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I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | children and adolescents who have a desire to achieve high grade point averages often have the symptoms you are describing. It sounds like, your gut is telling you to help her find ways to de-stress. Listen to your gut-always; as her mom, you know her needs better than anyone else. She would probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help her deal with the stress of being a high achiever. I provided the following suggestion to another parent with a similar concern: First identify the three most stressful aspects of the day. Do this by creating a circle on a regular size paper. (do this three times); ask your daughter how much of that circle can she confidently say she has under control. shade that in. The remaining parts of the circle are then named by intensity. (for example, in the circle labeled school anxiety, the client identified that she felt she could handle school anxiety 1 out of 4 days. The circle was split into 1/4. 1/4 of the circle was shaded . the remaining parts were labeled with the challenges that caused the client school anxiety.(these were 1. walking to class during passing time. 2. not having the assignments completed or at all. 3. feeling fat. after labeling each part; and making note of the percentage of the stress associated with each concern, free form thinking takes place and a pile of unwanted behaviors and genetic responses are portrayed around the circle in bright colors. Using note cards, create a tree of concern; the concerns can be written on note cards. a concern = the behavior that leads to more trouble. For example, "all i could do was think about that extra slice of pizza, I was unable to concentrate on the teacher's explanation of the assignment" (the concern you would write on the note card is Inability to concentrate. Now, fill up the back of the notecard with all of the different factors causing this pattern. nack. ( |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Oh dear - this is becoming all too common. I suggest you have some conversations with your girl to figure out where she is getting the "information" that she builds anxiety around. I see teens who have heard teachers, parents, coaches, etc push the "highly selective colleges" idea on kids way too much. Teens in particular are prone to black and white thinking, leading them to see one poor test performance, one off day, one not-great assignment as the make-or-break task on the path to successful adulthood. If that's the case with your daughter, she needs you to help modulate both the incoming information (there are nearly 5000 colleges in the US - she will get into one of them!) as well as her reaction to that information.As well, you and any other adults that are involved in parenting her need to discern fact from fiction. The recent scandal around celebrities "buying" their kids into college is an indicator of how far off track we, as a culture, have gotten in terms of education. A college education is certainly important, but we have allowed the marketing push to create so much stress and upset for our kids (and ourselves as parents) that they are actually less prepared to leave home and really engage in higher education than ever.You may want to include a therapist in these conversations if you get stuck, but start with a parent-child conversation. Help her figure out what is going on - if it is the "I have to get it right or I will have no future", calmly walk her through all the evidence that says that's just not true. As well, let her know that being anxious now is NOT preparing her for a bright adulthood - it's preparing her for an anxious future. She needs help figuring out how to balance her effort to attend to real and reasonable expectations, not over-inflated fear-based actions. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Being a parent is hard. Finding the balance between nurturing and guidance can be a difficult thing to do. I find that most of us seek validation and sometimes that can be the most helpful thing when experiencing stress and anxiety. Saying something like "Gosh, it sounds like XYZ is really difficult to take on, I can't imagine what that is like for you." Allowing the space for your child to communicate their thoughts and feelings, seeking clarity and understanding can go miles in your daughter feeling heard and understood. Seeking professional help is also a good option. Therapy allows your child the space to work through, process, and find solutions to many of the struggles they are having. Because as we all know, being a kid is hard! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Kids these days are facing a lot of pressure! Add to that COVID19 and pandemic related stress! Play therapy is a great way to learn coping skills and to help your daughter understand what she is going through. Usually there is an underlying issue that is bigger than something that seems silly on the surface. Remember what is silly to you may be a huge deal to her, so try re-stating and imagining how she may feel so she knows you care. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Sounds like your daughter is a high achiever and is keenly aware of what is required of her and what other expectations are for her. She may need to speak with someone if this is disturbing her life or causing her undue stress. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Worrying about our children seems to be part of the job of parenting. I think you are wise to consider helping your daughter around this particular issue. I think encouraging her to talk to a therapist is a really good idea. It is great that she is a high achiever, however, the down side could be high levels of stress that she may find difficulty managing in the future. A therapist can help her with skills to manage her stress levels. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Sounds like you have a high achieving daughter! That's something to be proud of! Yet, as you're aware, your daughter's efforts to maintain such a high level of achievement is causing her to experience high levels of stress. I can only imagine how this is impacting her overall wellbeing and quality of life. And I agree how this may not feel normal - because truthfully, why would anyone want to accept this as normal? It's hard to see someone you care about suffering - and it's really natural for you to worry and question her behaviors. And just like it is natural for you to care and worry about someone that matters to you, it's quite natural for your daughter to worry and stress out about something that matters to her - in this case, her schoolwork. It's important to understand more about what she is going through and providing her the space to openly talk about her issues, concerns, and stress. This open and honest conversation can lead to opportunities to support her in navigating the terrains of her challenges. Some stress is good for us - but chronic stress can be detrimental. It's vital that your daughter is developing and enhancing her survival skills with coping tools to effectively manage her stress so that she can continue achieving her target goals. And, as a parent, you are not alone. Supporting and raising a child is no easy task. There's a huge gap in our society when it comes to parenting - so please also give yourself a break and know that there is support for you as well. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds like you are a very caring parent who is worrying about an intelligent, high-achieving daughter. It is hard to see our children struggle! What makes you think this is going to break her and that the stressing isn’t normal? Have you talked to her about your worries? How does she feel about seeing a doctor? I would first have a conversation with your daughter about your worries. Make sure to speak with her calmly and have an open discussion with her about what you are noticing and ask her how she is feeling and if she feels stressed to the point of visiting with a doctor. Maybe she needs an outlet to talk about her feelings and therapy could be helpful, or maybe she really values doing well in school and feels she can manage the stress without speaking to someone. Either way, she needs a parent she can feel comfortable venting to, who will let her talk without interruption or judgement. It sounds like you love your daughter so much and you want her to be okay. Tell her that and get her feedback. But ensure you don’t make a conversation with her about you and your anxieties. The conversation needs to be about her and how she is feeling. All my best to you both! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It would probably be helpful to connect her to a counselor rather than a doctor as a doctor can only prescribe medication to treat the symptoms and is unlikely to be able to affect the underlying problem. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Perspective is everything. I know it is "silly" to you, but I can't help but wonder if it is much more for her. Sometimes when we "overreact" it is a manifestation of something much larger: a feeling that has been neglected or a worry that hasn't been addressed. It is healthy to learn how to effectively cope with stress. How do we handle life when it feels overwhelming? Developing coping tools to process emotions instead of dismissing them until they "bubble up" again. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | In addition to academic stress, teens are facing multiple stressors in their lives, it can be social stress. Teens place a high value on their social lives. It’s part of their developmental stage. Finding friends, keeping their friendships can be stressful at times. World events such as school shootings, acts of terrorism, and natural disasters also worry teens. If there are major lifestyle changes or traumatic events that can also be overwhelming and confusing for the developing teens. As parents, it is important to show your emotional support for their struggles. Having open communications can also help them process distressed emotions. In many cases, it can be helpful to have a therapist they can talk to. By teaching them resilience and self-care, you’re teaching a toolbox for any stress they may face. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | She could be an empath or dealing with imbalances in her energy field from all the pressure.Very little info on her date of birth. Outside evaluation to help her see or direct her on Who you can become is a great start . you can check out my services and test you can order for her. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds like your daughter is under a lot of pressure! Sometimes the students who are the highest achievers tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves to stay at a 4.0 and to maintain an image they have of themselves or think they should have of themselves! This part is not abnormal as many children this age find themselves in this situation! School has become very competitive and it is impacting our youth! You are right to be concerned that all the stress is not healthy for her and you don't want her to burn out. Try to get her to talk to you or another trusted adult about her feelings so she can work through some of the stressors she is feeling in her life and learn appropriate coping skills to help manage her feelings. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Great question. Hopefully you received your answer. I would get her to her Pediatrician to rule out medical issues and if the Pediatrician says that nothing medically is wrong with her, then it has to do with mental health issues, so, yes, get in with someone for help, not just for her but also for you to help her when she "freaks out." |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | First, I want to acknowledge the love and care you have for your daughter. Second, as I am reading through your posting I want to share that often when our children seem to be stressing about "silly" things it can represent deeper feelings such as anxiety, depression, and other similar issues. My recommendation would be to seek out a counselor who could afford a "safe" and "nurturing" environment in which your child can share the deep concerns fueling her emotions. Namaste |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I would certainly suggest that you get her to speak to someone. What seems silly to you may not be to her and it is better to give her an outlet to deal with her stress than to have it continue. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Your concerns about your daughter are valid and as you may think of them to be "silly" often times stress presents differently to those who are directly experiencing it. Stress, though a 5 letter word, is emotional and physical tension typically arising from the demands of life that one may believe to be complex, challenging or demanding. While you are afraid that she is stressing too much it is important to understanding from her perspective what it means to her to work hard in school. As a teenager the source of stress could function from school demands, frustrations of success vs failure, and even thoughts that arise about themselves, along with everyday pressures. Sometimes stress will "let up" and other times stress can become so overwhelming leading one to experience fight-or-flight responses as the automatic preparation that signals a sign of danger or threat. When this occurs natural stress can produce stress much more overwhelming and difficult to handle alone.Luckily, you nor your daughter have to feel alone though you are experiencing some fear and uncertainty. To assist in keeping stress manageable it helps to sit down with your daughter and address where she is feeling the most pressure and overwhelmingness and consider a schedule that provided realistic goals, rhyme and reason. Consider practicing meditation, relaxation and breathing exercises that serve as the natural antidote to relieve stress. If there is some hesitancy or uncomfortableness of having this conversation, validate your daughter's feeling and loop in a therapist who can further provided recommendation and stress management techniques along with a variety of treatment methods.Thank you for your courage to post this. Wishing all the best! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Teens are under more stress and pressure than ever. Many of them feel they need to:Earn straight A’s to get into their college of choiceHave the perfect appearance to be considered “hot” by peersAttract thousands of followers on social mediaAchieve success in sports, extracurriculars and clubsBe pleasant to be around, despite raging hormonesHold it all together, even under stress and pressureIt’s tough to be a teen! Many of them also don’t feel they have anyone they can go to about their problems. Their friends are dealing with the same issues, so can’t provide helpful advice. They may feel uncomfortable going to their parents with issues they’re afraid they’ll get in trouble for having. And they may not want to be a burden to those around them. I recommend you find a therapist who you think your teen will feel comfortable opening up to. Ask your teen how they would feel about having a confidential space where they could talk about anything without getting punished for it. In effective therapy, your teen can learn:Stress-reduction techniquesSocial problem-solvingAssertiveness skillsMindfulness practicesTime-management toolsPositive body imageTeens these days are more open to being in therapy than ever before. Gen Z didn’t grow up with the stigma around mental health nearly as much as their parents did. Talk to your teen and see how they would feel about getting some emotional support. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I would recommend having her talk to a therapist. The stress and anxiety she is demonstrating could be completely unrelated to school. If she is adamant about it being school related, try reinforcing with her that you are happy with her performance and that need to be so hard on herself. Often kids will develop their own critical expectations of themselves that they feel are what their parents expect, regardless of that being accurate. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Chances are your daughter may be feeling a lot of pressure to succeed - even be perfect in these areas of her life. Behind perfectionism is a feeling of shame related to feeling like you won’t measure up or that you’re not good enough. Try using affirmations to separate your daughter’s worth from her achievements. Understanding where the pressure comes from might bring insight into why she stresses. A counselor could certainly help her learn ways of dealing with stress as well as underlying issues that drive her towards perfection.Good luck! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | What may seem silly to you could mean a lot to her. Adult issues seem much more complex and we would love to have the stressors of school at times but this may be the most stressful thing for her since she doesn't have the life experience as adults do. For many teens, their whole world revolves around school, their friends, and their family. It is a juggling act they are so very new at and the act of managing all of it can be overwhelming at times. They are still growing emotionally and learning emotions management on top of all of this. It is so important for teens to feel like their issues are legitimate and not invalidates by adults. I think possibly speaking to a therapist for coping skills/stress management techniques as well as having a source to process some of this stress would be more beneficial than speaking to a doctor if the motivation to speak to a doctor was for medication purposes. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds like your intuition is helping you realize that your daughter's stress might be building into something more. It sounds like you have noticed a recent change that isn't explained by other life changes- and that reaching out to someone might be helpful for her. I would encourage you to explore that with her! She might feel relief at your suggestion, or maybe even some anxiety and apprehension. All of these reactions are normal! I would first check in with her and then begin to explore your options together. There are many online resources that can help. If you have insurance, you can always consult with your insurance company to see who is in network. Many times, if therapists aren't able to take you on at the moment, they can provide advice or referrals. Best of luck in the search, and great job following your instincts. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Hi. Bright kids often have a sense of perfectionism....when they are smart they often do not get to many opportunities to fail early in life because they adapt quickly. IAs they get older, they feel failure, and it can trigger anxiety. If you find she is sensitive in other areas, like really in tune with things happening in the world, highly aware of fair versus unfair, startles easily, is sensitive to smells, sights or fabrics, etc, she may be a highly sensitive child (check out Elaine Aron's website HSPersons.com) there is a great quiz on there and high sensitive and being bright have a correlation. A skilled therapist that is used to working with high functioning kiddos should be able to help let you know if it is anxiety due to pefectionism or if there is something else going on. A lot of times school has support groups that can help as well, so try checking with your daughter's school guidance counselor. It is okay to talk with her about how we learn from our mistakes. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Hello there, first I'd like to say I think it's great that you are reaching out as a parent and wanting to help her. My first thought is whatever is going on with her is not silly to her, and is impacting her in a real way. She is responding the best she can right now. It does sound like she is struggling with managing her anxiety and stress. She might benefit from finding a therapist that she can trust to discuss her thoughts and feelings, learn coping skills, and learn how to better manage these overwhelming emotions. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds like your daughter may be experiencing heightened levels of anxiety based on her value system of wanting to ensure she is 'good enough' or 'doing all the right things.' Talking to a trained professional could help her to decompress some of those feelings as well as find ways to challenge negative thoughts that are leading to overwhelming amounts of stress. Please let me know if you have any further questions that I may be able to help in this area. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Hello,Based on how you are describing your daughter, I am going to come from the perspective that she is in grade school. If this is the case, there is likely a lot of pressure being a younger student academically. That, along with a social visibility and how her friends see her, can contribute to the stress that she might be experiencing. When something happens at school, children tend to react in ways that are different than adults. I don’t know how old your child is, but depending on her ability to process what has taken place at school, will typically determine how she responds to it. One approach of helping her deal with her feelings, is talking to her about what has happened and helping her place it into proper perspective. Letting her know that you will except her regardless of the grades that she receives, while still encouraging her to do her best, might help remove some of the pressure she is experiencing right now. She may be trying to over-perform for approval purposes. This can put enormous amounts of stress on a child.Having your child also work with an academic adviser or a school counselor can sometimes be helpful, or a professional counselor in your local community. Knowing that yourChild has the necessary support to feel that she does not have to be so stressed, can be encouraging. Children experience stress in many different ways. Stress from home, stress from friends, stress from world events that they see on TV. Having important conversations with your child can often help alleviate the symptoms. Child has the necessary support to feel that she does not have to be so stressed, can be encouraging. Children experience stress in many different ways. Stress from home, stress from friends, stress from world events that they see on TV. Having important conversations with your child can often help alleviate the symptoms.I hope this information is helpful for you. If I can be of further assistance and you are in the Tacoma, Washington area, please feel free to reach out to me. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It's so tough to watch your children struggle and it seems like you care strongly about how she is feeling.I think there's a lot of questions that come to mind when I read this question. What things upset her? How often do these things occur? What would it mean if it "broke" her? Also, is she a high school or college student still living at home, or a college student living out of home? Just with the information given, it's possible she has some perfectionistic tendencies. What this can mean is that there is a very clear intolerance for anything she sees as a failure, whether or not it truly is. It can also mean that she neglects other important areas of her life in order to focus her attention on her academics. Many people that deal with perfectionism often sacrifice social opportunities for work, which can be really lonely and stressful.Another thing to consider is that it may have nothing to do with being perfect. If she is living out of the home, is this her first time out on her own? That's a difficult change all in its own. If she's still at home, is she nearing the age of graduation and feels the pressure of figuring out her life/career path? Does she have other social issues going on with friends or is in an unhealthy relationship? No matter the answers to these questions, you are the best judge of what your daughter may need. It could be worth having a conversation to understand her perspectives and assess her willingness to see a professional. And make sure you are taking care of yourself as well! It's easy as a parent to become enmeshed with our children's pain when they are hurting, but taking care of yourself can best prepare you to help your child. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Sometimes it is hard to empathize with our children. Adults have had so much life experience and know how the world works. I think whatever is bothering her at the moment doesn't seem silly to her. What are her goals? Are they realistic.? It sounds like your daughter might be a perfectionist. Is it necessary for everything to be perfect? No, we all make mistakes. Perfectionists tend to sabotage their own success and succeed despite their perfectionism. Perfectionism makes them stressed and anxious and they have to deal with those feelings every day on top of striving for success Perfectionists also often have what is called a fixed mindset. They believe their basic abilities such as intelligence and talents are fixed traits. They are set in stone. For them, If they are not naturally good at something there is no hope of improvement. This mindset leads them to them want to appear perfect and never make mistakes. Your daughter probably needs some help to change her fixed mindset to a growth mindset. People who have growth mindsets believe their abilities can improve over time. thinking this way helps become more motivated and resilient They believe they can find ways to fix mistakes and get better at the challenging things by getting help, studying a different way, and not giving up. A therapist who treats children her age could help her re-frame her approach to challenging tasks and the way she thinks about her gifts and talents. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Sometimes stress helps us become motivated and thrive to do better however, if your daughter is stressing to the point that she is crying and freaking out then that would be concerning. Helping your daughter with relaxation techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery would be a good start. Also, reminding your daughter that you see her doing so well in school and that most importantly you are there for her. I would also make an appointment to see a mental health therapist they can have more ideas on ways to de-stress. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | The most important action you can take here is validating her feelings and staying calm when she is crying and "freaking out". It's equally important to do some self exploration regarding your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors towards making mistakes and how you respond to your mistakes. When she is calm, ask her what a mistake means to her. Giving her examples of different kinds of mistakes and listening to her responses will give you an idea of how extreme her thoughts are. Taking this opportunity to share with her your own struggles with perfectionism or some other area would help her feel more at ease. Reminding her that she is enough just as she is would be helpful as well. Encouraging her self care routine will help develop a greater sense of balance regarding her priorities. The practice of mindfulness will be helpful in self awareness. Creating a plan on what to do when the early signs of "freaking out" surface will strengthen her coping skills. Your fears as a parent are completely understandable and this definitely needs to be addressed. Your daughter cannot bring about change on her own and will need the family to work towards this change as well. A therapist that specializes in anxiety/perfectionism would be a great resource. They may also help you all have a greater understanding of what the root of this need for perfection is and how it plays a role in the family. I suggest one or two sessions without your daughter would be helpful to develop a course of action. I hope this was helpful. It takes a lot of courage to seek help and guidance, I'm glad you posted. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I hear your concern that your daughter might break under the pressure and stress that she is dealing with. It is a good thing that your high achieving daughter is calling out for help and that you are listening. The education system is wrought with social and emotional problems, and there is a disproportionate emphasis on test taking, scores and achievement in school. It sounds like your daughter would benefit from some social and emotional education and learning to understand how her feelings are impacting her thoughts and behaviors. I'd like to also assure you that crying and freaking out is a normal part of growing up. Depending on your daughter's age, it is likely that she is going through a growth spurt and she may be feeling her feelings in a unique way to her too. If this is the first time you are having a concern about anxiety then rest at ease and see if you can ride the emotions with her and be a stable sounding board for her. Use empathy and compassion and allow her a safe place to process through her concerns. Try not to solve it for her, but allow her a space to fumble through and find her own answers to the problems she is faced with. Give her confidence that she can figure it out, and be patient as you sit with her. Our presence is key to our children's well being. Make eye contact with her, allow her to squirm and get frustrated and work through it while you witness her process. As parents, when we can model calm in the storm of life our children learn that all of their feelings are ok too. When our children see and feel our fear, it can create more insecurity and low self evaluation of their own efficacy to manage the stress. When we can be calm and reassuring, then we can boost their confidence in their own ability to problem solve what they are going through. Let's face it we all have irrational thinking from time to time, and usually it is when we are under stress. If your daughter continues to show concerning anxiety, check with her school and see if she can benefit from an opportunity with the social emotional learning curriculum. In Texas at least, schools are required to have resources for children like your daughter who are experiencing anxiety and other mental health concerns. Her teacher is with her all day and you may request to have a conference with her to see if she can help her in any way as well. If resources in your school are limited then I would seek an outside therapist who specializes in working with children your daughter's age. Call around and see if she can benefit from a therapeutic relationship outside of school and home. Once you have plenty of feedback from her teacher and a therapist or counselor then you will be able to determine if seeking medical care is necessary with their support and guidance. Thank you for your courage to reach out for help on behalf of your daughter. You are her greatest advocate. I hope that you find support to help you navigate this time in her life and that you both grow and learn from this experience. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Aye, you're correct, that isn't normal, and maybe you should get her to a doctor!Before you do that, and if she were my daughter, I would provide her the necessary physical support that can be given readily at home; that is: proper natural diet, rest, and a good sense of detoxification before she readies herself to approach it.Basic listening is warranted here and would be of great use. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Your daughter is suffering from extremes of perfectionism. She needs to know that God accepts her as she is. I can provide her with a knowledge of her God-given, inborn temperament to help her find her God-esteem. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | As parents, it's hard not to have "freak out" moments when our children are being bullied, stressed, or exhibit other symptoms of teenage angst. We walk a delicate balance of letting go and giving autonomy to our teens get older. Adolescents are learning how to be functional adults and it's important to allow them to try (and sometimes fail) in managing their emotions. Grades are a pretty good indicator of how a student is doing, overall. If your daughter has a 4.0 and there's no pattern of "crying and freaking out" I'd offer gentle support and encourage her to find ways to relax when she's stressed. If her grades start to decline and her crying spells become more frequent, a call to a counselor who specializes in teens might be in order. Good luck! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Many of the youth I see in my practice are going through similar behaviors and concerns. If she feels like she can talk to you about this I think that is a great place to begin. There are many life stressors that youth have to manage and seeing others on social media seems to exacerbate these feelings and can feel like even more pressure to strive for perfection. You may be able to offer her support by listening to and validating her concerns, reviewing all that she has accomplished and praising her for doing her best and not push that she needs to be "the best."If she feels she would like to speak to someone it may be good to find a therapist where she can vent her feelings and find a way to increase her coping skills. She may benefit from additional support outside the home where she can cry, learn to manage her worries and gain skills to triage the expectations of each day. She may benefit from skills that would help her to learn that she is enough already! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Hi there Mom! Just look at all of the things that a teen has to juggle and it's no surprise they're stress out. There are simply not enough minutes in the day to get everything done. So, they react by cutting into important times such as social interaction and sleep. Our fast paced, fast food, society is taking its toll on our teen generation. While multi-tasking seems to be a hot pop word, it simply doesn't work. We aren't wired to do our best at multiple things at once. We are not machines but rather humans who are going to quickly expire if we don't get a handle on our stress.As adults, it's time we intervene and teach our teens how to maintain a healthy balance between work and play. We need to help them prioritize and put first things, first. Are you putting first things, first in your life? If not, it's a good time to start. Best of luck to you and your daughter in whatever you decide to do. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I understand that as a mom it must be really hard to see your daughter stressing about things at school. Based on your description it sounds as though she has very high expectations of herself and is pushing herself to keep up. I hear your concern and recommend that to start, you provide her a space where she can express herself openly to you without judgement. Although it may seem as though this is "not normal", unfortunately it is. From standardized testing, to awards, to scholarships, the pressure is on to perform at high levels for kids today. Secondly, I would recommend that you connect her with therapist that can teach her coping and stress management skills that can help alleviate some of her anxiety. A therapist can also help her identify any faulty beliefs she may have in regards to perfectionism or fear of failure. You're doing a great job keeping an eye out for your daughter and being in tune with her emotional wellness! |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I hear that you are concerned about your daughter's reaction and her emotional well being. Her behaviors are worry some as you feel she seems to be approaching her breaking point. I would suggest speaking to your daughter about the situation at school and her feelings. Listening and acknowledging your daughter's feelings without judgement or giving solutions is a very effective communication skill. Ask your daughter how she feels about speaking to a therapist or her doctor. Someone that she knows and feels comfortable talking to about her feelings and learning healthy coping skills to address stressful situations. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds to me like your daughter is anxious to be perfect and has a low tolerance for failure. As her mother one of the most important messages you can share with her is that she need not be perfect, nor is it necessary. As a matter of fact, failure and making mistakes are only opportunity to learn and grow. Give her permission and more importantly she needs to give herself permission to be a perfectly flawed human. It may be a good idea to see a therapist to help her learn how to reframe some of her negative beliefs so she can form healthier thinking habits. Warm wishes. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Dear Concern Mom, Sadly, kids nowadays stress a lot about school and compete with one and another. Determine Career-minded students, tend to be very hard on themselves and can eventually become very anxious about things. Whereas, it is a good thing to be driven it can break you down too. Therefore, I recommend that you find your young daughter someone that can help her find ways to cope with her strong desire to doing well in school. Getting ahead of it now before she gets worst is the best thing you could do for her. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Sincerely, Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Thank you for being an observant parent and taking the very important step toward getting help for you as well as your daughter. The period of adolescence and emerging adulthood are tumultuous times for youth ( and their parents). The pressure to fit-in, be liked, and succeed could be some of the contributing factors for your daughter's stress. I have had many adolescent clients who do very well academically, but keep it well hidden from their peers so that they can fit in. She is still learning about herself, her abilities and how to like herself none of which are easy tasks even for adults. The academic success that you refer to only tells part of the story. As I read your statement, I got a sense of what your daughter does and that you are proud of her academic accomplishments. However, I would also want to ask her who she is as a person and encourage her to explore that with assistance from a therapist.By working with a therapist your daughter will have the opportunity to discuss her stress, fears, and focus on achievement with an objective person. As she gains a better understanding of the source of her stress and learns some stress management, she can also learn to communicate her concerns to you. I do recommend starting with a therapist rather than the doctor. If the therapist believes that your daughter's symptoms would benefit from a health exam and/or medication they will make that recommendation. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Hello! First of all, thank you for paying attention to your daughter and noticing that she is concerned! It sounds like you have been a positive influence on her for her to be so focused on achievement and for her to care so deeply about her performance! Based on what you've said here, I understand that you are concerned that she is overly stressed, though. I share your concern. People of all ages have meltdowns when they become overwhelmed with stress, and the negative consequences of those meltdowns can definitely have a ripple-effect into other areas of our lives.For your daughter, the thing I would want to know FIRST is this: does she feel she has adequate healthy coping skills to manage the stress she is experiencing? Because, it doesn't really matter WHAT she is stressing on...what matters is how she deals with her stress when it threatens to overwhelm her. I'd like to know what, exactly, that she does when she is feeling stressed that helps her to feel better. If she has only unhealthy coping skills (for example, sleeping, shutting-down, raging, self-attack with critical self-talk, etc.), or only one or two healthy skills, we would want to teach her some additional healthy strategies to help her KNOW that she can cope. Just one risk of not addressing this issue now could be that she may come to "learn" that stress is 'unbearable' which may cause her to turn to destructive or escapist strategies to avoid the discomfort, the pain of feeling hopeless, and/or the negative belief that she "cannot help herself." I definitely think it would be worth both your whiles to have her evaluated by her family doctor and/or a professional counselor. With a counselor specifically, she could learn the needed skills as well as be evaluated for other issues that may be contributing to the issue (for example, a learned belief that she "must be perfect or she is not worthy.") Plus, having a neutral support person to help her meet her personal goals is always a good thing. Good luck, mom and daughter!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | As a therapist and mother of four children (3 of whom are teenagers)...I hear your pain. Raising children in our society is no joke. Kids are under a tremendous amount of pressure from parents, peers, teachers, coaches and the list goes on and on. Fear and anxiety can suffocate students particularly as they approach their high school years where they are bombarded with questions about their future and expected to select professions before they have even gone to college!! I highly encourage the teens I work with to strive for balance in their lives- and we can model this for our children by how we choose to live! Encourage your child to spend time with friends, join you for a yoga class, read a book, pick up a hobby or go out to exercise. If your daughter continues to feel overwhelmed by stress, it would be a good idea to select a therapist for her to go speak with. As much as we love our children, there are times where kids need to consult with a neutral 3rd party. It can be a wonderful thing for kids to have a therapist whom they can confide in. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | As a Parent it can be very hard to see your child struggling. It sounds like they’re experiencing anxiety from their stress. It’s always a good idea to check in with your family doctor. Many children are experiencing anxiety and can benefit from individual counseling services to help them cope with their stress. School pressures and academic achievements can you create physical stress responses in the body. Seeing a counselor can also help you as the mom or dad have available tools to provide Continued support. It sounds like you are a great support for them and helping them connect to their resources. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It sounds as though your daughter is struggling to manage her anxiety and she is having really big reactions to what you view as small problems or issues. What have you tried with her in the past? As exhausting as it might be, a good first step is to empathize and validate her feelings. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | It may be helpful to register for a class you can take together. I would recommend mindful meditation or yoga, just the two of you. Something you find time for in a weekly basis. Yoga is amazing in learning mindfulness and reducing stress. I use yoga and mindful techniques when working with children and recommend it to parents to engage with their children. Hope this helps. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | Its hard to answer this question based on the information presented but I shall give it a go, Is it possible that your daughter is afraid of failing, I've seen many children and kids who get stressed out over grades or performance in sports, can you tell me "what was your grade in fourth grade English? Or what was the score of the 7th game you played in football when you were a junior? Much of what happens to us is insignificant and we worry over things which really , in the long term don't matter much to us. But ask yourself this question, Is your daughters reaction to what is going grossly out of proportion with what would normally be expected, if the answer is yes, a visit to a psychotherapist might not be a bad idea to learn some coping skills and to alter our reaction to life. |
I think my daughter is stressing too much | When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal. | I agree with your observation about your daughter feeling stressed. Are you able to open this topic in conversation with her?Also, reflect on your own expectations as a parent. It is possible that your daughter is trying to please you by getting consistently high grades.If your daughter prefers talking in confidence to a therapist, then this may help her regain a sense of balance in her life so that schoolwork feels less stressful.I wouldn't take her to a doctor because based on what you write, the problem is psychological and emotionally based. While the stress may have physical symptoms, addressing the root cause of the problem has nothing to do directly with something being physically wrong with your daughter.Unless there is some other medical or physical problem that would explain your daughter's sense of stress, I'd start first by bringing your areas of concern to your daughter, then possibly to a therapist. |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | As you will see in the two verses I will list below, Jesus and the apostle Paul are telling us that we have to learn how to let go of our past. Jesus says that anyone who is trying to move forward in his walk and call for God – but keeps looking back – is not fit for the kingdom of God. Seek deliverance from parts of your past you’re struggling to let go. Ask the Holy Spirit or your higher power to help. Find how to incorporate visitation so this child see you and also maybe seek some legal advice on this matter. |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | You can "move on and not live in the past" in the context of your ex-relationship, but that does not mean moving on from your child. "Moving on" then would involve accepting the end of the relationship and developing a civil relationship with your ex-partner as far as is possible for the sake of your child's development.Generally, it's good for a functional (non-abusive) parent to spend time with his/her child, but only insofar as that doesn't cause your child unnecessary stress. That requires the two adults to act like adults with each other for the sake of their child.What's confusing for children is seeing their parents act uncivilly or manipulatively. Children also do well with routines so regular dependable visitation is preferable to random visitation or, worse, not following through on commitments.But if one person is exploiting their child to harm their ex-partner, then visiting your child in that context may be stressful to him/her (depending on what you mean by using your child as a pawn). When dealing with a hostile ex-partner, your first challenge is to negotiate rules and boundaries with your ex-partner about appropriate behavior for the good of your child. If you cannot come to an agreement, a counselor can help mediate a conversation. If that's not an option, then it may be possible to turn to family court to stipulate visitation rules (for which you'd have to consult with an attorney). |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | Your child is not part of your past, he or she is part of your present and future. Your child needs you. Statistics about fatherless children are staggering. Research shows children raised in a father-absent home experience the following: 4x greater risk of poverty, more likely to have behavioral problems, 7x more likely to become pregnant as a teen, more likely to face abuse and neglect, more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, 2x more likely to suffer obesity, 2x more likely to drop out of school, more likely to commit crime and more likely to go to prison. Listen to your heart and ask yourself, what do you want for your child? Co-parenting is hard when each parent is unable to prioritize the best interests of the child. You and your ex-wife can get help learning how to co-parent in a way that will work for each of you with the best interest of your child in mind. What is confusing for a child is why did my parent abandon me and they will struggle with issues of worthiness and self-esteem for the rest of their lives. Here are some websites for you to check out and get help with the most important job you'll ever have...being a father!https://fatherhoodfactor.com/us-fatherless-statistics/https://www.fatherhood.org/fatherhood-data-statisticshttps://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/http://fathers.com/statistics-and-research/the-consequences-of-fatherlessness/ |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | Hi, your situation sounds very complicated and sensitive. It is important to handle it with care as it involves your children. When parents are attempting to co-parent, the clearer the boundaries and expectations are the easier it gets to effectively co-parent. Parenting your child is not “living in the past”, allow me to reframe that approach and instead view it as an investment in your future. Your child will forever be your child and deserves and active loving and caring father. Staying away sends a different message to your child and leaves room for resentment. Find a way to create an agreement between you and your ex-wife with the best interest of your child as the focus. The courts are able to assist with this goal as well. |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault. As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, "why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?"I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work. You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much. Good luck to you! :-) |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | What are the ways your ex-wife uses your child as a pawn?This answer determines the best ways to handle particular situations.Basically, distinguish that your father relationship to your child lasts has great meaning for your child and as the adult, the responsibility for managing this relationship falls on you.Your relationship to your ex wife took place between two adults and therefore you are only responsible for your own actions to repair the damage done to you.From what you write, you already have a plan in progress to do this by separating yourself as much as possible from contact with the ex.In a way the challenge of keeping active as a parent while also distancing and clearing your emotions of the hurt and betrayal done to you, will establish both a solid relationship with your child and grow more acceptance and self-forgiveness of having been taken advantage of and tricked. |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | I am really glad you reached out. When parents get divorced, they still need to figure out how to have relationship so that they can parent their child. We might divorce our partners, however, we don't divorce our children. If anything our children need to know that we are still a stable force in their lives. Unfortunately, in some relationships children get used as a bargaining piece and I am hearing that may be happening in your relationship. You can move on from the relationship with your ex while still maintaining a relationship with your child. It is possible and it takes both parents to agree to do the right thing by their child. It is important for your children to have some consistency in his or her time with you. For example, if you and your ex don't have a parenting schedule it is something that you want to create so that you can not only decide for you when you will see your child, but your child can know when you will be available just for her. This will lay the foundation for consistency and allow your child to have some security in troubled times.I would highly recommend you sit down with your ex and discuss how you can both be a positive source in your child's life. How you can both be there to help raise her. If this is not a conversation that you can have on your own you might seek out help from the court. There are parenting experts and mediators who might be able to assist you.Remember, in any discussion keep the focus on what is best for your child and you will be moving in the right direction.Best of luck to you! |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role. If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with. The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between. Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential. Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person. |
How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife? | My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child? | You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do.Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on. The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run. Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all. |
Is it ok ayto talk with my grown children about spending time with their children? | I was a single mom most of their growing up life and have guilt about trying to work three jobs and being gone a lot. My children are successful with their own business's, have lots of nanny and cleaning help, but I just feel they have such a great opportunity to spend it with their kids. | You seem to have been a very positive influence in your kids' lives.They may have worked so hard because they understood how difficult and tiring your life was as a single mom.I feel you are seeing your kids' lives through the measurement of how much toil was in your life as a single mom.In other words, what you see your kids overlooking or not appreciating, may remind you of your wishes during the many years you raised your kids.If it helps you and is possible, then maybe you could spend more of your own time tougher with your grandkids. This may give some reward for the many years you spent working to support your kids and had no choice in the amount of time you had with your kids.As far as your kids relationship to their kids, it is now their turn to raise them as they wish, within ethical boundaries of course.Depending on the topics you and your kids talk about, consider to bring up your concern as to whether they feel their kids, your grandkids, are missing anything due to the limited time they have with the parents. |
What can I do about my dad? | My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do? | You are valid. Your idea about “I want to move out” may be the key to putting some distance between you two and giving you the space you deserve. Also taking the power away from him and giving it back to yourself. Do not base your worth on others’ opinions. Often how other people act towards us is more about them than us. Other people’s opinion of you does not decide the sum total of your worth, you alone do that.This meditation could prove helpful I am ENOUGH - Guided Meditation |
What can I do about my dad? | My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do? | If you're actually able to afford to move out and support your own life, then this is a reasonable choice.If you're not in such a position and must continue for a while to live w your dad, then emotionally protect yourself from him.Doing so is much more difficult than maybe it sounds.Do you have privacy in your house and can you spend more time in a self-created safe space than around your dad?Also, limit the amount of dialogue you have with him so you don't offer him a chance to feel invited to criticize you.Are there other people who live in the household w you and dad?If yes, then are they similarly called names or are you singled out by him? What do the other family members do when they hear your dad calling you names?Is it possible the other family members don't realize how hurt and upset you are by your dad's behavior?If yes, then make a project for yourself to tell the other family members that you suffer from your dad's name calling.It is possible the other family members will step in and tell your dad to stop.Not necessarily that he will stop. Knowing the others support you emotionally and find you credible is helpful on its own. |
What can I do about my dad? | My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do? | Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you?If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member?If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority.It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you.Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that! I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. |
My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced | he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this? | The short answer to your question is "No" it's not okay for anyone to ever be doing this. There's a lot of unanswered questions and other factors going on here that need attention. Nevertheless, don't hesitate to seek out legal counsel and/or call 911. Ideally, your fiancé would be able to speak directly to her ex-husband and set reasonable boundaries that honor whatever legal agreements are in force resultant from the divorce and custody agreements. The fact that she's afraid to say anything to him about his inappropriate behavior, and that she hasn't been able to give you any reason for her fear, suggests possible factors of past abusive behaviors, entitlement, and/or co-dependence. I hope things work out well for all and I'm confident a skilled therapist could help all navigate how best to set boundaries and experience greater healing. |
My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced | he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this? | Do you know the reason your fiancé puts up with the ex's behavior?If not, then ask her.The answer could be anything, from some agreement the two of them made either formally or informally before you came into her life, to residual sense of obligation she feels toward him as a parent, or that she genuinely does fear his physical or verbal anger if she disagrees with what he wants.Facts are the best starting point to know how to handle a situation.There is no blanket rule and certainly no law which prohibits what he's doing. The situation is entirely in the hands of the people involved. |
My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced | he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this? | The kids are actually her Property, and he does have a claim to them as he wishes;The house is yours, I presume;So require that if he wishes to see his Property, it be done off of your Property;And, that as long as it remains your Property, you have jurisdiction over all those, therein;Require compensation for visits, and send him a bill;When he doesn't pay, send to the local sheriff, go to small claims court, and win a judgment against him for non-payment;I wonder how that might work out... act as man :) |
My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced | he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this? | The obvious answer is no, it's not okay. There are other you should be asking though. You said your fiance "seems afraid" of her ex. Did you ask her about that? Is there a reason he still has a key to the home? Has there been any discussion of appropriate boundaries? I work with a lot of people parenting from different households and the stickiest spots are the ones that have not been discussed. There is obviously conflict there or they wouldn't have split, but your fiance and her ex do need to stay aligned for the kids and that can't happen if she feels fearful or resentful. If she doesn't have a problem with his barging in, clearly you do (and who wouldn't? He's not YOUR ex!), so you and she need to have some agreements around his access to the home. If she is afraid to bring up the discussion then I strongly recommend that she and the ex get some help with a good therapist. The kids health, your health and hers, and the health of your relationships in the family depend on it! |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | Not much to go on. Her age medical etc. This can be frustrating seeing a loved one sick. Find what interests her or has an influence over her. If you know why...maybe try and allow her to heal. Presents things in front of her that give her no choice but to focus on instead of what has put her in this state. What brings her joy? Good luck |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | That sounds awful, and is clearly unsustainable. There are some great answers that give some guidance about what might be an underlying condition. If all physical and mental health issues are ruled out, it's time to take action. Get backup from friends or family members if you need to, but let your daughter know you are giving her 30 days notice. She needs to find another place to live within that time. If she wants to stay with you, be clear that first she has to go, with a potential to return after she has been out for a good chunk of time. Once out, she can prove to you, and more importantly to herself, that she is capable of maintaining her health and her environment. Remember, you are going to rule out issues that would make it impossible for her to be successful; if she is in good health, her staying with you and living this way is actually harming her. |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | This sounds like a painful situation, where you care about your daughter and want to help, yet you feel helpless to do so. I'm sorry you are going through this. You do not mention how old your daughter is, which makes a huge difference in my mind as to how to approach this. If she is a minor, then you have a responsibility for her health and wellbeing. If she is 18 or older, this shifts a bit. I would suggest slowing everything down and consider your goals. If you continue to require her to behave differently every time you interact, she will likely continue to tune you out. However, if you choose to prioritize your relationship and connection to her, there are other approaches. These include taking an interest in her, as a person. Being willing to talk with her without making any suggestions, and if possible, withholding judgment about what she is doing or not doing. This takes practice and tremendous control because of our tendency as parents to want to fix what's wrong. Best wishes. |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | It can be difficult to find ways to talk to your children, or to get them to talk to you. Although it's difficult, it's not impossible; read on to find out how to get your adult child to talk to you.Learn to ListenTake the time to listen to them when they want to talk. Instead of saying you'll talk to them later, step away from what you're doing and listen to what they have to say. Don't talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen. Put Yourself in Their ShoesAs you listen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen's shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.Watch for SignsEveryone has a desire to be heard and understood. Mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they're not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they're nodding and/or silent, you'll know you've understood.Ask Specific QuestionsAsk specific questions rather than general "how was your day?" questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask open ended questions such as, "What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?"Location, Location, LocationWhen and where you try to talk to your kid matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after work. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It's casual, and there's no pressure for eye contact. [wpforms id="60"] |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | Hello, I know that your situation is frustrating and debilitating. It sounds like she either has a medical or mental condition. She needs help, and for the sounds of it, you want to help her. I suggest that you take the time to contemplate the best way and time to approach her. Rehearse ahead of time what you want her to hear and what the end goal is. I know it might seem like a lot of work for you to do and perhaps you even feel frustrated about that, but the only way you will reach her is if you approach it in a way she hears your concern and desire to help her. Be prepared with facts and places to go for help. The better prepared you are, the better the chances of her to act on it. Remind her how much you love her and how it is not healthy for her or for the relationship for this to continue. With lots of love and patience, you can make a difference. Stay Strong!Best of luck to you and your daughter, Mirella~ |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation. Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you, you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not. |
I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter | There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? | 1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices. |
My son plays alone at recess | Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn. A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group. Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer group Ask a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own. I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, "Hey, I noticed something," or "Let me help you be successful." By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help. When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety. The vast majority of children who define "quality time" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call "social reciprocity," then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company. |
My son plays alone at recess | Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | I recommend asking your son about the reasons he chooses to play alone at recess. If he is happy on his own and you know he has some friends, I would not be very concerned. However, there may be bullying going on at school. In the case of bullying, it may be a situation where you as his parent will need to step in. |
My son plays alone at recess | Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | My son plays alone at recess.Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?Every mom is the expert on their children’s behavior. First of all, I suggest checking with your son, asking him if he is happy while playing alone, or does he complain that no one wants to play with him? Does he plays alone in school, but is social in other environments, with family or neighbors?Playing alone is healthy for children, it helps them to be independent and confident, it allows them to explore their environment and use their imagination, among other benefits. On the other hand, it is also important to develop social skills early on and become confident in our skills as we grow. Children go through stages of exploration until they develop a sense of “social confidence”. Depending on your son’s age, he might need some input or advice. Provide the opportunity to interact with other children, without pushing it. Take him to the park to play with a friend or to children’s activities in your neighborhood. Later ask him, what did he thought of the activity, and if he enjoyed playing there. Children also follow their parent’s model, so you can encourage social interaction by greeting other and asking your son to do the same, ask him to receive the guests who come to the house with you and sit to enjoy the conversation. If you notice any shakiness, becoming tearful, anxious or aggressive when approaching social encounters, you may want to talk to the school counselor or children’s therapist to evaluate those symptoms and rule out any behavioral problems or social anxiety.Mi hijo juega solo en el receso.¿Debería preocuparme al respecto? ¿Debería hacer algo al respecto?Cada mama es experta en la conducta de sus hijos. Primero que nada te sugiero que revises con tu hijo y le preguntes si él se siente contento jugando solo, o si se queja porque nadie quiere jugar con él. Observa si él juega solo en la escuela, pero es sociable en otros ambientes como con la familia o los vecinos. Jugar solo puede ser saludable para los niños, les ayudo a ser independientes, desarrollan sentido de seguridad, y les permite explorar su ambiente y utilizar su imaginación, entre otros beneficios.Por otro lado, también es importante desarrollar destrezas sociales y perfeccionarlas con la práctica. Los niños van por etapas de exploración y prueba hasta que desarrollan un nivel de confianza en sus destrezas sociales. Dependiendo de la edad de tu hijo, puede que el necesite algunos consejos. Provéele la oportunidad de interactuar con otros niños, sin obligarlo. Ya sea yendo al parque a jugar con vecinos, o a actividades comunitarias infantiles con algún amigo. Luego pregúntale como le pareció la actividad y si le gusto compartir allí. También recuerda que los niños siguen el modelo de sus padres, así que puedes motivarlo invitándolo a que salude a otros después de ti, o invitándolo a recibir a la visita que llega a la casa y que los acompañe durante la conversación.Si observas que tu hijo está nervioso, lloroso, o agresivo cuando se acerca alguna actividad social, consulta con el consejero escolar o un consejero infantil para evaluar sus síntomas y descarta cualquier problema de conducta o ansiedad. |
My son plays alone at recess | Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring "just during recess" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C |
My son plays alone at recess | Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? | The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled. |
My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him | I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die. | Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children.I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering.It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for.I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you?It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well. |
My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him | I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die. | It's normal for a child to be so angry she wanted someone to die, but this seems to be heading into a dangerous realm. I think it would be wise to have her seen by a child psychologist just to rule out anything more serious. |
My toddler wants her daddy to die when she's mad at him | I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die. | Toddlers don't have the intellectual capacity to conceptualize.Better to find out why she wants daddy to die than explain the future consequences of death to your toddler.A person must be around 9, possibly 8 years old before absorbing the potential effects of an action taken in present time.Pretty much your toddler demonstrated to you here age appropriate and limited understanding of the loss of a parent, by crying that you weren't able to magically make her father disappear.Also, please pay attention and form your own opinions as to the reasons why your toddler would wish her father's death.She may be pointing out that the father behaves in frightening or harmful ways towards her. |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!! I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well. Healthy Place offers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearing Name calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYou’re so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I can’t believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, can’t you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you don’t train that dog I’m going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.You’re scared?! This isn’t angry! You will KNOW when I’m ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves. Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you. We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling. |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | Yes, this emotional abuse. There is no abuse without emotional abuse. His abuse is demeaning and can have lasting negative impact on your perspective of your self and people around you. Please find someone support to talk to. |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Having said that, everyone gets upset once in awhile and may yell or scream, which can be disrespectful. You said "always, and I mean always" and that is troubling. If your dad curses and screams at you on a regular and consistent basis, it can (as you stated) impact the way you feel about yourself. While the definitions of child abuse differ from state to state, talking to someone can help. Perhaps there is a counselor at school, or another trustworthy person you could confide in to help you understand how this situation is impacting you? Counseling is a good option. There is also help available through the national hotline at 1-800-422-4453, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call (press 1) and talk to a counselor while being anonymous. You can also check out this website: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/resources-kids/I am sorry that you are going though this situation. There is help available. You do not have to go through this situation alone. |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | It sounds like your dad makes you feel badly about yourself when he screams, cusses at you, and compares you to your siblings. I am so, so sorry you are going through that. That would be considered emotional abuse because it sounds like he is greatly hurting your feelings when he is behaving in that way. My heart goes out to you. No one deserves to be treated like that and you do not have to allow yourself to be treated like that. Please try to find a therapist who could give you tips for creating healthy boundaries with your dad regarding how he treats you. |
Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another, ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request. This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you. Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are. When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way. Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you. |
How should we punish our son for peeing his pants because of laziness? | He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again. | Sounds as though your son is "pissed off" about something.Punishment will most likely result in more of the same, not less of the peeing you would like to stop from happening."Laziness" is more of a social judgement than it is a characteristic of its own merit.Is this your description of your son or his description of himself?First step always before addressing any of the family dynamics, emotions, and psychology of the people involved, is a medical rule out as to why your son pees at times he plays video games.If he has medical clearance that there is no physiological problem, then talk with your son on his opinions as to why he pees, if he is aware of the urge to pee and ignores it, or that his attention gets so absorbed he doesn't notice the urge to pee.See what modifications you can create by cooperating with your son.Maybe it is as simple as each two hours, he sets a timer and when it goes off, he takes a bathroom break. |
How should we punish our son for peeing his pants because of laziness? | He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again. | From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son. Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents. Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame). This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work. Also allow him to clean up himself. Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback. Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated. You can also call a local behavioral analyst. |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | Hi! I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this situation. I have worked with a number of young adults in their 20's who have had to move back home after college , or even stay at home through the college years. Bottom line is that either way , it is so difficult when you are trying to discover who you are and what you want your life to be , to have to live at home. I have even heard much older adults clients say that when they visit their childhood home , they suddenly feel like a "kid" again . The old dynamics between adults and their parents and siblings can pop right up as if they have gone back in time and are no longer adults !I would suggest that you approach your mom and say something like "I am hoping we can talk about the best way for us to manage me living here. I really appreciate that you are giving me a place to live until I get on my feet , and I want to be respectful of you and our home ; at the same time , though, I feel like it's important for me to have more independence than when I was younger because I am growing up and trying to learn more about myself and become more autonomous. Can we talk about what might be fair rules that we can both live with ?" If she is receptive , maybe you can each write a separate list of what you think would be fair and reasonable and then compare lists and try to make compromises and come up with a list of "guidleines" that feel fair to you both . If this is too hard to do alone , perhaps you and your mom can meet with a therapist a few times who can help you to come up with some kind of "compromise contract." This is not an easy situation , but if you can approach your mom in a calm and "mature" way and suggest a planned, structured discussion that doesn't take place in the heat of the moment , your mom may be impressed by your maturity and even more receptive to working out some rules that you can both live with.Good luck !!Elissa Gross |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | These things happen and it is her roof... If you can try and stay busy avoid situations that make you feel like this. Be Kind and Courteous as if you were living with a room mate. You can also pay some kind of rent. Don't feel bad even adults face this with their parents even when their 80 and you are 50. Some children take care of their older parents or deal with family responsibilities. Try and do what you can to move forward in your life or ask her to help so that you can live on your own and maybe she just needs to feel needed. |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness of expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards. |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as "controlling". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to "see your point". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone. If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there. I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon. Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict. If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own. |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | That is a really tough situation that a lot of young people are experiencing right now. The first thing to under is that you can’t change who your parents are and cannot change their behavior. The thing to keep in mind is that you can control your responses and actions. You may need to keep living at home with them for the next few months or years and the best way to do this is to have a plan. The second thing is to keep in mind that their controlling behavior is most likely not about based your behavior. Controlling parents are often driven by their concept of what will keep their children safe and happy. Unfortunately this is not always accurate but keep in mind it is not a personal attack. There are ways you can deal with controlling parents – and most of them require creating a plan of action.Examples of action plans:Decide in advance how you’ll calmly and rationally respond to your parents when you feel they’re trying to control youArrange to phone a friend or trusted adult when you feel like you’re losing controlTalk in person to an adult you trust. There aren’t any quick tips on how to deal with parents who want to control you; you need to find strategies that are geared to your specific family situation. Get specific coping tips from books about family dynamics, such as:Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan ForwardCutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents by Howard HalpernA counselor can be a good resource and provide support and guidance about issues addressing normal growth and development during periods of transition. |
My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do | I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? | You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties. |
I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore | I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this? | I think one of the best things to pass on to our children, or simply one of the best lessons in life, is to learn when to internalize (it's an issue in me) and when to externalize (it's an issue in them), as well as always finding the balance of the two.In this case, you don't seem to be the issue. Sure, living with your parents with your child probably is not your dream scenario, nor your parents'. But, there are ways to process that without someone feeling abused, and your parents clearly have zero ability or boundaries if they are willing to verbally abuse you in front of your child, and their grandchild. If there is a reason they are doing so, I'm sure they think they have a good one. However, the dynamic that they are willingly setting up is problematic. And it is THEIR problem. However, by being strong and not taking in someone's verbal abuse, you are going to role model for your child how it's about what is inside of you, your own drive, that will be what is important, NOT what others say about you. It's important to always come back to yourself inside, and seeing the good that is in you (or even just noticing that it's there, if you can't quite see it in its entirety.)I would also advise your parents to think about their own role modeling. |
I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore | I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this? | I can't imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you that you are right to be concerned about your children baring witness to this abuse. This is a great teachable moment for your kids. How you handle yourself will be very important for your children to see. Your "REACTION" is what you should focus on. Will you react with rage and name calling? Will you listen to your parents with respect and talk to them in private about how they are speaking to you in front of your kids? Will you talk your kids about what is going? From reading this I am assuming you live with your parents. If this is the case you have to think about what you can do to change your situation. Have a plan! Set a goal! Don't lose hope! |
I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore | I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this? | The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change? |
I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore | I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this? | That is unfortunate that you are being verbally abused and that the experience not only impacts you, but also your children.It is understandable that you would be overwhelmed as the stress you experience may trigger depleting emotions. Author, Victor Frankel advised others that in difficult situations that one cannot control, it is best to focus on controlling one's reactions to the situation. One way to approach this may be to think about the good that may emerge from the situation regardless of how tough it is. |
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