, who can sense the flapping of a butterfly's wings a thousand worlds away? He fixes his eyes pointedly at Fandral. HEIMDALL Or can hear a cricket passing gas in Niffelheim? Fandral looks gob-smacked. FANDRAL That was just a bit of a jest, really... Loki goes into damage control. LOKI You must be mistaken. We're not-- THOR (STEPPING FORWARD) Enough. (TO HEIMDALL) Heimdall, may we pass? Heimdall stares him down. HEIMDALL For ages have I guarded Asgard and kept it safe from those who would do it harm. In all that time, never has an enemy slipped by my watch -- until this day. I wish to know how that happened. THOR Then tell no one where we've gone until we've returned. Thor walks past Heimdall as the Gatekeeper lets the group pass. Volstagg walks beside the frustrated Loki, needles him. VOLSTAGG What happened? Your silver tongue turn to lead? LOKI Get me off this bridge before it cracks under your girth. Volstagg and Fandral share a laugh. (THEN) (CONT'D) 27. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 30 30 30 Thor and the others enter the Observatory, step onto a platform. Heimdall climbs into the large control apparatus at the center of the room and readies the Observatory. HEIMDALL Be warned. I will honor my sworn oath to protect this Realm as its Gatekeeper. If your return threatens the safety of Asgard, Bifrost will remain closed to you. You'll be left to die in the cold wastes of Jotunheim. THOR I have no plans to die today. HEIMDALL None do. Heimdall inserts his sword into the control panel, and the apparatus of the Observatory starts up. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE 31 31 31 The Bifrost energy quickens along the Bridge, feeding into the Observatory. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY 32 32 32 Heimdall turns his sword in the control panel. The Observatory's giant turret swings around, aims toward a section of space. As a final step, Heimdall plunges his sword deeper into the control panel. The great turret FIRES, the RAINBOW LIGHT of Bifrost energy blasts out of it. The Bifrost opens at the end of the platform upon which Thor and his five comrades stand. HEIMDALL All is ready. You may pass. VOLSTAGG Couldn't you just leave the bridge open for us? HEIMDALL To keep this bridge open would unleash the full power of the Bifrost and destroy Jotunheim with you upon it. 28. VOLSTAGG Ah. Never mind, then. Thor starts towards the Bifrost, turns back to the others, grins. THOR Come on. Don't be bashful. The others join him at his side, then step towards the Bifrost. Their bodies stretch towards the maelstrom, changing shape, as if every atom of their being is being elongated by the pull of it. In an instant, they're jerked off the platform and inside the vortex. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (JOTUNHEIM) - DAY 33 33 33 A hole in the sky rips open, and the Bifrost comes shooting out of it. Snow flurries up when the Bifrost hits, as Thor and his band touch down. RUNES from the Bifrost are imprinted on the ice around them. Volstagg loses his footing, falling backwards. Thor quickly grabs him by the belt. We see the warrior dangling precariously on the edge of a sheer cliff on the planet's inner ring, opening up to the black abyss of space beyond. THOR Come on, big fella. Up...! With an effort, Thor pulls the burly warrior back onto the ice and, tremendously relieved, he proclaims: VOLSTAGG This belt! This belt is now my lucky belt! I will never remove it! Even when bathing! FANDRAL You bathe? Thor and the others turn and stare out in horror and wonder at the frozen alien wasteland before them. The whole planet is a massive flattened ring of jagged ice, slowly breaking apart. Huge CHUNKS OF ICE calve away from its outer edges and float off into space. The planet's icy surface cracks and melts as far as the eye can see. The ruins of a Jotun city lies in the distance. HOGUN We shouldn't be here. 29. THOR Too late now. FANDRAL Actually, it's not. We could turn right around, hop back to Asgard, share a mug by the fire. Could be nice. Thor ignore him, heads off. Loki looks around, anxious. LOKI Perhaps we should wait. Thor turns back to his brother. THOR For what? LOKI To survey the enemy. To gauge their strengths and weaknesses from a distance. VOLSTAGG I'm liking that. Gauging, surveying. Particularly the distance part. THOR We know all we must. It's time to act. Thor heads on. Reluctantly, the others follow. SIF He's just got to swing his hammer... EXT. JOTUNHEIM - DAY 34 34 34 The group trudges behind Thor across the frozen wasteland, shielding themselves from the howling wind and cold. Loki looks around them, anxious. Volstagg shivers. Thor, invigorated, turns back to his comrades. THOR It feels good, doesn't it? To be together again, adventuring on another world? FANDRAL Adventuring? Is that what we're doing? 30. THOR What would you call it? FANDRAL Freezing. VOLSTAGG Starving. SIF Whining. THOR How about a song to lift our spirits? The others groan. HOGUN No, not that! SIF Please don't make us sing again! FANDRAL If I have to listen to Volstagg's singing voice one more time, I'll fall on my own sword! SIF Well, now I'm on board. She and Thor share a grin. The party reaches the edge of the city -- its ancient structures of jade and ice melting and crumbling, ravaged by warfare long ago. A TEMPLE lies before them, across a central plaza. SIF (CONT'D) Where are they? THOR Hiding. As cowards always do. Thor leads the others onwards towards the central plaza. Loki reluctantly follows. They don't notice as SHADOWY FIGURES move in the shadows of the structures nearby. EXT. CENTRAL PLAZA - DAY 35 35 35 The party reaches the plaza. They sense the Frost Giants in the shadows and crevices, surrounding them now on all sides. 31. The Asgardians reach for the hilts of their weapons. A JOTUN SENTRY calls to him. JOTUN SENTRY What is your business here, Asgardian? The Jotun's voice itself sounds like cracking ice. THOR I speak only to your King. Not to his foot soldiers. JOTUN VOICE (O.S.) Then speak. Thor turns towards the source in a balcony of the temple, where LAUFEY sits, veiled in shadow, behind a cascading waterfall. The Jotun King is ancient, noble, powerful -- too proud to reveal even a hint of the years of suffering he and his people have endured. LAUFEY I am Laufey, King of this Realm. THOR And I am-- LAUFEY We know who you are, Odinson. Why have you brought the stench of your blood into my world? THOR I demand answers. Laufey stands, sizing up Thor, tries to piece this together. LAUFEY You "demand?"¬ù THOR How did your people get into Asgard? LAUFEY The house of Odin is full of traitors. Sif and the Warriors Three exchange a puzzled look, disturbed by the Jotun King's words. 32. THOR Do not dishonor my father's name with your lies. LAUFEY Your father is a murderer and a thief. He stole what was ours, and left our world in ruins. We have the right to reclaim the Casket. THOR Not when you'd use it to make war against other Realms. Laufey laughs, cold, mocking. LAUFEY And why have you come here? To make peace? You long for battle. You crave it. I see you for what you are, Thor Odinson. Nothing but a boy, trying to prove himself a man. THOR This boy has grown tired of your mockery. Thor takes a step towards Laufey. The other Jotuns step in front of Thor, blocking his path. We finally see the Frost Giants now -- terrifying, blue-skinned, standing eight feet tall. Loki moves next to his brother and quietly implores him. LOKI Thor, stop and think. Look around you. We are outnumbered. THOR Know your place, brother... LAUFEY You should listen to his counsel. You know not what your actions would unleash. Laufey steps out of the shadows. LAUFEY (CONT'D) But I do. Go now, while I still allow it. Thor simmers. Loki speaks up. 33. LOKI We will accept your most gracious offer. The others look to Thor imploringly. Thor stares Laufey down a beat -- then relents. He turns to leave. His comrades breathe a sigh of relief and follow, when a Frost Giant nearby mutters under his breath. JOTUN Run back home, little princess. Thor stops in his tracks. Loki goes white. He knows what's coming. LOKI Damn. In one quick move, Thor pulls Mjolnir, swings it, and KNOCKS the Jotun clear across the plaza. The Asgardians reluctantly draw their weapons, gather into a circle around Thor. Volstagg looks around at the angry Jotuns approaching them. VOLSTAGG Silly hammer! Has a mind of its own! ICE forms on the Jotuns' bodies, creating a FROZEN ARMOR around them, extending off the ends of their arms like SWORDS. One Giant does so directly in front of Fandral. FANDRAL I'm hoping that's just decorative. Thor leaves the circle of Asgardians, swings at another Frost Giant. His comrades form another circle around him, separating him from the Jotuns, as he whirls his hammer around once and catches it with a cocky grin. He's enjoying this. THOR Next! Fandral calls to Volstagg and Hogun. FANDRAL Well? What move, do you think? VOLSTAGG I say we use "The Norn's Revenge."¬ù 34. FANDRAL At this close range? I think "The Alfheim Lunge"¬ù is a better move. VOLSTAGG (DISGUSTED) Maybe if they were three feet tall! No! How about "The Randy Valkyrie"¬ù? HOGUN Shut up! Thor takes out yet another Frost Giant, then all hell breaks loose as the Asgardians and Jotuns begin to battle. A Jotun backs Hogun up against a wall of ice. As the Giant hurls an ice blade fist at him, the grim warrior swings his mace over his head, embedding it into the ice wall, and hoists himself up, dodging the Giant's blow and leaping over him. Hogun takes out a second approaching Frost Giant, spins back, dodges a swing from the first, then pounds the Jotun with his mace. Nearby, Sif expertly stabs one Jotun after another with her double-bladed staff. One knocks her viciously to the ground. SIF If you don't treat me like a lady, I won't act like a lady! She takes out the Jotun. Loki backs away from an approaching Jotun, finds himself at the edge of a deep crevasse. The Giant sees he's vulnerable, swipes at him. But the Jotun's arm passes right through him. The Giant stands there, confused, when THE REAL LOKI comes out from behind a structure and shoves the Giant into the crevasse below. The false Loki dissipates into nothingness. LOKI (to the falling Giant) Pathetic. He turns back to the battle. Two Jotuns come at him from either side. He lets two daggers fly, felling both Giants at once. Laufey nods to one of his guards -- a massive Jotun BRUTE. The Brute leaps down from the balcony, icing himself up, then punches his giant fist into the ice beneath his feet. It's a long-range attack, causing PILLARS OF ICE to explode out in front of Hogun, sending the grim warrior flying back. Across the plaza, Thor easily dispatches some Jotuns. 35. THOR Come on! At least make it a challenge for me! He sees the Brute coming at him. The huge Jotun lands a tremendous blow, sending Thor back across the ice. Thor rises, grins. THOR (CONT'D) Now that's more like it! He throws Mjolnir with all his strength, knocking the Brute head over heels. Thor raises his hand. Mjolnir slows in mid-air, then flies back to his grasp. THOR (CONT'D) (re: the fallen Brute) Ugly and stupid. Sif takes out a couple Frost Giants, but she's knocked to the ground by another. It raises its weapon above her. Hogun sees Sif in danger. He pulls a HIDDEN KNIFE from his sleeve and hurls it at Sif's attacker, hitting him square in the chest. The Jotun falls dead. SIF (to Hogun, re: knife) I'm so glad I taught him how to do that! Volstagg grapples with a Frost Giant, getting a couple good hits in. VOLSTAGG You may want to put some ice on that! The Frost Giant fights back, but Volstagg manages to grip in a headlock just as another comes up on him from behind. Volstagg fends him off, then turns the first one loose. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) You may be taller, but I'm wider! Volstagg launches his mighty belly at the Jotun and sends him flying. Another Jotun grabs Volstagg, squeezing him tightly and sending him crashing to the ground. 36. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) It's not too late for you to surrender. Volstagg recovers and fights on. The Jotun grabs Volstagg's bare arm. The warrior's skin begins to freeze from the Jotun's grasp, a BLACKNESS spreading from it, necrotizing Volstagg's flesh. The warrior SHOUTS in pain. Volstagg head-butts the Frost Giant, shattering the Jotun's ice helmet and dropping him to the ground. Winded, he takes a seat upon one of the fallen Jotun's bodies to catch his breath. As the battle rages around him, he opens a secret compartment at the end of his weapon, takes out a small FLASK. Volstagg grimaces in pain, sees his blackened skin. He yells to his comrades. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) Don't let them grab hold of you! He takes a swig, enjoying the brief respite, then rejoins the battle. Volstagg stabs his blade in a Giant's chest, but the sword stops mid ice layer. The Giant delivers a bone-breaking blow to Volstagg's face, and the warrior drops to one knee. Sif sees Volstagg in trouble and rushes towards him. In one quick move, she leaps up and off of Volstagg's back, using her boot to plunge Volstagg's blade deep into the Giant's chest, standing atop him as he falls backwards to the ground. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) (on his belly) Thank you, my lady. But I nearly had him! SIF Of course you did. Nearby, a Frost Giant forms a BARRAGE OF ICE BULLETS, hurling them at Sif. Sif raises her shield barely in time, as the bullets go pinging and ricocheting off it. She races into the group of Frost Giants who attacked her and takes them out. A Frost Giant touches a pool of standing water. It FLASH- FREEZES Hogun's feet to the ground. Volstagg notices, hurries over, dispatching Jotuns as he goes. VOLSTAGG Hang on! 37. Volstagg swings his weapon, wildly hacking at the ice around Hogun's legs to free him. Hogun looks down, suddenly worried, as Volstagg's blade cuts deep -- and perilously close to hacking into Hogun's legs. HOGUN Watch the legs! VOLSTAGG (REALIZING) Right. Sorry. Volstagg chips away at the ice more carefully, finally freeing Hogun's feet. Fandral sword fights with a Frost Giant. FANDRAL You really think your icicles are a match for Asgardian steel? Fandral lunges at the Giant. The Jotun knocks his blade away. FANDRAL (CONT'D) Fair enough. Fandral moves on him again, but the Giant grabs Fandral's sword and snaps it in half. FANDRAL (CONT'D) Could we stop just a moment while I get another sword? Fandral fights the Giant with his broken sword. The Jotun then lunges at Fandral, who ducks just in time, grabs hold of the Giant's sword and redirects it, stabbing the Giant through with his own weapon. The Jotun staggers back, then reaches down and swipes at a pool of water, sending up a spray that freezes in mid-air, forming into an ICE STALAGMITE. It impales Fandral, rendering him helpless. Loki races towards the impaled Fandral, throwing daggers and felling Frost Giants as he goes. He reaches the nearly- unconscious warrior, when other Jotuns approach. He fights them off. Volstagg looks across the plaza and sees the impaled Fandral. VOLSTAGG That's unfortunate. He hurries to his wounded comrade. 38. FANDRAL I may need a bit of help. Not a good look, is it? VOLSTAGG Just try not to bleed. FANDRAL How's the face? VOLSTAGG Flawless. Volstagg begins to pull the bleeding Fandral off the ice stalagmite. Loki plunges two daggers into the chest of one of the Frost Giants. The Giant grabs hold of Loki's gloved wrists. Loki pulls his hands free of the gloves, which are still in the Giant's grasp, revealing Loki's skin beneath. The wounded Jotun sees his chance, grabs hold of Loki's bare arm. Loki looks at his arm, prepared for the worst. But instead of the blackness of necrotizing flesh, Loki's arm turns BLUE -- like the Frost Giant's own skin. The blueness spreads painlessly up Loki's arm. He stares at it, confused. The Frost Giant is thrown as well, distracted by the unexpected phenomenon. Loki takes advantage of the distraction, KICKS the Giant. Thor continues fighting, his blood lust rising. He taunts the Jotuns around him. THOR Come on! But when he hurls his hammer to take out a Jotun, the Frost Giants seize the opportunity. A group of Jotuns swarm Thor from all sides, keeping him separate from his weapon. Mjolnir falls to the ground. A Frost Giant desperately struggles to lift Mjolnir off the ground, to no avail. Now free, the wounded Fandral looks relieved as Volstagg slings him over his shoulder, and the warriors start to leave. From his balcony, Laufey looks upon the battlefield, decides it's time to pull out the big guns. He touches a wall of the palace. An ENERGY WAVE sweeps from his touch, across the wall of the palace, and down to the ground below. The Asgardians hear a foreboding CRACK OF ICE below their feet. LOKI That can't be good. VOLSTAGG Yes, it could! Might be an early spring! 39. They look down, suddenly filled with dread when they see shadowy figures moving in the ice -- dozens of JOTUN WARRIORS awakening beneath the surface, rousing to join the battle. Loki turns to his brother, who battles a group of the Giants. LOKI Thor, we must go! Thor, still without his hammer, fights his Jotun foes mercilessly, a man consumed by blood lust. Loki sees the look on his brother's face -- the savage thrill of the heat of battle. THOR Then go! SIF There are too many of them! THOR I can stop them! The others hesitate. Jotuns break up through the ice all around them. SIF Thor! But Thor ignores his comrades, continues fighting. VOLSTAGG Run! Reluctantly, the group flees back toward the inner edge of the planet as the Giants break up through the ice and give chase. Thor battles valiantly, but there's just too many of them. The Frost Giants swarm him from all sides now, as he disappears beneath a pile of blue flesh and ice. After a MOMENT -- THOR'S FIST Forces its way up through the middle of the pile of Jotuns. He opens his hand, beckoning. One of Thor's attackers hears something ROARING up behind him. He whirls around -- BAM! -- Mjolnir nails him square in the face, then flies into Thor's outstretched hand. Thor raises the hammer up high, and brings it down on the ground with all his might. KRAKABOOM! (MORE) 40. Lightning strikes down from the sky, the hammer channeling the blast, firing the electricity out at the Jotuns around him. They're blasted back in a massive shockwave. The Jotuns convulse, drop dead to the ground. But the force of the blast also cracks the ice below, the shockwave continuing to spread outwards. It moves out to where his comrades are running, breaking up the ground beneath them, exposing the black void of space below. VOLSTAGG What's Thor done? LOKI Likely killed us all! As the Jotuns race towards the Asgardians, they open their mouths wide and breathe out an ICY FOG. The swirling mists quickly engulf the fleeing Asgardians before them. The Asgardians stand in the mist, unable to see. Hogun takes a step back, the ice cracking beneath him. They dare not move, for fear of falling through, into the void below. Thor sees he's put his friends in even greater danger. He raises Mjolnir high, SUMMONING THE WINDS. They lift him off the ground and carry him across the frozen wasteland to his comrades. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (JOTUNHEIM) - DAY 35A 35A 35A Thor lands beside his comrades in the shroud of mists. THOR Loki, we have to see. Loki raises his arms, concentrates, the mists dissipating. But as they do, the Asgardians see before them the faces of the Frost Giants. And there are HUNDREDS of them -- too many, even for a Thunder God. VOLSTAGG (TO LOKI) Actually, could you bring the mists back, please? THOR'S FIST (CONT'D) 41. Thor realizes that he and his comrades are as good as dead. The Giants move in for the kill, when they hear a deafening ROAR. A hole in the sky opens up, and the Bifrost blasts down onto the inner edge of the planet. Out of the maelstrom comes the sound of THUNDERING HOOVES, and, to the shock of all, tearing across the frozen wasteland comes -- ODIN ALLFATHER Astride his powerful, eight-legged steed SLEIPNIR. He's clad in battle armor, Gungnir in his hand -- an imposing sight. The Giants part in fear as he thunders into their ranks, stopping before Laufey and the Asgardians. Laufey slams his fists into the ground, and the ice beneath his feet raises him towards Odin. The Asgardians start to react, thinking it's an attack, but Laufey just stands face- to-face with Odin. Asgardian and Jotun alike look on uneasily, unsure what's about to happen. Laufey sizes up Odin, notices that as powerful as the Allfather still is, the years have taken their toll. He's not the foe he once was. The two rulers talk quietly, out of earshot of the others. ODIN Laufey. End this. LAUFEY Your boy sought this out. ODIN You're right. These are the actions of a boy. Treat them as such. You and I can stop this before there's further bloodshed. Unseen by Odin and the others, Laufey starts to form an ice blade at the end of his arm. LAUFEY We are beyond diplomacy now, Allfather. He'll get what he came for -- war and death. Odin looks grim, determined. ODIN So be it. Without warning, Laufey swings his ice blade at Odin, but Odin is quicker. The Allfather brings his spear down upon the ice. Laufey and the nearest Jotuns go falling backwards in a wave, the ice cracking beneath their feet. The other Frost Giants turn tail and run. Thor watches the fleeing Jotuns with delight. 42. THOR Now! We'll finish them together! ODIN Silence! Odin raises his spear. The hole in the sky opens, the Bifrost energy blasting forth from it. The Bifrost envelops the Asgardians, yanks them off the ground and up through the hole. The vortex closes behind them as all falls silent. Laufey stares up after them contemptuously. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 36 36 36 Heimdall stands at the Observatory controls. Odin pulls Heimdall's sword from the control panel and throws it to him. Heimdall backs away. THOR Why did you bring us back? ODIN Do you realize what you've done? What you've started? THOR I was protecting my home. ODIN You cannot protect your friends. How can you hope to protect a kingdom? Odin turns to the others. ODIN (CONT'D) (RE: FANDRAL) Get him to the healing room! Sif, Volstagg, and Hogun hurry to help Fandral out of the room. THOR There won't be a kingdom to protect if you're afraid to act! Odin stares at him. THOR (CONT'D) Whatever the cost, the world must know that the new King of Asgard will not be held in contempt. ODIN That's pride and vanity that talks! Not leadership! (MORE) 43. Have you forgotten everything I've taught you? What of a warrior's patience, cunning? THOR While you wait and be patient, the Nine Realms laugh at us! The old ways are done. You'd stand giving speeches while Asgard falls! ODIN You're a vain, greedy, cruel boy! THOR And you are an old man and a fool! The whole world seems to stop at Thor's words. Odin falls quiet. When he speaks again, there's something terrifying beneath the calmness of his words. ODIN A fool, yes! I was a fool to think you were ready. Loki takes a step towards Odin imploringly. LOKI FATHER-- Odin turns and gives Loki a look which stops him in his tracks. ODIN Thor Odinson... You have disobeyed the express command of your King. Through your arrogance and stupidity, you have opened these peaceful Realms and innocent lives to the horrors of war. The Allfather plunges Gungnir into Observatory's control panel. The turret turns, the Bifrost energy building along with Odin's rage. It FIRES, as the Bifrost opens at the end of the platform, creating a portal behind Thor. Odin turns angrily to his son. ODIN (CONT'D) You are unworthy of this Realm... Odin RIPS a disc off Thor's chest. ODIN (CONT'D) 44. ODIN (CONT'D) ...unworthy of your title... He rips away Thor's cloak. ODIN (CONT'D) ...unworthy of the loved ones you've betrayed. I hereby take from you your powers. Odin extends his hand towards his son. Mjolnir goes flying from Thor's grasp into Odin's hand. ODIN (CONT'D) In the name of my father... A FINGER OF LIGHTNING comes off the hammer and hits Thor, disintegrating the right arm of his armor and part of the chest piece. ODIN (CONT'D) ...and of his father before... Another strike disintegrates the remainder of Thor's armor, including the cape and torn-away disc on the floor. ODIN (CONT'D) I cast you out! Odin thrusts Mjolnir before him and -- with a CRACK OF THUNDER -- Thor is hurled backwards into the open Bifrost and disappears in the vortex. Odin holds Mjolnir in his hand, stares at it bitterly. He closes his eyes, lost in contemplation, whispers something quietly. ODIN (CONT'D) (WHISPERING) Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. RUNES appear on the side of the hammer, as if carved into its smooth surface. The runes linger for but a moment, then disappear. Suddenly, Odin turns and hurls the hammer into the Bifrost. CUT TO BLACK. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - NIGHT 37 37 37 Thor opens his eyes, surrounded by darkness. Suddenly, he's blinded by bright headlights of a vehicle -- an SUV. 45. It swerves, the side of it coming straight at him. It SLAMS into him, as we: CUT TO BLACK. After a beat, we hear familiar voices. DARCY (V.O.) I think that was legally your fault. JANE (V.O.) Get the first aid kit. (THEN) Come on, big guy. Do me a favor and don't be dead, okay? Open your eyes and look at me. THOR'S POV Thor opens his eyes to see Jane Foster staring at him, concerned. She looks vulnerable and beautiful. DARCY (O.S.) Wow. Does he need CPR? Because I know CPR. END THOR'S POV TIME CUT TO: Jane regretfully watches the storm EVAPORATE above their heads. A thought strikes her. JANE (TO SELVIG) Where did he come from? They exchange puzzled looks when Thor GROANS again. He sits up abruptly, and Jane topples backwards in surprise. Thor staggers groggily to his feet, then turns and offers Jane a hand up. She takes it hesitantly, and he easily pulls her up. She can't help but marvel at his strength. JANE (CONT'D) Uh, thanks. Are you okay? Thor searches the ground. THOR Hammer... 46. DARCY Yeah, we can tell you're hammered. That's pretty obvious. Jane notices something on the ground around them. She shines her flashlight down at the sand. JANE Erik... look at this. He joins her at her side and sees it. A faint, discernible pattern is etched into the sand. They exchange a look. Amazed and excited, Jane hurriedly takes out a camera and snaps some photos of the runes. A breeze begins to blow them away. JANE (CONT'D) We've got to move fast before anything changes. JANE (CONT'D) We need soil samples, light readings, everything. She pulls out a light meter, holds it up, takes some readings, jots them down in her notebook. Selvig looks at Thor, who stares up at the sky. SELVIG Jane, we need get him to a hospital. Jane kneels and quickly scoops up a soil sample in the cannister. JANE Not right now. It'll take too long. County's an hour away. We'll drop him off after we're done here. Selvig looks uncertain. JANE (CONT'D) (RE: THOR) Look at him, he's fine. Thor stares up at the stars, shouts up at them angrily. THOR Father! Heimdall! I know you can hear me! Open the bridge! 47. JANE (off Selvig's look) Okay, you and Darcy take him to the hospital, I'll stay here. SELVIG You expect me to leave you alone in the middle of the desert? Thor turns to the others, frustrated. THOR You! What world is this? The group is intimidated by his fervor. SELVIG It's all right, my friend. We're going to get you some help. Selvig touches Thor's shoulder. Thor shoves him off, grows agitated, belligerent. THOR Where am I?! Answer me! Darcy reaches into her fanny pack, pulls something out of it. Jane looks on, concerned. JANE Erik, just back away... SELVIG (to Thor, calming) You're in the desert outside the town of Puente Antiguo. THOR What Realm?! Alfheim? Nornheim? DARCY Uh... New Mexico? Darcy raises a TASER at him. Thor looks at the weapon, unsure what to make of it. THOR You dare threaten Thor with so puny A-- Darcy fires, the electrified wires shooting out of the taser, ZAPPING him in the chest. Thor convulses, falls to the ground unconscious. Jane and Selvig stare at her, shocked. 48. DARCY What? He was freaking me out. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - MOMENTS LATER 38 38 38 As Jane still takes soil samples, Darcy and Selvig struggle to drag an unconscious Thor to the SUV and lift him inside. SELVIG (TO DARCY) Next time you decide to taser someone, do me a favor and make sure they're already inside the truck. (TO JANE) Jane, come on... Reluctantly, Jane joins the others inside the SUV. EXT. DESERT - MOMENTS LATER 39 39 39 The SUV heads off into the distance. Behind it, high overhead, a HOLE opens in the sky. A last blast of Bifrost energy bursts forth from it, and a small OBJECT comes firing into our world. It BURNS across the desert sky like a meteor. OMITTED 40 40 40 EXT. COUNTY HOSPITAL - NIGHT 41 41 41 The SUV sits parked before the emergency room entrance. INT. COUNTY HOSPITAL ER - NIGHT 42 42 42 Selvig watches the unconscious Thor with interest as two ORDERLIES set the Asgardian onto a gurney. Jane and Darcy stand before a sweet, ditzy ADMISSIONS NURSE. ADMISSIONS NURSE Name? JANE He said it was "Thor."¬ù The Nurse painstakingly types it into the computer, one key at a time. Jane watches as Thor is wheeled out of the room. ADMISSIONS NURSE (SPELLING) T-H-O-R. And your relationship to him? 49. JANE I've never met him before. DARCY Until she hit him with the car. JANE Grazed him, actually. (THEN) Oh, and we tasered him, too. ADMISSIONS NURSE (SYMPATHETIC) Must have been quite the spat. JANE I told you, I don't know him. I just want to make sure he's okay. ADMISSIONS NURSE I'm going to need a name and contact number. JANE Jane Foster. ADMISSIONS NURSE (TYPING SLOWLY) J...A...N... SELVIG Oh, for God's sake... He reaches over Jane's shoulder and hands the Nurse his business card. SELVIG (CONT'D) Here. Let's go. Selvig, Darcy, and Jane head out. INT. HOSPITAL ER - NIGHT 43 43 43 Thor, now in a hospital gown, winces in pain as he awakens on a gurney to find a NURSE standing over him, a syringe in his arm. NURSE Hi. Just taking a little blood. Thor SLAPS the syringe away angrily, starts to sit up. 50. THOR How dare you attack the son of Odin! NURSE I need some help! Two ORDERLIES race over, try to hold Thor down. NURSE (CONT'D) We're trying to help you! THOR Then bring me a healing stone, you savages! He hurls one of them off, smashing against a wall. Now a couple SECURITY GUARDS and MALE NURSES join the fracas, all struggling to hold Thor down. Medical equipment goes flying, furniture overturned. ORDERLY What the hell is this guy on? Finally, they force him back down onto the gurney. Thor looks shocked and amazed that he's actually being overpowered by this small group. The NURSE injects him with a sedative. THOR You're no match for the Mighty-- Thor struggles a beat, then passes out. EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT - DAWN 44 44 44 Smoke rises from a fifty foot wide CRATER. A TOWNIE pulls his pick-up to a stop at the crater's edge. He climbs out, peers down below, his curiosity piqued by what he sees. TOWNIE Huh. The Townie approaches something at the center of the crater. We don't see what it is, but it bathes him in an otherworldly, BLUE LUMINOUS GLOW. He reaches for the object, tries to lift it, but can't. He redoubles his efforts, strains with all his might, with no luck. He takes off his hat, fans himself, stares at the mysterious object. TOWNIE (CONT'D) Huh. 51. EXT./INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - MORNING 45 45 45 The distant mountains glint snow in the early morning light. Selvig appears with a cup of coffee and surveys the vast desert. He turns back into the lab and sees Jane, busy at her workstation, soldering a piece of equipment. A printer churns out blown-up screen-cap PHOTOS of the Bifrost footage. Darcy hangs them on the wall. Selvig surveys the scene, watches how Jane works, impressed. He notices a monitor which displays a complex program entitled "J. FOSTER ALGORITHM ANALYSIS"¬ù. He looks proud. The three of them have been up all night, fueled by caffeine and excitement. JANE Darcy, when you're done, take the soil samples to Professor Meyers in geology. Remind him, he owes me. SELVIG We might want to perform a spectral analysis. JANE "We?"¬ù SELVIG I flew all the way out here -- might as well make myself useful. This is the offer Jane's been waiting for. She gets up, inserts the piece of equipment she's been working on into a rack-mounted server. JANE You know what would be really useful? Do you still have that friend at LIGO? SELVIG She was more than a friend. JANE Could you call in a favor? SELVIG You don't think this was just a magnetic storm? JANE If I'm right, their observatory must have picked up gravitational waves during last night's event. 52. SELVIG Meaning? Jane heads over to a computer monitor. Selvig follows. JANE Meaning these anomalies might signify something bigger. SELVIG How "big"¬ù are we talking about? Jane indicates the footage on the monitor. As the last of the Bifrost cloud disappears into the night sky, there appears to be a blister in space, bulging out in convex and covered with stars. JANE I think the lensing around the edges is characteristic of an Einstein-Rosen Bridge. DARCY A what? SELVIG I thought you were a science major. DARCY Political Science. Selvig shoots Jane a confused look. Jane shrugs. JANE She was the only applicant. SELVIG (TO DARCY) An Einstein-Rosen Bridge -- a "theoretical"¬ù connection between two different points of space-time. Darcy stares blankly. JANE (TO DARCY) A wormhole. Selvig looks skeptical. Jane prints out a frame-grab off the monitor. JANE (CONT'D) Erik, look... 53. Jane indicates the print-out showing the constellations seen through the "bubble"¬ù in the clouds. JANE (CONT'D) What do you see here? SELVIG Stars. JANE Yes. But not our stars. She spreads out a STAR CHART, barely able to contain her excitement. JANE (CONT'D) This is the star alignment for our quadrant, this time of year. So unless Ursa Minor decided to take the day off... those are someone else's constellations. Selvig's intrigued, in spite of himself. Darcy pulls another frame-grab of the Bifrost footage from the printer and hangs it on the wall, when something in the image catches her eye. DARCY Hey, check it out. Jane and Selvig examine the photo, amazed. SELVIG Is that...? JANE I think I left something at the hospital. As Jane walks away, we REVEAL the photo. Inside the Bifrost funnel cloud is a FIGURE -- the vague, but unmistakable shape of a MAN. EXT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 45A 45A 45A At the top of the palace, we see a small FIGURE on the balcony. As we move closer, we see it is a burdened Odin, looking out over Asgard. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 46 46 46 Frigga enters to find Odin standing lost in thought. FRIGGA How could you have done this? 54. ODIN Do you understand what he set in motion? He's taken us to the brink of war! FRIGGA But banishment? You would lose him forever? He's your son! ODIN What would you have done? FRIGGA I would not have exiled him to a world of mortals, stripped of his powers, to suffer alone. I would not have had the heart for such cruelty! ODIN That is why I'm King. (THEN) I, too, grieve the loss of our son. But there are some things that even I cannot undo. FRIGGA You can bring him back. ODIN No. His fate is in his own hands now. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY 47 47 47 Thor awakens on a hospital bed. He notices RESTRAINTS on his wrists now. He pulls at them, tries to free himself, to no avail. THOR It's not possible. He tries again, mustering all his strength. One of his hands slips free from its restraint. INT. COUNTY HOSPITAL ER - DAY 47A 47A 47A Jane again faces the Admissions Nurse, with Selvig and Darcy nearby. ADMISSIONS NURSE I'm sorry, only relatives can visit patients. 55. JANE (THINKING FAST) But... I'm his wife. Darcy stifles a SNICKER at this, as the Nurse looks doubtful. ADMISSIONS NURSE I thought you said you didn't know him. JANE I meant I barely know him anymore. The man he's become. He's changed. I mean, what woman really knows her husband, anyway? ADMISSIONS NURSE None of us, dear. He's in Room INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR - DAY 48 48 48 Jane, Selvig, and Darcy head down the corridor, passing the destruction of the ER Thor wrecked the previous night. They enter Thor's room. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM 49 49 49 They step inside to find Thor's bed empty. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY 50 50 50 Jane, Selvig, and Darcy quickly climb into Jane's SUV. INT. JANE'S SUV 51 51 51 Jane starts the car, frustrated. JANE Typical. I just lost my most important piece of evidence. DARCY So now what? JANE We find him. SELVIG Did you see what he did in there? I don't know if finding him is the best idea. 56. JANE I want to know what that thing was, and he may have the answers. We don't have a choice. DARCY Oo-kay. She pulls out her taser and a can of mace. SELVIG So we're just going to spend the rest of the day looking for him? JANE However long it takes. Jane puts the car in reverse and backs up, when -- BAM! She collides with Thor again, dressed in stolen hospital scrubs. Jane and Selvig exchange a look. EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT - DAY 52 52 52 Jane and Selvig emerge from the SUV, help Thor to his feet. JANE I'm so sorry. I swear I'm not doing that on purpose. Thor looks up at the sky. THOR Blue sky... one sun... This is Earth, isn't it? DARCY I think you may have hit him with the car one time too many. JANE (TO THOR) Let's get you some clothes. INT. HEALING ROOM - DAY 53 53 53 Sif, Loki, and the Warriors three, battered and shell- shocked, still reeling from the day's events, sit before a ROARING central fire. Hogun reaches into the flames, pulls out some fragile HEALING STONES. Neither the fire, nor the stones burn him. As he carefully places the stones over the wounds of his comrades, the stones begin to glow. 57. He crushes them to a powder. His comrades' injuries heal up at the glowing powder's touch. Fandral winces in pain as Hogun heals his gaping wound. Volstagg looks at the skin on his arm -- healing, but still blackened from the necrotizing touch of the Frost Giant. Loki watches him, then stares at his own arm, where the Giant's touch turned his skin blue. It's undamaged, back to its normal color. VOLSTAGG We should never have let him go. SIF There was no stopping him. FANDRAL At least he's only banished, not dead. Which is what we'd all be if that guard hadn't told Odin where we'd gone. VOLSTAGG How did the guard even know? Loki stares at his arm. LOKI I told him. FANDRAL What? LOKI I told him to go to Odin after we'd left. Though he should be flogged for taking so long. VOLSTAGG You told the guard? LOKI I saved our lives! And Thor's. I had no idea Father would banish him for what he did. SIF Loki, you're the only one who can help Thor now. You must go to the Allfather and convince him to change his mind! LOKI And if I do, then what? I love Thor more dearly than any of you, but you know what he is. He's arrogant. He's reckless. He's dangerous. (MORE) 58. You saw how he was today. Is that what Asgard needs from its King? The others exchange glances, torn. Loki has a point. He leaves the room. Hogun stares after him. SIF He may speak about the good of Asgard, but he's always been jealous of Thor. VOLSTAGG True, but we should be grateful to him. He did save our lives. HOGUN Laufey said there were traitors in the House of Odin. The others turn to the usually quiet Hogun. FANDRAL Why is it every time you choose to speak, it has to be something dark and ominous? HOGUN A master of magic could easily bring three Jotuns into Asgard. The others look to Hogun, understanding the implication. VOLSTAGG No! Surely not! FANDRAL Loki's always been one for mischief, but you're talking about something else entirely. SIF Who else could elude Heimdall's gaze with tricks of light and shadow? VOLSTAGG The ceremony was interrupted just before Thor was named King. SIF We should go to the Allfather. LOKI (CONT'D) 59. FANDRAL And tell him what? "Oh, by the way, we think your son just betrayed the throne. And do us a favor. Bring back Thor. There's a good fellow!"¬ù SIF It's our duty. If any of our suspicions are right, then all of Asgard is in danger. INT. VAULT - DAY 54 54 54 Loki heads into the Vault, sees the Casket of Ancient Winters sitting on its stand. He walks over to it slowly, reaches out to it, lifts it between his forearms off its pedestal. As he does, a blueness spreads from his arms, across his body. The latticework behind the Casket starts to separate, the Destroyer rousing. A fire starts to glow within its black metal armor, as it rattles to life, but Loki ignores it -- the blueness spreading further, consuming his whole body. ODIN (O.S.) Stop! Loki turns, sees Odin hurrying into the room, the Destroyer goes motionless, the latticework rejoining before it. Odin eyes Loki with dismay. LOKI Am I cursed? ODIN No. Put the Casket down. Loki sets the Casket back upon its pedestal, his body quickly returning to its normal form and color. He stares at his father. LOKI What am I? ODIN You're my son. LOKI What more than that? Odin doesn't answer. He looks suddenly weary, burdened. Loki sizes him up, realizes the truth. 60. LOKI (CONT'D) The Casket wasn't the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it? Odin looks him in the eye. He can deny it no longer. ODIN No. (BEAT) In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the Temple, and I found a baby. Small for a giant's offspring -- abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son. Loki is sent reeling by the revelation. LOKI Laufey's son... He desperately struggles to make sense of it all. LOKI (CONT'D) Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me? ODIN You were an innocent child. LOKI You took me for a purpose, what was it? Odin doesn't answer. LOKI (CONT'D) Tell me! ODIN I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace... through you. But those plans no longer matter. LOKI So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me. ODIN Why do you twist my words? 61. LOKI You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn't you? ODIN You are my son. My blood. I wanted only to protect you from the truth. LOKI Because I am the monster parents tell their children about at night? ODIN Don't... LOKI It all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years. ODIN Listen... LOKI Because no matter how much you claim to "love"¬ù me, you could never have a Frost Giant sitting on the Throne of Asgard! Odin's body begins to shake, he lifts his hand. It starts to move out of synch temporarily, leaving a trail, the effect of the Odinsleep approaching. Loki doesn't notice as Odin tries to fight it off. ODIN Listen to me! Loki strides away towards the exit. ODIN (CONT'D) Loki! Odin starts towards him, when the enormous mental, emotional, and physical strain of recent events finally takes its toll. The effect of the Odinsleep consumes him. His entire body now moves out of sync with the rest of the world, leaving trails behind him as he staggers backwards. Odin falls back against a wall, his face contorting in a scream. He collapses to the stone floor. Loki, shocked, hurries to him. He takes Odin in his arms, calls out. LOKI Guards! 62. OMITTED 55 55 55 OMITTED 56 56 56 OMITTED MERGED WITH SCENE 54 57 57 57 EXT. OUTSIDE OF CRATER - DAY 58 58 58 Cars, pick-ups, and SUVs are parked around the crater, the sound of a BOISTEROUS PARTY coming from within. EXT. INSIDE OF CRATER 59 59 59 It looks like the whole town has turned out. LOCALS sit on lounge chairs, drink beer from coolers, laugh and talk. They watch the center of the crater, where LARGE MEN have formed a line to take a turn with the mysterious object. One of them struggles and fails to lift it. As he gives up, the next man steps up and takes his turn, straining from the effort. Other Townies SNAP PICTURES of the scene with their cell phones. They hear an approaching RUMBLE, then clear a path as a large PICK-UP TRUCK backs its way down the crater's edge. An EAGER TOWNIE hops out the passenger side and pulls a thick chain from the back of the truck. He fastens one end around the object, then securely affixes the chain to the bumper and the rear of the undercarriage. EAGER TOWNIE This'll do it. He yells to the driver. EAGER TOWNIE (CONT'D) Okay, let 'er rip! The townsfolk watch as the pick-up's engine ROARS, then STRAINS, its wheels spinning futilely, until finally the rear of the truck, along with the back wheels and axles, break off and go flying. People dive out of the way. The PICK-UP DRIVER sticks his head out. He is STAN "THE MAN"¬ù LEE. He looks back, shocked. The townsfolk laugh, the party continuing. They don't notice as -- ON THE CRATER'S EDGE ABOVE THEM An imposing GOVERNMENT VEHICLE pulls up to a stop. A Fed in a suit climbs out, peers down at the boisterous gathering below, his eyes fixed on the object at the center of the crater. He is SHIELD AGENT COULSON. He stares down at the object which glows with an otherworldly blue energy -- MJOLNIR. He pulls out a phone. 63. COULSON (INTO PHONE) Sir -- we've found it. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - DAY 60 60 60 In a back room, Thor, now shirtless and wearing jeans, looks around for a t-shirt. Jane and Darcy, standing in the lab, can't help but notice his reflection in the mirror. Darcy eyes his powerful build, rippling biceps. DARCY You know, for a crazy homeless guy, he's pretty cut. Jane turns away. Thor emerges from the back room, holding a t-shirt. DARCY (CONT'D) Hey, sorry I tased you! Thor heads over to Jane's work area, starts fiddling with the equipment there with interest. Jane hurries over to put a stop to it. JANE Excuse me... excuse me! She leads him away from the work station. Thor holds up the t-shirt. On the front, it bear a sticker which [reads] "HELLO, MY NAME IS DR. DONALD BLAKE"¬ù. Thor looks at it, puzzled. Jane rips the sticker off. JANE (CONT'D) My ex. Thor stares at her a beat. JANE (CONT'D) They're the only clothes I had that'll fit you. Sorry. THOR They will suffice. Thor turns his attention to the pictures of the Bifrost on the wall. JANE You're welcome. Now tell me... Thor studies the frame-grabs with interest. Jane points to his form in the Bifrost photo. 64. JANE (CONT'D) What were you doing, in that? He glances at it, dismissive. THOR What does anyone do in the Bifrost? Everyone stares at him. Selvig seems to recognize the word. Jane opens her notebook, quickly writes the word down. Thor moves close to her, eyes the notations and drawings within the book, curious. SELVIG (amused, skeptical) The Bifrost... Jane starts to get uncomfortable with Thor standing so close to her, looking over her notations. She quickly closes the book. JANE What exactly is the Bifrost? THOR (IGNORING HER) This mortal form has grown weak. JANE BUT-- JANE (CONT'D) Somebody get the mortal a Pop-Tart. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 61 61 61 Frigga sits at her husband's bedside, holding his hand. Odin lies there -- looking pale and lifeless, his body and the space around it warped from the effect of the Odinsleep. The walls of the chamber have moved close around him, protecting him like a dark crypt, sealing off any daylight. Loki sits at Odin's side, across from Frigga. She speaks softly to him. FRIGGA I asked him to be honest with you from the beginning. There should be no secrets in a family. LOKI So why did he lie? 65. FRIGGA He kept the truth from you so that you would never feel different. You are in every way our son, Loki, and we your family. You must know that. Loki takes this in, stares at Odin. FRIGGA (CONT'D) (RE: ODIN) You can speak to him. He can see and hear us, even now. LOKI How long will it last? FRIGGA I don't know. This time is different. We were unprepared. LOKI I never get used to seeing him like this. The most powerful being in the Nine Realms lying helpless until his body is restored. FRIGGA But he's put it off for so long now, I fear... Loki takes her hand. She's grateful, wipes tears from her eyes. FRIGGA (CONT'D) You're a good son. Loki sits there, uncertain how to react, uncertain how he really feels. FRIGGA (CONT'D) We mustn't lose hope that your father will return to us. And your brother. Loki looks to Frigga, concerned. LOKI What hope is there for Thor? FRIGGA There's always a purpose to everything your father does. Thor may yet find a way home. Loki looks troubled by the revelation. (MORE) 66. He rises, heads for the exit, when they hear the clatter of ARMORED FOOTSTEPS hurriedly approaching. THE EINHERJAR GUARD Enter the room, block his way out. Loki tenses, prepared for the worst, but the guards just stand before them. Loki is baffled. FRIGGA Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until he awakens, Asgard is yours. The Einherjar kneel before the shocked Loki. Another EINHERJAR enters, holding Gungnir before him. He kneels before Loki, offers the spear to him. FRIGGA (CONT'D) Make your father proud. Loki reaches out tentatively, then takes it. He likes the feel of it in his hand. INT. ISABELA'S DINER - MORNING 62 62 62 Thor, Selvig, Darcy, and Jane sit at a table in the local diner. Selvig and Darcy watch as Thor eats ravenously from a huge mound of steak and eggs. A couple other full plates -- pancakes and biscuits and gravy -- are piled high before him. Jane's eager, her notebook at the ready. JANE Now tell us exactly what happened to you last night. Thor looks her in the eyes, staring, intrigued. Jane gets flustered, looks away. JANE (CONT'D) Maybe start with how you got inside that cloud. DARCY And how you could eat an entire box of Pop-Tarts and still be this hungry. Jane shoots her a withering look. Thor downs a cup of coffee. THOR (re: coffee mug) This drink. I like it. FRIGGA (CONT'D) 67. DARCY (to Thor, re: coffee) Yeah, it's great, isn't it? Isabela makes the best coffee in town. Thor hurls the empty mug at the ground, SHATTERING it. THOR (CALLS OUT) Another! ISABELA ALVAREZ (60), the diner's proprietor, glares at Thor from behind the counter. JANE Sorry, Izzy. Little accident. (IN SPANISH) Yo voy a pagar la taza. Isabela turns to a WAITRESS and starts venting quickly in Spanish. ISABELA (IN SPANISH) Did you see that? The first time she brings a man in here, and he's a lunatic! JANE (to Thor, re: mug) What was that? He doesn't understand. The other patrons stare at him. THOR It was delicious. I want another. JANE Then you should just say so! THOR I just did. JANE I mean ask for it. Nicely. THOR I meant no disrespect. JANE All right, then no more smashing, deal? 68. THOR You have my word. JANE Good. A few TOWNIES, looking bedraggled, enter and take a seat at the counter. We recognize them from the crater. (Among them is the Drunk Townie Jake, who is not presently drunk.) ISABELA Morning, Pete. Jake. TOWNIE PETE The usual, please, Izzy. Isabela pours them a couple cups of coffee. DRUNK TOWNIE JAKE You missed all the excitement out at the crater. ISABELA What crater? Jane and Selvig overhear this, exchange a look, turn to the Townies with interest. TOWNIE PETE They're saying some kind of satellite crashed in the desert. DRUNK TOWNIE JAKE We were having a good time with it till the Feds showed up, chased us out. JANE (to the Townies) Excuse me, did you say there was a satellite crash? DRUNK TOWNIE JAKE Yep. They said it was radioactive. And I had my hands all over it. (REALIZING) I'm probably sterile now. Thor, unconcerned, prepares to dig into the giant pile of pancakes. Darcy is amazed by the sight. 69. DARCY Oh my God, this is going on Facebook. Darcy whips out her cellphone. DARCY (CONT'D) (TO THOR) Smile! Thor looks puzzled as she SNAPS a photo of him and his massive stack of food. SELVIG (to the Townies) What did the satellite look like? DRUNK TOWNIE JAKE I don't know nothing about satellites. But it was heavy. Real heavy. Nobody could lift it. This gets Thor's attention. Thor springs to his feet, heads over to Drunk Townie Jake, and pulls the Townie around to face him. THOR Where?! DRUNK TOWNIE JAKE About twelve miles east of here. Thor grins, his spirits soaring, as he quickly strides out of the diner. PETE I wouldn't bother! Looked like the whole Army was coming in when we left! EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY 63 63 63 Thor studies the position of the sun, gauging his bearings. Jane, Darcy, and Selvig catch up to him. JANE Where are you going? THOR Twelve miles east of here. He starts to stride determinedly down the street. Jane walks with him. JANE Why? 70. THOR To get what belongs to me. JANE So now you own a satellite? THOR It's not what they say it is. JANE Whatever it is, the government seems to think it's theirs. You intend to just walk in there and take it? THOR Yes. He stops walking. THOR (CONT'D) If you take me there now, I'll tell you everything you wish to know. JANE Everything? THOR All the answers you seek will be yours, once I reclaim Mjolnir. Darcy looks to the others. DARCY "Myeu-muh?"¬ù What's "Myeu-muh?"¬ù Jane studies Thor. He looks sincere. She's nearly swayed, WHEN: SELVIG Jane. He pulls her aside. Thor can tell that Selvig doesn't much care for him. SELVIG (CONT'D) (TO JANE) Please don't do this. JANE You know what we saw last night. This can't be a coincidence. I want to know what's in that crater. 71. SELVIG I'm not talking about the crater. I'm talking about him. JANE He's promised us answers. SELVIG He's delusional! Listen to what he's saying! "Thor."¬ù "Bifrost."¬ù "Mjolnir."¬ù These are the stories I grew up with as a child! JANE I'd just be driving him out there, that's all. SELVIG It's dangerous. He's dangerous. After a moment, she nods. They head back over to Thor and Darcy. JANE I'm sorry. I can't take you. THOR I understand. Then this is where we say goodbye. He takes her hand and kisses it. JANE That's... thank you. Thor bows slightly to each of them. THOR Jane Foster... Erik Selvig... Darcy. Farewell. He heads off down the street. Selvig looks relieved. SELVIG Now... let's get back to the lab. We have work to do. Selvig and Darcy turn and start to go. Jane looks after Thor as he walks away down the street. EXT. ODIN'S PALACE - DAY 64 64 64 Sif joins the Warriors Three as they hurry towards the Throne Room. 72. INT. THRONE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 65 65 65 Two EINHERJAR GUARDS enter, admitting Sif and the Warriors Three, who burst through the entrance, heads bowed. SIF Allfather, we must speak with you URGENTLY-- But as they raise their heads, they stop short to see -- LOKI Sitting sprawled upon his father's throne. He wears his horned ceremonial headdress and holds GUNGNIR in his hand. Sif and the others look up, shocked at the sight before them. VOLSTAGG What is this? LOKI My friends... you haven't heard? I am now Ruler of Asgard. FANDRAL Where is Odin? LOKI Father's fallen into the Odinsleep. My mother fears he may never awaken again. SIF We would speak with her. Sif and the Warriors Three exchange a look. Loki notices. LOKI She has refused to leave my father's bedside. You can bring your "urgent"¬ù matter to me, your King. Sif covers quickly. SIF We would ask you to end Thor's banishment. 73. LOKI My first command can not be to undo the Allfather's last. We're on the brink of war with Jotunheim. Our people must have a sense of continuity in order to feel safe in these difficult times. Sif and the Warriors Three trade looks, not liking any of this. LOKI (CONT'D) All of us must stand together, for the good of Asgard. FANDRAL Of course. Sif and the Warriors Three bow their heads and exit. Loki stares after them. EXT. PUENTE ANTIGUO, NEW MEXICO - MAIN STREET - DAY 66 66 66 Jane, Selvig, and Darcy head up the street. They're by Arturo's, when a PICK-UP TRUCK pulls up before them, stopped by traffic. In the back of the vehicle, Jane notices, partially covered by a tarp, the dark matter analysis machine from her lab. JANE Hey! That's my stuff! EXT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB 66A 66A 66A Jane, Selvig, and Darcy reach the lab, where government vehicles are parked. SHIELD AGENTS haul equipment out of the lab and load it into waiting vans. Other Agents strip all the equipment from inside the Pinzgauer and cart it away. Still others emerge from her trailer, arms loaded with scientific instruments and documents. JANE What the hell is going on here?! The Agents ignore her as Agent Coulson approaches. COULSON Ms. Foster, I'm Agent Coulson, with SHIELD. Selvig, recognizing the name of the organization, grows wary. 74. JANE I don't care who you work for, you can't do this! SELVIG Jane. This is more serious than you realize. Let it go. JANE Let it go?! This is my life! COULSON We're here investigating a security threat. We need to appropriate your equipment and all your atmospheric data. JANE By "appropriate"¬ù you mean "steal?"¬ù Instead of answering, Coulson gives her a check. COULSON This should more than compensate you for your trouble. She throws the check to the ground without looking at it. JANE I can't just pick up replacements from RadioShack! I made most of that equipment myself! COULSON Then I'm sure you can do it again. JANE And I'm sure I can sue you for violating my constitutional rights! COULSON We're the good guys, Ms. Foster. He tries to walk away, but Jane blocks his path. She is fully herself, fueled by outrage. JANE So are we! We're on the verge of UNDERSTANDING SOMETHING extraordinary. Jane holds up her notebook. 75. JANE Everything I know about this phenomenon is in this lab and in this book, and no one has the right to take it from me. Coulson gestures to a nearby AGENT, who promptly plucks the notebook out of Jane's hands and adds it to the pile he's carrying. Jane is stunned. COULSON Thank you for your cooperation. He gets into a car. The cars and trucks pull away. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - DAY 67 67 67 Jane, Selvig, and Darcy enter, staring in shock at the now- empty space. JANE Years of research, gone. DARCY They even took my iPod. SELVIG And your back-ups? JANE Look around! They took our back- ups. They took the back-ups of our back-ups. DARCY I just downloaded, like, thirty songs on there. JANE (TO DARCY) Will you please stop talking about your iPod?! (TO SELVIG) Who are these people? SELVIG No one knows much about them. But I knew a scientist -- a pioneer in gamma radiation. SHIELD showed up, and he was never heard from again. 76. JANE I'm not going to let them do this. I'm getting everything back. SELVIG Please, let me contact one of my colleagues. Dr. Pym has had some dealings with these people. I'll e- mail him and see if he can help. DARCY They took your laptop, too. Annoyed, Selvig thinks. EXT. PUENTE ANTIGUO LIBRARY - DAY 67A 67A 67A Selvig and Jane in the Pinzgauer drive up in front of the town's rinky-dink library. A sign in the window reads, "FREE INTERNET."¬ù SELVIG I'll just be a minute. He climbs out and heads inside. Jane looks down the street and sees something that intrigues her. INT. PET STORE - DAY 68 68 68 Thor enters the store and approaches a PET STORE CLERK. THOR I need a horse. PET STORE CLERK Sorry, we don't sell horses. Just dogs, cats, birds. THOR Then give me one of those, large enough to ride. The Pet Store Clerk looks confused. Just then, Thor hears a CAR HORN. He turns to the open door. Across the street, Jane calls to him from the Pinzgauer. JANE You still want a lift? INT. PUENTE ANTIGUO LIBRARY - DAY 68A 68A 68A It's story time in the library, as a LIBRARIAN reads a book - - "THE SECRET HISTORY OF GIANTS"¬ù -- to a group of kids. 77. LIBRARIAN (READING) "And though they're large, giants can be quiet. You have to listen carefully for the sound of their footsteps -- because they may be closer than you think."¬ù Nearby, Selvig sits at a computer terminal, finishing up his e-mail. Beside him, a KID flips through a book with interest. The Librarian stops mid-story and calls to the Kid pleasantly. LIBRARIAN Joshua, come sit down. It's story time. The Kid closes his book and joins the others. Selvig looks over, notices the title of the book the Kid was reading -- "MYTHS AND LEGENDS FROM AROUND THE WORLD."¬Ù He picks it up, flips through it, stops at the section on Scandinavian Mythology. It's a picture of a RAINBOW BRIDGE coming down from Asgard to earth. ASGARDIANS walk upon it, among them ODIN, LOKI, and THOR, who wields Mjolnir. On the ground below them, a group of VIKINGS kneel reverently. He eyes the illustration, pondering. OMITTED 69 69 69 EXT. DESERT - DUSK 70 70 70 Jane's Pinzgauer cuts off the road, heads over the rugged terrain. Storm clouds roll in over the desert sky. INT. PINZGAUER - DUSK 71 71 71 Jane drives, pumped with adrenaline, nervous and excited, as Thor sits beside her, upbeat and eager for battle. JANE I've never done anything like this before! Have you ever done anything like this before? Thor looks amused by her excitement. THOR Many times. You're brave to do it. 78. JANE They just stole my entire life's work. I really don't have anything left to lose. THOR But you're clever. Far more clever than anyone else in this Realm. JANE "This Realm?"¬ù Why do you talk like that? THOR You think me strange? Jane laughs, catches herself. JANE Yeah. Just a little. THOR Good strange or bad strange? JANE I'm not quite sure yet. She looks at him, sees him staring at her. She's lost in his gaze, distracted, when the PINZGAUER LURCHES. She quickly turns her eyes forward, regains control of the car. JANE (CONT'D) Sorry. She glances back at him. He's confident, determined. JANE (CONT'D) Who are you? Really? THOR You'll see soon enough. JANE You promised me answers. Thor looks at her, charmed by her persistence. THOR What you seek -- it's a bridge. JANE A bridge? Like an Einstein-Rosen Bridge? 79. THOR More like a rainbow bridge. A beat. JANE God, I hope you're not crazy. EXT. DESERT - NIGHT 71A 71A 71A As the Pinzgauer heads away, we continue up a hillside, revealing a light illuminating the valley beyond. As we move closer, we see the glow comes from -- A MASSIVE SHIELD BASE Now set up around the crater -- vehicles, trailers, barricades. Armed GUARDS man a gate in the razor wire fence that runs fifty yards from the crater's edge, enclosing the complex. Clear, plastic access tubes with junction boxes lead to a translucent cube structure erected in the middle of the crater. Through the glass walls of the base's command trailer, we see Coulson directing TECHNICIANS, busy at work. Within the cube structure itself, a team of SHIELD SCIENTISTS work with high-tech machinery, analyzing the object at the center of it all -- Mjolnir. EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER - NIGHT 72 72 72 Jane and Thor crawl to the edge of the ridge, look through binoculars, see the impressive SHIELD base. JANE That isn't a satellite crash. They would have hauled the wreckage away, not built a city around it. Thor shrugs out of his jacket and hands it to her. THOR You're going to need this. JANE Why?-- Thunder RUMBLES overhead. She stares at him intently and takes his jacket. THOR Stay here. Once I have Mjolnir, I will return what they stole from you. 80. He looks to her, already knowing that Jane may disobey his request. THOR (CONT'D) Deal? JANE No! Look what's down there! You can't just walk in, grab our stuff, and walk out! THOR No. Jane looks relieved. THOR (CONT'D) I'm going to fly out. Before she can react, he starts heading towards the crater. The first drops of rain begin to patter into the dust. JANE Wait... But Thor is already headed towards the crater. EXT. SHIELD BASE / INT. HAMMER CONTAINMENT CUBE STRUCTURE 72A 72A 72A A NEEDLE spikes on a handheld SENSOR DEVICE. The TECHNICIAN holding it looks over at the hammer. Mjolnir begins to give off a subtle glow. A bolt of lightning CRACKS across the sky above. CUT TO: AN AERIAL INFRARED VIDEO IMAGE OF THE AREA 73 73 73 It's fuzzy, doesn't show much. We widen to see we are: INT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - SECURITY ROOM 74 74 74 A younger SHIELD agent, a TECHIE in a headset, monitors security. AGENT SITWELL, humorless, just this side of junior, looks on, none-too-pleased. TECHIE Feed from the keyhole. Can barely penetrate the cloud cover. The Techie hikes a thumb at another monitor, SQUELCHING with static. (MORE) 81. It shows an SAR shot of the area, laid over a terrain map. TECHIE (CONT'D) Tech's barely working as it is, with all the interference that thing's giving off. He gestures towards the hammer. He checks a computer. TECHIE (CONT'D) Hey, we've got a commercial aircraft coming in right over us, Southwest Airlines Flight 5434. SITWELL Reroute it, like all the others. TECHIE Right. Can I get the passengers some free drinks for the trouble? Sitwell glares at him. TECHIE (CONT'D) (SHRUGS) It'd be a nice gesture. The Techie types into the computer, when he notices something on another screen, holds up a hand. TECHIE (CONT'D) Hold a sec... we got something outside the fence, west side... He points at the screen. Through the haze, it shows a THERMAL IMAGE huddled beside the fence. SITWELL (into a radio) DeLancey, Jackson -- check it out. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 74A 74A 74A A pair of SHIELD AGENTS (DELANCEY and JACKSON) take off in a jeep to investigate. EXT. SHIELD SECURITY ROOM 74B 74B 74B Sitwell looks out the window, something strange catching his attention. We see in the window's reflection that a glow is coming from the hammer containment area. TECHIE (CONT'D) 82. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - FENCE - MOMENTS LATER 75 75 75 The jeep pulls up as the Agents scan the fence with a flashlight, see nothing unusual. AGENT JACKSON (INTO RADIO) Looks like we're good here. Must have been another coyote. Just then, the Agents notice a section of the fence has been bent up from the ground, leaving a gap. Before they can call it in, a massive CRACK OF LIGHTNING illuminates the night sky -- revealing the silhouette of a large man standing outside the driver's (Jackson's) side of the jeep. DeLancey looks over, notices. AGENT DELANCEY Jackson? The Agents reach for their weapons. Thor elbows the driver across the jaw, causing him to drop his weapon. Jackson slumps over the steering wheel, as DeLancey starts to raise a shotgun at Thor. Thor grabs the barrel, yanks it out of DeLancey's hands and thrusts the hilt back, smashing the Agent's jaw. Thor reaches into the jeep to grab a rain slicker. INT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - SECURITY 75A 75A 75A Sitwell talks into his radio, starting to look worried. SITWELL (INTO RADIO) DeLancey, Jackson -- report. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - MOMENTS LATER 76 76 76 Thor, now wearing a SHIELD rain slicker, makes his way across the base. Another SHIELD AGENT approaches the jeep, spots the unconscious DeLancey and Jackson. He quickly calls into his radio. SHIELD AGENT Agents down! We've got a perimeter breach! INT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - SECURITY 77 77 77 The security monitors SQUELCH with static and interference. Sitwell holds his PDA -- even it's on the fritz. Sitwell and the Techie watch the monitors warily. 83. On the monitor showing the hammer containment area, Mjolnir starts to crackle with energy. SITWELL (to the Techie) Get Coulson. Sitwell punches an alarm. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 78 78 78 As Thor makes his way towards the crater, an alarm sounds and SECURITY LIGHTS explode to life. EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER 78A 78A 78A A spotlight fires out from the base and sweeps across the ridge towards Jane. She ducks down, out of sight. She pulls out her cellphone and dials. We hear Selvig's recorded message. SELVIG (V.O., ON PHONE) You've reached Dr. Erik Selvig. Please leave me a message. His voicemail BEEPS. She talks quietly, urgently. JANE Erik, okay, first of all, don't worry. I'm perfectly fine, really. More sounds of MAYHEM come from the base. JANE (CONT'D) But if you don't hear from me again, you might want to come out to the crater site and look for me. I kind of did what you said I shouldn't do. Thanks. Bye. She hangs up. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - COMMAND TRAILER 79 79 79 Coulson emerges from the SHIELD command trailer and marches across the mud, radio to his ear. He looks out across the lit up site uneasily. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - NIGHT 80 80 80 A SHIELD GUARD moves through the base, rifle in hand. From the shadows behind a trailer, a FIGURE looks out at him. As the Guard raises his radio to check in, Thor quickly rushes towards him and chokes him out. He falls to the ground. 84. Thor notices the AR-15 rifle lying on the ground beside the fallen Guard. He stares down at the weapon quizzically. As more GUARDS approach, Thor snatches up the weapon and takes cover in the shadows of the trailer. The Guards pass by. Thor peers around the corner, sees the well-guarded main entrance tube to the center of the site. A bright light suddenly illuminates his face. He looks to see an ATV moving across the site, shining its spotlight right on him. Thor sees that the ATV DRIVER has spotted him. The Driver raises his radio to report. Thor knows he has to act fact. He raises the rifle -- then flips it over in the air and catches it by the barrel. He rears the weapon back, then hurls it like a hammer. It flies through the air, smashing the ATV's spotlight. Glass and debris shower the driver, who takes his hands off the wheel to protect himself. The ATV roars out of control past the Guards near the tube entrance. The Guards notice and chase after it. Thor emerges from the shadows, watches the Guards abandoning the site entrance. EXT. EDGE OF CRATER 80A 80A 80A The ATV Driver looks forward in panic as the ATV approaches the crater lip. The vehicle careens over the edge of the crater and heads straight for one of the plastic tunnels. The Technicians inside scatter as the ATV CRASHES into it, tearing into the tunnel, sending sparks everywhere. The ATV finally comes to a stop, the tunnel collapsing around it and the Driver. SHIELD AGENTS rush in behind to help. EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER 81 81 81 Jane peers over the ridge, stares down at the frenzied aftermath of the ATV crash, at the base on high alert. Lightning CRACKS in the sky behind her. OMITTED 82 82 82 OMITTED 82A 82A 82A EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 82B 82B 82B Coulson climbs to the lip of the crater as a light rain begins to fall. He eyes the damage of the ATV crash. He's not pleased. The light rain becomes a downpour. EXT. MAIN ENTRANCE TUBE 82C 82C 82C As SHIELD Agents pull the ATV driver from the wreckage, Thor races towards the unguarded entrance to the tunnels and heads inside. 85. INT. ENTRANCE TUBE 82D 82D 82D Thor races up the entrance ramp. Before him, two GUARDS round the corner. Thor knocks out the first Guard, then tackles the second. He hurries around the corner, when more GUARDS come up a ladder ahead. Thor punches the closest Guard, sending him tumbling backwards, toppling the others on the ladder behind him. Thor takes off running, as the Guards regroup and give chase. Thor spots the glow of Mjolnir in the central cube, through the translucent walls of the tunnels. He hurries through to tunnels to find a way towards it. EXT. EDGE OF CRATER 82E 82E 82E Coulson stands on the crater lip, barking out orders, as the Guards in the tunnel rush to cut off Thor. Coulson activates his radio. COULSON I want eyes up high. With a gun. Now! INT. SHIELD TRAILER 82E.A 82E.a 82E.a A SNIPER, dressed in black tactical gear and high-tech NIGHTVISION EQUIPMENT, picks up a rifle, slings it over his shoulder and heads out. His name is BARTON. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 82E.B 82E.b 82E.b Lightning CRACKLES around the camp. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - CRANE SITE 82E.C 82E.c 82E.c Barton approaches a CRANE BUCKET. He leaps in, and the bucket lifts into the air. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - TUNNEL 82F 82F 82F Through the translucent plastic, we see Thor racing through the tubing. INT. TUNNEL 82G 82G 82G As Thor races through the tunnel, a GUARD runs right at him, on a collision course. Thor takes him out with a punch to the gut, then turns to see more AGENTS coming towards him. Thor picks up the fallen Guard he punched, then throws him into the approaching Agents, scattering them. Thor turns around, runs back the way he came. The Agents give chase. 86. EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER 82H 82H 82H Jane looks down at the crater through binoculars, frustrated that she can't clearly see what's happening. EXT. CRATER 82I 82I 82I Coulson watches the commotion in the tunnel complex. He heads off for the command trailer to enter the tunnels. OMITTED 82J 82J 82J EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 82K 82K 82K The crane basket ascends into the high winds as Barton readies his sniper rifle. EXT. TUNNEL COMPLEX 82L 82L 82L We see the figure of Thor inside the complex, heading down a ladder from a junction box, with other figures converging on him. INT. COMMAND TRAILER TUNNEL ENTRANCE 82L.A 82L.a 82L.a Coulson enters the tunnels through the command trailer. He calls on his radio. COULSON Barton. Talk to me. OMITTED 82M 82M 82M OMITTED 82N 82N 82N OMITTED 82O 82O 82O OMITTED 82P 82P 82P EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - CRANE SITE 83 83 83 The crane holding Barton arcs out over the structure. Barton takes aim. BARTON (INTO RADIO) One shot, one kill, sir. Just give the word. BARTON'S NIGHTVISION POV Overlooking the complex. It's a clear field of vision, nowhere to hide. 87. A digital read-out gives information on the distance to the target. He locks in on Thor, who's inside the plastic tubing, emerging from the junction box and heading towards the cube structure. BARTON Hello, handsome. INT. TUNNEL 83A 83A 83A Thor races through the tunnel, comes across a wall of AGENTS. Thor ROARS and barrels through them -- elbowing, punching -- whatever it takes to keep moving. As he takes down the last Agent, Thor sees the last junction box and the entrance to the cube structure up ahead. He races towards it. He can actually see Mjolnir within the middle of the structure, when -- BAM! From out of nowhere, a fist lands a powerful blow across his jaw, sending him reeling. Dazed, Thor looks up to see -- A HUGE SHIELD AGENT The biggest of them all, standing between him and his hammer in the cube structure beyond. Thor sizes him up. THOR You're big. Thor grins. THOR (CONT'D) Fought bigger. EXT. JUNCTION BOX 83B 83B 83B Thor and the Huge Agent explode through the wall of the junction box, then crash into the mud, sending them sliding. EXT. CRANE BUCKET 83C 83C 83C Barton has Thor in his sites. The sniper stands still as a statue. INT. TUNNEL 83D 83D 83D Coulson hurries through the tunnel, ready to give the word to Barton, when he stops short. He sees what looks like an electrical storm erupting inside the structure ahead, directly above the crater... and the hammer. EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER 83E 83E 83E Jane sees SHIELD Agents and Guards swarming into the cube containment structure. 88. JANE No... EXT. CRATER 84 84 84 Thor and the Huge Agent struggle to stand in the mud. Through the translucent walls of the cube structure, Thor sees Mjolnir. The Huge Agent rises up before him, blocking his view. Rain and blood run down Thor's face. He lunges forward, whipping his feet in front of him, then kicks out, nailing the Huge Agent in the chest. The Agent goes down hard as Thor's momentum carries him past. Thor stands, heads for the cube structure, when the Huge Guard grabs his ankle in a last effort. Thor looks back down at his foe, then drops backwards, pile driving his elbow into the fallen Agent's chest. The Huge Agent grimaces in pain, defeated. Thor races back towards the structure. INT. HAMMER CONTAINMENT CUBE 84H 84H 84H From outside, Thor rips an opening in the plastic wall of the structure. He stands there -- soaking, bleeding, caked with wet earth. His hammer rests just a few yards before him, energy surging around it. Coulson steps into the structure through an access tunnel, one story up. As Thor approaches his hammer, Mjolnir starts to glow brighter, blue electricity sparking off its surface. The crackling energy seems to reach out to him. Coulson notices, his interest piqued. Above the open ceiling of the structure, Barton's crane bucket comes into view. EXT. CRANE BUCKET 84I 84I 84I Wind and rain whip around Barton as he stares into his rifle site, locked on the back of Thor's head -- his finger on the trigger. INT. HAMMER CONTAINMENT CUBE 84J 84J 84J Thor stands next to the hammer, feels its power. He reaches out to it confidently. Coulson watches from above. Armed AGENTS approach behind him. He motions for them to hold their positions, then radios Barton. COULSON Barton... EXT. CRANE BUCKET 84K 84K 84K Barton stands ready to take Thor down. His finger starts to squeeze the trigger. 89. COULSON (V.O., ON RADIO) ...hold your fire. Barton releases the trigger, pulls up. INT. HAMMER CONTAINMENT CUBE 84L 84L 84L Coulson watches Thor with anticipation as Thor wraps his hand around the hammer. He smiles, triumphant, lifts... but the hammer doesn't move. Thor looks confused, tries again with two hands, to no avail -- anger and frustration overtaking him. He strains with all his might, SCREAMS from the effort, bellowing up at the storm and lightning above him. Something begins to appear on the side of Mjolnir -- glowing RUNES. Thor looks down, sees them. But, still, the hammer doesn't budge. Thor falls to his knees before it, rain pouring down around him, as the glowing runes fade away. He's failed. Unworthy. Coulson looks on, disappointed. SHIELD AGENTS move in, guns trained on Thor, surrounding him. Coulson activates his radio. COULSON Ground units, move in. Show's over. As the Agents surround him, Thor doesn't seem to notice or care. He just sits there on his knees, head bowed in the rain -- a man broken, lost. From overhead, we see the hammer in the cube containment room. We pull up as the Guards approach Thor, then continue to climb, until we see the whole camp -- and the extensive damage Thor's done to it during the melee. OMITTED 85 85 85 EXT. RIDGE ABOVE CRATER - NIGHT 86 86 86 Jane lowers her binoculars, sensing things have gone from bad to worse. She steels herself, then starts over the ridge to help him. Almost immediately, a SPOTLIGHT sweeps past her. She hears the sound of DOGS and SHIELD AGENTS approaching, sees the glow of flashlights moving from the base towards her. With no other choice, she makes a quick retreat. EXT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - NIGHT 87 87 87 Heimdall stands at his post, watching the scene. He lowers his head. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - NIGHT 88 88 88 Jane stands with Selvig and Darcy in the empty lab. Darcy picks up the book Selvig checked out of the library, looks through it. 90. JANE I can't just leave him there. SELVIG Why not? JANE You didn't see what happened. Darcy points at an illustration of Thor's hammer in the book. DARCY Hey! Myeu-muh! Jane looks at the illustration in the book, turns to Selvig knowingly. JANE (RE: BOOK) Where did you find this? Selvig grabs the book from them, quickly closes it. SELVIG In the children's section. I wanted to show you how ridiculous his story was. Jane is unconvinced by this. She knows he wants to believe. JANE Aren't you the one who's always told me to chase down all leads, all possibilities? SELVIG I was talking about science, not magic! JANE Magic's just science we don't understand yet. Arthur C. Clarke. SELVIG Who wrote science fiction. JANE The precursor of science fact. SELVIG In some cases. 91. JANE If that's really an Einstein-Rosen Bridge out there, then there's something on the other side. JANE (CONT'D) Advanced beings could have come through it before. SELVIG Jane... DARCY A primitive culture like the Vikings might have worshipped them as deities. They give her a look, surprised by her unexpectedly insightful input. Darcy shrugs. Jane points at her, grateful for the support. JANE Yes! Exactly! Thank you! Darcy beams. SELVIG Jane, if you do this, you'll find yourself in a situation that I won't be able to get you out of this time. DARCY I'll help you. Jane looks grateful. Selvig looks at her, sees there's no stopping her. He sighs. INT. SHIELD HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 89 89 89 Thor sits in a chair, staring forward blankly, hands cuffed behind him. Coulson stands across from him. COULSON It's not easy to do what you did. You made us all look like a bunch of mall cops. That's hurtful. (THEN) The men you so easily subdued are highly-trained professionals, and in my experience, it takes someone who's received similar training to do what you did to them. (MORE) 92. Would you like to tell me where you received your training? Thor sits silently. COULSON Pakistan? Chechnya? Afghanistan? Then again, you strike me more as the soldier of fortune type. What was it, South Africa? Still no answer. Coulson leans in close to him. COULSON (CONT'D) Certain groups pay well for a good mercenary. Especially HYDRA. Coulson waits for a response, but gets none. COULSON (CONT'D) Who are you? THOR Just a man. COULSON One way or another, we find out what we want to know. We're good at that. Coulson leaves the room. Thor lowers his head. LOKI (O.S.) I thought he'd never leave. Thor looks up, shocked to find Loki standing there, dressed in 21st century attire. THOR Loki? What are you doing here? LOKI I had to see you. THOR What's happened? Tell me! Is it Jotunheim? Let me explain to FATHER-- LOKI Father is dead. Thor stares at him, stunned. (THEN) (CONT'D) 93. THOR What? LOKI Your banishment, the threat of a new war, it was too much for him to bear. The implications of Loki's words dawn on Thor -- he's responsible for his father's fate. Loki draws close to him, looks in his eyes, consolingly. LOKI (CONT'D) You mustn't blame yourself. I know that you loved him. I tried to tell him so, but he wouldn't listen. LOKI (CONT'D) (THEN) It was cruel to put the hammer within your reach, knowing you could never lift it. Thor stares ahead, falling deeper into the abyss. LOKI (CONT'D) The burden of the throne has fallen to me now. THOR Can I come home? LOKI The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile. THOR But couldn't we find a way to-- LOKI Mother has forbidden your return. Thor nods, lowers his head, beaten. LOKI (CONT'D) This is goodbye, brother. I'm so sorry. THOR No, I'm sorry. Loki... thank you for coming here. 94. LOKI Nothing could have stopped me. Coulson enters the room, but seems to take no notice of Loki. LOKI (CONT'D) Fare well, brother. THOR Good-bye. COULSON Good-bye? I just got back. Thor looks up to see that Loki is gone. COULSON (CONT'D) Now. Where did we leave off? EXT. CRATER - NIGHT 90 90 90 Agents and Scientists work to repair the damaged area around Mjolnir. They take no notice of Loki as he steps up beside the hammer. He stares at it -- intrigued, wondering. Can he do it? He reaches down, tries to lift it -- but can't. He lets it go, eyes it with contempt, then steps away. He gestures with his arms. An odd GREEN AND GOLD LIGHT rises from the ground, enveloping him, then he disappears. INT. HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 91 91 91 Sitwell enters and speaks sotto to Coulson. SITWELL (RE: THOR) Sir... he's got a visitor. INT. SECURITY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER 92 92 92 Coulson and several other SHIELD AGENTS stand across from Erik Selvig. COULSON "Donald Blake?"¬ù SELVIG Doctor Donald Blake. He's part of our team. COULSON You have dangerous coworkers, Dr. Selvig. 95. SELVIG Troubled, not dangerous. He was distraught when he found out that you'd taken all of our research. It was years of his life, gone! He got depressed, started drinking, and... well, you know the rest. COULSON Uh-huh. You mind if we take a moment to verify his identity? SELVIG Certainly. The Techie at a computer nearby runs the name. SELVIG (CONT'D) You can understand how a man could go off like that. I mean, a big, faceless organization like yours, coming in with their jack-booted thugs and stealing private property... (THEN) ...is how he described it. COULSON That doesn't explain how he managed to tear through our security. Selvig shrugs. SELVIG Steroids. He's a bit of a fitness nut. On the Techie's monitor, a DMV record from the State of New York pops up reading "DR. DONALD BLAKE"¬ù. The license photo is indeed a picture of Thor -- the one Darcy took with her cellphone. The Techie hits a button, and a graphic reads, "SHIELD SECURITY ANALYSIS IN PROGRESS."¬ù Coulson eyes the screen. After a beat, he turns back to Selvig. COULSON It says here he's an M.D. SELVIG He is. That is, he was. He switched careers and became a physicist. He's quite brilliant, really. 96. (THEN) If you would just release him to me, I promise to keep an eye on him. Coulson thinks, sizing Selvig up -- then smiles. He turns to an AGENT nearby. COULSON Release Dr. Blake to Dr. Selvig here. The Techie looks to him, surprised. COULSON (CONT'D) (TO SELVIG) Make sure he stays in town for the next few days in case we need to talk to him again. Selvig shakes his hand. SELVIG Thank you. INT. SHIELD HOLDING CELL - NIGHT 92A 92A 92A Selvig bursts into the room with a SHIELD Agent to find a seated Thor. SELVIG Donny, Donny, Donny! There you are! Thor looks up, unsure what the hell is going on. Selvig pulls Thor to his feet, gives him a warm hug. SELVIG (CONT'D) It's going to be all right, my friend. Come on, I'm taking you home. He leads the bewildered Thor out the door. EXT. COULSON'S TRAILER - NIGHT 92B 92B 92B As Thor and Selvig make their way past the SHIELD Security Room, Thor notices Jane's possessions and equipment from the Smith Motors lab stacked under a tarp. He spots Jane's hand- written journal among them. As he passes, he quickly takes it from the pile and pockets it. INT. SECURITY ROOM - NIGHT 92C 92C 92C Coulson looks at the computer bearing Donald Blake's DMV record. 97. A security warning over the image clearly reads "SECURITY [ALERT] FALSIFIED DATA."¬ù He knows it's been a ruse all along. He looks to Selvig and Thor heading away from the Security Room, then follows them outside. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - NIGHT 93 93 93 Coulson and two SHIELD Agents watch as Selvig walks with Thor away from the base to the SUV. Coulson calls to Selvig. COULSON Just keep him away from the bars. SELVIG I will! THOR (TO SELVIG) Where are we going? Selvig drops his cool demeanor. SELVIG To get a drink. Selvig and Thor climb into the SUV. As they drive off, Coulson turns to the other two agents -- GARRETT and CALE. COULSON Follow them. EXT. JOTUNHEIM - DAY 94 94 94 Loki, looking apprehensive, walks alone across the icy surface of the planet. INT. LAUFEY'S TEMPLE - DAY 95 95 95 Darkness shrouds the ruined temple, save for the shafts of light which knife their way in through the damaged ceiling. Loki enters. Frost Giant guards surround him on all sides. Laufey approaches, towers over him menacingly. LAUFEY Tell me why I shouldn't kill you. LOKI I've come alone and unarmed. LAUFEY To what end? LOKI To make you another proposition. 98. LAUFEY (REALIZING) So you're the one who let us into Asgard. LOKI You're welcome. LAUFEY My men are dead, and I have no Casket. You are a deceiver. Laufey lashes out, grabs Loki around the throat, but Loki calmly stands his ground. LOKI You have no idea what I am. The blueness spreads across his face, as Laufey and the guards stare in shock. Loki grins. LOKI (CONT'D) Hello, Father. Laufey releases him. Loki's body turns back to normal. Intrigued, Laufey sizes up his son. LAUFEY Ah, the bastard son. I thought Odin had killed you. That's what I would have done. He's as weak as you are. LOKI No longer weak. I now rule Asgard, until Odin awakens. Perhaps you should not have so carelessly abandoned me. This gives Laufey pause. LAUFEY Or perhaps it was the wisest choice I've ever made. I will hear you. LOKI I will conceal you and a handful of your soldiers, lead you into his chambers, and let you slay him where he lies. I'll keep the throne, and you will have the Casket. Laufey studies Loki's face. 99. LAUFEY Why would you do this? LOKI When all is done, we will have a permanent peace between our two worlds. Then I, the bastard son, will have accomplished what Odin and Thor never could. LAUFEY This is a great day for Jotunheim. Asgard is finally ours. LOKI No. Asgard is mine. The rest of the Nine Realms will be yours, if you do as you're told. Laufey considers the proposition. LAUFEY I accept. Loki turns to leave. As he goes, the slightest trace of a smile crosses his face. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 96 96 96 Loki emerges out of the Bifrost, as Heimdall steps away from his controls. Heimdall glares at Loki. Loki notices. LOKI What troubles you, Gatekeeper? HEIMDALL I turned my gaze upon you in Jotunheim, but could neither see nor hear you. You were shrouded from me, like the Frost Giants who entered this Realm. LOKI Perhaps your senses have weakened after your many years of service. HEIMDALL Or perhaps someone has found a way to hide that which he does not wish me to see. Loki sizes him up, smiles. 100. LOKI You have great power, Heimdall. Tell me, did Odin ever fear you? HEIMDALL No. LOKI And why is that? HEIMDALL Because he is my King, and I am sworn to obey him. LOKI Exactly. Just as you're sworn to obey me now. Yes? A beat. HEIMDALL Yes. LOKI Good. Then you will open the Bifrost to no one until I have undone what my brother has started. Loki heads out of the Observatory. Heimdall stares after him. INT. BAR - NIGHT 97 97 97 Thor and Selvig sit at a booth at the back of the local dive. The bartender sets down a couple mugs of beer and two shots of whiskey. Selvig pours the shot into his mug and downs it. Thor follows his example. SELVIG Seems Darcy's a terrible intern, but a talented hacker. THOR Thank you for what you've done. SELVIG Don't thank me. I only did it for Jane. THOR Are you in love with her? SELVIG Of course not! Jane's like a daughter to me. Her father and I taught at University together. (MORE) 101. A good man, but he never listened. This registers with Thor. THOR Neither did I. Selvig eyes him with interest. SELVIG I don't know if you're really delusional, and I really don't care at this point. I just care about her. I've seen the way she looks at you. THOR I swear to you, I mean her no harm. SELVIG Good. If that's the case, then I'll buy you one more drink, and you'll leave town tonight. A long pause, then Thor nods. He takes a drink. THOR I had it all backwards. I had it all wrong. Selvig watches him keenly. This is a different Thor than he's seen before. SELVIG It's not a bad thing, finding out that you don't have all the answers. That's when you start asking the right questions. Thor takes this in. THOR For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. SELVIG Anyone who's ever going to find their way in this world has to start by admitting they don't know where the hell they are. Thor nods. DRUNK TOWNIE (O.S.) Hey, I know you, man... An intimidating DRUNK TOWNIE nearby sizes up Thor. SELVIG (CONT'D) (MORE) 102. He is one of the Townies from Isabela's Diner who saw Thor earlier. He approaches, belligerent and looking for a fight. DRUNK TOWNIE (CONT'D) You were in the diner with that hot girl. Thor doesn't like where this is going. DRUNK TOWNIE (CONT'D) I wouldn't mind her doing a little research on me. He laughs. Thor is annoyed. THOR I have no quarrel with you. But she's a lady. You should be more respectful. DRUNK TOWNIE And you should shut the hell up, princess. Selvig looks to Thor, concerned that he's going to lose it. But, to his surprise, Thor remains unaffected by the Townie's baiting. THOR I will not fight him. DRUNK TOWNIE Then it'll be easy to kick your ass. Selvig stands, steps between the two men. SELVIG Gentlemen, please. Let's keep our heads. Just then, Selvig HEAD-BUTTS the Townie, knocking him out. Thor's impressed. Selvig downs his drink, then hurls his glass aside, SHATTERING it on the ground. SELVIG (CONT'D) (TO THOR) Another drink? DRUNK TOWNIE (O.S.) (CONT'D) 103. EXT. MAIN STREET - NIGHT 98 98 98 Thor and Selvig stumble down the street, singing a NORWEGIAN FOLK SONG. They improvise an impromptu drinking song dance routine involving side steps and happy slaps, optimistically in time with the song. THOR/SELVIG (SINGING) "The mood is good, our hearts are full, there's magic in the air. / It's all because we're here tonight, and haven't got a care. / So raise a glass, and toast to life, wherever it may lead / Tra-la- la, tra-la-la, a friend is fine indeed. / Tra-la-la, tra-la-la, a friend is fine indeed!"¬ù Thor holds up a hand for Selvig's last finishing slap. Selvig misses it completely and falls out of frame like a straight dead weight with a CLUNK. WIDE SHOT. Emerging from behind the car where Selvig fell, Thor stands up, Selvig slung over his shoulder, and starts to walk up the street towards Jane's trailer. INT. JANE'S TRAILER - NIGHT 99 99 99 The small trailer is in a state of perpetual disarray, strewn with various books, old pizza boxes, etc. A worried Jane lies on her bed, trying to read. She's startled by the loud RAPPING on the door. She bolts to the door and opens it to find -- THOR Standing there with the unconscious Selvig slung over his shoulder. JANE Erik! (TO THOR) Is he all right? THOR He's fine. Not injured at all. As Thor enters, he BANGS Selvig's head on the doorway. Selvig GROANS. 104. THOR (CONT'D) Sorry, my friend. JANE What happened? THOR We drank. We fought. He made his ancestors proud. JANE Put him on the bed. Thor moves through the small trailer carrying Selvig, like a bear lugging another bear, smashing into things along the way, until he finally sets Selvig down on Jane's bed. Selvig awakens groggily and looks up at him through bleary eyes. SELVIG I still don't believe you're the God of Thunder. (THEN) But you ought to be. Thor grins, pats him on the cheek. As Selvig drifts off to sleep, Thor pulls a blanket over him. Jane watches, stunned by their friendship, impressed by Thor's tenderness. Thor turns back to her, looks around. THOR These are your chambers? Jane suddenly becomes self-conscious. She starts cleaning up the mess around her. JANE Well, it's more of a temporary living space, really. I don't usually have visitors in here. Actually, never... Thor picks up a sock off the floor. She snatches it from him, puts it away. JANE (CONT'D) Can we go outside? 105. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - ROOF - NIGHT 100 100 100 Thor steps off a ladder onto the roof of Smith Motors. He offers Jane his hand, helps her up. There's a telescope set up, a couple chairs, some blankets. JANE I come up here sometimes when I can't sleep. Or when I'm trying to reconcile particle data. Or when Darcy's driving me crazy. (THEN) I come up here a lot, now that I think about it. Thor looks at the night sky, filled with stars. JANE I'm glad you're safe. THOR You've been very kind. I've been far less grateful than you deserve. JANE I also hit you with my car a couple times, so it kind of evens out. He grins, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out her NOTEBOOK. JANE I don't believe it... She takes it from him, surprised and grateful. THOR It was all I could get back. Not as much as I promised. I'm sorry. JANE No, this is good. Thank you. This means I don't have to start from scratch... She sits down and opens the notebook eagerly, then stops, a harsh realization clouding her face. Thor notices. THOR What's wrong? 106. JANE SHIELD, whatever they are. They're never going to let this research see the light of day. THOR You must do this. You must finish what you've started. JANE Why? THOR Because you're right. It's taken so many generations for your people to get to this point. You're nearly there. You just need someone to show you how close you really are. Thor moves beside her, opens her notebook, turns to the page which bears a sketch of the Bifrost. He takes the pen from the notebook, begins to add to the sketch, leading from one point to another in space. THOR (CONT'D) Look -- your ancestors called it magic. You call it science. I come from a place where they're one and the same thing. We recognize that Thor is drawing the branches of Yggdrasil as she looks on, amazed and intrigued. JANE What is it? THOR This is how my father explained it to me... (THEN) Your world is one of the Nine Realms of the Cosmos, linked to each other by the branches of Yggdrasil, the Worlds Tree. Now, you see it every day, without realizing. Images glimpsed through - - what did you call it?... (checks her notebook) ...this Hubble Telescope. So, Nine Realms... They look at each other. She nods. They smile. This is going to be a long night. 107. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - ROOF - LATER 101 101 101 Jane sleeps beside Thor on the blankets on the rooftop. He stares up at the night sky. She rolls close to him, nuzzles against him in her sleep. He looks down at her, beautiful in the moonlight, looks out at the town beyond her. INT. HEALING ROOM - DAY 102 102 102 Volstagg eats ravenously from a PLATTER OF FOOD. Sif stands nearby, ill at ease. Fandral watches Volstagg incredulously as the large warrior stuffs himself. Finally Fandral can stand it no more. FANDRAL Our dearest friend banished, Loki on the throne, Asgard on the brink of war, yet you manage to consume four wild boar, six pheasant, a side of beef, and two casks of ale. Shame on you! Don't you care?! Fandral moves to throw the platter in the fire, but Volstagg pulls his weapon, stopping him. VOLSTAGG Do not mistake my appetite for apathy. SIF Stop it, both of you! We all know what we have to do, we're just too damned afraid to do it! HOGUN (DECIDES) We must go. We must find Thor. Hogun starts to pull the delicate HEALING STONES from the fire, carefully putting them into a POUCH at his side. FANDRAL It's treason, Hogun. VOLSTAGG To hell with treason, it's suicide. (SUDDENLY NERVOUS) Now, shh! Heimdall may be watching! It's said he can hear-- FANDRAL Yes, yes, we know! 108. SIF Thor would do the same for us. An EINHERJAR GUARD enters. They tense. EINHERJAR GUARD Heimdall demands your presence. Volstagg quickly drains his flagon of ale. VOLSTAGG We're doomed. EXT. MAIN STREET - MORNING 103 103 103 Dawn breaks over the quiet town of Puente Antiguo. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - ROOF - DAY 104 104 104 Thor awakens, looks down to see Jane still sleeping, nuzzled against him. She opens her eyes, looks up at him and smiles. He stands, offers his hand, helps her to her feet. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB 105 105 105 Thor helps Jane down off a ladder. A groggy, hungover Selvig emerges from Jane's trailer. He sees Thor with Jane. Selvig eyes the two of them together, then: SELVIG I need some coffee. The three head inside Smith Motors. FROM THE LIBRARY ROOFTOP ACROSS THE STREET SHIELD Agents Garrett and Cale watch the scene, pointing a small audio surveillance device towards the lab. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - DAY 105A 105A 105A Darcy and Selvig sit at a card table, drinking coffee. Thor holds a couple plates as Jane makes eggs on a hotplate. She scoops them out onto the plates. Thor takes them over to the table, sets them down before Selvig and Darcy. DARCY Thanks. THOR You're very welcome. Jane joins them at the card table with a couple more plates. (MORE) 109. She and Thor sit with the others and start to eat their breakfast, looking like a little family. OMITTED 106 106 106 OMITTED 107 107 107 EXT. MAIN STREET 108 108 108 On a roof across the street from Smith Motors, Agents Garrett and Cale continue their surveillance, bored out of their wits. Agent Cale watches the group through the lab window with binoculars. Agent Garrett listens to his comm- link, turns to Cale. AGENT GARRETT They want an update. AGENT CALE Tell them he's eating eggs. AGENT GARRETT Scrambled or fried? Cale glares at him. AGENT CALE (INTO COMM-LINK) Target is eating eggs, sir. We'll keep you posted. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB 108AA 108AA 108AA As the group finishes breakfast, Thor looks at the mug in his hand, gets an idea. THOR (RE: MUG) May I have this? DARCY Sure. THOR Thank you. Excuse me a moment. Thor leaves. EXT. MAIN STREET - MOMENTS LATER 108A 108A 108A In front of her diner, Isabela prepares to open for the day. (Through the window of Isabela's, we see chairs still atop tables.) Isabela sweeps the front porch. She looks up to see Thor approaching. She eyes him suspiciously. He offers her a MUG. THOR (CONT'D) 110. THOR To replace the one I broke. Please forgive my behavior. She takes it, looks at it curiously, then smiles at him. ISABEL Okay. Thank you. THOR If I may, I'd like to come back for more of your "coffee."¬ù ISABEL Any time. He nods and walks away. She stares after him, smiling, and shrugs. ISABEL (CONT'D) She could do worse. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 109 109 109 Sif and the Warriors Three enter warily to find the intimidating Heimdall standing before the Observatory's controls. He glares at them accusingly. VOLSTAGG Good Heimdall, less us explain-- HEIMDALL You would defy the commands of Loki our King, break every oath you have taken as warriors, and commit treason to bring Thor back? The four exchange nervous glances. SIF Yes, but-- HEIMDALL Good. The group looks puzzled. What did he just say? VOLSTAGG So you'll help us? HEIMDALL I am bound by honor to our King. I cannot open the Bifrost to you. (MORE) 111. With that, Heimdall leaves them alone in the Observatory. The others exchange puzzled looks. FANDRAL Complicated fellow, isn't he? VOLSTAGG Now what do we do? Sif glances at the control panel, notices something. SIF Look! The others turn to see HEIMDALL'S SWORD stuck into the control panel. They exchange a grin. They have an ally. Sif hits the controls, and the Bifrost apparatus fires up. INT. SHIELD DESERT BASE - SECURITY ROOM - DAY 110 110 110 Coulson races in as a SHIELD TECHIE calls up satellite footage of the Bifrost storm on a monitor. COULSON What the hell was that? TECHIE I don't know, sir. We got massive energy readings out of nowhere, then they just disappeared. Fifteen miles due northwest. COULSON Let's go take a look. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 111 111 111 Amidst the fury of the Bifrost storm, the Warriors Three and Sif drop to the ground in the New Mexico desert. They clamber to their feet as the Bifrost quickly recedes, the hole in the sky closing up behind it. The Bifrost runes cover the desert sand around them. VOLSTAGG He must have landed nearby. It's time to put our tracking skills to work. Spread out. Check the sand for indentations of his boot prints. HEIMDALL (CONT'D) 112. FANDRAL The winds would have blown them away by now. We should look for signs of a campfire. SIF Or we could just start there. She points behind them to the town of Puente Antiguo in the distance -- the only visible sign of civilization -- and to Hogun, who has already started walking towards it. Volstagg and Fandral trade looks, their egos bruised. FANDRAL It's worth a look, I suppose. The party tromps towards the town. EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY 112 112 112 Townsfolk stare in wonder at the Warriors Three and Sif, as they stroll down the street in all their Asgardian splendor. EXT. DOWN THE STREET - DAY 113 113 113 A BOY Hits a baseball, which rolls under a parked car. He runs to retrieve it, but can't reach it. Suddenly, the side of the CAR rises into the air. The boy looks over, his mouth dropping open at what he sees. Volstagg easily holds the car up with one hand. Volstagg picks up the boy's ball, then drops the car. He hands the ball back to the boy, tousling his hair. VOLSTAGG There you go, lad! The boy just stares, standing frozen. The Asgardians head off. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) Is it just me, or does Earth look a little different to you? SIF It has been a thousand years... VOLSTAGG Things change so fast here. You leave for a millennium, and it's like the whole neighborhood's gone. Volstagg sniffs, smells something. 113. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) Perhaps we should split up. EXT. PUENTE ANTIGUO - ROOFTOP - DAY 114 114 114 Agents Cale and Garrett spot Sif, Fandral, and Hogun walking down the street. AGENT GARRETT Is there a Renaissance Faire in town? AGENT CALE Call it in. But before they can, Volstagg rises up behind them, smashes their heads together. They're out. VOLSTAGG Never cared for spies. He starts to go, then sees their bag of fast food on the ground. Intrigued, he pulls out a cheeseburger and takes a bite. He likes what he tastes. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) Exquisite. EXT. PALACE GROUNDS - DAY 115 115 115 Loki stands with Gungnir, surveying his kingdom, when an Einherjar Guard quickly approaches him, out of breath. EINHERJAR GUARD My liege, the Warriors Three and the Lady Sif have gone missing. Loki reacts. He knows who's responsible. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 116 116 116 Loki approaches Heimdall on the Rainbow Bridge. HEIMDALL Tell me, Loki, how did you get the Jotuns into Asgard? LOKI You think the Bifrost is the only way in and out of the Realm? There are secret paths between worlds to which even you with all your gifts are blind. But I have need of them no longer, now that I am King. 114. (THEN) And I say, for your act of treason, you are relieved of your duties as Gatekeeper. And you are no longer a citizen of Asgard. HEIMDALL Then I need no longer obey you. Heimdall raises his massive sword, strides towards Loki. Loki reaches out and, with both hands, takes hold of something invisible, hovering in mid-air before him. As it quickly fades into view, we realize what it is -- THE CASKET OF ANCIENT WINTERS. The blueness creeps from his hands and up his arms, as Loki opens the Casket towards Heimdall, who is fast approaching. From inside the Casket, all hell breaks loose. The fury of the Casket is unleashed, its winds not just howling, but SCREAMING, as ice and snow and darkness come flying straight towards Heimdall. Ice clings to his body, freezing him, but still he moves forward. Loki starts to get worried. Heimdall is nearly upon him. The Gatekeeper swings his massive sword at the prince. But the blade STOPS, frozen, just inches from Loki's throat. Loki breathes a sigh of relief and steps past him. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 117 117 117 Loki inserts Gungnir into the Observatory's control panel and opens the Bifrost. He gestures, and the veiled DESTROYER appears before him, a fiery glow rising within it. It turns its head toward its King. LOKI Ensure my brother does not return. INT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - DAY 118 118 118 Jane, Thor, Darcy, and Selvig make a charming team, tidying up after breakfast -- washing, drying, and putting plates and utensils away. The door opens. VOLSTAGG (O.S.) Found you! Thor, Jane, Selvig, and Darcy turn to see -- 115. SIF AND THE WARRIORS THREE Staring baffled at the sight of the domestic Thor drying dishes in mortal clothing. Jane drops a plate. It goes SHATTERING on the floor. THOR My friends! Thor happily races over and greets his comrades. Jane, Selvig, and Darcy watch the Asgardians from across the room. Jane looks concerned. Selvig and Darcy eye them with wonder. SELVIG I don't believe it... DARCY Who are they? VOLSTAGG Lady Sif and the Warriors Three. Surely you've heard tales of Hogun the Grim, Fandral the Dashing, and I, Volstagg the Svelte? Selvig looks pointedly at Volstagg's massive gut. VOLSTAGG (CONT'D) Well, perhaps I've put on a little more muscle since I was here last. JANE That would have been a thousand years ago? Northern Europe? VOLSTAGG Exactly! Those lovely herring people. They worshipped us! Thor grins, lays a hand on Volstagg's shoulder. THOR My friends, I've never been happier to see anyone. But you should not have come. FANDRAL We're here to take you home. Jane reacts to the news of Thor leaving. THOR You know I can't. My father is dead because of me. I must remain in exile. 116. The other Asgardians exchange puzzled looks. SIF Thor... your father still lives. Thor reacts to the revelation. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 119 119 119 A few SHIELD vehicles are parked by the Bifrost site. A few SHIELD agents stand nearby as SCIENTISTS take readings. Coulson kneels, examines the Bifrost Runes. He turns to an Agent. COULSON Get somebody from Linguistics out here. Just then, they hear a RUMBLING overhead, as the Bifrost storm ROARS in the sky above. Coulson and the SHIELD Agents scramble for cover, their vehicle windshields SHATTERING, as the Bifrost storm grows in strength. Finally, the hole in the sky overhead opens, and the funnel cloud EXPLODES out of it, touching down onto the desert floor. Coulson and the Agents shelter their eyes from the maelstrom. OMITTED MERGED WITH SCENE 119 120 120 120 INT. SMITH MOTORS - DAY 121 121 121 Thor and the others see the Bifrost storm forming in the distance. DARCY Was somebody else coming? Just then, the Bifrost funnel EXPLODES down to the ground. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 122 122 122 From behind a jeep, Coulson and the SHIELD AGENTS stare at the Destroyer in awe. We don't see it, just its shadow as it moves towards them. SHIELD AGENT (RE: DESTROYER) Is that one of Stark's? COULSON I don't think so. But the guy doesn't tell me anything. Coulson grabs a megaphone, steps forward, calls out to the Destroyer. 117. COULSON (CONT'D) Hello! You're using unregistered weapons technology. Please identify yourself. We hear the HUM of the Destroyer's fiery energy power up inside. COULSON (CONT'D) Incoming! As the SHIELD Agents scramble for cover, a blast of energy from the Destroyer EXPLODES a vehicle. SHIELD agents return fire. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - DAY 123 123 123 Townspeople fill the streets, staring at the fire fight in the distance. Thor and the Asgardians prepare for battle, as Thor turns to Jane. THOR Leave this town now. Get yourself and your friends to safety. JANE What about you? THOR I must stay and fight. The Asgardians look to Thor. THOR (CONT'D) I'm still a warrior, and I will fight by your side. VOLSTAGG You're but a mortal now. You'll get yourself killed! FANDRAL Or one of us, trying to protect you. SIF The best thing you can do is get the mortals to safety and leave the battle to us. Thor looks at the townsfolk around them, all oblivious to the oncoming threat. THOR (TO SIF) You're right. 118. Sif looks surprised. Thor turns to Jane, Selvig, and Darcy. THOR (CONT'D) Help me clear the streets. I'll let none of these people die this day. Thor, Jane, Selvig, and Darcy start to herd the crowd of Townsfolk off the streets, as the Warriors Three and Sif head across town, towards the Destroyer. OMITTED 124 124 124 INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 125 125 125 Laufey and two Frost Giants appear out of the Bifrost and step onto the platform. Loki is waiting for them. He pulls Gungnir from the Observatory's control panel. The giant apparatus slows to a stop. LOKI Father. Welcome to Asgard. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 125A 125A 125A The site looks like the aftermath of a war zone. The smoldering wreckage of SHIELD vehicles lies strewn about. EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY 126 126 126 Thor, Jane, and Selvig clear the streets, loading confused TOWNSFOLK into cars, moving others indoors. EXT. MAIN STREET - EDGE OF TOWN - DAY 127 127 127 A dog makes it way down the street, barking at something in front of it. Then we see it -- THE DESTROYER Strides down the street, a red, fiery energy glowing from within it. It unleashes BLASTS as it goes, blowing up cars, setting storefronts aflame. OMITTED 128 128 128 EXT. STREET 129 129 129 Sif and the Warriors Three head down the street towards the Destroyer. 119. SIF Keep him distracted. She hurries off. The Warriors Three continue towards the behemoth. FANDRAL What do you think? "The Svartalfheim Twist?"¬ù "Kiss of the Hag?"¬ù "Face Full of Boot?"¬ù Volstagg grins eagerly. VOLSTAGG "The Flying Mountain."¬ù Hogun and Fandral groan. FANDRAL Not "The Flying Mountain!"¬ù It threw out my back for a year last time! VOLSTAGG Trust me, it'll work. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - DAY 130 130 130 Thor looks anxiously back down the street, where the Warriors Three get into position before the Destroyer. THOR (TO JANE) My friends fight bravely, but they won't be able to hold it back much longer. Darcy hurries out of the burning pet store carrying as many animals in cages as she can, then loads them into a truck. DOWN THE STREET Hogun and Fandral take off running towards the Destroyer, as Volstagg stands limbering up. FANDRAL (TO VOLSTAGG) Come on! Volstagg takes off running at full speed. As he catches up to his comrades, Hogun and Fandral grab him on either side, and with all their Asgardian might, hurl the voluminous warrior into the air at the black metal behemoth. VOLSTAGG For Asgaaaaard!!! 120. The Destroyer is unable to react quickly enough, as Volstagg SMASHES into the creature. It looks like it might actually work for a moment, but the Destroyer stays on its feet. It lifts Volstagg into the by the scruff of his neck. He shrugs apologetically. The Destroyer savagely HURLS him at Hogun and Fandral, smashing into them, when -- SIF Leaps off a nearby rooftop with her two-headed spear and plunges it deep into the back of the creature. The creature stands there motionless, the fire dimming in its faceplate, Sif standing atop its back. The Asgardians have a brief moment of hope. But the creature stirs with life, its fire igniting once again. Sif looks on with growing trepidation. Slowly, unnaturally, the Destroyer spins its torso around 180 degrees to face its attackers. The Destroyer unleashes a blast at Sif. She barely dives off of the behemoth in time, dodging the blast. The Destroyer rises again to its full height, pulling free from Sif's staff, the weapon slipping through the slats of its armor. Sif and the Warriors Three try to regroup, when the Destroyer unleashes another blast, sending Sif and her comrades flying in all directions. Hogun's POUCH OF HEALING STONES breaks free, landing in the middle of the street. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - DAY 131 131 131 Thor sees his friends lying injured on the ground, but has no time to act, as the Destroyer fires in his direction. A storefront near Smith Motor EXPLODES, knocking Thor, Jane, and Selvig off their feet. Thor helps Jane to her feet, when they notice Selvig lying on his back amidst the debris, impaled by a twisted piece of iron. JANE Erik! She and Thor hurry to his side. He's losing blood, going into shock. 121. SELVIG (TO JANE) Go! Leave me! Jane takes his hand as Thor spots Hogun's pouch of healing stones lying in the middle of the street. He makes a break for it, dodging through the flaming wreckage, then grabs the pouch and races back. He opens the pouch to find the fragile stones crushed and useless. He pours the contents out in his hand. THOR Come on... give me one! Amidst the useless powder, he finally finds one stone still intact. Thor tosses the pouch aside, holds the stone over the end of the iron rod. JANE What are you doing? What is that? As the stone begins to glow, Thor crushes it. Jane looks on, amazed, as the glowing powder falls upon the piece of iron, dissolving it, heading downwards, until it reaches Selvig's wound. The powder heals his wound completely. Thor looks down the street, sees his wounded friends still lying there, as Selvig sits up in utter astonishment. He reaches through the hole in his shirt to touch his healed flesh. SELVIG (to Jane, re: Thor) I'm really starting to like him. Jane turns to Thor to find he's gone. EXT. DOWN THE STREET 132 132 132 Thor reaches Sif, who lies dazed, battered, and bloodied on the ground. He pulls her behind a burning vehicle. THOR Go, while you can! SIF But the others... THOR You can't help them now. Your job is to survive. 122. She struggles to sit up. SIF No! I will die a warrior's death. Stories will be told of this day-- He gently takes her shield from her. THOR Live and tell those stories yourself. At last, she nods. Thor spots Volstagg lying unconscious, with Hogun and Fandral lying nearby. Thor makes his way towards them. Volstagg is barely breathing. Thor tries to pull him to safety, but it's no use. He won't budge. He rouses Hogun and Fandral. THOR (CONT'D) (RE: VOLSTAGG) Get him out of here! FANDRAL No. We can still fight! THOR But not win. Move Volstagg, or he'll die! Thor looks at them, grins. THOR (CONT'D) Don't worry, my friends. I have a plan. The two Warriors reluctantly grab their fallen friend and drag him away from the battlefield. After they go, Thor turns to back to the Destroyer, then tosses Sif's shield aside. He strides down the street towards the behemoth, completely defenseless. THOR (CONT'D) Brother... for whatever I have done to wrong you, whatever I have done to lead you to do this, I am sorry. But these people have done nothing to you. They are innocents. He continues towards the Destroyer. THOR (CONT'D) Take my life, and know I will never return to Asgard. 123. Thor reaches the Destroyer, extends his arms. The Destroyer hesitates, sizing up the defenseless Thor, then swats him with its enormous arm. We hear the sickening CRACK of breaking bones as Thor goes flying. Thor lands in a crumpled, broken heap in front of Smith Motors, before Jane, Selvig, and Darcy. The wounded Asgardians watch helplessly from down the street, a look of horror on their faces. Jane tries to rush out to Thor's aid, but Selvig holds her back. SELVIG Jane, no! He pulls her into Smith Motors. A RAVEN flies overhead, watching the scene -- INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - SAME TIME 133 133 133 Odin lies in the Odinsleep. A single tear rolls down the Allfather's cheek. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - DAY 134 134 134 Thor's eyes close, his last breath leaving his lips. The Destroyer stands over Thor's body, lowers its head towards him. It opens its faceplate, locks it in place, readying to unleash its fiery blast. EXT. SHIELD DESERT BASE 135 135 135 Inside the crater, the RUNES of the side of Mjolnir reappear, burning bright. Electricity starts to CRACKLE on the hammer's surface. SCIENTISTS beside it take notice as it vibrates, and a RUMBLE comes from overhead. They look up. Clouds form in the sky above. Just then, with a CRACK and flash of lightning, Mjolnir flies straight up into the air like a rocket. EXT. MAIN STREET 136 136 136 The Destroyer unleashes its blast at Thor's body, when -- KRAKAKABOOM! A blinding BOLT OF LIGHTNING strikes down from above, colliding with the Destroyer's blast. The explosion is massive. The Destroyer is hurled backwards, a cloud of dust enveloping the street. As the smoke clears we see -- JANE Oh. My. God. 124. THE MIGHTY THOR Clad in his full battle armor, holding Mjolnir in his hand -- the God of Thunder once more. Thor kneels, brings Mjolnir down onto the ground. KRAKABOOM! Lightning strikes the Destroyer. It convulses. Thor swings Mjolnir around, takes off straight up into the air, as the Destroyer gets back on its feet and looks up at the Thunder God. Storm clouds gather around Thor as he summons gale force winds. Debris from the battle begins to rise up into the sky. The Destroyer stays there, kept grounded by its massive weight. It lifts its head up at the Thunder God, opens its faceplate, locks it in place, unleashes its blast. Thor dives downwards straight at it, with Mjolnir before him. Mjolnir collides with the Destroyer's fiery energy blast, overpowering it, pushing it back, forcing it downwards at the Destroyer. Thor jams his hammer deep into the Destroyer's faceplate. The fiery energy within the creature builds up and EXPLODES within him, firing out of all his openings. Thor smashes the Destroyer to the ground in a tremendous heap, the fiery energy within it extinguished forever. Thor pulls Mjolnir from its faceplate, walks away from its lifeless carcass. As he does, the other objects and debris pulled into the air by the gale winds drop down from the skies, around the Destroyer, burying it. Jane and Thor's comrades, now roused, stand to join him. A battered Coulson approaches with several SHIELD AGENTS. COULSON Donald... I don't think you've been completely honest with me. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 137 137 137 Thor, Jane, Darcy, Selvig and the other Asgardians stand in the desert with Thor, Coulson, and several SHIELD AGENTS. Darcy turns to Volstagg. DARCY So, how can you speak our language? VOLSTAGG Your language? Ha! Silly girl, you're speaking ours. Thor calls up to the sky. THOR Heimdall! Open the Bifrost! 125. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 138 138 138 Heimdall stands frozen. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 139 139 139 Thor looks to the others with concern. THOR He would open it if he could. I fear the worst. VOLSTAGG Then we're trapped here forever. FANDRAL Then I suppose we'd best start settling into our new lives. He looks to Darcy, turns on the charm. FANDRAL (CONT'D) Are all earth maidens as fair as you? Darcy enjoys the attention. DARCY No. Thor shouts back up to the sky. THOR Heimdall! EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 140 140 140 From inside the ice, Heimdall hears Thor calling to him. Knowing that the fate of Asgard depends on him, he musters all his strength. The ice around him begins to CRACK. With a tremendous effort, Heimdall SHATTERS free from the ice. Weakened, near death, he drags himself inside the Observatory. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 141 141 141 The Asgardians begin to lose hope. Volstagg eyes a SHIELD Agent's machine gun. VOLSTAGG Primitive. Good enough for hunting small game, I suppose. Suddenly, the Bifrost EXPLODES down from the sky. Thor grins. The mortals look on, amazed. Fandral turns to Darcy. 126. FANDRAL Sorry, my love. These things happen. He joins the other Asgardians at their side. Thor turns to Coulson. THOR Know this, son of Coul. You and I, we fight for the same cause -- the protection of this world. From this day forward, count me as your ally. (THEN) If you return the items you have stolen from Jane Foster. COULSON Not stolen. Borrowed. Jane shoots him a look. Coulson quickly continues. COULSON (CONT'D) You'll get your equipment back. You're going to need it to continue your research... which, after today's events, SHIELD would like to fully sponsor. If that's all right with you. Thor takes Jane's hand, kisses it tenderly. She looks at him, her eyes filled with the fear that she may never see him again. THOR Whatever fate lies before me, you are part of it. He takes her in his arms, kisses her passionately. Thor and the Asgardians leap into the Bifrost. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 142 142 142 The Asgardians emerge from the Bifrost to find Heimdall slumped over his controls. THOR (to the others) Get him to the healing room! Leave my brother to me. Thor bolts out the door. 127. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 143 143 143 Odin lies in the Odinsleep, Frigga at his bedside. She hears the SHOUTS of Guards outside, the sound of a battle. Frigga grabs a sword. A Frost Giant bursts in. She swings the sword around hard, cleaving into his shoulder. He swats her aside angrily. Laufey and the Brute Frost Giant enter. Laufey looks at Odin lying helpless on the bed. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 144 144 144 Thor rides the winds over the Bridge, speeding towards the palace. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 145 145 145 The Jotun king stands over the unconscious Odin, relishing the moment. He forms an ICE BLADE. EXT. ODIN'S PALACE - DAY 146 146 146 Thor races through the entrance to the palace. INT. ODIN'S CHAMBERS - DAY 147 147 147 Laufey stands before the sleeping Odin. LAUFEY It's said you can still see and hear what transpires around you, even in this state. I hope it's true, so that you may know your death came by the hand of Laufey. He raises his blade above Odin's body, when -- A BLAST OF ENERGY Hits him from behind. As the Jotun king falls to the ground, we see it is not Thor standing behind him, but Loki, holding Gungnir. LOKI And your death came by the son of Odin. Laufey dies as the other two shocked Frost Giants move for Loki. He fires Gungnir at one, blasting him against a wall, taking him out. The Brute is nearly upon him, when the Jotun stops suddenly, his eyes going wide. The Brute falls to the ground, 128. REVEALING -- FRIGGA Standing behind him -- the sword stuck in his back. She looks to Loki, takes him in her arms. LOKI I swear to you, mother, they will pay for what they've done today. I will end the Jotun threat, now and forever! He looks to Odin. LOKI (CONT'D) And I will make you proud. Loki savors the moment, but it's short- lived, as Thor bursts in. He's thrown by the scene before him -- Odin safe, Laufey and two Jotuns dead, Frigga regarding Loki with pride and respect. Stunned and delighted to see Thor, Frigga beams. FRIGGA Thor! She moves to Thor and hugs him, but Thor's eyes remain fixed on his brother. Loki looks at Mjolnir in his brother's hand. LOKI Found its way back to you, did it? THOR No thanks to you. Frigga picks up on the tension building between her sons. FRIGGA What? THOR Why don't you tell her? How you sent the Destroyer to kill our friends? To kill me? Frigga looks to Loki, alarmed and confused. LOKI It must have been enforcing Father's last command. 129. THOR You're a talented liar, brother. Always have been. LOKI (SMILES) It's good to have you back. (DEAD SERIOUS) Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to destroy Jotunheim. Loki suddenly raises Gungnir, FIRES it point- blank at Thor. Thor goes flying backwards, SMASHING through the chamber walls, into... INT. ODIN'S PALACE - CORRIDOR 148 148 148 Thor flies from the blast through ANOTHER wall on the opposite side of the corridor, to... EXT. PALACE GROUNDS - DAY 149 149 149 Thor plummets from the palace and CRASHES into the reflecting pools below. EXT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 150 150 150 Loki speeds on horseback down the Rainbow Bridge, then quickly dismounts and enters the Observatory. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY - DAY 151 151 151 Loki operates the Observatory's controls. The massive turret spins, points. EXT. PALACE GROUNDS - DAY 152 152 152 Thor awakens to the sound of the Bifrost. He stands, sees the Observatory firing the Bifrost energy into space. He looks to where the Bifrost is aimed. THOR Jotunheim... EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - DAY 153 153 153 Thor soars on the winds above the Rainbow Bridge, the Bifrost energy roaring through Bridge, feeding into the Observatory. He lands before the Observatory's huge doorway. 130. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY 154 154 154 Thor enters, shields his eyes from the brilliant light of the Bifrost energy blasting towards Jotunheim. He looks over to the controls, sees that they're frozen in an enormous block of ice. Loki stands atop it. LOKI All these years, and no one's ever dared to use it as a weapon. Thor hurries to the ice, raises his hammer to SMASH through it to get to the controls frozen within. Before he can, Loki fires Gungnir. The blast hits the ice in front of Thor, blasting him back across the floor. Loki steps down from the ice as Thor staggers to his feet. LOKI (CONT'D) You can't stop it. The Bifrost will build until it rips Jotunheim apart. THOR Why have you done this? LOKI To do what Father never could. To destroy their kind forever. When he awakens, he'll see the wisdom of what I've done. THOR He won't! You can't kill an entire race! LOKI What is this newfound love for the Frost Giants? You, who would have killed them all with your bare hands. THOR I've changed. LOKI So have I. Loki hits Thor across the face with Gungnir. LOKI (CONT'D) Fight me. 131. He swings Gungnir at Thor again. Thor catches it in his hand, rears back his hammer as if ready to return the blow, but instead takes to the air and flies past Loki, back towards the frozen controls. Loki spins around, aims Gungnir, and fires a blast which immobilizes Thor in the air. He hangs there, suspended. THOR Is the throne really worth what you've done? What you would become? LOKI I never wanted the throne. I only wanted to be your equal. Now fight me! With a gesture of Gungnir, he flings Thor to the ground. Thor rises to his feet, turns to Loki. THOR I will not fight you, brother. LOKI I am not your brother. I never was. THOR Loki, this is madness... Loki grins. LOKI Is it? He FIRES Gungnir at Thor. Thor dodges the blast, rolls to his feet. LOKI (CONT'D) What happened to you on earth that turned you so soft? Don't tell me it was a woman. Thor doesn't answer. Loki laughs, realizing he's right. LOKI (CONT'D) It was. Perhaps when we're finished here I'll pay her a little visit myself. That did it. Loki and Thor rush at each other. They and their weapons collide. The two battle -- Loki unleashing years of pent-up rage and jealousy, Thor having no choice but to defend himself. 132. EXT. JOTUNHEIM - DAY 155 155 155 It's mayhem. The growing Bifrost TEARS through the ice of the planet like a destructive wave, breaking it apart. JOTUNS go running in terror, others fall through the breaking ice. EXT. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) 156 156 156 Jane, Selvig, Darcy, and Coulson look up with concern at the hole in the sky, where excess Bifrost energy builds up around it. SELVIG Jane? JANE Something's wrong. INT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY 157 157 157 Thor and Loki battle savagely. Loki fires Gungnir, sending Thor sliding across the floor and knocking Mjolnir from his hand. The hammer flies into the Bifrost towards Jotunheim. Thor raises his hand towards his hammer, tries to summon it back to him, to keep it in this Realm, but the Bifrost is too powerful. Mjolnir disappears into the maelstrom as Thor himself slides towards the Bifrost. LOKI If you care so much for the Jotuns, then die with them. The Bifrost stretches every cell of Thor's body, trying to drag him away. He's nearly swallowed by the vortex, when he concentrates, mustering his will. He reaches out his hand towards the Bifrost. MJOLNIR flies back through the maelstrom, into Thor's hand. The hammer pulls him free. Loki tries to fire off another blast at him, but Thor takes to the air, speeds towards his brother. EXT. HEIMDALL'S OBSERVATORY 158 158 158 Thor and Loki come CRASHING through the Observatory dome and land hard, rolling across the Rainbow Bridge. As Thor gets to his feet, he sees Loki dangling off the Bridge's edge. LOKI Thor! Help me! 133. Thor steps over to the side of the Bridge, sees Loki looking up at him desperately. LOKI (CONT'D) Please... Loki's fingers start to slip. Thor reaches down to grab his brother's wrist, but his hand passes through Loki's. Just then, the REAL LOKI materializes behind him. Thor whirls around as Loki STABS him in the chest with Gungnir. Loki lifts Thor into the air, impaled on the spear, and hurls him across the bridge. Thor, bleeding, rises to his knees. Loki strides up behind him to finish him off, when Thor swing his hammer around. It passes through him. Instantly, another Loki appears next to him, Thor swings his hammer, but that too is an illusion. Loki after Loki appears, Thor futilely swinging at each one, never making contact. Thor falls back to his knees. The Lokis grin as their raises their spears, encircling him. LOKIS I was always more clever than you. THOR Yet still not clever enough. With that, Thor raises his hammer, rising into the air, summoning lightning. A massive bolt strikes Mjolnir, then channels outwards, splitting up, striking each one of the Lokis. All of them dissipate into nothingness, save one -- the real Loki -- who's sent flying back across the Bridge, Gungnir knocked from his grasp. Thor steps over to his fallen brother, lying dazed on his back. Loki winces, prepares for the worst, when Thor steps away. Loki opens his eyes, tries to stand, but can't. He looks confused, then sees what the problem is -- Mjolnir rests atop his chest. Struggle as he may, Loki can't lift it off. He's pinned to the ground. Thor looks about him desperately -- at the Bifrost firing towards Jotunheim, gaining in strength, at the surge of energy moving through the Bridge. He's at a loss of what to do. Loki watches him smugly. LOKI Look at you, the Mighty Thor. With all your strength, what good does it do you now? Thor knows Loki's right. He's powerless to stop what's happening. (MORE) 134. He looks down at the Bridge beneath his feet, VIBRATING from the force and speed of the Bifrost energy feeding into the Observatory. Then he gets an idea. He realizes what he must do -- and what he must sacrifice. Thor extends his hand towards Loki, summoning Mjolnir. The hammer goes flying to his grasp. Loki looks confused. Thor raises Mjolnir in the air. Clouds form above him, thunder RUMBLING. Lightning arcs off of his hammer, as he channels the power of the storm into it, then -- He strikes Mjolnir down upon the Rainbow Bridge. The blow is massive, causing a rumbling along the whole bridge, shaking the Observatory itself like an earthquake. A crack appears where the blow struck. Loki rises to his feet. LOKI (CONT'D) Stop! What are you doing?! Thor lifts the hammer again, brings it down harder. BOOM! The crack grows bigger. The Bifrost energy starts to stream out from it. Loki thinks fast. LOKI (CONT'D) If you destroy the Bridge, you'll never see her again! Loki grabs Gungnir, runs towards him, ready to pierce Thor through the back. THOR Forgive me. Summoning every bit of strength he has left, Thor raises Mjolnir one last time, drawing lightning to it from all sides, and brings it down with a final, terrible blow -- KRAKABOOM! The Bifrost SHATTERS, rainbow energy EXPLODING out of it. Both Loki and Thor are hurled into the air by the force of the blast. A wave of destruction moves forward along the Bridge towards the Observatory, breaking it apart as it goes. The Observatory RIPS ITSELF APART. As Loki and Thor fall together, Thor grabs hold of one end of Gungnir, while Loki still clutches the other. They both fall towards the MASSIVE WAVE of Bifrost energy which spews out from the broken Bridge. They're an instant from being blasted by the destructive force of the energy, carried away by the current, pulverized by the debris, when -- LOKI (CONT'D) 135. A POWERFUL HAND Catches Thor's leg. Thor dangles there, holding onto Gungnir as Loki hangs onto the other end. Loki looks up, shocked to SEE -- ODIN ALLFATHER Standing on the edge of the broken Bridge, awakened from the Odinsleep, restored to his full strength. Loki searches his father's face, looking for some kind of approval, some kind of redemption, but all he sees is disappointment and regret. Loki lets go. THOR No! But it's too late. Odin and Thor can only watch as Loki falls into the rushing torrent of Bifrost energy. It carries him away, along with the debris of the Bridge and the Observatory, disappearing out of sight. Odin pulls Thor up onto the Bridge. Drained, Thor falls back into his father's arms. ODIN It is over. BIFROST LANDING SITE (EARTH) - DAY 159 159 159 The Bifrost energy explodes in the sky like fireworks firing in all directions. Jane, Selvig, Darcy, and Coulson stand watching in amazement. Jane looks back up at the sky, distraught. She knows the significance of what's just happened. JANE It's gone. INT. ODIN'S PALACE - BANQUET HALL - NIGHT 160 160 160 A FEAST is in progress as Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three sit amongst the gathered Asgardians. Hogun sits between Fandral and Volstagg, who is in the middle of recounting their battle with the Destroyer. VOLSTAGG ...and then, with a mighty bellow, I flew at the great metal beast and laid it low... 136. FANDRAL Is that another way of saying you fell on your huge a-- VOLSTAGG As a matter of fact, falling down was a tactic. Lulling the Destroyer into a false sense of security! FANDRAL Well, I was the one who had to drag your enormous carcass off the battlefield. That makes me the real hero. Doesn't it, Hogun? Hogun points to Volstagg. HOGUN Big stomach. (points to Fandral) Big mouth. The other gathered Asgardians laugh. Volstagg and Fandral look to Hogun. The grim warrior gives just a trace of a smile. FANDRAL Well, how about that? A smile! I'd say that calls for another drink! They laugh and raise another round. Frigga sits nearby, lost in thought, her face betraying the sadness she struggles to conceal. Sif notices, approaches Frigga, bows her head. SIF My Queen. I am so sorry for your loss. Frigga takes Sif's hand appreciatively. FRIGGA Thank you, Sif. She looks to Thor, who's unable to enjoy the merriment around him. FRIGGA (CONT'D) How is he? SIF He mourns for his brother. And he misses her. The mortal. (MORE) 137. Frigga sees the trace of regret in Sif's face as she looks at Thor with new feelings. He rises and leaves the hall. FRIGGA He will need his friends now more than ever. SIF I will always be at his side. Frigga understands, puts her arm around Sif gratefully. EXT. PALACE BALCONY - NIGHT 161 161 161 Thor stands alone on the balcony, lost in thought. Odin walks up behind him. ODIN You'll be a wise King. THOR There will never be a wiser king than you. Or a better father. (THEN) I have much to learn. I know that now. But some day, perhaps, I will make you proud. ODIN You've already made me proud. Odin leaves, Thor consoled by his words. EXT. RAINBOW BRIDGE - NIGHT 162 162 162 Out of the broken, jagged Rainbow Bridge flows the Bifrost energy, drifting off into space. Thor walks out to its edge, where Heimdall stands watch. Thor stares out at the stellar void. THOR Can you see her? Heimdall turns, gazes out towards Earth. HEIMDALL Yes. THOR How is she? SIF (CONT'D) 138. EXT. SMITH MOTORS - LAB - NIGHT 163 163 163 Through the window into Jane's lab, we see an enlarged ILLUSTRATION from her notebook pinned to a board. As we pull away, we see a computer terminal displaying a program clearly inspired by the illustration. We pull further back to see that the lab has been transformed into a well-funded research facility, abuzz with activity. SHIELD SCIENTISTS and AGENTS work with impressive, state-of- the-art equipment. Selvig orchestrates the process, giving instructions to the SCIENTISTS. We continue to track right outside the glass windows and rise up to find Jane sitting at the front of the roof, working at a small, improvised workstation, notebook at hand, as always. She sets up an impressive, HIGH-TECH DEVICE before her, which bears the "STARK INDUSTRIES"¬ù logo. From behind, Darcy approaches, hands her a flash drive. DARCY Here you go. JANE Thanks. Jane inserts the flash drive into the device. DARCY He would have come back if he could. JANE I know. But if he can't get here on his own... Jane hits a switch on the device. Suddenly, a 3-D HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTION bursts to life over the device, bathing the two women in its glow. We recognize what it is -- YGGDRASIL, in all its beauty. JANE (CONT'D) ...maybe we can help him find his way back. OMITTED COMBINED WITH SCENE 163 ABOVE 164 164 164 FADE OUT: THE END 139.

{"title": "Thor"}

marvel/pdunton

[Odin] (voice over) Long before the birth of light there was darkness, and from that darkness, came the Dark Elves. Millennia ago, the most ruthless of their kind, Malekith, sought to transform our universe back into one of eternal night. (Malekith is looking up at the Convergence) [Odin] Such evil was possible through the power of the Aether, an ancient force of infinite destruction. (the Aether is shown) [Odin] The noble armies of Asgard, led by my father, King Bor, waged a mighty war against these creatures. (the Dark Elves and Asgardians are shown fighting) (Kurse walks up to Malekith) [Kurse] (subtitled) Malekith! Asgard's forces are upon us. (the Bifrost opens, and bor steps out with Asgardian reinforcements) [Malekith] Send the Kursed. (some soldiers crush objects in their hands and become giant hulk-like creatures) (Malekith looks up at the Convergence again) [Odin] As the Nine Worlds converged above him, Malekith could at last unleash the Aether... (Malekith and Kurse walk up to the Aether) (however, the Bifrost opens and Asgardian warriors attack Malekith, whom he kills) (the Bifrost disappears, just as Malekith tries to get the Aether, but it is no longer there) [Odin] But Asgard ripped the weapon from his grasp. Without it, the Dark Elves fell. With the battle all but lost, Malekith sacrificed his own people in a desperate attempt to lay waste to Asgard's army. (Malekith watches as his forces are slaughtered) [Malekith] (subtitled) Their deaths will mean our survival. This war is far from over. (he and Kurse get onto his ship and escape without notice, while destroying the other ships in the process) (the ships kill some of the Asgardians) [Odin] Malekith was vanquished, and the Aether was no more. Or so we were led to believe. [Asgardian Einherjar] Sire, the Aether. Shall we destroy it? [Bor] If only we could. But its power is too great. Bury it deep. Somewhere no one will ever find it. (Asgard – Throne Room. Loki, in chains, is brought to Odin.) [Frigga] Loki. [Loki] Hello, mother. Have I made you proud? [Frigga] Please, don't make this worse. [Loki] Define worse. [Odin] Enough! I will speak to the prisoner alone. (Frigga leaves.) [Loki] (laughs) I really don't see what all the fuss is about. [Odin] Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death. [Loki] I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent god. Just like you. [Odin] We are not gods. We are born, we live, we die. Just as humans do. [Loki] Give or take 5000 years. [Odin] All this because Loki desires a throne. [Loki] It is my birthright. [Odin] Your birthright was to die as a child. Cast out onto a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in you would not be here now to hate me. [Loki] If I am for the axe, then for mercy's sake, just swing it. It's not that I don't love our little talks, it's just ... I don't love them. [Odin] Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again. You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeons. [Loki] And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains? [Odin] Thor must strife to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the nine realms and then, yes. He will be king. (Cut to Vanaheim) (Sif, the Warriors Three and Thor are fighting in a battle.) [Sif] I've got this completely under control! [Thor] Is that why everything is on fire? (Sif catches an arrow that was aimed at Thor with her shield.) [Sif] You're welcome. (a Kronan arrives) All yours. [Thor] Hello. (the Kronan growls) I accept your surrender. (The soldiers laugh. Thor swings his hammer and crushes the Kronan.) [Thor] Anyone else? (The soldiers surrender.) [Fandral] Perhaps next time we should start with the big one. [Guard] Keep moving. Come on! Keep moving. Go ahead of me. Don't you turn around! [Hogun] Where do we go next? [Thor] Hogun, the peace is nearly won across the Nine Realms. You should stay here. Be with your people, where your heart is. Asgard can wait. [Hogun] You have my thanks. [Thor] As you have mine. Heimdall, when you're ready. (Cut to Asgard) [Odin] Is Vanaheim secure? [Thor] As are Nornheim and Ria. Though our work would have gone more quickly with you at the fore. [Odin] You must think I'm a piece of bread that needs to be buttered so heavily. [Thor] That was not my intent. [Odin] For the first time since the Bifrost was destroyed, the Nine Realms are at peace. They're well reminded of our strength and you have earned their respect and my gratitude. [Thor] Thank you. [Odin] Nothing out of order except your confused and distracted heart. [Thor] This isn't about Jane Foster, Father. [Odin] Human lives are fleeting, they are nothing. You'd be better served by what lies in front of you (Camera briefly turns to Sif) I'm telling you this not as the all-father but as your father. You are ready. The time has come for you to take the throne. Embrace and celebrate what you've won. Join your warriors. Eat and drink, revel in their celebration. At least pretend to enjoy yourself. (and as they celebrate, as he watches the others enjoying themselves it's obvious his heart is not in it, he walks over to the balcony to join Sif) [Sif] There was a time you would celebrate for weeks. [Thor] I remember you celebrated the battle of Haragon so much that you nearly started a second. [Sif] Well, the first was so much fun. (they both smile) [Sif] Take a drink with me. Surely the All-Father could have no further task for you tonight. [Thor] No, this is one I set myself. [Sif] It has not gone unnoticed that you disappear each night. There are Nine Realms. Future king of Asgard must focus on more than one. [Thor] I thank you for your sword and for your counsel, good Lady Sif. (he turns and walks off) (in London Jane is on a date with a man named Richard, Jane is looking at her menu feeling awkward when Richard slides a napkin in front of her with the word 'Hi' written on it) [Richard] Hi. [Jane Foster] Hi. [Richard] So what's the story with you? [Jane Foster] Why does there have to be a story, there's no story. [Richard] You've spent the first ten minutes of our date hiding behind a menu that has three choices on it. It's either chicken, vegetarian or fish, Jane. I think there's a story and I'm thinking the story involves a guy? [Jane Foster] It's complicated. [Richard] Is he still around? [Jane Foster] No, he...went away. [Richard] I've been there. The going away, it's hard. I'd been seeing a woman and uh...she took a job in New York, eventually the distance killed it. And...and the fact that she uh...she kept sleeping with other dudes. [Jane Foster] No! [Richard] Oh, so many. (Darcy walks up to Jane and Richard's table) [Richard] Hi. Um...could we get some wine please? [Darcy Lewis] Sure, I'd love some. [Jane Foster] Richard, this is Darcy. (to Darcy) What are you doing here? (Darcy grabs a chair from the opposite table and drags it across to their table) [Richard] Oh, hello. (Darcy sits next to Jane and helps herself to a piece of bread and starts buttering it) [Darcy Lewis] So, I show up to work at the lab-slash-your mom's house, fully expecting you to be moping around in your pajamas eating ice cream obsessing about you know who... [Richard] Ah. [Darcy Lewis] But you're not! You're wearing lady clothes, you even showered, didn't you? You smell good. [Jane Foster] Is there a point to all this, cause there really has to be a point to all this. [Darcy Lewis] Right. You know that scientific equipment you don't look at anymore? You might wanna start looking at it now (she gives Jane the gadget) [Darcy Lewis] This is the reason we came all the way out here. [Jane Foster] It's malfunctioning. [Darcy Lewis] That's what I said. (Jane starts hitting the gadget on the table) [Darcy Lewis] That's what I did! But you just hit a little more scientific. [Jane Foster] I'm sure it's nothing. [Richard] Yeah. (Jane hands the gadget back to Darcy) [Darcy Lewis] It didn't look like nothing. Kind of looks like the readings that Erik was rambling about. (to Richard) Our friend Erik, kind of went banana-balls. [Jane Foster] He's not interested. I'm not interested. Time for you to go now. [Darcy Lewis] Okay. (Jane rises and drags her chair back to where she got it from, then turns and walks off) [Richard] Short but sweet. [Jane Foster] She needs help. (they start looking at their menus again, but Jane looks distracted by what Darcy told her) [Richard] I think I'm gonna have the sea bass. [Jane Foster] Sea bass. Yeah, sea bass is good. (to herself as she thinks about what Darcy showed her) [Jane Foster] Sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass, sea bass...sea bass. Sea bass... [Richard] Jane, maybe you should stop saying sea bass and go out to your friend. (Jane looks at him awkwardly) [Jane Foster] This was so fun. [Richard] You know, I'll just stay here and say sea bass alone. (Jane enters Darcy's car parked outside the restaurant) [Jane Foster] And I hate you. [Darcy Lewis] What?! I thought he was cute. [Jane Foster] Just shut up and drive. (Darcy pulls out and drive off, as they are driving through London suddenly Jane's is shocked to see a guy sat in the back seat) [Jane Foster] Who's he? [Darcy Lewis] He's my intern. [Jane Foster] You have an intern? [Darcy Lewis] Oh, yeah. [Ian Boothby] Hello, Dr. Foster. It's uh...it's a great honor to be working with you. [Jane Foster] Right. I have to call Erik. (to Darcy as he checks the navigator) [Ian Boothby] Oh, uh...take a right. (Darcy quickly makes a sharp turn) [Ian Boothby] Left! (she then turns quickly left) [Darcy Lewis] I have totally mastered driving in London. (Jane calls Erik and leaves a message) [Jane Foster] Hi, Erik, it's me again. Where are you? I came here because you said you were onto something and then vanished. (a news report is then shown where Selvig is naked and running around Stonehenge while the police try to catch him) [Stonehenge TV News Reporter] I'm here at Stonehenge, for what has been an interesting unfolding of events today. The police reported the scene shortly after 11 a.m. this morning, after a seemingly harmless rambler approached the area then started to strip naked and effectively terrorize tourists there with scientific equipment while shouting that he was trying to save them. The man later identified as noted Astrophysicist Dr. Erik Selvig has been called in for questioning by police. (Darcy pulls up outside an old abandoned factory and they all get out of the car) [Darcy Lewis] Come on, this is exciting! Look, the intern is excited. [Ian Boothby] Ian. [Darcy Lewis] Do you want the phase meter? [Jane Foster] No. [Darcy Lewis] (to Ian) Bring the phase meter. (she throws the car keys at Ian and starts walking off) [Darcy Lewis] The toaster looking thing. [Ian Boothby] I know what the phase meter is. (as Jane walks towards the factory Darcy calls her on her cell phone which starts playing an annoying music tone) [Jane Foster] How do I change the ring tone on this thing? [Darcy Lewis] An Astrophysicist with three degrees should be able to change her own ring tone. (Jane turns to look at Darcy) [Jane Foster] Why are you calling me? [Darcy Lewis] I didn't want to shout. (to Ian, who's following behind her) Intern, the entrance is this way. [Ian Boothby] Ian. My name's Ian. (as they enter the old factory they hear a noise) [Darcy Lewis] I am not getting stabbed in the name of science. (she holds up her hands and shouts) [Darcy Lewis] It's okay, we're Americans! [Jane Foster] Is that supposed to make them like us? (suddenly the hear some kids voices) [Maddie] Make it go away... [Navid] Ssh! (three kids come out of their hiding place) [Jane Foster] Oh, they're kids. [Maddie] Are you the police? [Jane Foster] No, we're scientists. Well, I am. [Darcy Lewis] Thanks. [Navid] We just found it. [Jane Foster] Can you show us? (the three kids lead Jane, Darcy and Ian to a truck, one of the boys touches the truck and pushes it up with two fingers, they watch in amazement as the truck floats in mid-air) [Darcy Lewis] That doesn't seem rigged. (the kids then take them to a stairwell in the factory, one of them drops a bottle down and they watch as the bottle disappears into thin air) [Darcy Lewis] Where did it go? (the girl points her finger up, they look up to see the bottle reappear above them and continuously fall and disappear in the same spots in the air) [Darcy Lewis] That's...that's incredible. (Jane picks up an empty can and drops it down and it does the same thing, it disappears into thin air, but when they look up to watch it reappear nothing happens) [Darcy Lewis] What happened? [Maddie] Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't. [Darcy Lewis] I want to throw something. Jane, give me your shoe. (Jane picks up her gadget to look at the readings) [Jane Foster] I haven't seen readings like this since... [Darcy Lewis] New Mexico? (Jane give Darcy a meaningful look before rushing off) [Jane Foster] Don't touch anything! [Darcy Lewis] (to Ian) Give me your shoe. (Jane walks away from the others and watches them on the stairwell dropping objects down and watching them disappear and reappear, she sees looks at her gadget and sees the anomaly is nearby and starts walking off; back on the stairwell, Ian drops the car keys down and they watch it disappear but when they look up it doesn't reappear) [Darcy Lewis] Where those the car keys? (Jane follows the readings on her gadget which takes her to another part of the factory, as the readings get stronger a gust of wind pushes her forward and she finds herself teleported in another realm) [Jane Foster] Darcy! (she looks around and finds the column holding the Aether, she reaches her hand out and suddenly the Aether enters her body and she passes out; at the same time we see Malekith being awakened in his ship, knowing that the Aether has been found) [Malekith] (subtitled) The Aether awakens us. The Convergence returns. (back in Asgard, Thor walks up the bridge towards Heimdall) [Heimdall] You're late. [Thor] Merriment can sometimes be a heavier burden than battle. [Heimdall] Then you're doing one of them incorrectly. (Thor chuckles) [Thor] Perhaps. How fare the stars? [Heimdall] Still shining. From here I can see Nine Realms and ten trillion souls. (Heimdall looks at Thor for a moment) [Heimdall] You recall what I told you of the Convergence? [Thor] Yes, the alignment of the worlds. It approaches, doesn't it? [Heimdall] The universe hasn't seen this marvel since before my watch began. Few can sense, even fewer can see it. A world that's infected can be dangerous. It is truly beautiful. (they looks out into the stars) [Thor] I see nothing. [Heimdall] Or perhaps that is not the beauty you seek. (Thor laughs) [Thor] How is she? [Heimdall] She's quite clever, your mortal. She doesn't know it yet, but she studies the Convergence as well. Even... (Heimdall stops as he senses something) [Thor] What? [Heimdall] I can't see her. (we see Jane being infected by the Aether) (after Jane is infected with the Aether she reawakens in the factory, she runs out to find Darcy has called the police) [Darcy Lewis] Jane! Where the hell were you? [Jane Foster] Tell me you didn't call the police! [Darcy Lewis] What was I supposed to do? [Jane Foster] Not call the police! [Darcy Lewis] I was freaking out. [Jane Foster] You call the cops they tell the feds, the next thing you know we have SHIELD crawling all over area fifty-one-ing the place. [Darcy Lewis] Jane! [Jane Foster] We had a stable gratification anomaly, we had unheeded access. Our only competition was ten years old! [Darcy Lewis] Jane, you were gone for five hours! [Jane Foster] What? (suddenly the weather turns, it starts raining and they hear the sound of thunder, Jane looks around her and puts her hand out) [Darcy Lewis] That's weird. (they see it's raining but it's not raining on Jane and Darcy, there's an invisible barrier protecting them, suddenly Jane sees Thor standing a few feet away from them, Jane hands her gadget to Darcy and walks towards Thor, as she walks away the invisible barrier follows her and the rain starts falling on Darcy) Typical. (as Jane walks towards Thor) [Thor] Jane. (as she reaches him suddenly she slaps him hard in the face) [Jane Foster] Sorry. I just needed to make sure you were real, it's been a very strange day. [Thor] Well, I am. Jane... (suddenly she slaps him again) [Jane Foster] Where were you?! [Thor] Where were you? Heimdall could not see you. [Jane Foster] I was right here where you left me. I was waiting and then I was crying and then I went out looking for you. You said you were coming back [Thor] I know, I know, but the Bifrost was destroyed. The Nine Realms erupted into chaos, wars were raging, marauding hordes were pillaging. I had to put an end to the slaughter. [Jane Foster] As excuses go, that's not terrible. But I saw you on TV, you were...you were in New York! [Thor] Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong, I was a fool. (Thor places his hand Jane's face) I believe that fate brought us together. Jane, I don't know where you were or what happened, but I do know this. [Jane Foster] What? [Thor] I know... [Jane Foster] You do? [Thor] Do what? (they lean in close and just as they are about to kiss Darcy interrupts them; referring to the rain) [Jane Foster] Hey! Is that you? (Thor looks up and the rain stops) [Jane Foster] Uh...we're kind of in the middle of something. [Darcy Lewis] Um...I'm pretty sure we are getting arrested. [Jane Foster] (to Thor) Hold that thought. (she turns and runs towards the police) [Darcy Lewis] Look at you, still all muscly and everything. How's space? [Thor] Space is fine. (Jane walks over to the police) [Jane Foster] Excuse me? [Police Officer #1] Are you Jane Foster? [Jane Foster] Yes. [Police Officer #1] (referring to Ian) Do you know this man? [Jane Foster] He's my intern. My intern's intern. [Police Officer #1] This is private property and you're trespassing, the lot of you. You'll have to come with me. (the police officer goes t grab Jane's arm but suddenly the force from the Aether creates a powerful force which pushes the officer and everything else away, Thor runs towards Jane who's lying on the ground) [Thor] Jane! Jane? (he helps her stand) You alright? [Jane Foster] What just happened? (the other police officer approaches Jane apprehensively) [Police Officer #2] Place your hands on your head, step back! [Thor] The woman is unwell. [Police Officer #2] She's dangerous. [Thor] So am I. (talking into his radio) [Police Officer #2] Requesting armed response officers to the scene. (Thor grabs Jane and pulls her closer to him) [Thor] Hold on to me. [Jane Foster] What are you doing? (suddenly the Bifrost opens and Thor takes Jane to Asgard; Darcy looks up as they disappear) [Darcy Lewis] Holy shit! (Thor and Jane travel through the Bifrost and enter Asgard where Heimdall is guarding as always, Jane looks around her in amazement) [Jane Foster] We have to do that again. (she notices Heimdall for the first time) Hi. [Heimdall] Welcome to Asgard. (returning to their homeland, Svartalfheim, Malekith kneels and grabs a handful of dust from the ground) [Malekith] (subtitled) Look at my legacy, Algrim. I barely remember the time before light. (Algrim places his hand on Malekith's shoulder) [Algrim] (subtitled) Our survival will be your legacy. [Malekith] (subtitled) The Asgardians will suffer as we have suffered. I will reclaim the Aether. I will restore our world and I'll put an end to this poisonous world. (as the Asgardian physicians study Jane and the force within her) [Jane Foster] What's that? [Eir] Be still. (Thor watches with one of the nurses as they examine Jane) [Thor] This is not of Earth, what is it? [Asgardian Nurse] We do not know, but she will not survive the amount of energy surging within her. (the nurse turns and walks away as Thor looks at Jane with worry) [Jane Foster] That's a quantum field generator, isn't it? [Eir] It's a Soul Forge. [Jane Foster] Does a Soul Forge transfer molecular energy from one place to another? (Eir looks impressed) [Eir] Yes. (Jane looks at Thor and whispers) [Jane Foster] It's a quantum field generator. (Thor smiles at her) (Odin enters the room as the Thor looks on to Jane as she is being examined) [Odin] My words are mere noises to you that you ignore them completely? [Thor] She's ill. [Odin] She is mortal. Illness is their defining trait. [Thor] I brought here because we can help her. [Odin] She does not belong here in Asgard anymore than a goat belongs at a banquet table. (Jane sits up and looks at Thor) [Jane Foster] Did he just...? (to Odin) Who do you think you are? [Odin] I'm Odin. King of Asgard. Protector of the Nine Realms. [Jane Foster] Oh. Well, I'm... [Odin] I know very well who you are, Jane Foster. (Jane turns to look at Thor) [Jane Foster] You told your Dad about me? [Thor] Something is within her, father, something I have not seen before. [Odin] Her world has its healers, their called doctors, let them deal with it. Guards, take her back to Midgard. (as two guards approach Jane and go to grab her, suddenly the energy force within her sets off again throwing the two guards aside) [Thor] Don't touch her. (he leans down and tenderly touches Jane) Jane, are you alright? (Jane nods her head, Odin inspects the energy force running through Jane's body and realizes it's the Aether) [Odin] That's impossible. [Eir] The infection, it's defending her. [Thor] No, it's defending itself. [Odin] Come with me. There are relics that predate the universe itself. What lies within her appears to be one of them. The Nine Realms are not eternal. They had a dawn as they will have a dusk. (Odin shows Thor and Jane an ancient book) But before that dawn the dark forces, the Dark Elves, reigned absolute and unchallenged. [Thor] (reading from the book) "Born of eternal night, the Dark Elves comes to steal away your light." They were these stories mother told us as children. [Odin] Their leader, Malekith made a weapon out of that darkness, it was called the Aether. While the other relics often appeared as stones, the Aether is fluid and ever changing. It changes matter into dark matter and seeks out to host bodies, drawing strength from their life force. Malekith sought to use the Aether's power to return the universe to one of darkness. But after eternities of blood shed, my father Bor, finally triumphed, ushering in the peace that lasted thousands of years. [Jane Foster] What happened? [Odin] He killed them all. [Thor] Are you certain? The Aether was said to have been destroyed with them and yet here it is. [Odin] The Dark Elves are dead. [Jane Foster] Does your book happen to mention how to get it out of me? [Odin] No, it does not. (back on Svartalfheim, in his ship Malekith plots his vengeance against the Asgardians) [Malekith] (subtitled) The Realms will be aligned soon. (Malekith takes out a knife and turns to Algrim) [Malekith] (subtitled) You'll be the last of the Kursed. (Malekith stabs Algrim in the stomach with his knife) [Algrim] (subtitled) Let my life be sacrificed. The same as our people. [Malekith] (subtitled) You will become darkness, doomed to this existence until it consumes you. (one of the dark elves places a molten rock in Malekith's hand and Malekith places it inside Algrim's stomach) And then no power of our enemies will stop me. [Algrim] (subtitled) I'll destroy their defenses and resurrect the universe. (Malekith looks to one of his dark elves as he carries a mask) (Fandral and Volstagg return to Asgard with several prisoners, including the masked Algrim; Loki watches them from his cell as they come in) [Loki] Odin continues to bring me new friends. How thoughtful. [Frigga] The books I sent, do they not interest you? (Loki turns and we see Frigga is in Loki's cell) [Loki] Is that how I'm to while away eternity, reading? [Frigga] I've done everything in my power to make you comfortable, Loki. [Loki] Have you? Does Odin share your concern? Does Thor? It must be so inconvenient them asking after me day and night. [Frigga] You know full well it was your actions that brought you here. [Loki] My actions. I was merely giving truth to the lie that I had been fed my entire life, that I was born to be a king. [Frigga] A king? A true king admits his faults. What of the lives you took on Earth? [Loki] A mere handful compared to the number that Odin has taken himself. [Frigga] Your father... [Loki] (shouts) He's not my father! [Frigga] Then am I not your mother? (Loki hesitates for a moment) [Loki] You're not. (Frigga smiles at him with tears in her eyes) [Frigga] Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself. (she takes a step towards him and extends her hands, Loki goes to touch her hand but his hand goes through hers and we see that she's a hologram, Loki looks at Frigga with sadness and her hologram disappears) (Jane and Thor walk in Asgard) [Jane Foster] When you came for me, you knew I was in trouble. [Thor] Well Heimdall had lost sight of you, you were no longer on Earth. [Jane Foster] Well, how's that possible? [Thor] I believe you were in between worlds. The Nine Realms travel within Yggdrasil, orbiting Midgard in much the way your planet orbits the sun. Every five thousand years the worlds align perfectly, we call this the Convergence. (he takes her hand and he shows her by touching his palm to hers) During this time the boarders between worlds become blurred. It's possible you found one of these points. We are lucky that it remained open. Once the worlds pass out of alignment, the connection is lost. (he leans closer and they kiss) [Jane Foster] I liked the way you explained that. What's gonna happen to me? [Thor] I'll find a way to save you, Jane. [Jane Foster] Your father said there was... [Thor] My father doesn't know everything. (suddenly they are interrupted by Frigga) [Frigga] Don't let him hear you say that. [Thor] Jane Foster, please meet Frigga, the Queen of Asgard, my mother. (Jane looking embarrassed quickly removes her hand from Thor's mother, Frigga) [Jane Foster] Hi. (in his cell, Algrim pulls out the rock that Malekith had placed in his stomach, he crushes it in his hand, transforming himself into a Kursed, he breaks free and releases the other prisoners, Loki watches all this from his cell, then Algrim walks up to Loki's cell and he look at Loki for a moment before turning and walking away) [Loki] You might want to take the stairs to the left. (Algrim turns and looks at Loki before walking away again; outside they hear the prison alarm going off) [Frigga] The prisons. [Thor] Loki. [Frigga] (referring to Jane) Go, I will look after her. (Thor takes off with his hammer; in the prison Volstagg and Fandral enter the fight with the prisoners) [Fandral] It's as if they resent being imprisoned. [Volstagg] There's no pleasing some creatures. (as they continue to fight, Loki is sat calmly in his cell reading, suddenly Thor enters and everyone turns to look at him) [Thor] Return to your cells and further harm will come to you. You have my word. (suddenly one of the prisoners punches him in the face) Very well, you don't have my word. (Thor punches him back and starts fighting with the other prisoners) [Odin] (to his guards) Send a squadron to the weapons vault, defend it at all costs. Seal the dungeon. [Frigga] Odin. [Odin] Frigga. (to the Asgardian guards) Go! (to Frigga and Jane) It's a skirmish, nothing to fear. [Frigga] You've never been a very good liar. (at that moment Jane notices Sif as she walks past them) [Odin] Take her to you chambers, I'll come for you when it's safe. [Frigga] You take care. [Odin] Despite all I have survived, my queen still worries over me. [Frigga] It's only because I worry over you that you have survived. (Odin goes off, Frigga leads Jane away, she takes a sword from one of the guards) Listen to me now, I need you to do everything I ask and no questions. [Jane Foster] Yes, ma'am. (as Heimdall is stood in his usual guarding post, he suddenly hears something turns and runs out onto the Bifrost Bridge, he jumps onto one of Malekith's ships cloaked in invisibility, making it visible and manages to send it crashing into the sea, but he soon finds that a giant ship is behind him releasing smaller ships to attack Asgard, Heimdall activates a shield to protect Asgard but Algrim manages to deactivate it sending a ship to crash into the palace) (after Malekith's ship has crashed into the palace the Dark Elves start attacking the Asgardian soldiers killing them all, Malekith leaves the ship and goes to look for Frigga and Jane after which Odin arrives to find all the soldiers killed) [Odin] Frigga. (Malekith finds the tower where Frigga is hiding Jane and enters the room) [Frigga] Stand down, creature. You may still survive this. [Malekith] I have survived worse, woman. [Frigga] Who are you? [Malekith] I am Malekith, and I would have what it is mine. (as he walks closer to Frigga she strikes him in the face with her sword, he takes out his blade and starts fighting with Frigga, she puts up a good fight but Algrim comes to his aid and subdues her, Malekith walks towards Jane) You have taken something, child. Give it back. (Malekith stands in front of Jane and as he goes to grab her she disappears and he realizes that she's a hologram, he turns to Frigga) Witch! Where is the Aether? [Frigga] I'll never tell. [Malekith] I believe you. (suddenly Algrim stabs Frigga in the back, at the same time Thor rushes in and shoots a lightning bolt at Malekith's face, severely scarring it, he and Algrim escape and jump onto their ship before Thor can catch them; after Malekith and Algrim escape Odin arrives to find Frigga dead, he holds her body in his arms as Thor and Jane look on, a funeral is held for Frigga where all the Asgardians mourn her as her body is pushed out to the sea on a boat and the boat burnt by a flaming arrow, at the same time Loki expresses his grief in his cell) (back on Earth Erik has been institutionalized and is trying to explain the convergence to the patients in his ward) [Erik Selvig] The universe rotates on a five thousand year cycle, and once its cycled all the worlds align. (he picks up a shoe and holds it up) Imagine...imagine that this is our world, and...and... (one of the patients hands him another shoe) Oh, thank you. And this is another world. Normally they're separate, but during the alignment everything is connected. All Nine Realms, all Nine Realms are passing through each other and gravity, light, and even matter, is crunching from one world to the other. (he demonstrates with the shoes by smacking one on top of the other repeatedly) But if this happens to us now, the result would be cataclysmic. (he then puts the shoes down and picks up two pencils and holds them up) My gravimetric spikes can stabilize the focal point of the Convergence. (he puts the pencil down and picks up the shoes again) This time the alignment, and all the other worlds, would just pass up by. It's beautiful. It's simple. Any questions? (we see the patients in the ward just carrying on with their activity, no one has really taken any notice of him, then one of the patients (Stan Lee) interrupts) [Patient] Yeah. Can I have my shoe back? (on their ship; to Malekith) [Algrim] (subtitled) I need your strength to reclaim the Aether. And when you wake up, you will kill them all.(in Asgard, Jane is sat in her room when suddenly the power of the Aether surrounds her and everything around her turns red for a moment, then Volstagg enters the room with two guards) [Einherjar Lieutenant] Jane Foster. You need to come with us. (Fandral and Odin inspect the damage to the palace where Malekith had crashed his ship) [Fandral] We are still unable to restore the palace shields. Our artillery cannot detect them, even Heimdall cannot see them. My King, we are all but defenseless. (Thor approaches them) [Thor] She's your prisoner now? (to Fandral, Volstagg and the guards) Leave us. (they all start walking off and leave Thor with Odin) [Odin] I do not wish to fight with you. [Thor] Nor I with you, but I intend to pursue Malekith. [Odin] We possess the Aether, Malekith will come to us. [Thor] Yes, and you will destroy us. [Odin] You overestimate the power of these creatures. [Thor] No, I value our peoples lives. I'll take Jane to the Dark World and draw the enemy away from Asgard. When Malekith pulls the Aether from Jane it will be exposed vulnerable, and I will destroy it and him. [Odin] If you fail, you risk this weapon falling into the hands of our enemies. [Thor] The risk is far greater if we do nothing. His ship could be over our heads right now and we'd never even know it. [Odin] If and when he comes, his men will fall by ten thousand Asgardian blades. [Thor] And how of our men shall fall on theirs? [Odin] As many as are needed! (there's a moment pause) We will fight! Until the last Asgardian breath, the last drop of Asgardian blood. [Thor] And how are you different from Malekith? (Odin chuckles) [Odin] The difference, my son, is that I will win. (Odin turns and walks off) (back on Earth, Darcy paces around her apartment as Ian is sat watching the news on TV) [Darcy Lewis] Jane isn't called me back. Erik isn't calling me back. Stupid SHIELD isn't calling me back! [Ian Boothby] What's SHIELD? [Darcy Lewis] It's a secret. (Darcy leaves a voice message for Erik) Uh...hey, Erik. It's Darcy again. Uh...Thor came back, he took Jane to Asgard and um...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. (as Ian is watching the news they start reporting about Erik being arrested at Stonehenge) [News Reporter] Something else went missing this week when Astrophysicist, Dr. Erik Selvig, notable for his involvement in the Alien invasion in New York streaked nude across Stonehenge. [Ian Boothby] Darcy, you really need to look at this. Your friend Erik, what was his last name again? (Darcy looks at the news report on TV) [News Reporter] ...disrobed and began shouting at visitors at the historic site. He was later taken into police custody for psychiatric evaluation. The police are still refusing to confirm... (Ian presses the pause button on Erik's face from footage taken at Stonehenge, Darcy sits in dismay as she looks at Erik's face on the TV) (in Asgard, Thor is sat alone when Heimdall walks up to him) [Thor] You're not in Odin's war council? [Heimdall] The Bifrost is closed by your father's orders. No one is to come or to go. (Heimdall takes off his helmet and places it on the table) We face an enemy that is invisible even to me. Of what use is a guardian such as that? (he sits down looking defeated) [Thor] Malekith will return, you know this. I'll need your help. [Heimdall] I cannot overrule my King's wishes, not even for you. [Thor] I'm not asking you to. The Realms need their All-Father strong and unchallenged, whether he is or not. But he is blinded, Heimdall, by hatred and by grief. [Heimdall] As are we all. [Thor] Well I see clearly enough. [Heimdall] The risks are too great. [Thor] Everything that we do from here on is a risk, there is no other way. (Heimdall hesitates before replying) [Heimdall] What do you require of me? [Thor] What I'm about to ask of you is treason of the highest order. Success will bring us exile and failure shall mean our death. Malekith knew the Aether was here, he can sense its power. If we do nothing he will come for it again, but this time lay waste to all of Asgard. (we see Thor holding a meeting with Sif, Fandral, Volstagg and Heimdall) We must move Jane off world. [Sif] The Bifrost has been shut down and the Tesseract locked away in a vault. [Heimdall] There are other paths off Asgard, ways known only to a few. [Thor] One, actually. (the others suddenly realize he means Loki) [Volstagg] No. (Thor walks up to Loki's cell where he is standing looking well kept and clean) [Loki] Thor, after all this time and now you come to visit me. Why? Have you come to gloat? To mock? [Thor] Loki, enough. No more illusions. (suddenly Loki's cell is transformed, the illusion is lifted and we see that Loki's cell is a mess, everything has been thrown around and he's sat on the floor, looking unkempt and messy, in the other corner of the cell) [Loki] Now you see me, brother. (Thor walks up to the other side of the cell to be closer to Loki) Did she suffer? [Thor] I did not come here to share our grief. Instead I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament. [Loki] Go on. [Thor] I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard and I will grant it to you, vengeance. And afterward, this cell. (Loki chuckles) [Loki] You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me? [Thor] I don't. Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me and I will kill you. (Loki smiles) [Loki] Hmm. When do we start? (back to the meeting with Thor and his comrades) [Fandral] He will betray you. [Thor] He will try. (Loki and Thor walk out of the Asgardian prison) [Loki] This is so unlike you, brother. So clandestine. Are you sure you wouldn't rather just punch your way out? [Thor] If you keep speaking I just might. [Loki] Fine. As you wish. I'm not even here. (using his diversion tactics Loki turns himself into an Asgardian guard) Is this better? Thor It's better company at least. [Loki] Still, we could be less conspicuous. (Loki turns back into himself but turns Thor into Sif) Hm, brother. You look ravishing. (Thor looks down at his body then replies in his own voice) [Thor] It will hurt no less when I kill you in this form. [Loki] Very well. Perhaps you prefer one of your new companions, given that you seem to like them so much. (Loki then turns himself into Captain America in his full Captain America costume) Oh, this is much better. Woh. The costume's a bit much, so tight. But the confidence, I can feel the righteousness surging. Hey, you wanna have a rousing discussion about truth, honor, patriotism? God bless Amer– (suddenly Thor grabs hold of Loki puts his hand over his mouth and pushes him against the wall making Loki turn back into himself) What? (Thor looks to the side and they see two Asgardian guards walking away) You could at least furnish me with a weapon. My dagger, something! (Thor looks at him and we hear a noise like a sword being drawn) At last, a little common sense. (Loki then looks down then holds up his hands which now have iron handcuffs on them) [Thor] And I thought you liked tricks. (Thor laughs and turns to walk off) (back at the original meeting Thor was holding with his comrades) [Fandral] Well, what then? Your lovely mortal is being guarded by a legion of our Einherjar who will see you coming from miles away. [Thor] I won't be the one who comes for her. (Thor looks over to Sif; then we see Jane is sat in her guarded room when one of the guards enters) [Jane Foster] I'm not hungry. (suddenly Sif comes up behind the guard and knocks him out, she looks over to Jane) [Sif] Good, let's go. (Jane and Sif meet up with Thor with Loki standing beside him, Jane points to Loki) [Jane Foster] You're... [Loki] I'm Loki. You may have heard of... (suddenly Jane slaps Loki hard in the face) [Jane Foster] That was for New York. (Loki smiles and looks at Thor) [Loki] I like her. (back at Thor's meeting with his comrades) [Sif] And what of the All-Father? [Heimdall] It is my sworn duty to notify him of crimes against the throne. (Odin visits Heimdall accompanied by some of his guards) [Odin] You called me here on an urgent matter. What is it? [Heimdall] Treason, my lord. [Odin] Whose? [Heimdall] Mine. (Heimdall draws his sword, at the same time more guards interrupt them) [Einherjar Lieutenant] My King, the mortal has been taken. (Odin looks at Heimdall as he commands his guards) [Odin] Stop Thor, by any means necessary. (as they hear the guards approaching) [Guards] There they are! Take them. On my command. [Sif] I'll hold them off. Take her. [Thor] Thank you. (Thor and Jane go off, as Loki goes to follow them Sif draws her sword and places it under Loki's throat) [Sif] Betray him and I'll kill you. (Loki chuckles) [Loki] It's good to see you too, Sif. (Loki leaves to join Thor and Jane as the guards get closer to Sif; back at the original meeting with Thor and his comrades) [Volstagg] Assuming you can get Loki's help, and you can free this mortal, what good would it do? We'd all be dead the minute we step one foot outside the palace. [Thor] That, my friend, is where we won't be leaving by foot. (Thor, Loki and Jane meet Volstagg where Malekith's ship had crashed into the palace) [Volstagg] I will give you as much time as I can. (Thor and Volstagg do a forearm shake) [Thor] Thank you, my friend. (as they walk towards Malekith's crashed ship, Jane smiles and nods at Volstagg, then as Loki is about to follow Thor and Jane Volstagg stops him) [Volstagg] If you even think about betraying him... [Loki] You'll kill me? Evidently there will be a line. (Volstagg then lets him pass) (Thor, Jane and Loki board Malekith's crashed ship, Thor looks at the controls and starts pressing some button, looking unsure of what he's doing) I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing. [Thor] I said, "how hard could it be?" (meanwhile, the Asgardian guards rush towards the ship with Volstagg standing guard in front of it) [Guard] They're on the ship! [Loki] They're on the ship! (as they approach the ship Volstagg starts attacking them; back in the ship) Well, whatever you're doing, brother, I suggest you do it faster. [Thor] Shut up, Loki. (outside the ship Volstagg continues to battle with the Asgardian guards; back in the ship Thor continues to frantically press every button to start the ship) [Loki] You must have missed something. [Thor] No, I didn't, I'm pressing every button on this thing. [Loki] No, don't hit it, just press it gently. (as he hits the buttons) [Thor] I am pressing it gently. It's not working! (suddenly the ship comes to life, Thor laughs; outside the ship Volstagg is overrun by the guards.) [Guards] Get him! Get him! (Volstagg starts laughing as they watch the ship start to rise, hitting the columns of the palace) [Loki] I think you missed a column. [Thor] Shut up! (finally the ship breaks through the palace walls and takes off) (as they are flying through Asgard) [Loki] Look, why don't you let me take over, I'm clearly the better pilot. [Thor] Is that right? Well, out of the two of us which one can actually fly? (as they are flying over Asgard suddenly Jane collapses) [Loki] Oh, dear. Is she dead? [Thor] Jane. (Jane raises her head, looking weak) [Jane Foster] I'm okay. (as they continue to fly, the ship hits and breaks off a part of a massive building; to Loki) [Thor] Not a word. (several smaller Asgardian ships start following them) [Loki] Now they're following us. (the smaller ships start firing at them) Now they're firing at us! [Thor] Yeah, thank you for the commentary, Loki! It's not at all distracting! (the ship then hits a massive stone monument of King Bor, breaking the head off) [Loki] Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather. (the smaller ships continue to follow and fire at them as they fly over Asgard) You know this is wonderful. This is a tremendous idea. Let's steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that. Flying around the city, smashing into everything in sight so everyone can see us. It's brilliant, Thor! It's truly brilliant! (suddenly Thor pushes Loki off the ship, Thor then picks up Jane and jumps off the flying ship and lands onto a smaller ship being flown by Fandral, Loki has also fallen onto the ship) [Fandral] (laughs) I see your time in the dungeons has made you no less graceful, Loki. (the Asgardian ships above them continue to follow and fire at Malekith's ship as they think that Thor is still on there) (Thor lays Jane down) [Loki] You lied to me. I'm impressed. [Thor] I'm glad you're pleased. Now, do as you promised. Take us to your secret pathway. (Loki smiles and takes over the ship's control, at the same time the Asgardian ships spot them and start firing at them) Fandral. [Fandral] Right. (Fandral picks up a rope and steps on to the edge of the ship) For Asgard. (suddenly he jumps off the ship and uses the rope to swing onto the Asgardian ship following them) Nothing personal, boys! (he knocks out the three guards on the ship then looks over to Thor and salutes him; on Fandral's ship Loki flies them towards the mountains) [Thor] Loki! [Loki] If it were easy everyone would do it. [Thor] Are you mad? [Loki] Possibly. (Thor holds on to Jane, as Loki heads straight for the wall of the mountain, suddenly they enter right through the mountain and then enter through a portal to Svartalfheim) Ta-da! (on their ship, Algrim approaches Malekith) [Algrim] (subtitled) We must attack now. [Malekith] (subtitled) No. Asgard is not important anymore. The Aether has returned home. (as they fly over Svartalfheim, Jane continues to lie down and Thor puts a cover over her) [Loki] (sighs) What I could do with the power that flows through those veins. [Thor] It would consume you. [Loki] She's holding up alright, for now. [Thor] She's strong in ways you'd never even know. [Loki] Say goodbye. [Thor] Not this day. [Loki] This day, the next, a hundred years, it's nothing. It's a heart beat. You'll never be ready. The only woman whose love you've prized will be snatched from you. [Thor] And will that satisfy you? [Loki] Satisfaction is not in my nature. [Thor] Surrender not in mine. [Loki] The son of Odin. [Thor] No, not just of Odin! You think you alone were loved of mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust! [Loki] Trust. Was that her last expression? Trust? When you let her die! [Thor] What help were you in your cell? [Loki] Who put me there? Who put me there?! (Thor grabs hold of Loki) [Thor] You know damn well! You know damn well who! (Thor raises his fist to punch Loki but stops himself) She wouldn't want us to fight. [Loki] Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked. (they both smile) [Thor] I wish I could trust you. (Thor turns his back to Loki) [Loki] Trust my rage. (back on Earth, Darcy and Ian go to free Erik from the mental institution) [Desk Officer] You'll have to sign for your father's belongings, Mr. Selvig. (Ian looks distracted and Darcy nudges him to bring him to attention) [Ian Boothby] What? Oh, yeah. My father, Dr. Erik Selvig. (Ian goes to sign the form) [Desk Officer] One; a man's leather wallet, brown. One key ring with three keys. Prescription medicine. (he places the, wallet, key ring with the keys and a plastic bag containing medicine bottles on the counter) Various. (the officer then bends to pick up another item from behind the counter, at the same time Darcy notices Erik being escorted towards them) [Darcy Lewis] Erik. [Desk Officer] And... (the officer places Erik's gadgets on the counter) These. [Ian Boothby] Yeah, those. Thank goodness. (as Erik comes towards Darcy) [Darcy Lewis] Erik. [Erik Selvig] Yes? [Darcy Lewis] It's uh...Darcy. [Erik Selvig] Darcy. (Darcy holds up her hands and smiles, Erik then hugs her) It's so good to see you. [Darcy Lewis] Uh...I missed you too. (Darcy looks awkward as Erik continues to hold her tightly) [Erik Selvig] How did you find me? [Ian Boothby] You were naked on TV. [Darcy Lewis] Okay, time to go. Lots to do. (Erik continues to hold her) Getting weird now. (as they walk down the corridor of the mental institution with Ian holding Erik's gadgets) I should not be left in charge of stuff like this, I don't get paid enough. I don't get paid period. (Erik takes his bag of medicine from Ian) [Ian Boothby] I'm uh...Ian by the way. Uh..Darcy's intern. I don't get paid either. (Ian watches as Erik takes out a bottle of pills) Are you alright? [Erik Selvig] I have had a God in my brain. I don't recommend it. (as they step out of the building suddenly the gadget in Ian arms starts to beep) [Ian Boothby] Dr. Selvig, your gear is beeping at me. [Erik Selvig] It's happening, sooner than I calculated. [Darcy Lewis] Wait, what's happening? (they look up to see flock of birds flying above them) Birds? Birds are happening? [Ian Boothby] They're starlings, it's called a murmuration. My dad used to take me bird watching as a kid. [Darcy Lewis] Erik? [Erik Selvig] Look. (suddenly the birds all fly in the same direction and they all suddenly disappear) [Darcy Lewis] Where did they go? (suddenly all the birds appear behind, them flying away frantically making Darcy screams in terror) What the hell was that?! (Erik smiles) Why are you smiling? [Erik Selvig] There's nothing more reassuring than realizing that the world is crazier than you are. (he walks ahead and throws his bag of medicine into the garbage bin nearby) Take me to Jane's lab! (on Svartalfheim, as they continue flying on their ship suddenly Jane's eyes open, it's clear that the Aether has taken her over, she rises and looks ahead) [Thor] Jane. [Jane Foster] Malekith. (after landing their ship, they walk over to watch Malekith and his men in the distance) [Thor] Alright, are you ready? (Jane nods her head) [Loki] I am. (they rise from their hiding spot and Malekith spots them standing on a hill in the distance) You know this plan of yours is going to get us killed. [Thor] Yeah, possibly. (Loki holds up his shackled hands for Thor to uncuff him) [Loki] You still don't trust me, brother? [Thor] Would you? (Thor takes off Loki's cuffs) [Loki] No, I wouldn't. (suddenly Loki takes out a dagger stabs Thor and throws him down the hill) [Jane Foster] Thor! No! (Malekith sees this and starts walking towards them) (after stabbing Thor and throwing him down the hill, Loki walks over to Thor) [Loki] You really think I cared about Frigga, about any of you? (he kicks Thor in the stomach) All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet! (Thor raises his hand, attempting to summon Mjolnir, but Loki cuts off his hand making Thor scream out in pain, Jane rushes over to Thor but Loki grabs her and turns to face Malekith and his dark elves) Malekith, I am Loki of Jotunheim and I bring you a gift! (he throws Jane at Malekith's feet) I ask only one thing in return, a good seat from which to watch Asgard burn. [Algrim] (to Malekith) (subtitled) He is an enemy of Asgard, he was locked in a cell. (Malekith walks over to Thor squirming in pain on the ground) [Malekith] Look at me. (Malekith uses his foot to turn Thor, he then lifts Jane in the air and extracts the Aether from her, in that moment Jane has a vision of Earth, then as the Aether leaves her body Jane falls to the ground) [Thor] Loki, now! (Loki uses his diversion tactics and we see that he had never amputated Thor's hand, Thor quickly summons Mjolnir and shoots lightning at the Aether attempting to destroy it, but he fails as Malekith is still able to absorb it and turns to leave on his ship) (two of the dark elves start attacking Thor but he quickly takes them down, Algrim then throws one of his vortex weapons in the air, Loki pushes Jane away and he is nearly sucked in when Thor pulls him out, Thor then attacks Algrim but he beats Thor down, Loki goes over to them and impales Algrim from behind, Algrim slowly turns and suddenly pulls Loki into the blade that is sticking out from him) No! (Algrim takes a step towards Loki) [Loki] See you in hell, monster! (Algrim then realizes that attached to the blade in him is his own vortex weapon, it explodes before he can do anything destroying him; Thor then rushes over to Loki) [Thor] No. No, no, no! Oh, you fool, you didn't listen! [Loki] I know. I'm a fool. I'm a fool! (Loki squirms in pain) [Thor] Stay with me, okay? [Loki] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [Thor] Shh. [Loki] I'm sorry. [Thor] It's okay. (Thor nods his head) It's alright. I'll tell father what you did here today. [Loki] I didn't do it for him. (he closes his eyes and as he dies his skin turns to it's blue Frost Giant form, Thor cries out in anguish) [Thor] No! (Thor looks at Jane as he weeps for Loki) (after Loki's death, Thor and Jane enter a cave as they see a storm approaching) [Jane Foster] He's gonna unleash it, not just on Asgard or on a star, Malekith is gonna destroy everything. [Thor] How? Jane, how? [Jane Foster] I saw him on Earth. Why would he go to Earth? [Thor] The Convergence. [Jane Foster] Oh, God. None of this would have happened if I hadn't found the Aether. [Thor] Then Malekith would have only possessed it that much sooner. [Jane Foster] I only found it because I was looking for you. [Thor] Jane. (he places his hand on her face) [Jane Foster] Now we're trapped here. (suddenly they hear music playing, Jane and Thor look at each other in confusion) [Thor] It's not me. (Jane realizes it's her cell phone, she takes it out of her pocket and answers it) [Jane Foster] Hello? [Richard] Hi, Jane, it's Richard. [Jane Foster] Richard?! Where are you? [Richard] I'm still in the office. It's...It's been a crazy day here today. (Jane puts him on speaker and holds up her phone) [Jane Foster] Oh, my God! This is amazing. [Richard] Is it? I quite enjoyed our lunch despite never actually ordering anything. [Jane Foster] How am I getting service here? [Richard] Is this a bad time? Do you want me to try you there? [Jane Foster] No, no, no, no! Please, whatever you do, do not hang up the phone. [Richard] Okay then. I was just wondering if you want to try again? Uh...maybe dinner next time. [Jane Foster] Uh...yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...just stay on the phone, okay? [Richard] Yeah, I will. (Jane looks down and notices can and keys that were thrown through from the abandoned factory) [Jane Foster] Oh, my God. (Jane picks up the keys from the floor of the cave) [Richard] Am I interrupting something. [Jane Foster] No, no, no, nothing at all. (realizing how they can return to Earth, Jane turns to Thor) Come on. [Richard] I'm losing you there, are you in a tunnel? (Thor starts following Jane) [Thor] Where are we going? [Richard] (to Jane) Hello? (they start walking further into the cave, Thor notices the discarded shoes that were thrown through from the abandoned factory) [Thor] Why are there so many shoes in here? (as they walks further in suddenly they disappear; back in his office Richard loses Jane on the phone) [Richard] I'll just text her. (Jane and Thor appear back on Earth outside the factory, they get into Ian's abandoned car still parked outside the factory and Jane tries to start the car) [Darcy Lewis] Jane! [Jane Foster] Hey. [Darcy Lewis] You can't just leave like that, the whole world is going crazy! (Thor hangs his hammer on the coat hanger next to the door) All the stuff we saw is spreading. (she looks at Jane's Asgardian clothes and disheveled state) Did you go to a party? (Jane notices Erik for the first time) [Jane Foster] Erik?! [Erik Selvig] Jane, how wonderful! (he rises and goes to Jane and as he embraces her we see he isn't wearing any pants) You've been to Asgard. [Jane Foster] Where are your pants? [Ian Boothby] Oh, uh...he uh...he says it helps him think. [Jane Foster] Okay. Well, I'm gonna need everything you got on this. All the work you've been doing on gravimetric anomalies, everything. [Erik Selvig] Okay. [Thor] Are you well, Erik? (Erik chuckles then his smile fades quickly) [Erik Selvig] Your brother is not coming, is he? [Thor] Loki is dead. [Erik Selvig] Oh, thank God. (Thor looks at him in confusion) I...I'm so sorry. [Thor] Thank you. (Erik then embraces Thor) (back on Svartalfheim we see an Einherjar Guard use the ship that brought Thor, Loki and Jane onto the planet to return to Asgard, he goes to see Odin at the palace) [Einherjar Guard] Forgive me, my liege. I've returned from the Dark World with news. [Odin] Thor? [Einherjar Guard] There's no sign of Thor, or the weapon, but... (he takes a step closer to Odin) [Odin] What? [Einherjar Guard] We found a body. (there's a moment's pause) [Odin] Loki. (the warrior doesn't reply but just looks at Odin) (back at Jane's apartment) [Jane Foster] Malekith is going to fire the Aether at a spot where all the nine worlds are connected. [Erik Selvig] Amplifying the weapon's impact. With each additional world, the power will increase exponentially. The effect would be universal. [Thor] Yes, well the alignment is only temporary. He must be in exactly at the right place at the right time. [Darcy Lewis] Well, how do we know where that is? [Erik Selvig] We follow the directions. This has happened before, thousands of years ago, and The Ancients were there to see it. (Erik places a map of the British Isles on the coffee table) All the great constructions: the Mayas, the Chinese, the Egyptians, they made use of the gravitational effects of the Convergence. And they left us a map. (he starts drawing on the map) Stonehenge. Snowdon, the Great Orme. These are all coordinates taking us...here. (he points to Greenwich on the map) [Ian Boothby] Greenwich? [Jane Foster] The walls between worlds will be almost non-existent. Physics is gonna go ballistic. Increase and decrease in gravity, spatial extrusions. The very fabric of reality is gonna be torn apart. (Thor summons Mjolnir and it shoots over to Thor's hand from the where it was hanging on the coat hanger) [Erik Selvig] I better get my pants. (in Greenwich at the location outside a library Darcy and Ian grab Erik's gadget) [Darcy Lewis] Focus, this is important. We have to hammer them in all around the site and then Jane and Erik will activate them from the tower. [Ian Boothby] They're taped together! [Darcy Lewis] Do you even know what these things do? [Ian Boothby] No. [Darcy Lewis] Neither do I. (Darcy and Ian start placing Erik's gadgets around the library grounds) Come on, come on! [Ian Boothby] Fine! (suddenly Malekith's giant ship appears on the River Thames near the library grounds) [Darcy Lewis] Holy shit! (the ship starts moving forward and crashing through the library grounds causing pandemonium until it finally stops in the middle of the grounds, Malekith and his dark elves step off the ship and the same time Thor flies in and lands in front of Malekith) [Malekith] You needn't have come so far, Asgardian! Death would have come to you soon enough. [Thor] Not by your hand! [Malekith] Your universe was never meant to be. Your world and your family will be extinguished. (Malekith uses the power of the Aether to attack Thor but Thor manages to narrowly miss getting hit by it) (inside the library setting up the gravimetric device) [Erik Selvig] We're running out of time. [Jane Foster] Almost there. [Erik Selvig] Are you sure this is going to work? These devices were made to detect anomalies, not cause them. [Jane Foster] Oh, come on. (Jane looks out and sees Thor and Malekith battling it out) Come on, Darcy. (Jane rushes off to find Darcy; outside Thor manages to deflect the Aether that Malekith is using to fight him off) [Thor] You know with all that power, I thought you would hit harder. (as Malekith is using the Aether to shield himself suddenly Thor throws his hammer at him which throws Malekith across the ground and smashes him against the library building, at the same time Jane sees Darcy and Ian placing the last of Erik's device in the ground) [Ian Boothby] Done. (Darcy gives the OK sign to Jane and Jane rushes back to Erik) [Erik Selvig] The Convergence will be in full effect in seven minutes. [Jane Foster] That just means we have to keep Malekith busy for eight. (Jane gets the device ready) Okay, you might wanna hold on to something. (she turns on the device and suddenly some of the dark elves suddenly disappear; Darcy and Ian watch this nearby, Darcy talks to Jane on her phone) [Darcy Lewis] That is awesome! How did you do that? [Jane Foster] Well, gravitational fields interact with the weak spot between worlds creating... [Darcy Lewis] Oh, there's a guy with a sword! (Jane uses the device again to make the dark elf disappear but instead she accidentally makes Darcy and Ian disappear) [Jane Foster] Oops. [Erik Selvig] Let's go. (Darcy and Ian appear in another part of London) [Darcy Lewis] What the hell just happened? (suddenly the dark elves that had also disappeared appear and fall onto a parked car) Move! (Darcy grabs hold of Ian's hand and they run off as the dark elves start chasing after them; back at the library Thor and Malekith continue their battle and everyone inside the library rushes to the windows to watch) [Jane Foster] What are you all doing? You need to get out of here! Now! [Student] You're joking, right? That's Thor out there waving his hammer around and everything! (he uses his phone to record the battle outside; in their ensuing fight, Thor and Malekith are transported through the realms to Svartalfheim and London continuously, at the same time a fighter jet flies towards Malekith's ship) [Control] Confirming ship is hostile. [Pilot] Confirm, the ship is hostile. You have permission to engage. [Control] Roger. The missile's locked. The missile's on its way. (the pilot releases the missile) Missile off target! I repeat... [Pilot] Mayday! I'm losing control. Mayday! Mayday! I'm losing control! (the jet is then transported to Valaheim) (as they run through the library ground) [Erik Selvig] What are you doing? [Jane Foster] My signal's lost connection. (some of the dark elves are behind them chasing after them) [Erik Selvig] Jane! Come on! (as Thor and Malekith continue their battle through the realms they land in Jotunheim and are confronted by a giant beast which then is transported to London, at the same time Darcy and Ian are being ambushed by the dark elves when Ian, with the help of the anti-gravitational energy force, grabs a car and throws it at them, Darcy looks at him in shock) [Ian Boothby] Are you alright? [Darcy Lewis] You saved my life. [Ian Boothby] Yeah. Yes, I did. (back at the library grounds Jane manages to make the device work again and as she uses it suddenly makes Darcy and Ian appear behind her in each others arms kissing) [Jane Foster] Darcy? [Darcy Lewis] Jane! (Darcy lets go of Ian and falls to the ground) [Erik Selvig] Ian? [Ian Boothby] Selvig! (suddenly Mjolnir appears and flies past them) [Darcy Lewis] Meowmeow! (Thor and Malekith are then transported through the realms again with Malekith landing back in Greenwich but Thor ends up in Charing Cross Underground Station) [Man] (over speakers) Mind the gap. (Thor turns to one of the passengers on the underground train that's just arrived) [Thor] How do I get to Greenwich? [Woman on Train] Take this train, three stops. (Thor steps onto the train and places his hand on the bar above him) [Man] (over speakers) Mind the gap. (as the train starts to move, the movement causes the woman to fall against Thor and she stops herself by placing her hand on his chest) [Woman on Train] Sorry. Sorry. (Thor smiles politely at her) (in Greenwich the realms come closer to converging, Malekith readies the Aether within him to bring forth the darkness) [Jane Foster] We're out of time. (Jane rushes off ahead) [Erik Selvig] Jane. Jane! (Thor rushes out of the station to watch the Aether taking over) [Jane Foster] Thor! We're too late. [Erik Selvig] The Convergence is at its peak. (Thor looks at the gadget spears in Erik's hand) [Thor] Can those things stop him? [Erik Selvig] Not from here. [Jane Foster] We can't get close enough. (Thor looks at Jane) [Thor] I can. (Thor takes the spears from Erik and rushes off towards Malekith) (Thor pushes through the Aether and reaches Malekith) Malekith! (Malekith turns to face Thor) [Malekith] Darkness returns, Asgardian. Have you come to witness the end of your universe? [Thor] I've come to accept your surrender. (Thor throws one of Erik's gadget spears at Malekith and he catches it, Jane uses the gavemetric which makes his arm disappear and we see it transported to Svartalfheim, Thor throws the other spear at Malekith and he catches it and his other arm disappears) [Malekith] You think you can stop this? The Aether cannot be destroyed. [Thor] But you can. (Thor summons Mjolnir at the same time he rushes towards Malekith and as he grabs his hammer he uses it to throw Malekith into his ship and Jane is able to use her device to transport him Svartalfheim) (after Thor kills Malekith Jane goes to find Thor and finds him lying on the ground, suddenly Malekith's ship starts to crumble, Jane rushes towards the unconscious Thor) [Jane Foster] Thor! No! (Jane turns Thor over grabs his arm and starts to pull him out of the way but he is too heavy, just them Erik, Darcy and Ian arrive on the scene) [Erik Selvig] Jane! (the ship starts to fall, as Jane is not able to move Thor she throws herself on top of him and holds on to him with her eyes closed, just as the ship is about to land on them it disappears and appears on Svartalfheim landing on Malekith and crushing him to death; back in Greenwich) Everybody okay? (Thor becomes conscious and opens his eyes, Darcy smiles and throws her arms around Ian and kisses him passionately) (couple of days later, Jane, Erik, Darcy and Ian are in her apartment sat having breakfast quietly) [Darcy Lewis] He's gonna come back. Except, you know, last time he was gone for, like, two years. [Jane Foster] Well, it's only been two days, so... [Erik Selvig] Did he say anything before he left? [Jane Foster] Yeah, he had to figure some stuff out with his father. He kind of committed treason... on our way out. (Jane looks away and carries on eating her breakfast) [Erik Selvig] Oh. (On Asgard Thor meets with Odin at the palace) [Odin] You once said there would never be a wiser King than me. You were wrong. The alignment has brought all the realms together. Every one of them saw you offer your life to save them. What can Asgard offer its new King in return? [Thor] My life. Father, I cannot be King of Asgard. I will protect Asgard and all the realms with my last and every breath, but I cannot do so from that chair. Loki, for all his grave imbalance, understood rule as I know I never will. The brutality, the sacrifice, it changes you. I'd rather be a good man than a great King. [Odin] Is this my son I hear, or the woman he loves? [Thor] When you speak, do I never hear Mother's voice? (Odin sighs) This is not for Jane, Father. She does not know what I came here to say. Now forbid me to see her or say she can rule at my side, it changes nothing. [Odin] One son who wanted the throne too much, another who will not take it. Is this my legacy? [Thor] Loki died with honor, I shall try to live the same. Is that not legacy enough? (Odin nods his head, Thor then holds up Mjolnir to offer it back to Odin) [Odin] It belongs to you, if you are worthy of it. [Thor] I shall try to be. [Odin] I cannot give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune. [Thor] I know. (Thor turns to leave) [Odin] If I were proud of the man my son had become, even that I could not say. It would speak only from my heart. Go, my son. (Thor smiles) [Thor] Thank you, father. (he turns and starts walking off, as Odin watches Thor walk off Odin's form transform to reveal Loki) [Loki] No. Thank you. (Loki smiles devilishly) (mid-credits scene; Sif and Volstagg are taken to meet, The Collector Taneleer Tivan) [Collector's Assistant] I present to you, Taneleer Tivan, The Collector. [The Collector] Woh, Oh. Asgardians, it's an honor. (he bows theatrically) [Sif] You know why we're here. [The Collector] Of course. But if I may ask, why not keep it secure in your own vault? [Volstagg] The Tesseract is already on Asgard. It's not wise to keep two Infinity Stones so close together. [The Collector] That's very wise. (Sif hands the Aether over to The Collector) I can assure you it will be absolutely safe in...in my collection. [Sif] See that it is. (The Collector bows his head, Sif and Volstagg turn and leave) [The Collector] One down, five to go. (after credits scene; at her apartment Jane, Erik, Darcy and Ian hear the sounds of thunder, Jane looks out and smiles as she sees lightning, Jane walks out onto her balcony as Thor appears, they embrace and start kissing passionately; at the same time we see the beast transported from Jotunheim running amok outside the abandoned factory) (Thor arrives to provide backup to Sif and the Warriors Three) [Sif] I've got this completely under control! [Thor] Is that why everything's on fire? . . . (the marauders bring out a rock monster to battle Thor) [Sif] All yours. (steps back) [Thor] Hello. (the beast roars) I accept your surrender. (the marauders roar with laughter; Thor uppercuts the beast with Mjolnir, reducing it to a pile of rubble) [Thor] Anyone else? [Loki] (mock salute to Odin) I really don't see what all the fuss is about… [Odin] Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go there is war, ruin and death! [Loki] I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent God, just like you. [Odin] We are not gods. We're born, we live, we die, just as humans do. [Loki] Give or take five thousand years. [Odin] All this because Loki desires a throne... [Loki] It is my birthright! [Odin] Your birthright was to DIE! As a child, cast out on a frozen rock. If I had not taken you in, you would not be here now, to hate me. [Loki] If I'm for the axe, then for mercy's sake, just swing it. It's not that I don't like our little talks, it's just... I don't love them. [Odin] Frigga is the only reason you're still alive, and you will never see her again. You'll spend the rest of your days in the dungeons. [Loki] And what of Thor? You'll make that witless oaf King while I rot in chains? [Odin] Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the Nine Realms, and then, yes, he will be King. [Darcy] Come on, this is exciting. Look! The intern is excited. [Ian] Ian, my name's Ian. [Darcy] Do you want the phase meter? [Jane] No. [Darcy] Bring the phase meter. The toaster looking thing. [Ian] Yeah. I know what the phase meter is. (Thor and Jane reunite) [Thor] Jane? (she walks up to him and slaps him) [Jane Foster] Sorry. I just…needed to make sure you were real. It's been a very strange day. [Thor] I am. Jane— (she slaps him again) [Jane] Where were you?! [Thor] Where were you? Heimdall could not see you. [Jane] I was right here where you left me! I was waiting, and then I was crying, and then I went out looking for you. You said you were coming back. [Thor] I know. I know, but the Bifröst was destroyed. The Nine Realms erupted into chaos. Wars were raging, marauders were pillaging…I had to put an end to the slaughter. (she looks at him blankly for a moment) [Jane] As excuses go, it's not…terrible…But I saw you on TV! You were in New York! [Thor] Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong. I was a fool. I believe that fate brought us together. (they embrace) [Malekith] (looking out over the ruins of Svartalfheim) Look upon my legacy, Algrim. I can barely remember a time before the light. [Algrim] Our survival will be your legacy. [Malekith] The Asgardians will suffer as we have suffered. I will reclaim the Aether. I will restore our world. And I will put an end to this poisoned universe. [Odin] She does not belong in Asgard any more than a goat belongs at a banquet! [Jane] Did he just-? Who do you think you are? [Odin] I am Odin. King of Asgard. Protector of the Nine Realms. [Jane] Oh. Well I'm- [Odin] I know very well who you are, Jane Foster. [Jane] (to Thor) You told your dad about me? [Frigga] You know full well it was your actions that brought you here. [Loki] My actions? I was merely giving truth to the lie that I had been fed my entire life…that I was born to be a king. [Frigga] A king? A true king admits his faults. What of the lives you took on Earth? [Loki] A mere handful compared to the number that Odin has taken himself. [Frigga] Your father— [Loki] He's not my father! [Frigga] Then am I not your mother? [Loki] You're not. [Frigga] (looks hurt but chuckles) You're always so perceptive about everyone but yourself. (Loki looks sorry and reaches for her but she disappears) (Malekith bursts into Frigga's chamber, hunting for Jane) [Frigga] Stand down, creature, and you may still survive this. [Malekith] I have survived worse, woman. [Frigga] Who are you? [Malekith] I am Malekith... (looks at Jane) and I would have what is mine. (They both draw swords and duel, until Algrim arrives and helps overpower Frigga. Malekith turns to confront Jane) You have taken something, child. Give it back. (Malekith discovers Jane is an illusion and angrily faces a grinning Frigga) WITCH! Where is the Aether?! [Frigga] I'll never tell you. [Malekith] I believe you. (Algrim kills Frigga) [Loki] Thor. After all this time and now you come to visit me. Why? Have you come to gloat? To mock? [Thor] Loki, enough. No more illusions. (Loki and the neat room turn to a destroyed room with Loki looking disheveled on the floor) [Loki] Now you see me, brother. Did she suffer? (referring to Frigga) [Thor] I did not come here to share our grief. Instead, I offer you the chance of a far richer sacrament. [Loki] Go on. [Thor] I know you seek vengeance as much as I do. You help me escape Asgard, and I will grant it to you. Vengeance. And afterward, this cell. [Loki] (chuckles) You must be truly desperate to come to me for help. What makes you think you can trust me? [Thor] I don't. Mother did. You should know that when we fought each other in the past, I did so with a glimmer of hope that my brother was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you. You betray me, and I will kill you. [Loki] Hm. When do we start? (Jane meets Loki) [Jane] You're… [Loki] I'm Loki. You may have heard— (she hauls off and slaps him) [Jane] That was for New York! [Loki] (to Thor) I like her. . . . [Sif] Betray him, and I'll kill you. [Loki] Good to see you too, Sif. . . . [Volstagg] If you even think about betraying him… [Loki] You'll kill me? Evidently, there will be a line. [Loki] You know, this is wonderful! This a tremendous idea! Let's steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that! Flying around the city, smash it into everything in sight so everyone can see us! It's brilliant, Thor! It's truly brilliant- (Thor shoves Loki out of the ship, and jumps out with Jane in his arms into a skiff piloted by Fandral) [Fandral] (laughs) I see your time in the dungeon has made you no less graceful, Loki! [Loki] (to Thor) You lied to me. I'm impressed. [Loki] (steering the skiff towards a tiny crevice in the mountain) If it were easy, everyone would do it. [Thor] Are you mad? [Loki] Possibly. [Thor] You think you alone were loved of Mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust! [Loki] Trust? Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?! [Thor] What good were you in your cell? [Loki] Who put me there? Who put me there?! [Thor] You know damn well! You know damn well who! (pins Loki and is about to hit him but lets him go) She wouldn't want us to fight. [Loki] Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked. [Thor] (chuckles) I wish I could trust you. [Loki] (whispers) Trust my rage. [Thor] (holding a dying Loki) I will tell Father what you did here today. [Loki] I didn't do it for him. (a flock of birds disappears into thin air, then reappears flying out of the ground near Ian, Darcy, and Dr. Selvig) [Darcy] What the hell was that? (to a grinning Dr. Selvig) Why are you smiling? [Dr. Erik Selvig] There's nothing more reassuring than realizing that the world is crazier than you are. [Malekith] You needn't have come so far, Asgardian. Death would have come to you soon enough. [Thor] Not by your hand! [Malekith] Your universe was never meant to be. Your world and your family will be EXTINGUISHED! [Malekith] Darkness returns, Asgardian. Have you come to witness the end of your universe? [Thor] I've come to accept your surrender. [Malekith] You think you can stop this?! The Aether cannot be destroyed! [Thor] But you can. (summons Mjolnir and deals the final blow to Malekith) [Odin] One son who wanted the throne too much, and another who will not take it. Is this my legacy? [Thor] Loki died with honour. I shall try to live the same. Is that not legacy enough? (offers the hammer) [Odin] It belongs to you, if you are worthy of it. [Thor] I shall try to be. [Odin] I can not give you my blessing, nor can I wish you good fortune. [Thor] I know. (turns to leave) [Odin] If I were proud of the man my son has become, even that I could not say, it would speak only from my heart. Go, my son. [Thor] Thank you, Father. (leaves) [Loki] (appears from Odin's guise) No... thank you. (mid credits scene; Sif and Volstagg arrive in an alien collection) [Carina] I present to you Taneleer Tivan. The Collector. (the Collector, looking like an alien Liberace, appears and bows) [The Collector] Asgardians! It's an honor. [Sif] You know why we're here. (she hands him the Aether, which he accepts) [The Collector] Of course. But if I may ask, why not keep it secure, in your own vault? [Volstagg] The Tesseract is already on Asgard. It would be unwise to keep two Infinity Stones so close together. [The Collector] That's very wise. I can assure you, it will be absolutely safe here in my collection. [Sif] See that it is. (the Asgardians leave) [The Collector] One down…five to go.

{"title": "Thor: The Dark World"}

marvel/pdunton

(first lines; Sam Wilson is jogging around Washington, D.C. when Steve quickly catches up to him and runs past him.) [Steve Rogers] On your left. (as Sam continues to jog Steve comes around again quickly after doing another lap.) [Steve Rogers] On your left. [Sam Wilson] Uh-huh, on my left. Got it. (as Sam is still jogging Steve comes around again from behind him from another lap.) [Sam Wilson] Don't say it! Don't you say it! [Steve Rogers] On your left! [Sam Wilson] Come on! (Sam gets angry and tries to catch up to him but only after a few seconds he's unable to carry and stops to rest.) (as Sam is resting catching his breath sitting by a tree Steve walks over to him.) [Steve Rogers] Need a medic? (Sam laughs.) [Sam Wilson] I need a new set of lungs. Dude, you just ran like 13 miles in 30 minutes. [Steve Rogers] I guess I got a late start. [Sam Wilson] Oh, really? You should be ashamed of yourself. You should take another lap. (He hesitates for a moment before saying sarcastically.) [Sam Wilson] Did you just take it? I assumed you just took it. [Steve Rogers] What unit you with? [Sam Wilson] 58, Pararescue. But now I'm working down at the VA. (Sam lifts hand to shake) [Sam Wilson] Sam Wilson. (Steve gives Sam a hand to rise.) [Steve Rogers] Steve Rogers. [Sam Wilson] Yeah I kind of put that together. Must have freaked you out coming home after the whole defrosting thing. [Steve Rogers] It takes some getting used to. It's good to meet you, Sam. (as Steve turns to leave.) [Sam Wilson] It's your bed, right? [Steve Rogers] What's that? [Sam Wilson] Your bed, it's too soft. When I was over there I'd sleep on the ground and use rock for pillows, like a caveman. Now I'm home, lying in my bed, and it's like... [Steve Rogers] Lying on a marshmallow. Feel like I'm gonna sink right to the floor. (Sam smiles and nods his head.) [Steve Rogers] How long? [Sam Wilson] Two tours. (Awkward Silence) [Sam Wilson] You must miss the good old days, huh? [Steve Rogers] Well, things aren't so bad. Food's a lot better, we used to boil everything. No polio is good. Internet, so helpful. I've been reading that a lot trying to catch up. (Sam looks up to think and raises finger) [Sam Wilson] Marvin Gaye, 1972, "Trouble Man" soundtrack. Everything you've missed jammed into one album. [Steve Rogers] I'll put it on the list. (Steve gets his small notebook and pen out and notes it down on his list which also includes - in the American version of the movie - I Love Lucy (Television); Moon Landing; Berlin Wall (Up + Down) Steve Jobs (Apple); Disco; Thai Food; Star Wars/Trek (with Star Wars crossed out, indicating that he has seen it); Nirvana (Band); Rocky (Rocky II?) (Steve gets a text message: "Mission alert. Extraction imminent. Meet at the curb. :)") [Steve Rogers] Alright, Sam, duty calls. Thanks for the run. If that's what you wanna call running. (They shake hands.) [Sam Wilson] Oh, that's how it is? [Steve Rogers] Oh, that's how it is. [Sam Wilson] (He laughs.) Okay. Any time you wanna stop by the VA, make me look awesome in front of the girl at the front desk, just let me know. [Steve Rogers] I'll keep it in mind. [Sam Wilson] Okay. (Just then Natasha pulls up in her car by the curb and rolls down the window.) [Natasha Romanoff] Hey, fellas. Either one of you know where the Smithsonian is? I'm here to pick up a fossil. [Steve Rogers] That's hilarious. (Steve walks over to her car and gets in, Sam gives Natasha and her car an appreciative look.) [Sam Wilson] How you doing? [Natasha Romanoff] Hey. [Steve Rogers] Can't run everywhere. [Sam Wilson] No, you can't. (He watches as Natasha quickly pulls away and drives off.) (flying over the Indian Ocean the duo are with SHIELD agents, led by Brock Rumlow.) [Brock Rumlow] The target is a mobile satellite launch platform: The Lemurian Star. They were sending up their last payload when pirates took them, 93 minutes ago. [Steve Rogers] Any demands? [Brock Rumlow] A billion and a half. [Steve Rogers] Why so steep? [Brock Rumlow] Because it SHIELD's. [Steve Rogers] So it's not off-course, it's trespassing. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm sure they have a good reason. [Steve Rogers] You know, I'm getting a little tired of being Fury's janitor. [Natasha Romanoff] Relax, it's not that complicated. [Steve Rogers] How many pirates? [Brock Rumlow] Twenty-five, top mercs, led by this guy. Georges Batroc. (He shows them a photo of Batroc on the monitor.) [Brock Rumlow] Ex-DGSE, Action Division. He's at the top of Interpol's Red Notice. Before the French demobilized him, he had thirty-six kill missions. This guy's got a rep for maximum casualties. [Steve Rogers] Hostages? [Brock Rumlow] Uh...mostly techs. One officer, Jasper Sitwell. (He pulls up Sitwell's photo on the monitor.) [Brock Rumlow] They're in the galley. [Steve Rogers] What's Sitwell doing on a launch ship? Alright, I'm gonna sweep the deck and find Batroc. Nat, you'll kill the engines and wait for instructions. Rumlow, you sweep aft, find the hostages, get them to the life-pods, get 'em out. Let's move. [Brock Rumlow] STRIKE, you heard the Cap. Gear up. (as they are getting ready to dive off the jet; into his radio) [Steve Rogers] (talking into his wrist communicator) Secure channel seven. [Natasha Romanoff] Seven secure. Did you do anything fun Saturday night? [Steve Rogers] Well, all the guys from my barbershop quartet are dead, so... No, not really. [Pilot] (on radio) Coming up by the drop zone, Cap. [Natasha Romanoff] You know, if you ask Kristen out, from Statistics, she'd probably say yes. [Steve Rogers] That's why I don't ask. [Natasha Romanoff] Too shy or too scared? [Steve Rogers] Too busy! (Steve jumps out of the jet) [STRIKE Agent] Was he wearing a parachute? (Rumlow smiles) [Brock Rumlow] No. No, he wasn't. (after jumping out the jet Steve dives into the ocean and then climbs onto the ship, he then beats everyone on the deck swiftly before anyone raises the alarm when he's interrupted by one of the pirates pointing his gun at him) [French Pirate #1] Bouge pas! Bouge pas. (Don't move! Don't move.) (he's shot dead by Rumlow as he parachutes down onto the deck behind Steve) [Steve Rogers] Thanks. [Brock Rumlow] Yeah. You seemed pretty helpless without me. (Natasha and another agent parachute down onto the deck to join them) [Natasha Romanoff] What about the nurse that lives across the hall from you? She seems kind of nice. [Steve Rogers] Secure the engine room, then find me a date. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm multitasking. (Natasha Jumps down to the lower deck) (below deck we see the pirates are holding the ship's crew, including Sitwell, hostage) [French Pirate #1] J'ai dit à Batroc que si on veut que le SHIELD nous paye, commence à leur envoyer des corps maintenant ! ((subtitled) I said to Batroc, if we want SHIELD to pay, we have to start sending them bodies now!) (to the hostages). Une balle pour quelqu'un ((subtitled) I have a bullet for someone). (shouting in English) You want a bullet in your head?! T'en veux une. Hein ! (Do you want one? Eh?) (he kicks one of the hostage's leg). Bouge ton pied. Tu veux une balle dans la tête ? ((subtitled) Move that leg. Want a bullet in your head?) (meanwhile on the deck Steve moves quickly to find the hostages; in the control room) [Georges Batroc] J'aime pas attendre. Appelle Durand. Je veux que l'on s'arrache dès que la ranson arrive. ((subtitled) I do not like to wait. Call Durand. I want the ship ready to move when the ransom arrives.) [French Pirate] Oui, Batroc ((subtitled) Yes, Batroc.) (he makes the call) [French Pirate] Durand. Démarre le moteur.((subtitled) Durand. Start the engine.) [Durand] Okay. (Durand puts the phone down, turns and sees Natasha behind him) [Natasha Romanoff] Hey, sailor. (she quickly knocks him down and manages to swing down below deck shooting several of the pirates on the way) (to one of the hostages) [French Pirate] Ferme ta gueule ! ((subtitled) Shut up.) [French Pirate #1] Bouge pas toi ! Mais qu'est ce qui se passe ! Tu veux jouer les héros, c'est ça ! T'as pas intérêt ! ((subtitled) What is it? Want to be a hero?) (he looks at the hostages who keep their heads down) [French Pirate #1] Bon, j'ai trop attendu là. ((subtitled) Well, I've waited long enough.) (he goes over to the locked door and bangs on it to get the attention of the pirate guarding outside) [French Pirate #1] Hé, trouve Batroc, si j'ai pas de nouvelles dans deux minutes, je commence à les tuer. ((subtitled) Hey, look for Batroc. If I do not hear anything in two minutes, I'll start to kill them!) [French Pirate #2] D'accord. Je vais le chercher ! ((subtitled) Okay. I'll find him!) (as the pirate turns to leave Rumlow, who's standing behind him with a stun gun, shoots him, on the other side of the door the other pirate senses something but dismisses it) [French Pirate #1] Deux minutes. ((subtitled) Two minutes.) (we see Rumlow and another STRIKE Agent places a bomb on the locked door) (in the control room) [French Pirate] Silence radio du SHIELD, Batroc. ((subtitled) Radio silence from SHIELD, Batroc.) (Steve watches them from the deck, we see another STRIKE agent getting in position) [STRIKE Agent] Targets acquired. (below deck Rumlow points his gun at the bomb placed against door where the hostages are being kept) [Brock Rumlow] STRIKE in position. (into his radio) [Steve Rogers] Natasha, what's your status? (we see Natasha jumping down below deck to knock out one of the pirates) [Steve Rogers] Status, Natasha? [Natasha Romanoff] Hang on! (as the pirate attacks her she quickly knocks him out; into her radio) [Natasha Romanoff] Engine room secure. (Natasha grabs a pipe from the ground and knocks out one of the pirates) [French Pirate #1] Le temps est écoulé. Qui veut mourrir en premier. Hé toi ! Prend la fille. (subtitled) Time's up. Who wants to die first? (to one of his men) Hey, you! Take the girl. (into his radio) [Steve Rogers] On my mark. Three. Two. One. (the STRIKE team start shooting at the pirates, blow open the door and Rumlow quickly kills the head pirate) [Jasper Sitwell] I told you, SHIELD doesn't negotiate. (back in the control room one of Batroc's men tries to get hold of the pirate below deck) [French Pirate] Halo ? Je pense que la ligne est morte.J'ai perdu le contact. ((subtitled) Hello? Batroc, the line is dead. I lost contact with them.) (just then Steve smashes in through the window using his shield but Batroc manages to escape) (to Steve as he goes looking for Batroc) [Brock Rumlow] Hostages en route to extraction. Romanoff missed the rendezvous point, Cap. Hostiles are still in play. [Steve Rogers] Natasha, Batroc's on the move. Circle back to Rumlow and protect the hostages. (there's no reply from Natasha) [Steve Rogers] Natasha! (suddenly Batroc attacks Steve, they fight on the deck of the ship, with Batroc getting quickly back up on his feet) [Georges Batroc] Je croyais que tu étais plus qu'un bouclier. ((subtitled:) I thought that you were more than just a shield.) (Steve puts the shield on his back and takes off his mask) [Steve Rogers] On va voir. ((subtitled:) Let's see.) (they start fighting again, Steve manages to finally knock Batroc down by smashing through into one of the rooms where Natasha is downloading something from the computer) [Natasha Romanoff] Well, this is awkward. [Steve Rogers] What are you doing? [Natasha Romanoff] Backing up the hard drive. It's a good habit to get into. [Steve Rogers] Rumlow needed your help. What the hell are you doing here? (Steve goes over to Natasha and looks at what Natasha is backing up) [Steve Rogers] You're saving SHIELD Intel. [Natasha Romanoff] Whatever I can get my hands on. [Steve Rogers] Our mission is to rescue hostages. [Natasha Romanoff] No. That's your mission. (she finishes backing up and pulls the flash drive out) [Natasha Romanoff] And you've done it beautifully. (as Natasha goes to leave Steve grabs her arm) [Steve Rogers] You just jeopardized this whole operation. [Natasha Romanoff] I think that's overstating things. (suddenly Batroc rises and throws a grenade at the two as he runs off, Steve deflects the bomb with his shield, grabs Natasha and jumps through a window before it explodes) [Natasha Romanoff] Okay. That one's on me. [Steve Rogers] You're damn right. (The Triskelion, S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters; Steve walks into Fury's office) [Steve Rogers] You just can't stop yourself from lying, can you? [Nick Fury] I didn't lie. Agent Romanoff had a different mission than yours. [Steve Rogers] Which you didn't feel obliged to share. [Nick Fury] I'm not obliged to do anything. [Steve Rogers] Those hostages could've died, Nick. [Nick Fury] I sent the greatest soldier in history to make sure that didn't happen. [Steve Rogers] Soldiers trust each other, that's what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around and shooting guns. [Nick Fury] The last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye. Look, I didn't want you doing anything you weren't comfortable with. Agent Romanoff is comfortable with everything. [Steve Rogers] I can't lead a mission when the people I'm leading have missions of their owns. [Nick Fury] It's called compartmentalization. Nobody spills the secrets because nobody knows them all. [Steve Rogers] Except you. [Nick Fury] You're wrong about me. I do share. I'm nice like that. (Fury steps into an elevator with Steve following behind him) [Nick Fury] Insight bay. [SHIELD Computer] Captain Rogers does not have clearance for Project Insight. [Nick Fury] Director override, Fury, Nicholas J. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. (the elevator starts moving down) [Steve Rogers] You know, they used to play music. [Nick Fury] Yeah. My grandfather operated one of these things for forty years. My granddad worked in a nice building, he got good tips. (Nick looks up) Nick Fury:He'd walk home every night, roll of ones stuffed in his lunch bag. He'd say "hi", people would say hi back. Time went on, neighborhood got rougher. He'd say "Hi", they'd say, "Keep on steppin'. Granddad got to grippin' that lunch bag a little tighter. [Steve Rogers] Did he ever get mugged? [Nick Fury] Every week some punk would say, "What's in the bag?" [Steve Rogers] What did he do? [Nick Fury] He'd show 'em. Bunch of crumpled ones and loaded .22 Magnum. (Fury smiles) [Nick Fury] Granddad loved people. But he didn't trust them very much. (as they continue to ride down the elevator Steve notices the giant Helicarriers) [Nick Fury] Yeah, I know. They're a little bit bigger than a .22. (as Fury shows Steve round) [Nick Fury] This is Project Insight. Three next generation Helicarriers synced to a network of targeting satellites. [Steve Rogers] Launched from the Lemurian Star. [Nick Fury] Once we get them in the air they never need to come down. Continuous suborbital flight courtesy of our new repulsor engines. [Steve Rogers] Stark? [Nick Fury] Well, he had a few suggestions once he got an up close look at our old turbines. These new long range precision guns can eliminate a thousand hostiles a minute. The satellites can read a terrorist's DNA before he steps outside his spider hole. We gonna neutralize a lot of threats before they even happen. [Steve Rogers] I thought the punishment usually came after the crime. [Nick Fury] We can't afford to wait that long. [Steve Rogers] Who's "we"? [Nick Fury] After New York, I convinced the World Security Council we needed a quantum surge in threat analysis. For once we're way ahead of the curve. [Steve Rogers] By holding a gun at everyone on Earth and calling it protection. [Nick Fury] You know, I read those SSR files. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff. [Steve Rogers] Yeah, we compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well. But we did it so the people could be free. This isn't freedom, this is fear. [Nick Fury] SHIELD takes the world as it is, not as we'd like it to be. It's getting damn near past time for you to get with that program, Cap. [Steve Rogers] Don't hold your breath. (Steve turns and walks off) (Steve takes off on his motorcycle; in the Smithsonian Museum there is an exhibit dedicated to Captain America) [The Smithsonian Narrator] A symbol to the nation. A hero to the world. The story of Captain America is one of honor, bravery and sacrifice. (Steve, keeping his face hidden under a baseball cap, walks over to the exhibition) [Woman on PA] (faintly) Welcome to the Smithsonian. Visitor information booths are available on the second level. [The Smithsonian Narrator] Denied enlistment due to poor health, Steven Rogers was chosen for a program unique in the annals of American warfare. One that would transform him into the world's first super soldier. (a boy recognizes him, Steve smiles puts his finger against his mouth to indicate for the boy to keep quiet and the boy nods, Steve then watches some old footage of himself) [Old Footage Recording] In this rare footage, everyone's favorite war hero, Captain America... (Steve goes to the display where there are mannequins with costumes of Steve's old commando squad) [The Smithsonian Narrator] Battle tested, Captain America and his Howling Commandos quickly earned their stripes. Their mission, taking down HYDRA, the Nazi rogue science division. (Steve walks over to the a display of his friend Bucky Barnes) [The Smithsonian Narrator] Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield. Barnes is the only Howling Commando to give his life in service of his country. (Steve watches an older looking Peggy Carter being interviewed) [Peggy Carter] That was a difficult winter. A blizzard had trapped half our battalion behind the German line. Steve... (Peggy hesitates) [Peggy Carter] Captain Rogers, he fought his way through a HYDRA blockade that had pinned our allies down for months. He saved over a thousand men, including the man who would...who would become my husband as it turned out. Even after he died, Steve was still changing my life. (Steve looks at the photo of Peggy he'd kept in his old compass) (Steve visits Peggy, who is now lying sick in bed) [Steve Rogers] You should be proud of yourself, Peggy. (Steve looks at Peggy's family photos by her bedside table showing her with her husband and children) [Peggy Carter] Mm. I have lived a life. My only regret is that you didn't get to live yours. (Steve looks sad) [Peggy Carter] What is it? [Steve Rogers] For as long as I can remember I just wanted to do what was right. I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore. And I thought I could throw myself back in and follow orders, serve. It's just not the same. (Peggy chuckles) [Peggy Carter] You're always so dramatic. Look, you saved the world. We rather...mucked it up. [Steve Rogers] You didn't. Knowing that you helped found SHIELD is half the reason I stay. (Peggy takes Steve's hand) [Peggy Carter] Hey. The world has changed and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best that we can do is to start over. (Peggy starts to cough, Steve turns to get her some water and goes to hand it to her) [Steve Rogers] Peggy. (suddenly Peggy looks at Steve like she's seeing for the first time since he was frozen) [Peggy Carter] Steve? [Steve Rogers] Yeah. [Peggy Carter] You're alive! You...you came, you came back. [Steve Rogers] Yeah, Peggy. (Peggy begins to cry) [Peggy Carter] It's been so long. So long. [Steve Rogers] Well, I couldn't leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance. (Fury is alone in his office; to his voice controlled computer) [Nick Fury] Secure office. (all the windows are blackened, Fury takes out the flash drive Natasha had downloaded all the files from the the Lemurian Star and places it in his computer) [Nick Fury] Open Lemurian Star's satellite launch file. [SHIELD Computer] Access denied. [Nick Fury] Run decryption. [SHIELD Computer] Decryption failed. [Nick Fury] Director override, Fury, Nicholas J. [SHIELD Computer] Override denied. All files sealed. [Nick Fury] On whose authority? [SHIELD Computer] Fury, Nicholas J. (Fury looks confused and worried) (Fury enters elevator) [Nick Fury] World Security Council. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. (Alexander Pierce is holding a virtual meeting with the World Security Council) [Councilman Rockwell] If Nick Fury thinks he can get his costumed thugs and STRIKE commandos to mop-up his mess, he's sadly mistaken. This failure is unacceptable. [Councilman Singh] Well, considering this attack took place one mile from my country's sovereign waters, it's a bit more then that. I move for immediate hearing. [Councilwoman Hawley] We don't need hearings, we need action. It's this Council's duty to oversee SHIELD. [Councilman Yen] A breach like this raises serious questions. [Councilman Rockwell] Like how the hell did a French pirate manage to hijack a covert SHIELD vessel in broad daylight? [Alexander Pierce] For the record, councilman, he's Algerian. I can draw a map if it'll help. [Councilman Rockwell] I appreciate your wit, Secretary Pierce. But this Council take things like international piracy fairly seriously. [Alexander Pierce] Really? I don't. I don't care about one boat, I care about the fleet. If this Council is going to fall a rancor every time someone pushes us on the playing field, maybe we need someone to oversee us. [Councilman Yen] Mr. Secretary, nobody is suggesting... (they are interrupted by Pierce's assistant walking in and whispering something to Pierce; to the council) [Alexander Pierce] Excuse me. [Councilman Rockwell] More trouble, Mr. Secretary? [Alexander Pierce] It depends on your definition. (the meeting ends as Pierce leaves) [Alexander Pierce] I work forty floors away and it takes a hijacking for you to visit? [Nick Fury] A nuclear war would do it too. (they shake hands; referring to Pierce's meeting with the World Security Council) [Nick Fury] Busy in there? [Alexander Pierce] Nothing some earmarks can't fix. [Nick Fury] I'm, uh...here to ask a favor. I want you to call for a vote. Project insight has to be delayed. [Alexander Pierce] Nick, that's not a favor, that's a subcommittee hearing. A long one. [Nick Fury] It could be nothing, probably is nothing. I just need time to make sure it's nothing. [Alexander Pierce] What if it's something? [Nick Fury] Then we'll both be damn glad those Helicarriers aren't in the air. (Pierce hesitates a moment before replying) [Alexander Pierce] Fine. But you gotta get Iron Man to stop by my niece's birthday party. (Nick shakes his hand) [Nick Fury] Thank you, sir. [Alexander Pierce] And not just a flyby, he's got to mingle. (Pierce turns and leaves) (Steve goes to a PTSD group meeting where Sam is counseling other veterans) [Female War Veteran] The thing is I think it's getting worse. A cop pulled me over last week, he thought I was drunk. I swerved to miss a plastic bag. I thought it was an IED. [Sam Wilson] Some stuff you leave there, other stuff you bring back. It's our job to figure out how to carry it. Is it gonna be in a big suitcase or in a little man-purse? It's up to you. (after the meeting ends Steve waits for Sam as he finishes saying goodbye to the veterans) [Female War Veteran] I'll see you next week. [Sam Wilson] Yeah. [Female War Veteran] Yeah. (Sam walks over to Steve) [Sam Wilson] Look who it is. The running man. [Steve Rogers] Caught the last few minutes. It's pretty intense. [Sam Wilson] Yeah, brother, we all got the same problems. Guilt, regret. [Steve Rogers] You lose someone? [Sam Wilson] My wingman, Riley. Flying a night mission.Standard PJ rescue op, nothing we hadn't done a thousand times before, till RPG knock Riley's dumb ass out of the sky. Nothing I could do. It's like I was up there just to watch. [Steve Rogers] I'm sorry. [Sam Wilson] After that, I had really hard time finding a reason for being over there, you know? [Steve Rogers] But you're happy now, back in the world? [Sam Wilson] Hey, the number of people giving me orders is down to about zero. So, hell, yeah. You thinking about getting out? [Steve Rogers] No. I don't know. To be honest, I don't know what I would do with myself if I did. [Sam Wilson] Ultimate fighting? (Steve laughs) It's just a great idea off the top of my head. But seriously, you could do whatever you want to do. What makes you happy? [Steve Rogers] I don't know. (as Fury drives through the city he instructs his car computer to make a call) [Fury's Car] Activating communications encryption protocol. [Nick Fury] Open secure line zero-four-zero-five. [Fury's Car] Confirmed. [Maria Hill] This is Hill. [Nick Fury] I need you here in D.C. Deep shadow conditions. [Maria Hill] Give me four hours. [Nick Fury] You have three, over. (Fury stops at a red traffic light, he looks over to the next car and sees the two police officers in the car look at him with suspicion) Want to see my lease? (the policemen quickly sound their police horn once before they start to drive off, as Fury goes to drive off suddenly another police car smashes into his car, his car is then surrounded by several other police cars crashing into him; inside his car Fury is injured) [Fury's Car] Fracture detected. Recommend anesthetic injection. (as Fury is giving himself the injection a SWAT team truck pulls up) D.C. Metro Police dispatch shows no units in this area. (Fury is surrounded by the police and SWAT team, he quickly realizes they are all disguised mercenaries; to his car computer) [Nick Fury] Get me out of here! (the mercenaries suddenly start shooting at Fury's car) [Fury's Car] Propulsion systems offline. [Nick Fury] Then reboot, dammit! (the armor on Fury's vehicle starts to become weaker, the mercenaries bring out a battering ram to break in) [Fury's Car] Warning! Window integrity compromised. [Nick Fury] You think? How long to propulsion? [Fury's Car] Calculating. (the mercenaries start to use the battering ram on Fury's car window) Window Integrity thiry-one percent. Deploying countermeasures. [Nick Fury] Hold that order! (the batterring ram is smashed against the car window again) [Fury's Car] Window Integrity nineteen percent. Offensive measures advised. [Nick Fury] Wait! (the battering ram is smashed against the window again) [Fury's Car] Window Integrity one percent. [Nick Fury] Now! (suddenly a minigun pulls up from inside the car and Fury uses it to return fire on the mercenaries causing the SWAT truck and some of the police cars to explode) [Fury's Car] Propulsion systems now online. [Nick Fury] Full acceleration, now! (as he continues to fire at the mercenaries Fury's car automatically backs up and drives off) Initiate vertical takeoff! [Fury's Car] Flight systems damaged. [Nick Fury] Then activate guidance cameras! (Fury goes over into the drivers seat) Give me the wheel! (Fury takes over driving his car as the mercenaries chase after him in their police cars) Get me Agent Hill. [Fury's Car] Communications array damaged. [Nick Fury] Well, what's not damaged? [Fury's Car] Air conditioning is fully operational. (the police cars continue to chase after Fury as he weaves through the cars on the road) Traffic ahead. [Nick Fury] Give me an alternate route. [Fury's Car] Traffic alert on Roosevelt Bridge. All vehicles stopped. 17th Avenue clear in three blocks, directly ahead. (as Fury heads into the traffic he smashes into some cars causing a pile up which stops the police cars, the mercenaries get out and start shooting at Fury's car, Fury manages to kill two of the mercenaries by running them down before getting past the traffic, but the remaining mercenaries continue to chase after him and manage to sandwich Fury's vehicle between them) Warning, approaching intersection. (as they approach the intersection Fury manages to shake off the two police cars, killing off the mercenaries) [Nick Fury] Get me off the grid! [Fury's Car] Calculating route to secure location. (Fury sees a mysterious figure emerge ahead which suddenly shoots a bomb that attaches itself to Fury's vehicle causing it to explode and flip over; trapped inside his car, Fury watches as the figure walks over to the car but he manages to escape just in time by using a laser weapon to burn a hole out.) (As Steve is walking to his apartment his hears his pretty neighbor talking on the phone as she goes to do her laundry) [Sharon Carter] That's so sweet. That is so nice. Hey. I gotta go, though. Okay, bye. (turning to Steve) My aunt, she's kind of an insomniac. (Steve smiles at her) Yeah. [Steve Rogers] Hey, if you want...if you want, you're welcome to use my machine. Might be cheaper than the one in the basement. [Sharon Carter] Oh, yeah? What's it cost? [Steve Rogers] A cup of coffee? [Sharon Carter] Thank you, but um...I already have a load in downstairs, and, uh...you really don't want my scrubs in your machine. I'm just finished orientation in the infectious diseases ward, so. [Steve Rogers] Ah, well, I'll keep my distance. [Sharon Carter] Well hopefully not too far. (Steve nods and turns to go into his apartment) Oh, and I think you left your stereo on. [Steve Rogers] Oh. Right, thank you. [Sharon Carter] Yeah. (Steve watches her go down the stairs before turning in suspicion to his door) (Steve hears music as he cautiously enters his apartment though the window, he grabs his shield for protection and finds Fury sitting on his couch in the dark) [Steve Rogers] I don't remember giving you a key. [Nick Fury] You really think I'd need one? My wife kicked me out. [Steve Rogers] Didn't know you were married. [Nick Fury] A lot of things you don't about me. [Steve Rogers] I know, Nick. That's the problem. (as Steve turns on the light he notices Fury's injuries for the first time, but Fury indicates for him to be silent, he turns off the light and writes something on his phone and shows it to Steve; "ears everywhere") [Nick Fury] I'm sorry to have to do this, but I had no place else to crash. (he writes another text and shows it to Steve; "SHIELD compromised") [Steve Rogers] Who else knows about your wife? (Fury shows him another text; "You and me") [Nick Fury] Just...my friends. [Steve Rogers] Is that what we are? [Nick Fury] That's up to you. (suddenly Fury is shot three times from through the wall and collapses, Steve looks out the window for the shooter then he quickly drags Fury to the next room, before he leaves Fury hands him the flash drive) Don't...trust anyone. (Fury passes out) (Steve hears someone breaking into his apartment and hears his neighbor calling out to him) [Sharon Carter] Captain Rogers? (Steve sees her walking in with her gun pointed) Captain, I'm Agent 13 of SHIELD Special Service. [Steve Rogers] Kate? [Sharon Carter] I'm assigned to protect you. [Steve Rogers] On whose order? (She notices Fury lying injured on the ground) [Sharon Carter] His. (she goes to Fury then contacts SHIELD through her radio) Foxtrot is down, he's unresponsive. I need EMTs. [SHIELD Agent] Do you have a twenty on the shooter? (Steve notices the shooter though the window) [Steve Rogers] Tell him I'm in pursuit. (Steve smashes through his window and runs after the assassin, who is the same mysterious man that had exploded Fury's car, Steve chases him through an office building smashing through the walls, when he finally catches up with him on the roof he throws his shield at the assassin, but he catches it with one swift move, then throws it back to Steve and then jumps down the building and disappears.) (Natasha goes to the hospital and meets up with Steve, they watch doctors operating on Fury) [Natasha Romanoff] Is he gonna make it? [Steve Rogers] I don't know. [Natasha Romanoff] Tell me about the shooter. [Steve Rogers] He's fast and strong. Had a metal arm. (just then Agent Maria Hill also joins them) [Natasha Romanoff] Ballistics? [Maria Hill] Three slugs, no rifling. Completely untraceable. [Natasha Romanoff] Soviet-made. [Maria Hill] Yeah. (suddenly they watch in shock as Fury's state deteriorates) [Male Nurse] He's in V-tach. [Female Nurse] Crash cart coming in. [Doctor] Nurse, help me with the drape. [Male Nurse] BP is dropping. [Doctor] Defibrillator! (Steve, Natasha and Hill watch in shock as Fury is flatlining) I want you to charge him at one hundred. [Natasha Romanoff] Don't do this to me, Nick. [Doctor] Stand back! Three, two, one. Clear! (Fury is given a shock with the defibrillator) Pulse? [Male Nurse] No pulse. [Doctor #1] No pulse. [Doctor] Okay. 200, please. Stand back! Three, two, one. Clear! (Fury is given another shock) Give me epinephrine! Pulse? [Male Nurse] Negative. [Natasha Romanoff] Don't do this to me, Nick. Don't do this to me. (the three watch the doctors as they continue to revive Fury but Fury is still showing as flatlining, Steve turns away as they finally call his time of death) [Doctor] What's the time? [Female Nurse] 1:03, Doctor. [Doctor] Time of death, 1:03 a.m. (Steve looks down at the flash drive Fury had given him) (Natasha and Steve are in a room where Fury's dead body has been laid out, Natasha is looking at Fury's body with tears running down her face, Hill joins them) [Maria Hill] I need to take him. (Steve goes over to Natasha) [Steve Rogers] Natasha. (she doesn't respond, instead she tenderly touches Fury's head then turns and walks out, Steve follows her) Natasha! [Natasha Romanoff] Why was Fury in your apartment? [Steve Rogers] I don't know. (they are interrupted by Rumlow) [Brock Rumlow] Cap, they want you back at SHIELD. [Steve Rogers] Yeah, give me a second. [Brock Rumlow] They want you now. [Steve Rogers] Okay. (Steven turns to Natasha) [Natasha Romanoff] You're a terrible liar. (she turns and walks off) [Jasper Sitwell] (on earpiece) STRIKE team, escort Captain Rogers back to SHIELD immediately for questioning. [Brock Rumlow] I told him. (Steve notices the vending machine next to him, we then see Steve walking towards Rumlow) [Steve Rogers] Let's go. [Brock Rumlow] Yeah. (to the agents) STRIKE, move it out. (as they leave we see that Steve has hid the flash drive behind a pack of gums in the vending machine) (back at SHIELD, Steve is brought to Pierce who is talking to Agent 13) [Alexander Pierce] For whatever it's worth, you did your best. [Sharon Carter] Thank you, sir. (as she turns to leave she sees Steve) Captain Rogers. (Steve replies coldly as he walks towards Pierce) [Steve Rogers] Neighbor. [Alexander Pierce] Ah, Captain. I'm Alexander Pierce. [Steve Rogers] Sir, it's an honor. (they shake hands) [Alexander Pierce] The honor is mine, Captain. My father served in the 101st. Come on in. (they enter Pierce's office where he shows Steve an old photo of Fury with Pierce) That photo was taken five years after Nick and I met. When I was at State Department in Bogota. ELN rebels took the embassy, and security got me out, but the rebels took hostages. Nick was deputy chief for the SHIELD station there. And he comes to me with a plan. He wants to storm the building through the sewers. I said, "No, we'll negotiate." Turned out the ELN didn't negotiate, so they put out a kill order. They stormed the basement, and what did they find? They find it empty. Nick had ignored my direct order and carried out an unauthorized military operation on foreign soil. He saved the lives of a dozen political officers, including my daughter. [Steve Rogers] So you gave him a promotion. [Alexander Pierce] I've never had any cause to regret it. Captain, why was Nick in your apartment last night? [Steve Rogers] I don't know. [Alexander Pierce] You know it was bugged? [Steve Rogers] I did, because Nick told me. [Alexander Pierce] Did he tell you he was the one who bugged it? (Steve doesn't reply obviously not knowing this information) I want you to see something. (he brings up footage of Batroc being interrogated) [SHIELD Agent] Who hired you, Batroc? [Steve Rogers] Is that live? [Alexander Pierce] Yeah, they picked him up last night in a not-so-safe house in Algiers. [Steve Rogers] Are you saying he's a suspect? Assassination isn't Batroc's line. [Alexander Pierce] No, it's more complicated than that. Batroc was hired anonymously to attack the Lemurian Star and he was contacted by e-mail and paid by wire transfer. And then the money was run through seventeen fictitious accounts, the last one going to a holding company that was registered to a Jacob Veech. [Steve Rogers] Am I supposed to know who that is? (he hands Steve the file) [Alexander Pierce] Not likely. Veech died six years ago. His last address was 14-35 Elmhurst Drive. When I first met Nick his mother lived at 14-37. [Steve Rogers] Are you saying Fury hired the pirates? Why? [Alexander Pierce] The prevailing theory was that the hijacking was a cover for the acquisition and sale of classified intelligence. The sale went sour and that led to Nick's death. [Steve Rogers] If you really knew Nick Fury you'd know that's not true. [Alexander Pierce] Why do you think we're talking? See, I took a seat on the Council not because I wanted to but because Nick asked me to, because we were both realists. We knew that despite all the diplomacy and the handshaking and the rhetoric, that to build a really better world sometimes means having to tear the old one down. And that makes enemies. Those people that call you dirty because you got the guts to stick your hands in the mud and try to build something better. And the idea that those people could be happy today, makes me really, really angry. (he hesitates a moment) Captain, you were the last one to see Nick alive. I don't think that's an accident, and I don't think you do either. So I'm gonna ask again, why was he there? [Steve Rogers] He told me not to trust anyone. [Alexander Pierce] I wonder if that included him. (Steve pauses a moment before replying) [Steve Rogers] I'm sorry. Those were his last words. Excuse me. (Steve picks up his shield, places it on his back and starts to make his out of the office) [Alexander Pierce] Captain. (Steve stops and looks at Pierce) Somebody murdered my friend and I'm gonna find out why. Anyone gets in my way, they're gonna regret it. Anyone. [Steve Rogers] Understood. (Steve turns and leaves) [Steve Rogers] (after he leaves Pierce's office he steps into the elevator) Operations control. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. (just as the elevator doors are about to close Rumlow steps in with two STRIKE agents) [Brock Rumlow] Keep all STRIKE personnel on site. [STRIKE Agent #1] Understood. [STRIKE Agent #2] Yes, sir. [Brock Rumlow] Forensics. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. [Brock Rumlow] Cap. [Steve Rogers] Rumlow. (the elevator doors close and they start riding down) [Brock Rumlow] Evidence Response found some fibres on the roof they want us to see. You want me to get the tac-team ready? [Steve Rogers] No, lets wait and see what it is first. [Brock Rumlow] Right. (Steve notices one of the agents touching his weapon suspiciously) (the elevator stops and more SHIELD and STRIKE agents enter) [SHIELD Agent #1] What's the status so far? [SHIELD Agent #2] Administrations level. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. [SHIELD Agent #2] (to Steve) Excuse me. [Brock Rumlow] (to Steve) I'm sorry about what happened with Fury. Messed up, what happened to him. [Steve Rogers] Thank you. (feeling something is off, Steve looks at the agents in the elevator and notices one of them is sweating, then the elevator stops and more agents enter) [STRIKE Agent #3] Records. [SHIELD Computer] Confirmed. (as the elevator doors close Steve realizes he's been surrounded by agents) [Steve Rogers] Before we get started, does anyone want to get out? (there's a moment's pause before suddenly one of the agents turns and uses an electric rod to give Steve a shock, the others grab him and try to strap his wrists with magnetic cuffs, Steve manages to knock some of them down but one cuff remains, then Rumlow uses his rod to give Steve a shock) (as Steve is being attacked we see Sitwell in a controls room watching them from a monitor) [Jasper Sitwell] Mobilize STRIKE units, 25th floor. (Steve manages free himself from the magnetic cuff and knock all the agents down, he turns to Rumlow) [Brock Rumlow] Whoa, big guy. I just want you to know, Cap, this ain't personal. (Rumlow then goes to attack Steve with his electric rod but Steve manages to defend himself and eventually knocks Rumlow out) [Steve Rogers] It kind of feels personal. (Steve picks up his shield then opens the elevator doors, but he's faced by a team of STRIKE agents pointing their weapons at him) [25th Floor STRIKE Agent] Drop the shield! Put your hands in the air! (Steve uses his shield to break off the elevator wires which sends the elevator down, as he forces the doors open he sees more STRIKE agents approaching him, he closes the door and looks for a way out) [STRIKE Agent] Give it up, Rogers! Get that door open! You have nowhere to go! (Steve breaks through the glass in the elevator and plummets down to finally hit the ground floor, from his monitor Sitwell watches in shock as Steve gets up and starts running off) [Jasper Sitwell] Are you kidding me? (ordering the STRIKE team) He's headed for the garage. Lock down the bridge! (Steve rides out of the SHIELD garage on his motorcycle, evading the obstacles laid out but then a Quinjet emerges ahead of him) [Quinjet Pilot] Stand down, Captain Rogers. Stand down. (the Quinjet lowers its machine gun) Repeat, stand down. (as Steve doesn't stop they start shooting at him, Steve throws his shield into the propellers to jam it, giving him an opportunity to hop onto it and do more damage to the jet with his shield before jumping off as the jet goes crashing down and he escapes) [Jasper Sitwell] (to the SHIELD agents) Eyes here. (everyone, including Agent 13, looks at Sitwell) Whatever your op is, bury it. This is Level One. Contact DOT. All traffic lights in the district go red. Shut all runways at BWI, IAD and Reagan. All security cameras in the city go through this monitor, right here. Scan all open sources. Phones, computers, PDAs, whatever. If someone tweets about this guy, I want to know about it. [Sharon Carter] With all due respect, If SHIELD is conducting a manhunt for Captain America, we deserve to know why. [Alexander Pierce] Because he lied to us. (Pierce enters the room) Captain Rogers has information regarding the death of Director Fury, he refused to share it. As difficult as this is to accept, Captain America is a fugitive from SHIELD. (disguised as a civilian dressed in a hoody, Steve goes back to the hospital to retrieve the flash drive from the vending machine but sees it's gone, then Natasha appears behind him chewing some gum, in anger Steve pushes her into a room) [Steve Rogers] Where is it? [Natasha Romanoff] Safe. [Steve Rogers] Do better! [Natasha Romanoff] Where did you get it? [Steve Rogers] Why would I tell you? [Natasha Romanoff] Fury gave it to you. Why? [Steve Rogers] What's on it? [Natasha Romanoff] I don't know. [Steve Rogers] Stop lying! [Natasha Romanoff] I only act like I know everything, Rogers. [Steve Rogers] I bet you knew Fury hired the pirates, didn't you? [Natasha Romanoff] Well, it makes sense. The ship was dirty, Fury needed a way in, so do you. [Steve Rogers] I'm not gonna ask you again. [Natasha Romanoff] I know who killed Fury. Most of the intelligence community doesn't believe he exists, the ones who do call him the Winter Soldier. He's credited with over two dozen assassinations in the last fifty years. [Steve Rogers] So he's a ghost story. [Natasha Romanoff] Five years ago I was escorting a nuclear engineer out of Iran, somebody shot out my tires near Odessa. We lost control, went straight over a cliff, I pulled us out, but the Winter Soldier was there. I was covering my engineer, so he shot him straight through me. (she pulls up her shirt to show him the scar on the side of her stomach) Soviet slug, no rifling. Bye-bye bikinis. [Steve Rogers] Yeah, I bet you look terrible in them now. (there's a hit of a smile from Natasha) [Natasha Romanoff] Going after him is a dead end. I know, I've tried. (Natasha holds up the flash drive) Like you said, he's a ghost story. (Steve takes the flash drive from her) [Steve Rogers] Well, let's find out what the ghost wants. (Pierce is holding another virtual meeting with the World Security Council) [Alexander Pierce] Nick Fury was murdered in cold blood. To any reasonable person, that would make him a martyr, not a traitor. [Councilman Rockwell] You know what makes him a traitor? Hiring a mercenary to hijack his own ship. [Councilman Singh] Nick Fury used your friendship to coerce this council into delaying Project Insight. A project he knew would expose his own illegal operations. At best, he lied to you. At worst... [Alexander Pierce] Are you calling for my resignation? I've got a pen and paper right here. [Councilwoman Hawley] That discussion can be tabled for a later time. [Alexander Pierce] But you do want to have a discussion. [Councilman Rockwell] We've already had it, Mr. Secretary. This council moves to immediately reactivate Project Insight. If you want to say something snappy, now would be a good time. (Steve and Natasha go to the mall disguised as a civilian couple) [Natasha Romanoff] First rule of going on the run is, don't run, walk. [Steve Rogers] If I run in these shoes, they're gonna fall off. (they go to a Mac store to use one of their computers) [Natasha Romanoff] The drive has a Level Six homing program, so as soon as we boot up SHIELD will know exactly where we are. [Steve Rogers] How much time do we have? [Natasha Romanoff] Uh...about nine minutes from... (she pops the flash drive into a MacBook Pro) Now. (we see several SHIELD vehicles heading their way) Fury was right about that ship, somebody's trying to hide something. This drive is protected by some sort of AI, it keeps rewriting itself to counter my commands. [Steve Rogers] Can you override it? [Natasha Romanoff] The person who developed this is slightly smarter than me. Slightly. (Rumlow and his team pull up outside the mall and head inside) (back at the Mac store, Steve and Natasha continue to try and find out what's on the flash drive) I'm gonna try running a tracer. This is a program that SHIELD developed to track hostile malware, so if we can't read the file, maybe we can find out where it came from. [Apple Employee] Can I help you guys with anything? [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, no. My fiancé was just helping me with some honeymoon destinations. [Steve Rogers] Right! We're getting married. [Apple Employee] Congratulations. Where do you guys thinking about going? (Steve looks at the monitor and sees the signal traced to somewhere in New Jersey) [Steve Rogers] New Jersey. [Apple Employee] Oh. (the employee looks at Steve for a moment) I have the exact same glasses. [Natasha Romanoff] Wow, you two are practically twins. [Apple Employee] Yeah, I wish. Specimen. Uh...if you guys need anything, I've been Aaron. [Steve Rogers] Thank you. (as Rumlow and his team are in the mall looking for Steve and Natasha) You said nine minutes, come on. [Natasha Romanoff] Shh, relax. Got it. (they find the signal is coming from Wheaton, NJ) You know it? [Steve Rogers] I used to. Let's go. (Steve pulls the flash drive from the computer and they walk out of the store) Standard tac-team. Two behind, to across, two coming straight at us. If they make us, I'll engage, you hit the south escalator to the metro. (as two agents are coming straight towards them) [Natasha Romanoff] Shut up and put your arm around me, laugh at something I said. [Steve Rogers] What? [Natasha Romanoff] Do it! (Steve quickly puts his arm around Natasha and laughs) (inside the Mac store one of the agents looks around) [Jack Rollins] Negative at the source. [Brock Rumlow] Give me a floor rundown. [SHIELD Agent #2] Negative on three. [SHIELD Agent #3] Negative on two. [Brock Rumlow] Snake the upper levels, work down to me. (as they are going down the escalator Natasha spots Rumlow on the escalator next to them going up, she turns to Steve) [Natasha Romanoff] Kiss me. [Steve Rogers] What? [Natasha Romanoff] Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable. [Steve Rogers] Yes, they do. (she quickly pulls down Steve's head and kisses him making Rumlow look away as he goes past them on the escalator) [Natasha Romanoff] You still uncomfortable? [Steve Rogers] It's not exactly the word I would use. (as they drive to New Jersey) [Natasha Romanoff] Where did Captain America learn how to steal a car? [Steve Rogers] Nazi Germany. [Natasha Romanoff] Mm. [Steve Rogers] And we're borrowing. Take your feet off the dash. (Natasha takes her feet off the dash) [Natasha Romanoff] Alright, I have a question for you, oh, which you do not have to answer. I feel like if you don't answer it though, you're kind of answering it, you know? [Steve Rogers] What? [Natasha Romanoff] Was that your first kiss since 1945? [Steve Rogers] That bad, huh? [Natasha Romanoff] I didn't say that. [Steve Rogers] Well, it kind of sounds like that's what you're saying. [Natasha Romanoff] No, I didn't. I just wondered how much practice you've had. [Steve Rogers] You don't need practice. [Natasha Romanoff] Everybody needs practice. [Steve Rogers] It was not my first kiss since 1945. I'm ninety-five, I'm not dead. [Natasha Romanoff] Nobody special, though? (Steve chuckles) [Steve Rogers] Believe it or not, it's kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience. [Natasha Romanoff] Well, that's alright, you just make something up. [Steve Rogers] What, like you? [Natasha Romanoff] I don't know. The truth is a matter of circumstances, it's not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I. [Steve Rogers] That's a tough way to live. [Natasha Romanoff] It's a good way not to die, though. [Steve Rogers] You know, it's kind of hard to trust someone when you don't know who that someone really is. [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah. Who do you want me to be? [Steve Rogers] How about a friend? (Natasha laughs softly) [Natasha Romanoff] Well, there's a chance you might be in the wrong business, Rogers. (the two pull up to outside an abandoned military base where the signal led them to) [Steve Rogers] This is it. [Natasha Romanoff] The file came from these coordinates. [Steve Rogers] So did I. (later that night as they walk around the base trying to pinpoint where the signal came from) This camp is where I was trained. [Natasha Romanoff] Changed much? [Steve Rogers] A little. (Steve has a brief visions of his former, smaller self running past him as he's getting trained with other soldiers) [Sergeant Duffy] Pick up the pace, ladies! Let's go! Let's go! Double time! Come on Rogers, move it! (his former self stops and stares at Steve as he is now) Come on! Fall in! Rogers! I said fall in! (present Steve watches nostalgically as the former Steve runs off) [Natasha Romanoff] This is a dead end. Zero heat signature, zero waves, not even radio. Whoever wrote the file must have used a router to throw people off. (Steve notices a building ahead of them) What is it? (as they walk over to the building) [Steve Rogers] Army regulations forbid storing ammunition within five hundred yards of the barracks. This building is in the wrong place. (Steve opens the lock with his shield and they enter inside, when they turn on the lights they notice it's a SHIELD office) [Natasha Romanoff] This is SHIELD. [Steve Rogers] Maybe where it started. (they enter a room where they find old framed portraits of Howard Stark, Peggy and Col. Chester Phillips) [Natasha Romanoff] There's Stark's father. [Steve Rogers] Howard. [Natasha Romanoff] Who's the girl? (Steve doesn't reply and turns away to walk further down the room and stops by a massive book shelf) [Steve Rogers] If you're already working in a secret office... (he pushes the books shelf and slides open to reveal an elevator behind it) Why do you need to hide the elevator? (they go down the elevator which takes them to a room with old looking computers) [Natasha Romanoff] This can't be the data-point, this technology is ancient. (suddenly Natasha notices a small flash drive port, she places the flash drive in it which then activates the ancient computer in the room) [Computer] Initiate system? (Natasha types using the keyboard) [Natasha Romanoff] Y-E-S, spells yes. (Natasha smiles as the old computer starts to cranks up) "Shall we play a game?" (to Steve) It's from a movie that... [Steve Rogers] Yeah, I saw it. (suddenly they hear an accented voice speaking) [Dr. Arnim Zola] Rogers, Steven. Born, 1918. Romanoff, Natalia Alianovna. Born, 1984. (they see an old camera moving above them as it analyzes them) [Natasha Romanoff] It's some kind of a recording. [Dr. Arnim Zola] I am not a recording, Fräulein. I may not be the man I was when the Captain took me prisoner in 1945, but I am. (the computer screen shows an old photo of Dr. Arnim Zola) [Natasha Romanoff] Do you know this thing? [Steve Rogers] Arnim Zola was a German scientist who worked for the Red Skull. He's been dead for years. [Dr. Arnim Zola] First correction, I am Swiss. Second, look around you. I have never been more alive. In 1972 I received a terminal diagnosis. Science could not save my body, my mind, however, that was worth saving on two hundred thousand feet of data banks. You are standing in my brain. [Steve Rogers] How did you get here? [Dr. Arnim Zola] Invited. [Natasha Romanoff] It was Operation Paperclip after World War II. SHIELD recruited German scientists with strategic value. [Dr. Arnim Zola] They thought I could help their cause. I also helped my own. [Steve Rogers] HYDRA died with the Red Skull. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Cut off one head, two more shall take its place. [Steve Rogers] Prove it. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Accessing archive. (the computer screen shows them old footage of Johann Schmidt/Red Skull, of the how the original SHIELD founders) HYDRA was founded on the belief that humanity could not be trusted with its own freedom. What we did not realize, was that if you try to take that freedom, they resist. The war taught us much. Humanity needed to surrender its freedom willingly. After the war, SHIELD was founded and I was recruited. The new HYDRA grew. A beautiful parasite inside SHIELD. For seventy years HYDRA has been secretly feeding crisis, reaping war. And when history did not cooperate, history was changed. [Natasha Romanoff] That's impossible, SHIELD would have stopped you. [Dr. Arnim Zola] Accidents will happen. (the computer screen shows them HYDRA had killed Howard and Maria Stark making it look like a car accident along with the recent death of Fury) HYDRA created a world so chaotic that humanity is finally ready to sacrifice its freedom to gain its security. Once the purification process is complete, HYDRA's new world order will arise. We won, Captain. Your death amounts to the same as your Life; a zero sum. (in anger Steve suddenly smashes the computer screen) As I was saying... [Steve Rogers] What's on this drive? [Dr. Arnim Zola] Project Insight requires insight. So I wrote an algorithm. [Natasha Romanoff] What kind of algorithm? What does it do? [Dr. Arnim Zola] The answer to your question is fascinating. Unfortunately, you shall be too dead to hear it. (suddenly the doors starts to close, Steve tries stops it by throwing his shield in between it but he's too late) [Natasha Romanoff] Steve, we got a bogey. Short range ballistic. 30 seconds tops. [Steve Rogers] Who fired it? [Natasha Romanoff] S.H.I.E.L.D. [Dr. Arnim Zola] I am afraid I have been stalling, Captain. Admit it, it's better this way. We're both of us...out of time. (Steve notices a small opening on the ground, he throws the metal door aside and just as the place explodes he throws himself and Natasha into the hole and protects them with his shield, he then manages to get them out from under the building rubble just as STRIKE agents arrive to roam the area for them) [Brock Rumlow] (As he notices a footprint in the dust) Call in the asset. (at his home, Pierce goes to his kitchen to get a drink when he sees the Winter Soldier sat behind behind him with his gun on the table when his housekeeper calls out) [Renata] I'm going to go, Mr. Pierce. You need anything before I leave? [Alexander Pierce] No. Uh...it's fine, Renata, you can go home. [Renata] Okay, night-night. [Alexander Pierce] Good night. (Renata leaves) Want some milk? (the Winter Soldier doesn't reply) The timetable has moved. Our window is limited. Two targets, Level Six. (he pours himself a glass of milk and goes over to join the Winter Soldier at the table) They already cost me Zola. I want confirmed death in ten hours. (just then Renata interrupts them as she enters the kitchen) [Renata] Sorry, Mr. Pierce, I...I forgot my phone. (she notices the Winter Soldier) [Alexander Pierce] Oh, Renata. I wish you would have knocked. (Pierce picks up the gun from the table and shoots and kills her) (returning home from his morning run Sam hears a knock at his door, he opens the door to see Steve and Natasha) [Sam Wilson] Hey, man. [Steve Rogers] I'm sorry about this. We need a place to lay low. [Natasha Romanoff] Everyone we know is trying to kill us. (Sam pauses a moment before replying) [Sam Wilson] Not everyone. (Sam let's them enter, later as Steve and Natasha are cleaning up, Steve notices Natasha looking sad and thoughtful) [Steve Rogers] You okay? [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah. [Steve Rogers] What's going on? [Natasha Romanoff] When I first joined SHIELD, I thought I was going straight. But I guess I just traded in the KGB for HYDRA. I thought I knew whose lies I was telling, but...I guess I can't tell the difference anymore. [Steve Rogers] There's a chance you might be in the wrong business. (Natasha smiles faintly) [Natasha Romanoff] I owe you. [Steve Rogers] It's okay. [Natasha Romanoff] If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it? [Steve Rogers] I would now. And I'm always honest. [Natasha Romanoff] Well, you seem pretty chipper for someone who just found out they died for nothing. [Steve Rogers] Well, I guess I just like to know who I'm fighting. [Sam Wilson] (to Steve and Natasha) I made breakfast. If you guys...eat that sort of thing. (later as they are sat in Sam's kitchen) [Natasha Romanoff] So, the question is: who in SHIELD could launch a domestic missile strike? [Steve Rogers] Pierce. [Natasha Romanoff] Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world. [Steve Rogers] But he's not working alone, Zola's algorithm was on the Lemurian Star. [Natasha Romanoff] So was Jasper Sitwell. [Steve Rogers] So, the real question is: how do the two most wanted people in Washington kidnap a SHIELD officer in broad daylight? [Sam Wilson] The answer is: you don't. (Sam drops a file in front of Steve) [Steve Rogers] What's this? [Sam Wilson] Call it a resume. (Natasha picks up a photo of Sam with his para-rescue team) [Natasha Romanoff] Is this Bakhmala? The Khalid Khandil mission, that was you. (to Steve) You didn't say he was a para-rescue. (looking at the photo of Sam with his colleague) [Steve Rogers] Is this Riley? [Sam Wilson] Yeah. [Natasha Romanoff] I heard they couldn't bring in the choppers because of the RPGs. What did you use, a stealth chute? [Sam Wilson] No. These. (he hands Steve the file, Steve opens it and reads it) [Steve Rogers] I thought you said you were a pilot. [Sam Wilson] I never said pilot. [Steve Rogers] I can't ask you to do this, Sam. You got out for a good reason. [Sam Wilson] Dude, Captain America needs my help. There's no better reason to get back in. [Steve Rogers] Where can we get our hands on one of these things? [Sam Wilson] The last one is at Fort Meade, behind three guarded gates and a twelve-inch steel wall. (Steve looks at Natasha who shrugs her shoulders) [Steve Rogers] Shouldn't be a problem. (Steve throws down the file on the table and we see that it's a classified military project called Falcon) (after their meeting is over Sitwell walks out of the building with Senator Stern) [Senator Stern] Listen, I gotta fly home tonight, cause uh...I got some constituency problem, and I gotta press the flesh. [Jasper Sitwell] Any constituent in particular, Mr. Senator? [Senator Stern] Uh...no, not really. Twenty-three, kind of hot. Real hot. You know, wants to be a reporter, I think. I don't know, who listens at that point? [Jasper Sitwell] Doesn't sound much of a problem to me. [Senator Stern] Really? Cause she's killing my back. Look, this isn't the place to talk about it. (he touches Sitwell's pin on his jacket) This is a nice pin. [Jasper Sitwell] Thank you. [Senator Stern] Come here. (they embrace and as they do Stern whispers to Sitwell) Hail, HYDRA. (as Stern steps away he touches his back) See, it's right there... [Jasper Sitwell] I just saw that, yeah. [Senator Stern] Should I get it checked? [Jasper Sitwell] I think you should. (Stern walks away) (Sitwell gets a call from Pierce, Sitwell turns to his men) I need a minute. Bring the car around. (his men leave and Sitwell answers the phone) Yes, sir? [Sam Wilson] Agent Sitwell, how was lunch? I hear the crab cakes here are delicious. [Jasper Sitwell] Who is this? [Sam Wilson] The good looking guy in the sunglasses, your ten o'clock. (Sitwell looks around but doesn't see him) Your other ten o'clock. (Sitwell turns the other way and sees Sam sitting a few feet away from him) There you go. [Jasper Sitwell] What do you want? [Sam Wilson] You're gonna go around the corner, to your right. There's a grey car, two spaces down. You and I are gonna take a ride. [Jasper Sitwell] And why would I do that? [Sam Wilson] Because that tie looks really expensive, and I'd hate to mess it up. (Sitwell looks down at his tie and sees a small red light from the gun being pointed at him) (Steve throws Sitwell across a rooftop, Natasha follows behind him) [Steve Rogers] Tell me about Zola's algorithm. [Jasper Sitwell] Never heard of it. [Steve Rogers] What were you doing on the Lemurian Star? [Jasper Sitwell] I was throwing up, I get seasick. (Steve forces Sitwell to the edge of the rooftop, Sitwell just smiles) Is this little display meant to insinuate that you're gonna throw me off the roof? Because it's really not your style, Rogers. [Steve Rogers] You're right. It's not. It's hers. (Steve steps aside and Natasha kicks Sitwell off the roof, he plummets down screaming) [Natasha Romanoff] Oh, wait. What about that girl from accounting, Laura...? [Steve Rogers] Lillian. Lip piercing, right? [Natasha Romanoff] Yeah, she's cute. [Steve Rogers] Yeah, I'm not ready for that. (suddenly, Sam, in his Falcon jet-pack suit with wings, flies up holding Sitwell and throws him down on the roof) (Steve and Natasha walk towards Sitwell, he holds his hand up in fear) [Jasper Sitwell] Zola's algorithm is a program...for choosing Insight's targets! [Steve Rogers] What targets? [Jasper Sitwell] You! A TV anchor in Cairo, the Undersecretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa city. Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, anyone who's a threat to HYDRA! Now, or in the future. [Steve Rogers] The Future? How could it know? (Sitwell laughs) [Jasper Sitwell] How could it not? The 21st century is a digital book. Zola taught HYDRA how to read it. (Steve and Natasha look at him in confusion) Your bank records, medical histories, voting patterns, e-mails, phone calls, your damn SAT scores. Zola's algorithm evaluates people's past to predict their future. [Steve Rogers] And what then? [Jasper Sitwell] Oh, my God. Pierce is gonna kill me. [Steve Rogers] What then?! [Jasper Sitwell] Then the Insight Helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time. [Jasper Sitwell] (as Sam drives them to Triskelion) HYDRA doesn't like leaks. [Sam Wilson] So why don't you try sticking a cork in it. [Natasha Romanoff] Insight's launching in sixteen hours, we're cutting it a little bit close here. [Steve Rogers] I know. We'll use him to bypass the DNA scans and access the Helicarriers directly. [Jasper Sitwell] What?! Are you crazy? That is a terrible, terrible idea. (suddenly the Winter Soldier lands on the car roof, pulls Sitwell out through the window and throws him into the oncoming traffic, killing him, he then starts shooting at them until Steve pulls the break handle making the Winter Soldier drop down onto the street, as another car smashes into the trio's car and pushes them along, the Winter Soldier jumps back onto their car, smashes through the windscreen and pulls out the steering wheel) [Sam Wilson] Shit! (Natasha starts shooting at him but the Winter Soldier jumps onto the vehicle behind them, as the trio's car is being pulled off the road Steve holds on to the car door) [Steve Rogers] Hang on! (he breaks open the door, holding onto Natasha and Sam, they slide on the car door through the streets) (the Winter Soldier is joined by HYDRA agents and they start shooting at them, the trio scatter and run off in different directions with the Winter Soldier shooting at Natasha but she manages to shoot him in his eye goggle mask and run off) [Winter Soldier] Она у меня. Найди его. (She's mine. ((subtitled as:) I'll take care of her.) Find him.) (the Winter Soldier goes in pursuit of Natasha as the Hydra agents go after Steve and Sam who both manage to fend them off as they shoot at them, Steve then notices the Winter Soldier in pursuit of Natasha) [Sam Wilson] Go, I got this! (the Winter Soldier thinks he's found Natasha hiding behind a car as he can hear her voice) [Natasha Romanoff] I make an LZ, twenty-three hundred block of Virginia Avenue. Rendezvous two minutes. Taking fire above and below expressway. Civilians threatened. Repeat, civilians threatened. (he rolls a bomb towards where he thinks she's hiding. As the bomb rolls behind the car we see that Natasha isn't actually there but a recording over her voice is being played back on a phone) I make an LZ, twenty-three hundred block at Virginia Avenue. Rendezvous two minutes. (as the bomb explodes Natasha jumps onto the Winter Soldiers back and tries to kill him but he throws her off, she starts running off as he goes after her) [Natasha Romanoff] (to the civilians as she tries to get away from the Winter Soldier) Get out of the way! Stay out of the way! (suddenly she gets shot in the shoulder, she falls and looks around her, as the Winter Soldier comes up from behind to shoot her Steve jumps in and attacks him, they fight and in the process the Winter Soldier takes Steve's shield and throws it at him but Steve manages to avoid being hit, after battling it out more the Winter Soldier's mask comes off, as he looks around at Steve we learn the true identity of the Winter Soldier; Bucky Barnes) [Steve Rogers] Bucky? [Bucky Barnes] Who the hell is Bucky? (as Bucky goes to shoot at Steve Sam flies in and kicks Bucky aside, Bucky takes aim again but before he can shoot Natasha uses the grenade launcher Bucky dropped earlier to shoot at Bucky who vanishes in the smoke of the explosion, then the trio hear sirens after which they are surrounded by HYDRA agents being led by Rumlow) [Brock Rumlow] Drop the shield, Cap! On your knees! Get on your knees! Now! Get down! Get down! (Steve holds his hands up) Get on your knees! Down! (he kicks Steve's leg and Steve kneels down) Don't move. (Rumlow looks at the helicopter flying above them and warns Rollins who's holding Steve at gunpoint) Put the gun down. Not here. Not here! (Rollins lowers his gun, the HYDRA agents then take Steve, Sam, and Natasha into custody) (as the trio is being escorted in a van) [Steve Rogers] It was him. He looked right at me like he didn't even know me. [Sam Wilson] How's that even possible? It was like seventy years ago. [Steve Rogers] Zola. Bucky's whole unit was captured in '43, Zola experimented on him. Whatever he did helped Bucky survive the fall. They must have found him and... [Natasha Romanoff] None of that's your fault, Steve. [Steve Rogers] Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky. (Sam notices Natasha is bleeding from her shoulder and looks at the guards) [Sam Wilson] We need to get a doctor here. We don't put pressure on that wound she's gonna bleed out here in the truck. (suddenly one of the guards pulls out an electric rod and neutralizes the other guard and knocks him out, the guard is revealed to be Hill as she takes off her helmet) [Maria Hill] Ah. That thing was squeezing my brain. (Sam looks at her in confusion; to Steve) Who's this guy? (Rumlow's crew stop their vehicles and get out) [Brock Rumlow] Three holes. Start digging. (they go over to the van holding Steve, Sam and Natasha and as they open the door they find it empty with one of the guards left unconscious and massive burnt whole on the car floor) (Hill has taken the trio to a secret facility, a man runs towards them; referring to Natasha's wound) [Maria Hill] GSW. She's lost at least a pint. [Sam Wilson] Maybe two. [Doctor] Let me take her. [Maria Hill] She'll want to see him first. (Hill takes them to Fury who's alive and lying in bed, the trio look at him in shock) [Nick Fury] About damn time. (later as Natasha's wound is being treated) Lacerated spinal column, cracked sternum, shattered collarbone, perforated liver, one hell of a headache. [Doctor] Don't forget your collapsed lung. [Nick Fury] Oh, let's not forget that. Otherwise, I'm good. [Natasha Romanoff] They cut you open, your heart stopped. [Nick Fury] Tetrodotoxin B. Slows the pulse to one beat a minute. Banner developed it for stress. Didn't work so great for him, but we found a use for it. [Steve Rogers] Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us? [Maria Hill] Any attempt on the director's life had to look successful. [Nick Fury] Can't kill you if you're already dead. Besides, I wasn't sure who to trust. (inside a bank vault, the HYDRA agents fix Bucky's metal arm and as they do so he has a brief flashback to his old life after he was recovered by Zola and the HYDRA agents) [Dr. Arnim Zola] Sergeant Barnes... (he has to flashback to falling off the train at the edge of the mountain with Steve trying to save him) [Steve Rogers] Bucky, no! (he then has flashback to after he's picked up by Hydra agents) [Dr. Arnim Zola] The procedure has already started. (we see the Zola and the Hydra agent amputating his left arm and replacing with the metal arm) You are to be the new fist of HYDRA. (to his men) Put him on ice. (we see Bucky being frozen after which he comes back to the present and knocks over the HYDRA agent fixing his arm, Rollins points his gun at him to stop him attacking any further) (as Pierce enters the bank vault Bucky is being held in) [Scientist #1] Sir, he's...he's unstable. Erratic. (Pierce enters with Rumlow and some other HYDRA agents and goes over to Bucky) [Alexander Pierce] Mission report. (Bucky; looking blank, doesn't respond) Mission report, now. (Pierce moves closer to Bucky and suddenly strikes him hard in the face) [Bucky Barnes] The man on the bridge... (he has flashback to Steve calling him by his name) Who was he? [Alexander Pierce] You met him earlier this week on another assignment. [Bucky Barnes] I knew him. (Pierce sits in front of Bucky) [Alexander Pierce] Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century, and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're gonna give it a push. But, if you don't do your part, I can't do mine, and HYDRA can't give the world the freedom it deserves. [Bucky Barnes] But I knew him. (Pierce turns to the scientists) [Alexander Pierce] Prep him. [Scientist #1] He's been out of cryo-freeze too long. [Alexander Pierce] Then wipe him and start over. (the scientists strap Bucky in his chair and then place a teeth shield in his mouth as they begin the process of wiping his brain with Bucky screaming in pain) (back at the secret facility) [Nick Fury] (looking at a photo of Pierce) This man declined the Nobel Peace Prize. He said, "Peace wasn't an achievement, it was a responsibility." See, it's stuff like this that gives me trust issues. [Natasha Romanoff] We have to stop the launch. [Nick Fury] I don't think the Council's accepting my calls anymore. (Fury opens a case containing three chips) [Sam Wilson] What's that? [Maria Hill] Once the Helicarriers reach three thousand feet, they'll triangulate with Insight satellites becoming fully weaponized. [Nick Fury] We need to breach those carriers and replace their targeting blades with our own. [Maria Hill] One or two won't cut it. We need to link all three carriers for this to work, because if even one of those ships remains operational a whole lot of people are gonna die. [Nick Fury] We have to assume everyone aboard those carriers is HYDRA. We need to get pass them, insert the server blades, and maybe, just maybe, we can salvage what's left... [Steve Rogers] We're not salvaging anything. We're not just taking down the carriers, Nick, we're taking down SHIELD. [Nick Fury] SHIELD had nothing to do with it. [Steve Rogers] You gave me this mission, this is how it ends. SHIELD's been compromised, you said so yourself. HYDRA grew right under your nose and nobody noticed. [Nick Fury] Why do you think we're meeting in this cave? I noticed. [Steve Rogers] And how many paid the price before you did? [Nick Fury] Look, I didn't know about Barnes. [Steve Rogers] Even if you have, would you have told me? Or would you have compartmentalized that too? SHIELD, HYDRA, it all goes. [Maria Hill] He's right. (Fury looks at Natasha then Sam) [Sam Wilson] Don't look at me. I do what he does, just slower. [Nick Fury] Well... Looks like you're giving the orders now, Captain. (Steve stands on a bridge and has a flashback to the time he spent with Bucky after Steve's mother's funeral) [Bucky Barnes] We looked for you after. My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery. (they walk towards Steve's apartment) [Steve Rogers] I know, I'm sorry. I just...kind of wanted to be alone. [Bucky Barnes] How was it? [Steve Rogers] It was okay. She's next to Dad. [Bucky Barnes] I was gonna ask... [Steve Rogers] I know what you're gonna say, Buck, I just... [Bucky Barnes] We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be fun. All you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash. (as they get to the apartment door, Steve tries to find his keys, Bucky kicks a brick aside, picks up the apartment keys from under it and gives it to Steve) Come on. [Steve Rogers] Thank you, Buck, but I can get by on my own. [Bucky Barnes] The thing is, you don't have to. (Bucky gives Steve a friendly pat on the shoulder) I'm with you to the end of the line, pal. (Steve's thoughts of Bucky are interrupted as Sam joins him on the bridge) [Sam Wilson] He's gonna be there, you know? [Steve Rogers] I know. [Sam Wilson] Look, whoever he used to be, the guy he is now, I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop. [Steve Rogers] I don't know if I can do that. [Sam Wilson] Well, he might not give you a choice. He doesn't know you. [Steve Rogers] He will. Gear up, it's time. (Steve turns and starts to walk off) [Sam Wilson] You gonna wear that? [Steve Rogers] No. If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform. (later as a guard walks in the Smithsonian Museum when he looks over to the Captain America exhibit he notices the Captain America WWII uniform on that was on the dummy has been stolen) [Smithsonian Guard] Oh, man. I am so fired! (at the Triskelion where the Helicarriers are being held) [Man on PA] We are in final launch sequence. [SHIELD Tech] We are go on guidance. [Woman on PA] All personnel to launch station. (Pierce meets the World Security Council as they arrive at the Triskelion) [Alexander Pierce] And how was your flight? [Councilman Hawley] Lovely. The ride from the airport less so. [Alexander Pierce] Sadly, SHIELD can't control everything. [Councilman Rockwell] Including Captain America. (Pierce walks over to one of the guards who hands him a case containing four pins) [Alexander Pierce] This facility is biometrically controlled, and these will give you unrestricted access. (the council members each take a pin to wear) (at the Project Insight headquarters) [Com Tech #1] I've been parking there for two months. [Com Tech #2] But it's his spot. [Com Tech #1] So where's he been? [Com Tech #2] I think Afghanistan. [Com Tech #1] (into his earpiece) Negative, DT-6. The pattern is full. (to his colleague) Well, he could have said something. (suddenly they hear a sharp noise through their earpiece) Ow! [Com Tech #2] Must be the dish. [Com Tech #1] I'll check it out. [Man on PA] Triskelion command request we clear the area for launch. (as the Tech goes and opens the door he's faced with Steve, Sam and Hill on the other side of the door, Sam and Hill point their guns at him) [Steve Rogers] Excuse us. (the tech holds his hands up and steps aside to let them enter) [Alexander Pierce] (addressing the World Security Council members) I know the road hasn't exactly been smooth, and some of you would have gladly kicked me out of the car along the way. Finally we're here, and the world should be grateful. (as they start drinking to Pierce's toast suddenly they hear Steve over the SHIELD microphone that everyone in the building can hear) [Steve Rogers] Attention, all SHIELD agents. This is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the last few days, some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time you know the truth. SHIELD is not what we thought it was, it's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The STRIKE and Insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want: absolute control. They shot Nick Fury and it won't end there. If you launch those Helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way, unless we stop them. I know I'm asking a lot, but the price of freedom is high, it always has been, and it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet I'm not. (as Steve finishes his speech) [Sam Wilson] Did you write that down first, or was it off the top of your head? (to Pierce after learning the truth about him) [Councilman Rockwell] You smug son of a bitch. [Councilman Singh] (to the two HYDRA agents enter the room, thinking they are SHIELD agents) Arrest him. (the HYDRA agent points his gun at Singh) [Alexander Pierce] I guess I've got the floor. (Rumlow and his men break into the control room, where Agent 13 also is, Rumlow walks over to one of the techs) [Brock Rumlow] Preempt the launch sequence. Send those ships up now. (The tech hesitates visibly.) Is there a problem? [SHIELD Tech] I'm... (the tech shakes his head nervously) [Brock Rumlow] Is there a problem? [SHIELD Tech] I'm sorry, sir. (the tech takes a few nervous breaths before replying) I'm not gonna launch those ships. Captain's orders. (Rumlow points his gun at the tech's head) [Brock Rumlow] Move away from your station. (Agent 13 walks over to Rumlow pointing her gun at him) [Sharon Carter] Like he said! (suddenly all the SHIELD agents draw their weapons and point them at Rumlow) Captain's orders. [Brock Rumlow] You picked the wrong side, Agent. [Sharon Carter] Depends on where you're standing. (Rumlow drops his gun, but as he does he grabs his knife and cuts Agent 13's arm, leading to the SHIELD agents firing their guns, amidst the bullets, Rumlow manages to release the Helicarriers and runs off) (as the bay doors holding the Helicarriers are about to be opened) [SHIELD Agent] Close the bay door! Close the bay door now! Close the bay door! (the HYDRA agents enter and start shooting and killing the crew and techs; at the headquarters Hill watches on the monitor as the Helicarriers are being initiated) [Maria Hill] They're initiating launch. (Steve and Sam make their way to the Helicarriers) [Sam Wilson] Hey, Cap, how do we know the good guys from the bad guys? [Steve Rogers] If they're shooting at you, they're bad. (Sam, in his Falcon suit, flies off and Steve heads down, the HYDRA agents starting shooting at them, Sam flies around avoiding getting shot) [Sam Wilson] Hey, Cap, I found those bad guys you were talking about. [Steve Rogers] You okay? [Sam Wilson] (flying off as the HYDRA agents continue to shoot at him) I'm not dead yet. (Pierce watches from the window the commotion caused by Steve and Sam trying to stop the Helicarriers launching, he turns to Singh) [Alexander Pierce] Let me ask you a question. What if Pakistan marched into Mumbai tomorrow, and you knew that they were gonna drag your daughters into a soccer stadium for execution? (Pierce hands Singh a glass of champagne) And you could just stop it with a flick of the switch. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you all? [Councilman Singh] Not if it was your switch. (Singh tosses the glass aside, one of the HYDRA agents hands Pierce his gun and Pierce points it at Singh, suddenly Hawley kicks Singh away, then takes down the other HYDRA agents in the room before taking the gun and pointing at Pierce, she then removes her disguise to reveal it's Natasha) [Natasha Romanoff] I'm sorry. Did I step on your moment? [Charlie Weapons Tech] (referring to the Helicarriers) Satellites in range at three thousand feet. [Maria Hill] Falcon, status? [Sam Wilson] Engaging. (Sam manages to fly down to the Hellicarrier bay taking down the HYDRA jets chasing him) Alright, Cap, I'm in. (just then another HYDRA jets heads his way and starts shooting at him) Shit! (Sam manages to fly off and avoid getting hit, meanwhile Steve is fighting off the HYDRA agents as he tries to get inside the Helicarrier) [Maria Hill] Eight minutes, Cap. [Steve Rogers] Working on it. [Councilman Rockwell] (to Natasha who is on the computer) What are you doing? [Alexander Pierce] She's disabling security protocols and dumping all the secrets onto the Internet. [Natasha Romanoff] Including HYDRA's. [Alexander Pierce] And SHIELD's. If you do this, non of your past is gonna remain hidden. (Natasha continues typing into the computer) Are you sure you're ready for the world to see you as you really are? [Natasha Romanoff] Are you? (Control center of Helicarrier Alpha) [Steve Rogers] Alpha locked. [Maria Hill] Falcon, where are you now? [Sam Wilson] I had to take a detour! (Sam is flying towards one of the Helicarriers when heat-seeking missiles are shot at him by HYDRA, so he flies back towards the Helicarrier and manages to get the missiles that were aimed at him to hit the Helicarrier giving him entrance) Oh, yeah! (Sam flies into the Helicarrier; to Hill) I'm in. Bravo locked. (Sam flies out of the carrier) [Maria Hill] Two down, one to go. [SHIELD Pilot] All SHIELD pilots, scramble. We're the only air support Captain Rogers has got. (suddenly Bucky appears and starts firing at the SHIELD pilots and agents killing them all after which he gets into one of the jets and flies off; back inside the building with Natasha, Pierce and the council members) [Alexander Pierce] Disabling the encryption is an executive order, it takes two Alpha Level members. [Natasha Romanoff] Don't worry, company's coming. (just then a helicopter appears outside, lands and Fury steps out to enter the building to Pierce's surprise) [Alexander Pierce] Did you get my flowers? (Fury looks at him coldly) I'm glad you're here, Nick. [Nick Fury] Really? Cause I thought you had me killed. [Alexander Pierce] You know how the game works. [Nick Fury] So why make me head of SHIELD? [Alexander Pierce] Cause you were the best and the most ruthless person I ever met. [Nick Fury] I did what I did to protect people. [Alexander Pierce] Our enemies are your enemies, Nick. Disorder, war. It's just a matter of time before a dirty bomb goes off in Moscow, or an EMP fries Chicago. Diplomacy? Holding action, a band-aid. And you know where I learned that; Bogota. You didn't ask, you just did what had to be done. I can bring order to the lives of seven billion people by sacrificing twenty million. It's the next step, Nick, if you have the courage to take it. [Nick Fury] No, I have the courage not to. (Fury takes Pierce to the retinal scanner with Natasha pointing her gun at him) [SHIELD Computer] Retinal scanner active. [Alexander Pierce] You don't you think we wiped your clearance from the system? [Nick Fury] I know you erased my password, probably deleted my retinal scan, but if you want to stay ahead of me, Mr. Secretary... (Fury removes his eyepatch to reveal his scarred dead eye) You need to keep both eyes open. (they both look into the retinal scanner with Fury using his dead eye) [SHIELD Computer] Alpha Level confirmed. Encryption code accepted. Safeguards removed. (back with Hill at the headquarters) [Maria Hill] Charlie Carrier's forty-five degrees off the port bow. (she notices two HYDRA agents making breaking into the headquarters, she shoots and kills them as they enter) Six minutes. (Steve is trying to get away from the HYDRA agents shooting at him on the Helicarrier) [Steve Rogers] Hey, Sam, I'm gonna need a ride. [Sam Wilson] Roger! Let me know when you're ready. (Steve just manages to jump off the edge as a HYDRA agent shoots a missile at him) [Steve Rogers] I just did! (Sam flies in just in time to catch Steve) (Sam flies himself and Steve onto the last Helicarrier) [Sam Wilson] You know, you're a lot heavier than you look. [Steve Rogers] I had a big breakfast. (suddenly Bucky appears and pushes Steve off the edge) [Sam Wilson] Steve! (as Sam goes to fly off and help Steve Bucky grabs one of his wings and throws him back, Sam starts shooting at Bucky and as he goes to fly off Bucky uses his weapon to rip off one of Sam's wings and kicks him off the Helicarrier, Sam manages to get his parachute out and lands on the roof of the Triskelion) Cap? Cap, come in. Are you okay? (we see Steve is holding onto the side of the Helicarrier) [Steve Rogers] Yeah, I'm here! I'm still on the Helicarrier. (he pulls himself up) Where are you? [Sam Wilson] I'm grounded, the suit's down. Sorry, Cap. [Steve Rogers] Don't worry, I got it. (Bucky watches Steve from above the Helicarrier) (as everyone at the Triskelion is rushing around trying to evacuate the building Rumlow fights and kills some SHIELD agents) [SHIELD Agent] All SHIELD agents regroup at Rally Point Delta. (Romlow kills the speaker and another three agents.) [HYDRA Dispatch] (on radio) Sir, Council's been breached. [Brock Rumlow] Repeat, dispatch. [HYDRA Dispatch] Black Widow's up there. [Brock Rumlow] Headed up! (Hill notices Rumlow on the monitor) [Maria Hill] Falcon? [Sam Wilson] Yeah? [Maria Hill] Rumlow's headed for the Council. [Sam Wilson] I'm on it. (inside the Helicarrier Steve is confronted by Bucky) [Steve Rogers] People are gonna die, Buck. I can't let that happen. (Bucky stares at him coldly) Please, don't make me do this. (seeing Bucky won't back down Steve throws his shield at him and they start battling each other, as they fight Steve manages to bring up the targeting blade system, but as Bucky attacks him the chip falls from Steve's hand; back at the Council) [Natasha Romanoff] Done. (she looks at her mobile device) And it's trending. (just then Pierce sets off the pins he gave the council members, causing it to burn deeply into their sternum, Natasha and Fury points their guns at Pierce; to Natasha) [Alexander Pierce] Unless you want two inch hole in your sternum, I'd put that gun down. (Natasha doesn't back down) That was armed the moment you pinned it on. (Fury and Natasha reluctantly lower their weapons) (back at the Helicarrier as they are battling it out, Bucky stabs Steve in the shoulder with his knife and then grabs the fallen chip, but Steve manages to get the knife out, grab Bucky by the throat and throws him down, armlocks him.) [Steve Rogers] Drop it! Drop it! (as Bucky continues to hold the chip, Steve breaks his arm and holds onto his throat until he passes out and lets go of the chip, Steve then grabs the chip and rushes off; back at the Triskelion) (An office in the SHIELD HQ) [Brock Rumlow] I'm on forty-one, headed towards the south-west stairwell. (just then Sam attacks Rumlow but Rumlow manages to knock Sam down) This is gonna hurt. There are no prisoners with HYDRA, just order. And order only comes through pain. You ready for yours? [Sam Wilson] Man, shut the hell up. (they both go to attack each other) [Alexander Pierce] Lieutenant, how much longer? [Charlie XO] (on radio) Sixty-five seconds to satellite link. Targeting grid engaged. Lowering weapons array now. [Maria Hill] (to Steve as she watches from the monitor) One minute. (Steve desperately tries to get back up to the Helicarriers to get to the targeting system when Bucky becomes conscious and shoots at Steve in the left thigh and then the right shoulder, but Steve still manages to climb up) Thirty seconds, Cap! [Steve Rogers] Stand by. (he gets the chip out) Charlie... (Bucky shoots Steve in the stomach and he falls) (On the helicarrier's bridge) [Charlie Weapons Tech] We've reached three thousand feet. Sat link coming online now. [Charlie XO] Deploy algorithm. [Charlie Weapons Tech] Algorithm deployed. [Alexander Pierce] (on radio) We are go to targets. (Hill watches as the weapons are being targeted at Washington, the White house, the Pentagon, Stark Tower, aiming to kill over 700,00 people.) [Charlie Weapons Tech] Target saturation reached. All targets assigned. [Charlie XO] Fire when ready. [Charlie Weapons Tech] Firing in, three, two, one. (at that moment Steve manages to get up and place the chip in the Helicarrier's targeting blade overriding the system and locking it down) [Steve Rogers] Charlie locked. (as they watch the targets go offline) [Charlie XO] Where are the targets? Where are the targets? [Maria Hill] Okay, Cap, get out of there. (Hill then gets the Helicarriers weapon targets to open fire upon each other) [Steve Rogers] Fire now. [Maria Hill] But, Steve... [Steve Rogers] Do it! Do it now! (reluctantly Hill makes the Helicarriers open fire on each other, Steve still inside the Helicarrier looks at Bucky below him; back at the Triskelion Pierce watches the Helicarriers as they are firing at each other) [Alexander Pierce] What a waste. [Natasha Romanoff] Are you still on the fence about Rogers' chances? [Alexander Pierce] Time to go, Councilwoman. This way, come on. You're gonna fly me out of here. (as Pierce starts to leave with Natasha) [Nick Fury] You know, there was a time I would have taken a bullet for you. [Alexander Pierce] You already did. You will again when it's useful. (just then Natasha activates a small disc that emits an electric shock through her whole body and disables the pin, this gives Fury a chance to shoot Pierce, which he does so twice, Fury then walks over to Natasha who is lying unconscious on the floor) [Nick Fury] Romanoff! Natasha! Natasha, come on! (Natasha opens her eyes) [Natasha Romanoff] Ow. Those really do sting. [Alexander Pierce] (as the Helicarriers continue to destroy each other Pierce lies on the floor and says with his last dieing breath) Hail HYDRA. (just then one Helicarrier crashes into a dam beneath the Triskelion) (as the Helicarrier continues to fall with Cap and Winter Soldier inside, at the Triskelion Sam and Rumlow continue to fight each other) [Brock Rumlow] You're out of your depth, kid. (suddenly the first Helicarrier crashes into the Triskelion, catching Rumlow in the destruction) [Sam Wilson] (to Natasha who is in the helicopter as he sprints away) Please, tell me you got that chopper in the air! [Natasha Romanoff] Sam, where are you? [Sam Wilson] 41st floor, north-west corner! [Natasha Romanoff] We're on it, stay where you are. (Sam desperately tries to get away from the destruction the Helicarrier is causing to the building) Not an option! (as the building is being destroyed Sam jumps out of the window as Natasha and Fury fly their chopper barely in time to catch him) [Sam Wilson] 41st floor! 41st! [Nick Fury] It's not like they put the floor numbers on the outside of the building! [Natasha Romanoff] Hill, where's Steve? You got a location on Rogers? (inside the third Helicarrier we see Steve help Bucky out from being trapped under some fallen rubble) [Steve Rogers] You know me. (Bucky lashes out at Steve in anger) [Bucky Barnes] No, I don't! [Steve Rogers] Bucky, you've known me your whole life. (Bucky hits Steve but Steve chooses not to fight back) Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. (Bucky hits Steve again) [Bucky Barnes] Shut up! (Steve takes off his mask and drops his shield out of the Helicarrier) [Steve Rogers] I'm not gonna fight you. You're my friend. (Bucky pushes Steve to the ground) [Bucky Barnes] You're my mission. (he then mercilessly punches Steve repeatedly across the face) You're my mission! [Steve Rogers] Then finish it. (Bucky hesitates holding his fist up) Cause I'm with you to the end of the line. (Bucky looks at Steve as if he's starting to remember just then the bottom of the Helicarrier falls sending Steve down into the river below as Bucky watches from the Helicarrier, then we see an unconscious Steve being pulled out of the water and dragged onto the shore by Bucky before he turns and walks away) (In a hospital, in a room guarded by two armed agents, we see Steve waking up in a bed to hear Marvin Gaye's "Trouble Man" playing with Sam sat next to his bed) [Steve Rogers] On your left. (Sam looks at Steve and smiles) (we then see Agent 13 practicing shooting at a shooting range wearing a CIA t-shirt; we see Hill at Stark Industries about to undergo a lie detector test; then Senator Stern getting arrested and then a badly burnt Rumlow being treated by doctors at the hospital; Natasha is then being sworn in at a committee hearing) [Bailiff] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? [Natasha Romanoff] I do. [Committee General] Why haven't we yet heard from Captain Rogers? [Natasha Romanoff] I don't know what there is left left for him to say. I think the wreck in the middle of the Potomac made his point fairly eloquently. [Committee General] Well, he could explain how this country's expected to maintain its national security now that he and you have laid waste to our intelligence apparatus. [Natasha Romanoff] HYDRA was selling you lies, not intelligence. [Committee General] Many of which you seem to have had a personal hand in telling. [Scudder] Agent, you should know that there are some on this committee who feel, given your service record, both for this country and against it, that you belong in a penitentiary, not mouthing off on Capitol Hill. [Natasha Romanoff] You're not gonna put me in a prison. You're not gonna put any of us in a prison. You know why? [Scudder] Do enlighten us. [Natasha Romanoff] Because you need us. Yes, the world is a vulnerable place, and yes, we helped make it that way. But we're also the ones best qualified to defend it. So if you want to arrest me, arrest me. You'll know where to find me. (she gets up and walks away, meanwhile Fury gets rid of any trace of his existence, including his passports and eyepatch, burning them and his hiding place) [Nick Fury] (wearing sunglasses and hoodie, Fury meets Steve and Sam at a cemetery at his own grave) So, you've experienced this sort of thing before? [Steve Rogers] You get used to it. (we see Fury's gravestone which bears bears the epitaph "The path of the righteous man. Ezekiel 25:17") [Nick Fury] We've been data-mining HYDRA's files. Looks like a lot of rats didn't go down with the ship. I'm headed to Europe tonight, wanted to ask if you'd come. [Steve Rogers] There's something I gotta do first. [Nick Fury] How about you, Wilson? Could use a man with your abilities. [Sam Wilson] I'm more of a soldier than a spy. [Nick Fury] Alright then. (Sam and Steve shake Fury's hand) Anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here. (Fury looks to his gravestone and walks away, just then Natasha joins Steve and Sam) [Natasha Romanoff] You should be honored, that's about as close as he gets to saying thank you. [Steve Rogers] Not going with him? [Natasha Romanoff] No. [Steve Rogers] Not staying here? [Natasha Romanoff] I blew all my covers, I gotta go figure out a new one. [Steve Rogers] That might take a while. [Natasha Romanoff] I'm counting on it. That thing you asked for, I called in a few favors from Kiev. (she hands Steve a file titled "дело No 17" (file No 17)) Will you do me a favor? Call that nurse. [Steve Rogers] She's not a nurse. [Natasha Romanoff] And you're not a SHIELD agent. [Steve Rogers] What was her name again? [Natasha Romanoff] Sharon. She's nice. (she kisses Steve on the cheek and turns to walk away) Be careful, Steve. You might not want to pull on that thread. (as Natasha walks away Steve opens the file, which is about Bucky and the information regarding his Winter Soldier transformation, Sam walks over to Steve) [Sam Wilson] You're going after him? [Steve Rogers] You don't have to come with me. [Sam Wilson] I know. When do we start? (mid-credits scene; at an underground HYDRA lab Baron Wolfgang von Strucker is talking with a HYDRA scientist) [List] It's over. Fury has released everything to the public. [Baron Wolfgang von Strucker] Everything he knows about. [List] Herr Strucker, if they get word of our work here, if they find out we serve HYDRA... [Baron Wolfgang von Strucker] HYDRA, SHIELD, two sides of a coin that's no longer currency. (they walk over to the corner of the lab where Loki's scepter is being kept) What we have is worth more than any of them ever knew. We've only scratched the surface and already... (they start walking out of the lab) There are other facilities doing HYDRA's good work around the world. We'll feed them to Captain America and his colorful friends. Keep them off our scent. [List] What about the volunteers? [Baron Wolfgang von Strucker] The dead will be buried so deep their own ghosts won't be able to find them. [List] And the survivors? [Baron Wolfgang von Strucker] The twins. (we see the twins, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff, aka Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, being kept in glass cells each exhibiting their powers, Pietro having superhuman speed and Wanda having telekinetic powers) Sooner or later they will meet the twins. It's not a world of spies anymore, not even a world of heroes. This is the age of miracles, doctor. There's nothing more horrifying than a miracle. (The post-credits scene; at the Captain America exhibit in the Smithsonian Museum we see Bucky in civilian clothes staring pensively at the display about himself.) (End of "Captain America: The Winter Soldier".)

{"title": "Captain America: The Winter Soldier"}

marvel/pdunton

The Office - Pilot [Michael] All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library? [Jim] Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So... [Michael] So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper? [Jim] Actually, you called me in here, but yeah. [Michael] All right. Well, let me show you how it's done. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... So that's the way it's done. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam? [Pam] Well. I don't know. [Michael] If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. [Pam] What? [Michael] Any messages? [Pam] Uh, yeah. Just a fax. [Michael] Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate. [Pam] You haven't told me. [Michael] It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face. --------------------------------------- [Michael] People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum --------------------------------------- [Jim] My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Whassup! [Jim] Whassup! I still love that after seven years. [Michael] Whassup! [Dwight] Whassup! [Michael] Whass...up! [Dwight] Whassup. [Michael] What? [Jim] Nothing. [Michael] OK. All right. See you later. [Jim] All right. Take care. [Michael] Back to work. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Just before lunch. That would be great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? [Michael] Um... Me no get an agenda. [Jan] What? I'm sorry? [Michael] I didn't get any agenda. [Jan] Well, I faxed one over to you this morning. [Michael] Really? I didn't... Did we get a fax this morning? [Pam] Uh, yeah, the one... [Michael] Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it? [Pam] You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. [Michael] Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes. [Jan] Do you want to look at mine? [Michael] Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you. [Jan] OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch. [Michael] OK... [Jan] Michael, don't panic. [Michael] No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent. [Jan] No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided. [Michael] All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding! [Jan] I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. [Michael] OK. No problem. [Jan] This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing. [Michael] Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Question. How long do we have to... Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it? [Jan] Go ahead. [Michel] Packman. [Todd Packer] Hey, you big queen. [Michael] Oh, that's not appropriate. [Todd Packer] Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today? [Michael] Uh, I don't know what you mean. [Todd Packer] I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes? [Michael] Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person. [Jan] So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily. [Michael] No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Like that. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] So what does downsizing actually mean? [Stanley] Well... --------------------------------------- [Oscar] You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing. --------------------------------------- [Angela] I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me. [Kevin] Yeah, it'll be you. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I have an important question for you. [Jim] Yes? [Pam] Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday? [Jim] Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey. [Ryan] Hey. [Pam] This is Mr. Scott. [Michael] Guilty! Guilty as charged! [Ryan] Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today. [Michael] Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges. [Ryan] Yup. [Michael] Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good. [Pam] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing? [Dwight] What? [Jim] What are you doing? [Dwight] Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate. [Jim] It's not on your desk. [Dwight] It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation. [Dwight] You can't do that. [Jim] Why not? [Dwight] Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ. [Jim] We'll see. This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. [Dwight] Downsizing? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. --------------------------------------- [Pam] You just still have these messages from yesterday. [Michael] Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it. [Pam] What? [Michael] Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise. [Pam] Don't we all? [Michael] I'm sorry? [Pam] Nothing. [Michael] If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP. --------------------------------------- [Michael] People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight. [Dwight] I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. [Michael] Assistant to the Regional Manager. [Dwight] OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear? [Michael] I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody. [Oscar] Can't you just tell us. [Dwight] Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em? [Michael] You don't know what it is. [Dwight] OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted. [Michael] I don't need your permission. [Dwight] Go ahead. [Michael] Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here? [Michael] Not gonna happen. [Stanley] It could be out of your hands Michael. [Michael] It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that. [Stanley] Can you promise that? [Dwight] On his mother's grave. [Michael] No. [Phyllis] What? [Michael] Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it. [Stanley] It's just that we need to know. [Michael] I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then. [Pam] I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. [Man] Are you sure about that? [Michael] Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. [Dwight] Pam, information is power. [Stanley] You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you? [Michael] No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin. --------------------------------------- [Jim] If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp. [Ryan] What's up? Nice to meet you. [Michael] Introduce yourself. Be polite. [Dwight] Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. [Michael] Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything. [Dwight] Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand. [Michael] That's his profit. [Dwight] New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Damn it! Jim! [Michael] OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here? [Dwight] He put my stuff in Jell-O again. [Dwight] That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What is that? [Dwight] That is my stapler. [Michael] No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. [Dwight] OK you know what, you can be a witness. Can you reprimand him? [Jim] How do you know it was me? [Dwight] It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not? [Michael] Discipline. Kinky! All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop. [Dwight] Yeah. [Michael] And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O. [Jim] OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan. [Michael] Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round. [Ryan] You should've put him in custardy. [Michael] Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores. [Dwight] OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all. [Michael] Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink. [Pam] So when are we going out? [Jim] Tonight, hopefully. [Pam] OK. Yeah. [Roy] Hey, man. [Jim] What's going on? [Roy] Hey, baby. [Pam] Hey. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? [Roy] No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home. [Pam] OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes. [Jim] You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun. [Roy] It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going. [Jim] Yeah, yeah. [Jim] Um... What's in the bag? [Roy] Just tell her I'll talk to her later. [Jim] No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding? --------------------------------------- [Michael] So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff? [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK? [Ryan] All right. [Michael] Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to... [Pam] You got a fax. [Michael] Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first. [Pam] What? Why? [Michael] Why? Well, theft and stealing. [Pam] Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen? [Michael] Post-it Notes. [Pam] Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents? [Michael] 50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam. [Pam] Are you serious? [Michael] Yeah. I am. [Pam] I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me. [Michael] But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry. [Michael] You been X'd punk! Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you. [Pam] You're a jerk. [Michael] I don't know about that. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, "Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?" Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey. [Jim] How are things? [Pam] Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with... [Jim] Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache? [Pam] It's better, thanks. [Jim] Good. Good. [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] That's great [Pam] Is...? [Jim] Yeah? [Pam] Um... Are you... [Jim] Am I walking out? [Pam] Yes. [Jim] Yes, I... Do you want to... [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] Great. Let me just... [Jim] Oh, Roy. [Pam] Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. [Jim] Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. You know what, just come here.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e01", "title": "Pilot"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Diversity Day [Michael] Hey, uh, can I help you out in here? [Mr. Brown] Oh, I'm all set, thanks. [Michael] Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited. --------------------------------------- [Jim] That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second. [Jim] Do you really have to do that right now? [Dwight] Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually. [Jim] Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... Hello? Thanks, Dwight. [Dwight] Retaliation. Tit for tit. [Jim] That is not the expression. [Dwight] Well, it should be. --------------------------------------- [Jim] This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Solitaire? [Pam] Yeah, Freecell. [Jim] Six on seven. [Pam] I know. I saw that. [Jim] So then, why didn't you do it? [Pam] I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch. [Jim] Who doesn't love that? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? [Oscar] All right. [Michael] Did you have a good weekend going there? [Oscar] It was fine. [Michael] Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. Oh, hey! This is Oscar--- [Oscar] Martinez. [Michael] Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis! [Mr. Brown] Great. We're all set. [Michael] Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please? [Jim] Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please. [Michael] It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day. [Jim] You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that. --------------------------------------- [Mr. Brown] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great. [Michael] Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards! [Mr. Brown] Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance. [Michael] You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race. [Mr. Brown] Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind. [Michael] Exactly, were not... [Mr. Brown] That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance. [Michael] With tolerance. [Mr. Brown] No. With more ignorance. [Michael] Ignorance. [Mr. Brown] Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity. [Michael] Let's celebrate. [Mr. Brown] Right. OK. [Michael] Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right? [Mr. Brown] Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that... [Michael] You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go. [Dwight] I have two. White and Indian. [Mr. Brown] Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission? [Michael] Yes. [Mr. Brown] Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated. [Michael] OK. [Mr. Brown] Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out. [Dwight] A few of the ground rules? [Michael] Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him. [Dwight] OK, can we steer away from gay people? [Mr. Brown] Um... [Dwight] I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox. [Mr. Brown] Well, we only have an hour. [Dwight] I figured it would save time. [Michael] OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr... [Mr. Brown] Mr. Brown. [Michael] Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that. [Mr. Brown] Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black? --------------------------------------- [Mr. Brown] So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome. [Michael] I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off. [Mr. Brown] Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment. [Michael] OK, I will play guy listening. [Mr. Brown] Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember? [Kevin] I remember. [Mr. Brown] Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening. [Michael] OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess. [Michael] OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... I take care of my kid! [Mr. Brown] Wait a second. [Michael] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do! [Mr. Brown] Stop it! [Michael] What you want a cookie? --------------------------------------- [Mr. Brown] Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness. [Dwight] Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. [Mr. Brown] Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you? [Dwight] A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. [Mr. Brown] OK. [Dwight] A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged. [Mr. Brown] Ok, you're thinking of a superhero. [Dwight] We all have a hero in our heart. [Mr. Brown] Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge. [Michael] I don't think I can sign this. [Mr. Brown] I can't leave until you do. [Michael] Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this? [Mr. Brown] Michael, can I talk to you candidly? [Michael] Sure. --------------------------------------- [Mr. Brown] We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made. [Michael] Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit. [Mr. Brown] Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature. [Michael] OK, well I know. You told me that several times. [Mr. Brown] Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need. [Michael] OK. [Mr. Brown] Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed. [Michael] Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't. [Mr. Brown] Don't worry about dating. [Michael] I won't. [Mr. Brown] OK. Thank you. [Michael] Yeah, yeah. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." He's going to lose it when he reads that. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you. [Michael] "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears. --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good. [Toby] Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Michael] Get out. [Toby] I'm sorry. [Michael] No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim? [Jim] : Uh, is that it? [Michael] Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on. [Kevin] It was kind of hard to hear. [Michael] Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um... [Kelly] I have a customer meeting. [Michael] Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian. [Oscar] What part Native American? [Michael] Two fifteenths. [Oscar] Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense. [Michael] Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on. [Oscar] OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico. [Michael] Oh, yeah... [Oscar] And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. [Michael] Wow. [Oscar] My parents were Mexican. [Michael] Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right? [Oscar] Thank... Yeah... [Michael] Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive? [Oscar] Mexican isn't offensive. [Michael] Well, it has certain connotations. [Oscar] Like what? [Michael] Like... I don't... I don't know. [Oscar] What connotations, Michael? You meant something. [Michael] No. Now, remember that honesty... [Oscar] I'm just curious. [Michael] ...empathy, respect... Jim! Jim! [Jim] Hello? Hello? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh this is a good one. [Pam] Um, hi. How are you? [Stanley] Fine. How are you? [Pam] Great. [Michael] Push it. [Stanley] I admire your culture's success in America. [Pam] Thank you. [Michael] Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on. [Stanley] Who am I supposed to be? [Michael] No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that. [Dwight] Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me. [Dwight] Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan. [Pam] That's nice, Dwight. [Dwight] OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick. [Pam] OK, I like your food. [Dwight] Outback steakhouse. I'm Australian, mate! [Michael] Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real. [Pam] OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver. [Dwight] Oh, man, am I a woman? --------------------------------------- [Michael] You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court. --------------------------------------- [Jim] What are you watching? [Ryan] Chappelle's Show. [Jim] Really? [Ryan] I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space. [Jim] No way. I think she likes this stuff. [Ryan] Great. She's cute, huh? [Jim] Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but... [Ryan] Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch. [Jim] Oh, yeah. She's hot. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Hey. [Angela] Hey. [Kevin] You wanna go to the beach? [Angela] Sure. [Kevin] You wanna get high? [Angela] No. [Kevin] I think you do, mon. [Angela] Stop... [Michael] OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Kelly, how are you? [Kelly] I just had the longest meeting. [Michael] Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my... [Michael] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food. [Kevin] Maybe some spagh-etti. [Michael] Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai. [Stanley] It's collard greens. [Michael] What? [Stanley] It's collard greens. [Michael] That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Um... Hey. [Pam] Mmmm. [Jim] Hey. [Pam] Oh. [Jim] We can go. [Pam] Sorry. [Jim] That's fine. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Uh... Not a bad day.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e02", "title": "Diversity Day"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Health Care [Michael] Pam. Pamela. Pam-elama-ding-dong. Making copies. [Pam] I'm not making any copies. [Michael] Let's go. Messages. Stat. Lots to do, lots to do. Information superhighway. [Pam] Nothing new. [Michael] Lay them on me. What? [Pam] There's nothing new. [Michael] That's not what you said earlier. [Pam] Oh, do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the... --------------------------------------- [Michael] The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. I heal them. Today, I am in charge of picking a great new health care plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah, like a specialist. --------------------------------------- [Jan] So, which health plan have you decided on? [Michael] I am going to go with the best, Jan. I am going to go with the one with the acupuncture, therapeutic massage, you know, the works. [Jan] Wait, acupuncture? None of the plans have acupuncture. Have you looked at them closely Michael? [Michael] I think it was you who didn't look closely enough at the Gold Plan. [Jan] The Gold Plan? I'm not even on that plan. [Michael] Well, I'd recommend it. It's very good. [Jan] Michael. [Michael] You gotta crack these things open. [Jan] You know the whole reason that we're doing this, is to save money. So you just need to pick a provider and choose the cheapest plan. [Michael] Well, that is kind of a tough assignment. Um... It won't be popular decision around the old orifice. [Jan] It's your job. So... [Michael] Well, it's a suicide mission, you know. [Jan] Michael... maybe... I mean... [Michael] There, there... [Jan] Sometimes a manager, like yourself, has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time. [Michael] When have you ever done that? [Jan] I'm doing it right now. To you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Last night on Trading Spouses, there's... have you seen it? [Pam] No. I have a life. [Jim] Interesting, what's that like? [Pam] You should try it sometime. [Jim] Wow. But then who would watch my TV? That is... [Pam] ... your problem. [Michael] Jimbo! Ha haaaaa. Ah. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There's a decision that needs to be made, and I'm having an unbelievably a busy day. So I'm going to let you pick a health care plan for our office and then explain it to your co-workers. [Jim] Gosh. [Michael] Yeah! [Jim] That is a great offer. Thank you. I really think I should be concentrating on sales. [Michael] Really? [Jim] Yeah. I just don't think this is the kind of task, that I... am going to do. You know who would be great for this? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Any time Michael asks me to do anything, I just tell him that Dwight should do it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Yes. I can do it. I'm your man. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company then this would be my career. And uh, well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] OK, first, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? [Michael] Ah, none. You're picking a health care plan. [Dwight] OK, we'll table that for the time being. Two, I'll need an office. I think the conference room should be fine. [Michael] You can use the conference room as a temporary workspace. [Dwight] Yes, I have an office. Bigger than his. [Michael] Nope, you cannot use it. [Dwight] OK, I take it back, it's a workspace. [Michael] Temporary workspace. You can use it. [Dwight] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] If Dwight fails, then that is strike two, and good for me for, ah, for giving him a second chance. And if he succeeds, then, you know, no one will be prouder than I am. I groomed him. I made him what he is today. Unless he fails, and we've talked about that already. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. [Dwight] In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] There's no dental, there's no vision, there's a $1,200 deductible. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [Michael] Pam, Michael Scott. How's tricks? [Pam] Where are you? [Michael] Oh, I am in my office. I am swamped. I have work up to my ears I'm busy, busy, busy. Can't step away. I just wanted to check in and see how everybody's doing. Everybody cool out there? [Pam] Actually, people are really unhappy. Um, Dwight sent around this memo and people are freaking out 'cause the... [Michael] Pam! Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I, I, I, I gotta go. I'm getting a call. [Pam] No you're not. [Michael] I have to make a call after I finish... my work. You know what? Uh, just don't let anybody in my office under any conditions today. I'm just too busy. Too swamped, you know? I am unreachable. I am incommunicado, capisce? [Pam] OK. [Michael] Thank you, Oh, gah, here we go again. Gotta go, I have to take this. [Pam] Still no one calling. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dwight, what... [Dwight] Uh, knock, please. Please knock. This is an office. [Jim] It says "workspace". [Dwight] Same thing. [Jim] If it's the same thing, then why did you write "workspace"? [Dwight] Just knock, Please? As a sign of respect for your superior. [Jim] You are not my superior. [Dwight] Oh gee, then why do I have an office? [Jim] I thought it was a workspace? [Pam] OK. Dwight. Are you really in charge of picking the health care plan? [Dwight] Yes. And my decision in final. [Pam] This is a ridiculously awful plan. Because you cut everything. [Dwight] Aww, times are tough, Pam. Deal with it. [Jim] You cut more than you had to, didn't you? [Dwight] Sure. [Jim] Well, why did you do that? You work here, don't you want good insurance? [Dwight] Don't need it. Never been sick. Perfect immune system. [Jim] OK, well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies. [Dwight] I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute. And superior brain power. Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. [Pam] Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? [Dwight] So I can lower it. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] He literally won't come out of his office. [Kevin] He's got to come out sometime. To go to the bathroom. [Angela] Kevin! That's inappropriate. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Michael, can I talk to you? [Michael] Ah, uh, I would love to, but I am really busy. Rain check? [Meredith] Michael. Michael, please, can we talk to you about this memo? [Michael] Ah, what? Which memo? [Pam] Dwight's health care memo. I told you about it. [Michael] Is it a good plan? [Dwight] It's a great plan. It saves the company a fortune. [Oscar] It's like a pay decrease. [Pam] Michael, he made huge cuts. [Michael] Cuts? What? Wow, Dwight, did you make cuts? [Dwight] Yeah, you said... [Michael] No, no , no, you know what? I said nothing specific because I was so busy. Why don't you go in there and find these people a plan that will work for them? OK? [Dwight] I can handle that. [Michael] OK? All right. Do we feel good? All right. Good. Plus, there's some other good news. Today, at the end of the day, I will have, for all of you, a big surprise. OK? So hang in there, and I will see you at the end of the day. Right? --------------------------------------- [Oscar] This is not good. [Angela] It's ridiculous. Did you talk to him? [Oscar] What was that? [Angela] You let him walk all over you. It's just pathetic. [Kevin] What are you guys talking about? [Angela] Nothing, Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] OK, everyone. Gather round. Step forward. It has been brought to my attention that some of you are unhappy with my plan. So what I'd like you to do is to fill this out and write down any diseases you have that you might want covered and I'll see what I can do. [Jim] OK, you know what Dwight? We can't write our diseases down for you because that's confidential. [Dwight] OK, well, I didn't say to write your name down, did I? Fill it out, leave it anonymous. Or, don't write any disease down at all and it won't be covered. Sound fair? Good. I'll be in my office. [Jim] Workspace. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know what? Come with me. We are going on a little mission. Operation Surprise. [Pam] Where are you going? [Michael] Um, headed out. Part of my busy day, you know. Meetings. Couldn't find the knob. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So, basically, I want to do something nice for my employees. Atlantic City, OK? They have this thing where they send a bus, right, for free. Picks everybody up, you head down there, get to the hotel, room is comped, they give you a pile of chips, and your food, everything just kind of all-inclusive, free kind of weekend. [Travel Agent] I don't know of anything like that, but, um, you know what you might want to do, is just call those casinos directly. Um, maybe? [Michael] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did, so... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both. [Pam] I'm inventing new diseases. [Jim] Oh, great. [Pam] So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that? [Jim] I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion. [Pam] Nice. [Jim] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Calling you to ask you a little favoroonie my friend. Um, trying to give the troops around here a little bit of a boost. And I was thinking that maybe we could take them down to take a spin on your big ride. [Man on Phone] You mean the elevator that takes you down into the mineshaft? It's not really a ride. [Michael] Its says here that it's a 300ft drop. [Man on Phone] It goes 300 feet into the earth, but it moves really slowly. [Michael] So it's not a free fall? [Man on Phone] It's an industrial coal elevator. [Michael] Uh, all right. Well, once you get down into the mine, what... you got laser tag or something? --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK, so I don't know what the surprise is. Am I worried? No. No way. See, I thrive on this. This is my world. This is improv. This is Whose Line is it Anyway? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Damnit! Damnit Jim! [Dwight] All right, who did this? I'm not mad. I just want to know who did it so I can punish them. [Jim] What are you talking about? [Dwight] Uh, someone forged, uh, medical information and that is a felony. [Jim] OK, whoa. 'Cause that is a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake? [Dwight] Uh, leprosy? Flesh eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection. [Dwight] You did this, didn't you? [Jim] Absolutely not. [Dwight] Yes you did. [Jim] No I didn't. [Dwight] I know it was you. Fine. You know what? I'll have to interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for any one! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Killer nanorobots? [Pam] It's an epidemic. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need, because someone in this office is coming up with all this ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis" [Jim] Sounds tough. [Dwight] Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? [Jim] Do you? [Dwight] I think you need to confess... [Jim] Mmm hmm. [Dwight] ...the fact... [Jim] Yep. [Dwight] What are you doing? Those are my keys. [Jim] Good luck. [Dwight] Jim! Damnit! No! Jim! Let me out! Jim! Let... [Stanley] ...the light green or green... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Jim Halpert. [Dwight] Let me out. [Jim] Who is this? [Dwight] Let me out or you're fired. [Jim] No, you can't fire me. [Dwight] Yes I can. I'm manager for the day. Clean out your desk. [Jim] OK, can you hold on? I'm getting the, ah, beep. ] Jim Halpert. [Pam] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. [Jim] Hey Pam! How are you? [Dwight] Jim! Open the door! [Pam] Good, how are you? Busy? [Jim] I'm doing OK. Getting excited for the weekend though. What are you up to? [Dwight] Jim! [Pam] Um, I'm not bothering you, am I? [Jim] No, not at all. [Pam] You don't have anything you're doing? [Jim] I have nothing to do. [Dwight] Jim! [Pam] Oh great. Um, no, this weekend? Nothing. I'm not really doing anything. [Dwight] Jim! [Jim] Oh yeah? [Pam] I might go to the mall. [Jim] The mall? [Dwight] Jim! [Pam] I need new shoes. [Jim] Oh, interesting, what kind of shoes? --------------------------------------- [Jan] Hello? [Dwight] Uh, hello. Uh, this is Dwight Schrute calling for Jan Levenson-Gould. [Jan] This is Jan. [Dwight] Hi. Dwight Schrute calling, acting manager, Scranton branch. Listen, I needed your permission to fire Jim Halpert. [Jan] Who is this? [Dwight] Dwight Schrute. [Jan] From sales? [Dwight] Well... [Jan] Where's Michael Scott? [Dwight] He is not here right now. He put me in charge of the office. [Jan] Dwight, listen to me very carefully. You are not a manager of anything. Understand? [Dwight] That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking the health care plan. [Jan] Really? [Dwight] Yeah. [Jan] OK, when Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately. [Dwight] Call you immediately. Good. Oh, hey, listen, um, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim? [Jan] No. Please don't use my cell phone ever again. [Dwight] Oh, this is your cell, I thought this was your... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, hey, everybody, Ice-cream sandwiches! Aaaahh! Here you go. Take one, take one. It's all good. Phyllis, think fast. Ya-bome! Oh, oh, I see Angela. Angela? Right? Waaaaah! Oh, hey temp. Why don't you take two? Because you don't get health care. And uh, faster metabolism. [Ryan] Did you get the kind with the cookies? Instead of the... [Michael] Why don't you just eat it, OK? And here you go, Stanley the manly. [Stanley] Oh, thanks. [Michael] There you go. [Stanley] This isn't the big surprise, is it? Because we've been having a pretty horrible day. [Michael] Uh, nope. Nope. This isn't the surprise. It's surprising, um... because you didn't expect it. But you will... you'll know it when you see it. [Dwight] Michael. Michael? [Michael] Oh, Christ. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I tried being rational, OK? And what happened? The employees went crazy, I got no help from corporate. That leaves me with no options. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'm now going to read out loud your submitted medical conditions. When you hear yours read, please raise your hand to indicate that it is real. If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered. [Stanley] What about confidentiality? [Dwight] You know what? You have forfeited that privilege. I have tried to treat you all as adults, but obviously I am the only adult here. Number one, inverted pen1s. [Meredith] Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered. [Dwight] I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy? [Meredith] A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] OK, great. Dermatitis. Thank you Angela. I'll make sure that's covered. OK, now. Who wrote this, hysterical one? anal fissures? [Kevin] That's a real thing. [Dwight] Yeah, but no one here has it. [Kevin] Someone has it. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Do you think we should go ? [Oscar] I don't know, Kevin. This is important. I don't want... There he is. [Kevin] What is he doing? [Oscar] I don't know. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Well? [Michael] Well, what? You could be referring to anything. [Oscar] OK, the health care plan. [Pam] Why did you put Dwight in charge of that? He did a horrible job. [Michael] Uh, Dwight? Did you raise benefits? [Dwight] I most certainly did not. [Michael] Oh come on! That's horrible! Aaah... Thanks, Dwight, for a crappy plan. Ah, Damn! Oh, mmm, I wish I had time to change it, but Jan needs it by five, and... what time is it, what time is it? Ah, it's after five. Oh, oh it's awful. So, well, OK. See you guys on Monday. [Angela] What about the surprise? [Michael] Oh... Yes. Exactly. Thank you Angela, for reminding me. Terrific. Um, before I tell everybody what the big surprise is, would you like to tell me what you think the big surprise is? [Stanley] We all think you don't have a surprise. [Michael] All right, I have some news for you. There is a big surprise. And... here it is. Here we go. And the big surprise is... Brrrrrrrr! Drum roll... Brrrrrrrr! Brrrrrrrr! --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I am backed into a corner, that is when I come alive. See I learned improve from the greats, like, um, Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles. --------------------------------------- [Michael] God, yeah... Ah! This... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Robin Williams. Oh, man, would I love to go head-to-head with him. Oh! That would be exciting. "Hi. I'm Mork from Ork." Well, I'm Bork from Spork. Nanoo, nanoo. Jibelee, baloobaloo. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh, um... Jan wants you to call her.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e03", "title": "Health Care"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Alliance [Dwight] Michael!? [Michael] Oh! God. Dwight, come on... [Dwight] I wanted to talk to you about the downsizing? [Michael] There's no downsizing. [Dwight] I, but if there were, I'd be protected as assistant regional manager? [Michael] Assistant to the regional manager Dwight. [Dwight] Yeah, so I don't have to worry? [Michael] Look, look, look. I talked to corporate, about protecting the sales staff. And they said they couldn't guarantee it if there's downsizing, okay? [Michael] But there's no downsizing, so just don't... [Dwight] Bottom line. Do I need to be worried? [Michael] Mmm, mm, mm. Maybe. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It looks like there's gonna be downsizing. And it's part of my job, but... blah! I hate it. I think the main difference between me and Donald Trump is that, uh, I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired." "You're foir-ed. Uh, you're foir-ed." It just makes people sad, and an office can't function that way. No way. "You're foir-ed." I think if I had a catchphrase it would be, "You're hired, and you can work here as long as you want." But that's unrealistic, so... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Why'd you do this? [Dwight] I didn't do it. What do you mean? Oh, the water cooler was brought over here for... maintenance. So what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Get set for Operation Morale Improvement starring Michael Scott. Now, I think I have had a little stroke of genius in that I have had my assistant Pam... Smile, Pam. I have had her go out and find out whose birthday is coming up, so we can have a little celebration for it. Not bad, not bad at all. All right. And the birthday person is... drum roll please. Here we go, who is the birthday, birthday person? [Michael] Who is it? Who's the birthday? [Pam] Um... Actually, we don't have any staff birthdays coming up. [Michael] Next person on the... [Pam] Oh. [Michael] ...calendar. [Pam] Okay, umm... that would be Meredith. [Michael] Yes! All right, come on down Meredith! [Pam] But it's not until next month. [Michael] Um... uh, OK. Well, great, well, you know, it'll be a surprise. [Pam] You still want to have a party? [Michael] Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up! [Michael] Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check Captain. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brr-rrrp. Star Trek. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Well, uh, for decorations, maybe we could... it's stupid, forget it. [Angela] What? [Phyllis] I was just going to say, maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind. [Angela] No, yeah, I think that's a good idea. [Phyllis] Yeah? [Angela] What color do you guys think? [Phyllis] Well, there's green, um, blue... yellow... red... [Pam] How about green? [Angela] I think green is kind of whoreish. --------------------------------------- [Pam] This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her. --------------------------------------- [Michael] These are my party-planning beeyatches. Pulled off an amazing '80s party last year. Off the hook! [Michael] So I was thinking, if you haven't already got a cake, um, maybe going for one of those ice-cream cakes from Baskin-Robbins. Those are very good. Very Delicious. [Angela] Meredith's allergic to dairy, so... [Michael] She's not the only one that's going to be eating it, right? I think everybody likes ice-cream cake. It's not, uh, it's not just about her, so... [Pam] It is... her birthday. [Michael] Mint chocolate chip! That'd be good, how about some, mint chocolate chip? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out. [Dwight] Do you want to form, an alliance, with me? [Jim] Absolutely, I do. [Dwight] Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected... --------------------------------------- [Jim] At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Did you get your tickets? [Jim] To what? [Dwight] The gun show. --------------------------------------- [Jim] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way." --------------------------------------- [Dwight] There's one other thing and this is important. Let's keep this alliance totally a secret. Don't tell anyone. --------------------------------------- [Pam] An alliance? [Jim] Oh yeah. [Pam] What does that even mean? [Jim] I think it has something to do with Survivor, but I'm not sure. [Jim] Um, I know that it involves spying on people and we may build a fort, underground. [Dwight] Jim! Hey. Hi, Pam. Listen, could I talk to you a second about the... paper products? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Did you tell Pam about the alliance? [Jim] What? No. [Dwight] Just now. [Jim] What? Oh no no no. Dwight, no. I'm using her, for the alliance. Who knows the most information about this office? Pam. [Dwight] Right, that's good, good, pursue this. [Jim] Well I'm trying to. Do you see what I'm doing? [Dwight] Mmm hmm. [Jim] But listen, I'm going to have to talk to her a lot. All right? And there may be chatting, and giggling. And you gotta just pretend to ignore it. Wipe it away. [Dwight] Done. [Jim] All right. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Can you get her? She's right there. That is Meredith, the birthday girl. And this... is Meredith's card. Happy Bird-Day. Um, let's see. Jim, Jim wrote, "Meredith, I heard you're turning 46, but, come on, you're an accountant. Just fudge the numbers." Not bad, pretty funny, I don't appreciate condoning corporate fraud though. Uh, here's the thing. Whatever I write here has to be really, really funny. Because people out there are expecting it. I've already set the bar really high. And they're all worried about their jobs, you know. It's kinda dark out there. Can you imagine if I wrote something like, uh, "Oh, Meredith. Happy Birthday. You're great. Love, Michael." --------------------------------------- [Dwight] They seem awfully chummy, don't you think? [Jim] Yeah, what do you think that's about? [Dwight] Only one way to find out. [Jim] I'm on it. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You are not going to believe this. [Dwight] What? I believe it. [Jim] Well, tensions were high in the kitchen. [Dwight] I could tell, from the body language. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey Kev, that looks good. What is it? Turkey? [Kevin] Italian. [Jim] Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion, provolone... [Kevin] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off. [Dwight] Good, let 'em. It helps our cause. [Jim] Well, I don't know, if Kevin's in accounting, and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking... [Dwight] Oh, they're forming an alliance --------------------------------------- [Toby] I love their sandwiches. [Jim] I love their sandwiches too. [Kevin] Their bread's really good. [Jim] Their bread is very good. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Damn it. God! [Jim] OK, listen, we need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off. [Dwight] God... Damn it! Why us? [Jim] Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Meredith, Meredith... Meri... Mary had a little lamb. Mary... Meredith had a little lamb. Don't bring that lamb to work or it'll poop on the floor. [Michael] Hey, Oscar! Come on in. What's up? [Oscar] Uh, I'm sorry to bother you. [Michael] Oh, not at all. Come on in. What's going on? [Oscar] My nephew is involved with, um, a charity for cerebral palsy, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to... you know... if... [Michael] What? [Oscar] Donate to the charity? [Michael] Oh, God. Of course I would. Get it over here. Get that over here. [Oscar] Thank you. [Michael] No, I'm always good... for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars? People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you... $25. [Oscar] That's... that's... that's very generous. [Michael] Oh, my gosh, well... Listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into... morale. That's what I say, so... --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Jim, can I talk to you for a second? [Jim] Sure, what's up? [Pam] Um, I don't know, I'm just like, I'm going a little crazy 'cause I keep overhearing all these conversations between Michael and corporate about like, staff issues? [Jim] Oh no? [Pam] Yeah, he's making me take notes on these meetings and I'm, like, "These people are my friends." But he's all like, "This is confidential. You can't tell anybody." But I just feel like I want to... aaah. Just promise me you're not gonna say anything. [Jim] No, will not, I'm not going to tell anybody. This is between you and me. [Pam] OK, yeah. [Dwight] Jackpot. --------------------------------------- [Jim] That was beautiful. All her idea too. Awesome. She is so great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Meredith, bad breath. Meredith has bad breath. [Dwight] Hey, you wanted to see me? [Michael] Yeah. What do you know about Meredith? [Dwight] I don't think she'd be missed. [Michael] There's not going to be downsizing Dwight, OK? I just, I need to know a little bit more about my friend. [Dwight] Name, Meredith Palmer. Uh, personal information, divorced twice, two kids. Uh, Employer, Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards, multiple Dundies. [Michael] I know all that. I know all that. I just, I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside. [Dwight] She had a hysterectomy. [Michael] Which one is that again? [Dwight] That's where they remove the uterus. [Michael] Oh God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny. What am I going to do with a removed uterus? [Dwight] It could be kind of funny. [Michael] You know what, I am on a deadline here, and just... OK. Thanks, thanks for your help. I'll work it out. Thank you Dwight. That was a waste of time. --------------------------------------- [Jim] OK, here's the deal. All right? Pam says that one of the alliances is meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's birthday. [Dwight] Oh my God, we have to be there. [Jim] I know, but it's gonna be a little tough because there's no good place to hide there. [Dwight] No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God. [Jim] What? What? [Dwight] I know. I know exactly what to do. [Jim] Great. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This is going to be perfect, OK? Centrally located. Perfect cover. I can hear and see everything. [Jim] Good. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Michael? Are you done yet? [Michael] Almost there. Just a sec. Just a second. It is perfect, thank you. Excellent, here we go. It is time, thank you. OK, come on. Let's go! Get the cake. Here we go. Come on! Shhh. Be quiet. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open. [Dwight] So tape it down. [Jim] I can't do that. You won't be able to breathe. [Dwight] Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box. [Jim] Thank you, thank you. OK. --------------------------------------- [Everybody] Surprise! [Meredith] Oh! Surprise. [Angela] No, it's ah... [Michael] It's surprise Meredith. One, two... [Everybody] Happy birthday to you. [Michael] Find a key. [Everybody] Happy birthday... --------------------------------------- [Jim] So do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box? [Dwight] No, you need to go upstairs to the party so people don't notice we're both gone. [Jim] Right... That's good. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me. --------------------------------------- [Everybody] ... birthday, dear Meredith Happy birthday to you... [Michael] And many more! --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Last year, five years ago... [Michael] You were surprised, weren't you? [Meredith] Yes. [Michael] You looked freaked, man. We said "Surprise." You were, like, "What?" "What the hell's goin' on here?" Good cake. Why don't you have some? [Meredith] Uh, I can't. Um... [Michael] Come on. A little bit. [Meredith] I can't eat dairy. [Michael] Oh, right. God, too bad. It's so good. [Meredith] Yeah, it makes me sick. [Michael] You know what? If I were allergic to dairy, I think I'd kill myself. 'Cause this is way, way too good. --------------------------------------- [Pam] He's in a box? [Jim] Pam, he's in a box. He's downstairs, in a box, on the floor, near the shelves. I'm serious. Go down there and work your magic. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey where are you? Yeah, we were supposed to meet here. What? Oh my gosh! That ties in perfectly with something that Michael was telling me earlier! I just don't know what some of the people in, like, accounting are going to do? It said specifically that... [Dwight] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal. [Jim] Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the uh, donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it? 25 bucks? [Michael] Well, you know, money isn't everything Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time. [Jim] Yeah, well, three dollars a mile. It's gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give. [Michael] Is Oscar around? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I just thought it was kind of a flat, you know... 25 dollar, one-time donation. I didn't think it was per mile kinda deal. You know, so... [Oscar] Well, that's what a walk-a-thon is. [Michael] I know... [Oscar] It says it right on the sheet. Look, look at the sheet. It says, "However many dollars per mile." [Michael] Right. Got it. Yes. So it does. Um... [Oscar] I just think it's kind of cheap to un-donate money to a charity. [Michael] No, no, no, no, no. That wasn't what I wasn't, that wasn't... No. It-it-it's not about the money. It's just... it... it's the ethics of the thing, Oscar. How's your nephew? Is he in good shape? [Oscar] Yeah. [Michael] How many miles did he do last year? [Oscar] Last year, he walked 18 miles. [Michael] Son of a bitch. That is impressive. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Happy Birthday. [Michael] Read it out loud. And say who wrote everything so we know whose is the best. [Meredith] "Happy Bird-day" Um... "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here, where time stands still." [Michael] I don't know about that. [Meredith] That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday, you're the best. Love, Pam." [Michael] Huh! Thanks, downer. [Meredith] This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age." [Michael] Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old. [Meredith] No, I... I get it. It's funny. [Michael] You didn't get the joke. So, that's cool. That's, you know what? Actually... I have a bunch of these, good ones, that I didn't use. Um... Oh, where's that? Oh, OK, here's a good one. Um... "Hey Meredith, Liz Taylor called, she wants her age back and her divorces back." 'Cause Meredith's been divorced like, twice. Is that right? [Meredith] You're right. You're right. Yes. [Michael] Divorce. Um... OK, "Meredith is so old..." [Oscar] How old is she? [Michael] Everybody? If... could do it? "Meredith is so old..." [Everybody] How old is she? [Michael] "She's so old, she went into an antique store and they kept her." [Michael] That wasn't even mine. I got that off the Internet. Website. Um, don't get mad at me. [Oscar] Uh, nice party Michael. [Michael] This isn't my fault. Ladies, not your best effort. The streamers? I think we could have done better than that. [Angela] Phyllis wanted red, I didn't. [Phyllis] Oh, boy... You... [Michael] OK, we... all right. People, hold on, hold on. Just a second. OK, I think we're losing sight of what is really important here. And that is that we are... a group of people... who work together. I was... I really wasn't gonna flaunt this. I have made a very sizable donation to Oscar's nephew's... walkathon. $25. [Oscar] Per mile. [Michael] Per mile, yes. --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I retire, I... don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I wanna be the guy who gives everything back. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A check for the kids, and for the team. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I want it to be like... "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Um, well, I don't, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what, that was Michael Scott." "But it was anonymous, how do you know?" "Because I'm him." --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Thank you, Michael. [Michael] Come here. Don't cash that till Friday, OK? --------------------------------------- [Toby] Really? Today? [Ryan] Yeah. [Toby] Oh, Happy Birthday. [Ryan] Thanks. [Toby] Yeah, I could say something. [Ryan] No, don't. Don't do that. --------------------------------------- [Jim] OK, OK. I have something that totally tops the box. [Pam] Oh, tell me, tell me. [Jim] OK. I have just convinced Dwight that he needs to go to Stamford and... ... spy on our other branch. No no no. [Jim] But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover. [Pam] That's perfect! [Jim] If we can get him to drive to Connecticut... and put peroxide in his hair... [Roy] What the hell is this? What are you trying to cop a feel or something? Huh Halpert? [Jim] No, no, dude, no. [Pam] Hey, Hey! [Jim] No, dude, no, I was just, listen! Whoa. [Pam] Come on. [Jim] God, I don't even, I don't even know how to explain this. Uh, um... Dwight, uh, asked me to be in an alliance. And then um... um... we were... we've just been messing with him. Uh, because of the whole alliance thing. Um... [Pam] It's just office pranks. [Jim] It's stupid. It's, it's just office pranks. [Roy] An alliance? What the hell is he talking about? [Dwight] I have absolutely no idea. [Roy] Come on. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. [Dwight] That's politics baby. Get what you can out of someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e04", "title": "The Alliance"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Basketball [Michael] Hey, you ready? [Michael] All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. Very good. Excellent, excellent. [Dwight] Michael! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, "This might be kinda fun." And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you. [Dwight] Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team. [Michael] No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior. [Dwight] Oh, please. [Michael] When I let him come to my pick-up game... [Dwight] I apologized for that. [Michael] I vouched for you. [Dwight] Michael, I... [Michael] I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar. [Dwight] I can handle that. [Michael] Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that. [Dwight] And that's why you have an assistant regional manager. [Michael] Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager. [Dwight] Same thing. [Michael] No, it's not. It's lower, so... [Dwight] It's close. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim. [Jim] God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this? [Phyllis] Keep me out of it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding. --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right. [Ryan] Fine, don't worry about that. [Michael] And here we have "Mister Roger's Neighborhood." Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs. [Lonny] What's up? [Michael] And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs. [Darryl] It's not my real name. [Michael] No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs. [Ryan] Darryl Rogers? [Darryl] Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers. [Michael] And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs. [Ryan] Yeah, yeah. [Michael] You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport! --------------------------------------- [Pam] No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on. [Darryl] We're loading at one. [Michael] Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me. [Darryl] No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time. [Michael] Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way. [Darryl] All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock. [Michael] All right, see you at one. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Are we ready for the game? [Everybody] Yeah. [Michael] I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings. [Dwight] Gimli. [Michael] Nerd. That is why you're not on the team. [Dwight] Just trying to be helpful. [Michael] Uh, "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword." [Jim] That's him. [Michael] OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course. [Stanley] I'm sorry? [Michael] Um, what do you play? Center? [Stanley] Why "of course"? [Michael] Uh... [Stanley] What's that supposed to mean? [Michael] Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that. [Jim] Uh, I heard it. [Michael] Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time. [Phyllis] I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school. [Michael] Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart. [Ryan] But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch? [Michael] Yes. [Ryan] OK. [Michael] Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else? [Oscar] I can help out, if you need me. [Michael] I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box. [Kevin] I have a hoop in my driveway. [Michael] No. [Phyllis] I have a sports bra. [Michael] No, no, ridiculous. [Dwight] Michael, look. Missed it... [Michael] Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight. [Dwight] Yes! [Michael] Sorry Phyllis. [Dwight] Can I be team captain? [Michael] No, I'm team captain. [Dwight] Can I be team manager? [Michael] No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager. [Dwight] Assistant team manager? [Michael] No. [Dwight] OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then. [Michael] Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now. [Jim] Oh my God. [Michael] Threat neutralized. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Off the backboard! [Pam] Please don't throw garbage at me. [Michael] Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once? [Pam] I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance. [Jim] I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and... [Michael] Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying. [Pam] Maybe Angela would cheerlead. [Michael] Oh, yeah right. [Phyllis] I'll do it. [Michael] Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man? [Darryl] Just getting a tea bag. [Michael] Oh ho, oh, he's running. He's running. He's running, but he can't hide because you know what? One o'clock, you better bring your 'A' game. Because me, and my, posse guys are gonna be in your face. Right in your face! [Darryl] Why don't we make it more interesting? Loser buys dinner at Farley's. [Michael] Whoa-ho. I like the way you think. You know what, I'm gonna take that one step further. Loser, works, on Saturday. [Darryl] No, that's not as much fun. You know what? [Michael] What? [Darryl] You're on. [Michael] OK. Cool, you're on. Don't screw this up. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Classic beginner's mistake, eating before a game. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Has anyone seen the first-aid kit? How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Basketball? It was kind of my thing in high school. And I'm, yeah, I'm looking forward to playing. You know, I think I'm gonna impress a few people in here. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You coming down? [Pam] Yeah, I'm just forwarding the phones. [Jim] You gonna wish me luck? [Pam] Yeah, you're gonna need it. [Jim] Whoa. [Jim] Is that trash talk from Pam? [Pam] I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive. [Jim] Oh. [Pam] And he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday so... [Jim] Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along. [Pam] Um, I think I'm gonna be up at the lake. [Jim] I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, there he is! Secret weapon! All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team. Of course, if you beat us, you're fired. That's a joke. OK, let's do it. [Jim] Have a good game man. [Roy] Yeah, you too. Should be fun. [Michael] All right, everybody stretch out a little bit. Stretch it. Full stretch. Ryan, you wanna stretch? [Ryan] I stretched before I came. [Michael] OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK, Ryan, you have Darryl. I have Roy. [Jim] Really? I thought I'd take Roy. [Michael] Actually, I think Roy is their best player not Lonny. So, Dwight, you uh, have the East German gal. Uh, who else we got... Um...OK, all right, you guys. [Dwight] OK, we'll be skins! [Michael] Aw, come on Dwight. [Dwight] What? Shirts on or off? [Michael] On. Just put it on. [Dwight] You sure? [Michael] Yes. Uh, Pam? You kind of have your foot in both camps, why don't you do the uh, jump ball OK? [Roy] Don't listen to him Pam. Trust me, tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car. [Michael] Stanley! What? You gotta be kidding me! !?! Oh... Here we go! Who's on him? Somebody get him! [Teammates] Yeah! [Roy] That's what I'm talking about. [Michael] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over here, over here. Here we go. Three! Let's go to the zone! We're going to zone! [Dwight] De-fense! De-fense! [Michael and Dwight] De-fense! De-fense! [Warehouse worker] Well done team. [Michael] Who's got Roy? [Pam] Woo! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Aw, come on! What is wrong with me today!? Usually hit those. Dwight, I was open. All right, let's go. --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK, foul. Charging. Charging. That's a foul. [Roy] OK. [Michael] OK, I'll take it. OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I am playing hoops all of the stress and responsibility of my job here just melts away. It's gone, I'm in the zone. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What is wrong with me today?! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Who am I? Am I Michael Scott? I don't know... I might just be a basketball machine. What's Dunder Mifflin? I've never heard of it. Filing? Paperwork? Who cares? Possible downsizing? Um... well, that's probably gonna happen, actually. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jim! Jim! Jim, right here, Jim! Give me the ball! Ryan, cut! Whoa! [Jim] My bad. [Darryl] Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. [Lonny] Where you at? Where you at? You over there? I'm over there. [Michael] That is cool. Is that like the Robot? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Nice! Come here! [Ryan] Can we just do one? That's cool, that's fine. [Darryl] You have one more free throw shoot. Come on. [Roy] All right, let's go. --------------------------------------- [Warehouse worker] Watch your back Madge. [Madge] Hey! Come on man! [Michael] Come on! Hey, Dwight. Dwight! [Dwight] Yeah! In your face! [Madge] Yeah, like that counts. [Michael] You know what? Dwight, Dwight... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Football is like rock and roll, it's just bam-bam-boo... And basketball is like jazz, you know? You're kind of... Dupee-doo, dupee-do. It's all downbeat, it's in the pocket, it's like... Dupee-do, dupee-do, dapee-dah... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Du-du-du-du-dupee-do, de-do-do-do. Harlem Globetrotter... [Roy] Du-du-du-du-dupee-do. Your ball. [Michael] All right, time, time out. Come on, sales, over here. Bring it in! Come on! [Michael] What's going on? What's going on? You're playing like a bunch of girls. [Jim] You know what? Let me take Roy. [Michael] All right, switch. Take it up a notch, come on. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Shoot, shoot it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Foul! Naked aggression! Oh, that is... You all right Jim? Suck it up. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Block, block, block! [Madge] He's afraid of you now. [Michael] Ouch! Oh, how much does it hurt? How much does it hurt? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes! [Roy] What the hell man? [Jim] Take it easy. [Roy] No, you take it easy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Watch the long passes, you guys! --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Same team, Dwight. [Michael] Dwight! [Dwight] Yes! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face! Angela, what's the score? [Angela] You're ahead. [Michael] Yeah, baby, here we go! [Michael] Jim! Jim! Right here! Ow! God! Hold it! [Worker] I'm sorry. [Michael] Foul! Foul! [Worker] I'm sorry. You all right? [Michael] Oh, that hurts. [Worker] Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. [Michael] What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking me for no reason? [Darryl] Take your shot man! [Michael] No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there. [Worker] No it wasn't. [Michael] Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair. [Worker] Oh, really? No, I just put my arm up... [Michael] Game over. Game over. That is it! I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we're having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly. [Angela] This is a cold pack... [Dwight] Here, give me that. You have to break the interior bag. [Michael] Thanks Dwight. [Lonny] Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on? [Michael] Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won. [Darryl] That was you. [Michael] It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are working Saturday. Your face. [Roy] No, no, no, I'm not coming in on Saturday. [Darryl] Yeah, this isn't happening. [Michael] Um... well, you guys, you know, I'm the boss so... [Lonny] So what's that? We're coming in on Monday, right? [Michael] Hey, hey... [Lonny] Monday? [Michael] You guys believed me? Come on. Dogs, you know, you should know me better than that. No, oh, do you think that would've been good for morale? No. No. No. Exactly, no. I'm embarrassed it was even that close though. So... nah, of course, we're coming in Saturday. Good game. Word. --------------------------------------- [Jim] ...so I talked to the scout, it looks good. [Pam] Mmm-hmm. [Jim] I didn't sign anything. [Roy] Hey baby. [Pam] Hey. [Roy] Look at Larry Bird. Larry Legend. [Pam] Yeah, he's, uh, pretty good, huh? Let's get you into a tub. [Roy] Yeah? Let's get you into a tub. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, what a game, huh? What a game. [Oscar] What time do we have to come in? [Michael] Come on. Let's not be gloomy here man. We're all in this together. We're a team. You know what? Screw corporate, nobody's coming in tomorrow. You have the day off. Like coming in an extra day is gonna prevent us from being downsized. Have a good weekend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did because we were ahead.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e05", "title": "Basketball"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Hot Girl [Jan] Are you listening to me Michael? [Michael] Affirmative. [Jan] What did I just say? [Michael] You just said, let me uh... check my notes. You just said... [Jan] Alan and I have created an incentive program to increase sales. [Michael] Hey, hey how is Alan? Tell Alan that the Mets suck! Okay? From me, big time. Go Pirates! [Jan] I'm not going to do that Michael. [Michael] Okay [Jan] We've created an incentive program to increase sales. [Michael] Uh, huh. [Jan] At the end of the month you can reward your top seller with a prize worth up to a thousand dollars. [Michael] Whoa. Howdy-ho. Wow, a thousand big ones. That's cool. Do I uh, do I get to pick the prize? [Jan] Uh, yes. Yes you can. [Michael] Um, question: Does top salesman include uh, people who were at one time such outstanding salesman that've been promoted to... [Jan] No, Michael. No. You can't win this prize. [Michael] I didn't mean me! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, first what we have to do is find out what motivates people more than anything else. [Dwight] s*x. [Michael] It's illegal. Can't do that. Next best thing. [Dwight] Torture. [Michael] Tah, come on Dwight. Just help me out here. That's just stupid. [Pam] Uh, Michael? [Michael] Pam! [Pam] Hey, there's a... [Michael] Burger with cheese! [Pam] There's a person here... [Michael] And fries! [Pam] There's... [Michael] And shake! What? Go ahead. [Pam] There's a person here who wants to sell handbags. [Michael] No, no, no. No vendors in the office. That is a distraction. [Pam] Okay, I told her you'd talk to her. [Michael] Pam. Pam. Come on, I'm busy. So just tell her to go away. [Pam] Okay. [Michael] Oooh, alright I'll talk to her. --------------------------------------- [Katy] This one is hand embroidered. [Michael] All right girls break it up, you're being infiltrated. Cock in the henhouse. [Dwight] Cocks in the henhouse. [Michael] Don't say cocks. Oh, what is your name, my fair lass? [Katy] Katy. [Michael] Ah, Katy. Wow. Look at you. You are, uh you're like the new and improved Pam. Pam 6.0. [Michael] Oh, look. Oh hey, no catfights you two. I'm against violence in the workplace. [Dwight] So am I. [Michael] Nobody cares what you think. [Dwight] Doesn't matter. [Michael] So uh, you know what? I usually don't allow solicitors in the office but today I am going to break some rules, and you can have the conference room. It's yours. All day. [Katy] Wow, thanks. [Pam] There's an HR meeting in there at 11:30. [Michael] Well, lets put 'em in the hallway. Give 'em some chairs. Right? Decisiveness. One of the keys to success according to Small Businessman. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I do. I read Small Business man. I also uh, subscribe to USA Today and American Way Magazine, that's the in-flight magazine. Some great articles in that. They did this great profile last month of Doris Roberts and where she likes to eat when she's in Phoenix. Illuminating. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is my conference room. So please, uh, make yourself at home. Whatever you need, I'm right on the other side of this wall. used to be a window here. There's not anymore. So, that's where I will be. [Michael] So if you need anything else, something to make you more confortable just don't hesitate to ask. I'm right here. [Katy] I guess a cup of coffee would be great. [Michael] Wait a second. I should have spotted another addict. Uh, gotta love the 'bucks. [Katy] What? [Michael] It's like a slang for Starbucks. They're all over the place. Oh, man, that place is like the promised land to me. What a business model too. Ah, too bad we don't have the good stuff here. [Katy] Regular coffee is fine. [Michael] Nah, it's not. it's spppplllibbb [Katy] No really it is. [Michael] No, here's the thing. Y'know I do my best to be my own man and go by the beat of a different drummer and nobody gets me, and they're always putting up walls and I'm always tearing 'em down, just breakin' down barriers, that's what I do all day. So a coffee, regular coffee for you. High test, or unleaded? [Katy] Bring it on. [Michael] Oh. Woo, I will. I will bring it on. Ah, all right. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] So are you jealous 'cause there's another girl around? [Pam] No. [Kevin] She's prettier than you though. [Pam] That's a very rude thing to say, Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Katy] So do you like the periwinkle and the purples? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There ya go. Nice steaming cup o'joe. [Katy] Thank you. [Michael] I have an idea. Why don't I introduce you around, you know you can kind of get your foot in the door, meet potential clientele, right? [Katy] Gosh, I would love to but, my purses, I should, um... [Michael] Oh, um, well, we could have Ryan take a look. Ryan, would you look after the purses, please? [Ryan] I'm installing File Share on all the computers. [Michael] Yeah, well, bladdy-bluda-blah-blah. Techno-babble. Just do it, okay. We have company. Right? --------------------------------------- [Michael] You should sell a lot here because this branch made over a million dollars last year. Not that we're all millionaires. I'm probably closest. So here's Oscar. Oscar, this is Katy. [Oscar] I'm on the phone. [Michael] Oooh-ooh. Oscar the grouch. Right? I thought of that. [Katy] That was on Sesame Street. [Michael] I know. I know. I made the connection. Can you believe he'd never heard that before he worked here? [Katy] No, I don't believe that. [Michael] I know, it's unbelievable. --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's nice having Katy around. It's another person for Michael to um, interact with. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby. [Katy] Hi [Toby] Hi, nice to meet you. [Michael] Toby, Katy. [Toby] Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara? [Katy] Yeah. [Toby] Yeah, me too. [Katy] Cool. What year were you there? [Toby] Eighty-nine. [Michael] Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right? [Toby] Yeah. [Michael] You and your wife, and you have kids. [Toby] A girl. [Michael] Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too? [Katy] I should probably get back to my table. [Michael] Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I live by one rule. No office romances. No way. Very messy. Inappropriate. No. But, I live by another rule: Just do it. Nike. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey, Jimmy what do you think of that little purse girl, huh? [Jim] Cute, sure, yeah. [Roy] Why don't you get on that? [Jim] She's not really my type. [Roy] What are you gay? [Jim] Hmmm, I don't think so. Nope. [Kevin] What is your type? [Jim] Moms, primarily. Yep. Soccer moms. Single moms. NASCAR moms. Any type of moms, really. [Roy] That's disgusting. [Kevin] Stay away from my mom. [Jim] Too late, Kev. [Roy] Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam. [Pam] We're not dating, we're engaged. [Roy] Engaged, yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Pam and I are good buddies. I'm sort of Pam's go-to guy for her problems. You know with stuff like work, or uh, her fiance Roy. Or uh... Nope, those are pretty much her only two problems. --------------------------------------- [Jim] She'd be perfect for you. [Dwight] Hmmm... she's been talking to Michael a lot. [Jim] So, what? You're Assistant Regional Manager. [Dwight] Assistant to the Regional Manager. [Jim] Well, you know what Dwight? He's your work boss, okay? He is not your relationship boss. [Dwight] That's true. [Jim] Plus you have so much more to talk to this girl about, You're both um, salesmen. I mean that's something right there. [Dwight] True. Plus I can talk to her about the origins of my last name. [Jim] It's all gold. --------------------------------------- [Katy] Guys are usually my best customers, they buy the high end stuff like the beads and the sequins and stuff. For gifts, you know? They don't know what they are looking at. So I make suggestions. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Alright. Here's the thing okay, you just keep talking to her. If you hit a stall you have a perfect fall back. [Dwight] What's that? [Jim] You buy a purse. [Dwight] I don't want a purse. Purses are for girls. [Jim] Dwight, that's not necessarily true. Do you read GQ? [Dwight] No. [Jim] Okay, I do. There like mini briefcases, alright? Lots of guys have them. [Dwight] Like those? [Jim] Yes. Listen, you are spending way too much time talking to me, when you could be talking to her. [Dwight] Okay, I'm just going to use the bathroom, and then I'm going... [Jim] No. You don't need the bathroom. You've got it. Go. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay, shhhh stop... stop whatever you're doing because this is going to be good. [Jim] Hi my name's Dwight Schrute and I would like to buy a purse from you. Good lord, look at these purses! This is something special. Oh my God is this Salvatore Di-chini-asta? [Pam] Oh definitely, definitely step in and out of it like that. [Jim] Yes, well I want to stress test it. You know, in case anything happens. [Pam] Oh! [Jim] Oh! That was really. This is necessary to do to really give it a good workout. This is the ooooh... This is the prettiest one of all. [Pam] Oh... [Jim] I'm going to be the prettiest girl in the ball. Oh, how much? [Pam] Oh, God. It's sad. It's so sad. [Jim] Here he comes, shhh... [Jim] Good. [Jim] He did pick a good one. [Pam] You're horrible. --------------------------------------- [Katy] This one's really good for a hot date. [Pam] Yeah, what's that? [Pam] I'm engaged. So... [Katy] Congratulations. You need a hot date more than anyone. [Pam] I wished, right? [Michael] Giggle-giggle, juji-juji, I get it, I get it. Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood over here right? So how's that uh, coffee from earlier? [Katy] Good. [Michael] Ah, I knew it. Guzzled it down. You greedy little thing. So, uh, Pam is this your lunch break, or was that earlier when you were eating in the kitchen with those guys? [Katy] Sorry. [Michael] Busted. [Katy] Come back... [Michael] Oh hey, I want to show you something. Come here I want to show you something. I know you are going to like this. Picked it up today. A thousand big ones. [Katy] Is that from Starbucks? [Michael] Yes. This is a Starbucks digital barista. This is the mack daddy of espresso makers. [Katy] Wow. Is that for the office? [Michael] Oh, I know what you're thinking. You're not prying this out of my hands, but don't tempt me because I'll give it to you! [Katy] I wouldn't think of it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Coffee is the great incentivizer in the office. It's a drug. It is quite literally a drug that speeds people up. It's not the only drug that speeds people up. You hear stories about Dunder Mifflin in the eighties before everybody knew how bad cocaine was. Guh. Man, did they move paper! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh the rotating um, steam wand. What? What's the matter? [Katy] Oh, nothing. My ride just bailed on me. [Michael] Oh, oh! God. I'm sorry. Is there...? [Katy] Oh no, it's um... [Michael] Where you going? Nearby? Because I can give you a ride. [Katy] No... [Michael] Seriously. No, really. [Katy] No. I really don't want to inconvenience you. [Michael] God! No, no, no, no. No inconvenience. I mean I'm out of here at five sharp. [Katy] At five? [Michael] I can go earlier. 'Cause I'm the boss. You know, whatever. I'm out of here slaves. [Katy] Okay. [Michael] What? [Katy] Okay, I guess that would be, I guess that would be okay. [Michael] Okay. Sounds good. Sounds good. Five o'clock sharp. I will give you and your purses a ride home. [Katy] Okay. Cool. [Michael] Excellent. [Katy] Cool. [Michael] Great. Cool. Cool. Yeah, okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I should have never let the Temp touch this thing. I had all these great icons and now I have four folders. So.. [Dwight] It's actually better this way. [Michael] No it's not. Because I could just click on the icon and then I'm onto--- [Dwight] Michael could I ask you something? I wanted to ask your permission to ask out Katy. I know it's against the rules and everything. Because... [Michael] No, no, no it's not against the rules. She's not a permanent employee so it's not. [Dwight] Thank you, Michael. I appreciate this so much. [Michael] But I think you should just know that I am going to be giving her a ride home later. [Dwight] What? [Michael] She asked me for a ride and so I am going to give her a ride home. [Dwight] Is that all it is? Just a ride home? Like a taxicab? [Michael] Well, might be a ride home. Might be a ride home and we stop for coffee and dot-dot-dot... [Dwight] Please. Please, I am your inferior and I'm asking you this favor. Can you promise me that it will just be a ride home? [Michael] No. I cannot promise you that. [Dwight] You cannot promise me, or you won't promise me? [Michael] Listen, Dwight. [Dwight] Do you love her? [Michael] Dwight, no. I don't know. It's too early to tell. I don't know how I feel. --------------------------------------- [Katy] I think you've made a really good choice, she's really going to like that. [Stanley] Hmmm... [Michael] Espresso? [Katy] Oh, thank you. [Michael] You're welcome. Thank you. Hmmm-hmm-hmm. [Stanley] Is that from the machine that was in your office? [Michael] Ummm-hmmm... [Stanley] I thought that was the incentive prize for the top salesperson. [Michael] Very easy to clean. [Michael] Okay. Like he's going to win anyway, right? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Did we get any mail? [Pam] Yeah, I gave it to you. [Michael] Yes you did. Yes, you did. Just checkin'. Just checkin', double checkin', checkin' on the check. Thoroughness is very important in an office and... [Pam] So, can I..? [Michael] Yeah, yeah, of course. Uh, Pam, one more thing. Um, how do girls your age feel about futons? --------------------------------------- [Jim] A futon? [Jim] He's a grown man [Pam] That's what he said. [Jim] That's sad. Or it's innovative. Well, you know the futon is a bed and couch all rolled into one. [Roy] What's up? [Pam] Hi. [Roy] Are you still mad at me? [Pam] Roy... [Roy] Come on [Pam] Cut it out. [Roy] Come on, you mad at me? [Pam] Stop it. [Roy] Are you still mad at me now? [Pam] Cut it out. [Roy] Are you mad at me now? [Pam] Stop. [Roy] Huh? huh? Come on... Come on, Pammy I was just kidding. [Pam] Stop, I can't breathe. [Roy] I was just kidding. You know I didn't mean it. I can't... --------------------------------------- [Pam] Jim is a great guy. He's like a brother to me. We're like best friends in the office and I really hope he finds someone. --------------------------------------- [Katy] You seem to like to touch things. Did you try the velvet? [Angela] I don't like to necessarily touch things. I'm just... I'm shopping. [Katy] Oh no, it's fine that you, um. Here, what about the raspberry one? It's really uh, kind of festive. It's got a lot of personality. [Angela] Yeah, uh no. [Dwight] Hey, how's it going? Good. Can I talk to you for a second? In private? [Katy] I don't think so I'm really busy. [Dwight] It will just take a second. [Katy] I can't. [Dwight] Just for a minute. [Katy] I really can't. [Dwight] Please? I wanted to talk to you in private because I wanted to ask you out on a date. [Katy] No. [Dwight] Ok was that no to talking to me in private, or was that no to the date? [Katy] Both. [Katy] What colors do you like? [Angela] Gray. Dark Gray. Charcoal. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ryan. [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] Would you like to help me with a special project? [Ryan] I would love to. [Michael] Alright. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, just throw out all the empties. [Ryan] You don't want to recycle them? [Michael] Um, yes. Throw them away in the recycling bin. [Ryan] Do you want this? [Michael] No. [Ryan] What about this bottle of power drink? [Michael] Uh, what flavor? [Ryan] Blue. [Michael] Blue's not a flavor. [Ryan] It says flavor: Blue Blast. [Michael] Oh, Blue Blast. Yes, put that in the trunk, and there should be an unopened Arctic Chill back there. I want that in the passengers cupholder. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hi. [Katy] Hi. [Jim] I'm Jim, by the way. [Katy] I'm Katy. [Jim] Hi Katy, nice to meet you. [Katy] You sit out there, don't you? [Jim] I do. That's what I'm best known for. Sitting out there. Alright, let's talk about purses. [Katy] Okay, um... [Jim] Katy but you know what, don't try to sell me one. Okay, seriously 'cause I'm just here to learn. [Katy] Okay. [Jim] Okay, so I know about most of these, but you know you can... [Katy] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What, stop! Whoa! That's my Drakkar Noir. [Ryan] No, this is Rite Aid Night Swept. [Michael] No, it is a perfect smell-alike. I'm not paying for the label. Right here. Give it. [Ryan] Well, it's empty. [Michael] Not it's not, there's some in the straw. There, now you may throw it out. [Ryan] Wow. How many filet-o-fishes did you eat? [Michael] That's over several months, Ryan. [Ryan] Still. --------------------------------------- [Jim] What's up? [Pam] I'm bored. [Jim] Thank you for choosing me. [Pam] No, I'm kidding. Um, so you got big plans this weekend? [Jim] Ah, well I think I'm gonna see Katy. [Pam] Really? [Jim] Yeah. [Pam] What are you guys going to do? [Jim] Oh, man I don't know. Uh, dinner, drinks, movie, matching tattoos. [Pam] That's great. [Jim] And stuff... yeah. [Pam] That's cool. [Jim] What are you doing? [Pam] I, I was gonna say, I think that um, we're gonna help Roy's cousin move. [Jim] Okay. [Pam] 'Cause Roy's got a truck. [Jim] That's cool. [Pam] Uh, huh. Yes. [Jim] That is cool. Well, I'll see you Monday though, right? [Pam] Great. [Jim] Okay. [Pam] Okay, I'm gonna head back. [Jim] Alright. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I think in order to be a ladies man, it's imperative that people don't know you're a ladies man, so I kind of play that close to the chest. I don't know, what can I say? Women are attracted to power. And I think other people have told me that I have a very symmetrical face. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're right? I don't know. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Sure you don't want me to help you with that? Cause I can grab that no problem. [Katy] Goodnight, it was nice nice to meet some of you. [Michael] See you later. Goodnight. Goodnight, Jim. [Jim] Goodnight, Michael. [Michael] Where you going? [Jim] I don't know. Grab a drink, I think? [Michael] With us? [Katy] I uh, I probably should have told you, I don't need a ride now 'cause Jim can take me home after so you're off the hook. [Michael] Okay. Great. Off the hook. Excellent. Okay, cool. [Jim] I got this. [Michael] Alright, have fun. [Katy] Thanks. [Jim] I got it. [Michael] Don't drink and drive. [Michael] Take it easy. [Jim] Have a good night. [Michael] You too, have a good night. [Katy] You got that? [Jim] Oh, yeah. You sold a lot, so it's lighter. [Katy] Good. Here. Squeeze it inside. [Jim] Alright now, I'm gonna warn you. Don't freak out, okay? [Katy] Why? [Jim] This is a really nice car. In case you haven't noticed, this is a Corolla. Okay. [Katy] It's a... it's a very nice car. [Jim] You're not going to freak out? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Do I have a special someone? Uh well, yeah of course. A bunch of 'em. My employees. If I had to choose between a one-night-stand with some stupid cow I pick-up in a bar, and these people? I'd pick them every time. Because with them, it is an everyday stand and I still know their names in the morning.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s01", "episode": "e06", "title": "Hot Girl"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Dundies [Michael] Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So... --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, you ready for the... the Dundies? [Pam] Ugh... --------------------------------------- [Pam] You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey hey hey! It's Fat Halpert. [Jim] What? [Michael] Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don't you show of your Dundies to the camera? [Jim] Oh, I can't because I keep them hidden. I don't want to look at them and get cocky. [Michael] Oh, that's a good idea. [Dwight] Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. [Michael] Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. --------------------------------------- [Michael] T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it's just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say "Don't go there" but that's... lame. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren't you Stan? Why don't you, ah, show them some of your bling. [Stanley] I don't know where they are, I think I threw them out. [Michael] Oh, no you di-int. [Stanley] I think I did. [Michael] W-why did you... [Stanley] Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? [Michael] Yes we should. I... you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, someone had eaten all of them. --------------------------------------- [Michael] To Oscar Martinez it's the "Show Me the Money" award! Yeah! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] That's supposed to be confidential. [Michael] He has the award-ah! ...it's a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! [Michael] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing... [Michael] ...a little bit of Phyllis everywhere... [Pam] Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It's great. [Michael] ...a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers... ...a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of... --------------------------------------- [Kelly] It was you. [Phyllis] Live and learn. [Pam] It wasn't. I swear. [Kelly] Yeah, it was. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So, what's the joke? You're not perfect either. [Pam] We're not laughing at you, Dwight. [Dwight] So who are we laughing at? [Pam] Um, just something somebody wrote. [Dwight] Who? Dave Barry? [Kelly] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies' room wall. [Dwight] What is it? Who wrote it? [Pam] Um, it's kind of private. [Phyllis] It's about Michael. [Dwight] That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less. [Pam] Okay, now I'm laughing at you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? [Jan] It's a, it's, it's a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. [Michael] Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. [Jan] No. [Michael] Wuh... Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So... [Jan] No, we don't approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so... we're not paying for this. [Michael] Um... [Michael] Could you...? [Jan] Are you there Michael? [Michael] Yeah, I'm here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. [Michael] Um, what, ah, what is, I mean... [Michael] ...come on, Jan! [Michael] You're dropping an A-Bomb on me here. [Jan] Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? [Michael] Well, yeah, I mean, what is... [Jan] You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. [Michael] No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party... [Jan] And you had a luau.... [Michael] ...it happens once every billion years. [Jan] And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. [Michael] Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. [Jan] Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn't even make sense. [Michael] Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is a little character I like to do , it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson's classic characters. Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. "Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin." Here's the problem. There's no open bar because of Jan and it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It'll be fine, I just...wish people were going to be drunk. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Dwight, get out of here!! [Dwight] No, no, no, no... [Phyllis] What were you doing in the ladies room?! [Dwight] ...no, no, no, no, it's not what you think. [Phyllis] Why were you peering over the stalls?! [Dwight] No, why were you in there?! [Phyllis] You are a pervert! [Dwight] What were you doing in there? [Phyllis] You, are, a pervert! [Dwight] I am not. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The Dundie award for "Longest Engagement" goes to Pam Beesley. [Michael] Pam, everybody! [Michael] Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say. Ah, Roy's accepting. [Roy] Yes. [Michael] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you'd like to say, on Pam's behalf? [Roy] Ah, w-we'll see you next year. [Michael] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm not changing that, it's the best one. [Jim] No, it's hilarious, you're right. I just think, um, "world's longest engagement", um, we're all expecting it, you know? [Michael] That's why it's funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier. [Jim] Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. [Michael] Oh, lazy. Uh huh. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. --------------------------------------- [Pam] You're taking away our bathroom? [Dwight] We are going to have two men's rooms. [Phyllis] But where would we...go? [Dwight] Be prepared to hold folks From 9 am to... [Pam] Michael... [Michael] Yes. [Pam] ...Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. [Michael] Okay, well, that's just ridiculous, so just don't, I-I don't have time for this right now. [Dwight] Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions... [Michael] Just don't, don't talk- [Dwight] ...for people's behavior. [Michael] Don't talk- [Dwight] And it's- [Michael] Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can't you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. [Dwight] Yes! [Michael] Yeah, not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever. [Dwight] Best Dundies ever. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. [Dwight] Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I'm not afraid to use it. Devon! --------------------------------------- [Michael] "The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I'm psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You're just a name and number and no one even says hello." Card! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're, kind of there. That's-that's kind of what it's like. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-" [Dwight] The waitress tripped on the cord. [Michael] Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Oh, just put these on the group tab. [Michael] Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we're going to be doing separate checks. [Stanley] You said, we could bring our families. [Michael] I did. And why didn't ya Stanley? [Stanley] I did, my wife's name is Terri. [Michael] Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Terri. [Stanley] It's this person who's hand I'm holding Michael. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Shut it. Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. [Dwight] Really? We don't have any girls from HR. [Michael] No, that...for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. [Dwight] Yeah? [Michael] And I was about to take her bra off... [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] ...when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- [Dwight] Like an AIDS test? [Michael] No! God. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Alright, so let's get this party staaaarrrrted. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Hey let's go to Poor Richard's. [Roy] Yeah, let's get out of here. [Pam] Um... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show's just getting started. [Pam] Sorry. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] You staying? [Jim] Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And now... to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts... [Michael] ...the "Busiest Beaver" award goes to Phyllis Lapin. [Michael] Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. [Phyllis] This says "Bushiest Beaver". [Michael] What? I told them busiest...idiots. [Phyllis] It's, it's fine. [Michael] Well, we'll fix it up. You don't have to display that. --------------------------------------- [Pam] ...because that's what happens every time! [Roy] ...talking about? He's a jackass every year. [Pam] No. [Roy] Come on, we're going to Poor Richard's. [Pam] No, I don't want to go, I don't want to. [Roy] Pam. Go. [Pam] If you would have asked me that, then you would know. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Herro everybodeeee. I'm gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? [Pam] Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. [Jim] Oh! [Pam] I'll just get a ride home from Angela. [Jim] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh good, I'm just in time for Ping. [Jim] Yeah. [Michael] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. [Michael] Right? You know wat I'm talking 'bout. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Can I get a drink? --------------------------------------- [Michael] This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. [Michael] Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in the Office" award goes to... ...Ryan the temp! [Michael] Yeah. "Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you." Here you go. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And the "Tight Ass" award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So...come on down. [Angela] No. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I think those might be empty. [Pam] No, no. 'Cause the ice melts and then it's like second drink! [Jim] Second drink? --------------------------------------- [Michael] The "Spicy Curry" award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. [Kelly] "Spicy Curry", what's that mean? [Michael] Um, not everything means something, it's just a joke. [Kelly] Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? [Michael] I don't know, it's just... [Kelly] This is a bowler- [Michael] I know. It's ju- they didn't have any more businessmen. So... [Kelly] Yeah, but everyone else- [Michael] Just sit down Kelly. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's so freakin' hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. Here we go, he's early with the cue. Here we go. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "You have won a tiny Dundie." [Guy at bar] Sing it Elton. [Michael] Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? [Other Guy at Bar] We just came from yo' mama's house. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, alright, yeah. [Guy At Bar] Sing 'em a song dude. [Michael] Uh, you know what guys, we're just having a little office party, so if you want, uh... [Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- [Guy At Bar] You suck man! [Michael] Let's cut it. [Michael] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I'm just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um...thanks for listening, those who listened. This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So... [Michael] There you go. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. [Jim] Yeah, alright Kev. [Pam] Woo! Hey, I haven't gotten one yet! [Jim] Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. [Pam] More Dundies! [Pam and Jim] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! [Everybody] Dundies! Dundies! [Michael] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we'll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. [Pam] Fine work! Fine work Stanley! [Michael] You know you did. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [Stanley] Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don't... [Stanley] So, I don't know what to think about this award. But at least I didn't get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley... [Michael] ...I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. [Michael] It is the "Whitest Sneakers" award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! Oh, here we go. [Pam] I have so many people to thank for this award. [Pam] Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn't have done it without them. Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. [Pam] Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. [Pam] And, I feel God in this Chili's tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! [Michael] Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. Oh! Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] What a great year for the Dundies. --------------------------------------- [Jim] We got to see Ping. And we learned of Michael's true feelings for Ryan. Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. Which for me, has ruined them for life. [Jim] What? [Pam] Nothing. [Jim] Okay. [Pam] What? [Jim] I don't know, what? [Jim] Oh my God! You are so drunk! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. [Dwight] Quick, quick, the woman is having a seizure. Grab her tongue, grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a sheriff's deputy. [Jim] He's a volunteer. [Dwight] Don't get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- [Jim] Dwight come on, come- [Dwight] It's okay, I'm going to use my shirt. [Pam] Dwight, get off me! [Employee] I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. [Dwight] Ahh! I can't- --------------------------------------- [Michael] Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let's see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh my God! [Jim] Whoa. [Pam] I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! [Jim] Whoa. [Jim] Whoa, careful, careful. --------------------------------------- [Chili's Employee] We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Great work tonight. [Dwight] Watch your step. [Michael] Excellent. [Dwight] Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion. [Michael] Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. [Jim] No you don't. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. [Pam] Hey, um, can I ask you a question? [Jim] Shoot. [Pam] Um, I just wanted to say thanks. [Jim] Not really a question. Okay, let's get you home, you're drunk. [Jim] Alright. [Pam] Bye. [Jim] Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e01", "title": "The Dundies"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Christmas Party [Dwight] Go. Get the door. [Michael] Here we are. [Dwight] Go. Push! [Michael] Oh god. [Dwight] Push! [Michael] No, no, turn it around. [Dwight] Really shove it. [Michael] You'll break it. [Dwight] Shove it through! Break it! [Michael] You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don't break the branches, Dwight. [Michael] All right. [Dwight] I got a splinter. [Michael] Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! Nice, huh? [Dwight] I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up. [Michael] On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three. [Dwight] One, two, three. [Michael] Merry Christmas! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Did it work? [Kevin] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big? [Michael] A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. [Kevin] But what are we going to do with this hacked off part? [Michael] Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I'm also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else .. ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. This would take a little too long to explain, so I won't. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Is there anything we're missing? Phyllis, you got the lights? [Phyllis] Yes, I got those cute little ones. Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? [Angela] We'll see. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, pimp. I'm kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting? [Angela] Fifty. [Michael] Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G's. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I'll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive. [Pam] You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party. [Michael] Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody. --------------------------------------- [Kevin & Oscar] One, two, three. [Dwight] You guys should use a hand truck. [Kevin] Do we have one? [Dwight] No. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Will you help me? --------------------------------------- [Michael] No! No way! It... no. [Darryl] Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. [Michael] You wanna be Santa? [Darryl] Yeah. [Michael] Have you ever seen Santa? [Darryl] Yeah, I've seen Santa. [Michael] Okay. [Darryl] Who cares? [Michael] Well, I'm sorry. It just doesn't work. [Dwight] Michael, I would like to be the elf. [Michael] That makes sense because he has elfish features. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael. --------------------------------------- [Toby] I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I .. I got him this shamrock keychain. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't . --------------------------------------- [Michael] You get something good this year? [Jim] I think I did a pretty good job. [Michael] Yeah? Who did you have? [Jim] Well, I can't tell you cause it's a secret. [Michael] I think I got something pretty nice for my guy. [Jim] Yeah? [Michael] I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow. [Jim] Well, there's a $20 limit, right? So .. ? [Michael] Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond. [Jim] That's great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can .. [Michael] It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Gather round. Secret Santa, let's go. Let's go. Come on. Stanley, no, I'm going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons. [Stanley] I know how to plug something in. [Dwight] I want to do it. [Michael] All right, let's count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready? [All] Three, two, one. [Michael] Not great. [Phyllis] I'm sorry, everybody. [Pam] I think the tree looks nice. [Dwight] Hey, I could get some flares from my car. [Michael] No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let's do Secret Santa. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth." --------------------------------------- [Dwight] First present, Oscar. [Oscar] Shower radio. Neat. [Kelly] Oh, good, that was from me. [Oscar] Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of .. [Dwight] Okay. Okay. That's enough. Let's keep it moving on. Jim. [Jim] Oh, cool. [Creed] That's from me. [Jim] Great. Where did you get it? [Creed] I don't know. It was so long ago. --------------------------------------- [Jim] He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number and then threw it in a bag. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Yep. That's exactly what happened. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Pam. [Pam] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It's awesome. [Jim] There's a little more to it. [Dwight] All right, next. Ryan. [Michael] No, don't! [Ryan] Whoa, a video iPod. [Michael] Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away. [Ryan] Wasn't there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks. [Michael] You don't know that. [Ryan] Yeah, you left the price tag on. [Michael] I did? [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right? [Dwight] Michael. [Michael] Oh hey, for me. What is in here? Oh, come on. [Phyllis] I knitted it for you. [Michael] An oven mitt? Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Should we just keep opening up the presents? [Dwight] We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions. [Michael] I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap. [Jim] What is Yankee Swap? [Michael] One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else's gift or choose a new gift. [Jim] I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. [Pam] Yeah, we call it White Elephant. [Michael] Well, I call it fun! [Oscar] Why are we doing this? [Michael] Because it's better. Because it's more special. [Angela] It sounds mean. [Michael] Shut it. No, it's not. Okay, just give it a shot. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, Meredith is up first. Here's the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else's gift that they've already gotten, like the oven mitt. [Meredith] I'll take the teapot. [Jim] Oh, shouldn't we ... I bought that specifically for Pam. [Michael] Yankee Swap! That's what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. [Pam] I'll take the iPod. [Ryan] And I have to give it to her? I don't have a choice? [Dwight] Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift. [Stanley] That was meant for Kelly. [Ryan] Yeah, I figured. [Michael] I think this is going great. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Yikes. [Toby] Well, it's for Angela, so .. [Kelly] That's like, the creepiest thing that I've ever seen. [Dwight] Angela, you're up. [Angela] I'll take the poster. Some people like these. [Kelly] I will steal the iPod. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn. [Oscar] I'll take the ... teapot. [Meredith] Damn it. [Dwight] Okay, moving along. Meredith, let's go. [Meredith] I really want the iPod. [Dwight] It's already been stolen this round. Pick something else. [Michael] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It's beautiful. [Meredith] I'll take the oven mitt. [Michael] Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute." [Dwight] You and me, Michael. Yes! [Michael] Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod? [Dwight] I never said it was better than an iPod. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Take that, Saddam! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Last gift. Kevin. [Kevin] I want the foot bath. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] That's the thing I bought myself. I'm really psyched to use it. Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Pam, steal something or pick the final gift. [Pam] I want the iPod. [Kelly] Damn it. [Jim] Sure you don't want the teapot? [Pam] Well, I mean, it's an iPod. But .. [Jim] Right. [Pam] Sorry, I .. [Jim] No. No. Definitely. It's .. [Kelly] Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories. [Dwight] Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias. [Jim] Got to be kidding me. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets ... Christmas. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What is she so upset about? [Pam] Maybe because you hated her present so much. [Michael] Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it's a success and I'm the one who ended up with Dwight's stupid paintball pellets. [Jim] Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people. [Stanley] And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else. [Michael] Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me! [Oscar] You got a bonus check? [Pam] How much? [Michael] It wasn't. It wasn't that much. It was $3,000. [Stanley] All right, I'm done now. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame. --------------------------------------- [Liquor Store Clerk] It comes to $166.41. [Michael] All right, now, you're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? [Liquor Store Clerk] Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it. [Michael] Cool, cool. Box it up. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it? [Dwight] No trades. [Jim] Come on, it's a shamrock keychain. Good luck. [Jim] Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you? [Dwight] No. I want it. I'm going to use it. [Jim] You don't even drink tea. [Dwight] True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems .. [JIm] Okay .. [Dwight] .. and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. --------------------------------------- [Jim] To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it's a little too much to handle. --------------------------------------- [Roy] This is awesome. [Pam] I know. It's totally going to change the way I work out. [Roy] Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money. [Pam] So what are you going to get me instead? [Roy] I don't know. Probably like, a sweater or something. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty. [Angela] What is that? [Michael] This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze. [Meredith] We can drink? [Toby] We're really not supposed to serve alcohol. [Michael] Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink? [Meredith] Me. Please. [Michael] Go, here we go! --------------------------------------- [Meredith] The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Hi guys. [Ryan] Hey. [Phyllis] Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? [Kevin] Kevin Malone. [Bob Vance] Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. [Stanley] Stanley Hudson. [Bob Vance] Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. [Ryan] Ryan Howard. [Bob Vance] Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. [Ryan] What line of work you in, Bob? --------------------------------------- [Roy] I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man. [Darryl] Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I'm done. [Roy] It's possible. I can't believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man. [Darryl] I had to. I needed defense. [Roy] Come on! Shaun Alexander? He's the best back in the league. [Darryl] It's defense. [Roy] Oh, no. That is not worth it. [Darryl] It is worth it. [Roy] Never. [Darryl] Are you kidding? You wait. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Anybody making out in here? Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. Okay, how's it going in here? [Ryan] We're running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some? [Angela] There should be some .. [Michael] No, no, no, no. We'll find some, don't leave the party. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin] One, two, three. [Michael] Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee. [Ryan] Oh, no. [Michael] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Ryan] I really did not do anything. [Michael] Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know. [Pam] No, I was just checking out my present. [Jim] But .. [Pam] I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so .. [Jim] Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside. [Pam] Oh my god! The yearbook picture! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Yeah, I think I made the right choice. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh, my God! It's incredible. Is this the Boggle timer? [Jim] I didn't think you were going to get that one. I really didn't. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This is so awesome. [Michael] Not bad. And if it couldn't go to Ryan, you are the guy I'd want it to go to. [Dwight] Thank you. [Michael] You're welcome. [Todd Packer] Merry Christmas, asswipe! [Michael] No way. Oh, you're kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen! [Todd Packer] What's up my nerds. Check it out. [Michael] Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake. [Todd Packer] Pacman need a drinky. [Michael] Oh, let's fix you up. Who wants to fix up .. Toby. Toby's gonna fix you up. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Yeahhh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Darryl. There you go. You earned it. [Darryl] That's okay, Mike. [Michael] No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it. [Darryl] All right. Thanks, man. [Michael] Hey, Merry Christmas. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Whose butt is that? [Kevin] Mine. [Ryan] Oh, how did I not guess that? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Lampshade on head! It's happening! --------------------------------------- [Creed] Oh, no. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Hey. [Dwight] Oh, hello there. But what are you doing? [Kelly] I don't know. [Dwight] You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Thanks for the party, Michael. [Meredith] Yeah. [Bob Vance] Oh, hey. Listen up. We're going to Poor Richard's. Who's in? [Oscar] I'm in. [Dwight] Yes. [Oscar] Michael? Poor Richard's? [Michael] Yeah, that sounds good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard's? [Meredith] Yep. [Michael] Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? All right, let's head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat? [Meredith] Yeah. [Michael] Okay!

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e10", "title": "Christmas Party"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Booze Cruise [Jim] Hey. [Dwight] Hello. Jim? [Jim] What's up, buddy? [Dwight] This is not funny. Why is my stuff in here? [Jim] Wow, that's weird. Oh, dollar for a stapler, that's pretty good. [Dwight] Yeah, well, I'm not paying for my own stuff, okay? I know you did this, because you're friends with the vending machine guy. [Jim] Who, Steve? [Dwight] Yeah, Steve, whatever his name is. [Pam] Sorry. What do I want? What do I want... Oh, it's a pencil cup. [Dwight] No, no, no, no, no. That's my pencil cup. [Pam] Um, I don't think so, I just bought it. [Dwight] Uh, I think so, and you're going to hand it over to me. [Pam] I love these. [Dwight] Okay, fine. Where's my wallet? [Jim] Oh, there it is. J1. [Dwight] But I don't have any... [Jim] Here, you know what? You can have some nickels. [Dwight] Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello, everyone. [Dwight] Good morning, Michael. [Phyllis] Where are we going this afternoon? [Michael] Ah! Ha ha ha! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Last week, Michael sent out this mysterious memo. [Jim] "It's time for our first quarter camaraderie event, so pack a swimsuit, a toothbrush, rubber-soled shoes, and a ski mask." [Pam] A ski mask and a swimsuit. [Jim] So that he can have us rob a bank, and then escape through the sewers. [Pam] And brush our teeth. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah? [Stanley] Michael. [Michael] Stanley! Bo banley. [Stanley] I need to know... [Michael] Banana fana fo fanley. [Stanley] What we're doing. [Michael] Be my mo manley. [Stanley] You said bring a toothbrush. [Michael] Stanley. [Stanley] Is this an overnight? [Michael] Maybe. The suspense is just so exciting, isn't it? [Stanley] Should my wife tell her boss she's not coming in tomorrow? [Michael] Maybe, I don't know. [Stanley] Not maybe. Yes or no. [Michael] Well, no. But... okay, don't spoil it for everybody, all right? But we are going on a booze cruise on Lake Wallenpaupack. [Stanley] In January? [Michael] It's cheaper. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is not just another party. This is a leadership training exercise. Right? I'm going to combine elements of fun and motivation and education into a single mind-blowing experience. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It is now time to unveil the destination of this year's retreat. We are going on a harbor cruise of Lake Wallenpaupack. It's a booze cruise! [Meredith] All right! [Ryan] I have a test for business school tomorrow night. Is it okay if I skip the cruise and study for that? [Michael] No. This is mandatory. But don't worry, you know what? You're gonna learn plenty. This is gonna turn your life around, Ryan. [Ryan] I'm already in business school. [Michael] Well, this... [Kelly] Wait, Michael? [Michael] Yeah? [Kelly] Why did you tell us to bring a bathing suit? [Michael] To throw you off the scent. [Kelly] Yeah, but I bought a bathing suit. [Michael] Well, just keep the tags on and you can return it. [Kelly] I took the tags off already. [Michael] Well, that's not my fault, okay? Just.. we're not going to pay for a bathing suit. Okay, I know what you're all thinking, "Who is this smart little cookie?" Her name is Brenda... something, and she is from corporate. And she is here, like you, to learn from what I have to say. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am a great motivational speaker. I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course. You have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course. And I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Leader... ship. The word "ship" is hidden inside the word "leadership," as its derivation. So if this office is, in fact, a ship, as its leader, I am the captain. But we're all in the same boat. Teamwork! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Last year, Michael's theme was "Bowl over the Competition!" So guess where we went. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Now, on this ship that is the office, what is a sales department? Anyone? [Darryl] How about the sales department is the sails? [Michael] Yes, Darryl, the sales department makes sales. Good. Let me just explain. I see the sales department as the furnace. [Phyllis] A furnace? [Jim] Yeesh, how old is this ship? [Pam] How about the anchor? [Phyllis] What does the furnace do? [Michael] All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. This just... it's the sales... I see the sales department down there. They're in the engine room, and they are shoveling coal into the furnace, right? I mean, who saw the movie Titanic? They were very important in the movie Titanic. Who saw it? Show of hands! [Jim] I'm not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right? [Michael] Titanic? [Pam] I think you're thinking of The Hunt for Red October. [Michael] No, I'm Leo DiCaprio! Come on! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Michael stands in the front of the boat and says that he's king of the world within the first hour, or I give you my next paycheck. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Michael, everyone in the engine room drowned. [Michael] No! Thank you, spoiler alert. You saw the movie, those of you who did. They're happy down there in the furnace room. And they're dirty and grimy and sweaty, and they're singing their ethnic songs, and... actually, that might be warehouse. [Darryl] What? [Michael] The... no, no. No, I didn't... okay. Well, okay, in a nutshell, what I'm saying is... leadership. We'll talk more about that on the boat. Ship. [Dwight] Aye aye, Captain. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A three-hour tour, a three-hour tour. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, you are Mary Ann! We have the Professor and Ginger, welcome aboard. Angela, you are Mrs. Howell. Lovey. Uh... the native. Sometimes they come from neighboring... We have one of the Globetrotters, I am the Skipper, and Dwight, you will be Gilligan. [Dwight] Cool. [Captain Jack] Actually, I'm the Skipper. But you can be Gilligan. [Michael] I'd rather die. Hi, I am Michael Scott, I am the captain of this party. [Captain Jack] I am Captain Jack, I am captain of the ship. I'm also captain of anyone who sets foot on the ship. Hi, welcome aboard. [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows? It's nebulose. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, look! I'm king of the world! --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] Okay, all right! Welcome aboard! I am your captain, Captain Jack. [Michael] And I am the regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Michael Scott. Welcome, welcome! [Captain Jack] Okay! So... [Michael] Okay! So... [Captain Jack] Please. The life preservers. [Michael] Right. [Captain Jack] They are located underneath the seats, all along the border of the boat. [Michael] But don't worry, you are not going to be needing life preservers tonight. [Captain Jack] Well, we might, okay? Please let me finish, okay? Thank you. So, the Coast Guard requires that I tell you where the safety exits are. On this ship, it's very easy. Anywhere over the side. Not only am I your ship captain, I am also your party captain! Whoo! We're gonna get it going in just a few minutes here... [Michael] I'm your party captain too! And you are gonna put on your dancing shoes later on! So we are gonna... [Captain Jack] Okay, Michael, if you don't mind... [Michael] Rock it! [Captain Jack] Please, okay? [Michael] If the boat's a-rockin', don't come knockin'! [Captain Jack] Michael. [Michael] Yep. [Captain Jack] Your company's employees are not the only people on the boat tonight, okay? [Michael] We're all gonna have a good time tonight! [Captain Jack] Why don't you let me and my crew do our job. You just sit back and have a good time. All right? [Michael] Hm? Okay. Yep. --------------------------------------- [Katy] You guys, it's like we're in high school and we're at the cool table. Right? [Roy] Yeah. [Katy] Pam, were you a cheerleader? [Roy] No, she was totally Miss Artsy-Fartsy in high school. She wore the turtleneck and everything! [Katy] That's hilarious. [Jim] It's not hilarious, but... [Roy] Where did you go to school? [Katy] Bishop O'Hara. [Roy] Piss slop who cares-a? We played you! You... you really look familiar. Did you... you cheered for them, didn't you? [Jim] Um, no. [Katy] Yes, I did! A-W-E-S-O-M-E! Awesome! Awesome is what we are! We're the football superstars! A-W-E-S-O-M-E! [Roy] I remember that! We crushed you like 42-10! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Having fun? [Brenda] Yeah. Everybody's really nice. [Michael] Good. Well, that is what Scranton is all about. Not like you New Yawkers. [Brenda] When are you going to start the presentation? [Michael] Well, we already sort of started it back at the office and on the dock with the Gilligan thing, so... right now, I was thinking. Yes. Okay, listen up all you Dunder-Mifflinites! I would like to talk to you all about life preservers. Now, one important life preserver in business is IT support. [Captain Jack] Not now, Mike, we're doing the limbo! That's right, partiers, it's time to limbo, limbo, limbo! [Michael] So, okay. [Dwight] Limbo, whoo! [Captain Jack] All right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Who's it gonna be? [Meredith] Me. [Captain Jack] Okay... [Dwight] Me! Me, me, me. [Captain Jack] Uh... usually it's a woman. [Dwight] I'm stronger. [Captain Jack] Hey, I got an idea! How would you like to steer the ship, Dwight? --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] Keep us on a steady course. Keep a sharp eye out. I'm counting on you! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four. And I was great. And I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats. --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] All right, all right, that was great! Now it's time for the dance contest! [Michael] But before that, I have to do my presentation. [Captain Jack] Nope! Dance contest! [Michael] All right, we'll have a motivational dance contest! Hit it! Yeah, okay, dancing! It is a primal art form used in ancient times to express yourself with the body and communicate! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that's always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you have to just be the boss of dancing. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? [Angela] Hey, come inside and talk to me. [Dwight] I can't. Do you want us to run aground, woman?! --------------------------------------- [Darryl and Katy] Snorkel shot! Snorkel shot! [Roy] Whoo! Who's next? Come on, Pam! Come on! Come on! [Pam] No, I'm not going to do that. [Roy] Come on! [Darryl] That's what I'm talking about! [Pam] Hey, why don't we find like a quieter place to hang out? [Roy] I've just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute. Come on! Darryl! Darryl! --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's getting kind of rowdy down there. [Jim] Yeah. Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Pam] Sometimes I just don't get Roy. [Jim] Well... [Pam] I mean, I don't know. So... what's it like dating a cheerleader? [Jim] Oh, um... [Pam] I'm cold. --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] So, what's this presentation all about? [Michael] Ah! See, this is of general interest. It is about priorities and making decisions, using the boat as an analogy. What is important to you? If the boat is sinking, what do you save? [Captain Jack] Women and children. [Michael] No, no. Salesmen and profit centers. [Captain Jack] That's a stupid analogy. [Michael] Okay, well, obviously you don't know anything about leadership. [Captain Jack] Well, I was the captain of a PC-1 Cyclone Coastal Patrol Boat during Desert Storm. [Dwight] Wow. You should be the motivational speaker. [Michael] Okay. [Dwight] Yeah. He gives me real responsibility, Michael. Captain Jack delegates. He's let me steer the ship for the last hour. --------------------------------------- [Katy] I'd like to be engaged. How did you manage to pull that off? [Pam] Uh, I've been engaged for three years, and there's no end in sight. So... you don't wanna ask my advice. --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] Suppose your office building's on fire. Jim, who would you save? [Jim] Um... let's see, uh... The customer. Because the customer is king. [Michael] Not what I was looking for, but a good thought. [Captain Jack] He's just sucking up! [Roy] When you were in the Navy, did you ever almost die? [Captain Jack] Oh yeah, oh yeah. And I wasn't thinking about some customer. I was thinking about my first wife. The day I got back on shore, I married her. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You know what? I would save the receptionist. I just wanted to clear that up. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hello, everybody, could I have your attention for just a second? Could you listen to me for a second? We were up at the front, and we were talking about what's really important, and... Pam, I think enough is enough. I think we should set a date for our wedding. How about June 10th? Come on, let's do it! Come on, Pam! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I don't want to take credit for this, but Roy and I were just having a conversation about making commitments and making choices. Right? Did I motivate you? [Roy] No, it was Captain Jack. [Michael] Well... could have been either one of us, because we were pretty much saying the same thing. Congratulations. That is great! [Captain Jack] We gotta celebrate! Hey, I got an idea, I got an idea. I can marry you right now, as captain of the ship! [Michael] Yes! I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder-Mifflin! [Pam] No, no, I want my mom and dad to be there. [Michael] Then I'll give you away! [Pam] No, thank you. --------------------------------------- [Katy] Do you think that'll ever be us? [Jim] No. [Katy] What is wrong with you? Why did you even bring me here tonight? [Jim] I don't know. Let's break up. [Katy] Whoa. What? --------------------------------------- [Captain Jack] This is where Captain Jack drives the boat. [Meredith] Wow! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the Moon. [Michael] Captain Jack is a fart face. I'm on medication. [Brenda] Really? What? [Michael] Vomicillin. Okay. All right. It's time to be boss. It's time to motivate. Let's blow some minds here. Okay, guys, guys, cool it. Everybody, Dunder-Mifflin Scranton employees, Brenda, I have some very, very urgent news I need to tell everybody right now. Listen up. The ship is sinking! Okay? We're going down, right now. Just wrap your heads around the reality of that. Shh, please! Everybody, it's my turn now, okay? Captain Jack is gone. In five minutes, this ship is going to be at the bottom of the lake! And there aren't enough spaces on the lifeboat! Who are we gonna save? Do we save sales? Do we save customer service? Do we save accounting? This is a business scenario. Right? It's a scary... it's a... [Captain Jack] Hey! Hey! What the hell is going on here? [Michael] It's a predicament, and it's something that each and every one of us has to think about. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm in the brig. See? The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised. What was the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was... if he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now and not all wet. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Is somebody there? [Jim] What happened to you? [Michael] Captain Jack has a problem with authority. [Jim] Oh, right, because you announced that his ship was sinking? [Michael] He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic. [Jim] What a night. [Michael] Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged. [Jim] She was always engaged. [Michael] Roy said the first one didn't count. [Jim] That's... great. You know, to tell the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam, so... [Michael] Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow. I would have never have put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that. You know, I made out with Jan... [Jim] Yeah, I know. [Michael] Yeah? Yep. Well, Pam is cute. [Jim] Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm. And she's just... well, anyway. [Michael] Well, if you like her so much, don't give up. [Jim] She's engaged. [Michael] BFD. Engaged ain't married. [Jim] Huh. [Michael] Never, ever, ever give up. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore. [Michael] It's a fake wheel, dummy.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e11", "title": "Booze Cruise"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Injury [Oscar] ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. [Jim] Yeah, that's right. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [Michael] Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. [Pam] Michael, what's wrong? [Michael] I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! [Pam] Ok, wait wait wait wait... [Michael] Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! [Pam] Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! [Michael] No, I want you to pick me up. [Jim] What? [Pam] Ok... [Jim] What's going on? [Pam] Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. [Michael] I am hurt. I hurt my foot. [Jim] I'm sorry? Pam. [Jim] What is going on? [Michael] I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Michael] OH GOD! [Jim] Hey, whoa, Michael... [Michael] Oh God! [Jim] It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. [Michael] OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, could you come get me?! [Pam] Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. [Michael] Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? [Phyllis] Michael, you should stay home and rest. [Michael] There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? [Kevin] Can you hop? [Michael] I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. [Michael] No one wants to pick me up!? [Dwight] What is going on? What is going on? [Pam] Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. [Michael] I'm not sick! I'm burned! [Dwight] I'm coming Michael! [Jim] Oh... [Dwight] I'm gonna save you! [Michael] Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. [Dwight] Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! [Michael] I don't want Dwight! [Pam] Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? [Michael] I don't have a girlfriend. [Jim] But you said that you went out with her this weekend. [Michael] It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. [Jim] What was that... [Pam] What was that?! [Jim] Oh! [Pam] Ohhhhhh! [Jim] He hit the pole! [Jim] It's broken right, he can't... [Pam] Oh my gosh. [Jim] Oh Dwight, Dwight, Ohhhhhh! [Jim and Pam] Oh my God! [Pam] Is he ok? [Jim] He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! [Michael] Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. [Pam] You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. [Michael] Did you explain why? [Pam] No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. [Michael] Burned my foot, Pam. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. [Jim] So, where are you shipping your foot? [Michael] Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... [Dwight] Your foot? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Thank you. Pam, messages please? [Pam] You didn't have any. [Michael] Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... [Pam] And do my job? [Michael] No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! [Dwight] It slipped. [Michael] What? [Dwight] Sorry. [Pam] It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. [Michael] I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. [Pam] Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. [Michael] No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. [Dwight] Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. [Michael] What? Part of your duties are to what? [Dwight] What? [Michael] You just said "part of your duties are to" something. [Dwight] No, I didn't. [Michael] Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Where is my cornbread? [Ryan] Here you go. [Michael] Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? [Ryan] Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. [Michael] Where are the yams? [Ryan] They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. [Michael] Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? [Ryan] Yes. [Michael] And they had no yams? [Ryan] They had no yams. [Michael] How strange. Because they always have yams. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? [Pam] You've seen one of these? [Dwight] Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. [Pam] Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. [Dwight] Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. [Pam] Really? [Dwight] Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! [Pam] Oh! Ha, haha. [Dwight] Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. [Pam] Pan? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam... PAAAM!? [Pam] Oh, God. [Pam] What. [Michael] Come here please. [Pam] Tell me before I come there. [Michael] I want you to rub butter on my foot. [Pam] No. [Michael] Pam, please? I have Country Crock. [Pam] No. [Michael] Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] These covers are totally indestructible. [Pam] Really? [Dwight] Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Dwight] Oh no, it's broken. [Pam] What?! [Dwight] No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. [Pam] That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! [Dwight] Yep. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! --------------------------------------- [Michael] No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Huh. Do you like candy? [Angela] It's alright. [Dwight] Cause you're sweeter than candy. [Angela] What is wrong with you? [Angela] Hey! --------------------------------------- [Toby] Wow, you just dive right into it. [Ryan] You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. [Michael] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! [Toby] What, what happened? [Michael] I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. [Toby] What do you need? [Michael] Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. [Toby] I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. [Michael] Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. [Toby] Ryan, is, uh, dead. [Michael] No, he's not. [Toby] Dead. [Michael] I just saw him. [Toby] No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. [Michael] Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? [Pam] No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. [Jim] And that isn't weird? [Pam] Wow... [Michael] Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? [Phyllis] Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. [Creed] When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. [Michael] Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. [Stanley] I'm not disabled and neither are you. [Michael] Ok, what does this look like to you Stanley?! [Stanley] Mailboxes, Etc. [Michael] Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. [Phyllis] Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. [Michael] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! [Dwight] Dad? --------------------------------------- [Michael] While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. [Jim] Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? [Ryan] Twice. [Michael] Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia : AIDS. [Kevin] I think that's from Big. [Michael] I don't think so, no. [Kelly] Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia. [Michael] He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here? [Stanley] Uh hmmmm... . [Michael] What you mean uh hmmm... ? [Stanley] I mean I'm learning nothing. [Michael] Ok. [Billy Merchant] Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott. [Michael] Yes, right in here, come on in. [Billy Merchant] Great. [Michael] This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest. [Billy Merchant] Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space. [Billy Merchant] Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park [Michael] You are so brave. You are so brave. [Billy Merchant] Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time... [Michael] But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair. [Billy Merchant] No, I just have a lot of properties to manage. [Michael] Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning? [Billy Merchant] I don't know, like 30 seconds? [Michael] Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me. [Michael] How did you get in your wheelchair? [Billy Merchant] This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Michael] Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny. [Billy Merchant] Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here. [Michael] Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor. [Billy Merchant] Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore. [Michael] Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it? --------------------------------------- [Jim] I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. --------------------------------------- [Billy Merchant] So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... [Michael] Ok... [Billy Merchant] First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? Yes. Yeah? yes... [Pam] Dwight, you have your hand up. [Michael] Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... [Billy Merchant] You know what Michael? [Michael] Yeah... [Billy Merchant] Let me stop you right there. [Michael] Ok. [Billy Merchant] And leave. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. --------------------------------------- [Billy Merchant] What's wrong with that guy? [Jim] You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. [Billy Merchant] No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey! [Ryan] I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! [Michael] You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. [Ryan] You are very welcome. [Michael] Did you get the yams? [Ryan] No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! [Michael] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. [Ryan] You sure? [Michael] Yeh. [Ryan] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. [Dwight] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... [Jim] Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. [Michael] Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. [Angela] He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. [Michael] Why don't you go with him? [Angela] I, barely know him... [Dwight] I want Michael to take me... [Michael] I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. [Meredith] You can take my van! [Michael] Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. [Jim] Fine. [Michael] We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. [Jim] Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. [Dwight] Choo choo choo choo choo choo... [Jim] What are you doing? What, stop... [Dwight] Vietnam sounds. [Jim] Stop, stop, stop, stop. [Dwight] Tired... [Jim] You can't lay down. [Dwight] Want to take a rake... . [Jim] Wake up. [Dwight] Ahh! [Pam] Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. [Jim] I'm just gonna get... [Dwight] Ok, Pam, thanks. [Pam] Get up, get up. [Dwight] You're the best. [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] Just keep him awake. [Dwight] It smells like chicken soup. [Pam] I know. [Dwight] I have to go to the hospital. [Pam] I know. [Dwight] Where we going? [Pam] I just want to say goodbye ok? [Dwight] I'll be back, I mean... [Pam] Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. [Dwight] Why? [Pam] It's just hard to explain. [Dwight] Aw, Pam, you're adorable [Pam] Oh my goodness! [Pam] Come here. [Dwight] Oh, huggy hugs. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Shotgun! [Jim] You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? --------------------------------------- [Michael] The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? [Jim] Well, I think she has a kid. [Michael] Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. [Dwight] Where are we going? [Jim] Come on, get inside. [Dwight] Where are we going? [Jim] We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. [Michael] Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. [Jim] We're going to the hospital, Michael. [Michael] I know, just sayin'. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight, what are you drinking? [Dwight] I found it under the seat. [Jim] Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. [Dwight] I'm thirsty. [Jim] Give the bottle to Michael [Dwight] No! [Jim] Give the bottle to Michael! [Dwight] I'm thirsty! [Michael] Give it to me. [Dwight] No. [Michael] Dwight... You just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired. [Dwight] You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! [Michael] Give it to me Dwight. [Dwight] No. [Michael] Give me the bottle!! [Jim] Will you stop? [Michael] Gimme the bottle, Dwight! [Jim] Michael stop. [Dwight] Mmmmm... [Michael] Just give it! [Jim] Michael stop. [Michael] Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! Gimme the bottle! [Jim] Stop [Dwight] My eyes! [Michael] Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! [Dwight] My eyes! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight, what is your middle name. [Dwight] Danger. [Michael] Something with a "K". [Jim] It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. [Michael] What do I write under "reason for visit"? [Jim] Concussion. What did you write? [Michael] Nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital". [Jim] So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. [Michael] No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Jim] Come on Dwight. [Dwight] Hi Michael! [Michael] Hi Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ahhh. Mweehaa [Michael] Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? [Doctor] A head injury. [Michael] Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. [Doctor] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. [Dwight] What is that? [Michael] Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? [Doctor] Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. [Michael] Ok, what kinda machine is that? [Doctor] Does the skin look red and swollen? [Dwight] That's what she said. [Michael] That's my joke, damnit Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Lab Tech] Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... [Michael] It's ok, they're with me. [Lab Tech] No metal of any kind. [Michael] Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. [Dwight] I don't want to do this. [Michael] Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. [Dwight] Oh. [Michael] Fine. Fine. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. [Jim] Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. [Pam] Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? [Jim] Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. [Pam] I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. [Jim] Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. [Pam] Really? Michael went in with him? [Jim] Uh huh. [Pam] Wow. [Jim] But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. [Pam] Ok, that's uh, good news Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. [Jim] Ok. [Pam] Ok. Bye. [Jim] Bye. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Oscar? [Oscar] What's up, Pam? [Pam] I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. [Oscar] Ok... [Pam] I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. --------------------------------------- [Lab Tech] Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? Stop that. Stop. Stop that.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e12", "title": "The Injury"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Secret [Jim] Not much what's up with you? [Pam] Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. Oh, my God. [Michael] Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me. [Jim] Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? [Michael] What's up-dog? [Jim] Nothin' much what's up with you? [Michael] Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog? [Stanley] I'm on the phone. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog? [Ryan] What's that? [Michael] I don't know, nothin', what's up with you? [Ryan] Huh? [Michael] No, damn it! --------------------------------------- [Kevin] What does that mean? [Michael] What does what mean? [Kevin] The thing you just said? [Michael] Just forget it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog? [Dwight] What's up-dog? [Michael] Gotcha! Oh, God. Crap! Nothin' how ya doing? [Dwight] Good. How are you doing? [Jim] So close. [Michael] Damn it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don't have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a... [Dwight] Empty mind. [Michael] No, that's not... no, that's not what I was going to say. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Meredith, men's room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They're worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar? [Angela] He's out sick. [Dwight] That's unacceptable. [Angela] I agree it's unacceptable. [Kevin] Whhh... What are you guys doing? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael. [Michael] Yes. [Dwight] Oscar is out sick. [Michael] On a Friday? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Can I do some of the talking? [Michael] I will do all the talking. [Dwight] Ok, let him know that I'm here. [Oscar] Hello. [Michael] What difference does it make whether your here? [Oscar] Hello? [Michael] Hi, Oscar its Michael. [Dwight] And Dwight. [Michael] Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather? [Oscar] Yeah I think I came down with the flu. [Michael] Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it's cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic. [Oscar] Yeah, I feel terrible about it. [Dwight] Ask him his symptoms. I'm on Web M.D. [Michael] What are your symptoms? [Oscar] I have the chills. [Michael] Umm, hmmm. [Oscar] I feel nauseous and my heads killing. [Dwight] Checks out. [Oscar] Michael is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed. [Michael] I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you're still sick. So have a great long weekend. [Oscar] I'll just be sleep--- [Dwight] Ok. First impressions? [Michael] He sounded sick. [Dwight] Which is exactly how you'd wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick. [Michael] That's exactly what I was thinking. [Dwight] Question? May I investigate? [Michael] Yeah. Drop what you're doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I bought my veil. [Kelly] Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? [Pam] Ummm... [Kelly] Listen, you don't have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair? [Pam] Ok. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don't know, like loose with big curls and... [Kelly] You'd look like an angel. I'm seriously going to cry. [Michael] Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier. Man, this must be torture for you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world's worst confidant. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey Michael. [Michael] Hey Jim-bag. [Jim] Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That... was... personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great. [Michael] Really? [Jim] Umm, hmm. [Michael] Who else knows? [Jim] Nobody. [Michael] Wow! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can. --------------------------------------- [Michael] My lips are sealed. My lips are sealed... Bangles. [Jim] Alright. Great. Thank you. [Michael] Can you hear me, they talk about us... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I'm no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? [Ryan] Yeah, I think I can handle it. [Ryan] I think. [Dwight] Oh God, here. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, whatcha gettin'? [Jim] I'm going with grape. [Michael] Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night? [Jim] Which one? [Michael] Any of em? So, uh, what's the 411? Any news on the "P" situation? [Jim] I don't know what you mean. [Michael] P-A-M. P-A [Jim] Uh, uh, ok. [Michael] No it's okay, we're talking code. [Stanley] What is? [Michael] Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda? [Jim] I'm going to take off actually. [Michael] Alright, well, cool. Still deciding? [Stanley] Hmm? [Michael] Peach iced tea. You're going to hate it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey Oscar how ya doin'? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's Grrrrrrape! Soda. [Jim] Tony the tiger. You don't hear that much any more. [Michael] Not so much. [Dwight] Ok, what is going on here? [Michael] Nothing. [Dwight] Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim. [Michael] Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets. [Dwight] Ok. So what is the secret Michael? [Jim] Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. [Dwight] Is that true? [Michael] Um, I don't know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is. [Dwight] Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth. [Michael] Ok. [Dwight] I can tell. I won't let you down. [Michael] Good. [Jim] Thanks. [Michael] Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin' for lunch? [Jim] I don't know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room. [Michael] Oh nonsense , no way, no. Why don't, why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat. [Jim] No, that's alright, thank you though. It's, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here. [Michael] Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some 'za. Talk about you know who. [Jim] Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let's go out. That was a good idea. Let's go out. [Michael] I know just he place. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o'clock. Hi. [Dana] Hey I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters. [Michael] We're not worthy. We're not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers. [Jim] Nope we're not brothers. [Michael] I'm his boss actually. And I treat him well. I'm taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants. [Jim] Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks. [Dana] And for you? [Michael] Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast? [Dana] Oh, it's great. It's served with our world famous wing sauce. [Michael] Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Dana] Is that what you really want? [Michael] No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog. [Dana] Great. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Who took all the black ones? [Pam] That's a communal bowl. [Dwight] So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? [Pam] Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don't know. [Dwight] Sniffling how? [Pam] Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle? [Dwight] Three. [Pam] Ok, it was the second one. [Dwight] Ok, good, thank you. That wasn't so hard now was it? [Pam] Nuh-uh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What do you like best about Pam? [Jim] Uh, I really don't want to talk about it. [Michael] Is it her boobs, or... [Jim] Um, she's easy to talk to I guess and she's got a really good sense of humor. [Michael] Really? [Jim] Uh-huh. [Michael] Never get's any of my jokes. [Jim] What about you? [Michael] Her boobs, definitely. [Jim] Wow, that's not what I meant. [Dana] Here you go. [Michael] Oh, thank you. [Dana] And I understand we have a birthday today. [Michael] Ohhh happy birthday Jim! [Dana] Ready girls? Front side. [Hooter's Girls] You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's all about. Whoo, hoo! [Jim] Thank you. [Michael] Woo! Yeah! [Jim] Thanks, thanks Dana. [Michael] Thank you very much. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hilarious. Hey. [Pam] What did you guys talk about? [Jim] Just you know politics, literature. [Pam] I hate you. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. [Michael] Just go to his house and see if he's sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes. [Dwight] Including prep time? [Michael] Just do it. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Expenses. [Kevin] Michael is that a wig? [Michael] No. It's... I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig? [Kevin] No. [Angela] This is from Hooters. [Michael] Yeah, it's a business lunch. [Angela] Did Toby approve this? [Michael] No he did not. I don't need his permission. [Toby] You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uhhh it's ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I put a cigarette through a freakin' quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us. [Toby] I'm not processing this. [Michael] Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related? [Toby] He seems fine to me. [Michael] You're not his friend, you don't know. He is in love with a girl he works with who's engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please? [Kelly] Pam? --------------------------------------- [Phylis] Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy? [Angela] It's nobody's business, Phyllis. Roy. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Jim has got it bad for Pam. [Creed] Oh ho! Which one is Pam? [Kevin] Well she's the... Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? [Michael] You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam... and me. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] As a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so... mystery solved. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Jim, why didn't you tell me you had a crush on Pam? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I don't. Riveting. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey. [Pam] Did you find anything good in your desk? [Jim] Ah, coupon for a free sandwich. [Pam] Score. [Jim] It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago. [Pam] Big day. [Jim] Big day. [Jim] Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. [Pam] Oh. [Jim] Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael. [Pam] Right. [Jim] And seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean. [Pam] No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started. [Jim] Oh you did? [Pam] No, I mean, just 'cause we like got along so well. [Jim] No, no, you saw through me, great. [Pam] So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now? [Jim] Oh yeah, yeah... hope that's okay. [Pam] Mmm, hmm. [Jim] And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it. [Pam] Cool. [Jim] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Stay low... This is it... There he is. He's been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa... Oh yes. Let's roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all. [Gil] Who's this? [Dwight] This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this? [Gil] Gil. [Oscar] Are you going to tell Michael? [Dwight] How bout this. I don't tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey. [Michael] I know, I know, I know. [Jim] Umm, what happened? [Michael] I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just... I know. I'm just, I just hope that, I just hope that this doesn't affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid. [Jim] Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it's, you know what. It's not a big deal. [Michael] Ok, I'm fine, no I know, I'm good, I'm good, it's just. [Jim] Look its one day, everything's gonna be alright. No big deal. You good? [Michael] Yeah I'm good. [Jim] Good. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Creed did you organize the menu book? [Creed] Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. [Ryan] No, that was mandatory. [Creed] Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, here's your schedule for next week. Are you okay? [Michael] Yeah I'm fine. Look, about you and Jim. [Pam] Oh, no, that's, you don't have to. [Michael] No, I feel it's my responsibility as your boss slash friend. [Pam] No, really, it's okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so. [Michael] It wasn't that long ago. It was on the booze cruise. [Pam] Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? [Michael] Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I'm done. That's it. I'm out. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ready? [Pam] Yep. --------------------------------------- [Michael] People are always coming to me. "Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust." No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a... Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call... More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don't, I don't want to live like that. I like it here. I don't want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e13", "title": "The Secret"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Carpet [Ryan] What? [Jim] Oh, nothing. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Pam's on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it'll be nice to see her. It'll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh... June. Summer. So, that'll be nice. And that's that. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] What? [Jim] Oh, nothing. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Jim's been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Spamster! [Pam] Um, Pam plus Spam plus...? [Michael] Hamster. [Pam] Right. [Michael] Welcome back! How was your vacation? [Pam] It was great. [Michael] Yeah? [Pam] Mm-hm. [Michael] Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! [Pam] What? [Michael] Wow! What happened in there? [Pam] I don't know. [Michael] There is stink in there, my God! What is... what is that? [Pam] Oh... I don't know. [Michael] Is it a bird? [Pam] No, I don't think it's a bird. [Michael] Oh, God! How could that happen? How could... right in the middle of the carpet. [Kevin] What's goin' on? [Michael] Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. [Kevin] I don't think that's vomit. [Michael] Check it out. [Kevin] Me? [Michael] Check it out. Don't be a wuss, just get... no, I'm not holding your coffee. [Kevin] Oh, that's ridiculous. [Michael] What is it? [Kevin] Michael. [Michael] What is it? No, just tell me what it is. [Kevin] Michael, I ... I ... I gotta get outta here. I can't hold my breath that long. [Pam] Open the door up! --------------------------------------- [Pam and others] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [Michael] I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. [Toby] That's no burst pipe. [Michael] How do you know that? What is it, then? [Creed] Hi guys. Somebody makin' soup? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [Dwight] It's still stinky. [Michael] That is worse. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um... I can't stand it , I can't stay in here another second. No! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey! Welcome back! [Pam] Thanks! [Jim] So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? [Pam] A little. [Jim] Good! What's goin' on here? --------------------------------------- [Jim] What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] It wasn't me. Um... it wasn't me. It was not me. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Oh. Wow. [Michael] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. [Jim] That might be a little difficult with the one computer. [Michael] Oh... It's ... [Jim] But there's definitely a desk open in the back. [Michael] Yeah ... [Jim] ...which I guess I'll be taking. [Michael] No, no, no! Seriously, I don't mind sharing. [Jim] No, no, no, seriously, I'll be in the back. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Kelly. [Kelly] Are you moving back here? [Jim] Um, just for the day while Michael's at my desk. [Kelly] Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. [Jim] Allergy to... the desk? [Kelly] Weird. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. [Dwight] Ha ha ha... the old bullpen. [Michael] Don't ape me. [Dwight] Okay. [Michael] This is great. [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] The pressures of my office are insane. [Dwight] Mm. [Michael] I just... you couldn't understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. [Dwight] No way! [Michael] Yeah. [Dwight] And who had your office? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ed Truck. Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, "Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work." What a jerk. He's... You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] I'm serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren't all hangers like that big? So I don't understand why the closet engineer didn't think of that. So now I'm doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit... --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know who used to sit at that desk? [Dwight] That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? [Michael] Mm-mm. Todd Packer. [Dwight] No! [Michael] Yeah. [Dwight] I thought he was out on the road. [Michael] He was, but, uh... that desk was empty. He'd come in and sit there sometimes. [Dwight] Ah. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. [Stanley] Excuse me one second, please. What is it that you need right now that you can't wait until I'm off the phone with a customer? [Michael] Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Another time, Packer held this guy's head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn't hired. --------------------------------------- [Creed] What did you hit me for? [Michael] Charley horse! [Creed] What? [Michael] Charley horse! [Creed] You shouldn't have hit me, Michael. [Michael] Oh, okay. Gah. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. It was hysterical. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones... [Ryan] Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. [Jim] It's the lever on the side. [Ryan] That's what I told him. Thanks. [Kelly] Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? [Jim] No, I don't think I can... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight. [Dwight] Michael. [Michael] Let's send up Accounting. [Dwight] What? [Michael] Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey guys. [Oscar] Hey, Michael. [Michael] Ahem. What's up? [Oscar] Hey, Dwight. [Michael and Dwight] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] Yeah! Oh ho ho [Dwight] Should we help 'em pick up their stuff? [Michael] No, no, no, no. We don't do that. We don't do that. [Dwight] Okay. [Michael] Watch out, Pam. You're next! [Pam] You're gonna throw my things on the ground? [Michael] Maybe! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] What happened in Michael's office was wrong. I understand it , it makes sense But it... it was still wrong. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don't know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn't do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hello, am I the 107th caller? Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? I'm totally gonna win us that box set. [Michael] Stop. [Dwight] Jethro Tull... [Michael] Stop it. Stop. It. Don't. Don't. [Dwight] I need to make a sales call. Please? [Michael] All right. [Dwight] Am I the 107th caller? --------------------------------------- [Pam] ...back so soon. [Roy] We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. [Pam] Yeah, right. [Roy] Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President's Day or something. [Pam] Yeah, that's right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] But it's so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. 'Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Are you kidding? [Roy] No. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hi, guys. [Angela] We haven't finished getting things in order from your last visit. [Michael] I'm just walking around. [Angela] Were you? [Michael] Well, yeah. [Oscar] It's just that we're really swamped over here, Michael. [Michael] Oh, and I'm not? Why would you say that? Because I'm having fun? You guys just are workin' for the weekend, aren't you? I'm workin' for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we're gonna do. I'm gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I'm gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I'm going to ... ... I'm gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim's clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we? [Phyllis] You're gonna compete against us? [Michael] Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! [Dwight] It is so on! [Michael] God, this is gonna be fun. [Dwight] Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! --------------------------------------- [Michael] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. Yes! Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That's my sale! [Darryl] What... What's that? Whatcha doing? [Michael] Nothing. [Roy] I think he's dancing. [Michael] No. Just ... [Darryl] That was definitely not dancing. [Michael] You know what, guys? It's none of your concern. It was official business, so just... [Darryl] Paper business. [Michael] Yeah, paper business. Is this done? [Roy] Nope. [Michael] Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Somebody did something bad to Michael's carpet. Maybe that's all we need to know. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Who do you think did it? [Oscar] Are you kidding? I thought it was you. [Creed] Really? I thought you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We're... we're not... we're not doin' this today. [Pam] That doesn't seem fair. [Michael] You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I'll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just... I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. [Dwight] But you're the one who picked today. [Michael] I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I'm talkin' about. [Stanley] That's not what a hate crime is. [Michael] Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I... you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we'd be done . Very well. Then you are all punished. [Pam] What's our punishment? [Michael] You're all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. No. NO! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey! [Ryan] What's up? [Jim] Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It's actually little awkward. [Ryan] What? [Jim] What do you think of Kelly? [Ryan] I don't know. Depends if you like a little junk in ... Umm... She's really cool. [Jim] Are you interested in her? [Ryan] Yeah, totally. [Jim] Really? [Ryan] Did she say something? [Jim] She said lots of things. [Ryan] Do you know if she's looking for a long-term thing or if she'd be cool just hangin' out? [Jim] I have no idea. [Ryan] Can you find out? [Jim] Yeah. Sure. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together... but don't tell him that, okay? Just tell him I'm, like, up for anything. I mean, I'm not a slut, but who knows? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Do you remember Ed Truck? [Creed] Sure. He hired me. How's he doing? [Michael] How would I know? [Creed] I thought you might. [Michael] My biggest fear is turning into him. [Creed] Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. [Michael] I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin' back. [Ed] Yeah. Should we go upstairs? [Michael] Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don't wanna be up there right now. [Ed] So, what's the problem with my pension? [Michael] Oh, no, no, no. You're good. It was clerical. You're good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. [Ed] Well, what was done? [Michael] I didn't get a good look at... it, but it smells horrible. [Ed] Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. [Michael] Really? [Ed] Yeah. [Michael] Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? [Ed] You can't expect to be friends with everybody. [Michael] Well... s-sure I can. [Ed] No. They'll always think of you as a boss first. [Michael] Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. [Ed] I'm not sure that ever happens. [Michael] Well, okay. Different management styles. [Ed] Why can't your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don't have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, "Uh... no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney." --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail 'cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh... give me a call back, I hope. I'll talk to you later. Bye. [Kelly] You just asked a girl out on the phone! [Jim] Yep. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes. [Todd Packer] Hello, yes. I'm looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. [Michael] Who is this? How did you get this number? [Packer] Your mom, you gay nerd! [Michael] Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin'? [Todd] Hey, did you get that package I left for you? [Michael] Uh... no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? [Packer] It was pretty big. [Michael] Really? [Packer] Yeah. [Michael] Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? [Packer] Left it in the middle of your office. [Michael] Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? [Roy] You mean the thing? [Michael] Are you kidding me? Oh! [Packer] Special delivery! [Michael] That was Packer! Oh, you're... you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar... Oh, God! Of course it was you. [Packer] Sit on the throne, Michael. [Michael] Oh. Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! --------------------------------------- [Michael] It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don't expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It's ah... God, these people are so... these are good people. We have fun. We just have fun! Oh, I'm just so sorry that I threw the thing out. --------------------------------------- [Jim's voicemail] You have seven unheard messages. [Pam] Hey, Jim. It's Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael's there and it's horrible. Anyway, I'm bored. Come back! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can't see Michael's head. It's working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I'll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is ... okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would've happened, so thank you. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, what's that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I'm not messing this up, so I'll see you tomorrow. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Calling from my cell phone. I don't know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael's carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e14", "title": "The Carpet"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Boys & Girls [Jan] So, I'm happy to be here. It's very nice to see all of you. You're all looking well. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Today's a 'women in the workplace' thing. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about... um... I don't really know what. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Women today, though we have the same options as men, we often face a very different set of obstacles in getting there. So... [Michael] Hey, what's going on? [Jan] Michael... I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here. [Michael] Yeah... I... You know what... I... I... I just thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say. [Jan] What are you doing? [Michael] Hold... Just hear me out. What is more important than Quality? E-Quality. Now studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal woman, as I call her, is at a crossroads... [Jan] Michael. [Michael] No, just uh... you have come a long way, baby. But I just... just want to keep it within reason. [Jan] Michael. [Michael] They did this up in Albany... [Jan] You are not allowed in this session. [Michael] And they ended up turning the break room into a lactation room which is disgusting so... [Jan] Now you're really not allowed in this session. [Michael] Well, I'm their boss, so I feel like... [Jan] I'm your boss. [Michael] Anybody want any coffee or... [Jan] We're fine, Michael. We just need you to leave, please. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Women in the workplace... yeah, translation "I have been banned from my own conference room so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls." Oh! Sorry. 'Women of the workplace.' About what? I don't know. Clothes. Me. Eeegkh! --------------------------------------- [Jan] Ladies, I am so, so sorry. Can we start again? We were on such a roll. I... I... really apologize. [Pam] Jan. [Jan] Yes, Pam? [Pam] Michael's still at the door. [Jan] Michael! --------------------------------------- [Jan] So one obstacle is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women. Men who are assertive will be admired. They're called... anyone? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] It's a terrible idea. [Jim] What is? [Dwight] Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, first of all, I, uh, just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Let's just clap. Ready? Yeah! Yeah! [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] That's what I'm talking about! [Jan] I don't know what you're doing here, Michael, [Michael] Just having a little 'guys in the workplace' thing. [Jan] ... but it's very destructive. [Michael] Why can't boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable? [Jan] Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael? [Michael] We have nowhere else Jan. This... [Dwight] We could do it in the warehouse. [Jan] Dwight, excellent idea. Go to the warehouse. [Michael] OK, OK, Fine. Yeah, actually, perfect. Perfect. You know what? There's another side to this place, gentleman. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office. But do you realize that underneath us, there's another world. The warehouse world. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life. Life. The bowels of the office. These guys are down there, they are real men doing real man's work. We are going to learn how a warehouse works. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, I think it's going to work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job. And I haven't been there in months. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Remember on Lost when they met the Others? --------------------------------------- [Jan] I'm so sorry about that... um... so where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes then? [Pam] Mmmhmm. [Jan] Please? Thank you. very much. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So let's meet the warehouse! Let's get some shots. Pan around there. This is Darryl, one of our warehouse staff. Darryl, what is your biggest fear? [Darryl] My biggest fear is that someone will distract us from getting all the shipments out on time. [Michael] You know, Darryl is actually the Foreman here and not Roy, which is cool. There's Roy riding the big rig. So Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer. And... uh, she's our receptionist. Sort of a Brangelina thing. [Roy] Why? [Michael] Brangelina is the Brad Pitt and Angelina... Roy... [Roy] I don't understand. [Michael] Roy and Pam. It's a Ram. It's a Ram thing. [Kevin] I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up. [Jim] Thanks for the head's up, Kev. [Kevin] I've got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uhhuhhuh. Just in case there's someone down here who shouldn't be. A little "Good Will Hunting" situation. All right. Troops. This is an important day. Big day. Now you may look around and see two groups here. White collar. Blue collar. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at. I will start. I am good at public speaking. [Meredith] Hi. I'm Meredith and I'm an alch... good at supplier relations. [Jan] Great. Phyllis? [Phyllis] I'm good at computer stuff, emails, spreadsheets, all that. [Angela] Really? [Phyllis] I don't know. I thought that I wasn't going to be asked that... [Jan] No. Okay. Stop. Go on... [Angela] I've seen some of your spreadsheets. [Phyllis] Really? I thought they were pretty... --------------------------------------- [Pam] I don't know how I fit in with these women. Here. Or with Jan. Um... I mean we get along great. Fine. Um... I guess the person I have the most in common with is... --------------------------------------- [Roy] Jim... Halpert. Hey uh, I, uh, you know heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam. [Jim] Oh, no, no. No. [Roy] No, it's cool, because I know you're a good guy. And I know that that crush ended a long time ago, so... you know. We're cool, right? [Jim] Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Definitely. [Roy] You know, it's great with me cause that way, glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with. She's not all bap bap bap bap when she gets home. [Jim] Yeah. I like talking to her too. [Roy] So, we're cool, right? [Jim] Yes. Yeah. [Roy] All right. [Jim] Yep. Cool, man. [Roy] Sweet. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Hey, Mike, look. How bout we go upstairs, too. You know learn how the office works. We can all switch places today. [Michael] Oh... well... okay... yeah, you know what? I don't think... You.. You're... My job sucks compared to this. I don't think you'd like it up there. [Darryl] The experience... [Michael] Guys! Want to start unloading the truck? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Okay. Let's go. Step up. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Check this out! Look at that! Look at that bwup-bwa! Hello! How are... Oh! Kay. That is great. That is good stuff. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] In five years, I'd like to be... five years sober. [Jan] That is an excellent goal. [Meredith] Four and a half. [Kelly] I'll tell you one thing. I am not going to be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan. [Jan] Great! Uh-huh? [Kelly] I want an SUV... with three rows of seats. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Well, I'll be honest. One of the goals of these women seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts. Women who could be a valuable addition to our Corporate life. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael wants us to bond so we need topics for conversation. [Jim] Ponies. [Dwight] No. [Ryan] How about rainbows? [Dwight] No. [Jim] Flowers. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] It's dangerous, Michael. Come on, get off this. [Michael] Hey, you're going to, going to hurt yourself. [Darryl] Mike. [Michael] Stand clear. [Darryl] Mike. Get off of the lift. Please. Come on now. [Michael] I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm fine. [Darryl] Look, would ya... look. [Michael] Oh, oh, oh! We'll get somebody to clean that up. [Darryl] We're the ones that got to clean that up! [Lonny] Dammit, Michael! [Michael] We ought to have this thing serviced. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So! Guy's gripe session. Here we are. Now, we definitely live in different worlds but we have a lot in common. We even like the same girls, some of us. That's going to happen, you know. We're guys, so... [Madge] Hey, do you want me to go? [Michael] No, why? Why would I... ? You could... [Madge] I'll go. [Michael] Stay or... --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] ...and a big walk-in closet. [Meredith] Oh, that's part of my dream too. [Kelly] Oh, me too. [Jan] Great, great. And Pam, what about you? What is your dream? [Pam] Well... I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs. Plant flowers on it... stuff like that. Since I was a girl. Um... More seriously though, a husband that I love... Roy. And I love to draw. And I... I did a little in college and I'd still love to do something where I could work with art or graphic design in some way. [Phyllis] She's real good. [Pam] Thanks. [Jan] You know the company is offering a design training program in New York. [Pam] Well... I have a job right now, so I can't really take time off... [Jan] Well, it's only on weekends and then a few weeks in New York, but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out. [Pam] Well... it's just that the weekends aren't good because, um... [Jan] There are always a million reasons not to do something. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Let's start with the Warehouse. What bothers you as guys, you know? [Darryl] My priority is safety. [Michael] OK. [Darryl] So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here speeding around on a lift, playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin. [Michael] OK, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah shhh... [Darryl] Uh uh uh. Don't shush me. [Michael] I... That was just... [Darryl] That bothers me too. [Michael] I was breathing. [Roy] Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy. [Michael] I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing! What the... ok... what is our beef as human men. [Lonny] You know that's a good question, Hasselhoff. What bugs us? [Michael] OK. Alright. Good. Guys ragging on each other. That's what guys do... and we love it. --------------------------------------- [Jan] All right. Let's talk about clothing. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] I'm excited about today. I love girl talk. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. All right. You can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be. --------------------------------------- [Angela] I'm not gaining anything from this seminar. I'm a professional woman. The head of accounting. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And, apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore. --------------------------------------- [Roy] I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants every weekend night and then they're like "When are we going to go on a date-date?" [Guy] I hate that too! [Darryl] I hate that too. [Kevin] That sucks so much. [Guy] It totally sucks. [Dwight] Yeah and then they make you drive them to Church the next morning. Like "Gas ain't free!" [Lonny] Yeah, on our salaries, man, what do they expect? You know to take us out every weekend? You know what I mean? We're not millionaires. [Michael] I feel you. [Darryl] No, you don't. You don't feel us. How can you? You know what? [Dwight] Not literally. [Darryl] You say we're the same, but we get compensated very differently. [Michael] Yes. [Darryl] We work the same hours as you and you just said we work a lot harder [Michael] Ah, you do. So... [Darryl] But we get paid a lot less. [Dwight] Word. [Roy] Like next to no benefits. [Michael] I know. God! What is that? [Roy] Exactly. [Michael] It blows. It blows, man. Gah... [Darryl] You know this would not happen if we had a union. [Roy] That's what I'm talking about. [Michael] No. Whoa, whoa. Yeah. [Roy] Absolutely. [Darryl] That's what we need. [Guy] You know you're right. [Darryl] Man, see... That's what I've been sayin', man. We need to do this finally. [Michael] You know what? Is that necessary? Because you already sorta have a union... of guys. [Darryl] It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this. Roy? You still have that card from the Dockworker's Union? [Roy] In my truck. [Michael] Dockworker's? [Darryl] Man, hook you up. [Guy] Come on, man. [Michael] Yeah. You know what? I think the problem is the chicks. [Darryl] Union! Union, yeah. [Michael] The problem is the chicks. And you gotta blame them. [Darryl] Are you with us Mike? [Michael] Yeah-es. [Darryl] Welcome to the warehouse. [Group chant] Michael, Michael, Michael, Mi... --------------------------------------- [Jan] Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women. I'm sure that all of you have felt that before... [Michael] This is important. Ladies, take a breather. Jan, I uh wanna... Can I help you? Um... I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union. And they have some good points... [Jan] What? A union! What... [Michael] Don't get hysterical. [Jan] I'm not... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Let's... be... rational... here. What are the pros? What are the cons? [Jan] The cons are that everyone will lose their job. Michael. Everyone. Office, Warehouse. What do you think... the... pros... are... here? [Michael] Don't talk to me that way please. Just... they're going to want to hear this from you. [Jan] You got yourself into this Michael, so you get yourself out. [Michael] But we're bonding down there! [Jan] That's too bad. [Michael] I mean I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not going to want to hear. [Jan] I don't want to... [Michael] Ok. Come on Jan. After all we've been through... [Jan] Michael! Michael! Michael! [Michael] We have a history... [Jan] Michael. [Michael] ...between us. [Jan] Don't say another word. [Michael] I won't [Jan] Get yourself down stairs. [Michael] I'm just saying we have something... Ok. Whatever. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] You know what... we could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line. [Stanley] This here is a run-out-the-clock situation. Just like upstairs. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Sports metaphors are one of the ways women feel left out of the language of the office. Now, I know this might sound silly but a ... many women ask to go over it. So... Fumble means... [Phyllis] Mistake. [Meredith] Slip. [Jan] Right. Par for the course is a golf term. It means right on track. Below par means worse. Wait... that should mean better, that doesn't make sense. [Kelly] What about second base? Like if Michael said that he got to second base with you? Does that mean you like closed a deal? [Jan] Excuse me? [Kelly] I mean that's a baseball term, right? [Jan] I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] ...and you went to Chili's and he got to second base with you. [Jan] Kelly, I don't know what Michael's talking about. [Kelly] He told everybody so I just want to know is that a baseball term... [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey! [Pam] How's it going down there? [Jim] It's a complete... well, actually it's exactly what you'd expect, so... How are the girls? [Pam] Good. We watched a video about our changing bodies. [Jim] Did you really? [Pam] No. [Jim] Oh. [Pam] Almost. [Jim] Good. [Pam] Um... but hey? Something kind of cool. There's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about. She made it sound, like, really great. [Jim] Nice. Well, what's it all about? [Pam] Um... [Jim] I think you should do it. That's great! [Pam] It's really cool. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Cold front coming into the Warehouse. Uh oh! Better put on your ski boots! Woohoohoowoo. Waaaah! Happy New Year, Darryl! Hey,Darryl. You ever done this? --------------------------------------- [Angela] Are you married? [Jan] I'm divorced. [Phyllis] That must have been hard. [Jan] It was. Yes. [Kelly] You were probably feeling really depressed and sad and that's why you did that thing with Michael. [Jan] I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers and less time on personal stuff. [Phyllis] Mmmm, I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck. [Angela] At least you don't have kids. You have no kids, right? Thank God. [Jan] Okay. Let's take five. I think we can all use five. [Kelly] How can someone so beautiful be so sad? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hi. [Jan] Did you take care of the situation? [Michael] Yuh, yuh, yes! I... I have essentially... [Jan] Excuse me. [Michael] I have essentially. Yes. I've taken some... [Jan] Excuse me. I've been told there's been some interest in forming a Union and that Michael supported it. Obviously he's not a friend of yours because he didn't tell you the facts. So let me. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch, I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that . They unionized in Pittsfield and we all know what happened in Pittsfield. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures just to send a message. If you have any further questions you can direct them to... to Michael. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice but... um... I don't know. It was just something I read in this book when I was twelve. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom and she planted flowers on it and I just loved that. Just always kind of stuck with me. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So you're not doing it. [Pam] How did you know? [Jim] Why not? [Pam] Just like no big reason. Just a bunch of little reasons. [Jim] Come on. [Pam] Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's going to lead to anything anyway. [Jim] Roy said that. [Pam] What? You have something you want to say? [Jim] You got to take a chance on something sometime, Pam. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always? [Pam] Oh, excuse me! I'm fine with my choices! [Jim] You are? [Pam] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's impractical. I'm not going to try to get a house like that. Um... they don't even make houses like that in Scranton. So, I'm never going to... . --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm just going to put this over there. [Darryl] This is not a good idea right here. [Michael] You did uh... okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey. Um... look guys, I'm sorry. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch. [All the Men] Generalized mumbling agreement. Yeah. [Michael] Hey, watch it, watch it. We have a relationship. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Thank you to our hosts. [Darryl] Hey Michael. This ain't over. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ahhh! Excellent. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Is it good to be back. Yeah. I mean I love the guy stuff but to run an office you need men and women. You know why? Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension to keep things interesting. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh... hold, please.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e15", "title": "Boys & Girls"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Valentine's Day [Pam] I really like Valentine's Day in this office. It's kinda like grade school. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff. Like last year, Jim gave me this card, with Dwight's head on it, it was horrifying and funny and... --------------------------------------- [Pam] Phyllis. [Delivery man] Would you sign here? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Roy and I are saving for the wedding, so I made him promise not to get me anything too big. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] "Happy Valentine's Day darling. Love Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration." [Phyllis] Isn't he sweet? [Meredith] Yeah. Wow. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Alright Dwight, as you know I am heading to New York today. Doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO. [Dwight] And you want me to come with you. [Michael] Nope. The opposite of that. [Dwight] I will stay here and run things on this end. [Michael] Ok, good. [Dwight] Question. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York? [Michael] I probably will, why do you ask? [Dwight] Well... It's Valentine's Day, and you guys, you know... [Michael] Yeah. [Dwight] Screwed. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us. Her words, not mine. She sent me an email this morning. But, it is Valentine's Day. It's New York. City of Love. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, Pam. You heart N.Y., right? You want me to pick you up anything? [Pam] That's OK. [Michael] Alright. [Oscar] The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO. [Michael] Dude, I'm gonna nail it. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. Fuggedaboudit! See ya! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So I broke up with Katy and haven't been dating anybody else, so this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day. It's gonna be good. I invited a couple of friends over. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lotta money. Because, they're idiots. It's gonna be great. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What's this? What is this? [Dwight] Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose? [Jim] It was there when I sat down. [Dwight] Happy Valentine's Day. It's me. I'm the bobble head. Yes! Ahh! --------------------------------------- [Michael] The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to New York little bit early and hit some of my favorite hunts, like right here, is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I'm gonna go get me a New York slice. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey Kelly. What's up? [Kelly] Nothing. Oh except, oh my God Jim. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up. It was awesome. [Jim] OH, that's great. I'm really happy for [Kelly] And it was so funny 'cause we were at this bar with his friends and I was sitting next to him the whole night and he wasn't making a move, so in my head I was like "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me. And I didn't know what to say. [Jim] Wow. [Kelly] So I said, "Ryan, what took you so long?" And I just said that to him, can you believe that? [Jim] Wow. [Kelly] Oh my God, Jim, is that embarrassing? I'm embarrassed. [Jim] No, don't be. [Kelly] Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim, you will not believe. [Jim] I bet. [Kelly] So nervous, but now -- now I have a boyfriend. [Jim] Alright. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I hooked up with her on February 13th. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you're in it. Most people when they come to New York, they go straight to the Empire State Building, that's pretty touristy. I come here. Great places to eat. We have Bubba Gump Shrimp, Red Lobster down there. Ya know. This is, this is the heart of civilization, right here. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Woah. [Pam] Guess what? [Phyllis] Really, Oh, they're from Bob again. [Pam] That's great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Everybody takes the subway in New York. It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is the world famous Rockefeller Center. Founded, of course by Theodore Rockefeller. This is a skating rink and I think the Rangers practice there sometimes and it's, that's Tina Fey . That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live. Hello? Hello, hi? OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were , OK, I thought that was. She, she looked a lot like Tina Fey. Hello, hello, I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So... Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Tina Fey? Come on! And are you, argh. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hello Angela. Did you hear, somebody rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten. [Angela] Really? I wouldn't know anything about that, but I'm glad you enjoyed it. [Dwight] Oh I did. I did. [Angela] I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day. [Dwight] Oh, I bet you will before the day is over. [Angela] Really? Well, I hope I do. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine. Work for corporate, with Jan. It'd be awesome. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs. Scranton is great, but New York, is like Scranton on acid, no on speed, no on steroids. OK, umm, I think, that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back, should be back this way. There's a lotta pressure on me right now. It's like Michael Jordan, in the NBA finals. Or, like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf, and this presentation is desert storm and as soon as it's over, we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore. Let's do it. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Nah that's alright. Spend money on her, instead of giving it to us. That's fine. No, I didn't even have a seat for you anyway. Yeah, hahaha, alright man, have a good night. Bye. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Woah, woah [Delivery man] Phyllis Lapin. [Pam] OH, Holy God! [Delivery man] It's from Bob. [Kevin] Man, that thing's bigger than I am. [Delivery man] No, it's not. [Kevin] Oh zip it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There they are. What's up? Hey hey. [Craig] Hey. [Josh] Michael Scott. [Michael] Josh Porter, high five. Bam. [Josh] You know Dan Gore from Buffalo. [Michael] Yeah, how ya doing? Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers. [Craig] What's up buddy? [Michael] You have been kicked out of every strip club in Albany, is that true? [Craig] Guilty, yeah. [Michael] So what's going on? What I miss? [Josh] Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for the presentations. [Michael] Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Pam. Hi, How ya doing? Good. Listen, uh may I speak with you... privately? [Pam] You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here. [Dwight] No, Pam, Just. Just, --------------------------------------- [Pam] You need to get something for your girlfriend. [Dwight] Girlfriend. Yes, and the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person - who shall remain nameless - is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day. She's kind of... [Pam] Tightly wound? [Dwight] (smirking) Exactly. [Pam] Ok, well, sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know, like what it means, instead of what it is. [Dwight] You mean, like a ham? [Pam] No, not like a ham. It's about doing something, so that the person knows that you really care about her. [Dwight] Ok, I get it. [Pam] That you remember her. [Dwight] Ok, shut up. I know exactly what to do. --------------------------------------- [Josh] What about you, Craig, you lose anyone? [Craig] Oh man, Jan, called me in September and said "You gotta fire four people," and I was just like, "What?" Ya know? [Josh] Did you? [Craig] No, I just ignored her. She's the worse. [Josh] She is our boss. [Craig] She ain't my boss dude. I don't work for that bitch. [Michael] Ay, Kay. Come on, you know, that's not. Cool it. [Michael] Maybe because she's my girlfriend. Was, or not my girlfriend. She's... we hooked up and... [Josh] You hooked up with Jan? [Michael] You know, months ago, just once, It's, just stupid. Just forget it, [Josh] Yeah, let's change the subject. [Michael] Yeah, yeah. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] I don't know what he's thinking, but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever. [Jim] Take it slow. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time things like that need... [Ryan] Soda. [Kelly] Cool. Hey, so... do you want to... do something tonight? Or... [Jim] Oh, no, not while I'm here. [Kelly] I mean, I know it's Valentine's Day, or whatever, but there's totally no pressure at all, of any kind. What so ever. So... [Ryan] I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends. [Kelly] OK, That's cool. I completely understand. [Ryan] Cool. Cool. OK. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Josh Porter, Stamford. [David] David [Josh] Nice to meet you. [Jan] And Michael Scott, Scranton. [David] Nice to meet you. [Michael] Ditto. How are you Jan? [Jan] Fine Michael. Thank you. [David] OK. So we are in the process of doing a complete review of the company's financial strengths. All I'd like to do today is to... --------------------------------------- [Jan] Nervous, no I'm not nervous. Well, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous. Umm, the new CFO is judging me on this too, and well, it is Michael, so. Yeah, I'm very nervous. --------------------------------------- [Josh] So with the twelve new local accounts, we had a total of four percent organic growth, which was just above our pre-year targets. [David] Thanks very much. [Josh] Thank you. [David] OK, Michael. [Michael] What is a business? Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports? Sure. But as you know, David and Jan, it is much more. [Michael] Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania. And that's the way we like it. Because at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, we're not just in the paper business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make the Scranton branch so special. This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesman. An African-American father of two, Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our bases on. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And finally, Pam Beesly. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. As the receptionist, Pam is truly the gateway to our world. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes. Or try on Phyllis' pants. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home. [Michael] Questions? --------------------------------------- [David] Wow. OK, OK, thank you Michael, that was great. [Michael] Yes, thank you. [David] But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the branch's performance, so do you have that information as well? [Michael] Yes, absolutely David. Get that for you. I umm... --------------------------------------- [Delivery man] Can you sign? [Pam] Yeah. [Pam] Oscar. [Angela] Nothing for me? [Pam] Join the club. [Kevin] Whose it from? [Oscar] My mom. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] It's frustrating, because we'd be so perfect together. [Jim] You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly. It would be really nice if he was in to you, right? It'd be great, but he isn't. [Kelly] Yeah, it would be so great if he was. [Jim] Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up. You just gotta move on. Try to have some fun. Come to my poker game tonight. [Kelly] Okay, cool. Is it okay if I invite Ryan? --------------------------------------- [Dan] And that about does it, thank you. [Jan] OK. Craig, [Craig] Yeah. Here's the deal. I did not understand this was supposed to be a full on... like report or whatnot. [Jan] Um, I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant? [Craig] I was under the impression this was, more of like... a meet and greet type deal. [David] So, does that mean you don't have the numbers on your branch? [Craig] That is correct, yes. [Jan] Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide whether if drastic steps need to be taken? [Craig] Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know. [Jan] Well, the point is, is that doesn't exactly bode well for your branch. [Craig] Oh man, you know what? Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get into any trouble? Maybe I should have slept with you, too. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, ok. Alright. [Jan] NO, NO I'm not, I'm not, I just... I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael. I mean, we're all gonna get fired. [Michael] No you're not. [Jan] Yeah, Michael - the CFO thinks that we slept together. Do you understand, people get fired for much less? And I just can't believe that you told everybody and we didn't even sleep together. [Michael] Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed. So... [Jan] Oh, God. Michael. It was months ago. It was once, It's over. Do you understand? [Michael] Yes. I'm sorry. I will fix this. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to David. [Jan] Surely, you cannot be serious? [Michael] I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Airplane. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey babe. [Pam] Hey. [Roy] You almost ready to go? [Pam] I guess, yeah. [Roy] What's wrong? [Pam] Nothing, it's just I had to sit here all day, while Phyllis got like an entire garden delivered to her. [Roy] What, you're mad at me? [Roy] Well, Valentine's Day isn't over. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best s*x of you life. --------------------------------------- [David] You understand this is a very serious situation. [Michael] No no no no no, yes I, OK, well, alright, here's the deal. It's my fault. This is, this is totally on me. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys. We were all chatting and I made a joke, a really dumb joke and Craig the idiot took it seriously. [David] You made a joke? [Michael] I did, it was stupid. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Although he is a tool. [David] Well I don't need to explain to you that even a joke about sexual relations with your boss... [Michael] I know. It was borderline at best and... And Jan is a fantastic executive and has all the integrity in the world and um, I'm really sorry. It will never happen again. [Jan] Uh, that's fine. Let's just forget it. [David] Good. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Heading out? [Jim] Yeah. Alright, Beesly, Hey, Happy Valentine's Day. [Pam] Bye. [Phyllis] Goodnight Pam. [Pam] Night Phyllis. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Oh, Michael. Thank you again for that, really. It was very nice. [Michael] Oh, no big deal. Really. Sorry again. [Jan] Oh, no, it's OK. So, uh, Happy valentine's Day. [Michael] Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day. [Jan] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oy vey... schmear.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e16", "title": "Valentine's Day"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Dwight's Speech [Michael] Let's think this through. If we ask Corporate for that then... [Dwight] They are either going to say yes... or no. [Michael] Could go either way. We don't know what they are going to say. [Dwight] Think it through. [Michael] Have to think it through. Because if they say no... [Jim] Can we not? [Michael] No! Yes, we have to! You know why? Because I don't like to be cooped up in that office! In that box! All day long. Heisman! Because I need to think. Okay, Jim? Oh, Kevin, oh! Nice catch. Mmmm, mmm, mmm,mmm. Os-car! Intercepted. [Jim] Still want that. [Michael] Give it to me. Phyllis, give me the ball. Ok, give me the ball. Give me, you guys... Creed give me the ball! Right now give it to me. [Creed] Ryan! [Dwight] Fumble! Yaaah! [Michael] Hey, Dwight. [Dwight] Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike! [Michael] You all right Ryan? [Dwight] Ryan. [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] Pam! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ooh. They're having a sale on TiVo. Maybe I should get a TiVo. Oh. DVD Burner! Maybe I should get one of those. You are so lucky, Jim. You are so lucky you don't have this problem. What was the 9th place prize again? A loaf of bread? [Jim] Cugino's pizza. [Dwight] Oh, great. Tasty, terrific pizza. Hmm. Question: Do their pizzas play DVDs? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight was the top salesman of the year at our company. He wins a little prize money and gets honored at some convention. It is literally the highest possible honor that a Northeastern Pennsylvania-Based Mid-size Paper Company Regional Salesman can attain, so... --------------------------------------- [Jim] What did I do to deserve this? [Pam] Are you sad that Dwight beat you? [Jim] No. [Pam] Are you going to cry, Jim? Do you need a tissue? [Phyllis] Hey, I heard you got a wedding dress. Do you have pictures? [Pam] Oh! I... uh... yeah. Um... I'll uh show them to you later. [Phyllis] Oh. [Jim] Oh, I should get back. Talk to you guys later. [Pam] Ok, cool. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I have a ton of stuff to do for the wedding. And I have to do it in the office. And that can be kind of awkward. Um... just because people can get all weird about wedding stuff. Then... I just... I don't want to offend... Angela... or someone. --------------------------------------- [Michael] That's what she said! [Dwight] Ha! I don't get it. [Michael] Grapes. Seductive. So you ready for the big speech this afternoon? [Dwight] Well, it's not really a big speech. You still coming right? [Michael] Oh! Abso-fruit-ly. Fruit. Grapes. Nailed the joke. Matter of time. Um... And yes, it is a big speech. Biggest of your life. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Speaker at the Sales Convention. Been there, done that. Went there again, did it again. Two years in a row. Consecutive. I just... I miss the feeling of knowing that you did a good job because someone gives you proof of it. Sir, you're awesome! Here's a plaque. What, a whole year has gone by and you need more proof? Here's a certificate. They stopped making plaques that year. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What if I give a really long, extended Thank You. For instance, "Thank you, Mr. Blank. Thank you very, very, very..." [Michael] That would look terrible. These are mostly salesmen and salesmen expect to be entertained and you are the main act. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] When I was in the sixth grade, I was a finalist in our school Spelling Bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure'. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I can't do this. [Michael] That's because you're incapable of doing it because you don't know how. Because you have no skills. Dwight, there's no way I can possibly teach you what you need to know about public speaking by speech time. [Dwight] Oh, okay. [Michael] But I can teach you enough so that you don't embarrass me or the company. [Dwight] Okay, deal! I'll do whatever you say. No questions asked. [Michael] Well, if you have a question, you should ask me. [Dwight] I'll try and think of one. When... [Michael] Don't. Don't try and think of a question to humor me. Just... try not to be such an idiot. [Dwight] Is that an insult or is that part of the public speaking advice? [Michael] Insult. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Mom, I'm sorry. I know you and Dad are chipping in for the wedding but I do not want orange invitations. Yes! Well, if you really want my... [Jim] Hi, yeah, can I talk to one of your travel agents? --------------------------------------- [Jim] I'm going to take a trip. I'm going to get out of town for a while... and go someplace... not here. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Where do I want to go? Um... that is an excellent question. And one I should have probably thought about before I called you. Um... --------------------------------------- [Oscar] I get here early every morning so I can set the thermostat. I like it a little cooler, around 66 degrees. I'm more productive. Maybe some people don't like it as cold as I do, but I don't care. --------------------------------------- [Michael] But seriously, what's the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? [Dwight] Saleswoman has a v*g1n*. [Michael] It's a joke, Dwight. It's not a s*x Ed class. [Dwight] But I'm right? [Michael] Yeah, you're right about the difference between a man and a woman, but not about the punch line to the joke, right? The difference between a salesman and a saleswoman... is boobs! [Dwight] Hey. Do you remember the speeches that you gave? [Michael] I do. Both of them. [Dwight] Could I have a copy of one of them? [Michael] No, no! They would remember them. Look, it doesn't matter what you say. It just matters that you're saying something that people care about. Yeah? All right? Here we go. Watch this. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Attention everybody! Attention please! I have some very great news from Corporate. We had a wonderful quarter and as a result all of you are getting bonuses for 1000 dollars! [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] Congratulations. [Phyllis] Unbelievable. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You see that? You see how they responded to me? In that moment, I had them. [Dwight] That is so great about the bonus! [Michael] No, no! It's not true. I was just talking so just go out there and say anything. They'll eat it up. They're a great audience. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Go ahead. Get the wallpaper. Wallpaper the ceiling if you want. Call Terri and tell her she... [Phyllis] It's unbelievable! [Dwight] Excuse me! May I have your attention please? There has been an accident on 84 West. Cars have skidded off the road into the safety railing. Several cars have flipped. There is broken glass everywhere. Several people are injured. [Pam] Do we know anyone who was in the accident? [Dwight] Brad Pitt. Also there will be no bonuses. [Stanley] Why would this affect our bonuses? [Dwight] They are unrelated. [Kelly] Is Brad okay? [Dwight] He will never act again. Also, this branch is closing. [Oscar] What the hell is going on here? [Angela] Are we out of jobs? [Dwight] Yes. [Kelly] This is karma because of what he did to Jennifer Aniston. [Michael] He's kidding. Dwight was kidding and I don't know why because it wasn't funny... and it was just horrible. [Stanley] Michael? [Michael] Yeah. [Stanley] You said we were getting bonuses. [Michael] All right. Everybody in the conference room now. Let's go. Let's do it. [Stanley] Cancel wallpaper. --------------------------------------- [Michael] As your leader and your friend, I sort of demand that you can all speak in public as I can... and did... twice. You saw the plaque, right? All right. We're all going to go around the room and we're going to make toasts. And that way, we will overcome our fear of public speaking. [Pam] You mean Toastmasters? [Michael] Pam! I'm public speaking. Stop public interrupting me. Actually, this would be good practice for your wedding toast. [Pam] Yeah, the bride doesn't really do... Have you ever been to a wedding? [Jim] Can I go? [Michael] Yes. Good. Jim taking the initiative. [Jim] So. Uh... I am going on a trip. But not really sure where I'm going yet. It's kind of open-ended. So I was hoping maybe you guys would have some suggestions? [Kevin] You should go to Hedonism. [Jim] What is that? [Kevin] It's like Club Med, but everything is naked. [Jim] I was thinking more like Europe. Or something like that. But, good second choice. [Toby] Been to Amsterdam. [Michael] Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up. [Toby] To Amsterdam. [Jim] When did you go there? [Toby] Umm... After my divorce. Yeah. [Jim] Really for like how long? [Toby] Uh, about a week. Er... .um... .maybe a month. I uh can't... [Creed] Jimmy, listen to me. You do not want to go to Amsterdam. Trust me. [Jim] Where do I want to go? [Creed] I'd send you to Hong Kong. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Like to say 'Hi' to my friends in China. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, Dwight. Show us what you have learned today. [Dwight] Good morning, Vietnam! Okay. You know what? This isn't working. Because um I'm not nervous in front of them. They're my subordinates. [Jim] No. We're not. [Dwight] Uh, yes you are. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. [Jim] Which means absolutely nothing. [Dwight] Michael, can you explain? [Michael] Well, it's mostly made up. So... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight is not going to do a job. It's sad. And they're expecting excellence because I did do such a good job. Two years in a row. I killed. It was amazing. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Confidence, Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go? [Dwight] I can travel anywhere except Cuba. And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the 'Lord of the Rings' trail to Mordor. And then I will hike Mount Doom. So... no... just leave me alone. [Jim] Okay. Just trying to get some advice on my trip. [Dwight] Oh please! You're not taking any trip. [Jim] You know I majored in Public Speaking in College. [Dwight] You did? [Jim] Mmmhmm. And the first thing they teach you is that you've got to be true to your self. And you are all about authority. [Dwight] Yes. I am. [Jim] The great speakers throughout history were not joke tellers. They were people of passion. So if you want to do well today, you got to do what they did. [Dwight] Which is? [Jim] You've got to wave your arms and you've got to pound your fists. Many times. It's supposed to emphasize your point. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ok, I didn't actually major in Public Speaking. But, I did download speeches from some of history's famous dictators. Like this one . Originally given by Benito Mussolini. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'll glance at it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's time, Dwight. The grim reaper is here. [Angela] The very best of luck to you, Dwight. [Dwight] Thank you, Angela. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Why'd you pick the V.A. for the reception? [Pam] Roy has a connection. It's nicer than you think. [Ryan] You're inviting Jim? [Pam] Of course. He's one of my closest friends. --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right. You ready? Here we go! Wow. It's a little bit bigger than I remember. Come on. We're down here. Right. --------------------------------------- [Overhead] You all ready for this? --------------------------------------- [Angela] I am just feeling under the weather. And... I think that I will go home and rest. [Kevin] I've never, ever seen you take a sick day. [Angela] Well, I've seen you take enough for the both of us. --------------------------------------- [Speaker] Next, I'd like to introduce the Dunder Mifflin Salesman of the Year, Dwight Schrute! [Michael] Dwight, they called your name. [Speaker] Dwight, how we doing? [Dwight] No, I can't... I ca... [Michael] All right. You know what? Okay. No. No problem. You are lucky you have me here. I'm going to cover for you. All right! [Michael] Gooood morning, Vietnaaaam! I am not Dwight Schrute. Not at all. I am Michael Scott, his mentor and boss. And until Dwight comes up, if he ever does, I wanted to say a few words about excellence. What makes a work environment excellent? Well, there are many things, I believe, that do such a thing of that nature. And one would be humor. What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman? --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I always set it at 69. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Maybe we'll use a DJ. That's the one thing Roy's in charge of for this wedding but all he's managed to do is set a date. [Kelly] But he did a great job. June 10th is perfect. I want a June wedding. I've always wanted one. Ryan, do you know when you would want to get married? [Ryan] Actually, I don't see myself ever getting married. [Kelly] Oh. [Pam] Ryan, you should be more sensitive. It's obvious she likes you and comments like that, they just... [Ryan] I know what I said. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm very sorry. I did not know you were wearing a hearing aid and I just thought you were speaking abnormally. ...And now the black guy from the 'Police Academy' movies. A robot. Michael Winslow, anyone? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Car starting. All right, Dwight Schrute everyone. [Michael] Good luck. That is a tough crowd. [Dwight] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day. how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime's struggle . A never-ending fight. I say to you and you'll understand that it is a privilege to fight! [Dwight] WE ARE WARRIORS! [Dwight] Salesman of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! [Dwight] Yeah. Yes! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] I've got a time share in Key West that might be available. [Jim] Maybe. Thanks. [Ryan] You really think you're going to go? [Jim] Yeah. I'm definitely going. [Ryan] Nice. Send me a postcard. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Jim has worked at the same place for five years. Jim eats the same ham and cheese sandwich everyday for lunch. I don't know. If I were a betting man, I'd say he will have a fun weekend in Philadelphia. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself. [Dwight] Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty - to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is... [Crowd] Together that we prevail! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Australia? I have always wanted to go there? [Jim] I'm going. I'm a little nervous to run into Dwight on his connecting flight to Mordor. But, other than that... um, yeah, I bought the ticket, non-refundable. [Pam] That's awesome. Where are you staying? [Jim] I don't know. I feel like I have plenty of time to figure out the details but... [Pam] When are you leaving? [Jim] I'm... leaving on June 8th. [Pam] Oh. [Jim] Yeah. And I'm really sorry about that, I just... [Pam] Oh yeah. That's too bad. [Jim] Yeah. Do you want me to take these on my way out? [Pam] It's ok. I got it. [Jim] Alright. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ok, thanks. There you are. What happened? [Michael] I got thirsty. How'd it go? [Dwight] It was amazing. I wish you would have been there. [Michael] You would not believe what happened here. [Dwight] What? Something happened? [Michael] Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35. [Dwight] Weird. [Michael] Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.' [Dwight] Con artist. [Michael] She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e17", "title": "Dwight's Speech"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Take Your Daughter to Work Day [Pam] I'm looking forward to 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day. I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better. Because I'm getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. ...Like the witch in Hanzel and Gretel. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Bribery. Nice. [Pam] Oh, I have more. [Michael] Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w--- [Pam] Oh, Michael. You can't be nasty today. 'Cause of the... [Michael] ... Oh, God is that today? [Pam] I reminded you last night. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated, it is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in "Raw," and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in "Daddy Daycare." both great movies, but, still. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, I'll be in my office. [Pam] Don't you think you should say something? [Michael] They're cool. [Pam] Michael, I think that as the boss you should really--- [Michael] Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. I'm Michael Scott, and... I... am in charge of this place... ahh, what'll make you... understand... I am... like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City. [Jim and Dwight] That's Batman. [Michael] Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? [Jim] The ocean. [Michael] I work with a bunch of nerds. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Mmm... hello tiny one. [Toby] Come on. [Dwight] You are the future! --------------------------------------- [Kevin] This... is my file cabinet. Uhm... oh. This... is the partition... between my desk... and Angela's. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Abby's my fiancee Stacy's daughter, I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. ...Actually, I'd better go check. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa. [Michael] Oh, yes, hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you've really grown up. You know what? Don't mind me saying so, she is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the... frat boys away from her. [Melissa] I'm in eighth grade. [Michael] Oh. [Stanley] She's in middle school. [Michael] Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's not that children make me uncomfortable, it's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle. --------------------------------------- [Michael] They want how many spiral pads? [Meredith] Um, fif--well, fifty... I... over ordered because they had a back order. [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] I got permission to bring Jake into work, which is great because he got suspended this week and now I don't have to pay for a sitter. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Can you put that down there? [Kelly] Yep. [Toby] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say. [Sasha] Do you need any help? [Angela] No. Thanks. We'd... have to explain everything, it's probably just easier if we do it ourselves. [Toby] Alright, I wasn't expecting that. Let's uh... let's go draw. [Kelly] Oh my God, she is so cute, I want to die. Don't you just love kids, Angela? [Angela] I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. [Kelly] God I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies! --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I'm learning that fun for Kelly is... getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Just compare last year's order to this year's. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. ... Yes. We--yeah, they're very--they're different. Yeah, we can stick with last year's, you're just going to have to supplement it, somehow. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Abby! Do you want to help me shred some old documents? It's actually pretty cool. [Abby] No thanks. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one. --------------------------------------- [Jim] What are you reading? [Abby] From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. [Jim] Aww, best book? [Abby] Yeah, but I've read it before. [Jim] Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be? [Abby] Definitely the Aquarium. [Jim] Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. ...You don't want to help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause, I'm kind of swamped. [Abby] Sure. [Jim] Really? [Abby] Mmhmm! [Jim] Yesss. And you're Abby, right? [Abby] Yeah. [Jim] I'm Jim. Annnnd... let's sell some paper. [Abby] Alright. [Jim] Let's start with... your mom. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes. Well... we can... uhm... hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. Yes, I promise. ...Hello, can I help you? ... You can pick that up, if you want. That's--- that's alright. Want to bring it over... here, make some room. My name's Michael. What's your name? [Sasha] Sasha. [Michael] Nice to meet you. [Sasha] Ooh! [Michael] Oh, you know what that is! That is a train whistle, like I'm the conductor. But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here, right? You want to try? [Sasha] Sure. [Michael] All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cu...camonga! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand. [Dwight] There is no way that hurt. [Jim] Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. [Dwight] Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don't have all day. I don't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak. Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector's items, okay? [Jake] Do you have any computer games? [Dwight] No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate. [Jake] Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here. [Dwight] You call your mom Meredith? That's very disrespectful. [Jake] Whatever, okay? [Dwight] You can refer to me as Mister Schrute. [Jake] That's your name? Mister Poop? [Dwight] Schrute. Mister Schrute. [Jake] Sure, Mister Poop. [Dwight] ... Schrute. --------------------------------------- [Sasha] Are you Mother Goose? --------------------------------------- [Melissa] I drink like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else. [Ryan] Wow. [Melissa] There's a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there? [Ryan] No. [Ryan] Uhm... [Melissa] Come on! You have an email address? --------------------------------------- [Kelly] ...that I thought you should know ... [Stanley] Mmhmm. What? [Kelly] I think something a little fishy is going on. [Stanley] A little fishy? [Kelly] Yeah. I mean, I've been noticing them all day, I was thinking that maybe ... --------------------------------------- [Stanley] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand?! [Ryan] Yes, I-- [Stanley] Boy have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it! Whatcha lookin' for, ain't nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child! [Ryan] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] That was Greensleeves. A traditional English Ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat... a book my Grandmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story, it's called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs--- are you listening, Sasha? Right? And 'ere they dream when he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off! [Michael] Dwight! Dwight! [Dwight] There's a photo... [Michael] What the hell are you reading to them? [Dwight] These are cautionary tales for kids, my Grandmata used to read these--- [Michael] Yeah, you know what? No, no no no no. They, no. The kids don't want to hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. [Sasha] What's a Nazi? [Michael] What's a Nazi? [Dwight] Nazi was a fascist movement... [Michael] Don't! [Dwight] ...from the 1930's... [Michael] Don't! Don't! Don't talk about Nazis in front of--- you know what? They're going to have nightmares, so why don't you just shut it? [Dwight] I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls. [Michael] Why don't you just leave? Okay? [Dwight] ...Okay. [Jake] Bye, Mister Poop. [Michael] Alright. There goes Mister Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook? [The Kids] I do, I do! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. --------------------------------------- [Angela] You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities . --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is where the magic happens! Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions? [Melissa] So... you cut the paper and dye it and stuff. [Michael] No, we don't actually cut the paper. That's a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. [Abby] That's not fair. [Michael] Yes it is, well, w-w--you need someone in the middle to facilitate... [Jake] You're just a middleman. [Michael] I'm not just a middle... man... [Melissa] Wait, why doesn't the saw mill just sell paper directly to people? [Michael] You are describing Office Depot, and they're kind of running us out of business. [Dwight] We have better service than they do! [Michael] ...There's Creed! Let's take a look at what he's doing, everybody! This is Creed, and he is in charge of... something. Right? [Creed] That is correct. [Michael] Say hi to the kids. [Creed] Hi kids. [Michael] Yaaaaay. [Creed] Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [Kids] Ewwww! [Michael] What are you doing? N--stop it! Stop it! Just--no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out?! What is your problem? [Creed] Th-the hair covers it, mostly. [Michael] No no no, we're not gonna see--- we're not gonna see the four toed... Creed, okay? --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know, there's something interesting about me you might want to know. I ... used to be ... the star of a kids show. [Kids] No way. [Michael] It's true. I did. [Melissa] You serious? [Jake] Really? [Michael] I am totally serious. There was a show called 'Fundle Bundle' and I was the star. [Abby] That doesn't sound like a show. [Melissa] What?! [Michael] It's true! I can prove it! I can prove it, watch this. Ryan, can you come here a second? I would like you to go to my mother's house in Dickson city, and if she is in the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked, I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled 'Fundle Bundle'. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar. [Ryan] Right. Okay. [Michael] I want you to get the tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine? [Ryan] Um, I'm already getting the pizzas from Bernetti's, so... [Melissa] You know, I can go with him. [Michael] Oka-- [Ryan] No! I will... go. [Michael] Okay! Thank you Ryan. Good attitude, hottest in the office. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Alright, nowwww... what kind... of pizza do you like? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I don't get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives... They're adults, for God's sake. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star, and a show that you might remember called 'Fundle Bundle.' Okay? Without further ado, Ryan? [Miss Trudy] ...Bundle, are you ready to come on in? Let's have some fun! [Michael] That... is Miss Trudy. Can't tell from the costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can... fast forward. And... I want you... to... [Dwight] Is that a real fun shooting windmill? [Michael] Stop! Stop! Stop! Yes! That is, uh, Edward R. Meow. [Jim] That's pretty funny. [Michael] Yeah. [Edward R. Meow] ...Recess! Hey, what's your name? [Chet] My name's Chet. [Edward R. Meow] Well hi Chet. [Oscar] Is that Chet Montgomery? [Michael] Uhh, I don't know. [Pam] That is! [Darryl] Checkin' in with Chet. Doppler's up. [Edward R. Meow] What do you want to be when you grow up? [Chet] I want to be on TV! [Michael] Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don't miss it. [Edward R. Meow] Okay, next? So, whats your name? [Michael] Oh! That's me. Shh. Shh. [Edward R. Meow] Well what's your favorite subject at school? [Young Michael] Recess. [Edward R. Meow] Ree-cesss. So tell me, what do you want to be when you grow up? [Young Michael] I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend. [Edward R. Meow] Uh, ah... oh, okay! Well uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy! [Miss Trudy] Hi everyone, it's one of my favorite times of the day. [Michael] Coulda sworn there was... [Melissa] Did you get married? [Michael] ...uh, no. [Abby] Why not? [Michael] Uh, just never happened. [Sasha] So, do you have any kids? [Michael] Uh, nope. [Jake] Do you have a girlfriend? [Michael] I do okay. [Melissa] Was Chet Montgomery cool back then? [Michael] Yes. [Jake] Even I have a girlfriend. [Michael] Okay! Alright, okay. [Sasha] So you didn't get to be what you wanted to be. [Michael] ...I guess not... you know, I have a load of work to do so I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza... and I'm going to go do my work. Bye. --------------------------------------- [Pam] He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. [Jim] Can't believe his mom dressed him like that, that's the real tragedy. [Roy] Pam! Pam! I love this guy! Come on! --------------------------------------- [Melissa] Who? Terry? [Pam] Mmhmm. [Melissa] That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother. --------------------------------------- [Jake] Mister Poop, I have to tell you something. [Dwight] Uh, okay. But first, that's not my name. [Jake] You're ugly. [Dwight] Well at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So... [Jake] Meredith! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah? [Toby] I think these belong to you. [Michael] Oh, that's okay, she can keep those. [Toby] Believe me, she has enough toys... she doesn't need your watch. [Michael] Thank you. [Toby] Is everything okay? [Michael] You have to ask me that because you work for human resources. [Toby] Uh... it's true... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost. [Toby] Mmhmm. [Michael] Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids? [Toby] Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend. [Michael] What about... [Toby] Not Jan. [Michael] ...Jan. Kay. [Toby] If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something. [Michael] ...Or biologically. [Toby] Somehow. [Michael] Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I... [Toby] Yes. [Michael] Oh... kay. --------------------------------------- [Jake] Is it okay if I take one? [Pam] Sure. [Jake] Thank you. [Pam] You're welcome. [Jake] Is your job hard? [Pam] It's not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes, do you want to see? [Jake] Yeah! [Pam] Really? [Jake] Yeah. [Pam] Okay. Um... here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. Cool huh? [Jake] That's so cool, yeah! [Pam] Yeah, I get to do this like, every week. [Jake] That's so awesome! [Pam] I know. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And... I have a great one . Little kid lover. That way, people will know exactly where my priorities are at. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Go ahead. [Abby] Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? [Jim] Ohh, man, I would love to! I can't tonight, but can I come over some other time? [Kevin] What're you doing? You never have plans. [Jim] Thanks, Kev. Uhm... I'm actually going on a date. [Kevin] Niiice. [Michael] Hey, uh, no, please? You can't leave yet. There's still one more thing we need to do. [Michael] You... who are on the road... must have a code... that you can live by... and so... become yourself... because the past... is just a goodbye... and teach... your children well... [Jim] Why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play? [Pam] I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Michael and Dwight] ...did slowly go by... and feed... them on your dreams... [Pam] My theory is that... [Michael and Dwight] ...The one they picked... the one you'll know by... don't you ever ask them why... if I told you would cry... you never look at them and sigh... and know they love you... [Dwight] And they do, your parents, love you very much. [Michael] One more time. You... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. They didn't eat the children.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e18", "title": "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Michael's Birthday [Michael] So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. [Oscar] Who is this guy again? [Michael] Don't worry about Phil. He drives a corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are... the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. [Ryan] Who uses calling cards anymore? [Michael] You know what? That's a nice attitude, Ryan, I'm just helping you invest in your future, my friend. [Oscar] This sounds like a get rich quick scheme. [Michael] Yes! Thank you! You will get rich quick. We all will! [Toby] Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email? [Michael] You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay? ...Alright, so, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. Alright. [Jim] No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? [Michael] Alright, let me explain. Again. Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more who are investing, the more money we're all going to make. It's not a pyramid scheme, it is a... it's not even a scheme per se, it's... ... I have to go make a call. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Happy birthday Michael. [Michael] Oh ho ho! What? [Pam] I said happy birthday. [Michael] Thank you! That's really nice. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What's up? [Jim] Hey. ...Oh, happy birthday. [Michael] Ah, thank you sir. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] Did you hear anything yet? [Kevin] No. I'm still waiting. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah. [Dwight] Yes. There he is, the birthday boy! [Michael] Ohh, god. [Dwight] Birthday hug! [Michael] No no no, no, new suit, please. [Dwight] That suit is amazing. [Michael] Thank you very much. It is from Italy. Actually--- no, Bulgaria. [Dwight] Mmm. Maybe I should get one. [Michael] Good luck. One of a kind. [Dwight] Ebay. Hm. Question! May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? [Michael] Not necessary, the party planning committee is all over it. They've been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday. [Dwight] Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the... [Michael] Don't! Nope! Please, don't want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise. [Dwight] Let's get the party started. [Michael] Let's get the party started. Not the way I taught you! --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] When should we bring out the cake, one or one thirty? [Pam] One's good. [Angela] One thirty. I'm sorry, are we boring you? [Dwight] Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake, so make that a priority. [Phyllis] Where do we get those? [Dwight] Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [Pam] Michael wants a strippergram? [Dwight] Yes, but he doesn't want to know when, or whom. [Angela] No. This is a closed door meeting. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah? [Pam] Michael, I have Jan on the line. [Michael] Oh, great, put her through. [Jan] Hello, Michael. [Michael] Hey, you. [Jan] I'm... returning your call, you said it was urgent. [Michael] It is urgent, I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. [Jan] Well, today's not my birthday, so... [Michael] Really? 'Cause, I thought we had the same birthday. [Jan] ...Happy birthday, Michael. [Michael] Thanks. [Jan] Am I on camera? [Michael] Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Michael] ...You can take a five, if you want. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday! [Stanley] Mmhmm, happy birthday. [Michael] Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Man, I'm so sorry. When do you find out? [Kevin] They said this afternoon. They're waiting on a second opinion. [Jim] Oh, okay. [Kelly] Second opinion on what? [Kevin] Um, I might have skin cancer. [Jim] Kelly, you know what... --------------------------------------- [Kelly] I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Who brought in donuts? [Michael] Somebody got donuts for my birthday! [Toby] Happy birthday! [Michael] You didn't know it was my birthday. [Toby] I... guess I forgot. [Michael] Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut . [Toby] Are you serious? [Michael] Mmm. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Skin cancer is treatable. [Kevin] Right. [Oscar] It's going to be okay. [Angela] You don't know it's going to be okay. Don't give him false hope. ...It's probably nothing, though. --------------------------------------- [Delivery Woman] Hi, delivery for Michael Scott. [Michael] Here we go. Ohhhkay, this is great! Thank you my friends, she is perfect! Ahhh, Dwight, may I have your chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will! Allllright. Nnnnn-dink! Okay, um, alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be a... is that alright? [Delivery Woman] Uh... s-sure. [Michael] Okay. I'm so nervous. [Pam] I can sign for it. [Delivery Woman] Oh. Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids... and... I got a really bad rash from the pony, and all the kids got to ride the pony and I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me... for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out the pony was already in the truck. And around the corner. So that was my worst birthday. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Stop it. Stop! What is that? [Dwight] It's 'For the Longest Time,' by William Joel. It's you favorite song. [Michael] Yeah, well, it's on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Probably my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything. [Dwight] I probably care more than she does. [Michael] You're making it worse. I bet Luke Perry's friends don't treat him like this . --------------------------------------- [Pam] When does he hear? [Jim] Sometime today. [Pam] Ohh... poor Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Pam] If I knew I had a week to live, I would... probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And... I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. ...It would be a pretty busy week. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Uh, that's a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on back... order... Michael! Michael! Michael Michael Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! [Michael] What? [Dwight] Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment when you emerged from your mother's vaginal canal, so... huh?! Right, have a seat. Please. [Michael] Ohhh, God. [Dwight] There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair. [Michael] Ohhh, no. [Dwight] So come help me celebrate Michael's birth moment. Kevin! [Oscar] ...I'll do it. [Michael] Ohh, no, no, no! I can't... Ryan, come on. Let's do this. [Dwight] Creed! Come on. Stanley! [Pam] ...I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? [Jim] Maybe, but... we're gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and... [Dwight] On three, we're going to hoist away! Ready? [Michael] Okay. [Dwight] Happy birth moment, Michael. [Michael] Thank you. [Dwight] One. Two. Three! [Michael] Whoa whoa! Alright. Alright. Watch it... please. [Dwight] Oscar... [Oscar] It wasn't me. --------------------------------------- [Delivery Boy] Uh, we don't make an eight foot sub. This is eight one foot subs. [Dwight] F. Alright, what's the damage? [Delivery Boy] Uh, thirty-nine sixty. [Dwight] Thirty nine... sixty. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because... I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Here they come. [Michael] Get in here... everybody. [Dwight] Come and get it! [Michael] Birthday party subs! My gift to you. [Oscar] What is this? [Dwight] Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup. [Michael] The best. [Stanley] These are all the same? [Michael] Yes. [Angela] Bologna? I don't eat bologna. [Michael] Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good. [Angela] No. [Michael] Just the bread, it's fresh baked. [Angela] No. [Michael] Mm-kay. Get whatever you want. And choke on it. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So. We got Kev some stuff. Um... a party pack of M&M's, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed, so, I can guarantee you he won't get that back. [Pam] Sixty-nine cup of noodles. [Jim] Which we realize sounds crass, but, it... is his favorite number. [Pam] And his favorite lunch. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey temp, you know uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left . [Ryan] Someone ate three feet of that thing? [Dwight] Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. [Angela] Oh. Thank you. [Dwight] Oh. I got it. [Angela] What are--- it's... the party planning committee. [Dwight] This is the most important day of the year. I can't risk anything. [Angela] Fine. [Dwight] What about that meeting... later... to discuss finances? [Angela] Yes... but don't expect any cookie. [Dwight] But what if i'm hungry? --------------------------------------- [Jim] ...What? [Pam] You use fabric softener? [Jim] Yeah, you don't? [Pam] No, I do. [Jim] ...Okay. --------------------------------------- [Office Staff] Happy birthday dear Michael, Happy birthday... ...tooo youuuu. [Kevin] Hello? Hey. [Michael] Kevin? Respect the birthday please. [Kevin] No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. It was just Stacy. [Michael] Are you done? ...Good. Okay. [Dwight] Here we go. Make a wish. [Michael] Uhhh... blow out the candle. Okay. Mmmm... [Dwight] Yaoo yay! [Michael] ... I asked for trick candles. [Dwight] Pam was supposed to get 'em. [Michael] Okay. Well, when she comes back we'll do it again. Hello, what about the birthday boy? Haven't had a hug all day. [Angela] No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer. [Michael] ... Aww, that... sucks, great. ... Wow, that's good timing. That's... that's, sorry, that's terrible. Terrible news. That's terrible... terrible news for both of us . --------------------------------------- [Pam] We should probably head back. [Jim] Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement. [Pam] You dare me? How old are you? [Jim] Just... quit stalling. [Pam] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. [Jim] Such a dork. [Pam] Jim Halpert? Price check on fabric softener, the kind that gives you... [Store Employee] Ma'am? Please don't touch that. That is not a toy. [Pam] Oh I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [Jim] How old are you? [Pam] I hate you. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancee's plan? Our health plan is s... just... it's terrible. [Michael] There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. [Kevin] Still scary. [Michael] Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is. [Kevin] Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine. [Michael] And laughter... also. [Toby] I don't really think people are in the laughing mood. [Michael] Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party. [Toby] I work here. [Michael] Nyeh, I work here. Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day. [Kevin] If I go home now, I'll just drive myself crazy. [Michael] Well, you're pretty much driving everyone else here crazy... crazy with worry. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls. [Jim] Well that's an invasion of privacy, so, I'm going to tell Michael. [Dwight] Please, don't. [Jim] You... owe me. [Michael] Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. [Stanley] Is this trip related in any way to your... birthday? [Michael] How dare you sir. You are gross. --------------------------------------- [Michael] That should not be there. [Dwight] I'll get someone to take it down. [Michael] No, it's alright. It's already up. Just leave it. Where's Kevin? Come on! Let's get our skate on! --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Don't be scared! You're good! You're good! [Ryan] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Think you can let go? [Pam] No. [Jim] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. [Dwight] YEAH! [Pam] Who is that? [Jim] Is that Michael? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, I've been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL, but, you're on the road so much. You got no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I got it. [Michael] Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin... um, it's pretty scary. And I'm thinking that uh, next time you're in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it. [Jim] ...It's something to think about. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I can't relax about it, you know? [Michael] Kevin. You heard anything yet? [Kevin] No, not yet. [Michael] Okay. Well. Live strong. [Kevin] Okay, Michael. [Michael] Alright. [Carol] Michael? [Michael] Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo! Hey! What, is this place on the market? Or... [Carol] Uhh, no, I... don't just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson. [Michael] Oh, these... all your kids? [Carol] No just the front two. [Michael] Oh, hey guys. Whats up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? [Carol] Sure. [Michael] Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are reaaallly mooovin' now! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Push. Good! That's great. You got it. Excuse me. [Kevin] Hello? Yeah okay. Alright. Okay, I will, thanks. It was negative. [Michael] Oh... God... God! We're gonna beat this, okay? We're gonna... come here . --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, apparently in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would... be... chaos. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] This is awesome. Thanks, you guys. [Michael] Okay, who's this from? Wowwwee, look at that! Jersey! [Dwight] Turn it around. Turn it around. [Michael] Cool. Ohh. Great. From Dwight. [Dwight] Number one!! [Michael] Thank you... Dwight. That's great. Thanks. [Pam] Michael? [Michael] Yeah. [Pam] This is from all of us. [Michael] Oh! You didn't need to do that. ...Nightswept. This is... really amazing. Thank you. I love it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don't know... It was a good day.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e19", "title": "Michael's Birthday"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Sexual Harassment [Michael] Hey, what's up? [Jim] Hey. [Michael] Any emails today? [Jim] Um... I don't think so. [Michael] No? Um... Check your spam folder. [Jim] Oh! There it is! [Michael] What? [Jim] Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.' [Jim] Well done. [Michael] Kay. [Jim] Topical. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So the monkey does the s*x thing right here! [Michael] That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational. [Dwight] Do you want the link because then you could forward it around? [Michael] Um, I... [Dwight] Consider it? [Michael] Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... Whup! Come on! Hey! [Todd Packer] What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? This guy! [Michael] Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah! [Michael] Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him. [Todd Packer] bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert? [Michael] Uh oh. [Todd Packer] Still queer? [Michael] Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why. [Todd Packer] Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent. [Michael] Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one! [Todd Packer] We're talking blonde incompetent. [Michael] Oh, yeah. [Todd Packer] Like 10 words a minute... talking. [Michael] Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there. [Todd Packer] They are women, right? [Michael] Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it! [Todd Packer] I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch. [Michael] Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy! --------------------------------------- [Todd Packer] Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation? [Michael] Oh. Bad boy. Um... Ryan? [Todd Packer] Come on, kid. Let's go. [Michael] Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything. [Jim] Except pass that breathalyzer. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] You a big William Hung fan? [Todd Packer] Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that? --------------------------------------- [Jim] I'm really excited to meet your Mom. [Pam] You are? --------------------------------------- [Pam] My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody. [Jim] Oh yeah? [Pam] mmhmm. [Jim] Good. Cause I have a lot of questions. [Pam] Oh really? [Jim] Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, send me that link to the monkey s*x video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot. [Dwight] Yes! [Michael] Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. "Old School". [Toby] Michael? [Michael] Yes, Toby? [Toby] Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds. [Michael] Um... literally two seconds? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family. --------------------------------------- [Toby] The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy. [Michael] No, no, Toby. No. [Toby] It's really not a big deal, Michael. [Michael] It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on! [Toby] And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer... [Michael] What? [Toby] Just to refresh you... . [Michael] NO! [Toby] on our policy. [Michael] What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes? [Toby] Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones. [Michael] There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. So, take it away. [Toby] Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later. [Michael] I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?" This is what's at stake. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got? [Darryl] Like a joke? A knock-knock joke? [Michael] Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day. [Darryl] Well, those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us? [Roy] Boys R Us! [Warehouse Guy] Oh! [Michael] Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense. [Darryl] Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with. [Michael] Oooh, okay. That was still about me. [Roy] Hey, hey, hey. [Michael] What? [Roy] So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad. [Michael] I don't feel bad. [Darryl] I think he feels bad. [Michael] No, I don't. [Roy] You look like you feel bad. [Michael] Okay. [Roy] Little package! [Michael] Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys. [Warehouse guy] Little package! Little package! [Michael] Thank you. [Roy] You look good. [Darryl] Hiding from his momma. --------------------------------------- [Toby] So remember, intent is irrelevant. And that's it. Pam? [Pam] Um... I just wanted to say that... Just, my Mom's coming in today. [Kevin] MILF! [Pam] Thanks, Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke. --------------------------------------- [Pam] She's coming in today and maybe just don't joke around about that stuff in front of her. [Toby] Great point. [Pam] Thank you. [Toby] Um... in fact, basic rule of thumb, let's just act everyday like Pam's Mom's coming in. All right. That's it. Um... if anybody has any questions about anything, you know where I sit in the back. [Michael] Hi, is it over? [Toby] Uh, yes! [Michael] No. [Toby] I can go over it with you. [Michael] I know, I know. It's good. It is not over. It is not over til it's over. [Toby] It's over. [Michael] Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously? [Angela] Email forwards. [Michael] Exactly! Mmwwah ! Can we afford to lose email forwards? Do we want that? [Angela] I hate them. You send me these filthy emails and you say forward them to ten people or you'll have bad luck. [Michael] Give me a break. Umm... Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. And I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it. But what? Are we just going to take it away? [Stanley] That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girls' school. I am taking it down right now. [Meredith] Um... what about office romance? [Toby] Office relationships are never a good idea. Yeah. So let's just try to avoid them. But, um, if you already have one, you should disclose it to HR. [Phyllis] All relationships? Eh, even a one-night stand? [Michael] I think the old honor system was just fine. For example, I have never slept with an employee. And, believe me, I could have. [Dwight] Yeah, Meredith. [Michael] No! No! Catherine. Remember her? Remember how hot she was? [Dwight] Yes. [Michael] She would have definitely slept with me. [Kevin] She wasn't that hot. [Michael] Yes, she was. Dammit, Kevin! [Toby] Ok, you know, Michael... --------------------------------------- [Jim] I'm in an office relationship. It's special. Um... she's nice. She's shy. She's actually here. You want to meet her? Hold on one second. Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! Put on a... . I told you that you'd be on camera. I'm sorry, she's European. No, I told you that you'd be on camera. Stop it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What if Pam was a lesbian? What if she brought her "partner" in to work? Would that be crossing the line? [Toby] No. [Michael] What if they made out? In front of everybody? [Toby] Well, that would be... [Michael] At home? And I told everybody everything about it. [Toby] Okay, I'm lost. [Michael] Okay. Well, then let's act it out. Pam, you will be girl A and girl B will be... Okay! We'll use the doll. Pam. Pam? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I wish Todd Packer was here because he would love this. I wonder if anybody else would like to do this. Hey! Um... we have to watch, uh, Toby's video that he's showing us in order to brainwash us and I was wondering if anybody would like to join in? Going to be fun. Got my great pizza. Whataya say? Jim? [Jim] No, thanks. I'm good. [Michael] That's what she said. Pam? [Pam] Uh... my mother's coming. [Michael] That's what she sai Nope, but... Okay. Well, suit yourself. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey, Toby. [Toby] Hey Dwight. [Dwight] You said that we could come to you if we had any questions. [Toby] Sure. [Dwight] Where is the clitoris? On a website, it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female v*g1n* look like? --------------------------------------- [Toby] Technically, I am in Human Resources. And Dwight was asking about human anatomy. Um... I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Yeah, maybe when you get really comfortable with each other, you can ask for that. [Dwight] Good. Good. And... [Toby] I should get back to work. [Dwight] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Man in Video] In today's fast-paced business climate, it can sometimes be hard to know when a comment or an action crosses the line. Let's take a look at a couple of scenarios and ask ourselves 'where is the line?' [Video] : The Natural Redhead] [Roy] Natural redhead. [Actor] Hey, Rach. [Redheaded Actress] Hey, Joe. Mike. [Actor] Hey, settle a bet. Are you a natural redhead? [Darryl] Oh, Mi... ! Hey, stop the video! Michael, stop it right there! Stop it right there! That's that girl from that thing. I banged this girl right here. This is... [Roy] That's her? [Darryl] Yes, this is the one. [Roy] No! [Darryl] You remember? Yes! [Roy] At the party? [Warehouse guy] You banged her? [Darryl] Yes! Right here. You are a naughty girl! [Michael] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Okay! Hypocrite! She is a hypocrite. That is such a scam! Okay. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Yes. Yes, I did. Okay. Well, we can talk about that later then. Hi. [Michael] Okay, you are never going to believe this. The girl in the video we're watching that Corporate gave us... Darryl banged her! Aaand is about 90% sure. --------------------------------------- [Todd Packer] Don't ever let this little bitch drive you around town. We got, uh, lost for half an hour. [Pam] I don't have any DUI's so I can drive myself, but thanks. [Todd Packer] Where is Michael Snot? Sniffing some dude's thong? Probably. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley? I know a lot of lawyer jokes. [Mr. O'Malley] I love lawyer jokes. [Michael] Well, it's probably because you don't get 'em. --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I said before that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don't come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn't arrest a guy who's just delivering drugs from one guy to another. --------------------------------------- [Jan] You seem a little bit agitated, Michael. What's the problem? [Michael] The problem is that I am the boss and apparently I can't say anything. [Jan] Well, that... that's true in a way. You can't say anything. [Michael] Where's the line? Where's the line, Jan. [Jan] Do you need to see the video again, Michael? [Michael] No, I've seen the video. [Toby] He talked the whole time. [Michael] No, I didn't. Huh, what? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Attention, everyone! Hello! Ah, yes! I just want you to know that, uh, this is not my decision, but from here on out... we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here we must only discuss work-associated things. And, uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future, if I want to say something funny or witty or do an impression, I will no longer, ever, do any of those things. [Jim] Does that include 'That's What She Said'? [Michael] Mmmhmm. Yes. [Jim] Wow! That is really hard. You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so... [Michael] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! [Jan] Michael. MICHAEL! [Michael] Come on. [Jan] Michael, please. [Todd Packer] There he is. [Michael] Mwah! [Todd Packer] There he is. Good one. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You would have done the same. You just didn't think of it first. [Jan] Mike... Michael. Please. I... I... really. [Michael] It's... That's... [Jan] That's not my sense of humor. [Michael] Okay. Hello. Jan. Mr. O'Malley. This is my lawyer, James P. Albiny. [Jan] Wha... [Michael] I believe you may recognize his face from the billboards. He specializes in Free Speech issues. [Albiny] And motorcycle head injuries, worker's comp, and diet pill lawsuits. [Michael] This guy does it all. [Jan] 'Scuse me, I'm sorry. Michael. Mr. O'Malley is your lawyer. [Michael] What? [Jan] Mr. O'Malley is our Corporate lawyer. We have him on retainer. To protect the company as well as upper level management, such as yourself. [Michael] So I'm not in trouble? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am so used to being the bad boy. I am so used to fighting Corporate that I forget that I am Corporate. Upper management. They hooked me up with an attorney. To protect me. You can't be too careful about what you say. Mo' money, mo' problems. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay. Well, let's get you out of here, James. Um... I think we're under an hour still, so... [Albiny] Yeah, but I did a lot of paperwork at home before I got here. [Michael] I know. We'll talk about it later. Thanks for coming in. --------------------------------------- [Pam's Mom] Um... hello. [Pam] Oh my god! [Pam's Mom] Finally made it! [Pam] Hello! --------------------------------------- [Pam] I love my Mom. Okay. That's probably really the most obvious statement ever. --------------------------------------- [Pam's Mom] This is all yours? [Pam] Yeah. I'm in charge of this whole area. [Pam's Mom] Oh, my goodness. That's great. --------------------------------------- [Todd Packer] So a guy goes home, tells his wife, "Honey. Pack your bags. I just won the lottery." She goes, "Oh my god! That's incredible! Where are we going?" He goes, "I don't know where you're going, just be out of here by five!" Boom! --------------------------------------- [Pam] This is where I used to keep my computer. [Pam's Mom] Oh, right! I remember... [Pam] But then I moved it. [Pam's Mom] with the picture. [Pam] Yeah, yeah, but I uh... I switched stuff around because I actually needed like more room for organization. So... [Pam's Mom] Sure. [Pam] So this is like, um, an organization station... [Pam's Mom] Oooooh! [Pam] Hey! [Pam's Mom] Well, there he is! [Roy] How are ya? [Pam's Mom] Hi, handsome! [Roy] You look great! [Pam's Mom] Oh, thank you! So! We ready for dinner? [Pam] Well, you know... actually, I kind of need to stall a bit. But, it's okay, because I am very used to killing time. [Pam's Mom] Oh, I don't believe that. [Roy] Okay, I'm going to go wait in the parking lot. And what kind of tunes you want for the ride? Little, uh, classical? Or oldies? [Pam's Mom] Oh, anything is fine. [Roy] All right, I'll see ya. [Pam's Mom] So which one is Jim? [Pam] Mom! [Pam's Mom] I just wanted to know. [Pam] No. [Pam's Mom] All right. Okay. [Pam] Ten minutes. [Pam's Mom] Okay. [Pam] Then we can go to dinner. [Pam's Mom] I'll make myself busy. --------------------------------------- [Todd Packer] There's this guy. He's at a Nymphomaniac Convention. And he is psyched 'cause all these women are smokin' hot perfect 10's, except for this one chick who looks a lot like, uh... [Kevin] Phyllis? [Michael] No. No, no, no. That crosses the line. [Todd Packer] Ex-squeeze me? [Michael] Not you. Kevin. Just unwarranted. Hostile work environment, Kevin. [Kevin] Packer said it. [Michael] No. You said it. He pointed. A point is not a say. Look. Kevin, we are a family here and Phyllis is a valued member of that family. Like a grandmother. [Phyllis] I'm the same age as you, Michael. [Michael] I don't know about that. [Phyllis] We're in the same High School class. [Michael] Well, I have a late birthday and usually September's a cut-off point. You know what? You just crossed the line. Okay? There's a line and you went over it. And you must be punished. So go to your corner. [Kevin] You mean where my desk is? [Michael] Yes, your corner. Go. [Kevin] Okay. I have a lot of work to do anyway. [Michael] Mmmhmmm. [Todd Packer] Oh my. They really got to you, didn't they? [Michael] They didn't get to me. I got to them. I am still the same old Michael Scott. New and improved. You know what? I love Phyllis. You know what else? I think she is gorgeous. I think she is incredibly, incredibly attractive person. C'mere, c'mere, c'mon! Come on! Come on. [Phyllis] Michael! Come on! [Michael] Oooh! [Phyllis] You don't have to worry. I'm not going to... [Michael] I'm not worried. [Phyllis] ...report you to HR. [Michael] You know what? The only thing I'm worried about... is getting a boner. Good work today, everybody. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder-Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am Upper Management. And it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to. --------------------------------------- [Pam] He said what?

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e02", "title": "Sexual Harassment"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Drug Testing [Dwight] Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. Spit... Okay, come on, let's go. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You look cute today, Dwight. [Dwight] Thanks, girl. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. [Kevin] Hey... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. [Pam] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said "Is it okay if I sip it?" and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way. [Dwight] Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night? [Kelly] Six. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night. [Ryan] I go to a lot of parties. [Dwight] Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys. [Ryan] I am not giving you my keys. [Dwight] Don't make me do this the hard way. [Ryan] What's the hard way? [Dwight] I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. [Ryan] Yeah, let's do it that way. [Michael] Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow. [Dwight] I can't stop this investigation. It is my job. [Jim] Whoa. You are a volunteer. [Dwight] I volunteered for this job. [Jim] And that's not the same. [Dwight] It is my duty... [Jim] Volunteer duty. [Dwight] ...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know. [Michael] Narc! [Dwight] If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job. [Michael] I wasn't attempting to compliment you. [Dwight] Well, you have... [Michael] Uuf, well... [Dwight] ...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have... [Michael] Okay... [Dwight] ...and I am very proud of being a narc. [Michael] Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! [Jim] Well, your office is behind you. [Michael] Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? [Oscar] No, I have not. [Dwight] Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? [Oscar] What are you implying? [Dwight] Have you ever... pooped... a balloon? [Oscar] Okay. I'm done with this. [Dwight] He sure left in a hurry. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Do you know what this is? [Phyllis] Yes, it's marijuana. [Dwight] How do you know that? [Phyllis] It's labeled. [Dwight] Dammit. --------------------------------------- [Creed] That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. [Dwight] No, it's marijuana. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you. [Dwight] That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. [Jim] Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember. [Dwight] I would remember. [Jim] Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory? [Dwight] That's not how it works. [Jim] Now how do you know how it works? [Dwight] Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you. [Jim] No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? --------------------------------------- [Oscar] So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it. [Jim] Oh, um... Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Stanley] Is that supposed to be me? [Jim] Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. [Stanley] I do not think that is funny. [Pam] He does everyone in the office. [Stanley] Hmmmpt. [Pam/Jim] I do not think that is funny. [Pam] Jinx! Buy me a coke. [Jim] Oh... [Pam] No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Pam] Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx. [Jim] C'mon! [Pam] Sorry, that's not my problem. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently. [Angela] I understand. [Dwight] Where were you yesterday after work? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin? [Kevin] That is so good, Michael [Michael] Remember the narc bit? Uh-oh, who's in trouble? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine. [Michael] Waa... what? What are you talking about? [Dwight] Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours. [Oscar] Is that true, Toby? [Toby] Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. [Dwight] No you can't do that. [Michael] I can do that, it is my office. [Michael] Hmmm. Ha. Alright. Great. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine? [Kevin] I'm not taking Rogaine. [Dwight] Angela, what about you? [Angela] I don't take any prescription drugs. [Dwight] Good. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. I mean not everything, Jim. I promise, I'm not that kind of... [Pam] Hey guys, what's going on? [Kelly] We're having the best conversation. [Pam] Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Kelly] So, I was looking so hot... --------------------------------------- [Michael] It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. [Phyllis] We don't feel that way. [Angela] No, not at all. [Oscar] You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc. [Michael] No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, "Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs." [Dwight] Thank you, Michael. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. [Stanley] Where did you get these facts? [Michael] Are these facts scaring you, or are they not? [Stanley] They are not. [Michael] Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? [Stanley] No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants. [Michael] Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with? [Toby] Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. [Michael] Yes it is. [Toby] No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors. [Michael] Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. [Toby] You can't do that. [Michael] I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. [Toby] That's not random. [Michael] Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam. [Pam] I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs. [Michael] Really? [Pam] Uh, hmmm. [Michael] Jim it's okay. You can t... This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. Oh, he's doing it, okay. It's okay. Oh. Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. Okay, well. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. [Dwight] No, you will be tested. [Michael] Yes, I will not be. [Dwight] You will be. That is the law according to the rules. [Michael] Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy. [Linda] We test a lot of urine. [Dwight] Mine was green. [Linda] Oh, right. How are you? [Dwight] I'm all better. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done. [Dwight] What kind of filing? [Michael] Just forget it. Just the urine. [Dwight] That goes directly to the tester. [Michael] Just. I need your urine. [Dwight] Like in a cup? [Michael] Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight. [Dwight] For what purpose? [Michael] It's none of your business. [Dwight] Then I refuse. [Michael] Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. [Dwight] Are you serious? [Michael] I need clean urine for the lady. [Dwight] But that's illegal. [Michael] Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes [Dwight] Not my urine. [Michael] A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. [Dwight] Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? [Michael] No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Do you want to give Michael your urine? [Dwight] I want him to have all the urine he needs. [Angela] You're not going to get my permission on this. [Dwight] I know that. Don't you think I know that? --------------------------------------- [Linda] Yeah, we do testing all over the country. [Ryan] Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring? [Linda] You want to work at the urinalysis lab? [Ryan] Yeah. Maybe. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. --------------------------------------- [Pam] What? Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I'd like a magazine. [Linda] We just need urine, sir. [Kevin] I'd still like one. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. [Dwight] That's great. [Michael] What's wrong? Where's your costume? [Dwight] It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. [Michael] Why? Wha... [Dwight] I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Here. Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight. [Jim] Hi. [Pam] Hey. [Jim] How much time do you have left on your break? [Pam] Ten minutes. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch. [Dwight] Really? [Michael] Yes, sir. [Dwight] That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked . [Michael] So you wanna? Thanks. [Hank] Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security. [Michael] Okay. [Hank] Here's your badge. [Dwight] Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. Can I have a gun? [Hank] No, I don't have a gun. [Dwight] Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff. [Hank] I don't think so. [Michael] Good. [Dwight] Thank you, Michael. [Michael] No. Oh. Uh... [Dwight] I need to go over some details with you. [Michael] Alright. Well, Thank you. [Dwight] First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have? [Hank] Two. [Dwight] Oh, God. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e20", "title": "Drug Testing"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Conflict Resolution [Kevin] So, uh... you found a band for your wedding yet? [Pam] No. [Kevin] 'Cause I'm in a band. We really rock. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah, I mean it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life. And we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Oh I got the 'Save The Date'. [Pam] Yeah? [Phyllis] Yeah, pretty stationery. [Pam] Oh, thanks! [Angela] I didn't get mine yet. [Pam] Uh... --------------------------------------- [Pam] There are a few people I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward but ... it's my wedding. And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, thanks, Fantastic Sam's. Adult Cut Plus. Comes with a shampoo and blow dry. We're doing I.D. photos today. Gotta represent. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Uh, on or off? [I.D. Photographer] Off. [Phyllis] Okay... [Dwight] Oh! What is on your face? Is that a disguise? [Phyllis] Excuse me. [Dwight] Clown paint. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? --------------------------------------- [Michael] That's a nice tie. [Ryan] Thank you. [Michael] That is... who makes that? [Ryan] Um, I don't... [Michael] Do you mind if I wear that for the photo? [Ryan] Um... let's um, let's keep our clothes. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] It's like child abuse. I say, if Jesus saw that, he'd freak out! He'd freak out, Toby! I mean on some levels... it's... and I'm supposed to work there. I'm supposed... [Michael] What's the dealio? [Toby] Just letting Oscar vent a little. We would use the break room, but the photographer's back there today. [Michael] What's the problem? [Oscar] Angela! [Toby] It's just a little dispute over a poster in their workspace. [Oscar] Since Christmas. [Michael] So what, you're having a little spat. I forget, are you guys dating? [Oscar] No. [Toby] Michael, can I talk to you for a uh, second please? [Michael] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen. [Michael] Yeah? [Toby] These things just have a way of working themselves out. [Michael] Okay. [Toby] It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it. [Michael] What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So... [Toby] Okay. [Michael] Okay... what? [Toby] That was the right decision for me and my marriage. [Michael] Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please? --------------------------------------- [Michael] A mediator's tool chest. Okay, well, before we get started, you should know that are 5 different styles of conflict. My Shaolin temple style defeats your monkey style. [Angela] Can we go? I have a lot of work to do. [Michael] No. Okay, this is important. The first style is lose/lose. [Oscar] What's the next one? [Michael] Just hold on, please! Okay, if we do lose/lose, neither of you gets what you want. Do you understand? You... you would both lose. Now I need to ask you, do you want to pursue a lose/lose negotiation? [Angela] Can we just skip to whatever number 5 is - win/win or whatever? [Michael] Win/Win is number four and number five is win/win/win. The important difference here is with win/win/win, we all win. Me too. I win for having successfully mediated a conflict at work. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, since this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings using "I" emotion language and no judging or "you" statements. [Angela] I got this poster for Christmas, and I feel I want to see it everyday. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor. [Michael] Come on, seriously, that? [Oscar] I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hardcore porno. I'm talking about the... [Michael] Okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop! Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win/win. [Pam] Win! [Michael] Yes. Thank you, Pam. How about Angela makes the poster into a t-shirt, which Oscar wears. That way, he can never see it and whenever she looks at Oscar, she can see it. Win/win/win. [Oscar] No. [Angela] That's... no... [Michael] Okay... well, brainstorm. Own the solution. [Angela] How about, I leave it up? [Oscar] How 'bout, she takes it down? [Pam] How about, Angela can keep it up on Tuesdays and Thursdays? [Michael] Okay, that is called a compromise. And it is style 3. And it is not ideal. To sum up, win/win - make the poster into a t-shirt, win/lose - take the poster down, compromise - Tuesdays and Thursdays. And the answer is... make the poster into a t-shirt! Win/win. [Pam] Win. [Oscar] Fine. [Angela] But, it... [Michael] It is done! [Pam] Win --------------------------------------- [Photographer] No, you're all good. [Creed] Great. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Angela. I didn't have your zip code. [Angela] Oh. Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Angela] It was hand delivered. But, I did get a Save The Date after all. It's not my taste. --------------------------------------- [Toby] You solved it? [Michael] Yes. [Toby] Well, good. We can, uh, throw that one out. [Michael] Are those all the other complains? [Toby] Mmm-Hm. [Michael] I would like to see those please. [Toby] I... I can't do that. [Michael] You can't do that, huh? Huh, ok. Now you and I have a conflict. I order you to give me that file. [Toby] That... [Michael] Okay. There! No more conflict. I had to use win/lose on that. It was not pretty. All right... is that it? [Toby] It's all Dwight's. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Every Friday at 4, I have a standing appointment with Dwight for him to file a grievance against Jim. I tell him that I'm sending them to a special file in New York. That box is the special file in New York. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ohh... God. Alright. Why do I have to do everything? --------------------------------------- [Photographer] Are you sure? [Dwight] Oh, he's sure. Just shoot. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is from Kevin. He says Stanley uses his Miracle Whip without asking. Meredith complains that everyone talks too loud in the morning and the lights are too bright. Creed... huh. Duh, duh. Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day and wants a seat facing the receptionist. [Pam] Nice. [Michael] You will notice that not one of these complaints is against me. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Actually, I have a separate folder for complaints against Michael. This is January through March of this year. --------------------------------------- [Michael] How many of you have at one time gone to Toby to complain about another employee? And... did you get what you wanted, or were you merely listened to, you forget about your problem, and you move on? That is outrageous! I love this place... and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering... Okay, today we are going to get everything out of these files and into the open, where it can be resolved. Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute? [Angela] You already did me. [Michael] That's what she said. The thing is, Angela... you are in here an awful lot. You have complained about everybody in the office, except Dwight, which is odd because everyone else has had run ins with Dwight. Toby, by the way, what does "redacted" mean? There is a file full of complaints in here marked "redacted"... ? [Toby] Yeah, it just means whoever complained came to me later and withdrew it, so I took their name off. [Michael] Oh, ok. There were a bunch of complaints about Dwight that were put in the redacted file about six months ago. [Dwight] Whoa.. wha... wait. If someone has a problem with me, why would they withdraw it six months ago? [Pam] Um... let's move on. I volunteer. Did anyone have a problem with me? [Michael] All right, Pamela. Come on down! Let's do it! And ... okay. Just one complaint. Actually, it has been withdrawn. So that is no help to us. Next. [Pam] Wait, what did it say? [Michael] Uh... "Does she have to plan her wedding on office time? Couldn't she do that at home?" Who else? Why don't we just warm up first? Warm up emotionally, all right? --------------------------------------- [Pam] I have this kind of big secret about Angela. And I've been really nice to her... and I haven't told anyone. And what the hell?! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here is a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Ugh, join the club. [Ryan] My voicemail's really spotty... sometimes... [Kelly] I didn't file a complaint. I was just talking. [Toby] To your HR representative. [Kelly] To my friend, I thought. I want that withdrawn. [Toby] Fine, I'll take your name off. So no one will know. [Michael] Makin' progress. Yes? [Jim] Dwight tried to kiss me. [Michael] What?! [Jim] And I didn't tell anyone because I'm not really sure how I feel about it. [Dwight] That is not true. Redact it. Redact it! [Jim] Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it. [Dwight] Okay, question. When a name is withdrawn, does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York? [Toby] Sure. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Stanley. [Pam] Hey. Thanks for ratting me out! [Michael] You got a lot of anger under there buddy. Come on start us out. Unleash it. [Anglea] I didn't do it! [Pam] I find that hard to believe... considering you have problems with every single person in this entire office except Bobblehead Joe. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only". Stanley, you know that's not true. [Stanley] I didn't say that. [Creed] Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door? [Michael] Okay, Phyllis. You complained that Angela's giving you dirty looks. And you tried to get off the party planning committee. [Phyllis] No, I never said any such thing. Angela and I are close. [Michael] And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says that you cry too much, and that bugs him. [Phyllis] Stanley and I are close, too. [Stanley] We sit close. [Michael] Oh... ok. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Just take it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I can't believe Angela. I went against my better judgment, and I gave her a Save The Date. And now it turns out she complained about me to Toby. [Jim] Well, it was redacted. Look, if she wants an invite, maybe she's just trying to be friends. [Pam] Don't take her side. [Jim] Well, what does Roy think about everything? [Pam] I don't know. I try not to bother him about this kind of stuff. [Jim] You mean your thoughts and feelings? [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] Yeah... --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] I know you keep saying it's your space, even though there's no assigned parking, but I keep forgetting. [Angela] Yes, that's the problem. [Phyllis] I guess so... [Michael] Okay, well... all settled, then. [Phyllis] I don't like you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell? --------------------------------------- [Creed] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious. But they smell like death. --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right, Kevin. You are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that will make him uncomfortable. [Kevin] I accept your decision! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey... you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo I.D. taken together. [Dwight] That doesn't make any sense. [Jim] Well, it saves time, you know. 'Cause we could just meet in the parking lot every morning. Walk in together. Perfect. [Photographer] Smile. [Dwight] No. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. --------------------------------------- [Jim] This came out really well. There you go. [Dwight] This is humongous. I am not a security threat... [Jim] Oh. [Dwight] And my middle name is 'Kurt', not 'Fart'. [Jim] What did I write? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. [Toby] Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. [Dwight] What box?! --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] But I didn't report your snoring- [Stanley] Wednesdays, tearful. Tuesdays... [Michael] Uh. Dwight. [Dwight] Ah... agh... dgh... Ahh! No, no! Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. [Michael] Okay! Calm down. [Dwight] No! You calm down! Who's side is Toby on? Who's side are you on? [Michael] Hey, hey! [Dwight] Him or me? [Michael] Stop. [Dwight] Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. [Michael] Okay... [Dwight] Either he goes, or I go. [Michael] Dwight... [Dwight] You choose! [Michael] Stop... [Dwight] One of us is out of here by the end of today! [Michael] Oh... kay... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I am not bluffing! [Michael] Okay. [Dwight] Okay? [Michael] Yes. [Dwight] Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years. [Michael] Mm-hmm. [Dwight] I deserve this. You know I do! [Michael] You know your I.D. says you're a security threat? [Dwight] You have till five. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, 'cause I'll still be working here. Transfer! Transfer! Everybody! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! Transfer! [Michael] Okay... you two, in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to." --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone." --------------------------------------- [Jim] That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'." --------------------------------------- [Jim] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier." --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Maybe Stanford would be cool. [Dwight] It's a good market. Higher volume. [Jim] Yeah. Maybe we should both go. [Dwight] I have a girlfriend... [Jim] Sure you do, Dwight. Sure. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later. [Dwight] So, you going to transfer Jim or not? [Michael] Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work. [Dwight] I want an answer by tomorrow. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week? [Dwight] Fine. [Michael] Good. Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here? [Photographer] I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos. [Michael] Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right? [Photographer] You mean digital? [Michael] It'll take like two seconds. [Photographer] 20 bucks. [Michael] Ugh... All right. Everybody, come on. Group photo for the newsletter. [Stanley] You gotta be kiddin' me. [Michael] Come on, everybody. [Dwight] Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go. --------------------------------------- [Photographer] One, two, three... smile. Try to smile. [Michael] We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts. [Photographer] Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three. [Michael] Good, let's check that out. Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more. [Photographer] That'll be another 20. [Michael] What? [Pam] Angela, I want to talk to you about something. [Michael] You just press the button. [Angela] What? [Jim] No, Pam. [Pam] I am. It's about the Save The Date. [Jim] Pam, it wasn't her. [Pam] What?! [Jim] I'm the one who complained about you. [Jim] I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. I was just venting. [Michael] Okay, good. Check that out. [Jim] You know, it was one day. [Michael] That's terrible. [Jim] And I took it right back. It was like... [Pam] Okay. [Phyllis] Oh, dear. [Michael] Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up. --------------------------------------- [Michael] One, two.. Didn't say three, did I? --------------------------------------- [Michael] But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye. [Female worker] Okay, Jan will see you now. [Jim] Oh, thanks. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e21", "title": "Conflict Resolution"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Casino Night [Michael] Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night and we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it's illegal in Pennsylvania, but it's for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just... It's nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, "Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening." Makes you feel good. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two? [Dwight] I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years. [Pam] It's a nice tux. [Dwight] I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so family heirloom. --------------------------------------- [Roy] So, what's the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That's lame. [Pam] Come on, it'll be fun, and besides, I'm a roulette expert. [Dwight] Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill, it is a game of chance. [Jim] I can always kind of win at roulette. [Dwight] Oh, really? Mmm-hmm. [Jim] Yeah. [Dwight] How would you do that? [Jim] Mind control. [Dwight] You can't be serious. Are you serious? [Jim] Ever since I was a little kid, like, eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind. [Dwight] I don't believe you. Continue. [Jim] It was just little thing, you know, like I could make something shake or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things. [Dwight] That's ridiculous. You know what? Uh... Why don't you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence. Go ahead. [Jim] Okay, I'll try. [Dwight] Oh, my God. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It's more of a David-and-Goliath thing. [Jan] Yeah, but... Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee. [Michael] Top 80 percent! [Jan] Michael? [Michael] Yeah? [Jan] You know that I'm very serious here. [Michael] Jan, listen, I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam! [Jan] What? [Michael] Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you, not that I have you or have ever had you, but we're having our Casino Night tonight and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here. [Jan] I thought that you were their fearless leader. [Michael] I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chavez. [Jan] I think you can handle it. [Michael] Oh, come on. Come on. [Jan] I think so, Michael... [Michael] You know, it'd be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break. [Jan] Goodbye, Michael. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, some day. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, everybody. Tonight's event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America. [Oscar] Again? We do that every year. [Michael] Well, they need our money. They don't have cookies like the Girl Scouts. [Oscar] It'd be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering. [Michael] Well, Oscar, if you don't like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration. [Dwight] Yes! [Michael] So get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief. [Jim] That doesn't exist anymore. [Michael] Comedy is very much alive, as are homeless people. [Pam] No, they stopped making that show. [Michael] Well, then, they need our money more than ever. [Angela] You have to pick an approved, non-profit organization. --------------------------------------- [Creed] There's a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I'll probably give the money to them. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Something with animals. Or people. --------------------------------------- [Angela] We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna... [Toby] Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going? [Michael] Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. [Jim] I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan. [Michael] No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. [Phyllis] Afghani. [Michael] What? [Phyllis] Afghani. [Michael] That's a dog. [Pam] No, that's Afghan. [Michael] That's a shawl. [Dwight] Wait, canine AIDS? [Michael] No. Humans with AIDS. [Creed] Who has AIDS? [Jim] Guys, the Afghanistananies. [Michael] Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians, JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. "I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head." And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams. --------------------------------------- [Jim] What are you doing? [Pam] Oh, nothing. [Jim] "Till Death Do Us Rock." [Pam] They're wedding bands. [Jim] Oh. [Pam] Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he's concentrating more on the bachelor party now. [Jim] Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don't hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they're all probably very bad and that will make me feel better about not having dreams. [Pam] There's a KISS cover band in here. [Jim] Let's do it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I'm pretty happy these days. I'm getting married soon and I'm getting along with everybody at work. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know... I have no future here. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works? [Darryl] Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse. [Michael] It's Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place. [Darryl] Except my warehouse. [Michael] Well, actually, it's my warehouse. [Dwight] Actually, it's owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease. [Michael] Why are you here? [Dwight] When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection. [Michael] Not. I said, not that. [Darryl] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen. [Michael] That's ironic. [Darryl] What? [Michael] That you are afraid. [Darryl] Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood? [Michael] Dinkin' flicka. [Darryl] Dinkin' flicka. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin' flicka." You know, things us Negroes say. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Give me some. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow. I don't know how you're gonna decide. They are all extremely good. [Pam] I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza. [Jim] Yes. [Pam] Have three stages, yeah. [Jim] Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. [Pam] Oh. [Jim] Let's take a look. Nice. [Pam] Oh, wait. That's Kevin. On the drums. [Jim] What? [Pam] On the drums! On the drums! [Jim] Oh, my God, that's Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he's the drummer and the singer. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] We really don't do a lot of weddings. We actually don't play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam's wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow. Oh! [Pam] Oh, my... [Jim] Yeah, you haven't seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I'm gonna call the label, we're gonna... [Pam] No! No! [Jim] No, Pam, you're gonna lose him to another wedding. [Pam] No, come back! No, no, no! [Jim] Kev! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes [Pam] Michael, Carol Stills for you. [Michael] Who? [Pam] Carol Stills. [Michael] Do I know a Carol Stills? [Pam] Your realtor. [Pam] It's still me. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Sometimes I don't put Michael through until he's already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Carol, you're on with Michael. [Carol] Hello, Michael? [Michael] Hi, Carol. How you doing? [Carol] I'm great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance. [Michael] Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place. [Carol] Oh, great. [Michael] Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It's okay. At Christmas, the tree helped. [Carol] Oh, good, I'm glad. Can I drop it over later? [Michael] Actually, I'm sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night. [Carol] Oh, great. [Michael] Yeah, it'll be good. You know what? Why don't you come by? Bring the papers, I'll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink. [Carol] To the casino thing? [Michael] Yeah. It'll be fun. What do you... What do you... [Carol] What? [Michael] Oh, I'm sorry. Could you hold on? Yes? [Pam] Michael, Jan's on line two. [Michael] Okay, put her through. Jan Levinson, I presume? [Pam] It's still me. Uh, Jan, here's Michael. [Jan] Michael? [Michael] Hey, Jan. How you doing? [Jan] You know, I... I thought about it and you are right. [Michael] I am? [Jan] I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night. [Michael] Oh, okay. [Jan] Incidentally, what is the charity? [Michael] AIDS. [Jan] Okay, then. I will see you tonight. [Michael] Okay, sounds great. [Jan] Bye-bye. [Michael] Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just... [Carol] No problemo. [Michael] Right. [Carol] To answer your question... [Michael] Yeah? [Carol] Yes. [Michael] What? [Carol] I'd love to go. [Michael] Okay. [Carol] I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn't be a problem. [Michael] Problem. Good. [Carol] And I'll bring the papers, too. [Michael] Good, All right. Sounds great. [Carol] I'll see you tonight. [Michael] Bye. [Carol] Bye. [Michael] Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh, my God! [Roy] Yeah! That's great. [Michael] Hey, hey. [Carol] Hi. [Michael] Hey, Carol. [Carol] Hi. [Michael] You look great. [Carol] Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here. [Michael] Oh, well... Kiss. That's how we do it in the paper biz. It's European and... Yes? Ah, Dwight [Dwight] Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'm Michael's wingman. I've got his back. Two dates. He's got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, "We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them." --------------------------------------- [Michael] Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters. [Carol] Drink would be good. [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things. --------------------------------------- [Billy's Girlfriend] I'm gonna get a drink. Do you need anything? [Billy] No, I'm fine. Thank's sweetheart. [Billy's Girlfriend] Okay. [Michael] Billy, your nurse is hot. [Billy] That's my girlfriend. [Michael] Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet. [Billy] She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili's. She was my waitress. [Michael] Chili's is great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss. [Stanley] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise? [Michael] Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let's get it started! Black-Eyed Crows. [Dealer] Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold'em. Good luck, everybody. That's at least four red chips to you, sir. [Michael] All-in. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I'm not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me? --------------------------------------- [Toby] I'll call. [Michael] What are... That's insane. [Toby] I have good cards. [Michael] Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn't that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don't be stupid. Just take it back. [Dealer] No, I'm sorry. He can't, sir. He's gone all-in. [Michael] Okay, all right, whatever. [Dealer] Flip them. [Michael] You really screwed that up. [Meredith] Wow. --------------------------------------- [Toby] I don't really play cards, but I'm not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I will raise. Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Jim] It's the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds. --------------------------------------- [Carol] Wow, bad luck. [Michael] Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [Jan] Michael? [Michael] Jan. [Jan] Hi. [Michael] Look, okay, I think we're all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship. [Jan] What are you... Just... Wait, what're you talking about? [Carol] What does that mean? [Michael] After you said you weren't coming, I invited Carol to come and I don't think that I did anything wrong. [Jan] No. No, you didn't. Hi, I'm Jan. I'm Michael's boss. [Carol] Hi, hi. [Jan] Does anyone want a drink? [Carol] No, I'm good. [Jan] Okay. [Michael] Um... [Dwight] Hey, hey. [Michael] Hey. What... [Dwight] Jan's here. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Give me the dice. [Kevin] Come on, Dwight. [Dwight] Let's go. [Billy] It's all on you, baby. Let's go. [Angela] Good evening, Dwight. What is this? [Dwight] Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins. [Kevin] Yes. [Angela] Then roll an eight. [Dwight] Thank you, Angela. [Angela] Good luck, Dwight. [Dwight] Yeah! Yeah! [Kevin] Dwight, let's keep it going. Let's keep it going. Let's go. [Oscar] Let it ride. Let it all ride. [Dwight] Give me the dice! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah, right. [Pam] "Yeah, right," what? [Jim] What was this? [Pam] I have good cards. [Jim] Really? [Pam] Mhmm, And I'm gonna take you all-in. [Jim] Wow. I think you're bluffing. [Kevin] Yeah, I think she's full of it. [Pam] Straight. [Jim] Oh. Three nines. [Kevin] Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen. [Jim] Thank you very much. It was fun. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Cosmopolitan, please. [Carol] Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That's a long drive. [Jan] Well, it's part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So... Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been... [Carol] Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess. [Jan] Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport. [Carol] Well, I'm having a nice time. [Jan] Oh, me too. Me too. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can. [Jim] So, that's still going on, huh? You and Kelly? --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right! [Dealer] The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four! [Dwight] Come on, shooter! [Michael] Four! Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. All right, here we go! [Carol] All right. [Michael] Yeah! [Dealer] Five. [Michael] So close. So close. [Dwight] Come on. So where you staying? Radisson? [Jan] What? [Dwight] Super 8? [Jan] No, I... [Dwight] Motel 6? Best Western? [Jan] I didn't... I don't know... [Dwight] Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael? --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah... I'm pretty good at poker. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] All-in. [Phyllis] Okay, let's do it. [Bob Vance] Good Luck, honey. [Phyllis] Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn't matter, it's just fun to play. [Kevin] Three queens. [Dwight] Nice, very nice. [Phyllis] I have an ace. [Oscar] No, that's a flush. [Dwight] Oh, man! [Phyllis] Oh, I have a flush! [Bob] Yes! [Phyllis] Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again? --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I suck. --------------------------------------- [Roy] She took you down, huh? [Kevin] I do not want to talk about it. [Roy] Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock. [Kevin] Yeah? [Roy] Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding? [Kevin] Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay? [Roy] Whatever. I'm in charge of the music. [Kevin] Dude, you will not be sorry. [Roy] Sweet. All right. [Kevin] All right. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Smoke? [Jim] No, thanks. You having fun? [Jan] Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here. [Jim] Yeah, we all really... [Jan] Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed [Jim] Well, I think you look great. [Jan] Why did I hook up with Michael? [Jim] Yeah, why did you? [Jan] It was very late, Jim. Very... Very late and... Have you given any more thought to the transfer? [Jim] Oh, yeah. [Jan] Good. Have you told anyone? [Jim] No. [Jan] Well, you should. --------------------------------------- [Bob] Excuse me. Big moment. The evening's chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin! [Creed] Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Sorry, babe. I am just beat. [Pam] It's okay. I'll see you at home. [Roy] Okay. Hey, don't try to lose too much money, all right? [Pam] Okay. [Roy] If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right? [Jim] Okay, will do. [Roy] See you. [Pam] Bye! Hey. [Jim] Hey, how's it going? [Pam] Good, especially after I took all your money in poker. [Jim] Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something? [Pam] About when you want to give me more of your money? [Jim] No, I... [Pam] Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight. [Jim] I was just... I'm in love with you. [Pam] What? [Jim] I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just... [Pam] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that? [Jim] I just needed you to know. Once. [Pam] Well, I um... I... I can't. [Jim] Yeah. [Pam] You have no idea... [Jim] Don't do that. [Pam] ...what your friendship means to me. [Pam] I can't. I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault. [Jim] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Hey. I'm leaving. [Michael] Hey, okay. [Jan] So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud. [Michael] Thank you. [Jan] And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks. [Michael] Okay. Thanks for coming. [Jan] Nice to meet you. [Carol] You, too. [Jan] And you guys have a good time together. [Michael] Okay. Talk to you Monday. [Jan] Yeah. [Carol] Goodbye. [Michael] Good night. She's a good boss. [Carol] She seems really nice. [Michael] Oh, she's great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I've got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good. --------------------------------------- [Pam] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn't know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don't know, mom, he's my best friend. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, I think I am. I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim...

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e22", "title": "Casino Night"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Office Olympics [Michael] I'm an early bird, and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast. [Ryan] I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. [Michael] Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan. [Ryan] What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for? [Michael] Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don't you take a couple hours. The office is yours. "Home Alone," "Risky Business." Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do. [Ryan] I'm just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. [Michael] Ok. Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate. [Dwight] Diversifying. Smart. [Michael] Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they'd throw you in the stocks and humiliate you. [Dwight] And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People'd obey the law, there'd be less troublemakers. [Michael] Maybe. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it's up to me to revive him. --------------------------------------- [Pam] You see Dwight's coffee mug? [Jim] Mm-hmm. [Pam] Sometimes when he's not here, I try to throw stuff in it. [Jim] No way. Let's do this Oh. [Pam] Here. [Jim] Wind. [Pam] Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight. [Jim] Perfect. [Pam] Oh. [Jim] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] You should go. [Michael] Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. [Dwight] Uh huh. [Michael] Sign the papers at the condo. [Dwight] You have your lawyer there? [Michael] Uh, I don't need one. [Dwight] Can I be your representative? [Michael] I don't need a representative. [Dwight] I think I should be there. [Michael] No, No. [Dwight] I'm good. I can make sure things are up to code. [Michael] No. Dwight. I'm fine. [Dwight] Please, I'm always the guy you rely on at work. [Michael] Well, this isn't about work. This is closing on a condo, it's completely personal. [Dwight] So you're taking a personal day? [Michael] Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. [Dwight] Please, I'll make you proud. [Michael] Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come. [Dwight] Yes! As your representative? [Michael] As my associate. [Dwight] Same thing. [Michael] No it is not. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that's the way they talk in movies. [Pam] You headed out? [Michael] We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don't you have everybody work on their expense reports and I'd like them in by the end of the day. [Pam] Ok. [Michael] Very good. [Pam] Have a great time. [Michael] We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines? [Pam] Yeah, I changed them to your new address. [Michael] Good. The Small Business Man? [Pam] Yup. [Michael] Maxim? American Way? Cracked? [Pam] Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription. [Michael] How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly? [Michael] NO, well can you get on that, because I don't just read Cracked. Thank you. [Pam] Yeah. [Michael] Ok. See you soon. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What kind of shocks you got on this baby? [Michael] I don't know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing? [Dwight] I want to put the top down. [Michael] What? No, Dwight. It's fifty degrees outside. Don't... please... [Dwight] But then no one can see us. [Michael] I... Just... Would you put it up? Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner. [Dwight] Check it out. Terminator. [Michael] I do not understand what you spend your money on. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Ooh. [Jim] Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter? [Oscar] Yeah. It's a terrible system, I know. [Jim] What does 2005 season mean? [Oscar] Eh. [Jim] Wait a minute, what is this? [Oscar] It's a scoreboard. [Jim] What? [Oscar] Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out. [Jim] Really? [Oscar] Yeah. [Kevin] Or when we're bored. [Jim] Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. [Kevin] We're bored a lot. --------------------------------------- [Jim] OH! [Kevin] Oh! [Oscar] Sweet! [Jim] Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah. [Kevin] We call it Hate Ball. [Jim] Why? [Kevin] Because of how much Angela hates it. [Jim] Hey, do you guys have any other games? [Kevin] Sometimes we play "Who can put the most M&M's in their mouth?" [Oscar] You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Home, sweet home. [Dwight] Which one's yours? [Michael] Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back... wait... no, it's this one, right here. Home, sweet home. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So that's what this sound is all day. --------------------------------------- [Carol] Michael, this is Bill. He's the head of the condo association. [Michael] Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He'd always get rolled over by something. [Bill] Nice to meet you. [Michael] Nice to meet you too. [Dwight] This is smaller than your old place. [Michael] Yeah, small. I'm buying it and I'm not renting it. So, it's still an upgrade. He doesn't know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for s*x. --------------------------------------- [Carol] Are we ready to sign some papers? [Dwight] Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. [Bill] It's very safe. It's very clean. Also, it's very accepting of all lifestyles. [Carol] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood. [Michael] Oh. Good. That's good. It's good to be accommodating of that. [Dwight] Let's go check out the master bedroom. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games? [Stanley] Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college." [Jim] Fair enough. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. [Dwight] Oh. Terrible idea. [Michael] I'm putting my bed right over here. [Dwight] No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. [Michael] Well, then I will get a warrantee. [Dwight] Warrantees don't cover it, plus they're a rip-off. [Michael] Well then I won't get a warrantee. [Dwight] Shh Shh. [Michael] So that's the problem, is solved. What? [Dwight] Listen. Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. --------------------------------------- [Jim] This scented candle ...andle ...andle. Which I found in the men's bathroom ...room ...room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. [Kevin] It smells like cookies. [Jim] Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. [Pam] Now the bronze are really blue, and they're also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. --------------------------------------- [Angela] I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Let the games begin. --------------------------------------- [Carol] And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow. [Dwight] What kind of mortgage did you get? [Michael] Uh... Ten year. [Carol] Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. [Michael] What? Wha? You said ten. [Carol] Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. [Dwight] Ho, thirty years. [Michael] Ok, ok, ok. [Dwight] Wow, you'll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. [Michael] Alright. [Dwight] Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey, I've got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live. [Michael] Ok. Alright. Oh boy. [Dwight] Well, this is it. [Carol] Whenever you're ready. [Michael] Um. Oh. Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off? [Carol] Actually yes. [Dwight] Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants. [Michael] Um. I'm going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. [Dwight] We'll be here waiting for you. [Michael] Oh, man. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he's buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people. --------------------------------------- [Carol] Whenever you're ready, Michael. [Michael] Uh. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I'm blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam? [Pam] Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton. [Jim] Hum. [Pam] In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. [Jim] Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. --------------------------------------- [Pam] The thing about Jim, is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone? [Phyllis] I'll do it. [Jim] Yes! Phyllis! Phyllis, just put your foot right through here . Right through the flonk. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don't... I don't... [Carol] What? [Michael] ...know if you showed me this same unit or not. [Carol] Michael, this is the unit you saw and... [Michael] Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. [Carol] Who told you that? [Michael] As far as I can tell, I'm the best-looking person here. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There's a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It's just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you've no place to go but down. --------------------------------------- [Carol] Is this a financial thing? If it's a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. [Michael] No, no, no. [Carol] That's some extra income for you. [Michael] I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. [Carol] You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. [Michael] Ehhhh.... --------------------------------------- [Michael] I made the right decision. I'm glad I signed. I'm a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We're having fun. [Dwight] Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Here we go. Here we go. [Pam] Go! Go! Go! [Oscar] Pair of shoes! [Jim] Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It's Phyllis! [Pam] It's Phyllis! [Jim] Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton. [Pam] Flonkerton. [Jim] Thank you, delegate from Iceland. [Meredith] Wow! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There's something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today. [Dwight] You didn't have to... [Michael] No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you've really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I don't even know what to say. [Michael] I'm thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we'll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you're, you know, you're gone. [Dwight] Question. Where can I put my terrarium? [Michael] What the hell is a terrarium? [Dwight] It's a fish tank for snakes and lizards. [Michael] Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. [Dwight] Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Are you sure you don't want to play? [Angela] I'm sure. [Pam] Come on Angela, don't you have a game? [Angela] I have one, yes. [Pam] Well, let's play, what is it? [Angela] I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. [Pam] We're friends. [Angela] Apparently. [Jim] Very nicely done. I think that's H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. [Phyllis] Are you calling me a ho? [Jim] Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas? [Michael] We take separate cars. [Dwight] Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? [Michael] Why would we do that? [Dwight] Just for fun? [Michael] No. [Dwight] Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance? [Michael] EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I'm sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I'm ... Ok. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it's under the porch. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Ah... [Everyone] OH! [Jim] Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? [Ryan] I did. [Jim] Ryan Howard. Ryan! Gold medal. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I made something for our closing ceremonies. [Jim] What? Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that? [Pam] Automatic voicemail. [Jim] Alright Pam, alright . Nice work! [Stanley] A little bit more and I would have had it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early. [Michael] Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst. [Dwight] People love beets. [Michael] Nobody likes beets. [Dwight] Everybody loves beets. [Michael] Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I'd love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. [Dwight] Let's get this roof going. [Michael] Stop it! [Dwight] Ow. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. [Stanley] Oscar! [Crowd] Go! Go! Go! [Jim] Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. Guys? [Dwight] What is going on? [Jim] Nothing. Guys? Timer's still going? Er? [Dwight] That's my stopwatch. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Here you go. All done. [Oscar] Great. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey. [Pam] I have 59 voicemails. [Jim] Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead? [Pam] Sure. [Jim] Okay, today. 5 o'clock. Closing Ceremonies. [Pam] Really? [Jim] Notify the athletes. [Pam] Cool. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Michael. [Michael] Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What's going... What's going on? [Jim] Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. [Michael] Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It's very cool. It's a three bedroom, gay-friendly. [Jim] Nice. [Michael] You know. [Jim] Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you. [Michael] Really? --------------------------------------- [Michael] What's this? [Jim] These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You're on the top one. Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [Michael] I don't really know what to say. Um, I'm not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. [Jim] And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. [Michael] Get up here, Dwight. [Dwight] Silver medal. [Michael] Yep, not as good as gold. Why are you playing the national anthem? [Jim] Um... 'Cause your condo's in America. [Michael] Oh. What the hell is that? [Jim] Those are the doves.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e03", "title": "Office Olympics"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Fire [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second. [Jim] Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud? --------------------------------------- [Jim] So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye. [Pam] Hey! You can just give her your extension. [Jim] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. [Ryan] The temp agency wants to know what you think. [Michael] Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? [Ryan] Ah, well, I'm interested in business. [Michael] Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? [Ryan] Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company. [Michael] That is ridiculous. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Much advice you seek. Do you know who that is? [Ryan] Fozzie bear? [Michael] Mmm... No. That was Yoda. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play. [Ryan] Got it. [Michael] And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] But it says no late fee... . [Dwight] People! [Angela] Okay! Everybody! [Dwight] This is not a test! Move to the exits! [Angela] Do not panic! [Dwight] Head towards the exits. [Angela] Safety partners. [Dwight] Get up off your desks! [Angela] Do not panic. [Oscar] No, I don't hear it? Alright. [Dwight] No, panic is warranted! [Angela] Go in single file lines. [Oscar] No, no. Finish the... [Dwight] This is not at drill! [Angela] Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides! [Dwight] Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively! [Angela] Go, let's go. [Dwight] This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This is not a test! Can you leave?! [Phyllis] Oh, you say that every time. [Dwight] DO YOU WANT TO DIE? [Phyllis] Oh, boy... [Dwight] Do you want to die? OUT!! [Angela] Alright, let's go, let's go. [Dwight] STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim? [Angela] Come on, you're safety partners! [Dwight] Move to the exits! [Angela] You're safety partners! [Dwight] We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you! [Kelly] I'm okay! [Dwight] Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose. [Kelly] Let go of me! [Dwight] Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he? --------------------------------------- [Michael] So what was rule two? [Ryan] Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act. [Michael] Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. [Dwight] Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off. [Michael] Okay, uh, well, one is taken. [Ryan] Uh, okay, two? [Dwight] NO! [Ryan] Okay... uh, sorry? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today. [Michael] Well, he needs a permanent number, right? [Ryan] No. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] ...I don't. [Dwight] Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers. [Michael] Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. [Dwight] That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers... --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy". --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do? [Stanley] Ooh. [Jim] And, um... [Pam] ...Would You Rather? [Jim] Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela. [Angela] The Bible. [Stanley] That's one book. You've got two others. [Angela] A Purpose Driven Life. [Jim] Nice. Third book? [Angela] No. [Jim] Okay. Phyllis. [Phyllis] Um, The DaVinci Code. [Angela] The DaVinci Code! [Jim] Nice. [Angela] I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code. [Dwight] Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question: is there fire wood on the island? [Jim] I guess. [Dwight] Then I would bring an axe, no books. [Jim] Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight. [Dwight] Fine. Physician's Desk Reference. [Jim] Nice. Smart. [Dwight] ...hollowed out, inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: did my shoes come off in the plane crash? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? [Ryan] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay. Thought people read more books. --------------------------------------- [Jim] DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith? [Meredith] Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow. [Pam] Legends of the Fall? [Jim] Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... . [Pam] Well, I kind of liked Legal... [Jim] Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable. [Pam] I take it back. [Jim] Unforgivable. [Pam] I take it back! [Jim] Good. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Is this your car, Ryan? [Michael] Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? [Ryan] Don't... [Dwight] Good shocks. [Michael] Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... [Ryan] That's actually a test prep book. [Michael] ...for Phone. What? [Ryan] That's a test prep for business school. [Michael] Um, oh, thinking about business school? [Ryan] I just got in. I applied, I go at night. [Michael] Really? [Ryan] Yeah. [Michael] So you think you know a lot about business? [Ryan] No, not yet. [Michael] Uh huh. [Ryan] Just started. [Michael] Yeah. Quiz me. [Ryan] I... wouldn't even know where to start. [Michael] Come on, egghead. Let's do it. [Dwight] Do it. [Michael] Quiz me up. [Ryan] All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years? [Michael] Uh... --------------------------------------- [Michael] When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer? [Dwight] Keep an existing... [Michael] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? Uh, it's equal. [Ryan] It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. [Michael] Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. [Dwight] Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks. [Michael] Okay, Dwight. [Dwight] Self taught. You didn't even go to college. [Michael] You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. [Dwight] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh? [Michael] For instance, why don't you go to business... [Dwight] You should learn from him, right? [Ryan] I am. [Dwight] Right? [Ryan] I am. [Michael] Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. [Dwight] Stupid! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? [Ryan] It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. [Michael] You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Pam? Get us back into it. [Pam] Okay. [Jim] Five movies. Go ahead. [Pam] Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... [Jim] Ooh, definitely in my top five. [Pam] Yes. In my top three, so suck it. [Jim] What? [Pam] Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and... [Jim] Okay that's five. [Pam] No, my all time favorite! [Jim] Pam, play by the rules. [Pam] All time favorite. [Jim] Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie. [Dwight] The Crow. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? [Ryan] Maybe we should get some air. [Michael] Nah, I'm okay. [Ryan] I'm really uncomfortable. --------------------------------------- [Jim] All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do? [Kevin] Present company excluded? [Jim] Um, not neccessari... [Kevin] Pam. [Oscar] Pam. [Jim] Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then... [song] Think you've had too much / in this life. [Jim] Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back. [Stanley] Okay, um... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight. Dwight. [Song] Everybody hurts, [Jim] Come on Dwight! Use words. [Song] Sometim... . [Dwight] Why didn't I go to business school? [Jim] Who goes to business school? [Dwight] The temp. [Jim] He does? [Dwight] Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. [Pam] You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'. [Dwight] He doesn't even know that I do that. [Pam] You should tell him. [Dwight] Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. [Pam] Dwight. [Jim] What? [Dwight] I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. [Jim] You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. [Dwight] Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins. [Jim] Yeah. You're right. [Dwight] Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time. [Pam] Kay. [Song] Everybody hurts [Jim] Alright buddy. [Song] Everybody cries [Roy] Hey! Guys, what's going on? [Jim] Nothing. [Pam] Hey! [Song] Everybody hurts [Roy] What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit? [Song] Sometimes [Roy] The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Come on people, you know the rules of the game now. [Michael] Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? [Stanley] Okay. It's called Who Would You Do? [Michael] Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy? [Roy] Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond? [Angela] My name is Angela. [Roy] Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you. [Michael] Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? [Jim] Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. [Michael] Well, I would definitely have s*x with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. [Roy] You're all gay. [Michael] Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... [Ryan] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing. [Michael] Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... [Dwight] Would that make you happy? [Michael] What's that? [Dwight] If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy? [Michael] Yeah. [Dwight] I'm on it. [Michael] Dwight. Hey! [Angela] You can't go in yet! [Michael] Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. [Kevin] What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. [Michael] I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] ...Jim. [Phyllis] Definitely Jim. [Kelly] Definitely, definitely, Jim. [Phyllis] Come on, Pam. [Kelly] How about you Pam? [Pam] Um... Oscar's kind of cute. [Phyllis] Yeah, I like Oscar. [Pam] Ooh, Toby! [Michael] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either. [Meredith] Is there anybody else. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs... [Michael] Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. [Ryan] What's your number? [Michael] I gave it to you in the car. [Ryan] Um... [Michael] I saw you program it in. [Ryan] You got to... you got to give it to me again. [Michael] Okay. Alright. [Ryan] Now I have it. [Michael] Uh, I better tell somebody. Excuse me, sir... [Michael] Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh. [Dwight] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. [Michael] Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. [Dwight] That's exactly what I said. [Michael] Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? [Dwight] Were you absent? [Michael] Toaster Oven 101? [Dwight] You failed? [Ryan] I am so sorry. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning! [Dwight and Michael] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning--- [Dwight] Everybody! [Michael] ...since the world was turning. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I can't believe I started the fire. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] ... Marilyn Monroe! [Dwight and Michael] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... [Dwight] Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it! --------------------------------------- [Katy] Hi! [Jim] Hey. [Katy] How are you? [Jim] Good, how are you? [Katy] I'm good. It's good to see you. [Jim] Good to see you, too. [Katy] I'm hungry. [Jim] Yeah, I am too. [Katy] Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers. [Jim] What answers? [Katy] Um, for the... the desert island. [Jim] Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. Desert Island. Five movies. Go. [Katy] Okay, um, first, Legally Blond. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch? [Katy] Okay. [Jim] Yeah? [Katy] Alright! You want to drive? [Jim] Sure. [Katy] Alright. --------------------------------------- [Katy] They are soo cute. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I'm really sorry, Dwight. [Dwight] Answer me this, though. [Ryan] What? [Dwight] Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp? [Ryan] No. [Kevin] Was it worth it? [Dwight] Really? [Ryan] I'm really sorry, Dwight. [Dwight] The fire guy! The fire guy! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e04", "title": "The Fire"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Halloween [Michael] Happy Halloween, everyone! Oh... that's great! [Pam] Hey... Happy Halloween. Jan called. [Michael] Ohh... OK. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I know why she's calling. It's the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I'm supposed to put on a costume and smile. Okay. [Sherri] Jan Levinson's office. [Michael] Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning. [Sherri] Oh, she's in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. [Michael] Well, I'm gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it's best to wait till the end of the day. [Sherri] I just need the name of who you're planning to let go. [Michael] I don't know... yet. I will have to call her back. [Sherri] I know she wanted the name. [Michael] Okay... Sherri? [Sherri] Yeah? [Michael] If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you? [Sherri] Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael. [Michael] Thanks. [Sherri] Mm-Hmm. [Michael] I'll call her back. Wish I could fire Sherri. [Sherri] Hey, I'm still here. [Michael] Okay! I'm sorry. [Sherri] Yeah. [Michael] No? [Sherri] OK. [Michael] Bye. [Sherri] Hanging up now. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It's... these are people's lives you're talking about. [Pam] You wanted me? [Michael] Yes. [Pam] Papier-mache? [Michael] Yes. [Pam] Hmm. [Michael] Yeeesh. [Pam] Mm-hmm. [Michael] Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. [Pam] Why did you put it off until Halloween? [Michael] Because it's very scary stuff. [Pam] I think it's gonna put a damper on the party a little. [Michael] You're worried about the party? There's a man's life at stake here. [Pam] So it's a man? [Michael] No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance... and who you think deserved to be fired - who would that be? [Pam] I just answer the phone. [Michael] And... sometimes you just let it go to voicemail. [Pam] You're costume is fantastic! [Michael] I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [Pam] Oh no, don't, don't, don't, don't. Aah! Okay... [Michael] Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What is that?! What are you supposed to be? [Jim] I'm a three hole punch version of Jim. 'Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch. [Phyllis] That's great! [Jim] Oh, yeah. [Dwight] Yeah, well look... What about me? [Phyllis] What are you? A monk? [Dwight] I am a Sith Lord. Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars. [Phyllis] Ass. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey. [Oscar] Michael. [Michael] You guys excited about the party? [Angela] Yeah. [Michael] It's gonna be fun. [Kevin] Yeah. [Angela] Yes. [Michael] Oh, boy... look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. [Oscar] What are you implying? [Michael] All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such? [Angela] You know, I don't know. We put them all up last night. [Michael] Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I'll approve the overages. Sound good? [Angela] Yeah. [Michael] Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I'm going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I'm going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. [Angela] But we don't keep two sets of books. [Michael] Well, that's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. [Kelly] Why is that? [Michael] "Bend It Like Beckham." [Kelly] Oh, like ... the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? [Michael] Yeah. That would be perfect. [Kelly] Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don't really play soccer or anything. [Michael] Well, I don't really have two heads. So... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Wait, what are you again? Oh, right... Three-hole PUNCH! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Okay, greatest strength. [Jim] Okay, okay... [Pam] A dog-like obedience to authority [Jim] Nice. [Pam] But that doesn't sound good. [Jim] Okay, okay. Um, how 'bout, the ultimate team player? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight is... special. But, I don't believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig's List. We're really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska... or India. --------------------------------------- [Pam] He's a gun nut. [Jim] Um. He sticks to his guns. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department... [Oscar] Yes? [Angela] ... that has three people... [Oscar] Yeah? [Angela] ... doing the work that could be done by two. [Oscar] This is great. Oh. [Kevin] Yeah. Oh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Who do you think it should be? [Dwight] Jim. Definitely. [Michael] No, Jim brings in money. [Dwight] Phyllis. [Michael] Eh. [Dwight] Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] One of the warehouse guys. [Michael] What? There was someone left off that list? Who? [Dwight] Who is he saying? [Michael] You're right, I didn't even think of him. [Dwight] No, Michael. [Michael] Yeah, that's actually a really good idea. [Dwight] No, not me. [Michael] Yeah... I could. [Dwight] Not Dwight. [Michael] I'm not saying that's what he said. [Dwight] I know that's what he said. [Michael] What? [Dwight] Tell him, not Dwight. [Michael] That is not a very nice thing to say about him. [Dwight] Tell him to stop. [Michael] Are you kidding? [Dwight] Quiet, you. [Michael] I agree. He'd land on his feet. [Dwight] Make him be quiet. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Those aren't chips and dip. [Pam] No, I made brownies. [Angela] Uh! [Pam] ... What? [Angela] I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things. [Pam] I made brownies. [Angela] And I made cookies. Same category. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I'm guessing Angela's the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. Uh, yeah. Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Um... Whoa. Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I'm gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Stanley, could you come with me, please. [Stanley] No. [Dwight] As Assistant Regional Manager... [Stanley] To the. [Dwight] Look! I've got some bad news. You're fired. You need to pack up your things and go. I'm serious, Stanley. It's over. I'm sorry. [Stanley] You're fired. Get your fingers off my phone. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So. How did it go with Stanley? How... how'd he take it? [Dwight] He wouldn't listen to me [Michael] Ahh, come on. [Dwight] If you want to fire him, you're going to have to tell him yourself. [Michael] I don't wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I'm certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I'm very flattered. Don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that it's my official resume or if it's something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I'm gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Oh... hey. [Ryan] Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just... [Oscar] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So you got the fax? So why didn't you add it to the res... ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there... burning. Fine! Okay... oh wait! So you'll let me know when you've made a decis... --------------------------------------- [Pam] Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who's getting a better job offer. Like, for real. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Don't take this the wrong way, but... you should go for that job. [Jim] Um... it's in Maryland. [Pam] Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it's definitely a step up. And a challenge. [Jim] Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe... maybe I will. [Pam] Jim... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This is called leveraging an offer. Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? [Michael] Oh, God. [Dwight] I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills. [Michael] Fantastic! [Dwight] And I turned it down. [Michael] What?! That would've solved all my problems. [Dwight] Out of loyalty to this company... [Michael] Oh, you idiot. [Dwight] ... so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially. [Michael] If you left, I wouldn't have to fire anybody. [Dwight] But then you wouldn't have me here. [Michael] Big deal. Oh, it would've worked out so well. Can you get it back? [Dwight] It's in Maryland. [Michael] You can call. Can you call 'em? [Dwight] I can't. I... I suppose I coul... no. They never really made me an offer anyway. [Michael] Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Honestly, I don't think Michael has the slightest clue of who he's gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone's going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what's going to happen is it's gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma. [Michael] Can I speak to you a minute? [Jim] Um... yes. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Michael, I really didn't mean to... [Michael] Help. Me. [Jim] I'm sorry? [Michael] I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it. [Jim] Oh, you want me to be you? [Michael] Yes. [Jim] Okay. [Michael] I want you to be me, and I will be Creed. [Jim] Oh, are you firing Creed? [Michael] No, no, no. That's just the first thing... came... in head. [Jim] We should switch seats in order to... [Michael] Yes, that's a good idea. [Jim] Alright. Excuse me. I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal... [Michael] Aaaahh! I'm gonna kill myself! [Jim] Wow. [Michael] I'm going to kill myself, and it's your fault! [Jim] That's an overreaction. [Michael] Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they're saying this has to be done by the end of the month. [Jim] Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you... [Michael] I... this is Creed. [Jim] Okay. [Michael] I'm improvising, so just try to keep up. [Jim] Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought. [Michael] And I'm very angry, and I want... [Jim] Michael Scott here. [Michael] I'm gonna kill you. I'm going to kill you for firing me. [Jim] Toby? Mm hmm. I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth... [Michael] Get off, get off. No, no. OK.. just get off. Just, just... yeah. --------------------------------------- [Pam] What happened? [Jim] It wasn't me. [Pam] Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was... [Jim] Yeah, I know. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Uh, hey... Creed? [Creed] Huh? [Michael] Could I talk to you for a second? --------------------------------------- [Michael] You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you'd wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop. [Creed] What are you telling me? [Michael] I... we're gonna have to... You... you want something better. [Creed] No, I don't. I wanna stay right here. [Michael] No, you wanna leave. [Creed] No, I wanna stay here. [Michael] Why... why are you making this so hard? [Creed] Um, I think there's a misunderstanding, Michael. [Michael] I think you're right. [Creed] Can I go? [Michael] No, of course you can't go. We haven't even started this horrible process of... okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you're a great guy, and I like you, you're... you're, goodbye. [Creed] Let's fight it. [Michael] Hmm? [Creed] Let's call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. [Michael] What old days? What are you talking about? [Creed] Did you start the paperwork yet? [Michael] It's right here on the desk, yeah. [Creed] You don't have to do this, Michael. [Michael] I can't, I can't... [Creed] Undo it! [Michael] I can't change anything. This is the way... [Creed] No, you have the power to undo it. [Michael] I don't... okay, just listen. [Creed] Michael, undo it! [Michael] Don't... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I have to fire someone today, okay? [Creed] Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He's terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. [Michael] Okay, well... I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you're always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. [Creed] No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You're they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you'd see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You're a fine man. [Michael] Don't... [Creed] Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one's gonna miss him. Good, good, good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Devon, could I talk to you for a sec? --------------------------------------- [Devon] Creed's an idiot, you know that. [Michael] Well, he... [Devon] No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time. [Michael] Well, maybe I did. [Devon] Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. [Michael] Huh. No! I can't, no. I can't go back. I would look like an idiot. [Devon] That's why I'm being fired? [Michael] No. [Devon] So you might not look like an idiot? [Michael] No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and... [Devon] This is unbelievable! [Michael] I just hope that you and I can remain friends. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Devon, wait, please. [Devon] What! [Michael] Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili's. From me. Okay? No hard feelings. [Devon] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I'm going to be at Poor Richard's. And the rest of you can go to hell! [Angela] What about the Halloween party? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I'm sorry... for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. [Jim] Come on. --------------------------------------- [Jim] That's just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we're friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I'm gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn't blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it's double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favorite food. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I love Halloween. You know, it's just, it's just fun. Every year, it's just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson's boob. It was topical. People got a... a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year. --------------------------------------- [Children] Trick or treat! [Michael] He... Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great. [Kid] I'm a bumble bee. [Michael] You look great! And you're a princess? [Kid] A fairy princess. [Michael] A fairy princess. You're very... . [Kid] I'm a lion. [Michael] You're a lion. Wow, I want to hear your, your... Oh! Oh, okay, that's all yours. That's all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e05", "title": "Halloween"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Fight [Dwight] Where is my desk? [Jim] That is weird. [Dwight] This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional. [Jim] Ok, well, you're the one who lost the desk. [Dwight] I didn't lose my desk. [Jim] Okay, calm down. Where was the last place you saw it? [Dwight] Okay, who moved my desk? [Jim] I think you should retrace your steps. [Dwight] Ok, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished! [Jim] Colder... warmer... little warmer... there you go, ooh, warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer... warmer ... cold, cold, cold, back up... ooh, ooh, warmer, hot, red hot, hot, very hot. [Dwight] Dwight Schrute. [Jim] Hi, Dwight, um, what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white model. [Dwight] Jim, I've given you this information, like, twenty times. [Jim] I know. [Dwight] It's by the ream? [Jim] Uh, yeah, ream. [Dwight] ...now, $9.78, signs and discounts 7%. [Jim] Ok, thank you, gotta get back to work. [Dwight] Wash your hands, Kevin. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Right, oh let me just check the pricing list. Hold on one second... [Dwight] Sensei, hello it's Sempai... [Jim] Umm... [Dwight] Dwight... [Jim] You know what, let me give you a call right back. I'm going to uh, find it and then I'll call you back, thanks. [Dwight] Yes, I just had a ques-... Yes Sensei. Arigatou gozaimashita. Hai. [Jim] Was that your mom? [Dwight] No, that was my Sensei. [Jim] Oh, I thought it was your mom. [Dwight] I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei. [Jim] Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool. [Dwight] Assistant Sensei. [Jim] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I am a practitioner of Goju Ru Karate, here in Scranton. My Sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt, and gave me the duties of a Sempai. Not that a lot of people here in America know what a Sempai is, but it is equally as respected as a Sensei. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] I don't want to stay until seven again this year. [Pam] I don't really have any control over that Stanley. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Umm, time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once a year, it all falls on the same Friday and that's today. I call it the Perfect Storm. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I don't want to work, I just want to bang on this mug all day. [Ryan] Did you ask me here for any specific reason? [Michael] Uhh, yes, I did, here's the dizzle. I have a very top secret mission for you. I want you to update all the emergency contact information. [Ryan] Why is that secret? [Michael] Hello, oh God, busy work. Ahh, get away, cretin. [Pam] Umm, I put stickers so you know where to sign. [Michael] Yes, thank you. I know where to sign. [Pam] It's just last year you... [Michael] Last year they were out of order, weren't they Pam? [Pam] Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at seven. So you need to have them signed by then. Or much earlier. [Michael] Chillax, Pam. Stop Pam-M-S-ing. That's pretty good. Um, actually, I'm sending Ryan on a top secret mission. Tell her what it is. [Ryan] Updating emergency contacts. [Pam] Well, is that really a priority? [Michael] Is it a priority? Oh I don't know, um, what if there is a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble. "Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't because we don't have any emergency contact information because Pam said it wasn't a priority." Think. Think with your head, Pam. Ok, well. She walks out. That's the problem with being a boss is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you. [Ryan] Catch-22. [Michael] Catch-22. Yes. Why don't you give me your contact information to start with, ok, what's your cell? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Uh, Larissa Halpert. [Ryan] What's her address? [Jim] 117 Mount Bergin St. [Ryan] Hello? [Michael] Hey Ryan. This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland. [Ryan] Do you mean Neverland? [Michael] This is Tito. [Ryan] What? [Michael] Calling from... --------------------------------------- [Pam] You're major and minor lines cross at a ridge - that sucks. [Jim] You making this up as you go along, aren't you? [Pam] I am just following the website. [Jim] Well, at least I don't have cavities. [Pam] Yes, you have very nice teeth. [Jim] Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Who is your emergency contact? [Kevin] Stacy. [Michael] Pick up. [Ryan] Hello? [Michael] This is Mike Tyson. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Dwight. As Sempai, do you think there is ever going to be a day where humans and robots can peacefully co-exist? [Dwight] Impossible. The way they're programmed... You're mocking me. [Jim] No I'm not. [Dwight] Look, I'm going to offer you a little piece of advice. I'm not afraid to make an example out of you. [Jim] Oh, that's not advice. What advice sounds like is this: umm, don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it. [Dwight] Ok, give that back to me. [Jim] Ok, say please. [Dwight] No. That is not a toy. [Jim] Please? [Dwight] Please? [Jim] Good, and it absolutely is a toy. Arigatou. [Dwight] Arigatou. This is not a toy. This is a message to the entire office so they can see that I am capable of physically dominating them. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And this is more a ying-yang thing. The 'Michael' all cursive, the 'Scott' all caps. Left brain, right brain. Or, duality of man. [Pam] Could you practice on the forms? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] No women or children, unless provoked. [Jim] Ok, Roy? [Dwight] Warehouse guy. Doesn't count. [Jim] Ok. Michael? Could you beat up Michael? [Michael] Yeah, yeah, I don't think that would happen. [Dwight] Because we're friends. [Michael] Because I would kick his ass. [Jim] Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so... [Michael] So? I've beaten up black belts. [Jim] Uh, how did you know they were black belts? [Michael] They told me. After. You see, I used to run with a very tough crowd. Street Fighter types. Real, real bad people, I'm just lucky I got out. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Is your wife still your contact? [Toby] Um, ex-wife. Yeah. Um, her last name is 'Becker' now. [Ryan] 'Kay. [Toby] You don't need to write 'ex'. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And after that, nobody ever messed with the 'Damn Rascals' ever again. [Jim] Sounds tough. When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right? [Michael] You were a Jet? [Angela] Have you signed the expense reports yet? [Michael] Yes, in theory, I have. I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's. Alright, I'm going to be in my office if anybody needs me. Hoo-hah. Oh, wow, sleeper hold. That's my rebuttal. Shhh. Hoo. You are the weakest link. [Dwight] Argggg! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends - I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments. And that's when it is nice to let them know that you can beat them up. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Just hit me. You'll see. [Jim] I can't. I just got a manicure. [Michael] Oh, queer... eye. Queer eye. That's a good show. Important show. Go ahead. Do it. [Jim] Just have Dwight punch you. [Michael] Oh yeah, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of fourteen year old girls who can kick his ass. [Jim] You know a ton of fourteen year old girls? [Dwight] What belt are they? [Michael] Look, Dwight is a wuss. When we rented 'Armageddon'... [Dwight] No! [Michael] ... he cried at the end of it. He did. [Dwight] Michael, I told you, it was because it was New Year's Eve and it began to snow at exactly midnight. [Michael] Oh, Bruce Willis. Are they going to leave him on the asteroid? [Dwight] Ok, I'll punch you. [Michael] Ok, here we go. Alright, come on. [Dwight] Kiyah! [Michael] Fuuuaaaahhhhh... oohhhhh! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Are you ok? Are you sure you are alright? [Michael] Yeah. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an Allied Prison Camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ok, he has to be stopped. Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael. [Pam] I don't know. [Jim] Ok, I'll buy you a bag of chips. [Pam] French Onion? [Jim] Obviously. [Pam] Ok. [Jim] Yes. [Dwight] Take this pen and stab me with it. [Michael] Go away. [Pam] I just have a quick question. [Michael] I haven't signed them, ok? [Pam] No, it's not that. Um, I was just wondering, since I'm probably going to have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late too so he can walk me to my car? [Michael] Come in. Um, Pam, I hate to break this to you but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged. He's just not tough enough. [Pam] He's a purple belt. That's really high. [Michael] Oh, I could beat up Dwight. That's ridiculous. I could murder him. [Pam] It's just out there, you... [Michael] Oh, so that's what they are saying? [Pam] Yeah. [Michael] Ok, alright, where is Dwight? [Jim] Uh, Kitchen. [Michael] Ok. [Kelly] Hi-yah! [Dwight] Good. [Kelly] Wow, that's actually pretty cool Dwight. [Dwight] Now watch, let me take you from behind. [Kelly] What? [Michael] Watch out Kelly, he might sucker punch you. [Dwight] I didn't sucker punch you, Michael. [Michael] No, Really? [Dwight] In case you remember, I was defending my honor... like a samurai. [Michael] Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch which I absorbed. I had no idea that there would be a second punch. So, catch-22. [Dwight] Ok, fine. Tit for tit. Give it your best shot. Two punches. Go! [Michael] Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches: me punching you and you hitting the floor. [Dwight] No, I would block your first punch rendering it ineffective. [Michael] Really? [Dwight] Yeah. [Michael] You know what? You're just lucky that we are at work right now. [Jim] Ooh, what about, uh, Dwight's dojo? [Michael] No, they must have class. [Dwight] No, it's free during the day. It's fine. [Michael] Look... [Dwight] I've got the key. [Toby] Michael... [Michael] Hey, Toby. [Toby] Any word on those time cards? [Michael] I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay? Fine. We'll go at lunch. Pam, make an announcement. Figure out carpools. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Um, well, we are all getting excited to see this fight. The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight. Fight... Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, I'm coming, fight... --------------------------------------- [Michael] I recognize that. That is Japanese for California Roll. [Ira] Uh, no, it's not. [Michael] I think it is. A guy told me about that. [Ira] Actually, it's a symbol for eternal discipline. [Michael] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow, that is really interesting. [Pam] What? [Jim] Your love line- I'm just kidding. I can't see anything. [Pam] Well, look closer. [Jim] Oh, ok. [Pam] Once point for me. [Jim] Tied up. [Pam] Oh, you're dead. [Jim] What, what are you going to do? Bring it, Beesley. Bring it. Oh yeah, good move. Not such an ultimate fighter now. [Pam] Hey, put me down. Put me down. Oh my god, hey, put me down. Hey... --------------------------------------- [Ira] Ok, gentlemen, listen up. After a clean strike to the chest, stomach, or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point. The first person to three wins. Alright? [Dwight] Yes, Sensei! [Michael] Alotta rules. Alotta rules. On the street we didn't have any rules. Maybe one - no kicks to the groin, home for dinner. [Ira] Shi mate! [Dwight] Hiii! [Michael] Hey! [Ira] Alright, break. [Michael] What the hell was that? [Dwight] Yes! [Ira] Dwight - awarded a point. [Michael] No. [Dwight] Eat it! [Michael] Alright, that's the way you want it. [Dwight] Two more. [Michael] Play dirty, huh? Ok, game on, man. [Kevin] Sweep the leg. [Michael] I'm comin' atcha man. Ok, purple belt, ok. I got him. [Dwight] No. [Michael] I got his pants. [Dwight] It was my pants. [Ira] No points for pants. [Michael] Dwight, you have... No, you have something... God, you look like such an idiot! [Ira] Clean single kick, gentlemen. [Michael] Go on, I dare you to kick there again. Kick there again, I dare ya. [Ira] Ok, break. Break. [Dwight] No holding. [Michael] You can't see. You can't see. Good boy. Good boy. Great boy. Two points, three points, four points. I win. I win. Eight points. Nine points. [Dwight] No, stop it! Come on! Michael. [Michael] Open your mouth. [Dwight] No, Michael! --------------------------------------- [Michael] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? "Raging Bull." Pacino. Oh, I want that footage. I want it. I need it. Ah, I have to get back to work. I have lots of work... Oh, oh check this out. Come here. There he is. Mr. Temp. Having lunch by the car. Let us play with him. This'll be hilarious. Oh, we're playing phone tag. --------------------------------------- [Ryan's Voicemail] Seven new messages. First New Message. "Hi, Ryan. This is Saddam Hussein." Next new message. "Hi, Ryan. This is your girlfriend... and I'm mad!" --------------------------------------- [Michael] My emergency contact is Todd Packer. Todd F. Packer. Do you know what the F. stands for? [Ryan] Fudge? [Michael] Yeah... uh, come in. Oh, hey Karate Kid. The Hillary Swank version. Hi. How are ya? [Dwight] I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott. [Ryan] Ok, to what? [Dwight] Just put "The Hospital." Contact number: just put 9-1-1. [Michael] He is such a sore loser. You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon. You know what, um, do yourself a favor and just keep me as his contact and I will call the hospital. Cut out the middle man. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Later Jim. [Jim] Later, Kev. Have a good weekend. [Pam] Yeah, you too. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah. [Ryan] I have the emergency contacts. [Michael] Yeah, just throw them on the chair. I'll take it from here. So, whatcha up to this weekend? [Ryan] Uh, hanging out with some friends, probably. [Michael] If you're doing anything crazy, give me a shout. [Ryan] Yeah, alright, I'll um, see you Monday. [Michael] Alright, bye. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight? [Angela] Michael, did you finish yet? [Michael] This close. Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? [Dwight] I'm busy. [Michael] Well, busier. Making the time. [Stanley] Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday. [Toby] We want to go home. [Michael] Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby. [Pam] The shipping place closes in a half hour. [Michael] I know, but I've been carrying the load on my back all day, and if everybody would just chip in a little bit, it'd might help me out. What do you say? Let's g*ngb*ng this thing and go home. Good? Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Angela] This is illegal. [Stanley] I don't care. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I have been testing you the entire day. Did you know that? [Dwight] Of course. [Michael] And I am happy to say that you have passed. So effective immediately I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager to Assistant Regional Manager. [Dwight] Michael, I don't know... [Michael] I know, I know, I know, I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it. [Dwight] I can handle it. I can. Wow. So I guess this will just be my office. [Michael] No, no, title change only. [Dwight] I'll have Pam send out a memo. [Michael] No, no. Three month probationary period. Let's not tell anybody about this right now. [Dwight] Just a formality. [Michael] Absolutely but not really. [Dwight] Michael, I have so much to learn from you. [Michael] Yes you do. [Dwight] Thank you, Sensei. [Michael] And, ditto. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e06", "title": "The Fight"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Client [Ryan] Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I've got Michael's lucky tie. [Jim] No. They're in the conference room. [Ryan] Good. [Pam] Wait, are those Michael's Levis? [Ryan] Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I'm not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that's why he started casual Fridays. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I'll take those. Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Jan] This is a projection of the county's needs... [Michael] Wow, graphs and charts, somebody's really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. [Jan] Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals... --------------------------------------- [Jim] So this possible client they're talking about, actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. Years. --------------------------------------- [Jan] So when we get to the Radisson, I'd like to, um- [Michael] I changed it. To Chili's. [Jan] Excuse me? [Michael] Radisson just gives out this vibe, "Oh, I'm doing business at the Radisson". It's kind of snooty. So. [Jan] You had no right to do that, Michael. [Michael] Here's the thing. Chili's is the new golf course. It's where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. [Jan] It said that. [Michael] It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. [Jan] Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. [Michael] Uh huh, uh huh. Power trip. [Jan] What? --------------------------------------- [Oscar] She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. [Jim] No... [Oscar] Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. [Toby] That is unbelievable. [Pam] What is going on? [Jim] We are doing worst first dates. [Pam] Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. [Oscar] Ok, that's a joke. [Pam] No, they had to come back for me. [Jim] Wait, when was this? [Pam] Umm... it was not that long ago. [Kelly] Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ok, let's do this thing. Wish us luck. [Dwight] Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. [Jan] Thank you. [Michael] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. [Jan] Michael, shouldn't take more than an hour. [Michael] Well... [Jan] Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? [Michael] No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don't get very much work done when I'm not here. That's not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I'm not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we're gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn't matter, it's an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. Adios! --------------------------------------- [Jan] So which way is Chili's? [Michael] Uh, I'll drive. [Jan] Oh, no, that's alright. I wanna leave straight from there. [Michael] It's just a couple blocks away, so... boy, you really don't know Scranton, do you? [Jan] I know Scranton. [Michael] At all! [Jan] Alright. [Michael] You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- [Jan] If it's a couple blocks away- [Michael] Dar de dar. [Jan] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn't moving, you might think she was dead. --------------------------------------- [Michael] We should come up with a signal of some sort. [Jan] Why would we need a signal? [Michael] Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- [Jan] What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? [Michael] Well, I... it could be either of us. [Jan] You're gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. [Michael] Yeees. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello? Christian? [Christian] Yes. [Michael] Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. [Jan] Just Jan Levinson. [Michael] No Gould? [Jan] No. Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? [Christian] No, not long. [Michael] Uh, Jan, what happened? [Jan] Michael. [Michael] Is Gould dead? What uh- [Jan] Michael, we got divorced, ok? I'm so sorry. Excuse me. [Michael] Wow, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? [Jan] Michael. Uh, could we have a table for three, please? [Michael] When did this happen? [Jan] We're in a meeting. [Michael] Ok. [Hostess] This way, please. [Jan] Christian. [Michael] Alright, after you. [Christian] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Jan] I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. [Christian] Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- [Michael] Awesome blossom. [Jan] What? [Michael] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? [Christian] Sure. [Michael] Ok, it's done. Actually, Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it's done. [Jan] So- [Michael] I heard a- [Jan] If you have a- [Michael] Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? [Jan] Christian, you don't have to listen to this. [Christian] It's ok, I like jokes. [Michael] Ok. [Jan] Just the one. [Michael] Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it's just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm... let's see... choo choo choo. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. [Michael] Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Ok, you want me to read 'em? [Michael] Yes. [Pam] Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- [Michael] No. [Pam] When- [Michael] Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. [Pam] Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship- [Michael] Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? [Pam] Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Is this real? [Pam] It is a screenplay. Starring himself. [Jim] Agent Michael Scarn. [Pam] Of the FBI. [Jim] How long is this? Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. [Pam] What is that? [Jim] Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. --------------------------------------- [Michael] First guy says "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn". And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort". And the third guy says "I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe". [Christian] Ohhh no! Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! [Jan] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Do we all have our copy of "Threat Level: Midnight", by Michael Scott? [Everyone] Yeah, yeah. [Jim] Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. [Phyllis] That's the character's name? [Jim] Oh yeah- [Dwight] Ok, you guys should not be doing this. [Jim] Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. [Dwight] You took something that doesn't belong to you. [Jim] Dwight- [Dwight] Brought it in here- [Jim] Do you want to play- [Dwight] Made copies of it- [Jim] The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yum! Yum yum yum! That's delicious! I love it! [Jan] We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match. [Christian] Well, we are out to save money. [Jan] What's the bottom line? [Michael] Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. --------------------------------------- [Michael] That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Did somebody say "baby back ribs"? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? [Jan] I don't think Christian has time for that. [Christian] I have time. [Michael] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Michael and Christian] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- [Michael] Chili's baby back ribs... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. [Phyllis] Sir, you have some messages. [Dwight] Not now! [Phyllis] They're important. [Dwight] Ok, what are they? [Phyllis] First message is: "I love you". That's from me. [Dwight] Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. [Ryan] Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. [Dwight] Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam] Hey, uh, I have to work late. [Roy] You're joking right? [Jim] Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- [Dwight] Pow! Pow! Pow! [Ryan] Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. Heh. --------------------------------------- [Jim] A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? [Oscar] Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? [Dwight] Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. [Ryan] I forget it, brutha. [Dwight] Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. Wait, who's Dwigt? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] D-W-I-G-H-T. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end. [Jim] Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- [Dwight] Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. [Jim] That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. Hey, are you hungry? [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] Yeah? --------------------------------------- [Christian] So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. [Michael] Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. [Jan] Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. [Michael] Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing. [Christian] It's not fair. [Michael] She's not playing the game. [Jan] We'd been fighting for a while- [Michael] Check please. [Jan] He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. [Christian] You didn't. [Jan] I was stupid. [Michael and Christian] No. [Michael] No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? [Christian] That's right. [Michael] You know? [Christian] You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. [Michael] It's true. [Christian] You said "World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!" --------------------------------------- [Jim] I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Wow. [Pam] For the bugs. [Jim] Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. [Pam] Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner. --------------------------------------- [Christian] Right down the street? [Michael] Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices. [Christian] I know. [Michael] It's bad. [Christian] It's terrible. [Michael] It, you know what, it really is. [Jan] Uh- [Christian] I don't know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they're expecting me to make cuts. [Michael] Well, corporate's gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, I guess I'll see you in ten hours. [Pam] What are you going to do with your time off? [Jim] Travel. I've been looking forward to it. It's gonna be... really nice. Gonna find myself. [Pam] You have new music? [Jim] Yeah. Definitely. --------------------------------------- [Michael] See ya. [Jan] Bye... thanks. Yes! [Michael] We did it! [Jan] We got it! [Michael] Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. [Jan] I am really- Thrilled. Let's go. [Michael] What!? [Jan] Let's go. [Michael] Goin'. Ok. Where we goin'? Doesn't matter. Goin' to the go go. Oh-ok. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael? Michael? Michael? His car's not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. Who's this? Jan? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Morning, Pam. Hey. --------------------------------------- [Michael] No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I'm, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. No, seriously, guys, I'm not, I don't want to go into it at all. It's off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello, Dwight. [Dwight] Did you do her? [Michael] Who. [Dwight] Jan Levinson-Gould. [Michael] Uh, no, no, no Gould. [Dwight] Did you do her? [Michael] This is none of your affair because she is your boss- [Dwight] And she is your boss. [Michael] And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don't think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. Jan, I defend your honor. Is that all? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Jan didn't come back for her car last night. [Pam] What!? [Jim] Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? [Pam] Oh, I don't know... Oh my God. This is Jan's cell. [Jim] No way. [Pam] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don't know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It's, uh, Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How's traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. Would you excuse me? No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we're gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don't understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you're still a little bit drunk Excuse me? Excuse me?! I think you're, yes, why don't you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn't slip you something! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Some might even say that we had our first date last night. [Pam] Oh, really? [Jim] Really. [Pam] Why might some say that? [Jim] Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. [Pam] Uh hmm. [Jim] Dinner and a show, if you include Michael's movie. And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. [Pam] We didn't dance. [Jim] You're right, we didn't dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. [Pam] Swaying isn't dancing. [Jim] Least I didn't leave you at a high school hockey game. [Pam] I have some faxes to get out. [Jim] Oh, come on, Pam. I- --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ok, we didn't dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiance. Right?

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e07", "title": "The Client"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Performance Review [Dwight] You should get one of these. [Jim] No. Thank you. [Dwight] Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts. [Jim] Done. [Dwight] This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. Sorry. [Jim] S'ok. [Dwight] Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable s*x. [Jim] You're not having s*x. [Dwight] Plus, improves your reflexes see, I would have caught that. [Jim] Ok, you know what, uh, how much is that? [Dwight] It's only twenty-five bucks. [Jim] Wow. Um, ok. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, could I see you in my office? --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, you're trustworthy- [Pam] Thank you. [Michael] And a woman- [Pam] Oh, no. [Michael] And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss. "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you. I'll, uh, be there this afternoon for performance reviews. I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion. See you soon." First impressions? [Pam] Uh, just off the top... I think she'll be here this afternoon. --------------------------------------- [Michael] My boss is coming in today, the lovely Jan Levinson-Gould will, well, no Gould. The Gould has been swack, divorced. Um, the awkward part is that this will be the first time that we'll be seeing each other since, well, uh, it was really nothing. We just sort of got caught up in the moment. The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, with rugged good-looks, office manager. Just, uh, she didn't want it to continue for some reason. It, we both, I didn't want it, we both didn't want it to continue. Was not professional. Um, when people say something's mutual, it never is. But this was mutual. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "I guess I missed you." I guess I missed you. So, she misses me? [Pam] She missed you. [Michael] But then she goes on to say "that will be our only topic of discussion". That doesn't mean anything, those are just words. [Pam] I have one idea of what it means. [Michael] Ok. Yeah, what, what? [Pam] Well I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this. [Michael] Ohhh, great. Well, now I'm in a terrible mood. Let's do your performance review- [Pam] Because she's conflicted. She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings... for you. [Michael] Ah, why, that's great news? That, that, then why would, why would I not like that? [Pam] Um, just cause, that, you work together, and it might be awkward. [Michael] Oh, wow, wow. Alright, let's listen to that again. "Michael, it's Jan. I guess I missed you". --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh, hey, listen, Jim. Here's a little tip for your performance review. [Jim] Ok. [Dwight] Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders. [Jim] We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders. [Dwight] Oh, yes, we do. [Jim] No, we don't. [Dwight] Yeah, it's a new product. So, you should just suggest that to him and he'll be sure to give you a raise. [Jim] Alright... well, I'm not asking for a raise. I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease. [Dwight] Uh, that is so stupid. What if he gives it to you? [Jim] I win. [Dwight] Ugh, you know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today. I need to stay focused, and I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go on Monday. Uh, stupid. [Jim] Wait, wait; one thing. Uh, by tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right? [Dwight] Uh, duh. [Jim] Duh. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words. [Michael] Really? [Stanley] Oh, yes. Let's listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses. [Michael] God, Stanley, that's frickin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? Sorry. [Stanley] Oh, no, that's ok. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto, in fact. [Michael] No kidding. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] It's all about my bonus. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael and Jan definitely made out. [Jim] Ohh... [Pam] Maybe more. [Jim] Eck!... Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So, keep that goin'. [Pam] Oh, yea! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Good work, Stanley. Great performance review. Stanley in the house, everybody. Woo! Angela, your turn. --------------------------------------- [Angela] I actually look forward to performance reviews. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. And I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael? [Michael] Yeah? [Pam] Jan's on the phone for you. [Michael] Oh; Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Interesting. Jan is calling me. Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all. Yeah? [Jan] Michael. [Michael] Jan! To what do I owe this pleasure? [Jan] I am returning your many calls. [Michael] Well, hello to you, too. Um, yeah, I was just um, I just wanted to get some closure on uh, what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's. [Jan] No. No, we won't be discussing that, Michael. The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch. [Michael] Well, surely this uh, review is a formality because of what happened uh, at our meeting in the parking lot of Chili's. [Jan] Uh, your review is anything but a formality, Michael. [Michael] Oh. [Jan] I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior. [Michael] Been thinking about you. [Jan] Ok, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior. [Michael] Um, I don't see how that's unprofessional. Just- [Jan] Michael. [Michael] Yep. [Jan] Are the cameras with you... [Michael] No. [Jan] ...in your office? [Michael] They are not. Yes, they are. That's my girlfriend. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I heard they made out and had s*x. [Oscar] No, they just made out. That's it. [Angela] Don't talk about it. Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved. [Kevin] Romances? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis. I know I do. I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas. Um, is there any chance you wrote any of my ideas down? In a folder? A "Michael-idea" folder? [Pam] Sorry. [Michael] That's unfortunate. How 'bout the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there. [Pam] What suggestion box? [Michael] The suggestion box that I put out, and people could be put in suggestions anonymously? Maybe there's prizes? [Pam] Oh, yeah. Uh, I think I remember that from back from when I first started. [Michael] Why don't you find it and tell people to get theirs... never mind, I'll tell them. Hello, everybody? Yeah, uh, attention, please. Jan Levinson's coming, very soon, and so, we're going to have our weekly suggestion box meeting, so you can all get your constructive compliments in a.s.a.p. [Ryan] Don't you mean constructive criticism? [Michael] What did I say? [Kelly] You said "constructive complements"; that doesn't make any sense. [Michael] Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions. 'K? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Dan, this is Jim, and it is about 11:15, and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the fifteenth, and that is a... [Dwight] Saturday. [Jim] ...Saturday, so just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch. Ok, talk to you soon. --------------------------------------- [Jan] We'll address this in the meeting then. Ok. Ok, bye-bye. Could you please tell Michael that I'm here? [Pam] Sure. [Michael] Hi, Jan. How are you? [Jan] I'm good [Michael] Good to see you. [Jan] Nice to see you. [Michael] Ok. Ok, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here. [Jan] Can we please go in your office? [Michael] Yep, right after you. Apres-vous. No calls. [Kevin] Oooo. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Alright . [Jan] Thank you. [Michael] It's nice to see you. [Jan] Nice to see you too, Michael. [Michael] Really? [Jan] Not like that. [Michael] Oh, well. [Jan] You know Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top. I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder-Mifflin business. [Michael] Alright. [Jan] Period. [Michael] Yep. [Jan] Do we understand each other. [Michael] Absolutely. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm a little confused. 'Cause first it's all like kissy-kissy. And then it's like all regret. Because "Oh, I regret that." But, "Wait, I'm still gonna call you." But, but, "We're just gonna talk business. And I may come down and fire you if you don't do your job." But what were talking about when we first kissed? Business. --------------------------------------- [Jan] So are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then? [Michael] No, no, no, I finished all of that. I'm very fast. I'm not too fast. Not like wham-bam-thank ya ma'am. But I do say thank ya ma'am. But, I'm, I'm not like wham-bam. Not that there's anything wrong with wham-bam. If it's consensual. We're talking about office stuff. Can I ask you a question? [Jan] No. [Michael] This is a business question. It's nothing personal, I promise. [Jan] Fine. [Michael] Are you wearing a new perfume today? [Jan] How is that a business question? [Michael] Well, you're wearing it at the office. And it, I'm sorry, but no offense, but it's really sexy. [Jan] Please don't smell me, Michael. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Jim. [Jim] Hey, how's it goin'? [Pam] Oh my God, did you see "The Apprentice" last night? [Jim] Course, it's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it? [Pam] Can you believe who Trump fired? [Jim] No, that was unbelievable. [Dwight] Who? Who was it? Who did he fire? [Pam] You didn't see it? [Dwight] No, I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! I never go out on a Thursday night; what the hell was I thinking? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I don't understand- Hold on. Sorry. Yes, Pam. [Pam] Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting. [Michael] I'm kind of in the middle of something. I wish you wouldn't interrupt. [Pam] You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here. [Michael] I did not, not, not use those words. [Jan] Uh, I'd like to sit in on that meeting is it happening right now? [Michael] No, it's in like ten minutes. [Pam] Everyone's waiting in the conference room. [Jan] Great. Very good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why are we here? Because I value your opinions. Now, I know a lot of don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do. I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing. Um, so, let's, uh, just read some of these suckers. Alright. Number one: "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" [Dwight] What should we do to prepare for Y2K? [Kelly] I thought you read these every week. [Michael] Well, obviously this one got stuck in the box. That happens occasionally. [Dwight] It happens occasionally. [Michael] And, um, one down. Next suggestion: "we need better outreach for employees fighting depression". Ok, alright, enough with the jokes. Nobody in here is suffering from depression. [Jan] That sounds serious, Michael. [Michael] Oh, ok, well, yeah, who wrote it? [Dwight] Tom? [Michael] Tom. Then it is a joke because there is nobody in here named Tom. [Phyllis] Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago. Tom? Pow. [Michael] Oh, that guy? That guy was weird. Alright, next suggestion. [Dwight] Next suggestion. [Michael] Arrr, dooby dooby do. "You need to do something about your B.O." [Dwight] You need to do something about your B.O. [Michael] Ok, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion and it's not an office suggestion. Far be it for me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody. [Toby] Aren't the suggestions meant for you? [Michael] Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words. [Creed] Uh, Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring. [Michael] Was I, Creed?! Ok, well, you know what? I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs, because talk about stank. Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will. I just think it's something that we should all be aware of. Ok? Now that we've learned this, let's continue. See, this is good, we're learning and we're figuring some stuff out. "You need to do something about your coffee breath"- [Dwight] You need- [Michael] Ok. [Dwight] To do something about- [Michael] Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight, OK. I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box. [Angela] Sometimes you talk to us real close. [Michael] Yeah, is that hard for you? Alright, well- [Angela] Well, when you have coffee breath- [Michael] I'll work on that- [Angela] It's hard. [Michael] Let's keep going. Keep it going. Yep. What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum. Somebody put a piece of gum in there. This is not a, a garbage can, this is the future of our company. This is not a place for gum. I don't wanna have to read these tomorrow. [Dwight] Yeah, who wants to come in on a Saturday? [Michael] Yeah, what? Uh, alright, next suggestion. [Dwight] Next suggestion. [Michael] "Don't sl-", ok, that's blank Don't, just put it- [Dwight] "Don't sleep with your boss"? Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? --------------------------------------- [Jan] I can't, I can't- [Michael] I don't understand why you're so upset. [Jan] Please sit down. [Michael] Let me ask you- [Jan] You're gonna sit here and I'm gonna go sit over there. [Michael] Ok, let me ask you this. [Jan] Please, sit yourself down. [Michael] Let me ask you something. [Jan] What, Michael. [Michael] Where did you get your outfit? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] You are giving me this raise! I deserve this raise! Yes! Yes! Yes! Hiya! The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation! Keeya eyah! Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because... I'm awesome! I am awesome! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened. [Jan] Because nothing did, Michael. It, I'm not going to say anything more about it, and I would advise that you do the same [Michael] Look- [Dwight] Michael? [Michael] Oh my God... [Dwight] I'm sorry, am I interrupting? Oh God; were you guys making out? [Jan] No, Dwight; come in. [Dwight] Great. [Michael] What do you want Dwight? [Dwight] I am ready for my performance review. [Michael] Ok, great. Your performance has been adequate. You may leave; goodbye. [Jan] Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael? [Michael] You wanna talk now, good; OK, Dwight, leave. [Dwight] Uh, wait, I would like to discuss my raise? [Michael] Why on earth would we give you a raise? [Dwight] That is an excellent question. Thank you for asking. Let me bring up one word: dedication. I have never been late. Also, I have never missed a day due to illness. Even when I had walking pneumonia. I even come in on holidays. [Michael] You do? How do you get in? [Dwight] I have a copy of your key. [Jan] That's a serious offense! [Michael] That is a serious offense. Very serious. As is toying with a man's heart. [Jan] Oh! Michael, for God sakes! [Dwight] I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace. [Michael] Ok, third wheel, why don't you do that? [Dwight] For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office. [Michael] That was deer!? Gross, oh! [Dwight] You liked it! [Michael] Oh, did not! [Dwight] Jan, have you ever had deer? [Jan] No. [Dwight] It's a delicacy. And you know what? It's an aphrodisiac. So when we're done here, you guys could go over to The Antler Lodge, sample some deer and talk about my raise. [Michael] What do you say, Jan? [Jan] Ok! Here's what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about ten minutes. [Michael] Ok. You just, uh, clear your head. [Jan] Thank you, Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you, I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you. Do you have a light? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] And in conclusion, I think that Lex Luthor said it best when he said "Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of". [Michael] That's from Superman? [Dwight] Smallville. And that is why, I feel, that I deserve this raise. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Do you think Michael and Jan actually... [Jim] I don't really wanna picture it. But thank you, Pam. [Pam] How do you come back from that? [Jim] Um, you don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know. Especially working together. [Pam] No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that? [Jim] Oh- [Pam] As a human being. [Jim] Yeah, no, I don't think you can. --------------------------------------- [Jan] I'm heading back to New York [Michael] Wait. [Jan] 'K? [Michael] Wait, wait, wait, come, I just, I just wanna know why? [Jan] Michael, now is not the time or the place. [Michael] Ok, so you're saying that there is a different time or place? [Jan] No, I am saying we are never having this conversation. [Michael] Well, ok, well never as in 'never ever ever', or never as in there's still a chance? [Jan] Never, for me, always means 'never ever ever.' [Michael] I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio? [Jan] Michael, it has nothing- [Michael] Am I too short? [Jan] With your looks, ok? It's your personality. I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and, and, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way, and, and I don't agree about the b.o., but you are very, very inconsiderate. [Michael] Really? [Jan] Really. You're, you're, you're a great guy, ok? [Michael] I appreciate that, thank you. [Jan] And you were very sweet, and you stayed up with me and talked with me, cried with me, and I appreciate that- [Michael] No, I wasn't, I didn't cry- [Jan] At this time in my life. I just am not in the place right now where I'm looking for a relationship, so we can still work together, we can still be friends but... ok? [Michael] So my looks have nothing to do with it? [Jan] Ohhh, God. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, it's 12:20; where the hell's Dwight? [Jim] Ummm... no idea. [Michael] Never missed a day, my ass. [Pam] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'm here! I'm here! I'm here! It's ok!

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e08", "title": "Performance Review"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - E-Mail Surveillance [Michael] It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Oh my God. Ohhh. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here. Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here. [Jim] Are we in danger? [Michael] There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody. [Kevin] Michael, should I call the... What? --------------------------------------- [Michael] The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah, I tried to install it myself, but, uh, you guys have these things so password-protected... [Sadiq (IT guy)] That just means you have to enter your password. [Michael] Oh... [Sadiq (IT guy)] What's your password, Michael? [Michael] Oh, umm... [Sadiq (IT guy)] Oh, it's 1-2-3. [Michael] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Mi- [Michael] AH! Guh-oood. [Dwight] Sorry. [Michael] Please don't do that. [Dwight] Ok, I'm sorry. What is going on in there? Why is he here? What are you doing? [Michael] I can't tell you. [Dwight] You have to tell me. [Michael] I don't have to tell you anything. [Dwight] Look, Michael, I know you don't want to have to think about this, but if something were to happen to you, God forbid, then I would need to know in order to take over. [Michael] Dwight, nothing is going to happen to me, ok? I'm in the best shape of my life. Look at this. Brrr! That's strong! [Dwight] Yeah, but that doesn't matter, you could get a brain aneurysm- [Michael] I'm not going get a brain- [Dwight] Or get hit by a car- [Michael] Stop it. [Dwight] Or a bus or a train. Get poisoned, fall in a well, step on a mine, choke. [Michael] Uh, oh, ok; if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania, and die, you can have my job, ok? Why don't you just go... away? --------------------------------------- [Michael] There are certain things a boss does not share with his employees. His salary, that would depress them. His bed, it--- And I am not going to tell them that I'll be reading their e-mails. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So how do you search? [Sadiq (IT guy)] By keyword phrase. [Michael] Try "profits". No! Try "Michael Scott". "Michael" "boss" and "funny". Oh my God, wow! E-mail from Stanley. Stanley, Terribly nice guy. "Sorry I didn't write back sooner; I can't go to the game tonight because my boss Michael is an ass and making me stay late." Well, Stanley's an ass. Not one of our harder workers. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Hey, what's the deal, Michael? Why are you spying on our computers? [Michael] Oh, no, everybody; Oscar's gone crazy! What other ghost stories do you have for us? That I'm a robot? I will destroy everything in my path- [Oscar] Actually, it's just- [Michael] Beep! Bop! [Oscar] Ok... [Michael] Bommmm. Bop! Onk onk. Oil can. Oil can. [Oscar] Tin Man. Actually we just a got a memo from IT saying you're doing e-mail surveillance. [Michael] Oh, what? No. That defeats the whole purpose. [Dwight] So it's true? You have access to our e-mails? [Michael] You know what the problem is? [Stanley] I think I do. [Michael] The problem is that when people hear the term "big brother", they immediately think it's scary or bad, but I don't. I think, wow, I love my big brother. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I gotta erase a lotta stuff. A lot of stuff. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh hey, just so ya know, if you have a lot of sensitive e-mails, they need to be deleted immediately. [Angela] I know. [Dwight] Good. [Pam] Hey. Something just happened. Dwight just told Angela that she has to deleted all of her sensitive e-mails immediately. [Jim] What? [Pam] I know! [Jim] Hmm... [Pam] Do you think that they're like- [Jim] No. [Pam] No, right, no, no. [Pam] Uhhh, ew, ew, ew... .Maybe? --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross but I have to look and make sure that it's really dead. Sooo... If you guys see anything... ? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Dwight, um, my friend is kinda into these two girls that he works with. [Dwight] Nice. [Pam] One is tall and brunette, and the other one is short, and blonde, and perky, and kinda judgmental. Who do you think he should choose? [Dwight] Does he have access to their medical records? [Pam] Ummmm... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections. There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we are down river from that old bread factory. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Meredith has an E-vite from Jim. Barbeque at Jim's tonight. Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is. Click on guest list. Angela, Stanley, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Kevin, Creed. Must be... . No. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Angela- [Angela] Hi. [Pam] How's it going? [Angela] It's ok. [Pam] Listen, are you bringing anyone to Jim's party tonight? [Angela] No. Are we supposed to? [Pam] No. I mean, I don't know, I don't think so. [Angela] Hmm... Excuse me. [Pam] Oh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There's always a distance between a boss and the employees. It is just nature's rule. It's intimidation mostly, it's the awareness that they are not me. I do think that I am very approachable, as one of the guys. But maybe I need to be even approachabler. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] That's pretty young. [Pam] Yeah. [Kevin] Are you gonna eat with us? [Michael] Of course. Hangin' with my crew, crew that I am one of. Hangin' with my Cup of Noodles. This is a meal in a cup. [Jim] Uh hum. [Michael] Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college. Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmmm... You know what I really, really miss about college? The parties. Everybody'd go. The athletes, the, the nerds, professors. [Pam] The professors would go to the parties? [Michael] Yeah! They were the most fun. We always invited them. --------------------------------------- [Jim] It's true. I'm having a party. I've got three cases of imported beer, a karaoke machine, and I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party. And it's nothing personal, I just think that if he were there, people wouldn't be able to relax, and you know, have fun, and my roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks that I'm making Dwight up. He is very real. --------------------------------------- [Pam] What? Ohhhh... Yes! Thank you! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Question: on the Internet there are several different options to get to your house for the party tonight- [Jim] Oh, uh, no. Could- [Dwight] I was wondering- [Jim] Could, keep that down. [Dwight] Why? [Jim] Because not everybody knows about the party. [Dwight] Like who? Who doesn't know? [Jim] Umm, Michael. [Dwight] Why just Michael? [Jim] Because it's a surprise. [Dwight] Is it? [Jim] Uh hmm. [Dwight] Oh, that's perfect! [Jim] So, don't tell. [Dwight] I won't. [Jim] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, Dwight thinks that tonight is a surprise party for Michael. [Pam] Really? That's great. [Jim] I know. [Pam] Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere. [Jim] Oh man. Oh, you know what, speaking of which, I was just trying to get a handle on, you know, numbers for food and stuff. So do you think that Roy's gonna come, or... [Pam] Oh, no, he can't make it. [Jim] Oh, ok, cool. [Michael] Hey there. [Jim] Hey. [Michael] Almost quittin' time. [Jim] Yup, it's, uh, four o'clock. [Michael] One more hour. Take care of anything you forgot to do. Hey, you know, I don't know if you have any plans tonight, but if ya don't, we could hang out. [Jim] Oh, um... .I can't. [Michael] You have plans. [Jim] Uh hmm, definitely. [Michael] I do, too. I do, too. [Jim] You do? [Michael] I do, yeah. Big plans. [Jim] Because you said "do you wanna hang out"- [Michael] Tonight, I can't do it tonight, no. Improv class, I have improv class, hanging out with my improv buds- [Jim] Really? [Michael] Yeah. [Jim] Aw, that sounds like a lot of fun. [Michael] It's the best. It's the best. I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go. [Jim] Improv sounds great. [Michael] It is. Ok. [Jim] Alright. [Michael] What? [Jim] I think Stanley just coughed. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk to your vehicular transport? [Pam] No thanks. [Michael] Alright. Oscar, got big plans tonight with- [Oscar] I'm on a call. [Michael] Kevin, big man, big man, what are you doing tonight? Where are you off to? [Kevin] My brother is in town and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at the Scien- [Michael] Ok, alright. [Kevin] Oh. [Michael] Hey, Angela, rushy, rushy. Where you rushin' off to? [Angela] I'm just leaving for the day. [Michael] Yeah, well duh. Where ya headed? [Angela] Charity. Bake drive. [Michael] Liar! [Angela] No! [Michael] You are a liar. [Angela] No, I'm not. [Michael] Dwight, oh ho, Dwight, Dwight, my loyal compadre. You and I are hangin' tonight. The two of us. We are celebrating our freedom and our manhood. You know what? Why don't we watch that show that you've been wanting to watch, that stupid Battleship Galaxy. [Dwight] Battlestar Galatica. [Michael] That's, whatever stupid show you want- [Dwight] I can't- [Michael] To watch tonight [Dwight] Tonight. [Michael] We're watching it. [Dwight] Unfortunately, I've got plans. I have to go to practice. Soccer practice. [Michael] I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight. [Dwight] Clarinet. [Michael] You, too, Dwight? [Dwight] Have fun tonight! Whatever it is that you're doing, and I'll see you Monday. He has no idea! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Quick announcement everybody, if I could have everybody's attention. We do have wine in the kitchen, and, uh, there is beer available on the porch and despite what you might think, it's not all for Meredith and Kelly, so please enjoy. [Dwight] Jim! You really think this is a good idea, huh? A hide-a-key rock? [Mark] Hey, you must be Dwight! [Dwight] You don't work with us. [Jim] That's because Mark's my roommate. [Mark] Hey, I love the Birkenstocks. [Dwight] Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car, for special occasions. Jim, come here. [Jim] Uh hmm. [Dwight] When is the guest of honor coming? [Jim] Oh, uh, later-ish. [Dwight] He's gonna love it! [Jim] Great. Just wanna let you guys know that we will be taking the tour like I promised- [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey! Just in time! You wanna go on the group tour? We were just about to leave. [Pam] Definitely. [Jim] Well, the group tour is now leaving, then. Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things that we are gonna be pointing out to you today, you will be able to see both bedrooms and, uh, if we're lucky, maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom, who knows. I have to remind you that flash photography is prohibited and as much as you can, please refrain from touching things. I know you might want to. [Ryan] Hey, is Katy coming? [Jim] Uh, actually, I haven't talked to her in a while. [Ryan] Huh, is it ok if I call her? [Jim] We can talk about that later. --------------------------------------- [Improv Teacher] Ok, let's get right into it. I need two people for the first scene. [Michael] Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo, Mr. Cart-air, Mr. Cart-air. [Improv Teacher] Ok, Michael. And... anybody? How about Mary-Beth? Come on. Ok, so you start us off Mary-Beth. [Mary-Beth] Great. La la la la la laaa... [Michael] Boom! Detective Michael Scarn. I'm with the FBI. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Think about this; what is the most exciting thing that can happen, on TV, or in movies, or in real life? Somebody has a gun. That's why I always start with a gun, because you can't top it, you just can't. --------------------------------------- [Girl acting Pregnant] I'm supposed to meet my doctor here? Have ya seen him? He's a very angry midget. [Michael] Boom! Freeze! Michael Scoon, FBI. You know what you did. Boom! Boom! Boom! Yeah, you thought that you could get away with your little ruse, didn't you? Didn't ya!? Well, you didn't, because I know where ya hid the diamonds. I been on to you and your little friends for weeks. Boom! Boom! Boom! [Actor] I'm not even in the scene! [Actress] Again!? [Michael] Boom! Boom! [Improv Teacher] Stop, stop, ok, stop. [Michael] Boom! Boom! [Improv Teacher] You shot me, great. Now stop. [Michael] Why [Improv Teacher] You can't just shoot everyone in the scene. [Michael] Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene, you would have seen where it was going. [Improv Teacher] Ok, what about the scene they set up? [Michael] Boring. [Improv Teacher] No, it wasn't. No more guns. [Michael] I could of- [Improv Teacher] No. No. Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have. [Michael] Ok. [Improv Teacher] Just, I want you to get rid of all your guns and give them to me. Great. [Michael] Yehhhehh. [Improv Teacher] Yeeehh, ok. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Jim's bedroom. [Jim] See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour. It's- [Pam] Cool... This is your desk. [Jim] This is my desk. [Pam] Your home office? [Jim] My home office, this is it. [Pam] Down. You have to sit down so I can get the full effect. [Jim] Ok, sure. Will do. [Pam] Ok, wait, so that would make me like right here. [Jim] Yeah, that... Yep, that feels about right. [Pam] And Dwight would be like- [Jim] You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it, because this is a happy place. Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts. [Pam] Umm, yearbook! [Jim] Yeah, you don't have to, ummm. Alright, yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all. [Pam] Ooooohhh no! [Jim] Oh yeah. [Pam] You were so dorky! [Jim] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Improv Teacher] Freeze! [Michael] I'm in. [Improv Teacher] You wanna go over the rules one more time? [Michael] No, no, no. I'm looking in my wallet for money so you can tell me my fortune. [Bill] I promise it's worthit . Ooo, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading. [Michael] What are you... [Improv Teacher] Michael, what did you tell him? [Michael] Nothing. [Improv Teacher] Then why are his hands up? Bill? [Bill] He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun. [Improv Teacher] Ok, let's call it a day. Nice job, Bill. [Michael] Good, it's good. Good work, everybody. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Angela, burger? Dog? Havin' fun? [Angela] I got sap on me. [Jim] Chicken, hot dog, burger. [Angela] I'm a vegetarian. [Jim] There is soda inside. [Angela] Guh. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] I didn't think the premium laser color copy batch would sell as well as it did. [Oscar] Yeah, it surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because when they--- [Kelly] I'm sorry guys --------------------------------------- [Angela] I think it's alright. Jesus drank wine. [Pam] Hey Phyllis, come here for a second. [Phyllis] Sure. [Pam] Have you heard anything about any secret office romances? [Phyllis] You tell me. Well, you do mean you and Jim right? Oh God. I am so sorry, I thought, you guys hang out all the time and you're talking all the time. I'm sorry! [Pam] That's ok. It's ok. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Not so fast... Fire Guy. --------------------------------------- [Mary-Beth] How do I get to Bernie's Tavern from here? [Bill] Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool. [Michael] So Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's? Go to Bernie's? [Bill] Oh sorry, we're not going as a group, it's just a private friend who just happens to know all of us from different ways is throwing a private birthday thing. [Michael] Right, right, right. Well guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's with you, but, you know, I have an office party. A big office party I need to go to, so... Can't get out of it. [Bill] Ok. [Michael] Ok, see you later. Nice job, Bill. Not. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known... [Jim] Oh by the way how's your side project going? [Pam] Oh, yeah I gave that up. [Jim] Really? [Pam] Yeah, it turns out I was, um, just grasping at straws. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Just because two people are hanging out, it doesn't mean that they're together, you know? Like people can just be friends. And I think that it was really unfair to think that there was anything else going on. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore. [Dwight] Surprise! Everybody! [Phyllis] Dwight... [Michael] Wow! Who opened the morgue for this thing? I'm just driving by, thought I'd drop in. There's some wine. I would love a glass, if you're gonna open it. Here ya go Temp, take my jacket! Oh, come on! That guy? He is a good guy, not a terrorist. Karaoke, I love it! I am a karaoke fiend. I call dibs. I got next, I got next up. Come on, let's get this party started, ha! Ok? Where's that wine? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ok, yeah, this is a duet, so, need somebody else, Pam? You wanna come up and sing this one? Need somebody else. Takers, please. Baby when I met you there was peace unknown. Kelly? Tried to get you with a fine tooth comb. I was soft inside, there was something goin' on. This part goes to the, uh, girl. You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. In every beat of my heart, we got something goin' on. Tender love is blind--- [Michael and Jim] It requires a dedication, all this love we feel needs no conversation. Divided, together, uh huh. Making love with each other, uh huh. [Michael] We're making love! [Michael and Jim] Islands in the stream, that is what we are, no one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Talk! Just talk! [Mary-Beth] I am- [Michael] Shut up! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Funny story: the way that I got into improv was, I got into improv. The story about me getting into improv was that I was walking down the street, and a race car pulls up, and the guy says "Hey you're funny, you're the funniest guy I've ever seen, or my name is not Dale Earnhardt." And that was an improv. Um, the real way is that I found a flyer.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s02", "episode": "e09", "title": "E-Mail Surveillance"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Gay Witch Hunt [Jim] You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. [Pam] Me too. ...I think we're just drunk. [Jim] No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk? [Pam] No... Jim--- [Jim] Are you really gonna marry him? ...Ok. --------------------------------------- [Michael] No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody "faggie". Why would anybody find that offensive? [Toby] OK I think Oscar would just like if you used "lame" or something like that. [Michael] That's what faggie means! [Toby] No not really... --------------------------------------- [Toby] Apparently you called Oscar "faggie" for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie. [Michael] It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard! [Toby] All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay. [Michael] Exactly! [Toby] I mean for real. [Michael] Yeah, I know. [Toby] No, I mean he's attracted to other men. [Michael] OK, a little too far, crossed the line. [Toby] OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people "retards". It's bad taste. You call your friends "retards" when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea. [Oscar] No, it's fine. [Michael] No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude. [Oscar] That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that. --------------------------------------- [Angela] It explains so much. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... Uh... yeah I'm gay. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right? --------------------------------------- [Andy] Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right? [Jim] Uh-huh, yeah. I am. [Andy] She's pretty hot huh? She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters. [Jim] OooOK. [Andy] OooOK. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, "Here Comes Treble." --------------------------------------- [Josh] So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them. [Jim] Oh, I can do that. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Can you tell who's gay and who's not? [Dwight] Of course. [Michael] What about Oscar? [Dwight] Absolutely not. [Dwight] Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so... [Michael] There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else. [Dwight] You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive. [Michael] Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman. [Dwight] I really don't think so. [Michael] I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them. [Dwight] Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. [Michael] That's ridiculous. [Dwight] Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot. [Michael] Let's call him and get the website. [Dwight] Definitely. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Well, they're sold out. [Dwight] Damn. I'll try Brookstone. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I miss that. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Chicken or fish? [Pam] Chicken. [Roy] So you havin' a good day? [Pam] Excellent, thanks. [Roy] Good, glad. OK. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks. --------------------------------------- [Roy] After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented. --------------------------------------- [Andy] OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND! --------------------------------------- [Jan] You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation. [Michael] I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so... [Jan] That's not what it's called. [Toby] OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today? [Michael] What? What does that even... [Jan] Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it. [Michael] Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival. [Toby] All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault. [Michael] I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about? [Jan] NO! [Michael] I don't kn-- [Jan] No, it's not possible. [Michael] Anything's possible. [Jan] You know, imagine... you were gay. [Michael] Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody! [Jan] Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand? --------------------------------------- [Michael] The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Am I the first gay man you ever knew? [Michael] Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer. [Dwight] Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay p0rn, straight p0rn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ah damn pop-ups. [Oscar] What are you doing?! [Angela] Watching some of your friends. --------------------------------------- [Michael] All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men. --------------------------------------- [Michael] We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you. [Oscar] Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now? --------------------------------------- [Creed] /b]: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Who should be the judges and juries of our society? [Angela] Judges and juries! [Michael] Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey s*x as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right? [Kevin] /b]: That sounds great. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them. [Oscar] No one else in this office is gay. [Dwight] What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine! [Phyllis] I'm getting married to Bob Vance. [Michael] That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! See? Everybody has a chance! --------------------------------------- [Michael] But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do! [Phyllis] No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school. [Michael] Right! And I take that as a compliment. [Phyllis] Well with your ties and your matching socks and --- [Michael] Well, I just like to look good OK, so --- [Oscar] You sound pretty defensive Michael. [Michael] No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag. [Oscar] I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life. [Michael] You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend --- [Oscar] I would rather not. [Michael] ...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small! [Michael] All right, um... sorry. [Oscar] Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on. [Michael] I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here. [Michael] Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man! --------------------------------------- [Michael] We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows? --------------------------------------- [Oscar] I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] "Hope this helps. -Jim" Nice! --------------------------------------- [Oscar] What are you doing?! [Dwight] Shhh. Don't be scared. It works. ...oh no.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e01", "title": "Gay Witch Hunt"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - A Benihana Christmas (Parts 1&2) [Dwight] Merry Christmas! [Pam] Merry Christ-- NO! Why... why did you bring that here? [Dwight] Don't worry, she's dead. Oh wait. He's dead. [Pam] Dwight, what uh... [Dwight] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle! [Pam] Well, get it out of here. [Dwight] Relax, OK. And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing. Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen? [Jim] Merry Christmas Dwight. [Dwight] Jim. [Jim] Wow. What have we got here? [Dwight] What does it look like? [Jim] Dead goose. [Dwight] And circle gets the square. [Jim] All right. [Dwight] So can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk. [Toby] Oh, Dwight, we talked about this. [Dwight] No, Toby, this is different. He's already dead. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Once I brought in a duck. To prepare for lunch. And people got upset. Apparently, they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] He was already dead. And we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor. Plus you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease. [Jim] Wow. Win-Win. [Dwight] Exactly. Thank you, Jim. [Phyllis] I like goose. If it's already dead is it so crazy we eat it? [Creed] That's crazy. It's crazy. [Toby] Dwight, you cannot keep that here. [Dwight] Ok, that is ridiculous. And totally against the spirit of Christmas. [Toby] Come on Dwight. We went over this, like for a half an hour. [Dwight] It's Christmas Toby. [Toby] It's a dead animal in an office. You can't... [Dwight] Toby... [Toby] I'm sorry. [Dwight] Please? Please? [Toby] Clean it in your car. [Pam] I would like it off my desk. [Dwight] Oh Pam. Take a chill pill. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Deck the halls with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la la la. 'Tis the ... ack. Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candied Pams. And perhaps, some Pam-chops, with mint... [Pam] Can I help you, Michael? [Michael] I'm looking for the toy drive box. [Pam] It's behind you. [Michael] OK... Well, I need to put this bike in there. I hope it'll fit, with all these little knickknacks. [Jim] Wow. What kind of bike is that? [Michael] Umm... I don't know? Average kind? [Kevin] The tires look pretty worn. [Michael] Well, that is probably from the test drive. [Jim] But the paint's chipping. Is that your old bike, Michael? [Michael] No. [Andy] Yo, Michael, sweet ride Mike. [Michael] Oh, thanks. [Pam] Michael? [Michael] Yes? Oh Pam, that is so sweet. You didn't have to do that. [Pam] I didn't, it's from corporate. [Michael] OK. Did everybody get one of these? [Pam] Yup. [Michael] Terrific. Good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is going to be the best Christmas ever. My girlfriend Carol is coming to our party tonight, and I have a little surprise for her. I've got two tickets to paradise! Pack your bags, we're leaving the day-after-tomorrow! Um, taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive. All-inclusive. You know what that means? Right? Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Creed] And a happy holiday to you. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Carol. [Carol] Hi, is Michael around here? [Michael] There she is. A Christmas Carol. Hello You're about five hours early to the party. You're such a blonde. [Carol] Michael. [Michael] Hey, everybody. I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them. This is my girlfriend - Carol. This is just the front of her. Show 'em, show 'em the other side. [Carol] What? [Michael] Turn around, turn around. Come on. [Carol] Get outta here. [Michael] No, you get outta here. [Andy] Michael [Michael] Yes. [Andy] If I may say. She's even prettier that you described her. [Dwight] Oh, ouch. Michael, I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you described her. [Michael] Thank you. [Carol] I really need a moment alone with you. [Michael] Not as much as I need a moment alone with you. Berp. --------------------------------------- [Carol] What is this? [Michael] That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. Ski-sons Greetings. [Carol] No. See, we never went on a ski trip. [Michael] I know. [Carol] I went on a ski trip. [Michael] Right. [Carol] Two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband. [Michael] Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you in a sense. I was in your heart... [Carol] Michael. [Michael] And next to your kids. What? [Carol] This is so weird. [Michael] I don't understand? --------------------------------------- [Jim] It's a bold move, to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is bold the right word? --------------------------------------- [Carol] I think you're a really sweet guy. [Michael] OK [Carol] But, um, I don't know how to deal with, with this thing . And, and the proposal. And I don't think things are going to work out with us. [Michael] No, no no no Ok, OK, You know what, you're not thinking straight. You know what you need? You need to think this through in Jamaica's largest fresh water pool. [Carol] What are you talking about? [Michael] I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica, We leave day after tomorrow. . You better find the skimpiest bikini there is. [Carol] Oh, no. Michael. [Michael] And it's all inclusive. [Carol] Michael... [Michael] Yes. [Carol] I'm sorry. [Michael] No, Carol. You walk out that door and it is over. [Carol] I know. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Psst. Jim. Um, hey. I need to give you your Christmas gift now because, well, I'll just tell you. [Jim] What? [Pam] For the past few months I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA. [Jim] Are you serious? [Pam] They're considering him for a top secret mission. There's his application. Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never ever tell. [Jim] Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off because he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp. Wow. [Pam] So... here's the gift. You get to decide what his top secret mission is. Sorry I didn't wrap it. [Jim] You know what? Uh, I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, you know? [Pam] Oh. [Jim] No, because of the promotion. [Pam] Oh yeah. [Jim] It just feels a little bit, like... [Pam] No, I get it, of course. OK. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I feel like there's a chance for me to start over. And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do., then ... what am I doing? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled. [Stanley] You can't cancel a holiday. [Michael] Keep it up Stanley and you will lose New Year's. [Stanley] What does that mean? [Michael] Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley. [Pam] Michael, what's going on? [Michael] Carol and I split up. Amicably. And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances. [Jim] Will they still air 'Rudolph?' [Kevin] That's not fair. [Dwight] Are we gonna cancel Hanukah as well? [Michael] Fine! Have your party. Just no guests. [Phyllis] But we invited guests. [Michael] Well, you know what Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid rotten mess. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, oh, oh, oh, it hurts. [Pam] I know. [Michael] It hurts my heart. It hurts my stomach. It hurts my arms. [Pam] OK, well, why are you laying like that? [Michael] Thanks. How did you push away the bad thoughts? [Pam] Like what? [Michael] Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed, that were, foreign, and scary? [Pam] Well.. um I, I don't... [Michael] And not that you didn't want to try them. Some wine may have helped. Do you know what I'm referring to? [Pam] I don't need to know. [Dwight] Michael. Sorry to interrupt. Uh, It appears we're one bathrobe short. [Michael] Take it from Toby. [Dwight] Copy. [Michael] Hey, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me? [Pam] No, thank you. [Michael] It's all... OK. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Hey Dwight. Pretty nice robe- Why? --------------------------------------- [Angela] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch. [Phyllis] I thought you said green was whorish. [Angela] No, orange is whorish. [Karen] Uh, so I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home. Each year we have a Christmas raffle ... . [Angela] It would never work here. [Karen] Ok ... um, another idea was karaoke ... [Angela] No. [Karen] A Christmas drinking game ... [Meredith] Yes. [Angela] God help you. [Karen] What? [Angela] These are all terrible ideas and none of them are on the theme of "A Nutcracker Christmas." I think you should leave. [Karen] You're kidding. [Angela] You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please. Thank you. OK, thank you very much. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What are you doing? [Dwight] We are getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carol. [Andy] Hey, what's the haps? [Michael] Carol? [Dwight] Oh, look at this. Your old condo closing papers. It's riddled with Carol's name. I wish I could throw this in the box. [Dwight] Why don't you just buy the whole song? [Michael] I don't have to buy it. I just want to taste it. I just... I just want a little taste of it. [Dwight] Oh, look at this, she saved you two thousand dollars 'cause they failed to report a mold problem. But wouldn't that affect the final... How did she? Oh, oh, I see what she did. That is good. Wow. Carol is one smart cookie. [Michael] Goodbye my lover. Goodbye my friend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours. With Carol, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I feel like I've been kinda cold to Karen and there's no real reason for it. I mean it's not like she's ever done anything to me. So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Karen. Sorry about that meeting today, that was really crazy. [Karen] Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that. Because, I don't know how those meetings usually go. [Pam] Um, usually like that. [Karen] Does anyone ever stand up to Angela or..? [Pam] I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face. [Karen] Right. [Pam] Um, I really liked your karaoke idea. [Karen] Oh cool, yeah. [Pam] That could really be fun. [Karen] Oh, thank you. [Pam] You guys do a raffle? [Karen] Yeah, we do a raffle... --------------------------------------- [Toby] Hey Kev. [Kevin] Hey. --------------------------------------- [Angela] This should've been up yesterday. [Phyllis] It'll be all right. [Angela] What is that? The "Committee to Plan Parties invites you to a margarita-karaoke Christmas?" There's no such thing as the "Committee to Plan Parties." [Pam] There is now. We just started it. [Angela] Well, you just can't start a committee. You have to have funding. [Karen] What's your funding? [Angela] Two hundred dollars. [Pam] What's ours again? [Karen] Umm, two hundred and one dollars. [Pam] Oh right. [Kelly] Hey, a margarita-karaoke Christmas party, that sounds like fun. [Angela] No, that is not a party. There's only one party and it's hosted by the Party PLANNING Committee and it starts at three o'clock. [Kevin] Then why are there two flyers? [Karen] Oh, I understand that this is confusing for everyone, let me explain. There's a party that starts at three. [Kevin] Right. [Karen] And then there's a way more fun party that starts at two forty-five. [Pam] Right, and if you're interested in the way more fun party, all the info can be found here on our more brightly colored flyer. [Kevin] I didn't see where it was. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yup, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together. And that's what you want, right? --------------------------------------- [Karen] I think that's a really good option... [Dwight] Pam and Karen. I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning. Immediately. [Pam] You can't do that. [Dwight] As ranking number three in this office, I am order - [Andy] Umm... I'm number three. [Dwight] You're number four. [Andy] Yeah, but I'm number three. [Dwight] Ah, no. You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately that will be returned to you on January fourth. [Jim] OK, I think I can help here. [Dwight] Ok, good [Jim] As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees and I am the sole member. The committee will act on this now. [Dwight] OK, this is stupid. [Jim] Could you please keep it down? I'm in session. I've determined that this committee is valid. [Dwight] No no, no, wait, wait, wait Permission to join the Validity Committee. [Jim] Permission denied. [Dwight] Damn it! --------------------------------------- [Andy] Hey. I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man. Let me take you to lunch. C'mon, my treat. [Michael] All right. Nothing here to distract myself with anyway. [Andy] That's my boy. I know the perfect place, too. [Michael] Hooters? [Andy] No. Benihana. Much classier. But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too. [Michael] Ah, I need my entourage Jim. Dwight. Ryan. C'mon, we're going to Asian Hooters. [Ryan] Ah man, I can't. [Michael] Why not? [Ryan] I'm not feeling so well. I've got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy, I just ate there last night. [Michael] Ok, feel better. [Ryan] Thanks. [Michael] C'mon Jim, let's go. [Jim] OK. Wow, thanks for taking all the excuses, dude. [Ryan] Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts, granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here. Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho and you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then ... and then suddenly she's not yo' ho no mo'. --------------------------------------- [Andy] So she looks really hot, so I said, "You look hotter than usual today." Thank you. Michael Head of the table. [Dwight] Get out Jim. Actually, um... Sir, I'm going to need take this chair. [Michael] Dwight, just, just leave them alone please. They're on a date. They look very happy. [Jim] Yes. [Dwight] I can't... I can't here what you're saying. [Michael] Carol used to drink lattes. [Dwight] What're you talking about? [Michael] She would get this little foam mustache... [Dwight] Carol had a mustache? [Michael] And I used to say "Hey, got latte?" And she'd say, that's not funny. [Dwight] What are you guys talking about? [Michael] She totally got me. She understood that we didn't have to laugh to enjoy --- [Dwight] Michael! Repeat what you said louder! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] It is my job to be there for Michael. How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had. I can't, OK, I'm gonna call her. I am gonna call and find out... [Andy] No. [Dwight] Who are you calling? [Michael] I'm just gonna call her. [Andy] Put that away. Put that away. S.O.S. We... I... May day. Haha. Man down over here, we need your help. [Waitress] What can I get for 'ya? [Andy] I think we'll start with a round of noga-sakes. --------------------------------------- [Andy] One part eggnog, three parts sake. Some places won't make it for you though, because eggnog is seasonal. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] You should, you should put out salt for the rims [Pam] That's a great idea. [Angela] Phyllis? [Phyllis] I was just getting a snack. [Pam] You can have your snack in here. [Angela] Pam, don't tell her what to do! Phyllis. [Phyllis] OK. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to. --------------------------------------- [Roy] So I only use three? [Pam] If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong. [Roy] OK. And where to do you get all those cool bows? [Pam] Oh, I just get those at any party supply place. [Roy] OK. Are you sure I can't use like, the cartoons from the newspaper? [Pam] Oh yeah, your mom would love that. [Roy] Hey. All right, I'll see you guys later. [Pam] Bye. [Karen] He's cute. You should date him. [Pam] Oh, yeah... Maybe. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Looks like you've got a little Nakiri knife action going there. [Chef] No, it's Usuba. [Dwight] Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though. [Chef] Actually, the Usuba's the better knife when you're working with this quantity. [Dwight] Nah, I don't know... Still think Nakiri's better. [Woman at bar] I think he'd know. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Nothing he's doing is cheering me up. [Andy] Wait for the onion. Trust me. Hey Cindy, he just had his heart broken, you wouldn't do that to him, would you? [Cindy] I don't know. [Michael] Oh, sure you would. Look at you, I bet you break up with a guy every hour. [Andy] You made her laugh. Yes! She totally digs us. Watch, watch, watch, watch. Heh, heh? What did I tell 'ya? [Michael] You're right. That's good. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hello everyone. We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room. So... you can come by... . [Angela] I have a very important announcement to make... about... your paychecks. Umm... Your paychecks will be arriving as scheduled on Friday. And they will be in the correct amount that they are normally in... Please stand by for a very important announcement... refer.. for further regarding your paycheck! --------------------------------------- [Angela] I need to know if I can start the party? [Dwight] Michael! Hey! Over here, Michael! [Andy] This drink... [Michael] I don't know. No one can hear me. You know what? Start the party. [Angela] Did Michael give you permission to do this? [Dwight] Start the party. [Angela] Also, I would like to inform you that, um, as a special treat, my party will be starting early. In fact, it will be starting right now [Pam] Our party is also starting now [Karen] Yup. [Karen] All right Stanley. Woo. [Pam] Good choice. [Angela] Welcome Hannah. You will not be disappointed. [Hannah] Why would I be disappointed? [Angela] I said you wouldn't be disappointed. [Angela] Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry. [Meredith] Is that a threat? [Angela] No, it's an invitation. [Pam] We have vodka! [Karen] Lots of it! --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies. It will also have Angela. Double fudge... Angela... double fudge... Angela Hmmm... --------------------------------------- [Angela] Brownies. Cupcakes. [Kevin] Don't push it. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough. What? [Pam] I got goose bumps. --------------------------------------- [Angela] I don't back down. My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years. Over some disagreement, I don't even remember. So... yeah. I'm pretty good. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ahh, damn this chicken is good. My compliments to the chef. Which is you! Right? Hahahaha. Awesome! I need some meat. I want some steak. I see steak. [Man] Excuse me. [Michael] Excuse me Ah, un guard. Family style. [Jim] No, it's not. [Andy] Cindy, Cindy. [Michael] I don't think... I love it! [Andy] I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house. C'mon, do it for Michael. He's had a really long day. [Michael] I don't know what he's doing. [Andy] This is great. [Dwight] Jim! Jim! What... What's happening? [Jim] Oh, she's asleep. [Dwight] Oh... Narcolepsy. [Jim] Probably. [Andy] Now open your eyes and describe it to me. [Cindy] I... don't know, it has four bed rooms and a loft... [Dwight] Oh my gosh, now she's up. [Jim] And she's trying to correctly butcher a goose, but she's having trouble coming up with it. [Dwight] Oh, OK. Cindy! Yo, Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back and insert the knife below the jaw. Bring it all the way around, there's going to be a good amount of blood. Don't let it bother you. Have a bucket there, for the blood... and the innards... and the feathers. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Oh no, this is different. The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight. This is more like a umm... OK, it's pretty much the same thing. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] What d'ya think? [Stanley] Fruity and delicious. [Kelly] See, I told you. You want one Meredith? [Meredith] No thanks. They're too sweet. [Karen] Hey, so what's the status. [Ryan] Looks like they forgot the power cord. [Pam] What? [Karen] Oh, you're kidding me? [Ryan] No. [Karen] Oh, you guys, guys, um... I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine. [Kelly] Well that blows. [Darryl] Hang on little ladies. You don't need this thing, I'll go grab my synthesizer. [Everybody] Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! [Phyllis] Hi. [Darryl] Hey. Hey, look, when you get done with your... meeting, you should, uh, come to the break room. We're having a party. [Phyllis] Oh, ok. [Darryl] All right. Se you later... [Hannah] These nuts are really hard to crack. [Angela] Try harder then. Uh uh. No one has seconds until everyone's had some. [Kevin] You've got to be kidding! [Angela] You've got to be kidding. {Kevin takes bite of brownie] --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Cold, huh? [Ryan] Huh? [Phyllis] Maybe that'll help. Is it cold in there? --------------------------------------- [Andy] They have been checking us out, all night! I am not kidding! [Michael] You know what we should do? [Andy] What? [Michael] We should invite them to the Christmas party. [Andy] Now, you are thinking. Yes. And you know what? Because you have had such a rough day, you get Cindy. [Michael] Oh, you are such mench my friend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] OK, where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend. [Jim] I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too. --------------------------------------- [Michael] The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike. [Second Cindy] That rocks. [Michael] Nah, you rock. Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours. [Second Cindy] Thanks! I, I wanna give you something. [Michael] Oh. That's what she said. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello? I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend. [Andy] My new girlfriend. [Angela] Where's Dwight? [Second Cindy] Is he the hot one or the giant baby? [Michael] The giant baby. Wow, I am so sorry, I had no idea this party would be so lame. [Phyllis] There's another party in the break room. [Michael] Oh, party in the break room! Let's go, let's go! Thank God! Let's go to the break room. [Angela] Hey, excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey, where do you think you're going with that? [Second Cindy] I thought I could have it. [Angela] You can't have it I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack. [Michael] Shhh... Shut it! C'mon! Party. [Dwight] Hey! It's Angela! Hey! [Michael] We're going to ... --------------------------------------- [Kevin] I want you to know. That I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but... --------------------------------------- [Michael] I just think there are two, two specific kinds of people in the world. People who own houses and people who own condos. And... my question to you is do you agree? [Other waitress] Do I agree about what? [Michael] Do you agree about what? Wow. You're lucky you're so darn cute. [Other waitress] What're you talking about? [Michael] What're you talking about? --------------------------------------- [Kevin] And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you give to me. You, you, you, you, you, you, you oughta know ta know. [Jim] All right --------------------------------------- [Angela] Did you have fun at Benihana's? [Dwight] No. It was awful. I couldn't hear anything. [Angela] I've had the worse day here [Karen] Dwight, you won the raffle! [Dwight] No... way! Yeah! [Karen] Open it! Open it ! Open it! [Dwight] Oh. [Karen] Do you like it? [Dwight] Walkie-talkies. [Pam] Can I talk to you a second? [Dwight] Yes! --------------------------------------- [Karen] Well the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose. We're gonna disband. In the name of Christmas. [Pam] In the name of Nutcracker Christmas. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Angela, we've been hearing really great thing about uh... your brownies and we were hoping you'd consider merging into two parties. [Angela] I'm not sure. Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs? [Pam] Yeah, but we don't have a power cord. [Angela] Oh, I may have seen it somewhere. Is it this one? [Pam] Mmm. Hmm. [Karen] Yeah, thanks. [Pam] We'll go tell everyone. [Karen] OK. --------------------------------------- [Andy and Michael] And if you want love, we'll make it. Swim in a big sea of blankets. Take all your big plans and break 'em. This is bound to take awhile. Your body is a wonderland. Your body is a wonderland. [Andy] Your hands. [Both] Your body is a wonderland. [Andy] I'll use my hands on it. [Both] Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face... --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Whatever we deny or embrace. For worse or for better. We belong, we belong, we belong together... Ryan... [Michael] When you know, you just know. [Kevin] Right. [Michael] Check her out. My little gal over there. Babe-alectable. [Roy] Which one is she? [Michael] It's... it's one of those two. [Roy] You don't know? [Kevin] Dude, you should know. [Michael] Yeah... well, it's been hard, they're wearing the exact same uniform. And I've been drinking. And you know how all waitresses look alike. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Stevie Wonder is married. Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey. Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is. 'Cause I'm drunk, I can't even find her. [Second Cindy] You know where I am. [Michael] Haha, I do! I just haven't hugged you in awhile [Second Cindy] Oh. [Michael] Oh, good. That felt good. Let's go. Party. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Spinnin' n reelin with love. Give it the time, I might come back down. But it feels so good. My feet don't touch the ground. Wha..wha..wild. Wha..wha..wild. Well everybody knows, I'm crazy about 'ya... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Monkey, this is Possum. Do you copy? [Angela] Copy, Possum. What's your twenty? --------------------------------------- [Karen] No way. [Jim] What a horrible, horrible movie that was. [Karen] And now we get to remember it forever. [Jim] Thank you. [Karen] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Second Cindy] Hey. [Michael] Hey, hey, you. How are ya? [Second Cindy] Hey. This party blows, so we're gonna leave. [Michael] No, no, no. Hey, you should stay because we are having fun and... [Second Cindy] Cool... [Michael] Where do you wanna go? [Second Cindy] I... We're just gonna take off. [Michael] I... you know what? I, OK, listen. I like you. I really like you. So much in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica. [Second Cindy] No... I have school. [Michael] You want help? OK... Merry Christmas. [Second Cindy] Merry Christmas. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Lady, from the moment I saw you standing all alone. You gave all the love that I needed... --------------------------------------- [Michael] That waitress was the one. [Jim] No. She wasn't. [Michael] How can you be sure? [Jim] Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately three hours ago. [Michael] Don't make fun... You're making fun of me. [Jim] Sorry. [Michael] I guess, I didn't know her very well. I marked her arm. [Jim] You what? [Michael] I, I put a mark on her arm. So I could tell them apart. I don't... I know, I know. I can't believe I gave her my bike! [Jim] Yeah. [Michael] Oh, why do I feel like crap? [Jim] You just had a rebound. [Michael] I had rebound? Yeah. [Jim] Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I totally rebounded. Someone else shoots and I take the ball and I score. Well, I guess I didn't score and I'm not sure who's actually shooting, but, whatever. Doesn't matter. It's all good. Or as my ex might say. Domo arigato, Mr. Scott-o. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Little baby, parum pum pum pum. I am a poor boy too, parum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, parum pum pum pum. That's fit to give our King, parum pum pum pum.. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, I just wanted to see if, uh you would like to come to Jamaica with me. There's this resort called Sandals. Really? OK. All right. I promise you won't be disappointed. Umm, It's all-inclusive... --------------------------------------- [Angela] ... Shall I play for you, parum pum pum pum [Oscar] Too soon. [Angela] I played my drum for Him, parum pum pum pum. I played my best for Him, parum pum pum pum, Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum. [Dwight] pum pum pum pum pum pum pum --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Bye Pam. [Pam] Night. [Jim] Oh, you know what? Sorry, forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters in Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents. [Pam] We should get him a bus ticket. To make his trip easier. [Jim] Oh no, that would be great. [Pam] It costs seventy five dollars. [Jim] Hmm... Well, maybe the CIA can send a helicopter? [Pam] Ohh... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What the? "You have been compromised. Abort mission. Destroy phone." Destroy phone?

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e10", "title": "A Benihana Christmas (Parts 1&2)"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Back from Vacation [Jim] All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... what is this? [Dwight] Tape recorder. [Jim] For what? [Dwight] For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts. [Jim] OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? [Karen] Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment. [Jim] Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing? [Dwight] What? [Jim] You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. [Dwight] I'm not. [Jim] Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife! [Dwight] I do not have a knife! [Jim] No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?! [Dwight] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! [Jim] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet. [Dwight] Give me it. I am not. [Phyllis] Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly... [Dwight] Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK. [Karen] Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? [Jim] Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies. [Dwight] You can't see... You can't see my stomach. [Andy] I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, mon! [Pam] Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed. [Michael] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. [Pam] OK. [Michael] Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. [Pam] It's kind of serious. [Michael] Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me. [Pam] How was Jamaica? [Stanley] Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here. [Michael] Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too. [Stanley] My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised. [Michael] OK, well payroll is in charge of all that. [Stanley] They said I should talk to you. [Michael] Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... [Stanley] I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check. [Michael] You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You want to talk about it? [Karen] Nope. --------------------------------------- [Karen] I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. [Pam] That's good. [Michael] You know, I had never been out of the country before now? [Pam] Huh. [Michael] Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. [Pam] It's kind of an impoverished country. [Michael] Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three. [Pam] But you can't today, we're doing inventory. [Michael] Inventory's at the end of December. [Pam] We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed. [Michael] I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. [Angela] By the end of the day? That's impossible. [Michael] The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible." [Jim] Yep, it's English, it's "impossible." [Angela] Michael, there's no way we can do it in time. --------------------------------------- [Michael] How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. [Pam] Oh my God. Is that Jan? [Everybody] What? Where? [Pam] On the left. [Everybody] Oh yeah, oh my God. [Michael] No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. s*x. We had s*x. I had s*x with her. I had s*x with Jan. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. [Packer] Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. [Michael] Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. [Packer] You took the ice queen? I don't buy it. [Michael] Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. [Packer] They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim. [Michael] Oh no? [Packer] No. [Michael] OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it? [Packer] Well, no. I got nothing. [Michael] Check it again. Hit refresh. [Packer] Yeah, Mike, still nothing. [Packer] Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? [Roy] He's in the office. [Michael] OK, Hey, man, how's it going? [Darryl] All right, what's up Mike? [Michael] That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me? [Darryl] Yup. [Michael] OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? [Darryl] Uh huh. [Michael] OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. [Darryl] Yup. [Michael] And you sent that out to everyone? [Darryl] Mike, I'm very busy down here. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Yikes. [Kevin] Already sent it to you my friend. [Jim] Fantastic. [Andy] Boring. Call me if she rolls over. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey. [Pam] You OK? [Jim] Yeah. [Pam] You sure? [Jim] Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. [Pam] Oh. You want to talk about it? [Jim] Really? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I have a special assignment for you. [Dwight] Who's the target? [Michael] A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess." [Dwight] What's it of? [Michael] Not important. [Dwight] Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. [Michael] OK, forget it. [Dwight] OK, I accept it. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much. [Pam] Hmm. [Jim] Hmm, what? [Pam] How far away does she live now, like ten minutes? [Jim] Yeah, I guess. [Pam] Honestly, I think you should go easy on her. --------------------------------------- [Pam] No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, thanks a lot. [Pam] Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan! [Jim] Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? --------------------------------------- [Toby] Hey I need to talk to you right now. [Michael] Not now, not ever. [Toby] About you and Jan. [Michael] Aww, none of your business. [Toby] Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship. [Michael] That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. [Toby] Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now. [Michael] This is probably the icebreaker you need. [Toby] You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR. [Michael] I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv. [Toby] All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. [Michael] No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo? [Toby] All right, thanks Michael. [Michael] OK. --------------------------------------- [Angela] OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping. [Karen] What are the ingredients of poi? [Phyllis] I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. [Angela] Did you try the petting zoo? --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you. [Michael] Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat. [Pam] He'll call you back. OK, great. [Michael] She bought it? OK. OK. [Dwight] Michael hit a deer? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael! Michael! There's an emergency in the warehouse. [Michael] There an accident? Somebody hurt? [Dwight] No, it's... involves the photograph. [Michael] Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done. [Michael] All right. [Roy] That corporate booty, he likes to hit it! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman--- [Kevin] Jan. [Michael] No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... [Jim] Urkel Grue. [Michael] My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [Pam] Hey. [Michael] Hey. [Pam] What are you doing out here? [Michael] Island living. You know? [Pam] Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you. [Michael] Did she say what it's about? [Pam] That's all she said. [Andy] Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot --------------------------------------- [Jim] Uh, I think you dropped this [Karen] You sure? [Jim] Definitely. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. [Michael] There are copies in the bathroom? [Dwight] There were. A lot of them. [Michael] All right. --------------------------------------- [Karen] I think I owe you one. [Pam] Sorry? [Karen] For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing. [Pam] Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous. [Karen] Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously. [Pam] Sure. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up You see that? This is the greatest night of my life. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Who did this to you? Where is he? [Pam] What? No, it's not... it's nothing. [Dwight] It's hot in here. [Pam] Yeah. [Dwight] Yeah. [Pam] Thanks. You don't need to stay here. [Dwight] I know. So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh? --------------------------------------- [Jan] Hello everyone. Hello Michael. [Michael] Guh. [Kevin] Hi Jan, you look... tan. [Jan] I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister. [Kevin] Yeah. How was it? [Jan] Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office. [Michael] OK, yup. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Why am I here, Michael? [Michael] I... [Jan] In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? [Michael] I... I... Yes. [Jan] I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself. [Michael] OK, yeah. [Jan] This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks. [Michael] Who is Dr. Perry? I... [Jan] This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you. [Michael] And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. [Jan] Good, good. [Michael] So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... [Jan] Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time... [Michael] Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan] Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. [Michael] Jan, you... complete... me. [Jan] Oh, God. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico? [Pam] Yeah. [Roy] I was definitely right. Oh, brother. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e12", "title": "Back from Vacation"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Traveling Salesmen [Michael] Jim, could you come in here please? [Harvey] Hi, Jim. [Jim] Hello. [Harvey] I am Harvey, a computer. Jim sucks. [Michael] Sorry, oh wow, that's so rude. I'm sorry, I can't control him. [Jim] Yeah, you can. [Michael] You know what? Get Pam. [Jim] For this? [Michael] Pam. [Harvey] Pam, you look very hot today. [Jim] Pam, meet Harvey. This is Michael's new friend. [Pam] Great. [Harvey] Me so horny. Me love you long tim. [Michael] Oh, that is gross. [Pam] Who is 'Long Tim'? [Michael] Damn it. [Harvey] Long time. Me lobe yoy long time. [Jim] Oh well, 'Yoy' should bring in 'Long Tim' in one day. Shouldn't he? [Pam] I would love to meet Long Tim. [Jim] Yeah. Right? [Pam] Yeah. [Harvey] You ruined a funny joke, you. Get out of my offive. [Jim] Ok. [Pam] Ok. Bye Harvey. [Harvey] Boobs. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Angela. [Angela] What? [Kevin] That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them? [Angela] They arrived this morning. [Kevin] Are you sure? It is a big deal. [Angela] Is it a big deal? Is it Kevin? [Kevin] ... Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Five of us transferred from Stamford. There are two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we are touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I am not falling in a chocolate river. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Everything ok? [Dwight] Everything is fine. You are in the clear. [Angela] Thank you. I... I don't want those. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight, care to join us, finally? Thank you. [Andy] Hey Dwight, pass the tardy sauce. Get it Michael? [Michael] Yes. Ok, here is the dream team. My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first. [Andy] Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott. [Michael] Oh. [Andy] Ph. D. Doctor of Sales. [Michael] Well, I appreciate that. That is very gracious of you. [Andy] Well, it is very gracious of you to accept. [Michael] Well, thank you sir. Ok, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior. [Phyllis] We're the same age and I'll pick... Karen. [Karen] Oh, uh, thanks. [Michael] Good. Next up, Superfly himself, Stanley. [Stanley] Pass. [Michael] You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody. [Stanley] ... I'll take the kid. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass." --------------------------------------- [Michael] So that just leaves Dwight and Jim. [Dwight] Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade? [Jim] Yup. I'll trade. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh young Jim. There is just so much I need to warn you about. And yet, tragically, I cannot. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Sebring by Chrysler. Heck of a... motor... carriage. [Michael] Dwight? [Dwight] Yup? [Michael] Here ya go. [Dwight] Yeah! You want shirts on hangers? [Michael] Please. [Andy] He does your laundry? [Michael] Long story. All right everybody, circle up. Here we go. You know what this is? This is the "Amazing Race." And you guys are the retired marines. And you guys are the mother and daughter. And you guys are the gay couple. And we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go? [Karen] Wait, "Amazing Race" like, the biggest sale wins? [Michael] No, we're just going to rush out, do the sales thing, and come back. [Ryan] Is there a prize? [Michael] Just bragging rights. [Phyllis] Then how is this "Amazing Race"? [Michael] It's just... brrrrrr... It's "Amazing Race," Phyllis. Okay? We're in teams of two and we are on a mission. All right, so, on your mark, get set, go. Let's do it. [Dwight] Come on!! [Phyllis] Michael. [Michael] Whoah, whoah. Oh hahahaha. Vamanos! [Andy] Bueno. [Phyllis] Do you have a pole? [Karen] Let's go get a broom. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Seriously? You're going to sit in the back? [Dwight] Uh, yeah. It's the safest part of the car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side of the car first. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here we go. --------------------------------------- [Andy] In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally, which, in this case, is Michael. Here's the good news. Every success I've ever had at my job or with the lady-folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down. --------------------------------------- [Andy] What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry? [Michael] Ugh... that is a long story. Um, couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job and I am now having him do my laundry as punishment. [Andy] Wow, that is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially about the part Dwight going behind your back and basically, like, being a terrible person. You know if you want your laundry done right? I used to work at Abercrombie. So, pretty good folder. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Hey Pam. Would you like to go with me to grab a coffee? [Pam] Really? [Angela] Yeah, I could use some fresh air. Might be fun. [Pam] Ok. Sure. [Angela] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Why are we turning in here, this is a beauty salon? [Phyllis] Um-hmmm. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after? [Stanley] You want the lead? [Ryan] Yeah, if you don't mind. [Stanley] Mind? Nothing would delight me more. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Leave the keys. [Jim] You still do that thing? [Dwight] Leave the keys! --------------------------------------- [Andy] I think you have assembled an amazing team at Scranton. It's really a pleasure to be a part of it. It's like, everyone has their own special skill, you know, just like the Superfriends. Except for Dwight, who is more like a SuperDud. I mean, he would be a Superfriend if there was a Superfriend whose super power was always being late. You know? [Michael] Hawkman. --------------------------------------- [Andy] My plan is taking longer than I thought but I don't give up easily. I have walked two marathons. [Michael] Let's go. The men's room was disgusting. --------------------------------------- [Jim] After you sir. [Dwight] No thank you, I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear. [Jim] Ok, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I will attack you from the front. [Dwight] Uh, yeah, but it will be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. I can counter it with... --------------------------------------- [Pam] Angela, you seem so happy. I bet you wish you were like this all the time. [Angela] This friend of mine - let's call her Noelle - she missed this deadline turning something in to Corporate in New York. But then this gallant gentleman - we'll call him Kurt - he drove all the way to New York and handed it in for her. That's... I don't know. I guess he really just likes her a lot. [Pam] That's great. [Angela] Yes, it is. Hello? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, did you catch that up at Lake Wallenpaupack? [Buyer] Yep. [Michael] You know, I used to go up there all the time with my step-dad, and I never caught anything that big. [Andy] Caught an eighty-pound shark off of Montauk. It's in the Hamptons. My dad's got a 42-ft Bayliner. Sniped it with a rifle from the crow's nest. Also shot a deer once. [Michael] You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder-Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hardwork and decency. [Andy] Ok, this is the classic undersell because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York. [Buyer] Uh, I have to say I am a little wary with getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past. [Michael] I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company. [Andy] Oh, man, that is, like, poetry. [Michael] No. [Andy] I swear, this guy could sell paper to a tree. [Michael] Stop it. Stop it. [Andy] Ow. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. This is Pam. I did? --------------------------------------- [Andy] Oh man. Talk about your classic "Lame dash O." Do we even want that guy buying our paper? [Michael] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Andy] I... I'm so sorry man. I really screwed that up. [Michael] Ah, no. Don't worry about it. [Andy] I really 'Schruted' it. [Michael] What? [Andy] 'Schruted' it. It's just this thing that people say around your office all the time. Like, when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you 'Schruted' it. I don't know where it comes from though. Do you think it comes from Dwight Schrute? [Michael] I don't know. Who knows how words are formed. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] It's a big order. Thanks Kenny. [Karen] Yeah, thank you. [Phyllis] Hey, how's Annie? [Kenny] Oh, she's great. This is us last year in Bermuda. Lovely place. You ever been to Bermuda? --------------------------------------- [Julius] Stanley Hudson. [Stanley] Ah, Julius, how's it goin'? [Julius] Great, great, great. [Guy] Stanley. [Stanley] So good to see you too. I'd like you fellas to meet Ryan Howard. [Ryan] Hi. [Stanley] I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword. Ryan? [Ryan] Um... Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. [Julius] Hello, Ryan. What do you have for us? [Ryan] Oh... --------------------------------------- [Jim] We can offer our biggest discounts on 30% recycled and ultra-premium laser. [Man] 'Kay. 'Kay. [Dwight] Can I use your phone? [Man] Yeah, sure, go ahead. [Dwight] Thanks. [Jim] Let me talk to you about a few of the other things we can offer. Namely, we know the tax season is coming up, so by April 1st we can have you fully stocked. [Dwight] One... [Jim] We have discount prices on ink cartridges... [Dwight] Three... [Jim] And, also, any forms that you are going to need... [Dwight] Seven... [Jim] We can custom make them. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Yeah I did a watercolor of Frances Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won! My painting won. So I like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth grade class that picked me. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey Kev, guess what. I won an art contest today. [Kevin] How much did you win? [Pam] $100. [Kevin] I won $400 bucks on the Celtics game last night. [Pam] Cool. Congratulations. [Kevin] Thanks, so sweet. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Ha ha ha! And you just said, "Hi! Hi! Hi!" Ha heh ha! You sounded like my niece, and she's six months old! --------------------------------------- [Man] We'll I appreciate what you guys are saying but it, uh, makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys. [Dwight] Sure. [Jim] Sure, that's true we can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service? [Man] It's very. [Phone] Please keep holding, your call is very important to us. [Dwight] Erm, that's one of the 'Big guys.' Been on hold this whole time. [Jim] And this is Dunder-Mifflin. [Kelly] Dunder-Mifflin customer service, this is Kelly. [Jim] Hey, Kelly, it's Jim. [Kelly] Oh my god, Jim. How are you ? I wanted to tell you ... . [Dwight] Here is my card. It's got my Cell number, my pager number, my home number, and my other pager number. I never take vacations, I never get sick, and I don't celebrate any major holidays. [Man] All right, I get it. We got a deal. [Jim] Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Angela. I got good news today too. I won an art contest. [Angela] That's great Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens. [Pam] Oh. [Angela] I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash. [Pam] Oh? [Angela] Mmm-hmm. [Pam] Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager... is... You understand. [Angela] Well then. Have a nice day. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Thanks. That was fun. [Phyllis] Yeah, I really enjoy spending time with you. You are a very nice person. [Karen] Thank you. [Phyllis] I'm so glad you're with Jim. He was hung up on Pam for such a long time. Never thought he would get over her. [Karen] That's nice. [Phyllis] You can pay me back later for the makeover. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Hey boss. Got a minute? [Michael] Yes, Andy. [Andy] I forget, why did Dwight say he was late this morning? [Michael] He didn't say. [Andy] That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a tollbooth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So, why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? Do you think he went to see Jan? That's not like him. Is it? Someone told me a story about this, with, like, laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something? [Michael] No, you are remembering it wrong. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I like Karen. She's pretty and appears intelligent. [Jim] Well, I like pretty women who have the appearance of intelligence. [Dwight] My girlfriend is also beautiful and smart. She could be a model or a college professor which is intimidating to a lot of guys. [Jim] We should go on a double date. [Dwight] No thank you. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote "Beeswax. Not yours, Inc." [Michael] I knew it. [Andy] Oh, doggie. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Hey, do you want to grab a coffee? [Jim] Sure. Look at you! [Karen] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Beesley, coffee? [Pam] No, thanks. I had some already. [Jim] All right. [Pam] Oh, but, hey, Jim. [Jim] Yeah. [Pam] I won an art contest today. [Jim] No way! All right Pam. Congratulations. [Pam] Thanks. [Jim] Which one was it? [Pam] I sent in one of my watercolors. [Jim] Cool. [Pam] It was the new one I did. [Jim] Oh [Karen] You ready Jim? [Jim] Yeah. Can I see it when I get back? [Pam] Yeah. [Jim] Congratulations. [Pam] Thanks. [Jim] Big deal. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hey, we nailed the sale! [Michael] Where were you this morning? [Dwight] I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow. [Michael] Why do you lie, liar? [Dwight] I am not a liar. [Michael] You are lying right now. [Andy] It sure seems like he is lying. [Dwight] Stay out of this, you! [Michael] I know that you went to corporate this morning, and I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you tell me this instant exactly what you were doing. [Dwight] Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me, I would never do anything to hurt you or this company. [Michael] Ok, you know what? I want you to think about your future in this company. I want you to think about it long and hard. [Dwight] That's what she said. [Michael] Don't. Don't you dare. I want to know what you were doing this morning by the end of the day. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] It's going to be ok. [Angela] How is going to be ok, Dwight? Everyone will know our business. [Dwight] That's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan. [Angela] I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world. [Dwight] Well, I don't have a lot of choices. --------------------------------------- [Karen] So, let me ask you a question. [Jim] Ok. [Karen] Did you ever have a thing for Pam? [Jim] Pam? Did I ever have a 'thing' for her? No, why? Did she say something? [Karen] I moved here from Connecticut... [Jim] Yeah. Ok, here's the ... I had a crush on her before I left. And I told her about it and she didn't feel the same way. So, it didn't amount to anything, and I left. I'm really glad you're here. 'Kay? [Karen] 'Kay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ahem-hem-hem. May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting. So... . --------------------------------------- [Andy] Oompa-Loompa Doompity-Dawesome, Dwight is now gone which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy? No, he was not. He was a total douche. Doompity-doomp. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I would like to give the rest of my belongings to Michael Scott. Just take them. Except this. [Michael] Good luck. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but, he will be missed. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Dwight, from sales, was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey man. [Karen] What happened on your sales call? --------------------------------------- [Andy] Um, am I happy the way things turned out? Oh, well, happy's such an ugly word. But, um, I saw what needed to be done and I did it and now I'm thrilled. So, it's pretty... Hello? Pretty good.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e13", "title": "Traveling Salesmen"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Return [Dwight] I have left Dunder-Mifflin after many record-breaking years and am officially on the job market. And it's very exciting. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts: professional resume, athletic and special skills resume, and Dwight Schrute trivia. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] How would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working, Alpha male, Jackhammer, Merciless, Insatiable. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] There is nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And uh, it's fine for the time being. Oops. Break's over. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Big Turkey. [Jim] Is that you singing? [Andy] All four parts. Recorded it on my computer. It took me forever. [Jim] Nice job. [Andy] Thank you muchly. [Jim] You gonna answer it? [Andy] I called it myself. I just thought you'd get a kick out of the new ring. [Jim] Yikes. [Andy] Side note. I'd just like to say I'm thrilled to be working directly beneath you. [Jim] Thank you. [Andy] I feel I have a lot to learn from you, even though you're younger and have less experience. So here's to the future... Andy and the Tuna. Andy and the tuna... --------------------------------------- [Jim] I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yes, Dwight Schrute has left this company. More personnel turnover. [Andy] The cost of doing business. [Michael] Yes, well. It is a big loss. Dwight was the top salesman... [Andy] Was the top salesman... [Michael] I said 'was'. [Andy] Addition by subtraction. [Michael] What does that even mean? That is impossible. [Andy] Mmmm. Yeah you're right. [Michael] But, there is some good news. Oscar is back. Addition by addition. So we are going to have a big party today to welcome him back and hopefully that will lift everybody's spirits. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Hey, everyone. [Kevin] Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gay-cation? [Oscar] Oh, that's very funny. [Kevin] Yeah? I thought of it like, two seconds after you left. [Oscar] Hi, Angela. [Angela] Oscar. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Hey, boss. [Michael] Hey, what's up. [Andy] Noooothin'. Ehrrrrrrrrr. Heh. Man. TGI-Wednesday. Am I right? [Michael] Yep. [Andy] Gonna go home. Get my beer on. Get my "Lost" on. What are you doing later, wanna hang out? [Michael] I don't know. Maybe. [Andy] Well, I will take that as a maybe. Where are you going? [Michael] Bathroom. [Andy] Oh, well, I'm going to the kitchen, I'll walk with you. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Yeah, things are going pretty good. Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Oscar? I have a question. Would you like to join the party planning committee? [Oscar] The one of all women? [Angela] Yeah. [Oscar] Because I'm gay? [Angela] No. No. Certain events have transpired. And I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired. And I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations. [Oscar] OK, OK, OK, all right, all right. I'll join. I'd love to. That's -- thank you. [Angela] Thank you. [Kevin] Can I join too? [Angela] Never. --------------------------------------- [Staples Guy] You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work. [Dwight] Child's play. Give me something hard to sell. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Wow. What is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible. [Pam] Do you want me to ask the cleaning crew if they stopped watering it? [Michael] Yeah. And you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk too. They always used to arrange them in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning. [Pam] Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight. [Michael] Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around the office. [Andy] Feel ya, dawg. [Michael] Yeah, do you? [Andy] Absolutely. [Michael] What did I say? [Andy] You said... [Michael] Huh. [Andy] Which is like, "Right on." And Pam was like "blah blah blah" and you were like "Yeah, psht." Nailed it. [Michael] Oh, no. [Andy] Oh, no. --------------------------------------- [MIchael] Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me." I don't understand how someone could have so little self-awareness. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party. [Michael] No, hey, hey. Don't be ridiculous. Of course we are going to have a party. A celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I want it to be Oscar-specific. [Oscar] Michael -- [Michael] No, no, no. I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So Phyllis... I want you to go find firecrackers. And a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga. [Oscar] Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office like Pepe. [Michael] Ah, a burro, of course. If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Need any help? [Lady] Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking. [Dwight] Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all. [Lady] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Andy] I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now. Oh, oh, got my rod here. Whizzzzz. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Cli -- ah! I got one! I got one! Ahhhh! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey. [Karen] Hey. [Jim] So Andy is in rare form today. [Karen] Yeah, you should not encourage him. [Jim] Encourage him? I'm the victim, okay? He's fishing for me. We've got to do something. [Karen] Look, I've got like fifteen new clients I inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature. So, I'm sorry. I can't. [Jim] Fine. Party pooper. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady? Marv something? Andy is like Marv Something. Great sportscaster. Big weirdo creep. --------------------------------------- [Andy] 185 pounder. Check it out. Whew! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey, Ryan? [Ryan] What? [Jim] You wanna pull a prank on Andy? [Ryan] Not right now, but ask me again ten years ago. [Jim] I liked you better when you were the temp. [Ryan] Yeah, me too. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey guys. How's the workload on all of Dwight's old accounts? Handling it okay? [Phyllis] Sort of. He had a lot of clients. [Michael] Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight? [Stanley] Oh, sure, we talk all the time. [Michael] Really? [Stanley] No. [Michael] Don't - don't do that. That's not nice. What about you, Phyllis? You and Dwight were close. [Phyllis] No. Sorry. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Dwight has a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together it can be explosive. --------------------------------------- [Paris] Really comin' down out there. Commute's gonna be hell. [Dwight] I have snow tires and chains. Plus exceptional hand-eye coordination. [Paris] So um, where were you workin' before this? [Dwight] Dunder-Mifflin. [Paris] What kind of company is that? [Dwight] Paper company. They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area. [Paris] I never heard of 'em. [Dwight] Whoa. Really? Have you heard of paper? [Paris] You gonna be like that, huh? --------------------------------------- [Paris] I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter. --------------------------------------- [Andy] In your he-ead, in your he-eyd-ed. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Ey, ey, ey, ey. In your he-eyd-ed. [Jim] Would you like to pull a prank on Andy? [Pam] Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of -- yes please. [Jim] Okay, good. Stay right here. [Andy] Oh. Good move, Tuna. Nice one. [Jim] Are there any messages? [Pam] Nope. [Jim] So weird. [Pam] Hmm. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Nice to have Oscar back. [Angela] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Large Tuna. Have you seen my cell phone device? [Jim] No. [Andy] Cause someone is calling right now. There is a call. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Angela? [Angela] Oh. [Pam] Is everything okay? [Angela] No. --------------------------------------- [Andy] What's going on? [Jim] What are you talking about? [Andy] Where is my FREAKING phone?! [Jim] You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling. [Andy] Maybe you're in the ceiling! [Jim] Okay. [Andy] I don't trust you, Phyllis! --------------------------------------- [Angela] I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he was driving to New York to drop off the correlated documents that I forgot to send. Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me. [Michael] Why would Dwight do that for you? I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company. [Angela] Yes. [Michael] Do you think that anyone else out there would have driven to corporate for you? [Angela] None of them. Especially not Andy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, I have a mission to accomplish. Make sure this party gets rolling and I will be back shortly. [Andy] Wait up. Where are you going? Do you want me to come with? [Michael] Um. [Andy] Just listen, I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bars, beers, buzzed. Wings. Shots. Drunk. Waitresses, hot. Football - Cornell/Hofstra. Slaughter. Then a quick nap at my place and we'll hit the tiz-own. [Michael] No. I don't want to do any of that. [Andy] Duh. Which is why I was just joking about doing that. [Michael] No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy. [Andy] Fine. I'll just sit at my desk and be quiet. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. Excuse me. And I'm also sorry that a lot of people here for some reason think it's funny to steal someone's personal property and hide it from them. Here's a little newsflash! It's not funny! In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny! Oh, my GOD. That... was an overreaction. Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything? Pam, you good? [Pam] Yeah. [Andy] Sure? Okay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Well, that question is meaningless. Just go with the copy paper. It's your funeral. See how that works out for you. [Michael] Hey. [Dwight] Hey. [Michael] What's up? [Dwight] Same old. [Michael] Um. It takes a big man to admit his mistake. And I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did. [Dwight] Oh my God, she told you? [Michael] Yes, she did. And Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly I have misjudged you from the beginning, and I apologize. [Dwight] Accepted. [Michael] How's this place treating you? [Dwight] The boss isn't funny. [Michael] Oh, well. [Dwight] I don't get to wear my ties. [Michael] No. I'm sure. [Dwight] So? [Michael] So, maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please. [Dwight] I don't want to do your laundry anymore. [Michael] We can talk about that. All right. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall. [Pam] I think we broke his brain. [Jim] "It's not freakin' funny!" --------------------------------------- [Angela] Are you enjoying your fiesta? [Oscar] Actually, yeah. I didn't think I would, but turns out -- it's great. [Michael] Ladies and gentlemen! May I present... Mr. Dwight Schrute! [Everybody] Yay. [Angela] Welcome back. [Dwight] Thank you. [Michael] Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand. You're gonna break it. Not bad, huh? [Dwight] You did this for me? [Michael] Guilty. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Oh... Where did you get this stuff? [Meredith] Gerty's. [Creed] Which aisle? [Meredith] I don't remember. [Creed] Well, draw me a map, mama. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam. I will shake mine and then you will shake yours. [Pam] No, I will not. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So does this remind you of your childhood right now? [Oscar] It reminds me a lot of the 'Three Amigos' with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase. [Michael] Wow. Thank you. Wow, that's-- thanks so much. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey. [Karen] Do you still have feelings for her? [Jim] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale! Sir, would you do the honor? [Dwight] Oh, man. No, no, no. I don't need it. Get out! --------------------------------------- [Michael] It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. Hmm. --------------------------------------- [Andy] So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still. Management material. This whole thing supposed to take ten weeks, but I can be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo, so. [Marcy] Oh, hi. You must be Andy. [Andy] Oh, hi! Yes. I am and you must be... Marcy! [Marcy] That's right, it's so good to meet you. [Andy] It's so good to meet you! [Marcy] Thanks. Well, you ready to have some fun? [Andy] Yeah.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e14", "title": "The Return"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Ben Franklin [Michael] Hello son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead. Life is a road--- [Dwight] How do you know it's going to be a boy? [Michael] How, would you stop interrupting please? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. And when I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious. And if I die I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here are some things that I want to teach you that your mother won't be able to. --------------------------------------- [Michael] To jump start a car, first pop the hood. Then you take these bad boys and clip them anywhere on the engine. Then you take these and clip them wherever. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Number eight, learn how to take off a woman's bra. [Pam] What? [Michael] We will demonstrate on Pam. [Pam] No. No. [Michael] Come on. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You just twist your hand until something breaks. [Dwight] Ow. [Michael] Well you get the picture. Thanks Pam. --------------------------------------- [Michael] And remember no matter what, I will always love you. [Dwight] What if he's a murderer? [Michael] He's not going to be a murderer. [Dwight] Maybe that's how you die. [Michael] You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this, or no? [Dwight] I want to do this. [Michael] Okay. From the top. Ready? Three- [Dwight] Action. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hello everyone! As you know, we are six days away from Phyllis' wedding. So get your suits to the dry cleaner and get your hair did. And Karen, um, you might want to invest in a dress or a skirt of some kind if you don't already have one. This may be Phyllis' only wedding ever. It is my job to ensure that none of you look like ragamuffins. So I am instituting prima nocta. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Prima nocta, I believe from the movie Braveheart, and confirmed on wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So... --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I'm trying to get everyone excited about Phyllis' wedding because I want her to get people excited about my wedding when the time comes. Which won't be hard, because it's going to be awesome. A lot better than hers, that's for sure. It'll probably be on a boat. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What's up spinsters? [Angela] Nothing. You know this is a luncheon shower. Girls only. [Michael] No problem. The guys are having a little shindig of their own in the warehouse. From 2:30 to 3:15. It is the only time that Bob was available. Sort of a guy's night out. A G-N-O if you will. A Gah-No. Actually, it's more of a guy's afternoon in. A G-A-I. A gay. Not- not- it's uh, not gay, it's just a, it's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour long shower with guys. --------------------------------------- [Karen] I guess Jim and I have had a little bit of a rough patch for the past couple weeks but we had some really good talks and actually now I think that we're better than ever. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and uh, every night, for the last five nights. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Something's up with Jim and Karen. Not that I've been eavesdropping. It's not really any of my business, but I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck. --------------------------------------- [Packer] Halpert! Tall, queer, handsome as ever. Hey everybody it's me, Jim. Hello, hello. Todd Packer. [Karen] Karen Fillipelli. Jim's girlfriend. [Packer] Shut up! [Karen] Yep. [Packer] Shut it! [Karen] That's rude. [Packer] Either this chick is a dude or Halpert got scared straight! [Michael] Yes. Yes! Oh! There-oh! [Packer] What happened? [Michael] Oh God- [Packer] Quick somebody help! Help the man! [Michael] No, no, no! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I can't believe you're not going to be there. It's going to be good, it's going to be a great bachelor party man. [Packer] I have a full day of sales calls. [Michael] You should get out of them. [Michael] It's the only time he can do it. 2:30 to 3:15. It's going to be great. We're going to be doing some darts, we're going to be grilling up some steaks, got some pie. Going to be very delicious. [Packer] And what kind of stripper did you get? [Michael] I did not order a stripper. [Packer] You didn't order a stripper? Have you ever even been to a bachelor party? [Michael] Um, not personally, no. [Packer] Mike, okay, a stripper is bachelor party 101. If you don't get a stripper your party is going to suck it hard. [Michael] I can't get a stripper here. Sexual Harassment. [Packer] Just get one for the girls too. That evens it out. You know, separate but equal. [Michael] So that's what that means. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay. Uh! [Dwight] Alright! Uh! [Michael] Gay. [Dwight] What? [Michael] Okay. Co-ed naked strippers in this office. For realsies. [Angela] Under no circumstance should a man strip off his clothes in this office. [Meredith] SHUT UP ANGELA! --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey. [Jim] Hey. [Pam] Ugh. [Jim] Ugh. [Pam] Everything okay? [Jim] Oh yeah. Why? [Pam] Well you seem a little tired. [Jim] Oh. Yeah well, I guess there's been a couple late nights. Karen and I have been up talking. [Pam] You should get more sleep. [Jim] Yeah, I know I should. [Pam] Never underestimate the power of a good night's sleep. [Jim] No, I'm sure you're right. [Pam] When I get eight hours, compared to like six hours, like, big difference. [Jim] Really? [Pam] Oh yeah. Gotta get your REM cycle going with the whole sleeping. Better than not. [Jim] Good advice Beesley. Thanks. See you out there. [Pam] Yeah. Don't fall asleep at your desk. Oh my God. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay. We are off. Ryan and I are going to go get some supplies and I need you to handle hiring the strippers. [Jim] Absolutely not. [Dwight] I'm on it. [Michael] Well get on it. And make it happen. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles, no tats. No, TATS. Of course I want- [Jim] Stop. That's disgusting. [Dwight] Leave me alone and get the male stripper. [Jim] Fine. [Dwight] I knew you would, Nancy. [Jim] Sally. [Dwight] No preference, what do you think redhead or brunette? [Jim] Blonde. [Dwight] Nice. Do you have any blonde women? --------------------------------------- [Ryan] He hasn't even said a word yet. Just giggling. [Michael] Gotcha, oh! Yes? [Jim] Are you okay? [Michael] I'm in the, I'm in the s*x shop. [Jim] Ah, gotcha. Okay, so they have Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or Sponge Bob Squarepants. [Michael] Squarepants? [Jim] Yep, Spongebob Squarepants. [Michael] And you think that'd be sexy? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Michael referred me to a male strip club called Banana Slings. Instead, I called the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania. --------------------------------------- [Ben Franklin] Hold the door please! [Michael] Oh. [Ben Franklin] Thank you. [Michael] Oh. Hello! [Ben Franklin] Hello! [Michael] You wearing a thong? [Ben Franklin] What? --------------------------------------- [Angela] Sparkling cider is very good. [Pam] I think that's champagne. [Michael] Hello ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin. [Ben Franklin] Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin. [Michael] Half pants, right Mr. Franklin? [Ben Franklin] Knickers in fact, yes! [Michael] He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever. [Ben Franklin] Well, actually, I never was president. [Michael] Yes, but, Ben Franklin was. [Ben Franklin] Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers. [Michael] And when they came over on the Mayflower. Bow chicka bow. [Meredith] Wait, this is the entertainment? [Michael] Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Have you ever seen a stripper before? [Dwight] Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on Alias. It was one of her many aliases. [Jim] Yeah, me neither. [Elizabeth] Hey. [Jim] Hi. [Elizabeth] I'm Elizabeth, I'm the dancer that was requested. [Dwight] Okay, I specifically ordered a stripper. [Elizabeth] I'm the stripper. [Dwight] Oh, okay good. Well in the future please identify yourself as such. [Jim] Oh God. [Dwight] Is she hot? Text back, "Kind of." --------------------------------------- [Ben Franklin] It was a warm June evening in 1752, the night of my fateful kite flight. [Karen] Mr. Franklin? [Ben Franklin] Yes? [Karen] Do you have a girlfriend? [Ben Franklin] I have a lovely wife, Deborah. [Pam] But don't you also have girlfriends in Paris? Like a lot of them? [Ben Franklin] Uh, well that is a grey area of my life. Okay? So, it was a warm June evening. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Look at that. Nothing like grilling in the great outdoors. [Ryan] Is this the same grill you grilled your foot on? [Michael] No. Yes. [Ryan] Oh gross. [Michael] But I got all the foot off of it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Okay Ben Franklin! [Karen] Ben Franklin tied a cherry stem with his mouth! [Ben Franklin] Well, that is because I am a renaissance man. [Pam] Ben Franklin, do you wear boxers, briefs, or pantaloons? [Ben Franklin] Well, you're very saucy! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Guys, beef! It's what's for dinner! Who wants some man meat? [Dwight] I do! I want some man meat! [Jim] Michael, Dwight would like your man meat. [Michael] Well then my man meat, he shall have. There you go. Deliciousity. [Stanley] Of course. --------------------------------------- [Karen] So I guess you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume and you figure, how can I put this to practical use? [Pam] Well I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator and he really pressured him into it. [Karen] Hey um, I wanted to talk to you. I know this is weird or whatever, but Jim told me about you guys. [Pam] What do you mean? [Karen] Well that you kissed. And we talked it through and it's totally fine, it's not a big deal. It's just a kiss. Wait- you're not still interested in him? [Pam] Oh yeah. [Karen] Really? [Pam] Oh no, I was confused by your phrasing. You should definitely go out with Jim. I mean, you're going out with Jim. I'm not going out with Jim. You're dating him, which is awesome, because you guys are great together. [Karen] Okay. [Pam] I'm not into Jim. Yeah. [Karen] So um, well good. [Pam] Yeah. Sorry. [Karen] What are you sorry about? [Pam] Um, what? [Karen] What are you sorry about? [Pam] Nothing. I was just thinking of something else. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Okay. The game is no limit deuce to seven lowball. Lines twenty five fifty, nickels are worth ten, dimes twenty-five, and quarters fifty. Nothing wild. [Michael] I call shuffle. Here we go. [Kevin] Michael. [Michael] Ah, gentlemen, the entertainment is here. Everybody I'd like to introduce you to Elizabeth. [Elizabeth] Hi guys! [Michael] Nice outfit. [Elizabeth] I hear there's an important meeting here. --------------------------------------- [Roy] I'm not really into strippers. You know what I find sexy? Pam's art. She's an artist and I appreciate that. It's very moving and sexy. The art. --------------------------------------- [Elizabeth] Hit it. So where's the groom? [Michael] He's right there. There he is. [Bob Vance] Absolutely not. That's all you. That's all you. [Michael] Okay. Alright, I'll do it. Yeah. Lets do it. Lets do this thing. Yeah. What do I? [Elizabeth] Just sit on down. [Michael] Alright. [Elizabeth] Alright. [Michael] Okay. [Elizabeth] Here we go. [Michael] Here we go. Alright! [Elizabeth] Yeah! [Michael] Not bad! Not bad! You smell nice. Like Tide. [Elizabeth] Mmm, what's that? [Michael] You smell like Tide detergent. Do you use Tide detergent? Ha ha ha! I have a girlfriend so... [Elizabeth] I bet she'd be jealous. [Michael] Yeah she probably, yeah she would be. You know what, okay, excuse me. Please stop it, stop it. Turn off the music. This is wrong, this is wrong! This is wrong! I have a girlfriend. And you are engaged and I'm sure you have a boyfriend in prison or something so lets just clear out okay. Shame on you. Go back to work! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Elizabeth, I want you to sit here. When the phone rings, answer it. [Elizabeth] You want me to answer phones with my clothes on. [Dwight] We hired you for three hours work and we're going to get it. [Elizabeth] Oh I love your poster. [Angela] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Ben Franklin] You know I invented electricity. [Pam] I know. [Ben Franklin] Well I'm sensing a little electricity right here. [Pam] Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis? [Ben Franklin] Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon. [Pam] Ohhh. --------------------------------------- [Michael] On one hand I want to be honest with Jan and tell her the truth but on the other hand I'm afraid she's going to dump me. [Ben Franklin] You know Michael, I fathered an illegitimate son. [Michael] Really. [Ben Franklin] But I kept all this from my wife Deborah. These things only serve to upset the women. They are the gentler s*x. [Michael] Well, Ben Franklin, you're really kind of a sleezebag. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Um, should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me? [Elizabeth] Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone. [Michael] Wow. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Care for a piece of chocolate? [Ben Franklin] Chocolate! Where did you acquire it? That is a delicacy in the Amazon but it has not yet been imported to the United States. [Dwight] Who is the king of Austria? [Ben Franklin] Joseph the 2nd. [Dwight] Who is the king of Prussia? [Ben Franklin] Fredrick Wilhelm the 3rd. [Dwight] Who is the king of England? [Ben Franklin] Why the tyrant King George, of course! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I don't care what Jim says, that is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Michael, I left a meeting. What is so urgent? Are you, are you okay? [Michael] Not really, look I don't know how to say this so I just will. [Jan] Okay. [Michael] I went to a bachelor party and things got a little out of hand. [Jan] Uh when, when did, when last night? [Michael] No, today at work. [Jan] You went to a bachelor party at work? [Michael] Yes. I kind of arranged it. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Well I don't even think the stripper was that hot. Do you guys think she was hot? [Ryan] Kelly don't do this. [Kelly] Do what? I just asked you a question. [Ryan] You know what you're doing. [Kelly] Anyway, do you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam. [Jim] Really? Looks like I hired the right guy. I'm glad. Any real potential there Beesley? [Pam] Yeah, right. God, I need a boyfriend. You know Ryan I'm totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends. Whenever. [Ryan] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Elizabeth] Oh my God, I would get so fat if I worked here. [Pam] Yeah? I lose my appetite all the time. [Elizabeth] You could strip you know. [Pam] Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So you don't want to end our relationship? [Jan] I'm closer to firing you. [Michael] That is so sweet. You are the best GD girlfriend in the world. Do you know that? [Jan] I'll talk to you later. [Michael] You are. You are. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So you know who turned out to be kind of a creep? Ben Franklin. And Elizabeth the stripper gave me great advice. Which rhymed. Really makes you wonder how Ben Franklin can become president, but someone like Elizabeth can't. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Are you near sighted or far sighted? [Ben Franklin] Both. That's why I invented the bifocal. [Dwight] GAH!!!

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e15", "title": "Ben Franklin"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Phyllis' Wedding [Jim] Damn, lost another file. Going to have to reboot. Again. Hey, Dwight, do you want an Altoid? [Dwight] What do you think? --------------------------------------- [Jim] In school, we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang. For the last couple of weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight, want an Altoid? [Dwight] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Altoid? [Dwight] Sure --------------------------------------- [Jim] Mint Dwight? [Dwight] Inbwit? Yes. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] [Jim] What are you doing? [Dwight] I... [Jim] What? [Dwight] I don't know. My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Always the bridesmaids, right ladies? [Photographer] Okay, for this next one everyone hop out. Just Phyllis and Dad. Actually, let's bring Mom back in. And the sisters. And you, and you, and you. Great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Phyllis is getting married. And I am in the wedding party. She has asked me to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. So, basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] Yes, I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Phyllis... ended up using the exact same invitations as Roy and me. So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding. And I was like 'Wait, thought I called that off'. --------------------------------------- [Jim] So what's in the box? [Stanley] A toaster, you? [Karen] A toaster. [Stanley] Unbelievable. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Hello, Angela. [Angela] Hi, Dwight. [Dwight] You look as beautiful as the Queen of England. [Angela] Thank you. Don't linger. Break left. Left! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] The Shrutes have their own traditions. We usually marry standing in our own graves. Makes the funerals very romantic, but the weddings are a bleak affair. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Those flowers are nice. [Karen] Yeah. P and R? [Jim] Phyllis and Robert. [Karen] Ah, of course. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Also, Pam and Roy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There she is. I swear Phyllis you are as beautiful as the first day you started work at Dunder Mifflin. [Phyllis] Thanks, Michael. That's sweet. Same as when you said it outside. [Michael] How you doin'? You excited. [Phyllis] Yes, very. [Michael] Me, too. If you need to vomit, that is ok. I did. Do you want to talk about tonight? [Phyllis] No. [Michael] You're probably worried about pleasing Bob. A lot of pressure. Phyllis, did you break wind? It's okay, if you did. It's a very natural reaction. It's your wedding. And you're nervous... [Phyllis] That wasn't me. [Michael] Okay... umm... I'm sure that Bob... Wow. That is... that is pungent. I lost my train of thought. Aaah... Are you set on that hairstyle? [Phyllis] I thought it was... [Michael] Here, let me... [Phyllis] Michael... No. [Michael] Just cover up that bald patch. [Phyllis] I don't need your... thank you. No, Michael please... I just need some time alone. [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You might be surprised to learn that I've only been to one other wedding. It's actually a very cute story. My Mom was marrying Jeff. And they asked me to be ring bearer. I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. [Michael] I hate you! [Michael] Long story short: Jeff's dog ended up as ring bearer. And the irony is that after the ceremony that dog peed on everything and nobody said 'boo'. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this Earth. We need a new plague. Who are all these people? [Jim] You know what? I bet a lot of them are wedding crashers. [Dwight] No way. [Jim] Did you ever see that movie? [Dwight] Of course I saw it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theatre. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theatre, but I kept waiting. That's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You know I just wish, I wish, I had the investigative powers to smoke some of these guys out. [Dwight] Once again, Jim, I will take care of this. I will locate the wedding crashers and report them to Phyllis. That way I won't have to get her a gift. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Hi. I'm Kevin. Where did you find her? [Toby] At the gym. [Kevin] Riiight. The gym. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Could you scoot over? You're on my dress. [Meredith] I thought you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding. [Kelly] I know but there was an emergency. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This strappy young lad sitting here is Phyllis' father, Albert, and he is quite the ladies' man, aren't you Albert, hah? Ah, ringbearer. I could have done better. I will do better. I am going to be better. I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Ooh! Are you ready for this, Albert? I am. Let's do it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] That's my dress. [Michael] That's ok. [Dwight] It's a miracle. [Michael] This is bull****! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Me walking Phyllis down the aisle was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding. And now... the wedding has no highlight. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I can't believe I pushed that... that guy's lazy ass around all day... until he was ready to stand up and steal the show. That's... well... I got news for you, Albert. If that's your real name. The show's not over. --------------------------------------- [Priest] And do you, Phyllis, take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration, to be your lawfully wedded husband? [Phyllis] I do. [Michael] Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance! [Priest] And do you, Bob... [Michael] Oh, shiii... [Priest] ... take Phyllis to be your lawfully wedded wife [Bob Vance] I do. [Priest] You may now kiss the bride. [Michael] Ladies and Gentleman, for the first time as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Bob Vance. Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! --------------------------------------- [Angela] Congratulations, Phyllis. You look lovely. Your dress is very white. So white, my eyes are burning. [Phyllis] Thanks Angela. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Congratulations, Bob. You're a good man. But just know... if you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you. [Bob Vance] If you ever lay I finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you. [Michael] Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis. Oh, decided to sit down again, huh? Great. Bet you can hear me, too. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Best of luck, Phyllis. Also I'm going to need to see a copy of the guest manifest as well as photographs of the caterers. [Phyllis] I don't have that, Dwight. [Dwight] Dammit, Phyllis! --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Are you all right? This must be so awful for you. [Pam] What do you mean? [Kelly] Well... this was supposed to be your wedding. [Pam] Oh... um... no. That's... um... That's actually fine [Kelly] There's no way it's fine. I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out and get really drunk and then tell someone I was pregnant. [Pam] Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks --------------------------------------- [Dwight] 'Scuse me, sir. How do you know the happy couple? [Uncle Al] Who? [Dwight] The bride and groom? What are their names? [Uncle Al] Oh, I... I don't... I'm not sure. [Dwight] Oh I get it, I get it, come on, freeloader. Let's move it. Come on. Come on. [Uncle Al] Okay, Okay. Where are we going? [Dwight] Got to find yourself another wedding to crash, my friend. [Uncle Al] Oh! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Phyllis! Are you happy with everything? What can I do to make it more perfecter? [Phyllis] It's beautiful. Why don't you find your seat. Enjoy the buffet. [Michael] I'm already on it. The chicken? Totally undercooked. I sent it back. [Phyllis] It's fish. [Michael] I will take care of that. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I do. I know a fair amount about fine food... and drink. This is a white. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] No this is not our first wedding. This is the THIRD wedding that Scrantonicity has played. We also played our bassist's wedding and our guitarist's wedding. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Attention, everyone. Attention, please. I am supposed to ask if anyone has seen Uncle Al. He is old and has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very concerned. It is a very serious situation. Roxanne. You don't have to put on your red light. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey. [Pam] Hey. [Roy] I know I normally don't notice these kind of things but uh... This wedding's really nice! I mean, the flowers and stuff? Phyllis has got some great taste. [Pam] You're kidding me, right? [Roy] I know you're probably not going to remember this, right? But um... Those color roses? I got you those color roses for our prom. [Pam] Roy, I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding. [Roy] I uh guess I wasn't really too involved in the planning. [Pam] Yeah. [Roy] Sorry about that. [Pam] It's okay. [Roy] You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married. --------------------------------------- [Randy] Phyllis, you're a wonderful woman. And you're a hell of a bowler! [Unknown] She is. [Randy] Cheers. [Crowd] Cheers. [Michael] Thank you, Randy. That was great. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I'm Michael Scott and for the next forty minutes, I'm going to be your tour guide through the lives of Phyllis Lapin and Bob Vance. One of the great, seemingly impossible, love stories of our time. My name is Michael Scott. Webster's Dictionary defines "wedding" as the fusing of two metals with a hot torch. Well, you know something. I think you guys are two metals. Gold medals. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Michael Scott, Phyllis' boss. To quote from The Princess Bride "Mawige... --------------------------------------- [Michael] The most important part of a speech is the opening line. When time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Phyllis and Bob: their celebrity couple name would be Phlob. You look at her... and she's kind of matronly today, but back in High School, I swear, her nickname was 'Easy Rider'. Now as for Bob... Bob Vance... [Bob Vance] Oh okay. That's enough. [Michael] is a guy that... [Bob Vance] Thanks, Michael. Give me... [Michael] he works... Okay hold, hold on, hold on. Look. Look. I didn't say anything when Phyllis' dad upstaged me at the ceremony. And I think you owe me this. Kay. [Bob Vance] Give me the microphone. [Michael] No. I'm not going to... [Bob Vance] Give me... Give me the microphone, Michael. [Michael] Ok. All right. [Bob Vance] You're out of here! [Michael] Oh. Yeah. You're out of here! You're... Yeah. I hate you! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey. [Pam] Hey! [Jim] When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves? [Pam] Oh... I'm pacing myself. [Jim] Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want. [Pam] No. I'm such a dorky dancer. [Jim] I know. It's very cute. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hypothetically, if I thought Pam was interested, then... No, it's totally hypothetical. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Come... Come on! [Dwight] I can't let you in, Michael. [Michael] Dwight, just... [Dwight] No, it's Bob and Phyllis' orders. [Michael] Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit and have a piece of cake. I'm not even going to dance one song. [Dwight] You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you. I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure. [Michael] OK. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey, they're playing our song. [Pam] Yeah, that's weird. I thought they only played the Police. [Roy] I know. Uh... I gave them twenty bucks. You want to dance? --------------------------------------- [Michael] ee... I was meant for you... buppity du bom bu. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey, want to get out of here? --------------------------------------- [Jim] Here's a 'not hypothetical'. I'm really happy I'm with Karen. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Every little thing she does is magic. Every little thing she do just turns me on. Even though my life before was tragic. Now I know my love for her goes on. Every... --------------------------------------- [Women] One... Two... Three. Ahhhh! --------------------------------------- [Toby] Toby! Yeah! --------------------------------------- [Michael] I just want Phyllis to have a great day. [Uncle Al] Phyllis and you will be great together. [Michael] We are great together. We are a great team. [Uncle Al] The Celtics were a great team. [Michael] Yes. Yes. They were. Robert Parrish! I should talk to her. I don't want this to ruin her honeymoon. [Uncle Al] Nobody ever helped me. I had to do it myself. Even the doctor didn't know! [Michael] Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for half an hour even though most of that stuff went right over my head. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Phyllis. Phyllis! Wait! Please. I'm sorry. I just... I just wanted to make this a day to remember. [Phyllis] You found Uncle Al! [Michael] Yeah. Yeah. He's kind of a weirdo. [Phyllis] Thank you, Michael. [Michael] You're... You're welcome. --------------------------------------- [Michael] They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that your lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Be careful. Oh no!! Oh wow! Phyllis! Phyllis! You look like a clown! Here. Get me! Get me!

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e16", "title": "Phyllis' Wedding"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Business School [Michael] Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you? [Kevin] My tire blew out on the way here, Michael. [Michael] Huh? [Kevin] I almost died. I... I went into this skid--- [Michael] Pop quiz. [Kevin] ...What? [Michael] Why is today a special day? [Kevin] I almost died. [Michael] Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you... [Ryan] You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class. [Michael] In business school, Kevin. Business school. [Kevin] Wow. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you? [Dwight] "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Will they throw their hats, you think? [Ryan] What? [Michael] A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air. [Ryan] Y-You understand nobody's graduating. [Michael] Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: "May your hats fly as high as your dreams." ... That was a pretty good line. [Ryan] ...It doesn't apply. [Michael] I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! Whoa, hey! [Ryan] Quit it! [Michael] We have fun. --------------------------------------- [Roy] I can't for your art show tonight. [Pam] Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio. [Roy] I-I wouldn't miss it for the world. [Pam] Thanks. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Love ya. [Pam] You too. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] I can't believe you're back together with Roy! [Pam] Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know. [Kelly] Oh my God. You're so in love now. [Pam] Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way. [Kelly] Oh, art show! [Pam] I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there. [Kelly] ...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? Whoo! [College Student] ....Dude. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] ...Oh my God. Animal stool. [Pam] Dwight, what are you doing? [Dwight] Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT! [Karen] Oh my God! [Dwight] BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes! [Stanley] Goooood bye. [Angela] ... Please don't let that stupid thing near me... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now. [Ryan] ...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off... [Michael] I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] We have... a bat... in the office. --------------------------------------- [Toby] The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop! --------------------------------------- [Jim] Okay. Thanks. Animal control will be here at six. [Dwight] At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership. [Jim] I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd... [Dwight] What? What's so wierd? [Jim] The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott. [Michael] Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This is your job, Halpert. [Jim] Ow! [Karen] Oh, what happened? [Jim] That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot. [Karen] But Jim, this garlic bread is cold. [Jim] What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre. [Dwight] No... no. One crisis at a time. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a "sylvania." Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ. --------------------------------------- [Michael] So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... a Whatchamacallit . Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay . And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand . Satisfied? --------------------------------------- [Toby] Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it. [Pam] Oh! No, you should go. [Toby] Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies. [Ryan] Michael. [Michael] ...And products! [Ryan] What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing. [Michael] Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up. [Business Student #1] Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world? [Michael] We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted. [Jim] Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare. [Karen] What glare? [Jim] The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance-- [Creed] Sure. [Dwight] #NAME? [Creed] Okay. [Dwight] Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake? [Creed] What size? --------------------------------------- [Business Student #2] What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain? [Michael] ...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back. [Business Student #2] Has anyone ever come back? [Michael] ...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid. [Business Student #3] How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger? [Michael] Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index? [Business Student #3] ...What? [Michael] Thanks, Kowalsky. Um, can we get on track here? [Business Student #1] By your own employee's calculation you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years. [Michael] ...Wait, Ryan said that? --------------------------------------- [Kelly] What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat. [Creed] Animals can't feel pain. [Kelly] Don't hurt that bat, Creed! It's a living thing with feelings and a family! [Dwight] Flush him towards the door. On my go... NOW! [Kelly] AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT! [Kevin] I... am a hero! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah sure, you know business, sitting up here in your ivory tower. And your ebony tower. You know what? Tell you one thing, Dunder-Mifflin is here to stay. [Business Student #2] But how can you compete against a company with the resources of a nationwide chain? [Michael] David will always beat Goliath. [Business Student #1] But there's five Goliaths, there's... Staples, Officemax... [Michael] Yeah, yeah. You know what else is facing five Goliaths? America. Al-Qaeda, global warming, s*x predators... mercury poisoning. So do we just give up? Is that what we're learning in business school? [Business Student #1] But in the big picture... [Michael] Dunder-Mifflin is the big picture! Can't you understand that? No, you can't. You're too young. Ryan... has never made a sale. And he started a fire trying to make a cheesy pita. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well you know what? He doesn't know anything, and neither do you. SO SUCK ON THAT! --------------------------------------- [Ryan] ...It wasn't personal. [Michael] Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world. When we get back to the office, pack your things. [Ryan] Pack my--? [Michael] You heard me, pack your things. --------------------------------------- [Meredith] I really want to come out! [Creed] Good night, Mary Beth! --------------------------------------- [Jim] So... you're cool to just wait here for animal control? [Dwight] Animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six. [Jim] Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades... there's just so much sun in here... bye Dwight. [Dwight] Goodbye Jim. And good luck. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Jim is on a path now. An eternal journey, and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the kitchen. --------------------------------------- [Pam] ...And it's all from the same series. [Woman] Oh. [Pam] Called 'Impressions.' [Woman] Oh. [Pam] Not that I call myself an impressionist, per se. [Woman] Maybe one day. [Pam] I hope so. [Woman] Mmm. [Pam] I still need... you know, my breakthrough, or whatever. Hey, babe, how are you? [Roy] Good. Alright I brought my brother, huh? [Pam] Hey, Kenny. [Kenny] Hey Pam. [Roy] How 'bout this, huh? I show up with my brother, and, no one from work is here? That's... pretty cool, huh? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Magic time. Gyeeeaahhh! [Meredith] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me! [Dwight] Hold still, woman! [Meredith] Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh! [Dwight] ... ... You're welcome. --------------------------------------- [Roy] It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them. [Pam] Yeah, I'll just, I'll drive myself home. [Roy] To my place? [Pam] Maybe, I'm a little tired. [Roy] Your art.. was the prettiest art of... all art. [Pam] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was just trying to do my presentation, and... of course, I was wrong to suggest that Dunder-Mifflin might ever go out of business. But you don't have to fire me. [Michael] Fire you? No, no no. You are moving... to the annex. [Ryan] To the annex? Where... Kelly is? [Michael] A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people. ... People, Ryan. And people will never go out of business. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] You're the one who said we needed more culture. [Gil] This is culture to you? [Oscar] It's her first try. [Gil] Yeah, on Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants. [Oscar] Meaning what? [Gil] Meaning, real art takes courage, okay? And honesty. [Oscar] Well, those aren't Pam's strong points. [Gil] Yeah, exactly. That's why this is... motel art. --------------------------------------- [Artist] Thanks for coming. [Michael] Pam-casso! Sorry I'm late, I had to race across town. [Pam] Oh, Michael. [Michael] Wow! You did these... freehand? [Pam] Yep. [Michael] My God, these could be tracings! Ohh! Look at this one. Wow! You nailed it. ... How much? [Pam] What do you mean? [Michael] I don't see a... price. [Pam] Um... you wanna buy it? [Michael] Well, yeah. Yeah, we have to have it for the office. I mean, there's my... window, and there's my car! That your car? [Pam] Uh-huh. [Michael] That is our building... and we sell paper. ... I am really proud of you. [Pam] ... Thank you. [Michael] What? [Pam] Do you have something in your pocket? [Michael] ...Chunky. Do you want half? [Pam] No thank you. [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It is... a message. It is an inspiration, it is... a source of beauty. And without paper, it could not have happened. Unless, you had a camera. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God... [Ryan] It's only temporary, okay? Don't get excited. [Kelly] I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't...

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e17", "title": "Business School"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Cocktails [Michael] Can you confirm that the straps are tight? [Dwight] Yes. But this seems to be... [Michael] And now, the chains. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self fulfilling prophecy. It's um, it's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic and a little extra time after school. --------------------------------------- [Michael] MAGIC MAGIC Magic Magic magic magic... And now, Michael the Magic, will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. Can he do it? I don't see how he can. [Dwight] I know how. Dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out from underneath. [Michael] No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. THREE! [Jim] Sorry, quick thing. Is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you? [Michael] I will get out. Oh yes, I will. [Pam] So we shouldn't help you, no matter how much you might beg and plead? [Michael] No. Alright, this is getting hot. So let's just do this. Ok, ready? Three, two, one, go. [Michael] AHHHH! [Kevin] Is everything ok, Michael? [Michael] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I cannot tell you how I plan to escape. Other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Alright. [Michael] Ready? Come on guys. Early worm gets the worm. [Jim] Another worm? Like, are they friends? [Dwight] It's early bird gets the worm. [Michael] Pam, would you smell my breath? [Pam] No, no. [Dwight] Let me smell. Good, not great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] "Michael, you go to parties all the time, why is tonight so special?" Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple. For the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party. Really. And that is why tonight is so special. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jimbo, last chance to carpool. [Jim] Oh no thanks, I think Karen and I will take my car. [Michael] Sure? Might be a good idea. [Jim] Yeah. [Michael] Go in together, could save some gas, have some fun, long trip. [Jim] Thanks. [Michael] Play some games? [Jim] Oh. Um. I think we're good. [Michael] I spy? [Jim] Yeah. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason, so let me think here. Um. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time, or in my work time. And, did I use the word pointless? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Thanks for inviting me along. [Michael] Oh, sure. Really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going? Heh-woh you. [Jan] Michael? [Michael] Hey, Buttercup. [Jan] Hi. [Michael] I am on my way. I should be there in about 15... [Jan] Let's just blow this party off. [Michael] That's what she said. [Jan] Am I on speaker phone? [Michael] Uh, yes you are. [Jan] Is anybody else in the... [Dwight] Hello, Jan. [Jan] Hi, Dwight. Ok, Michael, take me off speaker phone. [Michael] No problem. [Jan] Ok. Let's just go to a motel... [Michael] Ok. [Jan] ...and just like rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica. [Michael] Ok. Jan. Jan? This party is actually a really big step for us. So, I... [Jan] Still on speaker? [Michael] Ummm... I don't know. [Jan] Are camera's there? [Michael] Maybe. [Jan] See you soon. [Michael] Ok. [Dwight] Talk to you later, Jan. [Michael] Alright. Bye. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Hey, Michael left early, so a bunch of us are going to go to Poor Richard's for happy hour. You should come. [Roy] I can't. My brother, he just unloaded the jet ski's and kinda took a bath, so... we're going to go get hammered. [Pam] Ok, well, we're going to a bar. Hey. You have to come to stuff with me. I'm serious! If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to do boyfriend things. [Roy] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I have decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm going to tell people what I want. Directly. So, look out world, cause ol' Pammy is getting what she wants. And, don't call me Pammy. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Beauty. Thank you sir! [Dwight] Salad. [Michael] Thank you. [Dwight] You dressed exactly like the servants. [Michael] Shut up. Ok, change shirts with me. [Dwight] Wait. I don't think yours will fit me. [Michael] I don't care. Oh, wow. Here. Don't put my jacket. Don't give me that. [Dwight] That would have been really embarrassing. [Michael] Yes. [Dwight] Crisis averted. [Michael] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh, that duck is so cute. [Kevin] Hey Pam. [Pam] Hey guys. [Kevin] Oscar. Angela. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hi. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto. Go to a party really early. Become a really good friend. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Oh, um, potato salad. [Dwight] It's from both of us. [Michael] No, it's not. [Rachel] Wonderful, let's, ah, see where we can put this. Ok. [Michael] Oh, you probably want to leave the cover on until the guests get here. --------------------------------------- [Michael] It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just, you never know. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet? [Kevin] Yeah. [Kelly] Oh my God, when is it? [Kevin] It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this. [Roy] Hey. [Pam] Hey. You made it. [Roy] You said it was important, so... How's it going? [Kenny] What's up, Pam. [Pam] Hey Kenny, sorry about the jet skis. [Roy] You guys, uh, want a round, on me? [Everyone] Yeah. [Roy] Yeah? Get you a drink. [Kenny] Thanks man. [Angela] No thank you, Roy. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What are you looking for? You bring dip? [Jan] I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy, and a third copy goes to HR. [Michael] Awesome. I'm going to frame mine. I could frame yours too. [Jan] You realize this is a legal document that says you can't sue the company. [Michael] Over our love. [Jan] I've never told you that I love you. [Michael] You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all. --------------------------------------- [Jan] I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self loathing. Downside? I, uh, date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star. --------------------------------------- [Jan] What's this over the "i"? [Michael] It's a heart. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I love this woman! [Jan] Oh, no. Michael, please. Michael, please. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? [Dan Gore] No. [Dwight] No? Then you are an idiot. --------------------------------------- [Rachel] Hello Michael. [Michael] Rachel. Boy, you clean up good. Place looks great with all the lights on. And everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird. So... [David] Jan, glad you could make it. [Jan] Of course, of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott? [David] Of course I do. [Jan] From the Scranton Branch. [Michael] Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud. [Jan] David, can I, um, speak to you privately for just a moment, please. [Rachel] Excuse me. [Michael] Ok. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh. No. Actually, one of these is supposed to be a lite. [Bartender] Oh, sorry. --------------------------------------- [Man] So did the merger go smoothly, or? [Michael] It did. Like butter. Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen, she was one of them. [Karen] I'm the only one left. Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there is one in Anger Management. [Michael] Yeah, but you're great now, right? We're all great. Aren't we great? [Jan] We're good. Michael, stop. Please stop that, ok? [Rachel] Can I get anyone anything, or? [Michael] I could go for an appeteaser. [Jan] Martini please. [Michael] Bagel bites or something. [Karen] Rachel, your house is beautiful. [Rachel] Thank you. [Dwight] What's the square footage? [David] About 5,000. [Dwight] Does that include the garage? [Michael] Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate. [Dwight] I'm just... [David] I don't know [Dwight] It's a common question. [Michael] David, how much did this house cost? [Dwight] These old colonials are great, when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around. [Rachel] I'll show you around. [Dwight] Cool, let's start with the banisters. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Hey, do you see that guy behind you in the blue blazer against the wall? [Jim] Yep. [Karen] That's Drake. And just so you know, I don't want to be weird or anything, but we use to date. [Jim] Oh, ok. Cool. Thanks for telling me. [Karen] And it didn't end well. [Jim] Gotcha. Alright. --------------------------------------- [David] This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt scotch. [Michael] Here is to Mr. Iacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [Jan] You ok? [Michael] Yeah. Do you have any ice? [David] Sure. [Michael] How about some Splenda? --------------------------------------- [Roy] One, two, three, up Jenkins! Down Jenkins. Oh, I think I heard the quarter over here. [Kenny] Where? [Roy] On this side. [Kevin] No, it is definitely under one of these hands. [Ryan] I think I heard it on Roy's side. [Kevin] No, it is here. [Ryan] Not here. Not here. Not here. Not here. [Kevin] Good thing you didn't listen to me. [Ryan] Yeah, close one. [Roy] Not here. Not here. It's either here or here. Not here. . [Kenny] YES! [Pam] Nice job. [Roy] I can read you like a book. [Pam] Oh yeah? [Roy] You can't keep anything from me. --------------------------------------- [Student 1] Hey Creed. [Creed] Hey! What are you guys doing here? [Student 2] You're the man buddy. --------------------------------------- [Creed] I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine I swiped from the sheriff's station. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Huh. Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here? . [Rachel] Uh, that's a guest room. [Dwight] Just the one window? [Rachel] Oh. I must get that. You'll have to excuse me. [Dwight] Are those real pearls? [Rachel] Uh, yes. [Dwight] Good. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Well, it was nice meeting you guys. Take care. [Karen] Well, if you're wondering why his wife was staring daggers at me, it's because I kinda saw him for a little bit while they were separated. [Jim] Oh. Hadn't noticed. [Karen] Really? I thought it was so obvious. I'm glad it didn't make you uncomfortable. [Jim] No, it was before I knew you so, its fine. --------------------------------------- [Michael] This one really smells like vanilla. Check that out. [Jan] It's nice. [Michael] You and the misses should join us at Sandals Jamaica next Christmas. [Jan] I, Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family. [Michael] Oh yeah, they don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non gratis... there. But it's fun. It's an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. [Jim] Oh. [Michael] Crazy. [Jan] I'm sorry. You're just going to have to excuse us for just a couple minutes. [Michael] Ok. Excuse me. What's going on? What is it? [Jan] Sorry. Michael, come here. Just, just, just, just. [Michael] What are you doing? [Jan] Don't you know what I'm doing? [Michael] Yes, but you could tell me. What... What is that? Why are you? Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this is where you liked your privacy. [Jan] Shut up. --------------------------------------- [Michael] What has gotten into you? [Jan] Come on. [Michael] No, no, no. [Jan] What? [Michael] Come on, let's go back to the party. [Jan] Just let me loosen my dress. [Michael] Don't take that dress. Stop it, Jan. [Jan] Michael. [Michael] No, no, no, means please don't. Please. [Jan] Slam me up against the wall, right here. [Michael] I'm not going to slam you up against the wall. [Jan] Oh, please. [Michael] You're acting inappropriate. Jan. [Jan] Oh, I'm acting inappropriate? Get out. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Here. [Pam] Hey, where have you been all night? I was looking forward to hanging out with you. [Toby] I was... [Pam] Hey, don't you have a daughter? [Toby] Yes. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair? [Child] I don't know, it was here when I was born. [Dwight] I want one. It's got good solid construction. Comfortable. What is this? Oak? [Child] I don't know. [Dwight] What do you know? --------------------------------------- [David] God, I hate these parties. Do you want to sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You stay here and have fun, because I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace. [Karen] Ok. Oh, um, don't mention that you and I are dating cause I think he might still have feelings for me. [Jim] Wallace? What the hell, have you dated like every guy here? Wow. Ok. You got me. [Karen] I so got you. [Jim] So, none of them? [Karen] Of course not. I mean, you're kind of like, my first. [Jim] Really? [Karen] Oh my God, it's so easy. Fun. [Jim] Ok. [Karen] Hey Jan. [Jan] Not too good. --------------------------------------- [Rachel] Did you get a chance to try Michael's homemade potato salad? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad and I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There is something wrong with Jan. --------------------------------------- [David] What's ah, what's with Jan and Michael? [Jim] I don't know. Where to begin? My ball. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] The chimney is in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation so all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party. --------------------------------------- [Roy] What? [Pam] I want us to make it. I want a fresh start. [Roy] That's awesome. That's what I want. [Pam] Oh ok, but in order for us to make it, there can't be any secrets between us. [Roy] I didn't do anything. Ask anyone, I totally could have and I didn't at all. [Pam] Just listen. Remember that casino night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim. [Roy] What? [Pam] He told me how he felt and I guess I had feelings too, and we kissed. [Roy] Jim came on to you? [Pam] Just listen. [Roy] No, I am listening! That's the problem I am listening! [Pam] Don't yell! [Roy] Don't yell?! [Pam] This is over. [Roy] Yeah, you're right. This is so over. You kidding me, Pam!? Come on! God! [Kenny] Damn jet skis! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle... [Jan] I feel sick. [Michael] You didn't have any of the potato salad did you? [Jan] No, we were good when we were just running around, you know, in secret. It was wrong and it was exciting. Maybe it was a mistake to take it public. [Michael] Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly. [Jan] Please don't cry. [Michael] I'm not going to cry. I feel like it but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million little pieces. [Jan] It was never a love contract, Michael and besides, I have already given a copy to David and it would be just as embarrassing to get it back as I was handing it to him. [Michael] I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling, and the giggling. [Jan] I didn't mean it. I was... [Michael] Whatever. [Jan] Tired. I'm tired. And I didn't eat enough. And, and, that's all. That was it. [Michael] That's all, you didn't mean it? [Jan] That's all. I didn't mean it. That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it. [Michael] I love you, Jan. [Jan] Ok. [Dwight] Don't break up you guys, you're great together. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Are they going to call the cops? [Kenny] No, I paid them off. [Roy] Jet ski money? [Kenny] All of it. [Roy] I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e18", "title": "Cocktails"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Negotiation [Karen] So do you want to see it or not? [Jim] I don't know. Feel like... Friday night crowds... [Karen] Oh my God, you're like, agoraphobic. [Jim] Agoraphobic? [Karen] Yeah. [Jim] Really? [Karen] Yeah! You would rather sit on your couch and watch a Phillies game, than go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend. [Jim] Absolutely correct. [Kevin] Later, Jim. [Jim] Kev, have a good weekend. [Karen] Bye. Ok, so this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna suck it up. [Jim] Here we go... [Karen] ...and we're gonna go to dinner. [Jim] Ok... [Karen] And then we're gonna go to the movies. [Jim] Sounds good. [Roy] Hey Halpert! [Jim] Hey... [Pam] ROY! [Pam] Roy don't! [Roy] Ahh God! [Dwight] Pam, please call security! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Everyday, for eight years, I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees. And everyday, for eight years, people have laughed at me. Well, who's laughing now? --------------------------------------- [Michael] No need for consternation, everything is under control. [Jan] Michael, last Friday one of your employees attacked another employee in your office! [Michael] It was a crime of passion, Jan, not a disgruntled employee. Everyone here is extremely gruntled. [Jan] Is Toby there? [Michael] No... [Toby] I'm... here, Jan. [Jan] Ok, what... what is the situation Toby? [Toby] Well, we fired Roy, obviously. And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company. [Jan] Thank God. [Toby] Yeah, um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with his... [Michael] No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage. [Jan] All right, well are you gonna take care of this? [Michael] Yeppers. [Jan] What did I tell you about "yeppers?" [Michael] I don't... remember. [Jan] I told you not to say it. Do you remember that? [Michael] Yeesh... --------------------------------------- [Jim] I guess... all things considered, I was lucky Dwight was there. And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray. And not the nunchucks or the throwing stars. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey man, I never got a chance to thank you... for stopping Roy. Thank you. [Dwight] Thank you not necessary and thus, not accepted. I saw someone breaking the law and I interceded. [Jim] Okay. Um... Got you something. [Dwight] Don't want it. [Jim] You don't know what it is. [Dwight] Don't want it. Won't open it. Don't need it. Won't take it. Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens. --------------------------------------- [Jim] It was a little glass display case for his for his bobblehead. That would have made us even, I think. He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even Steven. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning, and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the commissioner, and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. --------------------------------------- [Oscar] Angela, Roy's check. He's coming in later to pick it up. [Kevin] Man, I cannot believe I missed the fight. [Oscar] It was crazy. [Angela] You saw it? Describe it please. [Oscar] Well, I heard some shouting. And I look over and Roy's by reception and you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody. Jim says something. Roy stomps over there. All of the sudden, BAM. Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there like an action hero. [Angela] Oh... [Oscar] It was insane! [Angela] Well... good for Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ok I want you to be Darryl and ask me for a raise, because I want to try out some of these negotiation tactics on you. [Jim] Where'd you get that? [Michael] Wikipedia. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Wikipedia... is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Ok, Darryl, ask me for a raise. [Jim] Hey, Mike. Since Roy left I've been doing a lot more work, and I need a raise. [Michael] Hmm, well that's interesting Darryl. I think... that maybe you should... [Jim] I can't hear you. [Michael] What I'm saying is that, [Jim] Still nothin'. [Michael] Ok, see what I did? [Jim] No. [Michael] By leaning back, and by whispering, I established a dominant physical position. [Jim] Nice. [Michael] Ok, let's try another one. Um... [Jim] Okay. [Michael] Walking out of the room unexpectedly. [Jim] And what happens in this one? [Michael] It's a surprise. [Jim] Okay. [Michael] Go ahead, ask me for a raise. [Jim] Can I have a raise? [Jim] s*x, Steve Martin, Terri Hatcher. [Michael] What? [Jim] What? [Michael] No, what did you say? [Jim] I didn't say anything. I was waiting to see what happened. [Michael] Oh it... sounded interesting... what you were gonna... --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I saw the perpetrator advance toward the victim at a high rate of speed. His head was thrown back, his shoulder and arm cocked indicating an attack position. Perp grabbed the victim. I removed my weapon from its secure hiding place. [Toby] Which is where? [Dwight] Irrelevant. Discharged it at a distance of a little over a meter into the perpetrator's eyes, nose, and face area. Rendering him utterly and completely disabled. Then I contacted the authorities. The end. [Toby] Thanks Dwight. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] That is the bravest thing I have ever heard. [Ryan] I can't imagine what I would have done. [Kelly] I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed. [Ryan] Well that was funny, that's why. [Kelly] Oh it was? [Ryan] Mm-hmm. [Kelly] Okay, well the next time that you get scared, that you think a murderer's in your apartment in the middle of the night... [Ryan] Okay. [Kelly] ...and you call me, to calm you down... [Ryan] You know what? I didn't--- [Toby] Can you stop... [Kelly] ...you can just call somebody else 'cause I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not. [Toby] There's a bunch of people back here, maybe... [Ryan] Well, don't talk to me about calling people in the middle of the night... [Toby] Guys... [Kelly] I call you in the middle of the night to tell you that I love you! --------------------------------------- [Toby] I don't think Michael intended to punish me, by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But, if he did intend that? Wow. Genius. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Yeah. [Darryl] You ready for me? [Michael] Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. [Darryl] Cool. [Michael] You know what? Actually, let's go into the conference room. [Darryl] Okay. [Michael] No, you know what? Let's stay here. No let's go... Yeah let's go to the conference room. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Tactic number six. Change the location of the meeting at the last second. Totally throws 'em off. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Number 14, declining to speak first. Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am declining to speak first. [Darryl] Okay, I'll start. It's pretty simple really. I uh, I think I deserve a raise. I'm scheduled to get one in six months, but I'd like that to be moved up to now. [Michael] Hmm. Ohh, Darryl. You are a good worker, and a good man. I just, you know, times are tight. And I just don't think corporate is going to go for this right now. [Darryl] Are you wearin' lady clothes? [Michael] What? [Darryl] Are you wearin' lady clothes? Those look like lady... pants. [Michael] No, this is a power suit. [Darryl] That there's a woman's suit. [Michael] I do not buy woman's clothes. I would not make that mistake again. [Darryl] I'ma call Roy, man. [Michael] Ohh... kay. [Darryl] This is gonna make him feel better. [Michael] All right. [Darryl] This is too good. [Michael] Alright, you know what? Pam, could you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit? [Pam] Oh my God, that's a woman's suit! [Kevin] You're wearing a woman's suit? [Michael] No, I do, I, I wear men's suits, OK? I got this out of a bin. --------------------------------------- [Michael] There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don't think that this is totally just a woman's suit. At the very least it's bisexual. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Who makes it? [Michael] Uh, MISSterious. And it is mysterious because the buttons are on the wrong side... that's the mystery. [Phyllis] Look, it's got shoulderpads, and did you see that lining? [Michael] Okay. [Phyllis] Did you see... [Michael] Would you stop it, please? [Jim] So, none of that tipped you off? [Michael] It's European, OK? It's a European cut. [Pam] Michael, the pants don't have any pockets. [Michael] No, they don't. See? [Michael] Italians don't wear pockets. --------------------------------------- [Pam] It's been a really rough couple of days... This helps a little. --------------------------------------- [Karen] Hey, maybe you want to come over and raid my closet? [Michael] No, I don't want to do that because I'm twice your size anyway. [Darryl] Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton. [Michael] Um, let's just do this in 15 minutes. [Darryl] Okay, can you just stand right there? I gotta send some e-mails. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver's seat. And make one tiny mistake, you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman's clothes. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Karen, how do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman? [Karen] I feel great, Kevin. Thank you. [Stanley] You must have been scared out of your mind. [Karen] Well, you know it happened so fast I didn't really have time to be scared. [Angela] What happened, exactly? I wasn't here, so I haven't really heard the whole story. [Karen] Um, well, Jim and I were talking and Roy walked in looking super angry. [Angela] Mm-hmm. [Karen] And he's a big dude, you know? And all of a sudden, Jim pushed me out of the way, and Roy cocked his fist, and then bam, Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt. [Angela] Goodness. --------------------------------------- [Karen] When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Let's get down to business. Why don't you tell me why you think you deserve a raise. [Darryl] Well, it's simple Mike. I mean we merged these two branches right? So now we're shipping twice as many orders as we used to. With Roy gone we got a smaller crew. And I'm pickin' up all of his slack, so I think I should be compensated fairly, by gettin' a raise. [Darryl] What? I can't hear you. [Michael] That was a very good point. [Darryl] I can't--- what, Mike? Are you--- [Michael] You make a very compelling argument. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Sorry I almost got you killed. [Jim] Yeah, that was nuts. [Pam] He could have broken your nose or something. Crazy. It's just so stupid. I mean, getting back with Roy and everything. I mean, what was I thinking, right? [Jim] No, I mean, you guys really seem to have a strong connection. [Pam] Not anymore. It's, um... It's completely over now. [Jim] We'll see. I'm sure you guys will... find you way back to one another someday. [Pam] Jim... I am really... sorry. [Jim] Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I am going to give you a piece of paper. I want you to write down how much you want, and I want you to slide it back across the desk to me. [Darryl] Why can't I just... tell you? [Michael] Because, that is the way these things are done. In... films. No, slide--- slide it, yes. [Darryl] There you go. [Michael] Oh. Come on. Be serious. [Darryl] I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise. That's what I want. [Michael] I... I can't give you that, I--- I don't make this much. [Darryl] Come on, be for real Mike. [Michael] I don't. Want me to prove it to you? There is... a pay stub. [Darryl] Are you serious? You're earning this? [Michael] Plus perks, yes. [Darryl] Mike, this is barely more than I make. You been here ten years, dog. [Michael] Fourteen years. [Darryl] Ho-ho! [Michael] No, please, please... [Darryl] Oh, I'm sorry Mike, some of my folks got to hear about this one. Ah. [Michael] Ok, let's take 15, again. --------------------------------------- [Michael] A boss's salary isn't just about money, it is about perks. It... for example, every year I get a $100 gas card... Can't put a price tag on that. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Ok, if you don't want a gift, at least let me buy you a beer, or lunch or something. [Dwight] When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer? [Jim] Boy I--- [Dwight] No. And why are you so interested in buying me something Jim, what's your angle? --------------------------------------- [Jim] It's like when he annoys me and I want to screw with him to get him back, he never sees it coming. But now, I want to be nice to him, and actually give him something, and he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him. It's infuriating. [Karen] Maybe you just feel guilty about all the pranks. [Jim] Well... yes, that's probably what it is. So what do I do? [Karen] Hmm... I don't know. Maybe you should go back out there and sell paper so we can go on a trip. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Michael, here's the, uh, $15 I owe you. [Michael] Oh, thank you. [Kevin] Yeah. I heard you might need it. So... [Creed] Here's the $40 you gave me. [Michael] I didn't give you $40. [Creed] In a way you did. --------------------------------------- [Stanley] Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes. I still think he's way overpaid. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Fourteen years. Fourteen. I know. Ok, alright. I gotta go. Later. [Michael] Okay. Okay, here's the straight... dope. No tricks. No Wikipedia. [Darryl] What? [Michael] I talked to corporate, and they told me that I can only give you a 5% raise. [Darryl] That's 'cause of you, Mike. They're not gonna give the workin' man more than the boss. [Michael] Well what am I supposed to do? [Darryl] Get your own raise. You gotta get out there and earn, son. [Michael] I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now. That is ridiculous. [Michael] That's true. [Darryl] Yeah that's true. You gotta call your girl, and get paid. Show her who wears the pants in the relationship. [Michael] You know what? I should. [Darryl] Yeah, you should. [Michael] I have been a loyal employee for a long time. [Darryl] Fourteen years long. [Michael] You know what? I deserve a bump. [Darryl] Make it happen, cap'in. [Michael] I am makin' it happen, sergeant. --------------------------------------- [Creed] I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11:30. Big fella comes in screamin' about God knows what. I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car. Something like that. So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels. Then Schrute grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter--- [Angela] You're useless. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Why don't we talk next month, after the quarter ends? [Michael] No, Jan. I've never asked for a raise in 14 years. This is long overdue. I wanna do it today. [Jan] Today. All right, well, uh, if you want to do it today, we should meet in person, and uh, can you get here by five? [Michael] Yshhyah. Um, yeah. I'll leave right away. [Jan] Great. Uh, and listen. Because of our, uh, our... you know, situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present. [Michael] Yes, I'm bringing Darryl. [Jan] Da--- Darryl from the warehouse? [Michael] Mm-hm. [Jan] No, Michael. We, we need an HR rep. So, uh, I think you should just bring Toby. [Michael] Hey, I'd rather kill myself. [Jan] Michael, he's your branch's HR rep... [Michael] No, Toby is terrible. Toby is the worst human being I've ever known. [Jan] ...and we need someone else, in the room, because of our relationship. You know this. Michael, either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it. [Michael] Fine. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] You are so mean. [Ryan] I don't know what you're talking about. [Kelly] Yes you do, Ryan Bailey Howard. You called me stupid. [Ryan] No, I said your idea was stupid. [Michael] Toby, come on. Let's go. [Toby] Where? [Michael] Where? I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer. Come on, let's go. [Kelly] What is so stupid about wanting to name a baby Usher? [Toby] Alright. [Kelly] Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. [Ryan] Don't you see why that's insane? [Kelly] Oh, so I'm crazy now? --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Comfortable, Mike? [Michael] Yeah. Fine. [Darryl] How about you, man. Comfortable? [Toby] No. [Darryl] Thank you. [Michael] Well... [Darryl] I haven't been to New York in a long time. [Michael] Mm, the Big Apple. [Darryl] Maybe I'll stay overnight. Got a cousin lives down there. [Toby] How would we get home? [Darryl] Oh you could stay too. He's got a big place. [Michael] Maybe I'll stay. [Darryl] Mm, it's not that big. [Michael] Well... [Darryl] Busses, though. They get you home quick. [Michael] Oh, I... --------------------------------------- [Kelly] And all of a sudden, Dwight stood up and was like "No!" [Angela] Then what'd he do? [Kelly] You should just read the report that Toby did. He took everyone's stories. Dunder Mifflin, customer service, this is Kelly. Oh yeah I could totally help you with that. Ok, let me just get the folder out. Okay, it seems here that you ordered 12,000 reams of paper. Oh, 12 reams... --------------------------------------- [Hunter] Hey guys, Jan is ready for you. [Darryl] Okay, bring it home now. And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you. [Michael] Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity. [Darryl] Yes sir. Remember that. I'll be right outside if you need me [Michael] All right. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] Yeah, I taught Mike some new phrases. I want him to get the raise, I... just can't help myself. --------------------------------------- [Roy] Hey man, uh... I'm sorry. Thanks. Can I, like, see you after work for coffee, or... something? [Pam] I don't know. [Roy] Please. I just got some stuff I gotta say to you. [Kevin] Jim--- Roy--- Look out! [Jim] Thanks, Kev. I'm good though. --------------------------------------- [Jan] Thank you, Hunter. Hello. Come in. Ah, Okay. [Michael] Who's the boy toy? [Jan] That's my new assistant. [Michael] Were you going to tell me that you hired James Van Der Beek? [Jan] I have to call you the second I get a new assistant? [Michael] Be nice to get a memo, we are lovers. [Toby] Hi, Jan. [Jan] Hi, Toby. First--- First off, Michael, this is a salary negotiation. All matters regarding our personal relationship have to be set aside. Are we clear? [Michael] Pippity poppity. [Jan] Right now we can offer you a 6% raise. [Michael] Six percent? After all we've been through? [Jan] Oh, God. [Michael] I got you... jade earrings. [Jan] Michael--- [Michael] No! [Jan] Michael--- [Michael] No. You gonna play it like this? You give me a good raise, or no more s*x. What are you writing, perv-ball? [Toby] Just preparing for the deposition. --------------------------------------- [Toby] This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold s*x from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial. --------------------------------------- [Roy] I'm so sorry, Pammy. I really wasn't gonna do anything. But then I... kept thinkin' about you two together, and... I just thought you guys were really good friends, or... or maybe he was gay or somethin'... Not that that's wrong. [Pam] I'm sorry too. I just, I think that we both made some bad choices. [Roy] So you gonna start datin' Halpert then? [Pam] Um... no. No, he has a girlfriend. [Roy] Oh yeah... Wait a minute, you... broke off our wedding for the guy. [Pam] No, there were a lot of reasons. [Roy] But you're not even gonna try to go out with him? I don't get you Pam. [Pam] I know. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] What's this? [Jim] What's what? [Dwight] Certificate of Bravery, from the Scranton Police Department. "Recognizing outstanding citizenship from a very brave young man. Dwight K. Schrute" [Jim] Wow. I guess word got around. That's a nice... honor. [Dwight] Please. They hand these out to little kids. Look. There's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap. [Jim] Didn't think you'd notice... --------------------------------------- [Michael] Why don't you just take that pen and stab me in the heart. This is me, Jan. This is me! [Jan] Okay, Michael. Please, why don't we just take a break. This is really going nowhere. [Michael] Okay, no, no, no, no. You do not try tactic number eight on me. I invented tactic number eight. I'm not going anywhere. [Jan] Ok, Toby, how about if you... [Toby] Sure. [Jan] Great. --------------------------------------- [Jan] What's wrong with you? [Michael] Ohh. It was a weird day. I accidentally cross-dressed. And then Darryl made me feel bad for not making any money. And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby. And then, your assistant, is all young and hot. And I--- [Jan] Okay, Michael. I can offer you a 12% raise, but you have got to ask for 15. [Michael] Well that's ridiculous I'm not gonna make--- [Jan] No, just... I just need you to ask for it, so I can record that you asked for it. Okay? [Michael] Ah, so... All right, Levinson. Here's the rub. I would like a 15% raise. [Jan] No. But we can offer you 12. [Michael] But you just said 15. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Negotiation is an art. Back and forth. Give and take. And today, both Darryl and I took something. Higher salaries. Win win win. But you know, life is about more... than just salaries. It's about perks. Like having s*x with Jan-- [Jan] Michael! --------------------------------------- [Stanley] So you and Bob are looking at a historical house? [Phyllis] Mm-hmm, near the river. [Stanley] Mm, how many bedrooms? [Phyllis] Four. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Dwight. Dwight. I've been doing some very interesting reading. [Dwight] Really? [Angela] Mm-hmm. Tales of bravery. [Dwight] Mm, good stuff. [Angela] Mm-hmm. I was thinking tonight, we could... read it together. [Dwight] Sounds... fun. --------------------------------------- [Jim] I... will never say a word. And now, we are even. --------------------------------------- [Andy] I graduated from anger management the same way I graduated from Cornell. On time. Now I'm back. Got a second chance, and I'm not gonna blow it. So look out Dunder Mifflin! I mean, look out... in a fun way! You know, not like, I'm gonna hurt you... --------------------------------------- [Andy] Hey guys! Guess who's back! AHHH! OH, GOD! [Dwight] No need to thank me.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e19", "title": "The Negotiation"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - The Convention [Michael] Pam? [Pam] Yeah? [Michael] Did you see Oprah yesterday? [Pam] No, I didn't. [Michael] I, uh... I am going to be a father. [Pam] What was Oprah about? [Michael] Angelina Jolie was on. And she adopted a baby from Asia, and she said that it changed her life. And that really inspired me. So, I want you to look into seeing how much a little Chinese baby would cost. [Pam] That's a really big decision. [Michael] I know. [Pam] Maybe you should wait before you adopt. [Michael] Well... [Pam] Or not adopt. [Michael] Just do it, okay? [Pam] Roy's sister looked into it, and the application alone costs a thousand dollars. [Michael] Um... find out if there's a cheaper, less expensive baby out there, okay? [Pam] You know, she also said the waiting list is like eight months. [Michael] Eight months? [Pam] Yeah. [Michael] I don't even know if I'll want a baby in eight months. [Pam] You probably won't. [Michael] You know what, Pam? If in ten years, I haven't had a baby, and you haven't had a baby... [Pam] No, Michael. [Michael] Twenty years. [Pam] No, Michael. [Michael] Thirty. [Pam] Sure. [Michael] It's a deal. --------------------------------------- [Ryan] All right. Three pairs of pants. Three pairs of socks. Three packs of condoms. [Michael] Yesh. [Ryan] Uh, fun jeans. [Michael] Right there. Ah. [Angela] Sign. [Michael] Per diem. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Guess where I am going. I will give you a hint. It is a booze-fueled s*x romp, where anything goes. You are correct, sir! I am headed to Philadelphia for the Annual Northeastern Mid-Market Office Supply Convention. And Jim Halpert is going to be coming, which will be fun. Poor little guy. He's been stuck working under Josh, the poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Don't be mad, it is a business trip. [Angela] But I don't understand. It's for managers. [Dwight] Monkey, I am an A. R. M., Assistant Regional Manager. [Angela] I know! It... I was just really hoping we could spend some time together. Are you still there? [Dwight] Yes, Monkey. [Angela] Don't "Monkey" me! You can't wait to get out of here, A. R. M. --------------------------------------- [Angela] In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "check out the slut." What is... why are there flies in here? --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Oh my God! Are you so excited for tonight? I am so excited. You guys are going to click, I can feel it. So what are you wearing? [Pam] This. [Kelly] You look so pretty. [Pam] Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Yes, I have a date. He's a cartoonist for the local paper, which is really neat, because I like to draw too. I'm kind of nervous. I haven't been on a first date in nine years... probably shouldn't broadcast that. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Well, remember, no matter how much you may want to, do not sleep with him on the first date. It gives him all the power. [Michael] Sleep with who? Whom, whom... whom? [Kelly] My neighbor Alan. They're going on a date tonight. [Michael] Oh, wow! Oh my God, I have a great idea. You know what you should do to be hilarious? Wear your wedding dress. It would be a great icebreaker. [Dwight] And your veil. [Michael] Yeah, do it! [Pam] I'll probably just wear this. [Michael] Really? Okay. Well, word of advice: unbutton that top button. Let those things breathe. Any message you want me to relate to Jim? [Pam] Um... [Michael] Um. Okay, um. [Dwight] Um. [Michael] You got that? [Dwight] I got it. [Michael] Write it down. [Dwight] I got it. [Dwight] Um. [Michael] Um. [Dwight and Michael] Um, um, um... --------------------------------------- [Creed] There's my girl. I noticed you handing out some shekels. How would one get on that train? [Angela] That was for per diem, for Philadelphia. [Meredith] That town smells like cheese steaks. [Angela] That town is full of history! [Creed] Andrea's the office bitch. You'll get used to her. Creed. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Can I have my neck pillow back? Michael! Can I have my neck pillow back? --------------------------------------- [Josh] Hey, Michael. [Michael] Hey, Josh, how ya doing? [Josh] Pretty good. [Michael] Good to see you. There he is! There's the traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Come here, you. Come here! Yeah! The product... the progidal... my son returns. --------------------------------------- [Michael] I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like the firemen. You don't leave your brothers behind, even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut. --------------------------------------- [Jim] It's really good to see you, man. [Michael] Yeah! Wow, I didn't expect that. It's good to see you too! [Dwight] Oh, hey, how's it going up there? Have you made any sales yet? [Jim] Yeah, sold about forty thousand. [Michael] Hey! [Dwight] Shut up. That's impossible. [Jim] No, it's not. I did. Yep. [Dwight] Well, I did it too. --------------------------------------- [Jim] You know, when I saw Dwight, I realized how stupid and petty all those pranks I pulled on him were. And then he spoke. I wonder how hard it would be to get a copy of his room key. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] So did you hear? [Toby] What? [Kevin] Pam's back on the market again. [Toby] Really? She's dating? [Kevin] If I weren't engaged, I would so hit that. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So what kind of commissions you get up there? [Jim] Oh, Dwight. I've missed you so much. [Dwight] You're so immature! --------------------------------------- [Josh] Listen, Michael, I heard you were a great salesman. [Michael] Ah. [Josh] And I just want to let you know that if our branch absorbs your branch, I'm going to look for a place for you at Stamford. [Jan] Oh, hey! [Dwight] Hey, Jan. [Jan] We all checked in? [Josh] Yes. [Jan] Great, let's dump our stuff and meet back here in half an hour. [Josh] Okay. [Jan] Okay! [Michael] Jan? Look, I think we need to set some ground rules. [Jan] What are you talking about? [Michael] The eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. Carol. I'm still dating her, so nothing can happen between us at the convention. [Jan] Step away from me, Michael. [Michael] Thank you for being so brave with all of this. Thank you. --------------------------------------- [Kelly] Alan's cartoon is so funny, right? [Pam] Mm-hmm. [Kelly] And they're, like, so smart. I don't even know what they mean half the time. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] This party is going to be awesome. [Michael] I know! That is specifically why I chose a room close to the elevator. More foot traffic. [Dwight] Check it out. [Michael] That is crooked on that side. [Dwight] Wow. [Michael] Hey hey! [Jim] That is a lot of liquor. [Michael] Yeah. [Jim] And a dart board. [Michael] Well, that's how we do it in Scranton. Or did you forget? There ain't no party like a Scranton party, 'cause a Scranton party don't stop. [Josh] We should probably head on down and hook up with Jan. [Michael] Hey, well, we have time! One for the road, gentlemen? [Josh] A shot of MIDORI, perhaps. [Jim] Oh, no, sorry, it's an inside joke. There's this bartender at Stamford who, uh... you know what? You'd just have to be there. [Michael] Wish I was. I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday. [Josh] Um, we should... [Jim] Yeah. [Michael] All right, see you guys down there. Change your mind, come back up. [Dwight] I'll do a shot, Michael. [Michael] Ugh, that would be gross. It's not even lunch yet. --------------------------------------- [Michael] SWAG! Stuff we all get. I basically decorated my condo for free with all of my SWAG. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Check it out. Hi, I'm Michael Scott, Dunder-Mifflin. [Dwight] Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager, Dunder-Mifflin. [Jerome Bettis] All right. [Dwight] I'm a huge fan. [Jerome Bettis] Thanks. I appreciate it, guys. [Michael] You know what? I'm having a huge blowout tonight, Room 308. Hope you can come. [Jerome Bettis] All right, maybe. If I can. [Michael] Well, cool! Okay, so... can I tell people you're gonna be there? [Jerome Bettis] No, you cannot. [Michael] So maybe. See ya. [Dwight] Why do they call him The Bus? [Michael] Because he's afraid to fly. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Smile! [Michael] Do you remember me from last year? There's a party in my room, 308, can't miss it, right off the elevator. Tonight. Be there! --------------------------------------- [Josh] All right, Jan just emailed me. She wants us to meet her up front. [Michael] Yep. Yeah, she's up front. [Dwight] You don't have email on your phone. [Michael] I don't have to, I just know. Yes, hello? [Dwight] No one just called you. [Josh] All right. [Jim] All right, nice meeting you, Ted. Take care. [Ted] I'll see you soon. [Josh] Yeah, stop by later. [Michael] See you in a bit. Bye-bye. May I have a moment of your time please? --------------------------------------- [Michael] I need you to do something for me. [Dwight] Yes. Anything. [Michael] I want you to dig up some dirt on Josh. Find out if there are any skeletons in his attic. [Dwight] I'll talk to my buddy down at the station, stat. --------------------------------------- [Toby] Hey, Pam. [Pam] Hey! What's up? [Toby] It's, uh... I was... might ask if you wanted... [Pam] Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. He's not in the office. Can I take a message? I will. You too. Sorry. What's up? [Toby] Um, if, uh... um... I just completely forgot what I was going to say. It's so weird. [Pam] Okay. Well, if you think of it, I'll be here. [Toby] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] So I called my buddy down at the station today. Had them run a background check on Josh Porter. See if there's any known aliases, et cetera. [Michael] And? [Dwight] He wasn't volunteering today. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Business has been pretty crazy around the office. [Jim] Oh yeah? [Michael] Yeah. Moved Ryan over to your desk. [Jim] Oh, tell him I say hi. [Michael] I will call him later with that message. [Jim] Hey, how is... Toby? [Michael] Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry. Is he why you left? [Jim] Oh, no, it was... you know, a good opportunity for me, a promotion. I got a chance to... [Michael] Opportunity, promotion, blah, blah. You know, Jim, those are just words. Have you taken into account other factors, vis-a-vis bosses? Is Josh funnier than I am? Does he even have a girlfriend? Because I have two, basically. [Jim] Michael, it's really not a competition. --------------------------------------- [Josh] Jim got us a great lead with a new rep from National Envelope. We can grab lunch with them tomorrow. [Jan] Great! [Michael] Hey, Jan, Jan? Don't worry, I have got the tip. [Dwight] Whoa. Michael. [Waiter] Wow, oh my God, thank you. [Michael] You're welcome. [Dwight] Was that your per diem? [Michael] No, that was a different hundred dollar bill. [Jan] What have you generated, Michael? [Michael] I have generated a lot of interest in my party this evening. [Jan] What party? [Michael] The party I'm having tonight in 308. Obviously, you are invited. [Jan] Michael, um... Jim and Josh are in meetings all day. And I am in and out of meetings. I can't stay on top of you 24/7. --------------------------------------- [Phyllis] You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it. [Stanley] If you do that, you're going to have to put out. [Phyllis] Oh, yeah. You'll have to put out. --------------------------------------- [Angela] Is there a key for Jane Doe? Thank you. [Michael] Any messages for 308? All right. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey hey, fellers. [Jim] Michael. [Dwight] Hey, Michael. [Michael] What's up? [Josh] Well, Jim and I have a meeting with Uni-ball in about forty-five minutes, so we should probably go now. [Michael] Hey, check this out. How about that? A little friendly competition. Stamford versus Scranton. [Josh] I don't think so. [Michael] Oh, Jim. Looks like you picked a bad time to defect, my friend. [Josh] Fine! All right. [Michael] Okay! Excellent. Oh... [Dwight] Keep the wing flaps. [Michael] Shut it. Hey, Pam, what's up? Yep, yech... no. Tell him I will give him general specifics tomorrow, okay? Yes. Say hi to Pam! [Jim, Josh, and Dwight] Hi, Pam. [Michael] Yes. That is Josh and Dwight and Jim. Pam says hi. Have fun on your date! Very good, talk to you later. Bye. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You first. [Dwight] Come on. Nice try, Josh! [Michael] Not. It hit the rim. Okay, and... okay. Double or nothing. [Josh] Or what? We didn't bet anything, Michael. [Michael] Well, let's... [Josh] Yeah, we should go. [Michael] Come on! [Josh] We gotta go. [Michael] Come on! [Josh] Uh... we'll do it later. [Evan] Say, while I have you here, could I talk to you about some new and exciting advances to our product line? [Michael] Fine. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Jim and I have different definitions of friendship. I think it's talking and being friends, and Jim thinks it's moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh. Well, phooey on that. I, uh, I'm done. I am not going to be speaking with him anymore. Whatevs. Long-distance relationships never work. [Evan] That is so true. Ready? [Michael] Okay, let me tell you what we're looking for. [Evan] Great. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Sorry, my meeting ran late. [Jan] Really? [Michael] Yes, Jan, really. With a rep from HammerMill. [Josh] They're exclusive with Staples. [Michael] Used to be. Evan will call you in the morning to work out the details. We can now sell HammerMill products. [Dwight] Yes! Ha! [Jan] Well, Michael, I underestimated you. [Michael] Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Dwight's room key. And... Dwight's room. What can I say? Old habits die hard. [Angela] D? [Jim] Oh my God. Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call... well, I gotta call somebody, I don't even know who to call. Dwight got a hooker! --------------------------------------- [Kelly] So, Alan, Pam is obsessed with your cartoons. She reads them every day. [Alan] Oh, great. [Ryan] I don't want ketchup. [Kelly] You love ketchup! He loves ketchup. [Pam] So how do you come up with your cartoons? [Alan] Well, I just, uh... I kinda think about stuff that I see, or dream them. [Pam] You dream in cartoons? How fun! --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hey, first guest! You are going to have some tequila, my friend. [Guy] I thought there was a party in here. [Michael] This is the party. [Guy] This is room 308? [Michael] Party central! So, what can I do you for? All right. --------------------------------------- [Alan] See, this one is great, because it can work on a couple of different levels. [Pam] Huh. [Alan] Freedom fries for the table. [Pam] Freedom fries. Yeah. [Alan] Yeah. I mean, people always say, like, "Don't be edgy." But I don't know any other way. Yeah, you get it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Well, it was, uh, it was really nice meeting you, Alan. [Alan] Yeah. Next time bring some of your illustrations, I'll let you pick my brain. [Pam] More freedom fries. [Alan] Yeah. [Pam] That's great. [Alan] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I went on a date. It wasn't a love connection, um... I think when I like someone again, I'll just kinda know. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Michael. Am I the first to arrive? [Michael] People have been filtering in and out. [Jim] Can I get a drink? [Michael] What? [Jim] Can I get a drink? [Michael] Sure. You like Cosmos? [Jim] Yeah. [Michael] Sure, sounds good. So why are you here? Is Josh busy? [Jim] Michael... [Michael] I get it! No, no, I totally get it. He made a better paper airplane, Stamford is better in sales... I get it. We had some fun. We had some laughs. And that's just... [Jim] Wait, wait. I didn't transfer because of you. You're a good boss. You're a great boss. [Michael] I'm not better than Josh. [Jim] Michael, it's not about... I transferred because of Pam. [Michael] Oh my God. You don't even know. She's single now. [Jim] No, I just... I heard something about that. It's just, I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice. [Michael] I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Hey, you know what? I will talk to her. [Jim] Nope, that's okay. [Michael] Yeah. [Jim] That's all right. [Michael] I will. I'll talk to her. You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling. [Jim] Yeah. Okay, maybe. [Evan] Are we early? [Michael] Hey! No, you know, people have been filtering in and out. [Jim] Hey. [Michael] Evan, this is Jim. [Jim] How are you? [Evan] Hey, uh... Arnie Reisman. Michael, Jim. [Michael] Hey, Ernie, how ya doing? [Evan] Do you guys work together? [Jim] No, we used to. Now we're friends. [Michael] Best friends. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Some people need dozens of friends to say, "Hey, look at me, I'm popular." But not me. I'm very picky. I need three, maybe two. When you meet that someone special, you'll just know. Because a real relationship, it... it can't be forced. It should just come about effortlessly. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Now, would you do the pleasure of hitting the lights, sir? Ha, ha, ha. [Dwight] Ha, ha, ha, ha. [Michael] Whoa. What are those stains? [Dwight] Blood, urine, or semen. [Michael] Oh, God, I hope it's urine.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e02", "title": "The Convention"}

office/nasirkhalid24

The Office - Safety Training [Andy] Good morning, Pam. [Pam] Oh, welcome back, Andy. [Andy] Drew. I'm Drew now. [Pam] Oh. Drew. Sorry. [Andy] Apology not... accepted. Because it wasn't even necessary in the first place. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Several weeks ago, Andy Bernard had an incident. But after five weeks in Anger Management, I'm back. And I've got a new attitude. And a new name. And... a bunch of new techniques for dealing with the grumpies. --------------------------------------- [Andy] Mornin' Jim. [Jim] Hey, Andy. How are you, man? [Andy] Good. Drew. [Jim] What's that? [Andy] Dr--- You can call me Drew. [Jim] No, I'm not gonna call you that. [Jim] Andy. [Andy] Drew. Dwight. How's it goin' man? --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Yes, I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday... for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned. [Jim] Andy, Dwight says welcome back, and he could use a hug. [Dwight] Ok, tell him that's not true. [Jim] Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks. [Andy] You guys... [Dwight] Ok, no. Jim, tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim! Tell him! [Jim] Andy! Nah, that's too far. [Dwight] Damn you. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Today is Safety Training Day. Toby is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Darryl's presentation to the warehouse. And if I know Darryl, it gonna be zoppity. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Hmm. [Darryl] Should you drive the forklift? [Michael] I can, and I have. [Lonny] You're not allowed to drive the forklift. [Darryl] It's not safe, you don't have a license. [Michael] Guys, I'm not the only one who's driven the forklift. Pudge has driven the forklift. [Madge] Madge. [Michael] I thought your name was Pudge? [Madge] No, it's always been Madge. [Michael] Okay. Um, her. [Darryl] Her. Yes, "her" is qualified to work a dangerous machine. You are not. Okay? [Michael] Ah, fine. [Darryl] Do you understand that? [Michael] Yeeesh. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled... --------------------------------------- [Michael] "Hey Darryl, how's it hangin'?!" --------------------------------------- [Darryl] And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my workers. --------------------------------------- [Darryl] The baler can flatten a car engine. It can cut off your arm and crush your entire body without skipping a beat. [Dwight] Yeah! [Andy] It's on! [Darryl] How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler? [Michael] Bail'er? I hardly know her. [Lonny] Dammit, Michael. Pay attention, man. [Darryl] Anybody wanna take a guess? Anybody? [Kevin] Five bucks says it's over 50. [Jim] You really wanna bet? [Darryl] Anybody? [Kevin] Ever since March Madness ended, I am so bored. [Guy] How many? [Jim] Ok, you're on. [Darryl] Ten people, Michael. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them? [Kevin] Damn... [Darryl] You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful... [Jim] No, don't worry about it. We'll just got double or nothin'. [Kevin] On what? [Jim] I don't know, we'll figure somethin' out. [Kevin] Nice. [Oscar] What are you guys talkin' about? [Michael] Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody... [Darry] It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so. [Michael] It's a big red trash compactor! [Lonny] What are you--- [Darryl] It's not a trash compactor! It's a baler! [Lonny] Don't disrespect the baler! [Michael] Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions... [Darryl] No do not touch it! [Michael] ...would I go near--- [Darryl] There is no occasion for you to go near this stuff, okay? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Toby now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Darryl. Here we go! [Toby] Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from typing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour. [Michael] Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and... [Toby] Um, yeah. You're computer screen can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour. [Michael] Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour? [Darryl] Take them at the same time. [Michael] Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. Like sometimes computers can explode, can they not? [Toby] No, no. Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty. [Ryan] What about a long sleeve T? [Toby] Well, that'll work. [Kevin] Long johns? A shaw? [Toby] You know, anything that warms you. [Michael] Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. Sorry, he is very lame. Um, let's see. "Seasonal affective disorder! A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter." [Darryl] Thank God we only had a baler to deal with. [Lonny] Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it? [Michael] Ok guys, you know what? I didn't--- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation. [Darryl] Actually, you did. [Michael] Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for office workers is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute---" [Toby] Sedentary. [Michael] Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people that balers. [Lonny] That's called having a fat butt, Michael. [Michael] Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary... [Lonny] Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? [Michael] No. [Lonny] Fat butt disease, Michael? [Kelly] Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds. [Lonny] Yeah? I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you? [Kelly] Ryan? [Lonny] Dude, tell your girl to shut up. [Kelly] What?! [Ryan] Kelly, you insulted the gentleman. Please apologize. [Kelly] Are you kidding me? [Darryl] Alright, we outta here. [Michael] Darryl, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I--- [Lonny] Yeah, but ours was real, Michael. [Darryl] That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mike. It's serious down there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it. [Michael] Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore? --------------------------------------- [Michael] Darryl thinks he is such a man because he works in a warehouse. I worked in a warehouse. Men's Warehouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. Probably make 'em feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Warehouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." ... This is one example. --------------------------------------- [Kevin] Ten. [Oscar] Really, ten? That's your guess? You're a professional accountant. [Jim] There's like ten green ones. [Oscar] Forty-two. [Jim] I'm gonna say fifty. [Karen] Fifty-one. [Jim] Oh, don't be that person. [Kevin] That is lame. [Karen] It's a strategy! [Pam] It's called being smart. [Karen] Thank you. [Kevin] Oh, geeze. --------------------------------------- [Pam] I don't know how the whole betting thing started, but it's fun. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Ten... [Jim] Kev's out. [Kevin] Damn it. [Pam] 47, 48, 49! Jim wins! [Everyone] Oooh! [Jim] Okay, okay. [Jim] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Michael] Pam, depression is as scary as a baler, right? [Pam] I don't understand the question. [Michael] Working in an office can lead to depression. Which can lead to suicide. I mean this is really serious stuff. [Pam] Yeah... [Michael] I--- I--- Nobody commits suicide because they work with a baler, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that... [Pam] It's really hard to demonstrate depression. Their safety training had visuals. [Michael] Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science. [Pam] So, you're okay? [Michael] Indubitably. --------------------------------------- [Michael] They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes. [Dwight] Idiots! God, what are we gonna do!? [Michael] I don't know, I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Depression--- [Dwight] Wolves. [Michael] Nn--- Depression. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Visual aids. [Michael] Yes. [Dwight] A quilt. Depression quilt? [Micheal] No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store. --------------------------------------- [Michael] You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Dwight, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Michael? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of depression. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a suicide?" And I jump. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of depression with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Michael." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da! --------------------------------------- [Ryan] I guess I forgot. [Kelly] You're such a ditz. [Kevin] Ryan, well done. Two minutes, forty-two seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win ten because she said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim, you win five because she mentioned six romantic comedies. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Okay, let's do this thing! I'll go summon the troops! [Michael] Maybe we should test it first. Letterman-style. Throw a TV over, or... [Dwight] We measured it once... [Michael] Go buy some watermelons. [Dwight] Seedless? [Michael] Just... --------------------------------------- [Toby] Creed is eating an apple. I found a potato. [Pam] Hey Creed. [Creed] Hey! [Pam] Hey. [Creed] Hello. [Pam] Yes! [Kevin] Here you go. [Toby] Nice. --------------------------------------- [Karen] I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Ready? [Michael] Let's do it! Drop that sucker. [Michael] BINGO! WHOA WHOA WHOA! Oh... crap. Deactivate the car alarm. Clean up the mess. [Dwight] Okay. [Michael] Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes. [Dwight] Got it. [Michael] Also, take apart the trampoline, stick it in the baler. [Dwight] We're not allowed to use the baler. [Michael] Have Pa--adge do it, or... the sea monster. [Dwight] I'm on it! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] I'm temporarily lifting the shun. [Andy] Thank you. [Dwight] It means nothing. I need you to do something for me. [Andy] Anything. [Dwight] Okay, calm down. I need you to acquire an inflatable house, and/or castle. [Andy] You mean a moon bounce. [Dwight] What do you think? You've got an hour. [Andy] I'm gonna need... I'm gonna need petty cash. [Dwight] Shunning resumed. [Andy] Do you, do you want a drawbridge? [Dwight] Un-shun. Yeah that sounds good. Re-shun. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Oh yeah, this is much better. Safer. Excellent decision. [Michael] Yes, thank you for seeing that. [Dwight] When you land, try and land like an eight year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults. [Michael] I don't know if I wanna do this. [Dwight] Do you wanna do another test? I got plenty of watermelons in my trunk! [Michael] No. No more. The tests are going terrible. If we keep doing it, we're not gonna want to jump. This is about doing, not thinking. [Dwight] That's right! Doing! Totally doing! It's rock n' roll! [Michael] Rock n' roll! [Dwight] Yeah! [Michael] That's right! I am not thinking. [Dwight] Near near near near near! [Michael] Yes! Yeah! [Dwight] Michael is awesome! Jumpin' off the roof! [Michael] Woo! [Dwight] Bouncin' on the bouncy bounce! Show 'em who's boss! [Michael] Woo! [Dwight] Rip a hole in the suuuuuuun! [Michael] I am ready to do this! I am ready to make a point! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Guys! Listen up! Michael is up on the roof, and acting strange! [Andy] Whoa! What's the situation? [Dwight] Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun. [Andy] Ok, when's the shunning thing gonna end? [Dwight] Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die! [Stanley] Is it nice outside? [Dwight] It's gorgeous. Let's go! [Stanley] Do I need my jacket? [Dwight] No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on! [Ryan] Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T? [Dwight] Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go! --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Come on, hurry up you guys! [Michael] My life! Oh, my life... [Dwight] Michael, what's wrong?! [Michael] Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office, has caused me to go into a depression. [Dwight] Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? [Michael] Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32 thousand people commit suicide every year! According to a 2004 study! [Dwight] Is that the last year the data was available? [Michael] Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil! [Dwight] Don't do anything rash! [Michael] Wait, where are the warehouse guys? [Dwight] I didn't... I didn't think you needed them for this part. [Michael] Okay... that's... [Dwight] you said to just... [Michael] That's the whole point, dummy. [Dwight] Okay, I'm on it! [Michael] Okay. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Attention blue collar workers! --------------------------------------- [Pam] What are the odds that this is in any way real? [Jim] I'd say like... 10,000 to 1? [Kevin] Okay, I'd like ten bucks on those odds. --------------------------------------- [Dwight] Michael's up on the roof and he's acting strange! [Michael] Oooooh, my life! [Dwight] Michael! What's wrong? [Michael] Everything is wrong, Dwight. The stress of my modern office, has made me depressed. [Dwight] Depressed? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out? [Michael] Dwight, you ignorant slut. --------------------------------------- [Jim] Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show. Um, might even bring my parents tomorrow, to the matinee. [Michael] And that is why, I am going to jump off this roof! [Jim] Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part. --------------------------------------- [Angela] This is just offensive. [Ryan] At least we're outside. --------------------------------------- [Creed] Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a castle over there. [Dwight] No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the castle, Michael. [Michael] Damn it. --------------------------------------- [Pam] Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump. [Jim] Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself. [Pam] Yeah... --------------------------------------- [Jim] Hey uh, Michael. Don't jump on the bouncy castle. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured. [Pam] Hey Michael! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it. [Michael] What is it? [Pam] Come down and... open it and you'll see. [Michael] Dwight, find out what the present is. [Dwight] Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing. [Jim] Dwight... [Pam] Dwight, what are you--- [Dwight] Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan. [Michael] Dwight, you are such a liar. Pam, really, what is it? [Darryl] Mike, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself. [Michael] You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life. [Darryl] Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for. [Michael] What do I have to live for? [Darryl] A lot... of things. Uh, you, uh... What about Jan? Lovely, lovely, lovely Jan, man. It's goin' good, right? [Michael] It's complicated with Jan. And I don't know where I stand, or what I want. The s*x isn't nearly as good as it used to be. [Michael] Do you really mean that? [Darryl] I couldn't do it. I--- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave. [Michael] I'm braver than you? [Michael] I Braveheart. I am. [Darryl] Come down, okay? [Michael] Okay. Pam, I'm coming down to get my present. --------------------------------------- [Michael] An office... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.

{"show": "The Office", "season": "s03", "episode": "e20", "title": "Safety Training"}

office/nasirkhalid24