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Once he’d seen his mother’s cunt hair emerging from dolphin shorts at the pool. It was just like that.

White women. He’d put on Daphnis et Chloe by Ravel, remembering it being softer than it was.

His eyes looked sad at first. Then he made a face like he was concentrating on a math problem. Then a sound like he was hurt, and his eyes looked like nobody was in there.

An old nail was biting into her hand. Her dad would make a big deal about getting a tetanus shot. She had to bike back home.

But I also want to get you hammered in my filthy silverfish infested jack shack and rawdog you in the second hour of our first date. I’ll pull out.

But maybe the one wild drop squirts in you and gets you pregnant and thinking about this is getting me hard on the train. This is not a propos ition.

Have to get dates. Go on OKCupid, go out to bars… work work work.

Every conversation is an annoyance, a distraction from what you really want: to crawl in a hole and die. The police helicopter comes at three in the morning. I am a nonviolent person.

He moves like a muppet and his sales calls are long rambling off- script improvisations. You talk to him a couple times and he reveals that he was kidnapped by the CIA as a baby, spent his childhood in a prison camp where they injected him directly in the spine every day with LSD.

He says itgave him spinal meningitis. At some point two angels disguised as men came to him and told him he was the orphan prince of a galaxy called Lucifer 666 million light years away.

T asted it. Omigod… it’ s soooo good! Haha. Really? It’s the best chicken I’ve ever had.It’s just some stupid comfort food, my mom used to make it for my birthday . Well your mother was wonderful. They ate and listened to the rain.

She finished her plate and asked for more. Girls never did that. Listen, she said, I know this is imposing, but can I stay here tonight? I have a movie in my bag.

Oooohhhh, she said, and turned around and ran again. Maybe a mile up in the mounta ins she let him catch up. The chaparral had opened up and the the skeletons of burnt out Douglas firs spiked out of the dirt.

She was in a patch of bare earth on a big crag of sandstone, looking back expectantly . Behind her a redwood tree black at the base from the fires.

Said she needed to come over. She had cancer , she said. There were going to be treatments but she probably wasn ’t going to make it.

We are going to beat this, he said. You are going to beat this.

And what do you do, she asked. He worked in a call center. People reported national security threats.

Their caller ID appeared on his monitor. He typed notes.

It was raining outside; she was shivering a little. What are you making? It smells wonderful. Oh, just some, uh… just some stupid shit.

Something my mom used to make. It smells wonderful. Thanks. It’ s not really , it’s uh… not fancy . Can I have some? He blanched for a second.

I’d gladly pay cash to be done with it. You can’t.

Have to be billed 28 grand so your insurance can haggle it to 3 grand of which you pay a grand. For the CAT scan to exist unnecessary millions must be poured into corporations so people can have jobs they hate.

This delights me. I have been noticed by someone famous.

I’m in an Echo Park coffee shop drinking a tea called “Spring Jasmine.” Grinning uncontrollably because Lena fucking Dunham knows I exist. I prayed for castration.

God give me specific brain damage that renders me unable to work. God make me a drooling twitching vegetable.

Vaguely aware that it feels nice when an orderly balms my sores. God let me not dream of freedom.

She’s terrified of STDs because she’s a germ freak. Because her gay friend has HIV.

Heresy to admit that gays get AIDS because they fuck a thousand strange men in toilets, huge black dongs rasping bloody shitty assholes dry. That’ s where AIDS comes from.

An imposition I can’t even blog about. Because they did it in Office Space .

That rock is evil. It’s bad luck.

Taxes go up. A new tax, some environmentally friendly waste disposal fee– to create recycled shit you can pay for again.

All of it for them . Every extra penny you don’t spend on cigarettes.

Do what you want, or don’t. Fail.

Never leave the house– or do, go nurse orphans in Somalia. Who gives a fuck; it’s all nothing.

Her message had said she wanted revenge on the patriarchy. Then a picture of her tits. They sat by a jacaranda.

When she said white males he could tell it was capitalized. She hated Michel Houellebecq.

What if I met my future wife but I was like that. She’d look at me like an insect.

I can’t take that chance.Shit Piss Cunt Fuck We both know I won’t make 30, I told her. What will you put on my grave. “Kiss Joy as it Flies,” she said. She died at 4AM Wednesday morning.

She was on the verge of tears. Eyes like a baby faun.

Of course not, he said. You promise? No girl is prettier than you. Okay . I have something to ask you, he said. And began to reach in his pocket. Oh my god– Baby will you marry me, he said. She said yes, oh yes.

And he was awake. He was on all fours. His belly was full, impossibly full, something big and hot was pushing into him and it hurt.

He craned his neck around. A black man the size of a Tyrannosaur was palming his ass with a hot hand while he forced what felt like a yule log into him.

But only for us. The guy up the block inherited real estate. It got more expensiv e, enabling him to buy more real estate he made more expensive.

The real estate I live in got more expensive. This happened many times faster than I got more expensive.

He had never talked to her about movies, obviously . He hadn’t known she had such wonderful taste.

They fell asleep on the couch together , her back warming his chest while the rain hissed in the leaves. In the morning she was gone. ********** A week later she called him.

And my income is laughabl e. I own nothing but a pile of debt and a laptop.

A couple guitars and a bike (edit: that got stolen yesterday). Middle class money is nothing.

And then I laughed all the way back to my car thinking of this. Every fucking thing, an appointment in Samarra. I can feel it already .

No blood in my fingers. I feel lightheaded.

It took a second to sink in, that the old man hadn’t asked. Hadn’t had to. He stayed three more days.

Kissing Joy under the waterfalls. Her eyes full of love, like his dream. High in the trees the birds cried, mostly out of sight.

When he moved what felt like a millimeter the black slipped over his whole field of sight. Then when he got Kent’s face again a bright beam was hitting it and Kent’s eyes got startled and he was moving. Dropping out of view.

Red means dead. He pulled.

Fucking her, as productive as sticking my dick in a log. Plus she’s banged 10,000 indie rock bassists no doubt. Has herpes and the bad kind of HPV.

The log it is then. Still, she guards herself like her pussy’s a treasure. Habit.

Quads plumped , calves inflated, baby hands expanded, chin- my chin is fine. Spider veins removed from eyeballs. Hairline resculpted so it’s less like Count Chocula.

Femurs shattered and pinned apart until an extra inch or two brings me to six foot three. By the time I recover the requirement will be six foot five.

For instance, I don’t literally want my mouth and nose to be skin grafted onto a 40 year old alcoholic Cambodian woman’s asshole. My friends told me not to go out with you. Yes, I know, he thought. That’s part of it.

Your friends will tell you not to go out with me which means you have to. Your friends will tell you not to fuck me which means you have to.

He’s seen worse. That was good for 15 minutes. But by the time I got to the 5 interchange I knew I was going to the liquor store.

50 more minutes to get there. I bought a pint of Christian Brothers for $6.99.

36 miles per gallon highway but at the speed limit in Yellowstone dodging buffalo you get more. Not exactly a wind tunnel car so catch es a thousand bugs flying into a flaming sunset in Wyoming–God damn do I love that car.

I loved all my cars. A car, unlike a woman, does what it’s supposed to.

They got guys in the ports, they work with Filipinos on the ships. Which must answer a question you had. Is this ISIS?Kind of.

ISIS doesn’t mean anything. Mostly it’s a bunch of commercial operations.

They had fifteen minutes together . The others talked like he was money .

She talked like he was a person. She was a Future Farmer of America. The stock was tanking.

Most able to put it aside. No one goes through the day having normal thoughts.

No thoughts at all. Minds just blank drywall. Everyone grew up picturing swarming heaps of black crustaceans. Centipedes under the table waiting for the edge of a finger to brush them so they can latch on.

The flowers were impossibly big and bright, the bushes fifty feet tall, a hundred feet wide. Someone was touching him.

A huge warm wet palm slithering up his knee, his thigh. Rough like a workman’s hand.

Can you tell me what kind of data you provided? Do you have a government clearance? They don’t need that– it’s every credit card purchase. That sounds boring, she said.

Do u like t? What is it exactly? Jesus Christ bitch– is this fucking Linkedin? he typed, and erased it. The elderly never dreamed that they were finding gold coins in the mailbox. That the mailbox was a beautiful nymph.

He had job security. Room for growth.

He earned a pension. It could start paying out in 35 years.

Chinatown to Pasadena on the way to work. Of fice with no windows.

Five years. She was Japane se. He could tell by her sounds.

If I don’t come back, take the car. He waited for her to say no, I’m coming with you. There weren’t even crickets. ** No one was guarding the back of the Safeway.

He was able to hoist himself up on the concrete loading dock. Duck through a half open rolling steel door.

Do the oppos ite of what you feel. The game was over but his instincts had been beaten into him. You were cool about her though. She did bother me at first, he said.

Barking her head off. Licking my face with that fucking garbage mouth.

He said yes. What kind of mileage you get with that thing? About 30. No way. Yeah, the diesels are underpowered. Keeps ’em out of trouble. It was true.

The 300SD got excellent fuel mileage. Its 5 cylinder in-line diesel engine produced only 111 horsepower.

Spicy . In the morning I went to shit out the curry . On the toilet tank was a Kafka book I found on the sidewalk.

It said: the Messiah will come only when he is no longer necessary .First Date They were at El Prado. He had mineral water .

In a week that dog will be gone, I wanted to tell the guy. How it goes down is up to you.

I want to cut up their kid in front of the dog. Who am I now . The cat’s gone.

My mom fucked but she was a good mother. She made me do homework.

If she’d been a bum like you think I would have stayed. She posts about you on Facebook all the time. She says you’re on the autism spectrum– Yeah I saw that.

No one could ever just want me. No one could ever be lying in the beginning. Being coy.

The bedrock principle is: no woman ever wants to fuck me. Whenever I’ve done it it’s been a trick, or rape. Anyway I want to have kids now.