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fd_The_Office_02x04

fd_The_Office_02x04_0

Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Sure, can I ask who's calling? Just a second. Jim: Jim Halpert. What? How did you get this number? Stalker. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Katy and Jim met in the office. And now I guess they're like going out, or dating, or something. And, uh... I don't know! You know? They're just... She calls him, and they... You know, I'm sorry. I feel like I'm talking really loud. Am I talking really loud? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So we're still on for lunch? You're meeting me here? Okay. Great. Bye. Pam: [to Jim] Hey! You can just give her your extension. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Howard, slash Ryan, Ryan Howard is sitting in my office. And he has been a temp here for a couple of months and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. Had a few laughs along the way. And now he wants to know what I think. Ryan: The temp agency wants to know what you think. Michael: Shall we? Let us proceed. First up, proficiency in necessary skills. Aaaaeeexcellent! [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be? Ryan: Ah, well, I'm interested in business. Michael: Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a manager? Ryan: Uh, no, actually, uh, what I want is to own my own company. Michael: That is ridiculous. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ryan's about to attend the Michael Scott School of Business. I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [speaks in a Yoda voice] Much advice you seek. [regular voice] Do you know who that is? Ryan: Fozzie bear? Michael: Mmm... No. That was Yoda. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There are ten rules of business that you need to learn. Number one[/b]: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play. Ryan: Got it. Michael: And I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [to Ryan] [makes clicking noises like shooting a gun] Hey! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, and Tonto, and Bonto. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [in background, on phone] But it says no late fee... . Dwight: [alarm sounds] People! Angela: Okay! Everybody! Dwight: This is not a test! Move to the exits! Angela: Do not panic! Dwight: Head towards the exits. Angela: Safety partners. Dwight: Get up off your desks! Angela: Do not panic. Oscar: [in phone] No, I don't hear it? Alright. Dwight: No, panic is warranted! Angela: Go in single file lines. Oscar: [in phone] No, no. Finish the... Dwight: This is not at drill! Angela: Arms at your sides! Arms at your sides! Dwight: Please, move quickly! This is a paper company, people! Step lively! Angela: Go, let's go. Dwight: This whole place is a tinder box, it is ready to blow! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?! Phyllis: Oh, you say that every time. Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE? Phyllis: Oh, boy... Dwight: Do you want to die? OUT!! Angela: Alright, let's go, let's go. Dwight: STANLEY! Have you ever seen a burn victim? Angela: Come on, you're safety partners! Dwight: Move to the exits! Angela: You're safety partners! Dwight: We've got smoke! We've got smoke! Smoke! Gah! [Spots Kelly] Oh, Kelly! You're okay! I've got you! Kelly: I'm okay! Dwight: Cover your nose and mouth. Breathe through your nose. Kelly: Let go of me! Dwight: Breathe through your nose. Remove your stockings. Okay? They'll melt right into your flesh! Stay below the smoke line. Let's go! Clear out, stat! STAT MEANS NOW! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, we do not employ children. We are not a sweat shop. Thankfully. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations. Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay, guys, listen up, we need a head count. We need to count off. Michael's number one. Where is he? Where is he? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So what was rule two? Ryan: Ah... adapt, react, re-adapt, act. Michael: Okay, well, let's... . let's kind of take it a little slower. Dwight: Hey, Michael. Um... Ryan needs his number for the count off. Michael: Okay, uh, well, one is taken. Ryan: Uh, okay, two? Dwight: NO! Ryan: Okay... uh, sorry? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay, he can have 14. Marjory's not here today. Michael: Well, he needs a permanent number, right? Ryan: No. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: ...I don't. Dwight: Oh, you know what else? I thought of a nickname for the three of us. Three Musketeers. Michael: Um, yeah. Okay. That... No, no, no. I got one. I got one. The Three Stooges. Dwight: That's funny, too. But if we're the Three Musketeers... [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Stanley is the "crossword puzzle guy". And Angela has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy". [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, you know what? I am going to be, uh, setting the agenda here. Okay? Can everybody gather up, please? Important announcement. Very important announcement. I think this is a perfect opportunity for all of us to participate in some really intense, psychologically revealing conversations. So we're going to be playing Desert Island, umm, Who Would You Do? Stanley: Ooh. Jim: And, um... Pam: ...Would You Rather? Jim: Would You Rather. Would You Rather is our third game. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [to firemen] Hey guys, great response time. Listen up, I got some theories. Okay, there's a... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, so... three books on a desert island? Angela. Angela: The Bible. Stanley: That's one book. You've got two others. Angela: A Purpose Driven Life. Jim: Nice. Third book? Angela: No. Jim: Okay. Phyllis. Phyllis: Um, The DaVinci Code. Angela: The DaVinci Code! Jim: Nice. Angela: I would take The DaVinci Code... so I could burn The DaVinci Code. Dwight: Okay. Great, that's going to keep you warm for like 7 seconds. Question[/b]: is there fire wood on the island? Jim: I guess. Dwight: Then I would bring an axe, no books. Jim: Uh, it has to be a book, Dwight. Dwight: Fine. Physician's Desk Reference. Jim: Nice. Smart. Dwight: ...hollowed out, inside[/b]: waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and, in case I get bored, Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question[/b]: did my shoes come off in the plane crash? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Rule number four. In business, image is everything - Andre Agassi. This car is an investment. Right? If I have to take out a client or I'm seen around Scranton in it. I love it. I love this car. Do you like it? Ryan: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay. Thought people read more books. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: DVDs! Five movies. What would you bring to the island? Yes! Meredith? Meredith: Legends of the Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blond, Bridges of Madison County... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wow. Pam: Legends of the Fall? Jim: Wow. Bridges of Madison County, Legally Blond, these movies are just... . Pam: Well, I kind of liked Legal... Jim: Wait, wait, wait. Pam. No. Do you understand? The... the game is Desert Island Movies, not guilty pleasure movies. Desert Island Movies are the movies you're going to watch for the rest of your life! Forever! Unforgivable. Pam: I take it back. Jim: Unforgivable. Pam: I take it back! Jim: Good. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: ...and Ghost. But, ah, just that one scene... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Is this your car, Ryan? Michael: Wow, some pretty big books back there, huh? Ryan: [to Dwight] Don't... Dwight: Good shocks. Michael: Hello, Mr. Egghead! Woop! So... oh, Stanley Kaplan! I know him. 'M' is for Murder, 'P' is for... Ryan: That's actually a test prep book. Michael: ...for Phone. What? Ryan: That's a test prep for business school. Michael: Um, oh, thinking about business school? Ryan: I just got in. I applied, I go at night. Michael: Really? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: So you think you know a lot about business? Ryan: No, not yet. Michael: Uh huh. Ryan: Just started. Michael: Yeah. Quiz me. Ryan: I... wouldn't even know where to start. Michael: Come on, egghead. Let's do it. Dwight: Do it. Michael: Quiz me up. Ryan: All right, um... Why have people been rethinking the Microsoft model in the past few years? Michael: Uh... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: When I was Ryan's age, I worked in a fast food restaurant, to save up money for school. And then I spe... lost it in a pyramid scheme. But I learned more about business, right then and there, than business school would ever teach me, or Ryan would ever teach me. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Is it cheaper to sign a new customer? Or to keep an existing customer? Dwight: Keep an existing... Michael: [to Dwight] Shut, it. Can I... can I just do it please? [to Ryan] Uh, it's equal. Ryan: It is ten times more expensive to sign a new customer. Michael: Okay. Yes! It was a trick question. Dwight: Yeah, but look, I mean, he didn't need business school. Okay, Michael comes from the school of hard knocks. Michael: Okay, Dwight. Dwight: Self taught. You didn't even go to college. Michael: You know what, Dwight? You don't need to help me here. Okay? Well, you know... Maybe you should go to business school like Ryan, then... then you'd know what you're talking about. Dwight: [scoffs] Come on. I'm studying with the master, huh? Michael: For instance, why don't you go to business... Dwight: [to Ryan] You should learn from him, right? Ryan: I am. Dwight: Right? Ryan: I am. Michael: Stop. Dwight. You know what? You're acting like a dork. Would you cool it? Please. Okay. Hey! He's not your five year old brother, Dwight. He's a valued member of this company... and you know what? He knows more about business than you ever will. Dwight: Stupid! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady, Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA. So... so it's not the same thing. At all. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Look at this stuff. Market fragments. What is that supposed to be? Ryan: It's a way of looking at consumers as subsets of a larger client base. Michael: You are so smart. You are so eff-in' smart. You should be teaching me. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Pam? Get us back into it. Pam: Okay. Jim: Five movies. Go ahead. Pam: Um, Fargo, um, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed and Confused... Jim: Ooh, definitely in my top five. Pam: Yes. In my top three, so suck it. Jim: What? Pam: Breakfast Club. Um... The Princess Bride and... Jim: Okay that's five. Pam: No, my all time favorite! Jim: Pam, play by the rules. Pam: All time favorite. Jim: Play by the rules. Dwight. All time favorite movie. Dwight: The Crow. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I became a salesman... because of people, I love making friends. But then I was promoted to manager, at a very young age. I still try to be a friend first, but... You know? I'm very successful... your coworkers look at you differently. Huu, what do you think? Ryan: Maybe we should get some air. Michael: Nah, I'm okay. Ryan: I'm really uncomfortable. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: All right. Let's move on. Let's move on to the main event. Who Would You Do? Kevin: Present company excluded? Jim: Um, not neccessari... Kevin: Pam. Oscar: Pam. Jim: Um... okay. Ah, you know what? Maybe I'll... I'll finish explaining the rules. Let's... let me explain it first, and then... song: ["Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.] Think you've had too much / in this life. Jim: Yeah, so we'll get right... You know what? I'll be right back. Stanley, you're taking over for me, buddy. I'll be right back. Stanley: Okay, um... [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Dwight. Dwight. Song: Everybody hurts, Jim: Come on Dwight! Use words. Song: Sometim... . Dwight: Why didn't I go to business school? Jim: Who goes to business school? Dwight: The temp. Jim: He does? Dwight: Yeah, it's all him and Michael talk about anymore. Pam: You know, I bet Ryan thinks to himself 'I wish I were a volunteer sheriff on the weekends'. Dwight: He doesn't even know that I do that. Pam: You should tell him. Dwight: Oh yeah, Pam. Right. That's going to help things, just talk it out. I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. Pam: Dwight. Jim: What? Dwight: I'm sorry I said that, I didn't... just part of me meant it. Besides, he'd end up being a hero anyway. Jim: You know what you should do? You should quit. And then, that would stick it to both of them. Dwight: Oh Jim, I'm not going to quit. Then Ryan wins. Jim: Yeah. You're right. Dwight: Thanks you guys. I just need some alone time. Pam: Kay. Song: Everybody hurts Jim: Alright buddy. Song: Everybody cries Roy: Hey! Guys, what's going on? Jim: Nothing. Pam: Hey! Song: Everybody hurts Roy: What's up? Can I hang out with you guys for a bit? Song: Sometimes Roy: The warehouse guys are a bunch of jackasses sometimes. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: Come on people, you know the rules of the game now. Michael: Oh, hey. Game, what game are we playing here? Stanley: Okay. It's called Who Would You Do? Michael: Oh, I play this at home all the time while I'm falling asleep. What, uh... . Where are we? Where are we here? Mmm.. Roy? Roy? Who would you do, Roy? Roy: Uh... Oh, I got it! Uh, what's the name of that, uh, tight ass, uh, Christian, uh, chick. The, uh, the blond? Angela: My name is Angela. Roy: Hey, Angela! Roy. Nice to meet you. Michael: Aaaall right. Who's next, who's next, who's next, who's? Jim? You're next. Who would you do? Jim: Um... Kevin, hands down. Yeah. He's really got that teddy bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling. Michael: Well, I would definitely have s*x with Ryan. 'Cause he is going to own his own business. Roy: You're all gay. Michael: Who's, uh... Who's next? Who we got? Whooo... Ryan: [answers phone] Hey, no, I can talk, I can talk, I can talk... this is great timing. Michael: Wish I had my cell phone, but I left it inside. So... Dwight: Would that make you happy? Michael: What's that? Dwight: If you had your cell phone, it would make you happy? Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I'm on it. Michael: Dwight. Hey! Angela: You can't go in yet! Michael: Dwight, don't! He is an idiot. The man is an idiot, ladies and gentlemen. Kevin: What if he dies in the fire? And that's the last thing you ever said to him. Michael: I didn't say it to him. I said it about him. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: ...Jim. Phyllis: Definitely Jim. Kelly: Definitely, definitely, Jim. Phyllis: Come on, Pam. Kelly: How about you Pam? Pam: Um... Oscar's kind of cute. Phyllis: Yeah, I like Oscar. Pam: Ooh, Toby! Michael: [in the background] How long does it take to find a cell phone? I don't know either. Meredith: Is there anybody else. Kevin: [clears his throat] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on the phone] Hey, where are you? Oh good. Yeah. We're just here, we're playing Desert Island. It's when you pick your five favorite DVDs... Michael: Seriously, where the hell is Dwight? Hey, call my cell phone. It'll make it easier for him to find. Ryan: What's your number? Michael: I gave it to you in the car. Ryan: Um... Michael: I saw you program it in. Ryan: You got to... you got to give it to me again. Michael: Okay. Alright. Ryan: Now I have it. Michael: Uh, I better tell somebody. [to fireman] Excuse me, sir... Dwight: [coughing] Michael: Dwight!? Great goin'. God, Man! Why did you go in there? What... Everybody was scared out of their wits, man? Oooh. Dwight: [coughing] Everyone, okay? Uh, I have an announcement. Apparently, in business school, they don't teach you how to operate a toaster oven. Because some smart, sexy temp left his cheese pita on oven instead of timing it for the toaster thing. Michael: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to operate a toaster oven in business school. Dwight: That's exactly what I said. Michael: Hey, did you miss that day there, Ryan? Dwight: Were you absent? Michael: Toaster Oven 101? Dwight: You failed? Ryan: I am so sorry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll start a fire. Oh, man. Bad idea. Bad idea jeans. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I have a song. Attention, everyone! That I want to sing. That I wrote especially for this occasion when I was up there among the flames. Ready? [sings to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire"] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning since the world's been turning! Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning--- Dwight: Everybody! Michael: [singing] ...since the world was turning. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I can't believe I started the fire. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight and Michael: [sing gibberish to "We Didn't Start the Fire"] Dwight: [singing] ... Marilyn Monroe! Dwight and Michael: [singing] Ryan started the fire! It was always burning... Dwight: Eat it! You gotta eat it. You have to eat it! [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: Hi! Jim: Hey. Katy: How are you? Jim: Good, how are you? Katy: I'm good. It's good to see you. Jim: Good to see you, too. Katy: I'm hungry. Jim: Yeah, I am too. Katy: Oh, I have been thinking the whole way over and I have my answers. Jim: What answers? Katy: Um, for the... the desert island. Jim: Oh! Right! Right, right, right, come-ah on, on, on. [to everyone] Ladies and gentlemen! Gather around! We have one more participant. Come on, be polite. Be polite. [to Katy] Desert Island. Five movies. Go. Katy: Okay, um, first, Legally Blond. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I forgot what a super, nice girl Katy is. And just... good for Jim! They are so cute together. And, um, what an adorable car. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, I think the game's over... People are like leaving. There was a bigger crowd last time. Do you just want to go to lunch? Katy: Okay. Jim: Yeah? Katy: Alright! You want to drive? Jim: Sure. Katy: Alright. [SCENE_BREAK] Katy: [looking at Roy and Pam] They are soo cute. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. Dwight: Answer me this, though. Ryan: What? Dwight: Was it worth it? Was it worth it temp? Ryan: No. Kevin: Was it worth it? Dwight: Really? Ryan: I'm really sorry, Dwight. Dwight: The fire guy! The fire guy! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [sings] Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe, Ryan started the fire! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't burn the building down. Okay? That should be a no brainer. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh... look! Ryan is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.

A fire in the office leads the employees to evacuate the building. To pass the time, the employees play games and learn more about each other. Jim is revealed to be dating handbag saleswoman Katy Moore , something Pam seems bothered by. Meanwhile, Michael tries to mentor temporary worker Ryan Howard , but discovers that Ryan is more educated than he is. Dwight becomes jealous of the attention that Michael is giving Ryan. At the end of the day, it is determined that Ryan accidentally caused the fire, and Dwight is thrilled.

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_05x17

fd_The_Big_Bang_Theory_05x17_0

Scene: A corridor at the university Raj: It was a nice retirement party. Howard: I guess. Still, it's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down. Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time. Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon's got. Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There's no the logical order to eat them in. Leonard: Can't be very long. Raj: Hey, look, there's Rothman's empty office. Sad. Leonard: Yeah. Sheldon: Mm, indeed. Howard: So sad. Sheldon: Dibs. Kripke: What's up, fewwas? Sheldon: What are you doing here, Kripke? Kripke: Ah, measuwing my new office for dwapes. Sheldon: This is not your office. It hasn't been assigned yet. Kripke: Well, I called dibs at the Chwistmas party when Pwofessor Wothman twied to have intercourse with the toys for tots cowwection box. Sheldon: Dibs? This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs. Leonard: You just called dibs. Sheldon: Shut it. Offices are assigned by seniority. I arrived at the university first. Kripke: I awwived at the office first. I'm the pwoverbial earwy bird. Rothman (entering, naked): Gentlemen. All: Professor Rothman. Rothman: Good evening. All: Good evening. Raj: I'm glad that men are wearing hats again. They're so distinguished. Credits sequence. Scene: Penny's apartment. Amy: I got you a little something. Penny: A little something? Oh, it... what, this is huge. Amy: What's huge is what you've done for me. Penny: Oh, no, Amy, I haven't done anything. Amy: No, no, before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front, of all things. Open it. Open it. Penny: Okay. (Opens parcel to find a huge and not at all flattering painting of Penny and Amy) Amy: I wanted to get you something you didn't have. Penny: Wow. I-I don't know what to s... Wow. Amy: Do you like it? Penny: Do I like it? Wow. Amy: So, uh, where are you gonna hang it? Penny: Oh, my God. Hang it. Wow. Um, you know, I'd have to go get a hook and nails and a hammer and... Amy: No problem. Penny: Oh, look. You, huh, you just, you got it all right there. Wow. Scene: A bathroom at the university. Sheldon: I found him. He's in the bathroom. President Siebert? Siebert: Can't this wait? Sheldon: I'm sorry. We just need a word. Siebert: Now? You realize I'm your boss, and I am holding my pen1s? Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I'm sowwy. This guy's got no wespect for boundawies. Siebert: What do you want? Kripke: Will you tell this wunatic that Pwofessor Wothman's office is wightfully mine? Siebert: Can't you take this up with your department chairman? Sheldon: We tried. His assistant said he was on sabbatical. Although we distinctly heard his office window open and shut. Siebert: Gentlemen, there's a task I'm trying to accomplish here, and I'm having trouble doing it. Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don't mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you're interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that'll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Yeah, uh, helpful hint, trim your nails first. Kripke: Ignore him, Pwesident Siebert. I'm sure a young man such as yourself has a perfectwy healthy pwostate. Sheldon: Oh, he's just trying to butter you up. And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam. Siebert: Gentlemen, I'm going to allow the two of you to work this out because A, you're both brilliant scientists, and B, as far as who gets Rothman's office, I couldn't give the furry crack of a rat's behind. Kripke: Well, as wong as we're here, I might as well take a weak. Sheldon: Kripke? Kripke: Yes? Sheldon: You're in my spot. Scene: Penny's apartment. Bernadette: That is big. Penny: So big. Bernadette: And ugly. Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do? Bernadette: I don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face. Penny: Is there any chance I'll learn to love it? Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man? Penny: All right, it's got to go. Bernadette: What will you tell Amy? Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it? Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough. Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it's kind of heavy. Bernadette: Mmm, too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting. Scene: The apartment. Raj: Would you look at this? I paid twenty five dollars to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick. Howard: It's numbered. Raj: Ooh, limited edition. Nice. Sheldon (knock on door): Oh, that'll be Kripke. Leonard: What's he doing here? Sheldon: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea. Kripke: Cooper. Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup? Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don't want tea. Wet's get down to bwass tacks. Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship... Kripke: We're not fwiends. Sheldon: Well, that's a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman's office, and you will find a way to be okay with that. Kripke: How about I take Wothman's office, and you go suck a wemon? Sheldon: You sure I can't get you that cup of tea? Raj: How about you decide this with Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock? Kripke: What the fwig is that? Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass. All: Hail. Kripke: How does it work? Sheldon: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. Kripke: I'm sowwy. Can you wepeat that? Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors. Kripke: Almost got it. One more time. Sheldon: Surely. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock... Howard: Sheldon, stop. He's screwing with you. Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, it seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week I packed away my winter things. Howard: It's the 21st century. You can't have a duel. Leonard: H-h-h-hang on, Howard. Barry, how good of a shot are you? Sheldon: Not pistols. Minds. A trivia contest, and you may choose the field of battle. Star Trek trivia, Star Trek: Next Generation trivia, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine trivia, Star Trek: Voyager trivia, or model trains. Kripke: You have a compwete advantage in twivia. You have an eidetic memowy. Pwus, I haven't watched Star Twek since I discovered the stwip cwub near my apartment has a fwee buffet. Leonard: It's gonna be hard to find something you're both equally good at. Raj: Is there anything you're both equally bad at? Both: Sports. Scene: A basketball court. Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins the office. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon? Sheldon: Five what? Leonard: Balls in the basket. (Throws ball to Sheldon) Sheldon (dodging out of the way): Ew! Later. Sheldon dribbling ball, approached Kripke, throws it wildly at a pile of mats in the corner. Kripke: It's out, wight? Later. Kripke, dribbling ball, watched by Sheldon, dribbles it all the way into the back wall. Kripke: Time. Wan out of woom. Leonard: You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us? Raj: Yeah. Leonard: I get it. Later. Kripke chases ball across room chased by Sheldon. Sounds of collision. Sheldon chases ball back across the room chased by Kripke. Later. Ball hits Sheldon in back of head. Sheldon: Hey! He did that on purpose, Leonard: No, he didn't. Nothing that's happening here is being done on purpose. Okay, uh, forget one-on-one. Let's try a free throw contest. First person who makes a basket wins the office. Kripke: Making it too easy there, Hofstadter. Leonard: No. No, I'm not. Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force. (Throws ball. It goes about two feet in front of him.) I'm gonna need more force. Kripke: Aw wight, Cooper, pwepare to have your heart bwoken. (Throws ball up. It hits the ceiling and doesn't come down.) Do I get points for that? Later. A trampoline has been added. Sheldon tries first, ball hits backboard, bounces back in his face. Kripke tries next, with a run up, ends up crashing into the back wall again. Later. Leonard: All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It's no longer funny. Let's try something else. Sheldon: What do you propose? Leonard: Uh, on the count of three, both of you bounce the balls as hard as you can. The highest bounce wins the office. Kripke: Oh, you are going down, Cooper. Sheldon: I don't think so, Kripke. I've bounced many a rubber ball in my day. Leonard: All right, that's enough trash talk. One, two, three. Howard: Sheldon was higher. Leonard: Congratulations, Sheldon. You win office. Sheldon: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Penny's apartment. Amy: Oh, what a great movie. Penny: I cannot believe you've never seen Grease. Amy: My mother didn't allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang. Bernadette: I've got to go. I've got to get up early. My company's testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring. Amy: I guess I should get going, too. Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny. Penny: Good night, real Amy. Amy: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, 'cause she's never leaving. Bernadette: Good night, real Penny. Penny: Bye. Bernadette: Good night, transvestite Penny. Penny: Ah, okay. Let us take you off the wall. Out of sight, out of mind. I wish. Amy (entering): You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running. Penny: Sure, sure. Enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can, or, you know what, actually, you keep it. It's just going to be my gift to you. Bye. Amy: Thank you. Wait. Where'd the painting go? Penny: It's right over there. Amy: Why? Penny: I have no idea. That is weird. Amy: You hate it. Penny: No. No, no. It's just, it's a little big. Amy: I feel like an idiot. Penny: No, come on, you're not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up. Amy: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don't need your pity. Penny: Oh, Amy, come on. Amy: I'm just glad I didn't go for the sculpture. Scene: Rothman's office. Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I see why victors love them. Raj: I'm happy for you, Sheldon. But I have to admit I'm going to miss sharing an office with you. Sheldon: Oh, of course you are. Feel free to drop by any time. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: Yeah. Call first. (Pushes him out. Closes door. Rothman is standing naked behind it.) Rothman: Oh. Hello. Sheldon: Professor Rothman. This isn't your office any more. You're retired. Rothman: I think the word you're looking for is invisible. Scene: Amy's apartment. Penny: I came to say I'm sorry. Amy: Don't bother. Penny: Oh, Amy, please. Amy: I'm so humiliated. I sat there the whole time that we were watching Grease, thinking you liked the painting. Penny: I know. Amy: I was a fool from Summer Lovin' to the very last rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong. Penny: You're right. You're absolutely right. I should have been honest with you and told you the gift was too much. Amy: Yes, too much. Because our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me. Penny: I don't think you can put a number on how much one person likes another. Amy: I bought you a painting that's 12 square feet in area. There's a number. Penny: Amy, come on... Amy: If you don't like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand. Penny: Three gr... Oh, my God! Look, look, Amy, all you need to know is, you are my friend and I don't want to lose you out of my life. Amy: I'm sorry, I'm just having trouble believing you right now. Penny: Grab your hammer. Amy: No. Damage is done. Penny: Okay, look, I didn't want to say this, but the real reason I took the painting down was because it made Bernadette very jealous. Amy: Oh, my goodness, how could I have not seen that? The painting is a constant reminder that of the three of us, she is the least cool. Penny: Yeah, th-th-th-that's what it is, so... Amy: You have such a good heart. Penny: Huh, I try. Amy: Come on. Penny: Well where are we going? Amy: We're going to go put this painting back up in your apartment. Penny: Well, what about Bernadette? Amy: Oh, screw her. She's just lucky we let her hang out with us. Scene: Rothman's office. Sheldon is trying to affix paper over a fiercely blowing air vent. Leonard: What are you doing? Sheldon: I'm trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt. Howard: Why don't you just turn up the thermostat? Sheldon: Aha! Good question. It turns out the thermostat for my new office isn't in my new office. No. It's next door, in Professor Davenport's office, who is currently enjoying the hot flashes associated with menopause. Leonard: Why is there a hole here? Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities: There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out. Raj: Well, at least you finally got a window that opens. That's nice. Sheldon: Is it? Listen. Raj: What, you don't like wind chimes? Sheldon: No, I hate them, but it gets worse. There it is. Howard: The bird? Sheldon: Yeah, It's completely out of tune with the wind chimes. Raj: So? Sheldon: You don't get it, do you? That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song, which means he's out of tune on purpose. He's mocking me. Oh dear. There it is again. Do you feel it? Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky b*st*rd? Yep. Sheldon: No. The vibration. We are directly underneath the geology lab, and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey, gravel monkeys, if you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around! Leonard: Sheldon, relax. Sheldon: How can I relax? My nervous system is being stretched out like the strings of a harp and plucked by holes and birds and wind and the low-hanging scrotum of the difficult-to-evict Professor Rothman. Leonard: If you're not happy, why don't you just let Kripke have the office? Sheldon: What, and let him win? Do I look crazy to you? We're trying to think down here, you geode-loving feldspar jockeys! (To the bird) And you, the notes are C, D, E, G and A. You pick one or I am chopping down that tree! Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: How's that? Amy: Little higher on the right. Penny: Now? Amy: Little more. No. That's got it. Penny: Yeah, okay. That's, uh, that's good. Amy: I'll let you in on a little secret. Penny: Mm. Amy: Originally we were painted nude. But I had him add clothes, 'cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality. Penny: Yeah, good call. Amy: But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges. Penny: You're talking about the painting, right? Amy: Sure. Scene: Rothman's office. Sheldon has his head stuck in the hole in the wall. Sheldon: Help! Somebody help! Leonard: What happened? Sheldon: I was trying to see what was in here and my head got stuck. Leonard: Why would you do that? Sheldon: It's called scientific curiosity. Now go get butter. Leonard: Hang in there. I'll be right back. (Takes out phone and takes a photo. Sits down and starts posting it online.)

The deranged Professor Rothman is forced to retire, leaving his office vacant. Both Sheldon and Kripke fight for the office and bring it to the attention of President Siebert, who is not interested in listening to their argument. Sheldon and Kripke decide to settle their argument once and for all by playing a game of basketball, as both are bad at sports. However it soon becomes evident that both do not know how to play it, and the challenge is reduced to who bounces the ball highest. Sheldon wins the challenge and gets the office. He enjoys his new office until he finds out that the thermostat for the air conditioner is in another room where its occupant is experiencing hot flashes, the upstairs geology department is too noisy and the mockingbirds are "completely out-of-tune" with the wind chimes. Meanwhile, Amy gives Penny an enormous painting depicting the two of them, which Penny absolutely hates. When Bernadette sees the painting, she comments that Penny looks like a man in it, prompting Penny to remove it from her wall and deciding to hang it only when Amy comes to her apartment. Unfortunately, Amy finds out that Penny removed the painting and becomes upset, thinking that her friendship with Penny is one-sided. Penny consoles Amy by lying that she removed the painting from the wall because Bernadette was jealous that she was not in the painting. Later Penny hangs the painting on the fourth wall.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_01x21

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_01x21_0

[Mystic Grill] (Isobel and Alaric are standing at the bar) Isobel: It's good to see you. You look good. I hear that you're a high school history teacher? How is that? Alaric: Where have you been, Isobel? Isobel: I don't have any reasons that are gonna comfort you. I don't have any explanations that are gonna satisfy you. I wanted this Alaric: It's that simple? Isobel: Yeah. You were supposed to mourn me, and move on Alaric: You were my wife, and I loved you. How could I not search for you? Isobel: Because I wasn't lost, Ric (She takes a paper and writes something) Isobel: I understand that you know my daughter Elena and I hear that she's been looking for me. So... (She gives the paper to Alaric) Isobel: I want you to arrange for a meeting with us (Alaric looks at the paper) Alaric: You want me to deliver a message? Isobel (she smiles): yeah (Alaric throws the paper) Alaric: Screw you. You selfish bitch! (He gets up and leaves) [Mystic Grill's parking lot] (Alaric is going to his car. Isobel arrives behind him) Alaric: What do you want from me? Isobel: I told you Alaric: I'm not gonna do anything for you (She strangles him and pushes him against his car) Isobel: You better tell Elena that I want to meet or I'm gonna start killing the citizens of this town one by one and I'm gonna start with your history students. Got it? (She throws him on the floor and gives him the paper. He gets up and looks at the paper) [Gilbert's house] (Elena is on the phone with Damon) Elena: I'm supposed to help build the Miss Mystic falls float for the founder's day parade. If I don't I get the rad with Caroline but I wanted to check in first Damon: I'm doing great, thanks for asking Elena: Checking on Stefan Damon: Oh him? He's terrible Elena: What's the matter? Damon: He's just back to boring, straight-laced, off the junk. You've successfully cured him of anything that was interesting about his personality Elena: Don't forget who helped me Damon: I hate myself. Did uncle john mention anything about my field trip with the history teacher? Elena: No. I'm still avoiding him. Why? What's he up to? Damon: I don't know. But I'd love if you could find out for me Elena: I've got to go I'm late Damon: Have fun with the mystic queen, I know I did (Elena hangs up) [Salvatore's house] (Damon hangs up. He gets up and gives the phone to Stefan) Damon: Elena called (He smiles and leaves the room. Stefan looks at him and then at his phone) [Mystic Falls High School] (At the Cafeteria, Alaric is giving papers to students) Alaric: So these are the expects from the history department. For the founder's day float we'll be recreating the battle of willow creek. Tyler has been nominated at the head of the production design Tyler: By whom? Alaric: By me. I've seen your sketches and they're good Tyler: I'm not really into the... Alaric: Well, you just pick your team, be creative and... (He sees Elena and Stefan) don't screw up (Alaric is going towards Elena and Stefan) Tyler: Great! (To Matt): You want to help me out with this? Matt: Not really no Elena: Hey mister Saltzman Alaric: Come with me. We need to talk (Stefan and Elena are going with him and look at each other) Bonnie: Alright show me Caroline: Let's reference last year Miss Mystic float (She writes on her computer) Caroline: This is what they did last year (She turns her computer and sow a picture to Bonnie) and this is exactly what we don't want to do Bonnie: So, what are we doing? Caroline: Southern classic elegance Bonnie: Gone with the Wind? Caroline: How'd you know? Bonnie: You channel Scarlett, daily Caroline: So true! (They laugh. Caroline is looking around) Caroline: Where's Elena? She's supposed to be helping Bonnie: I don't know Caroline: Okay, what's the deal? Bonnie: What do you mean? Caroline: Don't play dumb. You and Elena are fighting. Spill! Bonnie: It's nothing Caroline: It's not nothing. You know this whole float is supposed to be about friends creating something together and everyone is fighting. Matt and Tyler hate each other, you and Elena are on the out and I don't like it! And I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong Bonnie: I can't talk about it. Caroline I'm sorry (They look at each other) [Alaric's class room] (Damon enters) Alaric: Damon, thanks for coming Damon: Sorry I'm late. My dog ate my uh... never mind. (He looks at Stefan and Elena) Damon: What are all the frown brows? Alaric: I saw Isobel last night Damon: Isobel is here? In town? (He turns to Elena and looks at her) [Isobel's house] (John parks his car and enters in the house. He's going into a room. A men and a women are dancing. Isobel is watching them) Isobel: You're late John: I didn't realize there was a schedule. What's with the side show? Isobel: Cherie is a little jazz singer that I picked up in a blues bar in Brooklyn. And I got the cow boy in a gay rodeo in Amarillo John: He's gay? Isobel: Not right now, he's really good to me (To the men and the women) Hey Cherie? Cassez vous! (They leave) Isobel: I'm teaching them French. Oh! I can smell the judgment coming out of you John: Well, they're people Isobel and you're treating them like dolls Isobel: If we're gonna be partners you really have to stop being such a hater John: We're in a partnership together because we share a mutual goal. Don't ever confuse that for an acceptance of your lifestyle Isobel: My lifestyle? So, I assume that you still don't have the invention John: I'll get it. I said I would Isobel: uh, you threatened to expose Damon Salvatore that didn't work. You killed that Pearl lady, still no invention. I really don't think that you're plan is working John John: Well, you being here is not going to help anything (She slaps him. He falls) Isobel: You failed john. I'm gonna take care from here [Alaric's class room] Damon: Did you ask her about Uncle John? Are they working together? Alaric: No Damon: No they're not? Alaric: No I didn't ask Damon: What about the invention? Alaric: Didn't ask Damon: Did she know about the tomb vampires? Alaric: I don't know Damon: Did words completely escape you? Alaric: No, I was a little too distracted by my dead vampire wife to ask any questions (Damon turns to Elena) Damon: What did she want? Elena: She wants to see me, Damon (He looks at her) Stefan: Alaric is supposed to arrange a meeting. We don't know why or what she wants Damon (still looking at Elena): You don't have to see her if you don't want to (Stefan looks at Damon and then at Elena) Elena: I don't really have choice Alaric: She's threatening to going killing spree Damon: Oh! I take that's not okay with you guys Elena: I want to do it. I want to meet her. If I don't I know I'll regret it (Damon and Elena look at each other) [Mystic Grill] (Elena is sitting alone. Stefan is standing at the pool table. He watches after Elena) Elena: Can you hear me? Thanks for coming, I'm nervous (Stefan smiles at her) Elena: I'm happy that you're here. I love you (Stefan moves his lips and tells her "I love you" Isobel arrives and sits down with her) Isobel: Hello Elena. You look just like her, that's eerie Elena: You've met Katherine? Isobel: She found me after I turned. Genetic curiosity I suppose. She would be fascinated by you (Elena looks at Isobel's necklace) Elena: Is that how you can walk in the day? Isobel: Katherine helped me obtain that Elena: Who's my father? Isobel: Not important. He was a teenage waste of space Elena: A name would be nice Isobel: It would, wouldn't it? You ask a lot of questions Elena: Why did you compel that man to kill himself? Right after he told me to stop looking for you Isobel: Dramatic impact. I wish it would be more effective Elena: Human life means that little to you? Isobel: Means nothing to me. It's just a part of being what I am Elena: No it's not. I know other vampires, that's not true Isobel: Your new boyfriend over there by the pool table? Stefan Salvatore. Why Stefan? Why you didn't go for Damon? Or are you enjoying them both like Katherine did? (Elena looks at Stefan. He looks uncomfortable) [In front of the Mystic Grill] Damon: We should be in there Alaric: No, Isobel made it clear we're going to step a foot inside Damon: I'm not going to kill her in a crowd restaurant Alaric: You're not going to kill her period! Damon: She ruined your life and you still want to protect her? Alaric: She's my wife (Damon looks at him) was my wife. I looked for the woman I married but she wasn't there. The woman over there is just cold and unattached Damon: Yeah, she's just given up her humanity Alaric: you see I don't get that. Stefan has his humanity, he's a good guy. And you're a dick and you kill people but I still see something in you. But with her there was... nothing. Damon: You can turn it off, like a button you can press. I mean, Stefan's different. He wants the whole human experience. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother, so he shuts his feelings out. The problem is, as a vampire, your instinct is not to feel. Isobel chose the easier road - no guilt, no shame, no regret. I mean, come on, if you could turn it off, wouldn't you? Alaric: You haven't Damon: Of course I have Rick. It's why it's so fun to be around [Mystic Grill] Elena: Why did you want to meet me? Can't be just to catch up Isobel: Because I was curious about you. But the real reason is: I want what you're uncle wants. Jonathan Gilbert's invention. Elena: How did you know my uncle? Isobel: I used to spend a lot of time here when I was younger. John had a crush on me for years. He was the first one that told me about vampires Elena: So what made you want to be one? Isobel: A very long list of reasons Elena. All of it I'm sure you've thought about Elena: No Isobel: That was your first lie. It's inevitable, you're going to get old Stefan won't. (Elena looks at Stefan. He seems sad).Forever doesn't last very long when you're human Elena: I'm sorry but I don't have what you're looking for (She gets up but Isobel catches her arm and forces her to sit down) Isobel: Sit down (Stefan is going towards them) and tell your boyfriend to walk away. I want the invention Elena: I don't have it Isobel: I know that but Damon does and you're going get it for me Elena: He's not going to give it to me Isobel: Then the blood will be on your hands (She gets up and leaves) Isobel: It was nice meeting you Elena (Elena cries. Stefan is going toward her. Bonnie arrives; Elena gets up and looks at her. Stefan arrives behind Elena. Elena looks at him and then looks at Bonnie. Bonnie looks at Stefan and leaves. [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is on the phone with Anna) Jeremy: Hey Anna. Where are you? What's up? Uh... Give me a call when you get this (Jeremy hangs up the phone) Jenna: How is Anna? I like that girl, she has fire Jeremy: I don't know. She won't return my call (John enters in the kitchen) John: Girls trouble? Jeremy: No, no trouble. Anna just owes me a call, that's all John: Is that the girl that I show you at the founder's pageant? You two are getting hot and heavy. When was the last time you saw her? Jeremy: Why? John: I was just making conversation. No one else in this house likes me. At least I can talk to you especially if you need someone to talk to about girls Jenna: Oh please! I'm eating (Jenna leaves the kitchen) John: So seriously, how well do you know Anna? Jeremy: I know Anna extremely well John: I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I'm here to answer any questions that you have, to help you in any way I can Jeremy: Why? John: Because your dad would want me too Jeremy: I'm good (Jeremy leaves the kitchen) [Isobel's house] (Damon is shirtless. His playing strip poker with Cherie) Damon: Oh Oh Cherie, you won again. I hope I'm wearing my good underwear (Damon gets up and begins to remove his belt. Isobel arrives) Isobel: And it's just one blast from the past after another. No, no, no (Damon closes his fly) Isobel: Degage Cherie (Cherie gets up and leaves the room) Damon: It's good to see you Isobel. I was just having fun with your little mignon Isobel: How did you find me? (Damon comes towards Isobel) Damon: Search for the neighborhood bank closures and found the most expensive one Isobel: Oh I should have known. You're the one who taught me that. What are you really doing here? Damon: Well you caused quite a stub when you blew into town. So, everyone except me were a little hurt Isobel: I'm so sorry. Did you bring the device? Damon: What are you doing with John Gilbert? Isobel: We dated a few times when we were young. He was a little bit in love with me Damon: I'm sure. One of the many. Now, this little invention what do you want with it? Isobel: Oh, me personally? I don't want anything with it. I'm just doing what I'm told. You know Damon we are one the same side (Damon takes Isobel's face in his hands) Damon: Oh yeah? What side is that? Isobel: Katherine's. she wants John Gilbert to have the device and I think that you know that she's not happy when she doesn't get what she wants Damon: Why are you doing her dirty work? Isobel: Don't kill the messenger. We both know that you can't control Katherine. She does what she wants Damon: So do I Isobel: Oh really Damon? You do? What we should do know? (They begin to kiss each other. Damon slams her on the floor) Damon: Now that I have your attention, listen up. You do not come into my town; threaten the people I care about. Going after Elena? Bad move. You leave her alone or I will rip you to bits because I do believe in killing the messenger. You know why? Because it sends a message. Katherine wants something from me? You tell that little bitch to come get it herself [Gilbert's house] (Elena is going down the stairs. Someone is knocking on the door. She opens the door. It's Bonnie) Elena: Hey Bonnie: Hey. I couldn't sleep last night. You were obviously upset about something and I just walked away. It's not me. That can't be us. You're my friend Elena. If you need me I'm here for you and I'm sorry I couldn't show you that yesterday Elena: I met my birth mother Bonnie: Oh. Was it... Are you okay? (Elena cries. Bonnie embraces her) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Matt is building the float. Tyler arrives) Tyler: Hey man. So Caroline told me you've been on your own for the past two weeks. Is everything okay? Matt: You're asking me about my mom. Seriously? Look, why don't you just give her a call to know when she goes back to town? Tyler: Dude, that's not what I meant okay? I'm just trying to... I don't know what to say Matt: Good men, don't say anything. You're a dick, end of the story Tyler: I know (Matt leaves) whatever [Mystic fall's high school class room] (Bonnie is leafing through Emily's spell book. Elena enters the room) Bonnie: Hey! Thanks for meeting me. I wanted you to see this Elena: Is that Emily's spell book? Bonnie: I've been going through it since grams died. Check this out (Bonnie shows her the book) Elena: That's the vampire compass Bonnie: Yeah, according to Emily, Jonathan Gilbert never actually succeeded in inventing anything. Emily secretly spelled them all with magic. Compass, rings and the mystery device you told me about (She shows her a page from the book. The device is designed) Elena: Yeah that's it. Well, a part of it. Damon only has one piece Bonnie: Emily preached her loyalty to Katherine. But she couldn't stand by and watch innocent people get killed. This was the only way she could think of to help. To let Jonathan Gilbert believe that he'd actually invented these devices Elena: That it say what it does? (Bonnie reads the page) Bonnie: Are you sure this is what Isobel wants? Elena: Yeah I'm sure. Why? Bonnie: This is a weapon against vampires (Elena is surprised) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Jeremy is walking and sees Elena) Jeremy: Elena! Elena: Hey, have you seen Stefan? I need to find him Jeremy: No, not lately. Listen, do you have a second? Elena: Yeah. What's up? What's going on? Jeremy: Well, it's Anna. I've left her all this messages but she hasn't answer back to me, not even a text Elena: Anna? I didn't know that you guys were still friends Jeremy: We're more than friends. Look, something could be seriously wrong and if you know anything you've got to tell me Elena: I haven't talk to her, Jer Jeremy: Are you lying to me right now? Elena: Why do you say that? Jeremy: 'Cause that's what you do. Lying. You lie about everything. I know what Anna is and I know that you know. So tell me, do you have any idea where she is? Elena: No, but Jer... Jeremy wait! (She turns out and falls into Isobel) Elena: Isobel. What are you doing here? Isobel: I'm your mother Elena. I want to be more involved in your life Elena: I don't want you in my life Isobel: I understand that. You've already have a lot of people that you care about but I've been studying. Let's see if I got this right. (She looks at bonnie) Isobel: There is the witchy best friend, Bonnie. Gonna stay away from that one (She looks at Jeremy) Isobel: oh... sad little brother Jeremy (She watches Caroline) Isobel: And there's Caroline... upknocious Caroline. I got all of my info from her by the way. She had no idea who I was and she wouldn't stop piping. Oh... (She looks at Matt) Isobel: And there's Matt, friend, ex piapy future ex. Lots of connection there Elena: Matt is not involved in this Isobel: He's involved with you isn't he? Elena: Look, you shouldn't be here. You need to leave Isobel: No, I have some friends here too. Look, you see that man over here, standing next to Matt by the Float? His name is frank, he's very handsome and he's also quite handy and he'd noticed that the aces are rusted which is very dangerous. So, all you have to do is apply a little bit of pressure and... Elena: No! (Frank jumps on the trailer above Matt. Matt Is stucked) Matt: get this trailer! Come on guys help me! (Tyler rushes to help him with some friends. They try to remove the trailer. Stefan arrives to help. They remove the trailer. Matt can go out. Caroline rushes to see Matt) Stefan: Caroline, call an ambulance Elena: Why are you doing this? Isobel: I show you how easy it is to hurt the people that you care about Elena: And you're doing this just because Jonathan Gilbert's invention? Isobel: End it over and all we'll be stop Elena: I told you, Damon is not giving it to me Isobel: I think that you underestimate how much Damon cares about you Elena: He'll kill you before he gives it up Isobel: Is that before or after I kill your brother Jeremy? (Elena turns to see Jeremy. He has disappeared) Elena: Jeremy? (Stefan looks at her) Elena: Jeremy?! (Elena looks everywhere. Isobel is gone too) Caroline: The ambulance is saying in 15-20 minutes Tyler: I have my car. I can take him to the hospital Matt: Caroline can take me Caroline: I didn't drive Matt: I'll wait. Its fine Caroline: You will not wait okay?! You need to see a doctor, Tyler is driving. End of story Tyler: I'll get my car (Matt looks at Caroline) [Isobel's house] (John arrives. He enters in the house. There's a lot of suitcase in the entry) John: I see you're packing. It's a good sign Isobel: It won't be long now John: Did you get the missing piece? Where is it? Isobel: I don't have it yet John: Then, why did you call me there? (Isobel is going in another room. John follows her) Isobel: Because I have the next best thing (Isobel enters the room. Jeremy is in the room. Cherie and Franc are around him) John: What the hell are you doing? Isobel: Getting what I want John: Yeah but he is my nephew and you're going let him go right this second! Isobel: That goddy ring on your finger, comes off John: Come on Isobel, I know you okay? It's me John. You can't hurt a kid Isobel: I'll kill him to prove you're wrong John: Really? Are you that far gone? Look, I know you've changed but the old Isobel is somewhere in there isn't she? Come on let him go Isobel (to her mignons): Faites le souffrir (Cherie and Franck beat him and throw him on the floor. Isobel catch his hand and remove his ring) Isobel: Nice try. We'll see how you do without this (Isobel leaves the room. Jeremy look at John, he's on the floor, bleeding) [Alaric's class room] Bonnie: Where is the device? Stefan: Damon has it. He's going to be difficult to resonate Elena: We'll go to him, I'll talk to him Stefan: He's not just gonna end it over, especially if it's harm for the vampires Elena: What if it's not? (Elena, Bonnie and Stefan look at each other) [Salvatore's house] Damon: Absolutely not Elena: Hear me out Damon: I'm not gonna give the device to Isobel so she could give it to John who is going to turn it to kill me. I like being a living dead person Elena: But it would be useless, Bonnie can take its power away Damon: I don't trust her Bonnie: I can remove the original spell Elena: Jenna and Isobel will never know Damon: No, I'll get Jeremy in my own way Stefan: Really? How are you going to do that? Because Isobel is a vampire and Jeremy could be dead the second you walk in the door Damon (to Bonnie): Are you even up for this? I mean no offense, you're not Emily Bennet. Emily knew what she was doing Bonnie: I've been practicing Damon: It's not piano lessons honey Bonnie: What's your favorite book? Damon: What? Bonnie: Name a book, any book Damon: Name a book... How about "Call of the wild" Jack London (Bonnie turns and looks at the library. A book flies and land in Stefan's hands. Damon looks at the book) Damon: Jack London Elena: We're doing this Damon. I'm gonna do it in my way. Now give me the device. We're wasting time! Damon (To Bonnie): I don't trust you, I tried to kill you Bonnie: You're right, you can't trust me Elena: But you can trust me (Damon looks at her. Stefan looks at them. Damon gives her the device. Stefan looks at him) Elena: Thank you [Isobel's house] (John is lying on the ground. Jeremy comes towards him with a towel) Jeremy: Here you go (He gives him the towel) John: Thank you Jeremy: What is she after? John: Your ancestor invented a weapon, a device that is extremely harmful to the vampires and we've been trying to get it Jeremy: Why? John: Because there's a group of vampires from a long time ago and they want revenge on this town Jeremy: But why would a vampire help you kill other vampires? John: She has her own reasons for wanting them dead. Look Jeremy, no one ever thought vampires would return to this town. Not in modern times, but they have and we have to destroy them Jeremy: All of them? No, there are some good ones out there John: They're not such things Jeremy: I don't believe that John: Well, your dad did. And has his son that should mean something to you Jeremy: How does my father knew about all this? John: Who do you think told me about the family history? [Salvatore's house] (Emily spell book is open. The device is next to it. Bonnie begins the spell. Damon, Elena and Stefan look at her) Bonnie: Done (Bonnie gives the device to Elena) Damon: Great, now what? Elena: Now we give it to Isobel [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Falls square] (Elena is waiting for Isobel. She arrives behind her) Isobel: Where is the device? Elena: Where is my brother? Isobel: This is not a negotiation. Where is the invention? Elena: where is my brother? Isobel: Do you really think that I came alone? (Franck and Cherie arrives behind Elena) Elena: Do you think that I came alone? (Damon and Stefan arrive behind Isobel. She looks at them) Isobel: For god sakes call home Elena: What? Isobel: Call home and ask to speak to your brother Jeremy (Elena takes her phone and call home) Jeremy: allo? Elena: Jeremy, are you okay? Jeremy: yeah yeah I'm fine, Uncle John hit his head. It was an accident Jenna: We're all laughing Jeremy: But yeah I'm okay Elena: I'll be home soon alright? Jeremy: Yeah (He hangs up the phone and looks at his uncle) Elena: You would never gonna hurt him Isobel: No, I was going to kill him Isobel: Don't look for any redeeming qualities in me. I don't have any Elena: But you took a risk with Damon. How did you know that he was gonna give it to me? Isobel: Because he's in love with you (Damon looks at Stefan, he looks uncomfortable. Stefan seems upset. Elena gives the device to Isobel) Elena (long pause): Thank you Isobel: For what? Elena: For being such a monumental disappointment. It keeps the memory of my real mother perfectly intact Isobel: Goodbye, Elena. As long as you have a Salvatore on each arm, you're doomed. Katherine was smart. She got out. But we all know that you're not Katherine (Isobel looks at her and leaves. Stefan embraces her. She looks at Damon. Then, Stefan looks at Damon. He cast down and leaves. Stefan looks at him) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy left a vocal message to Anna. Elena enters in Jeremy's room) Elena: Jeremy we need to talk about all this Jeremy: No, we really don't Elena: I don't know what Anna told you but there things you need to know Jeremy: Yeah? Because I'm pretty sure that your journal covered it Elena: you read my journal? Jeremy: And save me the speech about invasion of privacy because I read a section about Damon racing my memory about what happened to Vicky Elena: Jeremy, please, you don't understand. The night that Vicky died, it was like mom and dad died all over again. It was all over your face and it hurt so much to see you like this. I just wanted to take away your pain. I'm so sorry Jeremy: Get out! Elena: No Jeremy Jeremy: Elena! Just get out! Please (She leaves and then she turns) Elena: Jeremy, please... (He closes the door on her face) [Mystic Fall's high school] (Alaric is in an empty school hallway. Isobel is waiting for him) Alaric: What do you want? Isobel: I totally get it, you, here as an history teacher. It's good Alaric: What the hell are you doing? You act like you don't care but yet you're here hunting me down Isobel: I'm leaving. I just thought I said goodbye Alaric: It haven't bother you the first time so why now? Isobel: You hate me. Good Alaric: Does it make it easier for you? I mean what is the whole point of this exercise? Isobel: What did you expect? You spent all this time trying to track me down. What do you think you would find? Alaric: The woman who gave me this (He shows her the ring). I mean you act like you don't care but you care enough to protect me after you're left Isobel: I was a different person back then Alaric: Right! And that person is gone. The woman that I married, the woman I loved, she's just... she's gone (He removes his ring and throws it to her) Alaric: You expect me to believe that? (He throws the vervain on the floor) Isobel: What are you doing? Alaric: Well, I'm ring free, I'm vervain free. So, kill me or compel me because I don't believe it. Not for a second (Isobel pushes him against the wall) Isobel: I wanted this, I needed this and I'm going to regret it forever. This was my mistake, not yours (She compels him) Isobel: You're not going to remember this. I left you, I did and when I'm think about what I gave up it hurts. But now your heart is free of me, it's easier this way. Goodbye Rick (She puts the ring on his finger. She touches his face and leaves) [Gilbert's house] (Jeremy is going to bed. Anna appears) Jeremy: Anna? What are you doing here? Anna (crying): my mother. She's dead Jeremy: What? Anna: She was killed Jeremy: Oh my god Anna. Hey I'm so sorry Anna: I know I'm not supposed to be here but I don't have anywhere else to go (He embraces her) Jeremy: It's okay [Salvatore's house] (Damon is pouring himself a glass of scotch. Stefan arrives) Damon: Would you like one? Say it, whatever I is purge, get it out Stefan: It's about what Isobel said Damon: What about? Stefan: Well, I know Elena and you have bounded and I know she cares about you and... I know you care about her Damon: Well, this is going in an interesting direction Stefan: I'm just concerned about Elena being hurt. She considers you a friend Damon: Same here, Elena is a very good friend. Actually, she might qualifies my only... friend. Is that a problem? Stefan: So, at the risk of sounding like uh... like a jealous boyfriend Damon: Oh, there's no risk, you do Stefan: History won't be repeating itself where Elena is concerned. Do you understand what I'm saying? Damon: Sure (Stefan runs toward him) Stefan: Do you understand? Damon: Whatever you say man, I mean we're just friends and as a friend I wasn't looking forward to tell her the truth anyway so I let you do it Stefan: What truth? Damon: About John. Because I know you guys don't like to keep secrets from each other Stefan: What are you talking about? Damon: Am I the only one around here who has the ability to put everything together? Isobel! Hello? She dated John when she was 15; she gets pregnant and ends up in the doctor's office of John's brother. Now, what do you think John's role is in all this? I mean, go ahead, and think about it, I'm waiting. Did you get it? Is there in? Stefan: So you think that John is Elena's father? Damon: Ding, ding, ding! Stefan: what proof do you have? Damon: I don't need any proof, that's a DNA test for John, Elena and the crazy one to do it but I know how well you deal with these bombs so... Sleep sight (He leaves the room) Damon: Oh and when you do tell Elena and she needs a friend to talk to about anything, I'm here for her (He leaves, Stefan looks at him) [Gilbert's house] (John is on the couch, hi phone rings. It(s Isobel) John: Allo? Isobel: On your doorstep you'll find what you're looking for John: And my ring? Isobel: Don't screw this up. You know what you have to do, John (He opens the door and pick up the envelope) John: I got it. I won't fail (He opens the envelope) Isobel: You better not. Katherine wants all of those tomb vampires dead, and I want to add two more to that list (He retrieves his ring and puts it on his finger) John: Let me guess Isobel: Stefan and Damon. I don't want this life for her John: That was always part of the plan. Consider them gone Isobel: She's our daughter, John. We owe that to her John: I know (He hangs up the phone) [Mystic Grill] Caroline: So you're not going to tell me what happened? Bonnie: I did something bad, Caroline, and I lied about it Caroline: To who? Bonnie: To Elena. I pretended to do something I didn't really do Caroline: What are you talking about? Bonnie: I couldn't do what she wanted me to do. It wasn't right. Grams would have never done it, so I couldn't either. But when Elena finds out, she's never gonna forgive me

Isobel returns to town and surprises Alaric with her new cynical and cruel attitude and her demand that he arrange for her to meet Elena; despite her seeming indifference toward him, it appears that she still loves him and that she is not truly happy with her life as a vampire. When Elena and Isobel finally meet, Isobel refuses to answer most of Elena's questions, but states that she is also looking for the mysterious invention that John Gilbert has been seeking. Upon learning that Damon has the device, Isobel orders Elena to obtain the device from Damon and threatens to kill everyone Elena knows if she refuses. It soon becomes apparent that both Isobel and John are working for Katherine. Isobel attempts to intimidate Damon into giving her the device and offers to reveal Katherine's whereabouts in return, but he makes it clear that he will not tolerate her threatening him or the people he cares about, and that he no longer wants anything to do with Katherine. Isobel later kidnaps Jeremy in order to force Elena's hand, and Elena implores Damon to give her the device, which he does. Bonnie offers to remove the spell from the device, which can supposedly kill vampires; it is later revealed that Bonnie only pretended to deactivate the device, due to her vendetta against all vampires. Elena gives the device to Isobel, who reveals that she knew Damon would surrender the device to Elena because he's in love with her. It is revealed that John is Elena's biological father, and that he and Isobel had dated in high school. John plans to use the device to kill all the vampires in Mystic Falls, including Stefan and Damon. Before leaving town, Isobel, who appears to care for Elena after all, expresses her fear that the Salvatore brothers may eventually turn Elena into a vampire - a life that she doesn't want for Elena - and that getting rid of them is the best thing she and John could do for their daughter. Anna appears and tells Jeremy that her mother was killed, and that she knows she should not be there, but she has nowhere else to go. Jeremy hugs her and attempts to comfort her.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x05

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_05x05_0

In Craig's garage, the band is practicing Craig: (Singing) Well somebody better stop me 'cause my feet don't touch the ground. I can't keep my hands off of you and there's nothing I can do- (The sound is really off and Craig gives them a weird look.) Craig: (Singing) I can't keep my hands off of you. Craig: Alright stop. Stop! Jimmy, look unless your last name is Hendrix and you've come back to rock us from the grave. No solos while I'm singing! Marco: We're never gonna get a wedding job. Craig: No. No we will and, and every cent we earn we'll spend on recording gear. We'll be able to cut our own record. Jimmy: Look the music you have us playing is lame and wedding bands are lame, ergo you're lame. Craig: No, your funk guitar is lame! If you learned... (All three guys start arguing with each other.) Ellie: Okay what's lame is sitting around and criticizing, unless you have a better idea. Jimmy: Weddings are gigs I guess. (A car horn is honked.) Jimmy: That's my dad. Marco: Uh yeah Jimmy, is it cool if I get a ride with you? Jimmy: Yeah. (Jimmy and Marco leave.) Craig: Thanks for backing me up El. Ellie: I like playing with you. The band, I mean. I've really learnt a lot. Craig: It shows. Your drumming's tight. Ellie: Not on that last number. Craig: Alright. I wanna give you a little lesson in funk drumming. In funk it's all about the AXmp. So it's like... (He starts making noises with his mouth and Ellie joins in with the drums.) Craig: Yeah you gotta feel it. At Jeremiah Motors Joey: Well there are a few options in your price range. There's this little baby right here. It's got style, performance. It's an all-in-one cool little package. Diane: Uh my ex boyfriend said I shouldn't buy an import. Joey: Well I have to question the wisdom of any man stupid enough to let you go. The man's obviously a fool. Diane: No I am. I'm the one who put his band up to play my sister's wedding this weekend before he dumped me and fell off the face of the earth. Joey: So you're looking for a wedding band? (Craig overhears and walks over quickly.) Craig: I have a band. We can do weddings. Joey: Diane this is Craig. He's a musician, carhop and shameless self promoter. Diane: I swear every other band in the city is booked. I'm scrambling. Joey: Well if it's alright with you, you could come by the house tomorrow night, you can get the band audition for you and I can talk you into an import. Diane: Over a glass of wine? Joey: Yeah. It's a deal. Diane: I'll call you. Joey: Alright. (She leaves and Joey watches her go.) Joey: Who's the man? Craig: You are Joey. Joey: That's right. At school Craig: What are the odds? Just when we need our first gig, this girl walks right onto the lot. It's like someone up there wants us to play a wedding. Marc: The god of mediocrity? Jimmy: Downtown Sasquatch go forth and play the chicken dance. Marco: So the other night you and Ellie? Craig: What? We rehearsed some more. We did some hardcore funking. Marco: You hear the words coming out of your mouth? Whatever. We hung out, we watched a DVD. Marco: Okay. Which one? Craig Intentions? How Craig Got His Groove Back? Craig: 90% of my issues in life... girls, girls, girls. Marco: True. Craig: So this year I'm a monk. Just school and the band. No distractions. No drama. Marco: Good. Well then good thing you put the cutest girl in school on drums. Craig: Maybe you didn't hear me. (Some random girl walks by and touches Craig's shoulder.) Random girl: Hi. Craig: Hey. (He walks into a door.) Marco: No distractions eh bud? In the hallway JT: Liberty wait up. How have you been feeling? Are you still repulsed by the concept of breakfast? Are you ever gonna talk to me again? Okay whatever if there's something I can do for you, anything at all, I'll do it. Liberty: You can mangle your male parts in a tragic industrial accident. (Liberty walks away from him.) In the cafeteria, Manny walks by Spinner and Darcy sitting together Manny: Hey Spinner, Darcy. Peter: Hey Manny have a seat. (She keeps walking and he follows her.) Peter: Can we just call it water under the bridge? My mother's having me on lockdown for weeks. Manny: Please. Peter: I'm not finished. (He pushes Manny against the lockers and Craig walks over and pushes Peter against the lockers.) Craig: I think you are. You don't talk to her, you don't even look at her ever again or you deal with me. Clear? Peter: Crystal. (Peter leaves and Craig grabs Manny's hand.) Craig: Let's get out of here. Outside the school, Manny is eating a sandwich Craig: You okay? Manny: Simpson's a big fan of mayo. It's like glob-ular. Craig: Are you okay in a bigger sense? Manny: Didn't you see the video? You know me, lots of vodka, little clothing? Craig: No, I, I didn't, I missed it. Okay I did, but I closed it really quickly. Manny: Please let me die. Craig: Who cares that I saw it? Manny: I do, okay? You're you. Craig: Is it weird to say that I wish I was there that night? Stop that freak from filming you. Manny: No it's not weird. It makes me feel better. Like you're my protector. Craig: What are friends for right? At Craig and Ellie's meeting Leader: So Craig tell us what's been going on with you. Craig: Well Ellie and I have an audition tonight for uh, a wedding gig. (Everyone starts clapping for them.) Craig: So I'm good. I'm feeling good. I'm happy. You guys have seen me down in the depths so it's good to be coming out the other side feeling strong, but I gotta say I'd be nowhere without that girl over there. Ellie's been incredible. Thanks. Thank you. At Joey's house Craig: Joey that's what you're wearing? Joey: My leisure suit's at the cleaners. Craig: In case you didn't know there's an insanely hot woman who's gonna be over here in oh, twenty minutes! Joey: I'm aware. Craig: What happened to you? You were all over her yesterday. Joey: I know and then I found out that Diane is 23. I'm 34 Craig. What am I gonna do with a 23 year old? Craig: Do you need me to draw you a diagram? (Joey laughs and Craig brings him a jacket to wear.) Joey: What? Aw come on! What about you, huh? That uh Ellie girl seems kinda cute. Craig: She's cute. She's a friend. She's a friend who happens to be a girl. She's um, a friend-girl if you will. Joey: Uh yeah take it from someone who knows, there ain't no such thing. In Craig's garage Craig: Okay uh thanks for coming down to audition us Diane. We're Downtown Sasquatch. (The band starts playing.) Craig: (Singing) Everybody, got a secret. Party people, getting down. But somebody better stop me 'cause my feet don't touch the ground. Everyone: (Singing) I can't keep my hands off of you and there's nothing I can do. I can't keep my hands off of you. (Diane and Joey walk into the house, while the band is still practicing.) Diane: They're almost too cool for my sister. Joey: Well I'm just happy that you were able to replace your ex's band. I guess you uh must still be reeling from that, the break-up I mean. Diane: I don't think so. Who needs 200 pounds of idiot drooling on them all the time? Nope. Done, over. Joey: And you can just get over someone so quickly, all 200 pounds? Diane: It's just the way I am. I know what I want and I act on it. Joey: Life's too short. Cheers. (They clink glasses.) Diane: Ooh gotta go. Rehearsal dinner. So not looking forward to this wedding. There's nothing quite so depressing as being dateless in a bridesmaid's dress. (He helps her put on her jacket.) Diane: Thank you. Joey: Well uh, if you need a date I happen to know a nice, single guy who matches most dresses. Diane: Well if you happen to speak to him tell him Diane wants him to be her date and to call her tomorrow. Joey: Okay. (Joey walks her to the door.) Joey: Bye. At the Dot, Spinner is on the phone in the background Spinner: (On the phone) Darcy what are you doing on Sunday? Yeah I know you have church! What about after? Marco: Hey uh Jimmy and I, we're gonna jet so I'll see you later. Craig: Wait! we're celebrating. Marco: No we're studying. You're celebrating. (Craig gives Marco a weird look and sits down across from Ellie.) Ellie: Your drum lesson, so great. I just wanted to say thanks. Craig: I should thank you for saving the band and backing me up all the time. Ellie: Well I've heard you say a lot in group, about needing people. I think we all do sometimes. (The bell on the door rings.) Craig: Manny, hey over here! Join us. Manny: I didn't want to interrupt. Are you sure you guys don't want any privacy? Craig: Who needs privacy? We're all friends here right? Ellie: Right. Friends-city! [SCENE_BREAK] At the mall Marco: So Craigs! Anything you want to share with your best friend in the whole world? Craig: I thought Ellie was your best friend. Marco: Ellie, Ellie, who's Ellie...? Oh yeah! She's that cute, smart, funny girl. The one you had a date with last night. Craig: It wasn't a date. Monks don't date. It was friends hanging out. Matter of fact, my other friend Manny joined us. Marco: Cue the romantic train wreck. Craig: We're gonna need some help tonight. (They bump into Joey who is about to buy some condoms.) Craig: Joey, hey what are you doing here? Oh. Joey: I was just getting these um... Craig and Marco: Prophylactics! Marco: Yeah. Joey: Yeah Marco. That's exactly what I'm doing 'cause uh well you gotta be safe right? Um so you guys remember that okay? No glove, no love. Craig: Ew. Outside Craig's garage, Marco and Craig are carrying an amp Marco: You're killing me man. This thing is way too heavy. (Jimmy whistles at Ellie walking towards them dressed up.) Ellie: Need a hand? (Craig stares at her and drops the case on Marco's foot.) Marco: Ow! My toe! Craig: Sorry, sorry. I got distracted. (Marco sees Manny walk over.) Marco: Craig. Craig. Check it out. Manny: Hi guys. Ellie. Craig: Uh I invited Manny along. I thought we might need an extra hand. Ellie: Yeah very practical roadie costume. At the wedding, everything is being set up Craig: Why, why must they be so hot? Marco: Uh you're not supposed to find your friends hot. Craig: It's not my fault. I'm not the one who showed up looking like that! Marco: What? You said you were gonna be a monk. Craig: The monk is tired of the monastery okay? The monastic life just wasn't for him and now I have no idea what to do. (Ellie is setting things up and Manny is checking her makeup.) Ellie: Hey if you're here to do things, you should do things. Manny: There's nothing else to do, unless... (She pulls out the tambourine.) Manny: Craig loves my tambourine. Ellie: Yeah. We don't need any low rent pop tarts in our band. Manny: Well they do say there should be at least one attractive girl in every band. (She flips her hair and walks away as Jimmy watches in amusement.) Ellie: Oh you're not calling me ugly! During the wedding reception Diane: Girls, this is Joey. Joey these are my friends, Mia and Catherine. Friend 1: Hi. Diane: Joey has his own business. Joey: Yeah I'm a sales representative for previously loved vehicles. (He and Diane laugh as the two girls look at him weirdly.) Joey: I'm a used car salesman. Uh you might have seen my commercial. Give you the shirt off my back? (He pretends to rip his shirt off while Diane laughs and her friends give him a weird look, then start laughing.) Friend 1: Oh my god. You so had us going there for a second. The guy in the Jeremiah Motors ad is so cheese-ball. Craig: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We're Downtown Sasquatch. Diane: Let's dance. Joey: Oh no, no. Diane: Come on. It'll be fun! Joey: You really don't want to see me dance! Craig: (Singing) Everybody, got a secret. Party people getting down. Well somebody better stop me 'cause my feet don't touch the ground. (Joey starts dancing wildly and Diane sees her friends laughing at them.) Diane: Relax. Dance with me. Joey: These are some of my best moves! Yeah that's right. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Everyone in the band: (Singing) I can't keep my hands off of you and there's nothing I can do. I can't keep my hands off of you. Craig: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jimmy Brooks. (Jimmy goes into a guitar solo and Craig walks over to Manny.) Craig: Come on. Manny: I can't. I can't! Craig: Come on! (Manny starts dancing on the stage (maybe she can become an exotic dancer when she's older since she already has experience taking off her top!) and Ellie rolls her eyes) Diane: You are a dancing machine Mr. Jeremiah and you are wearing me out. Joey: My dad's name is Mr. Jeremiah. Diane: I'm parched. Joey: Well then, why don't I get us a drink. I'll be right back. (He kisses her on the cheek and she fans herself as he walks over to the bar.) Joey: Hi can I get two red wines please? Uh no wait! Whiskey sours are hipper. Two whiskey sours. (Joey sees Diane's friends and overhears them talking about him.) Friend 2: Unless Diane's rebounding majorly, I don't see any excuse. Friend 1: I was trying to come up with a way to describe his dancing and all I could think of was spastic donkey. Friend 2: What's up with that donkey? He's totally robbing the cradle. Friend 1: No Diane is totally robbing the grave. Joey: Uh Diane I'm not feeling well. Um it just, it came on suddenly. Diane: Did you catch something? Joey: Thank you for the dance. (He kisses her cheek and leaves.) Everyone in the band: (Singing) Step on down. Move it all around. Shake your body to this funky sound. Step on down. Move it all around. Shake you body to this funky sound. Listen to me. It's so easy. Get together... (Ellie throws a drumstick at Manny and the music stops.) Manny: Did you just throw a drumstick at my head? Ellie: You could feel it through all that hairspray? Amazing! Craig: Uh we apologize. We're experiencing technical difficulties. We'll be back for our next set in twenty. Thank you so much! (Ellie and Manny leave in different directions and Craig turns to Marco.) Craig: What do I do? Marco: Oh, well I'm actually too busy enjoying not being you. (Craig runs off after Ellie.) Craig: Ellie wait! What the hell's going on?! Ellie: You tell me! You're the one who called her. You're the one who sat there drooling over her all night like some perv! And this, this isn't me okay? I don't dress up. Craig: I'm flattered...? Ellie: Don't be! This is for the gig. This doesn't mean anything. Craig: Ellie. We do group together. You've seen me down in the gutter. Lower than low. Lower than I want anyone else to see me. That's why you're my friend. My really good friend. Ellie: So glad I can be there for you. (She starts walking away.) Craig: Ellie! Ellie: Bye. See you in group. At Joey's house Craig: Hey. You took off last night. What happened? Joey: Let's just say the date ended early. (Joey eats some of Angie's food.) Angie: Hey that's mine! Joey: How was the gig? Craig: Let's just say the gig ended early. (They hear the doorbell ring.) Craig: I'll tell you about it later. Joey: Diane. What are you doing here? Diane: In your rush to bail last night you forgot your hideous favour. (Joey laughs and she hands him the wedding favour.) Diane: Don't laugh. I spent weeks making those nasty things. Joey: This is pretty hideous. It's uh almost as bad as me on the dance floor. Diane: Joey I like the way you dance. Joey: Diane I feel the need to remind you that I'm a 34 year old single dad who owns a used car lot. I have a house I don't even own... (She leans in and kisses him.) Diane: And I'm a 23 year old girl who's tired of dating boys. A girl who wants a cute, sweet, dependable guy who really makes her laugh. A girl who also makes a killer Florentine omelette. Can I come in? (She walks in and Joey smiles.) Outside Emma's house, Manny is wearing her pyjamas looking at a magazine Manny: As if it wasn't embarrassing enough last night now you have to see me with my jammies on. I'm sorry I ruined your gig. Craig: The Squatch isn't cut out for weddings. Funerals maybe. Manny: Despite the freak show, I had fun. It was nice of you to invite me. Craig: I had ulterior motives. Ever since that video came out things have sucked for you, so I wanted to cheer you up, make you smile again. Manny: What are friends for right? (Craig leans in and starts kissing her.) Scenes for next week Jimmy: (To the camera) They say I'm gonna be a basketball star after all, so why do I keep blowing it? Announcer: The national wheelchair sports association likes a competitive edge. (Jimmy is shown playing wheelchair basketball.) Scout: Tryouts are Wednesday. (Jimmy shakes hands with the scout.) Jimmy: Thank you. Voiceover: Jimmy the athlete is back and Jimmy the artist is emerging. Ellie: (Looking at his drawings) These are really good. Voiceover: Is there room for both? Jimmy: (To Hazel) I've changed.

Downtown Sasquatch has a wedding gig, and Craig decides to put all of his focus on the music, but things get complicated when Manny and Ellie vie for Craig's attention. Meanwhile, Joey has a date with the bride's sister but wonders if he's too old for her when he overhears her friends gossiping about him.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_08x07

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_08x07_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] XCU: THE TIP OF A KNIFE AS IT CUTS THROUGH A STITCH (The same knife tip pulls the thread through the material. Another stitch is cut.) REVEAL - SARA Sara sits in the dark locker room as she works on removing the stitching. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WLVU - COURTYARD - NIGHT] (The campus courtyard is crowded with people headed toward the dorms. Loud music plays.) PULL BACK INTO - [INT. DORM ROOM - NIGHT] (The party is in progress, music blares and the frat boys with plastic cups in their hands chant loudly.) Frat Boys: (shouting) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! (The boys are in their dorm room cheering another boy standing on his head on a keg and drinking beer.) Frat Boys: (shouting) Yeah! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! (The chanting continues. The frat boy standing on his head has his sneakered feet up against the ceiling. He stomps his foot in time to the chanting.) Frat Boys: (shouting) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink ... ! (CAMERA MOVES UP THROUGH THE CEILING and up into the dorm room just above where three frat boys are standing up with their heads lifted toward the ceiling. They're listening to a woman moaning in ecstasy and the rhythmic creaking of old bedsprings.) (CAMERA CONTINUES TO MOVE UP THROUGH THE CEILING and into the dorm room just above where the lights are dimmed and two bodies are under the bedsheet. The woman moans and giggles.) (The man lies back on the bed. The woman rests on him.) PUSH FORWARD through the open window where a girl FALLS fast [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. WLVU CAMPUS -- NIGHT] (VARIOUS CAMERA FLASHES of the dead girl on the concrete in a pool of blood.) (Police car lights flash, sirens blurb on and off. The place is now a crime scene, cordoned off with a large crowd of college students gathered around.) (Catherine takes photos of the girl on the ground. David Phillips looks at her.) David Phillips: Sorry, no ID. Catherine: It's okay. Brass has a line on the resident director. Monica: (o.s.) Lanie! Oh, my God, no! (Catherine looks up and sees a woman on the outside of the tape crying. She struggles against the police officer who tries to keep her there.) Monica: My God, Lanie, I can't believe it. You really did it. Catherine: Hey! Let her on through. (The officer lets Monica through. Monica ducks under the tape and runs toward the body.) Lanie: Monica! (A second woman runs under the tape.) Monica: Lanie! Don't you ever die on me! Promise! Lanie: I won't. I promise. Officer: Okay, come on. (The officer leads both Monica and Lanie back behind the tape.) David Phillips: It's the third jumper on campus this year. Maybe it's contagious. (Catherine takes a photo of something in the blood.) Catherine: I saw this documentary once on suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge, and they interviewed a survivor and he said the moment that he let go of the railing, he realized that all of his problems were fixable, except for having jumped. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DORM ROOM - STAIRS TO ROOF] (Nick tries the door and finds it locked.) Nick: (to radio) Hey, Catherine. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. WLVU CAMPUS -- NIGHT] Catherine: (to radio) Uh, yeah, Nicky, what you got? Nick: (to radio) Chains and padlocks. There's no roof access from the dorm. Catherine: (to radio) Well, the body landed close to the building, so if she didn't come from the roof, she must have come out of a room. Nick: (to radio) Okay, I'll work my way down. (Nick starts to head down the stairs.) Brass: (over radio) Nick, you in the dorm? Nick: (to radio) That's affirmative. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. WLVU CAMPUS -- NIGHT] Brass: (to radio) I'm with the resident director. He's ID'd the victim as Kira Dellinger. She's in Room 807. She's a freshman from McLean, Virginia. I guess I'm going to go notify the parents. Nick: (from radio) Perks of the job. Brass: (grimly) Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DORM ROOM 807 - NIGHT] (The door opens and Nick enters the room. He looks around and puts his kit down. It's a typical dorm room - photos on the bulletin board, posters on the wall. The bed is nearly made.) (Nick tries the window and finds it open. He looks out the window and sees the body down below. He waves to Catherine. Catherine waves back.) (Nick examines the window and finds some blood and fibers on a screw.) Nick: (to radio) Hey, Catherine, do you see any wounds on the body inconsistent with the fall? Catherine: Hang on. David Phillips: Well, there's this. (David shows Catherine the wound.) Catherine: (to phone) Yeah, there's a long perimortem abrasion on the lower back. Nick: (to radio) I think I know how it got there. (Quick flashback to: Kira struggles with someone who pushes her backward out the window. She rips her dress against the screw sticking out of the window.) Kira Dellinger: No! (End of flashback.) Nick: (to radio) Drag 'n' drop. SMASH TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [SARA WALKING] MUSIC: "Carousel" by Iron & Wine (Sara is listening to music as she walks. The background around her is black - isolated in her own world.) FADE IN: BACKGROUND [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT] (Sara opens the locker room door and promptly bumps into Warrick, who is on his way out. He drops a prescription pill bottle and her pager on the floor.) Warrick: Oh, ooh! Sara: Oh ... Warrick: Ooh, where's the fire? Sara: (sighs) Oh, sorry. (She kneels and picks up the bottle and pager for him.) Sara: "Zopidem"? That's good stuff. Warrick: Yeah, it's to help me sleep. I've been having the hardest time lately. Sara: Me, too. Warrick: Well, just coming off of grave after all these years, you know, takes a while to adjust. (He rubs her shoulder.) You're a tough cookie. I'm not worried about you. Take care of yourself, huh? Sara: Thanks. Warrick: Yeah. (He leaves. Sara turns around.) Sara: Sweet dreams. Warrick: (o.s.) Thank you. (Sara looks down and sees some blood on the tips of her shoes.) Sara: Oh ... (She sits down on the locker bench. Ronnie appears in the doorway.) Ronnie: Hey. Sara, you done with your scene? Sara: Yeah. Ronnie: Great, because we just caught another one: 425 off Craig Road. (Sara nods. She doesn't look as thrilled as Ronnie does.) Ronnie: Busy shift, but you know I like that. I'll see you outside, okay? Sara: Okay. (Ronnie leaves.) (Sara removes her shoes and puts them in the trash bin.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - MORNING] [EXT/INT. JIMINEZ RESIDENCE - MORNING] (Ronnie and Sara walk up the front porch toward the officer standing in front of the open door.) Sara: What do you got? Officer Akers: Neighbors called in a domestic disturbance between Adam and Kim Jimenez. I responded, knocked and didn't get any answer, so I looked through the window, and this is what I saw. Nobody's home, so I called you guys. (From where they stand, the room is trashed and there's blood on the floor.) (Sara looks at Ronnie, who nods.) (Sara pushes the door open and steps inside the house. She takes her dark glasses off and starts following the blood on the floor.) (The inside of the house is dark. They look around.) Sara: Blood but no body. No sign of the couple. Officer Akers: No. Nothing. Sara: Lots of blood activity here. (Sara puts her kit down. Ronnie looks around.) Ronnie: Then someone ran out the door. (A disheveled woman appears at the door. She walks inside. Officer Akers takes his gun out, surprising both Sara and Ronnie.) Officer Akers: Stop right there. Hands where I can see 'em. (The woman holds her hands up. She appears disoriented.) Kim Jiminez: This is my house. Sara: Mrs. Jimenez? (The woman nods.) Sara: Where have you been? Kim Jiminez: My husband and I had an argument. I went on a walk. Sara: Where's your husband now? (Officer Akers continues to hold his gun on her.) Kim Jiminez: I, uh ... I don't know. (Ronnie finds blood on Kim Jiminez's pants.) Ronnie: Mrs. Jimenez, are you okay? Kim Jiminez: Bad back. (Ronnie finds a knife sticking out of Kim Jimenez's back.) Ronnie: Sara, she's got a very bad back. (to radio) Dispatch, this is CSI Lake. We need paramedics right away on location. (Kim Jimenez turns around and Sara sees the knife. The sight affects Sara.) Dispatch: (from radio) Copy, CSI. Will notify. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Catherine snaps photos of Kira Dellinger's body on the table.) (She finds something in Kira's hand, puts the camera down and picks up a magnifying glass to look at it. Robbins walks in.) Robbins: Hey. Catherine: Hey. What do you think this might be? Robbins: Well, possibly a tooth fragment. High fall? Catherine: Yeah. We think she was pushed. So, between her knuckles -- suggests a struggle? (Catherine removes the fragment.) (Quick flash to: [DORM ROOM] Kira struggles with someone. She punches him. The person grabs her hair and pulls her toward the window.) Kira: No! (End flash.) Robbins: Was she raped? Catherine: There's no trauma, but the wet mount indicates that she definitely had s*x. Robbins: Oh, no condom. Good for us. Catherine: Yeah. Such a scary thing, sending your kid off to college. (Catherine takes more photos.) Robbins: Is Lindsey looking already? Catherine: Yeah. In fact, we looked at WLVU last month. Robbins: Well, at least she'd be close to home. Catherine: She's free on campus, might as well be a thousand miles away. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. WLVU - DORM ROOM -- DAY] (Nick has the fingerprint cards on the windowsill. He scans them with a hand-held device, then goes to the computer. Greg walks in.) Greg: Hey. Nick: Hey. Any luck with dorm security? Greg: Nope. There's no cameras, only key cards, but according to the residence director, the door's propped open all the time anyway. Nick: Okay. (Nick has the prints in the computer. Greg looks around the dorm room.) Greg: Kind of hard to tell the difference between a struggle and a typical college dorm room. Nick: Yeah. You should have seen mine. It was really bad. (Greg feels around under the bed and sifts through the clothes on the floor. He finds a white tee.) Greg: Hmm. "X" marks the girl. Symbol for a "straight edge" lifestyle. Abstinence from drugs, tobacco, alcohol ... (He finds a tube of lubricant.) Greg: ... but not s*x. (He holds up the tube: PLEASURE MATE, Erotic Lubrication.) Nick: Sexual lubricant. Give me that. (Greg hands Nick the lubricant.) Greg: So, pretty brave for college. Nick: Yeah, or just another way to get attention. (Nick dusts the tube.) (Greg looks at the photos on the bulletin board.) Greg: Looks like our vic was in a Goth band. You know, I used to be Goth. Nick: Mm-hmm. Greg: Yeah, the Goth thing was just an act. Chicks dug it. Nick: How does that work? Greg: You act depressed to get chicks, you get depressed chicks. (Nick finds a print.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. JIMENEZ RESIDENCE - DAY] (The paramedics tend to Kim Jimenez, binding her around the knife. Sara stands aside and watches.) Adam Jimenez: (o.s.) Just let me in. (Adam Jimenez walks in.) Adam Jimenez: Baby, are you okay? (He walks up to Kim.) Adam Jimenez: Are you all right? You doing okay, huh? You all right? You okay? Yeah? Did you call these cops on me? Kim Jiminez: No ... No. Adam Jimenez: Huh? (He puts a hand near her neck and starts choking her.) Adam Jimenez: (shouts) Did you call the cops on me?! (Sara stares at them, completely out of it.) Kim Jiminez: (shouts) I didn't call the cops! (SLOW MOTION. There's a commotion. Officer Ackers pushes Adam Jimenez away from Kim, who gets up. The officers pull Adam away from her. Ronnie pulls Kim away from him. Sara remains completely out of it as she watches.) (Ronnie sits Kim down in the seat.) Ronnie: (no audio) (to Kim) It's okay now. (She looks at Sara) Sara? (Sara heads out. Kim Jimenez is still shouting for the officers to let her husband go.) Sara: Why don't you finish up here? (Ronnie starts after her.) Ronnie: Wait a minute. How are we going to handle this? Sara: Well, the guy's under arrest. Ronnie: He'll be free by tomorrow. Her husband is obviously abusing her. (sighs) There's got to be something we can do. Sara: We'll be back for her body next month. Or his. Or both. There is nothing you can do about this, Ronnie. Don't kid yourself. (Sara heads out of the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Sara walks through the hallway. She stops at the doorway to Grissom's office and she smiles as she watches him work. He looks up and sees her. She smiles at him.) (He waves to her, then motions for her to come inside.) (She lingers on his desk nameplate.) (Sara turns and leaves.) (Grissom looks up and sees Sara gone.) [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Mandy finds Sara.) Mandy: Sara, I've got something really good on that defenestrated college kid. Sara: Oh, that's Catherine's case. Or, you know what, talk to Nick. Mandy: No, no, no, you're really going to love this. A print on a lube tube matched a print on her windowsill. AFIS got a hit. (Mandy shows the results to Sara.) Mandy: Ever think you'd see that guy again? (Mandy leaves.) CU: INFORMATION SHEET and photo on Marlon West. FLASH TO: [Various Scenes from 6X18: Unusual Suspect] (Marlon West is in his science class.) Nick: (V.O.) Marlon West was on trial for the murder of Stacy Vollmer. (Stacy Vollmer is in the showers. She turns the knob and it explodes. She falls to the ground, dead.) FLASH TO: [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Grissom, Catherine, Nick and Sara stand around the layout table with the different photos on it.) Nick: He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong. Sara: Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself. FLASH TO: [Scene from 6X18: Unusual Suspect] (Hannah West is on the stand.) Hannah West: Marlon didn't kill Stacy. I did. And I was wearing this when I did it. (She unzips her jacket to show her stained t-shirt.) FLASH TO: Catherine: Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12. Sara: She's a prodigy. Nick: She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end ... FLASH TO: [Scene from 6X18: Unusual Suspect] (Nick and Sara sit in the courtroom.) Jury Forewoman: We, the jury, find the defendant, Marlon West not guilty. (Hannah smiles. She turns and hugs Marlon.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Sara talks with Hannah out in the hallway.) Sara: Hannah, you are smart. Hannah West: But you have to be really smart to make people think things happened that never did. Sara: What do you mean exactly? Hannah West: (whispers) I didn't kill Stacy. Marlon did. BACK TO SCENE. Sara: She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice ... She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard--pre-med. Grissom: You keeping tabs on her? Sara: Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again. Catherine: Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict. Sara: I want this case. Grissom: The one that got away? Sara: We're not supposed to let them get away, right? Grissom: Okay. I'll see if I can clear it with Ecklie. Catherine has to supervise, though. You report to her. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. AUDITORIUM -- DAY] (Sara and Brass walk into the auditorium for a CHEMISTRY 101 class that's quickly filling with students. Sara finds Marlon West.) (He sees them and sits up.) Sara: Hello, Marlon. Marlon West: What are you guys doing here? Brass: We're here to talk to you about Kira Dellinger. Marlon West: Kira committed suicide. Sara: Actually, she was murdered. Marlon West: Somebody I know ends up dead and I'm automatically a suspect? Brass: History has a way of repeating itself, Marlon. You've killed before, you know? Marlon West: That was an accident. And I admitted I was responsible from day one. Sara: Kira was forced out her dorm window. Your prints were there. Marlon West: My prints were there because I've been in there a million times. Kira and I were in a band. Sara: Your prints were also found on a tube of sexual lubricant. Brass: Were you having s*x with her, Marlon? Marlon West: Yeah, we were having s*x. Brass: Last night? Marlon West: No, we had a gig last night. We ... we got into a fight. Sara: Did she give you that fat lip? (Sara notes Marlon's cut lip.) Marlon West: No, not exactly. (Quick flashback to: Marlon climbs up on stage and sees Kira about to kiss another guy.) Marlon West: Kira! Kira! (He climbs down and rushes over to them.) Marlon West: Keep your hands off her! (He pushes the boy away from her. The boy gets up and punches Marlon in the face.) (Kira is angry with Marlon.) Kira Dellinger: I'm done! From now on, just stay out of my life, psycho! (She walks away from him.) BACK TO SCENE. Marlon West: I don't know who the guy was. I had never seen him before. After that, I just ... wandered the campus most of the night by myself. Brass: So you don't have an alibi. Marlon West: I guess I don't. Sara: Well, I'll tell you what. We will give you the benefit of the doubt in exchange for this. (Sara takes out a swab.) Sara: You remember this. (Hannah walks up to them.) Hannah West: I assume you have a DNA warrant, Sara. Because if you don't, you certainly don't have his consent. Isn't that right, Marlon? Sara: Hannah, I heard you were studying back East--what are you doing here? Hannah West: Graduate school. Excuse me. (She walks past Sara and heads for the front.) Sara: Excuse me. (Hannah glances over her shoulder as Sara follows her.) Sara: You are not going to muddy the waters this time. Hannah West: Are you sure you'd know if I had? You're welcome to stay. You might learn something. (Hannah walks up the stage and adjusts the mike on the podium.) Hannah West: Please turn to page 187, the Clausius-Clapeyron equation. Oh, by the way, Professor Costin said it'll be on the exam. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Sara talks with Brass.) Brass: I don't know, Sara. It's going to be tough to get a warrant. Sara: I need Marlon West's DNA. If his semen is in Kira Dellinger, it puts him at the murder. Brass: Look, they had a known sexual relationship, so there's no evidence of rape. And I don't know if you know this, but Marlon's mother and father were killed in a car accident last year. Judge Bowman is going to be very sensitive to that. It could look like harassment. Sara: Jim, are you going to talk to the judge or not? Brass: Wow, you really got it out for this kid. What's the deal here, Sara? Sara: Marlon West has killed before. Brass: Not according to a jury of his peers. Sara: Did you have fun talking to Kira Dellinger's parents? Brass: Excuse me? Sara: Must've been a lot of screaming and crying and despair. Brass: Yeah, there usually is. What's your point, Sara? Sara: My point is, if we had done our job right the first time, Marlon West would be in jail, and Kira Dellinger would still be alive. Talk to the judge. (Sara leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Henry Andrews shares his findings with Catherine and Nick.) Henry Andrews: HPLC found high levels of gamma-hydroxybutyric acid in Kira Dellinger's blood. Nick: GHB does occur naturally in the body. You sure she was drugged? Henry Andrews: Pretty sure. Started to metabolize in her blood and urine when she died. That typically indicates dosing. Nick: Okay, so then maybe she was roofied, raped, then murdered. Catherine: And no vaginal trauma because she was too numb to resist. It's possible. Henry Andrews: You know, some people take GHB recreationally. Nick: I didn't find any drug paraphernalia in her room. It was pretty consistent with a "straight edge" lifestyle. Catherine: You know, that just sounds like something a girl tells her parents in order to make them feel better. I mean, we know she had s*x. There was GHB in her system ... I think you just need to test everything in her room that she may have ingested. Nick: (sighs) Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Greg and Archie are on the Internet on KiraEDGE's blog.) Greg: If you've got a band, you've got a blog. Archie Johnson: Got e-mails, IMs, text messages-a minute-by-minute diary of Kira Dellinger's life. Greg: With the last post a couple hours before she died. Archie Johnson: What made you think to check her Twitter page? Greg: Well, most date rape victims know their assailants, and Kira was an active blogger, so I figured if she was having trouble with anyone, she'd probably talk about it online. Some people just don't value privacy. Archie Johnson: They don't expect privacy. They value openness. Greg: Whatever. (They find an entry.) Archie Johnson: Hmm. "It shouldn't suck when two boys fight over you, but it does. Drummerboy19 won't be a man. And TorchX wants what he can't have. They both bug." Greg: Looks like a virtual love triangle to me. My guess isDrummerBoy19 is Marlon. Archie Johnson: Well, TorchX responded to that. "KiraEdge, you know I never give up." Greg: That could be a threat. Archie Johnson: Let's see if this "TorchX" has a real name. (Archie pulls up a page for JORDAN ROCKWELL.) Greg: Jordan Rockwell. I guess he values openness, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. HOSPITAL -- DAY] (Brass shows Jordan Rockwell a photo of Kira Dellinger.) Brass: Mr. Rockwell, do you know this girl? Jordan Rockwell: Yeah, sure. It's Kira Dellinger. Brass: When was the last time you saw her? Jordan Rockwell: Uh ... last night. Brass: Hmm. Where? Jordan Rockwell: At her place. We had s*x. Brass: Nice. How did that happen? Jordan Rockwell: We used to date in high school. Then we reconnected online, and, uh ... I came down to the campus to check out her band. Brass: So she gave you a roll for old times' sake. Jordan Rockwell: Well, I ... uh ... I kind of helped her out with a boyfriend problem. Brass: Is this the problem? (Brass shows him a photo of MARLON WEST.) Jordan Rockwell: Yeah. Yeah, that's the guy. He was ... uh ... he was into her, you know, but she ... she was not into him. And he started giving her static, so ... I knocked the little douche's teeth out. I guess she kind of liked it, because she took me back to her place after that. Brass: Then what? I want to know everything up until the time when you wrapped your car around that telephone pole. Jordan Rockwell: She fell asleep ... and then I started feeling sick, so I ... uh ... got my car to drive home. Then I got really dizzy and ... uh ... wham. That's it. Brass: So she was alive the last time you saw her. Jordan Rockwell: Wh-what do you mean, "she was alive"? Brass: She's dead. (Jordan swallows, shocked by the news.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Greg talks with Nick and Sara.) Greg: According to Brass, officers at the crash scene suspected that Jordan Rockwell was under the influence, so the hospital ran a tox panel. Sara: Positive for GHB. Nick: Really? So this guy roofies himself along with Kira? Sara: Did they share a drink? Greg: Well, if they did, it wasn't in anything we tested. Hodges ran all the water bottles and soda cans we collected from the room -- no GHB in anything. Nick: Wait a minute. I think I know what they shared. (Nick turns and heads into the evidence room.) Nick: Kira and Jordan had unprotected s*x, right? Sara: Yes. (Nick takes out a knife and cuts open the evidence box.) Nick: That means ... they both came in contact ... with this. (He holds up the bag with the lubricant tube.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAYOUT ROOM - DAY] (Hodges shares his findings with Nick and Sara. They stand around the table with the photos on it.) Hodges: Kudos to you. The lube was indeed laced with GHB. Not hard to do if you know a little chemistry. (Sara is reading the file.) Sara: Marlon takes chemistry. Hannah teaches it. Nick: We know Marlon's fingerprints are on the lube tube. We know he was jealous. Maybe the GHB-lube was his way of getting back at her. You know? Give a drug-free girl a bad trip. (Sara looks at the photos.) Hodges: Which became a really bad trip. Nick: Yeah. But still, that doesn't conclusively put anybody at the crime scene. Sara: There's one thing we have that does. We can get a warrant for this. (She shows them the photo of Kira's hand with the fragment in it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Marlon smiles and shows them his chipped tooth. He sighs.) Marlon West: I'm telling you, I didn't kill Kira. I've never lied to you. Not once. You just never believe me. When I'm guilty, you want me to be innocent. When I'm innocent, you want me to be guilty. (He sits in front of Nick, who is mixing the microsil.) Nick: Hey, you know what, Marlon? You can save it, 'cause unlike most people, you're not going to get me to underestimate you. I already know you're every bit as smart as your sister, especially when it comes to creating confusion. (Nick holds out the mold medium.) Nick: Open up. (Nick puts the mold in Marlon's mouth.) Nick: Bite down. (Marlon bites down.) Nick: Let it sit. (Nick leaves it there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Sara finds Hannah sitting in the waiting room.) Hannah West: He didn't kill Kira. He cared about her. Sara: Hannah, what makes you think that I would believe anything that you tell me? Hannah West: I suppose I'm an optimist. College has been a difficult adjustment for Marlon, especially after we lost our parents. Sara: I'm sorry about that. Hannah West: You're not really, though. When will Marlon be able to leave? Sara: Well, we're going to keep him here as long as we possibly can. Hannah West: At least that's honest. It also seems a little vindictive. Sara: Given your brother's history, I think it's pretty sensible. Hannah West: What's wrong, Sara? You're different than you used to be. You're angry. And a little sad, too. Why? Sara: If you want to spend more time with your brother, I recommend you invest in a good lawyer, Hannah. (Sara turns and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick puts the bone fragment in the mold made from Marlon's teeth.) Nick: It's a physical match. Puts Marlon at the scene. Sara: That's probably not enough to put him in jail. (Greg appears in the doorway.) Greg: I think I might be able to help you out there. [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Greg has THE DEATH CRUSADE'S page up on the monitor.) Greg: I found a Friend Agenda page for Kira and Marlon's band, the Death Crusade. Nick: Seems like a lot of pictures for a college band. Greg: Well, TDC, as they're called, has quite a solid fan base on campus. (Greg stops on a photo under the caption, "Marlon busted up.") Sara: Hannah was there. Greg: Yeah. Marlon must've been thrilled. Nick: What guy would like having his little sister around to watch as he gets his ass kicked in front of his girlfriend? INSERT: CAMERA FLASHES in a series showing Marlon getting punched. Kira Dellinger: From now on, just stay out of my life, psycho! (Kira and Jordan leave. Hannah runs up to Marlon.) Hannah West: Marlon, Marlon, it's okay. (Marlon stands up.) Marlon West: Kira, don't do this to me! BACK TO SCENE. Nick: So this new guy pops Marlon in the mouth, chips his tooth. Marlon's humiliated, decides to take it out on Kira. Kills her, then tries to make it look like a suicide, and in the midst of their struggle, his tooth fragment ends up in her fist? (Sara scrolls through the various photos of Jordan punching Marlon.) Nick: What are you looking for now? Sara: I'm not sure. (She finds some photos of Hannah picking up something from the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM] (Sara removes the fragment from the mold. She's in the layout room alone. She looks at the fragment under the magnifying glass, then fits the fragment back into the mold.) (She holds up the mold and makes a fist as if punching the teeth. She does this several times. She knocks the fragment out of the mold.) (She looks at the photos on the table. It's not making sense to her. She puts the fragment back into the mold and picks up the magnifying glass.) (Grissom walks in.) Grissom: What are you doing? Sara: I'm just ... uh ... taking a closer look at Marlon's chipped tooth. Look at the orientation of the fragment in the mouth. (Grissom looks at the mold under the magnifying glass.) Sara: And now look at the way the tooth ended up in Kira's right fist. (She pushes the photo toward Grissom.) Grissom: Looks like it's backwards. Sara: I don't think Kira punched Marlon. I think Hannah picked up the tooth from a fight that Marlon had earlier in the evening. And I think she planted it on Kira. (Grissom is silent as he thinks about it.) Sara: That's crazy. Grissom: It's possible. Sara: This kid is spinning me in circles again. Grissom: You know, Sara, some cases, some suspects can get under your skin. Like this tooth. But you can't let it make you feel bad. If you want, we can put Nick on this. Sara: No. No, I ... um ... I need to finish this case. I'll be okay. Grissom: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- NIGHT] (Sara talks with Hannah. She shows Hannah the photo of Hannah picking up something off the ground.) Sara: What is that in your hand? Hannah West: I think it was a gum wrapper. It's wrong to litter. Sara: It's a piece of a tooth-the one that Kira Dellinger's new boy-toy knocked out of Marlon's head. (Quick flash to: Hannah picks up the tooth off the ground.) (Kira is on the bed when Hannah enters her room.) Sara: (V.O.) You had already spiked Kira's lube with GHB. All you had to do was wait. (Hannah puts the tooth in Kira's fist.) Sara: (V.O.) A piece of his tooth in her fist. (Hannah lifts Kira and dumps her out the window.) Sara: (V.O.) A little bit of leverage. And your brother's a killer again. BACK TO SCENE. Hannah West: That's a highly unlikely series of events. You don't expect me to confess to something I didn't do? [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OBSERVATION ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] (Grissom watches the interview.) Sara: I am just putting you on notice. You are not fooling me anymore. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- CONTINUOUS] Hannah West: I think I know why you're so angry, Sara. I did some research. I read about what that serial killer did to you out in the desert, under that car ... Sara: We're talking about you, Hannah. Hannah West: It must've been so terrible being trapped like that all alone. Did your life flash in front of your eyes? Sara: That is none of your business. Hannah West: You must've been so sad knowing that you were gonna lose everyone who mattered to you. Sara: Stop it, Hannah. Hannah West: Look, I know how it feels. One moment my parents were alive, and the next they were gone. Sara: Answer the question! Hannah West: My life changed in that moment. All that I have left is Marlon. Why would I do anything to hurt him? (Sara gets to her feet and bangs the table.) Sara: Stop playing games with me. (Sara gets up and leaves the room.) Hannah West: You're the one who's playing games. [EXT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS] (Sara exits the hallway just as Grissom steps out into the hallway.) Grissom: Hey. Sara: (surprised) What are you doing here? (Grissom walks over to her. Sara backs away from him.) Grissom: I was going to ask you the same question. Listen, I'm worried about you. Sara: (interrupts) That just makes this worse. I-I can't talk about this right now. I can't. (Sara leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- NIGHT] (Sara walks through the hallway. As she passes reception, Ronnie is talking with Kim Jimenez.) Ronnie: You can call me anytime. Just stay in touch, okay? Kim Jiminez: Okay. (Ronnie turns to catch up with Sara. Sara: What happened? Her husband attack her again? Ronnie: No. She came involuntarily. It took some convincing, but she's agreed to go to a shelter. Sara: She won't stay. Ronnie: Maybe not. But at least now she has a chance. Look, I did it all on my own time, no OT. I know it's not the way you do things, but I think it's part of the job. At least, that's how I want it to be. For me. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Sara shows Marlon the photos of Hannah with the tooth.) Marlon West: Why would Hannah want to frame me? Sara: I don't know, Marlon. She's your sister. Marlon West: Hannah's always been kinda weird. But since the trial ... and after our parents died, she's started getting really weird. Sara: Like how? Marlon West: Really clingy, I guess. Always wanting to hang around with me. Sara: And that changed when you met Kira? Marlon West: Yeah. But not for Hannah. (Quick flashback to: Marlon and Kira are in bed when the door opens and Hannah looks in. Kira sees her.) Kira Dellinger: Get out of here, you little freak! Aren't you gonna get her out of here?! (Marlon doesn't move. Kira gets up and leaves.) Kira Dellinger: Oh, I hope you two are really happy together. Freaks! Marlon: (V.O.) After that, Kira said she was done with me. FLASH TO: (Hannah talks with Marlon.) Hannah West: Marlon ... don't be sad. She doesn't deserve you. Marlon West: You're right. She doesn't. You want to help me teach Kira a lesson? (Hannah nods.) BACK TO SCENE. Marlon West: I asked Hannah to teach me how to make GHB, and how to get it into Kira. I just wanted to mess her up a bit. I snuck it into Kira's room a few days ago; I still had a key. Hannah must've made a copy. Sara: I believe you, Marlon. I really do. But the only thing that a jury's going to see is your prints on the lube, your prints on the windowsill, and another dead girl. Marlon West: Why is Hannah doing this to me? Sara: I don't know. All I know is ... you don't deserve to take the fall for this. And the question is ... are you going to let your sister get away with this and spend the rest of your life in jail? Marlon West: If Hannah wants me in jail, that's where I'm going to be. There's nothing I can do about it. Sara: There is one thing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- JAIL] (The guard leads Hannah to Marlon's cell.) Guard: One foot away from the bars at all times. And no contact, you understand? Hannah: Yeah, I understand. (The guard puts the chair in front of the bars. Hannah sits down. Marlon sighs.) Marlon: Thanks for coming. Hannah: The police said you needed me. Marlon: Yeah, I do. I need to know ... what I did to deserve this. Hannah: You killed Kira. Marlon: We both know I didn't do that. (Hannah looks at Marlon. Hannah: You look a little flushed, Marlon. (A bead of sweat runs down Marlon's face.) Are you feeling all right? Marlon: No, I'm not feeling all right. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS] (Brass and Sara listen to Hannah and Marlon over the speakers.) Hannah: (over speaker) Kira always brought out the worst in you. Marlon: Hannah, they're going to put me away for the rest of my life. Hannah: The evidence is against you, particularly given your history of violence. Marlon: Please ... after everything I've done for you, after everything we've done for each other, at least tell me why. Hannah: Because I love you. Marlon: And I love you, too. Hannah: No. You don't. But you will. I promise, I'll visit you every week. (Hannah stands up and looks at the guard.) Hannah: We're done. (The guard puts the chair back and leads Hannah out. Marlon is left alone in the cell.) (Brass sighs.) Brass: Well, he gave it a shot, but she is way out of his league. Sara: She's out of mine, too. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Sara walks through the hallway. She enters Grissom's office.) Sara: Hi. (Grissom looks up from his desk.) Grissom: Hi. (Sara steps forward. She appears ready to talk. She smiles at him.) Grissom: Okay, what's up? Sara: I'm sorry. I've been ... uh ... (Sara's cell phone rings. Grissom waits. Sara answers her phone.) Sara: (to phone) This is Sara. (She pauses, then looks at Grissom.) (to phone) I'll be right there. (She hangs up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- JAIL] (Sara turns the corner and finds Brass and a guard near Marlon's cell.) Brass: Guard found him about an hour ago. Said he didn't even make a sound. (Sara finds Marlon hanging from the windowsill, with elastic tied around his neck.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. WLVU - CAMPUS -- DAY] (Sara waits by a tree for Hannah.) Hannah: You need to talk to me again? Sara: I do. I know that you killed Kira Dellinger. I just can't prove it. Hannah: That must be frustrating for you. Sara: Hannah, Marlon's dead. Hannah: Wow. That's a really sad and desperate ploy, Sara. It's beneath you. (Sara shows Hannah the photo of Marlon hanging at the windowsill.) Sara: He was doing well here, wasn't he? Making friends, joining a band, falling in love. But you're still a freak, just like high school. Hannah: You're lying. No. This is a lie. Sara: His world got bigger, and yours stayed the same, and you killed Kira so you could keep him all to yourself, didn't you? Hannah: (screams) It's a lie! No ... it's a lie! It's a lie! This is a ... lie! (She drops her backpack and grabs Sara's hands. Sara struggles with her and kneels as Hannah cries.) Hannah: Stop it! Marlon ... he-he-he can't leave me all alone. (Sara puts her arm around Hannah.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Sara returns to CSI. ) Hodges: (o.s.) Look at this. I didn't think my results were inconclusive and that I'll just have to wait till I get the tox results back from Henry. (She turns the corner and walks up to Grissom, who is getting a report back from Hodges.) (She walks up to Grissom and kisses him.) (She nods, turns and leaves. SARA has reached her limit.) [INT. CSI - LOCKER ROOM] (Sara enters the locker room. She opens her locker and takes her CSI vest out with the roll of masking tape. She sits down on the bench and takes a pocketknife out of her pocket. She removes the stitching off her name patch.) (The lights around her fade, leaving Sara sitting alone in darkness.) (She rips her patch off and replaces it with the masking tape. On it she writes: GOOD LUCK.) (Sara puts the vest in Ronnie's locker.) (She closes the locker, puts the tape back in her own locker, pausing for a moment to look at a photo of GRISSOM and herself.) (She closes the locker and picks up her pocketknife and name patch. She looks at her name patch, then up at the empty locker room. She tosses the name patch in the trash.) (Sara leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - RECEPTION] (Grissom walks through the hallway as he looks for Sara. He stops in front of reception.) Grissom: Judy, have you seen Sara? Judy Tremont: She left a few minutes ago, sir, but she did leave something for you. (Judy gives him an envelope.) Grissom: Thank you. (He takes the envelope and heads back to his office.) [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] (Grissom opens the note.) Sara: (V.O.) Gil ... You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately ... INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT] (A taxi moves down the strip.) Sara: (V.O.) I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. (SARA is in the cab.) Sara: (V.O.) Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We'd been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that ... I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Sara: (V.O.) I love you. (Grissom takes his glasses off.) Sara: (V.O.) I always will. ON: SARA Sara: (V.O.) Good-bye. ON: GRISSOM

The CSI's investigate when a college freshman plunges to her death and her death is revealed to be a murder. They discover the victim had a relationship with Marlon West, a teen who was acquitted on a murder charge with the help of his younger sister, a child prodigy named Hannah. Sara handles the case and she becomes convinced Hannah killed Marlon's girlfriend and is framing him for the murder as an attempt to put him in jail and keep control of him. The whole affair ends in tragedy, with Marlon hanging himself in his cell and Hannah crushed by the news, seemingly showing that she did indeed kill the freshman. Sara burns out at the end and leaves Las Vegas.

fd_Frasier_04x07

fd_Frasier_04x07_0

Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is sitting in his chair, Niles is on the phone, Daphne is ironing. Niles: Hello? Yes, Buck? It's Dr. Crane. I'm calling to see if the cabin is ready for us. You've got the case of Montrachet? Good, good. And the Thanksgiving feast will be delivered promptly at three? Good. And the woodpile's been thoroughly inspected for spiders? Excellent! Thank you. [He hangs up.] Well, we're ready to rough it in the great Northwest! [He goes to get a sherry.] Daphne: If you don't mind me asking, are you taking along anything to keep your nephew amused? Niles: Yes, his grandfather. Oh, by the way, what time are Lilith and Frederick flying in tomorrow? Martin: Her broom touches down at eleven. Roz and Frasier come from the hallway. Frasier: All right, now, when you mist the plants, make sure that the water is not too cold. I know I'm harping on and on about this, but I know you're not used to dealing with delicate flowers. Roz: I've produced your show for three years, haven't I? Frasier: I'll leave you our number at Niles's cabin, in case anything goes wrong. Oh, yes, and by the way, I frown on overnight guests. Roz: Then you're not doing it right. Daphne: I'll leave you my number in San Francisco, too. Roz: You're not going to the cabin with them? Frasier: No, no, Daphne's decided to spend a traditional Thanksgiving with her transvestite Uncle Jackie. Daphne: Come on, Roz, I'll show you around the kitchen. Roz: So, this uncle of yours, does he dress like a woman all the time? Daphne: Oh, certainly not for work. His congregation would never stand for it. They go into the kitchen. Niles lets out a sigh that is half groan. Martin: What's wrong? Niles: Oh, just a little depressed. It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris. Martin: Oh, yeah, I know, son. It's hard. Niles: Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? [They all share a chuckle.] Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! [Another chuckle.] Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop. Frasier: Yeah. The phone rings. Frasier answers. Frasier: Hello? Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith. Yes, Lilith. Martin: Gee, it's like they're still married. CUT TO: the kitchen. Daphne has grabbed a bottle from the liquor shelf. Roz has the glasses. Daphne: If you change the paper towels, he likes the flap facing the front. If you change the bathroom tissue, the flap faces the back, don't ask me why. Roz: I don't know how you live with him. Daphne: Huh, I don't know how you work with him. Roz: Well, I have learned a trick: when he's really bugging me, I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight. Before you know it, he's checking his butt out in the glass of the candy machine. Daphne: [laughing] Really? I tell him he's gained weight. He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and I have the whole evening to myself. They laugh and clink glasses. CUT TO: the living room. Frasier: OK, you tell Frederick I said "Bravo!" [He hangs up.] Frederick just passed the qualifying exam for the Marbury Academy! Niles: Huzzah! Martin: What is that? Some school? Frasier and Niles begin laughing. Frasier: "Some-school?" Oh, Dad, please. The Marbury Academy is the most exclusive private school in all of Boston. Niles: It's a breeding ground of power and privilege. Frasier: Lilith and I have to be interviewed by the headmaster. He's got such a busy schedule, he's agreed to see us on Thanksgiving morning. Now this, of course, changes our plans. Martin: Wait, you mean I don't get to see my grandson? Frasier: Of course you do. We'll move our whole Thanksiving celebration to Boston. I'll call the airline. Niles: [Pulling out his cell phone] Yes, I better cancel our rustic Thanksgiving. [into phone] Hello, Buck? It's Dr. Crane. Take the mints off the pillows. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Lilith's Kitchen Fade in. Lilith is working on dinner. Lilith: Frederick, your father is here. Freddie runs to the door and goes out, shouting "Dad!" The three men all greet him cheerily. Martin and Niles come in with the bags. Niles has a bottle of wine. Martin: Hi, Lilith, how ya doin'? Niles: Happy Thanksgiving, Lilith. Lilith: Martin, Niles. Martin: Nice neighborhood. Noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street. Lilith: Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns. Niles, I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule. So, I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey. Niles: Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you? Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting. Niles: [unable to resist] And the turkey? Lilith: Might I suggest you stuff it? Frasier comes in with Freddie in his arms. Frasier: So the rabbit said to the bear, "No, no, I said 'oedipal,' not 'edible!'" Freddie: Good one, Dad. Frasier: Hello, Lilith. [kisses her cheek] Lilith: You're late. Frasier: Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving to you, too. Well, there Frederick. [puts him down] Now, Mommy and Daddy have to head off to this meeting, then I'm all yours. Meanwhile, why don't you head off upstairs and show Grandad and Uncle Niles your brand-new computer. Freddie: OK. Martin: Come on, sport. Martin, Niles and Freddie leave. Frasier: My God, are you half as nervous as I am? Lilith: And then some. Frasier: We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives? Lilith: Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application. Frasier: I'll assume you meant the Valium. Lilith: Perhaps before the interview, you should sheath that butter-knife sharp wit of yours. Frasier: Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that butt of yours a notch or two! Lilith: Frasier, stop. We should be focusing on our son. Frasier: You're right, of course. We've always had our differences but we've been able to put them aside for the welfare of Frederick. Lilith: And this may be the most important thing we ever do to ensure his happiness. Frasier: Not counting our divorce. The others come back. Martin: Hey, Freddie and I are gonna break in this new mitt I bought him. [He musses Freddie's hair.] Lilith: [smoothing Freddie's hair] Uh, Frederick doesn't play ball. He was just about to watch "Pocahontas" and write a satirical essay on the historical inaccuracies. Frasier: Well, we're off. Niles: Oh, no, wait, where do you keep your saffron? Lilith: Third cupboard. Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots? Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity. Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole? Frasier: All right, now, Freddie. Mommy and Daddy are going to see you're wearing a Marbury blazer or die trying. Lilith and Frasier leave. Niles: Dad, maybe you should remove the entrails. Martin: No can do. Freddie and me are gonna play catch. Freddie: Mother says balls are for the slow children. Martin: Yeah? Well, Grandpa's in charge now. You're gonna love baseball, it's easy as riding a bike. Freddie: Mother says bikes are for the... Martin: Yeah, I know, I know. [SCENE_BREAK] STOP SAYING "DOCTOR" Scene 3 - Dr. Campbell's House. Fade in. It is a very fancy sitting room. The doorbell rings. Dr. Campbell opens the door to reveal Lilith and Frasier. Lilith: Dr. Campbell. Campbell: Dr. Sternin. Frasier: Dr. Campbell. Campbell: Dr. Crane. Please come in. Lilith: You have a lovely home. Frasier: Yes, and thank you so much for seeing us today. Campbell: You're quite welcome. Make yourselves comfortable, I'll get us some coffee. He exits to the kitchen. Lilith: Thank you. Frasier: I think that went rather well, don't you? Lilith: So far, so good. Frasier: Oh my God, we have just got to get Frederick into this school. Lilith: I am so nervous, I feel as though all the color has drained from my face. How is my makeup? [They sit.] Frasier: Well, you could use a pinch. Lilith: Do I have time? Frasier: No, you could use a pinch. [He pinches her cheeks hard to put some color in them.] Lilith: Thank you. Frasier plucks at something on the chair, a long thread comes out in his hand. Frasier: Oh, oh lord. Oh, dear. Lilith: What? What? Frasier: Well, I just reached down to pull a thread off what I thought was my jacket, it seems it attached to this cushion. Oh, look, now this little bird has no beak! Lilith: Stop doing that! Frasier: Give me your nail clippers. Lilith: I didn't bring them, just bite it off. Frasier does, getting down on his knees and biting the thread off close to the cushion. Dr. Campbell comes back with the coffee as Frasier scrambles back to his seat. Campbell: Does either of you take cream? Frasier: Oh, yes, thank you. Campbell: [sitting] Then let me begin by saying that the child who fills this opening need not worry for the future. Lilith: Opening? There's only one? Campbell: Yes. Well, children of alumni and certain generous benefactors are of course given preference. Frasier: Oh, of course. Lilith: Of course. Campbell: Now, regarding your Frederick. His scores are of course excellent and I've no doubt he's being courted by other prestigious schools. Lilith: Oh, yes. Frasier: Yes, that goes without saying. Campbell: Still, we like to think we are a cut above. Our sixth grade talent show just formed a highly successful cast album. Lilith: Frederick has perfect pitch. Frasier: Yes, we often use him to tune the piano. He laughs weakly, the phone rings and Dr. Campbell gets up. Campbell: Excuse me. [answers] Hello? Ah, Senator Geiger. I thought I made it perfectly plain that you'd be notified by mail. Well, Senator, rules may not mean anything on Capitol Hill, but they still mean something to me. And that is why young Noah will be seeking his education elsewhere. Do I SOUND flexible? Marbury thanks you for your interest. He hangs up. Frasier is shaking and rattling his cup. Lilith: Frasier, your coffee. Campbell: Oh, yes, please be careful. Those chairs have been in the family for three generations. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Lilith's Kitchen Fade in. Niles is cooking, Martin has an ice pack over Freddie's face. Martin: OK, let's take a look. [There is a huge bruise on one eye.] Oh, it's not so bad. Niles pours some wine in a measuring cup then turns around. Niles: AHH! [then:] Ya hardly notice it. [He takes a drink.] Freddie: Uh-oh, I lost my MedicAlert bracelet. Martin: Well, maybe it fell off when we were playin' catch. Freddie: I'll go look. [He goes outside.] Martin: All right. I still don't know how it happened. I lobbed it right to him. Niles: When are you going to learn, Dad? The only thing the Crane boys are skilled at catching is sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus. [He opens the fridge looking for something.] Let's make a pact that while we are guests of Lilith's we'll avoid all activities that could possibly harm Frederick. Where are those pie crusts? Freddie: [coming in] Found it. Just as he gets fully into the kitchen, Niles quickly pulls open the freezer side door. There is a thump, and when he closes it, Freddie is standing there holding his nose. Freddie: I taste blood. Martin: Now you've done it! Niles: Oh, God, Frederick, I am so sorry. He gives Freddie his handkerchief and tells him to pinch his nose. There is the sound of a car pulling up. Martin: It's them! Hey, pal, why don't we go find some cotton upstairs for that thing, huh? Niles: Dad, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith? Martin: Well, I don't know. How did you give Maris bad news? Niles: Usually by breaking a tranquilizer in her Slim Fast. Martin and Freddie go off, Niles checks the fridge, then quickly steps to the stove as Frasier and Lilith enter. Lilith: Did you notice how those patrician eyebrows of his arched when you mentioned Frederick's National Science Award? Frasier: Yes. Niles: I take it Dr. Campbell was favorably impressed. Lilith: We had an initial bout of nervousness, but after that, we did an absolute bang-up job. Niles: Speaking of bang-up jobs... Frasier: You know, Lilith, there's just one question I wished we'd answered differently. Lilith: Which one? Frasier: Remember when he mentioned that Frederick was being courted by other schools? I wonder if we shouldn't have made it clear that Marbury is far and away our first choice. Lilith: Frasier, if you over-analyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It will be our wedding night all over again. Niles: Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises... Frasier: Well, you know, you're right, you're right, of course. I'm sure everything's fine. Lilith: Unless we didn't convey to him how highly we regard Marbury. Frasier: Well, you see, that is my worry. Lilith: We must correct this. [She picks up the phone.] What should I say? Frasier: Oh, Lilith, stop, stop. Remember what happened when the senator called. We need a ruse. Lilith: You're right. How's this? We go back and I say that I lost my earring in his living room. Frasier: And while we're looking for it, we casually mention that Marbury is Frederick's first and only choice. Lilith: Perfect. Frasier: Let's go. They rush off. Niles picks up his measuring cup of wine. Niles: Speaking of dumb-ass ideas... He drinks. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Dr. Campbell's house. Fade in. Frasier and Lilith are outside the door; they ring the bell and Dr. Campbell, in an apron, answers. Frasier: Ah, yes, Dr. Campbell, I hope we're not disturbing anything important. Campbell: Well, actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get my Thanksgiving dinner together. Lilith: I'm afraid I lost an earring here this morning. Campbell: Well, I'll have a look around and call you if it turns up. Frasier: Well, um... Lilith: Do you think I might be able to take a peek right now? I wouldn't even think of asking, but it was a treasured gift from... Golda Meir. Campbell: Very well. [They come in.] Lilith: Thank you. Campbell: Forgive me. I must turn the heat down on the pumpkin soup. [He exits to the kitchen.] Frasier: Lilith, we rehearsed everything we were going to say on the ride over. Where the hell did Golda Meir come from? Lilith: Well, I admit it wasn't half as clever as "Umm..." but it got us in. Campbell: [from kitchen] Any luck? Frasier: Not yet. Dr. Campbell comes out of the kitchen. Lilith: We're so sorry for this. The whole ride over, we kept saying "Why did this have to happen at the only school that matters to us?" Frasier: Yes, as you know, Marbury is our first choice. Lilith: Oh, look, here it is. That was lucky. Campbell: Remarkably so, considering that wasn't the chair you were sitting in. Lilith: Umm... Frasier: Well, I suppose it's time we be shoving off. Campbell: I'm curious. I've always been a great admirer of Mrs. Meir. How did you meet? Lilith: Oh, well, it's a funny story. Frasier you tell it much better than I do. Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Back in college days, Lilith spent a summer at a kibbutz. And, uh, was dating her grandson, Oscar. Campbell: That would be Oscar Meir? Frasier: Yes, well just imagine the ribbing he took. Campbell: [leading them to the door] Indeed. Well it was so good seeing you both again. Enjoy you're Thanksgiving. Marbury thanks you for your interest. Frasier: Wait, wait a minute. "Marbury thanks you for your interest." We know what that means. Campbell: Oh good, then you'll have no trouble interpreting this. He slams the door in their faces. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Lilith's Kitchen Fade in. Niles is cooking. Freddie is in a chair, cotton up his nose as Martin snips at his hair with scissors. Niles: You had to give him gum, didn't you? And not just gum, bubblegum. Martin: Well, maybe what threw him off is having to breathe through his mouth while he chewed it. Niles: You know, Frederick, when I was a boy, nothing brought a smile to my face like when Mother would make a remoulade and let me lick the spoon. Freddie: Thanks, Uncle Niles. Niles: You're welcome. Martin: You think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit? Niles: Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye. Freddie: Uh-oh. Is there anchovies in this? Niles: Yes. Oh my God! I've never seen hives break out that fast! [A car pulls up.] They're back! Martin: Freddie, you got any pills for this? Freddie: I got pills for everything. Martin and Niles rush Freddie off, Frasier and Lilith storm in. Lilith: Of all the name in the universe, you had to pick Oscar? Frasier: You started us down that path of insanity. Golda Meir. Golda My-ass! Lilith: This sniping is pointless. Getting into Marbury was a longshot anyway. You heard the man. Most of these openings go to children of alumni and generous benefactors. Frasier: Yes, yes. Wait a minute. Oh, my God we're such fools! Don't you see what the man was trying to tell us? He was trying to give us the way to get Frederick accepted. Lilith: Are you saying he was fishing for a donation? So you think he was just trying to see if we were willing to pay our fair share. Frasier: What else? Freddie walks in. His hives are now huge and red. Freddie: Hi, Daddy. Frasier: In a minute, Frederick. My God, it was right there in front of us and we missed it, we didn't even see it. Lilith: How could we be so blind? Frasier: Well, we should get ourselves back down there and give the man what he wants. Lilith: Right, we can't let anything stand in the way of our son's welfare. Freddie: Mother... Lilith: Mother has to run, munchkin. Go play with Grandpa. Freddie looks towards the living room with quite a bit of fear. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Dr. Campbell's House Fade in. Campbell comes to the door and opens it. Campbell: Ah, Dr. Sternin and Dr. Crane. Forgive me if I don't give you a big hello hug, but as you can see, I'm wearing this greasy apron. On top of which, I'm beginning to loathe the sight of both of you. Lilith: All the more reason for us to be brief. Campbell: Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way, just as soon as you've found the cufflink given to you by Haile Selassie. Lilith: No false pretense this time. We know that with so many qualified applicants and only one position open, that your decision must be very difficult. Frasier: Yes, and so, in the spirit of the holidays, like Indians to your pilgrims' table, we bring this little bit of garnish, as it were, in the hopes that our relationship may flower. [He gives Campbell an envelope.] Campbell: I'll have you know that, in twenty-two years, I have never accepted a bribe. I have to tell you, I find this utterly offensive. [He looks at the amount of the check.] In every possible way. And now, if you don't mind, I have guests on the way. And a turkey so undercooked, a skilled veterinarian could still save him. Frasier: But, Dr. Campbell... Campbell: Unless the rest of that sentence is "I have a fully cooked turkey in the breast pocket of that blazer," I'm afraid our conversation is at an end. He closes the door. Lilith and Frasier look at each other and get the same calculating look, then rush off. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Lilith's Kitchen Fade in. Niles drinking wine, comes in, opens the oven and bastes the turkey. Behind him, Martin hurries in, gets the icepack out of the freezer and hurries back out. Niles closes the oven, grabs the bottle of wine, and follows. Frasier and Lilith rush into the kitchen. Frasier puts on oven mitts, Lilith opens the oven, he grabs the turkey and leaves, Lilith following with some garnish. The oven timer goes off. Niles comes into the kitchen and opens the oven. Finding the bird gone, he closes it, then checks the top oven to make sure. Confused, he looks around to see where the turkey might have gone. [SCENE_BREAK] BEWARE OF GEEKS BEARING GIFTS Scene 5 - Dr. Campbell's Dining Room Fade in. Dr. Campbell is standing at the head of a table with a family of three on either side. Campbell: This is indeed a very special holiday for us all. Pamela, Cynthia, I'm particularly grateful that finally you've been able to set aside your differences and join us in this Thanksgiving... tortellini. Pamela: Well, as angry as I was that you'd admitted Regan into Marbury instead of our Wesley, it's all worked out for the best. Wesley is thriving at the Barkley School. Campbell: I am delighted to hear it. Oh, I have a dusty bottle of Chateau LeFite waiting in the cellar for an occasion like this. Dr. Campbell exits. There is silence for a moment. Preston: Well, this is nice. Elliot: Yes, it is. The doorbell rings. They all say, "I'll get it." Cynthia does the honors. Cynthia: Hello. Lilith: Hello, is Dr. Campbell in? Cynthia: Yes, he's just gone to the cellar to get a bottle of wine. Frasier: Yes, we don't mean to intrude, but we heard he was having trouble with his turkey and we thought we should drop this by. Cynthia: Oh, how very generous of you. Please come in. Look everyone, these friends of Collin's have brought us a turkey. Frasier: Well, I think "friends" is probably stretching it just a tad. Lilith: You see, our son was a candidate for Marbury, and in our zeal to see him accepted we may have come on a bit strongly. Frasier: Yes, well, I'm sure you'll understand as parents yourselves, it's only natural to wish only the very best for your son. Cynthia: Oh, absolutely. Pamela: There are other good schools. Barkley is excellent. Frasier: Well, yes, thank you very much for trying to cheer us up, but I mean, if you're looking for filet mignon, you can hardly swallow ground chuck. Cynthia: Now, now, Barkley is a very charming little school. Pamela: "Little school"? Cynthia: Now, don't be so sensitive. Pamela: Damn your condescension. Cynthia: Damn your jealousy. Elliot: Don't you talk to my wife that way! Preston: Oh, shut up, Elliot! They begin arguing. Dr. Campbell comes in, holding the wine. Campbell: Quiet! Frasier: We brought a turkey. Campbell: I don't know how this started, I can only be sure it started with the two of you. Lilith: Actually... Campbell: I will die a happy man if I never set eyes on either of you again. [They look heartbroken.] Unfortunately, there is only one way I can think of to ensure that: your son Frederick is hereby admitted to the Marbury School. Frasier: [They are both ecstatic.] Oh! Campbell: [holds up a hand] However! - he will immediately be expelled if either of you violates any of the following conditions: you will not bring him to school, you will not collect him; you will not attend any recitals, plays, sporting events, or school functions, up to and including "Frederick Crane Day," should we ever have one. [He leads them to the door.] And when graduation comes, you will dispatch an appropriate envoy with a video camera. And now it is with great pleasure that I bid you goodbye - forever! Frasier: Allow me. He slams the door on himself and Lilith. Cut to the porch as Lilith and Frasier look at each other smugly. Both: We're in! [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Dr. Campbell is sitting at the table. The chairs are scattered, some knocked over. He is finishing off the bottle of wine. Getting up, he notices the missing pattern from the chair Frasier was sitting in. He looks incensed.

Lilith has arranged a meeting for Thanksgiving morning with the headmaster of the Marbury Academy, a very exclusive school, with the aim of getting Frederick in. As a result, the family goes to Boston. Lilith leaves Niles in charge of preparing the Thanksgiving meal, and Martin in charge of entertaining Frederick, while she and Frasier go to meet Dr. Campbell, who they infuriate with their desperate attempts to ingratiate themselves.

fd_The_Office_08x18

fd_The_Office_08x18_0

Andy: [exiting office] Everyone stop what you're doing, I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us. Everyone: [gasps] What?! Why is that? Andy: He's gone, damn it! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail and he's staying in Florida forever. Angela: So, he's alive. Andy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful. Angela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead. Andy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke [slight pause] of good fortune and he is now in a better place. Phyllis: If Dwight's not coming back, does that mean we can open his treasure? Oscar: You guys, we've gone over this, there is no treasure. [Erin retrieves the "treasure box" and slams it down on Dwight's desk] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: When the team left for Tallahassee, Dwight told everyone not to touch his treasure. [cut to Dwight holding treasure chest and telling the office "Don't touch my treasure. Ok, you understand?"] Obviously he wants us to obsess about it. There's nothing in there. [has realization] Which is obviously what he would want us to think, making it the perfect place to hide a treasure. Oh god, I'm Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure. [everyone disagrees] Oscar: I am dying to know what's in there. Andy: Yeah, I know, Oscar we all are but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane. [everyone turns to look at Creed] Creed: Hi, hello. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [to Creed standing in front of the "treasure box"] Now, carefully... open the box. Creed: [opens box, pulls out and displays contents] It's a photo of all of us. Pam: Aw, that's so sweet! [dart fires out of box and lodges in ceiling] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [feigning surprise] A dart? Are you kidding me? Who would put a poison dart, well, I mean, I don't know that it's poison. I mean, I just have to imagine. God, I'm glad he's OK though. Kinda sounds like he deserved it, opening another man's treasure and all. Wow! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [on a golf course] Well, mister ball, it's been a pleasure. Now, give my regards to hell. Da! [hits ball] Nellie: Oh, all right! Well swung my VIP VP. Robert California: I am loving the chemistry between you two. Nellie: I am so happy Dwight is gonna be working alongside me. We are a regular Archibald and his man George. Robert California: I bet. I'm excited. Nellie: Trick... there's no such thing. It's not even a real English duo. Dwight: Ah! Nellie: I just made you look like the goat of Dover. And that doesn't exist either. Dwight: [to Robert] You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. [Robert gives a fake laugh] Jim: Oh, that reminds me. [reaching into golf cart] Little something from all of us. [hand Dwight a small wrapped gift] Dwight: [sarcastically] Oh my gosh, thank you Jim, that's so thoughtful. [sets gift on golf tee] Four! [smashes gift] Oh yeah! Nellie: He doesn't even care. Dwight: Don't even care! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This is the last time I'll ever see Dwight. It's a weird feeling, it's, um, what's the word? It's not, it's not bittersweet. It's uh... sweet. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [entering Andy's office] Hey, man. Selling cookies for Jada. Want the same as last year? Andy: Would if I could. And I can so I will. Put me down for one box. Don't care what it is, dealer's choice. Darryl: I'll put you down for shortbreads. Andy: Damn it. Toby: [entering Andy's office] Knock, knock. Hey, Sasha's first year in the troops, so I'm selling cookies for her. Anyway, would you like some? Darryl: No. No. Toby: What? Darryl: I been selling here for five years. This is my spot. Toby: You can't claim territories. This is the only place I interact with people. Can't you sell at your church or barber shop? [Darryl looks hurt] Or chess club, or? Darryl: You know what? It's your first time, let's split the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know I'll just take, uh, accounting. Toby: That's it? Yeah, well, ok. Thanks Darryl. Darryl: OK, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [exits Andy's office smiling] All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined and then some. [Kevin waves at him] When I first started selling cookies he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [entering a home carrying groceries] Hellosi, I'm home, babaloo. Elderly Woman: [rises from chair] Oh, here let me help. Erin: [spilling groceries] I got it. It was so busy at the store today. Really good cheese samples. I had, like, a hundred. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Irene hired me as her live-in helper. We met at the store launch. I told her I was moving here and I needed a place and it just sort of made sense. I basically do everything for her. [Erin randomly adds an assortment of pills to a weekly pill box] I run errands. I do chores around the house. I cook and clean. Honestly, I don't know how she survived without me. [SCENE_BREAK] Irene: When can I introduce you to my grandson? He's a wonderful swimmer. Shallow end, deep end. He does it all. Erin: Well, today might be kind of tough, Irene. I have to talk to my old boss, Andy, and tell him I'm staying in Florida. [hands Irene a mug] Irene: [takes mug] Thank you. [takes a sip] Oh, what kind of tea is this? Erin: Oh, I boiled some Gatorade. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: [misses putt] Ah. In England, they put the holes a little bit to the right, you see. We'll just chalk it up to cultural bias. Robert California: If I may, [assists Nellie] try holding the putter... yeah, with your wrists here. And your thumbs here. Nellie: Oh. Robert California: That's right. Your little finger. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [approaches Kevin] Would you like to buy some cookies? Kevin: Cookies, eh? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [singing] Oh, the springtime thinks that it's the best. And fall time thinks that it's the best. Cold time has, kind of a strut. And Valentine's thinks that it's the best. But gather round, peeps, I'll tell you the truth. Nothing beats the cookie season, that's the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [Kevin scratches cookie order form and sniffs it] It's not a scratch-and-sniff, Kev. Kevin: I know. But sometimes you still get a little something. Toby: [to Darryl] Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin. Darryl: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See you next year, sport. Toby: No, no, no. It's not fair. What if Kevin wants to buy cookies from me? Kevin: I do. Toby: See? Darryl: That doesn't mean anything. [to Kevin] Kevin, do you want to buy cookies from me? Kevin: Oh, I definitely do. Darryl: [to Toby] Huh. Hit the road, jack. Toby: No, you hit the road, jack. Kevin: [looking pleased] Hey guys, come on. Don't fight over me. Toby: You know, why don't we split the order? It's only fair. Kevin: No. Wait, no. I'm buying, I make the rules. I actually do want you to fight over me. I wanna be wined and dined and... 69ed. Angela: Ugh. Kevin: Metaphorically 69ed. Ew. Perverts... no offence Oscar. [Oscar looks flabbergasted] [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Hop in, we have places to be. No rest for the wicked. Jim: [to Dwight] All right. So... I guess this is it. Dwight: Well, Jim, I just want to say that we haven't always got along and at times, I've even hated your guts. But...[smiles] bye, bye. I win. Jim: [attempts to shake Dwight's hand] Goodbye, Dwight. Dwight: [drops golf ball into Jim's open hand] Robert, race you to the clubhouse, gentlemen's bet. Woohoo! [takes off in golf cart] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Well, he's Florida's problem now. Robert California: I'll let Dwight have his fun. Today will not be his day. Jim: What's that? Robert California: I'm gonna tank the Sabre store at the presentation to the board. Jim: I thought you liked the store? Robert California: Well, the store is lovely. You created a wonderful space to showcase our product line. Great job. Cheers. Jim: Thank you. Robert California: But, there's a reason we sell our products online and over-the-phone. Have you ever used Sabre electronics, Jim? [Jim shakes head] They're cheap. They're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone's wives do us. Jim: Wow. When you put it that way, I guess it does sound pretty terrible. Robert California: I couldn't just kill the project from the start. Jo Bennett endorsed it. Shame though, I did like Dwight. Dwight: [from distanced golf cart] Robert! I'm gonna win, ha ha, I'm the gentleman! Suck it! Robert California: [to Dwight] Bravo, Dwight! Very good! [Jim looks surprised] [to Jim] Shame. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [at Sabre headquarters] The math is simple folks. Deeper market penetration, plus greater visibility, will raise Sabre [Nellie emerges from behind Dwight] [together] to the power of two. Nellie: How did that look? Gabe: I'm not just saying this, that was the best thing I've ever seen. Dwight: [to Nellie] I told you. Todd Packer: When you guys do that whole power of two shebang, how 'bout I pop up also? I guess we'd have to say 'power of three'. Hm, actually, you know what, yeah, that actually works. [to Nellie] You'd spin off right. I'd spin off- Dwight: You know what? That is a great idea. Cathy, write that down and print it out. It's gonna make some really good toilet paper. Jim: [enters room] All right. There he is. Dwight: What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you? Jim: Can I just talk to you for one quick second? Dwight: What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'? [others laugh] Jim: Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should- [gestures toward hallway] Dwight: You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell. [others laugh] Todd Packer: Nice. [To Jim] Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy? Dwight: [to Packer] Silence. Todd Packer: Aw, I'm just trying to- Dwight: [interrupts] I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. [to Jim] But your face does look like the guy from Operation. Todd Packer: That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made. Dwight: Different guy. Jim: You know, I just think you should know that- Dwight: [interrupts] That you look like the world's tallest hobbit. [others laugh] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Well, I tried. [gestures the meeting room] You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy. Irene: Just open the program and type in his user name. Erin: Can you just do it? Irene: [after briefly typing] Here, type in your password. Erin: 'Erin123' Irene: That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat. Erin: [annoyed] All right. Andy: [video chat begins, Andy's head enters the screen from the side] Hello? Erin: That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. [turns laptop on its side] Oh. I fixed it. Andy: Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. [turns his laptop on its side while lying on desk] Oh, there we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone with Jim] He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him. Jim: No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'. Pam: Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this. Jim: I tried. He will not listen. Pam: Did you actually try your hardest? Jim: Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up. Stanley: Don't talk to me. Jim: Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up. Pam: If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do. Jim: OK. All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [to Kevin] What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago. Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah. Kevin: That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model. Darryl: Thank you. Toby: I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life. Darryl: Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my [hesitates] chubby daughter? Phyllis: Oh. [looks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [to Kevin] Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things. Pam: Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes. Phyllis: Make them kiss each other. Meredith: Make them kiss me. [everyone 'ew's] [Toby and Darryl look at each other] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Yes, this is too tan. This right here- Andy: No. Erin: This is a tanned spot. Andy: I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you. Erin: Well, Andy, I'm not coming back. Andy: What? Erin: I have a job here. I work for an old lady. [turns laptop to put Irene into view] Irene: [waves] Hello! Erin: Andy? Andy: Yeah, that's awesome. That's great. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [Toby and Darryl perform Hello! Ma Baby] This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me. Darryl: No, no, no, no. It's not worth it. Toby: No. Kevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year. Darryl: Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes? Kevin: Hungrier. Toby: 50? Kevin: Hungrier. Darryl: You're not talking... triple digits? Kevin: Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. [folds arms satisfied while Toby and Darryl look at each other] Again. [both start performing Hello! Ma Baby again] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [straightens tie in mirror] Showtime. Jim: [enters abruptly] Dwight. Dwight: You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick. Jim: OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. [Dwight makes funny gesture] No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please? Dwight: Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money? Jim: Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store. Dwight: [rolls eyes] Jim, come on. Jim: Dwight, he's gonna kill the store. Dwight: Uh-huh. Jim: And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it. Dwight: Wait. [holds up fingers] He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me? Jim: Yes. Dwight: [smiles] That's two things. Jim: Dwight, please. Dwight: Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today. Jim: OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so- Dwight: You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye. Jim: Dwight, come o- Dwight: Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Jim holds him back and tries to cover his mouth] Help! Help! Jim: Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva? Dwight: AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest. Jim: Gross! Dwight: [attempting to break from Jim's grasp] Ah! Jim: What? What, what, what, what, what? Dwight: [clutching side] Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix- Jim: I'm sorry. Dwight: My wound hasn't healed yet. Jim: I'm so sorry, I forgot. Dwight: Oh, man! Jim: You all right? You ok? Dwight: [stops whining and charges Jim] Rrrah! [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: [to Cathy] Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him. Cathy: I don't know. He's not picking up. Todd Packer: Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man. Nellie: [considers and decides on Packer] Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer. Todd Packer: Sup? [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: [notices Andy boxing up things from Erin's desk] What are you doing? Andy: I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone. Oscar: We knew. Ryan told us. Andy: Ryan, why didn't you tell me? Ryan: Thought you checker my Tumblr? Andy: You never update it. Ryan: Well, I updated it. Andy: Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist? Pam: We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine. [Andy nods reluctantly] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [trying to get around Jim] Huh, huh, huh! [slides between Jim's legs] Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: I was trying to go- Jim: Get up. Dwight: Ok, ok. Jim: Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by. Dwight: Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you. Jim: OK. [Dwight runs in place] What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work. Dwight: [tries to jump off wall] Jackie Chan! [falls and groans] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [holding mobile phone up] Go. Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Hi. This is Alex. Toby: [in feminine voice] And this is Sam. Darryl: [in a feminine voice] Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us. Kevin: Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day. Darryl: I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens. Toby: Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names. Kevin: Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony? Toby: Don't make me be your pony, Kevin. Darryl: Forget it, man. Kevin: What do you mean? Darryl: I'm out. And so is Toby. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child. Toby: Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. [starts performing Hello! Ma Baby] I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. [kisses Meredith] That is... hmph... that's ah... so good. [almost in tears Meredith pulls him toward her by his tie] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [tackled by Dwight] What are you doing? No. No, no, no. Dwight: This. Ends. Now. Jim: This is dangerous. Dwight: [picks Jim up] Rrahh! [both fall] Jim: Why? Dwight: Anything else you need to talk about? Jim: Nope. I think that was it. [Dwight gets up and walks away] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [looking disheveled in mirror] Once again, it's show time. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert California: What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, [Dwight enters] which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution. Todd Packer: If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute. Robert California: I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible. Nellie: Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul. Robert California: That was never on the table. Todd Packer: [to Nellie] Are you kidding? [to Robert] She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla! Robert California: And yet Todd, it's you who's fired. Todd Packer: What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh? [Dwight exits meeting room and helps Jim up] [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: [Dwight and Jim enter office] Hey, hey. They're back. [Everyone greets them] Kelly: Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida? Jim: Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight? Kelly: Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds. Phyllis: [to Stanley] Hey! Good to have you back. Stanley: [insincerely] Good to be back. Pam: [to Jim] Hey, stranger! Jim: Hey. Pam: Aw, I missed you. Jim: I missed you. [they embrace and kiss as Andy watches on sadly] Pam: Aw. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm going to Florida to get Erin. [grabs coat, runs out, then returns] Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- [looks at computer frustrated] 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!

When California reveals he hates Nellie's business plan, Jim swings into action to keep Dwight from getting fired. Jim eventually delays Dwight long enough, and Packer-who takes Dwight's place at the meeting with California-is fired instead of Dwight. Andy learns that Erin is not going to return to Scranton.

fd_Frasier_09x09

fd_Frasier_09x09_0

Skyline: A yellow sun rises over the city. ACT 1 Scene 1 - Radio Station. Frasier is speaking to an internship applicant named Lucius. He is an intellectual, geeky-looking, lanky Poindexter type. Roz is also present. Frasier: Well, I'll have to run this by the station manager, of course, Lucius, but barring any unforeseen circumstances, I believe the internship will be yours. [He shakes Lucius's hand.] Lucius: [sucking up] That would be wonderful. But just meeting the preeminent radio psychologist of this era has been a most thrilling experience. Frasier: [flattered, chuckling] Well... Lucius exits. Frasier closes the door. Frasier: So, Roz, what do you think? Roz: I think he's a pretentious, arrogant toady. Frasier: I love him, too! Just think of it Roz - a triple major at Harvard University. Why, he even plays the samisen! [Roz looks puzzled.] Come on, Roz, the samisen. [Roz is still clueless.] It's a Japanese guitar-like instrument whose strings are plucked with a spatula. Hmm? Roz: I can hardly wait for the intern talent show. Frasier: Oh, I'm so excited, Roz. At last, I'll have a superior mind I can mold. At this point, Kirby Gardner, whom we last saw in "Don Juan in Hell," appears at the window. Kirby is best known to us as the son of Lana. Frasier tutored him in exchange for Lana setting him up with the now-departed Claire French. Roz: Speaking of mold, what is he doing here? Are you still tutoring him? Frasier: Oh, God forbid! [Kirby enters.] Kirby! Kirby: Hey, Dr. Crane! Frasier: Hello! Kirby: [flirtatiously] Hello, Roz! What have you been doing since I took you to my prom? Roz: Mostly showering. Frasier: So, what brings you here, Kirby? Kirby: I heard your radio station's looking for an intern. Frasier: [panicking] Radio station's looking for an intern... you say? Kirby: I was hoping you could hook me up. [flirtatiously] Just think, Roz, with me working here, we'll be together like, 24/7 five days a week. Roz: [looking somewhat disturbed] Okay. [She exits.] Kirby: [taking out a folded paper] I was hoping you could go over my resumé. Frasier: Oh, well, uh, all right, Kirby. Uh... although I must tell you that the station manager has final say in these matters. [He takes the resumé and sits down.] Kirby: I fudged a little bit on my job history. Frasier: [irritated] So you never actually worked at NASA? Kirby: Or Burger King. [laughs] Kenny enters. Kenny: Oh, hey, Doc. Oh, is this one of the intern candidates? Frasier: Uh, well... Kenny: Kenny Daly. I'm the station manager. [He shakes Kirby's hand.] Kirby: Pleased to meet you. I'm so stoked to get this job. Kenny: I like that in a candidate, Doc - he looks hungry. Kirby: That's amazing, dude. 'Cause I-I am kind of hungry. Kenny: There's a vending machine right out there. [Kirby exits.] Hey, I love this guy! He's a breath of fresh air. Unlike all these Ivy League snobs you've been prancing around all day. [He exits.] Roz: [opening the door from the sound booth] You're not really thinking of hiring Kirby, are you? Frasier: Of course not, Roz. I've got my heart set on Lucius. Roz: Me too, he plays the samisen! Frasier: Just... all right. [He exits the booth. To Kirby] Uh, Kirby... listen, I'm terribly sorry about what just happened. Kirby: What? Frasier: You see, whenever Kenny sends someone out to the candy machine, it's a signal that that person won't be around anymore. [playing it up] We call it the "Hershey's Kiss-Off." Kirby: Oh, man, I really want to get this job. So I can move in with Scoogy and Fat Tyler. You know, live like an adult for once in my life. Frasier: Yes, well, I-I am terribly sorry. Kirby: It's not your fault. You did everything you could, right? Frasier: Well... yes. You know, I'll tell you what. Um... I will keep my ears open for-for any opportunities, all right? Kirby: That would be great, Dr. Crane. Something in law enforcement would be awesome. Frasier: [looking at the resumé] Yes, well... that shouldn't be too difficult, considering you were trained... by the F.B.O. He points out the mistake. They part. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment. Daphne is seated at the table, and Martin is in his chair. He is wearing an electronic blood pressure cuff, which he begins to remove. Daphne: Leave it, Old Man! Martin: It's bugging me. I do not have high blood pressure, and it looks ridiculous. Daphne: I think it looks handsome. Like those armbands gladiators wore, only inflatable. Frasier enters. Frasier: Ah, Daphne, Dad. Martin: Hey, Frasier. Frasier: Say, how was the doctor's? Martin: It stunk. Daphne: Mr. Crane's pressure read a little high, so Dr. Stewart insisted he wear this monitor for 48 hours. Frasier: [hanging his coat] Well that's troubling. Daphne: Oh, don't worry, it's just a precaution. It takes his pressure at random intervals and sends the information right to a computer in the doctor's office. It's very clever. Martin: It's not clever. It's an invasion of my privacy. Plus, they got me on that damn "Heart Smart" diet. Two days of salt and fat - gone! You don't get that back. Daphne: Well, stay calm, or you'll be on it forever. Martin: [increasingly irritated] How can I stay calm? I'm just sitting here expecting this thing to go off any second. I'm afraid to move. It's like I'm a prisoner. You know, that's just like doctors, isn't it? They're always finding some new way to torture you. Well, maybe I want my blood pressure to be high. Did they ever think of that? I mean, what... At this point, the height of Martin's anger, the cuff gives off a beep and begins to inflate. Martin is troubled by this. Martin: There it goes! You sneaky b*st*rd! Daphne rolls her eyes. Frasier: [sitting] Dad, you know, here's a suggestion, if I may. Um... the next time you feel yourself getting annoyed, take a deep breath and then picture your anger as a red balloon drifting higher and higher above the clouds till it disappears. [makes a gesture to illustrate.] Martin: And that will get me back on nachos? Well, I better get ready for work. [rises] Frasier: Right. Martin: Daph, did you get my shirt back from the cleaners? Daphne: It's in your room. I laundered it myself. There's no sense paying for dry-cleaning a work shirt. Martin: [upset] Well, yes there is! I told you, they make us buy them ourselves. They cost a lot of money, you know. And I have to go all the way down to the uniform supply house and you can't park there because of all the construction that's... [the cuff beeps and inflates again] No! No! No! No, wait! Wait! [very agitated, gives up] Damn it all to hell! He goes to his room. We see that Daphne is doing her nails. Daphne: Oh, you have some messages, Dr. Crane. A Kirby called at 4:00, then again at 4:20 and 4:45. It was upsetting your father, so I turned the ringer off. Frasier: Oh dear, I promised him I'd help him find a job in some field for which he's qualified. And with the proliferation of self- serve gas stations, I'm afraid that narrows the field even further. Daphne: Why is it your responsibility to help him? Frasier: Well, the truth is I really didn't do all I could to help him get a job at the radio station. Poor Kirby. You know, maybe I should just turn the ringer back on. He does, and the phone immediately rings. Frasier: Well... [He turns it back off.] Maybe after dinner. Niles enters. Niles: Hello. Hey, Daphne! Frasier: Oh, Niles. Daphne: I'll get my things. I'll be just a minute. [She exits.] Frasier: Oh, uh, care for a quick sherry before you go? Niles: Oh, thank you. Frasier: So, how was your weekend? Niles: Fine, and yours? Frasier: Good. You know, something curious did happen, though. I was in a cheese shop, and I... ran into Reynolds. [Niles looks apprehensive.] And he told me that he saw several bottles of Chateau Haut Brion '61 at your place. I wasn't aware that you had Brion '61. He offers Niles, who is now seated on the couch, the sherry. Niles: Really? Didn't I tell you, I stumbled across a case. Frasier: Really? That's wonderful news, Niles. It's virtually unattainable. So, how much do I owe you for my half? Niles: [laughs] That's very funny. Reynolds made that same joke. [drinks] Frasier: Niles... we had a deal. Whenever I've found a case of rare wine, I've offered you half. Niles: I understood that our deal only applied to vintages post Nineteen... Sixty-five. Frasier: That wasn't part of the agreement. Niles: Well, I'll have to reread it. Frasier: It was oral! Niles: Oh, pity. Frasier: [angry] This is outrageous! I can't believe you're cutting me out like this. Niles: [breaking] I'm sorry. I try to be an ethical person, but wine is my weakness, and... this is really too good to share. Frasier: [unimpressed] I see. Niles: I will find a way to make it up to you. Frasier: Why don't you just sell me my half? Niles: I said I'll find a way to make it up to you. [Frasier shakes his head.] You have my word. Frasier: Really? Your oral agreements aren't worth the air into which they are uttered! Daphne enters. Daphne: Are we ready to go? Niles: Yeah. [rising] Look, Daphne, I was, uh, I was thinking rather than go to another boring movie [getting his coat] why don't we go back to my place and kick off our shoes and, uh, rearrange my library? [Places Daphne's coat on her.] Daphne: Are you still doing that? You said you'd be finished by now. Frasier: [seated, indignant] Yes, he says a lot of things! Niles: It's a bigger project than I'd anticipated. Niles and Daphne head for the door. Daphne: Can't you hire someone to help you? Niles: And let someone else touch my books? Where would I find someone with your unimpeachable fastidiousness? He opens the door, and they begin to leave. Frasier: [rising, getting an idea] Fastidious, you say? Niles, I believe I know just the lad that can help you! Kirby Gardner! Daphne: Is he that boy who's been calling you all afternoon? Frasier: Yes, yes, he's very persistent. One of his many fine attributes. You know, I've wanted to hire him myself, but there was nothing available for him at the station. Niles: I don't know. My books are the one thing I'm fussy about. Daphne gets a knowing, but loving, grimace on her face at that comment. Frasier also doesn't quite know what to make of it. Daphne: Oh, please, Niles? [plying him] It'll give us more time together. Niles: [giving in] Well, if you put it that way. [Frasier begins to chuckle with satisfaction] Wait! If I hire this protégé of yours, will that make us even on the wine? Frasier: [pleased at this good fortune] Niles, you are too crafty for me. [Niles looks as if he has put one over on Frasier.] All right, yes, very well. That will make us even. [They shake hands.] Have a good night, you too! Niles and Daphne leave. Frasier chuckles in a sinister manner, delighted that he has gotten back at Niles and dealt with the Kirby problem at the same time. FADE OUT. A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MULVEHILL Scene 3 - Niles's Library in his apartment at the Montana. It is as outrageously resplendent as everything we have seen of the Montana so far. It could pass for a public library in a small city or certainly for a school library. There are books lining shelves on every wall from top to bottom, and there is a sliding ladder that moves along the shelves. There is a complete set of furniture in the center. The middle of the wall separating the upper and lower stacks is decorated with proverbs and quotations, such as one might find at a university library. (This is the first time this set has been used.) Niles: [as we fade in] How's it going, Kirby? I hope you're not getting lost in the 17th... Kirby is standing on the ladder looking at an open book. He is eating Chee-tos. He wears headphones and rubber gloves. Niles enters the library and is horrified. Niles: Oh, my Lord! [He removes a book that has been draped open on a bust.] Kirby!! Kirby: [removing his headphones, still chewing on Chee-tos] Hey, Dr. Crane. Niles: What are you doing? You're eating in my library! You're ruining my books! The books behind Kirby's head are in disarray on the shelves. Niles takes the book and the bag of Chee-tos from Kirby and begins to blow the cheese crumbs off of the book. Kirby: Relax, bro. I'm wearing the gloves. As Niles turns on a light, Kirby places his foot on a column between the shelves and shoves off hard, sending the ladder quickly to the other end of the range of shelves. He grabs a soda that he has placed on a shelf there. Niles: Kirby! Kirby turns, sipping on the soda. Niles: Come down here. [Kirby places the can back on the shelf and begins to descend.] No, no, bring your can. [He does, and then comes down.] Sit down. [He complies.] Kirby, this is completely unacceptable. I-I just cannot allow this. We see that the entire library is in chaos. There are books piled on one of the tables and in various other places. Kirby: Whoa! Are you gonna fire me? [He places the can on an end table. Niles quickly grabs it.] Niles: Well, I know that you have good intentions. But I'm afraid... [The phone rings.] Excuse me. [He answers it.] Hello? [irritated, to Kirby] It's for you. Kirby: Could you find out who it is? Niles: Who's calling please? [to Kirby] It's Kristi Mulvehill. Kirby: Tell her I'll call her back. [chuckles] Niles: He'll call you back. [hangs up] Kirby... your friend Kristi - she's not related to William Mulvehill? [He sits down.] Kirby: Yeah, that's her grandfather. So weird how all you old dudes all know each other. Niles: Well, I-I don't actually know him, just know of him and his [breathes] wine collection. Kirby: Wine collection. It's famous among the old dudes. Niles: Legendary, except he's so reclusive! No one gets to see it. Frasier and I have tried everything but sealing ourselves in casks and rolling in. Kirby: Really? I go there a lot. Niles: [extremely envious] You've been to the Mulvehill wine cellar? Have you seen the bottle that was owned by Thomas Jefferson? Kirby: Well, I'm usually with Kristi so, uh, I'm looking at the jugs, not the bottles, if you know what I mean. [chuckles gleefully] Niles: [joining in Kirby's chuckle] Oh, you! [He hands back Kirby's soda.] You know... [clears throat] it would be quite a thrill for a wine connoisseur like me to meet William Mulvehill. Do you think you could... get me in? Kirby: I bet Kristi could. Niles: Well, let's just get her on the phone and ask her, shall we? He runs excitedly to the phone. Kirby: Well, I would, but... if I were unemployed I'd-I'd just be too depressed to talk to her. He places the soda on the end table. Niles: Oh... unemployed, what are you talking about? [He removes the soda from the end table.] That was just a few harsh words spoken in a moment of haste. So the library isn't challenging enough for you, we'll find something more suited to your particular... [hesitates] talents. [He hands Kirby the phone.] Here's the phone. The doorbell rings. He looks at his watch. Niles: Oh, that'll be Frasier. Umm... why don't you call from the kitchen? Niles pulls at one of the book stacks, which moves forward to reveal a secret passageway. Kirby: Whoa! Do they all do that? [He pulls at the next one.] Niles: No! No! He stops Kirby and hands him the soda. Kirby exits and Niles closes the book stack/door. Frasier: [in the background] Niles? Niles: I'll be right there! Frasier enters. Frasier: Are you ready to... [observing the chaos in the library] Oh, dear! Is this Kirby's work? Niles: Mm-hmm. Frasier: Niles, I owe you an apology. Niles: No, no. I understand. I had it coming. We're even. Frasier: Let me help you clean up. Niles: No, don't be silly. I will be through this in a trice. Just you scoot. Frasier: Nonsense. Let me help you. Niles: No, no. Frasier begins to pick up some books. Niles stops him. Frasier: Really, Niles, let me do this for you. Kirby enters through the secret passage, interrupting them. Kirby: Oh, hi. Grampy Mulvehill says only one person can go into the wine cellar. Niles has fruitlessly tried to stop Kirby as he said the above. Frasier: [shocked] Grampy Mulvehill? As in William Mulvehill? Kirby: I told you. Old dudes, they all know each other. Niles frantically hurries Kirby back through the passageway. Frasier: I knew something was up. You weren't going to tell me about Mulvehill, were you? Niles: [with feigned shame] I'm sorry. I have le vin fou. Frasier: Don't hand me that. That is just a flimsy excuse for your outrageous selfishness, and what's worse is you are actually using that boy! Niles: Well, you used him to get back at me! Frasier: As you said, it made us even. Niles: Oh, I said that to get you out of here. Look at my library! I hope you're happy! Frasier: Well, I didn't think it would be this bad! I thought the boy could at least put a book on a shelf! The volume of the argument has steadily increased. Kirby quickly enters through the passageway. Kirby: I can hear you fighting about me from down the hall. You're right, I don't deserve a job. Frasier: Kirby, that's not true. Kirby: It is. Forget it. [slamming the soda can on the table] I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said! He exits, clearly upset and hurt. Frasier: [calling after him] Kirby! Wait! Niles: What happened? What have we done? Frasier: Isn't it obvious, Niles. You've hurt his feelings. [Niles reacts to this.] You know, I have a special relationship with Kirby. Maybe I'll just take him out to dinner. Smooth things over. Niles: Well, I'm perfectly capable of making my own apologies. I'll take him out to dinner. Frasier: Well, you know, on second thought, I actually did say some rather hurtful things myself. Niles: I think it's incumbent upon both of us to help repair his damaged self-esteem together. Frasier: Very well. We'll be two trained therapists working in tandem. Niles: Yes. To repair the wounded innocent. Frasier: Yes, yes, that's very high-minded of you, Niles. They both move to sit down. Niles: Yes, you too, Frasier. Frasier: You know, this is an utterly altruistic act, isn't it? Niles: As utterly as it gets. Frasier: I think we're of the same mind. Niles: [brushing his shirt] Oh, I think so, too. They continue the charade, tapping their chairs with their fingers, as we FADE OUT. END OF ACT 1 [SCENE_BREAK] ACT 2 RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment. Martin is in his chair. Daphne enters with Eddie. Martin: Where have you been? I'm starving. Daphne: Sorry, I was walking Eddie. Haven't even been to the market yet. Martin: Oh, Daph, it's almost six o'clock. How many times do I have to... [stopping himself, staring upward] Red balloon... red balloon... [smiles] It's all right. Daphne: Well, good for you. And I'll nip out to the market now. Martin: Oh, don't bother. Let's just open a can of soup. Frasier enters. Daphne moves toward the kitchen. Frasier: Well, I'm off. Daphne: Enjoy your dinner. Frasier: Thank you. Martin: Who took the batteries out of my remote? Frasier: Gosh, I'm sorry, Dad. I needed them for my foot spa. [He finishes putting on his jacket.] Martin: And you had to take them out of the one thing I need batteries for in this house? God forbid your royal feet go without eucalyptus for... Frasier: [warning] Dad! Martin pictures the red balloon again. He smiles. Martin: That's all right. There's got to be some other way to switch the channels. Frasier exits. Daphne: Bye. Well, Mr. Crane, I'll go and open that can of soup. Martin: Oh, would you turn the game on? Daphne: Sports? Mmm. Might be a bit too exciting. Why don't we just watch a nice soothing movie? Martin: [suspicious] Like what? Daphne: How about "Message in a Bottle"? Martin: Oh, is that one of those movies that takes 45 minutes for anything to happen, and then you're sorry it did? Daphne: If you don't like that, we could watch "To Gillian on her 37th Birthday." With a mighty effort, Martin raises his eyes to the ceiling and pictures the red balloon again. He smiles. Martin: You pick. Daphne: [excited] Yes. She runs to the TV. FADE OUT. Scene 5 - Café Nervosa. Frasier and Kirby are seated at a table near the door. Niles enters. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Well, imagine my surprise seeing the two of you here, [with veiled vexation] when the three of us have reservations for dinner at Le Cigar Volant in half an hour. Kirby: Hi, Dr. Crane. Dr. Crane invited me here for a before-dinner cocoa. Niles: Isn't that nice? Frasier, may I have a word? Niles puts down his briefcase. Frasier: Yes, of course. Kirby, we'll be right back. They move away from the table. Frasier: All right, now before you get started - I brought the boy here in order to ease him into this evening. I was afraid that the sight of the two of us might bring up some unpleasant memories. Niles: I see. So this has nothing to do with you trying to get into Grampy Mulvehill's wine cellar instead of me. Frasier: The fact that you even said that speaks volumes about you. Now let's get back before the boy starts to think we're talking about him. [They go back to the table.] We're back now! Niles: Kirby, I just want to tell you how sorry I am for both Frasier and my behavior earlier. Kirby: It's no problem. I forgave you as soon as I got that DVD player you sent me. Niles fruitlessly tries to quiet Kirby. Frasier: Niles, may I see you for a moment? They move again to the spot of their earlier discussion. Frasier: DVD player? Niles: OK, you caught me in a selfish moment. I was trying to assuage my guilt for the way I treated him. Frasier: And you weren't trying to buy Kirby's loyalty so that you and you alone could benefit from your Mulvehill connection, reviving your woefully flagging reputation in the wine community? Niles: [feigning offense] I categorically deny that! Frasier: So you did it just to burn me? Niles: I deny that. Frasier: But not categorically. Niles: Frasier, do I have to remind you, this is not about us? It's about Kirby, whom we've abandoned in order to have this petty spat. They go back to the table. Frasier: We're back again. [They sit.] So, Kirby, where were we? Kirby: You were asking me about Grampy's wine cellar. Niles: [moving to stand] Frasier... Frasier: [cutting him off] Not now, Niles. Niles: Fine. I was going to leave this till later, [he reaches down and grabs a box] but Kirby, I saw these and I thought of you. [He places the box on the table.] Kirby: No way! [He opens the box and pulls out athletic shoes.] 13's - how'd you know my size? Niles: Oh, I measured the footprint you left in donut powder on my floor, you rascal. [He grins wickedly at Frasier.] Kirby: [to Frasier] These are awesome, [hinting] aren't they, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Oh, yes, indeed they are, Kirby. You know, you're going to need some togs to go with them. I have an account at Bidwell's. What do you say I call them tomorrow and set you up? Kirby: Wow, thanks. I never had togs before. [Frasier laughs.] You guys are so great, the way you keep trying to build up my self-esteem and all. I wish there was some way I could take you both to the wine cellar, but I can't. He looks shrewdly from one to the other, knowing that he has them both in the palm of his hand - and suddenly very far from the dim youth they have taken him to be. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Frasier. They stand and move again to the spot of their earlier discussions. Frasier: Do you believe the nerve of this boy, pitting us against each other? Niles: Well, we're not going to be manipulated like this. Frasier: No, we certainly aren't. Let's put a stop to it right now. They go back to the table. Frasier: All right, Kirby, I'm afraid your little game is up, and I want to tell you something else... Niles: [interrupting, reaching into his wallet] A hundred dollars. Frasier: [countering] Two hundred dollars! Niles: Three hundred dollars! Frasier: [getting angry] FIVE hundred dollars! Niles: [pulling out more money] Kirby, have you ever been to Vegas? Frasier: [playing his trump card] He can't go to Vegas! He'll be too busy interning at the radio station! Kirby has collected the money, and he sets it back down after hearing this. Kirby: No... way! I got the job? Thank you, Dr. Crane! [He shakes Frasier's hand.] You just got yourself a wine tour. Frasier: [chuckling] Well... and thank you Kirby! Ha, ha! Kirby collects the money again. Niles, indignant, puts away his wallet. Kirby: This is so awesome, and I promise, I will not let you down. I'm going to soak up as much as I can from you. I'm going to be like your shadow. You and me, Dr. Crane, from now on! You know, we should probably carpool to work. Silence. With a look of intense regret, Frasier understands the full weight of the devil's bargain he's made. Niles watches, immensely enjoying the consequences of Frasier's desperate one-upmanship. Frasier: Niles, could I see you for a moment? Niles: [smugly] No. Kirby counts his money. Frasier looks defeated. FADE OUT. Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment. Daphne is on the couch with Eddie. She and Martin are watching a movie. Both are clearly engrossed, but Martin is trying to hide it. Daphne: [sobbing] Isn't this the most romantic thing you've ever seen? Martin: If you say so. Daphne: There's no greater passion than that between a woman and a ghost. She sobs again. The telephone rings. Martin: I'll get it. He rises to answer it. As he moves to the phone and it continues to ring, he looks back toward the screen. He answers the phone. Martin: Hello? [He glances back again. He lowers his voice.] Oh, um, yeah. Really? [He glances yet again; still speaking soft enough so that Daphne can't hear him.] I don't have to wear it anymore? That's great! [He glances back.] Yeah, thanks, Dr. Stewart. He glances as he hangs up. Keeping his eye fixed to the screen, he moves back to his chair. Daphne: Who was that? Martin: Dr. Stewart. Daphne: Are you all right? Martin: I'm fine. Daphne: I suppose you want me to put the game on, then. Martin: Well, uh, actually, he said there was a bit of a foul-up with the computer and, uh, maybe I should wear it for a couple more hours. Daphne: [still sobbing] Well, that's too bad. Do you want me to rewind? Martin: [quickly, slightly irritated] If you're going to keep talking! Daphne looks at him knowingly and grins. FADE OUT. END OF ACT 2 [SCENE_BREAK] Niles's library. Lucius, having meticulously placed Niles's books in order, climbs down the ladder. He asks for Niles's approval, who is sitting reading a book and drinking a glass of wine. Niles nods. Lucius takes his samisen, sits, and begins to play. Niles apparently finds the samisen music soothing. He continues to read and sip, looking quite content.

Frasier and Roz are interviewing candidates for an internship at KACL . Kirby Gardner appears unexpectedly, and Frasier is worried when Kenny seems to favour him for the job. He has a quiet word in Kirby's ear, pretending that he has not been offered the job, but promises to find him another position. Soon afterwards, learning that Niles has acquired a case of Château Haut-Brion that he refuses to share, Frasier suggests his brother employ Kirby to help rearrange his library, as a form of revenge. Niles does so, and is horrified at the chaos that ensues. However, he then learns that Kirby knows the grand-daughter of the reclusive William Mulvehill, the owner of an impressive wine collection. He persuades Kirby to call on his behalf, and he discovers that Mulvehill will allow one visitor to the wine cellar. Frasier soon finds out about this, and the brothers subsequently compete at doing favors for Kirby, in the hope of being selected as that visitor.

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Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller [Scene: Central Perk] Monica: (she enters) Hey guys! Ross, Rachel and Chandler: Hey! Chandler: Honey, I got us that room at the Woodford Inn this weekend. Monica: That place in Vermont? You can take a hint! Rachel: Wait, you can't go away this weekend! It's Emma's birthday! Ross: Yeah! Rachel: We're having a party. Monica: Well, can't you just have the party when we get back? Ross: No. Rachel: No, that day... that won't be her real birthday! Chandler: Gee if only she were one and had no idea what the hell a birthday was! Ross: C'mon you guys, this is really important to us. Monica: Well, I'm sorry, but Chandler and I could really use a weekend away. You know, to reconnect... emotionally. Chandler: There's this thing I really want us to do. I read about it in Maxim... Rachel: Well, can't you just go to Vermont the next day? Ross: Yeah, we want everyone to be there. As much as I hate to delay your doing weird s*x stuff to my little sister. Rachel: And I mean, you know, you guys... This is a big deal. I mean, how can we have her first birthday party without her aunt and her uncle! Monica: All right, we'll stay. We can just drive up after the party. Chandler: Fine, but if we end up not doing this Maxim thing because of this party... Monica: Believe me, that is not why we won't be doing that! OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment] Rachel: You know Pheebs, when I was little, on my birthday, my daddy would hide a present in every room of the house, and then he would draw a treasure map to help me find 'em all. Phoebe: Oooh, I love family traditions like that. When uhm... when Ursula and I were kids, on our birthday, our stepdad would sell his blood to buy us food! Ross: (he enters) Hey guys! Rachel and Phoebe: Hi! Ross: Hey, I brought the camera for Emma's video. Rachel: Oh, good, good! We had this idea to make a birthday video for Emma and we'll give it to her when she is 18. Phoebe: Oh, COOL!! Wow, it's like a time capsule! Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh, just think... she's gonna be watching that video on a TV that hasn't even been invented yet! With friends who right now are just like babies! And they'll be living in a floating city that the humans built to escape the ant people! Ross: That's the hope! So, is Emma awake yet? Rachel: Oh no, it's still nap time. But she'll be up soon. Ross: Ah, and where is Joey? Rachel: I said it's still nap time. (Joey comes out from his room, yawning) Ross: (taping Joey with the cam) Hey, there is uncle Joey! Joey: Hey! Ross: Hey, say something to Emma on her 18th birthday! Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his "How You Doin'" line) Ross: Joey, NO! Joey: What, what!? it's for her hot friends! Ross: When they see this you'll be 52! Joey: And starting to think about settling down! Rachel: Hey Joey, will you please set this up for people to put Emma's presents on? Joey: I'd love to! Yeah! Joey: (To Phoebe) We were supposed to bring presents? Phoebe: Yeah! I wrote Emma a song. Joey: Oh, yeah! How was I supposed to know? Phoebe: Joey, it's a birthday party. Joey: Yeah, but for a one-year-old. What's the point... the other day she laughed for like an hour at a cup. Just a cup with a picture of Elmo on it dressed as a farmer. And he's standing next to this cow and the cow says "El-moo"! (Joey starts laughing) Yeah... that's a funny cup! (Monica and Chandler enter) Monica: Hey! Chandler: Hey hey! Where's the birthday girl? Rachel: Oh, she's still napping Chandler: Oh, sure, she was probably up all night, excited about the party she knows is happening. Rachel: Look, I know that you guys really want to get to Vermont and this isn't a really big deal to you, but it really is to us, ok? Emma will never have a first birthday again. Monica: All right... you're right. We're sorry. Now let's wake up Emma and get the fun time started! Rachel: No really, she didn't sleep well last night, so we can't wake her up. Monica: Are you freaking kidding me, Green? (someone knocks on the door. Rachel goes to open it) Jack and Judy: HI! Ross: (points the camcorder towards them to record their entrance) Hey! Monica: So glad you came! Jack: I can't believe Emma is already one! Judy: (to Monica) I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We had to take him to the emergency room! Ross: (pointing the camcorder at himself) There's something you didn't know about your dad! Joey: Hey Mr. and Mrs. Geller! Let me help you with that. Jack: Thank you! Joey: Oh man, this is great, uh? The three of us together again! You know what would be fun? If we gave this present to Emma from all of us! Jack: Which one are you? (Time lapse) Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep! Chandler: I know, what are we gonna do? Monica: I've got a plan. I've got a plan. I'm going to ram this platter really hard into your ribs. You're gonna scream out and that'll wake her up! Chandler: I'm not going to Vermont with this Monica! Joey: Hey Pheebs, you know what? I was thinking... since you wrote a song, maybe I could do something for Emma using my talents! Phoebe: So you're gonna... hit on her? Joey: No, no, no! My talents as an actor! Phoebe: Oh! Joey: You know, I could like maybe... I could do a dramatic reading of one of her books! Phoebe: Or you could stick a fork in an apple! Joey: Hey, I think Emma might like it! Rachel: Oh! Emma might like what? Joey: Um, my present! Rachel: What did you get her? Joey: Actually we prepared performances. Phoebe: Separate performances. Joey: But equally real! Rachel: Well, this sounds like fun! Well, you know what? Actually? People are getting a little antsy waiting Emma to wake up from her nap, so would you mind performing them once now? Phoebe: Sure, yeah! Joey: (unconfidently) O K. Rachel: (to everybody) All right, let's get this party started, huh? Joey and Phoebe are gonna perform a little something for us. Ross: Oh, great! Phoebe: (to Joey) Are you gonna be embarrassed going up there having nothing prepared? Joey: Hey, I do it every week with three cameras pointed at me and a whole crew waiting! Rachel: So, Joey, what are you gonna do for us? Joey: I will be doing a dramatic reading of one of Emma's books. Rachel: Oh, ok, which one? Joey: Uh, why, it's a... (he picks a book up) one of her favorites, uh, (he reads the title of the book) "Riding the Storm Out. Coping with post-partum depression" eesh! (he puts the book back and picks up another) "Love you forever". Love you forever. By Robert Munsch. Published by Firefly books. Printed (he pauses and changes the tone to a dramatic one) in Mexico. A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and while she held him she sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". (the picture fades and Joey is now finishing the book). And while he rocked her, he sang "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". Rachel: (crying) Wow! That was amazing! Ross: Thank you so much for that gift! Chandler (nearly weeping): I was not ready for this today! Ross: Amazing... amazing. Rachel: Oh, Phoebe, I'm sorry! Phoebe has prepared something as well. Phoebe: That's right, I've prepared a song for Emma. From my heart to hers. For there's no greater gift, than the gift of music. (she starts singing) Emma! Your name poses a dilemma. 'Cause not much else rhymes with Emma! Maybe the actor Richard Crenna, he played the commanding officer in Rambo. Happy birthday Emma! Rachel: Is that it? Phoebe: No, of course not! I also, you know, prepared a reading (she picks up a book). "s*x and the single mother. (pause) Finding your G-spot. Everybody: No, no, no, no, no! [Scene: Joey's Apartment. Ross is filming his parents ] Judy: Hello Emma. Happy eighteenth birthday. Jack: Right now that seems so far away, seventeen years. Judy: Yes, you'll be all grown up by then. We'll be... Well your grandfather and I might not be here. Jack: That's true! This message could becoming to you from beyond the grave, Emma! Judy: After all, my parents died very young. Jack: And my cholesterol's off the charts! Judy: Remember, Emma, heart disease kills women too! Ross (stops recording): Ok, cut! Great. That was... that was just... yeah! Rachel: Ross, um, don't forget to get a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge. Ross: Sure. Rachel: Oh, you're gonna love this cake. I got it from a bakery in New Jersey, Corino's. Monica: Oh my God, that place has the creamiest frosting! I use to hitchhike there when I was a kid. Rachel: Well, anyway, they make these great novelty cakes, in all different shapes, and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing! Monica: Oh, did you do a picture of Emma? Rachel: Yes! On a cake shaped like a bunny. Ross: Uh, Rach? Does this bakery by any chance also bake erotic cakes? Say for bachelorette parties? Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she sees the cake) oh! Oh my God! They put my baby's face on a pen1s! Phoebe (sees the cake): oh! Now it's a party! Rachel: Why you guys this isn't funny, all right? If I wanted this cake to be a disaster I would have baked it myself! Joey (staring at the cake): Uh.. is it ok that I still think it looks delicious? Judy:(to Jack) Jack, look at this. Jack: I know what you're thinking Judy, the resemblance is uncanny! Ross: I am this close to tugging on my testicles again. Rachel (on the phone): No, no, this is not what I ordered. Ok? I went all the way to New Jersey so that I could have the perfect cake for my daughter's birthday and I need a bunny cake, right now! Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off the pen1s, so we can put it on the bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence! Rachel: Oh! Believe you me! I am going to bring this cake back, I don't even want it in my home... (Turns towards the cake and sees Joey trying to take a piece and yells at him) Joey, don't touch it!! Joey: I'm so confused! Rachel: (speaking to the person on the phone again) Yes, yes. I still want my daughters picture, but on a bunny cake. Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts! Chandler: To be fair this one does have nuts. (Time lapse) (Ross, Chandler and Monica are in the kitchen area) Ross: Hey Mon, that was really nice of you to loan Rachel your car so she could go and get the cake. Monica: Oh. So nice of her to pull my hair, 'till I dropped the key! Ross: Well, you know what? While we're waiting, you guys could tape your message to Emma for her 18th birthday, huh? (takes the camcorder and points it at Monica and Chandler) Ok! Chandler: Hi Emma! It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? Monica: We're Aunt Monica and uncle Chandler, by the way. You may not recognize us, because we haven't spoken to your parents in seventeen years! Chandler: We used to be married, but then we missed a weekend away together and things kind of unraveled. Because of you! Happy Birthday. (Ross looks disappointed and switches the camcorder off) Monica: Ross, Rachel promised it would be over by now. We seriously have to go, if we want to get to Vermont. I called them and the last train leaves in a half hour. Phoebe: And you know, I have a massage client soon. Ross: You guys, just please.. a little bit longer. I promise, Rachel will be back with the cake any minute. Monica, remember.. the frosting? huh? Monica: Alright, 5 more minutes. (The phone rings, Ross picks up) Ross: (Into receiver) Hello? (listens) Oh no! What happened? (listens some more) Ok ok, where are you? (Grabs a pen and starts writing). Ok, I'll be right there. (Puts the phone down) Chandler: Was that Emma? Is she up? Ross: No, Rachel got pulled over for speeding. She forgot her licence so now I have to bring it to her. Phoebe: Well, if you're leaving, I'm definitely gonna go. Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us (Points at herself and Chandler) We've been complaining the longest! Ross: No, wait ! You guys, no, no, you can't leave! Rachel already feels bad that the cake's messed up. How do you think she's gonna feel when she comes back here and all you guys are gone? Chandler: I don't know! You'll tell us on Monday! Ross: Joey! You're in charge, ok? You make sure nobody leaves! (leaves) Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to Chandler) Where do you think you're going? Chandler: To the bathroom! Joey: Alright, well the rest of you get comfortable, ok, because we're gonna be here for a li...(stops and thinks) Wait a minute, there is a window in there! Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! (Phoebe and Joey run towards the bathroom and enter) Chandler: (Yelling) What are you doing? Get the hell out of here! (Phoebe and Joey come out looking shocked) Joey: Well, that one did not have Emma's face on it. Phoebe: No, it did not. Joey: No. Judy: Well, we better get going, it's late. Jack's not allowed to drive at night anymore. He has trouble staying in his lane. Jack: Last winter I went up on a church lawn and drove right through a manger scene. The papers thought it was a hate crime. Judy: Anyway, it was lovely seeing you. Joey: Ok! (Opens the door for them) Judy: Bye... Bye dear. Joey: Nighty-night! Judy: Nighty-night! Joey: Bye, bye. Phoebe: Joey? How could you just let them leave? Joey: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm not gonna mess with Jack, he's a great man, he fought for our country. Monica: No, he didn't! He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea. Joey: (Shocked) Oh! Well that's it! He's the last one to go. I'm locking you guys in. (turns the bolts of the door, thereby locking it) Chandler: You do know, I can just turn them the other way around, right? Joey: Oh! I forgot you used to live here! (The phone rings, Joey picks up) Joey: Hello? Estelle: (on the other side of the line) Joey! It's Estelle! Joey: Hey! (smiles) Estelle: So, how did your audition go today? Joey: (smile fades) What audition? Estelle: The one I told you about last week? Joey: What? You never said anything about an audition! Estelle: (Looks confused) Let me start over. I just got a call about an audition. I think you can still make it. It's down at the Astor Theatre and you need to have a monologue prepared. Joey: A monologue? I don't have.. (sees the book he was reading before for his "dramatic reading") I got it. (hangs up) (announces to the room) Aah! so... I'm gonna take off! Phoebe: Wh.. what? No wait, you don't get to leave! I've got a massage client waiting outside my door any minute! Monica: Yeah, and we've paid for a room, that we're supposed to be in right now! Phoebe: Well, oh, ok now... Only one of us has to stay with Emma. Ok, and as the person who realized that, I get to go! Monica: No! no! Let's figure out a fair way to decide who's staying. Joey: Oh! I got it! Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. Alright? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica: (She gives Joey a you-are-so-stupid-look) Ok, ten. Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine! Anyone else? Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws. Joey: Or.. we could flip a coin, and then multiply the.. Chandler: I'm begging you stop. Joey: Right. Monica: Ok, how about this: We got wind up toys for Emma for her birthday. We can make them race, and whoever comes in last, stays! Phoebe: (Visibly excited) Yeah!! Let's do that! Chandler: (Also very excited) That sounds more fun than the thing we were going to do in Vermont! Monica: Everybody get your toys! (They all run toward the table with toys) Phoebe: Ok! I want the dolphin! Chandler: Thats a bear. Phoebe: I'm too excited! Monica: Phoebe, you get the bear, uhm, Joey, you get the robot, and Chandler and I get the dog. Ok, and the race is going to go (Takes two cups and marks the start and finish lines with them) from here to here. Now the one who comes in last, stays! Joey: Ok, ladies and gentlemen, wind your toys! (they do so) Chandler: Ok, on your mark... Get set... GO!!! (Monica, Phoebe and Joey release their wind-up toys.) Phoebe: Go! Go! Joey: Come on robot! (Phoebe's bear takes the lead, followed by Joey's robot, and far behind is Chandler and Monica's dog, which walks a few paces, stops and starts barking, sits, walks again, and so on... ) Monica: (to the dog) What are you barking at? (While Phoebe's bear is still in the lead, it is now closely followed by Joey's robot. Chandler and Monica's dog however, sits down, barking... and does a backflip.) Monica: Wha... How the hell is that gonna help? Chandler: I bought you. How did I forget that that's all you do? [SCENE_BREAK] (Meanwhile the race has been won by Phoebe's bear, followed by Joey's robot) Joey: Way to go robot! Phoebe: Good job Alan! Joey: Hey, good race you guys. Phoebe: Yeah, see you later! (Joey and Phoebe leave for the door) Monica: No! No, no... wait! We didn't lose. (turns to Chandler) The rules clearly stated that the last one to cross the finish line was the loser. Well, our dog never crossed the finish line, so technically... Chandler: They left. (Monica turns to see the closed door.) [ Scene: The freeway. Rachel is driving Monica's Porsche, while using her mobile phone. Ross is sitting next to her.] Rachel: (into the phone) No, there isn't time to go to the bakery. We're just gonna come home... Everybody left? Alright, well just tell Emma we're gonna be there as soon as we can. (emotionally) Bye... (She hangs up, closes her phone, turns around and puts it in her bag which is in the back of the car. While doing this and not looking at the road, she turns the steering wheel by accident, which makes the car swerve.) Ross: RACHEL! Rachel: OOH! God! Sorry! Ross: (sarcastically) I can't believe they gave you a ticket. You're such a good driver. (Ross fastens his seat belt.) Rachel: Emma's awake. Ross: Yeah? Rachel: I can't believe this. This is her first birthday. She's awake. We're not even there. Everybody left. We still have this stupid obscene cake. Ross: Hey, maybe I can fix that, you know. Try to turn it into something else. (he opens the box) Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me. Ross: Rach, she's not going to remember this. Rachel: (shakes her head) I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! (honks furiously, and Ross looks at her in disbelief and Rachel looks at him.) They have to learn! Ross: (looks back at the cake) Hey! Rachel: What? Ross: It's not bad. Rachel: (she looks at the cake) Oh my God! Look what... you made it into a bunny. How did you do that? Ross: Well, I just made these two things uhm... cheeks. And then I split this to make ears. Rachel: Well, I'm very impressed. Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I apparently can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures. [ Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. Chandler, Monica and Emma are sitting on the floor, and Emma's stuffed animals are lined up in front of them.] Monica: Now another way to organise your stuffed animals, is by size. Chandler: I'm sorry, is this a game for Emma or for Monica? Monica: Game? Chandler: Emma, you even know it's your birthday today? You're one! One-year-old, that's little. (With his index finger he shows her how old she is. Emma also points her finger and babbles...) Chandler: Ooh! That's my girl! Monica: That's how old you are. Chandler: Did I teach her that? Did I just... impart wisdom? Monica: (embraces Emma tightly) Ooh, I want one... Chandler: Me too... (There's a couple of seconds of silence. Then Chandler looks around...) Chandler: There's no-one around. Why don't we just take this one? Monica: ...and head to Canada! Chandler: I was kidding. Monica: I wasn't. Let's get going! (Phoebe enters the apartment again.) Phoebe: Hey, are Ross and Rachel back? Chandler: No, not yet. Phoebe: Oh good, I didn't miss the party. Monica: What about your massage client? Phoebe: I just felt so bad, missing this. So I just slipped him a little something, you know. As long as I'm back in five or six hours, it will be alright. (Joey comes running into the apartment, out of breath.) Joey: Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. THE WHOLE TIME! (Ross and Rachel enter.) Joey: (to Ross and Rachel) I've been here the whole time! Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs. Rachel: I don't care that you left. I'm just glad that you're here. Thanks you guys! Chandler: Hey, guys! Come on! You gotta see what Emma just did. Rachel: What? Chandler: Emma, how old are you? How old are you today? (holds up his index finger again) Emma: Wo-ish. (and holds up her finger) (Ross and Rachel gasp) Rachel: Oh! Emma, that's right! You're that many! Ross: Oh my God! Our daughter's a genius! Rach, this means... Rachel: (angrily) NO, no science camp! Ross: Damnit! I'll put a candle on the cake. Rachel: Oh!... Oh and Emma, look at your stuffed animals lined up so neatly! Monica: Thanks! Ross: Okay, here we go! Emma's first birthday cake... Well hey... well, blow out the candle. Come on Emma. Chandler: Let's do it, come on! (Rachel wipes away some tears.) Ross: What's wrong? Are you okay? Rachel: Oh yeah, nothing! These are happy tears! This is just what I wanted. Phoebe: (pointing at cake) Hey, you made it into a bunny. Joey: What is wrong with me. It looked more delicious when it was a pen1s. ENDING CREDITS [Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment. It's just Ross and Rachel. They put the camera on a tripod in the kitchen and they are standing in front of the camera.] Rachel: Okay. Ross: Okay, you ready? Rachel: Yeah. Ross: A-a-and... record. Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera, and Ross waves.) Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really... (There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.) Phoebe: (yelling at the top of her voice) Go, go, go Alan! Run you, hairy b*st*rd! end

Ross and Rachel throw a birthday party for Emma and desperately want everyone to be there for it. Everyone has prior commitments: Chandler and Monica have a romantic weekend planned, Phoebe has a client, and Joey has an audition. Ross' parents show up and the group begins celebrating. Rachel soon realizes the cake is not a bunny, as planned, but an erotic cake with her daughter's picture on it. She goes off to get it fixed but Ross needs to go get her. Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and Monica battle to see who can leave with Monica and Chandler being left behind. Luckily everyone gets back before Rachel and Ross and Emma's birthday is celebrated just as Rachel envisioned.

fd_Merlin_03x11

fd_Merlin_03x11_0

A FOREST A young man is walking when two men show up. Nollar: Your mother knows you're out here? What's your name, boy? The young man: Gilli. Tindr: What's in the bag? Gilli: Nothing Tindr grabs Gilli's bag and empties it. Nollar: Where you're heading? Gilli: Camelot. To fight in the tournament ... Nollar (laughs): Is that what your pretty new sword's for? Gilli: Yeah Tindr (grabs the sword): Let me see. Nollar: You ever seen this tournament? Believe me, a little boy like you is got no chance. Especially without a sword. Gilli (as the men leave): Give it back. Nollar: I'm doing you a favor, one day you'll thank me. Gilli: I said, give it back. Gilli assaults them but he is pushed back Nollar: I thought you were a fighter!? Here, I'll show you how to fight!! Gilli assaults him once more but the man punches him. Nollar: Good luck at the tournament. They leave, laughing. Gilli takes a ring from his stuff. As he looks at it, the ring starts to shine in gold, as well as Gilli's eyes. ***Open credits*** CAMELOT, THE COURTYARD Arthur and Merlin are walking; Merlin holds pieces of Arthur's armor. Merlin: Did anyone think this tournament through? A contest opens to all comers with a prize of hundred gold coins. Hum, I wonder what kind of people are going to turn up? Arthur: It's a tradition Merlin, the tournament's been held every ten years to centuries ... Nothing to worry about. THE TRAINING FIELD Many men are gathered, training for the tournament. Merlin (seeing a man cutting the head off of a mannequin with an axe): Tell me he can't use that in the contest. Arthur: He can use what he likes, it's an open tournament. Merlin: What about the Knight's Code? Arthur: It counts for nothing. The only rule is: there are no rules. Arthur leaves and Merlin avoids only just an axe thrown by Nollar. Merlin (for himself): Yeah, you're right, there's nothing to worry about! THE LOWER TOWN Gilli comes in the Rising Sun Inn. Gilli (to the innkeeper): Excuse me? Hello? The innkeeper: Drink? Gilli: A room The innkeeper: I'm only taking competitive. Spectators have to stay outside the city walls. Gilli: But I am a competitor. The innkeeper : Of course you are ... Gilli (presenting a parchment): Here. (The innkeeper reads it) I'd like a room please. The innkeeper (giving him a key): You'll have to share. Gilli: But ... The innkeeper: D'you want a bed or not? And I'll have my money now. Gilli: Why? The innkeeper: Because you'll be dead by sunset. CAMELOT'S ARMORY Merlin prepares Arthur's armor. Nollar and Tindr show up. Nollar (to Merlin): My! If it's not the Prince of Camelot ... Merlin : I'm his servant. Nollar: I've always wanted a servant. (Putting his foot on the bench where Merlin sits) Here. Clean them. Merlin: What? Nollar: My boots. (Threatening Merlin with a whip) Hurry up. Merlin stands up and moves across the armory. Nollar gives him a lash of whip. Merlin: I'm looking for a cloth! Nollar: I don't care if you use your tongue! Clean them! Gilli (comes out from behind the three of them): Stay where you are. Nollar: Oh so you've decided to join us after all. Gilli (about the whip): I think you should put that down sire. Nollar (to his companion): Did you hear that? Tindr: Oh I heard it all right. Nollar (to Gilli): Why don't you say it again? Merlin: I'm sorry, this is my fault. Nollar gesture him to stay quiet while Tindr faces him. Nollar (to Gilli): I'm not hearing you. Gilli: I've said what I had to say. Nollar makes his whip cracks. The ring on Gilli's finger starts to shine while he magically grabs a sword. He manages to disarm the man. But Nollar gets a small axe out of his belt. Merlin (to Gilli): Watch out! Gilli disarms his opponent once again. Gilli: Now, get out. The men leave the Amory. Gilli (to Merlin): Thanks for the warning. Merlin: It's me who should be grateful. Gilli: It's all right. I've already had a run in with those two. Merlin: You have? Gilli: Yeah, I know what it's like to be picked on. Arthur (from outside): Merlin! Merlin (to Gilli): Well, thanks again. I'm - Arthur's voice (Impatient): Merlin! Merlin (shaking Gilli's hand): Merlin. That's me. Gilli: I'm Gilli Arthur's voice (shouting): Merlin!!!!! Merlin: Arrg! I got to go. He leaves. THE DINNER ROOM Arthur, Uther and Morgana having lunch while Merlin is doing service Morgana: Remind me how many times have you won this tournament Uther? Uther: Three Morgana: That's a lot to leave up to, Arthur. Arthur: Indeed. Morgana (to Uther): I remember your last victory. You were a master in the arena. It's such a shame we won't see you compete again. Uther: Who say you won't? Morgana: I thought you said you were too old to take the field? Uther: Not ages stops me. I'm still proving the match for any man. Arthur: Well, we won't be finding out. Uther (to Arthur): Why ever not? Arthur: Because I don't want you getting hurt. Uther laughs Morgana (to Uther): Do you think you could still win the crown? Arthur: The Kingdom needs him to rule, not to fight. Uther (to Arthur): You think I can't do both? Morgana: But you're not as young as you used to be. Besides, I need someone to keep me company in the stands Arthur: If you'll excuse me, I need to prepare for the tournament. Merlin? They both leave the room. Morgana (to Uther): It is such a shame. Would've been good for the people to see you competed one last time? But still, Arthur is probably right. You can't do everything ... Uther seems thoughtful has they finish their lunch. THE ARMORY Merlin gets Arthur ready for his first battle Merlin: How're you feeling? Arthur: Confident Merlin: You're sure? Arthur: Yes Merlin: The last time this tournament was held (whispering) three men died. Arthur: Really Merlin: And that was just on the first day ... Arthur: Thanks for that Merlin. Merlin: And on that second day ... Arthur: Let's just ... gets to the first! Merlin: You're right. That's when most people die Arthur: Merlin ...? Merlin: Yes? Arthur: Shut up. THE ARENA OF CAMELOT All the fighters are gathered in the field. Gaius and Merlin are standing among the other servants. Morgana shows up in the royal stand and start the opening speech. Morgana: It's my pleasure to welcome you all to Camelot. This is a contest like no other. It is open to all comers. (Uther comes along the other competitors) Including our reigning champion, the King. There are no rules, no weapons are banned. The last man standing takes the prize. Let the tournament begin. The tournament began with a fight involving Uther who win without too much difficulty. Arthur wins his own fight with only one punch. Nollar almost loses his but finally stabs his opponent and kills him. Then it's Gilli's turn. He wins by using magic. Gaius (about Gilli's fight): Who would believed it? NEAR THE ARENA As Gilli passes by, Gaius and Merlin talk to him Gaius: That was a fine victory. Gilli: Thank you. Gaius (about Gilli's wound): That will need treating. Gilli: No, it's all right. Merlin: Gaius is the court physician. Gilli: It's just a nick, I'm fine. He leaves quickly. Merlin: He's using magic. Gaius: I suspected as much. The ring bears the mark of the old religion. Such rings are very rare but they acted as a conduit. A channel for magical powers. Merlin: So, he does have magic like me? Gaius: He doesn't have your powers, Merlin but to wield a ring such as that needs considerable gift. Merlin: Well, he's braver than me, using magic in front of all those people. Gaius: Brave or stupid. If Uther finds out, he'll have him killed. THE ARMORY Gilli put his sword on the sword rack. As his wound hurts he goes in the corridors to cast a spell and heals his arm. The spell unleashes a bright light and let a mark on the wall. As two guards had seen the light, they try to stop him. Gilli succeed to escape, losing his ring. IN THE ARMORY 'S CORRIDOR King Uther, Gaius and Merlin are gathered around the mark on the wall. Uther: Sorcery. It's the only explanation. Gaius: We mustn't jump to conclusions Sire. Uther: What other explanation could it be? The guard report saying "an unnaturally bright light". It's heat so intense that they could feel at the other side of the corridor. These scorch marks would seem to support their story. Gaius: But they appear to have been there for some time (seeing the ring on the floor behind Uther). Did the guards could get a look at this man? Uther: No, it was too dark. Gaius: Unfortunate. I can see no evidence of magic. Uther: This is strange odour. How do you explain that? Gaius (pointing in the end of the corridor to make a diversion): It's coming from the grain store there. It's alecost for the tavern. (He picks up the ring)They used it in their brewing. Uther: Brewing? Gaius: Indeed sire. It imparts a special flavour. Uther (leaving): Very well. GAIUS' CHAMBERS Gaius: It's cleary Gilli's judging by the scorch mark and the odour. This is an old healing spell. It's crude but its works. You heat the skin to coagulate the blood and there cauterizes the wound. Merlin: On his shoulder. Well, no wondering why he didn't want treatment. Gaius: You'll have to talk to him before it's too late. THE RISING SUN TAVERN Merlin knocks at Gilli's door. Gilli: Who is it? Merlin (opens the door): Merlin. I've come to see how you are. Gilli: It's a lot better. Merlin (about Gilli's wound): Can I have a look? Gilli: There's nothing to see. Merlin (sitting in a bed): Wow, the way you fought earlier, that was incredible. Gilli: Yeah? Merlin: Yeah. Someone your size to go beat a man like that. Sure a lot of people are going to think you're using magic ... I'm not gonna tell anyone. Gilli: I'm not using magic. Merlin gets out the ring. Merlin: You don't have to fear me. (Looking the ring) It bears the mark of the old religion (giving the jewel back to Gilli). Where did you get it from? Gilli: My father. He left it me. Merlin: Did he have the same powers as you? Gilli: He was a gifted man, but he would not touch magic. He vowed never to use it. He feared it. Wouldn't even let me talk about it. Merlin: Why? Gilli: He was scared Uther would found out. That the King would discover he was a sorcerer. Even when he was attacked and ... he'd three men on him; he still wouldn't use this. Merlin: Is that how he died? Gilli: I am not gonna be like him. Merlin: Because you want to be proud? ... Of who you are? Gilli: Why all these questions? Merlin: You remind me someone I know. Gilli: Who? Merlin (stand up and walking up to Gilli): You saved my life and I'm trying to save yours. You need to withdrawn from the tournament. Gilli: It's an open competition. You're supposed to be up to use whatever skills you have. Merlin: Fighting skills! ... And you're not a swordsman, or a gladiator. Fighting is not your talent. Magic is. Gilli: Then why can't I use it? Merlin: Because is banned. Gilli: Without magic, I'm a Nobody. People think they can kick dirt in my face. Merlin: You're not a Nobody. You're ... special. Gilli: Then let me prove that. Merlin: If you continue to use magic here, you will be caught, Uther will have you executed. Another customer enters the room putting the conversation to an end. BACK TO THE AREANA Uther and Arthur both win their second fight. As Arthur is in the tent, Uther comes in, followed by the Lady Morgana. Uther (to Arthur): Have you seen who you are to face in the semi final tomorrow? Might need to put in some practice. Morgana: Well, the crowd are really looking forward to it. So am I. (as Arthur leaves) It should be quite a match ! NEAR THE ARENA Gilli headed to his battle when he meets Nollar. Nollar: Seems like you're my next opponent. Gilli (trying to leave): Excuse me. Nollar don't let him pass. Gilli: Can you let me past please? Nollar (as he shows his weapons): No. 'Cause I want you to help me decide which of these I'm gonna kill you with? The two men laugh as Gilli leaves. Few minutes later, Gilli and Nollar meet in the arena. Under the man's assaults Gilli is pushing against the arena's wall, right into Tindr's arms who was standing in the crowd. Tindr : Hello again! Nollar is about to pass Gilli through. The young man uses his magic and ejects his opponent. He manages to escape from Tindr, reaches Nollar and kills him. THE ARMORY Gilli is sitting on a bench, still shocked by Nollar death. Merlin shows up. Gilli (looking straight): I've never killed a man before. I just wanted to feel ... what was like to be ... respected. But this ... I'm not a killer. This isn't me. Merlin: You need to withdraw. Gilli: I'm going to. THE RISING SUN TAVERN As Gilli enters, he is warmly welcomed by the crowd. The crowd: Here he is. Everybody applauses and shakes Gilli's hand. The innkeeper buys him a drink. The innkeeper (to everyone): The drinks are on the House! ARTHUR'S CHAMBERS Merlin sharps Arthur's sword. The prince is slouched on his table. Arthur: What do I do Merlin? If I fight my father tomorrow, the way I can ... I'll show him up, I'll humiliate him. In front of his people. Or worse! I could wound him, even kill him! Merlin: He does not gonna back down, isn't it? (Arthur gives him a look that means "no") He's determined to prove himself ... You have to let him win. Arthur: You don't have to put it up with the gloating! Do you have any idea what it's like to live with a man who constantly thinks he's the best! Merlin: Hum, must be irritating ...! THE FOLLOWING DAY, IN THE ARENA Uther is about to fight against Arthur. Arthur: Good luck. Uther: And you ... you'll need it. Arthur: Don't be so sure, Father. Uther : When I was your age, I conquered Camelot. I didn't inherit this Kingdom I won it. One day you'll be strong enough to take my crown. But not yet. They both put their helmets. Uther: Ready? Arthur (without looking): Ready. Uther instantly attacks his son whom succeeds to ward off Uther's blow. Uther: I thought you said you were ready. Then the fight began. Arthur and Uther gives back to back to one another. Arthur (sarcastic): Need a breather Father? All in all, Arthur is stronger than Uther and he succeeds to make Uther fall. Uther seems to have issues to get up. Arthur: Footwork always was your weakness! Uther finally stand up. He looks very weak so as Arthur noticed. The prince decided to let his father win and felt intentionally. Uther gives a hand to Arthur to gets up and takes a bow in front of his people. In the royal stand, Morgana seems frustrated. [SCENE_BREAK] THE FIGHTER'S CAMP Merlin (to Arthur): Well done. It can't have been easy. Arthur: If he wasn't my father ...! (He leaves) Gaius (to Merlin): The king's reachs the final. You need to worry about who he might be facing next. Merlin looks in the arena and sees Gilli fighting. Once again, Gilli's opponent is about to win but the young man uses his magic to defeat him. GAIUS'S CHAMBERS Merlin is thoughtful when Gaius comes in. Gaius: I thought you said the boy was going to withdraw. Merlin: That's what I thought. Gaius: We have to warn the King Merlin: No! Gaius: Why are you protecting him? Merlin: You know what Uther would do! Gaius: Gilli is using magic for his own gain. It's corrupting him. Poisoning him. Merlin: Just let me talk to him. Gaius: I fear it's too late. Merlin: Gaius, please! You taught me what magic was for. You gave me the opportunity to be the person that I am today. I've had you to help me. Give me one more chance to talk to him. Gaius: We'll have to put an end to this. If he fights tomorrow, either his magic will be found out or worse, the King would die. Merlin leaves. THE RISING SUN TAVERN As Merlin comes in, Gilli is in the middle of the crowd, explaining his fight. Gilli: Now, lot of people asks me how did he fell on his back. I just tripped him like that. I'm strong, you don't realize it. Seeing Merlin, Gilli meets him in Gilli's empty room. Gilli: What's this is about? Merlin: Your opponent? 'Thought you might like to know how he is? Gilli: Is he alright? Merlin: Gaius thinks he'll pull through but he might not have been so lucky. Gilli: It could've been me that got injured. Merlin: I thought you weren't going to fight! Gilli: You've seen the way people are now. They're showed me respect. You don't know what that's like for me. Merlin: I do. Gilli: No. No, no one does. Merlin seems thoughtful for a moment then shuts the door. He faces Gilli, whispers an incantation and present his closed fist. When he openes it, there is a flame burning on his palm. Gilli looks at Merlin, as if he sees him for the first time. Merlin: It's lonely ... to ... be more powerful than any man you know and have to live like a shadow. To be special and have to pretend you're a fool. I know how it feels ... I understand. Gilli: Then you understand why I have to fight. If Uther is killed, so what? How many of our kind have died at his hands?! How many more will?! It's time those with magic fought back! Merlin: Gilli ... Gilli: You can't tell me what to do! Merlin: You need to learn to use your magic for good! That is the true purpose! It's not meant to your own vanity! Gilli (shouting): I'm not gonna apologize for who I am!! You can be a servant, and, and pretend you're less than them, but I'm not gonna ... Merlin (interrupting): No! That's not what I do! Gilli: No?! You're defending the King! Protecting a man that would have you dead! Merlin: I'm protecting you! Gilli: You've been pretending for so long now, that you've actually forgotten who you are. Merlin: No. That's not true. Gilli: Isn't it?! Merlin: No ... Gilli: It's time someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will. Gilli leaves the room, letting Merlin on his own. GAIUS' CHAMBERS At night, Merlin is lying on his bed thinking. He suddenly gets up, run to the clearing next to Camelot and summon the Great Dragon. Kilgharrah (as he landed): I was beginning to hope you'd forgotten me. Merlin (smiling): I don't think so Kilgharrah: The problem is, young warlock, that you wish to talk, but you don't wish to listen. The last time we met, you chose to ignore my advice and overrule me. Merlin: I'm sorry. Kilgharrah: A Dragonlord should never abuse their power. What reason do you have to summon me this time? Merlin: You are a creature of magic ... and only a creature of magic could hope to understand. Uther is to fight a young sorcerer in the tournament tomorrow. Gaius wants me to prevent him from using magic but if I do that there is every chance he would die. Kilgharrah: Your choice is a hard one, young Warlock. Yet, you, like I, must hold hope that Arthur will bring about a new age. An age where the likes of you and I are respected once again. If he sees his father killed through the use of magic, it would harden his mind for ever. Merlin: No ... no, there must be some ... other way. Kilgharrah: To see one of your kin die is never an easy thing. But all great struggles demand sacrifices. I am sorry young warlock. I wish I had some words to help you. Merlin: Some choices are easy ... some stay with you forever ... CAMELOT, BY MORNING Uther is in his apartment, preparing for his fight against Gilli. Arthur enters Arthur: Come to whish you luck Uther: Against a boy? Arthur: He's reached the final. Uther: Arthur, even you could beat him! (He leaves the room) IN THE ARENA Uther stands in the middle of the pitch. Merlin watches worryingly Gilli's arrival. The two of them share a very expressive look. In the pitch, the fight is about to begin. Uther put his helmet and raise his sword. Uther: For glory Gilli: For glory Then the battle starts. As Uther is obviously better than Gilli, the young man starts to use his magic. But, from the crowd, Merlin fought him back with his own powers. Uther finally wins and is cheered by his people. Gilli leaves the arena, depressed. Merlin (to Gilli as the young man passes next to him): I'm sorry. But Gilli doesn't even respond and just walks away. THE RISING SUN TAVERN, GILLI'S ROOM Gilli is packing when Merlin enters. Merlin: I didn't have a choice. Gilli: You did what you had to do. And you betrayed your kind. Merlin: No that was you. You betrayed us. You'd won. But you were going to kill the king anyway. There's no honor in that. Come one, look inside yourself, you're better than this. Magic is not meant for fighting. It's not meant to bring you glory. Gilli: I never understood my father ... I thought that he was afraid of magic. But he wasn't. He was afraid of what it can do. How it can corrupt. I know now that he was ... he was strong. Well ... he was stronger than me. (He grabs his bag) I'm sorry. Merlin: I know it doesn't seem like it now but one day magic will be permitted once again. And when that day arrives, you'll not longer have to hide who you are. Your gifts will be recognized and we ... will be free! And who knows, maybe ... maybe then our path will cross again. Gilli: I hope so Merlin: Oh, they will. We're kin Gilli (shaking Merlin's hand): Kin. Later, Gilli leaves Camelot and the lower Town as Merlin watches him from the round path. THE DINNER ROOM Uther (to Morgana as they reach the table where Arthur is already sitting at): I thought the boy was going to kill me. Morgana: So did I! Uther: Then, suddenly, the old fighting spirit kicked in. I dug deep, found my strength and whole thing just began to flow. I felt at one with the sword. My feet moved instinctively. Morgana: And now, you're champion once again. Maybe you can give Arthur some lessons! Uther: It is I who learnt a great deal to our fight. Morgana: I can't see what. Uther: He's a far better warrior than you think. It is Arthur who should have claimed the prize. Morgana: But sadly he wasn't good enough. Uther: Because he threw the fight (Arthur choke with his water) that I might save face. Arthur: You knew? Uther: I have followed your progress with a sword since you were boy. I know your abilities better than anyone. I'm eternally grateful. I hope that when you are king and have sons of your own, that they will afford you the same honour. Indeed, the most satisfying outcome of the tournament is that Arthur's actions have shown me that he is now truly ready to be king. Uther raise his glass. Arthur and Morgana raise theirs and the three of them choke their glasses. GAISUS' CHAMBERS Gaius and Merlin are ready to eat; Gaius put a very well served plate in front of Merlin. Gaius: I'm proud of you. Merlin: Oh, I don't deserve it. Gaius: You're being hard on yourself. Merlin doesn't respond sighs and seems ready to eat ... Gaius (taking Merlin's plate for himself): All right! Merlin: Hey, what are you doing? Gaius: You said you didn't deserve it. Merlin: Gaius, I haven't eaten. Gaius: Pity it's delicious Merlin (trying to take back his plate): Gaius ... As Merlin's getting ever more puzzled, Gaius starts giggled Gaius (taking another very well served plate from behind their table): Alright ... Merlin: Thanks They both laugh *** THE END***

As another tournament descends on Camelot, a young man known as Gilli sets his sights on victory. Gilli uses magic in the tournament to win his fights, and by doing so he begins to realize the true strength of his powers, and what glory for which he could possibly use them. Meanwhile, Morgana manipulates Uther and Arthur into competing against each other.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x04

fd_Gilmore_Girls_07x04_0

LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR [Night time - Chris and Lorelai get out of the Volvo] LORELAI: [Car door closes] Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong? CHRISTOPHER: On a plane? LORELAI: They do not belong on a plane. CHRISTOPHER: It's not an ideal situation. LORELAI: They do not belong anywhere except in cages stuck in safes buried deep, deep underground. I hate snakes! CHRISTOPHER: So I'm gathering. With their gross, no-legged bodies, and their scaly, scaly skin, and their wiggling, and their hissing. CHRISTOPHER: Okay Lor I respect your very valid feelings about snakes. LORELAI: Thank you. CHRISTOPHER: But I have to say we were fairly warned. LORELAI: No! No! A movie should not just be its title. "Driving Miss Daisy" didn't all take place in the car, "Dances With Wolves" wasn't one long wolf dance. But this was nothing but snakes, snakes, relentless snakes, snakes on a plane. Snakes, snakes, snakes on a plane! CHRISTOPHER: This was our fifth bad movie in a row. It's got to be some kind of a record. LORELAI: We got to face facts - movies have gotten bad. CHRISTOPHER: Unless it's our fault. LORELAI: What? No, we didn't make the bad movies. CHRISTOPHER: No, we made the movies bad. Think about it we are the common factor. LORELAI: Ohh. CHRISTOPHER: All the movies -- very different. Different genres -- different languages, even. We saw them in different theaters at different times. What do they all have in common? LORELAI: They were all seen by us. Wow! CHRISTOPHER: Huh? LORELAI: We can never see "Casablanca" together. I mean I'm very sorry. I don't care how much I love it, but I will not be responsible for ruining "Casablanca." [Both chuckling] CHRISTOPHER: So... LORELAI: So... we should divvy up the candy. CHRISTOPHER: Divvy... LORELAI: The candy. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. LORELAI: [Inhales, exhales sharply] Got half the milk duds. Sour patch kids -- hmm, a third. Twizzlers -- you got about 5 -- 4 3/4 -- you pick. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'll take the Twizzlers. LORELAI: No, I meant besides the Twizzlers. CHRISTOPHER: I tell you what -- you can have it all. LORELAI: Such a gentleman. [They Kiss] LORELAI: We should... CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I should, uh... LORELAI: I should... CHRISTOPHER: Okay. LORELAI: Yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Good night, Lor. LORELAI: Good night, Chris. LORELAI'S HOUSE - INTERIOR [Lorelai comes inside] LORELAI: Hi. RORY: Well, well, someone is cutting it pretty close to curfew. Did you guys have a good time? LORELAI: Yeah, really good. Ooh, is it weird that he didn't come in? RORY: Weird for me? LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Oh, I saw the guy two days ago. I'm sick of him. [giggles] Is it weird for you? LORELAI: No. No. RORY: He could come in if you wanted him to. I could make myself scarce. LORELAI: Oh, you wouldn't have to make yourself scarce. RORY: Oh then I could be un-scarce. I could be here in all my plentiful gLory. That's more normal. God I forget what the protocol is when your mom is dating your dad. LORELAI: Yeah, me too. We'll have to consult Emily Post again. RORY: Yeah. But I really don't think it would be weird. LORELAI: It wouldn't? RORY: No. I mean, if it was, it wouldn't be weird in a bad way. If that's what you want. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Is that what you want? LORELAI: I don't know. No. Not now. Maybe...I want it. I don't know. Twizzler? RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Okay. [They both sit on the couch, facing each other.] LORELAI: [Sighs] It's good, though. You know? He and I, between us -- it's -- it's going good. RORY: Well, good. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: When I had lunch with him the other day, he said things were really go. LORELAI: He did? RORY: Mm-hmm. LORELAI: What'd he say? RORY: Um, nice things. LORELAI: Oh, yeah? RORY: Yep. LORELAI: Like what? RORY: Nice things. LORELAI: Did he talk about my sparkling eyes and my glossy, raven hair? RORY: Look I'm not gonna pass notes between you guys. LORELAI: What if Emily Post says that's part of the appropriate protocol? RORY: If you can get it in writing from the ghost of Emily Post, then I will pass as many notes as you want. But, mom... LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: I'm really glad things are good between you. LORELAI: Me too. RORY: I'm just... LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: I just want you to be careful. LORELAI: Is this the safe-sex talk? Because even if the ghost of Emily Post says it's okay, it is just plain weird. RORY: No. Mom, I want you to be careful with you, with him. I just don't want to see you get hurt again. LORELAI: I am. I am being careful. RORY: Okay. Good. LORELAI: Oh, my gosh. Am I coming with you to college? RORY: Excuse me? LORELAI: You totally want me to come to Yale with you, don't you? RORY: What? No. LORELAI: Then why are you packing all of my clothes -- my pink t-shirt?! RORY: Where'd that come from? [Lorelai starts pulling cloths out of a bag] LORELAI: Oh, my goodness. That is so nice of you to think of me in school -- my sweet skirt! I hope you brought a toothbrush 'cause, boy, oh, boy, are we gonna have fun! My cozy sweater... OPENING CREDITS LUKE'S DINER LUKE: Okay, two eggs over-easy, hash browns cooked well, whole-wheat toast buttered, and with a side of marmalade. KIRK: [Sighs loudly] CUSTOMER: Thank you. LUKE: You're welcome. [To Kirk] All right, what can I get you? KIRK: [Sighs loudly] LUKE: Kirk, you're scaring away the customers. KIRK: [Sighs loudly] LUKE: I am not gonna ask you what's wrong. Either eat or go. KIRK: Women troubles, Luke. Haven't slept in days. See the bags under my eyes? See the glazed look? Women. LUKE: See this glazed look? Don't care. KIRK: Mom's been incredibly possessive lately, as has Lulu, and it's very tense. I noticed they were beginning to snipe at each other, but I figured it was a friendly competition I could work to my advantage, you know? When you've got two women making you cherry cobbler, you're likely to end up with some pretty good cobbler. LUKE: Basic capitalism. KIRK: That's not how they see it. Oh, no. Apparently, it's mom's cobbler or Lulu's cobbler. I've got to choose. LUKE: Are you gonna order something? KIRK: I'd love to order something. I'm starving. But what should I get? Lulu would want me to get something hip, like a bagel. LUKE: Hip? KIRK: But mom would say a growing boy needs something more substantial, like pancakes. LUKE: Well, neither of them are here, so what do you want? KIRK: I don't know! Bagel, pancakes, bagel, pancakes... it's like their voices are blocking out my voice, and I don't know what I think anymore. I'll have a bagel and pancakes, I guess. LUKE: Yeah, what kind of bagel? KIRK: Lulu would kill me if I got the onion, you know, 'cause of all the kissing... LUKE: [Looking discussed] KIRK: And mom would freak over the poppy seed 'cause she thinks poppies are a gateway drug. LUKE: What about... [Asian Caesar hands Luke a plate] egg? Egg, it is. [Anna comes into the diner] ANNA: Hey. LUKE: Hey. I didn't expect you till later. ANNA: I know, but I wanted to go over April's schedule before I brought her by. LUKE: Okay. ANNA: Is this a good time? LUKE: Sure, let's sit. ANNA: Great. [Sighs] So, this is her schedule. I think I erred on the side of too many details. LUKE: I like details. ANNA: These are some of the phone numbers you might need -- pediatrician, dentist, orthodontist -- if her retainer breaks -- optometrist... LUKE: If her glasses break. ANNA: So, my mom has her back surgery on Monday, but, apparently, the recovery process is really slow, so I'm gonna be in New Mexico for at least two weeks. LUKE: It's fine. April can stay with me as long as you need her to. ANNA: Thanks. I really appreciate this. [Luke smiles back] LUKE: All right, so what's this packet? ANNA: Registration forms, some waivers -- April will need to have this when she goes to school tomorrow. And she will tell you she needs to be there at 7:30, but she really doesn't need to be there until 8:00. Anyway, it's all in the notes. LUKE: Don't worry. ANNA: I'm not worried. [Chuckling] Okay, maybe a little. It'll be fine? LUKE: It will be fine. I promise. DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN LORELAI: Wow! Today's secret ingredient is gourds! SOOKIE: Aren't they beautiful? LORELAI: I guess that depends on the beholder's eye. SOOKIE: Jackson's whole squash crop went crazy this year. We had such a hot summer, and these babies love the sun. You've got to try this soup. LORELAI: Wait, is that gourd soup? SOOKIE: It's so good. It's sweet and rich. It's like pie, only it's soup. It's like pie soup! LORELAI: Na, I don't eat orange food, except for candy corn. SOOKIE: You eat Cheetos. LORELAI: I don't eat food that's naturally orange. SOOKIE: You eat oranges. LORELAI: Okay I eat food that's naturally orange, but I don't eat gourds. SOOKIE: Fine. LORELAI: What else is going on at home? SOOKIE: Ooh! [Gasps] Martha is so close to walking. She's right on the verge. Why don't you come over tomorrow night for dinner? Maybe you'll see the inaugural steps. LORELAI: Um, I'd love to, but... SOOKIE: But you want to wait to see if Christopher calls and asks you out first, and then if he doesn't, you'll come over. LORELAI: Something like that, yes. SOOKIE: You two have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately. LORELAI: Yeah, we're just dating. SOOKIE: Right, 'cause you can just date the father of your child. LORELAI: Turns out you can. It's been a fun six weeks. We're taking things slowly and just getting to know each other again. SOOKIE: Except for the fact that you've known each other for more than 30 years. LORELAI: [Imitating Sookie] Okay, I get it. Please get off my back, and stop talking like this. SOOKIE: Okay, it's just that you and Luke haven't been broken up all that long. LORELAI: I know. I remember. I was there. SOOKIE: Okay. It's -- you know, after breaking up out of a big relationship it's normal to have a rebound thing. You know, a big, bouncy, rubber ball of a rebound thing. It's...good. LORELAI: But? SOOKIE: But a rubber ball is a 28-year-old surfer or a jazz saxophonist who drives a V.W. Bus or a really cute guy that can't even spell his last name. It's not the father of your only child. Christopher is not your rubber ball. LORELAI: Okay. SOOKIE: He's a big, heavy bowling ball. LORELAI: I'm gonna tell him you said that. SOOKIE: I just want you to be careful. LORELAI: Okay god, I feel like I should set up traffic cones around me for all the people worrying about my safety. I am being careful, okay? [Cell phone rings] SOOKIE: That's all I want. LORELAI: All right. SOOKIE: Great. LORELAI: Fine. SOOKIE: Good. LORELAI: Good. SOOKIE: Better. LORELAI: [Answering the phone] Hi, Chris. CHRISTOPHER: Lore what's your life looking like tomorrow night? You available? LORELAI: Well I don't know, is there some particular reason you're checking my availability? SOOKIE: [Bangs pot lid] Sorry. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I have an idea for a really fun date, and if, in fact, you are available, I will put thought into action. LORELAI: I thought our last date was pretty fun. CHRISTOPHER: Well, this will be even more fun. LORELAI: "Snakes on a boat"?! CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] I'll pick you up at 6:00. LORELAI: Okay, I'll be there at 6:00 to be picked up. SOOKIE: [Bangs knife] Sorry. These gourd rinds are really thick. LORELAI: [to Chris] What is the, uh, fun date? CHRISTOPHER: No hints. LORELAI: I hate not knowing things. CHRISTOPHER: I know. I'll see you tomorrow. LORELAI: Okay. Bye. SOOKIE: [Singsong voice] Sounds like somebody's got a date. LORELAI: [Imitating Sookie] Sookie. SOOKIE: [Normal voice] Sorry. [Deep voice] Sounds like somebody's got a date. LORELAI: Nice. LOGAN'S APARTMENT [Rory is unpacking, and gets the Rocket out and places it on a table, Looks at a clock, gets out her phone and calls Logan.] LOGAN: [answering service] Hey, this is Logan Huntzberger. Leave a message. RORY: Hey, it's me. I just got back to Yale. I thought I would try you and see if you're there, but you're not. [Chuckles] I thought you would be, but you're not. Fascinating, my thought process, isn't it? Okay, I'll talk to you later. Bye. [Hangs up then the cell phone rings] RORY: Hey! RICHARD: Well, hello, Rory. You sound chipper. RORY: Oh, hi, grandpa. RICHARD: You're back at Yale? RORY: Yep. Back at Yale. EMILY: [In the back ground] Tell her the good news, Richard! RICHARD: I'm coming to that. EMILY: [Yelling] It's very exciting! RORY: What's exciting? RICHARD: Well, when I was at my Yale class reunion, I had a chance to meet one of my former classmates, Harold Laken. You know him as the dean of undergraduate education. Harold was also a fellow Whiffenpoof. EMILY: The news, Richard! RICHARD: Yes, right well I-it seems there was a sudden vacancy in the economics department, and they need someone to teach a course this semester, and Harold immediately thought of me. EMILY: Can you believe it? Your grandfather, a professor! RICHARD: I'm just a visiting lecturer. EMILY: [Looking at a jacket] Too starchy. Too starchy? RICHARD: No, I like -- I like -- EMILY: Too starchy. RICHARD: What I want to know is whether you'd be okay with this. I'm gonna be on the campus at the same time you are, and there's a chance we might run into one another. RORY: I promise, you will not cramp my style. RICHARD: Well, that's wonderful, because I have to admit, I'm really quite excited about it. RORY: That's great, grandpa. Congratulations. Well, why don't we meet up after your first class and grab dinner and celebrate? RICHARD: Oh, I would love that, but I've already scheduled dinner with Harold. EMILY: But, Richard, we have dinner with the Sudburys on Thursday. Remember? We're going to the hill house. RICHARD: Well, I'm sorry, Emily, but I have dinner with the dean, and you can't expect me to include the Sudburys in that. They are insufferable bores. EMILY: No, of course not. I'll just have to have dinner with the sudburys alone. Oh, the life of a faculty widow! RICHARD: Did you hear that, Rory? She's already turned on me. RORY: I heard it, grandpa. LUKE'S DINER LUKE: [Reading] Razor blades? They've expressly forbidden razor blades? KIRK: That's sound policy. LUKE: Are kids at this school showing up with razor blades? I mean listen to this list of stuff they've had to ban. Drug use, bullying, graffiti, theft, spitting, fighting - including but not limited to punching, kicking, gouging, and biting. Seems to me like they're just giving the kids ideas. "Gee, I can't think of any other bad things to do today. Let me look at the manual. Hey, gouging sounds fun!" MISS PATTY: No one at that school is gouging anyone. LUKE: Well, sure. Why bother with that when they've got access to guns, Tasers, knives, and Nunchakus? KIRK: Nunchakus are cool -- and deadly. CAESAR: That's ridiculous. Nobody's bringing Nunchakus to April's school. MISS PATTY: Of course not. CAESAR: They're way too bulky to fit in your sock. Now, mace, on the other hand... LUKE: Mace! kids are walking around with mace? MISS PATTY: Oh, honey, calm down. Nothing's gonna happen to April. They just spell out that stuff for their legal protection. Whenever you're taking care of kids, that's a lotta liability. It's the same with my dance school. LUKE: And nothing bad ever happens? MISS PATTY: Nothing ever happens. Oh, except for that one time. LUKE: What one time? MISS PATTY: Well, I took my senior ballerinas to try out for a performance of "The Nutcracker," and one of the girls pulled a Tonya Harding and knocked the front-runner for Clara out of the competition. Broke her leg in three places. LUKE: That is not nothing. That is the opposite of nothing. MISS PATTY: It's totally different. That was a much rougher crowd. LUKE: Rougher crowd? They're ballerinas. MISS PATTY: Oh, yeah. I know. Everyone thinks, "ballerinas -- so sweet, so fragile." Trust me, they're dancing on stress fractures and ingrown toenails, and they haven't eaten in weeks. [The door bell rings] APRIL: Hey. ANNA: Sorry we're late. We were half way here and April remembered the avocado pit was still in the kitchen, so we had to go back. APRIL: We had to make to make a pit stop. LUKE: [Laughs] MISS PATTY: Hey, honey. APRIL: Hi! LUKE: You remember Miss Patty. APRIL: Sure! LUKE: And Kirk. KIRK: Yo. LUKE: And Caesar. CAESAR: Hey April. ANNA: Look I hate to have to rush, but I actually have to rush. LUKE: That's fine. You go. [Anna and April hug] APRIL: Bye, mom. ANNA: Ooh, I love you, sweetie. APRIL: Say hi to grandma. ANNA: I will. I'll call you when I get there. [Too Luke] Take care of her. LUKE: I will. ANNA: Okay, then. Bye. APRIL: So, is there somewhere I can put the pit down? LUKE: Oh, you know what? Go on upstairs, and I'll bring the bags. MISS PATTY: Look at that turnout. And the hips of Anna Pavlova. [In Russian accent] You must bring her to my ballet class. LUKE: Where ballerinas are maiming each other to be in "The Nutcracker"? Fat chance of that. LUKE'S APARTMENT [Luke and April enter the apartment] LUKE: Okay, here we are. You remember the place. All right. Here's your bed, and a here's the desk. I thought you could do your homework on it. A little chair for reading. I know how you like reading. And this is your dresser. Now, if you have a hanging bag for, like, dresses, you can just hang it in my closet, but I don't seem to remember you wearing a lot of dresses. APRIL: Not big on dresses. LUKE: All right, what else? Here's your kitchen, my bed, bathroom's back there, and the TV. I had a remote but I lost it, so you're gonna have to change the channel by hand by turning this knob here. And here's the telephone. If you're on it and you hear a beeping sound, that's call-waiting, so you've got to hit the flash button to switch over to the other call. APRIL: Maybe I should write all this down. LUKE: Oh, sure! Sure! APRIL: I was just kidding. I know how call-waiting works. LUKE: [Chuckling] Of course you do. You probably also know how to open up a refrigerator and turn on a sink. Okay, well, uh, I'll get out of your way, and you let me know if you need anything. APRIL: Actually, my avocado pit needs light, and it's kind of dark in here. LUKE: Well, there will be a little more light in the morning. APRIL: Will there be less brown in the morning? LUKE: You know, this place is kind of depressing, isn't it? APRIL: [Laughs] I'd say. Sorry if that hurt your feelings. Mom says bluntness isn't my most attractive quality. LUKE: Well, maybe we can pick up a few things. I don't know, some pillows, a rug. You know, lamps -- lamps brighten. APRIL: Hey, we could go to "Targét." LUKE: Oh, sounds kind of fancy. APRIL: No. No, that's just how we say "Target." LUKE: Oh, never been. APRIL: [Laughs] Wow. Um... I don't think I've ever met a person who hasn't been to target. LUKE: Well, now you have, so if you say that's the place to go, so that's where we'll go. APRIL: It's the place to go. LUKE: Okay, so how about tomorrow, after I close up? APRIL: Cool. LUKE: Cool! Alright I'll let you get settled in. APRIL: Okay. LUKE: All right. [April puts the avocado pit experiment near a window, as Luke leaves, looking very proud.] YALE NEWS ROOM RORY: Everyone, congratulations. The first issue of the year is officially locked down. [Light cheering] And special kudos to bill for landing the front page with his campus housing exposé, "dormitory or death trap?" SHEILA: Nice alliteration. BILL: Slugline's half the battle. PARIS: Dormitory renovations -- that's quaint. I recently had the opportunity to be a fly on the wall at the Hartford Courant as the editor selected their lead story. It was down to the wire, and I was on the edge of my seat when right at the last second, a local-corruption story broke. It was thrilling. It made this place look like a joke. RORY: Your point, Paris? PARIS: Oh, I thought I was clear. Compared to the courant, this place is a joke. RORY: Okay. Assignments. Bill, you'll go with part two of the campus-housing series. BILL: Got it. RORY: We need someone to cover the board of trustees meeting. JONI: I'm on that. RORY: Thanks, Joni. And I want to do the traditional freshman class composition article, but I think we need to go deeper than just ethnicities and hometowns. I mean, what is the class of 2010 really about? Maybe take a different look. PARIS: At the courant, they use Indesign to integrate the words into the photos. Gee, do you happen to have an "in" at the courant? JONI: Like, maybe your boyfriend, Doyle? What is he, a fact-checker? PARIS: The most requested fact-checker at the paper. He works seven days a week just to keep up with the demand for his fact-checking. SHEILA: Maybe he's looking to get away from a certain lunatic. PARIS: Jealous much, Sheila? SHEILA: Yeah. You got me. A.K.: So, the art-show piece. I've got a problem. RORY: Animal, vegetable, or mineral? A.K.: I kind of had a thing with one of the artists in the show. RORY: Okay. Animal. A.K.: I just can't do it. RORY: That's fine. I can do it. That's it. Class dismissed. So, you want to go to this art-show thing with me tonight? PARIS: Sorry can't, Doyle's celebrating his one-month anniversary with the paper. Having drinks with the staff bigwigs over at Duffy's. RORY: Cool. PARIS: Yeah. He's pretty loved. Actually, we both are. We're like the Ephron and Bernstein of the group. I think it's going to be quite a fete. Doyle says the editor of the metro section might even show. RORY: That's cool. Well, I can just go by myself. PARIS: You know if you're desperate, you could force one of these staffers to go. I used to do that all the time when I was editor. I dragged Bill everywhere. That is, until the time I picked him up to go to the groundbreaking for the new chemistry research building, and he was wearing a cable-knit sweater that had "date" written all over it. As if. RORY: I'm not desperate. PARIS: Look don't give me those Rory Gilmore puppy-dog eyes. Even if I am your best friend, I have to look out for my career first, then Doyle's, then you. RORY: Go to your party, Paris. Be the couple whose divorce was so painful that it was memorialized in both literature and film. I'll be fine. PARIS: Oh, yeah. Now it's just sad. LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM [Lorelai comes down the stairs as the doorbell rings] LORELAI: Huh! Um... kind of, uh, casual, seemingly routine dating clothes. CHRISTOPHER: Was that intended as a compliment? 'Cause it didn't come out like one. [They kiss] LORELAI: No, you look good. But how hard is it to look good when you know where you're going? Not that hard. CHRISTOPHER: I could get some points. LORELAI: I, on the other hand, had to come up with an outfit that could easily convert from totally formal to totally casual with just a few moves. Look, here I am, all ready for an elegant, New York night on the town, carriage ride through the park, dinner at Pastis, drinks at the Aalgonquin, but if I change my shoes and throw on a cardigan and add necklace number two, then I am ready for a concert at the new haven green, or I could use my cardigan to cover up the security camera in case the date turns into some sort of heist. CHRISTOPHER: I'd prefer the sexy shoes to the sandals, but you should be comfortable. LORELAI: Comfortable? "Comfortable" like we're gonna eat Moroccan and sit on the floor, or "comfortable" like we're gonna go up steps? [starts jumping] Steps? Steps? Steps? Are we going to the met? [they kiss again] CHRISTOPHER: No hints. [leaving the house they go outside] LORELAI: So, tell me now. Now! Tell me! [Gasps, as she see a classic old red Mustang convertible] Oh, hello, "bullet." Are you taking me on a car chase through the streets of San Francisco? CHRISTOPHER: It's cool, right? LORELAI: It's really cool. CHRISTOPHER: You like it? LORELAI: I love it. So is this the thing? CHRISTOPHER: It's a thing. LORELAI: But is this the special thing you planned? 'Cause if it is, I want to give it its due. If it's not, I want to have the proper level of enjoyment while still reserving myself for the actual special thing. CHRISTOPHER: The car is part of the thing. It's not the whole thing. LORELAI: Alright I don't want to peek too soon. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah that's never good. LORELAI: Ooh, You're being a gentleman. Is that the special thing? CHRISTOPHER: I always open your door. LORELAI: Bucket seats -- is that the special thing? No? Take a good, long look at my hair now 'cause it's not gonna look like this for the rest of the night. [Chris gets in and starts the car.] Rumbly engine -- is that the special thing? CHRISTOPHER: Buckle your seatbelt. LORELAI: Buckling my seatbelt -- is that the special thing? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, that's it. You're all buckled up. Date's over. LORELAI: Oh. LUKE'S APARTMENT LUKE: Look at this -- 12-pack of socks for $6. 24 socks for 6 bucks. That's only 25 cents a sock. APRIL: I knew you'd like it. LUKE: Oh, this looks good. APRIL: You picked it out. LUKE: Well, you said tablecloth. APRIL: That's true. LUKE: What's the name of that blue again? APRIL: Uh, cerulean. I'm really into cerulean. LUKE: Yeah, I can see why. APRIL: I used to be really into olive. Everything was olive, you know? It was my backpack, my pants, my sneakers. It was all olive. And then one day, I just -- I woke up, and I was like, "olive? I don't like olive. Not to wear, not to eat. Olive -- bleh." LUKE: [Laughs] Well, you know what? I'm really glad we did it. We had fun, and the place looks great. APRIL: And, you know, now, anytime you want, you can have a nice dinner on this table. LUKE: That's true. APRIL: You could put flowers in this vase and use it like a centerpiece. LUKE: Uh-huh. APRIL: You could dim the lights, light these candles. LUKE: We can do it tonight if you want. APRIL: Yeah. Or, you know, you could do it when you have a lady over. LUKE: Oh? APRIL: It'd be really nice. And she would be totally comfortable in here now. LUKE: Right. Uh, you know what? Why don't we, uh, set up the desk lamp so you can get at your homework? APRIL: Actually, they don't give homework on the first day of school. One teacher said he was gonna give us homework. He even wrote it on the board, but the homework was just, "cover your books." How lame is that? LUKE: Very lame. APRIL: I know. LUKE: So I'll set it up so you can get to it tomorrow. APRIL: Cool. Um, I'm gonna start covering my books. Can I grab some grocery bags? LUKE: Yeah, go for it. It's under the sink. [SCENE_BREAK] UNKNOWN ROAD - NIGHT [Chris and Lorelai and driving] LORELAI: You know, you can admit it if you're lost. I will not lose any respect for you. CHRISTOPHER: I'm not lost. Well, then, are you planning to murder me? Because people will notice I'm gone. They'll look for me. Paul Anka saw me leave with you. He'll bark. He will bark, and he'll sell you down the river. [Barking] Chris! Chris! [They pull up at an old barn and Chris honks to horn] LORELAI: Good, finally asking for directions. CHRISTOPHER: We're here. LORELAI: Here, where? Are we at Woodstock? I think we're late. CHRISTOPHER: Shh! Just give it a minute. LORELAI: [Gasps] Oh, are we meditating? I think you need a word to repeat. I don't have a word. CHRISTOPHER: Stop talking. LORELAI: That's two words. CHRISTOPHER: Shh. LORELAI: Oh. "Shh." I like it. Shh... [a projector starts up] Ooh! What the -- [Thematic music plays, Lorelai is surprised. "Funny Face" starts playing] I love this movie. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckling] Check the glove compartment. LORELAI: Oh, my god. CHRISTOPHER: Hold this. [you can here the movie playing "...Your funny face"] CHRISTOPHER: And... popcorn. LORELAI: Oh, my god. You're unbelievable! CHRISTOPHER: I thought it was time we saw a movie we wouldn't complain about. [Military march plays] LORELAI: I... [Military march continues] MOVIE: [woman speaking] Good morning, Mr. Ascot. YALE - RICHARD'S OFFICE RICHARD: [on the phone] mm-hmm. But I have to tell you, Emily, it's a whole new world from the one we remember. EMILY: But the jacket was still appropriate? RICHARD: Oh, the jacket was fine. Although I must say, I felt wildly overdressed. Boys in undershirts and filthy baseball caps -- the girls wearing pajamas and flip-flops. EMILY: Well, it's the style, Richard. RICHARD: Well, it's most peculiar. EMILY: And you were firm with them? That's one thing that never changes. Young people respond to discipline. After all, you don't want your course to be known as a "gut." That's an easy class. I learned that term at dinner with the Sudburys, who learned it from their grandson, Paul. RICHARD: And how are the Sudburys? I hope you gave them my regards. EMILY: Of course. And they sent you theirs and then proceeded to bore me with the details of every stunning vista they witnessed on their recent cruise to Alaska. If you ask me, they saw more of the baked Alaska than anything else. RICHARD: [Chuckles] You poor thing. You have a disappointing evening, and I have to give you the bum's rush to make my dinner with Harold at the faculty club. EMILY: That's all right. You enjoy yourself. I probably won't wait up, so I'll say good night now. RICHARD: Good night, dear. [Police Siren chirps] EMILY: Oh, for Pete's sake! What now? [Emily pulls over] POLICE OFFICER: License and registration, please? EMILY: Why do you need to see my license? I wasn't speeding. POLICE OFFICER: You were on a cell phone, ma'am. EMILY: I don't see how that's your concern. Do my bills go to your office? POLICE OFFICER: It is illegal in Connecticut to talk on a cell phone while operating a vehicle. EMILY: Well, that is absurd. I can't talk on my own phone in my own car? POLICE OFFICER: License and registration, ma'am. EMILY: If I can manage to drink a cup of hot coffee and drive, I can talk on a cell phone. Or is coffee illegal, too? Can I listen to the radio? Can I open the glove compartment? Perhaps you should outlaw scratching your nose. That would certainly cut down on accidents. POLICE OFFICER: Ma'am, have you been drinking? EMILY: What? No! This is outrageous. You know, right now, someone is robbing a Kwiki mart, and you're standing there harassing me. POLICE OFFICER: I'm going to need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me. EMILY: Young man, I don't know where that's been, but I can say with absolute certainty it won't be going anywhere near my mouth. ART SHOW [Rory is waling through looking at the art displays and making notes] RORY: Excuse me. Do you know what the light bulbs are all about? [the lights come on and go out after a few seconds] ELIJAH: Shock in your system. RORY: Effective. [Rory moves on and comes to a water cooler] LUCY: What are you doing? RORY: Um, me? LUCY: She's touching your art. OLIVIA: What are you doing? Are you actually drinking that water? RORY: Oh, um, I didn't know it was art, I thought it was just a water cooler. There's no sign or anything. OLIVIA: "Just a water cooler." LUCY: That's her self-portrait. [Rory looks worried] I'm kidding! It's just a water cooler. [both girls start giggling] RORY: Oh. Okay. LUCY: We were messing with you. She is an artist, though. OLIVIA: I made the horse. RORY: Oh, I really like that one. OLIVIA: Well, thanks. RORY: It looks really big. It looks bigger than the doorway. OLIVIA: Yeah well, it turns out it is, as I found out like four hours before the show was gonna start. I had to detach the head, then reattach it when I got here. Does it look crooked? RORY: Um, not to me. OLIVIA: No, it does. LUCY: Oh if it does look crooked, which it doesn't, I think it looks better than it did before -- more jaunty. RORY: What's it made out of? OLIVIA: Cans mostly. Tinfoil. A couple hubcaps. I do stuff with found objects. I mean if you could call it trash, but that'd be kind of negative. LUCY: She once made this sculpture of an old lady out of plastic sandwich bags and milk cartons, which was so cool. She's awesome. OLIVIA: Oh, shut up! RORY: So you're Olivia Marquont? OLIVIA: Impressive. LUCY: What are you, a spy? RORY: Actually, I'm here for the paper. I'm Rory. OLIVIA: Oh, the press. So what do you think? RORY: Honestly, I don't know. I like your piece, and I think I like the robot in the underpants. OLIVIA: The robot is genius. LUCY: Olivia thinks everything is genius. OLIVIA: Only genius stuff. LUCY: Okay so, you're on the paper? Oh, my god, we used to be totally obsessed with this girl who was on the paper -- Paris Geller. RORY: Sure. LUCY: You know Paris? RORY: I know Paris. LUCY: Okay, freshman year, we were in this moral-reasoning class with Paris, and she was the most intense person we'd ever met. RORY: Um, she's pretty much like that all the time. I actually went to high school with Paris. OLIVIA: Paris Geller is a genius, and I will go to the mat on that one. LUCY: Okay you've got to let us show you around the rest of the show. RORY: That's cool. LUCY: Come on we'll help you with your article, give you the skinny on everyone. OLIVIA: Did you see the light bulb thing? RORY: Um, my retinas are still ringing. LUCY: Our friend Joel did that. He just transferred from M.I.T. Dude's wicked smart. His work is always about technology. OLIVIA: I think Joel's a genius, but I'll admit, I could be biased by the fact that he's a total fox. RORY: Is that the guy in the '70s prom tuxedo? LUCY: No, that's Elijah. He's doing a performance piece. He's been doing it since we were juniors. Who knows if it'll ever end? Okay, you've got to see our friend kasha's piece. It's called "girl without clothes," and it's far out. BARN MOVIE [Movie is playing and there is music] MOVIE: "You can't blame me for feeling avarice oh, S'Wonderful S'Marvelous that you should care for me [Music swells and ends] LORELAI: Ooh, it's so good! It's so chock-full of...words like "chock-full." And even if Audrey Hepburn was 20 and Fred Astaire was, like, 80... CHRISTOPHER: He's still Fred Astaire. LORELAI: I mean, he could really tap-dance. That was so nice, Chris. That was so romantic and fun and wonderful. CHRISTOPHER: S'wonderful? LORELAI: S'Marvelous. CHRISTOPHER: I'm glad you liked it. LORELAI: I did. I really liked it. CHRISTOPHER: You know, the evening doesn't have to end here. Gigi's staying with my mom. We could go back to my place. LORELAI: Oh. That's nice. CHRISTOPHER: N-nice? LORELAI: No, that's not what I meant. Um... CHRISTOPHER: We don't have to. LORELAI: No, I want to. CHRISTOPHER: You do? LORELAI: I do, but I don't know if... CHRISTOPHER: ...you want to. LORELAI: ...If I should. CHRISTOPHER: Ok. LORELAI: I mean, everything's good, you know? It's going really good. CHRISTOPHER: It's really good. LORELAI: Yeah, and I'm feeling good. CHRISTOPHER: But? LORELAI: I don't, uh... know if I trust you. CHRISTOPHER: Really? LORELAI: Not just you. Me too. I'm not sure if I trust us yet with this. CHRISTOPHER: Oh. LORELAI: It's scary. CHRISTOPHER: I'm scared, too. LORELAI: I just hoped maybe... we could stay here in this place for a little while longer. CHRISTOPHER: Well, it's gonna snow eventually. LORELAI: Right. CHRISTOPHER: It's fine. We should wait. I can wait. LORELAI: Are you sure? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. LORELAI: Thank you. All this is perfect. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] Okay. [Sighs] LORELAI: [Lorelai's cell phone rings] Hello? This is she. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: Oh. Yes! CHRISTOPHER: What is it? Who are you talking to? LORELAI: Is she okay? What did she... okay. Where are you? Uh-huh. I know where that is. Oh... I'll be right there. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye. CHRISTOPHER: What? LORELAI: We have to go. We have to pick up my mother... from jail. CHRISTOPHER: [Chuckles] Your mother's in jail? LORELAI: Ooh, this night keeps getting better and better. Let's go. LUKE'S APARTMENT LUKE: [Sighs] You brush your teeth? APRIL: They're brushed. LUKE: So, there's a clear path to the bathroom. Can I get you a night-light? APRIL: [Chuckling] I'm 13. LUKE: I'll take that as a "no." I thought you didn't have any homework. APRIL: I don't. This is more for pleasure. LUKE: Sure. Sure, a little light reading before bed. APRIL: I love my biology teacher. She is so smart, and she's really pretty. She has this long, brown hair that she kind of just whooshes up into a clip. She has all these piercings, but it's just on one ear, and she likes to fish. LUKE: No kidding? A pretty fisher/scientist woman. APRIL: And I know she's single because last year her name was Mrs. Johnson, and this year it's Ms. Kaplan, so I was thinking, one day, I could conveniently forget my biology book, and you could bring it by for me, and then maybe you could... LUKE: Have dinner at the candlestick table with Ms. Kaplan? APRIL: Exactly. LUKE: [Sits on the end of April's bed and sighs] Look, April... [Sighs] I guess you know Lorelai and I broke up. APRIL: Yeah, my mom sort of told me. LUKE: Okay, well, sometimes that happens, you know? Sometimes it doesn't work out between people, and it's nobody's fault. APRIL: It's all about pheromones. LUKE: Right. [Chuckles] But I want you to know I'm okay, and you don't have to take care of me. I'm here to take care of you. Okay? APRIL: Okay. LUKE: Good night. APRIL: Good night. Is it okay if I read a little more before I turn out the light? LUKE: Real page-turner, huh? APRIL: Oh, yeah. Mitosis is insane. LUKE: Knock yourself out. POLICE STATION [Lorelai is really happy and taking photos on here cell phone of the officers] LORELAI: Oh...got it! Thank you! Am I smiling too much? CHRISTOPHER: You're smiling a lot. LORELAI: All right, I'll try to bring it down a notch. EMILY: Well, it's about time. Oh, good. I get to walk this filthy floor again. I don't need any help walking. Thank you! [an officer hands Emily her stuff, and puts on her shoes] Oh, thank you for giving me things that already belong to me. Well, you can all be very proud of yourselves. You're doing a crack job. You finally got menace-to-society Emily Gilmore off the streets. You'll be hearing from my lawyer. Come on. [pointing to Lorelai's phone] Put that thing away. LORELAI: [takes a final photo] One, two, three! Ah! [Laughs] Smile! Cheese! Oh, I got you already. I'll get [Chris drags her away] okay, later. Bye! DRIVING IN THE MUSTANG [The top is still down, Chris and Lorelai are smiling and Emily is in the back not looking happy.] LORELAI: Do you mind if I turn on the music, mom? EMILY: That's fine. LORELAI: Whatcha in the mood for? "Jailhouse rock"? "Folsom prison blues"? EMILY: [sarcastically] You're very funny, Lorelai. LORELAI: No, no, no. I know, I know. "Working on the chain gang." EMILY: Yes, it's all quite amusing, isn't it? My being arrested, held behind bars, manhandled, and patted down? Hardee-har. LORELAI: Aw. I just have one question for you, mom. Why on earth did you call me? I mean, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for that incredible gift. You don't need to get me anything for the next five Christmases. But why did you call me, not dad? EMILY: It was his first night teaching at Yale. He was having dinner with the dean. I'm not about to call him so he can excuse himself to come bail his wife out of jail. I can't begin to tell you how incompetent our police department is. That officer Peters who pulled me over -- he's going to be receiving a big, fat subpoena, and I'm not stopping there. [just noticing the car she is in] Wait. What is this? What's this car? What's going on here? Are you two on a date? LORELAI: No way. You are not changing the subject. We're not talking about anything else except you in the clink. Now, come on. Spill. What was it like on the inside, huh? Did you try to tunnel your way out with a spoon? You know. Did they try to make you join a gang? And, mom, now that you're on the outside and they're still on the inside, are they gonna try to use you as some kind of prison mule? I just... so much I need to know! [Sighs] HALLWAY TO LOGAN'S APARTMENT LUCY: So, after my third callback, he says to me, "a girl can't play Oscar Wilde. I want people to take this production seriously," like he's Peter Brook OLIVIA: or something and not some goateed sophomore from Arkansas. LUCY: So I give him my most foppish stare and say, "life is too important to be taken seriously." RORY: Nice. LUCY: But on the way out, as I'm making my dramatic exit, I walk right into the glass door. RORY: No. Ouch! [they go into the apartment] LUCY: So the next semester, he keeps hounding me about how I'd be perfect for his production of "California suite" because I have such a gift for physical comedy. RORY: [Chuckles] LUCY: [looking around] Holy crap! Your boyfriend is rich. OLIVIA: And he's got some wild stuff. I mean, what's this about? [looking at the knight suit] LUCY: Well, I must eat. I'm positively famished. OLIVIA: Nice sound system [starts a CD] LUCY: Do you have popcorn? RORY: Um, yeah, there should be some in there. LUCY: You have a hell of a lot of rice in here, Rory. White rice, brown rice, long-stem rice. You are simply crazy for rice. RORY: Who doesn't like rice? LUCY: Look who found an air popper! OLIVIA: Genius. LUCY: Now we just need some popcorn. Or something else that could be cooked in here. Rice. Who's up for a late-night snack of air-popped rice? RORY: [Cell phone rings] Oh, wow, that must be my Logan call. I didn't realize it was so late already. LUCY: Time flies when you're partying with artist. RORY: Hey! [Logan in his office] LOGAN: Hey. RORY: Hi. LOGAN: What's going on? You having a party, Ace? Oh, no, I'm just hanging out with a few friends. LOGAN: Just friends, huh? RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: Anybody I know or..? RORY: No. Just some girls I met. OLIVIA: Hi, Logan! LUCY: Hi, Logan! LOGAN: Just girls, huh? Your new boyfriend's not over. RORY: Nope. Just us girls hanging out in our underwear, throwing pillows at each other - you know girl stuff. LOGAN: Sounds very wholesome and loud. RORY: Yeah, we're... LUCY: Hey, Rory! RORY: [to Logan] Um, hold on just a sec. [to Lucy] Yeah? LUCY: This says it's popcorn, but it looks so fancy. Can I open it, or are you saving it for a special occasion or something? RORY: Go ahead. [back to Logan] Hey, uh, sorry. Is it okay if I call you back later? LOGAN: Sure, no problem. Have fun. RORY: I will. Love you. Bye. LUCY: Is that too much popcorn? RORY: Uh, yeah. LUCY: I'm really hungry. [continues filling the air popper and spilling it on the counter.] OLIVIA: Okay. Someone's got some explaining to do. [holding up something that looks like you use to walk on snow.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - EXTERIOR LORELAI: I mean they escorted her out in her stocking feet. CHRISTOPHER: Her shoes in a bag. LORELAI: Somewhere in my youth or childhood... CHRISTOPHER: ...you must have done something good. LORELAI: The universe owed me this one. CHRISTOPHER: I'm glad you had fun. LORELAI: I did. Didn't you have fun? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I did. It was great. LORELAI: It was one of the "great" greats. What? CHRISTOPHER: Nothing. I feel I may have gotten overshadowed a bit. I mean how's my little barn movie supposed to compare with your mom in jail? LORELAI: Chris, no! It was just the cherry on top, the mint on the pillow of what was already a perfect night. No, I loved our date. It was amazing. I loved the movie. I'll never forget the movie I saw the night I picked my mother up from jail. CHRISTOPHER: You're never gonna get tired of saying that, are you? LORELAI: "Picked up my mom from jail"? No, I don't think I ever will. I'm just so glad you were with me tonight. I mean, anybody else who would have seen me laughing as I bailed my mother out of jail would have just thought I was completely deranged. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I know you're deranged but for completely different reasons. LORELAI: I mean, you just get it, and you make everything fun, and it's so nice to be with someone who understands you and makes you... [they kiss] CHRISTOPHER: I'll call you tomorrow. LORELAI: Gigi's with her grandmother? CHRISTOPHER: She is. LORELAI: You want to come in? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. [they kiss as music from the movie plays again, "S'Wonderful S'Marvelous, That you should care for me"]

Lorelai and Christopher have begun to date, and although Lorelai is finding it difficult to fully commit to the relationship, Christopher keeps coming up with romantic dates to win her over. Back at Yale, Rory meets some eccentric new girlfriends at an art exhibit, and Richard becomes a guest lecturer. April comes to stay with Luke for a few weeks while Anna is out of town. Finally, Emily gets arrested and Lorelai has to bail her out of jail. First appearance of Olivia ( Michelle Ongkingco ) and Lucy ( Krysten Ritter ).

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_04x15

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Emma: Maleficent's back. You should be looking for the author. He left hidden clues in some of his works. August might know something about it that we don't. Too bad he isn't around to ask. But Pinocchio is. Pinocchio: Everybody wants me to remember. I just don't. You rode a motorcycle. You wore leather and didn't shave! He's not trying hard enough. We want you to go undercover with them and help us stop their plans. What exactly did you do to Maleficent? Because of us... Maleficent lost her child. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina joins The Queens of Darkness at Granny's Diner.) Regina: So, the rumours are true. You're back from the ashes. Maleficent: What are you doing here, Regina? Regina: Making it easier for you. If you want to try to kill me, I'm right here. Maleficent: So that's why you think I'm back... To kill you. Regina: I trapped you underground for 30 years, and you're not big on forgiveness. Maleficent: That's true. But what you did is nothing in the grand scheme. There are far worse crimes that must be answered for. Cruella: Careful, darling. She's thick as thieves with those heroes. Regina: Not by choice. You know how much I wanted my revenge. But in this town, I had to play nice to survive. Alone... Watching them enjoy, the happiness I was denied. If you're planning on destroying some of that happiness, I want in. Ursula: You can't expect us to believe that. Maleficent: Of course she doesn't. That's why she's here. She wants us to see she's still one of us. Regina: I am. Maleficent: Then let's find out. Are you still a bad girl, Regina? Regina: The worst. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Snow White is ridding. Regina watches her. She is angry.) Snow White: Hyah! Come on, Roman. Regina: Well, hurrah for Snow White. (Regina rips Snow White trophies from the walls.) Rumpelstiltskin: Ooh! I love a touch of irony! The day you met Snow White, she nearly died on a horse. And yet today, she's the best rider in all the land. Regina: It's her precious horse that's won those medals, not her. Rumpelstiltskin: Still, good fortune does tend to, uh, fall in her lap, does it not? Regina: And you promised to teach me magic so I can end her charmed life! Rumpelstiltskin: Well, I'm teaching you, dearie. Though you sound a bit impatient. Sneaking out here to read... What is it? Maleficent's spell book? Regina: I found it in my mother's things. She can turn into... Rumpelstiltskin: A fire-breathing dragon. Yes, yes, yes. A bit showy if you ask me. Regina: I'm just tired of watching snow grow up. I am tired of her getting everything, and I... I want to finally have my revenge. Rumpelstiltskin: You don't even know what revenge looks like, dearie. Regina: You're right. All I know what your lessons look like, and they're taking me nowhere. Rumpelstiltskin: Before you start throwing stones, you might want to look in the mirror. And I'm not speaking metaphorically. (A landscape appears on the mirror.) Regina: What is this place? Rumpelstiltskin: It's a wasteland. But years ago, it was a lush forest till Maleficent burned it down. Her dragon flame burned so hot that there's one tree still on fire half a lifetime later. Regina: Do you know how she did it? Rumpelstiltskin: With a powerful magic that she cultivated with that most precious commodity... Time. If you ignore the gift of time and rush into things, you... Will never be ready. Regina: Or maybe this is all just excuses, and you're just not a skilled enough teacher to show me. Rumpelstiltskin: You think she's gonna help you? Regina: I think I'm tired of waiting. Rumpelstiltskin: And that is exactly your problem. Good luck with Maleficent. (Rumpelstiltskin teleport Regina to the Forbidden Fortress.) Regina: Rumple. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (David, Mary Margaret and Emma are back to their apartment.) Emma: I'm sorry. Regina's doing what? David: She's going undercover. Emma: With someone who could turn into a dragon? Are you out of your minds? Why didn't you call me? David: There wasn't time. She told us the plan. That was it. Emma: You should've told me. Mary Margaret: Why? You really think you could've stopped her? Emma: I could've helped. I was a bail-bonds person. Pretending to be someone else was part of my job. Mary Margaret: I know that, but I really think Regina can take care of herself. Emma: I hope you're right. When is she supposed to check in? Mom? Dad? When is she supposed to check in? David: About an hour ago. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella drives in the forest with her friends.) Regina: Now, will someone please tell me where the hell we're going? Cruella: Want me to spoil all the fun? You'll find out soon enough. Regina: Fine. But out of... Professional curiosity, I have to know, just... How did you two resurrect her? Maleficent: First things first. You see, some of us don't exactly trust you. (Cruella stops the car on railways. A train is coming.) Regina: What are you doing? Cruella: Playing my favourite game. It's called "don't be a hero." First one that saves us loses. Regina: You got to be kidding me. Ursula: You don't like it, then just poof us out of here. (Regina teleport the car.) Regina: Come on. Don't look at me like that. Cruella: I told you she'd gone soft, Mal. Pay up. Maleficent: She's just Rusty. It doesn't mean anything. What do you think? Are we playing too rough for you? Regina: I think we should get out of here... And go find some real trouble. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is looking for clues on the door page.) Belle: Hey. So, um, is... Is that the page that August took out of the storybook? Did you find anything? Henry: I think this door somehow has something to do with the author. I just have to figure out where it is. Belle: You will. Here. (Belle leaves.) Henry: Come on, August. What are you trying to tell me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma drives to Granny's Diner. She meets Hook.) Emma: Find anything in there? Hook: Well, a burned table, broken bottles, uh, and a very irate Granny. Apparently, Regina and the witches drank the place dry. I'd say she won them over. Emma: Unless that's exactly what they wanted her to think. Hook: Look, I know you're worried, but we don't even know what happened yet. Emma: That's what's worrying me. She's not at home. She's not in her office. My parents are gonna check her vault, but... Hook: And you fear the worst. Emma: I can't help but think, if the undercover thing worked, if she's got the situation under control, then why the hell isn't she back yet? [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Mary Margaret are looking for Regina into the wood.) Mary Margaret: Maybe this was a bad idea. If something happened to Regina... David: No, like you said, she'll be fine. She can take care of herself. Mary Margaret: Look! (David stops the car.) David: That's one of my sheriff's cars. What the hell happened? Regina: Maleficent happened. And that is her idea of a good time. Mary Margaret: Regina... Are you okay? What happened last night? Regina: I had to prove myself. Which meant some drinking, some burning, and lots of destruction. Sorry about the car. And you really shouldn't be here. Next time, we have to meet covertly. David: Next time? You didn't find out what they're planning? Regina: It was one night. But I did find out they're hiding something, something incredibly powerful. Mary Margaret: Well, what is it? Regina: I don't know. Mary Margaret: So, the only thing you accomplished was property destruction? Regina: I accomplished trust. Last time, I had to come to Maleficent. This time, she'll come to me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina enters in the Forbidden Fortress/ She looking for Maleficent.) Regina: Hello? Maleficent? I've... Been studying magic. Beginner stuff. But I thought... Maybe... Perhaps you can teach me? Maleficent: Why don't you show me what you've learned and light that fireplace. Regina: Come on. Come on! (Regina successes.) Maleficent: That's pathetic. But it'll do. Ugh, that feels nice. I haven't had a proper fire in... Years. Regina: What's that? Maleficent: You won't read about this in any spell book. A single drop of sleeping curse mixed with seawater, toadstool... Takes the edge off. What's the matter, dear? I'm not everything you expected? Regina: What happened to you? Maleficent: A Rose. A Briar Rose. Regina: The one you put under a sleeping curse. Maleficent: Until king Stefan the square jawed undid all my work with true love's kiss. Do you know what? I don't even care anymore. Regina: The Maleficent I read about, she would never just give up. Y-you need to remember who you really are. Maleficent: That Maleficent had a foul temper, and if you insulted her, she'd turn into a dragon and eat your flesh. It's a good thing for you I already had breakfast. Take your dusty book and get out of my castle. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Queen of Darkness enter in Mr Gold's cabin.) Mr Gold: Well, where the hell have you been all night? Maleficent: Don't be nasty. Regina came to find us. We had some catching up to do. Mr Gold: Regina? What was she after? Ursula: She was sniffing around for information. Mr Gold: I assume you didn't tell her I'm what you're hiding. Cruella: Oh, we were careful, darling. She doesn't know a thing. Maleficent: Very interesting plan, bringing us all together. Mr Gold: My plan's just beginning. But Regina does present an intriguing possibility. Maleficent: Do you really think she'll help us? Mr Gold: My Heartbreak turned her into a monster once. And now her heart's been broken a new. She's lost another love and is in great pain. Maleficent: As you and I both know, pain always makes you stronger. Mr Gold: Indeed it does. When war hits Storybrooke, everyone's gonna have to pick a side, including Regina. Maleficent: And what war is that? Mr Gold: Oh, the one we're about to start. And tonight... We're gonna throw the first punch. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is walking on a road. A carriage stops) A man: Driver, stop! My dear, what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere? Regina: Walking home... To Leopold's castle. A man: Oh. That's a long walk. If you'd like, I can take you as far as the next kingdom. I'm headed that way for the royal wedding. Regina: What wedding? A man: I assume you've heard of the queen? Briar Rose? Her daughter Aurora is to be wed. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina brings an Aurora's wed invitation to Maleficent.) Regina: Briar Rose's daughter is getting married! A whole new generation is getting their happy endings while you sit up here and rot! Maleficent: And why in the hell do you care so much? Regina: Because if... Someone as powerful as you can't get their revenge... That means I never will. Maleficent: So, you've had someone taken from you, too? Regina: Yes. And the girl who's responsible lives and breathes. And I still don't have my revenge. Maleficent: Do you want some advice from me? Give up. Find another hobby. Regina: No. Isn't this a reason to get up? To turn back into a dragon? To fight? Maleficent: I can't. Regina: Doesn't this make your blood boil? Maleficent: Did you hear me, stupid girl? I can't! I can't... Turn into a dragon anymore. I lost the fire a long time ago. Regina: Then let's get that fire back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Regina's vault.) Maleficent: Sorry we couldn't stay to clean. Regina: Oh, that's okay. You need the beauty sleep more than I do. Maleficent: It's good to see you again, Regina. Hope you had fun last night. Regina: Last night? Yes. This morning? No. Maleficent: Hmm. Maybe I can help... With this world's version of magic. Don't worry. They're not poison. They're aspirin. They help with the pain. Regina: I know what they are. It's just you're not usually nice. Maleficent: Nice has nothing to do with it. I need you sharp tonight. Regina: For what? More games? Maleficent: No. No more games. You want to know why we're in this town? The fact is, we are after the same thing as you... The author. Regina: How do you know about the author? Maleficent: Rumplestiltskin. He spilled the whole story to Cruella back in New York. Regina: Well, good luck finding him. I've been looking for months. Maleficent: But you've been going about it all wrong. What you need are some new allies with new leads on this author. Regina: And these new leads, do they have anything to do with this powerful magic you're hiding? Maleficent: Before I let you in on that secret, I've got a little job for you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, David, Mary Margaret and Hook enter in the library to meet Regina.) David: Hey, we're here. Regina: I said we needed to meet covertly. Now I see you brought the entire Charming softball team and their pirate mascot? Mary Margaret: We were worried about you. Regina: Well, then worry quickly. I can't be seen with all of you. Emma: Regina, listen to me. This is a bad idea. This woman, this dragon, she's dangerous, and you don't know the first thing about going undercover. Regina: I'm a quick study, and Maleficent already told me why they're here. Apparently, they're after the author, too. I simply want him to change my fate. Emma: What do they want? Regina: They want to shift the entire balance so that villains win and heroes lose. They feel the only way to get their happy ending is to destroy yours. Emma: Do you think they can find the author? Regina: They have a lead, we don't. And tonight, they want me to help them steal it... Whatever it is. Emma: I'm telling you, these things never end well. Regina: I understand your concern, but I'm in. Emma: Okay, well, then I'm in too. Regina: What? Emma: I'm gonna stick by you. I'm gonna get your back while you do this. Regina: No. It's too dangerous. Emma: I said I was a part of operation mongoose. I am a part of it. You wanted my help... Now you're gonna get it No matter what it means for both of us. Whatever she has planned tonight, I'll be there. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina is waiting for the Queen of Darkness. Emma is ready to follow them. Cruella's car arrives, empty.) Maleficent: Ready to take a drive? Regina: You want me to get in that? Maleficent: Cruella enchanted it to drive itself, or you could take the wheel if you prefer. Regina: Yes, I'd very much prefer. Where are the other two? Maleficent: Don't worry about them. It's just you and me tonight, like old times. (Regina gets in the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] (At Granny's Diner.) Belle: You have to try some of this cake. It's delicious. Hook: Well, look at which two survivors found a dinghy together. I do hope I'm not interrupting. Belle: Uh, Killian, this is... This is Will. Have the two of you met? Will: That we have, yeah. Belle: Ah. Will: Now, before you give in to your pugilistic urges, let's take this outside away from the lady, shall we? Belle: And you clearly don't get along. Hook: As much as I'd enjoy blooding you again, I'm here for Belle. We need to talk in private. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the kitchen of Granny's Diner.) Belle: And no one knows what these three witches want Regina to help them steal? Hook: Not for sure. But they're powerful witches seeking more power, and who's more powerful than the Dark One? His dagger... It's still in town, isn't it? Belle: Why do you think they're after it? Hook: What better way to find the author than by getting the Dark One to do it for you? Belle: But how? Isn't it useless as long as he's outside of Storybrooke? Hook: Unless they found a way to lure him back. Belle: Any one of them could control him. Or even worse... Use the dagger to kill him and become the Dark One herself. Hook: No. We won't let that happen. I assume you hid the dagger somewhere safe. Belle: Yeah, of course. Hook: Then let's move it. Belle: What? Hook: They knew him on the outside. They may have gleaned much about you. And where you might hide something. We have to put it somewhere they would never think to look. Belle: But where? Hook: Don't worry about that. If you want to bury treasure where no one could find it, leave it to a pirate. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma follows Cruella's car.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella's car stops before Marco's house.) Maleficent: We're here. Regina: This can't be right. This is Marco's house, the town handyman. The only magical object you'll find here is duct tape. Maleficent: I assure you, there's something far more valuable. Actually, someone... That naughty little piece of pine he calls a son. Regina: The magical object you're after is Pinocchio? Maleficent: He has information about the author, and we intend to make him tell us. Regina: Which would be a good plan if I hadn't tried already. He doesn't remember anything. Maleficent: Maybe the trouble was you not asking your questions more forcefully. Regina: What's that supposed to mean? Maleficent: I'm beginning to worry Cruella and ursula were right. You've spent so much time around heroes, you've forgotten who you really are. Regina: I'd be careful questioning my commitment. Maleficent: You want to prove to me you're the Evil Queen I remember, go inside there now and steal that little boy. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Maleficent's castle.) Maleficent: So, there's a tree I burned that's still on fire. Who cares? What does it matter? Regina: That's your spark. That's what's going to reignite The Dragon inside you. Now, get dressed. [SCENE_BREAK] (Before the fire tree, Maleficent try to suck the fire.) Regina: Did it work? Maleficent: I'm not sure. Regina: We're about to find out. Look. (King Stefan and his knight arrive.) Maleficent: Hello, Stefan. Stefan: Maleficent... I promise, if you intend to take away Aurora's happiness, you will fail... Just as you failed with Briar Rose. Maleficent: You made sure of that, didn't you? Stefan: Men, seize them! (Maleficent tries to turn into a dragon but failed.) Stefan: It would appear that you've made a fool of yourself once again... Maleficent. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Marco's house.) Marco: Wonderful work, Pinocchio. She's ready, huh? All that is left is to see how she gallops. Pinocchio: How's that, papa? Marco: She is a steed fit for a prince. (Regina enters.) Regina: Hello, Marco, Pinocchio. May I come in? Marco: Of course. Is, uh... Is everything all right? (Regina makes Marco and Pinocchio sleep. Emma enters.) Emma: Regina. Regina: Emma! What are you doing here? Emma: I've been watching you. I saw you casting a sleeping spell, and my gut said something was wrong. Regina: Well, it will be if you don't get out of here. Emma: Not until you tell me what Maleficent has you in here doing. Regina: They're after Pinocchio. Emma: I told you these things never end well. We'll have to do this quickly. Let's take him out the back and then find a safe place. Regina: One little snafu and you're ready to pack up? What happens when Mal realizes and lets loose her inner dragon? Emma: This is a child we are talking about, Regina. It's too big a risk. Regina: Not if I'm there to keep him safe. If they try to harm him, I'll stop them and fight my way out. Emma: Three of them! One of you. Regina: I know you think I'm in over my head, but I got this. You don't know them like I do. Emma: Then enlighten me, because ever since they came to town, my superpower's been going haywire, like everyone, including my own parents, is keeping something from me. Regina: Emma, the only ones keeping secrets are Maleficent and her friends. They've taken a page out of the heroes' playbook. They're working together, which means we have to take a page out of theirs and break some rules. Emma: I'll be right on your tail. I see anything I don't like, and I will come in blazing. [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina brings Pinocchio to Cruella's car.) Maleficent: It's good to have you back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Forbidden Fortress - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Stefan and his knights catch Regina and Maleficent. Regina tries to free herself by burning her tie.) Maleficent: What are you doing? Regina: I'm not going out like this. Maleficent: You're gonna fight? There's too many of them. Regina: Guess we'll have to hope my fireballs have improved. Maleficent: You can't defeat them. Regina: You're right. Not without a dragon's help. (Regina is freed. She attacks a knight.) Knight: Aah! Ahh! Stefan: Kill her! (Maleficent turns into a dragon.) Stefan: Retreat! Regina: Look who's back. (The dragon attacks Stefan.) Stefan: Aah! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is still in Marco's house. She waits for Regina and Maleficent leave.) Emma: Come on. What's the hold up? Why aren't you... No! (Emma finds Regina's phone on the street.) Emma: No. Regina, what are you doing? (Cruella's car drives into the woods.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Aurora is brushing her hair in her bedroom.) Maleficent: You must be Aurora... Briar rose's sweet-smelling bud of a daughter. Aurora: Maleficent. But my father... Maleficent: Said he was going to protect you. He failed. I was going to kill him, you know. I was going to kill your mother, too, until I realized... They would suffer far worse if they were alive to see what I'm going to do to you. (Aurora tries to escape.) Aurora: My mother defeated you, as shall I. All it will take is what I have and you never will. Maleficent: True love? Don't count on it. I have my own quite special curse in mind for your prince Phillip. (Maleficent jab Aurora's finger.) Aurora: No! (Aurora falls asleep.) Regina: That was inspired. Maleficent: Well, it never would've happened if it wasn't for you. You reminded me of who I am. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle brought Hook where she hides the dagger.) Belle: Thank goodness it's safe. Do, uh... Do you know where you're going to hide it? Hook: The less you know about it, the better. Take Gold's car. You won't seem me again until it's in a place where no one will ever find it. Belle: Thank you, Killian. The idea of Rumple returning after... After everything that happened, I...I don't know what I'd do. Hook: At least you don't have to worry about that now. (Belle hesitates to give Hook the dagger.) Hook: What is it, love? Is something wrong? Belle: Yeah, I just had the most awful thought. What if... What if Rumple's already here? Hook: You mean inside the town lines? Isn't that... Belle: Impossible, yes, but... I don't know. I just have this... This terrible feeling. This is my only protection. Hook: Well, if you're concerned he's here, there's one way to know for sure. Use the dagger. Command him to come face you. If he's here, he has no choice. Belle: Dark One, if you're here, come and face me... Now. Well, guess I was wrong. Here. (She gives Hook the dagger and leaves then Hook turns into Mr Gold.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold enters in his shop with Hook's looks.) Belle: Ah, Killian. So, is the dagger safe? Hook: Yes. And now that it's hidden, we have one last piece of business. We must swear a pirate's oath. We must promise to never talk about what happened today again... To one another or anyone else. It's the only way to assure the dagger stays safe. You have my word. Belle: And you have mine. Hook: I'm guessing that's a gift from your admirer, Will. Belle: Yeah. It was outside when I got here. Hook: If you don't mind, are... Things serious? Belle: What it is, is... It's new. And beyond that, I-i don't know. Hook: You're so... Different. Belle: I know, and, after Rumple, it's so nice to... Spend time with someone who's nothing more than who he says he is. Hook: So you're over him, then, Rumplestiltskin? Belle: I don't know if I can ever be over him. But for now, will makes me smile. Hook: I'm glad to hear that. Goodnight, then. Belle: Oh, Killian, uh... About Will. I was wondering, what h... What happened between you two? Hook: Let's just say he took something I care for. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold comes out his shop. He watches Belle phones Will.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Enchanted Forest - Past ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the stables.) Rumpelstiltskin: How did you get here so soon? Regina: On the back of a dragon. How else? Rumpelstiltskin: You mean Maleficent? I was certain she'd lost that power. Regina: Well, it's more like forgotten... Until I helped her remember who she was. Rumpelstiltskin: I thought it was you that was seeking a teacher, not the other way around. Regina: I was. But then I realized... I already had a teacher, one who was doing quite well with me. Rumpelstiltskin: Glad to hear it. I can see you're doing quite well, too. And why do I get the feeling that that pony's not just taking a nap? Regina: Well, of course he is... For another 100 years or so. Maleficent helped me see death is too good for Snow White. I need to take away what she loves. Rumpelstiltskin: A lesson I've been trying to teach. Regina: Well... I'm finally ready to learn. No matter how long it takes, I can do it. I can get my revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Maleficent leads Regina to Gold's cabin) Regina: Gold's cabin? What are we doing here? Maleficent: We needed someplace out of the way to hang our headdresses and hide our kidnapped puppets, and this little hovel became available to us. Regina: No. Your dark magic... It's not a spell or an object. It's... Mr Gold: That's right, dearie. It's me. (Mr Gold comes out from the darkness.) Mr Gold: You didn't really think I'd stay banished for long, now, did you? Regina: No. I didn't. Mr Gold: I learned quite a bit about myself on my little journey outside Storybrooke. You were right, Regina. Sometimes the teacher needs to learn from the student. And sometimes... You need to fall very far... To finally see the light. Regina: Well, then you've finally accepted the same truth I have. You can't get your happy ending without finding the author. I suppose that puts us on the same side. Mr Gold: I suppose it does. (Cruella and Ursula enters with Pinocchio.) Mr Gold: And now, with the help of the real boy you've acquired, we can take our first steps. Regina: What are you going to do? Mr Gold: Step aside, and I'll show you. Or have you gone soft? Regina: Never. Mr Gold: What a relief. You see, we're not gonna ask young Pinocchio here to remember anything... Because he can't. No amount of torture will work on him. But it will succeed on the man he used to be. (Mr Gold turns Pinocchio into August.) Mr Gold: Welcome back, August. Now... Shall we begin? [SCENE_BREAK] I knew she'd never the stomach for this. Please, I was torturing people when you were still playing with puppies. To re-write the storybook, the queen of darkness needs answers. I don't know anything about this author. And nothing... What the hell are doing here? And no one... I'll offer you a deal. After what you did to me, I don't think so. Will stand on her way. Have a nice swim, Captain.

As the heroes attempt to rescue August from Gold and the Queens of Darkness in their quest to track down the Author, Hook finds a way to make a deal with Ursula to get the information he needs to help the heroes as a way to make up for what he did back in the past, in which Hook made a deal with Ursula's father Poseidon that led to unfortunate consequences for both Hook and a young Ursula.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x23

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x23_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [INT. LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO FLOOR -- NIGHT] (Card tables. Slot machines. Coins jingling as they come out of the machines. A white ball on a roulette wheel. Another card flipped over - an Ace of Diamonds to go with the King of Clubs --- twenty-one. A new stack of chips is placed on the table.) Card tables. Chips in a holder. The casino is buzzing.) (Camera rises up above the casino room. Officer Boatwright patrols the room.) Director of Surveillance: (from radio) Does anybody have eyes on our mystery guy? (He walks and looks around the casino.) Officer Boatwright: (to radio) Unit one, negative. I'm on the main casino floor. I'm heading over to BJ pit three. Director of Surveillance: (from radio) Copy that, unit one. (He continues walking through the casino and looking for someone.) (CAMERA rises and focuses on the ceiling camera.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Security personnel monitor the security cameras.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - MAIN CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Officer Boatwright makes his way to the blackjack table. He hears an argument in progress.) Willie Cutler: Get out of my way. Voice 2: Make me get out of the way. Willie Cutler: Just get out of my way. Voice 2: What does this have to do -- ? (Officer Boatwright sees two men pushing and shoving each other in the middle of the casino pit. Officer Boatwright runs over to break up the two men.) Officer Boatwright: Break it up! Break it up! Voice: You're the guy -- ! (Suddenly, one of the men grabs Officer Boatwright's gun and fires, shooting him in the stomach. Officer Boatwright goes down.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (In the surveillance room, the Director of Surveillance sees the shots on the monitors. He talks into a microphone, relaying directions to casino security.) Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Shots fired. Main floor. BJ pit three. (hits switch) Dispatch, shooter is on the run. [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - MAIN CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Officer Boatwright's on the floor, bleeding from the gunshot wound in his stomach.) Director of Surveillance: (from radio) All available security to BJ pit three. [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Boatwright's down. Get an ambulance. Voice: (o.s.) Yes, sir. Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Zoom in. Find the shooter. Find the shooter. (In the surveillance room, surveillance uses the trackball to quickly shift cameras throughout the casino, looking for their shooter.) Voice: (o.s.) -- the eye in the sky. Director of Surveillance: (to radio) I got him. Shooter's headed for the slot carousel. (On the monitor, they see the shooter running across the casino floor.) Voice: (o.s.) All right. Left to right. Director of Surveillance: (to radio) There he goes. He's headed for the guest elevators. (They quickly shift cameras to keep an eye on the shooter.) Voice: (o.s.) Seven to eleven. Here we go. (On the monitors, the shooter runs to the elevator just as the elevator doors open. He grabs the woman just stepping out and pulls her back into the elevator with him.) Director of Surveillance: (to radio) He's got a hostage. (The elevator doors shut quickly.) Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Give me the whole tower. Three across the board. (The camera monitors quickly shift to the camera inside the elevators and stop on ELEVATOR 2 on the shooter with the hostage.) (One of the surveillance men grabs the phone and dials.) Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Get the police. We need SWAT. Now! WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - MAIN CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT] (Police officers file through the casino floor.) (The officer in charge briefs Brass.) Officer: We got the suspect holed up on three. Floors above and below evacuated. Brass: Where's the negotiator? Officer: En route. At least an hour away. Brass: (sighs) Well, I'm here now. (They enter the elevators.) (The elevator doors close.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - THIRD FLOOR - NIGHT] Voice: (o.s.) All right, let's clear the floor. (Officers escort a man and a woman off the floor.) (Brass waits on the side as the officers clear the rooms nearby.) Officer: Clear. Officer 2: (o.s.) Clear. Officer: Clear. Officer 2: (o.s.) Clear. (The officer knocks on the room door.) Officer: Las Vegas Police. Open the door. (Brass steps forward.) (The officer slides the room key through the lock and he opens the door.) (A gunshot fires at the door.) (Everyone pulls their guns out and pauses.) Brass: (dryly) Well, I guess this is the place. WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. CUTLER RESIDENCE - FRONT - NIGHT] LEGEND: 15 HOURS EARLIER (Lower middle class neighborhood on a quiet street. Officer cars are parked along the street, their lights flashing.) Brass: (V.O.) Just another domestic violence case. I wish I had a nickel -- [INT. CUTLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - LATER] (Dr. Robbins, in booties, stands over Janice Cutler, dead on the living room floor in a short robe with a nightgown underneath. Her head rests in a large pool of blood-soaked carpet. Brass, Grissom and Warrick enter the room.) Brass: Janice Cutler. Shot in the mouth. (David Phillips pulls her jaw down.) Brass: Single boy's the only smart one. (Warrick snaps photos of the scene.) Robbins: Judy and I deal with our marital problems a little differently -- counseling, separate vacations once a year. (Warrick snaps a photo of the bullet casing on the carpet.) Robbins: She's never pulled a gun on me yet. (Warrick picks up the casing and looks at it.) Warrick: I got a shell casing. Nine millimeter. David Phillips: That accounts for the high-velocity spatter. (Grissom notes the blood-spattered wedding photo on the counter.) Grissom: Where's the husband? Brass: Well, there was no car in the garage. We can broadcast out for him. (Grissom looks around the room.) Grissom: There's no other signs of disturbance in here. What about the rest of the house? Brass: Nothing obvious. Grissom: How many domestics have you seen where someone got shot in the face and nothing else was disturbed? Warrick: What are you thinking? Grissom: That you married people take things too personally. (Warrick raises his camera and snaps a photo of Janice Cutler.) SMASH CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (Robbins and Grissom stand around Janice Cutler's body on the autopsy table.) Robbins: She's only been dead a few hours. Signs of s*x prior to death. No vaginal trauma to suggest it wasn't amicable. Grissom: Assuming the husband had s*x with her and then murdered her, he went from amorous to murderous in near record time. Robbins: Well, maybe you were right. It wasn't the husband. But no semen, so I'd only be speculating. Grissom: What about the bullet? Robbins: Single gunshot wound. Based on powder burns and stipling, ... (He opens her jaw.) Robbins: ... muzzle was placed inside the mouth ... (Camera zooms into the mouth and pauses on the tongue. Then angles upward to the roof of the mouth. A gunshot is fired, then flash to a view of the woman's head just behind her ear.) Robbins: Bullet then fragmented in her head. Grissom: Explains why Warrick couldn't find it at the scene. Robbins: Yeah, shooter wanted to make sure he didn't miss. Grissom: This was somebody who was emotionally close to her. Robbins: Gil ... have you ever even been close to getting married? Grissom: Once. When I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs, too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. (Robbins nods.) Grissom: Second grade. Robbins: Hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CUTLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Sara is looking at the blood-spattered wedding photo on the counter.) Sara: (to Warrick) Was it the happiest day of your life? Warrick: Me and Tina? Happened so fast. Time will tell. Why don't you take a look at this phone here and tell me what you think. (Warrick shows Sara the phone with blood on the #1.) Sara: Blood on the keypad, away from the spatter. Warrick: A neighbor called it in. If someone was in the house, they'd have dialed 9-1-1. Sara: Dispatch never got a call. Maybe the husband started to dial ... changed his mind and took off. Warrick: Maybe. I just wish it was a print and not a smudge. (Sara looks around.) Sara: Okay. Bedroom. Warrick: All right. (Sara starts backing away and heading toward the bedroom. Warrick raises the camera and snaps a photo of the phone keypad.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CUTLER RESIDENCE - BEDROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Sara enters the bedroom and looks around.) (She looks at the windows.) (She snaps photos of the bedsheets. She peels away the covers and snaps more photos.) (She steps into the closet and looks around. She kneels down on the floor and notices the grass clippings on the floor.) (She picks up the nearest pair of shoes and looks at them. They're both clean and clear of any signs of grass or dirt.) (From her position on the floor, Sara notices a sock sticking out from under the bed.) (She picks it up and bags the sock.) (Warrick enters the bedroom.) Warrick: Hey. I found these in his jacket. (He shows her some brochures for THE GIRLS.) Warrick: Looks like the husband was planning a little vacation. A little recreation on the side. Sara: (re: sock) I found this under the bed. And grass -- not the kind you smoke -- on the floor and in the closet, but all the shoes in the closet were clean. Warrick: So someone was walking around here with grass on their shoes? (Sara nods.) Warrick: Maybe it was the missing husband, or a desperate gardener. Sara: Who was mowing more than the lawn? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Brass and Sara walk through the hallway on their way to the interview room.) Brass: Good call on the grass stains. Police officers brought in your guy. He was mowing a lawn down the street. Sara: Well, he must be a great gardener, because Mrs. Cutler was paying him way too much. Brass: Well ... (chuckles) Wait till you see him. (Brass opens the door and they enter the interview room.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Timothy Johnson sits at the table.) Brass: Mr. Johnson? It's Timmy, right? (Timmy nods.) This is Sara Sidle from the Crime Lab. (Brass and Sara both sit down at the table opposite Timmy.) Timothy Johnson: (worried) I didn't kill Mrs. Cutler, if that's what you're thinking. Sara: How well do you know her? Timothy Johnson: We live across the street from the Cutlers. Brass: We? Timothy Johnson: My family. Mother, father, and brothers. Brass: So you still live at home? Timothy Johnson: Until I graduate next month. Sara: So mowing lawns is just your sideline? Timothy Johnson: I don't play sports. Helps with the tuition. Brass: Did Mr. or Mrs. Cutler ever invite you in their house? Timothy Johnson: On a cold day, yeah. Sometimes she'd make me coffee. Sara: But she writes you a check every month, like yesterday. Timothy Johnson: Yeah. Sara: Did she hand you the check in her closet? (She shows him the photo of the grass-stained sock he left behind.) Sara: Or in her bedroom? You forgot your sock. Timothy Johnson: Okay. Yeah, I was there. I was hitting the wife. Brass: You had s*x with her? Timothy Johnson: Yeah. But it wasn't my idea, all right? She was ... she was really unhappy in her marriage. Me and Mrs. Cutler were in the middle of it when ... when Mr. Cutler came home early. FLASHBACK TO: [INT. CUTLER HOUSE - MASTER BEDROOM - DAY (FLASHBACK)] (Janice Cutler and Timothy Johnson are in bed when they hear the front door open. She gets out of bed.) Janice Cutler: He was supposed to be at work all night. Hide! (Janice Cutler ties her robe and exits the bedroom. Timothy jumps out of bed and quickly fumbles for his clothes.) Timothy Johnson: (V.O.) I guess that's when I lost my sock. (He looks around, then quickly hides in the closet, shutting the door behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INSIDE THE CLOSET - MOMENTS LATER] (Timothy is dressed as Willie Cutler opens the door. He grabs Timothy and slams him back against the wall.) Willie Cutler: How was she, you little son of a bitch? Now get out of here. (He pushes him out.) (End of flashback. Back to scene.) Timothy Johnson: Mr. Cutler was ... was so pissed, I ... I barely even recognized him. Brass: You hear a gunshot? Timothy Johnson: No. Brass: So Mrs. Cutler was still alive when you left the house? Timothy Johnson: I don't know. I think so. I didn't see anything else. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- DAY] (Warrick sprays the hooker flyer and hangs it inside the super glue fuming tank. He ignites the super glue and closes the lid.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (A large print appears on the photo for "SALLY". He flips the flyer over and finds four prints on the back.) (Nick walks in.) Nick: So, I hear your marriage is on the rocks, and you're shopping for hookers? (Warrick laughs.) Warrick: No, but I think I found one that Mr. Cutler likes. (He points to SALLY.) Thumb print on the front. Four fingerprints on the back. Nick: "Sally. Sweet apple pie." Hmm. Do you really think it's a good idea to sleep with a girl who advertises in a flyer? Warrick: Well, I don't really think there's any sleeping involved. Nick: Hmm. Warrick: Don't be shy, though. Give her a call. (Nick looks at Warrick. Really? Warrick smiles. Nick's game.) Nick: All right, for your enjoyment. (Nick picks up the speaker phone and dials the number, (702) 555-0190. A ring or two later, someone answers.) Sally: (from phone) This is Sally. Who's this? Nick: (to phone) Hi. This is, uh ... Dirk ... Diggler. I'm looking for a date. Sally: (from phone) What kind of date? Nick: (to phone) I'm taking a trip around the world. Want to go? Sally: (from phone) Yeah, I'll come with you. You sure you can afford the airfare, darlin'? Nick: (to phone) Is two g's enough? Sally: (from phone) Where you at? Nick: (to phone) 3057 Westfall. It's right off of Charleston. (Warrick points. Here? Nick motions him to be quiet.) Nick: (to phone) It's a single level building, all the way in the back. Sally: (from phone) What do you look like? Nick: (to phone) Um ... I have a little Tom Cruise thing going. Sally: (from phone) All right, half an hour, and I'll be there. Nick: (to phone) All right. (Nick hangs up. Warrick groans.) Warrick: Yeah, right. Nick: (pleasantly amused) Ah, sweet apple pie! The Cruiser. (Nick leaves the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS SKYLINE - DAY (STOCK)] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Nick and an officer escort SALLY down the hall to an interview room.) Sally: Calling me to a crime lab is cute. It's still entrapment. (He laughs.) Nick: Well, you're not here about prostitution, sweetie. Sally: Really? Nick: No. I need your help with a homicide. (He opens the door and they enter.) [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - CONTINUOUS] Nick: Why don't you go ahead and have a seat? Thanks. (Sally sits down. Nick sits down across her. Nick opens the folder and shows her a photo of Willie Cutler.) Nick: This man's wife was murdered last night. His name's Willie Cutler. Was he ever a client? Sally: We dated. Nick: Yeah. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASHBACK] (Sally sits on Willie Cutler.) Sally: (V.O.) He was trying to play the, you know, "I'm a big baller" role. Sally: Do you got a present for me, baby? (Willie takes out a wad of cash from his pants pocket and hands it to her.) Sally: (V.O.) He must have won some big jackpot or something -- I can tell when money's new. He pulled this big wad out of his Wal-Mart pants. (She puts the cash with her bag.) Sally: (V.O.) But he seemed harmless. (They start kissing.) (End of flashback. Back to scene.) Sally: Kind of sweet, actually. He offered me a deal on a vacation. Nick: Deal? What, like a travel agent? Sally: I don't know. I guess. He offered me this. (Sally takes a brochure out of her purse and shows it to Nick.) Sally: I've never been to Hawaii. Nick: No ... no, me either. (Nick takes a handkerchief out and takes the brochure from her. He flips it over and reads the business card stapled on the back: COWBOY DAN'S WILLIAM CUTLER - TOUR REPRESENTATIVE ) Sally: I'd let you take me to Hawaii. (Surprised, he looks at her. She smiles back at him.) Nick: Yeah, I'm working. Sally: So am I. (He chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. NEON CITY EXCURSIONS (COWBOY DAN'S) - DAY] (Catherine and Detective Vartann exit the car and head to the tour office. A large orange banner hangs from the building roof.) Catherine: "Tour historic Las Vegas." Vartann: History in Vegas gets imploded. Catherine: It's probably just a drive past the Flamingo where Bugsy Siegel took his leak. (They stop in front of the front door, a closed sign displayed.) Catherine: "Closed"? Now wait a minute. It should be open. (Vartann tries the door and it opens.) Vartann: Well, it looks like it is. (Catherine and Vartann enter.) Catherine: Oh. [INT. NEON CITY EXCURSIONS (COWBOY DAN'S) - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (There's no one there.) Catherine: Hello? (The door closes behind them.) Catherine: Anybody here? (There's no answer.) Vartann: Las Vegas Police. (Vartann steps forward a little and looks into the side office. He sees a body on the floor.) Catherine: Hello? Vartann: Catherine. (He takes his gun out and checks the office. He steps into the office to check on the person on the floor. Catherine uses her phone and calls it in.) Catherine: (to phone) Control, this is CSI Willows. (Vartann looks at her and shakes his head.) Catherine: (to phone) We have a four-nineteen at 4172 Hamilton. (Catherine takes her gun out.) Catherine: (to phone) A business: Neon City Excursions. Suspect may still be on the premises. (She hangs up as they head further into the office.) [INT. NEON CITY EXCURSIONS (COWBOY DAN'S) - HALLWAY -- DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Vartann and Catherine walk through the hallway.) (In the lobby, they find another body on the floor.) (They continue further. Vartann checks for a pulse. In one of the offices, they hear a thudding sound.) (They check it out and find Willie Cutler hiding under the desk and bleeding from a wound in his side.) Willie Cutler: Please! Please don't! Don't kill me. Don't kill me. Don't kill me. Please, don't kill me. Catherine: It's all right, sir. We're not going to hurt you; we're the police. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL -- DAY] (The nurse helps Willie remove his shirt. He groans. Sara waits on the side with a baggie. Vartann waits with her.) (Willie groans. The nurse removes his shirt.) Sara: Thanks. I'll take that. (Sara puts the shirt in the bag. Dr. Franks enters the room.) Dr. Franks: All right, bullet wound. Let's see what the paramedics left me. (He rips the gauze bandage off the wound. Willie Cutler groans. Dr. Franks looks at the wound.) Dr. Franks: Irregular laceration, subcutaneous tissue only. A few millimeters deeper, it would have nicked the intercostal artery. Willie Cutler: That sounds bad. Dr. Franks: Yeah. Would've been a real mess. You're a lucky man. Flush out the wound, dress it with 4 x 4 gauze, start an IV, hang cefazolin and get some blood work done. Oh, and get him a tetanus shot. (And with that, Dr. Franks leaves the room. Sara steps forward with the camera.) Sara: Ah, the warm fuzzy feeling of modern medicine. Willie Cutler: Can I get something to wear? Sara: Uh, yes, in a few minutes. I need to document your wound. Do you think you could lift your arms for me like this? (He lifts his arms.) Sara: Thank you. That's perfect. (Sara snaps a photo of the wound.) Vartann: Why don't you tell us what happened. Willie Cutler: Um. Not much to tell, really. Uh ... Cowboy Dan had the office working round the clock for the last week. We were putting together a campaign for a new tour. I just got back from breakfast. (Quick flashback to: [INT. NEON CITY EXCURSIONS (COWBOY DAN'S) - HALLWAY -- DAY] Willie Cutler is working in his office when the first gunshot fires.) Willie Cutler: (V.O.) I heard a shot, shouting. (He stands up. There's multiple gunshots coming from the next room. People groan.) (Suddenly, he staggers backward, shot on the side. He looks around and ducks under the desk.) Willie Cutler: (V.O.) I guess the guy didn't even know I was there. (The door opens and a hooded man with a gun appears in the doorway. He looks around, then leaves when he doesn't see anyone.) (Willie Cutler hides under the desk. The door closes.) (End of flashback. Back to scene.) Willie Cutler: I was so scared, I couldn't move. So I just played dead. (Sara hands him a blanket. He covers himself.) Willie Cutler: Ow. I don't even know how long I was there. And then you guys came in and found me. Sara: Do you think that you could indicate on this diagram where you were standing when you were shot? (She shows him an office layout. He points to the office area between the desk and the door.) Willie Cutler: Um ... I guess I was standing somewhere around here. (Sara marks it with an 'X'.) Sara: Thank you. Willie Cutler: Look, I need to call my wife. I should have been home by now, and she's probably worried. Vartann: Um .... Mr. Cutler, when was the last time you were home? Willie Cutler: Um ... I guess it was, uh ... probably yesterday morning. Why? Sara: Mr. Cutler. I am very sorry, but ... your wife is dead. She was found shot last night in your home. (He starts to cry.) Willie Cutler: Wh...? (Vartann and Sara exchange looks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. NEON CITY EXCURSIONS (COWBOY DAN'S) - DAY] (Catherine snaps photos of the crime scene at Cowboy Dan's. David Phillips kneels down next to the body.) David Phillips: Single GSW to the forehead. (Catherine snaps more photos of the body.) David Phillips: Stipling makes it close range. At least he died with his boots on. (Quick flashback to: The gunman points the gun at Cowboy Dan and fires.) Catherine: (V.O.) Cowboy Dan gets it first. (The employee runs down the hallway. The shooter follows and fires.) Catherine: (V.O.) The shooter finds his next target. (The image of the employee, Roger Banks, stumbles and falls face down on the carpet in front of Greg, who is in the room. The gunman fires four more times. Roger Banks fades.) Catherine: (V.O.) ... shoots him in the back. (End of flashback.) (Catherine walks into the room and notices the CONGRATULATIONS BANNERS and signs on the wall.) (Greg looks at Catherine. Roger Banks' desk is filled with cards.) Greg: That's the vic's desk. He was getting a promotion. (Catherine slings the camera over her shoulder and sighs.) Catherine: Well, at least his day started out on a good note. Greg: Looks like the gun's been wiped clean. (Catherine nods.) Doubt we'll get any prints. Catherine: So what do you got, five nine-mil shell casings? Greg: Two went back with the body, three ... still in the walls. (He points to the office next door.) Catherine: So they're all accounted for. (Greg nods.) (Catherine walks over to the closed door with the pink rod sticking out of the bullet hole.) Catherine: So Willie Cutler must have been standing along this line when he was grazed by the bullet. Greg: Looks about right. Catherine: It's consistent with his statement. (Catherine opens the office door and looks inside as Greg snaps photos of Roger Banks' desk. He snaps a photo of the phone.) Catherine: And if the shooter never saw him, he got under the desk really quickly. Greg: I sure would have. (Catherine chuckles.) Catherine: So what do you think, Greg? Is Willie Cutler the luckiest guy in the world or the unluckiest? Greg: I wouldn't want his luck either way. (Greg leans forward and snaps a photo of the blood-smeared #1 button on the phone.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Brass interviews Willie Cutler.) Brass: Geez, you lose your wife, your boss, your co-worker, all in 24 hours; that's rough. My heart goes out to you, pal. Really. Looks like someone's out to get you. Willie Cutler: What do you mean? Brass: Well, the way I see it, somebody's out to kill you and a lot of innocent people are getting in the way. Willie Cutler: Yeah. That's got to be it. Brass: Yeah. Who'd want to kill you? Willie Cutler: I don't know. Maybe it's just some nutcase. A guy sees me on the street, and I remind him of somebody he hates. Brass: Yeah, that's ... that's a pretty good theory. Want to hear another one? Willie Cutler: Sure. Brass: Well, this one starts with your wife banging the lawn boy. Willie Cutler: Hmm? Timmy? Brass: Timmy. What, you didn't know? Willie Cutler: No. Brass: Really? 'Cause according to Timmy, you found him in the bedroom and you dragged him out of the closet. Willie Cutler: Well, he's lying. 'Cause I wasn't home. Brass: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. You were on the love boat with Sally the Hooker. Willie Cutler: Look, my wife and I had some problems. You know, all married couples do. Brass: Hey. Willie Cutler: I was getting a promotion at work. At least I thought I was. So I threw myself a little celebration. Brass: I guess that makes you a premature celebrator. Tell me about that work-promotion thing. Why were you passed up? Willie Cutler: Cowboy Dan just couldn't bring himself to promote a felon. Brass: Yeah, no, I've-I've read your record. I mean, it's minor league. I mean, like, joyriding at 19. Willie Cutler: Stupid kid stuff. You know, it follows you around the rest of your life. Brass: Oh, believe me, I know. Look, here's what we got here. Cowboy Dan is dead. The guy who got your promotion is dead. It seems to me, that the one with the most motive to kill in this sad tale... is you. Willie Cutler: I got shot, too. Brass: Well ... you know ... kinda. Look. (Brass puts a report on the table. It reads: -- OF TRANSACTION: 05/10/06 --REFERENCE NUMBER: FM053280 CUSTOMER NAME: CUTLER, WILLIAM ACCOUNT NUMBER: 6045052068A TRANSACTION AMOUNT: $50,000.00 AMOUNT SHOWN ABOVE WAS WIRED FROM: FIRST MONUMENT HOME EQUITY ACCOUNT AMOUNT SHOWN ABOVE WAS WIRED TO: THE LUCKY DRAGON, LAS VEGAS ) Brass: Last night you wired 50-k from your home equity account to a marker at The Lucky Dragon. Willie Cutler: So? Brass: So, I mean, it wasn't for Chinese food. So maybe you hired a professional killer to hit your wife, your boss, your co-worker. Willie Cutler: That's not true! Brass: Told them to take a little, you know, love bite out of you to, you know, make you look nice and innocent, you know? Willie Cutler: I didn't kill my wife! I lost this money at the tables. You know ... this has been the worst day of my life, and I still haven't had a chance to see my wife's body -- I want to leave. Brass: But we're not done here, Willie. Willie Cutler: We're done! You can't prove that I killed anybody because I didn't kill anybody. And if you're not going to charge me, I'm going to leave. (Willie stands up.) Willie Cutler: I want to see my wife's body now! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- HALLWAY - DAY] (Brass and Grissom walk through the hallway.) Brass: Well, I pushed the guy as hard as I could, but there's a lot of media heat on this one. I had to cut him loose. Grissom: Well, he's got a bullet wound and a dead wife. For now, the evidence says he's a victim. Brass: Well, that's what I told the unit who's shadowing him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- DAY] (Greg is looking through the photos and evidence. He holds a photo in his left hand and picks up a shell casing evidence bag in the other. The label reads: 9 MM CASING SPEER NEON CITY EXCURSION GG LVPD 060511-1439 GG (He looks at the photo label in his other hand: VICTIM: CUTLER, JANICE FILE DATE: 05-11-06 ROUTING CODE: 39353-08-1911 CASE LVPD 06 05 11 - 1439 GG LVPD ROUTING 742-125 (The photo is the same kind of bullet casing: SPEER.) (He puts the evidence bag down and picks up another photo of the phone with the blood smear on button #1.) (He opens the file folder and takes out a photo of another phone with another blood smear on button #1.) (He thinks about it.) (Quick flash to: [CUTLER RESIDENCE] Janice Cutler is dead. The killer dials: 111-1111.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The killer dials another phone: 111-1111.) Woman: (over phone) Sunstar Cabs. (Camera moves and we see a dead body from Neon City Excursions.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. SUNSTAR CABS DISPATCH GARAGE - DAY] (Camera pans across the yellow ad sign and phone number: 702-111-1111.) (The taxi manager talks with Greg and Detective Vartann.) Taxi Manager: Yeah, we had several pickups from that office park this morning, but, uh, look, those drivers are all off right now, and they take one look at my caller ID, they ain't pickin' up. Vartann: All right, well, what about drop-offs? Taxi Manager: Oh, definitely got something for you there. Hey, Nicco. Nicco: Yeah? Taxi Manager: You'll love this. Nicco, tell these guys about that guy, huh? Nicco: The drive-around-all-night guy? Taxi Manager: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nicco: Pick him up near Viking and Pecos around 2:45 A.M. Greg: (to Vartann) That's right around the time Janice Cutler was killed. (Vartann nods.) Greg: It's right near her house. Is this your cab? Nicco: Yeah. Greg: Mind if I take a look? Nicco: Okay. (Greg heads over to the cab.) Vartann: So? Nicco: He didn't know where he wanted to go, but he said I should drive anyway, so I drive. (Greg hooks up his laptop to the cab's driver cam.) Nicco: He sees a store, he says 'stop.' Buys a beer. Then he says, 'drive, stop, cigarettes, and drive some more.' I'm all around town. Five, six hours. Vartann: Did you get his name? Nicco: Uh ... I think it was Sammy. Yeah. Yeah, that's what he said. He asked me to wait for him by this office place, but by then it was at the end of my shift. (On Greg's laptop, a series of time-coded still photos is being downloaded.) Nicco: I told him, I got to get home to my wife. And he asked me, do I love my wife, and I told him, hey (he chuckles) She loves me. And he said, I was a lucky man, which I am. And he left. He gave me a big tip. (Greg carries the laptop.) Greg: You need to check this out. (He shows the video cam picture of SAMMY to Nicco.) Greg: Is that the guy who called himself Sammy? Vartann: Looks a lot like Willie. Nicco: (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, that's the guy. Greg: Yeah. (He zooms in on the gun in the passenger's waistband.) Greg: That's the gun. SMASH TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BULLPEN -- NIGHT] (Vartann is on the computer at his desk.) (The information for WILLIE CUTLER appears: DOB: 03-26-67 AGE: 39 HEIGHT: 6'2" WEIGHT: 153 LBS EYES: BROWN RACE: CAUCASIAN s*x: MALE HAIR: BROWN Siblings: SAMMY CUTLER - BROTHER CRIMINAL HISTORY: STATUTE: NRS 200.0525 ARREST: GRAND THEFT AUTO CONVICTIONS: DISPOSITIONS: PROBATION 1 YEAR CASE # LVPD#95 03 04 - 1007 ML ) (He runs a search on SAMUEL CUTLER: DOB: 07-01-63 AGE: 42 HEIGHT: 5'9" WEIGHT: 165 LBS EYES: BLUE RACE: CAUCASIAN s*x: MALE HAIR: BROWN Siblings: WILLIE CUTLER - BROTHER CRIMINAL HISTORY STATUTE: NRS 205.067 ARREST: BURGLARY CONVICTIONS: SERVED AND RELEASED DISPOSITIONS: SENTENCED 1 YEAR STATUTE: NRS 205.0528 ARREST: GRAND THEFT AUTO CONVICTIONS: RELEASED DECEMBER DISPOSITIONS: SENTENCED 10 YEARS CASE #: LVPD# 95 03 04 - 1008 ML ) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY] (Brass shares his findings with Grissom.) Brass: So, Willie Cutler had an older brother, Sammy. Sammy did time in Chino for grand theft auto. Grissom: Willie had a vehicle-related felony on his record, too. Brass: Yeah, the same incident. See, Willie was a first-time offender, so he pled out. But Sammy had a record, so the judge gave him a hard time. So he got in trouble on the inside. He did an extended sentence. He got out six months ago. I got a fax from the cab company I want to show you. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS] (They enter his office. Brass shows the fax to Grissom.) Brass: Check it out. (He hands the Radio Dispatch Record to Grissom.) Brass: They get called out to that office park where the shooting took place. Driver said the fare was a no-show. Grissom: "Requested destination -- Lucky Dragon casino." Brass: Hmm. I sent a unit out to look for Sammy. Grissom: You know, this could be a revenge story. Willie gets a life, Sammy goes to prison. Sammy gets out, tries to get even. Brass: Well, if Sammy was trying to get even, why did Willie keep quiet about it? Grissom: He's his brother's keeper. (off Brass' look) It's in the Bible. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LUCKY DRAGON (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO FLOOR -- NIGHT] (Warrick hands out Samuel Cutler's mug photo to the security staff.) Warrick: This is the man that we're looking for. Please keep your eyes peeled. He may have been here last night. I want you to cover every square inch of this place. Let's spread out; let's move it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Warrick walks into the casino surveillance room. He starts handing out Samuel Cutler's mug photo.) Warrick: So, this is Sammy Cutler. This is his mug shot. It's a few years old, and this is what he looks like now. (He shows them the photo taken from the taxi camera.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT] (Sara is working, the various photos spread out on the table in front of her. Robbins walks in.) Robbins: Hey, Sara, you're working the office shooting, right? Sara: Yeah, and the dead wife. (He brings the file folder to her.) Robbins: Autopsy reports on the two DB's. Grissom wanted them ASAP, and I was in the neighborhood. (He drops the file folder on the table.) Sara: Thanks. I'll pass them along. (She picks up the file folder and looks through it as Robbins takes a moment to look at the photos on the table.) Robbins: Somebody at the office get knifed? Sara: No. Robbins: Kind of looks like a knife wound. Sara: Victim survived the shooting. He said he was grazed by a stray bullet. Robbins: Really? (He puts his glasses on.) This is an irregular laceration with no defining features. A grazing GSW is usually accompanied by some marginal abrasion. There's none here. Sara: Any idea what might have caused a wound like this? Robbins: Yeah, lots of things. Something sharp. (He looks at the photos closely.) Robbins: Hmm. What's this blue discoloration? Sara: Kind of looks like ink. Doesn't it? Robbins: Mm-hmm. (Sara picks up a bagged pen.) Sara: Catherine found this under Willie Cutler's desk. Thought the blood was incidental. [CU: SHIRT] (Sara swabs the edge of Willie Cutler's bloodied shirt.) (Camera pulls out and we see Grissom watching. She tests the swab.) Sara: Sodium rhodizonate is negative. No lead in the tear. No bullet. Grissom: So, Willie tried to make it look like he was shot. (Quick flash to: Willie Cutler gouges his side himself with his own pen.) Grissom: (V.O.) Grabs a ball point pin, drags it across his ribs. (End of flash. Back to scene.) (Grissom looks down and notices the blood on the shirt sleeve.) Sara: Did I miss something? Grissom: Don't know. We'll find out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT] (Warrick stands behind the security staff as they watch the security surveillance monitors.) Director of Surveillance: We've been running a major poker tournament here all week. You know what the loser gets? Baseball caps. There's about four hundred of them down there right now. Warrick: Keep looking. (On the monitor, Warrick sees his wife, Tina, walking through the casino floor with a man.) (He steps aside and takes his phone out to call her.) Tina: (from phone) Hey, baby. Warrick: (to phone) What's up? Tina: Nothin' much. Warrick: Where you at? Tina: I'm at the Venetian. Canyon Ranch, getting a ... manicure. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO - NIGHT] Tina: Hope you're in for a good back scratching session tonight. Warrick: Who you talking about? Tina: What? Warrick: Me or the guy standing next to you? Look up. You see that little dome above your head? Give it a wave. That's me in the surveillance room, watching you lie to me. Tina: Warrick ... Warrick: Man, and I didn't even have to call that show 'Cheaters.' Tina: You think you know what you're talking about? Warrick: Don't even bother coming home tonight. I'll just text you the storage space your stuff'll be in. Tina: You want to know what's up, huh? What's really up? Warrick: I can see what's up. Tina: You can't see a damn thing. He's a VIP host helping me plan your birthday party. I hope you enjoy spending it alone. (She hangs up, then glares up at the surveillance camera.) (On the monitor, Warrick watches her turn and walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - DNA LAB -- NIGHT] (Grissom cuts a piece of material off and places it on a slide. He cuts a piece of material off from Willie Cutler's shirt sleeve and places it on another slide.) (Wendy walks in.) Wendy Simms: Well, hey. What are you doing? Grissom: Serology. Wendy Simms: Serology? Now, I read about that in my history of forensic science classes. So, what exactly is it you're trying to do? Grissom: Lattes crust method for determining blood type. Wendy Simms: You know, for you, I clear the decks. I mean, I can just rush your samples through DNA. Grissom: I need it faster than DNA. And I don't need a full profile anyway, just ABO type. Wendy Simms: You mind if I stick around and watch? Grissom: Don't you have something better to do? Wendy Simms: Yeah, I do, but some guy's using my lab. (Grissom puts drops of liquid on the materials.) Wendy Simms: Okay, now as I recall, the reagents have to be fresh. Right? So, where did you get those? Grissom: I keep some in my fridge for emergencies. Wendy Simms: You got anything else in there? Bottle of tequila, perhaps? Severed head? Grissom: I don't keep tequila. (Grissom puts it in the machine and switches the machine on.) (Camera zooms in on the blood drops on the slides in the machine.) (Cut to: Grissom looks at the slides under the scope. He writes something down and puts the second slide under the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW] (Grissom sees something.) (Quick flash of: A woman screams. A gun fires. Blood spatter hits Willie Cutler's sleeve. Janice Cutler falls to the floor, dead. Willie Cutler lowers the gun.) (End of flash. Back to scene.) (Grissom takes his cell phone out and calls Brass.) Brass: (from phone) Brass. Grissom: (to phone) Jim, you have to bring in Willie Cutler. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE - NIGHT] (Brass is sitting behind his desk.) Brass: Willie got loose. He slipped our surveillance. What's up? Grissom: We found high velocity spatter consistent with the wife on his shirt. He was in the room when she was shot. He could have been holding the gun. Maybe they were working together. Brass: That would explain what Sammy was doing at The Lucky Dragon. Willie lost a lot of money there. So either he did it, or he's covering for his brother. Grissom: Yeah. Maybe he's got unfinished business there. (Brass hangs up and gets up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE LUCKY DRAGON (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT] (The casino is busy. Willie Cutler is in the room. He appears to be looking for someone. He suddenly turns and heads down into the casino.) (He collides with a burley patron. They start arguing.) Casino Patron: Ow! Man, what the hell is your problem? Willie Cutler: Oh, you're a tough guy? You wanna go through me then if you ... (Willie starts shoving the guy. The guy shoves back.) Willie Cutler: Huh? You think you want some of this, huh? (It's a full-on scuffle.) (Officer Boatwright rushes over to break it up.) Officer Boatwright: Hey, break it up, break it up! (Willie grabs Officer Boatwright's gun and pulls away, giving him enough room for Officer Boatwright to get a look at him.) Officer Boatwright: Hey, aren't you ... ? (He points the gun and fires a couple of times, shooting Officer Boatwright in the stomach.) (Patrons scream as chaos breaks out.) (Officer Boatwright falls to the floor.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (In the surveillance room, the Director of Surveillance sees the shots on the monitors. He talks into a microphone, relaying directions to casino security.) Director of Surveillance: (to radio) Shots fired. Main floor. BJ pit three ... [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - MAIN CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Willie takes off running.) Willie Cutler: Get out of my way! (He pushes and shoves his way as he runs across the casino floor.) Willie Cutler: Get out of my way! (Willie runs across the floor straight to the elevators. Just as the elevator doors open, he grabs the woman just stepping out and pulls her back into the elevator with him.) Jackie: Hey! Hey! Get off of me! What are you doing? Help! Willie Cutler: Shut up, or I'll kill you. Jackie: Help! Help! Help! Help me! (The security guards run to the elevators, but get there too late.) (The elevator doors close.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HALLWAY FLOOR - NIGHT] (A phone rings.) (Officers have their guns pointed at the hotel room door. Brass is on the phone listening to it ring.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (The phone rings.) (Willie Cutler sits on the bed staring at the ringing phone.) (Jackie sits on the floor near him.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HALLWAY FLOOR - NIGHT] (Brass is still on the phone. He checks his radio.) Brass: (to radio) This is a radio check. Do you read me? (The phone continues to ring. He turns and looks at the officer holding the gun on the door.) Brass: Copy that? (The officer nods.) Brass: The kill word is "Jim." [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (The phone rings. Willie Cutler glances at Jackie, scared and silent. Finally, he picks up the phone.) Willie Cutler: Hello? INTERCUT WITH: [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HALLWAY FLOOR - NIGHT] Brass: Hey, Willie. It's me, uh, Jim Brass. Remember me? Guess what? I'm right outside your door. Willie Cutler: I will blow her head off. I'll blow both our heads straight off. You understand me?! Brass: Look, I understand. I understand, Willie, I do. Look, I just ... I just want this to end peacefully. For everybody. Willie Cutler: I'm not coming out. Brass: Oh, I don't want you to come out, Willie. I want you to let me in. Look, I'm not armed. (Brass stands in front of the door.) Brass: Look through the peephole. Willie Cutler: Why do you want to come in here? Brass: Just to talk to you, Willie. I mean, you're a smart guy, I think maybe you and I, we can figure a way out of this. Come on, check me out. Okay, look, I'm going to put the phone down now, so you can see me, okay? (Brass closes his phone. He holds his hands away from his body) Brass: Look ... no gun. (After a long moment, the door opens. Brass enters.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass enters the room and finds Willie Cutler, his arm around Jackie and holding the gun to her back.) Brass: Hey, Willie. It's me. I'm alone, and I'm unarmed. Willie Cutler: Close that door. (Brass closes the door.) Willie Cutler: Either I walk out here right now, or she dies. Brass: Look ... nobody's going to die, Willie. Not you, not her, not me, not Sammy, not anyone. (Willie pauses and considers Brass.) Willie Cutler: You sure about that? Brass: Oh, yeah, I'm sure about that. Willie Cutler: Then I want to talk to my brother. Brass: Okay, I can arrange that. We have him in custody downstairs. (He points the gun at Brass.) Willie Cutler: You're lying! Brass: Hey, you got the gun. I'm not ... I wouldn't lie to you. But I need you to do something for me. I need you to let this woman go, and I'll dial up your brother downstairs. Willie Cutler: Where is he? Brass: He's in the holding room, which is in the basement of the casino. Willie Cutler: He was just trying to help me. Brass: Look, I'm just trying to help you too, Willie. So, point the gun at me, not at her, and let this nice young woman go, come on. Willie Cutler: No way. (He points the gun at Jackie.) Brass: Point the gun at me, Willie. (He points the gun down.) Willie Cutler: You really have my brother? Brass: Yeah, I'm gonna call ... hold on. Willie Cutler: I want to talk to him. Brass: Hold on. (Brass takes out his phone and makes a call.) INTERCUT WITH: [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO SURVEILLANCE ROOM - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (The phone rings; Warrick answers.) Warrick: (to phone) Brown. Brass: (to phone) This is Brass. Look, I need you to get Samuel Cutler on the phone. I'm here with his brother, Willie, and he'd like to talk to him. So, could you go down to the holding room and get Samuel Cutler on the line and call me back? Warrick: Are you with Willie right now? Brass: Yes, I'm with him, and he'd like to speak with his brother. Warrick: We're still looking for him in surveillance. It could take some time. Brass: How much time? Willie Cutler: I don't see his face, she dies! (Willie grabs Jackie and forces her down on the ground, the gun pointed at her head.) Brass: (to phone) Okay, okay, okay. Look, look. I need you to get Samuel Cutler up here as soon as possible. Warrick: Okay, Brass, we're doing the best we can. I want you to hang in there, take care of yourself. If he's in this casino, we're going to find him. Brass: Thank you. (Brass hangs up.) Brass: He'll be here. Okay? Now, I just want you to point the gun at me. (Willie raises the gun and points it at Brass.) Brass: That's good. Not at her. That's it-- cause it's just you and me now, all right? I'm the hostage, all right? (Willie pushes Jackie on the bed.) Brass: What's your name? Jackie: Jackie. Brass: Jackie. It's going to be okay, Jackie. It's going to be okay, Willie. It's just you and me now. This is all going to be over soon. [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HALLWAY FLOOR - NIGHT] (Out in the hallway, SWAT takes up position.) [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Willie Cutler talks with Brass.) Willie Cutler: Oh, yesterday I spent $5,000 on a hooker because I thought I was getting a $15,000 promotion. When I went to work, I got the news that I'd been "passed over." Brass: So now you're five large in the hole, hmm? Willie Cutler: Well, way I saw it, I was fifteen in the hole. So I went to a cash machine and I wired myself 50-K. Every cent I own. For a second I was up, I was killing 'em. They were serving me cocktails, and calling me "sir." And then the pit boss got involved and I hit a bad streak. So I called Sammy. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - CASINO FLOOR - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK] (Willie is at the blackjack table playing multiple hands. One after the other - all the hands - bust.) Willie Cutler: Bust, bust, bust, bust, bust! Damn it! (He slams his fists on the table.) Willie Cutler: Dammit! Ah, God! (The woman sitting next to him sighs impatiently, picks up her chips and leaves.) Willie Cutler: What? What? (Just then, Sammy Cutler in a ball cap and sunglasses, arrives.) Sammy Cutler: Willie? Willie Cutler: What? Sammy Cutler: Let me get you out of here. (Sammy pushes Willie out of the casino.) WHITE FLASH TO: BACK TO SCENE: Brass: What happened when you got home? Willie Cutler: Things got worse ... WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CUTLER RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK] (Willie talks with Janice.) Willie Cutler: I lost everything. Our entire savings. I'm sorry. Janice Cutler: You stupid lowlife. That was my money, too! You are such a loser. Just like your degenerate brother. (Sammy grabs Janice by the throat and points the gun at her.) Sammy Cutler: Son of a bitch! WHITE FLASH TO: BACK TO SCENE: Willie Cutler: Sammy told me to stay put, and he said I should clean up the mess. He said he was going to take care of me. Brass: Why didn't you call the cops? Willie Cutler: I can't turn him in. And I knew I'd get blamed. [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Catherine are reviewing security video. On the monitor, Willie Cutler is at the blackjack table.) Grissom: Willie Cutler's marker was signed by a blackjack pit boss; this is last night's surveillance. (On the monitor, Willie is getting angry and frustrated. The pit boss goes up to him. The chair next to Willie is empty.) Catherine: So the pit boss gives Willie the heave-ho, with chips still on the table. Grissom: Yeah, that's about a $10,000 marker. Casino owed him money; that's why Willie went back. Catherine: And what about Sammy? Grissom: (shrugs) I haven't seen him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Willie continues talking.) Willie Cutler: I tried to find him myself. I figured I could get him to Mexico or something. I drove around for hours. Nothing. So I went back to my office, and that's when I saw Cowboy Dan and Roger. And I knew what Sammy meant when he said he was going to take care of me. He was going to give me a clean slate. He was going to kill everyone that wronged me. Brass: But she hasn't wronged you. Jackie hasn't done anything to hurt you. So why would you want to hurt her? Let's cut her loose. Willie Cutler: I don't want to hurt anybody. Brass: That's right, Willie. You don't want to hurt anybody. You kill somebody, even by accident, you can never take it back. People never look at you the same again. And you know what? You can't look at yourself the same way again, either. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom is behind his desk when there's a knock on his door. Sara rushes in.) Sara: Griss? You got to see this. I found it on the Internet. (She hands him the printout: darienchronicle.com Feb 13, 2006 Copyright Darien Chronicle AMERICAN TOURIST KILLED IN CAR CRASH IN TIJUANA, MEXICO A traffic accident ended in a fatality Tuesday night. The incident occurred at 7:-- intersection of Perez Parkway and Bodega. The victim was traveling west on P-- to yield a red light. An oncoming vehicle was traveling eastbound and struck the approximately 50 mph. The victim was identified as Samuel Cutler from --- (Grissom looks at Sara.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE LUCKY DRAGON - HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT] (Willie continues to talk.) Willie Cutler: Me and Sammy? (He sniffles.) Willie Cutler: We used to be so tight. Brass: Mm. Willie Cutler: And that stupid car. He always felt so guilty about dragging me into that, but it wasn't his fault. He wasn't to blame. Brass: Well ... (Brass' phone rings. Willie gets to his feet quickly; the gun pointed at Brass.) Brass: Just the phone. Just the phone. (The phone rings; Brass stands up and shows the phone to Willie. He answers it.) Brass: Take it easy. (to phone) Yeah. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] Grissom: (to phone) Jim? Sammy Cutler's dead. He died in a car crash in Mexico two months ago. Willie had to know. He's been playing us. Brass: I got it, yeah. Thanks. (Brass hangs up.) Hey, Willie. Sammy's not coming up. But I guess we both know that, right? Willie Cutler: Yeah. It's a good thing I have the gun. (Brass and Willie look at each other.) Brass: Jim! (Willie fires twice, hitting Brass in the chest. Brass falls to his knees just as the hotel room door bursts open. SWAT quickly steps into the room, their guns raised and firing at Willie.) (Jackie screams. Willie falls to the floor, dead.) (TOP VIEW DOWN: On Brass, gasping on the floor.) Voice: (faded) Man down! Man down! Get the paramedics! (Camera pushes in slowly on Brass. We hear the sounds of a heart beating.) (Blood spurts from the side of Brass' mouth.) (Camera holds on Brass.)

The CSIs strongly suspect a man in the death of his wife and his co-workers, but are not sure if he did it, especially by himself or with an accomplice. The suspect then leads the police on a wild ride through a busy casino, taking a hostage and barricading himself into a hotel room. Jim Brass then steps in as a hostage negotiator, but is shot as the police raid the room.

fd_Vikings_04x09

fd_Vikings_04x09_0

Lothbrok: Previously, on Vikings... Erlendur: If I ask you to kill Bjorn, you will have to do it. Otherwise I will kill your son. I still don't understand why you are willing to risk your baby's life. Who are you to talk? I'm not your wife. I have broken my life for your sake! Do not try to possess me. Where are you going? I have decided to send my grandson on a pilgrimage to Rome to meet His Holiness, the Pope. Give me some of that medicine. There's nothing left. (SCREAMING) The defeat of Ragnar Lothbrok will resound down the ages. As long as my brother is still alive, he is not defeated. What is the point of making camp here? We are going to lift the boats up the cliff, carry them across the mountains, and then simply slide them back into the river. (IF I HAD A HEART PLAYING) ♪ More, give me more give me more ♪ ♪ If I had a heart I could love you ♪ ♪ If I had a voice I would sing ♪ ♪ After the night when I wake up ♪ ♪ I'll see what tomorrow brings ♪ ♪ If I had a voice I would sing ♪ Man: One, two! Pull! All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: Pull! All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man 1: One, two. Man 2: Pull! All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! (GRUNTS) Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! (GOAT BLEATING) (HORSE NEIGHING) (CHICKENS CLUCKING) (LAUGHS) Man: Look over there! Man: Can't find anyone! Man: Take the pony! Eggs? (LAUGHS) Man: Come on! (BOTH LAUGHING) There are women here. Man: Let's go. (WHISPERS) Stay here. (GRUNTING) (GASPS AND SCREAMS) (LAUGHING) (SPEAKING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE) (SOBBING) (WOMAN SOBBING) Shh. ♪ My mother told me ♪ ♪ Someday I would buy ♪ ♪ Galley with good oars ♪ ♪ Sail to distant shores ♪ ♪ Stand up high in the prow ♪ ♪ Noble barque I steer ♪ ♪ Steady course for the haven ♪ ♪ Hew many foe-men, hew many foe-men ♪ ♪ My mother told me ♪ ♪ Someday I would buy ♪ ♪ Galley with good oars ♪ ♪ Sail to distant shores ♪ ♪ Stand up high in the prow ♪ ♪ Noble barque I steer ♪ ♪ Steady course for the haven ♪ ♪ Hew many foe-men, hew many foe-men ♪ (BEGGARS PLEADING INDISTINCTLY) Beggar 1: Oh, Holy Man! Beggar 2: I have nothing! Please help me! Beggar 3: Anything! Anything, please. Please, anything. Oh, please! Good boy. Come, come! Thank you, no. Alfred! English? Come over here, English! I'm a good girl. Clean. Alfred! No! Please, look! Look! No! Alfred! Stay with me! The finger bone of St. Augustine. Believe me. Yes. Please. And please, look, sir, sir... No, no! Go away! A splinter from the true cross. You buy! It change your life. And cheap! Alfred! (BELL TOLLING) Papal secretary: Welcome. God bless you all for undertaking the arduous journey here to meet His Holiness. Holy Father, let me present to you Prince Alfred and Prince Aethelwulf of Wessex, and our old friend, Father Prudentius. (SPEAKING IN LATIN) Let me speak first to both of you. Holy Father. Holy Father. Like a good shepherd caring for his sheep, we care very much for our flock in England. Like us, you are assailed by pagan armies who love only destruction and death. If Christian people do not quickly do penance for their various vices and crimes, then a great and crushing disaster will swiftly come upon you. I fear that is true, Holiness. We already see what has happened in England and now in Frankia. But we look to the future, to you, Prince Alfred of Wessex. Step forward, my son. I have something amazing to show you. Here in Rome, we have many treasures. And here is almost the greatest of them. (SPEAKING IN LATIN) Do you know what this is? When our Lord was taken to the place of crucifixion, what did the pagans make him carry? His own cross. And what did they place upon his head? A crown of thorns. This is one of the very thorns that cut our Savior's head. (HORN BLOWING) (VIKINGS CHANTING IN DISTANCE) The farmer was a generous man. Yes, with all his goods and chattels! We enjoyed their company. Did you kill them? Of course we killed them. They could have ridden off and told the Franks all about us. You would have done the same. I'm not blaming you. Aslaug: Harbard! (THUNDER RUMBLING) (RAIN POURING) (SHOUTS) Harbard! (WEEPING) Harbard! (SCREAMS) (BREATHING HEAVILY) It's Lagertha. You had better come... Both of you. I lost my child. I knew that I could never have the child, no matter what I did. The Seer told me a long time ago but I was hoping that I could cheat the fates. Shh. It's all right. (SOBBING) Shh. Shh. Go away. Shh. Just, just go away! Leave me alone. Your Highness. Your Grace. Daughter. How grateful I am that we can now announce that you are with child. (ALL APPLAUDING) The alliance between our peoples, born of baptism and marriage, is the only way to safeguard our future. In the meantime, what efforts has Your Grace made to ensure that the pagans have quit our realm? I have sent boats down river to ascertain the truth of it. It may well be that my brother will choose to sack and plunder Rouen, rather than return to his people empty-handed. But I have already sent word to the lords of that town to prepare their defenses against such an attack. Above all men, I know how much I owe both to God, and to those closest to me, for our delivery from evil. Now, I would also like to express the same to Sire Roland. Though an underling, I believe you did far more than Count Odo to preserve and defend our city. Therefore, I proclaim you in turn, Count Roland, Defender of Paris. (ALL APPLAUDING) And may you continue to serve us faithfully as before. I am honored and humbled. And ready to sacrifice myself at any moment for Your Highness's greater glory. You may all leave, content in my good graces. Except for you, Count Roland. Stay a moment. I want to ask your permission, Count Roland. My permission? But for what? Why should the Emperor ever have to ask permission? I want to sleep with your sister. I desire her to be my mistress. Have you asked her? I would like your permission... ...first. You have it. Of course, Your Highness. I am sure she will think of herself as the most fortunate woman in Paris. Wait. There is something else. Why is my father giving preference to those people? I don't know. I don't think you understand the way things work here. You are too simple. Simple? What is simple? The person who is closest to my father is the person who has the most power in Frankia. And it seems as if he has suddenly given power to a young soldier. But I am Duke. I have been given great lands, and the responsibility for the defense of the entire realm. Even as you say those words, they start to sound hollow. Entire realm, great lands. What does it mean? Roland has actually been given command of the city. He will always be closest to the Emperor. Do not underestimate your father. Oh, it would be impossible to underestimate him. Just as it would be impossible to understand him. It's not right that a man of such humble origin should take precedence over you, or me! It's unfortunate, but this Roland should be removed before his appetite for power becomes too pronounced. Hmm. What are you doing? Hmm? I'm trying to have s*x. I am with child. So? You are carrying my child! This makes me very happy. So, it's not possible. No, it's really quite... Simple. It's not going to happen. (GROANS) I told you, this is Frankia, we do things differently here. You have to respect me in my sacred condition. (EXHALES) Many things are better here. Just a few things which were better before. [SCENE_BREAK] (HORN BLOWING) All: Heave! Man: Pull! ALL: Heave! (GRUNTING) Man: Pull! All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Man: One, two. All: Heave! Heave! Ecbert of Wessex, you come among us to be crowned King of Wessex and Mercia, two proud and ancient kingdoms which will now be one and indissoluble under your governance and by God's undoubted will. (SPEAKING IN LATIN) All: Amen. With this Holy Chrism, we hereby anoint you. (SPEAKING IN LATIN) Amen. All: Amen. Take this sword, which is bestowed on you with the blessing of God, that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may resist and cast out all your enemies. (CHANTING IN LATIN) With this most ancient and venerable crown, and in the sight of all here present, and in the sight of God, I crown you King of Wessex and Mercia. Now you are a consul of Rome, like Caesar! (ALL APPLAUDING) (CHEERING) I suppose you should be congratulated, King Ecbert. By a clever ruse you have become ruler of one of the biggest, richest kingdoms in England. And all without my help. Despite the fact that we are formally allies. No, fortunately, there was limited bloodshed. Which is always to be favored. After all, we need our armies to fight not each other, but the Northmen. You always have a clever answer. The fact is, you betrayed me! You told me nothing of your plans. We were to divide Mercia equally between us. But you have taken it all. And now it occurs to me your new kingdom directly abuts mine. So it does. But surely we are still allies? I feel I ought to ask you that question. It may be true that things have changed. Life is all about change, is it not, King Aelle? If we don't change, we fall behind. What was once true, and real, is suddenly no longer true, no longer real. And sometimes, we have to accept that. You mean our alliance? Yes. We had an alliance as equals. But, as you can plainly see, we are no longer equals. Everything has changed. For both of us. You must get used to it. Man: Together! Man: Forward! All: Heave! Heave! Heave! (GRUNTING) Heave! Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Man: Heave! All: Heave! Ironside! Come and see. See what? Just come! It's worth it. All of you, come! Follow us. All of you! Follow us! Come! Come on! All: Ragnar! Ragnar Lothbrok! Hail Ragnar! (CHEERING) Man 1: Hail Ragnar Lothbrok! Man 2: Hail Ragnar! (SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE) I'm not finished yet. There's one more thing I have to do. (MOANING) (SIGHS) You are a mystery to me. When I asked you to come with me, you did. You didn't ask for anything in return. What do you want? What can I give you? Perhaps you could have asked me that question a long time ago. When I first met you, I saw something in you. You still have it. It's a refusal to abide by the rules. A wildness, only just contained. I still love that about you. Do you? I do. I chose you as my companion. I accept that you might not love me. I know that my being the son of Ragnar Lothbrok has little meaning to you. And I like that about you. Why do you say these beautiful things now? Gunnar, I have the fish! Man: Don't run too far, boys. Stay close! Your move. I don't want to play. Move! That was stupid of you. You lose. Don't call me stupid! Why not? Because I'm the only reason you're still alive. Siggy is dead. Who? I found her body in the river. Aslaug: Oh, her! I thought... I thought someone was taking care of her. Sigurd: No. Obviously not. (SCOFFS) Who cares? All: Pull! Man: One, two. All: Pull! Man: This one's ready! Man: One, two. All: Pull! Man: One, two. All: Pull! (GRUNTING) Man: Pull! In your name, All-Father, and in your son, mighty Thor, this sacrifice is dedicated. Man: Come on! I don't want you to kill Bjorn. If I agree to come back to you, would you give up on your revenge? A Viking never gives up on his revenge. This is who we are. My father was killed by Ragnar Lothbrok, and by his son, his ex-wife, his friends. And I will have my revenge. That was a long time ago, Erlendur. It always seems to me like yesterday. And how perfect to punish Ragnar by killing his son. Yes! Yes! Today is the day! You have to kill him. No. Yes. It's decided. The gods want you to do it, not me. I've dedicated this sacrificial offering to them. Now you must drink. What if I can't do it? What if I won't do it? I told you! I told you, you have no choice. If you have any feelings for your son or care whether he lives or dies. Now, drink. Here is my crossbow. No one expects you to be able to fire it properly. But if you get close enough, you can't miss. Look, here is the bolt. It goes in here. All you have to do is pull the trigger. (SOBS) (CLANGING) (ALL GRUNTING) Man: Go again! Man: Pull! ALL: Yeah. Torvi. Erlendur has told me to kill you. To revenge the death of his father. (SIGHS) (SNIFFLES) What are you waiting for? (GRUNTS) (GASPING) You're safe now. (GASPING) (RETCHING) Bjorn: The boats are on the... Are you all right? I will be fine. What is it? The boats are on the water. We are waiting your command. (RETCHING) Bjorn: It's what Yidu gave you, isn't it? She told me it was medicine. But now I feel poisoned without it. Then take some more. I only have a little bit left. I have to save it to fight Rollo. I need you. Paris cannot be taken without you. I don't care about Paris. I came for Rollo. I have to kill you. I must kill you. I must kill you. I have to kill you. I will kill you.

As the Vikings carry their ships overland, Harald and Halfdan kill a Frankish family. Lagertha has a miscarriage and is comforted by Ragnar. Aethelwulf and Alfred arrive in Rome, and the Pope makes Alfred a consul. In Wessex, Ecbert is crowned King of both Wessex and Mercia. King Aelle is displeased when Ecbert tells him they are no longer equals. In Kattegat, Sigurd discovers Siggy dead; he tells Aslaug, who shrugs off her death, and jokes with Ivar. In Paris, Charles appoints Roland its protector. The Vikings arrive outside Paris. Erlendur tells Torvi she must kill Bjorn, or he will kill her son; she approaches Bjorn with Erlendur's crossbow, but instead turns and kills Erlendur. Bjorn tells Ragnar that Paris cannot be taken without him. Ragnar replies he does not care about Paris, and that he is here for Rollo. As the Vikings sail for Paris, Ragnar mutters that he must kill Rollo.

fd_Friday_Night_Lights_04x02

fd_Friday_Night_Lights_04x02_0

Sammy: Folks, let me tell you, the sky is dry, the fields are brown. This town has been divided. We need to acknowledge the huge part you played in this redistricting. We just brought this kid in this morning. Next stop is juvie for him, and that's a bad path. If I need you to be here tomorrow morning at 6:00 A.M? I'll be here. So, what's it like being the guy who used to be Tim Riggins? Tim: I'm still Tim Riggins. Yeah, but you know what I mean, though. You're all the center of the universe in Texas one year and the next, boom, you fall off a cliff. Announcer: This is as bad as anything I have ever seen on a football field. The game is over. Dillon has forfeited. ( Crowd booing ) [EXT. ] ( A solitary truck parked in the open and we cut to see Tim Riggins asleep in the bed. A sheriff approaches, surveying the situation to find Tim asleep. ) Sheriff: Hey, wake up! (bangs on truck) Come on, get up. You can't be here. This is private property. ( Tim rouses awake. ) Sheriff: Hey, aren't you... aren't you Tim Riggins? Tim: Yes sir. Sheriff: Hey now, you are going to have to get yourself together and get out of here. You can't be here. Tim: Okay. [INT. Taylor House - Eric and Tami's Bedroom] ( Coach asleep alone in bed. ) Gracie (from another room): ...in here! ( This wakes him up with a start. ) Gracie: No, more! No, in here! Matt: She's gotta eat or she'll be mad. Julie: Look she's got a little belly. Matt: She doesn't know how... Julie: It's okay. ( Coach gets up and heads to the kitchen and we see Matt, Julie and Gracie at the counter. ) Matt: Hey, coach. Eric: Hey. Morning, Gracie Belle. Morning. ( Pours himself a cup of coffee. ) Julie: We made coffee. Eric: Did you bring the paper in yet? ( Matt and Julie look nervous. ) Matt: (standing up) I'll go get it. Eric: I'll get it... Matt: No, no, no... I'll Eric: (grumpily) No, I'll get the paper... Matt: No, I... Eric: I'll get my own paper. ( Matt surrenders, knowing there's no point fighting this. ) Eric: Thank you for the coffee. Julie: You're welcome. ( Eric heads down the hall to the front door. ) [EXT. Taylor House] ( Tami is grunting as she pulls up handmade white flags that are staked into the front yard. The signs read "Quitter." ) Eric: Morning. ( Tami turns to look at him. ) Tami: Hey, Hon. (reading Eric's face) Babe, just go on. Come on, let me just do this. [INT. West Dillon Panthers Coaches Room] ( The Panthers are watching the game tape from the previous game on a projector shouting victoriously. ) Team: Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! ( Lots of congratulating to J.D. and Luke. ) Wade: That's a helluva combo. Joe: Yeah... Boy, I can smell State. ( Team begins chanting "State! State! State!" ) [INT. East Dillon Locker Room] ( Polar opposite. Stan and Coach are watching their horrible game on an old TV set. ) Eric: (noting empty room) They damn well know they're supposed to be here, don't they? Stan: I know. Assistant Coach: Hey, I've looked everywhere. I went to training room, I went to the bus stop, nobody's here, Coach. No where in the building. ( Coach is angry. ) [EXT. East Dillon Football Fieldhouse] ( Coach walks to his truck and gets in, bitter, when Buddy drives up. ) Buddy: Hey friend! Come on, come go with me. Eric: Buddy, I'm not in the mood. I don't have time right now. Buddy: I got to show you something, Eric. Please. Come here. Please. ( This gets Coach's attention. ) [EXT. Empty lot of land] Buddy: Do you know what you're looking at, Eric? ( Address on solo mailbox reads: 2268 Oakdale Rd. ) Eric: No, why don't you fill me in? Buddy: This is the address for Luke Cafferty. Star Running Back. Dillon Panthers. Future Super Star. Luke. This is the address they have for him. Eric: Where does he really live? Buddy: East Dillon. He's supposed to be yours. ( OPENING CREDITS ) [INT. Taylor House - kitchen] ( Coach is holding his coffee and pacing, watching as Tami prepares Gracie's food. ) Tami: (looking at Gracie) There she is. (returning to conversation with Eric) I don't know what they were thinking. That were not gonna notice that it's an empty field out there? Do they think we're stupid? Eric: We wouldn't have known unless Buddy had told us. (shouts down hall) Come on, Julie! And that's another thing, don't say anything about that because he's afraid that half the town's gonna boycott his dealership. Tami: Well, I don't blame him. I'm a little worried myself. Eric: Julie, let's go!! Tami: Considering that in a Mrs. Coach kind of way Eric: Are you kidding? You don't have to worry about anything, you didn't do anything wrong. Julie, let's go!! Tami: I know I didn't do anything wrong but these people are all about doing the wrong thing. They don't seem to care. I feel just terrible for poor Luke Cafferty. I mean, that poor boy. I'm gonna have to tell him about this. Eric: I feel sorry for him. He has to come over to my school and be on my team. Tami: Honey... Eric: That's awful. Tami: Honey, come on now... Julie: I'm ready! Julie: Ready to go, dad? Eric: Yes. I'm very ready to go. Tami: Are you ready for your big first day? Julie: Yeah, should be fun. New teachers, new friends, new school... Eric: (to Tami) Bye. Tami: (kisses him) Goodbye. Tami: (to Julie) Come here. Eric: (mumbling on his way to the door) Come on let's go. Go to school half naked... Tami: Be careful. Julie: It's a high school, mom. Not a prison yard. Tami: Bye. I love you. Julie: I love you, too. Tami: Bye honey! [EXT. East Dillon High School] ( Lots of high school stuff going on. People hanging out by their cars, messing around on the grass, basketball game, people getting off the yellow buses, Rap music playing... ) [INT. East Dillon High School - Hallway] ( Shot of Julie walking down the hall looking totally out of her element. Cut to Vince strutting up the stairs looking like he belongs there. ) Vince: (to fellow student as he passes) What up? ( He gets upstairs and spots banner that reads: Lions Pride Losers ) ( He's upset but keeps walking. He gets to his locker and there's a little white flag sticking out. He yanks it off and looks around, angry. ) Student: What's up, man? Hey, man, what happened? Vince: You know who did this? Student: Do what? Vince: Put this flag in my locker. Student: I ain't seen nothing. You know I'd tell you if I seen something. Vince: Alright. Student: Come on, you know me better than that. Vince: Yeah, all right. [INT. Dillon Tech Art Class] ( Matt is sitting at his desk, concentrating on drawing a model draped with a white sheet (hey, this is TV right?) ) Art Teacher: (to another student) ...what you're saying there. ( She wanders the room before quietly approaching Matt. ) Art Teacher: I, um, took the liberty of putting you up in an internship. He's a local artist out here. His name is Richard Sherman and he's selected you. Matt: He did? Art Teacher: Mm...hmm. It's quite an honor. The guy's a genius. Matt: Okay... Art Teacher: Can you go this afternoon? Matt: Yeah, yeah, of course. (pause) Why did you put me up for an internship? Art Teacher: Because you have what every important artist needs. Matt: What's that? Art Teacher: Pluck. Matt: Yeah... oh-kay... Thanks. Art Teacher: Sure. [EXT. East Dillon High School - Parking Lot] ( Landry drives up in his old car and starts to pull into a parking space but there are a group of students lingering there. ) Landry: Excuse me! (leans head out the window) Excuse me, I, um... Excuse me, I just need to uh, just squeeze by here... Student: (slams the hood of his car) Get out of here! Landry: It's uh, an open-- ( The group of students aren't moving so he starts to back up when we hear a scream as he hits something . ) ...AAH! ( Landry leaps out of his car and we see a girl trying to get her bike out from under his rear wheel. ) Landry: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Hey! Jess: Okay, what the Hell, huh?! Look what you did to my bike, you freaking idiot! Landry: I mean honestly... you're not even wearing a helmet though... Jess: Okay, come on, are you serious? Landry: What if...? Jess: Okay, you know what, junior? I need to expalin something to you. Landry: Okay, I'm listening. Jess: It took me a lot of months to save up for that bike. Okay? So it means a lot to me. Because not everybody gets a car bought from their daddy. So you're gonna pay me damages. Landry: Damages? That's uh... Jess: For my bike. Landry: Yeah. Jess: Okay? Landry: Yeah. Jess: What's your name? Landry: Landry Clark. Jess: Landry Clark? Landry: What's your name? Jess: Jess Merriweather. Landry: Pleasure to meet you. Jess: Nice to meet you. M-E-R-R-I-W-E-A-T-H-E-R. Don't forget that when you make out the check. [EXT: Richard Sherman's House] ( Matt drives up and exits the car. He's wearing a suit and judging by the fact that there's scrap metal everywhere, it's the last thing he should be wearing. He knocks on the garage door where inside we hear drilling. Richard Sherman appears wearing nothing but stubble and gray underwear, a cigarette dangling from his lips. ) Richard: What the Hell's so important out here? Matt: Nothing, I'm sorry. I was just... I think I have the wrong address I was trying to find this, uh, artist that I thought... Richard: Who? Matt: Uh, Richard Sherman, but it's okay. I'm gonna take off, I'm sorry that I bothered you... Richard: I'm Richard Sherman, dumb ass. Matt: I'm... I'm Matt Saracen. I'm your new intern. Richard: (waving him in) Yeah, I gotta bunch a crap in here and I'm gonna need you to start moving it. Come on in. Matt: Sorry. Richard: There's shards on the floor and I don't want any crap about it. ( Matt enters, uncertain what he got himself into. ) Richard: You got shoes on? Matt: Yeah, I wear shoes. Richard: Then close the door. [INT. East Dillon Cafeteria] ( Landry is sitting at the table. ) Player: There's coach. ( Landry looks over and excuses himself. ) Landry: Alright, I'm gonna go ahead and take off. See you all later. Player: Alright. ( He starts to walk away when Eric puts his hand on his shoulder to stop him. ) Eric: Can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't know what's going on with my football players but I need your help, okay. Landry: Why'd you forfeit the game, coach? Eric: I'm sorry? Landry: I said, why'd you forfeit the game? Eric: I heard your question. Landry: Well, you have an answer to that cuz I don't understand. Eric: Listen to me. I don't have to explain my decisions to you, Landry. Landry: Okay, well I can explain to you that everyone gave absolutely everything they had out there and then you just quit on us? I don't know if you really know what that feels like but it's not a very good feeling. Eric: Do you understand what I'm saying? Landry: I'm done and everyone else is done. Eric: Hey! Hey! Hey, Landry! [EXT. West Dillon Football Field] ( Practice is in session in the rain and the coaches are yelling out: ) Let's go! Give me some piece! Gimme something to work with! There you go! Tight racing! ( Tami appears on the sidelines holding her umbrella and calls Luke over. ) Tami: Hey, Luke! Come here, son. Luke: Hey, Principal Taylor. Tami: How you doing? Luke: (referring to his play) Did you see that? Tami: I... yeah, that was amazing. Luke: Wasn't that great? Thank you. Tami: Amazing. Luke: Thank you. Tami: I need to talk to you for a sec. Luke: Yes maam. Tami: I need you tell me where you live. Luke: 2268 Oakdale Rd. Tami: Is that really where you live? Luke: Yes maam. 2268 Oakdale Rd. Tami: You know that's an empty field with a mailbox in front of it, right? You live on Kilroy don't you? And you know that Kilroy is zoned for East Dillon High isn't that right? ( He nods, looking so sad and heartbroken. ) Luke: Um, I mean, I've worked so hard for the Panthers and this team means everything to me. I mean, there's no team over at East Dillon... Tami: Well, there is a team there actually. They're starting a team. Luke: Well, I mean, is there anything that we can do? Can you write a letter to the Governor or something? Tami: Tell you what the only thing, the only thing you can do is your parents could move. That's the only thing. Luke: That's not gonna happen. Tami: I'm sorry son. You're gonna have to go over there, you're gonna have to pack up your stuff. Starting tomorrow you're going to school at East Dillon High. Luke: What? That's it? Tami: That's it. ( Luke starts crying, all his hard work and dreams slipping through his fingers. ) Luke: I mean, I will... I will get an 'A' in every single class. Tami: I know, you're a good student. Luke: Every one. I promise you that. I will... I will do anything, I swear to you, I will do anything... (sobbing) I'm begging you. Tami: (sympathetic) I'm sorry, son. I hate that it has to be this way, too. Luke: (wiping away tears) No, I'm okay, I'm okay... Thank you. Tami: You gonna be alright? Luke: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. Thank you very much. Tami: Go on now. ( Tami turns to walk away as Luke heads back to his team when he pauses and calls her back. ) Luke: Principal Taylor! Hey! I'm real sorry for lying to you. For the whole time and for lying to you right now to your face. I'm real sorry, okay? Tami: I appreciate that, Luke. I do appreciate that. Luke: Okay. Tami: It'll be alright, son. Luke: No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Thank you. ( They break away. ) Wade: Luke! Luke: Yeah, I'll be right there, Coach! [INT. RIGGINS RIGS Garage] ( Tim is working under a truck. ) Billy: Why hasn't the part for Mrs. Carlson's Taurus come in yet? Tim: I don't know, Billy. Billy: The part was ordered ten days ago, Tim. Did you order it from Tahiti? Finish this transmission man. Finish it today. You were working on it all day yesterday. Tim: Hey, uh, just throwing it out there. It's been well over two weeks. Do you think I'll get paid or...? Billy: I'm waiting on some money to come in, alright. Tim: When? Billy: Seriously, could you back off for two-seconds? Do you have any clue what I've got on my plate right now, Tim? Seriously man. I'm trying to run a garage, I gotta a pregnant wife, and I haven't slept for two weeks because... because Mindy's reading some stupid book about what's supposed to happen every two seconds of your pregnant life and now every time she farts she thinks she's thinking that her water's breaking. Or, or, that's she's going into contractions. So back off! ( Phone starts ringing and Billy answers it. ) Billy: Riggins Rigs. Tim: Hey, hey Billy! Could you pass me that violin please? Billy: (moving the phone away from his mouth) Will you shut up! Tim: You're hogging it. Billy: Shut up! (back on phone) No, that wasn't directed towards you, maam. Where are you? We'll send a truck out as soon as we can. Tim: When you're done with it, I need the violin. Billy: Get your ass up, okay. Get your ass up. We got a tow. [EXT. West Dillon High School - parking lot] ( Wade and Joe drive up to Tami's car in a golf cart. ) Joe: Principal Taylor. Tami: Hey y'all. Joe: What's it gonna take? Tami: I'm not sure what conversation we're having here. What are you talking about? Wade: Oh, I think you know. Tami: Are we talking about Luke? Joe: Yeah! We're talking about Luke. ( Laughs. ) Joe: Yeah. Tami: Uh-huh. Joe: So what's it gonna take? Like, new books for the library, new instruments for the orchestra, what? Tami: Are you all coming to me in the school parking lot and offering me a bribe? Wade: No but you need to be reasonable. Tami: Is that's what happening? Wade: You need to be reasonable about this, Tami. It's not gonna do anything but hurt this kid. You know, we can't let that happen to him and we can't let it happen to our team and we can't let it happen to the school. Joe: And we can't let it happen to you, Tami. I mean, what's gonna happen to you if this goes down? I think you're gonna get lynched. Tami: That is so sweet. You are so sweet to think about me. I appreciate that so much. But I can take care of myself, thank you. Wade: Okay, but think of this: that first win will have to be forfeited because of this. And if that happens we might not make it back from that. That means we might not make it to state this year. Now do you want that? Tami: No. That boy was enrolled here in illegally. Joe: Yes and ironically he just happens to be going to a school where your husband is the football coach. Would you do me a favor? Would you go home and ask your husband one thing: ask him who put up that mailbox. Because the Dillon Panthers have been using that mailbox long before I got here. And if I want to do a little digging around. You know, I think things could come up. I think games could be forfeited. I think rings could be lost. ( Tami mulls this over. ) [EXT. Tim driving up in a Riggins Rig to pick up his tow to find it's the daughter from his one night stand] Tim: You gotta be kidding me. Girl: Hey, Tim Riggins who used to be a Panther. Good morning. Tim: Tell me you need a tow. Girl: Ha, yeah, no, but I do need a ride to school. Which would be awesome because my mom's not here - I don't know what she's doing, she's MIA for some reason - and I had to find my dog this morning cuz little Squirt got out again and I missed the bus and my hair was doing this weird flip thing that I wasn't really too sure about and it was just a really rough morning altogether so... Let's get this show on the road! Come on! Let's get going. I'm gonna be late. ( He starts driving. ) Tim: Don't ever do this again. [INT. Matt's Car] ( Matt and Julie are riding in Matt's car as he makes his deliveries. ) Matt: I mean all I did all day was carry big, rusty, dirty pieces of metal around a junk yard. It sucked. Julie: (laughing) I still can't believe you were naked. Matt: No, I wasn't naked. He was naked. ( Julie laughs. ) Matt: Whatever. He never even asked me about my art. I mean, why does he think I'm there? Does he think I like doing manual labor? Julie: Well, maybe he thinks, you know, you're not a great artist cuz you go to community college. ( Matt clenches his jaw and nods. ) Julie: I mean, no offense. I didn't mean it to sound... Matt: It's fine. Julie: I'm just saying you need to get him excited. You need to show him who you are and your art and just take the bull by the horns. Matt: Well, you know I have been told I have pluck. Julie: Really? Matt: Yeah, I don't know what that means. [EXT. Apartment Complex - kinda sketchy] ( Eric drives up and walks up a flight of stairs. Sirens in the background and a woman yells something I can't decipher. Eric knocks on one of the doors. A haggard looking woman answers it. ) Eric: Um, maam. I'm Coach Taylor from over at the high school. Are you Vince's mother by chance? Mother: Yeah? Why? ( In the background we see Vince walking up to see the exchange but Coach doesn't see him. ) Eric: Yeah, why? Well, I just wanted to... I just wanted to talk with him, that's all. I just came by to talk him. He hasn't been at practice the last few days. Mother: Well, that's his business. Ain't no laws about missing no practice. ( She starts to shut the door but he pushes it back open. ) Eric: Ma'am, I'm just trying to help your son. Mother: You got tweenty bucks? Please? ( Eric hands her a twenty. ) Mother: Lincoln and Victory almost every night. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. Gas Station] ( Eric is sitting in his truck, eating a burrito while his tank fills with gas. The man at the car next to him calls out. ) Man: Hey, do you know how to get to Lubbock? Eric: You gotta take 61 up to 23. ( The man seems to recognize Eric. ) Man: Hey, Dillon East right? You're the coach at Dillon East. You lost your inner pirate. Uh, have you ever heard 'swing your sword'? You're supposed to swing your sword like this (motions with is hands high up). You're swinging yours like this. (motions with his hands limply) I mean, uh, you gotta find your inner pirate. (Eric is looking at this man like he's nuts) A lot of times, things just happen for a reason. We don't know why God wants it that way? But you can't make the best out of it until you get back your inner pirate. You might be the luckiest man alive and not even know it. ( The guy drives away leaving Eric dumbstruck. ) [INT. Taylor Kitchen] ( Tami is at the counter cutting up cucumber when Eric comes home. ) Eric: Hey, babe. Tami: Hey. Eric: Smells good. Tami: Babe? Babe? Eric: Yup? What? Tami: Did you know that that mailbox was out there by that empty field? Did you know that? ( Eric pauses way too long. ) Eric: What are you talking about? Tami: I'm talking about Joe McCoy told me today that that mailbox has been out there since you were head coach of the Panthers. Did you know? Eric: Listen, I don't follow what the boosters and parents in town do. That's not my job. You know there's a lot of different ways that... that people try and get kids on the team. Tami: Um... hum. Eric: What does that mean? Tami: That means you sure were paying a lot of attention the last couple of days when you were trying to get Luke Cafferty on your team. And you know now I'm in a bad position because Joe McCoy is about to go out and do all kinds of research and all kinds of digging into things like State Titles... Eric: Don't talk to me like that. Tami: Well, honey, I'm talking about your State Title. And not just you but your team. Eric: Well, you know what, honey? I may not even have a team. Tami: Of course you have a team. Eric: No, I might not have a team. I'm surprised your friend Joe didn't inform you that my team hasn't been showing up for practice since the forfeit. Tami: Well, I didn't know that. I'm sorry to hear that. Eric: Well, I'm glad you're sorry. I'm sorry, too. Tami: Why didn't you tell me? Eric: Hell, I tried to get Landry to get together to try and bring the team out there and you know Landry did? In the middle of teh cafeteris, Landry looks at me and basically says, "Hey, Coach, go to Hell." Tami: Babe, I'm sorry to heat that but I still don't think you should've lied to me. Eric: I didn't lie to you. Tami: Well, I wish you had told me... Eric: But I didn't lie! Tami: Well, you should have told me that you knew that... Eric: Knew what? I don't know who put the mailbox there! You saying I put the mailbox there? Does anyone else say I did? Cuz I didn't! I don't know who put it there. Tami: Don't raise your voice at me. Don't raise your voice. You're being ridiculous. Eric: I'm not reaising my voice! I don't want to come into my damn house and be accused first thing before I sit down Tami: Well then don't lie to me next time! Eric: I didn't lie to you! I didn't put the mailbox there! Tami: Where are you going? Eric: I'm going to get some milk. [EXT. Park and Victory and Lincoln] ( Eric drives up to a baseketball game, pauses to consider what he's going to do before stepping out. ) Calvin: (seeing Coach) Oh, what the hell, man? Say, V. Vince! ( Eric walks up. ) Calvin: (to Eric) You came to the wrong gym, homie. Eric: (ignoring Calvin) Vince, let me talk to you. Calvin: Can't you see we hooping, man? Eric: Yeah, I can see. Calvin: Talk to him at school. Eric: I can see and I understand. He's not in school now is he? (returning attention to Vince) You're making a mistake, man. Hey! Officer Shaw keeps calling. I can't keep him away forever, man. I've been watching those game tapes, man. You're running the forty in under five, a full pass and you got all the moves, man. You gotta a lotta talent, I'm telling you. Don't throw it away. ( Vince looks over once in awhile but doesn't stop playing. ) Eric: You gonna talk to me? Hey, Vince! You gonna throw it away? You gonna throw that away? Last chance. I'm not going to waste my time anymore. ( Eric waits a beat but Vince just keeps playing B-ball so he walks away. ) Eric: Your choice Big Man. [INT. Richard Sherman's Garage/Studio] ( Richard is flipping through some of Matt's drawings while Matt stands there, waiting for input. Richard isn't pausing or talking, just going through them. When he's done, he hands them back to Matt. ) Richard: There's some Chevy parts out in the back, I want you to move them here in the front because I gotta start cutting them. Matt: Yes, Sir. ( Richard returns to his sawing. ) [INT. Ray's BBQ Restaurant] ( It's a small dive. The kind of place the locals know and love but an outsider is not likely to know about. We see Jess working her butt off bussing tables. ) Jess: (to an older man serving BBQ as she passes) Excuse me. Hey, Pops. Pops: Babe, can you get me the sausage from out back? Jess: All right. You want the spicy kind? Pops: Yeah. That'll do. ( She dumps her bin of discard and as she moves back, he hands her a new tray of food to deliver. ) Pops: Here you go. ( We suddenly spot Landry sitting at a nearby table and observing as Jess delivers the food. ) Jess: (serving) Maam. Extra BBQ sauce. For you. Here you go. Enjoy. ( After she's done, she delivers to another table. ) Jess: Here's your pickles, man. ( She opens a refrigerator, looking spent. She grabs a large heavy pot and starts carrying it back, pausing to bus a table. She drops something. ) Landry: (gets up from his table) Here, I got it. I got it. ( Jess looks over but keeps going, taking the pot to Pops. ) Pops: (helping to take the pot from her) Yeah. Jess: You wanted the spicy kind, right? Pops: Yeah. Jess: Okay. ( Landry starts bussing his own table and a few others. ) Jess: (to Pops) I can... You want me to...? Pops: No, no, no, no... You're good. Jess: Okay. ( Landry walks up with his trash. ) Landry: Here you go. Jess: What you doing? Pops: What's your problem? Landry: I don't have a problem. I was just... uh, she looked busy and I just thought I'd help her out. We go to school together. Jess: Oh, uh, this is, uh... Landry: I'm Landry. Jess: Yeah Landry. Landry: Nice to meet you. Jess: Landry, my dad. Landry: Oh, he's your... Pops: Yeah. Jess: Yeah. Landry: Yeah. ( Pops hands him a garbage bag. ) Pops: Yeah, Landry. Take that out back. Thanks for the help. Landry: Yeah. (starts going to the back) Nice kitchen. Pops: (giving Jess a pointed look) Landry? Jess: (at a loss to explain or comprehend herself - starts walking away) Yeah, I'll get that... ( Pops turns around to see customers. ) Pops: Yeah? What'cha want? [INT. East Dillon Coach's Office] Eric: Here's what we're going to do: we're going to call a speical practice for Saturday night. Assistant Coach: Saturday? Eric: If it doesn't work out, we're gonna start over. Stan: What exactly does that mean - 'start over'? Eric: I don't know, Stan. (he gets up from his chair) I don't know what 'start over' means. ( He leaves the office. ) Eric: Saturday night! [EXT. East Dillon Football Field] ( Coach surveying the land when Tim passes by and spots him. ) Tim: Coach? Eric: Huh. Tim, how you doing? I heard... How come you're not back at college? Tim: I, uh... Eric: You what? Tim: I'm working full-time with my brother now. Making some money. You, uh, you look different. Eric: It's the color. Tim: Yeah, it's pretty red. Eric: (adjusts cap) Yeah. Well. Tim: Well, I mean, I heard about the forfeit. And, uh, it's a shaky start so. I mean, I'd love to be a part of it if I can help in any way. Eric: You're offering your help to me? Tim: Yes, sir. Eric: (smiles) Come with me. Come on. [INT. Restaurant with Dillon Panthers on the wall] ( Wade and Joe are meeting with the Boosters when Tami enters. ) Joe: Hey, do we have the latest injury report for Rural Rock? Is that middle linebacker of theirs still messed up? Cuz if he is, boy, it's gonna be party time... He's out? Booster: Left knee... Joe: Now, Buddy, are we looking to talk to that Quarter... Tami: Sorry, I hate to interrupt. How are you? Good to see you, Sam. Don't mean to interrupt, I just... (looking at Joe) Can I have a quick word with you, Joe? Talk amongst yourselves. Um, I just wanted to make sure that we didn't have any understanding the other day when we had that conversation in the school parking lot... you know with the golf cart and all of that... And I just wanted to make sure we're clear that my decision has been made and is made and that Luke Cafferty is going to East Dillon High. ( She looks around at the not happy faces. ) Joe: Are you clear about what I told you? Tami: Yeah, I think I heard you. You mean about doing an investigation and retroactively taking away Panther State titles. That's the thing you're talking about? Because I just want to actually make sure that your also going to check with all these gentlemen here about that because as you said, that's going to mean rings being taken away and things like that and I can betcha there are a lot of rings in this group, you know. Family and what not. So, you do what you have to do. I know you're going to do what you have to do but I just wanted to make sure that I am very clear with you on where on stand on it. So, I'll let you all get back to it. Thank you so much. Than you all so much! You all enjoy! ( As she walks away, all the eyes at the table shift to Joe McCoy. ) [EXT. Richard Sherman's Garage] ( Matt is moving around large pieces of scrap metal as Richard welds when he cuts himself. ) Matt: Hey, hey, I cut my hand and I don't have a tetnus shot. So I'm gonna have to go get one. Richard: (under his welder's mask) That was brilliant. Matt: Thank you, that was brilliant. (He's frustrated.) Thank you, thanks for everything. I'll see you later. Richard: What the hell's your problem? Matt: You... I don't know what your deal is. You're rude, nasty and that's fine, that's your thing, that's okay, you're an artist. And I'll carry all your crap but the reason I'm here and that I'm doing this is cuz I want to be an artist. Alright, so, the least you can do is say something about it. Richard: You want me to say something? Matt: I would like you to say something. ( Richard reaches for Matt's portfolio. ) Richard: Alright, I'll say something. (He pulls out the drawings.) Whoa... Matt: That's very helpful. Yeah, just wrinkle them up. ( Richard pulls out one and starts tearing it in half. ) Matt: Are you...? ( Richard keeps tearing and hands Matt a piece. ) Richard: Alright, this part here doesn't make me wanna puke. Try working from this place. Matt: Alright [INT. East Dillon Coach's Office] ( Coach is working when Vince enters, looking defiant, and puts a twenty on Coach's desk. ) Vince: You're not my father. I support my family. She had no business taking that from you. You shouldn't have gave it to her. Eric: Sit down. Sit down. (Vince sits.) I'm sorry. Don't quit on me. Don't quit on yourself. I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor. This team is broken all to hell. I could use somebody to help me put those pieces back together again. I don't know where I'm going but I'll get another job. This job doesn't work out for you, we both know where you're going. Bring 'em to me. Talk to 'em and bring 'em to me. Talk to 'em for me. Talk to 'em and bring 'em to me tomorrow night. Special practice. Ten o'clock out here - at the field. (Vince stands up and starts walking out.) Hey! It's just us. Just the Lions. Hey, talk to 'em! [INT. West Dillon Auditorium Pep Rally] ( It's wild and exciting! People are pumped up. ) Students: We are Panthers! We are Panthers! We are Panthers! ( Tami walks up to the podium. ) Tami: Welcome Panthers! We have a big game coming up with West Ambria... ( Boos and jeers from the crowd and we see signs "We Want Luke." A conflicted Buddy Garrity is leaning against a wall. ) Tami: I will wait. Students: We want Luke! We want Luke! We want Luke! ( Joe McCoy is watching smugly as Tami just stands there. ) [EXT. East Dillon Football Field - Saturday Night] ( The coaches are on the field waiting. Luke Cafferty walks up to the field wearing a West Dillon t-shirt. ) Luke: Hey coach, I'm, uh, I'm Luke Cafferty. I'm here for the special practice Coach Taylor called. ( Luke goes to shake hands with the Asst. Coach and he's very polite. ) Assistant Coach: Luke, nice to see 'ya. Welcome to East Dillon. Luke: Thank you, thank you. Eric: Luke, how you doing? Luke: Hey coach. Eric: Good to see you. Stan: Stan Traub. Luke: How are you? Stan: Great admirer. Luke: Nice to meet you, coach. Stan: Big fan of yours. Luke: Thanks. (looks around empty field) Uh, where's the team? Stan: Coach? ( Team walks up lead by Vince. ) Eric: How you doing folks? Vince? Vince: Coach. Eric: How you doing, Tankard? Assistant Coach: Good evening gentlemen. Good to see you. Eric: Listen, last week we got our asses beat doing our best. And there is no shame in that, gentlemen. But I'll tell you what, I got shame in me. I have got shame and I apologize to you. I apologize for not giving you the chance to finish your fight. I want to finish that fight with you. And I'm asking you, right here, right now, to allow me to help you finish that fight. ( The team is quiet as Eric starts a fire in an old can. He picks up a plastic bag of old videotape and pulls one out. ) Eric: See this gentlemen? This right here, this is the past. (He throws the tape into the fire and grabs one of their bloodied jerseys from a large pile.) Who wants to finish this fight? Who will finish this fight with me? ( Vince walks up, sharing a look with Eric and burns his jersey. Landry soon follows. ) Landry: I will, sir. ( Landry shares a look of understanding with Eric and takes the jersey from him, tossing it into the fire. Tank follows. ) Eric: Glad to have you on board, Tankard. ( Luke takes off his W. Dillon t-shirt and burns it. ) Eric: Let's finish it. (The rest of the team joins in.) Let's finish it. Let's finish it! Let's finish it! Team: Let's do this boys! Eric: Let's finish it. [INT. BAR] ( Tim is back at the bar, drinking his woes. ) Bartender: Hey, sailor. Looks like you haven't slept in a week. Tim: Feels that way. Bartender: Well... Tim: Kinda looking for a place if you know any. Bartender: That shouldn't be so hard. Tim: It is when you don't have first and last. Bartender: Well, I do have this trailer in my backyard. I'll charge you a $100 a month. You can stay there until you find a place. Tim: (considering) That's very sweet but... Bartender: Don't get me wrong, that was unbelievable but I'm not really that into you and more importantly, I can tell you're not that into me so who really needs to go there. I'm not gonna come banging on your door in the middle of the night, know what I mean? But I can use the cash. Tim: When? Bartender: Start right now. Let me get you the keys. Tim: Like tonight right now? Bartender: Remember where I live? I'm gonna give my daughter a call. She's not gonna know you from Adam. I don't want you to scare her. ( Tim just stares at her thinking this woman is clueless. She pulls off the key and hands it to him. ) Bartender: Here you go. Tim: Thank you. [EXT. Bartender's house] ( Tim drives up as girl is hanging up laundry. ) Girl: Hey. Tim: Hey. ( Tim enters the trailer and closes the door while girl watches. She enters the house. ) [INT. Taylor Living Room] ( Tami is lounging on the sofa, sipping wine, when Eric wanders in. ) Eric: What are you doing? Tami: Drinking wine. Eric: Oh? Tami: How are you? ( Eric plops himself down next to her. ) Eric: Hmm? How'd everything go today? Tami: I got booed at the pep rally. Eric: What do you mean booed? Tami: I mean booed. Boo. But I did get one little bit of satisfaction. Just being able to stand up to those good old boys so I got that going for me. And wine. How was your day? Eric: They showed up. Tami: They did? Eric: It's a start. Tami: That's right. Eric: You know, I'm sorry I lied. Tami: I know. ( They sit there, taking in the moment. ) Eric: Now I just gotta find us a way to get some new uniforms.

Coach tries to reenergize the broken spirits of his team as he gains a new player. Tami takes a stand that ruffles feathers. Matt meets a local artist. Tim is kicked out by Billy and Mindy and moves into a trailer.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_06x12

fd_One_Tree_Hill_06x12_0

A little old man and i fell out. I'll tell you what it was all about. He had money, and I had none, And that's the way the noise begun. RIVERT COURT Jamie : 74. Nathan : Sure? Jamie : Yep. 74 inches, daddy. Nathan : 6'2". Jamie : I can measure again. Nathan : No. It's okay. I've been 6'2" since I was 17. Jamie : Is that bad? Nathan : Well, if I was 6'5", I might be in the pros by now. Jamie : What if you were 8'5"? Nathan : I'd probably be dead of heart failure. Jamie : Well, I think 6'2" is perfect. Heck, I'd settle for 4'2". Nathan : Well, you can thank your short-Pants mom for that. Hey! Haley : He got some good stuff from me, Like the piano he's gonna rock at the talent show tonight, huh? Huh? Yeah. Jamie : Are you gonna be there, daddy? Nathan : I wouldn't miss it. Jamie : I wish I could come with you today. Nathan : I know. I tell you what ... I'll tell you all about it, okay? Haley : And this idea you have? It's what you want to do? Nathan : It's what I have to do. BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Sam! Breakfast! Jack : Hi. Brooke : He spent the night in your bed? In my house?! Sam : Well, I thought it was out time a guy stayed here. Brooke : Watch yourself. Sam : Look, he's my friend, and he lives with is brother. And he just ... he beats on him sometimes, and he needed a place to crash. Brooke : Okay. Does this half-Nude, window-Fleeing friend have a name? Brooke : Jack Daniels... John "jack" Daniels. Brooke : You expect me to believe that a boy Named after the white-Trash-Rock-Band drink of choice Spent the night in your bed and nothing happened? Sam : Dude, I'm like 15. Brooke : Like that matters! When i was 15 ... Never mind. Tell me when someone is staying in my house, And if your friend needs a place to "crash" again, He can sleep on the couch! Now just... Go do something. AT THE BAR Julian : Hi, Luke. Lucas : I'll stay on the movie... because it matters to me. But you and i are not friends, Julian : And you'd Peyton aren't anything. Flash Medecin : How is our girl Peyton? And how long have you been experiencing this pain? Peyton : A few days. Medecin : Any history of diabetes in the family? Ulcers? Peyton : Um...no. Medecin : Cancer? Peyton : My birth mother died of cancer. Why? What ... what's the face that you're making? Medecin : We just want to run some tests. Julian : Consider it a test. You fly to los Angeles, and while you're gone, If Peyton doesn't fall in love with me again, Then you'll know you two were meant to be. Lucas : You're a dick. You know that? Julian : Listen, the truth is, this guy's an a-List director. He's got several offers, and you need to meet with him. Lucas : Today? Why? Julian : Because i told you we'd be equal partners on this movie, And i need you to sign off on him. Lucas : What are you gonna do? Julian : I'm producing a movie, Luke. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not staying in town to hit on your fiancée. It's your book. John : What? Sam : You just froze there, halfway out the window. You looked like such a dork. John : Well, you're the one who didn't set the alarm right. Sam : Whatever. She thought we were doing it. As if. John : What do you mean, "as if"? A lot of girls would do it with me. Sam : Yeah. But those girls are called prostitutes. John : Why? Sam Hi. Producer guy, right? Julian : Orphan girl, right? From the concert? Sam : Sam. Julian : Julian. Sam : I know. You can help me. Julian : Good. You can help me, too. SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : So, what happens at this... what do you call it? Nathan : It's called a combine. Coaches and scouts from the pro teams come watch you play. Jamie : And they pick you for the NBA? Nathan : You find them yet? Jamie : No. Hey, Ii think you should wear the number 12 next. Nathan : Why? Jamie : I don't know. I like the number 12. That's what I'm gonna wear when I'm in the pros. Nathan : All right. Jamie : Okay, I found them. Nathan : Oh, good. Jamie : These are really ugly, dad. Nathan : Well, they made a few models, So just pick one you like, you knucklehead. Jamie : Okay. Nathan : So, your mom's pretty excited About you playing the piano at your talent show tonight. Jamie : I know. Nathan : You don't sound very pumped up. Jamie : I just kind of wanted to tell jokes. Nathan : Dude, I've heard your jokes. Trust me, stick with the piano. Jamie : But the song is a kiddy song, and I'm not very good at it. Nathan : Well, all you can do is the best you can, all right? That's all that matters. Speaking of which. Are you telling me you can't find those shoes by now? Jamie : Oh, I found the shoes a long time ago. I just like it up here. Jamie : We found the shoes. Haley : Yay! All set? Nathan : Yeah. All right. See you at the talent show. Haley : Go be great. Love you. Nathan : Love you. Jamie : Daddy. All you can do is your best, okay? AT THE BAR Julian : You want some coffee with that sugar? Sam : How do you take yours? Julian : I don't. Never touch the stuff. So, you said I could help you out. How so? Sam : I was thinking, um, Maybe you could read some of the stuff I wrote. Julian : You're a screenwriter? Sam : I just write things. I get a little pissed off sometimes, you know? Julian : Okay. Tell me about Brooke Davis. Sam : Dude, I am so not hooking you two up. Julian : No, no, her clothing line. Is she any good? Sam : Yeah. Think you'd be lucky to have her. For the movie, right? That's why you're asking? Julian : Give me your phone. This is my number. I'm happy to read anything you want to send me. Sam : You'd do that? I mean, I just kind of heard you're a dick. Julian : I am. But maybe I'll read something i can steal. I got this. Hey, is she single ... Brooke? Sam : No... Yeah. You know, I'm betting you're actually nice. Julian : And I'm betting you're not bitter. Keep writing, Sam. She's out of your league, my brother. BROOKE'S HOUSE Millicent : I told Gigi to stay away from Marvin, And the next thing I know, she's hugging him in the parking lot. Brooke : What were you doing in the parking lot? Millicent : Spying. Well, what am I supposed to do? She's a horny college party girl. Brooke : Millie, he's amused by her. Millicent : So, I don't want a guy who's amused by someone like that. Brooke : Okay. I know those girls... because I've been those girls. And all guys are amused by it. It doesn't mean anything. Mouth is not gonna fall for that. He's not. Trust me, she's harmless. AT MARVIN'S WORK Gigi : You ever think about having s*x on the news desk? Marvin : No ... Maybe. What are you doing? Gigi : Well, the news team is on location, so Chris said I could have my going-Away party in here tonight. 6:30 okay? Marvin : Actually, I have to go to Jamie's talent show. Gigi : I'm totally not having my going-Away party without you. Please. Marvin : One drink. I wouldn't miss it. AT THE STUDIO Peyton : You're gonna have to miss it. Mia : Peyton, come on! Peyton : You have to get back into the studio. Mia, I'm being very serious, okay? I'm so proud of you, and the first record did great. But our label friend, john, who I do not have a thing for, Is getting very impatient for the next one, So just tell me that you have been working on the demos. I asked you to do. Mia : Peyton, I've had a lot going on. Peyton : Okay, fine. How many songs do you have? Mia : I have a couple ideas. Peyton : All right. The label would like for you to listen to this. Mia : What for? Peyton : Because there are some very talented, Very expensive songwriters on there, And they want you to pick a track to record. Mia : But I write my own songs. Peyton : Apparently not. Apparently, you just write a couple ideas ... Hello? Hi. Oh, luke. Hi, honey. I'm sorry. No, no, no, I was just expecting another call. Yeah. No, I had to leave really early this morning. Um, I had a ... like a meeting with a band. Can you hold on one second? Okay. Please, just listen to that ... Hi, okay. Sorry. L.A.? Why are you going to L.A.? AT THE GYMNASIUM Man : Name and affiliation? Nathan : Nathan Scott, university of Maryland. Man : Professional affiliation. Who invited you to the combine? Nathan : No one did, sir. Man : These are professional trials, son ... invitation only. Nathan : I understand that. Look, I was an all-American at Maryland last season, And i was just hoping that ... Look, this is kind of my last shot. Man : Didn't you get thrown through a window? Nathan : Please. Man : I'm sorry. You can't be here. Coach : Nathan. He's with us. Better go suit up. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS [Brooke is dancing like a crazy girl] Julian : "Breakfast club." You were the priss. Brooke : Let me guess. You were the stoner? Julian : Well, if you say so. They end up together. Brooke : Can I help you? Julian : You should design the wardrobe for the movie. Brooke : I'm not a costume designer. Julian : Oh. I can see that. Brooke : I'm starting a new line. Julian : Well, okay, let me try this again. You should design the wardrobe for the movie. You were there, it's authentic, it's press-Worthy, and I would be lucky to have you before the debut of our new line, Which I'm sure is going to be fabulous ... Sorry ... Hello? Yes, this is me. It is too me. Oh, listen, I'm with Brooke right now. No, I'm not gonna blow it. No, I am not. No, I'm not ... Sorry. Sam says hi. Brooke : Sam? My Sam? And why does my Sam have your phone number? Julian : She has an interest in the film industry. Brooke : She is 15, you pervert. Julian : Okay, just wrap your head around it, okay? You and the movie, I mean. Not me and Sam. She's only 15, you know. You pervert. AT THE GYMNASIUM Chris : Hey, man, whose shoes are those? Nathan : Mine. Chris : I know that, but I'm saying, who else shoes are they? Ray Allen? Kg? Nathan : I heard what you asked. I meant what i said. They're mine. Chris : Whatever you say, baller. Kid got his own shoe contract, but he's still trying out for the big league. Don't matter none, anyhow. Ain't nobody gonna give no roster spot To no fool with no green elf shoes on. Hey, man, let me see those things, riddler. Man : 37 inches. Nathan : Get a close enough look? Man : 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17... Man : 3.1. Coach : Shame how you've let yourself go, Nate. BROOKE'S HOUSE Sam : You were kind of skanky, weren't you? Brooke : What? Sam : In high school. You acted all weird this morning. Because you were totally having s*x at 15. Brooke : I was not. Sam : You were, too. Is that where "clothes over bros" came from? Tired of being the dirty girl? 'Cause you're a bit of a prude now. Brooke : First of all, shut it. Second of all, if I have been a little frigid lately... It's probably because I ... was attacked at my store ... not long before you moved in, and it's made me a little closed off ... Especially with boys. Sam : Oh, my god. Brooke, did he ... Brooke : No. No. But I've been really angry about it, and i have a whole no other set of issues with Owen. And I'm ... Trying to let it all go, and i just wanted you to know. Because... i just want you to know. Sam : Okay? Brooke : Okay ... And, yeah... for the record, I was pretty slutty in high school. And i wish i wouldn't have been, 'cause you don't get to take any of that back. Sam : Brooke ... I like talking to you. Brooke : Thanks, Sam. I like talking to you, too. AT DIXON'S STUDIO Lucas : Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. Uh, I'm ... Dixon : Lucas Scott! "And in that moment, he realized it's not what you are or who you are, but who they allow you to be." That is good writing. Really good writing! I love this script. Love it! AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : I don't want to come out. Haley : Come on, buddy. I want to see you. Jamie : No, i look like a tool. Haley : James Lucas Scott. You look so awesome! Jamie : I look like a penguin. Haley : You look cute! Now come over here, and we will go over this song again. Little tie! Looks so cute. Jamie : Sorry, I always mess that up. Haley : It's okay. You nervous? Jamie : A little. Haley : Yeah, you definitely get that from me. Jamie : I wonder how daddy's doing. AT THE GYMNASIUM Chris : I remember now. You played at Maryland, right? Got into a scrape right before the draft. Man, you that fool. Man : 6'5 1/4". Chris : You hear that? Point guard! 6'5 1/4". Thank you, god and my mama. Nathan Scott, ladies and gentlemen. Man : 6'2." Chris : Ooh, 6'2" shooting guard. Are there any scouts out here for the ymca rec league? Coach : All right, all right. Gentlemen, we're gonna divide you up into groups and let you play. Point guards on my right. Two-Guards on my left. Forwards and centers, other end of the court. Show us what you got. Chris : Let's go, fellas. Man : Nathan. Two-Guards over here. Nathan : I'm trying out as a point guard. Coach : Okay. But... you ever played the point? Flash back Nathan : Well, I've never played point guard in my life. Quentin : You better learn, 'Cause you're too short to play the two in the pros. Bro, you 6'2". Nathan : And I was also 12 hours away From being an NBA lottery pick, you idiot. Quentin : Well, I'm glad you had the accident, 'Cause you sure wouldn't have made it. You got to move to the point. Nathan : You're out of your mind! You realize nobody's ever told me this before? Quentin : Well, I'm telling you now, all right? And anyways, man, they all get their commission when you sign. Ain't like nobody gonna risk their 10% by telling you the truth. Huh? Now, look, Nate. Yo, if you can make it by playing against tall guys at the two, man, all good. But if you can't, we work on your handle, we work on your quickness, and we make damn sure you got the best shot of playing pro ball. Nathan : Why are you doing this for me, Q? Quentin : This ain't just your dream, man. Let's work on that left. Numbers are funny. They can measure you, time you, analyze you all they want, but they all know what really matters Is how you play the game. He think I've lost a step because of my accident. So he's gonna play me tight. I haven't. Mans : Whoo! Now he'll back off because he doesn't want to get beat off the dribble. Just a half step. That's a mistake. Mans : Whoo! You ever heard the expression "they can't measure heart"? Well, the truth is, they can't measure any of it ... Heart, want, need. They think i can't play point guard. But Q knew I could. Mans : Whoo! You can't measure a dream. MOUTH'S WORK Gigi : Mouth, you made it. Here, you better catch up. Mouth : You're like the devil. You know that? Gigi : No, just devilish. What's that? Mouth : Just a little going-Away present. Gigi : Oh, it's the t-Shirt I slept in after I threw up and passed out in your bed. Oh, it's so sweet. You never told me how you got me into this t-Shirt, Mouth. Maybe sometime you can get me out of it. AT DIXON'S STUDIO Dixon : Is this your first script? Lucas : Yeah. Dixon : Don't worry. I'll fix I Lucas : Uh, is there something wrong with it? Dixon : No. I love it. I said i love it, and i love it. A couple thoughts, that's all. Lucas : Okay, like what? Dixon : All right, clear your head, all right? What if Haley... Dies? Lucas : You're serious? Dixon : I'm saying think about it. People love that stuff. Man, DiCaprio died in "titanic." That is gold, baby, gold! Lucas : Yes, but it didn't happen. Dixon : It doesn't matter. Let me ask you this. Who goes to see this movie? The same little bitches who went and saw "titanic." Young girls, man. They don't have a voice, But when they find something that speaks to them, We're talking box office, baby! You're king of the world! Whew! Lucas : Even so, Haley can't just..Ie. Dixon : You got a vision. I can respect that. What about this? ... What if Lucas and Haley get married? I'm serious about this one, 'Cause if there's one thing that I know, It's that audiences get crazy over who ends up together. It's what I do, Luke. It's what I know. Think about it. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : I thought about it. And I'm not interested. Julian : You couldn't have told me that over the phone? Brooke : Well, that, yeah, But the rest of this I wanted to say to your face. I don't trust you ... Not with Peyton, and definitely not with Sam. And that is not gonna get you anywhere ... the grin. I'm sure it's gotten you in a lot of doors And in a lot of beds, but it's not gonna do you any good with me. Julian : Listen, Brooke, when i make a movie, I set the bar as high as I possibly can. I put together y wish-List cast, My wish-List crew, my wish-List designer, And sometimes, you know, the timing works out, The material works out, and you get lucky. Sometimes you don't. Good luck with everything. PEYTON'S STUDIO Mia : I didn't listen to it. I write my own songs. Peyton : Mia, I am not in the best mood right now, and so it is a very bad time for you to make some naive little stand. Mia : You think I'm naive? Peyton, I am not the same girl who left on tour last year, okay? Peyton : God, I hope that's not true, because i liked that girl. As a matter of fact, i loved that girl. Mia : Oh, really? Then what happened to protecting her? What happened to telling the label to be patient, because my songs are gonna be great? Peyton : Oh, I've been doing that! I have been doing that for months now! But what happened to actually doing the work, Mia? Now, the label wants you to record this song Because they care. When they stop caring, that's when we have a problem. Mia : Well, I'm not gonna do it. Peyton : You are being so ungrateful! Do you understand? I put my ass on the line for you every single day! Mia : Well, I put my ass on the line for you every single night, Peyton. Okay? Literally. Did you see how short that skirt was that you put me in at the U.S.O. Show? But I did it. I've done everything you've asked me to do, but I am not gonna do this. Peyton : Hey. I'm not sure you should be on this label anymore. Life's too short. Trust me. SCHOOL TALENTS Chuck : Man, Madison's really killing it. Jamie : I knew I should've told jokes. Chuck : Seriously. You're hosed. Mouth : Hi. Haley : Hey! You smell like alcohol. Mouth : Really? Haley : Yeah. Mouth : Is it bad? Haley : No. Do you have any with you? Mouth : No. Brooke : Hey! Look who we found! Haley : Hey! Nathan : Hi, mouth. Haley : Hey, baby. How did it go? Nathan : I did what my son told me to ... the best I could. Haley : Here he comes! Brooke : He looks so cute! Haley : He's nervous. Jamie : Hi, my name is James Lucas Scott, and I'm gonna play "the first noel." Haley : He's just got to get past this first part, Nathan : And he'll be good. Haley : Oh, no. Jamie : This is awkward ... How's everyone doing tonight? ... Last week, my mom asked me how I liked going to school ... I told her, "not as much as I like coming home from it." And seriously, what's with the cafeteria food? I mean, i can't tell if kids are out sick from eating that stuff, or we're actually eating the kids who are out sick. Take my hot lunch...please. And now, the big finish ... Something like that. What do you want from me? I'm 5. Thank you and good night! AT THE BAR Sam : Should've gone to Jamie's talent show with Brooke. John : You're kidding, right? Sam : I like them. They're nice to me. John : I think it's funny how you stole from Brooke Davis and called her a bitch, and now you like her. Sam : I was pissed off. So what? John : What'd you say after she caught you shoplifting? You said she was a rich bitch and someone should put her in her place. Sam : So? John : You said someone should put her in her place, Sam. AT DIXON'S STUDIO Dixon : So, tell me again why Lucas has to end up with Peyton. Lucas : Because they do. Because that's the story. Because that's what happened. Dixon : It's a movie! Got to raise the stakes. Kill off one of the younger characters. PEYTON'S STUDIO Peyton : Hello? Hi, doctor. It's me. Well, what does that mean? What's wrong? AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Sam : After you caught me shoplifting. I was with my friends, and I said some terrible things about you. Brooke : Okay. Sam, what happened? Sam : Well ... don't, please. Just don't. But i didn't mean them. I didn't ... I didn't mean any of it. Brooke : But ... Sam, I'm sorry. I don't understand. Sam : The attack ... it was my fault. AT THE TRIC Julian : Bourbon is a good, honest drink, you know? Classier than whiskey. Less of a stick up its ass than scotch. Owen : I'm an alcoholic. Brooke : Owen... Has Sam been in here tonight? Owen : No. Why? What's wrong? Brooke : We had a ... a thing and she left and i let her go and i shouldn't have. Owen : It's okay. Here, have a seat. Brooke : No, i have to find her. Owen : Brooke, come on, she's a teenager. She's not even your teenager. Brooke : And what is that supposed to mean? Julian : I'll let you two... Brooke : Julian, if she calls you ... Julian : It's not my problem. Owen : Look ... I just mean it's not like she's gonna stay with you forever, right? Brooke : What is wrong with you? I came here because I need your help. Owen : But, I mean, you know Sam. She'll turn up. Brooke : No. It's different this time. But with you, it's exactly the same. Owen : Hey, Brooke! That's not fair. Brooke : I have to find her! But I'll do it by myself, just like I always do. Don't call me anymore. MOUTH'S HOUSE Mouth : So, how about we rent a movie, and then we can ... Millicent : I was looking for the number for the pizza place. Mouth : Oh, no. No, no, Millie, it's not ... Millicent : It's not what it looks like? This isn't a half-Naked picture of your ex-Girlfriend in one of your t-Shirts? Mouth : She sent it to me tonight. It was a joke. Millie, please. There is nothing going on between us, i swear. I-I was gonna delete it. Millicent : But you didn't. You know what? You're an idiot. Mouth : Millie, don't go, please. It doesn't mean anything. Millicent : You're wrong, Marvin. It means everything. SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : How funny was your son tonight? Nathan : Oh, he was goofy, like his mom. Haley : I think he was brave, like his dad. Mmm. So, what's next with our comeback? Nathan : Well, what's next is the phone's gonna ring, and the answer is either gonna be a yes or a no. Haley : It's going to be a yes. Nathan : I hope so. But if it's a no, then this is the end of it, and i'm okay with that. AT THE TRIC Owen : Rough night, Millie? Millicent : Horrible. Owen : Yeah, me, too. You know I haven't had a drink in over eight years? Tonight, that's gonna change. Millicent : I haven't had s*x in over 22 years and tonight, that's gonna change. AT THE BAR Julian : Thank you. Brooke : Hey. Julian : Hey, any luck? Brooke : Uh, no. Are you looking for her, too? Julian : I'm not that guy, Brooke. I'm just getting coffee. Sorry. Brooke : Excuse me. I'm looking for someone, uh, A young girl that comes in here a lot. She's kind of a skater, sarcastic. Girl : Let me guess. Her name is Sam, and she puts a lot of sugar in her coffee. Brooke : You've seen her? Girl : No, but that cute guy that just left asked me the same exact thing. Brooke : Thanks. SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : And then he got worried, and he backed off just a half step. So, what do you think I did? Jamie : Pulled up for 3 ... nothing but net. Nathan : That's right. You know, I'm proud of you, buddy. You took something that would've beaten most people, and you kept going with it. You turned it into something great. Jamie : So did you, daddy. Haley : All right, Chris rock, I know you're still wired, but it's time for bed. Jamie : How about a nursery rhyme? Haley : Okay. But you're gonna have to read it. You want an old-School, creepy one, or a new, good-For-You one? Jamie : Old-School creepy. Okay. Haley : Okay. There. Gentle. Jamie : "A man of words and not of deeds... Is like a garden full of weeds." "And when the weeds begin to grow, ... It's like a garden full of snow." "And when the snow begins to fall, ... It's like a bird upon the wall." "And when the bird away does fly, ... It's like an eagle in the sky." "And when the y begins to roar,... It's like a lion at the door." Peyton : Hi! I have to tell you something. "And when the door begins to crack,... It's like a stick across your back." "And when your back begins to smart..." John : Hey. You okay? "...It's like a penknife in your heart." John : Sam, this is my brother, "x." Flash back X : Have a nice night? X : Have a bad night? "And when your heart begins to bleed, ... You're dead ... And dead ... and dead indeed. "

As Lucas takes a trip to Hollywood to meet his film director, Nathan gets a pro basketball try-out. Peyton struggles with Mia to focus on her follow-up album, and Millicent confronts Mouth about Gigi. Julian approaches a dubious Brooke about designing clothes for his movie, and Haley takes a reluctant Jamie to his school talent show. Meanwhile, Peyton fears she may have cancer, because it runs in the family.[19] This episode is named after a song by The Flaming Lips .

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(Tone playing) Man: Now. This is my comeback. All right, I'm good. Let me take that again. Okay. This is my comeback. Valerie: Guys? I've got to have a camera on me. Okay? No, not that one. No. Got to have the one with the... yeah, but... You know, why don't you two switch? Okay? Tyler, you take the one with the... Just switch. Yeah. Tyler: Dude, she... Back off. She... just give it to me. Valerie: Yeah. Take the camera, take the camera. Okay, Jesus. Okay? 'Cause, you know... Take this camera. Can't make a pilot presentation if I'm not on camera presenting it. Right? (Chuckles) That's okay. It's the first day. You'll get it. I'm not worried about you. All right. See that, Mickey? See the difference? Oh. Feel that? Mm. Gorgeous, Red. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Good. So, um, yeah. I can use that part. "And this is my comeback." You know? But I don't want to use the part where I'm looking off camera, talking to someone. I don't know why I did that. You know, lesson learned. And can you also lose that piercing sound? They don't even use that sound anymore. Okay. When is this from? Uh, about 10 years ago. Jesus. Well, it's not that long. It's just technology moves so fast. I was nine. Okay. Guys, no talking. That's the bummer. Okay. So, let's pick us some clips. Show the people what I've been up to. Huh? Here's this. (Birds chirping) Mickey: What is this, Red? A home movie? (Eerie music playing) (Screaming) Oh, no. That's that, uh, independent film I did. Oh, right. With those cute college kids. Yeah. Well, they were in film school. You know? So it's an independent film. In film school, Mickey. You know, like our crew here. Got to start somewhere. Here. This is too high. Here. Mickey: Well, you were so good, Red. Valerie: Hmm? Mickey: Scary. (Sobbing) Well, half the blood was in my eye. So I was screaming in pain there. (Laughs) Editor: Here's this one. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is a good one. Yeah. Mickey: Oh. What are you saying? I'm saying... It's not a suicide, Pal-y. Yeah, yeah, that was fun. I liked that. I liked doing that show. The writers let me play. I added "Pal-y." Detective: What are we going to do with you? Looks like you've got to cancel your plans for tonight, huh? Yeah. Mickey: I'm surprised we didn't get a re-occur. Yeah, me too. Yeah. And she's here to talk to us about... Mickey: Good craft service. Valerie: Was it? Mickey: Great chili. Mickey, we've moved on. Oh, yes, we have, and it's a goodie. Yeah. Our infomercial. That's right. I'm here with Valerie Cherish, who has developed a brand-new hair-care line just for redheads. So, Valerie, can you please tell us a little bit about that? "Cherish Your Hair" is a product I've wanted to make for a very, very long time. Valerie: Hmm. Female host: Well, as a television star and an actress, your hair goes through a lot. It sure does. And it needs a lot of protection. That's why we developed "Cherish Your Hair," hair care for redheads. Because why should blondes and brunettes get all the attention? (Host laughs) And red can be a very harsh color treatment for your hair, am I right? Valerie: You sure are. Yeah. I'm going to let my hairdresser, Mickey Deane, tell you a little more about that. Can you? Mickey on recording: I certainly can. Redheads always need a little extra "T.L.C." That's "Tender Loving Cherish." (Host laughs) And this product can actually improve the texture of your hair. That's right, Joan. And it's because of a special ingredient in "Cherish Your Hair." Can you tell us about that? Yes, I can, Jean. It's all about a special cantaloupe in France that holds the moisture in due to something in the seed. Very nice. You know what? This is all good. It's all good. I like it because it shows me as an entrepreneur. You know? Like that Bethenny Frankel. Right? The, uh, Margarita gal. Skinny Margarita gal. That's what it's called. Narrator: To join the "Cherish Your Hair" hair care family, call 1-800-Cherish right now. Yeah. If this goes, that product will move. You know? We still have more of the color, right? Oh, we've got a whole warehouse full. Can't give it away. Narrator: We'll send you this free cantaloupe scoop. We're ready to fill orders. Valerie: What else have we got? Editor: Here's another. Valerie: Oh, this is "The Comeback." "All right, all right, all right!" (Mickey laughs) (Laughs) That's my Matthew McConaughey. Editor: Aw. Right? He likes it. Actor: Just open my shirt. (Audience laughs) Audience: Ooh! Note to self: I don't need to see that. (Laughing) "Room and Bored" is still funny. Mm. Even in that track suit. Yeah, well, you know what? That's the work, okay? Doesn't always go your way, but you have to make the best of it. Audience: Ooh! Right? You guys are so cute, but I'm going to have to hide you. Oh, you know what? You should back it up, because the front of the scene we have Juna and Chris, and Andy should see that, because they're such big stars now. That will be good. Audience: Ooh! Valerie: Oh, there he is. Stop. Yeah. Mickey: Who would have imagined it? What? Well, I did. I always saw Juna had something really special. So, you know. And Chris? He had that... What? Steroids? Well, might not want to accuse people of illegal drugs on tape, Mickey. You know what? That's all right. My show, I can cut it. Mark: Val. Yeah? Mark: My flight got in early. Okay. I'm in here. Oh. Hello. (Laughs) Hey, Mick. What's all this? You doing another student film? Oh no, Mark, I told you; never again after the last seven. Right? Oh. (Laughs) You didn't get him when he came in. You know? That's important. Missed an opportunity. That's all. Tyler: I'll do it, dude. I don't know. Tyler, no, you stay on me. Yeah. Mark: Oh, is that Tyler over there? Yeah. God, I can't see anything with that bright light. Yeah. I don't know how you do it, Val. Well... Tyler: Hey, Uncle Mark. Hey. Hey, you know, uh, call your mother. She hasn't heard from you in over a week. Valerie: Okay. Mark, don't do that. Well, she calls me crying. I know, but, um, don't embarrass him in front of the rest of the crew. Right? Because we're trying to be professional. He's in film school. Tyler: I'm not in film school. No? I thought... but don't you go to USC, right? You're a film major? No. Urban Planning. Okay. Didn't Delia say... I thought your sister said that he wanted a career in show business though. Yeah, I... Well Tyler: Okay. Okay? (Sputters) All right. Well, I'm going to go to the gym. Wish I could join you. (Laughs) Right. Oh, Mark? Marky? Mark: Yeah? What do you want for dinner? Tyler: Dude, watch out. Ooh. Are any of you in film school? (Laughs) Oh, come on, Val. At all? What does it matter? Anybody can use a camera now. Well... All right, well... Can they? I just really want it to look professional. You know? Because I'm going to give this to Andy Cohen. Oh. Is that what this is for? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. We've been communicating. You know? So... Wait, wait. Who is... who is Andy Cohen again? Uh... okay. (Laughs) Who is Andy Cohen? Um, he's the bravo guy. You know, the one who... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The, um, the "Housewives" guy. That's right. Yeah. Wow. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Very good. (Laughs) Yeah. So, we've been communicating because I wrote... We've been communicating because I wrote, um, "funny tweet, Andy." And he wrote back, "thanks, Val." So, yeah. And then... And then I wrote, um... "Wait till you see what I'm up to." So this is what I'm up to. Okay? Except no one's going to see it if you don't get people when they're entering a room. You know? It's important. But that's... You know what? That's why we're practicing today. All right, well, have fun. All right? Okay. Oh, Tyler, call, um, you know who. Sorry. But you know what? Keeps me grounded. You know? Okay. What's next on the agenda? Editor: I've got to go to the bathroom. Okay. So... Well, really? Okay. Valerie on recording: Sorry I'm late, Doll. Oh, I... I can't show this. I'm not supposed to have this footage. So. Oh, well, I've already got you a glass of wine. Ah, well, I'm not going to drink. It's the middle of the day. (Laughs) Waiter? I should... I can't... I can't show this. I can't show it. Um, how do I turn it off? Do you know what... (Sighs) I'm afraid to push a button. I don't want to delete anything. Do you guys know? Do you know what... To do? You don't. Okay. Woman: Waiter. Can you take that? I don't want to... Lisa: So, talk to me. Maybe we can work this whole tabloid thing out. Just wait. Um, well, I don't know what there is to work out, because I don't put stories about you and your family in the tabloids. You know? You know I didn't. So... Well, mostly, I was hurt. I mean, you really hurt me. I've always been very kind and supportive to you with all your marriage problems. Let's be honest. Valerie: Okay, well, you know... Oh. I'm... (Lisa laughs) Let's not... You heard me say that I didn't do it, right? Okay, so it's got to be someone. It was either you or Kyle. Was it Kyle? Well, I don't... I don't... you know? Okay. You know, I see what's happening here. Okay? You're trying to... You've got an agenda. I get it. You've got an agenda and you're trying to make me the bad guy. But I'm just not going to let you do it. Okay? (Laughs) Okay, so how are we going to do this if she keeps talking to you? Huh? Well... Producer: Valerie, again... Yeah. Please don't reference the camera or me. This is a waste of time. I'm going to see if... you know. Lisa: Oh for God's sake. Okay, now will you call Camille Grammer? I mean, she would never... (Knocks) sh1t. What's his name? What's his name? Mickey: Um, um, um, um... I forgot. Mickey: Ivan. I-Ivan. Ivan? Is it? I think. I think. I think it's Ivan. Iger? Ivan. Okay. It's Russian. (Knocks) Um... Ivan? Ivan: Yeah? Yeah. So, um, how do I stop that? How do I... to stop it? What? The picture... I want to stop it. (Water flowing) Okay, he's coming out. That's okay. So, you know what? Careful. He's coming out. So, he'll stop it. Valerie on recording: I... you know what? I can't do it. I'm sorry. I don't know. We'll be done, right? Well. Because he's... he'll come out. Oh, this is rough. This was so rough. Well, let's not... if we don't make it more interesting. Valerie on recording: And you know what else? I don't talk about people... I'm going to cut all... It's up to me. Okay? I'm a good person. I'm not going to show it. (Lisa and Valerie arguing) Lisa: Nobody is trying to make you the villain here. Okay? Trying to make me talk about people, and I don't know things. No. I can't say things that I don't know! I can't do it! Oh, for God's sake. Well, I can't, okay? I've done this before. They are trying to make me the villain. Mm-mm. All right? Well, they say they're not. Right. They say they're not. And then... They're not! You don't know what's coming later. All right? Because I've done this before, and this should be a warning to you. All right? I'm not putting myself through this again. Not for this show, anyway. Okay? Because it's real... To be Frank, it's not "Housewives of New York." All right? This isn't going to last. I'm sorry. Oh, really? But it's not. "Housewives of Beverly Hills"? Not one of us even lives in Beverly Hills. Oh yeah, I... I do, I do. Okay. Okay. One person lives in Beverly Hills. Oh, for God's sake. You've got a show. Great. You know what? I can't. I... I... Andy, I'm sorry, but I quit. Oh, thank God for that. Yeah. Yeah, I quit. Wait. Just for the record though, Andy, for the record, I'm not storming off. All right? It's just that I've, you know, done a reality show before. So, I know how it goes. I know how it works. So, thought I was up for it. But I'm not. So, I'm sorry. But goodbye. Good luck, okay? Good luck. Yeah, fine. Okay. If this is what you wanna do, then I'm happy for you. I'm happy for all of you. Okay. Well... Yeah. Okay. Good luck. Lisa: Call Camille. Yeah. Andy doesn't need to see that. (Laughs) No, he doesn't. No. Well, reality TV has had quite the evolution. It's a different reality. (Laughs) And I should know, because I was there at the beginning, with "The Comeback." Back then, it was just me and people eating bugs on "Survivor." "Uh, what's this? This is entertainment?" Well, as it turns out, yes. Yes, it is. I was right. And now, people can't get enough. You've got dancers, and duck hunters, and designers, and... Oh, just the other night I saw a show where it was just real people sitting on a couch watching a show. And I thought, "well, it's official, they've run out of ideas. "So, looks like it's time for me to come back." I'm not just a real person either. I'm an actress. (Melody playing softly) And a wife. And a stepmom. Can you hear that? That's you. Oh. Sorry, Red! Mm-hmm. I thought I had it on vibrate. Mea culpa. That's okay. Oh, I should take this. It's Dr. "hard to get a hold of." Okay, yeah, you do that. We'll continue. Gave them four times to call, and this afternoon wasn't one of them. Jesus criminy. Well, you're going to miss your call. Mm. Well... Okay. Hello? In five... I'm cueing you. Okay? In five, four, three... Mickey: Yes, it is, but I can't talk now. Mickey, we can hear you. Okay. In five, four, three, two... What's... Mickey: I'm working, Doctor. I gave your office four times to call me, and this wasn't one of them. Can you hear that? Because I can. Mickey, we can still hear you. Got it. Okay. (Valerie laughs) Let me guess, doctor. Okay. In five, four, three, two... (Phone chiming) Okay. Phones off, everybody! Okay? Because we can't... oh, that's my phone. All right. We should stop. Oh, okay. That's Billy. Tyler, you go outside and shoot me. Don't get this camera though. Okay, that's good. You got it? Okay. Valerie: Hi, Billy. Publicist. Oh, wait, that sounded like his last name. Let's do it again. Hi, Billy. My publicist. Oh, is this the Andy Cohen pitch? Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've been communicating. (Billy whispers) Oh, good. Yeah. Mickey, say hi to Billy. Hot enough for you? (Valerie laughing) Mm-hmm. You want to come inside, doll? I've got a great lighting set-up. Billy: No. I can't stay. Oh, uh, say hi to Carla. Carla. Hootie-hoo! Valerie: Hi, doll. That sounds familiar. Who is that? Carla from "Top Chef." I represent her now. Oh, you do. Yeah. She's in town for the "Top Chef: Super chef all-star" reunion show. Wow. Oh, you know what? If this goes... Uh-huh. She could cook you dinner. Bravo to bravo? Little cross-promotion? Uh-huh. Yeah. Good night, Mr. Mickey. Good night, Ms. Valerie. Good night, dear. See you tomorrow. Billy: Goodbye. Thank you for all you do. Um, is that why you came all the way out here, though? Just so I could say hi to the chef? No. No, no. Did you see this about Paulie G. and you? What? Look. "HBO is making a series with Paulie G. about a self-destructive sitcom writer..." Oh. Sounds right so far. "...and his relationship with a neurotic older sitcom actress." Well, okay. Wish him... that's fine. You know, wish him well. She has red hair. Still. Wish him well. The character's name is Mallory. Your name is Valerie. Uh-huh. Sounds the same. Might be me. What do you want me to do about it? I'm just trying to give you a heads-up. Okay, my head's up. (Billy sighs) Oh, I've got to go. I've got to run. But, you know, call your agent, try to get a copy of the script. We've got to see what this damage is. Okay, Billy, I appreciate you coming all the way out here. I really do. But I've moved on. Paulie's in the past. He's free to write whatever he wants to write, and I'm free to not react. Okay. You know? Yeah. It's okay. All right. (Sighs) Valerie: Nice to see you, Carla! Looking forward to... she's busy. Okay, come on in. Ethan Biggs, please. Well, you have to have an Ethan Biggs. That's my agent. (Laughs) Oh no, you... my bad. You're right. Uh, he's not there anymore. Okay. Um, what was his assistant's name? Because she'd be my agent now. Sasha. Do you have a Sasha someone? You have three Sashas. Okay, let's try it this way. I'm Valerie Cherish. Who's my agent? Big agencies. Ivan: I can find it. My agent? The script. Oh, better. Okay. How are you going to do that? Everything's online. That's right. Privacy is gone. Yeah. Valerie: Okay. You know what? I've found what I need. So, uh, can you just have my agent call me? Well, whatever his name is. You know what? Why don't we wait five minutes, maybe you'll be my agent? Ah. You're welcome. Mickey: Will you look at this, Red? Huh? Paulie G... Rehab. Click on that. Yeah. Let's... "Twice in rehab for heroin." (Gasps) Oh my. The pot I knew. I had no idea about the horse. (Laughing) Valerie: Guys. Guys, addiction, it's not funny. Okay. So, is that the... Can you get the script then? Oh, is that it? Mickey: "Seeing Red"? How dare he! Valerie: All right, let's just print it out. It's me. This is me. (Sighs) Is this the apartment we decided on for Francesca? Val? Huh? What? Um, what are the HOAS? I mean, it's... Oh. Yeah, that's the... Yeah. Jesus. 1.3? New York. Why couldn't she study fashion in California? Okay. This is me, Mark. It's me. It's a horrible version of me, but it's me. (Sighs) You said you weren't going to let this bother you. Yeah, but now I'm reading it and it's me. Okay? And he's written me as a monster. What did you expect? He's a cocksucker. He is a cocksucker! Mark. We can't say "cocksucker" because I had Tyler put back the ceiling cam. Val. What? You know what? Don't... don't worry. My show. My decision. Okay. Don't use this. God. He must have been on heroin the entire time we were shooting "Room and Bored." Well, no wonder it sucked. Yes, it sucked, and that's why it didn't get picked up. So then, it doesn't get picked up and "The Comeback" doesn't get picked up. So thank you for that, Paulie G. God. And now this? That's not... no. No. Not going to have it. I'm just not. What can we do? Well, how bad is it? Does he... does he use your name? Well, okay. Her name's Mallory, Mallory Church. And my name's Valerie. Valerie Cherish. All right. Well, that is too close. You know what? I'm going to call the lawyers in the morning. Okay. Oh, good. Yeah. Call the lawyers. That's right. Let them handle it. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. Nuh-uh. Because that's not me. You know? Not me. My hero. Marky Mark. Love ball. Mm. Mm, Mark, the camera. We probably don't want to... Oh, all right. I'll take care of it. Hmm? Oh. No. Not this. Oh. (Laughs) Ivan: I like this place. Tyler: Yeah, this place is awesome. Mickey: This is all about "Room and Bored," but he's made you the bad guy. The aforementioned "red" he's talking about is you. You're the bad guy. Yeah, no, I know. Waiting for a call from the lawyers. Let them handle it. Yeah. Welcome to Sam's burgers. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Tyler, what are you... What are you going to... I want the Pork Cutlet Curry. Curry? We're at a drive-thru burger place. One pork cutlet curry. Okay. So they do have that. Ivan: I'll have the Bento Box and fries. Really? "Small world" after all, huh? (Laughs) And a Philly Cheesesteak? You don't want any foie gras with that, or... It's a joke. Mickey: So his character's writing a sitcom hooked on heroin, but you're the problem with his career. Yeah. Is this supposed to be funny? Well, it's a... It's a dramedy. You know, and that's a... That's a comedy without the laughs. Sam's employee: Is the cheesesteak a combo? Um, I guess. I don't know. I... Don't ask me. I get delivered meals. (Phone chiming) They should have to pay me for the title. I call you "Red." He stole that from me. Okay. Oh, look. Okay. Andy Cohen just tweeted, "having lunch at the Chateau." Okay. So... oh, you know, I bet he's here for that "top shelf super chef"... Reunion chef thing. Oh. Sam's employee: $27.46. Okay, yeah, thanks. I think... I think we should maybe go to the Chateau for lunch. Huh, Mickey? Smart. Smart. We're going to... Sir? I can't find... Oh, there he is. Yes? Hi. Yeah, we can't stay. Got to go. Sorry. I already put in the order. Well, tell them to cancel it maybe. You know? Or I don't know. Maybe the car behind us maybe wants a Bento Box and a Philly Cheese Curry. I don't know. But, you know... How about you figure it out? All right? Why am I running Sam's burgers? It doesn't make sense. Harry, get in the car. Sorry. Got to go. Valerie: All right. Oh, got to wait. Be safe. Wait for Harry to get in. (Knocking) Valerie: Why can't he get in? Mickey: Because somebody locked the door. Valerie: Oh, Ivan. That. That's not. Why are you smiling? Like it's funny. This isn't fun time. This is work. You can't do this, you know, on a real show. Mickey, how do I look? Perfection. Okay. Thank you. (Laughs) Oh, watch out. Oh. (Laughs) Hi. (Chuckles) Wow. Table for three, please. Um, do you have a reservation? Uh, no. Just passing through, so. Host: Uh-huh. Um... We are all booked right now. Okay. Well, we'll wait. That's all right. Host: And no cameras allowed. Okay. Oh, I see someone I know. Yeah, I can't have the cameras. Well, I know Andy Cohen so I'm just gonna go say hi. Ma'am... (Gasps) I'm so sorry. I was just trying to stop you. With your fist? I'm so sorry. Call it even. I'm gonna go say hi to Andy. Sorry, we can't have the cameras. Aunt Val, look. (Phone ringing) Okay. Well, boys, you heard the man. Give the cameras to Mickey. Tyler: Yeah, dude, get your phone out. I forgot everything's a camera. Yeah. All right. Valerie: Okay, go ahead. I'm gonna take these boys with me. (Sighs) You owe me. (Chuckles) Man: I rescued him. He's so sweet. I mean, he's a good dog, and I love bringing him to my show. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy, hi. Hey. It's Val. Valerie Cherish. Hey, of course. I know, Val. Hi. Oh, good. Hi. Andy: Sun was in my eye, you look great. Valerie: Oh. Valerie: Oh, well so do you, as always. Thank you. Do you know Ru Paul? Yes I do. You've got that show. Yes. Hi. I'm Valerie Cherish. I... I heard. I loved Valerie's first sitcom, "I'm it." We used to watch it in my dorm room and smoke dope. So fun. Valerie: Oh. (Laughs) Val is legendary. Aw. We tried to work together a few years ago. Valerie: Yes, we did. Yeah. We did. What are you up to now? Um, well, just working on a little something right now. Oh, wow. Yeah. Hey. Are you... I thought you were texting. Are you shooting? Well, it's not for broadcast. Don't worry. Yeah. Just doing a little pilot presentation. A little something. The host wouldn't let us bring in the actual cameras. You know. Actually, punched me in the stomach. Andy: No way. Way! You're kidding. That's hilarious. Valerie: I know! Did you make a scene? Right, yeah. Well, should have. But cameras caught it. So, you know. You'll see. I think this might be right for you. You know, want to show it to you. Great. Yeah. I'm looking forward to seeing it. Oh. Send it to me. Great, okay. I'm gonna let you get back to it. Okay. Before the host comes over and breaks a chair on my head. (Laughing) That's great. Right? Great to see you, Val. Good to see you. Yeah. And, oh... I get it now. Okay? Didn't get it before, that, you know, I was... (Whispers) Took myself too seriously. You know, didn't know I was playing a character, thought it was me. But I get it now. Okay. Okay. Okay? Good. Enjoy your lunch. So nice to meet you. Ru Paul: Thank you. Okay, bye-bye. Come on, boys. Andy: Great. See you, Val. Uh-huh. Thank you. Don't hit people. (Laughs) Okay. Well, I think that went well. Yeah. Well... Should have made more of a scene with the host, though. You know? Andy asked me what I did, and I didn't. You know, I was too nice. That's not TV. You should have flipped the host stand. Very Teresa Giudice. Yeah, "Giu-dice." Gotta find my own thing, though. I can't just do that. What's the matter? Look alive, Red oh, yeah. I see them. I'm off like a prom dress. Okay. (Shouting) Hello, hello, hello. What's happening? (Overlapping shouting) Paparazzo: Hey, Juna! Juna! Juna! Valerie: Can we see who it is? Paparazzo 2: Right this way, over here. Oh, Juna! It's Juna. It's Juna. Mickey, it's Juna. (Shouting continues) Juna! You're on my foot. Juna! Juna! Paparazzo: Juna! Oh. Juna! Valerie: Juna! (Shouting continues) Valerie: Juna! Juna! Move. Juna! Baby girl! Valerie: Juna! Paparazzo 3: Juna! (Shouting ceases) Paparazzo: Over here, Juna! No, she's gone. Okay. Missed her. Paparazzo: Juna! Paparazzo 4: Over here! Val! Oh my God. Ah, there you are! I didn't even see you there. Hi. Hi, baby girl. Oh... Oh... Good to see you. Good to see you too. What is going on? Well, you know... Everything's going. Got too many irons on the fire, so. Well, why am I not surprised. Right? We need to see each other. Tomorrow? I wish. I'm actually going to Bali to shoot a movie. I'm in love with a robot in this one. Yeah, I know. Okay. But I'll be back in like three months. Three months, it's a date. Great. Okay. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Actually, four months. I'm an asshole. I'm going to Madrid to shoot for vogue. Oh, okay. Four months. Okay, great! Oh, I can't wait. Where's Mickey? Oh, Mickey! There he is. Look at that. Hi! Look at you. Yeah. Mickey: Oh my goodness. Oh my. Good to see you. Oh, you look better than ever. Goodness, you look great. All the jewels, I see. (Laughing) All right. Well, listen, I really gotta go. But, I'll see you soon. Valerie: Okay. Bye. Paparazzo: Juna, look this way. Okay. Still on my foot. Paparazzo: Juna! You gotta get off my foot. Valerie: Oh! Okay, that's not nice. Valerie: Look what your guys did. And you've gotta get off my foot. All right? My new best friend. Okay. Well, how about that? Huh? You never know what filming opportunities life will present you with. Baby girl. Mickey: One of the best. Still smells like patchouli and peppermint. Can you help me with this? Valerie: Okay. All right. From my lawyers. See that, Mickey? It's handled. Going to send HBO a cease and desist. Mickey: Good. Yeah. They should cease and desist. And better you stay out of it, Red. That could get messy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Could get messy. (Elevator dings) Well, I'm mad, and this is about to get messy. Valerie: Okay, let me just... so was the timing with the doors opening better that time? Yeah. Yeah? Good. Okay. So, let's go. And you just follow me, okay? Whatever happens, just don't stop filming. I might flip a conference table or two. Woman: Hello, how can I help you? Uh, I'm Valerie Cherish and I need to see someone in charge of "Seeing Red." The sign-in sheet's here. Well, I'm not here for that. Um... (Idle chatter) Oh God, they've already started auditioning, Mickey. Mickey: Oh dear. Valerie: Okay. You know what? This is perfect. This is perf... this is my proof to HBO. I just need to point to them and say, "you did not ask my permission, and you need to stop." Okay. Kathryn Hahn? Is she here? Val? Oh. Sharon. Valerie: Good to see you, darling. It's good to see you too. Okay, you can't do that. Um... Do you have an appointment today? Uh, did I need one? That's me. They're all doing me. Okay. You call her Aunt Patsy, but it's Aunt Sassy and you know it, because you cast me in it. Okay. Um... Let me tell them you're here... Mm-hmm. And we'll see what they can... Yeah. I'll be right back. Okay. Yeah. See what they say. Valerie: Okay. But I'm gonna go in anyway. You know. I'll go in. (Emphatically) I'll go in. Yeah. Okay. Hmm? Are you...? Oh, right now? Okay, yeah. Sharon: Sure. Yeah. Oh, are the cameras okay? Sure, if you're okay with it, okay? Well, I'm... well, they're mine. So I'm okay. Do you want me to come in too? Sure, yeah. I don't care who sees this. You know, because I'm mad. (Woman speaking on screen) What is this? I have Valerie Cherish. Nice to meet you, Valerie. Um, thank you. I wish it was under better circumstances. Paulie, hi. Hi. Paulie: Nice to see you. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah? Hey, you look great. The exact same. Oh. Thank you. You too. Just, I didn't... I didn't know about the... You know, that you were... Glad to see that you're okay now. Thank you. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Mickey. My man! (Woman on television): Do you mind if I just don't do the whole Southern accent thing? It just feels like... Woman 2: Uh, okay. Woman 2: Chelsea Handler, Aunt Patsy. I'll turn that off. We were just watching this when you came. Woman 2: Oh, Aunt Patsy, not now. Note to self: I don't need to see that. Hm. Well, as long as we're ordering, I'd like a side of big dick Perkins... Hold the Perkins. Well... okay. That's not right. You know. I'm not happy with you. Or you, okay? You need to "ceast" and desist. We did reach out to your agent. We never heard back. You reached out for... to get my permission to... No, no. We wanted to see if you were interested in coming in for it. Oh, you w-wanted to see if I... Oh. Oh, and you didn't hear back? Okay, well... You know, they just keep promoting assistants over there. Next time check the assistant's directory maybe. Right. Well, it was my understanding that we don't need your permission for... A character Paulie G. created, called Mallory Church. It's fiction. (Laughs) It sounds like a little miscommunication problem. Yeah, uh-huh. But you read the script, and here you are. It'd be great to hear you read it. Well, I haven't prepared. So... Do you need to prepare? It's pretty close to you. Without actually being you. Uh-huh. Yeah. But we'd love to hear what you'd do with it. Valerie: Okay, sure. Why not? Yeah. Woman: Take a few minutes. We'll wait. Thank you. Yeah. Come with me Valerie, and I'll get you the rest of Aunt Patsy's scenes. Okay. Ooh! Oh! Are you all right, doll? Be careful. Paulie: You know what? Hey, guys, we don't need to hear Valerie read the show within a show stuff. You know what I mean? We know she's great at bad sitcom. Which I wrote. That's my bad. Yeah. Right. I didn't say anything. (Laughing) We just... let's get to the meat of it, you know? Uh-huh. To the drama stuff. All right? Sharon, do we have the monologue? Sharon: Sure, that's a great idea. Okay. Paulie: Yeah? Yeah... Paulie: Obviously we're not asking everyone to read that. Oh, okay. Thank you. Thanks for that. I guess I could... yeah, I could take a few minutes out there, try to memorize it. You don't need to memorize it. No one's expecting that. You know, we just want to see it. Right. Yeah, okay. Well, look, the truth is I didn't... I didn't read the whole script. So, busted. (Producers laugh) So, you know, then it's a cold reading, and I don't do cold reads well. And I could argue otherwise. I've given you stuff cold before. Right? I had you change lines right on the spot. Yeah. Uh-huh. Paulie: You always nailed it. If you'd like to take your time, and prepare, and then come back. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Are we casting tomorrow? Uh, this is the last day scheduled so far. Well... Man: Right, right. I'm in Ireland tomorrow. Oh. Valerie: Right. Well, it's up to you. We all know it's a cold reading. Valerie: Uh-huh. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Okay. And down there? Man: Yeah. Is that where we go? Man: Right there. Okay, off we go then. Valerie: I'm gonna... Oh, Mickey, I'm gonna need my glasses. Valerie: Sorry. Have to see it if I'm gonna read it. (All chuckling) Right? If I could memorize it, you could see it without... Okay. That's fine. Okay. She won't look like this. (Producers laughing) Valerie: Just look it over for one second. Paulie: Whenever you're ready, Val. Take your time. Mm-hmm. Okay. Paulie: Great. Okay. (Clears throat) "You think I'm this dried up, middle-aged woman. Look at the jokes you write, look at this tracksuit you make me wear. All saying the same thing; I'm old, I'm annoying, I'm unfuckable. Valerie: "Well, I'm not the joke, okay? You are, Mitch. And instead of spending all your time trying to make me the joke, why don't you do your job and write me one, huh? A real joke, Mitch. Not you and your boys "off in a room making fun of an old woman's pussy. Yeah, I heard you. I heard what you think of me. I heard it. Well, maybe you and everyone in television "could..." oh, I said it wrong. Just let me go back. Okay. "Well, maybe you and everyone in the television business can't see me as desirable, "but there are plenty of men out there who... but there are plenty of men out there... Who would still want to f*ck an old lady like me. So f*ck you, Mitch. Just f*ck you. And f*ck you." Valerie: Okay. Valerie: Well, that was cold and, um... It was a little too... Just, up there. I'm gonna get my crew and gonna get out of here. Okay. So thank you, very much. Ooh. Need to get my purse, Mickey. Just get it. Okay, everyone coming? Okay. Why, why did I do that? It was so stupid. Do a cold reading? It was so stupid. Ooh. (Gasps) Ivan: You dropped your mic. (Man via headphones): ...Gonna have a problem with this. I can hear them. (Woman via headphones): I don't know what that was, but I've got to have more of it. Is that weird? It's stuck. Leave it. Leave it. Leave it. (Paulie via headphones): We're not casting her though, right? Man 2: That's who you wrote, Paulie. Man 2: She even had the cameras. (Paulie laughing) What's it stuck on? I don't understand. (Gasps) It's broken. Valerie: It's a rental. Now what do I do? Ooh. Oh. I, um... Dropped this, so... and I didn't want to, you know, I wasn't listening. So... Okay, we're good. Got it. Thank you. Sharon: Thank you. Yeah. Bye. Bye, Shannon. Valerie: Sharon! Mickey: I thought you were wonderful, Red. Wasn't. Cold read. Sometimes it's not possible to win. You know, just got... That's supposed to go up though. Why isn't it going up? Okay. Can't get out. Man over PA: (Unintelligible) What? Man over PA: (Unintelligible) I can't understand. Mickey, could you understand? Mickey: No. (Car honks) Tyler: They want you to go. Yeah, well no one wants to get out of here more than I do. So thanks for that, Tyler. Hey, you... someone has to help me. Man over PA: (Unintelligible) Oh, it said you put in the wrong ticket. Oh. Well... I don't... That's right, I had two tickets. But who... who gives you two valet tickets, anyway? f*cking HBO. Man over PA: You put in the wrong... (Unintelligible) I know. I know. I did a stupid thing! Okay. (Horn blaring) Oh, you know what? All right. Shut up, sir! I can't go! All right? No, you! Just turn them off. Off. Cameras off, okay? Man over PA: (Unintelligible) Okay, you don't have to shoot everything. You just keep blabbering and I... You know? 'Cause, listen... turn the cameras off, so you missed the call from my agent. Okay. Never turn the cameras off. Tyler: You told us to. Well, Tyler, not now. Okay? You're gonna harsh my mellow. You know what? Why don't I just do the call again? Right? I can fake it, I'm an actress. Yeah. According to HBO I'm an "amazing" dramatic actress. So, who knew. (Laughs) Mickey: Good for you, Red. We're back on TV. Well, no. "It's not TV. It's..." they don't do that anymore, do they? Okay, in five, four, three... someone say "ring." Mickey: Oh. Ring! Oh. It's my agent. This is Valerie Cherish. No, you know what? Let's do that again. (Door opens) Mark: Val? Ooh. This is better. Okay, you guys. You're gonna get me telling Mark. Valerie: And get his reaction when I'm telling him. Hey guys. Hi. Still working? (Chuckles) Valerie: Yeah. Valerie: Um, got something to tell you. Tell me what? Valerie: Well, Marky Mark, just got a call from my agent, Sean something. HBO and Mr. Paulie G. loved me and offered me a part in "Seeing Red." How do you like that? (Laughs) Mark: Well, how'd that happen? Aren't we suing them? Well, okay. That was a mistake. You know. Lesson learned. Took myself too seriously. You know, it's a part in a show. Well, last night you said it was you. Yeah, and somebody's gonna play me. You know? And not as good. Now it's me playing me. Valerie: Well, I don't think so... No way, Val. I mean, no f*cking way. Valerie: Well... To be continued. ('80s music playing) Mickey, are you coming... [SCENE_BREAK] Harry: When do we get paid? Ivan: I think it's like every week. ♪ When I'm with you baby ♪ ♪ I go out of my head ♪ ♪ And I just can't get enough ♪ ♪ And I just can't get enough ♪ ♪ All the things you do to me ♪ ♪ And everything you said ♪ ♪ I just can't get enough ♪ ♪ I just can't get enough ♪ ♪ We slip and slide as we fall in love ♪ ♪ And I just can't seem to get enough of ♪ ♪ It's getting hotter it's a burning love ♪ ♪ And I just can't seem to get enough of ♪

While shooting footage for a self-produced reality TV pilot she hopes will get picked up by Bravo, Valerie Cherish learns that her nemesis, Paulie G., is creating a series for HBO about a sitcom writer and his relationship with a neurotic older actress - a redhead named Mallory Church. After dropping in on Andy Cohen's lunch, an incensed Valerie crashes the HBO offices to create a "table flipping scene" worthy of a Bravo show, as she tells them to cease and desist.

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Pinkie Pie: Hoof-biting action overload! She was like a sun superstar, flying higher and higher, and then Rainbow Dash swooshed down-SWOOSH! and right before she hit the ground, SHOOM! she pulled up! (imitates motor revving) Twilight: (distracted) Uh-huh. And then she looped around and around like "whoom, whoom, whoom, whoom, whoom, whoom, WHOOM!" (Pinkie Pie crashes into ground) Twilight: (distracted) Uh-huh. (Rainbow Dash whooshing overhead) (Twilight sighs with relief and flips page) Pinkie Pie: Hey, Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash: (groans, under breath) Pinkie Pie? Not again... Rainbow Dash! Not now, Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie: But-but, Rainbow Dash- Rainbow Dash: I'm in the middle of something! Pinkie Pie: But- Rainbow Dash: I said, not now! (crash, grunt) (sliding down cliff) Pinkie Pie: I was gonna tell you to look out for that mountain! (Rainbow Dash grumbles) (theme song begins) My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, ah, (My Little Pony) Twilight: I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony) Until you all shared its magic with me Rainbow Dash: Big adventure Pinkie Pie: Tons of fun Rarity: A beautiful heart Applejack: Faithful and strong Fluttershy: Sharing kindness Twilight: It's an easy feat All: And magic makes it all complete, yeah (My Little Pony) Do you know you're all my very best friends (Pinkie Pie humming tunelessly) Pinkie Pie: (sweetly) Hi! I'm looking for Rainbow Dash, have you seen her? Pinkie Pie: Hi there! Have you seen Rainbow Dash? Okay, thanks anyway. Pinkie Pie: Twilight! Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere? Twilight: ...Isn't she right up there? Pinkie Pie: (singsong) Rainbow DA~SH! (Rainbow Dash grunts frantically) (whoosh) Rainbow Dash: (out of breath) Phew...that was close... Pinkie Pie: Hi! (Rainbow Dash screams, whooshes off) (whoosh) (panting) (whoosh) (whoosh, whoosh, whoosh) (water splashing lightly) Pinkie Pie: (spits) I need a favor, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash: (screams, winds up) ...Aw, forget it. (thud) I tooootally promise it'll be tooootally fun! (sighs, resigned) Okay... Over to the right. Nono, a liiittle to the left. Oh wait, back to the right. Now, a liiiittle left-ish while staying rightly. Stop! Hmm...Maybe a few inches to the south! And now a couple centimeters north! Pinkie Pie: Okay. One more smidgimeter to the- Rainbow Dash: (exasperated) PINKIE PIIIIE! Pinkie Pie: Uh, I mean, perfect! Now, wait for my signal. (Spike humming My Little Pony theme) (thunder, Spike screams) (hiccup) (Spike hiccuping, Pinkie Pie snickering) Pinkie Pie: (laughing) Oh Rainbow Dash, we startled Spike into getting the hiccups! (Rainbow Dash chuckles) Spike: (laughing) Good one, Pinkie (hiccup) Pie! (hiccup) You're always pullin' a fast one (hiccup) on me! (hiccups fire, yelps) Pinkie Pie: (worried) Oh no, you're not hurt, are you? Spike: No- (hiccup) don't be (hiccup) silly, dragons are (hiccup) fireproof. (pop) Oh, okay. Good. (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laugh uproariously) Spike: (hiccups fire) I wish the same thing (hiccup) were true of scrolls... (Princess Celestia gasps, scrolls clatter) (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laugh) (Spike hiccups fire repeatedly) Have you ever SEEN anything more HILARIOUS?! I can think of ONE thing... (thunder, Pinkie Pie shrieks) (laughter punctuated by hiccups) I didn't take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie! Are you (exaggerated hiccup) kidding?! (exaggerated hiccup) I LOVE to pull pranks! It's all (exaggerated hiccup) in good fun, and Pinkie Pie lo- (hiccup) -oooves to have (hiccup) fun! (hiccup) You know, Pinkie Pie, you're not as annoying as I thought! (Pinkie Pie hiccup-snorts) You wanna hang out?! (Pinkie Pie hiccups) That'd be- (hiccup, whoosh) I'd really (hiccup) When do (hiccup, whoosh) I mean (hiccup) Why would you (horn honks) Rainbow Dash: A simple nod will do. Pinkie Pie: (muffled) Mm-hmm. Rainbow Dash: (whispering) Is she even home? Pinkie Pie: (whispering) I don't know, but I think she called. (both snicker) Rainbow Dash: There she is! Rarity: Ooh! (Rarity sniffs, whimpers lightly, sneezes repeatedly) (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laugh) (Pinkie Pie sneezes into distance) (liquid pours, bubbles) Twilight: Huh?! (bubbling intensifies) (explosion) (Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laughing uproariously) (Applejack gasps) Applejack: Land sakes! (Rainbow Dash snickers) (both laugh) (apples impact, splash) (Applejack chuckles) (squeak) (pump squeaks in Pinkie Pie's mouth) Pinkie Pie: (muffled) Ish shomeone over dere? Who we gonna squirt?! Who we gonna squirt?! Rainbow Dash: (snickers) Fluttershy. Pinkie Pie: (muffled) WHAT?! (spits) Nononononono. (insistent) We CAN'T prank Fluttershy, I mean, she's SO sensitive, it'll hurt her feelings, even our most harmless prank! Rainbow Dash: Yeah...you're right. Huh... We need another victim who's made of tougher stuff. So, who's it gonna be? Pinkie Pie: Oh! (giggles) I've got SOMEone in mind! (giggles) The TOUGHEST around! Awesome! Who?! Who?! Do I know them? Pinkie Pie: (giggles) Oh, yes! (giggles) You're VERY close! Rainbow Dash: (chuckles) Good one, Pinkie Pie! (Rainbow Dash chuckles) (both laugh) (toy wobbles) (Pinkie Pie blows party blower repeatedly) Rise and shine, Rainbow Dash! It's a brand new day, and we've got a LOT of pranking to- Ooh... Rainbow Dash: Mornin', Pink! (whoosh) Gilda, this is my gal pal, Pinkie Pie. (metal riff) Gilda: (disinterested) Hey. What's up? Rainbow Dash: Pinkie, this is my griffon friend, Gilda. Pinkie Pie: What's a griffon? (metal bass line playing) Rainbow Dash: She's half-eagle, half-lion- Gilda: And ALL awesome. (metal bass line) (Gilda and Rainbow Dash chuckling) Rainbow Dash: Gilda's my best friend from my days at Junior Speedster flight camp. Hey! Remember the chant?! (derisively) Oh yeah, they made us recite it every morning. I'll never get that lame thing out of my head. Rainbow Dash: Soooooo? Gilda: (groan, monotone) Only for you, Dash. Rainbow Dash: (spirited chanting) Junior Speedsters are our lives Gilda: (bored chanting) Junior Speedsters are our lives Rainbow Dash: (spirited) Sky-bound soars and daring dives Gilda: (bored) Sky-bound soars and daring dives Rainbow Dash: (spirited) Junior Speedsters, it's our quest Gilda: (bored) Junior Speedsters, it's our quest Rainbow Dash: (spirited) To someday be the very best Gilda: (bored) To someday be the very best (Pinkie Pie laughing and slapping hoof on ground) Pinkie Pie: Oh, that was awesome, and it gave me a great idea for a prank! (grunts) Gilda, you game? Huh. Well, I groove on a good prank as much as the next griffon, but Dash, you promised me we'd get a flying session in this morning. Yeah...uh...well, Pinkie Pie, you don't mind, do you? Rainbow Dash: Gilda just got here. We'll catch up with you later! Pinkie Pie: Oh...um...sure, no problem! Have fun, you guys! So I'll...just catch up with you... (sighs dejectedly) later... (party blower blowing sad descending note) (wind blowing) (jets whoosh by) (wind howling, Gilda streaks past) (approaching jet, soft thud) (both laughing) Gilda: Whoa! That was sweet! Just like old times. Rainbow Dash: Yeah, only faster! (brohoof) So, now what? Pinkie Pie: Hey there! Both: Huh? Pinkie Pie: It's later! Pinkie Pie: And I caught up! (Pinkie Pie bouncing on trampoline) (Pinkie Pie bouncing) Rainbow Dash: Pinkie Pie, you are so random! (Pinkie Pie bouncing) Gilda: Hey Dash, think you got enough gas left to beat me to that cloud?! (Pinkie Pie bouncing) Rainbow Dash: A race?! You are so on! Gilda: One, two, three, GO! (whoosh) Pinkie Pie: Hey...! Rainbow Dash: I win! Gilda: As IF. I won, dude! Rainbow Dash: No way! Gilda: Yes way! Rainbow Dash: Oh come on, I was way ahead of you! Gilda: Uh, I don't think so. Rainbow Dash: Oh please, dream on. There is NO way you beat me. Gilda: Remember back in camp? I- Pinkie Pie: Wow, guys, that was really cool! But I think Rainbow Dash beat you by a teeny-weeny, itty-bitty little hair, or a teeny-weeny, itty-bitty feather! Rainbow Dash: Hah, see?! Good thing Pinkie Pie's here to keep you honest, G! Gilda: (irritated) Okay, Dash, last one to that cloud up there is a gnarly dragon egg. GO! (whoosh) (metal bass line) Gilda: (hostile) I think the high altitude is making you dizzy. (popping balloons) Pinkie Pie: Wait! Guys- (whoosh) (whoosh) (bizarre contraption noises) Pinkie Pie: Oh, wow, you guys almost got away from me that time! (bizarre contraption noises) Gilda: So, Dash, got any new moves in your tricktionary, (bizarre contraption noises) or are you % old school? (bizarre contraption noises) Rainbow Dash: New moves?! Hah! Sit back, G, this is gonna take a while. (metal bass line) Gilda: Hey Pinkie, c'mere. Pinkie Pie: Yeah? (metal bass line) Gilda: (threatening) Don't you know how to take GET LOST for an answer?! (metal bass line) (intimidating) Dash doesn't need to hang with a dweeb like YOU while I'M around. (metal bass line) (mocking) You're dorkin' up the skies, Stinky Pie, (metal bass line) (threatening) so make like a bee and BUZZ OFF! (metal bass line) (Pinkie Pie screaming and spinning) (metal bass line) Rainbow Dash: Try matching THAT! ...Hey, where's Pinkie Pie and her crazy contraption? Gilda: Eh, she left. Something about being... (sardonic) ...as busy as a bee. (contraption noises winding down, distorted) (Pinkie Pie "hmphs") Twilight: So, Pinkie Pie, are you sure that this friend of Rainbow Dash is really so mean? Pinkie Pie: Um, YEAH! She keeps stealing Rainbow Dash away, she popped my balloons, and she told me to buzz off! I've never met a griffon this mean! Well, actually, I've never met a griffon at all, but I bet if I had, she wouldn't have been as mean and grumpy as GILDA. Twilight: You know what I think, Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie: Hmm? Twilight: (hesitantly) Well, I think...you're jealous. Pinkie Pie: (incredulous) JEALOUS?! Spike: Green with envy. Well, in your case, pink with envy. Twilight: Well, yes. Jealous. Listen, Pinkie, I don't wanna upset you, but just because Rainbow Dash has another friend doesn't make Gilda a grump. I mean, perhaps it's YOU, Pinkie, who needs to improve her attitude. Pinkie Pie: Improve MY attitude?! But I... (stammering) Gilda's a... (stammering) are you seri- (screams) (door slams, Twilight sighs) Maybe Twilight is right... Maybe Gilda isn't a big meany grumpy mean-meany-pants. Maybe I'm just a big jealous judgmental jealous-jealousy-pants. (sighs dejectedly) (slurping) Gilda: (whoosh, laughs) That was sweet! (Pinkie's hooves clatter on table) Rainbow Dash: Uh, I gotta take care of a few weather jobs around here. Shouldn't take long. Just, uh, hang out in town and I'll come find ya. Gilda: That's cool, I guess. (macho) I'm gonna go chow down! Rainbow Dash: Later! (screams, shouts feebly) A RATTLER! A RATTLER! RUN FOR THE HILLS! EVERYBODY FORSAKE YOURSELVES! (slow, discordant banjo strumming) This stuff ain't fresh, dude. (discordant banjo strumming) Pinkie Pie: Aw, poor Granny Smith! She didn't know it was a joke! How mean! ...No, no, I can't misjudge her. (unsure) It was kind of a funny prank...I guess... (chomps) (gasps) I DID misjudge her! She's not only a meany mean-pants, she's also a thief! ...Nononono...she might give it back! It's just a joke! Fluttershy: All right, little ones, this way, this way. Mama duck is free and clear. Gilda: HEY. Fluttershy: Please excuse me. Gilda: (forcefully) I'm WALKIN' here. Fluttershy: (meekly) Oh, um, I'm sorry... Fluttershy: I-I was just trying to- Gilda: (mocking in a whiny voice) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! (nastily) Why don't you just watch where you're GOING, DOOFUS?! Fluttershy: (stammering) B-b-b-but I... (inhales, roars like a lion) (Fluttershy sobs) (derisively) Ugh, please. All these lame ponies are driving me buggy. I gotta bail. (whoosh) She's a grump AND a thief AND a bully! The meanest kind of mean meany-pants there is! I can take it, but NO ONE treats Fluttershy like that! NO. ONE. This calls for EXTREME measures! Pinkie Pie style! (perky) Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! Applejack: Who's this "Gilda" I've heard nothin' about? Rarity: I hear she's an old friend of Rainbow Dash. A griffon! So rare. Twilight: You've met Gilda, right? What's she like? Fluttershy: Oh! Um, well...I'll tell you later, Twilight. Pinkie Pie: Welcome! Welcome! Fluttershy: Um, Pinkie Pie, about this party for Gilda, Um, do you really think it's a good idea? I mean- Pinkie Pie: Don't worry your pretty little head about mean old Gilda! Your Auntie Pinkie Pie has got it aaall taken care of! Fluttershy: I'm a year older than you. Pinkie Pie: GILDA! I'm so honored to throw you one of my signature Pinkie Pie Parties! And I really, truly, sincerely hope you feel welcome here amongst all us ponyfolk! (joy buzzer shocks Gilda) (Gilda crashes to ground) [SCENE_BREAK] (ponies laughing) (Pinkie Pie giggling) Rainbow Dash: Oh, Pinkie Pie. The ol' hoof-shake buzzer! You are a SCREAM! Gilda: (chuckles nervously) Yeah, uh, good one, Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash: C'mon G, I'll introduce you to some of my other friends. Gilda: Right behind you, Dash! (menacingly, under breath) I know what you're up to. Pinkie Pie: (unfazed) Great! Gilda: Grrr...I know what you're planning! Pinkie Pie: (giggles, snorts) Well, I HOPE so! This wasn't supposed to be a SURPRISE party! Gilda: I mean, I've got my eye on you. Pinkie Pie: And I'VE got my eye on YOU! Everyone, I'd like you all to meet Gilda, a long-time dear friend of Rainbow Dash. Let's honor her and welcome her to Ponyville! (ponies cheer) Pinkie Pie: Please help yourself! Gilda: Vanilla lemon drops! Don't mind if I do. (gulps) Gilda: (breathes fire, pants) HOOOOT! Rainbow Dash: G, the punch! (siren blaring) (Gilda gasping, gulping) Huh?! Pinkie Pie: Well, whaddya know?! Pepper in the vanilla lemon drops, and the punch served in a dribble glass! Rainbow Dash: Ha! Priceless, priceless! (laughing) (Gilda gulps water, pants) (sarcastic) Yeah. Hilarious. Rainbow Dash: Hey G, look! Presents! (pop, ponies laugh) Applejack: Spittin' snakes! Heh, somepony pulled that prank on me last month! (sardonic) Ha ha. I bet I know who THAT was. Pinkie Pie: (quizzically) You do? (ponies chatter) Pinkie Pie: Cake time, everypony! Spike: Hey! Can I blow out the candles? Twilight: Why don't we let Gilda blow out the candles, Spike? She IS the guest of honor, after all. (Spike yelps, crashes into wall) Gilda: EXACTLY. (inhales sharply, blows) (ponies laughing) (Gilda blows repeatedly) Spike: Relighting birthday candles! I LOVE that prank! What a classic! Pinkie Pie: Now, I wonder who could've done that? (metal bass line) Gilda: (sardonic) Yeah. I wonder. Spike: (splats into cake) Mm! Who cares, this cake is AMAZING! Twilight: Spike! Spike: (mouth full) What? It'sh great! Try shome! Rainbow Dash: Hey G, you're not upset about some silly candles, are you? Gilda: (false bravado) No way, Dash! Like I said, I'm down with a good prank. Rainbow Dash: Come on, then! Let's have some cake. (Pinkie Pie chomps, whimpers in confusion) (metal bass line) Gilda: (threateningly) Hey. I'm watching you. Like a hawk. Pinkie Pie: (sweetly) Why? Can't you watch me like a griffon? Applejack: Hey y'all! It's Pin the Tail on the Pony! Let's play! Rarity: Oh, my FAVORITE game! Can I go first?! Can I have the purple tail? Gilda: (self-importantly) Well, I'M the guest of honor! And I'LL have the purple tail! Pinkie Pie: Yeah! Gilda should definitely go first! Let's get you blindfolded. Gilda: Hey-what-what're you doing?! Augh! (Gilda spinning) Pinkie Pie: We're gonna spin you around and around, and then you pin the tail on the pony! Pinkie Pie: Now, just walk straight ahead and pin the tail! Gilda: (mocking) Now, just walk straight ahead and pin the tail! (sarcastic) Yeah, right. This is another prank, isn't it? Gilda: I'M goin' this way. Pinkie Pie: W-Wait...the poster is this w- (Gilda screaming repeatedly, crashes) Pinkie Pie: Uh, Gilda? You pinned the tail on the wrong end! (ponies laugh) (lion roar) Gilda: (maliciously) THIS is your idea of a good time?! I've NEVER met a lamer bunch of dweebs in all my life! And Pinkie Pie... YOU are Queen Lame-o with your weak little party pranks, Do you REALLY think you can make me lose my cool?! Well, Dash and I have ten TIMES as much cool as the REST of you put together! Come on, Dash, we're bailing on this PATHETIC scene. ...Come ON, Rainbow Dash! I SAID, WE'RE LEAVING! Rainbow Dash: ...Y'know, Gilda? I was the one who set up all those "weak" pranks at this party. Gilda: (shocked) ...W-what?! Pinkie Pie: Ooh. Rainbow Dash: So I guess I'M Queen Lame-o. Gilda: (nervously) Come on, Dash! You're joshin' me! Rainbow Dash: They weren't all meant for you specifically. It was just dumb luck that you set them all off! Pinkie Pie: I shoulda known! That dribble cup had "Rainbow Dash" written all over it! Gilda: (indignant) No. Way. It was Pinkie Pie! She set up this party to trip me up, to make a fool of me! Pinkie Pie: Me?! I threw this party to improve your attitude! I thought a good party might turn that frown upside-down! Rainbow Dash: And you sure didn't need any help making a fool of yourself! You know, this is not how I thought my OLD friends would treat my NEW friends! If being cool is all you care about, maybe you should go find some new COOL friend someplace else. (Gilda growls) Gilda: (stumbling over words) Yeah?! Well...you....you... YOU are such a...a FLIP-FLOP! Cool one minute and lame the next. When YOU decide not to be lame anymore, gimme a call. (door slams) Rainbow Dash: Not. Cool. Spike: Wow. Talk about a party pooper. (ponies chatter about Gilda) Rainbow Dash: I'm sorry, everypony, for bringing Gilda here. I didn't know how rude she was. And Pinkie Pie, I'm really sorry she ruined that awesome party you put on for her. Pinkie Pie: Hey, if you wanna hang out with party poopers, that's your business. Rainbow Dash: I'd rather hang out with you. Rainbow Dash: No hard feelings? Pinkie Pie: No hard feelings. (joy buzzers shock both) (ponies laugh) Twilight: Hey, Pinkie. Sorry I accused you of misjudging Gilda. Looks like I'm the one who misjudged you. Pinkie Pie: It's okay, Twilight! Even you can't be a super smart smarty smart-pants all the time! Come on everypony, there's still a whole lotta party to finish! (ponies cheer) Twilight: (voice-over) "Dearest Princess Celestia, Today I learned that it's hard to accept when somepony you like wants to spend time with somepony who's not so nice. Though it's impossible to control who your friends hang out with, it is possible to control your own behavior. Just continue to be a good friend. In the end, the difference between a false friend and one who's true will surely come to light. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle." Princess Celestia: (voice-over) "Dear Twilight Sparkle, my most faithful student..." (aloud) Oh! (giggles) Wrong ink! (sighs, laughs) (ending theme begins) My Little Pony My Little Pony (instrumental) My Little Pony, friends

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash discover they share a common interest in playing harmless practical jokes on other ponies. Later, Rainbow Dash's childhood friend Gilda, a griffin , arrives and Pinkie finds herself left out of Rainbow Dash and Gilda's activities. When Pinkie sees Gilda acting rudely towards the other ponies around town, she becomes determined to cheer her up with a party. At the party, Gilda becomes the victim of several practical jokes, to which she blames Pinkie for them. However, Rainbow Dash admits to setting up the pranks. Gilda becomes frustrated and flies off, leaving Rainbow Dash to reaffirm her friendship with Pinkie.

fd_Rick_and_Morty_01x04

fd_Rick_and_Morty_01x04_0

Rick: T-t-t-this is just Sloppy craftsmanship. Morty: Hey, Rick. Boy, sure is really especially Beautiful out there today, huh? Rick: Oh, yes, Morty. I-it's almost unbelievable, Isn't it? Morty: Yeah, you know? There's something about the air And just the way the sunshine Is. Rick: Uh, sure, buddy. Yeah. Sure. B-brilliant. Very convincing. Rick: Wha convincing? Morty: Oh. Responsive, too. In real time. I love it. Morty: Uhh...okay. Beth: [ robotic ] i'm going To work. Morty, good morning. Dad, good morning. I am going to work. Goodbye. Morty: What's with mom? Rick: Oh, what's with mom? So, you're saying that she's Acting weird? How soph[burps]isticated. Careful, guys. You're gonna burn out the cpu With this one. Morty: Okay, you know what, Rick? You'reacting weird, too. Rick: Whatever, Quote-unquote "Morty." Morty: All right, well... I'll see you after school. Ow! Oof! Ugh! Damn it! I'm all right. I'm okay. Rick: [ slurps ] All right, who can tell me What 5 x 9 is? [ students whispering ] Morty? Morty: Uh, me? What is 5 x 9? Morty: Umm...you know, it's Uhh...at least 40. [ students gasp ] Morty, that's exactly Correct! 5 x 9 isat least 40! Come up here. Whoo! Way to go, Morty! Everybody, this is the best Student. I want youto be the teacher Today. Teach us, Morty! Rick: Interesting. Morty: W-w-w-what do you want Me to teach you? Ooh, ooh! How do you make concentrated Dark matter? Oh, that's a good question. Morty: Concentrated huh? Concentrated dark matter The fuel for accelerated space Travel. Now, do you know how to make it? Morty: Umm... Come on, Morty. Isn't your grandpa, like, a Scientist? Morty: Oh, yeah, but, you Know, he told me that I Shouldn't go around spouting off About, you know, his science and Stuff. I bet you've seen him make Concentrated dark matter a lot. You know, if you tell us, i'll Be your girlfriend. Morty: Uh, y-you will? Seems like a rare Opportunity, Morty. [ blam! ] Rick: Morty, u-uh, come on. There's a family emergency. Stop right there! If he leaves, i'm giving him an "f." Rick: He doesn't care. Morty: Aw, man! Rick, I have to go back! I think I was about to get Married! Ugh! Rick: Take a shower with me, Morty. Morty: What?! Rick: Listen to me, Morty. Get your clothes off and get in The shower right now. Y-y-y-you got to trust me, Morty. Morty: Ugh! I'm gonna get an "f" in class, Rick. Rick: Morty, that's not Class. T-t-t-that wasn't your teacher. This isn't your school. This entire world is not the World. We're inside a huge simulation Chamber on an alien spaceship. Morty: Wait a minute. W-what are you talking about? Rick: It's all fake [burps] Morty all of it. Nanobotic renderings, a bunch of Crazy fake nonsense, Morty. I couldn't say so until we got In the shower. They won't monitor us in here. Morty: Monitor us?! W-who?! Rick: Zigerion scammers, Morty the galaxy's most Ambitious, least successful con Artists. You know, it's lucky for us They're also really Uncomfortable with nudity. Morty: Aw, come on, Rick. If everyone's just gonna be Insane today, at least let me be Insane with jessica. Rick: I can't [burps] let you Do that, Morty. Morty: Give it to me! Rick: No! [ burps ] You give it to me! Morty: G-g-give it! No, Rick! [ aliens groaning ] Oh, god, sir! They're still naked! Ugh. Well, check every five quintons And tell me when they're not. I think we should make kevin Look, sir. What?! No! W-w-why would you even say that? Uh, sir, we have a situation Over here. If there's a wiener on that Monitor, I swear to god, stu... Something is drawing a lot of Processing power. Oh, wait. No wonder. There's another real human in The simulator. Jerry: Okay, Jerry big Pitch meeting. Make-or-break time. [ whirrin] You can do this. How did this happen?! Where's the abductions Department? Hey, man, abductions just Follows the acquisition order. Don't put this on Acquisitions! We only acquire humans that Haven'tbeen simulated! Well, simulations doesn't Simulate anybody that's been Abducted, so [chuckles] Oh, I see! Oh, oh! It was no one's fault. Oh, okay. [ chuckles ] I'm sorry. Well, then, problem solved. Oh, wait no. There's still another human in Here! Who is he? Rick's son-in-law, Jerry smith. So far, he hasn't noticed he's In a simulation. [ sighs ] Well, cap his sector at 5% Processing, keep his settings on Auto, and we'll deal with him Later. Rick sanchez is the target. Jerry: [ inhales deeply ] Got to relax. It's just a pitch. Got to relax. [ click ] [ static ] This is earth radio. And now, here's...human music. [ repetitive rhythmic beepin] Jerry: Hmm. Human music. I like it. [ beeping continue] [ Rick and Morty panting ] Morty: Rick! Rick: Uhp, uhp, uhp! Morty, keep your hands off your Ding-dong! It's the only way we can speak Freely. Look around you, Morty. Do you really think this [burps] World is real? You'd have to be an idiot not to Notice all the sloppy details. Look that guy's putting a bun Between two hot dogs. Morty: I don't know, Rick. I mean, i've seen people do that Before. Rick: Well, look at that old Lady. She's she's walking a cat on A leash. Morty: Uh, mrs. Spencer does That all the time, Rick. Rick: Look, i-i-i don't want To hear about mrs. Spencer, Morty! She's an idiot! All right, all right, there. W-what about that, Morty? Morty: Okay, okay, you got me On that one. Rick: Oh, really,Morty? Are you sure you haven't seen That somewhere in real life Before? Morty: No, no. I haven't seen that. I mean, why would a pop tart Want to live inside a toaster, Rick? I mean, that would be, like, the Scariest place for them to live. You know what I mean? Rick: You're missing the Point, Morty. Why would he drive a smaller Toaster with wheels? I mean, does your car look like A smaller version of your house? No. Morty: So, why are they doing This? W-what do they want? Rick: Well, that would be Obvious to you, Morty, if you'd Been paying attention. [ siren wails ] [ tires screech ] We got the president of the United states in here! We need 10cc of concentrated Dark matter, stat, or he'll die! Morty: Concentrated dark Matter? They were asking about that in Class. Rick: Yeah, it's a special Fuel I invented to travel Through space faster than Anybody else. These zigerions are always Trying to scam me out of my Secrets, but they made a big Mistake this time, Morty. They dragged youinto this. Now they're gonna pay! Morty: What do you W-w-what are we gonna do? Rick: We'll scam the Scammers, Morty. And we're gonna take them for Everything they've got. Jerry: National apple farmers Of america, welcome to our ad Agency. I'm Jerry smith. All right. I'll just...get to the pitch. Um, simple question, gentlemen, [ hoarsely ] what are apples? [ clears throat ] excuse me. Ahh. [ coughs, clears throat ] What are apples? Apples are food. And...when do we need food? When we're hungry. With that, I give you your new Slogan! [ sighs ] Well, say something! Do you like it? Yes. Jerry: You do? All: Yes. Jerry: So...i sold it? [ laughs ] I sold the idea? All: Yes. Jerry: Oh, my god! Thank you! Together: Thank you. You're welcome. [ "baker street" plays ] Jerry: Hey! I just sold my first pitch! [ dialing ] Slow down! Lookin' good. My man! [ beeping, telephone ringing ] Robot Beth: Hello. Jerry: Guess who just sold The apples campaign. Robot Beth: Who just sold the Apples campaign? Jerry: Me! I guess it wasn't a rip-off of "got milk?" after all. Guess someonewas wrong. Robot Beth: Yes. Jerry: Well, all is forgiven, Because right now, i've got an Erection the size of an East coast lighthouse, and i'm Coming home to share it with my Beautiful wife. Robot Beth: Okay. Jerry: Wait really? Robot Beth: Yes. Jerry: Yes! See you in 10 minutes! [ cellphone beeps ] Hey! I'm going to make love to my Wife! Lookin' good. Slow down! My man! [ beeping ] Morty: Aw, geez, Rick. I-i don't know if I like this Plan, you know? I mean, crowds, t-t-t-they have A tendency to make me really Nervous. Rick: Morty, relax. It's just a bunch of 1s and 0s Out there. You're gonna be fine. Just follow my lead. Yo, deejay, drop that beat. [ hip-hop beat plays ] [ cheers and applause ] Uh-oh, Morty. This crowd looks too small for One of ourfamous rap concerts. I don't think we can perform our New song, "the recipe for Concentrated dark matter," for a Crowd this tiny. Morty: You got that right, Rick. [ cheers and applause ] Rick: Now that's [burps] More like it! Morty, here we go. Let me hear everybody say "hey-oh!" yeah! [ crowd cheering ] All the ladies say, "yeah!" [ ladies cheering ] Everybody over 30, do this with Your hands! Everybody with a red shirt, jump Up and down! [ beeping ] [ tires screech ] Jerry: Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, don't move. Mm, mm, mm, mm! Mm! [ cheers and applause ] Rick: Yo, everyone whose First name begins with an "l" Who isn't hispanic, walk in a Circle the same number of times As the square root of your age Times 10! [ beeping ] Run, Morty! Before the system reboots! [ squeaking ] Jerry: Yeah! You like that? Now who's unremarkable? You hungry for apples? [ squeaking intensifies ] Are you hungry...for...apples?! [ squeaking stops ] [ sighs deeply ] [ chuckles ] Oh, my god. That's the best s*x i've ever Had in my life. It's...it's...too good. I don't deserve this, Beth. I'm a fraud. [SCENE_BREAK] Morty: Oh, man, Rick! W-w-w-where we running to? Rick: Out of the simulation, Morty. Normally, the chamber operates Like a treadmill, with the Virtual world disappearing Behind us and being rendered in Front of us as we move through It, but while it's frozen, Morty, we can get to... The edge. Here we go. Morty: Holy crap! Rick: Come on, Morty. Morty: [ grunts ] Sir, they're over the edge. Yes, they are. Just...as...planned. [ evil laughter ] Oh, this is going to be such a Mind [bleep] Rick: Keep your eyes peeled For the central processing room, Morty. That's how we're gonna scam These idiots. Morty: So, hey, why do these Aliens keep coming after you, Rick, if you're so much smarter Than them? Rick: It's an obsession for Them at this point. The zi[burps]gerions have been Trying to outsmart me for years, Morty. Every time they do, i'm one step Ahead of them. Aha! Here we go. Grab as many processors as you Can carry, Morty. These guys aren't good at much, But they're reallygood at Making these chips. Morty: I've got so many, I Can barely hold them all. [ chuckles ] Look at look at this. Oops. I dropped one. Rick: Don't worry about it, Morty. There's plenty of them, you Little goofball. [ both laugh ] Come here, Morty! Oh, I gotcha! Morty: Come on, quit it, Rick! Quit it! [ laughs ] Rick: Nothing wrong with just A little bit of horseplay every Now and then, little fella. [ glass shatters ] Morty: Wow. What do you know? Huh. That was easy. Rick: Totes malotes, dawg. Morty: Just kind of hard to Believe, you know? Rick: Believe it, Morty. And once again, i'm flying away With everything I can carry, and The zigerions got nothing of Mine. Jerry: [ sighs ] Mr. Marklevitz, do you have a... Minute to talk? [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Look, i'm a fraud. I mean, let's face it "hungry for apples" is just a Rip-off of "got milk?" It's almost identical. [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: [ sighs ] okay. I deserve that. Umm...i guess...i'll just pack Up my desk. [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: [ crying ] [ sobbing ] oh, my god. Wait. You know what?! No! The milk people don't have a Patent on simple rhetorical Questions! There's not even a single word In "hungry for apples" that's Shared by "got milk?" It's a completely different Slogan. It's different! And I shouldn't be fired. I should be promoted! [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Yeah! Wait. Really? [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Yes! I mean, i'm it may be Derivative, but it's the most Successful campaign to come out Of thagency in a long time. [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: I-i'm not saying it Should win an award for Commercials, but it could Certainly be nominatedfor an Award for commercials Specifically about apples, Like...an appley or something. [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Is there really an Award called the appley for Apple-related ad campaigns? [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Could we nominate me? [ snaps fingers ] yes. Jerry: Holy crap! [ beeping ] Rick: Get in, Morty. I'm gonna [burps] be able to use These processors to make some Real important science stuff. [ keypad beeping ] Huh. I thought I entered the code Right. [ keypad beeping ] Wha well, what's this? W-what could this possibly be? Because it looks like you're Inside a simulation... Inside a simulation. You're still on the ship. Game-day bucket go boom. Sir, the, uh, doctor's Appointment to examine the Discoloration on your butthole Flaps was Too loud, cynthia. Too loud and too specific. Rick: Uhh... [ chuckles ] We've known how to make Concentrated dark matter for a Long time. But now we alsoknow the code to Your fabled safe, Rick sanchez! All your most valuable secrets Will now be ours! Rick: Uh, yeah, until I get Home before you and change the Combination, you bunch of Idiots! That is why you're never Getting home. Get them! Rick: [ grunts ] [ aliens shouting, groaning ] Run, Morty! [ both panting ] Morty: Oh, my god! [ beep, click ] [ mechanical breathing ] Ow! [ click, whoosh ] [ aliens screaming ] [ both panting ] Jerry: I got to tell you, This morning, I didn't even know This award existed. Now i'm holdingone. And...um... Look, I want to say that today Was the best day of my life... But...the truth is, it's it's More meaningful than that. My man! Jerry: Yes. Thank you, sir. [ sighs deeply ] I...am...finally complete! [ beeping ] My my my my man! Jerry: Aah! What the hell?! [ beeping ] No. Rick: Jerry?! Morty: Dad! Rick: What are you doing Here? W-why are you dressed like a Waiter? Screw it. We don't have time. Come on. Jerry: [ sobbing ] no! [ alarm blaring ] Rick: Ohhhhh! [ beeping ] Jerry: Aah! All: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oof! Rick: Man up, Jerry! I may need you to work the Lasers. [ beeping ] [ slurps ] [ gasps ] [ alarm blaring ] Morty: Oh, man! They're hot on our tail, Rick! Rick: I guess they really do Have concentrated dark matter. Morty: Well, you know how to Make it, too, right, Rick? Rick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, check the engine room. We just need cesium, plutonic Quarks, and bottled water. Morty: It's all here, Rick! Rick: Wow, Morty. Lucky break. Grab that bucket. Okay, two parts plutonic quarks, One part cesium. Morty: Okay. Uh-huh. [ fizzing ] All right. Rick: Now empty the water Bottle into the bucket and pour It all into the fuel tank so we Can get the hell out of here! What are you doing, Morty?! There's no time! [ beeping ] Morty: [ stammering ] Rick: Oh, no. Jerry: What the Rick: no! [ laughter ] Oh, my god, Rick. How dumb are you? You're inside a simulation... Of a simulation... Inside another giant simulation! [ laughs ] W-we never had the recipe for Concentrated dark matter. But we do now! We do now, sucka! Rick: You simulated my Grandson's genitalia?! Y-y-you bunch of diabolical sons Of bitches! Kevin fought real hard to Supervise that project. You said you weren't gonna Tell anyone! I'm never gonna live this down, Am i? Rick: All right. Okay. All right, great. Wonderful. You win. Can we go home now? I don't know. Canyou? Ha! Nice. Okay, okay. Show this gullible turd to his Shuttle. I'm done with him. Oh, wait. Let me get a picture. [ shutter clicks ] Aww. Look at his face. He's trying to figure out if He's in a simulation still. Are you, Rick? Are you? [ laughs ] You're not. Or ayou? Oh, a-and, by the way, I don't Have discolored butthole flaps. That was part of the simulation. Oh. Uh, sir, should I cancel that Appointment, then? Yeah! Of course you should! [ chuckles ] No, keep it. Move it up, actually, if you Can. Rick: Hey, Jerry, don't worry About it. So what if the most meaningful Day of your life was a Simulation operating at minimum Cap[burps]acity? Jerry: You know what, Rick? Those guys took youfor a ride, Too. You should try having a little Respect for the dummies of the Universe, now that you're one of Us. Rick: Maybe you're right, Jerry. Maybe you're right. [ aliens cheering ] [ dance music plays ] All right, everybody. Two parts plutonic quarks... One part cesium... [ fizzing ] A-and listen, i'm sorry for Éling earlier. I-i couldn't ask for a better Staff. I love you guys, and I love all Your families. And the final ingredient... Jerry: Whoa! What the hell?! W-what happened back there? Rick: Why don't you ask the Smartest people in the universe, Jerry? Oh, yeah. [ burps ] you can't. They blew up. [ sighs ] [ beep ] [ "baker street" play] [ vocalizing ] [ vocalizing out of sync ] [ "baker street" continues ] Jerry: So... What do you think? You're fired. Jerry: Wha But t-this idea was tested in a State-of-the-art simulation. Well, then, it was a terrible Simulation. Get out. [ door opens, closes ] Man, how does a guy like that go Home and have s*x with his wife? Rick: Hey, Morty. Morty: What? Rick: Hey, little buddy. H-h-how you doing in here right Now? Morty: Aw, geez, Rick. What are you doing, man? Rick: Y-y-you're a good kid, Morty. Y-you're a real l-little C-character, Morty. Morty: Oh, boy. Rick: You know, I had a Really rocky road today, M-Morty. You're my little friend, aren't You? [ sighs ] We had some good times together, Huh, m-Morty? We You're a real true hero out in The fld. You're a li You're a real trouper, huh, M-m-Morty? Morty: Have you been Drinking, Rick? Rick: I really appreciate You, Morty. Morty: O-okay, cool. A-all right, Rick. Rick: You little son of a Bitch! Y-y are you a simulation?! Huh?! Are you a simulation?! Morty: No! No! No! Rick: You little son of a Bitch! Morty: [ gasping ] Rick: I-i-i'm sorry, Morty. Y-you're a good You're a good kid, Morty. Morty: Geez! Rick: Y-you're a good You're a good kid. Morty: Oh, my god! Rick: [ snoring ] Morty: W-w-what the hell? What a life.

Aliens hold Rick and Jerry captive in a virtual reality, in an attempt to steal Rick's recipe for Concentrated Dark Matter. As Rick attempts escape, he discovers that there are multiple virtual reality layers on top of each other. Jerry, on the other hand, despite numerous system glitches, remains completely oblivious, and keeps trying to sell his advertising slogan for apples. Rick finally games the aliens by giving them a fake recipe. The aliens send Rick and Jerry on their way, and their ship explodes as they prepare the concoction. Post-credits scene: Jerry is fired on the spot after debuting his new advertising slogan for apples in the real world. At night, a drunk Rick enters Morty's room, starts showing appreciation for him, but quickly turns on him with a knife and demands to know if Morty is a simulation. Rick then apologizes before passing out.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_06x09

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_06x09_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Elena: I get that we had an amazing life together, but now I feel like I'm looking at a stranger. Kai: To get home, we'll harness the power of the eclipse, using an Ascendant. Elena: What about Bonnie? Damon: She sacrificed herself so I could come back. Stefan: Jo is his sister? Jo: In our coven, Kai wanted to be the leader, but that wasn't if Lukas and Olivia were alive. Tyler: I'm not gonna let you die. Joshua: If Kai gets out, he'll head straight for Jo. His ability to siphon magic will overwhelm Jo, and our coven will be left to the whims of a madman. Kai: To do the spell, all I need is Bennett blood. Bonnie: The b*st*rd took the car. Jo: The Ascendant's with me. Alaric: We're not letting her brother out, all right? Alaric: The Ascendant is off the table. Damon: Ok. Get the Ascendant from Jo. Alaric: I understand. Elena: Look. I'm at a crossroads. Any chance you'd be willing to help me bring my best friend Bonnie back? Damon: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [ ALARIC'S PLACE ] ( Alaric is setting up dinner when Jo gets home ) Jo: Knock knock. Alaric: Hey. Come on in. ( Jo takes in all the lit candles ) Jo: Oh. It's one of those nights. Alaric: Oh, wow. Your enthusiasm is amazing. Jo: I'm sorry. I've had a day from hell, and I didn't mean it. I did actually, but I'm gonna call take backs, ok? Alaric: Ok. ( They kiss ) Jo: Ooh, you got Thai food. Alaric: You know, I knew I should have led with the food. Jo: Well, this is perfect. I'm starving. ( Alaric holds up a bottle of wine and Jo takes it ) Jo: Aww. Where's yours? Alaric: Oh. Very funny. ( They kiss again. In Ric's office the next morning, Damon and Stefan talk about Alaric ) Stefan: You didn't compel him to get her drunk. Damon: No. I compelled him to do whatever it takes, and considering the Ascendant is the key to her psycho brother's weird prison world, I'm sure it's gonna take her a few to open up about it. ( Back at Alaric's the night before ) Alaric: I swear your dad loves me. Ha ha ha! I have never been given so clear a blessing. Jo: You went to see him, and he tried to kill me. How's that a blessing? Alaric: Because he didn't try to kill me. He just banished me from your creepy childhood home. Jo: It wasn't creepy back then. Once your brother brutally murders your siblings, creep sets in. Alaric: Oh. So you just... you just ran. Jo: I didn't run. They let me go. We made a deal. Betray your brother and get your freedom. Alaric: So where does the Ascendant fall under this deal? Jo: They didn't know I had it. Alaric: By the time I found out, I was gone. Alaric: I still don't understand why you'd want it. Jo: It makes me feel safe, like I'm in control. As long as I have it, then no one can use it to get Kai out. Kai can't get me. Embarrassing, but I actually used sleep with it under my pillow. Alaric: Used to? Jo: Yes, used to. I am a grownup now obviously, and I keep it in my underwear drawer, next to my pot. Alaric: Oh, ok. Well, that explains why you're always hungry. Jo: No. I'm always hungry because I'm a vegetarian. Alaric: Ok. ( Alaric laughs and pours the rest of the wine in Jo's glass ) Alaric: Well... The last of it. ( Jo takes a sip ) Jo: Good. No more distractions. ( Jo kisses Alaric. Back at Alaric's office, Damon pours some booze from a flask into a coffee mug ) Stefan: You realize he is gonna kill you when he finds out what you did to him. Damon: My relationship to ruin, thank you. I didn't complain when you ruined yours with Caroline. Stefan: I didn't ruin my... Damon: Yeah. I'm sure she's fine. She's on vacation with her mom, eating ice cream out of the carton, convincing herself she never liked you in the first place. ( Stefan takes the mug from Damon ) Stefan: You done? Damon: Careful, Stefan. I know it may seem easy to be the big bad Salvatore, but soon, you'll find yourself lying in the middle of the road, pouring your heart out to a stranger, having an existential crisis. Stefan: Yeah, great. So, uh, when's this grand theft gonna happen? Damon: Assuming everything went well, it's already happened, which means... ( Damon waits expectantly, and the door opens. Alaric enters and hands Damon the Ascendant ) Alaric: Here it is. Damon: Thanks, buddy. ( Damon hands Alaric a tray with coffee and a bag presumably containing breakfast food ) Damon: There you go. ( compelling ) Go home to Jo, be a good boyfriend, forget this ever happened. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪The Vampire Diaries 6x09 ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE CAMPUS ] ( Jeremy and Elena jog together ) Jeremy: Seriously, I shouldn't be winning. Elena: Two weeks without booze doesn't make you iron man. I can still vamp circles around you. Jeremy: You mean, you can cheat. Elena: Ha! Or I could pants you in front of the entire women's volleyball team. Jeremy: Doubt they'd mind. ( Elena runs ahead and stops, turning to face Jeremy ) Elena: Ok. I give up. What did you do with my miserable half-drunk brother? Jeremy: He canceled Bonnie's cell phone, cried until there was nothing left, and got all the grief out of his system. He is ready to move on. ( Elena has a strange look on her face like she wants to say something ) Jeremy: What? Elena: It's about Bonnie. ( A short while later, they are sitting at a picnic table. Elena has explained almost everything ) Jeremy: Damon said she found peace. Elena: He thought Kai had killed her, but he just found out that she's alive, and he's doing everything that he can to... Jeremy: So you're back to defending him. Wow! And all it took was one hollow promise to bring Bonnie back. Elena: No. No, no, no, Jer. It's not hollow. Liv's looking for a way to send us over there so that we can find Bonnie and bring her back. Jeremy: And if you can't? Elena: Jer, this is good news. Jeremy: You're right, Elena. This is good news. Tonight, I'm gonna see Bonnie again, and everything is gonna go back to the way it was because I have never heard that before. ( Jeremy gets up and leaves to continue jogging. Elena sighs ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LOCKWOOD MANSION ] ( Liv is packing up her things. Matt and Sarah crouch in front of the fireplace, feeding papers into it ) Tyler: I brought you to Mystic Falls to keep you safe from your crazy-ass witch family. You can't just leave because Damon wants you to do some spell. Liv: So, what, I'm a prisoner here? Do I look like Rapunzel? Tyler: Well, actually... Look. Why can't Luke do it? Liv: Because he is busy enjoying his last few weeks as a singular twin with his sugar daddy radiologist, and I'd like to enjoy mine. Tyler: Matt, help me out here. Matt: I can't. It's for Bonnie. ( Tyler follows Liv to the front door ) Liv: Tyler, I can't stay locked up in here any longer. I'm out of clothes, and I've had pizza for breakfast every day this week. We've got to get back to our normal lives. Tyler: If you leave and your coven finds you... Liv: They'll make me merge with my brother? Hey. It's not all bad. If I survive, you'll be dating the all-powerful leader of the Gemini coven, and if I don't, you can date Luke. Tyler: Hey. This isn't a joke to me, ok? Liv: Well, I have to laugh at it because if I start imagining my life stuck in this town running away from my family, I will fall apart. Tyler: I'll find a way. ( Tyler kisses her. Liv leaves ) Sarah: And that was an actual fight two people just had over a twin-merge? This town is so weird. Matt: You'll get used to it. Sarah: Or I won't, and a vampire will kill me like they killed your friend Tripp. Matt: That's not gonna happen because I won't let it. ( Matt places one last piece into the fire ) Matt: And with that, the Mystic Falls community protection program is officially disbanded. Sarah: You know what that means. I helped you, now you help me. Time for a little family reunion. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MYSTIC FALLS CEMETERY ] ( Elena and Damon are walking through the cemetery in the woods ) Elena: What does Matt want with Stefan? Damon: I don't know. It's Matt. Food, money, new social class. Whatever it is, it better distract Stefan from his sizeable screw-up with Caroline. Did you know about that, how she felt about him? Elena: She told me a little while back, and whatever you're thinking, I want both of them to be happy. Damon: Even if she compels away all the things she likes about him? ( They reach Liv ) Elena: Hey. Thanks for doing this. Liv: Don't worry about it. I needed an excuse to get out of that frat house. Way too much boy. Gross. You got everything? Damon: Yep. Blood from a Bennett - Lucy to be exact - and an Ascendant from whatever the hell your last name is. Liv: Parker. So this is the famous Ascendant? Damon: Yup. Liv: Surprised that Jo gave it up. Elena: Why? Liv: It's the only thing keeping Kai locked in his prison. If he gets out, he's coming after Jo. Damon: Well, good old Jo - heh heh -helping us out. Can we do this, please? Liv: Whatever. So I'm gonna need the moon to activate the Ascendant. It will be viable for about 8 hours, so once I send you over, the clock's ticking. Elena: And how do we get back? Liv: Drink these. ( She hands them each a vial ) Damon: What is that? Liv: It's my blood. It will link you to me so I can find you and bring you back. Give this one to Bonnie, too. ( Liv hands them the third vial. Damon sniffs the blood ) Liv: Are you waiting for a toast? Drink. ( Damon clinks his vial against Elena's and they drink the blood ) Damon: Mmm. Bitter. Wonder why. Shall we? ( Damon takes Elena's hand. Liv pours the Bennett blood on the Ascendant and starts chanting the spell. There's a bright light, and Liv is gone - they're in the prison world ) Damon: Hey. Elena: I used to come here every day after the accident for months. Damon: This is where your parents are buried. Elena: Yeah, but not in 1994. In 1994, they were still alive. Damon: Yeah. So is Bonnie. So let's go get her. Just keep your eyes peeled. There's a pork rind-munching freak somewhere around here. Ok? Elena: Yeah. Damon: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [ INSIDE A TAXICAB ] ( Kai sits in the backseat of a taxi, chatting at the driver ) Kai: You ever worn skinny jeans? Agh. It seems wrong. I'm all bunched up. Also, why are jeans so tight when phones are so big? Driver: I don't know what to tell you, pal. Kai: Oh, God. I'm that guy, right? That guy that won't shut up. Oh, I hate that guy. I just sat next to that guy on the plane. He was the worst. Hey. Speaking of planes, have you flown recently? Because what's with the whole liquid situation and the stripping before you go through security thing? It's weird. Driver: They're worried about terrorists. Kai: Ok. Well, I'm sorry, but the real terrorists are some of those people taking off their shoes. I know I'm chatty. Sorry. I've just been in prison for awhile. Not like a regular prison, you know, more like a... Driver: All right. We're here. ( The driver pulls to a stop ) Kai: Special kind of... Driver: That will be 30. ( Kai starts struggling to get money out of his pocket ) Kai: All right. Jeans. Uh, will you take this? Hang on. Hang on. I got it. Oh. Hey. Gum. Nice. Driver: Come on, buddy. I don't have all day. Let's go. Kai: I got it. Hold on. Huh. Well... I guess this will do. ( Kai pulls a pair of earbuds out of his pocket and suddenly uses them to choke the driver from behind. The man struggles for a bit, but finally suffocates. Kai reaches around and puts one of the earbuds in the man's ear. He gets out and leans down toward the passenger side window ) Kai: Thank you. ( Kai walks toward Whitmore Campus ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE MANSION - PRISON WORLD ] ( Elena and Damon have been searching the house, but no sign of Bonnie ) Elena: Bonnie? Damon: Nothing. You? Elena: No, and I looked in every room plus the basement. ( Elena sits on the sofa ) Elena: Damon, you... you don't think that Kai... Damon: Look. Let's not jump to depressing conclusions yet, ok? Elena: Ok. ( Elena notices a pillow with blood on it ) Elena: Oh, my god. Damon. ( She sniffs it ) Elena: Oh, my god, Damon. This is blood. Damon: And we're jumping. ( Damon turns and goes to get the phone ) Elena: What are you doing? Damon: If Kai has Bonnie, we need to talk. Elena: So you're gonna call him? Damon: I'm gonna page him actually. ( Elena looks blank, waiting for explanation ) Damon: Sorry. Forgot you were two in 1994.Pagers are an ancient form of telecommunication. Elena: I know what a pager is. [beat] How does it work? Damon: We dial jackass's number 555-HIYA-KAI... ( He dials ) Damon: We leave our number... And then we hang up. Elena: And now what? Damon: And now we sit by the phone like a 13-year-old girl and wait. [SCENE_BREAK] [ AT A DINER ] ( Matt sits at a table with Sarah ) Matt: Relax. Sarah: I'm about to meet one of my only living relatives. ( Enzo joins them ) Enzo: Uh, technically, he's not living. So Stefan has extended family. I'm intrigued. Matt: Enzo, what the hell are you doing here? Enzo: Apparently rescuing this one from the world's most dreadful lunch. Matt and Stefan? Sweetheart, you can do so much better. Me for example. I'm Enzo. ( Sarah starts to reach up and accept Enzo's handshake ) Matt: The guy who killed Tripp. ( Sarah recoils ) Sarah: Oh, my God. Enzo: For the record, he did try and kill me first. ( to Matt ) You are the most terrible wingman. Matt: Enzo, leave. Enzo: Or what? Matt: Or maybe I'll pick up where Tripp left off. Enzo: Go on then. ( Stefan enters ) Stefan: Hey. I really wouldn't do that if I were you. You hurt him, and, uh, I hurt you, and really don't feel like cleaning up two corpses today. Enzo: Making threats in front of impressionable family. How brutish. Stefan: What are you talking about? Sarah: Me. He's, uh, talking about me. I'm Zach and Gail's daughter, Sarah Salvatore. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE MANSION - PRISON WORLD ] ( Elena opens a cabinet and finds an old camcorder. She looks at it doubtfully, unsure how to work it ) Elena: Um... ( She presses a button and a video starts playing ) Damon ( on video ): Well, I am officially in hell. This place is my own personal hell. ( Damon swoops in and snatches the camcorder away ) Damon: Whoa! Elena: Oh. Hey! What was that? Damon: Uh, it's my audition tape for "Real World: London." Fingers crossed. I think I'm finally gonna make it. Elena: That was a video journal. Damon: What? No. Journals are lame, especially video ones. Elena: Then why did you say you thought this was your own personal hell? Damon: Well, I mean, because I was stuck here with Bonnie. What could be worse than that? Elena: Damon. ( The phone starts ringing. Damon pulls it out and answers ) Damon: Kai, if you so much as hurt one hair on her annoying little witch head, I will kill you and... ( Bonnie, calling from a pay phone, speaks ) Bonnie: That was so sweet. Why'd you ruin it by calling me annoying? ( Elena grabs the phone ) Elena: Bonnie? Bonnie: Elena? Elena, is that you? Elena: Yes! It's me. I'm here. I'm at the Salvatore house in...in 1994. Bonnie: I can't believe I'm hearing your voice right now. How are you here? Elena: It's a long story. Just know that I'm here to get you. ( Bonnie smiles, ecstatic and relieved. A short time later, after Bonnie has filled them in, the conservation continues over the phone while Damon looks at a roadmap ) Elena: So Kai just left you in Portland? Bonnie: After cooking me Thanksgiving spaghetti and stealing my blood. It's been a strange few days. Elena: Where is he now? Bonnie: Don't know. I hotwired a car, and I'm on my way back to Mystic Falls. Elena: Hang on. You hotwired a car? Who are you? Bonnie: A badass apparently. A badass in Muncie. Damon: Well, Muncie's about 6 1/2 hours away, give or take a knuckle. Elena: Liv's pulling us out in 7. Damon: If you don't stop to use the little witches' room anymore... Bonnie: I can make it in time. I'm going home. Elena: You're coming home. We'll see you soon. Bonnie: Ok. ( They each hang up, smiling excitedly. Elena notices Damon is not so euphoric ) Elena: You're worried about Kai. Damon: If he's got Bonnie's blood and the Ascendant, he's got everything he needs to get out. [beat] What if he's already out? [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE BAR ] ( Kai walks up to the bar, where Liv is working ) Liv: How can I help you? Kai: One Zima, please. Liv: Hilarious. ( Kai says nothing ) Are you going to order something or just gonna stare? Kai: Ok. Uh, how about a soda... ( reads name tag ) Liv? ( Liv walks about to get his drink. Kai talks to himself ) Kai: Heh. Liv. Ironic. [SCENE_BREAK] [ ALARIC'S OFFICE ] Jo: Where is it? Alaric: That's a cryptic question, accusatory tone. This doesn't bode well for me. Jo: Good. Deflect, make a joke. That'll fix this. Alaric: What are you talking about? Jo: The Ascendant. Where is it? Alaric: I have no idea. ( Jo starts searching the office, lifting things on the bookshelves ) Jo: You must think I'm an idiot. To be fair, I am one. Wine, Thai food, that's all it takes. Alaric: Jo, I don't have it. Jo: Did you tell Damon where it is? Alaric: No. No. Look. We all agreed to find another way to get Bonnie back. Do you honestly think this is my normal afternoon reading? Jo: You and I are the only ones who knew where it was. It's gone! Alaric: Ok. Look. I swear to you I didn't tell anyone, ok? I would never tell anybody. Jo: You're right. You'd never tell anyone. It doesn't mean you didn't. Alaric: What are you saying? Jo: Damon is a vampire. Alaric: Are you saying Damon compelled me? Heh. Look. He wouldn't do that. He's my friend. Jo: Ok. Let's prove it. We're going to Mystic Falls. If you're compelled, it will go away when we walk across the border. If nothing happens, then you're right. He's your friend. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE MANSION - PRISON WORLD ] ( Damon pops open a bottle of champaign and flips pancakes up in the air, which Elena catches on plates. They sit at the table in the kitchen ) Damon: Bon appetit. Elena: Hang on. ( Elena takes the can of whipped cream and adds two little vampire fangs to the blueberry smiley face on Damon's pancake, just like he did for Bonnie. He stares at her, smiling ) Elena: What? Damon: Nothing. Let's eat. Elena: Ok. Who mangled the crossword? Damon: 6 letters, illiterate witch, B. ( Elena notices the story in the newspaper ) Elena: This is about Kai and Jo. Damon: Yep. Kai's greatest hits staring us in the face every day. Elena: If Kai's out, he's gonna go after Jo again. Damon, he's gonna kill her. Damon: Well, if I have my Gemini rules down, actually, he's going to merge with her, which will most likely result in her death, which I guess is 6 of 1... Elena: Then why would she give you the Ascendant? Damon: Um... Because I asked her very nicely? You want some music maybe? I'm gonna turn on some music. Elena: It was the one thing trapping Kai, and she just gave it to you? Damon: We have Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, Boyz II Men, Stefan's. Elena: Damon. Damon: Fine. She didn't give it to me. Alaric stole it from her. Elena: Alaric stole from her. Damon: After I compelled him. ( Elena's lips tighten, then she gets up and leaves the room. Damon goes after her ) Damon: What? Elena, stop. Elena: Of course you compel your best friend. I mean, why would that be off limits? Damon: Hey. I'm trying to get Bonnie back! Elena: Oh, just, just, no. Don't. Damon, I want Bonnie back more than anything. She's my best friend, but to you, she's something else, isn't she? She's a chance for me to realize what a great guy you are so that I can fall in love with you all over again. It doesn't matter who gets hurt in the process as long as Damon gets what Damon wants. ( Elena leaves ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ AT A DINER ] ( Stefan sits at a table with Sarah while Enzo "eavesdrops" on them from the bar, sitting next to Matt ) Enzo: She's saying you're stupid, and Stefan is agreeing. Ooh. Now she's saying you're good for nothing, and Stefan is disagreeing. He says you're a great punch line to a joke. Matt: Everyone hates you. Enzo: Don't be jealous you can't vamp hear because you're a big blond bowl of mush. Just be thankful I don't fancy mush. Sarah: ( to Stefan ) So after the third group home, I got myself emancipated, which is surprisingly difficult, by the way. Stefan: Yeah. You seem like the type that would do better on your own. Hey. Do you want a drink? Sarah: Sure. ( Stefan flags down a waitress ) Stefan: Hey. Excuse me. Can we get two chocolate milk shakes, please? ( to Sarah ) It's a, uh, Salvatore family tradition. Sarah: I'm all for family traditions. ( The waitress starts the milk shake blender, which is loud enough to mask Stefan's words from Enzo's hearing ) Stefan: All right. Listen. In 10 seconds, you're gonna get up and walk out of here with me, smiling, acting like nothing's wrong. The acting part shouldn't be too hard for you. ( Enzo tries to listen, but can't hear anything over the machine ) Stefan: I know you're lying. ( The blender stops. Stefan changes his demeanor back to cordial ) Stefan: Ready to go? ( Sarah barely fakes a smile and they both rise. Matt gets up when he sees them leaving ) Matt: Hey. Where you guys going? Stefan: Oh, just a little family drive. Sarah: It's ok, Matt, I promise. I'll call you in a bit. Matt: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE BAR ] ( Kai is still chatting up Liv, playing with his cell phone ) Kai: You on Twitter? Ah. I just signed up. You should follow me. Cobrakai1972. Come on. Like "Karate Kid"? Did you know you can follow celebrities? Heh. They all Twitter the stupidest things. It's... it's hilarious. Liv: It's kind of dead. I think I'm gonna close up. Kai: Oh. Hang on, hang on. I'm gonna get a real drink. No bourbon. I'm secure enough in my masculinity. Vodka's boring, rum's too tropical. Ooh. Tequila. You do not want to see me on Tequila. What about gin? Is that weird? Liv: Not if you're a 50-year-old, but seeing as you look 19, I'm gonna need to see some I.D. Kai: Oh. Of course. Of course. ( Kai takes out his ID and hands it to Liv, who reads the birthdate and smiles ) Liv: 1972. Nice try. Kai: No. True story, but that's not the most interesting thing on that I.D. Here. Look again. Name, address... Liv: Malachai Parker. Oh, my God. Ahhh. ( Liv starts to try to get away, but Kai restrains her with magic ) Kai: Last time I saw you... Liv: Aah! Kai: I was trying to kill you. Why don't we pick up where we left off? Liv: I don't think so. ( Liv stabs him with something and runs toward the door, but Kai locks it with magic ) Kai: Life is so much easier with magic. ( Every door Liv runs to, Kai closes and locks with magic ) Kai: Feels kind of like cheating. I'm sad you didn't recognize me. That means dad erased all trace of my existence... family pictures, movies, little handprint turkey I made. What a dick. ( Liv runs up the stairs. Kai follows her ) Liv: You stay the hell away from me. ( She magicks some tables toward him ) Kai: You were always so bad at hide-and-seek. I mean, you were 4, but still, find a better hiding spot. ( Kai magicks the tables out of the way, but suddenly Tyler appears and shoves Kai over the balcony edge ) Tyler: I think she did just fine. ( to Liv ) Let's get out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ AT A DINER ] Enzo: You don't find it the least bit strange that they just up and left? Matt: I told you she's his family. If they want to talk, let them talk. What the hell do you care? Enzo: Because I care about the truth, care about authenticity. Matt: Or you just hate Stefan. Enzo: I do actually, yeah. He abandoned his brother, turned me over to a vampire hunter, and he hurt the one girl who can honestly do no wrong. That's not why I care. No. I care because he does all that and is still considered a hero when I get stuck being a villain. Matt: Yeah, because you kill people. Enzo: What, and Stefan doesn't? Come on. You and I both know that's not true. I'm just up front about it, but Stefan, no, who knows what he's done? He's just a liar with a little box of secrets. Come on, Mush. Let's open the box. ( In Stefan's car, Sarah insists on sticking to her story ) Sarah: I told you Zach Salvatore is my father, Gail is my mother. I have these pictures. Stefan: Ah. That's your big evidence, a picture you stole? You gave yourself up the second you got in the car. Sarah: Why don't you believe me? ( Stefan stops the car and turns to Sarah ) Stefan: Because right now, Sarah Salvatore is in her dorm room at Duke university, where she studies as an art major, and she didn't bounce from group home to group home. She was adopted right out of the hospital by a great family. I made sure of it. Sarah: You know her. Stefan: She's my family. Even though she doesn't know me, I've looked out for her for her entire life. Now who the hell are you? ( Sarah gets out of the car and starts to run, but Stefan vamps over to block her way ) Sarah: Monique. My name is Monique. [SCENE_BREAK] [ GILBERT HOUSE - PRISON WORLD ] ( Elena sits on the porch swing at her house. Damon slowly walks up the porch steps ) Damon: May 10, 1994, I had a day. I was mad at Stefan for something. I don't even remember what it was, and in typical Damon fashion, I acted out. People died. A lot of them, and believe it or not, ever since that day, I've felt horribly guilty. So I thought that this was my hell, Elena... But you know who didn't? Bonnie. She had hope for both of us. She's the reason I survived, the reason I made it out. Who knew? Turns out you spend time with someone and don't kill them, you actually become friends. I'm doing this for Bonnie, Elena, not for you. And that's it. ( Elena starts to smile. Damon sits next to Elena on the swing ) Elena: Damon and Bonnie. Who would have thought? Damon: Pfft. Don't make this any weirder than it needs to be. Elena: She's probably passing Whitmore right now. Damon: If she's not lost. She has a terrible sense of direction. ( Elena laughs. She touches the chains holding the swing bench ) Elena: You know, I could have sworn that this used to squeak. Damon: It did. I fixed it. Bonnie and I came here every day. It was the closest thing I had to a picture of you, and I needed every reminder I could get. Elena: It's funny. I used to have so many good memories of this house, and after just one bad one, I burned it down. I just couldn't bear to look at it again. I just can't believe it's gone. Damon: You want to go inside? Elena: Yeah. Yeah, I do. ( They get up and go toward the front door. Elena pauses and turns to look at Damon ) Elena: I'm sorry I compelled away the memories. They were only half mine. Damon: We'll make new ones. ( Damon smiles and touches her cheek. Elena looks unsure, but not unhappy. Suddenly, though, something starts to change ) Elena: Do you feel that? Damon: Oh, no. ( Damon and Elena return to the real world ) Elena: No. No. We shouldn't be back yet. Damon, we have another hour. ( Elena sees Liv and Tyler and gets angry ) Elena: What did you do? Tyler: Kai is here. We have to get back to Mystic Falls before he takes any more of her magic. Elena: No. Send me back first. Liv: I can't. Elena: Bonnie was on her way. Send me back! ( Elena moves angrily toward them, but they're across the border and she starts to burn in the sunlight ) Damon: Elena, you're over the border. ( Elena stumbles backward back to safety ) Tyler: I'm sorry, Elena. ( They leave ) Elena: No. No. [SCENE_BREAK] [ AT THE SIDE OF A ROAD ] ( Monique, aka Sarah, tells Stefan about who she really is ) Monique: I met Sarah at sleep-away camp, or as my foster family liked to call it, get the hell out of my house camp. Sarah had a great life. Me? Not so much. So when I found out that she had no desire to find her real family... Stefan: You decided to find them for her. Monique: Couldn't be any worse than what I had. Stefan: Well, considering the fact that my brother killed her mom while she was pregnant, I don't know about that. I let him believe that the baby died. I wanted to protect her. Even though my brother's not the same person he was before, it's safer if he doesn't know. I know that may be a little bit extreme, but I want her to have a normal life no matter what. See, the problem is with you around, there's a threat now, someone who knows her other than me. ( Stefan moves toward her, and Monique backs away ) Stefan: I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need you to take off your Vervain. ( Monique takes off her vervain necklace and hands it to Stefan ) Stefan: ( compelling ) You've never met or heard of Sarah Salvatore. Forget everything that happened here, leave Virginia, and never come back. ( Monique starts to walk away when a car honks behind them. Stefan turns at the sound and sees it's Matt's truck ) Matt: Hey! You ok? Monique: Who are you? Matt: You compelled her? Why? Stefan: She's not my family, she's a con artist, and I'm just trying to get rid of her. ( to Monique ) Get out of here. ( Monique starts to leave when Enzo vamps right up to her ) Monique: Aah! What the hell? Enzo: ( compelling ) No screaming, luv, and don't move. Matt: Enzo, what are you doing? ( Enzo grabs Monique and pulls her back against him ) Enzo: I want the whole story, the one not obscured by the dulcet tones of a blender. Stefan: I told you she's a con artist. There is no Sarah Salvatore. That baby died when Damon killed her mom. Enzo: Then why listen to this one babble on for 20 minutes, why whisk her away to speak privately, hmm? Why wipe her memory, Stefan? She knows something. Stefan: Come on. Don't do this. Just let her go. Enzo: See? He's digging in. Can always spot a liar. How about a countdown? That's fair for everyone, right? 5 seconds. 4...3... Matt: Enzo, let her go, or I swear... Enzo: You'll what? Matt: I will kill you. Enzo: Will you? Because Stefan's 5 seconds are up. ( Enzo snaps Monique's neck. Matt starts toward him ) Matt: No! ( Stefan restrains him ) Stefan: Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. Enzo: Just think. All of this could have been avoided if you'd have just told the truth. No matter. I'll find out sooner or later. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MYSTIC FALLS CEMETERY ] ( Elena sits with Damon at her parents' gravestone ) Elena: Bonnie's gonna get to the house, and we will be gone. Damon: Until the next comet, or full moon, or eclipse. As long as we have that, we can go back as many times as we need until we get her back. ( Suddenly Kai shows up ) Kai: Wait. Are you guys talking about Bonnie Bennett? Because honestly, I didn't think she was all that great. ( Kai magicks the Ascendant out of Elena's hands. It smashes against a tree and breaks ) Elena: No! ( Elena scrambles to collect the pieces. Damon stands up and moves toward Kai ) Damon: I am gonna enjoy the hell out of this. ( Kai disables Damon with excruciating pain in his head ) Kai: Oh, hey. Me, too. Oh, yeah. Damon, I, uh, I stole some of Liv's magic when I tried to kill her. Think some of it might still be in my system, so pardon me. ( Kai makes Damon slide away, then walks toward Elena. He picks up a piece of the Ascendant ) Kai: Uh-uh-uh. You missed one. Phesmatos incendia. ( He drops it into Elena's hands with the rest of the pieces, and it bursts into flame. The fire spreads up Elena's arm. Damon, revived, vamps toward Kai, who suddenly disappears. Damon picks up a large tree branch and swings it, hitting Kai, who becomes visible again and gets pelted over the anti-magic border. The fire on Elena's arm goes away ) Damon: You ok? ( Elena nods, gasping ) Kai: Huh. I guess this is that, uh, antimagic border, which means now there's a psycho loose in Mystic Falls and no vampires around to stop him. Whoops. ( Kai walks away, and Elena and Damon share look ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ AT THE SIDE OF A ROAD ] ( Stefan finishes putting Monique into the bed of Matt's truck ) Stefan: Look. I'm sorry that Enzo killed her. He's... Matt: A monster. Yeah, I know, but you could have stopped him, and you didn't. Stefan: What, you think that was easy for me, watching an innocent girl die? Matt: I don't know actually. You're not exactly the sharing type. Stefan: Matt, I promise you that everything I do I have thought out over and over, making sure it's the right thing to do. Matt: So we're just supposed to trust that you know best? Stefan: No. You're supposed to trust that I'm nothing like Enzo. Matt: The problem is you are, because no matter how close vampires get to humans, our lives will always mean less, so when push comes to shove, we'll be on opposite sides, which is what Tripp knew and I didn't. ( Matt gets into his car and drives away ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE MANSION ] ( Jeremy pours himself a glass of bourbon. His phone rings and he answers ) Elena: Jeremy? Jeremy: Let me guess. She's not with you? Elena: She was on her way, but... Jeremy: But at the last minute, something went wrong, and it didn't work. I bet Damon's fine, isn't he? ( Jeremy hangs up and picks up his glass. Matt arrives behind him carrying vampire hunter weapons ) Matt: Don't do that. Jeremy: Why not? Matt: Because I think channeling your rage might be a better option. How do you feel about being a hunter again? Jeremy: Why? Matt: Because I want you to help me kill Enzo. [SCENE_BREAK] [ MYSTIC FALLS CEMETERY ] ( Alaric meets up with Damon ) Alaric: So Jo drove me across the border. I told her she was crazy, that you'd never compel me. Damon: Look, Ric. ( Alaric punches Damon ) Damon: We had to get Bonnie back. Alaric: Getting Bonnie back was never off the table. What was off the table was compelling me to steal from my girlfriend when we had promised her we'd keep her brother locked way. Damon: Yeah, I know. Alaric: Where is he - Kai? Damon: He's out, but it's not our fa... ( Alaric punches Damon again and leaves. Elena walks up behind Damon and puts a hand on his shoulder ) Damon: I left Bonnie a note at the house. I told her we would be on your front porch. ( In the prison world, Bonnie runs to the porch of the Gilbert house and opens the door ) Damon: She'd probably be there now with about a half an hour to spare. ( Bonnie realizes they're not in there and continues looking around the porch ) Damon: She sacrificed everything for us over and over again, and then we were supposed to be there for her. ( Bonnie realizes they're gone ) Damon (V.O.): She's all alone. ( Bonnie fights her emotions. Elena's eyes tear up. Bonnie breaks down on the porch in despair, sobbing ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LOCKWOOD MANSION ] ( Tyler walks in the front door. Kai stands up in the shadowed sitting room ) Kai: I think gin gets a bad rap. ( Tyler drops his bag and starts moving toward Kai, but Kai breaks an empty bottle against the wall and holds the jagged edge against Tyler's throat ) Kai: I'd rather not kill you, but I will. Tyler: What the hell do you want? Kai: This is gonna sound crazy, but I'm wanting to save Liv's life. Feel like making a deal with the devil? [ END ]

Damon compels Alaric to do whatever he has to do to get the ascendant from Jo. After obtaining it, Liv sends Damon and Elena back to 1994 while Elena wonders why Jo agreed to give them the ascendant which is the only thing that is protecting her from her brother. Arriving in 1994, Damon and Elena page Bonnie and are able to speak to her and tell her that they are bringing her home. In their conversation Bonnie tells them that Kai stabbed her to get her blood and fears that Kai might be free. Back in the Mystic Falls, Stefan meets a girl claiming to be Sarah, the daughter of their uncle, but it is revealed that she is actually an impostor who goes by the name Monique. Stefan knows about the real Sarah and where she is all these years since he has been watching over her whole life. He compels Monique to forget she ever knew Sarah and to leave Mystic Falls, because he does not want Damon, or anyone else, to know about Sarah. Enzo suspects that Stefan hides something and kills Monique because Stefan refuses to tell him. Meanwhile, Kai kills a cab driver and once he arrives in Mystic Falls he finds Liv. He steals some of her magic and tries to kill her but Tyler comes in time and saves her. In the process, Liv is forced to bring Damon and Elena back to the present without Bonnie. Jo finds out that the ascendant is gone and confronts Alaric, being the only other person who knew where she kept it, but Alaric swears he did not take it. Jo tells him that it might be possible that he took it but he does not remember because he was compelled to forget. Kai finds Damon and Elena in the cemetery and destroys the ascendant and afterwards he goes to Tyler and asks him to help him merge with Jo to keep Liv alive.

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_03x24

fd_Grey_s_Anatomy_03x24_0

(Meredith is dressing for Susan's funeral) MVO: A surgeon's education never ends. Every patient, every symptom, every operation...is a test, a chance for us to demonstrate how much we know...and how much more we have to learn. (The kitchen at Meredith's house) Cristina: How do you treat pancreatic divisum? Izzie? Izzie: Oh, Cristina. If you're not gonna let us sleep, you at least have to let me put coffee in my cup. Cristina: Okay, so go. No one's stopping you. Izzie: I'm too tired to go. Cristina: Pancreatic divisum. Alex: Dorsal duct sphincterotomy. Cristina: Not your turn, but correct. You do me. Alex: I can't believe O'Malley's missing this. How's he gonna be ready? Cristina: Oh, you're kidding, right? Cristina: We have Callie's cards, but George has... Izzie: George has Callie. Alex: What's the most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalized patients? Izzie: Is she coming to this bachelorette thing tonight? Cristina: Rotavirus. Yes. Uh, no! No, no, no. Uh, salmonella. Alex: Diarrhea in hospitalized patients. (Meredith enters) Meredith: The most frequent cause of diarrhea in hospitalized patients is C.Diff which can lead to toxic megacolon, perforation, sepsis and death. That's what killed Susan. Izzie: Is she okay? Cristina: Oh, she's fine. Alex: Dude, she's messed up. Izzie: Of course she's messed up. Susan was basically her surrogate mother. Cristina: Yeah, her fake mom was better than her real mom. Izzie: Is she going to the hospital first or the funeral? Cristina: First to the hospital, then to the funeral, then to the test this afternoon. Alex: Has she even studied? Cristina: Yeah, she studied. She's fine. She just needs to be left alone, okay? So what's inside the carotid sheath? Izzie? (Callie and George are at their hotel room) George: The internal carotid artery, the internal jugular vein and the vagus nerve. Callie: Ah, that was too easy. Let's find you a hard one. Uh, what is this? George: Uh, what is what? Oh, yeah. That just came this morning. Callie: You got... You got a spot at Mercy West! Why...why didn't you tell me? George: Because it's pending the results of the intern exam. Callie: Oh, you know what this means, don't you? You, you got, you got into Mercy West you got into mercy west George: I haven't told the chief yet. Callie: You'll tell him today. He'll understand. It's a smaller program, fewer residents...fewer distractions, more surgeries. And when I come home and ask you how your day went, you can actually tell me because I won't already know. (They kiss. She leaves George smiling sadly.) (Derek enters the elevator where Meredith is) Meredith: Hi. Derek: Hi. Derek: Look, I... I know this is an...an impossible day for you. So...I'm just want to say one thing. I brought a black suit, just in case. Meredith: Thank you. But I think this is something I need to do by myself. (His pager goes off and he exits the elevator) Derek: If you need me, just... (The elevator closes)...let me know. (Burke walks up to Cristina in the hallway) Burke: Oh, Cristina. Cristina: What is MEN Syndrome? Don't answer that. Burke: The minister needs to see a copy of your vows before the wedding. Cristina: Multiple endocrine neoplasia. Yes. Burke: Look, I know it's test day, and I'm not supposed to be talking about the wedding on test day . But since tomorrow's our wedding day- Cristina: You have five seconds. Go. Burke: Bill Adams can't make it. I have no best man. Cristina: Oh, no. Baby, I'm so sorry. Burke: And I need your vows by... Cristina: Okay, time's up. Burke: Cristina... Cristina: Test day. Burke: What am I supposed to tell the minister? Cristina: Test day. (Burke, Mark, Derek, Addison, Callie and Bailey are in the ER) Addison: They paged you guys, too? Burke: Well, I think they paged all of us. Addison: That can't be good. Mark: Sure it can. He could be letting us know I won the race for chief. Bailey: Not today, he isn't. He's making his recommendation to the board tomorrow for chief of surgery and chief resident. Derek: Why were we all paged? Bailey: Oh, because search and rescue found those lost climbers who were up on Mount Rainier. (Richard enters) Richard: People, the climbers are on their way. Derek: Any specifics? Richard: They found only three so far. One's still missing. They're reporting severe dehydration with traumatic head and chest injuries. Dr. Bailey, Dr. Torres, you'll be my trauma team. Bailey: Bad day not to have interns. Mark: What? Callie: Today's the intern exam. Richard: You'll all have to do your own heavy lifting today. And if you see an intern, which you will, because they can't help themselves, turn them away until after the exam. The ambulances are five minutes away. It's time to do what we do best, people. Let's roll. (Alex is in the NICU holding Jane Doe's baby while she quizzes him) Jane Doe: What is a Gerota's fascia? Alex: Uh, the fascia surrounding the kidney. Jane Doe: Which is longer, the left or the right renal vein? Alex: That's right. The left one. Jane Doe: Looks and smarts...not bad. Alex: You think? Jane Doe: She's got my dad's nose, though. Girl's gotta have a big personality to pull off that nose. Alex: What? You...you remember your dad? Jane Doe: No. I don't...no. Alex: You just said... Jane Doe: I know, but I... I have no idea where that came from. Alex: That was a memory. That's what it's like sometimes. It doesn't always come back all at once. It can happen in bits and pieces. Jane Doe: Don't...don't get all... Alex: Dude, your memory's coming back. (Richard, Burke and Derek are standing in the ambulance bay) Richard: So how you feelin', Preston? You ready? Burke: I'm always ready for surgery. Derek: I think he's talking about the wedding. Richard: Yeah, tomorrow's the big day. Burke: And apart from the fact that Cristina hasn't written her vows, my best man just canceled, and it's still raining... Derek: He's not ready. Richard: You're never ready. I certainly wasn't. But then... The minute I saw Adele coming down that aisle...well... Have you picked your best man? Burke: Actually, chief, I... Derek: You can't be his best man. Richard: Why not? Derek: Because it's unethical. It's a conflict of interest. The man wants to be chief of surgery. Burke: Actually, Derek... Derek: Not that that's why you're asking. Burke: I was... Going to ask you. Derek: Ask me what? (Burke just looks at him) Derek: Really? Burke: We have been through a lot this year. Derek: And everybody else turned you down. Oh, what do I have to do? Richard: Well, traditionally the best man plans the bachelor party. Derek: Drinks at Joe's after work? Burke: Yeah. I knew you were the man for the job. (The ambulance arrives) Paramedic: Dale Winick, 32, B.P.90 over 50,tachy to 110. Severe frostbite, but no obvious internal injuries. Richard: Got it. My god. Derek: Wow. Paramedic: Yeah, those aren't gloves. (The trauma room) Dale: Please someone tell me are the other guys ok? Richard: They're right behind you. We'll let you know. Mark: Get him a tet-tox and push a gram of cefazolin IV. And let's get some warm, circulating water to start thawing his hands. Addison: I'll get someone on it. Callie. (Addison walks into the hall) (The interns are in the hallway peering through a window at the ER) Izzie: We're supposed to be studying. If Bailey finds out we're down here... Cristina: We are studying. How do you treat frostbite? George: Re-warm, avoid early surgery unless there's a deep infection due to auto-amputation. Cristina: See? Studying. (Another frostbite sufferer is entering the ER) Burke: Okay, okay, Mr. Meltzer, Mr. Meltzer, I'm gonna need you to save your breath, okay? We're gonna give you some pain meds. Andy: It hurts Burke: You have several broken ribs, which are compromising your breathing. You understand? Cristina: Did you see that? Meredith: That is freaky. Cristina: I think that was a flail chest. I've never seen one before. Come on. Come on. Why, oh, why does today have to be test day? Meredith: Oh, I know. Cristina: Look... I bet you if you talk to the chief, he'll let you take the test later with the funeral and everything. Meredith: I don't need to take the test later. Cristina: Okay. (Another patient enters) Derek: Can I get a little help here? Jack: I can't feel my legs! Derek: Sir, you could have a spinal injury. You need to stop fighting me and stay calm, okay? You're only making it worse. Where are we going? Addison: You guys are going to trauma three. Derek: All right. Trauma three. (Izzie and George are standing alone in the hallway) Izzie: You okay? George: Yeah. I got accepted at Mercy West. Izzie: Wow, that's... Are you gonna go? George: Well, I kinda have to now, right? (Bailey walks into the hallway) Bailey: What are you fools doing here? In a few hours, you people are taking a test that will determine the course of your entire medical careers because the five interns with the lowest test scores will be cut from the program. But are you studying for this test? No, you're not. Are you helping out in the ER? You are most certainly not! Are you getting the hell out of here before I throw you out? I think you are. (Alex runs into Derek in the hallway) Alex: Whoa, Dr. Shepherd. Derek: Aren't you supposed to be studying? Alex: Yeah, I just have a quick question. Derek: Yeah. Alex: Could the craniotomy you performed on Ava...on Jane Doe...could...could that have affected her memory? Derek: Uh, it's doubtful. I was mostly working in the speech center of her brain. But you never know. Why? Alex: I think she remembered something. Can...can we test her to see if anything's changed? Derek: Yeah, you can run another WMSR, but we're gonna have to wait and see if she remembers anything else. Good sign, though. Alex: Thanks. (Derek walks up to the nurse's station where Addison is) Derek: Nice work, Dr. Montgomery. Addison: Oh, thanks. I was just directing traffic. Derek: I was being sarcastic. Addison: Oh, like brain surgery is so impressive. Derek: It is, actually. (Joe and Walter enter) Joe: Addison. Addison: Yes? Oh, Joe, Walter. What are you guys doing here? Everything okay? Yeah, we came to see you, actually. Joe: Uh we need a consult. Addison: Don't tell me you're pregnant. Joe: Uh, no, but...our birth mom is. Walter: Potential birth mom. Joe: She hasn't actually picked us yet. Addison: You're adopting? Joe: Well, we filed an application, but we never thought we'd get picked. You know, bar-owning gays don't get picked very often. Walter: I guess having a baby is easier than we thought. Addison: Yes, I guess so. Joe: So I was hoping you could take a look at her? You know, kicking the tires, checking underneath the hood? Walter: Car metaphors? No. Addison: I'd be happy to. Just, uh, give me a call and we'll set up an appointment. Joe: Well, see, that's the thing. Uh, she lives in Portland, and she's only gonna be in Seattle for one day, so... Walter: She's kind of here now. Addison: Now, as in...(Joe steps aside to reveal a pregnant woman) Now. (Izzie catches up to George in the hallway) Izzie: George, wait. Wait a minute. George: Yeah? Izzie: You don't have to do this. You don't have to transfer to Mercy West. George: Yeah, I do. Izzie: No. Just forget about you and me for a second, okay? What about Meredith? What about Alex and Cristina? Who's gonna hold us together if you're not here? You're the glue. You're George. George: I can't stay here. I can't... Izzie: No one's making you go. George: Stay here and see you every day... And not...I can't keep kissing you in elevators. Izzie: I know. I know that. George: I'm married. I'm a married man. (Alex enters Jane Doe's room) Alex: You busy? Jane Doe: Cute. What are you doing here? Isn't the exam in like- Alex: Yeah, I know, I know. I just want to run a quick neuro-psych test on you. Jane Doe: No. No! Go take your test. I...I have a baby to feed. Alex: What the hell is wrong with you? Jane Doe: Nothing. Alex: You've been sitting in this bed for weeks wishing you could remember who you were, now suddenly you can. Jane Doe: I can't. It was something I said. Alex: Well, you remember your father's face. Why are you acting like it's no big deal, like it happens all the time? Jane Doe: Alex, come on. I...I...it...that's not... Alex: Unless it does happen all the time. Tell me the truth. Do you remember? Do you know who you are? (Cristina and Meredith are walking through the hall) Cristina: What is biloma? What is biloma? Meredith: Cristina, I really don't have time ...A biloma is an intperitoneal bile fluid collection. Cristina: Excellent. Meredith: Okay? I'll be fine. (Thatcher enters) George: Meredith. Meredith: George, I gotta go. George: Your dad. Meredith: Hey. I...I...I was just on my way... Thatcher: No, I...I came here to tell you you're not wanted. I don't want you at any funeral, Meredith. Richard: Thatcher, why don't you come... Thatcher: She trusted you! She came to you for help, and you killed her. You did. You killed my wife. You took her from me. (Molly enters) Molly: Dad! Thatcher: So I don't...I don't want to see you. I don't want to hear from you, and I don't want you anywhere near her funeral. You understand me? Do you understand me? Molly: Dad, dad, come on. This...Lexie's waiting in the car. We have to go, dad. We have to go now. Thatcher: She was everything to me, all I had. She was all I had. She was all I had. (Alex is still in Jane Doe's room) Alex: I can sit here all day. I'll miss my test, but I will sit here all day. Jane Doe: I don't...I...it happened a few days ago, and I...I just...I just woke up, and it was all there again. Alex: And you didn't tell me? Jane Doe: Becau...because there's...there's nothing to tell. Alex: Why don't I believe that? Jane Doe: I was a pregnant woman in a lousy marriage to the nicest guy anyone's ever met. End of story. Alex: Who...who is he? What does he do? Wh...where...where did you meet him? Jane Doe: College. We got married the year after we graduated. He... I wanted...I wanted to move to New York, and he wanted to live on the side of a mountain and take over his dad's shop. And he's a woodworker. He makes beautiful furniture. It's...it's...it's quiet, and he's quiet and...I was going out of my mind. Alex: So you just... Took off? Jane Doe: No, I... I need...I need...I need...I needed to think and to be around other people, so I came to Seattle, and I...thought I'd see the sights, ride the ferry. Alex: Have you even called him? Jane Doe: No. Alex: Why not? Jane Doe: I left him, Alex. Alex: So? He's your husband. You should call him. You want me to call him? I mean, what's his name? What's your name? Jane Doe: I'm not telling you that. (Meredith, George, Cristina and Izzie are in the locker room preparing for their test) Izzie: We've got everything taken care of. George: You don't have to worry about a thing. Cristina: I've got number 2 pencils and bottled water. Izzie: Oh, and...and powerbars. Cristina: And you know the material. You're gonna get a high score...not as high as mine...but everything's gonna be fine. (Alex enters) Alex: What are you guys all standing around for? Don't we have a test to...what happened? (Richard enters) Richard: You people need to head upstairs. Dr. Grey will join you in a minute. (Everyone leaves) Richard: You're not to blame for Susan Grey's death, and you know it, and your father knows it, too. He's just... Well, he's never been the best communicator, and he just lost his wife. Meredith: Stop acting like my surrogate father. Richard: Meredith, I'm...just... Meredith: Because you slept with my mother, that does not make you my father. (Derek is in the ER with the three men) Derek: Follow my finger, okay? Up, down, up down, side to side. Good. Let me know if you can feel this, okay? Jack: Yeah, I'm not enjoying that. Derek: Good. That's a good sign. Jack: It means I'm not paralyzed? Derek: Well, the MRI Will show us the full extent of the injuries. But, uh, can we ask you what happened up there? Dale: It was my fault. Andy: Dale...it wasn't your fault. Dale: 60 ways to get up Mount Rainier, and I had to pick Liberty Ridge Jack: It wasn't the route. It was the storm. On a clear day, you don't think about storms. A minute later, the wind's pasting you to the side of the mountain, and you can't see your hand in front of your face. Burke: Is that why you fell, because of the storm? Jack: All I know is I felt the rope tug, and...I was in midair. Andy: We all were. We were tied together. Must have been a 100-foot drop. Dale: And when we came to, Lonnie wasn't moving. Derek: Lonnie? He's your friend who's still missing? Burke: Well, this Lonnie, is that why he didn't make it back, because he was hurt? Jack: Because he was dead. Burke: I'm sorry. Jack: We had to leave him. We had to get to the other side of the mountain, or we'd be dead, too. We had no choice. Dale: You always have a choice. You never leave a man behind. (The test room for the interns) Proctor: Please take your seats, doctors, and put all study materials away. Cristina: Okay, if you don't know the answer, choose "B." It's always "B." Proctor: And write your name in the upper right-hand corner of your answer sheets. (George goes to sit down and then moves when Izzie sits nearby) Proctor: You may open your test booklets...now. (Joe and Walter are in the exam room with Rina and Addison) Joe: We...we don't have to be here if you're uncomfortable. Rina: Oh, no, it's fine. Un...unless you're uncomfortable. Joe: Actually, uh, I...I... Walter: He's fine. Addison: So, Rina, how are you feeling? Any problems? Rina: Just the fact that I'm huge, and I have, like, the worst heartburn I've ever had in my life. Addison: I can prescribe an antacid for that. The first thing we're gonna do is take a look at the baby. This might be a little cold. Rina: This baby deserves parents who are gonna make it their whole world, you know? Joe: Y...you know we're gay, right? Rina: I figured, with you both being boys and everything. The other couple I'm considering, they're,like,oh,40. She's been trying to get pregnant for ten years. It's so sad. Addison: There's the heartbeat. Joe: Wow. Rina: There's, like, a person inside of me. Addison: Actually... There are two people. Twins. Rina: Oh, my god. Walter: Oh, my god. Joe: Oh, my god. I think I'm gonna pass out. Addison: Joe? Joe? (The test room for the interns) Proctor: Doctors, we are halfway through our allotted time. You only have 60 minutes left to complete the exam. (Meredith sits there not completing anything on her test. Everyone else is working as hard as possible. George is distracted by Meredith's lack of concentration in the test.) (The test is over and the interns are in the hall) George: Meredith. Meredith! (She just walks away) She didn't write anything on the test. She didn't answer a single question. She just sat there. Cristina: Wait, G...George, just...just give her a second. (Burke, Derek, Mark, Callie and Bailey are in the x-ray room) Burke: I've got an extensive antero-lateral flail chest. He'll need surgical stabilization. Dr. Torres, if you're available, I would really... Derek: She's not. My guy has bone fragments in his spinal cord, internal fixation. Dr. Torres is gonna scrub in with me. Bailey: Uh, we have more than one orthopedic surgeon in this hospital. Mark: And you'll need 'em, because Dr. Torres and I are looking at possible multiple amputations. Callie: Guys, I can be there for all of you. We just have to figure it out. Dr. Burke asked first. (They all talk over each other) Callie: Well, I mean, with all due respect... Bailey: Okay, you all want Torres. Fine. Rock, paper, scissors. Derek: One, two, three. Bailey: All rocks .Very typical. Ready? And... Rock smashes scissors. Callie: See you in the O.R. Derek: Best two out of three. Dr. Burke! (Everyone leaves except Mark and Bailey. Mark stands there smiling at her.) Bailey: What? Mark: I just wanted to know how it feels...to not have to spend the next 24 hours wondering if Richard picked you to be chief resident. How's it feel to be the chosen one? (Mark leaves) Bailey: Feels just fine. (Meredith walks past Derek who is at the nurse's station) Derek: Hey. How'd it go? Meredith. (She keeps walking without even acknowledging Derek) Cristina: Don't worry. I've got it. (Izzie, George, Alex and Cristina are in the hallway above where Meredith is sitting in the waiting room) Izzie: It's not like she actually flunked. She...she just didn't write anything. Alex: It's kinda like she actually flunked. George: One guy two years ago, he was on call three nights before his test. He slept through the whole thing. He had to repeat his intern year. Izzie: She can't repeat her intern year. It's pathetic. We have to do something. Cristina. Cristina: What? O...okay, I don't know. I mean, Meredith and I don't fail things. This is not in my book. (All of their pagers go off) George: It's Bailey. We gotta go. We gotta go. Izzie: We can't just leave her here. Alex: You got a better idea? (They all walk up to where Bailey is) Bailey: Okay, it's, uh, show time, people. Yang, you're scrubbing in with Dr. Burke. Karev, you're with Dr. Montgomery. Stevens, find Dr. Sloan. George: You paged me, too. Bailey: Mercy West. George: Callie told you. Bailey: You're in the best surgical program in the country, the toughest, most competitive, most respected. You want to leave this for Mercy West? George: Mercy West... Bailey: Is not Seattle Grace. Are you trying to...after all the work that we've put into you, are you trying to throw your career away? George: I'm trying to... Do what's best for me right now. I've had some personal issues. Bailey: I...I don't know what your personal problems are, and I don't care. I do care about your career, so let me make myself clear. This is a mistake. (George walks away and past Izzie who has been watching from afar) Izzie: George... (Callie has been watching the whole exchange from nearby) [SCENE_BREAK] (George is in the waiting room with Meredith) George: It's like we're on a train that's going 200 miles an hour, and it would just be so nice to get off and just...stand on the platform, just for a minute. Meredith: Looks like I'm off the train. George: Our parents died. When a parent dies, it doesn't make any sense. So you make a lot of really terrible decisions...that you're gonna end up having to live with for a long time. Meredith: You should go. You are still on the train. It's okay. You have to go. Go. Go. Go, go. (Addison enters the ER and Adele calls to her) Adele: Addison. Addison: Adele. What are you doing here? What happened? Adele: A fender bender. I'm fine. I told the ER Resident I'm fine, but... Addison: All right, I'm gonna page Richard. I'll let him know you're here. Adele: Oh, you will do no such thing, Addison. Richard cannot know I'm here. We're separated. My life is none of his business. I'm serious. Addison: Okay. Uh, all right. Well...let's get you checked out. Do you have any, um, any pain, any...anything? Adele: Well...there's one thing I should probably mention. I'm pregnant. (Adele and Addison are in an exam room) Addison: The baby looks fine on the ultrasound, but you are spotting a little. It's nothing severe, but I would like to hold you overnight for observation. Adele: Overnight? Oh, no. I'm sorry Addison: But...for just a couple of hours at least. Look, it could be nothing. But a pregnancy at your age is... Adele: Terrifying? Embarrassing? Addison: I was going to say a miracle. Adele: I don't know. I resigned myself to the fact a long time ago that I would never have kids, and here I am, 52, about to be divorced and pregnant. Addison: May I ask who...the father is? Adele: You may ask. Addison: Look, all I'm saying is that if Richard finds out that you're walking around this hospital carrying another man's baby... Adele: Richard is not going to find out because neither one of us are going to tell him. (Addison walks into the hall and bumps into Richard) Addison: Chief. Richard: Addison. I just heard the news. Addison: You...you heard? Who told you? What...what did you hear? Richard: That Joe and Walter are adopting. Is the birth mom here? I'd love to put in a good word. Addison: Oh, no, no, no. Chief, you don't want to go in there. It's a young girl... in the stirrups, you know, her equipment exposed, right? You don't want to see that. Richard: No, I...I don't want to see that. (Alex is in the waiting room with Meredith) Meredith: Are you going to give me an inspirational speech, too? Alex: No. (Izzie and George are in the hall) Izzie: George... George: Oh, I can't talk. I have a patient to prep. Izzie: This isn't about you and me. This is about Meredith. What are we gonna do? George: There's nothing to do. Izzie: What? George: I'm not even gonna be here in a week, so... Izzie: So your transferring to another hospital means we're not gonna be friends anymore? Why are you doing this, George? Didn't you hear a word of what Bailey said? (They walk past the curtain where the climbers are) Andy: What were we supposed to do, hmm, carry him down the mountain? He was our friend, and we left him there. Jack: If we hadn't, we'd be dead, too. You know that. Andy: Dale was right. You don't...you don't do that. You don't climb all the way up there together just to leave a man behind. (Addison is in the scrub room with Callie) Addison: I am being stalked by pregnant women. Callie: You're an obstetrician. Addison: And barren. You know, apparently as a healthy, successful woman in her 30s, I don't deserve to have a baby. Maybe I'd have a fighting chance if were gay or a teenager or a member of the AARP. Callie: Oh, that sucks. It really... Addison: No, Oh, no, not you, too. Callie: Oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm just...I'm thinking about it. That's all. Oh, I don't know. I don't even know. It's just that with George going to Mercy West next year... Addison: He is? Callie: Yeah, they have a spot for him, and we need a fresh start. We need to get away from all this crap. It might be a good time. Addison: It's a great time. Don't let me and my fossilized eggs discourage you. Callie: Are we gonna be friends still if I get pregnant? Addison: Absolutely not. (George walks up to Richard in the hall) George: Hi, chief. Richard: O'Malley, finally coming to see me about that letter from mercy west? George: No, sir. I'm here about Meredith. I have to say, I don't get it. (Callie is in surgery with Cristina, Burke and Dale) Cristina: I have to say I don't get it. Why would anybody waste their time freezing and climbing up the side of a glacier? Burke: It's a way to test yourself, you know, your strength and endurance. You put yourself through a situation like that, and you know exactly who you are, what you're made of. Burke: No. You? Callie: I used to, all the time, in college. Burke: Really? Cristina: Really? Callie: Yeah, it's, intense. I mean, it's painful and hellish, and you think your lungs are shredding, but, man, when you get to the top, there is nothing like it. Makes the whole climb worth it. (She leaves and then enters the surgery where Mark, Izzie and Andy are) Callie: How's it going? Mark: Worse than I thought. There's nothing here. Callie: We're gonna amputate both? Izzie: You can't amputate both of his hands. Isn't the left hand less damaged? Mark: I don't want to take the man's hands, Dr. Stevens. Once the infection gets that deep, the only way to save his life is to make the cut. (Derek is in surgery with Jack) Derek: The patient's laminotomy happens at what level, Dr. O'Malley? George: The level of maximal neural compressions between the pedicles of the fractured vertebrae. Derek: Very good. You must have aced your exam today. George: I don't know about aced. Derek: How did Meredith do? George: Yeah, she was kinda...don't worry, though. I talked to the chief. Derek: About what? George: She didn't tell you? (Alex enters Jane Doe's room where she is pacing the floor) Alex: All right, here's the thing...the Seattle police department's been on this for weeks. They've been in contact with missing persons from all 50 states, Canada, the FBI Jane Doe: Alex... Alex: You know how many people are trying to find you? Jane Doe: Yeah, yes. Alex: That's right. You do know. You know exactly how many relatives you have. You know if your parents are dead or alive. You know if you've got a sister somewhere who cries every day because she has no idea what happened to you. Jane Doe: Stop it. Alex: What do you think it's like for your husband? Jane Doe: He didn't come looking for me, okay? He obviously doesn't want to find me. Besides, it's my life. Alex: No, not just yours. What about your daughter? I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna lie for you. If you're not gonna tell anybody, I will. Jane Doe: What are you gonna say? You don't know my real name. You don't know anything about me. It'll be my word against yours. Alex: You're right. I have absolutely no idea who you are. (He leaves, slamming the door behind him) (George and Izzie are in the scrub room) Izzie: You paged me? George: Yeah. Uh, I think I figured out a way to help Meredith. But I've got Shepherd's post-op, so... I can't do it without your help. And I won't leave the program without, uh, knowing that she's still in it. Izzie: You're not leaving the program. Listen... we made a mistake. We had s*x. But that's all it was. I think we both wanted it to mean something because...you didn't want to have to feel like that guy that cheats on his wife, and I didn't want to have to feel like that girl who put you in that position in the first place. But the truth is... it didn't mean anything. I know you think I have feelings for you, but I don't. So you can stay. You're not leaving the program. (Izzie leaves and then enters a utility room where she begins to cry) (Mark and Callie are walking through the hall) Mark: Nice work...three surgeries at the same time. Callie: I performed four osteosyntheses, amputated two hands and stabilized one spine in two hours. Mark: Impressive. Looks like Bailey's not a shoo-in for chief resident after all. (Bailey walks up) Bailey: Uh, you're in the running for chief resident, too? Callie: Yeah. Why wouldn't I be? Bailey: No. Uh, it makes sense. I just... I hadn't thought about it. That's all. Callie: I'm good at what I do, Bailey. I'm focused, I'm disciplined, I'm...I'm more than qualified to be chief resident. Look, we all know that you're the chief's favorite, but that doesn't mean I can't take a shot. (Izzie escorts Meredith to a conference room where Richard is) Izzie: Here she is. Richard: Thank you, Stevens. You can go now. Izzie: We'll be waiting right outside. Meredith: You don't have to. Izzie: Shut up. Meredith: If you called me here to lecture me... Richard: There's a copy of the intern's exam on the table, some number 2 pencils, a bottle of water and a sandwich if you get hungry. I'll send a proctor in, and I'll come back in a few hours and check on you. Meredith: You are not my father. Richard: I know that. I know. (He hugs her and she breaks down crying) (Derek looks in and sees Meredith taking her test and all her friends are waiting nearby. He is once again left behind.) Alex: Well, at least test day is almost over. Cristina: Speak for yourself. I'm getting married tomorrow. (Seattle scenes) (Joe's bar) Burke: Hey. Addison: Hey. This is what you invited me to? This is your big bachelor party? Derek: It was last-minute. I needed some warm bodies. Mark: Which would explain why I'm here. Addison: Why am I the only girl, by the way? What am I, the entertainment? I am not stripping. Derek: That's okay. We've seen it already. Mark: True. Burke: I haven't. Addison: Yeah, well, why don't I buy you a drink instead? First round's on me. (Mark goes to the bar with her) Mark: I'll give you a hand with those. Derek: Cristina write her vows? Burke: I guess I'll find out tomorrow. How's Meredith doing? Derek: I have no idea. Shouldn't be this difficult, should it? Burke: Probably not. Then again...when I see Cristina walking down that aisle tomorrow... Derek: It'll all be worth it? (Addison and Mark are at the bar) Mark: So how was LA? Addison: LA was...different. Look, Mark... things don't have to be awkward between us. We tried. We tried, and we did our best, and just because we failed as a couple, it doesn't mean... Mark: I know. Addison: So we're still friends? Mark: With benefits? Addison: Don't push it. Mark: Thanks, Joe. Addison: So hey, how'd it go with, uh, Rina? Joe: Oh, well... Walter took her to the bus station, and I'm pretty sure he was wishing it was me he was dropping off. Addison: That bad, huh? Joe: If I can't even make it through an ultrasound without breathing into a paper bag, how am I gonna handle a kid? Forget about twins. Addison: You two are gonna make great parents, okay? Whenever that happens. Joe: You...ever think about having kids? Addison: All the time. (Richard is walking in the hall and sees Adele, she ducks into the women's room) Richard: Adele? Adele. Oh, come on. I know you saw me. Now this is just silly. You don't have to hide. I've moved on. I'm dating now. Okay, I'm not actually dating, but I intend to...at some point. (Cristina's bachlorette party at Meredith's house) Cristina: What the hell am I supposed to do about the stupid vows? Meredith: You still haven't written anything? Cristina: Well, it's stupid crap. Izzie: No, it isn't. Cristina: Well, what am I supposed to say? I swear to love and cherish you every moment of every day of my life? I mean, that's not real. I mean, that's not how it works, right? Callie: It does, at first, but then it... Meredith: It passes. Izzie: No, it doesn't. You guys are just used to it. That's all. You already have it. You have that thing everybody else wants. You can take it for granted. But let me tell you, if you didn't, if you couldn't be with the person that you love, I guarantee that hearing him promise to love you and honor you and cherish you, no matter what, it would be pretty much all you could think about. Cristina: Wait, can you say that again, uh, just slowly? Meredith: You're talking about Denny, right? Izzie: Yeah. (Derek is at the bar when a woman walks up) Woman: Hi. Derek: Hi. Woman: Can I buy you a drink? Derek: You're forward. Woman: Bad day, I get to be forward today. Derek: Yeah, I had a bad day, too. Woman: So what do you say, one drink? Derek: Um... I'm with some friends. It's a bachelor party. So I'm gonna... I'm gonna say no. Woman: That's too bad. Derek: Yeah... maybe you're right. (George is sitting alone in the hall of the hospital) (Jane Doe walks up to Alex who is in the NICU with her baby) Jane Doe: Rebecca Pope. That's my name. (Richard is still outside the bathroom) Richard: Adele! (He enters the bathroom) Adele, come on. Now you've got me in this ladies' room. The least you could do is an...(He sees Adele on the floor) Adele. Oh, my god. (Walter and Rina enter Joe's bar) Joe: What are you doing here? Walter: Sweetie, get Rina some water. Addison: I thought you guys were going to the bus station. Rina: We were. It's this heartburn. It's like it's...it's ripping through...(She falls to the floor)...oh! Addison: Call an ambulance. (Bailey is on the phone) Bailey: Tucker, uh, since he's awake, can you put him on? (An ambulance arrives) Bailey: Let me call you back. (To paramedic) Nicole, what have you got? Paramedic: We got the fourth climber. Pressure's 70s, last pulse 135. Severely hypothermic. Started two large-bore IVs. Oh, and, uh, obvious head trauma. (She pulls back the blanket) Bailey: Is that an axe in his head? What the hell happened up on that mountain? Let's go. (Richard is on the bathroom floor) Richard: Adele. Somebody help me! Please! (He puts his hand into a puddle of Adele's blood) Somebody help. Please, somebody help me!

The five interns finally have to face one of the biggest tests of their careers, which will influence the rest of their lives as surgeons. Meredith is still feeling guilty about her stepmother's death, but feels confident that she will pass the exam, despite warnings from both Cristina and Richard. However, after her father, Thatcher, causes a scene at the hospital, Meredith finds herself unable to focus and doesn't write anything on the exam paper. Meanwhile, George gets accepted in the Mercy West Hospital surgical residency program and has to face a decision which will change his relationship with Izzie forever. Callie's suspicions of her husband's unfaithfulness grow, and is thrilled about George's transfer to a different hospital. Alex learns that Ava's memory has come back, but he becomes infuriated with her after learning that she is not willing to let her family know where she is. Bailey realizes that Callie's chances of becoming Chief Resident have increased considerably, while Burke cannot get Cristina to talk to him about their upcoming wedding. The attending physicians work with three injured mountain climbers who left their friend behind in order to save their own lives. Derek continues to feel pushed out by Meredith, and at Burke's stag party he flirts with another woman. Joe and his boyfriend consider adopting a baby, but things go bad for them when their surrogate mother collapses. Addison makes the shocking discovery that Adele, Webber's wife, is pregnant. Webber eventually bumps into her, but Adele hides in the ladies' bathroom, and when he finally enters he finds her collapsed on the floor.

fd_Merlin_05x02

fd_Merlin_05x02_0

In a land of myth, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man. His name ... Merlin. Precedingly on Merlin... ***Opening Credits*** Ismere Castle in the night. Morgana is sleeping. She does a nightmare, she is enchained with Aithusa in a well. Somebody open the door. Aithusa is growling. Morgana wakes up. Morgana : Aithusa ? Come. Come in. We're safe. No harm can come to us now. Our troubles are all in the past. I promise. The white dragon comes into Morgana's room and put his head on the bed. Morgana : Soon we'll have the Diamair. Soon we'll know Arthur's bane. Camelot will be ours. Snowing place. Arthur and Merlin are prisoners from Ragnor. They walk behind him enchained. Arthur : Remind me, Merlin, how did we end up like this ? Oh yes, you were thinking about your stomach, as usual. I told you it was a trap. Merlin : I told you to go back to Camelot. Arthur : Merlin ! Ragnor : Hold ! Merlin : We can't let them hand us over to Morgana. We need to get out of there, we need a plan. Ragnor down from his horse and shoots Arthur in the stomach. Ragnor : You speak when you're spoken to. (he comes back to his horse) Faster. Camelot courtyard. Gaius comes into Sefa's dungeon. Gaius : Here. Drink this. Sefa : No. Gaius : It will make it easier to bear. Sefa : No, Gaius. You have to help me. Please speak to the queen. Gaius : It will do no good. Sefa : Then let me. Please it's all I ask. Allow me to meet with her. Gaius : I'm just a physician. Sefa : But she listens to you. She trusts you. Please, all I want is to talk with her. If you don't help me Gaius...Please don't let me die. Please. Gaius nods. He leaves. The night outside in the snow. The convoy of prisoner sleeps. Merlin stares at Mordred. Ragnor : What are you gwaping at ? (He takes bread and he gets up) Is this what you want ? (he sends the bread away from Merlin) Catch (laughs) Mordred : Maybe we should feed them. Ragnor : What for ? Mordred : They'll be skin and bones. Ragnor : Morgana wants slaves, not hogs for the fire. Mordred : Then slow the pace. Ragnor : The quicker we get there, the quicker I get my money. Mordred look at Merlin. The creature looks Gwaine sleep when he hears a noise. He goes to hide. Gards approaching. Creature : sceadu hine wreoth. Gwaine is hidding. Tomorrow morning. The prisoner convoy wakes up. Mordred moves toward to Merlin. He gives him bread. Mordred : Do you want them ? Merlin : Why are you doing this ? Mordred : He once saved my life. I owe him a debt. Don't be so quick to judge me. You fear me, Emrys, don't you? I know the hatred and suspicion with which men treat those with magic. You and I are not so different. I, too, have learned to hide my gifts. I promise. You secret is safe with me. Merlin : What's Morgana looking for in Ismere ? Mordred : The Diamair. Merlin : What's that ? Mordred : In the language of my people it means "the key". Merlin : The key to what ? Mordred : The key to all knowledge. Ismere Castle. Throne room. Morgana comes. Morgana : There is still no sign of the Diamair. We're running out of time ! Ruadan : Have faith Morgana. Morgana : Arthur could be on us in days. Ruadan : Or he could be dead. Morgana : No. He escaped. I'm sure of it. Ruadan : Then he would be in Camelot by now. Morgana : You must speak to your spy and discover what Arthur intends to do next ! Ruadan : My lady, Sefa has been arrested. She is sentenced to die. Morgana : That is cruel indeed. You must remember there is no greater glory than giving your life for a cause that is right. Ruadan : She has proved herself to be a worthy daughter. Morgana : It will not be forgotten. I will double the patrol on the border. We will be ready for when Arthur returns. There is nothing more you can do for Sefa. You must make sure her sacrifice was not in vain. Snowing place. Merlin and Arthur are enchains. Arthur fall on his knees. Merlin : Whoa ! Stop ! The convoy stops. Merlin : He needs water. Ragnor moves toward to Arthur. Ragnor : Get up. He kicks Arthur. He helps him to get up and force to face him. Ragnor : Not so much of the great warrior now, are you ? (Chuckles) Merlin : Here. I'll help him. Ragnor go away. Arthur gets up and gives a wink to Merlin. Arthur takes Ragnor's knife. Counsil chamber. Sefa (to the queen) : My Lady. Gueneviere : Sefa. You asked to see me. Sefa : I'm sorry for what I did. Ir was wrong, I know. It was without thinking. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I wouldn't. All I wanted was to help my father. And now I'm condemned to death. Gueneviere : You understand the law, Sefa. I cannot change it. Sefa : Please. I know you have a good heart. A reprieve. I'm begging you. Gueneviere : Men have died. Sefa : I know. I'm sorry. I...I'm so sorry. I did it for my father. It was the only thing he wanted from me. I told him I couldn't, but ... I don't know. He... I wanted to make him happy. To please him. Gueneviere : He used you. Sefa : I know. My Lady, I don't want to die. Gueneviere : There's nothing I can do, Sefa. The sentence stands. Sefa : My Lady. Guards drives Sefa to the dungeons. Gueneviere (to Gaius) : Where is it that I need to sign ? Gaius : Perhaps you should reconsider. The sentence is a harsh one. Gueneviere : The law is clear. Gaius : Sefa was naïve and foolish, but she doesn't deserve to die. Gueneviere : And she won't, Gaius. I have no intention of executing her. My aim is to catch her father. He is the threat of Camelot not the girl. I'm hopping her plight will lure him here. Gaius : Why did you not tell me this ? Gueneviere : Her predicament must remain genuine. If Ruadan has one spy in Camelot, he may have others. And if he has any inkling of this, he will not come. Gaius : It's a dangerous game you're playing my lady. Gueneviere : Wars cannot be won without taking risks, Gaius. Gaius : The execution is set. What happens if Ruadan doesn't appear ? Gueneviere : Sefa is his daughter. I have to believe that he will. Snowing place. Arthur cut his ties and dropping the goods. Ragnor : Who did this ? WHO ! Arthur glance at Merlin. Merlin : We need to rest. Ragnor dismount from his horse. Ragnor : Right. You can rest. Forever ! He unsheathes his sword. Arthur begin to fight with him. Merlin : Ga on wuda ! Merlin and Arthur leaves. They stop in front of a precipice. Merlin : You've got to be joking. Arthur : Do you have a better solution ? Arthur jump across. Arthur : We haven't got all day Merlin ! Merlin jump accross. Merlin : I'll make sure they can't get across. Arthur : Merlin ! Merlin breaks the edge of the ice precipice. Merlin : Feall ! The edge is broken and stop Mordred. Arthur arms his weapon on Mordred. They looks at each other and Arthur put the weapon down. Mordred leaves. Merlin : Why did you spare his life ? Arthur : He couldn't come after us. Merlin : He was leading us to our deaths ! Arthur : He showed us kindness. Merlin : You should have killed him ! Arthur : What's wrong with you ? Merlin : You had the chance. Arthur : We escape, didn't we ? Merlin : Next time we might not be so lucky. Arthur : I love your optimism. Come on. We need to keep moving. Cavern. Gwaine wakes up and see the creature. He's afraid. Creature : You have nothing to fear. You wounds are not yet healed. Gwaine : You. You saved me. Thank you. Creature : I know that you are worthy of my help. Gwaine : I don't understand. Creature : You think kindness is the preserve of humans ? Gwaine : I've never seen a creature like you before. Creature : No. Gwaine : Who are you ? Creature : I have been called many things by the children of men. I am the last of my kind. Once, we were revered by all. But those days are long gone. For hundreds of years, we were shunned and hunted till I found myself alone. And now, even this large refuge is safe no more. You are weak, fair knight. You must rest and heal yourself. Gwaine sleep again. In the forest by night. Ruadan appears and go to the Camelot. He comes inside the castle, broke a window and come in. A knight see him and stop. Knight : Reveal yourself. Ruadan kill the knight. He comes inside the dungeon. Ruadan : Onluce the. Dungeon's door is opening. Ruadan (to Sefa) : Come on. Gueneviere is in her bedroom whereas the bell is ringing. Knight Leon comes. Gueneviere : Is it Ruadan ? Leon : Almost certainly. Ruadan arrives at the exit door. Ruadan : Onluce the. The door is opening. Elyan see them escaped. Elyan : There ! Give yourselves up. There's no escape. A battle begin. Ruadan is wounded. Sefa : Father ! Ruadan : Bael onbryne ! A fire begin and Ruadan escaped with Sefa. Inside the forest. Ruadan : I need water. Sefa bring him water. Sefa : Father. Ruadan : The fight must continue. Sefa : You must cure yourself. Ruadan : I do not have such powers. Sefa : Try. Please. Ruadan writes something on a paper. Ruadan : Cum-eh mech. Href-n-wan ! A raven comes. Ruadan (to Sefa) : Attach this to the bird. Sefa does this. Ruadan : You've done very well. You should be proud. Sefa... Sefa : You can't leave me. Ruadan : You must be strong. Sefa : Father please. Ruadan : I will always love you. Ruadan die. Sefa escapes. The raven arrives at Morgana. Ruadan (on the paper) : I bring bad tidings. Arthur did not return to Camelot. He makes his way to Ismere. But you must not despair, Morgana. Soon you will have the Diamair and Arthur's bane will be in your grasp. Soon, the Pendragons Will be no more. In the snow. Arthur : You know what they say, Merlin. Appearances can be deceiving. Merlin : Not in this case. They look at the Ismere castle. Gaius's room. He examines Ruadan's body. Gaius finds a paper inside a locket. Gueneviere (to Gaius) : What is it ? Gaius : I believe it's a prayer. Gueneviere : Can you read it ? Gaius ? Gaius : I'm no expert in the Druidic runes. Gueneviere : Please I know you too well. Gaius : It's call for victory over the enemies of the Old Religion. Gueneviere : I thought the Druids were a peaceful people. Gaius : For the most part there are. But for some, the Great Purge changed that. They blame Uther for their suffering. Gueneviere : But he's long been dead. Gaius : Some believe that Arthur's not different from his father. Sorcery is still outlawed. For them, little has changed. Gueneviere : So Ruadan believed it was his sacred duty to fight my husband. Gaius : More than that. There are those who believe Arthur is destined to die by a Druid's hand. Perhaps Ruadan thought he was this man. Gueneviere : Well, then he was mistaken. Oustide. Mordred and the convoy arrives to Ismere. Merlin et Arthur are spying. Merlin : I told you, you should have killed him when you had the chance. We'll never make it in there. Arthur : There is always a way, Merlin. Merlin et Arthur are in the sewer. Merlin : How did you talk me into this ? Arthur : Genius Merlin. Merlin progress inside the sewer and a pile of junk falls in front of him. He look back to Arthur. Merlin : Genius ? Arthur : You've got a bit of, erm... carrot in your hair. At least I hope it's carrot. Arthur : Ready ? Merlin : For what ? Arthur : Our carriage awaits. In the cavern. Slaves are working. Arthur and Merlin get out from a trolley. Merlin : It's crawling with Saxons. Arthur : Make sure we blend in. Merlin : Arthur ! Ismere's courtyard. Ragnor : Let the Lady Morgana see for herself. Morgana look outside the window and recognize Mordred. Ragnor : I'll get twice that in the market in Asgorath. She comes out and move foward Mordred. Ragnor : My lady. I am grateful for this opportunity. I have brought you eight of the finest... Morgana look at him badly and he shuts up. Morgana : Mordred. Mordred smile at her. [SCENE_BREAK] The cavern. Arthur founds Perceval. Percival : Arthur. Arthur : Didn't think we'd just leave you here ? Where are the others ? Percival : They're...scattered around. Arthur : Gwaine ? Percival : I saw him a couple of days ago but... Arthur put a sword inside Percival's trolley. Arthur : See if you can use it to find some more. Merlin : Arthur. Arthur : Do what you can to free the others. We'll find Gwaine. Arthur and Merlin look after Gwaine. Percival push the trolley. He whistles after the guard. The guard approaches. Percival : In there. He comes over and Percival knocks him. Ismere's castle. Modred is eating with Morgana. Morgana : I feared you were dead. It's dangerous for those of us with magic. Mordred : It's not been easy. Morgana : For any of us. Mordred : Sorcery frightens people. Even some of those who claim to support it. Morgana : You see a lot. Mordred : I've learned to. I had to. If I was not to be burned at the stake or exploited for another man's gain. Morgana : Attitudes will change soon. The Old Religion will reign once more. There'll be nothing to fear once Arthur and his kind are cleansed from the Earth. Mordred : You know, we had Arthur in our grasp. He escaped. Morgana : Who let him go ? Mordred : He go away. Morgana : How ? Who let him go ? Mordred : He was an accident. Morgana : Kill him ! That's all they had to do. I am a high priestess, I have the power of the heavens in my hand and yet he continues to defy me ! Mordred : Calm yourself. Morgana : I want his annihilation, Mordred. I want to put his head on a spike and watch as the crows feast on his eyes. The bell rings. Morgana : Arthur. In the cavern. The creature wakes up Gwaine. Creature : You must wake. Gwaine : What is that ? Creature : The warning bell. Gwaine : Where are they coming from ? Don't worry. No one's going to harm you. He launched an attack but is stopped by Arthur. Arthur : Trust you not to be doing any work. Gwaine : It's about time. Merlin approaches the creature. Gwaine : There's friends. Good friends. Merlin looks and creature goes. Arthur : What was that ? Gwaine : I'm not exactly sure. But I owe it my life. Percival and the knights attacking guards in the cave. Merlin : Something's wrong. The Saxons. Where have they all gone ? Arthur : First, there are too many, now there aren't enough. Are you ever happy ? Merlin hears grunting away. Merlin : What was that ? Arthur : What ? The wind begins to blow. Merlin : Feel the wind. A growl is heard. Gwaine : That wasn't the wind. Aithusa appears and chases them. They escape. Gwaine : Was that what I think i twas ? Arthur : Where did Morgana get a dragon from ? Merlin : I have no idea. Get Gwaine back to Percival. I'll lure the dragon the other way. Arthur : Merlin, I've always known you were stupid, but not that stupid. Merlin : I really am that stupid. If you don't believe me, watch. Arthur : Merlin ! Merlin leaves. Arthur : I'm going after him. Merlin finds the dragon hissing. Merlin approaches. Merlin : Aithusa. Aithusa attacks him breathing fire. Merlin : Nün de ge dei s'eikein kai amois epe'essin hespethal. Aithusa calms. Merlin : What happened ? Who did this to you ? I won't harm you. The dragon growls. Merlin : What does that mean ? You can't speak. Arthur : Merlin ? Merlin : Go. Aithusa growls. Merlin : Ithi ! Aithusa leaves. Arthur : Merlin ? Merlin ? Morgana appears. Morgana : How good of you to save me the trouble of finding you. Arthur tries to take his sword. Morgana : Oh, dear. How remiss of you. You bravery is matched only by your stupidity. What on earth dis you think you would achieve by coming here ? Arthur : I'm here to free my men. Morgana : Fleoge seax forth ! She send a knife to Arthur and wounds him. Morgana : This time, it seems there really is no way out. Arthur : I'm sorry about what our father did to you. Morgana : Uther was never my father. Arthur : We are brother and sister. Morgana : Funny how you choose to remember that with my dagger at your back. Arthur : What happened to you, Morgana ? As a child, you were so kind. So compassionate. Morgana : I grew up. She wounds him a second time. Morgana : You're right to cover before my hand. I am more powerful than you could ever imagine. Arthur : And yet with all that, you choose to do nothing but hate. Morgana : Uther taught me well. Goodbye Arthur Pendragon. Merlin : Arthur ! Morgana sees Merlin and thrown into the air. He knocks in falling. Arthur : Morgana. Mordred walks behind Morgana. Arthur : Please. Morgana knocks Arthur. Morgana : Don't speak dear brother. Merlin is ready to make magic. Morgana : I's too late. Hine fordo ! Morgana gasps. Mordred stabbed Morgana. Morgana : Mordred ? Mordred helps Arthur to get up. Merlin is still on the ground. Gwaine, Percival and the others found Arthur and Mordred. Percival : Arthur. The creature approached Merlin. Creature : Ic the thurhaele thinu licsar. Merlin wakes up. Creature : Emrys. Lie still. Much blood has been shed this day. All all for something, few wise men would ever want. Merlin : You mean the Diamair. Morgana never found it. Creature : And she never will. Merlin : Because it is you. You are the key to all knowledge. There are times when I feel the weight of my destiny crushing me, but that's nothing to what you carry. Creature : It is both a blessing and a curse. Is there anything you wish to ask me ? Merlin : No. I don't think it would be good. Creature : You are wise Emrys. Your wisdom will live long in the minds of men. Merlin : Wait. There is one question. If Mordred is not Arthur's bane, then who is ? Creature : Himself. Camelot. Throne room. Arthur : Arise Sir Mordred, knight of Camelot. Everybody applause. Mordred comes out of the throne room. Merlin : Here. Let me help you with that. Mordred : Thank you. Merlin : You know, if Arthur knew you had magic, things would be very different. Tell me something. Mordred : Of course. Merlin : You saved Arthur's life. Why ? Mordred : Because Arthur is right. The love that binds us is more important than the power we wield. Morgana had forgotten that. Merlin leaves. Gaius's room. Gaius : It's been a big day. You must be tired. Too tired for pudding. Merlin : Is there pudding ? Is that my favourite ? Gaius : So, are you going to tell me what's troubling you ? Merlin : Mordred. Gaius : People change. Perhaps you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Merlin : Remember what the dragon said ? Arthur would meet his end at the hands of a Druid. Gaius : You still believe that's him. Merlin : I feel that the die is cast. And that for good or ill, Albion's great trial has begun. Snowing place, Morgana wanders injured.

Merlin is troubled by Mordred's reappearance, despite the kindness the latter shows to both Merlin and Arthur. After escaping from the Saxons, Merlin and Arthur continue their journey to Morgana's tower in Ismere, while Mordred travels with the Saxons on the same path. In the tower, Arthur and Merlin disguise themselves as Saxons, but Arthur is intercepted by Morgana. Merlin attempts to save him but is incapacitated. Mordred ultimately saves Arthur in an unexpected turn of events. He is then knighted in Camelot, but Merlin is still wary of him.

fd_High_Maintenance_04x09

fd_High_Maintenance_04x09_0

WOMAN (OVER PA): Sorry to announcement to passengers on Delta Flight 4251 to Atlanta. The flight has been delayed due to bad weather conditions. The flight crew has arrived at the gate, and the ground crew will be deicing the wings of the aircraft... Here you go. Happy Holidays. Thanks. WOMAN: Just what I need. Thank you. Here you go. Happy... Oh. Happy Holi... Get a real job. I need a real job, too. Thank you. I said I wouldn't, but that edible really kicked in. I don't get it. I mean, it looks fine outside, but they're saying there's a Nor'easter with a bomb cyclone in New York. Don't say bomb in the airport. I mean, okay, but they're not gonna let us, like, fly out in that, right? I don't know. I don't think you should be reading those weather apps, man. They're trying to sensationalize to draw ad traffic. Yeah. Well, not all of us can just, like, get stoned and check out like you can. Oh yeah. (MUMBLES): Yeah, yeah, yeah. (SIGHS) You got any more classic quotes from your dad? Um, no, they all sound the same. Yeah, I'm sure they do. WOMAN (OVER PA): We regret to inform you that American flight 1487 with service to Phoenix Sky Harbor International is canceled. (CROWD GROANING) Hell yeah. Cancel culture wins again. What, you didn't wanna go? I mean, I'm not trying to get on a plane in the first place, let alone one that's going into a bomb cyclone. Well, you just said bomb. (HUSHED): We gotta stop saying bomb. (PHONE BLOOPS) Okay, here's the plan. I say we go back to my place in Brooklyn, and that way, you don't have to go all the way back uptown just to come back downtown tomorrow morning. I mean, I can just meet you back here tomorrow, that's also fine. You could just also see my new place, meet my new dog. No? It'll be fun. You're just gonna go to your dorm and spend the night alone? Yeah, hopefully. Come on. We'll go to my place, we'll do a little Hanukkah thing. We'll make latkes. We make matzo ball soup. ILANA: I don't know. Oh, I know. I like this plan. I like it a latke. ILANA: Uh-huh. Stop. ♪ Oh, I like latkes, lots of latkes ♪ (FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING) WOMAN (OVER RADIO): Merry Christmas. It's gonna be... (INDISTINCT CHATTER) WOMAN: No, grab all three! She wanted the whole pack. Hey. DESTINY: Don't pet that cat. Why? Is it diseased? DESTINY: (SCOFFS) I can't with you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, please pass the empty baskets back once you're done with them. Thanks so much. Enjoy your day! (DESTINY GRUMBLING) (BABY CRYING) (PHONE RINGING) PAM-ANNE: You need help? DESTINY: Oh. I got it, I got it, I got it. (BABY CRYING) Aw, hey! DESTINY: ¿Hablas inglés? Okay, hi. We have a reservation for four nights starting tonight, but our connecting flight in was canceled due to weather here in New York. We'll be on the first flight tomorrow, but are we out the money we paid for tonight? (QUIETLY): I would yell. I'm not gonna yell. Why can't we stay in a hotel? Because I pay rent here. And why is it called a crash pad? That's a terrible name. Oh, I don't know. Well, at least I can meet some of your friends. Girl, I don't know these people! PAM-ANNE: What? Isn't everybody Delta? DESTINY: Pam, I don't know! Stop! THE GUY: Your sister visited my last apartment, but you're the first one in the family who's actually ever been here, so welcome. Did you just leave that burning? Oh. No, that's the, uh, the dog-sitter, it looks like. Stupid. Yeah. Okay, that makes two. Can I take your coat? Yeah. Um, did, uh, Dad tell you that Margaret died? No. I'm sorry. She was such a good dog. I know. She was old. She was, like, 16, but it was still definitely sad. Yeah, it happens. (SIGHS) So, this is the house that weed built. This is a carriage house built by a Dutchman in the 1800s, most likely, but I can afford it because it doesn't have a certificate of occupancy, so, shh! Hmm. And you'll be staying here. Mm. No one's ever slept up there. It's fun. I do not know about going up and down this ladder. The ladder's safe. Okay, but you just said no one's slept up there before, so how would you know? I don't know. Uh, yeah. Oh! You know what? I joined this community garden this year. It was a really good summer. I made pickles. I made all these pickles. I grew all of this food. Do you want a pickle? Do you want... Take any one. Um, I don't really do pickles. Well, do you do Judaism? 'Cause that's part of it. And then I got plant world over here. This is money tree. It's hard to kill. Dracaena. I'm even growing some stuff. Check this out. This is a sesame. I just dropped in a f*cking sesame seed. (DOOR SLAMS, MAN GRUNTS) ILANA: Cool. Oh! Hey! You're gonna love this. CHAD: Hello? Here's my little baby! Oh! (FOMO GROWLS) (HIGH-PITCHED): Nice to see you! Ilana, this is Fomo. Hello, Fomo. THE GUY: Hey. Hey. How are you, my baby? I'm sorry about your flight. Oh, I'm not. It's okay. Uh, Chad, this is Ilana. Ilana, this is Chad. He's my, uh... Chad. ILANA: Hello. That's nice. Hello. THE GUY: Yeah. So, you live in Arizona? No, I live, uh, here. Yeah, she's going to Barnard. CHAD: Mm! I know of it. THE GUY: Yeah. Aw, she likes you, Ilana. CHAD: You like living here? Um, it's fine. (FOMO WHINES) She doesn't really go below 110th Street. Why would you? ILANA: That's true, yes. CHAD: Oh, I'm glad I got you here. Um, I have some preemptive concerns about your babies in the closet. Uh, let's... (ILANA CLEARS THROAT) ... talk about that over here. Oh. Okay. ILANA: So cute. I think you might have spider mites. No... Yeah. This "mite" be a problem. (THE GUY CHUCKLES) THE GUY: Where? CHAD: See what I'm saying? Well, under here, I think these are little webs... THE GUY: That's impossible, man. I f*cking sprayed it with an insecticide. This isn't supposed to... CHAD: Okay, I mean, I'm not a doctor, but I think... Hi. These are weed plants. Mm. Cool. Yeah, just keep breaking the law. THE GUY: Uh... I'm gonna go to the bathroom. It's almost legal, though, truly. Fomo, are you coming with me? THE GUY (QUIETLY): So, that's my narc side of the family. Her dad is, like, a total f*ckin' narc. He actually told on somebody at the Tom Petty concert for smoking weed. This is your brother? Yeah. Like, during that "Roll Another Joint" song, like... What tour was that? [SCENE_BREAK] (TRAIN CLATTERING) They haven't canceled anything tomorrow yet, so maybe. (MAN SHOUTING OVER PHONE) JENNIE: I don't know, honey. Snow is snow. MAN: Baby, relax. HOLLY: You know, you're bossy. Merry Christmas. (CHUCKLES) Happy Holidays. Nice spread. (CHUCKLES) Yes. (CHUCKLES) MAN (OVER VIDEO): ... of your past, Scrooge. (MAN SPEAKING IN GERMAN) HOLLY: No, no. That's not what I said. Pay attention. (KNOCKS) DESTINY: One second. PAM-ANNE: Let me in. I don't know anybody here. DESTINY: I need a minute! (MAN LAUGHING) (PACKAGE RUSTLES) (LAUGHING) MAN: Hey! Merry Christmas! Oh, happy Christmas! Happy Christmas! Oh, can I get the opener? Oh, please! Yeah, help yourself! Hey. You guys ready to go? Like this? Are you joking? D'ANDRE: What? I haven't even showered. I've gotta shave me legs. LUCY: We'll follow you, okay? Where you guys gonna go? Austin's Ale House. LUCY: The only place that's open. All right. Have a good night. LUCY: We can catch up at the airport. No, it's IROP. There's nothing they can do about it. (SIGHS) Oh, I know. Tell her, tell her, I'll be home soon, and Annie May, don't... Some folks are going to a place called Austin's. Okay. We should go! It could be fun! Hey, that's my bed. Sorry. JENNIE: I was gonna wrap it as soon as I got there. Can you, can you do it? Wrap it and hide it from him? Why you locking up your rings? We don't know who's here. It's New York City. ROCHELLE: Yeah... (SCOFFS) I'm gonna steal your rings. JENNIE: ... birthday paper and Christmas paper. PAM-ANNE: I feel weird being here. Can we please get a hotel room? Or an Airbnb? No, Pam. I'm not spending extra money after I've already paid for this. DESTINY: Excuse me, do you know if all of these beds are taken? Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry, they are. Okay, well, you can have my bed, and I'll just take the couch. No, you can take the bed. I'll take the couch. You could at least pretend to fight me on that. Damn. I'm gonna need you to be real quiet, ladies. Thank you. (WHISPERS): I'm freezing... ROCHELLE: Shh! MARTIN: But don't tell him. LAERKE: You should Google it. MARTIN: I should... LAERKE: Yeah. No, it's serious. I mean, the system crashed. They wanted to books us like four to five to a room. (SIGHS) f*ck me. MARTIN: I swear, there were, like, six beds here when I texted. It's fine. (SIGHS) I can sleep on my yoga mat. Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! I've got some mulled wine for you ladies here. Yes. Here you go. Cinnamon. This is nuts! All the hotels are booked except Trump. What are you finding? I'm still looking. MARTIN: How about you? LAERKE: Sicily. Yoga retreat. Oh! That's some Chopped sh1t! I do my best with what I got, honey. Ha, merry Christmas! Mm-hmm, merry Christmas! I'm Pam, and this is my sister Destiny. I'm Cesar. The two of you sisters? That's so cute. Where's your wine? Oh, no, love. I'm sober. But I like to watch. (LAUGHS) I got you. Mm-hmm. So, where were you supposed to be today, Cesar? Oh, I was supposed to fly to Nashville to see my boyfriend, Ephraim, but he got rerouted to Charlotte. It's a whole mess. Aw! Well, maybe you can get there tomorrow. Oh, I don't know, honey, you know? They're talking about winds all night and all morning, and more snow. I-I just don't know. Hey, let me get you some mulled wine. Tell me your name again. JENNIE: No, no, I'm good. Uh, Jennie. I'm Cesar. f*ck it. I'll book the Trump. Don't judge me. ♪♪ ROCHELLE: I dump anything that goes to PSP. Hey, no offense about that. Oh no, f*ck Palm Springs. And he was putting Bailey's in his coffee. Oh no. They did a Breathalyzer right on the jet bridge. Oh, that's so stupid. Austin's is closed. It's the end of the bloody world out there. I love your outfit, my God. Thank you. I like it, too. Ours is so boring. I wish we had something cute like a ribbon. You really trying to tie your hair up in a ribbon every day? Yes. (KALEN LAUGHING) Hello. WOMAN: You look cute. Good luck to you too. What's in here? It's a bedroom. The lady who owns this apartment. Is she here? KALEN: I mean, I've been here for a month and I ain't seen her yet. Oh. THE GUY: Did you see Chernobyl? ILANA: I did. Really good show. Yeah? It's very crazy that we almost f*cked up, like, almost everything in that one town. I mean, they did f*ck up everything. THE GUY: Yeah, but it... you know, like, nature still bounced back from Chernobyl, right? We won't survive, but the Earth will. Kind of beautiful, I guess. It's very beautiful. (TRADITIONAL CHINESE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS) How are those working for you? Um, yeah. I mean, so far so good. It's, like, the best combo they've found for me, so... Great. You do talk therapy with it, too? Um, yeah. I still talk to the woman I was seeing in high school. Really? On the phone. That's very lucky, man. I don't know if I would say I'm lucky. I don't know, man. If I had, like, a f*cking therapist in high school, I would've been... Not a stoner? (INHALES) Uh... Maybe so. This soup is f*ckin' the sh1t. Dude, this soup is f*ckin' awesome, right? I mean, it's fine. I like it. It's just, like, not the best I've ever had. Well, give me top three soups. Go. Um... chicken noodle... Mm-hmm. matzo ball... That's basically chicken noodle, more or less. And then like egg drop, probably. I should've ordered that. Maybe next time. I like a lentil soup. Next time. Lentils make me gassy. Well... you got "lentil illness". (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) I'm sorry. (PHONE BUZZING) Right. Runs in the family. Oh, speaking of, it's your dad. Hello, Lewis. LEWIS (OVER PHONE): Hi. Stay on the line... Hi, sorry about that. THE GUY: Uh-huh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. LEWIS: Why are you guys in Brooklyn Heights? I thought you lived in Bedford-Stuyvesant. Wait. Wait, hold on, hold on. Are you... Are you f*cking tracking us, dude? Chill. We're at dinner. Well, I just know you're always on the clock, so I don't know what you're doing. You know, maybe, maybe you're working. No, we're at dinner, dude. Okay, fine. I'm waiting on the phone with the airline, but I found a flight out of Newark at noon tomorrow, which I think I'm just... No, please don't. Please stop. - So, I'm gonna book it, and I suggest you show up three hours early - because I... Dude, no, no, no. Stop, stop. First of all, you lost me at Newark. And second, we can get there five hours early tomorrow, man. It doesn't matter. The weather's all f*cked up. We can't go anywhere. (LEWIS SIGHS) You know, I-I can't say I'm comfortable with you guys staying at your place. Why not? - Are you serious? Do we need to talk about... (GROANS) What? I didn't know we were at the Tom Petty concert again. What? Who's Tom Petty? You narced on me, bro. ILANA: Oh, f*ck! f*ck! THE GUY: Oh, it's okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. ILANA: No, oh my God. It happens all the time. No, no, no. I can't. (PATRONS CHATTERING) THE GUY: ♪ Don't let the light go out ♪ ILANA: That is not helpful. THE GUY: ♪ It's lasted for so many years ♪ (ILANA GROANS) ELLIE: Is that the power out? It is really coming down out there. (PAM-ANNE GROANS) ROCHELLE: Reminds me of spreading my mom's ashes. (CAMERA CLICKS) (PHONE BLOOPS) (MUFFLED CHATTER) (ZIPPING) (CHATTER, LAUGHTER) (KNOCKING SOFTLY) D'ANDRE: I did not believe in Santa Claus. We're Muslim, but, in all fairness, my mom put up a tree, a little, small, little tree, little Charlie Brown little... woo... Oh! My family is super Catholic and super strict. I don't know them anymore. But we always had a huge tree, and I would love to go to Christmas Eve service. JENNIE: Mm. Mm-hmm. I go to Hillsong... Isn't that the Justin Bieber church? Yes. He came to service once. KALEN: I don't "belieb". But... but, I-I'm a Christian. I'm on the path, but I don't respect what your family did to you, and I don't respect how people are treating you. God is God. Christians in the US, they don't believe in, um, science, right? Science was my favorite subject in school. (LAUGHS) Um, I just don't really talk about it with Caleb very much 'cause it's... he's very, um... But climate change is not a hoax. We are killing the planet. Girl, it's crazy. We've got, like, what? Maybe 30 years left? I think 20s. (MURMURING) JENNIE: Yeah, and he eventually wants to have, like, several children, and I'm just, like... CESAR: What? ... I don't know how you could wanna bring a child into this world the way things are going. HOLLY: The f*ck I'm bringin' a baby into this shite! CESAR: Thank you. KALEN: That's right. I mean, you basically enlisting your child into the water wars. Nah, forget that. This world is f*cked. Yeah. MAN: I am so glad I'm not a young person. PAM-ANNE (SQUEALS): sh1t! (CHATTERING STOPS) I think I got it! (EXCITED CHATTERING) MAN: I've got dibs on the bed. KALEN: Working over there the whole time! I was wondering what happened to her. Y'all not gonna have that lady mad... Wait, wait, wait. (DOOR CREAKING) (SCREAMING) What is that?! HOLLY: Is that a doll? CESAR: That is some... There we go! Look at that. (EXCITED CHATTER) This is nice! CESAR: What is that? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) CESAR: Girl, we don't want your soup. [SCENE_BREAK] THE GUY AND ILANA: ♪ Baruch atah Adonai ♪ ♪ Eloheinu melech ha'olam... ♪ I'm gonna go low. (IN BASS): ♪ Asher kid'shanu ♪ (ILANA LAUGHS) BOTH: ♪ B'mitzvotav ♪ ♪ V'tzivanu l'hadlik ner ♪ ♪ Shel Hanukkah ♪ ♪ Amen ♪ ♪ Let's eat donuts ♪ (LAUGHS) I feel like we should wait 'cause what if we leave tomorrow... Well, we might just have to eat donuts tomorrow, too. Come sit soft. Do you know that term, "sit soft"? ILANA: Yeah. Hey, bud. THE GUY: You don't want yours? Um... no. I'm okay. You were in NFTY, right? Yeah. And is it still just a... Jewish hookup venue? Um... (LAUGHS) I mean, NFTY wasn't that necessarily, but Birthright definitely was, like, just that. Wow. Did you? Me? No. No. No? No. You know, I was supposed to go on Birthright. Really? Did you... Why didn't you? I don't know, man. That plane ride, the politics. You keep in touch with your friends from NFTY? Uh, I didn't make any friends at NFTY. I just went 'cause my mom and dad said I had to. Yeah. What about your friends from school? Um... Do you still talk to them on, like, Instagram or whatever? I don't use social media. Really? That's impressive. I mean, I feel like I'm, like, messed up enough already, and social media would just make it worse. You're not messed up. I-I have accepted that I am, and it's just, like, something that runs in our family. It just sucks that I got stuck with the Uncle Jonah gene. Oh, I thought I got stuck with the Uncle Jonah gene. I think it's kind of bullshit, man. Like, any time any person in the Mann family is going through a hard time... and all of a sudden, there's this boogeyman of Uncle Jonah and his mental illness that hangs over us and it makes us feel like what we're feeling is wrong. Yeah. Everyone just says that I remind them of him. I want you to eat that donut. (LAUGHS) I'll take a donut. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. I just... I feel like my parents are scared of me, and I don't even know what they would be scared of, but, eh... Here's what I found in the past 15 years, since I've been gone. Is that all of the people that our family said was weird, or, like, f*cked up, are just kind of normal people, and they just don't match with our family's version of normal. You know? Yeah. Yeah. They're very judgy. [SCENE_BREAK] Yeah. Why do you think I said I worked at Vimeo for all those years? Did you not? No! (ILANA LAUGHS) No. I had a client who I used to deliver to who worked there, and I thought the building was cool, but no. And guess what? I'm f*ckin' good. I'm happy. I really like what's going on. (SIGHS) Until I tell anything about my actual life to those people, and then I'm made to feel like I'm not fine, and I'm told that I'm not fine. Yeah, I can relate to that. Yeah, I'm sure. But you know what? There's nothing wrong with us. We're not broken, and we don't need to be fixed. We're all just, just trying to maintain, and we each got our own way of doin' it. This is the most Hanukkah-Hanukkah I've ever had. Look at all these f*cking candles. It's like way too much Hanukkah. "The Festival of Lights". (LAUGHS) You ever listen to Adam Sandler? I just love that song. Like, he doesn't have anything else... Hmm. ... but he's so proud of his drumming... Mm. ... and they love his song. PAM-ANNE: Yeah. Are you tearing up over "Little Drummer Boy"? That's sweet. (HUMMING "SILENT NIGHT") PAM-ANNE: Come on, it's Christmas. She loves it. I just feel like if you're gonna meet Jesus, you know, learn how to play a lute or something. ♪ All is calm ♪ ♪ All is... ♪ (HUMS) PAM-ANNE: Friends! (LAUGHING) Can I just say thank you for letting me crash at your crash pad. I know I'm not one of you guys, but I just wanna say that if I'm ever on any one of your flights, then maybe you can hook a sister up? (ALL LAUGHING) Okay, it's still $20 for me. (LAUGHTER, CHATTER) I need money. PAM-ANNE: We were trying not to do Christmas this year. My daughter, she's studying abroad. My... husband's not my husband anymore. Oh, I'm sorry. And Destiny never does anything nice for herself, so we said, why don't we go snorkel? SYD: Yes! Go snorkel, bitch! (MURMURING APPROVAL) MAN: Water wings on, girl. CESAR: Don't scuba. So, God willing... - Inshallah... (LAUGHTER) 'Cause you're Muslim. ... we will be on a plane tomorrow and go see about some fish. Yes! Woo! KALEN: I'll drink to that. HOLLY: Happy Christmas. And I am gonna go see about a man! (LAUGHTER) You didn't say that! You didn't say that. MARTIN: He lives there? He runs a diving school. (EXCITED MURMURING) KALEN: He got money. He got money. I'm sorry, what? (CHATTERING STOPS) What? We met on Instagram. We've been DMing for a few months. Is that why you wanted to go on this trip? So you can meet some guy from Instagram? Uh... What did I do? CESAR: Nothing. People get jealous when other people are having s*x. It happens to me all the time. You know, I watched something, right, about these men, and they... and they claim to be veterans, and they, and they screw lonely women out of all their money. LUCY: Yeah, I saw that. You'll be snorkeling for catfish if you're not careful. (LAUGHS) I'm only messing! But he didn't ask you for any gift cards or anything, did he? ROCHELLE: 'Cause that's a sign of a scam. (MURMURING) (NOISY CHATTER, LAUGHTER) (CANS CLATTERING) CESAR: Oh my God... HOLY: sh1t! LUCY: Water? That's okay. Water? PAM-ANNE: Who's he? ELLIE: I don't know. He just walked in and asked me for a coffee. That's my bed. Oh... Trash? (CANS RATTLING) (DOOR CREAKS) [SCENE_BREAK] (PHONE BLOOPS) (INHALES) (EXHALES) (PHONE BLOOPS) [SCENE_BREAK] (CHUCKLES) Okay. (DOOR OPENS) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Hello? I'm sorry, I don't have a place to go. Shh! (WHISPERING): Oh, uh... I don't have a place to go because when you said I could stay here, then I sublet my room. I would hate to, like, put him out. It's okay. I just don't want to interrupt on your family time. Ah, it's fine. Thank you. Merry Christmas. Holly jolly. Hm, hm, hm. (COUGH) So, you got a flight tomorrow or something? (INHALES) No. We couldn't get one, so we're gonna leave in a couple days, but you can still stay here. Thank you. (SIGHS) I don't wanna go. So don't go. (THE GUY SNORTS) Hmm. I guess I could do anything. CHAD: Sure. CORA: ♪ We make joy ♪ ♪ Now, in this fest ♪ ♪ In quo... ♪ ♪ Jesus ♪ ♪ Natus est... ♪ Oh, no. I can't sing that one with you. Oh! Aya! (LAUGHING) Medieval. Medieval. DESTINY: Hi. Merry Christmas. DESTINY: Merry Christmas. Thanks for the cigarette. CORA: Oh, better you than me. (PAM-ANNE LAUGHS) Look, if you burn this building down... I'm not gonna burn the building down. It's too cold out. Where'd you get that coat, and that hat? Upstairs. Okay, well, we need to get that back up there. (SIGHS) I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him. It's okay. I'm sorry I reacted that way. It's just, uh, (SIGHS)... It's been hard. I know. It's been real hard. I'm having a hard time. And it's Christmas. I know. You should meet him. (CHUCKLES) No. I probably shouldn't. And he did get a gift card out of me. He's not the reason why I was excited about the trip. I'm pregnant. What? When did you find out? (SIGHS) Just now. I just took the test. Oh my God! Shh! (LAUGHING): Yes! God, I didn't know you were trying! Well, we weren't really. (LAUGHS) I'm so happy for you! (LAUGHS) I'll have to stop working. Good! You work too much. And they were all talking about bringing babies into the world and how everything's about to be on fire... Oh, honey, burn up with that baby. (LAUGHING) So, did you tell Kirk? No, I'll... I'll call him in the morning. Wait. You told me first? (SIGHS) Wow. (LAUGHS) This is such an exciting time. When you first find out, it's... (HYDRAULIC HISSING) (SCREAMING) Jesus! Okay, wait! ("JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING) See? I just, uh... Oh! My nerves... (SIGHS) DESTINY: I can't with this building. I need to get out of here. SANTA: Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! THE GUY: Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right, all right, I did it. I gave up my seat. Told them I'm having a personal emergency, so, you know, the truth. Someone is absolutely gonna call me out for this vest. Dude, it's kosher. She's registered to you. All right. Don't stress. I mean, I'm stressed that you haven't picked anywhere yet. That's part of the fun. (MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA) Oh, what about Tokyo? It's pretty cold there. I feel like you'd need to buy, like, way warmer clothes than you brought. Yeah, I think I want somewhere warm. Yeah. Uh, I mean, you should definitely stay somewhere south of the equator then. (GASPS) New Zealand! Mordor! Wow. That's awesome. Okay, this is a very expensive and long 30-hour trip. Just do it. You know what? Thirty-hour trip. I will give you some Klonopin, and then you can watch, like, 20 movies, or however f*cking long that is, and eat some Chex Mix, and then at the end of the 20 movies, you'll be there. Okay. Here you go. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get on the next flight to Auckland. You should do it. Yeah. Yeah. Aw yeah. MAN (OVER PA): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. At this time, we'll begin boarding American flight... All right, baby. Come on, Fomo. THE GUY: Let's go. Good girl! (ANNOUNCEMENT CONTINUES INDISTINCT) Well, baby. (SIGHS) Have fun out there. It's just gonna be a couple weeks, okay? You're gonna see her again. I know. I'm just getting used to this joint custody thing. Take care of that eye, please, 'cause if that eye goes... Yes. ... it's all over. Right. Fair enough. I had fun. That was fun. (FOMO WHINES) Yeah, it was. (BARKING) Aw, you ready to go, girl? Don't you forget about me. Don't, don't, don't. Well, thank you for this, seriously. For real, thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll talk to you. All right, Fomo. Okay. Bye, Uncle Rufus. Bye, Ilana. Come on. Bye, Fomo. (MAN SPEAKING OVER PA INDISTINCTLY) We are now inviting those passengers with small children and any passengers requiring... (SIGHS) Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately 10 minutes' time. Thank you. ("STATE OF INDEPENDENCE" BY JON & VANGELIS PLAYING) [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ State of life, may I live? May I love? ♪ ♪ Coming out the sky, I name me a name ♪ ♪ Coming out silver word for what it is ♪ ♪ It is the very nature of the sound the game ♪ ♪ Siamese, Indionese, to Tibet ♪ ♪ Treat the life as a game if you please ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Coming up, Carabi, sense of freedom ♪ ♪ Derives from a meditative state ♪ ♪ Moving on, believe, that's it, call it magic ♪ ♪ Third world it is, I only guessed it ♪ ♪ Shablam idi, shablam Ida ♪ ♪ Shablam idi, shablam Ida ♪ ♪ Shablam idi, shablam Ida ♪ ♪ Shot to the soul, the flame of Oroladin ♪ ♪ The essence of the word, the state of independence ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

When a snowstorm hits on Christmas Eve, Pam-Anne joins her sister Destiny and a motley crew of flight attendants at their usual crash pad in Queens. Delayed on his way home to spend the holidays with his family, The Guy celebrates Hanukah in New York.

fd_The_L_Word_02x09

fd_The_L_Word_02x09_0

INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - DAY [Carmen and Jenny are in the shower together.] [Title card: Los Angeles, California - This Morning] [Jenny gets out and goes to the toilet. Carmen follows.] Carmen: Well, I have to pee, too. Jenny: Okay, I'm going to be done in a sec. [Carmen stands in front of Jenny, and then sits on Jenny's lap, facing her.] Jenny: What are you doing? Carmen: I want you to spread your legs. [They pee.] Jenny: Oh, f*ck. INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY [Mark paces outside the bathroom. Shane walks by.] Mark: These girls are taking f*cking forever. Shane: You okay? Mark: I am dying. [Shane knocks on the bathroom door.] Shane: Hey guys, come on, let Mark in. He has to go. INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - CNTD. Carmen: Do you feel that? INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CNTD. [Shane whaps on the door.] Shane: C'mon, guys, his back teeth are floating. Be nice. [Shane has her ear to the door a few seconds, hears nothing, and then opens it.] INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - BATHROOM - CNTD. [Shane bursts in and sees Carmen and Jenny. They stop. Shane is frozen in her tracks. Jenny looks immediately guilty.] Jenny: Oh! [Shane walks out and closes the door.] INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - HALLWAY - CNTD. [Mark is hopping from foot to foot.] Shane: Use the bushes. [Mark runs outside.] [Opening credits] MARK'S LESBIAN DOCUMENTARY - [We see Mark's video of himself, interspersed with video he's taken over time of Jenny, Shane, Carmen, and others.] Mark: Hi. I'm Mark Wayland, and I live in a house with two lesbians. [Title card: Wayland Pictures] [Jenny and Shane sit on a chair, playfully touching and giggling.] Jenny: My name is Jenny Schecter. [Title card: presents] [Shane from when Mark went to interview for the room in the house.] Shane: I'm Shane. [A video of the video Mark made of himself in the house.] Mark: And this... is gonna be a document of my journey. [Shane, Jenny and Carmen put their arms around each other, smiling and smoking a joint.] [Title card: A Compendium of Lesbianism, Volume I] [Mark sits in his garage, talking to the camera.] Mark: Initial observations and theories. [Jenny sits on the couch.] Jenny: And what makes you think that lesbians don't f*ck? Shane: Where do you live, Mark? It's entirely possible. [Dana and Alice sit at the kitchen table.] Dana: I'm Dana. [The video cuts.] Dana: Fairbanks. [Cut.] Dana: I thought it would totally ruin my career, but it didn't. [Cut.] Dana: People thanked me. [Back to Mark in the garage.] Mark: These girls talk about everything. [Carmen sitting at the kitchen table.] Carmen: My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. [Cut.] Carmen: I was 16 back then, and I fell madly in love with Lucia Torres. [Cut.] Carmen: She was Pablo Fuentes' girlfriend. [Cut.] Carmen: You just - you didn't f*ck with Pablo's girl. (smiles) But I did. [Back to Dana and Alice.] Dana: This is Alice P - uh - Pie - Alice: Pieszecki. [Cut.] Alice: I don't miss it. No. There's ways and things. (chuckles) [Dana smiles and drops her head in embarrassment.] [Back to Mark in the garage.] Mark: Now, I don't know if that's strictly a lesbian thing, or - or what, but man, these girls are all up in one another's business. [Jenny from when she was talking to Bette about Tina.] Jenny: This is so much more complicated than that. [Jenny sits on Shane's lap. They laugh at each other.] [The video suddenly freezes.] INT. - SLEAZY PRODUCER'S OFFICE - DAY Producer: Yeah. Yeah. Where's the f*cking pussy? [Mark sits next to the TV with the image of Jenny and Shane frozen on it. He gets up.] Mark: Look, the hidden cameras are still in place so I can get more footage, but... I mean, already what I've shown you here is a big step up from Bare Knuckle Backyard Brawls and Wild Women of Encino. [Neither the producer nor Gomey look impressed.] Mark: This could be really huge for us. Like - what's great about this project is it's not just about s*x. These women, they have a way of life, and a culture of their own, and it's revelatory, it's anthropological. If we just - if we do this right, this could so easily be at Sundance. Producer: I'm praying to God you're f*cking kidding. Mark: Gomey, man, get my back. You know what this means to me. Gomey: I do. Eat a dick. Mark: Look, just from a marketing perspective - Producer: Listen to me, Wayland. I'm the marketer. I know our audience. Men. Red-blooded, testosterone-crazed, American men, do not give a f*ck about some kind of anthropological bullshit! We want hot, lesbian s*x, and we want it NOW!! [Mark scoffs, and retrieves his video.] Producer: You're in direct violation of your contract. Okay? And I expect you to return every penny of the money I advanced to you. You hear what I'm saying? [Mark gets his things and leaves.] INT. - ALICE'S APARTMENT - ALICE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT [Dana lies on the bed. Alice sits at her feet, removing Dana's boots and socks.] Alice: So, have you thought about it? Dana: Thought about what? [They giggle.] Alice: About what we talked about. The toys. Dana: Oh, you mean the s*x toys. Alice: Mm-hmm. Dana: Can I ask you something? Alice: Yeah. Ask away. [Alice puts Dana's legs around her waist and pulls her to her.] Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You trying to have your cake and eat your pussy too? Alice: No. It's not a bisexual thing. Dana: Okay, good. Because, wait. I don't wanna do that with you. I mean, if you're trying to make me into a man because you think that there's something missing, then I want you to go ahead - [Alice climbs on top of Dana.] Alice: Dana, many bonafide lesbians find strapping it on the ultimate way of f*cking. And I think it'd be really hot for you to f*ck me like that. Okay? INT. - HELENA'S HOUSE - MORNING [Tina wakes to the sound of Helena griping at Winnie on the phone as she pulls a suit from the closet.] Helena: (phone) How does it compare, hm? Private education, travel, fascinating life experiences - I just don't see how you envision any judge or jury finding you the superior choice! [Tina knits her brow.] Helena: (phone) As you wish. [Helena ends the call. Tina goes back to sleep. Helena quietly walks in.] Helena: Hey. [Tina opens her eyes and smiles. Helena sits on the edge of the bed.] Helena: How are we this morning? Hm? [Helena seems genuinely happy. She draws the covers back and kisses Tina's belly.] Tina: I'm good. I'm excited about the ultrasound this afternoon. Helena: (excited) Oh, that's right. Well, just tell me a time and I'll swing by the office and pick you up. Tina: I'm going with Bette, remember? [Helena tries to mask her disappointment.] Helena: Oh, that's right. Okay, so... why don't you just come by here afterwards? Yeah? [Helena gets up and heads back toward the closet.] Tina: Well, Dr. Wilson's office is so close to my apartment, why don't you just come to me? [Helena hesitates a moment, then continues on, sighing.] Tina: Helena... [Helena stops and turns.] Helena: It's fine, you know - I'll, um... I'll call you when I'm on my way over. We'll go out for dinner. Okay? [Helena walks off. Tina rubs her forehead.] INT. - THEATER - MORNING [A woman is showing Shane to the empty auditorium.] Woman: Annie wants to shoot her old-Hollywood style, after Louis B. Mayer, something like that. Then you're gonna get her ready for her lunch meeting at The Grill with the writer of her next feature. Shane: Do you mind telling me who this is? Woman: The writer? Shane: No - no. The person who hired me. I don't know who it is. Woman: The story's about the most powerful woman in Hollywood. [They enter the auditorium. Shane stops when she recognizes a familiar voice shouting at people.] INT. - THEATER - AUDITORIUM - MORNING Veronica: You are f*cking brilliant. I f*cking love that idea! I f*cking love you, and I'm gonna French kiss you! And if you weren't such a faggot, I'd f*ck you! [Veronica is on the stage in stage makeup and a costume that consists of a fedora and a pinstripe suit. People mill around her. Shane hesitates.] INT. - THE PLANET - MORNING [Bette and Kit sit at a table having coffee.] Bette: When is Benjamin coming in? Kit: Tomorrow at 6:00. He's gonna check into the hotel and head over here. Bette: So he's not staying with you? [Kit looks sad.] Kit: Um. Bette: Because his wife... Kit: Well, it's not like she's gonna find out. But he's just... what? Bette: (shakes head) I just... I just don't want you to get hurt. Kit: I'm not gonna get hurt. I knew, going in, what the deal was. And I'm fine with that. [Bette looks unsure of what to say.] Kit: Ohh. You think I'm a fuck-up, don't you? Bette: No. Kit: Yes you do! Bette: I do not. Kit: Yes you do. Bette: I do not think you're a fuck-up. Kit: Yes you do. Bette: I don't. I think you're amazing. You know, I see how you've turned your life around and I'm - really - I'm in awe of how together you are these days. I just know the situation. And - and no matter what, I mean, there's always someone who gets hurt. And I just don't want it to be you. Kit: He's not on tour now. He's just coming to see me. [Bette smiles and rubs Kit's arm.] Bette: Well, he's obviously crazy about you. Kit: (chuckles) I'm preparing this very special dinner for him. Lara has ordered lobsters from Maine. [They smile.] Kit: Benjamin loves him some lobster. [Bette stands.] Bette: Well, you just - you look out after yourself, okay? [Bette kisses Kit on the forehead.] Bette: I love you. Kit: Oh! Would you bring me back one of those x-ray pictures of the baby? Please, please... Bette: (chuckling) Okay. I love you. Thanks for breakfast. [Bette leaves.] INT. - THEATER - AUDITORIUM - DAY Veronica: Cover of the New York Times Magazine! (laughs) Pretty good, huh, Shane? Shane: Yeah, it's pretty great. I don't know why you requested me, though. Veronica: You do hair, don't you? [Shane walks up onto the stage. She doesn't look amused.] Veronica: Apparently, that's your life's ambition. Shane: Don't f*ck with me, Veronica. Veronica: How am I f*cking with you when I offer you the world on a silver platter? What's so wrong with seeing the potential in somebody and giving them a chance to make something of themselves? Did I underestimate you, Shane? Or did I just mistake you for a person of substance? Shane: No. I think you mistook me for one of your one of your little tricks who'd let you slap her around and be grateful for the privilege of taking your sh1t. Veronica: Are we getting to some core issues, Shane? Poor Shane. Shane: f*ck you. [Shane starts to walk off.] Veronica: What about the possibility that I'm right about you? [Shane stops.] Veronica: That you really are better than this life you're living. [Shane walks quickly over to Veronica and gets right in her face.] Shane: Veronica? Listen to what I'm saying to you. I have no magic. And there is no mojo. So whatever it is that you're looking for, it doesn't exist! Okay? [Veronica takes off her hat and tosses it aside.] Veronica: Then why don't you do my f*cking hair. Shane: No thank you. [Shane walks off. Veronica looks miffed.] INT. - RESTAURANT - DAY [Jenny walks up to Charlotte's table.] Jenny: Hello. Charlotte: Burr will be here in a minute. Have a seat. [Jenny takes off her coat and sits.] Jenny: I thought that he fired me. Charlotte: I wouldn't let him. You're too good for one another. [Charlotte gives her glass to the waiter.] Charlotte: Another drink. More twist, less ice. Jenny: (to waiter) Can I have a Chardonnay, please? Charlotte: (to Jenny) You are a compulsive excavator of your own emotional navel lint. [Jenny looks grossed out.] Charlotte: A nit-picking, obsessive truth-teller. And Burr could stand a bit of literary pediculosis. Jenny: Ew! Charlotte: Hmm. Does that hit a little too close to home? Are we self-loathing body mutilators as well? Jenny: (jokingly) Of course. Charlotte: Can't wait to read about that in one of your stories. Hope you're not a cutter. [Jenny chuckles.] Charlotte: Listen, Jenny. You actually have a gift to portray the details of a life lived. I think non-fiction may end up being your Métier. It's why I want you to work with Burr. Jenny: (whispering) I don't want to. Charlotte: You need to get him to tell you stories. Jenny: (whispering) I don't like him. He's a homophobe. [Charlotte shakes her head. Burr approaches the table.] Burr: Hi. Charlotte: Hi. Hi, darling. [They kiss on the cheek.] Charlotte: How are you? Burr: Good. Jenny: Hello. Charlotte: You remember Jenny Schecter. [Burr sits next to Jenny.] Burr: I do. Apparently we're destined for one another. [A waitress brings Burr a glass of tea.] Burr: Thank you, Suzie. INT. - s*x TOY SHOP - DAY [Alice and Dana walk over to the dildos and strap-ons section. Dana is wearing sunglasses.] Alice: Alright, what do you think? [On the wall are every size, shape, and color of phalli*** imaginable. A woman sales clerk walks over.] Clerk: Well, here's a good way to think about it. An inch in diameter is two fingers inside of you - [They turn to see her. Dana removes her sunglasses.] Clerk: - an inch and a half is three fingers inside of you, the silicone ones are easiest to sterilize and so you can share. Dana: Share. How do you sterilize them? Clerk: Oh, just pop it in the dishwasher. But don't forget to take it out before the maid comes. Alice: Oh, look. This looks - this looks fun. Dana: What? [Alice picks up a big, double-ended, pink, ribbed vibrator.] Clerk: Oh, now that's very popular. Everyone's a winner. Alice: (to Dana) (chuckling) No? Yeah, I kinda want you to... Dana: Yeah. Alice: You know. Anyway. [Dana is starting to blush and get nervous. Alice is starting to look a little overwhelmed at the selection.] Dana: I don't know - I don't even know where to start. There's so many shapes... sizes... Clerk: Well, are you into semi-realistic? Realistic? [Alice and Dana look at each other.] Clerk: These ones here, Champlette, Leo, and Randy are all the semis - [The clerk motions to a variety of colorful, non-descript vibrators, some with little designs, then motions to a variety above that look more real, except that they're huge.] Clerk: - and up here, King Kong and Tyrannosaurus Rex are very like the real thing - [Alice looks a little overwhelmed. Dana looks a little ill.] Clerk: - and they come in colors. There's black, purple, blue, teal, red, hot pink, chocolate and vanilla. [Dana squirms.] Alice: (to Alice) Hot pink? Clerk: There's combination marble swirl, there's disco glitter - [Dana giggles at Alice.] Dana: (to Alice) Ooh. Alice: (to Dana) Do you want that? Clerk: - and King Kong and Tyrannosaurus Rex both come in camouflage. Dana: In case you're screwing in a war zone. Alice: Oh, look! [Alice reaches for a realistic dildo stuck to the wall. There's hair on it.] Alice: Hairy balls. Dana: Oh, that's just wrong. Clerk: If you'll look at the base, they come with a suction cup. [The clerk picks up one and shows the cup.] Clerk: And that makes them easy to attach to the hotel window. [She smacks it up against the wall. Dana and Alice jump. It sticks.] Dana: Oh, look. [Dana grabs a little dildo and holds it in her hand so that it looks like a thumb.] Dana: (like Fonzie) Heeeey. [Alice and Dana giggle at each other.] Clerk: No, that's a butt plug. [Dana quickly puts it back on the shelf and frowns.] Clerk: The boys really like those because they get right inside and tickle the prostate. [Alice looks a little embarrassed, but listens. Dana looks increasingly uncomfortable.] Clerk: Although, the girls do like them, too. If you use it with a harness, you can detach the dildo, leave the butt plug inside, while you do other things. Dana: What, like, the dishes? Clerk: By the way. We have a great new lube. It just came in today. [The clerk goes to get it.] Clerk: I highly recommend this. [The clerk shows them the bottle.] Alice: Oh, you know, I think I'm allergic to that kind, so... strawberries. [Dana turns to Alice.] Dana: What? What haven't you done? Alice: I haven't done lots of things. I wanna do them with you. [Alice pulls Dana close to her. They grin shyly at each other. Another female couple enters the store.] Clerk: (to female couple) If you need any help, just give me a shout. Woman: Alright, thanks. [Dana looks around the store and spots the female couple. She freaks out.] Dana: Oh, sh1t, it's Melanie Caplan. [Dana zips up her sweater.] Alice: So? Dana: So? Alice: Why don't we get a cock ring? [Alice walks off. Dana pulls her collar up around her ears, up to her nose, hunches her shoulders, and puts her sunglasses on. She walks sideways, following Alice.] EXT. - MEDICAL PLAZA - DAY [A big building with a big parking lot. A few cars parked out front.] INT. - DR. WILSON'S OFFICE - DAY [Tina is having her ultrasound done. Bette sits by her bedside. Dr. Wilson covers Tina's belly with some lube, then puts the ultrasound wand on her belly.] Bette: Is that our baby? Dr. Wilson: That's your baby, and those are her fingers. [Bette and Tina breathe a sigh of relief as they smile at the monitor.] Dr. Wilson: Very well formed, yeah. Tina: Isn't she amazing? [On the monitor, we see a black and white image of a tiny silhouette.] Oh, it's like she's waving at us. Look. Dr. Wilson: She's showing you her profile. [Tina smiles at Bette. When Bette looks at her, Tina looks back at the monitor. Bette takes Tina's hand and squeezes. Tina squeezes back.] INT. - RESTAURANT - DAY Burr: So I guess I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, to a place of tolerance. Jenny: I don't really like the idea of being tolerated. Charlotte: What's wrong with being tolerated, Jenny? It's better than being spat on. Jenny: Because it implies that there's something unacceptable about my being gay. [The waiter brings the check. Burr pays it.] Burr: Frankly, I think it's perfectly acceptable for a girl these days. Men actually find it hot. Charlotte: What's with the double standard, Burr? Burr: Oh, don't be a prick, Charlotte. Look at any male actor today. There's not a self-proclaimed queer in the bunch. Charlotte: (scoffs) Does anybody give a sh1t anymore? Burr: They give a sh1t. Do you honestly think a studio's going to pay a guy what they pay me if his fans think he's a faggot? Charlotte: All the millions you've collected over the years, what have you got to lose? Burr: I was speaking hypothetically, darling. We're not really talking about me. Charlotte: Oh. I thought we were. Burr: Don't twist my words, Charlotte. I know you take pleasure in it, but be warned, sweetheart. Do you know how many lawsuits I've won against people who've tried to accuse me of what you just accused me of? Charlotte: Are you threatening me? Burr: (to Jenny) I think you might want to organize your friends to form a little legal defense fund for their beloved professor. [Burr gets his jacket and stands. He walks to Charlotte.] Burr: f*ck off, Charlotte. [He kisses her cheek and walks off.] EXT. - RESTAURANT - DAY [The valet drives Burr's car to the curb. Jenny walks up to Burr.] Jenny: Hey. Burr: Hey. Jenny: I want to tell you that I agree with what you said, man. Burr: You do, huh? Jenny: I do. Because the thing is, if some male actor were to come out and say, "f*ck, yeah. I'm gay," that would be, like, a huge gift to the world, but it would destroy their f*cking career. Burr: Exactly right. [Burr gets in his car.] Jenny: And don't worry about Charlotte, you know? [Charlotte walks out. Jenny doesn't see her.] Jenny: She's an asshole. She's not God, you know? Charlotte: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Jenny. Jenny: (laughs) f*ck. Burr: (laughs) Hey Jenny. If you still feel like working on the book, be at my house tomorrow night at 8:30. [Burr drives off.] INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY [Tina is unpacking her grocery bags. She hands the food to Bette, who puts the items in the fridge.] Tina: Thank you. [Bette looks at her.] Tina: That was really nice. [They smile warmly, almost shyly, at each other.] Bette: (grinning) Thank you. I really liked being there with you. I loved it more than you can imagine. [Tina sets the groceries down on the table.] Tina: Come here. [Bette closes the refrigerator door and walks over, hesitant. Tina hugs her tightly. At first, Bette is reluctant, but melts into it. She closes her eyes and buries her nose in Tina's hair. They sigh, enjoying the contact.] Bette: (whispering) You feel so good. [Bette furrows her brow, seemingly fighting tears.] Tina: (whispering) You smell good. [They pull away slowly. Bette nuzzles Tina's neck, seemingly searching for a kiss, but Tina pulls away. They still hold each other close, and stare into each other's eyes. Tina pushes the hair back from Bette's face. Bette smiles sadly. Tina touches a thumb to Bette's lips, and then kisses her. The kiss is slow and Bette seems surprised. When Tina pulls away, Bette trembles and looks confused. Tina quickly kisses her again.] [When the kiss ends, Tina pushes the hair back from Bette's face again and looks at her. Bette smiles. They kiss again, deeper. When the kiss breaks, Tina looks shaken. She stares into Bette's eyes. Bette touches her lips. Tina sighs and kisses her again, then unbuttons Bette's jacket.] [They nuzzle, breathing harder, as they both push Bette's jacket off; it falls to the floor. Tina tries to kiss Bette again, but stops. She slowly runs her hands across Bette's chest, taking her breasts in her hands, and sighs. Bette kisses Tina's forehead.] [Music plays - "No Other Love" by Heart.] [Bette kisses Tina deeply. Tina sighs and moans, giving over to it.] INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAY [Bette, in her bra and jeans, sits on the edge of the bed. Tina stands before her, in her t-shirt. Bette pulls the shirt up and caresses and kisses Tina's belly, reveling in the contact. Tina pulls her shirt off, and then kisses her.] Tina: (whispering) Touch me here. Feel this. [Tina guides Bette's hand down. She slips it under the waistband of her pants, low.] Tina: (whispering) Touch me here. [Bette shakes and sighs as Tina guides her hand. Tina holds her to her bosom. Bette shuts her eyes and furrows her brow, whimpering.] Bette: Oh, my God. Oh, my f*cking God... [Tina pets Bette's hair. Bette kisses her chest.] Bette: (whispering) Are you sure it's okay? [Tina takes Bette's face in her hands and kisses her. They lay back on the bed.] MOMENTS LATER - [Bette lays on her stomach, naked except for her underwear. Tina lies along her side with her eyes closed, stroking and kissing her skin, and then slips a hand between Bette's legs.] MOMENTS LATER - [Bette lies behind Tina. They're making love, moving together, sighing and moaning. Bette kisses Tina's shoulders. They kiss then watch each other as they orgasm simultaneously. They shake for a moment, and then Tina reaches a hand up and touches Bette's lips. They kiss again slowly, and stare into one another's eyes. Tina touches Bette's face. Bette smiles a little, and kisses her again. Tina strokes Bette's hair as they stare quietly at one another.] INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT [Mark sits in a chair looking at himself in a mirror while Shane gives him a haircut.] Mark: I don't know, babe. I think it looks little dyke-ish. Shane: Welcome to the club. Mark: (chuckling) I'm joking. I like it a lot. So, what the f*ck do you think that bitch wanted from you? Shane: Oh, I don't know. She's a f*cking freak. Mark: Damn, you know, I was just about to ask you to hook it up. Shane: You were going to ask me to call Veronica Bloom? Mark: I had a minute of thinking if she, uh, saw my project, she might be into it. Shane: Mark, why didn't you say something? Mark: No, it was just a fleeting thought. Don't worry about it. Shane: Do you have any other leads? Mark: Uh, no. Shane: No? Mark: Mm-mm. Shane: Well, look, maybe I... maybe I'll get another job with a studio head or... maybe I actually will have a next job. Mark: Yeah, you and me both. [There's a knock at the kitchen door.] Shane: Yeah? [Carmen enters.] Mark: Hey. Shane: Hey. Carmen: Hi. Shane: Jenny's at work. Carmen: Yeah, she's waitressing. (chuckles) Shane: Yeah. So, uh... Carmen: Oh, um, I just wanted to talk to you about some stuff, um... [Mark watches Carmen in the mirror, pretending to mess with his hair.] Carmen: You're cutting hair. Shane: Yes, I am. Mark: You know what? I have got a ton of work I need to be doing right now. (standing) Um, I'll clean this up when I - Shane: No, no, I have it. I have it. No, I got it. Mark: Okay. (to Carmen) Hey. Carmen: Hi. Mark: How are you? (to Shane) Thank you. Shane: Yep. [Mark leaves. Shane looks a little nervous.] Shane: What's up? INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Mark enters, and goes to the computer. He looks at the camera in Shane's bedroom. The bedroom is empty. He switches to the one in the kitchen. Carmen and Shane are still there talking.] [We hear a heart beating.] Carmen: (monitor) - Shane. It's... I feel like there's something going on with you, and I would like to know what it is. INT. - JENNY AND SHANE - KITCHEN - NIGHT [Shane leans against the counter.] Shane: Look, I just... (sighs) (thinking) Aw, f*ck, you know, it's - it's hard for me... to have you and Jenny in my face all the time. Carmen: You're having a hard time with it? Shane: You know, I'm happy for you guys. Looks like you two are having a blast together and... that's a very good thing. [Shane comes to stand in front of Carmen and stares at the floor.] Carmen: Then why would it be so hard for you? [Carmen steps closer.] Carmen: Now, Shane, I want you to look at me. [Shane looks up, sort of, but doesn't look at Carmen.] Carmen: I know how hard you work to keep yourself at a distance from everyone else on the planet, but it's not working for you anymore. Shane: It's working fine. Carmen: No, it's not. It's not, because of this. [Carmen puts Shane's hand to her own heart, and then puts her hand on Shane's heart.] Carmen: Okay? Do you feel this? Most people don't have this. This is rare. [Shane looks moved by the contact. She looks at Carmen finally.] Shane: So what? Carmen: That's right. So what? So what, if nothing ever comes out of this? So what, if you'll never act on it? You are so convinced that having a relationship near you is going to kill you. Shane: Because it will. Carmen: And that's why I'm with Jenny. It works because she and I are both biding our time, waiting for the real deal to come along. Shane: Yeah. You don't think you and Jenny are the real deal? Carmen: No. INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [We hear the heart beating faster. Mark watches the monitor, rapt.] Carmen: (monitor) Jenny wouldn't know what the real deal was if it bit her in the ass. She is so... lost in her own darkness. I think she likes it in there. [The heart beat goes faster.] Carmen: (monitor) But do you know what's f*cked up? Carmen: Is that you and I know what the real deal is. We saw it the first time we laid eyes on each other. [They're very close. Shane looks as if she wants to kiss Carmen. She nods a little.] INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT [Tina shows Bette to the front door.] Tina: Bette. I just wanted to tell you that - Bette: I know. I know. This doesn't mean (takes deep breath)... we're back together. I know. [Tina shakes her head and smiles. Bette looks a little hurt.] Tina: Let's not let it mess everything up. [Bette looks crushed. She smiles anyway.] Bette: It won't. I promise. Tina: (smiling) We were doing great. Bette: (smiling) Yeah. Great. Tina: Okay. Bette: Okay. [Tina steps up to Bette. Bette looks uneasy.] Tina: Bye. [Tina kisses Bette on the cheek.] Bette: Bye. [Bette awkwardly returns the kiss and opens the door and leaves. Tina closes the door behind her, turns around, and sighs.] INT. - JENNY AND SHANE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT [Shane and Carmen stand close. Carmen avoids Shane's gaze.] Carmen: You're not living your life, Shane. And if you don't take any risks... (looks at Shane) then you might as well be dead. INT. - THE GARAGE - NIGHT [Mark watches the scene unfold, captivated.] Mark: f*ck me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT [Tina opens the front door. It's Helena.] Helena: Hi. Tina: Hi. Um, come in. [Helena enters.] Helena: Uh... you... you're not ready to go. [Tina looks down at what she's wearing - her bathrobe.] Tina: Do you mind if we just stayed here tonight and ordered in? I just... I don't feel like being out in public. Helena: Well, we could go back to my place? Tina: Is there a problem with staying here? Helena: No. No. There's, um, no problem. [Helena smiles and smooches Tina. Tina quickly grabs her and kisses her more, backing her against the wall. Helena seems quite surprised and amused but not really into it. She keeps her hands against Tina's shoulders, pushing her back. Tina doesn't seem to notice, or doesn't care.] Tina: (kissing) Yeah. Helena: (chuckling) Wha - are you having some kind of hormonal surge, here? Tina: (breathless) f*ck you. Helena: That is what you seem to want. Tina: (chuckling) It is, actually. Helena: Mm-hmm? Tina: Yeah. I just wanna f*ck all night. [Tina walks Helena into the middle of the room.] Tina: And I wanna f*ck, and f*ck, and f*ck... [Tina pulls Helena over to a chair and pushes her down in it. She kneels in front of her, breathless and excited, and sticks her hand up Helena's dress.] Tina: ... and f*ck, and f*ck. [Helena immediately pushes back and away as Tina paws at and kisses her.] Helena: Oh - okay - [Tina quickly kisses down Helena's chest. Helena pushes her away.] Helena: No - no. I'm not - I'm not so sure that I like this. I don't think I like this. [Tina sits up, breathless. Helena holds her at arm's length.] Tina: Why not? Helena: Because you're not acting yourself and I'm not sure that I like it! [Tina pushes Helena's hands off.] Tina: Oh. I see. Is it my apartment? Is it just too ordinary for you? Or, uh, you know. maybe it's that you need to be in control all the time. Or maybe you need an audience. That's it. That's what works for you. (raising voice) I don't think you're interested in s*x unless there's some sort of risk or someone's watching or something else is going on! [Tina gets up and opens the door to the patio.] Tina: Here we go. (shouting outside) Hey! We're about to have s*x! You wanna come watch?! Helena: (standing) Tina, your neighbors! [Tina closes the door and runs up to Helena, excited.] Tina: Oh! My neighbors! That is a - that is a wonderful idea! (kisses Helena) Mm! You are so f*cking hot! [Tina races over and opens the front door.] Tina: (shouting outside) Hey, we're about to have s*x, me and my girlfriend, do you wanna come down here and watch us?! We're just gonna f*ck! [Helena blinks, flabbergasted.] Helena: Have you gone mad?! [Tina closes the front door and runs back to Helena.] Tina: I don't know! What do you think? What do you think, do you think I'm f*cking crazy?! [Helena tries to hold on to Tina to calm her down. Tina pushes her hands away and Helena puts them back.] Helena: No, I think - Tina: Are you turned on?! [Tina pushes Helena's hands away. Helena puts them back, trying to calm her down.] Helena: (pleading) I think your hormones are raging out of control and I think I know better than to reason with you. [Tina shoves Helena's hands off.] Tina: f*cking hormones! What, I'm not allowed to have actual feelings now?! Helena: Tina. I've been through this before. [Helena takes Tina's hands, appealing to her. Tina doesn't look amused.] Helena: Winnie was a monster at this stage in her pregnancy. Tina: Yeah. And look at you and Winnie now. [Helena looks stung by the comment.] Helena: (sighs) You know, I think I'm gonna go now. I'm gonna call you tomorrow - [Helena starts to leave. Tina blocks the hall to the door.] Tina: No! [Tina forcefully grabs Helena's arms.] Tina: No, I need you now! I need you tonight! Stay here! [Helena tries to hold on but Tina smacks Helena's hands off.] Tina: (crying) Stay here! [Helena puts her hand on Tina's face.] Helena: I think you need to be alone. You need to be alone. [Tina turns away. Helena looks at her sadly, then leaves. When she's gone, Tina rubs her forehead and cries.] Tina: What am I doing? INT. - DAN FOXWORTHY'S OFFICE - NIGHT [Bette sits in the doctor's darkened offices. She looks worried.] Bette: I don't know how it happened. I don't know. I mean, we were working so hard at forging this friendship. Do you think I f*cked it up by having s*x with her? Dan: Do you think you f*cked it up? Bette: I don't know. I mean, what did it mean? [Dan shakes his head.] Bette: I don't think she wants to get back together with me... Dan: Do you want to get back together with her? [Bette's emotions play openly across her face, saying that yes, it's all she wants; then she looks down at her hands and her face goes blank.] Bette: I don't know. Dan: How did it feel - having s*x with her? Bette: (laughs) It was f*cking amazing. It was just f*cking... amazing. It was like... all of the reasons that we fell apart just disappeared and, and it was like I had - it was like I had my life back for just one second. [Dan nods.] Bette: And it was also really sad. Dan: Sad? How so? Bette: Because I've lost her. Because... we don't... well, like she doesn't belong to me anymore. Like I - it feels - someone else had been touching her and making love to her and I felt that other person and I felt... her connection to that other person, you know? And... and she did things that we had never done together. And it was like she was so... (sighs) free. Dan: Free? Bette: Yeah. I mean, I always treated her so gingerly, you know, like she was some fragile thing. And now, even though she's pregnant, its like, it's like she's... it's like she's unbreakable. [Bette pauses, thinking, then suddenly bursts into tears.] Bette: I don't... [Bette takes a deep breath and sighs.] Bette: It was shocking, I guess. It was shocking - it was shocking that she was so... sure of herself. (smiles) Dan: Bette... Tina's been though some major ordeals over the past year. Your break up. Uh, new career. Her pregnancy. These things can change a person. Make them stronger. Don't you think it might be a good thing? Bette: Of course it's a good thing. [Bette looks at the floor for a moment, then sighs.] Bette: It just means... she doesn't need me anymore. EXT. - s*x TOY SHOP - DAY [Dana shuts the door of her car, which is parked on the curb outside the store. She's wearing her sunglasses again. She straightens her jacket, squares her shoulders and steps onto the sidewalk. She exhales, then removes her sunglasses, and bravely walks in.] EXT. - THE GARAGE - DAY [Jenny knocks on Mark's door.] Jenny: Hey Mark, I need those Burr Connor DVDs back. [Mark doesn't answer. She knocks again. The door opens.] Jenny: Hello? Mark? [Jenny goes in. She sighs, looking around at the stacks of DVDs for hers. She looks by the computer, but finds a tape labeled "SHANE/CARMEN LOVE CONFESSION" instead. She opens it.] INT. - THE CAC - BOARD ROOM - DAY [Bette is talking to a woman artist. She is showing a picture to Bette of part of a piece done by Christo, where he wrapped the shores of a small group of islands in the Florida Keys in pink fabric.] Woman: This is the piece Christo did between '80 and '83 down in Miami. We've included images from Michael Heizer, Robert Smithson, Walter de Maria, uh, Dennis Oppenheim, and of course Andy Goldsworthy. [Bette looks at the Christo photo, and picks up other photos from the table. James enters.] Bette: I've been talking to Allyn about commissioning a new piece. Of course, we'll have to do more fundraising. [Helena swaggers in.] Helena: How about if I just... add it into the budget? [Helena seats herself at the head of the table.] Bette: Helena. I'm sorry we were just in the middle of a meeting. Helena: I am offering to underwrite Allyn's entire retrospective. I don't want money to be the deciding factor on any creative decision. Do you have a budget? Bette: I do. [They both smile, staring daggers at each other.] Helena: I'd like to see it, if I may. Bette: Well, I'm not really ready to present it yet. But I will show it to the entire board. Helena: That's not really how I like to work. Bette: Well, it's the only way I can work. Helena: I can deal with Leo on this if you'd rather. Bette: Can we just have a separate meeting? Helena: Absolutely. Bette: Great. [Helena picks up a photo from the table and looks at it. Bette and the woman stare at Helena. Helena pretends to suddenly notice.] Helena: Oh, I'm just going to sit here and listen for a while. [Bette sighs and smiles at James.] Bette: Okay. Uh... [Bette hands the woman a rolled-up chart.] Bette: Why don't you show Helena your proposal for dealing with the passage of time? [The woman clears her throat and unfurls a chart on the desk in front of Helena. Bette looks over at James.] INT. - THE GARAGE - DAY [Jenny sits, watching the tape of Shane and Carmen, where Carmen says Jenny wouldn't know what the 'real deal' was and she is 'lost in her own darkness'. We see her face, tears forming in her eyes as she watches.] INT. - JAMES' DESK - DAY [Helena sits on the edge of James' desk, on her cell.] Helena: Hello. Tina: (phone) Hi. Helena: How are you feeling today? INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - DAY Tina: Same as yesterday. INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. Helena: You're coming over to my house tonight. INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CNTD. [Tina sits down on the couch.] Tina: Are you sure you want to see me? INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. Tina: (phone) What if I have some sort of hormonal fit? Helena: I'm sorry, that was... that was uncalled for on my behalf. Accept my apology? INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CNTD. Tina: Look, if you want me in your life, you just have to understand one thing, okay? I - I'm not some sort of toy that you can take down off the shelf and play with whenever it suits your mood. INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. Tina: (phone) You understand? Helena: Yes, you - you're not a toy. Tina: (phone) And if we have some sort of disagreement? INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CNTD. Tina: The fact that I'm pregnant, it's not fair game. I don't want to be reduced to some sort of raging, hormonal lunatic. INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. Helena: It'll never happen again. INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CNTD. Tina: Good. INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. Helena: So... do I see you later on? INT. - TINA'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - CNTD. Tina: Okay. INT. - JAMES' DESK - CNTD. [James enters.] Helena: Good. See ya later, darling. [Helena ends the call and leaves.] Helena: (to James) Bye. INT. - BURR CONNOR'S HOUSE - DAY [Burr is kickboxing with a guy named Roy. Jenny is led into the room. She watches them. Burr seems to be getting into it - until he sees Jenny. The split second costs him and Roy gets in a good punch, knocking Burr to the ground.] Roy: You alright? Burr: Yeah, I'm alright. Roy: What a hit. [Roy helps Burr up.] Burr: (panting) (to Jenny) Be with you in a sec. (to Roy) We've got to stop. Roy: Oh, that's going to leave a mark. Burr: It'll be alright. [They bow to each other.] Burr: Okay. That's good. Roy: That's it. Burr: Tell you what, let's do it again. [Burr and Roy shake hands. Still panting, Burr welcomes Jenny over. Jenny acts extra-cheery.] Burr: (to Jenny) Hey. Jenny: Hey. Hello. Burr: Roy, Jenny. Roy: Nice to meet you. Jenny: Hello. Nice to meet you too. Let's shake hands. [Jenny and Roy shake hands. Jenny giggles.] Burr: You ready? Jenny: Great. Burr: Come on over here. [They walk over to another part of the room and sit down.] Jenny: How are you? Burr: Sore. I'm alright. Jenny: Yeah? That's awesome. Cool. Okay. So. Burr: Okay. So you got all your stuff? You can use your little tape recorder today. [Jenny gets her stuff out and sets it down abruptly.] Burr: What's the matter? Jenny: Nothing. Burr: Something's the matter. You sure? Jenny? [Jenny stops. She looks upset.] Burr: What? Jenny. Stop. No, no, no. Come on. [Burr gets up and walks over to her.] Jenny: No, no, no - please, please! Burr: Stop. Jenny: (pleading) Let me do my job. Burr: No, no, no, no. [Jenny freaks out as he reaches for her.] Jenny: Please! I'm sorry, just ignore me! I have such bad hay fever. Please, please, please. Please? [Burr kneels in front of her and puts his arms around her.] Burr: Come here. [Burr hugs Jenny tightly. Jenny breaks down and cries.] Burr: It's okay, it's okay. It's okay. Alright? INT. - THE PLANET - NIGHT [The cafe is empty, aside from Kit and a couple of staff. Kit is humming as she oversees a small table in a romantically-lit corner. A waitress comes in and puts a bottle of wine in a bucket on the table.] Kit: Is everything all right in there? Waitress: It's perfect. Don't worry. Lara is working her magic. Kit: Excellent. [Kit's cell phone rings. She answers.] Kit: (phone) Hellooo? Hi, baby. Where you at? (listening) Oh no. What happened? The hospital? Oh. No, no, no. I - I understand. (sighs) No, I - I - I hope your mama's okay. No. (sighs) Oh, no, no. Don't even worry about it, okay? It's your family. And you have to be there for them. Yeah, it's okay. So just (sighs) - call me next week, okay? And I - I hope everything works out okay. Alright. Bye now. [Kit hangs up. The waitress looks at her.] Kit: What? Waitress: I guess - I guess... so is dinner off? Kit: Just put it on the menu and sell it, okay? [The waitress walks off. Kit looks at the bottle of wine sitting on the table.] INT. - HELENA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT [Helena is busy cooking.] Tina: (off screen) Hello? Helena: In the kitchen! [Tina enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers.] Helena: Hey. Tina: Hey. [They kiss.] Helena: Thank you. [Helena takes the flowers over to the sink and comes back and starts mixing something in a bowl.] Tina: Did you cook all this? Helena: Mm-hmm. I gave Sandra the night off. Tina: (smiling) You mean we're completely alone? Helena: Mm-hmm. Tina: It looks amazing. Helena: I was actually thinking of becoming a chef at one point. Tina: You're just full of surprises. [Helena pours two glasses of wine. She hands one to Tina.] Helena: Now look, I know you're not supposed to - but this is too good to miss. Tina: Just a sip. [Tina takes a sip of the wine. Helena takes Tina's hand and leads her to a comfy chair.] Helena: Now. Come with me. I'm gonna sit you down and wait on you, hand and foot. [Helena kneels in front of her and takes Tina's boots off.] Tina: I don't deserve it. [Helena starts to massage Tina's feet.] Helena: Forget about deserve. Deserve suggests you have to work for it. Just think: [Helena kisses Tina's toes.] Helena: "I'm entitled to it." Tina: I like that. Helena: Mm. INT. - ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS GROUP - NIGHT [Ivan sits with a small AA support group. One of the members, Ryan, is talking.] Ryan: It couldn't have been worse timing for my sponsor to be out of town. Ivan: But you found your strength and you hung on. Good for you, Ryan. Thanks for sharing tonight. [The all applaud. Kit stands in the doorway. Ivan sees her.] Ivan: Hey, pretty lady. Looks like you have something you wanna share tonight? [Kit slowly enters the room. Everybody watches her.] Kit: Hi. I'm Kit. Everybody: Hi, Kit. Ivan: Hey, Kit. [Kit talks directly to Ivan. Tears form in her eyes. Ivan listens closely.] Kit: And um, I got stood up tonight. I got stood up, and I - I looked over at that bottle of wine sitting on the table, that I set for him... (sighs) and I just said, "f*ck it, you know, I - I don't want that bottle of wine." But I'm - I'm - I'm just so damn lonely that I just wanted to be around somebody who... would listen to me. So I came here. Ivan: I'm glad you came, Kit. [Everybody applauds. Kit looks a little embarrassed.] INT. - PERFORMANCE CLUB - NIGHT [An old-fashioned salsa-style nightclub with a risqué stage performance. Tons of people mill around. Cuban music plays somewhere in the background. A scantily-clad woman dances on the stage, behind a beaded curtain; people gather around, dancing and shouting, having a great time.] [Ivan and Kit walk through the club.] Kit: So this is where you spend your time. Ivan: Yeah, this is the

Dana is stunned when Alice requests a bold sexual favor from her. Charlotte Birch sets up Jenny with another meeting with Burr Connor to ghost write his autobiography where he privately reveals to Jenny that he too happens to be gay. Jenny also finds out about Mark's voyeurism when she accidentally sees on a videotape Carmen revealing her real feelings for Shane. Mark's producer, dissatisfied that there still isn't enough sex or nudity in his lesbian reality video, terminates Mark's employment. Kit plans a romantic night for Benjamin, but it doesn't end well when Benjamin cancels and Kit ends up at an AA meeting where Ivan is in attendance. Bette and Tina, slowly bonding over their unborn baby, have sex, but Tina goes back to renew her relationship with Helena.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x01

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x01_0

IN THE GYM Dan : Nathan. Remember, 20 shots -- no less. Nathan : Got it, dad. Dan: Quit yakking and warm up. [ At the Game: Cheers and applause ] Announcer : Basket by Nathan Scott! He really looks sharp out there tonight. And now a steal by the ravens. They'll go on the offensive. Coach Whitey Durham urges them on. Tim Smith -- he's got Scott! And he hammers it home! ! He's already got 14 of the Ravens' 17 points tonight. Turn around jumper ... Nathan Scott! We haven't seen talent like this since his father, Dan, played for whitey. Here's Scott again -- another one! It's all Nathan Scott! Mouth : And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Lucas Scott. What's happening, baby? 137 and 3 going into tonight's contest. Junk : He sucks. Mouth: And as a special bonus, we're joined in the booth by Junk Moreti. Junk : You don't have a booth. Jimmy : Actually, he's 138 and 3 -- Lucas. Junk : Jeez, Edwards, but you can't remember to run a bar of soap under your pits? You smell bad, man. You're ripe. Coach : You guys are stinking up the place! Time-out! Time-out! Get in here! Ravens! Come on, hustle, hustle, hustle! Just what in the hell is going on out there? Nathan : Whitey, relax. We're up by 9. Coach: Tim...Go in for Nathan. All right, let's get out there and act like we've played the game before. Player : Ravens on 3. 1, 2, 3. Ravens! Ravens! Ravens! Ravens! Go! Coach : What have I told you about that? I don't care if we're up by 5 or 50. I'm still the coach. It's still my team. Nathan : Whatever you need to believe. [back at the park] Mouth : Lucas Scott with the ball. And he currently nurses a big winning streak. Come on. 14-13, game point for team Scott. Oh! [The scene switches back and forth between the park and the Gym] Announcer: And the hawks pull within one. And you have to wonder where is Nathan Scott? Coach: Go on. Peyton : Let's go, Nathan! Don't bother showering tonight. Mouth : For those of you at home, Lucas wears his black shorts tonight with his traditional white high-tops. Jimmy : He is currently playing without a shoe contract, Mouth. Annoncer : Under 20 seconds to go, and it's all tied up. Fasten your seat belts, folks. We're going down to the wire. Stolen by Nathan Scott! The ravens have it! They're gonna hold on 10 seconds remaining on the clock. Now five! Mouth : Luke flashes in the paint. Fergie finds one on the wing. Annoncer : Scott for the game! Mouth : Scott for the game! [ Nathan and the team are in a school bus with Nathan driving. Peyton is driving and not paying attention to the road] Boy : you, tell me we didn 't just steal a school bus, 'cause this feels like we just stole a school bus. Nathan : Dude, we just borrowed it, all right? Girl : So, Nathan, where's Peyton? Nathan : Who knows? Why? [ Train whistle blows as the bus approaches. Nathan is kissing the girl and doesn't see it. ] [ bell clanging, train whistle blows ] Boy : look out! [ Girls screaming ] [ tires screech as the bus stops- a police siren sounds] [ tires screech as Peyton almost hits Lucas] [ basketball bouncing ] [The next day at the police station] Officer : some of your parents see this latest incident as tomfoolery, a little prank. Personally, I see a little breaking and entering. Chief Wayman sees possession and consumption by minors and a smidgen of grand theft auto. That said, I think it's time we send a message. The following players were not involved and will not be reprimanded -- Jake Jagielski, Ruben Gutierrez, Tim smith, and Nathan Scott. As for the rest of you, all players involved are suspended from extracurricular activities, specifically basketball, for the rest of the season. [Dan starts an argument with the coach] Dan : So, you just walk away. Coach : Well, well. Dan Scott. Dan: Half the team suspended, Nathan triple-teamed the rest of the season, and you say nothing. Coach : The inmates will not run the asylum. Dan: You're despicable, you know that? Letting the dreams of this team just vanish. You're full of crap. Coach : It comes with old age, constipation. [back in the park] Junk: You guys remember Tom Dugan from grade school? Lucas : He used to live next door to you, right? Junk: Some guy snapped him with a wet towel, and he lost one of his testicles. Lucas: Come on. Skills : Okay, junk. Junk: Just saying what I heard. Skills : Anyway, man, what you reading these days? Lucas: Steinbeck -- "the winter of our discontent." Skills : Let me hear some. Lucas : Nah. Skills : Come on, dog. You know I be reading vicariously through you. [The game stops as Peyton drives by] Junk : Peyton Sawyer. You seen her webcam? In her bedroom -- I hear she's naked on it, like, all the time ... What ? I hear things. Lucas: You know, I saw her the other night. She almost ran me over, of course. Boy : Yeah, she pretty fine, huh? Lucas: Ah, she's all right ... Just shoot for teams, all right? [Back at the café] Lucas: Hey, mom. Karen : Hey, hon. Mmm. Lucas: It smells good in here. Did you change your hair? Karen : If by "change" you mean "dragged a brush through it," then yeah. Lucas: Well, it looks nice. Karen : Thank you. Haley : The magazine pages are sticky again. Little pervs. Oh, hey, Luke. You been reading this ? Lucas: Is that the "why do I hang out with these people?" Issue, because you're on the cover of that, right? Haley : No, actually, it's the "my best friend is an idiot" issue, and there you are. [ Scoffs ] Karen : Haley, would you like to join us? Haley : Hell, yes. Karen : So, honey, how was your day? Haley : Good, thanks ... "Good" is relative, considering a third of the world is starving, which does not change the fact that I am clumsy as hell. Did I tell you that i fell down today? Yeah, slipped off the curb, face down, butt in the air. Too graphic ? Sorry. I'll just be quiet. Karen : So, I got something for you, Lucas. Haley : Actually, I found it. Not that I was looking for something specifically, which implies some hideous sort of "Joey loves Dawson " scenario and completely creep me out, but, you know, we saw it, and... Haley : Well, give him the book. Lucas : Wow. "Julius Caesar." Karen : "There's a tide in the affairs of men" -- or something like that. Lucas : Nice. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. Haley : Whatever. That's what you're into. [ In the coaches office] Coach : well, well, Keith Scott. What do you know? Keith : How you doing, whitey? Coach : Take a load off. Keith : You, uh, you got a second? Coach : Oh, I got a lot of seconds. Or haven't you heard? Keith : Oh, yeah, I heard. [Keith takes out a flask and offers the coach a drink] Coach : Just a little. A little more. That's good. That's good. I saw your little brother today -- Danny. He called me "despicable." Said I crush the dreams of young men. Keith : was he talking about himself or Nathan, do you think? Coach : Both, I suppose. Hey, what did you average when you played for me? Keith : Oh, about 5,006 beers a night. [ Laughs ] Coach : well, at least you were consistent. Keith : Yeah, you gotta give me that. Hey, you know, uh... Lucas plays. Coach : Lucas? Oh. Oh, Dan's other son. Keith : Well, Karen's son. Dan's on the birth certificate, but they never got married. Coach : Where does he play? Keith : Uh...This park down by the river. Coach : Oh, come on, Keith . If the kid had any promise, he'd be in the gym with the real players. Keith : Like Nathan, you mean? Come on, coach. Just take a little drive with me. [At the park] Mouth : Luke is on fire tonight. How do you say "hot" in French? Boy : Flambé. Mouth : Luke is flambé. Fergie finds Luke, who takes out junk again. Boy : They never learn, Mouth. Keith : That's what I'm talking about. Coach : All right, and I'm not saying I am. Why put him through that? Keith : Because he should know that he's good -- not just playground good, but good, period. He could use that in his life. Coach : We could all use that in our lives. Keith : Yeah. But we had our chance. Coach : So, you and Karen -- are you, uh... Friends. Keith : Um... You know, I'm the kid's uncle, and I'm in their lives. It is what it is. Coach : I remember when Dan told me Karen was pregnant right after their senior year I told him he should honor his scholarship and go to college. Keith : I'll tell you one thing -- you did Karen a favor. And Lucas, too. Now maybe you can do me one. [In Peyton's room] Nathan : What are you wasting your time at now? Peyton: I didn't hear you come in. Nathan : Oh, imagine that. You know nobody listens to this crap. Peyton : So, I waited for you tonight. Nathan : Yeah, the guys wanted to tip a few. Peyton : And you didn't even think to let me know? Nathan : That's why I came by. You want to come? Peyton : With the guys? Nathan : And me. Peyton : And the guys. Nathan : you know what, Peyton? I'm getting really tired of this. I came here to spend time with you. Peyton : Yeah, me and half the team. Nathan : You want to be a @#%$? That's cool. Just listen to your loser rock, and I'll see you tomorrow. Peyton : How about you don't see me tomorrow? Nathan : Like I don't have other options. Look, I'm sorry. Peyton, I'm really sorry. It's just a lot of these guys got suspended, so it's like this stupid bonding thing. Look, I wish it was just you and me. But I was hoping you'd come anyway -- make it a lot more bearable, okay? [The coach enters a classroom, where Lucas, Nathan, and Peyton are] Coach : Scott. Nathan : What's up, coach? Coach : Not you. You. [points to Lucas] You- [points to Nathan] read a book or something. [The coach and Lucas are talking in the gym] Coach : Nice, isn't it? A lot of people like their gyms loud. I like mine like this -- quiet, clean... Kind of like a church. A lot of praying done here, anyway. You played ball in grade school. Why'd you quit? Lucas : I didn't. Coach : What, four guys in the park? That's not exactly basketball. Lucas : Then what do you think we're doing out there? Coach :I don't know. Planning a bank job? Look, I've got an opening in my lineup, varsity. Chance of a lifetime. What do you say? Lucas : I say those people that pray here are wasting their time. God doesn't watch sports. [Back in the park] Skills : Were you gonna tell us, man? Lucas : It's nothing. Skills : Whitey asked you to play on the team, and it's nothing? Lucas : It's nothing 'cause I'm not playing -- not with those guys. Skills : Luke, man, I've been guarding you almost every night since we was 12 years old, right? Lucas : And I won how many games? Skills : It just seems like a waste to me, man. Lucas : Well, it doesn't to me. Don't you guys ever think that maybe we belong here? Skills : No. We belong here. You've never belonged here. Lucas : Thanks a lot, skills. Just shoot for teams. Skills : Yo, luke, man, you know you're one of my best friends, right? Ain't nothing never gonna change that, man. But keep it real. We ain't shooting for teams. We're shooting to be your excuse. And I ain't about to be a part of that, man. [As Lucas comes home, he sees a package. He opens it and it's a uniform. He is trying it on as his mom walks in.] Lucas : Somebody left it at the door. KAREN: Take it off. [Karen goes outside, and Lucas follows] Lucas : Mom, you okay? KAREN: Yeah. Karen : Do you know who left it? Lucas : Coach Durham, probably. He asked me to play. Karen : Maybe you should. [ Chuckles ] Lucas : you sound like Skills. Those guys refused to play today. They said they didn't want to be my excuse. Karen : How'd you feel about that? Lucas : Honestly? I was pissed. Those guys are supposed to be my friends. Karen : They are your friends. [She shows him a picture of himself as a boy, with a basketball] Karen : Do you remember that? Lucas : My first leather basketball. That was the year that skills' father told us there was no Santa Claus. Karen : Yeah, and I tried to talk you out of it. [ Chuckles ] Karen : then you said something I'll never forget. You said you felt bad for the kids who never figured it out, because when they grew up and had kids of their own, there wouldn't be any gifts on Christmas morning. You're a good kid, Luke. But sometimes I feel like you're sitting out your life on account of me, and I don't want that for you. My past is not your future, okay? [SCENE_BREAK] [Nathan is lifting weights when his dad comes in] Dan : What are you slinging? Nathan : About 160. Dan : Give me that. Your mom called. She won't be back --what do you know about Whitey inviting... Nathan : Your son to play? Dan : Don't call him that. Nathan : He's got our last name, dad. Dan : The fact that he shares your last name is only wishful thinking on his mother's part. We were young -- summer after high school. We made a mistake. Nathan : You made a mistake, all right. I mean, this guy's a zombie. Dan : Okay. Nathan : Look, it's kind of screwed up, all right? People talk about it. [ Grunts ] Dan : get out of there. [Dan takes the weights] Dan : I want you to go to this kid, encourage him not to play. Nathan : I'm not afraid of him, dad. Dan : Well, you should be. We've worked too hard to have anyone coming in now, disrupting the offense, taking away shots. Anyway, this has more to do with Whitey and me than you. Nathan : Why do you say that? Dan : It's a long story. If you want, I'll tell you someday. But for now, I want you to go to this kid and talk to him and trust me when I tell you, Nathan, there's a bigger picture here -- and this kid's not in it. [Nathan is talking to his friends] Boy : So, your pops finally mentioned the @#%$ spawn, huh? They say he's got game. Maybe we could use him. Nathan : Please. I can get us to the state championship with three blind guys and a cripple, which is practically what I got with you and what's left. Boy : So, where are we going? Nathan : Let's go to the park. [Dan and his friend go to the park to watch Lucas play] Nathan : Nice shot. Think you can hit that against a double team, down by 2, packed house telling you you suck? How about just two people telling you you suck? Lucas : What do you want? Nathan : What do I want? What do you want, man? I mean, other than my girlfriend and my spot in the lineup, huh? None of us want you on the team, man. I don't want you. The guys don't want you. My girlfriend sure as hell doesn't want you. --but here's the deal. --You and me, one on one. You can name the time and place. If you win, I'll quit the team. If I win, you crawl back in your little hole and you remember your place in all this. Time and place, baby. Time and place. [Dan walks off] Haley : So, Nathan challenged you. Are you gonna play him? Lucas :I don't know. It's not like I have anything to prove. Haley : But don't you just want to show him sometimes -- oh, damn! [A flock of birds flys in front of Lucas and Haley] Haley : What is up?! I was attacked Boy: a flock of crows last week! I'm totally serious! Lucas : by the way, it's a murder. Haley : What? Lucas : More than one crow is a murder Haley : I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Lucas :A parliament of owls, an exultation of larks, a murder of crows. Haley : I think that is why people think you're weird, right there. [ Chuckles ] Lucas : ah, man. I would like to show him sometimes, though, what a mistake he's made. Haley : Dan? Lucas : Mostly for mom... And...Sometimes for me. Haley : So, Luke, what are ravens -- I mean, more than one? Lucas : An unkindness. [Peyton's car breaks down. Keith and Lucas are working on a car at the shop] Keith : Why wouldn't you play? Lucas :I do play -- every night. Keith : It's not the same, Luke. Lucas : Why? What makes it less of a game if people don't see it? Keith : I'll tell you why. When I was a kid, my father took me to Raleigh to see David Thompson play. I was 9 years old. I couldn't have cared less about basketball. But when Thompson stepped on the court, he was so young, so quick, and just so graceful that I was mesmerized. I couldn't take my eyes off him until late in the game, and I look up at my dad, and he's got tears in his eyes. 14,000 strangers and my father's crying because he's so beautiful. He played with such poetry that he made us feel like we were a part of it. You have a gift, Luke, and it's a crime not to let people see it, to hide it in the park. It's a damn shame. That's why. [The phone rings] Keith : Keith 's body shop and towing. [Lucas goes to tow Peyton's car] Lucas : That's me inside your head. Peyton : What ? Lucas : NOFX. (That's me inside your head it's the lyrics from) Peyton : I know the song. [ Peyton uses her cell phone] Peyton : Nathan...It's me. All right, well, listen, my car broke down. You're gonna have to come pick me up. So leave the gym. Listen, it'll take you, like, 10 minutes. I'm on River Road around the curve. Well, sucks to be you. Lucas : Listen, are you sure you got a ride? I mean, I can wait if you want. Peyton : Yeah, that's what I want. Listen, have your dad call me with an estimate. Lucas : My uncle? Peyton : If that's your story. Lucas : Can I ask you a question? Peyton : It's a free country. Lucas : Why are you a cheerleader? No offense or anything, but you're about the least cheery person I now. [Dan comes to see Keith at the shop] Dan :Keith ! Hey! Hey, how you been, big brother? Keith : Not bad. How about you? Dan : Good, good. Dealership's good. I sent you some business not long ago. Keith : Oh, yeah, I, uh... I meant to call you and thank you for that. Dan : Yeah. Well, we're all busy, right? Right. [Peyton is still waiting] Lucas : Come on. Let me give you a ride. I'll let you insult me. Peyton : First of all, you don't know me. Second of all, you don't know me. God, why are guys such jerks?! Lucas : Guys or Nathan? Peyton : Him. You. Lucas : I don't know. We share the same father. Peyton : Yeah, I heard that. He's kind of an @#%$. So that must suck, having to see him around. Lucas : For my mom. I never knew him. Peyton : But she told you he was your dad? Lucas : Yeah, eventually. We used to play in junior leagues together -- me and Nathan. Peyton : Basketball? Lucas : Yeah, and I loved it, and I was good at it. You ever have something that you knew that you were better at than almost anybody else? Peyton : s*x. --- Joke. Lucas : Anyway...Guys kept teasing me about it, about how Nathan's dad was my dad, too. So I asked my mom, and she said he wasn't. But I get home, and I hear her crying in her room. I knew it was true. So I never went back. I told my mom it was because I didn't want to have to see his face. But... It was mostly because... I didn't want her to have to. [ Sighs ] Peyton : So, why'd you just tell me all that? I mean, we don't even know each other. Lucas : Maybe that's the point. [At the shop] Dan : Nathan's got a shot here, Keith -- a real future. Keith : A real future. Let me ask you something. Do you ever even think about Lucas' future? Do you ever think about that? Dan : I can't change the fact this kid exists. If I could, I would. The truth is, I told Karen I'd take care of it. But she -- [ keys jingle as Lucas walks in- he throws the key and runs out ] [ basketball bouncing- Lucas confronts Nathan ] Lucas : tomorrow night, at the riverfront. But if I win, I'm gonna want something else. [At the car dealership, Karen comes to see Dan] Dan : I love that car. I love that car. My wife's got that car. I'm guessing you're not car shopping. Karen : He's a boy who wants to play basketball, reluctantly. I find it horrifying and amusing it takes something as simple as that to bring you around. Dan : I'm only thinking of the kid. Karen : You have no right to think of him, not today or any other day of his life. Dan : Are you finished? Karen : I haven't even started. We've asked nothing of you, and you have delivered in fine fashion. I'll expect that to continue. If Lucas decides to play, you'll do nothing. Anything else might make me angry and detract from the pleasant, cordial side you see now. Dan : You know, I know your son doesn't exactly fit in, but Nathan is all-state, and I'm not sure why you'd want to humiliate your kid like that. Karen : You're right, Dan. I'd rather not humiliate him. You've done that enough. Nathan. [At home, Dan sees Nathan has a pierced nipple] Nathan : What's up, dad? Dan : If I wanted a daughter, I'd adopt one. Nathan : So you could abandon her, too? Just a joke, dad. Dan : Yeah. And this bet tonight -- is that a joke, too? Or would you really quit the team? You have everything to lose here and nothing to gain. Nathan : Sometimes what you call "everything," I call "nothing." Dan : I just think it's best if you don't do this, Nathan. We'll find another way. Nathan : No. Dad, I do a lot of stuff for you -- almost everything. But I'm gonna do this for me. [Peyton walks out of Nathan's room wearing a towel] Peyton : Hi, Mr. Scott. [Keith and Karen are talking] Karen : So, I would have preferred a warning shot on this one -- something to let me know what was coming with Lucas. Keith : Yeah, that's fair enough. But you should see him play, Karen. I mean, it's like -- it's like poetry, you know? And he's gonna be fine. Karen : Yeah, I know. Do you ever wonder about it, Keith -- how we got to this? Keith : Hanging out in the old cafe, lamenting the past, Haley listening in from behind? Haley : I am not listening. Okay, I was. I am. Keith : Right. I just wondered how we got here so fast. Karen : I don't know. When I see Lucas in high school, it all seems like a blink of an eye. But otherwise, it seems like it's been forever. [Peyton joins Lucas on the roof, and turns the lights on] Lucas : Wow. Peyton : Yeah. Lucas : This place looks great. Peyton : Thanks. I just finished putting up the lights. Miniature golf is never going to be the same. your mom is worried. She's downstairs with keith picking through her past. Lucas : Do you think I'm being selfish playing Nathan? Peyton : Do you? Lucas : A little bit. I mean, if I walked away, then my mom wouldn't be downstairs worried about it now. Haley : You know, I don't say things like this very often 'cause it sounds weird, but... You're a really good guy, and I'm glad we're friends. But you and your mom worry too damn much. [Back at the park, Mouth is getting ready to announce the game] Mouth: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to an historic night of basketball. I'm Mouth McFadden, along with my gamey partner, Jimmy Edwards, and, Jimmy, we're in for a treat tonight. Jimmy : And who doesn't love a treat, Mouth? I know I do -- s'mores, ice cream, cake. Peyton : So, if you're not doing it for your dad, then why are you doing it? Nathan : You wouldn't get it. I guess not. Peyton : So what if this guy plays? Are you really that threatened? Nathan : I'm not threatened Boy : anyone. Peyton : Well, then, why do it? To prove okay, so, what if he wins? What does he get? Nathan : He gets you. [ Spectators talking indistinctly ] Mouth : just moments before the stroke of 12:00, and still no Nathan Scott. Jimmy : The natives are getting restless, Mouth, judging by the crowd that envelops our booth. Junk : You don't have a booth. Mouth : Junk Moreti joins us now. Junk, you care to make a prediction? Junk : I predict you guys will be the two biggest morons out here. Mouth : And it looks like Nathan Scott has arrived, driven by car right onto the court. Crowd: [ Chanting ] Nathan! Nathan! Boy : by the way, I hope you don't mind, but I told a few people. [Chanting continues, cheers and applause as the game starts] Boy : come on, let's go, ba Boy: Let's go, Nathan! [Spectators cheer] Mouth: okay, folks, here we go -- 15 by ones. Make it, take it, win by one, and you can feel the intensity in the air. Nathan : You ready for this? Lucas : Why not? Nathan : It's your life. Lucas : Yeah. It is. Mouth : Oh-ho! A 25-footer rips the silk like Jimmy Edwards in a size 3 dress. Nathan : L Go ahead, man. I'll give you that all night. [ Cheers and applause ] Lucas : what happened to all night? Nathan : Is that all you got, man? If that's all you got, this is over. Mouth : Yeah! All right! Jimmy : This looks to be a battle, mouth. Uhh! Yeah! Yeah! [The game goes on with both boys making great shots. Nathan elbows Lucas in the face] Lucas : No foul. Basket counts. Besides... You won't score again. Mouth : Oh, the basket counts, and it's 14-12, game point for Nathan. He could win it all right here. Nathan for the win. Holy crap! [Lucas makes an unbelievable block] Mouth : Did you see that?! Someday men will write stories about that block. Children will be named after it. Argentinean women will weep for it. Luke gets a basket, and he's down Boy : one. Nathan : You're down by one, man. Don't choke now. Mouth : Another dagger, and it's all tied up! I think I'm gonna puke. Crownd : Come on, Nate! Come on, shut him down, Nathan! Mouth : This is it, folks -- no going back now. The next basket wins it. Nathan : He's never mentioned you, man --not once in all these years. Lucas : This is for my mom. [Lucas makes the winning shot!] Mouth : Luke for the win! It's good! It's good! Lucas Scott takes it 15-14, and there is bedlam and delirium and felicity for all! Peyton : So, what did you bet? I win Nathan stays on the team Peyton : why? Lucas : Because it's the last thing he wants. And anyway, it's not about him. [Nathan comes back] Nathan : Peyton. Lucas : I'll be seeing you. [Scenes switch back and forth between all the main characters as we hear Lucas' voice] Lucas : There is a tide in the affairs of men... Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune... Nathan : Don't worry, dad. Your dreams are still safe. ... Lucas : But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries... On such a full sea are we now afloat... ...And we must take the current when it serves... ...Or lose the ventures before us. [In the final scene, Lucas enters the gym. Everyone stops playing and stares at him. The scene pans out, and to the park]

Aside from a love for hoops, it would seem that Lucas and Nathan are two young men with little in common, but they are bound by the dark secret that they share the same father. Nathan is the star of the high school basketball team called the Ravens and local town hero, while Lucas is the only child of a single working mom. Now the two boys' lives collide when a twist of fate puts Lucas on Nathan's team and the half-brothers compete, not only for control of the court, but also for the heart of Nathan's girlfriend, Peyton.

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[Scene: Quake. Phoebe's walking through the crowd.] Phoebe: Oops, sorry. (She walks over to Piper.) Piper: I'm gonna kill him. Phoebe: Who? Piper: Chef Moore. He, of the phony accent, hires me and then quits to open his new place. Thank you very much. Phoebe: I don't see any customers complaining. Piper: Hello, I am not a restaurant tour. I'm a chef. I have no idea what I am doing. Are you wearing my dress? (Britney comes up to them.) Phoebe: Hey, Britney. Ooh, I love that tattoo. Britney: Thanks. Phoebe: I thought it was illegal to get them on your hand because of the veins. Britney: In the States, yeah. I got it done in Tahiti. (She hands Piper some money.) Keep the change, Piper. I gotta jam. Piper: Okay, say hi to Max. Britney: Bye. Piper: (to a waitress) Table nine please. (Phoebe sees a guy and has a premonition.) Now, back to my dress. Phoebe: Okay, see that poster boy to your left? (Piper looks at him.) Just glance, don't be obvious. Piper: I approve, who is he? Phoebe: His name is Alec and he's about to come over and ask if he could by me a martini. Piper: How do you know? Phoebe: Let's just say I saw the age old problem of who approaches who. I had a little premonition. Piper: What? Phoebe, you are not supposed to use your powers, we agreed. Phoebe: No, you and Prue agreed. I abstained. Besides, it's not like I can control it, it just popped into my head. Piper: That's the whole point. None of us can control our powers. That's what scares me. I could panic and freeze the entire restaurant. Phoebe: Shh, here he comes. (Alec walks over to Phoebe.) Alec: I was just sitting over there wondering if I could buy you a martini or something. Phoebe: Martini, hmm, imagine that. I would love one. It's Alec, right? Alec: Yeah, how'd you know my name? Phoebe: Wild guess. Do you wanna grab a table? Alec: Yeah. Piper: (to Phoebe) Prue is gonna be pissed. Phoebe: News flash. Stop worrying, you'll get wrinkles. [Cut to outside. Britney walks to her car. She gets in. She adjusts her rear vision mirror. She sees someone sitting in the back seat and she screams.] [Scene: Andy's apartment. Andy is asleep in his bed. Prue's there sneaking around and putting her clothes on. Andy makes a noise and rolls over. His alarm clock beeps and she uses her power to throw is out the window. Prue leaves. Andy wakes up.] Andy: Prue? Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's watching TV and whisking some eggs. Prue comes in.] Prue: Morning. Piper: Morning. Prue: What are you watching? Piper: Nothing. (She turns off the TV.) Just a show. Prue: About witches? Are you worried we're gonna be burnt at the stake? Piper: Yeah, right. By the way, Andy called. Prue: When? Piper: While you were in the shower. Bad date? Prue: No. No, no. Not at all. It was great. You know, dinner, movie, s*x. Piper: Excuse me? On you're first date? You sleaze. Prue: It wasn't exactly our first date, Piper. Piper: High school doesn't count. That was last decade. Spill it. (Prue walks in the living room.) Ooh, that bad, huh? Prue: No, actually that good. It was... well, we were naked. But that's not the point. I told myself that things would be different. That we would take it slow. It just shouldn't of happened, that's all. (Phoebe comes down the stairs.) Phoebe: What shouldn't of happened? Piper: Prue slept with Andy. Phoebe: Hello. Prue: Thanks a lot, mouth. Phoebe: Wait, you were gonna tell her but not me? Family meeting. Prue: Speaking of last night. What time did you end up rolling in? Phoebe: No, no, no. Do not change the subject. Prue: Don't dodge the question. Piper: It must of been at least after three. (They walk in the solarium. Prue sits down.) Phoebe: I must be still be in New York time. Prue: Actually, that would make it later. Piper: Or maybe you and Alec. Prue: Who's Alec? Piper: Some hottie she hit on in the restaurant. Phoebe: Excuse me, where vision is history, he hit on me. Remember, the whole vision thing. Prue: Vision thing? Please tell me you didn't use your powers. (Phoebe doesn't say anything. Prue looks at Piper.) Piper: Don't put me in the middle. Prue: I'm not. You were born in the middle. Look, I thought that we agreed. Phoebe: No, we didn't. You agreed. You laid down the law. There's a difference. Prue: Phoebe, our powers aren't toys. We have to be careful or they can get us killed. Piper: She's right. We don't want any warlocks finding us. Phoebe: Look, it was just a lousy premonition, that's all. Nobody died. Besides, you guys can't control control your powers any better than I can. And F.Y.I. nothing happened last night. At least nothing I'm ashamed of. Prue: There's another reason we have to be careful. Andy thinks someone's abducting women in our area. Phoebe: Abducting women? What do you mean? Prue: I mean warlocks aren't the only evil we have to watch out for. And F.Y.I. I'm not ashamed of anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. Andy's looking at a picture of Brittany. He hands it to Morris. Max is there.] Max: She didn't come home at all last night. That's not like Brittany, believe me. Morris: Tell me, Max. What time did she leave to go to Quake? Max: 8:30. She called around ten, said she was coming home. But I'm really worried. Andy: Chances are she'll show up. Usually do. The best thing to do right now is to go home and see if she calls, alright. Will you do that? Max: Yeah, thanks. (Max leaves.) Andy: Forth one this week. Morris: Yeah, well, they can't just be disappearing into thin air. Do something to your hair? Andy: At least we narrowed down his feeding pool to the area around the restaurant. Morris: Yeah, well, better tell your sweetie to lock the door at night. [Scene: Outside a church. Piper's sitting in her car. Someone knocks on the window. Piper gets a fright.] Piper: Pastor Williams, you scared me. Pastor Williams: I'm sorry. Aren't you a little early? Dropping off the unused food from the restaurant. I thought you weren't coming by until this afternoon. Piper: I am. I mean, I'm coming back with everything. Pastor Williams: Great. So what are you doing here now? Piper: Nothing really. Just, uh, just thinking. Pastor Williams: About? Piper: Mary Esty. Pastor Williams: Who? Piper: It's just a stupid documentary I saw. By the way, is it true that evil beings can't go into a church without being... (She makes a noise and moved her hands to show they were hit by lightning. They laugh.) Pastor Williams: Evil beings? You mean, like what? Vampires? Piper: Vampires, no. I was thinking more on the lines of witches. Pastor Williams: Witches, huh? Let me out it to you this way. I sure wouldn't wanna risk it. I gotta go. I'll see you later? Piper: Yeah, right, absolutely. (He leaves. Piper gets out of her car and walks over to the door. Just as she's about to grab the handle, there's a crack of thunder and she runs away.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's running towards an elevator.] Prue: Hold the door. (She runs in the elevator and drops her briefcase. Everything falls out of it.) Damn it. Rex, can you push twelve please? (He does so.) Rex: Here let me help. (He bends down and picks up some papers.) Eighteenth century French art. Do you work in the auction house upstairs? Prue: No, just interviewing, if I ever get there in time. Don't let me get my King Louies' mixed up. (Prue's phone rings. She answers it.) Hello? Uh, Andy, how did you get this number? Andy: Prue, I think we should talk. Prue: Yeah, it's just that I'm really late for this interview. Andy: I didn't mean for what happened last night to happen, Prue. You have to know that, Prue. Prue: Of course I'm you know, totally wrong for it anyway, stuffy old auction house. I don't even know why you called. Andy: Come on, Prue. Listen to me. We've known each other for a long time. We just couldn't help ourselves. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Prue: I know, Andy. Andy: All we did was make love. Prue: I know, Andy. Andy: Talk to me, help me out here, Prue. Why'd you sneak out like that? Prue: I did not sneak out. Right, you were asleep. I didn't want to wake you. And I did write, you know, I just didn't leave it. (The phone crackles.) Hello? Hello? (She hangs up. The door on the elevator starts to open but Prue uses her power to make it close.) Guy: Hey, it missed my floor. (Prue uses her power so it misses everyone else's floor and it goes straight to floor twelve.) Rex: That was strange. Lucky you, huh? (The door opens.) Prue: Yeah, I'm charmed alright. [Scene: Quake. Phoebe hands a menu to a guy. There's a woman sitting next to him.] Phoebe: He you go. Stefan: Thank you. Phoebe: Excuse me, but aren't you Stefan? Stefan: Yes. I'm sorry, do we know each other? Phoebe: Oh, highly doubtful. I'm just familiar with your work. Like everyone else in the world. Stefan: Well, I don't know about that. Well, I'll take a compliment from a gorgeous woman. Phoebe: I'm sure your girlfriend must appreciate that. Stefan: (whispering) She's not my girlfriend. Phoebe: (whispering) Then why are you whispering? Woman: Excuse me. (She leaves.) Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, okay. Well, it was really nice meeting you. Stefan: You too. Listen, listen. I'm in town for a couple of days doing a Porsche shoot. If you're interested, stop by. I would love to photograph you. You do model don't you? Phoebe: In my dreams, yeah. (He writes down the address and gives it to her. She smiles and walks away. Piper comes up to her.) Piper: A driver just called in sick. Can you do a quick delivery? Phoebe: Sure. Is that guy at the bar staring at me? Piper: There are a lot of guys at the bar staring at you. Phoebe: The one at the far end. Tall, dark, brooding, very New York. Piper: Sorry, no. (Phoebe looks over and Stefan is gone.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue and a woman are walking towards an office.] Woman: He's seen your resume and is very impressed. I gotta tell you, it's already blown out six other applicants. Prue: I still don't know why he's interested. I never even applied. Woman: He likes what you did at the museum. Even though your ex-boss trashed you. What's Roger got against you anyway? Prue: Hard to say. Unless shattering his ego counts for something. He's also my ex-fiancé. Woman: Got it. You ready? Prue: Yeah. (They walk in the office. Rex is there.) Woman: Rex Buckland, this is Prue Halliwell. Interviewing for the new specialist. Rex: Actually we've already met. Welcome to my stuffy auction house. [Scene: Stefan's photography place. There is a woman tied to a table.] Woman: Please, don't hurt me. Let me go. Please, Stefan. (Stefan walks up to her and you see he is really old.) Stefan: It's Javna. (His eyes glow and a really bright light comes out of his eyes and goes into hers. She screams and she turns into an old woman. Stefan then turns young again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Rex's office. He's interviewing Prue.] Rex: How many divisions did you correct? Prue: Seven, including the colonist estate. It should be on my resume. Rex: Franklin Carlton. That's quite a coup. Prue: Well, I tend to be on the persistent side. I usually get what I want. Rex: A no doubter. It's a shame though that you think you're... how did you put it in the elevator? Totally wrong for the job. Prue: That was a private phone conversation. Rex: Hardly. Prue: You called me, remember. Not the other way around. And while we're at it, I think it's incredibly unfair that you eavesdrop on a private call and then you judge me based entirely on what you thought you heard. Rex: I apologize. It was unfair of me. I'm new of all this. I've only just taken over the house from my father, so I'm very protective of it. But knowing that, what you did at the museum, attracting the younger market, it's totally consistent of what I want to do there. It's just when all these qualifications are signed, It's very important to me that whoever I hire, truly wants to be here. (The intercom beeps.) Yep. Secretary's voice: Excuse me, Mr. Buckland. Your next interview is waiting. Should I reschedule him? Rex: No, I think we're done here. Prue: Well, thanks for your time. (She walks over to the door, stops and turns around.) My area of expertise ranges from Ming Dynasty to a Mark McGuire ricky baseball card. You name it - I can identify it. Now, I may not of solved this job originally, but I do want it. And I am definitely right for it. [Scene: The Church. Phoebe and Piper get out of the Quake van.] Phoebe: You would think after last night, Prue would be a lot mellower. I mean, how long had it been? Six months? Which is worse. Piper: It's just so un-Prue like to have s*x on the first date. I mean, everything's changing since we've become... you know. (They start getting the stuff out of the back of the van.) Phoebe: Come on, you've never had s*x on the first date? Piper: No, have you? Don't answer that. Phoebe: Well, it's not a regular thing. Of course now that I'm a witch I can see if it's gonna be any good or not before it actually... (She notices an elderly man standing next to her. She hands him a tray.) Hi. (He walks away.) Piper: What's the matter with you? Are you outta your mind? Phoebe: Come on, it's not like he took me literally. Piper: You don't know that, he could of. I just think we need to be extra careful. In bed and out. Pheobe: Okay, well there's careful and then there's paranoid. Do you wanna talk about it? Piper: Talk about what? (Pastor Williams comes up to them.) Pastor Williams: Hey, Phoebe, I didn't know you were back in town. Phoebe: Hey. (They hug.) Pastor Williams: Say goodbye to the Big Apple did you? Phoebe: Oh, I ate the worm. Hey, I'm gonna go get some gum. Do you guys want anything? Pastor Williams: No thanks. (Piper shakes her head.) Phoebe: Okay, good to see you. Pastor Williams: You too. (Phoebe walks away.) Piper: Okay, here's the deal. I got this friend. Has a little problem. Could be bad. Not quite sure what to tell her. Pastor Williams: You wanna go inside? Piper: No. I mean, I've gotta get going. Pastor Williams: So what's the problem? Piper: Well, she kinda, sort of thinks she might be a witch. Pastor Williams: Witches again, huh? Piper: Not a good thing is it? Pastor Williams: Certainly not a question I get everyday. How well do you remember Sunday school lessons? I suggest 22:18. Thou shall not suffer a witch to live. Piper: Meaning... Pastor Williams: If you go by the old school, it means put her to death. She's evil. [Cut to Phoebe. She's at the store. She grabs a magazine and some gum and walks up to the counter.] Phoebe: Here you go. Guy: $3.52. Elderly man: Should be used on grandchildren's birthdays. (He's holding a lottery ticket. Phoebe looks over at him.) It's a ten million dollar jackpot. Who knows? I mean, today may be our lucky day. If not, we're gonna lose our house. (Phoebe touches a lottery ticket and she has a premonition of the lottery numbers.) Phoebe: 4, 16, 19, 30, 32 and 40. Those are the winning numbers. Guy: Yeah, yeah, right lady. You want this stuff or don't you? Phoebe: (to the elderly man) 4, 16, 19, 30, 32 and 40. Trust me, Mr. Today is your lucky day. I think I'll buy one of these lottery tickets too. [Cut back to the church. Piper's waiting in the car. Phoebe gets in with a smile on her face.] Phoebe: Ready? Let's go. Piper: What are you smiling about? Phoebe: Nothing. [Scene: Outside Quake. Morris and Andy are sitting in the car.] Andy: What do you want me to say? This does not feel right to me about this, I can't help it. Morris: Here we go again. Andy: I mean, where are they, alright? What's this guy doing to these poor women? Morris: Thinking alien abduction are ya? Andy: I'm serious, Morris. Morris: I know, that's what scares me. Let me guess, favourite movie when growing up - Ghostbusters? Look, we got a crazy, Trudeau. Likes the pretty ladies. That's it, the end. If he goes back looking make the world a safer place. That too hard to follow? Andy: Evil dead II. Favourite movie growing up. Just for the record. (Andy sees Prue get out of her car.) Morris: Bank across the street, I think we should grab the ATM tapes and see if... (Andy gets out of the car.) Whoa, whoa, where are going? No, no, forget it Romeo. You're not blowing our cover. Andy: Come on, Morris. Cut me some slack. I have to talk to her. Please? Five minutes, that's all I need. [Cut inside Quake. Prue walks up to Piper.] Piper: Cindy, come on, your salmon's up. Hector, way behind. We need clean plates. Prue: You didn't give Andy my cell phone number by any chance did you? Piper: No, why? Prue: Never mind. Piper: Remind me I wanted to do this for a living, right? Prue: Looks like you're not the only one of us who's going to be doing anything for a living. Look how bad my interview went. Piper: I can't imagine you were less then stellar. (Prue notices Phoebe sitting at a table with Stefan.) Prue: What's Phoebe doing here? Piper: Flirting. Prue: Yeah, and she's wearing Armani. Where did she get that? Piper: Not from my closet. I gotta go. (She walks away. Prue walks up to Phoebe.) Phoebe: Prue, hi. This is my other sister. Prue, this is Stefan the photographer. Stefan: Pleasure. Prue: Likewise. (They shake hands.) Nice dress. Phoebe: Don't worry, it's not yours. Prue: I know. I could never afford it. Phoebe: Will you excuse me for one minute? I'll be right back. (Phoebe and Prue walk away. Stefan looks at his hand and it's turning really old.) [Cut to the kitchen. Prue and Phoebe walk in.] Prue: How are you gonna pay for that? You're broke. Phoebe: Not for long. Prue: What does that mean? You didn't use your powers again? Phoebe: Maybe. Are you telling me you haven't? Prue: No, I'm not telling you that but we're not talking about me are we? (Piper comes up to them.) Piper: What are you guys doing in here? Phoebe: Same thing we do at home. Prue: What, did you go to the tracks, play the market, what? Phoebe: The lottery. Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: What did you want me to do? Ignore the premonition? Not help a needy family. That's what we're supposed to do, right? Prue: No, we are not supposed to use our powers for our own personal gain. That's what it says in the Book Of Shadows. Piper: Not so loud. Phoebe: You said we needed money, right? We'll I'm getting some. Piper: Come on, you guys. Prue: Well, get a job like everybody else. Phoebe: I'm using my mind instead. (Andy enters the kitchen.) Andy: Prue? (Andy bumps into a guy holding plates.) Piper: Watch it! (Piper freezes everyone and the plates before they hit the ground.) Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, not again. Prue: Now look what you've done. Phoebe: This is my fault? Piper: You guys aren't freezing? Phoebe: I guess it doesn't work on witches. Piper, how long does it last? (Prue looks outside the kitchen and sees that no one is frozen.) Piper: I don't know, not long. Prue: Uh, it doesn't work out there either. Piper: Oh, tell me this isn't happening. [Cut to outside the kitchen. Morris walks in.] [Cut back in the kitchen.] Phoebe: Calm down, it's okay. It's all gonna be okay. (Prue looks outside again and notices Morris walking towards the kitchen.) Prue: Oh, God, Andy's partner just came in and he's headed this way. Piper: What are we gonna do? Phoebe: Stall him. (Prue runs out of the kitchen.) Prue: Hey, Inspector Morris, right? Morris: That's right. Is Trudeau in there? Prue: Uh, Andy? I don't know is he? [Cut back in the kitchen. Phoebe's fanning Piper with a menu.] Phoebe: Okay, breathe, Piper, breathe. (Just as Morris opens the door, everyone unfreezes and the plates fall on the floor and break.) Andy: I really think we should... (He notices Morris there.) talk. What are you doing here? I thought I had five minutes. Morris: Yeah, I gave you ten. Piper: Guys, you know, we're really busy in here. Andy: Yeah, sure. Prue: Uh, I'll call you later, I promise. Andy: Okay. Phoebe: Bye. (They leave.) Piper: I hate being a witch. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper's looking in the Book Of Shadows. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Hey, what are you doing? Piper: Reading. Thinking. Phoebe: About what? Piper: About how totally screwed we are now that we're witches. Phoebe: Oh, that. Piper: You don't understand, you don't think we are. You're never afraid of anything. I envy that about you, I always have. Phoebe: Yeah, well, don't because it gets me in trouble sometimes. Piper, talk to me. Piper: I don't know, it's like our whole lives have been like everybody else. Rushing off to work, going out on bad dates, buying shoes and suddenly we wake up one day and everything is different. We're witches now. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Phoebe: Are you kidding? It's a great thing. Piper: You don't know that. We don't know anything about these powers. Why we have them, what they mean, where they come from. I mean, how do we know it's not... how do we know it's not from evil? Phoebe: Piper, we've been through this. We're good witches. Piper: What about Jeremy? What about all the other warlocks he said would be coming after us. How do we know we're not just like them? That is what scares me. We don't know. I just wanna be normal again. As messed up as that was. Is that too much to ask for? Phoebe: Piper, listen to me. You are the most sweetest, most caring person I've ever met. No, I mean that, you are. You're always there to help anybody, even strangers. You've been doing it your whole life. So there's no way you've been given this, this gift if it wasn't to do good things with it. To protect the innocent just like the Book Of Shadows said. Besides, if anyone is concerned of being bad, it's me, right? (Piper laughs) You've got nothing to be afraid of. I am going to get my picture taken. (She does a little pose. Piper laughs.) [Scene: At a restaurant. Prue and Andy are sitting at a table. A waitress places two cups of coffee on the table.] Andy: Thanks. Prue: (in unison with Andy) Uh, Andy. Andy: (in unison with Prue) Look, Prue. Prue/Andy: (in unison with Andy) You go first. (in unison with Prue) Go ahead. Andy: I'm not sorry it happened, Prue. Prue: Well, I have to be honest with you, Andy, I am. I mean, not because I didn't enjoy it, I did. Especially the, um... Andy: Yeah, that was great. Prue: And of course so was the, uh... Andy: That was nice too. Prue: Yeah, but, you know, that's not the point, it's... I haven't seen you in almost seven years. Just starting right back where we left off is... Andy: I know, I know, believe me. I just wanna know why you left, that's all. Why can't you tell me? What's the big secret? Prue: Believe me, you don't wanna know. Andy: Try me. Prue: Well, my life, it's gotten a little complicated and I just don't think that I should get involved in anything right now. Andy: Prue, we had s*x. It doesn't mean we have to elope. Okay, about this, why don't we just pretend it never happened? Prue: Do you want me to toss you a life preserve now, or just let you sink on your own? (Andy laughs.) Andy: No, no, I'm serious. Why don't you just count that one as part of our old relationship and we'll slow down, we'll start another. Prue, we've been given a second chance here, I don't wanna blow it this time. (Prue's phone rings and Andy's pager beeps.) Dating in the nineties. Prue: Excuse me. Hello? Uh, yeah, absolutely, I'm sure I can make that. Okay, thanks. (She hangs up.) Uh, just give me a little time to think things over, okay? (She leaves.) [Scene: Outside the church. Piper's sitting in her car.] Piper: I have nothing to be afraid of. I have nothing to be afraid of. (She gets out of her car and walks over to the church door. She holds onto the handle and pulls it open. She pokes her foot inside to make sure nothing happens. She steps inside and smiles.) I'm good! (She walks back down the stairs and Britney's there as an old woman. Piper looks at her and then her hand and sees the tattoo on it.) Britney? Britney: You know me? Is that my name? [Scene: Bucklands. Outside Rex's office. Prue's there.] Rex: Prue, thank you for coming back. Prue: Well, thanks for having me back, although I must admit I didn't expect it. Rex: I told you I was interested and I am. But first of all I decided to test your expertise if you don't mind. See how good you really are. (They walk down the hallway.) This is Hannah Webster, one of our assistant specialists. This is Prue Halliwell. (They shake hands.) Prue: Nice to meet you. Rex: Please, tell us about this piece. (They show her a painting.) Prue: Well, Madonna of Meadow, Giovanni Berlini, 16th century, fabulous piece. Worth 3, 4 million dollars easily if it wasn't a copy. Hannah: What makes you think it's a copy? Prue: Too well preserved, no yellowing. Besides, the frame support is in pine and Italian painters used poplar back then. Rex: Um, what about this one? Prue: Daygar. Actually, this was the only sculpture he exhibited himself. (Hannah knocks a ladder and a tin of paint falls above Prue.) Rex: Watch out! (Prue puts her hands up to block the paint and she accidentally uses her power and the paint moves and misses her.) Are you okay? Prue: Uh, uh, yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Rex: You sure? I'm sorry, I can't believe that happened. Prue: It's okay. Rex: Well, uh, I really don't know what to say, except you're hired, if you still want the job. Prue: Are you serious? Rex: Can you start Monday? Prue: Yeah, absolutely. Rex: Terrific. It's done then. Yeah, we can sort out the details when you come in. In the mean time, welcome aboard. Prue: Thanks. Bye. (Prue walks away.) Rex: Well, what do you think? Hannah: I think she's either the luckiest woman alive or she's a witch. [Scene: Manor. Prue enters.] Prue: Piper? Phoebe? Guess what? (Britney walks in the foyer.) Britney: What? (Piper walks in holding a bowl.) Piper: Prue, thank God you're home. Prue: Yeah, who, uh... Piper: Here you go, Britney. (She hands her the bowl.) Why don't you go sit down at the table, okay? There you go. (Britney walks over to the table.) Prue: Um, sorry, Britney? Piper: You're not gonna believe this. I'm not sure I do. I think... no, I know, this woman is Britney Reynolds. Prue: Yeah, right, Piper and I'm Rosey O'Donnell. Piper: No, I mean it. Britney had a tattoo, right? An angel on her right hand, remember? (Prue looks over at Britney and notices the tattoo.) Prue: That can't be. Piper: That's what I thought at first but then I started asking her some questions. Things only Britney would know. She may be senile but it was enough to convince me. [Scene: Stefan's photography place. Phoebe arrives in the van. She gets out holding a dress. She walks over and knocks on the door.] Phoebe: Stefan, it's me, Phoebe. (Phoebe touches the door handle and has a premonition of herself tied to a table and Javna's there. His eyes start glowing. The premonition ends. Phoebe runs back to her car and she gets in. Someone grabs her from the backseat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue and Phoebe walk over to the Book Of Shadows.] Prue: Piper, what are you talking about? Piper: I'm telling you. I saw something about it in the Book Of Shadows. (She starts flipping through the book. She finds the page.) Okay, look, see? Javna feeds one week out of every year, stealing the life force from the young. Prue: By evoking the black magic power, the evil eye to sustain eternal youth. Piper: It's gotta be what happened to Britney. Prue: Yeah, but there must be some kind of incantation to reverse it. Piper: There is. "The hand of fatima." It says that the Prophet Mohammad centuries ago to banish Javna back to where ever the hell he came from. Prue: Yeah, well, the problem is we don't know who Javna is, let alone where he is. [Cut to downstairs. Britney sees the address of Stefan's photograph place and she faints.] [Cut back to the attic. Prue and Piper hear her.] Piper: Britney? (They run downstairs to Britney.) Oh my God, what happened? Prue: Britney, are you alright? Piper: I'll call 911. Prue: And tell them what? That she's dying of old age at 25? (Piper picks up the napkin that the address is on.) What is it? Piper: It's a cocktail napkin from my restaurant. With Stefan's address on the back. Britney: Javna. Piper: Prue, that's where Phoebe went. [Scene: Police station. Andy and Morris are looking at security tapes.] Morris: Look at this. ATM tape caught the first victim. Andy: And she's leaving with that photographer, Stefan. Morris: ----- was the last place she was seen before she disappeared. Is he on a suspect list? Andy: Just moved to the top. Morris: God bless ATM's. [Scene: Stefan's photography place. Phoebe is tied to a table.] Phoebe: Wait, Stefan or whoever you are, let me go. Javna: It's Javna. (Javna's eyes glow and Phoebe screams.) [Cut to outside. Prue and Piper pull up in the car. They run up to the van.] Prue: Do you see anything? Piper: No. Prue... Prue: Look, we'll find her. Piper: Maybe we should call the police. Prue: No, if Javna has her then we're the only ones who can stop him. Piper: But we need Phoebe to do it. The incantation only work with the three of us. (They hear Phoebe scream.) [Cut to inside A bright light comes out of Javna's eyes into Phoebe's. Piper and Prue come in. Prue uses her power and throws Javna across the room. The bright light then goes into Prue's eyes. Piper unties Phoebe.] Piper: Phoebe, we don't have a lot of time, okay? Phoebe: Prue, grab the mirror. (Prue grabs a mirror and puts it in front of her face and reflects the light back into Javna's eyes. Prue gets the spell and they start chanting.) Prue: Now. Prue, Piper, Phoebe: "Evil eyes look unto thee, may they soon extinguished be, bend they will to the power of three, eye of earth, evil and accursed." (They repeat it. Javna turns into a skeleton and then into dust and disappears.) [Cut to the manor. Britney turns young again.] [Cut back to Prue, Piper and Phoebe.] Phoebe: Very cool. (They go outside and the police are there.) Andy: Prue? What are you doing here? Prue: Well, we were just trying to get the van started. Piper: Yeah, Phoebe called. She was having car troubles. Phoebe: Stefan was gonna take some pictures of me. Andy: Do you have any idea how lucky you are? This guy's a stalker. Morris: No sign of him inside. He's car's here so he might still be around. Andy: Excuse me. (Andy reaches in the car and starts it.) Piper: Hey, how about that. You fixed it. Andy: How about that. Phoebe: Maybe we should go. (Phoebe and Prue walk away.) Prue: Uh, thanks. Call me? Andy: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Quake. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Whoops, excuse me. (She walks up to a woman.) Hey, how are you? (The woman looks at her strangely. She goes over to Prue and Piper.) Piper: Do you know that girl? Phoebe: I almost was that girl. She was one of Stefan's victims. Obviously doesn't remember. Prue: Lucky her. Phoebe: No, lucky me. I learned my lesson. I have got to be more careful. Prue: Excuse me, did I just hear it? Did she actually admit to doing something wrong? Piper: That's what I heard. Phoebe: Frame it. It won't happen again. Piper: At least we helped those people. I mean, it's nice we know our powers really are good. Prue: Yeah, good for everything but love lives unfortunately. Although I must admit they do come in handy once in a while. Phoebe: Uh huh. Hypocrite. (Phoebe sees the lottery numbers come up on the TV screen.) The winning numbers. I've won. (Prue gives her a look.) Well, I did. (She gets the ticket out of her purse and the numbers disappear.) Prue: See, I told you. You can't intentionally use your powers for your own personal gain, remember? Phoebe: It's a good thing I didn't take the tags off that dress. Oh, well. At least those old couples didn't lose their house. Piper: A toast to the power of three. Whether we like it or not.

Phoebe meets a photographer who turns out to be a demon who sucks the youth out of young women in order to remain young. While Phoebe is with him, Piper sees her friend Brittany Reynolds, who is now elderly and has a poor memory after being attacked by the photographer. Brittany recognizes the address of the photographer, allowing Prue and Piper to arrive in time to vanquish the demon named Javna and reverse the damage it had done.

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Originally written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. MONICA: Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him? CHANDLER: You know, it's...something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. JOEY: I gotta get one, too. ROSS: What are you guys doing? CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle? ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world. JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it. ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on. CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding? CAROL: Sure. JOEY: Uh, does it hurt? CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore. JOEY: Chandler? CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it? CAROL: As much as he needs. JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger? OPENING TITLES JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one? Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. RACHEL: Thank you. What a bitch. JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it? PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet. MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you. JULIE: Great. ROSS: Hi, honey. CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums. ROSS: Hello to the rest. JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel? MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship. MONICA: But I'm-- PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street. ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow? MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal. ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this. MONICA: You're welcome. PHOEBE: Woof, woof. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey Annabelle. ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy? JOEY: Who? ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man. JOEY: What's he doin' in my section? ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know. JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? Hey, how ya doin'? TODD: Mornin'. JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory. TODD: Your territory, huh? JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men? GUY: No thanks. TODD: Hombre? GUY: Yeah. All right. TODD: You were saying? MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day. PHOEBE: What? MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch. PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have? MONICA: You had a salad. PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. RACHEL: Hey, guys, what's up. PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad. RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs. RACHEL: You bought boobs? PHOEBE: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work we could go maybe grab a cup of coffee. ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. TODD: Ready, Annabelle? ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time? JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. Bijan for men? CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son. SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person. RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him. ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever. MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. PHOEBE: Ben, dinner! ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that. PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. CHANDLER: What did you just do? PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what? ROSS: It's breast milk. PHOEBE: So? RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. JOEY: What is the big deal? CHANDLER: What did you just do? ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? PHOEBE: You won't even taste it? ROSS: No! PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it. MONICA: Hey, where is everybody? RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket. RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card. RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent. RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with? MONICA: Judy. RACHEL: Who? MONICA: Julie. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Jody. RACHEL: You were with Julie? MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping. RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god. MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. RACHEL: Yeah, right. MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out. RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. MONICA: That is not true! RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here? MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid? RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve thinks. Hi, Steve. [SCENE_BREAK] CAROL: How did we do? PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. ROSS: I did not freak out. CAROL: Why'd you freak out? ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. CAROL: My breast milk is gross? SUSAN: This should be fun. ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just don't think breast milk is for adults. CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike. CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. ROSS: That would be no. PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh-- SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice. JOEY: Exactly. ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. SUSAN: Uh huh. ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it. SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true. ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel. CHANDLER: Howdy. JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre. CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed. JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day. CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you. JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese. CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run? JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right. CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie. JOEY: I'm gonna do it. CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker. MONICA: I don't know what else to say. RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening. MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife? MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible? RACHEL: Yes. MONICA: It's that terrible? RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you. MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you. RACHEL: I love you too. PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that. MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me? RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that. MONICA: I'd do anything for you. PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait! JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'. TODD: I heard ya. STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready? TODD: Ready. JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready. CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing! STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do? TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. ANNABELLE: My god, what happened? JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now? ANNABELLE: Sure. JULIE: So. RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right? JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you. RACHEL: Really? Me? JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't. RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid. JULIE: Oy. RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right. JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something? RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it. JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later. RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.

The guys are uncomfortable by seeing Carol breastfeeding Ben. The situation is made worse by Joey and Phoebe tasting the milk. Rachel resents Monica's growing friendship with Julie, though Monica feels obligated to spend time with her brother's girlfriend. At his department store job, Joey competes with a fellow cologne spritzer for a beautiful colleague's ( Emily Procter ) affection.

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Edgar: Gretchen, will you please pass the syrup to your boyfriend? Gretchen: Ugh! Jimmy: We're eating! Edgar: What? You're boyfriend-girlfriend now, right? Gretchen: Sounds so high school. Edgar: Then what do you call each other? Your honey? Your boo? Your companion? Jimmy: What are we, gay lovers from the '80s? Gretchen: We're not calling each other anything. We just made a verbal agreement not to sleep with other people. For now. Jimmy: In a week, we could remember that monogamy is a social construct free of biological necessity. Gretchen: Or we could be invited to a really fun s*x party. Oh... Remember group s*x, Jimmy? Jimmy? Remember group s*x? Jimmy? Jimmy: Actually, I've never... Gretchen: What?! Not even a standard threesome? Edgar: Oh, Jimmy. Jimmy: You've had a threesome? Edgar: I'm an adult male in my 30s, so, yeah. (Gretchen and Edgar giggle) Anyway, uh, Lindsay and I wanted to celebrate y'all making it official, so I made a dinner reservation for four at 8 o'clock. Oh, hey, I almost forgot. This package came for you. Jimmy: Hmm. (Door shuts) Edgar: That was weird. I guess I should go give him one of my famous Edgar Quintero pep talks. Wait. Ha-ha! That's your job now. Gretchen: What? Ew. Why? Edgar: Because you're his lady. Behind every great man there's a great woman. Or, you know, someone like you. Go. I think it's time you got to know the real Jimmy. Gretchen: Do I have to? Edgar: Mm-hmm. (Gretchen whimpers) ♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪ ♪ gonna leave you anyway. ♪ Jimmy: Yes! (Jimmy clears throat) You've sold out of my book. It just goes to show that with patience and strong word of mouth, true literature... Manager: You've been remaindered, Jimmy. Your books are probably being turned into hamster bedding right now. Jimmy: What?! Well, that seems premature. Manager: Well, if we suddenly get a big rush for it, we can always send people to the dollar bin at costco. Jimmy: Oh, you would buy your food in bulk. Is that the lesbian from Roseanne? Manager: Yeah. Unlike you, she wrote a book that's selling actual copies. Jimmy: Oh, of course she did. Did they give Darlene a book? Let's give Becky two a book! I look forward to your married with children cast poetry slam. Gretchen: Dana from work liked my 'gram of the baby sneaker in the gutter. Jimmy: And her lnternet approval is meaningful because...? Gretchen: I like her and I don't have a lot of female friends. I think women are intimidated by me because I have mean cartoon eyebrows. Jimmy: Ah. Gretchen: So, uh... What's new? Listen, if something is bothering you and you want to talk about it, I will listen. Or if you just want to pretend that nothing happened, that's totally fine, too. Jimmy: It was a package from my dad. A Manchester jersey. I don't even like sports... Especially Manchester, the team that ruined every Saturday of my entire childhood. Also, I sent him a copy of my book, like, months ago. He didn't say anything about it. Instead, he sends me gareth Henderson gear. Gretchen: Well, great. I'm glad you got that off your chest. Look! Lena Dunham's dog got a haircut. Jimmy: I mean, does he think that after, what, 30-odd years on this planet, I'm magically going to start sharing his interests in... Edgar: Uh, still waiting for our friends. How are you? Lindsay: No one ever asks me that! But since you did, I cheated on my husband with a 19-year-old, named Aiden. Edgar: Wow... Do you feel guilty? Lindsay: Ooh, good question. Honestly, I kind of feel like two different people right now. There's wife Lindsay who helps Paul with gravestone rubbings on his genealogy trips. And then there's adulteress Lindsay who just wants to sit on everyone's face. Edgar: Sometimes I feel like there's veteran Edgar and regular Edgar. Lindsay: So feeling like this is normal? Edgar: Maybe. Although, I do have a traumatic brain injury. Lindsay: Me, too! Edgar: Huh? Lindsay: One time I was at a rave and I stared at a strobe light so long I forgot how to whistle. What'd you do today? Edgar: Nothing. Lindsay: Oh, my God! Me, too! Edgar: With Gretchen around, I don't have much to do for Jimmy anymore. I feel this is, like, a new chapter in my friendship with him. Hey, this is nice. I can't remember the last time Jimmy asked me a question about myself. Lindsay: I've been trying to talk to Gretchen about Aiden for days. Edgar: We should just ignore them tonight until they ask about us. Lindsay: Ooh, I love that. Like an experiment, but without the boring science part like milligrams and elements and sh1t. Edgar (Chuckling): Great! Lindsay: They're not showing up, are they? Edgar: I don't think so, no. Jimmy: I wrote a novel and still there's no response from him. He's barely literate, so who knows if he could even read it, but if he did manage to sound it out, it'd just be nice to hear that he was proud of me. You know? Are you listening to me? Gretchen: What? Of course. I just, I listen better when I have something to do with my hands. Jimmy: Okay. That bikini top doesn't have straps. Gretchen: Oh, good call. My eyes always go straight to the bush. Gretchen: I know it's, like, my "job" to be there for him, but at one point, I thought he was gonna cry, and I was like, "this is it. I'm never going to be able to have s*x with him again." I just don't think I'm equipped to handle this part of a relationship. I will sample the aztec vanilla. Wallace: It's do-it-yourself now. One sample cup per customer. So I guess you guys feel pretty... Lindsay: I know what you mean about emotions. Ever since I cheated on Paul, I've been feeling hella guilty. Wallace: You can't reuse the sample cups. Lindsay: Part of me thinks I should just tell Paul. What do you think? Wallace: It's like you guys willfully don't even hear me. Lindsay: I could just take this one to the grave. Like Titanic said, a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets. Right? Hello? Are you even listening to me? Gretchen: Yes, totally. I just listen better when I have something to do with my mouth. Lindsay: So, what do you think I should do? Gretchen: Honestly, Linds, I wasn't gonna say anything, but I can't take it anymore. First, you get these new berkin-toting westside friends with fake teeth and even faker tits. And then the minute I get a... Lindsay: Boyfriend? Gretchen: Ugh! As soon as Jimmy and I become a thing, you go out and start taking dicks. Can you imagine how abandoned I feel? Lindsay: I'm sorry, Gretchen. Wait, why am I apologizing to you? You stood me up last night. Dana: Hey, bitch! Gretchen: Hi. Dana: Ready to go back to work? Lindsay: Um, who is this? Gretchen: This is my work wife, Dana. Dana: Hi. Lindsay: You're work-married? Dana: Come on, wifey. There is ice cream cake in the office kitchen. Gretchen: Cake? Eat a dick, yogurt. Bye, Linds. Dana: Bye! Wallace: Ma'am, could you not do that? Can you just buy something? Lindsay: I can't believe they flaked again. Why are they treating us like this? Edgar: Lindsay, I think we're sidekicks. Lindsay: Ew, I am not a sidekick. I'm Beyoncé, not Kelly Rowland. If I'm on a motorcycle, I'm driving the motorcycle, not riding in that shitty little side motorcycle thingie for poor people and dogs. Edgar: Think about it. In your relationship with Gretchen, are you the Mary Tyler Moore or the Rhoda? Lindsay: Who are those people? They sound ugly. Edgar: Okay, uh, in flipping out on-on bravo... Lindsay: Ooh! Edgar: ...Are you the Jeff Lewis or the-the Jenni We Don't Know Her Last Name? Lindsay: Oh, my God! I am totally the Jenni "We Don't Know Her Last Name". Actually, I do... it's Pulos. I'm a big fan. Gretchen: Yes. Okay. Oh... I, I'm not gonna tell him that. Okay. Bye. That was Lindsay. She wants us to get dinner with them tonight. Since we flaked last night, we should probably go. Jimmy: Whatever. As long as they have booze. Gretchen: Aw. Cheer up, Jimster. Or you could just really wallow in it. We could listen to some... The Smiths. They're sad and English, too. Or I could read you a little, uh, Jude the Obscure. (British accent): I hope our kids don't hang themselves because we're poor. I know what will cheer you up! We can do it backwards while you watch foot fetish anime. Jimmy: Pass. (Gretchen sighs) Gretchen: Well, I got to go to happy hour with Dana. If you think you're gonna kill yourself, remember there is a hotline for that or, you know, just text me. (Door opens) (Door closes) [SCENE_BREAK] Sandra Bernhard: "When I was little, I never fantasized about having a baby of my own, unless we were playing war. I might grab someone else's child and run with them through the forest and hide them in a bramble. I wasn't like other girls, the ones who know from the start that they will be mothers, daydreaming about wedding days and lacy veils. They knew daddy would walk them down the aisle, give them away. For me, it was not so, an observer... not a participant." (Applause) Dana: Oh, girl, he is super hot. Gretchen: Really? Sometimes I think he looks like he's straight out of a Swedish vampire movie. Dana: No, he's a piece of s*x. No surprise, though... 'cause you're gorgeous. Gretchen: Aw, thanks. Dana: So, tell me about the boyfriend... what's his deal? Gretchen: We don't really use that term, but, uh, he's a writer, he's British... He's usually very funny, but he's been super depressed lately. Dana: Every dude I've dated cannot handle being sad for, like, a second. Can you imagine not being able to fully experience your emotions? Gretchen: No. Well, we have a dinner later... I have to see if I can get him to rally. Dana: I should head out, too... I'll give you a ride. Gretchen: Okay. Sandra: Thank you. Jimmy: I came here tonight to heckle you. And it would have been scathing. But I decided against it based on on the strength of your work. And I wanted to share that compliment. And also have you sign this, please? Sandra: What were your heckles? Jimmy: Oh, uh... All right. (Chuckles) "Look! There's the second worst thing about the '80s... after Reagan's trickle-down economics, which immediately caused a 10.8% rise in unemployment and an explosion in income inequality." Just stuff like that. Sandra: Who do you want this made out to? Jimmy: Oh, um... "To Ronny overly, a father whose sole connection to his son is that he never connected with his father..." Sandra: "Yo, Ron. So glad I have a big fan in the UK. Love, Sandra." Jimmy: Thank you. I'm actually an author myself. Congratulations, you're dying. Perhaps you've heard of it? Sandra: They carry it here? Jimmy: Bookstore manager? Sandra Bernhard here is interested in purchasing my book. Manager: I'm sorry. As Jimmy knows, he's been remaindered. Sandra: That's such a waste of money. Jimmy: Thank you! It's a travesty. Sandra: You know what they should have done? Jimmy: Yeah? Sandra: They should've taken all the books they printed and thrown them directly into a hobo trash can fire. It would have saved a lot on shipping costs. Jimmy: You're an asshole... Man-dra Butt... Buttfart. Sandra: Wow. Is that one of your previously written heckles, or was that just off the cuff? Jimmy: Tooth gap! Some-something about your tooth gap? Manager: Enough, Jimmy. Philippe! Jimmy: What the...?! Don't you touch me, Philippe! I'm going. Manager: I am so sorry. Gretchen: Yeah, it's really pretty, huh? Dana: Mm. I love that. Gretchen: I'm in it for the money, just... (Indistinct conversation) Dana: Is that Nancy from Roseanne? (Dana and Gretchen laugh) Jimmy: Don't want to talk about it. Gretchen: Jimmy, this is Dana from work. Dana: Hi. I've heard... so much about you. You weren't lying. He is like a sexy Swedish vampire. Jimmy: Sorry, ladies. I'm-I'm... I'm going to bed. Gretchen: This sucks. I need to snap him out of it somehow. Dana: Just bang the sh1t out of him, dummy. Gretchen: I tried! I'm sorry, Dana. This is not how you should be spending your night. You are way too fun and beautiful and spontaneous. You should just go. Dana: Do you want me to stay? Gretchen: Well, maybe we could go down there and... Oh, my God, I just had the craziest idea. Dana: What? You can just ask me to have a threesome. Gretchen (Laughing): What?! What? That is bananas. What are you even talking about? Can you imagine? Are you serious? Dana: Sure. Gretchen: Okay. Dana: Okay. Gretchen: Okay! (Gretchen laughs) Oh, this is awesome. This is guaranteed to cheer him up. He has never had a threesome before. Dana: Did he never go to middle school? Gretchen: Right? Dana: Okay. Gretchen: Oh. Gretchen: Jimmy. How you doing, buddy? We just wanted to make sure that you are doing okay. Jimmy: I'm fine, yeah. Dana: Well, we just wanted to make sure that you were extra fine. (Slow, sultry music playing) [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy: Uh... Gretchen: Is that... ? You came already?! Dana: Ugh. Jimmy: Uh... Dana: I guess this show got a little bit too sexy for you. Gretchen: What? It's his first time. Maybe he got a little overexcited. Jimmy: No, I didn't. In fact, the joke's on you. This is from a couple of minutes ago before you guys even came down. Dana: Oh, my God. Gretchen: Hold on. So, you masturbated to completion in the literally one minute from the time you left upstairs to this moment? Jimmy: I started at the top of the stairs. What? I couldn't help it. You're both so beautiful, and I started thinking about how you guys must have hugged earlier tonight, and when you did, did your... did your boobies get all, like, "squozen" together? Dana: And then you just laid there in it? Jimmy: Shut up... Dana! I was enjoying the afterglow! I didn't think you'd actually come down here, you giant weirdo. Dana: You masturbated while walking down the stairs carrying a giant Sandra Bernhard standee, and I'm the weirdo?! Jimmy: What? Dana: Yeah, I got to go. Jimmy: Oh, no. Wait! Gretchen: No. Wait! Well, now I get why you've never had a threesome. Dumb ass. Dana? [SCENE_BREAK] Lindsay: I'm sure they'll be here any minute. [SCENE_BREAK] Jimmy: What's the matter? Gretchen: I can't believe I finally made a new friend, and I tried to bang her the first time we hung out. I suck at girls, Jimmy. All the way back to the fourth grade when everyone was mean to me because I was the first person to grow boobs. Whatever, Jessica Olsen. You're still flat as sh1t. I guess I'm still that sad little ten-year-old girl sometimes, wishing someone would sit next to me on the side... Jimmy: Oh, my God, will you stop?! Gretchen: What? Jimmy: No offense, but you're kind of making my skin crawl. (Gretchen scoffs) Gretchen: Wow. Sorry. Jimmy: I'm not comfortable with... feelings. Gretchen: I listened to you blathering on about "ooh, me da." Jimmy (laughs): That's lrish, dumb-dumb. And you didn't listen. You played photo hunt. And quite poorly, for the record. I don't know why I started unloading on you like that. I don't do... feelings. Gretchen: What the hell is wrong with us? Jimmy: Nothing. We should celebrate. We found someone who is equally dead inside. Gretchen: Let's make a pact never to feel anything around each other ever again. Deal? Jimmy: Deal. Gretchen: I can't believe you've been my boyfriend for, like, three days, and we already had to bring in a third party. What? Jimmy: You just said "boyfriend." Gretchen: Oh, whatever. It's... it's economical, okay? Jimmy: Sure. God, you have issues. Gretchen: You are the one who cried over a soccer jersey. Gretchen: Ooh. Actually... that is kind of hot. You look like a soccer hooligan. Jimmy: Yeah? Gretchen: I always had a thing for jocks, you know? Jimmy: Mmm... Hey, uh, we can pop inside and do it quick before we head to the diner, right? Gretchen: Oh, yeah. Oh, 15 minutes, tops. Jimmy: Oh... uh...

At breakfast Edgar tries to celebrate Jimmy and Gretchen's "exclusive" status, but they will not cooperate. Jimmy receives a soccer jersey as a gift from his father. He throws it out and leaves in a funk. Edgar tells Gretchen that it is now her job to deal with Jimmy's issues instead of him. Jimmy finds his book has been remaindered by the bookstore and decides to heckle Sandra Bernhard (appearing as herself) when she gives a reading there. Gretchen tries and fails to listen to Jimmy's complaints about his father. She also cannot handle Lindsay's guilt about her infidelity. Jimmy goes to the bookstore event, but is so affected by the reading that he forgets about heckling. He is thrown out when he tries to get Bernhard to help him get his book back on sale. Edgar and Lindsay keep trying to set up a meal with Jimmy and Gretchen, but are stood up each time. They begin to wonder if they are merely "sidekicks". Gretchen and Dana, a friend from her job, visit Jimmy at home and decide to try a threesome. It is a spectacular failure and Dana walks out. Gretchen bemoans her inability to have women friends, but Jimmy asks her to stop. They each realize they cannot handle other people's pain, being "equally dead inside". This actually brings them closer together.

fd_NCIS_02x14

fd_NCIS_02x14_0

MUSIC IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT (MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) (SFX: ERIN DRINKS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ERIN FILMS FROM THE WINDOW) ERIN: Come on! (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: I always get that confused. DAVID: No. No, it's simple. If the groundhog sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't, spring's right around the corner. TONY: Are you sure that it's not the other way around? DAVID: Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. See you later. (SFX: DOORS SLIDE OPEN) TONY: Thanks. KATE: (INTO PHONE) All right, Thursday eleven a.m. VOICE: (V.O./FILTERED) Sharp. KATE: (INTO PHONE) I'll be there. Oh, I promise. MCGEE: Are you okay? KATE: Yeah. No. I hate going to the dentist. I've had a phobia since I was a child and now I need a root canal. MCGEE: Oh, that doesn't sound like fun. KATE: No, I've cancelled my appointment three times. TONY: What's not fun? KATE: Nothing. TONY: Who's Doctor Jackson? KATE: You read that upside down? TONY: A talent that serves me well. What's wrong with you? MCGEE: Well, he's a dentist. TONY: Ooh, and our Ms. Todd is afraid of dentists. KATE: Who told you that? TONY: Ethically, I can't reveal my source. It's the same person who told me Probie wasn't potty-trained until he was six. GIBBS: Get the sedan, McGee. MCGEE: Where are we going, boss? GIBBS: Not we. You. Apartment building in Georgetown. A woman reported seeing a sailor being strangled. MCGEE: Me? Alone? GIBBS: Metro police don't think it's anything, but the woman's insistent. MCGEE: What do you want me to do? GIBBS: Investigate, McGee. It's what we do. If there's anything, call in. MCGEE: Right. TONY: Our little boy's growing up. MCGEE: Cut it out, DiNozzo. KATE: It's a vote of confidence. MCGEE: Really? You think so? TONY: It's a test. KATE: Don't listen to him.(MCGEE WALKS O.S.) (TONY CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (CAR DOOR CLOSES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) MCGEE: Excuse me, Sir. FLOYD: Yeah? MCGEE: NCIS. Special Agent McGee. FLOYD: So you're what they sent me. Geez, I'm feeling old. (INTO RADIO) NCIS is here. Say goodbye to little lady. MCGEE: So what have you got? FLOYD: There's no need to write it down, kid. The woman up there said that she saw a sailor being strangled across the way. Never happened. MCGEE: You checked it out? FLOYD: Yeah, the apartment manager let us in. No sign of struggle and nobody was even there. No forcible entry. The neighbors didn't see or hear anything. MCGEE: So why did you call us? FLOYD: She wouldn't let it go. I think she was up a little bit too late. Had a little too much to drink, you know? Look, I've got some other real cases to investigate. Her name is Erin Kendall. Apartment Two-B. Make sure you ask her to show you the video. (CHUCKLES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ERIN'S APARTMENT - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) ERIN: Hi. MCGEE: Hi. ERIN: You're the cop from NCIS? MCGEE: Special Agent McGee. ERIN: Come on in. Maybe I can get somewhere with you. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - DAY ERIN: Well, by the time I started to record, they were gone. And yes, I'd had a few glasses of wine, but I saw a sailor being strangled. MCGEE: Are you sure it was a sailor? ERIN: Yes! He was wearing service dress blues. I work for D.O.D. I know military uniforms. MCGEE: (READS) "Infinite-Dimensional Homological Algebra for Binary Systems." You read this? ERIN: Oh yeah, I had the author, Sidnitski, in graduate school. MCGEE: You went to M.I.T? ERIN: Yes. MCGEE: Me, too! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: A root canal? KATE: I have an appointment with a dentist in the morning. GIBBS: Are you going to keep it this time? (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) TONY: I can help you. I have a friend who had a fear of flying. He was cured by a hypnotist. KATE: A hypnotist? I don't think so. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Boss, it's McGee. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah? MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) I think there may be something here. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You think? MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Well.... GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Do we roll... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ... Or not, McGee? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Roll, Boss.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: DiNozzo, get the truck. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. APARTMENT - DAY TONY: Ah, is that the witness? MCGEE: Yeah, Tony. GIBBS: Crime scene? MCGEE: Ah, second floor of this apartment building here. Occupant is a civilian named Thorne. Robert J. He's not at home. GIBBS: Let's check it out. TONY: I hope you have more to go on than her sweet smile. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - DAY JEREMY: The police already checked this out. Thorne's one of my best tenants. I don't want to lose him. Is this going to take you guys long? I've got a meeting with my doctoral committee. GIBBS: When was the last time you saw Mister Thorne? JEREMY: I don't know. About a week ago? He travels a lot. GIBBS: We can let ourselves out. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: You made the call. What were you basing your decision on? MCGEE: The credibility of the witness. M.I.T. graduate. Phi Beta Kappa. She builds computer models for D.O.D. TONY: We've all seen the credentials. GIBBS: That's it? MCGEE: No. No, to get a closer look at the assault, Erin used a camcorder with a two hundred to one zoom lens. GIBBS: Let's see the video. MCGEE: Well, she didn't actually start recording until after the men had moved away from the window. But it does show that the lights were on. When Metro Police got here, they were off. TONY: That would do it for me. MCGEE: Boss? The truth? GIBBS: That would be good. MCGEE: There's one thing I've learned from you. It's that sometimes an agent has to go with their gut. GIBBS: Okay. What would you do now, McGee? KATE: I'll dust for prints. TONY: I'll shoot. GIBBS: We're not going to spend a lot of time on this. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: I can't work like this, McGee. Get off my back! MCGEE: Sorry. It's just everything is riding on you finding something that places a sailor in that apartment. ABBY: I wish I were a magician. MCGEE: DiNozzo says the boss is testing me. ABBY: DiNozzo says a lot of things. Actually, this time he's probably right. Gibbs tested me. MCGEE: Really? ABBY: Yeah. MCGEE: What happened? ABBY: Nothing. I passed. Your problem is the crime scene, if it really is a crime scene. It's too clean. It didn't produce any quality prints. MCGEE: Abby, it is a crime scene. ABBY: Then it is. Now get out of here and let me finish my work. MCGEE: Thank you, Abs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Photos from the scene of the crime. Annual performance reviews are next week. KATE: Two sailors in the National Capitol Region were reported UA today. One female. I'm getting the particulars on the other. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) McGee. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Good news, I think! MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Did you get a match? GIBBS: (V.O.) Put her on the speaker. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I ran the only clean prints...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... from the apartment through AFIS. It belongs to (V.O.) Petty Officer First Class Keith Dillon, USN. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Is he your missing sailor, Kate? KATE: Dillon, comma, Keith. Sure is. MCGEE: Boss! Boss, Erin was right. GIBBS: What does that mean, McGee? MCGEE: Well, she wasn't imagining it. GIBBS: It also means a sailor may be dead. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Keith Dillon. Thirty two. Single. Never married. Lives in Anacostia. Assigned to Pax River. GIBBS: What's he do? KATE: Motor pool. Driver. TONY: I talked to Dillon's C.O. He's still a no-show. GIBBS: We're going back to Thorne's apartment. MCGEE: I'll get the truck. (BEAT) Uh... you did want me to get the truck, yes? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. THORNE'S APARTMENT - DAY TONY: I'm going to enjoy this. ERIN: (V.O.) The attacker's back was to me most of the time. TONY: Like this? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. APARTMENT WINDOW - DAY ERIN: (INTO RADIO) Yeah. And then he pulled the sailor off to your right. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gosh, I can't tell you how many times I've thought of doing this. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THORNE'S APARTMENT KATE: I dare you, DiNozzo. TONY: Oh, yeah? (BEGIN MUSIC OVER ACTION/ MOCK STRANGULATION) (SFX: TONY AND KATE STRUGGLE B.G.) ERIN: That's just what it looked like. (SFX: KATE AND TONY CONTINUE TO STRUGGLE) (SFX: TONY MOANS) KATE: There are so many things I could say right now. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. APARTMENT - DAY TONY: (INTO RADIO) Probie... (FILTERED) get the A.L.S. up here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - DAY (SFX: CURTAINS CLOSE) TONY: Yeah, it's urine. MCGEE: Boss, tenant does not appear to have a pet. GIBBS: Have Abby do a DNA analysis. In the meantime, we go over this place top to bottom. MCGEE: I'll get the equipment. (DOOR OPENS) KATE: Excuse me. GIBBS: I want all the information you have on your tenant Thorne. Contact numbers, place of employment, apartment lease. Everything. JEREMY: Oh, I'm just the manager. I call the plumber when the toilet backs up. The building's owned by Hawley Street Holdings in Boston. They got all that. GIBBS: Get it for me. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. APARTMENT - DAY ERIN: Did you find anything? MCGEE: Urine. On the carpet. ERIN: Urine? MCGEE: Evacuation. When somebody dies, their sphincter and bladder relax. KATE: Probably more than she wants to know, McGee. ERIN: Special Agent Gibbs believe me now? MCGEE: More than he did before. KATE: McGee! MCGEE: Oh, I'll let you know what's going on, okay? (SFX: VAN DOORS CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THORNE'S APARTMENT - DAY (SFX: VACUUM B.G.) TONY: Clear. MCGEE: Boss, I already vacuumed the couch for fibers. GIBBS: It's a convertible sofa, McGee. I slept on one for seven months. TONY: That would be after the third wife? That would be none of my business. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BEDROOM - DAY (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS B.G.) KATE: The missing Mister Thorne is even more mysterious. GIBBS: And dangerous. MCGEE: What do you think was in there? TONY: Drugs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR - DAY (DOOR OPENS) JEREMY: Oh! Hawley Street Holdings faxed over a copy of Thorne's lease agreement and rental application. Uh... you're going to need Thorne's permission if you want to remove property. GIBBS: When he shows up, tell him to call me. JEREMY: Well, I'm going to need a receipt. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (SFX: TRUCK BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: (WHISTLES) You can handle something that big? WALKER: You'd be surprised at what I can handle. TONY: Oh, really. Now do you think I could drive a truck like this? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BUILDING - DAY WADE: Not much I can tell you. Petty Officer Dillon did his job and that's about it. Didn't hang around. Didn't socialize. GIBBS: Had he ever been late before? WADE: This was a first. I waited until noon to report him U.A. GIBBS: Did he ever mention a man named Thorne? WADE: Not that I remember. What's happened? Dillon's only been U.A. a couple hours, and NCIS is involved? GIBBS: According to his service records, Petty Officer Dillon washed out of Seal training. WADE: Yeah, I heard he rang the bell. Agent Gibbs, I'm his C.O. I want to know what's going on. GIBBS: We have a report of a sailor being strangled. WADE: And you think it's Petty Officer Dillon? GIBBS: We found his prints at the scene. No body. That's all I can tell you. (TONY AND PRETTY OFFICER WHISPER/GIGGLE B.G.) GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Hey, DiNozzo! TONY: I gotta go. Check you later. PETTY OFFICER: You know where to find me. TONY: Okay. GIBBS: Get her number? TONY: I wasn't hitting on her and neither was Petty Officer Dillon. She was interested in him, but he has a girlfriend. GIBBS: Did you get her name? TONY: Meg. It fits a hot chick like that. (SFX: GIBBS HITS TONY) TONY: Oh! You meant Dillon's girlfriend. GIBBS: (V.O.) Check out his place in Anacostia. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) I enjoy going to the dentist. KATE: What could you possibly enjoy? ABBY: A little pain is a good thing, Kate. That's why people put hot sauce on tacos. GIBBS: What did the urine tell you, Abby? ABBY: Oh, all kinds of stuff. We had a really good talk. I was able to extract epithelial cells. MCGEE: That's human urine, Boss. GIBBS: What else? ABBY: No recreational drugs. Not diabetic. GIBBS: Male or female? ABBY: Wasn't pregnant. GIBBS: D.N.A.? ABBY: You're never satisfied, are you? I'm working on it. And the ballistics from Thorne's gun. But I found something interesting in the mattress cutout. Do you want to come see? GIBBS: Be down in a minute. ABBY: Okay. I need an assistant. GIBBS: It's not in the budget. KATE: The name Robert J. Thorne has to be an alias. Nothing on his apartment rental application checks out. His driver's license, social, references are all phony. He lists his occupation as a sales representative, but the company doesn't exist. GIBBS: The owners of the building didn't verify anything? KATE: He paid the first month, last month and every payment since in cash. Apparently, dead presidents are the only reference they needed. MCGEE: Ran the serial number on Thorne's Sig by the manufacturer. It was sold fifteen months ago to a Virginia dealer. He works gun shows. Trying to track him down. GIBBS: What'd you find? TONY: Couldn't tell when Petty Officer Dillon was last in his apartment. Bed wasn't made, but from the looks of the place, it never is. GIBBS: What about the girlfriend? TONY: Ah, indications are they're in the not-ready-to-commit stage. KATE: Indications? TONY: Yeah. She keeps her cosmetics and her toothbrush there, but no clothes. And they are intimate, but not at the moment. KATE: Okay, now how would you know that? TONY: Gyne-Lotrimin. Jill Meyers has a yeast infection. I'll call the pharmacy and get her address. GIBBS: You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results. I'm with Abby. MCGEE: Uh Boss, can I come? GIBBS: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY MCGEE: What've you got, Abs? ABBY: Do I have to answer the newbie? GIBBS: Humor him. ABBY: There were traces of cocaine found inside the box. MCGEE: So Tony was right. He was dealing drugs. ABBY: Maybe not. The traces were microscopic. So it could just be from hiding money. (TO GIBBS) He calls himself a federal agent. GIBBS: The U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine. MCGEE: I thought that was an urban myth. ABBY: Gimme a bill. MCGEE: Huh? KATE: Give me a bill. GIBBS: A hundred? MCGEE: Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency. ABBY: You're such a Boy Scout. Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine and then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. (CONT.) Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to the level that can be detected by drug dogs. MCGEE: Um... Abs? ABBY: Yeah? MCGEE: Are you forgetting something? ABBY: No. GIBBS: Hey, McGee!(PHONE RINGS) MCGEE: Just a second. (INTO PHONE) Special Agent McGee. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY FLOYD: (INTO PHONE) Hey, kid. This is Detective Floyd. We found something you might be interested in. (TO POLICE) Step out there. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NCIS TRUCK - DAY MCGEE: I knew Erin saw what she saw. That feeling in my gut was right. TONY: That feeling you experienced was lower than your gut, Probie. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY KATE: Oh! All right, Ducky, you're up. DUCKY: Thanks, Caitlyn. KATE: I'd have to be really desperate to use one of these things. DUCKY: Yeah, wretched, aren't they? FLOYD: Looks like your missing sailor was dumped here over the weekend. His watch and his wallet are missing. GIBBS: The killer didn't know he was seen strangling Petty Officer Dillon. He made it look like a mugging. FLOYD: Makes sense. Any luck tracking Thorne down? GIBBS: The name's an alias. FLOYD: The kid's got good instincts, though. GIBBS: Yeah, you think so, huh? McGee! MCGEE: Yeah? GIBBS: Did you leave my coffee in the truck? MCGEE: Oh, I'm getting it now, Boss. FLOYD: Keep me posted. GIBBS: Duck? DUCKY: Oh, based on the lividity and blood pooling, the body was most definitely moved. The ligature marks indicate strangulation as the cause of death. These parallel lines suggest electrical cord. Time of death... twelve to fourteen hours ago. GIBBS: That would confirm the witness' story. DUCKY: Yeah. Bag his head and hands, Mister Palmer. TONY: Hey, do you want to help me with the grid? KATE: Oh... give me the hypnotist's number. MCGEE: Here you go, Boss. GIBBS: What's next? MCGEE: What? GIBBS: How do we proceed, McGee? MCGEE: Right. Well, uh... we've got to figure out who Thorne is and find a connection between him and Petty Officer Dillon. Probably the money. (CONT.) And I think it would be a smart move to keep an eye on Thorne's apartment. If he doesn't know we're on to him, then he'll be back. GIBBS: What else? MCGEE: I think Erin and the building manager should work on a composite sketch. Am I forgetting anything? GIBBS: Just to keep my coffee hot, McGee. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Bring me an evidence file please, Mister Palmer. This fiber appears synthetic, most likely the Petty Officer didn't pick it up from the portable loo. Their making your death appear a robbery was a very amateurish attempt at a red herring. JIMMY: I've always found that a very curios expression. DUCKY: Yes, it is, isn't it? You know the derivation? Fox and hounds. JIMMY: How's that Doctor Mallard? DUCKY: Well, the only practical way to cure a herring is by smoking and salting. Yes, it turns the fish a crimson red and gives it a very distinctive smell. In the early Fifteenth Century, they used to train their hounds to hunt foxes by dragging a red herring along the ground on a piece of string to leave a trail of scent for the dogs to follow. Then later on, they would drag a red herring across the scent trail of a real fox to test the dog's ability to ignore a false sent or false clue. (CONT.) Hence the term red herring became to mean a false clue designed to fool one's opponent. JIMMY: It's fascinating. DUCKY: Yeah. (WRITES) Thank you. Do you know the etymology of the phrase, white elephant? JIMMY: You know, I should really get this up to Abby. DUCKY: Oh, because of its rarity, the King of Siam declared all white elephants his personal property. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (SFX: GUNSHOTS) ERIN: How's that? MCGEE: Yes. Excellent.(ABBY WALKS TO THE INNER LAB) (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) ABBY: This is as far as you've gotten? MCGEE: Uh, yeah. That's as far as we're gonna get. ERIN: I'm sorry. I just can't remember what he looks like. ABBY: Show her the composite the manager did. MCGEE: I did. It's a waste of time. It could have been anybody. ERIN: Let me try something. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) ABBY: What are you doing? MCGEE: Erin is incredible! She has rewritten software code for the M.A.U program to incorporate hyper-threading. ABBY: I thought you were working on the composite. MCGEE: It's not gonna happen. Erin, any idea on how to over-clock the processors? ERIN: Yeah, um... you've got two options. Changing either the FSB or the multiplier locks. JIMMY: Oh, a gift from Doctor Mallard. (SFX: GIGGLING B.G.) ERIN: There it is! MCGEE: That's amazing! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY (SFX: BOWLING PINS B.G.) KATE: Jill Meyers. NCIS. Special Agent Todd and DiNozzo. TONY: We'd like to talk to you about a Petty Officer Keith Dillon. When's the last time you saw him? JILL MEYERS: A couple of days ago. So how did you find out that I know Keith? Did he... he tell you? KATE: Petty Officer Dillon has been murdered. JILL MEYERS: What? What happened? KATE: Well, that's what we're trying to find out. TONY: How long have you and Petty Officer Dillon been... seeing each other? JILL MEYERS: Keith came in a couple months ago. So he's dead? TONY: Yeah. KATE: You're married. JILL MEYERS: Uh... yeah. TONY: Does your husband know about Keith? JILL MEYERS: Uh uh. He's a... he's in Iraq. Been there eight months. KATE: Anyway he could have found out? Were things were getting serious with Keith? JILL MEYERS: I was going to send my husband an email... breaking up. Good thing I didn't. Keith wanted me to quit my job and move in with him. TONY: He was going to support you? JILL MEYERS: Yeah. He was coming into a lot of money. I guess I'm stuck here now. TONY: Did Keith ever talk about a guy named Robert Thorne? JILL MEYERS: Keith didn't talk about anything. Our relationship was more... physical than anything else. I do know he was pissed he didn't make it as a Navy SEAL. KATE: Anything else? JILL MEYERS: My husband doesn't need to find out about Keith, right? (KATE AND TONY WALK O.S.) KATE: Dear John email? What a calculating witch. She gives all women a bad name. TONY: I'm never getting married. There's no upside to it. KATE: That's not true. Statistically, married men live longer. TONY: They don't' actually live longer, it just seems longer. KATE: You're just cynical. TONY: Am I? Marriage was never intended to last more than a few years. KATE: Where did you get that? TONY: Anthropology one-oh-one. The concept was invented by cavemen with a life expectancy of twenty five years. 'Till death do us part meant four or five years tops. KATE: That was very enlightening, DiNozzo. And I do understand now. You think like a Neanderthal. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) (GIBBS TURNS OFF THE MUSIC) ABBY: Hey! GIBBS: Geez! ABBY: Don't mess with my music! GIBBS: How do you work with that? ABBY: It helps me to concentrate. GIBBS: On what? ABBY: Fibers that Ducky found on Dillon. Definitely one from the trunk lining of a car. I'm going to run them through the FBI's M.A.U. database and try to narrow it down to make, model and year. What's this? GIBBS: Thorne's original Virginia gun purchase application for his SIG. See if you can lift a print off it. ABBY: As soon as I'm finished with this. GIBBS: No, Abby! Do it now! (SFX: MUSIC B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. TONY: You see the hypnotist? You weren't going to tell me. KATE: I don't like crutches. TONY: I hope you never break a leg. GIBBS: Who is sitting Thorne's apartment? MCGEE: Special Agent Balboa. I'm on my way to relieve him. GIBBS: Did you find the girlfriend? KATE: She's a piece of work, but we did find-- TONY: It's all about the money, Boss. Petty Officer Dillon told his girlfriend he was gonna be rich. A career E-six? It wasn't coming from the Navy. KATE: We figure Thorne killed him for the money. GIBBS: You think? TONY: What are you thinkin'? GIBBS: Where's the money? KATE: Thorne took it. GIBBS: Why'd he leave his weapon? KATE: He's coming back. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ERIN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT ERIN: (V.O.) Well, I'm fascinated. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT ERIN: (INTO PHONE) You have multiple degrees, including computer science from M.I.T. How did you end up a Federal Agent?(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Ah... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) It was by design. I always wanted to be in law enforcement. (SCENE CUT) ERIN: (INTO PHONE) I never thought I'd be talking like this with someone who carries a gun. (GIGGLES) (SFX: SOFT NOISE B.G.) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Erin? ERIN: (INTO PHONE) Hold on. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) What is it? ERIN: (INTO PHONE) I'll be right back. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Okay. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ERIN WALKS TO THE LIVING ROOM/ RUNS TO THE BEDROOM) (DOOR CLOSES) ERIN: (INTO PHONE) Somebody's trying to break into my apartment! MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) I'll be right there. (SFX: DOOR SLAMS OPEN) (SFX: ERIN SCREAMS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Don't hang up! I'm coming! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE RUNS TO THE BUILDING) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE RUNS TO THE BEDROOM) (SFX: LAMP SHATTERS) MCGEE: Ah! (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE PERFORMS CPR) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT EMT: You're fine. FLOYD: (V.O.) Your boy witnessed a murder. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ERIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT GIBBS: He was staked-out in Thorne's apartment. FLOYD: Could he pick the killer out of a line-up? GIBBS: You have a suspect? FLOYD: No, but if I did, I'd like to find out if your boy could-- GIBBS: His name is Special Agent McGee. FLOYD: ... If Special Agent McGee could make a positive I.D. GIBBS: Get a suspect and we'll find out. FLOYD: I'll secure the crime scene. My M.E.'ll be here in about ten minutes. GIBBS: She was my witness. This is still my case. FLOYD: A civilian kills another civilian? I do not think so. Nobody gets in here but our forensic team. OFFICER: Mm-hmm. Right. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. APARTMENT - NIGHT KATE: Hey. MCGEE: I should have been watching from Erin's apartment. KATE: No, you were exactly where you were supposed to be, McGee. MCGEE: I saw Erin lying there, and I rushed in without clearing the room. He hit me from behind with something. KATE: A lamp. MCGEE: I should have got him. KATE: (V.O.) You tried. MCGEE: I tried to save Erin and I didn't. I tried to shoot her killer, and I missed. KATE: Her death is not your fault, Tim. MCGEE: All I can see is Erin lying on the floor. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - DAY JEREMY: A shot woke me up, and I looked out the window and I saw a guy in a dark jump suit running towards "S" Street. FLOYD: I'll take over here. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - NIGHT ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I got a match on the slug that I fired from the gun found in Thorne's apartment. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I ran it through A.T.F. It was used in two unsolved murders. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CORRIDOR - NIGHT TONY: What's up, Boss? GIBBS: Cancel Ducky. Let's get out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Bowers. (SPELLS) B.O.W.E.R.S. Can you fax me a copy of the files? Great. Thanks, Lieutenant. (TO MCGEE) Some advice? You can sit there and second guess what you should or shouldn't have done and never get the answer. Or you can get back on the job and catch the b*st*rd. The Sig in Thorne's sofa bed was used to murder a Carole Anne VanBuren in suburban Raleigh and a Thomas Roy Bowers in Baltimore. GIBBS: Any tie between them? TONY: Just the Sig. VanBuren was involved in a messy divorce. Husband's a lot richer with her dead. Bowers was a tough union steward leading a long strike. GIBBS: Both hits. TONY: Sounds like it. GIBBS: Have the local LEOs in Raleigh and Baltimore... TONY: Fax the files. Already did, Boss. GIBBS: How's the root canal? KATE: Nothing to it. TONY: Thanks to...? KATE: You, Tony. I have to give you credit. The hypnotist really worked. TONY: Thank you. KATE: You know, Gibbs, this hypnotist consults with police departments on cases of repressed memory. She might be able to help McGee recall details. GIBBS: Yeah? Why don't we just use a Ouija board? KATE: Hypnotism isn't a parlor game, Gibbs. GIBBS: You could fool me. KATE: Can we at least try? GIBBS: No. (BEAT) Ah hell, why not? MCGEE: Boss, I don't think I can be hypnotized. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THORNE'S APARTMENT - DAY FOX: He's ready. Now traumatic memories are permanent. The biggest barrier to recalling them is stress. KATE: Well, McGee was certainly under a lot of stress last night. TONY: Probie's always under stress, Kate. FOX: Well, with hypnosis we bypass the stress, go into the subconscious where the memories are. Now being here where the incident occurred will help. GIBBS: So does a good whack to the head. FOX: May I continue, Agent Gibbs? (TO MCGEE) Agent McGee, when I touch your forehead, you will open your eyes and remain fully relaxed. It will be last night when you were talking to Erin on your cell phone. You will see and hear everything clearly. MCGEE: What is it? FOX: What's happening? MCGEE: She's heard a sound. She's scared. FOX: What is she saying? MCGEE: She's talking low. Sounds frightened. FOX: Her exact words. MCGEE: Someone's trying to break into my apartment. FOX: What did you do? MCGEE: I went to the window. FOX: Do it. (MCGEE WALKS TO THE WINDOW) FOX: What did you see? (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) MCGEE: Erin's being assaulted. I have to help her. FOX: Just stay with this feeling. Are you looking at the attacker's face? Describe it. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) MCGEE: I can't see him. FOX: How is he dressed? MCGEE: Jumpsuit. Hooded jacket. FOX: What else can you see? MCGEE: His hands. Putting something around her throat. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hold on. MCGEE: (V.O.) A watch. FOX: Describe the watch. MCGEE: Large. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) MCGEE: On his right wrist. I've got to help her. FOX: It's all right. You're going to sit down. When I touch your forehead, you will be fully aware. Your memory sharp and clear. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, go ahead. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I don't know what you're doing...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) . but it can't be more important than what I've got. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Just say it, will you, Abs? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) You asked, I've lifted. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) It wasn't easy, but I got a partial off Thorne's gun application. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) You ran it through AFIS? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I didn't have to. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Why not? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Because I already know everything that you need to know about him. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Good work, Abs. (TO FOX) Can you give us a minute, please?(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) FOX: Sure, no problem. GIBBS: Abby found Thorne. KATE: Where? GIBBS: In Ducky's cold storage vault. TONY: He's dead? KATE: I don't... I don't understand. GIBBS: Abby matched the print taken from Dillon's corpse to one taken from Thorne's gun application. Petty Officer Dillon and Thorne are the same guy. TONY: Dillon was the hit man? GIBBS: He probably used the name Thorne when he was hired to kill those two people. KATE: A macho, washed-out SEAL, trying to prove his worth. GIBBS: Creates a fictitious persona, Thorne, to freelance as a killer. MCGEE: If there's no Thorne, who murdered Erin and Dillon? GIBBS: Whoever stole the money from the sofa. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENE) MCGEE: Boss, the killer was wearing his watch on his right wrist. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. APARTMENT CORRIDOR - DAY (SFX: MCGEE POUNDS ON THE DOOR) JEREMY: Hey, what's going on? (BEAT) Hey, did you guys find Thorne? GIBBS: Yeah, we found him. MCGEE: You b*st*rd! You wear your watch on your right hand. JEREMY: A lot of people do. MCGEE: You have the keys to Thorne's apartment. JEREMY: I'm the manager. I've got keys to all the apartments. GIBBS: Did Detective Floyd tell you that the young woman across the street witnessed the murder in Thorne's apartment? We're going to match the fibers found on Dillon's body to the trunk fibers in your car. What do you think about that? (SFX: JEREMY THROWS HIS GROCERIES) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/JEREMY RUNS FROM THE APARTMENT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION CHASE SCENES) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) JEREMY: No! No! No! No! Don't! Don't! Don't! GIBBS: (SHOUTS) McGee! If you're gonna shoot him, you should have done it while he was running! (TO JEREMY) Turn over! (SFX: SIREN) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: You are so... TONY: Coordinated. KATE: Adolescent. TONY: I prefer the term "fun-loving." Oh! Ooh! Oh, hey! Food fight!(KATE AND TONY BEGIN A FOOD FIGHT) (SFX: LAUGHTER) MCGEE: Guys. Guys! Guys! Please, I'm trying to write. KATE: Sorry, McGee. TONY: Need any help? MCGEE: No thank you. Just some quiet. TONY: No problema. Shh! TONY: (LOUDLY) Remember your first.... (QUIETLY) remember your first report, Kate? KATE: Yes! Gibbs made me rewrite it twice. I felt like I was in grammar school again. Are you going to pick up those carrot sticks? TONY: I didn't throw any carrot sticks. KATE: I can't stand working in a pig sty. (SFX: TONY CHOKES) TONY: He only made you redo it twice? KATE: I forgot to spell check. How many times, Tony? TONY: Can I catch a peanut in my mouth without missing? KATE: Ah. Did you have to redo your first report for Gibbs? TONY: A few. KATE: What's a few? GIBBS: Five. It would have been more but I took pity on him. KATE: Ooh! GIBBS: McGee, good job. Send it up to the Director. MCGEE: Will do, Boss. GIBBS: Any more food fights in here I'm joining in with peas. KATE: Frozen peas? GIBBS: Nope. In the can. TONY: (READS) Dear Mister and Missus Kendall. KATE: It's a sympathy note. TONY: That's nice, McGee. KATE: That's very nice. (MUSIC OUT)

A beautiful young MIT graduate witnesses a sailor being strangled. Local police doubt her story, but McGee asserts that her account warrants further investigation. When the missing sailor's body is found at another location, the story gains ground. The witness also captivates McGee who, after a sudden twist in the investigation, ends up unknowingly holding the key to solving the case but things turn to tragedy when the young witness is strangled to death, leading Gibbs and the team to find not only who's responsible for the sailor's death but also that of the woman's as well.

fd_Mars_01x02

fd_Mars_01x02_0

Amelie Durand: Previously on Mars. Ben Sawyer: We knew Mars wouldn't welcome us with open arms. Mae: Warning, systems offline. Robert Foucault: Permission to switch from primary to backup. Ben Sawyer: Do it. Hana Seung: Prepare for retropropulsion. Ben Sawyer: We were ready to give everything to get there. Hana Seung: Mission control, this is Daedalus, we're looking at a red planet. [Cheers] Ben Sawyer: And we knew we'd have to fight even harder if we wanted to stay. Marta Kamen: How far did we overshoot? Sam: 75.3 kilometers. Robert Foucault: Mission control confirmed the rover is 2,000 kilos over maximum payload. Hana Seung: The odds are we won't make it. Ben Sawyer: But no matter what happened, we'd do everything we could to make the workshop module our new basecamp. Because the thing that kept us pushing, it wasn't just inside us. Our species has always been driven to build beyond what we know. We migrated across all of earth. Created settlements, constructed cities, and when we finally left our home planet, we knew the risks involved. John F. Kennedy: As we set sail, we ask god's blessing on the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which man has ever embarked. Ben Sawyer: However will is a double edged sword. Again, and again it's taken us farther than we ever thought we could go. But this time we had seized on an object so vast, so difficult to attain. I couldn't help but wonder if we might have finally pushed too far. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Foucault: A.I. Guidance is good. Javier Delgado: We keep this pace, we'll be there in a little under 15 hours. [Hearing voice in head] Ben's dad: It's a lot of work this space thing.Is it worth it? Ben Sawyer: Did you? Amelie Durand: Ben, are you okay? Ben Sawyer: Yeah, I'm fine. We're gonna have a lot of work to do when we get to base camp. Robert Foucault: I packed the blanket substrate from the secondary panels... [Multiple overlapping voices] Amelie Durand: Ben! ♪ [Theme music plays] ♪ [SCENE_BREAK] [Footsteps] [Hammering] [Breathing] [Coughing] Amelie Durand: No, no no, no, no, you're having difficulty breathing. Ben Sawyer: I'm ok. Hana Seung: You are not ok. Amelie Durand: Your blood oxygen is dropping and your heart rate is too high. Hana Seung: You knew. You knew, and you wouldn't let Amelie examine you. Ben Sawyer: We didn't have enough time. Amelie Durand: I think you've got blood in your lungs. You need aspiration to get it out and I can't treat you without the equipment at basecamp. Hana Seung: We've gotta drive faster. Javier Delgado: The rover isn't designed to do more than ten kilometers per hour. Robert Foucault: If I adjust the software protocols I can push that to twenty, but with the terrain between us and base camp, it's gonna be a rocky ride. Hana Seung: Ben... Ben Sawyer: I don't want this vehicle going over fifteen, do you understand me? Robert Foucault: Got that, captain. Ava: Someone modified the rover's speed protocols. Oliver: I've got them pushing 12 kilometers per hour and climbing. Ed Grann: What the hell are they doing? Sam: It's Ben, play it. Mission control: Cueing rover audio feed now. Mission control 2: Bringing satellite up. Sawyer's biometrics coming online. Amelie Durand: Your blood oxygen is dropping and your heart rate is too high. I think you've got blood in your lungs. I can't treat you without the equipment at basecamp. Hana Seung: We've gotta drive faster. Ben Sawyer: There were people who asked us why we wanted to go to this place that would almost surely kill us. And whether anything we did to prepare ourselves would be enough. Charles Bolden: Humanity has never undertaken anything like sending humans to another planet. So how do humans get ready to go to Mars. Or how do they survive for this mission? President Obama: Now last month we launched a new spacecraft as part of a reenergized space program that will send American astronauts to Mars and in two months, to prepare us for those missions, Scott Kelly will begin a year long stay in space. So good luck, captain, we're proud of you. Reporter: An American astronaut is hours away from beginning his one year mission on board the international space station... Reporter 2: While Scott is in space, his twin brother, former shuttle commander Mark Kelly will stay on earth, the brothers, perfect subjects to study... Norm knight: The trip to Mars is a long trip, seven months, and so we have to understand, what does it mean for an astronaut to be in orbit for that amount of time. Pasha Morshedi: Pretty much any system in the body you can think of is affected from space flight. The cardiovascular system is affected, the muscular system is affected. The immune system is affected. Lots of things can go wrong the longer you'll spend in space. Emily Nelson: Frankly we don't have very much data about exactly what twelve months is gonna do to Scott's body. It's an unknown, and you're basically allowing yourself to be an experiment. Amiko: It could cost him his life. This mission could cost him his life. Mission control: Ready for the launch, we are ready for the launch. Scott Kelly: I'm a test pilot, so, I think it's important to push the envelope. Announcer: We're waving goodbye one last time, before they're loaded in. Scott Kelly: The risk factor of this, which is high, makes it even more interesting. Announcer: The engines igniting, ramping up... [Inaudible radio chatter] And liftoff. The year in space starts now, Kelly, Kornienko, Padlanka on their way towards the international space station. Ann Druyan: Going to Mars, not only will people become invested in the safety and well being of the explorers, but also there is that drama, that sense of suspense, as to whether or not they can survive on a world that they were not made for. Interviewer: who is Ben Sawyer? Hana Seung: Ben Sawyer is our commander. Amelie Durand: Ben is probably the most reliable person I've ever met. Javier Delgado: Ben is the eye of the storm. He is a rock. Robert Foucault: Ben Sawyer is a great commander and I'm blessed and privileged to be one of his team. Marta Kamen: Ask him. Ben Sawyer: who is Ben Sawyer? Uh, he is a member of the team. Hana Seung: How far? Robert Foucault: 21 down, 43 miles left. Amelie Durand: Ben, hey, are you with us? Ben Sawyer: Yeah, always. Amelie Durand: Hang in there. [SCENE_BREAK] [Loud bang] Robert Foucault: Wheels five and six just locked. Mae: Suspension system compromised. Recommend visual assessment. Robert Foucault: The problem is in the rear. Javier Delgado: I'll get out there. [Alarm] Ok, I'm here. We snapped a load supporting strut above the third wheel-set. Robert Foucault: Can we weld it? Javier Delgado: No chance. Alpha-one-Alpha is split, the whole rocker is blown. Robert Foucault: Mae, repercussion report on damage to load supporting strut Alpha-one-Alpha. Mae: Replacement component required for restoration of mobility... Necessary 3D printer is at the new base camp. Javier Delgado: We're still 16.2 kilometers away. Amelie Durand: I really need to treat Ben with the equipment at the workshop. Hana Seung: We have to walk. Marta Kamen: It's minus-35 degrees. It will be minus-70 by nightfall. We run out of battery, we freeze to death out there. Amelie Durand: If we walk at a decent pace then we can make it to base camp in four hours. Javier Delgado: Loading the rover took time, our batteries are already down to four and a half hours charging. Ben Sawyer: No, it's too tight a margin. I'm not risking that exposure to my crew. We charge the suits and we leave when they're at capacity. Amelie Durand: If you don't get to base camp, then you'll suffocate before those batteries are charged... Ben Sawyer: I said we charge the... [Coughs] Amelie Durand: We don't have a choice. Hana Seung: If you think ordering us to stay in this rover to watch you die is the right thing to do, you shouldn't be giving orders. Ben Sawyer: Send a status update to mission control. Tell them we'll be out of contact until we reach the base camp. Neil degrasse Tyson: The funny thing about Mars, you know, it rotates once in about 24 hours. It has seasons, it has polar ice caps. So on the informational surface it feels like earth. But you dig a little deeper and you realize it's very cold there, it's very dry there; you can't breathe the air. It is more hostile to life than any place on earth. Andy Weir: The hottest it gets on Mars is about 0 degrees celsius. And that's like high noon in the summer time on the equator. But at night it will get as low as minus 100 celsius. Roger Launius: There is a fundamental problem that we're going to have to deal with in terms of a Mars mission that was never the case with the Apollo program, and that is the human body and how do we protect it for long, long periods in space and on the planet's surface. We are exceptionally fragile creatures. We are very well evolved to survive at sea level, on this planet and nowhere else. Pasha Morshedi: In the absence of gravity lots of things can go wrong, your heart doesn't have to work as hard and so it becomes less effective, your brain has challenges, controls your movements, the body seems to be demineralizing your bones, these are all very important to study, not just because academically we wanna know, but because we wanna make sure that they're good to go when they hit the surface of Mars. Peter Diamandis: So the physical challenges of getting to Mars is gonna be fun, right, you've been in a zero gravity environment for some eight months which is like being in bed for eight months, and then you reach the surface of Mars. Your coordination, your cardiovascular system, your respiratory system, all of that is all of a sudden under a gravitational load that was never there and so the question is will you be able to survive during this crucial time of arrival? Amelie Durand: If we don't succeed, then we will have tried. Ben Sawyer: For the last seven months, Daedalus had been our armor, shielding us from the harms of our journey, now we had nothing but our E.V.A. Suits to insulate us on the trip ahead. Javier Delgado: We're still 16.2 kilometers away. Hana Seung: We have to walk. Marta Kamen: It's minus-35 degrees. It will be minus-70 by nightfall. We run out of battery, we freeze to death out there. Ed Grann: Jesus. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Foucault: Easy, easy. Marta Kamen: We're not moving fast enough. Javier Delgado: We can't stop. Robert Foucault: We're averaging 3 kilometers per hour. Amelie Durand: Ben, we can slow it down, let you catch your breath. Ben Sawyer: No we can't. We have to move faster. Robert Foucault: We wanna make it by nightfall, we're gonna have to reroute across the dunes. Marta Kamen: He's right. Robert Foucault: Ok, ok, alright, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [Heavy breathing] [SCENE_BREAK] Amelie Durand: Ben? [SCENE_BREAK] Robert Foucault: One, two, three! [SCENE_BREAK] Hana Seung: Mae, battery report. Mae: 21% power remaining, advise return to climate controlled environment. [SCENE_BREAK] Amelie Durand: Oh my god, Ben, Ben! Ben, Ben! [Coughing] [SCENE_BREAK] Charlotte Kelly: He's the type of guy that you'll really never know until you're close to him, he has a sense of humor. You know, going a day without him cracking a joke it's kind of like you haven't said something that made me laugh today what's up? John Grunsfeld: I think some people are genetically programmed to want to go somewhere to leave their home and explore. You know you have to be very comfortable, losing that connection to those you've left behind. Jim Lovell: The type of person that you select to go to Mars has to have a family that understands the risk. My wife stayed home, hoping that I would not fall into some tragedy that I couldn't get out of, you have to have mental attitude of being prepared that something is going to happen. Ann Druyan: When I think about space explorers I think of their willingness to be so heart wrenchingly torn from the earth and everyone they love and everyone they know, to go and do impossible things. Interviewer: I wonder if you could tell me a little bit about your father? Ben Sawyer: When I was a child my father and I would, would uh, build little models of the solar system and he taught me all about the stars and taught me how to find my way by the stars, I don't know, right from then I always wanted to be up there, you know? [SCENE_BREAK] [Labored breathing] [SCENE_BREAK] [Heavy breathing] Mae: Entering auxiliary mode thermoregulation deprioritized, please return to a climate controlled environment and charge suit immediately. Ed Grann: I don't want matrix, I want position. How much longer before we hear something? Ava: Including the delay and if they'd kept their projected pace. Oliver: They should have arrived at base camp over an hour ago. Joon Seung: Their suits would have shut down thermal regulation to prioritize oxygen and co2 scrubbing. The electrigel will have some residual heat. Ava: They're in full night. Oliver: Without power, they're gonna freeze out there. [Coughing and grasping for air] Amelie Durand: Ben, Ben? Stop. Ben, Ben? He can't hear me, Hana, you're in command now. Hana Seung: We've gotta keep moving. It's gotta be close. We're moving, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Ed Grann: How long till visual? Computer: Satellites are still out of range audio and visual contact with crew is not possible until they reach the workshop module. Robert Foucault: We should see a beacon by now. Hana Seung: Horizon's closer here, we're in a valley. Marta Kamen: I can't remember any songs... Hana Seung: It's gotta be here. Marta Kamen: Can anyone remember a song? Hana Seung: We can't stop guys, we can't afford to stop. Amelie Durand: Stay with me Ben. Mae: Warning, your battery power is at 2%. Co2 scrubbing is now compromised. Javier Delgado: The air is going toxic. My vision is fading. Hana Seung: One more hill, hurry. Amelie Durand: You're doing great Ben, you're doing great. We're not very far. We're gonna make it Ben, we're gonna make it. We're not very far. [SCENE_BREAK] Ben's father: If you try to draw the solar system on a piece of paper, the planets will be microscopic. The only way you can get a sense of the scale is to build a model. It's a lot of work this space thing. Was it worth it? Amelie Durand: He can't breathe! Where is the workshop? Robert Foucault: It's there! Ah, come on. Amelie Durand: We need to work fast. Hana Seung: Come on! Amelie Durand: Fast, get him in! Mae: Pressurization complete. Amelie Durand: Javier, pull his helmet and back pad very gently. Plug in his biometrics. We'll worry about the infection later. Get me the monitor and two large pour IVs, I'm cutting the kevlar to expose his torso. Robert Foucault: I can see his heart rate climbing. Amelie Durand: Dammit Ben there is blood in his left lung and pleural space! Get me a chest tube; We need to drain this now! Hana Seung: Prepping the chest tube. Amelie Durand: Get him 100 mikes of Fentanyl, he's going to feel this! Gloves. His blood pressure is too low. Scalpel. His heart is constricted by fluid. Marta Kamen: Oxygen saturation is at 88%. Amelie Durand: Clamp... Hana Seung: Ben... Amelie Durand: Chest tube. I'm inserting the tube now. We should see relief with symptoms. Start suction. Show me his vitals. Hana Seung: Stay with me! Amelie Durand: His blood pressure is still dropping, something else is wrong! I can't feel anything through his suit, I need to do another cut. Scalpel. His whole abdomen is full of blood, he has ruptured his spleen. Ben, stay with me! Prep for a laparotomy. I need to clamp up the blood supply and remove the spleen, hurry! Hana Seung: We're not finished here Ben! Stay with me, come on! Amelie Durand: We're losing him, we're losing him. Javier prep 1ml of... [Distant overlapping chatter] Joon Seung: I've got them. Amelie Durand: I'm so tired joon, we're all so tired. He knew what he was doing. He did it because he knew it was the best chance any of us had... I can barely believe he's still hanging on. Blood was obliterating the lung and pleural space in the left, diminishing lung capacity and preventing him from properly oxygenating. After evacuation of a large volume of blood and clot, his spleen was noted to be extensively damaged. I was able to safely remove it but his vital signs remain unstable and he's still in guarded condition. He lost so much blood, joon, it's impossible to say now if he lives, or... The only thing is to wait... [SCENE_BREAK] Ann Druyan: I think sending humans to space is our latest expression of the ancient human practice called human sacrifice, but really in the service of something much greater. David Dinges: The early astronauts were risk-takers. They were brave people. They had been test pilots and flown in the early age of the jet engines, and more than a few of them died. Mission control: Challenger now heading downrange. [Explosion] Obviously a major malfunction, we have no downlink. Ronald Reagan: Sometimes painful things like this happen, it's all part of the process of exploration and discovery. The future doesn't belong to the faint hearted, it belongs to the brave. [SCENE_BREAK] Scott Kelly: Having been up here for a year, I now realize that a year is longer than I though it was, cause I feel like I've lived my whole life up here. In space I never feel completely normal. There's always something that is a little bit not right. Pasha Morshedi: These astronauts when they put themselves at risk they're not just putting themselves at risk for the things that we know. These people are putting their bodies at risk in ways that we might not ever understand. For us, and for the human race. Emily Nelson: We won't really know what the mission has done to him for years. As we continue to monitor him through time, and as we continue to see how the remainder of his aging process works out. We many not know for a long time exactly what he sacrificed. Charlotte Kelly: I have small worries, you know I'm at school and someone calls me to the front desk it's like, is dad okay? But I have a lot of faith in the space program and I know they're safe, but there's always that um, idea that you had false hope and that there is a possibility. Scott Kelly: Okay. Here, I'll put this headset on, hold on. How you doing? Charlotte Kelly: Good, how are you doing? Scott Kelly: You don't look very excited. Charlotte Kelly: Of course I miss him. [Laughs] I miss him. I just don't know how to show that I miss him. Watching movies with him and just kind of hanging out. It's like the things that don't seem important at the time, but when it comes down to them being gone you realize they're the most important. Scott Kelly: I saw your report card. Charlotte Kelly: Yeah. Scott Kelly: It was pretty good. You've gotta do better in Spanish, though. Charlotte Kelly: Yeah, I know. I don't like other languages, and it's just hard. Scott Kelly: Languages are just hard to learn, cause I've been studying Russian for like, I don't know, 18 years and there's no secret, it's just hard work. Charlotte Kelly: For the last year of my life, he has missed me growing about four inches taller, me going into a new school, new friends. A lot. You know, he's sacrificing time on earth and life, in a sense. Scott Kelly: Next time I see you Charlotte, you'll be at the bottom of the steps when I get off the airplane. Charlotte Kelly: Yep, the first thing I'm gonna do when I see him is I'm gonna give him a giant bear hug because that's what he wants me to do. Scott Kelly: I don't want the one-armed half hug. I want, I want the big bear hug... Both arms. Charlotte Kelly: Two arms all the way around and squeeze him. Scott Kelly: Yeah, just like that. Charlotte Kelly: He's like planned it out for me, everything. Announcer: Mikhail Korniyenko, Scott Kelly, Sergei Volkov on their way home. Robert Zubrin: What is a good life that we should aspire to? Is a good life one that is enjoyed with pleasure and without risk or is a good life one that has a chance to achieve great deeds? Scott Kelly: There's the immediate risk of the rocket blowing up. It's kinda like going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, while you're on fire. As soon as you realize you're not gonna die it's the most fun you've ever had. [SCENE_BREAK] We have to go to Mars. It'll require more sacrifice, more radiation, more risk, more time away. [Cheering and applause] I'd still do it, though. Hana Seung: I will miss my sister, and I'll be worried that she's worried about me. Joon Seung: I'm sorry, sir. Ed Grann: I didn't hire you because I was convinced you could keep your feelings separate from this mission. I hired you because I knew you couldn't. Cause I needed someone who understands what I understand. For something like this to work, it has to be personal. [SCENE_BREAK] [Grunting] [SCENE_BREAK] Ben Sawyer: We dream. It's who we are. Down to our bones, our cells. We'd come tens of millions of kilometers through the darkness. All of us prepared to sacrifice everything. Because we knew that making a home in this place was the only chance humanity had to go on dreaming. I thought I'd find you up here. [SCENE_BREAK] [Speaking Russian] Marta Kamen: Farewell. Hana Seung: He was gone. I was in command now. With Ben's strength to guide us, we had made the longest journey in the history of humankind. And I knew we had even further to go without him.

In 2033, the Daedalus crew battles across the harsh Martian terrain to reach their prebuilt base camp. A race against the clock to reach the safety of camp begins when the ship commander reveals he has been injured during landing. In the present-day documentary, NASA astronaut Scott Kelly undergoes a historic yearlong mission on the International Space Station, revealing both the physical and emotional hardships astronauts face for space exploration.

fd_Doctor_Who_06x07

fd_Doctor_Who_06x07_0

RECAP INCLUDING SCENES OF THE LITTLE GIRL AND EYE-PATCH LADY, CULMINATING IN THE FINAL SCENES OF "THE ALMOST PEOPLE" SPACE An asteroid has been converted to a base known as Demon's Run. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY A small baby is cooing as it lies in a small crib. As the camera pans to the side, we see the name: Melody Pond. We see a woman's hands caressing the baby as she speaks. AMY: I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved. That you'll be safe and cared for and protected. But this isn't a time for lies. (picks up MELODY) What you are going to be, Melody... We see the EYE-PATCH LADY and a number of armed soldiers standing behind AMY. AMY: ...is very, very brave. EYE-PATCH LADY: Two minutes. AMY: But not as brave as they'll have to be. Because there's someone coming. I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but trust me. He's on his way. SPACE 20,000 LIGHT YEARS AWAY INT. CYBER-SHIP, CORRIDORS As Cybermen march along a corridor, we see a figure walk past in the shadows, a cloak billowing behind him. We then see the sonic screwdriver used on a door lock. The door slides closed keeping out other Cybermen. INT. CYBER-SHIP, CONTROL The CYBERLEADER and two other Cybermen are monitoring the ship. CYBERMAN: Intruder. Level nine. Seal level nine. The ship rocks as small explosions go off. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY AMY: There's a man who's never going to let us down. AMY looks out a window and sees a large army gathering outside. AMY: And not even an army can get in the way. The EYE-PATCH LADY walks towards AMY, arms out. Two soldiers walk close behind. AMY: Leave her, just you leave her. Please leave her! Leave her! A YOUNG FEMALE SOLDIER watches as AMY sobs as her daughter is taken away. By the door, two hooded monks step closer to the rail. INT. CYBER-SHIP, CONTROL The ship is rocked by explosions. CYBERMAN: Intruder, level 11. CYBERLEADER: Seal levels 12, 13 and 14. CYBERMAN: Intruder, level 15. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY MELODY is in her bassinett. AMY leans over her. AMY: He's the last of his kind. He looks young, but he's lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. And wherever they take you, Melody, however scared you are, I promise you, you will never be alone. (leans over and kisses MELODY on the forehead) Because this man is your father. INT. CYBER-SHIP, CONTROL The CYBERLEADER takes position, flanked by other CYBERMEN. CYBERLEADER: Prepare to engage. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY AMY: He has a name, but the people of our world know him better... INT. CYBER-SHIP, CONTROL The doors slide open and RORY strides in wearing his Roman garb. The CYBERMEN aim their weapons at him. AMY: (V.O.) ..as the Last Centurion. RORY: I have a message and a question. A message from the Doctor and a question from me. Where is my wife? Oh, don't give me those blank looks. The 12th Cyber Legion monitors this entire quadrant. (walks to window where the rest of the fleet can be seen) You hear everything. So you tell me what I need to know, you tell me now, and I'll be on my way. CYBERLEADER: What is the Doctor's message? The ships outside the window explode. RORY remains impassive. RORY: Would you like me to repeat the question? [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil "A Good Man Goes to War" by Steven Moffat Producer Marcus Wilson Director Peter Hoar [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR We see a ship come in for a landing and then pan down to all the mechanics and engineers. Two are walking toward the lift. One is short and fat, the other tall and skinny. FAT MAN: A whole Cyber legion though. He just blew them all up. To make a point! THIN MAN: We're being paid to fight him, not praise him. Praising costs way more! They step into the lift, passing two monks. FAT MAN: Level Minus 23. Transept. The door slides closed. INT. DEMON'S RUN, LEVEL MINUS 23 They step out of the lift. FAT MAN: Digger says he once chased the Atraxi off a planet, then called them back for a scolding. THIN MAN: Fight him. Not praise him. They pass the YOUNG FEMALE SOLDIER who had been in the nursery. She is sewing something, a knowing smile on her face. ANNOUNCEMENT: Reminder. This base is on Yellow Alert. This base is on Yellow Alert. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION Two soldiers are watching the monitors and see the YOUNG FEMALE SOLDIER. SOLDIER 1: Is she sewing? SOLDIER 2: She's on a break she can do what she likes. SOLDIER 2 faces SOLDIER 1, holding up two pieces of paper in his hands. One is blank. SOLDIER 2: Now try again. SOLDIER 1: (points at the blank) That one. SOLDIER 2: No, that's the psychic. You've got to look for the fractals. SOLDIER 1 rolls his eyes. SOLDIER 2: Don't look bored, we're on Yellow Alert. SOLDIER 1: We've been on Yellow Alert for three weeks! INT. DEMON'S RUN, LEVEL MINUS 23 Two of the monks walk along, hands clasped in front of them. ANNOUNCEMENT: Reminder: do not interact with headless monks without designed permission. Do not interact with headless monks without designed permission. The FAT MAN and THIN MAN pass by the monks as they take readings off a machine. The THIN MAN watches them. FAT MAN: You're not supposed to stare at them. And if they think you're tying to see under their hoods, they'll kill you on the spot. THIN MAN: But why are they called the Headless Monks? They can't really be headless? YOUNG FEMALE SOLDIER: They believe the domain of faith is the heart, and the domain of doubt is the head. They follow their hearts...that's all. THIN MAN: You're Lorna Bucket, aren't you? LORNA: Yeah. Hello! THIN MAN: I'm the thin one, this is my husband he's the fat one. LORNA: Don't you have names? FAT MAN: We're the thin, fat, gay, married, Anglican marines. Why would we need names as well? (sees monks standing behind LORNA) Oh! Looks like I'm off! Time for my conversion tutorial. See you in a bit. (leaves with monks) Do you lot have Lent?! Cos I'm not good at giving things up... LORNA shakes her head. The THIN MAN looks at her. THIN MAN: Lorna Bucket. You've had an Encounter, haven't you? You've met him. LORNA: I was just a kid. (continues working) THIN MAN: But what's he like? The Doctor. LORNA: He said "run". THIN MAN: Just "run"? LORNA: He said it a lot. THIN MAN: And this was in the Gamma Forests, yeah? Because you're a Gamma girl, aren't you? What are you doing here? The forests are heaven-neutral. LORNA: Yeah, and 30 seconds of The Doctor is the only thing that ever happened there. INT. DEMON'S RUN, MONKS' CHAPEL FAT MAN precedes the monks into the room which is cast in an eerie red glow. FAT MAN: Oh, this is nice, I like this. I mean, quite a lot of red. I hope it's not to hide the stains! One of the monks goes to a shelf containing medium boxes. FAT MAN: What's in the little boxes? As the monk walks forward with the box, a recording plays. RECORDING: Welcome, applicant to the order of the Headless. It is traditional for visiting armies of other faiths to offer individuals for conversion to our order. You have been selected. The monk passes the box to another who opens it and then holds the empty box in front of the FAT MAN. RECORDING: Are you ready to make a donation? INT. DEMON'S RUN, LEVEL MINUS 23 THIN MAN slides a panel closed. It sounds like a guillotine. THIN MAN: So, what do you think? If the Doctor's really coming here, where is he? LORNA: He's the Doctor. He could be anywhere in time and space. She loosens a hose and steam escapes. EXT. LONDON ALLEY, NIGHT, 1888 A hansom pulls to a halt and the passenger exits. WOMAN: Thank you, Parker. I won't be needing you again tonight. PARKER: Yes, my lady. INT. HOUSE, FRONT HALL, NIGHT, 1888 The hooded WOMAN enters her home and a maid greets her. MAID: You're back early, ma'am. Another case cracked, I assume? The WOMAN places a sword reverently on a rack with others. WOMAN: Send a telegram to Inspector Abberline of the Yard. Jack the Ripper has claimed his last victim. MAID: How did you find him? The WOMAN lowers her hood to reveal she is SILURIAN. SILURIAN: Stringy, but tasty all the same. I shan't be needing dinner. MAID: Congratulations, ma'am.(hesitates) However, a matter has arisen in the drawing room. INT. HOUSE, DRAWING ROOM, NIGHT, 1888 The SILURIAN enters, followed by the maid. MAID: It just appeared. What does it mean? The SILURIAN walks forward, taking off her coat. SILURIAN: It means a very old debt is to be repaid. The TARDIS is in the room. SILURIAN: Pack the cases, Jenny. And we're going to need the swords. EXT. THE BATTLE OF ZARUTHSTRA, 4037 An OFFICER is dodging laser fire and explosions as he runs toward the field hospital. OFFICER: Nurse?! Nurse! INT. FIELD HOSPITAL, THE BATTLE OF ZARUTHSTRA, 4037 The OFFICER runs inside. OFFICER: Damn it! Where's the nurse?! WOMAN: He needs help! OFFICER: Madame President, I'm sorry, but we have to go now! Those things could be here any second! On one of the beds we see a YOUNG BOY, most likely MADAME PRESEIDENT'S son. A SONTARAN enters the hospital and removes his helmet. SONTARAN: Did somebody call for a nurse? The SONTARAN scans the YOUNG BOY. YOUNG BOY: Will I be OK? SONTARAN: Of course you will, my boy. You'll be up and around in no time! And perhaps one day you and I shall meet on the field of battle, and I will destroy you for the glory of the Sontaran Empire. YOUNG BOY: Thanks, Nurse. EXT. THE BATTLE OF ZARUTHSTRA, 4037 The SONTARAN leaves the hospital followed by the OFFICER. OFFICER: Commander Strax. I just have to ask. A Sontaran nurse? STRAX: I serve a penance to restore the honour of my clone batch. It is the greatest punishment a Sontaran can endure, to help the weak and sick. OFFICER: Who came up with that one? We hear the TARDIS materialize. STRAX: Tonight, though, perhaps my penance is over. Turns to OFFICER) Captain Harcourt, I hope some day to meet you in the glory of battle, when I shall crush the life from your worthless human form. The two nod their heads in acknowledgment. INT. STORMCAGE, CORRIDOR RIVER sways as she walks up to the phone amidst the blaring alarms. She is wearing a late (?) Victorian gown. RIVER: (into phone) Oh, turn it off. I'm breaking in, not out. This is River Song, back in her cell... Oh, and I'll take breakfast at the usual time. Thank you! RIVER hangs up the phone and glides along the floor. She stops when she sees a silhouette dressed as a Roman. RIVER: Oh, are you boys dressing up as Romans now? I thought nobody read my memos. RORY moves forward out of the shadows. RORY: Dr Song? It's Rory. Sorry, have we met yet? Time streams, I'm not quite sure where we are... RIVER: Yes. Yes, we've met. (somewhat sadly) Hello, Rory. RORY: What's wrong? RIVER: (laughs nervously) It's my birthday. The Doctor took me ice skating on the River Thames in 1814, the last of the great frost fairs. He got Stevie Wonder to sing for me under London Bridge. RORY: Stevie Wonder sang in 1814? RIVER: Yes, he did. But you must never tell him. RORY: I've come from the Doctor too. RIVER: Yes, but at a different point in time. RORY: Unless there's two of them. RIVER: Now, that's a whole different birthday. (heads for her cell and pulls diary from her muff and reads) RORY: He needs you! RIVER: Demons Run. (closes book) RORY: How...how did you know? RIVER: I'm from his future. I always know. Why on earth are you wearing that? RORY: The Doctor's idea. RIVER: Of course. His rules of engagement. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. RORY: Look ridiculous. RIVER: Have you considered heels? (turns away from RORY) RORY: They've taken Amy. And our baby. RIVER looks sad, almost on the verge of tears. RORY: (walks towards RIVER) The Doctor's getting some people together, we're going after her, but he needs you too. RIVER: I can't. (faces RORY) Not yet, anyway. RORY: I'm sorry? RIVER: This is The Battle of Demons Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further. And...I can't be with him till the very end. RORY: Why not? RIVER: Because this is it. (enters her cell) This is the day he finds out who I am. INT. THE MALDOVARIUM, 5145, NIGHT DORIUM is hurrying with a suitcase. He pauses and looks around. DORIUM: Goodbye. DORIUM then opens his case and rearranges the contents. Figures appear behind him. EYE-PATCH LADY: You appear to be closing down, Dorium. Later they are sitting at a table. EYE-PATCH LADY: What have you heard? DORIUM: That you pricked the side of a mighty beast, Madam Kovarian, and entirely failed to run. (guns are pointed at his head) I admire your courage. I should like to admire it from afar. (pushes the guns away) KOVARIAN: We've been waiting a month. He's done nothing. DORIUM: (counting money) Do you really think so? There are people all over this galaxy that owe that man a debt. By now, a few of them will have found a blue box waiting for them on their doorstep. Poor devils. COLONEL: You think he's raising an army? DORIUM: You think he isn't? If that man is finally collecting on his debts, God help you, and God help his debtors. COLONEL: Why? DORIUM: Colonel Manton, all those stories you've heard about him. They're not stories, they're true. (chuckles) Really you're not telling me you don't know what's coming? MANTON: We're wasting our time here! KOVARIAN: (stands) Agreed. DORIUM: The asteroid, where you've made your base. Do you know why they call it Demons Run? MANTON: How do you know the location of our base? DORIUM: (sighs) You're with the Headless Monks...they're old customers of mine. KOVARIAN: It's just some old saying. DORIUM: A very old saying. The oldest. "Demons run, when a good man goes to war". KOVARIAN and MANTON leave. DORIUM turns in his seat and watches them go. He laughs and walks into a back storage room on his way out. He hears the TARDIS. DORIUM: No. No, no, please! Not me! You don't need me! The TARDIS door opens and light pours out. We see the DOCTOR'S silhouette on the wall behind DORIUM. DORIUM: Why would you need me?! I'm old! I'm fat! I'm blue! You can't need me! INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON is on a stage, three Headless Monks behind him. The soldiers stand at ease as they listen. KOVARIAN is standing to the side. MANTON: He is not the devil. He is not a god. He is not a goblin, or a phantom or a trickster. The Doctor is a living, breathing man, and as I look around this room I know one thing... We're sure as hell going to fix that. The soldiers cheer. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY AMY is watching MANTON through the window as LORNA enters. She slowly approaches AMY, holding something in her hand. LORNA: Sorry. I shouldn't be here, I'm meant to be at the thing. I brought you something. Your child's name, in the language of my people. (it is what she was sewing earlier) It's a prayer leaf and we believe, if you keep this with you, your child will always come home to you. AMY: Can I borrow your gun? LORNA: Why? AMY: Cos I've got a feeling you're going to keep talking. (faces window) Talking like he's famous. The Doctor isn't famous... LORNA: He meets a lot of people. Some of them...remember. (smiles) He's sort of like a...I dunno. A dark legend. AMY: Dark?! Have you met him? LORNA: Yeah. AMY turns around. LORNA: But I was just a little girl. AMY: So was I. LORNA: You've been with him a long time then. AMY: No. He came back for me. LORNA: You must be very special. AMY: Hey. You can wait a long time for the Doctor. But he's worth it. OK? (walks to LORNA) The thing is, he's coming. No question about it. Just you make sure you're on the right side when he gets here. Not for my sake...for yours. (holds out her hand and LORNA gives her the prayer leaf) Thank you. AMY holds the prayer leaf between her hands as LORNA leaves. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON continues his speech. AMY continues to watch from the window. MANTON: On this day, in this place, the Doctor will fall. The soldiers cheer. MANTON: The man who talks, the man who reasons, the man who lies, will meet the perfect answer. Some of you have wondered why have we have allied ourselves with the Headless Monks. LORNA arrives and takes her position. MANTON: Perhaps you should have wondered why we call them Headless. It's time you knew what these guys have sacrificed for faith. As you all know, it is a Level One Heresy, punishable by death, to lower the hood of a Headless Monk. But by the divine grant of the Papal Mainframe herself, on this one and only occasion, I can show you the truth. Because these guys never can be... (lowers hood of first monk to show a knotted stump where the head and neck should have been) persuaded! They NEVER can be...(lowers hood of second monk) Afraid. (approaches third monk) And they can never, ever be... The monk throws back its own hood to reveal the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Surprised! The soldiers are stunned and AMY smiles and presses her hands against the window. DOCTOR: Hello everyone! Guess who! (walks to the front of the stage) Please point a gun at me if it helps you relax. All the soldiers-except LORNA-aim their guns at the DOCTOR. The two monks draw energized swords. DOCTOR: You're only human. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION VASTRA and JENNY enter communication and put swords to the two soldiers' necks. VASTRA: Go on, resist. I'm ever so hungry. JENNY: Now, dear, which button controls the lights? INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON aims his gun on the DOCTOR. MANTON: Doctor, you will come with me, right now! The DOCTOR turns and smiles at MANTON. DOCTOR: Three minutes, forty seconds. Amelia Pond! Get your coat! The DOCTOR puts his hood back on just as the lights go out. When they come back on, he's gone. DOCTOR: (over speaker) I'm not a phantom. MANTON: Doctor? DOCTOR: (over speaker) I'm not a trickster. MANTON: Doctor? DOCTOR: (over speaker) I'm a monk. MANTON: Doctor, show yourself! SOLDIER: It's him! He's here! (aims gun at the monks) Other soldiers aim their guns at the monks as well. The monks "charge" their swords. SOLDIER: It's him! The SOLDIER shoots one of the monks. There is tension between the two factions. MANTON: Weapons down! Do not fire! One of the monks raises his hand and energy shoots from it, killing a soldier. MANTON: NOOO! The monks and the soldiers start fighting each other. KOVARIAN: (to guards) Follow me. MANTON: Doctor! Doctor! INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION While VASTRA works the controls, JENNY looks at the screen at MANTON JENNY: Clever, isn't he? VASTRA: And rather attractive. Behind them, the two soldiers are tied up on the floor. JENNY: You do realise he's a man, don't you, ma'am? VASTRA: Mammals. They all look alike. JENNY: Oh, thank you! The soldiers work their way to the door lock override on the wall. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON aims his gun on the DOCTOR. MANTON: Nobody discharge their weapon in this room. Nobody! LORNA sees a figure in a monk's robe by one of the doors. The DOCTOR uses the sonic MANTON: Do not fire! INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION VASTRA: Was I being insensitive again, dear? I don't know why you put up with me. (turns and uses her long tongue on the soldier) INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON: Stop, wait! Listen to me! LORNA sees the DOCTOR sneak out the door and follows. MANTON: I'm disarming my weapon pack. (removes pack from gun) Monks, I do this in good faith! I am now unarmed. (places pack on the floor) All of you, discharge your weapon packs. The Doctor is trying to make fools of us... We are soldiers of God, we are not fools! We are not fools! ALL: We are not fools! (soldiers remove packs) MANTON: We are not fools! SOLDIER 2: We are not fools! More soldiers remove packs. MANTON leads the chant and the soldiers continue to follow his head. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION VASTRA: Colonel Manton is regaining control. JENNY: Where's the Doctor gone? INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDOR LORNA finds the DOCTOR'S discarded disguise and continues to follow. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR The soldiers continue their chant and soon they are all unarmed and the monks have lowered their swords. A female soldier puts down her weapon and then looks into the face of an armed Silurian. Other Silurians beam in and soon have the soldiers surrounded. Judoon appear as well. STRAX appears on the stage next to MANTON, gun aimed at him. STRAX: This base is now under our command. MANTON: I have a fleet out there! If Demons Run goes down, there's an automatic distress call. DOCTOR: (over speaker) Not if we knock out your communications array. The DOCTOR is on a raised platform overlooking the hangar speaking into a microphone. DOCTOR: And you've got incoming! PILOT: (over speaker) Danny Boy to the Doctor. Danny Boy to the Doctor. DOCTOR: Give 'em hell, Danny Boy! (puts arms out and pretends to be a plane) SPACE The Spitfires from "Victory of the Daleks" fire upon Demon's Run. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY As the asteroid rocks from the hits, AMY smiles. INT. DEMON'S RUN, MAINTENANCE CORRIDOR KOVARIAN and her two soldiers brace themselves. KOVARIAN: I need to get off this station now. Bring me the child! The soldiers turn back. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR PILOT: Target destroyed. The DOCTOR laughs. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY AMY laughs. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MANTON hangs his head. STRAX: Don't slump, it's bad for your spine! INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDOR The soldiers return carrying the basinet between them. KOVARIAN: Get back in there with the rest of them. Remember, the Doctor must think he's winning, right until the trap closes! I'll take my ship from here. KOVARIAN keys in a code at the door as the two soldiers set down the basinet and leave. LORNA is hiding at a corner. She takes off her pack and leaves quietly. COMPUTER: Airlock engaged. Shuttle ready for boarding. RORY: (holds his sword to KOVARIAN'S neck) No. KOVARIAN: I have a crew of 20. How do you expect to gain control of my ship? RORY scoffs. The airlock doors open and one of her men is pushed out, trussed up. Behind him are AVERY and his son. AVERY aims his pistol at her. AVERY: This ship is ours, m'lady! INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION STRAX is escorting MANTON by gunpoint. STRAX: All airlocks sealed, resistance neutralised! The DOCTOR is sitting at the main control panel. VASTRA, JENNY and DORIUM are also present. DOCTOR: Sorry, Colonel Manton, I lied. Three minutes, 42 seconds. STRAX: Colonel Manton, you will give the order for your men to withdraw. DOCTOR: No. Colonel Manton... I want you to tell your men to run away. MANTON: You what? DOCTOR: Those words. Run away. I want you to be famous for those exact words. I want people to call you Colonel Run-Away. I want children laughing outside your door, cos they've found the house of Colonel Run-Away. (stands and points his finger) And, when people come to you, and ask if trying to get to me through the people I love... is in any way a good idea... I want you to tell them your name. Oh, look! I'm angry. That's new. I'm really not sure what's going to happen now. KOVARIAN arrives escorted by two Silurians. KOVARIAN: The anger of a good man is not a problem. Good men have too many rules. The DOCTOR slowly turns his head to look at her. DOCTOR: Good men don't need rules. (walks over to KOVARIAN) Today is not the day to find out why I have so many. KOVARIAN: Give the order. The DOCTOR pulls back, a little surprised. He smiles crookedly and holds up a finger before walking away. KOVARIAN: Give the order Colonel Run-Away. INT. DEMON'S RUN, NURSERY There is a knocking at the door and AMY runs about, trying to find something to use as a weapon. AMY: Who's that, who's there? (finds something that looks like an industrial thermometer) You watch it, cos I'm armed and really dangerous and...cross! RORY: (through the door) Yeah. Like I don't know that. AMY: Rory? Rory, is that you. RORY: (through the door) Yeah, it's me...(uses the sonic) Hang on a minute. AMY: They took her. Rory, they took our baby away. The doors slide open and RORY is holding MELODY. RORY: Now, Mrs Williams... That is never, ever going to happen. (walks over to AMY) AMY: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. (checks MELODY) Where's she been, what have they done to her... RORY: She's fine. Amy, she's fine, I checked. She's beautiful. (starts crying) Oh, God, I was going to be cool. I wanted to be cool, look at me. AMY: You're OK. Crying Roman with a baby, definitely cool. Come here, you! (kisses him) The DOCTOR stands at the door. DOCTOR: Ugh, kissing and crying, I'll be back in a bit. RORY: Oi! You! Get in here. Now. The DOCTOR hurries over and joins them. He points at MELODY and smiles. RORY: My daughter. What do you think? DOCTOR: Hello. Hello, baby. AMY: Melody. DOCTOR: Melody! Hello, Melody Pond! RORY: Melody Williams. AMY: ..is a geography teacher. Melody Pond is a superhero! The DOCTOR leans over and listens as MELODY gurgles. DOCTOR: (to MELODY) Well, yes, I suppose she does smell nice. Never really sniffed her, maybe I should give it a go. Amelia Pond, c'mere! (hugs her) AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: I'm sorry we were so long. (sniffs her) AMY: It's OK, I knew you were coming. Both of you. My boys! MELODY squeals. DOCTOR: It's OK, she's still all yours. And really you should call her Mummy, not Big Milk Thing. AMY: OK, what are you doing? DOCTOR: I speak Baby. AMY: No, you don't! DOCTOR: I speak everything...Don't I, Melody Pond? (MELODY gurgles and the DOCTOR straightens his tie) No, it's not...it's cool! VASTRA enters and leans on the rail. VASTRA: Doctor! Take a look. They're leaving. The DOCTOR walks to the window and looks out as the soldiers are marched away. VASTRA: Demons Run is ours without a drop of blood spilled. My friend, you have never risen higher! RORY looks up at VASTRA'S words, remembering what RIVER said. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR AMY comes out of the TARDIS, comforting MELODY. RORY: Hey what's wrong? AMY: She doesn't like the TARDIS noise. I asked him to turn something off, but it was all "I don't want to punch a hole in the space-time continuum". JENNY and STRAX walk up to them. JENNY: Rory! The Judoon have escorted the Clerics out of the quadrant, Spitfires have returned to their own time, and Captain Avery and his men... Is she all right? AMY: Yes, she's just crying. STRAX: Give her to me, human fool. She needs changing. AMY: I just changed her. I think she might need a feed. STRAX: A feed, of course. I'll take care of everything. (steps forward, hand out) RORY: I really don't think you will, actually. STRAX: I have gene-spliced myself for all nursing duties. I can produce magnificent quantities of lactic fluid. The DOCTOR exits the TARDIS carrying an old fashioned cradle. LORNA: She's not hungry, she's tired. Sorry, Melody, they're just not listening. AMY: What's this?! DOCTOR: Very pretty, according to your daughter. RORY: It's a...it's a cot. DOCTOR: No flies on the Roman. Give her here. Hey! AMY: (hands MELODY to the DOCTOR) There we go. RORY: But where would you get a cot? The DOCTOR puts MELODY in the cot/cradle. AMY: It's old. Really old. Doctor...do you have children? DOCTOR: No. AMY: Have you ever had children? DOCTOR: (to MELODY) No, it's real, it's my hair. AMY: Who slept in here? VASTRA: (over speakers) Doctor! We need you in the main control room. DOCTOR: Be right there! Things to do... I've still got to work out what this base is for. We can't leave till we know. (heads off) AMY: (walks after him) But this is where I was? DOCTOR stops) The whole time I thought I was on the TARDIS, I was really here. DOCTOR: Erm... Centurion, permission to hug? RORY: Be aware, I do have a sword. DOCTOR: At all times. (salutes RORY then hugs AMY) You were on the TARDIS too...your heart, your mind, your soul. But physically, yes, you were still in this place. AMY: And when I saw that face looking through the hatch... that woman looking at me... DOCTOR: Reality bleeding through. They must have taken you quite a while back. Just before America... RORY: That's probably enough hugging now. The DOCTOR and AMY break the hug. RORY: So her flesh avatar was with us all that time. But that means they were projecting a control signal right into the TARDIS. Wherever we were in time and space. DOCTOR: Yeah, they're very clever. AMY: Who are? RORY: Whoever wants our baby. AMY: But why do they want her? DOCTOR: Exactly! RORY: Is there anything you're not telling us? You knew Amy wasn't real, you never said. DOCTOR: Well, I couldn't be sure they weren't listening. AMY: But you always hold out on us. Please, not this time. Doctor, it's our baby. Tell us something. One little thing. DOCTOR: It's mine. RORY: What is? DOCTOR: The cot. It's my cot. I slept in there. RORY looks at the hanging mobile over the cot. AMY: Oh, my God. It's the Doctor's first stars. RORY: She's... AMY reaches into her pocket and pulls out the prayer leaf to wipe around MELODY'S mouth. STRAX: Drop your weapons. State your rank and intent! (he marches LORNA over to them) I found it listening at the door! INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION The DOCTOR enters. DORIUM is sitting at the controls. DOCTOR: You've hacked into their software then? DORIUM: I believe I sold it to them. DOCTOR: So what have we learned? VASTRA: That anger is always the shortest distance to a mistake. DOCTOR: I'm sorry? VASTRA: The words of an old friend who once found me in the London Underground, attempting to avenge my sisters on perfectly innocent tunnel diggers. DOCTOR: Well...You were very cross at the time. VASTRA: As you were today, old friend. Point taken, I hope. The DOCTOR nods in acceptance of her words. VASTRA: Now, I have a question. A simple one. Is Melody human? DOCTOR: Sorry, what? Of course she is! (laughs uncomfortably) Completely human, what are you talking about?! DORIUM: They've been scanning her since she was born and I think they found what they were looking for. (pulls it up on a screen) DOCTOR: (walks over) Human DNA. VASTRA: Look closer. Human plus. Specifically...human plus Time Lord. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR LORNA: I heard her talking...this is a trap. Why would I lie to you? RORY steps forward. RORY: Well, you might want to take a look at your uniform. LORNA: The only reason I joined the Clerics was to meet the Doctor again. JENNY: You wanted to meet him, so you joined an army to fight him? LORNA: Well, how else do you meet a great warrior? AMY: He's not a warrior. LORNA: Then why's he called the Doctor? The lights go out and AMY and RORY stand by the cot. LORNA: It's starting. Please listen to me. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION DOCTOR: But she's human. She's Amy and Rory's daughter. VASTRA: You told me about your people. They became what they did through prolonged exposure to the time vortex. The untempered schism... DOCTOR: Over billions of years, it didn't just happen. VASTRA: So how close is she? Could she even regenerate? DOCTOR: No, no! I don't think so. VASTRA: You don't sound so sure. DOCTOR: Because I don't understand how this happened! VASTRA: Which leads me to ask... when did it happen? DOCTOR: When? VASTRA: I am trying to be delicate...I know how you can blush. When did this baby... begin? DOCTOR: Oh, you mean... VASTRA: Quite. DOCTOR: Well, how would I know? That's all human-y, private stuff, it just sort of...goes on. They don't put up a balloon, or anything. (walks down the hall) VASTRA: But could the child have begun on the TARDIS, in flight, in the vortex. DOCTOR: (heads back) No, no, impossible! It's all running about, sexy fish vampires and blowing up stuff. And Rory wasn't even there at the beginning. Then he was dead, then he didn't exist, then he was plastic. Then I had to reboot the whole universe...long story. So technically the first time they were on the TARDIS together, in this version of reality, was on their... VASTRA: On their what? DOCTOR: (gulps) On their wedding night. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR STRAX: Confirmed. No life forms registering on this base, except us and the Silurians. LORNA: The Headless Monks aren't alive...they don't register as life forms. A monk walks up behind a Silurian. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION DOCTOR: Doesn't make sense! You can't just cook yourself a Time Lord. VASTRA: Of course not, but you gave them one hell of a start and they've been working very hard ever since. DORIUM: And yet they gave in so easily. Does this not that bother anyone else? DOCTOR: Amy! She worried the baby would have a time head. She said that... VASTRA: Only you would ignore the instincts of a mother! DORIUM: Or the instincts of a coward. This is too easy. There's something wrong. DOCTOR: Why even do it? Even if you could get your hands on a brand new Time Lord, what for? VASTRA: A weapon? DOCTOR: Why would a Time Lord be a weapon? VASTRA: Well...they've seen you. DOCTOR: Me? (sits down, stunned) VASTRA: Mr Maldovar, you're right. This was too easy. We should get back to the others. DOCTOR: (softly) Me? VASTRA and DORIUM leave. The DOCTOR remembers the girl in the spacesuit and what RIVER said while examining the suit. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK to "Day of the Moon" RIVER: Well, I'd say she's human, going by the life support software. She climbed out of this suit. Like she forced her way out. She must be incredibly strong. [SCENE_BREAK] KOVARIAN appears on the communication screen. KOVARIAN: I see you accessed our files. The DOCTOR stands and faces the screen. KOVARIAN: Do you understand yet? Oh, don't worry, I'm a long way away. But I like to keep tabs on you. The child then... What do you think? DOCTOR: What is she? KOVARIAN: Hope. Hope in this endless, bitter war. DOCTOR: What war? Against who? KOVARIAN: Against you, Doctor. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR A lift opens and a monk emerges, shooting energy from his hand and killing the Silurian on guard. In the main area, a glowing light appears around the TARDIS. AMY is holding MELODY. AMY: What's that? VASTRA approaches and reaches a hand out to touch it. She pulls it back at the energy she feels. VASTRA: Force field. RORY is on alert. The monks begin chanting as they walk towards them. A loud noise is heard. LORNA: And those are the doors... locking. The monks pass the bodies of Silurians on the ground. The lifts are shut down. VASTRA: Apparently we're not leaving. They hear the chanting. RORY: Is that the Monks? DORIUM: Oh, dear God... that's the attack prayer. RORY: (to AMY) Quick, come with me. (leads her away) VASTRA: Commander Strax! STRAX: I'm trying to seal off this area of the lighting grid. VASTRA: This is where we'll make our stand. Clear lines of sight on all approaches. The monks have their swords out and charged. In another section of the room, RORY helps AMY and MELODY hide behind crates. AMY: Rory, no offence to the others, but you let them all die first, OK? RORY: You're so Scottish. Amy kisses him and RORY kisses MELODY'S head. VASTRA: (calls) Centurion, you're needed! RORY leaves. LORNA is searching through large crates. LORNA: There should be some plasma pistols somewhere. They left everything. STRAX: Then find them, boy! VASTRA: (to JENNY) She's definitely a girl. JENNY: Oh, stop it! DORIUM: (walks towards the monks) We don't have to fight. I'm friends to the Monks, they know me. RORY: Yeah, and they know you just sold them out to the Doctor. DORIUM: Oh, they'll understand. It's only me, only silly old me. (holds his arms out wide) You understand, don't you? VASTRA: Mr Maldovar, get back here! STRAX: Arm yourself, fool! RORY: Dorium! AMY clings to MELODY and hears the sound of a sword and then something hitting the floor. MEDLOY cries. VASTRA: Mr Maldovar? RORY: Dorium? LORNA comes up behind them, passing out guns. They watch as the monks march forward, swords glowing. A headless DORIUM also walks towards them. VASTRA: The child! At all costs, protect the child! RORY draws his sword in one hand and a pistol in the other. The others aim their guns. INT. DEMON'S RUN, COMMUNICATION The DOCTOR slams his hands down in anger as he shouts at KOVARIAN on the screen. DOCTOR: A child is not a weapon! KOVARIAN: Oh, give us time. She can be. She will be. DOCTOR: Except you've already lost her, and I swear I will never let you anywhere near her again. KOVARIAN: Oh, Doctor. Fooling you once was a joy... but fooling you twice, the same way, it's a privilege. DOCTOR: (realizing) Amy... Amy! (runs from the room) INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR AMY tries to console a crying MELODY as the sounds of fighting go on around them. Over AMY'S shoulder where only MELODY can see, a "panel" slides open and KOVARIAN'S face appears. In the main section of the hangar, the fight continues with RORY in the center of it. INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDORS The DOCTOR runs to the others, hoping to get there in time. RIVER: (V.O.) Demons run when a good man goes to war. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR The fight continues. RIVER: (V.O.) Night will fall and drown the sun when a good man goes to war. AMY consoles MELODY. RIVER: (V.O.) Friendship dies and true love lies. INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR The fight continues. RIVER: (V.O.) Night will fall and the dark will rise when a good man goes to war. INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDORS DOCTOR: Amy! INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR The fight continues. A monk comes up behind STRAX. LORNA is struck by a monk's energy. RIVER: (V.O.) Demons run but count the cost INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDORS RIVER: (V.O.) the battle's won but the child is lost. DOCTOR: Amy! INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR KOVARIAN speaks to MELODY. KOVARIAN: Wakey, wakey! INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDORS The DOCTOR comes to a locked door. DOCTOR: Amy! INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR MELODY bursts. She was Flesh. AMY: (screams) Rory! RORY hears her AMY: Rory! Rory! INT. DEMON'S RUN, CORRIDORS The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the door. DOCTOR: Amy, she's not real! Melody - she's a flesh avatar. (pounds on door) Amy! (door opens) INT. DEMON'S RUN, HANGAR The DOCTOR runs in, the fighting is over. DOCTOR: Amy! (stops at the destruction around him) Amy. RORY: Yeah, we know. RORY walks over to a dying STRAX. STRAX: It's strange. I have often dreamed of dying in combat. I'm not enjoying it as much as I'd hoped. RORY: Come on, Strax, don't give up. STRAX: It's all right, I've had a good life. I'm nearly 12. RORY: Listen to me. You'll be back on your feet in no time. You're a warrior! STRAX: Rory... I'm a nurse. (dies) The DOCTOR sees JENNY with AMY and walks over to them. AMY: So they took her anyway. All this was for nothing. RORY joins them. DOCTOR: I am so... sorry. (goes to hug her bust she backs away) JENNY: Amy... it's not his fault. AMY: (crying) I know, I know. RORY puts his arms around her and comforts her. VASTRA: Doctor, there's someone who wants to speak to you. Her name is Lorna, she came to warn us. The DOCTOR uses the sonic to scan LORNA. He squats down beside her and rubs his face with one hand in frustration. LORNA opens her eyes. DOCTOR: Hey. Hello. LORNA: Doctor! DOCTOR: (smiles) You helped my friends, thank you. LORNA: I met you once. In the Gamma Forests. You don't remember me. DOCTOR: Hey, of course I remember. (holds her face between his hands) I remember everyone. Hey, we ran, you and me! Didn't we run, Lorna? LORNA dies. DOCTOR: (to VASTRA) Who was she? VASTRA: I don't know but she was very brave. DOCTOR: They're always brave. (softer) They're always brave.(stands) VASTRA: So, what now? They'd almost certainly have taken her to Earth, raise her in the correct environment. DOCTOR: Yes, they did. And it's already too late. (walks away) VASTRA: You're giving up? You never do that. DOCTOR: (turns) Don't you sometimes wish I did? There is a bright flash of light and a clap of displaced air. RIVER: Well, then, soldier, how goes the day? The DOCTOR strides over. DOCTOR: Where the hell have you been? Every time you've asked, I have been there. Where the hell were you today? RIVER: I couldn't have prevented this. DOCTOR: You could've tried! RIVER: And so, my love, could you. (looks at AMY and RORY) I know you're not all right. But hold tight, Amy, because you're going to be. DOCTOR: You think I wanted this? (points generally) I didn't do this. This... this wasn't me! RIVER: This was exactly you. All this, all of it. You make them so afraid. When you began, all those years ago, sailing off to see the universe, did you ever think you'd become this? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name? Doctor? The word for healer and wise man, throughout the universe. We get that word from you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are, what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma Forests, the word "Doctor" means mighty warrior. How far you've come. And now they've taken a child... the child of your best friends... and they're going to turn her into a weapon, just to bring you down. And all this, my love...in fear of you. DOCTOR: Who are you? RIVER: (lightly) Oh, look, your cot! Haven't seen that in a very long while. (backs up to the cot) DOCTOR: No, no, you tell me. Tell me... who you are. RIVER: (takes his hand) I am telling you. (holds his hand on the cot) Can't you read? The DOCTOR looks at the Gallifreyan writing on the cot and then up at RIVER. He suddenly realizes who she is and smiles. DOCTOR: Hello. RIVER: Hello. DOCTOR: (laughs nervously) But... but that means... RIVER: I'm afraid it does. DOCTOR: (looks at AMY and RORY) Ooh! But you and I, we, we, we, er... (kisses the air) RIVER: Yes. DOCTOR: (looks nervously at AMY and RORY before straightening his tie and jacket) How do I look? RIVER: Amazing. DOCTOR: I'd better be. RIVER: Yes, you'd better be. DOCTOR: (spins) Vastra and Jenny, till the next time. Rory and Amy, I'll find your daughter and on my life, she will be safe. River, get them all home. (heads for the TARDIS) RORY: Doctor? AMY: No! Where are you going? No! The DOCTOR uses the sonic to lift the force field and enters the TARDIS. In the doorway, he laughs and points at RIVER before going inside and closing the door. The TARDIS dematerializes. AMY: (walks towards RIVER) Where's he going? What did you tell him? RIVER: Amy, you have stay calm. AMY: (picks a gun off the floor and aims it at RIVER) Tell me what you told the Doctor. RORY: Amy, no, stop it! RIVER: It's OK, Rory, she's fine, she's good. It's the TARDIS translation matrix, it takes a while to kick in with the written word. You have to concentrate. AMY: (looks at the Gallifreyan on the cot) I still can't read it. RORY takes the gun from AMY. RIVER: It's because it's Gallifreyan and doesn't translate. But this will. (gives AMY the prayer leaf) It's your daughter's name in the language of the forest. AMY: I know my daughter's name. RIVER: Except they don't have a word for "pond" because only water in the forest is the river. The Doctor will find your daughter and he will care for her whatever it takes and I know that. LORNA'S stitching changes in AMY and RORY'S eyes as the translation circuit works. One side becomes "River" and the other "Song". RIVER: It's me. I'm Melody. I'm your daughter.

The Doctor assembles an army and he and Rory infiltrate the asteroid base Demon's Run, where Amy is held captive and her newborn child, Melody Pond, has been taken by the Eye Patch Lady, Madame Kovarian. River Song refuses to join the Doctor, explaining that she cannot be there until the end, when he discovers her identity. The Doctor and Rory secure the base, free Amy, and take back Melody. The Doctor's allies discover that Melody contains both human and Time Lord DNA, a result of her being conceived on the TARDIS on Amy and Rory's wedding night. As Rory and the rest of the Doctor's allies battle the Headless Monks , the Doctor learns that he has been tricked: Melody has been replaced by a Ganger duplicate, and he is too late. River Song arrives communicates her identity to the Doctor and he races off in the TARDIS, promising Amy and Rory that he will get their daughter back. River then informs the couple that she is in fact their daughter; "River Song" is a translation of "Melody Pond" in the language of the Gamma Forest.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_06x04

fd_Gilmore_Girls_06x04_0

(OPEN in Lorelai's house, night. Lorelai is going through some boxes filled with tapes and clearing them out) LUKE: (OS) Oh, now come on. Come on! You have got to be kidding me. LORELAI: Luke, come down here. LUKE: (OS) This baseboard's not level. I can tell just by looking at it. LORELAI: Tom told you. It's a work in progress. LUKE: It's a disaster in progress. This baseboard belongs in a fun house. LORELAI: Luke, going up there is like busting into an operating room in the middle of a heart transplant. You know, and getting mad at the surgeon because the guy's heart is on the outside. And you're like, "Hey, his heart should be in his chest", and the surgeon's like, "Dude, I'm not done yet, get out of the operating room". LUKE: I've got to check the bathroom fixtures. LORELAI: Hey...uh, help. Fire, fire. We're on fire down here. Help. Flames crackling, marshmallows toasting. Save us. LUKE: (comes down from upstairs) What are you doing yelling "fire"? You can't do that. LORELAI: No, that only pertains to movie theatres. Crowded ones. If you're watching a Wednesday matinee of "Deuce Bigalow," you can yell "fire" all you want. Hell, you can start a fire, and no one will complain. LUKE: So, how is your project going? LORELAI: Like gangbusters. LUKE: Looks like it. You're getting rid of a ton. (picks up a box full of tapes) LORELAI: (stops him from picking up the box) Oh! No, no. Whoa, whoa, there, mister. Huh! Those are the keepers. These are the ones I'm tossing. (picks up another box that looks very light) LUKE: There's two videotapes in there. LORELAI: Every journey begins with a single step. LUKE: This was your idea, remember. Use the remodel to purge yourself of useless stuff. LORELAI: Yeah, useless. I'm keeping what I need. LUKE: (picks up a tape) You need an episode of "Magnum PI", from 1986? LORELAI: Of course not. That tape is mislabelled. That's "A Knots Landing" from 1981. All the women are held hostage at gunpoint during Ginger's baby shower, classic. LUKE: (pick up a bunch of tapes tied together) "21 Jump Street", season one. You do not need this. LORELAI: I need my "Jump Street." LUKE: So buy the DVDs. It'll save you a ton of space. LORELAI: No. The DVDs won't have the commercials on them. The original commercials, which is half the fun. Spuds Mackenzie, Clara Peller, "nothing comes between me and my calvins". I mean, they don't make them like that anymore. (walks over to another box) LUKE: You're gonna be one of those weird old people who hoards empty film canisters and laundry measuring scoops. LORELAI: Uh, gonna be. (picks up a tape) Hey, I've been looking for this. Check it out. LUKE: (reading the label on the tape) "Riding The Bus With My Sister." LORELAI: Rosie O'Donnell plays a retarded woman who's obsessed with riding the bus, and Andie McDowell is her uptight, big-city sister. LUKE: Sister? LORELAI: Yeah, and it gets better. In the ads I saw, the Rosie character was calling herself the sheriff, and she was bragging about her s*x life and buying toilet seats. And Angelica Huston directed it. Maerose directed it. LUKE: OK, fine. Watch it tonight after I leave. Then you can dump it tomorrow. LORELAI: You kidding? You don't just sit down and watch a movie like this. This is a Friday-night special. I'd have to have takeout, pizza, red vines, mallomars, the works. Plus, there's no way I would watch this by myself. This is exactly the kind of movie I would watch with someone. Someone else, you know? (looks at the tape she's still holding) LUKE: Yeah, right. (changes the subject) Well, at least try to pare this box down a little, please? LORELAI: I'll try. I will. I promise. LUKE: Good. (starts walking towards the staircase) LORELAI: If you promise not to go upstairs again. LUKE: I just got to check on one thing. (stops at the bottom of the staircase) LORELAI: (picks up a tape) Oh, look at that! "America's Castles", the special Florida edition. Seen it five times, keeping it. (puts the tape in the keepers box) LUKE: One thing. LORELAI: (picks up another tape) Oh, "The History Of Paper", a documentary by Ted Burns, distant relative of Ken Burns. Oh, seven hours. Dull, dull, dull. Keeping it! (puts it in the keepers box) LUKE: I'm not going up. (retreats from the staircase) LORELAI: Good. Oh! "Please Don't Eat The Daisies," seasons two and four. I've been looking for this. (OPENING CREDITS) (CUT to pool house bedroom, morning. Rory is getting ready. There is a knock on the door and Rory answers it) RORY: Come in. MAID: (enters with a clothes rack and head for the closet) Good morning, Miss Gilmore. RORY: Good morning. (surprised) Oh, wow, need help? MAID: No, thank you. RORY: What's that for? MAID: Mrs. Gilmore instructed me to help you with your summer things. RORY: My summer things? MAID: Mrs Gilmore says that autumn is the time for sweaters and wool, not for sundresses and flipper-floppers. RORY: Oh. Well, I don't really dress seasonally. I just sort of go with the flow. MAID: That is what Mrs Gilmore would like to correct. RORY: Oh, well... (cell phone starts ringing and Rory answers it) Hello? EMILY: (on the phone) Hello, Rory, it's your Grandmother. RORY: Grandma, we were just talking about you. (that maid starts filling up the rack, and Rory looks shocked) How are you? How's Helsinki? EMILY: Cold, unaccommodating, a population of walking dead. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. (puts the speaker on, walks towards the rack and starts going through the clothes that maid has already hung) EMILY: The cab driver from the airport was a thief, and the cuisine isn't fit for a stray cat. Kippers and cabbage rolls. And the weather! It snowed 6 feet last night, and apparently they can't fly under those conditions. Can't or won't, it's hard to say. I defy you to read a Finn. RORY: (picking up a few hangers from the rack) Yeah, they can be pretty stoic in those northern climes. (to maid as Emily keeps talking) Excuse me, but I actually use a lot of this in autumn. You know, light layers. (the maid smiles politely and continues to do her job) Emily: ...Anyway, your Grandfather and I are going to be delayed a couple of days. RORY: (a bit distracted) I'm sorry. That stinks. EMILY: I'm in a real bind. I've got that mixer with the girls I'm hosting tomorrow. With the curators of the Gilbert Stuart Exhibit? RORY: (distracted) Oh right. (Rory picks out a dress and addresses the maid again as Emily keeps talking) I wear it with tights. EMILY: I've planning it for weeks. Everybody's counting on me. But here I am thousands of miles away, stuck in a land of reindeer stew. And I'm loathe to cancel because there's nothing Constance Betterton would like more than for me to slip up so she can destroy my reputation, run me out of the DAR, Then jump in the air like a cheerleader and land doing the splits. RORY: (obviously not paying any real attention) Uh, wow. That's...the splits, huh? Um, whatever I can do to help, Grandma. (to maid) I wear white after Labor Day. EMILY: Rory? RORY: (to maid) I'm a rebel. Just go with it. EMILY: Are you still there? RORY: Yeah! still here, Grandma. EMILY: I was wondering if you could possibly fill in for me. I would be so grateful. RORY: (disbelievingly) Me? At the mixer? (picks up the phone and takes it off speaker) EMILY: It's all ready to go. The menu is set, and these new caterers I found are fabulous. All you have to do is smile and make sure everyone's cocktails are replenished. RORY: Well... EMILY: Just picture that snake doing the splits. RORY: Um, okay, Grandma. I'll help you out. EMILY: Oh, bless you. I'll check in a little later and give you a briefing about some of the canapes. RORY: Good, 'cause I'm rusty on canapes. EMILY: Call you later. RORY: Okay, bye, Grandma. Stay warm. (hangs up and looks over to her closet in shock. It is now almost empty) Maid? N...This is not going to work. Maid?! (exits to look for the maid) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie and Jackson are arguing) SOOKIE: A bath?! A baptism is nothing like taking a bath! JACKSON: I'm not saying it's a bath! I'm just saying if you don't believe in the religious aspect of it, then it's like a bath. As simple and as brief as a bath. LORELAI: (walks in with a mug in hand) Coffee. SOOKIE: It is so not like taking a bath! When you take a bath, there are candles and water-warped entertainment weeklies to read, and soap. There are not people standing around praying over you, at least not when I take a bath. LORELAI: Who's getting baptized? SOOKIE: Oh, our kids are. Because apparently we're suddenly super-religious. LORELAI: No kidding? Hey, would you guys mind moving over just a little bit? Thanks (squeezes herself between Sookie and Jackson to get to the coffee pot) JACKSON: Sookie, look at the baptism as a bargaining chip. If we give my mother this, then it'll soften the blow when she finds out that we're not having any more children because of the vasectomy. SOOKIE: They'll want to stay at the house, if we have this baptism. Your whole family. JACKSON: We'll just have to make room. SOOKIE: How? The house is barely big enough for us and the kids. And we'll end up sleeping on a leaky air mattress in the kids' room and getting horrible creaks in our neck while your mother blasts her "Flatt And Scruggs" CD. And your cousins are gonna be picking their teeth with my Reida paring knives. JACKSON: Oh, like your family is so easy! What about the time we had to see your stuttering cousin Odell in the worst production of "Nicholas Nickleby" known to man?! That was like nine hours of pure hell! And did I get to fake a heart attack during intermission? No! SOOKIE: I'm sorry. There is a difference between nine hours and three full days. There's 48 hours plus 24, whatever that is, minus 9 hours. What does that equal? 48 and 24, so that's, uh... eight and four... and that's two...(puts her hands on her forehead, seems like he's getting a headache) and 10 over. LORELAI: Whoa! Whoa! Sookie, don't do math. You know that hurts your head. SOOKIE: (still holding her head) Ow. LORELAI: Hey, I have an idea. If you're gonna have the baptism and you've got three days of family in town, how about if they all stay here? SOOKIE: At the inn? LORELAI: Yeah. Just give me the dates. We'll work it out. SOOKIE: And that would be okay? LORELAI: Sookie, you're part owner of the place. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. JACKSON: That would really help. LORELAI: So, cool. I'll take care of the arrangements. Sookie, you just deal with the post-baptism party. SOOKIE: Oh. I didn't know anything about a post-baptism party. (to Jackson) You didn't tell me anything about a post-baptism party. JACKSON: I didn't know myself. SOOKIE: (excited) I've got some late-summer salad recipes I've been wanting to try out. LORELAI: Oh, perfect. Okay, well, just let Michel know how many rooms you need, and I'll see you guys later. JACKSON: Thanks, Lorelai. SOOKIE: Yeah, thanks, hon. (Lorelai starts to exit) JACKSON: I just need the invoice signed for the zucchini and I'm off. SOOKIE: (picks up a zucchini) Oh, you think I'm taking this zucchini? (Lorelai turns around and approaches the couple again) JACKSON: You ordered them. SOOKIE: You stressed them out. JACKSON: Don't point that thing at me. LORELAI: Guys. SOOKIE: I can tell. Get them out of here. JACKSON: No! You give me the invoice. (Lorelai turns around and leaves) SOOKIE: I'll just have one of my guys get them out of here. JACKSON: This isn't about the zucchini. This is about the baptism. SOOKIE: Well, I christen these vegetables sucky! (CUT to Gilmore mansion, afternoon. Rory is hosting the DAR mixer. The waiters circulate the room with trays full of canapes and the DAR ladies seem to be enjoying themselves) RORY: (to one of the ladies) Oh, hello, Sarah. Thank you so much for coming. (to a waiter with a half empty tray) Excuse me. Hold on a sec. This tray is half empty. Should we fill it up to make it look less sad? WAITER: Uh, this is the last tray. RORY: (shocked) What? Oh, no. (checks a small note book) Oh, boy, there are only eight trays of salmon puffs allotted for the whole night? (waiter nods) This is not good. This is really not good. Do you think I should have staggered their release? I should have. I should have staggered their release. Okay, well, just spread them out, and then push the shrimp. Okay, you can circulate now. Circulate. (waiter walks off and Rory approaches another waiter) Uh, excuse me. There's garnish on this tray. There shouldn't be. My grandmother hates garnish. Here, I'll just, uh...(takes the garnish from the trey and puts it in her pocket) there you go. Okay, go, circulate. (the waiter walks away and Rory approaches a group of women) Circulate. (to one of the DAR ladies in the group) Hello, Lana. LANA: Hello. RORY: Nice to see you. Carole, hello. Great dress. CAROLE: Thank you. RORY: Darla, does the pearls council know about you? Fabulous. (walks away and approaches two other women) Everything all right over here, ladies? DAR LADY1: Everything's perfect, Rory. This is a lovely party. And those salmon puffs? Insane. RORY: Aren't they, though? Eight trays, and they're almost gone. I might have to go grab a pole and do some fishing. (the ladies giggle) Let me know if you need anything. (walk over to the paintings where Nora, the curator and another DAR member are discussing) NORA: I like the way he paints Washington's hair. It looks so luminous. If Gilbert Stuart were alive today, I would absolutely commission him to paint a portrait of my Henry. CURATOR: Well, Martha Washington had the same impulse. In 1796, she commissioned Stuart to do a portrait of her husband along with the one of herself to hang at Mount Vernon. DAR LADY2: Henry's not Nora's husband. He's her Springer spaniel. CURATOR: Oh. RORY: May I freshen your drink, Nora? NORA: Well, thank you, Rory. That's awfully sweet of you. (hands Rory her glass) Vodka tonic. (whispering) No ice and light on the tonic. RORY: I'll be right back. (walks off) NORA: Isn't she just darling? (as soon as Rory's out off site she starts running towards one of the waitresses) RORY: (hands Nora's glass to the waitress) Excuse me? Hi. The woman with the red hair over by the paintings, could you get her a vodka tonic, please, ASAP? (waitress nods and walks away) Thanks. (calling after her) No ice and light on the tonic. (CUT to patio, continuous. Rory walks outside. Two women ask for her attention) NANCY: Oh, Rory, perfect. Maybe you could help us with something. RORY: Absolutely. NANCY: We're admiring this plant here, this one with the waxy leaves, and yet the name for it has gone right spot out of our heads. RORY: I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what it's called. But I promise to ask my Grandmother and let you know. (reaches in her pocket for the little notepad) Let me just get your phone number here. (the garnish from before falls out also) Oops! (they giggle as we see Logan in the back coming out on the patio) Garnish. You just can't get away from it, huh? Um, (notices Logan) excuse me for a minute. (walks towards him. He doesn't seem to be in a good mood) Hey, I didn't know you were coming. (they share an awkward hug) LOGAN: Yeah. I forgot you had a thing today. (looks around miserably) RORY: Oh, it's okay, 'cause now I get to show you off. (drags him over to the ladies she was talking to before) Nancy, Lucy, I'd like to introduce Logan Huntzberger. Logan, this is Nancy Osgood and Lucy Faxton-Field. LUCY: How do you do, Logan? It's such a pleasure to meet the young Huntzberger. LOGAN: Hey. RORY: (surprised by his behaviour, tries conversationally) Uh, Logan, I think I've told you about Nancy. She's the one who insists I look like Clara Barton, which I'm still not sure is a compliment. NANCY: Oh, it's a compliment, of the highest order. (the ladies chuckle while Logan is still unmoved) RORY: Um, well, if you'll excuse us, I think I promised Logan one of the coveted salmon puffs. LUCY: So nice to meet you, Logan. (Logan nods and then he and Rory walk away) (CUT to Gilmore mansion kitchen, continuous. Rory and Logan walk in. Rory walks to the coffee pot and Logan spots a bottle of scotch he helps himself with) RORY: (reaches for a mug) Want some coffee? (sees Logan pouring scotch) With your scotch? LOGAN: Sorry. I'm just not in the mood to deal with this type of thing right now, these type of people. RORY: Why? Did something happen? LOGAN: So how long do you think this thing's gonna last? RORY: Um...an hour, hour and a half tops. And then 15 minutes for me to pay the caterers, and make sure the cleaning staff knows what to do. Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you go hang out in the pool house, and then I'll come out as soon as I finish up here? We could talk. (walks over to him) LOGAN: Yeah, okay. (kisses he cheek) RORY: (goes over to the coffee pot and tries to pour coffee. The pot is empty) We need coffee! There's no more coffee. (a bit hysterical) Someone make me some coffee!(exits the kitchen) (CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. PA is sitting waiting for dinner. Lorelai approaches him with a bowl) LORELAI: Okay, Paul Anka, dinner time. You need to eat tonight, okay? Now, this is the kibble you like, in the nice, new, yellow bowl that you picked. (puts the bowl down) I will now...(picks up a plate from the counter with her dinner) I will now back out of the room so you can eat...(turns the light off) in the dark, like you like. (walks out of the now dark kitchen) (CUT to Lorelai's living room, continuous. Lorelai puts the plate on the bed and turns on the TV. She notices the tape with the movie "Riding The Bus With My Sister" - the one she was talking about with Luke. She sits in the bed, picks up the phone and starts dialing. It rings once, then beeps and an operator picks up) OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in serv... (Lorelai hangs up and dials again. Same drill - ring, beep, operator) OPERATOR: We're sorry. You have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this number in...(Lorelai hungs up and looks sad) (CUT to pool house, night. We hear music and noises. Rory looks through the glass door and is a bit surprised. Rory enters the pool house holding a napkin and sees that apparently Finn and Colin have now joined Logan, who's sitting on the couch. Finn is talking on the phone and walking around, while Colin pours himself I drink) FINN: (on the phone) So, cancel with him, darling, is that so difficult? (notices Rory and waves. She waves back) I find the fact that you love him completely irrelevant. RORY: (to Logan) What's going on? LOGAN: (a bit tipsy) Hey, is that my salmon puff? RORY: (presents him with the napkin) Yeah. LOGAN: (taking the salmon puff) Anything is good in a puff. Hi. (reaches out to kiss her) RORY: Hi. (they kiss) COLIN: Hey, Rory. RORY: Hey, Colin. I didn't know you guys were coming over. LOGAN: I invited them over. I hope that's cool. RORY: Oh, yeah, of course it's cool. I just...I would have brought more puffs. LOGAN: You need a drink. (gets up from the couch to prep Rory a drink) RORY: Ah no, I... FINN: Somebody give me a sonnet. Melissa's a poetry major. COLIN: There once was a gal from Nantucket. FINN: Stop it, Colin. I'm not trying to propose. (seductively) Melissa...do you miss me, darling? (a blond girl approaches the group) RORY: (notices the girl and greats her) Hi. (the girl seems unmoved) Uh, Logan? LOGAN: Yeah, Ace? (gives Rory a drink) RORY: (taking the drink) Who's the skirt? LOGAN: Ah. That is Colin's milkmaid. RORY: He brought her back from Holland? COLIN: Yes, he did. RORY: Oh. (walk over to the milkmaid) Hi. I'm Rory. I've heard a lot about you. COLIN: She doesn't understand English. RORY: Oh. (to milkmaid) Sorry. COLIN: Yes, aren't we all. RORY: Colin, rude! COLIN: Everywhere I go, everything I do, surprise!, there she is. RORY: Well, you brought her here. What did you expect? COLIN: I don't know what happened. When we were in the Netherlands, she seemed so amazing, you know? (Rory and Logan sit back on the couch) But the minute we left, she began to lose her appeal. RORY: Well everything looks appealing when you're stumbling out of an Amsterdam coffee bar. FINN: Tell me about it. One night I spent half an hour hitting on a bike. (on the phone) Maria! You're the only one that can save me. COLIN: Rory, you have to understand. Milkmaids are, like, iconic over there. They're practically Dutch superheroes. Dating Katrinka was like dating Wonder Woman. RORY: Katrinka. LOGAN: Yeah. He's gonna be hearing about that one for a long time. FINN: (on the phone) Oh...I see. Well, just so you know, I think you're an awfully sweet girl to date a guy with such an unfortunate skin condition. (hangs up and turns to Rory) Rory? RORY: hmm? FINN: Any chance you're breaking up with Logan in the next 20 minutes? RORY: Sorry. FINN: Damn. (starts dialling. On the phone) Veronica! (Kartika hugs Colin lovingly) Finn. Still engaged, darling? Well, I am, too, but I'm not going to say in what. RORY: (to Logan) So, this is a surprise. The guys being here and everything. LOGAN: Well, Colin just got back. I hadn't seen him. Is that okay? RORY: Oh! Yeah, it's fine. I just...well you seemed like you were kind off in a bad mood earlier. LOGAN: Well, this is how you get out of a bad mood, Ace. (to the group) Hey, let's get something to eat. I'm starving. COLIN: Yes. (gets up quickly to get away from Katrika. She looks sad) Chinese food. No dairy in Chinese food. FINN: Perfect. General Lee's has that adorable waitress with a very tiny intellect. Let's go. LOGAN: (to Rory) General Lee's? RORY: General Lee's. Just give me a minute, and I'll go change. LOGAN: No way! You've got that hot librarian thing going on. I like it. Grab a book. Let's go. RORY: (giggling) Kay...(they get up from the couch and the whole group, minus Katrika starts to exit) FINN: I've got shotgun. COLIN: No, you don't. You're driving. (Rory turns the music off and sees that Katrika is not following) FINN: I can reach over to steer. (the boys leave as Rory stays behind with Katrika) RORY: (calling after the boys) Uh, Colin?! You forgot your milkmaid! (the girls sit and stare at each other. Katrika looks sad, and Rory gives her a faint smile) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai and Michel are at the front desk arranging Jackson's family rooms. Lorelai is corresponding rooms to people and Michel is putting the keys in envelopes) LORELAI: Okay, room five just checked out, so let's give that to Jackson's sister Adele. Put cousin Rachel in room three and aunt Pat and uncle Rusty in room six. (Michel puts a key in the last envelope) Okay, that's two people in room six. Aunt Pat and uncle Rusty. They're gonna need two keys. MICHEL: I gave them one. They can share. It's the least the freeloading hicks can do. LORELAI: They're not freeloading hicks. They're our guests. MICHEL: They are moochers. They go supermarket-hopping to gorge themselves on free samples and get their perfume from magazine inserts. You can recognize them from the paper cuts on their wrists. SOOKIE: (running up to the front desk) Jackson not here yet? MICHEL: No. But his family's arrival is imminent, so I'm off to nail the furniture to the floor. (walk way) SOOKIE: (upset) I don't believe it. The whole clan will be here any minute. LORELAI: (walks over to Sookie) Sookie, relax. SOOKIE: I can't relax, it's Jackson's family. I try to say nice things to them, but they misinterpret it and they think I'm insulting them. So I've tried being really quiet, and then they get all like, "Why are you so quiet?". So I overcompensate and start cracking jokes like I'm carrot top, and I start doing funny things with props and I hate prop comedy. LORELAI: We all do, honey. (Jackson storms in breathless, like he's been running) JACKSON: They're right behind me. SOOKIE: Jackson, you almost left me buffer-less. What happened? JACKSON: Aphids happened. All over my tomatoes. And I was squirting them, and they're multiplying, and I lost track of time. So I start racing over here on foot, and I saw Bo's minivan just in front of me, so I cut through the thicket, and you know how I hate the thicket, just so I could get here first. Oh, my god, my breath. I can't catch my breath. I'm breathing out, but I can't breathe in. LORELAI: Okay, Jackson, calm down. You're here, right? (to Sookie) He's here. Your buffer's here. (walks back to the front desk) SOOKIE: I got my buffer. It'll be okay. JACKSON: (to Sookie) Okay, so, did you tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm? (gesturing towards Lorelai who's now behind the front desk) SOOKIE: No, he's your family. You tell hmm-hmm about hmm-hmm. (gesturing the same way as Jackson. Lorelai looks up at them) LORELAI: Why do I get the feeling I'm at least one of the "hmm-hmm"s? (Sookie and Jackson start walking up to the front desk) JACKSON: Lorelai, we need to tell you something. Remember my brother Bo? LORELAI: Uh, dark hair, coarse stubble, Jefferson Davis tattoo? JACKSON: He thinks you're a nympho. LORELAI: A what? SOOKIE: It's short for nymphomaniac. It means you really dig the fellas. LORELAI: I know what it means, but how? I didn't say two words to the guy when I met him. I said one: "Hi". And that was not in response to, "What's your s*x drive like?". LORELAI: Apparently, cousin Rune told him. LORELAI: Rune! Short guy, light hair, thought marijuana gave your salad zest? JACKSON: That's the one. Bo said Rune said you're a horn dog. LORELAI: A horn dog? JACKSON: His word, not mine. SOOKIE: His family, not mine. (Jackson's family start entering the Inn. Lorelai, Sookie and Jackson notice) SOOKIE: Mom! (quietly to Jackson) Buffer. (to her mother in-law) Welcome to the Dragonfly! (they hug, as the rest of the family walk in and Jackson walks over to them) JACKSON: Hi, everybody. (to a relative who has trouble holding up all his luggage, and it's quite a lot) Oh, my, that's quite a bit of luggage for three days. You are just staying three days, aren't you? (Bo walks up to the door) BEAU: That's right, little brother. Three days! Why don't you all relax. I'll take care of checking us in. (walks over to the front desk where Lorelai is waiting to check them in) Well, hello, LG. LORELAI: (uncomfortable) Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn. BEAU: Welcome to Bo. LORELAI: (trying to sound casual) Nice sunglasses. Very "Risky Business." BEAU: Risky business, huh? (what would be a seductive tone) Are you into risky business? LORELAI: No. All of a sudden I hate it. Tom Cruise in his underwear makes me want to barf. Would you like to register? BEAU: I would love to. (takes a pen and sings, without taking his eyes off Lorelai) LORELAI: You just signed the blotter. BEAU: Oh, whoops. Sorry. I was distracted. LORELAI: Well, um, you're in room 7. So just take a right at the top of the stairs and enjoy your stay. BEAU: Well, aren't you accommodating. Guess I'll just go get my duffel bag out of the minivan. (walks away, as Jackson approaches the front desk) LORELAI: (to Jackson) That's the first time I ever heard the word "duffel" sound dirty. JACKSON: I am so, so sorry. LORELAI: All right, here are their keys. Names are on the envelopes. They can go up any time. (gives the envelopes to Jackson) JACKSON: (takes the envelopes) I am so, so sorry. (Sookie walks up to the front desk area) SOOKIE: (a bit disgusted) Ooh, uncle Artie hugged me too long. JACKSON: Lorelai checked Bo in. SOOKIE: (to Lorelai) We are so, so sorry. JACKSON: Keys! SOOKIE: Let's get them upstairs. JACKSON: I got your keys, everybody. (walks over to his family to give away the keys) Come and get them. Come and get them.(as Jackson is passing out the keys Bo walks back in, and stops at the front desk area before he goes up the stairs. He knocks on the doorframe to get Lorelai's attention) BEAU: Just thought I'd give you my room number, princess. LORELAI: I have it. Remember, I checked you in about a minute ago? BEAU: All right, then. See you soon. (licks his key in what he would think a suctive way. Lorelai shakes her head in disgust as she exhales sharply) (CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Zach and Brian are sitting at a table as Lane works. Zach looks deep in thought as Brian is eating. Lane approaches them) LANE: (to Brian) He asleep? BRIAN: He's waiting for his muse. ZACH: Don't say it like that. BRIAN: Like what? ZACH: All condescending. It's not cool. BRIAN: I wasn't condescending. ZACH: Songwriting is about making yourself open and vulnerable so that the lyrics come out true. If I'm being sensitive, that's a by-product of my craft. BRIAN: I hear you. ZACH: Okay, now you just patronized me. BRIAN: I wasn't patronizing you. LANE: Carry on. (walks away) ZACH: What's with her being all dismissive? BRIAN: Hey, you want to get more fries? ZACH: Oh! Yes! Yes! Dude, you said "fries," and it hit me. BRIAN: Really? ZACH: Quick, get this down. BRIAN: (rapidly cleans his hands gets ready to take notes) Go. ZACH: (in melodical voice) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh BRIAN: (confused) Wait! What? ZACH: Just get it down before I forget it. (sings the melody again) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh BRIAN: It's not lyrics. ZACH: Duh! It's a melody. Come on. (melody) Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh BRIAN: OK, OK. ZACH: Get it? BRIAN: I think so. (trying to imitate the melody) Up, down, further down, little higher up, down a smidge. ZACH: (frustrated) Brian! BRIAN: I don't read music. ZACH: Great! Lane, come here. Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh. (Lane comes over) LANE: What? ZACH: I need your cell phone so I can call home and leave a tune on our machine. LANE: I don't bring my cell phone to work. ZACH: (frustrated) Ugh! Ah ah ah ah-ah oh-oh-oooh LANE: Um, you're starting to freak out some of the customers. (pats Zach on the back and walks away) BRIAN: I just want you to know I feel really helpless right now. (Sookie storms in the diner) SOOKIE: (walking quickly towards the counter, behind which Luke is standing) Luke, Luke, Luke! look, look, look! Oh! Luke, Luke, Luke, look, look, look. Ha! That was kind of funny. It just came out. LUKE: Sookie, I'm working. SOOKIE: I know. I just came by to show you this. (holds up a wedding cake-topper) LUKE: What's that? SOOKIE: This is a vintage cake-topper. Porcelain bisque, hand-painted, I think the 1940s. Shoulder pads on the shoulders. A, ha! I found it at a flea market this morning. It's perfect. LUKE: Perfect for what? SOOKIE: For your and Lorelai's wedding cake. LUKE: Oh, well, that's nice. SOOKIE: Nice? Nice? It's not nice, it's fate. Look. (hold the cake-topper so the bride and grooms rear ends are facing Luke) Perhaps this looks familiar. His butt. It's your butt. (points to the porcelain butt) It's your butt, Luke. It's your butt. LUKE: Sookie, stop screaming, "It's your butt". People are eating. SOOKIE: What are the odds of me finding a cake-topper with exactly your butt? (bends over the counter to check out Luke) LUKE: (serving an order) Turkey burger with Swiss. SOOKIE: Oh, when I found this topper, your whole cake came to me, like in a vision. White and sparkly with beautiful daisies made of fondant on the top. LUKE: (serving another order) Cow burger with cheddar. SOOKIE: So, now that I know the cake, all you have to do is set the date. When is the date? LUKE: I don't know. SOOKIE: What do you mean, you don't know? LUKE: I mean I don't know. (walks around the counter to clear a table and Sookie follows him) SOOKIE: Luke, Miss Manners said you're not really engaged until you have a ring and a date. LUKE: Yeah, and it's tacky to drink from a can, but there you go. SOOKIE: Luke, please. LUKE: Look, you know the drill here, Sookie. We're not setting a date until things are settled between Lorelai and Rory. SOOKIE: And when exactly is that going to be? LUKE: I don't know. SOOKIE: Well, what do you plan to do about it? LUKE: Nothing. SOOKIE: Nothing? What kind of an answer is that? LUKE: Sookie, it's between them. (walks over behind the counter again, as Sookie sits from the other side of it) Me and my butt are staying out of it. SOOKIE: Oh, come on. You know this whole non-talking thing between Lorelai and Rory is ridiculous, and you know it. LUKE: I do know it. (serves an order at the far end of the counter) Grilled cheese, double order fries. SOOKIE: Well, all I can say is that those two better make up before your butt falls and this gorgeous antique cake-topper is nothing more than a kitschy piece of junk from the 1940s. (a car starts honking and it catches her attention) Crap. I got to go. I left Jackson's mother in the car. Maybe I should have cracked the window. (exits the diner. Luke walks to the other end of the counter. Zach is on the diner phone singing his tune) ZACH: Ah Ah Ah oh oh ohohoh (Luke takes the phone from him and hungs up) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to outside of band's apartment, night. Lane walks up the drive way. She greats someone on her way to the door) LANE: Hi, Mrs. Lamkin. Mrs.LAMKIN: Hi Lane (enters the apartment) (CUT to inside apartment, continuous. As Lane enters she stumbles on some boxes and electronical equipment. Zach and Brian are occupying themselves with said equipment) LANE: What is going on? What is that? ZACH: Hey! This is the G5 dual 2.3 with a one-Gig RAM upgrade. BRIAN: And this 3 1/2-inch aluminum casing houses a 300-Gig hard drive. ZACH: And we got pro tools, too. We're gonna be able to record like a million tracks every song. We can burn, mix, and edit our own CDs. It's gonna be nuts. BRIAN: Yeah, just as soon as we figure out how to turn it on. LANE: But how? When did...? (looks over to the boys and at their looks it hits her) Oh, my God! The tour money! (rushes over to her room. Yelling OS) You went into my underwear drawer?! (walk back in the living room) I cannot believe that you went into my underwear drawer. ZACH: But that's where the tour money was. LANE: But that was my underwear drawer. ZACH: It was business, not pleasure, Lane. BRIAN: I had my eyes closed the entire time. It was all by feel. LANE: That was my room. My private inner sanctum, and you ransacked it. ZACH: Hey! We could be mad too you know! Frankly the fact that you felt you had to hide the tour money from us is pretty insulting. BRIAN: Yeah, and that money was for recording equipment, anyway. So what's the big deal? LANE: But did you at least shop around? I mean, did you go through the stack of research I have on recording equipment, cost comparisons, audio magazine articles? Did you happen to look at any of that? BRIAN: Jeez, we didn't go through all your stuff, Lane. LANE: I can't believe you just went out and spent nine grand without talking to me. ZACH: It wasn't the plan. I mean we just cruised by the store to get a microcassette recorder so I could preserve my tunes. And there was this sales guy... BRIAN: (interrupts) a great guy. ZACH: A really great guy. And we ended up talking to him about music. BRIAN: And Zach sang him his tune. ZACH: Which he totally dug. Reminded him of early Smiths. BRIAN: Great guy. ZACH: He was! And he was like, "You should get this". And he was like, "this is the last day of our once-a-year sale, and everything's 30% off", and he showed us this whole system. BRIAN: He spent like an hour with us. ZACH: Totally great guy. BRIAN: He thinks we're gonna be huge. LANE: Was there change? ZACH: Huh? LANE: Did the totally great guy give you any change? (the boys look at each other confused and then back at Lane you yells frustrated) Uuuugghh! (exits to her room a tad pissed and bangs the door) ZACH: She totally would have liked him. BRIAN: 'Cause he was a great guy. (CUT to Drangonfly Inn, night. Lorelai walking the library with some board game sot put away. Michel is there) MICHEL: I believe Jackson's aunt Pat is borrowing DVDs from our collection, and secretly burning copies for her own DVD library. LORELAI: What makes you think she's not watching the DVDs? MICHEL: The Belleville's are freeloaders. The whole lot of them. They are as cheap as tan panty hose with white sandals. Plus, I believe they have emptied all the booze from the minibars upstairs into their own flask and then refilled the bottles with water. LORELAI: Can I interest you in a sick day? MICHEL: Pssh! I would not give them the satisfaction. (starts exiting the library, Lorelai follows, and Sookie is walking towards them) Oh, how proud a family reunion must be for you. (walks away) LORELAI: He's snarky. SOOKIE: And sarcastic. LORELAI: He's snarcastic. SOOKIE: Hey, do you have a minute? I want to ask you something kind of important. LORELAI: Sure, I've got nothing but minutes. (they walk over to a couch and sit) SOOKIE: Well, I was wondering if you would honour me and Jackson by being Martha's godmother. LORELAI: (gasps) Oh, wow. SOOKIE: Oh! is that a good "oh, wow" or a bad "oh, wow"? LORELAI: It's just "oh, wow!". The whole idea of me being a godmother. I never thought of myself as the godmother type. Would I need a wand? SOOKIE: I think you can pull it off without it. LORELAI: Aw, jeez, Sookie, I'm touched. I would love to be Martha's godmother. SOOKIE: Great. Oh, I'm so happy you said yes. It's going to be great. And we're gonna baptize both kids at once, so Davey's gonna need a godmother, too, and I thought, "How about Rory?". LORELAI: (a bit uncomfortable) Rory, huh? SOOKIE: Yeah! I thought it would be fun. And I know it's weird with you two now, but there's really no one else I'm close to to ask. LORELAI: Oh, yeah? Um, what about your friend Kat from the Culinary Institute? You guys roomed together in college. SOOKIE: She's been institutionalised. LORELAI: What? Really? SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. She shaved her head. She thinks she's Susan Powter. Sad. LORELAI: Well, how about Theresa? She lived next door to you growing up. Aren't her husband and Jackson best friends? SOOKIE: She moved. LORELAI: She moved? SOOKIE: To Peru. LORELAI: When? SOOKIE: Yesterday, actually. LORELAI: Tall, skinny Margo? SOOKIE: Has an inner-ear problem. Frankly, I'm a little worried that she'll lose her balance holding the baby and fall in the water. And she's taaall, so that's a long way to fall. But, hey, look, if you don't want to do it or you don't want me to ask Rory, then I'll totally understand. I'm sure Jackson will understand, too, and Martha. (looks away in mock disappointment and sounds that way too) Hey, you got to do what you got to do. LORELAI: No, no, it's okay. Um, I'll do it. SOOKIE: You will? LORELAI: Of course I will. SOOKIE: Oh, thank you. (pats Lorelai?s knee gets off the couch and exits the room) It's gonna be a perfect day. (Lorelai doesn't look very pleased, or happy) (CUT to Lorelai's living room, morning. The bed is still there, and Lorelai is lying in bed, wide awake, with Luke as the alarm goes off. She quickly turns it off, gets out of bed and picks out two dresses from a clothes rack as Luke is starting to wake up. She walks over to the bed and holds them up for Luke to see) LORELAI: Which one goes better with a baby? LUKE: (sleepy) I like the green one. LORELAI: It's not too sheer? Because I'm gonna be in a church. LUKE: Looks good from here. LORELAI: Yeah, maybe. Man, she's good. She's really good. LUKE: Who? LORELAI: Sookie. LUKE: Ah! LORELAI: This whole baptism thing is just a ruse to get me and Rory together. She's played me! She's played me like a Stradivarius. LUKE: So, don't go, then. LORELAI: No! I got to go. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: Because she asked me to be a godmother. You don't say no to that. LUKE: Why? LORELAI: Look! I know what she's doing. And she knows what she's doing. But no one else knows what she's doing, so on the slight chance that she's not doing what I think she's doing, which is actually just doing what she wants to do, then I will be the jerk who wouldn't be the godmother to her best friend's baby 'cause she thought something was happening that wasn't. And that will be the story everyone remembers, understand? LUKE: I like the green dress. (Lorelai is frustrated) (CUT to pool house bedroom, morning. Rory is lying in bed, wide awake, with Logan as the alarm goes off. She quickly turns it off) LOGAN: (sleepy) Go back to sleep. RORY: I have to go to the baptism. LOGAN: Blow it off. RORY: I can't. LOGAN: You can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. Did we learn nothing from "Mad Hot Ballroom"? RORY: I have to go to Stars Hollow. (whiney) I have to see my mom. (covers her head with a pillow) LOGAN: One, two, cha cha cha. RORY: Uuugh, okay. (puts the pillow away) Nothing left to do but get up and face the music. (gets out of bed and walks over to her closet, picks out two dresses and holds them up for Logan to see) Which goes better with a baby? (CUT to Stars Hollow, morning. Rory drives up in her Prius. She parks the car get out and looks over the town wistfully. She looks at her watch and starts walking) (CUT to band's apartment, continuous. Zach is watching TV, Brian is reading something and Lane is reading the manual of the equipment the guys bought) ZACH: You're wasting your time, Lane. BRIAN: That manual's just a bunch of gobbledygook. ZACH: Got to be R2-D2 to understand that thing. LANE: No, you just have to spend more than six minutes trying to figure it out before giving up. ZACH: I can't believe there's a second C-span. (there is a knock on the door and Rory enters) RORY: Hi. LANE: (surprised) Rory! RORY: Hi. Am I interrupting anything? ZACH: Nah, there's nothing on. LANE: No, you're interrupting nothing. Come on in. RORY: (noticing the equipment) Wow, this looks very fancy. LANE: Yeah, it's pretty fancy, all right. Apparently is does everything except turn on. You look pretty fancy, too. RORY: Oh, I'm on my way over to Sookie's kids' baptism. I'm gonna be Davey's godmother. LANE: Very religious. My mother would be impressed. ZACH: Hey! Is it true you get to keep the baby if the parents die? RORY: I'm just doing it as a favour for Sookie. BRIAN: Godmother, huh? (imitating Marlon Brando) Did you make her an offer she couldn't refuse? ZACH: (impressed) Dude! You nailed that! BRIAN: Thanks. LANE: (to Rory) Come on. I need a break from the ADD boys. (nudges Zach on the head as they walk towards Lane's room) ZACH: Whoa! There's a third C-span! (CUT to Lane's bedroom, continuous. The girls walk in) RORY: Room looks the same. LANE: Yeah. RORY: How come there's a padlock on your dresser drawer? LANE: Uh, wild story. Here, sit. (they walk over to the bed and sit) RORY: So, you look great. Did you get a haircut? LANE: Yeah. Well, maybe a month ago. RORY: I like it. LANE: Thanks! You look good, too. I like the bangs. Very Marianne Faithfull. RORY: Thanks. I'm hoping Mick Jagger notices. (they giggle. They seem a bit uncomfortable) So, you went on tour!? LANE: Yeah, we did. RORY: And how was it? LANE: Great. RORY: Great. (after an uncomfortable beat) And, um...how are things in the Zach department? I mean, you two are still together, right? LANE: We are, and it's good. He's good. We're good. How many times can I use the word "good"? RORY: Have you guys...? LANE: No, no, no, we're still not having s*x. But I did tell Zach he could tell the guys we're doing it. It's a little more rock 'n' roll. RORY: You are a good girlfriend. LANE: So, how's Logan? RORY: Logan is... a constant surprise. I have trouble keeping up with him. He moves a mile a minute, gets bored in two seconds flat. He started flying those scary little planes that seem like they're made of papier-mache, which is thrilling, by the way. And, Logan's good. LANE: Wow! Is this serious? RORY: Seriously exciting. LANE: I love that. Is it hard with him still at Yale and you living with your grandparents? RORY: No, not really. It's been fine, actually. Taking time off has been great. It was absolutely the right decision for me. LANE: That's good. That's really good. RORY: Yeah, yeah... I just wish, that my mom could understand that. She's so... I doubt that she will talk to me again until I am back in a dorm room with a course catalogue on my lap, if then. I don't know. Maybe we'll never talk again. LANE: You two? Oh, please. RORY: We haven't talked in weeks. LANE: It'll blow over. RORY: She didn't tell me when she and Luke got engaged. LANE: Rory, look at me. You and your mom will talk again. This rift is just nature's attempt to find some equilibrium. You and Lorelai have gone too many years without fighting. So you had to have one big fight to make up for it. Now you've had it, and soon you'll make up and then this will all be just your lost weekend. RORY: I've missed you. LANE: I've missed you, too. (they hug) RORY: We can never go this long without talking again. LANE: Deal. RORY: I'll do anything. LANE: I'll raise carrier pigeons. RORY: I'll learn Morse code. LANE: I'll send you pigeons, and you can send me code. RORY: Okay. (looks at her watch) Oh, it's 10:30. I have fifteen minutes before I have to go. Now, I want to hear all about that tour. LANE: OK. Well let's start with the whole "three boys and no shower" thing. RORY: Oh, Lord! (CUT to outside of church, morning. The Church bells are ringing and we see the announcement for the baptism. Rory is walking towards the church and bumps into Kirk on her way in) RORY: You look nice today, Kirk. KIRK: Thanks! This is the suit they buried my dad in. RORY: ( a bit stunned) Oh, well...I think I'm gonna let that one go. KIRK: So, do you know which is the Davey side of church and which is the Martha? RORY: Oh, I don't think there are sides, Kirk. It's not like a wedding. I think we're all on both kids' sides. KIRK: I just didn't want to offend by taking a side if there are sides. I've had some contact with Davey, in passing. Couple of high-fives, one or two peekaboo sessions, but I haven't had much contact with Martha. She seems more reserved. Elusive. There's a bit of Garbo in her. (Kirk walks away, leaving Rory to look up at the Church door) (CUT to front of church doors, continuous. Lorelai and Sookie are chatting and chuckling. Jackson walks up to them clearly upset about something) JACKSON: (to Sookie) I just talked to my former mother, and, oh, you are going to love this. Guess who's getting baptized today? SOOKIE: Who? JACKSON: Me. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: No! SOOKIE: (very happy) Is it Christmas already? JACKSON: This isn't funny. SOOKIE: Uh Huh! LORELAI: You've never been baptized? JACKSON: Apparently on the day I was supposed to be baptized, I stuck a quarter up my nose and had to be taken to the hospital. And they never rescheduled. SOOKIE: Well, organizational skills were never your family's strong point. JACKSON: You know what? I have had it with my family! (Lorelai notices Rory walking towards them) I want you to march right over there and tell my mother you're divorcing me if I get baptized. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that will go over very well. JACKSON: Okay, fine. Then just say we're getting separated. I guess I better go find out what it means exactly for a grown man to get baptized. SOOKIE: (very excited) Oh, my God! Are you gonna wear a giant christening gown? JACKSON: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? SOOKIE: Ooh, you have no idea. (Jackson walks away, and Sookie notices Rory walking towards the church doors) Oh, Rory's here! LORELAI: Yeah, I see that. SOOKIE: Boy, that's a pretty dress she's wearing, don't you think? LORELAI: Sure. It'll go good with a baby. SOOKIE: Well, I better go check on the kids. (very rushed) Say "hi" to Rory for me if you see her first. (runs inside and away from Lorelai. Lorelai and Rory look a bit shocked and uncomfortable) REV.SKINNER: (to the girls) Oh, there you two are. Good. Do you have a minute? I was hoping we could have a quick chat in my office before the ceremony. RORY: Oh, well... LORELAI: Um, sure. REV.SKINNER: Wonderful. Right this way. (leads them inside) (CUT to Rev.Skinner's office, continuous. He is sitting behind his desk, while Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the other side) REV.SKINNER: So, I always like to take a few minutes before my baptisms to get to know the godparents a little bit. Of course I already know you two, but I just want to touch base and make sure you understand the obligations of what you're getting into here today. Now, basically, godparents are responsible for the spiritual upbringing of their godchildren. I certainly hope the parents throw their two cents in, but the godparents are vitally important figures in a child's life. So, tell me, what are your religious affiliations? LORELAI: Oh, well, Reverend, you've known us forever. REV.SKINNER: Well, yes, I have, and I still have no idea what your religious affiliations are. LORELAI: Oh... RORY: Well... LORELAI: We're a bit lapsed. REV.SKINNER: Yes. From...? LORELAI: Well, um...religion. But, you know, I can't speak for Rory, but I have a strong belief in good...you know...over evil. I mean, if I was asked to choose a side... RORY: I read "The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe". LORELAI: I have a bible. Although I may or may not have accidentally given it to goodwill, because I'm remodelling. But goodwill is a religious organization... I think. But even if it's not, good will. It's in the ballpark. RORY: I buy tons of girl-scout cookies. LORELAI: I have two "Mary is my homegirl" T-shirts. REV.SKINNER: Well, these are all very positive if somewhat irrelevant things. And it seems like your hearts are in the right place. RORY: Absolutely. LORELAI: Definitely. REV.SKINNER: And it says something good about you both that when a friend calls you up and asks a favour, you come through like this. LORELAI: (obviously having figured something out) Right, right. REV.SKINNER: Shall we? RORY: We shall. (Rory and Rev.Skinner get up and start exiting the office. Lorelai remains seated) (CUT to church main hall, continuous. Kirk enters the church and approaches a woman) KIRK: (to woman) So, are you a Davey or a Martha? Davey, I bet, right? He's much more accessible. He's the Dandy Warhols to Martha's Brian Jonestown massacre. (in the back Bo enters the church. He walks a bit and some coins start dropping all over the place) BEAU: Oh. Dang it. (starts picking up the coins. Lorelai, Rory and Rev.Skinner exit the office. Lorelai and Rory take the babies in their arms as Rev Skinner walk up to the podium) SOOKIE: Hey, Rory. You look so pretty. RORY: Hey, Sookie. SOOKIE: Oh, I want a picture of this. (Bo rushes to the front row and sits) REV.SKINNER: (speaking from the podium) Welcome, everybody. Jesus tells Nicodemus in the fourth gospel, "Unless one is born of water and spirit, one cannot enter the Kingdom of God". (Lorelai at Rory) Today we gather to honor three individuals as they dedicate themselves in the first sacrament of the faith and become members of the body of the church and the Kingdom of God. Here to bear witness and offer spiritual support are Lorelai Gilmore, godparent to Martha, Rory Gilmore, godparent to Davey, and, uh...Jackson? JACKSON: (to Rev.Skinner) Yo. REV.SKINNER: Acting as your godparent will be...? JACKSON: Oh, uh... my brother Bo, I guess. REV.SKINNER: And, uh, Bo Belleville will serve as sponsor and witness for Jackson. Will you come up here, please, Bo? (Bo gets up to join everyone else, and more coins drop) BEAU: Oh! Oh, bananas. REV.SKINNER: The candidates for baptism will now be presented. (walk way from the podium and approaches the group. Lorelai looks at Sookie suspiciously) We are honoured with the privilege of being here today to witness and support in faith the baptism of David Edward Belleville, Martha Janice-Lori-Ethan-Rupert-Glenda-Carson-Daisy-Danny Belleville, and Jackson Matthew Belleville. I hereby charge Lorelai Gilmore, Rory Gilmore, and Bo Belleville with the responsibility of seeing to the spiritual welfare of these children and this believer. (Lorelai looks from Sookie to Rory and seems a bit peeved) We will now begin a series of ceremonial questions. Lorelai Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? (Lorelai is distracted, looking at Sookie and doesn't answer. Rev.Skinner raised an eyebrow is shock and the audience starts murmuring) SOOKIE: (whispering) Lorelai! LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Why aren't you renouncing Satan? LORELAI: (confused) Huh? SOOKIE: He said, "Do you renounce Satan?", and you paused. That's not something you pause about. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, yes, I renounce Satan. REV.SKINNER: OK. Rory Gilmore, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? LORELAI: (whispering to Sookie) Did you call Rory? SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Did you call Rory on her cell phone and ask her to be a godmother? RORY: I renounce him. REV.SKINNER: Bo Belleville, do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God? RORY: (whispering to Lorelai and Sookie, overlapping Rev.Skinner) What are you whispering about? LORELAI: I'm just trying to get some information. RORY: What information? BEAU: Satan can kiss my ass. LORELAI: (whispering to Rory) How come Sookie had your phone number? RORY: What? LORELAI: She called you to ask you to be here, which means she must have had your phone number. REV.SKINNER: Excuse me. Ladies? LORELAI: I'm sorry, Reverend. Can you just give us a moment, please? (gestures to Rory to go outside. They walk towards the exit) (CUT to outside, continuous. Rory and Lorelai exit the church through the side door) RORY: What is wrong with you? LORELAI: Look, it's not like I really care, okay? It's not like I was gonna call you up to chitchat or make a date to go shoe shopping, or something. But, shouldn't a mother have a way to contact her daughter, at least in case of an emergency? I mean what if I was in an accident and I had to have a blood transfusion? You're the only person in the world with the same blood type. It would really help to have your phone number. RORY: We are holding up the service. LORELAI: I just think it's weird you would give Sookie your number and not me. RORY: I didn't give Sookie my new number. Sookie called Grandma, Grandma left me a note, and then I called Sookie back. And I didn't get a new number. I lost my phone. LORELAI: If you lose your phone, you should suspend your service until you get a new one. That way, you get to keep the same number. Ever hear of that? It's ridiculous to get an entirely new number. No one gets an entirely new number. RORY: Well, next time, I will suspend my service. (the door opens and Sookie appears) SOOKIE: Um...Hi, guys. We kind of need the kids back. LORELAI: OK. (Sookie takes Davey from Rory and goes back inside. Lorelai and Rory follow her) (CUT to outside, after baptism party, morning. There are tables filled with food. Jackson is holding up Martha and Davey and talking Rev.Skinner, while Sookie walks over to Lorelai) SOOKIE: Hey, godmother. LORELAI: Hi. So sorry, again, for the drama. SOOKIE: You always give me a good story to tell. LORELAI: Well, I aim to please. SOOKIE: You know, I have a little confession to make. LORELAI: Oh, yeah? SOOKIE: I kind of asked you and Rory to both be godmothers because I thought it might kind of bring you back together, patch things up. LORELAI: (mockingly) Well, blow me down. SOOKIE: Didn't fool you, huh? LORELAI: No, but the salads are excellent. SOOKIE: The salads are excellent! (Lorelai notices Bo who's calling her over in what he would think a suggestive manner) LORELAI: OK, that's it. (to Sookie) I'll be right back. (walks over to Bo) Hi, Bo. BEAU: Hey, darlin'. (licks his thumb and rubs in on Lorelai's sweater, then repeats licking his thumb and rubs it on his sleeve) What do you say we get out of these wet clothes? LORELAI: (disgusted) Listen, Bo. Uh, there's been a misunderstanding here. What Rune told you about me, it's not true. BEAU: Really? LORELAI: None of it. BEAU: Oh. LORELAI: Yeah! BEAU: So you don't have a kid? LORELAI: Uh, Well, no, I do have a kid. BEAU: But you didn't get knocked up when you were 16? LORELAI: Well, that part technically is true. BEAU: And he said you've never been married. That your single and dating around... LORELAI: Well, I've never been married exactly, but I'm engaged now. That's pretty steady. Very permanent. BEAU: He said you were engaged before. LORELAI: You know what? It's all true. OK, I'm a horn dog. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get some potato salad. BEAU: (in that falsely suggestive tone) Potato salad. I get it. LORELAI: OK. (walks away from Bo, as Rory comes up to her) RORY: So, I'm leaving. LORELAI: OK. Drive safe. RORY: Look, I know this is lame at this point, but you can have my new number if you want it. LORELAI: That's okay. I can call mom, and she can leave you a note. RORY: OK. LORELAI: OK. (they walk in opposite directions) (CUT to Rory's car, morning. As she's driving she picks up her phone and makes a call. Phone rings and we CUT to Yale classroom where Logan picks the phone up. The scene switches between Logan in class and Rory in the car) LOGAN: Hello? RORY: Hey. LOGAN: Hey! How was the baptism? RORY: Fine. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I'm not handling things particularly well these days. LOGAN: Yeah, I know what you mean. RORY: Logan, are you okay? LOGAN: I had a talk with my father the other day, and apparently I'm going to graduate this year. I'm going to get my act together and I'm gonna become a Huntzberger. RORY: What does that mean? LOGAN: I'm going to start attending shareholder meetings, letting the boys see my face around. It means my preordained life is kicking in. RORY: Oh, I'm sorry. LOGAN: Hey, always read the fine print on the family crest. RORY: You know, maybe you can talk to your dad and tell him how you feel. LOGAN: Hey, how far away are you from the airport? RORY: Why? LOGAN: Let's go to New York. RORY: What? LOGAN: New York, you and me, right now, by helicopter. RORY: A helicopter? You're kidding. LOGAN: We will spend the weekend at the Pierre. You don't have your community service till Monday, right? RORY: Yeah, but... LOGAN: Don't pack. We'll shop. Much more irresponsible. RORY: Um...Logan... LOGAN: I'll see you at the airport in 20 minutes, Ace. RORY: OK, I'll see you in 20 minutes. (she hangs up and continues driving) (CUT to Lorelai's living room, night. Lorelai is sitting on her bed with PA, a pizza and a bunch of junk food watching the Rosie O'Donnell movie. Lorelai looks very sad) ROSIE O'DONNELL (On TV): I think he's gonna take me for a ride in it. MAN (On TV): What about your boyfriend? What about Jesse? ROSIE O'DONNELL (On TV): Jesse's delicious. He's gonna take me today to get a new toilet seat because mine got broken and was sliding. I would fall off of it. I go, "whoa!" LORELAI: (very sad and disappointed) It's not the same. (takes a red vine and starts to eat it as she pets PA) ROSIE O?DONNELL (On TV): What, am I scaring you? Want me to scare you? Boo boo boo! MAN (On TV): Beth... END Of Episode 6.04 - Always A Godmother, Never A God

Missing Rory, Lorelai tries to call her and is upset to find that Rory's cell phone is no longer in service. Sookie asks Lorelai and Rory to be the godparents to her two children in the hope that they will reconcile when they see each other at the ceremony. However, mother and daughter end up fighting when Lorelai realizes that Rory gave her new cell number to Sookie but not to her. Logan learns that his father expects him to graduate this year and enter the family business. Wanting to break free from family pressures, Logan whisks Rory off to a weekend in New York.

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LUCAS (voiceover) : My name is Lucas Scott. Four years ago, I graduated from high school with my friends. Brooke Davis moved to New York City and found success... Peyton Sawyer went to Los Angeles. I wrote a novel and fell for my editor, Lindsey. Recently, we've come home. BROOKE : I missed you, P. Sawyer. LUCAS (voiceover) : Now Brooke's opening a local boutique for her fashion line. Peyton Sawyer is starting her own record label. My best friend Haley started teaching... QUENTIN : That is some fine ass. HALEY : Who said that? LUCAS (voiceover) : ...But it hasn't been easy. NATHAN : Hey, man. LUCAS (voiceover) : Nor has it been easy for her husband, Nathan, who in a moment of anger, watched his dreams of playing professional basketball vanish. HALEY : You have a beautiful son who is here! I am here! One more night like this, Nathan, and I promise you, you will have nothing! LUCAS (voiceover) : A lot has changed since high school... LUCAS : I still love you. LINDSEY : I love you, too, Lucas Scott. LUCAS (voiceover) : ...But in many ways, our journey is just beginning. LUCAS ' BEDROOM Lindsey is waking up. Lucas is at his desk LINDSEY : Wow. Did you write all night? LUCAS : Yeah. I guess I did. LINDSEY : The question is, how much of it survived the dreaded "delete" button? LUCAS : Almost all of it. LINDSEY : You must be ready to pass out. LUCAS : Actually, I'm not tired. I'm really energized. The words came to me. I haven't felt this inspired since... since my last book. LINDSEY : I'm glad. And it's a good thing you're energized. Because you have practice in like eight minutes. Off you go, coach. LUCAS : That was just mean. You're a mean person. You know that, yeah. NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM Nathan is trying to stand up and starts walking NATHAN : Haley, come look at this. Haley! CARRIE : Sorry, Haley's not here. She's at school. I'm Carrie, the new... NATHAN : The new nanny. I know. She told me. CARRIE : Okay, well, I'm gonna make breakfast. Do you want me to bring you some? NATHAN : No. I'm good. Thanks. PEYTON'S NEW OFFICE AT TRIC/ BROOKE'S NEW BOUTIQUE Peyton is on the phone with Brooke PEYTON : Hi. Guess where I am? BROOKE : You're feeling warm and fuzzy in your new office, while I'm stuck in incompetent construction worker hell? I mean, it's like they're in slow motion. PEYTON : You know... Complain all you want, but I think you're having fun. Admit it. BROOKE : I'll admit that I'm enjoying doing something on my own... on my own for once. I can't wait to see Victoria's face when she sees... Speak of the devil. She's on the other line. Of course. PEYTON : Well, good thing you're already in hell. Call me later. BROOKE : Okay. (Brooke's taking Victoria's call) BROOKE : I was just about to call you. VICTORIA : No, you weren't. Why haven't I received your flight itinerary? BROOKE : Because I've decided to stay in Tree Hill a few extra days. We're opening a new store. VICTORIA : I didn't approve a Tree Hill location. BROOKE : Well.. VICTORIA : That doesn't even make sense. Brooke Davis, you are jeopardizing this company. You're the face of the brand, and your absence can cause irreparable harm. Now, what the hell has gotten into you?! BROOKE : Home. VICTORIA : Are you doing drugs? Because if you are, it's okay. I can spin this in a good way. BROOKE : I have to go. VICTORIA : Brooke. Brooke! (Brooke hang up, she's just seen a part a the wall that a guy was about to throw away with a quote on it) BROOKE : Excuse me. We're gonna keep this. This belongs here. (The quote says "Somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe") INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan comes into the kitchen, Carrie is already there CARRIE : Did you just walk down the stairs? NATHAN : If by "walking," you mean "falling." CARRIE : You didn't have to come down. I told you I'd bring you some breakfast. NATHAN : What is that? CARRIE : Bacon and eggs. Yes, it's rearranged into a smiley face. I do that sometimes. I'm an optimist. NATHAN : Whatever. Listen, I need you to give me a ride somewhere. Do nannies do that? CARRIE : Sure. I don't have to pick up Jamie for a few hours. Just... let me get your crutches. And no more falling. INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM Lucas and Skills are taking care of the practice. Haley walks in SKILLS : Hey, pick it up, blue! Let's go! HALEY : Hey, coach, you got a sec? LUCAS : That depends... are you gonna be one of those teachers constantly complaining about my players' grades? HALEY : If your players are failing, you bet your ass I will. LUCAS : Fair enough. Grades are the least of this team's worries. SKILLS : Oh, my God! Can't be serious. LUCAS : How's Quentin? Is he still disrupting your class? HALEY : Actually, no. Quentin has not been in class all week, and I think it's because he got kicked off the team. LUCAS : You can't save 'em all, Hales... Oh God! HALEY : I think your team looks really good. LUCAS : The J.V. is the team in white. In the blue... yeah, those are mine. We're a work in progress. HALEY : Awkward. I'm gonna go to class now. I'll see you later. LUCAS : Haley, how's my little brother doing? HALEY : He's a work in progress. LUCAS : Finish! MOUTH'S OFFICE MOUTH : Excuse me. I found my demo in the trash. ALICE : Perhaps you should have left it there. MOUTH : I don't think so. ALICE : Excuse me? What did you just say? MOUTH : Look, maybe I'm not right for the job, okay? But my audition demo doesn't belong in the trash. I worked really hard on it. ALICE : You're right. That was a mistake... and I'm sorry. I meant to put it in the recycling bin. (Skills arrives and yells from the other side of the hallway) SKILLS : Yo, Mouth! It's early lunch thursday! ALICE : Friends at work... half a strike at least. SKILLS : Thanks. Nice timing, by the way. OUTSIDE PRISON Nathan came visiting his father DAN : Hello, Nathan. It's good to see you, Nathan. Been a long time. NATHAN : 4 years. DAN : 4 years, 15 weeks, 2 days. Counting the days is kind of a popular hobby around here... that and ceramics. Tell me about the accident. NATHAN : It was a moment of anger. I had a chance to walk away, and I didn't do it. And now my punishment is... I get to regret it every day for the rest of my life. DAN : Join the club. My biggest regret's not being able to watch my grandson grow up, losing my family... those are things you still have. How is my grandson? He must be getting big by now. You got a picture of him? NATHAN : I'm not here to talk about Jamie. DAN : I understand. I just always wondered if he knows who I am. NATHAN : He found a picture of you once. We told him that you were his grandfather. He asked where you were. DAN : What'd you tell him? NATHAN : We told him you were dead. LUCAS' OFFICE AT TREE HILL HIGH Lucas walks in the office, Haley is there LUCAS : Can I help you with something? HALEY : Hi. Sorry. No, I just thought I would lounge here while I'm on my break. LUCAS : You know, they do have a teacher's lounge for that, right? HALEY : Oh, Luke, it's so creepy in there. They're all acting like they're still my teachers. I feel like I'm being graded. LUCAS : You too, huh? HALEY : Yeah. So, I hear you rented out your office space at Tric to Peyton. Lindsey okay with that? LUCAS : Yeah, why not? HALEY : I don't know. Maybe because Peyton's not just another ex-girlfriend and everybody knows that. LUCAS : Haley, I'm just helping out an old friend, okay? That's all. Besides, you know, Lindsey's not really the jealous type. HALEY : Good answer, because I'm having lunch with her in a few minutes. LUCAS : So, this was just a sneak attack? You're just gathering information? HALEY : Yeah, pretty much. LUCAS : How did I not see this coming? HALEY : Because you're a guy, Luke, and guys are... so predictable. RIVERCOURT Skills and Mouth are having lunch SKILLS : Girls are so predictable. MOUTH : She's not a girl... she's a woman. SKILLS : She is a cougar. MOUTH : Whatever she is, she hates me, and it's getting worse every day. SKILLS : That's called "sexual tension," dog. MOUTH : You need to stay off the internet. SKILLS : No, I'm serious. Look, last year, I had this professor, right? She kept on riding me all semester, dog, and not in a good way. But one day, she started bitching at me after class. I planted one on her. MOUTH : You did not. There's no way you did that. SKILLS : That's not all I did. I'm telling you, hook it up. MOUTH : You have finally lost touch with reality. Oh, and by the way, next time you decide to stop by my work, try not to yell out "early lunch thursday!" SKILLS : Okay. I'm telling you, I think you're gonna miss out on some hot cougar love. TERRACE OF A RESTAURANT Lindsey and Haley arrive for their lunch LINDSEY : Remember the first time you invited me to lunch here? HALEY : Oh, thank you. LINDSEY : Said you wanted to get to know me better, but I knew right away, you were sizing me up. HALEY : Oh, I was not. LINDSEY : Haley, you asked me to bring photocopy of my driver's license. HALEY : I was just checking to make sure you were good enough for my best friend. Lucas had been through a lot lately, you know? LINDSEY : Lucas tell you he wrote all night? LUCAS : No, I thought he's been blocked. LINDSEY : Guess he got inspired. HALEY : Oh, that's good. Isn't it? LINDSEY : Yeah. Yeah, as his editor, I'm thrilled, obviously, but as his girlfriend, I can't help but notice the timing. HALEY : Oh, you're talking about Peyton coming back? LINDSEY : I sound like a jealous girlfriend. HALEY : No, you don't. LINDSEY : Thank you. HALEY : Look, I know Lucas better than anyone does. I'm telling you, he's very much in love with you. LINDSEY : Thanks, Haley. HALEY : Okay, now I need you to tell me that I'm not totally insane for hiring a hot nanny. JAMIE'S BEDROOM CARRIE : Wow. I'm pretty sure you have more toys than any other kid on the planet. JAMIE : You can play with them. I don't mind. CARRIE : Thanks. JAMIE : Daddy doesn't like it when I play basketball. CARRIE : Why not? JAMIE : Can you keep a secret? CARRIE : I'm the best at keeping secrets. JAMIE : Okay, but no telling. CARRIE : Okay. (Jamie shows Carrie what he has inside his closet, but we don't see it) INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM The team is having fun. Lucas and Skills walk in SKILLS : Hey, yeah. It's good to see everybody working on their dunks, considering most of you can't even make a free throw. LUCAS : You guys lost 8 games last year by 3 points or less... 8. Now, does anyone know how many games you won by 3 points or less? SKILLS : I do. Zero. LUCAS : Oh, that's right... none. Now, maybe, if you guys could've hit a few free throws, maybe you could've made the Playoffs. So, this is how we're gonna start... fundamentals. SKILLS : See this spot? We're gonna start practice every day from this line right here. And any player who can't knock down three straight free throws in a row is gonna run... all day. LUCAS : Who wants to prove me wrong? (One player tries and don't make the shot) SKILLS : Go ahead and start running, superstar. Hey, and don't be high-fiving nobody, either. LUCAS : Who's next? MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth comes back from lunch ALICE : You're late. MOUTH : It's 1:00. ALICE : No, it was 1:00 30 seconds ago, which makes you late... another strike. MOUTH : Why do you hate me so much? ALICE : Why? You know, we gave you a fantastic opportunity here, but it's so obvious to me that you think you are above the work. You don't want to pay your dues. You come in late. You pass around your worthless audition demo. Somehow, I'm a bitch because I've decided that you haven't earned it yet. You know what? Why don't you just face the reality of the situation? You are wasting your time here. You are irrelevant, you are annoying... (Mouth kiss Alice) ALICE : And now you're fired. OUTSIDE PRISON DAN : I know it wasn't easy for you, coming here. It means a lot to me. NATHAN : I didn't come here for you. You know, as long as I can remember, you taught me that basketball was the most important thing in the world. So when I lost it, I thought my life was over. DAN : Only trying to give you the tools you need to succeed. NATHAN : Yeah, and those tools ended up preventing me from succeeding. "Don't ever back down." "Second place is the first loser." Do you remember that? DAN : Don't expect me to apologize for teaching you to play a game that you love, that you chose. NATHAN : A game that nearly destroyed my family. It's not worth it, and my family's all I have now. That's why I'll never let my son play. Basketball's taken enough. DAN : You're not on those crutches 'cause I handed you a basketball when you were 3. And trust me... you not letting your son play is just as bad as you making him play. And that's why you're here... to blame me for what happened to you. NATHAN : No. I've been sitting at home for four months blaming you, and now I'm done. It's time to move on. I'm letting go of the anger, and I'm letting go of you. I just had to look you in the eye when I told you that. I won't be back. DAN : Don't you see, Nathan? The strength you need to let go of it, to leave your old man behind... that's what I taught you. NATHAN : Lesson learned. DAN : I love you, son. PEYTON'S NEW OFFICE AT TRIC Peyton is arranging her stuff, Lindsey arrives LINDSEY : Wow. This is officially the coolest office I've ever been in. PEYTON : Yeah. Now I just need to sign a couple bands and prove to myself it wasn't all a big mistake. LINDSEY : From what I've heard about you, I don't think that's gonna be a problem. PEYTON : I hope you're right. LINDSEY : Oh, this is for you. (Lindsey gives her a bamboo) LINDSEY : It's supposed to bring good luck. It's a lucky bamboo. They don't need much sunlight. Just make sure you water it every day. PEYTON : I will. Thank you. LINDSEY : Well, I hope it all works out. I know we just met, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here. PEYTON : Good to know. LINDSEY : Bye, Peyton. INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM Skills is still in the gym with the team. All players are running. Lucas walks in LUCAS : Are you telling me not one of them made their free throws? SKILLS : Let's just put it this way... we could have built a new gym with all them bricks. You know they're counting on us to turn this thing around, right? This season. LUCAS : They'll get better. SKILLS : Yeah? If they don't, maybe we can start a track team. Come on! Keep going! Run, run, run! Pick it up! [SCENE_BREAK] INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Carrie is in the living room, Nathan arrives CARRIE : Hey, how'd you get home? NATHAN : Took a cab. CARRIE : You took an hour-long cab ride? That must have cost a fortune. I would have picked you up. NATHAN : No, don't worry about it. I get the handicap discount. CARRIE : You'd think, in this town, they'd have a state championship discount. I went to Pontiac. You beat us in the championship game. I cried for a week. NATHAN : Sorry. CARRIE : So, how does it feel to be a hometown hero? NATHAN : I'm not that guy anymore, all right? Trust me... I'm nobody's hero. CARRIE : You sure about that? Carrie brings Nathan in Jamie's room, who's sleeping. She shows him his closet CARRIE : Looks like you're somebody's hero. (We see one of Nathan's trophy, some newspaper pages and a drawing) BROOKE'S NEW CLOTHES OVER BROS BOUTIQUE Lucas walks in LUCAS : I promised my mom I'd send her a photo once you got finished destroying her café. BROOKE : Okay, that's not fair. I hated doing it. But I kept the sign. (Brooke shows him the quote) LUCAS : I'll make sure I mention it in my e-mail. So, what made you want to open up a shop here in Tree Hill? BROOKE : Same reason you're coaching the Ravens. It's home. And it's good to be home. What do you think? LUCAS : I got to be honest... I think it's the perfect way to continue the legacy of Karen's Café. I'm just amazed at how quickly you got this place together. You're very impressive, Brooke Davis. BROOKE : Yeah, that's what they tell me. LUCAS : So, is it everything you imagined? Having your own fashion line? BROOKE : Today it is. Ask me again tomorrow. PEYTON'S NEW OFFICE AT TRIC Peyton is still arranging her stuff. Haley arrives HALEY : Hey, so this is it, huh? You're doing it. PEYTON : Yeah, hopefully, it's just the beginning. HALEY : Wow, I can say I was here when it all started. Maybe I should steal something to commemorate the occasion. PEYTON : Well, if there's no stopping you... (Peyton shows Haley Lindsey's gift) HALEY : Oh... Bamboo. PEYTON : Lucky bamboo. It was from Lindsey. HALEY : Lucas' Lindsey? PEYTON : Is that her nickname or something? HALEY : This is actually really nice of her. PEYTON : Suspiciously nice. HALEY : Oh, stop it. Keep this. PEYTON : It really did just feel like she was coming over here to mark her territory. And then she said, "I just wanted you to know I'm here." HALEY : So she was letting you know that, if you need anything, she's here to help. PEYTON : She was letting me know she's not going anywhere. HALEY : I got to be honest with you. That just really doesn't sound like her, but, I mean, even if she is doing that and marking her territory, what difference does it make? It's not like you came back to town for Lucas, right? PEYTON : No. I did not come back here for Lucas... I came back here for me. HALEY : Good. That's what I thought. (Music in the background) HALEY : So, who's this band? Peyton and Haley walk in the other room where a band is performing PEYTON : Great sound check. HALEY : Yeah, really great. PEYTON : They're local... and they're unsigned. HALEY : You can tell that just by looking at them? PEYTON : Well, four years in L.A. at least gave me that. INTERIOR OF A HOUSE Brooke is visiting the house with the owner WOMAN : Well, what do you think? BROOKE : I love the house, especially the furniture. I love the coffee table. WOMAN : We found that in Greece two summers ago. BROOKE : I want it. WOMAN : You... want the coffee table? BROOKE : I want everything... the house, the furniture, and if you can be gone in an hour, I'll throw in an extra $30,000. WOMAN : Enjoy your new house! (The woman takes her cat and then looks at Brooke) WOMAN : You didn't want Beasley, did you? BROOKE : No. You can keep Beasley. WOMAN : There's a roast in the oven. BROOKE : I love roast. Bye. RIVERCOURT, NIGHT Quentin is playing alone, Haley comes to see him QUENTIN : You must be lost. HALEY : No, actually, I've spent more time on this court than you ever will. I want you to come back to school. QUENTIN : Ain't nothing left for me up there. HALEY : "Isn't anything left." And there's more to life than basketball, Quentin. I mean, you... you got to graduate. QUENTIN : What's it matter to you? HALEY : Listen to me. Half the kids that drop out of high school have no job, and the ones that do earn a job earn 25% less than the kids that stayed in school and 63% less than the ones that graduated college. So, for me, it doesn't matter, but for you, Quentin, it matters a lot. I'm not kidding. QUENTIN : Or maybe you're just hot for me, Mrs. James-Scott. HALEY : All right, I tried. (Haley leaves) PEYTON'S NEW OFFICE AT TRIC The leader of the band comes to see Peyton PEYTON : Thank you for meeting with me. JASON : What is this about? PEYTON : Well, I think you guys are really great. JASON : Look, I'm kind of tired, so if this is just some fan-club crap... PEYTON : Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry. Please, sit down. I own my own record label, and I would really love to sign you guys. JASON : Why should we sign with you? PEYTON : Well, I was in L.A. for the last four years working at a major label, but I decided to leave because I thought I could do better on my own. And when I hear bands like yours, I know I can. The majors are a mess right now, and so, if you sign with me, I'm gonna do everything I can to make sure you guys get to be where you want to be. JASON : So, what other bands do you have? PEYTON : As of right now? I mean, there's nobody yet. I wanted you guys to be my first. JASON : Look, my ex-girlfriend told me the same thing prom night. She was a lying bitch. We're gonna pass, but thanks. PEYTON : Lucky bamboo. (Peyton takes the bamboo and put it in the trash) LUCAS' HOUSE Lindsey is in the kitchen, Peyton walks in LINDSEY : Peyton. Hi. You just missed Lucas. PEYTON : Actually, I came by to see you. LINDSEY : Great. What's up? PEYTON : Why did you bring me that lucky bamboo? LINDSEY : Well, I just wa... PEYTON : No, I'll tell you why. You were marking your territory, and that's okay. I get it. But for the record, I am not after Lucas, okay? LINDSEY : I didn't think you were. PEYTON : Then, what do you want? 'Cause, seriously, people are just not that nice. LINDSEY : Peyton, my whole life, I wanted to be an editor, so when I made it, a friend of mine gave me a lucky bamboo for my office. Now, I'm not naive enough to think that I found my way because of some plant on my desk, but that plant was a symbol that I had finally made it. That's all I was trying to give you... a reminder of the first day you started living your dream. It's good to know you're not after Lucas. (Lindsey is holding the door for Peyton to leave) LINDSEY : Good luck. INTERIOR TREE HILL GYM Skills is looking inside of the gym from the doorway, Lucas joins him The players are making their free throws SKILLS : Man, you ain't gonna believe this. I guess they got tired of running. LUCAS : Or they just got tired of losing. SKILLS : Nice work, coach. LUCAS : You too, coach. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan is exercising, Carrie walks in CARRIE : How's the physical therapy going? NATHAN : It hurts. CARRIE : Good. No pain, no gain. NATHAN : You sound like my dad. CARRIE : Sorry. I used to be a personal trainer. I am full of motivational catch phrases. That's who you were visiting yesterday at the prison... it was your dad, right? NATHAN : I'd rather not talk about it. CARRIE : Does Haley know you went to see him? NATHAN : No, she doesn't. And I'd like to keep it that way. CARRIE : I'm not here to meddle. Unless I'm invited in, I mind my own business. But if she asks me, I won't lie. NATHAN : That's fair. And listen, it's good that you're here. I've pretty much been a jackass for the past few months, and Haley deserves better. I know it's been really hard on her. CARRIE : You know, if you want to do something nice for Haley, you might want to try investing in a razor. INTERIOR TRIC Peyton walks in to talk to the band PEYTON : So, maybe I don't have any other bands. There's something my label has that the others don't... me. And I have a lot of experience, more than you'd think. And the other thing that I have that none of the other labels have is an interest in you guys. I can have you in a recording studio tomorrow. So if it is really about the music, you might want to reconsider. Have a good show. MOUTH'S OFFICE Mouth walks into Alice's office MOUTH : Before I go, I need to say something. ALICE : Of course you do. You're like a bug that can't be squashed. MOUTH : You never gave me a chance. You hated me from the start because of how I look. It's always about how people look. I mean, take you. You dress all uptight, hiding your hot body behind your cold personality. But at the end of the day, you know you got it. You know, go hire your hot anchor and hang out with your hot friends and be hot, but you'll never know what you're missing, 'cause I'm good at what I do, and I'm gonna prove you wrong. (Mouth starts to leave but Alice stops him and kiss him) ALICE : That was kind of hot. MOUTH : Yeah. (They kiss again) GARAGE OF NATHAN AND HALEY Haley arrives in her car and stays inside for a while. Carrie comes to see her CARRIE : Tough day? HALEY : Yeah. I can't remember the last one that wasn't. I just think I'm realizing that I can't help everybody, and I still somehow feel responsible. I don't know why I keep trying. Maybe I'm avoiding this... you know, coming home. That's such a terrible thing to say, I know. It hasn't been easy. CARRIE : Well, you should go inside. There's someone waiting to see you. HALEY : Jamie... he's such a good boy, isn't he? CARRIE : Bye. HALEY : Bye. Thank you. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley arrives HALEY : Jamie. Where'd you go, Jimjams? (Haley walks into the dining room, the table is set. Jamie and Nathan, who's shaved, are waiting for her) HALEY : What is this? NATHAN : It's the beginning. HALEY : Of what? NATHAN : Of the way it's gonna be from now on. I know that it's gonna take a lot more than dinner... but I figured it's a start, right? HALEY : I've missed you. HALEY : So, how was your day? NATHAN : Oh, enough about me. How was your day? JAMIE : Yeah, how was your day, mama? HALEY : Oh, my day just got a lot better. Well, I'm starving. Let's eat. NATHAN : Lets' eat. Give me that plate. Well, I can't vouch for any of this, because Jamie made it all. HALEY : Oh, no. NATHAN : I just watched BROOKE'S NEW CLOTHES OVER BROS BOUTIQUE Peyton walks in PEYTON : Brooke, this place looks great. Think, if I can't sign any bands soon, maybe I can get a job here? BROOKE : I'm sorry, darling, you're not nearly bitchy enough to work in one of my stores. PEYTON : Oh, I don't know about that. I have references. Just ask Lindsey. BROOKE : Lucas' Lindsey? PEYTON : Does everyone call her that? BROOKE : Were you mean to her? PEYTON : No, she was marking her territory, and I just called her on it. She thinks I'm after Lucas. BROOKE : She said that? PEYTON : She didn't have to... it was obvious. She showed up with this, like, bad-luck bamboo thing and a story about how it was, like, a symbol of my dream, but I'm pretty sure it was just to guilt-trip me. BROOKE : Peyton... PEYTON : And then... get this... she says to me, "I just want you to know, I'm here." What is that?! I mean, you're opening up your own store, and does she bring you a lucky bamboo? (Brooke shows Peyton hers) PEYTON : I'm such a bitch. BROOKE : Look on the bright side... now I'd hire you to work in one of my stores in a second. PEYTON : No, really, I suck. BROOKE : Yeah, you do. Matter of fact, it's a wonder that you have any friends at all, but you do. Come with me. INTERIOR NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley and Nathan are sitting on the couch, talking HALEY : So, the entire class stands up, and I said, "any student that walks out that door fails this quarter." NATHAN : You didn't say that. HALEY : I totally did. NATHAN : You're, like... you're, like, the mean teacher. That's kind of hot. (Jamie join his parents) HALEY : Well, well, don't you think it's a little past your bedtime, mister? JAMIE : I think so. NATHAN : Hey, I'll tell you what... since it's a special occasion, I think we should stay up a little later tonight, unless you're too tired. JAMIE : No, I'm not tired! HALEY : Okay. Come here. NATHAN : I was thinking maybe we could go outside and shoot around with this thing. Is that something you'd like to do with me? JAMIE : I don't know. NATHAN : Yeah. I don't really know, either. JAMIE : No, no, no! Play! NATHAN : All right, well, let's see if you're ready. Show me your jump shot. Nice! Nice arc. Use that follow-through. There you go. BROOKE'S NEW HOUSE Brooke is covering Peyton's eyes while they enter the house BROOKE : Surprise. PEYTON : You rented a house? BROOKE : Well, not exactly. PEYTON : Brooke, you did not just buy this house. What are you thinking?! BROOKE : What... you don't like it? PEYTON : No, it's incredible! BROOKE : Good, 'cause that's your room. PEYTON : Oh, my God! INTERIOR PRISON GUARD (to Dan) : Your son left this for you earlier. (He gave Dan an envelope. There is a picture of Jamie inside) OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is playing with his ball NATHAN : Try one more time. Beautiful. That was awesome. You'll be doing that on 10-foot baskets someday. (Haley is watching from a far) NATHAN : All right, let's see some more. Nice! PEYTON'S OFFICE AT TRIC Jason walks in JASON : So, we're gonna give you a chance. Don't let us down. PEYTON : I won't. (Peyton is taking her bamboo from the trash and put it in her desk) LUCAS' BEDROOM Lucas is working, Lindsey walks in LINDSEY : I've been putting on a brave face for a few weeks now. You have these two gorgeous ex-girlfriends back in town, and I'm trying so hard to be okay with it, but I have to ask you a question, and I promise, I'll never ask it again. Should I be worried about us? LUCAS : Lindsey... I love you. That is never gonna change. You have nothing to worry about. TERRACE OF BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke and Peyton are sitting, watching the sunrise PEYTON : Hey, you know what? I just thought of something. What if Lucas' Lindsey gave you a lucky bamboo because she was marking her territory with you, too? BROOKE : Let it go. PEYTON : I'm calling her "Lucas' Lindsey" now. God. BROOKE : Yeah... PEYTON : Look at the view. Look, this place is beautiful, but... BROOKE : But? PEYTON : I just worry I'm keeping you from your life. I know you came down here for me. BROOKE : You know, in New York, I had everything I thought I wanted... money, celebrity, success. But you know what I didn't have? Sunrise with my best friend. (Victoria just walks in) VICTORIA : Well, isn't that sweet? BROOKE : What are you doing here? VICTORIA : When you stupidly charge a house to the company, we have to confirm the address. Vacation's over. It's time to get back to work. BROOKE : Forget it. I'm staying here. VICTORIA : Stop being a spoiled brat. There's a flight in a few hours. I will be on it, and you will be sitting next to me. BROOKE : No, I'm not going back. VICTORIA : Brooke. BROOKE : Mother. VICTORIA : I'll see you on the plane, my dutiful daughter. Goodbye, Peyton. PEYTON : Goodbye, Mrs. Davis. (Victoria leaves) PEYTON : Well, your mom's still a bitch. What are you gonna do?

Lindsay fears that Peyton might threaten her relationship with Lucas. Nathan visits Dan in prison and gives him a picture of Jamie. Haley tries to get a student, Quentin, back in school. Brooke opens her store "Clothes Over Bros". in Karen's Cafe. Peyton signs her first band on her new label.[7] This episode is named after a song by My Chemical Romance .

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fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x22_0

FLASH IN: [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [INT. CAR (MOVING) -- NIGHT (A man drives a red Ferrari down the road, a beautiful blonde in the seat next to him. He throws his head back, laughing with exuberance.) (The blonde kisses the man as he guns the engine.) (The blonde runs her hand slowly up his thigh. The man smiles at her, then shifts the car into gear and takes off down the road.) FLASH TO: [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. HOTEL LOBBY - NIGHT] (The man drives the red Ferrari to the drive. The valet opens the passenger door and helps the blonde-haired woman out of the car. The man tosses the keys to the valet and tips him a $100.) (The blonde smiles at the man. She takes his hand and they head into the casino.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - NIGHT] (The blonde and the man dance. They kiss on the floor.) [INT. CLUB - HALLWAY - NIGHT] (The blonde and the man are kissing in the back hallway.) (Getting carried away, she pulls him into the women's bathroom. They continue kissing. She reaches out and shuts the door closed.) THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT: [EXT. PARKING - NIGHT] (Grissom and Catherine walk over to the dead body. Brass stands nearby as David works on it.) Brass: A truck driver making a delivery found him. Catherine: TOD? David Phillips: About two or three hours ago. (Grissom notes the bruise on the dead body's neck.) Grissom: Neck contusion. (Catherine notices the scrapes on the body's right hand knuckles.) Catherine: Looks like he went down fighting. Grissom: Any ID? David Phillips: Just this. (David hands Grissom a room key.) Grissom: Palermo room key. Catherine: Nice clothes. Brass: Well, they do make the man. (Grissom notices the white stain on the man's pants.) Grissom: He's got some kind of transfer on his pants. (Catherine fines more white stuff on the man's shirt.) Catherine: Yeah, and on his shirt. So what's a guy dressed for a party with a key to this hotel doing out here? Grissom: I don't know. But the party's over. SMASH CUT TO: END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOTEL LOADING DOCK -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Catherine process the crime scene. Catherine is up on the docking area when she finds white smudge on the concrete.) Catherine: Got smudges that look like white paint up here. Similar to the trace on the vic's clothes. (Grissom is down on the parking area.) Grissom: Same down here. So whatever it is, it must have been wet. (Grissom snaps a photo of the white paint smudge next to evidence marker #1.) (Catherine walks over to the white paint smudge on the docking concrete area and puts evidence marker #3.) Catherine: I don't see any wet paint signs up here either. (Looking for the source of the white paint smudges, she turns and looks inside the hotel area.) [INT. PALERMO - BACK ENTRY CORRIDOR - NIGHT] (She walks through the white-walled hallway and touches it. The walls are still wet with paint.) (She looks at the wall and sees the place on the wall where the paint has been smudged. She snaps photos of it.) (At the end of the corridor are double doors leading into the hotel. Catherine slings the camera over her shoulder and heads for the doors.) (Catherine enters the hotel lobby through one of the side doors.) [INT. PALERMO - LOBBY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Catherine looks around the area, noting where she is.) Overhead: Two performances nightly of Palermo's fabulous show, "The Girls of India." Now on display at Palermo Jewelers -- diamonds at Romanoff's. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PALERMO - FRONT DESK -- NIGHT] (The manager swipes the card key in the machine. The monitor shows the room: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PALERMO - ELEVATOR -- NIGHT] (The elevator doors open. The manager steps out; Catherine and Nick follow.) Manager: The room is registered to a Jeffrey Powell of Van Nuys, California. Catherine: He check in with anybody? Manager: No. The reservation was for one person. He checked in yesterday, paid with a corporate credit card. Nick: Do you remember the name of the company? (The manager unlocks the room door and pushes it open.) Manager: Sheritown Inc. (Catherine enters the room and starts taking photos. Nick turns to the manager.) Nick: Sheritown Inc. We're going to need access to all of the surveillance footage from tonight, all right? Manager: You got it. Nick: Okay. (The manager leaves. Nick turns and enters the room.) [INT. PALERMO - JEFF'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS] (The room is a mess. Catherine snaps photos as Nick looks around. The bed is rumpled and messed up. The nearby table has empty dinnerware, two champagne bottles and two used glasses.) Nick: Two glasses. Think our vic got lucky? (Nick puts on his gloves.) Catherine: Oh, yeah. (Catherine leans forward and snaps a photo of some hair strands on the bed.) Catherine: He got lucky, all right. He got lucky with a blonde. (She picks up the hair and reaches for a bindle. Nick notices the clothes tossed on the ottoman.) Nick: Jeans ... full of holes. Must've been wearing them a long time. Catherine: Either that or he just bought them and paid a fortune. (Nick moves the clothes aside and finds a book on BLACKJACK.) Nick: I remember my first time to Vegas. I got one of these - "Guide to Blackjack". Everybody dreams of hitting it big out here, don't they? (Nick tosses the book back on the other clothes and things.) Catherine: Yeah, well, if that ever ends you can kiss Vegas good-bye. (Nick opens the bedside table drawer and finds a packet of a white powdery substance.) Nick: We have a winner. (He picks it up and shows it to Catherine, who is looking through the jacket pockets.) Catherine: Jackpot. (She looks at the jacket label.) Catherine: Ooh, Sasan. Cost him more than all of his other clothes put together. (She notices the blue discoloration on the jacket.) Catherine: There's some kind of blue powder trace on the pocket. Nicky, take this. (She tosses Jeffrey Powell's wallet to Nick. He opens it.) Nick: California driver's license. (The information on the CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE reads: JEFFREY POWELL 623 VAN NESS AVE. LOS ANGELES, CA 90028 s*x: M HAIR: BLK EYES BRN HT: 5-8 WT: 155 Nick: Company credit card. (The CORPORATE GOLD credit card with the VISA logo, #7002 0511 2837 3301.) Nick: Amateur Speedway Association card. (The Amateur Speedway Association card expires 1999.) Nick: Guy liked fast cars. (Catherine finds car keys on the bedside table.) Catherine: Except he was driving a Toyota. Nick: No cash. This sounds like a classic trick roll. (Quick flash to: [INT. CASINO - NIGHT] Jeffrey Powell is at the gaming tables and winning.) Nick: (V.O.) Kid from of town on a lucky streak-- Jeffrey Powell: I cannot lose tonight! (On the side, a blonde-haired woman watches him.) Nick: (V.O.) He's an easy mark. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. ROOM - NIGHT] (Jeffrey Powell is undressing the blonde-haired woman. They're kissing.) Nick: (V.O.) Get him up to the room ... (The blonde-haired woman pours champagne directly into Jeff Powell's mouth.) Nick: (V.O.) loosen him up ... (End of flash. Resume to present.) Nick: ... jump him and dump him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY ] (Warrick snaps photos of the body on the table. David Phillips starts removing the clothes off the body. He pulls off the pants and sees the stain on the victim's underwear, a purple-ish discoloration on the front.) David Phillips: Mom was right -- always wear clean ones. Because you never know what could happen. What do you think that is? Warrick: Why don't you take a whiff? David Phillips: Why am I always the guy who has to sniff the shorts? Warrick: 'Cause it's your job. (David looks at Warrick.) David Phillips: You do it. (Warrick puts his camera down and leans forward a little. He smells.) Warrick: Red wine. (David smiles. Warrick checks the victim's pants and finds there's no stain.) Warrick: It's not on his pants. What about the shirt? David Phillips: No. Warrick: So he must have changed after the mess. (Warrick checks the pants pockets.) David Phillips: Oh, I already went through his pockets. (Warrick takes out a slip of paper: INSPECTED BY #17.) David Phillips: Of course, I was double-gloved. Warrick: Clothes are brand new. (David looks at the victim's hands and finds a callus on the skin between his thumb and index finger.) David Phillips: Hmm ... Warrick: Looks like a callus. (David holds a ruler next to the victim's hand as Warrick snaps photos of it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [SECURITY VIDEO MONITOR] (The security video for ELEVATOR CAM 2 at 10:52 shows Jeffrey Powell in the elevator with a tall blonde.) Nick: (o.s.) There's a long-haired blonde. (Camera cuts wide and we find we're in the ... [INT. CSI - A/V LAB #4 - DAY] (Archie is reviewing the security camera footage.) Archie Johnson: Yeah, I've been watching this for a while now. Nick: Time stamped 10:52 P.M. He entered his room a couple of minutes later. Manager said the last time he used his card key was 10:54 P.M. Archie Johnson: We look forward about an hour ... (Archie sets the video forward to 11:47.) Archie Johnson: Jeff leaves his room alone. (Video shows Jeffrey Powell enter the elevator.) Nick: He doesn't have a jacket on. He's probably not going too far. Archie Johnson: So he gets off the elevator, goes into the casino, and nine minutes later, ... (Archie sets the video forward to where the blonde woman enters the elevator alone.) Archie Johnson: ... same blonde goes down in the elevator. Nick: Mm-hmm. (The blonde rests against the side railing, enough for the camera to catch her face.) Nick: Grab that. (Archie screen-caps the frame.) Nick: Print that. (He prints the frame.) Archie Johnson: After the vic gets off the elevator, I lose him in the casino crowd for about fifteen minutes. Nick: How do you lose him? Aren't there a hundred cameras in there? Archie Johnson: And at four hours of video each, that's four hundred hours of video I got to go through. (Nick smiles.) The vic was found at the loading dock off the shopping arcade. (Archie points to the video where the victim is walking through the lobby.) Archie Johnson: And here, he's heading for the arcade here. That's the last time I've got him on camera. There's no surveillance in the arcade hall. Only in the individual stores. (A woman walks out of the nearby store.) Nick: Freeze that. (Archie freezes the video frame.) Nick: Enhance that bag. (The name on the bag is SASAN.) Nick: The vic was wearing a Sasan jacket. Archie Johnson: Hah. Check this out. Bingo. (Archie checks the store map and finds it: B-102C 2,798 SF SASAN BOUTIQUE Nick: I'm going shopping. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. SASAN BOUTIQUE -- DAY] (Nick talks with Erica, the saleswoman.) Nick: But you were working last night. Erica: Yeah, we've been short-handed. Nick: Do you, uh, do you recognize either one of these people? (Nick shows her the elevator photo of Jeffrey Powell and the blonde-haired woman.) Erica: No. Sorry. (She hands the photo back to Nick. Nick takes out a second photo of the Sasan jacket.) Nick: How about this? Recognize that? Erica: Sure. That's from the new spring line. The leather's like skin. It's incredible. Show me that picture again. (Nick hands the elevator photo back to her. She studies it longer this time.) Erica: Now I remember. He bought a whole outfit. Even wanted underwear. We don't sell underwear. Nick: Credit card receipt, anything like that? Erica: (shakes her head) He paid cash. He was flashing a wad. Nick: Mm-hmm. Buy anything for her? Erica: Nothing. She didn't need anything. Looked perfect. Was making my job real easy. (Quick flashback to: [INT. SASAN BOUTIQUE - NIGHT] The blonde helps Jeffrey Powell into the jacket as Erica watches. She kisses him.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Erica: That guy would have bought anything she wanted him to, Mr. Stokes. (Nick smiles.) Nick: Thank you. (Nick turns to leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins snaps photos of the victim's chest. He uses a special camera and light. As he snaps photos, the bruises on the victim's neck appear.) TIME CUT TO: [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins reports his findings to Catherine. The victim's neck is open, his skin peeled back to show inside.) Robbins: I found extensive contusion involving the anterior aspect of the neck with hemorrhage in all the strap muscles. The thyroid, cricoid and arytenoids cartilages are all multiply fractured. (Camera zooms in for a close-up on a CGI IMAGE of the bones snapping.) RESUME VIEW (Robbins points out the broken bone in the neck.) Robbins: The hyoid bone is fractured as well. Catherine: The blunt-force trauma to the neck? Robbins: Yeah. COD is asphyxiation due to obstruction of the airway. Took a few minutes to die. Catherine: Any idea of the source of the BFT? Robbins: Well, I enhanced the contusion on the neck using UV photography. (He shows her the photo.) Robbins: Looks like there's a defined edge on the weapon. Catherine: Yeah, that could be anything. How about prelim tox results? Robbins: Well, tox detected methamphetamine, sildenafil and oxycodone. Catherine: Stimulant, erection and a painkiller. Party in a pill. Robbins: Where was that on my wedding night? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. PALERMO - PARKING GARAGE -- DAY] (Greg and Sara question Lenny Andretti, the hotel valet.) Greg: This couple look familiar? Lenny Andretti: Sweet red Ferrari. F-360 Spyder. Greg: When did you see them? Lenny Andretti: Last night-- I brought the car when they left. Around 8:15. They're gone a couple hours. The car - pfft -- was amazing. Sara: Did they happen to tell you where they were going? Lenny Andretti: No. Sara: Do you know what time they got back to the hotel? Lenny Andretti: Uh, a little after ten. The guy gave me a Benjamin. I kept an eye out on that baby, I didn't want any of these other maniacs putting their paws on it. Sara: What about the girl? You ever seen her before? Lenny Andretti: I don't think so. Sara: She strike you as a working girl? Lenny Andretti: I'll say this, if she was hooking, then she was top shelf, just like that car. I felt kind of like that garage guy in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"? You know, he likes the car so much, he takes it out for a spin for, like, the whole day. Not that I'd ever do that. Sara: Of course not. Lenny Andretti: Whoa, look, I had nothing to do with the damage on that car. (Quick flashback to: [NIGHT] Jeffrey Powell and the blonde are walking away when Lenny looks at the car and notices the scratch on the front.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Lenny Andretti: I mean, it was pristine before they took it out. Greg: They were in an accident? How bad? Lenny Andretti: Look, any scratch on that beauty is a tragedy and this was, like, a dent. You know what? They looked like they didn't even care. Anything else I can do for you? Sara: Um, thanks. Lenny Andretti: Lenny. Lenny Andretti. No relation. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (Hodges reports his findings to Catherine.) Hodges: The trace for your vic's jacket pocket was primarily talc. Catherine: Blue baby powder? Hodges: No. Take a look. (Catherine looks at the crystals in the scope.) Catherine: Birefringent crystals. Pretty. What are they? Hodges: It's a mixture of silica and axolite, two abrasives. But when found with talc, it suggests only one use. Catherine: And that would be? Hodges: In 1897, William Spinks received a patent for what came to be known as "Spinks Billiard Chalk." INSERT: MONTAGE (A cue stick is chalked up. The cue tip makes contact with the white ball, sending chalk particles on the billiard table felt.) Hodges: (V.O.) You may be surprised to know that cue-tip chalk does not contain chalk at all; it is a mixture of axolite and silica. (Cut to: Jeffrey Powell rubs his fingers on the jacket pocket as he puts his hands in the pocket.) RESUME VIEW: Hodges: The abrasives give grip to the tip when it hits the ball. Catherine: Stop trying to make that sound dirty. Our vic had a callus on his hand. Hodges: Mmm ... Catherine: Don't. Which means that he was probably playing a lot of pool. Hodges: Where do you go in this town to shoot stick with a hot blonde and a Ferrari? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CUE-T (POOL HALL) -- NIGHT] (Brass and Catherine enter the pool hall.) Brass: There's at least a half a dozen of these high-end pool halls in Vegas. The word on the street is a lot of out-of-town money comes through here. Catherine: Well, it's closer to Palermo; it's a good place to start. (Catherine picks up the chalk on the table. They look around and Brass sees someone hand money to a man, who turns around and hands it to Jake behind the counter. Brass and Catherine head over to Jake.) Brass: Hey, buddy, how's it going? Have these two been in lately? (He shows Jake the elevator photo of Jeff Powell and the blonde.) Jake: No. It's pretty dark in here, wouldn't recognize my own mom if she came in. Brass: It wasn't so dark you couldn't count your vig from that game over there. Jake: It's not illegal to bet on a pool game in Nevada. Catherine: -- but it is illegal for the house to take a cut a gaming license. I don't see one on the wall. Jake: That's because nothing like that's going on here. Brass: So, if we asked everyone in here, no one would say that you're taking a piece of the action? Jake: Let me take another look. Brass: Sure. Knock yourself out. Jake: I never see the guy. Girl's kind of a regular here. Name's Heidi. Brass: So, I guess your eyes do get used to the dark. Catherine: You know where we can find this Heidi? Jake: Oh, man ... Brass: (interrupts) You know, I don't see that license anywhere. Look, here's what we're going to do. Get on the phone. Call Heidi. Tell her a distinguished gentleman has just come in with a large wad of cash looking for some action. That'd be me. SHORT TIME CUT TO: [INT. CUE-T (POOL HALL) - NIGHT] (Heidi Wolff walks in. She heads over to Jake, who is standing near two officers. She stops and turns away. Brass and a uniformed officer walk up to her.) Brass: Heidi Wolff? How you doing? I'm Jim Brass, Las Vegas Police. Can I talk to you for a minute? Heidi Wolff: About what? Brass: Do you know this guy? (He shows her the elevator photo of Jeff Powell.) Heidi Wolff: No. Apparently, you think I do. Brass: Oh, I know you do. You want to tell me how he turned up dead? (She looks at the photo again, a worried look on her face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM A -- MORNING] (Brass interviews Heidi Wolff. She's sitting at the table. He's standing nearby.) Brass: So you spent the night with Jeff Powell. Heidi Wolff: And he was alive when he left me. Brass: Oh. He left you? Heidi Wolff: Yeah. Believe it or not. Look. He was getting kind of weird on me. INSERT FLASHBACK [INT. PALERMO - JEFF'S ROOM - NIGHT] (Heidi is on the bed, the sheet wrapped around her. Jeff is dressed and putting his shoes on.) Heidi Wolff: Hey. Where you going? Jeffrey Powell: Don't worry, I'll be right back. You know, I think I may just have to fall in love with you. (He walks out the door. The door closes behind him.) WHITE FLASH TO: BACK TO SCENE: Heidi Wolff: So I put on my clothes and I got out of there. I was looking for fun, not a lifetime commitment. (Brass sits down.) Brass: Is that what you call fun? Rolling a guy, taking his money? Heidi Wolff: I didn't take his money. Brass: Heidi, Heidi, ho. Look, we know Jeff was waving around a large wedge of cash. And the money was gone when we found him. You're an expensive date, Heidi. Heidi Wolff: I'm a professional gambler. Probably the only one in Vegas who declares every dollar. You can check my tax returns. Brass: We checked the hotel sheets. Heidi Wolff: We had s*x. Is that against the law? No. Brass: No. Heidi Wolff: We won some money shooting pool. Is that against the law? No. Brass: You gave him drugs. Is that against the law? Yeah. Look, here's the way I see it breaking down. You left the room nine minutes after he did. You went downstairs. You checked with your partner. You killed the kid, you took the cash, end of story. Heidi Wolff: Let's get this straight. He was a sweet kid and I'm sorry he's dead, but I had nothing to do with it. And I'm done talking. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. EXTRAVAGANT AUTO -- MORNING] (Greg and Sofia enter the Extravagant Auto showroom.) Greg: According to the DMV, of the 12 Ferrari F-360 Spyders registered in Vegas, only three are red. Two of them are privately owned, and a rental company has the third. And since the vic owns a Toyota in LA and Heidi Wolff drives a beetle ... (The manager, Robert Rhoda, exits the back and walks over to meet them.) Sofia Curtis: ... you figured this would be a good place to start. Robert Rhoda: Welcome to Extravagant Auto. Robert Rhoda. (He shakes their hands.) If what you're dreaming about's on four wheels, I can get it for you. Sofia Curtis: Actually, we're looking for a red Ferrari Spyder. Robert Rhoda: The lady likes fast cars. And I just happen to have one. But it got into a little fender-bender, so it's going to take a day or so to get it fixed. (He notices her badge.) Sofia Curtis: We'll take it as is. [SCENE_BREAK] [FERRARI] (CU: The dent and scratch on the red Ferrari Spyder.) [EXT. EXTRAVAGANT AUTO -- MORNING] (Greg examines the damage to the car as Sofia and Robert Rhoda watch.) Greg: Looks like paint transfer on the left rear quarter. Clear coat's been peeled front-to-back. Sofia Curtis: Which means the Ferrari was the faster vehicle. Robert Rhoda: The Ferrari is always e faster vehicle. (Greg snaps a photo of the damage. Sofia walks around the car and finds more damage in the front.) Sofia Curtis: Ooh. Nice dent to the front bumper. (Greg takes a sample of the car paint off the scrape.) Robert Rhoda: You're looking at $15,000 of damage there. Sofia Curtis: Who rented it? Robert Rhoda: Can't help you with that. Our customer records are confidential. In any case, we're not making a police report about the damage. Sofia Curtis: No need. We're impounding it. Robert Rhoda: What? (Greg looks at the car's inside.) Greg: Looks like the interior's been cleaned. I'll call auto transport and have them tow it back to the lot. (Robert Rhoda takes his cell phone out and starts snapping photos of the car.) Sofia Curtis: Mr. Rhoda, what are you doing? Robert Rhoda: I'm documenting my loss. I'm filing for crime victim compensation. (Sofia doesn't say anything. She glances over at Greg, who smiles and shakes his head.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] INSERT: MONTAGE (Hodges takes the cap off the container and removes the paint sample inside. He processes the sample.) (He makes a resin cube around the paint sample and processes it.) (He places the cube under the scope and looks at it.) ECU: A RED PAINT SAMPLE (Hodges smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Grissom walks out of his office looking at a photo from a file folder when Greg catches him to report his findings.) Greg: Grissom? Hodges confirmed the paint transfer on the Ferrari is a black acrylic enamel. Grissom: That doesn't narrow it down much. Greg: Well, it gets better. It's a GM paint, with traces of fiberglass-reinforced plastic. Which means, we're looking for a black Corvette. Grissom: I'll have Brass put out a broadcast. Nick ran the vic's credit card. "Sheritown, Inc." is based in L.A., run by a guy named Mick Sheridan. I'm going to meet him at the PD. Greg: Mick Sheridan the movie producer? I grew up watching his action blockbusters -car chases, ninjas, cyborg death machines. We used to make body armor out of tinfoil, and re-enact the scene all over the neighborhood. What about you? You were a green beret kid? Secret agent? Grissom: I'm not telling. And stay away from my tinfoil. (Grissom walks out of camera frame, leaving Greg behind. Greg smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY] (Grissom and Brass meet with Mike Sheridan, the movie producer.) Mick Sheridan: I'm sick about this. Of all kids. Jeff. I can't stop crying. Brass: You want something to drink? Mick Sheridan: Oh, thanks, uh ... (He looks to the officer standing on the side of the room.) Small Pellegrino, room temperature. (The officer moves away. Brass and Grissom exchange looks.) Grissom: Mr. Sheridan, can you tell us anything about this girl? (Grissom shows the photo of Heidi Wolff to him.) Mick Sheridan: I don't know her. Jeff must have met her here. I loved him like a son. Smart. Hard-working. I hired him right out of law school. Grissom: What kind of work did he do for you? Mick Sheridan: An assistant. He wanted to learn from the bottom up, like I did. Brass: Oh, right, he used to be an actor. Mick Sheridan: Yeah. But I had a nasty habit -- I wanted to eat regularly. And didn't want to work as a waiter to do it. Grissom: Did Jeff have any nasty habits? (Mike Sheridan turns and looks at Grissom.) Grissom: We found several different drugs in his bloodstream. Brass: What was Jeff doing Las Vegas? Mick Sheridan: Um ... about a month ago, when he was making copies of my divorce settlement, he spotted a provision that my wife's lawyer had rephrased. My lawyers had missed it. He saved me millions of dollars. So to thank him, I gave him a vacation. Brass: You give him any cash? Mick Sheridan: Couple hundred bucks, corporate credit card. Told him to have fun. Grissom: Fun, huh? Mick Sheridan: (nods) Yeah. I'll be regretting that for the rest of my life. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (Greg is in a black Corvett dusting for fingerprints. Sara walks in carrying a camera.) Sara: I guess the broadcast paid off. Black Corvette. Greg: Parking enforcement found it abandoned off Durango near Russell. Sara: Right between the pool hall and the Palermo? (Greg tape-lifts some prints off the steering wheel.) Greg: Yup. (Sara snaps photos of the damage to the car.) Sara: This would have been impossible to drive away. (Finished, Greg gets up and moves away from the car.) Greg: Yeah. Bummer. Sara: Please tell me there's something more to this guys and cars thing beside the obvious penis-extension metaphors. Greg: So you want me to lie? (Sara goes back to snapping photos of the damage to the car. Greg picks up his own camera and looks at the car damage to the back bumper.) (Camera zooms in for a CU of the paint transfer.) Greg: Red paint transfer. (Greg lifts the camera and focuses.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CAR - STREET - NIGHT] (Jeffrey Powell is driving the Ferrari with the blonde in the passenger seat. The black Corvette speeds up and overtakes him.) (Suddenly, the black Corvette brakes. The red Ferrari slams into the black Corvette's back bumper.) (End of flash. Resume to present.) Greg: I'll get a sample to Hodges. See if he can match this to the Ferrari. (Sara checks the glove compartment and finds a receipt.) Sara: It's a rental. Greg: Extravagant Automobiles? Sara: No. Zenith? Greg: Yeah, night to be in the car-rental business. Sara: Driver's name is Randy Bolen. Local address. Let's go talk to him. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK)] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (Sofia Curtis looks through the file folder as Randy Bolen waits.) Sofia Curtis: "Randy Bolen. Misdemeanor possession, assault, felony possession for sales ... " you can't help but break the law, can you? What's with the forehead? (Randy Bolen doesn't say anything.) Sofia Curtis: Well, you got that bruise somehow. Want me to add leaving the scene of an accident to the list? Randy Bolen: It was a fender bender. Not my fault. Sofia Curtis: Sure about that? Randy Bolen: Yeah. Sofia Curtis: Because your car and the Ferrari were both rented. Randy Bolen: (scoffs) So what? It's a coincidence. Sofia Curtis: You're a local. Why did you need to rent a car? Randy Bolen: I can't afford one all the time, so I rent one when I can. Sofia Curtis: What were you doing all night before your fender bender? Randy Bolen: What was I doing? I was shooting pool. Place called the ... the Cue-T. Sofia Curtis: How'd you play? Did you win any money? Randy Bolen: You know, you win some, you lose some. (Quick flashback to: [INT. CUE-T (POOL HALL) - NIGHT] (Randy Bolen plays a game of pool with Jeffrey Powell as Heidi Wolff watches.) SERIES OF CUTS OF THE POOL GAME (Jeffrey Powell sinks in ball after ball after ball. The crowd gathered around the billiard table is impressed.) (Finally, the last black ball goes into the hole. The crowd applauds and cheers.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sofia Curtis: I guess that would be lose some. How much? Randy Bolen: Ten grand. Sofia Curtis: That's a lot of money for a guy like you. WHITE FLASH TO: (Jeffrey Powell takes the cash off the pool table and leaves with Heidi Wolff. As they leave, Jeffrey Powell looks back at Randy Bolen. Randy glares back and slams his cue stick on the table as he follows them.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Randy Bolen: I've had worse nights. Sofia Curtis: (chuckles) Yeah, I'm sure you have. You're having one now. (She opens the file folder and shows him the photo of Jeffrey and Heidi in the elevator.) Sofia Curtis: These the guys you played? (He looks at the photo, then looks at Sofia.) Randy Bolen: Yeah. Sofia Curtis: Now, there's a coincidence, because they were in the Ferrari, which makes you a very sore loser. (Quick flash to: [EXT. STREET - NIGHT] The Corvette guns its engine as it catches up with the red Ferrari. The Corvette pulls up alongside the Ferrari. Jeffrey Powell turns and sees Randy Bolen driving the Corvette. Randy pushes the car into the Ferrari, forcing him to sway away.) (Still speeding alongside the Ferrari, Randy overtakes Jeffrey. Once in front, he slams on the brakes. The Ferrari hits the back of the Corvette. Randy turns the Corvette completely around, allowing the damaged Ferrari to speed past.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Randy Bolen: Okay. So I rubbed him a little. It was a stupid thing to do. Sofia Curtis: Not as stupid as killing him. Randy Bolen: What, that kid-- he's dead? Sofia Curtis: Yeah. (Randy sits back in his seat, thinking. He shakes his head, then looks at Sofia.) Randy Bolen: I want a lawyer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (Nick and Sofia walk through the hallway as she reports to him.) Sofia Curtis: According to his record, Randy Bolen used to be a professional stunt driver. Nick: Must not have been a very good one. Sofia Curtis: He teaches at that track off Boulder Highway where middle-aged guys get to act out their Grand Prix fantasies. Nick: Mm-hmm, okay. A guy like that gets beat by a punk kid on the street it's gonna be an assault on his manhood. Sofia Curtis: He's got a temper. Nick: Okay. I'll see if I can place him at the hotel. I'll let you know. (Nick turns and heads into the A/V Lab.) [INT. CSI - A/V LAB -- CONTINUOUS] (Nick finds Archie in front of the monitors.) Nick: Hey, Arch. Archie Johnson: Hey. Nick: Surveillance footage from the Palermo? Archie Johnson: Yeah. I just found something really interesting. (Archie is reviewing footage from the CASINO FLOOR - POKER, CAM 06 at 7:38.) Archie Johnson: Now, that's the blonde from the elevator. (He switches to CAM 09, CASINO FLOOR - SLOTS, following Heidi Wolff as she walks along the casino.) Archie Johnson: There she is again. And here's Jeff Powell. (He switches to another camera where Jeff Powell is sitting at the bar having a beer.) Archie Johnson: This is where his evening begins, when he meets her for the first time. (On the monitor, Heidi sits down next to Jeff and takes out a tissue. She dabs at her nose, obviously crying.) Nick: Ooh. She didn't look too happy. Archie Johnson: Yeah. (On the monitor, a bartender puts a glass of wine on the counter in front of her. She digs into her purse.) Archie Johnson: Keep watching when she points at something. Keep your eyes on her wine. (She points to something for Jeff to look at. He turns and looks. She pulls the glass of wine to the edge of the counter, then knocks it over with her bag, spilling the drink on Jeff's pants.) (Nick smiles.) Nick: You think that was on purpose? Archie Johnson: Well, sure looks that way. Take a look at this. (Archie enhances Heidi's open purse. She's got a stack of cash in her bag.) Archie Johnson: Girl was loaded. Nick: It's safe to say she wasn't after him for his money. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - CATHERINE'S OFFICE] (Sara enters the office, knocking on the door first.) Sara: Hey. (Catherine looks up from the computer as Sara takes a seat at her desk.) Catherine: Hey. Sara: Warrants came through on the rental agreements. Catherine: Jeff Powell went a little crazy with his corporate card and rented the Ferrari himself? Sara: No. Heidi Wolff rented it. The reservation was held in her name by a company called Caprice Unlimited. This is where it gets interesting. Caprice Unlimited also rented Randy Bolen's Corvette. Catherine: What kind of business is it? Sara: All I know so far is that they're unlisted. Catherine: Well, nothing's entirely unlisted these days. (Catherine, 1140apt6(a)gmail.com, enters CAPRICE UNLIMITED into SYPDER FINDER to run a search.) Catherine: Caprice Unlimited. (Sara waits.) Sara: Mm-hmm. (Search results show: CAPRICE UNLIMITED, "Anything is Possible", at www.capriceunlimited.com. Catherine hits enter.) (The home page appears: CAPRICE UNLIMITED Anything is Possible Catherine: "Caprice Unlimited." "Anything is possible." (nods) Sounds like a s*x business. (She reaches for the phone. Sara smiles, amused.) Sara: What are you going to say? Catherine: Uh, something other than, "a guy is dead, and it looks like you're involved." Male Voice: (answering machine) You've reached Caprice Unlimited. Leave a message; we shall call you. Catherine: Not taking calls. (Catherine hangs up without leaving a message. Sara thinks.) Sara: Let's see if they're making any. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - NIGHT] (Sara is at the computer, a CELLULAR FREQUENCY LOCATOR form on screen. She ENTERS the CELLULAR NUMBER: 702-55-0104.) (ON THE LAPTOP SCREEN: A map of the area appears with cellular towers in red and various colored grids for each tower in green or blue.) (A RED indicator appears at an address.) (Camera zooms in and a second FIELD pops up: CELLULAR TRIANGULATION RESULTS: ENTER CELLULAR NUMBER: (Sara enters the address into the field: 20511 FARNUM ROAD.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAPRICE UNLIMITED -- JAPANESE ESTATE - ENTRYWAY -- DAY ] (OPEN on a lantern with painted panels hanging from the ceiling. Very Oriental.) (CAMERA moves down and we find Grissom and Sara entering the entryway through the front gates.) (They walk through the main hallway with various dark-haired female artwork on the walls. Two uniformed officers enter the gates behind them.) Sara: Triangulation's consistent. Caprice Unlimited made the calls from this address. According to the building manager, Caprice is only renting it for two days. (Grissom and Sara pass through the walkway and enter the courtyard gardens.) [EXT. JAPANESE ESTATE - COURTYARD - DAY -- CONTINUOUS (It's like stepping into another world. A woman playing a biwa sits on the concrete bench on the side. Large circular red and yellow lanterns are strewn up along the garden, a large Koi pond graces the center of the yard.) (Grissom and Sara cross the walkway over the pond and head further into the courtyard. Two Japanese girls are off to the side, one brushing the hair of the other.) (At the end of the garden is a small room with shoji doors. Inside the room, a man holds a string of pearls against a young Oriental woman's bare shoulder. The woman is kneeling in front of him. Grissom watches them.) Anthony Caprice: (o.s.) No, not quite. (The man moves over to the second young Oriental woman and holds the string of pearls against her bare shoulder.) Anthony Caprice: (o.s.) Oh, yes. Perfect. (Grissom turns and looks at Sara.) Anthony Caprice: (o.s.) You two, go get your costumes and find out what's expected of you. (to third woman remaining behind) Why don't you wait for me inside? (The two young Oriental women exit the room and walk past Grissom and Sara. Grissom watches them leave. Anthony Caprice exits the room and looks at Grissom and Sara.) Anthony Caprice: I'm sorry. This is a private residence. Grissom: My name is Gil Grissom; this is Sara Sidle. We're with the Crime Lab. Anthony Caprice: Anthony Caprice. There's no crime here. (off their looks) That was a job interview. Over $150,000 has been spent on this event. It's for several golf club salesmen. They're from Kansas City. Japanese formality will mesh very nicely with their inherent Midwestern restraint. (At that, Sara smirks and turns around to look at the Oriental women brushing their hair in the back of the courtyard behind them. Anthony Caprice watches Sara. She turns and looks at him.) Anthony Caprice: (continues) Their idealized women -- submissive, but in control ... (He looks at Sara.) ... becomes the geisha. (Grissom notices Anthony Caprice watching Sara.) Grissom: I get it. You're one of those companies that stages fantasies, right? Everything appears real, but it's all been worked out in advance? (Sara looks at Grissom. Anthony Caprice turns his attention back to Sara.) Anthony Caprice: These scenarios take weeks to craft. I learn everything ... (He turns and looks at Grissom.) ... about my client's wants and his desires, all without him even knowing. (Grissom glances at Sara.) Anthony Caprice: Secret longings -- they have a ... a kind of electricity. They're often much more visible than we would want them to be. Grissom: (beat, then) And, uh, Jeff Powell's evening -- the girl, the car, the billiards -- all paid for by Mick Sheridan? Anthony Caprice: (shakes his head) Never heard of him. Sara: Who did pay? Anthony Caprice: A benefactor. Wishes to remain anonymous. (Anthony Caprice takes out his PDA. The screen shows a client list: ACHESON, LENA ASTOR, LONNIE DUNN, TARA FENWAY, JOE GANEM, EMMANUEL KIRKBAUM, MITCH LANG, ASHLEY LOGAN, RACHEL PEREZ, CHASE POWELL, JEFF SIMON, DEAN (He clicks on JEFF POWELL'S name.) Grissom: Somebody rich who likes to manipulate people probably. (A list appears on the PDA. He clicks on PRINT and PRINTS the entire SCRIPT.) (The printer prints out the script.) Anthony Caprice: Everybody likes to be in control. You don't have to be rich to want that. (He walks past them and over to the printer table.) Sara: If you're so law-abiding, why did Heidi Wolff and Randy Bolen lie to the police about what happened? Did you tell them to do that? Anthony Caprice: All my employees have a very strict non-disclosure agreement that they have to sign, although, I'd never expect them to lie to the police. Maybe you just asked them the wrong questions. (He turns around and hands Sara the script pages.) Anthony Caprice: Here's a copy of Mr. Powell's scenario. Every event that they talked about was meticulously planned in advance and timed down to the minute. Grissom: And his murder? Anthony Caprice: Tragic. (shakes his head) But it's not in my script. (then) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hot tub to calibrate. (He starts to leave. He turns around and looks at Grissom and Sara.) Anthony Caprice: Oh. And may all your dreams come true. (He turns away and leaves.) (Camera holds on Grissom and Sara.) SMASH TO BLACK. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY] (Brass walks Mick Sheridan through the hallway.) Mick Sheridan: Well, I hope this means you know what happened to Jeff. That's the first time that the tower yanked back my Gulfstream on takeoff. Brass: No kidding. Well, there's always a first for everything. (Brass points to the interview room.) Brass: We can talk in here. Mick Sheridan: Something wrong with your office? Brass: No. [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY] (Brass interviews Mick Sheridan.) Brass: You seem to have bad luck with the people who work for you. Mick Sheridan: If that's a joke, it's in pretty poor taste. Brass: Three years ago, you were busted with an eight ball of cocaine in your luggage. You claimed that your personal assistant had planted it. Mick Sheridan: That's because he did. The charges against me were dropped. The poor kid had a serious problem. I got him into a program. Understand he's doing better now. Brass: I hear you bought him a car to shut him up and take the rap. Mick Sheridan: The media spins everything ... (Brass holds up a hand.) Brass: The media. We found an ounce of cocaine in Jeff Powell's personal effects. He was buying drugs for you. Mick Sheridan: I don't do drugs. And I had no idea that Jeff had a drug problem. Brass: Last time, you bought a car, this time, an elaborate fantasy to shut him up. The problem is, he's dead. And that makes you responsible. Mick Sheridan: Captain Brass ... you've seen too many of my movies. I'd like to call my attorney now. [SCENE_BREAK] [THE SCRIPT:] SUBJECT: JEFFREY POWELL TIME / ACTORS / ACTION 5:00 PM / HEIDI + RANDY / -Drive to 20511 Fornum Rd. -HEIDI collects $7,000 cash for evening. -RANDY collects $12,000 cash for evening. [NOTE: HEIDI WILL WEAR SEXY, BUT SOPHISTICATED ATTIRE.] 6:00 PM / HEIDI / -Rent reserved Ferrari at Extravagant Automobile Rentals -Drive to Palermo. Utilize valet parking. Tip at least $20. 7:00 PM / RANDY / -Rent reserved Corvette at Zenith Rental Cars. -Drive to Cue-T. Play pool and wait for HEIDI to arrive. 7:15 PM / HEIDI / -SUBJECT has been told the scene at Palermo begins at the casino bar. -SUBJECT believes "early bird gets the worm." -Confirm sub-rosa he is there. Then proceed with ... 7:15 PM / HEIDI / -Enter the Palermo bar and negotiate close proximity -Act upset. Point out random high roller as abusive [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT] (Grissom, Catherine, Nick and Sara are standing around the table, putting a timeline together.) Sara: The script for Jeff's fantasy starts with Heidi and Randy renting the cars at 6:00 P.M. Then it says Randy drives the Corvette to the Cue-T and waits. Catherine: And Heidi takes the Ferrari. Finds Jeff at the Palermo bar. (She pulls the photo video cam still of Heidi and Jeff at the bar closer to her. The still is for the CASINO BAR, CAM 11, at 7:44. The still ANIMATES into LIVE ACTION as they continue to narrate through the script.) [INT. PALERMO - BAR - NIGHT (VERSION)] (Heidi sits down next to Jeff and appears to be upset.) Sara: (V.O.) (reading) Her instructions were: "Act upset. Make up story about abusive high roller boyfriend. Allow Jeff to offer comfort." Heidi Wolff: (reacting) Sorry. I'm really okay. (off his look) No, I'm not. Jeff Powell: Anything I can do for you? Heidi Wolff: It's my damn boyfriend. WHITE FLASH TO -- BACK TO SCENE: Nick: Any guy would help a beautiful woman in distress, right? Grissom: Some guys are intimidated by beauty ... (Camera cuts to Sara watching Grissom.) Grissom: ... or fear rejection. Evidently, Caprice knew Jeff well enough to know he'd want to help her. (Nick nods.) (Sara reads the script.) Sara: (reading) Heidi's next instructions were to repay subject's kindness by buying drink." Catherine: Which she then accidentally spills on his clothes. (CUT TO: The victim's jacket and clothes on hangers with wine stains on them.) (Camera moves over and we find Jeff dressing in the dressing room. He's buckling up his belt.) Catherine: (V.O.) Insists on buying him a new outfit, one that he couldn't afford on his own. (Heidi kneels in front of Jeff and helps him put his belt on. Jeff's enjoying every moment of it.) (CUT TO: Heidi hands Jeff the money to pay for the clothes.) Sara: (V.O.) Everything was scripted down to the minute -- the clothes, ... (CU: The cue stick makes contact with the white ball, chalk dust spattering on the table felt.) Sara: (V.O.) ... the Cue-T, ... (CUT TO: Jeff and Heidi speeding in the Ferrari.) Sara: (V.O.) ... the car. (End of flashbacks.) BACK TO SCENE: Grissom: Sheridan told Caprice that Jeff had been shooting pool since he was a kid. So betting on and winning a big money game was probably just part of the fantasy. Nick: Yeah, and he was a NASCAR fan. So the whole staged car chase, narrow getaway was everything he dreamed about. Catherine: As was the partying in his hotel room. And the s*x. (Sara checks the script.) Sara: Not quite. According to the script, "your employment ends with the good-night kiss. You are not requested to perform, nor compensated for, any activity you initiate beyond this point. (Quick flash to: Jefff and Heidi are in bed.) Sara: (V.O.) Should nature take its course, you are on your own." (Heidi smiles at Jeff.) Jeff: C'mere. (End of flashback. Resume to scene.) (Grissom looks at Sara.) Grissom: So the staged fantasy ended at Jeff's hotel room. (Sara nods.) Grissom: Which means he was off script when he was killed. (Again, Sara nods.) Nick: I don't get it. After a night like that, I would have felt like Superman. Why leave the girl? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB] (Grissom sits next to Archie Johnson.) Grissom: The victim got to the shopping arcade fifteen minutes after he got off the elevator. It's not that long a walk. I need to know what he was doing during that time. (Archie goes to the monitors and finds Jeff back in the casino room at 3:17.) Archie Johnson: There's your guy. (Archie switches cameras and shows Jeff pointing and talking with someone off screen.) Grissom: Whatever he's reacting to is off camera. (Grissom checks the casino map.) Somewhere in the direction of the baccarat tables. Archie Johnson: When the blonde came up to the vic in the bar the first time, she pointed in that same direction. Grissom: What's going on over there? (Archie checks the security cameras. He shows a man playing with the dealer.) Grissom: He's playing solo with the dealer. That's ten or twenty thousand a hand. Guy's a whale. (Jeff walks up to the man at the table. Two security guards stop him.) Archie Johnson: Your vic's really going at him. (Grissom thinks about it.) Grissom: You know, Heidi was only supposed to tell a story about a high roller boyfriend. Maybe she actually picked somebody out. (Archie groans and stands up. He starts stomping his feet, trying to get his circulation going again.) Grissom: What are you doing? Archie Johnson: I've been looking at video three days solid now. My butt fell asleep. (Archie goes to look at the monitors again and sees something.) Archie Johnson: Wait a second. I've seen those guys behind him somewhere else. (He thinks about it, then switches to another camera, the SHOPPING ENTRANCE.) Archie Johnson: Hang on. (On the monitors, Jeff leaves the lobby.) Archie Johnson: Jeff went from the casino to shopping arcade, and right behind him ... there they are. Same guys. (The monitor shows the two security guys following Jeff out of the arcade.) (Archie puts the three video shots from the various cameras up on the screen.) Grissom: Well, call me Ishmael. Archie Johnson: Why? Grissom: You need to read more, Arch. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. PALERMO - CASINO -- NIGHT] (Grissom, Catherine and Sofia Curtis walk through the casino.) Grissom: Jeff was a winner at everything he tried that night. Sofia Curtis: And he was falling in love. Catherine: Which can make a guy do some pretty stupid things. So anytime more than $10,000 hits the table, the casino's required to ID the player. Grissom: Which may help us harpoon the whale. Catherine: Yep. (The dark-suited MALE PIT BOSS walks up to them.) Pit Boss: What's the occasion? Sofia Curtis: We're investigating the death of the young man on the casino's loading dock. (Grissom shows the pit boss the photo of the baccarat player.) Grissom: Are you familiar with this guy? Pit Boss: That's Dennis Kim. Flies in four, five times a year from Seoul to play baccarat. Very generous player. We reserve a table exclusively for him while he's in town. Sofia Curtis: He still in town? Pit Boss: Yeah. He's at his table right now. [INT. PALERMO - CASINO - BACCARAT ALCOVE - CONTINUOUS] (The pit boss escorts Grissom, Catherine and Sofia Curtis to the baccarat table. His two bodyguards stand close behind him.) Pit Boss: There's Mr. Kim, right there. Sofia Curtis: Mr. Kim, we need to speak with you for a moment. (Dennis Kim turns and looks at them.) Dennis Kim: Yes? Sofia Curtis: Do you recognize this man? (She hands him the elevator photo of Jeff Powell. He looks at the photo and shakes his head.) Dennis Kim: Why? Catherine: He's dead. Grissom: Just before he died, he was talking to you. (Dennis Kim sighs and looks at the photo again.) Dennis Kim: Oh, yes, I remember him. He was shouting about some girl. WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. PALERMO CASINO - BACCARAT ALCOVE - NIGHT] (Mr. Kim is playing baccarat when Jeff Powell walks up to him.) Jeff Powell: Hey you! Hey! Guess what? (One of the bodyguards steps forward and pushes Jeff Powell back away from Dennis Kim.) Jeff Powell: Heidi, she doesn't need you or your money anymore, man. That's right. Because she has everything she needs now -- love and respect. So you go ahead and play your little card game. All right? 'Cause you the playa. But I'm the man. The man. (End of flashback.) BACK TO SCENE Dennis Kim: Crazy boy. (Catherine picks up the photo and shows it to the bodyguards.) Catherine: Did you guys see where he went? (The bodyguards don't look at the photo.) Dennis Kim: (in Korean) Bodyguard 1: (in Korean) (Catherine looks down at the bodyguard's shoes and sees the white paint smudge on it.) Catherine: Well, we're gonna need to take those shoes. (to Grissom) White paint. Dennis Kim: And if I don't permit this? Grissom: We'll just hold your men until we get a warrant. (Kim thinks about it for a moment, then -- Dennis Kim: (in Korean) (The bodyguards look puzzled, then start removing their shoes. Grissom puts his kit on the table.) Grissom: Kamsahamnida. [Translated: Thank you.] Dennis Kim: (in Korean) (The bodyguards remove their shoes.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB - NIGHT - MONTAGE] (Catherine examines the bodyguards' shoes. She scans the shoe into the computer. She prints the shoeprint on a transparency.) (She puts that shoe aside. She picks up the white paint-smudged shoe and looks at it under the enhancer, then scans that shoeprint into the computer as well. She prints it out on a transparency.) (She puts the morgue photo of Jeff Powell's neck on the table. She places the transparency over the neck. It is not a match. She places the other transparency over the neck and finds a match to the bruises.) WHITE FLASH TO: [FLASHBACK -- MONTAGE] (The bodyguards are roughing Jeff up in the corridor leading to the docking bay.) Catherine: (V.O.) The bodyguards dragged Jeff through the service corridor. (The bodyguards push Jeff outside.) Catherine: (V.O.) Between the drugs and the confidence, he must've put up quite a fight. (They toss him to the ground. He gets up.) Jeffrey Powell: Hey! (He punches the bigger bodyguard in the face. The second bodyguard kicks Jeff in the neck.) (End of flashback.) [INT. CSI - OFFICE - NIGHT] (Grissom, Catherine, Greg and Sara are sitting at the table as they go over the case.) Catherine: Most likely, he was still alive when they left. They probably thought they just had taught him a lesson. Grissom: They did: Don't confuse fantasy with reality. (Silent, Sara looks at Grissom. Their eyes meet. She smiles slightly.) Greg: Well, hush money or not, you have to admit that whole fantasy night thing was a pretty cool gift from a very generous boss. (Grissom looks surprised by that remark.) Sara: Greg, don't you have a birthday coming up? Greg: Why, yes, Sara, I do. (Sara turns and smiles at Grissom. He looks back at her.) Catherine: I'm thinking ear-shredding rock, a beautiful model, boatloads of sushi and ... latex? Greg: Eh, that was last year. (Sara suppresses a smile.) Grissom: I think fantasies are best kept private. (He looks at Sara. Camera holds a beat on Sara.) (Nick enters the room.) Nick: Hey. Want to know why Jeff left the girl and went downstairs? Catherine: Okay. Nick: This was dropped off at the Palermo. Manager sent it over. (Nick opens the jewelry case and shows the diamond bracelet inside. Everyone leans to look at the bracelet.) Catherine: Nice rocks. Nick: Mm-hmm. Jeff must have spent the ten g's he won playing pool on it. (Grissom listens and glances over at Sara.) Nick: Gift wrapped, never picked it up. Catherine: Yeah, there was a jewelry store right across from the service corridor entrance. (Quick flashback to: [INT. JEWELERS - NIGHT] The clerk brings out the bracelet as Jeff takes out the cash and counts the bills.) Jeff Powell: (excited) Most I ever spent on a girl. (Through the glass window, we see the two bodyguards standing out in the arcade and watching Jeff.) Jeff Powell: Most I ever held in my hand at one time. (He continues to count the cash.) (End of flashback. Resume to scene.) Nick: You know, the biggest fantasy in Vegas is that everything here happens by chance. Nothing here happens by chance. The odds are set before you get off the plane. (Nick closes the jewelry case and turns to leave.) Greg: You know, I'd settle for a birthday breakfast. (Hint. Hint. Greg closes the file folder in front of him and glances slyly at Catherine. Catherine picks up her cup and stands up.) Catherine: Now that is a fantasy. (Catherine and Greg leave the room. Grissom and Sara remain behind. Sara looks up smiling and finds Grissom looking at her.) (Their eyes meet.) (Hold on Grissom and we ...

The team investigates the death of a man with a designer suit and the keys to a Ferrari, found dumped in a back alley. Their search leads them to believe he went down fighting and was dragged through a hall with wet paint on the walls. Eventually, they are led to a service in Las Vegas that orchestrates the 'perfect weekend' for an unsuspecting target by uncovering their fantasies and hiring actors to start and play a part in those fantasies.

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First Encounters Of The Close Kind #310 (Leery Residence - Dawson is working on his Witch Island documentary) Grams: (on screen) And what happened there is proof positive that the good Lord doesn't take lightly to those who dabble in the black arts. (Joey tosses an overnight bag through the window and climbs in.) Dawson: Nice entrance. Joey: (noticing what Dawson is working on) Dawson, isn't there a limit on the number of times a person can watch their own movie? Dawson: I I've gotta be prepared. We've got a Q & A session after the screening. Joey: Ooh, 'The Screening'. How Sundance. Dawson: Let's not blow this completely out of proportion, shall we? (Dawson kinda avoids Joey's glance.) Joey: What's the matter? Dawson: Nothing. Joey: Could it be...? Dawson: What? (he starts packing a bag) Joey: Dawson Leery, the gifted, young, self-motivated hauteur; Capeside's own Spielberg and wonder, can be nervous? Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, of course I am. I mean, it's, you know, it's one thing to be a big fish in the small pond that is Capeside Joey: But entirely another to swim in the talent pool with hundreds of your egocentric competitors. Dawson: Exactly. And thank you for that gut-wrenching visual. Joey: Now I may be a little biased here, because, well, let's face it, I am one of the stars of the movie, but, it's really good. I mean, look at it this way for better or worse, this experience will only take you one step closer to realizing your dreams. Besides, you don't have to spend an entire weekend with a complete stranger. Dawson: It is kind of cruel and unusual. Joey: Yeah, well, I signed up for the College tour, and they pair you off with one of the students. Those are the rules. Dawson: Are you nervous? Joey: Yeah. But in a good way. I mean, I know we're just visiting, but this trip kinda gives me hope. Maybe one day I will make it out of here. Dawson: Hey Joey, it never once crossed my mind that you wouldn't make it outta here. Joey: It's easy for you to say, Dawson. Dawson: Come on, Jo, look at the original impulse, look at this weekend as an adventure. Alright, I mean this is this is our first fore into the real world. You know, this weekend could be a glimpse into the rest of our lives. Joey: Or, it it could be the weekend when all of our hopes and dreams just come crashing down around us, I mean, forcing us to withdraw from mainstream society and spend the rest of our days as these cynical embittered shadows of our former selves. It's just a thought. (Cambridge University - Dawson, Joey, Andie, and Jack are strolling past the buildings.) Dawson: I feel like Richard Dreyfuss from Close Encounters of the Third Kind. You know, the director's cut where he finally boards the mother ship and meets with the aliens. Joey: News flash, Dawson. We are the aliens. Jack: So, what're you thinkin', sis? Andie: These students enjoy the distinction of attending America's finest college. Founded in 1626, it was named after a British colonist who ended up donating his entire collection of books. And the original faculty teaching here in the colonial wilderness could hardly have imagined that that over the next three centuries it would become known throughout the world as a premier center for teaching and research. Dawson: (laughing) You should write for the catalogue. Jack: Ahh. It is the catalogue, Dawson. I think she sent away for it when she was about nine. Andie: Class of 2005, baby, early admissions. I'm gonna ace this interview. Joey: Well, I better go meet my room-mate. (reading from a piece of paper) Uh, A.J. Moller. Andie: Joey, you are gonna have a blast. I took the junior tour last year. Joey: As a sophomore? Andie: Early bird gets into college. Dawson: What are you doing, Jack? Jack: Uhh, just hang out, I guess, do the tours thing. Dawson: (looking at his watch) Well, it is about that time. Jack: Yep. Andie: I am so psyched. Joey: Me too, me too. Andie: OK, bye. Joey: Bye. Dawson: Bye. (They all go off in different directions. Inside a building - Dawson walks over to an African-American girl who is working behind a desk in the film festival lobby.) Dawson: L- double E-R-Y. Nikki: First name? Dawson: Dawson. Nikki: (reaching for Dawson's film) Movie please. (Dawson hands her his film reel.) Nikki: Which category, comedy or drama? Dawson: Documentary. Well, actually more of a Nikki: Date of birth? Dawson: Uh, three, fourteen, eighty-three. Nikki: Uh, favorite director? Dawson: Spielberg. Nikki: (looking up at him) You're kidding? Dawson: No. (She looks almost embarrassed. She takes Dawson's film reel over to another table as he follows.) Nikki: Steven Spielberg. Undoubtedly a gifted film maker, but I mean, come on, where's the edge? Dawson: The edge is fleeting. Heart lasts forever. Nikki: Say 'cheese'? (She takes his picture.) Nikki: OK, sign here, and here. (Dawson does so.) Nikki: This card will get you into the screening. You didn't fill out a synopsis. Dawson: Not enough room. You see, uh, my film started out as a documentary, chronicling the history of this so-called island which was thought to be haunted, but Nikki: Another Blair Witch Project. Gotcha. (walking away) Good luck. Next! (In the Dorms - Joey approaches a room with the number 381 on the door and knocks. After no one replies, she opens the door and finds a guy sitting on his desk with an iBook in his lap.) Joey: Excuse me. A.J.: Shh! Joey: I'm sorry, I just A.J.: Shh, shh, shh, just a second. (Joey waits impatiently until the guy finally acknowledges her.) A.J.: Yes, what is it? Joey: I'm looking for A.J Moller, is this her room? A.J.: No, this is not HER room. Joey: She's supposed to be my room-mate for the weekend; junior tour. Do you have any idea where I might find her? A.J.: Nope. Joey: OK, well, the number on my information card says 'Room 381'. A.J.: I'm certain it does. Joey: And this is Room 381? A.J.: You betcha! Joey: And you can't tell me where to find A.J Moller? A.J.: I didn't say that. What I said was I didn't know where you could find HER. Him, I can point you directly to. I'm A.J Moller. That must make you (reading off a card) Potter comma Joseph. I guess our gender ambiguous names have fostered a precarious situation. Joey: To say the least. A.J.: Before you start crying and calling home, I promise to give you one of the beds. And if if you're really nice, I'll even leave the light on for ya. Joey: I'm not staying here. I mean, this is not what I signed up for, OK? I'm supposed to be spending the weekend with someone who's going to show me what college is like, tell me what to expect. Someone A.J.: With ovaries? Joey: Yeah. A.J.: Listen, Jo, Joseph? Joey: It's Josephine. Joey. A.J.: Joey, listen. This is what college is like. Guys and girls living together, mostly in harmony. I mean at Columbia, they even have co-ed bathrooms. And if you're not up for that, maybe you should be visiting women's colleges instead. Joey: (tossing her bag to the floor) Look, maybe you're right. There's really no reason two people of the opposite s*x can't spend one night together in the same room. A.J.: That's my girl. Now, if you don't mind, (with an Indian chief voice) Bigum college boy have important paper to write. Little high school girl take long walk around the campus. Joey: You're kicking me out? A.J.: You're kicking yourself out, so I can have two more hours of unadulterated silence. Joey: That's not A.J.: Careful, careful. Say 'fair' and you'll really be showing your age. Oh, and uh, Potter comma Joseph, shut the door on your way out. Otherwise I'm gonna have those idiot Econ majors playing Nerf basketball down the hall. (Joey grabs her bag and slams the door on her way out. Out on campus - Andie walks over to Jack who is reading a book. When he sees her approach, he hides the cover from her.) Andie: Hey, what you got? Jack: Uhh just uhh, you know, a guidebook to Boston. Andie: Oh. OK, tell me you are not going off in search of Thoreau's butt-print at Walden Pond? Jack: No, I hadn't planned on that. Andie: Hey, you know what you should do? I heard there's a really great art museum around here. You should go check it out. Jack: OK, maybe I will. Andie: OK. Well, I gotta go. Bye. Jack: See ya. (Once Andie is gone, Jack opens the book back up, reveal it to be "The Pink Pages" - a guide of homosexual entertainment and services. Admission's Office - Andie walks in and over to the Dean's secretary.) Andie: Hi. I'm Andie McPhee. Fran: (looking at a list of names on a sheet of paper) Mmm. Spell the last name, please. Andie: M-C-P-H-E-E. Fran: It says here that your appointment isn't until March. Either there's something wrong with my calendar, or you've got a very long wait. Andie: Well, uh, Mrs (looking at name plate on her desk) Boyd Fran: Call me Fran. Andie: Great. OK, well, my dad, Joseph McPhee, is an alumnus, class of '72. And he always said, if you want something badly enough, make sure you're first in line. Fran: A daddy's girl, huh? Me too, God rest his soul. Andie: So, you think maybe you could squeeze me in? Fran: Not a chance. Andie: But, uh, I just want five minutes with the Dean, that's all. Fran: The thing is, everyone else here has an appointment. Today. Andie: Uh-huh. Well, do you think something might open up? Fran: Would you cancel your university interview at the last minute? You see my point? (Andie walks off. Film Screen Auditorium - Dawson is sitting amongst all the other film applicants watching his Witch Island documentary. People scoff at it to each other, and criticize it amongst themselves. Dawson sits around awkwardly, realizing it's not going over well. When the film ends, only a couple people clap slowly.) Student: Been there, seen that. (to her friend) Where do you want to go eat? (An announcer gets up on stage as people stream out of the auditorium.) Announcer: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if anyone has any questions or comments, uh, the film maker will be glad to, uh, answer them for you. (Dawson sinks down into his seat.) Announcer: Mr Leery? (some people start to look around as Dawson prays to be swallowed whole by his seat) Dawson Leery, can you step up here please. (Dawson finally gives in and walks onto the stage.) Dawson: Hi (he speaks too loud and close to the mic so feedback echos through the auditorium.) Oops. (Some people laugh as the announcer whispers something in Dawson's ear.) Dawson: Sorry. Uh, I'm Dawson Leery. Um, does anyone, um, have any questions, or...? (He searches the faces in the crowd for any sort of reaction.) Girl: Yeah. Dawson: (relieved) Yes, question! Girl: Where's the Joey chick? Is she here? She is hot! (Outside the Auditorium - Dawson is walking off when Nikki stops him.) Nikki: Dawson. Are you all right? Dawson: (snapping at her) Fine. Nikki: These screenings, they can get pretty brutal when the lights come up. Dawson: I can handle that. I mean, so what if my movie's not hip enough to rouse the interest of these pseudo-intellectual art-house snobs. Nikki: On the bright side. At least no-one threw things. Dawson: Thank God for small favors. (he starts to leave.) Nikki: You are upset. Dawson: Wouldn't you be? Nikki: I'm sorry about what happened in there, I really am. But in light of The Blair Witch Project, I don't know what you were thinking. Dawson: What? Nikki: Riding the coat-tails of some absurdly successful cultural phenomenon is simply not gonna cut it. I mean Dawson: Before you eviscerate my work any further, why don't you at least tell me your name? Nikki: Nikki. Nikki Greene. Dawson: Nice to meet you, Nikki. Nikki: Take this Joey character for example. I mean, who is she, and and what does she mean to you? Are you friends? Lovers? What? Nothing was clear. More troubling was that you didn't seem to understand that that was the most interesting part of your story. Dawson: Well, aren't you perceptive? Nikki: Don't patronize me. I'm trying to give you an honest assessment here. Dawson: Well, excuse me, but it's not every day that I'm subjected to an unsolicited note session from Nikki: A volunteer? Paper-pusher? My position and altruism has to validate my opinion? Well next time I'll stick to what I know more carefully. (She walks off. At a bus stop - A bus pulls up and before Jack can climb aboard, two men holding hands climb aboard. Jack hesitates boarding because of this.) Driver: Well, are you in or out? (Jack boards the bus and sits. Cambridge Campus - Joey walks through campus and finds Dawson sitting on a bench. She joins him.) Joey: Dawson! Hey. Dawson: Hey. Joey: How'd the screening go? (Looks down, obviously upset.) Joey: Come on, it couldn't have been that bad, could it? Dawson: It was an unmitigated disaster. Joey: What do those hipper-than-thou film brats know anyway? Dawson: Maybe they're right. Joey: Come on. You don't mean that. Dawson: You know, maybe the problem with having such a big dream is... you never stop to question whether or not you have the talent to back it up. What if I I just simply don't have what it takes to be a great filmmaker? Joey: Dawson, I've been there from the beginning. To most people, movies are just a way of passing time, but I was there that day that that they became something more to you. The day you decided to pick up your parents camcorder and make a movie of your own. The day that you said for the first time out loud that you were going to be a film maker. I've had the privilege of watching you take this dream and make it a reality. And you know what? I'm really proud of you. (Joey puts her arm around Dawson. The Admission's Building - Andie sits waiting for Fran.) Fran: You. How'd you get in here? Andie: Janitor. Don't worry, I I didn't touch anything. But, I brought you dessert. Fran: (laughing) And I thought I'd seen it all. Andie: Well, I thought I'd be here, you know, in the off chance that Dean Hardgrove got back early, and then I could, well, you know... Fran: You've got chutzpah, I'll say that much for you. Andie: So, is he back yet? Fran: He's a notoriously late luncher. (Andie looks sad.) Fran: What's the matter? Andie: Nothing. Fran: Do you know how many kids I have? Seven. You know how many went to this university? Zero. Didn't seem to bother them much. Andie: So you don't think I'm gonna get in? Fran: Oh, I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out who they're gonna accept. Andie: So, you had seven kids? Fran: Two are doctors, um, one's an investment banker, whatever that is. The three girls are married and one didn't go to college. Plays horn in a jazz band downtown. Which do you think is happiest? Andie: OK, so what you're telling me is avoid medical school and Wall Street, don't get married, and... skip college. Fran: What I'm saying is whether or not you attend this distinguished university will have little or nothing to do with what kind of person you turn out to be, or whether you find fulfillment in your life. Andie: Hmm. Cambridge Lecture Hall - Joey sits among other students with A.J. enters and comes over to her.) A.J.: Freshman English, huh? A good one to visit. Joey: Don't tell me you're in this class? A.J.: Kinda. Joey: (reaching to move her bag off the seat next to her) You wanna sit? A.J.: Uh, no, I can't. Joey: So I, uh, I guess this professor's really late? A.J.: No, he's not coming. They do that a lot. And then some poor schmuck undergraduate teaching assistant has to come in and try to rally the troops for what's called (to the whole class) discussion session! (A.J. walks down to the teacher's desk and addresses the class.) A.J.: Hi, guys. Professor Taylor is at some semiotics conference in Seattle, so you're stuck with me, again. Now we have a lot of visiting high schoolers in our midst today, so I thought we'd take a break from our ongoing 'great books' discussion, and ask some of them what books they consider great. (pointing to Joey) How about you. In the cheap seats. Brown haired girl. Joey: What's my favorite book? A.J.: You read, don't you? Joey: Little Women. A.J.: Louisa May Allcott. Interesting. Now I haven't read that since I was... ten or so. As far as I remember it's sort of a less successful version of Jane Eyre. Something about a girl with a boy's name? Joey: The girls name is Jo. She has three sisters, a mother, a father who's usually not around and when he is he's very impractical, and he's not the greatest at providing the material things in life. A.J.: That's right. They're poor, but they have each other. And there's something to do with a boy next door. Yeah, it's all coming back to me. OK, so Little Women. Perennial American classic, yes, but great book? Worthy of inclusion in the literary canon? What do we think people? Student 1: No way. This book is completely anti-feminist in spirit. Student 2: I concur. I mean, the heroine supposedly burns with this artistic genius, but ultimately she gives up all of her dreams, gets married and starts popping out babies. Student 3: Alcott's a minor writer. Most of what she wrote, she wrote purely for money. A.J.: And what's the lesson here? That we can't say a book is great simply because we identify with the hero or heroine. (Joey is walking down the steps when A.J. catches up to her.) A.J.: Joey, wait. Joey: Why, so you can sic one of your little over-educated minions on me? Try again. A.J.: Admittedly we were a little harsh. Joey: I concur. A.J.: You said you wanted the college experience. Joey: Don't be so glib. What you did in there was insensitive. You hardly know me, A.J. Maybe I am just some naïve little high school girl, but I was actually looking forward to getting a a taste of the fun part of the college experience, not just that mean, bitter part. Do you spend so much time staring at that iBook that you've forgotten that part even existed? A.J.: Sorry. How about we start over? Give me chance to show you what college is really all about. What do you say? (Film Auditorium - everyone, including Dawson, is spellbound by the movie playing.) Guy: (to Dawson) Have you got any idea who shot this? It's on another level, is what I think. (As the film ends, the entire audience claps and cheers.) Announcer: Let's get the gifted young filmmaker up here, shall we? (Everyone stands and cheers as Nikki takes the stage. Dawson is embarrassed and confused.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Film Screening Lobby - Dawson walks over to Nikki who is getting candy out of the vending machine.) Nikki: Dawson! Dawson: Hey. Nikki: I need a sugar fix after all stressful experiences. (taking the candy from the vending well) Finally. Dawson: Stressful? Come on, that was a love-fest. Nikki: Don't sound so overjoyed. Dawson: Don't be falsely modest. Nikki: If it had been the other way around, I would have enjoyed your success. Dawson: So you're not only a better film maker than I am, you're a better person. Nikki: Look, can we start over again? Dawson: Yeah, lets. Nikki: So, what did you think of my film? Really. Constructive criticism only, please. Dawson: I, uh, I thought your film was was technically accomplished. Nikki: Technically accomplished. That sounds like a nice dismount off the balance beam. Dawson: Well, it's better than derivative. Or unclear. Or not understanding your own material. Nikki: OK. Maybe I was a little insensitive in my comments. I'm sorry. Dawson: Duly noted. Now, you never mentioned, before, that you were entered in this film festival. Why not? Nikki: I don't lead with my chin, Dawson. You can get hurt that way. Dawson: That you can. Well, um, you seem to have really knocked them dead. Congratulations. (Dawson walks off. In an outdoor Patio - Fran and Andie sit drinking coffee.) Andie: I think I'm gonna write about her. Fran: For your application essay? Andie: 'Who's the one person who influenced you most, and why?' Fran: You should. It might help you organize your thoughts about her. Andie: I remember one day, it was about six months after the accident, I found her by a creek. She was just sitting in the water, her blouse was soaking wet and... her hair was flustered in strands across her face. It was like she didn't know where to go or what to do. I don't think I'll forget that image as long as I live. Fran: Do you mind if I lay a dose of truth on you? Andie: Sure. After I spoke my deepest, darkest secrets, why not? Fran: One. Always wear sensible shoes. If your feet are killing you, you can't think straight. Andie: (smiles) OK. And two? Fran: Let yourself off the hook for things over which you have no control. Just because your mother couldn't get past your brother's death, doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up for making peace with it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be sticking my big nose in. Andie: No, no, I was just thinking something. Maybe when your mom starts to lose her mind, you sort of do to, you know, as a way of trying to understand what she's going through. This is so weird, I mean incredible even, that I'm sitting here, in Cambridge with Fran: A sixty year old, career secretary? Well, one thing I learned a long time ago life can surprise you, in a thousand different ways. (Cambridge Hallway - A.J. and Joey walk along.) Joey: You know, as much as I appreciate you willingness to spend time with me, I've gotta ask, where are we going? A.J.: You'll see. (A.J. takes Joey into some room with a lot of books.) Joey: OK, what is this place? A.J.: A rare book and manuscript library. Joey: Are we supposed to be in here? A.J.: What's the matter? You afraid the library police are gonna come snatch us up? I wanted to show you something. (A.J. pulls a box down from a high shelf.) Joey: What? A.J.: Have a seat. (They both sit at the table as A.J. pulls something out of the box.) A.J.: Look at this. Joey: Little Women? A.J.: Not quite. The book we know today as Little Women was originally published in two separate volumes. This is just the first. It's Louisa May Allcott's very own copy. Go ahead, look at it. Carefully. Let's see what this favorite book of yours has to offer. (Joey looks at the book in awe. She flips through it, stopping at a page.) Joey: This is the part where Jo and Meg go to Mrs. Gardiner's party. (reading from the book) 'Jo saw a big red-headed youth approach her corner, and fearing he meant to engage her, she slipped into a curtained recess. She found herself face to face with the Lawrence boy'. A.J.: (reading) "Don't mind me, stay if you like." Joey: "Shan't I disturb you?" A.J.: "Not a bit. I only came here because I don't know many people and felt rather strange at first, you know?" Joey: "So did I. Don't go away please, Sir, unless you'd rather." A.J.: 'The boy sat down again and looked at his boots. "How's your cat, Miss March?"' Joey: "Nicely, thank you, Mr. Lawrence. But I ain't Miss March, I'm only Jo." (Joey closes the book and hands it to him.) Joey: My mom used to read it to me. That's why she named me Josephine. It was her favorite book. A.J.: Was? Joey: She passed away. A.J.: I'm sorry to hear that. Joey: I guess that's why I read it. And re-read it. 'Cause when I do, it's it's like she's with me. A.J.: So so it's like a friend, the book? Joey: Yeah. Exactly. A.J.: Well, you can never have too many friends, Potter, comma, Joseph. Joey: Sooo, Miss A.J Moller, what is your favorite book? Some ponderous tone by Heroditis? A.J.: Are you ready for this? 'The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe'. Joey: Well that sounds rather infantile. A.J.: Entirely. But, like all the best things in life, simple, sweet... magical. (A Gay Bar - Jack walks in hesitantly and sees all these guys dancing together. He notices someone looking at him and heads over to the bar.) Bartender: Hey, what can I get you? Jack: Uh, I I, um, I guess I Guy: My guess is he can't handle much more than a beer. Make that two. Jack: Oh oh no, you you don't have to do that Guy: It's OK, I wanted to. Jack: Thanks. Guy: You're adorable. (Jack can't make eye contact.) Guy: You're shy, right? Well let's just start all over, OK? You're not adorable, and I am not attracted to you. Would you like to go somewhere else? I mean, this really probably isn't your scene. We we could just talk, OK? Maybe, I don't know, get to know each other a little better, and (As the guy turns to grab the beers, Jack rushes out of the bar.) (Film Screening Auditorium - the award ceremony is under way.) Announcer: Our second-place finalist is... Windscape, David Steiner. (The crowd applauds as David goes up to accept his award. Nikki is smiling, obviously confident that she's won.) Announcer: And now, in first place, the award goes to... Tommy and Moe, Carl and Michael Biggins. (The crowd applauds as Carl and Michael go up to accept their award. Nikki looks upset and rushes out of the room. Dawson follows her.) Dawson: Nikki. Nikki: What now? Time to rub salt in the wound? Dawson: You were robbed. Nikki: Excuse me? Dawson: I saw every single film at the festival and yours was the best, hand's down. Nikki: Let's dispense with the mock compassion, shall we? Dawson: There's nothing mock about it, Nikki. It's a simple fact. Nikki: If it's OK with you, I'd like to be alone right now. Dawson: How can you be so upset about this? Nikki: Like your failure didn't affect you? Dawson: Point taken. But there's a huge difference between what happened to me and what happened to you. Nikki: And what's that? Dawson: Well I learned that I have to dig deeper, and and reveal more of myself in my work if I'm going to make a film that's worth anything. You learned that film festivals don't necessarily award the meritorious. Nikki: I wanted to win, Dawson. Dawson: Nikki. Your film just wasn't technically brilliant, OK? It was inspired. It inspired me. It it made me remember why I got into film in the first place. Not to win festivals, not for glory, but to reach people. And you did, you made them laugh, you moved them. No matter what happens to me, I'm not gonna give up until I reach that goal. Nikki: You really liked my movie? Dawson: Yeah. I really liked your movie. (Train Station - Andie and Dawson meet up as they walk to the train platform.) Dawson: Are we the first ones here? Andie: Yeah, it looks like it. Dawson: So did you get your interview? Andie: Yeah, I did. Not the one I expected, but maybe the one I needed. Dawson: Pray, tell. Andie: Oh, long story short, I had this chance encounter that yielded a little clarity. How about you? Did you get what you came here for? Dawson: Yeah. I did. Also in a most unexpected way. Andie: Hmm. I think that's what screws us up the most. Dawson: What? Andie: It's like you get this picture in your head of the way things should be, and and you end up closing yourself off to some of the wonder and serendipity of the actual experience. Dawson: Who was this chance encounter with, Deepak Chopra? Andie: Yeah, something like that. (On the train - Jack is sitting by himself, but obviously saving the seat next to him and two opposite for Joey, Dawson and Andie. Someone approaches.) Ethan: Are these seats taken? Jack: Uh, yeah, I'm kinda saving them for some friends. Ethan: No problem, say no more. (he continues on, looking for a seat.) Jack: Actually, you know what? Um, it's cool. I don't even know if they're coming. Ethan: You sure? Jack: Yeah, positive. (Ethan puts his bag in the overhead and sits across from Jack.) Ethan: Do me a favor? Wake me up when we get to Capeside. Jack: You're going to Capeside? Ethan: Yep. Jack: Me too. (On the Train - Dawson walks through a compartment when suddenly a voice calls to him.) Nikki: Hey porter, is that uh, decaf or 'caf? Dawson: Nikki! Hey. What are you doing here? Nikki: I'm doing the divorced-kid shuffle. Mom's a techie, she's been transferred to Chicago, so I'm going to co-habitate with my dad. Dawson: I know that drill. My parents just got divorced. Nikki: Sucks, doesn't it? Dawson: Hmm-mm. I mean, I guess, you know, it's for the best and everything, you know, it was just a really long, drawn out long battle that Nikki: If it's for the best, then why do I still fell so lousy? Dawson: Yeah. Nikki: Yeah. Dawson: So, um, where does your father live? Nikki: Um, a place called Capeside. Dawson: You're kidding? Nikki: No, he's a- a high school principal there. Dawson: What? Wait a minute. Your father's Principal Greene? Nikki: Do not tell me that you go to school there? (They both laugh.) Dawson: This is too weird. Nikki: What are the chances? Dawson: Wow. Um, so Mr. Jordan, he's the film teacher and his film lab is actually really full. I had to beg, lie, and steal just to get in. But you know, I think I have some pull with him. Nikki: I'm already in. Dawson: What? Nikki: We've been e-mailing each other. He's been giving me this sort of, uh, private tutorial. Dawson: OK. I wasn't aware that he did that sort of thing. Nikki: You can handle a little friendly competition, can't you? (Jack talks with Ethan.) Jack: Bingham, Breely, and Buckingham? Ethan: It's a prep school. Jack: Sounds more like a law firm. Ethan: Huh. Sometimes it feels like one. But in the main, I'm just happy to be out of claustrophobic Capeside. Jack: So what brings you back? Ethan: Heartbreak. I need a little parental TLC, some chicken soup, and the comfort of my childhood bed. Jack: A long relationship? Ethan: Two years. It feels like a divorce, I swear. Not to mention that I see him everyday at school. (Jack stops suddenly.) Ethan: It's like we've broken up but still living together. What's the matter, I get under the 'gaydar'? That's what everyone says, I'm the straightest gay guy they know. What about you? Jack: What about me? Ethan: Can people tell right away? Jack: How can you tell? I mean, is it is it that obvious? Ethan: Actually, yeah. I mean, not in a raging queen way, but more in a... Jack: More in a what way? Ethan: A babe in the woods, newbie way. Jack: Newbie? Ethan: Any sweet, inexperienced young gay man destined for broken hearts. Jack: You make it sound so inviting. Ethan: Well, let's face it, most guys are clueless. Jack: How do you mean? Ethan: You'll see Hey, what's your name, anyway? Jack: Jack. Jack McPhee. Ethan: (shaking hands with Jack) Ethan. It's nice to meet you. (On the Train Platform - A.J. walks Joey out.) A.J.: I hope I didn't keep you up all night. Joey: You talked for eight hours about Ulysses. A.J.: Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's hard to get that teaching assistance stuff out of your head. Especially when you're really passionate about something, you know, 'cause then your inner geek just runs wild. So what about you Joey Potter. What are you passionate about? What do you ache for? Joey: I don't know. I mean, I wish I did... A.J.: But? Joey: Well, for the past couple of years my life has kind of revolved around this boy. How pathetic is that? A.J.: But, you guys aren't together? Joey: No. A.J.: Do you know what a manifold is? (Joey shakes her head no.) A.J.: It's a math thing. It's hard to explain. But, imagine yourself shrunk to the size of a pin point sitting on the surface of a doughnut. Look around you and it looks like you're sitting on a- a flat disk, right? But go down one dimension and sit on a curve, and suddenly it looks like a a straight line. Joey: You kinda lost me somewhere around the doughnut. A.J.: In other words, the way something appears from afar might be quite different from the way it appears to your near-sighted eye. Joey: So in order for me to figure things out, I should get myself some distance? A.J.: Take your face out of the iBook. Look, would it be alright if I were to, you know, phone you sometime? Joey: (shrugs) Well, it wouldn't suck. A.J.: OK. Joey: You got a pen? A.J.: (takes one out of his pocket) Oh. Yeah. Do do do you have a piece of paper? Joey: Um (checks pockets), no. A.J.: (disappointed) Oh. (Joey takes his hand and rights her number on it. He goes to offer his hand - to shake - but since Joey wrote on his right hand, they use their left instead.) Joey: Bye. A.J.: Bye. (As Joey boards the train, Dawson and Nikki are walking through.) Dawson: Joey! Hey, this is, uh, Nikki. Nikki, Joey. Nikki: Hi. Nice to meet you. Dawson: She's going to our school. (Joey looks back at A.J they wave at each other. Dawson notices.) Dawson: Who's that? Joey: My roommate. (Joey walks through as Nikki follows. Dawson gives A.J. one last look. Back at Capeside - Joey and Dawson are lying on his bed.) Dawson: Is it just me, or is the prospect of going to college seem a lot larger? Joey: I know what you mean. Is it the light at the end of the tunnel, or is it an oncoming semi? Dawson: Or is it both? Joey: Well, it's definitely going to take some getting used to. Dawson: Hmm. Do you ever have one those moments when you kind of just realize that the world has snuck up and completely blind-sided you? I've been thinking about a career in fast food. 'Welcome to Taco Bell, can I take your order?' It kind of just rolls off the tongue. Joey: Dawson, everything in life is not just about winning. I mean, you have to find joy in the process, you have to love what it is that you do. Dawson: Good point. Which begs the question, what, uh, life lesson did you stumble upon this weekend? Joey: Well. Well, college to me has always been about getting the hell out of Capeside, right? Dawson: Right. Joey: Well now I'm thinking that it could be more than that. I mean, it's scary, sure, but it's a world full of these deeply passionate people. I mean, people who get excited about books and ideas and theories and... it kind of excited me. Dawson: (gravely) My suspicions have been confirmed. Joey: What do you mean? Dawson: That you are a really... big geek. Joey: So is it just me, or or does this room seem a lot smaller all of a sudden? Dawson: Really? (Joey nods) I was kinda thinking it seemed... safe. Joey: (getting up to leave) I'll see ya, Dawson. Dawson: See ya, Jo. (Joey leaves through the window. The End.)

Dawson, Joey, Jack and Andie spend the weekend at a Boston university for an advance look at college life. Dawson enters his "Witch Island" documentary in a student film festival. He is later stunned when it doesn't get the reaction he was hoping for. Elsewhere on campus, due to a clerical error, Joey's weekend guide is not what she expected. Andie's pursuit for an advanced admissions interview leads her to some inspirational advice from an unlikely source, and Jack takes a risk and explores the local gay community. Dawson encounters another young filmmaker, Nikki Green, who coincidentally turns out to be his principal's daughter.

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[Scene: P3. Night. Piper and Phoebe are sitting at the bar. Paige walks up to the bar and sits down.] Piper: Paige, where you been? You're late. Paige: I know, I'm sorry, I got tied up. Phoebe: Where? At Richard's? Paige: No. I was at work. Get your mind out of the gutter, missy. Phoebe: Hey, you're the one who orbs home to find lingerie. (Phoebe laughs.) Paige: Two times, I did that twice. Piper: Yes, it's about the only time we see you anymore. Paige: Why did I come here? To get picked on? Phoebe: Because we love you. Piper: I kinda miss ya. Paige: I am not at Richard's that much. Fine, okay, maybe I am. But, you know I am just an orb away if you need help. Piper: Yeah, the thing is we've just gotta be careful because if we stray too far away from each other, demons take advantage. We've learned that lesson the hard way a few times. Paige: I know, I know, I get it. I just really don't want to think of us living together in fifty years. Piper: Ah, twenty, thirty years tops. Phoebe: We can always move to Hong Kong so I could see Jason whenever I want to. Piper: How do you say dream on in Chinese? Phoebe: Ni Tsai Tsua Mung. Piper: Impressive. Phoebe: Berlitz. Okay, what about you, missy? Spill it. Piper: Spill what? Phoebe: Come on, you and Greg. Put out any fires lately? Piper: Is that supposed to be a subtle fireman reference? Phoebe: Yeah, you like it? Paige: Wait a minute, you're going out with a fire fighter? Piper: Proof positive, you haven't been around much. Phoebe: Let's see. They've been seeing each other for about three weeks and someone, I won't say who, (whispers loudly) although it's not the fireman, is avoiding taking it to the next step. Piper: I am not avoiding, I'm just a little reluctant. That's all. Paige: My dear, it is time to get back in the saddle. Piper: Now a cowboy reference. Phoebe: Piper, you just need to relax and let it happen. Piper: Yeah, easy for you to say, you weren't the one sleeping with an angel for three years. Phoebe: Yeah, but you were nervous when you and Leo first started, you know. I seem to remember that you used to freeze him during all the good parts, right? Hey, maybe you should, uh... Piper: No, I'm not freezing Greg. I'm so nervous I'll probably blow him up. Phoebe: Well... Piper: Gutter, gutter, gutter. (Phoebe laughs. Chris walks up to them.) Chris: What are you guys talking about? Phoebe: Stuff. (He starts to walk away.) Paige: Hey, where are you going? Chris: I gotta go work on the next demon... stration. Phoebe: Chris, why don't you relax and come have a drink with us? Chris: Thanks, but I didn't come here to relax. (Chris walks away.) Phoebe: That is one bitchy Whitelighter. Piper: You're telling me. Paige: Hey, Piper, why don't you go talk to the guilt machine over there. [Cut to the back room. Chris walks in and turns on the light. A girl about Chris's age is there. He closes the door.] Chris: Bianca. (He walks over to her.) I don't understand. What are you doing here? Bianca: Shh, there'll be time to explain later. But for now... (She runs her finger down his chest. She has a red symbol on her wrist. She reaches into his chest and starts draining his powers. Piper walks in.) Piper: You know, all work and no, hey! (Bianca pulls her hand out of his chest and creates an energy ball. Piper blows her up. Chris drops to the floor.) Are you okay? Chris: Yeah, I think so. Piper: What happened? Who is she? Chris: I don't know. [Cut to an alley outside P3. A small tornado appears and forms into Bianca. She looks back at P3 and then shimmers out.] Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris are there. Piper and Paige are looking through the Book of Shadows. Paige points to a symbol in the book.] Paige: Is that the mark? Piper: No, it looked more like a bird. Paige: A bird. So you're saying maybe the Audubon society sent the demon after us? Piper: Just keep looking. Chris: Guys, I'm telling you I'm fine, don't sweat it. Leo: You sure she wasn't a Darklighter? Piper: I'm sure. Phoebe: What else would be after a Whitelighter? Leo: I don't know, that's what worries me. Chris: She's gone. Piper blew her away, what's the big deal? Phoebe: The big deal is someone tried to kill you, Chris. Chris: Look at me, not a scratch, nothing. Leo: You know, how did she get that close to you, anyway, if you didn't even know who she was? (Chris takes a step and the floor boards squeak.) Chris: We really oughta fix that, you know. Leo: Come on, Chris, who's after you? Chris: Has it crossed your mind that maybe she wasn't after me? Maybe she was trying to get to them. Paige: It kind of makes sense. Chris: Finally, somebody's listening. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some work to take care of. (Chris leaves the room.) Leo: He's not telling the truth. Paige: Leo, maybe there's nothing to tell. Leo: Could you sense anything? Phoebe: From Chris? No, I can never sense anything from him. Piper: What are you thinking? Leo: I'm thinking that if we can figure out who she was, we might be able to find out who Chris is. Paige: Well, we're not gonna find it in here. At least not until we have more to go on. So guys, you know where I'm gonna be if you need me. (Paige heads for the door.) Phoebe: Yeah, I gotta go too. (Phoebe heads for the door.) Leo: Wait, you're just gonna let them go? Piper: What do you want me to say? They have lives too. Besides, what more can we do? Leo: We can try to figure out who the demon is and make sure nobody else is after him. (The doorbell rings.) I'll get it. You just keep checking on the book, okay? Piper: No, Leo, really, I'd rather you... (He orbs out.) [Cut to the foyer. Leo orbs in and opens the door. Greg, the fireman, stands there.] Leo: Can I help you? Greg: Uh, yeah, is Piper home? Leo: Uh, who's asking? Greg: I'm Greg, she's expecting me. (Piper walks in with her coat on and carrying her purse.) Piper: Uh, Leo, I got it. Sorry, I'm running a little late. Greg: Leo? Is he your, uh... Piper: Yeah, one in the same. Leo, Greg, Greg, Leo. (They shake hands.) Greg: Nice to finally meet you. Leo: Thanks. Finally. Piper: So you're gonna be okay taking care of everything? Wyatt and Chris? Leo: Uh, yeah, absolutely. Really, everything will be fine. If anything comes up I'll call you. Piper: Okay, thanks, good night. (Piper and Greg leave.) [Cut to the bathroom. Chris is looking in the mirror. He opens his shirt to reveal a large wound on his chest. He pulls a ring out of his pocket.] [Scene: Future. A park. The city around the park is pretty much destroyed. Chris and Bianca are there. Chris is proposing to Bianca. He slips the ring on her finger.] Chris: Will you marry me? Bianca: You're asking me now? Chris: Mm-hm. Bianca: Here? Chris: This is still our spot, Bianca. No matter what he's done to it. Marry me. Bianca: On one condition. You come back to me, safely. Chris: Have I ever let you down before? (They kiss.) Bianca: What's that? (A flying object hovers over them and shines a light in Bianca's eyes.) Chris. (Chris uses telekinetic powers and throws the object against a brick wall and smashes it.) Chris: Are you okay? Bianca: Yeah, yeah, I don't think it had time to transmit. Chris: Aagghh! I can not believe he's sending probes after us now. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch. Bianca: No, no you're not. You're gonna stick to the plan. Chris: But he knows. Bianca: If he knew he wouldn't have sent the probe. You have to go back, Chris. It's the only way to stop them. It's the only way to change all this. [Scene: Manor. Bathroom. Chris is still there. He sighs.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Richard's house. Bedroom. Paige is in bed. Richard walks in carrying a tray with breakfast on it.] Richard: Morning. (Paige sits up.) Paige: Wow. Richard: Wow. One of the most powerful witches in the world and all you can say is wow. Paige: I don't know, maybe I just need a little more inspiration. (They kiss.) Richard: Well? Paige: I, um, still think wow pretty much covers it. You'd better be careful because a girl could get used to this. Richard: That's the plan. Did you tell your sisters you were moving out? No. Paige: Look, it just, it hasn't really been the right time. Things have been a little funky and... Richard: There's never a right time. Paige: You don't understand. Piper will probably blow a major gasket and then we've got family obligations and like it or not, we're stronger together. Richard: You gotta do something for you. (Paige's cell phone rings.) Can I get that? (Paige nods. Richard gets the phone off the side table and hands it to Paige.) Paige: It's the house. Hello? [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Leo and Wyatt are there. Leo is looking at the Book of Shadows. Paige orbs in.] Leo: Paige, when I said I needed you, I meant a fully clothed you. Paige: Oh, please, Leo. What's the big emergency? Leo: What would you say if I told you whoever attacked Chris was called a Phoenix? Paige: Well, I would say what's a Phoenix and then you'd probably tell me. Leo: They're a family of assassin witches who are very elite, very powerful and who were born with a distinct birthmark symbolising the rise from Salem's ashes. Paige: Well, does the book say what they want? (Leo shows Paige the book.) Leo: Just whatever bounty they're after, which in this case is Chris. Which means they're still after him. They won't stop until they succeed. Paige: Did you call Phoebe and Piper? Leo: No, Phoebe's at work and Piper came in kind of late so I didn't want to disturb her. Paige: Oh. Did she, um, come home alone? Leo: I don't know. (Piper walks in.) Piper: Hey. Talking about me? Leo: Morning, hi, no. (Leo hands Wyatt to Piper.) Uh, listen, Wyatt's been fed and I'm gonna get some coffee and Paige'll fill you in. (Leo leaves the room.) Piper: What's going on? Paige: Oh, Leo just found out that a coven of assassin witches called the Phoenix are after Chris. Piper: So that's what you guys were talking about? Paige: Yeah... in the beginning and then I just kind of asked him if you maybe came home with anybody. Piper: I see. Paige: Did you? Oh, come on, if a girl can't ask that what can a girl ask? Piper: Actually, uh, no. Paige: I'm sorry, maybe he's just not the right guy. Piper: No, it's not Greg, it's just me. It's just weird now that I'm a mum, I feel like I'm betraying Wyatt some how. Paige: I think you're just betraying yourself. Piper: Yeah, I know, it's just weird. So, uh, coven of assassin witches? Paige: Yeah. Piper: Maybe we should call Phoebe. Paige: No, I think we can do this by ourselves, I don't think you have to bother her. Piper: Well, what if we need the power of three after we find them? Paige: Well, you didn't need the power of three to blow up the last one. Piper: No, but... Paige: So we need to try out this whole power of two thing, learn how to be flexible, right? So you stay here, I'm gonna go get the scrying crystal. (Paige leaves the room.) Piper: Hm. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.] Elise: Phoebe, I offered you the time off. Take it. Go see Jason in Hong Kong. Phoebe: It's just another airport, another city. Elise: You could always send in the column. Email, fax machine. It's the twenty-first century and I'd like to welcome you to it. When I say take time, I don't mean a vacation. Go live there for a while, give it a shot. Phoebe: Elise, I... Elise: No, I want you to listen to me. It's time I gave you some advice for once. Don't let it be work. Phoebe: What do you mean? Elise: There's a whole generation of women out there who followed the dream, built successful careers, but at the expense of everything else. Now I'm not saying I think they all made mistakes because some of them are very happy. But some of us aren't. Trust me, you don't wanna wake up one day and realise that all you've got is your career. [Scene: An apartment. A woman answers the door. Piper and Paige are standing there.] Piper: Hi, how's it going? Woman: Can I help you? Piper: Hopefully. Paige: Yeah, see, we just moved in from outer state and we wanted to get to know our neighbours. Woman: Oh, well, welcome. Where did you move from? Piper: Phoenix. Woman: Really. Please, come in, come in. Paige: Thank you. (Piper and Paige walk into the apartment. The woman closes the door and locks it.) Piper: Wow, nice place. Paige: Yeah, real nice. Woman: Thank you. (A little girl runs in.) Girl: Mummy, mummy, mummy, can I play with...? Woman: Bianca, sweetie, can you give mummy a minute, okay? (Piper and Paige see the red birthmark on the girl's wrist.) Bianca: Okay. Woman: Go and play with your toys. I'll be right in, okay? Bianca: Okay. (The woman takes the girl to her room.) Paige: Now what? (The woman turns around and throws an energy ball at the girls. It flies past them and hits the wall. Piper blows the woman up.) Piper: The kid. (They go into the girl's room and the woman reforms.) Woman: Hurry, Bianca. (She grabs the girl and shimmers out.) Paige: They can reform? Piper: Apparently, which means the one that attacked Chris can too. [Scene: Park. It's the same park as in the future but it's a lot nicer now. Chris orbs in slowly and sits down on a bench. Bianca walks out from behind a statue.] Bianca: You really shouldn't try to orb anymore, you know. It could kill you. Chris: Is that what you want? Bianca: If that's what I wanted you'd already be dead. All I want is to bring you back. Chris: How'd you know I'd be here? Bianca: Same reason you'd know I'd be waiting here. This is still our spot, isn't it? Chris: No. This is what we hoped it would be. This is what we were trying to preserve for our future. Do you remember? Bianca: We were naive to think we could change anything, to stop him. Chris: You don't believe that. Or at least you didn't. Bianca: Well, I do now. Chris: What happened to you, Bianca? How did he turn you back? Bianca: That's not important. What is important is I was interrupted in stripping you of your powers. And if I don't finish what I started, you'll die soon. Think of it as an infection, and I'm the only one with the antidote. Chris: Here or there, I am dead anyway. Bianca: No. He gave me his word he wouldn't hurt you. Please, Chris, don't make this any harder than it has to be. (Chris orbs out and she tries to catch him.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there.] Phoebe: Wait, how old is the little girl? Piper: I don't know, four, five? (Chris orbs in and falls to the floor.) Paige: Chris! Chris: Bianca. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Leo and Chris are there. Chris is laying on the couch. Leo unbuttons Chris's shirt to reveal the large wound on his chest.] Phoebe: Oh my god, what is that? Leo: I don't know. Piper: It doesn't matter, just heal him. (Leo starts to heal Chris.) Paige: Why didn't he tell us about that? Piper: Why doesn't he tell us about a lot of things? (Leo frowns.) What's the problem? Leo: He's not healing. Something's draining his powers and blocking mine. It's like a virus. Piper: A virus named Bianca. Phoebe: You think she did this? Piper: It's gotta be. Paige: Yeah, but it doesn't explain why she would come back from the future just to kill him. Piper: Well, somebody had to have sent her, she's a hired gun. Phoebe: Well, we have to find her to save him. Figure out what she did... (She senses something.) Whoa. Leo: What is it? (Phoebe moves closer to Chris.) Phoebe: Oh my god, he loves her. Paige: Loves who? Bianca? Phoebe: Yeah. She broke his heart. (Phoebe looks in Chris's hand and finds a ring.) Engagement ring. Paige: Obviously an acrimonious split. Piper: Well, at least we have something to scry for her now. You guys work on the vanquishing potion in case she's not in the mood to help. Chris: Bianca. Bianca. [Scene: Future. Manor. A tour guide is showing people around the house.] Tour Guide: Welcome to the Halliwell memorial museum. A tribute to magic and of course, the Charmed Ones. Please remember there is no digi-capturing, no holographing and most certainly no magic allowed while inside the museum. That's a big one. Don't worry about those probes, folks, they're merely scanning for witches. Now, as we pass through the foyer, note the family portraits hanging on the walls. (The people walk through the house. Chris and Bianca walk behind them. Chris waves his arm at the probes and they turn away from them.) Bianca: Nicely done. Tour Guide: Around here you'll notice just a few of the many mythological creatures the legendary sisters transformed into in their demon fighting hayday. (The sisters' superhero outfits are on mannequins and also Phoebe's mermaid outfit.) Actually, the Charmed Ones were responsible for well over a thousand demon vanquishes before they were finally vanquished themselves. Now, the time is twenty-five years ago. Imagine yourselves standing here on this floor when the Charmed Ones were reborn. (A holograph appears in the centre of the room of Piper, Phoebe and Paige in "Charmed Again" where the Power of Three is united again.) Paige: (in holograph) Okay, what was that? Leo: (in holograph) I think that means you're supposed to be here. (In the holograph, Shax barges through the door and knocks the girls down. The crowd gasps. The tour guide turns off the holograph.) Tour Guide: Scares them every time. Okay, let's head over to the kitchen where many of the sisters' classic potions were brewed. Some of which are available from purchase in the gift shop on the way out. (They all move into the kitchen.) Of course, the attic was the preferred spot for potion making, principally because that's where they kept the famed Book of Shadows. Which is where we're headed next. A little background on the manor itself, it was actually... (Everyone leaves the kitchen except Chris and Bianca. A guard shimmers in.) Guard: Hey, you two, move along. Bianca: Wait for it. (The guard moves closer to them and a dagger materialises in Bianca's hand.) Guard: Are you deaf? I said... (Bianca stabs him in the stomach and vanquishes him. Bianca walks over to the basement door.) Bianca: Come on. [Cut to the basement. They walk down the stairs. Bianca's dagger disappears.] Bianca: We should be safe here until the museum closes. Then we'll go get the book. (She looks at Chris.) What's the matter? Chris: Nothing. It's just sometimes I forget who you really are. Bianca: Hey. (She pulls him closer.) You mean who I used to be, Chris. Before I met you. Chris: So what do we do now? Bianca: We say goodbye. (She takes off her top and they kiss.) [Scene: Apartment. Biana walks over to a cupboard and starts searching through it. The woman shimmers in.] Woman: Who are you and what do you want? Bianca: Where's the Grimoire? (The woman creates an energy ball.) Woman: One more time. Who are you? Bianca: Who do you think I am? (She holds up her wrist to show the birthmark.) Mother. Woman: Bianca. (The energy ball disappears.) Bianca: In the flesh. Now where's the Grimoire? I have to get the Charmed Ones off my tail fast, I need a spell to do it. Woman: I don't understand, how is this possible? Bianca: Look, I don't have time for reunions, okay? And I'm not about to make the same mistake a thousand other demons have made. Now where's the damn book! (The woman waves her hand and the Grimoire appears on a table.) Thanks. (She picks it up.) Do you know where the inhibitions spell is? Woman: How is that gonna help? Bianca: Look, I know the Charmed Ones, I studied their history. This is when they all want their separate lives. If I can release their inhibitions, maybe I can get them to pursue them. Woman: The spell won't last long. Bianca: It doesn't have to. Just long enough to distract them so I can get what I came for. (She rips a page out of the book.) Got it. Thanks. Woman: Wait, do you have to leave so soon? Can't I help? Bianca: Yeah. Someday when I ask you what it feels like to kill, don't lie to me. Don't tell me you don't feel a thing. (She shimmers out.) [Scene: Manor. Living room. Leo and Chris are there. Chris is laying on the couch. Leo is dabbing Chris's forehead with a towel. Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk in.] Leo: Hang in there, buddy. Piper: We found Bianca, she's at her mother's. Leo: Little Bianca? Piper: No, the one we want. Here, something for Chris to remember her by. Or not. (Piper hands Leo the ring.) Paige: Got the vanquishing potion so after we orb over there, I'm gonna... (A blue light washes over the girls.) Leo: You're gonna what? Paige: I'm gonna move into Richard's house. Piper: Are you? Good for you. Phoebe: That's a great idea. And I think I'm gonna go check out what's going on in Hong Kong. Paige: Cool. Leo: Hang on a second, this isn't you guys. You must be under some kind of spell, you have to fight this. Phoebe: How can you fight your heart? Piper: Or your hormones. Paige: Yeah. Phoebe: Will you drop me off on the way to Richard's? Paige: I would love to. Leo: Paige, Phoebe, listen to me. Phoebe: Zay jen. (Paige orbs out with Phoebe.) Piper: Hm. (Piper leaves the room.) Chris: (mumbles) What do I tell them? [Scene: Future. Manor. Attic. Chris and Bianca walk in.] Bianca: Don't tell them anything. Just stick to your cover story. The less they know about the future, the better. Chris: But what if they find out who I really am? Bianca: They won't. Not as long as you can pass yourself off as their Whitelighter. Chris: And you're sure I won't lose my powers when I go back? Bianca: Not with this spell, that's why we need it. Look, just remember, protect baby Wyatt and you protect the Charmed Ones. Keep them alive for our future. Chris: Great. No pressure there. Bianca: Chris, you know you're the only one who can do this. You're the only one who can save us. Chris: If I make it back. Bianca: Baby, you have to make it back. If you wanna marry me. (They kiss.) Chris: You really know how to motivate a guy, you know that? (They walk over to a holograph of the Book of Shadows.) Bianca: You sure you can summon the real book? Chris: Yeah. Bianca: Away from him? Chris: Yeah. But we won't have much time once it gets here. His demons will be all over us. Bianca: I won't need much time. Just long enough to send you back to them. (Bianca walks over to a wall and starts drawing on it with chalk.) [Scene: Present. Manor. Living room. Chris is still laying on the couch.] Chris: (mumbling) Hurry, before he finds us. Leo: Paige, Phoebe, get back here right now, that's an order. (Piper walks in all dressed up.) Piper: Wyatt's sleeping and the monitor's in the kitchen. Leo: Piper, but you can't go anywhere. What about Chris? Piper: Wish me luck. (Piper leaves. Bianca shimmers in and kicks Leo in the head. She goes over to Chris.) Bianca: Come on, we're going home. (She shimmers out with him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Fire Station. Piper and Greg are laying on top of a fire engine, making out.] Greg: Wait, hold it. Piper: Why? Greg: Because I just wanna make sure that you're sure about this. Piper: What's the matter? Am I not acting sure? Greg: Yeah, it's just that, well, you've been a little reluctant until now, and I guess I'm just curious why the change. Piper: Um, who knows? Who cares? All I know is I want... (Leo orbs in.) Oh my god! (Piper freezes Greg.) What, are you out of your mind? What are you, a peeping Elder now? (Leo throws a potion at Piper.) What's going on? What am I doing here? Um, what are you doing here? Leo: Counteracting a spell that Bianca apparently cast on you. Piper: What kind of spell? Leo: One that lowers your inhibitions. (Piper laughs.) Piper: Oh, boy. Leo: Yeah, yeah. Piper: So did she get Chris? Leo: Yeah, and I'm hoping that if we can break the spell on Phoebe and Paige, we might be able to get Chris back. Piper: Right, uh-huh, okay, so let's go. Um, you need to turn around because you don't get to see anymore. [Scene: Richard's house. Bedroom. Paige and Richard are making out under the covers. Piper and Leo orb in.] Piper: Hi, how's it going? Paige: What are you doing here? Piper: Moving you back home. Hit her. (Leo throws a potion at Paige.) No time to explain. Come on, we gotta get Phoebe or we're never gonna get Chris. (She throws Paige her bra.) [Scene: Apartment. Bianca is removing Chris's powers.] Bianca: Just let me finish what I started. You'll feel better soon, I promise. That's it. Easy does it. (She pulls her hand out of his chest.) Slow breaths. Chris: What'd you do to me? Bianca: I just saved your life. Chris: By taking away my powers? (Bianca walks over to a wall and pulls off a picture frame. She then starts drawing on the wall with chalk.) How are you gonna bring me back, anyway? That spell's a one-way door. It only goes backwards in time. Bianca: He created a new spell because of you. One that works both ways. Chris: I'm touched. Bianca: You should be. He's gone to a lot of trouble to get you back. Chris: Yeah, I see that. Bianca: You know, you don't have to believe me, Chris, but this really is for the best. Chris: Oh, really? How's that? Bianca: Because this is your only chance to live. If I fail, he'll just keep sending more assassins back and all they'll have to bring home is a body. Chris: Doesn't matter. There's nothing left in the future anymore, anyway. (He puts the engagement ring on the table.) [Scene: Future. Manor. Attic. Bianca finishes drawing a large triquetra on the wall.] Bianca: It's time. Chris: I don't wanna go. I don't wanna leave you. (She takes off her engagement ring.) Bianca: Here... (She gives him the ring.) This will remind you of why we're doing this, what's waiting for you here. (They hug.) Chris: Just make sure you take care of the guards, okay? Then get out of here. Because if he finds you, if he knows you betrayed him, he'll kill you. Bianca: Don't worry. I can take care of myself. (They walk over to the hologram of the Book of Shadows. Chris pulls out a piece of paper.) Chris: "I call upon the ancient power, to help us in this darkest hour, let the book return to this place, claim refuge in its rightful space." (The Book of Shadows appears on its stand.) It worked. Bianca: The spell, find the spell. (Chris flips through the book and finds a spell.) Chris: "Hear these words, hear the rhyme, heed the hope within my mind, send me back to where I'll find, what I wish in place and time." (A portal opens where the drawn triquetra is. A demon shimmers in behind Bianca and grabs her.) Bianca! (She fights him off.) Bianca: Go! Go! (Chris walks into the portal.) [Scene: Present. Apartment. Chris and Bianca are there.] Chris: You really expect me to jump into this thing like before? Bianca: Not without a fight, no. Chris: How can you be so cold? How can you just stand there and pretend like we never meant anything to each other. Bianca: I don't have a choice. Chris: Bianca, please don't do this. Don't give up on everything that we fought for. Bianca: I'm not. I'm just hoping we can find another way. Ready? (Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in.) Piper: Hey, future girl. (Piper throws a potion towards Bianca. Bianca throws a dagger and smashes the bottle in mid-air. Bianca shimmers out. Piper freezes the dagger. Bianca shimmers back in beside Piper, grabs the dagger and holds it against Piper's throat.) Bianca: You were saying? Phoebe: Wow, she is good. (Paige moves towards Piper.) Bianca: Uh-uh. I can kill her in half the time it takes you to even think about it. Paige: Yeah, we still have enough potion to vanquish you. Bianca: Maybe. But then you really will have to hope the power of two will do. Won't you, Paige? You'd be surprised what's in the history books. Now put the viles down slowly. Chris: Bianca, don't. Let her go and I promise I'll go with you. Paige: Chris, what are you doing? Chris: If you kill her, there won't be a future for either one of us to go back to and you know it. Phoebe: What are you talking about? Bianca: You'll see if you live long enough. (Bianca and Chris walk towards the wall.) Paige: Piper, freeze them. (Piper tries to freeze them but can't.) Piper: Uh, okay, I get why she didn't freeze but why didn't he freeze? Phoebe: I don't- Unless he's a... Chris: I'm a witch too. That's right. Part witch, part Whitelighter. Just like you, Paige. Paige: You lied to us? Chris: I had to. It was the only way I could get you to trust me. Phoebe: Trust you? Chris: Never mind, it doesn't matter anyway. Piper: So that's it? You're just gonna leave? Chris: I don't have a choice. She strip my powers. Looks like Leo's gonna have to fix that floorboard without me. Let's go. (Bianca waves her arm and a portal opens.) [Cut to the manor. Future. The portal opens and Chris and Bianca walk out of it. Six demons are waiting for them.] Voice: Welcome home, Chris. (The demons part and a man is standing in the dark. He moves into light.) Chris: Hello, Wyatt. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Phoebe and Paige are looking through the Book of Shadows.] Phoebe: There's gotta be a spell in here somewhere. Paige: To take us to the future? I don't think so. Phoebe: Bianca's a witch, she could do it. How could she do it? Paige: We don't know how. Piper: How did we do it five years ago? Leo: The Elders made that happen, remember? Piper: Well, you're an Elder, make it happen. Leo: That was a unique situation. Paige: This isn't? Leo: Hey, I don't like this either, don't you think I want to save him too? Phoebe: I don't know if I want to save him or kick his ass. Leo: That still doesn't change all the good he's done. Paige: Hmm, you're certainly singing a different tune. You've come along way, baby. Leo: Okay, despite all his secrets, I still believe that he came back to protect Wyatt and that is enough for me to want to save him. Piper: The question is, how? (Leo steps on the squeaky floorboard.) Leo. Leo: What? Phoebe: "Fix the floorboard". Paige: Maybe he was trying to tell us something. Leo: Who, what? Piper: Maybe. Maybe that's where Bianca was taking him. To the attic in the future. Phoebe: But that would still be there in the future, wouldn't it? Paige: Yeah, unless we fixed it. Piper: Or used it to send him something, something that he needed. Phoebe: Like what? Paige: His powers. [Scene: Future. Manor. Attic. Wyatt walks towards Chris.] Wyatt: They're no threat to me. (The demons shimmer out.) Et tu, Chris? Of all the people to betray me. Chris: I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you. Wyatt: Save me? From what? Chris: From whatever evil it was that turned you. Wyatt: That's always been your problem, Chris. Stuck in the old good versus evil morass. I'm so past that. It's all about power, it's as simple as that. Chris: And whoever has the most power wins, is that it? Wyatt: That's it. That's why I keep this museum in tact. To remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess. Chris: Too bad the rest of the city isn't fairing as well as your little shrine here. Wyatt: You know if anyone else tried what you tried, I'd kill them on the spot. But you... I've forgiven Bianca, I can forgive you too. If you promise never cross me again. Chris: I think you know me better than that. Wyatt: I thought you said you could talk some sense into him. Chris: Leave her out of this. (Wyatt raises his arm and Chris starts choking.) Wyatt: Pardon me? (Wyatt flicks his hand and Chris flies across the room.) [Cut to the present manor. Paige is writing a spell.] Phoebe: Hurry, hurry, hurry. Paige: I'm trying, I'm trying. (Paige tears off the page and hands it to Phoebe. Phoebe rolls it up and hands it to Piper.) Phoebe: There you go. (Leo pulls up the squeaky floorboard and Piper throws in the paper.) Put it back. (Leo puts the floorboard back in place.) [Cut to the future manor. Chris flies across the room and smashes into a table.] Bianca: You promised you wouldn't hurt him. Wyatt: You promised you'd turn him. It's like I turned you, or at least I thought I had. (Bianca runs over to Chris.) Bianca: Chris, please, I didn't bring you here to die. Chris: Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. (Wyatt steps on the squeaky floorboard.) I think. (Chris runs towards Wyatt and Wyatt grabs him and throws him across the room.) Wyatt: Have you lost your mind? (Wyatt levitates Chris into the air.) I don't need you. (Wyatt creates an energy ball. Bianca runs behind Wyatt and reaches into his back. Chris drops to the floor.) Bianca: Whatever you're gonna do, do it fast. I can't hold him for long. (Chris races over to the squeaky floorboard and pulls it up. He gets out the spell.) Chris: "Powers of witches rise, come to me across the skies, return my magic, give me back, all those taken from the attack." (A blue light washes over Chris. Wyatt turns around and kicks Bianca. She lands on a broken table leg.) No! (Chris waves his arm and Wyatt is thrown across the room. Chris rushes to Bianca's side.) Bianca. No, no, no, no. Bianca: (painfully) Haven't we been here before? Chris: Maybe we will be again. Bianca: Maybe. Chris: No. (Bianca hands her engagement ring back to Chris.) Bianca: If you can finish what we started... (Wyatt groans.) Hurry. Take the spell so he can't send anyone else. Go. (Chris runs over to the Book of Shadows. Wyatt gets up.) Chris: "Hear these words, hear the rhyme, heed the hope within my mind... (Wyatt throws an energy ball towards Chris and he ducks.) Send me back to where I'll find, what I wish in place and time." (The portal opens and Chris runs into it.) [Scene: Present. Manor. Attic. Chris lands hard on the floor.] Paige: Oh my god, are you okay? Chris: Yeah, I'm fine. (He gets up.) Nice spell. Phoebe: Yeah, but we just put it in there like two seconds ago. Leo: Yeah, well, you see, the way time travel works... Phoebe: Yeah, I don't wanna know, I already have a little headache. Thanks. Piper: You have some serious explaining to do, young man. Chris: I know. Listen, I'm sorry I lied to you. I really am, but... Piper: No, no buts. It's about time you tell us the truth, now. Chris: I can't. But not because I don't want to, but because there's only so much I can tell you without the future being changed too much. Paige: Um, isn't that your whole point? To come and change the future? Chris: Yeah. But that was supposed to be more like a surgical strike. Leo: To save Wyatt. Chris: To save Wyatt. Phoebe: What about Bianca? Chris: Bianca won't be a threat to anyone anymore. Phoebe: I'm sorry. Chris: Me too. So you guys still alright with me hanging around here? Leo: Absolutely. The next time you're in trouble you gotta tell us. Trust works both ways. Chris: Okay. (Chris leaves the room.) [Cut to the hallway. Chris passes Piper's room. Wyatt is in his playpen. Chris stops and looks at him.] Chris: If I can't save you, I swear to god I'll stop you. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Dining room. Phoebe and Paige are there. Piper walks in.] Phoebe: Hey. Piper: Hey. Phoebe: What's going on? (Piper sits down.) Piper: Uh, well, I've been thinking. Paige: Uh-oh. Does that mean I'm in trouble? Piper: I think it's time we make some changes around here. Phoebe: What kind of changes? Piper: Like I think you should move to Hong Kong with Jason, and you should move in with Richard. Paige: I never said I wanted that. Piper: You didn't have to, the spell did that for you. And you too. Phoebe: Well, we can't leave you alone, we have to stick together. Piper: No, I know, believe me, I know. But you can't keep sacrificing your lives forever and neither can I. Mum did that, Grams did it and even Prue. And look what happened to them. It's not a legacy I want us to inherit. Paige: What if it doesn't work out, us going our separate ways? Piper: Well, we'll worry about it then. Phoebe: You sure about this? Piper: Yeah, I am.

A mysterious woman from the future named Bianca arrives to take Chris' powers and bring him back with her forcefully. Piper feels that being witches is stopping her sisters from having the life they want, and advises them to move out and follow their hearts. Bianca is revealed to actually be Chris' fiancée who only came back as "he" would have sent someone else if she had not come. Bianca is revealed to have helped Chris come back in time in the first place and apparently met him after the unnamed evil that rules their future sent her to kill him. Chris also reveals some truth about himself after Piper tries to freeze him and Bianca and fails: he is not a true Whitelighter, he is half-Whitelighter, half-witch like Paige and Wyatt. Bianca strips his powers and brings him back to his terrible future where the evil who rules confronts Chris and Bianca alone; an evil Wyatt. Future Wyatt tries to convince Chris to join him, offering to spare his life if he does. Chris refuses and Wyatt tries to kill him, but he is saved by Bianca who switches back to his side to protect him. Using a spell the sisters left in the attic in the present, Chris reclaims his powers and defeats Wyatt temporarily, but Bianca is mortally wounded and dies. Chris manages to open a time portal and escapes as Wyatt recovers, taking the spell with him so that Wyatt cannot send another assassin back in time. In the present, the sisters forgive him and he remains their Whitelighter, but he swears that if he can't prevent Baby Wyatt from becoming evil, then he will stop him permanently.

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ACT ONE Scene One(a) - Therapist's Office The scene fades in on Niles, who is lying on a therapist's couch, pouring his heart out. Niles: You try and try, but at some point you finally have to admit, as much as you care about each other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for some time. The camera pans across to show Dr. Schachter, a couples therapist, sitting in an easy chair and taking notes. Schachter: But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't want to save this relationship. Isn't that true? Niles: Well, I'd be willing to try. I can't speak for... The camera pans across to reveal not Maris, but Frasier, sitting on an identical therapist's couch. Frasier: You don't have to speak for me, Niles. I'm perfectly capable of speaking for myself. Niles: Yes, I know. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of his own voice. Frasier: What is that supposed to mean? Niles: Well, you tell me, Enrico. What do you think it means? Frasier: I guess I can tell you... The two start arguing until Schachter intervenes. Schachter: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! [they quiet down] Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix this problem? Frasier and Niles mutter sullenly. Frasier/Niles: Yeah.../Well, if it's fixable, I suppose... Schachter: All right. Why doesn't one of you tell me how this started? Niles starts to open his mouth, but- Frasier: Well, it began with me. Last week, I was at work doing my radio show. I was on the air with a troubled young woman. She had just started telling me about a recurring dream she had since childhood. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - KACL Frasier flashes back to his show. Jill: [v.o] Okay, I'm in my bedroom, I'd just gotten out of the bath tub to get dressed. When I opened the closet, all my clothes are gone. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on the drive outside. I turn and there is a little girl with her nose pressed up against the window. Frasier: That is amazing! Meanwhile, Roz notices the time. Jill: [v.o] But her breath is clogging up the glass so that I can't make out her face. Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me something important. Roz tries to get Frasier's attention about the show coming to the close but he fails to notice her. Frasier: So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent message. Roz now gets on the side and frantically bangs on the window telling him the time is up but he still doesn't realize. Frasier: And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it. Roz: [switches on her microphone] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I hate to interrupt, but you're all out of time for today. Frasier: Oh, dear. Um, listen, Jill, I'm terribly sorry, but listen, [Bulldog enters looking annoyed at his delay] I'd like to continue talking to you when we're off the air, so please don't hang up. In the meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our time today. Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking with... Bulldog: [into microphone] Blah, blah, Frasier Crane Show, happy health, goodbye! Bulldog presses the off-air button and pushes Frasier to the wall in his chair, yanking off his headphones as he does so. Frasier walks out of the booth as Bulldog begins his show. Bulldog: Yo, Jill. You a football fan? Jill: [v.o] Not really. Bulldog: Beat it! [presses button] All right, this is Bulldog, ready to go! Frasier enters Roz's booth where Bulldog's producer is working. Frasier chats to Roz who is sorting the carts. Frasier: I hate this job. Not only do I have to put up with that annoying little sweat-sock, but when a caller comes in who has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely even able to scratch the surface. It makes me want to run screaming back to private practice! Roz: I can imagine how frustrated you must be. This show's gotta be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect. [gives him a smile of awe] Niles: [v.o.] Hold it, stop, wait a minute! SMASH CUT TO: Scene One(b) - Therapist's Office. Niles: You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase like "staggering intellect"? Frasier: It was something like that. Niles: So, she might have said your "boundless brilliance," or, say, "the Olympian reaches of your wisdom." Frasier: Oh, Niles, do shut up. Niles: Oh, you shut up! They carry on arguing for a while. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene One(c) - Therapist's Office. We go back to where we left off with Frasier and Niles arguing. Schachter: Gentlemen, gentlemen! It is not important exactly what was said. Niles: No, what is important is that he assumes it revolves around him, when the truth is it started several days before that, with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Niles's Office Flashback. Niles is comforting an elderly patient, who is holding herself with both arms in fear. Niles: [v.o.] I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in the office next door. His unconventional therapy had started to intrude upon my sessions. Niles: [going to patient] Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust me. So long as you're in this office you have no reason to feel anything but safe. A man's scream is heard from next door which scares Mrs. Kelly. Niles: Just, please, think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary. A woman's scream bellows in, scaring Mrs. Kelly further. Niles: I'm not saying that being a sole survivor of a plane crash wasn't a traumatizing experience for you. But, I can get you to a point where the memories no longer haunt you. Now both the man and the woman scream together, reducing Mrs. Kelly to a nervous wreck. Niles can do nothing but put his arm around her. Niles: [v.o.] His primal scream madness was ruining my practice. I had to do something. The opportunity presented itself that Friday. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Frasier's Apartment. Niles carries on with his narration over this scene: Niles is going to the bar for sherry as Daphne folds some clothes. Martin is sat in his chair and Frasier is on the sofa. Niles: [v.o] I'd come to Frasier's for dinner. I remember Daphne, my father's health care worker, was telling the most delightful story... Daphne: Oh, I know what you're going though, Dr. Crane, dealing with a noisy neighbour. Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next door to me in London? A married couple, who made the most un-Godly racket - in bed! The walls must have been like tissue paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night. Finally, I decided the only to get them to stop was to let them hear what I'd been hearing. So, one night, I moved near the wall and I started... Niles freezes with the sherry bottle poised over his glass as Daphne acts out her story with voice and actions. Frasier and Martin, also shocked, turn to look at her. Daphne: [moaning] Ooh, yes! Ooh, oh don't stop - [gasping] Ooh, that's the spot - [screams] Oh, do it again! Oh, you are the beastmaster, aren't you?! Oh, for heaven's sake, just take me, you devil-spawned s*x monkey! [tosses her head, flinging her hair wildly about] YES, YES, YES, YES, YES! [stops, normal again] Problem solved. Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you mind telling that story again? Frasier: [v.o] Hold it, stop! SMASH CUT TO: Scene One(d) - Therapist's Office. Frasier stops the flashback. Frasier: Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that story, she did not act it out. Niles: [uncertain] Didn't she? Frasier: No! Just tell the story! Niles: Fine. It was a few hours later... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five(a) - Frasier's Apartment. The flashback takes us to a few hours later that night when Martin, Frasier and Niles sit down with cups. Niles: [v.o] We were having espresso, and, perhaps to counter-act the stimulative effect, Frasier was telling us about his day. Frasier: You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today. Fascinating young woman who had a recurring dream. Martin: You know who's a helluva dreamer? Eddie. The boys give him a look. Martin: One night I'd wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead asleep, with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growlin'! Bet you'd love to analyze that little brain of his. Frasier: [sarcastic] Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my career! [then:] Still, thinking about this woman has started me longing for private practice. I guess I just miss the chance to dig deep with my patients. Niles: Have you considered seeing patients on the side? Frasier: Oh yes, of course. I've got a list of people who've expressed interest. Niles: Frasier, I have a proposition. I mentioned that doctor in the office next door? Well, his lease is up. If you were interested in his office, as his landlord, I could tell him and his screaming meamies to hit the road! Frasier: You? Niles: Mmm-mmm. Frasier: And I? Niles: Mmm-mmm. Frasier: Working side by side? Niles: Mmm-mmm. Frasier: I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds... quite exciting! Niles: [excited] We could consult on each other's patients. Frasier: [excited] We could give seminars together. Niles: Even therapy groups! Frasier: Oh, my God, "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo already; a giant Crane hovering over a human head! Martin begins laughing at their idea. Frasier: Dad, why are you laughing? Why is Dad laughing? Martin: You two, you'll never learn. Niles: Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea? Martin: The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea! The book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea! But this.... [thinks] No, that restaurant was still the stupidest one. Frasier: Two little mis-adventures and you doom us to failure. Martin: Oh, baloney, you've been like this since you were kids. You two can't work together. Niles: Maybe Dad's right. We're not ready for this, it could lead to conflict and tension. Frasier: [v.o] Hold it! SMASH CUT TO: Scene One(e) - Therapist's Office. Frasier breaks the scene. Frasier: Niles, tell the truth! Niles: Oh, all right. SMASH CUT TO: Scene Five(b) - Frasier's Apartment. We cut back to just after Martin's speech. Niles: Stop raining on our parade, Dad! Frasier: To "Crane & Crane"! The brother clink their espressos together. End of Act One Act Two HMMM... Scene Six(a) - Niles's Office. Frasier narrates the story in flashback. Niles is getting some coffee as Frasier enters. Frasier: [v.o] Well, our first day together began innocently enough... Frasier: [enters] Good morning, Dr. Crane. Niles: And to you, Dr. Crane Frasier: Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal, there's nobody around. Frasier lifts his hand for a hi-five, Niles backs off in fear. Frasier: It's a hi-five, Niles! Niles: Oh, oh, oh, sorry. They hi-five and Niles lets out a squeal of pain. Niles: Would you like a coffee? Frasier: Oh, yes, please. [takes one as he inhales] Oh, Niles, I can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the office place. Freshly oiled leather couches, the pungent coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up from the cafeteria below. Niles: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last night, some of their tissue samples turned. By the way, I've put together some recent articles you may want to peruse just to get up to speed. [shows him a select few] Frasier: Up to speed? Niles: Well, it has been a while since you've practised and we could all use a little brushing up. Frasier: Well, that's very considerate of you. Just put my homework assignment in my box there. Niles: As you wish. Niles puts the select articles in, then picks up a small pile of books from the desk and also puts them in the box. Then he lifts a large stack of books from the floor and also puts them in the box. Frasier is not amused. Daphne enters, struggling with a large plant. Daphne: All right, where shall we put this then? Frasier: Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here by the couch, I think. Niles: No, no, Daphne, here on the desk will pick up the earth tones in the carpet. Frasier: No, there's this desk space here by the coffee station. Niles: Oh, underneath the heating vent?! Why not just give it a blindfold and a cigarette! Frasier: It's your office, put it where you like. Niles: No, no, it is your plant. Daphne: And it's my bleedin' back, so I'm putting it right here! Daphne puts the plant down on the coffee table. Daphne: [aside to Frasier] Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him. [exits] Niles: [v.o] Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that! SMASH CUT TO: Scene One(f) - Therapist's Office. Niles brings the scene back. Frasier: Well, she said it with body language. Niles: I happen to be fluent in that language and she said nothing of the kind! Schachter: Will someone tell me what's so important about this plant? Niles: You'll know soon enough. I'm telling the rest of the story. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six(b) - Niles's Practice. We flashback to Daphne still struggling with the plant. Daphne: I'm putting it right here! Daphne puts the plant down on the coffee table and exits as Martin enters with some plaques. Martin: You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them move! Frasier: Forgive me for overburdening you, Dad. Could you just put those in my office, please? Martin angrily exits to Frasier's office as Daphne enters and notices the sign on the door. It says "Niles Crane" and then in very small letters underneath it says "Frasier Crane." Daphne: Oh, look at your two names together on the door. Er, Dr. Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours? Niles: Yes, that was the only way it would fit. I assumed you wouldn't mind - after all, we're concerned here with healing people, aren't we? Frasier: Of course, Niles. If I were interested in self-promotion, I guess I'd be content with my radio show, heard every day by over half a million listeners - the Pacific Northwest and parts of Canada! Niles picks up the plant. Frasier: What are you doing? Niles: I'm moving the Chepalire. Frasier: I like it where it was. Niles: Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light. Daphne: You two tend to your plant, I'll go fetch the file cabinet! [exits] Frasier: I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in direct sunlight. Niles: Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering! Frasier: They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in the trunk of the car. Niles: Oh, nonsense, Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking more robust! Frasier: [gets a hold on the plant] This plant is going right over... They start bickering again. Martin: [entering] And so it begins! He laughs and exits. Niles: [v.o] Of course, the incident with the plant was only the beginning. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene One(g) - Therapist's Office. Niles tells the story. Niles: That was followed by a run-in at the receptionist's desk, a row at the coffee machine, and a contretemps when Frasier lost the men room's key. Frasier: That was an accident. Niles: Yes, it very nearly was. Frasier: I am so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things fifteen thousand times worse than they are! I'm going to tell the story from now on! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Niles's Office. Frasier narrates over the scene. Frasier and Niles are stood amongst a therapy group. Frasier: [v.o] The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much shot by the time we conducted our first therapy group together... Niles: First off, I have a colleague to introduce. He is not only An esteemed psychiatrist, he happens to be my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Frasier: Afternoon. Kedlish: Wow, you're Dr. Crane from the radio. Frasier: Guilty as charged. Niles: Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane that this is real psychiatry now, not the radio. No hanging up on the hard ones here! Frasier: But rest assured I am trained to deal with a full range of issues. Everything from envy to jealousy! But, I'll just be observing today, I don't know you well enough to render any opinions yet, so just pretend I'm not here. Niles: And good luck with that. [approaches patient] Mrs. Kalish, perhaps you could bring us up to date on how you're dealing with your divorce. This is week two, isn't it? Kalish: Yes. Well, I actually had my first date last night. Niles: That's wonderful. Frasier: Hmmm... Kalish: Did you say something? Frasier: I don't think so. Kalish: It sounded like "Hmmm..." like you disapproved. Frasier: Well, since you've asked. I think in divorce we have painful feelings, which are never the less healthy feelings. We start to date too quickly and we want to be sure that that's not panacea for the pain. Niles: Ooh, yes, you'll all find my brother's quite adept with those peppy little bromides; "panacea for the pain"! You can almost hear the phrase: We'll be right back after these words from "Pringles"! Carr: You don't want to wait too long before you date though, either. I waited five years but then I was so desperate I stayed with the first woman who came along. She ended up being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife. Frasier: Hmmm... Niles: [covering] Well, Mr. Carr... Carr: Wait, Dr. Crane, it sounded like your brother said something again. Frasier: Well, since you've asked. It occurred to me that by waiting for five and becoming, as you said, desperate, that perhaps you were really giving yourself license to pursue the woman who reminded you of your first wife. You had to repeat the pattern. Carr: So, you're saying that it wasn't an accident? Frasier: We have an expression in psychiatry: "there are no accidents." Niles: Now let's check in with news and traffic. Frasier: Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a reason? Niles: No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do. I'm reminded of a recent "accident" involving a four-inch wooden block attached to a men's room key which walked off in somebody's pocket! Clearly an act of hostility, wouldn't ya' say?! Frasier: Certainly a well-deserved one, considering what an insufferable prig someone has been today! Niles: You dare call me a prig after I rescued you from that sideshow you call a radio program? Frasier: One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden block in a place you'll always be able to find it! Niles: [fumes, then:] Group, take five minutes of quiet introspection! Niles and Frasier leave the office and enter the reception area. Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it. [holds it up] Frasier: Niles, you are not scaring me... the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside! Niles: How dare you try to steal my group! Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong! Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it "Frasier-stock"! Frasier: You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending attitude. You have not missed one single opportunity to run down my show or grab a book off the shelf to help me "get up to speed!" My God, you're such a brilliant healer, you've even taken over the care of my Schefflera! Niles: Well, you were starving it of sunlight! Frasier: All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs! Frasier picks it up and throws it out the window, breaking the glass as it goes. Niles: Are you insane?! Frasier: If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it! Niles: Oh...! Niles and Frasier carry on arguing whilst Niles's group, frightened, leave behind him. Niles: Is that my group? Group, group, come back, group! [they exit and then:] I'm very proud of this show of independence! [shakes a fist, then:] I hope you're happy! Frasier: If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it! Niles: Stop saying that! They carry on arguing until the therapist, Dr. Schachter arrives. Schachter: Dr. Crane! Niles: Hello, Dr. Schachter. Schachter: What's going on? Niles: I'm having a discussion with my brother. Schachter: I could hear your discussion across the hall in my office. Niles: Well, you see, he waltzed in here like the belle of the ball and yet... Frasier and Niles start arguing again. Schachter: Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress. As you know, I am a specialist in couples therapy. Now I've never treated brothers before, but still, if you step into my office, I'm sure I can help you. Schachter: [v.o] Hold it! Hold it! SMASH CUT TO: Scene One(h) - Therapist's Office. Dr. Schachter now breaks the story and finishes the flashback. Schachter: I never said, "I'm sure I can help you." I said, "I may be able to help you." Niles: See how he twists your words? Frasier: [dangles men's room key] Right here, buddy boy. Schachter: Enough! You are doctors! I've never seen anything like this in my life. [to Niles] You think he's trying to steal your patients, [to Frasier] and you think he's trying to undermine you as a psychiatrist. But you must know what is at the root of this problem. Frasier/Niles: [pointing] He is! Schachter: No. You have a fundamental lack of trust. Now it may be so deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change but there are certain exercises that we try provided that you two are willing. They half-heartedly agree. Schachter gets up and places a footstool in the center of the room. Schachter: Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is. Now, why don't you simply stand on this foot stool and fall backwards into your brother's waiting arms, thus demonstrating that we can trust each other. [to Niles] Dr. Crane, why don't you go first? Niles: Well, all right. Schachter: Just get up there, and let yourself go. Niles stands on the footstool as Frasier stands behind him waiting. Niles: [starts to fall and then] Is he standing directly behind me? Schachter: Yes, now trust your brother. Niles: [takes some time] I'd feel better if he were wearing rubber soles. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just get down, I'll go first. All right? Frasier and Niles change places. Frasier: [starts and then] Is he in position? Schachter: Yes! Trust him! Frasier: [takes some time] You should know he catches like a girl! Schachter: I don't believe this. Get down, will you? [Frasier does] This couldn't be easier! [gets up] I get up here, I count to three, and you catch me. One, two, three. However, Frasier and Niles have been too busy glaring distrustfully at each other to pay attention to him. He falls backwards and sprawls onto the floor. Frasier: Why didn't you catch him?! Niles: Well, you were closer! Frasier: It was your turn! Niles: "It was my turn"...! Schachter: [getting up] That is it! That is it! In thirty years as a couples therapist, I've never said what I'm about to say: Give up! It's hopeless! You are pathologically mistrustful of each another, competitive to the point of madness! [gets his coat] So, trust me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals, and the rest of the time, stay the hell away from each other! Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink until the rest of me is as numb as my ass! Schachter leaves, slamming the door behind him. The brothers are dumbfounded for a moment. Niles: Well... that's quite a diagnosis. Frasier: [reads pad] Yes. But there is no denying it. We are vindictive and competitive.... Niles: Petty, mistrustful... Frasier: As so often in these cases it took someone outside our situation to point it out to us. Niles: Well, Dad always said it, but he has no credentials. Frasier: Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials. [motions to the diploma on the wall] My God, the man is an expert in his field. He graduated from the University of... He reads the certificate, then turns with a smug smile. Frasier: Grenada! Niles: [shocked] Well, surely that was just his undergraduate schooling. Frasier: Oh yes, of course, his graduate work was done in... [reads] Aruba! Niles: An all-Caribbean schooling... well, tally me banana! They begin doing calypso dances. Frasier: I knew he was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth. Niles: [laughs] Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of the week. Frasier: Niles, we still have time to catch a late lunch! Niles: Oh, oh, oh, "Peris" is just around the corner. Frasier: Away we go. Oh, "Chez Shea" is just as close. Niles: Yes but the food at "Peris" is much better. Frasier: Oh, Niles. [laughs] Have you lost your mind? Frasier and Niles leave the office, still arguing about their choice of restaurant. [SCENE_BREAK] In Niles's practice we see Martin exit Frasier's office with the plaques, looking very smug. He leaves the reception area. Then Frasier exits with his box of bits and bobs. This all seems very light. The receptionist then watches as Daphne struggles out with a huge filing cabinet on a hand truck, of which she's been lumbered.

Niles and Frasier are in the office of couples therapist Dr. Schachter. Flashbacks show Frasier receiving a call on his show about a recurring dream, which he does not have time to investigate fully, while Niles is having problems with a tenant in his office, a practitioner of scream therapy. When Frasier revealed his discontent with radio psychiatry, and his wish to return to private practice, Niles proposed that the solution to his difficult psychiatrist co-tenant is to replace him with Frasier. The prospect of working together and consulting each other excited the two brothers initially, but they soon fall out.

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At Sean's house (Sean is pouring a couple glasses of coke for him and Emma.) Sean: So uh this is the palace. Emma: I always wondered what it looks like in here. Sean: Yeah. Emma: Okay so...chemistry! Sean: I hate chemistry. Emma: Right. Um periodic table. Who created... (She starts to lean back in the chair.) Sean: Careful! That chair's broken. Emma: Oh. Sean. Um you gotta lean forward. Emma: Okay. Yeah so the periodic table. Tracker: (On the phone) I don't care! Look tell that knob that I don't give a flying- (Sean gives Tracker a look and he stops.) Tracker: (On the phone) Look if he wants to talk to me that way then I quit and that's it. (He gets off his phone.) Tracker: Hey sorry. Sean: Nice to see you. Tracker: How's it going Em? Emma: Good. Tracker: Welcome to our uh very, very humble abode. What you guys doing? Sean: Oh we're just doing some- Tracker: Chemistry huh? That's cool. Don't go building no bombs. So uh- (Tracker makes a motion for them to leave.) Sean: Yeah um I guess we're just gonna go to the library then. Tracker: That's cool. Yeah. Hey Em, good to see you. Take care of yourself, alright? Emma: You too. In the gymnasium, the boys are playing basketball Mr. Armstrong: Jimmy. Sean. Now that's the kind of teamwork I want to see in the regionals gentleman. Sean: No problem. Jimmy: You got it coach. Mr. Armstrong: Good work. Spinner: Man! Man you guys, you really do play great together. Like Vince and JYB. (Nobody says anything.) Spinner: Oh wait. Did I just break the don't talk to Sean and Jimmy at the same time rule? Sean: Shut up Spinner. Spinner: No you shut up. I mean, okay you two. You had a fight a long, long time ago. Why don't you just let it go? Ask him. Jimmy: I'm having a party tonight to celebrate making the regionals and you can bring Emma if you want to. Sean: Cool. (They do a little fist pump action.) Spinner: Aw you two. You make me very, very happy. (Spinner puts his arms around Jimmy and Sean.) Jimmy: Dude! Armpits near the face. In the hallway Manny: So is Sean excited about tonight? Em you didn't tell him, did you? Emma: If I told him last week he would have worried himself into a coma. Manny: Well enough's enough. You have to tell him, like right now. Emma: Sean! Sean: Emma. Emma: Hi um...are you busy tonight? Sean: Why am I getting that weird, scary vibe? Emma: Um because...I know this sounds awful, but my parents were wondering if maybe you wanted to come to dinner. Sean: No! Emma: But you have to! I told them you're coming. Sean: Emma we have Jimmy's party tonight. We were invited. Emma: Yeah I know, but I think my parents would be a little more disappointed if you don't show up than Jimmy will. Mr. Simpson: Hey one word for you. Chutoro! Sean: Chut-...Emma! Emma: It's a kind of sushi. You know, raw fish? Sean: Yeah I know. Emma: Anyway my mom makes it for special occasions so you have to come! We'll go to Jimmy's after. I promise. Please. Please! In a classroom, Jimmy is staring at Ashley Spinner: Checking out Ashley huh? Dude could you be any more predictable? Jimmy: Okay Ash has changed. She's not the same girl she was last year. Spinner: Oh yeah. Yeah I know. She's become a vampire. Jimmy: I'm not talking about her style. I mean she's more down to earth. Spinner: Yeah. (Terri walks by.) Jimmy: Oh Ter I'm having a party tonight at my house. Can you make it? Terri: Totally. Jimmy: Tell Ash she can come to if she wants. It's no big deal. Spinner: (Mimicking Jimmy) Tell Ash she can come to. It's no big deal. Jimmy: (Mimicking Spinner) My armpits smell! In the hallway Paige: A vote. Hands or feet? Ellie: Are we supposed to understand what that means? Paige: It means my weekend at the spa with mom includes either a free manicure or pedicure. My choice. Terri: You're missing Jimmy's party for a pedicure? Paige: No for a spa weekend. Look it's more fun than a room full of Neanderthals. Ashley: So El, how about you? Ellie: I'd have more fun sculpting my earwax. Why? Are you going? Ashley: Nah. I don't think so. Terri: Ash! You so want to go. Ashley: But he didn't really invite me. He just sort of invited me. Terri: I see the way he looks at you. He still likes you. Ashley: I'm not sure I believe that Ter. Terri: Well only one way to find out. At Sean's house Tracker: Sean it's just a job, okay? Everything's gonna be alright. Sean: You know what? That's what dad said and it never was! Tracker: I know. I know, but me and you, we're not mom and dad, right? Sean: No? We live like them. You're out of work! Tracker: Yeah money's important Sean, but so's my pride. Sean: You know what Tracker? You sound just like dad, whenever he lost his job or whenever he quit or whenever he got fired and he just... Tracker: Yeah except then he'd go and take all our money and blow it on booze. Do you see me doing that?! Sean: No. Tracker: That's right. Look I got a job interview lined up for tomorrow. Does that sound like dad? Sean: Aren't you special. Tracker: I'm trying. Where are you going with my pickled herring, punk? Sean: Tonight I, I have dinner with Emma's parents. Tracker: Well isn't that nice. Say hello to the family for me. At Emma's house Spike: Em. Nervous? Emma: Not for me. For Sean. You guys aren't gonna grill him, right? Spike: Just the octopus, but I, I hear you, okay? (Emma sets out the napkins.) Emma: Black. Spike: Just relax! Outside (Sean is walking towards Emma's house.) At Emma's house, during dinner Mr. Simpson: You know I was reading that uh the average sumo wrestler weighs around 400 pounds and one of the best tipped the scale at 700 pounds. Can you believe that? Spike: That's because they eat like a ton of rice, morning, noon and night. Mr. Simpson: Mm. Speaking of rice I think I'm going to have some more of the kamaboko. Spike: So Sean, I uh hear you're quite the basketball star? Sean: Uh I'm okay I guess. Mr. Simpson: Don't be modest. I saw you tearing up the court the other day. Spike: Your parents must be proud. Mr. Simpson: Uh Emma can you pass the nigiri please? Emma: Yeah sure. Sean: Uh they're in Wasaga Beach. I live with my brother. Spike: Oh right. Emma: Uh mom, um the California roll looks great. Mr. Simpson: What does your brother do? Sean: Well he's... Emma: Snake! Sean: It's alright. Emma it's alright. He installs side view mirrors on minivans. Mr. Simpson: Oh he's an auto worker. That's a noble profession. Sean: Yeah he quit yesterday. Spike: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Sean: Um do you guys mind if I get some water? Spike: No not at all. Help yourself. (Sean gets up and goes to the kitchen.) Emma: You guys, I thought I asked you not to do this! Spike: It's just that children shouldn't have to live with that kind of stress. Sean: Does anybody else want any water? Mr. Simpson: No I think we're all fine. (Sean sees a bottle of alcohol on the counter, pours some into his glass and drinks it quickly before walking back to the table.) Spike: So Sean? Have you uh seen any good movies lately? Sean: No. Spike: Oh uh I really like them. Mr. Simpson, Snake and I, we like them. Going to them. Don't we? Mr. Simpson: Yeah. Yeah. A lot. Popcorn, soda, Godzilla... Sean: Cool. Emma you want some more pie? Emma: Yeah sure. (Sean starts to pass the pie and knocks over Emma's plate onto her lap.) Mr. Simpson: Oh, oh, oh! Emma: Oh. Sean: I'm sorry! Emma: Oh. Sean: I'm sorry. Here let me, let me help you clean up. Emma: No it's okay. Sean: Here I'll do it- Emma: No. Really. I'll just go change. Mr. Simpson: You know I feel like some coffee. I'm gonna put a pot on. Spike: So uh Snake and I are really glad that you could come. It's given us a chance to get to know each other a bit more. Sean: No problem. Spike: Anytime. Hey why don't I pack you up some leftovers? Sean: You, you already made me dinner. Spike: Give you a nice home cooked meal. Sean: Because I don't get nice home cooked meals at home? Spike: Sean we just have extra. Sean: For a welfare case! Spike: That's not what I was saying. Sean. Where are you going? Sean! (Sean puts his jacket on and leaves quickly.) [SCENE_BREAK] At Jimmy's party, Terri and Ashley walk in Ashley: I shouldn't be here. Terri: Spinner! Spinner: Hey. Uh Terri, Ash. Uh great you came. Uh where's Paige? Terri: At the spa, but we're here. Spinner: Oh yeah uh great. That's- (Someone sprays Spinner with whipped cream and Spinner chases after her.) Terri: You should go find Jimmy. Ashley: I already have. Jimmy: So you came. Ashley: I came. Jimmy: Good. Ashley: Good. Guest: Hey Jimmy! Jimmy: Sorry I got guests to attend to. I'll catch you later. Ashley: Wow. Guess he really didn't want me to come after all. Terri: I know the feeling. At Emma's, Emma comes downstairs wearing different clothes Emma: Hey I- (Emma sees that Sean isn't there.) Emma: Where's Sean? Spike: He uh, he left. Emma: What?! Why? What did you say? Spike: Nothing. I, I offered him leftovers. He totally misunderstood and that's all. Honest. Emma: Yeah really. Mr. Simpson: Emma. Spike: Where are you going? Emma: To find him! At Jimmy's party, Sean walks in Sean: Yo what's going on? I heard there's a party here! Craig: I thought you weren't coming man. Sean: No I am. This is a party. I love parties. Yeah! Spinner: Yeah party. Woo hoo. Anyways you know, got to get my ladies, tend to them. See you later. Sean: Sweet man. He's got ladies. Yo what's going on buddy? What do you say? Craig: Yeah um, you been drinking? Sean: No! Maybe a little. Come on man let's go. Yo introduce me to some people. Jimmy. What's going on man? Jimmy: Hey you made it! What's up? Sean: Nothing. Craig: What's up man? Jimmy: Not much. Uh napkins. I need napkins. (He reaches under the counter for the napkins where his parents keep the booze.) Jimmy: Catch you boys later? Sean: Yeah. (Sean looks at the alcohol under the bar.) Craig: So uh where's Emma? Sean: Emma? Uh she's at home. We're through. Craig: What? You guys just got back together. Sean: I know, alright? But her mom called me a total welfare case or something. So I told her off and I left. I totally freaked out and whatever, okay? It's over and obviously Emma's never gonna forgive me. Craig: You don't know that. Call her. Sean: No man. It's over, alright? Craig: Sean, just pick up the phone... Sean: Okay?! Craig: Okay. Sean: Okay. Craig: You coming? Sean: Yeah just give me a minute. (He pours out some of his soft drink and pours the alcohol into his bottle. A random guy walks over to Ashley.) Party guest: You plus me, destiny. Terri: Okay, let's go. (Ashley and Terri start to leave.) Jimmy: Ash! You can't go. Ashley: Uh yes I can. Jimmy: No, no. We didn't talk yet. Ashley: You've got a lot of guests. Jimmy: You're the guest I want to be with. Ashley: I can stick around for a bit. Jimmy: That's great. (Emma walks in looking for Sean.) Emma: Sean! Sean! Here you are. I'm so sorry about my mom. What did she say exactly? Sean: Exactly? Emma: Yeah I want to call her on it. What did she say? Sean: She said the truth, alright? She said the truth. Emma: Sean are you drunk? Where did you get that? Sean: My host, Jimmy Brooks and it's time for a refill. (He starts opening the bottle.) Emma: Sean! Sean: Yo Emma calm down. What are you gonna give me for it? (He starts holding the bottle away from her as she tries to grab it.) Emma: Sean! No! Sean: What are you gonna give me for it? Emma: Sean! (He drops the bottle and the music stops.) Jimmy: So you, you come to my house to steal my parents booze? Sean: Jimmy come on man. Your parents are so rich they won't even know. Jimmy: Just get out of here. Sean: At least let me clean it up. Jimmy: Just get out! (Emma grabs Sean and they leave, while Jimmy and Ashley start picking up the broken bottle pieces and Jimmy cuts his hand.) Jimmy: Ah. Ashley: Here. (She puts a napkin on his hand and they're about to kiss when Ashley pulls away.) Ashley: You know what? Um Terri's waiting. Outside Jimmy's, Sean and Emma are sitting down Sean: I don't feel good. I have to go home. (He starts to stand up and Emma helps him sit back down.) Sean: Why do you even bother? Emma: What are you talking about? Sean: I'm just a big, stupid loser. My parents are drunks, my, my brother's out of work. I'm just a big, stupid loser like them. Emma: Yeah so is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to call you a big, stupid loser Sean? Is that what you want? (Emma takes out her cell phone.) Sean: Who are you calling? Emma: My mom. Sean: What? No. Hang up. Emma: (On the phone) Mom you know you said if I ever needed you'd pick me up no questions asked? Great. We're outside Jimmy's. In the hallway Ashley: How's your hand? Jimmy: I'll survive. Ashley: I'm sorry about the other night. Jimmy: Nah the party got out of hand. I got serious flack though. Ashley: That's not what I mean. I mean- Jimmy: Oh. Uh look I guess it was kind of my fault 'cause I weirded you- (Ashley kisses him.) Ashley: So now we're even. (Jimmy is about to lean in and kiss Ashley when Sean interrupts.) Sean: Hey Jimmy. (Jimmy and Ashley ignore him and walk away.) Emma: Sean! Sean. Sean why are you doing this? Sean: Because I screwed up, alright Emma? Emma: Once! Everybody screws up once. Sean: Emma homeroom is about to start. Emma: I know, but this is more important, so stop! (They sit down by the lockers.) Sean: Things are always gonna be like this. Emma: Like what? Sean: Me screwing up. It's in my blood. Emma: It's in your head and that's all. Sean: Your mom and Simpson aren't gonna be as forgiving. Emma: Did my mom give you the third degree? Sean: No. Emma: I mean if she has to drive you home drunk a second time it might be a different story. Sean: You don't have to worry about that, alright? Tracker gave me a lecture and I just don't- Emma: Okay, but this isn't about Tracker or your parents or my parents. This is about you and me. Sean I like you. Sean: I like you too.

As a new school year begins, Degrassi expands into a full-fledged high school encompassing seventh through twelfth grades, much to the chagrin of all the students. New ninth-grader Craig becomes quick friends with Sean and attracts Emma and Manny, but his home life is less than perfect as he deals with an abusive father and his own, growing need to be around his stepfather Joey and half-sister Angela. Meanwhile, J.T. makes desperate attempts to ask Paige out, but she refuses every time. She later changes her mind when she makes a bet with Hazel and Spinner. Note: This episode marks the first appearance of Jake Epstein as Craig Manning.

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Ms. Kwan's English Class (Ashley is showing Terri what she got Jimmy for their anniversary. It is a silver chain that has the letter A (for Ashley) and a J (for Jimmy)) Ashley: You think Jimmy will like it? Terri: It is so perfect. Romantic, yet masculine. Just like Jimmy. (Ashley looks at Jimmy. He smiles at her.) Ms. Kwan: Shakespeare's language can be hard to follow. So what we're going to do is break up into groups and we're going to perform scenes from Romeo and Juliet. (As she talks, she's passing out papers) Spinner: Oh, come on! Ms. Kwan: We're going to perform the scenes next week with the text fully memorized. Terri: I'm playing Balthezar. Who's she? Ms. Kwan: He is Romeo's servant. Terri: Let me guess. You're Juliet and Jimmy's Romeo. Ashley: He's Romeo, but I'm the nurse. Terri: So who's Juliet? Paige: "Romeo, Oh Romeo. Where fore art thou, Romeo?" (Meaning: Paige is playing Juliet) (Ashley doesn't seem happy.) Media Immersion JT: Hey, Tobster. Check it out. Dr. Sally is coming to Degrassi, today. Toby: Who's Dr. Sally? JT: The s*x lady. But she's only talking to the eighth graders, of course. Toby: Of course. JT: It's totally unfair. I heard that she brings like props. And she gets graphic. As in pornographic. Eighth graders get all the luck. Mr. S: Ok, people as we dicussed in at the end of the last class today you guys are going to be creating a website on an animal of your choice. Emma: (raises her hand) Ooh! Can we do it on a specific animal, like Mama Onu? Mr. S: Mama who? Emma: Mama Onu. She's an endangered greenturtle from the South Pacific. Mr. S: That sounds very informative. You know, but don't forget to have fun and use the technology and your imagination, ok? That's what it's all about... (As he's talking, Toby is daydreaming about Emma (Meaning: He has a crush on her) It shows Emma flipping her hair and coming toward Toby.) Toby: Whoa. Emma: Toby. (End of daydream.) (Sean comes up to him.) Sean: Hey, man. Thanks for letting me borrow your notes. Toby: Yeah, no problem Sean. (Toby looks over at Emma.) Emma: Is that what he said? To your friend's brother? JT: You ok? Toby: Oh, yeah, fine, perfect. Eighth graders talking with Dr. Sally Dr. Sally: As the male becomes aroused, the pen1s fills with blood and he gets an erection. Now, if you want to avoid herpes, Aids, or chlamydia, and a un planned pregnancy you must practice safer s*x by using one of these, a condom. Roll the condom down over the pen1s right to the base leaving a space at the tip. This is very embarrassing, I know that. But it's something you really need to know. Protection for both of you. (Sees Spinner raising his hand) Yes? Spinner: Yea, I have a friend. He's about my age. He and his girlfriend are like totally serious. I'm talking like 8 months serious. Dr. Sally: Mm-hmm. Spinner: And how are they supposed to know when or if they're ready to you know, do it? Dr. Sally: Well, anatomically physically you're ready right now. But, emotionally psychologically, we're not sure. You have to be able to decide. Decide whether you like your body... Out in the hall Terri: Ok, I will never eat banana as long as I live. Paige: I think it was good she was so blunt. I mean, we're not all going to wait till we get married. Ashley: I'm going to strangle Spinner. Can you believe he asked that? I mean, hello, who else in this school has been going out 8 months? Paige: Well, what about you and Jimmy? I mean, 8 months is a long time. Ashley: Our relationship is deep enough without s*x. (Gets out a box) Look what he made me for our anniversary (It's a pink heart made of clay) It's supposed to be his heart. Paige: Looks more like a pile of- Ashley: I think it's sweet. Terri: It is so romantic. Paige: Romantic or... Ashley: What? Paige: Well, you got him a $50.00 chain, right? And he got you a hunk of clay? But, what do I know? (She shuts her locker and leaves) (Ashley looks at Jimmy's gift and smiles.) Cafeteria. (Spinner is sitting reading. Jimmy comes and sits down.) Jimmy: Spinner's reading? Quick, record the time and date. Spinner: Yo, man. Shakespeare was wild. Juliet like does it with Romeo, at 13. You know, I guess she was ready physically and emotionally. (Paige comes up to them.) Paige: (To Jimmy) Hey, Romeo. I've memorized my lines already. (Paige leaves.) Guy: I heard she did it last summer, at camp with a counselor. Jimmy: I have a girlfriend, right? Spinner: Right, Ashley "you'll never get past second base" Kerwin. Jimmy: Spinner "you'd better shut your mouth" Mason. Spinner: Look, all I'm saying is you got two diners, but only one selling fries and you've really got a craving for fries. Jimmy: Shut up. Toby, JT and Liberty coming out of line. Liberty: I could help you with your assignment. I get straight A's. JT: And I get straight D's. So why rock the boat? (She leaves. JT and Toby approach their lunch table with Emma, Manny, + Sean.) Toby: Oh, hey Sean. (He puts down magazines about turtles.) Emma: The wonderback turtle? Is that for Media Immersion? Manny: Isn't Emma already doing endangered turtles for her assignment? Toby: I was inspired after learning about Mama Onu to uncover the plight of other turtles. That's okay, isn't it? Emma: Of course. Who knew I could have such an impact? Toby: You know I saw this DVD in the video store the other day. It's a documentary on endangered species. We should watch it tomorrow night. JT: I thought we were going to the movies. Toby: Maybe the future of helpless animals is a little more important than that. Manny: We could watch it at my place. My dad won't let me go out on a school night, but you guys can come over. Emma: How about you, Sean? Wanna come? Sean: No, I've got other plans. See you guys later. Hall JT: Don't you think that was a bit much? "Oh, hi, Emma. I rented this dvd for tomorrow night." Toby: JT, you better shut up. JT: "I was so inspired by Mama Onu and the plight of other turtles. Emma, I...I...I love you." (Toby hits him in the stomach. Liberty sees this.) Liberty: You do know that physical violence violates the Degrassi Code of Conduct, don't you? (She leaves.) Toby: Violates the code of conduct? Ms. Kwan's Class Ms. Kwan: I'll be back in a couple of minutes. (Paige and Jimmy are rehearsing lines from Romeo and Juliet.) Jimmy: "Oh dear saint let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou. Lest faith turn to despair." Paige: "Saints do not move grant now for prayer's sake." Jimmy: "Then move not while my payer's effect I take. Thus from my lips by thine my sin is purged. (They kiss.) Ashley: "Madam, your mother craves a word with you." Ms. Kwan: Ashley, you don't come in for a half page. Ok, why don't we start from the top and keep doing what you're doing 'cause your chemistry's great. (She leaves. Ashley is not happy.) Hall Terri: Ash, don't worry about it. It's a just a homework assignment. Ashley: You don't get it. Even when we were little, anything I ever had, Paige had to have too. I have to draw the line at my boyfriend. Terri: Well, see you later. (Terri leaves.) Paige: Hey, Ash. You were a great nurse. Ashley: I know what you're doing Paige Michalchuk. Paige: What are you talking about? Ashley: I'm not blind. You were all over Jimmy in there. Paige: It's called rehearsal. Ashley: It's called backstabbing. Paige: Ashley, we're studying Romeo and Juliet, not Julius Caesar, ok? Ashley: What does that even mean? Paige: Anyway, just because you two have been going out for like forever, doesn't mean that Jimmy's bored of you. At least, he's never said so to me. Ashley: You've heard Jimmy's bored with me? Paige: Not at all. But, if I were you, I'd make sure he wasn't. Before someone with a little more chemistry comes along. Hall (Jimmy is at his locker when Ashley comes up to him.) Jimmy: Hey, Ash I was looking for you, I just- (Ashley interrupts him by kissing him.) Spinner: Yeah. Jimmy: Whoa. What was that for? Ashley: Didn't you like it? Jimmy: Sure. Ashley: Well, if you like that, you'll love what I have planned for our anniversary. Mom's going to go see Jeff perform at his orchestra and Toby's going to a friend's house, so we'll be all alone. Remember what Dr. Sally said today? Well, I'm ready. (Ashley leaves.) The street (Jimmy is walking with Spinner and a friend.) Guy: (has a basketball in his hands) He shoots, he scores! The crowd goes wild! (He passes the ball to Spinner. Spinner gives it to Jimmy. It hits him in the stomach.) Jimmy: Hey! Spinner: What's with you today? Jimmy: For our anniversary, Ash wants to give me the ultimate gift. Spinner: A Ferrari? Jimmy: You're such an idiot. No. What Juliet gave Romeo? Spinner: Ash wants to have s*x? Man, you're going to get some? You got horseshoes up your butt. Jimmy: Yeah. Cool, huh? Spinner: To mark this heroic occasion, I think you better get little Jimmy Jr. there a present. Jimmy: What? Spinner: Condoms, you idiot. Jimmy: Condoms. Right. Kerwin House (Ashley is on the computer. Terri is there.) Terri: French delight? Ashley: Thai tickler. Terri: I can't believe you can buy condoms on the 'Net. Ashley: Terri, you can anything on the 'Net. Terri: Why isn't Jimmy, you know, taking care of this? Ashley: You heard what Dr. Sally said. It's the guys' and the girls' responsibility. Terri: Are you sure you're making the right decision? Ashley: Of course. I mean, Jimmy and I love each other, right? Terri: It's just, you said your relationship was deep enough without s*x, then Paige- Ashley: This has nothing to do with Paige. Terri: I just don't want you to regret this later. It's a big deal. Ashley: I can't believe I'm listening to relationship advice from someone who's never even been on a date. Terri: Ok. I'm gonna be late for dinner. (Terri grabs her backpack and leaves. Ashley turns to the computer. At first she's not sure to order the condoms, but she then sends the order.) Media Immersion. (Emma is trying to find information on her project, but can't find anything.) Emma: There's nothing. Toby: Something wrong? Emma: Yeah, people that are hunting green turtles have also wiped them off cyberspace. Toby: Can I try? Emma: Go ahead, but it's hopeless. (He types something in and finds lots of sites.) Emma: How did you do that? Toby: It's a little gift I have. Daydream (They both grab the mouse.) Emma: Toby... End of daydream (Emma hits the mouse.) Emma: Toby! If we're going to work on this together, could you at least try to stay awake? Toby: Sorry. (She rolls her eyes and works on the computer.) Emma: Whoa, check at this site. It has tons of stuff on turtles. Way more than I've hoped for. (Toby looks bored.) Cut to: Hall Ashley walks past Terri. Ashley: Hey. I need to get in (meaning: Her locker. Jimmy is leaning on it) Jimmy: So, are we still on for tonight? (Paige approaches them.) Paige: Hey, Ashley. Uh, rehearsal tomorrow? We can do it without you. If you wanna do something else. Ashley: Why would I wanna do that? Paige: Well, the scene's all about Jimmy and me. So why would you want to wait around for what two lines? But, it's up to you of course. (Paige leaves.) Ashley: We are so on for tonight. (Ashley leaves.) Hall Emma: Come on, guys. Let's go watch Toby's DVD. (Liberty comes up to them.) Liberty: Emma, you said you'd help proofread this issue of The Grapevine, remember? It's scheduled in my palm pilot. Emma: Right. (To the others) I'll be there in an hour, I promise. (Emma leaves with Liberty. Manny waves good bye. Toby stares after them. JT waves his hand in Toby's face. Toby shoos away JT's hand. They leave. JT puts on his hat.) JT: Whoop. Kerwin house. (Ashley walks in the door. She sees her mom is home.) Ashley: Mom. What are you doing here? Kate: Last time I looked, I lived here. Ashley: But aren't you going to see Jeff perform tonight? Kate: Yup. That's why I had to go home and make myself gorgeous. (There is a knock at the door. Kate goes to get it.) Ashley: I'll get it. Kate: Ok. (She goes outside. There is a postman there with a package.) Postman: Package for you. Ashley: Hi. (She takes the package and gives him a credit card. He runs it through the machine. As she's waiting, it shows Kate checking her face in a compact. Ashley comes back in.) Kate: Hey. What's in the box? Ashley: Oh, you know, just girl stuff. Kate: Girl stuff? What kind of girl stuff? Ashley: Mom... Kate: Ok, ok. Store (Jimmy goes in the store to buy condoms.) Spinner: Well, come on. They're not going to bite you. (They go to the register.) Man: Are you sure these are the right size for ya? 'Cause we got small, medium, large, and extra large. Jimmy: Those are fine. Man: But then, you've also got your choice of regular and super sensitive. Jimmy: Just ring them in. Man: But, then there's colors to think of. 'Cause personally, I think a little bit of color spices things up. Jimmy: Just, just, ring them in, please. Man: (laughs) Ok. Kerwin House. (Jimmy comes to the door and knocks. Ashley answers the door, wearing a black dress.) Jimmy: Hey. Ashley: Hey. They go inside. [SCENE_BREAK] Ashley's room (They go inside and shut the door.) Jimmy: So... Ashley: Right (They sit on the bed. Jimmy puts the bag down. He gets up and then sits down again. They're just sitting there, not looking at each other, so you can tell they're nervous.) Degrassi Liberty: You sure my editorial on school fountation bacteria breeders isn't too long? Emma: Positive. Liberty: Great. Hey, on the way home wanna grab a smoothie? Emma: Um, actually, I forgot. Liberty: Forgot what? Not something for the paper I hope? Emma: No. Sean asked me to help him after school. I gotta run. Liberty: Ok, see you tomorrow then. Or as they say in Italy: "ado mane." Media Immersion (Sean is in there working on his project. Emma comes in.) Emma: Springer spaniels? Hardly on the endangered list. Sean: So? Mr. Simpson didn't say they had to be. Emma: No, you're right. Of course not. Why Springer spaniels? Sean: I used to have one when I lived with my parents, Charlie. Emma: What happened to him? Sean: I had to leave him. My brother's building, it doesn't allow dogs. Emma: You must miss him. Sean: He was sorta dumb, you know? He chased his own tail, he was afraid of cats, but I miss him a lot. Ashley's room (Ashley and Jimmy are laying down on her bed kissing when she gets up.) Jimmy: What's wrong? Ash? Ashley: I'm just going to go and freshen up. I'll be right back. (She goes in the hall and stands outside the door.) Ashley: Come on, Ash, grow up. You can do this, just grow up. (She goes back in the room.) Ashley: Sorry about that. Jimmy: Ash, what's wrong? Ashley: I can't. I'm sorry, Jimmy. I just can't. Maybe somebody like Paige can.... Jimmy: What did you say? About Paige? Ashley: Maybe she's the girl for you. Jimmy: You think because of this Shakespeare stuff, I wanna be with Paige? Ashley: She's ready to do this. She's done this. But, I'm not. Jimmy: Good, 'cause to be honest, neither am I. (Ashley smiles.) Outside Manny's (Toby and JT are sitting outside. Manny comes outside and sits down.) Toby: I can't believe Emma didn't show. Manny: She's probably still at school. You know what Liberty's like. JT: Emma's lucky. That boring DVD almost put me on the endangered species list. Toby: I rented it for her. (Toby leaves.) Kerwin House (Toby is going upstairs. He opens Ashley's door.) Toby: Ash, I'm home. (When he opens the door, Ashley and Jimmy are blowing up the condoms like balloons.) Ashley: Oh, Toby, um, you're home early. We were just... Jimmy: Making decorations. Ashley: Yeah, for the dance. Toby: You think I'm a complete idiot? (Picks one up off the floor) Better get these condoms away before Dad and Kate get home. I'm going to bed. And Jimmy, girls are not worth it, believe me. (Toby shuts the door. Ashley and Jimmy start laughing. Jimmy blows one in Ashley's face.) Ashley: Ow! (He takes one and gets a marker) What are you drawing? Jimmy: A symbol of our love. Ashley: Oh, I almost forgot. (Gives him his gift) If you don't like it, then... Jimmy: No. It's exactly what I want, Juliet. Ashley: Romeo. (They hug and kiss.) Hall (Manny and Toby are walking when Emma shows up.) Emma: Hey, guys. Sorry about last night. Toby: Liberty chew your ear off? Emma: No, I ran into Sean, we just started talking. He used to have this dog... Toby: So you didn't even bother showing up? Not even a phone call? Emma: What's the big deal? Toby: You said you'd come. What kind of friend are you anyway? (Toby leaves.) Emma: What's his problem? Manny: Uh, he's got a major crush on you. Emma: Toby? Another part of the hall (Jimmy's at his locker. Spinner approaches him.) Spinner: Hey. How'd it go? (Jimmy shrugs.) Spinner: What, you guys didn't...? Jimmy: Man, we were this close. Then, her brother came home early. Messed up everything. Spinner: That sucks. Want me to take care of him? (Jimmy gives him a weird look saying "No" then walks away.) Terri and Ashley (Terri is at her locker. Ashley approaches.) Ashley: Hey. About what I said yesterday? I was totally out of line. I guess I was just nervous, not that that's an excuse. Terri: Fine. Ashley: I'm sorry, Terri. Really sorry. Anyway, Jimmy really liked his gift. Terri: You guys didn't actually...? Ashley: No, of course not. It wasn't right. Terri: Jimmy wasn't upset? Ashley: No, he was pretty cool about it. Entirely cool about it, actually.

Jimmy and Ashley's eight-month anniversary comes up but with Paige playing Juliet to Jimmy's Romeo for their English class assignment, Ashley contemplates having sex with him to keep him interested. Meanwhile, Toby attempts to get closer to Emma when the seventh-graders are given an assignment on endangered animals.

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Pam: [telephone ringing] This is Pam. Oh my God, are you sure? Uh, okay. Okay, um, we'll be right there. Everybody, the balloon is falling. Kevin: Nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There's this balloon that has been floating in the rafters of the warehouse for, like, ever. And, okay, it's not -- it doesn't sound cool. You just have to see it. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Well, I guess it doesn't look that cool either. But, it's been up there a long time, so it's become a pretty big deal. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Wow. It's the end of an era. Pam: Did a good job, Buddy. Now it's time to come home. Oscar: I remember when that balloon went up there. I was still with Gil. We were so happy. Kevin: When that went up there, I had hair like Rapunzel. Ryan: How long do you think it's been up there, Kevin? Kevin: I just remember pushing aside my silky bangs to say, "Look, a balloon." Dwight: My warcraft clan was still on speaking terms. Meredith: My kid didn't have a face tattoo. Darryl: I was still thinking of going back to school. Jim: And I was still just a paper salesman. Dwight: Well this has been fun, Pam. Thanks for calling us all down here. [everyone sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] All: Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. Kill the balloon. [pops loudly] [cheers and applause] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. So they accidentally gave us an extra egg sandwich this morning. Who wants it? Kevin: oooh Darryl: Me. Phyllis: Yeah. Dwight: Right here. Nellie: Allow me to solve your problem, then. Jim: Nellie Nellie: Mmm. [bites sandwich] Oh, that is disgusting. Do you call that a King James breakfast pie? Jim: What brings you to town? Nellie: Certainly not the Harry Houdini Museum. What a nobody. Oh look, some Hungarian just found their way out of a sack. Let's build a shrine. No, I've come to work here. Dwight: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Robert did say you'd be joining us. Welcome. I'm Tony. Nellie: Mm. Pam: What? Toby: I- I said I'm Tony. Okay I made a mistake. I thought it might go unnoticed. But uh, I'm Toby. Pam: You messed up saying your name? Toby: It happens, okay? Uh, so let's just find an empty desk for you, and uh, I'm sure Robert will be with you as soon as he gets in. Nellie: That one looks empty. Jim: No, that's Andy's office. Nellie: Oh, is it? [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Another beautiful day in Tallahassee. Ooh. Good morning, Alonzo. Alonzo: Good morning Erin. [driving by delivering newspapers] Erin: How are you? How's your family doing? Erin: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Look at this place! Five rooms, and I get to clean them all. That's right. I'm a maid for an old lady. Her grandson's staying with us too because he ran out of money. [chuckles] Listen to me, bragging away. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Nellie. Nellie: Robert. Robert: How are you adjusting to life in Scranton so far? Nellie: So far, so good. Robert: Good. Nellie: Water pressure in the hotel is marvelous. Robert: Ah, well, it is astounding what a difference that can make, isn't it? Nellie: Mm-hm. Robert: Now. Let's find you something fun to do here, shall we? Nellie: Oh, I've already found it. I am manager, a natural next step. It fits like a glove. Robert: We have a manager. Nellie: Do you really? Because it is 10:00. I've been in this chair for an hour, and no other manager has come and sat in my lap. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Excuse me, has anyone seen Andy this morning? Kevin: Huh. Yeah, that's weird. He's usually here by now. Right guys? Andy: [on phone] Hello. Robert: Andy, it's Robert. Why aren't you at work? Andy: Hey, Robert. Ah, I really wish I could come in to work today, but I'm super sick. Robert: I don't care, I don't care. Please come to work immediately. Andy: Okay, I'll try to come in even though I'm really sick with the... [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [standing in ocean] ...Florida Flu. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: He just hung up on me mid-sentence. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I'm in Florida to get Erin. As soon as I heard she wasn't coming back to Scranton, I jumped straight in my car and drove straight down till I hit the ocean. My heart is my map. Turns out, Tallahassee is about 200 miles inland, so I overshot a good amount. But still, not bad for a heart map right? [picking up dead fish] Oh, no. Thanks a lot, BP. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: Not much we can do about this until he gets here. Jim: Can't you do something about this? Robert: Sometimes the flowers arrange themselves, Jim. Jim: -Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What is going on? And where's Andy? And what is going on? [SCENE_BREAK] Irene: Erin, you got a package. Erin: I'm in the bathroom. Glenn: Where's the postage? I mean, there's no shipping label. Irene: Did you wash your hands? Erin: Yes. Erin and Irene: [screaming as Andy busts out of box] Andy: [singing] Here I am; Signed, sealed, delivered; I'm yours! Erin: Andy, what are you doing here? It's great to see you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Uh, I am here to take you back to Scranton. Because I love you and I want to be with you. Irene: Where's the ring? Andy: Hm? Irene: Where's the ring, Lancelot? Erin: Uh, would you guys mind if we talked privately for a second? Sorry, Glenn. Erin: Um, Andy... I am so happy to see you. But I'm not coming back with you. Glenn: [whispering off screen] Why won't she go with him? Irene: [whispering] I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause he's not that handsome. Erin: Hey... don't listen. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: So what is going on? That does seem to be the question, doesn't it? [in American accent] Hey, this is messed up, bro. Who is this weird lady? [normal voice] I know. It's a lot. So, who knows what's going on? Anyone? You, yes. Wait, I am very good at intuiting names. Is it... chumbo? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I think it's a cross between Dumbo and Jumbo, with a hint of chubby. It's not a name. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: So no one can tell me what's going on. Well, let me illuminate things for you. We are getting to know each other. [in American accent] But why, m'lady? [in normal voice] Because I am your new manager. Pam: Robert, is Nellie our new manager? Robert: [laughs] This is an odd situation. But it's very interesting how it's playing out. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: We live in this world of routines and rhythms. Kevin ate someone's lunch. Phyllis has a new necklace. Who is this woman? [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I came in here simply trying to get to know you, learn your names, maybe have someone teach me the company song. And what I got in return was nothing but disrespect. You leave me no choice but to get to know you in a more intimate way. Kevin: Hot tub party? Nellie: Performance reviews. Pam: How can you give us performance reviews if you don't know us? Nellie: On first impressions, so I recommend smiling. It goes a long way with me. [SCENE_BREAK] Glenn: Erin, you really nailed the hot dogs today. Erin: Oh, thanks. I've been re-using the hot dog water so it gets more flavor. It's only going to keep getting better. Irene: So, Andrew, how does your skinny brunette girlfriend Jessica feel about you visiting your ex-girlfriend? Andy: Well, we're not really dating anymore, so... basically, I mean, I just have to cross a few Ts and dot a few I's, you know. Erin: So you came to get me, but you still have a girlfriend. Irene: I think you should leave, young man. Andy: All right. Technically, yes, I am still technically dating Jessica. But when I realized that I wanted you back, I just jumped in the car and I drove down here, and I didn't want to stop until I saw you. Erin: You didn't even stop to pee? Gross. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Any luck? Pam: No. He just keeps letting all the calls go to voicemail. Andy: [on phone message, singing] Please leave a message for Andy Bernard, include your na- [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Oh, you're doing so good. Oh my God, you're superman over there. [Andy's phone vibrating] Irene: You should take it. It's probably your girlfriend wondering where you are. Andy: Nope. It's just work. Not important. You know, I can really feel this is my quads, I can tell I'm getting stronger. Irene: You really wouldn't feel those kinds of results after one session. Andy: I don't know. [phone vibrating] Just let it vibrate. It's fine. Irene: You could put it on silent. Andy: I don't think it does that. Irene: Just go to preferences, then click - Glenn: [answering Andy's phone] Proctology. Jim: [on phone] Andy? Andy: Jim? Jim: Andy, where are you? Andy: I- I'm home in bed. I've been in bed all day. I got the-- I got the serious poops, man. Irene: He's here in Tallahassee, trying to turn my life upside down. Jim: What? You're in Florida? Andy, Nellie Bertram's trying to take your job. Andy: What do you mean, take my job? Jim: Like, set up camp in your office and is calling herself the manager. Andy: Okay... Jim, I really appreciate you looking out for me, but I'm not coming home without Erin. So I'll talk to you later. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Guys, we cannot do these performance reviews, okay? If we go into them, you're basically accepting Nellie as your manager, and trust me, you do not want her as your manager. Angela: Trust you? The way Pam trusted you to provide for her so she wouldn't have to work? Pam: I like working here. Jim: Dwight, should she be our manager? Dwight: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Those who can't farm, farm celery. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: And when was the last time Dwight and I agreed on anything ever? [clears throat] Nellie: All right. Let's get going. First up, it is the woman with the beautiful fingernails and the tiny feet, Phyllis. Phyllis: Nellie, I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable being evaluated by someone I don't know. Nellie: Oh. Oh, okay. I understand. Let me show you how these are gonna go. Dwight. Dwight: I refuse to be judged by someone that I do not respect. I lost respect for you in Florida. If it was up to me, you would be in jail forever. Nellie: Dwight, I have completed your evaluation. You're getting a raise. Dwight: What? Nellie: Dwight, you carry this company on your massive shoulders. You are our Atlas, and for that do you not think you deserve a raise? Dwight: There's no limit to what I think I deserve. Nellie: Then you accept it? Dwight: Five percent. No less. Nellie: Absolutely not. Seven percent. Dwight: Six percent, I know my worth. Jim: The raise isn't real. Dwight: Money isn't real ever since we got off the gold standard. Nellie: So Phyllis, now you know the rules of the game. Would you care to have a go? I'm fairly certain you're going to like it. Pam: Phyllis. Phyllis: Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: So, Phyllis, I have been very impressed with you. Phyllis: Really? Nellie: Oh, yeah. The way you conquered your fear and came in here, and now the way you sit there... all very impressive. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Um... are you aware that Nellie is giving out raises? Robert: I am not. Huh. Jim: Yeah. She gave one to Dwight, Phyllis. Robert: Let me guess, you want one too? Take the family to Disneytown? Jim: Land. World. Uh, it's not that I don't want a-- well, yes, I guess I'd take a raise. That's not what I'm saying. That's not-- sorry. Robert: Jim, I told Andy to come in, and yet he is still not in. By contrast, Nellie Bertram saw a vacuum and filled it. To make no mention of her business experience or her relationship with Jo Bennett, my boss. Jim: Yes. Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor? Jim: Oh, god, nature, please. Robert: When two animals are having s*x, one of them... Jim: [exhales sharply] Robert: ... is communicating a message to the other. Nothing is mutua-- this isn't very helpful. You're gonna want to hear the sexual metaphor. Jim: Was that not the-- Robert: All life is s*x. And all s*x is competition. Jim: Mm-hm. Robert: And there are no rules to that game. That wasn't so perverted, now was it? Jim: Was that it? No, that wasn't bad. Robert: My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn't he decide who the manager is? Jim: No. I would've said no. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Mm, let's see, review, review, review. Yes, good stuff. Here you go, have a raise. Kelly: Oh, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I mean, if we go in there and take these raises, what are we saying? That it's okay for someone to just take someone else's job? Shouldn't work like that. Dwight: No, you know what? Nellie's right. That is exactly how it should work. Darryl, this office is mine now. Darryl: No. Dwight: Yes. Darryl: No. Dwight: Yes. Darryl: No. Dwight: Yes. Darryl: No. Dwight: Yes. Darryl: No. Dwight: Yes. Yes, sorry too late. I'm here. This is mine. Back off. Dwight: [Darryl grabbing him by his hair, dragging him from office] Ow! Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, Ow. Dwight: [panting] Well fought. I accept the outcome. Creed: Touch me and I'll sue. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I've heard that's amazing when it works. Andy: Yeah, if I had my own-- Erin: Andy, I care about you and I think-- Andy: --sorry, you go. Erin: No, go ahead. Andy: Well, I was just going to say that, if I had my own fountain, it would be two frogs that are spitting into each other's mouth. It's just stupid. What were you going to say? Erin: Andy, you broke my heart. Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected by you and to have to watch you date someone else? Andy: You broke my heart too. Erin: You broke my heart more recently and more often. And I think at some point, in my head, it just sort of clicked that we're not meant to be. Andy: I'm so sorry that we have not loved each other at the same time. Erin: I know. Andy: [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: So, Pamela, I'm going to start this review, not by telling you what you lack, but rather, asking you what it is you want. Pam: Really? Okay, well, um, I like consistency in the manager's position, no weird silent coups. Stuff like that. I'm easy. Nellie: That's not really what you want. What you want is a good night's sleep, working mother of two. Pam: Whoa, that's kind of condescending. Would you say something like that to Jim? Nellie: Does Jim have to breastfeed? Did Jim carry around those babies for-- what is it? 12 months? Be honest, does Jim really get up in the night? Pam: Well, I mean, the only reason he doesn't is because I'm breastfeeding, and Phillip doesn't like a bottle. Nellie: You must be exhausted. Fancy a nap? Pam: No. Nellie: Go on. Have a nap. Lie down right here. There's a blanket in here. I used it earlier myself. Dreamt I could breathe underwater like Jacques Cousteau. No one will know. I'll wake you up. And when you wake up, you will earn more money. Pam: I think... you're a witch. Nellie: I think you're amazing. You know that, right? Go on, say it: "I'm amazing." Pam: [drowsily] I'm amazing. [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Irene: Erin, I think you're making a big mistake right now. Andy is a nice boy. Erin: Really? 'cause you've been kind of a B to him all afternoon. Irene: I was protecting you because I thought he was no good. But I can tell you really like him. And he's willing to lose his job for you, in this economy with Europe on the brink-- Erin: Irene, what would you do without me? Irene: We're not your concern, sweetheart. Besides, Glenn's going to sue Home Depot. Erin: Why? Irene: He got his foreskin caught in some lawn furniture. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Jim, time for your review. Jim: No, it's not, because you don't really work here. Nellie: Why are you so staunchly defending your friend, who has abandoned you? Wouldn't you rather come talk with me? Maybe definitely get a raise? Jim: Yeah, that's the thing. I don't know if you can even give raises. Nellie: Jim, have you ever heard of a character named Tinkerbell? Jim: Yes. Nellie: I'm Tinkerbell. Jim: No. Nellie: Mm-hm. I'm a magical fairy who floated into your office to bring a little bit of magic into your lives, to give you all raises. Stanley: And we are grateful. Nellie: But here's the thing about Tinkerbell, Jim. Everyone has to believe in her or she doesn't exist. Jim: She dies. Nellie: She dies! Now who here believes in Tinkerbell? Jim: Let's see it. Show of hands. Kevin: I do. [applause] Come on everyone... Jim: All right, guys, stop. Meredith: I already spent the money. Jim: How? Kevin: Come on Jim, you're killing her! All: We believe! We believe! Robert: Look at this wonderful recognition of Nellie's leadership. I believe. [applause continues] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: That did not go how I wanted it to. Ugh. I have a whole ton of Erin's favorite food for the drive back, eggplant parm. [tosses it out car window] It's biodegradable. Animals will eat it. Erin: Andy wait! [running down street] Andy! Andy wait! Don't go! Andy I love you! Stop! Oh, this is the wrong Prius. I don't love you. I'm sorry. Andy: Erin! Erin: Andy. [horns honking as they kiss in the street] Erin: Let's get out of here. Andy: Okay. Erin: Let's go. Andy: Wait, we have to go back and get your stuff. Erin: No, I don't have any stuff. Andy: Like your toothbrush and stuff. Erin: I don't have one. Andy: You don't have a toothbrush? Erin: No. Andy: How do you not have a toothbrush? Erin: I just... there's always one around. Andy: You just use whichever one is sitting there? Erin: I always find one. Have you ever heard of buying a toothbrush? Andy: Of course. I own my toothbrush. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: I grew up poor. I had little formal education. No real skills. I don't work especially hard, and most of my ideas are either unoriginal or total crap. And yet, I walked right into a job for which I was ill-prepared, ill-suited, and somebody else already had, and I got it. If you ask me, that's the American dream right there. Anything can happen to anyone. It's just random.

Andy drives to Florida to try to win back Erin. Nellie revisits the Scranton branch and takes over as regional manager, assuming that because the manager seat is vacant, she can have it. This usurping divides the office into pro-Andy and pro-Nellie factions.

fd_Nowhere_Boys_03x13

fd_Nowhere_Boys_03x13_0

Jesse: Welcome to Bremin High, Luke. Jesse: It's like everyone's just... Disappeared. I saw someone! Ben? Hi, guys. We got shifted out of our reality into an alternate reality. Come on, hurry up. Heath: What is that?! (GROWLING AND HISSING) Please don't make me go back. There's only room for one Ben in every universe, and this one is mine. Empty World, Good Ben. Our world, Bad Ben. Ben: The Atridax appeared in this world after we came back from the Empty World, which is when you had those marks on your backs, right? Ellen: Little is known for certain of the ancient Atridax, often referred to as the Four Pillars of evil. (SIRENS WAIL) Did we do that? Tell me what's going on here? You wouldn't understand. Nicco: Kayla! What is that? Kayla?! She's gonna give the egg to the other me. Nicco: She's back! Ben, don't! I'm guessing that is not a good sign. [THEME MUSIC] We can stop this, right? I couldn't last time. Jesse: In the Empty World, you were on your own. You're not in this one. For now. Hey, you've got us. (CAR APPROACHES) Heath: Uh-oh. Mama Bear, 10 o'clock. (CAR DOOR CLOSE) Oh! Luke! I've been looking everywhere for you. Get in the car. Mum... Not up for a discussion. I don't want to. I need to stay with my friends. Get... in... now. And as for the rest of you, I don't know what you're doing, running around here, but I expect to see you early tomorrow morning for your yard duty. And if I find out anything else, I'm all eyes. Heath: She's scary! Lucky I'm wearing two pairs of underwear. I don't feel so good. We're nearly home. (SIGHS) Take a seat. I have to find a book for tomorrow's English class. Can't I just walk home? Your dad's already on his way and you know what? While you wait, I think it's time we talk. Now, sit. We let you go out yesterday, but there was nothing in our agreement that meant you could sneak out before dawn. I promised Sergeant Roberts. What were you thinking? Mum... Now is the time to think about what kind of person you want to be. And I don't think you want to be someone who hurts other people. We used to be able to talk. There's no point. You wouldn't understand. Try me. Please. OK. (SIGHS) Mum... Mum? Mum! Nicco: How do you feel? I'm... (DEMONICALLY) ... starving. That's normal. Heath: ... ish. Nicco: I'll go get you something. Whispering Voice: Kayla. What's wrong? Kayla?! What's happening to her? Creepy. Kayla: (DISTORTED) Give me... What? ... earth! OK, maybe not so normal. (PHONE RINGS) G'day, mate. You ready? Luke: Dad! I'm here. I'm down the corridor. Dad, it's... it's Mum. She's... What's happened? She's gone! Did you have a fight? It's our fault! We brought it here. Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, slow down. Slow down. Take a deep breath... and tell me, what's going on? This... You would never understand. You wouldn't believe me, OK? I'll listen. Look, Dad... You. [SNARLS] You took them! You did this! (SNARLS) You took them! (GROANS) Whispering Voice: Kayla, come! Kayla? Are you OK? I think she's the definition of not OK. Not helping. Kayla: Ah! (NORMAL VOICE) What's happening? You said you wanted earth. What did you mean? I don't remember. Here. Eat something. You'll feel better. Mmm. Mmm! OK, when this is over, we need to have a chat about table manners. Heath: And that creepy voice. Bad Ben was speaking strangely too. Jesse: Was he eating like that too? Should I try? It's worth a shot. Kayla: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. (PANTS) What did you see? It's in the forest. Though it doesn't look fully formed yet. It's like a three-quarter demon, but it wants Kayla. Whispering Voice: Kayla! She's still a part of it somehow. Whispering Voice: Kayla! Heath: Oh, there she goes again. Kayla, what are you doing?! What are you doing? Jesse: Hey, Kayla! Whispering Voice: Come to me. Stop her. We have to get her back inside. It's not safe. Nicco: Not too tight. Don't hurt her. That's a hitch knot. She's not going anywhere. Whispering Voice: We needed to be together. (DEMONICALLY) Give... me... earth. Isn't there some magic thing we can do? No, we need Luke. (DEMONICALLY) Earth. Heath: Whoa! Nicco: Kayla? OK. This is a new development. How is she doing that? Ben: I have no idea. (NORMAL VOICE) What's happening to me? You'll be OK. Jesse: It's just dirt. What if Kayla doesn't want to destroy the earth? What if she IS earth? Earth, like me? Is she an elemental? Or maybe something else happened. When she was in the egg, she combined with the earth Atridax? You mean a part of it is still in her? Maybe the earth part. That's why it's incomplete. Anna: Hey, Nicco, have you seen the sky? It's on the news. There's two moons. Some weird atmospheric phenomenon. Yeah, I saw it! We can't stay here. We need to find a way to get this thing out of her. Oh! What are you doing? We're just practising a magic trick. For a talent show. You know, like Houdini. Kayla volunteered. (LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) Jesse! Just promise me there's no rabbits this time. We should probably go. And, girls, remember, dinner's at six, OK? Uh! Oh! (CHUCKLES) Oh! What's this for? Nothing. Everything. See ya. Bye. We have to get that thing out of her. Well, should we go to the hide-out? We're not taking her back there. Why there? Well, that's where everything else happened. The weird altar, the egg. I don't see a better idea. I guess. (CAR APPROACHES) Wait. Tell me that's not Bates again. Get in if you want to live. I've always wanted to say that! Nicco: Hi, Luke. Heath: Dude, things have been crazy. Jesse: Hi, Luke. Your mum let you out? Are you OK? Nicco: What's wrong? It's started disappearing people. Your mum and dad? Gone. Tried to fight it but I had nothing. I'm gonna destroy it. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (ALL SPLUTTER) I can't breathe. Luke! Luke... There's no air! (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) It's stuck! Luke! Try... and control it! (DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS) (ALL COUGH, GASP) What did you do?! I don't know. I was angry and... You haven't lost your power. You just can't control it. Ellen: Let's get outta here. So, we do the reversal spell and that'll get this thing out of Kayla? Ellen: Hopefully, this symbol should help focus the reversal spell. Jesse: What are we going to sacrifice? Sacrifice?! It's not as bad as it sounds. How about these bracelets? I made them with Kayla when we came back. They should work. Kayla: Is this going to hurt? No. You'll be OK. I'll be right here. You're the brave one. Not me! Let me tell you a secret. Being brave is just pretending that you're not scared. It's all you have to do, OK? OK. OK, Nicco, start the spell. The rest of you join in. Elements that speak... Wait. What? If part of the mega-demon thing is still inside of Kayla and it's incomplete... Then doesn't that mean it's... Weak. Weak may be understating it. It's still disappearing people. What happens if Kayla's earth part combines with the rest? When the elements are together, they're stronger, just like you. Great. A full-strength demon. I'm starting to miss the Atridax. We should just fight it now, while it's still not formally formed. Fight it? With what? Our original plan send it back to the Empty World. How? Express Post? We... we open a portal. Luke: It can't go through as one. It needs to be split up, like the Atridax. What if it does go through fully formed, when it's not in four parts? Yes, that's what I want to know. Regardless, people, you'll need to work together to pull this off. Luke, we need to get your head in the game. (TAPE SQUEAKS) Nicco: We can't have you wandering off again. This is just to keep you safe. (TAPE SQUEAKS) I am so sorry that I have to do this. I know. It's OK. Watch her. OK? Yep. We won't be long. I'm just outside. (DOOR OPENS) (SIGHS) (DOOR SHUTS) Do you want a drink or something? I can't really hold one right now. Yes, of course. Yes. Ellen: Push all thought and emotion from your mind. Focus only on the feather and blow. Moving a feather? That's how we beat this mega-demon? Can't we do a cool powers combo heat plus wind equals fire-nado? You won't be able to do anything if Luke can't get his power under control. Ignore them, Luke. (SNICKERING) Heath: Oh, way to go, Luke. I can't... I can't do it. Ellen: Not with that attitude. And you are not helping. Sorry. Ellen: Try again. (BLOWS) [SCENE_BREAK] (WIND HOWLS) OK, maybe somewhere in between next time, in case you blow us to smithereens. Whispering Voice: Ben... Whispering Voice: Ben... Do you hear that? I don't hear anything. Whispering Voice: Ben... Wait here. Like I'm going anywhere. Bring Kayla to me. No. You're not my grandpa. He died. I helped you. I was your only friend when you were alone. You attacked me. And my friends! Oh. You have friends now, do you? And how long do you think that's going to last? You, shut up! I'll call out! I can give you back your world, and everyone who disappeared. If you're so powerful, why don't you get Kayla yourself? Afraid of my friends or, what... can't you do it? Well, she's just in there. I warn you, don't make this mistake. (DEMONICALLY) Bring... her... to me! No. Ellen: Alright, Luke. It's OK. It's coming! Run! Run now! Ellen: Quick! Get inside! Come on, Ben! Heath: Get in, get in, quick! In, in, in! (DEMONICALLY) Give me earth! Oh, no, not now. Divinity of the elements, I summon thee. All: Air, fire, water and earth. In my quest I call you forth! (HOWLING AND THUMPING) It's not working! Luke, concentrate. All: Divinity of the elements, I summon thee. Air, fire, water, earth. In my quest, I call you forth. It's gone. Ellen: For now. But the protection spell won't hold it off for long. In my vision, it was at an altar in the forest. Of course! It's the most powerful place in Bremin. The ley lines intersect there, magnifying magic power. Hang on. I don't think the demon is able to get Kayla itself. It said I had to bring her to it. Well, we're not doing that. Well, we can't leave her alone. And we definitely can't take her with us. There is one other option. Ellen: It's a weird thing we're putting her through... Hey. Girl: Hey. What's this babysitting emergency? Claude babysat 6-year-old twins on a sugar high. She can handle anything. Handle what, exactly? Actually, it's best I don't know. Ellen: When you get to the forest, you won't have much time. So, you need to open the portal. OK, one question. How are we going to make the mega-demon go in the portal? Call it like a puppy? "Here, Demon, Demon, Demon." That'll work. I got it. We trap it. OK. Again with the how? Well, we know the demon is missing earth. OK, so we use earth against it. But we need enchanted earth. I know what might work. (SIGHS) No! Stop! I'm not impressed, Niccolina. I mean, you can't expect me to clean up after you and your friends like this. Sorry. I'll take over. (SIGHS) I mean, honestly, you should know better than this. (WHOOSHING SOUND, GLASS BREAKS) Mum? (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) People, are we ready? We'll get your mum back. I didn't even check on Yia Yia. If she realises Mum is gone... Everyone will be gone soon. Not at all helpful, Ben. Map and spell. What if everything we do isn't enough? Boo-hoo! No more complaining! You need to get it together. You've got one chance at this. It'll work, but only if you are all together... No, no! Ellen? What the...?! She's gone! What are we going to do? What was she going to say? It doesn't matter. Let's go. Claude: This is the weirdest but easiest babysitting gig ever. Whispering Voice: Kayla... (DEMONICALLY) Give... me... earth. Are you OK? You sound like you have a fur ball. Whispering Voice: Come now... Oh, is it too tight? Whispering Voice: Fight it. Whispering Voice: Break free. Look, I... I know I said I wouldn't ask any questions but I gotta... Hey! What are you doing? Kayla, get back here! Oh, that hurt. That's my bike. Kayla, get back here! Luke: Hurry. The map says this way. Jesse: What do you mean, she ran off? OK. Yep, no, we'll definitely get your bike back. Talk soon. My bad. Claude messed up. Kayla's taken off. No! She'll be heading for the altar. We have to get there before she does. There's a lot more hiking involved in magic than I thought there'd be. Everyone knows the plan? We all know what we need to do? Hey, you're going to be OK with all this? Yeah, there's plenty of other things I'd rather been doing, but... This is it. When we smash this demon, it might fix your world as well. (SIGHS) My world's collapsing in on itself. I doubt if it even exists anymore. Good luck, Ben. Oh, I'm gonna need it. Luke: Keep him busy! We've got your back. You all remember Ellen's spell? Hey. You going to be able to hold it together? No more human vacuum. Good. Ben: Hello? I've changed my mind. I will bring you Kayla. I want to get my world back. Come out. (HISSING) (SNARLING) (ROARS) Maybe you can pretend to be my grandpa again. Jesse: I can't believe all this came out of Kayla. Ben: Before I get Kayla, you need to prove my world is OK. Now. All: Earth, dirt, sand, protect us with your power. All: Ground, soil, land, keep in that which would devour. All: Elements we call together, a binding thread which lasts forever. Luke: Force-field. That's cool! (ROARS) The portal. All: Divinity of the elements, I summon thee. All: Return us all to where we want to be. All: Take this earth, fire, water, air... All: universe, reclaim and repair! Jesse: It's working! It's being pulled in! Kayla: (DEMONICALLY) I'm here. Kayla! Oh, no! No, no, no, no. Kayla! Stop! Jesse: Nicco! Stop her. Luke: Ooh, what is that? Ben: It's drawing it out of her. Get out of there! Uh... uh... Luke: Oh, no! It's gonna combine. All: Ahhhh! OK. What now? I think it's free to do whatever it wants. (GROWLS) We have to get out of here. No, no, no, no. I've got this. I'm not afraid of you. Luke, no! What are you doing?! Stop! Dude, don't! (WIND HOWLS) Ahhhh! That can't be good. What have you done? I feel OK. Heath: What's that? Nicco: What's going on? Jesse: What's happening? Luke: OK, maybe... (DEMONICALLY) ... maybe not so OK. He's turning into it. Ben: Luke, focus. You can fight it. Ben: Concentrate, Luke. Lucas! Ben: You can beat this. Luke, just hold on. (GROANS) Jesse: Hold on. And don't let it take over you! (DEMONICALLY) I can't. I think it's winning. I can't hold it. Ben: Concentrate. Jesse: Just think happy thoughts. And not demon thoughts. Really?! It sounded right. Luke: Together... Oh, no, thanks. Together! Us together. Wait a sec... Wait, Ben, what are you doing? It's what Ellen said... we are stronger together. (GROWLS) Jesse: Be careful. Heath: Ben? (GROWLS) Heath: what are you doing? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Luke: I need you guys. It has to be together. We have to anchor him. Come on! Quick! Come on! Hold him. (WIND HOWLS) Keep going! (WIND HOWLS, SCREECHING, GROWLING) (EXPLOSION) (ALL PANT) Ben: Question answered. That's what happens when it goes through the portal... Kaboom! Nicco: Look! One moon. Oh, we did it. Heath: That was savage. You OK? Yeah. Kayla: I feel weird. I think I threw up dirt. You're back! You're OK. I knew you could be brave. Ben? What? Other Ben: Don't let it hurt me. It wasn't my fault! Come back! It's OK. Jesse: Ellen! Hi, gang! Whatever you did, it worked. You're back! Oh! (ALL LAUGH) Ben: People are coming back. Weird to see your world with people in it. You saved my world. I'm going to miss you all. We'll miss you too. Everyone probably still thinks you're a super-nerd, though. Super-nerds are super-cool. (LAUGHTER) Just never say that out loud again. Bye! Girl: Bunch of freaks. Anyways, so what are you...? Uh, yard duty means picking up the rubbish. Yes, Miss Jarra. Heath: I can't believe we still have to do this. I feel like people should know we saved the world. It doesn't work that way, Jesse. Yeah. So, we just go back to class like nothing ever happened? Yeah. But I am thinking about getting a costume. Heath: You wear tights, you're on your own. Hey, no, there's nothing wrong with tights. Yeah, Batman wears tights. Yeah, you're not Batman. I'm better than Batman. I don't even need the gadgets. If you wear tights, I will set fire to them. Unreal.

People are disappearing and all is not right with Nicco's sister, Kayla. Realising she has part of the Demon inside, the gang trek to the forest to fight the Demon while it's incomplete. But Luke's parents have disappeared and he can't control his power. Will he get it together in time?

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x01

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_13x01_0

TERROR of the ZYGONS By ROBERT BANKS-STEWART First transmitted : 30th October 1975 Running time : 21:41 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. North Sea Oil Rig (Exterior) (An oil rig sits silently in the North Sea. The water around is still. All is calm.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. North Sea Oil Rig (Interior) (A jolly looking Scottish RADIO OPERATOR sits at a radio and talks into a microphone.) RADIO OP: Hey, listen Willie! With tomorrow's supply, can you no send over some haggis? (A strange buzzing/ringing sound comes up. The RADIO OPERATOR looks around nervously. There is a crackle and the radio link stops.) RADIO OP: Hello Willie? Can you hear me, over? This is Charlie Rag burning control. Are you receiving? I say again Charlie Ragtie burning control. Can you read me, over? (The lights suddenly go out. The room shakes. A crushing sound can be heard outside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. North Sea Oil Rig (Exterior) (One of the giant stone legs holding up the rig cracks in half and the large building starts to fall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. North Sea Oil Rig (Interior) RADIO OP: (In panic) Mayday! Mayday! [SCENE_BREAK] 5. North Sea Oil Rig (Exterior) (The building is nearly gone. The ringing screams in the background.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. North Sea Oil Rig (Interior) RADIO OP: Mayday! Mayday! [SCENE_BREAK] 7. North Sea Oil Rig (Exterior) (There is an explosion and the oil rig collapses into the waves. Nothing is left of it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. Edge of Forest (The DOCTOR, SARAH and HARRY march through the edge of a forest after being summoned to earth by the BRIGADIER. The DOCTOR is wearing a tartan scarf. (HARRY is wearing his other one.) SARAH has on a large black hat. No one says anything but the DOCTOR stops and raises his hand.) DOCTOR: Halt! (He looks around.) DOCTOR: Forward! (They walk on. The DOCTOR looks down at a small device he is carrying. It is guiding him to where he wants to go.) DOCTOR: There we are! (The DOCTOR points happily to a road a few minutes walk away. One car passes. He holds up his device.) DOCTOR: Follow me. (They run off. The DOCTOR takes the lead.) SARAH: (Shouting) Hold on! 9. By the road (Another car comes up. Inside, a man sees the DOCTOR waving from the side of the road and stops next to them.) SARAH: Hi! DOCTOR: Good morning. (A serious looking, oldish man sits in the large car. He is the DUKE OF FORGILL.) DUKE: Are you wanting a lift? [SCENE_BREAK] 10. Another road (A line of UNIT soldiers march down a road in a neat line. There is the sound of engines and a green car passes them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. Outside Inn (The car drives up to an inn. Inside is RSM BENTON and another soldier. They hear the sound of bagpipes coming from nearby.) BENTON: Hey, listen to that! It's young Angus at it again! (The other soldier grins.) BENTON: Okay. Take her in. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. Inside Inn (The BRIGADIER sits in a chair inside the old building. Around the room are lots of pictures and models. On one wall is a moose head. Another man, HUCKLE, stands next to the BRIGADIER.) HUCKLE: Three rigs destroyed in a month. Two of them ours, General.BRIGADIER: It's the Brigadier actually. HUCKLE: Well Brigadier, my company has lost millions. BRIGADIER: The government is equally concerned, I can assure you Mr Huckle, though more especially about the loss of life. HUCKLE: (Gets up) If this keeps up, pretty soon there won't be a man willing to work out there. Do we have to put up with this hullabaloo? (Meaning the bagpipes.) BRIGADIER: I'm afraid we've rather opposed ourselves on the landlord. If he wants to play his pipes, there's not much I can do about it. (The BRIGADIER sees BENTON standing by the door.) BRIGADIER: Ah, Benton. Any news of the Doctor yet? BENTON: No Sir. Nothing yet. (The BRIGADIER looks at his watch.) BRIGADIER: He ought to have materialized by now. (He gets up and goes to an old cash register.) BRIGADIER: Mr Benton. BENTON: Sir? BRIGADIER: Is this thing still working? BENTON: As far as I know, Sir, yes. BRIGADIER: You get on well with the landlord, don't you. BENTON: Well, yes Sir. I suppose I do. BRIGADIER: Well, tell him to play the pipes when we're out of here.BENTON: Alright Sir. (BENTON looks out of the window and sees a car coming up.) BENTON: Oh, there's the Doctor now, Sir. (The BRIGADIER peers out of the window and sees him.) BRIGADIER: Good lord! [SCENE_BREAK] 13. Outside Inn (The DOCTOR steps out of the car and holds the door open for SARAH and HARRY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. Inside Inn BRIGADIER: Mr Huckle? Who's the man in the driving seat? HUCKLE: Him? Oh that's the Duke of Forgill. The local big shot. He doesn't make things easy. He owns just about everything in this part of Scotland, except for the shore bays, and, frankly, he doesn't like us not one little bit! (The door to the room opens and the tartan-dressed DOCTOR walks straight in.) BRIGADIER: Oh, welcome back, Doctor. DOCTOR: I want to know one thing, Brigadier. (He points at the BRIGADIER's kilt.) DOCTOR: What's that? BRIGADIER: That, Doctor, is a kilt. (SARAH chuckles.) DOCTOR: Suits you very well. BRIGADIER: Oh, do you think so? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Um...um...this is his grace the Duke of Forgill. He very kindly gave us a lift. DUKE: I had to pass here on the way to the oil base. HUCKLE: To see me. (The DUKE strides forward.) DUKE: To see you, Mr Hickle. HUCKLE: Huckle. DUKE: To complain yet again about your rough necks trespassing and poaching on my property. HUCKLE: My men have been warned, Sir. If anyone is caught, they will be dismissed immediately. DUKE: Let me give you a final warning. If I catch them on my land again, they'll be shot. And that's not an idle threat, Mr Hickle. HUCKLE: I'll be expecting you, Brigadier.BRIGADIER: Yes, Mr Huckle. (HUCKLE leaves.) DUKE: I trust the army isn't going to help these people. Is that why you were sent here? BRIGADIER: No Sir. We're a military investigation team. DUKE: Investigating what? BRIGADIER: I'm afraid out mission is a sensitive matter, Sir. DUKE: Official secrets and all that twaddle, eh? Well I won't pry, though my family have served this country for seven centuries, but that doesn't seem to count these days, does it. Good day to you. (The DUKE leaves the room.) BRIGADIER: What an odd man. Rather medieval in his ideas. DOCTOR: A man in conviction. HARRY: All the same, he did save us a long walk, Sarah. SARAH: Anyway, it's nice to see you again, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: And you, Miss Smith. SARAH: Though I didn't expect to see you in a kilt! BRIGADIER: My dear Miss Smith, as you remember, my name is Lethbridge-Stewart. The clan Stewart. SARAH: Oh sorry! I thought you were doing a Doctor! (Laughs.) BRIGADIER: What an absurd idea. DOCTOR: Brigadier, why have you called me back? I hope you've got a very good reason. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. The shore of a beach (A man is washed up onto the shore. He is wearing a rubber ring and appears to be dead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. Inside Inn BRIGADIER: All three rigs were in this area. (He points to a map of Scotland where the accidents are labelled.) BRIGADIER: Therefore it seems... (The DOCTOR bangs on the table.) DOCTOR: Brigadier, Brigadier! Have you brought me two hundred and seventy million miles just to sort out a trouble at sea? BRIGADIER: Three serious disasters, Doctor. DOCTOR: When I left the psionic beam with you, Brigadier, I said it was only to be used in an emergency! BRIGADIER: This is an emergency. DOCTOR: Oil an emergency? Ha! It's about time the people who run this planet of yours realised that to be dependent on a mineral slime just doesn't make sense! Now, the energizing of hydrogen...BRIGADIER: Doctor, the destruction of these rigs is a complete mystery. Do you want more men to die? DOCTOR: No. (He puts his hat on his head and leans backward.) DOCTOR: Very well. When do we start? BRIGADIER: The oil company - we're paying them a visit this afternoon. (HUCKLE searches through a filing cabinet and takes out a red folder. He looks at it, making sure it's the right one and closes the drawer.) HUCKLE: Here's the preliminary medical report on the condition of the bodies. (HUCKLE hands the folder to HARRY who opens it up.) HUCKLE: They died the same way as the others - exposure and drowning. HARRY: Yes, so I heard, Mr Huckle. (HARRY flicks through the papers.) HARRY: There's quite a few crush injuries. HUCKLE: The rig collapsed. HARRY: (To BRIGADIER) I think I'd better take a look at these, Sir. BRIGADIER: Yes, good idea, Sullivan. You go across to the sick bay and we'll meet you back at the headquarters. HARRY: Aye Aye, Sir. SARAH: (To HARRY) I'll come with you as far as the village. I could talk to some of the local people and see what I can find out, okay. See you later! HARRY: Bye Doctor. (HARRY and SARAH go. The DOCTOR stares into space. The BRIGADIER looks at him strangely, then goes over to a model of an oil rig. He holds one of its giant white legs.) BRIGADIER: You know these things always reminded me of three legged spiders in Wellington boots. HUCKLE: Correction - concrete boots. Thousands of tons of it. Those babies were meant to be unsinkable. DOCTOR: (Getting up) Yes, and so was the Bismarck, and we all know that story. HUCKLE: We spent a fortune proving the Waverley field geologically sound. Everything is constantly checked for stability - winds, tides, the constant moving of the sea bed.DOCTOR: You say these radio blackouts have happened before? HUCKLE: Each time a rig has disappeared. DOCTOR: No low range craft in the area, nothing suspicious? HUCKLE: Difficult to be sure. It was at night. The radio picked up some strange sound, but as far as we know, the sea was calm and empty. DOCTOR: Maybe calm, but never empty. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. In the Inn, later in the day (The landlord of the inn, ANGUS MCRANNALD, washes a table. SARAH is talking to him.) MCRANNALD: That's right. I'm Angus Ferguson McRannald. My family's been in these parts for generations. SARAH: Really? Well, they tell me in the village, Mr McRannald, that besides being the best piper for miles around, you also have second sight. MCRANNALD: Well, I am the seventh son of the seventh son. Well, do you know, the fellow who was with you, The Doctor, he looks likes a man who may see around a few corners himself. SARAH: Quite a few. (SARAH sees on the wall the large moose head.) SARAH: Aw. That's a fine looking head. MCRANNALD: Aye. Beyond the 12 pointer. Brought down by the Duke of Forgill himself. Gave it to the me this last week. SARAH: He's a strange man, this Duke, isn't he? MCRANNALD: Would you think so, miss? You know, I would give it a favour to remember he is a McRannald - my chief. SARAH: No, no, of course. It's just, after he picked us up in his car, he never spoke a word. All the way to the village! MCRANNALD: Ah well. It's true he's not the Duke I remember. He has been a different man since the oil companies came. SARAH: You seem to blame everything on the oil companies. MCRANNALD: Aw well, his servants have left to go and work with them. I've said Forgill Castle is a cold, empty house these days. Wouldn't a care to set foot in it myself. Now that's a fact. [SCENE_BREAK] 18. Zygon Spaceship (Two orange-coloured hands twist dials on the side of a green control panel. The ZYGON's veins show up brightly, its fingers are dark red and covered in small lumps. The sounds of SARAH and MCRANNALD can be heard, and they can be seen in a monitor.) SARAH: The local people say you had a vision of disaster for the oil company. MCRANNALD: Do they now? They seem to have done a fair bit of watching in the late twenty year! SARAH: Is it true? MCRANNALD: I'm no saying, but only bad luck comes to them who step over Tulloch Moor. SARAH: Really, why? MCRANNALD: Tulloch Moor's a strange murky sort of place. When the mist comes down, it's like the steam from a witch's cauldron. Nobody in these parts will cross the moor after dark. (The face of an orange creature watches the screen. Its eyes are black.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. Inside Inn SARAH: Ah, Mr McRannald, that's just superstition, surely? MCRANNALD: Call it that, if you like. SARAH: Well, has anything ever happened to anyone up there? MCRANNALD: Aye aye. There was a man, a foreigner, from far away. Stayed at this very inn. He went out in the moor. Never seen again. SARAH: Ooh. He left without paying his bill did he? (MCRANNALD stares at her.) SARAH: When did this happen, anyway? MCRANNALD: 19 hundred and 22. Then there was the case of the Jameson boys, although that was a wee while ago. SARAH: Okay... (She sits in a chair next to MCRANNALD.) SARAH: What happened to them? MCRANNALD: It was, let me see, 1870. They were out cutting peat and the mist came down. Donald just disappeared. They found the other brother, Robert, two days later, wondering about off his head. His eyes, his eyes were terrible to see. For the rest of his life he never spoke again. Take my word for it, dear, there are ancient mysteries here. Evil spirits haunt Tulloch Moor. (SARAH gets up.) SARAH: Maybe, but I'm certain of one thing, Mr McRannald: evil spirits don't destroy oil rigs. (ANGUS MCRANNALD watches as SARAH leaves the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. Shore of beach (The man in the rubber ring slowly gets up and steps out of the ring. He stumbles into the muddy beach. He falls over and picks himself up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. Cliff (Another, larger, man walks across the beach. He is holding a gun. He has a ginger beard and hair, and he is wearing a kilt.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. Road (A little way off, a green car drives up to the bottom of the cliff. HARRY steps out of the car and notices someone stumbling around on the cliff, as if drunk. HARRY jumps forward and starts running towards the stranger. The ginger-haired man watches through the long grass. HARRY reaches the man, who is breathing heavily. He is the RADIO OPERATOR from the destroyed rig.) RADIO OP: The rig! I was on the rig! HARRY: Yes, it's alright, old chap. Don't worry. I'll have you in a hospital in no time. RADIO OP: It's too late. I didn't have a chance. HARRY: What do you mean? What happened? RADIO OP: It suddenly came at us...smashed the rig to pieces. HARRY: What did? (The man with the gun bends down and focuses his gun on the RADIO OPERATOR. He pulls the trigger and fires. There is the sound of a gun shot and the OPERATOR falls over - dead. HARRY quickly gets up, but there is another gun shot. He clutches his head and falls down. There is a large mark of blood on his forehead.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. Inside Inn (The DOCTOR is fiddling at an object when SARAH comes in. The sound of ANGUS MCRENNALD's bagpipes are playing.) SARAH: Hi! (The DOCTOR doesn't reply. He starts to push a metal square into a wire.) SARAH: What's that? (There is still no answer.) SARAH: If you're interested, the Brig's on the quayside, watching wreckage being brought ashore. DOCTOR: Hum. SARAH: Hmm. Thought that would interest you. He's being very secretive. If you ask me, he is wasting his time. Oh yes, might as well forget about security in Tulloch. The landlord here's got second sight... (The bagpipe playing suddenly stops. SARAH seems shocked.) DOCTOR: Know what he was playing? Flowers of the Forest. A lament for the dead. (SARAH smiles awkwardly.) SARAH: What is that thing you're fiddling with? DOCTOR: It's part of the radio probe system. Used to stop the localised jamming. SARAH: Well, what if that gets jammed too? (The DOCTOR looks at her. SARAH laughs and picks up the phone which has started ringing.) SARAH: (In a Scottish accent) Hallo. Fox Inn. (Her expression changes.) SARAH: Harry's been shot! [SCENE_BREAK] 24. Zygon Spaceship (The ZYGON's hand turns a mushroom-shaped button. It talks to another ZYGON in a whisper.) ZYGON: Strength? ZYGON 2: Tiastelic reading 703. ZYGON: Increase the sonic quarter by three marks. ZYGON 2: Increased three marks. Contact firm. ZYGON: Check direction at pass. ZYGON 2: Pass correct to within one earth mile. Closing. [SCENE_BREAK] 25. Loch Ness (A giant, silvery, scaly creature sits quietly at the bottom of Loch Ness. The sound of ringing starts.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. Radio Room (HUCKLE talks to the radio operator at Ben Nevis Oil Rig.) HUCKLE: Say again. Over. OPERATOR: (OOV) I'm bringing in control to 3, Ben Nevis 3. Over. HUCKLE: Got you, Ben Nevis, loud and clear. [SCENE_BREAK] 27. Ben Nevis Oil Rig HUCKLE: (OOV) How are things out there, over. OPERATOR: Everything fine. Any news of your investigation? Over. HUCKLE: (OOV) Nothing much. The Brigadier... (The radio link crackles and stops. The strange ringing sound starts.) OPERATOR: Hello? Hello? I'm bringing in control. This is number 3 rig. Are you receiving me? I say again, are you receiving me? Over! [SCENE_BREAK] 28. Radio Room HUCKLE: No not again! Ben Nevis, Ben Nevis! Are you there? Are you there? Over! [SCENE_BREAK] 29. Sickbay (HARRY lies motionless in a bed. He is watched by the DOCTOR and SISTER LAMONT.) DOCTOR: Has he said anything? SISTER LAMONT: No. DOCTOR: What? Nothing at all? SISTER LAMONT: No, he's still in shock. The bullet grazed his skull. (The DOCTOR takes his hat off and leans close to HARRY.) DOCTOR: Harry. Harry! Can you hear me, Harry? It's The Doctor! Can you hear me? (The BRIGADIER and SARAH enter the room.) SARAH: Is he all right? DOCTOR: No he's not. He has got a scalp wound. He needs time. BRIGADIER: Yes, but time is the last thing we have, Doctor. Another rig has just been destroyed. DOCTOR: What? BRIGADIER: The Ben Nevis Rig. 15 miles west of the Prince Charlie. 40 men on board completely vanished. DOCTOR: Same pattern? BRIGADIER: Exactly the same. First of all radio blackouts and then that extraordinary sound. Now Mr Huckle's going mad. DOCTOR: I'll come back with you. SARAH: I'll stay with Harry. Then I can call you if there's any improvement. DOCTOR: Good girl. SARAH: (To HARRY) Harry! Harry! It's me, Sarah! SISTER LAMONT: I think you should let him rest. He is under sedation, you know. SARAH: Oh yes. Yes of course. (SISTER LAMONT leaves. SARAH stares at HARRY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30. Outside hospital (A car drives up and BENTON climbs out. The DOCTOR looks in the back of the car, where there is a large, square stone with two holes in it.) DOCTOR: What's that? BRIGADIER: Part of the wreckage from the Prince Charlie. It's been curiously marked. Look. (The BRIGADIER pushes a stick he is holding into the holes.) DOCTOR: Mr Benton? Nip into the sickbay, will you, and fetch some plaster of Paris. BENTON: Plaster of... DOCTOR: Paris. They'll have some to spare. BENTON: Okay, Doctor. DOCTOR: How very curious. (He examines the holes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31. Inside Inn (A few hours later) (The plaster of Paris has hardened inside the two strange holes.) HUCKLE: Doctor, do you mind telling me exactly what you are doing? DOCTOR: A little experiment in orthodontology. HUCKLE: Orthodontology? DOCTOR: Teeth. Teeth. The scientific study of teeth. (He pulls the mould out of the stone. It is shaped like two giant, sharp teeth.) DOCTOR: It's the cast of a tooth, wouldn't you say? HUCKLE: Teeth? Doctor, you can't be serious. DOCTOR: Teeth are very serious things, Mr Huckle. HUCKLE: Look. Lets get things straight. Are you trying to tell me that the rigs were chewed up by a set of giant molars? DOCTOR: Yes. A set of giant molars that can chew through steel as easy as paper. BRIGADIER: Do you suggest we're dealing with some kind of sea monster? [SCENE_BREAK] 32. Zygon Spaceship (The ZYGON listens to the DOCTOR speaking on the monitor screen.) DOCTOR: (From screen.) Yes. A monster of frightening size and power. ZYGON: This one they call the Doctor is a threat to us. Already he has found out too much. He must be destroyed. [SCENE_BREAK] 33. Sickbay (SARAH watches the unconscious HARRY in the bed. Suddenly he seems to wake and he clutches his forehead.) HARRY: Sarah? SARAH: Yes. HARRY: (mumbles.)SARAH: It's alright, Harry. HARRY: There's a man... SARAH: What is it? HARRY: There's a man on the reef... SARAH: What are you trying to say? (Sister Lamont enters.) SARAH: Sister Lamont. I didn't hear you coming. SISTER LAMONT: Doctor Sullivan, how are you feeling? SARAH: Harry. What did you find out? Did Munro tell you anything? HARRY: Munro? SARAH: The man on the beach. The man who was shot. HARRY: The rig...the rig...was shaking... SARAH: Yes? HARRY: The rig was...falling...shaking... SARAH: And then what, Harry? Keep trying. I'm going to phone the Doctor. SISTER LAMONT: (To HARRY.) It's alright, Doctor Sullivan. You're quite safe. Your worries are over now. You're going to be very well looked after. (She leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34 . Inside Inn (The DOCTOR is on the telephone to SARAH.) DOCTOR: (To BRIGADIER.) She says he's recovering. (To SARAH.) Good. Good. Has he said anything? [SCENE_BREAK] 35. Room outside Sickbay SARAH: Well, he's starting to speak. I think there was something he wants to tell us. [SCENE_BREAK] 36. Sickbay (HARRY is alone in the sickbay. He starts speaking to himself.) HARRY: The rig...the rig was smashed to pieces...nothing left...Munro in the water. (The strange ringing sound starts up.) HARRY: Struggling, cold, exposed...No! No! No! (HARRY looks really scared and starts leaning backwards. Something is there...) [SCENE_BREAK] 37. Inside Inn DOCTOR: No, no. I'll be right over. [SCENE_BREAK] 38. Room outside Sickbay DOCTOR: (OOV, from telephone.) ...and Sarah, better keep his recovery dark for the moment. SARAH: Why, do you think he is in danger from something? AHHHHAHHH!!! (She screams and drops the telephone. A huge orange creature is reaching out to her - the ZYGON!)

The Doctor, Sarah and Harry are summoned back to Earth, where the Brigadier asks them to investigate the destruction of a series of North Sea oil rigs.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x01

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x01_0

5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. PLANET (A landscape on a seemingly deserted planet. The smooth ground seems to be covered with an asphalt-like tarmac. Splits have occurred in this smooth surface, and from these, trees and plant life spring in abundant quantity. The level of the ground is broken by large rock formations, craggy, but apparently made of the same material as the ground. Vegetation also pushes its way out of gaps in these rocks. It is a peaceful and quiet scene.) (The silence is broken as the TARDIS materializes.) WILLIAM EMMS [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (STEVEN is seated and getting a haircut from VICKI. They watch the DOCTOR as he switches off the TARDIS controls with his usual evident satisfaction.) VICKI: Arrived, have we? (The DOCTOR switches off the final controls and the room falls silent.) DOCTOR: We have my dear. STEVEN: Good. Where? DOCTOR: Well, we shall know all about that when we have a look at the scanner, shan't we? (The DOCTOR switches on the scanner.) DOCTOR: Now, you can both take a look. STEVEN: Where are we, Doctor? Is it a planet you recognize? (STEVEN starts to rise.) VICKI: Keep still, you nuisance! STEVEN: (Shouting.) Well now, I want to see where we are! VICKI: (Shouting.) ... ! (The DOCTOR waves to them to be quiet and then adjusts some controls.) DOCTOR: Quiet, both of you, will you? Listen! (There is silence.) STEVEN: Listen? (Whispering.) Listen to what? I can't hear a thing? DOCTOR: Exactly, exactly. There isn't a sound out there. Not a sound! Just silence... [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. PLANET (The silence is overpowering, strange. No sounds of any animal life, plant life or even of a wind...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The silence in the room is soon replaced by the DOCTOR'S fussing of the dials and switching of the control panel. He looks over the readings.) DOCTOR: Well, the atmospheric pressure's quite normal; oxygen, temperature, radiation. It's all quite normal... I wonder. Hmm. I wonder if it's possible to have a planet so obviously conducive to life and yet without any? VICKI: Well, I've finished chopping this fellow. Can we go out and see? DOCTOR: Yes, I don't see why not my child. It appears absolutely deserted. As a matter of fact, I think we shall get some long-deserved... undisturbed peace for once. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. PLANET (From behind a cluster of rocks, near the TARDIS, comes a chattering and jingling sound. Suddenly a robot, constructed of three collapsible domes, increasing in size and stacked one on top of the other, appears on the rocky slope above and stops. It gives out a strange series of bleeps, jitters and other sounds. The robot fidgets this way and that, then faces the police box. For a moment it chatters to itself.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (STEVEN examines his haircut in a mirror.) STEVEN: Well, it's not bad... it's a bit amateurish. VICKI: Oh, c'mon! STEVEN: You never know, there might be a lake or a river around, Doctor. Do you fancy a swim? DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) My dear young man, this isn't a joy ride! This is a scientific expedition! STEVEN: Oh come off it, Doctor! You can't be scientific all the time. Anyway, er, you look as if you could do with a good wash-down. (The DOCTOR mumbles to himself at this insult.) VICKI: (Smiling.) What, get him in cold water? you'll be lucky! DOCTOR: From past experience, we must always be on our guard. STEVEN: Yes, well I'm prepared to take the risk. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. PLANET (The robot moves towards the TARDIS and bumps into it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR and VICKI jump at the sound of the collision.) VICKI: (Softly.) What's that? (STEVEN walks back into the console room.) STEVEN: Well, are we all ready, then? (He is interrupted by a further bump from the outside.) DOCTOR: Shh, shh! [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. PLANET (The robot bumps into the TARDIS yet again, chitters and jingles, then slowly turns to the right, all the time keeping in contact with the outside of the ship. When it is in line with the side, it moves forward, constantly bumping the side, obviously feeling its way along. At the corner it stops, makes various little noises, then nudges its way around and proceeds along that side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR, VICKI, and STEVEN are standing and listening. The sounds can clearly be heard within the ship.) STEVEN: (Whispering.) What's going on? VICKI: (Whispering.) Something is feeling it's way 'round the ship. DOCTOR: (Softly.) Yes. Like something trying to discover by touch. Something blind. (VICKI moves around, facing the sound of the noise.) VICKI: (Softly.) It's just reaching this corner now. DOCTOR: (Softly.) Yes, it is blind. VICKI: (Softly.) Whatever it is? DOCTOR: (Softly.) As you say my dear, whatever it is. [SCENE_BREAK] 11: EXT. PLANET (The robot bumbles its way around the last corner of the TARDIS. It stops, chitters to itself, then moves off a small distance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (As the robot moves away, it comes into view on the scanner screen. The robot stops, a light starts flashing on top of it, and it starts to emit a high-pitched, whistling sound.) DOCTOR: Just look, now! Now look, there's something quite different, isn't it? Hmm, hmm! (The DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI continue to stare at the scanner.) STEVEN: (Apprehensively.) You know Doctor, it... it looks to me as if it's... sending some kind of message. What do you think? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, it... it... it might be that. It... ah... to its controller whoever it might be, hmm? STEVEN: Yes, or whatever it might be. DOCTOR: Yeah... (He realises what STEVEN has said.) DOCTOR: Hey? VICKI: (Happily.) Oh look! It's got a sort of... "chumbley" movement! STEVEN: (Surprised.) "Chumbley"? VICKI: Yes you know, all sort of... chumbley! (The DOCTOR laughs. They turn away from the scanner. The robot is now out of sight.) DOCTOR: It's gone now. Hmm. STEVEN: (Disappointedly.) Yeah, bang goes my swimming! VICKI: Oh, it doesn't take much to put you off. A sweet little thing like that? DOCTOR: You know, I must be wrong child. There is life out there, yes, a very intelligent... highly intelligent life... to build machines like that. VICKI: Chumbley! (The DOCTOR turns to the control panel and flicks some switches and levers.) DOCTOR: Well, Chumbley, if you like, my child. (He laughs quietly.) STEVEN: You know, Doctor, that thing might have been dangerous. DOCTOR: Mmm. VICKI: (Scoffing.) Ohh... STEVEN: What are we going to do about it? (The DOCTOR operates a control and the TARDIS doors swing open.) DOCTOR: I'm going to find out. Come along my child. And bring my stick. (The DOCTOR walks out of the ship. VICKI grabs his walking stick and she and STEVEN follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PLANET (The group exits the TARDIS. the DOCTOR sniffs the air.) DOCTOR: Oh, it's delightful. (He takes his stick from VICKI.) DOCTOR: Yes, thank you. Just about the right amount of oxygen, hmm? (Laughs.) VICKI: Umm! I can smell flowers! DOCTOR: Oh indeed! How delightful. Well, there's one thing child - there's no Chumblies about! (The DOCTOR and VICKI laugh. The DOCTOR locks the TARDIS door.) STEVEN: Vicki! Look at this! (STEVEN points upward. VICKI shields her eyes with her hands and looks at the sky.) VICKI: Three suns!? STEVEN: Yes, I wonder which one we're revolving around? (As VICKI looks away, something in a clump of nearby bushes catches her eye.) VICKI: Oh look! There's those flowers that I could smell... hey, they're roses! (She moves to examine them.) VICKI: No they're not, not quite roses, but almost. (The DOCTOR moves away from the TARDIS, glances up at the suns, then looks around.) DOCTOR: This silence reminds me of the planet, er, Xeros. VICKI: You don't think we've jumped the time track again, do you? DOCTOR: No, no, my dear, not again, not again, but, uh... it's so quiet. STEVEN: Yeah, it's almost too quiet. (VICKI has spotted something and looks alarmed.) VICKI: (Fearfully.) Doctor! DOCTOR: Mmm? VICKI: (Fearfully.) A Chumbley! (The DOCTOR and STEVEN turn. From behind the TARDIS a CHUMBLEY appears, pointing a short, rod-like appendage at them from beneath its dome.) STEVEN: That one looks pretty vicious! Doctor! Is that a gun? DOCTOR: Stand still! Otherwise we all might be killed. (The DOCTOR moves cautiously towards the CHUMBLEY and addresses it.) DOCTOR: We come in peace. We don't wish you any harm. (STEVEN edges slowly to the right as the DOCTOR speaks. The CHUMBLEY is silent.) VICKI: He can't speak. DOCTOR: No, but, uh, by the look of that thing sticking out in front, it's unmistakably like a speaker to me. (THE CHUMBLEY now makes whistling sounds.) VICKI: Trying to talk. DOCTOR: Hmm. (STEVEN slowly bends to pick up a piece of rock. As he does he makes a slight sound. Immediately the CHUMBLEY trains its gun on him.) VICKI: Steven, look out! DOCTOR: You dumb fool! STEVEN: I was only trying to get something to protect us...! DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Oh, indeed, yes! Very noble indeed! (The CHUMBLEY makes the same humming noise as it did when it circled the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (Annoyed.) Now you've put the thing on its guard. (Intrigued.) Yes, it's interesting, it's fascinating. Did you notice that, er, it didn't do anything until you made a noise? STEVEN: Yes, it is blind. VICKI: But it can hear. DOCTOR: Oh yes, and very accurately! You know, I believe it can locate us by some form of... heat wave, as it were. (With its usual chirruping sounds, the CHUMBLEY moves toward them. It reaches the DOCTOR and nudges him. The DOCTOR steps back and it nudges him again. He backs some more. The CHUMBLEY then moves away and starts to move toward STEVEN and VICKI.) STEVEN: Do you get that feeling that it... wants us to go somewhere, Doctor? DOCTOR: Stand still. Don't let it move you. (The CHUMBLEY whistles again. They remain as they are despite the nudges of the CHUMBLEY. Then it pauses as it apparently receives a message. It chatters to itself, then points its gun at some vegetation on one of the rocky slopes and fires. The vegetation plants bursts into flame. The DOCTOR, VICKI, and STEVEN react at this demonstration.) DOCTOR: As neat a treat as ever I saw! VICKI: What was it? DOCTOR: Well, it's some kind of light ray, very powerful and dangerous, I would say. I think we're... we'd better do what the thing wants us. (Laughs.) STEVEN: Yes, c'mon Vicki. (The three travellers turn in the direction the CHUMBLEY indicates, and they move off. The CHUMBLEY follows closely behind. As they move across the landscape, the CHUMBLEY moves from side to side, herding them along. A short way ahead a spur of rock overhangs the route that they are taking. Two women are in hiding on the spur. They are DRAHVINS. They have blonde hair and their faces are straight and set, showing no emotion. Three rows of dots appear to be their eyebrows. They wear high-necked uniforms. Each holds a futuristic-looking gun. Both look toward the CHUMBLEY and the travellers as they approach. One of the DRAHVINS puts her gun aside and holds up a thin sheet of metal mesh. The other also puts her gun aside and grasps the other edge of the mesh sheet. As the DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI approach, the DRAHVINS ease themselves forward in readiness. Together the two DRAHVINS hurl the mesh down, and it lands on the CHUMBLEY. The CHUMBLEY'S domes instantly collapse down on top of each other. The DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI turn in surprise.) DOCTOR: (Stutters.) What the...? (The two DRAHVINS jump down from the spur and join the travellers.) VICKI: Who are they? STEVEN: I have no idea, but aren't they a lovely surprise? DRAHVINS ONE AND TWO: We are the Drahvins. STEVEN: And... (Chuckling.) ...very nice too. DOCTOR: (To STEVEN.) Ahh, tcha, tcha, tcha. (To the DRAHVINS.) What might the Drahvins be? DRAHVIN ONE: We are from the planet Drahva, in Galaxy Four. STEVEN: Yes, well you seem to have put a pretty effective stop to this thing. DRAHVIN ONE: As long as the metal mesh covers it, the control waves cannot reach it. VICKI: (Suspiciously.) What do you want? DRAHVIN TWO: We came to rescue you from the machines. STEVEN: Why? DRAHVIN TWO: Maaga will tell you. STEVEN: Maaga? DRAHVIN ONE: Our leader. DOCTOR: Why can't you tell us, hmm? DRAHVIN ONE: Our mission was to rescue you. We have done that. We have no other instructions except to take you to Maaga. DRAHVIN TWO: We do nothing until a leader speaks. DOCTOR: I see. DRAHVIN TWO: You will come now. VICKI: Doctor, I don't trust them. I don't think that we should go with them. DRAHVIN ONE: If you stay here, more machines will come. They will capture you and take you to the Rills. DOCTOR: The Rills... are these the people that control these things, hmm? DRAHVIN TWO: They are not people. DRAHVIN ONE: They are things. DRAHVIN TWO: They crawl. DRAHVIN ONE: They murder. VICKI: Murder? DRAHVIN TWO: They have already killed one of us. DOCTOR: Oh, I should like to meet these Rills! STEVEN: And be killed, Doctor? DOCTOR: This is only what they say, and who are they, hmm, hmm? STEVEN: At least they stopped the Chumbley. Doesn't that prove something? DOCTOR: Eh, yes, all right, perhaps you better take us to this Maaga, this leader, whatever it is... VICKI: (Interrupting.) Doctor! More Chumblies! (They all turn. In the distance three CHUMBLIES are moving in a straight line toward them.) DRAHVIN ONE: The mesh! (The two DRAHVINS try to remove the mesh sheet from the CHUMBLEY, but it will not come off. The others watch.) DRAHVIN ONE: It's caught! DOCTOR: They're all magnetized so that you can't get the top off. VICKI: They're getting close! (The DOCTOR looks around and reacts.) DOCTOR: Goodness gracious! STEVEN: Look, it won't come off. Let's leave it. DRAHVIN TWO: We were instructed not to lose... STEVEN: Look, were you instructed to be killed as well? VICKI: For goodness sake! DRAHVIN ONE: We must go! VICKI: Come on! They're nearly here! DOCTOR: Come! Come! VICKI: You all right, Doctor? DOCTOR: Quickly! Quickly! (They rush off. A moment later the pursuing CHUMBLIES move in and circle the other CHUMBLEY trapped beneath the metal mesh. One CHUMBLEY moves in and reaches out to grasp the metal mesh with its mechanical arm. It pulls the mesh clear, releasing its trapped companion. They move off in the same direction that the DRAHVINS, the DOCTOR, and his companions have taken.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. PLANET (The fugitives run as fast as they can across the planets surface.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DOCTOR, VICKI, STEVEN, and the two DRAHVINS approach the door of the spaceship. The craft is a flat, octagonal vessel supported by struts. All of them are out of breath from running and are clearly exhausted.) DOCTOR: (Breathless.) Oh! VICKI: Ah! DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious! VICKI: Are you all right? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. Ahh, it's all this physical exercise at my age. (Laughs quietly.) (DRAHVIN ONE looks back nervously in the direction from which they have come.) DRAHVIN ONE: They're nearly here. Quickly! Inside! (DRAHVIN ONE leads and the others follow her into the spaceship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP DRAHVIN ONE: Close external door. DRAHVIN THREE: Close external door. (The door that they have just come through slides shut, with a whine of power. The door has a large window in it. VICKI looks through it, as the DOCTOR and STEVEN study their surroundings. The airlock area leads directly into a large room, one wall of which is lined with machinery. There are tables, chairs and benches in the room. Several observation windows are in the walls. The DOCTOR is coughing and holds his handkerchief up to his mouth.) STEVEN: Well, it, ah, was a decent space ship once. DOCTOR: (Breathlessly.) Very backward now, isn't it? Yes, it's almost fossilized. (He laughs.) STEVEN: Oh I don't know, it's got one or two good features... (VICKI runs to her companions from where she has been looking through a window in the door.) VICKI: We've, uh, just beat those Chumblies... they're still outside. DOCTOR: Are we safe here? DRAHVIN ONE: Yes. They cannot enter. DRAHVIN TWO: Silence! Maaga is coming! DOCTOR: Maaga! (Laughs.) We're back there again! (The DOCTOR, VICKI, and STEVEN all laugh together. MAAGA, the leader arrives. She looks identical to her subordinates but has a cold and chilly character about her. Her voice, although crisp and icy, has more emotion than the other DRAHVINS.) MAAGA: Report! DRAHVIN ONE: Mission accomplished! We have brought the prisoners. VICKI: Prisoners? MAAGA: And the metal mesh? DRAHVIN ONE: (Fearfully.) It stopped the machine. MAAGA: Good. DRAHVIN ONE: (Fearfully.) We... could not... get the mesh back MAAGA: What?! DRAHVIN ONE: (Fearfully.) It... became... affixed... to the... machine. STEVEN: She's got them pretty frightened, hasn't she, Doctor? DOCTOR: (To MAAGA.) Yes, dear madam, the young lady speaks the truth. The Chumblies are magnetized. (MAAGA glances at the DOCTOR, then back to the two DRAHVINS.) MAAGA: (To the two DRAHVINS.) I will deal with you both later. Sit. (DRAHVIN ONE and DRAHVIN TWO go to a bench and sit down after placing their guns in a rack. MAAGA looks across at the DOCTOR, STEVEN, and VICKI, and attempts to soften her voice.) MAAGA: (To the DOCTOR.) I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. Won't you sit down? DOCTOR: Aahhh... yes, heh heh, thank you, I will, hmm. (He wipes the seat with his handkerchief before sitting down.) MAAGA: I had to hear the report first. DOCTOR: Oh naturally! MAAGA: It is necessary when you are at war. STEVEN: (Surprised.) At war? MAAGA: With the Rills and their machines. VICKI: The Chumblies! MAAGA: This is a fight to the death. For existence itself... (The DOCTOR nods to himself, thinking, but gives no other reaction.) DOCTOR: I see. MAAGA: ...in which one of us will be obliterated. DOCTOR: Oh? As bad as that? MAAGA: (With menace.) Yes, so bad that it is conceivable that you, too, will be obliterated. DOCTOR: Oh, come now! There is no need to exaggerate. MAAGA: It's no exaggeration! VICKI: (Suspiciously.) You want to kill us, don't you? You want to. MAAGA: When a planet disintegrates, nothing survives. (The DOCTOR is suddenly alert.) DOCTOR: (Scornfully.) Disintegrates... this planet, hmm? MAAGA: Yes, it's in its last moments of life. Soon it will explode. DOCTOR: When? MAAGA: In fourteen dawns' time. STEVEN: Look, how do you know? How can you be so certain? MAAGA: The Rills told us. That is why they're repairing their spaceship... so that they can escape. DOCTOR: Hmm... well that sounds reasonable enough to me. (Laughs.) MAAGA: We must capture that spaceship from them. STEVEN: What for? This is a spaceship as well, isn't it? MAAGA: Yes, but it cannot fly! The Rills shut us down! We cannot move! STEVEN: You... you don't belong here? MAAGA: No. Nor do the Rills. There is no life on this planet. We come from Drahva. Some four hundred dawns ago, we were investigating this particular section of the galaxy. We were looking for a planet such as this, capable of supporting life so that we might colonise it. There are too many of us on Drahva. STEVEN: All women? MAAGA: Women? STEVEN: Er... yes... Women! (He is stuck for a further explanation.) DOCTOR: Yes... er... feminine... female (The DOCTOR laughs in a slightly embarrassed way and gestures at MAAGA'S own form.) MAAGA: (Realising.) Oh! (Laughs.) We have a small number of men... as many as we need. The rest we kill. (The smile on the DOCTOR'S face slowly disappears.) MAAGA: They consume valuable food and fulfill no particular function. (MAAGA gestures disdainfully at the three DRAHVINS.) MAAGA: And these are not what you would call human! They are cultivated in test tubes. We have very good scientists. (She hits her chest.) MAAGA: I am a living being! They are products... and inferior products! Grown for a purpose and capable of nothing more. STEVEN: Grown for what purpose? MAAGA: To fight, to kill. (STEVEN and VICKI look at each other. VICKI is sickened.) DOCTOR: (Somewhat sarcastically.) Yours must be a very interesting civilization. (Laughs.) You attacked the Rills? MAAGA: No. We were in space above this planet. When we saw a ship, such as we had never seen before. We did not know it, but it was a Rill ship. It fired on us, and we crashed. But before we did, we managed to fire back so that they'd crash, too. On landing... they killed one of my soldiers. STEVEN: What are they like, these Rills? MAAGA: (Whispers.) Disgusting! DOCTOR: Well, (Laughs.) that's no description, no description at all. (Laughs.) MAAGA: That's all I'll say. DOCTOR: Yes, I... I think I'm beginning to understand. STEVEN: Well, so am I, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Thinking.) Yeah... STEVEN: This planet's about to explode, the Rills have managed to repair their ship in time so they can escape... you haven't, so you want their ship. MAAGA: (Coldly.) We have no desire to be here when this planet ceases to exist. (DRAHVIN THREE, on watch at an observation window, calls out.) DRAHVIN THREE: Machine approaching! [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. PLANET (A CHUMBLEY moves across the landscape, approaching the DRAHVINS' spaceship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (MAAGA strides to an observation window and looks out.) MAAGA: To your stations! (Immediately the DRAHVINS take up positions by projections in the bulkhead, which are, in fact, guns.) MAAGA: Switch off the outside radio! (One of the DRAHVINS operates a switch.) VICKI: What are they doing now? STEVEN: They're going to have another go at the Chumblies, by the look of things. DOCTOR: Switch off the outside radio? Why, I wonder, hmm? (MAAGA turns from the observation window to answer.) MAAGA: They send the machines to tell us lies. We do not wish to hear them. DOCTOR: Yes, er, madam! You may not but I'd like to, uh, hear it. (Laughs.) MAAGA: It's not good for my soldiers! (The DOCTOR goes over to the observation window and stands by MAAGA. By now THE CHUMBLEY is silent.) DOCTOR: Ahh, I see. It's stopped. MAAGA: Yes, now it is sending its message. Fire! (Firing commences.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. PLANET (The CHUMBLEY is hit by a burst of smoke and flame. It collapses its domes and is still for a moment, then it raises them again and extends an aerial. It chatters to itself, as if sending a message, and turns and moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (The DOCTOR and MAAGA are looking out of the observation window and see what has happened.) DOCTOR: (Laughs.) You didn't do it very much damage, did you? (Laughs.) MAAGA: (Coldly.) My only intention was to scare it off. We've succeeded. (To her people.) To your places. (DRAHVIN ONE and DRAHVIN TWO immediately go back to the bench. DRAHVIN THREE exits the main chamber.) DOCTOR: And you haven't destroyed one Chumbley yet. MAAGA: (Quietly.) We will. DOCTOR: You know, I think you rather underestimate the Rills. Why should they tell you that this planet is going to die, hmm? MAAGA: They were trying to tempt us on board their spaceship so that they may kill us! STEVEN: You know, it seems to me as if they offered you help. MAAGA: That is what they maintain. VICKI: They might have been speaking the truth. They might have meant it. DOCTOR: On the other hand, it might have been a pack of lies. MAAGA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well this planet could last another billion years. MAAGA: Yes, that we have no way of proving. DOCTOR: I have... I'm a scientist! (MAAGA stares at the DOCTOR.) MAAGA: (Relieved.) Very well! I should be grateful if you would find out. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you, thank you! Well, I'm afraid we shall have to go back to my ship. (Laughs.) (The DOCTOR moves to the door and indicates for VICKI and STEVEN to join him.) MAAGA: Oh wait! You cannot all go. DOCTOR: Oh, but, ah, why? VICKI: Prisoners? Are we? MAAGA: Of course not. But if you should encounter the machines... STEVEN: What of it? MAAGA: I could not guarantee to rescue you again. DOCTOR: Oh, ho ho, you worry too much! (Laughs.) MAAGA: I shall feel easier if one of you remain behind. VICKI: I'll stay. DOCTOR: But my dear...! VICKI: (Firmly.) I'll stay! You'll need Steven anyway if you bump into the Chumblies again. (MAAGA signals for a DRAHVIN to open the outer door. As the DOCTOR and STEVEN leave, STEVEN turns to VICKI and gives her a reassuring smile.) DOCTOR: (Nervously.) Yes, well, very well, eh heh, young man, eh, you and I will go, (Laughs.) yes. (Laughs again.) DRAHVIN THREE: Door opening! (With its whirring sound, the door opens and the DOCTOR steps out.) STEVEN: We won't be long, Vicki. Promise we won't get lost. (VICKI nods and smiles bravely. STEVEN leaves and the door shuts.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. PLANET (The DOCTOR and STEVEN appear over the edge of a slope near the TARDIS. STEVEN sees danger ahead.) STEVEN: Chumblies! (They both crouch down and look ahead. A CHUMBLEY is by the TARDIS and is making obvious attempts to gain entry. After a little while it gives up and withdraws, to be replaced immediately by a second CHUMBLEY, who moves up to the ship.) STEVEN: Can they get in Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, they'd have to be... pretty well advanced to break my... force barrier, ha, ha...! Hmm? (There is a screaming of metal as the second CHUMBLEY brings some mechanized force to bear against the door. The DOCTOR and STEVEN continue to watch from their vantage point.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. INT. DRAHVIN SPACESHIP (VICKI is on her own in the spaceship. She sits on a bench, tense and unhappy. She sighs, stands up, and is about to move to look out of the observation window when she hears something. She goes over to the bulkhead and presses her ear against it.) MAAGA: (OOV.) To lose the mesh with great incompetence. It was our only weapon against the machines. If we lose to the Rills it will be because of you. You want that, do you? DRAHVINS: (OOV.) No... no... MAAGA: (OOV.) You want to be captured by those creeping, revolting, green monsters? You want their slimy claws to close about your necks? You fools! You fools! (The DRAHVINS moan with dread...) DRAHVINS: (OOV.) No... no... no... (VICKI shrinks away in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. PLANET DOCTOR: I wonder what they're up to, eh? STEVEN: Trying something else by the look of it. DOCTOR: Yes... (A CHUMBLEY, in a last futile attempt, tries its light ray on the doors of the TARDIS. The CHUMBLEY gives up, transmits a message, and moves off.) DOCTOR: There! You see, my boy, look, not a scratch! Not a scratch! (Laughs.) STEVEN: Yes, well, are we going in or not, Doctor? DOCTOR: I certainly excelled myself with that force barrier. STEVEN: (Exasperated.) Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: (Stutters.) Now wait a minute... (He takes a careful look around.) DOCTOR: I think they've all gone to bed! (Laughs.) (They walk over to the TARDIS and the DOCTOR starts to open the door.) DOCTOR: Well, it's a very good thing I've got you around, young man, to tell me what I'm supposed to be doing! STEVEN: (Humouring him.) Yes, you're so right, Doctor. DOCTOR: Hmm? Hmm! (They enter the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR moves across to his astral map machine and presses buttons. He adjusts various dials with growing concern.) STEVEN: Well, Doctor, will this planet explode? (The DOCTOR nods, coming to a decision.) DOCTOR: The Rills were quite right. STEVEN: Then we've got to get off the planet! DOCTOR: Yes, if the Drahvins let us go. STEVEN: We've got to make that sure they do! DOCTOR: (Excitedly.) They need our help with the Rills! Why do you think they've held Vicki back? STEVEN: Okay, but we've got to get off here somehow! DOCTOR: It's imperative we leave at once! STEVEN: Why is that? The Drahvins did say fourteen dawns. DOCTOR: Two dawns! Tomorrow is the last day this planet will ever see.

Missing episode The Doctor, Vicki and Steven arrive on an arid planet where they meet the beautiful Drahvins and the hideous Rills. Each has crash-landed after a confrontation in space. The Rills are friendly, compassionate explorers. The Drahvins are dull-witted, cloned soldiers, terrorised by the intelligent, warlike matriarch Maaga. Both ships are damaged. The Drahvins' craft is irreparable, but the Rills' is almost ready to take off. Although unable to breathe the oxygen atmosphere, they employ efficient robot drones, which Vicki nicknames "Chumblies". Despite numerous offers by the Rills to take Maaga and her crew to safety, she refuses their aid. When the planet is discovered to be on the point of disintegration, Maaga tries to force the time travellers to help her steal the Rills' ship and kill the Rills. Instead, the Doctor allows the Rills to draw power from the TARDIS to refuel and escape, leaving the Drahvins to their fate.

fd_The_Office_05x17

fd_The_Office_05x17_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am on a lecture circuit. I'm goin' around to all the branches, and I'm telling them my secret recipe for success. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have now memorized all of your names. Shirty, Mole, Lazy Eye, Mexico, Baldy. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [holding a chainsaw] And I turn it on and I say 'Prepare yourself for the Utica Chainsaw Massacre.' [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: How's Jim? Pam: We're engaged. Karen: Oh my God, I'm so happy for you! Pam: Oh, wow, thank you! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You remember Holly? She used to work for HR? She's the love of my life. She just left... and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure. Pam: ... Okay, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [Kevin is holding two ice cream treats] Two? Kevin: I didn't eat lunch. [Oscar gives Kevin a look] I didn't eat all my lunch. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [enters smiling and waving] Hello, everyone. Oh, ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good. Kevin: It... yeah. Oscar: Angela, you're more chipper than usual. Angela: I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. [takes a breath, excitedly] She's hypoallergenic. She doesn't struggle when you try to dress her. She's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in 'Meet the Parents.' Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. Meredith: How much? Angela: Seven thousand dollars. Creed: For a cat? I could get you a kid for that. Oscar: Where'd you get that kind of money? Angela: I sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay. Kevin: Wait, you didn't give it back? Angela: He wouldn't have wanted that. Her name is Princess Lady! Meredith: Seven grand? Angela: Mm-hmm. Meredith: I gotta see that little bitch. Angela: I have something better than a picture. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: You have your cats on Nanny-Cam? Angela: Yeah. [cats meowing] I mean, I usually try to take leave when I get a new cat, but I'm out of vacation days. And this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity. I mean, when somebody has a kid, oh sure, take off a year. Meredith: She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation. Angela: Right. Anyways... I just want to make sure Princess Lady is acclimating well. She means more to me than anyone. Kevin: Any cat, you mean. Angela: And person. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So, detour. We're now adding Nashua to the Lecture Circuit so Michael can confront Holly and get some closure. Nashua actually sounded very excited on the phone. I don't think they get a lot of visitors. Because their office is only accessible by cross-country skis. Hey-oh! [laughs] [whispers] I've been driving too long. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [shouts from another room] What did you do? Kelly: Stop yelling at me! Dwight: What did you do? Kelly: I didn't do anything! Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm? Jim: Hey! What the hell's goin' on? Dwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15. Kelly: I was kickin' it. Dwight: In juvie. Jim: What? Dwight: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers! Jim: Yep. Dwight: For reha- Jim: Got it. Dwight: What did you do? Huh? Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy. Dwight: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law. [to Kelly] What did you do? Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday! Dwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday! Jim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake. Kelly: You did? I wanna see the cake. Jim: And... ta da. Kelly: I hate it. Jim: How do you hate it? It's a cake. Kelly: Well, there's no flowers... or toys... or--- I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this? I mean, it doesn't have my name on it! Do you guys know what my name is? My name is Kelly! Jim: Right. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I forgot if there was an "e" between the "l" and the "y." I still don't know. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: I mean, I don't even know what the theme is. What's the theme?! Jim: Birthday. Dwight: Frosting. Kelly: Those aren't... themes. There's always a theme. [walks out] Phyllis: There's always a theme. Dwight: Nice job on the cake, Bozo! Jim: Okay, you know what, next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [taking Michael's picture] Okay, a little bit more closer to the sign. Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Do I look okay? Pam: You look good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hi. Receptionist: Hi, can I help you? Michael: Yes, you can. I am, uh, Michael Scott, Regional Manager of the Scranton branch. Receptionist: Yes, we were expecting you. Have a seat. Michael: Thank you. ... Um... is, uh, Holly Flax anywhere here? Receptionist: Actually, she's on an HR retreat for the next three days. Michael: Oh- She's not here? Receptionist: But, if you need to get in touch with her immediately, you could talk to A.J. He's a salesman here. Michael: A.J. Receptionist: Yeah, he's her boyfriend. He's just over there. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: She has a boyfriend. Pam: I'm so sorry, Michael. Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam? Pam: She's not doing it to hurt you. Michael: I can't do the presentation, I can't- [voice cracks] ... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God! [starts crying, covers his face] Pam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but- Michael: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay? [exhales] Pam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing. Michael: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die. Pam: Yeah, maybe. Michael: [laughs] Pam: Maybe. One step at a time. Michael: [sighs] Pam: You can do this. Michael: I can do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: It could be snacks, or- Kevin: Why would we- [cats meowing from Angela's computer, sounds like crying] Oscar: Wha- Kevin: Is that what I think it is? [Kevin and Oscar get up and go to Angela's computer] Oscar: Good God! Kevin: [gasps] Oscar: [laughs] Angela: [gasps] Kevin: That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady! Angela: No! Meredith: Awesome! Angela: Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad cat! That is very bad! You stop it right now! I swear, he is fixed. Meredith: Yeah, I know fixed; that ain't fixed. Kevin: No way. Angela: No, now listen. You can't let what you see here, sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats. [all laugh] I gotta go. I'll be back in an hour. Oh, stop that! Oh! Kevin: Oh, the other one's watching. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, so all we need is a theme... and cups, and ice, and punch, and a cake. Dwight: Busy! Jim: Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about? Dwight: Oh, my God. Is this how you are with Pam? 'Cause she must want to shoot herself in the face. Jim: You know what? I could use a little help. Dwight: You know what? I'm a little busy. Jim: We have a lot to do, and you are... putting up a very effeminate sign. Is that what you've been doing, is making a sign? Dwight: It's not effeminate. It's festive. Jim: You've been making that sign, for something that we could just announce to the whole office? Hey everybody, the party's now at 3! Stanley: I know, I just read it on the sign. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Goooood morning, Viet-Nashua! Sales. Sales is what bwings us together, today. How do we deal with clients who say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... about paper" and get them to "Show us the money!" Well, we are going to find out today. Show of hands. How many of you are salesmen? Let's see the salesmen. [some raise their hands] Oh, okay. Well I know what the rest of you are thinking. Wow, yuck. Salesmen are the worst! They are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny, Mr. Wonderful. So, okay, you're a salesman. What's, uh, what's your name? A.J.: A.J. Michael: A.J. What kind of name is A.J.? A.J.: [laughs] Michael: What do you race cars? A.J.: [laughs] I'm a salesman. That's why I raised my hand. Michael: Ooh. Ouch. Okay, good. You're funny, very good and funny. Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date? A.J.: Yeah. Why, are you interested? [all laugh] Woman: I have a question about discounts from distributors. Michael: Yep, we will get to you. Okay, so you're dating somebody? Um... is it serious? A.J.: It's pretty serious, yes. Michael: Huh- [pauses] Does she ever talk about me? [voice cracking] Pam: Oh, God. A.J.: Excuse me? Man: What does this have to do with sales? Michael: It's all connected. Shut up. [to A.J.] Does she ever mention 'Michael Scott?' A.J.: No, what are you talking about? Michael: [sighs loudly] Does it feel good? A.J.: Does what feel good? Michael: [grunts] Your life. [sits down, upset] Oh, wow. Whew. Ahh, legs are sorta giving out. Long drive in the car, so let's just- We'll just continue. [sighs, falls to floor, gets more upset] Oh, wow. [takes deep breath] Ooh, okay. Pam: Michael, get off the floor! Michael: Yeah, yeah... uh, I can't do this Pam. Just read from- just read the cards. Pam: [whispering] No, no, no, you have to do it- Michael: No, no, I'm okay. I'm all right. [sighs heavily] Okay... okay. Pam: That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation. It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs. [pauses] I'm just trying to bridge the gap between what just happened and the fact that I'm going to be doing the rest of the presentation. [reading from the cards, in Forrest Gump voice] Sales is like a box a chocolates, you never know which vendor you're gonna get. Forrest Gump. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [pointing to staff members] Blazer. Freckles. Penguin. K.D. Lang. Holly's boyfriend. These mnemonic devices help to make a connection, and then, also to help you memorize names. I have a chainsaw! [holds up chainsaw, makes a wimpy chain saw noise] Cutting down the competition. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [cats meowing in background][on Nanny-Cam] Where is that bad cat? Oh, you know who you are. Excuse me, Petals, I'm looking for Mr. Ash. He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat. Do you hear me? Bad. Yeah, you were bad. No, you look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? You look at me. 'Cause I'm talking to you right now. Oscar: [chuckles] Kevin: [snickers] Angela: [meows like a cat, then hisses] Kevin: This is getting weird. Oscar: Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue? [Angela licks cat, meows] Kevin: Ohhh... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [sighs, touches Holly's sweater, cuts off sleeve, chuckles, sees Word document on Holly's computer named "Dear Michael," plugs in USB flash drive to copy file from computer] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [shivers] [meowing noises] Has this been on the entire time? Oscar: I have no idea. Kevin: I was looking at pictures of food on my computer. Angela: [sigh of relief] Well, sorry I'm late. [clears throat, coughs, pulls hairball out of her mouth] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I want to get that image out of my head. The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat, are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [loading up car with Michael] Don't look up. Don't look up. [sighs as office workers all looking from window] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Want some pie? Pam: No. Michael: I went through Holly's things. Pam: What? Michael: I stole a sleeve of her sweater. Pam: Oh, Michael... Michael: I also stole something off of her computer. A document called "Dear Michael." Pam: You did what? Michael: I shouldn't have done it. It just- I couldn't help it. Pam: She never sent it to you? Michael: No, sh- she didn't. I'm gonna read it. Pam: No. Michael: Yes. Pam: No, under no circumstances can you read that letter. It's a violation of her trust. Michael: How? Pam: Because, she didn't send it to you! Michael: I know, I know. You're right, you're right. Pam: I could read it. Michael: No, that wouldn't- Pam: Yeah, I could read it. Michael: No, you don't have to do that. Pam: Go get your laptop. Michael: Okay. [leaves to get laptop] Pam: [to camera] What? I'm not in love with her. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [blowing up balloon, breathes loudly] You have to write my suggestions down, too. Jim: I'm not writing, "Horse Hunt." I don't even know what that means. Dwight: It's in the name. Jim: [grunts] Okay, so far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades, and yes, horse hunting. Dwight: You're right, forget horse hunting. It's stupid. Jim: Look, is there a birthday you remember that you loved? Dwight: Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light. An intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward. Mother bites the cord. [pretends to bite] Jim: Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting, and it doesn't count. So give me another one. Dwight: Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality, and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year. [rolls eyes] What about you? Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my Dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome. Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed. Jim: [to camera] Didn't see that one coming. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [closes laptop] It's deleted. Michael: Well? Pam: She still has feelings for you. Michael: She said that? Is that what it said? What did it say? Pam: I can't tell you specifically, but... it's not over. Michael: You're sure? Pam: [nods and smiles] Michael: [smiles, sighs, chuckles] Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [enters conference room] All: Happy Birthday! Meredith: Surprise! Dwight: Hey, it's not a surprise. Jim: Not a surprise. Kelly: This doesn't look good. Jim: What?! You have a cake. You have a delicious cake, with your name spelled correctly? Kelly: [shakes her head no] Dwight: Told you. Jim: You haven't heard our theme, though. Kelly: You don't hear a theme, you see it... why is there a chicklet on my cake? Jim: That's the best part. That represents a pillow, or a television. Dwight: Our theme, if you will. Jim: Because the fun part is, you get to decide on an hour of television, or an hour of napping. Dwight: That's our theme. Kelly: Cool. Jim: Yeah? Kelly: I love it. Dwight: [high-fives Jim] Oh, yes! Okay, good. So what's it gonna be, Kapoor? Kevin: Ooh- can she pick a half hour of each? Dwight: No. Jim: No. Kevin: Oh, then pick TV. Meredith: Take a nap! Oscar: TV. Kevin: No, watching TV at work is really cool. Stanley: Take a nap, nothing good is on TV right now. Creed: Bonnie Hunt is on. Kelly: You know what, I have been watching TV all week. I choose nap. Jim: All right. Dwight: Okay, nap it is! Everyone out! Get out! We're gonna be eating cake at our desks. Let's go. Meredith: Surprise. Dwight: Move it! Let's go, go, go, go, go. I got this. Jim: Ahem. This is for you... and [puts blanket around her shoulders] ...Happy Birthday, Kel. Kelly: [giggles] Thank you. Dwight: [turns off lights] Okay, you've got one hour. [shuts door] Kelly: I'm too excited to sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Mm, great cake. Jim: Thanks. [both eat cake] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [opens door to wake Kelly, bangs together two trash can covers loudly] Birthday time is over! Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. [slaps Kelly's butt] Many happy returns. [slams door] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I feel great. So good to have closure. Ah! We should go apologize to Roy or something. Pam: No, we don't need to do that. Michael: Who have I wronged? Who have I wronged? Oh, oh! What about that fat guy from Stamford that I insulted? We should find him! Pam: You mean Tony? Michael: Jabba the hut, Pizza the hut, Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, pepperoni Tony! Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Man, was he fat. So, so... fat. You know what, forget it. I know me. When I saw him, I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big fat fatty.

In part two, Michael and Pam arrive in Nashua, where Holly is off for a few days. Michael feels devastated when he learns that she has a new boyfriend and Pam is forced to finish the lecture. Michael finds a computer file addressed to him on Holly's computer; Pam reads it and tells him that Holly still cares for him. Dwight and Jim continue to struggle to throw Kelly a party, but ultimately make her happy by introducing a new theme of either getting to watch TV or take a nap for one hour. Angela's new nanny cam causes a stir when the staff see her bizarre interaction with her pets.

fd_Gilmore_Girls_03x07

fd_Gilmore_Girls_03x07_0

3.07 - They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They? OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Signs and banners are displayed in the town square promoting the upcoming 24-hour dance marathon. Lorelai is in Luke's Diner, staring out the window at the people walking by] LUKE: What about that one? LORELAI: Hm, no. LUKE: Why not? LORELAI: Too pale. LUKE: So what? LORELAI: Pale means sickly. LUKE: Or sunscreen. LORELAI: Or Mad Cow Disease. LUKE: Pale does not mean Mad Cow Disease. LORELAI: Have you ever had Mad Cow Disease? LUKE: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful. LORELAI: I need a great dance partner this year. Someone strong, non-clutzy, with lots of stamina. Ooh, how tall is that guy? LUKE: Mrs. Coulter's about 6'2". LORELAI: Oh. Four years in a row, I have come this close to winning. Last year, I swear to God, I had it! LUKE: I know the story. LORELAI: It was hour twenty-three. LUKE: I know the story. LORELAI: I'm dancing with Henry Ho-Ho McAphie the third. LUKE: How many people heard me say I know the story? [several customers raise their hands] LORELAI: And Ho-Ho's fading, so I'm trying to buck him up, saying "Come on, Ho-Ho. Stay with me Ho-Ho," and then all of a sudden he starts yelling, "Stop calling me Ho-Ho, it's making me hungry!" LUKE: Oh, hey, look, there goes Tommy Tune. LORELAI: And out of nowhere, Kirk comes dancing by, waving a McDonald's hot apple pie in the air and of course Ho-Ho lunges for the pie and drops my hand and that was it. Kirk wins, I'm out. I'm gonna get that Ho-Ho someday. LUKE: I'll help ya. LORELAI: I wanna win. LUKE: I know you do. LORELAI: I need a partner. LUKE: You'll get one. Keep looking. LORELAI: Mm. [she stares up at him] LUKE: Out there. [turns her head toward the window] LORELAI: But, but, wait – LUKE: Pancakes, right? Coming right up. [walks to another table as Taylor walks in] TAYLOR: Breathe in deep, folks. Smells like fall. LUKE: Get out, Taylor. TAYLOR: Why? LUKE: Just a code I live by. TAYLOR: Oh. . .pffft. . .you. Listen, I'd like to run a little something by you. LUKE: I'm busy, Taylor. TAYLOR: I was just thinking how nice it would be if you could set up a little coffee stand at the marathon. LUKE: Coffee stand. TAYLOR: Yes. I mean, these people have to try and stay up for twenty-four hours. What better to help you stay up than a cup of nice strong cup of coffee, huh? What do you say? LUKE: Sure. TAYLOR: Really? LUKE: For a buck a cup. TAYLOR: Luke, this marathon is a charitable event. LUKE: Taylor, we have been raising money to restore that stupid bridge for eight years. TAYLOR: We're not raising money to restore the bridge. LUKE: We're not? TAYLOR: No, we have that money. The Tennessee Williams lookalike contest last month put us right over the top. LUKE: Then what the hell is this dumb thing for? TAYLOR: A tarp. LUKE: A what? TAYLOR: To cover the bridge. LUKE: This is a first, Taylor. I actually need to sit down. TAYLOR: Well, Luke, you know as well as I do that if we start renovations now, heading right into the snow and rainy part of the season, then everything we do is gonna get ruined, and there we are – back at square one. If we are gonna do this right, then we are going to need a tarp. LUKE: Taylor, you are asking me to donate free coffee to hundreds of people so you can raise money to buy a tarp. TAYLOR: How ‘bout fifty cents a cup? LUKE: How ‘bout I charge for cream? TAYLOR: You would kick Tiny Tim's crutch out from under him, wouldn't you? LUKE: If he asks for a free cup of coffee, gimpy's going down. [Taylor storms out of the diner as Luke walks over to Lorelai's table] LORELAI: Oh, whoa – look at Taylor go. I wonder who he's dancing with. [opening credits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner] LORELAI: This is amazing chicken, Mom. I mean it, really great. EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai. LORELAI: It's like super chicken. I bet it could fly. Have you tried tossing it out the window? EMILY: All right, what's going on? LORELAI: What? I like the chicken. EMILY: Nobody likes the chicken that much, Lorelai. LORELAI: I'm in a good mood. EMILY: Why? LORELAI: My God, it's my ninth grade homecoming dance all over again. RORY: Homecoming dance? LORELAI: In ninth grade, I got asked to the homecoming dance and I didn't think I would, and I was in a really good mood, and Mom got so annoyed that she made me go to my room. RORY: Grandma? EMILY: She was sitting at the table giving all the peas voices. LORELAI: With a little encouragement, I could've been the Senor Wences of the vegetable set. EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Okay, okay, okay. It'll come out soon enough. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I found a dance partner. RORY: You did? LORELAI: A good one. EMILY: What are you talking about, a dance partner? A dance partner for what? LORELAI: Our town is having a dance marathon this weekend. RORY: It lasts twenty-four hours and the last couple left standing gets a trophy. LORELAI: A big trophy. EMILY: Well, that sounds very nice. RORY: All the proceeds go to charity. LORELAI: Which is great – but did I mention the trophy? RORY: I believe you did. LORELAI: ‘Cause it's big. EMILY: Charitable events are wonderful things to take part in. There's nothing more rewarding than devoting yourself to making someone else's life better. LORELAI: And whose life isn't better with a truly gigantic trophy around? RORY: So who'd you get to dance with you? LORELAI: Stanley Appleman. RORY: Who's Stanley Appleman? LORELAI: Oh, he's brand new in town. He works over at the hardware store, and the best part is, he used to be part of the touring company. . .of Riverdance. RORY: Score! LORELAI: I know! I'm completely jazzed. How ‘bout you, Mr. Potato? I'm completely jazzed, too. [a phone rings] EMILY: What's that? LORELAI: I think that's me. EMILY: Lorelai, I've told you a hundred times to turn that thing off when you come to dinner here. LORELAI: I know, Mom. I'm sorry. EMILY: Can't you let it go to voice mail? LORELAI: Well, see, I left Michel alone at the inn, and he's dealing with the roofers. I told him to call me if there was any trouble. [goes to answer the phone] EMILY: Is that true? RORY: I'm gonna let Mr. Potato field this one. EMILY: I thought so. [Lorelai answers the phone in the next room] LORELAI: Hello? . . . What? . . . Oh, no no, no no, don't tell me that. . .Well, did you tell her how big the trophy is, because I am really not exaggerating here. . . How did your wife get a picture of me? Stanley, that is crazy! I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Did you tell her I don't wanna sleep with you? . . . Well, put her on the phone. I'll tell her I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Well, somebody has to tell her I don't wanna sleep with you. . . Why are you insulted all of a sudden? . . . Stanley? . . . [Lorelai hangs up and walks back to the dining room] LORELAI: Great. RORY: What happened? LORELAI: Stanley bailed. RORY: No! Why? LORELAI: Apparently, Miss Patty showed his wife a picture of me, and she thinks I look like Elizabeth Taylor, which makes her Debbie Reynolds, and Stanley Eddie Fisher. RORY: That's crazy. LORELAI: Especially if you've seen Stanley. He's no Eddie Fisher, trust me. Fisher Stevens, maybe. RORY: Can't you talk to her? LORELAI: Apparently, only at my own risk. EMILY: Well, at least she thought you looked like Elizabeth Taylor. That was nice. LORELAI: I have no partner. RORY: You'll find another one. EMILY: Elizabeth Taylor always did. RORY: There's someone else out there, trust me. LORELAI: I guess. EMILY: Here. Have some more chicken. LORELAI: Thanks, Mom. EMILY: And if you'd like, later on, you can make my asparagus talk. LORELAI: Well, maybe next week. CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY [Rory and Paris are standing at Paris' locker. Louise and Madeline are behind them, each kissing a guy] PARIS: Okay, so, let's talk about Saturday. RORY: What about Saturday? PARIS: I think we need to work. The seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin comes out next month and I want it to be amazing. RORY: I've got some great cover art lined up. PARIS: Old pictures, new pictures? RORY: Collage style with kind of a sepia-toned finish to it. Very classy. PARIS: Okay, I like it. Time! [Louise and Madeline stop kissing the guys and say goodbye to them] LOUISE: See ya. MADELINE: Bye. [the four girls start walking down the hall] MADELINE: So, what were we talking about? PARIS: Working Saturday on the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. LOUISE: Thanks for asking. MADELINE: But you guys already have some decent stuff planned out, right? PARIS: Madeline -- or may I call you Spicoli? MADELINE: If you have to. PARIS: This is the seventy-fifth anniversary issue. There is only going to be one seventy-fifth anniversary issue ever, and it's on our watch. We screw this up and we basically mooned a piece of history. Is that what you want? To B.A. history? MADELINE: But I don't understand. Last year was the seventy-fourth anniversary issue of the Franklin. PARIS: So? MADELINE: So there's only gonna be one seventy-fourth anniversary issue ever and we didn't do anything special for it. LOUISE: I think the cover was of a deep-fried Mars bar. PARIS: That's because nobody cares about the seventy-fourth anniversary issue. MADELINE: I bet the person who worked on it seventy-four years ago did. PARIS: We're working Saturday! [Paris and Rory walk outside] PARIS: "Why are we working Saturday, Paris? What's so special about the seventy-fifth issue, Paris? Why does my head feel so light and yet not float away, Paris?" [Paris sees Jamie across the courtyard] RORY: What? PARIS: What's he doing here? RORY: I bet he's here to see you. PARIS: He hasn't called me once. I haven't seen or heard from him since we had our date in Washington three months ago. RORY: Maybe he wants to explain why. PARIS: He was supposed to go away and never come back. I already wrote his name in my revenge notebook. RORY: Paris, he knows you're standing here talking about him. PARIS: What does he want? RORY: Go over there and find out. [Paris walks over to Jamie] PARIS: What do you want? JAMIE: I'm on break from school, I thought I'd come down and see you. PARIS: But you never called. JAMIE: I know. PARIS: You lost my number? JAMIE: Nope, I memorized your number. PARIS: You didn't wanna use my number? JAMIE: I was starting classes. PARIS: In phone dialing? How's it going? JAMIE: Look, Paris, this year's very important for me. I thought the last thing I needed was a distraction. PARIS: Well, I totally understand. This year's very important for me, too. I'm focusing on getting into Harvard, and the last thing that I need is a distraction. . . so, good move. You saved us both a lot of distractions. Thank you, and good luck. [they shake hands, but Jamie doesn't let go] I need my hand. JAMIE: If I let go, how fast will you run away? PARIS: 3.2 seconds. JAMIE: I thought so. Hey Rory. RORY: Hey Jamie. How's Princeton? JAMIE: It's good. Crazy, but – PARIS: Let go. JAMIE: No. PARIS: Yes. JAMIE: Paris. PARIS: Look, you don't have to be nice, you don't have to tie up loose ends. I get it, I'm a distraction. Now either pull a Boxing Helena, or give me back my hand. JAMIE: Yes, talking to you would've been a distraction. PARIS: I know. I heard you already. My God, find a pirate to sit on, okay? JAMIE: However, not talking to you has turned out to be impossible. PARIS: What? JAMIE: I flunked a pop quiz in poli-sci because I couldn't stop thinking about you. Still want your hand back? PARIS: I've got another. JAMIE: I've thought a lot about this, and apparently you're a distraction that I'm supposed to have. PARIS: You didn't have a bad time on the date? JAMIE: Are you busy right now? PARIS: Well – RORY: No, we're done. She's free. JAMIE: Good. Let's go get some coffee. Bye Rory. RORY: Bye Jamie. [Jamie takes Paris' books from her and walks away] PARIS: He took my books. RORY: Well, go get them back. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory, Dean, and Lane are in the living room. Lane is on the phone] RORY: Well? LANE: Still ringing. [a moment later, she hangs up] He's home. RORY: How'd he sound? LANE: Homey. RORY: Nice. DEAN: I know this is a stupid question, but why can't you just talk to him? LANE: Because yesterday he called to say that they were still looking for a rehearsal space and, uh, that he'd call when he had more news. So now I have to wait until he calls about the band – and in between, I call and hang up on him. Pathetic. RORY: Not so pathetic. I used to hang up on Dean all the time. DEAN: You did? LANE: I remember that. DEAN: When did you hang up on me? RORY: Right when we first met. DEAN: You should've just said something. RORY: I couldn't do that. DEAN: Why not? RORY: Because then you would've known that I was calling and therefore that I liked you. DEAN: Yes, but I liked you, too. RORY: Well, I know that now. DEAN: You could've known that then. RORY: Dean, please. This is a girl thing. DEAN: Uh, okay. Tell me when I'm supposed to pay attention again. LANE: I'm gonna love him forever and he's never gonna know it. DEAN: He would if you coughed. RORY: Dean. DEAN: Sorry. LANE: At least he's at home and not out with a girl. RORY: Very true. DEAN: He could be home with a girl. RORY: Dean. DEAN: Sitting here, staring at my pizza. LANE: You think he was at home with a girl? RORY: No, no, I don't. LANE: I'm gonna call again. RORY: Good idea, and pay attention to the background noise this time. [Lorelai walks through the front door] LORELAI: Ooh, cool, pizza. RORY: Shh. She's calling Dave to see if she can hear a girl in the background. LORELAI: Oh. DEAN: I voted that she actually say something. LORELAI: You're a boy, you know nothing about this. RORY: Well, what'd you hear? LANE: Quadrophenia. RORY: Classy, but not date-like. LANE: You think? RORY: Definitely. DEAN: What if he met a girl who's a major Who fan? LANE: What? RORY: Why are you causing trouble? LORELAI: Rory, can I talk to you in the kitchen? RORY: Oh, sure. [to Dean] Be good. [Rory and Lorelai leave the room; Lane sits next to Dean on the couch] DEAN: Go ahead. [Lane starts dialing the number again] [cut to Lorelai and Rory in the kitchen] RORY: Okay, so, what's on your mind? LORELAI: I think I figured out who can be my dance partner for the marathon. RORY: Great! Who? [Lorelai stares at Rory] RORY: Bye. LORELAI: Come on! RORY: Forget it. LORELAI: Just hear me out. First of all, you love me. RORY: Not right at this moment, I don't. LORELAI: You know how much this contest means to me. You'd never fall asleep or chase a pie. RORY: I do not dance. LORELAI: It'll be fun. We'll get all dressed up, and you're light – easy to hold up when you get tired. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Plus, we got the whole mother/daughter gimmick going for us. The crowd'll eat that up. RORY: I cannot dance with you. LORELAI: Why not? RORY: Because this is Dean's first marathon. We were gonna go and watch and hang out, he's totally looking forward to it. I told him about how Andrew gets in a fight with his date in the first fifteen minutes and storms off the floor. I told him about Taylor getting punch-drunk at hour fifteen and telling stories about how he always wanted to be a magician. LORELAI: Rory, please. RORY: And ooh, I told him about how when Kirk wins, he likes to take his victory lap around the floor to the theme from Rocky. I was gonna show him all those things, and I was gonna show them to him sitting down. LORELAI: He can still come, and he can still see all those things, except if you dance, maybe that victory lap will be you and me instead of Kirk. RORY: Okay, I'll tell you what. I was supposed to work on the Franklin this weekend with Paris. LORELAI: But? RORY: I will ask her if we can reschedule. If she says yes, then I will dance with you. LORELAI: Oh, I love ya! RORY: You should sell cars. LORELAI: I should, shouldn't I? Hello, big fancy trophy. CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM [A teacher is addressing the class as Paris walks in late] TEACHER: Take note of its form before treated. Make sure that your notes are completely legible since you will be turning them in with your result. Miss Gellar, hello. PARIS: Sorry I'm late, Mrs. Savitt. TEACHER: Is everything okay? PARIS: Yes. I overslept. TEACHER: You're kidding. PARIS: No, it won't happen again. TEACHER: Well, good. Okay, everyone, let's get to work. [Rory walks up to Paris] RORY: Paris, hi. Listen, I need to ask you something. PARIS: Shoot. RORY: Well, there's this big event that's happening in my town. . . PARIS: Pig race? RORY: Dance marathon. PARIS: I was close. RORY: It's on Saturday, and it's a twenty-four hour thing and my mother really wants to win, and her partner bailed on her and, long story short, I was wondering if there was anyway we could move this Saturday's Franklin thing to next Saturday. PARIS: Okay. MADELINE: What did she say? LOUISE: I don't know. What did you say? PARIS: I said yes. LOUISE: She said yes. MADELINE: She said yes. LOUISE: [walks up to a guy] Are you free on Saturday? GUY: Uh, no. LOUISE: [to another guy] What about you? Come on – speak. MADELINE: [from across the room] Louise, I got two over here! PARIS: So, we're done, right? RORY: You had a good time yesterday. PARIS: What was yesterday? RORY: Yesterday was the day that you were all freaked out about the seventy-fifth anniversary issue of the Franklin and today's the day you're not. PARIS: Rory, just because I agreed to postpone a newspaper session does in no way imply – RORY: You can't even stop smiling. PARIS: I can, too. RORY: Tell me. PARIS: Okay. Well, we went for coffee, and he talked about how he had a great time on our date, and how he finds me fascinating, and how he thought about me all the time. Okay, there, happy? RORY: Wow, he likes you. PARIS: I left an impression. RORY: You sure did. PARIS: I still don't understand why he'd wanna date me. He's surrounded by college girls all day long who must be prettier than I am, and more experienced than I am. I mean, I'm sure they're all idiots, but usually that's the last thing a guy thinks about when he's looking for a date for the big game. RORY: Well, Jamie must be special. PARIS: Or Ted Bundy. RORY: Absolutely. It's either one or the other. PARIS: Hey. Can you do me a favor? RORY: Okay. PARIS: Don't say anything to Madeline or Louise about this. RORY: About Jamie? PARIS: Yeah. RORY: But they're your best friends. PARIS: Theoretically, yes, but the second I mention a guy they're gonna both start singing the theme from the Trojan Man commercial, and I just can't take that, okay? RORY: No one knows until you give the word. PARIS: Thanks. CUT TO OUTSIDE STARS HOLLOW [The morning of the dance marathon, Lorelai and Rory are walking down the sidewalk toward the high school] LORELAI: I have to say, for a couple of modern girls, we have time-warped with the best of them. RORY: Mm. LORELAI: How ya doing there, champ? RORY: Early. LORELAI: Yes, it's a tad early. RORY: No sun. LORELAI: Well, he's not up yet. RORY: I can't even open my eyes. LORELAI: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps. RORY: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again. [Babette is sitting at the sign-up table in front of Stars Hollow High] LORELAI: Morning Babette. BABETTE: Oh, morning sugar. You guys look terrific. LORELAI: Thank you. RORY: Babette, can I lay down on the table while Mom signs in? BABETTE: Not an early bird, huh? LORELAI: I need to get some coffee in her and we'll be fine. Kirk, however, is gonna be crying like a little teeny girl. BABETTE: So what else is new? Okay, now you two go get your physicals, bring your release forms inside, and they'll get you a number. LORELAI: Thanks. Come on, Snoozy. [they start walking down the sidewalk toward Miss Patty's, and Sookie runs up behind them] SOOKIE: Hey, wait up! LORELAI: Oh, wow, look at you! SOOKIE: Is it fabulous? LORELAI: It is fabulous. SOOKIE: Wait ‘til you see Jackson's suit. It makes me want to ration sugar. LORELAI: Where is Jackson? SOOKIE: Oh, we already had our checkups, so he's going to sign us in and scope out a good spot on the floor. LORELAI: Oh, it's so cool to be married. You have your own spot-scoper. RORY: I'm gonna go say hi to Lane. LORELAI: Okay, hon, hurry back. Remember, the sooner we get inspected, the sooner we get coffee. RORY: Yeah, coffee. [walks into Miss Patty's] SOOKIE: Okay, I have a problem. LORELAI: Sookie, it's five-thirty in the morning. How can you already have a problem? SOOKIE: Because I'm a multi-tasker. LORELAI: Hit me. SOOKIE: Last night, I made coq au vin for dinner, so of course the subject of children came up. LORELAI: Of course. SOOKIE: All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, Jackson announces he wants four in four. LORELAI: He wants what? SOOKIE: Four in four. Four kids in four years. LORELAI: Good Lord! SOOKIE: I know! LORELAI: Well, who's he gonna have these kids with? SOOKIE: Me, apparently. LORELAI: What did you say? SOOKIE: See, here's where, uh, the problem comes in. LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: I think I said yes. LORELAI: How is that possible? SOOKIE: Well, I was totally shocked when he announced it and I sort of said, "O. . kay" and . . but I think he took it as, "Okay!" So, apparently, now I have to get busy. LORELAI: Do you want four in four? SOOKIE: No. But, I mean, I want kids. You know I want kids. LORELAI: I know you want kids. SOOKIE: But I thought maybe one. Two if the first one is really quiet. LORELAI: Well, honey, you have to tell Jackson that. SOOKIE: I can't. LORELAI: Sookie, this is not like the fruit bowl his mother gave you. You can't stick four kids in the attic and just pull them out at Christmas. SOOKIE: I know, but Jackson and I have never had a real fight. We're still newlyweds. We still sneak out of bed in the morning to brush our teeth, then get back in bed and pretend we just woke up smelling like that. LORELAI: You don't have much of a marriage if you can't talk about the important things. SOOKIE: I know. Do you think I'm crazy to not want four in four? LORELAI: Four kids is a lot, and four years without a cocktail . . . SOOKIE: Wow, hadn't thought of that. LORELAI: Glad to shed some much-needed perspective on the situation. SOOKIE: We'll take care of this today. CUT TO INSIDE MISS PATTY'S [Rory is standing next to Lane, who is stirring a big bucket of something] RORY: Are you sure you don't need some help? LANE: Yeah, it's okay. I finally got a really good footing. RORY: What is that stuff? LANE: Eggless egg salad. Though this year my mom added food coloring to make the egg-like product look more eggy. RORY: Smart. LANE: And every sandwich comes with your own personal pamphlet "Dancing for the Devil," an illustrated look at the effect of dancing on your chances of spending all eternity in hell. RORY: Boy, her flames are getting really good. LANE: Well, she just bought a new color printer. You can do a ton of stuff with it. RORY: Cool. [Mrs. Kim walks over carrying several bags] MRS. KIM: Lane, get scooping! The minute air hits the bread, it starts to stale. LANE: Okay, Mama. RORY: I'm gonna stop by later and say hi. LANE: Please do. RORY: Bye, Mrs. Kim. MRS. KIM: You have a pamphlet? RORY: Yes, I do. MRS. KIM: Take one to your mother. [Across the studio, Lorelai is next in line for physicals as Rory walks over] NURSE: Next. LORELAI: Oh, good, just in time. RORY: Sorry. LORELAI: Hi there. Um, this is Rory Gilmore and I'm Lorelai Gilmore. NURSE: Lorelai Gilmore? LORELAI: Yeah, L – o – r . . . NURSE: You don't look like you've recently suffered a face-altering car crash. LORELAI: Uh, excuse me? NURSE: You're also supposed to have buck teeth, a club foot, and alopecia. LORELAI: Oh. I'm sorry, who told you this? NURSE: My husband. LORELAI: Your husband? Well, who's . . .Stanley Appleman. Your husband is Stanley Appleman. NURSE: Mmhmm. LORELAI: Okay, well, it's very nice to meet you. Stanley's said the nicest things about you. In the one tiny short conversation we had, you know, standing way far apart. You know, too far to touch, but close enough to hear all the wonderful things he said about his adorable, sweet-tempered, lovable. . . can we have someone else do our physical? CUT TO INSIDE THE STARS HOLLOW HIGH GYMNASIUM [Dancers start to gather on the dance floor as Taylor makes some announcements over a microphone] TAYLOR: Any couple without a number will be disqualified. All couples must be touching at all times. All couples must remain moving at all times. The only time you may stop moving or stop touching is when you hear this horn. [blows air horn] That sound means you have ten minutes. Ten minutes to get a drink, to eat a snack, take a rest, or whatever it is you can do in ten minutes. And in addition to the ten-minute rest periods, every person participating has been issued a yellow emergency card. In case of emergency, a contestant may hold up the card and leave the floor for ten minutes. If your partner remains on the floor and moving the entire time, then the owner of the yellow card may rejoin them and the contest. First aid is available in Miss Patty's. Please, remember, that if you feel yourself getting lightheaded or having shooting pains or any other stroke-like symptoms, please move off to the side so that your collapse will not get in the way of the other dancers. All right, people, lace your shoes, pin those curls, because we only have three minutes left until we start. LORELAI: Well, I believe three minutes is plenty of time for some coffee. RORY: Yes, coffee, please. [they walk over to Luke's coffee table on the side of the dance floor] LORELAI: Hey, we're dying, load us up. LUKE: It isn't ready yet. LORELAI: What? RORY: Mommy. LORELAI: What do you mean it's not ready? It's six in the morning. Nothing says coffee like six in the morning. [Luke picks up a thermos and hands it to them] LUKE: You did not get this from me. LORELAI: Then who do we send our kisses of gratitude to? LUKE: The eternal question asked yet again. RORY: Thanks Luke. Strong. LORELAI: Yeah? Hello. TAYLOR: All right, folks. Everybody on the floor. We're two minutes away. I repeat, everybody on the floor, we are two minutes away. [On the dance floor, Kirk and his partner walk up to Lorelai and Rory] KIRK: Lorelai. LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK: Good luck to you. LORELAI: And to you. [Kirk and his partner walk away] LORELAI: He's going down. RORY: I hate to bring this up. LORELAI: What? RORY: Kirk has very little in his life. LORELAI: Uh huh. RORY: He has no career, no girlfriend, no pet, no car. He lives with his mother, she won't even let him have his own key. The only thing he does have in his whole lonely pathetic existence is this marathon. If we win, if we take him down, if we take away that last little piece of dignity, then we leave him with nothing. LORELAI: I wonder if he'll cry. RORY: My mother, the Howard Roark of Stars Hollow. TAYLOR: All right, everybody, grab your partners, make sure your numbers are securely fastened, and let the countdown begin! EVERYONE: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! TAYLOR: It's showtime! [All the couples start dancing] [Babette taps Morey on the shoulder] BABETTE: I'm done, let's go. MOREY: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON [Six hours have passed. Kirk and his partner dance by Lorelai and Rory] LORELAI: Hey Kirk, relax. Dancing's supposed to be fun. KIRK: You know what will be fun, Lorelai? Jogging around your prostrate body with that shiny temple of silver importance hoisted in the air for all to see. That will be fun. [dances away] LORELAI: Do you think serious Kirk is more disturbing than non-serious Kirk? RORY: Actually, I think they're both about the same. LORELAI: Come on. RORY: What? LORELAI: Follow me. [they dance over to Dean] DEAN: Wow, you guys look great. RORY: Hey, you came. DEAN: Hey, you're standing. LORELAI: Hey, we had coffee. DEAN: I can tell. So, how's it going? RORY: Oh, it's been pretty quiet so far. However, I do believe – ANDREW: [in background] You went out with Liam Neeson! Are you kidding me? LORELAI: Right on time! ANDREW: Why would you ever tell me that you went out with Liam Neeson? Why would you do that? WOMAN: Because I was trying to be honest. ANDREW: I don't believe that A, you actually went out with Liam Neeson, and B, that you would choose to tell me now at this moment that you went out with Liam Neeson! WOMAN: Andrew! ANDREW: No! WOMAN: Andrew! ANDREW: I can't stand Liam Neeson! [storms off] RORY: See, fun! LORELAI: And no one's even thrown up yet. DEAN: Okay, well, uh, I'm just gonna go sit over there and watch for awhile. Maybe I'll get lucky. RORY: Great. LORELAI: Well, that's sweet. Spectator Ken. RORY: Just keep dancing, you. [Kirk dances by and flips his partner] LORELAI: Flip all you want, pal. This ain't the Olympics. It's who's left standing at the end that matters, not how fancy you are getting there. [Kirk and his partner dance away] LORELAI: Let me flip you. RORY: No way. LORELAI: Come on! RORY: You are not flipping me. LORELAI: Fine. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: You flip me. RORY: No need, you've already flipped. LORELAI: One cartwheel. RORY: Silence. [Jess and Shane walk across the dance floor to the bleachers] TAYLOR: Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Unauthorized persons on the dance floor. Security! Security! Security! LORELAI: Well, look who's suddenly interested in dance. RORY: Yeah, he's a regular Martha Graham. [Rory watches Jess and Shane kiss] CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON [Fourteen hours have passed. Everyone is tired and dancing very slowly. Rory is trying to sleep on Lorelai's shoulder. Lorelai sees Kirk dancing toward them.] LORELAI: [to Rory] Kirk. RORY: Mm? [they start dancing more lively until Kirk passes by] RORY: How much longer? LORELAI: Oh, chin up soldier. We should be getting a break pretty soon. RORY: I hope so. [Jackson and Sookie dance over to them] JACKSON: Oh good, there she is. SOOKIE: Jackson, please. LORELAI: Hey guys. JACKSON: Well, hey to you, too. Listen, I wanted to ask you, what do you think of my hair? LORELAI: What? JACKSON: My hair. How's it look to you? Any opinion? LORELAI: It looks fine. SOOKIE: Jackson, you're overacting. JACKSON: You think? How ‘bout you, Lorelai? You think I'm overreacting? LORELAI: Jackson, what? [a horn sounds] LORELAI: Oh my God. RORY: What, what? LORELAI: The runaround. RORY: The runaround? That does not sound good. LORELAI: I'm sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. TAYLOR: Ladies and Gentlemen, on your marks. . .get set. . .and go! [all the dancers start running in a circle around the gym] TAYLOR: Round and round they go, but when the song stops, nobody knows! But the last five couples that finish behind the red line are automatically out, so hold onto your partner and move, move, move! MISS PATTY: You're getting too much pleasure out of this, Taylor. [Jackson and Sookie are running behind Lorelai and Rory] JACKSON: Hey Lorelai, just wondering, how's my running? Got an opinion on that? LORELAI: Jackson, what's going on? SOOKIE: Nothing. He's mad at me and he's taking it out on you. JACKSON: Oh, I'm not mad. I just didn't realize that when I married Sookie, I also married you. I didn't realize I was a Mormon, my mistake. RORY: I need to interject for one second to tell you that I hate you! LORELAI: Thanks, honey. SOOKIE: Quit trying to drag Lorelai into this. JACKSON: Fine, I will. [walks off the dance floor] SOOKIE: Jackson, wait! Yellow cards, right here! I've got them for the both of us. We'll be right back! [follows after him] TAYLOR: One of you is supposed to stay here. Hey! RORY: I think I'm going to die. LORELAI: Me first. RORY: How much longer? LORELAI: I don't know. I just know that every year I block this part out. RORY: From now on I'm going to remind you of it. [Lorelai notices Kirk running right on their heels] LORELAI: Kirk, what are you doing? KIRK: I'm drafting you. LORELAI: Well, stop it! KIRK: You can't tell me where to run! LORELAI: Kirk, I swear to God, don't make me come back there! [a horn sounds] TAYLOR: Ten minute break everyone, ten minute break. Well run. Ten minute break, everyone. Ten minute break. [Several people, including Lorelai and Rory, collapse on the gym floor; Rory starts moving her leg around] LORELAI: What are you doing? RORY: I'm trying to kick you but I can't reach. LORELAI: I would help you but I can't move. RORY: Can I owe you one? LORELAI: Yeah, no problem. Okay, okay, heart returning to normal. I have to go find Jackson and Sookie. RORY: I'll get us a couple of sandwiches. LORELAI: Good idea. [they stand up] This is fun, huh? RORY: Uh huh, big fun. CUT TO MISS PATTY'S [Jess walks up to Lane's table] JESS: So, not dancing? LANE: Nope. JESS: Why not? Too cool? LANE: Go away, Jess. No one asked for a Tony Manero wannabe to drop by. JESS: Hey, I'm just here for the food. LANE: [hands him a sandwich] Here, enjoy, buh-bye. JESS: I noticed Rory's not dancing with Dean. LANE: Nothing gets past you, does it. JESS: How come? Trouble in paradise? LANE: Rory's dancing with her mother. Nothing's wrong with her and Dean, and you're blocking my sandwiches from the rest of the room. JESS: I know. They're erecting a statue to me in the park next week. MRS. KIM: Who are you? JESS: Jess. . . ma'am. MRS. KIM: [to Lane] Scoop more. [Mrs. Kim walks away. Rory and Dean walk up to the table] RORY: The sandwiches are for the dancers. JESS: I'm dancing on the inside. RORY: What are you doing here? JESS: I live here. RORY: You have nothing better to do than to sit around inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon? JESS: I don't know. [to Dean] Do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium all day staring at a dance marathon? DEAN: I wouldn't direct any sort of comment toward me if I were you. JESS: I'm just trying to support my town. RORY: Good, then go back to New York. JESS: Ooh. Zing. I've been snapped. RORY: You think you're bugging me sitting in front of me staring like that? JESS: You think you're bugging me dancing in front of me staring like that? RORY: I'm not staring at you. JESS: Then how do you know I'm staring at you? RORY: I am dancing. I cannot control where my glance goes. And the few moments that I can control it, my glance goes to Dean, not to you. JESS: So you can't control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him? Sorry, man. That's cold. DEAN: My former comment still stands. RORY: Go home. JESS: No, thanks. RORY: Then get out of my way. JESS: Didn't realize I was in your way. There you go. It's all yours. God help you. [Shane walks over to them] SHANE: Where did you go? I've been sitting out there for twenty minutes. JESS: The break's only for ten. SHANE: It's just a saying. JESS: I came to get food. SHANE: Good, I'm starved. RORY: The food is for the dancers. SHANE: Who are you, Bobby Brady? Get a life. JESS: Rory's feeling a little territorial today. SHANE: Whatever. God, what is this thing? DEAN: Rory, get your stuff and let's go. JESS: Ooh, that was good. Now say ‘then get in there and make me my supper.' RORY: I got them. DEAN: Come on. JESS: See you in there. [they leave] I'm gonna get a soda. CUT TO INSIDE THE GYMNASIUM [Lorelai walks up to Luke's coffee table] LORELAI: Have you seen Sookie and Jackson? LUKE: Nope. LORELAI: I've looked everywhere for them. LUKE: Have you tried the insane asylum where everybody in this room is supposed to be? [Jackson and Sookie walk up to them] JACKSON: Okay, I need to say something here. LORELAI: Oh, I've been looking all over for you. SOOKIE: I wish you would just drop this. JACKSON: Contrary to your belief, there are some things in life that you do not have the right to have an opinion on. LORELAI: What? JACKSON: And the rate at which I have kids and the amount of kids I wish to have falls directly under that category LORELAI: Sookie, what did you tell him? SOOKIE: Okay, you see, once again, my communication skills – not so good. LORELAI: Jackson, I didn't mean to get involved in any of this. JACKSON: No? Telling Sookie that she needs to immediately inform me that four in four is crazy? LORELAI: Aw, Sookie. SOOKIE: Yeah, it did come out something like that. LORELAI: Aw man. LUKE: What's four in four? LORELAI: Four kids in four years. LUKE: That is crazy. JACKSON: Oh good, yes, let's open this up to even more discussion. LUKE: One kid in four years is crazy. JACKSON: Hey. LUKE: Sorry, go ahead, drop another sucker in this mess. LORELAI: Okay, raise your hand if you're not helping. JACKSON: Does anyone here understand that a man has a right not to have his personal life debated in a public forum? I am not Winona Ryder. SOOKIE: Well, I know that. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Jackson, I didn't mean – JACKSON: My child-bearing arrangements are between me and Sookie. LUKE: And the Lord. Still not helping? SOOKIE: Jackson, just please calm down. JACKSON: I will calm down. I'll calm down at home. SOOKIE: But what about the contest? JACKSON: To hell with the contest! I'm quitting the contest. That is, if it's okay with Lorelai, or Luke, or that strange man in the corner who I've never met. Excuse me, strange man in the corner? Is it okay if I quit this contest? [storms off] SOOKIE: I'm so sorry. I got tongue-tied and things just started coming out and I couldn't stop them and. . . LORELAI: Go. SOOKIE: Jackson, honey, wait! [runs after him] LUKE: Oh, they're gonna make great parents. TAYLOR: All dancers back on the dance floor. All dancers back on the dance floor. [Rory walks up to Lorelai and hands her a sandwich] RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Let's go. CUT TO LATER IN THE MARATHON [Twenty-three hours have passed. Taylor is drunk at the podium, babbling to Miss Patty] TAYLOR: And then I'd say ‘what is this in your ear' and I'd pull out a bright shiny penny and then whole room would laugh and clap. MISS PATTY: Yeah, I'm sure they did, Taylor. TAYLOR: Yeah. Have you ever levitated a rottweiler? MISS PATTY: No. TAYLOR: Not easy. But in a cape with a wand and a shiny black top hat. . . [Taylor falls asleep. Patty tries to take his megaphone, but he wakes up] TAYLOR: What are you doing? MISS PATTY: Well, I was just. . . TAYLOR: You tried to take my megaphone. MISS PATTY: No, I just didn't want you to drop it. TAYLOR: No one touches my megaphone. No one. MISS PATTY: What do you mean – TAYLOR: Guards! MISS PATTY: - no one touches your megaphone? TAYLOR: Guards! MISS PATTY: [pokes the megaphone] How's that. . .take that! TAYLOR: Hey! Hey! [cut to Lorelai and Rory on the dance floor] LORELAI: Tell me a joke. RORY: Knock knock. LORELAI: [giggles] That was a good one. Ow! RORY: You okay? LORELAI: Oh no! RORY: What? LORELAI: My heel broke. RORY: What? LORELAI: My heel just broke off. Damn, these are brand new shoes, too. RORY: They were made in 1943. LORELAI: Well, I just bought them Tuesday. RORY: I told you not to wear vintage shoes. LORELAI: But the lady at the store said that they hadn't been worn a lot. RORY: Yeah, but not a lot in sixty years is still a lot. LORELAI: I gotta fix them. I'll use my emergency card. I'll be right back. RORY: No, stop. If you leave, there's no way I'll be able to stand up on my own. LORELAI: Ten minutes. RORY: Nighty-night. LORELAI: Fine, hold on. Dean, come here! Dean! RORY: What are you doing? [Dean walks over to them] DEAN: Is everything okay? LORELAI: Yeah, it's great. Stand here. [Lorelai drapes Rory's arm across Dean] DEAN: Whoa. LORELAI: Look, I'll be back in ten minutes. Do not let her stop or lay down, do you understand me? DEAN: But I – LORELAI: I need you, Dean. The team needs you. DEAN: What team? LORELAI: Pick a team – it needs you. I'll be right back. [Lorelai walks away] RORY: I'm really sorry about this. DEAN: Yeah, uh, it's okay. RORY: Are you sure? DEAN: Yeah. Actually, it's not bad at all. [cut to Luke's coffee table] LUKE: [to woman on the bleachers] I think that one's a goner, Miss. [Lorelai walks up to him holding the heel of her shoe] LORELAI: Hey, my shoe broke. LUKE: What? LORELAI: I need you to fix it. LUKE: Do I look like a cobbler to you? LORELAI: If I say yes, will you fix my shoe? LUKE: Let me see it. LORELAI: I only have ten minutes – please. LUKE: I think I have some glue back at the diner. LORELAI: Glue, yes – we love glue! LUKE: I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you. LORELAI: Thank you. [Luke leaves, Sookie walks up to Lorelai] SOOKIE: Hey. Are you guys out? LORELAI: No, my shoe broke. Luke's fixing it. SOOKIE: Oh, good. Listen, I just feel terrible about what happened. LORELAI: I know. How's Jackson? SOOKIE: Oh, he's fine. We went home, and he calmed down, and we talked. He totally understands and he's open to anything I want. LORELAI: That's great. SOOKIE: Now, tell me what I want. LORELAI: No way. SOOKIE: But I'm not sure. LORELAI: Then flip a coin ‘cause I am staying so far out of this. SOOKIE: You're my best friend. LORELAI: Yes, I am, and I can only remain your best friend as long as Jackson doesn't kill me. SOOKIE: Lorelai. . . LORELAI: Sookie, he's a produce man. They'll never find the body, but the squash will be especially chatty that year. SOOKIE: Okay, fair enough. LORELAI: Hey, take your time. That's it. That's all I have to say. SOOKIE: Thank you. [Luke returns with the glue] LUKE: Got it. LORELAI: Ah, good. SOOKIE: Well, I'm going home to figure out what I want. Good luck. Call me tomorrow. LORELAI: I will. [Sookie leaves] LUKE: So, how's that situation going? LORELAI: Oh, it'll be okay. LUKE: Good. Uh, listen, uh, I didn't really mean all that stuff I said earlier. LORELAI: What stuff? LUKE: Uh, the kid stuff, you know. LORELAI: Oh, it's no big deal. LUKE: Yeah, I know, I just. . .I'm not really as anti-kid as I might have come off. LORELAI: Drop another sucker in. . . LUKE: Okay, yes. I don't always have the patience for them. They tend to be a little squishy, and that freaks me out a little. LORELAI: You don't have to want kids, Luke. Or like kids. It's not for everybody. LUKE: I know, but. . .although I'm quite happy going an entire day without having to deal with somebody else's bodily functions, if I ever happen to meet the right person. . .well, it would be a discussion. LORELAI: A discussion. LUKE: Yes. Probably a short discussion, but still. Here, hold this. So what about you – you ever think about having another kid? LORELAI: Oh, I don't know how much fun it would be without biology finals and headgear. . . but sure, if I ever happen to meet the right person, another kid might be nice. [they stare at each other for a moment] LUKE: Your shoe'll be ready in a minute LORELAI: Thank you. CUT TO MISS PATTY'S [Lane is sitting out front. She gets up and walks back inside to the food table, and Dave walks up to her] DAVE: One sandwich please. LANE: Hi. DAVE: Hi. LANE: What are you doing here? DAVE: Uh, well, you mentioned this thing last time we talked and it sounded very Blue Velvet so I figured I would come by and check it out. LANE: What do you think? DAVE: Uh, I think you held back. LANE: Yeah, well. . . DAVE: Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue. LANE: Sure, we could do that. DAVE: Plus, I missed you. LANE: You did? You missed me? DAVE: Well, yeah. Did you miss me? LANE: Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you. DAVE: Glad and relieved to hear it. [Mrs. Kim walks over to them] MRS. KIM: Who are you, what do you want? LANE: Mama. MRS. KIM: Do you know this boy? LANE: Well – DAVE: Uh, no, actually, I just heard a bunch of people talking outside about the sandwiches and I thought that I would come in and maybe try one. I'm sorry, may I? [Mrs. Kim hands him a sandwich] Thank you. [takes a bite] That's delicious. LANE: Really? DAVE: May I have another one for later please? MRS. KIM: Yes, that's fine. Take another one. DAVE: Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring them by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now. MRS. KIM: Bible study? DAVE: Say, how long are you serving? MRS. KIM: Why? DAVE: Well, I thought that if they got out in time I could bring them on over. MRS. KIM: Well, the bread is only good for another twenty minutes, after that there's no point. You chip a tooth. DAVE: Okay. So if I can get my parents back here in twenty minutes, then you'll still be serving, but in thirty you're done? MRS. KIM: That's right. DAVE: Great. So if for some reason I'm not back here in twenty minutes, that means that I'm gonna be over there, on the church steps, waiting for my parents to get out so that I can tell them about the great sandwiches that they missed. Okay? Okay, great. Thanks a lot and I hope to see you soon. [leaves] MRS. KIM: I hope he comes back. He seemed hungry. CUT TO INSIDE THE GYM [Rory and Dean are still dancing. Jess and Shane sitting on the bleachers] RORY: He's still there. DEAN: What? RORY: Jess. He's still there. I can't believe he's still there. DEAN: Just ignore him. RORY: Yeah. You know, this is a dance marathon. You're not supposed to come and sit and watch, you're supposed to dance. He's just trying to bug me, sitting there right in front of me, staring. Jerk. SHANE: I'm bored. JESS: Okay. [they start kissing] RORY: There they go again! God, I swear, why can't they just get a room? Or forget a room – get a park bench, or a doorway, or even a strategically placed telephone pole would probably suffice. I mean, girls like Shane – what is it with them? Don't they see what they look like? I know they have mirrors. JESS: Hey, you talking about me? RORY: No. JESS: I heard you mention Shane. RORY: Shane isn't you. JESS: Shane concerns me. RORY: Shane concerns me, too – and all women, for that matter. JESS: You got a problem here? RORY: Nope. Just a little sick of seeing the two of you sitting there. If you're not gonna participate, then why don't you just leave? SHANE: That works for me. Let's go. JESS: No. RORY: Why not? JESS: Because I'm not ready to go. RORY: Oh really? JESS: Yes, really. I'm gonna sit here as long as I like, and I'm gonna do whatever I like, and if you don't like it, then just ignore me and pay attention to your boyfriend. DEAN: Sorry, she can't. I'm not her boyfriend anymore. RORY: What? DEAN: You know, I tried to ignore this. I really did, but I don't know what the hell I was thinking. RORY: What are you talking about? DEAN: You don't wanna be with me, Rory. RORY: Yes, I do. DEAN: Oh, please! You've been into him since he got to town, and I have spent weeks – months, actually – trying to convince myself that it wasn't true, that everything was fine between us. But now I know that I was an idiot. You're into him and he's into you, and Shane, who by the way, should be listening to this ‘cause it's so damn obvious. RORY: What's obvious? What did I do? DEAN: Everyone can see, Rory! Everyone. And I'm tired, but I'm over it, so go ahead, go. Be together. There's nothing standing in your way now, ‘cause I'm out. [Dean grabs his jacket from the bleachers and leaves] TAYLOR: I don't see a yellow card. I don't see a yellow card. Excuse me, young lady. . .whose name I don't remember right now. . . ugh, no one listens to me. MISS PATTY: I know, honey. CUT TO THE BRIDGE [Rory is sitting on the bridge as Jess walks up to her] JESS: Dean's a jerk. Yelling at you like that, breaking up in front of everybody. . .the guy's a total jerk. RORY: No, he's not. He's right. Everything he said. All those things about you and me, all those things about me lying to him, and messing with his head. He was right. Well, wasn't he? Fine, he was right about me, then. Now go away. JESS: He was right. . . about all of it. RORY: So, what now? JESS: You're definitely broken up with Dean? RORY: Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean. JESS: Okay. I have to go take care of something then. CUT TO INSIDE THE GYMNASIUM [Only two couples are left: Kirk and his partner, and another couple. The woman of the other couple falls to the ground] KIRK: They're out! They're out! We won! We won! [runs over to Miss Patty and wakes her up] MISS PATTY: Oh, oh, oh. Taylor, wake up! It's over. Taylor, blow the horn. TAYLOR: [asleep on some chairs] . . .a quarter right out of your ear. MISS PATTY: Taylor, the horn. Oh, for Pete's Sake. [Patty blows the air horn] Okay, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner! [Lorelai rushes over to them] LORELAI: Wait, what are you doing? I'm here, I'm standing, I used my yellow card! KIRK: I win, I win! I win, I win, I win, I win! LORELAI: You didn't win! I'm still here! Patty, where's Rory? MISS PATTY: Oh, she ran off the floor a little while ago, honey. LORELAI: What? No! KIRK: Yes! MISS PATTY: For the fifth year in a row, ladies and gentlemen, the marathon winner is Donna Delain and Kirk! [Lorelai sees Rory across the gym, and she walks over to her] LORELAI: Rory, what happened? Where did you go? [sees that Rory is crying] Oh, Rory, honey! Oh. [Lorelai and Rory hug while Kirk runs around the gym with the trophy]

Lorelai is determined to win the Stars Hollow Dance Marathon and wrest the trophy from four-time champion Kirk, but has trouble getting a partner until she finally convinces Rory to help her dance her way to victory. Dean sits on the sidelines to cheer his girl on, and is soon joined by Jess and Shane, who spend their time making out while Jess keeps his eye on Rory. Lorelai breaks her heel, and Dean takes her place while Luke plays shoe repairman. On the dance floor, Dean realizes that Rory is attracted to Jess and breaks up with her. Rory tearfully runs off, followed closely by Jess, and Kirk is declared the winner once again.

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WASHINGTON D.C. BAR Quinn: Harrison Wright? Harrison: Quinn Perkins. Quinn: I can't stay. Harrison: What are you drinking? Quinn: I can't stay. I'm sorry. I only came because Lori wouldn't give me your number so I could cancel and I didn't want you to be waiting here because getting stood up in this particular bar is like falling face down on a runway. And even though I don't know you, Lori's got this annoying habit of meddling, so it seemed only decent ... Harrison: What are you drinking? Quinn: I can't stay is what I'm saying. I don't do blind dates. Harrison: My parents met on a blind date. They've been inseparable ever since. Quinn: I'm happy for your parents and for you, because it means you exist, but I don't do blind dates. Harrison: This isn't a blind date. Quinn: What? Harrison: It's a job interview. What are you drinking? Quinn: Dirty martini. What do you mean this is a job interview? Harrison: This is a job interview. Quinn: You're a baby lawyer. You're 12 years old. Harrison: I am 28 years old. Quinn: Why aren't we sitting in an office in a law firm? Harrison: Because that's not how we do job interviews. Quinn: I didn't apply for a job with you. Harrison: You did. Quinn: I didn't. Harrison: You did. Quinn: I didn't. Okay, you know what? This has been whatever, but I don't do blind dates, so ... Harrison: Ask me who I work for. Quinn: What? Harrison: You really want to ask me who I work for. Quinn: Fine. Who do you work for? Harrison: Olivia Pope. Quinn: Olivia Pope? The Olivia Pope? Wait. Shut up. Is this some kind of ploy to make me stay on this date? Harrison: Quinn, this is not a blind date. On blind dates, I like to buy a woman dinner 'cause it makes her more likely to either sleep with me or give me a second date. When I buy you dinner, you'll know I'm interested. You did apply for a job with me. The way I know you applied for a job with me is that I have your resume on my iPad, the way I know you would kill puppies to get this job is the way you stopped breathing when I said the name "Olivia Pope," which is a tell, your tell, which you should look at, 'cause I'm gonna offer you a crap salary, and you'll have to take it, 'cause you never really learned how to breathe in and out without stopping, but don't feel bad, 'cause we all get paid crap salaries because we're the good guys. I'm a good guy, which means I generally don't lie, but I just did to you. This is not a job interview. Quinn: Wait. I don't, um, I'm confused. Harrison: Olivia already told me to hire you. The job is yours, if you want it. The best job you'll ever have. You'll change lives, slay dragons, love the hunt more than you ever dreamed because Olivia Pope is as amazing as they say. And, uh I'm not a baby lawyer. I'm a gladiator in a suit, 'cause that's what you are when you work for Olivia. You're a gladiator in a suit. Do you want to be a gladiator in a suit? Quinn: Mm-hmm. Harrison: You gotta say it. Quinn: I want to be a gladiator in a suit. [SCENE_BREAK] ABANDONED BUILDING Stephen: We're gonna get killed. Olivia: Did you propose? Weren't you gonna ask her tonight? Stephen: I was doing this tonight. Liv, we're gonna get killed. We're $3 million short. Olivia: So you flaked. Why are we short? Stephen: The Ambassador couldn't come up with the rest, which is a problem, a very big problem, why we shouldn't even be going up there in the first place. And I did not flake. I'm working for you. Olivia: Don't worry. They'll take what we give them. Did you at least buy the engagement ring? Stephen: Ukrainian mobsters do not take what you give them. They just shoot you. So we have bigger things to worry about than me not proposing to my girlfriend. We are in a situation here. Focus. Do what you do. Olivia: Good evening, gentlemen. Oskar: You got the money? Olivia: Of course, all $3 million. Oskar: We said 6. Olivia: Did we? Oskar: We did. Olivia: I have 3. Oskar: That's a problem. Olivia: Well, it's all the Ambassador had on such short notice, so you're just gonna have to take it. Oskar: Leave the $3 million. When you come back with the rest? We have a deal. Olivia: That's not gonna happen, Oskar. Oskar: No? Olivia: Nyet. What's going to happen is you and Vlad are gonna take the $3 million and leave right now for Dulles to make your flight to the motherland. The reason you're gonna want to go right now beside the fact that it's just good travel sense to give yourself enough time for international check-in, is in exactly 4 hours and 15 minutes, both of your names are gonna suddenly "pop up" on homeland security's no-fly list. Lucky for you, you're booked on a flight that leaves in two and a half hours, so if it were me, I'd much rather spend $3 million in Kiev than here in Georgetown. Way more bang for your buck. In fact, it may even feel like $6 once you're there. Olivia: Good boys. So since we have a deal, I am gonna take what we paid for. Pleasure doing business with you. I thank you, my client thanks you, and I hope to never see you again. Stephen: God, I love this job. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: Do I look okay? Harrison: Too much cleavage. Olivia'll talk about you. Just take it in. This is Huck. He's our tech guy. Used to be CIA, right, Huck? Huck: I don't talk about that. New girl? Harrison: New girl. Quinn: Are you sure she's here? It's late. Harrison: She's here. She's always here. That's Stephen. That's Abby. He's a litigator. She's an investigator. And that's ... Quinn: Olivia Pope. Harrison: Come on. Olivia: I'm not doing it. Abby: Well, I'm not doing it either. Stephen: Do not look at me. Harrison: How'd it go? Olivia: We gave them $3 million. They gave us the package. Stephen: $3 million down. The woman doesn't flinch. Olivia: We're just waiting for pickup. Too much cleavage. Quinn: I'm ... I'm sorry. I didn't know that I was coming here. Can I just say that I am a huge fan? I so admire your work in the White House. It is an honor to work for your law firm. Olivia: We're not a law firm. We're lawyers, but this is not a law firm. Stephen: Law firms are for pansies. Olivia: We solve problems. Abby: Manage crises, save reputations. Quinn: Right. Of course. It's still an honor. Olivia: Harrison feed you a line about being a gladiator in a suit? Harrison: Liv. Quinn: He did, and I am ready to gladiate or whatever. Olivia: You know how to gladiate a diaper change? Woman: Bazyli! (Speaks in Ukrainian) Ambassador: Thank you. Thank you. When the Russians kidnapped him, I thought ... but you returned my son back to me. Thank you. Anything I can do for you. Anything. Stephen: If you ever have a second child, Olivia's a beautiful name. Olivia: Mr. Ambassador, you can take your son back to the consulate and keep him safe. And you can never tell anyone about this. The FBI is sick of me. Ambassador: Of course. Thank you. Olivia: Thank you. Harrison: Hoo-hoo! Olivia: Good work, everyone. Quinn: What ...? Huck: We've got incoming. Stephen: It's after hours. Take a message. We're going home. Huck: Not on the phone. Here. And you want to talk to him. Sully: You have to help me. Somebody has to help me. Please. My girlfriend. She's dead. The police think I killed her. Harrison: Welcome to Olivia Pope and Associates. Abby: Lieutenant Colonel Sullivan "Sully" St. James age 32, did two tours in Iraq, was injured saving the lives of his entire unit, a war hero. Stephen: And not just any war hero the first living marine awarded the medal of honor for action in any war since Vietnam. Abby: A famous war hero, working class, patriotic, comes from a long line of soldiers. Here he is with the president. Also sexiest man alive 2010. Olivia: Poster boy for the military. Abby: And for the conservative right. That's how he makes his living. He gives expensive speeches, makes a fortune. He's anti-choice, pro-gun, hates the gays, and likes it when kids pray in school. Stephen: Abby. Abby: I'm just saying he sickens me politically. I'm not saying we shouldn't help him. Harrison: Who's the dead girlfriend? Abby: Paige Montgomery 27, rich girl, good family. Huck: It's on the police scanners as "Girl was found dead in her apartment, three shots to the head." Stephen: Three? That's not an accident. Huck: Sully called 9-1-1, but took off before the police arrived. Quinn: Wait. What are we ... can I ask? What do we do? I mean, if we aren't defense lawyers, we're not the state's attorney, it looks like he did it, so what do we do? What can we do? Olivia: First we interview Sully. Sully: I was gonna propose. We were gonna get married. Paige was everything to me. She was my best friend. Olivia: We listen to him. We watch him. Stephen: Did you kill her? Sully: No. I would never. I loved her. Harrison: Where'd the blood come from? Olivia: In this moment, we are the judge and we are the jury, the media and the public opinion. Sully: I went to her apartment, and I found her like that. I held her, but there was, uh, just so much blood, and I-I called the police and I-I-I panicked. I'm on TV, you know, so I didn't know what to do. I thought that they would think that I did it. I panicked. I'm sorry. Olivia: This is the moment where we decide who he is. Stephen: Where were you during the murder? Sully: I walk at night around the neighborhood. I-I was walking, and I stepped into Matty's Pub and I had a beer. And then I kept walking and went to go see Paige. Abby: Do you own a handgun? Sully: Not since I left the military. I just don't believe she's actually gone. Stephen: I vote no. The guy's a fugitive covered in blood. Not once did he question who killed Paige or ask us to find her killer. We all know that's a red flag. He did it. Harrison: No, I don't think he did. He's a soldier, government-issue trained killing machine. He'd have to be an idiot to get her blood all over himself, call 9-1-1, and then run. But I still vote no. It's a media hand grenade. Abby: I don't want to take it because it's too messy, too much work. And I hate republicans. Olivia: My vote always comes down to my gut. My gut tells me everything I need to know. Olivia: We're taking the case. Stephen: Why do we even bother voting? Olivia: You're pretty and smart. So pretty, so smart. Olivia: Next I set the rules. Olivia: We're gonna give you a clean shirt and put you in Stephen's office. You are to stay there. No phone calls: not to work, not to friends, not to press, no one. This is on us now. Your job is to stay in that office and let us do our job. Olivia: Then I warn them. I always warn them. Olivia: I have one rule do not lie. You lie, all bets are off. Got it? Now is there anything else you want to tell me? Sully: I didn't kill her. She was my best friend. I loved her. [SCENE_BREAK] DAVID ROSEN'S FRONT DOOR David: Why am I not surprised that you're on this? Olivia: You have to give me 48 hours before you arrest or charge Sully St. James. David: I was sleeping. Olivia: The US attorney's office never sleeps. You told me that once. David: I was being ironic. Olivia: 48 hours before you arrest or charge. David: Olivia, you don't have the muscle of the White House behind you anymore. You're just a private citizen, who is, by the way, annoying. Olivia: He's a decorated war hero. He's a patriot. You realize the blowback you'll get for rushing to judgment on a patriot? David: The blowback you'll create? Olivia: Well, yeah. That's my job. David: Do you actually have the naive belief that waking me in the middle of the night and threatening me is the correct path to getting your way? Olivia: I wasn't threatening you. He didn't kill her. My gut says he didn't. David: Your spidey senses aren't evidence. I've been on the phone with homicide. He killed her and ran. Olivia: I can have a reporter out here in 20 minutes, with cameras, asking why you are persecuting an innocent, handicapped medal of honor winner. Perhaps because he's a well-known conservative Republican and you are considering a bid on the Democratic ticket next year. Just to be clear that was me threatening you. David: You have until morning. Olivia: 36 hours David: 24 hours Olivia: SOLD! Pleasure to see you again. [SCENE_BREAK] CRIME SCENE Abby: Hey, Wally. Body still here or did the morgue take it already? Wally: Go home. I'm not telling you a thing. Abby: You don't have to. I'll just take a quick peek at the crime scene. Wally: Not on my watch. Abby: How's your wife, Wally? She's what, six months pregnant? Does she know about the stripper? Wally: You're a real bitch, you know that? Abby: I do know that, Wally. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: So you guys don't try cases? You don't go to court? Harrison: We do our jobs right, we never need to go to court. Now look, the reason we're not a law firm is we don't have to play within the rules of the law. We're fixers, crisis managers. We make the problems of our client, big or small, go away. It's not about solving a crime. It's not about justice. It's about our client. [SCENE_BREAK] CITY MORGUE Lisa: No. Stephen: Lisa. Lisa: No! Stephen: Lisa. Lisa: You didn't call me. Stephen: I'm an ass. Lisa: Who slept with me and didn't call me. Stephen: I'm getting married. Lisa: You? You're getting married? You? Stephen: Her name is Georgia. She teaches third grade, which is why, as much as I would like to, I can't do it with you in the freezer anymore. Lisa: What do you want? Stephen: I need you to fast-track an autopsy, slip me the report. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Quinn: We've been here all night. Hey, don't you people ever sleep? Don't any of you have husbands, wives, kids? Lives? Harrison: No. Gladiators. In suits. Olivia: We need more. Stephen: The guy's alibi is water, bloody clothes, and he's a runner. He killed her. Abby: Definitely killed her. Olivia: There. Gun was found on the scene. Abby: I'll work the cops, find out if there are any fingerprints on the gun. Olivia: And there. Look at them. Look how he's looking at her. He loves her. Stephen: A guy in love only kills if he has motive. If he has a motive, we need to find it before the police do. Olivia: I have to step out. I'll be back. We need more! Quinn: So what happens now? Harrison: She wants more, we get more. [SCENE_BREAK] LAFAYETTE PARK Olivia: What? Cyrus: Hi. Hello. How are you? Olivia: Hi. Hello. How are you? What? Cyrus: You working the Sully St. James thing? Olivia: I'm trying to stamp out the flames. If you guys could refrain from commenting ... Cyrus: What's your gut say? Olivia: He didn't do it. Cyrus: Your gut's never wrong. We'll stay quiet. But keep me in the loop. Olivia: You didn't ask me here to talk about Sully St. James. Cyrus: He needs a favor. Olivia: I don't work for him anymore. Cyrus: He trusts you. Olivia: I don't work for him anymore. Cyrus: And yet you came when I called. Olivia: What? Cyrus: There's a girl, an aide, going around saying she's sleeping with him. Olivia: Is she? Cyrus: Liv. Olivia: Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky. John Edwards, Rielle Hunter. Is she? Cyrus: No. You know him. He's not that guy. I need you to shut her down. Olivia: I need to see him. Cyrus: Liv, that's not possible. Olivia: You want me to shut her down? Then I need to look him in the eye and know he's not lying. Cyrus: He's not ... Look, the man's schedule is insane. He has no time to see you. Olivia: He wants the favor. He wants my services. I do not work for him anymore, so you tell the President of the United States to make time. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Stephen: You're going? Olivia: I'm going. Stephen: To Camp David? Olivia: I won't be gone long. Stephen: You're going to Camp David to meet with the President, why? Olivia: Meeting at the White House is too official. Press is there. Abby: He wants you to take your old job back, doesn't he? He's wooing you. Olivia: He's not wooing me. We're friends. Stephen: You and I are friends. He's the leader of the free world. Your life makes me feel unsuccessful. Olivia: Stay on Sully. Text me if anything happens. I'll be back soon. Stephen: Hey, um ... should I really do it? Olivia: Yes. Stephen: I'm talking about asking Georgia to marry me. Olivia: Yes. Stephen: Because I was thinking I'd buy the ring today, but now with Sully ... Olivia: Stephen, do you want me to talk you into it or out of it? Stephen: Into it. Out of it. No. Into it. Olivia: Normal lives that's the dream. You love her. She loves you. Normal people get married. Stephen: You won't even date. Olivia: I'm not normal. Quinn: Huck finally managed to hack Paige's e-mail. I've been reading them and I think I found something. Paige sent an email to a friend, Ariel Masse. On the night of the murder, they were supposed to attend an embassy party together. Harrison: So why didn't she go? Quinn: I, I don't know. Harrison: Don't ever say "I don't know." Olivia doesn't believe in "I don't know." She asks you why, you better have an answer. Abby! [SCENE_BREAK] ART GALLERY Ariel: Yeah, Paige and I were supposed to go to the French Consulate dinner. Abby: What happened? Ariel: She called at the last minute and she canceled. No big deal. Abby: Ariel, if there's something you're not telling me ... Ariel: Look, you have to understand Paige loves Sully. She used to be we both used to be, you know, party girls, always out, always with a different guy. And then Paige met Sully, and she just settled down with him, you know? It made her family really happy. They were amazing together. I just can't believe she's dead. Abby: Ariel, you can cry. That's understandable, but that's not gonna make me go away. What aren't you telling me? [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: In other news, White House press secretary Joyce Armstrong is saying that as of now, President Grant will issue no comment regarding war hero Sullivan St. James' possible involvement Olivia Pope in the murder of socialite Paige Montgomery. [SCENE_BREAK] CAMP DAVID Aide: He'll be right with you. Olivia: Hi. Cyrus: Hello. Olivia: How are you? Cyrus: Better. You're here. He'll be out in a moment. Olivia: First lady came. She knows about this? Cyrus: It's not like during the election, Liv. The isolation of the White House bonded them. Their marriage is stronger than ever. Mellie: Liv! Olivia: Mellie. Mellie: You never call. You never write. Olivia: Well, you're a little busy. How are the kids? Mellie: Jerry's adjusting to White House life pretty well. But Karen she misses her friends, hates the Secret Service. How are you? Are you dating anybody? Because there is this guy at council's office I think you'd really hit it off with. Olivia: I'm good, really. Thank you. Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Mr. President. Fitz: It's good to see you. I know you've got your hands full with the Sully St. James thing. I can't thank you enough for taking this on. Cyrus: Her name is Amanda Tanner. She's 27. I've got rumors she might be talking. Olivia: And you can't fire her. Cyrus: Not without a nightmare on our hands. Look, as yet, she hasn't gone to the press. It'd like to put a stop to it before she does. Fitz: It's not right. Makes me look like a dirty old man. Olivia: I have to ask. Fitz: No. I never, I would never. No. You've known me a long time, longer than most. You know I did not fall for some young girl. You know there's only one person I love. Cyrus: Mellie and Fitz are happy together, Liv. He'd have no reason to cheat. Olivia: I'll handle it. Consider it handled. Fitz: You should come back to the White House. We need you on our side. Olivia: I like working for myself. But I've never left your side. Cyrus: The band is back together. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: Where are we? Waiting on forensics on the gun to come in. Abby: Whoo-hoo! Paige is a whore! Paige is a whore! She was screwing some guy named Tom Henderson. She canceled on the embassy party to meet up with him. We have another viable suspect! Paige is a whore! I'm gonna run down Henderson, see if I can make something stick. Olivia: Quinn, I need you to find out everything you can about an Amanda Tanner. You have an hour And then I need you to come with me. Harrison: Impress her. [SCENE_BREAK] JEFFERSON NATIONAL PARK Quinn: Can I ask what we're ... Olivia: You're acting as my witness. Just stay by my side. Don't say anything. Olivia: Cute dog. Golden Retriever? Amanda: Yeah. His name's Thomas Jefferson, which is lame, I know, but he's very presidential. Aren't you, T.J.? Olivia: Amanda, it would be a mistake to think there will be no consequences to you telling lies about the president. Amanda: How do you know my name? Who are you? Olivia: My name is Olivia Pope. And I want to be clear I'm not here on any official capacity. I'm only here to warn you, because you should know what could happen. It could become hard for you to find employment, your face would be everywhere. People would associate you with a s*x scandal. All kinds of information about you would easily become available to the press. For example, you've had 22 sexual partners that we know of. Also, there's that ugly bout of gonorrhea. And your family your mother's mental illness a psychotic break, two years at Bedford Hospital. I bet that's private. She runs a daycare now, right? Amanda: He told me he loved me. He gave me this dog. Olivia: See, it's those kind of lies that could hurt you if you said them to other people people not as nice as me. I'll give you some free advice. Hand in your resignation and pack up your dog and your things and get in your car and go. Find a small city Minneapolis, maybe, or Denver, get a little job, meet a boring boy, make some friends. Because in this town, your career is over. You're done. Amanda: Why are you doing this to me? I'm a good person. Olivia: You know who else was a good person? Monica Lewinsky. And she was telling the truth, but she still got destroyed. Olivia: If you get subpoenaed in front of a grand jury, you can testify as an officer of the court that I was working on my own. I didn't blackmail or threaten her. If you don't get subpoenaed, this never happened. Olivia: It's handled. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Huck: Are you crying? Quinn: This is the ladies' room. Huck: Are you crying? Quinn: No. Huck: Yes, you are. Quinn: No, I'm not. Huck: You are. Quinn: Fine. I'm crying. Huck: Well, don't let Olivia see you doing that. She doesn't believe in crying. Quinn: She doesn't believe in What is that? Who says that? Huck: Olivia. She says that. Quinn: Wait. C-can I ask you why did she hire me? I mean, she must get a hundred resumes. Why me? What about me what about me says "stand next to me while I decimate a girl walking her dog"? Huck: You're here because you worship her. You want to be her. You think if you're near her, if you stand in her light, then you'll finally do stuff that matters. Because you need to believe that there's something greater than a-a 9:00 to 5:00 crap job, that there's a higher purpose, that your life has meaning, because the world feels big and you feel lost. Am I right? Olivia Pope fixes things. That's who she is. You need fixing. I don't know your story. I don't need to know. We all have a story. Everyone in this office needs fixing. You're a stray dog, and Olivia took you in. Don't question it. No crying. We don't cry, ever. TV: The President and the First Lady are just now returning to the White House, where tonight they will be hosting a state dinner for President Sarkozy and the French first lady. Even though many see this as a positive move in relations between the two countries ... Cyrus: Cyrus Beene. Olivia: Put him on. I just need a second. Cyrus: Olivia needs you. Fitz: Hi, Liv. Olivia: Did you buy her a dog? Fitz: What? Olivia: Just answer the question. Fitz: No, of course not. Why do you ask? Olivia: Do me a favor. Turn your head a little to the left. Okay. Sorry. Forget I asked. Thank you, Mr. President. Sully's on the crawl on the big three cable news stations, all over "drudge." Network news is still hours away, but, uh, Diane Sawyer's already sniffing. Abby: I've got good, I've got bad, I've got ugly. The good - Tom Henderson spilled his guts the minute I leaned on him. Bad - he has an airtight alibi. He was working as a bouncer at a club at the time of the murder. Ugly - Henderson claims that Sully knew he was sleeping with his girlfriend, which gives Sully motive. Stephen: Even uglier - gun found in the murder has Sully's prints all over it, which gives him means. Olivia: Damn it. Olivia: Did you know Paige was sleeping with Tom Henderson? Sully: What? Olivia: Did you Know? Sully: I hired you. You can't come in here and t... Stephen: Yes, she can. She can do whatever the hell she wants, because without her, you are definitely going to jail. My guess is 20 years, but if they get fancy, a life sentence is a possibility. Is that what you want? Olivia: Did you know Paige was sleeping with Tom Henderson? Sully: Yeah. Yeah, I knew. Olivia: Look over our statement. Get me five soldiers. Make sure it uses the words "war hero." Preferably with bars on their uniforms, who are willing to attest to Sully's heroism and kindness And get our defense attorney down here. (On the record.) Sully: Wait. Wait. I did not kill Paige. Paige She slept around a lot before. I would've forgiven her. But I didn't kill her. You have to believe me. (Sully, your fingerprints are on the gun.) Sully: That's because I picked it up off of the floor. I am a soldier and I have looked into the faces of men as I killed them. I know what it means to take a life. I don't know how a person could do this to someone they love. I loved Paige. She was my best friend. I did not kill her. Olivia: Find me somebody, anybody, who can say they saw Sully at the time of the murder. Make his alibi stick. Abby: Liv. Olivia: I believe him. Abby, I believe him. Go make his alibi stick. Stephen: I'll get the car. Olivia: In a minute. Huck, did you talk to my guy? Huck: Yeah. Olivia: You got it? Huck: I got it. Stephen: What? Olivia: Open it. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: Yes. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: For getting engaged. Stephen: They're engagement rings. Olivia: Stephen, we made you a reservation Best table. Huck already called Georgia. She's meeting you there. Pick a ring. Marry the girl. Be normal. Stephen: You can't just you're bullying me. Olivia: As long as I've known you, you've dated a series of women I can only describe as trashy and too young for you and most of all, stupid. Georgia is funny and fun and old enough and brilliant, and you know you want to marry her. We all know you want to marry her, so pick a damn ring already so we can go find an alibi for Sully St. James. Stephen: She'll like this one. Olivia: Excellent choice. Amanda: I want to see her. Harrison: She's not available. Amanda: I want to see her. Harrison: She's not available. Amanda: Let me through. Olivia: Amanda. Amanda: I want you to give him a message. Olivia: That's not appropriate. Amanda: Not appropriate? Not appropriate? You came to me, and I know he sent you. I know you can give him a message. Olivia: This conversation is over. Please leave. Amanda: I quit my job, okay? I did it. Now please give him a message! Olivia: Marlon, take her down. Do not let her back up. Amanda: I'm telling the truth. I am. David: Time's up, Liv. I have a warrant. Olivia: I still have 40 minutes. David: Fine. 40 minutes and then I want Sully St. James in handcuffs. Olivia: You stay out here. Nobody crosses this doorway. Olivia: Get Abby on the phone. Tell her we've been invaded. Tell her time is up. [SCENE_BREAK] OUTSIDE MATTY'S PUB Abby: Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. I showed Sully's picture to everyone in the bar. No one saw him the night of the murder, and Liv's got cops in the lobby. He's finished. Stephen: Maybe not. [SCENE_BREAK] BANK SECURITY OFFICE Harrison: I have $500 in cash and a pizza. Abby: Howie, meet your $500 and your pizza. Howie: Deep dish, sausage and mushroom? Harrison: Yeah. Howie: Show me. Stephen: We have a ticking clock here, Howie. Howie: I'm counting. Abby: Last night, between 10:00 and midnight, the bank camera that points northeast towards Matty's pub. Speed through. Stop. Right there. Harrison: Is ... Is that Sully? Stephen: We're gonna need a copy of that. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES Olivia: We don't have a lot of time. The police are here, so I need you to listen. Sully: What's going on? Olivia: We were able to verify your alibi. Sully: You were? That's That's a good thing, right? Olivia: Sully, you're the most decorated hero since the Vietnam War, you come from a family of soldiers, you make your living giving speeches for the conservative right, and you've said over and over, Paige was your best friend. Not your lover, your best friend. Paige knew, didn't she? She was your best friend. She knew you were gay. The two of you had a deal. Sully: You can't show that tape to anyone. Olivia: I need the name of the man you were kissing. Sully: You can't show that tape and you can't have a name. Olivia: It's your alibi. Sully: No. I'm You cannot tell people that I am gay. I am a hero. Abby: The police have a warrant for your arrest. All due respect, people finding out you're gay is no big deal compared to that. Sully: No. I am a hero. I honor the uniform. Olivia: Sully Sully: I honor the uniform! Olivia: Sully, look at me. The rules have changed. Don't ask, don't tell is over. Sully: That is talk! I am a conservative republican! I am publicly anti-gay! I am the deacon in my church. They're talking about me running for Congress one day. I am Lieutenant Colonel Sullivan St. James. I'm a hero. I can't be gay. Olivia: But you are. This is who you are. This is your alibi. Let us help you. Come on, Sully. Sully: No. Olivia: Sully. Sully! Cop: Sullivan St. James, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can you have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be provided to you Hey. Huck: You seen Olivia? Quinn: Sully was just arrested. Olivia went to the police station. What's up? I'm on my way there. Huck: Got a strange call some girl named Amanda Tanner. Quinn: What about her? Huck: She's in the hospital. She tried to kill herself. [SCENE_BREAK] POLICE STATION Harrison: Reporters are starting to gather outside. Olivia: Crap. Abby: Our defense attorney's with Sully now, but it doesn't seem optimistic. What do we do? Olivia: We can't use the alibi. Abby: Can we leak it? We- Olivia: He's our client. We have to do at he wants. I hate this! I have to go. Stephen: Now? Olivia: It's after 6:00. They won't arraign him till morning. I'll be back. Get in to see Sully. See if you can change his mind. Stephen: Georgia's gonna be waiting for me at Chez Henri. I could cancel. Abby: We'll work on Sully. Go. Go! Stephen: Okay.Thanks. Abby: Get down on one knee. Women like that. [SCENE_BREAK] HOSPITAL Olivia: What happened? Quinn: She slashed her wrists. Olivia: Any press sniffing around? Quinn: No. No one. One of the nurses told me her dad's flying in. He'll be here in the morning. Olivia: Okay. She hasn't spoken anyone ... no nurses or doctors about anything? Quinn: Just to me. Olivia: Good. Stay with her. Quinn: Olivia. You said to trust your gut. My gut says she's telling the truth. Olivia: She's not. Quinn: How do you know? Olivia: Because I know the President. Quinn: Okay. It's just she was going on and on and on about how there's this secret room off of the Oval Office where they've met, and I've read about the White House. There is a little room. Olivia: If you read it, she read it. People are crazy. They get fixated on famous people. They stalk them. Quinn: But I don't think she's crazy. Olivia: Tell me why. Quinn: Okay. She tried to kill herself, but she didn't want to die. She called you right after she did it because she wanted him to find out she was hurt and come see her. She thought he would do that. Olivia: Quinn. Quinn: She was going on and on and on about how she thought he'd come and call her "sweet baby" and everything would be fine. Olivia: What? Quinn: What? Olivia: What did you say? Quinn: That he'd come if she was hurt. Olivia: And he would call her... Quinn: "Sweet baby." And I was just thinking that if she really thought that if he found out... [SCENE_BREAK] WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE Olivia: Where is he? Aide: It'll just be a moment. Olivia: Stephen, I can't talk right now. What's wrong? Okay. I'll be there. I'm coming. Maybe half an hour. Because I'm doing something! I'm coming. I-I have to go. Fitz: Livvie? This is a surprise. Fitz: We're gonna need the room, please. Cyrus: Sir, you have to give that toast to the president of France in ten minutes. Maybe you could find ... Fitz: We need the room. Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Sweet baby? Sweet ba.. Sweet baby? Fitz: Come here. Fitz: You left me. Olivia: Because you are married, because you said you wanted to try to dedicate yourself to your marriage, because you are the leader of the free world and I wanted you to be a better man. I wanted you to be the man I campaigned for, helped get elected, and I voted for. Do not touch me. Don't touch me. Fitz: Please. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Olivia: Did you give her that dog? Fitz: Livvie. Olivia: Did you give her that dog? Fitz: I love you. Olivia: I believed you. You clouded judgment. You made me mistrust my gut because I wanted to believe you! Destroyed that girl! She tried to kill herself. Cyrus: I just want to say that we can hear you screaming. Mr. President, you want to go clean up. Fitz: Cy no. Cyrus: You have lipstick on your mouth. You need to clean up. Cyrus: Mother of God. Olivia: You didn't know. He tells you everything. Cyrus: Didn't tell me this. Olivia: Because it didn't matter enough. Cyrus: No, Liv. Liv. Olivia: Don't. I have to go. [SCENE_BREAK] CHEZ HENRI RESTAURANT Stephen: Just a minute. Liv! Olivia: Y-you're in a coat closet. You can do this. Stephen: That's the thing. I don't think I can. Olivia: Tell me. Stephen: You know, what if I-I marry her and I cheat or she gs bored with me or She doesn't love me enough? I am not a good guy. Livvie, what if she leaves me? Olivia: I gotta trust my gut and my gut is what? Stephen: Never wrong. Olivia: Never wrong, and my gut tells me at she's in this. She's in this with you. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but you have to try, because if you try, if you leap and you try, and it doesn't work out, it's not on you. Stephen: It's not on me. Olivia: You can do this. Stephen: Okay. Okay. I can do this. Olivia: Go. Be happy. Get some normal. Stephen: Georgia, it would give me the greatest honor... [SCENE_BREAK] POLICE STATION Olivia: We may never know who killed Paige. But this isn't about you not going to jail for Paige's murder. This is about you not living a lie. Sully, I saw that kiss. You love that man, whoever he is. You love him. You have been living with a secret for a really long time. I know what that's like. I honestly do. And you think you're doing it for the right reasons. You think you're doing it for your country and for the people who look up to you, but the thing is, who you are, who you love that shouldn't be a secret. It shouldn't have to be a secret, should it? Sully: John Latimer. That's his name. And I do. Love him. [SCENE_BREAK] SULLY'S PRESS CONFERENCE Sully: I am honored to have served my country. I am honored to have been injured serving my country. And just as importantly, I am honored to be a gay man who served my country. [SCENE_BREAK] OLIVIA POPE AND ASSOCIATES TV: That was Sullivan St. James, cleared of murder charges. Abby: The other soldiers are a nice touch, don't you think? TV: Soldiers standing by his side. Sully appeared stoically strong. Stephen: You have good ideas. Quinn: So Sully's innocent. Harrison: He didn't kill Paige. Quinn: Then who did? Huck: Don't matter. Harrison: It matters, just not to us all that matters is Sully. That's the job. Harrison: Look, I take all this stuff to the police. Maybe it helps them. Finding Paige's killer is their job. Quinn: You said we were the good guys. Harrison: We are. Quinn: Really? I mean, is Olivia .... is she one of the good guys? Harrison: No. She's not one of the good guys. She's the best guy. It's not enough to say it. You gotta believe it. Quinn: Gladiators in suits. Harrison: That's what I'm talking about. TV: Congressional conservative leadership is expected sometime ... Cyrus: He wants to see you. Olivia: Tell him to go to hell. Cyrus: I'm just the messenger. Olivia: You tell him that he better hope to God Amanda Tanner doesn't want to come forward with her story, because she just became my client. TV (Sully): I am honored to have served my country. I am honored to have been injured serving my country. And just as importantly, I am honored to be a gay man who served my country.

Quinn Perkins comes to what she believes to be a blind date, only to find that she is now getting offered a job at Pope & Associates, a job that she's dreamed about for a while; Olivia Pope and Stephen work on getting a Russian ambassador's baby back from kidnappers. Just as they are all about to leave, Lieutenant Sully St. James comes in pleading for help as his girlfriend has just been murdered; then Olivia gets a call from Cyrus because a woman named Amanda Tanner has been saying that she has been sleeping with the president and requests her help. After Olivia talks to, and indirectly threatens, Amanda, Quinn questions if she wants the job. Olivia goes to David Rosen asking for 36 hours so they can clear Sully's name; As the clock ticks down, Abby and Stephen look for concrete evidence for Sully's alibi, eventually finding a security camera that reveals Sully kissing another man. Sully refuses to admit that he is gay, as he is both a military officer and a conservative; Quinn convinces Olivia that Amanda isn't lying as the president called her 'Sweet Baby', a name that rings a bell to Olivia. She goes to the Oval Office and admits to Fitz that she knows he slept with Amanda. He kisses her, revealing that they have a romantic history. Cyrus hears Olivia yelling at Fitz and comes in to check on them, only to find them kissing. Olivia finds out that Fitz never told Cyrus about their relationship. Olivia leaves and then persuades Sully to admit his homosexuality by telling him he can't change who he is and he shouldn't be ashamed of that, and then accepts Amanda as her new client.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] STEFAN: For over a century, I have lived in secret. Until now. I know the risk. But I have to know her. DAMON: Elena, she's a dead ringer for Katherine. STEFAN: I want you all to myself. KATHERINE: Just as he wants me, but I'm the one. Who gets to make all the rules. GIUSEPPE: Go get the sheriff. We have a vampire. STEFAN: No. Don't take her! GIUSEPPE: You'll be killed along with them. DAMON: Then let me be killed. STEFAN: Damn it. We'll get her back. DAMON: Don't you think that you've done enough? DAMON: Stefan's still drinking human blood. GIRL: Aah! ELENA: Stefan! DAMON: Stefan. STEFAN: Blood brings out what's inside of me. ELENA: I'm not gonna give up on you, Stefan. I believe in you. STEFAN: Stop! Stop! Stop! I'm so sorry. ELENA: It's ok. You're gonna be ok. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Stefan, locked up at the cellar, laid down covered of sweats due to the lack, dreaming. FLASH-BACK, WOODS IN 1864 Men seek vampires, Jonathan Gilbert at the head with his watch. STEFAN: (to Damon)We have to get to the church. They're waiting. Circle around that way. I'll distract them. Go. (to men)Over here! There's another one! Quick! Help me! JONATHAN: Arm yourselves. The barouche remains under the guard of only one man. When, Damon, suddenly, strikes him. Then, he steals the keys of the cage and opens when Stefan joined him. STEFAN: We don't have long. DAMON: Katherine. Katherine. STEFAN: We're gonna get you out of here. Damon, hurry. Hurry. (Damon is made drawn top) DAMON: Aah! STEFAN: No! No. Damon. Oh... MEN: Come on. Let's go. STEFAN: Uhh! (Stefan is also made drawn top) SALVATORE'S HOUSE/WOODS IN 1864 Stefan confuses reality with his memories. DAMON: Stefan. ELENA: Stefan. KATHERINE/ELENA: I love you, Stefan. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Elena looks at Stefan locked up in the cellar. Damon joined her. ELENA: It's so hard to see him locked up like this. DAMON: You're the one who locked him up. ELENA: You helped. DAMON: I couldn't have him running around chewing on people. While the town was looking for vampires, now, could I? ELENA: It had nothing to do with you actually caring about him. DAMON: Your thing, not mine. FLASH-BACK, QUARRY IN 1864 Stefan awakes in start, it is always in life and any more a scar with he does not have received the ball. He sees that he has a special ring with the finger. Emilie comes towards him. EMILIE: Katherine had me make that for you weeks ago. STEFAN: Where am I? EMILIE: The quarry just north of town. My brother and I brought you here last night. We found you dead in the woods. STEFAN: Where's Damon? Am I... Am I a... EMILIE: Not yet. You're in transition. STEFAN: But how? I... EMILIE: You had Katherine's blood in your system when you died. STEFAN: No. I never... EMILIE: She's been compelling you to drink it for weeks, Stefan. STEFAN: And Damon? EMILIE: No compulsion was necessary. He drank from her willingly. Stefan joined Damon close to the river. DAMON: I woke up last night. I didn't know where I was. I went to the church. And I watched them drag her inside. Then they set fire to it. And the whole church went up into flames. They killed her, Stefan. She's gone. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Damon looks at the object which Pearl gave him, Elena enters the living room. ELENA: Did you ever figure out what that is? DAMON: Nope. Whatever it is, it doesn't work. ELENA: Pearl didn't say anything else about it? DAMON: She thought she was stealing his vampire compass, but it was a pocket watch. That Johnathan Gilbert was a crazy scientist. Have you spoken to your uncle lately? ELENA: I've been avoiding him, actually. That, and I've been here most nights. DAMON: So, you'll be here again tonight? ELENA: Is that a problem? DAMON: Yes. You're a complete nuisance. ELENA: Heh. See you later. HIGH SCHOOL Jeremy goes to go in class, Anna joined him. ANNA: Hey. Surprise. JEREMY: What are you doing here? ANNA: Picking up this. JEREMY: A class schedule? ANNA: Starting tomorrow, I'm officially a student here. JEREMY: You're kidding me, right? ANNA: No. I finally beat my mom down. JEREMY: Heh. But why would you want to go to high school? It blows. ANNA: Do I really need to answer that? JEREMY: You'd suffer through all this just to hang out with me? ANNA: Yeah. I would. JEREMY: That's, um... ANNA: Stupid? Pathetic? Old lurky me? JEREMY: It's awesome. It's awesome. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Damon looks at Stefan locked up and a bottle of blood shows him. DAMON: Brought you something to eat...100% Stefan diet approved. You know what will happen if you don't eat. You'll get all rotting and crusty. STEFAN: I'm not hungry. DAMON: Of course you are. We're eternally hungry. Take it. The human blood should be gone by now. You want to explain why you're still in here. Feeling sorry for yourself? Come on. Drink up. Fine. Starve. What do I care? Damon turns over in the living room and somebody calls him. DAMON(at phone): Hello? ALARIC(at phone): Hey, it's Alaric Saltzman. DAMON(at phone): Before I hang up, how did you get this number? ALARIC(at phone): Ah, it's a mystery. Listen, I've, uh, been doing some digging on Elena's uncle. You interested? DAMON(at phone): What kind of digging? ALARIC(at phone): I've got an old friend from Duke. Who studied criminology when we were there together. Let's just say he's become a very proficient digger. DAMON(at phone): Well, did he find anything, by chance? ALARIC(at phone): Well, I had him run a track on John's cell records. He was getting a call from a number... The same number that Elena dialed to get Isobel. And then the number was disconnected. Isobel knows John. DAMON(at phone): Whatever. We knew that. ALARIC(at phone): Right. Well, after that, he started getting calls from a new number. And I had my friend run a geotrack. Got the address. It's...It's an apartment in Grove Hill. DAMON(at phone): Isobel's in Grove Hill? ALARIC(at phone): I don't know. I thought we could take a look and see what we find. DAMON(at phone): Perfect. Give me the address. ALARIC(at phone): Oh, so you can go without me? No. I don't think so. DAOMN(at phone): I'm not going with you. You tried to kill me. ALARIC(at phone): Yeah, well, you did kill me. DAMON(at phone): Hold on. (Damon receive an other call) DAMON(at phone): What? ELENA(at phone): I'm just grabbing some clothes, and then I'll be right over. How's Stefan? DAMON(at phone): Extra broody. Hold on. (to Alaric)You drive. Pick me up in an hour. ALARIC(at phone): Done. DAMON(at phone): He won't eat anything. ELENA(at phone): He has to ea what's his favorite... Kind of, um... DAMON(at phone): His favorite kind of what? ELENA(at phone): Type of animal blood that he prefers? DAMON(at phone): Ew. Gross. ELENA(at phone): Heh. Your joking doesn't help. DAMON(at phone): Helps me. Now, hurry up. I can't baby-sit all night. I have things to do. ELENA(at phone): I would say, "drop dead," but... DAMON(at phone): Ha ha. Stefan likes... Puppy blood... Little golden retriever puppies with cute, fluffy ears. That's his favorite. GILBERT'S HOUSE Elena leaves its room, it sees her uncle. He heard her conversation with Damon. JOHN: Sorry. ELENA: Uncle John. I didn't see you there. JOHN: I thought we could talk. We haven't had a chance to catch up. ELENA: I'm actually just heading out, so... JOHN: Well, it won't take long. ELENA: What did you want to talk about? JOHN: Well...I know you know. ELENA: Know what? JOHN: It's really silly to keep pretending. What do you think your mother would say. If she knew you were dating a vampire? ELENA: Which mother? SALVATORE'S HOUSE Stefan, sitting, meditates vis-a-vis its bottle. FLASH-BACK, QUARRY Damon sat at the edge of water whereas Stefan brings back a water bucket. STEFAN: I bet Johnathan Gilbert has told father by now. Wonder how he took the news that we're dead. DAMON: As if he cares. He betrayed us. STEFAN: He thought he was protecting us, Damon. He thought he was protecting this town. DAMON: God. This sun hurts my eyes. STEFAN: It's part of it. The muscle aches, the sick feeling...Emily says it's our bods pushing us to feed, to complete the transition. DAMON: That's not gonna happen. STEFAN: Is that your choice, then? To die instead? DAMON: Isn't it yours? This was all to be with Katherine. But she's gone. I want it over. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Elena is coming to see Stefan. ELENA: How you feelin'? Damon says you need to drink that. You need it, Stefan. Can't survive without it. STEFAN: I don't want to survive. ELENA: What? No, don't say that. STEFAN: I'm sorry, Elena. No more. After what I've done, it has to end. I just want it over. Elena joins Damon in the living-room. DAMON: He's just being dramatic. He's not gonna starve himself. ELENA: Why would he say that? DAMON: He feels bad about hurting that girl. It's a very typical step of martyr stuff. It will pass. ELENA: Will it? Because he seemed to be in lot of pain. DAMON: Yeah. Well, that will pass, too, once he eats. ELENA: I didn't mean physical pain. DAMON: I know what you meant. Look, are you gonna be ok here if run out? I have to go to an errand with the teacher. ELENA: The teacher? Alaric? Are you two friends now? DAMON: I don't have any friends, Elena. ELENA: Right. DAMON: You should, um, you should stay up here. You shouldn't be down there by yourself. ELENA: I'll be fine. DAMON: You know... You're very trusting of him, given the circumstances. ELENA: So are you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be leaving. DAMON: I won't be long. MYSTIC GRILL Pearl joins John in the table. PEARL: Hello, Mr. Gilbert. JOHN: Pearl. What a pleasure. I must admit, I'm surprised that you came. PEARL: Jenna tells me that you wanted to discuss the sale of the building in person. JOHN: Still, revealing yourself to me like this, it took quite a risk. PEARL: I'm not stupid, Mr. Gilbert. You knew who I was when you requested the meeting. So, Damon tells me that you're looking for the device I took from Johnathan. I'm sure you realize I have no intention of giving it to you. JOHN: That's why I wanted to meet you. I'm planning on changing your mind. PEARL: Really? How so? JOHN: With my Gilbert charm. I know that you have a weakness for it. May I buy you a drink? GILBERT'S HOUSE Jeremy and Anna talk in his bedroom. JEREMY: So, your mother was in love with Johnathan Gilbert, and he betrayed her? ANNA: Yup. JEREMY: And now my uncle John wants this invention-device thing that she gave to Damon. ANNA: That's pretty much it. JEREMY: John mentioned there were more Gilbert journals. I bet that's how he knows everything. ANNA: Do we have to talk about ts all night? I've told you everything. I probably shouldn't have, 'cause that could get us both in a lot of trouble. JEREMY: I'm not gonna say anything. ANNA: Your uncle John wants us dead. JEREMY: Oh, you don't know that. ANNA: Yes, I do. He's a hater, Jeremy. JEREMY: Well, I'm not. ANNA: No. You're something else entirely. JEREMY: Oh, yeah? What would that be? ANNA: My weakness. JEREMY: I don't want Jenna to walk in on us. ANNA: Jenna's in the kitchen. She just opened the refrigerator. JEREMY: Wait. You can hear that? That is so cool. HOUSE IN GROVE HILL Damon and Alaric are inside of the house. ALARIC: This is the one here. The records show is was paid 3 months in advance. DAMON: This is where it gets tricky. I may or may not be able to get in. ALARIC: Yeah, how does that work? You always have to be invited in? DAMON: By the owner or the person of entitlement. Short-term rentals and hotels are a bit of a gray area. You kind of gotta play it by ear. ALARIC: Heh. Could we not kill anyone tonight, please? DAMON: You mean, you just brought me along for my company? ALARIC: It doesn't look like anyone's home. Yeah. I'm good. No permanent resident, apparently. DAMON: Uh, Rick, we have company. (A man jumps on Alaric. Damon tries to retain him) DAMON: Boys, boys, that's enough. I know you. HENRY: Damon? DAMON: Your name is Henry. You were in the tomb. HENRY: Yes, sir. What are you doing here? FLASH-BACK, SALVATORE'S HOUSE IN 1864 Jonathan and Giuseppe talk to the situation. GIUSEPPE: May I offer you a drink, Mr. Gilbert? JONATHAN: Thank you, Mr. Salvatore. GIUSEPPE: This won't take much longer. JONATHAN: I want to make sure the founder's archives are accurate. GIUSEPPE: Be sure you document the loss of civilian life in the church. JONATHAN: They were hardly civilians, . Salvatore. GIUSEPPE: As far as anyone needs to know, they were. As the record keeper for the council, what you write will be passed down through generations. Certain details should be kept only between you and me. JONATHAN: For example? GIUSEPPE: My sons. They will be remembered the innocent victims of the battle of willow creek, not for their shame. JONATHAN: Certainly, Mr. Salvatore. SALVATORE HOUSE Elena is inside of the cellar where is Stefan. STEFAN: You know, Damon hasn't fed me vervain in a while. I could be at those bars in flash, and you'd be dead. ELENA: Yeah, you could. But you won't. STEFAN: Please just go away. I don't want you here. (Elena enters in the cellar) STEFAN: What are you doing? Get out of here. ELENA: No. STEFAN: You're taking a stupid risk. I could hurt you. ELENA: Then I'm stupid. You need to drink this. STEFAN: Elena, get out of here, or you'll regret it. ELENA: Drink. STEFAN: I said get out! ELENA: No. HOUSE IN GROVE HILL Damon and Alaric talk with Henry. HENRY: So, how do you know John Gilbert? DAMON: Well, I've known him for years. He's a good friend. How do you know him? HENRY: I met him right after I got out of the tomb. He's been helping me out. ALARIC: Helping you out how? HENRY: Adapting. It's a whole new world... Cars, computers, match.com. There's so much to learn. He helped me get this place. ALARIC: So, do you live here alone or is there someone else here? DAMON: That's my friend's very...Passive-aggressive way of asking, uh, do you know a woman named Isobel? HENRY: Uh, no. No, I don't know an Isobel. I know John. He's my only real friend. He really showed me the ropes... how to use a microwave, separate my whites. ALARIC: What else do you do for him? HENRY: I help keep an eye on things...You know, with the others. DAMON: The others? HENRY: From the tomb. They're still pissed at the founding families for trying to burn them alive. I'm cool, but those tomb boys, they want revenge. ALARIC: What does John want with them? HENRY: He's just keeping an eye on them, you know? Trying to make sure they stay out of trouble. DAMON: Well, that's John. Heh. He's such a do-gooder. (Henry receive an call) HENRY: Heh. That's John now. DAMON: Oh. Hey, let me talk to him. All right. HENRY: Yeah. Are you gonna answer that? DAMON: Am I gonna... answer that? HENRY: What's going on? (Henry wants to run away himself and tries to kill Alaric, but Damon retains him and Alaric kills him) HENRY: Uhh! Uhh! Aah! DAMON: "Let's not not kill anyone tonight." Your words. Just pointing that out. MYSTIC GRILL John returns at the table. JOHN: My apologies. PEARL: No apologies necessary. So, tell me, Mr. Gilbert, why should I let you have the device? JOHN: Because I can help you. I'm connected around here. The town council's eating out of my land. They do whatever I say. And I know that you just want to live your life. Complete with a white picket fence, and I can help you do that. PEARL: But the device doesn't work. Why would you even want it? JOHN: It's a family heirloom. Call me sentimental. PEARL: Johnathan was ahead of his time. JOHN: I read his journals. They're very extensive. He actually wrote about you. You were his one regret. He loved you, and he hated himself for what he did to you. PEARL: You're lying. JOHN: No. On his last days, he wrote how sorry he was. You were the only woman he ever loved. Good God. You vampires... you're so emotional. Johnathan Gilbert hated you. His only regret was that he didn't drive a stake through your heart himself. PEARL: I gave it to Damon. JOHN: What? PEARL: I gave your device to Damon. Why don't you ask him for it yourself? I'm sure he'd be delighted to give it to you. And then, Mr. Gilbert, may you rot in hell. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Elena is in the cellar with Stefan but he doesn't want to talk. ELENA: Talk to me, Stefan. Why are you doing this? STEFAN: I'm making the decision I should have made years ago. ELENA: What are you talking about? STEFAN: You have to feed in order to complete the transition. ELENA: I know that. STEFAN: It was a choice I shouldn't have made. FLASH-BACK, SALVATORE'S HOUSE IN 1864 Stefan enters in the office of his father. GIUSEPPE: Dear God. STEFAN: Even in our death, you only feel shame? GIUSEPPE: You're one of them now. STEFAN: No. Father, I came to say good-bye. GIUSEPPE: I watched you die. STEFAN: You were there when we were shot? GIUSEPPE: I pulled the trigger myself. STEFAN: You killed your own sons? GIUSEPPE: You were both dead to me the moment you sided with the vampires. I only thank God that your mother isn't alive to see the disgrace you've become. STEFAN: I haven't turned yet. I don't want to. I'm going to let myself die, father. Please. GIUSEPPE: Yes, you are. (Giuseppe wants to kill his son by inserting a pile in the heart to him. Stefan defends and sends his father to the other end the part and he receives the pile in full heart) GIUSEPPE: Uhh! STEFAN: Father, I didn't mean to. GIUSEPPE: Get away from me. STEFAN: No, let me help you. Please. (Stefan removes the pile in the heart. He is attracted by blood and tastes some a little. He starts to change) GIUSEPPE: Ohh. Ohh. STEFAN: Uhh. Uhh! Oh, God. What's happening to me? SALVATORE'S HOUSE Stefan decides to talk with Elena. STEFAN: How can you even look at me right now? ELENA: You need to be able talk about these things, Stefan. I need to hear them. Come upstairs. We can talk about it more, and we'll keep talking as long as you need. STEFAN: You're so sure I'm ready. And when you feel the same way... I'll be upstairs. [SCENE_BREAK] HOUSE IN GROVE HILL Damon empties the hematomas. DAMON: Find anything yet? ALARIC: No, I looked everywhere. The place is...The place is clean. DAMON: Well, I found this. Behind the blood in the fridge. ALARIC: Oh, man, this was a real dead-end. DAMON: I wouldn't beat myself up over it, man. What did you think you were gonna find, huh? Isobel with a cigar and slippers? ALARIC: Oh, man. I...I gotta stop this. I can't...I can't keep searching for her. DAMON: Really? After only 2 years? That's actually...Moderately healthy. ALARIC: What are you going on? 146? DAMON: Well, I figure the 200 mark is probably a good stopping point. ALARIC: Ahh. I mean, no answer is enough. I keep thinking I wanna kn why, when, you know, the precise moment. When my wife decided life with me wasn't enough. DAMON: She charmed me, your wife Isobel. She talked a good game, man. She was smart. She had this excitement in her eyes. I probably should have known there was something different about her, some tie to Katherine. There had to be some reason I didn't kill her. ALARIC: That's enough, Damon. I don't wanna hear anymore. I just don't want to waste any more of my life. Searching for answers that I really don't want. I'm through with Isobel. I...I'm done with all of this. Yeah. PEARL'S HOUSE Anna enters and notes that her mother made the luggage. ANNA: Hey. What's the matter? PEARL: I need you to pack your things. We're leaving. ANNA: What? No. PEARL: I was wrong to think that we could make a home here. It's time for us to move on. ANNA: But I don't want to move on. I want to stay. PEARL: We can't stay. There's too many people here who know the truth... Too much history. ANNA: So, what, you're just gonna give up, pack us up, and move us out? PEARL: It's not safe here. You know that. ANNA: Please. PEARL: This is about Jeremy. ANNA: No. It's about me. Finally getting to build a life for myself. Please, mama. PEARL: You gave me my life back. I am just trying to protect yours. I can't force you. It's your decision. SALVATORE'S HOUSE Elena draws in the catch, Damon enters in the living-room. DAMON: Ugh. God. You're still here? ELENA: Were you expecting anything else? DAMON: No. Ahh. ELENA: So, how was the "errand"? DAMON: Futile. Although, I think I witnessed the teacher having an existential crisis. Has Stefan eaten yet? ELENA: I thought you didn't care. DAMON: Chalk it up to morbid curiosity. ELENA: I think he's getting there. But he's got a lot of guilt that he has to deal with. And it doesn't help that you've spent the last 145 years punishing him for Katherine getting caught. DAMON: This is my fault now? ELENA: No, it's no one's fault, Damon. I'm just... saying you're not exactly innocent. You've made it your life's mission to make him miserable. DAMON: Let me ask you a question. In all this important soul-searching and cleansing of the demons of Stefan's past, did you ever manage to get e rest of the story? ELENA: He said there was more. DAMON: Yeah. That's an understatement. ELENA: Damon...Damon. Tell me. FLASH-BACK, QUARRY IN 1864 Stefan comes back with a beautiful girl. DAMON: What are you doing? Who is that? STEFAN: I brought her for you. She's a gift. Have a seat, please. DAMON: What have you done, Stefan? STEFAN: Damon, I've been to see father. He came at me. I didn't know my own strength. There was blood everywhere. He was dying, and the blood was too strong. I needed it. I had to have it. DAMON: You fed. STEFAN: Yes. And it's incredible. My body is exploding with power, Damon. DAMON: No. STEFAN: I can hear things from far away. I can see through the darkness. I can move, like it's magic. And the guilt, the pain...Damon, I can turn it off. Like a switch. Katherine was right. It's a whole another world out there, Damon. DAMON: Katherine is dead, Stefan. There's no world without her. STEFAN: No. You can turn that off, too. You don't have to feel that pain anymore. DAMON: I don't want it. STEFAN: You're weak. You'll be dead soon. You need this. DAMON: No. STEFAN: You'll die. DAMON: No. I can't. STEFAN: Please. I won't let you die. DAMON: No. I can't. STEFAN: Don't fight it. We can do this... together. (Damon drinks blood of the girl) SALVATORE'S HOUSE Damon finishes to tell her. DAMON: From the moment Stefan had his first taste of human blood, he was a different person. I suppose I should thank him. It's been a hell of a ride. Heh. ELENA: Oh, my God. He said he wanted to die. That's why he wot feed. Now I understand why, but... DAMON: His choice. If he's stupid enough to make it, so be it. ELENA: Don't do that. Ok? Don't pretend like you don't care. DAMON: Where are you going? (Elena goes to the cellar, Stefan is not here) GILBERT'S HOUSE Jeremy sleeps in his bed, Anna joins him. JEREMY: Hey. ANNA: It's getting impossible to sneak up on you. JEREMY: Nice try, though. ANNA: Sorry I woke you. JEREMY: That's ok. You only woke me halfway. ANNA: So, listen. I... JEREMY: That feels good. (She kisses him) ANNA: Good-bye. QUARRY Stefan is coming back in the place where they were. FLASH-BACK, QUARRY IN 1864 Stefan and Damon are become two new vampires. STEFAN: How do you feel? DAMON: You were right. It is a whole new world. STEFAN: We can explore it together. DAMON: You got what you wanted...You and me for all eternity. But here it is, brother. I will make it an eternity of misery for you. STEFAN: Damon! Damon goes away, Emilie comes in. EMILIE: You've transitioned. STEFAN: You'd have rather found me dead? EMILIE: Katherine saved my life once. I owed her. That doesn't mean I'd wish her curse on anyone. STEFAN: It feels more like a gift. EMILIE: That will change. STEFAN: Why is that? EMILIE: Because even in death, your heart is pure, Stefan. I sense that about you. That will be your curse. STEFAN: Emily, wait. QUARRY Stefan takes again his spirits when Elena calls him. ELENA: Stefan. Damon told me the rest of the story. I thought I might find you here. STEFAN: I should have died that night, just like I had chosen. I should have let Damon die, too. ELENA: But you didn't. And if you die now, it's not gonna change what happened. STEFAN: Every single person that's been hurt...Every single life that's been lost, it's because of me. ELENA: The night that my parents died...I blew off family night so that I could go off to some party. I ended up getting stranded, and they had to come pick me up. That's why we ended up in the car at Wickery bridge. And that's why they died. Our actions are what set things in motion. But we have to live with that. STEFAN: I made a choice, Elena. And because of that choice, a lot of people were hurt. ELENA: You also made a choice to stop, to reject the person that the blood made you. You made a choice to be good, Stefan. STEFAN: No. Please don't do that. ELENA: That's the person who jumped in the water to save the family whose car had driven off the bridge. STEFAN: Please. Don't make this all ok. ELENA: That's the person who saved my life. STEFAN: You don't understand, Elena. ELENA: Then tell me. STEFAN: It hurts me. It hurts me, knowing what I've done, and that pain...That pain is with me all the time. And every day, I think that if I just...If just give myself over to the blood, I can make that pain stop. It would be that easy, and every day, I fight that. And I am so terrified that one day, I'm not gonna want to fight that anymore, Elena. And the next time I hurt somebody...It could be you. ELENA: There will be no next time. STEFAN: You don't know that. ELENA: Maybe I don't. But what I do know. Is that you can take this, throw it in the quarry, and let the sun rise. Or you could take this ring and put it on and keep fighting. (Elena gives to him his ring and she kisses him) ELENA: It's your choice. STEFAN: Elena. (Stefan puts his ring and kisses Elena) PEARL'S HOUSE Harper prepared the luggage of Pearl. PEARL: Thank you, Harper. HARPER: You're welcome PEARL: Annabelle should be back in a minute. You know, you don't have to come with us if you don't want to. HARPER: This was never my home, miss pearl. I was just a soldier who was left to die. You saved me. I'm coming with you. PEARL: Let me help you with these. (Pearl opens the main door and receives a pile in the heart) SALVATORE'S HOUSE Elena brings back Stefan to the house. ELENA: I'll be upstairs, OK? STEFAN: Ok. ELENA: Good night, Damon. (Elena goes away) STEFAN: Thank you. DAMON: No, Stefan, thank you. You're back on Bambi blood, and I'm the big badass brother again. All is right in the world. STEFAN: I mean it. Thank you. For... helping her take care of me. DAMON: You brood too much. Everything on this planet is not your fault. My actions, what I do, it's not your fault. I own them. They belong to me. You are not allowed to feel my guilt. STEFAN: Do you feel guilt? DAMON: If I wanted to, it's there. Emily waited till after I turned to tell me she'd been successful in protecting Katherine with her spell. She didn't want me to know about the tomb. She thought it would impact my decision. STEFAN: She didn't want either one of us to turn. She said it was a curse. DAMON: Witches...Judgy little things. STEFAN: Why didn't you tell me? DAMON: 'Cause I didn't want you to know. 'Cause I hated you, and I still do. STEFAN: I know. DAMON: But not because you forced me to turn. STEFAN: Then why? DAMON: Because she turned you. It was just supposed to be me, Stefan... Just me. PEARL'S HOUSE Anna enters the house and discovers her mother and Harper with a pile in the heart. ANNA I'm back. Oh! Mom! Mama! Uhh! Please don't leave me again. No. Please wake up. You have to wake up. No. WOODS John calls everyone. JOHN(at phone): Sheriff Forbes, John Gilbert. Sorry to call so late. I have an update about the vampires. MYSTIC GRILL Alaric, sited with the bar, drinks to drown his disappointment. A woman approaches him. ISOBEL: Hello, Rick. ALARIC: Isobel. End of the episode.

As Stefan tries to come to terms with his past, he and Damon reveal pieces of their history to Elena, including the truth about how they were turned into vampires. Stefan recalls that in 1864 when Katherine was taken away they tried to save her but were shot by their father. They both then woke up in transition by a lake with Bonnie's ancestor explaining that Katherine had been compelling Stefan to drink her blood and Damon had been voluntarily drinking her blood. Stefan then went to his home to explain to his father that he wasn't going to complete the transition but his father wouldn't listen. His father tried staking him but accidentally staked himself. Stefan tried to help his father but was overcome by the amount of blood and fed off of him, thereby completing the transition. Damon reveals that Stefan tried to convince him to complete the transition by telling him good he felt and how he could turn off his emotions, and when that failed he compelled a woman to come with him, bit her, and held her bleeding neck near his face until he gave in and fed. Pearl and John Gilbert have an ugly confrontation. Meanwhile, Damon and Alaric attempt to track down a mysterious invention before John can find it. Jeremy and Anna's relationship continues to grow as Anna enrolls at Jeremy's high school just so they could spend time together, and Jeremy attempts to learn as much as possible from her. In the end, John Gilbert kills Pearl by staking her and Anna discovers her body. When Elena releases him, Stefan goes blood crazy and wants to die but Elena manages to talk him out of it. They return to the house and Stefan seems to be cured of the blood-craze, but Damon doesn't seem happy about it.

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Teleplay by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Story by: Brian Buckner & Sebastian Jones [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there. Monica is holding a piece of paper.] Monica: So the wedding caterer sent me this list of twelve appetizers and I have to narrow it down to six. Joey: Food? Uh-huh gimme! (She hands him the paper.) Chandler: So did Monica tell you about this great band called the Swing Kings that we're trying to get to play at the wedding? Phoebe: Since when are you into swing music? Chandler: Oh since forever! I used to go all over town listening to bands! Monica: Chandler. Chandler: Gap commercial. (To Monica) So did you book them? Did you call? Monica: I will. Chandler: Do you want me to call? Monica: No, I'll do it. You just stick to your job. Phoebe: What is your job? Chandler: Staying out of the way. Joey: This is impossible Monica, why don't you just pick all 15? (Hands back the paper.) Monica: There were only twelve. Joey: Oh yeah, I added three. Monica: What are peanut butter fingers?! Joey: Oh yeah... (He mimes sticking his fingers into a jar of peanut butter, scooping some out, and eating it off his fingers.) Opening Credits [Scene: A Street, Chandler and Ross are at a newsstand.] Ross: (noticing a beautiful woman moving in down the street) Well hello! She's cute! Should we uh, go try to talk to her? Chandler: Sure! That's one of the great things about being engaged. I'm not nervous talking to pretty girls anymore. The Woman: Could you guys help me? (Chandler shyly exhales and looks away.) Ross: Uh yeah! Let me, let me get that for you. The Woman: It-it's really heavy. Ross: (exhales) I got it. (He lifts the box and grunts under the strain.) (Calmly) So hi, I'm uh, I'm Ross and this is my friend Chandler. (He shyly waves.) The Woman: I-I am Kristen. Ross: Kristen, hi. Are you uh, new to the area, 'cause if you are...I'd love to show you around sometime. Kristen: I...I uh, actually just moved from four blocks over. Ross: Ah. Kristen: But-but this block is like a whole other world. Ross: Y'know actually it does have a very interesting history. Uh, this street is the first street in the city to have an underground sewer system. (Kristen crinkles her nose at that.) Before that sewage and waste would just flow right down the street. Yeah, sometimes ankle deep! (He stops when he realizes what he's talking about.) Chandler: (To Ross) Smooth. Kristen: (To Chandler) Excuse me? (Chandler does the shy thing again.) Ross: Umm, say you're gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight? Kristen: Oh I'd like that. Ross: Yeah? Kristen: Yeah. Ross: Great! Uh, let me take this up for you. (The box he's holding.) Kristen: After you. Ross: Oh no-no, after you. (She grabs a chair and heads upstairs.) (When she's gone.) Oh my God! (He drops the box and Chandler can't pick it up.) [Scene: A Bridal Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are waiting for Monica who is trying on her wedding dress.] Phoebe: (wearing a veil) Am I crazy or does this totally go?! (Monica enters from the dressing room wearing her gown.) Rachel: Oh my God! You look so beautiful! Phoebe: (To Rachel) Thank you Rachel but, look at Monica! Monica: This is it. Yeah, this is the one. I can't believe I found it! (Another woman walks up.) The Woman: Wow you look so beautiful! If I knew you, I'd cry. Monica: Well I'm Monica Geller, ball like a baby. The Woman: I'm Megan Bailey. Monica: Have you found your dress yet? Megan: Oh no, these dresses are all so amazing but there is no way I could afford one. Monica: No, I can't afford this either. No. I-I-I'm, I'm just here to figure out which one I want then I'm gonna get it at Kleinman's, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale. Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip. Monica: Yeah! So-so when are you getting married? Megan: Oh I'm not, I just like to try these on. Rachel: I do the same thing. Megan: I'm just kidding. I'm getting married July 25th. Rachel: I'm just kidding too. (Laughs) I'm getting married in December. (Turns away not happy with herself.) Megan: (To Monica) So when are you getting married? Monica: Oh May 15th. Megan: Oooh it's getting close! Monica: Yeah! Megan: So uh, who's your photographer? Monica: Jeffery. Megan: We met with him. Did he show you the photos of the nude wedding he did? Monica: The best man? Wow! Megan: I know! I almost called off my wedding. Oh, who's your band?! Monica: Oh, my fiancee wants the Swing Kings. Megan: Oh, you're so lucky. My fiancee wants the heavy metal band Carcass. Phoebe: Ooh, is that spelled with a 'C' or a 'K'? Oh my God! It doesn't matter; they're both great! (Another woman walks past Rachel carrying a wedding dress.) Rachel: Oh y'know what? Y'know what? Now that you know what you want you should go to Kleinman's and get it half off. This place is so overpriced. The Woman: I own this store. Rachel: So, does this (the dress) come in another color or... (The store owner walks away.) [Scene: A Street, Joey is walking by Kristen, who is still moving in.] Joey: (checking her out) Hi! You uh, movin' in or movin' out? Kristen: I'm moving in. Joey: Oh uh, can I give you a hand? Kristen: Oh okay. But y'know what? Be careful. Because a guy who was helping me before had to leave because he hurt his back. Joey: Boyfriend? Kristen: No. Joey: I'm Joey. (They shake hands.) Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Oh wow, what a beautiful name! (Pause) What is it again? Kristen: Kristen. Joey: Got it! (He picks up a lamp.) So... Kristen: So uh, do you live around here? Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Right down there. (Points.) Hey listen; let me give you a little tip. Do not take a nap on this stoop (Points to hers) or you can wake up with your shoes gone. Kristen: I'll remember that. Joey: Okay. Yeah. Listen would you uh, would you like to have dinner with me tonight? Kristen: Oh I, I have plans tonight. Joey: Oh. Kristen: But how about tomorrow? Joey: Sounds great! Okay, alright, well where does this go? (The lamp he's holding.) Kristen: You look strong, why don't I take that and you grab one of the boxes. Joey: Okay. Yeah. (She leaves and he goes to pick up a box marked books, but decides to take the box marked pillows instead.) Yeah, I'll grab this one. (He follows her upstairs.) [Scene: Kleinman's, a horde of women including Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are waiting for the store to open.] A Woman: What is taking so long?! I mean whatever! Rachel: (To Phoebe) So this is Brooklyn. Monica: All right, listen up. There is usually only one dress in each size so when they open those doors, fan out. Now, this is what you're looking for! (Holds up a picture of it.) Memorize it! When you locate the dress, blow on these. All right? (She passes out whistles to them.) Three short blasts. When you hear it, come running. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: Got it. Monica: All right. (A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.) A Woman: Here he comes! Hurry! Rachel: Oh they're pushing! They're pushing!! Monica: (To Rachel) Hey! Don't be a baby! Rachel: Well I... (The door opens allowing the horde to charge in, knocking Rachel out of the way and to the ground.) A Woman: Let's go!! Phoebe: (coming back out) Hey! Rachel! Come on!!!! [Time lapse, inside the store, Monica is frantically looking for her dress.] Monica: No. No. Not it. Not it. Not it. (Checks another rack and another woman tries to reach around her.) (To the woman) Don't crowd me! (Finds it) This is it! This is the dress! Oh my God, it's perfect! (She takes it off of the rack and someone has a hold of it on the other side of the rack and tugs on it.) I'm sorry, this one's taken! (The other woman tugs harder pulling Monica through the rack.) Whoa! Monica: Megan! Megan: Monica! Monica: You came?! Megan: Yeah! Monica: This is my dress! Megan: No! Monica: Yes it is! You saw me wearing it! Megan: And now you'll see me buying it. Monica: What? You freak! You wouldn't even have known about this place if it wasn't for me! Megan: Look, you don't want to fight me. Monica: Maybe I do! I'm pretty feisty! (She blows the signal.) [Cut to Phoebe in another part of the store.] Phoebe: (hearing the signal) I'm coming! I'm coming! (She takes off towards the signal and almost knocks another woman over.) Woman: Hey! (She hears another signal in another direction.) Phoebe: Okay! (Runs that way and hears another whistle blast.) Hey! (Heads the other way and hears another blast.) What do I do?!! (She runs in the second direction and finds that the whistling is coming from inside a rack. She moves the dresses out of the way to find Rachel curled up in a fetal position frantically blowing on the whistle.) What are you doing? (Rachel doesn't stop.) Did you find the dress? (Rachel won't stop so Phoebe pinches her nose shut which causes her to spit the whistle out.) Phoebe: Did you find the dress? Rachel: No! You gotta get me out of here Phoebe! These bargain shoppers are crazy! Phoebe: I-We gotta get Monica. (She starts to leave.) Rachel: No! You gotta hold my hand!! Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She grabs Rachel's hand and drags her towards Monica.) Excuse me! Excuse me! (She's knocking women and veils out of the way as she moves.) (She gets to Monica who has the dress balled up in one hand and is sitting on Megan who is sprawled out on the floor.) Monica: (handing Phoebe the dress) Go! Go! Go! Rachel: (seeing who's trapped) Hey... Monica: NOW!!!!!!!! (Rachel runs off and Monica gets up to follow her.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there.] Chandler: So Ross, how was your date the other night? Did you tell her about the magical ride that starts with the flush of every toilet? Ross: Laugh all you want but uh, she actually left me a message saying she'd like to go out again. Chandler: Huh. Ross: Yeah in fact, I'm gonna go call her right now. And I'll make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says... (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.) Joey: (entering) Hey Chandler! Chandler: Hey! Joey: Listen, sorry I didn't stop by last night but I had a date. Chandler: Uh Joe, when it's one o'clock in the morning and you don't come by? That's okay! Joey: Well check it out, I was with this really hot girl who just moved in right across the street! Chandler: Really? Right across the street? Joey: Yeah! Chandler: When'd you meet her? Joey: Two days ago. Chandler: Excellent! Y'know Ross met somebody too! Joey: Oh yeah? Ross: (returning) Hey. Chandler: Hi! How'd it go? Ross: Oh great! We're going out again Saturday. But I just found she's also seeing some other guy. Chandler: (sarcastically shocked) Really?! Joe? What would you do if you were in Ross's situation? Joey: Well, I sorta am. I mean yeah, I'm dating this girl who's also seeing another guy. But, I don't know, I'm not too worried about it. Ross: Well you shouldn't be. Believe me I wouldn't want to be the guy who's up against you. (Chandler laughs.) I mean that doofus is going to lose! Chandler: So this is nice! I wish I didn't have to go, believe me! But unfortunately I have to. (He gets up and Joey moves over next to Ross.) Oh uh, by the way, what's the name of the girl you're dating? Joey and Ross: Kristen Lang. Chandler: Bye! (Exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, time lapse from the earlier scene.] Ross: Well obviously only one of us can keep dating her. Joey: Obviously! So, how do we decide? Ross: Well now let's-let's look at this objectively, I think I should date her... Joey: (not buying it) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Or, or I'm the one who dates her. Ross: That's interesting, but check this out. I date her... Joey: Yeah-yeah I like that but just to go in another direction... Ross: Okay, okay. This can go on for a while. Joey: Yeah well we should order some food then. Ross: No Joey! Look why don't, why don't we just let her decide? Okay? Hey-hey, we'll each go out with her one more time. And-and we'll see who she likes best. Joey: (smiling) That sounds fair. Ross: Maybe I'll take her to that new French restaurant down the street... Joey: Ah yeah-wait a second now! Look we're gonna have to set a spending limit on the date. I don't have the money to take her to a fancy place like that. Ross: Well sorry, that's what I do on dates. Joey: All right, well I guess I'll just have to do what I do on dates. Ross: So let's decide on the spending limit... Joey: Yeah. Uh, (thinks)...a slice...(Thinks)...six dollars? Ross: I was thinking more like a hundred. Joey: Okay. Can I borrow 94 dollars? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are admiring Monica's wedding dress.] Monica: Oh... Phoebe: I know. Hand me a tissue. (Monica hands her one.) (Rachel goes to the fridge, opens it, and blows on the whistle Monica gave her at the store, which causes Phoebe and Monica to turn around and look at her.) Rachel: You're out of Diet Coke. (The phone rings and Monica answers it as Rachel goes into the bathroom.) Monica: Hello? (Listens) What?! (Listens) You what?! (Listens) Hey you listen here missy! (Listens) Wh-(She is hung up on.) Phoebe: What?! Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress! Phoebe: (gasps) Does that mean Carcass is available? Monica: What am I gonna do?! That is the dress! That is the dress! Wh...Chandler wants the band. What do I do? Phoebe: Well just figure out a way to talk him out of it. Monica: How? (There are three short whistle blasts from the bathroom.) Rachel: You're out of toilet paper! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is getting ready for his date with Kristen.] Joey: (entering) Hey! Ross: Hey! What's up? Joey: I just wanted to come by and y'know, wish you good luck on your date. Ross: Oh thanks! Joey: Yeah. What time are you meeting her? Ross: We have 8:00 reservations at Gramercy Bistro. Joey: Wow, that's in like 20 minutes. You'd better get dressed. Ross: I am dressed. Joey: Oh. Well good! (To himself) For me. (He picks up a jar of lotion.) What is this? Did you give yourself a facial? Ross: I have an oily T-zone! Joey: Okay dude! (Finds a receipt.) Hey you uh, you sent Kristen flowers. Ross: That's right. Joey: You spent a hundred dollars. That's the limit. You're screwed! Ross: Uh actually, I sent the flowers before the actual date. So technically, technically I didn't break any rules. Thanks for stopping by though. Joey: Oh-oh! So that's the way it's gonna be huh? Yeah I can break the rules too y'know! Ross: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Joey: I don't know. Ross: Why am I not surprised? Joey: Y'know what Ross? I'm not gonna let you get away with this! Ross: I don't think you have much choice. Joey: Well we'll see! Ross: Bye-bye! Joey: Yeah bye-bye! (Exits and comes back in still holding the lotion.) Hey! So just a light layer? Ross: Yes. Yes. Just here (Runs his fingers down the bridge of his nose) and there (Runs his fingers across his forehead). [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering without touching anything with his hands. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there.] Chandler: Joey got meat sauce on the banister again! (He goes into the bathroom to wash his hands.) Phoebe: Yeah, swing music is so out. Monica: Phoebe, he's gotta be in the room for that to work. Chandler: (returning) What are you guys talking about? Monica: Well umm, we were just talking about the y'know, the Swing Kings and just wondering whether y'know, they were the right way to go. Rachel: Yeah, I went to a wedding once where they had swing music and uh, two months later the couple got divorced. And now I'm not saying that there's any connection here y'know, but they did tell me that's why they got divorced. Chandler: But I love swing music! Phoebe: Yeah but the Swing Kings? Y'know they suck so much that people actually die at their concerts-They just stop living. Chandler: Look all I know is when Monica and I went to see them, we had fun! And there's another reason too. Rachel: Well, what is the other reason? Chandler: I don't want to say. Rachel: Well you have to because maybe it's stupid. Chandler: Well it's just while Monica and I were dancing to them it was...the first time I knew that...you were the woman I wanted to dance all my dances with. Monica: Oh crap! [Scene: Gramercy Bistro, Ross and Kristen are waiting for their table to be ready. Ross is returning from talking to the Maitre d'.] Ross: So they said our table will be ready in just a few minutes. Kristen: Oh great! Ross: Yeah. Kristen: Is your back feeling better? Ross: Oh yeah it's fine. I guess the more muscles you have the more they can spasm out of control. Joey: (entering) Kristen? Kristen: Joey! Joey: Hi! Kristen: Hi! What are you doing here? Joey: Oh I like this place. And technically, technically I'm not breaking any rules so I... Kristen: Well uh, Ross? This is Joey. Joey? Ross. Joey: Hi! Ross: Hi. (They shake hands.) It's nice to meet you. I used to have a friend named Joey. I don't anymore. Kristen: Our table will be ready in a couple minutes. Ross: Yeah. So... Joey: Sure! I would love to wait with you guys! Thanks! (Sits down.) Ross: So Joey umm, you look familiar. Are uh, are you on TV or something? Kristen: Well Joey doesn't like to talk about it but, he's one of the stars of Days Of Our Lives. Ross: That's right! That's right, don't you play a woman? Joey: A woman in a man's body. Ross: Much better. Joey: So y'know Ross it's funny 'cause, you look familiar to me too. Have you ever been married? Ross: Well yes, yes I have. In fact umm, just the other day Kristen and I were talking about how I've been married and how I have a son. Kristen: Yeah, little Eric. Ross: That's right! Wait no, Ben. Joey: So you've just married the one time then? Ross: Well umm... Kristen: You've been married twice? Ross: Yes. And another time after that. Boy I'm getting hungry! Hey Joey, have you ever been so hungry on a date that when a girl goes to the bathroom you ate some of her food? Kristen: You said the waiter ate my crab cake. Joey: (laughs that one off) Yeah. So uh Ross, well now-why did that first marriage breakup? Was it because the woman was straight or she was a lesbian? Kristen: Do you two know each other? Joey and Ross: No. No. Joey: No. It just seems like Ross is the kind of a guy that would marry a woman on the verge of being a lesbian and then push her over the edge. (Kristen is not enjoying this.) Ross: Wait a minute! Were you on a poster for gonorrhea? Joey: Have you ever slept in the same bed as a monkey?! Ross: Hey you leave Marcel out of this! Joey: Fine! Have you ever got stuck in a pair of your own leather pants?! Ross: Hey-hey have you ever locked yourself in a TV cabinet VD boy?! Joey: Monkey lover! (They both notice that Kristen has left.) Joey: When do you think we lost her? Ross: Probably around gonorrhea. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is entering.] Chandler: Hi, honey! I'm home! Monica: (from the bedroom) Don't come in here! Chandler: Why? Do you have another boyfriend in there or something? Monica: No! We only mess around at his place! Chandler: Y'know it's funny I started it but, now it's scaring me. So could you come out here please? Monica: No, I'm wearing a wedding dress. Chandler: Oh you got a wedding dress? That's great! Monica: Yeah but I'm not keeping it. Chandler: Well then why can't I see it? Monica: Oh. I guess you can. Okay but; I-I have to return it, so you can't like it. Chandler: Okay I promise. I'll-I'll hate it. (She enters.) Wow! You-you look...hideous. Monica: Really? Chandler: Yeah, that's like the most ugliest dress I've ever seen. Wh-why do you have to return it? Monica: Oh because it doesn't...really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings. Chandler: Oh that's great! Great! Thanks! But that dress I mean it's like yuck! It's terrible! It makes me wanna just rip it right off of you! Monica: Okay! But you can't rip it. Well, maybe a little. Chandler: Okay! Ending Credits [Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are watching a basketball game on the couch.] Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Do you wanna look at the song list for the wedding? (They ignore her.) Guys? Chandler: (without turning around) I thought you were gonna be gone all day. Monica: Alright, what's going on? (They all slowly turn around to reveal that they are giving themselves a facial.) Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I should probably leave you girls alone. (She heads for the bedroom.) Ross: Yeah, laugh all you want but in ten minutes we're gonna have younger looking skin! Joey: Yeah! (Monica goes in the bedroom.) Y'know, she could use a little...(Whistles that she needs to do what they're doing.) (Something happens on the game.) Oh nice shot!!! (They all cheer.)

Monica beats another bride-to-be in a fight over a discounted wedding dress; however she is forced to relinquish her prize after the other bride-to-be books Chandler's favorite band on the same day as her wedding as ransom for the dress. Joey and Ross meet a girl ( Gabrielle Union ) then go to drastic measures to win her.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] [Clang] [Hisses] Anne: Aah! Cotton! Mary: What have you done with my son? Countess Marburg: When the comet blazes overhead tomorrow night, little John will be baptized in the river of hell-blood. Mary: We do have a son. And they mean to kill him. But you will be waiting for them. John: And where will you be? Mary: On the bitch's ship, finding her Achilles' heel. Sebastian: I saw you with him last night. Imagine what that would feel like with a fellow adept. Think of your boy. If you ever want to see him again, leave the good doctor to me. Cotton: Will you marry me? Hathorne, listen to me. This is much bigger than our rivalry over Anne Hale. [Screaming] Hathorne: Make sure he's dead by the time you reach Amherst. [Indistinct talking] Countess Marburg: ♪ hush-a-by baby ♪ ♪ in your wee boat ♪ ♪ when the waves rise ♪ ♪ the cradle will float ♪ ♪ when the waves die ♪ ♪ the cradle will fall ♪ ♪ and drown little baby ♪ ♪ cradle and all ♪ Boy: I want to go home. Countess Marburg: Soon, child, all the world shall be your home. Boy: But I want to see my mother. Countess Marburg: You will see her once more tonight. But until then, you must learn what will be expected. There will be a celebration tonight. And you will be the most important guest. And the sky will blaze with the comet. And incantations will be strung together like pearls on a necklace. Now, I do not want you to be afraid. So you must be prepared for how it is done. Boy: Why? Why must I be baptized? Countess Marburg: So that you can be born again. More powerful than before, with me at your side. Boy: I do not want you. I want my mother beside me. Countess Marburg: Oh, I understand. I once had someone that I loved dearly, and I lost him. But he will come again soon. So soon, I can taste it. Boy: [Muffled shout] Countess Marburg: [Sighs] True hearts will always be reunited. One simply has to wait, even if for centuries. Boy: [Muffled shouting] Countess Marburg: [Sighs] Mmm! Boy: [Gasping] [Gasping] ["Cupid Carries a Gun" plays] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ [Birds chirping] Cotton: [Grunts] What are you doing?! Unhand me! I am recalled to Boston, nothing more. [Breathing heavily] [Chains rattling] [Gun cocks] I am not your enemy. I pose you no threat. Do not do this. [Gun cocks] [Gasps] Man: Say your peace, brother. Cotton: Dear lord, forgive me my trespasses. [Breathing heavily] Protect my Anne from the terrors that await her. And forgive them, Lord. They know not what they do. [Gunshot] Man: [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Shouts, grunts] Cotton: [Breathing heavily] Man: You were right. They didn't know what they were doing. John: But I do. [Horse whinnies] Cotton: But how? How did you know where to find me? John: I told you this before. I'm not the man I was... for better and for worse. Cotton: Well, Hathorne appears to want me dead, and what is it you want from me? [Chains rattling] John: An exorcism. Cotton: An exorcism? John: There's a boy. Cotton: A boy? Who? John: Look, all you need to know is that without him, the entire witches' plan falls to nothing, but if we don't get the devil out of him... We're done... all of us. Cotton: And you have this boy? John: No. But I'm working on it. Cotton: You yourself told me that you killed a man just because he knew your name. So, why don't you just... kill the boy? An exorcism is a very dangerous rite to perform, and we might not make it out alive. John: Did you ever believe that saving someone... Was the only thing that mattered? That saving them was... the one and only hope you had? I need you, Cotton. Cotton: If it must be done. There is one thing I need to do first. Mary: You came. John: Not for you. Mary: I know. But at least it means you are here to save our son. John: Are you sure the boy is really yours, let alone mine? Mary: I'm sure. And when you look into his eyes, you will be, too. John: Well, Cotton's on board. So, what's the play? Mary: I've come from the docks. The countess has our son on board. But for all her power and knowledge, she does not know you even exist. To keep living century after century, she carries with her the first body she inhabited. Find it, destroy it, and the bitch can be run through with a dull blade. John: That, I can do. If I still had one. Mary: [Sighs] Whoever gave you these knew what they were doing. It will protect you. John: Yeah, if it doesn't kill me. Mary: The Marburgs are not like the other witches you've killed. You will need every advantage you can have. John: And you? Mary: I must wait until tonight... when they take our son to the woods to baptize him. The ship will be unguarded, but I won't have much time. They will be expecting me to join them, so... I must do something that I've never tried before. A trick I saw Marburg herself do. It will take every ounce of my strength to maintain. John: And if they see through your trick? Mary: They will slaughter him. But I wager that she holds her own life above all other things. It's where she and I differ. [Bell tolling in distance] There is one other thing I wish for, though I know I'll never get it. Your forgiveness. John: We've both done things... no one can forgive. Nor either of us forget. Mary: Once you've got our son, get him someplace safe. If I survive, I'll find you. [Footsteps receding] [Door opens] Mother: Come along, my dear. Daughter: Yes, Mother. Hathorne: Your enemies are not here. Only your friends and your neighbors. True, we feel abandoned. Lord knows where our good Doctor Wainwright has gone. The Reverend Lewis, too, is nowhere to be found. And it appears we have depended on the wrong people to lead us. The Sibleys have led us to the very precipice of apocalypse. In our time of... Countess Marburg: And where is our Mary? You were to keep an eye on her. Sebastian: I know it is your way to find me at fault in every matter, Mother. But perhaps you misjudged her. Or perhaps, her love for her son is simply stronger than yours. Countess Marburg: Far from being her strength, it is her fatal weakness. And I have loved you in ways no woman ever has. Let us not be divided. Not now that we are so close to the goal. Sebastian: Your goal, you mean. I've begun to wonder whether my turn will ever come. Hathorne: Was not the star in the east once a sign of true redemption for all humanity? And perhaps this glorious comet from our lord... Promises hope. Salem... The new Jerusalem. [Inhales deeply] Let us rise, and let us pray. Our Father, which art in heaven... All: Hallowed by thy name. Mary: Thy kingdom come, thou will be done on earth as it is in heaven. All: Give us this day... Countess Marburg: I thought you'd abandoned us and yourself. Mary: As you suggested... like the other Mary, I accept that my son must be sacrificed for a higher end. Countess Marburg: Excellent. You know, I saw her once. Mousy little thing. I don't know why their lord chose her. Mary: Nor why ours picked me. All:... Forever and forever. Amen. Hathorne: And as you go about your day... Peace be with you. Countess Marburg: Their lord may forgive, but I don't. Be on the road with us tonight, or I will delight in destroying what you hold most dear, and then I will find you and keep you alive long enough for you to see me take my first bite... out of your heart. Mary: My heart? You're welcome to it. But I think it might be a little bitter for your taste. Sebastian: Would you like me to describe your lover's final moment? He was like an excited schoolboy until his face sank beneath the hell-blood. Mary: I find jealousy makes a man ugly. Sebastian: Perhaps. But it is the natural tribute men pay to those they desire. Mary: Your tribute means as little to me as your desire. A woman can tell when a man is already dedicated to another. In your unusual case, your mother. Sebastian: Really? Well, you must know I did it for you. Mary: For me? Killed my friend, my ally? Sebastian: He was a deadly distraction as you walk a very narrow path over a most dangerous precipice. Mary: Do not pretend that sending his living soul into the jaws of hell was an act of chivalry. You only care because your mother needs me. Sebastian: No! You will see. Trust me. Mary: Trust you? No, you have already broken promises to me. You as much as said you would help my boy if I let you take Wainwright. Sebastian: Do nothing foolish, and you will be reunited with your boy in good time. [Dog barking in distance] Hathorne: Miss Hale. If I might impose. Anne: You seem incapable of not. Can't it wait? Hathorne: I am afraid it cannot. It concerns Cotton Mather. Anne: I expected to see him in meeting. Where is he? Hathorne: Ah. That is a question beyond human answer. Anne: What are you saying, sir? Hathorne: There is no gentle way to say this. He has been killed. His coach was attacked by Indians. I felt it my duty to inform you and to comfort you. Anne: He was just here. [Sighs] I still see his face before me. Hathorne: But you do understand, these are troubling times and you, all alone. Life must go on. I... I accept that you chose Mather over me, and if he were still alive, I wouldn't dream of pursuing you. But seeing as he is not, I know you will do the wise thing. The very thing I'm sure he would want you to do. Cotton: And what exactly would I want her to do? Anne: [Gasps] Cotton! He said you were dead! Cotton: And who would know that but the person who paid for my execution? Hathorne: Absurd! You have no proof of such a wild accusation! Cotton: Two of your men now lay dead in the woods, and I'm sure when the facts are laid before the elders in Boston, my crime of returning to Salem will pale in comparison to yours in attempting my murder. Would you like to stand beside me and compare stories? Hathorne: [Grunts] Cotton: [Sighs] Shh. Shh, shh, shh. I am alive. But it may not be for long. Tonight, I must fight the greatest battle I have ever known. And there is a chance I will not be on this earth tomorrow. Anne: Well, then you mustn't go. I will not allow it. I cannot lose you, Cotton. You are all I have. Cotton: Which is why we must wed. Now. So, please... My dear Anne... Take your vows with me today under the eyes of God. Hathorne: I'm honored to be here. Salem is mightily enriched by your presence, as I am by your guidance. Now, what was this urgent and confidential information I was told you had? Sebastian: I do believe some things are purely private matters. Mother has convinced me that in times like these, even the most personal of matters must be public. Anne: I, Anne Hale, take thee... Cotton Mather, to be my wedded husband... Till death us do part. Cotton: And I... Cotton Mather... Take thee... Anne Hale... To be my wedded wife... Till death... Do us part. I have written a last will and testament. It states the fact that you are my wife and sole heir. Anne: If you love me, don't go. Cotton: Because I love you, I must. Anne: Please, Cotton, tell me. Where are you going? Cotton: If I told you, it would endanger you, as well. Anne: Cotton! Please come back to me. Cotton: I will certainly try. Mrs. Mather. Anne: [Chuckles] [Cries] [Sighing] [SCENE_BREAK] Mary: Strange... You seem different. I believe much has happened to you since we last met. Anne: I'm married. Mary: Congratulations. Your spell worked. Anne: Perhaps. But it is not, I think, stronger than death. Mary: Little is. Why so philosophical on your wedding day? Anne: I fear Cotton is engaging in something dangerous tonight. Mary: I'm quite certain he is. Anne: Then you know what it is? Mary: All too well, which is why my errand with you now. If you are to ever see your husband again, you must heed me. Anne: Do you ever speak anything but threats? Mary: I promise you, my dear, it is not my threat but the countess' you must fear. Tonight, I will engage her in a kind of battle. Of wills, if nothing else. And after I do, Cotton's battle will be just beginning. Anne: I don't understand. He told me nothing, and you speak in riddles. Mary: Then I shall speak plainly. The countess herself told me that she would kill Cotton before all other puritans. You do not know this witch as I do. You cannot... you must not trust her. Anne: But instead, I should trust you? Mary: I do not ask you to trust me. Trust no one. Only yourself. And your father's voice if you have heard it. And I believe you have. Your father's book of shadows was taken from my library. Did you think I would not know it was you who took it? Anne: I shouldn't have stolen it, but the countess told me that... Mary: You foolish girl! Anne: No, I didn't. I swear I kept it. But I knew you would be angry. Mary: No. No, I am proud. You were always stronger than I cared to see. And now that he has visited you, doubly so. Anne: How did you know? Mary: I sensed it the moment I saw you. He came last night? Anne: I have been telling myself it was not the devil but only a nightmare. Mary: He must appear to each of us. It is the prerequisite for all the power he grants. Anne: [Crying] Mary: I know. I know. His is a rough magic, indeed. But he proves that what does not kill us, makes us stronger. Anne: [Crying continues] Mary: Like it or not, you are in this war. And you are now an even more powerful soldier in it. Anne: I will fight no war for you. Nor for her. Mary: When the time comes, you may not have a choice if you want your Cotton to live. Boy: You're hurting me! Countess Marburg: Just walk. Man: [Speaking native language] [Shouting] [Screaming] [Indistinct shouting] Girl #1: [Whimpering] [Chains rattling] Help us! Please help! Girl #2: Please save us! Please, please help us! [All whimpering] Girl #3: Friend? Mary: Go. Go. Girl #4: Thank you! Mary: Go. Girl #5: [Breathing heavily] Man: [Muffled] Mary! [Breathing heavily] Mary: Oh, Isaac? Isaac: [Muffled shouting] [Keys rattling] Mary: Have you not suffered enough? The innocent soul always at the heart of hell let loose on earth. Isaac: [Muffled shouting] Mary: [Breathing heavily] How could the countess torture you so? Isaac: It was not her alone. Mercy is alive. The poor souls you freed? [Breathing heavily] It was Mercy who lured them. She serves the countess. They share the blood. Mary: Listen to me, Isaac, and this time, do as I tell you. Escape this place. Isaac: Once upon a time, I believed all you said. I was sure no matter what you did, deep down you were still the Mary I knew. I'm sorry if I am no longer so certain. Mary: Please, Isaac, I haven't time to prove my intentions to you. But I beg you, go and don't look back. Isaac: I will not leaving Dollie. She's somewhere on this vessel. [Breathing heavily] She must be. Because no one leaves here alive. [Bird calls in distance] Boy: Where are we going? Countess Marburg: It's time to meet your mother for your baptism. Boy: Will I have to be under the water as before? I don't like water. Countess Marburg: Then you have nothing to fear. For it's not water. Boy: Mother! Mother! Countess Marburg: Shh! So good of you to join us on this holy walk. As you can tell, your son is as overjoyed as I am to see you. Won't you lead the way? Boy: Mother! Mother! Mary: Body without life, eyes without sight, whisper to this flame, your place this night. [Gasps] [Heartbeat] [Gasps] [Heartbeat] [Grunts] [Breathing heavily] [Screams, grunting] [Breathing heavily] [Crickets chirping] [Bird calls in distance] Sebastian: Where did she go? Boy: Mother! Countess Marburg: I see I underestimated you. I'm glad that you learned something from me, but it's all too little, too late, I'm afraid. Mary: It is over. I want my son. Countess Marburg: You would not dare harm my relict. You know what I would do to him and to you. Unh! [Gasps] Do not do anything hasty that you will spend eternity regretting, Mary. For he is already lost. I feel the presence of my love inside him. Mary: Nothing is lost if he yet lives. Fire runs through my veins like blood, and I will burn it before you even have time to blink. Countess Marburg: You began this vital rite, Mary. You alone unleashed a plague to devour hundreds of your kin! Mary: Not kin. Puritan hypocrites who branded my friend, drove away my love, and forced me to give up the only joy I had left! Countess Marburg: We all make sacrifices, Mary, and in these courageous acts, legends are born. Mary: No. I wanted freedom. For all. I may have been willing to sacrifice too many to achieve it, but you just want a world of slaves. Countess Marburg: Do you not yet understand? Men long for the freedom of their chains. To them, slavery is freedom! Mary: You are no better than the ones I sought to destroy. Countess Marburg: You've not lived nearly long enough to judge me or the forces that drive me. Mary: Come, now. Do not pretend that you are after anything other than your own infinite desires. Countess Marburg: Were you there to hear the screams of thousands of children sliced apart by crusaders? Have you smelled the human flesh searing to the red-hot irons of the inquisition? I consecrate this land on behalf of the millions I watched suffer! And their temples destroyed, their people slaughtered! You began this rite to end all of this. How can you turn your back on us now? Mary: I wanted it... passionately. But I hadn't tasted passion until I became a mother. Sebastian: Tread carefully. Boy: [Gasps] Countess Marburg: Now give me what's mine. Mary: Slice as deeply as you must, for it will not be quick enough to stop my hand from igniting your mother's rotting carcass. I am fully prepared to die tonight, and I will drag you with me. Countess Marburg: Step away from her, Sebastian. Mary: Now release my boy. Countess Marburg: You place my relict on the ground carefully. [Horse whinnies] Sebastian: Unh! Countess Marburg: [Screaming] [Horse snorts] Boy: [Grunts] Mary: Go, John! Ride on! Save him! Boy: Who are you? John: I'm John. Your father. [Gasps] Isaac: [Moans] [Breathing heavily] Dollie: Isaac? Isaac: Yes, my love. Yes, it's your Isaac. And I've come to take you away from this place. Shh, shh, shh. We shall still... We shall still see the sun. [Crying] [Sniffling] No, Dollie. [Cries] No, Dollie! You're alive! You're still alive! Dollie! I'm gonna take us to our freedom now, Dollie! You're alive! [Crying] Mary: How long do you intend to sit there and leer at me? Sebastian: Days on end if I were so lucky. But we only have two until the comet passes over. Mary: And when the comet passes without my son, how long do you think your mother will suffer me to live? Sebastian: We have two days to try again, and then she promised me you will be mine. Mary: Well, I'm not hers to give. Besides, what man... what real man... allows his mother to choose his mate? Sebastian: She didn't choose you. I did. Mary: Really? And do you think she spares one thought for your happiness? Sebastian: I see what you're trying to do. Cleave me from my mother. Mary: "Cleave." Such an odd word. You know, it can mean quite opposite things. A man may cleave a log in two or a man may cleave to his wife forever. It's up to you which one it will mean. But you must know you cannot have us both. Sebastian: I myself believe in having cake and eating it. Your man shall fail you as all of them have. My mother always gets what she wants, as shall I. Mary: Hmm, and do you really think you're enough man to have me? Sebastian: You and my mother may not think so, but I will prove you both wrong when the time comes. But first... [door opens] Man: Mrs. Sibley, come with us. Sebastian: It seems you have guests. Mary: What is the meaning of this?! Man: Come on. Mary: Release me! [Breathing heavily] Unhand me! Hathorne: Mary Sibley, you are under arrest. Mary: On what grounds?! I demand you let me... Hathorne: On the crimes of adultery and fornication. Mary: What attestation could you possibly have for such an absurd claim? Hathorne: The accounts of a most trusted pair of eyes. The noble baron Sebastian Marburg. Who will testify that he saw you entertaining Dr. Wainwright in your marital bed. Mary: Get off me! Get off of me! [Grunting] Let me go! Countess Marburg: I knew that man in the forest. I tasted him on Mary's lips. Sebastian: Alden. John Alden. Countess Marburg: I will find a way to get to him, but first, I would know everything about him. Where has he been and with whom? [Knock on door] Hathorne: Mary Sibley is locked away and bound. Countess Marburg: You follow instructions extremely well, Mr. Hathorne. Hathorne: I am your humble servant. Countess Marburg: Humility is such an overrated virtue. And there is no dishonor in being a servant if one serves the right master. Hathorne: Or... Mistress. Countess Marburg: Would you like that, to truly serve a mistress such as I? Hathorne: I can think of no greater pleasure. Countess Marburg: The quality one most seeks in a servant is loyalty. One cannot serve two masters, nor two mistresses. Hathorne: Uh, madame, I... I have been your servant alone since I first saw you outside the jail. Countess Marburg: And the worst kind of servant is one who lies. Hathorne: Oh, madame, I... I swear I... countess Marburg: Oh, do not swear. I shall have to take your tongue. I know that you tried to eliminate your rival, Mather, and that you tried to take little Anne Hale this very day. Hathorne: Oh [Chuckles] a momentary lapse in judgment. Had I known that I would have the opportunity of serving you this very evening, um... [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Oh, don't explain. Show me. Hathorne: [Sighs] [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Better. Hathorne: I ask only to be allowed... To worship at your feet. Countess Marburg: Oh, that's a very good place to start. Hathorne: [Sighs] Countess Marburg: Depending on how well you worship, we will see how far you may ascend. [Crickets chirping] [Door opens] John: Did you come by way of London? Cotton: It is slow journey in the dark. Hardly thought it prudent to attract unwanted attention with a lantern. Why, it's the boy Mary Sibley took in. I see nothing wrong with him, no... No overt signs of possession. John: All I know is what I've been told by someone who has nothing to gain and everything to lose by lying. Cotton: The boy seems fine. John: [Sighs] Cotton: Exorcism is not something to toy with. What if I hurt him? What if he's innocent? John: He is, but what's in him is far from it. Save the boy before we lose him completely. Cotton: Are you sure you want to take this risk? If there is something inside of him, we are much more likely to agitate and enrage it than destroy it. Some things are better left unawakened. Boy: [Distorted voice ] It's too late for that. [Bell tolling] Cotton: My God... [Bones cracking] Boy: Before the dawn comes, we shall play cat's cradle with your entrails.

As the Countess Marburg prepares for the imminent arrival of the "Starry Messenger" and her lover, the Dark Lord, Mary stages a last ditch effort to thwart the eternal Witch's plans, but her failure rest in the hands of John Alden and Cotton who each have something important at stake. After receiving devastating news, Anne Hale finds she is faced with making a time-sensitive decision, to either join Count Marburg or lose Cotton, and it takes knowing words from another interested party to strengthen her resolve. Even so, the young Witch finds herself at a crossroads but continues to give Little John up for Cotton's life. Meanwhile, Cotton Mather faces his imminent demise-the result of Magistrate Hawthorne's jealous treachery-until Alden intervenes. But his rescue could come at a price that he may be unwilling-or even unable-to pay.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x05

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_04x05_0

[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [EXT. LAS VEGAS ROADWAY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT] (LINDA JONES is driving her car. As she drives, she glances left and right as if looking for something. Her car hits something with a thud. She slams on the breaks and slows the car down a little. Rather than stopping to check it out, LINDA continues to drive as she tries to look behind at what she might have hit.) (When she turns back to the road, she finds that she's headed straight for a truck. The trunk honks his horn at her.) (She screams.) WHITE FLASH TO: [EXT. ROADWAY - NIGHT - LATER] (The TRUCK DRIVER talks with the OFFICER.) Truck Driver: You can breathalize me all you want, but the broad came right at me. I swear, it wasn't my fault. Officer: (o.s.) Sir, I understand. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE approach the mangled car.) Catherine: Ooh, that's what happens when 6,000 pounds of thrust meets three feet of hood. Grissom: This was not a fair fight. (They look into the car at the body behind the wheel. CATHERINE looks at the road.) Catherine: Well, now, how did she end up way over here? (She sees the skid marks on the road.) Catherine: There must be 20 feet of rubber burned into this asphalt. She was braking hard. Grissom: She definitely swerved out of her lane. I think I may know why. (GRISSOM finds the paw prints on the road. CATHERINE looks at the paw prints.) Catherine: Oh. What kind of animal are we talking about here? Grissom: A big one. Catherine: The victim could have clipped the animal when it ran in front of her. (They continue to look down the road.) Catherine: Well, it can't have gone far. (They both follow the paw prints to the side of the road. Just at the bottom of the hill, they find the body of a man in a Raccoon suit. GRISSOM stares at the suit.) HARD CUT TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROADSIDE -- DAY] (CATHERINE reaches out and removes the mask from the body. Inside the suit is a man. CATHERINE looks inside the mask.) Catherine: Hmm. Ooh. Not much padding. (GRISSOM looks at the mask.) Grissom: Whoa. This is incredibly detailed. Eyelashes, nostrils ... Catherine: Oh, yeah. That's what you see out of. I once dated the Detroit Lions Mascot. Off-season. Dutch was his name. Grissom: The breadth of your social experience never ceases to impress me. (CATHERINE smiles. GRISSOM takes photos of the body.) (CATHERINE takes something out of the mouth of the mask. It's a piece of blue-colored yarn.) Catherine: Dutch never had furballs, though. (She puts it in a bag.) (DAVID PHILLIPS grabs his clipboard and walks over to the body. He stares down at it.) Grissom: Are you all right, David? David Phillips: It's just ... disturbing. There was a big raccoon who hosted an after-school kids show when I was little. (smiles fondly at the memory) Stripey. Everybody loved him. I loved him. Grissom: "Stripey's" brother suffered blunt force trauma caused by a violent collision with a moving vehicle. (Quick flashback to: [ROAD-NIGHT] The man in the raccoon suit is standing on the road waving a car down. The car heads straight for the man and hits him. He flies to the side of the road on impact. End of flashback. Resume to present.) (DAVID PHILLIPS gets to work.) (Cut to: DAVID pushes the body up the hillside on a gurney toward the coroner's van. Catherine: The eternal question: Why did the man in the raccoon suit cross the road? (GRISSOM glances sideways at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - EVENING] [INT. BIG & BEST WAREHOUSE -- FREEZER -- NIGHT] (There's a man dead on the floor of a freezer. NICK and SARA stand over the body looking down at him.) Nick: Frozen stiff. Sara: Looks like he died trying to get out. Trying to get to the door, maybe. Nick: It got messy. Check out the shotgun spatter. Sara: Single blast. Went in, went out. Ooh. This has got to be the coldest place in Vegas. Nick: Let's go. Vega's got the security guard. Sara: Yeah, he's not going anywhere. (SARA and NICK stand up and leave the freezer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BIG & BEST WAREHOUSE -- NIGHT] (NICK and SARA step outside to join DET. SAM VEGA interviewing the Security Guard PETEY.) Sam Vega: So, Peter, when you checked in at eight ... Security Guard Petey: (protests) Not Peter. Petey. P-E-T-E-Y. Nick: Hey, how you doing? Security Guard Petey: Good. (NICK walks over to the vending machine.) Sam Vega: The shooter may have cleaned out the machines. Security Guard Petey: Those things hold a lot of dough. Sam Vega: Take was maybe, uh, $600. Nick: They shot a guy over a vending machine? Sara: So, uh, Petey, where were you when all this went down? Security Guard Petey: I was in the guard shack. Where else would I be? Sam Vega: You tell us. Sara: If a guy walks into a freezer, shoots a guy and smashes six vending machines, I think I'd hear that. Security Guard Petey: The shack's out there. Nick: You don't make rounds? Security Guard Petey: Look, I'm not supposed to leave the premises, okay? Nick: Okay, but if you were here, you're a suspect. Come on, man. Middle of the shift, you're getting hungry. You figure, hey, I'll deck out and grab a bite to eat. Who's going to know, right? Security Guard Petey: I was gone five minutes, tops. Nick: When? Security Guard Petey: A little after 11:00. Grabbed a burger and came back. Nick: What kind of burger? Security Guard Petey: In 'n' Out -- three blocks from here. Nick: I love In 'n' Out. I always get the In 'n' Out double, animal style. Security Guard Petey: That's what I get. Nick: You grill the onions? Security Guard Petey: Hell, yeah. Nick: Now, that is crazy, Petey, 'cause you know, being an In 'n' Out kind of guy, I know it takes at least five minutes to grill the onions alone. Security Guard Petey: Come on, man. Nick: That time of night, you're lucky if you don't wait 20 minutes just to get to the window. Security Guard Petey: Look, my boss finds out I'm leaving the site every night to get my burger on, I'm toast. Sam Vega: You keep lying to us, you're going to be toast in a jumpsuit. Security Guard Petey: Around 11:00, this cat George -- he usually works days -- drives up and asks me where Al is. Sara: Al Sesto? The guy in the freezer? Security Guard Petey: I told him he was back here. I came back. Everything was quiet. So I ate my dinner in my shack. Sam Vega: Where'd George go? Security Guard Petey: Beats me. His car's still in the parking lot. Sam Vega: You want to show me which one? Security Guard Petey: Sure. (DET. VEGA and SECURITY GUARD PETEY leave. SARA takes a step toward NICK.) Sara: Unless he was slick, the guy that did this definitely left behind a print, and, frankly, nothing about this looks slick. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY TO FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- NIGHT] (DAVID PHILLIPS escorts CATHERINE and GRISSOM to forensic autopsy.) David Phillips: Linda Jones, 35, single. We're trying to track down the next-of-kin. No mystery in cause of death, though. (DAVID opens the door.) Catherine: Your basic massive internal trauma. David Phillips: And then some. (They walk into the room.) Catherine: Anything unusual about our furry friend? David Phillips: We're about to find out. (They walk into forensic autopsy. GRISSOM grabs a pair of gloves and puts them on.) Grissom: Did you know that raccoons have opposable thumbs? Catherine: Well, this one liked to wrap his around a bottle. "30 days: One day at a time." He was a friend of Bill W.'S. (She shows them the 30 days tag.) David Phillips: I'll send the blood work down to tox. (CATHERINE looks at the stitching in the suit.) Catherine: (admiring) Oh, my -- hand stitching. David Phillips: Lining looks like some kind of latex. (DAVID starts to cut through the suit. He hits the bottom and blood spills out onto the table.) Grissom: Whoa. That's a lot of blood for blunt force trauma. Catherine: This isn't a costume. It's a six-foot condom. Explains why there was no blood on the road. Grissom: Yeah, his tailor didn't think of everything. His suit's not bulletproof. (CATHERINE thinks about that one.) Grissom: Shall we? (They all help to flip the Raccoon over. CATHERINE opens the velcro and they find the bullet wound on his back.) Catherine: Through and through. David Phillips: It's a high-velocity round. Gives the bullet a smooth entry in and out. Catherine: So, he was shot and hit by a car. David Phillips: Bad night. Grissom: Even for a raccoon. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BIG & BEST WAREHOUSE -- FREEZER -- NIGHT] (ROBBINS is standing over the body) Robbins: The last time this happened they tried to chop the guy out. 1989-- year The Mirage opened. Nick: How'd it go? Robbins: Lost an arm and a leg. I miss the cold weather. Nick: So, what are we going to use, hot water? Robbins: Boiling works best. Just, uh, spread it around the perimeter. Melt the ice. Coroner's Assistant: Guys, let's do it here. Nick: To preserve the body? Robbins: That's right. Close as you can. (They pour the hot water over the frozen blood.) (Quick CGI POV of the heat working on melting the blood. White flash to end of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Voice: And up. (They lift the body onto the gurney and wrap the blanket around it.) Robbins: All right, guys, let's go. (The CORONERS' ASSISTANTS wheel the body out of the freezer.) (Once they're gone, NICK looks at the blood spatter on the boxes and takes a sample of the pellet.) (He extracts more pellets from the freezer.) (Cut to: SARA dusts for prints on the vending machine glass.) (Cut to: NICK looks at the blood on the ground. He moves over to the side and picks up a piece of something black and puts it in a bindle.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] (CATHERINE enters the lab. WARRICK is looking through a scope.) Catherine: Hi, Warrick. Warrick: Hey. Catherine: Anything on Mr. Raccoon? Warrick: Yeah. I got an AFIS hit. Robert Pitt. Court-ordered to AA after a DUI. (He points to the print out on the counter next to him. CATHERINE picks it up. WARRICK goes back to the scope.) Catherine: Oh, that's where he got the 30-day chip. Maybe he fell off the wagon after he hit 31. Warrick: If I had to walk around dressed like Rocky Raccoon, I'd be drinking, too. I don't get this whole thing. Catherine: Oh, hey, Warrick, it's Vegas. People come here to be animals. Warrick: I hear you. Take a look at this. (He steps aside and lets her look through the scope.) [SCOPE VIEW of the blue fur.] Catherine: Oh, yes, the blue fur ball. Warrick: Yeah, it's synthetic, not natural. (GREG enters the lab.) Greg: Your manimal died sober. No alcohol. Catherine: Really? Greg: All this schmohawk had in his system was trace amounts of ipecac and civet oil, which, if you ask me, is even weirder than the raccoon suit he was wearing. Catherine: Well, ipecac's an emetic. I once gave it to Lindsey when she swallowed mothballs, but civet oil? (CATHERINE shakes her head.) Greg: Yeah. Civet's a wild cat. Its scent has been prized since the pharaohs for being an aphrodisiac. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. ROBERT PITT'S RESIDENCE -- DAY] (The door opens; BRASS walks into the room. CATHERINE and an OFFICER follow.) Brass: Pitt was a computer programmer. No next-of-kin. Catherine: Ooh. (They look around the place.) Catherine: Not an architectural digest reader. (CATHERINE looks in the bedroom.) [BEDROOM] Catherine: If you want to know what the man really is all about, check out his bedroom. (On ROBERT PITT'S bed is a stack of stuffed animals.) Brass: Now, this scares me. Catherine: A man lives alone. Has no relatives. No attachments. So, he forms his own furry little family. (BRASS looks at the calendar on the wall and notes the red circled dates from October 29, 2003 through November 1, 2003 for the "PAF CON" at the "KINGS RIVER HOTEL".) Brass: "PAF con meeting." Catherine: What's PAF con? Brass: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's still going on. (CATHERINE looks at BRASS.) Catherine: Minus one raccoon. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KING'S RIVER HOTEL -- LOBBY] (It's the Plushies & Furries PAF CON going on in the lobby. CATHERINE and GRISSOM walk into the lobby.) Catherine: PAF con? Grissom: The Plushies and Furries convention. And we're looking for a bright blue Plushie ... I think. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE stare at the group of people dressed in costume. GRISSOM look fascinated by the sight; CATHERINE looks perplexed.) Grissom: This is fascinating. A whole tribe of people who prefer to interact as furry animals rather than human beings. Catherine: I think I'm having Hunter Thompson's flashbacks. This is weirding me out. Grissom: It's not that weird. It's instinctual. Many native American tribes wore entire bearskins, including the bead, when they performed their war dances. They thought it made them brave. Catherine: I'm not getting the brave thing. Grissom: Well, think of stuffed animals as a Jungian archetype. What's the one quality they possess that a man like Bob Pitt might want? Catherine: A full head of hair? Grissom: They're lovable. We better divide and mingle. (GRISSOM glances down at the schedule on the board: 9:00 A.M. Breakfast & Orientation 10:30 A.M. LECTURE #1 (Doe Eyes: Innovative Techniques in Looking for Love.) 11:45 A.M. FURRY RAFFLE (MAIN LOBBY) 12:00 P.M. LECTURE #2 (Fur-Ever Young) 1:00 P.M. BANQUET LUNCH (BANQUET HALL) 3:30 P.M. LECTURE #3 (Claws and Effect: A Look at the Legal Issues Regarding Fur in the Workplace.) 4:45 P.M. VINEYARDS & VENDORS 7:30 P.M. BANQUET DINNER (BANQUET HALL) 9:30 P.M. PILE-ON-PARTY (MAIN LOUNGE) (He turns to CATHERINE.) Grissom: I'm going to take in a lecture. (GRISSOM steps away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (RICH leads SARA and NICK back to the BALLISTICS LAB.) Sara: Uh, why did you page us? Rich: Your wood sample from the freezer. Nick: The one we gave Hodges? Rich: Yeah. He bounced it back to me. Sara: I'm lost. Rich: It's from a shotgun stock. Probably a momossberg 500. Sara: Probably our murder weapon. [BALLISTICS LAB - CONTINUOUS] (RICH stops walking and turns around to look at them.) Rich: Well, if you find it, I can match it. Nick: Till we do, anything else? Rich: That's up to Hodges. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (SARA and NICK are in TRACE with HODGES.) [SCOPE VIEW of the "gray stuff"] David David Hodges: The gray stuff -- it's adhesive. (SARA looks up from the scope. Sara: On the gun stock? David David Hodges: (shrugs) Cheap repair. Nick: So, some budget-minded garage gunsmith glues his gun stock together ... Sara: And then kills Al Sesto for $600 in change. Nick: Even Petey can do better than that. Sara: There's always the elusive "George." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT -- DAY] (A tall, husky man walks into the police department. He looks around, then heads for the reception desk.) Officer: Can I help you, sir? George Bartell: Yeah, I want to report a crime. (He holds out his hands to show the OFFICER behind reception the backs of his blood-stained hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - WAITING ROOM -- DAY] (SAM VEGA, SARA and NICK interview GEORGE.) Sam Vega: Let's start with what you were doing at Big & Best Warehouse, George. You're the day guy. It was the night shift there. George Bartell: Expired ice cream. Trash for cash. Sara: You're selling expired ice cream? George Bartell: It's still good. Sara: Oh. Nick: Go on, please. George Bartell: I wanted to give Al his piece of the action, 88 bucks. We, uh, walked into the break room, and someone was smashing up the candy machine. (Quick flashback to: Someone in a ski mask with a gun smashing the vending machines. He looks up and sees GEORGE. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sam Vega: Ski mask? George Bartell: Yeah. And he had a gun. (Quick flashback to: The man with the gun leads AL SESTO and GEORGE into the freezer.) Al Sesto: Better chill, bro. Gunman: Okay. Get back. Al Sesto: Don't shoot! Gunman: Shut up! (The GUNMAN cocks the rifle.) Al Sesto: Don't shoot. (The gunman fires.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) George Bartell: He shot Al. Then the guy hauls off and brains me. And after that, everything went black. (SARA checks the back of GEORGE'S head and finds the bruise.) Nick: Everything went black? Sara: That's a pretty nasty bruise. George Bartell: Yeah, I told you. Sam Vega: So, you blacked out. Then what happened? George Bartell: I was blindfolded, shoved into the trunk of some car and, uh, drove around for almost an hour. (GEORGE proudly shows them his watch.) George Bartell: It, uh, glows in the dark. Nick: Oh, yeah. Sara: (nods) Hmm. Nick: So, uh, now, how did you get out? George Bartell: Tire iron. I felt around in the dark, and, uh, there it was. Nick: Where? (As they talk, SARA puts on her gloves.) George Bartell: Under the, uh, the trunk liner. I had to really twist to get at it. Sara: Which hand did you use? George Bartell: Right. Sam Vega: And then what? George Bartell: I popped the trunk. (Quick flashback of GEORGE using the tire iron and popping the trunk. He falls out of the trunk. End of flashback. Resume to present.) George Bartell: I-I was in Pahrump. I got family out there, but nobody was home. Sara: All right, MacGyver, could you do me a favor? Could you stand up and hold your arms out? I'm just going to check you out here. (SARA checks his clothes and takes a tape lift sample. As she presses the tape into GEORGE'S chest, he chuckles. SARA looks up at GEORGE.) George Bartell: I'm ticklish. Sara: Oh. (SARA checks the rest of his shirt and his pants. She finds dried blood in the cuff of his pants.) Sara: George ... I'm afraid you and your pants are going to be here for a while. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KING'S RIVER HOTEL - LECTURE ROOM] (The SPEAKER, dressed in a costume, gives a lecture to a room full of people.) Speaker: In the eight ages of man, Erikson states that the child often indulges in fantasies of being a tiger, but in his dream, runs in terror for dear life, thus leaving the child forever divided in himself, as his true potential is squashed by the observing superego of society. (In his seat, GRISSOM listens, captivated by the topic.) Speaker: Birth is-is not destiny. And a human form doesn't always come with a human spirit. We gather here to embrace our inner animal, and to bring our true nature to bear. So to speak. Five-minute break. (The stage lights turn of and there's a light smattering of applause in the room. GRISSOM turns to the animal next to him as asks.) Grissom: Excuse me. Do you recognize this man, Robert Pitt? (GRISSOM shows him the photo of ROBERT PITT. The animal shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [LOBBY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE walks up to a group of normally dressed people holding stuffed animals.) Catherine: Hello, guys. Pardon me. Uh, can you help me out here? Do you recognize this guy? (The MAN shakes his head.) Catherine: Look-look again. The Man: (shakes head again) Uh-uh. Catherine: Hmm. Nice dog. (The MAN possessively yanks the stuffed dog away from CATHERINE not wanting her to touch it. CATHERINE walks away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [LOBBY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM is looking at the different wares at the vendor tables. On the table in front of him, GRISSOM looks through some photographs of the animals at the PAF-CON.) Voice: (over speaker) (b.g.) May I have your attention, please? Stop by the fur-bidden treasures in the next half-hour and get an added twenty percent off on all collars ... (He picks up a photo of Rocky Raccoon with another animal. GRISSOM pays for the photo.) Grissom: (to the vendor) There you go. (He takes his photo. Behind him, he hears a cat purr. GRISSOM turns to look and finds himself looking at a person in a blue cat costume.) [SCENE_BREAK] [FASHION SHOW - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (The WOLF in sunglasses on stage does the cat walk. CATHERINE watches from the side. In the back of the stage, a person in blue cat costume dances forward across the stage.) (CATHERINE walks up to the stage.) Catherine: I'm Catherine Willows. I'm with the crime lab. (CATHERINE holds up her I.D. The cat hisses, then turns around and walks to the back of the stage leaving CATHERINE standing there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [LOBBY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM walks back to the center of the lobby with two blue cats following him. CATHERINE escorts the blue cat toward GRISSOM.) Grissom: I guess we're lucky that blue's not a more popular color. Sexy (Bud Simmons): Hello. This is racial profiling. Catherine: Um, we're going to need samples of your fur. Grissom: We're also going to need to talk to you without the masks on. (The two blue Cats who walked in with GRISSOM remove their masks. They turn to look at the blue cat with CATHERINE and she shakes her head.) Sexy (Bud Simmons): Uh-uh. Catherine: You have a problem with that? Sexy (Bud Simmons): You wouldn't ask a human lady to take her makeup off. If you want to talk to me, this is the me you're going to talk to. (CATHERINE and GRISSOM look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY / INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (BRASS opens the door and escorts SEXY down the hallway. OFFICERS turn to watch BRASS with the BLUE CAT.) (They turn into the interview room where GRISSOM and CATHERINE wait for them.) Brass: Take this chair right here. (SEXY takes a seat at the table. They close the door behind them.) Brass: Do you a have a name, miss, uh ... ? Sexy (Bud Simmons): My friends call me Sexy. Brass: Oh, lucky you. Now, do you want some help with the ... your helmet? Sexy (Bud Simmons): I'm a lawyer. I know my rights. You can't sequester a domestic animal without due cause. Brass: Well, it's coming off one way or the other, so ... Sexy (Bud Simmons): Fine, fine. (SEXY takes off his gloves and then removes his head.) Catherine: Hello, Sexy. Bud Simmons : Okay. Happy now? Grissom: Thrilled. Let's start at the top. Brass: What's your human name, sir? Bud Simmons: Bud. Bud Simmons. But I'm no criminal, and I don't have to talk to you people. (GRISSOM leans in close and sniff's BUD'S costume.) Grissom: You have a very musky odor, bud. Quite stimulating, I imagine. Look, we found blue fibers similar to the ones on your costume in the stomach of a dead man. Bob Pitt? Bud Simmons: Huh? Grissom: You may know him as Rocky Raccoon? Bud Simmons: You think my costume killed rocky? Grissom: We think it may have incapacitated him. Bud Simmons: Rocky was... skritching me. Catherine: That's one I haven't heard. Bud Simmons: Skritching is like grooming. It's friendly scratching. People who don't know each other can't just nuzzle and trade tummy-rubs, but for animals, skritching is perfectly normal. Catherine: Well, killing is perfectly normal for them, too. It doesn't make it legal for you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM examine BUD SIMMONS' blue Cat Costume.) Grissom: Well, clearly, this kitty costume is where bud felt safe enough to skritch. I wonder if he felt safe enough to explore some of the more aggressive aspects of his animus. Catherine: So, if we follow the ipecac and civet oil, maybe it'll lead us to the shooter. I don't see a compartment for a concealed rifle. (They put on their goggles as CATHERINE ALS' the costume. They find body fluids.) Catherine: Okay, well ... I've heard of some guys getting off in some weird ways, but humping an animal suit? Well, whatever happened to normal s*x? Grissom: What is normal s*x? Catherine: Uh, you think it's natural for a grown human to only be intimate with a talking animal? Grissom: Well, Freud said that the only unnatural sexual behavior was to have none at all. And after that, it's just a question of opportunity and preference. And evidently, many prefer the feel of fur to the texture of human skin. Catherine: Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel. (GREG walks into the lab.) Grissom: Bud is starting to look like a pretty bad cat. Trace from his costume. (GRISSOM looks at the print results.) Grissom: Well, identical to the trace we found in Rocky Raccoon's vomit. Ipecac and civet oil. Greg: Well, that's what you get for eating ... (Camera holds on GREG.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (NICK and SARA check out GEORGE'S pants.) Nick: What kind of a knucklehead rolls into pd wearing pants with blood on them? Sara: The kind that knows eventually, re going to want to talk to him. Nick: Yeah. Preemptive strike, huh? Sara: There's only one drop here, and it originated on the inside of the cuff. I don't think George knew he had blood on him. We need to get this to Greg. Nick: I was in that freezer. Man, there was spatter everywhere. Now, assuming that is al's blood, how does George not get it on the outside of his pants? Do you think George is telling the truth? (SARA turns and looks at NICK. Experiment time.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB] Sara: Room temperature: 72 degrees. (NICK takes a syringe and fills it with blood.) Nick: Okay ... ...fire in the hole. (He squirts the syringe at the wall through a hole.) Sara: That's what blood spatter looks like at room temperature. Nick: Now for the good stuff. Changing one variable. Dropping temperature to 22 degrees. (NICK changes the temperature of the test tank, then re-squirts the syringe with blood at the wall. The blood freezes before it hits the wall, spattering all over the place.) Sara: That explains how only one drop of blood got on the inside of George's pants. (Quick CGI POV of: Al gets shot in the freezer and the blood freezes, spattering all over the place. A single drop of blood spatter falls into GEORGE'S pants cuff.) (End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Sara: When he left the freezer, the drop melted. Nick: Shooter was standing in front of Al. A spatter went back and to the sides. Sara: George is not the shooter. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - TRACE LAB -- DAY] (SARA and NICK walk through the hallway discussing the case as they head to the Trace lab.) Sara: So, who is the masked man? Nick: Well, Lone Ranger had Tonto. Some Doofus has George. David Hodges: Tape lifts from your suspect's clothing, loaded with paint chips. Sara: What kind? David Hodges: Dual layers. The bottom one's burgundy vehicle paint. [SCOPE VIEW OF THE PAINT CHIPS] David Hodges: Factory pigment used on 1984 Monte Carlo. Nick: What's the top layer? David Hodges: In an unprecedented move, whoever it was painted over the burgundy with ... want to venture a guess? (NICK shakes his head.) David Hodges: Bright blue house paint. Nick: Doofus. Sara: Why would somebody use house paint on a car? David Hodges: Maybe he remodeled the breakfast nook and had some left over. Who knows? I don't try to figure out what people do anymore. Sara: That's smart. David Hodges: Yeah, I know. (HODGES steps away from them.) Nick: Oil and water. Love to be there when his hood starts to peel. Sara: Okay, first things first. Let's go find a car. Nick: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (CATHEIRNE and BRASS reinterview BUD SIMMONS.) Brass: Okay, bud, I'm going to get right to it. Bob Pitt's semen was found all over your kitty costume. Catherine: You lied to us. You were doing a little more than grooming. Bud Simmons: It started as a skritch, then everyone got in a furpile and pretty soon, we were all yiffing. (Quick flashback to: The Furpile, whipping sounds and animal whimperings in the background. You want more description, go watch the episode. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: I get "furpile." Define "yiffing." Bud Simmons: In a furpile, when all the animals start rubbing and wiggling, some of them start to do things. (Quick flashback to: The furpile and obscene animal groaning noises. You want more description, then you really need to watch the episode. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: The kind of things that leave semen on your fur? Bud Simmons: That never happened before. (CATHERINE chuckles wryly.) Bud Simmons: Okay. That happened before. I know what you're thinking. Catherine: You couldn't possibly. Bud Simmons: I didn't kill Rocky Raccoon. Catherine: Did you smear ipecac and civet oil on the back of your costume? Bud Simmons: That's crazy. I was there for the yiffing, and that's all. Look, if I don't have my costume on, I pretty much can't get yiffed. Brass: Okay, Bud. We're going to leave you some time to think about it. Enjoy your new costume. (BRASS and CATHERINE stand up to leave the room.) (BRASS sighs as he walks out the door.) Brass: (quietly) Wow. (He and CATHERINE stop outside the interview room.) Brass: Are you buying this guy? Catherine: Oh, who the hell knows what goes on in a furpile? But if somebody doused their special scent on kitty's back, I'm sure he's going to want to know who did it. Brass: Well, he gives us all the furnames of people in the pile. What are we going to do -- put out an APB on Tom and Jerry? Catherine: (scoffs) Maybe we just ask him where the hip, young plushy-on-the-go likes to hang out? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PLUSHIE BAR -- DAY] (The white plushie walks out of the bar and through the back door and into the next room with loud pulsating music.) (CATHERINE, GRISSOM and an OFFICER walk through the back door.) (CATHERINE knocks. The WOLF at the door answers.) Wolf: Password, please? Catherine: E-I-E-I-O? Wolf: This is a private party. Grissom: Uh, we have an invitation from the Las Vegas police department. (GRISSOM shows the WOLF their warrant.) Wolf: Uh, okay. (The WOLF glances at the warrant and lets them inside.) (They walk into the room where the plushies and furries are furpiling on the white cat who's on the floor groaning and moaning. Some other fur animals are standing on the side shedding their fur.) Catherine: (loudly) Whoa, Nellie! PLUSHIE: Is this a raid? Catherine: It's a homicide investigation. Grissom: Look, we need you to stop skritching or yiffing or whatever, take off your costumes, and tell us your names. (Some of the people take off their masks. Soon, the music stops.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE go through the different animal costumes hanging on racks, smelling them one by one.) Catherine: Ooh! These costumes are pretty marinated. Smokey could've used some deodorant. Grissom: Well, you know, pheromones are the basis for mammalian reproduction. When the female is in estrus, the male picks up on her come-get-me scent. But most mammals only copulate seasonally. Catherine: How boring. Grissom: For some. No one else in that furpile threw up, right? Catherine: Uh, Rocky was a target. (GRISSOM smells a costume and finds it. He holds out the costume paw for CATHERINE.) Grissom: Smell this. (CATHERINE smells the paw.) Catherine: Civet oil and ipecac. Grissom: So I guess we're looking for a wolf ... in wolf's clothing. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE EPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM] (GRISSOM interviews MR. LEE.) Grissom: Mr. Lee, the concentration of ipecac and civet oil on your paws speaks to application, rather than accidental transfer. Okay. Fine. I ... I mixed up some ipecac and some civet oil and I-I ... I rubbed it on Sexy ... Sexy kitty. (Quick flashback to: During a fur piling, the wolf puts the smell on Sexy. Sounds of moaning, groaning along with whip noises in the background. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Why sexy kitty? Mr. Lee: 'Cause rocky couldn't get enough of her. Grissom: What did Rocky do to you? Mr. Lee: He's a raccoon. They're all lowlifes. I mean, honestly, what do they do? Screw ... eat garbage ... screw some more. Grissom: Is this a, uh, general observation, or possibly a personal grievance? Mr. Lee: At last year's convention, Rocky stole my girlfriend. Grissom: And in the wild, wolves are monogamous, but raccoons are promiscuous. Mr. Lee: That's right. And I just, I knew, I knew since Sexy Kitty was Rocky's fave, he'd have his filthy raccoon mouth all over her again this year. All I wanted to do was make him sick enough so that he'd have to go home and stop cheating on my mate. Grissom: Your ex-mate? Mr. Lee: Yes. I couldn't take seeing what that wanna-be marsupial put her through. My Linda Lamb deserved better. Grissom: Mr. Lee, you're a wolf. How'd you end up with a lamb? Mr. Lee: I used to work with Linda. And one day, I found out about what she did on the weekends. And she helped me ... become who I am. I always knew that I was a ... something else. And ... Linda made it real. She was one of a kind. Grissom: Does, uh, Linda Lamb have a human last name? Mr. Lee: Jones. Why? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE] (They're back to the car. GRISSOM pries open the trunk. He and CATHERINE see the animal costume in the back.) Grissom: Linda Jones is Linda Lamb. Catherine: Damn it. This was here the whole time. Grissom: Yeah, but evidence without context is not evidence. We had no reason to search the trunk. Catherine: So she didn't just hit rocky, she knew him. Grissom: For the philandering raccoon that he was. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GARAGE] (GRISSOM is at the map looking at the marked CRASH SITE to LINDA and BOB'S homes.) Grissom: Okay, assuming that Linda and Bob were heading home after Bob got sick at the hotel, how did he end up on the side of the road? Catherine: You ever have a car fight? (GRISSOM turns around to look at CATHERINE.) Catherine: You know, if a couple has any kind of history together, they know how to press each other's buttons. And you lock 'em up in a metal box with wheels on a bad night, they're going to start pressing 'em. You follow? (CATHERINE opens the car door.) Grissom: So, uh, either Bob told Linda to stop the car and let him out, or she told him to start walking? Catherine: Yes. That one. I mean, it's bad enough that raccoon-boy blows his girlfriend off to go fur-piling -- he gets sick licking some nasty kitty and makes lambchop drive him home. (CATHERINE starts looking for something in the back car seat.) Grissom: Which begs the question: Why did she turn the car around and head back toward the hotel? Catherine: Well, she wasn't heading back to the hotel. She was heading back for him. 'Cause that's how car-fights always end. After about a mile or two, you start to feel guilty that you've abandoned the person, and you turn around. Except she didn't plan on an 18-wheeler finishing her off. Grissom: Mack truck ex machina. (CATHERINE finds a match book.) Grissom: But it still doesn't explain how bob got shot in the back. Catherine: No ... but I think I may know the last person who saw them alive. Why don't we ask the valet if he saw some ... furriest conventioneers? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY] (NICK finds SARA and they take a lovely walk through the hallway as they talk about the case.) Nick: Hey, Sara, no luck on the car, but Hodges ran the gunstock adhesive. It's primarily an epoxy posisin with traces of styrene and benzyl peroxide and ground terra-cotta. Sara: Is that supposed to mean something to me? Nick: Terra-cotta's the giveaway. It's a granite glue. Sara: Granite glue? Nick: Yeah. It's used for adhering joints on big pieces of stone. Sara: House paint on his car; granite glue on his gun... Nick: Well, he used what was available. That's what people do. Sara: Well, I understand the house paint, but where do you get granite glue? Nick: I already checked. There's not too many places in clark county that specialize in granite installation, so... Sara: Okay, I will bet you a double-double animal style that one of them employs a guy with a blue 1984 monte carlo. Nick: That's a bet. Sara: Excellent. (NICK laughs, then follows SARA off camera frame.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. HOTEL FRONT -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE talk with the VALET. The VALET looks at the photo.) Valet: Damn straight I remember them. How often do you see a six-foot raccoon heaving out a car window? Dude was hammered, man. His girl... she was pissed. Grissom: Thank you. You've been very helpful. Valet: All right, no problem. Hey, I got that. (The VALET returns to work.) Catherine: So, there's your car-fight. Now she thinks that he's back on the booze, which he denies, but the sicker he gets, the more she this he's lying. (Quick flashback to: ROBERT PITT is getting sick. LINDA JONES is just plain angry. The two get into the car.) Linda Jones: I can't believe you're drinking again. You promised. Robert Pitt: I was not drinking. (He closes the car door.) Robert Pitt: Must be food poisoning. Linda Jones: (scoffs) Oh? Didn't know they served food in a furpile. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: The righteously angry versus the wrongly accused. Catherine: And the battle's just beginning. (Quick flashback to: [INT. CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT] They continue to argue. ROBERT PITT continues to get sick.) Linda Jones: Would you just take off the mask and talk to me?! Robert Pitt: No, just pull over and let me out of the car! Linda Jones: You want out? Robert Pitt: Ah ... (She stops the car.) Linda Jones: Get out! Just get out! (ROBERT PITT stumbles out of the car.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Catherine: Okay, so it makes sense up to that point, but then what? He gets out and ... she shoots him? Grissom: I'm not so sure that people who dress up like cuddly forest creatures carry guns. Catherine: You don't think they allow plushies in the NRA? All right, then who shot him? Grissom: Well, we have a grassy knoll ... but no Lee Harvey Oswald. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (SARA, NICK and SAM VEGA interview VIRGIL.) Sam Vega: You're a triple threat -- robbery, kidnapping, murder. Big & best foods, Al Sesto, George Bartell. Any of this resonate? Virgil: I don't know no al sesto. (NICK puts photos of the shotgun on the table in front of VIRGIL.) Sara: Virgil, is that UR shotgun? We found it in your garage. If, uh, you look, you'll see a chip in the stock. We found that in the freezer at the Big & Best foods. (VIRGIL chuckles.) (NICK puts a photo of the car on the table.) Nick: Is this your car? It was also in your garage. It has dual-layered paint, identical to the dual-layered paint chips we found on your kidnap victim. Sam Vega: Anything to say, tough guy? Virgil: Yeah. I want a lawyer. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROADSIDE -- DAY] (Various cuts of CATHERINE and GRISSOM looking for the bullet that killed ROBERT PITT.) (CATHERINE'S metal detector beeps. She kneels down and finds the bullet.) Catherine: Hey, Grissom. Over here. I found the bullet. (GRISSOM walks across the street and kneels down to look at the bullet.) Grissom: Well done. So, we got a sick raccoon with an abdominal through-and-through who was shot from what appears to be a fairly steep trajectory. Catherine: So, either he was shot by a giant ... or he was, uh, on all fours. (Quick flashback to: [SITE VIEW] of Rocky Raccoon on his hands and knees. A gunshot rings out and hits the dirt. End of flashback. Resume to present.) Grissom: Or both. I mean, imagine looked like out here at night and from a distance. (They stand up.) Grissom: We've been looking for ... a person who shot a person, but ... maybe we should be looking for a person who shot an animal. (As they look up the road, they see a red truck drive by.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY -- DAY] (As they walk VIRGIL out into the hallway, GEORGE BARTELL walks into the police department.) George: Hey, Virgil. What are you doing here? Virgil: What am i doing here? George: Yeah. Sam Vega: Why, you guys know each other? George: Yeah, that's my cousin. Sam Vega: Pahrump? Virgil: My own blood, and you set me up. After I saved your ass. I should have shot you in that freezer. You son of a bitch! (He lunges for GEORGE. SAM VEGA holds him back. Sam Vega: Hey, hey! You looking for more time? Now come on. (They leave.) (NICK sighs.) George Bartell: (shakes his head) Oh, man. I'm so stupid. Nick: Ah, you're not stupid. Man, your cousin just set you up. George Bartell: Bowling night. Nick: Is that where you told him about the vending machines? (GEORGE nods.) Sara: And Petey's burger runs? George Bartell: My own cousin. Nick: Well ... George, sometimes people, they, uh, disappoint us. George Bartell: Why? (NICK stares at GEORGE. SARA, at a loss of even trying to answer that question, shakes her head and looks expectantly at NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. -- DAY] (Dogs bark in the distance. GRISSOM and CATHERINE are at the home of the man with the red truck.) Ranger: How you doing? Can I help you? Grissom: We're with the Las Vegas crime lab. This your place? Ranger: Yeah. Must be here about that accident. Terrible thing. Like I said to the wife, the way these 18-wheelers fly down here ballin' the Jack, I ain't surprised. I'm surprised there ain't more accidents. Grissom: Why don't you give us a brief history of your evening? Ranger: Ah, well, I had dinner with the missus. Uh, fed the scraps to the dogs. Watched Jeopardy. Could hardly hear it, the dogs were, uh, so stirred up. Went outside to take a look, spotted a coyote. This is my business. Purebreds. Wouldn't want to lose one. So, I, uh, took care of it. Came back inside in time for Final Jeopardy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - OFFICE -- DAY] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE fill BRASS in.) Brass: So the raccoon was mistaken for a coyote. You gotta be kidding me. Catherine: He was dosed intentionally but killed accidentally. Grissom: We got the Ranger's rifle, we collected a bullet at the scene, and ballistics made a match. Catherine: Bob Pitt was sick when he got out of the car, wounded when he got onto the road, and dead when he hit the dirt. (Quick flashback to: ROBERT PITT gets out of the car and slams the door shut.) Linda Jones: Get out! Just get out! (Cut to: Still in his costume, he throws up on the side of the road.) (High above, the Ranger takes aim and shoots at the "coyote". He fires.) (Cut to: LINDA JONES turns the car around to pick ROBERT PITT up.) (Cut to: ROBERT PITT crawls up onto the road.) (He's in the middle of the road as the car approaches.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Brass: Well, the rancher's going to get off, Linda's dead, and Wolfie ... skates with a misdemeanor. Catherine: We took one look at those furry suits and thought "foul play," but this was really just a domestic dispute gone mad. Grissom: Hmm. Fur and loathing in Las Vegas. (Camera pulls down and refocuses on the raccoon figure on the desk next to the badge.)

After a woman is killed in a head-on collision with a big rig, Catherine and Grissom discover the dead body of a man dressed in a full-size raccoon costume across the road. They uncover that the man is dressed like that because he recently attended a plushies and furries convention leading them to probe further into this subculture to see who may be responsible for the man's murder. Meanwhile, Nick and Sara investigate the murder of a convenience store employee found in the store's industrial freezer shot to death.

fd_London_Spy_01x05

fd_London_Spy_01x05_0

Danny: He was murdered. Scottie: He was murdered, Claire. Journalist (O.C.): Who murdered him? Danny: I don't know. Scottie: British MI6, the Chinese Ministry for State Security, American CIA, Israeli Mossad... We're not up against one intelligence agency, we're up against them all. Danny: That conversation took place in my bedroom. We were face to face! Journalist: Why did they murder him? Marcus: Alex decided to apply his concept to speech. Claire: A lie detector. Danny: He did it for me! Scottie: He knew you'd find out that he had lied about much of his life. He must have worried that you'd end up hating him. He must have worried about that moment every day. I would like to finish this particular adventure with you, Daniel Edward Holt, if you'll have me? ( Phone rings ) Danny: Scottie? Scottie: Danny... there will be a note. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: I have a question. How do we live without the people that we love? Danny (O.C.): I can hear his reply. Danny: "We must figure this question out for ourselves." He's right. He was always right. Except, my friend... I don't want to know. Danny: I don't want to know how to live without you. I don't want to figure out how to stop feeling this sad. ( Inaudible ) Claire: Marcus, this isn't the time... Marcus: Yes, it is, Claire. It's exactly the right time. I have destroyed my copy of Alex's research. You should destroy yours. You asked for my advice. There it is. You can take it, or not. But I won't help you... Claire: That's enough. Marcus: It was... a nice idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Sara: Danny! Come on! Danny: OK. Pavel: Sorry. Goodbye. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Big ben tolls ) ( Seagulls caw ) Detective Taylor: This is where you two met. ( Danny nods ) Detective Taylor: I visited the nurse who took your blood sample. I was curious, because it's not procedure. So, I asked a straightforward question. "Why did you do it?" This man was afraid. Afterwards, I'd barely left the room, my phone rings. It's my superiors, demanding to know why I'm interrogating him. You know what I said? "No reason." It wasn't much. But it's as far as I'm prepared to go. Danny: Why? Detective Taylor: Listen, this is what's going to happen. You'll be the early, innocent suspect and I'll be the simple-minded copper. That's the account that's going to be written. [SCENE_BREAK] Claire: With Scottie, we had a chance. Without him, we haven't. Danny: I don't accept that. We knew him better than anyone. What would he do? Claire: You're confused, Danny... between trying to prove how much you loved him and trying to prove a conspiracy. You're confused, and I wonder if you haven't always been. Danny: What does that mean? Claire: Scottie was... sentimental about you. You're doing this for him. He was doing it for you. Maybe I was doing it for him. But it's not real, Danny. It won't work. Whatever you do, whatever you try, it won't work. He sent me this. There was a letter. It read, "Ambition, but no conviction. Love, Scottie". Walk with me. I'll be here, when you're ready. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Slam ) ( Dogs bark ) ( Clanging ) ( Vehicle approaches outside ) ( Doorbell rings ) ( Doorbell rings insistently ) Danny: How did you find me? Danny's Mother: You gave us this address. Danny: 11 years. Danny's Mother: A long time. Danny: And now? Danny's Mother: Dan, your dad's dying. We weren't much as parents... Danny: You read about me in the paper? Danny's Mother: We read about you. Danny: But that's not why you're here? You need money? Danny's Mother: No. Danny: No? Danny's Mother: No! This was a mistake. Danny: Tell me why. Why now? Why today? Danny's Mother: Weeks - that's all he's got left. Danny: We've said goodbye. Danny's Mother: Want to do a better job of it? There's something we'd like to show you. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: If this is a lie, please stop the car and let me out. Because I've been through too much for this to be another lie. I won't be angry. I know it's not your fault, but just stop the car and let me out. But if you drive me home, after I've given you this chance, I... Mum? ( Laboured breathing, camera turns on ) Danny's Mother: All right if I...? ( Camera beeps ) ( Camera clicks ) Danny: I wish this could be true. Shh. People can change this much, you know? For real, I mean. ( Laboured breathing ) Danny: You're not dying. Not today, not next week. Danny's Mother: They're scary people, Dan. They know everything about us. Everything we've ever done wrong. What did you do? This isn't like pinching stuff from the shops. Danny: Why am I here? Danny's Mother: Why are WE here? Being made to do this? Being threatened? What have you dragged us into? How could you do this to us? To your father? ( Her voice fades to echoes ) Danny: They gave you this, didn't they? They told you to take a photo. Why? ( Camera whirrs, beeps ) Danny: I always wanted to know... wouldn't it have been easier to have loved me? Danny's Mother: I can't say why we never did. Danny: I'm not angry anymore. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Door opens, shuts ) ( Beeping ) ( Computer beeps ) ( Printer whirrs ) [SCENE_BREAK] HIV Group Chair: Have you been to any forums on living with HIV before? Ryan: No. HIV Group Chair: If you take a seat, maybe over there. All right? Hi, guys. I'd like us to welcome Ryan. ( Applause ) HIV Group Chair: A lot of people don't speak until they've been a few times, so you shouldn't feel any pressure. But I wanted to give you the chance. And remember, there's no point talking unless you feel able to tell the truth. Maybe you're not ready? Danny: I'll go. HIV Group Chair: Danny. Danny: My partner, his name was Alex. He died some months ago... [SCENE_BREAK] Danny (O.C.): .. and I've been trying to find out why he was killed... Alex: Are you OK? [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: .. and he was working as a spy for MI6. Although, when we were together... [SCENE_BREAK] Policeman: Get down! ( Sirens blare ) [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: .. An attic in his apartment, and one of the ways they did that was to... inject me with HIV virus. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: You have to believe me! If you don't believe me, I don't have anyone else, Scottie. I don't have anyone else. [SCENE_BREAK] Old Guy: What are you going to do now? Danny: I'm going to do nothing. Woman: (to Ryan) You OK? [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: I wish this could be true. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Knocks at door ) Frances: I rather thought it might be you. Danny: Is it too late to talk? Frances: Too late? Perhaps it is. ( Thud ) Frances: What harm can it do? Charles: What good can it do? Frances: "What good"? What possible good? What good can any of us do? Better leave him be. He's just a boy. ( Charles laughs ) Charles: Just a stupid boy. Frances: I take it you have something you wish to discuss? More than that - you intend to accuse me? Danny: I have a question. Frances: A question. I'll permit a question. But just one. That will be all. We both loved him. Danny: Yes. Frances: Can't we pretend, for a while, that's all we need to say? There was always something of the mystic about you. Fortune teller-soothsayer, a person who knows nothing, yet sees everything. Danny: Alex was the last person to hold your hand. Frances: Question? Danny: Statement. Frances: Yes. Yes, he was. Danny: You blame me for his death. Frances: Question? Danny: Statement. Frances: Yes. Yes, I do. Danny: How can you blame me... unless you know why he was killed? Frances: It is a good question. For all your efforts, all your loss, all your grief and sacrifice... you have nothing. You accept I'm continuing this conversation solely for my own personal reasons? Danny: Which are? Frances: It's very important to me that you understand how much I loved my son. Danny: Show me his room. [SCENE_BREAK] Frances: Alistair spent more time in this room than any other. Danny: How do you know? How? Frances: No! No, no, no! Stop... No! No, no, no, no! ( Frances sobs ) Please... Frances: Because he was my spy. I made him a spy. I told you, my husband was an important man. An important man, with a second-rate mind. We were together at Cambridge. The tutor who recruited him was as blind to my talents... as he was to Charles' flaws. Nonetheless, in the gentlemen's club of MI5, Charles flourished, while I was relegated to... hosting dinners and cocktail parties for his spies. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Gentle conversation ) ( Laughter ) Frances (O.C.): Three moles at the heart of his organization... and Charles didn't see them. Frances: They were men like him - talked like him, dressed like him, f*cked like him. Well, two did, anyway. They were his friends. Agents were lost, operations compromised. When the three finally defected, we were disgraced, removed from the service, exiled from power, left to rot in this place, guarded night and day by agents, for fear that we too might be traitors. I took to drink, for a while. I became promiscuous, for a while. Scandal engulfed me. I couldn't go on behaving that way. You either step into the abyss... or step back from it. You cannot walk along its edge for long. Frances: You know this edge? Don't you? Danny: Yes. Frances: Yes. Alex was your step back? He was mine, too. I decided to have a child. He'd be my future, my saviour, my second chance. I'd make him into the spy I should've been. My spy, made by me... It was a mistake. Danny: Not a lie. Not the truth. Frances: For once, your intuitions let you down. Danny: You decided to have a child? What, f*ck old Charles and see what happens? Not much of a plan, considering how stupid you think he is. But luck was on your side. Your child was a genius. Frances: Be very careful what you say next. Danny: I want to tell you a story... about a man. While other people were laughing and drinking ... this man would just walk. Alex voice: .. Until he reached the exact same spot - where he'd sit, with his back to all those people. Danny: And while he did everything to signal to the world that he wanted to be left alone... Alex voice: More than anything, he hoped that someone passing would understand that what he really wanted was the exact opposite. Alex: And that this someone would sit next to him... Danny: Strike up a conversation. Alex (O.C.): I was that man.' Alex: You were that someone. Danny: Why was he so lonely? Frances: I put too much pressure on him. I made him too important in my life. It was unfair. I see that now. No child can redeem their parents. Danny: Hard to connect to people. Especially when you're not sure how they're connected to you. For an hour or so, I hoped that my real parents were real parents. Frances: Daniel! [SCENE_BREAK] Nanny: I was in a state. I didn't deserve to be his mum. Frances: Surely you can't be so conventional as to think there's only one way to bring up a child? We are both his mother. Neither one less nor more real than the other. I took care of his mind and she took care of his other needs. Danny: He didn't know? Frances: No. Danny: Except he did. Didn't he? He knew. Frances: On some level, maybe. He was very young when it happened. At the time, she was working for me and stealing. I went to her house, to threaten her with the police if she didn't return the items. I've never seen anything like it. ( Tap drips water/ fly buzzes ) Frances: No father, no mother to speak of ... She thought the boy disturbed, damaged by her drink and drugs. I saw how precious he really was. We came to an arrangement. Danny: "An arrangement?" Frances: I would be his mother. Nanny: I'd be his nanny. Frances: He would be provided for in every way - every opportunity, every comfort. Danny: And Charles agreed? Frances: He resisted, initially. Then, he was persuaded. Danny: You could persuade anyone... of anything. Couldn't you? Frances: In this society, it's not enough to be born brilliant. I opened up a world that would've been closed to him. Danny: He didn't belong there. He's not you. He wasn't like you. Frances: Just a few years, that's all I asked, then he would be free to do whatever he wanted. Danny: Such as end all lies? Frances: Oh, such a sentimental, ridiculous notion. I warned him. I tried to save him. I tried... [SCENE_BREAK] ( Buzzer ) Sir. ( Knocks at door ) Mrs Turner. ( He hyperventilates ) Frances: Alistair? Alex: ( cries out ) Frances: Shh. Alex: Frances! Frances: Shh. Alex: Aghh! Frances: Shh... Alistair. Shh... Listen, we have very little time. Listen to me. You're in a great deal of trouble, but there is a way out. Do you understand? Alex: I understand. Frances: It's all been arranged. This is a warning. You'll go to America, for a few years, to work. A new identity. A new life. A new name. But you must leave everything behind. This project - what were you thinking? All you have to do is say yes. You'll be flown out tonight. No belongings. No bags. Alistair, all you have to do is agree. All you have to do is agree. Alex: ( yells, sobs ) Frances: Alistair? All you have to do is agree. Alex: I agree. Frances: You will go to America? Alex: I'll go. Frances: You must speak clearly. Alex: I will go to America. Frances: You will destroy your research? Alex: I will destroy it. Frances: You'll never work on it again? Alex: I'll never work on it again. Frances: You'll leave it all behind? Alistair, you must never make contact with anyone from this life again. Alistair? Alex: His name is Danny. Frances: Danny. Alex: I'll never speak to him again. Frances: This can be a new start for us, too. You'll hate me for a while. But I love you so much. Alex: I love you too. Get me out of here! Get me out! Get me out! [SCENE_BREAK] Frances: You must be clearer. Alex: I'll go to America. Frances: You will destroy your research? Alex: I'll destroy it. Frances: You'll never work on it again? Alex: I'll never work on it again. Frances: You'll leave it all behind? Alistair, you must never make contact with anyone from this life again. Alex: His name is Danny. Frances: Danny. Alistair? Alex: I'll never speak to him again. Frances! Frances! Frances: This can be a new start for us too. You'll hate me for a while. But I love you so much. Alex: I love you too. Get me out! Get me out! Get me out of here! Frances: Well, it's wrong. It's wrong! I'll go back up there. I'll talk to him. I'll explain. He'll listen to me. He didn't understand, that's all. I can persuade him. Alistair, Alistair... Listen to me. Listen to me... Let me speak to him! Let me speak to my son! Let me speak to him! Let me speak to my son... [SCENE_BREAK] ( Frances weeps ) [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: I know a police officer. Frances: You fail to grasp what has been done to you. The fact that you know the truth is irrelevant. No-one is going to publish anything you say. No-one is going to investigate your claims. No-one will believe you. Danny: But they'll believe you. You're his mother. What do you owe them? You gave them your son! Frances: Tell me... were I to agree... what would we do? Danny: We'd tell them the truth. Frances: I can't. She can't. Danny: I want to hear it from you. You heard it from me. His name is Alex. His real name. The name you gave him. Frances: She won't help you. Danny: She renamed him, but you let it slip. Deliberately? Frances: She can't help you. Nanny: ( Sobbing ) Frances: It's time you left. She's gone. [SCENE_BREAK] ( Flames crackle outside ) Danny: For her son. For Alex. All she can do. It's all she can do! ( Door opens ) Danny: Just a stupid boy? Music: My Tears Are Becoming A Sea by M83 ( Door opens ) Frances: Let's burn them down for real. We'd probably better hurry. You understand we don't stand a chance?

Detective Taylor tells Danny that she believes what he has told her but is unable to investigate further because of pressure from her superiors. Danny sends out copies of Alex's research by post and email to newspapers: they are all returned or deleted. Danny's estranged mother turns up at his home out of the blue saying that his father is dying; at his parents' house they admit they have been threatened, it was a charade to erase the code cylinder that Danny wears around his neck. Danny visits Frances and learns about Alex/Alistair's childhood, her own thwarted ambitions in MI5, and how she brought him up to be the spy she couldn't be. Her part in the events leading to his death is shown - he was killed by MI5 to keep his research secret. Though believing it futile, she joins Danny to try to bring those responsible to justice.

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[Scene: Dawson is coming into an airport, and heads over to the Departure displays, when his cell phone rings] [Phone Rings] Dawson: Hello. Oliver. [Looks over the board and finds his flight] hmm. No. my flight is delayed. What are you up to? You're writing already? Oliver, the deal isn't officially closed yet. Andrew is still talking to the business affairs people. They aren't even sure if they are going to let me direct it yet. I know. I'm excited too. [He turns to see Joey looking at the same board not that far from him. She turns and sees him and smiles] Dawson: Oliver, I'm gonna call you back. Aw, man, this is weird. How long's it been? Joey: Oh, I don't know. 3, 4 years? Dawson: 5 years. 5 years since I went to L.A. [A waitress comes over with their drinks] Joey: Thank you. Dawson: Wow. Thanks. I tried calling you last year, actually. But the number...uh, some guy answered. And then I got really busy with the movie, and before I knew it, a year had passed. I thought I might see you at the premiere. Joey: I couldn't get out. I was working on my thesis. I saw it, though, twice. And it was good, Dawson. Dawson: Thanks. Joey: So, what brings you to town? Dawson: My mom got remarried. Joey: Really? That's great. Dawson: Yeah. I just came to town for the wedding. Joey: And how's lily doing? Dawson: Starts first grade in the fall. Joey: Wow! Time flies. Dawson: Sure does. Joey, can I tell you something? Joey: Sure. Dawson: I think about you a lot, which is weird because we don't talk ever. I'm wondering if running into you is some kind of sign. I have to go back to L.A., But I might be able to reschedule a couple things and maybe stay here a few more days. [Cell phone rings] Joey: Oh. [She answers her phone] Joey: Hello. Hey! How was your flight? Oh. Well, I'm having a drink. With an old friend. Give me 5 minutes? Bye. Ahem. Dawson: Who was that? Joey: My boyfriend. Dawson: Oh. Joey: My fiancé, actually. He just got in from New York. Dawson: Wow, th--th-- I didn't know. It's-- it's great. It's, uh-- I mean, seriously, that's really great. Congratulations. Joey: Thank you. Dawson: So, who is this guy? What's--what's he do? Joey: He's an attorney. Dawson: Never pictured you ending up with a lawyer. Joey: He's an environmental rights attorney. Dawson: Of course he is. Joey: So how 'bout you? Are you seeing anybody? Dawson: I was. Um... an actress for a while, and it didn't work out. [Awkward silence] Joey: Well, I should probably get going. Dawson: Ok. Joey: Um...it was really nice seeing you, Dawson. Dawson: Hey, you, too. [They hug] Joey: Give me a call the next time you're in town. Dawson: You bet. Joey: Bye. [Joey turns to leave, but stops and turns back] Joey: Dawson. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: I'm gonna say something. You and me, we had our shot. And you blew it. So I moved on. And you might wanna get on with your life, too, because...I mean, this is getting sad and ridiculous. I just thought that you should know that. Take care. [Suddenly Dawson wakes up from the dream he is having] [Groans] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club docs. Joey and Audrey are walking along talking to each other.] Audrey: Are you absolutely, positively sure I can't whisk you off to L.A. And save you from a summer of unnatural fibers? Joey: And what would a simple country gal like myself even do in L.A.? Audrey: Well, there's always Fred Segal. Joey: Who's that? Audrey: Not who, Joey, what. And the answer is heaven on earth. Joey: Look, Audrey, I appreciate the offer, but I'm committed to Capeside for the summer. Committed being the operative word. Audrey: All right, I will accept that, miss potter. But know that when we meet again and we will, I hope you're not the same dull, bookish prude that I met at the beginning of the year. Because it took me months to crack you, and I just don't know if I have the energy to do it again. Joey: Well, I will try not to undo all of your hard work. Audrey: Thank you. [Pacey comes over to them, wearing a security uniform.] Pacey: Hey, ladies. Joey: What are you doing here? Why do you look like one of the village people? Pacey: It's a long story. Audrey. Audrey: Dickhead. I'll be in the car. [Audrey leaves Joey and Pacey alone] Pacey: Ever the actress, that one. Joey: Pacey, why don't you just go talk to her? She's leaving tomorrow. Pacey: Believe me, Jo, I have tried so many times, I'm this close to breaking some sort of anti-stalking law. Joey: Sounds like it's high time for one of those grand romantic gestures of yours. Pacey: Well, I hate to break it to you, but I think I'm fresh out. It's what happens to a guy when he loses his job, his girlfriend, and his self-esteem in a matter of weeks. Joey: Still doesn't explain the rent-a-cop garb. Pacey: Didn't you know? I'm Capeside yacht club's newest security guar here to protect you, madam. No need to salute. So, looks like we're both stuck here for the summer. See you tomorrow. [Scene: Dawson's Dining room. Lilly is sitting in her high chair and Dawson is trying to coax her into saying anything.] Dawson: Can you say Dawson? I know, I know. Can you say Dawson? Come here. Daw...son. Dawson. Come on, noun, verb, sentence. It's a piece of cake. What's the matter? [Gale comes into the dining room] Gale: Well, maybe she just doesn't have anything to say. Dawson: A leery without something to say? I don't buy it for a second. I don't want to miss her first word. Gale: I know, honey. You can't be around for everything, you know. Dawson: I know, I just feel... Gale: Guilty? Don't you dare. You have been a miracle this year, Dawson. My miracle. I'm not gonna let you forget that. Dawson: Yeah, I'm pretty cool, aren't I? Gale: The coolest. So have you, um, said good-bye to Joey yet? Dawson: We're having dinner tonight. Gale: And? Dawson: And that's...all the information you're gonna get out of me. Gale: Aw, come on, honey. Is it a date? Dawson: Hardly. Audrey's coming. Which, you know, not that it matters. There's nothing le to say, anyway. Gale: A leery with nothing to say? Don't buy it for a second. [Scene: The School Radio Station. Jen is on the air, when Jack comes running up to the booth with a huge smile on his face.] Jen: Yeah. Jack: What is up, slut? Jen: Hmm, not much, big homo. Jack: I've got some news. I've got some really, really big news. Jen: All right, spill it. Jack: 4 “C”s and a "D." Jen: Whoo! Congratulations to you! Oh, I'm so proud. Jack: Thanks. I know. I'm so happy to be, you know, totally and completely mediocre. Costa Rica, here we come. Jen: Yeah. Jack: Now, you're sure you really want to do this? Jen: Well, are you sure you really wanna do this? Jack: Oh, yeah. There's nothing going on in my life that's gonna keep me off that plane. I just wanna make sure you're not gonna hold it against me in 10 years. Jen: You're asking if I'm sure I wanna pass up the opportunity to spend the summer with a couple of chilly, dysfunctional W.A.S.P.S in favor of a grand adventure with my very best friend in the whole wide world? Jack: Yeah. Yeah, that. Jen: Get outta here. You make me sick. Jack: All right, I'll see ya. Oh. Got this for you. Jen: Moby Dick? Jack: Yeah. Yeah. It's a long flight. I figured you'd need something to read. Jen: But I like to chat. Jack: I know, and I like to sleep, hence the oversized volume you now hold in your hands. I'll see ya. [Jack leaves, and Jen goes back on the air for her final announcement of the year] Jen: Uh, all right, friends and neighbors, this is Jen Lindley, and I'm signing off for the summer. Uh, but it's been a blast. I've really enjoyed sharing the music that I like and having this opportunity to vent, so, I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you all for listening, and I'll catch you on the flip side. [Scene: Outside the Leery Fish House. Joey, Audrey and Dawson are leaving the restaurant just after dinner.] Audrey: That was not half-bad, Dawson. I was expecting a way more disgusting culinary experience. Dawson: Well, thank you. I'll have to pass it on to my mom. Audrey: Ok, well... I'm gonna go. Joey: Where? Audrey: To that little charming indie record store over there. I'm gonna stock up on CDs for the flight. And if they fail to take my mind off the flying, you might have to punch me in the face tomorrow, Dawson. Dawson: I am but your humble servant, Audrey. Audrey: Cool. And besides, if I know you two, there are things to be said, bitter sweetness to be had, things requiring alone time and nature and whatnot. [Audrey leaves them alone] Dawson: Jo, do me a favor. Joey: What's that? Dawson: Promise me you'll never marry a lawyer. Joey: What? Dawson: Just promise. Joey: Well, what if he happens to be a lawyer who uses his powers for good? He's a tireless crusader for children or the environment perhaps. What? Dawson: Uh, nothing. Let's-- never mind. Let's just change the subject entirely. Um... Joey: Do you know what's funny? Dawson: What? Joey: Last year at this time, saying good-bye was so epic and dramatic, and it felt like we were never gonna see each other again. Dawson: Little did you know I'd be showing up at your door 3 months later. Joey: You ever regret it? Dawson: Not for a single second. Do you? Joey: Not at all. Opening my door that morning, seeing you there, something I'll never forget. Dawson. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: Why'd you come all the way to Florida? Dawson: I don't think you wanna hear it, Jo. Joey: Dawson, for as long as I live, I'll never not want to hear something that you want to say. Dawson: I went down to Florida to tell you that I love you. [Silence] See? That's not what you wanted to hear, is it? Joey: Why didn't you say something? Dawson: By the time I got down there, it was pretty obvious that you'd moved on. I wasn't about to ask you to drop everything just because I'd finally seen the light. I mean that it wouldn't have been fair. Joey: Well, w-when did things... that they changed for you? Dawson: There was a moment. It was lily's birthday party. And I opened your gift, that book of sketches. And I just sat there looking at this incredible reflection of who you are, and I just realized I hate it when you're not around. Joey: Dawson, how do you know that I'm not just this security blanket for you? You know, something that you'll keep coming back to whenever the world gets scary? Dawson: It's not the world I'm scared of, Jo. [Dawson goes to kiss her, and just before his lips are about to reach hers, she turns her head.] Joey: I'm sorry, Dawson. I can't do this. [She walks away from him] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Potter B&B. Dawson pulls up in a cab, and gets out, and walks over to the mailbox, and places a letter into in and closes, the door, and then we cut into the B&B and see Audrey and Joey walking carrying a tom of bags] Audrey: Tell her not to... when I am 3,000 miles away trying on shoes at Fred Segal, you will miss me, and you'll wish that you had filled me in on the details. Joey: Audrey, there are no details. Audrey: Ok, who are you gonna unburden your soul to if not to me? Nobody, that's who, and that is not good for your complexion, Joey. Not good for your complexion, it's not good for your soul if you even have one. Joey: Audrey. Audrey: Joey. Joey: Audrey. I'm going to say something to you right now that I've never said to you before, something that comes completely from a place of love, understanding, and respect for all the joy that you brought to my life this past year. Audrey: Oh, bunny. Joey: I don't want to talk about it. Audrey: You are so Cher from moonstruck right now. [They make their way out to the cab where Dawson is waiting] Dawson: Here let me help you with that. Joey: That's ok. Give Audrey a hand. Audrey: Help, please? [Silently to Dawson] Oh. You want me to leave you two alone again? Dawson: I don't think that'll be necessary. Audrey: Ok. Ok, this is it. Hug me quick. Tell your sister I said thank you. Joey: I will. Audrey: Don't say anything at this moment. Joey: Who's talking? Audrey: 'Cause anything that you say will just ruin it. Joey: Ruin what? Audrey: The best year of my life. Joey: Ok. Audrey: Ok. [Audrey gets in the cab and Joey goes over to the other side where Dawson is standing] Joey: Have a great summer. Dawson: You, too. [Dawson gets in the cab, and the cab leaves as Joey watches it go.] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Pacey is working the docs, and walks up to one of the boats that is playing their music rather loudly] [Rock music playing] Pacey: Hey, could you guys turn that down a little bit? [The guy turns around and we see that it is Brecher] Brecher: Witter? Pacey: Brecher. Brecher: God. It is so good to see you. Pacey: Yeah. It's good to see you, too. Brecher: Hey, Laurie, this is my friend Pacey. Pacey: Nice to meet ya. [The woman slaps Brecher in the back of the head] Brecher: What? Glory: It's glory, you idiot. Brecher: Glory. Sorry. Glory: I'm gonna take a shower. Pacey: Funny thing, Danny, but Laurie/Glory doesn't look anything like your wife. Brecher: Yeah. The wife and I, we didn't make it. She dumped my ass. What, I can only ignore this outfit so long. What gives? Pacey: This is my summer job, Danny. 'Cause once you bailed on civilization, it kinda folded, so I had to quit. Brecher: Oh, I'm sensing a little resentment. I'm sorry, kid, but I never promised you a rose garden. Hey, look, is there something you wanna say to me? You're giving me that disillusioned protégé look. I hate it. Pacey: Hey, if the shoe fits, right? Brecher: Pacey, hey. You and me... we are cut from the same cloth. We're both these chronic screw-ups. You see, that's why the restaurant world works for us. You never have to grow up. You never have to conform. How cool is that? See, I look at you, and I see myself 15 years ago. You've got a great future ahead of you, kid. Pacey: So you're telling me if I play my cards right, I get to end up just like you, huh? Glory: Danny? Brecher: Duty calls, but, uh, looks like I'll be seeing you around. Come hug me. [They hug] Brecher: I'm coming, baby. [Scene: The Airport. Jen and Jack are running through the airport to make it to their flight on time.] Jack: Come on, Jen. Go, go, go, go. Jen: Sorry. Sorry. [Jen drops her ticket] Jen: Oh! Ticket. Ticket. Jack: Now, go, go, go. Jen: Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. Jack: You run as fast as my grandmother. Come on. Come on. Oh...well, good news is we're not late. [They get to their flight to see that it is delayed. They turn around to see Dawson and Audrey waiting for another flight near by] Audrey: [Laughs] Told you we weren't gonna be bored. Hi! [Scene: Later at the airport. Jen, Jack, Audrey and Dawson are all sitting together bored out of their minds waiting for the delays to get over.] Jen: Is it possible that we've just run out of things to say to each other? Dawson: That's entirely possible. Jack: No. Wait. This is not happening. Audrey: What? What's not happening? [They see Eric getting off a plane and walking in their direction] Jen: Unbelievable. Audrey: What? Jen: Ok, who's hungry? [To Jack]Uh, not you. [To others] Let's go. Come on, guys. Jack: What? Jen: Come on. [They leave Jack alone to talk to Eric] Eric: Hey! Jack: Hey. Eric: This is a pretty big coincidence. Jack: Yeah. What are the chances? Eric: So, what are you—you going somewhere? Jack: Mm-hmm. Costa Rica with my friend Jen. Eric: Oh. Cool. Jack: Yeah. Uh, you? Eric: Oh, yeah. I just-- I went home for the summer, saw my folks. Jack: Turned around and came right back? Eric: Yeah. Yeah, you know, I had all these, uh, these grand plans, you know. I was actually gonna tell 'em and...just, you know, it's never really felt like the right time, you know. Jack: Yeah. Yeah, it, uh, never is. Eric: So, I'm actually gonna hang out here for the summer. I'm gonna get a job, take some classes, or... what about you? Jack: Uh, Costa Rica with Jen. Eric: Oh. Jack: That is if our flight doesn't get canceled. Eric: It's delayed, huh? Jack: Yeah. We could be here for a while. Eric: Well, you know, I don't have to be anywhere. If you want, I could wait with you. Jack: No. Naw, it's all right. It's ok. My friends, they're just, uh, back there. Getting something to drink. Eric: Oh. Right. Ok. Um, well, it was great to see you, jack. Have a--have a great trip, man. Jack: Thanks. Eric: It's good seeing you Jack: Yeah, you, too. [Scene: The Potter B&B. Bessie has pulled up in the truck and is unloading groceries when Joey comes running out carrying some clothes.] Joey: Good. I'm glad you're back. Bessie: Did Audrey get off ok? Joey: Yeah. She says thanks. Can I take the truck? Bessie: Sure, but you're not taking my groceries with it. Joey: Fine, but I don't know what kind of an impression I'm going to make on the new management if I'm late my first day back. Bessie: I thought you weren't starting until next week. Joey: Oh, why delay the inevitable? Do you realize it's almost memorial day? Bessie: Of course. Joey: And the tourists are gonna arrive. Tourists at work. Tourists at home. Bessie: You don't have to work at the yacht club, you know. Joey: What, find another job? Nah. At least this way it's official. Joey potter, back where she started from. Bessie: It's nice to see college hasn't squashed your inner drama queen. Joey: Can I go now? Bessie: Yes. Get out of here. Oh, did you bring in the mail? Joey: No. Bessie: Can you? Joey: No. I'm late. Scene: The Airport convenience store. Dawson is walking through the aisles, when he bumps into someone, and when he turns to see who it was, he finds out that the person is Grams.] Dawson: I'm sorry. Grams: Oh, de--oh. Dawson. Wh--are you leaving today as well? Dawson: Yeah. Grams: Oh, well, I... well, I guess I've been found out. Uh, we're taking the 6:45 to Las Vegas. Dawson: [Laughs] Ok. Grams: Don't you dare tell Jennifer. I--I think these little getaways are much more fun if they're done on the sly. Dawson: Your secret's safe with me. Grams: Good. Well, I guess we should be going. Hugs, hmm? You have a good summer, Dawson. You've earned it. Dawson: Thank you. I thank you... again so much for everything, for taking me in— Grams: No. Thank you for making my granddaughter happy. Dawson: They're still here, actually, if you want to say good-bye. Their flight got delayed. Grams: No, no, no, no. We've said our good-byes. And besides, I-- I would hate for her to think I was doing the grams thing, trying to get her to change her mind. Dawson: About what? Grams: Her parents, of course. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey is going through her receipts at the bar, when Bessie comes walking up to her.] Joey: What? What's wrong? Bessie: Relax, would you? I can't just drop by? Joey: No. Look, Bess, I'm sorry if I seem short with you this afternoon. It's just...this place, being back. Bessie: I know. Not that it's any of my business. Joey: It's not? Bessie: No. You're an adult now, Joey. Officially. It's not the same here without you, you know. Joey: I know. Bessie: And you're not the same. I know you think you are, but you're not. You even look different. Here. I'll show you. [She hands Joey a Passport] You were gonna go to France, remember? And you were giving me all that grief about going to see dad. Joey: I remember. Bessie: You went to the post office and you got the form. You had your picture taken. Joey: Yeah, but I never sent it in. Bessie: I did. If you came back this summer because you think we need you, well, we don't. Joey: Wow. You don't have any other magic tricks in that bag of yours, do you? Bessie: Well, as a matter of fact... [She pulls out Dawson's letter and hands it to Joey] Joey: What's this? Bessie: Guess you'll have to open it to find out. [Scene: The airport. Dawson and Jen are walking down the hallway talking to each other about her parents offer] Dawson: So basically what you're saying is after everything that's happened, we're not still friends? Jen: Yeah, we're friends. Of course we're friends. We're always gonna be friends. But right now, it feels like that's part of the problem. Dawson: Me being honest with you is a problem? Jen: Yeah. What—you know what? If it involves me having to go see my parents, yes, it is. Dawson: I'm sorry, Jen, I don't accept that. Jen: Can you please let this slide? Dawson: I can't. Jen: Yes, you can. Dawson: No, I can't, Jen, because I love you and care about you, and I know that deep down you really want to work things out with your parents. I know this because you told me. Jen: Great, so now the things that I said when we were together are gonna be used against me. Dawson: I know what they did hurt you. All right, but I also know you're never gonna grow up unless you face this thing and you face it head on. Jen: I agree with you. I do. Dawson: Then you're going. Jen: No. I'm not. Not everybody is as strong as you, Dawson. Not everybody can rise to the occasion and do the right thing all the time. Maybe some of us are just screwed up and there's really nothing to do about it. Dawson: You don't really believe that. Jen: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. [Sighs] Does it really matter? Dawson: It matters to me. All right, look, just do me a favor. Lie and tell me that you'll think about it. Jen: I'll think about it. [Scene: The Airport. Jack is sitting alone on a set of chairs when Jen comes walking up to join him with a soda in her hand.] Jen: So, what's the verdict? Is he any more gay than the last time you saw him? Jack: Very funny. He, uh, tried to tell his parents. Jen: He tried. Jack: It's a hard thing to do, you know. Jen: I know. Jack: I wasn't very helpful. Jen: Is that your job to be helpful? Jack: It's my job to be nice. Jen: You are nice. Jack: Yeah? How can you tell? Jen: Because you've obviously been sitting here trying to figure out how to help somebody who hasn't been very nice to you. Jack: Yeah, you're right. I mean, it's just crazy. You know, it's weird to see somebody go through the exact same thing that I went through. Jen: And not doing anything to help them. Jack: What do you want me to do, Jen? When somebody's that confused and messed up, so now you just... Jen: Have to be their friend. Jack: He wouldn't appreciate it, you know? Jen: I know. Jack: And it'd be a waste of an entire summer. Jen: Plus you'd be totally bailing on me. Egregiously bailing. Jack: Unforgivably bailing. Jen: Yeah, except that I'd forgive you. Jack: Ahh... how stupid is this? Jen: Very. Jack: You could come. Jen: Can't. Jack: Could. Jen: Won't. Ok, you should go. Go and help someone. That way maybe our year won't be a total wash. Jack: What about you? Jen: I don't know. Maybe it's time I go help myself. [Scene: Magazine Rack at the store. Dawson is paging through a magazine when he looks over and sees the Director that fired him from his internship the last summer. And the director looks up, and sees Dawson.] Director: I know you. How do I know you? Dawson: You fired me. Director: Well, I've fired a lot of people, kid. What was your offense? Dawson: I spilled some coffee on the set of damage, inc. Director: Oh, I remember you, the moralistic film student. You were annoying. Dawson: Thanks. Director: Still in film school? Dawson: Nope. I went back home after that, actually. Director: Aw, poor baby. Did I crap all over your Hollywood dreams? Dawson: Not nearly as much as the critics crapped all over your movie. Director: You've still got balls, kid. Believe it or not, that little speech you gave me kept me up a night or two. Dawson: Really? Director: Sure. Still, you're pretty opinionated for somebody's who's not even in the game. Dawson: That's me, the moralistic film student. Director: Where are you off to? Dawson: Back to L.A. Actually. Director: Give me a call when you get there. I might wanna watch one of those little movies you make. That is if you don't chicken out and run scared this time. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey is sitting outside at night on the docks, reading Dawson's letter with a sad look on her face as she reads it. Pacey comes walking up from behind to join her.] Pacey: Hey. Joey: Hey. [She quickly tucks the letter back into the envelope] Pacey: May I? Joey: Yeah, but you really don't want to get too close. Pacey: Head lice? Joey: No. I seem to have fallen victim to the Capeside disease. Pacey: And what is that exactly? Joey: Feeling trapped, feeling sorry for yourself, sort of general inability to see the future. Pacey: You mean being a teenager. Joey: You know what, pace? And don't take this the wrong way, but, well, despite your pension for sugar-coated cereals and Saturday morning cartoons, you may be the most adult person I know. Pacey: [Snickers] Joey: You never look back, do you? Pacey: Why would you look back? The future's out there. And whatever it is, it's gonna be great. Joey: You really believe that? Pacey: Sure, I do. Joey: Just not for yourself? Pacey: Come again? Joey: Pace, you're pigheaded, and don't bother trying to contradict me because I've earned the right to say these things. Pacey, you need to believe in yourself more. Pacey: Ok, point taken. Joey: Good. You miss her, don't you? Pacey: Audrey? I don't really think that's an appropriate conversation for last year's class couple to have, do you? Joey: Fine, but I miss her. She changed my life, you know. Pacey: Yeah, I know. Of course, there's always the other option. Joey: Hmm? Pacey: That you changed it. Joey: Fine. I guess I did. Pacey: I guess you did. And although I have no idea what was in that letter you were just reading, I have this funny feeling you were sitting here, in true Joey fashion, wishing that you could unchange it. [Joey gets an idea] Joey: No, I don't. Let's go. Pacey: Go where? Joey: We're not just gonna sit here. We're gonna go. Pacey: And I would ask again, go where? Joey: You want her back, don't you? Well? Pacey: Jo, it's a little late for all that, don't you think? Joey: No. We're gonna go, we're gonna go to the airport, we're gonna find them, and we're gonna say everything that we really want to say to them. Pacey: And we would do that because... Joey: Because we can. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Airport. Joey and Pacey come running into the airport and run over to the departure board.] Joey: Oh, no. They're boarding. Pacey: Aw, damn it! Well, I guess we screwed the pooch on this one. Joey: No. No, we didn't yet. Pacey: They're not gonna let us through the gate without a ticket, Jo. Joey: I'll go buy one. Pacey: Does this Dawson character really mean that much to you? Ok, I'm just kiddin'. Joey: I'll go buy the ticket and stop Audrey from getting on that plane. Pacey: You know what? I'm on such thin ice with this whole thing that if I want to make this overture, I should at least be present for it. You go buy your ticket, and I have another idea. Joey: Ok, good luck. Pacey: I'll see you. Later. Joey: Bye. [Scene: The Ticket booth. Jen is trying to buy a ticket to her Parent's place.] Jen: But I don't want to fly first-class. What is it, anyway? It's a hot towel. I hate the hot towel. It's hot. I'd be much more comfortable on coach with my people. Clerk: As I've explained countless times, little miss, there are no coach tickets available. Zero. And if you want to get to New York now, I suggest you take this ticket. Jen: Fine. [She takes the ticket, and turns to see Joey a few people back in line behind her.] Joey: Hey. Jen: What are you doing here? Joey: It's complicated. Um... I thought you were going to Costa Rica. Jen: I was. Now I'm not. Thanks to your friend and mine, and something tells me it probably has something to do with why you're standing in line right now. Joey: Mmm-maybe. Jen: There's so much that I want to say that I'm sorry for this year, but there's no time, and I— Joey: Give me a hug. Jen: Ok. Joey: Have a great summer. Jen: Thanks. You, too. I love you, Jo. Joey: I love you, too. [Scene: The Airport. Dawson and Audrey are in line to board their plane. Audrey is looking very nervous.] Audrey: Ok, do you remember how I asked you if you'd mind punching me in the face? Dawson: Yeah. Audrey: Could you? Dawson: When we're seated, I promise. Audrey: Ok. Ok. P.A.: Blue star airlines paging Los Angeles passenger Audrey Liddell. Please pick up the white courtesy phone. Audrey: Don't you dare get on the plane with out me. [Audrey goes over to the nearest courtesy phone and picks it up.] Audrey: Hello. Audrey Liddell speaking. Pacey: Audrey. Audrey: Pacey? Pacey: Hey, it's me. Audrey: Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Pacey: I'm sorry, Audrey. Audrey: That's just not good enough, Pacey. Pacey: Ok, you know what? Maybe it's not good enough, but we'll never know if you get on that plane. Audrey: Ok. Pacey: Ok, so, come on and meet me downstairs. We'll talk. Audrey: That's it? That is your pitch-- "meet me downstairs, and we will talk"?! God! You are a lazy romantic, Pacey! [She hangs up the phone] Pacey: Audrey? [Scene: The Airport Security office. Pacey goes up to the security office and the man behind the desk is just staring at him confused.] Pacey: Hey, do you think you could let me use that intercom thing for just a sec? Man: No way, fella. Pacey: This here's some serious business. Oh, come on, buddy. My entire romantic future is hanging in the balance here. There is this girl, this amazing girl, and she's getting on a plane. I've got to stop her from getting on that plane. Man: Buy a ticket, stop her at the gate. Pacey: I don't have enough money to buy a ticket, ok? Man: How much do you have? Pacey: [Sighs] [We cut to Audrey and Dawson still waiting in line. Audrey is listening to her walkman, while waiting] Pacey: Audrey, ok, it's me. Look, I don't know if you can hear me right now, but if you can, please don't get on that plane. Please? [Dawson pulls the headphone off her ears.] Or, you know what? If you do get on the plane, that's fine because all you're gonna do is make me drive across country and hang out in front of your parents' Beverly Hills mansion until you'll talk to me. Because I have to tell you that I am really truly sorry for everything, and I'm sorry that I wasn't completely truthful with you, and I'm sorry for my predilection for the company of older women. It's just that... [Sighs] This has been a really strange year for me, Audrey, 'cause while the rest of you guys were off doin' the whole college thing, I was just doin' my best to stay afloat, and, believe me, nobody's handin' out road maps for the road less traveled. You just kinda gotta get on and start drivin'. But, ultimately, the only thing that I want to take away from this year, and the only thing that I'm gonna remember is you because you are amazing, Audrey, and you came along at a time when I thought all the big loves of my life were behind me, and you just rocked my world. And I know that you and I don't actually even know each other that well yet, but...[Sighs] I'm sure that I could live without you, I'm just not sure that I want to, Audrey, so...that's it. Uh...that's it. That's my pitch. So peace out, everybody. Free the West Memphis three. [Scene: The ticket booth. Joey finally gets up to the clerk to buy a ticket.] Joey: Finally. Clerk: What can I do for you? Joey: I need a ticket. Clerk: To where? Joey: It doesn't matter as long as it's fully refundable. Clerk: You have to pick a destination. Joey: You pick it. Clerk: No, you. Joey: Ok, uh...Milwaukee. Clerk: Well, that's boring. Joey: Ok. Paris, then. Give me a ticket to Paris. Clerk: Ooh, love it. We have a special this week. Joey: Great. Perfect. Just print that up. [Scene: The Luggage claim. Pacey is waiting looking all around for Audrey, when she comes walking up from behind him.] Audrey: Hey, dickhead. So now what? Pacey: Now we drive to California, stopping only for food and s*x. Audrey: What about the world's biggest ball of yarn? Could we stop there? Pacey: Whatever you wanna do, baby. Audrey: And what if some sexy... old broad hits on you along the way? Pacey: I kick her to the curb. [She throws her bags on the ground with a huge smile on her face.] Audrey: You are very lucky, Pacey. Pacey: I know. But why? Audrey: 'Cause I kinda love you. Pacey: Only kinda? Audrey: We have a long way to California, ok? We'll work on it. Pacey: Ok. [They kiss] Pacey: Thank you. Let me get your bags. Let me get that one for you. Audrey: Thanks. Ok. Pacey: Hey, by the way, you wouldn't happen to have any money for gas, would you? [Scene: The Airport. Joey is running as fast as she can dodging people and bags as she goes. She finally comes up to Dawson who is just about to get onto his plane.] Joey: Dawson. Dawson: What are you doing here? Joey: Why are you saying good-bye to me? What happened to you? When did you become the fatalist? Dawson: Right about the same time I went to kiss you and you turn your head like you're on a bad blind date. Joey: I was scared. Dawson: Of what? Joey: Of going backwards, of never growing up. Dawson: That's what I represent to you? Joey: No, not you. Us. I started this year thinking that I had to say good-bye to you, but I was wrong. Dawson, you're a huge part of my life-- past, present, and future-- and I have to start getting used to that because... you make my life better, not worse. Dawson: Then come with me. Right now. Come with me, Jo. Joey: I can't. I won't. Going to California is your journey, not mine. And if we really mean to each other what we say we mean to each other, then...there's nothing to worry about. Everything will work itself out, I guarantee it. Besides, I think I finally figured out what that kiss meant. Dawson: Care to share? [She kisses him long and passionately] Dawson: Damn it. Joey: What? Dawson: Damn it. Joey: What? Dawson: Damn it. You have this annoying habit of making me not want to get on planes. Joey: You're gonna get on this plane, Dawson, and you're gonna go make movies. 'Cause that's your dream, and you're gonna be good to everyone you meet along the way because that's who you are. And if you ever get lost, you remember. Dawson: What? Joey: I love you, too. Woman: Sir? Sir, will you be flying with us today or what? Joey: Yes, he'll be flying with you. Go on, rain man. Your life awaits. Dawson: Yours too, you know. [He turns and gets onto his plane. Joey just watches him get on the plane with a tear in her eye.] [Scene: Jen's Plane. Jen is getting sitting in First class waiting to take off. A flight attendant comes up and gives her a hot towel and leaves. The director that was talking to Dawson earlier takes the seat next to Jen.] Director: [British accent] Hello, luv. Jen: Hi. Director: Comin' or goin'? Jen: Uh, hard to say, really. Director: What are you, a model, actress? Jen: No. I'm a student. What do you do? Director: I'm a filmmaker. Jen: Really? Anything I've ever seen? Director: Uh, damage inc.? Jen: Oh, yeah. I saw that opening night. Director: Oh, what did you think? Jen: Kinda sucked. [Scene: Jack and Eric at the Coffee House. WE see them from outside as they are smiling and laughing while talking to one another.] [Scene: The Leery House. Gale is carrying Lilly upstairs walking next to the photos hanging on the wall.] Lilly: Da-da. Gale: "Da-da"? Lilly: Da. [She sees the picture that Lilly is look at, with a picture of Dawson, Gale and Mitch.] Gale: Oh, look. There. Lilly: Da-da. Gale: You said, "da-da." Lilly: Da-da. [Scene: Pacey's Car. Pacey and Audrey are driving to California and talking and laughing together as they go.] [Scene: Dawson's Plane. Dawson is sittin in a window seat, when a woman comes over and sits down in the seat next to him. She is very nervous.] Dawson: You ok? Woman: Yes. No. No, not really. I have this problem with flying: I hate it with a passion. If I grab your arm at some point during the flight and ask you to explain some creepy airplane noise, please don't hold it against me. Dawson: Not a problem. You know what? It's gonna be ok. Everything's gonna be ok. [He suddenly realizes that everything is going to be alright] [Scene: The Ticket booth. Joey goes up to the clerk to return her ticket.] Joey: Yeah, yeah fully refundable, right? Clerk: You bet. It's a shame you can't use this. Paris is supposed to be amazing in the spring. Joey: Yeah. That's what I hear. [She suddenly stops and thinks “Why not”. And then a smile crosses her face. The picture freezes and fades to black.]

As summer approaches, everyone gets ready for various travels. Dawson prepares to head out for LA with Audrey, while Jack and Jen get ready for their Costa Rican adventure. Left behind in Capeside for the summer, Joey and Pacey lament their fates - until they make a crucial last-minute decision that changes everything.

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ACT ONE (The sun is rising over the trees, panning over to a white truck stopped on the side of the road. Through the windshield, a man - dead - is seen in the driver's seat. A spark is seen behind him, turning into a full-fledged fire and then a massive explosion.) INT. BOOTH'S APARTMENT - DAY (BOOTH and HANNAH are in the bedroom, getting ready for the day.) HANNAH: My editor wants me to tie my story of inner-city crime in DC with federal cutbacks to law enforcement. BOOTH: Ah, all right, gotta love that, huh? More money for us. Tell you what, maybe the bureau could get me a computer that doesn't run on coal. (Booth walks towards the washroom.) HANNAH: I'm gonna ambush Senator Jankow today. He chairs a committee. (Booth leans against the doorway to look back at Hannah, who is wearing a see-through lace blouse.) BOOTH: You go like that, he'll tell you anything you want to know. (Hannah chuckles, turns around and accidentally trips. A framed picture of Booth and PARKER falls to the ground and the glass breaks. Hannah picks it up and sits on the bed.) HANNAH: Oh god. I'm sorry. (Booth sits down beside her.) BOOTH: Don't worry about it. It's okay. HANNAH: I told you I'm not very good with kids. BOOTH: You're great with everybody, okay? And I'll tell you what, Parker can't wait to meet you. HANNAH: Really? BOOTH: Yeah, really. HANNAH: I'd feel more comfortable if he was a crooked senator. I know how to deal with that. (Booth's cellphone rings.) BOOTH: Oh, work. (He answers) Booth. Oh yeah, okay. I'm on my way. (Hangs up the phone and picks up his suit jacket from the bed) 'K, gotta go. Got a case. (He kisses Hannah and points to the frame) Don't worry about that, all right? EXT. CRIME SCENE - DAY (Fire fighters and police are working to free the body from the melted truck. Booth and BRENNAN are speaking with the ARSON INVESTIGATOR. ) ARSON INVESTIGATOR: Call came in at six a.m. Passing motorist called 911, said she saw a ball of fire on the side of the road. BRENNAN: Where's the point of ignition? ARSON INVESTIGATOR: There is none. BRENNAN: As an arson investigator, you should know that every fire has a point of ignition. ARSON INVESTIGATOR: Not if it was hit by an asteroid. BRENNAN: Even an asteroid with the diameter as small as five metres would leave a huge crater. (Points to the ground) There's no crater. ARSON INVESTIGATOR: (To Booth) She serious? BOOTH: Always. (To Brennan) Bones, that was a joke, 'k? The whole asteroid thing was a joke. BRENNAN: Oh! That's amusing because it's such an absurd theory. (She punches the arson investigator on the shoulder) Good one. BOOTH: Check this out, Bones. VIN plate. Digits are missing. BRENNAN: I'll give it to Angela, see what she can do. (To the arson investigator) This white powder. I assume it's residue from fire retardant used to control the blaze although (continues with a smile) it could be the remnants of a highly localized blizzard. (Laughs while the arson investigator and Booth look at her strangely) The likelihood of a blizzard is even more remote than an asteroid hitting the Earth. Do you get it? ARSON INVESTIGATOR: (Ignores Brennan's joke) It's not retardant. By the time the fire fighters arrived on scene, the blaze had burned itself out. BRENNAN: Then I'll need to bag the powder for Hodgins to analyse. (The fire fighters finally manage to remove the roof of the truck to reveal the bones of the victim.) BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Wow, this is a first. Melted bones. BRENNAN: No, not possible. Bones don't melt. BOOTH: You know, usually I defer all things bones to you but, you know, I've cooked with a lot of cheese. That is melting. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - FORENSIC PLATFORM (CAM is looking at x-rays while Brennan is inspecting the body. HODGINS enters.) HODGINS: Woah, look at that! BRENNAN: You're excited about the decedent, Dr. Hodgins? HODGINS: Sure! Booth said the dude melted into the truck. CAM: At this point, we haven't been able to determine gender. BRENNAN: And bones don't melt, Dr. Hodgins. The melting process represents a change of state from a solid to a liquid, an impossibility with bones. HODGINS: I know but they sure appear to be melted. CAM: But how? I haven't seen a fire hot enough to do this. BRENNAN: (Hands Hodgins a bag of the white powder) Found at the scene. A light dusting over most of the wreckage. It could give us cause of death. CAM: I think I found that. (Cam walks over to the bones and points to a bullet lodged into one of the bones.) BRENNAN: Oh. HODGINS: A bullet. CAM: We presumed the victim died in a fire. BRENNAN: But he was shot in the chest. HODGINS: Melted. (Brennan gives him a look) Sorry, but I don't know any other word for it. OPENING CREDITS ACT TWO INT. JEFFERSONIAN - FORENSIC PLATFORM (DAISY and Cam are wearing protective gear while Cam is spraying the bones with liquid nitrogen.) DAISY: I can do this! It was my idea to remove the bones with liquid nitrogen and the FBI is giving me the psych evaluation so I can get security clearance to work unsupervised. CAM: But, you don't have that clearance yet and this is very expensive equipment, which I am responsible for. DAISY: You just think it's cool. CAM: Maybe. DAISY: Careful not to saturate any particular section. Too much nitric oxide can cause the bones to fracture. CAM: I know, Ms. Wick. DAISY: Is the psych evaluation intimidating? I mean, was it difficult for you to pass it? CAM: Perhaps you could focus on how we're going to identify the victim. DAISY: There's no flesh so that rules out fingerprints and since the skull appears melted, we can discount facial reconstruction and dental comparisons. Maybe I could think a little clearer if I was using the equipment? (Cam gives her a look) Please? I already have the gear on. CAM: (Sighs) Okay. Just once. (She hands Daisy the nozzle) But, be careful! DAISY: Since you've become a mom, you're a lot less trusting. (Daisy squeals as the spray starts) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE (ANGELA has the truck's plates on the Angelatron while video conferring with Booth, who is in his office at the FBI.) ANGELA: So, I've been working on the VIN number. BOOTH: Oh, good. I hope. ANGELA: Yeah, well, I etched it with hydrochloric acid, cupric chloride, and distilled water. BOOTH: Yada yada yada. Okay, say something that's gonna make me happy. ANGELA: Well, a little happy, a little sad. I was able to restore the last four digits but that's it. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - BOOTH'S OFFICE BOOTH: Well, based on the truck's rear axle, it was a nine-inch Dana Spicer model - American-made pick-up from '94 to '02. ANGELA: Yada yada. BOOTH: Well, with your four numbers, I should be able to get a match from the DMV. Thanks for making me happy. ANGELA: You got it. (Booth closes the conversation. SWEETS has entered his office.) BOOTH: Do you ever knock? SWEETS: I got a message you wanted to see me. BOOTH: Yeah, actually. Have a seat. (Sweets sits.) I need your professional opinion on a personal matter. SWEETS: This is a rare moment. Is it about Dr. Brennan and Hannah? BOOTH: No. Sorry to disappoint. SWEETS: Okay. Sorry. Shouldn't have jumped the gun. Go ahead. BOOTH: It's about Parker. Parker didn't like Hannah. SWEETS: Oh. BOOTH: Yeah, right? SWEETS: I understand your concern. When did they meet? BOOTH: No, they haven't, you know, he stays with me on the weekends when she's not around. He knows that we're dating so last weekend, at breakfast, I ask him if he wants some chocolate milk. He looks at me, he goes, "Daddy, I hate your new girlfriend". SWEETS: Did you ask him why? BOOTH: No, I didn't, it was awkward. He went back to watching cartoons. I mean, the point is, like, they have to meet sometime, right? SWEETS: Well, yeah, if your relationship with Hannah is serious then - BOOTH: - It is serious. SWEETS: I wasn't questioning that - BOOTH: - It sounded like you were. SWEETS: No, I wasn't. BOOTH: Well, it's serious. SWEETS: Then they have to meet. Parker could be angry because he senses how much Hannah means to you and feels that you don't want him to meet her. BOOTH: But I do, I just want it to be right. I want it to be a perfect time. SWEETS: Right, do you think there is such a thing? BOOTH: Enough with the questions, all right? Just earn your coin and tell me what to do. SWEETS: Accept that you're entering a situation where the outcome is uncertain. The only thing certain is your love for your son and his trust in you. If you trust him as much and trust Hannah, then, it might take a little time but I think the three of you should be fine. BOOTH: Fine. (Sweets smiles. Booth points a finger at him.) If you're wrong about this, you're paying. INT. JEFFERSONIAN (Daisy and Hodgins are walking onto the forensic platform) DAISY: That white powder is magnesium oxide, isn't it? HODGINS: (He swipes his access card) Yeah, how did you know? DAISY: As you saw, the victim's bones appeared to have melted which is not possible. HODGINS: Right, because... DAISY and HODGINS: (Simultaneously) ... bones don't melt. DAISY: Exactly. But, magnesium burns hot and fast. If the bones were exposed to a magnesium fire, which burned between 15 and 45 minutes, at a temperature of 500 degrees Celsius then - HODGINS: ... the biogenetic composition and structure of the bone mineral would have crystallized and the bones would appear as if they had melted! (They walk off the forensic platform after Hodgins notes something down on a clipboard) DAISY: Yes. Although, I thought of it first, if anyone from the FBI should ask. (They continue walking into...) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM HODGINS: Really? But for magnesium to ignite, it needs to be wet first. So, last night, when the mass spec identified magnesium, I checked the meteorological charts (he pulls up the information on the computer) a light rain fell last night in the vicinity where the body was found and I believe I thought of that first but then, I am King of the Lab and you? You are my serf. INT. JESSE'S CHOPPER SHOP (Booth is walking through the shop. He turns off RANDY SIMINOFF'S equipment to catch his attention.) RANDY SIMINOFF: (Takes off welding helmut) What the - BOOTH: (Flashes his badge) FBI. Looking for Jesse Wilson. RANDY SIMINOFF: Jesse's in the back. BOOTH: (Gestures to a garbage bin) Any chance those are magnesium scraps? RANDY SIMINOFF: Yeah, we use cast magnesium discs in the wheels, why? BOOTH: I don't know. Just got a thing for magnesium, that's all. (Booth continues walking. Stops when he sees JESSE WILSON.) BOOTH: (Flashes his badge) Jesse Wilson? JESSE WILSON: Yeah. BOOTH: FBI, Agent Booth. JESSE WILSON: Can I help you? BOOTH: Yeah, you missing a truck, Jesse? JESSE WILSON: No. BOOTH: Well, we found a burnt truck registered to your company's name with a dead body in the driver's seat with a bullet in his chest. JESSE WILSON: Was the truck haulin' magnesium? BOOTH: And if it was? JESSE WILSON: Then the driver was George Lyford, an employee. Didn't show up this morning. He's dead? BOOTH: As dead as dead could be. JESSE WILSON: Poor b*st*rd was having money problems. So, I gave him those mag scraps so he could make a few extra bucks at the recycling plant. BOOTH: Magnesium, that's expensive stuff. You just gave it to him, just like that, 'cause you're a nice guy? JESSE WILSON: Yeah, we've been friends since high school. Never done anything for a friend in need? BOOTH: That tattoo you have on your inside forearm - that military? JESSE WILSON: Yeah. Patton's Third Army. My granddaddy killed a bunch of Nazis in World War II. He was a real hero. BOOTH: Right. He teach you how to fire a gun? Your friend, George, there, he was killed by a 9 mm slug. I checked the registry and you own a German Luger - nine millimetre. They used those guns in WWII, right? JESSE WILSON: I don't like your implication. BOOTH: I can only imagine, I mean, you see your old friend stealing your magnesium and loading it into your truck. You follow him and - JESSE WILSON: - I gave him those scraps 'cause his wife was raggin' on him to bring in more money. Now, ou can either arrest me or you get the hell out of my shop. BOOTH: Right. (Booth leaves.) INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Daisy is examining the bones. Brennan walks in and clears her throat.) DAISY: I was looking at the bullet trauma again. Our initial presumption was not correct. The bullet was not cause of death. BRENNAN: Your evidence, Ms. Wick. DAISY: Well, on the x-ray, it appeared the bullet was embedded quite deeply into the sternum. But, after my excellent observation that magnesium caused the bones to crystallize and thus only appear to be melted, I re-examined the point of entry. (Daisy enlarges the x-ray on the screen.) BRENNAN: The bullet only penetrated a few millimetres. DAISY: Not enough to cause death or even incapacitation. BRENNAN: So, the bone warped around the bullet because of the extreme heat of the magnesium fire. Very good. DAISY: I know. You'll put in a good word for me with the FBI, won't you? For my clearance? BRENNAN: It's a psych evaluation. I'm of no value when it comes to that. DAISY: That's true. BRENNAN: So, if the bullet didn't kill him, how did it get there? DAISY: Perhaps it was shot from a great distance so the impact wasn't sufficient to be fatal? (Cam enters.) CAM: Booth talked to the owner of the truck, Jesse Wilson. Wilson ID'd the victim as George Lyford. BRENNAN: We'll get Lyford's medical records and confirm. CAM: Wilson claims the victim had been fighting with his wife about money. One week ago, the wife took out an insurance policy on George's life. DAISY: Oh my god. The wife totally torched him! (Brennan gives her a look.) I was just trying to go with my gut. It's an FBI thing. ACT THREE INT. HIGH SCHOOL (Booth and Brennan are standing outside KATHY LYFORD'S classroom, where she has detention duty.) BOOTH: That's Kathy Lyford, the victim's wife. She has detention duty for another hour, so... BRENNAN: I was once placed in detention for calling my science teacher a fool. BOOTH: You can't do that, Bones. BRENNAN: Booth, he was trying to teach quantum mechanics without even a rudimentary understanding of Planck's constant. What would you have called him? BOOTH: You have every right. I didn't know the details, I'm sorry. (Kathy Lyford looks up from her desk and sees Booth and Brennan through the window. Booth holds up his badge and taps the glass.) BOOTH: FBI. I need to talk to you for one second. (Randy Siminoff turns around in his seat. He turns to Brennan.) Woah, do you see that kid right there in the red hat? I saw him at the chopper shop. I tell you what, when I talk to Kathy out here, you go in there and talk to him. BRENNAN: No. Teenagers are dull-witted and very difficult to talk to. BOOTH: Sorry, Bones, but you're all I got, okay? I can't go in there and question him - you know, I need a parent or an advocate but you're not law enforcement (whispers the last part because Kathy Lyford is making her way out) so you can ask anything that you want. (Kathy Lyford opens the door.) KATHY LYFORD: Can I help you guys? BOOTH: Yeah, (shows his badge) FBI. We just have to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. KATHY LYFORD: Of course. (Kathy Lyford and Booth leave and Brennan enters the classroom.) INT. HIGH SCHOOL - CLASSROOM (Seated are RANDY SIMINOFF, PAUL LINOTO, JILL MACINTOSH, and AMBER FLAIRE. Amber is sitting on Randy's lap.) JILL MACINTOSH: You the sub? BRENNAN: No. I'm a forensic anthropologist. And, for the record, I'm totally against detention as a form of juvenile punishment. PAUL LINOTO: Yeah, if I wanna smoke, it's none of Big Brother's business. BRENNAN: Oh, your big brother attends this school. PAUL LINOTO: I'm talking about the teachers. We have rights. I take American History so I know. JILL MACINTOSH: They try to control everything we do, you know, like we're still kids or something. BRENNAN: You are certainly not kids. You've probably been menstruating for several years. In many primitive cultures, you'd be responsible for children of your own by now. JILL MACINTOSH: Hm. You're cool. BRENNAN: I am? AMBER FLAIRE: Yeah, maybe you can help get me out of here. I don't even know why I'm here in the first place. JILL MACINTOSH: You cheated on the chem. test. AMBER FLAIRE: I'm from a broken home. That's gotta count for something. BRENNAN: Well, what about you, sir? (She points to Randy) Why are you here? (Randy scoffs.) AMBER FLAIRE: Randy doesn't talk much. PAUL LINOTO: The dude downloaded p0rn on the library computer. AMBER FLAIRE: You're a little horn dog, aren't you? You know, I have a better way to make you unzip your pants. (Amber rips open the zipper of his jeans. He pushes her off.) RANDY SIMINOFF: Damn it, Amber! (The other students laugh.) BRENNAN: As adolescents, your decision-making process is compromised by hormonal changes. You can hardly be held accountable for your behaviour. (To Randy) You work repairing motorcycles, don't you? (Randy gets up and leaves without answering.) AMBER FLAIRE: Told you he didn't like to talk. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY KATHY LYFORD: (Crying) Are you sure it's George? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm sure. KATHY LYFORD: Okay, I gotta go. I should call his parents. (She starts to walk off but Booth stops her.) BOOTH: Kathy, uh, last week - you took out a real expensive life insurance policy on your husband. KATHY LYFORD: So? BOOTH: I think you know what I'm suggesting here. KATHY LYFORD: Wait. That - that policy was George's idea. Okay? We've been trying to have a baby and if something happened to him, he wanted to make sure that we were okay. BOOTH: Your husband didn't come home last night; you don't find that odd? KATHY LYFORD: I was on a field trip with my students in Mt. Vernon. I wasn't even going to see him until tonight. BOOTH: I see. KATHY LYFORD: I had no reason to believe he was missing, okay? I love my husband. I will - I will do anything to help your investigation. BOOTH: Good. I'd like you to come along with me for further questioning. KATHY LYFORD: Fine. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Daisy and Hodgins are discussing the victim.) DAISY: I extracted the bullet from the victim's sternum. I assumed he was shot. HODGINS: Logical assumption. DAISY: But, there are no striations on it. HODGINS: Which means it wasn't fired from a gun. DAISY: So, how would it have wound up embedded in his chest? HODGINS: You suggesting I conduct an experiment? DAISY: My idea, so, you have to let me help, right? (Sees the look Hodgins gives her and adds) Your highness. (Hodgins smiles and starts to walk out.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - BOOTH'S OFFICE (Booth is sitting at his desk and Hannah walks in.) HANNAH: Hey. (Shows him the picture she dropped, now in a new frame) I hope the frame's okay. (Booth gets up) BOOTH: Look at that. That's great. HANNAH: You two look so much alike and the world is better for it. (Hannah hands him the picture) BOOTH: I want you to meet him. HANNAH: (Surprised) You sure? BOOTH: You don't wanna meet him? HANNAH: Of course. But - BOOTH: - What? HANNAH: When I told you I wasn't very good with kids... that's true. I don't wanna mess anything up between you and your son. BOOTH: Look, I love you, all right? He's gonna love you, too. (He walks around his desk to stand in front of Hannah) And don't think of him as a kid; just think of him as a short guy who's not allowed to drink. HANNAH: What if he hates me? BOOTH: That's impossible. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is talking to Kathy Lyford) KATHY LYFORD: Look, I already told that Booth guy that George and I were in debt. Why do I have to keep going through this? SWEETS: Well, the FBI feels that I could provide a different perspective. KATHY LYFORD: You're a shrink. You guys make things up. I don't have to say anything, you know SWEETS: I know but cooperating would certainly help your situation. So, you and your husband, you fought over money. KATHY LYFORD: Like any couple, sure. SWEETS: These are, uh, credit card statements (he holds up some papers) from the past year. I see you liked buying things off infomercials. KATHY LYFORD: Well, you can get good deals on TV because they buy in bulk. SWEETS: Gotcha. You also like online auctions... oh! I see you bought Star Wars trading cards. KATHY LYFORD: Yeah. Growing up, me and my brothers were all fans of 'The Force'. SWEETS: I understand. I'm a Star Warrior, myself. (He clears his throat and imitates C3PO) 'Don't you call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease'. KATHY LYFORD: Excuse me? SWEETS: C3PO. I sounded just like him. From Star Wars? That's, like, the most quoted line in the movie. KATHY LYFORD: Yeah, of course. SWEETS: Can you explain to me why you spent $500 on a Jedi Knight trading card with a red border when it's value was less than a dollar? KATHY LYFORD: I don't know. I guess I made a mistake. SWEETS: What about the, uh, Clone Wars card you bought last month? Again, you spent $500 but you could probably find it right now online for fifty cents. KATHY LYFORD: Look, when I get stressed, I shop. You don't have to make it into a big deal. SWEETS: I'm not making this into anything it's not. I assure you. KATHY LYFORD: Okay. EXT. STREET - DAY (Booth and Brennan are walking towards the Royal Diner.) BOOTH: So, Hannah's gonna meet Parker tomorrow. BRENNAN: You don't sound happy about that. BOOTH: No, I am, it's gonna be great. It's gonna be really good - I just, I'm a little worried, you know. BRENNAN: Because your loyalty lies with Parker and if he doesn't accept Hannah, you may lose the woman you love. BOOTH: It's not that simple, Bones. BRENNAN: I suppose not. You could send him off to boarding school; that's what the English have done for many generations. BOOTH: Boarding school? I'm not sending him to boarding school. BRENNAN: Then, I wouldn't worry if I were you. BOOTH: No? BRENNAN: Won't do you any good. If your relationship falls apart, worrying won't salvage it. BOOTH: Oh, thanks, Bones. I appreciate it. BRENNAN: Of course. (Sweets runs across the street to catch up to Booth and Brennan. They enter the diner together.) SWEETS: Kathy Lyford spent thousands of dollars buying Star Wars trading cards online. BOOTH: So? I had an aunt who spent every last dime on old-fashioned cookie jars. What's this have to do with our case? (They sit down at the counter and pick up menus.) SWEETS: Yeah, but there are hundreds of online merchants that sell Star Wars trading cards. Kathy bought all of her cards from the same person at grossly inflated prices. BOOTH: So you're thinking that she was somehow laundering money through that online merchant? (Sweets nods.) BRENNAN: So, she was paying inflated prices for relatively worthless merchandise. SWEETS: Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking. Kathy bought all of her cards from a seller named Vader649. BOOTH: I'll tell you what. I'll get a subpoena for the identity of this Vader649. Good work, Sweets (Booth punches him on the shoulder). SWEETS: Yeah, it was, wasn't it? Job well done. Well, you know... INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM (Daisy and Hodgins are setting up the experiment.) HODGINS: 9 mm bullet is on the magnesium. Now, I can see if the fire would be enough to set it off. DAISY: Proving that he was shot by ammunition that was stored in the car. HODGINS: Yeah, which would explain the lack of striations. DAISY: A simple yet elegant thesis. HODGINS: Now, the mist simulates a light rain (he sprays water onto the magnesium strip) because water is needed to ignite the magnesium. DAISY: And, although the magnesium can be ignited by heat from the rising sun, I'll use these burners to save us some time. HODGINS: Here. (Hands daisy protective goggles) Given the fluorescent spectrometry of magnesium, you're gonna need those. All right. Any second now. DAISY: Let's crank these suckers up. (Daisy turns up the burners and seconds later, the bullet goes off.) HODGINS: Ow! DAISY: (Turns off the burners) Oh, are you okay? HODGINS: You shot me! DAISY: Well, technically, no. The bullet is in the backstop. You were struck by the bullet casing because we failed to account for Newton's Third Law of Motion: "For every action, there's..." HODGINS: "...an equal and opposite reaction." I know. Now, can you please go get me a first aid kit?! DAISY: Oh, yes, of course! (She starts to run off but then turns around) Dr. Hodgins! Our experiment was a success, wasn't it? (She slaps him on his arm... the same one that got shot) HODGINS: Ow! Go! FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Paul Linoto. A child advocate, MS. HANOVER, is sitting beside him.) SWEETS: Paul, we know that you're Vader649. PAUL LINOTO: So? Is there a law against using that screen name? SWEETS: No, I'm actually more interested in the fact that you were suspended for fighting, bullying - MS. HANOVER: - As his advocate, I have to object, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Okay, I assure you that I am as concerned with Paul's welfare as you are. If he's in trouble, he needs help. PAUL LINOTO: I didn't do anything wrong. SWEETS: You've been selling Star Wars cards to your teacher, haven't you? PAUL LINOTO: Yeah. Capitalism is king, right? SWEETS: Well, she's been paying you a lot more than they were worth. A lot more. Over $3000 on worthless cards. Mrs. Lyford was paying you for something else, wasn't she? MS. HANOVER: Don't answer that. SWEETS: If he can offer an explanation, it could help him 'cause right now the FBI thinks that Mrs. Lyford paid you to kill her husband. MS. HANOVER: Paul, not another word. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT FOUR INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Kathy Lyford, again.) SWEETS: You were paying Paul Linoto $500 a month for worthless trading cards. Now, I don't wanna make this more than it is but it looks pretty bad without any help from me. KATHY LYFORD: Okay, look, I admit that I was paying him for something. I couldn't afford the cash and it was a way to charge it. SWEETS: The FBI thinks that you were charging $500 a month, on your credit card, as payment for Paul to murder your husband so you could get a nice payout from his life insurance policy. KATHY LYFORD: God, no, I wouldn't do that, no. SWEETS: No? Okay. Why were you paying him? KATHY LYFORD: I was having an affair, okay? Paul caught us together and he was blackmailing me. He said I had to pay him $500 a month or he was gonna tell my husband. SWEETS: It's amazing how complicated deceitful relationships can get, isn't it? I'll need to know who you were sleeping with. KATHY LYFORD: Is that really necessary? I mean, it's just gonna hurt more people. SWEETS: If you didn't murder your husband, yeah, it's very necessary. KATHY LYFORD: He's one of my students. His name is Randy Siminoff. George got him a job working at Jesse's Chopper Shop. SWEETS: He's a student? How old is he? KATHY LYFORD: 17. Look, I know it was stupid. Are you gonna file charges against me? SWEETS: That's up to the D.A. KATHY LYFORD: I loved my husband, Dr. Sweets. Me and Randy just sort of happened but I am a good teacher. SWEETS: No. No, actually, you're not. Does Randy love you? KATHY LYFORD: I don't know. I don't... SWEETS: He's young, Mrs. Lyford. Too young to deal with the situation you put him in. You know, it's possible he thought if he killed your husband, you two could be together more permanently. KATHY LYFORD: God. I... SWEETS: Yeah. You're really not a good teacher at all. (Sweets gets up and leaves.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - SWEETS' OFFICE (Sweets is on his computer when there is a knock at the door.) SWEETS: Yup. DAISY: Hi Lance. SWEETS: I thought you were my three o'clock. You know, I have a patient coming. DAISY: I'll be quick. I'm having my psych evaluation later. SWEETS: I know. I normally do them but I recused myself. DAISY: Because we still have feelings? SWEETS: Yes. DAISY: That's nice. SWEETS: I know. DAISY: The feelings. Not the recusing. SWEETS: It's only ethical for me to recuse myself. DAISY: No. It's hurtful, too. SWEETS: What're you driving at, Miss Daisy? DAISY: What's on the test, Lance? SWEETS: No. I can't tell you that. DAISY: But you know I'm brilliant at my job and you know that people have a tendency to... misjudge me. SWEETS: Yeah. DAISY: Because they don't know me like you do. And it wouldn't be fair for me to lose my security clearance because of that. (She steps closer to him and places her hands on his shoulder) Lancelot doesn't want Miss Daisy to lose the job she loves, does he? SWEETS: No, of course not but, you know, it wouldn't be ethical for me to help you. DAISY: Okay. SWEETS: Okay? (She kisses him.) DAISY: I'll probably find another job.... SWEETS: Ohh. DAISY: ...somewhere. Probably. SWEETS: Ohh. (Sighs) Okay, we can discuss the test but I'm not gonna give you the answers. DAISY: Oh, Lancelot! (They kiss but pull away when there is a sudden knock at the door.) SWEETS: Oh, so thank you. Okay, that'll be it for today. I, uh, I will schedule our next appointment soon? DAISY: Yes, doctor. Thank you, doctor. SWEETS: You're welcome, patient. (Daisy leaves and closes the door behind her. Sweets sits down with his next patient.) SWEETS: So, Agent Coors, I hope, uh, the books I gave you on multiple personality disorder helped. (The agent shrugs) Okay. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - ANGELA'S OFFICE (Angela has the x-ray of the twisted bones up on the Angelatron. She is speaking with Brennan.) ANGELA: So, after I scanned in all the bones, I remembered Girolamo Cardano. BRENNAN: The 16th century Italian mathematician and anatomist? ANGELA: Yeah, that's the guy. He developed a series of mathematical equations to describe the skeletal system. So, programming the equations into the computer, I was able to reconstruct the skeletal system - the same way a forensic architect could reconstruct a collapsed building. BRENNAN: You straightened out the bones? ANGELA: I sure did. Check this out. (Angela presses a button and the twisted bones on the screen become straightened out again!) BRENNAN: Amazing. ANGELA: Now, there are marks on the victim's ileum. BRENNAN: I don't believe an injury at that location would be fatal. But, a nicked mandible could be, especially if the carotid was transected. The victim would've bled out. ANGELA: And we'd have cause of death. BRENNAN: Based on the wound tract which narrows to a point, we're looking at a knife. ANGELA: So, he was stabbed. BRENNAN: Daisy will need to find the actual warped bone so she can swab the wound for trace from the murder weapon. ANGELA: No problem. (Angela twists the bones back to the original configuration and locates where the bone actually is.) That's the one. EXT. PARK - DAY (Booth, Parker, and Hannah sit in uncomfortable silence on the park bench. Parker is bouncing a basketball on the spot.) BOOTH: Okay, oh! (He grabs the basketball away from Parker) So, uh, hey Hannah here was in a real, live camel race. Why don't you tell him all about it. HANNAH: I almost won but the camel stopped right before the finish line. He decided to take a nap. Right there. On the racetrack. BOOTH: That's funny, isn't it? PARKER: Can I go shoot some baskets? (He takes the ball back from Booth) BOOTH: No, you can't shoot some baskets right now. Listen, hey, tell her about your science fair at school. He came in second. PARKER: Do I have to? BOOTH: Yeah, tell her about the volcano you made. It was so cool! We built that- HANNAH: (Interrupts) Seeley, can I talk to you for a sec? BOOTH: Yeah. (Hannah and Booth take a few steps away.) HANNAH: (Sighs) This isn't working. BOOTH: All right, just give him a minute. He just needs time to warm-up. HANNAH: Give me a few minutes. Alone. Look, I'm taking your advice. He's just a short guy who can't drink. BOOTH: Look, I didn't want this to be... HANNAH: I'm a journalist. I've cracked tougher nuts than Parker. BOOTH: Right. HANNAH: 'Kay? (The two of them walk back to Parker.) BOOTH: All right, tell you what, I gotta go get my phone from the car, okay? Stay here with Hannah. (Hannah sits down and Parker immediately scoots further away from her.) HANNAH: You don't know who I am so you don't trust me. Maybe you hate me a little. Or even a lot. I might be trying to steal your dad. Wouldn't it be better if you knew for sure what was going on? So you have a real reason to hate me? So, here I am. Just ask me anything you want, anything at all. PARKER: (After a pause) Were you really on a camel? HANNAH: Yes. PARKER: Do you sleep with my dad? HANNAH: Yes. PARKER: If you got married, what would I have to call you? HANNAH: Hannah. That's my name. PARKER: Would you have kids? HANNAH: No. There are children already in this world who need good homes. If I decided to have a child, I'd adopt one of those kids. PARKER: That's a good answer. HANNAH: I thought so, too. PARKER: Do you like dogs or cats? HANNAH: Dogs. PARKER: Burgers or hotdogs? HANNAH: Both. PARKER: What's your favourite ice cream? HANNAH: Chocolate. PARKER: I like strawberry. (A beat, then) Do you have any questions for me? HANNAH: What's your middle name? PARKER: Matthew. HANNAH: Would you ever wanna ride a camel? PARKER: Sure. I'm a kid. HANNAH: What's your favourite TV show? PARKER: The Wizards of Waverly Place. When the dad married the mom, he had to give up his magical powers. I would never give up my magical powers for a girl. HANNAH: I don't blame you. (She moves a little closer to Parker and this time, he doesn't move away) Why didn't you win first place in your science fair? PARKER: 'Cause Ben Bradley cheated and his dad did his entire project for him. They used a potato to turn on a light bulb. HANNAH: Creep. PARKER: Totally. HANNAH: (About the basketball) Can I see that? (Parker tosses it to her) How do I do that... spin-y thing? (She attempts to twirl the ball on her finger) PARKER: Wait, no. HANNAH: Aw. How's that? PARKER: You have to spin it faster. (Parker shows Hannah and Booth smiles as he watches from afar.) ACT FIVE INT. BOOTH'S CAR - DAY (Booth and Brennan are driving to the high school.) BRENNAN: I didn't get Randy Siminoff to talk before but now that I know that he has a preference for more mature, teacher types, perhaps I can charm him. BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey, no and no. BRENNAN: You don't think that I would appeal to him? BOOTH: What? No, of course you would. BRENNAN: Thank you. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Because I'm cool, you know. The delinquents told me that and Parker said I was too - when I did the cannonball into the pool, do you remember that? BOOTH: Yes, I do, I do. You drenched my meatball sandwich, how could I forget. (They laugh.) BRENNAN: How did it go with Hannah and Parker, by the way? Did they meet? BOOTH: Yeah, yeah, it was good. I mean, I'm telling you, she really is amazing with him. BRENNAN: Why wouldn't she be? Everyone loves her. BOOTH: Right? Yeah, I think it's gonna work out. BRENNAN: I'm glad. The three of you can come over and swim any time you like. BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: I know how much Parker loves the pool. BOOTH: Great, thanks. (Super awkward looks and silence follows.) BRENNAN: So, how are we gonna get Randy to talk? BOOTH: Ah, we might not have to yet. INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (Students are lining the hall as Booth and Brennan open Randy Siminoff's locker.) BOOTH: Since there's no right to privacy on campus, we have the authority to look in his locker. Maybe there's a journal or some kind of note. (Brennan puts on some gloves and starts to rifle through the locker.) BRENNAN: Well, there's this. (She brandishes a knife) (Students murmur and Randy Siminoff rushes at Paul Linoto.) BOOTH: Hey, hey! (Booth holds Randy back) All right, Bones, let's call the child advocate. She's got a new client. INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - SWEETS' OFFICE (Sweets and Daisy are sitting on the couch.) SWEETS: Okay, the way it works is that in these psychological tests, there are a number of crucial questions. DAISY: Crucial, yes. SWEETS: The rest hardly matter. Now, the computer looks at the questions to see if any of the answers set off alarm bells. DAISY: Your abilities are so wide-ranging with your insights and applicable real-world know-how. SWEETS: Now, I'm not gonna give you any of the answers. We don't wanna cheat. DAISY: No. SWEETS: Just forewarned is forearmed. DAISY: Absolutely. SWEETS: Okay. For example, if one of the questions were to be: What is your favourite colour? DAISY: Oh! Anything in the 630 to 740 nanometre range. SWEETS: Which would be... DAISY: Red! (Sweets shakes his head) Red is bad. (Sweets nods) What's good? SWEETS: Cheating, Daisy. DAISY: Um, something in the 520 to 570 nanometre range? (Sweets shrugs) That's green. SWEETS: Green! Okay, good, green is good. All right, next question: What is your favourite number? DAISY: (Shrugs) Either of Feigenbaum's constants. SWEETS: Try to think of an actual recognizable number between one and ten. DAISY: No, in that case, the question should be: What's your favourite numeral. SWEETS: Two. Say two. DAISY: We're cheating now? SWEETS: Yeah. Are you in a committed, monogamous relationship? DAISY: Yes. SWEETS: Good. DAISY: That wasn't on the test, was it? You just wanna know if I'm faithful. SWEETS: No, it was on the test but I'm glad. DAISY: You know why your name is Sweets? SWEETS: Why? DAISY: Because you're so sweet. SWEETS: Aw. (She leans over to kiss him and her eyes look down at the paper.) SWEETS: (Breaks the kiss and pulls the test away) Are you trying to cheat? DAISY: It was a glance, that's all! I... but... next question. (Sweets' cellphone rings.) SWEETS: Hold on. (Checks his phone) Sorry, Agent Booth needs me. DAISY: Sure! I'll wait here, look over the questions. SWEETS: No, you don't need to. You'll be fine. DAISY: But... SWEETS: Trust me, Miss Daisy. You'll be fine. (He gets up to leave.) INT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM (Sweets is interrogating Randy Siminoff with Ms. Hanover, the child advocate.) RANDY SIMINOFF: Yeah, I was having s*x with Mrs. Lyford but it was - it was no big deal. SWEETS: While your peers might think that having s*x with an adult is a kind of a victory, it's still abusive and the psychological damage can be significant. MS. HANOVER: Dr. Sweets, where is this going? SWEETS: As his child advocate, I think you would know, Ms. Hanover. Studies show that as the relationship fails, the student often feels powerless and angry. Look, Agent Booth found a knife in your locker. George Lyford was killed with a knife. RANDY SIMINOFF: I brought it to school to pry open a dude's locker and shove in a dead trout. It was a prank. He started it when he put pepper spray in my gym shorts. SWEETS: Okay. Okay, let's get back to you and your teacher. Now, you claim it was just s*x. You had no deeper feelings for her? RANDY SIMINOFF: That's right. SWEETS: But we have your cellphone records, Randy. You and Mrs. Lyford talked an average of two hours a day for the past three months. That doesn't sound like just s*x. RANDY SIMINOFF: Okay, so I love her. I mean, why is that so crazy? She loves me, too. I could feel it. But, I didn't kill anyone, okay? I didn't have to. She would've left him. MS. HANOVER: Randy. Stop talking. SWEETS: Now, I understand that you're here to protect him but we need to know where Randy was two nights ago when George Lyford was killed. RANDY SIMINOFF: Home. Like every night. SWEETS: All right. Was anyone home with you? RANDY SIMINOFF: I live with my aunt but she works nights. (Shakes his head) She loves me, okay? I know that. She would've left him. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - OOKEY ROOM (Hodgins is showing Brennan results on his computer.) HODGINS: I got the swab results back. S.E.M. analysis says the murder weapon was a knife made of carbon steel. BRENNAN: Which means it was forged prior to 1964. HODGINS: It also means that the knife you found in Randy's locker was not the murder weapon. The knife that stabbed our victim was laminated in silver. BRENNAN: Why would you laminate a blade in silver? It's a soft metal. HODGINS: That's right. No one uses silver to laminate a blade... unless it's the Damascus blade. BRENNAN: You said that with a great dramatic flourish, please continue. HODGINS: Hitler had 30 Damascus blades hand-forged as presents for his top commanders. (He brings up pictures on the computer) Now, those knives were coveted by American GIs. Some of them were taken as souvenirs by soldiers in Patton's Third Army. BRENNAN: The owner of the Chopper Shop had a grandfather who served in Patton's - HODGINS with BRENNAN: (Simultaneously) - Third Army. HODGINS: Yeah, I know. The murder weapon must've belonged to Jesse Wilson. ACT SIX INT. JESSE'S CHOPPER SHOP (Booth is talking to Jesse Wilson.) JESSE WILSON: What's this about? I told you about George, I helped. BOOTH: Right, I appreciate that. Now, maybe you can explain why George Lyford was killed with your knife. JESSE WILSON: Woah, slow down. You said George was shot. He was stabbed to death? BOOTH: Stabbed, that's right. Patton's Third Army - grandfather brought back a knife from Nazi Germany, didn't he? JESSE WILSON: Yeah, it was awesome but it was stolen from my shop. BOOTH: That's pretty valuable to just leave lying around here, huh? JESSE WILSON: Valuable? I didn't know. I left it with the other stuff: the helmets, metals, badges... it's all gone now. The Nazi stuff, a bunch of my tools, and some chopper parts all jacked from my shop. BOOTH: When was that? Yesterday? JESSE WILSON: No. Six months ago. I filed a police report. I always suspected Randy's girlfriend but I didn't have any proof. BOOTH: Randy had a girlfriend. JESSE WILSON: (Shrugs) On again, off again. She's trouble. After the stuff was jacked, she didn't come around so much. BOOTH: Hm. INT. JEFFERSONIAN - BONE ROOM (Brennan is examining the bones on the exam table. Daisy walks in, excited.) DAISY: I've been approved! I passed my psychological evaluation. BRENNAN: An absurd and useless requirement. DAISY: I agree. But, when seen through Lance's eyes, psychology can be fascinating. BRENNAN: When asked what my favourite colour was, I responded something in the 520 to 570 nanometre range. (Laughs) They were baffled. Fools. DAISY: I agree but I'm glad I made the cut. I could be working here forever now. BRENNAN: Then, be useful. I'm examining the right ileum which, due to demineralization is now located where we'd normally find the ischial tuberosity. DAISY: Why are you examining the ileum? BRENNAN: (They walk over to look at the blown-up picture on the computer screen) Angela identified some faint impressions on the bone. They appear to be a sequence of dash marks. Upon further investigation, I realized there is a second sequence that converges with the first. DAISY: You think those marks are probative? BRENNAN: Not sure. (Prints out the picture on the screen) To the naked eye, these marks appear to be random (She takes a marker and starts to draw on the picture) but if I extrapolate like so... what could possibly form this shape on the ileum? DAISY: May I? I'm authorized to work on my own now. BRENNAN: Of course. DAISY: (She turns the picture upside down) Dr. Brennan, it's a zipper! BRENNAN: (Moves Daisy away to see for herself) An open zipper and the teeth are bent. It's been ripped open - I saw someone do this just yesterday. Very good work, Ms. Wick. DAISY: (Smiles) Well, that's what happens when you have the faith of the FBI behind you. (Sweets walk in and holds up Daisy's security badge.) SWEETS: Hi, I asked if I could deliver your ID card myself. DAISY: (Knocks over a tray in her excitement) Oh! (She runs over to hug Sweets) SWEETS: Congratulations. (Sweets and Daisy are about to kiss but then look over to see Brennan's disapproving look. They hug instead.) DAISY: (Pointing to the tray) I'll clean that up. SWEETS: Put it on! DAISY: Okay! EXT. CRIME SCENE - DAY (Booth, Brennan, Ms. Hanover, and Amber Flaire are looking at the melted truck.) MS. HANOVER: What are we doing out here, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Amber said she would do anything in order to cooperate with the investigation so we thought we would bring her here to the crime scene so she could explain some things. AMBER FLAIRE: Explain what? BRENNAN: We know it was you, Amber. We know you killed George Lyford. AMBER FLAIRE: That's crazy. BOOTH: We also know that you pawned some stolen tools from Jesse's Chopper Shop, you know, pawn shops - they keep records, too. AMBER FLAIRE: Well, Jesse cut Randy's pay so I figured out a way to make up the difference. BOOTH: Because he was your boyfriend? AMBER FLAIRE: So? BOOTH: You know, you didn't pawn everything, though, because we found this in your bedroom. BRENNAN: That's the murder weapon, Amber. AMBER FLAIRE: He tried to rape me. That's why George drove me out here. BOOTH: No, you had the knife on you because you thought George would be angry enough to kill his wife. BRENNAN: That way, you could have Randy back but George wouldn't help you. BOOTH: So, you thought you could get revenge on Mrs. Lyford by having s*x with her husband. BRENNAN: His zipper was ripped open the same way you ripped Randy's zipper in detention. BOOTH: George didn't want to have s*x with you, Randy dumped you, George pushed you away so you just went bonkers and stabbed him with the knife. AMBER FLAIRE: Even if you can prove it, I'll be out in a year, tops. I'm just a kid from a broken home. INT. ROYAL DINER - NIGHT (Booth and Brennan are sitting at a table, eating and talking.) BRENNAN: So, what's going to happen with the teacher? BOOTH: The D.A.'s gonna press charges, she'll do time. BRENNAN: Really? BOOTH: Yeah, and then whatever you do, don't start telling me how natural it is what she did because the women in the Ramalamadingdong tribe liked to sleep with teenaged boys. BRENNAN: I wasn't. I think it's just that the teacher pay for her actions, no matter what other societies may accept. Although, I have no knowledge of the Ramalamadingdong tribe. BOOTH: Chief Shoobop-Shoobop invented rock-and-roll. (He smiles) BRENNAN: (Smiling) Oh, a joke! Very funny. Perhaps your chief knows Chief Polyphony of the Gavotte tribe. He invented Baroque music that always starts on the third beat of the bar. (Brennan laughs and then so does Booth when he sees that Hannah and Parker have arrived. Parker is laughing, too.) BOOTH: There they are. Come on, kid. PARKER: Dad, we went to the zoo. They had camel rides. HANNAH: I was sure he'd ridden one before. He could be a jockey. BOOTH: The zoo, huh? What happened to just going to get ice cream? HANNAH: Yeah, yeah at the zoo. PARKER: We saw a lion pee for, like, ten minutes. BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: That would be physically impossible. An adult lion's bladder, when full, can hold approximately 1500 mL of urine. The bladder would completely empty in 37.5 seconds. PARKER: She says weird stuff like that all the time. She's cool. (Brennan smiles.) HANNAH: Yes. We're friends, actually. PARKER: She knows everything. Watch this. What animal farts the most? BOOTH: Hey, hey, hey. (Hannah laughs.) BRENNAN: The termite because of their diet and digestive process, they produce as much methane gas as human industry but you can't hear them. PARKER: Isn't she cool? HANNAH: Very. PARKER: We can go to her house and go swim. She can do a cannonball. HANNAH: Oh. PARKER: Hannah can come, can't she? BRENNAN: Sure. (Hannah and Brennan trade smiles.) BOOTH: Hey, kid. Hey, a little chocolate ice cream on the chin there, kid? (He tries to wipe it off of Parker) PARKER: (Smiling) Yeah, it's my new favourite flavour. BOOTH: Wow. (To Hannah) You're amazing. HANNAH: (Mouths) Thank you. (Booth and Hannah hold hands. Brennan sees and there's a look.) END.

Booth and Brennan's next case leads them to a crime scene where a human carcass has literally melted into the dashboard of a charred truck. As the team investigates the case, they discover a gunshot wound in the victim, but learn that neither the fire nor the bullet was the cause of the victim's death. Additional clues lead them to a local high school where the victim's wife is a teacher. As a student-teacher relationship begins to surface and a pattern takes shape in the lab, the team is able to track down the murder weapon and solve the crime. Meanwhile, Sweets resists the temptation of allowing his feelings for Daisy to interfere with helping her pass a government psychological evaluation, and Hannah attempts to break the ice and warm up to Booth's son Parker .

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_06x04

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_06x04_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Damon's gone. I want you to compel me to forget that I ever loved him. Who is Damon Salvatore? He was a monster. That's my girlfriend Ivy. Somebody killed her last night right in front of me. Caroline: Killing Enzo won't bring her back. If I kill him, I can leave this place, and I can start over again. [Thwart] I have my own way I like them to die. Vampires can't get into Mystic Falls. They can lurk around the borders. Jeremy: Sarah... The girl you attacked and you compelled... No! She knows what I am. My mom lived in Mystic Falls for years before she had me. Damon: Where the hell are we? Bonnie: 1994. My own hell. We're never getting out. Bonnie: There's someone else here. Incendia. Kai: We're on the same team. Do you always try and kill your teammates? The important thing is that you have your magic back because your magic is the key to getting the hell out of here. [ THE SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE, OTHERWORLDLY ] ( The camera shows the outside of the Salvatore house, it's morning. Kai is still taped to a chair in front of the fireplace. ) Kai: And, of course, I broke into the Oval Office, and took a picture of myself at the window looking all JFK. But then, I was, like...wha - how am I going to get these photos developed - Damon: (interrupts) Oh my god, just answer the damn question. How are we going to get out of this Twilight Zone? (Damon is sitting across from him in a dark couch.) Kai: I got a question for you, first. Why do you think we're stuck on a repeating loop of May 10th, 1994? ( Damon raises his eyebrows as if to say he didn't know. ) Kai: Doomed to relive a solar eclipse forever and ever, and ever. Damon: How the hell should I know? (He takes a sip of his bourbon.) Kai: Well, I heard you tell Bonnie this place was your own personal hell. I'm curious why. Bonnie: (walks into the room) I found everything you asked for: can -opener, shower drain, grinding wheel, jam. Pocket knife, volume "O" of the Encyclopedia, a nail and a black marker. ( She walks over to the table in front of the couch Damon is on, and dumps the things on it. Damon is now standing. ) Bonnie: Now what? Kai: Can't show you with my hands taped. ( Bonnie reaches over, grabs the pocket knife and walks over to Kai. ) Damon: (warningly) Bonnie... Kai: Thank you. ( Bonnie cuts off one of the taped binds on his hand. ) Damon: Okay. ( She cuts off the other binding. ) Damon: Fine. How is this pile of crap going to get us out of here? Kai: (rubs his sore wrists) I'll explain... as soon as you tell me what you did on May 10th, 1994. Damon: (frustrated) What difference does it make!? Kai: Let me put it this way - Bonnie's magic is one part of the equation. My as -yet undisclosed knowledge is the other. Which means you would be hitching a ride home for free. I just want to know if you deserve to come along. ( Damon stomps over to Kai, snatches the pocket knife from Bonnie and lifts Kai up to put the knife against his neck. ) Damon: Or I could just torture you until you say something useful. Kai: (confused, speaks slowly) If you torture me, I'll get mad and then I won't want to help you. (he looks toward Bonnie) ...What kind of person needs to have that explained to them? ( Bonnie reaches over and takes the knife out of Damon's hand. Damon roughly lets Kai go. Kai laughs. ) Bonnie: Play nice. Damon: Stop trying to impress the new guy. Bonnie: Why don't you just tell him your story? Damon: Maybe because I don't want to talk about the worst thing I ever did, Bonnie. ( Kai, who had opened the jam, smiles. ) Kai: Ooooh, now I'm listening. (He scoops out some jam from the jar with his hand and eats it) [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MYSTIC FALLS, 1994 ] ( Damon has just rang the doorbell and has his back is to the Salvatore house. The doors open and he turns to see Stefan inside. Damon holds up the same newspaper Bonnie has been reading for the last four months ) Damon: Ready for some bad news? ( The newspaper's front page has an article about Kurt Cobain's suicide. Stefans leans against the door as Damon chuckles and moves forward to get in the house, only to be stopped by an invisible barrier in the threshold ) Damon: Barely seen you in 50 years, Stefan. You could invite a brother in. Stefan: Give me one good reason why. Damon: Check your answering machine, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Stefan: Oh, I heard your message. I also heard you sent Lexi some flowers, 17 years after you left her to burn to death on a rooftop. Damon: Well - Stefan: It's a little late, but I see you're trying to make amends. I just want to know why. Damon: Uh, well, I can tell you this, Stefan - I'm tired of tearing up New York City. And, maybe it's the partying, or maybe it's my conscious - Stefan: Well, I believe that word would require one. Damon: (ignores him) - and then, I had this moment of clarity, and I said. "Wouldn't it be great if I just woke up in my own bed and could have a fresh start?" ( Zach Salvatore appears behind Stefan. ) Zach: You must be Damon. ( Damon nods ) Stefan: Damon, this is, uh, Zach Salvatore. He owns the house now, he knows the family house tree, and I told him if you got out of line, I'd take care of you myself. Damon: Why you always expecting the worst out of me, Stefan? Stefan: Oh, I don't. Otherwise, I wouldn't allow this. ( Damon looks around confusedly. Stefan nods to Zach ) Zach: Come on in, Damon. Damon: Huh. (he takes steps into the house, smiling) Thanks. (He brushes past Stefan after tapping his shoulder) Stefan: You ready to start over? Damon: Hell yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PRESENT DAY, OUTSIDE OF MYSTIC FALLS ] ( Stefan is sitting on his motorcycle. He takes off his helmet when his cellphone buzzes. He glances at the caller ID and raises it to his ear ) Stefan: Hello. Any sign of our runaway girl? ( Elena appears to be in the woods on the other end of the line. ) Elena: No, Caroline and I combed the border of Mystic Falls three times already. No sign of Sarah. Stefan: She's not on any of the roads, which means she's probably in Mystic Falls. Elena: This is bad, Stefan. Her compulsion went away as soon as she crossed the border. She knows that Caroline and I are vampires. Stefan: Listen, I gotta go. I'll uh, talk to you later. ( Stefan turns his cellphone off and turns the key in the ignition. But, before he can leave, Elena superspeeds in front of his motorcycle. ) Elena: Where do you think you're going? Stefan: (chuckles) Uh, I'm going home. Elena: Savannah is not your home, Stefan. It's an escape, a hiding place. This is your home. ( Elena points to the Mystic Falls sign. ) Stefan: No, it was my home. But, I can no longer enter its borders, therefore I have a new home. Elena: (raises her eyebrows) So, you're just going to throw in the towel and go back to your fake new life? Stefan: Look, my fake new life ended when Enzo decided to kill my not -so -fake girlfriend, Ivy. So, I am going to go home, pack up and start over. Again. Elena: By pretending like your life here never existed? Stefan: You'd be surprised how easy it is to forget the past, Elena. Elena: But I'm not buying it. You lost your brother. There's no way that you're fine. ( Stefan sighs, reaching down for the keys, but Elena holds them up, smiling. ) Stefan: You do not have to worry about me. It's not like I haven't done this before, I have a system. Elena: Show me. Prove to me that your system works. If I believe that you actually are happy, then I'll let you go. But if I don't buy it, which I probably won't, I will keep harrassing you until you come home. (she scrunches up her nose) And, I'm talking about like Enzo -sized harrassment. ( They share a look, and Elena jiggles the keys. ) Elena: Deal? ( Stefan holds his hand out for the keys. ) Stefan: Sure. ( Elena drops them into his hand. ) Stefan: And what about our runaway girl, Sarah? ( Elena gets behind him on the motorcycle, and puts the helmet on. ) Elena: Well, we can't step foot into Mystic Falls. So now, it's up to Matt and Jeremy. [SCENE_BREAK] [ HOSPITAL ] ( Jeremy and Alaric are sitting beside each other in a waiting room. Jeremy leans down and vomits into a vomit bag, Alaric pats his back. ) Alaric: Atta boy. Get her all out. ( Alaric is on the phone with Matt. ) Matt: (voiceover) Is he seriously still wasted? Alaric: Yeah, little punk showed up on my doorstep at four in the morning. Drunk. I thought you two were looking for Sarah together. Jeremy: (groans) I did my part, she is definitely not hiding in the Salvatore liquor cabinet. Alaric: Listen, what about your vampire -hating neighborhood watch guy? If Sarah goes to him for help, that's a problem. Matt: (in his car) I'm on my way to Tripp's office now. I think I can get him to trust me and tell me what he knows. Alaric: Be safe. (He hangs up.) ( Jo sees Alaric in the waiting room and walks toward him ) Jo: Alaric Alaric: Hi. (He stands up.) Jo: Who do we have here? Alaric: This is Jeremy... (He stands Jeremy up with one arm.) Jeremy Gilbert. He's a little... Jo: Underage? Alaric: Yeah... Jo: Yeah, I can see that. Alaric: I was hoping you could give him one of those, uh... rapid -rehydration hangover -cure -type things? Jo: (gives Jeremy a look) Oh, yeah. You mean, the ones we reserve for professional athletes and starving children in third -world countries? Yeah. I think we'll start with a full workup...(She holds an empty urine cup up and hands it to Jeremy.) Physical, blood, toxicology... Alaric: Yeah. Why don't you throw in an STD screening while you're at it, huh? Jeremy: (takes the cup and rolls his eyes) Really? Alaric: Yeah! Jo: (to Jeremy) Down the hall to the right. ( Jeremy groans and walks away, leaving Jo to look at Alaric. ) Jo: (winces) Do I want to know? Alaric: It's just another day in the life of an Occult Studies professor. Jo: Well, if that entails supervising drunk morons, then you and I have a lot more in common than I thought! (Alaric laughs as Jo gives him a clipboard, they both look up at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ TRIPP'S OFFICE ] ( Matt is walking down the hall and he stops at the door, Tripp is on the phone. ) Tripp: I know, and I'm sorry, Karen. Jay was a good kid. (Seeing Matt in the hallway he gestures for him to come in.) I promise, you'll be the first one to know, okay. (He hangs up and sits back in the chair.) Matt: Tripp, are you okay? Tripp (sitting up): No. No. I just told Jay's parents that I was the one who found their son dead in the woods last night. Matt: I heard, do you know what happened? Tripp: You tell me. ( Matt has a poker face. ) Tripp: He went to the party with you. Matt: I -I don't know. He was drunk... I offered to give him a ride home, and he said he'd walk... I should have, driven him home. Tripp: Okay. I'm gonna give the sheriff my statement - (Tripp stands up, waving his arms) - and try to make sense of what happened to Jay. Matt (standing also): Wait. Maybe I should go with you. I mean I might have been the last person to see Jay alive. Tripp (staring at Matt): Ok. Done. Let's take a ride. (They walk out together.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ THE SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE, OTHERWORLDLY ] ( The camera shows the table littered with Kai's things, and he picks up a can opener. Bonnie and Damon are standing in front of the fireplace, Damon is pinching the top of his nose in frustration, his eyes shut. ) Kai: I need to be entertained, while I work. ( Kai is lying on his back on the couch, screwing open another Jam can with the can -opener. ) Kai (singing): ♪ Hell story, please ♪ ( Damon turns his head to Bonnie, not his body. ) Damon: Remind me not to kill him. Bonnie (moving her head): Maybe telling him your story will take your mind off of it. Damon: Whose side are you on? - Bonnie: The side where we get to go home to the people we love. Damon (after a prolonging moment): Fine. ( He turns to Kai. ) Damon: On May 1994, I was living here. I'd come home to walk the straight and narrow. ( The camera moves past his head and into the flashback. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MYSTIC FALLS, 1994 ] ( Damon's blue camaro is outside, Damon and Stefan are shining it with rags. Damon is wearing a white tank top, looking tiresome. Stefan is drinking from a flask, and Damon walks over to him. ) Damon: Can I have a sip of that? I'm starving.Stefan: Suure. (He emphasized.) ( Stefan hands him the flask, and Damon takes it. ) Damon: Whoo. (He unscrews the cap and takes a swig.) Stefan: Mmmm.. ( Damon pulls the flask from his mouth quickly, his face pale, he looks down at it. His mouth still closed. ) Stefan: It's good, right? Damon: Um -uh. (He's holding the blood in his mouth even though it's disgusting, his lips contorted.) Stefan: Oh, yeah. I can't remember if that squirrel was roadkill or one I caught in the rat trap. ( Damon shakes his head, scrunching the side of his eyes, revolted. ) Stefan: Better hope it was roadkill, though, because the rat trap was full of rat droppings. ( Damon is still disgusted, white as a sheet. ) Stefan: Swish your tongue around. ( Damon does, his mouth pursed. ) Stefan (rubbing two fingers together): Does it feel like hair, or is it more of a grainy pellet? ( Damon finally manages to swallow it. ) Damon: Ugh - (He looks relieved,) ( Stefan takes a swig of it. ) ( Zach has a paper brown bag full of food and he's coming up the lawn toward the house, he waves. ) Damon: How's it going, Zach? What's up with all the grocery trips? Zach: Ah. One of the boarders is craving blueberry pancakes. (He continues his way to the house.) ( Damon is regarding his uncle while playing with the grease rag for the car. ) Damon: You know, maybe I should run the Salvatore boarding house - ( Zach walks up to the woman standing in the doorway, her belly bloated and she says "Hi" to Zach ) Damon: Take over for Zach, get in good with Gail. Stefan: She's on vervain. So is Zach, which means hands off. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PRESENT DAY - THE SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE, OTHERWORLDLY ] ( Kai is snoring on the couch. ) Damon (from the bourbon station): Perfect. Our savior's insane and narcoleptic. Kai: No, no, no, I'm awake. ( Damon, glass of bourbon in hand, walks over to Bonnie and stands beside her. ) Kai: Let me guess... You killed the pregnant woman. Damon: Shut up, Kai. You weren't listening. Kai: I was listening in my sleep. You were hanging out with your distant nephew Zach, who you called uncle Zach because that's not confusing. Plus pregnant lady Gail, who had a big bull's -eye on her chest. Got it. Bonnie (turns to Damon): Tell me you didn't kill a pregnant woman. Kai: Oh, that's totally what happened. Why else would today be his personal hell? ( Damon's expression shifts to angry ) Kai: Oh, here we go. ( Damon kneels in front of the table to face Kai, sitting his cup down. ) Damon: The only reason that you're alive right now is because I thought you could get us out of here and you could help us, but you don't HAVE any answers! You're just a man -child - (he picks up an empty jam can) - with Jam on your fingers! (He tosses the can to the side.) Kai: Okay then, to get home, we'll harness the power of the eclipse using a mystical relic. It's called an ascendant, and it looks like this, Damon (he picks up something, it's round, black and red.) The last time we had it, was in the pacific north west. (He opens a book, and sets it down.): Oregon. Bonnie: We? Kai: It belonged to my family. So, (He picks up the pocket knife.) here's a little blood to get you started - (He slits the top of his finger.) Now all we need, is a locator spell. (He stands, eyes on Bonnie.) To pinpoint its whereabouts. ( Damon stands slowly. ) Damon: Think you can find our ticket out of here, Bon -bon? Bonnie (unfazed): Hell, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ GARAGE ] ( Elena's looking at a picture of Stefan and Ivy. ) Elena: She's cute. Stefan: Was cute. Elena: I'm sorry. Stefan: Me too. But what's done is done. So, after taxes and social security and health ensurance, I'm left with 206,003 cents to spend for the week. Do you wanna get drunk? Elena: Stefan? Health ensurance? Stefan: Yeah. Point is to start over. Pretend to be as human as possible. Elena: Okay so no vampire previliges, no bagage, nothing from our old lifes whatsover, huh? (She points at Stefan's car.) What's this? Stefan: You got me there. Damon isn't around calling it granny -mobile, so ... Elena: Yeah, your brother really did love to torture people with nicknames. And just torture people. Stefan: That's one way to put it. Elena: So, your system for moving on requires both burning bridge and a dead -end -Job. Stefan: We haven't even gone for the fun part. Elena: Paying utilities? Stefan: No. Deciding we wanna be for the next thirty years. You wanna be an astronaut, you wanna be an olympic athlete, you wanna skip med school - boom, you're a doctor! Right? Challenge me. I show you how it's done. Elena: Alright, Let see what you got. Stefan: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [ HOSPITAL ] Jo: Quite a boozer, that kid. Put him on a saline drip he's lucky I didn't pump his stomach. Alaric: Yeah, you know, he's had a rough couple months. Jo: Did you bring him in here to put a Band -Aid on it and make some more excuses? Alaric: No, I acutally came here for some advice from a professional. Jo: Well, a kick in the ass might help. Jeremy too. Look. If he's anything like his sister, I'm sure he'll be fine. It's nothing I don't treat every single night on campus or didn't do myself when I was a student. Alaric Alaric: Okay. Jo: What about you? Born a party animal? Alaric: Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to get kicked out library all the time, you know. Because it was closing. Jo: Right. Head in a Wiccan bible? ( There's a boy with blood on his face next to them. Alaric smells the blood and tries not to show his vampire face. ) Jo: Okay, one more piece of professional advice: When a successfull, sexy and only moderatly insecure doctor is flirting with you, give her your undivided attention. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A BAR ] Elena: Caroline's laying low at the dorm, no sign of Sarah yet, which means she's either hiding out or she's planning her nightly news exclusive to out me. Stefan: Well, if she does out you then you start your life over somewhere else. With all the supernatural drunks. Elena: Right. Stefan: So, you're ready to see the system in action? Elena: Ready. Stefan: Alright. Hand over your ring. Elena: What? Stefan: Your ring. Elena: Okay. (Hands him the ring) ( Stefan knees down in front of her, holding up the ring. ) Stefan: Elena Williams. Elena (playing along): Stefan Cooper, what are you doing? Stefan: We'd known each other for a very long time now. And you've always been my best friend. I've always loved you. And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. Will you - Elena: Wait! You're not just proposing to me because I'm pregnant, are you? Stefan: No. No. I -I am proposing to you because you are my rock, ok? You have stood by my side through the multiple rehabs, the jail time, the bull fighting injury. I mean, you have brought me back from the edge, and, sweetheart, this baby is the best thing that ever happened to us. Will you marry me? Elena (with tears of joy in her eyes): Yes. ( The people in the bar start applauding and Elena and Stefan hug. ) Stefan (whipsering in Elenas ear): New identities, new lives, it's easy. (speaking up) Thank you all so much! [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] ( Bonnie is doing a locator spell. ) Bonnie: It doesn't feel right. Maybe I need a bigger map. Damon: Maybe you started practising, you suck at magic now. Kai: Ignore him, Bonnie. Pretend he's a white noise machine. That's how I used to tune out my siblings. I grew up with a ton of little sisters and brothers, you know, all of them constantly yammering. (He comes closer to Bonnie.) But it tought me how to focus. (He looks like he's about to kiss her.) Damon: Easy there, big brother! She doesn't know you. At least buy her a drink. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK ] Damon: May I call you Liz? Liz: Sure. Damon: Your daughter is so adorable Liz: Yeah. Caroline's high maintenance, but she's worth it. ( Near them, Zach is taking a picture of Gail. ) Gail: I'm so getting rid of that photo! Stefan, come, take a picture of Zach and me. Stefan: Sure. Zach: Thanks. ( Stefan takes the picture. ) Gail: And now back to my cravings. Stefan: Hey, what happened to your wrist? Gail: I don't know. ( Back at Liz and Damon. ) Liz: So how does this thing help us watch the eclipse? Damon: You put it between you and the thing that is too hot to look. (He puts it between Liz and himself.) Ah, it works. Liz (laughing): My husband will get to kick out you. We should you invite to dinner sometime. Stefan: Damon? What did you do to Gail? Liz: Is everything okay? Damon: Looks like the jig is up. (Compelling Liz) Hey. Look at me. Go home. Forget you ever met us. Stefan: How the hell did you feed on Gail? She's on vervain. Damon: Yeah, in her coffee. I swapped it out last week. Same for Zach. Stefan: These people are my friends. Zach is family. They trust me. Damon: They trust us both! Look, no feeding inside the house, right? Snatch, eat, erase. It's all completely functional, Stefan. I told you: soon start! ( Stefan snaps Damon's neck. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ BACK IN PRESENT TIME ] ( Bonnie is still working on the spell - now with a map of the whole States. ) Kai: The spell's leading to South Virginia. That can't be right. Bonnie: M -m, the spell's working. Showing we're in Mystic Falls. It feels so close. (The candles are beaming.) It's right here. (As she touches Kai's chest, the candles go out.) Kai: Very good. Bonnie: That's the ascendent? Kai: The one and only. Damon: Thanks for the mind games, jackass. Kai: It was just another little test. To make sure Bonnies magic was presice enough for the spell. I do believe, you're ready. Pack your bags - we're going home. ( BLACK SCREEN ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK ] ( Damon lies on the floor moaning. ) Stefan: So here's what I don't get, Damon. Why'd you insinuate yourself back into my life and then cheat and lie and break all the rules? Damon: Well, because I may be mad. Believe me or not, I like being here, Stefan. ( Damon stands up and tumbles in Stefan's direction. As he comes in contact with the sun light, his hand starts burning. ) Stefan: You get your daylight ring back, when you decide to behave. Now, answer my question: Why did you come back here? Damon: Because I missed my brother. I don't have a connection to my humanity, Stefan. I wanted to feel something again. And when I came back home, it all came rushing back, just like I hoped it would. Stefan: Congrats. Now what? Damon: Come on, man. Let's just hit the road, you and me. Huh? I'll let you drive my car, I'll get you off this vegan diet, teach you how to feed again. It'll be great, Stef. Huh? What do you say? Come on! Trust me. Stefan: Uh, I can imagine a road trip with you. I can imagine you feeding on innocent people and uh leaving a trail of bodies behind. I can image you making me drink human blood and laughing at my while i suffer. Damon: Way to be an optimist, Stefan. Stefan: Just looking at the facts, Damon. 1912 you convinced me to drink human blood again which is why I became a ripper. 1942 you almost pushed me out the rails again, because you were so damn needy. 1977 you left my best friend to die, after I sent her to come help you. And now I'm finally happy. I have a new life and doing well and you just can't handle that, can you, Damon? Damon: I'm not trying to screw up your damn new life. Stefan: You don't have to try, Damon. All you have to do is exist. Because no matter what I do or where I go, you will be with me forever, trying to destroy every single thing that I build. I don't know why I thought this time would be any different. I wanted it to be different. You just keep failing. Damon: Guess that's a no on the road trip, huh? Stefan: That's a NO on the road trip. [SCENE_BREAK] [ BAR ] Elena: So according to Caroline, Sarah's still M.I.A. and now Enzo's missing. Stefan: Probably out, killing someone else's girlfriend. ( When Elena is about to drink some beer, Stefan stops her. ) Stefan: Hey, hey, pregnant, remember? Elena: Dumbest lie I've ever told. Can I just take that one back? Stefan: No, but you'll have to reinvent yourself in 30 years. If you don't, people will start asking why you're not getting any older. Elena: But when I first met you, you said you'd been away from Mystic Falls for 15 years. What made you come back at half the schedule? Stefan: You said it yourself: I met you. Since 1864 I have been a carpenter, an ambulance driver, immigrant worker, high school student. Elena: So then why auto mechanic for 200 bucks a week? Stefan: No reason. Elena: Yeah, it must be hard. All that change without a constantly life. We haven't talked about your brother. Stefan: We are to refer that Damon is just my brother? Elena: What else would I call him? Stefan: I don't even know anymore. Elena: Anymore? What does that mean? Stefan: You know, it's ... uh ... it's not important. Things change, right? (He rises his glas) To change. Elena: Who cares what do people think, right? To change. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] Damon: You are wandering around like a crazy man, why? Kai: Looking for the exact right spot. We need to found where the power of the eclipse is focused. Bonnie: You know you could have just shown us the Ascendent to begin with. Kai: Yeah, but I wanted to feel your hand on my chest. Bonnie: There's something not right about him. Damon: You're just not used to guys hitting on you. Bonnie: You know I can't wait to get out of here and talk to somebody else. Damon: Can we just have a few lasting seconds of peace while this idiot uses that thing to get the stars to align? ( Bonnie picks up one of the paper planes, Damon made earlier, unfolds it and looks at it sceptical. ) Damon: Hey, what's up with the nature walk? Kai: I used the Ascendent to figure out where we need to be standing during the eclipse. Damon: Great. Let's do some magic and get the hell out of here. Bonnie: (whispering) Oregon. Damon: What? Bonnie: I read this paper like a thousand times and something in it about Oregon. Damon: What about it? Bonnie: You know Kai said he had all this brothers and sisters. Damon: Mhm. Bonnie: Family massacred in Portland. The only one missing was the oldest boy, 22 year old named Malakai. Kai: Who names a kid Malakai? It's like they expected me to be evil. Bonnie: All these kids were murdered! Kai: Hello! Not everyone died. I had a soft spot for one of my sisters. Cuz otherwise I would've cut her lungs out. And not just her spleen. Bonnie: What? Kai: You can survive without a spleen. Damon: Something tells me you're not speaking high pathetically. Kai: Well, these two, I, uh, hung off a stairwell railing. Then I put a hunting knife in her abdomen, and him I drowned in the pool. He kept fighting me. I was like, "I saved you for last, you ungrateful little..."Anyway, that was that. Bonnie: You just killed your whole family? Kai: Coven, to be precise. Oh, you know, family of witches. Damon: You're making a jump to whoops and you're a witch. Kai: Sort of, yeah. No powers, obviously. Oh, and of course, Gemini Coven did not take it too well what I did in Portland. So they banished me here. Bonnie: (to Damon) This place is a prison. (to Kai) They created it for you. Kai: Yep. This place isn't your hell, Damon. It's mine. ( BLACK SCREEN ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ IN THE WOODS ] ( Alaric and Jeremy are fighting. ) Jeremy: You call this a fair fight? You're basically an Original Vampire. Alaric: You've killed an Original before. Focus your head in the game and maybe keep it out of the bottle. ( Jeremy throws Alaric to the ground. ) Jeremy: Happy? Alaric: I'm trying to help you pull yourself together, Jeremy. Now what is your problem? Jeremy: My problem is that everyone thinks I shouldn't have one. I have the right to be myself right now. Bonnie is dead. She knew it was gonna happening and she said goodbye over the phone! Just so you - Alaric: Keep going so what? So I can come back to life, right? Jeremy: You, Elena, Stefan, Tyler, Enzo. She saved everybody but herself! Alaric: You wanna talk about resentment, huh? Is that it? My wife ran away, because she would rather be a vampire than be married to me. Came to find out it was Damon who turned her. And then she died. And then Jenna - she died. And then I died. And then the guy who killed my wife died. And I actually kinda miss him. And now I can't even talk to a girl without fantasising biting into her neck. I mean, Jeremy, I have resentment for years, YEARS! I get it. Okay? But I find a way to keep going. Because that's what we do: We find a way TO KEEP GOING! Ready? ( They go on fighting. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ BAR ] Elena: So, if we were to run into each other in some random town in 30 years, do we pretend like we're strangers? Stefan: Elena, I'm avoiding Mystic Falls, not you. We can talk, we can visit. ( They hug. ) Elena: Bye, Stefan. Stefan: Bye ( Elena leaves. Stefan talks to a guy sitting on the bar. ) Stefan: Hey, man. Noticed you weren't celebrating my engagement. How come? Guy: Hard to be happy for the guy who put my brother in a hospital? Stefan: Oh, right, right, right, okay. Remind me, which guy was it? Broken nose or fractured arm? I was kinda drunk. Still waiting for the congrats on my engagement. (He grabs the guys cheeks to make it seem like he is speaking.) I'm really happy for you. ( The Guy grabbs a glas from the bar and hits it against Stefan's head. ) Stefan: Don't know what you got. Come on Come on, man. Hit me. Come on. ( They start fighting ) Guy: You're freaking enjoying this, you sick freak? ( Elena re-appears ) Elena (compelling the guy): Go home, clean up and forget this ever happened. (to Stefan): What the hell are you doing? [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] Bonnie: I'm not letting Kai out of here, okay? He just said, he's a serial killer. Damon: I don't care. I wanna get out of here. Bonnie: How can you not care? Maybe because of the horrible things you have done? Maybe cause killing a bunge of kids is not a big deal to someone who has murdered a pregnant woman? Am I wrong? [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK ] Stefan (to Zach): Did you leave the door open? Zach: No. Why? ( Screaming is heard. They found Damon, surrounded by dead bodies, holding a scared Gail in his hands. ) Damon: This eclipse party blows. I didn't see the sun at all when I made it across the yard. I forgot how much stronger we are when we drink human blood. Gail (scared): Zach. Stefan: Damon, please don't hurt her. Damon: I want my ring back, Stefan. (Stefan throws the ring to Damon.) Attaboy. Stefan: I'm never gonna be right at you, am I? Damon: No. I do not. Cause in 1912 I showed you who you were, Stefan. In 1942 I gave you your freedom and in 1977 I almost killed your best friend because it should have been you there to help me, Stefan. You owe me and it'll take you an eternity to pay me back. ( Damon kills Gail. ) Damon: An eternity of misery, brother. Just like the promise. [SCENE_BREAK] [ BACK IN PRESENT TIME ] Kai: Ouch. Poor nephew -uncle Zach. Damon: Stefan compelled uncle Zach to forget about the girlfriend and the baby. But he couldn't cover up all those murders. Founder's council was restarted and Stefan took off, left Mystic Falls for about 15 years. We both did. And when I saw uncle Zach again, I couldn't look at him without remembering that I ruined everything. So it was a releave when I got to kill him. Can we go back now? Kai: Oh, come on, Bonnie. You wanna go home to your friends, I wanna go back and give the rest of the Gemini coven an excruciating death. Win -win. Damon: Look, Bonnie, but I gotta get back. Not just for Elena, but for my brother. Bonnie: Sorry, Damon. Kai: Sorry doesn't work for me. ( He is about to grab Bonnie, when instead Damon grabs [i]him. )[/i] Damon: We may be having a bit of an disagreement, but don't ever lay a hand on her. Kai: Kind of a non-issue now. Missed today's eclipse. Rain check for tomorrow. Bonnie: No. [SCENE_BREAK] [ IN TRIPP'S CAR ] Matt: You and the Sheriff. Don't seem to get along. Tripp: Oh. Liz and my wife were high-school rivals, some issue about who was captain of the field hockey team. Matt: You were married? Tripp: I was. Yeah, Chris died in a car accident. Matt: Sorry. Tripp: So I left Mystic Falls. Too many memories. Matt: So what did you tell the Sheriff about Jay? Tripp: Just what I saw. Uh, tons of blood. Probably a mountain lion. Matt: Just another animal attack, huh? Tripp: You sound awful. Matt: This is gonna sound weird. But last night Jay told me that he was tracking a vampire. I mean that's crazy, right? Tripp: I'm gonna show you something. [SCENE_BREAK] [ BAR ] Stefan: I thought you agreed to leave. Elena: I forgot my jacket, Stefan. What happened with that guy? Stefan: Told you I have a system. Elena: Letting somebody kick your ass ... so that you can feel? Stefan: You are the last person who should be lecturing me on coping mechanisms. Elena: You're not alone in your grief, Stefan. I lost Bonnie when you lost Damon. But I fought through it. Stefan: All by yourself. Elena: Yes. And it was hard. I know that you're pushing me away because I never liked Damon. Stefan: Believe me, that's not what it is. Elena: I know that he's your brother, i get it. But why inflict so much pain to yourself for such a hateful person? I mean, he doesn't deserve your grief. I mean, there's gotta be another way so you can move on. Stefan: I'm sorry that I can't just forget him like you, Elena. Elena: No one's forgetting him. Stefan: You are. You erased him. Elena: What are you talking about? Stefan: You had Alaric compell you to forget every good thing that Damon ever did. You made him a monster in your own mind because you couldn't handle the grief of losing him. Elena: I don't believe anyhting that you're saying. Why would I do that? Stefan: Because you were in love with him and he was in love with you. And when Damon died, a part of you died too. Elena: Wow. What? No. No. Stefan ... how can I possibly love Damon? Stefan: Believe me, I asked myself that for a very long time. And eventually I saw it. Damon inspired you. He pushed you to own the darkest parts of yourself. And when you died, he was the only one that could made you feel alive again. And you made him feel human. You loved Damon for the same reasons that I loved Damon. Because in spite of every single thing he did, we couldn't live without him. Now you don't have to - but I do. So, I do it my way. You do it yours. ( Elena stares at him speechless. ) ( BLACK SCREEN ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS ] Matt: What is this place? Tripp: A secret. A secret I only share with people I trust. Remeber the gas leak in town over the summer? Well, I came back to make sure my grandmother was ok. First time I've been back in years. When I crossed town boarder, something changed. Memories came flooding back. And I realised, that my wife didn't die in a car accident. She was murdered. Drained of her blood right in front of me. And the killer made me believe, I was responsible. And I found out what kind of monster could do all that. ( Tripp opens a door. Enzo is sitting on the ground chained. ) Tripp: They are real, and one murdered my wife, but this is the one who murdered Jay, and I'm gonna get him to name all his vampire buddies, starting with the one who bit your friend Sarah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] Jeremy: Sarah? Sarah: You try anything and I call 911 and out your vampire sister to the world. Jeremy: Just take it easy. What do you want? Sarah: Answers. I found this (she shows him a picture) when I was tossing the house last night. That's my mum. And the reason I know this is because I've had this (she shows him another picture) since I was a baby. My mum was a Jane Doe Her body was still warm and entered the hospital six months pregnant. But one doctor did an emergency C -section and I survived. Three months in an incubator. They didn't know who my dad was. And neither did I. But then I found this (she shows him another picture. Jeremy takes it.). Jeremy: Your dad is Zach Salvatore. Elena: How could you obliterate an entire chapter of my life? Alaric: Look Elena, as much is I'd like to think that I am full of wisdom, I think it's time we stop pretending that I actually know what's best, okay? Look, I've got my own issues to solve right now and I think that this will explain it much better than I can. (He hands Elena a little blue book.) Elena (reading out loud): Dear me, if you're reading this than somebody spilled the beans about your selective memory loss. My mind is on Caroline. Yes, you loved Damon. You loved him with a passion that consumed you. And then when Damon died, the void you feeled was too deep, too dark. Facing an eternity without your soulmate you went of the deep end. You turned into someone that you weren't. A monster. Alaric will restore your last memories - all you have to do is ask. But I hope that you don't. I tried it the other way and I didn't see an end to the pain. I want you to rediscover yourself in absence of who defined you. If you feel any hope for the future at all, then you're already better off. You've been given a chance to start over. I want you to take it. I want you to be happy. Alaric: So, what do you want me to do? Elena (hands him the book): Can you hold on to that? And keep it save in case I ever need to read it again. [SCENE_BREAK] [ SALVATORE BOARDING HOUSE ] Damon: Shame eating? Bonnie: Thinking about that pregnant Lady. She had a thing for pancakes. Damon: That's what you remember? Bonnie: You remember it, don't you? You make pancakes every day. Damon: Cuase I'm bored. Bonnie: No. Cause you're punishing yourself. You call this place your hell and it makes you feel remorse. That makes you different from Kai. There is hope for you. Damon: Look. We can still get out of here, Bonnie. We can just steal that ascendant contraption, find out what Kai knows. We'll ditch him. Because he ain't got powers anyway. Kai (suddenly appearing at the door): Actually it's not that simple. Damon: You gotta stop doing that, creepy. Kai: Here's a thing: I have a killer effect on magic. I can't generate it myself. But I can consume it from others temporarely. My family callled me an abomination. That hurt my feelings. ( He grabs Bonnie's wrist. Bonnie and Damon start moaning in pain and the stove catches fire. ) Damon: Okay, get it! Kai: You can see why my coven and I didn't get along. Damon: I smell an ultimatum. Kai: If I consume all of Bonnie's magic I'm just gonna end up killing her. But if we work together, we can all go home as friends. Or I can develop her magic, kill you both and go home alone. What's it gonna be? ( He sits down at the table and starts eating the pancakes. ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ GARAGE ] ( Stefan's working on his car. Someone's watching him. He turns around, but can't see anyone. ) Stefan: Hello? ( He goes on being concerned with the car. A person enters the garage. STefan turns around again. The person is revealed to be Ivy, her face full of blood. ) Stefan: Ivy. Ivy: Stefan. I don't feel so good. Your friend Enzo drink his blood and now I'm so thirsty.

When Damon and Bonnie realize that uncovering a time from Damon's past may provide clues to finding their way back home, Damon is forced to relive one of the worst days of his life. After an awkward run-in with Jo at the hospital, Alaric steps in to help Jeremy get his life together and cope with the loss of Bonnie. Meanwhile, in Savannah, Stefan attempts to show Elena what it is like to start over and create a new identity, while unsuspecting Matt finds himself in a disturbing situation when Tripp lets him in on a dark secret. Lastly Stefan, who is desperate to regain some normalcy in his life, is stunned when Ivy shows up as a vampire.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_25x01

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_25x01_0

REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS PART ONE Run time: 24:33 [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. SPACE [SCENE_BREAK] (Planet Earth in space while a sound montage of cultural speakers from the 1960s... A dalek mother ship approaches the Earth.) J F KENNEDY (O.C.): Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. M L KING (O.C.): I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up... [SCENE_BREAK] [ OPENING TITLES ] [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. OUTSIDE COAL HILL SCHOOL [SCENE_BREAK] (A school bell rings and the playing children pile into the school yard. The DOCTOR and ACE emerge from a corner, the TARDIS behind them. ACE's ghetto blaster is at full blast. A young girl across the road stares at ACE.) ACE: What's she staring at? DOCTOR: Your clothing's a little anachronistic for this time period (Takes notice of ghetto blaster) And that doesn't help... (The DOCTOR switches off Ace's ghetto blaster.) ACE: Well, it's not my fault this decade got no street cred. I mean, look at that kid. (ACE turns to look at the girl again. But she is gone. The DOCTOR suddenly becomes aware of the black van parked beside the road.) DOCTOR: Strange... ACE: Oi, professor, can we get something to eat now? (The DOCTOR turns to Ace.) DOCTOR: You're not carrying any Nitro-9 explosives in there? ACE: No. DOCTOR: What do you make of that van? ACE: Dunno. TV detector van? DOCTOR: No. Wrong type of aerial... For this time period, that's a very sophisticated piece of equipment. ACE: What's so sophisticated about that rig? I've seen better aerials on a CB... Professor, I'm hungry! Lack of food makes me hungry, ya know. DOCTOR: Lack of food makes you obstreperous... Why don't you go and buy some consumables? There's a cafe down there. While I undertake a detailed and scientific examination of that van that has so singularly failed to grab your attention. ACE: Right. (ACE begins to walk off.) DOCTOR: Ace! (ACE stops and turns back to the DOCTOR.) ACE: What? (The DOCTOR slides up from behind the van holding a small bag in his right hand.) DOCTOR: Money. ACE: Oh. (ACE approaches the DOCTOR and takes the small bag.) ACE: Thanks. (ACE walks off again while the DOCTOR circles the van. The mysterious girl appears from the doorway.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CAFE [SCENE_BREAK] (ACE enters the cafe. She approaches a table and places her ghetto blaster and her baseball bat on it. Yet unnamed, MIKE watches this weird girl. ACE sees a jukebox playing in the corner of the cafe. She approaches it. The jukebox plays "Return to Sender".) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: EXT. OUTSIDE COAL HILL SCHOOL [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR climbs up from a ladder on the side of the van. He balances on top of the van roof. He measures the length of the sophisticated aerial with his umbrella. The mysterious girl watches. Returning the umbrella to his pocket, the DOCTOR takes a silk from his pocket and ties it onto the aerial end. He looks about. The DOCTOR estimates something and points across the road. The mysterious girl disappears.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CAFE [SCENE_BREAK] (At the bar, ACE bashes an ashtray with a knife.) ACE: Service! Oi! Anybody home? MIKE: Not like that. (ACE turns to MIKE, who gets up and approaches the bar.) ACE: Like what then? MIKE: Like this: Oi! Harry! Customer! (ACE covers her ears.) MIKE: Like that. ACE: Right. HARRY: Coming. MIKE: See. It's easy when you know how. (MIKE returns to his table. HARRY appears.) HARRY: Right. Give it a rest Mike. I had enough of that during the war... Er, can I help you, miss? ACE: Oh yeah. Four bacon sandwiches and a cup of coffee, please. HARRY: Four bacon sandwiches and one cup of coffee. Righty-ho. (ACE empties the small bag the DOCTOR gave her earlier on the cafe bar. She squints at the weird coins.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: EXT. COAL HILL SCHOOL PLAY GROUND [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR peers into the schoolyard. The mysterious girl is playing hopscotch on the gridded playground, singing. The DOCTOR runs over to a dark patch on the floor. He brushes his finger against it and tastes. The DOCTOR approaches the girl, intending to talk to her. The girl stops and runs off.) DOCTOR: She doesn't talk to strangers... Very wise... (The DOCTOR puts his umbrella handle into the breast pocket of his jacket. He pulls out a small measuring device. Looking at it, the DOCTOR returns the device to his pocket and walks off.) (The mysterious girl watches the DOCTOR from afar just within the Boys toilet doorway.) GIRL: (Singing) Five, six, seven eight. It's a doctor at the gate. [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. OUTSIDE COAL HILL SCHOOL [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR exits the school playground. He suddenly runs across the road and over to the mysterious black van, he pulls the back door open and jumps inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. BACK OF VAN [SCENE_BREAK] (A woman, RACHEL, sits before several measuring machines. The DOCTOR sits down in front of them. RACHEL mistakes the DOCTOR for someone else.) RACHEL: You took your time. Get on the radio and tell the Captain. I think I've located -- DOCTOR: The source of magnetic fluctuation, perhaps. (The DOCTOR reaches forward and begins adjusting mechanisms on the machines.) RACHEL: A path fluctuation, yes. DOCTOR: I thought so... Any possibility of natural phenomena? RACHEL: Not likely. It's a repeated sequence. DOCTOR: So, it's artificial in origin. RACHEL: Yes. Excuse me? DOCTOR: Yes? RACHEL: Who are you? DOCTOR: The Doctor. RACHEL: I'm Rachel. Professor Rachel Jensen. DOCTOR: How do you do? I'm sure I've heard of you. (Suddenly a voice comes over the communication equipment. RACHEL pulls up her headphones and flips a switch.) VOICE: Red 4. Red 4, come in please. RACHEL: Red 4 receiving. Listen, Group Captain, there's this man... What? ... On my way. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. OUTSIDE THE TARDIS [SCENE_BREAK] (ACE and MIKE walk along the pavement beside the parked TARDIS.) ACE: 12 pennies to the shilling. 8 shillings to the pound right? MIKE: No. 20 shillings to the pound. That makes 240 pennies in a pound. Where are you from anyway? ACE: Pervaile. Why? Oh, this is a stupid system. 12 pennies to the shilling, 20 shillings to the pound, right? MIKE: Yeah. Are you from somewhere else? ACE: No ... So what's half a crown? MIKE: Well that's easy -- RACHEL: Sergeant! (MIKE runs over to RACHEL beside the van.) ACE: Sergeant? RACHEL: The Group Captain says he's under attack. We have to get moving. (MIKE runs to the driver's seat and RACHEL runs to the passenger side of the van. The DOCTOR pops out from the back of the van.) DOCTOR: Ace, get in here! (ACE runs up and jumps into the van. RACHEL pulls the passenger door open.) RACHEL: Matthews is hurt. MIKE: Where are they? (RACHEL sits in the van and holds the side of the door.) RACHEL: At the secondary source, Totters Lane. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. TOTTER'S LANE JUNKYARD [SCENE_BREAK] (Group Captain GILMORE lays a rug over Matthews. The van approaches the junkyard gates. People surround the gates. MIKE pulls the van up. A policeman stands there.) MIKE: Military. (The policeman nods his acceptance. The gates are opened and the van drives in. The gates are closed again. The van parks and ACE and the DOCTOR jump out from the back of the van. The DOCTOR approaches Group Captain GILMORE who helps RACHEL out of the van.) DOCTOR: What's the situation? GILMORE: Who the devil are you? DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor and this is Ace. You must be with the military. GILMORE: Well, how do you know? DOCTOR: I'm very perceptive. GILMORE: Is he with you professor? RACHEL: Yes. GILMORE: Smith. MIKE: Sir? GILMORE: Take the girl and set up a position by Red 6. MIKE: Yes, sir. Come on, Ace. (MIKE and ACE head off for Red 6.) GILMORE: You better come and take a look. (Group Captain GILMORE, the DOCTOR and Rachel walk over to the covered Matthews. The DOCTOR pulls back the cover and unzips Matthews' overalls. He places his hand through Matthews' shirt.) DOCTOR: No evidence of tissue damage... Ah, massive internal displacement. GILMORE: What? DOCTOR: His insides are scrambled. Very nasty. RACHEL: The effect of the blast? DOCTOR: No. A projected energy weapon. GILMORE: Projected what? RACHEL: A death ray? DOCTOR: Very succinct... I presume you've got reinforcements coming. GILMORE: Any minute now. (The DOCTOR leaves RACHEL and GILMORE with Matthews to examine the presumed dangerous area from behind some "junk".) GILMORE: This is preposterous. A death ray? It's unbelievable. (The DOCTOR overhears GILMORE.) DOCTOR: What a predictable response. (ACE and MIKE run over to the black van.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. RED 6 VAN [SCENE_BREAK] MIKE: Miss Williams. (Nothing.) MIKE: Allison! (ALLISON appears.) ALLISON: Sergeant, at last! How's Matthews? MIKE: He's dead. Is Blue 1 responding? ALLISON: What? Blue 1 yes. They'll be here in a minute. Dead, are you sure? [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. JUNKYARD [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR returns to GILMORE and RACHEL) DOCTOR: Whatever fired that weapon's trapped in there. There's no way out. GILMORE: How can you be sure? DOCTOR: I've been here before. (The reinforcements turn up. The truck stops and a SERGEANT exists the front seat.) SERGEANT: Right, everybody out! (He bashes the side of the truck with his hand.) SERGEANT: Come on, quickly. Move it, move it. (The soldiers pile out of the truck and line up behind it.) SERGEANT: Squad, atten'shun! (The soldiers stand attention.) GILMORE: Stand at ease! (The soldiers do so.) GILMORE: Right, now, the situation is this: we have an armed hostile pegged up in that lean-to shed. I want the squad to cover the entrance. No firing unless I give the command, is that understood? (The soldiers nod their acceptance.) GILMORE: Remember he's armed and hostile, so keep under cover as much as possible... Sergeant. SERGEANT: Sir. GILMORE: Detail some men to clear these civilians. SERGEANT: Yes, sir. (The SERGEANT departs and heads towards the end of the patrol line up.) SERGEANT: You two, come down with me and we'll sort this lot out. (The two soldiers stand at attention and follow the SERGEANT towards the arguing public.) SERGEANT: All fall back as far as possible, please. There is nothing to be seen here. GILMORE: Smith. MIKE: Sir? GILMORE: Take two men and get Matthews out of here. MIKE: Yes, sir... You two, fall out, follow me. (MIKE runs off with the two soldiers behind him.) DOCTOR: I don't think you realise what you're dealing with here. GILMORE: Doctor, I assure you that these men are hand picked. They can deal with anything... provided they can see it. Right men, take up positions. (The soldiers do so. The DOCTOR joins ACE and ALLISON beside a black van. MIKE and two soldiers run over to Matthews.) MIKE: Take his arms. Move him back to the truck. (The soldiers do so and drag Matthews over towards the truck. An energy bolt suddenly fires across the junk yard hitting one of the soldiers dragging Matthews. He flies backwards and into some metal roofing.) DOCTOR: Down! (The DOCTOR, ACE and ALLISON duck behind the van.) GILMORE: Covering fire now! (The soldiers, MIKE and GILMORE open fire on the lean-to shed.) GILMORE: Cease firing! (They stop. The DOCTOR and RACHEL run over to the truck Gilmore stands behind.) GILMORE: Get down! RACHEL: What was it? DOCTOR: That was your death ray. RACHEL: I know that... but how? To transmit focused energy at that level, it's incredible. It's... DOCTOR: Yes? RACHEL: It's... beyond the realm of current technology. GILMORE: If you could save the science lecture for a less precipitous moment. Now perhaps, Doctor, you could tell me what is going on? DOCTOR: You must pull your men back now. It's our only chance. GILMORE: It's preposterous. We can't disengage now! Whatever's in there, my men can handle it. Sergeant! DOCTOR: Listen to me, Brigadier! GILMORE: Group Captain. Group Captain Gilmore! DOCTOR: Nothing you possess will be effective against what's in there! (The SERGEANT runs up behind the DOCTOR and RACHEL.) SERGEANT: Sir? GILMORE: Three men, rifled-grenades. Even spread, left right and centre. Fire on my command. SERGEANT: Yes, sir. (The SERGEANT runs off.) DOCTOR: Captain, you're not dealing with human beings here. GILMORE: What am I dealing with? Little green men? DOCTOR: No. Little green blobs in bonded-polycarbite armour. (The SERGEANT runs up behind the truck again.) SERGEANT: The grenades are ready, sir. DOCTOR: Group Captain Gilmore. GILMORE: Fire. DOCTOR: Humans. SERGEANT: Fire! (The grenades are fired. And the shed is torn to pieces. ACE runs up behind the truck and to the DOCTOR's side.) ACE: That's some serious hardware. Did you see that, professor? Unsophisticated, but impressive. GILMORE: Smith! MIKE: Sir? GILMORE: Get on the radio and call up Blue 4 and 6. Tell 4 to pick up an ambulance on the way. MIKE: Yes, sir. DOCTOR: It doesn't matter how many men you get here. It isn't going to make any difference. GILMORE: Doctor, my men have just put three high-explosive grenades into a confined area. Nothing even remotely human could have survived that. DOCTOR: That's the point group, captain, it isn't even remotely human. (MIKE runs over to a black van, jumps in and pulls the door shut. He picks up a large walkie-talkie thing and activates it.) MIKE: Blue 4, Blue 4, this is Red 6, come in please. BLUE 4: Red 6 receiving. MIKE: Blue 4, Group Captain Gilmore requests that you pick up an ambulance and proceed to Bravo Delta. (Suddenly another energy bolt blasts through the van window and hits a group of barrels some distance behind it. The soldiers open fire on the shed again.) GILMORE: Cease firing! Cease firing! (The firing stops.) GILMORE: Wait for a target! (Suddenly a grey-coloured dalek appears.) GILMORE: Fire! (They all open fire on the dalek. It fires back.) DOCTOR: Aim for the eyepiece! (The DOCTOR turns to ACE.) DOCTOR: Ace, give me some of that Nitro-9 you're not carrying. (ACE opens her rucksack.) DOCTOR: Quickly. (ACE hands the DOCTOR a can.) DOCTOR: And another. (ACE hands the DOCTOR another can.) ACE: It's my last can. DOCTOR: I should hope so too. (The DOCTOR begins to run off but stops and turns back to ACE.) DOCTOR: Erm... How long? The fuse? ACE: 10 seconds. DOCTOR: That's long enough. (The DOCTOR runs off towards the dalek. GILMORE points his gun round the front of the truck. RACHEL is behind him.) GILMORE: When I tell you, head for the entrance. Take the girl with you. RACHEL: Then what? GILMORE: I'll meet you back at HQ. Go now, Rachel! (GILMORE fires his "chunky" weapon. The DOCTOR takes shelter behind a barrel.) DOCTOR: Oi, dalek! (He whistles his attention for the dalek.) DOCTOR: It's me... the Doctor! ... What's the matter? Don't you recognise your mortal enemy? (The dalek starts to head towards the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR turns away from is and pulls the caps off the top of the Nitro-9 cans with his teeth. The firing squad cease firing.) DOCTOR: (Three, four, five, six...) (The DOCTOR places the cans of Nitro-9 on the ground. He heads off, just as the dalek reaches the explosives. The explosives reach their countdown and explode as the dalek just crosses over them. The DOCTOR jumps to the ground.) GILMORE: Smith! ACE: Doctor! (ACE runs over to the DOCTOR and helps him up.) DOCTOR: Ace, you said ten seconds. ACE: Nobody's perfect, Professor. Are you all right? DOCTOR: Of course I am. Can you drive? ACE: Why? DOCTOR: Good, I thought so. Get in there. (The DOCTOR and ACE jump into a squad van as RACHEL and ALLISON run over to the remains of the dalek.) GILMORE: I want an emergency team here at the double. Put a guard on that thing. Inform command HQ; we will be returning there at once! And I want a weapons team at the Coal Hill School. MIKE: Sir. (MIKE starts to head off.) GILMORE: And Smith! (MIKE stops and turns back.) GILMORE: And I want them armed with ATRs. MIKE: Yes, sir. (RACHEL dips her pencil into the green remains of the dalek creature. GILMORE walks up behind them, looking at the remains.) RACHEL: It has an organic content. ALLISON: Or occupant. GILMORE: What the devil is it? [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. VAN [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR and ACE sit in the truck.) DOCTOR: A dalek. Only trouble is, it's the wrong dalek. (ACE is trying to start the van's engine while the DOCTOR cleans his clothes, hat and umbrella.) ACE: Is the right one better or worse? DOCTOR: Yes... Choke. ACE: No, thanks. (The DOCTOR leans forward and pulls the engine choke. The van starts up immediately. MIKE appears at the van window.) MIKE: What do you think you're doing? DOCTOR: Borrowing your van. (ACE drives the van off through the junkyard gates.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. VAN [SCENE_BREAK] ACE: These Day-leks... DOCTOR: Daleks. ACE: Oh, Daleks. Where are they from? DOCTOR: From Skaro, or at least originally. They're the mutated remains of a species called the Kaleds. Left here. ACE: When were the left here? DOCTOR: No. Turn left here. ACE: Oh right. DOCTOR: No left! You missed the turning! ACE: What turn? Where? DOCTOR: Why don't you concentrate on where you're going? ACE: Look, I'm doing the best I can! If you don't like it, you drive! (The van enters a dark tunnel. ACE suddenly finds herself in the passenger seat and the DOCTOR at the driving wheel.) DOCTOR: The Kaleds were at war with the Thals. They had a dirty nuclear war. The resulting mutations were then accelerated by their chief scientist, Davros. What he created them, he then placed them in a metal war machine. And that's how the Daleks came about... ACE: So that metal thing had a creature inside controlling it? DOCTOR: Exactly. And ever since the Daleks were created they've tried to conquer and enslave as much as the universe as they can get their grubby protuberances on. ACE: And now they want to conquer the Earth. DOCTOR: Nothing so mundane. They conquer the Earth in the 22^nd Century... No. They want the Hand of Omega. ACE: What's that? DOCTOR: One thing at a time, Ace. (The van drives off round a corner.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. COMMAND HQ CORRIDOR [SCENE_BREAK] (GILMORE exits a door. MIKE and RATCLIFFE appear.) MIKE: Sir. GILMORE: Yes, sergeant? What is it? Who is this man? MIKE: Sorry, sir. This is Mr Ratcliffe. He's brought some of his men, I think they can be of some use to us. GILMORE: You do, do you? (GILMORE turns to RATCLIFFE.) GILMORE: Mr Ratcliffe. RATCLIFFE: Please to meet you, sir. (RATCLIFFE extends his arm offering a handshake.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. COMMAND HQ CONTROL ROOM [SCENE_BREAK] RACHEL: We must get that dalek to a well equipped laboratory. ALLISON: And a half-decent biologist. RACHEL: What do you do think we should do? ALLISON: You're the Scientific Advisor, it's your decision. RACHEL: Before I make any suggestions I want to catch up with the Doctor. ALLISON: Who is he anyway? RACHEL: Someone who knows a lot more about Daleks then we do. When I get hold of him I'm going to get some answers out of him... or... ALLISON: Or what? RACHEL: I'll set you onto him. ALLISON: He certainly seems to have a detailed knowledge of the Daleks. And given that they are not terrestrial, it is possible that he is... RACHEL: Not of this Earth ... An alien? ALLISON: I just wish he was more obvious. You know, if he had green skin or antenna sticking out of his head or something. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. OUTSIDE COAL HILL SCHOOL [SCENE_BREAK] (The van rolls up and stops beside the road. The DOCTOR and ACE jump out of the van. The DOCTOR carries ACE's rucksack. He struggles to take it off through the arm with his umbrella attached.) ACE: Why are we here? DOCTOR: This is where Rachel detected the primary source of the transmissions. (The DOCTOR hands ACE her rucksack. In her other hand is her ghetto blaster. ACE follows the DOCTOR towards the school. The DOCTOR and ACE begin to enter the school. The mysterious girl watch the DOCTOR and ACE.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL [SCENE_BREAK] (The HEADMASTER pins up a piece of paper on the notice board. He notices the DOCTOR and walks over.) HEADMASTER: Ah. (The HEADMASTER walks over to the DOCTOR and ACE as they enter. The DOCTOR raises his hat taking the HEADMASTER's hand.) DOCTOR: Good Afternoon. HEADMASTER: And you would be? DOCTOR: The Doctor. And you? HEADMASTER: I'm the Headmaster here... Doctor, eh? Well, you're a bit over-qualified for the position... but... if you would like to leave your particulars and references. DOCTOR: References? HEADMASTER: You are here for the position of school caretaker? DOCTOR: Oh, no. We're here for a completely different reason. HEADMASTER: Oh... what can I do for you then? DOCTOR: Well, we would like to look round your school, if you don't mind? HEADMASTER: I'm afraid that is out of the question. DOCTOR: We've got reason to believe there is a great evil at work somewhere in this school. HEADMASTER: You will have to be more specific, Doctor. (Suddenly the HEADMASTER draws his finger to behind his left ear as his higher power gives him orders.) HEADMASTER: But I don't think it would do any harm... if you were to have a quick look round. DOCTOR: Thank you. HEADMASTER: My pleasure. (The DOCTOR and ACE walk off leaving the HEADMASTER standing there.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: COMMAND HQ CONTROL ROOM [SCENE_BREAK] GILMORE: Smith. MIKE: Sir? GILMORE: Are the anti-tank rockets being issued? MIKE: They're being taken direct to their position, sir. An additional consignment is going to the school. GILMORE: Good. Any news on the Doctor's whereabouts? MIKE: Red 4 has been seen in the Coal Hill area, sir. GILMORE: He must be heading back to the school. RACHEL: What is happening about the dalek? MIKE: Don't worry. It's under guard... It's safe. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. TOTTERS LAND JUNKYARD [SCENE_BREAK] (RATCLIFFE's men pull the remains of the dalek casing onto a truck.) RATCLIFFE: Right, get the tarpaulin over it. (They do so.) RATCLIFFE: Come on lads... Let's see you move.... Right, let's go. (RATCLIFFE and man enter the front seats of the truck, while the others stay on the back of the truck. The truck drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL SCIENCE LAB CLASSROOM [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR and ACE enter the classroom. The DOCTOR plays with the scientific equipment.) ACE: You were expecting this Daleks, weren't you? DOCTOR: Yes. They're following me. ACE: I wouldn't be so happy if I had a bunch of Daleks on my case. DOCTOR: You can always judge a man by the quality of his enemies. (The DOCTOR disappears to the classroom window while ACE jumps up onto the lab table. She picks up a large black book, the cover reads "THE FRENCH REVOLUTION".) DOCTOR: Come and look at this. (ACE puts the book down and walks over to the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR opens the classroom window and leans outside.) DOCTOR: What do you make of that? (The DOCTOR points down towards the playground.) ACE: It's a playground. DOCTOR: The burn marks. See them? ... Well? ACE: A landing pattern for some kind of spacecraft, isn't it? DOCTOR: Very good. ACE: But this is Earth, 1963. Someone would of noticed, I would have heard about it? DOCTOR: Do you remember the Zygon gambit with the Lock Ness Monster? Or the Yetis in the Underground? ACE: The what? DOCTOR: Your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception matched by only its ingenuity when trying to destroy itself. (The DOCTOR walks off to a lab table and plays with a beaker. ACE closes the window.) ACE: If the Daleks are following you, what are they after? DOCTOR: When I was here before, I left something behind. ACE: You mean the Hand of Omega? DOCTOR: Yes. (The DOCTOR walks out the classroom door. ACE follows.) ACE: What is the Hand of Omega? DOCTOR: Something very dangerous. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. WAREHOUSE [SCENE_BREAK] (RATCLIFFE pulls the tarpaulin off the dalek casing.) VOICE: Report. (RATCLIFFE walks into his office. In the corner is a mysterious person sitting within what appears to be dalek base.) RATCLIFFE: My men have recovered the machine. The Doctor is co-operating with the military. VOICE: That is to be expected. I must be informed of his movements. RATCLIFFE: Yes, yes. We have our contacts. I will see that he is followed. (RATCLIFFE places his umbrella on a stand.) RATCLIFFE: That dalek machine. VOICE: Yes? RATCLIFFE: I should like to know exactly what it is? VOICE: The machine, a tool. Nothing more... [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. COAL HILL SCHOOL OUTSIDE CELLAR [SCENE_BREAK] (The DOCTOR and ACE step down a staircase.) ACE: What are we looking for? DOCTOR: Ssh. Whoever it was landed their spaceship in the playground... ACE: And that would be? DOCTOR: More Daleks. ACE: Great. I thought it might be something really nasty (!) DOCTOR: Ah, the cellar. Could be in there... ACE: Why the cellar? DOCTOR: Good place to put things... cellars. (The DOCTOR opens the cellar door. They both enter. The HEADMASTER watches them from his office door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. CELLAR [SCENE_BREAK] ACE: I wish I had some Nitro-9. DOCTOR: So do I. ACE: What are you expecting to find down here anyway? DOCTOR: The unknown. ACE: Oh. Isn't that a bit dangerous? DOCTOR: Probably. But then if I knew what was down here, I wouldn't have to look. (ACE takes her baseball bat from her bang. The two further down the cellar steps and find a transmat machine. ACE steps onto the platform.) ACE: This is some severe technology. (The DOCTOR begins to examine the transmat controls. He opens a panel.) DOCTOR: Yes. Very elegant, very advanced. Flock circuitry elements... ACE: What is it? DOCTOR: A transmat. A matter transmitter... but transmitting from where? ... Think about 300 kilometres. ACE: Professor? ... Something's activated it. DOCTOR: Very unlikely. It's probably got an automatic activator... (Pieces of a dalek creature suddenly materialise on the transmat platform.) DOCTOR: What? You're right! Something is beginning to come through. ACE: It's another dalek. DOCTOR: Excellent. ACE: Will this one be friendly? DOCTOR: I sincerely doubt that. (The DOCTOR turns to the transmat controls.) DOCTOR: Now if I can just get the transmitter to de-phase at the critical point... ACE: Doctor! DOCTOR: Any moment now. Quick! Down! (The DOCTOR and ACE jump to the floor. The dalek emerges and suddenly disintegrates and disappears. ACE and the DOCTOR get up from the floor.) ACE: The controls have gone dead. DOCTOR: Yes... The de-phase must have caused an overload. ACE: What did you do to it? DOCTOR: Well... I persuaded one half of the dalek to materialise where its other half was materialising. The two halves tried to co-exist at the same point. The resulting reaction destroyed it... Dangerous things, transmats... ACE: So no more Daleks can be transported through here? DOCTOR: Well, it will show them down a bit until the operator can repair the systems. ACE: The operator? DOCTOR: Yes, the Daleks usually leave an operator on station in case of any malfunctions. ACE: And that would be another dalek...? (Realising what ACE just said the DOCTOR looks round at her.) DOCTOR: Yes. DALEK: STAY WHERE YOU ARE! DO NOT MOVE! (A cream and gold dalek appears from the darkness of the cellar and heads straight for the DOCTOR and ACE.) DOCTOR: The stairs! (ACE heads up the stairs and through the door. The DOCTOR struggles up the stairs. ACE bumps into the HEADMASTER.) ACE: Oh sorry. (The HEADMASTER knees ACE in the stomach and pushes her to the ground. He looks the cellar door.) DOCTOR: Ace! Ace! Open the door! Hurry! Open... (The DOCTOR turns around to see the dalek hovering up the stairs towards him. It has its gun centred on him. The DOCTOR backs against the locked cellar door.) DALEK: YOU ARE THE DOCTOR. YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF THE DALEKS! YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

The Doctor and Ace land on Earth and the Doctor is curious about a parked van with a strange antenna. The Doctor and Ace then go to I.M. Formans junk yard with the military scientists and discover a alien presence.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_08x01

fd_One_Tree_Hill_08x01_0

RIVERCOURT Halley, sitted on a table, writes a letter with Lucas. HALEY(voice-over): Dear Lucas, I know that I could call you or e-mail you or skype you or whatever, but there's something about putting pen to paper that feels...Right for us. It seems these days I have so many thoughts in my head that if I don't get them out, I might explode. I wanted you to know that Tree hill misses you, the Rivercourt misses you... And I miss you. ALEX'S HOTEL ROOM Chase discusses with Alex. CHASE: You know, I don't think you're actually supposed to replace the stuff in your hotel room. ALEX: Oh, whatever. I'll be out of here soon anyway. Think I might get a place of my own, maybe stick around a while. CHASE: Wow. Sounds kind of normal and stable. ALEX: There. Perfect. Well, almost. Say you'll go out with me, and then it will be. CHASE: Okay. Yes. (Chase receives a message of Mia) BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke sat on the settee. BROOKE: You know what I like best about the movie? JULIAN: What's that? BROOKE: You get the sense that they're all gonna live happily ever after. JULIAN: Hmm. They are. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan is reading a book in his bed, Haley joins him. NATHAN: You okay? HALEY: These aren't sad tears. They're happy tears. NATHAN: All right. Well, how 'bout from now on we do smiles for happy instead? HALEY: I'm pregnant. I think it's gonna be a girl. NATHAN: Oh, my... HALEY: Nice work, daddy. CLAY'S HOUSE Quinn and Clay are lying on the settee. CLAY: Hey. QUINN: Hmm? CLAY: You're falling asleep. Why don't you go to bed? QUINN: Mnh-mnh. I like it here. CLAY: I like it here, too. But you sleep like a rock, and you're too long to carry. QUINN: You're mean. You say I'm too long, and you say I lose things. CLAY: But I also love you. And the truth is that without you, I'd be the one who's lost. QUINN: Nice save. I love you. CLAY: I love you, too. Quinn will lie down, enters the room and Katie draws to him above. Clay heard the shot. CLAY: Quinn! Quinn! (Quinn returns in the living room) QUINN: What's wrong? CLAY: Are you okay? QUINN: Of course. I'm fine. CLAY: Come here. QUINN: Baby, what happened? CLAY: I, um... I just...I... I-I must have fallen asleep. You're okay? QUINN: Yes, I'm fine. We're fine. Okay? I'm right here. I always will be. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Haley are lying. NATHAN: It's like a dream. This night. The way you look and the way you are. My life. Tomorrow I leave for my job in the NBA. I leave this house that I own, my miracle of a son, my wife who is so far out of my league, I hope she never figures it out. Yeah, I want a daughter just like you. I want to look into her eyes and feel my heart break because she reminds me so much of her beautiful, kind, strong mother. HALEY: Mm... What if we have a boy? NATHAN: Then we'll sell him, try again. I missed that laugh. HALEY: Aww. NATHAN: Are you feeling okay, baby? Are you feeling less of that weight, that darkness? HALEY: Yeah, I feel like me. And I feel like yours. That feels good. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke are lying. JULIAN: Where'd you go? BROOKE: I was thinking about Jamie's snow fort. Peyton and I used to build snow forts. And we'd sit inside and worry about what our worlds were gonna be like. It's like we'd hide from it all. But I think if we could have seen. What our lives were gonna be, we wouldn't have believed it... How lucky we'd be... How lucky we are. All of us. JULIAN: That ring looks sexy on you. BROOKE: You look sexy on me. JULIAN: Mm. I've been thinking about this whole "we're not able to have a baby" thing. And I was thinking maybe we should try for a few hours. BROOKE: Oh. Oh. JULIAN: And then try again for a few more hours. BROOKE: Uh-huh. JULIAN: And then I'll wake you up in the morning, and we can try all day tomorrow. BROOKE: Sounds perfect. That's good. JULIAN: I know you, Brooke Davis. BROOKE: You sure do. ONE TREE HILL - GENERIQUE NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan is involved with the assistance of Jamie. JAMIE: 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50! NATHAN: Good man. Thank you. You know, when camp starts tomorrow. You'll be a big part of the reason why I'm ready. JAMIE: Yeah, I know. NATHAN: You don't seem too excited about that, buddy. JAMIE: No, I am. I mean, I'm glad you're a bobcat. I just wish you didn't have to leave. NATHAN: Yeah, I know, Jamie. Okay. You ready? JAMIE: Mm-hmm. NATHAN: All right. JAMIE: Do you think the other bobcats do this workout? NATHAN: I don't know, buddy. Probably not. Ohh. One more. All right. You ready? Uh-huh. Hey, so, uh, I was thinking you might want to come out on the road with me this season. JAMIE: You mean with the team? NATHAN: Yeah. You just got to keep your grades up, help your out around the house like I know you can. JAMIE: Oh, I will. NATHAN: Attaboy. Oh, and, uh... Clay said you can ride with him to home games this year. I think you're old enough for that, don't you? JAMIE: Totally. NATHAN: All right. (Halley enters the house) NATHAN: Oh, and, um... I'm also gonna need you to look after your mom While I'm gone. All right? It's just the three of you now. Well, four, actually, if you count Chester. JAMIE: No, three with Chester. HALEY: Um, actually, it's four with Chester. JAMIE: I don't get it. HALEY: Well, looks like we're gonna have another baby. JAMIE: Really? HALEY: Yeah! JAMIE: Sweet! I'm totally gonna have a brother like you and lucas, dad. NATHAN: Or a sister. JAMIE: Yeah. Or that. HALEY: He's your kid. CLUB TRIC Mia joined Chase in Tric. MIA: Hi. CHASE: Hey. MIA: How was Utah? CHASE: It was -- it was good, you know? Julian's movie is really good. MIA: Good. MIA: Did you get my text? CHASE: I did. I just didn't reply because... (Alex arrives) ALEX: Morning, boyfriend. Oh... Hello. Whoops? BRULIAN'S HOUSE Brooke looks at magazines of marriage, Julian awakes. BROOKE: Good morning, fiance. JULIAN: Oh, no. Not again. BROOKE: "Not again" what? JULIAN: This happens all the time. I sleep with a girl, and then the next morning, it was so amazing, she starts planning the wedding. BROOKE: Be careful, mister. Speaking of, Peyton says hi. JULIAN: Oh. Ouch. BROOKE: Mm-hmm. JULIAN: By the way, we don't need any of this stuff because I've been planning my dream wedding since I was 9. BROOKE: Seriously? JULIAN: Pink-and-black color scheme, first dance "hopelessly devoted to you," peonies for the flowers, and a pineapple orange torte cake. Did I mention I loved "grease 2"? BROOKE: I'm sorry I'm gonna have to disappoint you, princess, but this bride will be wearing A clothes over bros original, the flowers will be exotic white roses, our first dance will not be to a song by Olivia newton-john, or Elton john, or lil' jon for that matter. But you might be able to talk me into that orange pineapples cake. If I don't decide to do red-velvet cupcakes, 1 'cause that's what all the cool kids are doing right now. JULIAN: Well... I should probably get another job. BROOKE: Here's the great thing about that.I have a few bucks squirreled away. I own a clothing line, you know. Clothes over bros. You might have heard of it? JULIAN: Oh, you're that Brooke Davis. Like, the rich Brooke Davis. BROOKE: I am she. JULIAN: Oh, I chose wisely. BROOKE: You did indeed. I believe we have plans for the day. JULIAN: I'll see you in the shower. BEACH Quinn and Clay are lying on sand. QUINN: Your scruff is tickling me. CLAY: God, you smell amazing. Did I ever tell you that? And you taste good, too. QUINN: You taste good. Mmm. This is nice. CLAY: Yeah, it is. QUINN: What are you thinking? CLAY: I'm thinking... Your feet are enormous. QUINN: Hey! CLAY: How did I not notice those? You have dude feet! QUINN: Babe, stop! Is that a phone in your pocket, or did my feet do that to you? CLAY: Actually, I left my phone at home today. QUINN: You didn't bring your phone? CLAY: Non. That is totally my crotch. RIVERCOURT Nathan makes some shootings. JAMIE: Nice shooting, dad! Should we finish up on the road? NATHAN: Sure. Do Madison square garden. JAMIE: Okay. Scott, you suck! You hear me talking over here? Yeah, you, fella. You score again, and my cousin Angelo has you whacked! Bada bing, bada boom! NATHAN: All right. Now do Boston. JAMIE: Get outta the "garden," Scott! You shoulda stayed in your cah, ya retard. NATHAN: Hey! Don't say "retard." JAMIE: I'm just saying, I heard someone call you that in Boston last year. NATHAN: All right, but you don't say it. Los Angeles. JAMIE: Yeah. So I was thinking sushi. Yeah. I'm at the game. Nah, I don't know the score. I'm not even watching. Man, Nicholson got wrinkly. NATHAN: Attaboy. I'm gonna miss you, buddy. JAMIE: Yeah. Me too. So, that baby thing. How does that work? NATHAN: What? JAMIE: Mom's gonna have a baby, right? I just wondered, you know, how? NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan explain to Haley what Jamie required of him. HALEY: You said the basketball hoop was like my uterus. NATHAN: He caught me totally off guard. He was like a ninja. Like a three-foot-tall, "where do babies come from?" ninja. HALEY: Where did you leave it? NATHAN: Kind of uncomfortable and confused. And that was just me. I just started babbling about the birds and the bees, and he was just sitting there looking at me like, "my dad was totally my hero until this very moment when I realize he's actually a complete ass." HALEY: Hmm. NATHAN: He said he was gonna talk to you. HALEY: Great. Thanks a lot. NATHAN: Yeah. Good luck with that. Hey, so I've been thinking a lot about this, and... I think you and Jamie should come to Charlotte with me. HALEY: Today? NATHAN: This season. HALEY: Okay. I'm not sure what kind of job the boy can get with his third-grade education, but... NATHAN: You can home-school him. Look, I feel bad about the timing of this and everything with the pregnancy and... HALEY: My depression? NATHAN: Yeah. HALEY: Listen. I'm okay. I feel better. And when I'm not, I'll tell you. NATHAN: You promise? HALEY: I promise. NATHAN: Okay. HALEY: Although I really appreciate the fact that my sexy husband doesn't want to leave home. Besides, if we go with you, you're gonna have to give Jamie the s*x talk with me. NATHAN: That's a good point. I'll miss you. HALEY: I'll talk to him. Hey, have you spoken to clay today? I've been trying to get ahold of Quinn. I want to tell her that we're pregnant, but she's not answering her phone. NATHAN: Uh, actually, Clay has this thing where he didn't talk to me the day before a road trip and I played great. So he usually blows me off the day before I travel. Besides, did you see those two in Utah? They probably haven't even left the bedroom. HALEY: Sick. Party foul on the mental image. Although Clay looks kind of hot. NATHAN: Watch it, you. I'll probably stop by there on my way out of town. I might have to give them "the talk, " too. HALEY: Yeah, 'cause you did so well with it the first time. NATHAN: Damn it. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian starts to read new scripts. Brooke arrives out of underclothing. BROOKE: Did you find your next movie yet?! JULIAN: Brooke, I'm on page 3 of the first script. BROOKE: So, does that mean you're gonna read all day instead? JULIAN: Why, what'd you have in mind? BROOKE: "grease 2"? JULIAN: Yeah. I like your idea better. Let me get my t-bird jacket. (Julian leaves in the room, Haley enters the house) HALEY: Hey! BROOKE: Hi! HALEY: So, that's a cool jacket. What is that, "grease"? BROOKE: "Grease 2," actually. HALEY: Oh. I never saw that movie. So, what's going on? BROOKE: Uh... (Julian come back in) JULIAN: Ready for my greased lightning! HALEY: Oh. Oh! Oh! Ew! Ew! Oh, my god. I'm sorry, you guys! Uh, speaking of that, I'm pregnant. Don't hate me. BROOKE: Congratulations! (Haley go out) BROOKE: Selfish baby haver. Oh... Your "greased lightning"? CLUB TRIC Chase and Alex discuss at the bar. ALEX: I'm sorry about the "boyfriend" comment. I mean, not that I said it, but... On second thought, I guess I'm not really sorry about it. CHASE: It's fine. It's just... Mia texted me. She thinks maybe we made a mistake. Maybe we did. But the timing was completely brutal. I mean, not the timing of you and me, just the timing of the... Whole thing. I don't know. I know I like you, Alex. Well, don't just sit there. Make a case for yourself. You're dirty. ALEX: I like you, too. And I want to be close to you. Grubbs is on tour, right? So you need a bartender. CHASE: Alex, your movie just blew up. ALEX: At the festival. But it hasn't been released yet. So it's better that I wait. Anyway, when it's a big hit, I'll have the power to shoot my next film in north Carolina, near my new boyfriend. So what do you say, bar manager? Want to boss me around? BEACH Quinn and Clay go along the sea. QUINN: So, you think I should take that job in south Africa? Clay? You okay? CLAY: I just realized that I haven't seen a single person on this beach the entire day. Have you? QUINN: No. CLAY: Do you know what that means? QUINN: What? CLAY: Skinny dipping. BRULIAN'S HOUSE Julian and Brooke speak about Haley. JULIAN: So, Haley's pregnant again BROOKE: Yeah. It's gonna be really good for them. She's been so sad since her mom died. Now they'll have a new baby. I'm really happy for her. JULIAN: Mm. Little selfish, though. BROOKE: Totally selfish. They already have Jamie, and we can't even have one. JULIAN: So greedy. BROOKE: Maybe we could kidnap this one. JULIAN: Or maybe you could meet me in the bedroom, and I could romance your ovaries some more until they surrender. BROOKE: "ovaries" isn't very sexy. JULIAN: No. I know. I'm gonna change. (Somebody knocks on the door) BROOKE: At least I have pants on this time. (Brooke opens the door, this's police) POLICEMAN: Brooke Davis? BROOKE: I was totally joking about the kidnapping thing. POLICEMAN: You're under arrest. BROOKE: What?! Wait. Why?! What did I do?! Julian! Julian! NALEY'S HOUSE Haley looks himself in the mirror. Jamie surprises her. JAMIE: How long will it take? HALEY: Geez, you scared the... Life out of me! You are like a little ninja. JAMIE: Sorry. Just wondered when the baby was gonna get here. HALEY: Well, that won't be for a while. Usually it takes about nine months. Your dad said you had some questions about that. JAMIE: Yeah. He just babbled something about... Basketballs and eggs and stuff? He said you'd explain it. HALEY: Oh, he did, huh? JAMIE: Yep. BED ROOM RECORDS Haley explains the situation with Mia. HALEY: I said something about Chester falling in love. MIA: Awesome. HALEY: No, it's not awesome. I'm looking at my son who was born, like, three weeks ago, and he's asking me about s*x! And I have to tell him that Chester the bunny rabbit is falling in love and getting married. And it was just really bad. Speaking of which, did you hear Brooke and Julian got engaged? MIA: Geez. What else happened in Utah that I missed? HALEY: Um... MIA: Alex and chase? Yeah. I heard about that. HALEY: I'm sorry, Mia. MIA: Don't be. It's my own fault. Hey, speaking of slutty, congratulations on being pregnant. HALEY: Oh, tha-- thank you. I think. Just don't ask me to explain it to you. I know. I'm a nerd. I have to go. Okay. Hey... If I haven't said it lately, I want you to know that it means a lot to me that you came back to help with the label. MIA: Hales, of course. As long as you're feeling better. HALEY: I am. Thanks. And good luck, by the way. MIA: Why? HALEY: Alex is gross. Pick Mia. PRISON Brooke waits in room of interrogation, Julian calls Victoria. JULIAN: Well, I assume she'll be released, but that's not the point. No, the press isn't here yet - also not the point. The point is, Brooke's been arrested, and you're her business partner and her mother. So you need to get Alexander's dingo. Out of your wallaby and fix it. Now! HOSPITAL Nathan returns visit to his doctor. DOCTOR: You feel any pain here? NATHAN: No. DOCTOR: Here? NATHAN: No. Is everything okay? DOCTOR: Yeah, I just want to run some tests. Haley returns visit to her doctor. DOCTOR: You feel any pain here? HALEY: No. DOCTOR: Here? HALEY: Nope. Everything okay? DOCTOR: I just want to run some tests. JULIAN'S CAR Brooke left the police station. JULIAN: So, your mom is gonna meet you at the store with Millicent, and your attorney should be there shortly. Is there anything I can do? BROOKE: You're doing it right now. Just take me to the store. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke wait explications from Victoria and Millicent. VICTORIA(on phone): Well, just have him call us the minute he lands, and do not speak to anyone else. Okay? Do you... yeah. Well, I have to go. Honey. BROOKE: Don't! Before you say another word, you should both know that I have just come from the city jail. Where I was frisked by a large supposedly female cop who was very thorough in her cavity search. Now speak. VICTORIA: Honey, it's not that bad. BROOKE: Not that bad? Not that bad?! I was just arrested... And...Explored by a woman with a mustache and man hands! When you look up "bad" in the dictionary, this is it! MILLICENT: I had her. Man hands. VICTORIA: You're being dramatic. BROOKE: Oh, yes. I sure as hell am being dramatic, because there are three people who run this company... VICTORIA: Actually, two, lately. BROOKE: What is that supposed to mean? VICTORIA: It means that you have been a little... Absentee of late. BROOKE: And you've been a little slutty of late, old woman, getting railed by Alexander. MILLICENT: Maybe we should all just calm down. BROOKE: Great idea, Millie. Do you have any cocaine we could snort?! MILLICENT: That's not fair. BROOKE: Well, when you get arrested, you can stop playing fair. I am being charged with accounting fraud, financial misrepresentation. What are they talking about? VICTORIA: They're saying that we lied to our investors about our profit. BROOKE: Did we? MILLICENT: Brooke... VICTORIA: Don't speak. MILLICENT: You're not the boss of me. VICTORIA: Which, let's face it, is completely ridiculous! MILLICENT: What's that supposed to mean? VICTORIA: It means we have a half-ass assistant and part-time model running a multimillion-dollar company! And zero is a size, by the way. MILLICENT: And 50 is an age, by the way. VICTORIA: I am not 50. BROOKE: Okay, stop! Both of you. VICTORIA: I am barely 40. MILLICENT: And I'm only a 2. BROOKE: Stop! These charges. Lying to our investors... Tell me we can fix this. Tell me that we can prove. That this is a mistake. VICTORIA: Honey, listen to me. MILLICENT: No. It's not a mistake. JAMIE'S BEDROOM Chuck plays on Jamie's computer. CHUCK: I can't believe your parents talked to you about the s-e-x. That's so cool! Tell me again what they said. JAMIE I told you...Just a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense. CHUCK: Well, maybe we can find it on the internet. JAMIE: I tried. CHUCK: Uh, yeah. That was before I disabled your parent-protection settings. JAMIE: Dude, no. You have to put that back! CHUCK: It's no big deal. JAMIE: It is a big deal! I'm not supposed to mess with that. I promised! CHUCK: You want to find out where babies come from or not? JAMIE: Move. Okay, I guess I'll type in "mom"? No. "lady"... And "rabbit"? CHUCK: Ooh, put "s*x" in there, too! JAMIE: Ew! What the heck is that?! CHUCK: Hey, my mom has one of those! (Haley enters in room) HALEY: Okay, Chuck... JAMIE: I didn't do it! I don't like it! RED ROOM RECORDS Mia talks with Chase. MIA: Did you have s*x with her? CHASE: It wasn't like that. MIA: I don't even know why I asked that. It doesn't matter. CHASE: It does matter. But it wasn't like that. MIA: But you like her. CHASE: Mia, you broke up with me by text message. MIA: And then I tried to fix it. CHASE: By text message. MIA: Yeah, but you were in Utah, and...Nobody talks on the phone anymore. CHASE: Well. I'm sorry, you know? It's just... Alex asked me out in person. MIA: And what'd you say? CHASE: I said yes. NALEY'S HOUSE Jamie explains his gesture. JAMIE: I said no. Just so you know, when chuck wanted to mess with the computer, I said no. NATHAN: But you did it anyway. Two weeks. No computer, no cellphone. JAMIE: But, dad... NATHAN: We can make it three. HALEY: This is not about your being curious. Being curious is okay. It's just about your computer and the promise that you broke. Do you understand that? JAMIE: I just don't understand about...Rabbits and bees and eggs and basketballs. NATHAN: Okay, here's the thing, buddy. Um... It's my last day home before camp. So we can either talk about this, or we can play the new "gears of war" game I got you as a going-away gift. It's in your room. JAMIE: Sweet! I'm sorry. HALEY: Jam... NATHAN: What? That is gonna buy us at least another year. Make war, not love, babe. HALEY: Oh ho ho. Pushing your luck. CLOTHES OVER BROS Millicent discuses with Brooke. MILLICENT: I said no. Just so you know... When I figured out what Victoria was doing, I said no. BROOKE: But you did it anyway. MILLICENT: You know how she is. BROOKE: Oh, she's always been that way. MILLICENT: We have a meeting with our attorney this afternoon. BROOKE: Why did you do it? Why did she do it? Lie about our profits? MILLICENT: We needed investors for the men's line. We believed in the line, and we wanted to launch it, but...The economy never rebounded. So we lied to investors and told them we were more profitable than we are. Victoria thinks she can fix it. BROOKE: She's wrong. Once a company's financial integrity is challenged, it's...Over. Integrity. You remember this? That was my first sale in tree hill. You wrote that check to spite Victoria. That day. It's amazing... How far we've fallen. NALEY'S HOUSE Nathan joins Haley on the terrace. NATHAN: I never asked you about the doctor. How'd it go? HALEY: Oh, um, great. Everything's fine. You? NATHAN: Same. Everything's fine. HALEY: You ready to go? NATHAN: Yeah. I thought I'd stop by clay's on the way out of town, tell Quinn to call you. HALEY: Thanks. NATHAN: I also maybe threw your things in the car. Jamie's too. Thought I could make you change your mind. HALEY: I wish. We're gonna miss so much. NATHAN: Yeah. About that. We have money. You have time. Stash the kid with brooke and get my baby, and my other baby, to Charlotte as much as possible. Promise me. HALEY: I promise. Cross my heart. NATHAN: All right. Don't make me ground you. No. You've seen how I lower the hammer. I don't mess around. HALEY: I have. It's pretty scary. NATHAN: Come here. HALEY: Mmm. I love you. I'm in love with you. It's nice after all this time. NATHAN: It's everything after all this time. HALEY: Yeah. CLUB TRIC Chase learns to Alex to make cocktails. NALEY'S HOUSE Haley continues to write her letter for Lucas. CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke sees her store to empty itself. CLUB TRIC Alex comes to see Mia. MIA: Can I help you? ALEX: Hey. I... I just... I-I know you have a history with chase, and I hope that there's no hard feelings. It must've been a surprise...Me and chase. MIA: No, not really. It's what you do, right? Break up couples? ALEX: Yeah. It kind of is. But not this time. You screwed this up all by yourself, didn't you? MIA: You can go now. ALEX: By the way, I plan to make him happier than you ever did, so you should probably just give up and move on now. Okay? Great. Now I can go. CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian joins Brooke on the store. BROOKE: Everything's gone. JULIAN: I'm not. BEACH Clay and Quinn are lying on sand. CLAY: I dreamt that I lost you. You went to bed, and... Something terrible happened. And I couldn't save you. QUINN: Why didn't you tell me? CLAY: Because... I didn't want to ruin today. QUINN: You didn't. Today was perfect. CLAY: I'm glad. What do you say, you, uh... get dressed and let me watch? QUINN: I can do that. (Quinn puts on again her Tee-shirt and discovers that she has blood on her belly) QUINN: Clay? CLAY: Hey, babe. QUINN: What's happening? CLAY'S HOUSE Clay enters the room and is made drawn top by Katie. CLAY: Quinn! BEACH QUINN: Clay! CLAY: It wasn't a dream. CLAY'S HOUSE Nathan knocks on the door. NATHAN: Clay! Nobody opens then he sets out again. It calls Clay but he does not answer. Indeed, Clay and Quinn in the room are covered with their blood. End of the episode.

After being shot and left for dead by Katie Ryan, both Clay and Quinn fight for their lives while they have an out of body experience of being at the beach. Meanwhile, Haley and Nathan prepare to tell Jamie about the pregnancy. Brooke is arrested after it's discovered that Victoria and Millicent falsified profits and lied to investors to fund the men's line "Clothes 4 Bros". Also, Chase and Alex work together at the bar. This episode is named after an album by Rogue Wave . Opening theme song performed by Gavin DeGraw .

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x18

fd_Gilmore_Girls_05x18_0

STARS HOLLOW [Town residents are standing in a long line going into a large brick house with massive white columns. Lorelai and Sookie are near the back of the line, with Davey asleep in his stroller.] LORELAI: Ugh, raisins. What are the pruney red things? SOOKIE: Dried cranberries. LORELAI: Gone. What's this? SOOKIE: Carob. LORELAI: Adios. SOOKIE: Okay, why do we buy trail mix if you're going to pick everything out? LORELAI: Well, they've ruined trail mix. Used to be simple. Now they put too much stuff in it. Your mouth doesn't know what to expect with any given bite. Will it be fruity? Will it be granola-y? Will it be chocolate substitute-y? What's this? SOOKIE: Soybean. LORELAI: Bah, squirrel food! [She throws the soybean on the ground.] [Taylor, ahead of them, turns around.] TAYLOR: Ladies, please. We're saying good-bye to Mr. Twickham. SOOKIE: So? TAYLOR: The man's on his deathbed. Show a little respect. LORELAI: Taylor, Old Man Twickham's been dying for twenty years. MISS PATTY: This is my seventeenth time saying adios. LORELAI: Yeah, I think you have the record, Patty. SOOKIE: I forget, when was the last time we thought he was dying? MISS PATTY: It's been a good two years. LORELAI: I remember now. The last time - the rain? SOOKIE: We got drenched. LORELAI: Made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer. TAYLOR: Ladies, please! You may not be respecting this moment but all the rest of us are. [Kirk walks by carrying an assortment of flags, beach balls, hats, and other souvenirs.] KIRK: Get your Twickham souvenirs here! Twickham souvenirs! I've got your bats! I've got your balls! I've got your foam fingers! Get 'em before he's gone! [Andrew walks by.] LORELAI: Oh, how's Mr. Twickham looking, Andrew? ANDREW: A little tired. LORELAI: Well, dying is exhausting. ANDREW: Yeah, he's thinking of taking a break and picking up again tomorrow. SOOKIE: Ugh, no. LORELAI: We've been waiting for an hour. ANDREW: He's kind of distracted anyway. The whole time I was there he was Tivo-ing through a fresh Summerland. [Andrew leaves. Sookie turns to Lorelai.] SOOKIE: Do we have time to come back tomorrow? LORELAI: Uh, no. Not really. [She calls out.] Hey, everybody? Um, keep it quick in there, okay? "Good morning, Mr. Twickham. Good-bye Mr. Twickham." And then vamoose. SOOKIE: He should really start dying earlier in the day. LORELAI: Yeah. [Digging in the bag of trail mix.] Ugh, green stuff? Come on! [She throws it.] What's green? OPENING CREDITS YALE DORMS - RORY'S BEDROOM [The score from a Star Wars movie is playing loudly from the common room. Rory's cell phone rings.] RORY: Hello? [Scene cuts between Lorelai's kitchen and Rory's room.] LORELAI: He's dead. RORY: Who? LORELAI: Old Man Twickham. RORY [disbelief]: No! LORELAI: Yes! RORY: It's got to be a mistake. LORELAI: It's not. The man is gone. RORY: I don't believe it. I mean, are you sure? LORELAI: There's no breath left in him. The light's gone out of his eyes. He smelled the burnt almonds. He's feeding the worms. He's chatting up his grandpa. He is the old man formerly known as Twickham. RORY: Wow. I can't believe he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life. LORELAI: And I just got my good-bye in. He was about to close shop for the day but we got in, told him good-bye and that we'd miss him, we left and then apparently he just closed his eyes. Muttered something about Lori Loughlin and that was that. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: He's never died before. LORELAI: I guess there's a first time for everything. Kirk's happy, though. His dying caused a run on souvenirs. [She looks at the beach ball, hats and flags on her counter.] RORY [disapproving]: Tacky. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. Tacky. So, are you coming home this weekend? RORY: Probably not. Maybe next week. LORELAI: Okay. I just always like to check. RORY: So, I should go. Sorry about Old Man Twickham. LORELAI: Got to move on. I hear Old Man Ketchum has a nasty cough. Could turn into something. RORY: That's the spirit. Bye. [She hangs up the phone and goes out into the common room. Paris is slumped on a chair, wearing pajamas, remote in hand.] RORY [shouting over the movie]: Pathetic! PARIS: What? RORY: Nothing important, I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic! PARIS: Back at you, sister. RORY: I am not pathetic. PARIS: Oh, come on. We're in the same situation, except you're in denial. RORY: I'm not in denial! PARIS: I haven't seen Logan lately. RORY: Well, why don't you call him up, then? Bet he misses you. PARIS: Is he missing you? RORY: Good-bye. PARIS: Have fun pretending the sky is green. RORY: Yeah, have fun re-enacting the Maxell tape ad. [Rory slams the door behind her. Paris furiously turns up the already-too-loud volume.] STARS HOLLOW - SOPHIE'S MUSIC SHOP [Lane and Zach enter. Sophie is behind the counter.] ZACH: Hey Soph. SOPHIE: You wash your hands? ZACH: Front and back. SOPHIE: Let's see 'em. ZACH: So we're never going to forget the peanut butter on the sitar? [He holds up his hands.] SOPHIE: Good God, man, have you heard of hand cream? ZACH: Okay if we walk around? SOPHIE: Carefully. Hi, Lane. LANE: Hi, Sophie. [Zach and Lane take a few steps. Zach starts whispering to Lane.] ZACH: Show her the thing. LANE: Something like that's very self-conscious. ZACH: It's why you brought it. LANE: I know. ZACH: So, show her. [Lane walks back over to the counter.] LANE: So, Sophie Bloom. Your last name's Bloom. SOPHIE: Thanks for the info. LANE: I was looking through some old vinyl I have. I don't have much, because I was born right on the cusp of the CD revolution. But I originally had a record player. A Snoopy record player. Boy, I love this record player. And shutting my door and listening to music on it - SOPHIE: Oh, my God, Garrison Keillor, what is your point? LANE: I saw the name "Sophie Bloom" on this album - the one non-Christian one my mother allowed me to have. It just popped out at me and I was wondering - [She hands the record to Sophie.] SOPHIE [a little repulsed]: Oh, this thing. LANE: So, it's you. You wrote these songs. SOPHIE: Long time ago. LANE [gushing]: I think this is amazing! Because I want to do more than just drum. I would like to write and compose and I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and just talk about music, because I think you have so much you can pass on to me. Woman to woman. Really, just coffee sometime. My treat. SOPHIE: Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town, if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done, and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV, we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes. LANE: It's a date. [Smiling, she re-joins Zach as he browses.] LUKE'S DINER - NIGHT [Luke is cleaning up when Lorelai enters.] LUKE: Hey, there she is, the woman of the hour! LORELAI: Apparently that's me. [They hug.] LUKE: I am blown away by this! LORELAI: Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful. LUKE: Well, well, I'm talking about the article. You're going to be on the cover of a magazine! That's a big deal! LORELAI: Well, it's the inn, it's not me, but yes, it is a big deal! LUKE: So, how'd they tell you? They phone you, or they, you know, they e-mail you? LORELAI: They just said they were so impressed by the inn, they were so impressed by my story- LUKE: It's a great story. LORELAI: Well, it's a little thin, when you compare it to War and Peace, but [SCENE_BREAK] LUKE: What? You started with nothing. It's a great story. The magazine's pretty good, too. I did some research. LORELAI: Oh. Research? [He pulls out a few magazines from under the counter.] LUKE: Yeah, I got a bunch of back issues and I read them. I tried to figure out who should interview you. Okay. Alicia Kensington. Staff writer, too green and way too stiff. Too many adverbs. Frederick Fairmount. Pff, he talks more about himself than the person he's interviewing. Something boozy about him, too. LORELAI: I don't think they let you pick who's going to interview you. LUKE: Well, just in case they offer. But this is big. [He touches her arm.] LORELAI [smiles]: Yeah, I guess it is. [She sees the window between the Diner and the ice cream shop, taped up with newspaper.] LORELAI: Oh! What happened there? LUKE: Eh, what do you think? Taylor. LORELAI: How did Taylor break the window? LUKE: How do you think? By being Taylor. LORELAI: Taylor's Taylor-ness can now break glass? LUKE: You know what I mean. He's doing something, and crash, bang, there you go. Hey, is it, uh, six yet? LORELAI: Uh, a little past. LUKE: Ah, shoot. Town meeting's started. LORELAI: So? LUKE: So I thought we'd go. I mean, you like those things, right? LORELAI: Uh, yeah, but you don't. LUKE: Yes, but, this is your big night, you know, with the article and everything. Look, why don't we hit the town meeting and then we'll go get something to eat, like a little celebration? LORELAI: Oh, sounds good! LUKE: Yeah, great! Let's go, we got to, we got to hurry. LORELAI: Okay. [He hurries her out the door.] STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING [Taylor is addressing the town with Kirk standing next to him.] TAYLOR: Come on, people! It's not that complicated. KIRK: I don't want to be a burden. TAYLOR: Patty? What about that couch you have at the back or your studio? [Patty opens her mouth to respond, but is cut off by Kirk.] KIRK: In her freezing cold studio with no insulation and no heat. Sounds great. [Taylor continues as Luke and Lorelai sneak in the back and sit next to Sookie.] SOOKIE [whispers]: Hi. LORELAI: Hi, what's happening? SOOKIE: Problems with Kirk's schedule. LORELAI: Ah. Can't Sheriff Taylor just let him share a cell with Otis for the night? MISS PATTY: Well, maybe the Morris' will take him again. KIRK: Their kids stuck things in my nose. MISS PATTY: Well, then, lock the door when you sleep! KIRK: It wasn't while I was asleep. SOOKIE [whispering to Lorelai]: Hey. How'd you drag Luke here? LORELAI: He wanted to come. KIRK: I'll just sleep outside in the gazebo. I would ask, though, that if I die from exposure, don't just dump me in the landfill. MISS PATTY: No one's dumping you in a landfill, Kirk. TAYLOR [regretfully]: It's against regulations. Let's pigeonhole this matter for now, people. Get on to our next order of business. It's the matter of the estate of the late Joshua Twickham. As you know - LORELAI [whispers to Sookie]: You bring food? SOOKIE: After the trail mix fiasco, I wouldn't dare. [Luke shushes her.] SOOKIE: Sorry. [Lorelai and Sookie exchange an amused look.] TAYLOR: I am happy to say that this beloved elder was generous even on his deathbed. Mr. Twickham has left his beautiful home to the town. [The townspeople murmur.] KIRK: Is his deathbed still there? I'm not picky. LUKE: What does that mean, to the town? TALYOR: Luke! What are you doing here? LUKE: Just keep going, Taylor. TAYLOR: He left the house to the Historical Society along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia. His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum. LUKE: A museum? TAYLOR: Are you going to interrupt me the whole meeting? LUKE: I'm just asking. TAYLOR: A Stars Hollow museum. We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months. After two months, the house is to be disposed of at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society, he meaning me. LUKE: Oh, goody. TAYLOR: So now you're going to talk under your breath. LUKE: I'm sorry. TAYLOR: Funny, I didn't hear those words come out of your mouth this morning after you tried to kill me. LORELAI [looks at Luke]: What? TAYLOR: So, we're going to need strong volunteers to make this dream a reality. Now, anyone with appropriate skills, let's see a show of hands. [Several men, including Luke, raise their hands.] LORELAI: Uh, you're really going to have to fill me in on the gag, here. TAYLOR: Luke, don't come to these things just to mock our business. LUKE: I'm not mocking anything, I'm volunteering. TAYLOR: After you threw a frying pan at my head. LORELAI: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head? TAYLOR: Just for playing my Muzak too loud. I mean, who doesn't love Muzak? SOOKIE [raises her hand]: Oh! Music lovers? LUKE: The thing slipped out of my hand. TAYLOR: Right after you said, quote, um, "you better duck, Taylor, because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head"? LORELAI: You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head without me there? I hate you. LUKE: I'm volunteering. Take it or leave it. TAYLOR: Patty, take down the names of the legitimate volunteers, please. Now, whoever's actually going to show up, our day starts at seven sharp. To the rest, shame on you. Now, onto item number three. The budgetary concerns about the new snowplow. LORELAI [to Luke]: I'm sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you or something? LUKE: It's no joke. LORELAI: Why on earth are you volunteering for Taylor? LUKE: Well, um - LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: How well did you know Old Man Twickham? LORELAI: Somewhat. LUKE: Well, I knew him all my life. He was like another dad, in a way. LORELAI: Oh. Nice. LUKE: And I didn't show up to say good-bye, and I'm feeling a little guilty about it, you know. He's a good guy. I just want to do right by him. LORELAI: Well. You are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes. TAYLOR: No, Kirk. If you build an igloo to sleep in, and the town plow runs over it, it kills you, we are not going to just leave your corpse in the snow. KIRK: Okay, but I don't want to be a burden. STARS HOLLOW - TWICKHAM HOUSE [Taylor walks down the front step talking to a man who is writing on a clipboard.] TAYLOR: Let's store all the boxes inside. Sort through them in there, then store what we don't need in the garage. [The man nods. Luke gets out of his truck.] LUKE: Morning, Taylor. TAYLOR: What are you doing here? LUKE: I volunteered. TAYLOR: I don't get the joke. LUKE: There's no joke! I'm at your disposal. [Taylor frowns and turns back to the man with the clipboard.] TAYLOR: Now, we're going to need a nice flat staging area, perhaps over there, [he points] because there's no space here out front. LUKE: What about right here? [He points at a space right next to where they are standing.] TAYLOR: My office is going here. LUKE: Your office? Why do you need an office? TAYLOR: So you came to complain? LUKE: No, I was just - TAYLOR: I'm organizing! I'm working! I need an office! LUKE: Okay, fine. Sorry. Carry on. TAYLOR [calling out]: Come on, everybody! [To the clipboard man] Let's hook up with people inside and I'll start handing out assignments. [They start walking into the house. Luke follows. Taylor turns around.] TAYLOR: Eh, where are you going? LUKE: Inside. TAYLOR: Why? LUKE: I'm a volunteer! [Taylor rolls his eyes and they all go inside.] KYLE: Hey, Luke. LUKE: Hey, Kyle. KYLE: Just thought I'd lend a hand. LUKE: Uh-huh, good one. [Kyle has a hook instead of his right hand.] TAYLOR: Is this everybody, people? KIRK: I believe so, Taylor. GYPSY [to Luke]: What the hell are you doing here? LUKE: I can't keep answering this question. TAYLOR: Come in, good folk. We are embarking on a wonderful adventure. Right here in this room, we will display Mr. Twickham's impressive collection of memorabilia. Upstairs, we'll house the multimedia dioramas depicting the history of the town. LUKE: Sounds good. TAYLOR: Now, I took the liberty of doing up some fun shirts that we all can wear. Everyone, please. Put one on. [Kirk starts handing out the bright orange t-shirts. The volunteers mumble as they put on the shirts.] TAYLOR: Isn't that nice. Now, they all take a cold water wash and tumble dry. Low. Now, before we begin, I'd like us all to join hands. LUKE: What? GYPSY: He's a twisted little perv if you ask me. TAYLOR: Come on, everybody, take hands. [Luke rolls his eyes, but takes Taylor's hand on the right, and "hooks" up with Kyle on the left.] TAYLOR: Let's close our eyes and visualize our goal. Picture a freckle-faced boy, eyes wide with curiosity, drinking in the history of the town as he wanders the room. He's by the door, he's going by the stairs, he's delighting - KIRK: Luke's peeking. LUKE: That means you're peeking too, snitch. TAYLOR: Quiet! Please! GYPSY: Hey, I've lost track. Where's the freckle-faced kid walking? TAYLOR: Okay, I think that's enough visualizing, everybody. How about we start organizing all these boxes, okay? [The circle breaks apart. Luke tries to pull away, but Taylor holds on.] TAYLOR: I'd like a moment with you, Luke. LUKE: Yeah, time to let go, there, Taylor! TAYLOR: I want the straight skinny from you. LUKE: Really, let go of my hand. TAYLOR: Not until you tell me what you're doing. LUKE: I'm really just trying to get my hand away from you. TAYLOR: Why are you here? Why did you volunteer? LUKE: Because I wanted to! TAYLOR: Luke, you hated Old Man Twickham. I know that for a fact. You said despicable things about him your whole life! LUKE: Well, okay. If you must know, Lorelai asked me. TAYLOR: Lorelai? LUKE: That's right. You know, we've been through a bit of a rough patch - TAYLOR: Yes. LUKE: Well, I want to make things right with her. Get off to a good new start. She really wants me to get involved with community things, so she asked me to get involved. So, I'm doing it for her. TAYLOR: Well, I think that's very nice. LUKE: So I'm here for you, Taylor. One hundred percent. TAYLOR: Good. Because you're not untalented. LUKE [trying unsuccessfully to take his hand back]: Thank you. TAYLOR: How about I make you my right-hand man? Stick by me! Be me when I'm not here! What do you say? LUKE: Well, I'll need my right hand back for that, I think. TAYLOR: Of course. [He lets go of Luke's hand.] Okay. Good. This is a new side of you, Luke, and I like it. All right, let's get started, everybody! [He turns away.] Kirk, grab Kyle and come on over and help me start in this corner. [Luke examines his hand.] DRAGONFLY INN - LIBRARY [Lorelai is being interviewed for the travel magazine. The reporter, Sandra, is writing as she talks.] SANDRA: So, which is your favorite room? LORELAI: Oh, that changes daily. Today it's the library. SANDRA: What do you love about it? LORELAI: It - hugs you. You know - does that sound silly? SANDRA: Not at all. LORELAI: Um, the kitchen turned out so wonderfully. So the kitchen and the library are duking it out right now. SANDRA: I should definitely get the name of your designer. LORELAI: Numerous. We went through quite a few. SANDRA: Really? The design's so cohesive. LORELAI: What you see is a lot of me. [Gestures at the notepad she is writing on.] Uh, she said that so humbly. SANDRA: Hey, credit where credit is due. LORELAI: I put my soul into this place. My heart. My liver, a couple of kidneys. I had a great partner in Sookie, and, uh, we had a great community rooting for us - SANDRA: That's what you feel here. Support, family, homeyness, warmth. It must reflect your upbringing. [Lorelai snorts with laughter.] SANDRA: No? LORELAI: I am just happy I wasn't sipping coffee when you said that, it would have come out my nose. SANDRA: Oh. Childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy? LORELAI: You know Superman's fortress of solitude? A Jamaican beach, compared to my mother's house. SANDRA: So I'll cross your mother off your list of inspirations. LORELAI: No, I actually did pick up some valuable lessons on running a staff from my mother. SANDRA: How so? LORELAI: Well, I consider what my mother would do in a given situation, then I dial it back, and I have what Mussolini would do, then I dial it back, and I have what Stalin would do, and then I dial that back and then it starts approaching what a sane person would do. SANDRA: Ouch. LORELAI: You're right. Let's find a topic happier than my relationship with my mother. Basically that would be anything short of famine. [Sandra laughs.] Okay. I will tell you one story about my mother on a family vacation. Jimmy Carter was there. And he had a bigger room. TWICKHAM HOUSE - INSIDE [Taylor is walking down the stairs, followed closely by Luke. Both are looking at clipboards.] TAYLOR: All righty. Upstairs floors and walls cleaned, check. Blackout curtains delivered and ready to be installed, check. Uh, Luke? LUKE: Yeah. TAYLOR: It would really help to hear you say 'check'. LUKE: Oh, I'm getting it, Taylor. [He points to his clipboard.] TAYLOR: But how do I know that unless you say 'check' after I say 'check'? LUKE: Fine. TAYLOR: And audio equipment delivered, awaiting mounting brackets, check? [He looks at Luke expectantly. Luke rolls his eyes.] LUKE: Check. TAYLOR: Excellent. [There is a commotion involving Kirk by the front door. Taylor goes to check it out. Kirk and Kyle are carrying a naked mannequin into the house.] TAYLOR: Boys, boys, what's so funny? KIRK: I took the mannequin by the arms and I said - KYLE: Wait, wait, I'll tell him. He goes 'grab the other end' - KIRK: No, no, I said, 'grab her end' - KYLE: Right, so I grabbed her here. Right under her rear end - KIRK: Her rear end! KYLE: And I was walking with it like that! TAYLOR: Really, do I have to separate you two? Now set that down and bring in the others. Modestly. [Kirk and Kyle walk past him with the mannequin, and burst into laughter again. Kirk looks after them disapprovingly. He then joins Gypsy at a table, where she is sorting through antiques.] TAYLOR: So, Gypsy. Find some interesting stuff? GYPSY: How does a George Washington letter sound? TAYLOR: Fantastic. LUKE [joining them, and taking the letter]: Wow, that's great! GYPSY: Mint condition, too. TAYLOR: Let's frame it, and hang it in a place of honor. LUKE: Eh, I'm not sure this is what you think it is. GYPSY: What do you mean? It's a letter to the editor, signed 'George Washington'. LUKE: It's dated '1944'. TAYLOR: That's a little smudged, that could be 1744. LUKE: It mentions Jack Benny. GYPSY: Well, we could cross out the Jack Benny part. TAYLOR: Let's put it on the 'to be displayed' pile and we'll authenticate it at a later date. LUKE: Actually, why don't we put it in the 'maybe' pile, Taylor? There's got to be better than this. TAYLOR: You're right! Let's keep our standards high. Good thinking, Luke. Now, Gypsy, as soon as we have everything catalogued, my man Luke here will liaise with you to co-ordinate your needs. LUKE: Right, we'll liaise. GYPSY: Fine. But I'm not doing nothing dirty. TAYLOR: Carry on. [He walks out.] LUKE: Hey, so we should start moving this stuff in the other room so we can clean here next - KYLE [entering with Kirk and another mannequin]: Luke. LUKE: Yeah? KYLE: Taylor would like to see you in his office. LUKE: What? He was just here. KIRK: That's what he said. LUKE [to Gypsy]: I'll be right back. TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Luke leaves the front door of the house, walks down the steps and up into a large trailer which has been set up for Taylor's office. He knocks on the door.] TAYLOR [OS]: Come in. TAYLOR'S TRAILER [Luke enters. Taylor is pretending to examine his clipboard.] LUKE: You wanted to see me? TAYLOR: Ah, Luke. Yes. Sit down, won't you? We need to talk. [Luke sits.] Now, if you're going to disagree with me, which you have every right to, please don't do it in front of the rest of the crew. LUKE: What are you talking about? TAYLOR: That George Washington letter. I was humiliated. LUKE: No you weren't. TAYLOR: Luke, we're a team. Don't forget that. LUKE: Fine, okay. I won't disagree with you in front of the crew. TAYLOR: Good. Although, it's probably safest for you not to disagree with me at all, don't you think? LUKE: Ah, sure. I agree. TAYLOR: Good. [His walkie-talkie beeps.] KIRK [over walkie-talkie]: Taylor! TAYLOR: This is Taylor Doose. KIRK: The carpenter is here, Taylor. TAYLOR: Copy that. [To Luke] Uh, liaise with him, would you? LUKE: Mm-hm. You took the words right out of my mouth. [He gets up and leaves.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Luke leaves the trailer and breaks up a fight between Kirk and Kyle, who are attacking each other with the top halves of two mannequins.] LUKE: Where's the guy, Kirk? KIRK: Right over there. [Luke sees that it is Dean. He waves. Dean glares. Luke looks confused.] YALE DORMS - RORY'S COMMON ROOM [Paris is watching a 60's era beach dance party movie. Rory comes out of her room, rolls her eyes and drops a duffel bag.] PARIS: Every one of these people is dead. That makes me sad. RORY: That movie is from the sixties. They're not all dead. PARIS: Well, they're old. Osteoporosistic. These days if they shake it, they break it. That makes me sad. RORY: Switch back to Moller. PARIS: Hey, it was your idea for me to watch a movie. RORY: It was my idea for you to do whatever it took to get your mind off Doyle. PARIS: So, you're going away, huh? No Huntzberger this weekend? RORY: Obviously not. PARIS: You guys were hot and heavy for a couple weeks. What happened? RORY: Nothing. PARIS: Feast turned into famine, huh? RORY: Fine. If you must know, yes. See, Paris, I am not in denial. Logan and I were hot and heavy, had a good two weeks, then it became about voicemails, then crickets. So, yes, he pulled back and I'm going crazy, but I'm not going to stay here and wallow and watch you be all depressed. PARIS [sitting up suddenly]: You're right. RORY: About what? PARIS: About staying here. You should get out, I should get out. This place is poison. RORY: It is! PARIS: I don't want to be like this. I want to live my life so that I'll be able to read an in-depth biography about myself in later years, and not puke. RORY: Good. PARIS: I'm going to get up and pack, and I am going to have some fun this weekend. RORY: Good. [She heads for the door. Paris points at the TV.] PARIS: How does this end? RORY: They dance again. PARIS: Okay. [Rory leaves. Paris goes into her room.] LANE'S APARTMENT [Zach is reading a magazine on the couch. Lane rushes in.] LANE: Hey, Zach? Grandy's closes at eight tonight, a little early because it's one of his kid's birthdays, but I checked with Luke and he's letting me off at seven, so we've got plenty of time. ZACH: For what? LANE: To shop at Grandy's. We set it up last week. ZACH: We did? LANE: Yes. ZACH: Huh. Well, can we go next week? LANE: Zach, we haven't hit Grandy's in four months. We're completely out of cleaning supplies. ZACH: Well, I can't go tonight, so just go without me. LANE: But you love shopping for cleaning supplies. ZACH: I know, but tonight I've got something to do. LANE: What? ZACH: I'm just going to go chill with some friends. LANE: Who? ZACH: Well, okay, Officer, I confess. Body's in the trunk. LANE: Zach. ZACH: I'm just going to see some old friends. God, what do you want, names and addresses? LANE: No. Fine. I'll go by myself. ZACH: Good. LANE: Good. ZACH: And don't forget. Get a dishwashing liquid that's gentle on my hands. LANE: I will. [Zach pats her hand. She walks away.] [SCENE_BREAK] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory enters the front door.] RORY: Hello! LORELAI: Hi! Honey! RORY: This is okay, right? Springing a surprise visit on you. LORELAI: This is your definition of surprise? [Laughs.] This is not a surprise. Come on in, I'll show you a surprise. [They walk into the living room.] RORY: Paris! PARIS: I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered that parents don't own property in the United States anymore. RORY: Since when? PARIS: Since the IRS red-foxed my father. The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage - even the crack-house in Harlem that we converted into a co-op was sold to one of the Queer Eye guys. RORY: Where'd they go? PARIS: They're going to wire me when they're safe. Anyway, I'm here. Should I leave? RORY: No, stay. Uh, if it's okay with Mom. LORELAI: It's okay with me. RORY: So I guess you can have the couch. LORELAI: Ah, sorry. That's spoken for. RORY: What? [Kirk comes down the stairs behind them.] KIRK: Hey, Rory. This is a nice surprise. LORELAI: The Maddis' were supposed to have him tonight. They have goldfish. Kirk's afraid of goldfish. KIRK: They're always staring at you. All gold and unblinking. PARIS: I like sleeping on the floor anyway. It's good for my back. RORY: Okay. Enjoy. Can I, um - [She gestures for Lorelai to follow her.] LORELAI: Mm-hm. [They go into Rory's room.] KIRK [OS]: How do you feel about goldfish? LORELAI: So, what inspired your visit? RORY: Just nothing else to do. LORELAI: Ah, well, don't I feel special. RORY: Sorry. You know what I mean. LORELAI: You mean, I love you mommy, I miss you mommy. RORY: That's what I meant. LORELAI: So, no parties or anything? No dates? RORY: No. Just a nice quiet weekend. It's perfect. Oh, wait, you didn't have anything planned with Luke tonight? Don't cancel it on my account. LORELAI: No, it's okay. He's busy. Taylor's making him drive out to fetch an historical cannonball that Old Man Twickham had lent to his sister in Mystic. RORY: What would you borrow a cannonball for? LORELAI: It's been bugging me too. RORY: Hm. So, how'd your magazine interview go? LORELAI: Good, I think. I mean, I've never done one before. She didn't stab me with her pencil or anything. RORY: Good thing. LORELAI: My interviewer was really cool. Sandra. It was more like friends chatting than being interviewed. She loved the inn, and she asked some good questions, and she loved, loved my Emily stuff. RORY: Your Emily stuff? LORELAI: Yeah, she asked me questions about my background. I gave it to her, unplugged. RORY: You didn't. LORELAI: She asked. RORY: But you couched it, right? LORELAI: What do you mean? RORY: I mean, you described it in so many words, colorful but unemotional? LORELAI: I called her the female Pol Pot. RORY: Mom, you didn't. LORELAI: She laughed, for like, a minute. RORY: That's so harsh. LORELAI: Harsh, but true. [Kirk stands at the door with his hand over his eyes.] KIRK: Can I get some water? LORELAI: Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk? KIRK: In case you're naked. LORELAI: You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked? KIRK: I don't know your domestic routine. LORELAI: Glasses are above the sink. [He leaves the doorway.] RORY: So you attribute any war crimes to Grandma? Any environmental disasters? LORELAI: What? We were just talking. She won't print any of it. RORY: Why? Was it off the record? LORELAI: Yeah. Technically. It wasn't about the inn. RORY: But did you say 'it's off the record'? LORELAI: No. RORY: Then it's fair game, so she can print all of it. LORELAI: Including the limerick? RORY: You did your limerick? LORELAI: I am very proud of it. I found two dirty words that rhyme with Emily. RORY: Oh, boy. LORELAI: Well, can't I call the reporter and tell her it was off the record? RORY: You can't take things off the record once they're on. LORELAI: Well, so what? The chances that my mother reads American Travel are extremely slim. RORY: Yeah. Except for the fact that I told her about it tonight. [She clears her throat.] I needed some small talk. LORELAI: What, and 'how are the girls at the club' and 'ooh, that's gorgeous, is it new' doesn't work anymore? Those are tried and true standbys. RORY: Well, I told her about it and she jotted down the title. She's going to read it. LORELAI: Okay, well, you know what? Fine. Let her. It's all true. I'm tired of protecting people. Of being polite, of worrying about other people's feelings. Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she wants. KIRK [OS]: Ow! LORELAI: Kirk, you can open your eyes! KIRK [OS]: I'm fine. Ow, my head! LORELAI: Kirk. KIRK [OS]: I'm fine! Ow, my toe! LORELAI [goes into the kitchen]: Kirk! [We hear a loud crash.] KIRK [OS]: Oh! My knee! LORELAI [OS]: Kirk! STARS HOLLOW STREET [Luke's truck is driving down the street. He brakes for a pedestrian. There is a rolling sound, and then a bang. He pulls up in front of the Twickham house with Taylor in the passenger seat. As he stops, there is another rolling sound and another bang.] TAYLOR: You were right. We should have tied the cannonball down. LUKE: Taylor, you don't like to drive after dark, so we didn't have time to tie the cannonball down. TAYLOR: You didn't have the proper tools to secure it with anyway. Netting, twine - LUKE: Yes, well, drat my luck. I took all my cannonball securing tools out of my truck just yesterday. [They get out of the truck and walk around to the back.] TAYLOR: Must weigh about a hundred pounds. LUKE: Something like that. [Taylor notices Dean on the front step of the house.] TAYLOR: Oh, good. We're in luck. Hey, Dean! LUKE: No, Taylor, I'll move it myself. TAYLOR: Luke, don't be headstrong. Once I strained my pecs lifting a birdbath and they were no good to me ever again. DEAN: What do you need, Taylor? TAYLOR: Got a big heavy ball here. How are your pecs? DEAN [pause]: They're fine. TAYLOR: Help us to the house? [Luke rolls the ball to the edge of the tailgate, and he and Dean carry it toward the house. Luke notices the look he is getting from Dean.] LUKE: Look, buddy - DEAN: Where do you want it, Taylor? TAYLOR: Uh, on the lawn is fine. We'll put it in place tomorrow morning. [They set the cannonball down.] TAYLOR: Lucky you were here. DEAN: Yeah. Lucky. [He glares at Luke again, then walks away. Luke rolls his eyes.] STARS HOLLOW STREET [Lane is walking home in the rain carrying bags of cleaning supplies. She sees Zach talking to Sophie outside of the music store. She looks hurt.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [She reaches up above the fridge for a box of cereal.] LORELAI [Calling]: Breakfast! [Paris comes in from the living room.] PARIS: Morning. LORELAI: Morning! Hey, Rory, are you up? PARIS: She's probably on the phone. RORY: I'm not on the phone. I'm just getting dressed. LORELAI: Coffee? RORY and PARIS: Definitely. Yes. LORELAI: So, did you get any rest? PARIS: Kirk talks in his sleep. LORELAI: Anything juicy? PARIS: He deals blackjack. LORELAI: Hm. Kirk? KIRK [OS]: Yeah? LORELAI: Turn off the TV, come have your breakfast. KIRK [OS]: In a minute. LORELAI: Now. PARIS: How old is he? RORY: You'd have to cut him open and count the rings. KIRK [entering]: Morning. LORELAI: Morning. RORY: Morning. PARIS: You really should see a sleep therapist. KIRK: Roulette? PARIS: Blackjack. KIRK: Sorry. [He sits down.] LORELAI: Kirk, is the TV still on? KIRK: Oh, I forgot! [He starts to get up.] LORELAI: No, no. I'll get it. You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on. [She goes into the living room.] PARIS: Don't deny that you were on the phone. RORY: Phone's in the living room. PARIS: Oh, that's your phone? It rang about an hour ago. RORY [hopeful]: It was ringing? PARIS: No. RORY: Knock it off. KIRK: What are you guys talking about? [Rory and Paris look at each other, but don't answer.] KIRK: Fine. [He boxes himself in with the cereal.] LORELAI: No forts. Now, I don't know what all your plans are, but the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum is this morning. Any takers? PARIS: It's always amusing when provincials grasp for legitimacy. I'm in. RORY: I wouldn't miss it. KIRK: I helped build it. PARIS: Bully. LORELAI: All right, well, finish up here, grab your jackets and we'll go. KIRK: I don't need a jacket. LORELAI: Well, it's chilly, Kirk. KIRK [whining]: I don't want to wear a jacket. LORELAI: Well, then, maybe you won't go to the grand opening of the Stars Hollow museum. KIRK: I'll put on my jacket. [He stomps out of the kitchen.] LORELAI: Finish your breakfast first. Kirk. Do not turn that TV on. [We hear cartoons from the living room. Lorelai goes in.] LORELAI: Kirk! I mean it, Kirk! TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Miss Patty is welcoming visitors.] MISS PATTY: Please enjoy the museum, and come back for some punch. [Rory, Lorelai and Paris are next in line.] Good morning, ladies! LORELAI: Hi, Patty. RORY: Hi, Patty. MISS PATTY [to Paris]: Oh, I remember you! You poor thing. PARIS: Thanks. MISS PATTY: It's three dollars each. That includes the punch. Would you like yours now? LORELAI: Oh, how about later? After I eat a loaf of bread, a pound of crackers and chase it with a quart of olive oil. MISS PATTY [laughs]: Well, it's not my punch if it's not strong. LORELAI: Hey, are you guys coming? [She sees Luke and Sookie waiting on the porch.] Oh, looks like we're the first group in. RORY: I'll catch up. I told Lane I'd meet up with her. LORELAI: 'Kay, see you. RORY: Bye. [Lorelai joins Luke and Sookie.] PARIS [to Rory]: How are you doing? RORY: I'm fine. PARIS: Doyle's probably called me at the dorm, and my not calling him back means he may never call me again. There you go. There you have it. RORY: Paris, you've come this far. Don't buckle. PARIS: I don't want to buckle. I really don't want to buckle. [She pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and hands it to Rory.] Here. Keep it for me. RORY: Your cell phone? Are you sure? PARIS: Remove the temptation. RORY: You got it. There's Lane. LANE: Hello. RORY: What's wrong with you? LANE: I don't want to talk about it. RORY: Well, we're a fun group. [Paris passes out cups of Patty's punch.] RORY: Paris - PARIS: We paid our three dollars. RORY: Miss Patty's leftover punch is used to remove tar from construction sites. PARIS: Then let it remove the tar from our souls. [They drink.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - INSIDE LUKE: Here it is. LORELAI: Oh, it's nice! You really turned this around fast, huh? LUKE: Well, it was a team effort. SOOKIE: Hey look, old letters! LORELAI: Oh, I love those! [Reading] Letter from Olivia Taft. Reported grand-niece by marriage to president William Taft. Written to Chester Hobart, assumed distant relative to Garret Hobart, vice-president to William McKinley. Wow. SOOKIE: Oh, I love history. Ooh! Possibly rare 48 star American flag! LORELAI: Ah, look at that. LUKE: Oh, someone was supposed to take the Sears tag off of that. SOOKIE: What's this? LORELAI [reading]: Civil War era cannonball! Ah, where's the cannonball? [They peer into a roped-off hole in the hardwood.] LUKE: Flashlights! [He hands them flashlights from a nearby table.] SOOKIE: I don't see it! LORELAI: Oh, wait, right there! Right there! SOOKIE: Ooh! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! TAYLOR [on overhead speakers]: Ladies and gentlemen. Our audio-visual presentation will commence in five minutes. Five minutes, everybody. LORELAI: Hey, check out that painting! LUKE: Oh, yeah, actually that's pretty cool. It's a possible circa nineteenth century portrait of what we think may have been the founder of a school that possibly educated Ben Franklin's cousin. [Lorelai and Sookie make appreciative noises.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Rory, Lane and Paris have found a table and chairs and are surrounded by several empty punch glasses. They slur.] LANE: He just flat out looked out of his face right into my face and said to my face that he was lying. RORY: Zach said that he was lying? LANE: No. He lied from his face into my face about where he was going. That's what hurts the most, the lie! Except for seeing him with that woman! That hurts most, more than the lie. PARIS: You'd think they'd stumble onto the truth. Just accidentally. Say something like two plus two equals four. Just because they say so many things just accidentally, that's like - man! LANE: I know! PARIS: They just have to repopulate the species. You know? Just spread it around. RORY: Oh, they like to spread it around, all right. PARIS: I bet you Doyle's spreading it right now. RORY: You don't know that he's spreading it. PARIS [pointing at her cup]: This - is tasty. LANE [jumps up suddenly]: I've had it! RORY: Had what? LANE: I'm getting to the bottom of this. PARIS: Spank his bottom! LANE: He can't do this! We're friends too, as well as lovers if we ever get married! [She storms off.] PARIS: She walks funny. RORY: I'm thirsty. This punch makes you thirsty. PARIS [sighs]: Where is the nearest bathroom? RORY: No. Paris, no. Stay. PARIS: I need to go to the bathroom. RORY: You're going to call Doyle. PARIS: What? You've got my cell phone. RORY: We're low-tech here in the Hollow, but we do have payphones. PARIS: I'm not going to call Doyle. RORY: Yes you are. PARIS: I don't even have money on me. RORY: Uh-huh. PARIS: Fine. [She takes her shoes and socks off.] Take my shoes, okay? How far can I get without my shoes? Now, bathroom? RORY [pointing]: Over there. PARIS: I'll be right back. RORY: Good. STARS HOLLOW STREET [Paris walks barefoot to a payphone. A man walks by her.] PARIS: Excuse me? Could I trouble you for some change? [He keeps walking. To a girl] Excuse me, I just need some change to make a call. Could you - [She ignores Paris.] I just need to make a call! [She looks around hopelessly.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - UPSTAIRS [Luke, Lorelai and Sookie enter a dark room, followed by the rest of the tour group.] SOOKIE: Where are we going? LUKE: You'll see. LORELAI: What is this? LUKE: You wouldn't want me to spoil it. TAYLOR'S VOICE [on the intercom]: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Stars Hollow dioramic history room presentation. Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember, no talking, no smoking, and please, no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation. [Lorelai pinches Luke's butt. He jumps. LUKE Hey! LORELAI: I'm just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation. TAYLOR'S VOICE: It's the dawn of time. And whether you believe that a Supreme Being created the earth, or in the more and more discredited theory of evolution, one thing's for certain. Early man walked the land we are now on. And while no printed record survived, there's no proof that the first tools weren't invented right here in Stars Hollow. [Behind them, a mannequin of a caveman is lit up by a spotlight. The caveman is grunting.] LORELAI: Huh. That wrench is really getting him hot. [The light goes off on the caveman. She pinches Luke's butt again.] LUKE: Hey, there's people! LORELAI: That's half the fun. TAYLOR'S VOICE: Zooming forward in time to the founding of Stars Hollow. The very first people to live on this land, besides the Indians, was the Jebediah family. [A light shines on a man, woman, boy, girl, and horse.] TAYLOR'S VOICE: Good puritans, they were led by the humble Reverend Ezekiel. With him was wife Louisa, daughter Harriet, and young son Joseph, born without speech. I wonder what that first conversation was when they rode up to their new home? [Lights shine on each member of the family individually as they speak.] EZEKIEL: Whoa, boy. Good girl. You smell that air, mother? LOUISA: It smells like home, Ezekiel. EZEKIEL: Ho, ho, ho, ho. And look at this fertile soil. Just a-wantin' to yield crops. LOUISA: It smells like home, Ezekiel. EZEKIEL: But what of the young'uns? What have they to say of their new home? HARRIET: We can run in the woods, play games, and be schooled at home! [The light shines on Joseph, in silence for a moment.] EZEKIEL: Hey! My divining rod is twitching! That means there's water a-plenty. LOUISA: Better get inside, children, it's time for supper. HARRIET: Okay, mother. I'm hungry. You hungry, too, Joseph? [The light shines on Joseph again.] EZEKIEL: Those stars. So bright. This forest, hollow. What name should I give this place? Hollow. Stars. Hollow. Stars. [The light goes out on the Jebediah family. After a pause -] LORELAI: No. Really? They're going to leave us on a cliffhanger? STARS HOLLOW STREET [Lane is walking quickly. She enters Sophie's music store. She walks over to Sophie.] LANE: Sophie! SOPHIE: Geez, Lane, I don't have time for coffee right now. LANE: You owe me an explanation! You - woman! SOPHIE: What are you talking about? LANE: You know what I'm talking about. I look to you as a role model. Well, not anymore, except as a role model for heartbreak! I know what you can offer him. You're bohemian, and experienced, familiar with the world of sensual pleasure, champagne, Times Square. I bet you've even smoked a cigarette or two! SOPHIE: Oh my God, your breath would stop an elephant! LANE: You've not only been to New York, but you've lived there. You know where the best bagels are and you've been with men. But you don't know him like I know him. It's cheap thrills for you, sister! But I know what cleaning products he likes. Do you? SOPHIE: I'm not sure how to answer that. LANE: It had to have been a moment of weakness, because he doesn't like you! He likes me! SOPHIE: Who? LANE: Zach! SOPHIE: Zach? LANE: Zach! SOPHIE: Come here. [Sophie pushes Lane toward the back of the store, where Zach is playing the banjo with a couple of other guys.] LANE: Zach? ZACH: Lane! SOPHIE: Talk! [She leaves them alone.] LANE: Why are you playing a banjo? ZACH: It's a bluegrass band, okay? I like bluegrass. I like jamming with these guys, and yes, I like the banjo. LANE [not making eye contact]: But why didn't you tell me? ZACH [apologetic]: Because we're rock and roll, Lane. You and me. I was embarrassed. So the guys and I have been jamming on the sly here. Sophie let us. I like the banjo. LANE: Well, I like the banjo too, when you're playing it. ZACH: Really? LANE: Yeah. It's kind of hot. ZACH: The guys are watching. LANE: Well, go back to your playing. ZACH: Cool. LANE: Oh! And I got three things of Pine-Sol. I've been dying to tell you! But there's been this weird thing between us. ZACH: Lemon? LANE: Yeah. Because I know that's what you like. [They kiss. Zach sits down.] ZACH: Let's hit it, boys. [They start to play. Lane turns away, makes a weird face, and walks out.] STARS HOLLOW STREET [Paris is begging everyone who walks by for change for the phone.] PARIS: Hey, I need some change here. Come on, damn it! Yeah, keep walking. Keep walking! [She kicks in their direction and blows a raspberry. She runs out into the street after a car.] Hey! Hey, I need fifty cents! Come on! Just fifty cents! Watch it! [She almost gets hit by a car, then runs back onto the sidewalk.] Hey! Give me fifty cents! [The people keep walking.] Fall in a hole! [She blows another raspberry.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Rory is sitting at the table alone, finishing a cup of punch. She takes her phone out of her pocket and hits a speed-dial number.] LOGAN'S VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's Logan. Leave whatever message you want. And if this is Finn? Buddy, your voicemail is full! Again! We're meeting at the Starwood, nine-thirty, then just club-hopping from there. There's eleven of us, so bring the Hummer. Don't be more than a half hour late, and erase those stupid messages. [Beep.] [Rory hangs up suddenly. She starts chugging another glass of punch.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - UPSTAIRS [The diorama presentation continues.] TAYLOR'S VOICE: Sanitation in wartime. No one likes to think about it, but in Stars Hollow that's all we thought about. A local manufacturer, Buff-Rite, was the sole supplier of all things pertaining to sanitation and hygiene for our boys in World War two. Remember their snappy theme song? [The light shines on two deliverymen carrying cardboard boxes labeled 'Buff-Rite'.] WOMAN'S VOICE [singing]: Walk light, smell right, head held high with Buff-Rite! TAYLOR'S VOICE: Closed due to a dramatic drop in demand for its chief products, urinal cakes, the Buff-Rite factory nevertheless afforded hundreds of Stars Hollow residents healthy livelihoods. [Lorelai's cell phone rings.] The Buff-Rite diorama is dedicated - LORELAI: Sorry, that's me. [She looks at the caller.] Oh, I've got to take this. LUKE: I'll meet you outside. I've seen enough. SOOKIE: I can't get enough. [Luke and Lorelai leave. Sookie sings to herself.] Walk light, smell right - [Multicolored lights flash on two hippies.] TAYLOR'S VOICE: Remember the sixties? The town of Stars Hollow does! What a headache! A veritable dark age, culminating in a sit-in that gathered over a thousand freaks from the Tri-county area. [Lorelai stands in a corner by the caveman and answers her phone.] LORELAI: Hello? SANDRA: Uh, hi, Lorelai! It's Sandra from American Travel. LORELAI: Sandra, hi. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. SANDRA: No problem, what's up? LORELAI: Well, I was just thinking about - SANDRA: Oh, it was great, by the way. Everyone just flipped for it here. LORELAI: Oh, wonderful. Thank you. But I just wanted to let you know, I think I may have crossed a line with the stuff about my mother? SANDRA: What? No! It was the best part! LORELAI: Oh, so it's in the article? SANDRA: It's not the dominant thing, but it's in. It's great color. LORELAI: Right. Well, I was wondering if maybe you could lose some of that color. Would that screw things up too much? SANDRA: Oh, but the stuff about your mother is great! My editor flipped. LORELAI: Wow. So it's already gone to an editor? SANDRA: We turn things around pretty quickly. LORELAI: I guess so. You know, Sandra, I would really like you to cut all the stuff about my mother. Um, it would be a big favour. SANDRA: I would really rather not. It was a lot of work. LORELAI: Okay, couldn't you just do a quick re-write, for a friend? SANDRA: We're not friends. LORELAI: Oh, right. SANDRA: Look. It's too late to change it. The only other option we have is pulling it altogether. LORELAI: Pulling it? SANDRA: Yeah, and just subbing in something else. LORELAI: The whole article? The cover and everything? SANDRA: The whole thing. LORELAI: Oh. SANDRA: Look, don't worry about it. It's great. It flies by. The readers are going to love it, okay? LORELAI: Okay, sure. Thanks for calling me back. Bye. MAN'S VOICE: I'm sure looking forward to work today! WOMAN'S VOICE: Haley, put your Etch-a-Sketch away and come sit down. [Lorelai joins Sookie.] LORELAI: What's this? SOOKIE: Modern life in Stars Hollow. [The light is shining on a family around a breakfast table. The mother is standing at the stove.] MAN: Great breakfast, mother. BOY: Yeah, you've done it again, mom! WOMAN: I just love serving breakfast to my family. GIRL: And I love Jesus! TWICKHAM HOUSE - OUTSIDE [Taylor hurries down the steps, looking thrilled. He finds Luke on the sidewalk.] TAYLOR: Look at these clamouring crowds, partner! LUKE: Yeah, people seem to be having a good time. TAYLOR: It was a rush job, but spectacular. It's more than I thought it would be. LUKE: Oh, way more. TAYLOR: I'm seriously considering going permanent with this. LUKE: What? TAYLOR: Well, I think we've got something here. Something big. A two-month run isn't enough! We've at least got to hold it over through the summer! LUKE: Taylor - TAYLOR: I'm thinking we should keep it open for at least a year. Even if it doesn't make money. At that point, we've got the publicity. We've made the guidebooks. My God! We'll have a Cooperstown-type attraction on our hands! LUKE: Taylor, no! TAYLOR: What? LUKE: Are you blind? This place is a piece of crap! TAYLOR: What? A piece of - LUKE: Look at it! The old man's stuff - it's not even historical! It's all a bunch of stuff that may have belonged to people who may have distantly related to people who may have been historically meaningful! And the diorama [SCENE_BREAK] TAYLOR: Well, I'll admit, it's a little rough - LUKE: It's a joke. TAYLOR: Luke, I don't get it. You helped build this! You were so co-operative! Why are you turning on it like this? Turning on me? LUKE: I want the house. TAYLOR: What? LUKE: I want this house, Taylor. All my life I've loved this house. They don't build them like this anymore. I mean, you saw the banisters, right? TAYLOR: Well, yeah, but - LUKE: No. I've always said to myself if you're going to have a family and buy a house, then it's got to be this house. TAYLOR: Oh - LUKE: It's why I volunteered, okay? I got involved with this whole thing to stay close to the house and keep on your good side. You had the control. TAYLOR: I should have known that you were doing this for selfish reasons. LUKE: Taylor, look. I know you don't like me, I can't change that. But I've got to be honest here. This museum is not going to make it. This property, these expenses, the taxes, the upkeep. I mean, the floor broke through from just the cannonball. It's going to take money. Do you want to keep a money loser on the books? Do you want that to be your legacy in Stars Hollow? Because that's what this is, Taylor. It's a money pit. TAYLOR: Well, I don't want a money pit on the books. LUKE: Just keep it open for the two months, then sell it to me. I'll give you the best price, I swear. TAYLOR: A family. You mean, you and Lorelai - LUKE: Me and - whoever. Yeah. TAYLOR: Huh. Well, I'll think about it. [Luke nods and smiles as Taylor returns inside.] TWICKHAM HOUSE - BACK DOOR [Lorelai and Sookie exit.] LORELAI: We have got to bring everyone we know to this thing immediately, before the Nederlanders swoop in and whisk it away to Broadway. SOOKIE: And at three bucks a pop. That crappy Epis show costs a hundred bucks. LORELAI: I've got to make a quick call, maybe we'll go through again. SOOKIE [gasps]: Once is not enough! [Sookie goes ahead. Lorelai sighs and dials a number on her cell phone.] LORELAI: Sandra, hi. It's Lorelai Gilmore, again. Listen, I was thinking, I think you should just pull the article. Yeah, I'm sure. But thanks. Okay. Bye. [She hangs up. Luke joins her on the sidewalk.] LUKE: So, was it all I said it would be? LORELAI: Oh, and more! I've got to go through with Rory, have you seen her anywhere? LUKE: Haven't seen her, no. LORELAI: Wow. LUKE: What? LORELAI: I just never really looked at this place before. Those columns, and that brick. LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: It's beautiful. LUKE: Yeah. It's a great house. [Rory comes up behind them.] RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Aw, Rory, honey, what's wrong? RORY: I don't feel good. I really don't feel good. LORELAI: I think I can, uh, guess why. Come on, let's get you home. LUKE: You need help? Want me to drive? LORELAI: It's okay, it's just five minutes. Come on. [Rory and Lorelai leave. Luke walks toward a table on the side of the house, and packs up his toolbox. Dean walks by, giving him attitude.] LUKE: Okay, Dean. Come on. Give me that attitude. What's up? What is this, still about the Pippi night? The Bop-it? Fine. You hate me, whatever. You want to punch me? Go ahead, I'm a terrible guy, I deserve it. Go ahead, take a shot. I won't even fight back. Make you feel better, huh, buddy? DEAN: Just go back to your girlfriend. LUKE: Fine. Whatever. DEAN [mumbles]: While you've got one. LUKE: What's that supposed to mean? DEAN: What do you think it means? LUKE: I'm not playing games here! DEAN: Your situation is no different from mine. Buddy. LUKE: I've got work to do. DEAN: Then go. They want more than this. Don't you see that? And all you are is this. LUKE: Rory was a kid, Dean. She grew up. She moved on. Accept it. DEAN: You accept it. This town, it's all you are, and it's not enough. She's going to get bored, and you can't take her anywhere. You're here forever. LUKE: It's different. DEAN: It's not different. You and me. Same thing. [Luke stares after him as he walks away.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - BATHROOM [Rory is lying on Lorelai's lap on the floor. She is crying.] RORY: Why doesn't he like me? Why doesn't he call me? What did I do? LORELAI: Sh, honey, it's okay. It's okay. RORY: Logan - [she breaks off into a sob.] LORELAI: Sh, it's okay. _______________END___________________

Old man Twickum dies, declaring through his will that the house be made into a museum for two months, then disposed of by the Head of the Historical Society, aka Taylor. Much to everyone's surprise, Luke volunteers to help with the museum to remain close to the house. Lorelai is interviewed by a magazine due to her success with the inn. Lane suspects Zach of cheating on her with Sophie. Rory and Paris sulk over their recent pitfalls with love resulting with the both of them in Stars Hollow getting tipsy with Lane on Miss Patty's Punch and all three of them trying to contact their beaus. Dean informs Luke that their situations are the same, and that Lorelai will eventually get bored and move on. Lane discovers Zach secretly practicing in a bluegrass band. (Last appearance of Jared Padalecki .)

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[Scene: A hospital. Phoebe is in labour and is lying on a stretcher. Doctors are pushing her down the corridor.] Phoebe: This isn't happening, this can't be happening. Doctor #1: Ruptured placenta, possible prolapse, ---- five centimetres. Doctor #2: Alright, let's tell OR to get set up for ---- c-section. Phoebe: No, wait, I'm only two months pregnant. Doctor #1: She's full term. Phoebe: No, you're wrong. Where are my sisters? I need my... [Timelapse. Phoebe's in the operating room.] Phoebe: Sisters. Did you call them? Nurse #1: There was no time. Doctor: We're less than a minute from skin to baby. Scalpel. Uterine incision, I need another stretch. Nurse #1: There's nothing to be afraid of. Phoebe: I'm afraid of what's inside me. Doctor: I can see the baby. Phoebe: Oh god, please let it be normal. Please, please, please, let it be normal. Doctor: He is out. (He holds up the baby.) Would you like to see your new boy? Nurse: He's beautiful. Phoebe: He is beautiful. (One of the nurse's pull down her masks and it is the Seer. The doctor hands the Seer the baby.) Phoebe: The Seer! Don't let her take my baby! Don't let her take my baby! Don't let her take my baby! Don't let her take my baby! [Cut to Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe wakes up from her nightmare.] Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper, Paige and Leo are sitting at the table having breakfast. Leo is reading the paper.] Paige: So he asked me out again last night, but he was so quiet during dinner, ugh, I swear I could hear his stomach digesting. Piper: I always preferred quiet men, they make good listeners. Leo: What's that, dear? (Phoebe walks in.) Piper: Oh, hi, sweetie, come sit, eat. Phoebe: Oh, no, I can't, that smell. (She sits down and covers her nose.) Leo: It smells good. Paige: Morning sickness, Leo. Phoebe: Morning and night. It's more like around the clock sickness. Piper: Well, did you at least get a good night sleep? Phoebe: The nightmare came back. Paige: With the Seer? Phoebe: She wants my baby, I know it. I'm afraid that she's gonna summon me to her at any moment. Leo: She could only get to you when you chose evil, you're safe now. Piper: I swear to you, the Seer will never lay a finger on your baby. Paige: Yeah, she'll have to get through us first. Phoebe: Thanks, guys. Piper: Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, you know, pain comes in waves. Piper: Honey, you lost your husband, it's okay to be very upset. Phoebe: No, I can't, I have to stay strong for the baby. He's all I have left of Cole. Paige: I'm gonna go check the Book of Shadows, there might be some magical protection against the Seer. (She gets up.) Piper: Uh, missy Paige, you need to go to work. Paige: Well, I'll be late, Phoebe doesn't need to be stressed while she's pregnant. (Paige leaves the kitchen. Phoebe follows.) Phoebe: Paige, wait. Go ahead, say it. Paige: Say what? Phoebe: Something that I know on some level you've been dying to say to me. Paige: There's nothing. Phoebe: Come on, you knew Cole was evil the whole time when everyone thought you were crazy, and thanks to you we vanquished the Source and gave Cole peace. So go ahead, say it. Say I told you so. Paige: I will not. It's not my style. Phoebe: I was so unfair to you for the last few weeks and you were right and I just, I wanna clear the air right now. Paige: You're really sweet and I appreciate the gesture but everything's totally fine. (Paige goes upstairs. Phoebe walks back into the kitchen.) Phoebe: Oh, whoa. (She touches her forehead.) Piper: Another hot flash? Phoebe: Uh-huh, it's when I move too fast. Piper: Phoebe, that's not really a typical pregnancy symptom I don't think. Maybe it's time we get that baby checked out. Phoebe: I just haven't had a chance to make... Piper: A doctors appointment? Well, I have one, it's yours. Leo: Aren't we supposed to find out about the fertility test? Piper: Yeah, but, uh, Phoebe needs that appointment more than we do right now. Phoebe: How can I go to the doctor when I have a demonically challenged baby? Who knows what effects the Seer's tonics had on the little guy. Piper: This is my point exactly, and if it'll make you feel better, I'll go with you so I can put the freeze on if anything goes wrong. You're going. Into the sturbs for you. Phoebe: Ugh. [Scene: Underworld. The coronation room. Demons are standing around in a circle, with the dark priest and Dane in the middle.] Dark Priest: Dane, son of Goath, may the world's evil flow through your soul tonight and grant you eternal dark. Are you prepared to take the power and position of the Source before these leaders of the underworld? Dane: I am. (The dark priest opens the Grimoire. The Seer appears.) Seer: Stop the coronation. Dane: Seer, I didn't see your name on the guest list. Dark Priest: Always a rare privilege, but not the best timing. What brings you here? Seer: A vision. I saw the Source's true heir leading the underworld. Dane: If that was your vision you need glasses. The Source's heir lives in the belly of a witch. Dark Priest: He's right. The underworld can not wait months for a baby to be born then years for it to grow up. It needs leadership now. Seer: In my vision I saw the Source's son taking immediate power. (Dane laughs.) Dane: How can an unborn child lead the underworld? Seer: With my help he can. Dark Priest: What do you need from this council? Seer: A chance to prove my vision true. Dane: She has no right to ask this. I was chosen by these leaders! Dark Priest: But you have no direct lineage to the Source by blood or by magic. (to Seer) You have until tonight to us bring the Source's heir or the throne belongs to Dane. [Scene: Doctor surgery. Phoebe is laying on a bed, while Piper stands beside her. The doctor is looking at her chart.] Doctor: Your hormone levels are unusually high for a mother in her eighth week. Have you seen a doctor since you found out you were pregnant? Phoebe: I was under the care of a Seer. Piper: It's kind of like a new age doctor. Doctor: Well, you really should've seen a doctor before today, a real doctor. Phoebe: Do you think that there could possibly be something wrong with my baby? Doctor: Well, let's just take a peek shall we? Why don't you lie back and I'm gonna do an ultrasound. Now this gel's a little bit cold. (He squirts some gel on Phoebe's tummy. The doctor and Piper turn away for a second and suddenly flames shoot out of Phoebe's head. She gasps and the flames disappear.) Piper: What? What's wrong? Phoebe: Hot flash. A very, very hot-hot-hot flash. Doctor: Not a good sign. Piper: Well, yeah, she's been getting those a lot lately. Phoebe: No, not like this one, I mean, it felt like my head was on fire for real. Doctor: Let's just have a look, okay. (He starts the ultrasound and the baby shows up on the screen.) Oh, there, see? Phoebe: Oh. Doctor: There's your little... (Suddenly the doctor gets electrocuted and he is pushed against the wall. Piper goes over and helps him up.) Piper: Hi, here you go. Doctor: What-what happened? Piper: That's a good question. (She freezes him.) What happened? Phoebe: Well, it's about time. My head was on fire like a tiki torch a few seconds ago. Piper: Do not change the subject. Did your baby just electrocute the nice doctor man? Phoebe: Yeah, I think so. But he was just protecting himself because that gel was really cold. Piper: Protecting himself? Unborn babies don't perform magic tricks in the first trimester, Phoebe. Phoebe: What is going on? Piper: I don't know but don't panic, okay, we'll wrap up here and we'll go home and panic. [Cut to the manor. Paige and Leo are there. Paige has opened to 'The Seer' page in the Book of Shadows.] Paige: It says here the Seer has served multiple Sources. Looks like she's been around for thousands of years. (Piper and Phoebe walk in.) Piper: Hey. Leo: What's going on? Phoebe: My baby did magic. Piper: And almost killed my doctor. Phoebe: It was self defence. Paige: Well, I guess that's what you get when you breed with the Source of all evil. Phoebe: Okay, can we not say breed. You know, I'm not a horse. And Cole wasn't all evil, he was part good, and I'm all good, so this baby has a lot of good in him. Piper: What if there's not? Phoebe: Then there will be. My love was able to save Cole, it'll save our son too. Piper: Let's hope so. Phoebe: No, we'll make it so. Okay. So what did you find out about the Seer? Paige: Well, she's immune to spells and charms but the book does classify her as an upper level demon. Leo: So we can make a vanquishing potion. Piper: Mm-mm, not without a tissue sample. Phoebe: Actually, the Seer mixed her own blood into my prenatal tonic. Piper: Nasty. Phoebe: Yeah, and Cole kept some extra bottles in the safe at the penthouse. Paige: You think you're ready to go to the penthouse? You haven't been there, you know, since, since he died. Phoebe: I don't think I'll ever be ready but I can't keep borrowing your clothes. Piper: Okay, let's go. Phoebe: (to Paige) Wait, don't you have to work? Paige: Ah, I'll take the afternoon off, who needs vacation time. Phoebe: Paige, you can't keep... Paige: Yes, I can. Phoebe: Thank you. Bitch! (Phoebe pushes Paige and she smashes through the window. Darryl is on the pavement heading towards the house and ducks as the glass pours down. As Paige is falling, she orbs out and orbs back in the attic.) Paige: What the hell was that for! Phoebe: Uh, I don't know, you'd have to ask him. Piper: Okay, why did your mummy push Paige out the window? Phoebe: No, it's not like that. It's just, he took over for a split second, I had no control. Paige: But why me? I have nothing against that little f... foetus. Phoebe: I'm sure he's sorry. (to her tummy) Aren't you sorry? Kids at this age, they don't know any better, you know. Leo: Okay, I think I'd better go check with the Elders, see what they know about this baby. (Leo orbs out.) Piper: Whatever it is, I'm sure it has something to do with the Seer. Let's go get that blood. (They walk down the stairs and Darryl walks up.) Darryl: What was that out there? Flying practice? Paige: Baby shoved me out the window. Darryl: Wait, hold on a second. I left four messages here, has anybody in this house learned the magic of a telephone? Piper: Darryl, it's been a very rough week. Darryl: Right. Phoebe, how you holding up? Phoebe: Uh, depends on what part of the day you ask me. Darryl: Look, I know you've got a lot to deal with already, but there's some business I don't think can be put off any longer. Piper: I'm sure it's pressing, but not as pressing as the demon that's after Phoebe. (They all walk into the foyer.) Darryl: Don't count on it. Cole worked at a high profile law firm. Right now you three are the only one's who know he's dead. (They put on their coats.) Paige: Listen, can this wait, we really need to get to the penthouse. Darryl: Good, 'cause that's where I need you to handle this business. (The leave.) [Cut to Phoebe and Cole's old apartment. There is a black stain on the carpet and the windows are still broken. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Darryl walk in.] Darryl: It has to look like Cole left in a hurry, that means packing up all of his stuff and personal belongings. Piper: (to Phoebe) Are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry, so why do you want me to pack up his stuff? Darryl: I, uh, made an appointment for you at missing persons today. Paige: Wait, you want Phoebe to report Cole as missing? Darryl: She has to otherwise somebody else will and she'll become to prime suspect in his disappearance. Phoebe: So you want me to pack up his stuff so it looks like he left me. Darryl: That's right. We can not give the police any reason to suspect foul play. I mean, technically you three did kill him. (He spots the black stein.) What is that? Piper: Well, that's where we, you know. (He looks around.) Darryl: This place looks like a crime scene. Is there anything you can do? Paige: "Let the object of objection become but a dream, as I cause the seen to be unseen." (The stain disappears and the room returns to normal.) Phoebe: Thanks. (Paige moves closer to Phoebe.) Paige: I just wish I could make the rest of your pain go away that easily. Phoebe: So do I. Murdering witch! (Phoebe hits Paige in the face and she is knocked to the floor.) Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: The baby made me do it. Piper: You know what? Now we split up. You two go pack, we'll find the Seer's tonic. Darryl: Okay, where is this baby that everybody keeps talking about? Is it an invisible baby? Am I gonna step on it? Phoebe: No, Darryl, it's a little more complicated than that. (Phoebe and Darryl walk into the bedroom.) Paige: Am I the only one who's worried about that thing growing inside of her? Piper: No. But right now the Seer is our first priority. Paige: I think she said it's behind this painting over here. (The walk over to a painting hanging on the wall. Paige pulls it open and a safe is built into the wall behind it.) Piper: Okay, so now what? She doesn't know the combination. Paige: We don't need it. Safe door. (The safe door orbs into Paige's hands.) If financial disaster ever strikes you'll find I come in handy. (Paige puts the door down.) Piper: Uh, there's nothing in here. Paige: No tonic? Piper: No. (She pulls out a letter.) But there's this. It's Cole's handwriting. Paige: Cole the human, or Cole the Source? Piper: I don't know, that's for Phoebe to find out. [Cut to the bedroom. Phoebe is showing Darryl and huge white teddy bear.] Phoebe: Cole gave this to me the day he found out I was pregnant. Darryl: Look, I'll start packing his stuff up, okay? And you put your own things together. (Phoebe opens the closet door and a portal opens to the Seer's cave. Phoebe starts to get sucked into it and Darryl holds onto her legs.) Piper! Paige! Seer: I've been waiting for you. Phoebe: Get away from me. You can't have him! Seer: I only want what's mine! Darryl: I'm losing her! (Piper and Paige run in and try to pull Phoebe back in.) Phoebe: Let go of me! (Phoebe grabs the Seer's earring and rips off her earlobe. Piper, Paige and Darryl pull her back into the room and the portal closes. Phoebe holds up the earlobe.) Here's your tissue sample. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Paige are there. Paige is making the potion. Piper picks up a plate of fruit.] Piper: Okay, I'm gonna bring this to Phoebe, you stay here, I don't want you provoking her baby anymore. Paige: Provoking him? Like it's my fault. Piper: Oh, you know what I mean. (Piper walks into the dining room where Phoebe is sitting in a chair holding earphones to against her tummy.) What are you doing? Phoebe: Shh, I'm playing Mozart for the baby to bring out his peaceful nature. Studies show that babies can hear and remember songs from the womb. Piper: Hm, that's lovely. How about you eat something since you haven't had anything to eat all day. Phoebe: No, I've been nauseous all day. Piper: You've been a little fresh all day. (Phoebe picks up a piece of watermelon and it changes into a piece of meat.) Phoebe: I'm thinking about trying acupuncture, I hear that helps. (She goes to take a bite of the meat.) Piper: Phoebe, don't! (Phoebe drops the meat.) Phoebe: Aw, I'm gonna puke. Piper: Maybe your baby would prefer to listen to Ozzy. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: The Elders believe the Seer's making a sudden play for the Source's throne but she needs Phoebe's baby to do it. Phoebe: The Seer wants to be the Source? What could that possibly have to do with my baby? He's not due for another seven months. Piper: Well, it doesn't matter because next time we will be ready for her. Leo: Next time? Piper: Yes, the Seer tried to steal Phoebe from the penthouse. How's that potion coming? (Paige comes in holding a saucepan.) Paige: It's done, it just needs to cool a little bit. (Phoebe throws fire at Paige and she drops the saucepan.) That baby needs a serious time out. Piper: Go, go, go into the kitchen. (Paige goes back into the kitchen.) Leo: So much for the vanquishing potion. Paige: How come your baby only attacks me? Phoebe: I don't know, Paige, he must resent you. You know, you never really liked his father. Paige: With good reason. Hey, maybe you resent me and the baby's just modelling after mum. Phoebe: Paige, how can you say that? Piper: Alright, enough, the two of you will not address each other, you will not set foot into the same room until further notice, got it? (to Paige) You, you got enough ear left to make another batch of that potion? Paige: Yes. Piper: Then do it. (to Phoebe) You, you're gonna hit the Book of Shadows and you're gonna figure out a way to control Chucky there. Phoebe: I can't, I told Morris I'd meet him at missing persons in a half an hour. Leo: I would strongly advise against that. Your baby... Phoebe: Is fine, just as long as he doesn't feel threatened and doesn't meet anyone with unresolved issues with his father. Paige: (from kitchen) I heard that! Piper: Phoebe, how can you say that? How can you risk going out in public with... in your condition. Phoebe: Because if I don't report Cole missing, someone will, and the police will be knocking on our door. Besides, Morris put himself on the line, I can't let him down. Piper: Alright, but Leo is going with you in case of any trouble. (Phoebe and Leo head for the door.) And I will hit the book and figure out how to deal with... demonic foetuses. [Scene: The underworld. The Source's dungeon. The Seer walks over to a tall man sitting in a cage.] Seer: I have an offer for you. Tall Man: Nobody comes down the Source's dungeon unless they are dead, damned or desperate. Which are you? Seer: Desperate. I need your power. Tall Man: I have a power? Yes, I almost forgot. I haven't used it in centuries. I've been sentenced to spend eternity alone in this cage. Seer: It's a fine cage. Tall Man: The Source had it forged from unbreakable magic. Nothing can escape it. Seer: Yes, I know. It was some of my best work. That's right, I built your prison and my magic alone has the power to free you. Tall Man: The Source would never allow it. Seer: The Source is dead. I can give you freedom and a chance to earn favour with the new Source in exchange for your help. Tall Man: What kind of help? Seer: I need you to do what every demon before you has failed to do, even me. Capture and contain a Charmed One. Tall Man: A Charmed what? Seer: A powerful witch. I need you to bring her down to the underworld, it is the only way that my magic can work. That shouldn't be hard for you, a demon who has swallowed worlds. Interested? (The tall man stands up.) Tall Man: Get me out. Seer: Remember, my magic put you in this cage. Betray me and you'll go right back. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Police station. Phoebe and Leo walk in.] Phoebe: (to her baby) Please be good and I promise I'll eat a huge tritip tonight. (Darryl walks over to them.) Darryl: You're gonna meet Inspector Miles, he's train to spot on liars, so just answer his questions as honestly as you can, okay? (They walk into a room.) Inspector Miles: Morris tells me that you think your husband might have left town? Phoebe: I don't know what to think. Last Wednesday we had a huge battle and he just never came back. Inspector Miles: Did he leave anything? Darryl: Nothing. I checked the penthouse myself. Clothing, personal belongings... gone. Inspector Miles: What was the fight about? Phoebe: My sisters. I have two sisters and they didn't approve of me marrying Cole. Inspector Miles: Why not? Phoebe: They're just different. Oil and water, you know, fire and ice, heaven and... Inspector Miles: Hell? Phoebe: Bingo. Inspector Miles: So you'd say that your husband has a dark side then? Phoebe: Yes. Inspector Miles: Has he ever hurt you? (Suddenly, some books fall off a shelf above the inspector and land on him.) Darryl: Are you okay? Leo: Here, let me help. Phoebe: (to her tummy) Stop that right now. Um, Inspector, I know it doesn't seem like my husband's a great guy but I would advise you not to say anything negative about him right now. Inspector Miles: Listen, ma'am, I've gotta call them as I seem them. You turn up pregnant and he takes off, your husband fits the classic profile of a dead beat dad. (The inspector continues picking up the books and a fireball appears in Phoebe's hand.) Leo: (whispers) Make it go out. Phoebe: I can't make it go out. (She flings the fireball into the trash can.) Darryl: Phoebe? Uh, I'm mean fire! Inspector Miles: Move away, move away, move away. (He grabs the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.) Darryl: (whispers) Why are you doing this to me? Phoebe: It's not my fault, it's just the baby doesn't like when anybody talks bad about Cole. Ooh! (She grabs her stomach.) Inspector Miles: What's wrong? Phoebe: My stomach, it's like something's t-tearing. Leo: Come on, let's get you outta here. [Cut to the manor. Parlor. Piper's on the phone. She seems upset.] Piper: Yeah, I'm okay. Yeah, I'm sure. Um, I'll call back later to schedule that appointment. Okay, thanks. (She hangs up and goes into the kitchen.) Paige: You are just in time. One bottle of Seer vanquishing potion. What about you? Anything in the book about how to control demon spawn? Piper: Uh, I thought about binding his powers but, uh, then that would leave Phoebe without hers. Paige: Yeah, well, you might want to keep that option open, there's something seriously wrong with that baby. Piper: Yeah, I know, but it doesn't matter. He's part of us, part of our family. And who knows, he may be the only baby in the Halliwell family. Paige: Okay, what's going on? Spill. Piper: That was Dr. Harris on the phone. I got the results for my fertility tests. Paige: And? Piper: There's some problems. Um, he said something about scarring or scar tissue, something about blunt trauma injury. Paige: Oh, honey. Piper: He asked me if I had suffered any serious blows to the abdomen. He seems to think, um, it would be difficult, if not impossible for me to conceive. Paige: I'm so sorry. Piper: It's weird, 'cause when I went to the future I met that little girl, I saw my little girl. I saw what she looked like and what she sounded like and the sound of her laugh. I just, I can't imagine not knowing her. Paige: You still might. Piper: I might not. I just, don't know what to tell Leo. He's so excited about having a baby. You should've seen him... (They hear the front door open.) Leo: Piper? (Piper and Paige race into the foyer. Phoebe is still holding her stomach.) She's getting worse. Piper: Can't you do something? Leo: I tried to heal her, I can't. Phoebe: Stand back, stand back. (Flames shoot out the top of her head. She groans and falls to her knees.) Piper: (to Paige) Alright, you stay out of her sight for your own safety, go. (Paige runs around the corner.) Phoebe: Oh, make it stop, make it stop. Piper: Leo, go get some ice water or something. (Leo goes into the kitchen. Piper holds Phoebe.) It's okay, just try to breathe through it. Breathe, breathe. (The tall man appears.) Paige: Piper, look out! (Piper tries to blow him up but nothing happens.) Piper: Uh-oh. (Leo runs back in.) Leo: Hey! (He grabs a chair and throws it at the demon. He sucks the whole chair inside of him, kind of like a portal.) Piper: Get up, get up, come on. (She helps Phoebe up.) Leo: Whatever you do don't touch him. Tall Man: You can't run from me, I'll always find you. (Paige runs in.) Paige: Phoebe, I'll orb you out of here. (Phoebe kicks Paige and she falls into the tall man. They disappear.) Phoebe: That wasn't me, it was the baby, I couldn't control him. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe is sitting on a couch looking through the Book of Shadows. Leo orbs in.] Phoebe: Did you sense her? Leo: No, if she's in the underworld I can't get a read on her. Phoebe: If anything happens to Paige I will never forgive myself. (Piper walks in carrying some iced tea.) Piper: Anything on that demon? Phoebe: I think so, come look. (She puts down the tea and looks at the book.) Piper: "Oral tradition tales of a giant whose body served as a portal to other dimensions. Because he was imprisoned centuries ago, nobody knows what this demon's name is or if he even exists." Phoebe: It gets worse. There's no known vanquish for him, the Source was so threatened he condemned the giant to spend eternity in a cage. Leo: The Seer must have set him free to capture Phoebe. Phoebe: But he got Paige instead thanks to me. Piper: No, that had nothing to do with you. How are you feeling? Phoebe: Uh, better, I think the baby's resting. It's when he's active and using magic that it hurts the most. Piper: Here, have some iced tea, it will cool you off. (She hands Phoebe a glass. She goes to have a sip and then throws it across the room.) Phoebe: What the hell? I can't even enjoy some iced tea! Piper: Uh, it wasn't iced tea. It was a binding potion. Paige suggested it to help control the baby and I couldn't tell you because if I did he would've stopped you... Phoebe: He stopped me anyway. He knows things that I don't know. He's trying to take control of me. Leo: You can't let that happen, if he takes control he'll never let go. Phoebe: I know. It's not me and it's not Cole, it's the Source. [Scene: Underworld. The Source's dungeon. Paige is asleep in the cage. She wakes up with a fright. The Seer is standing there watching her.] Paige: So what, are you into some kind of dominatrix thing now? Seer: You are not the sister I expected but you'll do. Paige: Sorry I can't stick around but you're creeping me out anyway. (She tries to orb out of the cage but can't. The Seer laughs.) Seer: You're not going anywhere. (Paige stands up.) Paige: So what was your plan? Trap Phoebe in this cage and fatten her up till she gives birth? Seer: Even don't have that kind of patience. Paige: Well, whatever you plan was I'm happy to spoil it. Seer: You didn't spoil anything. Phoebe will come to me as soon as she gets my message. Paige: What message? (The Seer's eyes turn white.) [Cut to the manor. Attic. Phoebe gets a premonition of the Seer killing Paige.] Phoebe: I saw the Seer, she was killing Paige. Leo: How can you get a premonition without touching anything? Phoebe: I don't know, maybe the Seer sent it to me. (The tall man appears.) Piper: That is not all she sent. Tall Man: Come with me now or your sister dies. You've already seen how. Piper: No, Phoebe, don't. Leo: It's a trap. Phoebe: It doesn't matter, I have to save Paige, it's the only chance left. Leo: No. (Phoebe pushes Leo out of the way. Piper gasps.) You're letting your baby control you, Phoebe. Phoebe: That wasn't the baby, that was me. I got Paige into this mess, I'm gonna get her out of it. (Piper pulls the Seer vanquishing potion out of her pocket.) Piper: Oh, no you're not. Not if I kill the Seer first. (She heads towards the tall man and a beam of blue light shines out of Phoebe's hands. It hits the tall man and Piper, knocking them to the ground. The potion bottle breaks and Piper cuts her hand.) Damn it! Did that come from you? Phoebe: I'm sorry, Piper, I can't let you take the fall for me. Piper: Well, why not? Leo: You can't use the baby's powers like that. (The tall man gets up.) Tall Man: Come here, witch. (The blue light comes out of Phoebe's hand again and starts to vanquish the tall man.) Piper: Phoebe, don't! (The tall man is vanquished.) Phoebe, nobody has ever been able to vanquish that demon. Do you realise what you just did? (Phoebe's eyes turn black.) Leo: Stay away, that's not Phoebe anymore. (Phoebe flames out.) [Cut to the underworld. The dungeon. Phoebe flames in.] Seer: Come to me, child. Paige: Phoebe, snap out of it, please. Seer: "Let the little children come to me, for the kingdom belongs to such as these, (she takes Phoebe over to a circle of candles) the rose circle represents nature, desire, fertility." Kneel. (Phoebe kneels down.) Paige: Phoebe, it's your body, take control, fight it. Seer: "Give me strength, and give me might, to steal a child in still of night." Paige: Phoebe! Seer: "Darkest forces let it be, here my plea, bring life to me." (A light comes out of Phoebe and goes into the Seer. Phoebe returns to normal.) Phoebe: My baby. Seer: He was never yours, or Cole's. From the moment of conception this baby was mine. (She unbuttons part of her dress to reveal the baby moving around in her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Underworld. The coronation room. Dane, the dark priest and the council leaders are there.] Dane: Deadline's passed, she's not here, the throne belongs to me. Dark Priest: We can wait one more... Dane: Give me the oath! I want my power! (The Seer flames in.) You promised to bring the Source's heir, so where is he? Seer: Inside me. (The Seer's eyes turn black. They all bow their heads.) Dark Priest: The council has chosen. The Seer will be our new Source. Dane: No, it's a trick. Seer: I have brought the council a gift. (Phoebe and Paige appear still in the cage.) Dane: Charmed Ones. How dare you bring them into our sanctuary. Seer: The witches are locked in a cage from which no magic can escape. Dane: You can't be sure of that. Seer: So much negative energy. (The Seer vanquishes Dane.) Dark Priest: Am I to presume these witches of the human sacrifice required to seal your coronation? Paige: Human sacrifice? I didn't know that was part of the plan, did you? Seer: To be your Source, to start a new evil order, to kill the Charmed Ones, this was my vision from the beginning. Every council leader here will reap the rewards with... Ah! (She doubles over in pain.) Dark Priest: What is it? Seer: Just start the ceremony. Paige: Doesn't look like she's having anymore luck with that thing inside of her than you are. Ah, sorry, that was insensitive. Phoebe: It's okay, the baby wasn't mine. Paige: What do you mean? Phoebe: The baby was never mine. From the moment it took over, it just felt like this black hole of evil. Totally soulless. Paige: Phoebe. Phoebe: Yeah. Paige: Told you so. (They laugh.) I'm really sorry. Phoebe: I know you are, honey, I know you are. Dark Priest: Seer, are you prepared to accept the power and position of the Source before all these leaders of the underworld? Seer: I am. Phoebe: Okay, so now what? Paige: We might have a fighting chance if we had the power of three but we can't get to Piper. Ugh, this cage is magic proof. Phoebe: Okay, so the cage is built to make sure magic wouldn't get out, but in the premonition I had, I saw the Seer kill you with a power. Paige: So the cage lets magic in. Do you remember the spell to call a lost witch? Phoebe: Piper and I just used it to try to find you. Uh, "powers of the witches rise, course unseen across the skies..." [Cut to the manor. Attic. Piper closes the Book of Shadows.] Piper: There's nothing left, we've tried everything. Leo: Well, there's gotta be something missing, something we haven't thought of. (He turns his back to her and paces across the attic. Piper disappears.) Maybe if we summon a demon, someone who knows the way to the Seer's lair, he can lead us to Phoebe and Paige. [Cut to the coronation room. Piper appears in the cage.] Piper: Oh! Phoebe: Oh, thank god it worked. Piper: So am I. Where are we? Paige: Uh, trapped in a cage. Piper: Mm-hm, okay, so lets bust out. Paige: No, you can't use your magic in here, it'll just bounce off and probably kill us. Dark Priest: Repeat the oath after me. Piper: Ah, what's going on out there? Phoebe: The Seer's being coronated as the new Source. Piper: Huh. Paige: Yeah, then she's gonna sacrifice us. Piper: Lets get this straight, you guys summoned me to a cage where my powers don't work, so we can all die together! Paige: Well, the plan has some flaws admittedly. Phoebe: We just have to stay positive. We have the power of three here, there is nothing stronger than that, right? (The Seer starts glowing and floats up into the air.) Piper: Are you sure there's nothing stronger than the power of three? (The Seer floats back down the ground. She turns to the cage and gets a shock when she notices Piper.) Seer: What an unexpected surprise. You just made my... (Flames shoot out of her head and she groans.) Phoebe: It's the baby. He has too much power for her. That's how I felt, it felt like I was gonna explode. Paige: What are we gonna do? Phoebe: We need to make her tap into the baby's power, all of it. Paige: How the hell are we gonna do that? (The flames disappear.) Seer: I command all in attendance to witness the power of the Source. Piper: Power of three spell? Phoebe: Uh, okay. Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "The power of three will set us free, the power of three will set us free." (The blue beam of light hits the cage but the spell protects them.) "The power of three will set us free, the power of three will set us free." Dark Priest: What's wrong? Seer: Nothing's wrong! (They continue chanting and the blue light rebounds back and hits the Seer. It then rebounds onto every demon in the room and they are all vanquished.) Piper: Where did everybody go? (Piper kicks the cage and one of the sides fall off. They get out.) Phoebe: The blast took everyone out. The Seer, the council leaders.) Piper: Well, I'd say that the scales of good and evil just dramatically tipped in our favour. Paige: Look, the Grimoire, still untouched. Phoebe: It's time we get rid of that book once and for all. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there sitting on the couch. Leo orbs in.] Leo: Well, the Grimoire has a new home in a mountain of rock in the West Andes. (He sits beside Piper.) Piper: Thanks, honey. Leo: Sure. (They kiss.) Paige: How many times have we vanquished the Source now? Phoebe: Three, but who's counting. Paige: Did we get him? Leo: I think that'd be safe to say based on how the Elders are reacting, it's like a holiday up there. They still can't believe you did it. Piper: Yeah, well, let's not forget the cost. Leo: Well, I gotta say after all this, I'm still looking forward to having a good baby in this house. Piper: Yeah, I haven't had a chance to talk to you about that yet. I heard from Dr. Harris today. Leo: And? Piper: And we're in for a rough road. Leo: Rough road? What does that mean? What did he say? Piper: Shh, it's okay, it doesn't mean that we're giving in or giving up, there are a lot of options in the world, don't worry. Phoebe: Don't worry, Leo. I'm sure the Charmed line isn't supposed to end with us. Piper: Um, Phoebe, (she gets up and picks up the letter) I found this in Cole's safe. It's for you. (She hands it to Phoebe.) [Timelapse. Phoebe's bedroom. She's reading the letter.] Cole's Voiceover: If I'm dead right now, I know it was at your hand. No one else in heaven or hell had power over me. Please don't cry, I was dead before I met you, I was born the day you loved me, and my love for you will keep me alive, forever. (Phoebe lays on her bed. A breeze blows through the window.) Cole's Voice: (quietly) Help me. (Phoebe sits up.) Phoebe. Phoebe: Cole?

After banishing Cole, Phoebe's baby begins having strong demonic powers while still in the womb. As a result, the baby starts signs of open hostility toward Paige and anyone else who speaks ill of his father. What happens next is that the Seer takes it upon herself to steal the demonic baby from Phoebe and ultimately gain its power as heir to the Source.

fd_Teen_Wolf_04x01

fd_Teen_Wolf_04x01_0

SCOTT: Previously on Teen Wolf... Sheriff: Are you sure that this is a girl and not an animal? Scott: Malia? Stiles: Was that your first kiss? Scott: Are you scared? Kira: Not right now. Derek: You're the one who saved Isaac.[/i] Braeden: I'm the one who was hired to save Isaac. Jennifer : You have no idea what you are. A Banshee. Stiles: It means that she can sense when someone's close to death. Lydia: Allison! Araya: Where is the She-Wolf? Derek: We don't know any She-Wolf. Scott: Who's this? Allison: That's my dad's sister, Kate. Kate: Can you get turned by a scratch? Chris: If the claws go deep enough.[/i] Derek: You're real. Kate: And if seeing me is a surprise, watch this. (GROWLING) Stiles: This doesn't seem so bad. Lydia: It's not the town, it's the plan. Stiles: What's wrong with the plan? Lydia: Stiles. This could be the stupidest plan we've ever come up with. You're aware of that, right? Stiles: I'm aware it's not our best. Lydia: We are going to die. Stiles: Are you saying that as a Banshee or you're just being pessimistic? Lydia: I'm saying it as a person who doesn't wanna die. Stiles: Okay. Would you just mind restricting any talk of death to actual Banshee predictions? Lydia: This plan is stupid and we're going to die. Stiles: Oh, thank you. Lydia: Mmm. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) (SPEAKING SPANISH) (DOOR CLICKS) (SIGHS) (OBJECTS RATTLING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (ALL CHEERING) (SPEAKING SPANISH) Severo: No. On the house. Most American teenagers don't cross the border to refuse a drink. Lydia: We didn't come to drink. Araya: Severo hates this music. Me? I've always loved the music of youth. This kind, especially. It has a savage energy. Lydia: We're here for Derek Hale. Araya: Is that so? Lydia: We know you have him. We've heard you can be bought. Stiles: It's 50,000 for Derek. Araya: Now, where does a teenage boy get money like this? Japanese mafia? (COCKING GUNS) Araya: Not smart to come alone. Stiles: What makes you think we came alone? Araya: You brought a wolf into my home? Stiles: We brought an Alpha. (MUSIC PLAYING) Kira: Something's happening. Malia: I know. Kira: What do we do? Malia: Blend in! Dance with me, dumbass. Kira: Oh. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Araya: My friends... (SIGHS) I don't think you're aware of your poor timing. Do you know what the dark moon is? Lydia: The part of the lunar phase when the moon is least visible in the sky. Araya: But do you know its meaning? Lydia: Some people say it's a time of reflection. Or grief. Araya: Grief and loss, mija. I wonder why, when you and your friends have suffered so much loss, you would risk it again for someone like Derek Hale. Stiles: 'Cause we don't like to lose. (BARTENDER SPEAKING IN SPANISH OVER RADIO) EAST GUARD: (OVER RADIO) Front door clear. SOUTH GUARD: (OVER RADIO) South clear. Severo: North? (SPEAKING SPANISH) (SEVERO SPEAKING SPANISH OVER RADIO) Scott: Stiles. Take 10 off the table. Lydia: Maybe you should just take the deal. (LAUGHS) Araya: While I'm keen to follow the warning of a Banshee, I'm going to have to decline. Malia: Ready? Stiles: Aaaa... Come on. Just give us Derek. You don't want him anyway.vHaven't you noticed what a downer he is?vNo sense of humor, poor conversationalist. Just come on, take the money. Araya: Severo? Show them how the Calaveras negotiate. (BLOWING) Scott: Wolfsbane. It's wolfsbane! Kira... Kira, get out of here! (COUGHING) (GRUNTS) (COUGHS) Araya: Someone who has been an Alpha only a few months should be more careful when facing a hunter of 40 years. (PANTING) Scott: All we want is Derek. Araya: My lobito, you're a long way from home. Scott: You don't know where he is either. (GROANING) (ROARS) Stiles: Ok, so how long has it been? Scott: Weeks. He hasn't gotten back to any of my texts. Stiles: Has Derek ever returned your texts? Scott: Once. Definitely once. But this time it felt different. So I went to the loft. The alarm was on. Everything looked okay. But then I found these. So I sent a picture of it to Deaton. He said that it's the mark of a family of hunters based out of Mexico. The Calaveras. Lydia: What would they want with Derek? Stiles: You don't think they killed him, do you? Scott: I... I don't know. That's why you're here. (GUNSHOTS) (MAN SCREAMING) Scott: Lydia, what? Is he dead? Lydia: No. But I'm not sure he's alive either. Stiles: What does that mean? Lydia: I don't know. There's something not right. I just... I don't know. Stiles: So if the Calaveras have him, how do we find them? Scott: Mexico. Kira: He's awake. Guys, he's awake. Stiles: Scott, you okay? Scott: Yeah. They don't have him. They don't have Derek. Kira: We know. But right now, they've got Lydia. Scott: Lydia? What do they want with Lydia? Araya: I have to admit I don't have much experience with Banshees. Lydia: That makes two of us, since I don't have much experience being one. Araya: I have a feeling you underestimate your abilities, Lydia. Lydia: Trust me, you'd have better luck with tarot cards. Araya: Let's find out. Tell me, which one of these men is about to die? (PANTING) (GRUNTING) Kira: We already looked for a way out. I think a lot of people have. Malia: I say when that door opens again, we take out whoever's standing in the way and run for it. Kira: What about Lydia? Malia: What about her? Scott: We're not leaving without her. Malia: Why not? Stiles: Because we don't leave without people. Remember, we talked about this? Rules of the wild kingdom don't apply to friends. Kira: Is that what you would do as a coyote, leave her for dead? Malia: If she was weak and injured, yeah. If hunting had been bad that season, I would eat her. Then I'd leave. Stiles: Mmm. Believe it or not, that's progress. Scott: All right, guys, we're not dead yet. And that means Araya wants something. Kira: But if the Calaveras don't know where Derek is, that means they didn't take him from the loft. Right? Stiles: Maybe he left on his own. Scott: Maybe someone else got to him. Araya: How does it work? Do you need to touch them? Maybe I give you something they own. Or is it just a... a feeling? Lydia: I told you I don't know. Araya: Just how close to death do they have to be? (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) Lydia: Why did you do that for? Araya: He stole from me. (WHISPERS) Lydia: What do you want? Araya: Right now? I want to know about Scott McCall. I want to know what kind of Alpha he really is. (ZAPPING) (BREATHING HEAVILY) (WHISPERS) Lydia: Oh, God. Scott: Let her go. Look... you've got me. Just let the others go. (GRUNTS) Severo: Your hand goes here. So, let me explain what's about to happen. This one, the fox, has an immunity to electricity. So she's going to turn the dial on the Alpha. If she doesn't, I turn the dial on the Banshee. Kira: No. I'm not doing this. (SPEAKING SPANISH) Severo: I see. Are you sure? One of your friends has the power to heal. The other? Not so much. Scott: What are you doing? Is this a game to you? Araya: This is a test, lobito. Let's see if you pass. We're going to ask some questions. You answer them, nobody gets hurt. You don't answer, we turn on the dial. Scott: Do what they say. Okay. Whatever they want. I can take it. Araya: So... We don't know where Derek is. We want to find him as well. You know who took him. Scott: What? How would I know that? Araya: That doesn't sound like an answer to me. Lydia: We don't know. Why do you think we came here? Araya: Kira, turn the dial. Should we turn the dial on Lydia instead? Scott: No, no! Do it, Kira. Do it. Araya: Let's start at one. [SCENE_BREAK] (GRUNTING) Stiles: Do you hear them? Can you hear Scott? Can you hear Kira, Lydia, anybody? What are they saying? Malia: I... I can't. I can't concentrate. I... There's too many sounds and voices. Stiles: Okay. It's okay. Well, just breathe. Breathe with me, all right? You practiced this with Scott before, remember? Malia: I'm trying. Stiles: It's okay, it's okay. Just focus on something. Here, look at my eyes. Very good. Just focus on the sound of my voice. All you have to do is try to concentrate. Concentrate... (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) Araya: Tell me! Who actually has Derek? Who had a reason, a vendetta particular to the Hales? Scott: (PANTING) I said I don't know. (WHISPERS) Araya: Oh, you don't know because you haven't figured it out yet. So think! Who could've taken him? Severo: Tres. (PANTING) Scott: It's okay. Araya: Who had the power? The power of a shapeshifter? (GRUNTING) Scott: I don't know. Araya: Oh! Someone who could have turned without you knowing. Turned, but not by a bite! Scott: I don't know! Araya: Diez! Diez! (SCOTT SCREAMING) Malia: They're killing him. (SCREAMING) Kate: Can you get turned by a scratch? Chris: If the claws go deep enough. Araya: Say the name, Scott. Scott: Kate. Stiles: That's impossible. It's impossible. That can't be what he said. Malia: Why? Who... who's Kate? Stiles: She's a hunter. An Argent. Scott: So... you're just letting us go? Araya: I sent four men out to where Kate was rumored to have been seen. None of them came back. Let's see if you can do better. Scott: You could've just told me she was alive. Araya: You wouldn't have believed me. Now I know what kind of Alpha you are. And where your next step lies. Scott: What next step? Araya: When you take the bite of an innocent, when you make a wolf of your own, when you do that, then, I will cross your border and come knocking at your door. Stiles: So what now? Scott: She thinks she knows where we can find Derek. Malia: She gonna tell us where? Scott: Uh, actually, she's giving us a guide. (MUSIC PLAYING) Stiles: You know her? Scott: Braeden. Malia: Who's Braeden? Lydia: She's a mercenary. Braeden: Right now, I'm the only one who's gonna take you to la iglesia. Lydia: The Church? Stiles: What's The Church? Braeden: It's not a place you'll find God. Malia: Okay, I'll ask. Who's Kate Argent? Kira: Uh, I'd like to know, too. Stiles: Well, we were at her funeral. So, I'd like to know how she got out of a casket that was buried six feet underground. Scott: She was never in it. Lydia: She was Allison's aunt. And a total sociopath. Kira: You don't have to talk about it now if you don't want to. Malia: Um, yes, he does. Scott: Yeah, she's right. You guys should know. You need to know. Stiles: All right. Kate was the one who set the fire that killed most of Derek's family. (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Scott: Some of them survived, like Cora, and Peter. Lydia: A very angry Peter. (SCREAMS) Scott: Yeah, he's the one who bit and turned me. Lydia: And the one who finally caught up to Kate and killed her. (GASPING) Stiles: And we saw her buried. Scott: No. We saw a casket, remember? She wasn't in it. The Calaveras heard that Kate had been killed by an Alpha's claws. They wanted to make sure she was really dead. Her body was healing. More and more, as she got closer to a full moon. She was coming back. So they switched out the bodies. If a hunter is bit, they have to take their own life before they change. The Calaveras, they treat the code like law. They make it their responsibility to enforce it. Malia: Good for her. I wouldn't do it either. Scott: Would you kill half a dozen people to get out? Because that's what she did. Kira: So Kate's a werewolf now? Scott: I don't know. You know, there's a saying, sometimes the shape you take reflects the person you are. Lydia: What kind of shape is sociopathic bitch? Braeden: What happened? Stiles: I don't know. It felt like we hit something. Braeden: Scott, we need to get there by night. It's too dangerous otherwise. Stiles: Go. Scott: Not without you. Stiles: Dude, someone needs to find Derek. We'll figure something out. We always do. Just go. Scott: (SIGHS) Okay. Kira: Scott... I can't think of anything else to say except for be careful. And... and I know "Be careful" sounds kind of lame and I'm totally sure the second you're gone I'm gonna think of something much better, but I... Scott: Uh, "Be careful" works for me. (MUSIC PLAYING) Braeden: Scott, the sun's going down. Scott: Hey, I gotta go. Malia: Stiles. (GRUNTS) I don't think we hit something. I think something hit us. Braeden: La iglesia. Scott: What happened here? Braeden: An earthquake. It leveled the town. Scott: Then why is The Church still standing? Braeden: The locals think it's because of what's underneath. Scott: Do I wanna know? Braeden: The Church was built over the ruins of an Aztec temple. It belonged to a people called the nagual. Scott: Shapeshifters? Braeden: Were-jaguars. Scott: So Derek and Kate are somewhere in there? Braeden: I don't know. Never gotten this far before. Lydia: Maybe we should just walk. Stiles: Hey, I will never abandon this jeep. You understand me? Ever. Ever. Ever. Malia: Work faster, Stiles. There's something out here with us. Scott: If you find Kate in here, what are you gonna do with her? Braeden: Bring her back to the Calaveras. That's what they paid me for. Scott: What happens after that? Braeden: Not my problem. Scott: You don't care? Braeden: Do you? She's a mass murderer. Scott: And you're a mercenary. Braeden: Girl's gotta eat. Scott: If you were paid enough, would you kill her? Braeden: If the money was good, I'd kill you. Can you catch Derek's scent? Scott: Yeah. I already got it. (DISTANT ROARING) Braeden: What? Scott: There's something else in here. Braeden: Something like what? Scott: Something not human. Stiles: Lydia, could you please hold the light still for a second? It's really hard to see anything if you keep shaking it like that. Lydia: I'm shaking it like this because we're in the middle of nowhere with your broken down jeep and we're being attacked by yet another razor-clawed monster. And I'm terrified. Stiles: Well, just be slightly less terrified. And hold this. Lydia: What's this? Stiles: I don't know. I'm hoping it's not important. Scott: Oh, God. Kira: Anything? Malia: It's too hard to see. We should've brought another flashlight. Kira: Did you see that? (ROARS) Kira: Malia, wait! Stiles: Hey, Malia! Lydia: Kira, go! You. Fix the jeep. Stiles, focus! (PANTING) Kira: Malia? (TWIG CRACKS) (YELLS) (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) (YELLS) Malia: It's me! Uh, it's me, it's me. Kira: What happened? What's out there? Malia: I don't know, but it is big and fast. And it cuts deep. (INDISTINCT THUD) (GASPS) Braeden: So, how come you didn't kiss her? Scott: What? Braeden: How come you didn't kiss your girlfriend? Scott: You mean, Kira? Braeden: Whatever her name is. Scott: Well, she's not really, uh... I mean, we've never actually... She's not my girlfriend. Braeden: So if you die down here, are you gonna regret not kissing her. You should've kissed your girlfriend. (WHISPERS) Braeden: What? Scott: Just had a feeling like something was behind us. (EXHALES) Braeden: You hear that? Scott: Is this why you never get that far? (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) (GROWLING) Braeden: Get ready! Stiles: You... you please don't do that ever again! Malia: Do what? Stiles: I... I thought you just took off. I thought you were running. Malia: I was running. Stiles: No, I mean, like, I thought you were leaving. Malia: I wouldn't leave without you. Stiles: Really? Malia: I would never leave without you. Them I would leave. Stiles: Yeah. Uh, it's progress. Lydia: That doesn't look good. Malia: It's okay. Kira: Are you sure? It looks deep. Malia: I can feel it healing. Lydia: You didn't see anything? Malia: Barely. It had a strong scent, though. Stiles: Like what? Malia: Like death. Braeden: Where is it? Do you see it? Scott: No, I don't know! I can't see anything! Braeden: Where is this thing? (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) (ROARING) (WHISPERS) Braeden: Scott, get behind me. Scott, get behind me! (ROARING) (INDISTINCT GROWLING) Scott: I think I scared it. Braeden: I think you scared everything. (CRASHING) Scott: What is that? Braeden: Tezcatlipoca. The nagual jaguar God. I think we found Derek. Scott: Stand back. Oh, my God. Malia: Is that him? Is that Derek? Stiles: Uh, sort of.

Scott and his friends head into Mexico , looking for the Spanish hunter clan, known as the Calaveras, that were hunting Derek. The lead hunter, Araya, makes Scott realize that Kate Argent, Allison's presumed dead aunt, has returned and taken Derek. With assistance from Braeden, Scott and the group go in search of Derek in an abandoned town known as La Iglesia, said to be the home of supernatural creatures called the Nagual (werejaguars). When Stiles's jeep breaks down, Scott and Braeden carry on alone. They arrive in La Iglesia and enter an abandoned church buried beneath the town, but are attacked by a mysterious creature wearing bone armor. Meanwhile, a second creature attacks Malia and Kira in the desert. Both groups manage to escape their attackers, and Scott and Braeden find a teenage version of Derek buried in the church.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x30

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x30_0

Broadcast: 13 June, 1964 Duration: 25 minutes 30 seconds [SCENE_BREAK] 1. INT. TUNNEL (The water rushes over IAN'S ankles and he is trapped. He suddenly notices something about his head - markings on a slab. He shines his flashlight on them. He pushes against the slab. It moves. With no time left, he throws all his weight on the heavy stone, lifting it and moving it aside...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SECOND TUNNEL (He finds himself in a another smaller tunnel, slanted upwards. Struggling to keep a handhold, he starts crawling up...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR has abandoned all pretexts of calm. He tries desperately to re-open the tunnel as IXTA smiles beside him.) DOCTOR: Open this, Ixta! Ixta, please! (He turns to him.) Please open this, Ixta, open it! IXTA: Why? DOCTOR: Ian Chesterton is in there! (IXTA'S smile grows wider, and he salutes.) IXTA: I thank you, old man. This time, you have really given me my victory. (IXTA, laughing, walks off.) DOCTOR: Open it! Open it! (The DOCTOR futilely tugs at the stone...then gives up the struggle in resigned despair.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TOMB (IAN finally emerges at the far end of the tunnel...which is directly under the burial slab of Yetaxa. Smiling, IAN glances round him and at the TARDIS. He walks over to the secret door to the outer temple. He tests it - it moves. He looks upward, shining the light - and spots a small projection. He looks over at the slab and discovers a length of material which will do for a rope. After testing it's tensile strength, he returns to the door. Creating a loop, IAN jumps - and gets the rope around the projection. He ties a quick knot, pulling it up to the projection. He grabs the flashlight, then pushes the door open.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (He makes sure a generous amount of rope is on the other side with him, then lets the door drop back down.) BARBARA: (Coming up to him.) Ian! IAN: Barbara, there's a tunnel all the way up from the garden, into the tomb! BARBARA: You came through there? IAN: Yes, I ... DOCTOR: (OOV.) Barbara! Barbara! Barbara! (IAN dives behind the throne, as BARBARA stands by it. The DOCTOR runs up to her, his face stricken.) DOCTOR: Something terrible, my dear ... I don't know how to tell you ... Ian ... (IAN stands up from behind the throne.) IAN: I'm all right! DOCTOR: (He shakes his hand, relieved.) My dear boy! I thought you were drowned! IAN: I nearly was. Who put that stone back? DOCTOR: Ixta! IAN: Oh. So he followed me, eh? DOCTOR: Yes, of course he followed you! But never mind about that. How does that door work? IAN: Don't worry, I've got it licked. All we have to do is get Susan up here. BARBARA: We can't. (On their looks.) She refused to marry the victim for the next sacrifice, so she's to be punished. DOCTOR: Is she still at that seminary? BARBARA: I think so, but she'll be heavily guarded. IAN: Don't worry, I'll get her out. (He gives the flashlight to the DOCTOR.) IAN: Now you stay here. DOCTOR: Thank you. And watch out for that man, Ixta! (IAN nods, and walks out of the temple.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. BARRACKS (TLOTOXL walks into the barracks as IXTA finishes putting on a new uniform ... ) TLOTOXL: The Chosen Warrior has done well. With Ian dead, they are completely at our mercy. The rewards, I promise you, shall be yours. IXTA: I thank you. TLOTOXL: I have a task for you. IXTA: Tell me. TLOTOXL: Guard the handmaiden. (TLOTOXL moves to the door and waves. The AZTEC CAPTAIN and two guards bring SUSAN in.) TLOTOXL: (To IXTA.) Do not let her escape, nor release her to Autloc. His faith in our gods is wavering. SUSAN: Why have I been brought here? Does Autloc know I'm here? And what of Yetaxa - I'm her handmaiden! She'd wish to see me! TLOTOXL: Oh, she will see you...at the appointed time. IXTA: (Getting up and pointing to the table.) Rest there. TLOTOXL: (To IXTA as SUSAN goes to the table.) Tlotoxl thanks you. (IXTA salutes in turn. TLOTOXL leaves. IXTA motions the guards out, which they do after saluting and bowing. Then he walks to SUSAN with a sadistic look on his face.) IXTA: Do you ask yourself where Ian is? I can tell you - he is dead! SUSAN: I ... I don't believe you. IXTA: The old man saw him die. He knows it to be true. (IAN slowly sneaks up behind IXTA.) IXTA: Now, seven wa ... warriors have challenged my right to command, and only I survive! (IAN leans up close and ... ) IAN: Good commanders don't jump to conclusions, Ixta! (IXTA jumps into action but IAN instantly seizes the back of his neck, punching him and knocking him out.) SUSAN: Ian! (IAN runs around the table and embraces her.) SUSAN: I knew he was lying...he said you were dead... IAN: I nearly was. Come on, let's get going. SUSAN: Where are we going? IAN: The TARDIS. Come on! (The two exit the barracks...) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (BARBARA and the DOCTOR wait anxiously at the temple door looking at the dawn sky.) BARBARA: It'll soon be light. DOCTOR: Yes, it's bound to take him some time to get there and back. BARBARA: Oh, I just want to get out of here as quickly as possible... DOCTOR: Hmm. And the history? BARBARA: Remains unchanged. DOCTOR: No rewriting? (Smiling, BARBARA shakes her head. The DOCTOR moves into the room and grabs the rope, testing it.) DOCTOR: This isn't going to be easy, you know. BARBARA: (Takes the rope too.) Well, if we all pull... DOCTOR: Yes, we can pull, but uh...I think we'd better do it at an angle. (He places the rope over the top of the throne.) DOCTOR: What we really need is a pulley. BARBARA: A pulley? But the Aztecs don't have the wheel. DOCTOR: I know! But it isn't going to be easy ... SUSAN: (OOV.) Grandfather! (SUSAN runs into her grandfather's arms as IAN joins the three.) DOCTOR: My dear Susan...oh, how glad...I'll tell you how glad I am to see you later on ... (He quickly disentangles himself and motions IAN over to the rope.) DOCTOR: Come along, don't waste time... IAN: All right. (IAN, the DOCTOR and BARBARA all grab a part of the rope.) IAN: Susan, as soon as the door opens, grab it! SUSAN: Right! DOCTOR: Now, this is not going to be so easy as you think, young man. IAN: Oh? Well, let's give it a try anyway. DOCTOR: Yes, alright, now be careful...the rope's old, and it might break... (The three pull at the rope, with all of their strength. The door doesn't move.) DOCTOR: No, no, wait, wait a minute...let's do it at an angle. Come along... (He slings the rope over the throne again, and motions the other two to grab the rope on that side with him.) DOCTOR: That's it. IAN: All right... DOCTOR: Right... IAN: Ready? DOCTOR: Yes. IAN: Pull! ... Harder! (Again they tug on the rope but it snaps, flinging the three of them to the floor. SUSAN leans her head despondently against the back of the throne.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. BARRACKS (TLOTOXL is furious with IXTA.) IXTA: How could he have escaped? TLOTOXL: Did you not let the handmaiden escape? She must be in my power! IXTA: I shall find her ... TLOTOXL: No, I shall!! I have another task for you ... IXTA: Tell me. TLOTOXL: Should Autloc learn of the warrior's return, he will be truly convinced that she is Yetaxa. IXTA: What can I do? TLOTOXL: His faith in her must be completely destroyed. (He seizes up one of those wooden clubs.) TLOTOXL: Is this one Ian's? (IXTA nods.) TLOTOXL: Then use it! (He puts it in his hands.) On Autloc! IXTA: (Shocked.) To strike down a High Priest? There is no greater offence! TLOTOXL: Will you see us humiliated? Each day as the sun rises, Autloc walks in meditation alone in the garden. Approach him in stealth and strike him down. Leave this close at hand. IXTA: So that Ian will be blamed! TLOTOXL: (Nods.) This time, Ixta...do not fail me. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (IAN has tried, and failed to retie the rope together.) IAN: Yes, I must try that stone in the garden. DOCTOR: I think you're right. IAN: But I'll need to someone to watch. SUSAN: Me. BARBARA: No, I think Susan should stay here. IAN: (Crossing over to her.) We'll be careful, Barbara! If Susan and I can get that stone free, we can let you into the tomb from the other side! SUSAN: Yes! BARBARA: (Reluctantly.) All right... IAN: Come on! (IAN and SUSAN runs out of view.) SUSAN: (As she leaves.) And don't worry! BARBARA: (Watching them go.) Oh, we're like drowning people, Doctor... DOCTOR: Oh now now now, don't worry, don't worry. Don't give up hope. BARBARA: Maybe it's this place. I just feel sometimes as if...all the people who've died here are watching. Waiting ... for me to die too. (The DOCTOR has no answer to that.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (IAN and SUSAN cautiously move through the garden towards the stone...) IAN: Sit yourself down behind that bush. SUSAN: Right. I'll whistle if anyone comes. IAN: Alright. (She moves under the cover of the bush. IAN crosses to the stone and grabs the upper edge.) SUSAN: (Shocked.) Ian! (IAN returns to SUSAN'S position. She's found AUTLOC, unconscious, with IAN'S club beside him.) SUSAN: Look! (As IAN looks him over.) Is he dead? IAN: No... (AUTLOC groans and starts to come to. IAN spots the club and picks it up.) IAN: (Realising.) This is a trap...this is mine! Ixta gave it to me! (He gets up.) Come on, let's get out of here! CAPTAIN: Hold them! (He is too late as the CAPTAIN and some guards swarm in, surrounding the two. The CAPTAIN seizes IAN'S club.) CAPTAIN: This belongs to you? IXTA: (Appearing from one side.) Yes. I gave it to him. (He helps AUTLOC up.) IXTA: Ian was helping the handmaiden to escape. He struck you down from behind. (AUTLOC looks shattered.) IAN: How do you know he was hit from behind? IXTA: That club belongs to Ian! Take them away! (The two start to be dragged off...) AUTLOC: (Weakly shouting after them.) You are the servants of a false goddess! (He holds his head in pain. IXTA smiles behind him at the departing captives.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. BARRACKS (TONILA stands by a smiling TLOTOXL, who is holding IAN'S club.) TLOTOXL: She is a false goddess. And now Autloc has proclaimed it. Yes, we cannot destroy her, Tonila, until the time is ripe. TONILA: The people would not understand. TLOTOXL: (Shrugging off TONILA'S worry.) The day of darkness is the perfect time. As the Perfect Victim leaves this land, so shall the woman who calls herself Yetaxa also depart. TONILA: How shall it be done? TLOTOXL: As the gods appear, may they not also disappear just as suddenly? I shall arrange it. I had a vision ... Tonila...of a room with three walls. The false Yetaxa shall be placed in that room...and the fourth wall added. Then order shall be restored. [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (Meanwhile, the DOCTOR is carving a small wheel out of a piece of wood with the use of a metal knife. CAMECA watches him.) CAMECA: Of all Aztec men, the High Priest of Knowledge is the most gentle. DOCTOR: Ian didn't hit him, Cameca. CAMECA: Yet his club was found here... DOCTOR: Yes. And as Ian said, he was in the garden. I know. But he's innocent. CAMECA: Yet he is to die. (He stops working.) DOCTOR: Yes. Butchered by Ixta. CAMECA: If it is your wish...let our marriage be postponed. (The DOCTOR shows pain in his expression. He restarts his task. CAMECA changes the subject.) CAMECA: What is it you're making? DOCTOR: Oh, just something to ... take my mind off the problem. CAMECA: Let me intercede with Autloc on your friend's behalf ... DOCTOR: It isn't just Tlotoxl that we have to contend with. (He looks around at the garden.) DOCTOR: He and his kind would destroy all this one day. CAMECA: How can it be prevented, if it is the will of the gods? DOCTOR: It isn't the will of Yetaxa. CAMECA: (Astonished.) The gods wish an end to sacrifice? DOCTOR: Yes, and Yetaxa speaks for them. But Autloc is needed here, and he won't go to the temple. CAMECA: I shall persuade him to go to Yetaxa, beloved. (The DOCTOR is touched. With a smile to CAMECA, he pats her hand affectionately.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (The guards leave AUTLOC alone with BARBARA.) BARBARA: I thank you for attending me, Autloc. AUTLOC: (Coldly.) Such gratitude is due to Cameca. BARBARA: Then thank her for me. (She takes a deep breath.) My servant did not strike you, Autloc. AUTLOC: The evidence we have proves he did. BARBARA: If that is true, then I am unworthy of your trust? (AUTLOC doesn't reply.) BARBARA: Of all people, Autloc...why should I harm you? No, there's some plan here. Who would benefit most by breaking up our friendship? Tlotoxl. AUTLOC: (Thoughtful.) Tlotoxl hates you, I know that...and Ixta does his bidding...and I am bewildered by the things that happened. I have many doubts. But in this matter...I must believe you. As for the others...I..I do not know if you are Yetaxa, I do not know what you are... BARBARA: My servants are in danger! Will you see them die? AUTLOC: Your handmaiden I may be able to protect. But the young man Ian is too closely guarded. BARBARA: He didn't strike you, Autloc! He didn't! AUTLOC: (With regret.) I cannot save him. (He walks out of the chamber. BARBARA hits the side if the door in frustration.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (The DOCTOR has finished his primitive wheel, and is looking it over for any flaws. CAMECA comes back up to him.) DOCTOR: Here you are, my dear. It's nearly finished. CAMECA: As is our time together. I do not know what its purpose is, but I've always known it would take you from me. DOCTOR: Yes. I'm sorry, my dear. CAMECA: Tomorrow will truly be a day of darkness. DOCTOR: For both of us. CAMECA: Tlotoxl is determined to destroy Yetaxa? DOCTOR: He must do, to safeguard his own beliefs. CAMECA: We are a doomed people, my dear. There is no turning back for us. DOCTOR: You are a very fine woman, Cameca. And you'll always be very, very dear to me. (CAMECA walks away from him, head bowed. As she walks though the garden, AUTLOC comes up to meet her.) AUTLOC: Cameca, I must speak with you. (She doesn't look up at him.) AUTLOC: You are sad, Cameca... CAMECA: I have just lost...all that is dear to my heart... AUTLOC: The same cloud hangs over us. The sunlight of the truth is darkened, and I must know the reason for that darkness. CAMECA: Yours is a tragedy far greater than mine. AUTLOC: Yet we may help each other. Although I have lost my faith in our traditions...I keep my faith in you. (He smiles.) CAMECA: And I in you, High Priest. (AUTLOC holds up a golden seal.) AUTLOC: See this ornament? It proves the title to my dwelling house and all my wealth. You will take it to the one who guards Yetaxa's handmaiden. It will serve to turn his head away while you take the girl up to the temple. (CAMECA takes the medallion from AUTLOC.) CAMECA: I shall do it. Where will you seek your truth? AUTLOC: In the wilderness, away from the influence of other men. CAMECA: You shall not search in vain. AUTLOC: And you, Cameca...be happy in the trust I place in you. (He salutes her, then turns and walks away from her. CAMECA's gaze slowly turns back to the DOCTOR, still looking over his wheel...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. BARRACKS (TONILA salutes the PERFECT VICTIM, now bare-chested, who is standing with IAN, SUSAN, and a host of guards.) TONILA: May your sacrifice bring pleasure to the gods and peace to our lands. PERFECT VICTIM: I thank Tonila for his many gratitudes. TONILA: I have come to escort you, as you walk among the people before you find your...destiny. SUSAN: What's to happen to us, Tonila? TONILA: You shall both be punished before the Perfect Victim goes to find his heaven. (IXTA comes into view.) IXTA: (To the PERFECT VICTIM.) I, Ixta the Chosen Warrior, shall proudly lead you to your glory! PERFECT VICTIM: May victory always rest upon your shoulders. IXTA: (To TONILA.) When we have reached the temple steps, bring them on. (To IAN.) We shall have one more meeting, Ian. IAN: (Coldly.) Yes. A final one. (With a harsh laugh, IXTA storms off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (The DOCTOR is hastily tying the rope around the throne as BARBARA looks on.) BARBARA: Doctor, why won't you listen to me? DOCTOR: They're all busy at the ceremony, and this is just the right time. BARBARA: But they'll be here at any moment! Don't you realise that? DOCTOR: Yes. Now, let me see... (He has finished tying the rope. He lifts it, testing its weight.) DOCTOR: Oh, uh, I-I think you ought to order Autloc to, to release Susan and Ian. BARBARA: What? In front of everybody? (He points at the door to the tomb.) DOCTOR: Yes! It'll only take me a moment to open the doors, and then we shall all dash through there before ... BARBARA: (Looking outside.) Shh! Shh! (The DOCTOR gets behind the throne, as BARBARA goes to meet TLOTOXL.) TLOTOXL: The procession has started. Are you ready to attend the ceremony? BARBARA: But where's Autloc? TLOTOXL: He will not be present. BARBARA: Why not? What have you done with him? TLOTOXL: (With a shrug.) I? Nothing. He has gone into the wilderness. BARBARA: (Taken aback.) When will he return? TLOTOXL: Never. (He leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. BARRACKS (The AZTEC CAPTAIN, wearing full regalia, including the Eagle helmet is pacing back and forth before IAN and SUSAN, who are seated at a bench. CAMECA comes in, and the CAPTAIN salutes her.) CAPTAIN: I greet you, Cameca. (She shows him the seal.) CAMECA: Do you know this ornament? Autloc desires that it shall be yours. It is the title to his dwelling and all his possessions. CAPTAIN: (Reaches out.) Give it to me ... CAMECA: (Holding it back.) You must earn it. CAPTAIN: How? CAMECA: Send away the warriors from outside this place. (The CAPTAIN walks to the door to do so.) IAN: (Gets up.) What are you doing? CAMECA: I've come to help you. It is important that the ... (The CAPTAIN returns, holding his hand out.) CAMECA: As I give you this, so you shall close your eyes. Autloc desires that the handmaiden shall leave here with me. (The CAPTAIN appears reluctant and, pondering the matter, walks in front of IAN and SUSAN, turning his back towards them.) CAMECA: (Insistently.) There is position and honour in this ornament... (The guard starts to speak ... and IAN seizes his chance, hitting him from behind. The two women look surprised at him.) IAN: Well, somebody had to make up his mind for him. (CAMECA kneels down and puts the ornament in the unconscious CAPTAIN'S hand.) CAMECA: (To SUSAN.) Come! Quickly! (To IAN.) The handmaiden must go to the temple with me! IAN: Go on, Susan. (CAMECA leads SUSAN out. IAN kneels down and plucks the Eagle helmet off of the CAPTAIN. Then, with a smile, he slips it on as he leaves in the other direction...) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. GARDEN OF PEACE (TLOTOXL absent-mindedly plucks at a plant as TONILA speaks beside him.) TONILA: The Perfect Victim stands before the people. (TLOTOXL nods, and scans the sky above him.) TLOTOXL: The darkness approaches. Now here is the order of my plan: We shall dispatch Ian and the girl, and then the sky will grow black. Then follows the perfect sacrifice. Then you and I, Tonila, will retire into the temple and bind the false Yetaxa. As light appears in the sky, we shall again stand in our places. (TONILA smiles.) TLOTOXL: Autloc has gone into the wilderness. You shall be High Priest of Knowledge in his place. (TONILA bows.) TONILA: I shall be at your side. (TLOTOXL viciously yanks a whole section of plant out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (The DOCTOR has fashioned a primitive pulley out of the wheel and a couple sticks. He pulls the rope onto the wheel. SUSAN runs in.) SUSAN: Grandfather! Grandfather... (He gratefully accepts her hug as Cameca enters.) DOCTOR: Oh my dear Susan! Ah... SUSAN: Where's Barbara? DOCTOR: (Indicates the anteroom.) She's in there. SUSAN: Oh, good. Barbara? Barbara... (SUSAN runs into the anteroom.) CAMECA: (Saluting.) I honour Autloc's trust. I bring you your handmaiden. DOCTOR: (Crossing over to her.) That was a very brave thing for you to do, Cameca. But you can't stay here. CAMECA: I'd hoped I might...stay by your side... (The DOCTOR shakes his head quietly.) CAMECA: (In a soft whisper.) Then think of me. (She turns, and starts to walk out. She pauses at the temple threshold.) CAMECA: Think of me... (The DOCTOR remains behind with a sad look on his face and sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. BARRACKS (The CAPTAIN is starting to wake up. But IXTA is there, in his Cougar head helmet. He turns the CAPTAIN over ... and picks up AUTLOC'S seal. TLOTOXL runs in.) TLOTOXL: Why do you delay? IXTA: (Points at the semi-conscious CAPTAIN.) He has betrayed us! Ian and the girl have gone! TLOTOXL: We dare not wait. The darkness will come and go. The sacrifice must be made! (He points at the CAPTAIN.) Kill him! (He runs out, as IXTA picks up an axe ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE (The PERFECT VICTIM stands beside TONILA, with the guards - including the disguised IAN - around them.) TONILA: Escort Yetaxa to the sacrificial altar. (IAN salutes, turns, and leads the guards into the main chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (He salutes before the seated BARBARA. She gets up and walks out ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE ( ... and stands before the stone.) TONILA: (To the guards.) Go now and bring those who are to be punished. (The guards leave, with the exception of IAN.) BARBARA: Where's Tlotoxl? The ceremony cannot begin without him. TONILA: He comes with the handmaiden. She shall be pierced with thorns. (He moves to his position by the stone. TLOTOXL runs up from the barracks, furious.) TLOTOXL: False goddess! You have betrayed us! I shall destroy you! (He raises a knife in his hand but IAN moves in, seizes the knife before he can bring it down. TLOTOXL screams ... ) TLOTOXL: Ixta! [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. TEMPLE BASE TLOTOXL: (OOV.) Ixta! (At the bottom of the temple steps, IXTA whirls around and races upwards...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE IAN: (To BARBARA.) Run, Barbara! (He forces the knife out of TLOTOXL'S hands as BARBARA rushes into the throne room ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER (...joining the DOCTOR and SUSAN in pulling the rope through the pulley.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE (TLOTOXL wrenches free from IAN then beckons to TONILA and the PERFECT VICTIM. They all run away, TLOTOXL shouting as he goes...) TLOTOXL: (OOV.) Ixta! Ixta! (IXTA arrives at the top of the stairs. Both divest themselves of their capes and pull out clubs. IXTA makes the first swing, hitting IAN'S shield ... IAN lashes out but misses. IXTA does the same. There is a back and forth flurry of blows - IAN is knocked back, to the edge of the temple floor. IXTA attacks, IAN sidesteps, turning IXTA around to the edge - another flurry. IAN gets battered onto the altar. IXTA moves in for the killing blow. IAN flings his shield away to block the blow, parries a couple more shots, gets up and clutches IXTA. IXTA who pushes him away, back to the edge. He swings - IAN barely dodges it - another swing, IAN'S legs get taken out from under him. IXTA lifts his club overhead but IAN grabs him and slings him over and IXTA, screaming, falls to a his death over the edge of the temple. His body lies awkwardly at the base of the building. IAN yanks off his eagle helmet and rejoins the others ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. TEMPLE. MAIN CHAMBER ( ... who have managed to pull the door up.) IAN: It's opening! DOCTOR: Go! Quickly! (The four rush for the TARDIS, IAN throwing his helmet onto the throne. The door closes behind them and when TLOTOXL, TONILA and the guards rush in a split-second later, the room is empty.) TONILA: The darkness, Tlotoxl! TLOTOXL: (A dismissing wave at the door.) Let them go! (TONILA places a knife in TLOTOXL'S hand. He walks back out to the darkened terrace ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: EXT. TEMPLE TERRACE ( ... where the shirtless PERFECT VICTIM has now been laid. TLOTOXL raises his arms at the now black sky and the eclipsed sun...) TLOTOXL: Great god of the sun and the warriors...I, Tlotoxl, thank you for this victory! In your honour, let perfect sacrifice be made! (He raises the knife above the PERFECT VICTIM ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. TOMB (BARBARA has taken off her headdress and places it down next to the corpse of the true Yetaxa. The DOCTOR looks on.) BARBARA: We failed... DOCTOR: Yes, we did. We had to. (She pulls off her cloak and lays it down.) BARBARA: Then what's the point of traveling through time and space? We can't change anything. Nothing. Tlotoxl had to win. DOCTOR: Yes. BARBARA: And the one man I had respect for...I deceived. Poor Autloc. I gave him false hope - and in the end, he lost his faith. (She pulls off the coiled serpent bracelet as the DOCTOR walks up to her.) DOCTOR: He found another faith. A better. And that's the good you've done. You failed to save a civilisation - but at least you helped one man. (BARBARA smiles as she lays the bracelet down and walks into the TARDIS. The DOCTOR stares at the body of Yetaxa for a moment. He pulls something out of his pocket - the medallion with Yetaxa's image on it. A gift from CAMECA. He places the medallion next to the corpse, turns, and starts to walk toward the TARDIS...and hesitates. He turns back, retakes the medallion and puts it in his pocket. Then, grabbing his walking stick, he enters the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR activates the TARDIS controls and the familiar dematerialisation noise sounds through the control room ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (LATER) (The column on the TARDIS console has come to a stop. SUSAN, in a change of clothes stands beside the DOCTOR as he looks the controls over. IAN and BARBARA, now in new clothes as well, walk over and joins them. The DOCTOR shakes his head in puzzlement at SUSAN.) IAN: What's the matter, Doctor? DOCTOR: We have a bit of a mystery, my boy. BARBARA: What sort of mystery? DOCTOR: It's my instruments. SUSAN: Yes. According to these controls here, we've stopped. DOCTOR: Yes, and those (Points at the other side of the console.) instruments say that we're still moving... IAN: Perhaps we've landed on top of something. DOCTOR: Yes... BARBARA: Or inside something... DOCTOR: Hmm?

The arrival of the TARDIS in 15th century Mexico leads the crew to the doomed Aztec people, a mixture of high culture and brutal savagery. Matters are further complicated when Barbara is mistaken for a god andthe Doctor becomes engaged to be married.

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cene: The apartment. Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on. Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better. Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3? Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better. Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5. Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise? Leonard: Well, five is partway between three... Never mind. Raj: I'll tell you what, how about we go rock-paper-scissors? Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. No, anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock. Raj: What? Sheldon: It's very simple. Look, scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors. Raj: Okay, I think I got it. (They prepare) Together: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock! (Both hold up the symbol for Spock) Oh! Howard (entering, wearing an eye patch): Hello, boys. Leonard: Ahoy, matey. Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable. Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters. Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye. Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs. Raj: What are negs? Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like "Normally, I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work." I've got a whole list of 'em. Who wants to be my wingman? Leonard: You're not gonna need wingman, you're gonna need a paramedic. Penny (entering): Howard, your scooter's blocking my car. Aw, did you get pinkeye again? Howard: Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair? (She reaches out, pulls his eye patch away from his face, then lets go allowing the elastic to spring it back into place.) Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster. Howard: Ow. Credits sequence. Scene: The same. Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended. Leonard: Well, I want to watch it now. Sheldon: Then I believe we've arrived at another quintessential rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock moment. Leonard: Watch whatever you want. Raj: I saw what you did there. Sheldon: What did I do? Leonard (answering phone): Hello. Hey, Howard. What's wrong? Okay. Okay, we'll be right there. Sheldon: What happened? Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover lab. He says he's in trouble. Defcon 5. Sheldon: Defcon 5? Well, there's no need to rush. Leonard: What? Sheldon: Defcon 5 means no danger. Defcon 1 is a crisis. Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1? Raj: Yeah, Star Trek V, worse than I. Sheldon: Okay, first of all, that's a comparison of quality, not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek I is orders-of-magnitude worse than Star Trek V. Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured. Sheldon: No, no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction, while Star Trek I fails across the board, art direction, costuming, music, sound editing. Leonard: Can we just forget I said Defcon and go? Raj: Star Trek V! Scene: A corridor at the university Sheldon: All right, will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best? Raj: I have three words for you. Wrath of Khan. Howard: Oh, thank God, you're here. Leonard: What's the emergency? Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch. Sheldon: Where? Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think? On Mars! Woman (peering out of door): Howard, is everything okay? Howard: Yeah, baby, I'll be right in. Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room? Howard: Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish. Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked? Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, iIt was a fiasco. What did work was, "How'd you like to visit a secret government facility?" Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do? Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here. She doesn't exactly have clearance. Sheldon: Really? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets? Howard: Yes, I was bad. Maybe she'll spank me. Can we please move on? Girl: Hey, Howard, you know, it's getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what? Howard: Yeah. No. I'm sorry, but something's come up. Kind of a Mars Rover, Mars Rover, can Howard come over, situation. So my friend Leonard is gonna take you home. Girl: Oh, okay. Let's go, friend Leonard. Leonard: Okay. Howard: I'll call ya. Girl: Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard? Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard. Howard: My mother is so gonna love her. Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison. Scene: Leonard's car. Leonard and the girl are kissing. Girl: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying? Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much. Girl: I really like that you're such a loyal friend. Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you? Girl: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch. Leonard: Then why did you? Girl: He said that I could drive a car on Mars. Leonard: Got it. So, can I see you again? Girl: You're not gonna see me now. Leonard: Ooh. Cool. Scene: The Mars Rover control room. Howard: Anything? Raj: Actually, I was just checking my e-mail. But, uh, no, the Rover is not responding. Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion. Howard: Hang on, there's got to be other options. Raj: You could try calling Triple-A, but based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years. Sheldon: Plus I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive. Raj: Oh, snap. Sheldon: Snap what? Howard: OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B. Raj: What's Plan B? Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run. Sheldon: Why wasn't that Plan A? Scene: The apartment. Voice from television: REPORTER: A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data, they will most likely be unable to determine the cause of the Mars Rover's malfunction. This is not the first time an exploratory mission to Mars has ended in disappointment. Howard: Thank God for Plan B. Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars Rover? Howard: No, you're mistaken. Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars. Howard: I don't know what you're talking about. Leonard: Psst! Psst! Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signalling that he'd like to talk to me in private. Penny: No. Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world. Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no. Sheldon: Is there some problem? Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while. Sheldon: All right, goodbye. Leonard: No, wait! If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know. Sheldon: Where are you going? Leonard: I can't tell you that. Sheldon: Who would ask me? Leonard: I can't tell you that, either. Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going and you can't tell me who might ask? Leonard: Yeah, I really didn't think this through. Sheldon: Leonard, a moment. Leonard: What? Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say? Leonard: I don't know. Just tell them I went to the office. Sheldon: Are you going to the office? Leonard: No. Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly? Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office. Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (exaggerated) the office. Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office. Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you'd just told me you were going the office. Leonard: I'm going to the office. Sheldon: See? Why don't I believe you? Leonard: I'm going out for a while. Howard: Okay. Sheldon: Doesn't anyone want to know where he's going? Penny: Okay, where is he going? Sheldon: Leonard is going to (exaggerated) the office. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The girl's apartment. Leonard: So how was work today? Girl: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel. Leonard: I'm hoping that's three different guys. Girl: No, just the one. He didn't make it. So, how was your day? Leonard: Oh, you know, I'm a physicist, so, I thought about stuff. Girl: That's it? Leonard: Well, I wrote some of it down. Girl: Are you done eating? Leonard: Uh, yeah. Girl: Oh, good. (Kisses him) Leonard: If I knew you were waiting, I would've swallowed that lasagna whole. Phone rings. Answering machine: You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep. Howard (voice): Hey, Steph, it's me again, Howard. Listen, if you're free Friday, maybe we could have a little something to eat at my place. My mom cooks a hell of a brisket. Let me know. It's Howard. Leonard: I've had her brisket. Melts in your mouth. Time shift Steph: Maybe we should think about going to the bedroom. Leonard: That's a good idea. There's a bed in there, and I'm very, very, very pro-bed. Phone rings. Answering machine: You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep. Howard (voice): Hey, it's me again. Just want to let you know the head count for dinner Friday has gone up. My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs. Oh, and if anybody should ask, you're half-Jewish on your mother's side. Okay, call me. It's Howard. Leonard: Don't you think we should tell him you're not interested? Steph: Do you want me to stop and call him back right now? Leonard: Dear God, no! Time shift Steph (from bedroom door): Oh, Leonard... Phone rings. Answering machine: You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message. Beep. Howard (voice): Hey, it's me again. Howard. Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you so that means we're gonna have to move the dinner to a restaurant. Howard's Mother (voice): Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden! I have a coupon from the paper. Howard (voice): We're not going to the Olive Garden, Mom! Howard's Mother (voice): Oh, Mr. Bigshot with his Red Lobster. Howard (voice): I'll call you back when we firm up the details. It's Howard. Scene: The laundry room Penny: Oh, hey. Leonard: Hey. Penny: New shirts? Leonard: Yeah, a couple. Penny: Nice. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: So, who's the girl? Leonard: I'm sorry? Penny: Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating. Leonard: So, uh, what we did was in fact dating? Penny: Well, yeah, we did have a date. Leonard: Exactly. Thank you. Do me a favour, tell Koothrappali that next time you see him. Penny: So, who is she? Leonard: Oh, she's a doctor. Penny: Oh, nice. A doctor doctor, or a you kind of doctor? Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not because, in fact, you're dating her, does that make you a bad person? Penny: Well, that depends. Leonard: On what? Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz? Leonard: Yeah. Penny: Screw him. You're fine. Leonard: Are you sure? Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet? You dog! Good for you. Leonard: Does that change things? Penny: No. Leonard: So why'd you ask? Penny: I'm nosy. See ya. Scene: Outside Howard's front door. Howard's Mother (voice): Howard, get the door! Howard (voice): Really? Is that what you do when someone knocks? Thank you. I had no idea! (opening door) Hey, buddy. What brings you to my little slice of hell? Howard's Mother (voice): Who is it?! Howard: It's Leonard! Howard's Mother (voice): You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive! Howard: No one cares, Ma! So, what's up? Leonard: Listen, I need to talk to you about something. Howard (his phone rings): Momentito. Yello. Oh, Stephanie, thanks for calling me back. I was worried... Oh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Uh-huh... No, I understand... Sure, we can be friends. Absolutely. Thanks for calling. Yeah, you have a nice day, too. (To Leonard) You are dead to me. Scene: The apartment Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling? All: Rock-paper-scissors- lizard-Spock. Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock. Howard: How do we decide that? All: Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock. Oh! Leonard: Oh, hey, guys. Sheldon: Hello. Raj: Hey. Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard? Howard: Sheldon. Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence. Leonard: That's just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him? Sheldon: I don't make the rules, Leonard. Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn't plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen. Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze? Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by. Raj: You know, screw it, I'm just gonna eat the dumpling. Leonard (answering door): Oh, hi, Steph, come on in. Steph: Is this a bad time? Leonard: Yeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon, so... Howard: Oh, if it isn't Mrs. Dead to Me. Steph: Hello, Howard. Howard: Sheldon? Sheldon: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence. I'm out. Leonard: He just won't listen to me. Steph: Okay, I guess it'll just be the three of us then. Leonard: Hmm. Lisa's gonna be disappointed. Steph: Yeah. Howard: Lisa? Steph: Yeah, my roommate. She just went through a really bad breakup and I thought she might like to meet somebody fun like you. Howard: Leonard, Stephanie, you're alive, it's a miracle! Scene: The apartment kitchen. Howard is on the phone. Howard: So, anyway, Lisa, I just wanted to tell you again how much I enjoyed the other night, and again, I'm sorry for how it ended. But again, if you could let me know about Friday. My mother needs a head count so she can know how big a brisket to get. Leonard: Howard, Howard, look at this. Howard: Anyway, call me. It's Howard. Voice from TV: The possibility of life on Mars has long fascinated scientists and laypersons alike. It's unclear how the Mars Rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain, the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars. It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible. Howard: Son of a bitch.

Howard meets Dr. Stephanie Barnett at a bar and invites her to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory to drive the Mars rover, but his plan fails when the rover gets stuck in a Martian ditch; he has Leonard smuggle his unauthorized lady visitor out of the building. She immediately likes Leonard, much preferring him to Howard, and makes out with him in his car. Howard subsequently destroys all security tapes and hard drives relating to the mission. Later, Stephanie tells Howard that she has started dating Leonard, but Howard forgives the pair when she invites him to meet her friend Lisa on a double date. In the end, Howard hears on TV news that the rover found water on Mars at the bottom of the ditch, but because he had all the security data destroyed, it could not be determined who was responsible for the discovery. Meanwhile, Sheldon and Raj play a game of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock, "The Lizard-Spock Expansion" of the traditional rock-paper-scissors game, to decide who gets to watch what on TV, but they both choose Spock. They, along with Howard, then play the game for Leonard's dumpling. When, again, all choose Spock, they conclude that someone must stop playing Spock. They try to determine who by playing the game but, yet again, all choose Spock.

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fd_Doctor_Who_03x08_0

INT. THE TARDIS The central console of the TARDIS is sparking crazily as Martha and The Doctor start to pick themselves up off the floor. The Doctor dashes to Martha, grabs her hand and pulls her to up, then pulls her eye to eye. THE DOCTOR (urgently): Did they see you? MARTHA: I don't know! THE DOCTOR: Did they see you? MARTHA: I don't know, I was too busy running! DOCTOR: Martha, it's important... Did they see your face? MARTHA: No, they couldn't have! The Doctor runs round the console and starts playing with controls. THE DOCTOR: Off we go! Martha comes to stand next to him as he watches the time rotor intently. As a warning beep cuts in, we see symbols on the console screen. THE DOCTOR (annoyed): Ahhh! (He grabs the console screen and reads it). They're following us. (He goes back to the controls). MARTHA: How can they do that, you've got a time machine. THE DOCTOR: Stolen technology, they've got a Time Agent's vortex manipulator. They can follow us wherever we go, right across the universe... (pause) they're never going to stop. (He runs a hand through his hair nervously and stares, then an idea comes to him). (Quietly): Unless... I'll have to do it... (He stares into Martha's eyes). Martha, you trust me don't you? MARTHA: Of course I do. THE DOCTOR: Cause it all depends on you. He dives below the console to retrieve something, Martha watches on in confusion. MARTHA: What does, what am I supposed to do? The Doctor reappears holding an ornate pocket watch aloft. THE DOCTOR: Take this watch, 'cause my life depends on it. The watch, Martha, the watch is... INT. VICTORIAN ROOM The Doctor is lying in a bed sporting a pair of blue striped pyjamas. His eyes flick open suddenly, cutting in from the last scene. He blinks in confusion a few times, and we see he is in an ornate Victorian room, wood panelling and framed paintings. After a couple of seconds, he pushes himself to sit up, feet on the floor. As he rubs his eyes, we hear a knock. Shortly after, there is the sound of a door opening. THE DOCTOR (calls): Come in. Martha enters, wearing a Victorian maid's uniform and carrying a tray of breakfast. As she sees the Doctor sitting on his bed, her eyes widen and she turns back. MARTHA: Pardon me, Mr Smith, you're not dressed yet. I can come back later. She turns to go as the Doctor stands, pulling and tying a dressing gown around himself. THE DOCTOR: No, it's alright, it's alright. Put it down. Martha walks to a table in the middle of the room and sets the tray down, keeping her eyes lowered. The Doctor watches her thoughtfully. THE DOCTOR: I was, um... (pause). Sorry, sorry. (Thoughtfully). Sometimes I have these extraordinary dreams. Martha crosses to the window and pulls the curtains open. MARTHA: What about, sir? THE DOCTOR: I dream I'm this... (he searches for the right term) Adventurer. This... daredevil, a madman. "The Doctor", I'm called. And last night I dreamt that you were there, as my... companion. Martha crosses back to the tray on the table.The Doctor's eyes have been following her across the room. MARTHA: A teacher and a housemaid, sir? That's impossible. THE DOCTOR: Ah no, a man from another world, though... MARTHA: Well it can't be true because there's no such thing. The Doctor has moved to the fireplace and looks at the mantle- where the watch is sitting. THE DOCTOR: This thing... (He picks up the watch). The watch... Martha watches him, hopeful, but after holding it for a second he replaces it on the mantle with a sigh. THE DOCTOR: Ah, it's funny how dreams slip away. (He turns back to Martha). But I do remember one thing, it all took place in the future. In the year of Our Lord two thousand and seven. MARTHA: I can prove that wrong for you sir, here's the morning paper. (She hands it to him). It's monday, november tenth, nineteen thirteen, and you're completely human, sir. (She smiles at him). As human as they come. THE DOCTOR: Mmm, that's me; completely human. He smiles. OPENING CREDITS The Union Jack flag is being raised to full mast as a choir of boys sing a hymn. We see an impressive old school building, almost like a fortress and a group of schoolboys, marching in regimented lines into the school grounds. An early motor car beeps its horn as it drives past the gates to pull up near to the main door. The Doctor, in a suit, mortat board and teacher's gown, walks past a group of students before turning into the main door. BOY 1: Morning, Sir. He passes a young boy in the corridor. BOY: Morning, Sir. A bell rings, calling the start of school. Further into the building, the Doctor passes more teachers and nods to one who is heading for a flight of stairs. THE DOCTOR: Headmaster. A little later, and we see the Doctor taking a history lesson, cane in one hand and textbook in another. The neat copperplate writing on the chalkboard reads "Battle of Waterloo, 18th June 1815". The Doctor is reading aloud from the textbook while the class look on attentively. THE DOCTOR: Impediment. The French were all but spent, with only two battalions of the old guard remaining. A final reserve force was charged with protecting Napoleon. By evening, the advance of the Allied troops had forced them to retreat. Out in the school corridor, Martha and Jenny, another maid, are on their hands and knees scrubbing the tiled floor. The Doctor walks past, making Martha smile. Her eyes follow him as he passes. MARTHA: Morning, Sir. The Doctor slows down a little and answers distractedly. THE DOCTOR: Yes, hi. He disappears up the stairs. JENNY: Head in the clouds, that one. Don't know why you're so sweet on him. She smiles slyly then they both carry on scrubbing. MARTHA: He's just kind to me, that's all. Not everyone's that considerate, what with me being... She points to her face. We assume she means the colour of her skin. Jenny smiles. JENNY: A Londoner? MARTHA: Exactly. (She grins). Good old London town! Two senior boys, Baines and Hutchinson walk over the area Martha and Jenny are cleaning, and look back as the girls laugh. BAINES (authoritatively): Ah, now then, you two. Martha and Jenny stop laughing and look up. BAINES: You're not paid to have fun, are you. Put a little backbone into it. JENNY: Yes Sir, sorry, Sir. HUTCHINSON (looking at Martha): You there, what's your name again? MARTHA: Martha, Sir. Martha Jones. HUTCHINSON: Tell me then, Jones. With hands like those, how can you tell when something's clean? The two boys laugh cruelly and leave. Martha and Jenny watch them. MARTHA (deadpan): That's very funny, Sir. JENNY: Careful now, don't answer back. MARTHA: I'd answer back with my bucket over his head. Jenny laughs as they both go back to scrubbing. JENNY: Oh I wish! Jenny thinks of something and stops, looking after the two boys. JENNY: Just think though. In a few years time boys like that will be running the country. MARTHA (quieter): Nineteen thirteen. They might not. In one of the upper corridors, matron Joan Redfern passes a student. BOY: Excuse me, ma'am. The Doctor is overloaded with a stack of books as matron Joan Redfern approaches. JOAN: Oh, good morning, Mr Smith. The Doctor fumbles with the top book and it falls to the floor. He quickly steps on it to stop it falling away. THE DOCTOR: There we go. JOAN: Let me help you. THE DOCTOR: No, no, I've got it, no... (He wonders how he is going to pick the book up with his arms full). Um... ah... Just to... retrieve... ah... If you could take these... He hands her the stack of books, then bends to pick up the book. JOAN: Good. She smiles warmly. THE DOCTOR: No harm done. (He smiles back at her). So, um, how was Jenkins? JOAN: Oh just a cold, nothing serious. I think he's missing his mother, more than anything. THE DOCTOR (sympathetically): Aw, can't have that. JOAN: He received a letter this morning so he's a lot more chipper. (She looks down at the stack of books she is still holding). I appear to be holding your books. The Doctor is still staring at matron Joan Fedfern's face, then suddenly snaps back to life. THE DOCTOR: Yes, so you are! Sorry, sorry. He starts to relieve matron Joan Redfern of the books awkwardly. THE DOCTOR: Just let me... JOAN: No, why don't I take half? THE DOCTOR: Ah, brilliant idea, brilliant. Perfect. Division of labour. JOAN: We make quite a team. THE DOCTOR: Don't we just. He is still all smiles, daft in the presence of matron Joan Redfern JOAN: So, these books. Were they being taken in any particular direction? THE DOCTOR: Yes. Um... (He looks up the corridor, thinking- then turns to the other direction). This way. Ever the gentleman, he lets Joan lead on. In another corridor, he has finally settled into a coherent conversation. THE DOCTOR: I always say, Matron, give the boys a good head of steam, they'll soon wear themselves out. JOAN: Truth be told, when it's just you and me, I'd much rather you call me Nurse Redfern. "Matron" sounds rather... well, matronly. THE DOCTOR: Ah, Nurse Redfern it is then. JOAN: Though we've known each other all of two months, you could even say "Joan". THE DOCTOR: Joan? JOAN: That's my name. THE DOCTOR (flustered): Well, obviously. JOAN: And it's John, isn't it? THE DOCTOR: Yes, yes it is. A wooden noticeboard is on one wall of the landing. JOAN REDFERN spots a particular notice and heads towards it. JOAN: Have you seen this, John? The annual dance at the village hall tomorrow. It's nothing formal, but rather fun by all accounts. (Hopefully). Do you think you'll go? The Doctor stammers for a moment, unsure how to answer. THE DOCTOR (flustered): I hadn't thought about it. JOAN: It's been ages since I've been to a dance, only no-one's asked me. She laughs nervously, there is a short tense silence. THE DOCTOR (trying to rescue the conversation): Well, I should imagine that you would be... um... I mean I never thought you'd be one for... I mean there's no reason why you shouldn't... if you do, you may not... I probably won't, but even if I did then I couldn't... um, I mean I wouldn't want to... JOAN: The stairs. THE DOCTOR: It... what about the stairs? JOAN: They're right behind you. The Doctor turns to see and overbalances, falling backwards down the stairs and sending the books flying. Joan turns away for a split second, but we see her concern. A little later, Joan is cleaning a cut on the back of the Doctor's head. He groans against the pain. JOAN (hiding a smile): Stop it. I get boys causing less fuss than this. THE DOCTOR (sulkily): Because it hurts! Martha bursts in, all concern. MARTHA: Is he alright? JOAN: Excuse me, Martha. It's hardly good form to enter a master's study without knocking. MARTHA (a little annoyed): Sorry, right, yeah. (She runs back to the door and knocks it before returning). But is he alright? (She looks at the Doctor). They said you fell down the stairs, Sir. THE DOCTOR (mumbled): No, it was just a tumble, that's all. MARTHA (to Joan): Have you checked for concussion? JOAN: I have. And I daresay I know a lot more about it than you. Martha remembers her place and nods. MARTHA: Sorry. I'll just... (She looks at the Doctor and moves towards the desk). Tidy your things. THE DOCTOR: I was just telling Nurse Redfern... Matron, um, about my dreams. They are quite remarkable tales. Martha looks up in interest as the Doctor explains to Joan. THE DOCTOR: I keep imagining that I'm someone else, and that I'm hiding... JOAN: Hiding? In what way? THE DOCTOR: Um... er... almost every night... (He laughs). This is going to sound silly... JOAN: Tell me. THE DOCTOR: I dream, quite often, that I have two hearts. JOAN: Well then, I can be the judge of that. Reaching into a battered doctor's bag, she draws out a stethoscope with a smile. Martha has been watching, but turns and walks away as Joan places the stethoscope against the Doctor's chest. We hear a heartbeat on the left side of his chest, and Martha turns to see the result of the right side. There is nothing. JOAN: I can confirm the diagnosis, just one heart, singular. Martha seems a little disappointed, but the Doctor laughs at his silliness. THE DOCTOR: I have written down some of these dreams in the form of fiction... um... not that it would be of any interest. JOAN: I'd be very interested. The Doctor looks in amazement, and Joan nods. The Doctor stands and moves to the desk. THE DOCTOR: Well... I've never shown it to anyone before. He hands her a black leather-bound journal, and she reads the handwritten title on the first page. JOAN: "Journal of Impossible Things". She turns the pages, and we see they are covered in both writing and ink pictures. The central console is sketched on the first page, then the monitor screen section, a detailed sketch of a gas-mask victim from his earlier encounter with the nanogenes. JOAN: Just look at these creatures! She turns the page again to reveal a Dalek in all its inked glory. JOAN: Such imagination. THE DOCTOR: Mmm. It's become quite a hobby. More pages, more sketches and pages of writing. The face of the Moxx of Balhoon gives way to a sketch of two Autons, then to the face of one of the clockwork robots that had tried to take the brain of Madame de Pompadour. JOAN: It's wonderful. And quite an eye for the pretty girls. In the centre of the next page is a sketch of Rose's face. THE DOCTOR: Oh no no, she's just an invention. This character, Rose, I call her, Rose. Martha appears in the background, looking at the Doctor. THE DOCTOR (thoughtfully): Seems to disappear later on... Another page, another sketch; this time of a quartet of Cybermen, and in the top corner on the next page, a small sketch of the TARDIS. As the Doctor explains it, there is a bigger, more detailed sketch further down the page. THE DOCTOR: Ah, that's the box, the blue box, it's always there. Like a... like a magic carpet, this funny little box that transports me to far away places. JOAN: Like a doorway? THE DOCTOR: Mmm. The next page is a mess of writing, but the pictures stand out brightly; the faces the Doctor has had before. THE DOCTOR: I sometimes think how magical life would be if things like this were true. JOAN: If only. THE DOCTOR: It's just a dream. He gives a short, quiet laugh. The next page has a familiar picture, the Doctor's watch, inside and out. A school bell rings in the background, and Joanis leaving the Doctor's quarters with the journal. Martha runs to follow her. MARTHA: Ma'am! That book... Joan turns round and stops. JOAN: Oh I'll look after it, don't worry. He did say I could read it. She goes to leave. MARTHA: But it's silly, that's all. Joan turns back. MARTHA: Just stories. JOAN (seriously): Who is he, Martha? MARTHA: I'm sorry? JOAN: It's like he's left the kettle on. Like... he knows he has something to get back to, but he can't remember what. MARTHA (laughs nervously): That's just him. JOAN: You arrived with him, didn't you? He found you employment here at the school, isn't that right? MARTHA: I used to work for the family, he just sort of inherited me. JOAN: Well, I'd be careful. If you don't mind my saying, you sometimes seem a little familiar with him. Best remember your position. With a nod, she leaves. Martha looks unimpressed. MARTHA: Yes Ma'am. Joan heads down the stairs while Martha strides back to the Doctor's quarters. In one of the dormitories, a younger boy is called on by Hutchinson. HUTCHINSON: Ah, Latimer. Here you are, Latin translation. He throws a book to the floor, and Latimer crosses to pick it up obediently. HUTCHINSON: Blasted Kitulus. I want it done by morning. LATIMER: Yes sir. Latimer sits on his bed an opens the book, starting to work. HUTCHINSON: And no mistakes. I want it written by best handwriting. (He opens a letter and starts to read). Listen, Father says he's been promoted. Baines is sitting close by, and raises his head from his own book at this. HUTCHINSON: That means more money. Might end up in a better school. LATIMER: Ah, he should enjoy it, sir. My uncle had a six month posting in Johannesburg. Says it was the most beautiful countryside on God's earth. HUTCHINSON: What are you talking about? LATIMER (stands up): Africa. Your father. HUTCHINSON: You been reading my post? LATIMER: What? HUTCHINSON: Who said Africa? I've only just read the word myself. He stands and crosses to Latimer. Speeding up as he gets closer, he grabs Latimer by the collar and forces him against the wall. HUTCHINSON: How did you know that? LATIMER: I haven't... HUTCHINSON: Have you been spying on me? LATIMER: No! I just guessed. HUTCHINSON: What's that supposed to mean? LATIMER: I'm good at guessing, that's all. Hutchinson gives him a suspicious look that turns to anger, before letting go of Latimer's collar. HUTCHINSON: Idiot. He strides away. Latimer straightens his jacket and moves slowly back towards the bed. LATIMER: Sometimes I say things and they turn out to be correct. Just little things. Tiny things. I can't help it... it's just some sort of luck. Baines and Hutchinson look at him for a moment, then Baines rises to his feet. BAINES: Right, well never mind that little toad, who's for beer? HUTCHINSON: You've got beer? BAINES: No, but Baxter's hidden a secret supply in Blackdown woods. HUTCHINSON: Well what are you waiting for? Baines moves to the window and unlatches it, then starts to climb out. HUTCHINSON: Make sure the Burser's down the pub before you go past his window. BAINES: A bottle for everyone, is it? HUTCHINSON: And none for the filth. (He looks at Latimer as Baines climbs out). And hurry back, Baines, I'm parched. As Baines salutes and climbs down, Latimer turns away sadly. Out in the night, Jenny is sitting on a bench outside the village pub. Martha comes out carrying two pints, wrapped up tightly in coat, hat and gloves. MARTHA: Ooh, it's freezing out here! Why can't we have a drink inside the pub? JENNY: Now don't be ridiculous, you do get these notions! It's all very well those Suffragettes; but that's London, that's miles away. MARTHA: But don't you want to scream sometimes, having to bow and scrape and behave, don't you just wanna tell them? JENNY (smiles): I dunno. Things must be different in your country. MARTHA: Yeah, well they are. Thank God I'm not staying. JENNY: You keep saying that. MARTHA: Just you wait. One more month and I'm as free as the wind. I wish you could come with me, Jenny - you'd love it! JENNY: Where are you gonna go? MARTHA: Anywhere. (looks to the stars). Just look up there. Imagine you could go all the way out to the stars. Jenny laughs. JENNY: You don't half say mad things! MARTHA: That's where I'm going. Into the sky, all the way out. Jenny laughs again, but Martha is fixed on the stars. Suddenly, a green light flares into and out of existence in the night sky. Martha is surprised. MARTHA: Did you see that? JENNY: See what? MARTHA: Did you see it though? (She stands). Right up there, just for a second. JENNY: Martha, there's nothing there. Martha is unconvinced. Joan is crossing a field alone- suddenly, the green light bursts into life brighter than before, a few metres ahead and hovering in the sky. She shields her eyes, and we see a green beam shining down on her. After a few seconds, the beam goes out, leaving Joan staring. Turning to look the way she has come, the green beam lights up again, and starts to drift across the countryside before going out again. Spooked by it all, she turns and runs. A while later, she reaches the pub. Martha sees her coming and stands up, aware that the woman is distressed. MARTHA: Matron, are you alright? JOAN (breathless): Did you see that? There was something in the woods... this light... The Doctor emerges from the pub and approaches the women. THE DOCTOR: Anything wrong, ladies? Far too cold to be standing around in the dark, don't you... JOAN (interrupts): There! Pointing into the night sky, we see the light fly over again, like a shooting star. JOAN: There, look in the sky! JENNY: That's beautiful. THE DOCTOR: There... orgom. Commonly known as a meteorite. It's just rocks falling to the ground, that's all. JOAN: It came down in the woods. THE DOCTOR: No, no no, they always look close, when actually they're miles off. Nothing left but a cinder. (Turns to Joan). Now, I should escort you back to the school. (Turns to Martha and Jenny). Ladies? MARTHA (still staring at the sky): No, we're fine, thanks. THE DOCTOR: Then I shall bid you goodnight. Putting on his hat, The Doctor and Joan walk away back towards the school. Martha waits until they are out of earshot. MARTHA: Jenny, where was that? On the horizon, where the light was headed. JENNY: That's by Cooper's Field. Martha starts to run in the same direction. Jenny calls after her. JENNY: You can't just run off! It's dark, you'll break a leg! She sighs, stands up and runs after Martha. In Blackdown Woods, Baines has found the stash of beer. Picking up a crate, a strange sounds makes him stop. On cue, the strange green light drifts down towards the woodland floor a few metres ahead. Baines watches, then the light goes out. Curious, he scrambles over a log and heads to where it faded. BAINES: I say, hello? Is that some kind of aeroplane? You chaps alright? He is cut off abruptly as he walks into a clearing, and headlong into something. A green forcefield flares into life, repelling Baines. When the forcefield dies down, there is nothing to be seen. Experimentally, Baines reaches out both hands and pushes them forward until they connect with the forcefield again. As it flares into life, he withdraws them with a gasp. He looks around but can see nothing. He tries the same thing with his fist, but takes it back quickly as the forcefield reacts to the blow. BAINES: What... that's... that's impossible! He slowly pushes the palms of his hands against the forcefield again, and can see indents that could be windows. Sliding one hand along, it strike a button and there is the sound of a door or airlock opening. BAINES: Some kind of door... Hello? (He shouts into the opening, his shout echoes). Is... Is anyone there? Stretching his hands out again, he follows them through the door and into the craft. Martha is still running, heading through the woods. Jenny is right behind, and slowly gratefully as Martha stops. They are in the same clearing as the craft, but there is nothing to be seen. JENNY (breathless): There y'are... Nothing there. I told you so. MARTHA: And that's Cooper's Field? JENNY: As far as the eye can see, and no falling star. Now come on, I'm frozen to the bone, let's go. As your Mr Smith says, "Nothing to see". Jenny turns and strides away, but Martha gives one last look before following. It's dark inside the craft, wires trailing. Baines is talking. BAINES: But I don't understand. Who are you? A strange, distorted alien voice replies. FATHER: We are the Family. MOTHER: Far more important, who are you, little thing? BAINES: My name is Baines. Jeremy Baines. Please can I go? MOTHER: I'm so sorry, Baines, Jeremy Baines, but I don't think you can ever leave. BAINES: But... Who are you? Why can't I see you? MOTHER / FATHER: Why would you want to see us? BAINES: I want to know what you look like. MOTHER: Oh, that's easily answered, because very soon, we will look so familiar. Something emerges from the dark, and Bainesscreams. Latimer is polishing shoes in the dormitory, while the senior boys play a card game at a long wooden table. A clock is striking a late hour. HUTCHINSON: Where is he? Promises us beer then vanishes into the night. As if on cue, a hand knocks at the window. Latimer and the other boys look round. HUTCHINSON: There he is. (To one of the younger boys): Let him in. The Boy goes to the window and unlatches it. Baines climbs in, and Latimer looks up, wary. HUTCHINSON: Baines, you dolt. I thought you'd been caught by the rozzers. Baines is wide-eyed and blank-faced, and doesn't reply. HUTCHINSON: Well then? Where is it, man? Where's the blessed beer? BAINES: There was no beer. It was gone. HUTCHINSON: Damn it all, I've been waiting. Pretty poor show, Baines, I have to say. Baines sniffs loudly. HUTCHINSON: What's the matter with you? Caught sniffles out there? BAINES: Yes, I must have. It was cold. Very cold. Latimer keeps looking up, uneasy. HUTCHINSON: Well don't spread it about, I don't want your germs. Come on, might as well get some sleep. (To the other boys): Come on chaps, maybe tomorrow. Baines is looking at Latimer. HUTCHINSON (continues): Jackson's got some beer in the pavillion. Latimer goes back to polishing. The next day, Martha is riding a bike towards an old stone barn near the wood. Pushing open the door, she smiles as she enters. Reaching around her neck, she withdraws something on a long chain round her neck, a TARDIS key, as the TARDIS itself stands further inside the barn. Martha unlocks the door and goes in- the console room is mostly in darkness. MARTHA (she smiles): Hello. (Shakes her head): I'm talking to a machine... Taking off her gloves, she heads for the console. Sighing, she looks up at the time rotor, dormant. Closing her eyes, we see her memories of how they all came to be there. THE DOCTOR: Look out! Martha dives to the floor as a bolt flashes past, creating a fountain of sparks to erupt from the console. In real time, Martha walks round the console towards the console screen. Back in her memories, the Doctor growls in anger. THE DOCTOR: They're following us! They can follow us wherever we go. Right across the universe. They're never going to stop... Martha, you trust me don't you? MARTHA: Of course I do. THE DOCTOR: 'Cause it all depends on you. Back in real time, Martha reaches the console. In her memory, the Doctor is holding his pocket watch in front of her. THE DOCTOR: Martha, this watch is me. Confused, Martha takes it off him as he runs round the console. MARTHA: ... Right, okay, gotcha... No, hold on! Completely lost! THE DOCTOR: Those creatures are hunters, they can sniff out anyone- and me being a Time Lord; well, I'm unique. They can track me down across the whole of time and space. MARTHA (laughs): And the good news is? THE DOCTOR: They can smell me, they haven't seen me. And their life's bound to be running out, so, we hide, wait for them to die. MARTHA: But they can track us down. THE DOCTOR (stops and looks at her, serious): That's why I've got to do it. I have to stop being a Time Lord. I'm gonna become human. In real time, Martha looks up at the TARDIS ceiling- where a strange headset is hanging from a cable. In her memory, the Doctor does the same as it lowers into his reach. THE DOCTOR: Never thought I'd use this. All the times I've wondered. MARTHA: What does it do? THE DOCTOR: Chameleon Arch. Re-write my biology. Literally changes every single cell in my body. I've set it to human. Taking the pocket watch back off Martha, he fits it into a section of the headset. THE DOCTOR: Now, the TARDIS will take care of everything. Invent a life story for me, find me a setting and integrate me. Can't do the same for you... you'll just have to improvise. I should have just enough residual awareness to let you in. MARTHA: But... hold on, if you're going to rewrite every single cell, isn't it going to hurt? THE DOCTOR: Oh yeah. It hurts. Flickering between real life and her memory now, looking up at the headset, it cuts between that and the Doctor wearing it, power passing through it and making him scream in pain as Martha can only watch in horror. Turning away from the memory, Martha activates a few of the controls on the console. The screen fizzes from its normal display to show the Doctor, addressing the camera. THE DOCTOR: This working? (Taps the camera). Martha, before I change here's a list of instructions for when I'm human. One, don't let me hurt anyone. We can't have that, but you know what humans are like. Two, don't worry about the TARDIS, I'll put it on emergency power so they can't detect it, just let it hide away. Four- no, wait a minute, three. No getting involved in big historical events. Four, you. Don't let me abandon you. And fi... Twisting a dial, Martha speeds through more of the Doctor's speech. MARTHA: But there was a meteor, a shooting star, what am I supposed to do then? She lets go of the dial at the last item on the Doctor's list. THE DOCTOR: And twenty three. If anything goes wrong, if they find us, Martha, then you know what to do. Open the watch. [SCENE_BREAK] Back at the school, the Doctor is heading over to the fireplace in his study. THE DOCTOR (voiceover from the recording): Everything I am is kept safe in there. The Doctor in the study picks up the watch and looks at it, turning it over in his hands. THE DOCTOR (voiceover): Now, I've put a perception filter on it so the human me won't think anything of it, to him it's just a watch. Back on the screen, the Doctor is serious. THE DOCTOR: But don't open it unless you have to. Because once it's open, then the Family will be able to find me. It's all down to you, Martha. Your choice. He walks off-screen, then returns. THE DOCTOR: Oh, and, thank you. With a smile, the recording stops and the screen returns to its usual display. MARTHA (in a whisper): I wish you'd come back. Latimer is outside a door marked "J. Smith". He knocks, the door opens, and the Doctor looks at him. LATIMER: You told me to come and collect that book, Sir. THE DOCTOR: Good lad, yes... yes! "The Definitive Account of Mafeking" by Aitchison-Price, where did I put it? He walks to his desk, Latimer following slowly behind. THE DOCTOR: And I wanted a little word, your marks aren't quite good enough. LATIMER: I'm top ten in my class, sir. THE DOCTOR: Now, be honest, Timothy. You should be the very top. You're a clever boy, but you seem to be hiding it. (To himself). Where is that book... With no luck finding the book on his desk, the Doctor walks into an annexe libray off the main room. THE DOCTOR: And I know why. Keeping your head low avoids the mockery of your classmates. But no man should hide himself, don't you think? Latimre has heard something... LATIMER: Yes sir... The watch on the mantlepiece seems to be drawing his attention. THE DOCTOR (off screen): You're clever, be proud of it. Use it. Over the top of all this, there are whispering voices eminating from the watch. heard only by Latimer. VOICES: Time Lord...Timothy, hide yourself... I'm trapped, kept inside the cogs... Latimer presses the watch's release button- and it opens, releasing wisps of golden energy. Somewhere out in the grounds, Baines' head jerks round, catching the trail. As the Doctor comes back into the room, Latimer quickly closes and pockets the watch. THE DOCTOR: Fascinating details about the siege, really quite remarkable, are you alright? LATIMER: Yes Sir. Fine, Sir. THE DOCTOR: Right then. Good. And remember, use that brain of yours! The Doctor holds out the book and Latimer goes to take it- but as soon as he touches it, he sees a vision of the Doctor as a different man to the teacher. VOICES: Power of a Time Lord. The Doctor as we know him best, pinstripe suit and weilding his sonic screwdriver. The vision fades as the Doctor releases the book, leaving Latimer shaken. THE DOCTOR: You're really not looking yourself, old chap, anything bothering you, or...? LATIMER (in shock): No Sir... Thank you, Sir. Walking quickly, he exits, closing the door behind him. Latimer stands for a moment, before running up the stairs to the dormitory. Sitting on his bed, he has taken the watch out again and can hear the voices. He opens it again, letting out more of the golden light and louder voices. VOICES: You are not alone... Keep me hidden... More images come to Latimer's mind: Daleks, Cybermen, Ood, the werewolf from the Torchwood Estate, the Emperess of the Racnoss, Lazarus, the Sycorax... He snaps the watch shut again. Outside, Baines sniffs loudly. A teacher is ringing a handbell, signalling a change in classes. Baines is walking through the corridors- in a quieter corridor from the main hallway, he stops and turns to look. Stepping into the gap beneath the main stairs, his eyes roll back and a green glow surrounds him; he is communicating with the Family. BAINES: There is a trace, but somehow scattered. The scent is confused. Nevertheless, we'd best arm ourselves. The glow disappears and Baines' eyes open. BAINES: Activate the soldiers. A portly, middle-aged man is striding down a lane in the village. This is Mr Clarke. As he looks into a field, the ragged scarecrow stiffly raises its arm in a greeting. Mr Clarke stops, a double take, as the scarecrow lowers its arm again. Shaking his finger at the scarecrow, believing it to be a trick, he strides towards it. CLARKE: That is my property, and you're trespassing on my land! He is standing eye-to-eye with the scarecrow now. CLARKE: Come on, who's in there? Angrily, he starts pulling the straw from the scarecrow's body to try and find the prankster within. CLARKE: One of those idiot boys from the school, is it, eh? Come on, there's... But he has pulled out almost all of the straw, and his hand has gone through the body of the scarecrow and through the fabric of the back. Rifling through the straw, he looks up at the head, bemused. CLARKE: But how did you... The scarecrow's head tilts to one side, as two identical scarecrows walk stiffly up the bank behind Mr Clarke. The first scarecrow raises his arms, signalling an attack. Mr Clarke turns and find himself surrounded as more and more scarecrows appear. A little girl walks down the lane, a bright red balloon in hand. A scarecrow lumbers out from the bushes behind her, and she turns and screams. The scarecrow lifts her over his shoulder and carries her off. A rattle of gunfire, and a hit on one of three rough dummy targets made of a bucket, spliced sticks and a stuffed sack. The boys are doing target practice, a machine gun set up behind a bunker of sandbags. THE DOCTOR: Concentrate. Joan appears from one of the school doors, watching. The gun is being fired by Hutchinson, the rounds being fed in a steady stream by Latimer. Baines is one of the boys watching the targets, with the Doctor standing a few paces behind. As Joan approaches, she is not entirely pleased with what she sees. THE DOCTOR: Hutchinson, excellent work! The Headmaster appears. HEADMASTER: Cease fire! Hutchinson obeys. THE DOCTOR: Good day to you, headmaster. HEADMASTER: Your crew's on fine form today, Mr Smith. HUTCHINSON: Excuse me, Headmaster, we could do a lot better. Latimer is being deliberately shoddy. LATIMER: I'm trying my best. HEADMASTER: You need to be better than the best. Those targets are tribesmen from the dark continent. LATIMER: That's exactly the problem, sir. They only have spears. HEADMASTER: Oh dear me. Latimer takes it upon himself to make us realise how wrong we all are. I hope, Latimer, that one day you may have a just and proper war in which to prove yourself. Now, resume firing. Hutchinson does so Latimer feeding the ammunition again. As the firing rings out, Latimer hears a different kind of warfare, the sound of a falling bomb. An vision takes over. Two young soldiers struggle through the dark, one supporting the other, who is injured. A watch is opened. LATIMER: One minute past the hour. It's now. Hutchinson, this is the time. It's now. He looks up as we hear another bomb heading straight for them. Back in real time, the gun stops firing. HUTCHINSON: There's a stoppage, immediate action. (He looks at Latimer to assist). Didn't I tell you, Sir, this stupid boy is useless! Permission to give Latimer a beating, Sir? HEADMASTER: It's your class, Mr Smith. THE DOCTOR: Permission granted. HUTCHINSON: Right, come with me, you little oiyk. Hutchinson grabs Latimer's wrist and pulls him up. He and most of the other boys escort Latimer away to be beaten. Baines remains standing next to the Doctor, and turns to him- and sniffs loudly. The Doctor turns and looks him up and down. THE DOCTOR: Anything the matter, Baines? BAINES: I thought... No sir. Nothing, sir. Turning sharply, he heads off to join the beating. Joan is still watching. HEADMASTER: As you were, Mr Smith. THE DOCTOR: Ah... Pemberton, Smythe, Wicks, take post. As three more boys take up positions at the gun, the Doctor spots Joan. THE DOCTOR: Ah, Nurse Redfern. JOAN: Um... I'll give you back your journal when next I see you. THE DOCTOR: No, no, no, you don't have to. Joan looks a little troubled. JOAN: If you'll excuse me, Mr Smith, I was just thinking about the day my husband was shot. As the gunfire rings out, she turns and walks quickly away, leaving the Doctor a little more understanding. In the village, a piano is being winched up outside a building in a rope sling. Two men are straining with the rope. Joan and the Doctor are walking through the village. JOAN: His name was Oliver. He died in the battle of Spy-On-Cope. We were childhood sweethearts... But you see, I was angry with the army for such a long time. THE DOCTOR: You still are. JOAN: I find myself as part of that school watching boys learn how to kill. THE DOCTOR: Don't you think discipline is good for them? JOAN: Does it have to be such military discipline? I mean, if there's another war those boys won't find it so amusing. THE DOCTOR: Well... Great Britain's at peace, long may it reign. JOAN: In your journey, in one of your stories, you wrote about next year. Nineteen fourteen. THE DOCTOR: That was just a dream. JOAN: All those images of mud and wire. You told of a shadow, a shadow falling across the entire world. THE DOCTOR: Well, then we can be thankful it's not true. And I'll admit mankind doesn't need warfare and bloodshed to prove itself; everyday life can provide honour and valour and... let's hope that from now on this, this country can... can find its heroes in smaller places... He is distracted as he sees two things. First, a woman and a perambulator coming round the corner by the shop building. Second, the rope sling holding the piano aloft is breaking outside the same shop. The two men holding it desperately try to steady it and hold it, but the woman doesn't notice and continues into its path. THE DOCTOR: In the most... A young boy is tossing a cricket ball up and down in his hand. The Doctor looks from the ball to the rope; the second strand is almost completely broken, and the piano lurches alarmingly. THE DOCTOR: Ordinary... The rope is almost cut. And the woman is almost beneath the piano. THE DOCTOR: Of deeds! He snatches the cricket ball from the young boy and pitches it at a bundle of spare scaffolding poles standing outside the ironmongers. The poles fall, hitting a plank of wood with a brick on the end. The brick flies into the air, up and over the piano- just as the rope snaps and it starts to hurtle to the ground. The brick hits a milk churn on a cart, sending it falling into the path of the perambulator and stopping it in it's tracks. The woman screams and the piano hits the floor and smashes. Joan is looking amazed at the Doctor, while the Doctor himself is looked amazed by his own skill. As the baby in the perambulator starts to cry, the two workmen rush to see if the woman is alright. The Doctor and Joan stand stunned for a moment. THE DOCTOR: Lucky... JOAN: That was luck? THE DOCTOR (plucking up courage): Nurse Redfern, might I invite you to the village dance this evening? As my guest? JOAN (laughs): You extraordinary man! The both laugh and view the near fatal scene again. Later on, they are passing fields, one of which has a scarecrow. JOAN: It's all becoming clear now, the Doctor is the man you'd like to be, doing impossible things with cricket balls. THE DOCTOR: Well, I discovered a talent, that's certainly true! JOAN (teasingly): But the Doctor has an eye for the ladies! THE DOCTOR: The devil! JOAN: A girl at every fireplace. THE DOCTOR (laughs): Now, there I have to protest, Joan, that's hardly me! JOAN: Says the man dancing with me tonight! The Doctor spies the scarecrow hanging oddly. THE DOCTOR: That scarecrow's all skewed. The cross the furrows to reach it, and the Doctor starts stretching it across its frame again. JOAN: Ever the artist. Where did you learn to draw? THE DOCTOR: Gallifrey. JOAN: Is that in Ireland? THE DOCTOR (a little unsure): Yes, it must be, yes. JOAN: But you're not Irish? DOCTOR: Not at all, no. My father Sidney was a watchmaker from Nottingham and my mother Verity was... (he pauses) ...um... well, she was a nurse, actually. JOAN: Oh, we make such good wives! THE DOCTOR (a little uncomfortable): Really? Right. Yes. Well, my work is done, what do you think? He stands back and Joan looks at the scarecrow. JOAN: Masterpiece. THE DOCTOR: All sorts of skills today! Laughing, they head back onto the road- and the scarecrow turns it head to follow them. In the Doctor's study later in the day, the Doctor is sketching a young woman, Joan. As he finishes and lowers the book, we see Joanposing for him. JOAN: Can I see? The Doctor moves to sit next to her on the sofa, showing her the book. She laughs in delight. JOAN: Oh, goodness... Do I look like that? (laughs). Are you sure that's not me? There is a sketch of a Slitheen on the opposite page, and she points to it. THE DOCTOR: Most definitely this page, I should think. He points back to his sketch of her. JOAN: You've made me far too beautiful. THE DOCTOR: Well that's how I see you. JOAN: Widows aren't supposed to be beautiful. I think the world would rather we stopped. (pause). Is that fair? That we stop? THE DOCTOR: That's not fair at all. He fondly brushes the side of her hair. Slowly, he leans in towards her; she returns the movement, and the two kiss. THE DOCTOR: I've never, um... He runs out of words, and chooses to kiss Joan again instead, a long and loving kiss. We hear the rattle of the door, and they break apart. THE DOCTOR: Martha, what have I told you about entering unannounced? Martha scurries back out of the door and closes it behind her, leaning against it in shock. MARTHA (whispered): That wasn't on the list. The TARDIS still hides in the barn, and Martha is going through the Doctor's recording again. THE DOCTOR: Four, you. Don't let me abandon you. MARTHA: That's no good. What about the stuff you didn't tell me, what about women? Oh no, you didn't think of that. What in hell am I supposed to do then? She has fast-forwarded to the end. THE DOCTOR: Thank you. MARTHA: You had to, didn't you? Had to go and fall in love with a human. And it wasn't me. Latimer is toying with the pocket watch as he sits on a bench in the school grounds. The voices are whispering again. VOICES: The darkness is coming... keep me away from the force and empty man... the last of the Time Lords, the last of a wise and ancient race... Latimer sees Baines heading through the ground to meet with Mr Clarke. Then, a red balloon bobs its way along on the other side of the wall as the little girl joins them. As Latimer watches, all three of them turn to look at him. As one, they tilt their heads to the side curiously, and sniff deeply. On the muddy lane, Jenny is riding her bicycle when a figure steps out in front of her, making her stop sharply. A moving scarecrow. JENNY: Who's that playing silly beggars? Nearly broke me neck! The scarecrow says nothing, its head tilted curiously to one side. JENNY: Who's that then? Is it you, Saul? The sound of footsteps, and Jenny's smile fades as two more scarecrows approach from behind. More and more close in, and Jenny realises it is no trick, and screams. Inside the alien craft, a scarecrow stands guard as Mr Clarke advances on a frightened Jenny. JENNY: I don't understand... It's Mr Clarke, isn't it? What have I done wrong? CLARKE: Nothing at all. In fact... you're just what we need, girl. Baines appears. BAINES: She works at the school. Whatever's happening seems to centred round that establishment, the faintest of traces but they all lead back there. JENNY (scared): It's Baines, isn't it? This isn't very funny, sir. BAINES (barking as orders): Just shut up, stop talking, cease and desist, there's a good girl! (pause). Mother of Mine is dying to meet you. And here she is. Baines produces a globe-like device. JENNY: Stop mocking me, sir! BAINES: No! Mother of Mine just needs a shape. We go through a shape so very fast. Yours is perfectly adequate... if a little grim. Mother of Mine, embrace her. Baines tilts the globe towards Jenny and a green smoke starts to billow out towards her, taking over her. In the school, Joan turns round in her dress to show the Doctor. THE DOCTOR: You look wonderful. JOAN: You'd best give me some warning, um, can you actually dance? THE DOCTOR (thinks): Um... I'm not certain... JOAN: There's a surprise. Is there anything you're certain about? THE DOCTOR: Yes. (he steps towards Joan). Yes. In the maid quarters, the door opens and Jenny enters. Martha is making a pot of tea on an elaborate tray and smiles as she sees Jenny. MARTHA: There you are! Come and look what I've got. Mr Poole didn't want his afternoon tea so cook said I could have it. And there's enough for two. Jenny is still standing in the doorway. MARTHA: What are you standing there for? Jenny sniffs loudly. MARTHA: Are you alright? JENNY: I must have a cold coming on. She joins Martha sitting at the small table. MARTHA: Problem is, I keep thinking about them but I don't know what to do. JENNY: Thinking about who? MARTHA: Mr Smith and Matron. Cause it's never gonna last, he's gonna leave in a few weeks. JENNY: Why? MARTHA: It's like his contract comes to an end. And she's gonna be heartbroken. JENNY: Leave for where? MARTHA: All sorts of places. I wish I could tell you Jenny, but it's complicated. JENNY: In what way? MARTHA: I just can't. JENNY: It sounds so interesting. Tell me. Tell me now. There is something in Jenny's voice that Martha doesn't think is right. Frowning, she changes the subject. MARTHA: Would you like some tea? JENNY: Yes thanks. MARTHA: I could put a nice bit of gravy in the pot. And some mutton. Or sardines and jam, how about that? JENNY: I like the sound of that. MARTHA: Right... hold on a tick. She knows something is wrong now, and moves to the door. Closing it on her way out, she walks to the stairs- then starts to run. Jenny's head turns, she know's Martha is getting away. She pulls an alien gun from under her coat. Meanwhile, Martha is out of the building, Jenny goes to the window, aims, and fires her gun at the retreating Martha. Narrowly missing, Jenny heads off. The Doctor and Joan are sharing a loving kiss which is quickly broken as the door bursts open and a breathless Martha runs in and up to the Doctor. MARTHA: They've found us. JOAN: This is ridiculous... THE DOCTOR: Martha, I've warned you. MARTHA: They've found us, and I've seen them. They look like people, like us, like normal. I'm sorry, but you've got to open the watch. She looks to the mantlepiece, and the watch is missing. MARTHA: Where is it? She shuffles through the things on the mantlepiece. MARTHA: Oh my god, where's it gone? Where's the watch? THE DOCTOR: What are you talking about? MARTHA: You had a watch, a fob watch. Right there! THE DOCTOR: Did I? I don't remember. JOAN: I can't see what concern it is of yours. MARTHA: But we need it... oh my god, Doctor we're hiding from aliens, and they've got Jenny and they've... possessed her or copied her or something and you've got to tell me, where's the watch? DOCTOR: Oh I see... (quieter, to Joan). Cultural differences. He picks up his journal. THE DOCTOR (to Martha): It must be so confusing for you. Martha, this is what we call a story. MARTHA: Oh you complete... This (she waves her finger to indicate the Doctor) is not you, this is nineteen thirteen. THE DOCTOR: Good. This is nineteen thirteen. MARTHA: I am sorry, I'm really sorry but I've got to snap you out of this. She reaches back her hand and slaps his hard across the face. JOAN: Martha! MARTHA: Wake up! You're coming back to the TARDIS with me! She grabs his hands and tries to pull him along. THE DOCTOR: How dare you! I'm not going anywhere with an insane servant! Martha, you are dismissed, you will leave these premises immediately. Now get out! He has used Martha's grip on him to drag her to the door and thrown her out. As he closes the door, Martha stops. Back inside, the Doctor is annoyed. THE DOCTOR: Nerve of it, absolute cheek! You think I'm a fantasist, what about her? JOAN: The funny thing is, you did have a fob watch. Right there. Don't you remember? Martha is running into the night again, and bumps into Latimer. MARTHA: Oh, sorry! As she carries on, Latimer stops and watches her. He has a flash memory of a strange time; it is back around the 2000's, and Martha in her usual clothes bumps into him as she runs past. MARTHA: Oh, sorry! LATIMER: Martha? Back to the present, Martha turns her head to call back. MARTHA: Not now, Tim, busy! Latimer watches her for a while longer, then turns and walks away. Martha closes the TARDIS door and runs to where the Doctor's long coat is lying over a forked beam. She rifles through his pockets, looking for something. Back inside the school, the door to the Doctor's room is kicked open as Jenny and Baines enter. BAINES: Mr Smith? (pause). No-one home. JENNY: The maid was definitely hiding something. A secret around this Mr Smith. BAINES: We both scented him though, he was plain and simple human. JENNY: Maybe he knows something. Where is he? Joan and the Doctor are arriving at the village hall for the dance. JOAN: She's infatuated. You're a dangerous man. THE DOCTOR: You've taken my arm in public. JOAN: I'm very scared. They laugh. We see Latimer hiding round a corner of the building. MAN: Spare a penny for the veterans of the Crimea, sir? THE DOCTOR: Yes, of course. (He digs in his pocket and pulls out a coin or two). There you are. As the Doctor and Joan go inside, Latimer comes out of his hiding place and creeps to the doors. As the man collecting money has his back turned counting the donations, Latimer hurries in. Inside, people are milling about, getting drinks from a beer keg, laughing and talking. Latimer walks in slowly, looking around. ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen! Please take your partners for a waltz. The Doctor and Joan take their places, and start to dance as the music starts. JOAN: You can dance. DOCTOR: I've surprised myself. (They dance into another pair). Sorry. Back in his room at the school, Jenny and Baines are still searching for something, dropping books off the bookshelves in his study. Mr Clarke enters, holding the poster for the dance. CLARKE: I think this might help. JENNY: That makes it easy, Son of Mine. Because Daughter of Mine's already there. BAINES: We've been invited to the dance. Joan and the Doctor are still dancing, and through the dancing people, we see the little girl sitting at a table. The collector man rattles his tin as he sees Martha approaching stormily. MAN: Ooh, staff entrance I think, miss! MARTHA: Yeah, well think again mate. She walks past him into the hall. Hiding in the foliage close to the hall, we see a number of the scarecrows waiting. Back at the dance, Joan is sitting down now, waiting for the Doctor to return with drinks. She spots him, and he motions that he is still waiting. Joan smiles, but her smile fades as a familiar figure stands at their table, Martha. JOAN: Please, don't. Not again. MARTHA: He's different from any other man you've ever met, right? JOAN: Yes. MARTHA: And sometimes he says these strange things, like people and places you've never heard of, yeah? But it's deeper than that. Sometimes when you look in his eyes you know; you just know that there's something else in there. Something hidden. Right behind the eyes, something hidden away. In the dark. JOAN: I don't know what you mean, I... MARTHA: Yes, you do. I don't mean to be rude, but the awful thing is it doesn't even matter what you think. But you're nice. And you're lucky. And I just wanted to say sorry for what I'm about to do. The Doctor has returned, and looks none to pleased to see Martha there. THE DOCTOR: Oh, now really, Martha. This is getting out of hand. I must insist that you leave. Martha holds out the sonic screwdriver. MARTHA: Do you know what this is? Name it. Go on, name it. JOAN: John, what is that silly thing? John? He slowly takes it off Martha and turns it over in his hands. MARTHA: You're not John Smith. You're called the Doctor. The man in your journal, he's real. He's you. The collector man rattles his tin again as more people arrive. MAN: Evening all! Spare a penny, sir? BAINES: I didn't spare you. Without even looking at him, Baines pulls out a gun like Jenny had earlier, and fires it at the man. As he disintegrates into nothing, Baines, Jenny and Clarkeall walk on into the hall. Latimer is still inside, walking to a window and pulling back the curtains. The face of a scarecrow pops up and makes him jump back. When he looks back again, it is gone. He lets the curtain fall back. In the dance hall, Clarke enters first, gun in hand. Knocking over a hat stand as he strides in, the people shriek and move away. CLARKE: There will be silence! All of you! Scarecrows file in after Baines and Jenny. CLARKE: I said silence! ANNOUNCER: Mr Clarke! What's going on? Clarke turns and fires at the announcer, dissolving him into nothing. Joan's hand stifles a shriek. Latimer, in a corner, stands up. MARTHA: Mr Smith, everything I told you, just forget it! Don't say anything. BAINES: We asked for silence! Now then. We have a few questions for Mr Smith. LITTLE GIRL: No, better than that. She joins Baines and Clarke. LITTLE GIRL: The teacher. He's the Doctor. I heard them talking. BAINES: You took human form. THE DOCTOR: Of course I'm human, I was born human! As were you, Baines. And Jenny, and you, Mr Clarke! What is going on, this is madness! BAINES: And a human brain, too! Simple, thick and dull. JENNY: He's no good like this. CLARKE: We need a Time Lord. BAINES: Easily done. Stepping forward, he raises his gun and aims it at the Doctor. The crowd gasps and the Doctor recoils backwards. BAINES: Change back. THE DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about. BAINES: Change back! THE DOCTOR (shouting): I literally do not know... Jenny grabs Martha, holding a gun to her head, Martha screams. MARTHA: Get off me! JENNY: She's your friend, isn't she? Doesn't this scare you enough to change back? THE DOCTOR: I don't know what you mean! JENNY: Wait a minute... The maid told me about Smith and the matron... that woman, there! CLARKE: Let's have you! Clarke grabs Joan and holds her hostage, as Jenny is with Martha. BAINES: Have you enjoyed it, Doctor? Being human? Has it taught you wonderful things, are you better, richer, wiser? Then let's see you answer this. Which one of them do you want us to kill? Maid or matron? Your friend, or your lover? Your choice. To be continued...

The Doctor is pursued by the Family of Blood. He transforms himself into a human and invents a new identity called John Smith, who becomes a schoolteacher in 1913 England who dreams of his life as the Doctor and puts them down in a journal. The Doctor's true self is hidden in a fob watch, which when opened will turn Smith back into the Doctor. Martha takes care of Smith while she is undercover as a maid. After two months, the Family arrive and take over the bodies of four humans. When the fob watch goes missing, Martha tries prompting Smith of his memories, which reveals his true identity to the Family. The Family hold Martha and Smith's date at the village dance, Nurse Joan Redfern.

fd_Queer_As_Folk_01x09

fd_Queer_As_Folk_01x09_0

(Mike and Emmett's place. Emmett's having cybersex. He's like, naked, at a table, with a laptop computer, typing with his left hand, and m*st*rb*t*ng with his right. He and "usemyhole27," the guy he's chatting with, both type really well with only one hand. There's a towel by the laptop, too.) usemyhole27: god, you're so f*cking big! pitts9X6: you'll take every last inch, pussy boy! usemyhole27: yes, sir! i'm loving it! don't stop! pitts9X6: ahhhhh! [he's coming.] usemyhole27: when can we hook up for real? Emmett: Hock up for real? (Emmett hastily escapes out of the chat room.) (Liberty Avenue. At Woody's, The Boys are playing pool.) Brian: Would you just shoot? Ted: Pool is a game of precision and science, my friend. It involves high hand coordination, geonometry, specific graffity. (Brian take the white ball from the pool.) Brian: It's a f*cking ball and a stick! Will you take the shoot, Mikey? Michael: I can't. I gotta go to meet David. Brian: Why doesn't he meet you here? Michael: Um, because he doesn't like my friends? Ted: [he's looking to Brian] I don't like your friends. Brian: How about his buddies? Does he have any? Ted: [he finally sinks a ball] Hey, I've got some. Brian: Yes, but you're playing stripes. Michael: Yeah sure he has friends. Brian: Have you ever met any? Michael: Um, no. Brian: Maybe he doesn't want you to. [Justin walks up with a drink in his hand.] Justin: Hey there. Michael: Well, at least his friends are his own age. Brian: What are you doin' here? I thought it was a school night. Justin: You're here. Brian: I'm a grown-up. Justin: Barely. Brian: Go home. [Justin shakes his head, and mouths the word "no." Then he sticks a condom in this teeth, and waves bye-bye to The Boys.] Michael: What is this, 'adopt-a-trick'? First he's an one-night-stand, now he's moved in. Brian: It's only temporarely. Michael: What, until he grows up? Brian: Until I figured out what to do with him. Mikey, tell the Doc we miss him. Michael: Bye! (Ted and Emmett walk to Ted's car. Emmett nods in the direction of a young man leaning on another car.) Emmett: That could be him. Ted: Who? Emmett: usemyhole27. Ted: Usemyhole27? Does that mean twenty-six guys have used his hole before you? Emmett: No, my cyber boyfriend. The best cyber-sex I never had. But now it's over now. Ted: How come? Emmett: Because he wants to meet me. Ted: So? Emmett: So? I'm looking not like my profile so. Big, smooth, 6'2'', 190 lbs, four percent body fat, uncut. Ted: Jesus, I think I did it with you last week. Emmett: Really? [Pause] How was I? Ted: Did you ever considering to tell him the truth? Emmett: What, that I'm a big nelly bottom who wishes he were a beefy, brutal top? Never will be. (The Happy Fun House. Melanie's bouncing Gus on her shoulder. Gus is not a happy baby, and not too well, either. Lindsay's on the phone.) Lindsay: Yes, hello. This is Lindsay Peterson. I need to talk to Dr.Persou about Gus. Mel: Oh god, he's throwing up again. He's burning up, honey. Lindsay: I just need a second to talk...they don't want give us her number and want to leave her a message. Mel: Give this to me. Hello, what's your name? Hi Carol, this is Melanie Marcus. Listen, we need to reach Dr.Persou, doesn't she usually leave her pager on? OK, then I'll be appreciated contacted while I'm waiting on line. Thank you! Lindsay: I love you. [They kiss each other.] Lindsay: Hello, Dr.Persou? Hi, it's Lindsay Peterson. Yeah it's Gus. He has fever 102 and he's been throwing up... yes, alright. Thank you. She says we have to go to the hospital now. Mel: Ok, Ok, all will be alright. I'll get the keys, you get his blanket. (Meanwhile, at Brian's penthouse, Justin's on the phone as Brian gets back from Woody's.) Justin: Brian's comes. You mean it? [He looks up and grins] My mom says hi. [Brian grins sardonically] Brian says hi, too. So, does dad ask about me? He's still mad? Can you talk to him, make him understand? No! No, I can't! I can't come home, not until he still feels that way. Mom! Mom! I'm gonna go. Give Molly a kiss from me. Yeah, you too. [Then he hangs up, tearing up a little.] Brian: It's not worth crying about. Justin: I wasn't cryin'. It's my allergies. Brian: You're father's an asshole who treats you like sh1t, and practically killed me. I say, forget about him. Justin: But he's my dad. I mean could you forgot about your father? Brian: I already did a long time ago. Justin: You mean you never see him or talk to him? Brian: What for? Justin: Just to hang out and be together. Brian: What, just because he got my mother pregnant, there's supposed to be some special bond between us? He served his purpose. It's all he was good for. Justin: I could never feel that way about my dad. Brian: Then you'll always be hurt. [the phone rings. Justin get it.] Justin: Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on. He's right here. [to Brian] Lindsay, she sound upset. (At David's, Mike's fiddling with a framed picture when David leaps on him, biting his neck.) David: I don't know why, I see you, and I just want to take a bite. Michael: Who called? David: Oh, my ex. Michael: Lori? David: Yeah, I've told her all about you. Michael: What did you say? David: I said you were smart, you were funny, and you were sexy. Michael: I thought you stopped lying to your wife. David: C'mon, let's go to bed. Michael: Who are these people? David: Let me see. Michael: The people in the picture. They look nice. They look straight. David: That's Laura, that's Steve. This is on New Years Eve. Steve is urologist, Laura's a pit. They really are friends of mine. Michael: How come I never met them? David: Well, I don't know. You wanna meet them? Michael: I don't know, if you want me to meet them. I was driving the other night with my bag and stuff for tomorrow. And I start the feeling I'm someone's little secret. It's always just the two of us. David: I have to admit I can enjoy that way just having you all by myself but if you wanna be with... other people... Michael: No, it's okay. I never should have brought this up. David: But I'm glad you did. Hey, what are you doin' on Saturday night? Michael: Saturday night? David: Yeah, I have a dinner party. I'll introduce you to the gang. Michael: The gang? No, that's okay. David: No! It's a great idea. I want them to know you. And you should know them. (Mike shakes his head, and the two laugh and chase each other up the stairs. ) (Back at Mike and Emmett's, Emmett is about to delete his screen name.) Man: Hey! What the f*ck are you doing? (Emmett whirls around to find a really cute guy snarling at him from the doorway.) Emmett: How the hell... How do you get in here? Man: Hey, I ask the question first. What the f*ck did you thinking to deleting me? Didn't you recognize me? I'm Pitts9X6. Emmett: How did you know my secret screen name? Man: Well, I'm your screen name. Emmett: What are you talking about? Did Ted put you up to this? Man: Pool foul. Big, smooth, six foot two, a hundred and ninety-five pounds, four percent body fat, uncut. Emmett: OK, OK, I get it. Michael and Ted read my profile and they paid you to come here and mess with my head. Well, my kind of reality is really tighter then everybody seems to think. OK, Pitts doesn't exist. He's a fantasy over my overacting imagination. (Pitts unzips his pants to show that he is, indeed, uncut and nine inch long.) Emmett: Oh, oh my god. It's true. Pitts: 9 by six, thanks to you. Emmett: OK, I'm must dreaming. Pitts: Have you some hot tapes? "Dawson's Crack". Mind if I popp it in? Emmett: Oh my god, I've complete cracked. I'm talking to my screen name. What is goin' on? What are you doin' here? Pitts: Well, you're about to deleting me. Emmett: Oh well, I'm really sorry. But I'm threw with you. Pitts: But I'm a hottie and everyone wants me! Emmett: Exactly, they want you - the fantasy. Not me the real person. It's pathetic, my screen name has more fun than I do. Pitts: Hey, you've said you wish you could be a beafy, brutal top instead of a big nelly bottom. Well, if I could teach you how you to be like me you let me live? Emmett: But I'm not like you. Pitts: Well, I came from somewhere, didn't I? (The Emergency Room.) Doctor: Symptoms? Mel: Gonorhoe, vometing, fever. Doctor: Do you know how high? Lindsay: Just 104 last night. Mel: We worried about dehydration. Doctor: OK, let's check this out. Which one of you is the mother? Lindsay: I'm the birth mother. Doctor: Then let's go. Lindsay: Actually we're raising him together. We're a couple. Doctor: Well it that case, do you have the adoption paper? Lindsay: Adoption?! Mel: He means for me. No, not yet, we're planed to that... Doctor: I'm sorry but we can only allowed the child's legal guardiances to go with him. Mel: Fine, stop talking just take him. Lindsay: I'm right out in the minute I know more. (They kiss each other. A nurse watching them skeptically. After Linds is gone Mel see Gus' blanket.) Mel: Excuse me, I need to go back there. You see my partner forgot the babies blanket and I don't want him anymore upset... Nurse: Look, Miss -- or whatever you are -- I believe that it was already explained to you that only the child's parents or legal guardian are permitted to be with him. Mel: And I believe it needs to be explained to you who loves him and feeds him, and walks him and changes him and cleans up sh1t, and pays the bills ... You listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he'll grow up to be happy and healthy and loved, so don't you dare tell me I have no right to be with him, you vicious homophobic c**t! (Brian wanders in at the end of that. Melanie, crying -- and is relieved to see him.) Brian: What's goin' on? How is he? Mel: I don't know. They won't let me in there. Brian: Why? Mel: I'm not legal. I'm not anything parently and I'm goin' crazy. Brian: What, is that your f*cking bureaucracy? (The doctor walks out.) Mel: Excuse me, this is the father. Doctor: I'll take him back. Brian: Well, she's goin' too. Mel: Don't worrying. Just go and give this Linds. (The next day, The Boys are gathered at the Gym.) Brian: Not even six months old, and my kid's already a drama queen. Ted: Well, at least you know he's yours. Michael: The good news is he's alright. Brian: Yeah because I have to go to the hospital by myself because someone left their cell phone off. Michael: I had to deal with my own crisis. David throwing a diner party, us and two other couples, one of them are straight. Brian: He eats with straight people? Ted: Yech! You never know where their hands have been! Emmett: So, what's the problem? Michael: The problem is what I have to talk about? Ted: What we're talk about. Emmett: What we've done. Who we've done. Who we want to do. Michael: These people aren't like us. Their professors and doctors, and things. Ted: We're things. Ad execs, accountants -- Emmett: Couturiers to Disco trash?! Michael: The thing is after two minutes it will be paintly obious that I don't fit in and David will dump me on the spot. Ted: Then we'd better get busy. Right, Professor Higgins? Emmett: Right, Pickering. We'll turn you from a simple flower girl into a lady. (Pitts comes up. Unseen for the other.) Pitts9X6: Speaking of which, let's get to work. Emmett: What are you doing here? Pitts9x6: Turning you from a candy-ass into a stud. So, let's see you spread 'em. Now! (Emmett jumps, and starts up again on his machine. The Boys notice that Emmett's working extra hard.) Michael: What's with G.I. Jane? Ted: If he's not careful, he might actually break a sweat. Or a nail. (The Happy Fun House. Lindsay walks into the living room. Melanie's sulking on the couch.) Lindsay: He's down for a while anyway. Mel: That's good. Lindsay: Hon, what are you thinking about? Mel: Hebrew School. Lindsay: He's still a little young, don't you think? Mel: No, when I was a kid in the Hebrew School Rabbi used to say, 'If you ever forget you're a Jew, a non-Jew will remind you.' I was wondered what he meant. Until Amely Merely called me a JAP on the playground. Lindsay: Oh, that nell bitch! Mel: Then I knew what he meant. I'd forgotten I was different until I was so awful remind it. Same thing happened at the hospital last night. Lindsay: Well, their had not right. Mel: Yeah, they did. They had every right. But we have a right, too. To protect ourselves. We have to talk to Brian. (At Brian's penthouse, The Boys, plus Justin, are giving Mike dining etiquette lessons.) Emmett: Just be sure to compliment the hostess. Michael: I'm the hostess. Brian: And you look lovely. Emmett: OK, which fork is for salat? Justin: (playing Gameboy) Go from the outside in. Brian: Yeah, I though you studied for your calcular exam. Justin: I'm taking a break. Brian: Well, get back to work. Emmett: Now, bread plate. (He's taking the wrong.) Justin: On your left. Emmett: Water glass? Justin: On your right. (Mike and Emmett glare at him. Justin smiles angelically.) Michael: So, as long as I only have salat, bread and water I'm all set. Ted: Now talking about conversation. Stay clear from religion because you never know where anyone stands; avoid politics like the plague; and you should probably steer clear of the economy as well. Brian: So far he has no trouble. Mikey never talked about religion, politics and the market in his life. Michael: Well, what do I talk about, then? Justin: Movies are always a save path. If you want to appear current without appearing controversial. Michael: I saw X-Men six times. (Justin busts up laughing. Ted sighs.) Ted: Well, I didn't think that this impress the guests. Brian: Look, you making too big deal out of this. You show up, your talk, you eat. Michael: But these are David's best friends. I wanna make a good impression. Emmett: And you're will. Just just have to remember a few simply rules. Utensils work from the outside in. Ted: Remember not to talk about anything that matters. Brian: Don't talk with your mouth full. Michael: What if I burp? Justin: Just cover your mouth with your napkin and say 'excuse me' to no one in particular. Ted: Just be yourself. You won't have anything to worried about. Michael: I just know somehow somewhere I'm goin to f*ck up. Brian: That's what he means -- be yourself. (At the Happy Fun House, Brian's Lesbians nervously dither over the tea as Brian and Justin wait in the living room.) Lindsay: Let me talk to him. You know you sad him off. Mel: I won't say a thing. I won't say anything. (In the living room, Brian's being adorable with the baby again.) Brian: He seems fine to me. Aren't you, sonny boy? Lindsay: Thank God after last night. Mel: Well, that's the way it goes -- yesterday, life and death; today tea and cookies. Justin: They're good. Lindsay: It's a mix. It makes your realize how important it is to be prepared. Brian: For what? Lindsay: For what happened with that nurse. Brian: God, she was a real bitch. Mel: Thank you. Lindsay: Justin, would you like some ice cream? Justin: No, I'm okay. Brian: What do you gettin' at? Lindsay: Well, it's something we're talked about Gus' was born and we're never got to do. Melanie would like to petition for second-parent adoption. Justin: What's that? Mel: Well, I'm not Gus' biological parent like Lindsay and Brian. So, I need to have papers that make me his legal guardian. Lindsay: Only Melanie can't get the process goin' until you sign papers agreened to give up your parental rights. Justin: No way! He's Gus's dad! Lindsay: No one's deniing that. You know your always be part of his life. And the same way we're always part of each others. (Melanie and Lindsay wait expectantly for his answer. Brian, looking only at his son.) Brian: You don't have to convince me. Just tell me where to sign. Justin: What?! You mean, you're actually wanna do it? Mel: Justin! Brian: He will be better off. What I have to do? Mel: Sign some papers. I'll have them drawn up. Justin: You can't. Brian: Would you stay out of this? Justin: You're his father! Brian: And I'm teaching him a lesson -- don't count on your old man. (Babylon! It's Mixed Group Hula Hoop Night! Every other person is dancing with a hula hoop, and half of them are women, so maybe tonight's the night they invite the lesbians. Emmett and Ted boogie over near the stage.) Ted: What are you doin' with your arm? Emmett: I call it the 'Praise Jesus.' Ted: It's like you hailing a cab. [Pitts shows up.] Pitts9x6: I called it the worst dancing I've ever seen. Emmett: Who ask you? Ted: Don't get sore. I'm just kidding. Pitts9x6: See anyone who's hot? Emmett: I haven't seen so many dogs since 101 Dalmatians. Ted: Hey, what about that guy over there? Pitts9x6: I'd like to housebreak him. Emmett: I suppose he's alright. Ted: Translation - we don't have the guts to go after him. Pitts9x6: Speak for yourself, loser. (Pitts drags Emmett over to Stair Guy, pushes Emmett into the other man. Emmett's beer got spilled all over Stair Guy.) Stair Guy: You made me spill my beer. Emmett: Sorry. Pitts9x6: Tell him you would like him over his chest. Emmett: What?! Stair Guy: I said I spilled my beer, man! Pitts9x6: Say it! Emmett: I lick it off your chest. Stair Guy: I rather had a napkin. Emmett: Right, right. Oh, here. Pitts9x6: Well what are you waitin' for. Ask him to go. Hey dude! Emmett: Hey dude. I never say dude. Pitts9x6: I can tell you one of that. Emmett: Hey dude, I can tell you one of that. Pitts9x6: What if you go out of here and go nast. Emmett: What if you go out of here and... He's making me say all this. Stair Guy: f*cking weirdo! Pitts9x6: Well, that was the most stunning display of ineptitude I've ever witnessed. Ted: Hey, how'd go? Emmett: f*ck off! [SCENE_BREAK] (At David's house, David and his friends are in the middle of the living room, drinking wine and laughing. The doorbell rings, and, Laura -- a redheaded earth sister type -- sidesteps David to answer it.) Laura: At last. The boyfriend. Michael: I'm sorry, I'm late. Laura: Nonsense, you're fashionable. I'm Laura. Listen, I've known David forever, so if there's anything you need to know about him -- David: Warning, don't listen to Dr. Laura! Laura: I hate when he calls me that. David: You've got a PID. Laura: Yeah, in economics. Michael: Excuse me, sir, do I know you? Laura: Oh, he's funny! He's adorable! David: See? She thinks you're adorable. Michael: I have nervousness as hell. David: Why? Everybody's gonna love you. Michael: What makes you think that? David: Because I do. Go, go, go. (At Brian's penthouse, Brian shaves while Justin takes a shower. Brian's helping Justin with his vocabulary homework.) Brian: Insouciant. Justin: Unconcerned, nonchalant. That's what you are. Insouciant. Brian: Sycophant. Justin: Uncaring. Brian: That's wrong. It means ass kisser. Justin: It doesn't say ass-kisser. Brian: 'One that seeks favor by flattery.' Ass-kisser. Justin: Who cares what it says? How can you give away Gus? He'll think you didn't want him. Brian: He'll be right. Justin: I don't believe you. I was there in the night when Gus' were born. I saw him give him a kiss. Brian: Not everyone is cut out to be a father! Justin: So what are you gonna tell him some day when he's old enough why you didn't want him? Brian: I'll tell him the truth. These two dykes high noon and wanted a kid really bad. So I jerked off into a cup. Justin: That's not all. A boy needs a father. Believe me, I know. Brian: Yeah, you haven't had a father for almost two weeks. Justin: Even he gets angry, even he isn't always there it's better than not having one at all. Brian: Yeah, don't be so sure. Justin: You're father must have loved you. It did even you didn't show it. Brian: (smiles) Yeah, he knew how to show it, all right, especially after he'd had a few. Justin: Yeah, well, at least he didn't give you away. (Brian throws down his towel and stalks out of the bathroom.) Brian: Garrulous. Justin: Loquacious. Chatty. Where are you goin'? Brian: Out. Justin: I thoughed you've gonna help me! Brian: If you want help, call your father. (Meanwhile, at David's, Dr. Dave's serving the first course.) Man#1: When David makes a meal, you don't eat for a week. Laura: Before or afterwards! Michael: I didn't know you could cook. Javier: You two have a lot to learn. David: Give him time and he'll discover all my secrets. Steve: Like underwear. David: Right. Michael: You have an underwear fetich? Laura: In our last trip together he brough an entire suitcase of jocky shorts and socks. Michael: Did you all go together? Eddie: We rent it a house. Javier: It was fabulous! Steve: Laura still talking about the food tryin' gettin' 6 pounds prosciuotto through Customs. Laura: He exaggerate. It was four. Steve: It was six. Laura. Four. Eddie: Six. Laura: Were you ever been in Italy? Michael: Uh no, but my Uncle Vic spent a lot time there. Eddie: Was he in business? Michael: No, AIDS. He went there to die. (Everyone freezes.) Laura: I'm sorry. Michael: Well, it's not your fault. He's really sick. So he decide to take his dream trip to Rome, but then the protease inhibitors kicked in and he's home and he's fine. Except for some occasional diarrhea. David: I really like to take Michael away for a while. Well he works so hard and... Eddie: So what is it that you do, Michael? Michael: Um I'm in retail. Steve: Really, where? Michael: Big Q. David: He's got a promotion. He's the manager. Laura: The Big Q. Eddie, isn't that what they call you? (The table laughs, and Mike's relieved. David drinks more wine.) Steve: I've seen those stores, but I'm actually been in one. Eddie: They sell everything you can imagine. Javier: But nothing you'd want to buy. Michael: (to Javier) Haven't I seen you there? Javier: Excuse me? Michael: I know I know you from somewhere. Do you shop at the Big Q? Javier: Hardly. Laura: Well, the next time we're go someplace you must come with us. Eddie: How about Mykonos in July? Michael: I only get a week off. Laura: Oh you pure thing. That is were I love academica. We're professors get the whole summer. David: I should check the sea food paella. Is this okay with shellfish? Michael: (to Javier) That's where I know you from -- from the White Party! You gave me crabs! (Eddie sets his glass down hard. David coughs.) David: Anyone likes more whine? (At the Happy Fun House, Melanie walks into the bedroom, wearing only a towel. Lindsay's already in bed, naked. Melanie opens the towel and we get some fully nude lesbian.) Mel: Ready or not? Lindsay: You're in a good mood. Mel: The best. I'm finally going to be an official, fully signed, sealed, and delivered Mom. Lindsay: Actually I'm the one who delivered. Mel: Jesus, I can't believe it. Brian! Lindsay: I always knew it comes through. Mel: I was sure he tells to get f*ck ourselves. Lindsay: I'm sure it wasn't easy giving up his rights. Mel: He didn't even seem to care. Lindsay: I'm sure he cared. He loves his son more than you ever though. Mel: All that matters is that Gus is finally ours, both of ours. (And that's enough talk -- bring the s*x! Which they have! With music, even!) (Brian walks down an unfamiliar street and into the IGE Union Hall, approaching a table where four older men are playing poker.) Jack: You're bet, Tommy. Tommy: I want this hand. Next round on me. Jack: The next round is on Tommy. That's three rounds a night! Brian: How are you doing, Pop? Jack: I had better days and for sure better hands. Say hello to the guys. Brian: Hello guys. Jack: I'm out. I was bluffing anyway. Tommy: As long as you weren't bluffing on anybody. (Brian's dad folds soon after the bar, and buys a scotch.) Jack: What do you want, Sonny Boy? Brian: Beer's good. Jack: How about the scotch in the city? So how's that fancy job of yours? Brian: The fancy job is just fine. I can't complain. Jack: Leave the complaining to the warden. If it was up to her, I'd never have any fun. Listen, um... I'm uh...a little short. (Brian slides him an envelope filled with cash.) Jack: You're a good boy. I'm keeping strickt concer, that you got the goddamn penny. Brian: I know. Jack: Don't work too hard, now. Brian: Thanks for the advice. Jack: You've got to leave some time for the ladies. Brian: Oh, I always leave time for the ladies. Jack: But don't let them tie you down. Brian: Don't worry about me, Pop. Jack: That's what they are wanna do, no matter what they say. Brian: I think I can handle this. Jack: You know, you and me, we have a lot alike. Brian: We are? Jack: We won't settle down. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself, Jack Kinney, you dump son of a bitch, why did you ever become a family man? Brian: Why did you? Why did you marry mom? Why do you have me? Jack: Jesus, you're a smart kid, you never figured it out? (Brian want to go out.) Jack: C'mon, Sonny Boy! Sonny Boy! Just stay. C'mon, have another drink with your old man. C'mon, have another drink. (At Mike and Emmett's.) Emmett: Everyone though I'm crazy. I wasn't so humiliated in my life! Pitts9x6: What are you doin? Emmett: I'm deleting you, like I should have done to begin with. Pitts9x6: Hold. Don't I get one last chance? Think about all the hot s*x you scored to pretending you were me. Come into my world. Emmett: You don't have a world; you have a web. Pitts9x6: Sign on. Emmett: Alright, this is your last chance. (Emmett pushes a button, and the two are transported into a virtual chat room -- a white-walled room with phrases and words dancing around the walls in blue lights. Men walk and stand around, their screen names projected onto their chests in white light.) Pitts9x6: So which one you want to talk to? Emmett: Surfer Dude. So, how's goin'? Pitts9x6: What are you doin'? You can't. You don't exist here. Remember? You've got to talk through me. Emmett: Alright. Wow. Give a screen name a little power and he becomes a control freak. Ask him what he's got on? Pitts9x6: What are you wearing? Surfer Dude: Just a jockstrap. Emmett: Wow, some of them and whole Pittsburgh would be naked. Ask him what he's into. Pitts9x6: What are you into? Surfer Dude: Jacking off, sucking, just for starters. Emmett: Tell him... Pitts9x6: I know what to say. It's what your always said. I through you down the bed and rip that jockstrap off with me teeth. Surfer Dude: You're making me so hard. Pitts9x6: And then I flip you over and slap that tight bubble botton until you beg me to f*ck you. Surfer Dude: Yeah man, you've got me so gorny. Emmett: So gorny? What was that mean? Surfer Dude: Sorry typo. I'm so horny. usemyhole27: Hey pitts, it's me. Where have you've been? Emmett: Oh my God, it's usemyhole 27. Pitts9x6: Yeah, I'll tell him to f*ck off. We're busy. usemyhole27: I still want to be your bottom boy. Pitts9x6: Give me your address. All come over. Emmett: What?! usemyhole27: Cool. (Back in the real world.) Emmett: Do you know what you just did?! Pitts9x6: Yeah, I got you a date. (Back at David's, the host says goodbye to his guests.) David: Bye Steve. Steve: Great dinner, as always. Laura: I call you, sweety. David: (points to Michael) Adorable? (she nodds) Eddie: Good night David, thank you. David: Good night. (All guests are gone.) David: Hey, don't clean up. Michael: Well, it's the least I could do, considering the mess I made. How was I supposed to know that Javier never told Eddie he want to the White Party? David: (laughs) Well, he knows now. Michael: As I say I'm just a jerk. David: You're not a jerk. Michael: I am a jerk and I've never been anywhere, I've never done anything. David: So what? Michael: I never even made it through a semester of community college. David: So what? Michael: I don't know what you want from me. David: Michael, that doesn't matter. Michael: It matters to me. David: C'mon. (he kisses Michael) Michael: I can't. I got to go. David: What? Michael: I've forget my clothes for work. David: Michael! Michael... (Pitts and Emmett walk to usemyhole27's door.) Emmett: He would open that door, take one look at me and laugh right in my face. Pitts9x6: He liked you online. Emmett: Yeah, that's because he though I was you. I'm the Cyrano of cyberspace. Pitts9x6: Who? Emmett: Never mind. (The door opens, revealing a guy who is nothing like his screen persona -- he's tall, built like a linebacker, and sort of dorky-looking. But cute. He and Emmett size each other up.) Emmett: usemyhole27? Guy: Pitts9x6? I guess I'm not what you expected. Emmett: Well, I'm gonna say the same thing. I mean I'm not a big, beefy top. Guy: Do I look like a hungry, submissive bottom? Emmett: Well you sure have me fooled. I mean the way you beg to be dominated. Guy: No way, you made me beg. You were the most ruthless pigmaster I ever talked to. (Emmett looks at Pitts -- who gives him an encouraging nod.) Emmett: Then what the f*ck are you standing there for, huh? Drop to your knees, pussy boy. Guy: Yes, sir. (At Mike's place, there's a knock at the door. Mike thinks Emmett's lost his key again, but it's Brian, drunk off his ass.) Michael: Emmett, you can't keep loosin' your key! Brian: Hey, Sonny Boy. Michael: Oh sh1t, you went to see your dad! Brian: Stay here and have a drink with your old man! Michael: Alright, c'mon. C'mon. (Mike steers Brian into his bedroom, while Brian babbles drunkenbabblingblah. Mike undresses Brian and gets him into bed.) Brian: We're last our aim. Michael: Uh, huh, left up your arms. Brian: Yeah, we're 14 points at least 10 minutes. Michael: What a boy. Brian: The boys laid a damnmight strike. Tony Cartego... Michael: Get in bed. Brian: You should have heard him: 'How's my successful son? I'm a little short of cash. I never should have been a family man.' Michael: That's ancient history. Now, go to sleep. Brian: He never changes. Not his bullshit. Not his life. Michael: When are you going to learn? That's all he is. That's all he can be. (Brian starts to cry. And then grasps Michael's hand in comfort.) (Back at Babylon, Emmett's back -- shirt open, red sunglasses on, big shit-eating grin on his face. He finds Ted and sit besides him.) Ted: What happened to you? Emmett: Honey, you name it. How about you? Ted: I'm starring at the same guy for the last three hours. (Pitts drops his head in Emmett's lap.) Pitts9x6: Hey. How did it go? Emmett: There you are. This bottom is on top of the world. What about you dude? Ted: What I have to do with it? (Ted's looking at him funny.) Emmett: Baby, I'm never going to delete you. Ted: Deleting? OK, hand over the drugs! Emmett: Shot your hole! Ted: Excuse me? Emmett: You heard me, pussy boy. I want you to go downstairs and tell that guy that you've been staring at all night that you want him to get down on his knees and service your cock. Ted: WHAT?! Emmett: Move it! Move it! Ted: Yes, sir. (Pitts and Emmett slap each other five.) (The next day at the Happy Fun House, Melanie hands Brian and Lindsay papers to sign.) Mel: I had my assistent apply to sign. Brian: I need a pen. Mel: Oh, got one. (Gus gurgles in the background.) Brian: There is no ink in there. Lindsay: I have one. Here you go. (Brian stops) Brian? (Gus cries. Brian looks at him.) Mel: Honey, I though you changed him. Lindsay: I did. Maybe the new formula didn't agree with him. (Brian still looks at Gus.) Mel: Well, I guess we should go on with this. Brian: I changed my mind. (He's taking Gus out of the baby bed.) Lindsay: Brian please, don't do this. Brian: I'm not signing this. Mel: We had an agreement. Brian: That was before. Gus didn't exists then. Mel: Oh god, I knew it! Lindsay: Brian you know how important this is to us after what happened in the hospital. Brian: I'm sorry for that. That's wrong. But so is giving up my kid. Isn't that right, Sonny Boy? (At the gym, Mike's working out like a madman. David walks up.) David: You need a break? Michael: I'm still working up the paella. David: I could use a few raps myself. C'mon. (They go out of the balcony.) Michael: Look, I know I disappointed you. David: No, I let you down. Michael: I'm an idiot. David: I'm a jerk. I was insensitive, and I should have been more sensitive. Michael: I don't fit in with your friends, and I don't know if I ever will. David: When two people come from two different places... Michael: I know, we come from two different worlds... David: ...there's only one thing they should do. Michael: I know, I totally agree. So, this is it. It's over. David: "Over"? What's over? Mike, I want you to move in with me. (Cue Mike's bug-eyed shock, and then the credits.) Music: # Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor Doctor) from Robert Palmer

Michael decides to break up with Dr. David, who surprises Michael by asking him to move in with him; Lindsay and Melanie ask Brian to relinquish his parental rights to Gus; Emmett becomes addicted to cyber-sex.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_06x16

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_06x16_0

Ted from 2030: My first kiss with Zoey was amazing, and complicated. Ted: Look, um... I know you're going through a lot right now. Getting divorced, being single, figuring out who you are on your own. Zoey: Someone knows how to set a mood. Ted: I just mean... I'm okay taking this slow. I want to do this right. Ted from 2030: My friends, as usual, were completely supportive. The Bar Barney: You're doing this all wrong! Ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class who have moved faster than you two. Granted, their home lives are not great. Ted: Hey, I'm trying. I keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. Like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies. Robin: Oh. Translation: booty-call. Barney: Total booty-call. Lily: Private Booty, reporting for duty. Ted: That's crazy. She-She wants to bake. Robin: Guys booty-call girls after 2:00 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doing?" But when a lady booty-calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck real good. Lily: It's called class, Ted. Ted: Wait. That... You think that's what she means by "baking cookies"? Lily: Are you kidding? You're in the kitchen, it's getting hot, you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. Before you know it, she's bent over the marble island, and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. And she's screaming, "Stop, Marshall, stop," but that's just code for "harder!" Ted: Marshall's been in Minnesota a while, huh? Lily: So long! And now he's staying even longer. His mom has been having a really hard time since the funeral. He's waiting on her hand and foot. But... it's Valentine's Day. It's not going to be the same without the two of us watching Predator together. Ted from 2030: I should explain. On their very first Valentine's Day, Marshall and Lily set out to watch Sleepless in Seattle. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: You know, I saw this in the theater, like, five times, but I never got to see it with the right girl. Lily: I'm so glad none of those girls were right for you. Marshall: What girls? ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: If it bleeds, we can kill it. Ted from 2030: Except Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. And it became a tradition. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Wow, you sound really lonely. Lily: I am. Earlier today, I burst into tears... Barney: Shh. Daddy's talking now. Loneliness. The looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching. The two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, February 13: Desperation Day. Robin: That's not a thing. Barney: It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years. Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so Saint Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death. Ted: That's actually true. Barney: Wait, there's more. Ted: This won't be. [FLASHBACK] Barney: And right by Saint Valentine's side was his best bro, Saint Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids. Saint Desperatius: Whoa. Check out that one. Her body is a perfect X. Saint Valentine: Player, play on. High V. Woman: Oh, Jupiter, what are your plans for me? 15 and still unmarried. Saint Desperatius: And I thought Pompeii was smokin'. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax... what up... on February 13. A magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. Now, there's only one thing you can't do. Robin: Please say "widows." Barney: Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day. Robin: Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day. Which we do not. Case in point, I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work... Barney: Trolls. Robin: ...who could care less about Valentine's Day. Barney: Lying trolls. Robin: And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted. Ted: And none was taken until just then. [OPENING CREDITS] Lily: I decided to go to Minnesota to see Marshall. He shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself. Barney: You losing your mind, being alone in your apartment? Lily: I'm getting weird! [FLASHBACK] Lily: See, it started off with me throwing Marshall's jersey on my body pillow. And, well, things kind of spiraled from there. I'm sorry I yelled like that before. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I call him "Marshpillow." And he calls me... nothing because he's a pillow. (Ted enters) Robin: Hey. How was "baking cookies" last night? Ted from 2030: That was a tough question. You see... [FLASHBACK] Zoey: Uh... Is that an overnight bag? [END OF FLASHBACK] (Lily and Robin groan) Lily: You brought an overnight bag? Ted: You guys said I was definitely going to spend the night. Barney: We said you were going to have s*x. We didn't say, "Bring a carry-on." Robin: So how did Zoey react? Ted: She thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. It's-It's not like I brought a ton of stuff. Robin: Were there slippers for the morning? Ted: Not slippers, exactly. (Lily, Robin and Barney groaning) Ted: They're called British morning socks. At the Eriksens' house Judy: This is such a nice surprise. Marshall will be so happy. Lily: How are you holding up, Judy? Judy: Oh, I'm doin' okay. It gets a little lonely. My friends suggested a body pillow, but...(chuckles) I'm not a lunatic. Marshall: Hey, Mom? I hate to be that guy, but I'm pretty sure it was Hot Pocket o'clock, like, ten minutes ago. Lily. What are you doing here? Lily: I wanted to surprise you. Marshall: Oh, my gosh. That's so sweet. I'm so glad you're here. Hey, um, before I forget, Mom, did you remember to get more double-A batteries? Judy: Oh, they're upstairs, sweetie. Right next to your washed and folded clothes. Marshall: Oh, great, okay. I don't want my Game Boy to crap out. I'm having the sickest Dr. Mario run of my life. Okay. I'll be right back. I love you, Lily. Okay. You're the best, Mom. Judy: Aw... Anything for my baby bear. Get him out of my house. Take Marshall back to New York with you. Please, I am begging you. Lily: I thought he was here helping you. Judy: Well, he was, at first. But once he saw me starting to do better, he kind of regressed. He's been holed up in his room for days at a time, playing old video games. I mean, he is having a pretty sick Dr. Mario run, but... Lily: Uh, I'll talk to him. Judy: I want to be there for him, but it's like he's a teenager again. I even walked in on him abusing himself. Lily: Oh, God. Judy: There he was, on the bed, looking at old photos of his dad. That's emotional self-abuse, don't you think? Ted's appartment (knocking) Ted: Listen, that was a dumb move for me to just assume... Zoey: No, no, I overreacted. I mean, I invited you over to "bake cookies." We both knew what that meant. Ted: We totally did. Zoey: I just, you know... I saw those slippers in your bag, and suddenly everything felt really serious. And... ever since, I've been asking myself, "Am I ready for this?" And... the answer is "yes." Ted: They're actually called British morning socks. Zoey: Yeah. Don't get in your own way. Ted: Right. Okay. At the Eriksens' house Lily: Um, Marshall, your mom asked me to carry this up. She turned her ankle on your Hot Wheels. Is my track okay? It's fine, but, Marshall, I thought you were here taking care of your mom. It seems like she's taking care of you. Marshall: My mom loves to feel needed. Letting her take care of me is how I'm taking care of her. She's in a dark place, Lily. She needs this. Mom? You forgot my chocolate milk with the swirly straw! Judy: Oops. Comin' right up! Marshall, whispers: She needs this. Lily: Marshall, tomorrow's Valentine's. Don't you want to be at home on our couch, cuddling up under a warm blanket, watching the Predator use his heat vision to stalk helpless prey? Marshall: Well, baby, we could watch Predator here. No, my mom can go rent it for us after she's done digging out the car. Lily: Marshall, your mom wants you out of here. Marshall: What? Judy: Anything else, sweetie? Marshall: Mom, d-do you want me to leave? Judy: Heavens to Bess, no! Of course not! Lily: But, Judy, you said... Judy: Oh, if Marshall could stay here forever, I would be the happiest mom in Minnesota. Zoey: So Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Ted: Yeah. You know, there's this new Italian restaurant on 79th that's supposed to be amazing. Zoey: I would be happier having just a simple, home-cooked meal. As long as it's with you. Ted: Tomorrow night, my place. Zoey: I'm ready for this, Ted. I am in it for the long haul. I can't wait for our first Valentine's Day as a couple. The one we'll remember for years. [SCENE_BREAK] The bar Ted: Isn't that great? Robin: Yeah, if you say so, yeah. Ted: What do you mean? Robin: Look, she just got out of a marriage, Ted. That's heavy. I'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you. My heart is pounding, I'm hearing this weird clicking noise. Ted: Well, it's romantic, right? Zoey and I are getting serious on Valentine's Day. Robin: See, that just amps up the pressure even more. Boy, it's a good thing that you're sure. Ted: Who said I wasn't sure? I'm glad we're in a serious relationship. Right away. And if I screw this up, I'm the devil, because she's going through a divorce. But I'm not going to screw this up. So stop freaking out, Robin. Stop freaking out! Ted from 2030: Kids, I'm not super proud of what I did next. At the Eriksens' House Ted: Hi! I'm here to help Marshall. Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, as Desperation Day turned into Desperation Night... The Bar Barney: God, these girls are so hungry for male attention. It is like being a hunter and having the deer walk up, tie itself to the hood of your car and beg to get mounted. Robin: Barney, this is Bev and Anna, uh, my coworkers and my friends. Bev, Anna, this is Barney, a high-functioning sociopath and my ex. Barney: Enchanté. That's French for "What's with the purple?" Robin: Well, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and everything is pink and red, so Bev very thoughtfully suggested that we wear purple to show how little we care. Bev: I use, uh, colors to express emotion. Purple is for pride. It was a stupid idea. Anna: Bev, you look at me. It's not a stupid idea. Tonight, we are queens. Robin: And we don't care about some stupid, sexist, corporate holiday. Barney: Please! You might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your "fiancé" who no one's ever met. Bev: Gerard is real! At the Eriksens' house (Ted and Marshall are playing video games) Lily: Ted... I thought you were going to talk to Marshall about coming back to New York. Ted: Yeah, but, you know, things move so fast in New York. Why not hang out here until at least after Valentine's Day. Plus, we're helping Marshall's mom. Uh, Mrs. Eriksen, we're running low on SunnyD! Judy: Is orange juice okay? Ted & Marshall: No! The Bar Barney: Okay, when your "fiancé" Gerard comes back from fixing cleft palates in Peru, maybe snatch a photo of the two of you together, and then I'll totally believe you. Bev: Well, he's going to Kenya after Peru, so... Nora: Hey, guys, so sorry I'm late. Robin: Hey. Hey, Nora. Uh, Nora, this is Barney. You want to see Anna beat him in an arm wrestle? Barney: My elbow slipped! At the Eriksens' house Lily: Marshall, I'm going home. Marshall: What? Lily: I'm flying out tonight before the big storm, and I want you to come with me. Marshall: I can't right now, 'cause my mom needs me. Lily: While I'm sure it's been really helpful for her to have you here playing Super Mario Kart for 14 hours a day... Ted: You have Super Mario Kart?! Marshall: Hell, yeah. Lily: But your mom doesn't need you. Your life in New York needs you. It needs you really bad. Marshall: Baby, don't go. Lily: Please come home soon. The Bar Barney: So, you were an Olympic gymnast? Woman: Silver medal. Barney: Ooh, sorry. Gold's the only thing that really counts. Woman: That's what my dad said. Barney: And she sticks the landing. Why don't you start stretching, and I'll... be right back. Hey, hey, sorry. Nora: Oh, hi. Barney: Quick question. Nora: Yeah. Barney: Why aren't you wearing purple like your friends? Nora: Oh, I told them I forgot, but the truth is, I'm kind of protesting their protest. Can you keep a secret? Barney: Sure. Nora: I love Valentine's Day. Barney: Oh, my gosh! Me, too! Um, is it getting crowded in here, 'cause I think there are two peas in this pod? Nora: Oh, you're a gooey romantic, too? Barney: Guilty. This is embarrassing but every year, I buy flowers and a box of chocolates, even if I'm not with someone. Just in case, you know? Nora: We are pitiful. Barney: The worst. (both chuckle) Nora: Although there is one difference between you and me. Barney: What's that? Nora: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants. At the Eriksen's House Marshall: I miss my dad, Ted. I miss him so much. Ted: I know. Marshall: Um, when I was a kid, we would spend the summers in the Upper Peninsula. And every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin till, like, the middle of the night. And so, it would be pitch black, in the middle of the woods. And I could never see anything in front of the headlights but I always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving. He was like some sort of superhero who could just see way out into the darkness. Now he's just gone. And it's pitch black. And I can't see where I'm going. I can't see anything. The Bar Barney: All right, okay. I was playing you before. But I was really doing you a public service. It's February 13... a day many are now calling Desperation Day. It's kind of a thing. And you walking around, saying you're a gooey romantic? It comes across a bit desperate. Nora: What's desperate about knowing what you want? Look, life is really short, Barney. Who wants to spend Valentine's Day alone, distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you with some sad little activity? Barney: Um, or you could be in the 47th Semi-Annual Laser Tag Tournament in Poughkeepsie. Nora: I have no idea what any of those words mean. Woman: Hey, I'm all stretched out! Barney: Here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag. At the Eriksens' House Marshall: Thanks a lot for coming out here, man. Ted: Yeah. Marshall: Hey, are-are you sure it's okay with Zoey that you're here for Valentine's Day? Ted: Well, I mean, technically, she doesn't know yet. Marshall: What? Ted: Things with Zoey are moving really fast, and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. I just, I needed to take a step back. Marshall: You're not taking a step back. You're running away. And hiding out here, hiding out here is not gonna solve anything. You're just holed up in Minnesota because you're too scared to face reality, and it's... We got to go back to New York, tonight. Ted: We're snowed in. Lily got the last flight. Marshall: So, we drive. It's time. It's time to get back to real life. It's time to grow up. Yeah Mom! Can you make us some PB and J's for the road? Ted: Crusts cut off. Marshall: Crusts cut off! No, Ted. What are we...? We're men. Mom! Leave the crusts on! They forced their opponents to scatter, picking them off, one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter. The Bar Barney: ...became the 2010 Tri-County Champions. Nora: Wow. Laser tag sounds brilliant! Barney: Oh, it is. Plus, if you win, you get free pizza. This is my teammate for tomorrow. Robin: Oh, yeah, I agreed to that. Nora: Where are Bev and Anna? Robin: Well... [FLASHBACK] Bev: So, we're taking off. Robin: What? Anna: Those guys are gonna buy us hot dogs at Grey's Papaya. Robin: What...? So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages, and you're gone? What about the sisterhood? Solidarity? The color purple? Bev: But tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Robin: I thought we didn't care about Valentine's Day. Anna: Look, Robin, you'll find someone, too. You're a queen. You've got so much to offer. Maybe do something with that hair. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: I'm telling you. The power of Valentine's Day. I'm Huey Lewis, and you just heard the news. Nora: Well, I think I'm heading out, too. Barney: What? No, don't go! You want to see a magic trick?! Nora: It's late, and I have a date with my pillow. I mean, not literally. I'm not a lunatic. Boy Scout Troop 15 doesn't stand a chance. Bye. Robin: Speaking of the power of Valentine's Day... Barney: What are you talking about? Robin: Oh, come on. It's-It's past midnight. Desperation Day has come and gone, and you have neither gone nor come. You know why? You like Nora. Barney: No, I don't. She's gross. Robin: Oh... You like her. You think she smells like rain. Barney: Whatever you say. Robin: Oh, hey, Nora. Barney: Nora... MARVIN: Here's a secret. I couldn't see worth a damn, either, buddy. I just kept driving forward, hoping for the best. Look out! Gotcha. Ted from 2030: And so we drove through the night, out of Desperation Day and into Valentine's. And there was no trace of my little freak out, except... Ted's appartment Zoey: Really? An overnight bag for your own living room? Looks like we got a matching set. Ted: Well, that was kind of presumptuous. At the Laser Tag Center Barney: The ground was shaking like. Robin, where are you? Those Boy Scouts have grown a foot since last year. They're terrifying! Robin: Oh, yeah. Change of plans. Happy Valentine's Day. Barney: Hap...? Nora: Hey, Barney. Robin told me to meet you guys here. Ted from 2030: And that's how, for the first time in his life, Barney Stinson wound up on a date on Valentine's Day. (Barney's shot) Barney: Oh! Nora: You will be avenged. At Lily's SCHWARZENEGGER (over TV): Come on! Come on! Kill me! I'm here! Kill me! Lily: Baby, you're back. Marshall: Happy Valentine's Day, Lily Pad. Oh. (Lily is sitting on the couch, talking to her Marshpillow) Lily: We both knew this would end eventually.

The gang tries to finalize their plans for Valentine's Day with less than 24 hours to go. Lily faces the prospect of spending the day without Marshall. Robin spends the holiday with her co-workers while Barney tries to take advantage of dateless women.

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[In 2006, 3 months earlier, at the Bar] Ted: Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? Disc three. My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone? Come on. Disc three! God, Victoria's so amazing! I could talk about her for hours. Lily: What do you mean "could"? Ted: I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... I'm crazy about this girl. It feels like maybe... I don't want to say it. Barney: Trust that impulse, Ted. Robin: Hey. Something kind of cool just happened. My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award. Lily: A... LAME-A? Robin: We prefer Local Area Media Award. Um... there's going to be this big banquet. I know these things aren't much fun, but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. And there's an open bar. All: Yes! Word up! Ted: Yeah, put me down for two. Robin: Really? It's three months away. Ted: I know, but... guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around for a long time. [3 months later, at the Bar] Ted: I'm going to miss Victoria. I should just skip this thing entirely. Robin's still pissed at me after... you know. Barney: You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria before you actually were so you could try to nail Robin and you wound up losing both girls in one night? Ted: Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." I haven't seen her in three weeks. She won't return my calls. Look, I shouldn't go. Marshall: You should definitely go. Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends and that you support her. Barney: Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better, triple threat-- hotter and bigger boobs. Ted: That's only two. Barney: Count again. Ted: Barney, I'm not bringing a date. Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours. Barney: So get an escort. Ted: By "escort," you mean prostitute? Barney: Why not? Ted: Because... gross? Barney: Oh, gross. What, you have some puritanical hang-up about prostitution? Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. Marshall: You really think that's true? Barney: Oh, yeah. I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, like, an extra fish for putting out. Marshall: Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! You've been lawyered. Barney: Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun. Ted: Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically or to actually have s*x with? Barney: Yes. Ted: No! It's illegal. And did I mention gross? Barney: That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that one out of every eight adult women in America is a prostitute. Marshall: You just made that up. Barney: Withdrawn. Marshall: Lawyered. The point is, how long has it been? Ted: 57 days. Barney: Is that your water? May I? Ted: Yeah, go ahead. Barney: Much obliged. 57 days?! Ted, you are in a slump. Ted: No, it's not a slump. It's an intentional hiatus from girls. A slump is when you strike out every time you step up to the plate. But I'm off the roster, baby. I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good. Barney: Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? A naked dudes hanging brain. Ted, you need a lady. And I've got the next best thing-- Mary. She lives in my building. She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool. Ted: Oh, she sounds great. And who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp. Barney: You want to judge a fellow human being based solely on one external characteristic? That's racism. And I do not drink with racists. Good day. Ted: You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can... Barney: I said good day! At the appartment Robin: So should I wear my hair up or down? Lily. Lily: What? Robin: You okay? Lily: Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm just exhausted from work. The stupid school board took away nap time in all kindergarten classes and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. It's much harder to deal with because, well, I don't get my nap. Robin: Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? Is that safe? Lily: Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me? Robin: Ted's still coming to this thing, right? Lily: Yep. Robin: Do you think, um... hypothetically... it would be weird if I bring a date? Lily: Look at you, Scherbotsky, blatantly trying to make Ted jealous. Robin: No, it's just this guy at the station. I never get involved with co-workers, but he asked me and I said yes. Is it going to be weird? Lily: No, it's not going to be weird at all. (Lily's on the phone with Marshall) Robin's bringing a date. Marshall: Boy. That's going to be really weird. Lily: I know. The Bar Marshall: Robin's bringing a date. Ted: Oh. Okay. That's not weird. She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on. Marshall: Dude, it's going to be weird. Ted: No, it's fine. Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, Robin and I are still friends. I don't think it'll be weird. Barney: Yeah, it won't be weird. Ted: Thank you. Barney: Because you're going to bring your own date. Woman: Hello, Barney. Barney: Hi, Mary. Have you met Ted? Mary: Nice to meet you Ted. Ted: Hi, Mary. Wow. It's, uh, nice to meet you, too. Mary: So we're going to an award show? Ted: Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? Barney. Barney: See you in two shakes, Mare. You two make yourselves comfortable. Ted: What the hell? Barney: Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators were harshing my mellow. So I got you a date for the evening. Ted: You got me a hooker. A really hot hook-- A hooker! Barney: Think about it, this is perfect. A: it will make Robin insanely jealous... B: you get to have s*x with her... and C: maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. And D: "B" all night long. Ted: I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet. Barney: The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall. No one will suspect a thing. They'll just see you with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. Look, I'm just trying to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. Whatever. Ted: 500 bucks? Barney: Ted, you're my cabron. You think I'm gonna stick you with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority? Look at how hot she is. Robin would be so jealous. Ted: I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney. Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. I have a soul. Ted from 2030: And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous telepathic conversations. Marshall: Check out Robin's date. Ted: I know. Marshall: Is that who I think it is? Ted: Yep. It's Sandy Rivers. Ted from 2030: Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One, the most low-budget cable news network ever. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Sandy time. Sandy time! Ted from 2030: He was best known for his morning segment "In Today's Paper," during which he literally flipped through today's papers, reading them aloud to viewers. Sandy: Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... I guess, a guy in a superhero costume climbing the Empire State Building. Looks interesting. Ted from 2030: These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours. Ted: Which Sandy do we want today? French Sandy, p0rn star Sandy...? Marshall: Yosemite Sandy, definitely. Ted: Excellent choice. I love this guy. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: I hate this guy. Lily: Hey. Mary: Hi. Lily: I'm Lily. Mary: Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you. Marshall: Mary is a friend of Barney's. Barney invited her. Just met Mary ourselves. Don't know too much about Mary. Look, a beer. Ted: Hey. Robin: Hi. Ted: You look nice. Robin: Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy. Sandy: Hi. Sandy Rivers. Use my full name. People get a kick out of it. Ted: Hi, Sandy. Rivers. So are you two, uh... Sandy: Starting a bunch of office rumors? Looks that way. Looks that way. Ted: Oh, how rude of me. Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers... this is Mary, my date. At the ceremony Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual Local Area Media Awards. Please say hello to our host for the evening, king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie, Vampire Lou! Vampire Lou: Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting and the triumph of the human spirit. Marshall: Man, Vampire Lou just looks great. Ted: I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker. Marshall: Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily go to the ladies' room together, man. Secrets come out in there. Barney: Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have s*x for money." Lily: Who has s*x for money? Marshall: Nobody. What did you guys talk about in there? Anything interesting? Lily: No, not really. We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? You know, it just makes no sense. God, that pisses me off. Ted: Lily, you okay? Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky. Sandy: Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky. Lily: "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky." Mary: Wow. Why are you so tired? Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time. Barney: Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board, and you'll make a ton more money. Lily: Well, guess what, Barney? I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make, unlike you and, sadly, my fiance. Marshall: Well, it's just an internship, for the record. Lily: Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, what would that make me? Mary: A prostitute. Lily: Exactly. Thank you, Mary. Robin: So, Mary, what do you do for a living? Barney: She's a paralegal. Mary: Yes, I'm a paralegal. Robin: Oh, so, Mary the paralegal. What does a paralegal do exactly? Mary: I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown. Lily: Oh, what firm? Mary: Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp. Marshall: That's a real law firm. Mary: I know. Marshall: Nice. Ted: You're pretty good on your feet. Mary: Are you flirting with me? Ted: Is that allowed? Mary: Yes, it's encouraged. Ted: You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, but... well, considering... I'm just going to say it. You are so hot! Mary: Well, thank you. Ted: You're welcome. Robin: Mary, Ted is a great guy. You hold on to him. Don't let him out of your sight for a minute. Ted: So, Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. Sandy: You got me. What do you do, Ted? Ted: Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific. Sandy: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that. Mary: Hey, you know that scene in Empire where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? Ted: You just insulted someone I hate by referencing something I love. Damn, you just got even hotter. Ted from 2030: And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, this girl, despite what she did for a living, was kind of great. Ted: Hey. Robin: Hey. Mary seems nice. Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? Ted: I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. Robin: And just like that, it's all okay. Roll credits. Ted: So you're going to be mad at me forever? What, we're not even friends now? Robin: We're still friends. Ted: Are we? You don't return my calls, we never hang out and now you're trying to make my jealous by waving Edward R. Moron in my face? Robin: Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? Ted: Oh, so now she's a whore? Robin: What? Ted: You know something? Mary the paralegal is awesome. And you know what else? I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, I came here to support you as a friend. And frankly, I'm sick of trying. Sandy: I like that guy. Ted: Hey. Sandy: Hey. What were you guys talking about over there? Ted: Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome. Sandy: Well, thanks. You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in. Ted: Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. You should see the rooms. The views are amazing. Mary: Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room. Barney: Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts. Actually, don't use the mini-bar. Do it. Come on, Ted, do it. This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30. Ted: Sleep with a prostitute? Barney: No, lose your virginity. What up. Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship with a prostitute are 75% more likely to have success in future relationships. Marshall: You just made that up. Barney: Withdrawn. Marshall: Lawyered. Okay, three things. First of all, Robin's category's almost up. And second of all, you cannot do this. It's wrong on every level. And third, I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. He still hasn't noticed. Ted: I know I can't do this. I'm not doing this. It's just... it's a shame. She's really cool. Marshall: Yeah, well... there we go. Vampire Lou: Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for A Bicycle-- Joyride or Deathtrap? Mike Murphy for 13, Pregnant and Addicted. And Robin Scherbotsky for Pickles, the Singing Dog. And the winner is... Robin Scherbotsky. Robin: Thanks. Oh, wow. This is really a surprise. Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award with my friends. They're all here tonight. Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers... Barney... And that's it. Those are all my friends. Thank you. Marshall: Congratulations. Robin: Oh, thanks. Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? Sandy: Sure. Let's go. Ted: Yeah, this party's dead. Mary, you want to go upstairs? We, uh, got a room. Marshall: Dude, what are you doing? Ted: What's it look like? Marshall: It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this. Ted: Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous. Marshall: Oh, that's real mature. Lily: Marshall, what is up with you and Ted? Marshall: Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. Fine. Do what you want. Hey. Mary: Should we go? Ted: Yeah. Thanks. Well... Good night. Robin: Good night. [SCENE_BREAK] In the elevator Ted: So, did you and Barney ever...? Mary: There's not enough money in the world. Ted: Oh, thank God. Marshall: Wow, so they're...? Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? Robin: I put him in a cab. Barney: So you and he aren't...? Robin: I don't date people I work with. I was just trying to make Ted jealous. Is he...? Marshall: He's off trying to make you jealous. Robin: Oh, well, good for them. And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool. Marshall: Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes. Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prostitute. Lily, waking up: Mary's a prostitute? Robin: What?! Marshall: Barney paid for her. Lily: Is that true? Marshall: We were having a conversation about prostitution, and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar and now she and Ted are upstairs. Robin: Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown? Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah! Marshall: That's her napkin. Lily: No! Barney: Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! Vampire Lou, would you do the honors? Vampire Lou: "Mary's not really a prostitute." Marshall: What? Barney: That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done. Marshall: So she's not...? Barney: No. Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part-- she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker. Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean. In the hall of the hotel Ted: I feel kind of like Richard Gere. Mary: Not shy about your looks, are you? Ted: No. You know, Mary, I've never done this before. Mary: Done what? Ted: You know, been... on a "date." Mary: Yeah, right. Wait, you're kidding, right? Ted: No. Why, is that so odd? Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15. Ted: God, you were just a kid. Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and... Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long. Ted: Must be tough. Mary: Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about a**l. Well, here we are. Ted: Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this. You're a hooker. Mary: What? Ted: Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not going to have s*x with a prostitute. Mary: No... Ted, I'm a paralegal. Ted: Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. You're a hooker. Mary: No, Ted... I'm a paralegal. Ted: No, you're a hooker. Mary: No, I'm a paralegal. Ted: You're a paralegal. The Bar Ted: That was not funny. Marshall: Not funny, dude. Barney: I know, it was hilarious. Ted: Why would you do that? Barney: I did it to prove a point. Ted: What point? Barney: Stay with me. It's going to come to me. No. Ah, okay, here's the point. You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right? So what happened? She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. All you have to do is be that confident with every girl you meet and your slump is over. Ted: So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? Barney: Come on, dude, you should be thanking me. Ted: She slapped me and stormed off. Barney: Can you blame her? You called her a hooker. Marshall: I'm sorry, dude, it was funny. Ted: Yeah. Well, it's getting late. I should get back to my room. Barney: Your room? Ted: Yeah, that really expensive hotel room you put on your credit card-- never checked out. By the way, you know what's super fun? Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. (Ted leaves) Marshall: Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Robin invites the group to an awards banquet in which she is being honored for her newscasts. At the banquet, Barney convinces Ted that his date is actually a prostitute that he hired, while Ted also struggles with seeing Robin with her co-worker.

fd_Bull_01x07

fd_Bull_01x07_0

Bull: I'm Dr. Jason Bull. I'm not a lawyer. I'm an expert in what's called trial science. I study the jury's behavioral patterns. I know what they're thinking before they do. Everything my team learns gets plugged into a matrix, which allows us to assemble a mirror jury that is scary in its predictive efficiency. The verdict you get depends on me. And that's no bull. (tires screeching) (metal crashes) Man: Are you crazy? Do you want him to be made fun of for the rest of his life? Woman: This is your son! Man: Karen! (children laughing) Excuse me. Man: I don't want to talk about this. This is the 30th time we've talked about this. (groans) Woman: John... Stop. Man: I'm defending my son. Man: Stop what? Woman: Listen to me, this is your son! (exhales) (children shouting) Man: Did you see the way that guy's treating him? Karen. Karen! Oh, God. Karen! Karen! Oh, God, my wife! My wife, she needs help! (sirens approaching) My God. Oh, my God. Call 911. Call 911. (echoing): Call 911! Defense attorney: ...the prosecution has attempted to throw roadblocks in front of my client at every turn, in an outrageous attempt... Bull: Ah, Judge Lamkin. Can almost make civil court tolerable. That's three days in a row her eyes fluttered at 3:30, only to perk up again after her 4:00 p.m. tea. You don't know that's tea. Either way, we need to see our best witnesses in the morning. And it's tea. Lamkin only has one drink a day, after dinner, single-malt scotch. And you know that how, exactly? Never mind. Lamkin: The prosecution's witness had a change in schedule. We will resume Wednesday. Your Honor, the prosecution knew the officer's patrol shifted. This means four more days in jail. Lamkin: Mr. Foster, you've made this argument three times, three different ways now. Wednesday stands. It's just a shame the way they throw these public defenders to the wolves. Uh, Mr. Public Defender... In this county, lawyers sit on the right. Lamkin: Watch it, Bull. Sorry, Your Honor. Dr. Bull. Oh, I'm gonna go get the car. Judge Lamkin, always a pleasure. And that is a new robe... Rag & bone? How would you like to do me a favor? A case in Judge Bergen's court. I was hoping it would be a little more interesting, but go on. Some poor guy was in a car accident, and his wife was killed. The DA's going after him for vehicular manslaughter. And you'd throw out the case. I would. Bergen's not so forgiving. I thought you and your team could jump on board, at least make it a fair fight. Well, Judge, you know my plate is very full. I have a trial coming up in your court. I could always postpone it. And suddenly my plate is empty. (chuckles) Do we have a lawyer? Can't afford one. So it's whoever draws the long straw at Legal Aid. (phone ringing) What about that guy? I think he was sworn in at the bar on his way to court this morning. Bull: Hmm. Perfect. I love a fresh lump of clay. And what, you're Michelangelo? Michelangelo's David was chiseled from a very large, imperfect block of marble other artisans wouldn't touch. I look forward to your masterpiece. Hmm. John and Karen Phillips. Married ten years, one son, Carter. Luckily, Carter was not in the car at the time of the crash. Cable: God. How fast was he going? 11 miles an hour over the speed limit. That doesn't sound reckless. Well, I never speed. It's called taking the subway. The police report says there was a sign warning cars to slow down, and he'd had a drink at a barbecue beforehand. Blood alcohol? 04... one beer. Below the legal limit. Marissa: To prosecute for vehicular manslaughter, they'd have to prove that John purposely drove in an agitated state. I don't get it. What's their case? Bull: Exactly. How often does the DA push for manslaughter on a traffic accident? Less than five percent of the time. This is the question. What is motivating the DA to prosecute? I'm on it. I'm tempted to hack into the DA's private server and then... just give me an hour and an iced quad espresso and I'll have something, okay? I never know whether to be scared or impressed. First instinct's usually the best. Baseball dad, devoted husband. Worked double shifts as an HVAC installer, just to take his family to Coney Island once a year. And then tragedy took all that away. John and Karen were driving home from a team barbecue one day, and... But thank God their son Carter had stayed behind with friends. They rounded a bend... Must be hard to hear. Well, it was harder losing Karen. I don't understand what this is. This is all part of trial science. We test out your case. Find the right strategy, narrative. My attorney isn't even here. Legal Aid lawyers often have 30 to 40 active cases. He doesn't need to be here. (sighs) This is so surreal. I lost my wife in a car accident and they think I'm a killer? Karen was everything to me. If I go to jail, my son ends up in foster care. Bull: Hey. We're not gonna let that happen. This is a process. And it works. Come on. (thud) (whistles) Pretty sophisticated equipment. Not cheap, either. Why are you doing this for me? Well, it isn't charity. You're getting me on the good side of a judge who's presiding over a very lucrative suit next month. And I'm not giving you any of my share. More importantly, we don't believe in letting people go to jail for an accident. Everyone has their reasons. Carter: Dad? John: Hey. Hey, buddy. Listen, I'm a little short on cash. Can I settle up with you next week? Babysitter: No problem. I'll see you Monday. Bye, Carter. How was school? Okay. So... Brought your lawyer, huh? I'm not a lawyer. Bull (chuckling): Yeah, that's right. You're probably too smart to be a lawyer. Hey. Don't bias a nine-year-old. I'm still eight. In five months and six days, I'll be nine. John: All right. See you soon, Dr. Bull. Carter, it's time to go. We have to get to your class. Nice to meet you, Carter. Cable. You said you found something? I found a troll. You and I have very different definitions of "something." Cable: This guy is on the Internet defending John, saying there's more to this story. How would he know? Well, that's why I started chatting with him. He's pointing a finger at this guy named Trevor Dormit. Bull: The state assemblyman. Cable: I asked him what Dormit had to do with the crash and he's being pretty evasive. Is Dormit on the witness list? No. Hmm. All right. Maybe he should be. Print out everything you have on him. Like on paper? No. Banana leaves. Yes, on paper. Doing this old school. Gonna need the visual. TV announcer: Line drive to left, and that's a drive and a run. Man: Come on. Yeah! Assemblyman Dormit. I'm Dr. Jason Bull. I'm sorry, there was nobody outside there. Marcy will be back in a minute; she'll be able to help you. This will just take a moment. Um, a friend of mine is on trial for manslaughter. Uh... This office could look into that, but really that is an issue for the DA. No. I know, that's why I'm here. Because I read all these online posts, and it seems you're involved in the case against John Phillips? I don't know who that is. Well, that's the guy who was in this tragic accident and he lost his wife. Oh. The maniac drunk driver. And you were there. Yeah. Dormit: Just a few cars back. Thank God I wasn't any closer, or I might not be here today. Well, I don't know if you realize John was driving home from his eight-year-old son's baseball game. A lot of criminals are fathers, sadly. Well, he's... not a drunk driver. Not a maniac, certainly, not a criminal at all. He's just a single father now. He's lost his wife. Oh. You can leave your information with Marcy. Marcy (in distance): Assemblyman Dormit's office. Okay. Sorry. Yeah. One... one last question. Are you the chief sponsor of the road improvement bill for Nassau County? Because it seems that you stand to benefit greatly from characterizing John's accident as a criminal act. In fact, it seems you're the reason John's on trial in the first place. Marcy. Marcy: Yes, sir? Call security, please. This man's refused repeated instructions to leave the office. He might be armed. Marcy: Right away, sir. That won't be necessary. You know, before you came in here, I was on the fence about taking the time to testify against Phillips, but now, I guess, I'll see you in court. I'm looking forward to that. [SCENE_BREAK] Bull: Hey there, Marissa, I'm putting you on speaker. Marissa: How'd you get Dormit to testify? Classic high-conflict behavior. Instead of resolving problems, he likes to escalate them. Well done! You can put him on the stand just like you wanted. Now that you got your wish, what's next? (siren wailing) Officer (over megaphone): Police. Pull over. Bull (sighing): I'll let you know when I get back. First I have to pay for my wish. Marissa: What do you mean? Officer (over megaphone): Police! Pull over now. Bull: Dormit must have told local law enforcement I was driving through. Bye. License and registration. Sure thing, Officer. Do you mind if I ask what I did wrong? I don't know if you're aware of New York laws, sir, but it's a hands-free state. In the car. I assume it's safe to use our hands other places. Please step out of the car. Can I use my hands? You're a funny guy, huh? Hi. Oh, good. We're pooling our resources to pay your fine. FYI, Marissa wouldn't give up her watch. I take it the assemblyman had something to do with your citation. A small price to pay for the pleasure of his company in court. So, the prosecution's plan is to get the jury's attention focused on the small details. Yep. Beer, the speeding. Looking angry as he passed Dormit. But now we put those details into a larger context. With Dormit on the stand? And with a jury full of people who don't get hung up on the details. Like Benny. Thanks? Bull: No judgment. That's just how the Benny brain works. What brand of shoes was Marissa wearing yesterday? What color was her jacket? Benny: I don't remember. But she looked great. Thank you. Danny: Manolos. And a winter white jacket over an emerald crew neck. Very elegant. Marissa: Okay. That's probably enough about my fashion choices. I take it we wouldn't want a detective on our jury. Bull: No. On this one we need people who only think of the big picture. Intuitive thinkers. Jury selection is never perfect. That's why we have a head start. This is tomorrow's jury pool. How did you get... I mean, nobody gets this in advance. We do. Marissa: Better not to ask. Cable's running through their social media. Court records... anything that tells us who these people are. And who to avoid. But in voir dire, you can't just ask people if they get hung up on details. You're gonna ask these questions. Gil: Do you prefer cooking or baking? Mr. Foster, please. I'm hungry. Don't try my patience before lunch. Bull: Judge Bergen's probably gonna give you a little bit of flack. Don't worry. You can ask anything you want in court. Cooking or baking? Bull: Bakers are precise. They have to follow the recipe exactly, details matter. Cooking. It's more about the feel of the dish. I sort of wing it, though, 'cause I never have the right stuff in my fridge. Gil: So people who cook will be more open to John's story. Cooking or baking? Uh, baking. But not all that vegan gluten-free, taste-free crap. We move to strike this juror. Bull: Don't smile. You can't smile. You didn't just win the lottery. You struck a juror. You give anything away, the prosecution will catch on. So just show me. Oh. Yeah, but don't look nervous. Show me your neutral face. That's more sad clown. We'll work on this. Don't think about it. (sighs) Oh, boy. Juror: Cooking. No patience for baking. Acceptable to the defense. Bergen: Mr. Mercado? Acceptable, Your Honor. Bergen: It looks like we have a jury. Participating in a criminal case as a juror is an important duty. We will attempt to keep any inconvenience to you at a minimum. I would like to remind you as a juror there are some guidelines you need to follow. I spend my weekends bird watching. I spend my weekends bird watching. I'm married with four kids. I'm married with four kids. George/Mirror George: I am an account executive. Still single. We have identified the 12 mirror jurors. How'd we fare? Mostly good. However... Sorry. ...the mirror jury has led me to believe that this juror could be an issue. Arthur Jolene. His pulsed spiked when he saw that John was speeding. He pays all his bills on time. And... He's a birdwatcher. Oy. He's kept a hand-written log for the last 19 years. He can spot all 476 species in New York. And he's still single? Can you believe it? Speaking of that winter white jacket and Manolos... Oh, not again. Wait a minute. I want in on this. She's worn a new outfit twice this week. And she left the office at 7:30 last night, which never happens, so what's going on? I am pretty sure this is why the phrase "none of your business" was originally invent... (gasps) (laughing) Sorry. Don't know my own strength. That was at least 16 feet. Yes, it was. All right, big guy. You're at bat. Show me what ya got. Now, I hear that you're a Mets fan. I'm not gonna hold that against you. Who's your favorite player? Cespedes. He's averaging almost 300, but July 5 he hit 305, and April 29, starting up against the Giants, he hit 313. (exhaling): Wow. Nice stats. Show me your stance. You all right there, kiddo? Getting ready takes a sec. Warm up for you. (quietly mimics ball whooshing) Ah, man, missed it. That was a good cut. Bad pitch. So you got some Major League scouts looking at you? Nah, I'm not on the team anymore. Oh. All right. Let's take another cut. Eyes on the ball this time. (mimics ball whooshing) Whoa! Talked to all the parents from the game? Uh, minus two who are more evasive. But we have character witnesses. John checks out like father of the year. Anyone mention why John took Carter off the team? One dad thinks it has to do with the accident, the trial. Talk to everyone. Find out what kind of player Carter was. [SCENE_BREAK] (doorbell rings) Danny: Lurla Gray? (wind chimes tinkle) Maybe. Are you the one who called about John Phillips? Your sons played baseball together. Ma'am? I worked for the FBI. This gnome you have guarding your door isn't gonna deter me. I told them I was done talking. I don't want to be involved. Told who? The DA. He promised to protect me if I handed over the video. Ma'am, what video? (men arguing indistinctly) (overlapping arguing) ...I want to win games out there. Listen, maybe you find a different sport for your son. Okay. That's not good, John. Attacking a coach supports the prosecution's case that he drove in an agitated state. And then you got in the car? This is a detail the jury may have a hard time ignoring. [SCENE_BREAK] Look, I know it looks bad, but there's a perfectly good... I don't know, maybe it's not very good, but... That guy there, Gary, he's one of the dads that coaches Carter's team. And he benches Carter every game until the last inning, when it doesn't even matter. Is it a competitive league? These kids are eight years old. But he's acting like they're going to the World Series. He, he has the same three kids riding the pine every game. Not his kid, I bet. So you shoved him. John: I only went to go talk to him. In private so it wasn't a thing in front of the other parents, but then he starts acting like it was my fault. Carter's fault. And then he says, "Oh, maybe your kid should find another sport." And, uh... I just snapped. Bull: John. These are the kinds of things we need to know. Danny: The prosecution has the video. And Mercado's gonna lead with it at trial. It'll make the case that you were in an agitated state before you got behind the wheel. This gives the prosecution grounds for manslaughter. We'll be ready. For whatever they throw at us. In the car crash that killed... No, nope, nope, nope, sorry. I kno... I know you said you were gonna jump in, I just assumed I'd get a whole sentence in first. Don't use the word "crash." It's "accident," "tragedy," "loss." Those are the magic words. Especially around Arthur Jolene. Who? Juror Number Two. And the other two who will cluster around him. Cluster? Jurors Number Eight and Nine will follow the strongest personality with whom they share similar traits. That's Arthur. (clears throat) This tragic accident... Why are you standing there? I'm talking to Arthur. Okay. But when you're talking about John, it actually helps to stand near him. That'll subconsciously associate John with the positive words in the jurors' brains. Okay. But not when you mention the negative details. Like the fight with the coach. Oh, no. They didn't have a fight. He confronted a hot-headed coach who was taking the game too seriously. (sighs) Will it even matter where I stand once they've seen that video? Everything matters. The coach won't testify, so Danny's talking to him now to find out why. John's right, I want to win baseball games, and there's no rule that says you got to play all the kids the same amount of time. But I don't blame John for what happened. He's a decent guy, he means well. When you said that, the prosecution chose not to call you to the stand. I made it pretty clear that I don't want to get involved. John doesn't deserve this, and I feel for Carter. Even though you benched him? Ugh. The kid is terrible. And I don't want him to lose his dad to prison after he just lost his mom. Would you be willing to testify that you instigated the fight? (scoffs) No. John lost it. Don't get me wrong. Parents go bananas out there all the time. Last week a shortstop's dad was critiquing another kid's hitting, got a snow cone to the face. (chuckles) I told you, it doesn't make any of us look much better. Is there anything that you could tell me that might help? Well, I didn't tell the DA guy this, but Karen called right after from the car. And? She wanted to apologize. Had something to explain, but then John yelled at her and she hung up. Explain what? I don't know. Look, I wish him well. Thank you. So he fought with the coach and his wife before the accident? All part of the same fight. It's not helping. I debriefed the mirror jury after they saw the video, looks like we only have five of 12 on John's side. Three guiltys. Arthur Jolene, and the two clustering around him. Think the fight's clear evidence that John's an angry guy who shouldn't have gotten behind the wheel. Bull: John was angry. But he's not an angry guy, and the jury needs to see that. You working a theory? First, we have to dispense with Assemblyman Dormit. Assuming Gil follows the plan. Dormit eats lawyers like Gil for lunch. For breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. I think it's lunch. Gil will not be eaten. Now, someone needs to go through John's insurance claims for the last five years. Medical. It's not exactly legal, is it? Well, then, it's a good thing no one here is doing it. Especially not... (calling): Cable! Cable: Today? Judge Lamkin. I'll meet you guys in there. Now, you don't work at this courthouse. No. But I do live in Nassau County. Oh! You're taking my advice. Running for State Assembly. It's something I've wanted to do for years, but I never really thought I had a shot. Hmm. Are you sure about this? [SCENE_BREAK] Then I'm off to file. Mercado: Assemblyman Dormit, can you identify the driver? Yeah, he's sitting right over there. Well, I was trying to switch lanes so he could pass, but he was already swerving around me. Nearly ran me off the road. Gave me an angry look. I thought maybe he was drunk. Objection, assumes facts not in evidence. And actually, we have John's blood alcohol level on record as being below the legal limit, so, assumes lies not in evidence. Bergen: That's not actually a thing, Mr. Foster, but point taken. Mercado: And then what happened? Dormit: Then I saw the road sign. It said "Slow: Congestion Ahead." So I slowed down. And as I rounded the bend I saw the huge crash he'd caused. Mercado: Thank you. That's all. Gil: Mr. Dormit, would you happen to know how many drivers are prosecuted for car accidents in this district? Not off the top of my head, no. Well, even when there's a fatality, it's less than five percent of the time, right? I guess Something like that. Which would certainly makes it seem like John's being unfairly singled out. Get to a question, Mr. Foster. Gil: Do you have an agenda, Mr. Dormit? After the accident, did you call your friend and golf buddy, the district attorney, and personally request that John be charged? That is moronic. Name calling is not the same as giving an answer. Cable: Gil put his first points on the board. Look at the spike in vitals on his mirror juror's biometer. A crack in Arthur Jolene's cluster. Not hard to tap into people's outrage against the abuse of power. Juror number nine swore he'd never vote again after the last election. How many speeches did you give after John's wreck in support of a new highway project in your district? I give a lot of speeches. Six. By the way, I love the slogan from your last election. "All roads lead to Dormit." It's catchy. You sponsored the roads. Objection. Relevance. The next words better be relevant, Mr. Foster. Mr. Dormit, do you have something to personally gain from John's conviction, perhaps having something to do with the road improvement bill for Nassau County that you sponsored? Isn't it true that your brother owns a concrete factory? I'm not saying there were kickbacks... Now, hold on... You hold on. Now, who the hell are you? Those projects were fair, created jobs... For your family. He's the criminal. Right there. He is. Marissa says we gained a few. Where's John? He went outside to cool off. Can't blame him for not being Dormit's biggest fan. Remember the first thing I told you when you joined TAC? Uh, you said never stop at a client's first confession. It's only the beginning. Bull: John. Hey, Dr. Bull. Hey. John, slow down. Hey... it's one thing to stare down Dormit in court, it's another to confront him in his car. I don't care anymore, okay? What would a jury think? You have to think. He is ruining my life. Shh, shh. He doesn't care about your life. He's a political opportunist, okay? And that may be pathetic and awful, but he's not your biggest problem. You are. John, what were you and Karen fighting about before the crash? It was nothing. I mean, she was mad that I went after the coach. Because he didn't know about Carter. There's nothing wrong with my son. You can hide it all you want, but it's all I see. Carter's had his challenges, hasn't he? He has some kind of, um, motor planning disorder. I know. He's been in physical therapy for the last two years. Three times a week. Mm. He's just as good as any of these other kids. He just has to work twice as hard. So... when he got benched, you know, I just... Yeah, but why don't you just tell the coach he needs a little extra help? Karen wanted to, but I-I... I-I don't want people treating him differently. But in the car, she said that I was ashamed. Of my own son. And that's what you were fighting about... Coach (echoing): Carter, watch your stance! Bull: ...before the crash. This is something you have to tell the jury. They will understand, too. No. No. This stays between us. Have a seat. Look, I'll testify, but, uh... I don't see how I could possibly be a good witness. John, you and your wife loved each other very much. I've seen it in the photos, in the stories, everything Carter says. I know, but... And you had a fight. Like every other married couple on the planet. Dr. Bull, you don't understand. The way that we yelled... it was... It wasn't the first time that you fought about whether or not to tell someone about Carter's condition, was it? I know this isn't easy, but neither is hiding it. I'm not hiding it. I just... I want him to have a real childhood. I mean, you start talking to people, and... he doesn't get on a team, he gets singled out. You know, nothing should hold him back. That's what I want you to say on the stand. No. I'm... I'm not using my son to win the sympathy of strangers. I got to go to work. Hey, why aren't you bantering with your Internet troll friend? He, uh, went dark. Why? I thought he was following John's case. Gave you the Dormit intel. I know. I thought he'd be all excited about Dormit's flailing in court. He's a good hacker, too. But he's really hard to find. Well, you know what Bull would say? Something cryptic that takes me days to understand? Cable, when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail. You're coming at it like a hacker. Right? Only looking online. But you got to think big picture. This guy's sympathizing with John. Why? Marissa: Gil's cross of Dormit convinced two fence-sitters that John is getting unfairly railroaded. Oof. I'm not sure we can get the other two if John won't explain the whole story behind the fight. If the jury hears the whole context, they'll see John as a loving father, not as an angry driver. But... without that, they'll default to the prosecution's version. Bull: And our cluster's still holding firm around Bird-man? Well, we observed jurors eight and two at a nearby cafeteria agreeing with each other that Gil's new cross of Dormit was weak at best. His mirror juror's still hung up on the road sign Dormit mentioned. Can't see how John missed it. So we'll do a better job at convincing him the sign's irrelevant. Bull: It's not that easy... He's not naturally an intuitive thinker, you can't change him in a day. It's like trying to get an introvert to be the life of the party. So what do we do? Let's forget about Arthur for the moment. Shore up our maybes. How? John said he won't talk. Correct. But we can have Gil bring up Carter's condition. You want me to ambush my own client on the stand? Gil... No. No way. My job is to tend to the needs of the client. Your job is to make sure that John does not rot in prison. Your job is to make sure that his son doesn't end up in foster care. Gary: The game is done, all right? He has to sit on the bench... ...wasn't trying to do nothing. I want to win games out there. John: What is-what is this, the World Series? Gary: Listen, maybe you find a different sport for your son. (video shuts off) Gil: And then you shoved the coach? John: I pushed him. I know that that video looks awful and, uh, believe me, I'm not proud of it. Why do you think the coach doesn't want to play Carter as much as the other kids? John: I'm not saying that he's a top player, but Carter should be able to play more than just last inning. Carter had any trouble keeping up with the other kids? No. What's that supposed to mean? John, I have some documents here from Carter's developmental pediatrician. They speak to some challenges he's faced in the past 18 months. Tell us what was really going through your head when you went to talk to the coach. (sniffs) Carter has a motor planning disorder. He's a smart kid, he's the best kid in the world, it just takes him some extra practice to, uh... (sniffs) I'm sorry, I, um, I didn't come here today to talk about Carter. I just-I just never wanted him to be, uh, treated differently, to be seen as weak. Karen wanted me to tell people. And Karen was the smartest person that I know. Marissa: We won over the maybes, but Arthur is still hung up on the road sign. He needs one more detail to latch on to. I might have a lead on that. And you've been withholding? You're one to talk. What do you mean? Oh, the new dresses, leaving at 7:30. You're dating someone. And you're being unusually cagey about it. Yeah, don't make me do a deep dive. Hey, we have one rule around here. No investigating teammates. Danny: Oh. Then you shouldn't work with a team of investigators, lady. Arthur is not interested in my dating life. Can you please find something for him to focus on? I'm on it. Man: Hey! You're Austin. Do I know you? Yeah, virtually. We were talking online about your favorite assemblyman. I'm a friend of John Phillips. I... I got to go. Oh, yeah, you could. You're a really good hacker, Austin. You hid your identity perfectly. All but once. When you donated to Karen Phillip's memorial fund. It was supposed to be a dumb prank. I knew that Dormit would be driving by that day. He'd been tweeting about the fund-raiser all day. You... you really don't like the guy. My mom works at Bretner Library. Or she used to... until... Dormit demolished it to make room for that new highway interchange off Exit 7. Dormit says, "Who cares? Nobody reads books anymore anyways." So I thought I'd get back at him somehow. What did you do, Austin? [SCENE_BREAK] Man: What the hell is that? "No need to read"? (laughs) Cable: We found this on Instagram. Austin hacked the sign. Man: Somebody's gonna get fired. Cable: "No Need to Read" is just the hacker's stupid joke for Dormit. It was there about 20 minutes before traffic clogged up enough to cause the accident. Once he realized what he had done, he switched it back. John, you really had no warning. This sign didn't say, "Slow: congestion ahead." This is it. This is the exact detail we needed, because Arthur's a rule-follower, and he'll know that our client did not break the rule. So we recall John back on stand? John? I can't do that. Why not? I... I don't think I ever saw the sign. I-I don't remember it. At all. Marissa: If you don't remember seeing it, so, the prosecution will say the hack doesn't matter. Recall John. Let 'em try. Mercado: Isn't it odd, Mr. Phillips, that you're just now remembering this hacked sign? It is, but so is being prosecuted for a car accident after losing my wife. After killing your wife, you mean. Objection! Bergen: Sustained. Mercado: Why didn't you tell us that the sign was hacked? Because you never saw it? Cable: The only one to watch is Arthur. So far, he's still with the prosecution. Marissa: Bull knows what he's doing. Mercado: Isn't there only one good reason why you missed the sign? Isn't it because you were driving under the influence? Objection! Overruled. Mercado: You had a drink, you were driving in a fit of rage... That's not what happened. You were so angry that you couldn't think straight. Otherwise, you would have seen that giant sign right in front of you, and Karen would still be alive, wouldn't she? That's not true! Do you remember seeing the sign, hacked or not? No. I don't remember seeing it. Then it doesn't matter if the sign was hacked. All right, this is the fun part. Right. The circus act. It's psychology, not a parade of elephants. It's just the closing argument. You can do this. You want me to lure the jury into a trap. That's a little bit like a circus. Follow my lead. The prosecution argues that the hacked sign doesn't matter... Gil: The prosecution argues that the hacked sign doesn't matter. Bull: Because John didn't see it. Because John didn't see it. Bull: And if he had seen it, well, obviously, he would have remembered it. Gil: Right? Bull: Wrong. Our brains take in thousands of pieces of information every minute, and our brains have to unconsciously make choices. Unconsciously make choices. Bull: And we focus on what matters. We focus on what matters. A sign that says "No Need to Read"? Well, it doesn't matter. Still, I understand that maybe you don't believe me. And I figured... this is too important a detail to just take on faith. So this morning, I actually removed a sign from this courtroom. It was big, and it was noticeable, and it's been on that wall for the entire length of this trial. So, can anyone tell me what it said? Nobody? Gil: How can you be sure they won't remember? Okay, right. I should have learned to trust you and your witchcraft by now. It's not witchcraft. It's science. John read that road sign the way you all read that courtroom sign, but he dismissed it, just like you did, because it wasn't relevant. Just like this one. "A court officer must be present at all times." Judge: Mr. Foster, I'd appreciate it if you would return my sign now. Gil: Of course, but this wasn't actually a sign that was on the wall. This was. Objection. Clearly misleading the jury, Judge Bergen. That's my point, Mr. Mercado. It's relevant to our case. Mr. Foster, put back the sign. Gil: Absolutely, Your Honor. The point is, they weren't relevant. They weren't relevant. So you had no memory of seeing them, or not seeing them. Just... like... John. Gil: And I can assure you, I can assure you, had that road sign said something relevant, had it said, "Slow: congestion ahead," well, John would have remembered it, and reacted. Bull: It would have saved Karen's It would have saved Karen's life. Man (on radio): This is 107.4 with your hourly news update. An acquittal today in the John Phillips manslaughter case involving the death of his wife Karen. The case proceedings may have opened up further legal action... Hey. I owe you... a lot. I told you, I'm already collecting from Judge Lamkin. Now, there is one thing you, uh, you need to do. Just tell me I don't have to reenact my fight with the coach. Oh, I'm not gonna make you do that. You just have to admit Karen was right. She knew the secret. Instead of hiding how Carter's different, maybe it's better to embrace it. He doesn't have to hit home runs to be happy. That was Daddy's joy. He wants to make you proud. He doesn't have to. We know that, but does he? Carter: Dad! Hey. Did you see my stance? Yeah. Buddy, you looked great. So, what about this batter? What's his average? 310, but his OBP is better. 415 for home games, and his slugging is 523. Awesome, right? Yeah. Covered in awesome sauce. All right, I'll see you later. ♪ So many times before... ♪ So, uh, what are the pitcher's stats? Carter: He's pretty good. I mean... John: The batter? Carter: He's not a stick in the ground, either. Player over there looks pretty tough. Carter: That one's good. ♪ And one heart won't give you up... ♪ Bull: Here it comes. Oh, yeah. Mmm, mmm, mmm! You guys got pineapple again? Stop focusing on the details, Chunk. I could focus on the details if they weren't covered in pineapple. Ooh, hot! Ooh! There it is. All: Boo! So how's your ex-husband? It's tricky business, rekindling with Greg. Who told you? You did. You wore three different shades of green this week. That was his favorite color. Haven't worn green in a long time. I know it's probably a bad idea, and I promise I won't come to you again when things go south... You can always come to me. Thank you. Danny: Hey, guys, check this out. Have you seen this billboard? ♪ 'Cause I just need a kick start... ♪ Chunk: Judge Lamkin? She's running against Dormit in the next election. That's amazing. Awesome. Danny: Look at that. Benny: Wasn't that a billboard for Dormit? Cable: Austin's not the only hacker around here. ♪ And finally let the hurt begin ♪ ♪ Tell me when the hurt begins ♪ ♪ 'Cause honey won't you let me in. ♪

As Bull assists a man facing vehicular manslaughter charges, he uncovers a connection between his client's trial and a corrupt state assemblyman who would greatly benefit from a guilty verdict. Also, Danny and Cable team up to investigate why Marissa is suddenly acting and dressing differently.

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x07

fd_Degrassi_Next_Generation_02x07_0

(Music plays, Spinner is running down the soccer field and kicks the ball into the net, referee blows a whistle and you hear screams and clapping. Score: 3 to 2. Paige is mesmerized by a member of the rival team, background noise fades and you hear Paige's breathing echoed.) Spirit Squad: 5,6,7,8, What do you know? We kicked their butts, and we're proud to show! Woo! Spinner: Good game. Hazel: Can you believe Spinner scored the winning goal!? Paige? Paige? Dean jogs past Hazel & Paige to the bus. Hazel: It ain't never gunna happen. Paige: Ain't never? That's a double negative. You are a double negative, and you're raining on my love parade. Spinner: (running up to the girls and then walking with them) Hey Paige: Spinner hey. Hazel: You were totally amazing out there. See, double positive. Spinner: So you saw me win the game? Paige: (watching Dean get on the bus) Um hmm, you were... great. Spinner: (Dean looks over at Paige) So Saturday, do you wanna hang out with Degrassi's new MVP? (Walking backwards) Maybe a... movie? Paige: (stopping & finally looking away from Dean) Saturday? Right, um, I was gunna work on my M.I. project. Spinner: Oh, uh couldn't you do that Sunday? Paige: Um... sure. But Spinner, nothing gory ok? No cops, no aliens, no psychos with masks. Spinner: Ok, I promise. Chick flick, all the way. (He runs to the dressing room) Hazel: He's so in love with you. Paige: What are you talking about? We've done stuff together before. Hazel: Not like this. Spinner. Chick Flick. Paige: So what? Anyway I'm looking to date up this year remember? Hazel: I don't care what you say, Spinner's got a crush. Paige: Spinner and I are JUST friends. In the locker room Jimmy: I knew you were more than friends. Spinner: (Jumping on the bench) I am a winner on the field and with the ladies! I couldn't have picked a better day to ask her out. Jimmy: Paige is the coolest girl in grade 9, you are aware of that? Spinner: Of course. Jimmy: You're the man these days. But- the stakes are still high. Plans? Spinner: I'm going with the movie option. Classic, but casual. Jimmy: That's not bad... but you've got to rent. Ok? Empty rec room, comfortable couch... (Jimmy makes hand motions and Spinner nods & says "Ah...") You gotta lead the horse to water my friend. You can't make her drink, but you can make her thirsty. The whole team starts spraying their water on Spinner, Scene changed to Hazel & Paige outside by the buses. Dean is walking on the bus behind another team mate. Paige: He's handsome, he's mature- Hazel: And he's totally leaving. Paige you're life is calling. Paige: And I am definitely going to answer. Paige walks over to the bus and knocks on the window at Dean's seat. Paige: I uh, just wanted to say hi. (She puts her arm out to shake hands with Dean) Paige Michalchuk. Dean: (Shaking her hand) Let me guess. Cheerleader. Paige: Head cheerleader. But, uh, we call it spirit squad. Dean: (Shaking her hand again) Hey spirit, I'm Dean. Paige: I know. (She looks around wondering why she said that) I mean uh, you're the competition. Know your enemy and all that right? Dean: You guys wanna come to a party tomorrow night? Help us... I don't know, celebrate defeat? (The bus starts to pull out while Dean hangs out the window) Paige: I don't know. Where? Dean: 122 East Pate. Anytime after 7. The bus turns the corner and Hazel & Paige let out a girly scream. Paige: He'll be so sweet to let me know where. (Not sure what Paige says) Scene changes to inside of Degrassi. Toby opens his & Jt's locker and massive amounts of trash falls out. Toby: Jt! JT: (Taking off his mascot head) You called? Whoa buddy, deodorant is your friend. Toby: (Holding up a green molded bag) It's your lunch. From last week! JT: (Throwing it away) Hmm, from solid to liquid in seven days. Fascinating. Oh my clown wig! (He puts it on) The possibilities! (Toby starts choking him) AH! Humane society! Toby: We're not animals we're humans beings and this is discusting! JT: It's a man cave. Toby: It's... it's a toxic dump! I can't believe I volunteered to be your locker mate. JT: Hey, share a locker, do something for Degrassi, Raditch our friend. Toby: If you want us to stay friends, you'll clean this up. Scene changes to Paige & Hazel who are window shopping. There is a pair of shoes in the display of a store with stiletto heels. Hazel: They're like 6 feet off the ground. Forget it. Trust me, we're good. Hazel starts pulling a pouting Paige away from the window when Paige's cell phone rings & she takes it out of her purse. Paige: It's Spinner. Hazel: You did cancel for tonight right? (Paige shakes her head) You have to cancel. Paige: (While texting) Spinner, sorry to bail. Gramma in hospital. Xox - Paige. (She hits send and throws the phone back in her purse) There, we're good. Look, I know what I want, and I want those shoes! Camera zooms in on the shoes and then the scene changes to Spinner & Jimmy in the movie store. Spinner: Ok, we've got "Tender Emotions", "Love & Stardust", "Breakfast in the Sun"... Jimmy: Dude, it's a date, not a marathon. Spinner: Ok, I just need some choices. Ooo oh oh! Food! Glorious food! Doritoes- (his phone rings) Oh, um, cheetoes and pretzels. Hey, it's from Paige! (He starts to read the message) Jimmy: (Mockingly) Dear Spinner God, ever since you scored the winning goal I- Spinner: Dude, it's not funny. Her grandmother's in the hospital. She's canceling. Jimmy: Don't worry about it partner. I've got an alternative. You trust me, ok? Jimmy starts putting the food back while Spinner looks hurt. Scene changes to show Paige and Hazel arriving at the party dressed up. The girls reach the door, and Paige rings the doorbell. Paige breathes deep and looks around. Hazel: Paige, you look great. Relax. Dean opens the door as Paige turns back around Paige: Hi Dean. Dean: Spirit. Friend... Come on in. Inside of the house Dean: So you decided to show up after all. Paige: Yea well after your tragic loss, I figured you could use all the cheerin' up you could get. Dean: Really, and uh- Edwardo where you been man?! (Dean walks away) Hazel: We are totally overdressed. Paige: We DO stand out, but that's good. All we need is the attitude to back it up. Watch this. Paige walks over to where Dean and a few of his friends are talking. Girl: He's intense. That electro-slash stuff he does with Lucky. Dean: And W is always complete genius. Paige: Oh, yea, he's great. I pretty well love all electro-slash. Everybody gets silent and lets out awkward glances. Paige: Dean, are you a big techno fan? I'd love to know what you think. Dean: Sure, but how about a drink first? Paige: Please, I am completely parched. (Dean leaves) Girl: Hey, you might just wanna chill, ok. Paige: Excuse me? Girl: Just, he's a little old for you. Paige: And you're a little jealous. The girl leaves as Dean comes back and hands Paige a drink Dean: Hey Spirit, everything cool? Paige: Perfect. Paige takes a sip of the drink and coughs a bit realizing that its alchohol. She smiles and continues drinking. Scene changes to Jt's kitchen where Jt has many items in a large mixing bowl. Jt: It's all about the right combination of tastes. I've yet to discover the perfect match. Toby: Marshmallows? In KB? Jt: Just living life on the edge. So I've been processing what you said yesterday and I've decided to do my very best to respect your needs when it comes to our locker. Cheese flavoured corn snack? No? ...And while some would say that clean freaks like yourself are totally annoying, you're my friend and I plan to keep it that way. Now... mmmm... want some? Scene changes back to the party - now outside. Paige is sitting on the porch railing and Dean is leaning against the wall, drink still in his hand. Hazel is standing a few feet away. Dean: The whole squad was great, but you totally stood out. Paige: I did? What are you looking at? Dean: Your eyes. Are they green or blue? Paige: It depends on the light. Dean: Most amazing coloured eyes I've ever seen. They're very beautiful. Paige smiles and blushes a bit. Hazel sees Spinner and Jimmy at the end of the drive way and taps Paige on the arm. She turns and answers angrily. Paige: Yes? Hazel: (She points over to Jimmy & Spinner) Let's just go ok? Paige: No way, I'm THIS close! Dean, um... it's so loud out here, do you think we could go someplace a little more private. (Dean puts down his drink and leads her inside) After you. Inside of the house, Dean is guiding Paige from behind her, hugging her waist Dean: (Whispering in Paige's ear) You are so cute. I think my friend's room should be quiet. Paige nods in agreement and Dean takes her hand and leads her up the stairs. When they get to the room, Paige turns on the lights, but Dean immediately turns them off. Dean: I kinda like it dark. Paige: (Giggling) But I can't see anything. Ow. Dean: There's the bed, there's the door, and here's the party. Paige and Dean stop in front of the window. Paige: Why are we whispering? Dean: Cause my friends are Neanderthals, so we don't want them to hear us. Right? Ok? Paige: Ok. They kiss for a few moments. Dean: You are so adorable. Paige: I am? Dean: Yeah. Come here. Dean lightly tosses her down on the bed. Dean: Is this ok? Paige: (wiggling a bit) No... yea. (Dean starts to kiss her again, now down her neck) Just take it slow ok? (He starts to get rough and lower on her chest) Dean, I said slow! Dean sits up and pulls a condom out of his pocket Paige: What are you doing? I don't think so! Dean shakes his head at her and pushes her back down on the bed with one arm, Music starts to play. Paige: Dean! I said no! (The camera moves to the window, Paige sounds like she is about to cry) Stop. Please. The following Monday at school. Paige is sitting alone on the bleachers before school starts. She is hearing the conversation her and Dean had right before he raped her. The bell rings and she starts walking toward the school. Paige is now at her locker when Hazel comes up and pokes Paige's stomach surprising her. Paige: (letting out a gasp) Hazel! Give me a heart attack why don't you? Hazel: It was a joke. What's wrong with you? Paige: Nothing. Terri runs up excited Terri: Ok, what's the big news?! Does it have to do with...? DEAN!? Paige: Maybe... Hazel: Please, they went up stairs. Terri: Upstairs? Like alone? Hazel: Uh, what do you think Terr? Terri: So you did? Paige: (Smiling) Yea, we did. Jimmy turns around from his locker having heard the whole conversation. The next scene is the 9th graders in M.I. Mr. Simpson: Ok, the vannen-nal project. Now please tell me you remember me assigning this last week. Today we're gunna look at first drafts, text only. Mr. Simpson walks by Paige's desk and sees that she has nothing on her screen. Mr. Simpson: That's a pretty distinct desk save Paige. Text. Sometimes involves the odd word. Paige: I worked all weekend... but since I'm such a dork, I forgot to e-mail it to my school account. (Mr. Simpson seems to not believe her) It was so fascinating. Did you know pharaoh princesses made lipstick out of iron oxide? Mr. Simpson: Hmm, sounds toxic. Paige: Lead eye liner, hello. Mr. Simpson: No wonder they're all dead. Tomorrow ok? (Paige nods her head and Mr. S walks away) Hazel: (Whispering) Someone's in love. Paige: Please, I'm not in love. Or... Dean's not. He hasn't called. Hazel: So, he will. Paige: He would have by now. Hazel: Girl, give him time. Paige: Hazel, you don't understand. He didn't just kiss me, we... Hazel: (Shocked; still whispering) What! Paige? You didn't? You did! You did it with Dean! Hazel has a look of pure amazement on her face while Paige nods and semi-smiles. Mr. Simpson: Paige! Hazel! Your assignments. Paige starts typing at her keyboard and Hazel sits for a moment, still shocked. The scene changes to Toby at his & Jt's locker as Jt is walking up. Toby is cutting a piece of caution type tape that he put in the now clean locker. Jt: What are you doing? Toby: Oh well, you snooze, you loose. What does THIS say to you? Jt: Severe mental illness. Toby: It says boundaries Jt. Boundaries. Jt: Why do you get to decide what MY boundaries are? Toby: Because you have none! (While pointing) My side, your side. From now on, you will follow my rules. It's my way or the highway. Toby takes a folder out from his half of the locker causing the sleeve of his sweatshirt to fall over to Jt's side. Jt looks at it and then takes a pair of scissors from Toby's "utensils" organizer. Jt: (While cutting the sleeve, imitating Toby) My way, or the highway. Jt kicks the piece of the sleeve into the nearby trash can. Scene changes to Spinner & Jimmy who are walking from inside of the school to the picnic table out front. [SCENE_BREAK] Spinner: Ok, so I was thinking Star Wars at the cinnesphere. Ok, Paige is gunna freak. (They sit down and Jimmy has a worried look on his face) What? Star wars is lame? Jimmy: No, it's just... I'd cool it on the Paige fire. She's busy man, I mean she's got media immersion, she's got the spirit squad- Spinner: What are you saying? Jimmy: Nothing, forget. I just heard... stuff. (Spinner motions for Jimmy to go on) She hooked up. Spinner: What are you talking about? Jimmy: That party we went to. She was there. Spinner: No, no, no. Her gramma, her gramma was sick. I got-I got the... I- I didn't see her there. Jimmy: Yea, um that's cause she was upstairs. With Dean. From- from Bardell. Spinner looks away hurt while Jimmy pats him on the shoulder nudging him a bit. The scene changed to Mrs. Kwan's class. Paige and Hazel are talking, Spinner is sitting in the row behind them listening. Mrs. Kwan: Please take out your novels. As you read quietly, I'll take a look at your journals. Hazel: (Whispering) How can you even concentrate? This is VERY big news you know. Paige: It's not news, ok. Hazel: Well, how'd you know it was right? Paige: It's not like I planned it. Mrs. Kwan: Ladies. Hazel: Was it totally romantic? Paige: Can we talk about this later? Please. I'm trying to read. Hazel: Come on Paige, give me something. I'm dying here! Paige: I'll switch seats if you don't SHUT UP. Ok? Paige continues to read, Hazel has a surprised look on her face and then she starts reading too. The camera shows Spinner who is upset because he thinks that Jimmy told him the truth. Scene changes to Paige walking alone in the hallway looking down at the ground. She walks past Spinner without seeing him and he turns around. Spinner: Paige! Paige: (Turning to see Spinner) Oh, hey Spin. Spinner: How's your gramma? Paige: (Turning once more) What? Spinner: You know your grammar. The one that was sick on Saturday night. Paige: Oh, she's ok thanks. Spinner: Yea, and Dean? How's he doing? (Paige stops and turns around) I know what happened, ok. Paige: (Getting upset) Yea, were you in the room with me? Cause I don't think you were! She turns to leave but Spinner grabs her elbow Spinner: You lied to me. Paige: Don't touch me! Don't you EVER touch me! Spinner: (Yelling) Why not? Everybody else does! Paige slaps Spinner and turns straight into the girl's washroom on her right while Spinner looks around shocked. Scene changes to Jt & Toby's locker; Toby opens it and looks around for his sweater sleeve. Toby: (Realizing) Jt! Jt: (Sitting nearby) What? Toby: You ruined my sweatshirt! Jt: It was in MY space! YOU threw my stuff on the floor! Toby: It was discusting! Jt: It wasn't your property! (Jt & Toby start fighting; Mr. Raditch walks up) Mr. Raditch: Uh boys, what seems to be the problem here? In the girls washroom, Paige is crouching in one of the stalls crying when Hazel comes in Hazel: Paige? Paige? I just saw Spinner. He was completely out of line. Paige: It wasn't what I thought, you know. First time... kinda hoped it'd be beautiful or something. I'm so stupid. Hazel: You're not stupid. Paige: (Coming out of the stall) Those shoe's! I wanted it to work! I wanted him to wanna be with me. Hazel: He did. Paige: Yea, sure. Hazel: He'll call you. You don't have to get so upset. Paige: (Almost crying again) I didn't even want to do it Hazel! I said no over and over again! Hazel: (Worried) You said no? (Paige nods and lets out a few tears) And he didn't listen? Paige: (Crying again) He just pushed me down! Harder. He didn't stop! He wouldn't stop! Hazel: Paige... hunny. (She puts her hand on Paige's shoulder but Paige shrugs it off) If you said no... that's rape. Paige: No! (She cries even harder now repeating no a couple of times) Scene changes to Jt & Toby sitting on a bench in the hallway with Mr. Raditch standing in front of them. Mr. Raditch: Now boys, I want you to know that I appreciate what you're doing for Degrassi by volunteering to share, but you two are stuck together. So I want you to remember the 3 c's. What are they again? Jt & Toby: (Bored & unenthusiastic) Cohabitation requires coordinated cooperation. Mr. Raditch: Excellent, very good. So, get along. End of story. (He leaves) Jt: My parent's are gunna kill me for doing this, but... He tucks his arm into his shirt and offers his sleeve to Toby who in return cuts it. The shake hands and then the scene changes to Paige and Hazel outside of the school. Paige is far ahead of Hazel who is trying to catch up. Hazel: Paige! Hey wait up! Paige! Whatever happened to going to the doctor after school? Paige: (Angry) Why would I? Hazel: I don't know, to check on STD's, pregnancy. Paige: He wore a condom. Safe s*x, all the way. I'm fine. Hazel: What Dean did is illegal! You know that right? Paige: (Stopping and turning around) Yea, and what about what I did? Hazel: (Confused) You didn't do anything. Paige: (Yelling) Yea, so I didn't dress like a slut? I didn't drink? I didn't come on to him in front of the WHOLE party? Hazel: Paige... Paige: I guess I didn't ask him to go upstairs either. Hazel: You said no. Paige: It doesn't matter! (She turns and starts walking away again; Hazel follows) Hazel: It does matter! Paige, you have to tell someone! Paige: No I don't! I can deal with it. Hazel: Paige, you were raped! Paige: (Turning around once more) Look, MY business, MY problem! I'm fine! Paige storms off as Hazel stands where she is looking worried.

Paige meets Dean, a star soccer player at rival school Bardell, and the two share an instant attraction. When she blows off Spinner to hang out with Dean, she finds herself in a situation even she can't handle. Meanwhile, J.T. and Toby's failure to keep their shared locker clean strains their friendship.

fd_Bones_04x12

fd_Bones_04x12_0

"Double Trouble in the Panhandle" [SCENE_BREAK] (Opening Scene: Brennan and Booth are walking in an open field, Booth heavily sweating, Brennan checking her GPS) Booth: That must be them, near that big piece of nothing Brennan: According to my GPS it's about where Texas turns into Oklahoma Booth: Oh great. We're in the middle of a jurisdictional pissing contest. (Booth's out of water) I'm out of water, give me yours. (sees sheriff's) Hey! Sheriff 1: Hey (short pause) Are you all FBI? Booth: FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. (points head at Brennan) this here is Doctor Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. Sheriff 2: Welcome to Oklahoma ma'am. Sheriff 1: Welcome to Texas. Booth: Guys? welcome to the United States of America Brennan: Where are the remains please? Sheriff 1: Oh right here. (turns around, and they all walk over to the remains) Brennan: Hardly any flesh left, it's very dry here so I'm guessing the time of death was some months ago. Sheriff 1: How do you think they died? Sheriff 2: They left Oklahoma, hit Texas than died of despair Sheriff 1: No they're definitely Oklahomans, if they're from Texas they had sense enough to carry water Brennan: That wouldn't show up in the bones. (Sheriff nods disappointed) Booth: No clothing.... Brennan: Might have blown away Sheriff 2: Maybe a young couple? some sort of suicide pact? Brennan: Sub-pubic angle suggest two females Sheriff 1: Oh. Lesbian suicide pact. Sheriff 2: Definitely Texans then. Brennan: The victims are Pygopagus, or some would say Illeopagus Booth: What's that? Sheriff 2: Greek? Brennan: Conjoined twins Sheriff 1: What's that? Sheriff 2: Siamese twins Brennan: The point of attachment is posterior Booth: Joined at the ass Sheriff 1: (laughs) Definitely Texans Sheriff 2: So what do we got here doc? Booth: Well...it's a federal case boys, FBI will take jurisdiction (both sheriffs nod disappointed) (Scene fading out) (Cut to the lab, Brennan and Vincent Nigel-Murray are examining the body) Vincent: Conjoined twin births occur one every 85000 births, the same frequency as hermaphroditic births. Cam: Oh Mr. Nigel-Murray, we've so missed your insights. Vincent: Thank you. Cam: Why weren't the remains dispersed by scavengers? Brennan: Well the depression on the earth suggested that they were buried in an extremly shallow grave. The remains were spotted by an oil survey team from a helicopter. Vincent: Begging/Breaking the question what exposed the bones. (Angela enters platform) Angela: Well...there was a sandstorm in that area eight days ago. Sustained winds of sixty miles per hour. Gustav about eighty. Brennan: They're molars have not completely emerged and route development is incomplete. Vincent: Indicating that the victims were between 19 and 21 years of age. Angela: Guys? Hello? Id-ing them is not going to be a problem. How many sets of conjoined twins can there be? Vincent: (thinking) uhm. Over the last fivehundred years approximately sixhundred sets, over seventy percent woman. Cam: I did not expect him to know that. Vincent: Well...all facts are useful, it's just the context that shifts. Angela: I bet I could just go search missing siamese twins and find them in like ten minutes. Cam: By all means, give it a shot. Vincent: the victims had to separate spinal coloms fused distally at the lower sacral level extending to the pelvis, no other vertebral anomalies. Brennan: Neither one of them could have survived the death of the other. Vincent: So murder-suicide, suicide-murder or vice versa. Brennan : That was vice versa. (Nigel looks confused, Hodgins enters the platform) Hodgins: Soil beneath the skeletons was full of weirdness, quite a bit of decomposed cotton. Brennan: We didn't see any fabric. Hodgins: Wow it's decomposed very cheap stuff too, I think they were wrapped in a sheet. Cam: Naked wrapped in a sheet, Sweets will have to say something about that Hodgins: Also I found soil dwelling Mite Genus Arrenurus, the nearest place they could have picked soil mites was hundreds of miles away. And decomposed popcorn. Cam: They were killed at the movies? Hodgins: I have a theory Vincent: The circus Hodgins: (Looking at Vincent) Kind of stole my thunder there. But yeah, yeah the travelling circus. (Angela appears) Angela: I found them Cam: Already? (Angela shows them an animation of the circus, a poster pops up picturing conjoined twins Jenny and Julie van Owen. Angela: Hah! Cam and Angela: The circus Vincent: (smiling) The circus Hodgins: (smiling as well) The circus Vincent: Abacadabra was first uttered to cure hay fever. (They all look impressed) (Cut to: Brennan and Booth in Sweets office) Sweets: Conjoined twins wrapped in a sheet? Booth: According to Hodgins. Sweets: It would help to know how they were wrapped. Brennan: Well...All the evidence has gone with the wind Sweets: No other clothing? Brennan: According to Hodgins Booth: The murderer didn't want anyone to identify them from their clothes Sweets: They're conjoined twins, you might as well bury them with their driver's licences in their hands. Wrapped naked bodies often indicate a careful burial or of course sexual assault Booth: Ok you know? that's uhmm. That's creepy (stands up) We gotta get going there Sweets Sweets: Where? Booth: Texas, that's where the circus is. Sweets: (Standing up as well) Uhhhhh. Circus folk are extremely tight lipped and close nip. They won't tell you anything. Brennan: How do you know? Sweets: I...you know...I've read articles. Booth: you're the worst liar I've ever met. You read articles? Brennan: Even I know he's lying. Sweets: Okay. I'm adopted. You know what? My story isn't important here. Booth: No It's very important, go ahead. Sweets: I...... (sighs) When I reached the age of majority (Brennan sits down again) I tried to find my birth mother, a psychic who worked in the circus and carnaval circuit in Florida. Booth: Bio-mom is/was a carnie Sweets: Let's stay on track. The point is no one would talk to me. Booth: Were you wearing a suit? Sweets: You'll be wearing a suit and they won't open up to you either. I'm just trying to be helpful here. Brennan: I suspect Sweets is right. I studied a carnaval for 6 weeks as research for my cultural anthropology dissertation. No one would tell me anything, even though I became quite adept on the highwire. Booth: Fine if they're gonna talk to their own, we will go undercover. Sweets: What? Brennan: If we're joining the circus we'll need an act, I...I'm quite adept on the highwire. Booth: No you know what? We'll have a knife throwing act. Brennan: I can't throw knives. Booth: I can. I had the best knife-skills in the rangers. Brennan: Are we going to join the circus. Booth: We are gonna join the circus (Theme Song) (Brennan and Booth in a car, Booth's driving) Booth: So we're gonna talk to the twins mother here in Forth Worth and than pick up our mobile home. And we'll join the circus right outside Waco. Brennan: Our mobile home? Booth: Yeah Bones, circus folks crisscross the country in a mobile home. I have the field office here painting up something special for us. Brennan: Is that all you need to get a job at the circus, a mobile home? Booth: You know what? It's gonna help, it's showy, showpeople. Brennan: It's always possible we'll talk to the girls mother and solve this whole case tonight right? Booth: Hope not. Brennan: hah? Booth: huh? (At the mother's home) Mother: I should have never let those girls leave this home, worst thing that can happen to a mother isn't it? Finding out that you outlived your child, unnatural. Brennan: except for societies with high infant mortality rates Booth: My understanding is that you tried to sue the circus several time mrs. Van Owen Dell: It's mrs. Hicks. Mother: Dell Hicks is my husband, and my lawyer. Dell helped me sue the circus for. Dell: Loss of income, alienatien of affection, civil right's abuses, animal abuses, improper hiring, emotional distress, mental anguish. Booth: Any of these go to court? Dell: It's just a matter of time agent Booth. Booth: You really hated that circus. Mother: They stole my daughters. I'll do anything to get back to them for that. Brennan: When did you last see your daughters? Dell: Four months ago. Mother: They told us to but out of their lives. Dell: Jenny did. Mother: If one of the girls wanted something it was the same as both wanting it. Dell: If Jenny wanted something they both wanted it. It didn't matter what Julie wanted. Brennan: I took a look at the remains and I had to wonder if you ever considered having them surgically seperated. Mother: It was to dangerous. Brennan: I disagree Dell: So did Jenny and Dr. Muir. Mother: Well Julie and I thought it was to dangerous. Brennan: Your daughters disagreed on whether or not they should be seperated? (silence) Booth: Is dr. Muir's office here in Forth Worth. (Cut to dr. Muir's office) Dr. Muir: I'm sure you understand that my responses to your questions about the van Owen sisters is somewhat tempered by patients privilege. Booth: They're murder victims, patient privilege no longer applies. Dr. Muir: Oh yes. Of course. I've never had a patient murdered before. Brennan: You thought that the twins could safely be seperated? Dr. Muir: Yes. Brennan: I agree Dr. Muir: As did Jenny but Julie and her mother disagreed, she and her ambulance chaser husband tried to sue me. Booth: So...How did you leave things? Dr. Muir: Well in the end it didn't matter what the rest of us thought, Julie and Jenny were gonna have to come to an agreement. Brennan: I wonder if they thought they could continue to work in the circus if they were seperated. Dr. Muir: Well, they both loved the circus. Jenny told me once they had some ideas on how to expand their act. Booth: Sounds like Jenny was the bossy one and Julie was a little nicer. Dr. Muir: They were like any other sisters, they had distinct personalities and strength (silence) If there's anything I can do to help the FBI Booth: Tell you what? Why don't you send the records to the FBI in washington. Dr. Muir: Why can't you simply take them with you? Booth: We have another appointment. Brennan: Thank you for your cooperation. (Cut to a riding trailer) Brennan (katherine hepburn accent): The FBI did a wonderful job with this trailer. Booth: Ok. Just loose the Katherine Hepburn voice. Brennan:I'm just trying to find my character, you know acting. Booth: Don't it sounds ridicolous, okay Bones? (the trailer stops) Booth: What's my name there Wanda? Brennan: It's written right there on the side of the truck. Which "high wire" is not. Booth: It's just sometimes you get irritated and you say "Booth" without thinking. Brennan: I don't do anything without thinking ever, Buck. (together they walk into the circus tent. Inside the circus folks are practising their acts. Booth and Brennan stand In front of the circus owner Henry Simon) Henry: Buck and Wanda and their knived of death huh? Never heard of you. Booth: Well we worked the pacific north-west; Canada, Alaska. Henry (looking at Brennan): I guess that makes you the beautiful assistant than? Brennan: Yes, Wanda. I'm also quite adept on the high wire. Henry: I got to admit it would be nice to have a knife throwing act around. Booth: well, folks they love a little danger. (flips a knife with his hands) Henry: So what's your thing? Booth: Our thing? Henry: Yeah your gimmick, you know? Cowboy and Indian princess, Pirate and kidnapped princess, Jack the ripper and...princess. Brennan: We're russian Booth: Or they cowboy and Indian princess thing? Henry: No no no, the russian thing sounds good. Booth: It does. Henry: Yeah. Booth: Yeah Ok yeah, we are RUSKA. (holds up knife) Henry: Alright. Why don't you do the first show for free and if I like you than we'll talk famen. (Booth throws 2 knifes and Brennan looked at him impressed) Brennan (impressed) Wow. (Henry looks u) You ain't seen nothing yet. Henry: Lavelle? (booth sighs) You two ain't the first of may are ya? Brennan: No in fact we are not the first of may Booth: we are no first of may, we're no first of may. (Lavelle appears) Henry: This is Lavelle, he's our 24-hour man. Lavelle meet Buck and Wanda Moosejaw, they do a barber act. Lavelle: Moosejaw? What are you Indian? Booth: Canadian Henry: Lavelle'll show you where to park your digs. You can get ready for the show. Lavelle: Any good? Booth: How about that (points at the knives he just threw) Lavelle: Hell, being able to do something well doesn't make you any kind of a showman. Brennan: Oh, we'll show people alright? You will be a mess. (brennan and booth enter their trailer) Booth (annoyed): Russian? You had to pick russian? Brennan: I know Brilliant right? It just popped into my head Booth: You know what? Don't pop things Bones. (booth is trying to call Sweets and he picks up) Sweets! What the hell is a first of may? Sweets: A newbie, a rookie. Brennan: Why would a little person be referred to as a 24-hour man? Sweets: Oh, had a little trouble with the lingo huh? He is the advanced person, he goes to town ahead of the circus and sets everything up. If you like I could e-mail you a lexicon. Brennan: I would certainly appreciate that. Sweets: Sure. Uhm...Can I offer a piece of advice? Booth: Well...That's why we called you Sweets. Sweets: Don't try too hard to be their friends, act like you're more interested in each other than any of them alright? They will come to you. Brennan: Okay. Thanks Sweets. Booth: So uhm, s*x right? (silence) Brennan: Oh, good idea. Booth: Okay. Brennan: What I think we need to do is get a synco-pated rythym going that takes adventage of the natural frequency of the springs. (they use their hands to bounce against the walls of the trailer, resulting in a creaking sound.) Booth: wo wo wo, wait, wo. Are you this spontanious during real s*x? Brennan: yes I am. (they look at each other awkwardly and continue the bouncing.) (Lavelle and Henry standing outside) Lavelle: What do you think? Henry: I hope they're as good outside the trailer as they are in. Lavelle: I give'em good marks for staying power. (Lavelle and Henry are sitting in the tent, going through the paper work) Henry: I don't know Lavelle: I can try (Booth enters the tent) Henry: Getting settled in Moosejaw? Booth: Yup. Nice tent, very... Henry: It's a piece of crap Lavelle: Let's pray there's no wind or rain. Hate for it to collapse on paying customers. Henry: Is there something we can help you with? Booth: Aim me at the Van Owen sisters. Lavelle: The Van Owen sisters? Booth: Yeah. Sisters. Jugglers. Julie and Jenny. Joined at the hip. Literally Lavalle (laughs): Yeah funny. How'd you know them? Booth: We worked a carnie in Alaska together last year. Nice kids. They said they were coming down to work at ..... Henry: I'm afraid you missed them, Julie and Jenny they, they moved on (to Lavelle) when was it Lavelle? Lavelle: uhm after Petersburg weren't it Brennan(calling out): Buck??? Booth: Wanda, Julie and Jenny don't work here anymore. Brennan: Where did they go? Henry: You know what? I think I got a note in here somewhere from when they left (gives Brennan the note) Brennan: "thanks for everything. We loved working here and we live all of you but we've decided to take another direction in our lives. You'll always be family. Love, Julie and Jenny" Booth: That didn't sound like them Henry: It sounds like Julie Booth: Not Jenny. Brennan: well maybe they were forced to leave under duress Lavelle: Listen to the five dollar words the target can use. Booth: She likes to read the dictionary. Lavelle: Tough girl Jenny Henry: The rubes sure love them Brennan: them quitting probably hurt your box office. Henry: Sweetheart, I got nothing but trouble at the box office. Brennan: I'm sure we'll run into the girls somewhere or another. There's not many circuses anymore right? Lavellle: Food's ready to mestant, If you two can drag yourselved out of your trailer, I'll introduce you to the rest of the gang Booth: duressed? You are smart... (sarcastic) Brennan: Just because I'm in a carnaval - Booth: oh forget it, Brennan (continued):doesn't mean I can't read books and have a good vocabulaire (Cut to: The Lab, Cam and Nigel are watching a movie where Jenny and Julie perform their knife juggling act, they look bored) Cam: Is it more impressive that they can do that joined at the hip, or less? Vincent: Twins die an average of ten years apart, even when they're genetically identical Cam: Not helpful Vincent: X-rays from the girls doctor in Dallas. Ok, notice the anti mortem bone lesion in the carpel capitate suggesting a stab wound on the hand. Cam: did you see the video? They were juggling machetes Hodgins: I found particulates of magnesium carbon on both girls. (to vincent) Do you have any fascinating trivia on that subject? Vincent: One mans trivia is another mans wisdom. Hodgins: The choque used in flooring, fire prooving, cosmetics, toothpaste and laxidants. Vincent: obviously we are on the lookout for a clean tooth, eyeshadow wearing, constipated contractor. Hodgins (disbelief): Wow Angela: Hey, Brennan send a photograph of the note the twins left at the circus. Cam: How long will it take you to analyze it? Angela: I found something pretty interesting just by looking at it. (the note appears on the tv screen) (to vincent) you said Jenny was the left-handed twin. Vincent: Yes Angela: Correct. The smudges and the slangs on the letter indicate that the note was written by the left-handed twin Vincent: On a standard keyboard there are over 3000 words that can be touch typed with the left hand alone. Cam: It's not typed, it's handwritten. Angela: How many can be typed with the right hand? Vincent: 450. Thank you ever so much for asking me. Cam: Please don't encourage him. Angela: the point is; Jenny was signed with the right hand while Julie signed the note with the left. (everyone looks quizzical) This note was obviously not written by them, guys. It's fake. (cut to the circus. Brennan and Booth are walking to a table with their food. Booth sees clowns) Booth: ooohhh. Okay. Look at them...clowns. Brennan: The psychiatric term for fear of clowns is coulrophobia. Booth: It's not fear, it's hate. Okay? Big difference. (To Henry who's also sitting at one of the tables) You mind? Henry: Sure have a seat, Buck, Wanda, this is Magnum the strong man and this is Madame Nina (Camera shows to faces) Brennan: Oh. Are those your legal names? Madame Nina: Is Wanda yours? Lavelle: Buck and Wanda, they knew Jenny and Julie. Magnum: I miss those girls. Madame Nina: We all do. Henry: Not the clowns. Booth: Why is that? Madame Nina: The girls were trying a new act. They borrowed some of the clowns' equipment without asking. Henry: You know what? They should have stuck to juggling. Madame Nina: They were just trying to help save the circus. Magnum: but they wanted more time in front of the audience. Madame Nina: Not Julie. She wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend. Booth: Julie had a boyfriend? Brennan: But her sister was literally right beside her all the time. Magnum: People can't help who they fall in love with. Henry: You fall in love with an outsider, that's the end of the circus life. Booth: Who was it? Madame Nina: He was a gillie. Booth(whispering to Brennan): What's a gillie? Brennan (whispering back): A gillie is an outsider. (Cut to Brennan and Booth in their trailer. Talking to the lab through the webcam) Brennan: So one of the girls had a boyfriend. (annoyed) Booth you're sitting in my clothes. Booth: I'm sorry but it's kind of thight in here. Brennan: Which is why you shouldn't throw your underwear on the floor. Booth: it fell. Brennan: Don't blame gravity for a lack of tidiness. Cam: Is there only one bed there? Hodgins: Oh. Can we please hit rewind. One of the girls had a boyfriend? Brennan: Yes. Hodgins: Only one of them? (laughs) I mean. How did they? You know when they're? I just don't see physically how they... Booth: Okay look. That's not the issue. Brennan: Just take that image out of your mind and pretend their seperate individuals and ask yourself if you found anything that suggested a relationship. (Hodgins is looking confused) Booth: Hodgins? Hodgins: huh? Yeah sorry. Still working on the mind picture eradication thing. Brennan: Did you find anything on one of the sisters that you didn't find present on the other. Hodgins: uhh...yeah actually...yeah I did. A residue of polyelectrolyte polymers under the fingernails of Julie and not Jenny. It was polyfenal pyrrolidone. Brennan: What is that? Make-up? Hodgins: It's not make-up it's hairgel. Seems like Julie was running her fingers through someone's hair. Booth: Julie was the one with the boyfriend? Brennan: Can you identify a brand? Hodgins: No. But it would smell a lot like sandalwood. Booth: Oh. Smooth shore power hold. Hodgins: Hmmm yes. That's definitely on the list of possible products, yeah. Booth: Dr. Muir was wearing a ton of hairgel that smelled just like sandelwood (Brennan looks surprised) What? Son of a barber, I know my traditional hairproducts. Brennan: So Julie was having an affair with Dr. Muir? Booth: Tell you what? If we leave now we can question him and be back in a couple of hours. Brennan: No!!! Not in this thing and we have a show, we can't be late. Booth: We're not circus performers okay? We solve murders. Brennan: Yeah, we're undercover murder solvers and if we don't make it back in time we'll blow our cover. Booth: Tell you what? I will search for a faster vehicle. But first I gotta scavenge some russian you know some russian costumes because somebody said we did a russian act. Brennan: It was a great idea. Cam: Dr. Brennan? If you do have to perform any chance you can set up a webcam so we could watch? You know to see if we might be of any help with the case I mean. Brennan: Yeah absolutely. Anything to help. (Cam keeps her hand in front of the webcam and gives Hodgins the thumbs up. He smiles) [SCENE_BREAK] (cut to: Brennan and Booth on a motercycle) Booth: Did you bring our real clothes? Brennan: Yes they're in the bag. Where did you learn to drive this thing? Booth: You're kidding me right? I'm a cop. Brennan: We should really talk about our act. (cut to: Vincent is examining the bones) Vincent: Two complementary fractures on each of the victims craniums. Cam: Like their heads were cracked together? Vincent: Interesting fact. Cam: Yes but is it pertinent? Vincent: Indeed. In the fraternity of forensic anthropologists these are known as "kissing fractures" Cam: So heads knocked together is the cause of death? Vincent: Little known fact; There were actually six men known as the three stooges Cam: So we're going with the three stooges as the cause of death? Vincent: Such would be my inclination. Cam: I'll let you pass that nugget on to dr. Brennan when you tell her about the fractures (Cut to: Brennan and Booth in dr. Muirs office) Dr.Muir: I already send off the girls' medical records. I'm not sure how else I can help you. Brennan: I want to run my fingers through your hair Dr.Muir: Why? Brennan: to prove you were in a sexual relationship with Julie van Owen Dr. Muir: And running your fingers through my hair will prove that? Brennan: yup. Booth: I'll tell you what, look Dr. Brennan up on the internet. She's getting pretty famous for this kind of stuff. Dr. Muir: You're not gonna understand this. Booth: You had a threesome? Dr. Muir: Absolutely not. I dated Jenny first and then I fell in love with Julie, and Jenny didn't really like that. Brennan: That's why he recommended seperating the twins. Dr. Muir: No that's not true. My recommendation was totally objective. Booth: Maybe the mother found out and sued his whole life away? Dr. Muir: which is the only reason we kept the relationship a secret. Brennan: Relationship? Sexual relationship? Booth: How? When you were...I'm trying to understand...when you and Julie... Dr. Muir: The girls had seperate genitalia, a fair amount of privacy could be achieved by an eye mask and an mp3 player turned up really loud. Julie liked the "Kings of Leon", Jenny like "Maroon 5" Brennan: The American medical association is going to take away your license. Booth: that's a motive for murder. Brennan: We should arrest him. Dr.Muir: On what charges? Booth: Definitely positive on the suspicion of murder thing. You know the other thing is just...eh...it's a little confusing. (cut to: Brennan and Booth on the motorcycle. They're on their way back to the circus) Brennan: Can you go faster? We'll miss the show. Booth: No we're great in time Bones. Alright? Relax. (Booth's phone rings) A little help there Bones, Phone's ringing and I'm kind off busy. (Brennan reaches into Booth's pocket) Brennan: Shouldn't we talk about our act? We need costumes Booth: We're not needing the russian costumes, we're dropping the act. Brennan: What? You can throw knives I thougth! Booth: Yeah I know we can but we caught the bad guy. We don't need to go undercover. (Brennan is still reaching for the phone in Booth's pocket) What are you doing? Digging for loose change? Brennan: Oh. Got it. (she flips the phone open) Special Agent Booth's phone, Dr. Temperance Brennan speaking. Dallas field office, it's for you Booth: of course it is, it's my phone. Well...than ask them what they want/ Brennan: What is this about please? They say all of Dr. Muirs alibi's checked out and that they can't hold him for murder. Booth: He didn't kill the twins? Brennan: He couldn't have driven all the way to the Texas/Oklahoma border during that time...Now can we talk about our act? I do know a few words in russian Booth: Oh no. (cut to: The Jeffersonian, inside Angela's office) Angela: Vincent provided me with the approximate forces that would take to the cause kissing fractures to the twins' skulls Vincent: Approximately 300 pounds plus square inch, which is by the way the same as a pitbull bite. Cam: were they attacked by a pitbull? Angela: Not a likely scenario. No. Cam: See how this works Mr. Nigel-Murray. A kind of mental winnow proces. Angela: Ok. Scenario number one; whiplash. Vincent: no. Angela: no? Vincent: There'd be evidence of trauma in the vertabrae as well. Cam: Excellent mental winnow Angela: Okay, scenario number two; a fall. Vincent: No the rest of the skeleton would have shown evidence of a fall. Angela: Alright, scenario number three; resulted seperably by a weapon. Vincent: That's possible. Angela: No actually it's not. Cam: Why not? Angela: Because the wounds are absolutely symmetrical here. (points to computer screen that shows the fractures on both girls' cranium) The possibility of an assailant striking them seperately at the exact angle with the exact same force that ain't gonna happen. Okay...well, the heads could've been conked together. Cam: There'd be evidence on the soft tissue of the face. Angela: No there was no soft tissue left. Vincent: What if the blunt instrument was soft? Angela: Like a pillow? Oh wait a second...Clown props. Cam: I'll call Booth and dr. Brennan. Angela: Nice. Vincent: When Cortez conquerred the Aztecs clowns were among the many treasures he carried back to Clement VII Angela: Thank you. That's......(she sighs) (Cut to: The circus terrain, Booth stands in front of the trailer, he's dressed up. Lavelle approaches him.) Lavelle: You ready? Booth: Yes, ready to throw knives at beautiful woman Lavelle: Not at I hope. Booth: Right. No, of course. Around her. (the trailer opens and Brennan steps outside. She's dressed up as well) Wow Wanda,you...you look..wow. Brennan: You to Boris. Booth: You make beautiful Natasha. Lavelle (laughs): You act like this is the first time you've done this. Booth: Well, we like to keep things fresh. Lavelle: As so I've seen. (he walks away) Brennan: So I stand against a board right with balloons around me and you pop them with your razor sharp knives. Booth: Right, unless we do our actual jobs and find the murder weapon. Brennan: What's with the mustache? Booth: It totally had a nice russian form. Brennan: it looks like a small animal. (cut to: Brennan and Booth going to items that belong to the clowns) Brennan: There's a giant plastic ice-cream cone, a giant plastic shoe, a giant plastic phone, a giant plastic plier. Tumbles: ho ho ho, wanna tell me what you're doing here? Booth: What you're gonna play tough? You're clowns. I throw knives. Clown 2: Let's kick his ass Booth: Bring it on Bozo. Brennan: Oh. We're just looking for a prop, that's all. Buck here is gonna knock this nose of my head with a knife. Tumbles: Why does everyone think the clown stuff is there for everyone. This is our stuff. Clown 2: Let's kick his ass you guys. Brennan: traditionally clowns are fun-loving and anarchistic, you are rigid and humorless. Clown 2: Let's kick both their asses. Booth: You better have your biggest ass kicking shoes on. (henry appears) Henry: Stop. You wanna have a clam, that's your business. But after the show. (They look at each other) Tumbles I'm serious Tumbles: Let's go guys. Booth: not so funny now ain't Tumbles. Henry: That's enough Moosejaw. We're lining up. You two damn well better be ready. Brennan: I'm ready, how about you? Booth: You know ready, (he turns around and accidentally hits brennan with the hammer) Oh god Bones. Brennan: My eye Booth: Are you okay? Brennan: I'm okay. Booth: We can't do the show now. Brennan: What? No! the show must go on Booth: Says who? (Cut to: The circus. The show is about to start Henry: Ladies and Gentleman and children of all ages, welcome to Binghams Circus of Wonders, the most sensational, death-defying one ring spectacular on earth. The performers appear and the crowd is clapping and cheering. The opening act is started. Brennan and Booth walk into the tent as Natasha and Boris. Brennan is waving enthusiatically Brennan: They're clapping for us Boris, smile Boris and wave. Show them your knives. Come on, where's the Buck Moosejaw I married. (Booth finally does as told and he and Brennan are showing the knives) (Cut to: Booth standing near the tent, Brennan appears) Brennan: Hey...hey? I got preps Booth: props for what? Brennan: preps, objects for you to throw knives at. Booth: No, you will stand against the board still. I am going to throw knives around you but not too close. Brennan: That does not sound like a very good act. I'm sure the crowd is expecting a lot more than that Booth: There is no act. There's just me trying not to kill you Brennan: You said you were very good trained in knife throwing skills by the military Booth: I am very good, but it's you I'm concerned for. Brennan: If you say you're skilled than I have no reason to- (Brennan stops because Magnum appears) Magnum: You know it's not good for Barbers to fight before the show, those things are sharp. Booth: Let's just get through this alright? Mrs. Moosejaw Brennan: Okay. Booth: Look at them, Clowns are using these fake barbles. One of them could have knocked the twins and smashed their heads together. Brennan: The bar joining the foam... Booth: they're clowns, they have their ways. (The clown act is over and Lavelle walks over to them) Lavelle: You're up. Henry: And now direct from their triumphant tour of Europe and the Far East. Binghams Circus of Wonders is proud to present the razor sharp skills of the most thrilling, the most breathtaking, the most dangerous knife throwing skills in the world. Boris and Natasha and their Russian Knives of Death. (Cut to: The lab, the squints are following the show on the computer) Angela: What's up with Brennan's eye Hodgins: Eyepatch. It looks very rakish. Cam: plus she only has to be half as scared (Cut to: The circus tent) Booth: Bones just keep your arms outstretched like this okay? Be very, very still. Brennan: Okay. Shouldn't the balloons be closer to my body. Booth: Not if you want to live. Brennan is positioned between the balloons and Booth takes of his coat. The audience is still laughing and cheering. Booth starts to throw the knives and the balloons pop as they are hit by the knives. Everyone in the lab is clapping and cheering. Brennan steps away from the board and Booth enthusiastically uses his voice to produce a hard low sound. Booth: Natasha's balloons are no match for Boris' knives of death. Brennan walks over to him and Booth keeps making the sound and Brennan walks to a bag and takes out a tomato props. She shows it to the people and they all yell. Everyone in the lab looks confused, as does Booth who has no idea what she's doing. Brennan positions herself against the board with the prop tomato on top of her head. Brennan: Boris (says something russian) spill the life of your (says something russian again). Booth looks confused, and makes some sounds. Brennan points at the tomato with one finger. Booth: Definitely. Everyone in the lab looks confused. Hodgins: Are they sure they know what they're doing? Booth hesitates and finally throws the knife. The knife ends up in the tomato. Everybody is clapping and cheering including the lab and Henry. Brennan walks over to Booth and they make a bow together. Brennan: You reall are as good as you said. You should try a blindfold. Booth: Says the half blind woman. Brennan walks back to the bag and takes out a fake clown nose and shows it to the audience. Booth looks surprised. Everyone at the lab looks surprised as well. Brennan wears the fake nose and stands against the board once more. Cam: Is it me or does she seem a little to in to this? Sweets: Well, there is of course a sexual component to an act of this sort, the knife representing th- Cam: We get it Sweets: Dr. Brennan is showing remarkable trust and willingness Booth is nervously pacing around. Man in the audience: Be careful Buck she only got one eye left. People laugh, Booth is waiting to throw the knife, everyone holds their breath. Booth throws the knife...........and it hits the fake nose. Brennan gasps. Everyone is cheering and clapping louder than before. The squints laugh and clap as well. Booth shows his knives to the crowd one last time. Henry: Well how about that? Let's hear it for them folks, Boris the brave and the knee knockingly lovely Natasha. Brennan: Come on Boris. Henry: Let them hear it folks. Brennan and Booth stand behind the curtain. Brennan (enthusiastically): They loved us! You were great. Superb hand eye coordination, Buckie. Booth: I could have killed you. Brennan: Therein lies the excitement for the spectators They look through the curtain and they see magnum. Henry(announcing): -Superstrong mighty magnum! Booth: My god. Brennan: What? Booth: Magnum, look. They both look. An acrobat is launched by Mangnum, he lands on top of the other acrobat. Brennan: He definitely has the upped body strength to swing the foam barbell hard enough to cause those fractures. Henry(talking to the audience) check out those arms of steel. Brennan and Booth walk out of the tent. They see Magnum sitting at a table. Booth: Hey there, big guy. You got a minute? Magnum: For what? Booth: I want to ask you a question about my friends, Julie and Jenny. Magnum: Look, this is getting old. I told you they were here, they left that's all I know. Check with some other circuses maybe. Brennan: They're dead, but you knew that didn't you? Magnum: Dead? What are you talking about? Booth: Their heads were smashed together. Weren't they Magnum. He runs away, booth follows him. He pushes against a big pole, it goes down and a net lands on top of Booth and Brennan. Booth: Jeez. That guy is strong. Brennan: He is called a strongman Booth: Can you help me get out of it? Brennan: I'm trying to get out. Booth and Brennan are inside their trailer, Booth is on the phone. Brennan is talking to Cam and Vincent on the webcam. Booth (into his phone) Look I wanna put a BOLO on this guy right away. Magnum the Strongman, real name; Norman van Clock. Of course he's big, he's a strongman. Look...he's wearing a tank top that says Magnum it shouldn't be too hard. Brennan(to Booth): Mr. Nigel-Murray found some additional bone anomalies. (To vincent) Can you explain? Vincent: Anomalies from the greek anomalias- Cam: I think we could move this along a bit faster Mr. Nigel-Murray. Vincent: I found slight longitude north fractions on the distal end of all four lower leg Bones, and stress fractures on the cuboids. Brennan: Fractures to the lower leg and feet. Booth: Does this guy torture them first? You know rubber hose to the feet. Vincent: That wouldn't have been consistent with the injuries, which are isolated to those specific areas. Brennan: Can you send me the X-rays? Vincent: The X-rays- Cam: They're on their way. Vincent: I was more than capable telling her that. Cam: I was afraid you'd start talking about Wilhelm Conrad Rontgen, and the discovery of the X-ray. Vincent: November the 8th 1895 an image of his wife's hand Cam: I rest my case. By the way we all loved your show. Brennan: oh thank you! Did you hear the cheering? Booth: Yeah, that was all for me. Cam: Booth was undeniably good. Brennan: However he's not as imaginative as far as the act goes. Booth: Look. There's a difference between imagination and tempting faith. Brennan: I'm just asking for a little flair. Booth: Flair? You want flair? Cam: Can I ask about the eye? Booth: No (he flips the laptop shut) Brennan: I was thinking I could wear a head of fruit, and than you could slice to each fruit while- Booth: Bones, it's over. No more undercover. The act...it's over. (after a silence) We have to go question the other performers. Brennan: Right... (Cut to: Brennan and Booth inside the circus tent, Henry and Lavelle walk up to them) Henry: Hey, you two wanna explain what happened to Magnum? Brennan: He trapped us in the net. Lavelle: For no reason? Booth: We asked him about the twins Henry: Asked what? Brennan: If he knew anything about how they died (everyone steps closer including the clowns) Tumbles: You want us to take care of this. Henry: Settle. Who are you people. Booth (flashing his badge): FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth Brennan: And dr. Temperance Brennan of the Jeffersonian institution. Booth: Okay euhhh...The van Owen twins were murdered. Our prime suspect right now is Magnum. Brennan: He had the reckons at strength. (the circus people walk away from them) Lavelle: Magnum never killed anyone Booth: People can you please come back now. (to Henry) Can you tell them to get back? Henry: None of us are gonna help you. Brennan: Don't you care what happened to the twins. Henry: you aren't one of us. Lavelle: You don't get it do you? How could you you're gillies Brennan: No we're not gillies, our act was good. Lavelle: Yeah. You're gillies. Booth: Right. Brennan: We have no case. Booth: Yeah we will when we bring Magnum in. Brennan: We have no definitive forensics tying him or anyone else to the murder. Booth: Yeah you will. When you get back to the lab you'll find evidence, the boniest maximus will have his initials on it or something. (Brennan looks up) Brennan: I really was pretty good on the high wire. (Booth looks up) I'm gonna try it. Booth: Up there? Now? Wait a second Bones, you'll fall, it's too high. Brennan: There's a net Booth: you got now depth perception, you got a patch on your eye. You won't be able to see. Brennan: No, it's more a case of feel Booth. I can do it with my eyes shut. Booth: You shut your eyes and I will shut mine because I'm not watching. (Brennan climbs up the ladder to the high wire) Brennan: My teacher said I was one of his best students. Booth: This is crazy. (Brennan steps onto the highwire with a pole in both her hands and walks slowly) Brennan: Booth...Look! Booth: I told you I'm not gonna look. I'm keeping my eyes shut, this is absolutely...(he opens his eyes) Oh my god. Bones! You're a fearless. Brennan: My feet. I'm not in shape for this. Booth: Look at you, you're doing great! You think maybe you could ride a bike on that thing and maybe spin a ball on your nose at the same time? Brennan: Aoww, my cuboids Booth: What? Brennan: The cuboids are the bones in my feet. Booth: Bones are you alright? (she's losing her balance) Bones? Brennan: Yeah Im fine. (she falls down and ends up in the net. Booth: Bones are you alright? Brennan: Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. (she stands up) I know what happened Booth: That's pretty obvious; you lost your balance. Brennan: No, to the twins. They weren't murdered, the stress fractures to their fibulas and cuboids they were caused by walking on the high wire. And, and the kissing fracture, their heads snapped together when they fell into the net. That's why there was no other trauma. Booth: Oooh. A conjoined twin high wire act. Brennan: Henry said that Jenny wanted to be famous. They're act would have been completely unique. (Cut to: Brennan and Booth walking on the circus terrain) Brennan: I thought so first Booth: Yeah. They covered up an accident by making it look like a murder. Magnum: I didn't kill them. I didn't kill them. I loved them, I would never hurt do. Brennan: We know Magnum: I buried them, they needed a proper burial. Madame Nina: Don't say anything Magnum. Brennan: You asked them not to go on the high wire but that's exactly what they wanted to do. Booth: It's probably the only thing Julie and Jenny ever agreed on. Brennan: when they dropped to the net, the force of their fall snapped their heads together. Booth: Yeah an accident like that their mother would definitely have sued. The circus wouldn never have survived... You know I'm gonna have to arrest you for interference with a dead body. Brennan: We're sorry. Are we? Booth: Yeah, sorry. Brennan: We're going to get you a good lawyer, Cause I don't wanna sue the circus down because of me. Magnum: Just don't bring them into this. Booth: Which you're gonna have to explain is why you wrapped them in a sheet, because that's something a woman would do out of respect. Brennan: You'll also have to explain how you forged their handwriting on a note. Magnum: Yeah, I will. Thanks. Booth: Well, I'll just call the Dallas field office and have'em pick him up. Brennan: You think he'll run again? Booth: No. He won't run. (Cut to: The trailer stands all alone on the terrain, Booth steps out and picks up a paper, Brennan steps outside with coffee) Brennan: They're gone. Booth: Yeah. Brennan: We slept through it? Booth: Yeah. Look at that (he looks at the paper and reads) Boris and Natasha and their russian knives of death. Guess we all got it in us, because I would have run off and joined the circus. Brennan (looking at paper): We did it. Booth: Buck and Wanda were damn good. Brennan: Buck was more dashing than you. I mean Buck, drove a motorcycle Booth: Well Wanda was funner than you. Brennan: How? Booth: Well she let me knock off a rubber nose from her face with a knife. You would never let me do that, you are way to rational. Brennan: Where do you think they are now? Booth: Over the horizon.

The team investigates the death of female conjoined twins who were in the process of deciding to get separated or not. The twins were working in a circus, which means that Booth will come face to face with a clown during the investigation. Brennan and Booth go undercover as Wanda and Buck Moosejaw, Canadian performers in a knife-throwing act. Sweets helps Brennan and Booth understand Circus lingo.

fd_All_American_02x03

fd_All_American_02x03_0

[PREVIOUSLY_ON] BILLY: I hope y'all got losing out your systems. Coming from the coach who walked out on us. KID: Hey, Snitch. I knew some people would have a beef with you helping the cops take down Tyrone, but come on. - SPENCER: Who's this? - GRACE: This is Micah. MICAH: I'm a teaching assistant. Your mom is one of our best students. You date all your students? COREY: I've asked Spencer to come play - for me at south Crenshaw. - GRACE: You what? This new kid Coach Corey brought in from Nevada ain't no joke. Maybe Chris ain't the only one about to be replaced. COREY: You my son. That ain't changed. I always wondered why you never came home. Now I know. SPENCER, VOICE-OVER: I always wondered why you never came home, why you ain't missed your family. Now I know. - You didn't miss us - BILLY: Spence. SPENCER, VOICE-OVER: 'Cause you replaced us. BILLY: Earth to Spencer. Come on, now. You with us? - SPENCER: Yes, Sir. - BILLY: All right. Check this out, y'all. As far as I'm concerned, whatever happened the other day in that 7-on-7 opener never happened. All right, forget about that. Flush it. Matter of fact, flush the memory of y'all being State Champions because today we start over. Today we start anew. Today we have a clean slate. COREY: No clean slate! I don't want you to ever forget the way you felt the day you lost that state title, watching Beverly celebrate on your field! Now you take all those moments and let that be the fuel to steer you back to reclaiming that state title! - ASHER: Coach. - BILLY: Sure? What about captains? It's always been tradition to name them before Spring League. Not this year. Not until I see a few of y'all step up and hold your teammates accountable for missing practices. Now bring it in so we can get back to work. New chant on 3. [SCENE_BREAK] - COREY: Never lose, never again! - TEAM: Never lose, never again! - COREY: From here on out! - TEAM: From here on out! - COREY: Let's get that win! - TEAM: Let's get that win! - [REPEATING.] COREY: Whose house? - TEAM: South Crenshaw! - COREY: Let's go, baby. - [TEAM CHEERS.] BILLY: Faster. Faster. COREY: Come on now! Bring it to me. Go! Go now. Good work. BILLY: That's bad. Faster, faster. - COREY: Come on now. - BILLY: Get it, get it, get it. - Faster! - COREY: Come on now. Slow and steady gets you ready! JORDAN: Damn it. BEAU YOUNG PRINCE: Two chains on my neck One for now and one for later If we don't play fair, baby, we play for keeps How you pass me up? This is not a bye week I'm looking for a trophy, competition Looking steep, yeah, I'm training I been focused MAN: That was a great catch, Spence! That was good. Pull the chain, try to get 'em out the way Pull the chain, I'm about to win the game - BILLY: Oh, that's on you, Ash. - Come on now. championships, all my records go That ball was low, Coach. Come on, man. You know the rules. If the ball touches your hands, you can make the catch. DARNELL: Hike! anybody, take 'em, I can shake 'em I invite 'em to the fire Then I bake 'em, I'ma break 'em I'm a hall of fame legend They should go and hang my Jersey Ha ha! Yeah! That's all I need to see from y'all today! Ha ha! Great work, gents! DARNELL: You know, actually, Coach, if you're cool with it, me and a couple of receivers, we're gonna hang back, put in some extra work, get our timing down, footwork. Move the chains, I'm about to win the game Move the chains, baby, tryin' to move the chains - Yeah - [ECHOES.] [PLAYER GRUNTS, WHISTLE BLOWS.] Run that back, baby boy. That's the last play. Offense needs to finish strong. I threw 4 touchdowns today. That's pretty strong in my book, all right? Plus, my team is wiped. I say we call it for the day. All right. [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.] BILLY: Good job, y'all. Wrap it up. Good job. What? Coach. ROCHELLE: Number 11, got some time to talk? Hey, what up, Rochelle? This is my dad, Cliff Mosely Lead booster and lead member of your ever-expanding fan club. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. Mosely Capital, right? Oh, so you're familiar with my work. My mom's taking a course on Urban Planning. She listens to all your podcasts. "Find out where people are going and buy the land before they get there" One of her favorite quotes. Yeah, mine, too. Nice job out there today, Spencer. - SPENCER: Thank you. - CLIFF: We got to get that dinner on the books one of these nights. CLIFF: Um, excuse me. Yes, Sir. As if my dad could not be more impressed. All he talks about is how you singlehandedly changed the culture at Beverly. No. We all did. Just a small part of the wave. Sure about that? 'Cause after what I just saw today at practice, Beverly should be thanking their lucky stars you're not at South Crenshaw anymore. [KNOCKS ON DOOR.] Coach Baker. Cliff. My man. What's happening? Ooh. Spencer James. Whoo! He's better than advertised. I hate that I was away on business most of the season. Watching a streamed feed of the game does his talent no justice. Yeah. Every day, I'm amazed. So, uh, how long are you here for this time? A while. You know, it gives me a chance to get more involved in our football program. - BILLY: Oh, OK. - CLIFF: I'm still in the shadows, for the most part, but I think it's time that I was seen as something more than just a checkbook. - BILLY: OK. - CLIFF: Hey, uh, you excited about 7-on-7? Yeah, man, yeah. I am. We need a little bit more work, but I think our boys are gonna be OK. There's nothing to worry about. Offense will be fine, running on all cylinders as soon as Jordan knocks off the rust. Sure, yeah, and, uh, as soon as he gets the extra help he needs from those other receivers. Well, it's a good thing you got a few weeks till the next game. - BILLY: Yes. - CLIFF: More than enough time to get things cleaned up with those receivers. Yup. You know, we'll be in touch. OK. Good to see you, man. - CLIFF: All right, you, too. - BILLY: Good to see you. Ha ha! Coach Baker! OLIVIA: Wait, Jordan ended practice? Yep. The vibe between him and your pops on that field right now is bananas. Obviously, coach Baker going easy on him out of guilt. And Jordan's testing the boundaries, seeing how much he can get away with. Surprise, surprise. The more he allows Jordan to question his authority, the more everybody else gonna do the same. And once that happens, it's over. Our team is as good as done. Great. Yet another reason pushing you towards choosing South Crenshaw. I ain't exactly feelin' them, either. Oh, yeah, 'cause of Darnell. Are you ready to talk to your dad yet? And say what? [SIGHS.] I'm sorry. I just I know the whole Darnell thing sucks. Look, 7 years raising another man's child is a long time. [CELL PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES.] - OLIVIA: What is it? - SPENCER: It's Chris. His doctor cleared him to run again. Barring any setbacks, he should be good for the season opener this fall. I mean, that's amazing. Good for him. And before you say anything, him breaking up with you had nothing to do with his progress, a'ight? Wait. But with Darnell on the team, will Chris even have a QB1 spot to go back to? Let me worry about that. DISTANT BOY: Hey, yo! [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.] Guess who I just exchanged numbers with. Who? Mrs. Janelle Cooper. - COOP: Moms hit you up? - PATIENCE: Yup. - COOP: Wow. - PATIENCE: I know. Got through to your mom, so At least she's trying. Good to see one of us still making friends. Ever since that whole snitch thi My circle done got smaller and smaller. Who cares? You got me, you got Spence, your parents. I think that's a pretty good circle. - Mmm. - [KISS.] OK? Mm-hmm. BOY, RAPPING: He got on his "I do all my homework, too"s You really askin' for it, I got to lyrically injure you Why you still wearin' this book bag from middle school I'm a prince, but my rain ain't purple Yo, since when did Erik weak ass start bullying cats? I ain't been M. I. A. From school that long. All you're really missin' is a flag with a rainbow Why you quiet? You ain't makin' no noise COOP: Naw, this is nonsense. I got to dead this. ERIK: I guess that mean I'm right, he really do like boys COOP: Hey, yo, man, what the hell is your problem? Oh, so now the snitch want to take up for all the fools. - BOY: Ha ha! - ERIK: Man, whatever. Miss me with that. The only thing funny is them wack-ass bars you spittin'. Bitch, what you say? [SCOFFS.] "Bitch"? Hey, listen, first of all, tell your barber to go back to school. [RAPPING.] That fade wack, you push back And stepped on like them damn shoes Pick on somebody your own size, your own kind Broke, ugly, with a "I just need some bread" sign You're not tough, you can stop it 'fore I run all in your pockets Make you really show me gangsta, Do it right here while they watchin' - BOY: What? - COOP: Yeah, I thought so, boy. Now go to class, go and learn somethin', boy And watch your mouth 'cause you ain't grown, li'l boy Now run and tell 'em Coop did it. Who are you kiddin'? You know I do this for a livin' - [STUDENTS MURMURING.] - PATIENCE: Damn. I'm sorry, but you You just got cooped. [LAUGHTER AND CHATTER.] STUDENTS, CHANTING: Cooped! You got cooped! You got cooped! You got cooped PATIENCE: You see this? [TRUNK LID SLAMS SHUT.] You still here. 7 days of silence. Now you want to talk? What, I can't get a few days to myself, some time to process the real reason you abandoned your family after 8 years? One thing I can count on is you will always speak your mind, son. Hey, whatever, man. You still want me to come play for you at South Crenshaw or what? Of course I do, but more importantly, I want to make things right between me and you. I can give you both, under one condition. Send Darnell back to Nevada. Wait a minute, son. Are you giving me an ultimatum? Ever since you got back, all you've done is given me ultimatums, so yeah. Either me or Darnell. So how was practice with dad? Great. You know, just calling more audibles, being more vocal, you know, basic stuff. Emotionally shaking dad down? Admit it. You are preying on his guilt, using your powers for evil. What? LAURA: Hey, Liv, I have something I think would be really good for you. In fact, it has you written all over it. - OLIVIA: "Sola Muse"? - LAURA: Yeah, they help you develop your leadership skills and they do philanthropic work in the community, and it would look really good on your college applications. OK. And the best part is there is a cotillion at the end of the year to celebrate your efforts. JORDAN, CHUCKLING: Wait, wait, wait. Oh, wait. Olivia at a cotillion? You mean, like debutantes and gowns and the little white gloves? Oh, man! This is gonna be too good, Liv. [CHUCKLES.] Yeah, I don't I don't know, mom. I'm still not seeing the part that has me written all over it. Come on. Community outreach, a strong desire to help others in need? That is so you. Come on, honey, just give it a shot, and if you don't like it, you can at least say you tried. [DOOR OPENS.] GRACE: Micah? I thought that was you. Hey. [CLOSES DOOR.] Hey. I I haven't seen you around since winter break. I'm no longer doing the teaching assistant thing. - GRACE: Good for you. - MICAH: You know, I tried calling and texting, I mean, a few times, but I never heard back. Sorry about that. My life got a little complicated. You know, you could have just told me that instead of ghosting me, right? - GRACE: Yeah. - MICAH: So, OK, look, um, I'm glad to see you're doing well. Take care. [SIGHS.] CHIEF WAKIL: What you know about this good life? If it ain't this, it don't look right Oh. Oh, we're doing it like that. OK. - LAYLA: Mm-hmm. - SPENCER: Let me see. I hear what sounds like earrings bouncing off your sunglasses, so this must be my new bae. H. E. R. ? Uh, flattering, but no. OK. All right. Check this out. I smell flowers. Peonies? Wait. You know what peonies smell like? Hey, low key, boy knows his way around a garden. All right, I took horticulture last semester. It was the only elective. [GIGGLES.] - LAYLA: What? - SPENCER: Nothing. You've just been kind of distant the last few days. I figured you were still mad over all the questions about your pops. No, we're good. OK, so when'd you buy the new perfume? Uh, not me. My dad. The perfume, the earrings, got a new wallet full of cash. All very expensive bribes. OK. Those bracelets a bribe, too? Uh, no, I just Something I got for myself. What's the point of having cash if you can't spend it, right? Damn. It's like that, Kylie Jenner? Heh! Look, if there's one thing I learned from quitting Stu-Co - SPENCER: Mm-hmm? - LAYLA: It's, like, you got to live, Spencer, you got to be selfish, you got to do what makes you happy, like you thinking about getting rid of Darnell. [CHUCKLES.] Speaking of things that make us happy KALI UCHIS: Dimelo, dimelo, dimelo [GIGGLES.] All I hear is sirens Wait, wait. Class about to start. - Would you be a tyrant? - [LAYLA GIGGLING.] - If I gave you power - SPENCER: Layla, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we've got to slow down. I missed you. Baby, I missed you, too, I missed you, too, but we ain't got time for this. Of course we do. Your lovin' is like a kaleidoscope [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.] Oops. Guess we don't. - SPENCER: Oh, sh - [LAYLA GIGGLING.] Round and round and round and round and Ooh I'm going round and around and around, going down, down Oh, dude, they're having a day party at Max's on Monday. Starts around 4:00. OK, yeah. We're there. ASHER: Not to be that guy again, but we'll still be at practice. Yeah, OK, and I'll just call it early again. ROCHELLE: You sure calling practice again early is a good idea, Jordan? - Question. - JORDAN: Hmm? ROCHELLE: What happened to the Jordan Baker who threw for 292 yards and 3 touchdowns at State Championship? What, is he still too busy chasing thot pockets from winter break? Yeah, word gets around fast. Look, what does it matter to you, Rochelle, all right? Shouldn't you be focused on your intern job at that agency? Look, I'm still Beverly for life, and more importantly, I have pride. Maybe you guys should play with that a little more. Bye. She's not wrong. Oh, god. You, too? I figured, with your dad being back, you'd be more committed to the team. Honestly, you've become kind of a distraction, man. JORDAN: You're calling me a distraction after everything you put our team through last season, really? - JJ: Hey, Jordan, come on. Easy. - ASHER: No, he's right, and I have to live with those mistakes every damn day, but that was then, OK? Right now, I'm working like crazy to be the best teammate and leader that I can be. That's why I'm on the field every day after practice, grinding. Same way you and I used to get after it when we were freshmen. No one's gonna be able to question my dedication. Will they be able to say the same about you? COOP: That fade wack, you push back And stepped on like them damn shoes Pick on somebody your own kind, your own size Broke, ugly, with a "I just need some bread" sign - COOP: Mmm! Mmm! - SPENCER: Whoo! Ha ha ha! Kid, your girl's a viral legend. I don't know if 200 likes qualifies as a viral legend. COOP: Man, whatever. I take this kind of love - over being called a snitch any day. - SPENCE: Fact. You tell Spence that you're doing "off the dome"? You're joining the Freestyle Battle here Saturday night? Yes, Sir. Hey, the grand prize is $500, bro. That could go a long way towards studio time. - SPENCER: You sure? - COOP: Definitely. I mean, checking some bully in school is one thing, but going up against some legitimate rappers who've been battling for a minute now, that's completely different. Yo, I'll be good. It's legit, like amateur night. OK, I might as well go in there, shoot my shot, and see what happens. OK, uh, you guys want some refills? - COOP: Please. Thank you, baby. - SPENCER: I'm good. [MUSIC PLAYING.] Here I go, here I go, here I go - SPENCER: What? - COOP: What? Your leg been shaking since we got here, and you only do that when you got to tell me something, but you don't know how to say it, so what's up? Look, I told my pops that if he wants me to come play for him at South Crenshaw, he got to send Darnell's ass back to Nevada. Hold up. You did what? Chris is gonna be back soon, a'ight? He's the QB1, not Darnell. How will I look, not having Chris' back after everything I put him through? Man, shut up. This is not about Chris. This is about you making your daddy choose between his two sons. SPENCER: Darnell is not his son. COOP: And you're not Billy Baker's son, but you still consider him family, don't you? What did miss grace say about all this, or did you not tell her? Of course you didn't 'cause you and I both know that whole ultimatum junk was some straight-up nonsense. Look, bro, that's not you. I don't care how mad you are. That's not you. I'm tired of being a runner-up in my father's life, Coop. I get it, I do, but let me ask you something. Say your dad does choose you. What's waiting back home for Darnell? How do we know it ain't some old crazy situation? [KNOCK ON DOOR.] [SCOFFS.] My pops home? Nah, he stepped out for a little, but you can wait in here if you want. No, I'm good. You leaving? Yeah, well, look, man, the only reason why I came out here was to play ball for Corey. The last thing I wanted to do was drive y'all apart. Catching the bus back to Nevada tomorrow. What? You ain't got nothing to say? I mean, 'cause this is what you wanted, right? Hey, you remember that receiver from Porter Ranch who shredded us for 3 touchdowns last season? - BILLY: Uh, Tony Wright? - CLIFF: Yeah. A. D. Hart just put in a request for his transfer. Hey, hold up. [GRUNTS.] My athletic director put in a request? At my strong suggestion, yeah. Wright will be here on Monday. And nobody thought to check with me about this? We thought you'd be ecstatic; you were the one throwing every receiver not named Spencer James under the bus the other day. No, that was me commenting on practice. Look, look, this is my team. You know, if there's a leak in the ship, then I'ma be the one to patch it up. Look, here's the hard reality, Billy. Coaches come and go, OK? This isn't your team. This is Beverly's team, which effectively makes it my team, given my position as lead booster. Now I warned you, more than a checkbook, remember? Uh, do you stab all your friends in the back like this? Because you were on the Hiring Committee. You picked me to lead this team, so when When did I lose your confidence? You haven't, and as long as you're OK with this budding partnership, you're still in good standing. Monday. CLIFF: It's gonna be a really good day on Monday. [VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS.] I thought you said you needed to talk. - SPENCER: Hey, my bad, man. - JORDAN: Yo, for what? For turning your world upside down when I moved here. I don't think I ever really apologized for that. What? Who cares? That was months ago. I mean, yeah, we had some drama in the beginning, but we found a way past it. Look, you're You're family now, Spence. How exactly did you get past it? Dude, seriously? Why you all up in your feelings right now? We're in the middle of Jordan. My My bad. OK. Um, look, I guess I just got to know you for who you really are, you know, and eventually it clicked that my beef was never really with you. It was about me and my dad and our issues. Well, plus Heh! Every single time Ash and I tried to blow up your spot and get you sent back to Crenshaw, it just kept biting us in the ass. Yeah. Yeah, y'all really got me drunk before I had to show off for those boosters. We did, didn't we? Yeah. Y'all crazy, man. Fun times. Hey, what You out of here already? Yeah, man. I'll be back. I got to handle something that ain't sittin' right. OK. Hey, real quick, do you think I'm being a distraction to the team? 100%, but I get it. You and Coach still working through your issues. No different than me and my pops. [SNIFFS.] It's kind of cute in here. OK. We're off to a decent start. Nice. OK. I take that back. They are all dressed in white. What in "The Stepford Wives" is going on? Please give me a reason to back out. I will swing by and help you with something, anything. Nice try. Now's not really a good time. I've actually got some errands to run. Well, if you don't hear from me in a few hours, send a search party. We just go right in there. Oh. Sorry. - Hey. - Oh. You out already? Yeah. Wait. I know you. You're Spencer's ex. I would love to be known as something other than that. I'm sorry. Um, Olivia. We met at the park cleanup. Yeah, I remember. You going in? Uh, not anymore. Kind of not dressed for the occasion. That's what I get for not reading the brochure. Not having dressed appropriately these women can forgive. Standing them up? Not so much. Come on. You'll be fine. Full disclosure: I'm only doing this for my mom. I get the sense that this is her way of proving she can raise me anchored to my black culture without my dad around. OK. Mrs. Baker. I hear that. Me, on the other hand, I had no choice. I'm third generation. Both my mom and granny were Cotillionaires. Our family's big on tradition. That's awesome. Good evening, Cotillionaires. Welcome to Sola Muse. Just stopping by to give you your questionnaire packets. So feel free to fill it out here or when you get home. Thank you. Thanks. First question up, who are you? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I answered this short essay question in third grade. Ha ha! And what do you see as your contribution to the world? That's easy. Progress for our people. [DOGS BARKING.] - Darnell just left? - Yup. Insisted on getting hisself to the bus station. For the record, I didn't choose between either of you. It was Darnell's decision to go back home. Why? Seeing the strain him being here was causing our relationship, he felt he should leave. I couldn't talk him out of it. So he just back with his mom? You really care? Yeah, actually, I do. His mother, Renee, she doing a tour overseas. Good woman. Means well. But she just loves being a soldier more than she loves being a mother Her words. So Darnell goes back home to his mother's house alone. Getting by the best way he knows how. I'm sorry, Dad. I was hurt, and I was angry, and It was just easier to blame Darnell. I know, son. I had a feeling you'd come here first. I did the same thing the night before I enrolled at Beverly. At least you got a chance to play. I was just getting warmed up. Hey, look, bro, I wasn't trying to mess up y'all's life. You got to understand that. Your pops, man. He changed the game for me. Not having a father around for the first 9 years of my life forced me to grow up. It wasn't until I met Corey that I learned how to be a son for the first time. He gave me someone I could count on. Kind of like my coach at Beverly did for me. Look, man, your home is clearly with Corey, which makes Crenshaw your home now, too. You should stay. Heh. Now, you You sure? My beef ain't with you. RAPPER: Money, money, money on the floor On the floor Baby, can I tell you something? You's a pro I'ma, I'ma throw it up and let it float Let it float I'ma, i'ma throw it up and let it float Hey, Preach, what's up? I didn't know you did security here. Why would you? Forget it. [SCENE_BREAK] Look, it's a legit job. Keeps my parole officer off my ass, not that that's any of your business. Hey, we should probably get one of those tables because you're, like, the first one hitting the stage. - COOP: Yeah. - PREACH: Ha ha! You battling tonight? Since when did you become a rapper? Why you laughing? Music's always been my thing, bro. You don't believe me? Look up "You got Coop'd. " I went viral. Yeah, whatever. The girl's good, so M. C. : Yo, yo, yo. What's good, L. A. ? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.] I'm your host for the most lit freestyle battle in the city, and we about to go up tonight. All right. Look, first rule of off the Dome Saturday There are no rules. Everybody's fair game. Talking mamas, grandmamas, even baby mamas. [LAUGHTER.] Look, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna line up two rappers at a time. Each rapper gets 20 seconds to spit they bars, and when they done, y'all decide the winner by cheering loud as hell. You feel me? - [CHEERING.] - Let's hit it. First two rappers up is Coop and Professor Koo Koo! All right, Coop. Go, go, go, go, go! - Here you go. - Whoo! - PATIENCE: All right, Coop. - SPENCER: Go, Coop. COOP: DJ, let's get it. [MUSIC STARTS.] Yo. Yo, you tried to take it, no, you didn't do it And word around town, the kook already blew it Koo Koo washed up, I'm saying your time's up I'm sayin' the best stuff, I'm making my mind up I went and got me a pen, i put it over on the pad If I don't promise you nothing I promise I'm uppin' my bet, so takin' my spot? No, you will not deny, go, like pressure busts pipes For certain, I'm gonna blow now Jugs machine? Really? It's reliable. It doesn't make excuses. It's always willing to work. What's not to love? Yeah. But I mean, there's nothing about it that really says "jugs," you know? [LAUGHTER.] Yo, let me see that rock. It's time to work. Set. Go! JORDAN: Whoo-hoo! Ha ha! Just like old times, baby! RAPPER: Yo, yeah The look on your face is a scared one 'cause I'm on that ass, i ain't lettin' up It's feeling like somebody set you up Just tap out when you think you've had enough Look, I ain't come here to make friends So we do not have to pretend I know all you all will remem-ber The day Kim nitty went in [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.] M. C. : Yeah, yeah, yeah. You all know the deal. Whose bars was you feeling the most? Kim Nitty? [CHEERING.] Or the winner of the first two rounds, Coop? [LOUDER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.] Coop again. Hey, big ups to you for making it to the final round. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.] [CHANTS OF "COOP".] - LAYLA: Whoo! - SPENCER: Keep it going. Do you hear that? They're loving you! Yo, I got to be honest, I did not think it would be that easy. It ain't nobody here on my level. Nope. We not doing that. You got a whole nother round to go. Yeah, I'm with Spence. Secure that bag. Listen, I'm just saying, the better the competition, the more that money feels earned. I'm trying to get my name out there, ok? Don't nobody want to hear about no girl that won first prize at a weak-ass rap battle. - SPENCER: Will you chill? - LAYLA: Here. - COOP: I'm chilling. - SPENCER: What are you doing? I'm adding to the Grand Prize. Maybe someone here can actually give the Coop the competition she needs. It's not that deep, all right? Put your money away. Ok. Easy there. It's my money. I'll do what I want. How much do you want me to add? [SCENE_BREAK] LAYLA: Ok. 1,500 for an even 2,000. - You serious? - Yeah. Two stacks for the Grand Prize? You can't walk up there with all that money. You don't know who's watching. Ok. Um, you're right. Money's not enough of a sweetener. Oh! I'll add in studio time with my dad. - Layla - I'll be right back. L Layla? [CHUCKLING.] what? Yo, two racks and studio time with her daddy? She got it like that? I guess so. Look, if you win, you got to give her all that money back, all right? Why? Ok. Whatever. I'm keeping the studio time, though. M. C. : Yo, yo, quick announcement. Big ups to homegirl over there, Layla Keating. Because of her, Grand Prize tonight has gone from 500 to 2,000! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.] Hold up. Hold up. And as a bonus, the winner also gets free studio time with legendary producer J. P. Keating. [CHEERING.] And we gonna switch things up. Coop, it's me against you. Coop, let's go. You got it, Coop. Come on, Coop. Come on! You got this. Come on, Coop. You got this. Go, Coop. LAYLA: Whoo! - PATIENCE: You got this. - SPENCER: You got it. First or second? I've been first all night, brother. Go ahead. Ok. One chance to study the competition. All good. [MUSIC STARTS.] Yeah, right off the bat Hangin' out with the cat Lining your raps No, you tyin' on them straps Gay as the rainbow, but you supposed to be black And your family don't want you They deny you, in fact Look, word on the town now You snitchin' to them peoples, too Got preach shot 4 times And you're the reason, Coop We don't believe in you Deceivin', and you think it's cute I should beat your, uh! Just for selling all them dreams you do You gave Shawn up They killed him just because of that Now somebody got to tell his mommy That his son is dead And that's more than sad You feeling dumb? , my bad 'cause now his daughter like "when my daddy comin' back? " And your best friend rollin' with you Should watch his ass And your girlfriend Patience Way out of your weight class Still the drama's not to be misunderstood That you're the grim reaper of the hood CROWD: Ooh! [SCATTERED APPLAUSE.] It's ok. Come on, babe. You got this. SPENCER: Got this, Coop. Ain't none of that true. [MUSIC STARTS.] "The grim reaper. " Damn. Just keep it moving, Preach. Hey, hip hop's a dirty game. I saw a lot of homies get lost in the sauce chasing that fame. There was one homie in particular who had what it took, but when it was time for him to get on that stage and perform for the first time, he froze. I saw that same look on your face tonight when homeboy went in on you. So what you trying to say? Maybe this music thing ain't for you. Let me ask you something, Preach, why you even care? I thought we wasn't family no more. We ain't. I just thought you maybe needed a little game. By telling me to quit? By telling you to keep your options open. You're a little bit like me, Coop. You got some hustle in your blood. Just see what else is out there. Ready to bounce? You know what? You right. I do got a lot of hustle in my blood, and I ain't never gonna give up on my dream. It's gonna take more than tonight to break me. And you, of all people, should know that. SPENCER: Hey. You're just in time. I have midterms next week. Would you mind being my study buddy again tonight? You know I got you, mom. [CLEARING THROAT.] Here you go. Uh, yeah. This This is like Japanese to me. You sure you wouldn't be better off with somebody else like I don't know Micah? Mm-hmm. Not subtle. I just ain't seen him in a minute. Why'd he disappear? Oh, things got complicated the minute Hurricane Corey blew into town. So you and Micah broke up. Not for sure we were ever at that point. Look, I know when dad left, you made a choice to put me and Dillon first, and we love you for that. But it's time to put yourself first for a change. I've done it. Dillon's done it. Even dad has done it. It's your turn, ma. [KNOCK ON DOOR.] Hey, man. Hey, what's up, coach? My bad for showing up unannounced. You got a few seconds? Yeah. Hey, Gracie. Hey, Billy. Uh, look, I don't want to put any more pressure, put any more You need to know if I'm transferring back to South Crenshaw. Yeah. I mean, I'm just putting my team back together. So I need to know what pieces I'm gonna use. Look, no offense, but you got bigger problems than me, man. You cannot keep letting Jordan slide. Oh. Right. Well, that's that's complicated. Not really. You want your son back, so you're going easy on him. I get it, but I know for a fact that Jordan misses his coach, the tough, demanding coach that pushed him to become a State Champion. He needs that guy on the field. Once you get that back, you can focus on becoming father and son again but off the field, on your own terms. Ok. But I, uh You still haven't answered my question. Have you made a decision? Actually, I have. Ok. Good morning, sweetie. How was the social? And, listen, if you hate it, you do not have to go back. I just really appreciate you trying. No. Actually, it wasn't that bad. Oh! It actually made me realize something. What? The other day I was asked a very simple question: Who am I, and what has been my contribution to the world? And I realized i had no clue. My whole life has been defined by being tethered to something or someone else Addiction, being ex-NFL star Billy Baker's daughter, being one-half of a twin. Well, Sweetie, that's not all that defines you. It feels that way. I have spent so much time consumed in other people's identities that I've never taken the time to carve out my own. Well, then start today. Figure out who you are and just know that whatever you discover, I will be equally as proud of that Olivia as I am of the one sitting in front of me right now. [KNOCK ON DOOR.] Hey. Just in time for breakfast. Let me fix you a plate. Nah, I'm good. I'm good. I can't eat right now. You ok? Uh, I've finally decided where I'm gonna play this fall. I'm choosing you to be my father, not my coach. Our relationship is the most important thing to me right now. I I just want to be your son. And I don't want football getting in the way of that. So I'm gonna stay at Beverly. Look, I seen what this has done to Coach Baker and Jordan, and I don't want You needed to see me? Yeah. I, uh, I just blocked Tony Wright from coming to Beverly. I just wanted to give you a heads-up face to face. You know, above board, professional way of handling things. Well, 5-star receivers are in abundance around here. I'll just shake a tree and find another one. - Ok, I'll block them, too. - Oh. Contrary to what you may believe, this is still my team, Cliff. And last time that i checked, I got us all a State Championship. Spencer James led them to a championship. Who do you think brought him here? Me. I did that. But at the end of the day, your fellow boosters, all of whom have voiced their support in me, they know what it takes to run this team, and it ain't a checkbook. So you can see your way out. For the record, Billy, you were never my choice to be Head Coach. SINGER: West Side, get money, make money Make money Yo, I've been thinking. Don't you see me eating? Listen, you need legit sources for money, and I could really use some help. So I'm thinking maybe we should just work together. - Doing what? - Selling my music. I want to do it indie-style. You know, mixtapes, just like neighborhood nip did it. I don't know nothing about the music industry. Maybe not, but you damn sure know how to move some product, one that ain't gonna land your ass back in jail either. Where's your music? I'm working on it. Shoot it to me when you're ready. If I like what I hear, then maybe I'll rock with you. Ok. BILLY: All right, y'all. Gather round real quick. I've had a change of heart. Rare occurrence. Yes, I know. But I've made a decision on who i want to lead as captains for this spring's 7-on-7 league, Spencer and Asher. I'll go over with you two what I expect from the field of 30. You're excused. Congratulations, boys. Well done. [BILLY CLEARS THROAT.] Jordan, can I talk with you for a second? Yeah. So, look, I hope you know that I went in a different direction because You don't need to explain, all right? I haven't been acting very captain-like lately. So I get it. Just know I'm gonna earn it back. So I wanted you to hear this from me first. I ain't going nowhere. You're stuck with me at Beverly for at least another year. Nice. "Nice. " You might want to turn your excitement down a little bit. I mean, yeah, I'm thrilled you're staying, but I honestly would've been thrilled either way. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. There something you want to talk about? Not really. Ok. Layla, things have been kind of different with you lately. And, my bad, I've been caught up with my own stuff, but I'm focused now. You know, I'm trying to help you. Just talk to me. I don't owe you every thought in my head, Spencer. I'm not saying you do, but I'm concerned, that's all. Ok, I'm fine. I just Look, i need to go. I want to be alone tonight, ok? Good night. - Layla - Damn it, Spencer. Just get out of my car, please. Get out. I'm serious. Get out. WOMAN: Oh oh oh This is my confession Oh oh oh I'm coming out of hiding Oh oh oh Can't keep Like this

Spencer gives his Dad an ultimatum about his new player, but after talking to Jordan, Spencer has a better understanding of what is really bothering him. After Coop shows off her rapping skills at school, she becomes more confident in her ability and decides to enter a freestyle battle. Olivia reluctantly joins the So Cal Muse group with Laura's encouragement, but Olivia learns that this might help create her own identity. Meanwhile, Layla is still not acting like herself and Spencer grows concerned after what he sees.

fd_Frasier_04x01

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ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment It's breakfast time in the Crane household. Frasier sits reading the newspaper as Niles precariously sits, picking bits out of his muffin with tweezers and placing them neatly on his plate. After a while, it begins to irritate Frasier. Frasier: Niles, what are you doing? Niles: This fruit-nut muffin contains a number of things I don't care for. Currants, a husk of something... [flicks something off] Away, wrinkly thing. Frasier: You know, if you and Maris ever reconcile, I'm gonna miss these tranquil mornings - I reading my newspaper, you tweezing your muffin! Daphne and Martin enter through the front door, with good news. Martin: Hey, boys. I got a letter from one of my old army pals, Bud Farrell. The whole platoon's getting together next weekend on Rattlesnake Ridge. Frasier: Oh, good for you. Speaking of old chums, Daphne, a Clive called for you a little earlier. Daphne: [worried] Clive? Frasier: Mmm-hmm. Daphne: Did he sound British? Frasier: No, he was one of those fiery Mexican Clives! He said he'd call back. Daphne: I bet he will! Martin: Oh, boy! [sitting down:] I can't wait to see the old gang! Niles: Oh Dad, you're not thinking of driving all the way to Rattlesnake Ridge? It's five hours away, you know how your hip stiffens up. Martin: No problem, they said I can bring a guest! So, who's the lucky one? Frasier: Well, by my count, two of us get to be lucky! Martin: Come on, they're great guys - Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course his name's not really Jim, we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud," because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys! Niles: We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it! Anyway, I have a conference that weekend. Daphne: And I have my friend Megan's birthday party. Martin: Fras? The phone rings. Frasier: Oh, please let that be Megan needing a clown for her party! Daphne: [answering phone:] Hello? Oh, Clive! Yes, it has been a long time, hasn't it? Oh, I am sorry, I have dinner plans tonight. Well, maybe just a drink then. Say, 6:30? Me too. Bye. [phone down:] Oh, hell! Niles: So who is this Clive? Frasier: An ex-boyfriend? Daphne: Worse! Ex-fiancé. Niles: You were engaged? Daphne: For years! We were mad for each other. He was very sweet and had the most gorgeous eyes you ever saw! Niles: But-? Daphne: Oh yes, that too! I just couldn't see a future with him. I mean, the man was a total layabout. No ambition, no drive! He couldn't hold a job. All he wanted to do was tinker about with his car. His fingers were always black from the motor oil. Niles: What a brutish habit! If God intended for me to work on my Mercedes, he wouldn't have given me Horst. He leaves to the kitchen. Daphne: I had to break it off! But I had to bring him down easily, so I said if we were still free in five years, we could try again! And here he is, right on schedule! [Niles re-enters:] Well, what do I say to him? Frasier: Well, be honest, tell him what you feel. Daphne: And break the poor thing's heart all over again! Frasier: No, it's the best way to avoid unnecessary anguish. Case in point: Dad, I do not have plans for next weekend, but I don't intend to spend it with Budweiser and Boilermaker and their liver-damaged friend, Seltzer! Martin: Well, that's fine. There'll be other reunions. Frasier: [to Daphne:] See? No evasions, no inconvenient conferences, just simple honesty! Martin: But I don't suppose Jim'll make it next time. Says here he just had his third bypass. But I'll see him this June. Frasier: [getting up] Off to work! Martin: Unless I go first! Frasier: All right, I'll drive you to your stupid reunion! Martin: Thanks, son. Frasier goes to his room. Martin: I guess I'll leave it a couple of days before telling him about Stinky needing a ride. [SCENE_BREAK] NEXT IN THE REPERTORY, "COSI FAN TUSHY" Scene Two - KACL Frasier is doing his slot. He is in the middle of his conclusion for the day. Frasier: And in closing, this goes out to Keith, the narcoleptic I spoke to a bit earlier. I'd be glad to resume when you feel a bit more alert, but in the meantime I suggest you reconsider applying for that air traffic control position. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780 AM. Gil Chesterton enters Frasier's booth. Gil: Brilliant show, Frasier. Chock full of pithy insight. Frasier: What do you want? Gil: A favour. Bonnie Weems, the Auto Lady, just asked me to another one of her wretched dinner parties. Well, I was planning on saying that you and I have ballet tickets, so do back me up. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, I can't! Gil: But you've got to. Have you any idea how vile her food is? The local raccoons have posted warning signs on her trash bin! Frasier: Well, you see, she already invited me, and I told her I promised my father I'd drive him to his army reunion at Rattlesnake Ridge. Gil: Oh, very clever. Well, I'd use it myself, but I killed my father off to escape her Labour Day clambake. He leaves, whilst Roz enters from her booth. Frasier: Er, Roz, listen, I'm going to the opera tonight. You didn't happen to remember to bring my... Roz: Oh, your opera glasses! I'm so sorry, they completely slipped my mind. Frasier: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle that bodybuilder that moved in across the street. Roz: Hey, just once or twice. It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I could look up his number and call him while he was in the shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer the phone in front of the picture window. That would be wrong. Frasier: Look, I want them back. I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying to watch The Magic Flute! He leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Apartment Later, Frasier is playing the piano in his apartment. Daphne: [o.s.] Dr. Crane, I need your opinion on this outfit. I wanted something that said "no romantic signals whatsoever." Daphne enters wearing a long woolly cardigan, which covers up everything. Frasier: Well, short of a cactus corsage, I think you've captured it. You know, Daphne, it's been five years. It's an awfully long time to carry a torch. Maybe he just wants to say hello. Daphne: Oh, I certainly hope so. The thought of having to reject the poor thing again is more than I can bear. The doorbell rings. Daphne: Oh dear, it's him. Anything between my teeth? Frasier: No. Daphne: Is there any spinach in the fridge? Frasier: Just answer the door! Daphne opens the door to a grinning Niles, ready to intervene. Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane, I was afraid you were Clive! Niles: [acting:] Oh, Clive? Clive? [he "realises":] Oh, Clive. Is that tonight? Oh, well don't I feel silly bringing over this 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Frasier: I'm sure Daphne doesn't want us horning in on her reunion. We're going to dinner! Niles: Well, can't we order in? I've already assembled one kitten and two yarn balls! Frasier: [takes the jigsaw away] I'm getting my jacket! The doorbell goes again. Daphne answers it, while Niles watches. Frasier: Niles, for God's sake, will you give them some privacy? He exits to the hall, while Niles exits to the kitchen. Daphne opens the door to Clive - a handsome, athletic, boyishly naive Cockney. Clive: Hello. Daphne: Hello. Clive: Look at you, you look wonderful. Daphne: Oh! Go on. Clive: I mean it. Very pretty and warm. So... Daphne: So... They hug, but Clive makes a hotch potch. Clive: Oh my God! I've got a spot of axle grease on your sweater. Daphne: Oh, it's all right, really. It's just a ratty old thing. Please, come in. [he does] Same old Clive, I see. Clive: I suppose so. Daphne: So, what brings you to Seattle? Clive: [turns around] My undying love for you. Oh, damn! I meant to lead up to that, sorry. Daphne: No, it's all right. Just a bit... Clive: Abrupt. No "how are you, nice place you have here" - by the way, it is lovely. Is that the, uh, Space Needle? [goes to the window] Daphne: Clive... Clive: Super. Anyway, I remember what you told me five years ago. I thought my feelings might change, five years is a long time. But... Daphne: Clive... Clive: Let me finish! My feelings for you haven't changed. I think about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in a man's life when he's got to sum up the courage to look at a woman straight in the eye and say... Niles: [entering with a bowl:] Cheese Nips? I'm sorry, is this a bad moment? Clive: Well, actually... Daphne: No, no, not at all. This is my very dear old friend, Clive Roddy. Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane... my husband. Niles drops the bowl with a clatter. Clive: Your husband?! Daphne: [putting her arm through Niles's] Yes, six months next week. Clive: Well, don't I feel a bit... [to Niles] Congratulations, you're a very lucky man. Niles gives a giddy little laugh. END OF ACT ONE (Time: 9:24) ACT TWO A SWELL OF COUPLES Scene Four - Apartment The situation resumes. Clive: Six months? Well, you two are practically newlyweds. Daphne: Yes, we're still at that honeymoon stage. It's sickening, really. [kisses Niles] Niles: Revolting! [kisses her back] Positively stomach turning! [He tries to kiss again but she pulls away] Clive: I should be going. Niles: No! I mean, we are so enjoying having you here. Daphne: I did promise you a drink. Clive: Oh. Well, I suppose I could stay for a bit. Daphne: Oh! [to Niles:] Darling, would you give me a hand in the kitchen, please? Niles: Certainly, my angel. Niles follows her in, where she starts to pour drinks. Daphne: Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry. It seemed the kindest way to let him down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. [opens fridge and bends over to get something from the bottom shelf] Niles: When it comes to you, no position is... [turns round, coming face to face with her backside] too awkward. Frasier enters the living room, meeting Clive. Frasier: Oh hello, you must be Clive. Clive: Yeah, and you are? Frasier: Dr. Frasier Crane. [shakes hands] Clive: Oh, Niles's brother. Frasier: Yes. You met Niles? Clive: Just now. Though I used to know his wife quite well. Frasier: Really, you know his wife? Clive: She's one of a kind, that one. Frasier: Isn't she? [laughs with him] Clive: Certainly can light up a room. Frasier: Oh yes, usually by leaving it! He laughs, but Clive looks confused and offended at this. Niles and Daphne enter the living room, shocked by the disaster that's unraveling. Niles: Frasier! Daphne: Clive! I see you've met my husband's brother. Clive: Yes. I'm not intruding on some family occasion, am I? Daphne: [now in Niles's arms again] Oh, no! Frasier lives here. I mean, temporarily. He's... Niles: Had a spat with his wife... Maris. Clive: Sorry to hear that. Frasier: Yes, me too. You know, Daphne, I'm parched, could you show me again where we keep the wine? Daphne: Of course. Could you spare me a minute? [begins to leave] Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! [stops her] Wait, you have to pay the love toll. [she kisses him] Too much, here's the change. [kisses her back] Daphne drags Frasier to the kitchen. Niles: [to Clive, giddy] Can you stay for dinner? Meanwhile, Frasier is arguing with Daphne in the kitchen. Frasier: I told you to be honest! But would you listen? No! Now instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade. Daphne: Play along, please. I swear, one drink and he's out the door. Niles: [entering:] He's staying for dinner. Frasier: What?! Daphne: Well, how did that happen? Niles: He just sort of invited himself. Pretty damn cheeky if you ask me. [Frasier gives him a look of disbelief] Daphne: Oh, dear God! Niles: Obviously he still has hopes of winning you back. We must keep these signs of affection as realistic as possible. Frasier: [interrupting:] Psst! Niles leaves. Daphne: Oh, what will I serve? Do we still have that lasagna? Frasier: Daphne, you don't expect me to endure an entire evening of this nonsense! Daphne: [searching the fridge] Just do this for me. And anything you want, name it. Anything, it's yours. Frasier: Anything? Daphne: [realizing, turns around] Except Rattlesnake Ridge! Frasier: [shrugs and calls] Oh, Clive! Clive: [o.s.] Yes? Daphne: [whispering] All right, I'll take him! Frasier: Lasagna all right for dinner? Clive: Super. Daphne: I'm warning you, one thing goes wrong and the whole deal's off. Frasier: Nothing can go wrong. We just have to stick to our stories and avoid any complications. Martin: [o.s.] Oh, I see we've got company! Frasier and Daphne look at each other, horrified. They rush out to greet him. Niles: Dad! Frasier: Dad! Daphne: Dad! Martin, emerging from his room, looks confused. Daphne: Clive, I'd like you to meet my new husband's father. Frasier: [takes him coat:] Or, as we sometimes say in this country, Father-in-law. Clive: I'm Clive Roddy. [shakes him hand.] Martin: Yeah, Marty Crane. Somebody tell me... Niles: [interrupting:] Oh Daphne, we've been so remiss. We haven't given Clive the tour. Daphne: Oh yes, quite right! This is the living room. Niles: No, I think he'll be more interested in the master bathroom. [covering up:] The shower being so large and Manchester being so rainy. Daphne: Right this way. [she leads him off to the bathroom.] Niles: Oh, you forgot to pay the toll. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Never mind. Daphne drags Clive offstage. Frasier: [to Martin] Now go away! Martin: What the hell for? What's going on here? Frasier: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend; she's trying to let him down easily, by pretending to be married to Niles. Niles: So this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily, because he's separated from Maris. Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh? Martin & Frasier laugh, while Niles looks miffed. Niles: That's very amusing. Martin: Do I still live here? Frasier: Yes, of course you do, but I think for this evening it would be best if you just excused yourself. You see, it involves quick thinking and improvisational skills, and a knack for remembering details. Martin: Oh, I never used any of those skills as an undercover cop. Niles: Please don't be offended- Martin: [sits down] No, I'm not offended, my two sons have just said I've got oatmeal for brains. Daphne and Clive enter with yet more complications. Clive: So, Daphne tells me that you two are both psychiatrists. Frasier: Yes. Clive: Fascinating. Are you a psychiatrist as well, Marty? Martin: Me? No, I'm retired. Clive: What did you do? Martin: [looking evily at the Crane boys] I was an astronaut. This causes Niles and Daphne to nearly faint onto the couch. Frasier turns round in sudden disbelief. Clive: Really! And you actually flew space missions? Martin: Yeah, a couple. Me and Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin - you know, it was me that gave him his nickname "Buzz," You know, most people think it's 'cause he flew fast. Not true! He was scared of bees. The doorbell rings. This has to be the most hilarious part of the know who it's going to be. Frasier: Wh-Who is it? Roz: [o.s.] Open up, Frasier, it's me. Martin: What do you know, it's Maris! Niles and Daphne turn on Martin with faces of mixed fury and panic. He just smiles at them. Frasier slowly opens the door. Roz: [with opera glasses in hand:] Here are your stupid opera glasses. Are we friends again? Frasier: Darling! He throws his arms around Roz and and kisses her cheek. She looks bewildered. Frasier: [whispering in her ear] You're Maris! Roz: What? Frasier: [whispering in her other ear] We're married! Roz: What? Frasier: Just play along! Clive: Well, their little tiff's over. Frasier: Maris Crane, this is Mr. Clive Roddy. Clive: It's a pleasure! Roz: [overcome by Clive; saucily:] It certainly is. So, how long will you be in Seattle? Frasier: Uh, Cupcake? [taking her away] Well, if you'll excuse me, we could do with a moment alone. Come with me, darling. Roz and Frasier go out onto the balcony. Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan! Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon. Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon- Crane. Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity. Niles and Daphne sit down on the couch next to Clive. Niles places his hand on her knee. Niles: So Clive, what do you do? Daphne: Still mucking about with cars, I see. [points to some axle grease on his hand] Clive: Oh, my hands? No, I helped a man change his tires on the way over here. Don't have enough time as I used to, what with my business and all. Daphne gives a horrified look, Niles is more horrified. Daphne: Your business? Clive: Well, after you left I remembered the advice you gave me, and it all made sense. Daphne: What advice? Clive: Well, you know, "get a job you lazy git," that sort of thing. So I took a few business courses and opened up a little sporting goods shop. Next thing you know I had three of them. Daphne: [to Niles:] Well, isn't this ironic! [removes Niles's hand] All these years I've nagged him to make something of himself. [forcefully, "Stop the Act!!!"] And now look at him, a captain of industry, and still as handsome as ever. Niles: Yes, well, send in the clowns! Roz and Frasier enter from the balcony. Niles: Don't bother, they're here. Frasier: Well, bad news, it seems my Maris has to run off, she's got a previous engagement. Martin: Oh, forget about your engagement, Maris. Stay for dinner! Frasier: Well, actually... Roz: [broad smile:] I'd love to. Clive: Lovely, we can celebrate you two being reconciled. Roz: That is still tentative, it could go either way. Daphne looks appalled at Roz, as if to say "leave off!" Eddie runs in and jumps onto a chair. Clive: Hello there, what's his name? Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz and Martin look at each other blankly for a moment. All: EDDIE! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Apartment We resume after dinner. Martin is telling one of his wonderful space stories from his bank of fairy tales. Martin: So there I was, floating 20 feet up in the chamber, when some idiot turns off the weightless button and down I come on this big pickaxe we used for moon rocks! Frasier, Niles and Daphne all despair at how thick he's laying it on, but Clive is completely taken in. Clive: And you still walk with a cane. Martin: Que Sera Sera. I better turn in, boys. Frasier: Don't forget your warm glass of Tang. Clive: It was an honour meeting you, Commander. Martin: Yeah, I had fun too. Goodnight, all! All: Goodnight. Martin leaves. Clive: Delicious meal, Daphne. [Frasier and Niles go to the kitchen] Can't remember the last time I ate so much. Roz: Well, that explains your fantastic physique. Daphne: Yes, you are looking wonderfully firm. [feels his six-pack] Yes, and that little tummy. Roz: Do you work out? Clive: When I can. Actually, my shops keep me pretty busy. Niles: [enters taking plates:] Daphne and I have our own little excercise regimen. We work up quite a sweat, don't we, darling? [leaves] Daphne: I can't get over it, it's like you're a whole different person. [aimed in Niles's direction:] A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSON!! Frasier: [peering out of kitchen with coffee jug:] Well, who's for coffee? Daphne: I'll give you a hand. Daphne enters the kitchen in her fleet of madness. Frasier turns round ready for a tough journey. Daphne: Would you please tell Roz to stop flirting! Has she forgotten she is a married woman? Frasier: Oh, you're one to talk. If you batted your eyelashes any harder, you'd blow out the candles! Daphne: You get rid of her now, or it's Rattlesnake Ridge for you. Frasier: You wouldn't! Daphne: Oh, wouldn't I? And by the way, Stinky needs a ride. [Frasier gasps] Daphne and Frasier go back into the dining area. Roz is reading Clive's palm, until Frasier intervenes. Roz: And according to your love lines, what a naughty little... Frasier: Maris, I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted! Roz: See you at home. More wine, please. Daphne: Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear? Remember that blackout you had last month? [laughs] What am I saying? Of course you don't. Niles: That's what I love about her, her sense of humour. Cookie, darling? Daphne: No thank you, [to Roz's face:] some of us do look after our weight! Roz: Now, now, Daphne. You have to keep your strength up. You are eating for two. Niles drops the cookie plate, while Daphne looks furious. Clive: You're having a baby?! When you were planning on springing that news? Daphne: We don't like to bring that up. It's a sore point around here, what with my sister-in-law being barren and all. Niles: Now, now, it's not her fault. You see, my brother is impotent. Frasier just doesn't care anymore. Clive: ...Congratulations. Is there a loo I could, er... Niles: Yes, yes, right there by the front door. We call it "Frasier's Bathroom," that is why we've monogrammed all the towels with his initials. Clive enters the powder room. Frasier: Have you all taken leave of your senses? Daphne: Well, she started it, hanging all over him. Roz: What is your problem? Frasier says the only reason we're doing this is because you wanted to give him the brush-off. Daphne: Well, I changed my mind! Didn't you see my signals? Roz: Gee, I missed them, it must have been in the middle of one of my BLACKOUTS! Niles: Wait, wait, wait, there's no need to fight, I'll flip a coin. [does, quickly] Oh, good news, Roz! Roz: Hooray! Daphne: [to Niles] Oh, sod off! Unnoticed by anyone, Clive exits the powder room and hears the following: Daphne: You'd think with all your dozens and dozens of men, you could at least leave one for me. Roz: Dozens? [to Frasier:] Did you tell her that? Frasier: Well, forgive me for keeping track! Niles: Why are you fighting over that man anyway? He's got all the charm of a cricket bat! Roz: You're right. You know what, Daphne? You can have him. You can have him, he's yours! Daphne: Oh, fat chance I've got, now that you've told him I'm pregnant! How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?! She sees Clive and they all turn round in panic. Frasier: Hi, coffee? Clive: No, thank you. I really should be going. Daphne: No, no, please, I know what you must think, but we're not what we seem. Clive: You certainly aren't. Look, I know I'm a guest here, so I've kept silent so far. But I'm sorry, I must speak: you're the most appalling family I've ever met. [to Frasier:] You breaking up with your wife over a pair of opera glasses. [to Niles:] And you looking down your nose at me the entire time you were showing off your "posh flat." Well, to be honest, mate, I don't think there's anything remotely special about your bathrooms. [Frasier is offended; to the girls:] And you two women, flirting shamelessly with me right in front of your husbands. [to Roz:] You having just reconciled with Frasier, [to Daphne:] and you carrying Niles's baby. Well, I pity your child, Daphne. And I pity any good Manchester girl that comes here to this vile coffee- swilling Sodom and lets it change her like it's changed you. Daphne: But I haven't changed! Really, we're not the awful people you think we are. Frasier: No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night! Daphne: Yes! Clive: Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore. Goodbye, Daphne, Maris, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane. I'll never understand how two men like you could be spawned from that sweet, courageous old astronaut. He leaves. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:11) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier, Daphne & Niles are sitting on the couch, all wiped out after the evening's charade. Daphne, very depressed, offers Frasier a biscuit, which he eats. She eats a biscuit and offers one to Niles. He takes his tweezers and puts the unwanted bits into his sherry glass.

Daphne receives a phone call from Clive, an old fiancé whom she ditched due to his lack of ambition and drive. She invites him to the apartment, where she introduces Niles as her husband, to Niles' delight. Clive ends up staying for dinner. Martin joins in the deception and deliberately complicates it, claiming to be a retired astronaut . When Roz arrives unexpectedly, Martin introduces her as Frasier's wife. Clive is now a successful businessman, and Daphne regrets trying to put him off. She and Roz both compete for his attention. Clive is appalled, and leaves, saying he is shocked they are related to Martin, who he calls that "sweet courageous old astronaut".

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Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is stressing out about something.] Monica: What is it hon? Phoebe: I-I can't find anything that I want to eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake-ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No. Monica: Aww, honey I'm sorry. Phoebe: God! Ooh! What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.) Chandler: Wow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings. [Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.] Joey: Yeah? Phoebe: It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen there's something in here I want to eat, what-what smells so good? (Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.) Joey: Is it the shampoo? It's guava. Phoebe: (she smells his head) No! Joey: Oh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich? Phoebe: Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it! The baby wants bologna! Maybe he wants me to eat meat? I can't eat meat! Joey: Oh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it's a pickle?! (Phoebe grimaces at the smell.) OPENING CREDITS [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor.] Chandler: What are you writing? Rachel: Well, Joshua's coming in tomorrow and since I don't have the guts to ask him out, I'm going to sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket. Chandler: Oh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style-what did you throw away? (Ross and Emily enter.) Chandler: Hi guys! All: Hey! Joey: Hey, what have you guys been up too? Ross: Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs and the Cupert-Hewitt museum. Chandler: Without me?! Emily: My uncle dragged us there. But, it actually it turned out to be really interesting. Ross: Yeah. Emily: They were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.) Monica: I don't know how museums work in England but, here, you're not supposed to take stuff. Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It's a joke. (They all laugh.) Ross: Bye. (They kiss.) Emily: Right, I've got to be off, I'll see ya. Buh-bye then. (She leaves.) Joey: Wow! You guys seem to be having a good time. Ross: Oh yeah, she's-she's amazing. And-and she's so much fun. And! Y'know what? When I'm with her, I'm fun! I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She's leaving in two days, I don't have to do it. Monica: Oh no, two days, you must be bummed. Ross: Yeah, she's got to go back to London. But you know what? I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and that's it. Y'know. Joey: Hey that's what all my relationships are like. Chandler: Yes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks that's it. (Phoebe enters.) Ross: Pheebs! All: Hey! Ross: (starts rubbing her belly) Hello! Hello! Phoebe: (angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger to make it think it was getting meat, y'know? And I got nauseous. Chandler: Maybe that's because soy-burgers suck! Phoebe: Being pregnant is tough on your tummy. Joey: Hey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow. Phoebe: That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too. [Scene: Bloomingdale's, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note.] Joshua: (coming in from a changing room) Okay! Rachel: Oh, here's that trench-coat that you wanted. Joshua: Oh great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it's comfortable. Rachel: Yeah? Joshua: Man, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.) Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don't want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store. Joshua: Why not?! Rachel: Well, that's because of a lot of...(She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.) Joshua: Y'know, they ruin it for everybody. Rachel: I know! Joshua: Y'know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night. Rachel: Oh? Joshua: Yeah, it was my first date since the uh, since the divorce. Rachel: Well, congratulations, so do you love her? Joshua: No, no, no, she's nice but, y'know, it just it made me realize that I'm just not, I'm just not ready to be dating, y'know? Rachel: Huh. Well, uh, that's uh, that's interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.) Joshua: (noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that? Rachel: Oh, it's just an anti-theft device. Joshua: Then uh, what's-what's this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.) Rachel: You need that, you need that too 'cause obviously, a thief could just tear this up. (Rips up the note.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Oops, sorry. Listen, we-we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, so everybody cancel your plans. Chandler: What are you talking about? Joey: Yeah, what' going on? Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it's actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he's not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.) Ross: Well, as much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren't going to be here. All right? I mean, she's going to come by first to say good-bye, and then I've got a whole special evening planned. So I'm sorry, no party. Joey: Awwww! Emily: (entering) Hello? Rachel: Surprise!!! Chandler and Joey: Surprise!! Emily: No one's ever thrown me a surprise party before! Rachel: Well, it was all Ross's idea. Emily: You're so sweet! And I'm so surprised! Ross: You really didn't know? [Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.] Chandler: Why are you in here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.) Rachel: Uhh, because I'm trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick he's looking over here, say something funny. Chandler: Like what? (Rachel laughs hysterically.) Joey: What-what-what is so funny? Chandler: I said, "Like what?" Joey: Now that's a thinker. Rachel: Okay, y'know what, y'know what? This playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Okay. Okay. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi! Joshua: Hi! Rachel: Care for a cherry? Joshua: Oh, no thanks. Rachel: No? Y'know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue. (She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.) Joshua: You okay? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is not hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.) Ross: (interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably get going soon. Emily: Oh, but the party's only just getting started! Ross: Yeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks in 15 minutes and then y'know, then The Plaza for dinner. Emily: So why did you plan a party at the same time? Ross: No-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It's usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I'm so surprised-good-bye!" Emily: But Ross, I'm such having a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties. Ross: Monica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica's knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.) [Cut to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich.] Phoebe: Ooh, yeah. Then what are you going to put on top of that? Joey: A little salami. Phoebe: Ooh yeah! Then umm, what goes on top of the salami? Joey: Pastrami. Phoebe: Oooh, yeah. You're a genius. (Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.) Rachel: Oh, could somebody give me a hand with this zipper? Joey: Yeah. (He goes over to her.) Rachel: Up! Monica: You changed? Rachel: Yeah, I did. I needed my lucky dress. Monica: And lucky means, more cleavage? Chandler: Does for me. (Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the 'okay' symbol and walks away.) Rachel: Ohh, God! Look at him, he's so cute. I wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him? Joey: Oh! I know how you can get him, take off your bra. Rachel: What? Joey: There was a seen in Footloose... Chandler: Flashdance. Joey: Yeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl... Chandler: She was a welder. Joey: What? Were you like in the movie, or... Anyway, she takes off her bra under her shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy. Monica: Or if you want to kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe. Rachel: It's not Christmas! Monica: Or Spin the Bottle? Rachel: He's not 11! Emily: (with her coat on, she's leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of you. Rachel: What? You're leaving?! Ross: Yes, we have something we have to get to. Joshua: Uhh, yeah, I think I'm going to take-off too. Rachel: No! You guys can't leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned! Ross: What big thing? [Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.] Rachel: (spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, it lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther's face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first? Emily: I'll go. All: Yay! (Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.) Joey: Welcome to America. (They both kiss.) (Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.) Monica: Two in a row! You've got to use your tongues now! (They kiss again.) Rachel: Yay! Emily! (Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.) Chandler: What are the odds? What are the odds? (They both move to kiss again.) Ross: (stopping them) Okay, that-that's enough! Y'know, let's, let's let someone else play. Joey: If you didn't want to play, why did you come to the party? Rachel: Okay, my turn!! (Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on....wait for it....Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn't you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.) Phoebe: Oh my God!! The baby just kicked! All: Ohh! Rachel: It's okay! It's okay! It kicked once, it'll kick again! All: Oh my God! (They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.) Rachel: All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting. (She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she's knocking a bug off his leg.) Rachel: Just a bug. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, it is later in the party. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.] Phoebe: Y'know it doesn't matter how much I'm craving it. Y'know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's murder, cold blooded murder. Chandler: Okay. (He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.) Chandler: There's a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.) Joey: Phoebe, what-what are you doing?! Phoebe: I can't help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat. Joey: All right look, y'know how-y'know how when you're dating someone and you don't want to cheat on them, unless it's with someone really hot? Phoebe: Yeah, totally! Joey: All right. Okay. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you're going to do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right! [Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.] Joey: Feel better now? Phoebe: Yeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I'm gonna eat like, y'know millions of cows. Joey: Hey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meatwise. Phoebe: What? Joey: Well, I eat a lot of meat right? Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: Well, suppose until the baby's born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you'd just be eating my animals. Phoebe: Joey, I can't believe you would do that for me. Joey: Absolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There's no meat in beer, right? [Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.] Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away. (Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.) Emily: But, we can't go now. It looks like Rachel's gonna put on a skit. Monica: Oh my God! Have you lost your mind? Rachel: No-n-n-n-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn't working out to well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed. Monica: Rachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can't let-(pause), actually I kinda want to see what happens. Joshua: Hey! Rachel: Hi! Joshua: Nice uh, costume. Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an 'E!' All: E! Rachel: Gimme an 'M!' All: M! Rachel: Gimme an 'I!' All: I! Rachel: Gimme an 'L!' All: L! Rachel: Gimme a 'Y!' All: Y! Rachel: What do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil-Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler's room.) Okay! So that's me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther's the only one that claps.) (Joey and Monica rush over to her.) Joey and Monica: Are you all right? Rachel: I'm fine! I'm fine! I'm just losing a tooth, it's no big deal. I have a dentist! Y'know. I'm gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) What do I do now? What do I do now? Monica: I think you're done. Joey: Okay, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.) Joshua: Umm, that was really great, but I-I gotta take-off actually. Joey: (trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off. Rachel: All right, come on, let's go get your coat. Joshua: Okay. (They both go to Chandler's bedroom to get his coat.) [Cut to Gunther and Emily.] Gunther: Rachel is my girlfriend. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Chandler's bedroom.] Joshua: So, this was uh, really fun. Rachel: Oh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) Y'know, this bra... Really, bothers me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Y'know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, a lot of memories. If these walls could talk, y'know what they'd say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn't co-operating.) Joshua: Need uh, need a little hand there. Rachel: Oh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control. Joshua: You really don't seem like you do. That's... (She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.) Rachel: Ughhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen. Joshua: Well, what was supposed to happen? Rachel: Can you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought that if I could get you here, I could seduce you. Joshua: Huh. Oh, boy! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don't wear suits to work, and I bought six of them from you. Rachel: Well, I'm sorry, I thought you needed them! Joshua: No, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you. Rachel: Why?! Joshua: Because I-I like you. Rachel: You like me? Joshua: Yeah! I mean you're-you're beautiful and smart and sophisticated-a lot of this isn't based on tonight. Rachel: Yeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can't believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me! Joshua: But... Rachel: Oh no-no-no don't say but! No-no, but's never good! Let's just leave it at, you like me and I like you. Joshua: Okay uh, however... Rachel: Oh, now see that's a fancy but. Joshua: My marriage like just ended, and I'm really not ready to get into anything yet. Rachel: But.... Joshua: I'm sorry, I, I just need a little time. Rachel: Okay. [Scene: The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment.] Rachel: Ohh, here you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua's gone so you and Emily are free to go. Ross: That's okay. She's still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it's too late to do any of the things I had planned, so... Rachel: Oh, Ross, I'm sorry. I completely ruined your evening. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool out of myself. Ross: Helps a little. Rachel: Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? Ross: Yeah, have a seat. Rachel: I'm so sorry. Ross: That's okay, I mean it was just two-week thing anyway, I just didn't want it to end this way, y'know? Rachel: Well, maybe you didn't want it to end? Ross: What do you mean? Rachel: You seem to really like her. Ross: Yeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week thing, y'know no commitment. Rachel: Ross, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks. Ross: You think? Rachel: Yeah, you got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you're sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip. Ross: Hey, you're right. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Thanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it? Rachel: I don't know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids. Ross: Oh my God! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.) Rachel: Hey. Chandler: Hey. Rachel: You're a pathetic loser, right? Chandler: Oh-ho, yeah! Rachel: Sit! (He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.) Joshua: Hi. (He has just returned.) Rachel: Oh my gosh, Joshua! Joshua: All those things I said about not being ready... Rachel: They're not true? Joshua: No, they're-they're all true. Rachel: Oh. Joshua: But... Rachel: Oh! Oh, I love that but. (They move to kiss, but realise that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.) Rachel: You wanna go inside and have some coffee? Joshua: Yeah. Rachel: Okay. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich.] Joey: Oooh, what you got there? Phoebe: Pastrami. Joey: Oh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! Y'know what goes good with that? Joey: Hm-mm, corn beef. Joey: Ooh, I was gonna say bologna, but that's much better. How about a little of that smoked turkey? Phoebe: Okay. Joey: (He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due? Phoebe: Six months. Joey: Ugh. Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right? Phoebe: Not if I get there first.

Pregnant Phoebe, a vegetarian, craves meat and enlists Joey's help. He offers to refrain from eating meat, thus balancing out what Phoebe consumes. Ross wants to spend as much time with Emily as possible before she returns to London. Rachel throws a fake surprise goodbye party for Emily as a ruse to invite Joshua, disrupting Ross' more intimate farewell plans.

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x09

fd_CSI__Crime_Scene_Investigation_06x09_0

[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] [CU: BUFFET PLATE] (FAST FORWARD: Food is placed on a plate, paid for and carried to the table. It's eaten and put in the tray when the table is bussed.) (The bin is carried into the kitchens. Someone picks up the plate and accidentally drops it on the floor. The place cracks. Someone sweeps the pieces into a dust bin and carries it outside where it's thrown into the garbage.) (Inside the garbage is a dead body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [PHOTO FLASHES] (Grissom takes photos of the dead body in the garbage bin.) [EXT. - NIGHT] (Brass walks up to Grissom.) Brass: Hey. Grissom: I was happy to hear the review board cleared you. Brass: Well, it's been a rough time, but I'm dealing with it. Anyway, a kitchen worker found him. Says a lot of homeless people hang out here. Says the vic was unfamiliar to him. Grissom: Creased khakis, oxford shirt, new shoes. This guy had a home. Brass: Well, I checked the front pockets, no ID. Grissom: Back pockets? Brass: I was leaving that for you. (Grissom turns and looks at the body.) Brass: Looks like some blood around his lips. Maybe somebody punched him in the mouth. What do you think? (Grissom reaches into the garbage bin and takes a swab of the red substance around the dead man's smiling lips. He looks at it and smells it.) Grissom: Cranberry sauce. (Brass chuckles.) Brass: I know. Happy Thanksgiving. FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. -- NIGHT] (Grissom and Catherine are near the body waiting for David Phillips to finish.) Catherine: This place used to make a hell of a meatloaf sandwich. (to Grissom) You ever eat here? Grissom: Not since the chef blew his brains all over the kitchen. David Phillips: I eat here all the time. I like the chili. Grissom: TOD, David? David Phillips: Based on liver temp, he's been dead around two hours. Catherine: Well, it looks like he was knocked out and thrown out. And there's some metallic silver residue on his cheek. (Grissom snaps a photo of a white sticky substance on the dead body's hand.) Grissom: What's this gunk in his hands? (David pries the stiff hand open.) David Phillips: Mashed potatoes. Grissom: There were mashed potatoes in the dumpster. (He notices the man's nails.) David Phillips: No fingernails ... on either hand. Catherine: Maybe he was alive inside there. Digging to get out. Grissom: Or he had really bad table manners. Catherine: There's some scarring on his wrist, but not on the other. David Phillips: Look what I found in his pocket. "Aunt Jackpot's Pretzels." (David shows them the napkin.) Catherine: Oh, now, they make a great pretzel. Grissom: Maybe that's why he's got that smile on his face. (Camera lingers on the smile on the man's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAWN] [EXT. RESIDENCE -- MORNING] (A crowd of curious onlookers have gathered outside the taped-off area just outside the residence.) (Sofia Curtis, Sara and Nick walk up the driveway toward the house.) Sofia Curtis: 419 times two. Nick: Double murder? Sofia Curtis: Husband and wife. (They notice a car with Nevada plates, 656-DHL.) Sara: Beat-up car in a Lexus neighborhood. Sofia Curtis: We ran the plates. RO doesn't live here. We're tracking her down. (Nick reads the bumper sticker as they walk past the car.) Nick: "Bitch on wheels." Can't wait to meet her. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RESIDENCE - MORNING] (Sofia opens the door and they walk inside.) Sofia Curtis: Alarm was triggered at 11:45 P.M. The monitoring company notified PD when the homeowners didn't return their call. Patrol finally arrived at 3:32 A.M. Nick: Residentials are a low priority. They're usually false alarms. (On the floor are two dead bodies.) Sofia Curtis: Not this one. Michael and Lori Tinsley. Kitchen door was open when we arrived. His wallet was in his pocket. Her purse was on the counter. Cards, cash, TV, stereo, it's all still here. Nick: If this was a robbery, they missed all the good stuff. (Sofia glances at her watch.) Sofia Curtis: The coroner should be here right now. So, uh, I'm gonna go see what's happened to him. (Sofia leaves. Sara kneels down and looks at the woman.) Sara: Well, looks like she exsanguinated out her jugular. Nick: Abrasion on his forehead. No visible blood. Blonde hairs on his shirt. Both victims are brunette. Sara: Blonde hairs on the wife, too. And possible skin scrapings under her fingernails. Maybe she got a piece of her attacker. (Quick flashback to: Lori Tinsley struggles against her attacker. End of flashback.) Nick: If her neck was sliced with a knife, it was probably serrated. The wound's too jagged for a straight one. (Sara looks around and sees the open cabinet.) Sara: Check out that record collection. The cabinet door's open. (She walks over to look. She opens the cabinet door and looks at the record collection. Nick leans forward to look at a blood drop on the ground.) Sara: Alphabetized. Classic rock. Looks like several records have been removed recently. (Quick flashback to: Someone opens the cabinet door and removes several records. End of flashback.) Sara: I'll dust for prints. Nick: Smudges in the blood trail. Ovoid shapes suggest directionality. Satellite stains also suggest suspect moved this direction. (Nick heads in the direction of the blood trail.) Sara: Judging by these gaps, I'd say entire catalogs are missing. Nick: There is good money in vinyl. Especially if it's rare and well-preserved. Who would kill somebody over a bunch of records? (He turns on the flashlight and looks at the open back door. The sprinklers are on.) Sara: Something's missing between the Beach Boys and Billy Joel. Sara/Nick: (both) The Beatles. (Nick walks outside.) (He checks the door latch.) Nick: Loose strike. Would have been pretty easy to get in from back here. (From the kitchen, Sara sees the dog bowl.) Sara: They have a dog. Nick: (calls out) Sofia said the door was open; maybe he took off. Bloodstains stop at the grass. Sprinklers are on now, kissing the evidence good-bye. Sara: Hey, Nick. Nick: Yeah? Sara: There was some blood on these dog bowls. (Nick steps back into the house.) Sara: Considerable. (Nick kneels and looks at the blood on Kahlua's dog bowls.) (They hear a thud. Sara looks around, then at Nick. They hear another thud.) (They both get up and reach for their guns. They make their way down the hallway. At the end of the hallway is a partially opened door.) (They push the door open and find a dog sitting inside an open kennel box.) (The dog growls.) (On the dog's muzzle is dried blood. The dog's paws are also bloodied.) Nick: I'll call Animal Control. (Nick puts his gun away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins shares his findings with Catherine.) Dr. Robbins: Stomach is massively distended. Human stomachs have a volume of about one liter, a little more than a quart. But they have the ability to expand and hold up to four liters. But looking at this guy, I'd say he was packing around six. And that's your COD. (Quick flashback to: The victim is in the garbage bin gasping for breath.) (Camera zooms down toward his chest and into his chest.) Robbins: (V.O.) Asphyxia due to mechanical compression of the lungs due to gastric dilatation. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Robbins: His stomach expanded, leaving no room for the organs. It's going to keep me on my diet for a couple more weeks. Let's take a look. (Robbins takes a scalpel and cuts the stomach open.) Robbins: Ooh, the guy was a walking buffet. Catherine: Multiple contusions. He's got a band of dead tissue on his wrist. No fingernails. Robbins: Cuticle's are inflamed and still intact. They weren't pulled off. They were bitten down ... At first I thought tortured and force-fed, but the usual signs of force feeding are absent. No abrasions on the mucosal surface of the lips. No aspirated food in the airways. Catherine: So what are you thinking now? Robbins: He ate himself to death. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. AUNT JACKPOT'S PRETZELS VENDOR STAND -- DAY] (Catherine shows a worker a photo of the dead man found in the garbage bin.) Catherine: Do you recognize this face? Pretzel Vendor: I know exactly who that is. Man, dude's crazy. Catherine: Dude got a name? Pretzel Vendor: No name. Oh, but I got a wallet. Catherine: What, he left it behind? Pretzel Vendor: More like he threw it. (Quick flashback to: The man rushes up to the pretzel stand, pushing the other customers waiting out of the way.) Jerry Gable: Pretzel, thank you, please. Pretzel Vendor: Hey, pal. Where's your manners? Jerry Gable: Just one pretzel, please. Pretzel Vendor: Oh, no, no, no, no. Jerry Gable: Just a quick, fast one. (He pulls out his wallet.) Jerry Gable: Come on. Pretzel Vendor: No, no. (He grabs a pretzel and leaves his wallet behind.) Pretzel Vendor: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I said no! Excuse me. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Catherine looks inside the empty wallet.) Pretzel Vendor: See, salty pretzel's $1.50. Only a dollar in the wallet. Jerk. (Inside the wallet, Catherine also finds a photo of Jerry with his sister, Sophie and another man.) Pretzel Vendor: Hey, and I took the money, by the way. (Catherine finds the following in the wallet: * a bus pass for DEC 2005; * a business card for DIGGER JAMES, Sport Promoter, EXTREME EATING FEDERATION Phone: (702) 555-0198 Fax: (702) 555-0199 ) Pretzel Vendor: I didn't care. Oh, I saw that. Sports promotions. Man, I seen his gut, man. He don't look like he no athlete. Catherine: They're calling poker players athletes these days. Seen the guts on them? Hey, can I get a pineapple cinnamon? Pretzel Vendor: Oh, okay, good choice. Catherine: Thank you. (The pretzel vendor turns to get her order. Catherine takes out the phone and dials the number on the card.) Voice (woman): (recording) O198. Please leave your message after the tone. (Catherine hangs up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (The dog kennel box is at the lab. It's tagged and labeled.) Jesse Menken: All right, let's take a look at our Cujo. (She opens the box and pulls out the muzzled dog. The dog whines softly.) Jesse Menken: Yeah, she's ferocious. Nick: Yeah, yeah, I'm petrified. So what's the outside chance of rabies? Jesse Menken: She's not salivating excessively or showing any signs of hydrophobia, but rabies doesn't present immediately. She'll be quarantined for the next ten days. Nick: Well, other than rabies, what would make a dog attack its owner? Abuse? Jesse Menken: Abused animals may turn violent. Head traumas may induce unprovoked aggression. And there's always springer rage. Nick: Yeah, yeah, I hate that show, too. (She chuckles.) (She clips a sample of the dog's hair and puts it in a bindle.) Jesse Menken: It's a form of epilepsy associated with several breeds, including springers and retrievers. Man's best friend will back you corner and attack. Five minutes later, she's licking your face as if nothing ever happened. I'll suppose you want bite impressions? Nick: Yeah, I'll prep the microsil, if you prep the pooch. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (Sara interviews Missy Halter.) (She shows her a photo of the car, license #656-DHL.) Sara: This car is registered to you, Ms. Halter? Missy Halter: Yeah. So? Sara: And why was it in the Tinsleys' driveway? Missy Halter: I lent it to Michael; his Beemer's in the shop. I want it back. (She points to herself.) This was not meant for public transit. Sara: And your relationship with Michael Tinsley is? Missy Halter: Why is that any of your business? I'm his girlfriend, okay? Sara: How does his wife feel about that? Missy Halter: (scoffs) Not my problem. They're separated, getting divorced. Michael lives with me. I want to talk to Michael now. Sara: Were you at Lori Tinsley's house last night? Missy Halter: No. I've never been inside that psuedo Cape Cod dump. Sara: If you've never been there, then how do you know it's a pseudo Cape Cod dump? Missy Halter: I know her taste. Sara: Well, your fingerprints were at the scene. In fact, you helped yourself to the record collection. (She shows her an AFIS REPORT from a fingerprint found at the scene.) Missy Halter: That's why I'm here? Because you think I stole some albums? What did Michael tell you? Sara: Not much. Missy Halter: Look, he said Lori was planning on selling his vinyls. So, last week, when she was out and he was at work, he gave me the keys, the alarm code and a list of albums he couldn't live without. (Quick flashback to: [INT. TINSLEY RESIDENCE - DAY] Missy Halter walks into the house and opens the cabinet. The dog comes around her and she hits the dog. The dog yelps.) (She goes back to removing the records from the cabinet.) (End of flashback.) Missy Halter: Michael's owned those records since high school. He has the white album, autographed by Paul McCartney. Sara: And he didn't break into the house himself because ... because ... Missy Halter: ... he needed an alibi in case Lori pressed charges. Look, I am trying to be helpful here, but I'm not saying another word until you let me talk to Michael. Sara: You have the right to remain silent, but Michael Tinsley and Lori Tinsley are dead. (Missy Halter is surprised by the news.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Hodges gets a bucket of the stomach contents. He's grossed out by it, puts his head gear down and pours it out into a flat bin. He picks out the larger pieces of whole or near-whole hot dogs and puts it in a container.) (He picks out more pieces and puts it in a second container.) (He sifts out some of the smaller pieces and puts it in another container.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Hodges has various containers lined up on the table and labeled.) (Catherine walks in.) Catherine: Oh, nice look. (Hodges has a clothespin pinned to his nose.) Catherine: That'll guarantee you the chicks. Hodges: Silvery material on your vic's face was graftobian theatrical makeup. Moonlight Silver is the color. (Catherine starts laughing. Grissom walks in.) Hodges: Okay, look, I can't stand the smell of hot dogs. They make me sick. Grissom: So, all this stuff was in the vic's stomach? Hodges: Among other things. You know what the worst kind of burp is? Hot dog burp. You know, like your dad's just letting them loose, or maybe the ex-girlfriend ... (Hodges removes the clothespin from his nose.) Hodges: Well, as you can see, he wasn't much of a chewer, which was very lucky for us. Made it easier to identify the food. Cake, mac and cheese, pretzels, pasta, beef, shrimp, fish and, of course, hot dogs. Grissom: Food normally takes two to four hours to digest, which means he ate all of this ... Hodges: In two to four hours before he died. Catherine: How many hot dogs did he eat? Hodges: Approximately twenty. Catherine: God, ugh. Do you think we might be able to ID the makers of the hot dogs from the ingredients? Hodges: No. Believe it or not, most hot dog companies are very proprietary over their recipes. Catherine: Well, how about through the griddle marks? Hodges: Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just run it through the hot dog appliance database. Grissom: When was the last time you saw a branded logo on a hot dog? Catherine: Looks like those novelty chatter teeth. Weird. Hodges: You think that's weird? Check this out. (He puts a container in front of them.) Hodges: This was in his stomach, too. (Grissom takes out the piece of paper. It's an ad.) Catherine: "Circus Town Buffet." Grissom: "All-U-Can-Eat." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CIRCUS TOWN BUFFET - DAY] (Catherine and Brass show the buffet manager a picture of Jerry Gable.) Buffet Manager: I know exactly who that is. How could I forget him? (Quick flashback to: Jerry Gable is eating the buffet.) Buffet Manager: (V.O.) He didn't even wait to sit down. (Jerry fills his plates up and eats at the buffet table. The buffet manager stands on the side watching him eat and eat and eat.) Buffet Manager: (to radio) Hi, we've got a problem. Hurry up before the food's gone. (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Buffet Manager: I called security to kick him out. When they arrived, he was gone. Brass: Kick him out? Sign outside says, "All-U-Can-Eat." Buffet Manager: Look, he was taking it a little too far. Catherine: Well, he paid, didn't he? Buffet Manager: Yeah, cash. Catherine: So he still had his wallet. Do you have any surveillance on your register? Buffet Manager: For the $1.99 buffet? That would be a no. Catherine: And are those the only hot dogs that you serve? Buffet Manager: Yeah, we're famous for our cocktail wieners. You should try one. Brass: I think we need a couple of cocktails first. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Nick and Sara walk through the hallway and discuss the case.) Nick: DNA confirmed all the blood at the crime scene is Lori Tinsley's. Sara: Sofia talked to their divorce lawyers. Michael and Lori were fighting over everything -- the house, the cars, her jewelry. When she found out that he was stealing his stuff back, she had the locks and the alarm codes changed. Nick: (chuckles) Well, Michael did send his girlfriend Missy over to retrieve his vinyl, but last night he broke in himself, not to mention she was home. That's kind of asking for trouble, isn't it? (They enter the DNA Lab.) Sara: Yeah, divorce is war, huh? Sure glad I don't have that problem. Nick: Yeah, me either. Hodges. (Hodges has his back to them as he looks through a scope.) Hodges: I'm not done with your samples, okay? And I just received the fingernail scrapings. Sara: Well, I sent the scrapings to DNA. Hodges: DNA kicked them over to me. There were no biologicals in the sample. Nick: Have you processed the hairs yet? Hodges: That, I have done. All the hairs lifted off the victims' clothes were consistent with each other. There's a sample under the scope. (Sara looks through the scope.) Hodges: Root is shaped like a spade which is indicative of canine, and the scale pattern is consistent with a golden retriever. Sara: Oh, yeah, the victims have a golden retriever. Hodges: Well, if you'd cracked that mystery at the scene, you would've saved me a lot of time. (sighs) I've been working like a dog. Nick: You know, studies have found that pet owners have lower stress levels. You should check that out. Hodges: Well, I had hamsters growing up. My mother hated them. She said they stank up my room, but I just loved to watch them spinning on their little wheels. One day I came home and they were gone. Somehow they'd gotten out of their cage. Sara: How much did your mother hate them? Hodges: They ran away. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (David Phillips washes Lori Tinsley's neck. He walks around the body and snaps photos of the marks on her neck.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (David Phillips x-rays Michael Tinsley's body.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Robbins saws through Michael Tinsley's head to examine the brain. He removes a bullet and puts it in a pan.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY - DAY] (Sara is holding the bullet. She and Nick both appear very surprised by the find. Robbins reports his findings to them.) Nick: Michael Tinsley was shot? Robbins: Yeah, the bullet penetrated the base of the brain and lodged in the occipital lobe. The hemorrhage was intracranial. Nick: Looks like a .22 caliber. Robbins: Yeah, the scalp abrasion was probably incidental. Sara: We did not check the house for GSR; we didn't know he was shot. Robbins: That's understandable -- the entry wound wasn't visible -- but check this out. (Robbins pushes the rod through the opening in the brain and it comes out through the right nostril.) Robbins: Some people will put anything up their nose. Sara: So, Michael Tinsley breaks into his own house, the alarm goes off, all hell breaks loose. She shoots him, the bullet goes up his nose, and then what? Kahlua freaks and rips out the wife's throat? Robbins: It's possible, which is another reason I prefer cats. Nick: The Tinsleys died at home ... alone. So, where's the gun? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - DAY] (Grissom is in his office when Greg walks in carrying two grocery bags.) Greg: I went shopping. Bought every brand of hot dog for sale in Las Vegas. Grissom: Who's paying for it? Greg: You mean the lab's not going to reimburse me? Grissom: No. Greg: Well, I couldn't identify the chatter teeth logo, so I figured I could physically match one of these to the one found in the victim's stomach, you know? Maybe comparing that twisty thing at the end. Grissom: Sounds like a good idea, Greg. I'm still not paying for it. Greg: Fine -- guess I'll just eat hot dogs for the rest of the year. Grissom: "A hot dog at the ballpark tastes better than a steak at the Ritz." Greg: Well, I can tell when you're quoting something. (Greg sits down in the chair.) Who said it? Grissom: Humphrey Bogart. Greg: Mm. Grissom: Did you know that the term "hot dog" was actually coined at a baseball game? (Greg shakes his head.) Grissom: New York Polo Grounds, somewhere around 1867. A German butcher was selling what he called "dachshund sausages" out of his pie wagon. He put them on a roll, so that his customers wouldn't burn their fingers. He'd yell out "Get your dachshund sausages, they're red hot!" Soon, all the vendors at the polo grounds were selling them, too. But they were too lazy to say "dachshund sausages," so they just called them "hot dogs." Greg: Now there's over 50 major brands. Grissom: Good luck. I'm rooting for you. Greg: Well, hopefully I find a wiener. (Greg stands up and leaves. After a beat, Grissom shakes his head.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (Greg takes out the hot dog packages from the grocery bags and sets them on the table. He opens the first package and looks at the end, comparing it to the original.) (It's not a match. He sets the hot dog aside and opens the second package. He compares it.) (Dissolve to: He continues to compare hot dog ends to the original.) (He continues to compare hot dogs.) (Finally, he finds a match.) (He looks at the package: NEL'S. He flips the package over and sees the following ad on the bottom of the flap, "Win a Trip to the Hot Dog Eating Tournament in Las Vegas", and "Details Under Label".) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. EXTREME EATING FEDERATION -- DAY] (A man in a hot dog costume holds up a sign: NEL'S REGIONAL HOT DOG EATING TOURNAMENT -- TODAY -- IN PRIZE MONEY ) Digger James: Gut check, one, two! Gut check! Ladies and gentlemen! Time for the bib sheets. (Close-up of: A hot dog is 'branded' with a logo.) Digger James: Today's match will include some of the most famous gurgitators in the sport. Let's start with one of the finest: The godfather of the sport has a mouth so big he speaks in surround sound, ladies and gentlemen. Three-time lasagna-eating champion, Antonio Colletti. (Antonio stands up.) Antonio Colletti: Yeah! Digger James: Patty cake, patty cake, baker's man, she can eat a cake faster than anyone can. Current cupcake champion and the most elegant eater in the sport, Patty Cake Newton. (Patty Cake stands up and blows kisses to the crowd. Catherine and Brass are in the crowd.) Digger James: Our most vocal gurgitator ... Catherine: There's the chatter teeth logo. Brass: EXEF Wasn't that the name on the business card you found in the vic's wallet? Catherine: I think we just found our Digger James. Digger James: ... He's said to have two stomachs! Undisputed popcorn shrimp champion, James "Spare Tank" Patterson. (James Patterson stands up and belches loudly.) Digger James: And finally, known for his jaw strength, trains with his pit bulls, three-time rib champion -- today he will be wearing the EXEF Hot dog camera -- Marty Mayron, "the meat machine!" (Marty stands up and barks to the crowd.) Digger James: All right, gurgitators, you have twelve minutes to eat your way into history. (The starting gun is fired and the contestants dig in to the plate of hot dogs in front of them.) Digger James: They're diving straight in there. Marty Mayron going with the Japanese, dipping his bun in lemonade to make it go down easier and then biting that hot dog into little pieces. Not to be outdone, Miomoto going for the double Japanese. Colletti, the old pro, double-fisting it, double-dunking it. That is a Heimlich waiting to happen. (The clock reads 10 minutes to go ... ) [SCENE_BREAK] (The clock reads 3 minutes to go ... ) Digger James: ... Is not fooling around -- He's doing a reverse Japanese: Bun first, hot dog afterwards. Sort of a "dachshund chaser." Still pushing it, going old school, like a little kid trying to impress his grandmother at Thanksgiving dinner. Patty Cake going mostly cakey on that one. You can almost see the icing on that hot dog. Colletti having a bit of a problem. Something's slowing him down. (Colletti stands up and throws up on the side of his chair.) Digger James: Whoa! Antonio Colletti, a reversal of fortune. That's an immediate disqualification, and, of course, disgusting for all of us to watch. (One of the officials pulls Colletti aside.) Brass: Wow. Catherine: Well, which one do you want? The guy in the silver face paint or Digger James? Brass: I don't know -- slimy stuff is your thing. I don't want to get mustard on my suit. I'll take Digger. Catherine: Do I have a choice? LATER: (The contest is over and the winner holds up his trophy. Brass interviews Digger James and shows him a photo of Jerry Gable.) Brass: Hey, you recognize this guy? Digger James: That's Jerry. By far, one of the best walk-on gurgitators I've ever seen. Brass: So you gave him your business card, right? Digger James: I'm the U.S. rep for the EXEF. Brass: All right, EXEF. What exactly does that stand for? Digger James: It's the Extreme Eating Federation. We're one of the most popular leagues in the sport. Brass: Pounding down hot dogs, that's a sport? Digger James: Since the early days of man. You got thirty Neanderthals in a cave and a rabbit walks in, you have a competitive eating situation, my friend. We have rules, records, prize money. Some of our top competitors earn up to a half a million dollars a year. We're on cable. Brass: No kidding. Well, what does all this have to do with Jerry? Digger James: Everything. Jerry had undeniable gastro-intestinal fortitude. He took third in yesterday's competition. That qualifies him for the finals in Atlantic City. It made the Las Vegas Post. Brass: Hmm. Digger James: Sports section. (Quick flashback to: [CONTEST] Jerry is wolfing down hot dogs.) Digger James: Jerry Gable is pounding those dogs. (The hot dog girl changes his hot dog count from 16 to 17 ... to 22.) Digger James: Third place goes to walk-on "An Amazing Job" Jerry Gable! (Digger James hands Jerry his trophy.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) (Brass looks at the newspaper with a photo of Jerry smiling and waving.) Brass: Can I keep this? Digger James: Sure. Brass: Thanks. Digger James: I'm telling you, with proper training, Jerry could've proudly represented the U.S. and taken back the golden weenie from the Japanese champion. Brass: Yeah, got to get that golden weenie back. (Digger James nods.) Brass: Uh, so after the tournament, did you see Jerry? Digger James: Paid him, gave him my card, left him to celebrate. Brass: Any idea who he was celebrating with? (Behind them, Catherine interviews Marty Mayron.) Marty Mayron: You want a sample of my face paint? Catherine: Yeah, it's part of my investigation. (She reaches out and touches the silver paint on his face.) Catherine: Oh, it's still moist. That's good for me. Marty Mayron: I didn't do anything to Jerry Gable. Okay, in the beginning, I admit I was a little pee'd off that I lost to the guy. But then I learned what a disturbed individual he was. (Quick flashback to: [AFTER THE CONTEST] Jerry Gable walks around searching for more food.) Jerry Gable: Couple more! Just, just, just, just, a couple ... couple more! Has anybody got more hot dogs? Please! Marty Mayron: What are you trying to prove, huh? (Someone hands him something. It's not what he wants and he throws it on the floor.) Jerry Gable: Just give me more! Marty Mayron: Trying to be a big guy, tough guy, huh? (Frustrated, Jerry bangs his head against the hot dog counting sign.) Jerry Gable: Please, please! (Jerry turns and bumps into Marty Mayron.) (End of flashback.) Catherine: And what happened after the friendly hug? Marty Mayron: Some guy in a hat came by, took him out of here. (Catherine shows him the photo found in Jerry's wallet. He looks at the third man in the photo, a man in a blue hat.) Catherine: Is that the guy in the hat? Marty Mayron: Sure is. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS COMMUNITY (STOCK) -- DAY] [INT. TINSLEY RESIDENCE -- DAY] (Sara enters the house and closes the door behind her. She looks down at the pool of blood on the floor.) (Quick flashback to: The dog barks and Lori screams. End of flashback.) (Sara checks the floor in front of the couch and sees a skid mark.) (Quick flashback to: The dog barks and the gun slides under the couch. End of flashback.) (She checks under the couch and finds the gun.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB - DAY] (Nick takes the mold of Kahlua's teeth and makes an impression of them.) (He takes a clear plastic and places it over the photo of the wounds on Lori's neck. He circles the bite marks with a pen. He compares the marks on the neck with the mold.) (They don't match.) (Sara walks in.) Sara: So I found the murder weapon. It slipped under the living room couch -- presumably when Kahlua attacked Lori. Nick: Well, a dog did attack Lori, but it wasn't Kahlua. The bite marks on Lori's neck are inconsistent with Kahlua's teeth. Sara: Oh, which means Kahlua gets to walk. Nick: Check out this left canine. Sara: The tooth is chipped. Nick: All the dog hair we found at the crime scene was consistent with a golden retriever, which suggests there was another golden retriever in the house. It could've attacked Lori, fled out the kitchen door. Sara: That is like saying there's a second shooter on the grassy knoll -- they only had one dog, Nick. Nick: I'm calling Animal Control. We're looking for another golden retriever, one with a bad tooth and rotten disposition. (He pulls his phone out to make the call.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. CSI - BREAK ROOM -- NIGHT] (Robbins is carrying a large package and walking down the hallway to the break room. He sees Warrick at the vending machines.) Robbins: Little late to be going to court. Warrick: No, I'm not going to court. I'm taking my Lady Tina to that new Cirque show at the Wynn and I forgot my tickets in my locker. Robbins: That's nice, but if you're looking for something to tide you over, look no further. (Robbins takes a pie out from the package.) Robbins: Busy night. Figured the lab could use a little lovin' from the oven. Warrick: Oh, your wife made a pie. Robbins: I made the pie. Strawberry rhubarb. Warrick: I'm impressed. (Robbins slices a piece and throws it down on the plate.) Warrick: Let's take it easy with the cutting there, doc, it's starting to look like the hit-and-run on your table last week. Robbins: Just try it. Warrick: Thanks. Robbins: You know, it's vegan. Low fat, low sugar, low carb ... Warrick: Low taste. (Robbins turns and catches Catherine walking down the hallway.) Robbins: Catherine, Catherine, come here. I need your opinion on this. (He cuts a second piece and tries to give it to her.) Robbins: Try this. Catherine: No, thank you, I just came from Nel's hot dog eating tournament. I'm really done with food. Robbins: It's good. Warrick: I was watching that on cable. Some Japanese guy ate, like, 64 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Catherine: Yeah. He's was the most famous guy in Japan behind Yao Ming. Robbins: Yao Ming is Chinese. Try it. Catherine: They ought to make it an Olympic sport or something. Catherine: Please? No, I can't go there. I can't. Warrick: You know, if you want to cleanse your taste buds, I suggest you try Doc Robbins' pie. Really. (Warrick turns to leave.) Catherine: Yeah, that's why you're leaving it behind. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE -- NIGHT] (Grissom is reading when Catherine walks in.) Catherine: I got an ID on dumpster guy. Brass is tracking down a current address. Grissom: Prader-Willi. Catherine: No, his name was Jerry Gable. Grissom: No, Prader-Willi syndrome. A rare gentic disorder that causes ceaseless, uncontrollable excruciating hunger. It's as if your stomach was truly a bottomless pit. (Catherine sits down.) Catherine: That could explain why after consuming twenty-two dogs, he wanted more. Could also explain why he was found in the dumpster. He followed the food. Grissom: Prader-Willi syndrome is characterized by short stature, hypotonia, almond-shaped eyes, and obsessive fingernail biting. Catherine: That kind of fits the victim's description. Grissom: Sufferers are born with a flawed hypothalamus. Normal hypothalamus receives a signal from the stomach -- "I'm full, stop eating." (Quick flashback to: [CONTEST] Jerry eats the hot dogs during the contest. Camera follows the piece of hot dog into his mouth.) (CGI EFX: The piece of hot dog and bun go down his throat and into his stomach.) (Blue sparks representing the signal from the stomach travels up to the brain. The brain doesn't receive or acknowledge it.) Grissom: (V.O.) But with Prader-Willi syndrome, the signal never reaches the brain. (End of CGI EFX. Resume to flashback.) (Jerry Gable scrambles through the grounds looking for more food. He goes from spot to spot, focusing on the food people eat.) (End of flashback.) Grissom: They're always hungry. Catherine: Like having a full tank of gas, and gauge is stuck on empty. Grissom: Guy's like Jerry are monitored their whole lives. Constant supervision 24 hours a day. You remember the scar tissue we found on his wrist? (Quick flashback to: Jerry Gable sits in a chair with his right wrist restrained. He struggles. End of flashback.) Grissom: I think it's possible that our vic spent most of his life in restraints. Catherine: So either he escaped or ... someone set him free. Grissom: In which case, they'd be responsible for his death. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - NIGHT] (Hodges catches Nick in the hallway.) Hodges: I heard your case has gone to the dogs. Nick: Oh, Hodges, heel. No, better yet, play dead, man. Hodges: Play nice, I'm throwing you a bone. The fingernail scrapings from your female vic was baking grease. (He hands Nick the results.) How does that fit in the puzzle? (Nick stops walking as he thinks about it. He walks away, handing the results back to Hodges as he leaves.) [INT. CSI - LAB - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Nick finds Sara in one of the lab rooms.) Nick: Hey. Sara: According to the court records, the Tinsleys weren't just fighting over property. They were also engaged in an expensive custody battle. Nick: Custody over what? They didn't have any kids. Sara: They had Kahlua. And evidently, yesterday both parties agreed to let the dog decide for herself. According to Michael's girlfriend, the dog was his, but Kahlua chose Lori. (Quick flashback to: Kahlua stands next to a man as both Lori and Michael call Kahlua over.) Lori Tinsley: Here, Kahlua. Michael Tinsley: Come here. Lori Tinsley: Come on, Kahlua. Michael Tinsley: Come here. Lori Tinsley: Come on. Michael Tinsley: Hey. Lori Tinsley: Come to Mama, sweetie. (Kahlua goes over to Lori.) Lori Tinsley: Yeah. (End of flashback.) (Nick puts it together.) Nick: I think I know why. (Quick flashback to: Before the meeting, Lori rubs her fingers against some bacon.) Nick: (V.O.) Lori greased up before the big face-off. LATER: (Lori claps her hands in front of her trying to get Kahlua to her. The scene indicated in blue grease moves from her hands ... ) Lori Tinsley: Here, Kahlua. Michael Tinsley: Come here. Lori Tinsley: Come on, Kahlua. Michael Tinsley: Come here, come on. Lori Tinsley: Come on. Michael Tinsley: Come here. Lori Tinsley: Kahlua, come. (... and straight to Kahlua's nose. Kahlua smells the bacon and heads for Lori.) Lori Tinsley: Come to Mama, sweetie. Yeah. (End of flashback.) Nick: A dog's sense of smell is 25 times more sensitive than humans. Bacon grease would've been pretty irresistible. Sara: Question is ... "Did Michael know that Lori was playing dirty?" (Nick's cell phone rings; he answers it.) Nick: Stokes. Yeah, all right, cool. Our suspect is in custody. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY LIGHTS (STOCK)] [INT. CSI - LAB] (Nick and Sara meet up with Jesse Menken and Kahlua 2.) Jesse Menken: Animal Control picked her up near Centennial Park, called the number on the tag, left a voice mail. Sara: Dead people don't return calls. Nick: New collar, new tags. Kahlua. Same name. Jesse Menken: Spoke to Animal Control. Kahlua number two was adopted the same day as the murder. You want to guess the adopter's name? Nick: Michael Tinsley. You bet. Sara: He adopted Kahlua's doppelganger. Nick: Left tooth is chipped. Confirm's ID. She doesn't seem very ferocious. Jesse Menken: You want to see ferocious? Nick: Yeah. (Jesse puts Kahlua 2 into the kennel box and closes the door. She motions to someone down the hallway.) (A gun is fired.) (Kahlua 2 barks ferociously.) Sara: How did you know? Jesse Menken: When the guys loaded her up into the Animal Control van, they slammed the door and she went off. Nick: So the gun acted as a trigger. She heard it and attacked Lori. Jesse Menken: Probably abused in the past. If they'd known, they never would've put her up for adoption. Sara: Michael broke into the house intending to swap dogs, hoping that Lori wouldn't even notice the difference. (Quick flashback to: [EXT./INT. TINSLEY RESIDENCE - NIGHT] Michael breaks into the back door with a pocket knife. The alarm goes off.) SHORT TIME CUT TO: (Lori and Michael are arguing in front of the two dogs.) Michael Tinsley: You don't give a damn about Kahlua! You just don't want me to have her! Lori Tinsley: You care more about that stupid dog than you did me! Michael Tinsley: For once you got it right! (Lori goes to the desk drawer and takes out a gun.) (They struggle for the gun. The gun fires and hits Michael. Michael falls to the ground. Kahlua 2 attacks Lori.) (Kahlua 2 runs away.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Sara: When Kahlua number two took off, Kahlua number one came out of hiding. (Quick flashback to: Kahlua approaches Michael and nudges him. Kahlua then goes over to Lori and nudges her. He licks some of the blood getting it on him and his paws, turns, then leaves.) (End of flashback.) Nick: The police showed up, she got scared , went back to her closet. Sara: Their marriage ended in a dog fight, and only the dog survived. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE GABLE APARTMENT - DAY] (Brass and Catherine walk down the hallway.) Brass: So I called about a dozen Jerry Gables. One had an answering machine for Jerry and Suzie Gable. This apartment is listed to Jerry and Suzie Gable. Here's Suzie. (Brass hands a copy of the NEVADA DRIVER LICENSE to Catherine. It reads: LIC # 1800592214 EXPIRES 05-12-2006 SSN: 503-45-734 CLASS: C BIRTHDATE: 05-12-1977 s*x: F HEIGHT: 5'4" WEIGHT: 105 EYES: BRN HAIR: BLN SUSAN GABLE 16 S. MEADOWS LN #103 LAS VEGAS, NV 89101 ) (Brass knocks on the door.) Brass: Las Vegas Police. (The door opens.) Suzie's Boyfriend: Please tell me you found Jerry. (Catherine and Brass look at each other.) [INT. GABLE APARTMENT - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Inside the apartment, there are locks on all the cabinets and refrigerator.) Brass: Okay, so who are you? Suzie's Boyfriend: I'm Susie's boyfriend. Brass: All right, Susie's boyfriend, what's your name? (As Brass questions Suzie's boyfriend, Catherine looks around the apartment.) Suzie's Boyfriend: Look, I don't have anything else to say. Hey, that's my easiest question. Catherine: Hey, you don't want to give us your name, fine, but you better explain why Jerry's not in this chair. (Suzie's boyfriend doesn't say anything.) Catherine: All right, look, I'm going to print this restraint. And when I find your fingerprints all over it, I won't need to ask you again. Suzie's Boyfriend: Okay, okay, all right. He escaped. All right? I was supposed to be watching him, and I conked out for a second, and by the time I got up, he was gone from his chair. Brass: He escaped? So, what, the guy's Houdini? Suzie's Boyfriend: Trust me. He may have been slow, but he was manipulative. Brass: Yeah. Suzie's Boyfriend: Look, how do you deny a 30-year-old man food? I mean, I felt like I was torturing the poor guy. (Quick flashback to: Suzie's boyfriend is on the phone. Jerry is strapped in his chair, biting his fingernails.) Suzie's Boyfriend: (to phone) Yeah, I told you them Vikings suck. All right, I'll meet you at the Circus Town Book. (He hangs up.) Jerry Gable: Can I go to Circus Town with you? I heard the buffet there is yummy. (He shows the ad in the paper to Suzie's boyfriend.) Suzie's Boyfriend: No. (Jerry turns in his chair, rips out the ad and eats it.) (End of flashback. Resume to present.) Suzie's Boyfriend: My plan was just to drop him off at the buffet while I went back to the sports book. By the time I got back ... oh, man ... (Quick flashback to: [INT. CIRCUS TOWN BUFFET - DAY] Suzie's boyfriend returns to the buffet. Jerry is gorging himself on the food.) (Just then, the man dressed in a hot dog costume carrying a billboard sign for NEL'S REGIONAL HOT DOG EATING TOURNAMENT walks in through the door.) (Suzie's boyfriend focuses in on the $10,000 PRIZE MONEY.) (He looks at Jerry.) (End of flashback.) Suzie's Boyfriend: I couldn't help myself. I had to sign him up. Brass: So let me guess -- you blew his winnings at the sports book? Suzie's Boyfriend: Well, what was he gonna do with them? He's been strapped to a damn chair his whole life. Brass: You know, you managed to supersize a combo of two deadly sins -- greed and gluttony. Shame on you. So what's he doing in a dumpster? Suzie's Boyfriend: I don't know. Was there food in the dumpster? 'Cause when we were on our way home, Jerry was still hungry. Wanted to hit up Krispy Kreme. And by the time I could tell him no, he was running off down the street. I looked for him all night. Brass: Yeah? Where's Susie? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HOSPITAL - SUZIE'S ROOM - DAY] (Catherine talks with Suzie Gable, who is in bed after surgery.) Suzie Gable: I knew I shouldn't have left Jerry with my boyfriend. I'd been calling to check in. He wasn't answering. I could tell something was up. Catherine: Why did you leave your brother with somebody you didn't trust? Suzie Gable: There was no one else. I had to get this surgery today or my insurance wasn't going to cover it. Catherine: Couldn't you have left him with a family member? Suzie Gable: We have no family. Our parents died in a car crash years ago. Catherine: What about some kind of professional help? Suzie Gable: I'm a waitress, Miss. I ... I don't make much. There's a really nice institution in Summerlin, but it costs a $100,000 a year. And the last babysitter I hired, Jerry beat up trying to get to the fridge. I swear to you, I really tried to take care of my brother. I really ... did the best I could. (She turns away, crying. Catherine takes out the photo of Jerry in the newspaper. Jerry is holding the trophy and smiling.) (The caption reads: Jerry Gable takes 3rd in Nel's Regional Hot Dog Eating Tournament yesterday.) Suzie Gable: Jerry took third place? Catherine: (smiling) Yeah. Suzie Gable: I bet he had the time of his life.

Grissom and Catherine investigate the death of a man found in a dumpster, who is found to have had a severe eating disorder. Meanwhile, Nick and Sara investigate the death of a couple of the brink of a bitter divorce, in which evidence seems to point to the couple's dog.

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The Smugglers 5:55pm - 6:20pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CAPTAIN PIKE'S CABIN (The series theme music ends. The serial title appears on the screen over the image of Captain PIKE's metal spike which replaces his lost left hand.) THE SMUGGLERS (The serial title fades out. The writer credit appears.) by BRIAN HAYLES (The writer credit fades out. The episode title appears.) (The episode title fades out. The scene changes to a full view of the cabin.) PIKE: Well, by thunder you'll talk to me or my name's not Samuel Pike. DOCTOR: I can tell you nothing, sir. CHERUB: They talked, Captain. I saw 'em. Holy Joe whispered in his ear secret-like. DOCTOR: I do not know this Holy Joe that you keep referring to. PIKE: Holy Joe Longfoot, an old shipmate of ours. Blast his eyes. CHERUB: The Churchwarden to you, Sawbones. DOCTOR: He was a member of your crew? PIKE: Him and me and Cherub was all mates together, serving under Avery. DOCTOR: Avery!? (The DOCTOR becomes lost in thought, trying to recall the name.) CHERUB: Aye, Captain Avery. The sharpest skipper to ever sail out of Bristol port. PIKE: Aye, and one of the blackest. Morgan was a woman aside 'a him. DOCTOR: Of course, of course! Avery the pirate! Heh, heh! I should have known. Hmm, hmm. CHERUB: Don't come the innocent with us, Sawbones. You know what Joe was hiding. PIKE: He took plunder that was rightfully ours, and we mean to get it back, and you may lay to that. CHERUB: He died before he talked to me, but he told you something. PIKE: You're going to tell us, ain't ya. Eh?... (Angrily.) Eh? CHERUB: Ohh, let me make him talk, Captain. (PIKE laughs, then sits down and tries a softer approach.) PIKE: Old man, are ye truly a Sawbones? DOCTOR: I would prefer you to use the correct term, sir. I am a doctor. PIKE: Well, Doctor, ye had best start using your cleverness. So talk, before I let Cherub have ye. CHERUB: Let me show him first, Captain, eh? Let me give him a taste of Thomas Tickler. (CHERUB shows his knife threateningly to the DOCTOR.) PIKE: He'd be a credit to your trade, would Cherub, Doctor. A... touch like an angel's wing he has with that blade. CHERUB: Sharp as a whistle, it is. Ever seen a head with no ears, Sawbones, eh? Or what them Mexican Indians can do to a bloke's eyelids, eh? DOCTOR: You vicious fellow! Get him off my back! CHERUB: Don't you talk to me like that. Oh, Captain, give me the word. Just give me one minute. I'll have the words spilling out of him like blubber from a whale. PIKE: Well, Doctor? Will ye loosen your tongue...or lose it altogether? [SCENE_BREAK] 2. JAIL CELL (BEN and POLLY are locked in a small cell with a cot in it and straw heaped in a corner. The door has a small window with bars in it.) BEN: (Sighs.) Awww, of all the bloomin' fixes to be in. POLLY: I don't know. I find it pretty exciting. BEN: Oh, you would. But I don't go a bomb on this, and I can't very well report back to a Seventeenth Century navy. POLLY: Ah, you've got no imagination, that's your trouble. It's great! BEN: Ohh, great. Stuck in jail for murder. (BEN sits down on the cot next to POLLY) BEN: Oh, honest. Who'd have our luck? (Sighs.) POLLY: The point is, how on earth are we gonna get out of here? There must be some way. BEN: Well, there better be. I'm not gonna swing for that old nut case at the church. POLLY: (Gasps.) Ben! BEN: What? POLLY: Look in the corner! It's a rat! BEN: Oh, shut up screaming. (He teases her while she moans and complains.) You big baby. Be quiet. POLLY: Oh nooo. I can't bear them. Oh, please do something about it. Oh no. I hate... (During the commotion TOM, the innkeeper's servant, appears in the window of the door.) TOM: What you screaming for? BEN: Oh, nothing, We're just happy, mate, that's all. POLLY: What's your name? Didn't we see you at the inn? TOM: Name's Tom. I've been put in charge of you prisoners. I've got the keys. (Suddenly accusatory.) But I'm not to speak with you murderers. BEN: But we didn't kill him. TOM: Only a stranger'd kill the Churchwarden. You're strangers. BEN: But we're not the only ones. What about the geezers who kidnapped the Doctor? TOM: (Suspiciously.) No one else has seen them. POLLY: But they were there. How else do you suppose the Doctor would disappear? (Tom appears to think about it for a moment, then dismisses the idea and leaves the window.) BEN: Aww, the daft nit. What'd he think it was, magic? POLLY: Ben, that's it! BEN: Aye? What is? POLLY: In the Seventeenth Century they were terribly superstitious. They still believed in witches. BEN: So what you gonna do, fly out of here on a broomstick? POLLY: No, but I think I've got a plan. Now wait, look. If we get this st... Oh no, the rat's in the corner! You get me some straw, will you please? (BEN laughs then gathers straw from the corner and hands it to POLLY, who begins fashioning a doll with it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. EXTERIOR OF THE INN (KEWPER the innkeeper leaves his inn and locks the door behind him. He then makes his way to the harbor, where he gets into a rowboat and begins rowing out to sea.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. PIKE'S CABIN (PIKE and the DOCTOR continue their conversation while CHERUB watches the DOCTOR suspiciously.) DOCTOR: If I am to reveal something of what I know, then I demand consideration, sir. CHERUB: Don't listen to him, Captain. There's trickery afoot. DOCTOR: (Frustrated.) Oh, I find your friend rather a bore, but you...I think a gentleman. So let us talk like gentlemen. Hmm, hmm? CHERUB: Captain? PIKE: What makes you think I like gentlemen, eh? DOCTOR: Well, it's quite obvious to the perceptive eye, sir. Your dress, your manner, your tastes. (Laughing.) Yes, you're the type of man that has raised himself to an exalted position...unaided. Hmm, hmm. PIKE: Aye, with this to help me. (Showing his spike hand.) DOCTOR: Ohh, quite so, quite so. But you I...are neither a barbarian, or a savage. I can see that. CHERUB: (Laughing.) Oh, quite right! He... (CHERUB stops when he sees PIKE's glare.) PIKE: Cherub, you've got a funny sense of humor. CHERUB: Uh...aye Captain. PIKE: Well, Doctor, you talk sweet. But don't toy with me or you'll rue it. DOCTOR: My dear sir, I'm sure you can quickly see through any flattery of mine. PIKE: Aye, indeed I could. DOCTOR: So let us talk like men of the world. Be elegant, and with dignity... PIKE: Talk away? DOCTOR: Eh, he, heh. May I sit down? CHERUB: Beware his tongue, Captain. PIKE: Make way for the Doctor, ye swab. (CHERUB steps aside and gestures to a chair for the DOCTOR to sit in.) DOCTOR: (Condescendingly.) Thank you, my man. (Cherub again produces his knife and moves to harm the DOCTOR, but PIKE uses his spike to pull CHERUB away from the DOCTOR and down to his own face-level.) PIKE: Cherub, I'm entertaining a guest, and you ain't being very polite. CHERUB: But he's a snake, Captain. PIKE: One more word out of you and I'll slit your gizzard, right?... (To the Doctor.) Now, let us talk together like gentlemen. Eh, Doctor? DOCTOR: (To PIKE's offer of food.) Thank you, no. That would indeed be pleasant. PIKE: Wine, Cherub, to help the Doctor talk more freely. DOCTOR: Ahh, one thing more before, eh, we go on any further. PIKE: Aye? DOCTOR: Eh, now that we understand each other, I think it would only be fair that if I impart the information you require, I should receive some... small reward. Hmm? PIKE: Aye. You'll get your reward, never fear. (With a wink to CHERUB.) DOCTOR: In fact, a share? PIKE: A share? DOCTOR: Yes, indeed, yes. After all my dear Captain...thank you (To CHERUB, who is serving the wine.)...there is quite enough to go round, is there not? PIKE: For them that deserves it. Aye, well... DOCTOR: Well, here's to a better acquaintance. (Drinking.) Mmm. Oh, yes indeed. Yes, a very fine old Madeira. Yes. Indicative of, of your general taste, sir, if I may say so. PIKE: Aye... ye may say so... (Angrily.) Now tell us what we want to know! (The door bursts open without knocking, and JAMAICA, a tall Caribbean sailor with an accent enters.) PIKE: What? JAMAICA: Captain! Boat to leeward. PIKE: Coming up on the sly, is she? JAMAICA: Gi' us a shout, all friendly. CHERUB: We got no friends hereabouts. PIKE: Aye. (He considers.) Cherub, ask them to kindly step aboard a while. CHERUB: What then, Captain? PIKE: If it's a...revenue man, you can have him. (They laugh.) (CHERUB leaves to see to the approaching boat.) PIKE: And just in case they're friends of yours, Doctor...Jamaica? JAMAICA: Captain? PIKE: Take my guest to the galley. Give him food and wine. He's precious. JAMAICA: Aye, Captain. (The DOCTOR looks uncomfortable as PIKE and JAMAICA close in on either side of him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. JAIL CELL (POLLY now holds her completed doll of straw on the end of a string like a small noose.) BEN: Okay? POLLY: Here goes. BEN: Right! (BEN begins to knock on the door while POLLY sits down and sways as if in a trance.) BEN: Tom! Thomas me ol' mate. Tom! Come quick! Tom! Quick! TOM: Ohh, what's your noise for now? BEN: Tom...can you see Poll... ah, Paul there? TOM: Aye? BEN: Well quick Tom, open the door. Come in and help me. (Polly begins to moan like a ghost.) BEN: Quick, Tom, open the door! (Tom opens the door and enters the cell.) TOM: What's that? What's he doing? BEN: You see Paul, Tom. Well he's the gibbet. TOM: Eh? BEN: He's been took over, Tom...by the spirit of his master. TOM: No...Such things ain't to be seen by human souls. BEN: His master, Tom, the bloke what was kidnapped...he's a warlock. TOM: A warlock! Heaven save us! BEN: Well, not us, Tom...YOU! TOM: Me? BEN: Yeah, the Doctor's a wizard, no less, Tom. And us two are his apprentices. TOM: Y...you got the power. BEN: We have, Tom, from our master. Now, you see the gibbet? You see that fellow what's swinging here? TOM: That's a doll. Just a straw doll. BEN: Ah, sure mate. But it's more than that...cause it's got a soul. Someone else's soul! TOM: (Scared.) No. BEN: It's our master, Tom! He's captured the soul of someone he holds responsible for us being here, and he's gonna do him in! TOM: Well it ain't me. I ain't but lookin after ye. BEN: But there's one hair from your head inside that doll, Tom. TOM: No! BEN: Can you feel yourself swinging? TOM: Oooh. It ain't my fault! It were the Squire that ordered it... BEN: It's too late, Tom! It's you there swinging! And in a minute that doll's gonna fall. And when it does... TOM: Oh, sir, save me! Save me! I swear it weren't my doing! BEN: Is that the truth, Tom? TOM: Oh, sir, it is. It is. Save me! Save me! BEN: Tom, there is a way. TOM: Tell me, sir. I...I'd do anything. BEN: The spell can only work if we're held prisoners. Now, if we were free... TOM: But...but sir, I gave my word to master Kewper... (Sensing TOM's hesitation, POLLY starts to moan again and lowers the doll some.) BEN: Quick, Tom, before your doll falls. Your time's up this minute! Quick! TOM: Oh sir, I'll do it! I'll do it! Wait a minute! Somehow I'll free you! Oh sir...Have pity! Have mercy! (While he talks, TOM fishes the keys from his pocket.) BEN: Well done, Tom. (TOM unlocks the door.) BEN: We'll put a good word in for you, mate. TOM: Sir, am I safe now? POLLY: Take this, Tom. (POLLY hands TOM the doll.) While you hold it my master will know you and nothing will happen... BEN: Come on, Polly! (To TOM.) See you sometime, old son. Hey, and remember... from now on you're one of us. (Turns to leave with Polly.) Come on, this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. OUTSIDE THE JAIL (Out of breath, POLLY and BEN run from the jail and stop to get their bearings.) POLLY: Ben, where on earth do we go from here? BEN: Well not the inn, that's for sure. POLLY: I haven't got the faintest idea where the Doctor is. BEN: I know! We'll try the old church! POLLY: Yes, that should be safe enough. BEN: We might pick up some kind of clue there. POLLY: And maybe find out who really killed the Churchwarden. BEN: Yeah. Come on, down here. (They head off towards the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. THE DECK OF THE BLACK ALBATROSS (CHERUB is keeping a gun trained on KEWPER as he climbs aboard.) CHERUB: And just who's this we have the pleasure of welcoming aboard, eh? KEWPER: Jacob Kewper's the name. Innkeeper come to talk business. CHERUB: Ohh. And how would you know of our business, eh matey? KEWPER: It's more in the manner of putting business in your way. CHERUB: And what would an innkeeper want with honest sailors? KEWPER: Ahh no, master. That would be your skipper's ear... if he'll but listen, eh? (KEWPER slips a gold coin into CHERUB's hand.) CHERUB: Sounds like he might be interested. KEWPER: It'll be worth his while. CHERUB: Come below, matey. But belay any tricks, eh, Master Kewper? [SCENE_BREAK] 8. PIKE'S CABIN (PIKE sits alone drinking wine. There is a knock on the door.) PIKE: Enter. (The door opens and CHERUB and KEWPER come in.) CHERUB: A visitor, Captain, who says he'd talk of business. PIKE: Business? KEWPER: Aye, business to interest a merchant like yourself, sir, to our mutual benefit. PIKE: Aye? KEWPER: Brandy...silks perhaps? Or should I call it...merchandise? CHERUB: Sounds dishonest, Captain. PIKE: Aye, it does, by Morgan's beard. KEWPER: The only man who would call such business dishonest would be a revenue man! (PIKE spits out the wine he was drinking.) PIKE: Master innkeeper, I keep a law-abiding ship here. And a clean one! KEWPER: There is nobody who doubts that, Captain. PIKE: And I'll have the ears of any man who thinks he'll land me before a judge. KEWPER: Oh, Heaven preserve us. PIKE: But I'm willing to do business with any swab I can trust and who trusts me. KEWPER: (In a conspiratorial tone.) Trust! Aye, if there's... smuggling to be done. PIKE: So that's your business. I'd know more of this before I drop anchor here, so talk up, man. KEWPER: And I'll not give details until we shake hands on it. But, I tell you, we are well supported. PIKE: I'd not prejudice my good name. KEWPER: Would you throw in your lot with the Squire, and the Churchwarden, eh? (With a well-rehearsed glance, PIKE signals to CHERUB who moves behind KEWPER.) PIKE: Maybe...but not with scum like you! (CHERUB seizes KEWPER's arms.) KEWPER: What trick's this?! PIKE: The choicest apple, top of the barrel, Innkeeper? I've a mind to have word with this Squire of yours. KEWPER: I speaks for him! (Grunts as he struggles against CHERUB's hold.) You'll do no business without me! PIKE: Better for you if he does, matey. Else there'll be another corpse put ashore with Joe Longfoot, eh Cherub? CHERUB: Indeed, Captain. KEWPER: (Surprised.) Longfoot? The Churchwarden! You killed him! What for? PIKE: Because he crossed me, that's why. And nobody who crosses Pike lives to tell the tale. KEWPER: (Shocked almost speechless.) You're Captain Pike? PIKE: (Laughs, and then opens the door and calls through it.) Jamaica! (To CHERUB.) There's more to this than we reckoned, eh Cherub? CHERUB: Indeed there is, Captain. (JAMAICA appears in the doorway.) JAMAICA: Captain? PIKE: Fetch the Doctor, Jamaica. JAMAICA: Yes, sir! (He leaves immediately.) KEWPER: Why should you come here? PIKE: Your tongue is nigh as long as your ears, Innkeep. Careful we don't cut them both short for ya. (To CHERUB.) We're going ashore, Cherub. CHERUB: Ahh, what about the old Sawbones, Captain? PIKE: When we come back. Then in time... (JAMAICA returns ushering in the DOCTOR.) PIKE: (To KEWPER.) You and the Sawbones... both guests of mine till I return. Treat them well and kindly, Jamaica. But if there's any funny business, why...use this on them. (Gives JAMAICA a cat-'o-nine-tails whip.) JAMAICA: Sure, Captain. (Chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. THE CHURCH CRYPT (BEN and POLLY descend the steps in to the dark crypt in the basement of the church.) BEN: Well, there's not much down here. POLLY: There's nothing up in the vestry, and we searched that thoroughly enough. BEN: You know, the old boy must have been bumped off pretty soon after we left. POLLY: Ben, perhaps the murderer was hiding down here all the time! BEN: Yeah, could be. POLLY: (Nervously.) Hoooh. (They continue to search.) BEN: Maybe he kept his money box down here, or something? POLLY: What? Oh, yes. He did look like a bit of a Scrooge, didn't he? BEN: Well, he was dead scared of something, I know that. POLLY: Yeah, almost as though he was even expecting something to happen! BEN: Hmm. (They search into different areas of the crypt, POLLY moving out of view.) BEN: Hey Polly! POLLY: (OOV.) What? Where are you? (POLLY runs back into view and up to BEN.) BEN: Listen, maybe the murderer will come back to the scene of the crime! POLLY: Oh no! (She then realizes he's just trying to frighten her, and BEN begins to laugh.) POLLY: Oh shut up, Ben. You are a fool. BEN: Yeah, maybe you're right, Duchess. Early days for Sherlock Holmes, I suppose. POLLY: Yeah, well I'm not playing what's-his-name...Watson to you. (Anxious again.) Ooh, dear, I wish we knew where the Doctor was. BEN: Yeah, and the TARDIS too. In fact if I know him, I bet he's back in it all comfy. POLLY: Do you think so? Well then we've jolly well got to find the TARDIS too. BEN: Yeah, that's not such a bad idea. The beach wasn't far from here. Come on. (They head for the door, but before they can get out a man, wearing a cloak that conceals his identity, enters the crypt. They hide behind a pillar before he can see them. They lie in wait until he is passing the pillar, and then BEN gives him a chop to the neck. The man falls unconscious.) POLLY: Ben, do you think that's the murderer? BEN: I'm not stopping to find out. Tie him up first and ask questions after, love. POLLY: If this is the murderer then we're in the clear. And then if we tell the Squire, now he'll help us find the Doctor! BEN: Oh, I'm not so sure. He was a bit thick-headed, that Squire. Too much like a petty officer for my liking. POLLY: Yeah, but we'll never find the Doctor without help. And only he can work the TARDIS. BEN: Yeah, I see what you mean. I don't fancy getting stuck with this lot for good. POLLY: Listen, you stay here and guard him, and I'll go to the Squire and tell him we caught him, shall I? BEN: Well, hadn't I better go? POLLY: No, I'll go. I don't like it down here. BEN: OK. Oh, look, Polly. Don't tell him about that, eh!. POLLY: No alright. I don't suppose I'll be long. BEN: But Polly, take care, love. (POLLY leaves and BEN sets to work tying up the man.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. THE DECK OF THE BLACK ALBATROSS (PIKE emerges from below deck dressed in his finest clothes.) PIKE: Well, what think ye, Cherub? Do I look presentable? CHERUB: As a picture, Captain, but for that. (CHERUB indicates PIKE's spike, and they both laugh.) PIKE: Yes, my little pike will hardly be welcome at the manor, eh? (PIKE removes his spike and hands it to a sailor.) PIKE: Here lad, take care of that till I get back. CHERUB: Ready there below! (They prepare to go ashore.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. THE CHURCH CRYPT (BEN stands guard over the man in the cloak, who now sits bound to a chair. The man has just regained consciousness.) BEN: All right mate. Let's hear what you've got to say for yourself. BLAKE: Untie me at once, you rogue! Do you not know who I am? BEN: You tell me. BLAKE: I am Josiah Blake, the King's revenue officer. BEN: Oh yeah? Prove it. BLAKE: (Indignantly.) My word should be enough. BEN: Well not for me it's not, mate. BLAKE: (Exasperated.) Untie me this instant! BEN: I'm sorry, old son, but I'm not taking any risks. You may be what you say, but then again you may not. BLAKE: And who are you, sir? Pray, tell me that. Huh? BEN: Well, I'm just a sailor. Only I got nabbed for the murder of the Churchwarden which I did not do. So as you turn up on the scene of the crime I reckon you're a good suspect. BLAKE: I am here in the pursuance of my duty. BEN: Oh? And what's that? BLAKE: I'm after the smugglers, and I think I've found the route that they've been using. BEN: Eh? BLAKE: That passageway. (BLAKE indicates an archway behind BEN where a secret door lies.) BEN: Oh, sure, I suppose the Churchwarden's one of them. BLAKE: Hmmm. (Indicating "yes".) BEN: Pull the other one, mate. It rings. BLAKE: What say you? BEN: Oh, forget it. BLAKE: But this is so, I tell you, in truth! The Churchwarden was suspected. (BEN leans in close to BLAKE.) BEN: Honest? BLAKE: I was hoping to confront the villain with the evidence of that passageway, but now that he's dead... BEN: Ahh, you're stumped. You ain't got no proof. BLAKE: No, proof aplenty. That tunnel leads through a series of caves down to the beach. BEN: Down to the beach?! BLAKE: Aye. BEN: You've just brought me good news, mate! (BEN runs to the archway and is about to leave.) BLAKE: Hey! Where are you going? BEN: Well, just for a look. Won't be long. BLAKE: Hey, come back here! Stop in the King's name! [SCENE_BREAK] 12. THE SQUIRE'S HOUSE - A HALLWAY (CHERUB and PIKE wait for the Squire in the main hallway of his house. While they wait they admire the SQUIRE's opulent decor, each in his own way...) PIKE: There's style, Cherub. Style! CHERUB: Hmm, this would fetch a pretty penny. (CHERUB greedily eyes the SQUIRE's possessions, obviously intending to pocket a few things.) PIKE: Belay that, ye dolt. We are honest men, remember? Now, here is our plan: We'll find out all we need to know about these little villains... CHERUB: (Chuckling.) Smugglers, heh! PIKE: ...and we'll take their store, find Avery's treasure, and this into the bargain. (PIKE indicates the SQUIRE's possessions. Then Birch, a servant comes and escorts them to the study where the SQUIRE waits.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. THE SQUIRE'S HOUSE - THE STUDY SQUIRE: Ah, good morning gentlemen. Ha, ha, ha. Good morning to you. Will you take wine with me? PIKE: Nay, nay, sir Squire. We are come on a matter of business. SQUIRE: Business? So early in the day? (Laughs.) What can be so urgent so early? PIKE: We were sent by a friend. SQUIRE: Friend? CHERUB: Jacob Kewper. SQUIRE: Kewper, eh? Then you must be... PIKE: Merchants, sir. Honest merchants. (They all laugh.) SQUIRE: By my favorite mare, that's witty! Business indeed! PIKE: The very word friend Kewper used himself, sir. CHERUB: Aye. SQUIRE: Aye. Where is the fellow. Should he not be handling this affair? CHERUB: Aye, that he is, sir. He's back at the ship accounting our various merchandise. PIKE: Aye, such silks, such brandy and tobacco. Aye, Squire, indeed. SQUIRE: Oh, this is worthy of a toast, gentlemen. I insist you drink with me. (SQUIRE pours drinks for all of them and passes them out.) SQUIRE: Brandy, eh? Silks and tobacco. Well, here's to a fine cargo and a gallant captain. PIKE: Here's to a good landfall and no tales told. CHERUB: And so say I. (They drink, CHERUB taking all of his at once and letting out a satisfied gasp afterwards. The SQUIRE starts to refill his glass.) PIKE: Forgive him, sir Squire. An honest fellow, but unused to the ways of gentlefolk. SQUIRE: Oh, no consequence, no consequence. Ah, ah, ah, pray, have you breakfasted? PIKE: Aye, but I would remind you, sir, we still have business in hand. SQUIRE: Ahh, yeah, indeed. Now, (Ahem.) what would Kewper have me do? PIKE: Sir, he thought you might spare the time of day to explain such, eh, petty matters as must trouble us poor sailors. CHERUB: Aye, where to land, where to leave the goods, and things. SQUIRE: Oh, as for delivery, 'tis at the church... on the clifftop. (CHERUB tries to suppress his laugh.) SQUIRE: Likely, eh? PIKE: Most suitable. But, ah, who will receive our goods, sir? SQUIRE: Ahhh, t'was to have been the Churchwarden, bur he's been most foully murdered by renegades. CHERUB: Shame, such a holy-minded man! PIKE: But where are we to put our boat, sir? SQUIRE: Ah, now I think it best if we be all pre... (POLLY enters being held by Birch, the servant, and is struggling against his grip.) SQUIRE: What?! Great Heavens! This is one of the very renegades who slew poor Longfoot! How did you escape? Well done, Birch. POLLY: Well done, nothing. I came here of my own free will, Squire. SQUIRE: Ehh, you may go, Birch. POLLY: I came here to tell you that we found... (She sees CHERUB.) You! you're the one that kidnapped the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 14. PIKE'S CABIN (The DOCTOR and KEWPER sit under the guard of JAMAICA. They speak in low voices.) DOCTOR: Tell me about my friends. KEWPER: Aye, it's bad news, sir. DOCTOR: Why, is there trouble? KEWPER: Aye, they are taken for trial for the murder of the Churchwarden, which was done by Cherub, sir. DOCTOR: Oh, good gracious! We must escape from here and try and help them. KEWPER: Aye, not only for the sake of your friends, sir, but for the sake of the whole village yonder. DOCTOR: But I don't understand you. KEWPER: Pike is the bloodiest pirate now alive, sir. No one has ever seen that deadly hook and lived. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, I quite agree. A somewhat violent man. Hmm. KEWPER: Why did he take you, sir? DOCTOR: Oh, because he thought that I held the secret of the treasure belonging to the deceased pirate, Avery. KEWPER: Avery's gold!? Buried ashore!? DOCTOR: Oh, yes, he's determined to get it. Yes, yes, apparently... the Churchwarden knew something about it. KEWPER: Then Pike'll have it, sir, or raze the village to the ground in the finding of it. DOCTOR: But the officers of the law? KEWPER: D'oh, they'd be no match for Pike's men, sir. Once he's laid his plans, we and the village are lost. We...we must get back word to them, sir. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, I think I agree. Yes, eh, eh, well, bear with me, sir. I, ah, I have a plan. (The DOCTOR speaks louder to KEWPER so that JAMAICA will hear.) DOCTOR: Ehh, tell me, sir. Ah, you, ah, play cards? Hmm? Hmm, hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. THE SQUIRE'S STUDY SQUIRE: I don't believe one word of this trumped-up story. Not a jot! CHERUB: Such a sweet young face and yet so wicked. PIKE: It smacks of a trap, eh, Mister Cherub? CHERUB: Indeed it does, Captain. Very dangerous. POLLY: But we are innocent and he took the Doctor. PIKE: I have none sick aboard. Wherefore should I need a sawbones? POLLY: I don't know but you took him. And I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't have a hand in the killing of the Churchwarden too! SQUIRE: Cease these vile untruths, boy! These gentlemen are goodly merchants. I vouch for them. You are a stranger here, as is your companion, and therefore not to be trusted. POLLY: But we haven't done anything! SQUIRE: A man is dead, boy. POLLY: We left him alive. SQUIRE: (Pauses, surprised.) Oh. Then you did speak with him! (Chuckles.) There's a damning fact, indeed! PIKE: Out of the mouths of babes, eh? CHERUB: Such acts of violence in one so young! PIKE: Aye, young people are not what they were once, not in our time, eh Mister Cherub? CHERUB: Indeed not, Cap'n. Very wicked. SQUIRE: Now, who this poor fellow is you captured I know not. PIKE: Might he not be, ahh, one of our mutual friends, Squire? SQUIRE: Heh? PIKE: A revenue officer. SQUIRE: Ohh! Aye, indeed, it could be so. CHERUB: Then perhaps we should fall in with this young rouge's pot o' purpose. PIKE: Yes, recapture this villain's accomplice and let our man free. CHERUB: That were best. POLLY: Squire, you're being a fool. These men are villains! PIKE: Ohh, come, come, lad. Do we look so black-hearted? CHERUB: Time's short if we're to prepare. SQUIRE: Aye, we'll ride this very minute, and take our prize with us. PIKE: Squire, do you not think this lad should be restrained a little, just in case of misfortune? SQUIRE: Aye, I do. A happy thought, Captain. PIKE: Here is cord. (PIKE produces a convenient rope from his pocket and begins to tie POLLY's hands behind her back.) CHERUB: And here is silence. (CHERUB uses a scarf to gag POLLY.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. THE CHURCH CRYPT (BEN returns from the tunnel to BLAKE, who still sits tied to the chair.) BEN: What a turn-up for the books! You don't know what kind of good turn you done me, mate. BLAKE: I do not share your joyous feelings, boy. Untie me, I say! BEN: The passageway leads right down to the beach alright, to the very spot we've been looking for. BLAKE: Hey boy, you one of these smuggling rogues after all? BEN: No, of course not. But it leads right down to where the TARDIS is. BLAKE: The TARDIS? What's that, a ship? BEN: Well, sort of, but you wouldn't understand. Any way, it's there all ready for us to get away. If only I could tell the others, we could all escape! BLAKE: Eh? Escape!? BEN: Yes, escape! (BEN heads up the stairs to the door to the vestry, about to leave the bound BLAKE behind again. Before he can leave, he is stopped by the arrival of PIKE, the SQUIRE, CHERUB and POLLY, who is still bound as well.) CHERUB: Stand fast, I say there. BEN: Polly...and you! (The SQUIRE holds out a pistol and points it at BEN.) SQUIRE: Recaptured again, eh boy? We'll have no more tricks this time. [SCENE_BREAK] (The series theme music begins. White credits scroll up over the ending scene. The scene fades to a black background as the white credits continue to scroll up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (After the designer credit rolls up and off the black screen, the producer credit fades in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The producer credit fades out. The director credit and BBC logo fade in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The BBC logo fades out to the black background. The series theme music ends.)

Pike is convinced that the Doctor knows the location of Avery's treasure while Polly and Ben try to convince the locals they were not responsible for Longfoot's murder.

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_03x20

fd_The_Vampire_Diaries_03x20_0

[Klaus Mansion] (Klaus is painting. Rebekah arrives) Klaus: What took you so long? Rebekah: Alaric didn't want to hand over the stake. Luckily I'm quite the charmer (She shows it to him) Klaus: That's it? Rebekah: Last of the white oak stakes that can kill us. Do you want to do the honors, or shall I? (He takes it and throws it in the fireplace) Rebekah: Well, that's that, then Klaus: Pack your bags. We're leaving Rebekah: Today? Klaus: Why not? There's nothing keeping us here. We'll grab the doppelganger and be off by sunset Rebekah: But tonight's the decade dance Klaus: So? Rebekah: So I'm head of the committee. We have to go Klaus: I'm not going to any dance Rebekah: Caroline will be there Klaus: That means nothing to me Rebekah: Please? I have big plans for tonight. Just go for me Klaus: Ok, fine. One last hurrah Rebekah: One last hurrah, Nik (They smile) [Salvatore's House] (Damon is on the phone with Alaric) Damon: Where have you been? I've been calling you all day Alaric: Yeah, sorry about that. I just needed to get my head together Damon: So I take it Rebekah got the stake Alaric: I don't know. I woke up alone. There's no sign of it Damon: Lovely. What now? Alaric: Well, I think I need to get out of town, You know, somewhere secluded. I keep blacking out, which means I'm still a threat to everyone Damon: I don't know if right now is the best time for you to be going on a spirit quest, Ric Alaric: Ah, it's just for a couple days. I'm stocked up on Bonnie's herb, so I should be fine. I got to go (He hangs up) [Klaus' mansion] (Alaric is there, with "Rebekah" whose body is occupied by Esther. he has a vial of white oak ashes and a dagger) Rebekah/Esther: Quite the cunning liar Alaric: Well, Damon's too arrogant to think his only friend would betray him Rebekah/Esther: Just as Niklaus would blindly accept an invitation from his beloved sister, unaware that he is headed to his own death (She dips the dagger in the vial) Alaric: Did you give him the stake? Rebekah/Esther: He burned it without hesitation Alaric: So where is the real one? Rebekah/Esther: You'll get it when it can no longer be used against me in this body (She opens a coffin. Esther's body is in it) Alaric: So how do you... Rebekah/Esther: How do I return to my true form? With a little magic and some help from a vampire hunter (She hands him the dagger. He takes it and drives it through her heart. She collapses on the floor, dead. He looks at her and then looks at Esther. She wakes up) [Mystic Falls High School] (Caroline is with Elena in the gymnasium. Everyone is busy preparing the decade dance) Caroline: So Alaric is trying to pull out something together? Why is that a bad thing? Elena: Just I wish there was something I could do (She takes a chandelier) Elena: Where do you want me to hang this thing? Caroline: You know what? If Rebekah wanted to hang this monstrosity, she should have shown up to do it herself (She takes it and gives it to someone) Caroline: Just no (Elena laughs. She looks at Matt and Jeremy, hanging decorations) Caroline: What are you doing? You can't just hang them. They're supposed to trickle down (Elena smiles. Matt looks at Jeremy) Caroline: Look at them all bromancey Elena: Yeah, I asked Matt to help Jeremy readjust. He got him his old job back at the grill Caroline: That was nice of him Elena: Mm-hmm. Jeremy's got a lot on his mind. The whole thing with Alaric has got him really stressed out Caroline: You sure it had nothing to do with witnessing you and Damon getting hot and heavy in a skeevy motel? Elena: I didn't tell you that so you could torture me with it Caroline: Ah, what are friends for? So who you bringing to the dance? Elena: What do you mean? I thought you, Bonnie, and I were going as girl dates Caroline: Bonnie has a date Elena: What? Caroline: Jamie called And wanted to see her, so she asked him. So here's a thought. Why don't you ask Stefan? Elena: I... I can't ask him on a date. I just made out with his brother Caroline: All the more reason. Like, you're supposed to be figuring out what you want. That's what Stefan wanted you to do, right? Elena: Yeah, but... Caroline: But nothing. I've watched "The Bachelor". Ok, fair is fair. It is Stefan's turn Elena: Yeah, and you're not biased or anything Caroline: I'm sorry, but Stefan is your epic love. And I'm not going down without a fight [Salvatore's House] (Stefan's phone rings. He answers. It's Elena) Stefan: Hey Elena: Hey. Do do you have a second? Stefan: Yeah. Everything all right? Elena: Yeah. Yeah, I just, um I wanted to, uh... Caroline and I were talking about going to the dance, and, um... Ok, look, I know where we're at, you and I, and I know it would be stupid to even think that we could go back to the way things were, but I'm going to the dance, and I'd like to go with you Stefan: Um... I'd love that Elena: Ok, great. Bye (She hangs up. Stefan smiles. Damon is here) Damon: I'm thinking gardenia corsage. Wrist, obviously. You don't want to accidentally stab her in the chest with a pin. That could get messy Stefan: Damon, I... (Damon looks at him and leaves the room) [Mystic Falls Hospital] (Meredith is in the hallway. She hears her name being whispered. When she turns, Damon's here, smiling) Meredith: Don't do that. It's not funny Damon: Oh, come on. It's a little funny Meredith: What do you want, Damon? Damon: I need medical advice for a friend, Alaric. You remember him, right? About 6'2", tried to hack you into pieces Meredith: How is he?Are those herbs that Bonnie made for him working? Damon: I don't know. Can they work if he doesn't take them? (He shows her a pot full of herbs) Damon: I found these in his loft untouched [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore's Crypt] (Esther and Alaric arrive at the crypt) Alaric: Why are we here? Esther: Long ago on this spot, My son tore my heart from my chest. The violence of my death marked this ground for all time (They enter the crypt. There's a gobelet. They stop in front of it) Esther: I'll need your ring Alaric: Now, why would I give you the one thing that protects me from death? Esther: I will give you all the protection you need. However, the stake will burn up in the body of its first victim. If you are to kill all of my children, I will need to bind the protective magic in your ring to the stake, thus rendering the white oak indestructible (She raises her hand and he gives her his ring. She puts it in the gobelet and starts casting a spell. Fire rises from the gobelet. The ring melts. She takes the stake and stirs the melted metal from the ring with it. She raises the stake and the melted metal spreads on the stake.) Esther: The ultimate weapon... for the ultimate hunter (He looks at the stake) [Gilbert's House] (Elena is all dressed up for the 20's dance. The door bell rings. She opens the door. It's Stefan) Elena: Wow. You look very dapper Stefan: You look, uh... very beautiful. Here. I, uh... I got something for you (He shows her a flower and puts it on her dress) Elena: Thank you Stefan: So given our dangerous dance karma... You sure you're up for this? Elena: Getting out of bed is dangerous these days, but we have to live our lives Stefan: Who gave you that horrible advice? Elena: Some guy I used to date said it once or twice Stefan: Right (She takes her jacket) Elena: Shall we? Stefan: Please (She smiles) [Mystic Falls High School] (Everyone is in the gymnasium, all dressed up and dancing. Bonnie is dancing with Jamie. Caroline rejoins Matt) Caroline: Have I told you how amazingly awesome you are? Matt: Yeah, I am one of the good ones. I know. Why the compliments? What else do you want? Caroline: I know that you and Elena have been getting closer lately Matt: And your point is? Caroline: One way or the other, she's pretty much spoken for Matt: Elena's my friend, Caroline. I'm just looking out for her Caroline: And I'm just looking out for you, because sometimes the people who love her get caught in the crossfire (Matt raises his head. Tyler's here, shaking hands with various people) Matt: What's he doing here? (Caroline turns herself and sees him. She rejoins him) Caroline: Are you crazy? If Klaus sees you... Tyler: What's he gonna do? Draw you another picture? Caroline: Tyler, this isn't a joke Tyler: I could pretend I'm sired if I have to. But I'm not gonna hide while he's macking all over you Caroline: Tyler... You do not need to be jealous of Klaus Tyler: I am jealous, But I'm also competitive, So hang on. I'm about to sweep you off your feet (He carries her and they turn. She smiles) (Stefan and Elena arrive) Elena: Teach me some moves Stefan: Oh, no, no, no, no. I, uh... I blacked out for most of this decade, remember? Elena: Nice try (She takes him by the arm and leads him to the dancefloor. They dance but the song ends and a slow begins. He raises his hand, she takes it and hey dance) Stefan: Bonnie seems happy Elena: She's working on it Stefan: I've been meaning to talk to her, apologize Elena: Yeah, you should. Although I wouldn't expect her to forgive you or Damon. Listen, Stefan, about Damon, We should probably talk about the trip to Denver Stefan: I don't need to know, Elena. When all this is over, if you and I find our way back to each other, You can tell me if you want to. Otherwise, I don't need to know. I don't want to know Elena: How can you be so fair about this? Stefan: Because after everything I've put you through... I'm just honored to be your date tonight (They look at each other and dance. He makes her turn. Damon's here. Stefan looks at him and Elena turns herself) Damon: We three need to talk (Jeremy watches them leave the gymnasium. He runs into Jamie) Jeremy: Sorry. Uh. Hey. Bonnie (He looks at them) Bonnie: Why are you still wearing your ring? Didn't Elena tell you? Jeremy: Yeah, yeah, I know all about Alaric. When my sister stops hanging out with vampires, I'll take it off (He leaves. They watch him leave) Jamie: Uh, ex-boyfriend? Bonnie: Yep Jamie: That's not awkward at all (Stefan, Damon and Elena are in the hallway) Elena: If Alaric's sick, then we need to find a cure, something Damon: We tried medicine. We tried magic Stefan: Why don't we get him off vervain, compel him? Damon: To do what, pretend to be Alaric? The guy that we know is gone. We're talking about someone who not only hates vampires, but vampire sympathizers, which makes one of his most obvious targets I don't know you, you? (He looks at Elena) Stefan: What? You think he'd go after Elena? Elena: So wait. What are you suggesting we do? Damon: I'm suggesting that we put him out of his misery Elena: What? (Jeremy arrives) Jeremy: No way in hell (They look at him) Damon: Oh, come on. It's what he would want. It's a mercy killing Jeremy: You are out of your mind Elena: Jeremy (He leaves. She looks at Damon and leaves. Stefan looks at his brother) (Elena goes after Jeremy outside) Elena: Jer, stop! Jeremy: This is Alaric we're talking about. You know, he looked out for us, And we need to do the same for him Elena: No one's gonna hurt him (He starts to leave. She stops him) Elena: Hey. Hey. Look at me. I promise (Esther arrives) Esther: Elena (She turns herself) Esther: If you wish to help your friend Alaric, I suggest you come with me Elena: Jeremy, go inside and get Stefan and Damon now (He leaves) Esther: I mean you no harm, but willingly or not, You will come (She leaves. Elena follows her. Jeremy comes back with Stefan and Damon but they're stopped by an invisile barrier. Only Jeremy can leave. They look at the ground. There's something on the floor) Stefan: Salt. It's the binding agent for a spell Damon: We're trapped here (Bonnie and Jamie are in a classroom) Bonnie: You had all kinds of moves out there Jamie: Yeah? I mean, I was just, you know, Trying to make a good impression Bonnie: Well, consider me impressed Jamie: Your friends seem pretty cool Bonnie: Yeah. They're the most important thing in the world to me Jamie: Though you gotta admit, This whole circle of people, it's kind of crazy. I mean, there's vampires, werewolves, Ex-boyfriends with magic rings. I mean... I'm just a normal guy Bonnie: A normal guy wouldn't have said yes to a date with me Jamie: Yeah, that's true (She kisses him then they look at each other and they kiss again but Damon enters and puts the light on, interrupting them) Damon: Sorry to spoil your 7 minutes in heaven. We have a problem [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore Crypt] (Esther and Elena arrive at the crypt) Esther: You'll forgive me for taking you from the dance this evening. That's the burden of being the doppelganger, I'm afraid your blood is a potent binding agent for a witch's spell. Elena: Just please don't hurt Alaric (Alaric comes out) Alaric: She's not hurting me Elena: Ric. What's going on? What are you doing with him? Esther: I'm going to remake him Elena: Remake him? Esther: Make him strong, fast, Like my children, Indestructible. For one final time, I'm going to tap into the dark magic I used a thousand years ago. Like my husband Mikael before him, I will make Alaric into a true hunter, the vampire to end all vampires Elena: You can't create another original. What if he turns out to be an even bigger monster than your children? Esther: He won't, Now that he's embraced his darkest aspect his hatred for them will become more pure and uncompromising. In death, that hatred will be magnified Elena: You don't know that. You don't know anything about him Esther: That is where you're wrong. Each time he died with that ring, during his brief journey into death, I was there on the other side. I spoke to him. I nurtured him, knowing that every death brought him closer to his true self. Vampires took everything from him. Now he's getting his vengeance. [SCENE_BREAK] [Mystic Falls High School] (Caroline and Tyler are dancing. Klaus is there, looking at them. Tyler senses something) Caroline: What is it? (She turns herself and sees Klaus. He rejoins them) Klaus: Where have you been, mate? Tyler: I just got back in town Klaus: That's funny. I don't recall giving you permission to leave in the first place. You don't mind if I cut in, do you? Caroline: Yes, actually, we do (Klaus looks at Tyler) Tyler: No. It's fine Caroline: Why do you always have to prove you're the alpha male? Klaus: I don't have to prove anything, love. I am the alpha male. Come on. One Dance. I won't bite (He raises his hand. She looks at Tyler and then takes it. He smiles, takes her to the dance floor and makes her turn. They starts dancing) Klaus: You would have loved the 1920s, Caroline. Girls were reckless, sexy, fun. They literally used to dance until they dropped Caroline: Heh. I don't suppose that ever happened to their dance partners Klaus: You should be nicer to me. I'm leaving town tomorrow. I'd invite you to come with me, but we both know you're not ready to accept my offer. Perhaps one day, in a year or even a century, You'll show up at my door and let me show you what the world has to offer. (They stop dancing) Klaus: You mark my words. Small-town boy, small-town life, it won't be enough for you (He leaves. She looks at him leaving) (Klaus is outside on the phone) Klaus: Rebekah, call me back immediately. I only came to this ridiculous dance because you begged me to, and now you're nowhere to be found (He sees the salt on the floor) Klaus: What is this? Stefan: Your mother's back (Bonnie, Jeremy, Jamie, Damon, Stefan and Klaus are in the cafeteria. She's casting a spell) Jamie: She does this all the time, right? Klaus: What's taking so long? All boundary spells have a loophole (Matt enters) Matt: People are walking right out of the dance, past the barrier Jeremy: Well, if Matt and I can leave, we could stop Esther ourselves. We just gotta find out where she is Stefan: Suicide, Jeremy (Klaus rushes toward Jamie and strangles him) Klaus: Suicide would be disappointing me. Now work your magic, witch, or I'll start killing people you fancy Bonnie: Let him go Klaus: Not until you get us out of here Stefan: Ah, don't be stupid, Klaus. Bonnie doesn't give a damn about us. The only reason she's helping right now is to save Caroline and Tyler. If you start killing the people she cares about, she'll tell us all to go to hell (Klaus finally releases Jamie) [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore Crypt] (Esther is lighting candles. Elena looks at Alaric) Elena: Ric, this isn't what you want. It's not who you are Alaric: You don't know who I am, Elena. You only know the weakest parts of me, a man who lost his way, befriending vampires instead of killing them Elena: You don't mean that Alaric: They're all monsters. The blood of their victims is on my hands, Jenna's blood is on my hands (Esther rejoins them and looks at Alaric) Esther: When you are ready Elena: No, Ric, please don't. Don't do this (He takes Esther hands. Their hands are above the goblet) Elena: I won't help you. I'm not gonna give you my blood. You're gonna have to kill me Esther: That won't be necessary (She closes her fist. Elena can't breathe. He pulse accelerates. A cut appears in her hand. She bleeds. Esther catches her wrist and makes the blood poor in the gobelet. She releases her. Elena looks at her hand) Esther: Drink and let it be done Elena: No, Ric, please don't (He takes the goblet and drinks) Elena: no (He drinks it all. Elena is shocked) Alaric: Is it finished? Esther: Not just yet (She stabs him) [Mystic Falls High School] (Bonnie takes a map from the wall and puts it on the table. She looks at it. Damon and Klaus arrive. Damon gives her a vial containing Jeremy's blood) Damon: Here. Jeremy made a little gilbert blood donation for your locater spell Bonnie: I have to do this with you two lurking over me? Damon: You're still mad at me for what happened to Abby. Let me apologize. I'm sorry Elijah forced us to turn your mother into a vampire to save Elena's life. Didn't exactly have a choice Bonnie: There's always a choice. Whenever you make one, someone else suffers Klaus: Let's cut the dramatics and begin, shall we? (She takes the vials and pours the blood on the map. Then she cast a spell but the blood doesn't move) Bonnie: Esther's fighting me Klaus: Esther couldn't possibly have this much power. No, she's channeling something. Bonnie: A hotspot Klaus: Get the humans ready. I know where she is (Stefan is with Caroline and Tyler in the gym) Stefan: They're at the old cemetery. Jeremy and Matt are headed there right now Caroline: You let them go? They're gonna get themselves killed Stefan: We didn't have a choice, Caroline. We're useless right now stuck in here Caroline: Hey, she'll be fine. Elena always manages to find her way through this stuff Stefan: Yeah, well, I'm just as worried about what Esther's up to. She led Klaus here for a reason. If she succeeds in whatever she's doing... Tyler: Klaus could get killed...And I die along with him Stefan: No one's gonna die, ok? Bonnie's still looking for a way around the boundary spell. It's not too late (He leaves. Caroline looks at Tyler) Caroline: So best-case scenario, Bonnie gets us out of here, Klaus hauls ass to Timbuktu, And you and i, we're home free Tyler: Or we let Esther come and kill him Caroline: That's not a best-case scenario. That's not even a remotely acceptable scenario Tyler: It would be an option if we knew he wasn't the one who turned your bloodline. You'd be safe. At least he'd be gone Caroline: How could you say that? Tyler: Because I'm angry. Because I hate him. I should have never let him dance with you Caroline: What were you're supposed to do? He can't know that you're not sired anymore. Tyler, it doesn't matter How many times I dance with him. I love you (She touches his face and kisses him) [Mystic Falls' Cemetery. Salvatore's crypt] (Alaric is dead, lying on the floor. Elena is kneeled beside him and removes the knife from his chest. She's in shock) Esther: He'll wake soon. When he does, he may for a time be his old self. If so, you can say your good-byes before his transition is complete Elena: You said you wanted to undo the evil that you created, but this this is just as evil Esther: Alaric will never be what my children became. I have granted him enough power to complete his task. Then when the time is right, he will die Elena: How, if he's immortal? Esther: All you need to know is that when this is over, we will have rid the earth of vampires once and for all Elena: Yeah, but you'll be killing the good along with the bad. You're no better than Klaus Esther: Am I not? I desire a world where you and your loved ones will not suffer at the hands of vampires, like your aunt Jenna did Elena: Don't you dare use Jenna as an excuse for what you've done Esther: You may draw comfort knowing that your aunt is not in the place that I was. She doesn't know the torment of the other side. Though made a vampire, she remained pure, and she knows peace... which is all any of us can hope for (They hear noise outside. Esther goes out. Matt emerges with a gun) Matt: Don't move (Jeremy is there too with a crossbow) Jeremy: Where is Elena? (Elena goes out) Elena: Jeremy?! Jeremy: Let her go Esther: How foolish of you to risk your lives in defense of those who will kill you. But if that is your choice... (She raises her hands. Their weapons turn against each other) Jeremy: Matt. Matt, drop your gun! Matt: I can't. I'm not controlling it Elena: Esther, stop it! (Alaric arrives behind her and kills her. He looks at Elena's wrist) Alaric: Oh god. Where's my ring? Tell me what happened [Mystic Falls' high school] (Klaus and Stefan are outside the gym) Klaus: You know, this is your fault. You set us on this path when you released my mother. I wonder if revenge will prove worth the cost Stefan: As far as Esther, we've stopped her before, we'll stop her again Klaus: We are strange bedfellows, you and I. You know, all of this reminds me of our time together in the twenties Stefan: You say that like I'm supposed to have happy memories about it Klaus: Well, there were moments, real friendship, brotherhood (Damon arrives) Damon: Oh, he already has a brother. Not to be, you know, territorial or anything Klaus: Oh, no, of course. The Salvatore's and their unshakeable bond. I wonder what'll happen when Elena finally makes her choice. Will we see you shake just a little bit? (He smiles. Bonnie comes out) Bonnie: It's done. Esther's not fighting me anymore. The boundary spell is broken (Klaus leaves) Stefan: Thank you, Bonnie. For everything Bonnie: I didn't do it for you (She leaves) [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore's crypt] (Elena is with Alaric. Jeremy comes in) Jeremy: Damon's here, and Klaus took Esther's body Alaric: Does he know about the stake? Jeremy: No, only that she tried to turn you into a weapon and failed (Elena and Alaric look at each other) Jeremy: What's going on? Alaric: Listen, Jeremy... I'm not gonna complete the transition. My dark side was dangerous enough as a human. I can't be a vampire Jeremy: So, what, we're just gonna lock you in here and let you die? (Elena looks at Alaric, tears in her eyes) Jeremy: No. No, we can't Alaric: Listen, Jeremy, it's the right thing to do, ok? After everything that's happened, after... after all that I've done... maybe I had it coming (Jeremy starts to leave) Elena: Hey, wait, Jer (She looks at Alaric) Elena: Alaric, this isn't your fault Alaric: Please, you guys, let's not make this any harder than it already is. You two should go. Damon's here. He'll make sure it'll all go down the right way (Jeremy starts to leave again. Alaric looks at him) Alaric: Hey. Hey Jeremy: Don't. Just don't give me some crap speech about how I need to be the man of the house Alaric: Ok. I won't (They embrace each other and Jeremy leaves. Alaric looks at Elena. She cries) Elena: This is all my fault. You moved out. You... you gave me your ring back. You didn't want any part of this, And I I forced you to stay and take care of us Alaric: Don't do that. Ok? Taking care of you and Jeremy has been... it's been the closest I've ever come to the life I always wanted (She embraces him) Alaric: You should go (They go out. Everyone is gathered in front of the crypt: Meredith, Jeremy, Matt, Bonnie, Caroline, Tyler, Stefan, Elena and Damon. She looks at Alaric and then rejoins the others. They all look at him, they have tears in their eyes. He looks at them, looks moved and goes back inside.) [Klaus' Mansion] (Klaus opens a coffin and finds Rebekah's body inside. He removes the dagger from her heart. Then he goes to her mother's coffin and looks at her body.) Klaus: Your trap failed, mother. I live, and I will go on living. let your beloved spirits try to preserve you again. I dare you to come after me. I will build an army so big, no one will ever touch me. My survival will haunt you through eternity. You will never destroy me! [Bonnie's House] (Jamie and Bonnie arrive) Bonnie: Thanks for the ride home Jamie: No problem. You know there's nothing you could have done, right? Bonnie: I know. That doesn't make it any easier. Jamie: I should have said this before, but... Thank you for protecting me Bonnie: Apparently it's what I do Jamie: You really are pretty amazing Bonnie: Sometimes I think I'd settle for just ordinary Jamie: You said your dad's out of town, right? You gonna be ok by yourself? Bonnie: No. I don't think I am (He embraces her) [Mystic Grill] (Matt and Jeremy are alone. Matt puts the lights on. He serves them two shots of tequila. They raise their glass) Matt: Mr. Saltzman Jeremy: Alaric (They drink. Matt looks at Jeremy. Jeremy sheds a tear) [Mystic Falls High School] (Elena is in Alaric's classroom and takes his weapons. Stefan's with her) Stefan: We can handle this later, you know Elena: No, I'd rather get it over with now before some janitor comes to clean out Alaric's stuff and realizes the history teacher was a vampire slayer Stefan: Elena... Hey, Elena, please Elena: I can't, Stefan, ok? I... I can't think about the fact that Jeremy and I don't have anyone to take care of us anymore. Or... or that we've lost another friend. I just can't... I can't think about any of it Stefan: I want you to come with me Elena: I'm not done (He touches he) Stefan: Please (He takes her hand and she follows him) (They enter the gym. It's empty) Stefan: We were in this gym the night Klaus compelled me to turn my feelings off. I thought I hit rock bottom in the twenties, but... after I bit you, I never wanted to feel anything again. But someone... kept telling me that it was ok to feel... No matter how much it hurt... That our emotions would make us human, good or bad, and to never lose hope Elena: Who gave you that horrible advice? Stefan: Some girl I used to date Elena: I don't have anyone anymore (She cries) Stefan: You have me (He touches her face. He embraces her and she continues crying) [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore's crypt] (Meredith and Damon are outside) Meredith: I gave him a sedative. He'll fall asleep first. He'll go comfortably (He puts a stake in his inside pocket) Damon: Well... I offered to snap his neck, put him out of his misery, but... he didn't take me up on it Meredith: You seem surprised Damon: Well, you just think a guy so used to dying wouldn't want to drag it out (He drinks) Meredith: Well, it was nice of you to give him the option Damon: Hmm. Apparently my choices have been a little controversial lately Meredith: You shouldn't leave him alone in there Damon: That's the way he wants it Meredith: Is that really what you think he wants? (She leaves, crying) (Damon enters the crypt. Alaric is sitting on the ground, his head resting on the wall. Damon sits down next to him, a bottle in his hand) Damon: Aw, Ric Alaric: Is this the part where you give me a dream? rainbows and rolling green hills? Damon: I was drunk when I told you that (Alaric laughs) Alaric: Yeah, and I told you I'd use it against you Damon: Damn you. Sorry I killed you. Twice Alaric: So I have to actually die to get a real apology out of you Damon: Drink? Alaric: Actually I've been thinking about cutting back (He sheds a tear. Damon drinks) Damon: Yeah. This stuff'll kill you (He hands his the bottle. Alaric takes it and drinks) [Bonnie's House] (Bonnie is sleeping in Jamie's arms. There are voices. She opens her eyes. Esther has appeared) Esther: Your sisters need you to finish what I started, Bonnie Jamie: Bonnie. Hey. Hey (She wakes up) Jamie: I think you're having a bad dream [Mystic Falls Cemetery. Salvatore's Crypt] (Alaric dies. Damon's sad and drinks. He finishes the bottle and puts it down. He goes out from the crypt. Bonnie arrives but she's strange) Damon: What are you doing here? Hey, Bonnie, What, are you sleepwalking or something? Bonnie? (She uses her powers and inflactes him pain in the head. He falls on his knees, holding his head) (She enters the crypt. Looks at Alaric's body. She cuts her hand with the stake and makes him drink it. He wakes up and drinks. He's now a vampire. His face changes, his fangs are out. He takes Bonnie and bites her neck. He gets up, blood all over his mouth, the stake in his hand)

Alaric finds an unexpected ally, Esther, to guide him on his dangerous new path of killing vampires, while Damon and Meredith try to figure out what their next move should be to bring the real Alaric back from his alter-ego form. At the school's 1920s Decade Dance, Bonnie asks Jamie to go with her, and, at Caroline's suggestion, Elena asks Stefan to be her date. Caroline is pleasantly surprised when Tyler shows up at the dance determined to sweep her off her feet, but Klaus does his best to come between them and tells her that he believes Caroline will eventually come to him, even if she is not ready at the moment to let go of her "small town boy [and her] small town life" because he knows that eventually "it won't be enough" for her. The dance takes a deadly turn when Damon and Stefan realize they need the help of Matt and Jeremy to protect Elena because the two Salvatore brothers are immobilized on one side of a boundary Esther created. They asked Bonnie to undo the spell that could prove devastating for everyone. Finally, Esther turns Alaric into an Original vampire to kill Klaus and other Originals. Esther also uses Alaric's ring to render the last White Oak stake indestructible so that it can be used multiple times on all the Originals. However, the real Alaric kills Esther and decides not to complete the transition. Stefan, Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Meredith, Bonnie, Caroline, Matt and Tyler mourn Alaric's last moments before he isolates himself to die. Elena finds comfort with Stefan, while Damon stays with Alaric until his last breath. Alaric seems to have died, but Esther compels Bonnie to give Alaric some blood to complete the transition to an Original.

fd_The_O.C._01x26

fd_The_O.C._01x26_0

Opening scene - It is dark and we can't see much Seth: (whispers) Ryan, Ryan hey, hey man are you asleep (Seth turns the lamp on and moves down the bottom end of his bed, we see Ryan with his eyes shut on the floor) Seth: Ryan, are you asleep (Ryan groans, Seth holds his nose closed then pulls his hand back quickly, Ryan rolls over to face the other way) Seth: yeah I cant sleep either (sighs) I know what your gonna say you know she hasn't technically (Ryan opens his eyes) dumped me yet but its only a matter'a time right, so what'do I do, do I force a confrontation or do I jus continue to be whiny an passive aggressive until she realises what a catch I am Ryan? Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, you asleep Ryan: (frustrated, rolls over) yeah Seth: oh ok sorry i'm gonna let you go back ta sleep ok cause as bad as things are for me right now, there much worse for you so Ryan: what? (sits up) Seth: well i'm jus saying that you know i'm at least in my own bed not sleeping, you're on my floor not sleeping Ryan: because you won't stop talking Seth: yeah but also because your ex girlfriends sleeping in your room to the dismay of your girlfriend who you jus got back together with Ryan: Marissa's fine with it Seth: i'm sure she is buddy, the same way you'd be fine with it if uh uh Oliver was sleeping on her couch, its cool Ryan: what'do you want me ta do, kick Theresa outta the pool house Seth: no but, aren't you just the least bit curious as to when she's leaving Ryan: no, no i'm not, i'm not worried about it Seth: ok Ryan: ok Seth: good - night, go back ta bed...or the floor (Seth lies back down and Ryan rolls over, he closes his eyes then suddenly sits up) Ryan: yeah ok I should talk ta Theresa Seth: (sits up) let me come with you CUT TO: Ryan and Seth outside the pool house, Ryan knocks then goes in Seth follows Ryan: (yells) Theresa Seth: housekeeping Ryan: helloooo Seth: maybe she's still at work (we see a grocery bag, and normal bag on the bed, in the background we hear a toilet flush) Ryan: no her bags here Seth: yeah apparently she's ben shoppin (Theresa comes out of the bathroom) Theresa: sorry, I didn't hear you guys...come in Seth: hey let me know if you ever need anything ok, my moms got lots'a toiletries Theresa: thanks but um i'm probably not gonna be here that much longer Ryan: (looks at Seth) oh, your not Theresa: no, I-I can't impose on Seth's parents forever Seth: sure ya can, I intend to Theresa: thanks but I really need'ta figure things out, I have some family I can call so Ryan: so uh see you tomorrow? Theresa: no a-actually I picked up a morning shift at the bakery so Ryan: oh alright so maybe after school Theresa: sure, but aren't you an Marissa Ryan: yeah no I mean we'll both see you after sc- Seth: well actually I'll see you after school because uh my girlfriends currently dating her father (Theresa looks at him, then Ryan) which to me is Ryan: Seth! Seth: we'll talk about this tomorrow (Theresa nods) goodnight Theresa: night Ryan: alright, goodnight (Ryan leaves and Theresa watches him go, then she walks over to the grocery bag and picks up a fuchsia coloured box. camera changes so we can see the box says 'Pregnancy Test' Theresa looks at the box, then looks up with a worried look on her face) Theme song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen kitchen - Kirsten, Sandy, Julie and Caleb are in there together Julie: so what's it gonna be Cal (hands him photos) the Hyatt Newporter, the pool at the four seasons hotel where everybody gets married or the beautiful glass cathedral over looking the ocean at the Wayfarer's Chapel hm? Caleb: (looks at his watch) uh I have to get ta work w-whatever you like, Juju (kisses her on the cheek) Julie: (disappointed) oh Caleb: sorry about breakfast Kiki Kirsten: dad the only reason we're having this breakfast is so that we can do some work, you have ben so busy with the wedding lately I haven't even seen you Julie: really? because every time i've asked him ta help me with the wedding he says he's working with you Sandy: really so Caycay what'ya ben doin all this time Caleb: don't you have some place ta be Sandy: as a matter'a fact i'm meetin Jimmy for breakfast, I bet even that sounds pretty good to you right about now Caleb: the Wayfarer Chapel it is Julie: w-w are you sure I mean these photos don't really do it justice, you know what I should take you up there this weekend, you'll love it Caleb: uh I wish I could, i'm outta town Julie: what, since when, you can't go out of town we're getting married next week Caleb: just one night...business Kirsten: business where? Caleb: uhh...Nevada Julie: Nevada as in Los Vegas Nevada Caleb: actually Kirsten: dad you're going outta town for one night to Vegas on business, what business? Julie: there is no business your going ta Vegas because your having a bachelor party aren't you Caleb: some of the investors an I are Julie: hiring strippers, drinking too much an gambling all night the weekend before our wedding (Ryan and Seth come in while Julie speaks) Sandy: gees it sounds like a bachelor party ta me, I have'ta admit I-I feel a little hurt that I wasn't invited Seth: yeah me too Sandy: not that I have any affection for you Caycay you know that but...I do love the Vegas Seth: I didn't know you love the Vegas dad Sandy: (giddy) oh I love the Vegas, I love the Vegas, Ryan how'da you feel about the Vegas Ryan: uh i've never ben to the Vegas my mom was all about the Reno Seth: dad we should go, you love Vegas, Ryan an I have never ben oh an he can use his uh mutant card counting abilities, pay for the whole trip Julie: sounds like fun for the whole family (Seth nods & raises his eyebrows) Ryan: yeah it does but what about Theresa Kirsten: well I can take care of Theresa, you guys should go Caleb: do I have any say in this Julie: ugh uh no (kisses his cheek) mw, enjoy your bachelor party (Julie leaves and Caleb smiles at them) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Sandy knocks on the door and Jimmy opens it Sandy: hey Jimmy: hey Sandy: ready for breakfast Jimmy: almost, my realtor is on her way just have'ta give her the contract Sandy: contract for what Jimmy: well with any luck (pushes a few buttons on his laptop which brings up a photo) my new house Sandy: (impressed) Jimmy it's right on the beach, its perfect! Jimmy: (smiles) yeah I jus wanna give Marissa a home she can be proud of y'know, what about you what're you gonna do with your half'a Caleb's money Sandy: actually i'm takin some of it with me ta Vegas this weekend, the boys an I are crashin his bachelor party (Jimmy laughs) you wanna come Jimmy: are you kidding, the man bailed us out, took Julie off my hands, ill buy him his first lap dance (Sandy laughs) (doorbell) hell ill give him one myself, can you-can you grab that I jus gotta get the contract (Sandy opens the door) Realtor: hi Sandy: hi Realtor: Gail van Deepen you must be Sandy Sandy: hi yeah Realtor: congratulations on selling the restaurant Sandy: oh Realtor: you guys musta made a fortune, I heard that Robert Campbell is gonna turn that whole area into an outdoor mall Sandy: Robert Campbell we uh we actually sold the restaurant to Caleb Nichol Realtor: oh well then I guess Caleb Nichol is gonna make a fortune, well another fortune right, but you an Jimmy musta made good money soo what're you gonna do next (Sandy is speechless, the realtor looks at him) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan and Marissa are walking in the halls Marissa: I wanna kill him, of course then id probably have'ta go to jail but it would be better then having to move in with him an my mom right, an that way I wouldn't have'ta tell my dad i'm moving out Ryan: you still haven't told him Marissa: well-well what am I spose'ta say that Caleb's blackmailing me, then my dad'll kill him an ill have'ta move in with my mom Ryan: so..what're you gonna tell him Marissa: I don't know but I guess I have'ta do it by this weekend huh Ryan: actually I think your dad might be goin'a Vegas this weekend Marissa: how do you know? Ryan: (softly) because I might be goin'a Vegas this weekend Marissa: (suprised) for what Ryan: Caleb's bachelor party Marissa: what? with like uh strippers an prostitutes an showgirls Ryan: yeah I don't know I hope so (Marissa shoves him playfully) what no i'm not gonna go I mean I can't leave Theresa here all by herself Marissa: Theresa, what about me? Ryan: we-you-you know what I mean you got Summer an your sister Theresa she's got nobody Marissa: well she's got me, I mean I am your girlfriend right...so I mean any friend of yours is a friend'a mine, right (Ryan kisses her) Ryan: you are my girlfriend Marissa: (smiles) glad ta hear it (kiss again) mm now about those strippers Ryan: w-what strippers I don't even know of any strippers (they kiss again) CUT TO: Kirsten's office - Julie is in there with her Julie: I don't want Chippendales I want STRIPPERS full on full frontal male strippers, preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas Kirsten: ah-huh or I could invite the girls over an I could throw you a lovely catered bachelourette cocktail party Julie: with strippers Kirsten: without strippers, Julie we are smart sophisticated women we don't need strange naked me dancing infront of us to be entertained Julie: (pouts) i'm not as smart as you, plus the boys are getting strippers Kirsten: the boys are not getting strippers Julie: Kirsten, its Las Vegas you get strippers as a side with your entrée, course their getting strippers why else would Sandy go ta Vegas with Caleb Kirsten: (starting to give in) strippers huh Julie: (excited) ah huh lets get all the newpsies inta limos, drive ta LA have dinner on Sunset then head south to Mantopia or the stud farm Kirsten: you've done your research Julie: (grins) Todd in accounting, who also told me about this place called the petting zoo, its not exactly legal but- Kirsten: Julie, I am not going to a place called the petting zoo, you don't know where the pets have ben Julie: we'll be too drunk ta care Kirsten: no strippers! Julie: just one! stripper (begs) please jus one little stripper who never hurt anyone he was jus tryin'a make his way in the world (Kirsten looks at her) naked Kirsten: (tries not to laugh) one - little - stripper Julie: yesss you're the best! but no Chippendales, an not little (Kirsten turns around and Julie grins at her and raises her eyebrows) CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth and Summer are in the student lounge Summer: a bachelor party Seth: (nods) mm-hmm where really anything could happen Summer: uh...good ta know Seth: yeah jus kind of a courtesy thing really seein as how last time I checked we were still boyfriend an girlfriend, even though you've ben ignoring me in the halls and don't return any of my calls, I didn't mean for that ta rhyme Summer: (closes her eyes) look Cohen Seth: look I jus want you ta tell me that your not gonna let what your dad thinks of me break us up Summer: (looks down) he's my dad Seth: so what, I don't Summer I don't care about your dad, ok I care about you alot an if that's not good enough for you th (realises) obviously that's not good enough for you so i'm gonna go ta Vegas (walks away) (Summer turns around, stamps her foot out of frustration) Summer: (softly) wa (Summer watches him leave, sad) CUT TO: The pool house - Theresa is in there and Ryan comes in Ryan: hey Theresa: hey Ryan: how's work, how're ya feelin Theresa: good, um i'm actually going back I picked up another shift tonight Ryan: oh Marissa an I were kinda hopin we could all hang out Theresa: yeah I cant um I have'ta make money if i'm gonna go to Atlanta Ryan: (shocked) Atlanta? Theresa: yeah my cousin Kim lives in Atlanta an she said I can go stay with her as long as I pay my own way so (Ryan looks disappointed) I mean she doesn't have a pool house or anything but...that way maybe I can get a second chance too (begins to leave) Ryan: how much you need Theresa: ...Ryan I can't take your money...I don't even (shrugs) I two thousand dollars Ryan: ill ask the Cohen's Theresa: no you wont (Ryan sighs) listen ta me this is not your problem ok, go, win (smiles) make money that's what i'm gonna do (Ryan smiles) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Seth, Ryan and Marissa are in there talking. a skateboarding video game is on the TV, Seth turns it off Seth: two thousand dollars huh (thinks) well i've got about (makes click sound w/his mouth) id say i've got about a thousand (sits on table) in uh savings bonds, bahmitzvah bucks Marissa: yeah an I could throw in a couple hundred Seth: yeah Ryan: I can't ask you guys ta do that Marissa: well you didn't ask, we volunteered Ryan: well thanks but it's still not enough Seth: but you could make it enough you can take that money ta Vegas an you can like triple it on the black jack tables right Ryan: (unsure) uh I don't know I mean its ben a while since i've done the whole card counting thing Seth: that's fine listen i'm 'onna start you off slow right, if you suck i'm jus gonna cut you off Ryan: (frowns) well how do we get into the casinos? Seth: I don't know I think we'd use our fake ideas (pulls them out) Marissa: (suprised) you have fake ids Seth: (hands one to Marissa) C.D Sebulski of Manwell park? its good to meet you have you met my associate (hands it to Ryan) Marty Nayfis (smiles) Marissa: oh god (Ryan raises his eyebrows when he looks at his) Marissa: ok look, you guys go ta Vegas, ill take care of Theresa, if you win great...if not well then Theresa never has'ta know, well what'do you have to lose Seth: just a thousand dollars in bahmitzah bonds but other then that nothin...(to Ryan) you in (Marissa & Seth both look at him) Marty are you in Ryan: (thinks) (raises his eyebrows) i'm in CUT TO: The guys arriving at the hotel in Vegas, Ryan and Seth walk in first, followed by Jimmy, Caleb and finally Sandy Seth: welcome ta Vegas (smiles) Ryan: Reno was never like this (smiles) Caleb: (looks around) what is this place Sandy: this is the Hard Rock hotel an casino, according to Seth it is ground zero for...aging hipsters like yourself Caleb: (looks at Sandy) I thought we were going to Caesars Seth: yeah about that Caesars didn't have a permanent Springsteen exhibit Jimmy: although they do have Celine Dion Seth: yet another reason we're staying here Sandy: hey mock if you must but the woman can sing, sing, sing Seth: your gonna regret saying that on your birthday Jimmy: yeah, really Amy: welcome to the Hard Rock my name is Amy, which one of you is Mr. Cohen (Sandy and Seth both step forward) Sandy: oh hi Seth: hi Amy (shakes her hand) we spoke on the phone, its good to see you Amy: yes its good to see you, we have the penthouse all ready for you Mr. Cohen, if you gentleman will follow me Sandy: (impressed) the penthouse Seth: yeah Sandy: so who's card did ya put that on Seth: oh please, the old mans Sandy: oh I love you son, I love you Seth: I love you too dad (puts his arm around Sandy's shoulder) Sandy: aw Seth: jus not as much as I love Vegas (Sandy laughs) Amy: the casino, restaurants, pool an spa are all on this level, and if you follow me ill show you our famous bowling alley Caleb: dear god there's a bowling alley Amy: yes sir, it's in your room CUT TO: The penthouse - Seth and Ryan are playing ten pin bowling. Seth knocks down all but 2 pins, he throws his hands in the air Seth: did you see that I just - almost - bowled a strike (hits Ryan in the arm) in our hotel room man i'm never goin home (Ryan hits him back) (Jimmy is walking around excited, Caleb isn't impressed) Caleb: it's like a million dollar frat house Jimmy: (laughs) I know, it's fantastic Caleb: hmm well i'm gonna explore the casino Amy: may I give you gentleman a tour Caleb: no ill find my own way thanks Sandy: (hands her money) we're good, thanks (Amy smiles and goes to leave, Ryan and Seth stop her) Ryan: uh actually you know what we'll uh we'll take that tour Seth: yeah Amy: oh sure I jus need ta see some ID (Ryan and Seth look at each other then take their wallets out) Amy: its just a formality, we have alot of kids under 21 using fake IDs to get onto the casino floor, we'd hate to have'ta throw them out of the hotel (they both put their wallets away) Seth: you know what Amy, I don't think we're gonna need that tour actually Amy: oh Seth: but thankyou for stopping by Amy: absolutely Seth: so much, you're really sweet (Amy leaves) Seth: what're we gonna do man, I don't wanna get thrown outta the hotel, I love the hotel Ryan: me too Seth: I wanna marry the hotel an have little gambling addicted alcoholic kids with it Ryan: it'll be fine, we'll find another casino Seth: what like-like a youth casino Ryan: (laughs) Seth its Vegas, you wanna find some action in this town, all you gotta do is ask CUT TO: The casino floor - Caleb is playing something and his phone rings Caleb: (answers) yeah...where're we doin this...no i'm at the Hard Rock of all places...fine, i'm on my cell (Sandy walks up behind him) Sandy: so, where's the party Caleb: there is no party just a quiet dinner Sandy: hey speakin'a dinner have you figured out what your gonna do with the restaurant Caleb: not yet, you an Jimmy figured out what your gonna do with all that money that I paid ya for it Sandy: i'm puttin all mine on the hard ways, Jimmy's gonna buy a house for himself an Marissa Caleb: really? last time I talked ta Marissa she was planning on moving in with us (Sandy looks at Caleb confused) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Summer, Marissa and Hailey are sitting on the couch together, they all look un happy/bored Hailey: i'm sorry but does it strike anyone else as tragic that the boys are in Las Vegas doing god knows what while we're sitting here watching the Valley marathon Marissa: hey its Sums favourite show ok (to Summer) right Sum...are you crying Summer: (tears streaming down her face) no. it's a sad episode (sniffs) Marissa: (whispers to Hailey) she broke up with Seth Summer: Coop! Hailey: what! why? Marissa: her dad doesn't approve Summer: Coop! Hailey: please, you think my dad approves of Jimmy Cooper, the mans a felon (Marissa looks at her) no offence Marissa: yeah I know, anyway my mom still doesn't approve of Ryan Hailey: its like a rule like your parents almost have'ta disapprove otherwise the s*x isn't any good (Marissa and Summer look at her) was that an over-share? Marissa: yeah, he kinda is my dad (door bell) Hailey: yeah, ill get the door (Hailey opens the door and Kirsten is there) Hailey: (frowns) hey Kirsten: hey, uh can I talk to you, alone Marissa: (in the background) uh lets uh move Summer: yeah (Marissa and Summer both get off the couch) Hailey: you want me to get you a stripper Kirsten: well not me, Julie an I only ask because...you were a stripper Hailey: can I ask you something, how do you get yourself inta these things Kirsten: I wish I knew Hailey: does she have a picture of you wearing culottes or something...you don't even like Julie Cooper Kirsten: ssshh, Marissa's still here, an that's not entirely true Hailey: you let her walk all over you Kirsten: you're upset with her because she's marrying dad Hailey: yeah for his money, the same reason that she married Jimmy Kirsten: well she's not your biggest fan either Hailey: (confused) sooo why am I getting her a stripper Kirsten: because if you don't, she's gonna make me take her to a place called the petting zoo which according to Todd in accounting...they pet Hailey: (laughs) you know what, ill do it. if Julie Cooper wants a stripper, I know jus the man for the job Kirsten: (smiles) thankyou (Hailey smirks/laughs) CUT TO: Las Vegas - Ryan and Seth are walking around outside by Hard Rock's gorgeous beach Seth: we live in an age'a miracles Ryan, look at them frolicking look how much fun that is, with the bowling alleys in the penthouse Ryan: (smiles) yeah Seth: you know what i'm sayin hotel rooms, there's beaches in the middle of the desert...there is so many bikini cladded women that I haven't even thought about Summer since like Ryan: since you left a message on her machine in the hotel room Seth: sure that's right but that was also twenty minutes ago, you know what i'm sayin i'm feelin liberated now confident Ryan: ah-huh Seth: like I could walk up'ta anyone'a these women an just...converse you know what i'm saying Ryan: great (pushes him) go for it (Seth disappears out of the shot then comes back in almost immediately) Seth: the thing is I don't wanna be rude to you Ryan: I can take care'a myself Seth: yeah w-but I cant I can't, I can't jus go up to some strange girl an say oooh Jen: excuse me would you mind if I kissed you Seth: are you talkin ta me (a guy walks passed and Jen kisses Seth, Ryan watches them. when the guy dissapears Jen stops kissing Seth) Jen: sorry Hard Rock's kind of exclusive, can't use the beach unless your with a guest so Seth: (stunned) oooh Jen: i'm Jen (holds her hand out) Seth: Seth Jen: an you are an excellent kisser, can I buy you guys a drink, say thanks Seth: uh (laughs) yeah I think we're out so that (phone rings) um jus hold on one second its Summer (answers) hey (Summer is in Marissa's bedroom) Summer: Cohen listen i've ben thinking Seth: yeah (same guy from before walks by) Jen: hey I have to kiss you again (kisses him) Summer: what! Marissa: what? Summer: Cohen what is going on over there? (Summer is listening) Jen: wow, you're an amazing kisser Seth: hold that thought please (to Summer) hey Summer um (Summer hangs up) Seth: hello CUT TO: Summer and Marissa on Marissa's bed Summer: he's kissing another girl Marissa: (shocked) no Summer: yes right infront'a me on the phone, I can't believe this I have ben crying actual tears over that ass an he's kissing randoms! Marissa: ok you know what, we're gonna have a girls night out ok, Theresa's coming over an we can do whatever you want Summer: really, cause all I wanna do right now (angry) is go ta Las Vegas an kick Cohen's ass CUT TO: Ryan and Seth Seth: she's gonna kick my ass Ryan: yeah Jen: was that your girlfriend? Seth: was bein the operative word there Jen: I am so sorry Seth: no its listen Jen: I should go, I shouldn't even be here I should-I should go, I have a paper ta write anyway Ryan: yeah yeah we should probably go too so Jen: where're you guys headed, can I give you a life somewhere Ryan: you have a car here? Jen: I live here I go to UNOV (Ryan and Seth nod) English major, with a weakness for fake beaches, what about you guys Seth: uh Ryan: uh jus visiting Seth: yeah Ryan: actually we're lookin for a black jack game ta get into Seth: yeah its sorta business Jen: I don't know about black jack but a couple'a guys from my class are doing this poker thing down town, its kind of intense though (raises her eyebrows) wanna go (Seth and Ryan look at each other) Seth: yeah Ryan: sure CUT TO: Jimmy and Sandy standing near the hotel pool, they are standing on like an enlcosed wooden deck and the pool is below them Sandy: hey Jimmy: how'd it go with Caleb? Sandy: ahh he stonewalled me I got nothin Jimmy: maybe he's just out here for his bachelor party Sandy: (laughs) yeah right, yeah a bachelor party where Robert Campbell just happened ta stop by an pay him a half a billion dollars for the coast line Jimmy: so he's profiting from our loss he's Caleb Nichol, that's what he does, he paid us a huge amount'a money for that restaurant, he's the only reason I can put a bid on a house Sandy: you may wanna retract that bid, cause according ta Caleb...Marissa's movin in with him (Jimmy looks at Sandy shocked) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa and Theresa are now the only ones there Marissa: yeah so Summer had'ta go home but she wants us ta call if we go out Theresa: yeah, I don't feel like going out much if that's ok Marissa: yeah no of course its ok, we'll just order in you want like Indian, Chinese, Sushi Theresa: no not Sushi, I can't do raw fish Marissa: ok um well what about something else ta drink I think we have like juice, soda (raises her eyebrows) beer Theresa: no I can't...I mean I shouldn't, thanks Marissa: you can't drink (sits) you can't have sushi (jokingly) what're you pregnant (Theresa doesn't say anything) oh my god are you pregnant (Theresa looks at her) CUT TO: Las Vegas - Ryan, Seth & Jen are walking into the poker game Ryan: we're jus playing Texas hold em right Jen: yep, last time I was here it was like a 250 buy-in Seth: as in two hundred an fifty dollars (Jen nods) Ryan: what you play? Jen: yeah jus for fun, well it was fun until last time I lost that two hundred an fifty (a big bouncer looking guy steps in front of, Jen waves at him and he lets them pass to go to the table) Jen: these guys, they don't play for fun Seth: (to Ryan) you do know how'ta play poker right Ryan: yeah...haven't played in a while but Jen: i'm gonna go buy us a drink Seth: ok Jen: ok (walks away) Ryan: look we don't have'ta do this Seth: yeah well what about Theresa Ryan: Theresa's not your responsibility Seth: well she's not yours either yet here we are so listen (puts money in his hand) I love the Vegas, its time ta see if the Vegas loves me (Ryan sits at the table. Seth accidentally walks into a man with a cow boy hat on, he looks rough but he just nods at Seth) Seth: howdy [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa and Theresa are sitting at the kitchen table, both are quiet Theresa: ...I haven't told anyone, not my mom...not Eddie...especially not Ryan you're the only one who knows so Marissa: well i'm not gonna tell anyone I promise (Theresa nods) hey do you not wanna talk about this Theresa: i've ben going crazy keeping this to myself Marissa: ok so do y-do you know what you wanna do Theresa: I don't even have the money ta get ta Atlanta, so... I have no idea how I would pay for an...(upset) I mean even if I had the baby, I work in a bakery you know what am I spose'ta do Marissa: well maybe if you talk ta Eddie Theresa: (shakes her head) no I cant, he'll try'ta convince me ta marry him an have the baby...or else he'll say it isn't his Marissa: who else's could it be? (Theresa doesn't say anything, they just look at each other) CUT TO: Las Vegas - Inside the poker game. Seth is sitting at the bar next to this big guy, Seth's drinking out of a shot glass with a straw {so funny} someone blows smoke in his face and he turns around to watch the poker game ATH(angry trucker hat): all in, twenty five hundred (puts his chips in) (Ryan looks at his cards then puts his chips in) Ryan: (turns his cards over) pocket aces (ATH throws his cards and gets up from the table. Ryan collects his winnings and leaves the table) Seth: hey hey how ya doin there buddy Ryan: we got your bahmitzvah money, we got uh Theresa's money now we gotta go Seth: nooo, what about the Ryan-an-Seth-go'ta-Europe money my man get back in there we can get vespas Ryan: vespas really Seth: yeah it's Europe or w- Harleys I don't know whatever the point is man why quit when you're ahead Ryan: cause if we don't angry trucker hat over there is gonna hurt me Seth: maybe he's not angry at you, maybe he's angry cause he found out people don't wear trucker hats anymore come on i'm doin so good with Jen, I think Ryan: so invite her back to the hotel room or somethin Seth: it is...kinda sweaty in here id like ta do that but how am I gonna do that (Jen walks over) Ryan: hey so uh Seth an I were wondering iiiiffff Seth: if you would like ta come back to our hotel room with us an go bowling, which is not as weird as it sounds Jen: wait are you guys staying in the pent house, my girlfriends an I have always wanted to rent that out for a night but it's so expensive Seth: (smiles) yeah well uh you should call them, you should bring them over Jen: (smiles) are you serious Seth: yeah, call em Jen: ok, thanks (kisses him on the cheek) (Jen and Seth walk off, Ryan laughs and shakes his head then follows them) CUT TO: Cohen house - Its Julies bachelourette party Kirsten walks outside to where Julie is Kirsten: now isn't this better then some seedy Hollywood club (hands her champagne) Julie: mm-hmm (drinks) mm when's the stripper gettin here (Kirsten looks at her) don't tell me I want it ta be a surpise (door bell) (gasps) suprise (grins) Kirsten: ill get it Julie: um maybe I better go with you know uh-hm incase it's a UPS man an I have'ta sign for the package or maybe its a plumber an he needs ta tighten my pipes or you know what (opens the door) what if its- Hailey (less friendly) what're you doing here Hailey: Kirsten invited me, since you clearly forgot (walks in) Julie: my memories fine Kirsten: (sighs) crab cakes Hailey: I can't stay I jus saw a fire truck out front an wanted'ta make sure everything was ok Julie: fire truck! (a fireman walks in, Julie's mouth is wide open) FM: is it hot in here (takes off his shirt revealing his chest) or is it just me (another guy walks in carrying a stereo on his shoulder, Julie grins and puts her finger to her mouth, the second guy walks in and gives his fire hat to Kirsten. 2 more guys come through the front door and pick Julie up. Julie squeals then laughs as she's carried by them. they put her on the table then one of the guys gets up there with her. Hailey is watching and smiling) Kirsten: Hailey (trying not to laugh) I said one stripper (Julie is still on the table dancing with the guy, the girls and the strippers are all having fun together. in the background the phone rings. Kirsten goes into the kitchen to answer it) Kirsten: hello Sandy: hey Kirsten: oh thank god its you there are four male strippers dressed as fireman dancing in our living room Sandy: theme stripping you gotta love that (in the background we see one of the strippers strip down to his bright red undies, all the women scream) Kirsten: oh wait, now there not dressed as anything at all Sandy: well try'ta keep em off the furniture Kirsten: so how's everything going in Vegas? Sandy: let me ask you somethin, do you find it at all odd that after your father bought into the restaurant as powerful as he is...we were still denied our liquor license Kirsten: well yeah but the guy that was on the liquor board was an ex client of Jimmy's Sandy: so your dad doesn't know anyone on the liquor board Kirsten: well he knows everyone but why would he do something like that he was a partner in the restaurant Sandy: so he could buy us out cheap an turn around an sell it to Robert Campbell for ten times as much Kirsten: Sandy he wouldn't do that Sandy: oh honey when are you gonna realise, there is nothing your dad wouldn't do Kirsten: well what're you gonna do Sandy: i'm gonna talk to your father CUT TO: Hard Rock - Seth, Ryan and Jen are walking back in Seth: hey Ryan Ryan: yeah Seth: i'm proud'a you man, not as proud as if we were on vespas but... Ryan: right Seth: (to Jen) hey Jen we're gonna do uh strip bowling, i'm not a very good bowler so you'll probably see my tush (in the background Jimmy motions for Ryan to come over) Ryan: hey you guys go ahead i'm gonna catch up alright Seth: yeah hurry up Ryan: ok (he walks over to Jimmy) Jimmy: (on the phone) hey I still haven't heard from you I jus wanna make sure your ok Ryan's here he'd like ta say hi so uh give us a call back ok, I love you kiddo (hangs up) (to Ryan) i've ben callin her all day an she hasn't picked up her cell Ryan: is everything ok Jimmy: (sighs) listen do you know...anything about Marissa moving in with Caleb an Julie Ryan: uh yeah, she finally told you Jimmy: no, she didn't...Caleb told Sandy, is there somethin I should know (Ryan looks shocked) what Ryan: nah nothin I jus I don't know why he'd do that they had a deal Jimmy: a deal? what kinda deal (Ryan looks at him) CUT TO: Summer in the lobby of Hard Rock Summer: (to person) move (to front desk lady) hi the name is Cohen C - O - H - E - N (unsure) I think that's how you spell it CUT TO: The pent house - Seth and Jen are in the room together Seth: (looking out the balcony) you can pretty much see the entire strip from here Jen: (in a dressing down) yeah you can see it from here too (takes off her robe, she's in a bikini) Seth: (mouth wide open) it's very impressive Jen: (goes over to him) wait till ya see what happens next Seth: mm I would actually I would like that very much to see what happens next the thing is i'm kind of in love with my girlfriend, an that makes it weird Jen: ex girlfriend, right Seth: that's a good point Jen: mm-hm (kisses him) (Summer opens the doors) Summer: (yells) Cohen! Seth: Summer! (Ryan runs in after Summer) Ryan: I-I tried'ta stop her Summer: get away from him whore Seth: whoa whoa hey hey she's not a whore ok she goes to UNOV Summer: oooh you know i'm sorry (loud) skank (in the background we hear 'hello' then 3 more girls walk in) Summer: (laughs) mm did somebody order more skanks Jen: come on in you guys, Ryan, Seth this is Valerie, Shannon an Grace (Seth waves, then goes to talk to summer. a guy appears from around the corner) Lucas: aren't you gonna introduce me Jen: what are you doing here Lucas? Lucas: this many girls, i'm gonna need payment before the party Seth: (confused) uhhh b- no payment are you uh Ryan: you're a prostitute Summer: (hits Seth) I knew it Lucas: so four girls till midnight plus ya had Jen all afternoon Seth: no man I think i've ben had all afternoon Lucas: uhh either way its two fifty an hour which brings us to a grand total of (makes clicking sound with his mouth) five thousand dollars (Ryan and Seth close their eyes in disbelief) Lucas: so what'll it be gentleman cash cheque or charge CUT TO: still in the pent house - the 'pros' are playing ten pin bowls. Seth goes over to Ryan Seth: I hate the Vegas (sits next to Summer on the couch) my entire life i've never even seen a prostitute now I have four of em taking advantage of me in my hotel room, an not in a nice way (Ryan sits between Seth & Summer) Summer: well way ta go whore boy Seth: thanks Ryan: alright alright Summer how much money you got Summer: (frowns) i'm not giving you my money, i'm not the one that was worked on Seth: hey I wasn't worked on ok I was entrapped, besides this is your fault anyways you're the one who broke up with me Summer: oh so you hire yourself a call girl Seth: what? your dad wouldn't approve Summer: this has nothing ta do with my dad! (Ryan leans back on the couch so now Summer and Seth are basically next to each other, arguing) Seth: (points) your absolutely right it doesn't Summer: ok so maybe I over reacted a little Seth: yeah maybe a little I don't know Summer: (yells) well maybe if you didn't try so hard with him Seth: I only did that because I knew that it was important to you Summer: (calms down) swear nothing else happened with the skank ho Seth: I swear, one kiss (Ryan looks at him) maybe four (Ryan gets up from the couch) Summer: well I hope you enjoyed them because if (emphasised) anything like this happens again, ill kill you Ryan: yeah well you won't have to, if we don't get five thousand soon her pimp will Seth: well between my money an Theresa's money it's only three thousand Summer: (opens her bag) three thousand five hundred (holds out her money to Seth) (Seth hands it to Ryan, in the background Jen comes in) Ryan: thanks but that...still leaves us fifteen hundred short Jen: you know you guys did buy us till midnight, that's more then enough time for another game of no limit hold'em (Seth looks at Ryan) Seth: (to Summer) that's a card game not hooker talk (Summer frowns) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Julie walks up to one of the firemen strippers Julie: uh-hm well that was some performance Guy: (laughs) believe me that...that was nothing (holds her top tie) what're you doing after the party Julie: getting married Guy: (laughs) yeah but not tonight right Julie: (thinks about it) let me get my purse (walks away in shock) (to Kirsten) ooh thanks for the party Kirsten: you're leaving Julie: i'm exhausted and the boys are getting back from Vegas early so (looks at Hailey talking to the stripper) please tell me your sisters not hitting on that poor stripper Kirsten: ooh there-there old friends (Julie raises her eyebrows) in fact uh Hailey set this whole thing up Julie: she did Kirsten: (nods) mm-hmm Julie: really (hands Kirsten her glass) excuse me (walks over to Hailey) so what was the plan Hailey (Hailey smiles) get your stripper friend to proposition me then tell daddy all about it an the weddings off Hailey: (rolls her eyes) please, I knew you'd never sleep with Jeff, he doesn't make enough money Julie: an what the hell is that suppose'ta mean Hailey: well you married Jimmy for his money, an now my dad you see Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey your a whore (Julie slaps Hailey hard) Jeff: (puts his head back) oooohhh (Kirsten is watching) Hailey: (brings her head forward) your goin down bitch (pushes Julie) Julie: (yells) who're you callin bitch, bitch (pushes Hailey) Kirsten: (shocked) oh my god (we see Julie and Hailey cat fighting, you know the girly hits. Julie gets in more hits then Hailey though) Kirsten: (runs up to them) Hailey! stop it! (Julie has Hailey by the hair) Jeff: (tries to break it up) ladies (he gets his in the face by one of them, I can't tell who cause it happens so fast) (you can hear screaming from both of them, more hitting and pushing. Kirsten watches as they both end up in the pool. Kirsten closes her eyes - they continue fighting in the pool, trying to drown each other etc. Kirsten looks as though she's trying not to laugh {side note, if you can watch this DO I was in tears the first time I saw this, it is THAT funny!} Julie tries to push Hailey's head under, they are both trashing about - Kirsten sits down and just watches helplessly, she drinks her drink) Julie: (heard in the background) I never liked you, even when you were a little twerp (screams) come on CUT TO: Sandy walking into a fancy looking restaurant Sandy: (to guy) hey how are ya i'm meetin someone here (stops and looks around) Caleb! (we see Caleb sitting at a table with another guy, Caleb doesn't look thrilled to see Sandy) Sandy: there you are gees i'm so glad you guys didn't start eatin without me, Mr. Campbell how are ya Sandy Cohen i'm Caleb's son in law (shakes his hand) former business partner h-h-how is the food here (Caleb stands from the table) Robert: filet's excellent Sandy: really Robert: yeah would you uh care ta join us (Sandy sits) Caleb: actually Robert we-we should jus- Sandy: don't mind if I do, so Mr. Campbell I understand that your interested (Caleb sits down again) in Caleb's Balboa coast line property oooh I could see why it is the perfect location (takes Caleb's drink) you mind, i'm parched (Caleb glares at him) mm as a matter of fact some partners an I recently tried ta open a restaurant there , not unlike this one e-except we had two kinds'a meatloaf an dirty martinis...the problem was we could not get a liquor license (looks at Caleb) an for the longest time we couldn't figure out why Caleb: Sandy this is not the time Sandy: (takes food from Caleb's plate) are you gonna eat that, turns out one of our partners went behind our backs to a friend'a his at the city council an got them ta deny us the liquor license, so he bought us out an now he's peddlin that piece'a property at a much higher price...ta someone else Caleb: (stands) Robert I'll have'ta ask you to excuse us Sandy: (looks at Caleb) problem is the jokes on him (Caleb sits down again) not only is he guilty of collusion an fraud but he an his property are gonna be tied up in civil litigation for months, years if I have anything ta say about it (Caleb looks at him) (to Robert) the bottom line...that coast line property its absolutely worthless (Caleb gets up from the table) what'do you think'a that Mr. Campbell Caleb: I have'ta ask you ta leave (grabs Sandy's arm) Sandy: (stands up and pulls his arm away) get your hands off me, you wanna go we'll go come on i'll take ya (Jimmy comes up behind them) Jimmy: (pushes Sandy aside) Sandy, don't, let me (Jimmy turns around and punches Caleb in the face which sends him flying onto someone's table, they all scream. Sandy holds Jimmy back) Jimmy: (yells angrily) you think you can manipulate me?! hold my daughter hostage?! (we see Caleb lying on the floor with a bloody lip) Sandy: easy easy what're you doin, you beat me to the punch (to Caleb) we'll see ya back in Newport dad (to Jimmy) come on go, go, go (Robert looks at Caleb, Caleb wipes his lip) CUT TO: Las Vegas - Ryan is back at the poker game and ATH is there too. Ryan is sitting at the table and Jen is standing a little behind him ATH: five hundred you've got nothin (throws chips in) Ryan: (looks at his card) i'm out (ATH collects his winnings, Ryan gets up from the table and goes over to Jen) Ryan: I need you ta lend me some money Jen: what! no, no way you just lost like three thousand dollars, there is no way i'm lending you money Ryan: then I guess you don't get paid Jen: look this is not a game ok you an your friends could get seriously hurt Ryan: yeah well whose fault is that? Jen: I was jus doin my job, you guys were staying in the pent house I thought you had money (Ryan looks at her) look I don't understand, this afternoon you were doing so good...now you suck Ryan: (looks at the table) so I guess angry trucker hats feelin pretty confident right now...wouldn't you say Jen: (realises) you lost on purpose Ryan: I won alotta money this afternoon...now I need yours (Jen gives him the money and he goes back to the table and sits down) Ryan: deal me in (throws the money on the table) CUT TO: Ryan, Seth and Summer walking around outside. Ryan is wearing ATH's baseball hat lol Seth: I can't believe he gave you his angry trucker hat Ryan: (bragging) he didn't give it to me I won it Seth: ooh well that's not really winning then Summer: aww be nice Cohen, he paid off your pimps...and your ho's Seth: yeah Ryan: I did lose your bahmitzvah money though, sorry Seth: I lost my bahmitzvah money ok an I also lost Theresa's money which is the only reason you even came here Ryan: nah it's not the only reason Seth: yeah you don't think the trips a total waste Ryan: nah nah I mean we won some we lost some, id say we're walkin outta Vegas pretty much even Seth: well id say some of us are walkin out ahead (puts his arm around Summer & kisses her) mwa Summer: yeah I think if it were up ta you we wouldn't be walkin out of here at all Seth: yeah but now we have a good Vegas story ta tell Summer: I don't think you wanna tell people that you lost your bahmitzvah money...on prostitutes (Seth smiles) Ryan: yeah well you know what they say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas Summer: I thought that was Tijuana Seth: I think that hat should stay in Vegas (Seth grabs it off Ryan's head) Ryan: hey, hey (Seth runs and throws it off the bridge and it lands in a gondola that has 2 people in it. Ryan and Summer walk over and look, Summer and Seth laugh) Seth: (to the couple) sorry (the guy picks it up & smiles) (they all turn away from the water, Seth sighs and looks at Summer then takes her hand in his, Summer smiles. the volcano thingo explodes and they watch it) Seth: (in awe) definitely love the Vegas (they walk away, Summer pushes Ryan mucking around, Ryan pushes her back) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy sneaks in with his bag, he takes off his shoes then walks over to the bed. Kirsten is in bed but awake, she smiles Kirsten: mm how was Vegas (Sandy kisses her) mm Sandy: definitely a spectacle, how were the strippers Kirsten: surprisingly tame actually Sandy: that's good Kirsten: yeah...considering what happened next Sandy: uh (frowns) do I wanna know Kirsten: depends Sandy: what is it Kirsten: on how you feel about drunken cat fights Sandy: (smiles) Julie an Hailey Kirsten: (nods) mm-hmm Sandy: wow, even Vegas can't compete with that Kirsten: so, how'd it go with my dad? Sandy: well, you'll be relieved ta know I did not punch him in the mouth Kirsten: that is a relief Sandy: Jimmy did Kirsten: ugh Sandy: I don't think we'll be invited back ta the Hard Rock any time soon but you know what i'm not really lookin forward ta getting back ta Vegas Kirsten: (suprised) I thought you loved the Vegas Sandy: ah I do, I do love the Vegas, cause afterwards it is soooo nice ta come home (Kirsten smiles and they kiss) CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa opens the front door and Ryan is there. Marissa doesn't look happy Ryan: (smiles) hey Marissa: (upset) you told my dad Ryan: your dad found out he-he he asked me I-I had ta tell him the truth Marissa: oh so you'll tell my dad the truth but you won't tell me Ryan: (confused) well what're you talkin about Marissa: ...you know what (begins to close the door) maybe you should just ask Theresa Ryan: (puts his hand up) whoa whoa (pushes the door open & walks in) tell me what's goin on ok (Marissa turns around with tears in her eyes) Marissa: Theresa's pregnant (Ryan is stunned) (laughs) and it might not be Eddies, so why don't you tell me what's going on (the camera zooms in on Ryan's shocked expression then Marissa upset, Ryan swallows and closes his eyes. the camera changes and we now see them side on, they stand there looking at each other. the camera gradually moves up the screeen but as it does black comes in from the top so their legs disappear, then their heads until you can only see their waists then its just completely back. {it's really well done. I was impressed the first time I saw it})

"I love the Vegas," Seth says. But Seth is a player who's played when he, Ryan, Sandy and Jimmy hit the gambling town for what's presumed to be Caleb's bachelor bash. And claws are out when Julie and Hailey attend the Newport bachelorette party.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_02x07

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_02x07_0

THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH 5:40pm - 6:05pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. CITY PLAGUE CEMETERY 7 (The ROBOMEN, unseen by the three fugitives, place the box down nearby and then walk off. The three are oblivious to the box and the ticking sound coming from within. It is a bomb. The DOCTOR hears the ticking and holds up a hand for silence.) DOCTOR: Shh!! (They all look round, trying to ascertain the source of the sound. SUSAN spots the bomb and leaps to her feet.) SUSAN: David, over there! (Points.) Look! (DAVID stands and steps towards the bomb and then turns back to his companions.) DAVID CAMPBELL: It's one of their firebombs, the robomen must have put it there. DOCTOR: (Standing up.) I... (He groans and falls to the ground as DAVID steps onto the terrace where the bomb continues to tick away.) SUSAN: Grandfather! David, he's passed out. (DAVID briefly turns back to her but is torn by his need to help SUSAN and the problem of the bomb.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Argh! It must be the effect of those drugs. (DAVID looks round the bomb and kneels down to look closer at it. SUSAN joins him.) SUSAN: He's out of sight. David, what about this bomb, can you dismantle it? I only know about atomic devices. DAVID CAMPBELL: I don't know. I'll have to try. SUSAN: (Looking at the central of the three clock like devices.) Well, what's this red mark here? DAVID CAMPBELL: It's an ignition point, I think. SUSAN: So, when the needle touches the red part... DAVID CAMPBELL: That'll be it. I'll have to take a chance. I'm going to try and prise the front off this thing. (DAVID sticks his knife into the panel on which the clock like devices stands. He pushes but his knife does no good and slips out of his hands. SUSAN panics.) SUSAN: David! Come on, let's run for it! Quick! DAVID CAMPBELL: ... Dortmun's bomb's, the acid, it'll burn its way through the casing. (DAVID reaches into his knapsack for one of the bombs.) SUSAN: Well, it's our last chance, look at the needle. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, get well back, Susan, go on back. (SUSAN stands to one side. DAVID opens one of the bombs as the ticking reaches a louder and final phase. He pours the acid over the large bomb which hisses as the casing is eaten away. There is a small explosion and smoke pours out of the top of the casing.) SUSAN: It's burning through. (DAVID picks up a metal spike lying nearby and pokes the casing in with several jabs. He throws the spike away and grasps the main dial which he then extracts from the casing. As he holds it in his hands, the ticking reaches its end...but there is no explosion. SUSAN runs to him as they both sigh with relief.) SUSAN: Oh! You did it! DAVID CAMPBELL: Huh...well, what do we do now? That's the point. We'll have to leave the old man here for a while. SUSAN: (Standing up in anger.) Leave him! DAVID CAMPBELL: Well we must! He can't travel can he? What we'll do is this: we'll tell him to hide and then you and I'll find a way out. What we'll do is go through the sewers, (He looks round.) there's got to be a manhole cover around here somewhere. SUSAN: I don't like the idea of leaving him. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, we'll come back for him. Look, the Daleks think this area's in flames. So he'll be safe for an hour. SUSAN: David, we can't! DAVID CAMPBELL: It's the only way. [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CIVIC TRANSPORT MUSEUM (BARBARA is using a foot-pump to pump up the tyres on a dustvan. JENNY walks up to her.) JENNY: Alright, I'll take a turn. (Tired, BARBARA steps off the pump and JENNY takes her place.) BARBARA: How's the engine look? JENNY: Well, there's oil in it and the fuel's coming through. The troubles going to be when we try to start it. The noise will bring every Dalek for miles. BARBARA: Well, that's a risk we'll have to take. JENNY: (Sharply.) Yes, I know that. BARBARA: I suppose they use this in parades and exhibitions. JENNY: Yes, most of the machines at the museum are operational. BARBARA: It's a pity all the motor cars are on the other floors. (JENNY steps off the pump and looks up at the van.) JENNY: You realise we won't get far in this? BARBARA: Probably. JENNY: No probably about it. Do you know the route to Bedfordshire? BARBARA: Yes, I used to... JENNY: "Used to"? What does that mean? BARBARA: It means I used to live...well, we're...(Unsure how to answer.) we're not very sure how much damage the Daleks have done. JENNY: (Smiling.) You wait 'til you've seen what they've done to Bedfordshire. (As she walks away, BARBARA looks pensive.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. MINEWORKINGS (A DALEK glides past a huge earth moving machine which is partly overgrown with vegetation. As it moves off, IAN and LARRY MADISON come out of hiding from behind the machine and look round their surroundings. Drilling sounds fill the air.) IAN: I don't know how you're going to find your brother here, Larry. LARRY MADISON: I gonna have a darn good try. IAN: If you do find him, what're you going to for him? LARRY MADISON: Get him away and...he's obsessed with whatever the Daleks are doing. Look! (LARRY points. A DALEK glides near to a railway. It stops and watches as a wagon is pulled along by a large crowd of exhausted emaciated men and women dressed in rags. ROBOMEN stand in the wagon shouting at the slaves and cracking whips.) ROBOMAN: Forward! (The wagon is pulled towards a mine opening.) ROBOMAN: Forward! (The slaves continue to pull the wagon past two more DALEKS.) ROBOMAN: Forward! (The slaves struggle on...) ROBOMAN: Forward! (The wagon is pulled through the mine entrance. IAN points upwards and LARRY sees several mine buckets pulled along a mid-air pulley system across the area of the huge quarry-like mine workings.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. MINE (Drills continue to pound at the rock face as underground machinery swings into motion.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. MINEWORKINGS (As IAN and LARRY continue to observe, an announcement echoes through the air.) DALEK: (OOV.) Recall meter section 001. Parade for robotisation selection at hut 30. End. IAN: We'd better get back under cover. LARRY MADISON: They seem to have moved... (As they turn to go, they are stopped by the arrival of WELLS, a middle-aged balding man dressed in overalls. He talks in a Somerset accent.) WELLS: Oy! Who are you two? Aren't you on work detail? Escaped have you? I suppose you know the robomen are on the other side of this machine? ROBOMAN: (OOV.) Wait! (Before the ROBOMAN steps into view, WELLS picks up two pickaxes.) WELLS: (Quietly.) Take these. Leave the talking to me. ROBOMAN: What...are...these...two...men...doing...here? WELLS: I took 'em off work detail to help me pick up these tools. ROBOMAN: Which...work...detail? WELLS: Uh, I dunno, over that way somewhere... (WELLS points beyond IAN and LARRY. With glazed eyes, the ROBOMAN looks briefly in that direction then turns back. It walks towards IAN and LARRY, looks over them, then turns to WELLS.) WELLS: I'll take 'em back with me. ROBOMAN: Nooo...they...must...come...for...selection. (The ROBOMAN turns to go, then realises that IAN and LARRY are not following him.) ROBOMAN: Why...do...you...wait? (He points at the pickaxes.) Pick...up...the...implements...and walk...ahead of...me. (IAN picks up one of the pickaxes and walks past the ROBOMAN who continues to stare at LARRY.) ROBOMAN: (To LARRY.) You...too!! (LARRY does the same as IAN. The ROBOMAN picks up a club off the ground and walks back to WELLS.) ROBOMAN: You! (He viscously clubs WELLS to the ground.) ROBOMAN: In...future, refer...all...decisions...to your...masters. WELLS: Oh, my head... (IAN and LARRY run back to help WELLS.) ROBOMAN: What...are you...doing? IAN: We can't leave him here. ROBOMAN: Do not...resist...orders. IAN: Get new orders. ROBOMAN: Ahh... (Unable to deal with this insurrection, the ROBOMAN'S mouth hangs open as sounds emanate from his helmet.) IAN: Come on Larry, let's take him in here. (IAN and LARRY pick up WELLS and opening the door, carry him into the earth mover. Behind them, a light on the side of his helmet flashing, the ROBOMAN continues to receive new orders.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. EARTHMOVER (IAN and LARRY look anxiously at a fast recovering WELLS.) WELLS: I'm alright, it was the only thing I could think of. IAN: Good man! Get down here. Right? (LARRY and WELLS crouch down on the floor as IAN picks up a trunction-like stick and stands to one side of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. MINEWORKINGS (Its instructions complete, the ROBOMAN hoists its rifle and walks into the earth moving machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. EARTHMOVER (He stands over LARRY and WELLS as IAN walks up behind him and coshes him to the ground.) IAN: I think that's taken care of him for a while. WELLS: (Picking up the rifle.) I'll take care of this. You'll have to get out of here. The Daleks always seem to know when one of the robomen's attacked. IAN: Yes, probably breaks the radio connection. WELLS: Your best bet is to mingle in with the working party somehow. IAN: What about you? WELLS: Huh, I come 'ere to meet Ashton. IAN: Ashton? WELLS: The black marketeer. Nobody knows how he gets into the camp or out again, but he does and smuggles in food as well. IAN: Ahh, does he? LARRY MADISON: Look, we don't want to hang about here, Ian. (WELLS walks over to the door.) WELLS: Wait 'til I'm clear then make a break for it. We'll meet again after dark. IAN: That's a good idea. Listen, I'd like to meet this man Ashton. He can probably help me out of the camp. I need to get back to London. WELLS: London? LARRY MADISON: He's got friends there. WELLS: I suppose you know they destroyed it? (WELLS runs out leaving a shocked IAN behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. CIVIC TRANSPORT MUSEUM (BARBARA and JENNY are preparing for their journey.) JENNY: No Daleks about that I can see. They must have thought Dortmun was on his own. BARBARA: I remembered to get his notes. (BARBARA puts the notes into a knapsack that she is packing.) JENNY: Why did he do it? BARBARA: Oh, many reasons. Mainly because he wouldn't give in. JENNY: Oh, what's the point of that? He just threw his life away. It was...so senseless. BARBARA: (Coldly.) Depends on how you look at it. JENNY: You've got this romantic idea about resistance. There is nothing heroic about dying. There's no point in throwing lives away just to prove a principle. BARBARA: (Sharply.) If Dortmun hadn't "thrown his life away" we would all be dead. He knew exactly what he was doing. He sacrificed himself so that you and I would have a chance. Come on, we're ready to go. (BARBARA climbs up into the dustvan and clambers across to the drivers seat. She starts the van up.) BARBARA: Open the doors. (JENNY runs out to comply.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. CIVIC TRANSPORT MUSEUM (Outside, JENNY pauses to look at DORTMUN'S body, then opens the wide doors of the museum. BARBARA drives the van out, JENNY clambers aboard and the van drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. SEWERS (SUSAN and DAVID CAMPBELL are clambering through the darkened, dripping sewers. SUSAN turns her nose up at the smell.) SUSAN: Smells like an old goat farm. (DAVID helps her over a ledge.) SUSAN: Thank you. Eergh! DAVID CAMPBELL: I think we'd better rest here. SUSAN: What a good idea. (SUSAN sits down on another smaller ledge.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, we're not likely to be found down here. SUSAN: Aren't we? (She picks up something off the floor and passes it to DAVID.) SUSAN: Look at this, David. It's an old cartridge. Can't be the Daleks, can it? They don't use guns. David, could the robomen get down here? DAVID CAMPBELL: No, I don't think so. SUSAN: Well, it must be friends then. DAVID CAMPBELL: Not necessarily. Not all human beings are automatically allies. There are people who kill for a few scraps of food. SUSAN: Survival at all costs... DAVID CAMPBELL: Yes. (DAVID examines the magazine of a pistol he is carrying.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Four bullets. Oh, of course, it's no use against the Daleks, but it will stop anyone else. SUSAN: No spares? DAVID CAMPBELL: No. I found this gun and it was all that was in it. (SUSAN suddenly sees something over DAVID'S shoulder and cries out.) SUSAN: David! (A figure is holding a gun on them.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. LONDON STREETS (The dustvan is making good progress through London, however...) JENNY: Do you think that Dalek saw us back there? BARBARA: It must have heard the noise. JENNY: Then we're in for trouble. BARBARA: Yes, they're sure to radio ahead. We may have to ditch this at any moment. (The cart passes a sign which is adorned with the jagged DALEK symbol. As it travels along, BARBARA and JENNY see a DALEK roadblock in the distance.) BARBARA: Jenny, there's a whole bunch of them ahead of us! JENNY: Shall we jump for it? BARBARA: No! I'm going through. (The four DALEKS blast their guns but BARBARA maintains her speed. The van crashes straight into one of the DALEKS, tearing it in half. The van travels on.) JENNY: (Joyfully.) We went straight through them! Straight through them! BARBARA: Yes, it wasn't too bad was it? You know, I rather enjoyed that. We won't be able to stay in this much longer though. They'll be after us with a vengeance now. [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. DALEK SAUCER. CONTROL ROOM (A radio message is received by two DALEKS in the control room.) FIRST DALEK: (OOV: over tannoy.) Rebels travelling in motorised vehicle. Have attacked and passed Dalek outer London cordon. SECOND DALEK: This is saucer alpha major. Am forty five miles south of mining area. FIRST DALEK: (OOV.) Intercept rebels and destroy. SECOND DALEK: Position of rebel vehicle? Give position. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. DALEK SAUCER (The DALEK saucer is in full flight...) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: DALEK SIGNAL (Pulsing shapes fill a screen...) FIRST DALEK: South east eight over three seven six. nought nought nine point eight. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. LONDON STREETS (The drone of the saucer is heard over the sound of the engine of the dustvan.) BARBARA: Jenny, what's that noise? (JENNY looks out of the window.) JENNY: There's a saucer overhead. (BARBARA slams on the pedals and pulls on the handbrake.) BARBARA: Jump for it. (They jump out of the van. The DALEK saucer descends and a second later the van is rent by a huge explosion. The saucer rises back into the sky...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. SEWER (SUSAN and DAVID'S would-be attacker is CARL TYLER. They have an excited reunion.) SUSAN: We were jolly lucky ... DAVID CAMPBELL: Glad we ran into you down there, Tyler. SUSAN: Hey David, now that Tyler's here we can go and get Grandfather can't we? DAVID CAMPBELL: That's a good idea. CARL TYLER: The Doctor...where is he? DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, we had to leave him by the old plague cemetery. We're trying to find a way out of this area. CARL TYLER: You don't know how lucky you were. At first I took you for scavengers. I've met a couple down here already, but this (Holding up his gun.) kept them off. SUSAN: You've shot at one, didn't you, I've just found this. CARL TYLER: I wasn't shooting at a man. These sewers are full of alligators. SUSAN: (Frightened.) Alligators? In the sewers of London? CARL TYLER: A lot of animals escaped from sewers during the plague. Most were killed but reptiles thrive down here. DAVID CAMPBELL: Well then, I...think the quicker we get going the better, eh? SUSAN: What's worse? The alligators down here or the Daleks up there. DAVID CAMPBELL: Tyler, will you give us a hand to collect the old man? CARL TYLER: I'll take you. You're going to wrong way anyway. Now, you take the back, behind Susan, that way we've got guns front and rear. DAVID CAMPBELL: Right Tyler. SUSAN: Oh Tyler, Barbara and Ian, do you know where they are? CARL TYLER: (Uninterested, without looking at SUSAN.) I'm sorry no. I'll go ahead now. You stay here until I call. (He walks off. SUSAN turns to DAVID.) SUSAN: Why was he so abrupt? DAVID CAMPBELL: Tyler? He's afraid to make friends. He's known too much killing. SUSAN: Well, I hope I'm never like that. Pretending not to care. DAVID CAMPBELL: Ahh, one day this'll be all over. It'll mean a new start. SUSAN: (Taken with the idea.) A new start? Rebuilding a planet from the very beginning. It's a wonderful idea! DAVID CAMPBELL: Well, you could always help. SUSAN: (Thoughtfully.) Yes... CARL TYLER: (OOV: further down the sewer.) All clear here...follow on now! DAVID CAMPBELL: Go on Susan, I'll keep right behind you. (They move off to join TYLER.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. SUBURBAN STREET (In front of a row of houses, BARBARA and JENNY stop next to a post box.. BARBARA looks round carefully.) BARBARA: It's alright Jenny, it's clear. JENNY: Any idea where we are? BARBARA: Oh, somewhere between Edgware and Stanmore I should think. JENNY: Oh, we're on the road to St. Albans. Barbara, suppose we don't find your friends at the mine? BARBARA: (After a thoughtful pause.) I'll think about that when we get there. Look, you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to. I can get there on my own. JENNY: (With more warmth than usual.) Well, we might as well stay together. BARBARA: (Smiles.) Alright, come on then. (They continue their journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. MINEWORKINGS (NIGHT) (In the darkness, a ROBOMAN patrols near to the earth mover. Next to the machine is an alien black glutinous creature with no discernable features save for strange thin arms ending in claws. It gives out a heartbeat type noise. IAN and LARRY run up next to the machine, passing the creature in the dark.) IAN: I tell you, I heard something. Sort of sliding noise. LARRY MADISON: Which direction? IAN: I don't know. I thought it was round here. (IAN edges round the machine but the creature quickly moves out of sight.) LARRY MADISON: What was it? (IAN doesn't answer but runs inside the earth mover to their former hiding place.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. EARTHMOVER (NIGHT) (Inside they find a dark haired man, ASHTON - the black marketeer - holding a pistol at them.) ASHTON: (Sharply.) Right. You can just turn around and go out again. LARRY MADISON: What...? With that thing out there? ASHTON: It didn't see you come in. It needn't see you go out. IAN: Are you Ashton? ASHTON: How do you know? LARRY MADISON: Er, Wells told us. We've come here looking especially for you. ASHTON: Ha! People tell all kinds of lies when they're starving. (IAN'S reply is drowned out by the strange two-toned cry and roar of the creature outside. Then he says...) IAN: I want to go to London. ASHTON: Hah, why die there? IAN: I don't intend to die anywhere. ASHTON: Can you pay? IAN: Pay? What are you talking about? ASHTON: Are you one of these "brotherhood of man" kind of people? IAN: You come in here...is there any reason why you shouldn't take me out? ASHTON: I can take you out - at the right price. IAN: And what's that? ASHTON: Gold, precious metal, jewels. IAN: I don't have anything like that. ASHTON: Then, I hope you manage to avoid the Slyther...as you leave. IAN: I'm not leaving. ASHTON: Oh no? (The door opens and WELLS comes in before ASHTON can use his pistol.) WELLS: Ashton! (WELLS shuts the door behind him and holds up a diamond necklace which ASHTON takes off him with the end of the pistol.) WELLS: That's for the food. These two are friends of mine. ASHTON: I see you managed to bring the character references just in time. Well chaps, I suppose we ought to have something to eat. (He crouches on the floor and starts sifting through a small pile of cans. WELLS stops him.) WELLS: This bundles mine. It's to be shared out amongst a lot of people and you aren't included. ASHTON: (Laughs.) I've got my own. (He stands up and walks away.) IAN: (To WELLS.) You know all the best people, don't you? WELLS: He's our only source of proper food. LARRY MADISON: What was that thing we saw out there? (Outside the creature gives another roar.) WELLS: It's called a Slyther. IAN: Slyther? What's that? ASHTON: Where do you come from, mate? Fairyland? WELLS: The Black Dalek, he's the commandant of the camp, regards it as a sort of pet. IAN: You mean it's on some sort of a guard duty, eh? WELLS: Yes, well, in a way. Mainly it roams the mine area at night in search of food. LARRY MADISON: What sort of food? ASHTON: People. (ASHTON takes a drink from a flask as the SLYTHER gives out another unearthly roar.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SEWER (NIGHT) (SUSAN reaches a junction in the sewer. She looks through a grill and shouts upwards.) SUSAN: Tyler! DAVID CAMPBELL: (OOV: further back in the sewer.) Can't have got so far ahead. (DAVID climbs through and joins SUSAN.) SUSAN: Perhaps our voices aren't carrying. These walls could affect the sound, I suppose. DAVID CAMPBELL: Hey, there's a ladder there. SUSAN: Yes. DAVID CAMPBELL: Let's try up there. SUSAN: Yes, alright. (SUSAN climbs up the short ladder.) SUSAN: There's a tunnel through here. DAVID CAMPBELL: Careful Susan. SUSAN: I'm alright. (SUSAN climbs up into the thin tunnel which she crawls through on her hands and knees. She comes to the edge of a ledge.) SUSAN: Tyler! (SUSAN gasps as she looks over the ledge to the water below. There is another ladder leading down from a hatch above the ledge to the water.) SUSAN: Tyler? Are you down there? (There is no answer. SUSAN climbs onto the ladder and starts to climb down. Suddenly the ladder falls away from the wall leaving her hanging in mid-air.) SUSAN: (Screaming.) David, Oh! (She looks below her as she struggles to hang on.) SUSAN: David! (Beneath her, an Alligator swims towards her. SUSAN tries desperately to get a foothold. The hatch opens above her and TYLER shoots the reptile as DAVID crawls through the tunnel and grabs the ladder, pulling it back towards the ledge. TYLER climbs down the ladder as DAVID grabs SUSAN and pulls her back up onto the ledge.).) DAVID CAMPBELL: Are you alright? SUSAN: Yes...swinging! DAVID CAMPBELL: Ha, you'd probably have given him indigestion anyway! SUSAN: Thank you! CARL TYLER: Alright now, come on. I've found the Doctor. He's waiting for us up here. SUSAN: Yes... (TYLER climbs back up through the hatch.) DAVID CAMPBELL: Now, take your time. SUSAN: Grandfathers stick. DAVID CAMPBELL: I'll bring it. Take your time. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. EARTHMOVER (NIGHT) (ASHTON is examining the necklace using a jewellers eye-glass. The SLYTHER continues to roar outside. IAN, LARRY and WELLS enjoy a meal straight out the cans.) ASHTON: You know, Wells, you're a fool. For all this stuff, I'd have gladly taken you outside. There are plenty of small towns and villages that the Daleks have cleared of people and left intact. Food galore. WELLS: I'll get out in my own good time. ASHTON: Well, suit yourself. You people never learn, do you? (LARRY takes a ring off his finger and passes it to WELLS.) LARRY MADISON: Er, that's for the two of us, thanks Wells. WELLS: Right, I'll take it if you don't mind. It'll help pay for the next lot from Ashton. (There is another roar, louder than before and the heartbeat sound is heard again. The four men stop what they are doing and look around them. ASHTON grabs his pistol. The heartbeat sound grows faint and the men relax. Suddenly the SLYTHER'S arm bursts through the back wall of the machine and the creature itself enters. ASHTON fires at it but the bullets prove useless and the SLYTHER grabs the gun as it hovers over ASHTON.) WELLS: Get out! [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. MINEWORKINGS (NIGHT) (As ASHTON cries out, the three men run out of the earthmover.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: EXT. EDGE OF THE MINESHAFT (NIGHT) (IAN and LARRY runs through the darkness and the bushes to the edge of the mine shaft.) LARRY MADISON: This way's no good! It's a sheer drop! IAN: We'll have to go back. (They turn back but the SLYTHER has pursued them.) LARRY MADISON: The Slyther, Ian! It's coming straight for us! (Claw outstretched, the SLYTHER moves towards the two men.)

The TARDIS returns to London; however, it's the 22nd century. With bodies in the river, and quiet in the docklands, the city is a very different place. The Daleks have invaded and it's up to the Doctor to thwart them once again.

fd_Doctor_Who_05x10

fd_Doctor_Who_05x10_0

EXT. WHEATFIELD, DAY The wheat is blowing gently in the wind. There is a certain area of disturbance and we hear footsteps. A murder of crows take off into the blue sky where the field is cut by a dirt road. The camera pans over and we see a painting of the scene in the impressionist style with thick brushstrokes and vivid colors. A hand with a brush reaches out to paint a crow. Over the top of the canvas we see a straw hat and then the blue eyes of the artist as he looks out at the scene before him. INT. MUSEE D'ORSAY, DAY We pull back from that same painting to see it in a museum setting. An art expert, DR BLACK, discusses the painting. BLACK: So this is one of the last paintings Van Gogh ever painted. Those final months of his life were probably the most astonishing artistic outpouring in history. It was like Shakespeare knocking off Othello, Macbeth and King Lear over the summer hols. And especially astonishing because Van Gogh did it with no hope of praise or reward. As he lectures, the DOCTOR and AMY enter the exhibition room. AMY: Thanks for bringing me. DOCTOR: You're welcome. AMY: You're being so nice to me. Why are you being so nice to me? DOCTOR: I'm always nice to you. AMY: Not like this. These places you're taking me - Arcadia, the Trojan Gardens, now this. I think it's suspicious. DOCTOR: Well, it's not. There's nothing to be suspicious about. AMY: OK, I was joking. Why aren't you? BLACK: Each of these pictures now is worth tens of millions of pounds. Yet in his lifetime, he was a commercial disaster. Sold only one painting, and that to the sister of a friend. We have here possibly the greatest artist of all time, but when he died, you could sold his entire body of work and got about enough money to buy a sofa and a couple of chairs. (group laughs) If you follow me now...(leads the group to another painting) BOY #1:: Who is it? BOY #2:: It's the doctor! The DOCTOR turns to see two boys looking at the painting of Van Gogh's physician. BOY #2:: He was the doctor who took care of Van Gogh when he started to go mad. BOY #1:: I knew that. AMY grabs him by the arm and pulls him towards a painting, "The Church at Auvers". She holds up her guidebook. AMY: Look! There it is, the actual one. DOCTOR: Yes. You can almost feel his hand painting it right in front of you. Carving the colours into shapes... Wait a minute. (looks closer at the painting) AMY: What? DOCTOR: (points) Well, just look at that. AMY: What? DOCTOR: Something very not good indeed. AMY: What thing very not good? DOCTOR: Look there, in the window of the church. A dark figure has been painted in one of the church windows. AMY: Is it a face? DOCTOR: Yes. And not a nice face at all. I know evil when I see it and I see it in that window. The DOCTOR makes his way over to BLACK, who is still lecturing. BLACK: It has changed hands for something in the region of 20... DOCTOR: Excuse me, if I can just interrupt for one second. (shows psychic paper) Sorry, everyone. Routine inspection, Ministry of Art and... Artiness. So, um... BLACK: Dr Black. DOCTOR: Yes, that's right. Do you know when that picture of the church was painted? BLACK: Ah, what an interesting question. Most people... DOCTOR: I'm going to have to hurry you. When was it? BLACK: Exactly? DOCTOR: As exactly as you can. Without a long speech, if poss. I'm in a hurry. BLACK: Well, in that case, probably somewhere between the 1st and 3rd of June. DOCTOR: What year? BLACK: 1890. Less than a year before he killed himself. DOCTOR: Thank you, sir. Very helpful indeed. Nice bow-tie. (to AMY) Bow-ties are cool. BLACK: Yours is very... DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. Keep telling them stuff. (grabs AMY and pulls her through the exhibit) We need to go. AMY: What about the other pictures? DOCTOR: Art can wait. This is life and death.(give AMY and shove) We need to talk to Vincent Van Gogh. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "Vincent and the Doctor" by Richard Curtis Producer Tracie Simpson Patrick Schweitzer Director Jonny Campbell [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, ALLEY, NIGHT A cat lying on the cobbles runs off as the TARDIS materializes. The DOCTOR and AMY step out and head down the alleyway. DOCTOR: Right, so here's the plan. We find Vincent and he leads us straight to the church and our nasty friend. AMY: Easy peasy. DOCTOR: Well, no. I suspect nothing will be easy with Mr Van Gogh. Now, he'll probably be in the local cafe - sort of orangey light, chairs and tables outside. AMY pulls out her small guidebook from the museum and opens it to "The Cafe Terrace on the Place du Forum, Arles, at Night". AMY: Like this? DOCTOR: That's the one. AMY: (looks up) Or indeed like that. The scene before them is the painting come to life. DOCTOR: Yeah, exactly like that. EXT, CAFÉ, NIGHT The DOCTOR approaches the help clearing tables. The owner MAURICE is also there. DOCTOR: Good evening. Does the name Vincent Van Gogh ring a bell? MAURICE: Don't mention that man to me. (walks back inside) DOCTOR: (to waitresses) Excuse me. Do you know Vincent Van Gogh? WAITRESS: Unfortunately. AMY: Unfortunately? WAITRESS: He's drunk, he's mad and he never pays his bills. DOCTOR: Good painter, though, eh? The waitresses and the patrons laugh. The DOCTOR sits at one of the tables, dejected. We then hear voices from inside the café. MAN: Come on! Come on! One painting for one drink. That's not a bad deal. MAURICE comes out of the café holding a canvas followed by another man. It is VINCENT VAN GOGH. AMY and the DOCTOR react in quiet, giddy excitement. MAURICE: It wouldn't be a bad deal if the painting were any good. I can't hang that up on my walls. It'd scare the customers half to death. (holds painting up) It's bad enough having you in here in person, let alone looming over the customers day and night in a stupid hat. You pay money or you get out. DOCTOR: I'll pay if you like. MAURICE: What? DOCTOR: Well, if you like. I'll pay for the drink. Or I'll pay for the painting and you can use the money to pay for the drink. VINCENT: Exactly who are you? DOCTOR: I'm... new in town. VINCENT: Well, in that case, you don't know three things. One, I pay for my own drinks, thank you. (everyone laughs) Two, no-one ever buys any of my paintings or they would be laughed out of town, so if you want to stay in town, I suggest you keep your cash to yourself. And three, your friend's cute, but you should keep your big nose out of other people's business. (to MAURICE) Come on, just one more drink. I'll pay tomorrow. MAURICE: No. VINCENT: Or, on the other hand, slightly more compassionately, yes. MAURICE: Or, on the other hand, to protect my business from madmen, no. VINCENT: Or-- AMY: Oh, look, just shut up the pair of you! (to MAURICE) I would like a bottle of wine, please, which I will then share with whomever (looks at VINCENT) I choose. VINCENT: That could be good. MAURICE: That's good by me. AMY: Good. (goes inside) MAURICE heads back in then stops and presses the self-portrait to VINCENT'S chest before entering the café. We see clearly that the painting is "Self Portrait with Straw Hat". INT. CAFÉ, NIGHT The DOCTOR, AMY and VINCENT are sitting at a table, drinking wine. VINCENT: That accent of yours. You from Holland like me? The DOCTOR and AMY answer at the same time. AMY: No. DOCTOR: Yes. She means yes. So, start again. Hello, I'm the Doctor. VINCENT: I knew it! DOCTOR: Sorry? VINCENT: My brother's always sending doctors, but you won't be able to help. DOCTOR: No, not that kind of doctor. (laughs and points to a painting at VINCENT'S side. It is the unfinished "La Méridienne") That's incredible, don't you think, Amy? AMY: Absolutely. One of my favourites. VINCENT: One of my favourite whats? You've never seen my work before. AMY: Ah, yes. One of my favourite paintings that I've ever seen. Generally. VINCENT: Then you can't have seen many paintings, then. I know it's terrible. It's the best I could do. Your hair is orange. AMY: (leans forward) Yes. So's yours. VINCENT: Yes. It was more orange, but now is, of course, less. DOCTOR: So, Vincent, painted any churches recently? Any churchy plans? Are churches, chapels, religiousy stuff like that, something you'd like to get into? You know, fairly soon? VINCENT: Well, there is one church I'm thinking of painting when the weather is right. DOCTOR: That is very good news. WOMAN: (screams) She's been murdered! Help me! DOCTOR: That, on the other hand, isn't quite such good news. Come on, Amy, Vincent! AMY and the DOCTOR head for the door. VINCENT downs the rest of his wine and follows. EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, ALLEY, NIGHT The DOCTOR, AMY and VINCENT run the same was as the woman into an alley. The body of a young woman is lying on the cobbles. A group of locals has already gathered. MAN: She's been ripped to shreds! DOCTOR: Please, let me look. I'm a doctor. WOMAN #2: Who is it? DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. The DOCTOR and VINCENT kneel beside the body. MAN #2: Is she dead? A woman pushes her way through. She is the young girl's MOTHER. MOTHER: Away, all of you vultures! This is my daughter. (caresses her daughter) Giselle. What monster could have done this? (to DOCTOR) Get away from her! The DOCTOR and VINCENT both stand and back away. DOCTOR: OK, OK. MOTHER: Get that madman out of here! (throws a stone) The rest of the crowd also throw stones, blaming VINCENT. The DOCTOR, AMY, and VINCENT run away down the alley. MOTHER: You bring this on us. Your madness! You! He's to blame! They stop to catch their breath. DOCTOR: (to VINCENT) Are you all right? VINCENT: Yes, I'm used to it. DOCTOR: Has anything like this murder happened here before? VINCENT: Only a week ago. It's a terrible time. DOCTOR: As I thought, as I thought. Come on, we'd better get you home. VINCENT: Where are you staying tonight? DOCTOR: (claps VINCENT on the shoulder) Oh, you're very kind. (walks off down the alley) AMY giggles nervously and follows. Puzzled, VINCENT puts his hat on and walks after them. EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, NIGHT VINCENT is leading the DOCTOR and AMY through a maze of buildings. DOCTOR: Dark night, very starry. VINCENT: It's not much. I live on my own. But you should be OK for one night. ONE night. AMY: We're going to stay with him? DOCTOR: Until he paints that church. VINCENT lights a lamp and removes his hat. VINCENT: Watch out. That one's wet. AMY: What? The DOCTOR walks in but AMY stops when she sees the painting "Bedroom in Arles". INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, NIGHT VINCENT lights another lamp. His cottage is filled with paintings in various stages of completion. Most prominently positioned is "Portrait of Dr. Gachet" VINCENT: Sorry about all the clutter. DOCTOR: Some clutter. VINCENT: I've come to accept the only person who's going to love my paintings is me. AMY: (enters) Wow. I mean, really. Wow. The DOCTOR examines some of the paintings including "Blossoming Almond Tree", "Prisoners Exercising (after Dore)", and "Wheat Field with Cypresses". VINCENT: Yeah, I know it's a mess. I'll have a proper clear-out. I must, I really must. AMY looks around and sees "La Berceuse". VINCENT: Coffee, anyone? DOCTOR: Not for me, actually. The DOCTOR pops his head around the door in time to see VINCENT put the coffee down on "Still Life: Basket with Six Oranges". DOCTOR: You know, you should be careful with these. They're... precious. VINCENT wipes off the coffee ring with his hand. VINCENT: Precious to me. Not precious to anyone else. The DOCTOR enters the main room. AMY: They're precious to me! AMY joins them. VINCENT: Well, you're very kind. And kindness is most welcome. DOCTOR: Right, so, this church, then. Near here, is it? VINCENT: (gets wood for the fire) What is it with you and the church? DOCTOR: Oh, just casually interested in it, you know. VINCENT: Far from casual. Seems to me. you never talk about anything else. He's a strange one. DOCTOR: OK, so let's talk about you. What are you interested in? VINCENT: Look around. Art. It seems to me there's so much more to the world than the average eye is allowed to see. AMY wanders over from looking at "Starry Night". VINCENT: I believe, if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of. DOCTOR: You don't have to tell me. Later, the DOCTOR is sitting in a chair by the fire as VINCENT explains his views of art. VINCENT: It's colour. Colour that holds the key. I can hear the colours. Listen to them. Every time I step outside, I feel nature is shouting at me. "Come on. Come and get me. Come on. Come on! (grips the DOCTOR'S lapels) Capture my mystery!" DOCTOR: Maybe you've had enough coffee now. How about some nice calming tea? Let's get you a cup of chamomile or something, shall we? Amy? Where's Amy? (AMY screams) No, no. NO! (runs outside) EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, NIGHT The DOCTOR and VINCENT race outside. DOCTOR: Amy? Amy? They find AMY on her knees in the yard. DOCTOR: What happened? AMY: I was having a look at the paintings out here when something hit me from behind. DOCTOR: It's OK. He's gone now and we're here. VINCENT looks around and raises his hands in fright. VINCENT: No! (backs away, crying out) DOCTOR: Take it easy. Take it easy! AMY: What's happening? What's he doing? VINCENT grabs a large wooden fork and holds it in front of him like a weapon. DOCTOR: I don't know. With a shout, VINCENT runs towards them. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. VINCENT runs past them. VINCENT: Run. Run! DOCTOR: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not a bad idea. Amy, get back. He's having some kind of fit. I'll try to calm him down. As VINCENT apparently lashes out at something, AMY runs to the doorway and watches from safety. DOCTOR: Easy, Vincent, easy. Look, look. It's me, it's me, it's me. (holds his hands out in front of him) It's the Doctor, look. No-one else is here. So, Vincent... We see part of something appear behind the DOCTOR. VINCENT: Look out! The DOCTOR is thrown to the ground as a scaly tail lashes him. The creature roars and shreds one of the paintings. AMY: (shrieks) I can't see anything. What is it? Whatever it is, VINCENT can see it and tries to fight it off. DOCTOR: (gets up) That is a good question. (grabs a stout stick and joins VINCENT) Let me help you. VINCENT: You can see him, too? The DOCTOR goes to a completely different area of the yard and waves the stick around. DOCTOR: Yes. Ish. Well, no. Not really. The creature roars and is thrown back over a table bearing irises in a vase. He lands at VINCENT'S feet. VINCENT: You couldn't see him? DOCTOR: No. Oi! The DOCTOR gets up and begins batting the stick around with a roar. VINCENT seemingly hurts it and it retreats from the yard. In his section of the yard, the DOCTOR is still trying to fight it off. VINCENT and AMY watch for a bit. VINCENT: He's gone. DOCTOR: Oh, right. Yes, of course. (throws the stick down) INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, NIGHT DOCTOR: Right. So he's invisible? What did he look like? VINCENT: I'll show you. VINCENT takes one of his paintings of irises and paints over it with white. DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no! AMY gasps and covers her mouth. VINCENT: What? DOCTOR: It's just... That was quite a good... (sighs) On you go. VINCENT sketches quickly and roughly with charcoal as AMY and the DOCTOR watch intently. Finished, the creature looks almost birdlike with a beak and talons but also reptilian. DOCTOR: OK. OK. (takes the sketch) Right. Amy, make Mr Van Gogh comfortable. Don't let any invisible monsters in through the front door. AMY: But it could be outside, waiting. DOCTOR: Don't worry, I'll risk it. What's the worst that can happen? AMY: You could get torn into pieces by a monster you can't see. Behind the DOCTOR, we see "The Yellow House". DOCTOR: Oh, right, yes. That. Don't worry. I'll be back before you can say, "Where's he got to now?" (leaves) AMY turns to face VINCENT. The DOCTOR comes back. DOCTOR: Not that fast! (AMY jumps) But pretty fast. See you around. (leaves again) EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, NIGHT We hear a soft growling and see the DOCTOR from a distance as he leaves the cottage. The DOCTOR creeps forward, looking. EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, ALLEY, NIGHT The DOCTOR walks cautiously back to the TARDIS, glancing over his shoulder periodically. He unlocks the TARDIS and enters. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR throws a few things out of his way as he drags out a large trunk. DOCTOR: Right. You in here somewhere? I can't apologise enough. I thought you were just a useless gadget. I thought you were just an embarrassing present from a dull godmother with two heads and bad breath. Twice. (pulls out a device that seems to be a mirror attached to a harness) How wrong can a man be? He hooks it up to the TARDIS for power then makes a face at the mirror. The TARDIS then prints up pictures of his first two incarnations and naming his species and planet of origin. DOCTOR: Good. OK, you're working. Now, see what you make of this. (holds up the sketch) Who is that? (machine shows a parrot) No, I know it's not that. There are thousands of them and you can see them plain as day. (shows a polar bear) No. Definitely not. This is the problem with the impressionists - not accurate enough. This would never happen with Gainsborough or one of those proper painters. Sorry, Vincent. (picks up sketch) You'll just have to draw something better. (throws it over his head) EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, ALLEY, DAWN The DOCTOR steps out wearing the device, the mirror aimed over his shoulder. The creature appears in the mirror. The DOCTOR adjusts the controls. DOCTOR: That's better, old girl. Time-delay, but you always get it right in the end. Good. Let's find out who this is, then. (the device shows the results) Whoa, there you are, you poor thing. You brutal, murderous, abandoned thing. I hope we meet again soon so I can take you home. (the creature appears in the mirror over the DOCTOR'S shoulder and roars) Maybe not that soon. The DOCTOR runs through the alley. He keeps checking the mirror to see how close the creature gets. He starts to knock over tables and other items to slow it down. The creatures gives up the chase and the DOCTOR rests against a wall. He looks again to see AMY. Startled, they both yelp. DOCTOR: Never do that! You scared the living daylights out of me. AMY: Sorry. I got bored. As much as you admire his command of colour and shape, it is hard to get fond of Vincent Van Gogh's snoring. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, BEDROOM, MORNING VINCENT'S bedroom is his painting come to life. He is in bed, snoring. DOCTOR: (enters) Wake, wakey. Rise and shine! Breakfast is served in the courtyard. (opens window) Whoa! What a morning. (claps) Come on. (VINCENT gets up) And Amy's got a little surprise for you. EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING AMY is sitting at the table, sunflowers scattered around in different containers. AMY: I thought I'd brighten things up to thank you for saving me last night. VINCENT: Ah! AMY: I thought you might like, you know, possibly to perhaps paint them or something? Might be a thought. The DOCTOR joins AMY at the table. VINCENT: Yes. They're not my favourite flower. AMY: YOU don't like sunflowers? VINCENT: No, it's not that I don't like them. I find them complex. Always somewhere between living and dying. (holds one of the flowers by his window) Half-human as they turn to the sun. A little disgusting. But, you know, they are a challenge. DOCTOR: And one I'm pretty sure you will rise to. But, moving on, there's something I need to show you. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING The DOCTOR shows VINCENT the printout of the creature. VINCENT: (sitting) That's him. And the eyes. Without mercy. DOCTOR: This is a creature called the Krafayis. They travel in space, they travel as a pack. Scavenging across the universe. Sometimes one of them gets left behind and because they are a brutal race, the others never come back. So, dotted all around the universe are individual, utterly merciless, utterly abandoned Krafayis. And what they do is... Well, kill, until they're killed. Which they usually aren't. Because other creatures can't see them. VINCENT: But I can. DOCTOR: Yes. And that's why we are in a unique position today, my friend, to end this reign of terror. So, feeling like painting the church today? VINCENT: What about the monster? DOCTOR: Take my word for it. If you paint it, he will come. VINCENT: (stands) OK. I'll get my things. DOCTOR: In your own time. I promise you, we'll be out of your hair by this time tomorrow. VINCENT hesitates in the doorway with a look at AMY before going into the other room. DOCTOR: This is risky. AMY: Riskier than normal? DOCTOR: (stands and checks to see if VINCENT can hear) Well, think about it. This is the middle of Vincent Van Gogh's greatest year of painting. If we're not careful, the result of our trip could be the brutal murder of the greatest artist who ever lived. Half the pictures on the wall of the Musee D'Orsay will disappear. (sits next to AMY) And it will be our fault. EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING The DOCTOR knocks on the door to VINCENT'S bedroom. DOCTOR: Vincent? Vincent! [SCENE_BREAK] The DOCTOR checks his watch before opening the door. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, BEDROOM, MORNING VINCENT is lying face down on his bed, crying. On the wall between the door and the window is one of his many self-portraits. DOCTOR: Vincent, can I help? VINCENT: It's so clear you cannot help. And when you leave, and everyone always leaves, I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope. (rolls over to look at the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly, always hope. VINCENT: Then your experience is incomplete. I know how it will end, and it will not end well. DOCTOR: Come on. (slaps VINCENT'S back cheerily) Come out, let's go outside. VINCENT: Out! You get out. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? DOCTOR: (backs away towards the door) Very well. I'll leave. I'll leave you. VINCENT curls into a fetal position and sobs. EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING AMY comes up the stairs and sees the DOCTOR leaning against the railing, somber, without VINCENT. AMY: What's happening? DOCTOR: We're leaving. Everyone knows he's a delicate man. Just months from now he'll...he'll take his own life. (pushes away from the rail) AMY: Don't say that. Please. Without a word, the DOCTOR goes down the stairs. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING The DOCTOR takes a last look at the paintings. DOCTOR: Come on. We have to do this on our own. Go to the church at the right time and hope the monster still turns up. VINCENT appears in the doorway, coat and hat on. VINCENT: I'm ready. Let's go. (picks up brush) EXT. ROAD OUTSIDE AUVERS, DAY AMY is walking alongside VINCENT, her arm tucked in his. VINCENT is carrying his easel and palette. In her other hand, AMY carries the paint case and canvas. The DOCTOR is walking behind them. AMY: I'm sorry you're so sad. VINCENT: But I'm not. Sometimes these moods torture me for weeks, for months. But I'm good now. If Amy Pond can soldier on, then so can Vincent Van Gogh. AMY: I'm not soldiering on. I'm fine. VINCENT: Oh, Amy, I hear the song of your sadness. You've lost someone I think. AMY: I'm not sad. VINCENT: They why are you crying? AMY puts a hand to her cheek and wipes away a tear. She is surprised by it as she never knew she was crying. VINCENT: It's all right. I understand. AMY: I'm not sure I do. The DOCTOR is following and knows that the tears are for RORY even though he has been wiped from existence. Somewhere inside, she still remembers him. DOCTOR: OK. OK! So, now, we must have a plan. When the creature returns... VINCENT stops and turns to face the DOCTOR. VINCENT: Then we shall fight him again. DOCTOR: Well, yes, tick. But last night we were lucky. Amy could have been killed. So this time, for a start, we have to make sure I can see him, too. AMY: And how are we meant to do that, suddenly? DOCTOR: The answer's in this box. (the DOCTOR taps the case he's carrying) I had an excellent, if smelly, godmother. They stop as they see a funeral procession walking towards them. There are sunflowers resting on the coffin. VINCENT: Oh, no. It's that poor girl from he village. They stand respectfully at the side of the road as the procession passes. The MOTHER looks at them but says nothing. AMY: You do have a plan, don't you? DOCTOR: No. (starts walking again) It's a thing - it's like a plan, but with more greatness. EXT. CHURCH, DAY VINCENT sets up his easel and sits down to paint. DOCTOR: (bends over, hands on VINCENT'S shoulders) And you'll be sure to tell me if you see any, you know, monsters. VINCENT: Yes. While I may be mad, I'm not stupid. DOCTOR: No, quite. And, to be honest...(squats beside VINCENT) not sure about mad either. It seems to me depression is a very complex... VINCENT: Shh. I'm working. DOCTOR: Well, yes. Paint. Do painting! LATER: Vincent has outlined the top of the church and is painting the sky. DOCTOR: I remember watching Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel. Wow! What a whinger. I said to him, "If you're scared of heights, you shouldn't have taken the job. " AMY: Shh! LATER: There is more detail on the church and VINCENT is still working on the sky. DOCTOR: And Picasso. What a ghastly old goat. I kept telling him, "Concentrate, Pablo, it's one eye, either side of the face." AMY: Quiet. EXT. CHURCH, NIGHT AMY stands by VINCENT as he keeps painting. The DOCTOR is squatting, bored. DOCTOR: Is this how time normally passes? Really slowly. In the right order. (gets up) If there's one thing I can't stand, it's an unpunctual alien attack. (walks behind VINCENT, facing away) AMY: (joins him) Are you OK? You seem a bit, if I didn't know better, I'd say nervous. DOCTOR: There's something not right and I can't quite put my finger on it. VINCENT: There. (the DOCTOR and AMY turn) He's at the window. DOCTOR: Where? VINCENT: There, on the right. DOCTOR: As I thought. Come on. I'm going in. VINCENT: Well, I'm coming, too. DOCTOR: No. (holds a hand up to stop him) You're Vincent Van Gogh. No. VINCENT: But you're not armed. DOCTOR: I am. VINCENT: What with? DOCTOR: Overconfidence, this (taps case) and a small screwdriver. I'm absolutely sorted. Just have to find the right crosactic setting, and stun him with it. Sonic never fails. Anyway, Amy, only one thought, one simple instruction - don't follow me under any circumstances. (signals VINCENT to keep an eye on her) AMY: I won't. The DOCTOR gives a thumbs-up and heads towards the church. VINCENT: Will you follow him? AMY: Of course. VINCENT: (looks at AMY) I love you. The DOCTOR stops, sets down the case and takes out the same device he used earlier. He straps it on and sets the controls. With a smile, he enters the church. INT. CHURCH, NIGHT The DOCTOR enters slowly and cautiously. We hear a low growling. The DOCTOR keeps checking the mirror and pulls out the sonic screwdriver. EXT. CHURCH, NIGHT AMY paces as VINCENT watches the window. AMY: Has he moved? VINCENT: No, just shifted to the next window. But, wait! He's turning now. INT. CHURCH, NIGHT The DOCTOR approaches the window and keeps checking the mirror. He doesn't see the Krafayis where it's supposed to be. DOCTOR: Damn. He's moved. He puts the mirror down and looks up. We see in the mirror the Krafayis's arm as he swipes the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR goes flying. EXT. CHURCH, NIGHT AMY and VINCENT hear the DOCTOR'S cry. AMY: Doctor! (heads for the church) VINCENT: Amy! (rushes after her) INT. CHURCH, NIGHT The DOCTOR uses the screwdriver as he retreats. AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: (screams) Argh! I thought I told you... Never mind. We'll talk about it later. Quick, in here. (hide in confessional) We hear the Krafayis moving about outside. DOCTOR: (whispers) Absolutely quiet. (slides the door over the grill between them) Can you breath a little quieter, please? AMY: (whispers) No! (lifts the curtain) He's gone past. DOCTOR: Shh. The Krafayis growls, blowing in the grating on AMY'S the side of the confessional. She screams. DOCTOR: I think he heard us. The Krafayis then takes out part of the grating on the DOCTOR'S side. DOCTOR: That is impressive hearing he's got. Another section of the confessional is ripped out DOCTOR: What's less impressive are our chances of survival. AMY screams. VINCENT: (V.O.) Hey, are you looking for me, sonny? AMY peers out and sees VINCENT brandishing his chair like a lion tamer. VINCENT: Come on. Over here. Because I'm right here waiting for you. We see the Krafayis from VINCENT'S POV as he fights it off. VINCENT: (motions to AMY and the DOCTOR) Come on. Quickly! Get behind me. DOCTOR: (uses sonic) Doing anything? They back out. EXT. CHURCH, NIGHT VINCENT still holds the chair in front of him defensively. The DOCTOR looks around wildly. DOCTOR: Where is he? VINCENT: Where do you think he is, you idiot? Use your head. The Krafayis walks towards them. The DOCTOR stands by VINCENT and uses the sonic again. DOCTOR: Anything? AMY: Nothing. In fact, he seemed to rather enjoy it. They move apart. VINCENT: (to DOCTOR) Duck. (the DOCTOR ducks) Left. The DOCTOR moves to his left and the Krafayis swats him away and he is slammed into a wall. VINCENT: Right, sorry. The DOCTOR sits up with a groan, holding his side. AMY rushes over. VINCENT comes over with the chair to help defend them. VINCENT: Your right, my left. DOCTOR: This is no good at all. Run like crazy and regroup. (scrambles up) AMY: Oh, come on, in here. They run into another church building. INT. CHURCH, NIGHT Together, they begin to push the door closed. VINCENT sees the leg of the Krafayis is keeping it open. He stamps his foot down on it and the creature yanks it back. They close the door and stand with their backs against it. DOCTOR: Right. OK. Here's the plan. Amy, Rory. AMY: Who? DOCTOR: Sorry, um, Vincent. AMY: What is the plan? DOCTOR: I don't know, actually. But in future, I'm just using this screwdriver for screwing in screws. (puts away sonic) VINCENT: Give me a second. I'll be back. (runs off) DOCTOR: I suppose we could try talking to him. AMY: Talking to him?! DOCTOR: Well, yes. Might be interesting to know his side of the story. (Krafayis growls) Yes, though maybe he's not really in the mood for conversation right at this precise moment. (Krafayis growls and bangs on the door) Well, no harm trying. Listen. Listen! (growling stops) I know you can understand me. (faces door) Even though I know you won't understand why you can understand me. I also know that no-one's talked to you for a pretty long stretch, but please... listen. I also don't belong on this planet. I also am alone. If you trust me, I'm sure we can come to some kind of, you know, understanding. And then, and then, who knows? The window directly opposite them shatters as the Krafayis finds a way inside. It roars and displaces things as it moves about. VINCENT returns with his easel. VINCENT: Over here, mate! The DOCTOR and AMY move behind him. DOCTOR: What's it up to now? VINCENT: It's moving round the room. Feeling its way around. AMY and VINCENT move behind a sarcophagus. DOCTOR: (behind a column) What? VINCENT: It's like it's trapped. It's moving round the edges of the room. We see the Krafayis from VINCENT'S POV as it walks along the wall. AMY: I can't see a thing. DOCTOR: I am really stupid. AMY: Oh, get a grip! This is not a moment to re-evaluate your self-esteem. DOCTOR: No, I am really stupid and I'm growing old. Why does it attack, but never eat its victims? (moves to sarcophagus) And why was it abandoned by its pack and left here to die? Why is it feeling its way helplessly around the walls of the room? It can't see, it's blind. That explains why it has such perfect hearing! VINCENT: Which unfortunately also explains why it is now turning around and heading straight for us. VINCENT steps forward, the sharp ends of the easel held out as a weapon. DOCTOR: Vincent. Vincent, what's happening? VINCENT: It's charging now. (motions with hand) Get back. Get back! VINCENT moves forward and impales the beast on the easel. The Krafayis bellows in pain and anger. Still holding the easel, VINCENT is suspended above the floor. He lets go and falls to the floor. The Krafayis collapses. To the DOCTOR and AMY, the easel is suspended but VINCENT can see where it penetrated the creature's chest. VINCENT: He wasn't without mercy at all. He was without sight. I didn't mean that to happen. I only meant to wound it, I never meant to... DOCTOR: (kneels beside body) He's trying to say something. VINCENT: What is it? DOCTOR: I'm having trouble making it out, but I think he's saying, "I'm afraid. I'm afraid." (reaches out to stroke the body) There, there. It's OK. You'll be fine. Ssh. (Krafayis dies) VINCENT: He was frightened...and he lashed out. Like humans, who lash out when they're frightened. Like the villagers who scream at me. Like the children who throw stones at me. DOCTOR: Sometimes winning - winning is no fun at all. (leaves) EXT. FIELD, NIGHT The DOCTOR, AMY, and VINCENT lie down in the field, heads together. VINCENT reaches first for AMY'S hand and then the DOCTOR's. VINCENT: Hold my hand, Doctor. Try to see what I see. We are so lucky we are still alive to see this beautiful world. The DOCTOR and AMY reach for each other's hands. VINCENT: Look at the sky. It's not dark and black and without character. The black is in fact deep blue. (points with his hand entwined with the DOCTOR'S) And over there, lighter blue. (lets go of AMY'S hand and makes a sweeping motion) And blowing through the blueness and the blackness, the wind swirling through the air and then, shining, burning, bursting through - the stars! (the vision turns to VINCENT'S perception and becomes "Starry Night") Can you see how they roar their light? Everywhere we look, the complex magic of nature blazes before our eyes. DOCTOR: I've seen many things, my friend. But you're right. Nothing quite as wonderful as the things you see. VINCENT grips the DOCTOR'S hand tighter and pulls it to his chest. He looks at AMY'S closer, savoring the feel of her fingers. VINCENT: I will miss you terribly. EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, MORNING VINCENT: (V.O.) I only wish I had something of real value to give you. INT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING The DOCTOR giggles as he holds one of VINCENT'S paintings. It is "Self Portrait with Straw Hat". DOCTOR: Oh, no, no. I could never accept such an extraordinary gift. VINCENT: (hurt) Very well. You are not the first to decline the offer. (holds out arms) Amy, the blessed, the wonderful. They hug and she kisses him. AMY: Be good to yourself and be kind to yourself. VINCENT: I'll try my best. AMY: And maybe give the beard a little trim before you next kiss someone. (rubs her cheek and laughs) VINCENT: I will. I will. And if you tire of this Doctor of yours, return, And we will have children by the dozen. AMY: Eek! VINCENT: Doctor, my friend. (takes his hand) We have fought monsters together and we have won. On my own, I fear I may not do as well. The DOCTOR hugs him tightly, sad because he knows what's coming. EXT. VINCENT'S COTTAGE, MORNING The DOCTOR and AMY walk away. DOCTOR: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? AMY: I was thinking I may need some food before we leave. DOCTOR: Well, no, you're not thinking exactly what I'm thinking. (faces house) Vincent! Shirtless, brush in hand, VINCENT sticks his head out the window. DOCTOR: Got something I'd like to show you. Maybe just tidy yourself up a bit first. EXT. AUVERS-SUR-OISE, ALLEY, DAY The DOCTOR, VINCENT and AMY walk through the village towards the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Now, you know we've had quite a few chats about the possibility there might be more to life than normal people imagine? The DOCTOR stops with a sigh as he sees the TARDIS covered in bills. VINCENT: Yes. DOCTOR: Well, brace yourself, Vinny. The DOCTOR uses the key to slice the crack between the doors before opening it. He and AMY stand in the doorway as VINCENT gets his first view of the TARDIS interior. He sticks his head out and then examines the exterior. VINCENT steps inside again. VINCENT: How come I'm the crazy one and you two have stayed sane? INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR takes off VINCENT'S hat and tosses it to the side. They walk to the console. VINCENT: What do these things all do? DOCTOR: Oh, a huge variety of things. This one here, (turns knob) for instance, plays soothing music. (dances) While this one makes a huge amount of noise. (distorted sound) And this one makes everything go tonto. (everything shakes) VINCENT: And this one? (points) DOCTOR: That's a friction contrafibulator! VINCENT: And this? DOCTOR: That's ketchup. And that one's mustard. VINCENT: Mmm. Nice! (grips the DOCTOR'S shoulders) Come on. Back to the cafe and you can tell me about all the wonders of the universe. DOCTOR: Good idea. Although, actually, there's a little something I'd like to show you first. (sets the TARDIS in motion) EXT. PARIS, DAY The last of the posted bills are burning off the TARDIS as the door opens and the DOCTOR, AMY and VINCENT step out. VINCENT: Where are we? DOCTOR: Paris. 2010 AD. And this is the mighty Musee D'Orsay, home to many of the greatest paintings in history. VINCENT: Oh, that's wonderful. Two boys walk by with portable electronics and VINCENT stares. DOCTOR: Ignore that. I've got something more important to show you. ("Chances" by ATHLETE plays) INT. MUSEE D'ORSAY They enter the museum and VINCENT is overwhelmed by the grandness of it. AMY leads the way past some Monets and Rodin's "The Kiss". The DOCTOR has to drag him from the "Water Lilies". They then enter the Van Gogh exhibit. VINCENT sees his paintings in a Paris museum when they had only hung in his home. The DOCTOR holds out his arms. The DOCTOR then sees Dr BLACK. DOCTOR: Dr Black, we met a few days ago. I asked you about the church at Auvers. AMY brings VINCENT closer. BLACK: Oh, yes. Glad to be of help. You were nice about my tie. DOCTOR: Yes. And today is another cracker if I may say so. But I just wondered, between you and me, in 100 words, where do you think Van Gogh rates in the history of art? BLACK: Well, big question. But, to me, Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. VINCENT'S eyes are red as he begins to tear up. BLACK: Certainly, the most popular, great painter of all time, the most beloved. His command of colour, the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray, but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world - no-one had ever done it before. Perhaps no-one ever will again. To my mind, that strange, wild man who roamed the fields of Provence was not only the world's greatest artist, but also one of the greatest men who ever lived. VINCENT begins to cry outwardly. The DOCTOR notices and goes to him. DOCTOR: Vincent. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is it too much? (gives a comforting hug) VINCENT: No. They are tears of joy. (goes to BLACK and gives him a Gallic kiss) Thank you, sir. Thank you. (hugs him) BLACK: You're welcome. You're welcome. VINCENT: Sorry about the beard. (goes back to the DOCTOR and AMY) BLACK slowly walks away and quickly turns, wondering if the man he saw was truly Van Gogh. The man is gone and BLACK shakes his head. EXT. OLIVE GROVE, DAY The TARDIS materializes and VINCENT steps out first. VINCENT: This changes everything. I'll step out tomorrow with my easel on my back a different man. I still can't believe that one of the haystacks was in the museum. How embarrassing. DOCTOR: It's been a great adventure and a great honour. (shakes VINCENT'S hand and then hugs him) VINCENT: You've turned out to be the first doctor ever actually to make a difference to my life. DOCTOR: I'm delighted. I won't ever forget you. (heads to TARDIS) VINCENT: And you are sure marriage is out of the question? AMY: This time. (hugs him and whispers in his ear) I'm not really the marrying kind. (kisses him and heads back to the TARDIS) (to DOCTOR) Come on. Let's go back to the gallery right now. VINCENT takes his pipe from his pocket and watches the TARDIS dematerialize. With a smile and a shake of his head, he walks away. EXT. PARIS, DAY AMY exits the TARDIS with a big smile. The DOCTOR'S is more indulgent. AMY skips ahead. AMY: Time can be re-written. I know it can. Come on! INT. MUSEE D'ORSAY, DAY AMY climbs the stairs to the exhibit. AMY: Oh, the long life of Vincent Van Gogh. There'll be hundreds of new paintings. DOCTOR: I'm not sure there will. They walk past the Monet exhibit, the DOCTOR walking more slowly, following in the wake of AMY'S exuberance. AMY: Come on! AMY rushes into the exhibit and looks around at the same paintings. BLACK: (V.O.) We have here the last work of Vincent Van Gogh, who committed suicide at only 37. AMY closes her eyes in grief, her hope shattered. BLACK: (V.O.) He is now acknowledged to be one of the foremost artists of all time. If you follow me now... AMY: So, you were right. No new paintings. We didn't make a difference at all. DOCTOR: (walks to her) I wouldn't say that. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Hey. (hugs her) The good things don't always soften the bad things. But, vice versa - the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. (releases the hug but holds her head) And we definitely added to his pile of good things. And if you look carefully...(takes her to "Church at Auvers") .. maybe we did indeed make a couple of little changes. AMY: No Krafayis. DOCTOR: No Krafayis. While the DOCTOR studies the church, AMY walks to the center of the exhibit. Something catches her eye and she moves with a purpose across the room. The DOCTOR sees and follows at a distance. In its own alcove rests "Still Life: Vase With Twelve Sunflowers". On the vase right above his signature it says "For Amy". The DOCTOR comes up beside her and whistles. AMY: If we had got married, our kids would have had very, very red hair. DOCTOR: The ultimate ginger. AMY: The ultimate ginge. The DOCTOR laughs and AMY smiles. AMY: Brighter than sunflowers. As they stand together looking at the painting, the DOCTOR rubs her back and giver her a quick one-armed hug.

During a visit to the Musée d'Orsay in 2010, the Doctor finds a creature in the church window of Vincent van Gogh 's ( Tony Curran ) The Church at Auvers . He takes Amy back to 1890 to meet van Gogh, and to discover why the creature was in the painting. Welcoming them, van Gogh works with the Doctor to find a Krafyis: a lost, blind member of an alien species whom only van Gogh can see. Van Gogh kills the creature, although he empathises with its pain. Before they leave, the Doctor and Amy take van Gogh to the present (where he discovers that people will admire him). This gives Amy hope that he created more paintings and did not commit suicide. Devastated to learn that he still took his own life, she learns that one of his sunflower paintings was dedicated to her.

fd_Frasier_02x04

fd_Frasier_02x04_0

ACT ONE Scene One - Radio Station Frasier is taking a caller on his radio show. Roz is in the producer's booth. Maggie: [v.o:] It's not that I don't like him, Dr. Crane: it's just that he's got so attached to me. Roses every day for a week after two dates! Frasier: Maggie, the first thing you have to do is sit Gavin down for a nice long conversation. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her head] A frank and honest discussion, tell him that though he wants to go at one speed you need to go at another. [Frasier notices Roz shaking her head again] Tell him you're not rejecting him and that you're fond of him but if he doesn't give you some breathing room... you know, suddenly I wonder what Roz, my non-PhD holding producer thinks you should do? Roz: Well, I just think that any guy that's that clingy after two dates has a major insecurity problem. I say dump him now: head to the hills and don't look back. Maggie: [v.o:] It's so good to hear that, Roz. [Frasier is surprised] That's what I wanted to do but I felt so guilty. Thanks so much, bye. [hangs up] Frasier: And that takes us to commercial. This, for those of you that may have forgotten, is the [angry:] "Dr. Frasier Crane Show!" Roz enters and hands Frasier a pass, a piece of paper and a big card. Roz: Here's your new parking pass. I confirmed your dinner reservations for three; at your father's request you'll be dining at "Chez Shrimp." Frasier: Oh! Roz: There are two letters that you've got to sign: a card for Clarence the guard that we're all signing, and a letter for the sign-ups for the KACL bowling team - I'll file this right in the trash. Roz exits the studio. Frasier looks at the card. It's in the shape of a big teddy bear. Frasier: Oh wonderful, another card. Of course, I, as resident wit here, will have to think of something clever to say. Well, at least I've got another gala KACL birthday bash to look forward to. I can just taste that frozen Sara Lee cake right now, whilst, on applause, a full-grown adult snuffs out a handful of tiny candles! Roz enters hearing him grumbling. Roz: What are you grousing about? Frasier: Oh nothing, nothing. Frasier opens the card. It begins playing music. Frasier: Yes, the pageantry never stops. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Taxi Cab A lady (Arleen) is driving Frasier, Martin and Niles home. They are in heavy traffic and car horns can be heard all over. Martin: Mr. Fancy-pants! You've gotta buy a German car! Frasier: It's not my fault it broke down. Martin: Hey, if you bought American, they wouldn't have to tow your car halfway across the state to get it fixed. That's why I always buy American. Breakdown, you can drive to the nearest garage. I could break down all alone in the middle of Alaska... Frasier: Finally a thought to raise all our spirits! Niles: This traffic is murder. I'd suggest we walk home but I'm afraid what the humidity will do to these loafers. Does calfskin pucker? Frasier: Yes, Niles! That's why on humid farms, the calf is the most made-fun-of of all the animals! Niles: There's no point in being snide. We're all going to be in here for a while, we might as well try and make pleasant conversation. We are a family, after all, it shouldn't be that hard. There is a long silent pause. Then Martin starts up talking... to Arleen. Martin: So, you been driving long? Arleen: Not really. Martin: I bet you have some pretty good stories, though? Arleen: You guys ever hear of a woman having a baby in a cab? The three kid about and ad-lib "yeahs" and "we've all heard that one." Martin: Why, did it happen in this cab? Arleen: No, I think it's about to. Martin: [shocked:] You're pregnant! Arleen: Yes. [begins screaming in labor pains] Frasier: Well, don't panic, it may just be false labor. Arleen: My water's just broken! I'm sitting in a puddle of water. Niles pulls his feet up. Niles: Calfskin, calfskin! Frasier: Niles! Martin: I think the closest hospital is First Methodist. Frasier: Dad, we'll never make it in this traffic. I think we better pull over. Niles: Please try to park facing down hill. Frasier: Niles! Arleen: I can't have my baby here! Frasier: All right, there's no reason for you to be concerned. You're in the presence of two trained medical professionals. [then] Niles, help the woman. Niles gets out of the cab. He opens her door and she falls out. After much screaming he pushes her back in and closes the door. Frasier: No, Niles! The other door. Niles goes to the other door and gets into the cab. Meanwhile, Martin picks up the squawk box. Martin: Is anybody there? Come in! Niles: All right, the most important thing you can do right now is breath deeply. Just do as I do. Niles breaths in and out. She copies. Frasier: Are you feeling faint or out of breath? Niles: [hyperventilating] Yes, both of those. Man: [v.o:] Hello, go ahead. Martin: Yeah, I'm calling from cab number... 804. This is an emergency. Your driver, Arleen, just went into labor. We're at the corner of 14th on Sycamore. We need an ambulance here right now, do you hear me? Over. Man: [v.o:] Yes, I'll get right on it. Arleen: Ah, it really hurts. Niles: It's okay, it's natural. Arleen: No, you're squeezing my hand! Niles stops. Frasier: Get a hold of yourself, Niles! Niles: I'm sorry, I only did this once before in medical school. And all I remember is a bright light, lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead. Arleen: You fainted! Niles: Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do! Frasier: Oh, Niles get out of there. I'll help her. Niles gets out of the cab and Frasier takes his place. Arleen: The baby's coming now! Frasier: If it does come, I'll be here to catch it. Now listen, just continue with your breathing. [she does] Now, I don't want you feeling guilty for having your baby in a cab. No, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure many great Americans have been born this way. Cab Calloway comes to mind. My particular area of medicine is psychiatry and I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portion of the body - it's much less messy that way. Not that your lower half is messy at all, it's quite beautiful... not that I'm looking! [she screams] It's hurting a bit? Arleen: No, you're driving me crazy! [chucks a cap at him] Martin pushes Frasier out and gets in himself. Arleen: What, are you a doctor too? Martin: No, I'm a retired cop. Arleen: Well, what took you so long? Martin: Everything's going to be just fine, sweetheart. Now I've delivered more than a few babies in my lifetime and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier's going to hold your hand and help you with your breathing. And Niles is going to look out for an ambulance and I'm going to get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world. Okay? Arleen: Okay. Martin: Now, are there any questions? Niles: Yes, should our meter still be running? Martin and Frasier gives him a look as Arleen screams with another labor pain and throws up a hand that knocks Niles out cold. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment On the dining room table, Daphne's bathrobe is laid out. Daphne: [o.s:] Hello? Are you back yet? When there is no answer, Daphne rushes in wearing just a towel and her shower shoes. She picks up her nightgown to put it on. However, at that moment the Cranes enter. Daphne, half out of her towel, holds the robe in front of her, seemingly naked behind it. Niles gapes, and even Frasier and Martin are stunned. Daphne: Well go on, turn your heads. Daphne turns round to change. The three men turn round 180 degrees and face the wall - however, Niles continues turning until he is back where he started - staring at Daphne. Frasier puts a stop to it and turns him back just before Daphne can catch him. She's ready. Daphne: Okay. They all turn back. Daphne: So, I guess you've had some excitement tonight. Niles: [the wrong end of the stick:] No, I haven't! Frasier bats his arm. Daphne: Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone. Delivering a baby in a taxi. Niles: [realising:] Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school. Frasier: Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water. Martin: What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute it's just this blob in some lady's stomach, next minute it's a person. [visualizing:] Blob - Person! Frasier: The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase. Daphne: I bet you have some fond memories of when your son was born. Frasier: Oh yes, of course. I remember the very first time I held him in my arms as a newborn. And it was as if everything in the universe simply melted away. There was just a father, a son and the distant sound of Lilith saying, "If you ever come near me again, Frasier, I'll drop you with a deer rifle." Martin: At least nowadays fathers get to see their sons being born. In my day, they stuck us all in the waiting room, smoking cigarettes and reading "Life" magazine. I still remember the exact article I was reading when Niles was born. It was about Mickey Mantle. Talk about life setting you up for a fall! Well, it's been a long night. I'm turning in. Martin exits to his bedroom. Frasier: Night, Dad. Daphne: I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says, [imitating old woman:] "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." [normal voice:] Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." [mother's voice:] "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" [normal, getting carried away:] "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." [old voice:] "But will she drop it?" [normal:] "Oh shut up, mother!" [old voice:] "Don't talk to me like that, young lady..." Daphne carries on and exits to her room. Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her. [pause] Sherry, Niles? Niles: No, thank you. Frasier: You seem awfully reflective, is something on your mind? Niles: Actually, yes. For the past several months I've noticed my thoughts often drifting to the same subject: will I ever be a father? Frasier: Ah. Niles: There are pros and cons, of course, but watching that child's birth tonight I realise it's something I really want... I think. Frasier: Well, it's perfectly natural to have parental stirrings around at your age. Niles: Uh, er, no, this is more than stirrings. I wake up nights thinking about it. Frasier: Have you talked this over with Maris? Niles: Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me. I'm just not sure I'm really ready for fatherhood. Frasier: Well, Niles, no-one's ever really sure. You know, in schools these days, teenagers who are thinking about becoming parents are given a ten-pound sack of flour to keep with them for a week as though it were a baby. Niles: [laughs] You're kidding? Frasier: No, no, no, they hold it, they care for it, they never let it out of their sight. It gives them a very good idea of the cost and responsibility of being a parent. Niles: Hmm, that's very clever. What could be better than hands-on experience? Might be worth a try. Frasier: Well, I wasn't actually suggesting. Niles: Well, why not? It's the perfect week: Maris is away, I'm desperate to resolve the issue; Frasier, where do you keep the flour? Niles begins searching the living room. Frasier: In the kitchen. Niles: [excited:] In the kitchen. Niles and Frasier enter the kitchen. Frasier: The cabinet next to the sink. Niles: [opens cabinet and gets out a pack:] Yes! Here it is. [reads] Extra refined. [to Frasier:] It's taking after his old man all ready! Frasier: No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Frasier puts the sugar back and brings out the flour. Frasier: Now, here is the flour. [reads] Bleached, one hundred percent fat free, best when kept in an airtight container. [to Niles:] It seems this one's taking after its mother. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO Scene One - Café Nervosa. Frasier is sat at the table when Niles enter with his bag of flour to his shoulder. Frasier: Hello, Niles. Niles: Hello, Frasier, may I join you? Or should I say, may we? Frasier: Mais oui. Niles sits with his "baby." Frasier: I see you're still continuing with our little baby experiment. Niles: Yes and it's turned out to be quite a learning experience. It's not easy, though. I take him everywhere. Get up for two a.m. feedings, the whole exhausting nine yards. Niles notices a mother and baby walk past him, he interrupts. Niles: What a beautiful baby, how old is he? Mother: Eight weeks. Niles: Oh, great age isn't it? Niles turns his "flour child" round and we see that he has two plasters on. Frasier: Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo. Niles: Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other night, never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through. Frasier: What young parent doesn't tell that story? Niles: The scars were just plain carelessness. The fault of my new houseman, Guy. Frasier: What did Guy do? Niles: No, no, [next to the same pronunciation:] Guy. Frasier: Guy. Niles: Back of the throat, Guy. Frasier: Oh, who cares? Niles: He had just given my car the most brilliant shine when I sat the baby on the roof and down it went, down the windshield and onto the driveway. Will you watch him for me while I order? Frasier nods. Niles lays the new-born on the chair and goes to the counter. Then Roz enters, and notices the sack. Roz: Hey, Fras. Is this seat taken? [points to chair with flour] Frasier: Well, actually... [catches himself:] No. Frasier takes the flour from the seat and lays it on the floor. Roz: [sits] You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off. Frasier: Clarence? Roz: Yeah, Clarence the guard. Frasier: Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick. Roz: You signed his get-well card. Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card? Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant. Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"! Roz: How could you think it was his birthday? Frasier: I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a giant pink bunny rabbit. Do you think he's read it yet? Roz: No, I don't think so. He was sleeping when I left. Frasier: I'm going to look like a callous fool. We've gotta get back down there and get that card back. Frasier and Roz stand up to leave. Niles: [enters] How can you be leaving? [notices baby:] I asked you to baby-sit! Frasier: Oh, Niles! I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity, I have to go and steal a get-well card from a kidney patient! Niles picks his son up and nurses it as the radio star and producer leave. [SCENE_BREAK] NO GUTS, NO GLORY Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment Daphne and Frasier are reading the get-well card. Daphne: What does that say? Geb? Frasier: [looks:] No, no, it's "get." [reads] "Get well soon, love Andrea." Just copy it down, move onto the next name. It then becomes apparent that Frasier and Daphne are copying the names from the old card onto a new, identical card. Frasier: We'll have to transfer all the old names from this card onto the new card, as quickly as possible, I want to get it back there tonight. Daphne: So you actually snuck into a man's hospital room and stole his card? Frasier: I did not sneak in! Luckily, the man was in extreme pain and heavily sedated. Martin gives his comments from where he is sitting on his "throne." Martin: This never would have happened if you had taken the time to find out who this Clarence guy was! You never pay any attention to the little people in your life. Frasier: Yes, well as soon as we're done with this, why don't we invite all the commoners over to drive me down to the town square and give me a good stoning! [doorbell] That must be Niles. He's going to take me down to the hospital. Frasier opens the door to Niles. He is stood with a wide smile on his face and his flour child hanging from him in a baby carrier. Frasier: Hello Niles. [notices] Niles: Hello Frasier. Niles enters not even thinking about the ludicrous "baby-bag." Martin: What are you doing with that thing? Niles: I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever. Martin: Well that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something stupid! Niles: If it makes you feel any better, I don't wear this in public, I just wanted to get the complete picture of parenthood. Frasier: And? Niles: It's driving me batty! Niles sits down and knocks the what-would-be head of the baby against the table. Niles: Oh the feedings every two hours. Constant monitoring where he is, I can see how parents can be obsessed with worry. Last night, I actually had a dream my flour sack was abducted and the kidnapper started sending me muffins in the mail. Well, on the plus side, I've learned a lot. I think if I ever undergo through the real thing I'll make quite a wonderful parent. Niles lifts it out of its pouch revealing to us that it is in fact burnt to a crisp. Frasier: Niles! What has happened to your child? Niles: I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry. Frasier: He caught on fire? Niles: It's not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames! Niles's watch begins to beep. Niles: Oh, time for his nap. Niles puts the sack on the couch with it's "head" on a cushion. Niles: Turn him over if he starts fussing, will you, dad? Martin: No. Niles: I'm role playing, dad. Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person. Frasier and Niles cross to the sherry, they pour. Frasier: So Niles, any closer to making a decision about fatherhood? Niles: To tell you the truth, no. At one minute I think there's no chance in hell I'll ever be able to stand the stress. The next I find myself daydreaming about taking my son on his first trip to the museum or listening to him pick out his first feeble "Für Elise" on the piano and I swear there are tears in my eyes. Frasier notices that Eddie has begun ripping Niles's son to bits. Flour is all over the couch. Frasier: Oh, dear. Niles: What? Frasier: Eddie. Daphne: [Australian accent:] That dingo's got your baby! Niles notices and stands up to go to the rescue. Niles: Oh God, Eddie! Daphne: Don't worry, I'll clean up that mess, Dr. Crane. Niles: Oh my God. Martin: For God's sake, Niles, calm down. I think it's time you realized something. That is not a person, it's a bag of flour. There's an easy trick to tell the difference: people don't usually come with pop-over recipes on their backs. This whole thing's stupid. We're talking about having a baby here. You don't make that decision intellectually, you make it in here. [points to his chest] In your gut. You must have a gut feeling, Niles - what is it? Niles: I'm not sure. Martin: Well, you better be because no amount of thinking can prepare you for what having a kid is really like. It's hard, full of surprises. Like maybe your kid won't want to take piano lessons or go to the museum. He might want to go to a baseball game. Niles: Don't even say that. Martin: Just trust yourself, son. That's all. You'll know if it's right or not. Frasier: [picks card up:] Well, Niles, I'm finished with this now, if you're ready to take me to the hospital. Niles: You know Frasier, I'm beginning to wonder if this whole experiment wasn't just a way of convincing myself that I'm ready for something when I know in my heart, I'm not. Frasier: What do you mean? Niles: I want to have a baby, but I just don't want it enough. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to admit. Frasier: Why do you say that? Niles: Oh, because it's so selfish. I'm the right age, I have the money, the energy. Frasier: Niles, it's only selfish when people have babies for the wrong reasons. I think more people should do what you did and find out if they're really ready. Look, just because you feel this way now doesn't mean things can't change a few years down the line. Niles: Perhaps you're right. Of course, Maris and I will be over forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen. Frasier: Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now. Frasier and Niles exit. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Hospital Corridor Niles and Frasier are walking down the corridor of the hospital. Niles: You're certainly going to a lot of trouble for this Clarence fellow. Who is he? Frasier: Beats me. Some guy down at the station. Frasier enters the room with the patient in. The old man is in bed fast asleep. Frasier notices get-well cards strung across a string above the man's bed so opens the card to put it with the rest. However, upon opening the card the music strikes up. Frasier quickly puts the card up and the whole string falls down covering the sleeping man in cards. Meanwhile the music from the card puts a finishing touch to the scene. Frasier quickly hurries out slamming the door behind him. When he gets out, Niles has gone, and he comes face to face with an old man walking along the corridor. This man is the real Clarence. He is walking with his wife, Mary. Clarence: Dr. Crane! It's Clarence. You weren't in there looking for me, were you? Frasier: As a matter of fact I was, yes. Clarence: They changed my room. Mary: Oh, this is so sweet of you. Frasier: Well, you know, Clarence is such a fixture down at the station. I just haven't felt the same there without him. Clarence: You find the time to come down here while the rest of those bums at the station don't even send me a card. Frasier: Gee, Clarence, there's an explanation for that... Frasier opens the room he just went in and offstage we hear the music and a man screaming, "Make the music stop!" Frasier quickly shuts the door. Frasier: You see, the others at the station, they just don't know you the way I do. Yes, well you get yourself well and get right back there. I miss seeing you every time I walk by the.... place you tend to be. [calls:] Niles. We now see another hospital corridor. It is the birth ward. Niles is looking through a window at all the newborns. Frasier: [calls:] Niles. [enters] Niles, what are you doing? Niles: Looking at these babies. I can't help wondering if I made the right decision. Frasier: Niles... Niles: Oh look at them, they're healthy, beautiful, lovable... Frasier: Flammable! Niles: How can I deny myself this experience? Maybe I'm more ready for parenthood than I thought. The cab driver from Scene Two enters from a room across the hallway. She is carrying her baby. Arleen: Hey, what are you guys doing here? Frasier: How funny running into you, and this must be... Arleen: Yes, little Nathan. Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you. We both want to thank you guys again. So, would one of you like to hold him? Niles: Yes. [he is thrilled to hold him and does so] Shush! [Nathan starts crying] Why shouldn't you cry? Everything's so new to you, so much to do, a life to live. Arleen: No, you've got his leg pinned back. She takes him from him. Arleen: Well, see you guys. Say hi to your dad for me. [leaves] Niles: Perhaps I made the right decision. Frasier: Oh, I think so. Ready to go? Niles: Uh-huh. Frasier exits as Niles carries on staring at the newborns. END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment Daphne is in the kitchen making a cake. There is a bowlful of flour on the side. There is also a pack of flour which Daphne picks up and cuddles as if it were a baby. Martin enters and laughs at her. So Daphne takes some flour and throws it at Martin. Martin does it back to her. They carry on throwing more and more flour until Daphne takes the whole bowl and throws it over his head as we FADE OUT.

After witnessing a birth, Niles contemplates becoming a parent. Meanwhile, Frasier attempts to retrieve a get-well card for a colleague because he wrote an inappropriate message on it.

fd_Once_Upon_A_Time_05x12

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Evil Queen: What must I do to enact this curse? RumplestiltskinYou need to sacrifice the heart of the thing you love most. Evil Queen: I'm sorry. Hook: Aah! Emma: This isn't fair to Killian. Gold tricked him. I'm getting him back. Mary Margaret: You're going to Hell? Emma: The Underworld. Hook, I will find you. I will always find you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Emma's dream. ] [SCENE_BREAK] (She wakes up in her dream and looks around in a confused manner, because she is in her yellow bug) Neal: (Sits up in the back of the bug) Hey, Emma. Emma: (Gasps) Neal? Neal: Yeah. Emma: It's really great to see you. Where are we? Am I dreaming? Neal: No. If this were a dream, there'd be, like, talking doughnuts or something weird like that. (Gets out of the, before getting back into the passenger seat) Think of this as a long-distance call from an old friend. Emma: It's really you. Neal: How's our son? Emma: Great. He... misses his dad. He's growing up. Neal: I bet. Emma: (Laughs) Is this the Underworld? I was on my way to the Underworld. Neal: Yeah, I know that's where you're headed. That's kind of why I'm here. Don't go, Emma. Once you get there, it is not an easy place to get out of. I know you're trying to save Hook. But trust me on this. This won't end the way you think it will. Emma: I would have come after you, too. I didn't know I could do this. Neal: You couldn't have. I'm not there. I'm not in limbo. Emma: Does that mean... that Hook is there? I can get him? Neal: Yeah, he's there. Emma: Then help me. I can split my heart and give it to him. It could work. Neal: The Underworld's for people with unfinished business, and that isn't me. That's why I'm not there. Emma: Where are you? Neal: Someplace. Someplace where I'm happy. I only came here because I care about you, Emma. Stop what you're doing before it's too late. Emma: I can't. Neal: I figured. But I had to try. Emma: (Breathes sharply) Neal. Neal: I love you, Emma. I always have, and I always will. (Kisses her forehead, before getting out of the car and walking away) Emma: Neal? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld. Charon's Boat ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The group are on Charon's boat, heading to the Underworld, when Emma suddenly wakes up and is breathing heavily) Mary Margaret: Emma, are you okay? David: Yeah, you passed out. Emma: Yeah. I'm fine. Mr Gold: Good. Because we're here. (The scene switches to the group walking on the boardwalk off the small boat, and entering hell, before transitioning into them walking down Main Street, in the Underworld version of Storybrooke. The clock tower is broken and on the ground, and dead people walk in a zombie like manner by them) Regina: I don't think we're in Maine anymore. Emma: How is this possible? How does the Underworld look like Storybrooke? Mr Gold: Your questions are pointless. All that matters is, all these people in this Underworld are dead and trapped because they have unfinished business. (An engine revs, and in the distance, they see Cruella drive past in her car) Emma: Cruella. Mr Gold: That's right. And she's here because of you. And I imagine there are many here because of all of us. Let's not lollygag. Emma: Split up. We'll cover more ground. Regina: Agreed. The sooner we get out of here, the better. (Spots someone from her past that she killed) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Evil Queen approaches a small village with several of her black knights) Evil Queen: Greetings, my subjects. Woman: Your Majesty. (Breathes deeply) Happy birthday, my Queen. (Bows and is holding out a blueberry pie) Evil Queen: (Walks over to her and dips her finger into the pie and tastes it) Blueberry. Not bad. But I prefer apple. (Signals to the peasant woman to move back) Luckily for you, I'm not here for the pie. The present I want, none of you have. But you will get it for me... Snow White's heart on a plate. I know she's been here. And if someone doesn't start talking... (Goes to rip out the same woman's heart, but is stopped by a voice) Blacktooth: Wait. I think I can help you. I can tell you where Snow White is. Evil Queen: Then tell me. Blacktooth: I want something in return. Evil Queen: How's this for a deal? Tell me, and I'll kill you quickly instead of slowly. (Begins to start magically choking him) Tell me where that wretched girl is. Snow White: (Appears behind the Evil Queen and is holding up a loaded bow and arrow, pointing towards her) Behind you. I'm right here, Regina, and I won't let you hurt anyone else. Evil Queen: (Produces a magic fireball) Grumpy: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Charming: We've got you surrounded. Snow White: So, what do you say? Shall we end this ridiculous conflict? Evil Queen: (Blows out the fireball) You're lucky it's my birthday and I'm feeling benevolent. (Poofs away in a cloud of purple smoke) (The scene transitions to the Evil Queen back in her palace, and is storming into a room, her father hot on her trail) Valet: Is this really the way you want to spend today? Perhaps it's time for a change. Perhaps it's time to give up... on revenge and move on. Evil Queen: I will never give up. Not until Snow White's heart is in one of these boxes. Valet: I know you loved Daniel, but if anyone is to blame, it's your mother. She ripped out his heart so you would become the merciless queen that she always wanted. Don't let her win. Don't let her control you. Evil Queen: Mother does not control me. I banished her to Wonderland, remember? Valet: Until you give up this quest for vengeance, Cora will always have a hold on you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the Underworld version of the mayor's office, Cora sits behind the desk, facing out of the window, when Blacktooth enters) Blacktooth: Your Majesty. She's here. Cora: (Swivels in her chair and looks at him) Thank you for bringing me this information. Now tell me... how's my daughter? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the Underworld's version of Granny's diner, Mary Margaret enters, and Granny's is now ran by the Blind Witch. Mary Margaret makes her way to the counter and the Blind Witch sniffs her) Blind Witch: Is that... I know you. Aren't you Snow White? (Gasps) Can you imagine? Uh, well, what can I get you? Do you like gingerbread or children? Kidding. But the... the gingerbread's actually not bad. Mary Margaret: I'm looking for a friend. He would have gotten here recently. Uh, dark hair, a hook for a hand. Blind Witch: (Gasps) Captain Hook. Mary Margaret: You know him? Blind Witch: No, no. But your description's pretty complete. (The door opens again, and David's twin, James enters, but Mary Margaret thinks it is David as he approaches her) Mary Margaret: (Sighs) David. You changed. What happened? Is everything okay? James: Everything's fine. Mary Margaret: Good, because I'm not. This place is creeping me out. James: (Interrupts her and pulls her in for a kiss, before she pulls away after a few moments. He chuckles) . I see why my brother likes you. Mary Margaret: (Steps back in shock) James. James: Indeed. So, Snow White's in town. I'm guessing that means my brother is, too. All right. When you see ol' Dave, tell him there's a new sheriff in town. (Picks up a drink before walking away) (The door opens again and this time, the real David enters. He just catches sight of James disappearing around the back) David: Was that... my brother? Mary Margaret: Yeah. (The door opens again and this time Emma and Mr Gold enter, making their way towards them both) Emma: Mom. Dad. You find anything? Mary Margaret: Uh... there's no sign of him at the park or the town hall. Emma: This is hopeless. We don't even know if Hook's here. What if he has no unfinished business? Mr Gold: He died a Dark One, Miss Swan. Trust me, he's here. Look, I'm finished being a team player. If you want things done, let me do them my way. I may have something down here that can help us. (He leaves the diner) Henry: (He has entered through the back way and makes his way towards them) Emma: Henry. Henry: No luck yet, Mom? Emma: Not yet. (Sees that Henry is holding a key) What's that? Henry: I was just checking the rooms. Emma: Room eight. That was your dad's. You're looking for him? Henry: I wanted to let him know I was okay. Emma: He knows, kid. He knows. Henry: How can you be sure? Emma: I just am. (Voice breaking) He's in a better place, I promise. (The scene changes to Regina and Robin who are walking down Main Street together, still looking for Hook) Robin Hood: It's uncanny. It's so similar, yet so... off. Regina: Well, when I conjured Storybrooke, it was with the Dark Curse. Whoever created that curse, looks like this is where they got their inspiration. Robin Hood: Or vice versa. Regina: (Suddenly stops, because she has seen Blacktooth) Robin Hood: What is it? What's wrong? Regina: (Turns to face Blacktooth) You. You've been following us. Why? Blacktooth: Someone wants to see you. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The Evil Queen is sitting at her dressing table, picking petals from a black rose) Evil Queen: I hate her pasty complexion... her insufferable sincerity... and her puny army of sweaty little child-beasts. Valet: (Standing behind her) I believe they're dwarfs. Evil Queen: I don't care what they are. They're disgusting. And I asked to be alone, Daddy. So if you've come here to talk about Mother again, I'm not interested. I just want this birthday to be over. (Leaves the room) Valet: (Walks over to the mirror) Mirror, Mirror on the wall, we must do something about my daughter. Magic Mirror: (The Genie's face appears in the mirror). How can I be of service? Valet: I need you to summon... her. Magic Mirror: I'm sorry. No. I don't have a death wish. Valet: If you care for my daughter at all, you will do what I ask. Magic Mirror: As you wish. Cora: (Appears in the mirror) Oh. Hello, Henry. Valet: Cora, are aware of what day it is? Cora: Of course. I'm well aware it's our daughter's birthday. Let me guess... she's wasting it tormenting herself over Snow White. Valet: You have to talk to her. She listens to you. Tell her to let go of this feud. Cora: She doesn't need to let it go. She needs to finish it. If Regina won't be happy until she crushes Snow White's heart, then we must help her do just that. Valet: This was a terrible idea. (Turns away) Cora: (Appears in the other mirror in his vision) Where do you think you're going? Valet: To talk to Snow White. Goodbye, Cora. I don't need your help. (Walks away and leaves her) Cora: No. But Regina does. (Manages to climb out of the mirror) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the mayor's office, Cora is waiting for Regina) Regina: Mother. You're here. Cora: Yes. Regina: I had hoped you were okay. Cora: I know, darling. (They embrace tightly) I know. (Pulls back) But I do have unfinished business. And that would be you. Regina: You don't have to worry about me. Cora: I'll always worry about you. I want you to be happy. Regina: Then help me find Hook and get out of here. Cora: It's too dangerous. You need to leave... now. Regina: I promised my friends I would help. Cora: Your friends. Your family. They're what's holding you back. Sweetheart, you must do what's best for you. Regina: I am. Cora: No, you're not. And if you won't, I'll see to it that you do. It wasn't easy, but I've arranged for a boat to take you home. It departs in one hour. Take Henry, take your thief, and go before it's too late. Regina: Mother... I can't. Cora: You must. I know it's hard to... to put aside all suspicion after how I raised you, but, Regina... do you remember the last thing I said to you before I died? Regina: That I would have been enough. Cora: You would have been. It just took me too long to realize it. Don't make the same mistake. Go. Regina: What would happened if I stayed? Cora: Sometimes a mother has to do what's best for her child, even if it's reprehensible. Regina: Are you threatening me? Cora: Oh, no. No, of course not. I never. But there's something I have to show you. (Cora uses her magic to poof herself, Regina and Blacktooth to a fiery cave. Regina and Cora are in the safe section, away from the edge, but Blacktooth is standing on a small rock ledge) Regina: Mother... where are we? What are you doing? (Cora raises her hand, and straight away, flames begin to surround Blacktooth, who begins to scream) Cora: Showing you your fate if you don't return to Storybrooke. (Cora uses her magic to throw Blacktooth off the edge of the cliff and he is still engulfed by flames as he falls, before landing in the fiery pit below.) Regina: You... you killed him. Cora: (Turns to face Regina) "Killed" is, um, a relative term down here. This Underworld... most can only leave it in two ways... to a better place or a worse one. But you, my sweet daughter, have another option. However, not for long. Go home, or there will be a cost. Someone will suffer. Regina: Who? Cora: Your father. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold arrives outside the Underworld version of his pawn shop, and he looks up to see the sign broken. After a few moments, he enters the shop, to see a thread wheel spinning rapidly. He walks further into the shop and sees the chipped cup and it's matching saucer.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Storybrooke ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The scene is set just before they leave for the Underworld, and Mr Gold is in the process of telling Belle) Belle: The Underworld? Mr Gold: I'll only be gone for a day. Just long enough to retrieve Hook. Belle: I-I don't understand. Why you? Mr Gold: Because, Belle, I'm the only who's been there. Plus, my blood can summon the ferry. Belle: (Kisses him) Just come back to me. Mr Gold: I always do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold is still in the pawn shop, now holding the chipped cup in his hands. He puts is back down and then notices his childhood doll. He then makes his way behind the counter, realizing who is in there, looking for the potion that will help find Hook) Peter Pan: (Behind him) Looking for something? Mr Gold: (Turns to face him) Peter Pan. I certainly wasn't looking for you. Peter Pan: Oh, come on, son. Don't be like that. Aren't you glad to see your dear old father? Mr Gold: Just because you, uh, sired me, that doesn't make you my father. (Steps out from behind the counter and stops in front of Peter Pan) Step aside. Peter Pan: (Moves aside) Keep looking for as long as you like. But down here, this is my shop. And you won't find anything unless I want you to. Mr Gold: Be careful with your threats. Peter Pan: Or what? You'll kill me again? Maybe it's time to put the past behind us. This is what you're looking for, right? (Holding the potion in his hands, before placing it down next to the wooden doll) Go on. Take it. Mr Gold: How generous. How many strings are attached? Peter Pan: No strings. Rumple, I meant what I said before I died. I... I do want to start over. Mr Gold: Never gonna happen.I sent you here for a reason. Peter Pan: I miss the world above the tastes, the smells. Mr Gold: Sorry. You can't go back. Peter Pan: Not unless I trade places with a living soul. And those people you came down with... they are not your friends. And they are living... for now. Maybe one of them doesn't make the trip back, but your dear old dad does. Mr Gold: Not interested. Peter Pan: Not yet. But... this one's on the house for today. (Picks up the potion and holds it out for Mr Gold) A gesture of goodwill... from a father to his son. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Regina, Henry and Robin are in Granny's diner. Regina is back from seeing her mother and telling them what happened) Mary Margaret: She'll really do that? She'll throw your father, her husband, into the fire? Regina: Of course she will. She thinks she's giving me my best chance. I can't let my father suffer because of me. Robin Hood: Regina, it's all right. Regina: No, it's not. He's here because I killed him. The only way I've been able to deal with that is by imaging he went to a better place, but... he didn't. (Sighs) Maybe I should get on that boat. Emma: Yes, you should. David: Absolutely not. We're not leaving until we find Hook together. Emma: It's dangerous here. Mary Margaret: Which is why we're not leaving you alone. Mr Gold: (Has entered through the back, and is walking towards them, carrying the potion vial) Perhaps I can cut through this little family squabble. Robin Hood: What the hell is that? Mr Gold: This is the way to find your deceased pirate. The Ale of Seonaidh from the land of DunBroch. Regina: That's a mouthful. Mr Gold: It lets you communicate with the dead. Pour this over Hook's grave, and we can stop guessing where he is and simply ask him. David: You're saying Hook has a grave here in the Underworld? Mr Gold: Everyone down here has a grave. You'll find the cemetery right where you remember it. Mary Margaret: Well, if this works, we could find Hook before the boat leaves. We could all get out of here together. Mr Gold: A fine idea. I suggest you all get moving. Emma: No way. (Walks towards Mr Gold) You're coming with us. Mr Gold: (Hands Emma the potion) You can do this part on your own. There's a boat that's leaving soon. You want to find Hook? Fine. But I have no interest in exploring this world further. You can meet me there. But that's entirely up to you. (He starts leaving) Emma: (Goes to stop him, but is cut off by Mary Margaret) Mary Margaret: Emma. There's no time to argue. If there's even a chance that will work, we have to risk it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's late at night, and Cora disguised as the Valet is waiting in the woods, as Snow White approaches him from behind, her arrow pointing at him) Snow White: I got your message. Are you alone? Cora/Valet: Alone and unarmed, as promised. Snow White: Well, I'm alone, but I don't go anywhere unarmed.Sorry. Cora/Valet: I'm here because I care about my daughter. And if the war continues, it will destroy the kingdom, but more importantly, her soul. Valet: Snow White. (Snow turns to face the real Valet, who looks shocked. Cora disguised as Regina's father, suddenly moves forward and rips Snow's heart out, and Snow gaps. Snow turns back to face her, as Cora changes her appearance to her normal self) Cora: You see? The only way to truly achieve peace is through war. (Places Snow's heart in one a box) Valet: Cora. How... how are you here? Cora: Why, because of you, Henry dear. You played with magic you didn't understand. And I never let a good mistake go to waste. Valet: Please, I beg you. Don't do this. Cora: (Controls Snow through her heart) Now... forget this ever happened and go enjoy your last few hours. Snow White: (Forgets what has gone on and walks away, leaving Cora and the Valet behind) Cora: Come along, Henry. Regina needs her birthday present. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The group are now in the Graveyard, and Emma is holding Hook's ring as they look out at all the graves.) Emma: All right. Let's do this. (The scene transitions into them standing in front of Hook's graves. The others are standing a bit further back then Emma is.) Mary Margaret: You okay? Emma: I just hope he is. (Emma steps forward and pours the potion that Mr Gold gave her over Hook's grave. After a few moments, Hook appears in front of them, but he keeps flashing in and out, and is battered, bruised, bloody and burnt. Regina and Robin instantly shield Henry from the sight, and Emma is relived and also concerned when she sees him) Emma: Killian. Killian, we're here to help you. We just can't find you. Where are you? Regina: Emma... the spell's not steady. He can't hear you. Emma: Just tell us where you are. Robin Hood: Something's happening. Regina: It's not holding. Emma: Talk to us. Talk to me. (Hook suddenly disappears back into the ground, the potion not having been successful) Emma: (Falls to her knees in an attempt to follow him) Killian! He doesn't know we came for him. We... he doesn't know we're here. He doesn't know that I care. Mary Margaret: (Walks closer to Emma) Yes, he does. And, Emma, we will find him. Emma: Will we? Did you not just see that? (Stands up) He's in pain. He's suffering. And look at this place. We have half an hour. (Breathes deeply and turns to face her parents.) You have half an hour. Cora has a boat coming. You have to take it, or we might all be stuck here. David: If she can arrange a way out, so can we... after we find Hook. We are not giving up on you. Emma: Walks over to Regina) Regina. They're staying, but you should go. Regina: No. I-I... Emma: Take Robin and Henry... because if you don't, whatever your father is going to face... Regina: Interrupts) It probably looks a lot like what... Hook is facing. Emma: So, it's settled. Get them out of here. Get yourself out of here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (It's the Evil Queen's birthday, and she is glaring at her birthday cake, whilst people are gathered around her, ready to celebrate her birthday. The Jester is trying to get her to smile) Jester: Make a wish! Make a wish! Evil Queen: (Angrily blows out the candle, still glaring at the Jester) Jester: What did you wish? Evil Queen:That you were amusing, Jester. And it didn't come true. (Uses her magic to kill the Jester) Let's wind this up. I've had enough revelry. Cora: (The crowd parts when she speaks) Oh, don't go yet. (Starts walking towards her) Evil Queen: Mother. How did you get out of Wonderland? Where's Daddy? Did you do something? Cora: (Stops in front of her and is holding a birthday present) Oh, I lost track of him hours ago when I had him wrap... this. (Holds the present out for her) Happy birthday, darling. Evil Queen: I don't want anything from you. Cora: Oh, you'll want this. I did what no one else could do, Regina. I've brought you your revenge. (Opens the box to reveal "Snow White's" heart) Snow White's beating heart. Evil Queen: (Leans forward, inspecting the heart) Really? Cora: Crush it, and she dies at last. You don't believe me. Let me show you. Bring the Magic Mirror. (The two Black Knights go to collect the mirror and the Evil Queen picks up the heart and laughs evilly, before turning to the mirror) Cora: Show us Snow White. (The mirror transitions to Snow White, Prince Charming and the dwarfs having dinner somewhere in the woods and they are all laughing) Snow White: (Holds up her tankard) To my stepmother! May she spend the rest of her birthdays searching for me. Grumpy: To the Queen! (Snow, Charming and the Dwarfs all clink their tankards together) All: To the Queen! (The Evil Queen begins to crush the heart, and Snow stands up, gasping and Charming looks at her worriedly.) Prince Charming: Snow. (The scene in the mirror continues to show Snow gasping and frantically pawing at her chest, as the Evil Queen continues to squish the heart. A few moments later, Jiminy comes out of Snow's shirt and everyone laughs. The Evil Queen looks away from the mirror and down to the heart angrily before squeezing it into dust, and one of her Black Knights falls over and dies.) Cora: Someone switched the hearts. Evil Queen: (Angry) Who? (The scene changes to Regina who is now in an empty dining room, inspecting her apples, when the Valet enters, carrying a box) Evil Queen: You gave Snow White her heart back. Valet: I had to for your own good. Evil Queen: How could you say that? She'd be dead right now, and all this would be over. Don't you want me to be happy? Valet: Of course, but not like this. If you crush her heart, you could be dark forever, Regina. You'll be just like her... your mother. That's what she wants. Please. Please, Regina. Please, you have to listen to me. You can be happy. Evil Queen: Killing Snow White is the only way I will ever be happy. Valet: I'm sorry you think that. Evil Queen: You betrayed me, Daddy. And you know what that means. Valet: Do what you will, dear. It matters not, because Snow White lives. And now so does your chance at redemption. Whatever happens to me was worth it. This box is as empty as your pursuit. I pray it stays that way. Evil Queen: It won't. Until Snow White dies, I will never be what you want... let along what I want. (Takes the box from him) And this box was made to hold something precious. And that's exactly what's it's going to do. (Uses her magic to shrink the Valet so he can fit into the box) Don't worry, Daddy. You're safe in here. I just can't let you stop me. But I would never do anything to hurt you. Valet: Regina, please. Don't. No! Evil Queen: (Shuts the lid) [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina uses what is left of the potion to pour over her father's grave. After a few moments the Valet appears, and the potion has worked properly with him, unlike it did with Hook) Valet: Regina. Regina: Daddy. I'm so sorry. (Crying) I'm so sorry. (Sobs) Valet: (Steps forward and places his hands on her shoulders, before hugging her) It's okay, dear. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Regina: Is it? Am I really forgiven? Valet: Of course. I love you no matter what. That's what fathers do. Regina: (Pulls back) I'm not sure they do. I think you're very special. I don't understand how you can be so good. Valet: Oh, I'm not perfect. I have many regrets. I don't even know which one is keeping me in this place. Regina: Well, it doesn't matter. Your suffering will not get any worse. I'm going to see to it. Valet: No, Regina. That's I came to tell you. Your mother is using me to get you to leave. But I want you to stay. You've got a job to do... helping Snow White, your friends. They need you. They need your strength. You finally put vengeance aside to be a hero. I'm not gonna stand in the way of that. Regina: But Mother's going to send you someplace worse. I-I-I can't cause you pain again. Mother made her decision. We both know we can't change her mind. But she's given you a way out. Both of us. Valet: When you tore my heart out, it was driven by the worst motives. But if you stay, you spread hope. That's the best thing anyone can do. Let your old man see you doing the right thing. Then I truly will not have died in vain. (He disappears in a cloud of smoke) [SCENE_BREAK] [Past. Enchanted Forest] [SCENE_BREAK] (Evil Queen is now sat at her dressing table, her father still in the box, when Cora enters and is walking towards her) Cora: Where's your father run off to? I still owe him a thank you for spoiling your birthday surprise. Evil Queen: (Stands up, picks up the box and walks over to Cora) I've already dealt with him. Say hello to Daddy. (Opens the box) Cora: (Peers inside the box and gasps) You've impressed me, sweetheart. Evil Queen: (Shuts the lid) You know... Daddy may have been wrong to ruin my revenge, but he was right about you. Cora: When are you going to get it in that thick head that I do everything for you Especially the things you can't do... like Snow's heart. How long have you been trying to get it? Because it only took me a day. Evil Queen: And it only took you an hour to lose it. When I get my revenge, it will be my victory. You won't be around to steal it away. Cora: You don't have the power to push me back to Wonderland. Evil Queen: I don't need it. There's someone who'd be happy to lend a hand. Magic Mirror: (Appears in the mirror) Hello again, Cora. Ready for your trip? (Magically arms suddenly come out of the mirror and grab Cora around the waist, attempting to drag her back to Wonderland) Cora: (Struggles against them) Don't do this! Evil Queen: It's done. I've already cast a spell to seal this portal once you're through. Not even I can reopen it. And you'll be out of my life forever. Cora: Without me, you'll fail. And even worse, you'll be alone. Evil Queen: Better alone than with you. Cora: You think you're better alone? Let's see how you really feel. (Uses her magic to transport the box into her hands) Evil Queen: (Gasps and begins to run forward to grab it back, but Cora is sucked through the mirror before she can) No! Daddy! (Grunts angrily) Magic Mirror: Well... you always have me. [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (They are back in the fiery cave, and the Valet is in the same place as Blacktooth was earlier. Cora is watching on. Regina the runs in with Henry) Regina: Let him go, Mother. Cora: You should be on that boat. Regina: I can't turn my back on those I love. Cora: I know that seems like the right choice, but life doesn't work that way. I implore you, leave this place. Valet: No, Regina. Stay here. Help your friends. She's trying to bait you. Regina: I didn't come back just to help my friends. I came back to help everyone. Cora: That's not possible. You have to trust me. Regina: Let him go. Cora:Oh, please listen to reason. Listen to me. Either way, my time in the Underworld is done. Yours can be, too. Just do what I say. Regina: Henry, stand back. Cora: Please don't force my hand. I don't want to do this. Regina: Then don't. Cora: I'm sorry. (Cora uses her magic to command the fire to surround the Valet. Regina rushes forward, but is blocked by a barrier of fire) Regina: No! (Turns back to face Cora) Cora: One day, you'll understand. (Magics herself away) Regina: (Turns back to the Valet) Daddy! (Crying) I'm so sorry. (The fire stops surrounding the Valet) Regina: Daddy? Valet: Stop. Stay there. I'm okay. (The walkway complete's itself so that the Valet can cross to the other side, into heaven) Regina: What's happening? Valet: I don't know. There's... something down here. It's so... it's beautiful. It's where I belong. (Turns back to face Regina and walks towards her) I know what my unfinished business was now. It was you. Regina: Me? Valet: For so long, I let your mother get in the way of who you really are. It was the biggest regret of my life. But now... you're free of her. And I've never been more proud. Regina: (Sobs) Henry: (Steps forward) Hi. Valet: Is that... Regina: This is your grandson... Henry. Henry: Thank you, Grandpa... for believing in her like I do. Valet: Thank you, Henry... for being there when I couldn't. You take good care of her. (Looks back at the entrance to heaven) It's time for me to go. Regina: Daddy, no. Valet: I love you, Regina. Never forget... who you really are. Regina: Okay. (The Valet turns and crosses the bridge into heaven. Regina is still crying) [SCENE_BREAK] [Present. Underworld] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Henry make their way towards the fallen clock tower, where Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Robin and Mr Gold are waiting. It's night time now) Mary Margaret: Tell me your father's okay. Regina: He's better than okay. Henry: He's in a better place now. Mary Margaret: Wait. That means everyone here... David: Can be saved. Regina: Every soul in this town has unfinished business. And chances are, for a lot of them, we're that business. Mr Gold: You've all deluded yourself if you think these people are worth your time. They're not the dearly departed. They are dead, wretched souls, and I want no part of it. Emma: What you want doesn't matter. I wasn't bluffing... I'm happy to tell Belle about your return to Dark One-ness. Mr Gold: Our agreement was to find your pirate and get the hell out of here. If you want to distract yourself with this other asinine pursuit, be my guest. I'm out. (Walks away and leaves the group standing there) Henry: So... who's ready for "Operation Firebird"? Regina: (Laughs) Is that what we're calling it? Emma: You referring to the mythological bird or the muscle car? (Wraps her arm around Henry's shoulder before leading him away) (The others follow, and Regina stops to watch the clock for a few moments. The clock ticks and she smiles, before following the others. The group are unaware that Cora had been watching them, who then enters the library. Inside the library, she walks to the elevator, before getting in and using her magic for it to send her underground. Once at the bottom, she walks through a tunnel before coming out into a private lounge area with music playing. Hades is sat drinking wine and someone is cleaning his feet.) Hades: Mm. (Chuckles) Did you hear that, Cora? Cora: The music? Yes. But I've never been very fond of the violin. Hades: (Chuckles) I wouldn't expect a miller's daughter to appreciate a virtuoso like Paganini, but, no, I didn't mean the music. I was talking about the clock. Did you hear that little tick up there? It was the sound of your incompetence. Cora: Why do you want my daughter gone? What threat could she pose to you? Hades: Ah. Tick, tick, tick. You see, each clock tick means a soul has left my domain. Do I look like I like to lose anything? Cora: I did what you asked. I didn't want to. I... I jeopardized my relationship with her. Hades: Yes, because you thought you could get her to do what I wanted, which you couldn't. If it makes you feel any better (Chuckles) she's going to regret her decision. Cora:Don't threaten her. Or me. Now... I want what I was promised. Hades: Ah. Really, Cora. I'm surprised you care so much about Regina... especially after what you did to your other daughter. Cora: How do you know about Zelena? Hades: Oh, I know about everything. Including why you gave her up. All so you could claw your way out of a miserable peasant life. Which (Chuckles) suggests the perfect punishment. (He chimes his glass and turns Cora back into the Millers Daughter) Look at that. A miller's daughter once again. Hurry now, Cora. You... you have flour to deliver. That's what they do at mills, isn't it? I never paid much attention. It seems like such dull work. Cora: No. No, you... promised you'd save us. Just... Hades: And you promised not to fail. (Stands up) Something to think about for eternity. Bye. (Cora sobs, before beginning to push the heavy wheel barrow full of flour. Hades watches with an amused look upon his face, before his hair turns into blue flames)

The heroes arrive in the Underworld, which bears a striking resemblance to Storybrooke. Here, souls with unfinished business live, including Peter Pan and Cora. Cora offers Regina a way out, telling her she has one hour to leave on the ferry with Henry and Robin. Regina finds the soul of her father, whom Cora has threatened to send to a deeper layer of hell if she does not leave soon. When Regina's father tells her she has come too far to betray her friends now, Cora attempts to banish him. However, as Regina has chosen to stay, Cora's attempts are ineffective, as seeing his daughter choose to stay a hero resolved his unfinished business. With his soul at peace, he is accepted into "a better place" and departs the Underworld after saying goodbye to Regina and Henry. The heroes realize they could potentially rescue all the souls here and continue their quest to find Hook with this in mind. Cora meets with the ruler of the Underworld, Hades, who wishes the heroes gone. He punishes Cora for her failure with an eternity as a miller's daughter once again. Flashbacks show Regina celebrating her birthday with a surprising visit from her mother, Cora.

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[Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's talking into a tape recorder. A client is there with her.] Prue: Painting of a gothic castle, artist unknown, circa 1920s, oil on canvas, 20x28. Miss Franklin, where did you say you got this? Miss Franklin: Oh, I... I inherited it. A few months ago but it's been in my family for generations. Prue: The composition is so unusual. The artists used pure colors, straight from the tube and then varnished each layer over and ... Miss Franklin: Uh, I'm sorry for interrupting. But do I really need to be here. Prue: No, of course not. It's just that most people prefer to be at an appraisal, especially when they on selling the piece. Miss Franklin: It's just, I'm kind of in a hurry. Prue: Say no more. Just sign at the bottom and you're free to go. Miss Franklin: Thankyou. (She signs it.) So, how long do you think it will take to sell it? Prue: Well, I'll need to see ownership records before I can do anything. Miss Franklin: I'll send you everything I have. So, is that all, then? Prue: Uh, no, since you definitely want to sell the piece, I'll need to confirm its authenticity, its physical condition, so if you'll just sign at the bottom, that will let us go ahead and X-ray the piece. Miss Franklin: Done. (She signs it.) Anything else? Prue: Uh, well, yes, Miss Franklin, I would really like the time to research this. That way I can get you the best price. Miss Franklin: Look, I... I appreciate your professionalism... I really do, but I'm not interested in getting the best price... I just want you to sell that painting, as soon as you can, right? Good night, Miss Halliwell. (They shake hands.) Prue: Good night. (Miss Franklin leaves.) [Scene: Piper is in the club and Phoebe is in Web San Francisco. Phoebe and Piper are on the phone.] Phoebe: Piper it was an accident. It's not like I borrowed Prue's car, so I could drive it into a pole. Piper: How bad's the damage? Phoebe: Not bad but maybe expensive. Which is why I need a favor. Piper: If you're calling to borrow money, I don't have any. Phoebe: No, it's not about money. It's just I don't want you to tell Prue. She's been so supportive and I don't want to lose her trust again. Piper: You mean, you haven't told her? Phoebe: Well, not yet. But I-I have a plan. Piper: Phoebe, you have to tell her. It's her car and you don't have money to fix it. Phoebe: But I will have the money to fix it. I'm at this company called Web San Francisco, it's an interactive network on the internet, and I faxed them my résumé this morning, and they want to meet with me, tonight. Piper: I've got to go, but Phoebe, I don't want to be in the middle of this, just tell her, okay? Phoebe: If I don't get the job, I will tell her. (They hang up the phone. Phoebe sees a room with a lot of people trying the job.) Phoebe: Hello, I'm Phoebe Halliwell. I have an appointment. (the secretary hands her an aptitude test) thanks. All these people... they're here for the interview, too, aren't they? Secretary: Well, you won't have any trouble with this if you figured that out. It's an aptitude test. You can finish it at home. Phoebe: Great. Great. (Phoebe sits down and hears two people talking.) Applicant #1: So, you won a fellowship from the National Science Foundation. Applicant #2 When I was at Harvard, yeah. How'd you know? Applicant #1: Saw it on your résumé. I was cum laude also, except I was a Ford Foundation Scholar. Applicant #2: So, then, you must have gone to... Stanford? Secretary: Stanford? I went to Stanford. Applicant #3: (to Phoebe) Intimidating, isn't it? Phoebe: The Good Will Hunting or this aptitude test? Applicant #3: Who cares about linear algebra or differential. And that test is a snap. I mean, in this day and age, who can't write in the HTML numeric languages, right? Phoebe: Right. (laughing nervously) Yeah. That's for you. (Phoebe leaves.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Prue sees a light in the painting.] Prue: What? (She gets a magnifying glass and looks closer at the painting. She sees a man and a fireball.) Ooh! Opening Credits [Scene: Halliwell manor. Kitchen.] Prue: At first I just thought that it was a reflection off of something in the room but then when I moved closer, I saw a man... inside the painting... in the castle. Right, but the moment I saw him, he backed away from the window, and then there was this... strange glow that went past the window.. it was so... (She looks at Piper who is looking some papers.) Piper! Piper: What? Prue: We were talking? Piper: I know. About a man in a painting.. listen to this one. "Hallway near club entrance too narrow"? Prue: I thought that we had discussed your code violations. Piper: Well, I keep finding more. The plumbing, the electrical, the heating, it... none of it is up code. Prue: Stop. You're obsessing. Piper: Well, it runs in the family. Prue: I don't obsess. I think... intensely... anyway, I can't really help it. I mean, we've seen so many bizarre things, why not a man in a painting. Piper: Well, at least he's safe from Building Inspector. I can't imagine that castle's up to code. Phoebe: I'm sorry but I couldn't find anything in the Book of Shadows about people who may be trapped inside painting. I looked everywhere. Piper: Hey, You were asleep by the time I got home. How did your interview do? Phoebe: It went fine. Uh, actually, it's still going. I have to finish this take-home aptitude test which I actually think I will start right now. So I will see you guys later. (Piper gives her "the look".) Prue: Uh, Phoebe? Phoebe: What? Prue: Aren't you forgetting something? My car keys? Phoebe: They'd be with your car... which is at the body shop having an estimate. Prue: An estimate? (Piper pretends to be reading her code violations.) Phoebe: Yeah, uh, I... bumped... No, actually I backed your car into a pole last night. Prue: (smiling) A pole? You hit a pole? Phoebe: Yeah, you don't even have to say it. I know what you're thinking. How could I be so irresponsible? How could I be so stupid? Prue: Okay, irresponsible, yes. Stupid, no way. Where's that coming from? Phoebe: It's coming from the fact that I'm the youngest sister, the one who always makes mistakes... (Prue looks at Piper) The one who always causes problems. I mean, if anybody were gonna back your car into a pole and not tell you right away, it'd be me, right? (Prue looks at her, tenderly.) Piper: I think I'll just be going now. Phoebe: See? Even the middle sister. The one that's supposed to stay neutral when it comes to family checks out on this one. Piper: Yes, you're right. You're on your own. Prue: Well, leave me out of it, too. I don't want to argue with you. I just want to find a cab. Phoebe: Well, whatever it costs, I will pay for the damages... and whatever the cab costs, I will pay for that too. (Phoebe leaves.) Prue: (laughing) Uh, what just happened here? Piper: I don't know anything about anything. Prue: Piper! Just forget about the car. What about the man in the painting? Piper: Well, unless he's real and screaming for help, forget about him. We shouldn't go looking for trouble. We have enough around here. I'm going next door. [Cut to outside Dan's house. Piper picks up his paper off the stairs. Dan opens the door before she can knock.] Piper: Dan! Dan: Good Morning! Piper: I'm sorry to bother you. Dan: No, you're not bothering me. Unless you refuse to hand over my paper. (She hands it to him.) Piper: Oh, uh, all yours. Dan: Thanks. Uh, you wanna... come in? Piper: No, no really, I just stopped by to ask a quick favour. My club received a visit from a D.B.I. last night. Dan: And you've got code violations. Piper: I have the war and peace of code violations. (Piper hands him the code violations.) Dan: And you were thinking, what? Neighbor Dan, he's in construction, maybe he could help, huh? Piper: Of course I'll pay you... something. Jenny: Uncle D., I'm late. Hey, Piper. Piper: Hi Jenny. Jenny: See you later, Uncle Dan. And don't forget your promise. (Jenny leaves.) Dan: Ok, then, um, I'll tell you what I can do. I'll check out the code violations. See how serious they really are. If you'll help me with the promise I made Jenny. Piper: Deal. Wait... Uh, what's the promise? Dan: She needs help with a paper. It's for her Bio class, you know, something about within the human reproductive system... Piper: Oh, ha... you mean, s*x... Dan: It's just way to awkward for me to talk to my niece about. Piper: Yeah, ha... sure, not to worry. I have plenty of experience. Dan: Really... with with s*x? Piper: No... I mean, uh... talking about it. (Dan laughs. Smiling nervous.) Yeah! [Scene: Bucklands.] Miss Franklin: So, uh, was there a problem with any of the ownership records that I sent over? Prue: No, uh... everything's in order. Miss Franklin: Then I'm not sure why you wanted meet with me. Prue: Look. Ms. Franklin, I know that you don't really want to be here, so I'll be perfectly honest. There's something... strange about that painting Miss Franklin: Have you seen him? Prue: Him? Miss Franklin: That's how it all starts, you know? Prue: What do you mean? Miss Franklin: At first, you see him. The man inside the painting. At least, you think you see him. But he just... he disappears so fast. And you start to think about it. But it does't make any sense. I mean, how could a man be inside a painting? Then you see him again. This time longer. And now you're sure. Prue: So, you think that the painting is haunted by a ghost? Miss Franklin: Oh, no no. I think he's definitely alive. I think he's trapped inside. Prue: Do you know who he is? Miss Franklin: No, I have no idea. Nobody does. Look, all I know is if I don't get rid of that painting, I'm gonna end up just like everybody else in my family who's ever owned it,. I'm gonna be completely insane. Prue: Ms. Franklin. Miss Franklin: No, you've only seen the beginning, Ms. Halliwell. Just trust me when I tell you. It's only gonna get worse. (She leaves.) [Scene: Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe is writing a spell.] Phoebe: "Spirits... send... the.. words... from all..." (Piper knocks the door) Piper: It's me. Can I come in? Phoebe: Uh, Piper, I really just wanna be alone right now. Piper: I won't stay long, I promise. Phoebe: All right, just give me a sec. (she hides the Book of Shadows) ok, you can come in now? (Piper opens the door) Piper: I just wanted to tell you, uh... the body shop called Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I heard the message. 1200 bucks Piper: Did you tell Prue? Phoebe: I didn't have to. She already knew. She called the body shop herself. That's why I have got to get this job, Piper. It's the only way I can pay for the damages. It's the only way that I can make things right. Piper: All the more reason you should've told her. Phoebe: (upset) Okay, well. Maybe a smarter person would have figured that out. Than again a smart person wouldn't of backed a car into a pole. A smart person would have realized that it was a $1200 pole. That's because smart people don't do stupid things, only stupid people do. Piper: Phoebe, I didn't mean to upset you. Phoebe: I know. Maybe we should just talk later. Piper: Ok. You're sure you're gonna be ok? Phoebe: Yeah, why? Piper: Phoebe, I know you think getting this job is the answer, but please just don't do anything... Phoebe: What? Stupid? Piper: No... just don't do anything I wouldn't do. Phoebe: Don't worry. I won't. (Piper leaves the room) You would never cast a smart spell. (Reading quick the spell) 24 hours, from 7 to 7, I will understand... all meaning... from here... to heaven. (casting the spell) "Spirits, send the words from all across the land. Allow me to absorb them through the touch of either hand. For 24 hours, from 7 to 7, I will understand all meaning of the words, from here to heaven... Oh, and P.S. there will be no personal gain. (Phoebe put a dictionary on the bed and starts to absorb the words.) "Abaca: Stronger fiber obtained from a banana leaf. Zygote: A cell formed by the union of two gametes"... Cool! [Scene: Bucklands.] Prue: Hey, Joe. That was fast. Joe: No line at the X-Ray machine. Prue: So, did the X-Ray confirm its authenticity? Joe: It did a lot more than that. Check out the X-Ray. It's got definitive underwriting on the canvas. Prue: It has a pentimento? Joe: Yeah, I couldn't believe it either. But you can see it on the X-Ray. The text is in Latin. I've never seen anything like it before. Prue: "Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis" to free what is lost say these words. Joe: Wow... You speak Latin? Prue: Yes. Good night, Joe. Joe: Okay, well, uh, why don't I just return the painting to the vault... say tomorrow? Prue: Good idea. Joe: Okay. (Joe leaves. Prue moves closer to the painting and sees the word 'HELP' written on a window.) Prue: HELP... okay... "SEMPER MEA" Mine forever. (Prue cast the whole spell.) "Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis Semper Mea" (She gets sucked into the painting.) Oh, no. Oh! [Cut to inside the castle. Prue falls on the floor.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Castle.] Prue: Who's there? (A big fireball flies across the room. Prue ducks.) Malcolm: Quick! Follow me! Prue: What? Malcolm: This way. Ladies first. I see you read Latin too. Prue: What has happened? Where am I? Malcolm: Virden Castle. Prue: Where is that? Malcolm: Inside the painting Prue: I'm trapped inside the painting? Malcolm: Yes and if you don't get to that bookcase, you're dead. Prue: Who are you? Malcolm: My name's Malcolm and you were supposed to help me, not join me. Who are you, anyway? Prue: Oh, my name's Prue and I was helping you. You were supposed to come out. Malcolm: Great. Now we're both trapped. Hurry. (They run to the bookcase. A fireball heads for them but Prue moves it with her powers.) Malcolm: What the hell? What are you? How'd you do that? Prue: Oh, never mind. We're gonna get killed. Will you hurry up? (Malcolm opens the bookcase. They go inside.) [Scene: Halliwell manor. Kitchen. It's morning.] Piper: Hi Phoebe. You're up early. What's up? Phoebe: Oh, the Dow Jones, housing prices and space shuttle discovery. Piper: Huh? Phoebe: Read the paper. Piper: Oh. Uh, have you seen Prue this morning? Phoebe: Not yet. Oh, uh, Dan just called. Said he'd meet you at the club at noon. Piper: Okay, uh, did you hear her come in last night? Phoebe: Nope. Piper: This is really... strange. Cat hasn't been fed. No coffee's been made. And Prue definitely didn't pack a lunch. Phoebe: Maybe she's still asleep. Piper: No, I checked her room. Her bed hasn't been slept in. Phoebe: Maybe she didn't come home from the office last night. (Piper is on the phone) Piper: No, it's her voice mail. What if Prue's right about the painting? What if something's happened? Phoebe: First off, 63% of all adults believed to be missing show up within 24 hours. An auto accident is unlikey 1.2% even less likely for work related accident. Factor in her good health, a life expectancy of 78.5 years, add her defensive powers of telekinesis, and we are looking at the odds of... less than 4.1%... No, actually make less than 3.3%. I forgot that the Book of Shadows had zip on evil artwork Piper: What's wrong with you? Phoebe: Nothing Piper: No, you're like "ask rainman.com". You haven't been in the Book of Shadows, have you? Phoebe: No, why would I do that? Piper: All right, I don't have time for this. Uh, I'm gonna go to Bucklands. Phoebe: What about Dan? You're supposed to meet him at the club Piper: Damn it. Phoebe: Do you like him? Is that the vibe that I'm getting right now? Piper: No. Don't be ridiculous. Phoebe: Mmm. Piper: Just do me a favor and go in my place. And then you can give me all the details later. Phoebe: Like what he was wearing? (Piper is leaving.) Piper: No! [Scene: Castle. In the bookcase.] Prue: You can't just stand there another 12 hours and not let me help you. You're hurt. Malcolm: Stay where you are. I hate witches. Prue: How many times do I have to tell you that I'm a good witch? Although, if you make me say that again, I just may hurt you. Look, I was trying to save you. Malcolm: Well, you did a great job. Prue: The last thing that I expected was to get stuck here. Malcolm: So I guess your powers can't get us out then, huh? Prue: No. I can't just lift us from another world. So, if we're gonna get out we're gonna have to work together. Just let me help you. I won't turn you into a toad. I promise. Thank you. May I? (She looks at his wound.) Doesn't look too bad. At least the bleeding is... Malcolm: Ouch! Prue: So, why do you hate witches so much. Malcolm: It's how I got trapped in here. The artist that painted this was a witch. She was my girlfriend. Prue: You dated a witch? Malcolm: What, you've never dated a mortal? Prue: Huh, I wonder... Malcolm: Ow! Prue: Ah, sorry. Go on! Malcolm: Fine. Nell and I... we broke up. She wrote a curse in Latin. Prue: To free what is lost. Malcolm: Right. And she painted the castle over it, made sure I got the painting. It was the only way she could trick me and trap me inside. It worked. Prue: So how did you see the underwriting? Malcolm: Same way as you, probably? Prue: X-Ray... you must have really of pissed Nell off. Malcolm: Well, that would explain why I haven't aged since I got here and the fireballs. Prue: How long have you been running from them? Malcolm: What year is it? Prue: 1999. Malcolm: It's been 70 years. Prue: Oh, wait a second. You've been stuck here trying to get help for 70 years. Malcolm: It's not the typical life of an art historian, isn't it? Prue: Well, I won't be here that long. I mean, I have 2 sisters and we all have powers. If anybody can find a way out, it's us. [Scene: P3. Phoebe is there with Dan.] Phoebe: Dan, sorry to keep you waiting Dan: I didn't realize you were late. Phoebe: Oh, 11 minutes, 23.4 seconds to be exact. Those the code violations? Dan: That and the D.B.I.s book of minimum safety requirements. Phoebe: Ok, then we're all set. I think you'll find me pretty knowledgeable about all areas of construction. Dan: What about Piper? Phoebe: Oh, something came up. She can't be here. Sorry buddy. Dan: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Bucklands. Piper walks in Prue's office.] Piper: Prue? (She sees Prue's purse and then the X-ray.) Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis. (Joe enters.) Joe: Oh, hey Piper. Joe Lyons. We met at a wine auction a few months ago. Piper: Oh... Joe: Uh, Prue around? Piper: Uh, she's... she's somewhere. Joe: Ah, I won't get in your way. I just need to pick up the painting Piper: Oh, forgive me, Joe. Joe: For what? (She freezes him.) Piper: For that. [Cut to the castle.] Malcolm: That's your plan? Are you outta your mind? Prue: My sisters are gonna realize I'm missing, soon. I have to let them know where I am and warn them. Malcolm: It's too dangerous. You'll die. Prue: I don't have any another choice. Alright, my sisters could make the same mistake I did and get suck into the painting. Ok, corner, now. Malcolm: And how will seeing your name... Prue: And the name Nell.. Malcolm: Yes, written on a window, prevent that from happening? Prue: Ok, because my sisters will think that it's a clue, so they'll look up the name Nell in our Book of Shadows and hopefully they'll find a solution. Are you ready? Go! Ok, tell me how you write HELP on the window without getting creamed by the fireball Malcolm: You mean you don't know how you're gonna do it? Prue: You're the expert Malcolm: Are you crazy? It took me years to get those messages written on the window. I've got the scars to prove it. What about your powers? Prue: All right, fine. I'll deflect the fireballs. You write the names Malcolm: Be careful near the window Prue: Why? What's wrong with the window? (We see Piper carrying the painting and the castle starts to shake.) Oh, okay... what's happening? Malcolm: The painting. It's being moved. And it's moving fast. Get back to the chamber. Prue: No way. I'm going to that window. Malcolm: It's too dangerous. We gotta to get out of here. [Cut to Piper. She's carrying the painting to the elevator.] Piper: Hold the elevator, please. [Cut to the castle. Prue and Malcolm hide under a table.] Prue: I really just wanted to get my name and Nell's on that window. Malcolm: And you can, as soon as the painting stops moving. Just stay low. (Malcolm stares at her.) Prue: What? Malcolm: Nothing. I was... never mind. Prue: No, what? Malcolm: I always hoped someone would get my SOS. I just never thought it would be a woman. Prue: What, a woman can't rescue a man? Malcolm: I'm still waiting. Prue: Yeah, well, keep waiting, pal. Bookcase! (They run into the bookcase.) [Scene: Manor. Phoebe is watching TV and is on the phone.] Phoebe: Hello, this is Phoebe Halliwell. I'd like to set up an appointment to return my aptitude test. (Piper comes in.) By 5 tomorrow? Great. Bye (to Piper) Oh, Piper. Good news. I spoke Dan. He will have your estimate ready by tomorrow. Piper: We got bigger problems than code violations Phoebe: Prue wasn't at Bucklands? Piper: No, but it was clearly the last place she was before she disappeared. I take it you haven't heard from her? Phoebe: Not a word. Okay, now I'm worried. Piper: Check out this X-Ray. I found at her office. I think it may have something to do with her disappearing. (Phoebe is looking at the TV Show) We don't have a lot of time, either. It won't be long before everyone at Bucklands realizes that she's gone and the painting is gone. Phoebe: Oh, the final match. Tv Host: Primarily concerned with blood and blood-forming organs. Phoebe: Hematology. Guy: Hematology Tv Host: Yes. Oona Chaplin, the wife of Charles Chaplin, was the daughter of what famous? Phoebe: Eugene O'Neil. Tv Host: American playwright. Guy: O'Neil. Tv Host: What country now occupies the Peninsula once known as Asia Minor? Phoebe: Turkey. Guy: Uh... Turkey. (Piper turns the TV off.) Piper: How is that you know all the answers? Phoebe: What? I could know about medicine, Americans playwrights and that Asia Minor is now called Turkey. Piper: No, you couldn't... you have cast a spell, haven't you? Phoebe: I wanted to be able to get Prue's car fixed and this job was the only way that I could do it. Piper: Phoebe, what kind of spell? Phoebe: All I had to do was ace an aptitude test which, by the way, I'm sure I have. Piper: Phoebe? Phoebe: Okay. It's a smart spell. And before you freak out, it's out temporary. It'll be over by 7 o'clock tonight. Piper: It doesn't matter when it ends. We're not allowed to cast personal gain spells. You know that. Phoebe: Yeah. I do know that. But it's not. I even put that in myself. "no personal gain". Piper: There will be consequences. There always are. Phoebe: I don't care. It's worth it. Piper you were not at that job interview surrounded by those college graduates. You don't know how good it feels to be really smart. Smart people are respected, taken seriously. And really smart women? Forget about it! Then again, you probably do know what I'm talking about. You have a 4-years degree. Piper: So, what? Phoebe, I will never have the kind of smarts you have no matters what I do. But you... you can go back to collage. Say you did get this job. What would happen to it the moment your smart spell ended? Phoebe: I thought I'd worry about that later. (Phoebe's going upstairs.) Piper: Wait. What does this mean? "Absolvo Amitto Amplus Brevis Semper Mea". (She starts to get sucked into the painting.) Phoebe. Help! Phoebe: Piper, no! Piper: Phoebeeeee. Phoebe: Piper? [Cut to the castle.] Piper: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (A fireball flies past her.) Prue: Piper? Piper: What the hell is happening? Where are we? Prue: All right, hurry. Just get to the bookcase fast. Piper: Whahhhhhhh! Prue: Watch out. Piper: Uhh! (Piper freezes a fireball) Whoa! Whoa! Wow! (They run into the bookcase) Malcolm: Don't tell me she's the sister witch who was gonna save us. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: In the castle.] Piper: I don't want to live forever. I don't want to spend the rest of my time trapped in a painting, hanging on some wall, wearing a broken shoe. Prue: Well, neither do I but there is a solution. Piper: You call that a solution? Braving endless fireballs to get a message to Phoebe? Prue: Okay, so, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the situation is pretty bad. Piper: No. But it may just take a rocket scientist to get us out of here. Phoebe. Malcolm: Another witch sister? Piper: Not any witch. A super witch. She's a genius. Prue: Piper, I don't really think that you're helping the situation. Piper: No, I mean it. She's a walking brain trust. An Einstein with cleavage. She cast a spell on herself, Prue. A smart spell. Prue: What? Malcolm: Can she save us? Piper: Forget the details, Prue. Just know that if anybody can get us out of here, it's Phoebe. We need to get back to that living room, get Nell's name on the window... Prue: Piper, wait. Piper: No no no no no. We can't wait. It's only temporary. The spell ends at 7 tonight. Prue: Ooh! [Scene: Manor. 6:15pm. Phoebe carry's the Book of Shadows downstairs.] Phoebe: Come on. Come on. There's got to be something. (Doorbell rings) Who is it? Jenny: It's Jenny. Phoebe: Uh ... unless it's a huge 911, sweetie, you're gonna have to come back later. (Doorbell rings again and Phoebe hides the book.) [Scene: Castle.] Piper: If we get out of here alive, you own me a new pair of shoes. Prue: If we get out of here alive, I'll buy you a purse to match. Piper, left. (Piper freezes a fireball.) Piper: Forget the shoes. The next time you get a supernatural SOS. Prue: I'll take your advice and just ignore it. Malcolm: Be careful near the window. Prue: What's wrong with the window? (Some blades appear when Piper get closer the window.) Piper: Wha! Whaaa! Blades! Prue: Are you okay? Piper: Uh, for now. But I can't reach the window because if I lean forward, I'm sliced and diced. (Prue used her power to let Piper reaches the window) Prue: Okay, Piper. Hurry! (Piper is writing NELL on the window.) Don't forget to write her name backwards. So Phoebe can read from outside. Come on. (Prue moves a frozen fireball in front of the window.) Piper: Good thing she had a short name. (They run into the bookcase.) Let's go, let's go, let's go. [Cut to the manor.] Phoebe: The human reproductive system? Wait, and your uncle wanted Piper to help you out with this? Jenny: Yeah, but I was too embarrassed to tell him I already know about s*x. So I figure we can just hang out and watch some television. (Jenny sees the light on the painting.) Hey, what's that? Phoebe: Uh, Jenny, will you go in there and grab me a pen, please? (She does so. Phoebe gets a magnifying glass and looks at the painting.) Nell? (Jenny comes back in.) Jenny: Is something wrong? Phoebe: Uh, I'm not sure (writing something) okay. The 23 chromosomes that make up the human genome system within the cell ... (Jenny looks at her.) It's too complicated. (She starts to draw something.) Okey-Dokey. You're all set. Jenny: But ... Phoebe: Bye Jenny. (Jenny leaves. Phoebe holds her hands above the book and the pages turn by themselves.) Nell, Nell, find me Nell. Whoa! I am one super smart witch. Okay, what do we have here? Latin. "In the 1920s a witch named Nell tricked a powerful warlock into a painting with a hidden spell that only his power of X-Ray vision could see." Okay, I'm getting tired of talking to myself. How do I get my sisters out? Oh! "VERVA OMNES LIBERANT". Words free us all. "These words will free anyone trapped inside the painting" okay. But how do I get the words inside without getting trapped inside the painting MYSELF? (She sees kit.) Kit: Meow. Phoebe: No, I couldn't. [Cut to the castle.] Prue: So, maybe we should take shifts waiting for Phoebe outside the bookcase. I mean, we've been pretty safe there so far. Malcolm: I'll take the first shift. Prue: I had a feeling you would. (Malcolm leaves the bookcase) Piper: What? What is it? What's wrong? Prue: I've been thinking about that witch who cursed Malcolm into the painting. It takes a lot of time and a high level of magic to create this world. Seems like an awfully big spell just to get revenge over a bad breakup. Piper: I agree. Prue: And it was almost impossible for us, the Charmed Ones no less, to get that message on the window. Yet Malcolm, an art historian with absolutely no powers, who was able to escape fireballs and those blades, to get his message on the window. I mean, I don't know Piper. It's just... something weird about all of this. (They hear a noise and a cat.) Malcolm: Here kitty kitty. (Kit hisses at him.) Here kitty kitty. What do we have here? (He sees the message on Kit's collar.) Piper: It is Kit. Prue: What is she doing here? Piper: Prue, look. Malcolm: "VERVA OMNES"... Prue: Piper, freeze him. (She tries to freeze him but he blinks before she could.) Malcolm: You're too late. But you were right. Your sister Phoebe's one smart witch. Blinking allow me to be one place, one moment, and another the next Prue: Piper, look out (Piper freezes a fireball.) Malcolm: "LIBERANT" (He disappears) Prue: I thought he was an innocent. I thought he needed help. Piper: I'm not talking to you... forever [Cut to the manor. Malcolm appears in living room.] Malcolm: Thanks for freeing me, witch. 70 years is a long time Phoebe: 70 years? You're a warlock, aren't you? Malcolm: Your sisters were right. You are a smart witch. Phoebe: Where are they? Malcolm: With the cat. The one with no collar. That was interesting... that was smart. Too smart for your own good. Phoebe: So, that woman who brought Prue the painting... she's a warlock too? Malcolm: Jane's my lover. She's been trying to get me out for years. She needed to find the Charmed Ones, you. It took her 70 years to do that. Phoebe: We haven't been around that long. (she kicks him) Phoebe: I read "jeet-kune-do" manual earlier today. I think that makes me a black belt. (he blinks and appears behind her... she kicks him again) Actually, make that a seventh degree black belt. I'm a master. Malcolm: Not for long. You're not. We'll see how powerful you are, how smart you are when your spell ends at 7. Phoebe: How do you know about that? Malcolm: Tick Tock, Phoebe. Tick Tock. (He blinks and appears outside the house. Then meets Jane.) Jane or Miss Franklin: Malcolm. Malcolm: Jane. (They kiss.) Jane: I thought I'd never seen you again. Come on. Let's get out of here. Malcolm: Not yet. Not yet. I have a little present for you. Jane: Oh, you do? Where is it? Malcolm: It's inside the house... Something you've always wanted. Jane: And what would that be? Malcolm: The power of Premonition. Jane: And what would you get? Malcolm: Revenge... and 2 more powers. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Castle.] Prue: Even if Phoebe is alive, she may not be for long. Phoebe: Maybe she can figure out a way to save herself before he finds her. Prue: Yeah, well, she better do it quick, it's almost 7. Although if anybody can do it, Phoebe can. Piper: Yeah, even without the smart spell. I mean, putting that message on Kit's collar, that's very Phoebe. I would've never thought of it. Prue: Neither would I. It was a great plan. Piper: If we get out of here, I'm gonna buy here a new pair of shoes. Prue: I'll buy her a purse to match. [Cut to the manor.] Phoebe: The spell... 3 words in Latin... the question is... which 3? (7 o'clock) Phoebe: Oh, no. (She holds her hands above the book but the pages won't flip.) Come on come on... they're on the tip of my tongue. Uh ... "Verve omnes" something... "Verve omnes... liber... liber... liberace!" No, it can't be liberace ... (She finds the page.) Oh, oh no. It's in Latin... the spell is over and I don't understand Latin anymore. (Malcolm blinks inside the house.) Malcolm: I told you I'd be back. (He opens the door for Jane.) Jane: Hello, Phoebe. Say goodbye to your family. (Jane strikes a match and sets the painting on fire.) Phoebe: No! ABSOLVO AMITTO AMPLUS BREVIS. Malcolm: The curse. Phoebe: SEMPER ME. (The three of them get sucked into the painting.) [Castle.] Piper: The house is on fire? Prue: Not the house, the painting... it's gotta be Malcolm's doing. He must be at the Manor (Phoebe appears.) Piper: Phoebe, you're alive! Phoebe: Yeah. Let's keep it that way. (Malcolm and Jane appears.) Prue: Malcolm ... and Jane. Phoebe: She's a warlock. Malcolm: Stupid witch. Now you and your sisters are gonna end up burning to death. Phoebe: Looking for this? (about the collar) Freeze them. (Piper freezes them.) Phoebe: Where's Kit? Prue: Uh ... Piper: There she is. There she is. Prue: I can't believe we almost forgot her. Phoebe: VERVE OMNES LIBERANT. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. They're putting out the fire with the fire extinguisher.] Prue: You know, I didn't want them to die. I just wanted them trapped in that house forever. Phoebe: Bright side? You won't have to worry about any complaints from the owner of the painting. Piper: And you'll never have to worry about anyone else getting a supernatural mayday from it. Phoebe:: Yeah, well, thanks for getting ours, Phoebe. (They look at each other.) Piper: Hey, how did you get the collar from Malcolm? Phoebe: Oh, I used the very complex, very different kind of smarts. Prue: You picked his pocket. Phoebe: I picked his pocket. Piper: Phoebe! Phoebe: What, he was a warlock... smartest thing I've ever done. [Scene: P3.] Piper: "A new heating and cooling system, retrofitting, imported prestressed I-Beams, architectural flooring". Your estimate requires a $¼ million and a crew of 75. I gotta tell you, Dan. I'm not feeling real guilty about not helping Jenny with that paper. Dan: Well, actually, those were Phoebe's suggestions. Piper: Phoebe?! Hah! Can you fix it cheap and fix it quick? Dan: In a couple of days, sure. Piper: Great. You're hired. You can take that with you (about the estimate) (we see Phoebe and Prue talking... Dan comes there) Dan: Hey Prue. Prue: Hi. Dan: Phoebe... Phoebe: Hey. Dan: You got a minute? Phoebe: Uh, yeah!. Is it about Piper? Dan: No, it's actually about Jenny's paper Phoebe: You know, I wasn't really myself that day. Is there a problem? (Dan hands Phoebe the paper.) Dan: No, it's not due till Friday. But I really appreciate your help...I think. Phoebe: Uh... Yeah, okay. (She hides the paper) Dan: I'd really appreciate if Jenny could do her own work in her handwriting using her own smarts... if you know what I mean. Phoebe: I certainly do! (He laughs and leaves.) All right... (to Prue) You don't wanna know. Prue: Uh huh! Phoebe: You know, this whole smart spell thing, it really just made me realize that there's a lot of cool information out there. Prue: I agree. Phoebe: And who knows? Maybe I'll go back to college, take some night classes. I'm a smart girl, I'll figure it out. Prue: Yes, you will. Just don't lose that common sense. We may need it to save the day again. (Piper comes in.) Piper: What are we talking about? Phoebe: Right now, the job that I will not be getting. (She rips up the aptitude test.) Piper: Smart move, Pheebs. Now, open your present. Phoebe: Oh! Wait... you guys got me shoes and a purse? Prue: Very smart looking, wouldn't say, Piper? Piper: Pure genius, Prue. Phoebe: Enough with that already. (Prue grabs Jenny's paper.) Prue: Okay, you wanna explain this? Phoebe: Okay.. Well, that's Piper Prue: Ooh, sure! Phoebe: And that's Dan. Prue: I see! Piper: That's not funny.

When Prue discovers a man trapped in a painting that was brought into the Auction House, she unwittingly gets trapped inside it with him when she casts a spell when trying to save him. As a result, Piper and Phoebe have to find a way to save Prue, especially after discovering the man may have been cast inside the painting by his warlock lover. After Piper ends up in the painting as well, Phoebe has to use her newfound smarts to save them and banish the warlocks inside the painting. Looking to bring her club up to code, Piper turns to Dan for help.

fd_Alias_05x06

fd_Alias_05x06_0

(INT. A HOUSE - NIGHT) A football game is being shown on television. Announcer: So, here we go. 3rd and 5. Williams drops back to pass... A girl is on the computer, talking to her friend on an Instant Messenger program. GIRL: Hey, Dad. Fiona wants to know if I can come over and study for awhile. Her father's eyes are glued to the football game. FATHER: Maybe tomorrow night, okay, kiddo? The girl turns back to computer. The rest of her family - her father, mother, and brother are in front of the television watching the game. A dark figure glides past, behind the sofa. The son notices something, but sees nothing behind him. MOTHER: Oh, I left another message. FATHER: Look, you know she's always traveling. I mean, where is she now, Europe? MOTHER: Yeah, but she usually calls. Suddenly, the electricity turns off in the house. FATHER: Oh, come - that's okay. I got it. (gets up from the sofa) It's probably just, you know, a circuit breaker or some - There is a crashing sound. Shadowy figures capture the family members in the darkness. MOTHER: Oh! SON: Hey! The electricity comes back on, but the room is empty. A framed photograph of Rachel Gibson sits on the fireplace mantle in the living room. (INT. SECURE FACILITY - DAY) The Gibson family waits in a small, empty room with only a simple table and a few chairs - the kind of room typically used for interrogations. The father paces the room. Rachel Gibson watches her family through a two-way mirror. Sydney is with her. RACHEL: (voice shaking) How much do they know? SYDNEY: Not much... that this is a government facility, that they're here for their own protection. RACHEL: I've ruined their lives. SYDNEY: That's not true. RACHEL: They can't go home. They can't go back to work. They can't even say good-bye to their friends. SYDNEY: Because it's not safe. You know that. There were taps on their phones. There was surveillance equipment. Witness protection is the best way to ensure their safety. RACHEL: They say I won't even be able to call them. How am I supposed to this alone? SYDNEY: You do it because you don't have a choice... because you want the world to be safe for the people you love. Rachel looks over at Sydney. SYDNEY: I know some people think I'm crazy, still working like this, but I can't go home and sit there and just - be pregnant. Not when the men who killed Vaughn are still out there. It's my responsibility to stop them... so this baby can be safe... so you can be with your family. Rachel nods. RACHEL: (smiling and tearing up) We're kind of a weird family. We actually like each other. (sniffs) SYDNEY: Then go in there and let them see you're okay. That's all they care about. Rachel looks over at Sydney with tears in her eyes and nods. RACHEL: Okay. The mother hears the door open and looks toward the door. MOTHER: (gasps) Oh, my God! Rachel! Rachel's mother rushes over to Rachel and hugs her. RACHEL: I wanted to call. I just - I couldn't. FATHER: We were worried something had happened to you. RACHEL: Something did happen, and that's why you're here. Oh, where do I begin? (whispers) Okay... Sydney watches the family reunion through the two-way mirror. (EXT. PIER - DAY) Sloane and Dean walk down a pier. SLOANE: Rachel Gibson's family has been moved to a witness protection program. DEAN: We knew that might happen. SLOANE: I will not hurt Rachel or anyone else from APO. It was not part of our agreement. DEAN: Our agreement is whatever I say it is. I'm the one who got you out of prison, and I can easily put you back. SLOANE: (stops walking) Let me say this again. I will not hurt those people. DEAN: I'm not telling you to - not yet, at least. But we both know you'll do whatever it takes to save your daughter. If that means you have to hurt a few people along the way, well - so be it. SLOANE: Are we finished? DEAN: Almost. Have you heard of a weapons designer named János Vak? SLOANE: No. DEAN: We've been after him for some time. He's disappeared. I want you to use your resources at APO and find him. Dean hands Sloane a USB drive. DEAN: What would your colleagues do if they knew you answered to me... that you were betraying them on a daily basis? SLOANE: (looks up directly at Dean) Same thing I hope to do to you someday. DEAN: Call me when you find Vak. (turns and leaves) (INT. APO - DAY) Sloane holds the USB drive for a moment and turns it over before finally plugging it into his laptop. He opens up the contents of the drive, but stops and pauses for a moment. He looks around the APO office at all the employees, his gaze finally stopping at a very pregnant Sydney, who has stopped to talk to Marshall. Sloane's computer shows János Vak's Hungarian passport. CUT TO Jack leading an APO meeting with Sloane, Sydney, and Marshall. JACK: Now that Arvin's returned in the capacity of Assistant Director, I've asked him to read Rachel Gibson's debriefing. I believe his... unique insights into a covert organization like The Shed will be extremely useful to us. SLOANE: Thank you, Jack. This is an extremely well-insulated organization. Of all the names mentioned in the debrief, there was only one that I recognized immediately - a weapons designer named János Vak. Sloane pulls up Vak's file on screen. SLOANE: Mr. Vak is a Hungarian national. For the past decade, he has specialized in designing targeting software. His present obsession - he calls it "Lasso Technology." SYDNEY: DOD's been worried about this. It's a software program that would allow an incoming missile to be electronically intercepted and redirected. MARSHALL: Right. Basically, you could lasso a target that was headed for a military target, say in the Middle East, and then redirect it to... Switzerland, you know? I mean, and then the Swiss call, and they're like, "Hey, uh, we're neutral, remember?" (laughs) JACK: Thank you, Marshall. I think we all... understand. MARSHALL: Right. That was just... a hypothetical. SLOANE: Based on Ms. Gibson's statement, Gordon Dean has been trying to locate Vak for the past six months. JACK: Arvin has suggested, and I agree, that if we can find Vak first, we can then use him as bait to catch Gordon Dean. SLOANE: In the past, he has been known to frequently partner with an Algerian arms broker. (pulls up a file of Zigza Zidane on screen) Evidently, they had a meeting a few months ago. Nobody has heard from Vak since. JACK: The Algerian Underworld is particularly difficult to penetrate. SYDNEY: I think I know someone who can do it. JACK: Renée Rienne. SYDNEY: Yeah. JACK: Make contact with her. See if she can get a lead on János Vak. Sydney closes her file and gets up. She walks over to her desk and sets the file down. Sloane approaches her. SLOANE: Sydney, I haven't had a chance to thank you for the letter of recommendation you wrote to the tribunal. I know it helped persuade the judges regarding my release. SYDNEY: You're welcome. SLOANE: Look, there's something I need to confess to you, and I hope you don't judge me too harshly for it. (pauses) Every day I go to the hospital to visit Nadia. I get off at her floor, talk to the doctors. And yet, I cannot set foot... into her room. I can't bear to see her hooked up to all those machines, knowing that it's my fault. SYDNEY: I know you'll do anything in your power to find a cure for Nadia. SLOANE: Yes, I will. I will do whatever it takes to save my daughter. GENERIQUE MARSEILLES, FRANCE (INT. BUILDING - NIGHT) Zigza Zidane and two men play Mahjong. The sound of a motorcycle racing closer alarms the men. Before they can react, a motorcycle crashes through the door. The rider slides the motorcycle to the side plowing it into the Mahjong table, knocking one man over with the table and scattering the other two. The second man draws a gun, but the rider quickly pulls a knife and throws it, piercing the man's hand and forcing him to drop his gun. The rider walks toward the man, removes her helmet and slams it into the man's head, knocking him down. The rider is Renée Rienne. Zidane tries to run away, but Renée throws a knife into the back of his leg. Zidane falls facedown to the ground, wincing in pain. Renée walks over to Zidane, straddles his back, and wraps a wire around his neck, tightening the line before questioning him. RENÉE: Bon soir, monsieur. [Good evening, sir. I'm looking for a weapons designer named János Vak.] (INT. APO TRAINING ROOM - DAY) Rachel trains on a punching bag. After landing one final elbow on the bag, she stops and rubs her eyes, exhausted. The door opens. TOM: Sorry. (turns to leave the training room) RACHEL: No, uh, you can use the bag. I'm done. TOM: No, I don't really like to work out around other people. RACHEL: Hey... I could use somebody to spar with. TOM: I don't really... spar. RACHEL: I don't either - which is why I could really use your help. Don't want to get my ass kicked in the field. What do you say? Tom looks hesitant. CUT TO Rachel and Tom squaring off, fists raised. RACHEL: How many fights you been in? TOM: I don't know. Enough. Rachel is jumpy, trying to decide on her move. RACHEL: You win? Rachel throws a succession of three punches at Tom, who blocks. TOM: Of course... mostly. Why, what did you hear? RACHEL: Nothing. I've just never been in any real fights. I kind of want to know what to do. With that, Rachel tries to kick Tom, but he blocks it. She spins around and tries a right side kick, but he deflects her awkward attempt easily, sending her backwards onto the mat. He reaches out his hand to help her up. TOM: Not that. Don't ever do that spinning kung-fu crap. You'll get yourself killed. RACHEL: Okay, fine. What should I be doing? TOM: All right. For real? (pauses) I fight dirty. RACHEL: Dirty? TOM: Go for the eyes, the throat, the nuts. RACHEL: The nuts? TOM: Cause as much damage. Inflict as much pain as humanly possible. RACHEL: I don't know if I can do that. TOM: Well, then you shouldn't be here. I'm serious! Look, everybody is taking care of you. If they can't depend on you... just go pack up your playthings! Go home to Mom and - Rachel slugs Tom, who is stunned temporarily at the impact and slowly rubs his jaw. Rachel stands with her fists raised - shaking, but determined and ready. TOM: (chuckles) That was better. I want to see more of that. Tom's cell phone rings. TOM: (answering) Tom Grace. Got it. (disconnects call) Briefing in fifteen. Tom turns to leave. Rachel follows him. (INT. APO BRIEFING ROOM - DAY) SYDNEY: Renée located the Algerian arms dealer. The lasso technology is no longer a rumor. János Vak designed a program to intercept and redirect missiles. According to the arms dealer, three months ago, Vak met with a Chinese official who bought the new weapon. SLOANE: Do we know where Vak is now? SYDNEY: No one's seen him since the meet. He's just dropped off the planet. JACK: Which is why we are going to pursue the Chinese official. His name is General Li Yum Sung, and he's staying at the Chinese Consulate in Bombay. The General is marrying an Indian woman next month. The consulate is throwing them an engagement party. DIXON: I've checked with our contact in Indian intelligence. He says the General keeps an encrypted copy of his contacts and schedule in a safe in his room. They should lead us to Vak. JACK: Sydney, you're going to break into the safe and acquire the intel. Agents Dixon and Grace will offer support. Marshall and Ms. Gibson will run op-tech. Good luck. Bombay (EXT. CHINESE CONSULATE - NIGHT) A crowd of people is there for the engagement party in the courtyard of the Chinese Consulate. Tom arrives with Sydney, wearing a green sari, on his arm. They make their way through the crowd. Dixon is already at the party, chatting with guests. When he sees Tom and Sydney, he excuses himself and walks over to them. DIXON: The General is still upstairs. TOM: Doesn't the man know it's kind of hard to break into his safe if he's sitting right in front of it? Sydney looks over at the General's fiancée, who looks distraught. SYDNEY: I don't think he's coming down tonight. See that woman over there? That's the General's fiancée. The fiancée looks up toward the General's office. A friend comforts her. SYDNEY: She looks pretty unhappy. I think the General might be having second thoughts. (comms) Hey, Marshall? MARSHALL: (comms) Go, Phoenix. SYDNEY: What's going on upstairs? MARSHALL: Wait for uno momento, por favor. Marshall taps into the surveillance feed. MARHSALL: Uh... okay. Looks like all's quiet. Just one soldier outside the General's door, very sharply dressed. SYDNEY: We've got to go about this a different way. (to Dixon) Remember the Prince in Bahrain? DIXON: They guy with the harem...? SYDNEY: Let's try and do that. TOM: What are you talking about? SYDNEY: (ignoring Tom) I need your watch. TOM: It's okay, I'm not really here. Dixon takes his watch off and hands it to Sydney. DIXON: (to Tom) Just follow my lead. Dixon approaches the General's fiancée. DIXON: (speaking with an accent) I am sorry, but I cannot allow you to marry the other man. The fiancée still looks upset, but is clearly confused. DIXON: You belong to me. It is time we told the world the truth. Our love cannot be denied. The fiancée looks at her friend incredulously. FRIEND: Who is this crazy person? FIANCÉE: I have no idea. Dixon gets down on one knee and grabs the fiancée's hand. FRIEND: Ay, yi yi! DIXON: Marry me, Naomika. Let us share our joy with everyone! FIANCÉE: Let go of me! DIXON: I know that you love me! FIANCÉE: Eh! Tom rushes up to diffuse the situation. TOM: Uh, the lady said let her go. DIXON: But - TOM: Let her go! (waving to a guard) Hey! DIXON: We are destined for each other, Naomika. The guard leaves his post to help Tom, allowing Sydney to get upstairs into the Consulate. Tom and the guard try to drag Dixon away. DIXON: Tell them! Dixon kisses the fiancée's hand a few times, despite her protests, before being forcefully dragged away. DIXON: Ours is a forbidden love! (INT. CHINESE CONSULATE - NIGHT) Sydney walks through the corridors of the Consulate until she reaches the General's office. She approaches the guard. SYDNEY: (speaking Mandarin Chinese) I need to see the General. GUARD: He's not to be disturbed. SYDNEY: He'll want to see me. Sydney puts her hand on her belly for emphasis. SYDNEY: You know what, never mind. I'll talk to his fiancée instead. I'm sure she'll love to meet me. (turns to leave) GUARD: Wait. Marshall and Rachel watch the interchange on the surveillance feed. RACHEL: (amazed) She improvised that whole thing. MARSHALL: Yeah, who'd think you could turn a pregnancy into an alias? RACHEL: ...and in Chinese. MARSHALL: Listen, I've had to do a little alias magic myself to save the day a few times. Do you know what a spork is? RACHEL: They're letting her in. The guard opens the door for Sydney to enter the General's office. The guard leaves the room and closes the door. The General looks up wearily at Sydney. GENERAL: Did she send you in? SYDNEY: Many of your friends are worried about you. GENERAL: I just need more time. I just... need more time. SYDNEY: It's okay. It's still early. Sydney points Dixon's watch toward the General and presses a button. A tranquilizer dart hits the General in the neck, knocking him out. Sydney removes a painting behind the General's desk, revealing a safe. From her purse, she retrieves a code cracker disguised as a compact and attaches it to the door of the safe. SYDNEY: (comms) Okay, Marshall, I'm ready. MARSHALL: Okay... Marshall tries to connect to the compact, but the computer is unable to receive the signal. MARSHALL: You know what? I'm not getting a reading, Phoenix. There must be too much shielding in the building. SYDNEY: Are you saying you can't do it? MARSHALL: Well, no. Of course not. Marshall reaches into his toolbox and digs through it. MARSHALL: All right, Phoenix, this is going to take a sec. I need to set a relay closer to the building so I can boost your signal. SYDNEY: Copy that. MARSHALL: (finds the relay) Got it. RACHEL: I can do it. You'll need to be here when it's activated. It'll be faster this way. Marshall hands her the relay. RACHEL: Thanks. Rachel leaves the van to set the relay. Meanwhile, Tom and the guard set Dixon down on a bench in a quiet area of the courtyard. TOM: Okay. (to the guard) Thank you for your help. He's not a bad guy, he's just had his heart broken. I'll get him home. Thanks. Dixon acts heartbroken, but keeps his eye what is going on in the courtyard. He notices the fiancée leaving her friends. DIXON: (comms) Heads up, Phoenix. The fiancée's moving your way. SYDNEY: Marshall, what's the ETA? MARSHALL: Oracle, what's your status? Rachel just finishes setting the relay. The lights on the device blink green. RACHEL: Relay's set. MARSHALL: Okay. Hang on a sec. Marshall receives the signal from the compact. MARSHALL: Great. We're at five by five. Way to go. Marshall cracks the code to the safe. The compact enters the code 11205 into the safe, unlocking it. Sydney removes the compact and opens the safe. She finds the device and puts it in her purse. SYDNEY: I've got it. I'm on my way. Rachel heads back to the van but a guard spots her. GUARD: Halt. Stop right there. Rachel stops. The guard approaches her. GUARD: What are you doing back here? Rachel smiles but is silent, frozen in place. As the guard gets closer, she panics and runs away. The guard runs after her, shouting in Chinese. RACHEL: (comms) I'm busted! East side of the building. TOM: (to Dixon) Wait for Sydney. Tom grabs a pole from one of the rope barriers. Sydney comes down the steps and coolly walks through the courtyard past Dixon, who pauses a moment before following her out. Rachel is running along the east side of the building and passes some bushes, where Tom is waiting. TOM: Get down. Just as the guard is about to pass the bush, Tom knocks him out with the pole. Rachel groans as she tries to get up off the grass. TOM: You okay? RACHEL: If by okay you mean freaked and embarrassed, then yeah, I'm great. Tom helps Rachel up off the grass. [SCENE_BREAK] (INT. STORE - DAY) Sydney sits on a rocking chair and watches a toddler play with the stuffed animal toys in the store. The child's father comes along. FATHER: (whispering) What you got there? The father puts a red hat on her head, and picks her up, holding her close. The storekeeper interrupts Sydney's reverie. STOREKEEPER: Finding everything okay? SYDNEY: Yes, thank you. Oh - I'd like to get this, please. (rubs the armrest of the rocking chair) STOREKEEPER: Okay, great. The storekeeper notices Sydney is distracted and follows her gaze to the father and daughter in the store. STOREKEEPER: Oh, we get so many dads in the store these days. (chuckles) I don't think my husband ever bought so much as a diaper. SYDNEY: Yeah. (gets up) My dad wasn't exactly hands-on either. (laughs) STOREKEEPER: What about your husband? Has he been doing his part? SYDNEY: He's been great. Wishes he could do more. STOREKEEPER: I love hearing that. Times sure have changed. SYDNEY: (whispers) Yeah. (INT. ALTERATIONS SHOP - DAY) Sloane walks into the shop. A bell monitoring the door rings. SLOANE: Hello. SEAMSTRESS: Hello. SLOANE: You altered a suit for me. Here's the ticket. SEAMSTRESS: (glancing at Sloane's ticket) Oh, yes. Why don't you wait in the back, and I'll bring it to you. SLOANE: Thank you. Sloane walks to the back room of the shop and finds Gordon Dean. DEAN: You should've told me about the Chinese Consulate before your team went in. SLOANE: There was no reason to complicate things. Anyway, I assumed that you wanted APO to do the heavy lifting. DEAN: (stands up and stands in front of Sloane, threatening) You don't get to assume anything. Did you locate János Vak? SLOANE: The intel was encrypted. I'll have an answer for you before the end of the day. DEAN: Call me when you do. (INT. APO - DAY) Sydney walks into the office. DIXON: (on the phone) I don't have time to explain. Yeah, she's here now, thank you. (hangs up phone) Dixon gets up and greets Sydney. DIXON: Hey. SYDNEY: Hey. DIXON: We found Vak. He's secluded on an oil platform in the South China Sea while he finishes his software program. Marshall's still pinpointing the exact coordinates. SYDNEY: Great. How are we going in? DIXON: We're not. We're backup. SYDNEY: (surprised) Who's my dad sending? DIXON: Rachel Gibson. SYDNEY: Rachel? Dixon nods. SYDNEY: He's sending her in solo? Why would he do that? DIXON: The Chinese government has suspended all shore leave for the men working on the platform. No one gets on or off until Vak is done. The sole exception is that every other weekend, Vak is allowed... female companionship. CUT TO Sydney and Jack discussing whether Rachel should be the one to go on this mission. SYDNEY: You can't send her in alone. JACK: Rachel's incredibly bright. You've seen it yourself. SYDNEY: You saw what happened on our last mission. She ran. JACK: The mission was a success, Sydney. You may not want to hear it, but this isn't an assignment you can do. You know it as well as I do. SYDNEY: She's not ready. At least delay the mission a few weeks. Just give her time to train. JACK: That's not an option. If we're going to use Vak and his weapon as bait to catch Gordon Dean, we can't afford to wait. This is no different than when you were sent back into SD-6. SYDNEY: It's completely different. I had Vaughn. JACK: And Rachel will have you. Sydney looks crushed for a moment, but recomposes herself. [I[CUT TO[/I] Marshall, going over the op-tech for Rachel's mission. MARSHALL: Okay, once you see Vak, you're going to need to knock him out, right? You know, I don't mean, you know, like, rock'em-sock 'em, knock him out. It's more of a, um, actually, here we go. Okay, take a look right here, this looks like a normal lipstick. Marshall twists the lipstick tube, showing Rachel the color. MARSHALL: It's a very nice shade of red. I think it would look good - but, anyway - touch it anywhere on his skin, it'll knock him out for at least two hours. By the time he wakes up, he'll think he had the time of his life. You - you'll be on a chopper halfway home. Oh, and also... Marshall pulls out a circular hairbrush. A blade pops out of the top of the brush, startling Rachel. MARSHALL: I spring-loaded an ice pick into here. You know, just in case. But you're probably not gonna... need that. I mean, I'm sure you'll be... you'll be fine. CUT TO Rachel prepping for her mission in a locker room. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a gun. DIXON: Are you about ready? RACHEL: I've been going to the firing range every night so that when the time came, I'd be ready. Of course, on my first solo mission, I have to go in unarmed. Rachel puts the gun into her locker. DIXON: Rachel, Jack wouldn't send you in if he didn't have complete faith in your ability to succeed. RACHEL: I appreciate you saying that, but I know what everyone is thinking. I'm the new girl, I panicked on the last mission, and everybody is asking whether or not I can do it. And the truth is - I don't know. I'm terrified. But I'm more terrified of not trying. So... I'm gonna put on my strappy shoes and my teeny dress, and I'm gonna try. And by this time tomorrow, we'll know whether I can do it or not. Dixon nods reassuringly. (INT. PARKING GARAGE - DAY) Gordon Dean is waiting in the parking garage. A car pulls up, screeching its tires as it stops in front of Dean. The driver window rolls down. It's Sloane. SLOANE: János Vak has been found. (hands Dean a sheet of paper) The details are in here. APO is sending in your former associate, Rachel Gibson. She's going in solo to get the weapons design. DEAN: (surprised) Gibson? Alone...? SLOANE: Once she acquires it, I'll swap it out. I'll get you the real program. Sloane rolls the window up and drives away. Peyton steps out of Dean's car. PEYTON: Did he just say they're sending Rachel? DEAN: I don't trust Sloane. We're not gonna wait. I want you to get the weapon yourself. Peyton nods, but hesitates. DEAN: Is there a problem? PEYTON: It'll just be strange if Rachel and I cross paths. She thought I was her best friend. DEAN: Look, if we could've convinced her to play on our side, we would have. But things didn't go that way. PEYTON: So... if I run into her? DEAN: Show her the professional courtesy of putting a bullet in her head. MER DE CHINE [Music - The Bodyrockers: "I Like the Way"] Rachel pulls up to the oil platform on a speedboat. She is wearing a short pink and purple dress with a leopard print fur coat. A guard leads her up a flight of stairs to Vak's room. CUT TO flashback of Sydney helping Rachel prepare just before the mission. RACHEL: This is a mistake. I've never done anything like this with the - the wig and the dress and... What am I gonna say to him? SYDNEY: Well, it isn't what you'd say. Remember, you're playing a character. It's what she would say. (thinks of an idea) Who was the sluttiest girl in your high school? RACHEL: Mandy Camarillo. SYDNEY: (amused) You didn't have to think very hard on that one. RACHEL: Tramp stole my date at junior prom. She had red hair and a pierced tongue. SYDNEY: (laughs) Okay, so you're Mandy Camarillo. And János Vak is your prom date. Just say what she'd say. You're not gonna be alone Rachel, not for a second. I'll be on comms the whole time - the way Vaughn was for me. RACHEL: It helps a lot - having you. (breathes) I can do this, right? SYDNEY: Absolutely. CUT TO Rachel on the oil platform. A guard follows behind her. As they enter a corridor, he stops her and points to Vak's room. She removes her sunglasses and walks toward the room, but hesitates, looking back at the guard. He shoos her into the hallway leading to the room. Rachel turns a corner and arrives at Vak's room. Another guard is at the door. He punches in a code to open the door for her. Rachel gets nervous. RACHEL: (comms, under her breath) Sydney? SYDNEY: Okay, I'm with you Rachel. Just breathe. Rachel knocks the door. VAK: Come in. Come in. Rachel enters the room. Vak sits on the foot rail of the bed, waiting for Rachel. She closes the door behind her. Vak sits up expectedly. Rachel smiles nervously. RACHEL: (walking toward Vak) You're so cute. They didn't tell me you'd be so cute. Vak remains seated and seems confused. RACHEL: You do speak English, don't you? I mean, they told me you would speak English. VAK: (getting up and walking toward Rachel with his arms out) Of course, English. I love English! Rachel extends her hand for a handshake. RACHEL: Nice to meet you. Vak thinks it was a curious gesture, but takes Rachel's hand. VAK: (bowing) I am János. RACHEL: Ra- ... Man-dy. Sydney winces at Rachel's mistake. VAK: Ray-Mandy. A beautiful name. RACHEL: So this is where you live, huh? (walking toward Vak's desk) It's pretty sweet. VAK: Only for a few more days. My business here is almost done. RACHEL: (sighs) You must get very lonely. VAK: Well, yes, which is why I'm so happy to see you. Perhaps you would be more comfortable over here on the bed, RayMandy. RACHEL: No, I'm, uh, I'm good. SYDNEY: Come on, Rachel. What would Mandy do? RACHEL: Do you know how to make daiquiris? VAK: I have champagne. RACHEL: Even better. (whispers) Idiot. Rachel digs through her purse. Vak pops the cork on the champagne, startling her. She drops something onto the floor. RACHEL: Uh-oh. SYDNEY: What do you mean, "Uh-oh"? RACHEL: I dropped my lipstick. VAK: Not a problem. Your lips are absolutely perfect just the way they are. Vak walks toward Rachel with a glasses of champagne. SYDNEY: Don't let him kiss you. You're the one in charge. VAK: Let me show you. Rachel slaps Vak across the face. Vak stands there for a moment looking at Rachel, stunned. VAK: (looking guilty) Has Baby been bad? SYDNEY: Oh, this is gonna be too easy, Rachel. Rachel smiles knowingly. Meanwhile, an oil platform worker takes some steps down to the lowest level. He is shot by Peyton, who has arrived at the platform to steal the weapon design. Peyton climbs a ladder up to the oil platform and continues on her way, gun in hand. Vak is being tied to the bed rails with duct tape. VAK: (excited) RayMandy, you're driving me crazy! Rachel finishes the last makeshift restraint on Vak's left arm. RACHEL: (authoritatively) Did I say you could talk? Rachel walks around to the foot of the bed and twists Vak's big toe. VAK: (in pain) Yoy! RACHEL: You've been a very bad boy. VAK: (pouting like a baby) I'm sorry. RACHEL: (mimicking his pouting) Mmm. Rachel crawls on the bed toward Vak. RACHEL: You know what? I'm gonna be honest with you. This whole "baby talk" thing kind of creeps me out, so... I'm just gonna cut to the chase, okay? Vak opens his lips, expecting a kiss. Rachel rips another section of duct tape and covers Vak's mouth. RACHEL: I gotta go. Rachel goes over the computer. Vak struggles against his restraints and tries to yell, but it is useless. Rachel takes out an eyeglass case and places it on the desk. She presses a button inside the case. RACHEL: (comms) Downloading now. SYDNEY: You're doing great. Peyton walks through the oil platform, shooting any guards she encounters. She makes her way to Vak's room PEYTON: (pointing her gun at the guard) The code.. The guard puts his hands up and punches in the code. As the door opens, Peyton shoots the guard. She enters the room and cocks her gun, but finds Vak bound to the bed and a smoking computer on his desk. Peyton turns and runs out of the room. Meanwhile, Rachel walks back toward her boat. RACHEL: Phoenix, I've got the data. I've destroyed the original. SYDNEY: Copy that. Almost home. Rachel finds a dead guard, but keeps going, hurrying to the dock. RACHEL: Phoenix, I've got a small problem. There's a dead soldier, and the boat's gone. SYDNEY: Copy that. I'm sending in an emergency extraction. Outrigger? CUT TO Dixon and Tom in a helicopter. DIXON: We heard, Phoenix. We're on our way. Rendezvous in approximately five minutes. Tom takes the helicopter up. SYDNEY: Did you hear that, Rachel? You're gonna be fine. Just make your way to the helideck. RACHEL: Copy that. Rachel begins climbing the first flight of stairs. Peyton searches the platform for her. Finally, Rachel reaches the highest level of the platform and heads toward the helideck. A gun cocks behind her. It's Peyton. PEYTON: Surprise. RACHEL: My God, you're - PEYTON: Not dead? RACHEL: I was gonna say "evil." Tell me I'm wrong. PEYTON: (lowers gun) Let's just say we work for different teams. RACHEL: You knew this whole time. You were in on it with Dean! PEYTON: (taking a step toward Rachel) I wanted to tell you. RACHEL: You blew up that building, and you killed all those people. PEYTON: It wasn't personal. I... I always liked you. RACHEL: It was a lie - everything we did! (steps toward Peyton) Peyton raises her gun, preventing Rachel from getting closer. PEYTON: That's enough. RACHEL: Now you're gonna kill me. PEYTON: That's what Dean wants. You've made it really hard for him since you left. Like I said - I always liked you. I don't want to kill you. Just give me Vak's software program, and you walk away from this. SYDNEY: (comms) Rachel, we can always track Peyton after she leaves the platform. If you believe she'll let you live, give her the data. Your life is more important than the mission. PEYTON: Come on, Rachel. You're in way over your head. Don't make me shoot you. Give me the disk. RACHEL: ...Okay. Rachel pulls out the hairbrush and holds it in her left hand, but continues digging her purse for the disk. PEYTON: You've got two seconds. One... Rachel pulls out the eyeglass case. RACHEL: Here. Instead of handing the case to Peyton, Rachel pops the ice pick out from the hairbrush and stabs Peyton in the right shoulder, causing her to drop the gun. Rachel kicks the gun away. PEYTON: You b****! Rachel tries to fend off Peyton again with the ice pick hairbrush, but Peyton dodges Rachel's swing and elbows her in the head. Rachel tries again, but Peyton knocks the brush from Rachel's hand. Rachel stumbles. PEYTON: (smiling) You should've given me the disk. RACHEL: You were gonna kill me anyway. PEYTON: Yeah. But I would've felt bad about it. Peyton pulls out a knife that was strapped to her knee. PEYTON: Now it's gonna be fun. Peyton swings at Rachel with her knife. Rachel dodges it and tries a sweep kick on Peyton, who jumps up and dodges it. Rachel loses her balance and falls backwards. Peyton advances toward Rachel, but Rachel kicks her. Rachel finds a metal pole on the platform and knocks Peyton's knife out of her hand. Rachel delivers another blow to Peyton's stomach. RACHEL: Still having fun? An oil platform guard begins shooting at the pair with an AK-47. Rachel grabs Peyton and pulls her away from the bullets, behind some barrels. Peyton looks baffled, but ducks behind the barrels with Rachel. A helicopter arrives and turns to the side. It's Dixon. He shoots the guard, and two other guards, with a machine gun. Peyton stares at Rachel's purse, which is nearby. Dixon trains his gun on Peyton, who decides it's time to get out of there. She takes a running leap off the top of the platform and into the water below. Dixon motions at Rachel. Rachel nods, grabs her purse, and meets them at the helideck. Dixon helps her into the helicopter, and they leave. (INT. MARINA STORAGE - DAY) Arvin Sloane walks in and meets with Gordon Dean. DEAN: You're late. SLOANE: I told you none of my people were to get hurt. DEAN: I do what I want, when I want. Now, where is it? SLOANE: You didn't trust me, and you nearly ruined the entire operation. DEAN: I want the weapon. SLOANE: You don't get to have it. That's my price for your mistake. DEAN: My mistake? I'm not the one responsible for one hundred thousand deaths. I'm not the one dangling on the end of a fish hook. I'm the one who decides if the little fish gets thrown back into the pond, or if it gets flushed down the toilet. Am I being clear? SLOANE: You don't get Vak's weapon. DEAN: How's your daughter? SLOANE: Nadia has nothing to do with this. DEAN: Oh, sure she does. I want a copy of the lasso software first thing in the morning. Gordon Dean leaves. Sloane looks out on the marina, alone. (INT. APO - DAY) Sydney watches as Jack speaks with Rachel in his office. When they are finished, Rachel leaves and walks toward Sydney. RACHEL: Your father's kind of scary. SYDNEY: Yeah, tell me about it. RACHEL: But he said we all did good, so... SYDNEY: No, you did great. RACHEL: Thanks... for being in my head. SYDNEY: You're welcome. I know how important that voice can be. Vaughn talked me through all my early missions with the CIA. Sometimes his voice was the only thing that kept me going. RACHEL: I wish I could've met him. SYDNEY: (touched) I'll see you tomorrow. (leaves) [Music - Karla Bonoff: "The Water is Wide"] Rachel looks around the office and sees Tom Grace. Tom gives Rachel a reassuring nod. (INT. NATIONAL NAVAL HOSPITAL- NIGHT) Sloane arrives at Nadia's hospital room. He watches through the glass doorway for a moment, but finally enters her room. He sits next to Nadia's bed and takes her hand. (INT. APO - NIGHT) Rachel is working late. She clears off a couple of files off her desk and stops when she finds a photograph of her family. She looks at it, wistfully. (INT. SYDNEY'S HOUSE - NIGHT) A recording is playing. Sydney sits in her new rocking chair and holds a micro cassette player to her belly as the recording plays. Vaughn: You okay? Sydney: Just having some trouble picking the lock. My fingers are kinda numb. Vaughn: Look, you're almost home. Just get inside and plant the bug. Sydney: That's easy for you to say. It's 20-below out here. You're nice and warm. Vaughn: I'll tell you what - I'll talk to Langley. See if we can send you someplace warm next time. Sydney: It should have a beach. Vaughn: (laughs) Absolutely. I'll find a bad guy who owns a really nice beach resort. And you'll have to go undercover for like, a month. You know what? That sounds pretty dangerous. Maybe we both should go. Sydney: (laughs) You'd do that for me? Vaughn: Hey, we're in this together, right?

Rachel's family is placed in the Witness Protection Program after growing concerns that her former boss Gordon Dean may attempt to kidnap them. Afterwards, based on information from Sloane, who in turn was tipped by Gordon Dean, APO infiltrates a party in search for an electronic dossier that will give them the location of a weapons designer who has created a weapon using software referred to as the "Lasso software" that can redirect a missile mid-flight. During this mission, Rachel is confronted by a guard, however, rather than fighting she runs and is eventually saved by agent Grace. Using the recovered dossier, APO learns that the weapon designer is holed up on an oil rig. They later come to the conclusion that the only way to infiltrate the rig is to send a female agent that can pose as the designer's weekend "companion." Rachel is selected to go solo due to Sydney's pregnancy. Amid concerns that Rachel may not be able to pull off the job on her own, Rachel is sent anyway with Sydney as a guide using voice communications. While on the rig, Rachel steals the Lasso software, however, she is confronted by Kelly Peyton, her former colleague and friend while at "The Shed". The two fight for the software, but eventually Peyton escapes as Gibson is extracted with the software. Concurrently with these events, Sloane is secretly in contact with Dean. The information previously given by Dean to Sloane was supposed to be used so that APO could track down the designer and steal the software so that Sloane could later steal it from APO and deliver it to Dean; however, Sloane refused to turn over the software "as payment" due to Dean's associate, Kelly Peyton, coming in and encountering one of his team. Peyton was sent to the rig to retrieve the software after Dean was hesitant about trusting Sloane to make good on this transfer. A comatose Nadia (played by Mía Maestro), whose life may now be in more danger due to Sloane's decision, makes a cameo appearance at the episode's conclusion.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] LUKE'S DINER [Luke is on the phone.] LUKE: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You don't? Well, when are you going to get it in? Fine. Two boxes of annular thread silicon pronged boat pads. [Lorelai enters.] A band saw. A wood rack, and a jack plane. Yeah, I'll hold. [Lorelai waves. Luke grunts.] LORELAI: Eh? Apparently now we've been married for forty years? LUKE: Sorry. This stupid boat supply place does everything but actually supply anything. LORELAI: Oh, catalogues. I love catalogues. LUKE: It's boating parts. Yes, yes, I'm here! [Pause.] None of them. Man, you must have a lot of room in that place of yours. Yeah, sure. Backorder it. What the hell. LORELAI: Oh! Look at these boots! LUKE: Let's try twenty C-clamps, five inches or larger. A box of quarter inch teak buns, marine caulk. LORELAI: And the boots. Get the boots. LUKE: Yeah, go check. I'll hold. [To Lorelai] What are you babbling about? LORELAI: I want these boots. LUKE: Those are work boots. LORELAI: They're yellow and cute. I'll look like the Morton's Salt girl. LUKE: How the hell did you find something to buy in my boat supply catalogue? LORELAI: Size nine, please? LUKE: Yes, I'm here. None of them? Well, at least you're consistent. Okay, backorder all of them. Yes, the C-clamps, the teak buns, the marine caulk - [rolls his eyes at Lorelai, who is kissing the boots in the catalogue.] - and one pair of fisherman's boots, size nine. [Lorelai raises a fist in victory.] Of course, those you have. Okay. Send them right along. Uh-huh. [He hangs up the phone.] They'll be here Tuesday. LORELAI: Aw, you didn't have to do that. LUKE: Hey, is it okay if I come over tonight and work on the boat a little? LORELAI: With what? Sheer masculinity and some imaginary sandpaper? LUKE: I have plenty to do until the backorder stuff gets here. LORELAI: All right. I thought you were going to spend the evening trying to figure out how to fling yourself down the stairs just hard enough that you won't have to go to my parents' thing tomorrow, but not so hard that you actually die. LUKE: No, I thought instead that I'd try to find a wild boar to maul me just enough that I'll need medical attention so I won't be able to go to your parents' thing tomorrow, but after some stitches and a transfusion, I'll still be able to make you coffee. LORELAI: Oh, much better plan. LUKE: I've started to run the rigging. I just wanted to get a little further on it. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Rory's spending the night. We're having a Cop Rock marathon. LUKE: Okay. Here's your donuts. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: And your coffee. LORELAI: Thank you. LUKE: And my final plea to not make me go to this thing tomorrow. LORELAI: [Pause.] You do not have to go. LUKE: Fine. I'll go. LORELAI: I love it when I break you with just the sheer anticipation of a wear-down! LUKE: Hold on, did you say Cop Rock marathon? LORELAI: Yeah, I got 'em all on tape. [Pause.] Trying to figure out what you see in me? LUKE: Yep. LORELAI: Wait'll you see me in the boots. [She exits.] OPENING CREDITS LORELAI'S HOUSE - KITCHEN [Rory and Lorelai are preparing a feast of frozen waffles, pop tarts and similar food. Rory's laptop is set up at the table and she is burning CD's as they "cook".] LORELAI: Okay, I know I was the one that said I was craving mashed potatoes, but, oh my God, they're a lot of work. RORY: It's instant mashed potatoes. Key word: instant. LORELAI: Oh, no, not instant. I have to mix water and butter into it, not to mention the adding of salt and pepper. RORY: OK The Best of Super Furry Animals complete. LORELAI: Oh! Plus I have to rip the package open, dump it into a bowl and, oh my God, are they serious? I have to stir the mixture to combine? What is this, the Gulag? RORY: Hey, do you want the Arcade Fire? LORELAI: I don't know, do I? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: Then yes. So basically once I'm finished with all this manual labor, I still have to clean the bowl. RORY: And the spoon. LORELAI: What do I use the spoon for? RORY: Stir to combine. LORELAI [Waves her hand around in the bowl.]: Pfft. Right. What do I use the spoon for? RORY: Oh, my mistake. Carry on. LORELAI: So let's cut to the chase. How badly do you want these mashed potatoes? RORY: You wanted the mashed potatoes. LORELAI: 'Cause with tater tots I can just rip and dump. RORY: Then stick with your strengths. Brain Master Eno coming up next. [There is a knock at the back door.] LORELAI: Who is it? LUKE [OS]: It's me. LORELAI: Me who? LUKE [OS]: Rory, can you just open the door? [She does.] Do you have an extension cord I can use? RORY: I'll go look. [Rory exits.] LORELAI: Hi! Come on in. LUKE: No, that's all right. I don't want to disturb you guys. LORELAI: Oh, you're not disturbing us. LUKE: Well, I'm dirty. LORELAI: Well, so's the house. LUKE: And if I come in there I'll see what you guys are planning on eating and I'll want to kill myself. LORELAI: It just so happens I am making a garden spring salad with three bitter lettuces and a breaded French country chicken. LUKE [Sarcastic]: Really, you are? LORELAI: No. So how's the boat coming? LUKE: Slow. LORELAI: Oh, well, you should've built a motorboat. RORY [returning]: Extension cord. LUKE: Thank you. I'll let you get back to taking five years off your life. LORELAI: Meh. They were the five where I would've been wearing fuschia lipstick way beyond my lip line, so I wouldn't want 'em anyhow. [They kiss.] LUKE: See you tomorrow. LORELAI: Ten-thirty sharp. [Luke leaves. Lorelai puts the tater tots in the oven.] LORELAI: Okay. First course ready? RORY: Ready! LORELAI: Let's Cop Rock. [They head for the living room. The phone rings. Lorelai answers it.] LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: I picked up my dress from the dressmaker and it's a disaster. LORELAI: What? EMILY: I got it home and it's falling apart. I need you to fix it. LORELAI: Uh, but - EMILY: I'm coming over. LORELAI: No, Mom, I - EMILY: Yes, I need you to fix this. LORELAI: I'm not the woman who made it. Make her fix it. EMILY: When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy. LORELAI: What does that mean? EMILY: I want this dress to be perfect for tomorrow, Lorelai. LORELAI: Yes, Mom, but - EMILY: It's the most important day of my life, Lorelai! LORELAI: It's not even the most important day of your marriage! EMILY: I'll be there in half an hour, Lorelai. [She hangs up.] LORELAI: No. Hello? Mom? But - [She hangs up.] She's coming over. RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because she won't buy her seamstress a puppy. RORY: Oh, sure. LORELAI: Something about her dress. Crap, what are we going to do? RORY: I don't know! LORELAI: We can't eat all of this before she gets here. RORY: Most of it. LORELAI: Sure, most of it. RORY: But not the tater tots or the pizza tower. LORELAI: Okay, we'll have to do the evening in two parts. We'll watch one Cop Rock, eat this stuff here, she'll come over, I'll get her dress done as fast as I can, then we'll continue with our evening. RORY: Maybe we should put it off. LORELAI: She comes, I fix, she goes, we Rock. Now eat. RORY: Hmm. [She reaches for a pop-tart.] LATER - OUTSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE [Luke is sanding the boat in the garage. Emily drives up. She notices him there, and walks up to Luke. When he notices her behind him, he is surprised and drops the sander, still running, on the ground. He struggles to turn it off.] LUKE: Oh! Hi, Emily. I just - I didn't see you standing there. I'm just working on my boat. EMILY: You're building a boat? LUKE: Yes. EMILY: Does it float? LUKE: Not yet. EMILY: Aren't boats supposed to? LUKE: Eventually, yes. EMILY: Well, at least you have a hobby. LUKE: Yes. Thank God for that, huh? EMILY: Idle hands, and whatnot. LUKE: It will float eventually. EMILY: Oh, I'm sure it will. LUKE: I just have to do a little more - EMILY: Well, I should get inside. LUKE: Yeah, it's nice seeing you again. EMILY: Yes. LUKE: Oh! Uh, congratulations. EMILY: For what? LUKE: You know, your thing tomorrow, renewing your vows. EMILY: You congratulate the groom. You offer the bride best wishes. LUKE: Oh. [Pause.] Uh, best wishes. EMILY: Why, thank you, Luke. How sweet of you to say. I'll see you tomorrow. LUKE: Hey, I'm looking forward to it. [Emily frowns a little, then walks toward the house.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - INSIDE [Emily knocks on the door. Lorelai answers it.] LORELAI: Mom, great. Come on in. Okay, so, is that the dress? EMILY: Yes, yes - LORELAI: Okay, well, let me take a look here. RORY: Hi, Grandma. Big day tomorrow, huh? EMILY: That wasn't your dinner, was it? RORY: No, that was just the appetizer. EMILY: Oh, well that's a relief. LORELAI: Mom, I don't see anything wrong. EMILY: Lorelai, are you blind? Look! LORELAI: Where? EMILY: Right there. [She points.] That bead and that bead and that bead, all loose. LORELAI: Okay, I see it now. I don't know how I missed it. Well, this is going to take me no time at all, five minutes tops. EMILY: Well, don't rush it. LORELAI: No, no, no rush. It's an easy job. Three and a half minutes and you're on you're way. You don't even need to sit down, because by the time you do, this'll be done. In fact you should have just left the car running 'cause that's how quick this is going to be. [She bolts up the stairs.] RORY: So how you holding up, Grandma? EMILY: I'm a wreck, actually. RORY: Why? EMILY: Well - LORELAI [From upstairs]: Two minutes and we're done! EMILY: I still can't decide exactly what to do with my hair, and I have absolutely zero faith that my wedding planner is going to be able to pull this off - LORELAI [returning with her sewing things]: Thirty seconds - someone clock me. [To Emily, who is taking off her coat.] What are you doing? EMILY: Do you have anything to drink? LORELAI: No, no, Mom, why are you taking off your coat? EMILY: Some wine, or some chilled vodka, perhaps? LORELAI: Yeah, but you might want to hold off on having a drink, Mom, 'cause you're going to be driving in two shakes of a lamb's tail. EMILY: Well, I could use a little something. Calm my nerves about this wedding planner I hired. LORELAI: I'm sure everything's going to be fine. EMILY: I don't see how it can be, everything is so last minute, and I didn't even get a decent rehearsal! LORELAI: Mom, I promise you, I have successfully walked in a straight line at least once before. I can get you the cop's name if you want to talk to him. EMILY: Oh, well, it's too late to do anything about it now. [She gets up to go into the kitchen.] LORELAI: No, no, Mom. Wait, I'm almost there, I'm almost there! I'm done, I'm done, I'm done! [The phone rings.] LORELAI: Stop her from getting a drink. RORY: How? LORELAI: Show her Nick Nolte's mug shot. [Answering the phone.] Hello? [Scene cuts between Lorelai's living room and Richard's study, where there is a group of men smoking cigars and playing cards in the background.] RICHARD: Lorelai! How are you? LORELAI: I'm fine, Dad, how are you? RICHARD: Oh, don't you worry about me. I am in good hands. Isn't that right, boys? MAN: Right! LORELAI: Geez, Dad, hanging out at the bath house again? RICHARD: I am at my bachelor party, Lorelai, and I just thought I'd call and see how your little gathering was going. LORELAI: My - RICHARD: Now, I want you to have a wonderful time, and go as crazy as you think is necessary. But make sure your mother doesn't mix her alcohol. Sometimes when she has a little bit too much vodka, she forgets and she goes on to gin. I need her sober and looking beautiful for tomorrow. MAN: Otherwise you don't have to go through with it. [They laugh.] LORELAI: So, Dad, Mom told you we were having a party? RICHARD: Well, she told me she was heading over to your house this evening to spend a little time with "the girls", so I put it all together. I'm a very brilliant man, Lorelai. Anyhow, I won't keep you any longer. Just return your mother in one piece, sans tattoos, please. LORELAI: Okay. Will do. RICHARD: Have a scandalous time. I'll see you girls tomorrow. [They hang up.] LORELAI: Okay, so here's a fun twist for your viewing pleasure. My father thinks my mother is here for her bachelorette party. RORY: What? Why does he think that? LORELAI: I think she told him that. RORY: Oops. LORELAI: Ah, were we supposed to throw her a bachelorette party? RORY: I don't know. You're the maid of honor. Aren't you supposed to plan these things? LORELAI: I didn't think you had a bachelorette party when you hadn't been a bachelorette for forty years. Oh my God, she is going to hold this against me for the rest of my life. RORY: So what do we do? [Lorelai sighs and looks in the direction of the kitchen.] LATER - INSIDE LORELAI'S HOUSE [The doorbell rings. Lorelai answers it. Sookie is standing outside, holding a dish and leaning her head against the doorframe.] SOOKIE: Davey had just fallen asleep. LORELAI: I know, I'm sorry. Thank you for coming over at the last minute. Is that - SOOKIE: Potstickers. LORELAI: Ah, I love you. RORY [Walking by, in the hall]: Hi, Sookie! SOOKIE: Mmhmm. LORELAI: Go on in the living room. SOOKIE: Okay. [She starts walking out the door.] LORELAI [Turning her around]: The other living room. SOOKIE: Okay. LORELAI: You're going to have to open your eyes now. SOOKIE [entering the living room]: Okay. [Gypsy arrives at the front door.] GYPSY: Hey, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hey, Gypsy. Thanks for coming on such short notice. GYPSY: I'm always up for a good party. LORELAI: Emily is in the living room with the others. GYPSY: Great. Who's Emily? LORELAI: Follow me, I'll point her out. GYPSY: Okie dokie. [They enter the living room. Emily is laughing on the couch with Patty and Babette, drinking from plastic cups.] LORELAI: Look, everyone, it's Gypsy! EMILY [drunk]: Gypsy! Gypsy's here! Everyone, Gypsy's here! LORELAI: Gypsy, that's Emily. EMILY: Come on, Gypsy, come over here and sit by me. GYPSY: Okay. [Babette moves. Gypsy sits next to Emily.] EMILY: I have to say, Lorelai, I am loving this drink. Have you ever had one of these, Gypsy? GYPSY: I don't know. EMILY: It's called a rum and coke. BABETTE: You know, you may look high-brow, Emily, but underneath, you're just a broad. [Rory walks in with a plate of tater tots.] EMILY: Did you hear that, Gypsy, I'm a broad. GYPSY: Yeah, I always suspected. RORY [To Lane and Kyon, sitting quietly]: How's it going? LANE: Great. KYON: What are we doing here? LANE: I tried to explain it to her, but it's not working. RORY: We are throwing my grandmother a bachelorette party. KYON: But she is married. RORY: Yeah, but they're doing it again. KYON: But why? RORY: Because they want to tell each other that they love each other all over again. KYON: But why? RORY: Because they do. KYON: But why? RORY: Because it's fun. KYON: But why? RORY: Because - [She looks at Lane.] LANE: Hey, you lasted one more 'But why' than I did. PATTY: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow. EMILY: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai? LORELAI: Ab fab, sweetie darling. EMILY: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy? GYPSY: Please make your mother stop talking to me. LORELAI: If only I had that power. EMILY: The party is going to be very, very big. Flowers everywhere, and my dress is incredible. The woman who made it is a genius. [Lorelai and Rory exchange a look.] BABETTE: So where's it going to be? EMILY: The Windsor Club. SOOKIE: Ooh, fancy. BABETTE: Well, that ain't no toilet bowl. EMILY: No, it certainly is not. It is the perfect place to have my perfect wedding. And what I had to go through to get it, let me tell you. [She goes to take a sip of her drink.] Lorelai, the cup's empty! [Lorelai gets up immediately to refill her drink.] EMILY: It was booked up two years in advance, and the Sheldrakes had the Rose Room. They were having a retirement party or something like that, [Lorelai pours extra rum in Emily's cup] and they simply refused to let us have the room. They were stubborn, and selfish, and now, after all the strings I pulled, they are across town at the Bluestone Club, with their piped-in music and their pornographic fountains. [Emily and Patty laugh.] PATTY: EMILY: I must say this is the best bachelorette party I ever had. SOOKIE: I really feel like we should play games or something, or have naughty gifts like edible underwear or dirty-shaped pasta. LORELAI: Yeah, too bad - oh, oh! [She gets up.] Just a sec. EMILY: Where is she going? Gypsy, where is she going? [Gypsy looks uncomfortable.] LORELAI: Aha! SOOKIE: What are you doing? RORY: No way! SOOKIE: Where did you get that? LORELAI: You gave it to me. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. [She giggles.] LORELAI [handing Emily the box of pasta]: Mom, for you on your special night. EMILY [taking it]: What's this? Oh my God! Oh my God! [She laughs, along with Patty and Gypsy.] KYON: What are they laughing at? LANE [picks up a plate]: Have a tater tot, Kyon. LORELAI'S HOUSE - MUCH, MUCH LATER [Rory is cleaning up dishes in the living room. Babette is passed out on the chair. Lorelai tiptoes down the stairs.] LORELAI: My mother is fast asleep in my bed, clutching my Hello Kitty pillow, and yes, I have pictures! RORY: I cannot believe how much rum Grandma drank tonight. LORELAI: How much rum she drank? [She opens up a purse.] RORY: Hey, that's Grandma's bag. [Lorelai pulls out a book.] What are you doing? LORELAI: I have no idea, I am drunk. [She skips into the kitchen.] RORY: Hey! Come back here with that. [She follows her mother into the kitchen, looks in her room where Sookie is asleep. She closes the bedroom door.] What are you doing? LORELAI: There is no way I'm sitting next to Missy Hollargan. RORY: Stop that, that's Grandma's seating chart! [She goes to the fridge to get Lorelai some water.] LORELAI: I know, I'm just fine-tuning it. Oh, the Ramsey's divorce must be legal by now. Time for a little reunion. RORY: You're evil and I'm going to tell. LORELAI: Well if you tell, then I'm going to tell cousin Drew, aka the Power Spitter, that you like him. RORY: You're mean. LORELAI: Hmm. Man, I'll say one thing for my parents, they certainly command a good turnout. [Rory sees Logan Huntzberger's name on the seating chart. She smiles.] RORY: Hey, do you think the Sheldrakes will be unhappy at the Bluestone Club? LORELAI: Oh, I have no idea. However, I do know that Dinky Shaw is going to be sitting next to her ex-husband's daughter from his second marriage. This is the daughter whose conception caused the second marriage. And everybody should bring an extra roll of film. RORY: Seems mean. Getting them kicked out like that. Seems mean. LORELAI: Seems Gilmore. RORY: Mom - LORELAI: Rory, this is how it works in my parents' world. Trust me, the Sheldrakes are busy screwing someone at the Bluestone out of something as we speak. RORY: If you say so. LORELAI: These people live in a universe where they feel entitled to get what they want, when they want it, and they don't care who's in their way. I hate that world. Vapid. Selfish. It's like that Life and Death Brigade you wrote about. RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: You know, like a bunch of selfish rich kids, the children of entitlement, blowing off school. Drinking for days. Spending thousands on a stupid and potentially dangerous stunt, knowing full well that they're not going to get in trouble, 'cause Daddy is important. They're all the same. RORY [Defensive]: They're not all the same. You don't even know them. And that's not what I wrote. I didn't say all those things about them. You're just reading whatever you want to into it. LORELAI [confused]: Okay, sorry. RORY: Just because you have money, that doesn't automatically make you a jerk. LORELAI: I know. I didn't mean it like that. [She sighs] So, new subject? RORY: Yeah, new subject. LORELAI: Hey, I wonder if my mother would notice if she and Dad were suddenly at different tables. [Rory gives her a look.] Okay. LORELAI'S HOUSE - MORNING LORELAI [Calling downstairs]: Hey, have you seen my Sparkly Venom lip gloss? RORY [OS]: Yes, I have, it's at school. LORELAI [OS]: Well, as long as it's safe. RORY [OS]: Hey, what time is it? LORELAI [OS]: Ten thirty-five. Rats! [Someone knocks on the door.] LORELAI [OS]: Rory, can you get that? RORY [OS]: I'm not dressed yet! LORELAI [OS]: You're not? It's ten thirty-five! RORY [OS]: So? LORELAI [OS]: Finally, that childish punctuality of yours has worn off. RORY [OS]: Stop. LORELAI [OS]: My baby's a woman. [Luke tentatively opens the door.] LUKE: Hello? LORELAI [OS]: Luke? LUKE: Uh, yeah. The front door was open. LORELAI [OS]: I'll be right there. RORY [OS]: Hi, Luke! LUKE: Hey, Rory. You know your front door was open? It wasn't like that all night, was it? LORELAI [Coming down the stairs.]: Hey! You look nice! [They kiss] LUKE: You're not dressed. LORELAI: No, I'm getting dressed there. LUKE: I didn't know you could get dressed there. LORELAI: Rory, let's motor! [Rory comes out of her room.] LUKE: I would have gotten dressed there. RORY: 'Kay, I'm ready. Hey, you look nice. LUKE: Yeah, I didn't know you could get dressed there. LORELAI: Don't worry about it. LUKE: You didn't mention there was a place to get dressed there. LORELAI: Oh, we're late. Let's go! LUKE: Wait, aren't you going to lock up? LORELAI: Babette, lock up when you leave? [Babette's head pops up from the other side of the couch.] BABETTE: You got it, honey! [To Luke] Oh, you look nice. WINDSOR CLUB LORELAI: Oh, please let them not be here yet. RORY: They'll be here. LORELAI: Well, you tell them you were running late. RORY: You were running late too. LUKE: My pants are all wrinkled from the ride. LORELAI: Do you see them? RORY: No. LUKE: It looks like I slept in them. LORELAI: Hey, stop being such a Nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like? LUKE: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy? [Emily and Richard walk toward them.] EMILY: Well, there they are. RICHARD: Hello, girls. LUKE: Apparently they're going to change here also. LORELAI: Sorry, um, Rory had a little emergency. RORY: So did Mom. EMILY: I hope everything's all right. LORELAI: Yes. Just fine. How is everything going? EMILY: Utter disaster. That moronic wedding planner finally fulfilled her potential. I get here and I go through my seating chart, and it's a mess. It looked like a drunken psychopath took a stab at it. I had to re-do the entire thing. It took me two hours and years off my life. LORELAI: Maybe she just got confused. EMILY: She did get confused. Confused about what her profession should be. Anyway, I fired her. That should help clarify things for her. RORY: Third realm of hell, party of one. LORELAI: Mom, how could you fire her now? Who's going to run the wedding? EMILY: Well, luckily Marilyn came into town early for the ceremony, and she offered to help out. RICHARD: You know that Marilyn was a very intimate friend of Cecil Beaton. He named an end table after her. LORELAI: Hmm. EMILY: And on top of all that, even though we managed to get the Sheldrakes out of the Rose Room, the women's club that owns this place has their still life painting class at four today in the Salon, and they refuse to give it up. LORELAI: Are you using the Salon? EMILY: Of course we're not using the Salon. What on earth would we use the Salon for? Oh, Luke. You're here. LUKE: Uh, have been, actually. EMILY: Richard, did you see Luke? RICHARD: No. Why, Luke, there you are. LUKE: Hey, Mr. Gilmore. Best wish- congrat- nice suit. RICHARD: Thank you, Luke. I can have my tailor steam out those trousers for you. EMILY [laughing]: Oh, Richard, that's not what he's wearing to the ceremony. I'm sure he's going to change. All right, girls. Let's go get settled. LORELAI [to Luke]: Are you okay to hang here for a while? LUKE: I'm sure. I'm fine. You go. [A woman walks over to them.] MARILYN: Emily. The florist is here and everything looks fabulous. EMILY: Really? MARILYN: No. But it will. [gushing] Lorelai, you look divine. Oh, and Rory. That skin. Gorgeous, I can't find the words. And who is this? LORELAI: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn. LUKE: Nice to meet you. MARILYN: You, too. [Pulls Lorelai aside.] Is he a gardener? LORELAI: Uh, no, he owns a diner. MARILYN: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now. EMILY: Marilyn, we're going to the bridal room now. MARILYN: And I have gardenias to deal with. RICHARD: I'll see you in a little while. I'll be the handsome one holding the ring. EMILY: My favorite kind of man. [The women go. Richard calls Lorelai back.] RICHARD: Psst, Lorelai. I need you to do something. LORELAI: Oh, spy voice. Cool. RICHARD: Focus, please? LORELAI: I am a camera. RICHARD: I want to give your mother a present. But I don't know what her dress looks like. So, I need you to take these [He pulls out two necklaces], wait till she's not looking, hold them up to the dress, pick the one that looks best, bring it back to me and I will give it to her. Got it? LORELAI: Got it. RICHARD: Go. [She goes. Richard looks at Luke, who is fidgeting with his pants. He walks away.] BRIDAL ROOM [Lorelai walks in with her hands behind her back. She pulls out the necklaces.] LORELAI: Which one do you want? EMILY [points]: That one, the other for my birthday. RORY [gasps]: Look at that, it's so fancy. EMILY: Your grandfather has perfect taste in necklaces and earrings. It's very important to find a man who can pick out your jewelry. LORELAI [whispers to Rory]: Or steal it. [Lorelai heads for the door.] EMILY: Where are you going? LORELAI: Uh, to give Dad back the necklaces. EMILY: Hang your dress up first. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: I'm going to go change. LORELAI: Great. Come back as Thora Birch. EMILY [sits down at the vanity]: Oh, Lord, look at that. Pierre has his work cut out for him today. LORELAI: Stop it, Mom, you look gorgeous. EMILY: Lorelai, why am I doing this? [In reply, Lorelai holds up the necklace.] EMILY: Oh, yes. It is pretty, isn't it? LORELAI: It's pretty frickin' awesome is what it is. EMILY: Oh my God, I'm so nervous, I haven't eaten a thing all day. LORELAI: Do you want me to whip up a little pasta for you, Mom? EMILY: Stop that. Maybe I should take a Seconal. LORELAI: Excellent idea, Judy. All right, my dress is hung. EMILY: Make sure you hurry back. Lisette will be here to do your hair any minute. LORELAI: My hair is already done. EMILY: Don't worry. She can fix it. [Lorelai gives her a look.] EMILY: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I'm just so nervous, I can't think. LORELAI: Why are you nervous? EMILY: I'm getting married! LORELAI: For the second time. Mom, it's a pretend wedding. J.Lo has them all the time! EMILY: Well, it certainly feels like a real wedding. After all, we've been separated for months. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to have a man around the house. Oh, God, I missed him. It's a wonderful thing to have a husband, a partner, somebody who's always there. Oh, Lorelai, don't you think you'll ever want to be married? LORELAI: Well, um - [smiles] actually, I do. EMILY [shocked]: Well, that's nice. RORY [coming out of the dressing room in her 'tux']: Best man in the house! EMILY: Oh, my goodness, Rory, you absolutely look adorable! LORELAI: Say, aren't you the culture Queer Eye guy? EMILY: Ignore her, you look dashing. LORELAI: Yeah, now go buy me some earrings. RORY: I like it. LORELAI: Hey, it's not fair that she gets to dress like that. EMILY: Your dress is beautiful. LORELAI: Yeah, but she gets to wear, like, a costume. Can't I dress like your maid? It'll be whimsical and I can wear flats. EMILY: Go give the necklaces back to your father. LORELAI: You so like her better. [Lorelai leaves.] [SCENE_BREAK] MAIN ROOM - CEREMONY [A string quartet plays as the congregation waits for the ceremony to begin.] MARILYN: So, tell me, Luke, have you ever considered being a gardener? LUKE: Uh, I'm not much good at growing things. MARILYN: Oh, Luke. That's the least important part of being a gardener. [The judge, Richard and Rory enter from a side door and take their places at the front. The congregation turns around to watch for the women to come from the back. Lorelai walks down the stairs and down the aisle, winking at Luke before she takes her place. Rory notices Logan, and smiles happily. The congregation rises to welcome Emily, who smiles as she takes Richard's hand at the front.] JUDGE: May you all be seated, please. [They sit. As the judge talks, Rory notices the girl next to Logan lean over and whisper in his ear. Logan laughs. She appears jealous.] I have known Richard and Emily Gilmore for twenty years now. I know them to be two of the most formidable opponents the world has ever seen. They complement each other. They defend each other. They were made for each other. And today, in front of friends and family, Richard and Emily have chosen once again to say to each other, "I choose you". [Luke and Lorelai smile at each other.] How many of us in a lifetime even get chosen once for something we really want? [Christopher enters late and sits down, trying not to draw attention.] Richard and Emily, will you please face each other. Please repeat after me. I, Richard Gilmore. RICHARD: I, Richard Gilmore... [Fade to black.] RECEPTION HALL [Lorelai and Luke enter with Rory. Joyous music and laughter can be heard.] LORELAI: And over here we have the Romanov table. LUKE: Wow. Look at those flower arrangements. This thing must've cost a fortune! They're real orchids. LORELAI: A little gayer, please. LUKE: I'm just saying. MARILYN: Oh, wasn't the ceremony perfect? The candles and that judge. I should have married him. I was such a snob, I wouldn't have a civil servant. [To Luke] You're saving a dance for me. [She leaves.] LUKE: Oh my God, there's dancing? LORELAI: Yeah. We're doing the one from Pulp Fiction. Do you want to be Uma, or should I? RORY: I'll meet you guys at our table later. LORELAI: Table five, hon. [Rory goes.] LORELAI: Aw, man. I've already seen ten people I hate, twenty people I know whose names I can't remember, and forty people I don't know but who will expect me to know them anyhow. LUKE: A bar. Thank God. [They go over to the bar.] LORELAI: Hey, I need you to run major introduction interference for me. LUKE: What? LORELAI: Well, you have the advantage. No one knows you here, you can't insult them by forgetting their names. [To the bartender] Vodka tonic. LUKE: And a beer. LORELAI: Someone comes up, I'll take a drink. My mouth will be full, I can't talk. How would that look, right? Then you jump in, offer your hand. [In a deep, "man" voice] 'Hi, Luke Danes. And you are?' 'I'm Mr. Blockenfeffer.' By then I will have swallowed. 'Oh hi, Mr. Blockenfeffer, I'm Lorelai, remember me?' 'The bane of your mother's existence?' 'Exactly. Nice to see you again.' 'Nice to see you again. And nice to meet you, Luke.' 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Blockenfeffer.' 'You kids have a lovely evening.' 'No, you have a lovely evening. Our love to Mrs. Blockenfeffer.' Oh, look. LUKE: What? LORELAI: My Aunt Totsy. Mmm. Lovely woman. She hugs you, you smell like her for a month. LUKE: Yep. [To the bartender] Keep these coming. LORELAI: Thanks. [Rory is standing in the middle of the room, looking around. She sees Logan getting a drink at the bar, and follows him discreetly to his table. She hides behind a man and peeks around him to get a better view of Logan and the blonde girl he is with.] MAN: Actually, it's not that difficult at all. You just start with the siblings and count down even generations. The children of siblings are first cousins, the grandchildren of siblings are second cousins and so on. That makes you and Ceci third cousins, because Mee-maw and your great-great aunt Mary were sisters. See? Now, if the generations aren't even, that's where you indicate with 'removed'. For example, you're Trip's second cousin, but Trip's daughter is your second cousin, once removed. So if Ceci ever has grandchildren, you'll be third cousins twice removed, whereas they will be my second cousins thrice removed, and my great-grandchildren's fifth cousins. See, it's not [Rory wanders away. Lorelai and Luke are talking to a couple.] BRUCE: I'm Bruce McAllister, and this is my wife, Susan. LUKE: Well, it's very nice to meet you, Bruce, and Susan. LORELAI [swallowing]: Hi, Bruce, remember me? Lorelai? BRUCE: Yes, it's nice to see you again. SUSAN: Well, we should find our table. We'll talk to you later? LUKE: Okay. 'Bye, Bruce. [They shake hands.] LORELAI: 'Bye, Susan. [They walk away.] That's what I'm talking about. [They look around.] Mmm. Whoops, Marilyn's getting Totsied. [She forces Luke to turn around to avoid someone.] Oh! How are you doing? You having a good time? LUKE: It's okay. LORELAI: Um, I have to tell you something. LUKE: Are you okay? LORELAI: Yeah, um, [whispers] Christopher's here. LUKE: Oh, well, I guess he knows your parents, so ¯ LORELAI: Yeah, but, um, so Christopher's father died a couple weeks ago, and, um, he took it pretty hard. He had a terrible relationship with the man. [She looks over at Chris.] I went over there one night. The night before the re-enactment. Um, I brought tequila and we talked and drank, just two old friends hanging out. That's all. LUKE: You went over there? LORELAI: To comfort him. I know I should have told you about it, I just didn't because I didn't want you to read anything into it, or think anything weird, and I'm only telling you now because he's here and it might come up, and I don't want you to feel shanghaied. LUKE [glaring]: Yeah, that would be bad. LORELAI: I'm sorry, Luke. Nothing happened. Please believe me. [Christopher joins them.] CHRIS: Hey, Lor. LORELAI: Hi, Chris. You know Luke. CHRIS: Uh, no, not really. I'm Christopher. LUKE: Yeah. Heard a lot about you. CHRIS: You, too. The coffee is legendary. LORELAI: Luke and I are dating. CHRIS: That's great. LORELAI: Have been for, what, four months now? Man, time, it flies when you're having fun, huh? Big fun. Nothing sexual intended, although ¯ LUKE: Sorry about your dad. CHRIS: Yeah. Thanks. LORELAI: I told him about your dad, and the tequila. CHRIS: Oh, yeah. It was rough, Lorelai helped me a lot, just being there. LUKE: She's a very considerate person. LORELAI: Hey, who likes my dress? 'Cause, man, you should have seen the one my mother wanted me to wear. LUKE: You're cutting off my circulation. LORELAI [Letting go of his arm]: I'm sorry. CHRIS: Hey, so where's that kid of ours? LORELAI: Uh ¯ EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you for the first time, this century, Mr. and Mrs. Richard Gilmore. [Everyone claps.] LORELAI: Well, we should take our seats, now, see you later, Chris. CHRIS: We'll have a drink. LORELAI: Be great. [Chris watches Lorelai and Luke head to their table and Emily and Richard make their entrance.] LORELAI: Something wrong? RORY: Coffee sucks. [Richard takes the microphone. Emily takes a seat facing him.] RICHARD: Thank you. [clears his throat.] On behalf of myself and my second wife, Emily, I would like to thank you all for coming here to help us celebrate. You are good friends, and we are very, very lucky. Now, in planning our traditional first dance, I gave a lot of thought to the song that would represent the next phase in our marriage. The best phase in our marriage, I believe. [Emily blows him a kiss.] I went over all the greats ¯ Bennett, Sinatra, Chuck Berry ¯ and a story popped into my head. Now, most of you know my daughter, Lorelai. When Lorelai was three, she went through a period of having chronic ear infections. It was terrible. Screaming all night long, we couldn't keep a nanny longer than a week. LORELAI [to Luke]: Yeah, that was the terrible part. The searing pain was just a side note. RICHARD: And so, it fell to Emily to sit with her all night long. She tried everything to calm her down. Finally, she found a song that seemed to soothe her. It was a popular song on the radio and it soon became Emily's favorite. Of course, it drove me crazy ¯ some woman complaining about how she wanted to marry a man named Bill. Not exactly Cole Porter. Emily would tease me, saying, 'If only your name was Bill, then this could be our song.' Well, Emily, for tonight, and tonight only, my name is Bill, and this is our song. Hit the button, Johnny. [He pulls her to her feet.] Your hand, madam. EMILY: I cannot believe you remembered this song. [Richard and Emily dance. Chris stares over at Lorelai and Luke, and orders another drink. Rory stares at Logan and the blonde.] Bill, I love you so, I always will I look at you and see the passion eyes of May Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day? (Wedding day) I was on your side, Bill, when you were losing I'd never scheme or lie, Bill, there's been no fooling But kisses and love won't carry me till you marry me, Bill EMILY: We should separate more often. RICHARD: Oh, bite your tongue. I love you so, I always will. And in your voice I hear a choir of carousels EMCEE: At this time, if you're in love, I invite you to join Emily and Richard on the dance floor. Oh, but am I ever gonna see my wedding day? LORELAI: You wanna dance? LUKE: No, thanks. LORELAI [serious]: Please? I promise I will dance just as spazzy as you will. LUKE: I do not dance spazzy. LORELAI: Then I will be the only spaz on the floor. Please? LUKE: I do not dance spazzy. LORELAI [smiles]: Thank you. [They get up. Christopher glares after them.] But kisses and love won't carry me Till you marry me, Bill I love you so, I always will And though devotion rules my heart I take no bows But Bill, you know I wanna take those wedding vows Come on, Bill, Oh, come on, Bill [Rory sees Christopher get up and leave. She follows him.] SALON [The still life painting class is meeting.] RORY: Want some company? CHRIS: Hey, kiddo. Have a seat. RORY: Quite a party, huh? CHRIS: I would expect nothing less from your grandparents. RORY: Pretty flowers. CHRIS: Yes. Not at all fake. RORY: Like my suit? CHRIS: I do. It's very Bugsy Malone. RORY: So how you doing? CHRIS: Me? Oh, I'm fine. Just ¯ [pause] Did your mother ever tell you about our first kiss? RORY: No. CHRIS: We were fourteen. It was after school in the parking lot of the AM/PM. She just walked right up and kissed me. RORY: Really? CHRIS: Yep. Said she just wanted to know what it would be like. RORY: I hope you at least bought her a Moonpie. CHRIS: You know, it never would've crossed my mind to do something like that. Just walk up and kiss someone, 'cause you wanted to. But Lorelai ¯ she always knew what she wanted. And she'd go out and get it. RORY: She never told me that story. CHRIS: No. Probably wanted to make me seem more manly. RORY [smiles]: Did you ¯ CHRIS: Did I what? RORY: Did you like it that she kissed you first? CHRIS: Who could not like being kissed by a Gilmore girl? It was the greatest day of my life. [Rory looks thoughtful. He finishes his drink.] I'm going to get a refill, can I get you something? RORY: No. I'm fine. CHRIS: Okay, well, I'll see you back in the center ring. RORY: Okay. [Chris goes. Rory sits for a minute longer.] RECEPTION HALL [Lorelai and Luke are dancing.] LUKE: Okay, there's a touch of spazzy in there. Can we stop dancing now? LORELAI: We can. Uh, but Marilyn is standing right behind you and if we swap she's going to swoop in, there's nothing I can do to save you. LUKE: Well, funny how Marilyn's been standing right behind me where I can't see her for the last two songs. LORELAI: Yeah, I know. That woman is spooky. LUKE: This wouldn't be some underhanded ploy of yours to keep me dancing, would it? LORELAI: Why, Luke Danes, I am appalled at the insinuation. I should walk off this dance floor right now and leave you to your fate. But I'm much too sweet a person to do that. LUKE: Uh-huh. [The song ends and a slower one starts.] LUKE: Much better. Lowers the spaz quotient. [Rory walks purposefully across the dance floor, straight to Logan's table.] LOGAN: I like the suit, Kashmir. RORY: I didn't know you were going to be here. LOGAN: Really? I thought you put my name on the list. RORY: No. LOGAN: Oh, well, it must be your grandparents invited me. My parents are around here somewhere. RORY: Oh, so you came with your parents? LOGAN: Yup. RORY: And ¯ LOGAN: And, what? RORY: Where's the blonde? LOGAN: She's at the bar. RORY: Oh, yeah, she's pretty. LOGAN: Yeah? You want me to hook you up? RORY: No, I was just saying ¯ LOGAN: What are you just saying? RORY: That she's pretty. That you brought a pretty girl. She's pretty, and the two of you are pretty together. In case you were wondering. LOGAN: Jewel's a friend of the family, I've known here forever. She's visiting her parents in town, and she had nothing to do, so she asked to tag along. We're not dating. RORY: Do you want to dance? LOGAN [gets up]: After you. [They walk past Luke and Lorelai.] LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: Ugh, Totsy alert! Move, move! [They rush off the floor. Rory and Logan look at each other while dancing.] LOGAN: What? RORY: Why did you come? LOGAN: Open bar. RORY: Quite a draw for a guy with an American Express black card. LOGAN: Live band, salad, butter pats ¯ RORY: Logan ¯ LOGAN: Little knit bags full of those Jordan almonds ¯ RORY: Are you ever going to ask me out? [No answer.] You flirt with me. You act like you like me a little. You show up here, with a friend, not a date. I mean, aren't you? Ever? [Pause.] You do like me, right? [Logan smiles.] Oh. Okay. Uh, no problem. [She tries to pull away; he doesn't let her.] I'll just, um, let you go back to your table, and I'll just start burrowing directly into the ground. LOGAN: Rory. RORY: I should be in China by midnight. LOGAN: Rory. RORY: You called me Rory. LOGAN: I want to be clear. RORY: Oh, good. LOGAN: I have thought about asking you out, several times. I just don't think it's such a good idea. RORY: Why not? LOGAN: Because you're special. RORY: Special, like 'Stop eating the paste', special? LOGAN: You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are incredibly interesting. You're definitely girlfriend material. I, however, am definitely not boyfriend material. I can't do commitment, and I don't want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something, right away, and I'm not that guy. RORY: But' I'm not looking for anything something like. LOGAN: Rory. RORY: I'm not. I've done that. As a matter of fact, I just did that, and that's not what I want. LOGAN: I'm not saying you want that right now. RORY: No, I don't want that at all. No, I'm not expecting anything. I'm just I like you, and I want to spend some time with you. No strings attached. LOGAN: No strings attached, huh. RORY: Hey, girls just wanna have fun. Stringless fun. LOGAN: You may feel like that now, but ¯ RORY: I do feel like that now. LOGAN: Okay, but ¯ [Rory grabs his hand and pulls him off the dance floor.] LOGAN: Where are we going? RORY: How should I know? What, do you think I have a plan or something? Geez. [She grabs a bottle of champagne from the bar.] Live in the moment, Huntzberger. [She walks toward the exit, then looks back at him.] Coming? [Logan looks around, then follows her.] BRIDAL ROOM [Rory enters, followed by Logan. She closes the door.] RORY: Champagne? [Logan takes a sip and gives the bottle back. Rory drinks.] LOGAN: Look, are you sure you want to do this? RORY: I just want to know what it would be like. [She kisses him. Logan looks her up and down.] LOGAN: I feel like I'm kissing a guy. [Rory rolls her eyes and kisses him again.] LOGAN: And apparently I had no idea what I was missing. [They kiss again.] RECEPTION HALL [Guests are clinking their glasses. Emily laughs, and she and Richard kiss. Lorelai returns to their table with drinks.] LORELAI: Here you go. Oh, no. You've been Totsied. LUKE: Well, you left me alone. LORELAI: I warned you about her. LUKE: I turn around, she's headed right for me, what am I supposed to do? LORELAI: Ugh, man. LUKE: It's not that bad. LORELAI: Yeah, of course not. [Christopher joins them.] CHRIS: Thought I'd come by for that drink. Man, you've been Totsied! [He snickers.] Didn't you warn him? LORELAI: I tried. Moves slow. CHRIS: Don't worry about it, man, we've all been there. Lorelai and I went to a funeral, we got Totsied twice! You remember? LORELAI: Um, no. CHRIS: No? Come on, it was raining. You were wearing your 'Hell is for children' t-shirt, your mom flipped because we snuck that flask in? LORELAI: Huh, sorry, no memory at all. [To Luke] You want to dance? CHRIS: Dance? Get second-hand Totsied, Lor. You know you should burn that suit when you get home. Hey, how's the Inn? [To Luke] You know, we had lunch at the Inn last month. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: The Inn is fine. Everything is fine. MARILYN: Honey, so sorry to interrupt. Your parents want a picture of just the wedding party in front of the cake before they cut it. LORELAI: Okay, I'll just, uh, go find Rory. MARILYN: I think I saw her heading off that way with that darling blonde boy. I've forgiven her for not noticing that I was chatting with him earlier. LORELAI: Really, well, I'll go get Rory and meet you back at the cake. LUKE: I'll go with you. [Chris tosses back the rest of his drink and follows.] HALLWAY [Lorelai looks for Rory. Luke is right behind her.] LUKE: Listen, uh, I think we need to talk. LORELAI: I know, I know. We will. I just ¯ let me try to find ¯ [She opens the door to the bridal dressing room. Rory and Logan pull apart.] LORELAI: Hm. Grandma wants a picture. RORY: Of this? LORELAI: Rory, what are you doing? RORY: Mom ¯ LORELAI: You're at your grandparents' wedding! Renewal ¯ vowal ¯ thing. Whatever. They're right out there. God, Rory, I swear! CHRIS: Rory? Rory's in here? LORELAI: Okay, don't, Chris, it's all right. CHRIS: What the hell are you doing in here with my daughter? LOGAN: I ¯ CHRIS: Get away from her. That is my daughter! I will kick your ass! I will kick your ass, you little weasel! [Lorelai pushes him out of the room.] LORELAI: Get out! LUKE: What the hell is going on? CHRIS: Who's that guy, Lorelai? LORELAI: Christopher, calm down! You're drunk! CHRIS: Calm down? There's a guy in there pawing my daughter! LUKE: What guy? There's a guy in there with Rory? [He barges into the room. Logan and Rory are collecting their things.] LORELAI: Oh, my God, Luke! LUKE: Hey! Get your hands off her. I mean it. Right now! Hands in the air, I want to see hands in the air! LORELAI: Out! [She slams the door and smiles at Logan and Rory.] LORELAI: I think you guys better use the back way out of here. RORY: But, Dad ¯ Luke ¯ LORELAI: I will take care of Dad and Luke. Please go, now, go! [Rory goes, Logan hesitates.] So, um, you must be Logan. LOGAN: Uh, yeah. LORELAI: I'm Lorelai. LOGAN: Nice to meet you. Okay, well, I'd better ¯ LORELAI: Yeah. [He leaves, she opens the door.] CHRIS: It's none of your business what's going on with Rory. LUKE: It sure the hell is my business. LORELAI: Oh, guys, please! CHRIS: Rory is my daughter. Mine. LUKE: Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again? LORELAI: Luke, please. This is not the time. CHRIS: Where I was doesn't concern you. Rory is my daughter, and Lorelai's daughter, and that's it. LUKE: Well, I'm with Lorelai! CHRIS: For now! LUKE: What does that mean, for now? What is that, a threat? CHRIS: Lorelai and I belong together. Everyone knows it! I know it, Emily knows it! LUKE: What? CHRIS: Look, I blew it, okay? I know that I blew it. [To Lorelai] You waited, and I didn't come through, and now you're with him. But it's not too late! LORELAI: Chris, don't. CHRIS: It's not too late. I know it's not too late. Emily told me it wasn't too late! [Luke glares at Lorelai. She looks guilty.] I mean, that's why I'm here, okay? I know you're with him. But it's for now, it's not forever. It's just for now. I know that. LORELAI: Luke, I don't know what he's talking about! LUKE: I got to get out of here. LORELAI: Oh, Luke, wait ¯ CHRIS: Please, just, just ¯ LORELAI: Christopher, get out of my way! [She chases after Luke.] RECEPTION HALL [Lorelai is looking for Luke. Christopher is chasing after her.] CHRIS: Will you stop? LORELAI: Get away from me, Christopher. CHRIS: I just want to talk. LORELAI: Get some coffee, Christopher! CHRIS: This wasn't the way I wanted it to go down. I wanted to get you alone and ¯ what are you doing? LORELAI: I'm going after Luke! MARILYN: Oh, there you are! [Calling to Emily] I've got her! [She pulls Lorelai toward the cake.] Oh, you cannot keep a room full of Anglo-Saxons waiting for cake this long! They start to form more clubs. [To the photographer] Take her, take her, take her! PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, wonderful. There we are. [The four of them are lined up ¯ Rory, Richard, Emily and Lorelai.] Okay. Everyone, in just a little closer. That's perfect, hold that. LORELAI [leaning into to whisper in Emily's ear]: You and me, we're done. PHOTOGRAPHER: One, two, three. [Emily is shocked, and turns to look at Lorelai as the camera flashes.] _______________END________________

Emily and Richard renew their vows in front of their closest friends with Lorelai as Emily's Maid of Honor, and Rory as Richard's Best Man. Luke gets in a fight with Christopher over Lorelai. Logan comes to the ceremony with a girl that looks like his girlfriend, and Rory gets jealous. Rory confronts Logan and Logan and Rory go a level up from flirting.

fd_Merlin_01x06

fd_Merlin_01x06_0

"In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name: Merlin." Laboratory Edwin pulls a bug out of a box. Edwin: Bebeode þe arisan ealdu. Edwin places the bug in some flowers. Morgana's Chambers Gwen enters with Edwin's flowers. Gwen: Look what's just arrived for you. Morgana: Who're they from? Gwen: I don't know. Maybe Arthur. Morgana: How disappointing. Gwen: Why? Who'd you like them to be from? Morgana: I don't know. Tall, dark stranger? Castle - Main Square/Morgana's Chambers Edwin stands in the Square at night. Gwen puts out the candles in Morgana's Chambers. Gwen: See you in the morning. Morgana falls asleep and the bug climbs out of the flowers and into Morgana's ear. Morgana's Chambers Gaius examines sleeping Morgana. Gaius: Her body seems to have closed down. Uther: Why? You don't have an answer do you? Nothing you've tried so far has worked. It's been nearly two days. And what do you know? Gaius: I fear she may have some form of inflammation of the brain. Uther: What could cause such a thing? Gaius: An infection, possibly. Rest assured, I will do everything in my power to cure her, Sire. Griffin Staircase Gaius is descending the curved stairs from Morgana's Chambers. Gwen meets him. Gwen: Is she any better? Gaius shakes his head. Gwen climbs the stairs as Gaius descends and meets Merlin on the landing. Gaius: She's all but dead, Merlin. Merlin: No, you're going to cure her. You have to. Gaius: Don't you start. I've tried everything. Merlin: I was wondering... Gaius: What? Merlin: Maybe I could... Merlin waits for a guard to pass by. Merlin: ...help. Gaius: If you're suggesting magic...have you forgotten what happened with Gwen's father? This is not a magical illness, it must be cured by conventional means. We keep trying. See if you can find me some fresh rosemary. Merlin: There must be something more I can do. Gaius: And yarrow. Castle - Main Square Edwin waits as Arthur comes out to meet him. Arthur: What's your business here? Edwin: My name is Edwin Muirden, and I have a remedy to cure all ills. Arthur: Is that so? Edwin: I beg an audience with the King. Arthur: Our court has a physician. Arthur begins to walk away. Edwin: I hear the Lady Morgana was gravely ill. Arthur stops and turns. Arthur: That is no concern of yours. Edwin: I might be able to help her. Arthur: Our physician has the matter in hand. Arthur continues walking. Edwin: I will be at the inn, in case you change your mind. Arthur's Chambers Arthur sits in a chair while Merlin paces. Merlin: It's gonna be alright. It is. I know it is. She's gonna be absolutely... Arthur: Merlin. Merlin: What? Arthur: You're making me anxious. Merlin: But I'm not worried. Arthur: Then stop pacing. Merlin sits down, but then starts tapping his fingers on the table. Arthur gets up and starts pacing. Morgana's Chambers Gaius: I cannot preserve her life for much longer. She has hours, maybe less. Arthur: We cannot let her die! Uther: Arthur, please. Arthur: There's a man, he came to the castle yesterday. He claims he can cure her. Uther: That's ridiculous. He doesn't know what's wrong with her. Arthur: He says he has a remedy that can cure all ills. Gaius: Impossible. Arthur: Well, for Morgana's sake, surely we should at least hear him out. I mean, what've we got to lose? Please, Father. Gaius: Probably some charlatan hoping for a quick shilling. Arthur: I don't care! If she's about to die, what harm can it do? Give him his shilling! If there's one chance in a million he can save her, then why not? Uther: Send for him. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Uther, Gaius, and Arthur enter. Edwin drops to one knee and hands Uther a roll of parchment. Edwin: Edwin Muirden, Sire. Physician and loyal servant. Uther: Welcome to Camelot. Gaius: Have we met before? Edwin: I doubt you would forget a face like mine, sir. Uther: Do you really believe you have a remedy? Edwin: There are not many ills that I have not seen and successfully treated, Sire. So when I heard of the Lady Morgana's sickness, I felt honour bound to offer my services. Gaius: You say you have a cure for all? An antidote for everything? Edwin: Yes. Although it is not quite as simple as that. Uther: Gaius is the court physician. Edwin: You are indeed a legend, sir. I am delighted to meet you. I am curious to know what it is that has affected her. Gaius: An infection of the brain. Edwin: And your treatment? Gaius: Yarrow. Edwin: Yes, yes. Gaius: Rosemary to stimulate cerebral circulation. Edwin: Interesting. Arthur: Why? What would you suggest? Edwin: No, no, no, that is all fine. All good. If that is... the right diagnosis. Uther: What would your diagnosis be? Edwin: Well, without examining the patient... Arthur: He should examine her. Edwin: I would need my equipment. Uther: Of course. You'll have use of one of the guest chambers. Arthur: And consider my manservant at your disposal. Edwin: I will start work immediately. Edwin's Guest Chamber Merlin sets down some of Edwin's equipment. Edwin: Yes...it was all originally designed for alchemy. Merlin: Making gold? Edwin: You have an interest in science? Merlin: Well, science is knowledge. Edwin: It has the answers to everything. Merlin: Maybe. It can't explain love. Edwin: So, you are in love? Merlin: No. I mean feelings, emotions. Edwin: You seem too bright to be just a servant. Merlin: Oh, don't be fooled, I'm not that bright. Edwin: Yes, we will need that. Now, we must hurry to the Lady Morgana. before it is too late. Morgana's Chambers Merlin and Edwin walk across the Square to Morgana's Chambers where Arthur and Uther are waiting. Edwin: Put my equipment over there. Sire, I would be grateful if you could have everyone leave the room. I require peace and privacy. Uther: Certainly. Edwin: That includes you, Gaius. Gaius: But I am eager to learn from your methods. Edwin: Now is not the time for giving instruction. I will need all my concentration. Uther: Gaius... Everyone leaves and Edwin pulls out the bug box. Gwen enters as he's about to take the bug out of Morgana. He stops and turns on her. Edwin: Why are you spying on me? Gwen: I wasn't. I'm her maidservant. Edwin: Then bring me some water. Gwen: Someone should be with her. Edwin: Do you want to be responsible for her death? Gwen: No, but... Edwin: Then you will bring me some water. Now. Or she may die. Gwen leaves. Edwin: Bebeode þe arisan áblinnen. Edwin pulls out the bug, dabs Morgana's bloody ear with a small cloth, and puts the bug back in the box with the others. Castle - Griffin Staircase Edwin descends the curved stairs to meet Uther, Arthur, Merlin, and Gaius. Edwin: Great news, Your Majesty. You will be glad to hear it is not an inflammation of the brain. Uther: What is it then? Edwin: It is cerebral haemorrhage. Gaius: Haemorrhage? I don't think so. Edwin: I found this trace of blood in her ear. Edwin shows them the bloody cloth. Uther: God in heaven. Edwin: The severity depends upon the site and volume of the bleed. If not treated, it can lead to coma, and eventually death. Uther: How could you have missed this? Gaius: I didn't see any blood. Edwin: Please. Just thank the fates that you did not administer more rosemary to stimulate the circulation. Can you imagine what that might have done? Uther turns to Gaius for explanation. Gaius: It may have increased the bleed. Uther: Is there a cure? Edwin: See for yourself. Morgana's Chambers Uther: Morgana, this is truly a miracle. Uther kisses her forehead. Uther: I thought... I really thought... Morgana: Oh, you won't get rid of me that easily. Gaius: What exactly did he give you? Morgana: I have no idea. But thank heaven he did. Castle - Central Corridor Gaius approaches Edwin as he walks down Corridor. Gaius: Edwin. I want to offer you my congratulations. Edwin: Thank you. Gaius: She was all but dead and you brought her back to life. How exactly did you do that? Edwin: I have developed an elixir for the treatment of just such an ailment. Gaius: I'd love to know the ingredients. Edwin: It is not yet perfected. You must give me more time before I make it public. Gaius: The injury to your face? Edwin: It happened when I was very young. Gaius: Perhaps it was I that treated you for it. Edwin: I told you before, we've never met. Gaius: Yes, of course. Well, I'll leave you to your work. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Edwin stands before Uther, Arthur, and Morgana. Uther: Name your reward. Edwin: I desire nothing more than the good health of my patient, Sire. Uther: There must be something I can do for you. Edwin: No. I will wait until the Lady Morgana is fully recovered, and then I will be on my way. Uther: Why don't you stay awhile? You could live here in the palace. Edwin: No. I - I feel I would be trespassing. And you already have a court physician. Gaius: I'm sure Gaius would be glad of your help. Edwin: It is a kind offer, but... Uther: Think about it. Dine with me later. Give me your decision then. Edwin: To dine with Your Majesty would be reward in itself. Edwin bows. Castle - Hall Of Records Gaius approaches Geoffrey of Monmouth. Geoffrey: Gaius! Gaius: Geoffrey. I'm here to ask a favour of you. Geoffrey: Well, anything for an old friend. Gaius: I wish to see the court records from the time of the Great Purge. Geoffrey: What possible need can you have for those? Gaius: I fear that the past may have come back to haunt us. Geoffrey: All the more reason to keep the records hidden. Gaius: I know that neither of us want to remember that time, but this is a matter of great urgency. Geoffrey: The records are sealed, they cannot be opened. Uther has forbidden it. Gaius: Geoffrey, I beg of you. Geoffrey: I'm sorry, Gaius. This time you ask too much. Even for me. Edwin's Guest Chamber Merlin knocks. Merlin: Edwin? Merlin enters the room and examines Edwin's equipment. He opens the bug box. They're still. He closes it reads the inscription on the cover. Merlin: Bebeode þe arisan ealdu. Merlin opens the box to see the bugs moving. Edwin: Very good. Merlin turns around, knocking over a jar with powder in it. he hands the box to Edwin. Edwin: Swefn. The bugs go still. Edwin: You have magic. Merlin: It wasn't me, I didn't do anything. Edwin: Then how else did you bring them to life? Only magic can do such a thing. These little angels are how I cured Lady Morgana. They repaired the damage to her brain. They saved her life. Magic can be a force for good. Merlin: I know. Edwin: Then why do you fear it? Merlin: Uther has banned it, it's not permitted. Edwin: Should I have let Morgana die? Merlin: No. Edwin: People like us, we have a gift. Do you not think it should be used to make this a better world? Merlin: Perhaps. Merlin tries to clear up the powder he spilled. Edwin: Don't waste your time picking that up. Feormian dærst rénian. The powder goes back in the jar. Edwin: Why waste a talent like that? And I can teach you. Merlin: Rǽdan ásce géatan The jar pours the powder into a bowl. Edwin: What do you use this for? Merlin: Gaius doesn't like me to. Edwin: A gift like yours should be nurtured, practised, enjoyed. You need someone to help you, to encourage you. Merlin: Perhaps. Edwin: Imagine what we could achieve, if we shared our knowledge. Merlin: I should be getting back. Edwin: Of course. But you must promise to keep our secret safe. Merlin: Of course. Edwin: People like you and I, we must look after each other. Gaius's Chambers Someone knocks. Gaius: Come in. Geoffrey of Monmouth enters with a large book covered in a cloth. Geoffrey: Gaius, you've been a good friend to me over the years, and you've done me many kindnesses. I can't deny you this one request. Gaius: The records? Geoffrey: I know you wouldn't ask unless it was important. Gaius: You must believe me, there's a great deal at stake. Geoffrey: If Uther were to discover this, he would kill us both. Gaius: It is for Uther's sake that I make the request. Trust me, please. Geoffrey hands Gaius the book. Gaius: Thank you, old friend. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Uther dines with Edwin. Uther: It's unlike Gaius to miss something like this. Edwin: We all make mistakes. Uther: Gaius is a great physician. Edwin: The very best. This is what I don't understand. Uther: What? Edwin: It's not for me to speak out of turn. Uther: You saved the life of my ward; you may speak as you wish. Edwin: He has been prescribing sleeping draughts for Morgana. Uther: She suffers from bad dreams. Edwin: Yes. But the dreams should have been a warning. Uther: You think the two may be connected? Edwin: Oh, yes. Uther: A symptom of the illness? Edwin: I am certain of it, yes. And those potions, they masked the problem, and allowed it to develop to the point where... Uther: She nearly died. If you hadn't come along when you did. Edwin: But I did and that is all that matters. Her life was saved... in the nick of time. Uther: Will you undertake a review of his work? Just to be on the safe side. Edwin: If it would put your mind at rest, Sire. Gaius's Chambers Gaius continues to read. Merlin: Have you been up all night? Gaius: Yes, but it was worth it. Where are you going? Merlin: Er, I told Edwin I'd be up at dawn to collect some supplies. Gaius: Well, you better get a move on then. Edwin's Guest Chambers Gaius enters. Gaius: Edwin. Your scar has healed well. I often wondered what happened to that poor young boy. Edwin: I told you we've never met before. I didn't realise who you were until I checked the records. You used your mother's maiden name. You are Gregor and Jaden's son. Edwin: They were friends of yours. Gaius: They were sorcerers. Edwin: They practised magic. And so did a lot of people back then, Gaius. Gaius: Uther will be furious when he finds out who you are. Edwin: Fine. Fine. Shall we tell him? Let's go and tell him. Let's tell him. Let's tell him everything. Ooh, I know... We could also tell him about Merlin. Gaius: Merlin? Edwin: You didn't know he was a sorcerer? Ah. I wonder what Uther will do. Probably have him burnt. Gaius: You would betray another sorcerer? Edwin: You did. When you turned a blind eye and let my parents die at the hands of Uther! At least Merlin doesn't have a son who will try to rescue him from the flames! Gaius: You're here to take revenge. Edwin: And I have waited a long time. Gaius: You think I will sacrifice the King to save Merlin? Edwin: Think about it, Gaius. But if I find out that you have told one other person, including the boy, I will go straight to Uther. Merlin enters. Merlin: I got your provisions. Edwin: Oh, thank you, Merlin. Gaius was just reminiscing about old times, weren't you, Gaius? Gaius: Yes. Edwin: But now, I must get back to work. Castle - Central Corridor Merlin: I'd better get on with my errands. Gaius: Yes, of course, you must. Merlin: Do you want me to get you anything? Gaius: No, I'm fine. Just do what Edwin asks. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Edwin stands before Uther, Morgana, and Arthur. Edwin: I have been through the court medical records with a fine-tooth comb, Sire. Uther: And were your findings satisfactory? Edwin: With regret, I would have to say they were not. Uther: How so? Edwin: Gaius is a great man, thorough, and dedicated. Uther: But? Edwin sighs. Edwin: His methods are outdated. He has failed to keep up with the latest developments. This has led to a number of errors. Uther: Gaius has served me well for 25 years. Edwin: And one cannot blame him for the infirmity those years have brought. Age can be a terrible curse. Uther: Perhaps it is time to lighten his burdens. Have you given any more thought to my offer? Edwin: Yes. I have considered it very carefully. Uther: Allow me some time to do the same. Edwin bows and exits. Uther gets up and goes to the table for a drink. Morgana follows him. Morgana: Uther, you can't do this. Uther: You heard what he said. Gaius is old, he makes mistakes. Morgana: Gaius has treated me since before I can remember. You can't cast him out. Uther: You would have died if your care had been left to him. That's something I could not bear. Morgana: I know that, but ... Uther: I cannot risk something like this happening again. Merlin's Chambers Gaius watches Merlin in his sleep. Gaius goes down the Tunnel Corridor to the Dragon's Cave with a torch. [SCENE_BREAK] Dragon's Cave Gaius: Hello? It is me, Gaius. The dragon flies up to the rock by the entrance. Kilgharrah: How old a man can become and yet change so little. Gaius: You have not changed either. Kilgharrah: Twenty years, almost a lifetime to make the short journey back to where you began. Gaius: I'm not here for myself. Kilgharrah: The boy? Gaius: You know about Merlin? Kilgharrah: You have struggled against his destiny, but you can no more prevent it than he can. Gaius: So, it is true then? Kilgharrah: Oh yes. He and the young Pendragon one day will unite the land of Albion. Gaius: But he is in danger. Kilgharrah: No. It is my gaoler who stands in peril. Gaius: Must Uther be sacrificed for the boy? Kilgharrah: Their time cannot come until his is past. Gaius: But is that time now? The dragon chuckles darkly. Kilgharrah: That is of your choosing. Gaius: I will not choose between them. Kilgharrah: Then turn a blind eye. That is, after all, your talent. Gaius's Chambers Gaius sits and ponders. Arthur: Gaius, my father needs to speak to you. Gaius: When? Arthur: Immediately. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Gaius: Sire. Is there a problem? Are you unwell? Uther: This is not an ailment you can treat me for. You've been a loyal servant for many years. I look on you as a friend. Gaius: I regard you in the same way, Sire. Uther: You've been here since Arthur's birth. And all that entailed. What I'm trying to do I think is best for you. Gaius: I'm confused, Sire. Uther: I'll give you a generous allowance; make sure you're looked after. Gaius: You're retiring me? Uther: I don't want you to worry. I'll allow you to continue living in your chambers until more suitable accommodation can be found. Gaius: Because I made one mistake? Although in truth, Sire, it was not a mistake. Gaius sees Edwin creep out from behind a column. Gaius: It was... Edwin: Yes Gaius? Uther: It was unfortunate, I accept that. Gaius: May I ask who is to be the next court physician? Uther: None of this was Edwin's idea. Initially, he turned down the offer. Gaius: I'm sure. Uther: It's not been an easy decision, but .... the younger man, new ideas. Gaius: Yes. Uther: You're hesitant. Is there a reason you oppose his appointment? Gaius: Sire... Edwin: If you have anything to say, then say it now, Gaius. Uther: This is difficult for both of us. Gaius: I thank you for your patronage. It has been an honour and a pleasure to serve your family, for all these years. Gaius's Chambers Merlin enters while Gaius is packing. Merlin: Gaius! Uther cannot do this to you. You tried to save Morgana. Gaius: Uther's not to blame. Merlin: I will speak to Edwin, you can work together. Gaius: No, you mustn't do anything. Merlin: I can't stand by and do nothing. Gaius: Uther's right. It's time I stepped down. Merlin sees him packing. Merlin: What are you doing? Gaius: I cannot stay when there's no longer a use for me. Merlin: You're not leaving? Gaius: I believe it's for the best. Merlin: Then I will come with you. Gaius: Merlin, you're like a son to me. I never expected such a blessing so late in life. Merlin: And you are more than a father to me. Gaius: Then, as a father, I must tell you, you must remain here. Camelot is where you belong. Merlin: But you belong here too. Gaius: Not anymore. Merlin, you must promise me you will not waste your gifts. Merlin: My gifts mean nothing without you to guide me. Gaius: You have a great destiny. If I have had a small part to play in that, then I'm pleased. Merlin: There is so much I have yet to learn. I need you to teach me. Gaius: I'm afraid I am leaving here tonight, Merlin. And there's nothing you can do or say that can persuade me otherwise. Merlin: I will not let this happen. Merlin exits. Gaius: Goodbye, Merlin. Training Grounds Merlin watches Arthur practice. Merlin: I can't understand why Uther would sack him over one mistake. Arthur: A mistake that nearly killed Morgana. Besides, it wasn't the only one. Merlin: What do you mean? Arthur: Edwin said his work was riddled with errors. Merlin: That's nonsense. Arthur: No one wants Gaius to go, but my father's made his decision. There's nothing anyone can do. Castle - Corridor Uther walks with Edwin in the castle. Uther: I think you'll be very happy here. Edwin: I'm sure I will. When I reviewed Gaius's work, I noticed that he's been prescribing you arnica. Uther: It's for, er, my shoulder, it's an old battle wound. It gives me a lot of pain. Edwin: May I take the liberty of providing a new prescription? It should prove far more effective. Uther: Really? Edwin: Oh, yes. It is a remedy to cure all ills. Camelot - Lower Town Gwen sees Gaius lead a horse out of the main gate while she buys fruit from a stall. Gwen: Gaius? You're leaving? Gaius: Yes, I'm sorry I didn't come and say goodbye. Gwen: I don't want you to go. I don't trust Edwin. There was no blood in Morgana's ear, he put it there. He did something to her, I know he did. Gaius: You need to be careful who you say that to. Gwen: I'm saying it to you because you can do something about it. Gaius: I can't. Gwen: But you think the same, don't you? He's evil. Gaius: It's not that simple. Gwen: So you're going to turn your back on us? Gaius: I have no choice, I'm sorry Gwen. Gwen: In life you always have a choice. Sometimes it's easier to think that you don't. Gaius: Well, then. My choice is to leave. Gwen: Then I'll miss you. Gwen kisses Gaius on the cheek. Gwen: Goodbye Gaius. Uther's Chambers Uther drinks a potion and passes out on the bed. Forest Gaius sits by a campfire in the woods. Uther's Chambers Edwin leans over Uther's bed as Uther wakes from his drug induced sleep. Edwin: My Lord. My Lord. It seems the drugs I gave you have taken hold. Your body is now paralysed. Now, open your eyes, My Lord. I want my face to be the last face you ever see. You took my childhood from me. And now finally, I take my parents' revenge. Within a few hours, the beetle will eat into your brain. And you will suffer, as they suffered. And I long to hear you scream, as they screamed the night you gave the order for the fires to be lit. With your death, magic will return to Camelot. Bebeode þe arisan ealdu. The bug crawls into Uther's ear. Edwin: Goodbye, Uther Pendragon. Edwin's Guest Quarters Edwin enters. Gaius: I will not allow you to kill Uther. Edwin: You've never had a problem letting people die before. Gaius: Your parents were practising dark magic, just like you. Edwin: And how do you propose to stop me? Gaius: Wáce ierlic. Nothing happens. Edwin: Hmm. I think you meant: vaki ierlt. The spell throws Gaius against the wall. Edwin: Have you forgotten everything, Gaius? You're getting too old. I have a cure though. Forbærne yfel. The spell encircles Gaius in flames. Castle - Griffin Staircase Arthur runs in as Merlin descends the curved stairs. Arthur: Merlin! My father has Morgana's illness! We must find Edwin! Edwin's Guest Chamber Merlin bursts in. Merlin: What are you doing? Gaius: He was trying to kill the King. I couldn't let him. Edwin: I can rule the kingdom now. And with you at my side, we can be all-powerful. Merlin: Release him! Edwin: It's your loss, Merlin. Edwin's spell throws an axe at Merlin, but Merlin stops it. Edwin: Swilte, Merlin. Merlin's magic overpowers Edwin's. Merlin sends the axe to kill Edwin and the flames disappear. Merlin: Are you alright? Gaius: Yes. Thank you Merlin. Merlin fetches the bug box. Gaius: What are you doing? Merlin: Uther's ill; the same thing Morgana had. Edwin said he used these to cure Morgana. Maybe we can too. Gaius: Elanthia beetles. Merlin: They're magical? Gaius: Yes. They can be enchanted to enter the brain, feed on it until they devour the person's very soul. We must going to him. Uther's Chambers (Night) Merlin: How do we get the beetle out before it kills him? Gaius: It can only be magic. Merlin: We can't use magic on Uther, he'd kill us. Gaius: We don't have a choice. Merlin: Gaius! Gaius: There are times when it is necessary. It is your right. Merlin: I don't know how. Gaius: If you don't, he's going to die. Merlin sits on the bed and places his hands over Uther's ears. Merlin: Bebeode þe arisan ealdu. Áblinnen. Gaius: What's happening? Merlin pulls his hands back, holding the still bug in his hand. Gaius: Has anyone ever told you, you're a genius? Merlin: You certainly haven't. Uther's Chambers (Day) Gaius prepares a potion for Uther the next morning. Gaius: Drink this. It'll help regain your strength. Uther: There's nothing wrong with my strength. Do you remember them? His parents? Gaius: I remember them all, Sire. Uther: Gaius. Once again, you saved my life. You've always served me well. And I know there are things that I've asked you to do, which you found difficult. Gaius: You've always done what you believe to be right. Uther: I was not right to betray you. I'm sorry. From now on I will remember that, in the fight against magic, you are the one person I can trust. Castle - Council Chamber Of Doom Gaius stands before the royal court. Uther: I, my family, and my kingdom are deeply indebted to you. And in honour of this, I not only reinstate you as court physician, but henceforth, you are a free man of Camelot. Uther hands Gaius a roll of parchment and the court applauds. Camelot - Lower Town Gaius: Of course, it's all ridiculous. I didn't save Uther, you did. Merlin: No, no. For once, I'm happy for someone else to take the credit. You were prepared to sacrifice your life to save me. Gaius: Where do you get that from? Merlin: I thought... Gaius: No. I didn't do anything. You saved me and you saved Uther. Maybe you are a genius. Merlin: You think so? Gaius: Well, almost. One day.

Morgana falls ill with an unidentified brain disease which Gaius is unable to cure. A mysterious healer, Edwin, proves that his 'remedy to cure all ills' seemingly helps her, but actually removes the cursed black beetle that caused the illness. Uther retires Gaius and instates Edwin as the new court physician. Gaius secretly gets court archivist Geoffrey to give him access to the sealed records of Uther's purge of magic, proving Edwin's parents were executed as sorcerers. Edwin threatens to expose Merlin if Gaius tells Uther, leaving Gaius with an impossible choice. After consulting with the Great Dragon, Gaius decides to step down and leave Camelot (calling Merlin the 'son he never had'). Edwin uses another beetle to condemn Uther to an agonizing death. Gaius returns at the last minute, but it takes Merlin to save the day.

fd_Haunted_Case_Files_01x01

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Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments. [ woman screams ] This house is beyond haunted. Narrator: Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was a evil presence in that house. Oh [bleep] What the hell? I got goose bumps. Right here. Narrator: In one small town, a funeral home's dark past comes back to haunt an investigator. [ breathing heavily ] Instead of burying the bodies properly, they started burying them in the walls. Narrator: In an Ohio mansion, a father-daughter team capture startling evidence of a spirit moving a ball across the floor. Man: Can you roll the ball over here, please? Oh, boy. Narrator: Also in Ohio, a group of ghost hunters are threatened by a powerful force. [ woman screams ] You know, they're stronger than we are. Narrator: In rural Ohio, outside of the small town of trinway, stands prospect place. Built in 1856 by railroad tycoon and abolitionist George Adams. The 29-room mansion sits on a 14,000-acre estate. Abraham Lincoln is said to have been a guest. The family's fortunes changed after Adams died in 1879, and the mansion was left abandoned some 50 years after being built. When George Adams' great-great-grandson started to restore the home in 2001, the renovations seemed to unleash something terrifying. Constructions workers were terrorized by apparitions, unexplained noises, and overwhelming feelings of dread. They stopped work and fled. There are all sorts of accounts in the mansion, hearing whispering, seeing shadow figures, being touched or poked, scratched. Narrator: Now the owner wants to start renovating again, but this time, he calls in paranormal investigators first. Father-daughter team Alan and Anna Tolf have been doing battle with the paranormal for five years. Alan is a former police officer, while Anna has degrees in psychology and biomedical science. They cannot wait to put their skills to the test at prospect place. Alan: It's just a beautiful place, and it had some very dark stories. We really were interested in investigating there. I was excited to get into it. I was very excited to start investigating. I knew something was there, and I wanted to do all I could to try and capture it and learn as much about it as I could. Narrator: Alan and Anna want to know what they're getting into. They research the history of the house and learn they may be headed into a world of trouble. Alan: Prior to investigating, we were aware that there had been squatters that had utilized the house for, you know, satanic rituals. [ eerie whispering ] The satanic rituals caused a big uproar in the activity in the home. Narrator: As they start their investigation, Alan and Anna are on high alert. Alan: Being in there, you feel vulnerable. [ door creaks ] Anna: Walking in it, it felt like there was a presence there with us. [ banging ] Narrator: It's not long before their suspicions are realized. [ banging continues ] Heard what sounded like a baseball bat being smacked against the wall. [ banging continues ] And we're alone in the mansion at that point. Hearing that was extremely startling. [ banging continues ] Narrator: Cautiously, Alan and Anna head to the source of the banging. We went directly to the staircase. Could not find anything or anyone. Narrator: The Tolfs want to capture hard evidence of any further paranormal activity. Anna: I'm just gonna go a little bit closer. Ended up setting a camera which was just one of our static night-vision cameras, just set at the end of the hall, facing our equipment. Check this out real quick and see. As I'm walking back towards the camera, a large, misty, white, billowy -- It was like a cloudy ball kind of forms in the back, in the darkness. You can see it move out and around. So it kind of avoids the light of the monitor and stays along the wall and goes in back behind it. Anna: Oh, we just had an orb fly right at you, papa. Did you see the huge orb? Yeah. In the paranormal community, orbs are controversial. An orb being potentially a ball of energy, and we can debunk this as not being dust because of the way this moved. Narrator: In the face of the intensifying activity, Alan and Anna cautiously head to the ballroom... The site of the reported devil worship. Alan: There were some dark-type, potentially satanic rituals held in the ballroom. We're entering the ballroom and immediately just feel a heavier feeling. Dad, check this out. Alan: Oh, boy. Narrator: They discover signs the devil worshipers had tried to protect themselves from whatever demons they had unleashed. Alan: There was a cross painted on the wall to try to seal what was opened. Narrator: For their own safety and peace of mind, the Tolfs decide to check if anything evil still remains. Alan: We began a spirit box session up in the ballroom. A spirit box is an am/fm radio that has been modified to sweep through frequencies at variable rates of speed. The concept is that a spirit or ghost, entity of sorts, could grab on to sounds and utilize those to form words. Anna: It's one of my favorite pieces of equipment to utilize just because you can hear them right then and there. We were hoping to identify what it was that was up there. Narrator: Alan and Anna don't have to wait long to find out. The atmosphere of the room quickly darkens. Alan: What is that? Stick your head out. Please? Narrator: The Tolfs believe an entity is in the room with them. To prove for certain, they devise a test. They place balls on the floor and challenge the spirit to move them. Alan: Can you roll the ball over here, please? Anna: Can you kick that ball back? Alan: Oh, boy. Narrator: A black ball starts to roll. This means the entity is very powerful. Then the spirit box captures a threatening voice. Narrator: In a derelict mansion's ballroom, father-daughter team Alan and Anna Tolf are in the presence of a powerful spirit. It's strong enough to move a ball across the floor. And when it speaks, its message is chilling. Anna: What was that? And the tenor in his voice indicated he was probably an older man. Narrator: A large, black shadow appears on the ceiling. Anna: It's following dad. Alan: It was scary. In my mind, I feared that it could potentially have an impact or hurt Anna or myself. Narrator: Alan and Anna decide it's time to move on to other areas of the mansion. Man: Hear you, hear you, now I'm gonna get you. Go over to the left a bit. Narrator: On the second floor, they set up cameras to try to capture footage of any more entities in the house. Is this a good frame, Anna? Yeah, that looks good right there. Anna: We ended up setting our command post in the hallway outside of these bedrooms. Alan: I ended in Anna Adams' room. Narrator: Anna Adams was the eldest daughter of the mansion's original owner, George Adams. Alan: We positioned the camera to capture the largest portion of the bedroom, and now I'm just kind of fine-tuning it. Anna: I was watching the monitor, and... From my perspective, first I hear dad holler, and then I see the camera going down. [ Alan shouting ] Dad! He was shaken up, for sure. Obviously, I freak out. I was extremely concerned. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I didn't know what had happened. Two fists push against my chest quickly but enough to knock me backwards into a large closet space. It was a very, uh... violent type push, shove. Aah! It was a very frightening experience. I mean, I'd not been physically handled in that fashion or pushed by anything like that. I did feel like maybe we had bit off a little bit more than we could chew. [ hissing, shouting ] Aah! I believe it to be Anna Cox Adams. I believe she was angry. She didn't particularly care for men in her bedroom. I don't think she was happy that I was in there and in there for the time that I was. [ hissing ] Aah! Anna: To be able to force a man with my dad's stature, that would take a significant amount of energy. At that point, I was getting obviously concerned for my dad's safety. Narrator: After the shock of the attack, Alan and Anna head to what they hope is the sanctuary of the basement. A friendlier spirit is said to be present there. Alan: There were reports of a child, a little girl, and her name was mary, and she was playing on a balcony. She had fallen from the second floor to her death. [ girl screams, body thuds ] Narrator: It was a bitter winter, and the ground was too hard to dig a grave. So they couldn't bury her, and they actually kept her in the basement. Alan: A basement is a dark, kind of damp place, but in entering, it didn't feel that way. Almost playful. Anna: I definitely could feel her presence. I knew a little girl was there. It was soft and gentle and kind, you could tell, innocent. [ ominous music plays ] Narrator: Suddenly, the investigators feel the atmosphere turn threatening, as if the little-girl ghost has been shoved aside by something dark and malevolent. I start feeling, um... just a dark, heavy feeling. Alan: And then Anna started expressing to me that, "dad, something just touched my back." Ow! What was that? I don't know. Something on my neck. Anna: I was scratched. I was absolutely terrified. I couldn't see it. If you can't see it, how are you gonna defend yourself? That was my biggest fear. Narrator: Worse is yet to come. He put the digital camera down to grab his video camera. Narrator: Alan installed fresh batteries just moments ago, but his camera isn't working. The battery's dead. Alan: And it was gone. I mean, it sucked it down. It was gone. Whatever it was used energy from my battery. Ow! What's happening? My leg! Alan: At that point, she's saying, "dad, dad, it's grabbing my leg." Aah! Narrator: In the basement of an old mansion, Alan and Anna Tolf have run into the friendly spirit of a little girl. Ow! But she is soon overpowered by another, far darker entity that launches an attack on Anna. Ow! What's happening? My leg! You really just feel defenseless and vulnerable. Narrator: Whatever demonic spirit is down here has sucked all the energy from Alan's camera battery. But Anna's camera still works, and she records a terrifying encounter. Anna: It's doing it. It's doing it. What? It's doing it. You're gonna [bleep] when you watch this video. Anna: Thank goodness I got it on camera. You can clearly see the indentation on my leg of the fingers. It got tighter, and it was stronger. It's doing it. It's doing it. What? It's doing it. Alan: I could see an imprint of a large hand squeezing her calf. Ow! Aah! And you can just see the imprint of four fingers and then coming around a thumb, and it, um... They almost don't look human because they're so long. Just scared to death, honestly, that I didn't know what was gonna happen. Words don't describe what a father feels. I did tell it to get its hands off of her, to get away from her. I was pissed. Look at my leg. I have it on video doing it. Keep videotaping. Swear to god. What? It's doing it. It's doing it. It's doing it. After maybe 15 seconds, I said, "we need to go." I was afraid for her. I was afraid -- That's hard to talk about that. It really is. Narrator: Reeling from the attack, Alan and Anna feel they've had enough. We ended our session and went outside, said a prayer, and blessed each other with holy water. Narrator: Although bumped and bruised by the most aggressive spirits they've ever encountered, Alan and Anna believe they have come away with answers. Anna: By the end of our investigations, we both concluded that the energy in the mansion was overwhelmingly sinister. Anna Adams was a very bitter and angry woman. She didn't enjoy us being there. Aah! Aah! Narrator: But some questions remain unanswered. I think there's a darker entity, and I don't think it was ever human, based on the evidence that we gathered. I hate to say it was demonic, but it didn't feel human. Alan: Seeing my daughter being grabbed physically and an imprint, that's something that is imprinted in my brain for the rest of my life. Narrator: Still to come, a powerful and angry spirit refuses to leave its home. Her anger is at another level in the afterlife, and she's pissed off. [ woman screams ] Narrator: But first, a demon tries to frighten off an investigator... and then won't leave her alone. [ screaming ] [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: This house in Bruce County, Ontario, on the shore of Lake Huron, has a colorful past. It has served as a restaurant, a funeral home, and now a private residence. The current homeowner, Susan Johnson, is experiencing eerie events. There are strange moving shadows and rapping sounds from inside the walls. [ banging ] When the doors open and close on their own, Susan starts to worry. [ door opens ] Desrochers: She was concerned. She was nervous. I could feel the anxiety in her voice. Narrator: Susan calls in Michelle Desrochers. A paranormal investigator, Michelle was born into a family of psychics, giving her a special sensitivity to the spirit world. She has investigated dozens of cases. I have been actively researching ghosts and hauntings since 2004. What I've learned about the paranormal is that things are not always what they seem to be. Narrator: Michelle knows she should never go into a haunting unprepared. Desrochers: My plan going in was to try to accumulate as much information as I could. [ music box playing ] The music box on one of the fireplaces used to go off by itself all the time. Narrator: Michelle also discovers that, decades ago, the original occupants of the house suffered a terrible tragedy. The story goes that two of the children were pushed down the stairs to their deaths. [ music stops, children scream ] It was not uncommon to hear a voice on the stairs saying, "hurry up. He's coming." hurry up. He's coming. Hurry up. A little girl's voice. The homeowner would hear all these things all the time. It became part of everyday life. Narrator: Michelle agrees to investigate the lake house and brings along fellow investigator Patrick Cross. Upon entering the home, I felt a heavy presence. I just felt there was a heavy kind of load or something. I could feel something at the top of the stairs. The sensation of it was just so overwhelming for me that I actually started to feel a pressure in my head, and I knew at that point that this was gonna be a really special place. Narrator: This house is more special than Michelle can imagine. [ loud jazz music plays ] I wasn't in the house five minutes and the whole sound system went on in the house. Cross: It was actually playing '40s music that was kind of odd. Desrochers: I watched the homeowner try to turn it off. Narrator: But the team makes an alarming discovery. [ retro music continues ] It's not plugged in. Narrator: The homeowner had previously unplugged her sound system and TV to avoid just this kind of activity. [ music stops ] Cross: Then it just stopped. Desrochers: Whatever it was wanted to be noticed. This is like nothing I have ever investigated before. Narrator: Michelle and Patrick split up. Patrick stays downstairs while Michelle goes to the master bedroom. She hopes to experience the strange knocking sounds that homeowner Susan has reported. I could hear knocking behind my -- my head. [ knocking ] Something was already in the room with me. [ knocking continues ] All of a sudden, I feel something down by my feet. I look down, the blanket was coming up my legs. Something was pulling the blanket up. [ breathing heavily ] This thing was crazy. This house is beyond haunted. Narrator: Shaken but undeterred, Michelle takes a moment to recover from her encounter before rejoining Patrick and the homeowner. Desrochers: I come back to the very back part of the house. Cross: There was a big TV on the floor. And everybody's kind of standing there, like, shocked. Nobody's talking. They're just staring. I saw an image of some man or something coming in from the TV. Narrator: While investigating a lakeside house, Michelle Desrochers and Patrick Cross experience a level of paranormal activity they've never encountered before. This thing was crazy. This house is beyond haunted. Narrator: Now they're watching in shock as a terrifying apparition appears. I saw an image of some man or something coming in from the TV. Narrator: This is not some scary program that happens to be on. There's no power on. It's unplugged. There is no way anything could come through that television. Something started walking from a side profile. You could see kind of, like, horns on the top of his head. You could just see it moving around as if it was trying to get out. And I just felt all the hairs on the back of my neck go up. I just froze. [ growling ] We could actually hear an animal sound, like a growling or a low growling. [ growling ] It was something that was trying to get at our attention to know it was there. It could be demonic. [ growling ] Desrochers: They're scary. They are there with intent to harm, period. Narrator: To determine if the entity can be removed, Michelle and Patrick first try to make contact with it. Make yourselves known. I hear something going down the steps but in a hurry -- Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch! I look around, nobody on the stairs. Everybody experienced this whole flurry of wind flying around. It was just wind everywhere started coming through. [ wind howling, table banging ] Desrochers: The table started to vibrate and move back and forth. I felt like I was in a hurricane. It was just totally bizarre. Sounds and voices and growling and just kind of, like, scratching on the table. [ growling ] And a growly, gremlin type of voice... [ tapping ] .. and this table's going dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, like this. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Cross: All the candles just went out. We're all in the dark. The only thing with enough power to move a large piece of furniture, theoretically, would be a demon, which we already know was there. Narrator: Michelle and Patrick check the camera that has been taking pictures during the session. The image sends shivers down their spines. There was a being there with small horns, a snout, and white under the eyes. I feel very confident in saying that it is the same demonic creature that we saw in the big-screen TV that day. I was pretty freaked out. I was pretty scared. There was a life-force about this house that I've never experienced before and I've never experienced since. Narrator: Michelle and Patrick cleanse the house. But the spirits are so strong that the activity soon returns. Desrochers: The house was eventually sold, and the person who purchased it never set foot in the house, and the house was sold yet again. And from what I hear, still very active. Narrator: Not even Michelle could escape the demon's attention. [ phone rings ] Desrochers: The current homeowner phoned me one day. She said, "I have to step outside for just a minute. Would you mind? I'm just gonna put the phone right down here." I went, "okay. Whatever." [ growling ] Something comes on, growling. It's like it learned how to use the phone. Because all of a sudden, my phone is getting messages. It was growling, hissing. And one of those messages, in a real creepy voice, said, "you know he looks for you at night." Man: He looks for you at night. I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. I have investigated a lot of places. I've never, ever had something come through the phone at me, something like this. I've done crazy places. This place stands above many of them. [ growls ] Narrator: Sometimes a person can be so attached to their home that, even when they die, they still won't move out. And that can cause all kinds of trouble for whoever moves in next. Halfway between cleveland and toledo sits the small town of Cyde, Ohio. Real-estate agent Mavis Fitzpatrick and her husband are renting a house here while they look for a place to buy. But shortly after moving in, they are confronted by bizarre and disturbing activity. Mavis hears whispers in empty rooms. Objects start to move on their own. Aah! Aah! Narrator: Then, one night, while Mavis is sleeping... something creeps into her bedroom. [ woman screams ] [ Mavis screams ] [ dog barking ] Narrator: Real-estate agent Mavis Fitzpatrick and her husband have just moved into a house in Cyde, Ohio. They soon wish they hadn't. A hostile entity is making their lives hell. [ Mavis screams ] Terror-stricken, Mavis reaches out to paranormal investigator Karlo Zuzic for help. It was one of the strangest e-mails I've ever received. "Please, please, please, please, please, please call me. I need help. Please." and then she gave me her number. Narrator: A veteran of hundreds of investigations, Karlo Zuzic is a member of orbs, the Ohio researchers of banded spirits. He knows what it's like to be plagued by ghosts. Zuzic: From the time I was 8 years old, I knew I was living in a haunted house. Growing up and being tormented in my house, you know, I didn't have anybody to turn to, so I wanted to be that person for others and help them. Narrator: Karlo agrees to help Mavis and heads to Cyde with his team, including co-investigators Amy Cobb and Chris Page. She was very desperate about having us come out and do an investigation. She just was -- you know, wanted us to come out now. The house was a normal, everyday american home until you realize the terror that's going on behind the walls. [ doorbell rings ] Narrator: Wanting to know what he will be going up against, Karlo asks Mavis to tell him every detail of the hauntings. Zuzic: She gave us a description of all the activity, where it was happening, what she experienced. And you could see it in her face, the fear. This woman was terrified. [ woman screams ] [ Mavis screams ] Narrator: Mavis describes the woman she sees at night. Zuzic: She looked very nasty. She was yelling. I mean, you could see her facial features. She was pointing at her. She had so much anger. This woman was pissed. Narrator: Karlo and his team begin the investigation. With us coming in, you could feel this energy, this presence that's in there. The hair on your neck, the hair on your arm stands up. You feel the electricity going through you. You get the chills. That's what I was feeling going to this location. Narrator: Karlo is using a thermal imaging camera which shows images based on temperature rather than visible light. I had just managed to hit record. Thank god I did. I'm looking at the screen, and I see something moving towards the bedroom, and I look up... and I was like, "Guys, I just saw somebody walk in this bedroom. I just saw it." Who's walking in front of us? There's no one. It's just us. I was freaked out, as well. I was looking on his thermal gun, and you could see it looked like a lady, kind of hunched over like this, like she was going inside the doorway. I know I'm not crazy, so I played it back, and sure enough, it looks like an older, hunched-over lady walking into the bedroom. It was just so amazing. At the same time, it was scary. Narrator: Cautiously, Karlo follows the apparition into the bedroom. But he's in for a big surprise. Zuzic: We looked in there, and there's nobody in there. That sent the chills right through my body. I was shocked. I know what I saw, and, to me, I saw that old lady that that woman was experiencing. Narrator: Suddenly, Karlos' K-II meter starts to blink. It measures electromagnetic fields associated with paranormal activity. And as soon as they lit up, we hear this bang. I was like, "What the hell was that?" Cobb: So, we went, took off, and went into the other room to find out what it was. As we entered the room, here it was a battery. Zuzic: You could tell that something was thrown. I mean, 'cause you hear it hit the wall, and then it hit the ground. Cobb: And you could see there was an indent in the wall, and it had to have taken a lot of force for her to throw that battery across the room and make the indent in the wall. It was getting mad. It was mad that we're in its room. Now it wants us out, and it's throwing things. To me, this tells me this spirit is very strong. Her anger is at another level in the afterlife, and she's pissed off. She wanted us out. Narrator: The violent nature of the activity puts everyone on edge. I was in fear for my crew that if we didn't tread lightly and watch how we approached it, how we said things to this spirit that was there, that something could turn ugly, that we actually could get injured. Her energy level's getting stronger and stronger and stronger and more mad. Narrator: Karlo checks the audio tapes from the time the battery was thrown. What he hears is alarming. You could clearly hear a woman's voice say, "get out." This spirit's warning me to leave. At any moment, this thing could lash out and hurt me. Narrator: While investigating a haunting in a family home, Karlo Zuzic and his team have run into an angry female spirit. And now she's threatening them from beyond the grave. Karlo suspects the spirit might have once lived in the house. He asks the current tenant, Mavis Fitzpatrick, about the previous occupants. The answer is revealing. It was an older lady. She was a nasty lady. Cobb: A very mean lady. She was mean to adults, to children. She would throw urine on the kids. We believe that who you are in life is who you are in death. If you're mean and nasty in life, that's how you're gonna be in the afterlife. One day, I guess she was walking on the porch and she fell. She laid there for two days. No help. Zuzic: The son actually came over to check on her, and they took her to the hospital. She did die a few days later after that. That kind of traumatic experience can leave a lot of energy there. She's lived there for 40-plus years. You know, that was her home. That energy's gonna stay there. You're gonna leave that imprint behind. Narrator: With their tape recorder running, Karlo tries to contact the old lady's spirit. We're asking questions like, "Why are you so nasty? What's your issue with this family here? You know, they're a loving family. They just want to make a home. Why are you bothering them?" Why are you here? During the session, I actually forgot the woman's name, and I was like, "Bertha or whatever your name is." I was blurting out all these names. Bertha... Is that your name? Bertha? Am I right? Can you touch that green light there? [ indistinct whisper ] You could hear this old lady's raspy voice correct me, and it says, "Benita." I got the chills. I mean, the chill just ran through my whole body. I'm thinking, "this woman's actually correcting me." This is an intelligent spirit. And the next thing you know, we hear choom choom choom choom, like, this banging sound. [ banging ] And I was like, "what the hell is that?" [ banging continues ] Narrator: Unsure where the sound is coming from, the team heads to the basement. [ banging continues ] I just kind of really want to turn around and go out, 'cause it's scary. You don't know how strong this spirit is, what their intentions are. Narrator: Now the noise seems to be coming from outside. Zuzic: We ran to the porch area. There's nobody there. So we went back downstairs, and you hear it again. It's almost like her residual energy was still in that location, banging and banging and banging, like, trying to get somebody's attention. [ banging continues ] She's still banging, she's still trapped up there, looking for help. [ distorted voice ] help! Narrator: Worried about the hostility and strength of the spirit, Karlo and his team perform a cleansing. Chris and I would go room to room. We'd do our prayer. I put the holy water on each location, any opening. [ banging continues ] My goal is to move the spirit out of this home, you know, to give the family their home back. Narrator: But the ghost doesn't want to leave. I've personally never seen a spirit this strong. It's almost like trying to push you back as you're trying to go, and it's just like a force. It was, uh -- it was fearful. Definitely fearful. Zuzic: This spirit didn't care what we were doing. It stood its ground and said, "Look, I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right where I'm at." And that's where you come into a problem with spiritual warfare. You know, they're stronger than we are. [ banging continues ] Narrator: The cleanse reduces the spirit's power, but Karlo cannot remove it completely. Page: When we told them the evidence that we caught, it actually reassured them that, no, they weren't crazy, that what they were witnessing was, you know, truly happening to them. Zuzic: I felt bad because usually that works, but when you've got a strong presence like you have in that home, we may have to come back. And, unfortunately, they don't want to wait long enough. They pack their stuff, and they've only lived there two months, and they did end up moving. Narrator: As far as Karlo is aware, the spirit still lurks in the house. It sits home, and that's where it stands. [ woman screams ]

A funeral home's dark past comes back to haunt an investigator. Another team investigates a crumbling mansion and is terrorized by the angry spirit of a scorned wife. And in Ohio, the spirit of a former owner has returned to threaten the new homeowner.

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THE PIRATE PLANET BY: DOUGLAS ADAMS Part One Running time: 25:05 [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Mister Fibuli! Mister Fibuli! By all the x-ray storms of Vega, where is that nincompoop? TANNOY: Calling Mister Fibuli. Mister Fibuli required on the bridge immediately. CAPTAIN: Moons of madness, why am I encumbered with incompetents? FIBULI: Captain, sir. CAPTAIN: Your report, Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: Yes, sir. I have it. CAPTAIN: Is thirty seconds late. FIBULI: Yes, sir. CAPTAIN: My qualities are many, Mister Fibuli. FIBULI: Oh, yes, sir. I CAPTAIN: But an infinite capacity for patience is not amongst them. FIBULI: I apologise most abjectly, Captain, but I do have good news, sir. CAPTAIN: I hope you do. FIBULI: Well, sir, all deposits of the minerals voolium, galdrium and assetenite four five five have now been mines, processed and stored, sir. Good quantities of aluminas, the usual, sir. Carbon isotopes, etcetera, etcetera. And the residue has been processed CAPTAIN: In the normal way. FIBULI: Way. Here is a list of the minerals, sir. CAPTAIN: Pah! Baubles. Baubles! Dross and baubles! We must find vasilium. We must find madranite one five. FIBULI: Well, sir, we have located a new source. CAPTAIN: Excellent. Excellent. FIBULI: That's what caused the delay, Captain. We wanted to be absolutely certain. It's in an unexpected sector. Here, let me show you this chart. CAPTAIN: We'll mine it. Make immediate preparations. FIBULI: Well, there is something rather curious, Captain. Here is a detailed description of the sector. CAPTAIN: I said we'll mine it, Mister Fibuli! FIBULI: But sir CAPTAIN: Make immediate preparations now or I'll have your bones bleached. Is that clear? FIBULI: Aye, aye, Captain. Thank you, sir. CAPTAIN: Hear this. Now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN (OOV.): Citizens, prepare yourselves. Watch for the omens. I declare a new golden age of prosperity for all. CITIZENS: Hooray! CAPTAIN (OOV.): I say again, I declare the dawning of a new golden age of prosperity. CITIZENS: Hooray! CAPTAIN: Watch for the omens. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN (OOV.): The mines will once again be full of riches. CITIZENS: Hooray. CAPTAIN (OOV.): Richer jewels. CITIZENS: Hooray! CAPTAIN: Finer clothes. CITIZENS: Hooray! CAPTAIN: Food in greater abundance. CITIZENS: Hooray! CAPTAIN: Wealth beyond the dreams of avarice will be yours. CITIZENS: Hooray! MENTIAD: Brothers, are we agreed? BROTHERS: Oh yes. MENTIAD: We have found another. Brothers, the days grow dark. The time of evil is once more come. We must prepare. BROTHERS: We must prepare. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: There you are, K9. The first segment of the Key to Time. A job well done. K9: Correction, master. A job well done to the extent of naught point one six six six six six DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. The others will be easy. A piece of cake. K9: Piece of cake, master? DOCTOR: Mmm. K9: Piece of cake. Radial segment of baked confection. Coefficient and relevance to the Key of Time, zero. DOCTOR: That's what I said, K9. Piece of cake. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Good morrow, Romana. That looks interesting. ROMANA: Good morning, Doctor. DOCTOR: What are you reading? ROMANA: Oh, just familiarising myself with the technical details of this capsule. DOCTOR: Capsule? What kind of a word is that? If you mean TARDIS, why don't you say TARDIS? ROMANA: The Type Forty capsule wasn't on the main syllabus, you see. DOCTOR: Not on the syllabus. I don't know what the Academy's coming to these days. ROMANA: Veteran and vintage vehicles was an optional extra. I preferred something more interesting. DOCTOR: Really? Like what? ROMANA: Oh, the lifecycle of the Gallifreyan flutterwing. DOCTOR: Now you're being frivolous. ROMANA: I wouldn't dream of it. DOCTOR: Oh, no! ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: How paralysingly dull, boring and tedious. ROMANA: Oh, our next destination? DOCTOR: Yes. Calufrax. ROMANA: Calufrax? DOCTOR: Yes. Mean little planet. Still. Listen, why don't you watch while I set the coordinate on this vintage veteran of mine? Maybe you'll learn something. ROMANA: Right. Er, Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? ROMANA: What about the synchronic feedback checking circuit? DOCTOR: What about it? ROMANA: Aren't you going to set it? DOCTOR: No, no, no. I never bother about that. Complete waste of time. ROMANA: Oh. According to the manual, it's essential. DOCTOR: Listen, have you any idea how long I've been operating this TARDIS? ROMANA: Five hundred and twenty three years. DOCTOR: Right! Is it really that long? My, how time flies. ROMANA: Hasn't it. And the multiloop stabiliser? DOCTOR: What? ROMANA: Multiloop stabiliser. It says here, on any capsule it will be found impossible to effect a smooth materialisation without first activating the multiloop stabiliser. DOCTOR: Oh. Absolute rubbish. DOCTOR: Now, I'll show you a really smooth materialisation without a multiloop anything. Watch this. Calufrax, here we come. ROMANA: What's happening? DOCTOR: She won't materialise. K9: Danger, master, danger. DOCTOR: Of course, K9, of course. Ow! ROMANA: Something wrong? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Nothing at all. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Imbeciles! Fools! Thrice worse than incompetent idiots! What pernicious injury have you inflicted on my precious engines! Mister Fibuli! FIBULI: Captain. CAPTAIN: Are you trying to scuttle this planet? FIBULI: No, sir. I've run a quick inspection, sir, and the, er, the actual damage isn't as bad as we CAPTAIN: Do not trifle with me, Mister Fibuli. What happened? FIBULI: As far as we can tell, sir, some freak local disturbance, probably electromagnetic. CAPTAIN: What? FIBULI: It passed very quickly. CAPTAIN: Idle prattlings, Mister Fibuli. I will know the truth! CAPTAIN: Oscilloscope readings. There, Mister Fibuli, there's your local electromagnetic disturbance. What do you make of those readings? FIBULI: That's extraordinary. CAPTAIN: See? For ten seconds the entire fabric of the space time continuum was ripped apart. Panaccenteration readings, critical overload, every system jammed solid. Gravity dilation readings. There, Mister Fibuli. Can you explain those figures? FIBULI: Not off the top of my head, sir. CAPTAIN: No? And why not? Because for ten seconds the whole infrastructure of quantum physics was in retreat. Find out what happened, Mister Fibuli, and find out fast, or by all the fires of night, I'll have that skull off you! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Not so. I am perfectly capable of admitting when I am wrong. ROMANA: Oh. DOCTOR: Yes. Only this time I wasn't. There was definitely something out there jamming our materialisation field. ROMANA: Oh, that's what it was. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, that's what it was. Yes. Whatever it was, it wasn't a multiloop whatsit or anything else to do with that manual. ROMANA: No, of course not. May I try? DOCTOR: What, by the book? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: Yes, all right, all right. You do it your way. ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: You'll see. There's definitely something out there jamming our materialisation field. ROMANA: Right. Synchronic feedback. DOCTOR: Won't make a scrap of difference. ROMANA: We'll see. Multiloop stabiliser. DOCTOR: Look out, K9. Hold on. ROMANA: Now. ROMANA: Well? DOCTOR: Good. ROMANA: Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: That was very, very good. Wasn't that good, K9? K9: Very, very, very good, master. DOCTOR: Oh, terribly good. Listen, I think she's going to be all right. Very all right. K9: Very, very all right. ROMANA: Shall we have a look at Calufrax now? DOCTOR: Oh, all right then. Let's get it over with. Horrible place. Cold, wet, icy. No life of any sort. Boring. ROMANA: It looks very pleasant to me. DOCTOR: What? Calufrax? You have made an enormous mistake. You've probably, you've probably missed it by a couple of million light years! DOCTOR: I wonder what's biting him? [SCENE_BREAK] BROTHERS: Life force dying. Life force dying. BROTHERS: Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying. Life force dying! [SCENE_BREAK] BALATON: Calm yourself, Pralix. You must calm yourself. MULA: He's much worse than last time, Grandfather. Pralix, can't you hear us? Tell us what's wrong. BALATON: It is a mistake to ask too many questions. MULA: That's your answer to everything, isn't it? BALATON: I have no need for answers, for all I ask is a quiet life. Pralix, Pralix, you must calm yourself. Calm yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That's strange. ROMANA: Well? DOCTOR: Can't be right. It is right. But it can't be, can it? ROMANA: Have you decided where we are, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, according to these space time coordinates, we have arrived at precisely the right point in space at precisely the right time. ROMANA: Yes, I know. DOCTOR: But to the wrong planet. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: This isn't Calufrax. ROMANA: Then where are we? DOCTOR: I haven't got the faintest idea. All I do know is that this planet wasn't here when I tried to land. [SCENE_BREAK] BALATON: People will hear. Oh dear, I'm sure people can hear. MULA: Grandfather, Pralix is very ill and all you can think about is what will happen if the neighbours hear. BALATON: You know very well what will happen. MULA: Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? BALATON: Oh, Mula, don't spoil everything by asking so many questions. I think I'm going to lose one grandchild already. Please don't let it be both of you. Just settle down and enjoy what life gives you so freely. MULA: Listen, someone's coming. BALATON: Quickly, the curtains. KIMUS: Balaton? MULA: Kimus! Thank goodness it's only you. KIMUS: Only me? What's wrong with him? MULA: We thought that KIMUS: What? MULA: Never mind. KIMUS: Pralix. PRALIX (OOV.): Life force is dying. Life force dying. Life force dying! [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Again? [SCENE_BREAK] MENTIAD: We have an intruder. And wait, there is another. We must act. Act at once. [SCENE_BREAK] ROMANA: Uninhabited, ice-coated planet? DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: Well, we've certainly come to the right place. The signal's coming from everywhere. DOCTOR: Never trust gimmicky gadgets. K9: Sentient life form approaching. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: It's all right. It just means someone's coming. ROMANA: I know what it means. Excuse me. DOCTOR: No, no, excuse me. I'll do it. DOCTOR: Excuse me. Would you take me to your leader? What we'd like to know, you see, is what planet? DOCTOR: Halt! What we DOCTOR: You're not doing very well, K9. K9: Master? DOCTOR: No. K9: Suggestion, master. DOCTOR: What? K9: Suggest you allow mistress to make contact. DOCTOR: Nonsense! Making contact with an alien race is an immensely skilled and delicate operation. It calls for tact and experience. What would she know about it? ROMANA: Hello. Excuse me. MAN: Yes? K9: She is prettier than you, master. DOCTOR: Is she? What's that got to do with it. MAN: It's a new golden age, you see. A golden age of prosperity. I must say, I still get very excited about it all. I know we have them rather often now, but that's because of the Captain's great goodness, you see. DOCTOR: Excuse me. ROMANA: Just a minute. The Captain? MAN: Oh, yes. It's the Captain who does it all for us, and it really was spectacular this time. The omens. The skies shook with lightning. We are going to be very rich. Very, very rich. ROMANA: What, just like that? Because of lights in the sky? MAN: Oh, yes. That's the way it always happens. Here, have some diamonds. And yes, I've got a ruby. Suit a pretty girl like you. ROMANA: Oh! Thank you very much. DOCTOR: Excuse me. ROMANA: Would you like some jelly babies? DOCTOR: Thank you very much. Excuse me. MAN: What are they? DOCTOR: Sweets. You eat them. Go on. MAN: Oh, thank you. (he takes four) Well, I'll be late for the feasts. Nice to meet you. Watch out for the Mentiads. ROMANA: The who? DOCTOR: Er, excuse me! What I'd like to know. Where did you get those jelly babies? ROMANA: Same place you get them. DOCTOR: Where? ROMANA: Your pocket. DOCTOR: Look, good looks are no substitute for a sound character. Did he say anything about omens? ROMANA: Omens in the sky. DOCTOR: Really? GUARD: Where did you get those? MAN: Er, back there, sir. DOCTOR: I think that these stones are genuine. What do you think, K9? K9: Affirmative, master. The clear ones are the diamonds and the red ones are the rubies. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you very much. And what colour are the amethysts? K9: Purple, master. DOCTOR: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Extraordinary. The place is littered with them. Diamonds, Andromedan bloodstones, gravel, more diamonds. Don't they have street sweepers here? ROMANA: Well, perhaps these stones aren't valuable here, Doctor. DOCTOR: Diamonds and rubies not valuable? ROMANA: What's this? K9: Oolian, mistress. ROMANA: Oolian? DOCTOR: Oolian? K9: Affirmative. DOCTOR: Oolian? Now that is rare. That's one of the most precious stones in the galaxy. It only occurs naturally in two places that I know of. Qualactin and Bandraginus Five. Bandraginus Five? Where have I heard that mentioned recently? ROMANA: It's beautiful. DOCTOR: Yeah, hold it up to the light. People have murdered for that beauty, ravaged empires for it, and lying in the streets exactly where I wasn't expecting to find it. I wonder where Calufrax got to? [SCENE_BREAK] MULA: Poor Pralix. Why? What does it all mean? BALATON: Why should it mean anything? It's just the way life is. Accept it. KIMUS: Oh yes, we can have anything we want, can't we, apart from the freedom to think for ourselves. I'd like to know what I'm accepting, old man. [SCENE_BREAK] BALATON: I remember when I was a lad. Now things were very different then. You think you have no freedom now? You ought to have been here under old Queen Xanxia. MULA: Shush, both of you. Think of poor Pralix. He must have quietness. KIMUS: Why? We've all been quiet for too long, and for what? [SCENE_BREAK] KIMUS: Pretty clothes? Pockets full of useless trinkets? That isn't what life ought to be about. BALATON: Kimus, you are a dangerous fool. Don't listen to him, Mula. If you love your brother, you must shelter him, hide him, protect him from the Mentiads. Remember what happened to your father. MULA: My father didn't fall into the hands of the Mentiads. BALATON: No. MULA: He was shot by the Captain's guards. BALATON: To save him from the Mentiads. At least he died a clean death. It was an act of mercy by the Captain. KIMUS: Oh well, thank you, O merciful Captain, for so kindly having Mula's father shot down in the street like a dog. BALATON: Listen, Kimus, let me tell you this. I would cheerfully strangle Pralix with my own hands to save him from those, those [SCENE_BREAK] MENTIAD: Brothers, the Vigil of Evil is accomplished. The one called Pralix must be harvested. The Time of Knowing shall be soon, and fast upon that shall follow the Time of Vengeance. Vengeance for the crimes of Zanak! BROTHERS: Vengeance for the crimes of Zanak. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Excuse me, have you seen Calufrax? DOCTOR: It's sort of planet, about fourteen thousand kilometres across, oblate spheroid. DOCTOR: Excuse me, I'm looking for a planet called Calufrax. DOCTOR: It's about fourteen thousand kilometres across, it's an oblate spheroid and it's covered in ice. Excuse me, excuse me. Has anybody seen a planet called Calufrax? Funny, nobody's seen it. PRALIX (OOV.): The life force is dead! The life force is dead! DOCTOR: Well, someone's around, anyway. PRALIX (OOV.): We're all murderers! Murderers! ROMANA: It came from over there. DOCTOR: Over there? You stay here. I'll go and see. [SCENE_BREAK] BALATON: We're done for! They must be nearly here! They'll take him as they tried to take your father! MULA: We must hide him. KIMUS: We can't hide him forever. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Excuse me, are you sure this planet's meant to be here? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: This is a forbidden object. ROMANA: Why? GUARD: That is a forbidden question. You are a stranger? ROMANA: Well, yes. GUARD: Strangers are forbidden. ROMANA: I did come with the Doctor. GUARD: Who is ROMANA: Ah, now, don't tell me. Doctors are forbidden as well. GUARD: You are under arrest. Come. ROMANA: No, K9, you mustn't. GUARD: What did you say? ROMANA: What I said was, no K9, you mustn't (pause) fetch the Doctor. GUARD: You're mad. Move. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: We're surrounded by incompetents, you and I. Incompetents and fools. You're my only true friend. Never mind. Not long now. Not long now before it's finished and we'll be free. FIBULI: Captain! Captain, sir. CAPTAIN: Speak! FIBULI: The Mentiads are marching, sir. CAPTAIN: Vultures of death! Ghouls! FIBULI: They must have located another rogue telepath. Channel twenty one, sir. Sector five. CAPTAIN: Sector five. The Mentiads are heading towards sector five. The telepath must not be taken. Find him and destroy him, or by all the suns that blaze, I'll tear you apart, molecule from molecule. CAPTAIN: Idiot! Brainless fool! All guards, the Mentiads are heading towards sector six. Find the telepath. Find him and destroy him! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: He's in a state of shock. MULA: He does this every time the Captain announces a new golden age of prosperity. DOCTOR: What, every time? MULA: Well, the last two or three times, yes. DOCTOR: Hmm. Tell me about this Captain. Pleasant sort of chap, is he? MULA: We've never seen him. BALATON: But he is great and good. He looks after us and makes us rich. KIMUS: Huh. He makes us his fools. DOCTOR: Really? That's a very interesting observation. PRALIX: The Mentiads! DOCTOR: Mentiads? I've heard that somewhere before. [SCENE_BREAK] CAPTAIN: Find him! Find him! Find him and destroy him! Search sector six. FIBULI: Er, seven. CAPTAIN: Search sector seven. CAPTAIN: What the planet's bane is that? CAPTAIN: Search that house. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master. BALATON: Save us! Captain, save us! KIMUS: What is it? DOCTOR: No, no, no, it's all right. It's all right, it's a friend of mine. Aren't you a friend of mine, K9? K9: Affirmative, master. Friend. DOCTOR: Now then, tell me about the Mentiads. BALATON: They are evil zombies. They have terrible powers. K9: Master. PRALIX: Mentiads! They're coming. K9: Mistress is in danger. DOCTOR: Pralix, what do the Mentiads want of you? What is it? MULA: Kimus! Kimus! GUARD: That's him. Shoot! DOCTOR: How long have you stunned them for, K9? K9: Indefinitely, master. DOCTOR: Good, good. Evil zombies? Terrible powers? KIMUS: They're not Mentiads. They were the Captain's guards. PRALIX: The Mentiads! DOCTOR: Pralix. Pralix, what is it? BALATON: We must hide him. We must hide him. They must be nearly here. Oh, the Captain's way was better. MULA: Listen, they're coming. There's no way we can hide him. KIMUS: No, you're cowards, both of you. We must fight. DOCTOR: Pralix, can you hear my voice? KIMUS: We're not going to be pampered frightened vegetables any more. We've got friends now. DOCTOR: Pralix. Pralix, can you hear my voice? What is it? Hello? Hello. Are you by any chance the Mentiads? Well, it's just that you look like Mentiads to me. DOCTOR: You see, what I thought was that er...

In seeking the second segment of the Key to Time, the TARDIS heads for an icy world but lands on a populated planet that shouldn't be there.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x06

fd_One_Tree_Hill_01x06_0

[A CAR ON A ROAD. Inside, HALEY and PEYTON are "dancing" to the music as if they were best friends. PEYTON laughs] HALEY: Come on baby. [A CAR. NATHAN and LUCAS run to it and jump in] [THE CAR PEYTON and HALEY are in] PEYTON: We need some music. [PEYTON leans toward the radio as the car veers off the road] HALEY : [Grabbing the wheel] Peyton! [THE CAR goes back onto the road and BROOKE jumps up from where she was lying in the backseat] PEYTON: Sorry... BROOKE: Where the hell are we? HALEY: Miles from normal. BROOKE: [To PEYTON, about HALEY] What is she doing here? PEYTON: You invited her! [PEYTON and HALEY laugh but BROOKE just looks confused. PEYTON turns the radio on and BROOKE grabs her head in pain] BROOKE: Ow! [THE CAR LUCAS AND NATHAN are in. NATHAN goes to start the car, but the tires are stuck in mud. LUCAS and NATHAN look at each other] NATHAN: Bail! LUCAS: Bail! [BOTH jump out of the car and start running] [THE CAR PEYTON AND HALEY ARE IN. Music's playing loudly, and PEYTON and HALEY are laughing] HALEY: Nice. What's next? PEYTON: Uh, you pick. [BROOKE gives PEYTON a weird look] HALEY: [Reaching toward radio] Alright. [THE CAR speeding toward where NATHAN and LUCAS are walking. As the girls see NATHAN and LUCAS together, they lean forward in curiosity] HALEY: Oh my- PEYTON: Could this night get any freakier? HALEY: Nathan with Lucas. LUCAS: Haley and Peyton? BROOKE: What the hell is going on? [SCENE_BREAK] [12 HOURS EARLIER. THE SCHOOL. LUCAS and HALEY are walking] HALEY: Hey stranger. LUCAS: Hmm. No stranger than you. HALEY: Hmm. LUCAS: Did you get my message last night? HALEY: Nah. I was, uh, at the library late. Midterms. LUCAS: Yours or Nathan's? HALEY: Both, actually. LUCAS: Well. Good luck with that. HALEY: Luke. You're cool with this, right? I mean, last week, when you said you didn't trust me... LUCAS: I know. I didn't mean that. Alright? I meant I don't trust Nathan. [PEYTON starts walking toward LUCAS] PEYTON: Hey, you got a second? HALEY: Speaking of... [HALEY leaves and PEYTON winces] PEYTON: So last week... sucked. I just... wanted to say thanks. LUCAS: Oh, you made me a mix? PEYTON: Just trying to square my karma. LUCAS: Uh-huh. Does this mean we're dating? PEYTON: Listen, you've got a long bus ride tonight and I had some free time. Don't read too much into it. [PEYTON walks away and LUCAS watches] [OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL. NATHAN catches up with HALEY as she's walking NATHAN: Haley! Hey! HALEY: Hey. NATHAN: Coming to the game tonight? HALEY: Um... I don't know. NATHAN: You should come. We always beat the crap out of the Pickerington Hicks. HALEY: They're called the Hicks? NATHAN: Well no. But they should be. The place is all pickup trucks and mulch. [HALEY laughs] NATHAN: It's definitely worth the road trip. I'll look for you. [NATHAN walks away] HALEY: Okay. [THE SCOTT'S KITCHEN. DEB walks in] DEB: Dan! We should get going. [DAN walks into the room] DAN: What is wrong with these people? Putting an SPL dinner on a game night? DEB: Honey, it's once a year. We'll go, we'll enjoy a nice, adult evening downtown. And tomorrow you can pour over the box scores. DAN: I still don't understand why we booked a room. It's only a thirty minute drive. DEB: Because you and your wife are in need of some good, old fashioned alone time. [They kiss] DAN: I like the sound of that. [Pause] Well Nathan's got his cell. I can keep tabs on the game from dinner. DEB: Dan, why don't we spend 48 hours without basketball and see where we wind up? Okay? DAN: Sure. DEB: Thank you. [LUCAS' HOUSE. KAREN walks into the room, holding two dresses out to LUCAS] KAREN: Okay. What does this dress say to you LUCAS: Uh... beware of crazy ladies who talk to dresses. KAREN: No, come on. Really. I need your help. Single and successful or married to her work? LUCAS: Is this for that justice league thing? KAREN: Small business league. And yes. It's one of the few times a year I get to dress up and I'd like to look nice. LUCAS: Well, is Keith still going as your date? KAREN: He's not a date. We're just going together. Why would you say that? LUCAS: You guys hang out a lot. You get along well... KAREN: Yeah, well I get along with the guy who delivers our water. That doesn't mean I'm gonna date him. LUCAS: Yeah, but the guy who delivers our water is not Keith. KAREN: Where is this coming from? LUCAS: Well, you know I've been thinking, you know, that you're not exactly old, Mom. KAREN: Thanks... I think. LUCAS: I'm just saying that I'd be all right with it, you know... if that's what you're worried about. KAREN: Well, thank you, Cupid. Now, help with the dresses, please. LUCAS: Black, I guess. KAREN: Hmm. Black it is. [KAREN goes to leave but stops] KAREN: Keith didn't say something to you, did he? LUCAS: Oh, about the date that you two aren't going on tonight? Not a word... [KAREN laughs] KAREN: Good luck with your game. LUCAS: Yeah, you too, Mom. [KAREN holds up a hand as she leaves and LUCAS laughs] [PEYTON'S room. BROOKE comes to the door, waving a washcloth as PEYTON sits on her bed] BROOKE: Safe yet? No hostile tone, no bitter complaints, no yelling at your best friend because you broke up with your jerk of a boyfriend? [PEYTON smiles] BROOKE: Oh my god, a smile! PEYTON: Alright. I was a mess last week. I'm sorry. [BROOKE cheers in front of the web cam] BROOKE: Apology accepted! A-P-O. L-O-G. Y? Because I love you. Get your skinny @#%$ up and lets go beat the pirates. [BROOKE flashes her bloomers at the web cam] PEYTON: [Stunned but laughing] What are you doing? BROOKE: What? It's a web cam. It's what they're for. [Pause] Come on. [BROOKE walks over to PEYTON] BROOKE: Overweight. [BROOKE throws her pompoms at PEYTON] BROOKE: Now we're even. PEYTON: You're dead! [PEYTON jumps up and chases her from the room] PEYTON: Dead! [A BUS. The Ravens are getting on and WHITEY'S in the front] WHITEY: Alright! Knock it off. This is our first away game. For those of you who are unfamiliar, you sit there with your mouths shut and focus. I'll choose the music. [WHITEY HOLDS UP A CASSETTE TAPE] WHITEY: Tonight's theme is defense. [WHITEY inserts the tape and old sappy music starts playing. LUCAS and NATHAN put their headphones on] WHITEY: Lets roll! [LUCAS puts in PEYTON'S CD and starts reading Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men] [PICKERINGTON GYM. MOUTH and HALEY are sitting in the bleachers, as MOUTH'S "announcing"] MOUTH: Good evening, ladies and gentleman, from the stinks of Pickerington where the pirates always suck and the livestock is nervous, I'm Mouth McFadden and sitting in with me at tonight's away game is Haley James. Haley, how do you see tonight's match up? [MOUTH holds out his "microphone" to HALEY] HALEY: I'd rather not be associated with your lunacy, Mouth. [MOUTH covers the microphone and pulls it away] [BROOKE and PEYTON walk into the gym as the team warms up] BROOKE: Oh, see, Lucas looks even hotter in blue. You should totally hook up with him. PEYTON: Stop it. BROOKE: What? At the very least you're due for a little rebound action unless you're still into Nathan. PEYTON: I'm not. BROOKE: Alright. Since you're my pal you can have a courtesy hold on Lucas for the weekend, but after that he's fair game. PEYTON: He's already fair game, thanks. BROOKE: So what's the story with that one anyway? [They looks over at HALEY] PEYTON: She's tutoring Nathan... supposedly. BROOKE: And hanging out with Lucas. Right... we're supposed to believe she's just friends with both of them? [BROOKE looks back over at HALEY as NATHAN nods at her] BROOKE: Did you see that? PEYTON: What? BROOKE: Nathan just gave her the nod. PEYTON: What nod? BROOKE: The "lets hook up after the game" nod. [Pause] Wanna know what I think? I think Nathan likes tutor girl. But I think tutor girl likes Lucas. And I know I like Lucas. And I don't know who the hell you like anymore. This is all turning into one big love... rectangle plus one, whatever that is. [PEYTON laughs and BROOKE runs off] [During the game] MOUTH: So as you've heard Ravens have the big lead early in the second quarter. [NATHAN smashes the ball out of some Pirate's hands] MOUTH: Ooh. And that's a foul by Nathan Scott. [NATHAN walks over to LUCAS] NATHAN: Hey. Why don't you try putting your hands up on defense, alright? LUCAS: Why don't you try not getting beat? NATHAN: Why don't I just beat your @#%$? [NATHAN starts to walk away] NATHAN: Moron... keep it up, punk. [A whistle blows and the REFEREE throws the ball in] REFEREE: Ball in! LUCAS: Hey, you gonna talk or you gonna play, Daddy's boy? NATHAN: Hey, Haley's looking pretty fine tonight, right? Can't wait to get with that. [The Pirates get another basket] LUCAS: [To Peyton] Hey. So I saw Nathan in the shower... yeah, no wonder you broke up with him. [BROOKE laughs as LUCAS runs off. PEYTON just looks shocked. NATHAN throws a basketball at LUCAS. LUCAS storms back and the two proceed to fight, knocking BROOKE over and fighting on top of her. The whistle's blowing like crazy. The rest of the team separates them] WHITEY: Hey! REFEREE: You two! You're out of here! WHITEY: You're throwing them both out of the game? REFEREE: I got to, Coach. I got things rolling. [The REFEREE runs off and WHITEY watches angrily] WHITEY: They're on the same team! BROOKE: [On the ground, with PEYTON standing over her] Ow! Pain! [THE BUS HOME. The bus stops and whitey stands up] WHITEY: Nathan Scott! Lucas Scott! On your feet! [NATHAN and LUCAS stand up] WHITEY: Congratulations, boys. In all my years of coaching, this has got to be a low point. That little stunt you pulled almost cost us our undefeated record. I don't give diddlee-squat about your issues with your daddy or your girlfriends. As far as I'm concerned, you can hate each other until hell freezes over. But if you're going to play on my team, you're gonna learn how to work together. NATHAN: I can't see that happening, Whitey? WHITEY: Yeah? Well you've got thirty-some-odd miles to figure it out. [TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETICS BUS LEAVING. NATHAN and LUCAS are standing on the side of the road] NATHAN: They can't just leave us here. LUCAS: Nice work, idiot [THE ROAD] NATHAN: This is great. This is friggin' great. LUCAS: Calm down. NATHAN: You calm down, man. My phone's on that bus. My wallet's on that bus. LUCAS: Yeah, my wallet too! NATHAN: So what the hell do we do now? LUCAS: We start walking. [For once, the two agree on something. They start walking] [PIRATES' TRAINING ROOM. PEYTON'S outside while someone looks at BROOKE'S injured leg] BROOKE: Ow, that's too tight. [A young man makes an adjustment] MAN: There. How's that? BROOKE: Too loose. [Pause] Ow, that's too tight. [BROOKE smiles flirtatiously at the man] BROOKE: So you're in college, right? MAN: Junior. BROOKE: Oh... you know, I love college guys. [Pause] Two more years, you'll be a doctor. [MAN laughs] MAN: Uh, not exactly. BROOKE: So tell me, Doctor College Boy. If you wanted to give me something for the pain, you could, right? MAN: Well, the team doctor would have to... [BROOKE adjusts so she's showing off her legs] MAN: I could, I could maybe do that. [BROOKE holds her hand out and the MAN opens a bottle of pills] MAN: Wait. You're not a cop, are you? [BROOKE laughs] BROOKE: No. [The MAN hands her a pill] BROOKE: Well, and one for tomorrow... please. MAN: Okay, here's the thing. Those are really strong painkillers. [MAN turns around to get BROOKE water and she swallows both] MAN: So just take, like, a half of one. Every twelve hours. [MAN turns back around with water] BROOKE: Oops! All gone! [A ROAD. NATHAN and LUCAS are walking] NATHAN: We wouldn't be out here if you never joined the team. LUCAS: No. We wouldn't be out here if you weren't such a jackass about me joining the team. NATHAN: Why do you want my life so bad anyway, man? LUCAS: Dude, don't flatter yourself, alright? You're about the last person I want to trade places with. NATHAN: Oh yeah? Well all I know is you came out nowhere and started grabbing everything you could from me. My game, my girl... LUCAS: What about you, huh? I bet your grades sucked before you met me. But I didn't see you going to Haley for help then. NATHAN: Who said what me and Haley's got's is about grades. [A CAR PULLS UP] BOYS IN CAR: Ravens! Hey Ravens! [CAR stops] BOY IN CAR: Want a ride? LUCAS: [To Nathan] I wouldn't take that ride if I was you. NATHAN: You're not me. You never will be. [NATHAN walks over to the car and is pulled in. The car backs up to LUCAS] BOY: Two little Ravens for the price of one. Get in or the superstar dies. [LUCAS looks at the guys then walks over to the car] [OUTSIDE THE TRAINING ROOM. HALEY walks down the hall] PEYTON: What are you still doing here? HALEY: I'm thinking of transferring. What's your excuse? PEYTON: Brooke. She's been in there forever. [BROOKE comes running clumsily down the hall, the college guy following behind her] BROOKE: Peyton! [BROOKE hugs PEYTON] PEYTON: Oh boy. MAN: Hi. BROOKE: This is my best friend in the whole wide world. Don't you think she's pretty? PEYTON: What is this? MAN: She found some pills... on the floor. She'll be fine. Just uh, let her sleep it off. [MAN starts to walk away] BROOKE: Hey! Ooh, call me! [BROOKE goes to chase after the man but collapses into HALEY'S arms. PEYTON grabs her to make sure she doesn't fall over] [OUTSIDE PICKERINGTON HIGH SCHOOL. HALEY'S supporting BROOKE as they walk outside] BROOKE: We should totally hang out more. What is your name? HALEY: Haley... BROOKE: Yeah. I don't like that name. Lets call you... Brooke! [PEYTON'S waiting by the car] BROOKE: Hi friend! [PEYTON grabs BROOKE as well and the two girls get her into the backseat of the car] PEYTON: Thanks. HALEY: Sure. I'll see you guys later. PEYTON: Where's your ride? HALEY: Oh. I'm going to take the last fan bus back. PEYTON: It just left. BROOKE: That's perfect. Brookie can come with us! HALEY: Yeah, she named me Brooke. [PEYTON looks at her] BROOKE: Peyton, can she come? Please? Peyton, please! PEYTON: [To Haley] Just don't touch the stereo. Or we'll have a problem. BROOKE: Road trip. [BROOKE throws up her pompoms] BROOKE: We're going on a road trip. We're going on a road trip. [HALEY gets into the passenger's seat] [THE CAR with the Pirates. It pulls to a stop] NATHAN: Alright. This is my stop. Thanks for the ride, fellas. GUY: This one's funny, Thing. Lets kill him last. NATHAN: Wait. Your name is Thing? THING: That's right. Thing. BOY: And I'm Thing One. [LUCAS turns to the guy next to NATHAN] LUCAS: Okay, wait. Let me guess. Thing Two. GUY: Thing Three. Because I'm the third. [THING pulls out a gun] NATHAN: Whoa. Dude... THING THREE: Get your clothes off, boys. You're going shopping. [SPL DINNER. It's a fancy restaurant, and KEITH and KAREN sit down at a table] KEITH: Oh, what do you know? We finally got the center aisle this year. Guy must've thought I said Dan Scott. KAREN: No. Dan's table has one spot for Dan and five for his ego. [DAN and DEB walk over] DAN: Well, well, well. Isn't this cozy? DEB: Hey Karen. KAREN: Hi. KEITH: Hi Deb... Dan. [DAN smiles uncomfortably, and everyone follows suit] [CONVENIENCE STORE/RESTAURANT. The door opens and we see a pair of bare male legs, just wearing sneakers. Then we see a second pair. We zoom up and see that LUCAS and NATHAN are shirtless as well, just wearing their boxers. Everyone looks at them, laughing. LUCAS consults a list] LUCAS: Hemorrhoid ointment. NATHAN: Dude, this is total crap. These guys are morons, not killers. I bet it's not even a real gun. LUCAS: Lets just play the game, get our clothes, and get home. LUCAS: Okay. Ah, we need two bottles of spring feminine cleansers. [Store owner dials the phone] NATHAN: Oh, great. A pair of douche bags. LUCAS: A case of beer and we're out of here. NATHAN: What? How are we going to pull that off? LUCAS: Would you card us? [NATHAN starts walking to the register. LUCAS turns to follow] LUCAS: I didn't think so. [LUCAS walks to the left of NATHAN and we see their backs. LUCAS' says RAVENS. NATHAN'S says SUCK] [THE CAR driving along a road. BROOKE'S hitting PEYTON with her pompoms as PEYTON tries to drive] PEYTON: Brooke! Come on... [BROOKE throws the pompoms out the window, giggling and clapping. Then she leans over the front seat, looking at HALEY and then PEYTON] BROOKE: Don't you two like the same guys? [Pause] Or guy, or something? HALEY: I'm just tutoring him, that's all. [BROOKE sits back in her seat] PEYTON: So you're not into him? Because he seems to be into you. [BROOKE'S now looking out the back window] BROOKE: He gave her the nod! PEYTON: Just be careful. HALEY: Well, what about you and Lucas? PEYTON: What about us? HALEY: Oh, come on. Tortured artist meets tortured athlete? Talk about your obvious attraction. [The car beeps to signal lack of gas] BROOKE: I hear birds. PEYTON: Unbelievable! Brooke, did you not think to put gas in the car? [BROOKE looks at HALEY] BROOKE: Answer the question, Brooke. [The car stops] BROOKE: Why are we stopping? [PIRATE PLAYER'S CAR. The car's in the parking lot of the store. Thing looks through a bag] THING: Sweet. They scored the brew. THING THREE: Where's the p0rn? LUCAS: Hey. You had your fun. Now give us back our clothes. THING ONE: Yeah, man, I'm done with these clowns. Hey, lets go somewhere and get wasted. THING THREE: With no porno mags? NATHAN: They didn't have Playgirl. THING THREE: Go back inside and get some hardcore. [Sirens are approaching] THING: Wait! Shut up! Listen! [They all hear the sirens and then see the cruiser] THING ONE: Come on, roll, roll, roll. THING THREE: Go, roll! [The car peels out of the parking lot] THING THREE: Come on, lets go, lets go, lets go. Move it! Lets go! [PIRATE'S car. They've pulled over to a side and the cruiser goes by as they duck] THE THINGS: Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby! LUCAS: Yeah, yeah, right. Alright. Yahoo! Yeah, enough's enough. Give us our clothes. [THING grabs his gun and points it at LUCAS] THING: Don't they say please in the suburbs? [NATHAN grabs the gun and points it at THING] NATHAN: He said give us our clothes, you hick. [THE THINGS laugh] THING: Can't you steal a fake gun in the suburbs? NATHAN: That's great. It's a starter pistol. I knew this thing was fake. THING THREE: Yeah, but our fists are real. THING: Look. We'll give you guys your clothes back. We'll even give one of you a ride home. LUCAS: Yeah. What do you mean by one of us? [OUTSIDE THE PIRATE'S CAR IN THE WOODS. THE THINGS are leaning against the car and NATHAN and LUCAS are standing opposite them] THING: The game is Gladiator. Basically, you guys beat the hell out of each other for our amusement. The one left standing gets his clothes and a ride to a phone. The loser... well he loses. THING THREE: Let the games begin. [He holds up a beer and LUCAS and NATHAN stare at each other] THING: Okay, the game isn't called two punks staring at each other. It's called Gladiator. Get to it. LUCAS: Alright, you can screw yourself. Because there's no way in hell that the two of us are going to fight. [NATHAN charges LUCAS] LUCAS: Or maybe we are. [LUCAS attacks NATHAN] [SCENE_BREAK] [THE WOODS. NATHAN and LUCAS are still fighting] NATHAN: This is great. Not only do I get to kick your @#%$ but you get 30 miles to think about it. [NATHAN throws LUCAS against the car] LUCAS: What the hell are you doing, man? We should be fighting them. NATHAN: You want it? THE THINGS: Yeah. [NATHAN grabs the keys from the car] THE THINGS: Oh! THING: Wait, wait, wait! NATHAN: You okay? LUCAS: Yeah. NATHAN: Pickerington morons. THING: Give us the keys. LUCAS: Give us our clothes. [THING throws LUCAS a sock] THING: Fine. NATHAN: You guys wanna play games, huh? I've got a little game for you. It's called keys for clothes. You give us a piece of our clothes, we'll give you a key. THING: No deal. NATHAN: Fine. We were walking anyways. [NATHAN starts to throw the keys] THE THINGS: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. THING ONE: We'll deal. THING: Forget it. I want to walk home. THING THREE: It's dark. THING ONE: Man, seriously. NATHAN: Fine. Give him his sweats. LUCAS: That's worth a house key. [NATHAN throws a key] NATHAN: Hey, keep them coming. [BROOKE'S CAR. PEYTON gets out of the phone with her cell] PEYTON: There's still no signal. Who lives like this? HALEY: Pop the trunk, will you? BROOKE: Peyton, don't listen to it. It might be a trick. [PEYTON pops the trunk and HALEY looks inside] HALEY: Yeah, it's empty. I saw a gas station a few miles back. If I'm not back in an hour, tell my mom I loved her? BROOKE: Don't you mean Nathan? [BROOKE laughs] PEYTON: I'll go with you. BROOKE: What about me? [BROOKE'S back in the car and PEYTON locks the doors. As BROOKE and HALEY walk away, BROOKE'S yelling] BROOKE: I could suffocate in here. Guys! HALEY: You did crack a window, right? [PEYTON laughs] BROOKE: Guys! Come on! I'm scared! Please! Come on, you guys. Don't go! Someone will come! [PEYTON and HALEY walk off] [SPL DINNER. Another couple's now sitting with KEITH, KAREN, DAN, and DEB] DAN: Scott Motor Company's been reaching a lead in new car sales for the past six years. Pretty soon we'll be the top dealership in North Carolina. MAN: [Pointing between KEITH and DAN] So you two are in business together? DAN: Uh, no. I own the company. Uh, Keith runs a garage. KEITH: I fix the junk that he sells. [The other couple laughs] DAN: Alright. Lets give credit where credit's due. Big brother here has been tinking with cars for years. If it wasn't for his influence and, uh, lack of initiative, I may never have been able to realize my dream. KEITH: Hmm. Was it really my influence, Dan? Because I thought it was Deb's money that bankrolled your dream. [DAN laughs and everyone else looks around uncomfortably] DAN: True. Deb's father took a leap of faith with me. Of course, I returned his investment ten-fold. And every good business man knows it's a long road from seed money... MAN: To profit. DAN: To profits, exactly. MAN: Amen to that. DAN: So Keith. You talk about being a self-made man but... self-made into what? KEITH: Excuse me. [KEITH gets up and leaves. KAREN and DEB look at DAN] [IN THE WOODS. NATHAN holds up a key] NATHAN: Last key. You got one thing left. THING: Give us the car key and we'll give you the shirt. NATHAN: I can live without my shirt. [NATHAN throws the key into the woods] THE THINGS: Oh man, no! NATHAN: Have fun walking. [NATHAN and LUCAS run off] THING: Just find the key... we're gonna kill those guys. [A ROAD. HALEY and PEYTON are walking] HALEY: What did you mean before? About Nathan when you said before? PEYTON: I just know him, that's all. HALEY: Said the ex-girlfriend. PEYTON: Look, we were crazy with drama but I'm over it. He's not a complete waste. He just- he's really threatened by Lucas. It could all just be a big mind game. That's how he works. [Pause] Do you like him? HALEY: I was- talk about stuff, you know what I mean? PEYTON: Like what? HALEY: Like school or... his dad. PEYTON: Oh. Dan. Danny sure did a number on his boy, right? HALEY: Yeah. Both of them. PEYTON: So you didn't answer my question. Do you like him? HALEY: It- it doesn't matter. I mean, that... it would be too weird around Lucas. PEYTON: That's his problem. You've got a life to live too. HALEY: It just seems kind of selfish. PEYTON: Why? Did he ask you if he could go out with me? HALEY: Did he ask you out? PEYTON: No. [They laugh] PEYTON: That's not the point. No. He wouldn't ask permission. So why should you? HALEY: Would you say yes if he asked you out? PEYTON: It depends. What song is playing... am I in a mood... is he smiling when he asks or is he doing that goofy brooding thing he does? HALEY: Oh, you know I think he's definitely doing the broody thing. PEYTON: He does that all the time! HALEY: It's strange. Just... the night away from school. It feels like you and I actually live on the same planet. PEYTON: Life plays trick on you like that. HALEY: Mmm. [They continue to walk] [SPL DINNER. KEITH'S sitting alone and DEB walks over to him] DEB: Can I bankroll another drink for you? KEITH: I'm sorry about that. [Pause] I, uh, I shouldn't have dragged you into it. Sometimes my little brother has a way of getting to me... DEB: He has a gift. KEITH: Yeah. DEB: You know, um, you and Karen really go nicely together. KEITH: I don't think she sees me that way. DEB: Hmm. How do you see her? KEITH: She's amazing. She's strong, she's beautiful and uh, you know, she's a great mother to Lucas. DEB: So... KEITH: A relationship would just complicate things. What about you, Deb? Tonight was just part of the course with him. And, uh, I know it's none of my business but why are you... DEB: Why do I stay with him. KEITH: Yeah... DEB: It's okay. Uh, believe it or not, some days he's the man I fell in love with and other days... I don't know. Besides, if you've got Lucas to consider, I've certainly got Nathan. [Pause] Come on. Lets go rescue Karen. KEITH: Yeah. [KEITH and DEB both get up] [THE WOODS. NATHAN and LUCAS are hiding within hearing distance of THE THINGS] THING: Alright, it's a blue key chain. THING ONE: Dude, look over here moron. Is that blue? THING THREE: Are you color blind? LUCAS: I can't believe you sucker punched me. NATHAN: I had to. It got us outta there, didn't it? [LUCAS takes off his sweatshirt and hands it to NATHAN] LUCAS: Here. [NATHAN puts on the sweatshirt] LUCAS: So what's your master plan, genius? Huh? You gonna hotwire the car? NATHAN: Actually, we're not gonna have to. Those idiots are gonna flip out when they find a key chain with no car key. [GAS STATION. PEYTON and HALEY look in the door. It's dark] PEYTON: Great! And no phone. What are we going to do? [HALEY looks around and sees a pickup truck] [THE WOODS where NATHAN and LUCAS are hiding] NATHAN: So we'll get the car, we'll drive into town, we'll find a phone, and we'll ditch it. LUCAS: Wait, what if they report it stolen? NATHAN: Well I kinda think that the cops got the license plate number earlier, don't you? LUCAS: Yes, but they didn't see who was driving that car. I mean, think about it, if they pull us over they can pin everything on us. NATHAN: What if we sit here and we talk about it all night, huh? Got any better ideas? LUCAS: [Resigned] I'll drive. NATHAN: No. I'll drive. [They take off toward the car and NATHAN starts it] THING: Whoa, whoa! NATHAN: Pickerington sucks! [The car's stuck in mud] THING: Oh yeah, oh! They aren't going anywhere. Lets go get them, boys! [NATHAN and LUCAS look at each other] NATHAN: Bail. LUCAS: Bail! [They jump out of the car and start to run] THING: We're gonna pluck you, Ravens! THING THREE: Hey, I've still got your shirt! THING: Shut up! They can run but they can't hide! [GAS STATION. HALEY and PEYTON reach the truck] HALEY: Oh yes! PEYTON: So what are you doing? HALEY: Um...here, hold this. [HALEY hands PEYTON a pocketknife] PEYTON: Or you'll stab me? HALEY: A girl can't be too safe. [Pause] Here, try and get that gas cap open, will you? PEYTON: Does this really work? HALEY: We are about to find out. [HALEY inserts a tube into the gas tank and starts sucking] PEYTON: Had a lot of practice? [HALEY looks at her] PEYTON: At sucking gas. What did you think I meant? HALEY: You wanna do it? PEYTON: Watch out for the golf ball. [HALEY moves back as the gas starts to come out] HALEY: Ooh! Ooh! [Pause] Oh, yeah. PEYTON: Are you kidding? [HALEY looks up, grinning] PEYTON: Dude, who knew you were like the 4th Charlie's Angel? [Both girls laugh] [THE WOODS] THINGS: [Driving around] Oh Ravens! Come out and play LUCAS: [To Nathan] Still out there. NATHAN: They'll get bored eventually. LUCAS: So that was a pretty good move with the car keys. NATHAN: Yeah. It doesn't change the fact that my dad's gonna kill me for getting kicked out of that game. [LUCAS looks at him but looks away quickly] NATHAN: You should consider yourself lucky sometimes. LUCAS: Lucking out of a dad? NATHAN: At least this one. [Pause] I remember this one summer, I was playing little league baseball and I was the pitcher and my dad was the coach. Anyway, this kid Billy Lyons, he was a great hitter. Everything he hit was a homerun. So, you know, he got up to the plate and there was nobody on base so I just walked him. Four straight pitches, nothing even close to a strike. So my dad calls a timeout, comes to the mound, and I'm thinking he's gonna say like, Smart move or Good thinking son, something like that. But instead... instead he grabs me by the arm, and he kicks me in the @#%$ as hard as he can. I mean, he literally took me by the arm so that I wouldn't like, go flying, he kicked me so hard. Then he brought Stevie Planking into pitch, sat me on the bench, never mentioned it again. LUCAS: That sucks. NATHAN: Yeah. [Pause] So just think about that the next time you're feeling sorry for yourself. [SPL DINNER. DAN'S on his phone] DAN: I haven't heard from you, Nathan. I'm starting to get nervous. Uh... just call and leave your stats on my phone as soon as you get this. [KEITH and DEB walk over] KAREN: [To Keith] You okay? KEITH: Yup. Just a little bit hammered. DEB: Sorry, Karen. It was my fault. [DEB looks at DAN] DAN: What? DEB: I thought we said no basketball. DAN: What do you want from me, Deb? You leave me here with Karen and these two? [DAN looks at KEITH, who's taking a sip of wine] DAN: How you doing, boozy? [KEITH starts laughing] KAREN: Alright, you know what? I'm ready to go. DAN: Oh, there, see. Your ride's leaving. I mean, she may not be much of a date but at least she's a reliable designated driver. DEB: Dan, that's enough. KEITH: You know, maybe you oughtta spend a little less time worrying about my relationship and a little more time paying attention to your own. [DAN leans over the table] DAN: If you call chasing after my leftovers a relationship. [KEITH jumps out of his chair and tries to punch DAN who jumps out of the way. KEITH falls into a table] KAREN: Keith! Keith! It's not worth it. KEITH: Come on! KAREN: Keith! Come on, come on. Please? Lets just go, alright? KEITH: Okay, I'm fine. DAN: It was a joke. KAREN: Come on, please. [DEB glares at DAN] [BROOKE'S CAR. PEYTON and HALEY have just gotten back and HALEY'S refilling the gas tank. PEYTON'S in the driver's seat. PEYTON turns around to see BROOKE passed out across the back seat, her bloomers showing. She starts laughing as does HALEY] [THE WOODS] LUCAS: Man, it's been like, what? Twenty minutes? Think they're coming back? [NATHAN starts laughing] LUCAS: What? NATHAN: Thing, Thing One, and Thing Three. [LUCAS laughs] LUCAS: Well, yeah man, he was the third. NATHAN: Yeah. LUCAS: Hey. What are we doing hiding from these idiots anyway, huh? Look, I can hold my own. And I know that you could throw a pretty damn good punch. [Pause] I say lets take these fools on. NATHAN: Alright. I'm in for that. [NATHAN and LUCAS jump up] [SPL DINNER. DAN'S sitting alone at a table, drinking, when DEB comes up behind him and sits across from him] DEB: Are you gonna stay down here all night? DAN: I made a call. Nathan got thrown out of the game tonight for fighting with Lucas. DEB: Fighting with his brother. Hmm. I wonder where he gets that from? DAN: His phone's turned off. No one's answering at home. DEB: But he's okay? [DAN doesn't know] DAN: I'm sorry about tonight, Deb. I don't know how things got so out of hand. DEB: Things didn't get out of hand, Dan. You did. DAN: He threw the first punch. DEB: You provoked him. DAN: Nathan's prospects took a huge blow tonight. Can we just focus on him? DEB: That's the wrong answer, Dan. And if you don't know that, I'm not sure I know you anymore. DAN: Well that's a two way street. DEB: I'm gonna go upstairs and pack. We should go home. [DEB gets up and leaves DAN sitting there] [BROOKE'S CAR. HALEY'S waving her hand to the music. PEYTON looks ubër-serious and BROOKE'S still passed out] HALEY: He cares about you, you know? PEYTON: Yeah. [Pause] We need some music. [PEYTON leans toward the radio as the car veers off the road] HALEY : [Grabbing the wheel] Peyton! [THE CAR goes back onto the road and BROOKE jumps up] PEYTON: I'm sorry... BROOKE: Where the hell are we? HALEY: Miles from normal. BROOKE: [To PEYTON, about HALEY] What is she doing here? PEYTON: You invited her! [PEYTON and HALEY laugh but BROOKE just looks confused. PEYTON turns the radio on and BROOKE grabs her head in pain] BROOKE: Ow! [HALEY and PEYTON laugh] [KAREN'S HOUSE. KEITH'S lying on the couch and KAREN walks over with a cloth and places it on his head] KEITH: I cannot believe I let him get to me. KAREN: So did I. I guess we both should know better by now. KEITH: Yeah, but even so... you should be able to count on me. It's like I can see the guy that I am in my head and I can see the guy that I want to be and they're just... it's not the same. KAREN: That's okay, Keith. I like who you are. [Pause] And I do count on you. More than you know. [Pause] Can I tell you a secret? KEITH: Sure. KAREN: Lucas called tonight a date for us. [KEITH laughs] KAREN: And for a while, I pretended that it was. And it felt good. [KEITH'S half asleep] KEITH: Can I tell you a secret? KAREN: Sure. Go ahead. KEITH: I pretended that too. [KAREN smiles] KEITH: I love you. [The smile disappears] KEITH: Always have. [KAREN stares at him] [BROOKE'S CAR. Music's playing loudly, and PEYTON and HALEY are laughing. The song ends] HALEY: Nice. What's next? PEYTON: Uh, you pick. [BROOKE gives PEYTON a weird look] HALEY: [Reaching toward radio] Alright. BROOKE: This is so tragic. You two don't actually think you're going to be friends tomorrow, do you? [BROOKE leans forward as PEYTON and HALEY lose their smiles] [THE ROAD. NATHAN and LUCAS are walking] LUCAS: So this Haley thing... you know, for some reason she feels like you're not full of crap. Don't take advantage of that. NATHAN: I'm not going to. LUCAS: I know you're not. Because if you do, you're going to live to regret it. NATHAN: Bring it on. [Pause] Hey, listen. Look, man, you didn't have to get in that car when those guys grabbed me. Especially after you warned me not to. LUCAS: Right, whatever. You know the way I see it, I mean, if they would've taken you out, who the hell else am I gonna have to fight with, right? NATHAN: Same person I have. [NATHAN turns around and starts walking. LUCAS follows. They hear a car] LUCAS: Car. [Pause] You ready? NATHAN: Yeah. LUCAS: Lets do it. [They stand side by side in the street as the car approaches. It stops] LUCAS: Haley and Peyton. [BROOKE'S CAR] HALEY: Oh my Gosh. Nathan with Lucas? [BROOKE'S CAR, driving away. LUCAS and NATHAN are now sitting on either side of BROOKE] LUCAS: [V.O.]: As happens sometimes a moment settled... [THE SCHOOL. HALEY sees PEYTON and BROOKE and smiles. They don't respond] LUCAS: [V.O.] ... and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped... [PEYTON looks at HALEY but doesn't wave or anything] LUCAS: [V.O.] ... for much, much more than a moment. [HALEY walks away and PEYTON looks away] LUCAS: [V.O.] And then the moment was gone.

When Whitey throws Lucas and Nathan off the team bus for misconduct, the two boys wind up stranded thirty miles from home. On the long walk home, they encounter a carload of players from the team they just beat who kidnap them at gunpoint. Injured during the game, Brooke needs Peyton to drive her home and Haley reluctantly accepts a ride with them. Meanwhile, Karen and Keith attend a business function, and tempers flare when Dan and Deb are seated at their table. This episode is named after a song by The Early November .

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3x22: The Other Side of This Life (Part 1) (Seattle Scenes) MVO: The dream is this: that we'll finally be happy when we reach our goals... (Meredith is sitting on the couch at her house watching TV) MVO: ...find the guy, finish our internship. That's the dream; then we get there and if we're human, we immediately start dreaming of something else. (Izzie enters) Izzie: It's 3 in the morning, what are you doing up? Meredith: What are you doing up? Izzie: Can't sleep. (Alex enters) Alex: What are you watching? Izzie: Why can't you sleep? Alex: No reason. MVO: Because if this is the dream then we'd like to wake up... (Seattle scenes) (Cristina wakes up to hear laughing coming from the living room of her apartment) MVO: ...now please. Burke: Don't worry I'm not. Ok. (She looks out and sees her mom and Burke's mom in the kitchen) Helen: Cristina, stop lurking. Come and say good morning to your guest. Cristina: Good morning mother. Good morning Mrs...mama. What...is everyone...everyone doing here so early? Jane: Early? Darling, by the look of the calendar we should have been here six months ago. Helen: She doesn't understand what goes into planning a wedding. Burke: Breathe. Sip then breathe. (Derek and Richard are walking through the hall of the hospital) Richard: The police haven't found anything on our Jane Doe. Derek: I believe she calls herself Ava now. Richard: Yes, well, she doesn't seem to be getting her memory back. Derek: Well, now that the rest of her medical problems are taken care of I'll see what I can do. Richard: That'd be great, thanks. (Mark walks up) Mark: Anybody seen Addison? Richard: She's gone. Mark: Gone? Richard: She took a leave of absence. Mark: Why? I mean, did she tell you why? Derek: What'd you do to her, Mark? Richard: She didn't give a reason. Mark: Did she tell you where she was going? Richard: All she said was she needed some time...to be happy and free if I recall correctly. Excuse me. (Addison is in her car driving down the interstate. She is grinding gears as she goes and finally arrives at a building. The sign out front reads Oceanside Wellness Group. She nearly gets run over by bicyclists while attempting to take her jacket off and enter the building. She gets into the elevator and a guy, Pete, gets in after her. She begins laughing.) Addison: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just...um, where I come from...elevators tend to be this kind of aphrodisiac. You know? You look in on them and they just get all horny. Oh no, no. Not that I'm um...talking about you and I. I'm just saying that it's a relief, you know, to be on a not horny elevator. You know? Just get on, ride...without the s*x. Right? (He gets off the elevator) Addison: Oh my god. Oh my god, I'm becoming a crazy freak, crazy inappropriately chatting freak. Voice: Becoming? Seems like you're already there. (Addison continues to look around for where to voice is coming from) (Cristina is standing outside a curtain at the hospital with her mom and Burke's mom, waiting to talk to Callie) Callie: Oh, hey. Hi. Cristina: Hello. Callie: Someone have bones that need resetting? Or...? (Cristina whispers something) Callie: Excuse me? Cristina: Bridesmaids. My mother and Burke's mother have been talking on the phone and now they are here...with me. Helen: To plan the wedding. Callie: Oh. Jane: Cristina led us to believe that you were friends. (Callie laughs and Cristina gives her a dirty look) Callie: Oh, ok. I guess. Jane: Good it's settled. (Helen starts measuring Callie) Callie: Whoa, wait...what are you...are you...are you actually asking me... Cristina: To be one of my bridesmaids, yeah. (They both give each other dirty looks) (Meredith walks up to Derek who is standing at the nurse's station) Meredith: You get any sleep? Derek: I did, actually, after I evicted a raccoon that chewed his way into the luggage compartment. Meredith: Mmm, the trailer. Derek: Yes. Meredith: So, while you were sleeping...when I drowned it was different for you then it was for me. Something happened to me and I really don't know how to explain it without sounding like...I just, I feel different. I wanna be better at everything and I wanna let you in. I swear. Derek: Did you practice that? Meredith: With hand gestures but I dropped those. Just now is not the time to give up on me, ok? That's what I'm saying. Derek: Ok. Meredith: Ok? Derek: Yep. (Hollywood scenes) Dell: (On the phone) Oceanside Wellness Group. Uh yes, you're confirmed for Tuesday at 4. Oh, no, no ma'am, no I'm not a doctor. I don't know what you should do about the itchiness down there. Ok, yeah, ok, ok, bye. Addison: Hi, I am...I think I'm in the right place. I'm looking for...Maya? Is that you? Maya: Addison! Addison: Oh my god. You got so big. What are you like 45 now? (A woman, Naomi walks up) Naomi: Maya, you're gonna be late for school...Addison. Addison: Naomi. Surprise! I got lost like 8 times. I smell like someone who's been driving in a car for two days and I think I just had some kind of psychotic break in your elevator but um...surprise! Naomi: Maya, go get your backpack. (Maya walks off) So...what do you want Addison? Addison: I miss you. Naomi: Really? Cause I haven't heard from you in over a year. Unless you count the Christmas card which was nice. Addison: I know, I know...I'm sorry about...I'm sorry. Naomi: I left you messages on your pager... Addison: right. Naomi: I emailed you. I had some really special conversations with your voicemail. Addison: All right, could we just let this go? I've been having some rough times lately. Ok? I got divorced. Naomi: So did I. Addison: Oh my god. You and Sam? (Sam and Maya walk up) Sam: Addison: Maya: Bye, daddy. Sam: Bye baby. Addison: Hey. Sam: Hey. Addison: Sam, I'd say good to see you but... Sam: Yeah. Addison: Your face is everywhere. Body language... Sam: Yeah, I had a few thoughts so I wrote them down and... Addison: And now you're the common man's medical guru. (Violet walks up to the desk) Violet: Hi Dell. Can you push my appointments back an hour? I had to rescue Cooper. Sam: This is Addison. Addison, this is our shrink. Violet: Violet, hi. Bye. Sam: What did Cooper do this time? Violet: What does Cooper always do. Naomi and Sam: A woman. Violet: I can't believe this. I'm his colleague, not his chauffeur. (She walks away) Addison: So, this is co-op medicine. Sam: Yeah, doctors working together. It's me, Naomi, we have a pediatrician, a shrink, an alternative medicine practitioner... Naomi: Could you excuse us for just a minute? Sam: Sure I can. Good morning, Naomi. Naomi: Shut up. Addison: So, you two still work together. Naomi: Hey Pete. (Pete walks over to Sam) Pete: Who is that red head with your ex-wife? She's hot, possibly insane, but hot. Sam: Don't even think about it. (Addison and Naomi enter an office) Addison: You work with your ex-husband in a shrine for your ex-husband. Naomi: It's actually a good book. And we're friends. We stayed friends even after we got divorced. It's very healthy. We're healthy. Addison: What happened between you and Sam? Naomi: Addison, you and I were close in med school. It was a long time ago. Addison: Oh, Naomi, come on. You can't stay mad at me forever. I know you. Naomi: You got fat. Addison: I did not. Naomi: Your hair looks hideous. Addison: It does not. Naomi: And you're getting really, really ugly. Addison: Aww. I've missed you too. Naomi: So...why are you really here? Addison: You're a fertility specialist, one of the best. Naomi: You wanna have a baby? Addison: I wanna have a baby. (The clinic at SGH, Bailey finds Susan in the clinic hiccupping.) Bailey: Susan Grey. You sure you're in the right place? Susan: I have reflux...acid reflux. And the...hiccups come and go when it gets really bad. They stopped a few times but lately it's been getting worse. Bailey: Have you had chlorpromazine? Here you go. Thank you. Susan: Isn't that the crazy person's drug? Bailey: It's used as an anti-psychotic but it's also helpful with hiccups. If we don't stop these soon you will be a crazy person. Ok. Susan: Hey, how is Meredith doing? I know they have that big intern exam coming up and she's been really busy. I tried to call but...hey, no hiccups. Bailey: Chlorpromazine. (Addison is at the Oceanside wellness center on an exam table) Addison: I'm getting any younger, you know, and I always planned to have one. It's just...well, now; clearly a man is not in the cards for me. I mean this is Addison, post McDreamy, post McSteamy and I just have to... Naomi: Mc what? Addison: Forget it. You know what, lets never Mc anything. A baby, that is my answer. Find a sperm donor, have a baby. My new dream...a baby. Naomi: A baby's not really an answer it's more of a crying, puking non-answer. Addison: Yeah, but you did it. Naomi: With a husband. Addison: Yeah but you did it. You got married; you had a baby. You're my example. Naomi: Ok, we should check your FSH and your estrodial levels and we should probably do an antro-folical count. Addison: Holy crap. I'm gonna have a baby. (Sam is checking out a patient) Sam: Treadmill, huh? Kathy: Yeah Sam: Ok. What's going on? Kathy: I tried to take it up to 10 and do the hilly terrain mode, which you can do but only if you're an Olympian, so I paused and I went flying off... Sam: No, I mean, what's going on with you pushing yourself this hard? This is your fourth sports injury in three months. Kathy: I am a sexual person. I'm a normal sexual person. I like s*x. I need s*x. And he won't do it. He won't have s*x with me. He just... won't. Sam: I'm hoping you're talking about your husband. Well, I'm not hoping because of the no s*x part. Kathy: It's been 18 months. Sam: Wow. Kathy: 18 months! Do you have any idea what that is like? My husband won't do it. So you know what I do? Sam: Uh, you run. Kathy: I run. I run so I won't sleep with someone else. I run so I have someplace to channel my energies. I run so I won't pick up a tire iron and beat my husband to death. I need s*x! You'd do it with me, right? Sam: Hmm? I think you need to spend some time with our therapist. (Violet is picking up Cooper) Cooper: Hey! Hey. Thanks for the ride. Hey, have you been crying? Violet: Where's your car? Cooper: Were you crying? Violet: Where's your car? Cooper: Were you crying? Violet: You wanna walk? Cooper: I met a girl at a bar... on the Internet... and she borrowed my car. Violet: Cooper, did you file a police report? Cooper: She might bring the car back. She was gorgeous and hot and she... Violet: Okay, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper. All right, so you meet a strange woman on the Internet again. You bring her back to your apartment to have s*x with you again, and she steals from you again. What does that suggest to you about you? Cooper: That I'm an optimist. That I believe in magic. There there is a soul mate... out there waiting for me. Oh, Violet...Allen's not worth it. You deserve better. Violet: I know that. I do. I'm not... I'm not crying about him. I'm not. Don't look at me. Look over there. (Seattle scenes) (Izzie walks up to the nurse's station where Cristina and Meredith are.) Izzie: I switched my hours at the clinic so I can go to the bridal shop. Yay! Cristina: Did she cheer? She just cheered. Izzie: Someone's not being very bridey. Cristina: I am not a bride. I am a surgeon. Meredith: Don't tease the caged animal. Izzie: You're not excited? I'm excited. I love weddings. Weddings are all about hope and the future. (Callie walks up) Callie: Ok, I rescheduled an A.C.L. repair, but I wanna be clear. I will not be wearing pink or baby blue. I do not do flowers in my hair. And I will never be seen with a bow on my ass, ok? Cristina: See? She's got the right attitude. Thank you very much. Meredith: Hey. (Thatcher walks by) Thatcher: Hey. Hi. I...I'm here with Susan. She's down in the clinic. Meredith: The clinic? Is everything ok? Thatcher: Yeah. Izzie: Callie's a bridesmaid? Cristina: Yeah. Izzie: Yeah, ca...yes, of course. Callie's a bridesmaid. Fun. Yeah. Callie: Yeah. (Alex is walking through the hall with Jane Doe) Alex: You gotta do it. That kid of yours is gonna need you on your feet. Jane Doe: She's cute, huh? She's a cute shriveled kid. Alex: She's cute. Come on. Let's keep walking. Jane Doe: So... where is she? Red...I thought that was on. Alex: Walk. Jane Doe: Gossip Alex: Oh, you called it. She was too serious about the whole thing. Jane Doe: And Alex is a rolling stone. Alex: I was being thoughtful. Jane Doe: Yeah, right. And dumping red after one night is sensitive? So did she just take off? What'd you say to her? Did she cry? (Addison is in Sam's office. She keeps slapping him on top of his head.) Sam: Ow. Addison: Idiot. You divorced Naomi? Sam: Look, just mind your own business, ok...ouch. Addison: Moron. She is my best friend. Sam: Stop hitting me on top of my head. Addison: Did you cheat? Did... Sam: Ok, two things I learned way back in kindergarten...one, keep your hands to yourself, two, he who smelt it dealt it. Addison: That makes no sense. Sam: Yeah. Well...you cheated. You cheated on your husband with his best friend. There. Smelt it, dealt it...it works. Addison: You're using fart logic. Sam: Hey, if you want details, go see Naomi. Addison: She won't talk about it. Sam: Well, then you get no details. Addison: I'm on her side. You know that. Sam: That's why you get no details. Addison: Oh, details! Sam: Woman, be quiet. Addison: I've missed you. Sam: Yeah, well, you know, Naomi's known you longer, so she gets custody of you in the divorce. Addison: Yeah. (Addison and Naomi are in her office) Addison: So, uh, other than project baby, this is strictly a vacation. I am here to read trashy novels and go to the beach. Naomi: Ok, nobody over 30 goes to the beach. You should stay here at the practice, hang out. See how we work. It's more fun than a stuffy hospital and we have an empty office. Addison: Naomi, are you trying to lure me? Naomi: Look, maybe. We do have sunshine and cute boys. Addison: Yeah, speaking of which, cute boy behind the desk is tracking you with his eyes. Naomi: No, he's not. Addison: Oh, cute boy wants Naomi. Naomi: okay, maybe you should shut up... and go get some coffee or something... please. (Addison walks off and Naomi walks over to Dell) Naomi: You have to stop that. Dell: Stop what? Naomi: You cannot watch me like that. It's...not something you can do. I won't allow it. Dell: You can't make rules about my eyes. (Screaming can be heard from another room) Woman: That's enough! Man: No! Naomi: Did you hear that? (Naomi and the other doctors exits their offices and head toward the sound of the yelling) Sam: Did you hear that? Pete: What was that? Violet: Did I just hear? Man: I'm the father of that child! Man 2: No, I'm the father! Carol: If it's anybody's baby, it's mine! Cooper: Stop it! Calm down, everybody! Just...hey, hey, hey, hey! A little help here. A little help. Violet: Oh, my god, Cooper! Cooper! Carol: Oh, Dr. Freedman! Oh, god! Oh, that's great. Really great. Pete: You gotta be kidding me. (Meredith is in the clinic with Susan and Thatcher) Meredith: You could've called. Susan: Oh, it's such a silly problem. Hiccups? Thatcher: We didn't want to bother you. Meredith: Well, it's not silly if you can't sleep. Bailey: Chlorpromazine is good, but it doesn't always work long-term. We've had some good result with endoscopic gastroplication. Meredith: We put a tube down your throat and sew together the bottom of your esophagus to protect it from the acid in your stomach. It would be an outpatient procedure. Susan: I'm sold. Ready when you are. Thatcher: You're sure that that's not... Susan: Just think of it like breathing into a very expensive brown paper bag. Naomi: Ok, let me see if I can explain this to everyone. So Carol was married to Rick. Carol is now married to Doug. Keith is Lisa's husband. Keith: Uh, I'm Rick's husband. Carol: Life partner. Rick: You're just mad I left you for a man. Jim: I'm Lisa's husband. Naomi: And Lisa is the Carol: Surrogate carrying my child. Rick: Our child. Jim: You are not the father! You don't know that, Rick! I am so sick of you! Violet: Hey, hey! Okay, okay. Let's all try to remember that we are in a place of healing. Uh, Lisa...h-how are you feeling? Carol: Guilty. Guilty is how she is feeling. Violet: Wh-why is that, Lisa? Carol: Because the same week that I brought her here to be inseminated, she had s*x with him...and him...and him. And we have no idea who the father is. Yeah, she, um, really gets around. [SCENE_BREAK] (Conference room) Pete: Okay, how does this happen? How do you pick a super freak for a surrogate? Violet: I-I screened her. There was nothing thereto indicate she was... Cooper: s*x crazed? Insatiable? Violet: Cooper-like? Naomi: Ooh. Okay. The point is, everybody's flipping out over nothing. Medically, it has to be Rick's baby. We implanted Lisa with a fertilized embryo from Carol's egg and Rick's sperm. Cooper: Then Rick implanted some more of his own for good measure. Violet: Before he decided he was gay. Pete: I've treated Doug. I have him on valerian root for anxiety and stress. And I knew he was fooling around, but with his new wife's surrogate? Addison: Can I just, uh...I think the more pressing issue, uh, here, is that, uh, Lisa's had no prenatal care. She took off right after her,uh Cooper: Sex-a-thon? Hi. We haven't officially met. Cooper. Pediatrics. Addison: Hi. Uh, yeah, she...left town, and, uh, she and the baby need a complete workup. Um, who's your usual G.Y.N? Sam: Uh, she left the practice rather suddenly. Pete: I didn't do anything. Addison: Well, look, I would be happy to examine her. Trashy novels can wait. Cooper: Have you ever thought of... plying your trade in sunnier climes, Addison? Violet: "Sunnier climes"? Now we see why he has to type to pick up women. Cooper: Hey! Sam: Besides, we have a very strict no consorting rule here now. Pete: I didn't do anything. (Susan's OR) George: I can't wait to tell Meredith her step-mom hiccupped through the whole thing. She should be here for this. Bailey: Susan asked her to be with her father. She said he's having a lot of anxiety. George: And...Meredith is supposed to help with that? (Meredith in Thatcher are in the waiting room) Meredith: You know there's nothing to worry about. Thatcher: What I...what I worry about is Molly living in a new city alone with a baby most of the day. That's hard. And Lexie, who's...about to start her residency. She's a really good student, but it's grueling. Meredith: I know. Thatcher: You know. Right. And...I worry about you, too. How you're getting on, your mom...none of that was...simple. Meredith: Susan's really on you to talk to me, huh? Thatcher: I got to admit, I'm envious...that she's getting to know you, and I'm not yet. I think she may be faking these hiccups. Meredith: To get...us in the same place? (Violet's office) Paul: I guess I'm just not very sexual. Kathy: He's having an affair. He's not in love with me anymore. Paul: That's not true, honey. I love you. I love you so much. I...I want to do it. I just want to want to do it. Violet: Ok, Paul, I'm gonna give you some homework for next session. Paul: Homework? Violet: Have s*x with your wife. Kathy: Yay! Paul: Well, but... Violet: No matter what. Whether you're in the mood or not, have s*x. Do it in the bed, do it on the kitchen floor. Do you have a pool? Paul: Yes. Violet: Okay, do it in the pool. Have s*x. No pressure, no judgment, no expectations. Have s*x. Just...do it. (Sam and Pete are outside walking) Pete: We do need a new G.Y.N. Sam: Right. Pete: And Addison seems... Sam: Oh. Nun-unh. No. Absolutely not. Pete: What? Sam: Addison is a nice person. She is a decent person. She is a person. Pete: I'm lookin' for a person. Sam: Man, you're just looking. Pete: At least I'm trying. (Woman walks up) Woman: Dr. Feelgood. Hey. I love you. Sam: Hi. Thank you. Pete: Okay, Dr. Feelgood, this is what I'm saying. Your career is taking off, girls like that are throwing themselves at you. - You should be celebrating. Sam: Celebrating? I just got a divorce. Pete: You got a little tiny dog, and you cook it chicken, and you talk to it. That's not normal. Sam: Hey, easy. All right? I'm alone because I choose to be. It's...it's a choice. Pete: So you're saying that you're not interested in Addison, but I can't have her. Sam: See, Addison isn't the type of woman you have. She's a marriage woman. All right? She's gonna want a commitment, and you... Pete: Hey, I do not sleep around. No. You are a serial monogamist, all right? You...you date a girl, you romance a girl, and then when it's time to commit...you cut and you run. Pete: I do not. Sam: Linda, uh, Karen, uh, Julie. Then there was Tricia, Amy, Carrie, the other Linda...we can't forget... Pete: Fine. I won't ask her out. Sam: Good boy. That's a good boy. (Exam room) Naomi: And the week before I implanted the embryo, you slept with how many, three? Three men. Addison: We're almost done here, Lisa, and then we'll do the amniocentesis. Lisa: You're on carol's side. Naomi: I'm carol's doctor. You came to us. You applied to be a surrogate. It was your choice. Lisa: I know. I just...I was about to hand my body over to a baby that's not mine for nine months, which is a big responsibility. That...hit me...the responsibility...and I just... they all wanted me. Me. And f-for once, I just stopped thinking and I just...I did something wild. Dr. Montgomery, is something wrong? Addison: I'm gonna run some more tests. (Meredith is walking Susan and Thatcher out) Meredith: You promise me you'll take it easy. Susan: I have a stack of DVDs to watch, and I expect your father to feed me by hand. Meredith: So just call if you have any questions. Thatcher: It was nice t-talking with you. Meredith: Bye. Susan: Bye. Thatcher: Bye-bye. (George enters the elevator where Izzie is) Izzie: Any news about Mercy West? George: Uh, there's a spot. There's a lot of takers, but they said it looks good. Izzie: So after the intern exam... George: I'm not an unfaithful guy. I'm not a cheater. Izzie: You think it'll happen again if you stay here... George: No. I don't know. Izzie: With me? George. George: I have to go. (Hallway at Oceanside wellness) Violet: Sam. Sam: Yeah. Violet: So Paul and Kathy, I gave them an assignment. I told 'em to do it. He didn't rise to the occasion. Sam: Nothing? No wood. Violet: Not even a twig. There's gotta be something physical going on, right? Because the only other option...that he just doesn't love her anymore...I mean, that's just... Cooper: Not the only option. I mean, did they meet in the drama department in college? Sam: Could be a thyroid thing, anemia. Could be a bunch of stuff. Cooper: Have you checked for extreme ugliness? Violet: Okay, not funny. Will you get back to me... Sam: Yes, I will. Violet: With what you find soon? Sam: Okay. Yes. Violet: And, Cooper, you know what? Ugly people have s*x, Cooper. Cooper: Ew. Violet: Ugly people are people, too. (Addison is in the elevator, talking to herself) Addison: Okay. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? (Mark walks up to Alex at a nurse's station) Mark: You fill out this E.E.G. request on Ava? Alex: Yeah, you asked for it. Mark: I asked you to run labs on her every other day. What the hell is this? Alex: Shepherd's doing a full neuro workup. Just get the hell of my... Mark: Go ahead. I would love to have an excuse to lay you out. Alex: I didn't do anything. Mark: Whatever you didn't do sent Addison running for the hills. (Seattle scenes) (Addison is at Naomi's house) Addison: Okay, this guy is 6'2",dark hair, green eyes, totally healthy. He plays the violin, and he's a physicist. That is good sperm. Geeky, but, uh, good. Naomi: Lisa has extra donors if you want to borrow one. Her tests come in yet? Addison: No, tomorrow. I don't want to ring any alarm bells till we're sure. Addison: What about this guy? He's a marine biologist. Good hair. Naomi: Are you sure you want to do this? Your life is really gonna change. Addison: That's why I'm doing this. I want my life to change. I need...my life to change. I mean, look, you have Maya. You're family. You did everything the way you were supposed to. You didn't wait. Naomi: Maybe I should have. Waited. Addison: What do you mean? Naomi: Addison, I did everything exactly the way I was supposed to. After college, I never dated anybody but Sam, because he was the one. I never had s*x with anybody but Sam because cheating is wrong. I had a baby because...that's what you do when you get married. I never made a single mistake. I did everything right. And then Sam comes home and says he wants a divorce. So all those photos you're...busy admiring, all they are, are reminders of all the stuff I didn't do. I'm 38 years old, and I don't know how to have fun. That's not lucky. That's sad. So just... shut up about lucky! Addison: Poor...sad...dried up Naomi. Naomi: Shut up. Addison: Poor little, special talented doctor girl. Let's make a made-for-TV movie...about the poor little, dried up special girl who has no fun. Naomi: I could put you out. You'd have to sleep in the car. I just...I just wish I'd been a little more like you. Addison: What, an adulterous bitch who forgot to have kids? (Violet is at the grocery store) Allen: Violet? Violet: Allen. Allen: Hey! Violet: Great to see you. Allen: How you doing? Violet: I'm great. Really. I'm really wonderful. Allen: Well, I saw you and I...I didn't want to be rude. So I hope it's okay. Violet: You know, it's just... it's really wonderful to see you. You look, uh... you look really wonderful. (Woman walks up) Cami: They didn't have the gouda you like, but they had a camembert...hi. Violet: Hi. Allen: This is Violet. Cami: Violet...oh, Violet. Hi. Nice to meet you. I...I'm Cami. Violet: Okay. Cami: Allen's wife. God, I still can't get used to that word...wife. Allen: Yeah. Violet: Wife? How long have you been married? Cami: Newlyweds...eight weeks. Violet: Oh, congratulations. Congratulations. Cami: Nice to meet you. (LA scenes) (Oceanside's kitchen) Cooper: Hey, Addison, uh, latte? Or...more of a cappuccino. Addison: Lisa's baby has something called placenta accreta. Violet: Is that bad? Addison: The placenta abnormally attaches to the uterine wall. It makes delivering dangerous for both mom and baby. But there was something else. Cooper: That's not enough? Addison: The baby has some genetic markers that don't match Carol, just Lisa. Naomi: What? The embryo... Addison: Did not implant. Naomi: This is Lisa's baby? Addison: Which also means that the paternity is once again up for grabs. Good luck. I'm off to the beach. Cooper: Uh, you can't leave. Someone has to tell the patient. Honestly, I have...I have...low people skills with anybody over 12. Violet: It...it's true. An internet hooker just stole his car... Cooper: Violet! Privacy. She was not...she just...she borrowed my car. She...she borrowed it. Borrowed. (Cooper, Pete and Sam are at the impound lot) Cooper: 911 turbo, hand-sewn leather seats. 911 turbo with hand-sewn leather seats. Who does that to a 911? Pete: A chick. A crazy chick. Cooper: But she was so hot. Pete: A crazy hot chick. Sam: I loved that car. That was a single man's car. Cooper: That's the point. I mean, I...I thought maybe I was done being single. I thought she was gonna be the mother of my children. Sam: What was her name again? Cooper: Sexyboobs316. Pete: Are you...dude, are you crying? Cooper: No. Sam: You better be crying about that car and not over sexyboobs315. Cooper: 316. 316. Pete: I can't. I...I can't. I'm gonna hurt him. Sam: Let's just say he's crying over the car and the woman. All right? There we go. Let it out. Let it out. (Seattle scenes) (Burke enters a bridal shop where Cristina is wearing a wedding dress and Meredith, Callie and Izzie are wearing bridesmaids gowns) Burke: Uh, Cristina? Helen: That's a pretty one. Jane: Moves very well in it. Looks quite natural. Burke: You paged? Cristina: I need you over here. Burke: Should I be seeing you in the dress before the wedding? Cristina: You think I'm wearing this? Burke: Well, it is very feminine. Cristina: Exactly. Do you know your mother booked a chapel that sits 200 people? Okay, how did I get bridesmaids, huh? Freakin' stupid cotton-candy colored bridesmaids? No offense. What happened to our small ceremony? What happened to you and me at city hall? Burke: I didn't...I didn't think you were serious. Callie: I am not wearing this. Meredith: Oh, I gotta get to the hospital. Callie: You know, we should, uh, give 'em some privacy. Izzie: What? Oh! Oh, you want me to go over there with you... by myself. Callie: Yeah. Izzie: Ok. Callie: Ok. Cristina: You want a big wedding? You want the chapel, you want the guests and me in a white dress? Burke: Well... yes. I'm a traditional man, Cristina. Cristina: Are you kidding me? Burke: No. Jane: The saleslady has another batch of dresses for you to see, Cristina. Cristina: Oh, thank you... mama. (Cristina walks away) Jane: Cristina has certainly made quite an effort. Tried on, I would say, over a hundred dresses, and that certainly could not have been easy for her. Burke: Yeah, mama, I know she seems disinterested in wedding planning. But Cristina...she's not cold. I know she seems cold Jane: Preston... if you think Cristina is right for you, I trust you. I trust your instincts. (Conference room at Oceanside) Carol: And the baby...the, um, the baby isn't even mine? Doug: Honey, calm down. Carol: Calm down? Lisa: You mean I can keep this baby if I want to? Violet: Uh, legally, yes. Rick: So who's the father? Cooper: We won't know the paternity of the baby till after Lisa delivers. Addison: More urgent at the moment is the placenta accreta. The fact is, Lisa is at risk of having a life-threatening hemorrhage and the baby could deliver pre-term. Jim: So you're saying they could die? Addison: There is a risk of death, yes. Lisa, I know you're scared. If you do go into pre-term labor, you'll have a c-section. And they'll monitor it and control it so that they have a better chance of saving your uterus and your life. Lisa: And you'll save us, me and the baby? Addison: Well, I have... I have to get back to Seattle. I have a practice. But I can refer you to someone local who... Lisa: No, I want you. You be there. (Sam's office) Sam: I thought Kathy was coming to the appointment today. Paul: Just...Kathy didn't come home last night. And, you know, I don't blame her, but it's just...what...what if she's with some guy right now? Some guy...some...some guy who can...who can bring it? Sam: Okay. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. It's okay. All right? There are plenty of medical reasons for low s*x drive. All right? Paul: Sorry. Sorry. (Kathy enters) Paul: Honey...where were you? Kathy: I was out. All night? And I had a chance to cheat, believe me. But I passed. Okay? I passed up being with someone who actually wants to be with me because I am stuck with you. You're crying? Sam: Okay, let's...let's all just calm down here. Kathy: All right...I'll be in the waiting room. Paul: Oh! She's starting to hate me. What am I gonna do if little Paul can't perform? Sam: Okay. Don't talk about your pen1s while you hug another man. Paul: I'm sorry, man. Sam: It's okay. Paul: I'm sorry. Sam: Let's draw some blood. Paul: Okay, let's draw some blood. (Mark walks up to the desk where Derek is) Mark: What's in L.A.? Derek: What? Mark: For Addison. Any idea...what she might be doing there? Derek: Naomi and Sam are down there, I guess. I don't know. You all right? Mark: We were gonna try. We were gonna make a go of it... as a couple. She bet me I couldn't go 60 days without having s*x. Derek: Oh. Let me guess. You couldn't do it. Mark: No, she couldn't. She didn't want to be with me. I thought she did. I thought she might. But she didn't. And I caught her. You know... Derek: Sleeping with somebody else? Oh, that must have been so hard for you. Not that I can't relate. Mark: So I told her I did it. Derek: You told her you did it? Mark: I told her I lost the bet. I told her I slept with someone. I figured if she didn't want to be with me, she shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Derek: Selfless. That's...out of character. Mark: Yeah. Anyway, uh... I was just wondering if you knew what was in L.A. Derek: No. (Addison is in Naomi's office) Addison: Okay, now I am going to the beach. Naomi: Wait, Addie. Your test results came back in. Addison: I think I'm gonna go with physicist guy. Naomi: Your F.S.H. Level is high. Well, they're high this month. We can do, uh, ovarian stimulation. Naomi: And your antral follicle count is only two. Addison: That could be due to stress. Naomi: Addison, I'm sorry. I did all the tests. There's no fertility potential here. Addison: Okay. Uh... this is good. This is, um... oh, this is just... perfect. Naomi: Addison... Addison: I have the great guy. I don't have a baby because I'm focusing on my career. And then I have the other guy. I don't have his baby because he's not the great guy. And now I don't have the great guy or the other guy, and I'm finally ready to have a baby, and I can't. That is so... exactly what my life is. Exactly what my life is. Naomi: I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted this. Addison: It's okay. I just, um... I just didn't realize I was out of time, that's all. Naomi: Addie, please stay so we can... Addison: No, it's okay. I'm fine. Thank you... for telling me. Thank you. I will see you at home. (Addison enters the elevator) Voice: Looks like you had a bad day. Addison: Okay... enough. Okay? Not today. This is not a good day. All right? So why don't you just... shut up? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! All right, then.

After things become too complicated in Seattle, Addison travels to Los Angeles to reunite with her old friends from Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons . Much to her best friend's shock, the real reason for her visit is in order to get pregnant but she is devastated to learn that she cannot. Whilst there, Addison assists her friend in treating a surrogate mother, who had sex with three different men who all claim that the baby is theirs. Cristina finds difficulty in planning her wedding under the constant watch of her and Burke's mother, who are determined to create an extravagant wedding, despite her wishes of having a small ceremony. Callie is surprised to be invited to be Cristina's bridesmaid. Susan is admitted to the hospital, bringing Thatcher with her, but he suspects that she might be trying to bring Thatcher and Meredith together by faking hiccups. Mark talks to Derek and expresses his disappointment in not working things out with Addison, who he had truly fallen in love with. Burke is surprised when his mother tells him that he's making a mistake marrying Cristina, but she reassures him that she supports his decision. George is determined to transfer to Mercy West, despite Izzie's continuous begging. Addison becomes the temporary obstetrician-gynecologist at the Oceanside Wellness Center in Los Angeles and deals with the aftermath of the discovery that she cannot have children. She is comforted by Pete Wilder who flirts with and eventually kisses her. The doctors offer her a position, but she denies it after realizing that Seattle is where her life is. The Los Angeles team also continue to treat a man with no sex drive, which infuriates his wife, who has a high one. After Susan returns to the hospital with chest pain, she is rushed into emergency surgery and ultimately dies. Thatcher is devastated by the news and blames Meredith for her death, and slaps her. George and Burke confide in each other about their relationship problems, and Burke's intensify after an argument with his mother. Izzie finds difficulty in accepting that George is going to transfer because of her, but realizes that she can't deny her feelings towards him, which leads to them kissing. Meanwhile, Derek must perform surgery on Ava and she gets her hopes high after realizing that she might get her memory back.

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x05

fd_How_I_Met_Your_Mother_02x05_0

Ted (from 2030): Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in new york, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did. In Barney's bed, Lily and Barney wake up. Barney: Aaaaaaah! Lily: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ted (from 2030): It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. It all started two weeks earlier at Lily's housewarming. Lily's apartment. Lily: Welcome to my new home. Ted: Oh, wow, Lily, this is... Oh, this is all of it. Lily: Yeah,I know it's small, but it's got character. Thank you. And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. They're great. They're always out there in the hall, you know, cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. It's nice. Ted: Hey,is that a toilet in your kitchen? Robin: Or a stove in your bathroom? Lily: Oh, that's not just a stove. That's a stovenkerator: a combination of a stove, oven and sink and refrigerator. Stovenkerator. Isn't that futuristic? Ted: God,I hope not. Hey, cool murphy bed. Lily: It's kind of a mess. I didn't make my bed this morning, so... Robin: Oh! You know what? I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. For some reason. Ted: Hold on, I got it. (A man's voice speaking Lithuanian is heard) Lily: That was "something, something, I am going to something you like a something donkey. Robin: Uh. Other cultures! Lily: Hey, let's break out the fruit basket. Hey, who ate all the...? (Mouse squeaking) Aaaaaah! CREDIT TITLES At MacLaren's. Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon. Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I've got dogs and she's allergic. Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's a little more allergic to that. Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch. Barney: The fortress of barnitude? No way. Robin: Come on. She's desperate. Barney: Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but... pass. Marshall (arriving): One of you guys is very, very lucky because I have... A boom! An extra ticket to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in? Robin: Absolutely not. Ted: No. Marshall: Damn! I got these tickets like months ago for me and Lily and now I can't find anyone to go with me. This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch! Ted: Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone. Marshall: Oh, you don't think I've tried? [FLASHBACK] Marshall: Table for one. Head waiter: One... Couple? Marshall: Um, no, just me. Head waiter: Really? For brunch? Marshall: You're right. Who am I kidding? [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow? Ted: Of course, sweetie. Marshall: Can I go with you guys? Ted: Really? For brunch? Marshall: God, I hate being single! At Barney's apartment.Barney (on the phone): Okay,I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. Oh and P. to the S., I never got my payout from Seattle from two weeks ago. Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. I'm sure they'd be very interested to know what's going on over there. All right? All right? Okay, I love you too Mom. Take care. (He hangs up) Hello Lily. You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. How did you do it? Lily: Ted gave me your spare key. Ted: Spare key! Brilliant! Lily: I'm sorry,but you know I'd only come here if I had no other choice. But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and... [FLASHBACK. Lily tries to spread out her bed and the wall collapses]Lily (to her Lithuanian neighbor): Sveikas (=Hello) [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: That's terrible. Well, see ya. Lily: Wait, can I stay here maybe? Barney: I'd let you, but I don't have any room. Lily: You live in a two-bedroom apartment. You have one room just for your suits. Barney: Hey I'm at a point in my life where my suits are my family. Look around you Lily. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now,you can try to apply for a s*x visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. 14 if you qualify for multiple entry. Lily: Ewww!...Is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say give me multiple high fives. Barney: Wow, you really are desperate. Lily: I really am. Barney: Oh okay, you can stay here for two days. But I only have one rule. You can't change anything. Lily: Why would I change anything? This place is... Perfect. Except for the fact that you don't have a TV. Barney: See that wall? 300-inch flat-screen. They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. Had to ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong. Lily: It hurts my eyes. Barney: Yeah. That doesn't go away. At the apartment, Marshall arrives. Ted: Hey, where have you been? Marshall: The Alanis Morissette concert. Ted: By yourself? Marshall: No,actually I went with a friend from law school. Robin: Oh,really? Who's this friend? Marshall: Brad. [FLASHBACK. At MacLaren's] Brad: Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks! Marshall: Totally! I can't believe I almost didn't come tonight. Brad: Let me guess: you bought the tickets for you and Lily right before she dumped you. Marshall: Yeah, how'd you know? Brad: I just got dumped myself. Marshall: What? Kara broke up with you? I'm sorry,man. That sucks. Brad,do you like brunch? [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You invited him to brunch? Marshall: Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why? Is that weird? Ted: Yes. That's why I was all "you invited him to brunch?" Marshall: Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch? Ted: Because brunch is kind of... Robin: Girly. Marshall: Girly? Breakfast isn't girly. Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly? Ted: I don't know. There's nothing girly about a horse, nothing girly about a horn, but put them together and you get a unicorn. Marshall: I don't care what either of you say, I am going to the Popover Pantry with Brad. We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch. At Barney's apartment, Lily cooks breakfast. Barney: Uhm, smells delicious. Lily: Thank you. There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... (Barney puts the breakfast in the trash) What are you doing? Barney: Lily, what was the first rule again? Lily: "Don't change anything"? Barney: And what was the second rule? Lily: There was no second rule. Barney: Exactly! There was only one rule and you broke it. Lily: I bought groceries. That counts as changing something? Barney: Lily, if I wanted a fridge full of groceries or fresh coffee in the morning, I'd be in a relationship. But I don't want to be in a relationship. That's why I make it crystal-clear to every girl that walks through that door that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. This is a place to leave. Come on, 'll give you a tour. Uh, no flash photography please. Bienvenido to the bedroom. Dig this: King-sized bed, full-sized blanket, one pillow. Everything about this bed says "our work here is done." Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. What, only one towel? What, no hairdryer? You know where I keep that stuff? Your place. Beat it. And the coup de grâce... Yeah, that's right. Patent-pending. And wilkommen to the hallway. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their p0rn... Lily: Marshall doesn't have p0rn. Barney: Aww, that's sweet. While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their p0rn, I had mine professionally lit. Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough. Lily: And if that doesn't drive them away, there's always your life-sized storm-trooper. Barney: No,that's just awesome. So you see, whenever a girl wakes up here, I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. My apartment does it for me. At Popover Pantry. Marshall: God, I love brunch. Brad: Oh, damn... The zucchini bread is ridonculous. Marshall: This isn't weird, right? Brad: I sort of thought it might be, but it totally isn't. Oh and btw, you totally did not oversell the eggs benny. Marshall: Right? Right? Brad: I mean, why can't two single bros go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style? Marshall: Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying. Brad: This must be destiny. Marshall: What are you talking about? Brad: I have two tickets for Mamma Mia! friday night. You like Abba, right? What am I saying?Who doesn't? Anyway, I was gonna take Kara, but now it's all you and me. We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say? Marshall: Yeah! At Barney's apartment, a girl watches him sleep. Barney: Hey. Did the cold wake you? Girl: No,I've just been watching you sleep. Barney: Oh,did you try and take a shower? I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel. Girl: I don't buy into the myth that we need to shower every day. Barney: Okay. I'd offer you some coffee, but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to... Girl: I'm boycotting coffee. You may as well drink the tears of a colombian peasant farmer. God, I love this place. Good thing I don't have a job because I could stay here all day. Barney: I think I left something on the bookshelf. Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look (he shows her his p0rn) Oh, I'm disgusting. Girl: Wow, you're open about your sexuality and that's one of the reasons I love you. Did I just say that? Oh well. Cat's out of the bag. I love you. Barney: Whoa, uh, okay. Beep beep. Backing up, um... Lily (walking in): Barney... Oh! Girl: Oh my god! Are you married? Is this your wife? Barney: What? No. Yes! Girl: Yes? Barney: Yes. Girl: You son of a bitch! I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple. Barney: Come on, baby. please, no. You don't understand. What have I done? This is the worst. How could you...? (The girl is gone. To Lily) You're not going anywhere. Live claritin clear. Wow, that was close. That hippie chick wouldn't leave. She was ready to squat here. Lily: Well, she'd have to with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she? Barney: She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment... Except you. You're better than p0rn. Lily: Thank you. Barney: How would you like to extend your stay here? All you'd have to do is pretend to be my wife, and scare off the occasional one-night stand. I know,I know. You've got your ethics. You've got your principles... Lily: I'll do it. Barney: Really? Lily: Barney,you've clearly got some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But, in my other apartment, I would be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win. Barney: I'll take it. [SCENE_BREAK] At MacLaren's: Ted: Mamma mia!? Marshall: Mamma mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonies and stuff. Ted: No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date. Robin: Ooh, third date. You know what that means. Marshall: It is not a date,okay. It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show. Ted: You bros going to get dinner beforehand? Marshall: We might grab a steak, yeah. Ted: Where at? Marshall: Café l'amour. (Ted and Robin laugh) Brad says the food is really good there, okay? Robin: Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your "A" game. That means no granny panties. Marshall: All right, you know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Brad and I are taking back Broadway. Ted: What are you going to wear? Marshall: I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin... (Ted and Robin laugh) Oh, you know what? Shut up. At Barney's apartment, Barney takes breakfast with a girl. Barney: Can you pass the arts and leisure? (The girl does it. More loudly) Can you pass the arts and leisure? Girl: I just did. Lily (walking in): Honey, I'm... Barney, what the hell is going on here? Barney: Lily, I can explain... Lily: How could you? In our own home? (She slaps him) You b*st*rd! Girl: I'm so sorry. I-i didn't know he had... Lily: Just get out. This is what I get after I worked as a stripper for four years to put you through medical school? I got breast implants for you. I... (The girl is gone) I was just about to turn on the tears. Barney: Brava. That was incredible. And that slap was genius. You did not hold back. Lily: Yeah, that I just always wanted to do. Barney: Fair enough. I have to say, it's kind of nice having food around here for a change. Lily: You know... Oh nah, never mind. Barney: What? You're my wife. You can tell me anything. Lily: Well,if you really wanted to sell this ruse, we should try to make this place a little more... You know, homey. Like... Like a woman would actually live here. Barney: What did you have in mind? (Barney and Lily redecorate the apartment, putting pillows on the couch, changing the living-room carpet, switching the storm-stooper for a plant, adding flowers on the kitchen counter and replacing the p0rn on the bookshelves by books) At the apartment. Ted: Hey,you're home. I didn't think we'd be seeing you until tomorrow morning. Marshall: Ha,ha,ha,ha. It wasn't a date. Okay, it was a date and it got way weird. [FLASHBACK. At café l'amour.] Marshall: Oh, you really don't have to do that. Brad: No, I insist. You're my guest. Marshall: Thanks, Brad. Brad: Bro. You got some chocolate on your chin. Still there. I'll get that bad boy. (He licks his serviette and cleans Marshall's chin) [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Woah! Robin: Well, it could have been worse. It could have fallen in your lap. Marshall: It gets worse. [FLASHBACK. At the restaurant, Brad helps Marshall with his coat.] Marshall: No, I can do it, Brad. Okay,thank you. Brad: So anyway,ah,it's this Saturday. Do you want to come? Marshall: You want me to go to a wedding with you? [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Okay, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like "Wedding crashers". Robin: Just keep Brad away from the bouquet. Marshall: It gets worse. [FLASHBACK] Brad: It gets better.The foliage in Vermont this time of year is ridonc. Marshall: Vermont? Brad: Yeah,the wedding's at this awesome B&B. Kara and I used to go there. Anyway, there is one room left,and we got it. Walt Whitman Suite, bro. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You said no, right? Marshall: Of course. [FLASHBACK] Brad: I understand. It's cool. It's the first time I was going to see my college friends since Kara left me. I just... I just miss her so much. (Brad starts sobbing) Marshall: I'll go to Vermont with you. Brad: That's great! You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn. I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat. [END OF FLASHBACK] (Ted and Robin laugh) Ted: I'm sorry. It's not funny anymore. Marshall: Damn you,brunch! This guy's crazy, right? Ted: Look,I don't think he's crazy. I just think he's suffering from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch. Robin: And now you have to do what every dysfunctional couple has to do: Break up. Marshall: You're right. You're right. I promised brad I would go to the wedding with him,and then that is it. Ted: Good man. In Barney's bedroom, Lily and Barney put pillows on the bed. Lily: Oh,I think we made the right decision going for the custom-made italian sheets. Barney: Hey, if my bed's going suit up, it's going to do it right. Want to give it a whirl? Lily (jumping on the bed): Oh. Ooooh! Barney: All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars. What are you going to do tonight? Lily: Oh, I was just going to watch "Letterman" but, God this bed is so comfy. I wish you had a TV in here. (Barney turns on a another wall-size TV) Okay, seriously, what do you do for a living? Barney: Please. (He settles himself on the bed) Lily: I thought you were going out. Barney: Eh. After the monologue. Ted (from 2030): The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan, your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment to leave for the wedding in Vermont. But when he got there... (Brad waits on the sidewalk, holding flowers) Marshall: No. No... No. No! No! (On the phone) Ted. Um, Brad got me flowers. Ted: Hold on. (To Robin) Brad got him flowers. (They laugh) I'm sorry. It just got funny again. (Marshall hangs up) Brad: Oh, hey... Marshall: No, Brad, uh, I don't want to hear it. I do like you. And calla lilies are my favorite flower. I don't know how you knew that. I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man. I can't believe that you would... (A girl arrives) Girl: Hey,sweetie. Brad: Hey. (They kiss and Brad give her the flowers) Girl: Aww. Hey, Marshall. Marshall: Hi, Kara. So you guys,are like back together now? Brad: Yeah. Happened last night. Uh, I'm sorry, bro. I should have called you. Marshall: Yeah, you should have. Brad: Well, I didn't mean to hurt... Marshall: Don't, Brad. Just don't. (He leaves) Kara: Oh, what was with him? Brad: I don't know. I think he's in love with me. In Barney's bed, Barney and Lily wake up. Barney: Aaaaaah! Lily: Aaaaaaaaaaah! Barney: I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done? Lily: Nothing. Nothing happened. We... We just went to sleep. Barney: "Just went to sleep"? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You! You spooned me against my will. Lily: Hey,it takes two to cuddle. Barney: We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a friday night to watch "Letterman", and then slept together and didn't have s*x? Oh my God! We're in a relationship! Lily: That's what you think a relationship is? Barney: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go. Lily: Barney. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and... And it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you. Barney: Uh-uh. You gotta go. Lily: Hey, you can't just kick me out! I put a lot of work into this place, and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living. Barney: "A certain standard of living"? You didn't pay a single... Ted (from 2030): And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. Fortunately, they reached a settlement. And that's the story of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment. Ted (from 2030): Marshall ran into Brad again some time later. Marshall: Oh my God, it's Brad. Laugh like I said something really funny. (Ted laughs) Ted: That was great. Marshall: Right? Right? Brad: Hey, Marshall. Marshall: Oh, hey, hey, how's it going? Brad: It's good. (To ted) Hey, I'm uh... Ted: Yeah, I know who you are. Brad: Well,I got to go. I got this thing. Marshall: Yeah, me too, but more important. Brad: So, I guess I'll see you around. Marshall: Sure. Sure. (Brad leaves) Even if you don't believe it, tell me he looks fat. Ted: Totally looks fat.

Lily moves into Barney's apartment. It works well at first, as Lily gets rid of Barney's conquests by pretending to be his wife. Barney throws her out when he's disappointed to find that they slept in his bed together without having sex.

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Skyline: Fireworks explode. ACT ONE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment - Kitchen - PRESENT DAY Frasier is cooking a full-course dinner on the stove, stirring something with one hand and talking on his cordless phone with the other. Frasier: Yeah, I had a great time today too, Charlotte. Oh nothing, really. I'm having the folks over for dinner. Just the family, and Roz. Well, I've done it a thousand times before. Okay, I'll, uh, see you tomorrow. Bye. He hangs up the phone and reaches for a small, reddish earthenware vessel on the counter, which is holding his kitchen spoons and a spatula. He picks it up by its rim, which breaks off in his hand. He sighs and gathers up the spoons and the pieces. Frasier: For God's sake... this thing breaks like crockwork. [laughs to himself] Crockwork, I'll tell you... ah Frasier, once again you've suffered the tragedy of being clever, and alone. He prepares to toss the pieces into the garbage, then stops, looking thoughtful. The camera zooms in on the crock in his hand... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Living Room And fades in on the crock on the dinner table, as Martin is patching it up with glue. SUPRA: "2003" Frasier comes out of the kitchen with wine glasses. He begins to set the table. Frasier: Oh for God's sake, Dad, would you please throw that thing away? Martin: Why, what for? When I get through gluing it, it'll be as good as new. The doorbell rings. Frasier: It wasn't any good when it was new! It's just an ugly, worthless pot. Martin goes to the kitchen. Frasier answers the door to Daphne. Daphne: Hello! Frasier: Oh, hi! [kisses her cheek and hugs her] How was the honeymoon? Daphne: Oh, Tahiti was absolute paradise - except for poor Niles getting sunburned. Niles staggers in. His face is beet red, and - judging by his ginger movements - so is the rest of him. Frasier: Oh dear, Niles. You look like you've crawled out of a bisque. Niles: And you look like someone who doesn't want his Paul Gauguin souvenir oven mitt. He takes it out of his shopping bag, and Frasier accepts it gratefully. Frasier: Niles, you remembered. Martin comes out with a beer. Martin: Hey guys, welcome back! Daphne: Oh hello, Martin. Niles: Hey. Daphne notices that Frasier is wearing a blazer. Daphne: You're a bit dressed up for a family dinner. Frasier: Oh well, Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet. Niles: Ooh, a lady friend? Frasier: No, we're going to form a jazz trio, Niles. Of course it's a lady friend, you cherry-faced fool. Martin: So you want us to clear out? Frasier: No, no, no, you don't have to do that. If I don't like her, Roz will just take her away. We've agreed upon a safety word: enchanté. If circumstances should dictate, all I have to do is say it, and Roz will know that I'm not interested. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Niles, would you mind getting that? That's probably Roz. Uh, I'm just going to get rid of Dad's arts and crafts project here, all right? Frasier gathers the crock and Martin's supplies and goes back to the kitchen. Niles opens the door to Roz and her friend, Lisbeth. Niles: Hi, Roz. Roz: Oh hi - hey, you guys are back! Hey, Martin. Martin: Roz. Roz: This is my friend Lisbeth. Lisbeth: Hiya. She shakes Niles' hand, then draws back as he winces in pain. He waves it off and ushers the two women in. They sit on the couch. [N.B. During the creation of the show eleven years ago, the writers originally conceived of Martin's home health care worker being a sassy Hispanic, with Rosie Perez in mind for the role; Jane Leeves was cast only after they changed their minds and made the character an Englishwoman. Perez's appearance here is perhaps a nod to that forgotten idea.] [N.B.B. Perez also voiced the guest caller Francesca in [2.12], "Roz in the Doghouse."] Niles: Yes, come in, this is Daphne and Martin, and, yes... can I get you a glass of wine? Roz: Oh, please! [to her] Frasier has the greatest wine. Lisbeth: Oh, sounds good to me. Life's too short to drink bad wine, right? Niles: [pleased] Amen to that! Lisbeth: Just a half a glass, with club soda. [to Roz] You know how I love my spritzer. Niles turns toward the kitchen. If he could say "enchanté" for Frasier, he would. Niles: Frasier? Frasier comes out. Frasier: What...? [feigning surprise] Oh, hi! Roz, what a pleasant surprise. The two women stand. Roz: This is Lisbeth. We were just shopping in the neighborhood, and thought we'd stop by. Frasier: Well, how lovely. [shakes her hand] It's a pleasure to meet you, Elizabeth. Lisbeth: It's not Elizabeth, it's "Lisbeth." Frasier: Ah, like Lisbon! Lisbeth: Like a what? Frasier: Enchanté. [glances at Roz] Lisbeth: Right, and meeting you was just... super. She also glances at Roz, who looks guilty as Frasier glares at her. They still haven't dropped their hands. Frasier: Yes, the feeling is mutual. [at Roz] Enchanté, enchanté, enchanté. Lisbeth: Oh, and for me it's just been super. [at Roz] Super, super! Roz: I took a shot. Frasier: Yes. Lisbeth: Yeah. Frasier: Well, I guess we can stop shaking hands now. Lisbeth: Oh well, I'm ready whenever you are. Frasier: Well, then just let go. Lisbeth: I did, you're holding on to me. Frasier: What...? Oh, dear. Dad, what kind of glue were you using on that pot? Martin: [sighs] Super. Lisbeth: How could you be so stupid as to glue us together?! [to Roz] I thought you said he was smart! Niles: Don't panic, I-I seem to recall that-that Superglue can be dissolved with acetone - you know, nail polish remover. Daphne: He's the smart one. How did you know that? Niles: I knew that from, uh... from school. Frasier: School lunches! The Kriezel brothers used to glue a cafeteria tray to his tie. [N.B. He would also know from [2.21], "An Affair to Forget," when Daphne unstuck a piece of a model ship from his hand.] Daphne: Well, I suppose we'd better get some. Let's go to the drug store. She picks up her purse and Niles follows her out. Lisbeth: Drug store? Oh, I gotta go. Frasier: No, no, they'll be back in ten minutes. Lisbeth: No, no, no, I gotta go. I started the new juice diet, and I got sixty-four ounces of cran-raspberry looking for a new home. Frasier: Oh, for God's sake. All right, I'll tell you what, uh, just, uh, here, just come right in here, there you are... Martin and Roz watch, fascinated but disturbed, as Frasier opens the powder room door and maneuvers Lisbeth inside, keeping his back turned to her. Frasier: All right, just a moment, uh... He closes the door with his face wedged between it and the jam, with his arm behind him and keeping his gaze fixed on the living room. Frasier: Are you there? Lisbeth: [from inside] Almost. Frasier slides his face down the doorjamb, hunching over to let Lisbeth move. Lisbeth: That's close enough. Could you maybe put on some music? Frasier: Dad, could you put on some music, please? Martin: Yeah, sure. Uh, what do want, pop, big band-? Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, just turn the damn thing on! Martin does. [SCENE_BREAK] [N.B. This scene would have taken place sometime after Niles and Daphne's marriage at the beginning of Season Ten, with [10.01], "The Ring Cycle." However, that would have been in 2002, so apparently they didn't take their honeymoon until much later.] Scene Three - Living Room It is evening. Frasier opens the door to Roz. SUPRA: "2002" [N.B. Roz's attire, a leather skirt and high boots, suggests her "post- Alice" phase, when her social life had slowed down considerably but she wasn't ready to acknowledge it.] Roz: Sorry I'm late. The Cinco de Mayo traffic was muy malo. Frasier: Oh yes, that's right, they closed some streets for the fireworks display. Well, happy birthday, Roz. Daphne and Martin are also there. Daphne: Yeah, happy birthday. Roz: Whatever. [sinks onto the couch] Used to be I'd go out and get a little wild on my birthday. Now I go out and get a little dinner. Frasier: There's nothing wrong with dinner. Roz: I know, but it used to come with s*x. Daphne comes over and pulls Roz to her feet. Daphne: Oh, come on, Roz, sounds like you need a drink. Roz: [wistful] Oh, that used to come with s*x, too. Daphne takes her to the kitchen. Martin: Sounds like we got another passenger on the S.S. Ain't Getting Any. The doorbell rings again, and Frasier opens it to Niles. Niles: Hello! Frasier: Niles. Niles: Wonderful day, marvelous day, you two look grand, where's Daphne? Martin: Who shoved a bluebird into you? Frasier: You know the S.S. Ain't Getting Any? Man overboard. Martin: [shocked] You and Daphne? Niles: Last night, Daphne and I engaged in sweet carnal delights. Martin: [uneasy] Did you say "carnal" or "caramel"? Niles looks embarrassed. Martin gets up. Martin: I'd better go wrap Roz's birthday gift. [exits] Niles: Oh! I forgot about Roz's birthday. You don't have anything I could give her, do you? Frasier stoops and rummages through his bookshelf. Frasier: Well, let's look, maybe one of these books... [straightens up] For God's sake, Niles! I mean, how could you forget her birthday? It's the whole reason we're having dinner. Niles: Well, forgive me, I've been a little distracted lately. Especially last night! And again this morning. [then] Oh, dear God, if Daphne knew I was speaking so indiscreetly, she'd be mortified. SMASH CUT TO: Kitchen Daphne is regaling a bewildered Roz with her own boudoir stories. Both women have wine. Daphne: ...and just when I thought I'd worn him out, he flips me over like a griddle cake, and off we go again! Roz: Niles? Daphne: I couldn't catch me breath, it was like a marathon! I tell you, he's spoilt me for any other man. Roz: Frasier's brother Niles? Daphne: And guess how he woke me up this morning? [giggles] Roz: Oh, shut up already! Reset to: Living Room The ladies come out of the kitchen as Martin enters with a gift box. Niles has something in a gift bag now. Frasier: Okay, birthday girl, come on over here and open some gifts. Niles and Daphne catch sight of each other. Niles: Hello. Daphne: Hello yourself. They grin. Frasier: All right, you two, let's pay attention. This is Roz's birthday. This gift is from Niles. Niles: Happy birthday, Roz. As Roz opens the bag and unwraps what's inside, Niles and Daphne keep grinning at each other. Roz reveals - the crock. Roz: It's a crock. With a chipped lid. [lifts the lid and looks inside] And a dead bee. Thank you, Niles. Niles: [his mind completely elsewhere] Glad you like it. Daphne: [her mind in the same place] Oh, you know, I-I think I left your present in my room. Niles, will you help me with it? Niles: Oh, of course. They almost run to the hallway. Niles: We'll be back very quickie. Daphne: Quickly! Niles: Quickly. They exit. Martin: You don't think they're gonna...? Frasier: Oh, I have no idea. Try not to think about it. They stand around uncomfortably. Then behind them, the skyline lights up as fireworks explode all over. Roz: Wow, he really is good. [N.B. 2002 means the second half of Season Nine and the first half of Season Ten - although the goofy smile that Niles wears for most of this scene is much like the one he wore after he and Daphne first slept together in [8.19], "Daphne Returns."] [N.B.B. This gag is also an obvious tribute to Hitchcock's "To Catch A Thief," in which the male and female leads fall onto a couch, kissing, and the camera shifts up to show fireworks going off.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Living Room It is mid-morning. Martin is watching a baseball game on TV. SUPRA: "1999" Frasier comes out dressed as Uncle Sam: bright red-white-and-blue pantaloons, jacket and top hat, and a silvery wig and goatee - even his eyebrows are silver and bushy. He picks up a pair of remote headphones off the credenza. Frasier: Dad, I bought you these headphones, so that I wouldn't be subjected to your sports drivel. Please put them on. Martin: All right, I will. But only if you say it. Frasier sighs and points his finger like the old World War II recruiting poster. Frasier: I WANT YOU - to wear those headphones! Martin laughs. Frasier goes into the kitchen. Martin: I don't know why you care, you're just going to be out riding on that stupid parade float. Frasier: [o.s., from the kitchen] The KACL Fourth of July float is not stupid! [comes out] Unless you think it is stupid to commemorate a hardy band of revolutionaries, their minds ablaze with... Martin: [puts on the headphones] Hey, you're right, this does cut out all the drivel! Daphne comes out, wearing a comically mismatched outfit: patchwork pants, a white striped shirt, and a powder-blue suit jacket. Frasier: Oh hey, Daph. My God, you look hideous. Daphne: Thank you. Now I wouldn't normally wear polyester on the hottest day of the year, but some English friends of mine are having an Ugly American party in honor of the Fourth. The doorbell rings. As Frasier goes to answer it, Daphne drops into the drag-queen American accent that she used in [4.19], "Three Dates and a Breakup[1]." Daphne: We're gonna toss back a couple a' cold brewskis, watch the ball game, and not use the metric system. Frasier: [laughing] That's very funny. He opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Oh hello, Niles. Niles: Hello, Uncle Sam. Didn't you just hand me a flyer for a mattress sale? Frasier: Uh, listen, Roz is running a little late, so we're just gonna meet her downstairs, all right? Dad! Martin doesn't hear, so Daphne taps him on the shoulder. Frasier: [waving goodbye] We're off! See you later! Martin: [takes off the headphones] Oh, okay, good luck! Boy, these are great. Now I can watch TV without bugging anybody. He rises and goes to the kitchen, putting the headphones back on. Martin: [suddenly singing, loudly] My bacon, is Farmer Frank's bacon! There's no mistakin', the quality... Frasier and Niles shrug, then Frasier's glance drifts to the red-white-and- blue drapes on his balcony. Frasier: Wait a minute. Is my bunting a-droop? It's supposed to drape evenly - oh, for God's sakes. Daphne: [groans] You're not going to send me back to the Space Needle with binoculars and a walkie-talkie again, are you? Frasier: No, there's no time for that. We can fix it on the fly. It'll just take a second. Reset to: Balcony He leads Niles and Daphne out to the balcony. Frasier: Here, Niles, grab that end. Daphne closes the door behind them - and the handle comes off in her hand. Daphne: Excuse me? This shouldn't come off like this, should it? Frasier: Oh, dear. Um... here. [tries the other door; it's also locked] Oh, lord. Reset to: Living Room Martin comes back into the living room with a bowl of chips. He doesn't hear or see Frasier, Niles, and Daphne waving frantically and yelling "Dad!" "Mr. Crane!" etc. He puts them down on the side table and goes back into the kitchen. Reset to: Balcony Niles: He can't hear us. We're stuck out here, what are we gonna do? Frasier: All right, let's not panic. You know what, maybe some of our neighbors are out on their balconies, we'll just call out to them. They start yelling to the balconies above and below them. Reset to: Living Room Roz comes in the front door wearing a red-and-white polka-dotted Betsy Ross costume. Roz: Hello? Hello? She looks out and sees the three of them on the balcony, waving and yelling excitedly. She also hears the roar of jet engines outside. Roz: The Blue Angels! Reset to: Balcony She runs out onto the balcony. The scream of a passing jet drowns out the sound of the door being opened, and fades just in time to let them hear it close again. Roz: Wow! As Roz looks eagerly skyward, the other three look at her, then at the door, then at her again. Roz: What? Niles: Locked-Out! Reset to: Living Room Martin comes back in with the crock, which he sets next to the chips. Now all four of them are yelling and waving, with Roz adding "Martin!" to "Dad!" and "Mr. Crane!" Again, he doesn't notice and sits in his chair to watch the game. Frasier: Roz, how long does a baseball match last? Roz: Well, usually three hours, but... Frasier: Oh, dear. Niles groans and sits in one of the deck chairs as the other three stand in front of him at the balcony. Roz: This sucks, I don't even have my cell phone. Don't you have your cell phone, Frasier? Frasier: Roz, I'm Uncle Sam, I don't have a cell phone. I shouldn't even have this zipper. Daphne: It's going to be a hundred degrees out here, I'm roasting in these things! Niles, who has been searching his pockets, finds his cell phone. He excitedly steps forward, holding it up- Daphne: That's it, these clothes are coming off. -and quickly buries it in his jacket as Daphne sheds her jacket, drops her belt, and starts to unbutton her shirt. [N.B. 1999 means the second half of Season Six, and the first half of Season Seven. Daphne's pageboy haircut indicates that this is Season Six - although it should be noted that when they are yelling at Frasier's neighbors, she yells "Mr. Winston, are you home?" Cam Winston was not referred to until Season Seven, but might well have moved into Frasier's building long before.] END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Living Room Evening. Frasier and Niles are on the couch, and Frasier pours Niles a glass of wine. Niles is very depressed, and more than a little drunk. SUPRA: "1998" The phone rings, and Niles starts to get up. Frasier: That's all right, Niles, allow me. [calls] Daphne! Daphne comes out of the kitchen. Daphne: Coming! [answers the phone] Hello, Crane residence. Oh hello, Mum, Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's the holiday where everyone eats turkey. No, we're having goose. Frasier: Daphne, when you're finished with that, could you please bring us some snacks to soak up this wine? Niles: Yes, and a little more wine. Who knew my sorrows would be such strong swimmers? Daphne carries the phone to the kitchen. Daphne: I can't talk right now, Mum. Dr. Crane has guests. Yeah, he's still out of work. Reset to: Kitchen Daphne comes in and lays out some snacks and another bottle of wine. The crock is sitting on the snack tray. Daphne: Of course I'm worried he might let me go. I worry about it every day. But I'm coping. She drains her own glass of wine. Reset to: Living Room Roz comes out with a baby bag. Roz: Alice is so cute. She fell asleep hugging her bottle. Niles is slumped against the couch arm, cradling the wine bottle. Niles: I'm right behind her. Frasier: Niles, will you please stop being so morose? It is Thanksgiving. Niles: Oh, you're right! I should count my blessings: I'm in the midst of a bitter divorce; Maris is freezing my assets, forcing me to live in the Shangri-La, which is the devil's own apartment complex - where last night they turned off my heat, re-freezing my assets! He claps his hands sarcastically. Frasier: We're all going through a bit of a rough patch. Look at Roz and me, we're out of a job. Roz: Oh, not me. I just took a phone temp job in customer service. I can work from wherever I am, they just patch the calls through. Frasier: Well, now you see? There's a positive attitude! Daphne comes out of the kitchen in time to hear: Frasier: Some people see losing a job as an opportunity! [Daphne brings the snacks] Oh, thank you. Daphne retreats into the kitchen, looking worried. Roz's cell phone rings. Roz: Hello? [sexy voice] Oh, hello. Yes, this is Monique. Frasier and Niles are shocked. Roz: I'm just lying in the tub, soaping myself all over... Frasier: Good heavens, Roz! Is that the sort of customer you're servicing?! Hang that up! Roz: Call me later, Tiger, okay? [hangs up; normal voice] What? It pays the bills, and I'm not tied to a desk. Frasier: Not unless they ask you to be! Niles' spirits lift enough for him to snigger. Martin comes out. Martin: Well, good news, the Cowboys just scored. Bad news is, I kinda screamed and woke somebody's baby up. Roz gasps and runs to the hallway. Daphne comes out again. Frasier: Oh Daphne, my bath salts man has just delivered a new shipment of my proprietary blend - could you please run me a tub tonight? Daphne: [sweetly] Oh, of course I will, Dr. Crane. [comes and refills their wine glasses] What would you do without me? [to Niles] A little more? She notices his sad face. Daphne: I know things have been tough lately, but they'll turn around for you. [caresses his cheek] Just watch. She goes to the kitchen again. Niles, dumbstruck, feels his cheek as if blessed. Niles: She's an angel. You're right, Frasier. I'm being too morose. I'm not taking action. [gets up] I'm telling Daphne I love her, tonight! Frasier: [grabs him] Niles, let's not be rash. Come on, come on, let's get you some fresh air. Niles: I don't want air, I want Daphne! Frasier pulls him out to the balcony. Roz's cell phone rings. Martin looks around, sees he is alone, and gets up to answer it. Martin: Hello? Long pause, while Martin gets a confused look. Martin: Well, thank you, you've got a nice, deep voice too. [looks more confused] Uh - oh, I don't know. [looks down] Uh, brown pants and a plaid shirt - Hello? Hello? He shrugs and hangs up. Roz comes out and sees Niles yelling and gesturing wildly at Frasier. Roz: Is everything all right? What's wrong with Niles? Daphne sticks her head out and hears: Martin: He decided that today's the day he's going to tell Daphne. Roz: He's gonna tell Daphne with all of us here? That's gonna be uncomfortable. Martin: I know, but I guess he figures he just can't afford to wait any longer. Daphne retreats again. Frasier pulls Niles back in. Frasier: All right, Niles - [Niles breaks away] Niles, Niles, please! Daphne runs out. Niles: [passionately] Daphne...! Daphne: Dr. Crane, I know what you're going to do! Niles: You do?! Daphne: Not you, Dr. Crane - Dr. Crane! And you can't fire me, because I quit! Frasier: What? Daphne: After all I've done to save you money! I'm washing my face with dish soap while you're out buying imported bath salts like a big rich girl! I hope you rot in debtors' prison! She storms to her room. [N.B. GREAT delivery by Jane Leeves on that last line.] Niles: She's an angel! [N.B. The year 1998, and the specific circumstances referred to fix this Niles was at a low point. Also, a slight discontinuity here - Roz was not aware of Niles' feelings for Daphne until [6.16] "Decoys," much later in Season Six, after she and Frasier had gotten their jobs back.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Six - Living Room Morning. Frasier sees a woman to the elevator. SUPRA: "1996" Frasier: I'll pick you up at seven, my angel. He turns around with a moonstruck smile. Daphne and Martin are seated at the dining table. Frasier: You'd better get used to the name "Evelyn Griebel," because you're going to be hearing an awful lot of it around here. Evelyn Griebel - sounds like music, doesn't it? Daphne: Haven't you only been dating her a week? Frasier: Well yes, and you know how loath I am to use the expression "she may be the one," but I think in this case it's appropriate. Both Daphne and Martin have a weary look on their faces - they know he's setting himself up for a fall, and know how useless it is to try and tell him. Niles comes out of the hallway in a huff. Niles: I finally got Maris calmed down. I hope you're happy. Frasier: All I said was, "Maris, why the long face?" Niles: Yes, and now she's on the phone to her chin-grinder in Zurich. The doorbell rings. Frasier: Yeah, I'll get that. It's probably Roz. He opens the door to her. Frasier: Well? Roz: Sorry I'm late, but I had a date. Frasier: Yes, I thought that was last night. Roz: It was a good date. How's your new girlfriend? Frasier: I allowed her to climb to the first base camp on Mount Crane and I believe she's feeling the effects of the altitude. [laughs] Roz: Is one of them nausea? Cause I'm getting that right now. Frasier: Oh, shut up! At the table, Martin holds up the crock, which now has labels on it. Martin: Hey, you hungry, Roz? There's cheese here. Oh, nobody opened it. Frasier: Dear God, Dad, that's three years old! Throw it out! Martin: No, it'll be fine. Sure you don't want any? The label says it's "famously spreadable." Niles: Funny, Roz, doesn't your label say the same thing? Roz: What does yours say, Niles - "may cause drowsiness"? I'm just having some fun, 'cause I know I'll be settling down someday. Frasier: Yes well, thank God my dating days are over! Three years on the Seattle singles scene is quite enough, thank you. The phone rings, Frasier answers. Frasier: Hello? Oh hi, Evelyn. [puts the phone to his shoulder] She can't go five minutes without talking to me. [into phone] Listen, I'm really looking forward to dinner tomorrow... I see. Well, if tomorrow's no good... I see. Roz, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are all trading looks, daring each other to act surprised. Frasier: But you said you were having such a lovely time... I see. Perhaps I'd better take this in my room. He goes to his room, passing Eddie sitting in his chair. Frasier: Oh, what are you smirking at?! [N.B. The year 1996, and the fact that Niles is still with Maris, "The Last Time I Saw Maris," when Niles and Maris separated.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Seven - Living Room Evening. Frasier is reading a book on the couch. Eddie is sitting up next to him, staring at him. SUPRA: "1993" Frasier: What are you staring at? Martin comes out, wearing the same sweater-vest he wore in [1.01], "The Good Son." Martin: It's fourteen. Frasier: What? Martin: You're reading about Jack Russell terriers, right? That's how many years they live - fourteen. Frasier sheepishly closes the book. The doorbell rings. Frasier gets up and answers it to Niles, with a shopping bag. Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. Niles: Ah, there are the merry bachelors in their swinging new pad! Martin just looks grumpily at him. Frasier: Where's Maris? Niles: Uh, she's taken to her bed. This large-earring fad has compressed her spine. Where is your, uh, enchanting new home healthcare worker? Daphne comes out, wearing the short sundress-and-stockings ensemble and piled-up hairstyle she made famous in the first season. Daphne: I just found out what that second toilet in me loo is for! [laughs] Talk about a shock! Niles: Hello there. Daphne: Hello. You're, uh... oh, don't tell me, I'm good with names. Uh... Miles Crane! Niles: ...Yes, I am! And-and you're Daphne Moon, from Manchester, where you developed a liking for Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits. He takes a box out of the bag. Daphne: What a kind man you are, Miles Crane. She takes the biscuits and turns away. Niles grimaces in disappointment. Frasier: Oh by the way, I've invited Roz Doyle to join us - she's my producer over at the radio station. She had no plans this evening - you know, I think the poor thing has a hard time meeting men. Niles: Hm. Frasier: [heads to the bar] Anyway, would you care for a scotch, Niles? Niles: Uh yes - actually, I'm in a sherry mood tonight. Frasier: Sherry? What an intriguing idea. Think I could scare up a bottle of sherry. He goes into the kitchen. The doorbell rings again. Daphne: Oh, I'll get it. She answers it to Roz. Frasier comes out of the kitchen removing the cork from a bottle of sherry. Frasier: Oh hi, Roz, come on in. Uh, I'd like you to meet my dad. This is Martin Crane, and his home healthcare worker, Daphne Moon, and of course this is my brother, Niles Crane. [N.B. Another slight discontinuity - this is Season One, but Roz and Martin actually first met in [1.06], "The Crucible" - which was also the first time she saw Frasier's apartment.] Daphne: Oh my God, is it Niles? Oh, I feel so embarrassed. Niles: Oh no, please, don't be. Actually, I prefer Miles. As he says this, he casually leans back against the cabinet - knocking over the books on top and nearly falling after them himself. Daphne bends over to pick them up, and her bum stretches against her dress, mesmerizing Niles. When she straightens up, he fixes his gaze on the ceiling. The doorbell rings again. Martin: Oh, that'll be my pizza. Could you get it? Frasier: What? You are not having pizza. I made a duck. Martin: What, you're gonna tell me what I can eat now? Frasier: No, I'm just saying that it's rude to bring your own food to a dinner party. Martin goes to the kitchen as Frasier opens the door to the pizza delivery boy - Kenny, wearing a denim jacket and with long, shaggy black hair. Kenny: Hi. Frasier: Oh, hello. Kenny: Twelve bucks. Frasier: Right. Kenny: Hey, aren't you that new radio shrink at KACL - Dr. Frasier Crane, right? Frasier: Yes, yes I am. It's always nice to meet a fan. Kenny: Well actually, I'm in the radio game myself. This pizza thing is just paying the bills until a job opens up. Maybe you could put a good word in for me down at the- Frasier mumbles "thank you" and shuts the door in Kenny's face. He carries the pizza to the dining table as Martin comes out with the crock. Roz: Pizza smells good. Martin: Well, have some. It's called a Dirty Dozen. Twelve delicious toppings, and not one of them duck. Frasier: This from the gourmet who dumped my Cornish Yarg cheese down the disposal. Martin: It was covered with mold! Frasier: It was supposed to be! Martin: Well, I said I'd replace it, didn't I? And here it is, I hope you're happy. He places the crock on the table. Frasier picks it up and reads the label. Frasier: "With pasteurized, processed, cheese-flavored snack food." [looks inside] Dear God, it looks like someone melted down a highway cone. Martin: Just trying to be nice, you don't need to be a jerk about it. Frasier: You're right, Dad, I'm sorry, thank you. [to Niles] Would you please join me in the kitchen...? Niles is standing at Daphne's side, smelling her hair. Frasier: Miles! Reset to: Kitchen Niles follows Frasier in. Frasier is carrying the crock. Frasier: He is driving me batty! All right, we are making a deal. He spends six months here, and then he's moving into your house. Niles: Absolutely, we'll switch off. They shake hands on it. Martin: [o.s.] Someone bring me a beer? Roz: [o.s.] Yeah, beer sounds good. Frasier: I should have just gotten a keg. I tell you something, this is the last time I try to make a nice dinner for these people! He picks up the crock and reads the label again. The camera zooms in on it... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Eight - Present Day Back to where we left off. Frasier smiles, closes the garbage, then fits the broken piece back onto the crock, goes out and places it in the center of the table. [N.B. "Of course I'm respectable, I'm old. Whores, ugly buildings and politicians all become respectable if they last long enough." - John Huston in "Chinatown."] The doorbell rings. Frasier walks to the door, passing Martin coming from the hallway. Frasier: Oh, hey Dad. Martin: Hey, Fras. Frasier: Dinner's ready. Martin: All right. Frasier opens the door to Daphne, Niles, and Roz. Frasier: Hello, you guys, come on in. He hugs and kisses his family and friends, as they all ad-lib greetings. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] The table is set, and the Crane family are sitting down to dinner. To complete the place setting, Roz comes in from the kitchen with some flowers in a small glass jar. She begins to set it down in the center, but Frasier takes it from her, and sentimentally decides to put the crock in the place of honor. Martin is touched, and says so; Roz makes a wry remark, remembering her bogus birthday gift. Frasier moves the flowers from the jar to the crock, then pours the water into it. It springs out of a dozen cracks in the sides, then pours out of a hole in the bottom. Everyone leaps away from the table, then scrambles to mop up the water.

Frasier chips an old earthenware crock pot while preparing dinner, and is about to throw it away, when he pauses, and remembers the dinners associated with the item, going back in time until finally remembering the first dinner he had made for his father, Niles, Daphne and Roz. The show invented new scenes from previous seasons, with the cast wearing the hairstyles, clothes, and vocal and semiotic mannerisms from those previous seasons, in some cases wearing wigs. 2003: Niles and Daphne are still newlyweds, just back from their honeymoon in Tahiti. Roz tries to set up Frasier with her friend Lizbeth. 2002: It's Roz's birthday, and Cinco de Mayo celebrations are being held in Seattle. Niles and Daphne are enjoying their active sex life. 1999: The Crane family are celebrating Independence Day. 1998: The Crane family are celebrating Thanksgiving Day. Frasier is still unemployed after KACL had changed formats, but Daphne is concerned that Frasier might fire her due to a lack of funds. Niles is separated from Maris, and unhappy with his new residence at the Shangri-La. He is pining for Daphne. Following the changed KACL format, Roz has a temp job. 1996: Niles is still married to Maris. Frasier is having his disastrous dating woes. Roz is enjoying the single life. 1993: Frasier's hair is longer and Daphne's hair is a bouffant. Frasier and Martin are still sniping at each other, Niles is "happily" married to Maris but bringing Daphne gifts, Frasier and Niles begin their love of sherry, Kenny Daly appears as a pizza delivery boy hoping to break into Seattle radio. After the flashbacks, Frasier repairs the crock pot, warmly places flowers in it, and gives it an honored place on the dinner table, as the gang arrives. When he fills it with water, the pot immediately begins to leak from all the cracks.

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Teleplay by: Greg Malins Story by: Scott Silveri [Scene: Central Perk, Gary, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there.] Gary: (To Phoebe) Would you like some more coffee, baby-doll? Phoebe: I'm fine, thanks. Chandler: (To Monica) Yeah, see, I can't pull of baby-doll can I? Monica: No. I think we learned that from the sugarlips incident. I'm gonna get some tea. Chandler: Okay. (Monica leaves and Chandler moves to talk to Phoebe.) Chandler: Hiya doin' pumpkin? Phoebe: Nope. (Chandler nods in agreement.) [Cut to Gary and Monica at the counter.] Monica: So it looks like it's going really well for you two, huh? Gary: I know, really well. In fact, I'm gonna ask Phoebe to move in with me. Monica: (shocked) Oh my God! Gary: What do you, what do you think? Monica: I think that is so great! When are you gonna ask her? Gary: Tonight, but don't say anything. Okay? Monica: I swear, I promise. I promise. Oh my God, I'm so excited! {And I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! Sorry, just couldn't resist it.} All right, listen let me tell you, do not get her flowers. Okay? Because y'know, she cries when they die, and there's the whole funeral... Gary: (To Phoebe) I'll see you after work sweetie. (Kisses her.) Phoebe: Okay. Bye! (Gary exits and Monica rejoins them.) Phoebe: So, what movie should we see? Monica: (sitting down) Gary's gonna ask you to move in with him!! Phoebe: What?! Really?! Monica: He just told me at the counter. He made me promise not to tell, but I couldn't hold it in any longer! Phoebe: I can't believe this! Chandler: (terrified) Right, because it's fast. Because, it's so fast. It's fast! Monica: Relax! It's Phoebe! Not you! Chandler: Oh! Good for you Pheebs, way to go! (Breathes a sigh of relief) Phoebe: No, but it is fast. Isn't it? Monica: Ohhhh! Phoebe: No, I like him a lot but I don't think I'm ready for this! Chandler: So, what are you gonna do? Phoebe: I don't know. I'll just handle it-I'll ask you to talk to him! Chandler: Me?! Why me? Phoebe: Because you are so afraid of commitment! You talk to him, make him scared like you! Make him a...man! Chandler: I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do, y'know? Because I'm a lot less afraid of commitment than I used to be. Monica: That is so sweet! (She kisses him and turns to add some sugar to her tea.) Chandler: (To Phoebe, behind Monica's back) Still terrified, I'll take care of it. No problem. (When Monica turns back he smiles and kisses her, when she turns away he nods that he'll do it to Phoebe.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are playing catch with a little foam globe.] Joey: Hey Ross, is uh, is Staten Island really an island? Ross: Uh-huh, that's why they call it Staten Island. Joey: Ohhh. I thought it was like Long Island. Ross: (he catches the ball and pauses, staring at Joey in disbelief) Also an island. (The game resumes.) Joey: Hey, what time is it? Ross: (looks at his watch) 2:17. Joey: Wow! You realize that we've been throwing this ball, without dropping it, for like an hour? Ross: Are you serious?! Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it. Ross: Wow! We are pretty good at this! Hey! We totally forgot about lunch! Joey: Oh, I-I, I think that's the first time I ever missed a meal! (Checks his pants.) Yeah, my pants are a little loose! Rachel: (entering) Hey, you guys... Joey: Hey! Rachel: Is Monica here? Joey and Ross: No. Rachel: All right listen umm, I just bought something I'm not sure she's gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something that I wanted since I was a little girl. Ross: You bought Shawn Cassidy! Rachel: Noo! I wish! Okay, you ready? Joey and Ross: Yeah! Rachel: Okay! (She goes and gets her surprise and when she returns with it, Ross stares in shock.) Check it out! (Joey turns and looks at quite possibly one of the ugliest pets that you can possibly buy on the planet. Rachel has bought herself a hairless cat. Yep, a hairless cat! Joey and Ross start to get sick.) Ross: What-what is it?! Joey: What the hell is that?!! Rachel: It's a, it's a cat! Joey: That, is not a cat! {I have to agree with Joey on this one.} Rachel: Yes it is! Ross: Why is it inside out?! Rachel: Excuse me! But this is a purebred, show-quality Sphinx cat! Ross: How much did you pay for that? Rachel: Well, it was a little extravagant, but I a pretty good deal. Ross: Yeah? How much? Rachel: A thousand bucks. Ross: ON A CAT??!!!! Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: All right listen ball boys! My grandmother had one of these when I was a little girl and it was the sweetest thing! I mean it was so cute, it would sit in my lap and purr all day long, and I would drag a shoestring on the ground and he would chase it! Ross: Free cats do that too, y'know. {Which reminds me, if I might get a little political here, support your local animal shelter. Pet shops are not the place to buy dogs and cats from, you get a much better deal from the shelter, plus they probably won't die on you in a week and a half. If you want a leash, go to the pet shop. If you want the dog for that leash, go to the shelter and save it's life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.} Joey: It's not a cat! Rachel: Ugh! Look you guys, I'm really excited about this! Okay? I don't care what you think! I'm gonna go set up a little litter box for Mrs. Whiskerson. (They both glare at her.) Well, what am I gonna call her? Fluffy?! (Rachel goes into the bathroom as the guys continue throwing the ball.) Ross: (To Joey) Hey, you wanna get something to eat or uh, do you wanna see how long we can throw this ball back and forth? Huh? Joey: Uhh, the ball thing. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?! Ross: Uhh, yeah it would! Let's do it! Joey: Okay! (They throw the ball back and forth once.) Joey: (catches the ball) Uh-oh. Ross: What? Joey: I have to pee. And Rachel's in the bathroom! [Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.] Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it! Ross: I know! (Looks at the ball in his hands.) Don't switch hands, okay? [Scene: the 5th Precinct, Gary's precinct, Chandler has come to talk to him about commitment. And as he's walking through the door he notices a couple of "Ladies of the night" sitting there. (If you know what I mean.)] Chandler: Hey ladies! What are you in here for? (Laughs at his joke.) Gary: Hey Chandler, what are you doing here? Chandler: Gary, I'm here to report a crime. Gary: Yeah? Chandler: It is a crime that you and I don't spend more time together. Gary: (laughs, then suddenly serious) What's up? Chandler: Well, I heard that you thinking about asking Phoebe to move in with you and I thought maybe, we should have a talk. Man to uh, me. Gary: Sure. Okay. Chandler: Uh, are you crazy? Are you insane? If you live with Phoebe, you two are gonna be y'know, live-living together! Gary: Yeah, I-I considered that. I just know it would make me happy. Chandler: You mean scared. Gary: No, I mean happy. Chandler: Scared? Happy? Gary: Chandler, what-what are you doing? Chandler: I am trying to open your eyes, my man! Don't you see, if you lived with Phoebe she's always gonna be there. You're gonna get home, she's there. You go to bed, she's there. You wake up and oh yes, she's there! Gary: I know! I can't wait! Chandler: Were you're parents happy, or something? Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I just-I wanna be around her as much as I can. Chandler: Wow, y'know when you say it, it doesn't sound so scary. Gary: So you know what I'm talking about, right? Chandler: Yeah, I think I do! Y'know what? You move in with her! You move in with her right now! Maybe I should in with Monica! Gary: No, it's too soon for you guys. Chandler: (pause) Yeah, you're right about that. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Joey are still playing catch.] Ross: ...now when they found the remains of the Mesozoic Mastodon they discovered what appeared to be the remains of a Paleozoic Amphibian in its jaws! How did it get there?! {Y'know, sometimes I think the script writers through in a line like that to try to trip me up. But it won't work. I'll always have the last laugh! <manical_laugh.wav> Okay, so maybe I'm a little deluded, it's probably just my spellchecker. But, I must admit I did get Mesozoic and Paleozoic on the first attempt. Yay me! Anyhoo...} Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game. {Oh, all right! Geez, I can't have any fun!} Monica: (entering) Hey guys! Joey: Hi! Monica: Joey, I left my watch on the counter last night. (Goes to the counter) It was right here, where is it? Joey: I don't know. Monica: All right, come on, I'm-I'm late for work! Ross: How do you know? You don't have a watch. Monica: Guys, could you please just stop throwing the ball for one minute and just help me find it! Joey: Oh, I don't know.... Yeah, can't do it. (He throws it back to Ross, but it's intercepted by Monica and the guys both scream in horror.) Monica: What?! Ross: Monica, whatever you do, do not drop that ball! Joey: Yeah, we haven't dropped it in... (Looks to Ross.) Ross: 2 hours, 27 minutes. Monica: Really?! [Time lapse, Monica has joined in and is calling to get out of work.] Monica: (on phone, faking she's sick) I-I'm not gonna be able to make it into work today, I don't feel very good. (Joey makes a high throw and Monica has to catch it way over her head.) (Not sounding sick) Yes!! (Realizes what she just did.) (Sounding sick again) Wow! Uh, for a second there I thought I was really better, but I'm not. (Hangs up and keeps throwing the ball.) (Rachel enters.) Ross: Hey Rach! Rachel: Hey. Ross: Check it out! Almost 3 hours without droppin' it! Rachel: Oh, wow! Congratulations, that's quite a waste of time. Monica: Rach? Rachel: Yeah? Monica: You have scratches all over you, what happened? (Rachel's arms are covered with scratches.) Rachel: Well, it's my cat. Monica: (shocked) What?! Rachel: Oh yeah, I got a cat. Monica: I don't want a cat! Joey: Oh, don't worry, it's not a cat. Ross: Yeah. Rachel: You guys this cat is nothing like my grandmother's cat. I mean, it's not sweet, it's not cute, I even dragged that little string on the ground, and it just flipped out and scratched the hell out of me. And I swear, I know this sounds crazy, but every time this cat hisses at me I know it's saying, "Rachel!" Ross: Doesn't sound as crazy as paying a thousand dollars for a cat. Monica: (To Rachel) What?! You paid a thousand dollars for a cat when you owe me 300!! Rachel: Well, I was gonna let you play with it. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.] Chandler: Hi! Phoebe: Hmm, did you talk to Gary about the moving in thing? Chandler: Yes I did, and I think you should do it. Phoebe: What?! Chandler: He's a great guy, y'know? And he loves you a lot, you are a very lucky lady. Phoebe: You are useless! Freaking out about commitment is the one thing you can do! The one thing! And you can't even do that right! God! Chandler: I'm sorry. (Pause) If you ask me, I'd move in with him. Phoebe: Ohh!! God! (Gary enters and she sees him) Ooh! (To Chandler) Get out of here, good for nothing. Gary: Hey Chandler. Chandler: Hey Gar! Gary: (To Phoebe) Hi sweetie. (Kisses her.) Hi, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.) Gary: You look very pretty today. Phoebe: Thanks! Okay. (They sit down.) Gary: Here's the thing. Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Y'know I really want to move this relationship forward. Phoebe: Uh-hmm. Gary: Because if you're not moving forward, y'know you're just moving backwards. Phoebe: No that's not true. If you're not moving forward, you're just staying still. And staying still is good. Watch this. (She stays still for a brief second.) Gary: Phoebe? Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: I want you to move in with me. Phoebe: That is so sweet. But don't you think it's a little too soon? I mean there's so much we don't know about each other. Gary: (disappointed) Oh. Oh-oh-okay, I get it. Phoebe: I just-I don't want us to jump into something we're not ready for. Gary: (disappointed more) Uh-huh. Phoebe: I really don't want to mess up what we have. I'm just-I'm worried it's gonna be a big mistake. Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah. Phoebe: Which is why my answer is yes! Gary: (suddenly happy) Really?! Phoebe: Uh-huh! (They hug.) I'm so...happy. (She's not happy.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, and Monica are still playing catch, with Chandler looking on. Joey throws the ball to Monica who catches it and whips it at Ross.] Ross: (catching the ball) Monica! Stop throwing it so hard! We're on the same team! Chandler: Four hours? You guys have been doing this for four hours? Joey: That's right baby. Chandler: All right, let me in. (He jumps off of the counter to join in the game.) Monica: (jumping in front of him) No-no! Don't do it! Don't! Chandler: What? Monica: He's a dropper! Joey: Oh yeah, that's right! Chandler: I'm not a dropper! Ross: It's really a uh-uh three person game, y'know? Chandler: It's throwing and catching! Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.) Chandler: Oh! Oh! That's so hard. (Starts to juggle the ball, but loses control and almost drops it and hands it to Monica.) (Rachel enters with the "cat" and the chick and the duck start to get riled up.) Joey: Whoa-whoa you guys, it's not a cat! Monica: Oh my-Oh good God! Rachel: (she's wearing an oven mitt to protect her hand) I give up you guys, I don't know what I'm going to do with this thing! Ross: Baking it didn't help, huh? Monica: So, why don't you just take it back to where you got it? Rachel: I tried! They won't take her back. Chandler: Maybe that's because she's a minion of the anti-Christ. Monica: Rach, why won't they take it back? Rachel: Well, they said would but they would only give me store credit. I mean, what am I going to do, get a thousand regular cats? Monica: Look, if you want you can keep it at our place until you find out what to do with it. Rachel: No Mon that's not the point. I'm out a thousand dollars, I'm all scratched up, and I'm stuck with this stupid cat that looks like a hand! (Storms out.) (Monica sneezes.) Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close. Chandler: Yeah, you almost overreacted to something. Phoebe and Gary: (entering) Hey! All: Hey! Gary: We have great news! Phoebe: We're moving in together! Isn't it great! Yay! All: Congratulations! Congrats! Phoebe: I know, I'm so excited! Gary: So am I! Phoebe: Well, you're not more excited than I am! No way! I'm the most excited! Gary: Okay, I'll see you at the station later. Phoebe: Okay, yeah, I'll see you later! Don't forget about the moving in! Gary: All right. (Phoebe closes the door behind him.) Monica: So you're moving in with him. What happened? Phoebe: I couldn't tell him no. He got so sad. Maybe it'll be all right. I do really like him a lot and probably do it eventually anyway and plus, think of all the money I'll save on stamps. Monica: Why, do you write him a lot? Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they? All: Yeah! That's right. Yeah-yeah! Yeah! (Rachel enters with the cat, wearing the oven mitt, and startles Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, the oven mitts really freaked me out. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Gary's precinct, Phoebe is entering.] Gary: Hey, honey! Okay, so did you find any apartments? Anything in Brooklyn Heights? Phoebe: No, nothing. Gary: Oh really? Phoebe: Yeah. Gary: Nothing at all? Phoebe: No, as soon as something opens up we'll move right in. Unless it doesn't have a pool, I need a pool. (Turns away from him.) Gary: Phoebe, can I talk to you for a second? Phoebe: Uh-huh! (He takes her into one of those typical interrogation rooms you see on TV and in the movies. Which is really appropriate here, since this is a TV show. What are the odds of that?) Gary: Take a seat. You okay? You feeling all right? (Closes the door and takes off his coat.) Phoebe: (sits down) Yeah, I feel great. 'Cause we're moving in together. Gary: So you uh, you checked the paper for listings in Brooklyn Heights, right? You-you checked the Post? Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, there was nothing. (Pause) Can I get some water? Gary: In a minute. You-you checked today's Post? Phoebe: Umm, yeah! Today's. Gary: 'Cause uh, this is today's Post (produces one from the other chair) and uh, these are the listings I found. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, two bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, one bedroom. (Points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights, (points) Brooklyn Heights! Phoebe: (looks at the paper) Are these for rent! I thought people were just bragging! Gary: Let me tell you what I think might be going on. (Phoebe looks down in shame.) No-no-no, don't look at the table. Look at me. (Points to his eyes and she does so) Okay, I think somebody asked someone to move in with them. And I think someone said, "Yes" but now she's having doubts because things are moving to fast for someone. Does that sound at all possible to you? Phoebe: Yes. Yes! Fine! I am someone! You want me to say it? I have doubts! (Pause) I'm sorry! (Puts her head down.) Gary: Phoebe... Phoebe: Yeah? Gary: Phoebe, it's okay that you feel this way. I mean it is soon. And there's a lot of things we don't know about each other, and I just figure that everything I really like. And the things I don't know, I get to learn about at someplace with both our names on the mailbox. Phoebe: That's so sweet. Gary: Sweethart, but none of that matters if it's too soon for you. It's fine! We don't have to move in together. I just-I want you to be happy Phoebe: Living with you would make me happy. Gary: Phoebe, you don't have to say that. Phoebe: No, I really wanna live with you! I wanna move in with you! Gary: Are you sure? Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.) Gary: Oh that's great! Phoebe: Oh wait, one sec. One sec. (Goes to the mirror) Hey you! Behind the glass! Who are you looking at! I've always wanted to say that when I was in one of these rooms, (sees the look on his face) which was never! [Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.] Rachel: Show cat! Quality show cat! Show cat! (A woman approaches.) Woman No. 1: (looks into the box) Oh my God! What's wrong with your baby?! Rachel: It's not a baby! It's a cat! Woman No. 1: Eew! It's creepy looking! Rachel: Oh no! No! It's actually-it's very sweet. It's very sweet. Look! (Goes to pet it and it hisses at her.) Yeah, do you want it? Woman No. 1: (laughs) No, I hate cats. Rachel: Well, so then what are you doing to me? Okay? Just get out of here! All right? Move on! (Another woman approaches.) Woman No. 2: Wow! What an unusual cat! Rachel: Yes! Thank you! Exactly! You want it? Woman No. 2: Maybe. I was thinking about getting a cat, I was just going to go to the shelter (Good for her) but... Okay, why not? Rachel: Oh, terrific! That'll be $2,000. Woman No. 2: What?! Rachel: Okay, a thousand. Woman No. 2: I thought you wanted to adopt your cat. Rachel: Well, I do, but you're just gonna have to actually look at this as more of an investment than a cat. Woman No. 2: Okay, yeah, I just wanted a cat. (Starts to leave.) Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Ross, Monica, and now Chandler are still playing catch. The guys are exhausted and sitting around the room. Monica is still standing all pumped up and being hyper-competitive yet again. {Okay! We get it! She's competitive!! Must we see all the time?!}] Ross: I'm starving! Monica: Come on guys! Suck it up! We're closing in on ten hours! It's gut-check time! Joey: I don't know who made you the boss? All right? We (Ross and him) invented this game! Monica: Please! I made this game what it is. Chandler: Not fun anymore? Ross: I'm still hungry! Monica: All right, there's some pizza at my place, we can all eat with one hand right? Are you with me? Ross: I am! Monica: All right! Let's go! (Runs to the door.) Let's go Team Monica! (The guys all stop and stare at her) All right, we can work out the name later. [Cut to her apartment where Rachel is sitting at the table.] Monica: Rachel! What is your cat doing in one of my bowls! Rachel: It's not! I'm defrosting a chicken. (Pause) Oh, I uh sold Mrs. Whiskerson. Ross: Oh, thank God! Joey: Did you get your money back? Rachel: Yeah, 15 hundred dollars. Monica: Wow! You made a profit! Gunther: (entering with the cat) I just came for the red-velvet pillow. Rachel: Oh yeah, there you go. (Hands over the pillow.) Gunther: Thanks Rachel. And-and don't forget you-you can come visit her anytime you want. Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.) Gunther: (To Ross) Hey! So what is this? Some kind of snake or something? [Scene: Gary and Phoebe's apartment, it's morning and they're both waking up in bed.] Gary: I really like waking up with you. Phoebe: I like waking up with you too. (Looks out the window) Oh! It's such a beautiful morning. (Some birds are singing outside the window) Oh, I can stay here all day. Gary: That would be great! Phoebe: We could have breakfast in bed... Gary: Wait, just a second. Phoebe: Okay. (He grabs his gun and shoots the bird.) Oh! Oh no. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Hyper-competitive Monica, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Ross are still playing catch. Monica is finally tiring while the rest of them are totally exhausted and virtually asleep.] Monica: All right! Come on Monica! Look alive! Come on, look alive! Phoebe: (entering) Oh good, you're all up. Rachel: Phoebe! It's 6 o'clock in the morning! Why aren't you at Gary's? Phoebe: Oh yeah, that's over. All: What?! Chandler: Come on! Gary's such a great guy! Whatever the problem is, you can work it out! Phoebe: He shot a bird! Chandler: Oh that is over! All: That's terrible! I'm sorry! Rachel: Phoebe, are you okay? Phoebe: Yeah. Yeah, I'll be alright. Joey: Oh hey, here Pheebs. (He throws her the ball.) Phoebe: (catches it) Nah, I don't feel like playing. (She sets the ball down on the table and everyone gasps.) Monica: It's okay. It's okay. Just pretend that it didn't happen! Okay? No one needs to know! I mean, Phoebe's not an official ballplayer! I mean, only official ballplayers can drop the ball! All: All right. Okay. I'm starving! (They all get up, thus officially ending the game.) Rachel: Phoebe, honey, wanna get some breakfast? Phoebe: Yeah! Monica: Okay! Okay, let's race! First one there wins! Ha-ha! (Runs out the door and everyone watches her leave.) (Pause) Chandler: You guys wanna eat here? All: Yeah! As long as we're here! Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Joey: Man that was great! Huh? Can you believe how long we threw that ball around? Rachel: Yeah, it is amazing it lasted that long. Ross: I know. My arm is killing me. Rachel: No, I meant with the dropper over here. (Points at Chandler.) Chandler: Y'know, how did I get this reputation as a dropper? Okay? I'm anything but a dropper. (We see various scenes of him dropping a football, a mug of coffee, the phone, an apple, a Frisbee, a record, and the final scene has a ball bouncing off of his chest. I'm not going to describe them, you'll have to see them.)

Phoebe freaks out after learning Gary is planning to ask her to move in with him, which she is not ready for. Phoebe reluctantly agrees to move in, however the relationship quickly ends when Gary shoots a bird tweeting outside the bedroom window. Rachel buys a hairless Sphynx cat for $1,000 but quickly regrets her purchase when everyone mocks it and the cat continually hisses at and scratches her. She eventually unloads the creature on Gunther, making a profit. Ross and Joey pass time by tossing a ball back and forth, and subsequently try to see how long they can go without dropping the ball. Monica joins in, then Chandler, who is called a 'Dropper', joins in.

fd_One_Tree_Hill_02x20

fd_One_Tree_Hill_02x20_0

[INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - OPERATING THEATRE - DAY] (Camera pans up to Nathan in the operating theatre, picking up where they left off.) NATHAN: (v.o) Douglas Adams once wrote: 'He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream,... (The nurse pulls his coverings up.) NATHAN: (v.o) and he sometimes wondered whose it was,... (The camera zooms in on him.) NATHAN: (v.o) and whether they were enjoying it. (There are beeps in the background which signify Nathan's heart rate.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LUCAS' BEDROOM - DAY] (Its 6:59 am, Lucas alarm clock beeps and he reaches over, turning it off.) (He sighs and sits up, putting his earphones on and turning his music on. He exits his bedroom and shuts the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Pills are tipped into a glass of yellowish water. The camera pans up to show Dan. He's looking at the glass, transfixed.) LUCAS: (Appearing) Breakfast of champions, Dad? DAN: (Smiling) You were out late. You have fun? LUCAS: Ah,... you know, I was... out with the guys. DAN: (Expectantly) I thought maybe we could work out after school; do some weights. LUCAS: Yeah, whatever. KAREN: (o.s) We should be offering organic entrees in all our locations. (Shot of her as she walks to the sink, talking on the phone.) (Lucas' eyes harden and he puts his earphone back in.) KAREN: We'll talk about this when I get in. (Pause) Yeah, I'll see ya in ten. (She looks at Lucas.) KAREN: Good morning, honey. DAN: Morning, wife. You're outta here early. KAREN: Meetings all day. (She kisses Lucas on the cheek.) KAREN: Good morning, Lucas. (He takes his earphone out but doesn't even turn to her. She looks at Dan.) DAN: (Changing the subject hopefully.) Will you be home for dinner? KAREN: I'll call ya. I better go. (Smiles and walks up to him.) (He kisses her on the cheek.) KAREN: Got my eye set on a new location. DAN: (To Lucas.) How many café's can one person own? KAREN: (Turns to look at them.) Even dozen should do it. (She leaves and Dan looks at Lucas. Lucas picks up an empty bottle of alcohol from the bin.) LUCAS: (Looks at it before showing Dan.) Late night for you too, huh dad? (Drops the bottle back in the bin and walks away. Dan smiles demurely. He tries to say something to Lucas but can't find the words.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Nathan, wearing a hoody with 'Deb's Den' on the back, bounces his basketball on the tarmac as he heads to his friends.) SKILLS: (o.s) Oh, man, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you. MOUTH: (Watches Nathan as smiles before talking into his mic.) Finally taking the court - ladies and gentlemen - is the Rivercourt's own Nathan Lee,- (Nathan pulls his hood down and sighs.) MOUTH: -star player and recent applicant to the prestigious High Flyers basketball camp. (Nathan greets all of his friends.) SKILLS: Oh, you forgot, uh,... ladies usual. (Fergie laughs.) NATHAN: Had to stop by the post office. (Pulls out an envelope from his pocket and shows it to them.) FERGIE: High Flyers, baby. What's the word? NATHAN: I dunno; I haven't opened it yet. JUNK: (Snatching the envelope.) Dude, what is wrong with you? NATHAN: (Laughs) That's a felony. (Junk opens it, not caring.) SKILLS: Yeah, whatever, turn us in. (Junk finally gets the letter out.) Come on, what-what's it say? (They all read it.) FERGIE: (Pointing to the letter.) Say's he's a finalist. (Nathan exhales and his panicked expression fades.) MOUTH: Nathan, that's awesome(!) NATHAN: Alright, I'm just a finalist(! ) It's not the same thing as me actually getting into the camp. JUNK: (Giving the letter back.) Uh-huh, act like you don't want it. NATHAN: (Takes the letter.) What I don't want is to get my hopes up. There's no way they're gonna pick some guy that's never played organised basketball. MOUTH: They'll pick a guy who played like you did on my videotape. SKILLS: Nate, uh, I'm your best friend, right? So I feel like I can tell you this; uh,... stop being so damn modest and come out here so we can keep you humble. (Nathan smiles.) (They laugh.) NATHAN: Shoot for teams, huh? SKILLS: Exactly. (Nathan bounces the ball. Fergie bounces his to Skills who catches it. Nathan shoots and it goes straight through the hoop.) SKILLS: Oh, OK, OK. (Skills takes his position.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE STREETS - LUCAS' CAR - DAY] (Lucas comes racing down the road with Peyton sitting in the passenger seat.) LUCAS: So, you wanna hang with the guys tonight? PEYTON: (Bored) Oh, gee, there's a unique idea. LUCAS: Come on, Peyt, what, I can't bond with the team? PEYTON: What about bonding with your girlfriend? (Lucas sneers and turns away, shaking his head. Stops her CD.) PEYTON: I was listening to that(!) (Turns in back on.) LUCAS: Fine! You don't wanna hang out with us?! (Peyton looks away in exasperation.) Why don't you just sit in your room; listen to your loser rock... and do live s*x shows on your webcam for all I care! (Peyton turns to look at the road and her eyes widen.) PEYTON: (Pointing) Lucas, LOOK OUT! (Lucas grabs the wheel and presses the brake, hard. The car skids to a stop, inches from Nathan who is listening to music and bouncing his basketball.) (Nathan stops, shaken, and turns to look at them. He pulls his hood off and takes an earphone out of his ear. Lucas revs the engine threateningly.) NATHAN: Daddy teach you how to drive? (Peyton looks between the pair, worriedly.) LUCAS: (Smirking) Yeah, he sends his love. Now get outta my way, loser(!) (Nathan doesn't move. Lucas inches the car forward; just touching Nathan. Nathan looks down at the bumper; Lucas smirks and does it again.) (Nathan looks up at Peyton.) PEYTON: (Mouthing) 'I'm sorry'. (He puts his hood and earphone back on and walks away.) PEYTON: (Turning to Lucas.) Why do you have to treat him like that? (Lucas looks at her, eyebrow raised.) Could've easily been you, you know? If your dad had married his mom instead of yours. LUCAS: (Sneering) Yeah, like that was ever gonna happen. (He shifts the gear down, presses on the gas and they speed off.) (Shot of the sign on the back of the car that reads: 'I Got Mine At Keith Scott Motors'.) FADE TO BLACK: END OF TEASER: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KEITH SCOTT MOTORS - MAIN - DAY] (Camera pans across the sign inside the building and a cardboard cut-out of Keith; grinning toothily and pointing.) KEITH: (Selling to a customer.) You see, it's this... retro style and the, uh, leather interior package; makes this one-one powerful sexy machine. (Pause) And when you factor in the Keith Scott service guarantee and that elusive thing that we call the, uh, (Grins) the cool factor; this car is definitely gonna get you laid. (The customer considers and then grins, nodding.) (Dan enters the shop, late and out of breath. He checks his watch.) KEITH: (Spotting Dan.) (To the customer.) Uh, do me a favour; have a seat in my office and think about that leather interior, huh? (The customer walks in that direction and Keith turns his attention to Dan. He's struggling to get his jacket on.) KEITH: Oh, let me guess: Doug ate your work ethic. DAN: Nah, I had to go by the uniform place; sign off the new Ravens logo. KEITH: (Snarkily) Yeah(!) Like Whitey's actually gonna let you make a decision. DAN: Come one, Keith, it's early, don't start. KEITH: I'm the boss here. Maybe you shoulda married Deb; you mighta gotten her parent's money, things'd be different. DAN: Can we just leave the past in the past? KEITH: Yeah, that's what you're best at, isn't it? (Looks out of the window and indicates it.) See that lady out there eyeing the convertible? (Dan turns to see a woman looking into a black convertible.) KEITH: She's ready to deal. (Dan turns back.) Try not to screw it up, huh? DAN: I'm on it, Keith. (Heads for the exit.) Oh, hey, I gotta cut out early for basketball practice, OK? KEITH: Just about the time the bars open up, (Smirks evilly.) right boozy? (Dan doesn't answer or react.) KEITH: Huh? (Sniggers cruelly.) (Keith walks away and Dan exits.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DEB'S DEN - COUNTER - DAY] (Deb is leaning on the counter, writing.) OTIS: (o.s) How bout I buy you a cold beer, Miss. Lee. (Deb looks to the side and smiles.) OTIS: Huh? (He drinks from his own beer.) DEB: (Amused) Otis, you've been offering for ten years; you know I don't drink. (Walks across to him with a cup.) OTIS: Doesn't hurt to try, does it? (Deb smiles and nods. The door rings and Nathan enters the den, holding his letter.) DEB: Hey, sweetie(!) NATHAN: What's up, mom. I got the mail; some, uh, bills, a letter from uncle Cooper and, uh,... (Drops an application to college, on the counter.) this. (He sits at the counter. Deb takes the leaflet and looks at it.) NATHAN: Thinking about taking some classes? DEB: If they offer a course in making ends meet. (Nathan looks at the leaflet.) NATHAN: You ever regret it? Your folks cutting you off. DEB: (Looking him in the eye, seriously.) Not for one second, Nate. (Puts her hand on his.) Otherwise, I wouldn't have you. (Nathan smiles and nods.) DEB: Besides, money buys you nothing but misery. (Looks through the mail.) I mean,... look at Dan and Karen and Lucas. (She takes the letter out and looks at it. Nathan smirks knowingly.) NATHAN: Well, you know, you could up the traffic in here by hiring some... hot girls to dance in the bar. OTIS: (Pointing at Nathan.) There you go. Yeah. NATHAN: Just saying. (Smiles) (Deb mumbles nonsense and smiles.) HALEY: Speaking of hot girls (Haley enters with her Snoopy hat.) sorry I'm late. (Smiles at Deb.) School bus driver ran out of gas. NATHAN: Where were you today? HALEY: I told you, Mr. Hirshfield took us to the planetarium. If you ever listen to me, maybe you'd know that. NATHAN: OK, alright. I just can't believe you went out in public with that hat. (Deb turns to Haley and Haley glares kindly at Nathan.) HALEY: Remind me why I'm friends with you again. (Deb opens the High Flyers letter.) DEB: Nathan, this is from that basketball camp. NATHAN: Yeah, I'm a finalist. (Looking modest.) It's no big deal. DEB: Well, it's a huge deal, honey, I'm really really proud of you(!) (Nathan smiles.) HALEY: Yeah, me too! (Nathan looks up at her.) HALEY: (Looking at the letter.) Congratulations. Well, we'll have to celebrate later. Right now, (Flings the dishtowel over one shoulder.) dirty dishes are beckoning. (Sternly) You rock, don't let it go to your head. (She leaves and Nathan smiles, heartened.) DEB: You know, you two are gonna end up married some day. NATHAN: Stop it(!) We've known each other forever; we're just friends. DEB: Good place to start. (Takes a drink from her cup.) NATHAN: (Pause) Keep dreaming. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (The camera focuses on the court as many feet walk across it.) SKILLS: Nah, for real, man, I'm serous, dule here really got bigger. NATHAN: Skills(!) (Junk, Fergie, Mouth and Skills laugh.) SKILLS: Nah, I'm serious(!) (Their smiles freeze on their faces as they come up to the Ravens basketball tem on their court, using their hoop. Lucas and the gang are all there.) NATHAN: You guys must be lost. (Lucas looks at Nathan while the others keep playing. Tim turns with Lucas as he scoffs girlishly.) LUCAS: (Advancing) Well, Whitey closed up the gym; We gotta have somewhere to run. (The rest of the team back Lucas up.) SKILLS: Well, you ain't bout to do it up here. TIM: (Scoffs) Oh contraire- LUCAS: (Exasperatedly) Tim, just say 'yes we are'. See, I'm in training for High Flyers. (Tilts his head.) You wouldn't know anything about that now, would you? Street trash. MOUTH: (Glaring) You wanna bet? (Nathan looks at Mouth.) JUNK: Nate's a finalist, too. NATHAN: Guys. SKILLS: It's true LUCAS: (Laughs amusedly.) Pipe dream, much? (Tim continues to laugh.) Coz they only take... (Walks up to him.) one player from each high school. Now who d'ya think they're gonna pick, huh? Star shooting guard... of the undefeated Ravens... or the Rivercourt b*st*rd. (Lucas snatches Nathan's ball from his hands. He glares before turning and bouncing the ball away. He jumps and dunks the ball through the hoop, grabbing the ring for a beat before letting go and hitting the ground with both feet, landing with ease. He turns to smirk at Nathan and the team back away to follow him off the court.) (Shot of Nathan.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - DAY] (Nathan runs along a bridge, headphones in his ears as he listens to music and works out.) (The camera pans down to show Brooke, standing beside her car as she watches him with her arms crossed.) (Cut back to Nathan as he finishes crossing the bridge.) (Brooke smiles conspiratorially.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - BOYS SHOWERS - DAY] (Nathan is alone in the shower room, having a wash, his back to the camera. Brooke enters, dressed only in a towel. She looks around before walking around the partition and silently approaching Nathan. She looks him up and down and grins.) BROOKE: So I guess the rumours are true; (Nathan starts and grabs the nearest towel; trying to cover himself.) Mr. Size 14. (He looks at her embarrassedly.) NATHAN: Wh-a(!) Uh,... I think... you're in the wrong locker room. BROOKE: (Mock confused.) Well,... (Turns and holds one side of the towel out.) the... sign says 'Boys'... (Deliberately drops the towel.) doesn't it? (Nathan looks away as she exposes herself.) NATHAN: Ohhhhkayyy, Whoa(!) BROOKE: (Not nearly embarrassed.) Oops(!) (Nathan doesn't meet her eyes, red in the face.) BROOKE: I'm Brooke; but I bet you already knew that. NATHAN: Yeah, I-I gotta go(!) (He rushes out of there as fast as he can without slipping.) (Dan is standing there, having witnessed the entire thing. Brooke walks to the exit and, without missing a beat, smiles innocently at him.) BROOKE: Hi, Coach Scott(!) (Dan follows her exit with a curious look.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - GYM - DAY] (Lucas is pushing weights and groaning slightly with the effort. Dan comes up behind him.) DAN: Ah-ah, I got you. Come on. (Lucas struggles to push the weights up.) Push! (Lucas finally gets it done and sits up, pissed.) LUCAS: God, I had it, dad(!) DAN: (Laughing) Right(!) What're you slinging? LUCAS: Bout 160. DAN: Wow, didn't know I had a daughter. Let's kick it up. We're gonna have to start 200 a day if we're gonna impress the High Flyers scout. (He adds some more weights.) LUCAS: Why, coz you couldn't, back in the day? DAN: I'm trying to help you. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. LUCAS: What do you know about your other son applying for High Flyers? DAN: Don't call him that. Don't worry, he'll never make it. (Lucas looks off and scoffs.) LUCAS: Well, he made finalist. Which means Whitey must have signed off on his application. (Lucas gets up and leaves while Dan glares.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILLH HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY'S OFFICE - DAY] (Dan stomps into the office.) DAN: You're not seriously considering Deb's son for High Flyers spot. WHITEY: Well he's your son too, Danny. (Picks up some papers.) And good morning to you. (Smiling) DAN: That kid's just trying to sabotage Lucas' shot(!) WHITEY: (Smile drops.) That 'kid' sent in a tape that impressed the scouts so much that they made him a finalist. All I did was sign the papers. I'm an equal opportunity instigator. (Grins) DAN: You did this just to get me. (Turns to the exit.) WHITEY: Danny(!) Maybe it didn't make the nightly news but this is not about you. (Dan turns to him.) DAN: Nathan's never played for a real team. He's a street-ball player, Whitey(!) WHITEY: (Angry) And apparently, a pretty damn good one! Least he got something from you. DAN: (Shakes his head.) What're you up to? WHITEY: Just fairness. I wouldn't expect you to understand that. (Pause) But if Lucas is the better player, he's got nothing to worry about. (Grins evilly.) Till then, let the best man win. (Dan turns back to the exit.) WHITEY: Oh, and, uh, (Dan stops.) be sure and let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. (Whitey laughs as Dan shuts the door behind him. The camera pans to a framed picture of Dan and Whitey. Whitey's holding the trophy in front of Dan's face so it can barely be seen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE MARKET STREET DOCK - THE RIVER - DAY] (Camera pans down from the trees to the small table and benches that Nathan and Haley are sitting at. They are eating Crackerjacks.) HALEY: She was totally naked? NATHAN: As the day she was born. (Haley groans and looks away.) NATHAN: Only a lot more... curvy. HALEY: Well what happened then? NATHAN: (Shrugs piteously.) I got the hell outta there(!) HALEY: (Amused) You and Brooke Davis. (High voice.) Captain of the 'CheerSluts'(!) That is hard to picture. NATHAN: (Nods as he looks into the Crackerjack box.) Yeah, I'd say 'hard' is the right word. HALEY: Eeew(!) (Smacks him on the arm.) (They laugh. He pulls out the gift from the box.) NATHAN: OK, what's this? (Rips it open and pulls out the purple bracelet; the same from last season.) HALEY: Oh, score, a bracelet. Last time I got some fake tattoo with a random number. NATHAN: Well, here. (He stretches out the bracelet so that she can put her hand through it.) NATHAN: It matches that, uh, thing you call a shirt. HALEY: (Pointing to her poncho.) My mother made this for me, and shut up(!) NATHAN: You shut up. HALEY: You shut up. (She smacks him on the hand and puts her other one through the bracelet.) NATHAN: (Pointing) Don't say I never gave you anything. (Smiles) (Haley smiles and eats another Crackerjack.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LEE RESIDENCE - NATHAN'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is sitting in his bedroom, working, when there's a light knock on his door. He looks for a beat before standing and walking to the door. It opens to Whitey.) NATHAN: I think you... have the wrong son's house. WHITEY: ...I need to talk to you about your game. (Cut to Whitey putting a picture of Nathan and Deb back onto the shelf. Turns and sighs.) WHITEY: I didn't know you were that good a player till I saw that tape. You're a little rough round the edges but you got the makings. NATHAN: (Leaning on his desk.) If this is about me joining the team, you can forget it. WHITEY: (Laughs) Son, I'm a lot smarter than you give me credit for. (Pause) Asking you to play alongside Lucas, when that, uh, ass-crack (Nathan smiles agreeably.) of a father of yours is my assistant coach; I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. (Nathan nods. Whitey sits in Nathan's bed.) WHITEY: Tell me, why did you apply to the High Flyers? NATHAN: Coz I love the game. (Pause) Coz all the messed up... history in this town has kept me from being able to play. (Shrugs) This camp might give me a shot at playing college; where I don't have to... live in anybody else's shadow. (Whitey looks down.) NATHAN: I know I'm good, I just wanna prove that I'm good enough(!) WHITEY: Nathan, I'm gonna level with you: you getting into that camp is a long shot. (Nathan's hopes die.) WHITEY: I can only pick one athlete from this school... normally, Lucas'd be a shoe-in... (Sighs and looks back up.) but I was impressed by your tape. NATHAN: (Shrugs) Then... pick me. WHITEY: (Torn) It's not that easy. (Stands) I have to be sure you can hold your own with a real team: passing, defence,... running picks. NATHAN: (Shakes his head.) Well, I can't play in that gym, Coach. WHITEY: (Laughs) Well, then play at the Rivercourt. NATHAN: (Smiling) You want me to play against Lucas? WHITEY: (Seriously) Technically, I want you to beat him(!) (Smiles) That's up to you. (Nathan smiles as he assesses Whitey.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (The sound of a basketball match is heard in the background as the camera pans across pictures of Karen and Dan to a picture of Lucas in a 'Clarence 41' shirt.) (Shot fades to Dan watching the TV of his long past glory days and smiling.) LUCAS: (o.s) Want me to cue Springsteen's glory days? (Shot cuts back and shows Lucas standing over Dan's shoulder.) LUCAS: Take the picture? DAN: So, I'm nostalgic. LUCAS: (Lifts an eyebrow slightly.) That's one word for it. Sweet dreams, dad. (Leaves the room.) DAN: Hey, cut me some slack, son. (Stands) I look at you and I see... I see myself twenty years ago. It reminds me of all that promise. (Lucas looks at him.) If I ride you, (Pause) it's because I wanna see you feel all the triumph that I never had. But I'm telling you, this 'kid' is a risk to all that. LUCAS: Oh, you mean you other son? DAN: Only biologically. He means nothing to me, and you mean everything. (Lucas laughs and looks away.) DAN: I saw his tape today, and I was wrong when I said that he's no threat to you. So you're gonna have to do whatever it takes to beat him. LUCAS: Don't sweat it, dad. (Looks at him.) I'll protect what's left of your good name. (He looks at the TV. The tape that Dan has of his and Karen's prom night is playing. Karen speaks about how they will be married and live in a big house.) LUCAS: You got bigger problems anyway. (Lucas smirks and exits.) (Cut to the TV.) PROM KAREN: Come visit us in ten years and... I bet you can meet the kids and... get a tour of our big house... and see how happy we are. (Dan turns away and looks down before turning the TV off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KEITH'S APARMTENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Karen and Keith are in bed, doing what most naked people do in bed.) (She reaches over to the clock and turns it so that she can see the time.) KAREN: What time is it?(!) God, I gotta go(!) (She sits up and takes the covers with her.) KEITH: Oh, no(!) KAREN: Oh, I've already worked late a lot these past few weeks. (She puts her shirt on and sighs.) KEITH: Dan is not gonna be suspicious, trust me. (Leans against the headboard.) (Karen walks to the rest of her clothes and looks back at him, sighing.) KEITH: Why don't you stay the night? KAREN: (Looks at him.) You know I can't do that. KEITH: Well, you could if you leave him. (She turns to him and smiles. She gets back onto the bed and they look at each other.) KAREN: Who would protect Lucas? KEITH: From what? Becoming a jack-hole like his father? I think it's a little late for that. KAREN: (Sternly) Keith(!) KEITH: OK, I-I'm sorry. (They exchange looks.) You know, I would raise Lucas like he was my own. (Karen looks at him for a beat before getting off the bed.) KAREN: (To herself.) Sometimes I think he is. (Keith leans up on one elbow as he watches her leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SCOTT RESIDENCE (EST) - EVENING] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Karen enters the kitchen to find Lucas there.) KAREN: Lucas, you're up late. LUCAS: (Distant) Makes two of us. KAREN: Meetings, you know. LUCAS: (Smirking) Yeah, I know. (Walks past her, drinking from a bottle of water.) KAREN: Hey, wait(!) (He turns to her, glaring.) KAREN: I thought I'd make some coco. We could sit and talk like we used to. LUCAS: You want a late night chat, mom? Why don't you just try calling Uncle Keith? I'm sure he'll come running. (The hurt is evident in his eyes as he leaves. Karen doesn't know what to say to him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE - DAY] (Shot of a slide of the stars.) MR HIRSHFIELD: (o.s) As you see, class, galaxies come in three main- (Camera pans to Nathan and Haley.) HALEY: Of course you're gonna do it, you've gotta play this game(!) NATHAN: Haley, (Struggles) it's Lucas. HALEY: So, you can't let him stop you from chasing after your dream(!) NATHAN: (Sighs) That's easy for you to say. HALEY: Dude, nothing is ever gonna happen for you if you don't put yourself out there(!) (Amused) You gotta shoot for the stars(!) (They laugh.) NATHAN: What about you? What're you're dreams? HALEY: (Instantly) Chocolate. NATHAN: Seriously? HALEY: Yea, chocolate. (She laughs.) Um,... well, I never told anybody this... but, I kinda wanna be a singer. NATHAN: A singer? HALEY: Yeah, you know, like, tour the country and play concerts and wear really cool clothes and then release an album. (Nathan turns away, laughing.) HALEY: Oh, you think that's funny? NATHAN: No,... I just,... Haley, I've heard you sing. HALEY: (Gasps and slaps him.) Shut up(!) Just because I'm tone-deaf doesn't mean I can't dream, OK? NATHAN: No, yeah, you're right. You're right, I guess it doesn't. (Haley laughs. Nathan looks at her and sighs, smiling warmly.) (The camera pans back to Lucas and Tim who are sitting at the back of the class.) TIM: I got it. Seduce the tutor girl. You know, like, get inside her head and... steal her away from him. (Lucas frowns and sighs.) TIM: Then dump her; crush her heart. LUCAS: Tim, that's the dumbest idea ever. TIM: (Looks back at Nathan and Haley.) What're you talking about? It's genius(!) LUCAS: (Sighs) You wanna hear genius? Tonight's the game. (The camera cuts back to them.) LUCAS: He can't win if he doesn't show up. TIM: You're gonna kill him?(!) (Lucas sighs and closes his eyes, begging for a little intelligence. He leans over and whispers in Tim's ear. Tim grins giddily.) TIM: You got mad things, yo. (Hold out his fist for Lucas to knock.) LUCAS: (Studies him stoically.) ...Tim, just say it's a good plan. (Lucas ignores the fist. Tim turns away and sighs. Lucas glances back at Peyton who's studying him, completely aware that he's up to something.) (The class has ended and Haley is packing up her things. She puts her book into her bag. Peyton approaches her.) PEYTON: Um,... (Smiling) you're a tutor, right? HALEY: (Smiling) You're a jackasses girlfriend, right? (Stands up.) PEYTON: Guess we're both right. Uh... look, I'm Peyton... and... I know you're friends with Lucas' brother. HALEY: Half-brother, his name's Nathan. PEYTON: He's, like, you're boyfriend or- HALEY: (Annoyed) He's, like, my friend(!) Why do you people always assume that? God(!) (Looks down and then up again.) Look, let me just save you some time, OK, Goldilocks, he's really not into cheerleaders(!) PEYTON: (Not backing down.) OK, first: retract the claws(!) (Haley stops and looks up.) PEYTON: Second: Lucas is planning on doing something to Nathan tonight. Before the game. HALEY: What's he gonna do? PEYTON: I don't have any specifics... but, he will do anything to get to that stupid basketball camp. So you might wanna warn Nathan. (Haley, disheartened, looks down.) PEYTON: Just thought you'd like to know. (Exits the classroom.) (Haley blinks.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Shot of the hoop and sky. Nathan suddenly appears as he dunks the ball and grabs the hoop. Pan down to Nathan bouncing and throwing the ball again.) (Dan's there. He gets out of the car and shuts the door. Nathan, not knowing, takes the ball and walks back, bouncing it again.) DAN: I thought it was time to break the ice. NATHAN: (Turns to him, ball still in hand, and scoffs.) After seventeen years? (Inclines his head and throws the ball again.) Nice try. (Dan watches him and grins.) DAN: That's my DNA, you know? NATHAN: If that's what you need to believe. DAN: Let's get right to it. (Pause) I'll give you five-hundred bucks to withdraw your application. NATHAN: (Amused) Well, I'd give you this weeks allowance... (He throws the ball. It goes in and Dan catches it and does a silly little move.) DAN: You really think you've got a chance to win this thing? You're kidding yourself. Just like your mother was kidding herself when she moved to Tree Hill. NATHAN: (Shakes his head, angry.) You know what? I wasn't even sure if I was gonna go through with this game... but now I am gonna play. (Takes the ball back.) And I'm gonna win. (Dan grins, impressed.) DAN: I guess you are my son after all. (Dan smiles and nods as he walks away. Nathan throws the ball and it goes through the hoop again.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DEB'S DEN - BAR - EVENING] (Deb walks around behind the bar.) DEB: OK, it's, uh, (Counts the money handed over by a customer.) eight bucks for the beers, ooo, twenty dollar tip(!) MAN: Hey, the twenty's on the Rivercourt team. DEB: (Stops short of putting the money in her top.) Ah, good man. (Smiles at him.) (There's a lot of cheering as Nathan enters the bar. Nathan looks to his mother for an explanation.) DEB: (Waving) Hey, honey(!) NATHAN: (Shouting to be heard.) What's going on? DEB: We're starting the victory party a little early. (She looks up as Nathan walks to her.) DEB: What, bad idea? NATHAN: No, it's just, um,... (Looks at her.) Dan came to visit me. He offered me cash to drop out. DEB: (Smiling to herself.) Oh, honey, (Puts her hand on his.) Shut him out(!) You're good. I don't know if I tell you this enough, but I,... (Shakes her head.) am so proud of you. (Nathan smiles.) Even more so when you kick that kid's butt tonight. NATHAN: Yeah. That's the plan. (Nathan leaves and Deb thinks. She grabs the empty glass off the bar.) GUY: (As Nathan passes.) Good luck, Nathan. (Haley walks out of the back, relieved.) HALEY: Thank god(!) Where have you been and why aren't you answering your phone? NATHAN: Right here and I'm... recharging the batteries. Why, what's going on? HALEY: Because Lucas is gonna try something tonight, OK? (Nathan looks away before facing her again, resolute.) NATHAN: Let him. I'm not scared of him. HALEY: Will you just be careful, please? NATHAN: I'm gonna be fine, alright? I promise. (He smiles and walks past her. Haley squints, still worried.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DEB'S DEN - THE ROAD - EVENING] (Nathan exits the building and walks alone, head down and hands in pockets. A car is heard zooming before it stops behind him and the doors open. Guys from the basketball team jump out.) TIM: Yo, Nate! (They charge at him and grab him from behind.) NATHAN: What the-! Get off of me! (They put a sack over his head. Nathan manages to elbow Tim in the face and he goes down; not surprisingly.) TIM: Let's go(!) (Shuts the door and gets into the driver's seat.) (They drive off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. SWAMP - EVENING] (The car stops at the swamp and they pull Nathan out. His hands are tied behind his back and the sack is taken off.) NATHAN: (Seeing where they've bought him.) Oh, come on(!) (He struggles but they continue to drag him forward. He's dropped into it.) (Lucas and Tim appear, smirking.) LUCAS: Oops(!) (Nathan gets to his feet as the pair advance on him. He struggles as he walks up to them, staring them in the face.) LUCAS: I warned you. It seems you and me have something in common. (Nathan looks up at him.) LUCAS: (Smirking) We don't quit. NATHAN: You and I, moron. LUCAS: (Raises an eyebrow and leans forward.) What? (Nathan sighs and shakes his head dismissively.) LUCAS: Look, (Pause) I have been working towards this camp since junior high... and nobody's gonna screw it up for me. Especially not you. So I'm gonna be nice and let you walk away from this game. TIM: (Grinning) We should take his clothes. (The two guys holding Nathan look confused and Nathan just frowns at Tim.) LUCAS: (Sighing) Tim, what is wrong with you? You pitch that every time we kidnap a guy. TIM: I mean, i-i-it'll make it harder for him to get home. LUCAS: (Beat) And so will this; (Walks forward.) (The guys continue to hold Nathan as Lucas walks up and puts his hand into Nathan's pocket.) NATHAN: (Eyebrow raised.) Getting your jollies? (Lucas smirks and takes Nathan's phone out of his pocket, throwing it into the water. Nathan turns back, pissed, but there's nothing that he can do; he's held tight.) LUCAS: You tell anybody about this,... and you're dead. (Nathan glares.) LUCAS: Let's go. (They leave Nathan there, hands tied and stranded, with no phone and no car. He struggles to get his hands free.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SAWYER RESIDENCE - PEYTON'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Close-up of pictures of many many eyes on Peyton's wall. The camera pans down to show Peyton's drawing. It's of a closed door and a welcome mat which says 'P. SAWYER' and has a sketch of herself on the mat.) (Lucas enters the room. Peyton looks at him before turning away.) LUCAS: You ready? PEYTON: Nope. I'm not going. (Continues drawing.) LUCAS: Oh, come on, Peyt, I thought we were gonna work on... you know, getting back to normal. PEYTON: (Scoffs and gets up.) OK, trust me when I say that normal is the last thing I want with us because - in case you haven't noticed - normal sucks with us, Lucas. And I hate it when you call me 'Peyt'. LUCAS: (Smirking) Is this about Nathan? PEYTON: No(!) It's about you(!) I'm starting to see who you really are and I may be late to that party but... better late than never. (She spots a stain on his jacket.) PEYTON: You did something to Nathan, didn't you? (Lucas looks at it.) What, your stupid kidnapping thing? LUCAS: I thought you said this wasn't about him. Hm? (Peyton looks away.) LUCAS: You know, I'll just come back when you're not so... PMS. (Walks away.) PEYTON: Don't bother(!) LUCAS: Peyton- (Turns back.) PEYTON: Luke, I mean it(!) We're done. (Looks him straight in the eyes.) LUCAS: ...Your loss. (Pause) Peyt. (Exits) (Focus on Peyton.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (Shot of the hoop. The camera pans down to show all of the gathered people. Lucas is throwing practice shots at the hoop. Junk, Fergie and Skills enter the court and look at Lucas.) SKILLS: Hey, where's Nate, man? LUCAS: (Turing to them.) Maybe he chickened out(!) (Tim laughs.) FERGIE: Maybe you're a dick(!) LUCAS: What? DEB: (Concerned) Where's Nathan? JUNK: That's what we're trying to find out. (Deb looks around. Lucas looks at her, smirking.) SKILLS: Hey, how'd you get that shiner on your eye, dawg? (Cut to Tim.) What, you and your boyfriend here like it kinda rough? (Tim laughs and looks down before shoving Skills. Skills backs up a bit before swinging back and punching Tim in the face.) LUCAS: Hey! (Comes between the pair.) (Dan appears and holds the pair apart. People struggle all over the court, trying to start something.) WHITEY: Break it up, break it up. Come on, what're you trying to do? Get thrown outta the game before it starts? (Pushes Tim.) Get over there. (Lucas backs up. Whitey passes glares all around.) (Karen is there, standing beside Dan.) DEB: (To Karen and Dan.) My son better be alright. (Karen looks at Dan accusingly as Deb turns away.) DEB: (To herself.) Where are you, Nathan? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE SAWMP - EVENING] (Nathan is walking down the road when Peyton drives up to him. She pulls up next to him and he looks at her.) PEYTON: (Unlocking the door.) Get in. NATHAN: How'd you find me? PEYTON: (Amused) You think you're the first guy he's done this to? NATHAN: I can see why you stay with the guy. PEYTON: Actually, I broke up with him tonight. NATHAN: So you're helping me just to piss him off? PEYTON: That, and you seem like a decent guy. Plus, I think everybody deserves a shot. If you really want something bad enough no one has the right to stand in your way. (Nathan looks away.) PEYTON: What? NATHAN: Nothing, I just... I got that weird... déjà vu thing. PEYTON: I don't believe in past lives. I think we've got one life, one chance and what we do with it is up to us. (Nathan smiles.) PEYTON: So get it. I'm your only hope of making it to the stupid game on time. (Nathan concedes and opens the door, getting in. They drive off.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (People are hanging around, still waiting for Nathan. Lucas is still taking shots at the hoop. Haley walks up from behind.) MOUTH: Well, ladies and gentlemen, the game's looking like a forfeit, with Nathan Lee a no-show- HALEY: Not so fast, Mouth. (Lucas walks past and she confronts him.) HALEY: What'd you do?(!) LUCAS: What, it's not my fault your boyfriend finally grew a brain. (Touches her chin.) Sweetie. HALEY: Peyton said that you were gonna try something. H- (People start converging in the opposite direction. Haley turns to look. A car is heard. Deb turns too and Peyton's car pulls up.) (Lucas eyes it and Nathan gets out. Haley and Deb walk to him.) DEB: Are you alright? NATHAN: Yeah. (Kisses her on the cheek.) I'm fine, mom. (To Haley.) Hey. HALEY: Hey. (Nathan greets a few other people and Peyton shuts her car door, walking forward. She looks at Lucas sternly. He turns and walks onto the court.) (Whitey approaches, looking at his watch, ball in hand.) NATHAN: Am I too late? WHITEY: (Throws the ball at him.) Almost. (Nathan catches it.) Get this game started. (Lucas walks up, not in the least bit pleased.) WHITEY: Four on four. Let's hustle(!) NATHAN: No(!) (Whitey stops and turns back.) Me against him. (Points to Lucas.) It's the way it's always been, right? (Lucas doesn't argue.) NATHAN: Why should tonight be any different? LUCAS: (Smirks) Your funeral. WHITEY: Game to eleven by one. (Looks at the pair.) LET'S GO! (Claps and walks off the court.) (Nathan throws the ball at Lucas.) NATHAN: Shoot for ball. LUCAS: (Scowling) Fine by me. (Throws the ball and is goes through the hoop.) (Lucas holds his arms out as the crowd cheers. Nathan bounces the ball and passes it back to Lucas. He walks to him and Lucas tosses it back. Nathan walks up, holds the ball out and gets ready.) (There's a moments pause before Lucas makes a move, dodges and jumps, throwing the ball. Nathan jumps too but it sails high and goes through the hoop.) (The cheerleaders cheer, decked out in gear though there's no need for it. Dan claps and Karen smiles.) (Bouncing the ball, Nathan takes Lucas' previous position and moves about slightly, trying to put Lucas off.) (Lucas crouches and waits for Nathan's move. He bounces the ball, spins, and jumps, letting go of the ball. It flies and goes through the hoop.) (The crowd cheers and Haley whoops whilst clapping.) (Lucas runs with the ball and dunks it, too quick for Nathan.) (Nathan runs jumps and gets a basket.) (Deb smiles happily, silently praying for her son.) (Nathan tries to block Lucas' attempt but it's in vain as the ball eventually goes in.) (Nathan jumps and shoots but it hits the edge, missing the basket.) (Cut to Whitey who is scowling for all he's worth. He looks away.) (Fade to the game. Lucas jumps and hits it. The crowd cheers every time either one makes it. He gets another one and another in a series of fades. Nathan's hands aren't enough to stop him.) (Lucas passes him the ball. Nathan runs and jumps, getting the ball in three times with a series of fades.) (Lucas shoots and scores as does Nathan.) MOUTH: (o.s) So, rank my last two girlfriends and you'll have the score folks; it's ten-nine, Nathan Lee. (Nathan blocks Lucas all the way down the court. Lucas deliberately turns and elbows Nathan in the face. Nathan almost goes down with the force of it. Deb stands, anguished.) MOUTH: Oh, and that's a foul by Scott. (Lucas gets another basket while Nathan's down.) MOUTH: That's gotta hurt. (Bevin's eyes are wide and Brooke gapes at the indecency of it. Lucas takes the ball and watches Nathan. Peyton glares. Haley waits, worried.) (Nathan spits out and Lucas approaches him.) NATHAN: (Touches his mouth to make sure that he's OK.) No foul,... the basket counts. (Lucas nods smarmily and advances.) MOUTH: And Lee calls it good(!) It's ten-ten, game point. Next basket wins. (Whitey shakes his head and looks away. He can't watch. Karen looks at Dan. Peyton watches tensely.) (Lucas tosses the ball.) LUCAS: (Leaning forward.) You know, he's never mentioned you once; (Gives him the ball.) not in all these years. (Nathan looks at him as if he's crazy.) NATHAN: And you really think things would have been different if he'd married my mom? If you do, you're a fool. LUCAS: (Tense-jawed) You're the fool,... and after you miss this basket, a loser too. NATHAN: (Exhales) Whatever(!) This is for my mom. (Nathan crouches, dodges right, then left, moves forward - Lucas keeping track the entire time - before turning and hitting the fade away. The shot moves into slow-motion as he jumps and gets the basket. Lucas can't stop him. Nathan hangs onto the basket as he realises that he's won.) (Nathan's feet hit the ground. Mouth, Deb and Haley scream with the rest of the crowd as they jump up delightedly and cheer for their lives.) (The cheerleaders look on, stunned.) (Lucas gapes as he looks around, unsure of what happened.) (A crowd of people converge on Nathan and grab him in a many-armed hug. Nathan hugs his mother. He slaps hands with many people.) (Peyton smiles happily.) WHITEY: (To Dan and Karen.) Looks like Nathan's going to High Flyers after all. (Whitey smirks and walks away. Karen and Dan don't say a word.) KAREN: (Off Dan's look.) It's just a game, Dan. (Walks away.) (Lucas looks at his father but Dan shakes his head and walks off. Lucas approaches Nathan and holds his hand out. Nathan looks down at his hand cautiously before shaking it.) LUCAS: Good game. You deserve to go to that camp. NATHAN: (Confused) Thanks. LUCAS: You're gonna be OK. Just... (Smiles and bumps him on the shoulder.) come back to us soon. (Backs up and walks away.) NATHAN: (Still confused.) What's that-? HALEY: (Walks up to him.) They haven't invented words for how much I love you. (Smiles) (Nathan smiles happily.) HALEY: Doesn't look like I'll be needed this anymore. (Holds out her hand.) (She drops the bracelet into his hand. He closes it and looks up at her.) HALEY: Don't say I never gave you anything. (She smiles and backs away too; leaving him there alone.) (Nathan frowns and looks down at his hand. Close-up as he opens it to reveal, not the bracelet but Haley's wedding ring. He looks back up and everybody's gone. He is completely alone.) NATHAN: (Looking around.) Haley?! (Looks down at the ring and then up again.) HALEY?! HALEY!? (Birdseye view of Nathan as the camera slowly zooms out.) NATHAN: (v.o) HALEY!? WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Camera pans down to Nathan who's in the bed with a tube in his nose.) NATHAN: (Still dreaming.) Haley? Haley?! (Lucas gets up from his chair and leans over Nathan.) LUCAS: Hey, Nate? (Nathan sighs and opens his eyes.) LUCAS: (Quietly) Nate. (Nathan looks at him.) Hey, it's me. Don't worry. (Nathan is distressed.) It's OK, it's me. (Nathan looks at his hand.) LUCAS: Hey,... (Nathan glances back.) welcome back little brother. (Obviously pleased.) (Nathan doesn't know what to say. Lucas smiles and shakes his head; pleased that his brother's OK.) (The camera zooms out slowly as neither one says anything.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Lucas is back in the chair.) LUCAS: How're you feeling? NATHAN: Like I hit a brick wall. (Lucas laughs and shakes his head.) LUCAS: Well, the doc says you're gonna be fine. (Nathan sighs heavily.) LUCAS: (Long pause.) You know, what was this anyway, huh? Some sort of messed up... anything Lucas can do, I can do better? NATHAN: No... you wanna hear something really messed up though? (Finding it hard to breathe.) I thought I died, went to heaven. LUCAS: (Nodding) No kidding. NATHAN: Yeah. (Pause) Only,... heaven was a place where... Dan chose your mom... over mine. (Lucas looks away and laughs.) NATHAN: Then Haley was tone-deaf. (Lucas nods.) NATHAN: But that was only a dream. I did kick your ass on one-on-one, though. LUCAS: Well, I guess it was a dream then, huh? (Laughs) (Nathan tries to laugh but it hurts too much. Lucas' smile falls as he thinks about how to phrase what he did.) LUCAS: I know you... you asked me not to, but... I called Haley. (Beat as Nathan looks at Lucas.) LUCAS: She's your wife, Nate. And she loves you. She needed to know. (Lucas waits for a reply but Nathan gives nothing.) LUCAS: Nate? (Nathan faces him.) I have to ask you something. (Long pause.) When you hit the wall... (Shakes his head.) there was no brake marks on the track. (Nathan just looks at him dispassionately.) NATHAN: You're asking me if I did this on purpose? (Lucas nods but there's no time for a reply as the door opens and Deb enters.) DEB: Nathan(!) (Lucas turns to look at her.) DEB: (Shuts the door.) Oh, thank god(!) (Lucas is disappointed as he makes to stand up.) LUCAS: I'll let you two, uh... (Stands up.) DEB: (Sighs as she takes Lucas' seat.) Nathan, I- NATHAN: (Cutting her off.) I love you, mom. (Nods) (Lucas makes a hasty exit. Deb sighs happily.) NATHAN: I mean that. And I-I know I've been a jerk lately; to you, to everybody else. (Deb touches his arm.) NATHAN: (Looking at her.) I'm sorry. DEB: You've been hurting. NATHAN: It doesn't matter. (Pause) I know you're just trying to be a good mother. (He reaches out and holds his hand open for her. Deb takes his hand and smiles happily, tears in her eyes. She stands and sits on the edge of his bed.) DEB: I haven't been a good mother, Nathan. But that's going to change now. NATHAN: (Looks at her confused.) What're you talking about? DEB: ...I need to be stronger for you... and for myself. (Pause) So, while you're healing from this,... I'll be healing too. I promise you. NATHAN: (Smiles) Whatever it is,... I got your back. (They smile at each other.) NATHAN: Do you ever... wonder what life would be like... if Dan had married Karen... and just stayed out of our lives? DEB: (Pause) All the time. (Inhales) Why? (Again, Nathan doesn't get to reply as the door opens and Dan enters. They look at him.) DAN: Glad to see you're awake, son. (Deb turns away from him. The tears have fallen over. Nathan just scowls at his father. Dan exits the room and Deb looks down. Nathan smiles at her.) (Shot of their hands before the camera pans left.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (There is less shredded paper on the bed and Brooke is still hard at work, sorting out every tedious little piece. She has almost finished piecing together the invoice. She smoothes it out with her fingers and looks at it closely.) BROOKE: (Sighs) A receipt for a car. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - SEATING AREA - EVENING] (Karen is on the phone, clearly upset. She looks at it and shuts the phone slowly. Whitey sees her and takes the seat beside her.) WHITEY: Were you able to get in touch with Keith? KAREN: (Shakes her head.) His voicemail is full. (Choked up.) He... needs to know what's happened to Nathan. (Close-up of her distraught face.) KAREN: But I... can't even leave him a message. (Whitey puts his arm around her and she leans her head on his shoulder.) KAREN: (In tears.) Where is he, Whitey?(!) WHITEY: (Almost whispering.) I wish I knew. (Karen cries on his shoulder as the camera panes right.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BRIARWOOD RECOVERY CENTER - FRONT ENTRANCE - EVENING] (Deb walks up to the clinic. Dan is behind her, watching with an indecently bright gleam in his eye.) (She turns back to look at him.) DAN: It's OK, Deb. I'll be here when you get out. (Deb looks at him with as much pride as she can muster before pushing the door open and entering.) (Shot of the sign which reads: 'BRIARWOOD RECOVERY CENTER: PRIVATE'.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan is sitting - propped up - in the bed. Peyton and Brooke are on one side of the bed and Lucas is sitting at the other side, on the actual bed.) NURSE: (o.s) Sorry guys, (They turn to look at her.) visiting hours are over. (Smiles) LUCAS: (Turns back and smiles at Nathan.) You need anything? NATHAN: No, I'm cool, man. (Lucas pats him on the arm and stands. Peyton stands and kisses him on the head. Brooke kisses him on the cheek and smiles at him.) NATHAN: (Amused) I know you both want me. (Brooke and Peyton scoff at him.) BROOKE: Yeah(!) In your dreams(!) (Peyton mouths 'bye' and they walk to the door. Brooke waves and exits, Peyton smiles and exits, Lucas waves and exits. Nathan smiles. The nurse turns the lights off and closes the door.) (With the streetlights as the only source of illumination, Nathan reaches over for the phone; wincing as he irritates his injuries. He sets the phone on his lap and sighs before lifting the receiver.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] (A phone rings.) HALEY: (Answering her ringing phone.) Hello? (Haley is rushing to board a plane that will take her back to her husband.) NATHAN: (Through the phone.) It's me, Nathan. HALEY: (Obviously relieved.) Thank god(!) What happened? (Sets her bag down.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] NATHAN: I'm gonna be OK. HALEY: (Through the phone.) Well, I'm glad. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] HALEY: I'm coming home tomorrow, OK? NATHAN: (Through the phone.) Actually- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] NATHAN: -no, (Scoffs) it's not OK. (Pause) Don't come home, Haley. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] HALEY: Nathan, I have to come home. NATHAN: (Through the phone.) No, you don't. (Her smile falls.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] NATHAN: You have to go after your dream; just like I have to go after mine. (Sighs) Coz if we don't, then,... we're just gonna end up regretting it... then we're gonna end up resenting each other. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] HALEY: (Shocked) Nathan, I wouldn't- NATHAN: (Through the phone.) Yeah, but we don't know that. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] NATHAN: Nobody knows what's gonna happen. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] (Haley listens to him, hurt and astounded.) NATHAN: (Through the phone.) (Sighs) Whatever choice you make today,... is gonna affect the rest of your life. (Haley can't reply.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] NATHAN: So,... don't come home, Haley. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] HALEY: Nathan, listen... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (There's hurt evident on his face.) NATHAN: Coz I don't want you to. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] (Haley's eyes widen in shock, she can't believe it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - NATHAN'S ROOM - EVENING] (Nathan slowly hangs up the phone. He looks out of the window, desolate.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. AIRPORT - DEPARTURES - EVENING] (Haley takes the phone from her ear and looks at it as if hoping that it will give her answers. She gapes at it.) (Fade to the camera zooming out as Haley stands there. Finally, she bends down and picks up her guitar case, running her hands through her hair.)

Lying in a coma after his race car accident, Nathan dreams of what life would have been like if Dan had stayed with Karen and Lucas instead of marrying Deb. In his imaginary world, Lucas has the wealth and stature and Nathan is the one growing up on the wrong side of the tracks. When he wakes up, Nathan phones Haley and tells her he doesn't want her to come home. This episode is named after a song by Talking Heads .

fd_FRIENDS_09x14

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Written by Sherry Bilsing-Graham & Ellen Plummer Transcribed by Marita Bakken [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.] Joey: Morning, roomie! Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning. Joey: Fifth day's a charm. Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma. Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night? (Ross enters.) Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight? Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so... Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night. Rachel: Bye! (She leaves.) Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you. Joey: No, hey, it's been great. Ross: Yeah? Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump... Ross: Yeah, that'll do it. Joey: Wow! So, how are you? Ross: I'm, I'm okay. Joey: Really? Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce. Joey: Well, actually it... Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people. Joey: Wow, really? Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me... Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls. Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind? Joey: Ooh, names? Opening credits. [Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey. Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something? Phoebe: What you got? Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't tried that yet. Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food. Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody. Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too. Joey: Why are they doing this? Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy. Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here? Phoebe: I just wish they'd realise they should be together. Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed. Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children. Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name. Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for each other. Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the bedroom. Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people? Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart. Phoebe: Yeah. (BEAT) Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise how good they are together. Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan! Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.) (They both start laughing really loudly.) Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh... (He looks at his bedroom door, but he can't remember the name of the girl.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in the kitchen as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Hey! Monica: Hey! Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you? Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries. Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight. Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to? Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date. Monica: Oh my god. Chandler: Wow. Rachel: Why? What's the big deal? Monica: Just figured, 'cause you and Ross are... Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set. Chandler: Well, I think it's great that you're going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood! Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume! Rachel: So I'll bring her by around seven? Is that okay? Monica: Oh, it's perfect. Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! She's at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that she's eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, 'cause she likes to grab it. And oh, she's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun! Chandler (reading the newspaper): Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey is drinking coffee by the counter as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Ooh, Joey. Joey: Hey. Phoebe: Hey. I'm so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight. Joey: All right! Who is he? Phoebe: Well, it's this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me. Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. (They sit down on the couch.) Joey: She's this really boring woman. She's a teacher! Phoebe: A teacher? Joey: Yeah, yeah, she's really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles? Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman! Joey: Oh my god, you're right! Phoebe: Yeah. Joey: She even reads for pleasure! Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that? Joey: What? I'm not allowed to know smart women? Phoebe: Joey. Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee. Phoebe: So now what do we do? Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else. Phoebe: What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off, but we don't tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up! Joey: Ooh...I hear that's bad. Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good they have it together. Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.) Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... (Laughs the real "plan-laugh.") (They both start laughing again.) Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun. Phoebe: No, I think we killed it. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma is there in her playpen, while Chandler is behind the couch.] Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while. (He does the ancient trick of going downstairs while behind the couch. As soon as he's out of sight, Emma starts crying.) Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have! (Monica enters from their bedroom with a calendar.) Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next 48 hours. Chandler: I don't do that. (Monica looks at him.) Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth? Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Today is the sixth. Monica: No, it's not. (Points at the calendar.) Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003. Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant. Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay. Monica: Okay. (She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is silent, however.) Chandler: Tough crib. Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here. Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times. Monica: Chandler! Chandler: I am not working. There's not much to do around here! [Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross is waiting for his blind date to show up. A waiter walks past him.] Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle? Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy. Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me. Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine? Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone. Waiter: Got stood up, huh? Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date. Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left? Ross: No! (The waiter leaves.) [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica emerges from the bathroom.] Monica: We're okay. I'm still ovulating. Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four o'clock this afternoon, I am not. Monica: So, let's do this. Chandler: I - I don't think I can. Monica: Come on. I know you're not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute. Chandler: Because of Emma. Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, you're right, we can't do this. We can't leave her alone. Chandler: Sorry. Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age? Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it. Monica: Canoodling? Chandler: Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y. Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having s*x in front of a baby isn't so... Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for? Monica: I guess you're right. Chandler: You guess I'm right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldn't have s*x with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window. Monica: But what kind of a sick b*st*rd wants to do it in front of a deer? [Scene: Another restaurant. Rachel is studying the menu together with her date, Steve. Steve is the stoned restaurateur from 115 TOW the Stoned Guy.] Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think I'm gonna have the chicken. Steve (staring at Rachel): I - I just have to say this; you're really beautiful. Rachel: Oh, well, that's - that's very sweet. Thank you. Steve: I'm kind of funny looking. Rachel: What? Steve: Oh, come on, you're way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over there's probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, I'm not! Rachel (feeling awkward): So, what do think you wanna order? I'm really excited about that chicken. Steve: I'm not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, he's not that good-looking, but maybe we'll have some laughs"... That ain't gonna happen. Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; let's not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. That's impressive. Steve: I lost it. To drugs. (Steve makes a face as if his mouth is too dry.) Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now. Rachel: Really? What's that like? Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. That's right. I have no money, I'm not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and I'm pretty sure I'm infertile. Rachel (awkward chuckle): Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself. Steve: I do like my hair. Rachel: Really? [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are there. Phoebe's cell phone rings.] Phoebe: Hello? (Rachel is still at the restaurant, but Steve is gone.) Rachel: Phoebe, it's me. I'm going to hunt you down and kill you! Phoebe: Hey, Rach! Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep? Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends. Rachel: I don't care! This guy is a nightmare! Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned. Rachel: He's not stoned. Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette? Rachel: Yeah, four times. Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach. (Rachel hangs up in disgust.) Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone. Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon they'll be back together. Phoebe: By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico. (BEAT) Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma has fallen asleep in her playpen, and Chandler has fallen asleep right next to her on the floor. He's even sucking on a pacifier.] Monica: She's asleep. Chandler? (Chandler wakes up and looks a bit confused when he finds that he has a pacifier in his mouth.) Monica: What are you doing? Chandler: Emma was doing it! Monica: She's asleep. Chandler: Ooh, she's asleep, that means we can... Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast. Chandler (laughs): Okay, I'll try. And you can't make any noise. Monica (laughs): Okay, I'll try. (They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.) Joey: Hello? (Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.) Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi! (He picks her up.) Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why's the bedroom door closed? (He walks over, but just before he knocks on the door, he hears some moans and looks shocked.) Joey: You can't have S-E-X, when you're taking care of the B-A-B-I-E! (He walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Delmonico's. Ross is still waiting for his date and drinking wine. The waiter comes up to him again.] Waiter: I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left. Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be. Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house. Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have s*x tonight. Waiter: Ooh... (Ross sees the waiter looking at him.) Ross: Just the crab cakes. (Meanwhile, another waiter has come up to the first waiter.) Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you can't do that. Waiter: Just get out of here, okay? Ross: What's - what's going on? Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home. Ross: What? You - you're making money off my misery? Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am. Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way. [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're done and come out of their bedroom. Emma is still gone.] Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast. Chandler: I think we may have really done it this time. Monica: Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test. Chandler: You may wanna get some more of those too. (They walk over to the playpen.) Chandler: Where's Emma? Monica: Oh my god, where's Emma? Where's Emma? Chandler: Don't ask me, I was in there canoodling you! Monica: Okay, okay, I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell. Chandler: Okay. (Runs out.) Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel. [Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Steve are walking home from their date. Steve is sobbing.] Steve (sobbing): I - I can't believe I'm crying in front of you. You must think I'm so pathetic. Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry. Steve: Really? (He puts his hand on her shoulder.) Rachel: Don't touch my coat! (Her cell phone rings.) Rachel: Oh, sorry, it's my phone. Hello? Monica (on phone): Hey, Rach, how's it going? Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever! (Steve starts crying loudly.) Rachel (to Steve): Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? (To Monica.) What's up? Monica: Hey, did you stop by here? Rachel: No. Monica: Oh my god, then... (Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.) Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are! Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she? Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just - she loves it when I'm dramatic. (Monica hangs up, and Rachel looks at her phone.) Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her? Joey: Because you two were having s*x! Monica: No, we weren't! Joey: Don't you lie to me! I could tell by Chandler's hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once? Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating. Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have s*x with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this. (Joey starts to leave.) Chandler: No, no, no. Monica: No, please don't. Please, Joey. She will kill us! Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless... Monica: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey. Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebody's gotta carry on my family name. Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani. Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me. (He leaves.) [Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Steve and Rachel are still there.] Rachel: Well, uh... Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me? Rachel: Really, really not. Steve: Eh, it's just as well. Doesn't work anyway. Rachel: All right, well that's good to know. Good night, Steve. (She walks over to Central Perk and enters to find Ross sitting on the couch, eating crab cakes. She takes off her coat while groaning and shuddering.) Ross: Hey, what's wrong? Rachel: I just had a rough night. Ross: Oh. Crab cake? Rachel: Eww! Ross: Well, what happened? Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but... Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date. Rachel: Yeah. Ross: I did, too. Rachel: Oh. Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up? Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left? Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that? Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up. Ross: That bad? Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this. (She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female Body Inspector" on the front.) Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that? [Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.] Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey? Joey: Uh-huh. Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me? Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having s*x. Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. (Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.) Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. (Joey does the "plan-laugh.") Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh. [Cut to inside Central Perk.] Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters. Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show. Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid. [Cut to outside Central Perk.] Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding. Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. (Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.) Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run! Joey: Where? Phoebe: Mexico! (They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.) End credits. [Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.] Joey: Can you believe they're still not here? Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances? Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now? Waiter: What? Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes. Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry. (He points at Steve who's sitting at another table. He's staring at his hands.) Steve: I have such fat hands! (He starts crying.)

To get Ross and Rachel to realize they are perfect for each other, Phoebe and Joey set them up on bad blind dates. Monica and Chandler babysit Emma. Guest starring Sam Pancake as the waiter and Jon Lovitz as Steve.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x37

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_01x37_0

THE REIGN OF TERROR by DENNIS SPOONER first broadcast - 8th August, 1964 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. FOREST (It is getting dark. Two figures walk through the dense forest.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Once they have gone the TARDIS materialises nearby.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The Doctor is making adjustments to the controls, under the collective gazes of Susan, Ian and Barbara. The atmosphere is noticeably colder than usual. He turns to them.) DOCTOR: There we are. Home. BARBARA: Doctor, we... (The Doctor motions for her to be quiet.) DOCTOR: It's all right. Chesterton made the position quite clear. Now, I have some work to do. SUSAN: Grandfather, please... DOCTOR: Hush, child. Say your goodbyes and remember - we shall be leaving almost immediately. IAN: Do you have to be in such a hurry? DOCTOR: Enough time has been wasted bringing you back, young man. I have the universe to explore. SUSAN: (To Barbara.) Must you go? BARBARA: Susan, we've visited many places together - had lots of adventures. But you always knew we intended to return home when we could. SUSAN: Yes, I know, but... BARBARA: Look, I know it's hard to say goodbye but, one day, you'll understand why we had to. SUSAN: But grandfather can bring you back any time now! IAN: Don't you see, Susan? The longer we leave it, the harder it'll be. (Susan hugs them both quickly then runs away. The Doctor comes up to them, leafing through a book.) DOCTOR: Hmm. Still here? IAN: Yes, we're waiting for you to carry out the checks. DOCTOR: Quite unnecessary. IAN: Oh is it? Are you so certain you know where we are? DOCTOR: Certain? Of course I'm certain! If you doubt me, take a look for yourselves. (He goes to the console and switches on the scanner.) DOCTOR: Perhaps that will satisfy you. (The image is of the forest outside.) BARBARA: Mmm. It could be, I suppose. DOCTOR: Thank you. Obviously you're still in doubt. Let us take a longer look, through the trees, hmm? (The scanner shows a field with the forest in the background.) BARBARA: Ian, look! Fields, crops... It's fully cultivated! IAN: Yes. Pity it's so dark. I can't see a sign of any buildings. BARBARA: You know, it reminds me of a holiday I once took - In Somerset. DOCTOR: Then I expect it is Somerset, my dear. Well, if you're going, be off with you. IAN: Look Doctor, I think I'd be better if you came with us, at least to explore. (As he speaks the doors swing open.) DOCTOR: It's out of the question. I refuse to leave the ship. IAN: Maybe you have succeeded. Maybe we are where you say we are. But, I remember an occasion when you took us home once before. BARBARA: (Laughing.) Yes, and we met Marco Polo! DOCTOR: Entirely different circumstances! I'm rather tired of your insinuations that I am not master of this craft. Oh, I admit, it did develop a fault - a minor fault on one occasion, perhaps twice. But, nothing I couldn't control! IAN: I know that. Of course you're in control. You're always in control. And I'm sure you could revisit us at any time. DOCTOR: Very simple. Quite simple! IAN: Exactly, quite simple. But you have your important researches to complete. You may not find the time. There's a chance that we won't meet again. Don't you think it would be better if we parted under more friendly circumstances, say, over a drink? DOCTOR: (Reluctantly.) Yes. Yes, well perhaps, since you put it that way, an hour or two won't come amiss. Susan! Bring my stick will you? (Susan returns with his stick.) SUSAN: Yes, grandfather? DOCTOR: I'm going to see Ian and Barbara back home safely. (The Doctor leads the other three, all excited out of the TARDIS.) BARBARA: Well done, Ian. I say, do you think we really are home? IAN: I don't know. Won't take us long to find out, will it? Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. FOREST (The Doctor locks the TARDIS door then joins the others who are standing nearby.) DOCTOR: Well? BARBARA: Well, those crops suggest a manor or farmhouse. It should be reasonably close. SUSAN: It's very warm, isn't it? It must be summertime. DOCTOR: Mmm. SUSAN: Ian? IAN: Yes? SUSAN: Why aren't there any lights? IAN: That's a point. It's dusk, and we've got a very good view from here. BARBARA: Well, towns and villages can be well-spaced, even in England. DOCTOR: Are we going to stand here talking all night, hmm? (He begins to walk off we suddenly one of the bushes near them rustles noticeably.) IAN: (Whispering) All right, Susan, I saw it. Keep talking. SUSAN: (Whispering) All right. Be careful though. (Ian heads off towards it.) BARBARA: Did you see what it was? SUSAN: No I didn't. DOCTOR: Perhaps it was a rabbit. Do you know, Chesterton's getting quite jumpy these days. Young man like him shouldn't (Stutters.) suffer from nerves. (Some muffled cries emerge from the bush.) BARBARA: Well, that rabbit of yours is putting up quite a fight. (Ian returns, grabbing a young boy by the scruff of the neck. His clothes are little more than dirty rags.) BARBARA: Ian, you're hurting him! IAN: Oh, no I'm not! (He releases the boy.) DOCTOR: Come here, my boy. Where are we? Where do you live, hmm? SUSAN: Grandfather, you're frightening him! (To the boy.) We're your friends. Don't be afraid. BARBARA: Look at him. He's absolutely terrified. IAN: Yes. Of us or of something else? DOCTOR: (To the boy.) Come along! Answer my questions, boy! JEAN PIERRE: Please, I've done nothing. IAN: We're not going to hurt you. BARBARA: No, of course, we're not. Look, we've lost our way and we need you help. This is England, isn't it? JEAN PIERRE: England? No, France. IAN: France! Well, how far from Paris? JEAN PIERRE: Not far. Twelve kilometres. IAN: Well, that's something, I suppose. DOCTOR: Hmm, hmm, hmm. Paris, eh? Hmm. A hundred miles or so, either way is to be expected. After all it's only a fraction of the distance we've covered. It's quite accurate, in fact. IAN: Yes. Assuming the distance is our only error. You know Doctor, I have a feeling you've been building up our hopes again. DOCTOR: Oh, nonsense. Let's have a word with the boy. Now look here, my boy. (Jean Pierre makes a break for it.) DOCTOR: Now, hold him! (Ian tries to block his way but is simply pushed over.) IAN: We lost him. DOCTOR: (Dryly.) You don't say. (Ian clambers to his feet.) IAN: Pity. Probably knows these woods like the back of his hand. SUSAN: I wonder why he was so afraid. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. COURTYARD OUTSIDE A HOUSE (Barrels and ladders are stacked against the wall. Jean Pierre opens a small gate, looks furtively around and knocks on the only door. It is opened and a hand pulls him inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. FOREST (The others are pushing their way through the forest. The Doctor stops and points ahead with his stick.) DOCTOR: Chesterton, there's a house. Look. Straight ahead of us. IAN: Yes. What do you make of it, Barbara? BARBARA: Well, it looks deserted. You know, I'm certain we're sometime in the past. IAN: Yes. Well, we were a hundred miles out. Perhaps we're a hundred years out. DOCTOR: (Dismissively.) Oh, rubbish, rubbish. BARBARA: Well, it's possible. IAN: You know, I think we ought to get back to the ship while we still can. DOCTOR: Nonsense. It was your idea to explore, anyway. (Pointing to the house.) Besides, that might be very interesting. Walk will do us good. (The Doctor leads Susan off. Ian and Barbara lag behind.) SUSAN: Come on you two! You don't want to be lost in the dark. IAN: Don't worry, we're right behind you. BARBARA: (To Ian.) Well, we're still not home. IAN: No, we're not, are we? Still, I do think he tried this time, even if it was out of bad temper. BARBARA: So we stay with the ship. IAN: Yes. Cheered Susan up, hasn't it? BARBARA: Well, are you disappointed? IAN: Mmm. Funny enough, no. I don't know. Depends where we are. I still could be. SUSAN: (Calling.) Ian! Barbara! BARBARA: Well, we'd better join the others. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (The Doctor and Susan open the gate and look around them, cautiously.) DOCTOR: It looks uninhabited. I wonder if we can get in? (He goes over to the door. Susan waits and they are soon joined by Ian and Barbara.) BARBARA: Did you find anything SUSAN: Not yet. Grandfather's seeing if he can get in. IAN: Oh, is he now? SUSAN: Mmm. (Ian joins the Doctor who is peering through the keyhole and taps him on the shoulder.) IAN: Doctor? DOCTOR: I... I say, take a look through there will you. I think your eyes are sharper than mine. (Ian peers through.) IAN: Too dark to see anything, Doctor. No, I don't think anyone's lived here for years. (He turns around to find the Doctor gone.) IAN: Doctor? Doctor? (He turns round a corner in the wall and finds the Doctor there. The Doctor gestures to another door he has found.) DOCTOR: We're in luck. The door's unlocked. IAN: Ah. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS (They enter and stumble around the pitch darkness. The Doctor lights a candle, illuminating the place.) DOCTOR: Look, I'll take upstairs and you search down. IAN: All right. (The Doctor takes the candle through a small doorway leaving Ian with another candle. Ian picks it up as Barbara and Susan join him.) BARBARA: Where's the Doctor? IAN: He's gone upstairs. Look at this. (He hands the candle over to Barbara.) IAN: What do you think a candlestick like that's doing in a place like this? BARBARA: I don't know. (Susan has found a chest full of clothes.) IAN: Huh. Here's a tinderbox. SUSAN: Hey, look at this! (She hands the clothes to Barbara who examines them.) BARBARA: Hey, this is eighteenth century! (Susan pulls out more.) SUSAN: Look at this one! BARBARA: You know, there's a whole wardrobe here. Look, they're all different sizes too. (Ian has found some bundles.) IAN: Look at these bundles. Bottles of wine. (He opens one.) IAN: Bread. Huh. A bit stale. BARBARA: There's another bundle over here. (She unravels some pieces of paper.) BARBARA: Hey, look at all these maps! There's a whole bunch of daggers down here. (She holds one up to demonstrate. Ian has found some more paper.) IAN: These documents - official documents - undated and the name is left blank. They're passes, Barbara. BARBARA: Yes, but nobody lives here. I mean, look at the dust everywhere. IAN: This is a stopping off place. A link in some escape chain. (He hands one of the passes to Barbara.) IAN: Here, look at this. (Barbara reads it and grips Ian's arm.) BARBARA: Ian, this is signed by Robespierre! IAN: (Chuckling.) Robespierre? Huh, huh. Must be a f... (He sees that it is also written on the other papers.) IAN: Oh, wait a minute. The Doctor's put us down right in the middle of the French Revolution. BARBARA: Yes. The Reign of Terror. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. INSIDE THE HOUSE, UPSTAIRS (The Doctor is exploring in the darkness, only dimly lit by his candle. Suddenly he is hit from behind by an unseen assailant and collapses unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS (Susan, Ian and Barbara are now wearing some of the period clothing and making final adjustments to it. Ian calls through the small door.) IAN: Doctor? Doctor? BARBARA: (To Ian.) How do I look? IAN: Oh, very pretty, mademoiselle. [SCENE_BREAK] a bit modern but it's all right. It was a good idea to change into these clothes. We won't look so conspicuous when we go back to the ship. SUSAN: We might not get back to the ship if grandfather hears we're in the Reign of Terror. IAN: Why not? SUSAN: It's his favourite period in the history of Earth. (Susan wanders off and Ian sighs.) IAN: Not getting very far, are we? What on Earth's he doing up there? Come on. Let's go and find him. (He picks up the candle and the three of them turn only to be confronted by two men. The closest is covering them with a gun. He nods to the candle.) ROUVRAY: Don't move. Please put that on the table. (Ian hands it to Barbara who does so.) ROUVRAY: Thank you. What are you doing here? (The other man speaks to Rouvray urgently.) D'ARGENSON: Don't waste time, Rouvray. Kill them. They're after us. ROUVRAY: I think not, (To the travellers.) but I would advise you to answer the question. BARBARA: We're travellers. SUSAN: We only stopped here so we could find our way. ROUVRAY: At a deserted house? D'ARGENSON: You'll gain nothing by this questioning. We should be moving on! ROUVRAY: Patience, d'Argenson, even in these troubled times our visitors have the right of an explanation, even if our enemies do not accord such privileges. IAN: We're not your enemies. We are what we say we are - travellers. ROUVRAY: When you entered our hideout, you entered our lives. Do you travel alone? BARBARA: Yes. D'ARGENSON: You see, they lie! ROUVRAY: We found the old man upstairs, do not count on his assistance. SUSAN: (Angrily.) What have you done with him? (Ian has to restrain her.) ROUVRAY: At the moment he's safe. It was in your power to see that he came to no harm. But, your answer proves that you do not speak truthfully, there is something you are concealing. IAN: It doesn't concern you. D'ARGENSON: (Moaning.) We must be leaving now. The soldiers will have followed! ROUVRAY: In France now, there are only two sides. You're either with us or against us. Our allegiances are obvious, we want to know yours. BARBARA: We appreciate what you say but we have no side. We're not even French. ROUVRAY: A word of warning. If you intend to stay in France you will have to choose. (He puts his gun away.) D'ARGENSON: (Protesting.) We cannot trust them now! ROUVRAY: If we are to escape from France, we must have faith! If all people are incapable of our trust, we shall take the Terror with us! SUSAN: Where is my grandfather? ROUVRAY: The old man? D'Argenson, go... IAN: Shh! (The sound of many people talking comes from outside.) IAN: Listen. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. FOREST (It is now dark. The Revolutionary army, dressed in rag-tag uniforms, approaches the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS D'ARGENSON: (Panicked.) The soldiers! They've found us! ROUVRAY: (Whispers.) Quiet. (Ian and Rouvray take up positions by the main doorway.) D'ARGENSON: But they'll take us to Paris to the guillotine. [SCENE_BREAK] . My whole family were executed, even my younger sister. They came to the house while I was out and they dragged them away. Rouvray, we must go while we have the chance! ROUVRAY: They will see us. Our only hope is to stay here and hide. They may pass. IAN: They're coming in. D'ARGENSON: (Shouting.) It will be the guillotine for all of us! ROUVRAY: D'Argenson. D'Argenson, quiet! (Rouvray pulls out his gun again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (The soldiers enter the yard.) SERGEANT: Wait here! (To the lieutenant.) The pigs will still be running. They won't have stopped yet. LIEUTENANT: And this is their route according to our information, sergeant. They could be hiding in this house. SERGEANT: I'll have the men search the place. LIEUTENANT: No. No, let's let them rest. They've had a long march. We'll cover the back. SERGEANT: We'll block their escape! LIEUTENANT: If they are in there, we can let them suffer the waiting. (The sergeant turns to a scruffy looking man with an eyepatch.) SERGEANT: You. Round the back. SOLDIER: Go yourself. (Mockingly.) Citizen! (The other soldiers laugh.) SERGEANT: And if they run, you'll have the chance of stopping them. SOLDIER: Yes. It's a long time since I had a royalist to myself! SERGEANT: Keep your eyes open! (He bursts into laughter.) SOLDIER: (Coldly.) Don't worry. They won't get past me. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS IAN: They're not coming in. ROUVRAY: No. The intention is to break our nerve. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (The soldiers wait patiently for anything to happen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS (Rouvray is telling his story to Ian.) ROUVRAY: ...and then we were warned to leave, or face arrest and execution. Friends warn us, and friends denounce us. IAN: Hmm. It seems the soldiers followed you. Who knew you were taking this road? ROUVRAY: Who indeed. It's difficult to have secrets these days. (Susan and Barbara approach them.) SUSAN: Ian. Grandfather. ROUVRAY: The old man? He's upstairs somewhere. D'Argenson? You dealt with him. (D'Argenson simply shakes his head.) IAN: Never mind. I'll find him. (Ian leads Susan and Barbara off. When Rouvray's back is turned, D'Argenson opens the door. Rouvray sees him.) ROUVRAY: D'Argenson! Come back! You fool! (D'Argenson rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (D'Argenson pauses just outside. the soldiers wait in anticipation. Rouvray calmly walks out and joins his friend.) LIEUTENANT: Sergeant! : Rouvray. ROUVRAY: (To the soldiers) Don't move! And get away from that man. LIEUTENANT: Take him! ROUVRAY: You'll listen to me! (The soldiers remain still.) LIEUTENANT: So Rouvray, your voice still carries authority. Even to my soldiers! ROUVRAY: (To one soldier.) You. Come here. Give it to me. (The soldier gives Rouvray his gun. Rouvray throws it to the ground.) ROUVRAY: (To the lieutenant.) You can give them uniforms, lieutenant, but they remain peasants underneath. (A soldier next to the lieutenant raises his gun and fires it at Rouvray. He falls dead.) SOLDIER: Let's get the other one! Hold him! Hold him! (D'Argenson tries to make a brake for it, but the soldiers manage to overpower him. The lieutenant kneels over the body of Rouvray.) LIEUTENANT: A desperate attempt. And it very nearly worked. (A gunshot echoes from where the soldiers have captured D'Argenson. They all laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. INSIDE THE HOUSE, UPSTAIRS (Ian is looking around.) IAN: Doctor? Doctor? Where are you? [SCENE_BREAK] 18. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor lies completely still. Suddenly Susan's scream is heard.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. INSIDE THE HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS (Ian cautiously emerges from the doorway to the stairs only to be grabbed by the soldier with the eyepatch who already has Susan and Barbara. The soldier covers them with his gun while the lieutenant walks out of the shadows.) LIEUTENANT: Well, my sergeant was right. It did pay us to look in the house. IAN: We are not... LIEUTENANT: Silence! (To the soldier.) If any of them speak again without permission, shoot them. (The sergeant enters.) SERGEANT: The bodies have been removed, lieutenant. (He points to the travelers.) SERGEANT: What about these? LIEUTENANT: Outside. SERGEANT: Go on, you heard the lieutenant, move! SOLDIER: Outside into the courtyard. (He pushes them out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor begins to stir.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (Susan, Ian and Barbara are lined up with their backs against the wall, a firing squad in front of them. The sergeant stands between them.) SERGEANT: Load muskets! SOLDIER: We already have. Get out the way. (The lieutenant emerges from the house.) LIEUTENANT: Stop! We take them to Paris. SOLDIER: No, we'll shoot them here. LIEUTENANT: We've got the men we came for. SOLDIER: Yes, and more. I say we kill them. (The other soldiers murmur in agreement.) LIEUTENANT: Now listen. Listen. We also want credit for our additional prisoners. Lemaitre may not believe us if he does not see them for himself. SOLDIER: That's true! SERGEANT: But, there may be a reward. SOLDIER: That's right. Perhaps there his a reward! LIEUTENANT: And besides, why should we do what Madame Guillotine can do so much better? SOLDIER: Let's take them to Paris to the guillotine! (To the prisoners.) Move! (The prisoners are escorted away from the house. The sergeant and the soldier with the eyepatch are the last to leave. Suddenly the sergeant stops.) SERGEANT: Wait! We'll burn the house down! (He runs to the front of the procession and returns a few moments later with a blazing torch. He hurls it into a pile of hay, which gradually begins to catch fire.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor slowly clambers to his feet. Smoke begins to pour through the floorboards. He desperately attempts to open the door but it is locked.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. COURTYARD OUTSIDE THE HOUSE (The fire continues to spread.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24. FOREST (Susan, Barbara and Ian are being led along by the soldiers.) SUSAN: Is there no sign of him? (The three of them look back towards the house.) BARBARA: (In alarm.) The house! Look at the house! (The soldiers laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. HOUSE (The blaze now virtually covers the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. FOREST SUSAN: What about grandfather!? BARBARA: I'm sure he got out of it. IAN: I hope so, for all our sakes. SOLDIER: Get moving! (Reluctantly they continue their march, unaware that they are being watched by Jean Pierre. He looks back at the house.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor is choking on the smoke.) DOCTOR: Help! Help! Can you hear me? Get me out! (The smoke finally gets the better of him and he collapses.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28. HOUSE (The blaze continues.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29. INSIDE THE HOUSE, A SMALL ROOM UPSTAIRS (The Doctor still lies unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30. HOUSE (The flames continue to burn into the night sky.)

The TARDIS materialises not far from Paris in 1794 - one of the bloodiest years following the French Revolution of 1789. The travellers become involved with an escape chain rescuing prisoners from the guillotine and get caught up in the machinations of an English undercover spy, James Stirling - alias Lemaitre, governor of the Conciergerie prison.

fd_The_Office_07x21

fd_The_Office_07x21_0

Michael: It is six a.m. [DeAngelo yawns] and we are about to go house to house to give everyone their Dundie Nomination Certificates. Just like the Oscars! DeAngelo: Yes, and this happens every...? Michael: Every year! This happens, you have a lot to learn my friend. [DeAngelo laughs] DeAngelo: Well, you know, why don't we try it, and if it goes good it'll be part of my tradition. Michael: Why do you always say that? You're gonna love it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [arriving at the first house] Alright let's go! [DeAngelo runs in the wrong direction] This way, this way! [Michael knocks on the door] DeAngelo: Thanks. Michael: Surprise! DeAngelo: Congratulations! Jim: Yep, okay... Michael: You and Pam have both been nominated for Dundie Awards! Jim: Okay. Michael: [holds up a camera and DeAngelo meows] Here we go! Have Pam come down. Jim: No she doesn't wa- She's not here. Pam: What's going on? Jim: Stay in bed! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [next house] Congratulations! Stanley: Have you lost your mind! Get off my property before I call the police! Michael: We got it. DeAngelo: Uh, leave it at the door or...? Michael: Yeah that's fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [next house] Hey Toby! You suck! [throwing eggs at his house] DeAngelo: Is this an employee of ours? Michael: [giggles] Go go go go go go! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [arriving at a dumpy looking, unkempt house] I've never seen this place in the daylight. DeAngelo: It reminds me of Katrina. Michael: Here we go, alright got it? Set? [the door is ajar, Michael knocks lightly] Hello? [turns around to see Meredith walking towards her house] Meredith: I'm so busted! Walk of shame! DeAngelo: Do you usually leave your door unlocked? And ajar? Meredith: Ahh, Nice! I got a Dundie nomination! Michael: Yes you did. That's right! Congratulations Meredith. We should head out. Meredith: No no no! You guys stay! No no no! I have Vienna Sausages and I have napkins. [walks into her house] Let me fix you breakfast! DeAngelo: [whispers] I'm not going in there. Michael: [quietly shuts the door] Go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [walking into the office] Good morning Erin. Erin: Oh hey, didn't see you. Michael: You have big plans for tonight? Erin: I don't know, maybe volunteer at the shelter, or go to bed, or... I don't know. Maybe I'm going to the Dundies!! [Flashes her Nomination Certificate] Michael: You are getting so funny! [Erin giggles] Very good. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The Dundies are my baby, and they need to go on. When Larry King died they didn't just cancel his show. They got Pierce Morgan to come in, and do his show, and, that way, Larry lives on. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Anything can happen at the Dundies! [DeAngelo laughs] They're like the Golden Globes but less mean. And I just want all of us to have a good time! Dwight: Just a little announcement folks, remember, the Dundies is a black tie affair. Michael: Black tie optional. Dwight: Every day is black tie optional! Michael: A la, tonight we will be hosting at Louie Volpies! Kevin: Nice! [rest of the office looks excited] Phyllis: I love their breadsticks! Pam: Oh, their breadsticks are like crack! Ryan: I love when people say like crack when they've obviously never done crack. Pam: Well the breadsticks are like what then, Ryan, what can I use? Ryan: I don't know, something from your world. The breadsticks are like scrapbooking. Pam: You're right, you're right. I'm a middle class broad. [Jim does his "Jim face"] Michael: Shh, shh! Okay, okay. Everybody's right. They're like breadsticks on steroids. Right? Ryan: Yeah that's great. Michael: So as you know, the Dundies are my legacy. So I'm going to need to train a replacement. So this year, I have decided to have a co-host. [Dwight looks suspecting] And that person is [he and DeAngelo roll their tongues as a drum roll] DeAngelo! [all applaud] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Always the padawan, never the Jedi. [SCENE_BREAK] DeAngelo: Thank you Michael, uh, but I will have to pass. Michael: Think of it as part of your training. DeAngelo: Not much of a performer, unless you count singing in the shower. Boy, okay... Michael: [smiling] Okay, well we'll work on it. DeAngelo: [whispers to Michael] Michael, I'm very, very bad. Michael: You are doing it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [all in conference room] Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter. Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter. Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning. DeAngelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a- Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys... DeAngelo: This did not happen. Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay. [Ryan stands next to Michael up front] Ryan how are you today? Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist, my mom certainly pays her enough. Michael: [very excited] There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny. DeAngelo: Uhhh, you sir! [points to Jim] Are we having fun tonight? Jim: Having a great time. DeAngelo: Oh good! Jim: Thanks, yeah. DeAngelo: Where were you on September 11th? Michael: No! God! [Jim looks at him oddly] DeAngelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously. Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting. Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life! Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting. Michael: Jim, please no loopholes. Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind? Michael: This is my last Dundies ever, if I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask? [SCENE_BREAK] DeAngelo: [laying down, Michael is sitting on DeAngelo's stomach bouncing up and down in Michael's office] Me mo. Me mo. Michael: Good. Good. Good! DeAngelo: Meee Mo, Mee! Michael: Now, tell me something terrible that happened in your childhood. DeAngelo: When I was very young, my mother divorced my father and I had to go to court and choose between them. Michael: [getting off his stomach] Too personal. I don't wanna hear about it. [picking up a portable tape player] Let's try this. Put these on. [DeAngelo puts the headphones in] I am going to turn this on, and turn the volume all the way up. So you can't- [DeAngelo winces] That's right, you're not going to be able to hear yourself. Read this, [gives him a card] and make it sound perfect. DeAngelo: THE DUNDIES ARE-OW-ABOUT COMING TOGETHER! AND RECOGNIZING, THE ADOMINABILITY OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT! [Jim comes and closes the door] Michael: Say it with an accent! DeAngelo: [bad Australian accent attempt] THE DUNDIES! Michael: [also in a poor Australian accent] The Dundies! DeAngelo: THE DUNDIES! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Jim and Pam are walking outside] I just don't understand the desire to push sweet potato fries on me, and not just regular fries. Pam: Yeah... [they see Erin eating in her car, and ducking when they see her. Pam knocks on her car window] Hey, Erin, everything okay? Erin: Get away from the car, he's gonna see you. Jim: Who's gonna see us? Erin: [desperately] Just get in! Get in! Just get in! Jim: Get in the car? [Jim and Pam get in the back seat] Erin: Please! Sorry. Get in. [Jim and Pam are confused and worried] Sorry sorry sorry. Pam: What's wrong? Erin: I eat lunch in the car now. It's my alone time. It's just nice to have some time away from Gabe. Pam: Why don't you wanna eat lunch with your boyfriend? Erin: I, really don't like spending time with him. Pam: Don't you think it's better to tell him the truth now? You know, rather than waste more of his time? Jim: I think I'm gonna go. Pam: What? Jim: I think you got this. Kay? [Erin nods] Alright. Feel better! Erin: Thank you Jim. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I'm sorry, that just wasn't interesting to me. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: I can't just dump him Pam, I'm not like you, I can't be mean. Pam: Wait, when am I...? You just have to be clear and firm. You know, just tell him you don't love him. Just be honest with him. [Erin nods] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [standing by the Louie Volpies entrance greeting people and giving them menus] Kevin: [walks in] Hi! Dwight: Appalling. [Meredith walks in] Eye sore. [Jim and Pam come in] Surprisingly adequate! Okay everyone! The activities commence in four seconds! Erin: DeAngelo, Jo's on the phone for you. DeAngelo: Hello? "Jo": [Michael dressed as Jo Bennett, using a bad Southern accent] DeAngelo! We're in serious horse manure here! The Dundies are tonight! And we ain't got no host! DeAngelo: Oh no! "Jo": Luckily I have someone for you! DeAngelo: Billy Crystal? "Jo": Better. DeAngelo: Neil Patrick Harris? "Jo": He's in Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway. Now we need Michael Scott! The best darn Dundies host on both sides of the Mississippi! [everyone in the audience is laughing] DeAngelo: Ughhh, I gotta find Michael Scott! And then I gotta, [Russel Brand impression] Get Him to the Dundies! DeAngelo: [in the office near the accountants] Hey, can you help me find Michael Scott Angela? "Angela": [Michael is wearing a blond wig, talking in a high obnoxious voice] My boyfriend can, he's a state senator. Audience: [laughing] DeAngelo: Mmhmm. Angela: Oh wait, he can't help because that title has no meaning! Oscar: [laughing] Oscar: Try Jim DeAngelo, he'll be able to help. DeAngelo: Jim! Do you know where I can find Michael Scott? "Jim": [Michael is wearing a wig that is very close to Jim's actual hair, and he is wearing fake earrings, and speaking in a punk-ish deep voice] I totally don't know where Michael is, dude, hey you wanna listen to some records? Jim: [shaking head at the camera] DeAngelo: No one is listening to me! And I'm running out of time! "Phyllis": [Micheal dressed as Phyllis, pretending to knit] Well, what are you talking about? [cracking noise] Ohh! Ohh! [falls onto the ground] I've fallen and I can't get up! DeAngelo: Maybe I just need to look into my heart. [in the bathroom in front of the mirror] DeAngelo, where is Michael Scott. [his reflection in the mirror turns around to reveal that it is Michael] Michael: I'm here. [DeAngelo gasps and turns around] In a good way! I've been here the whole time. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: The analytical part of me wants to examine it, but I know it has no content. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand up for you co-host this evening, Michael Gary Scott. [Michael comes running up to stage as people applaud] Please remain standing for your other co-host, and new manager, DeAngelo Jeremitrius Vickers! [DeAngelo presents himself, and changes his mind and runs off] Was that part of the...? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in the bathroom] DeAngelo, what are you doing? There's a live audience out there! DeAngelo: Go do it by yourself, get Ryan. Michael: No, Ryan would never do it. It's too on the radar. Look, look. The boss, hosts, the Dundies! It's sort of our perk! DeAngelo: This was not, part of the job description! Michael: Listen to me, you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for you, you're not even doing this for them! DeAngelo: Who am I doing this for? Michael: [slaps him] You're doing this for all those kids out there, eating off the Louie Volpies kid's menu, wondering: Does it get better? What I want you to do, is I want you to say: It's showtime. Get out there. DeAngelo: I can't. [Michael slaps him again] Michael: Say it. DeAngelo: Stop, hitting me. Michael: You can do it, just say it. DeAngelo: Hit me again. [Michael slaps him once more] Michael: Now hit me. [DeAngelo slaps him] One, two, three. Together: It's showtime. Michael: Alright, here we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay! Okay! Sorry about the delay everybody! But we were at the DMV waiting in line. [everyone laughs] DeAngelo: Fall asleep right after s*x. Huh guys? Jim: Nope, go back to the script. Michael: There are a lot of great salesmen in this office, but one of our great salesmen is also a great dad. And a close personal friend of mine, Jim Halpert! Best Dad Dundie! [Dwight plays a celebratory honking noise on his keyboard] Jim: Wow! I do not parent for the award but I gotta tell you It feels pretty good. Uh, Cece, if you're watching this at home it's way past your bedtime, by the way how'd this get televised? Michael: Well done. Jim: I don't know maybe being a good dad is just all in your own compass. I don't know, I don't know. Thank you! Michael : Alright. [all applaud Jim] Pam: You didn't think to mention me huh? Jim: Didn't I? Michael: Which moves us to, Best Mom Dundie. [Pam gets ready and Jim smiles at her] I guess we all kinda consider her a mom around the office. Meredith Palmer! Meredith: [jogs up and makes out with Michael, who is unwilling] Tell ya one thing, I'm not gonna be a good mom tonight! Whooo! Dwight: Excuse me, can I get a photo of the Best Mom and the Best Dad please? Jim: I gotta go do this. Pam: [annoyed] Why? Dwight: Big smiles folks! There they are. Michael: Year after year, I catch a lot of flak on this particular award, because year after year I present this award to a guy instead of a girl. Hottest in the office goes to, [Ryan stands up] Danny Cordray! [Ryan quickly sits] Danny couldn't be here tonight... [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: How do I feel about not winning Hottest in the Office this year? Uhm, I'm very relieved. How do you, how do you judge something like that? What is the criteria even? It's, it's so subjective. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Stanley Hudson is a grump, everybody knows that. [Stanley looks angry] But did you know, that Stanley Hudson is also the face of a debilitating disease known as diabetes. The Diabetes Award goes to Stanley Hudson! [Stanley slowly walks over, angry] Come on up here you sick b*st*rd. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: I have diabetes too. You don't see me making a big deal about it. [SCENE_BREAK] DeAngelo: They say he's going to be my right hand man, adlib masturbation joke. [realizing he wasn't supposed to read that directly off the cue card, speaks quietly] No, I hate this, I hate it so much. [loud again] Dwight Schrute! Please accept this promising Assistant Manager Dundie. [people clap as Dwight takes the microphone, he is obviously unenthused] Thank you, thank you so much. I would like to thank something that we, uh, take for granted in our daily lives. And that is the humble trashcan. [Creed nods] This is for you trashcan! [walks off and throws the Dundie into the trashcan] Manager: [the manager of Louie Volpies approaches a giggling Kevin, who is coloring with crayons on the tablecloth] Who gave you those crayons? Kevin: I brought them from home! Do you have a red? Manager: This is a cloth tablecloth! You can't color on it! Kevin: Oh really? [camera shows that Kevin has drawn a house on the tablecloth. Michael: You know, herpes affects one in five sexually active adults? [manager looks up, angrily at Michael] Pippy Longstocking, Ronald McDonald's wife, Ron Howard, Ron Weasley, what do thay all have in common? Red heads. Erin Hannon, come on up here and receive your Cutest Red Head in the Office Award! [Erin looks thrilled and walks up to the stage] Meredith: That is bull! [throws her Dundie] Erin: Thank you, thank you! This is the first award I've ever won in my entire life. [Gabe and Andy smile at her] People are right about the Dundies, they are magical. But, I don't feel it. And I think that's because I'm not with the right person. Gabe, we should break up. Gabe: What? Erin: I'm not attracted to you. I just, I cringe when you talk. I have to be honest. Right, right Pam? [Pam looks very awkward] Thank you for hearing me. Gabe: [stands up and walks to stage, takes the microphone] Well, this is embarrassing, um, I'm obviously really angry at Erin. It's that quarter life crisis everyone's been talking about. [Jim is looking wide eyed, jaw dropped] Alright I'm gonna go. [Dwight plays cricket noises] Michael: [escorts Erin off stage] There you go. Darryl: Damn that was cold. Michael: It is difficult to recognize the person who will be replacing you. But he is a good guy, so the Michael Scott Award for Best Dundies Host goes to DeAngelo Vickers. [DeAngelo jogs up and takes the Dundie and tries to go back to his seat] Audience: Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! DeAngelo: Hold on, hold on one second. [puts on the headphones and turns the volume up all the way] I WANNA, I WANNA, I FEEL TRULY BLESSED! UHHH, TO BE WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU! BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED, FUNNY STORY, I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, VOMITTING, AND VOMITTING IN THE MEN'S ROOM! Manager: Okay, okay. [trying to stop him from offending other people in his restaurant] DeAngelo: THAT'S WHY IT'S BEEN SHUT DOWN FOR MOST OF THE EVENING... Michael: [stopping Manager] DeAngelo is expressing himself. [manager pulls the microphone cable, everyone can still here DeAngelo. DeAngelo: This is truly special, for me! And uh, anyway. It's so much lighter! Michael: Okay, we're done! That's it. DeAngelo: Michael, are we?! Michael: We're done. We're done! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Outside of the restaurant, obviously sad] So that is how it ends. My last Dundies ever. I was hoping it'd be more like Godfather Three. That rapped up the whole franchise in an extremely satisfying way. But instead it is like Godfather One! That was, very confusing, had maybe three big laughs. Oh well... Pam: Michael, we were thinking maybe we could keep this thing going! Michael: What? DeAngelo: I know I'm the cause of this royal screw up but I would like to see this show go on. Michael: No, no. You're being too hard on yourself. We had a very truncated rehearsal time. Pam: Let's grab some ice cream, go back to the office, and finish what we started. [others nod in agreement] Michael: So what you're saying is you kinda like it? [Phyllis impression] I've fallen and I can't get up! [normal again] That Phyllis bit, that was pretty good. Jim: I don't know that we need to dissect it all now, but- Michael: That got a big laugh. Jim: That did. Pretty huge laugh. Michael: [to Stanley, who is cracking up again] You were laughing right? Stanley: I was. [SCENE_BREAK] DeAngelo: [with Dwight and Michael outside Michael's car] You know what, I have to go to the bathroom. Michael: We're really close. DeAngelo: I can just run over to the gas station. Dwight: We should just wait here and not get good seats in the conference room? Michael: That's true, we wouldn't get seats together. DeAngelo: Okay, fine I'll hold it. Michael: [in the car] You know, despite a couple hiccups, I think that went very well. Dwight: I thought it was the worst Dundies I've ever been to. Michael: Man! Maybe you should have won the Kind of a Bitch Award. Dwight: Gladly! I'd accept that award, because a bitch, is a female dog! DeAngelo: [as Michael pulls over and stops the car] Please don't stop so suddenly, the seatbelt is pressing on my bladder. Why are you even wearing a seatbelt, you're sitting in the backseat, baby. Michael: What is your problem?! Dwight: I just don't see a point in the Dundies! Okay? The jokes are terrible, the venue is bad, the fashion is boring. Michael: Okay! That, that is unfair! The clothing was safe, but tasteful. Dwight: And next time, why don't you pick a co-host, that doesn't have microphone-a-phobia! DeAngelo: [very uncomfortable] Look, what ever you're going to do, how long is it going to take? Ballpark. 'Cause I just, I gotta make a decision here. [gets out and slams the door] Michael: He is in an all-out sprint. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in conference room] Here... [Andy walks in] Okay! By his own omission, this person actually tried marijuana in college, so the Doobie Doobie Pothead Stoner of the Year Award goes to, Andy Bernard! [Andy walks up] Andy: A lot of people I'd like to thank, but I think we all actually wanna thank you Michael. Michael: Oh, okay. [nods to him] Andy: I mean, we actually all really wanna thank you, for everything. Darryl: [starts playing the tune to Seasons of Love while Andy sits down] Michael: Oh my God, something's happening. Andy: [singing] Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math. All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here. Pam: In costumes! Jim: And impressions! Toby: In meetings. Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee. Kevin: For birthdays! Stanley: More meetings and- Women: E-Mail forms you made us read. All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times! Meredith: You hit me with your car! Ryan: You helped me get off drugs! Creed: I watch you when you sleep. Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me! All: Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Remember to, call. Call. Kelly and Erin: Call, text or e-mail, or call. DeAngelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love! All: Remember to call, remember to, call. Remember to call. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [choked up] Yeah, okay. [pauses, then takes a deep breath] Well this is gonna hurt like a mother[bleep]. [SCENE_BREAK] DeAngelo: [recall to Dundies at Louie Volpies] Every day, millions of Americans suffer from extreme repulsiveness. Someone in our midst, is bringing that problem to light. Toby Flenderson, please come up here and accept the Extreme Repulsiveness Award. Oh that's so mean! Michael: No it's not. Oscar: [Toby is shaking his head, no] It's his last Dundies. Jim: You gotta play along man. Oscar: Come on Toby. Michael: Here he comes! Alright! You deserve it! [Toby comes up and take the mic] Toby: I really disagree with this. I think it's kind of hateful. Though I am a little happy right now to have a platform to talk about the outcome of a case I was recently a juror on. The Scranton Strangler. That man's being put to death. I was part of the verdict, and I'm not so sure he's guilty any more. [Dwight plays a clip from the song Oh Yeah[/b]: Ohhhh yeah! Chica chicaaa]

Michael trains his office replacement, Deangelo ( Will Ferrell ), for hosting the Dundie Awards. Meanwhile, Erin deals with her dislike of her boyfriend, Gabe. Michael gets treated to a special song as a farewell present from the entire office.

fd_Frasier_03x09

fd_Frasier_03x09_0

ACT ONE Scene One - Cafe Nervosa. Frasier is seated at the table by the bookshelves. Niles enters. Frasier: Ah, Niles. Niles: Hello. Is it just me, or are the sidewalk Santas getting pushy? Frasier: Well, tomorrow is Christmas. I suppose they might be expecting a little downturn after that. Niles: [to waitress] Cappuccino, please. [to Frasier] So? When does Frederick arrive? Frasier: In six hours and twenty-one minutes. Not that I'm the least bit excited. Niles: Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First Christmas at daddy's. I imagine he has visions of sugarplums dancing through his head. Frasier: No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he's probably got visions of bran. Niles: Well, I've got my own reasons to celebrate. Maris and I may be together again, by the new year. Frasier: [supportively] Oh, really Niles? Niles: Yep, yeah. I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology. Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you? Niles: Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table. The waitress brings over Niles's coffee as Roz arrives. Frasier: Oh, hi Roz. Roz: Hey. [to waitress] Double espresso, please. This last-minute Christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give the men in my life. Frasier: Since when? Roz: Ha, ha. Funny man. Niles: [to waitress, handing over his credit card] Excuse me, I'll take care of this. Frasier: Oh, thank you Niles. Roz: What's new, Niles? Niles: I have been keeping it under wraps but, Maris and I have separated. Roz: [feigning shock, badly] Oh, my God! I had no idea. I can't believe no-one told me. This is such a surprise! Frasier: [can stand no more] That's enough, Talulah. You're not fooling anyone. The waitress comes over with Niles's card and a pair of scissors. Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this. She cuts the card in half. Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing? Waitress: [hands the pieces to Niles] The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory." Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card. Roz: Whoa, Merry Christmas! Waitress: Would you care to use a different one? Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name. [he gets his phone and dials a number] I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card. And my bank accounts. [realizes the phone is dead] And my phone service! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - KACL Frasier is taking a call. There is an office party going on outside the booth. Bob: [v.o.] Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane. Frasier: Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground. Bob: That-that's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc. Frasier: Why are you hesitant to go home? Bob: Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder." "What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?" Frasier: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day." Roz: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?" Frasier: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same gravy boat. But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home. Bob: Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I got a plane to catch. Frasier: Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these messages. Roz comes in from her booth. Frasier: Oh, Roz. What did they say, what did they say? Roz: Oh, relax. Frederick's flight is still on time, he'll be here in less than three hours. Oh, and the florist called, you can pick up your wreath on the way home. Frasier: Oh, fabulous. You know, every year Dad puts that kitschy creature with the lightbulb nose on the door. Bulldog enters, his arm in a sling. He's wearing an elf's hat with a sprig of mistletoe hanging from a spring over his head. Bulldog: Hey, great party. Best one ever, thanks to me. I hired a stripper! Doc, you will never guess what her name is - Candy Kane. Frasier: What are the odds? Gil enters, slightly tipsy, also wearing an elf's hat. Gil: For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven. Roz: [trying to get rid of Bulldog and Gil] OK, 30 seconds, Frasier. [to Gil and Bulldog] Out! Frasier: All right people, out, out, please. Bulldog: [indicating the mistletoe] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head? Roz: Almost any clever remark? [Gil bursts out laughing] Bulldog: What's she mean by that? He and Gil leave. Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm? Roz: You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you? Frasier: Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat. Roz: Right. Merry Christmas. [They kiss and hug] Frasier: Merry Christmas, Roz. Roz: Say "Hi" to Frederick. Frasier: Yes, and say "Hi" to your mom for me. Roz: Will do. She leaves. Frasier turns on the mike and takes a script out of his briefcase. Frasier: Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. He notices the employees in the hallway have formed a conga line. Frasier: So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd." He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth. Frasier: "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute." Bulldog and Gil come into Frasier's booth. They proceed to garnish him in tinsel and lights. He ignores them. Frasier: "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..." [hits cough button; to Bulldog] This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me! Bulldog plugs in the lights, making Frasier glow. They laugh. Frasier lets go of the button. Gil leaves the booth. Frasier: "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute." Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter. Frasier: "So one dark- [blows out Bulldog's lighter] -night, one dark- [blows it out again] -windy night..." Bulldog leaves the booth. Frasier: "The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits." Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a woman unrecognizable as such under a Santa costume and thick white beard. Frasier: "When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..." Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra. Frasier: YIKES! [starts ad-libbing] "He might have said that..." As he hastily tries to reach the end, Candy begins to dance nearer to him, taking off her glasses and whipping off the beard with a flourish. Frasier: "But instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..." Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear. Frasier: OH, MAMA! - "he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife..." Candy throws off her Santa hat and white wig, revealing a mane of blond hair, and starts kissing Frasier's cheeks and playing with the tinsel on his head. Frasier: "And somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday. He goes off the air. With magisterial dignity, he stands up and removes the tinsel and lights from his head. As he packs his briefcase, Gil and Bulldog look disappointed, while Candy sits sulkily on the edge of the console. Frasier: There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed. He goes to leave the booth, but suddenly stops and drops his briefcase. Frasier: Oh for God's sakes, what am I, a robot? He goes back to Candy and kisses her passionately, bowing her over the console. Gil and Bulldog laugh. Frasier: And to all a good night. [leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN Scene Three - Hallway Frasier emerges from the lift with his wreath to meet his father hanging Rudolph from the door. Frasier: Hi, Dad. Ah, [taking Rudolph down] I'm going to put this wreath up here. Martin: What's the matter with Rudolph? Frasier: Well Dad, you know, I just think that Christmas decorations should be understated and tasteful. Martin: Boy, I can't get one thing that I want. Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where it might lead. They enter the apartment. Reset to: Living Room Martin leads Frasier in. Frasier stops dead. It is full of the most garish decorations ever. Think of Hamley's toy store, at Christmas. Frasier is nearly in tears. Frasier: Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings." Martin: Oh, don't be such a Grinch. Frasier walks past a life-sized robotic Santa. Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Martin: It works when you step on the mat. [steps on it] Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Martin: It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays." Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony! Martin: Well, I don't care what you think, it's not for you, it's for Frederick. Frasier: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six. By the time I was seven I started to have questions. When I was eight I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins. Daphne comes out of the kitchen carrying a cake tin. Daphne: Well, I'm off to Joe's parents' house. Frasier: I see you've been busy in the kitchen. Daphne: Yes. I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag. Martin: Who gets to lick the bag? Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready. [She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat] You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas. [she leaves] Frasier: Merry Christmas. Martin: You know, someone's got to go back down to the storeroom, there's still something missing. Frasier: You must be kidding, Dad. My God, this place couldn't look any more ludicrous. Eddie comes in. He's wearing a Santa hat and bib. The doorbell chimes. Frasier goes to answer it. Martin: Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a beard, the rest of the idea just fell into place. Frasier open the door for Niles. Frasier: Niles. Niles: Hello, Frasier... He sees the apartment decor and gapes for a moment. Niles: I know, I know - "Shut up, we'll hurt his feelings." Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris? Niles: No, but! - I had an epiphany. I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!" Frasier just stares at him. Niles: She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants me back! What do you think? [walks past Santa] Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us. Niles has noticed Eddie's getup. Niles: Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing old lady things. Martin: It's for Frederick! Niles: [humouring him] Oh, of course it is. Oh, that reminds me, I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the airport to pick up Frederick? Frasier: Of course you may, Niles. [picks up a large box] Just have to wrap up his presents first. Martin: So what did you get Freddie? Frasier: [opening box] Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy catalogue, from the special section called "Gifts for the Gifted." I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology lab - oh, and a fabulous thing called the "Living Brain." You get to paint each lobe a different colour, then you stuff it inside the Living Skull. Martin: Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising it like crazy on TV. It's great. The Outlaw Laser Robo Geek. Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes. [Frasier glowers at him] Yeah. A little like that. Frasier: Listen Dad, I think I know what Frederick likes. He's precocious, he needs to be challenged. Martin: Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. One day out of the year, indulge him. Let him be a kid. Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... [He looks in the box] A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! [he grabs the delivery note] This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realise what this means?! Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your "Living Brain." Frasier: No. It means I don't have anything for Freddie. [gets his coat] God, I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's going to have a horrible Christmas. Martin: It's all right, listen, it's OK. There's a big toy store in the mall. They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about it. Frasier: Well, that's easy for you to say, Dad. He throws on his coat and scarf, and Niles follows him to the door. Frasier: My God, it's Christmas Eve, the gifts I ordered are three thousand miles away, my son is due in an hour, and on top of it all I have to go to a mall! Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! Niles: [as Frasier turns] Oh, don't look at me, he said it. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO A MALL AND THE NIGHT VISITORS Scene Four - A Toy Shop in the Mall Frasier and Niles enter. They can barely move through the crowd. Frasier: Niles, customers are marauding through here like a pack of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically knocked me over on her way to the escalator. Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me? Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles. That's what they do. Now listen, we've got five minutes. We've got to find a sales clerk. Niles: Oh well, good luck. Frasier: All right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess. They start to browse. Niles picks up a strange-looking red helmet with comedy goggles on it. Niles: Well hey, hey. This looks amusing. Frasier: Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something educational? Niles puts it on; the goggles cover his eyes. Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh, it has buttons. He starts playing with the controls. A red light on top of the helmet lights up and starts rotating. Niles: What's it doing? Frasier: It's flashing. Niles, please remember that Freddie tested in the highest percentile for cognitive skills and deductive reasoning. Niles presses more buttons. The helmet lets out a beeping noise. Niles: What's it doing now? Frasier: It's beeping, for God's sake! And as much as I'd like to inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational, all right? Niles presses another button, and a jet of water from the helmet soaks Frasier. Niles: [laughing] I wonder what else it does? Frasier: Let's see if it protects your head! He whacks Niles round the side of his head. As Niles gets up, something else catches his eye. Niles: Ooh, here's something. Look at this, look at this. Frasier: Oh, God. Niles: It's called "Ecto Goo." [he picks up some green slime] Frasier: Oh well, that sounds vaguely scientific, but what could he possibly learn from that? Niles: [who's having trouble controlling the goo] Well, for starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store. [finally manages to drop the stuff] Frasier: Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered from the catalogue and look for that. First, the "Living Brain." Kid: [who's been standing beside Frasier] Living Brain? What kind of dork wants that? Frasier: With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your prostate someday. Niles: Frasier, Frasier, Frasier. [points to top shelf] Look, look, look, there it is. It's up on the shelf, it's up on the shelf. Frasier: Oh, marvelous. [climbs up to get it] Niles: Oh, Lord. It's covered with dust. Frasier: The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor? [the box is empty] Oh, Lord. There's nothing in it. Woman: Can I have it? [takes the box] Frasier: It's an empty box, Ma'am. Woman: I know, but I can put my son's Robo Geek in it. You know how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something this nerdy? Frasier: [to Niles] Oh God, this is hopeless. We'll never find anything for Frederick. Niles: Oh, Frasier. Just give him a cheque. Frasier: But Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child. Niles: That's what I'm giving him. It has a stagecoach on it. Frasier: Niles, Maris cancelled your account. Niles: [realising] Damn! A man walks in carrying a bag with the logo "Young Minds." Frasier: Oh, look. Look at that man's bag. "Young Minds." [to man] Sir, excuse me, is this store [indicating bag] in the mall? Man: Yeah. Frasier: And it's educational toys? Man: Mmm-hmm, nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down. Frasier: Yes! Petunia, there is a Santa Claus. Man: No, they closed a half hour ago. Frasier: Damn. [going through the items in the bag] Look, this is perfect, look a chemistry lab, and a picture puzzle and... [to man] You know, my son comes in, in half an hour and I've absolutely nothing for him. Niles: [checking watch] He'll be in, in 22 minutes if he picks up a good tailwind. Man: You ahh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you? Frasier: Oh, you have no idea, it would save my life. Man: I'll tell you what. Seeing as how it's Christmas... Frasier: Oh, God bless you, sir. Man: A thousand bucks. Frasier: What?! A thousand bucks? Man: Hey, take it or leave it. Frasier: Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars worth of things here. Niles: "Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into Seattle airport." Man: I'm just trying to do you a favour here. Frasier: Well, it's some favour. Niles: "Please make sure your tables and seats are in their full and upright position." Frasier: Shut up, Niles! All right, all right, lets see what I've got here. [goes through pockets looking for money] All right, I've got, ahh... Here's three hundred dollars. Would you- would you accept a personal cheque for the rest? Man: Hey, it's Christmas. Frasier: Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well, thank you. Niles, give the man a cheque. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Five - Frasier's apartment. Martin is there. Frasier comes in from the bedrooms. Martin: Where's Freddie? Frasier: Putting on his pajamas. Told me he would come in and say goodnight after he brushes his teeth. Martin: So how'd you do? Frasier: [puting Frederick's presents under the tree] Well, I didn't get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right. I got him a microscope, a chemistry set, and a five thousand piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China. Martin: Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes. Niles enters carrying a large box. Niles: Dad, here you go, this is the last box from the storeroom. [puts box on coffee table] Martin: Great. Niles pulls out a truly weird item: a pair of fake legs encased in red pants and ending in black boots. Niles: Now, was this what you were looking for? Martin: Oh, yeah. Santa's legs for the chimney, you remember these babies? Frasier: Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed. While Martin sticks the legs into the chimney, Niles finds a small box in the bottom of the big one and opens it. Niles: Frasier, isn't this the smoking jacket you gave Dad a few years back? Martin: What? Hey... [feigning innocence] How did that get in there? Frasier: [looking through box] Dad, these are all of the gifts I've given you for the last six years. Martin: Hey, c'mon now, shut the- put 'em back. Close the box, will ya? Frasier: Dad, look at this. My God, they're still in the original boxes, never been worn. Martin: Sure they have. Frasier: Oh, yeah. [showing him a tie] This one still has the tags on it. Martin: Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having on Christmas eve. Frasier: No, Dad? Well, what was it you wanted to say? Pause. Martin: Well, you know Frasier, you're always giving people things you think they should like, instead of things that they really like. I mean, come on - [picks up the smoking jacket] In your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything like that? Frasier: Well, no. I thought you might like a change. Martin: Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat, glove, everything, for Christmas. But you had your mind set on a microscope, so that's what I got you. Niles: And then when Dad took us to a game, you spent the whole time looking for rodent hairs in your hot-dog. Martin: I'm just saying Christmas isn't the time you try to mold somebody, which is what you're trying to do with Frederick. Frasier: I think I know what's good for my own son. Frederick comes in. Frederick: I brushed my teeth, Daddy. Frasier: Oh, that's my boy. Come on. [he picks Frederick up] Frederick: Bonsoir, Uncle Niles. Niles: Et toi aussi. Martin: Hey, you'd better get to sleep, or Santa won't come. Frederick: OK. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, Dad. Martin: [aside] I bet you don't. Frederick: Yes I do too. It's an Outlaw Laser Robo Geek. Frasier: What makes you think that? Frederick: Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. They are sooo cool. Frasier: Ahh, listen ahh, Frederick, there's erm... [Frederick runs towards the bedroom] Frederick, where are you going? Frederick: I'm going to make myself fall asleep right away, so the next thing I know, it'll be morning. Goodnight, Daddy. Frasier: I'll come in and tuck you in, in a minute. Frederick: Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight, Uncle Niles. Martin: Goodnight. Niles: Goodnight, Frederick. I'm going to go home and go to bed too. Frederick: I hope Aunt Maris comes out of her coma. He goes to bed. Frasier and Martin look at Niles. Niles: He asked where she was, I thought the truth would just upset him. I'll see you in the morning. Merry Christmas. Martin: See you tomorrow. Niles leaves. Frasier: Well, this is turning out to be quite a Christmas. Martin: Oh, it's going to be fine. Frasier: Done it again. Gotten everyone the wrong gifts. What is it about me? [getting present from under tree] Well, here, you might as well open your gift now. No reason for everyone to be disappointed tomorrow. Martin: Hey, I'm sure I'm gonna love it. [he opens the gift] Frasier: I doubt it. Not exactly my night. Martin: Hey! A robe! Great, I love it! Frasier: No, you don't. It's not a robe, it's a dressing gown. Noel Coward would love it, but it's not you. Martin: [putting it on] Hey, I love Noel Coward! Frasier: Dad, you're overcompensating. Martin: Some people are hard to buy for, I'm sorry. But, you know, you are too, I never know what to get you. Here. [puts present in front of Frasier] You might as well open this now. Frasier: [opening present] Yeah. Guess it was easier when I was small. 'Cause kids always know what they want, don't they? Martin: Yeah, yeah. It's rough for adults. Frasier sees what's inside the box. Frasier: [almost crying] Oh, Dad... Martin: Merry Christmas, son. Frasier: How did you know? It's jut what I always wanted: My very own Outlaw Laser Robo Geek. They hug. Frasier: Oh, Dad - oh, oh, listen, are the batteries included? Martin: In the box. Frasier: Oh, Dad! [hugs him again] End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Martin tries to take Eddie for a walk, but Eddie refuses to move until the Santa get-up has been removed.

It is Christmas Eve and Frasier is excited as his son Frederick is coming to stay with him for the first time since his parents' divorce. Niles believes he and Maris may be reconciled soon, but then he discovers that she has cancelled his credit cards and his mobile phone service. Frasier discovers that a postal mix-up means that the educational toys he ordered for his son have not arrived. He and Niles attempt to replace them. Guest Caller(s): Ray Liotta as Bob This is the first appearance of Frederick in the series.

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[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Alex : If you talk, I can't pretend you're somebody else. Grubbs : If I start to become that guy that nobody likes... Miranda : You won't. I'm gonna make sure you stay exactly who you are... 'Cause that's a person worth protecting. Alexander : I know I slept with Alex. But I like you. A lot. Haley : Mom? Lydia : It's time for you to open a studio and a gallery. Haley : Are you okay, mom? Lydia : No. I'm not. I have cancer. I guess I did all right. Haley : You did everything, mom. Lauren : What the hell. Skills : Anybody home? Miss me? Brooke : The ex love of my life and current bane of my existence made it very clear to me that they did the wild thing last night! Brooke : Have you called last looks for hair and makeup yet? Julian : No. Why? Julian : Brooke, what the hell happened today? Brooke : I thought you fell for Alex. I'm sorry. Clay : Excuse me. Are you Katie Ryan? Katie : I met an agent. He'll either sign me or marry me. Either way, this just might be the first day of the rest of my life. Clay : I... I can't represent you. Girl : He decided to sign you? Katie : Not yet, but he will. It turns out... I'm his type. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Brooke : Good morning, boyfriend. Julian : What did I do to deserve this? Brooke : It's my big-shot director's last day. I thought it deserved something special. Julian : On time, on budget. Well, sort of, give or take a punched lead actress. But I think it's gonna be a good film. Brooke : Sorry about that. And for the record, it's gonna be a great movie. Great if I don't miss picking up today's wardrobe. I got to run. Do not go long on your last day, Cecil B. Debaker. I need my boyfriend on my arm tonight at Quinn's gallery opening. Julian : You're kind of liking calling me "boyfriend" again, aren't you? Brooke : Yeah. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Julian : Brooke... I'm glad we're back. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Quinn : Good morning. You okay? Clay : I see Sara sometimes. I mean, ever since she died, I, uh, I see her sometimes, and we talk. I... I'm not crazy, I promise. It's just lately, since you... Well, I haven't been seeing her so much. Quinn : Is that why no pictures? Clay : Pictures? Quinn : You don't have any pictures of her in your place, and I don't want it to be because of me. It's okay to love her, the memory of her. It won't diminish us. Clay : And you don't think I'm weird for seeing her? Quinn : All I know is if I could see my mom right now... I would stay up all night talking to her. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : Alexander, where are the changes for today's shooting? I'm late! Is it hot in here? It feels hot in here. Alexander / Victoria : No. No. Brooke : Mother. Another button, please. The slutty-milf look is so not you. I have to run. I'll see you guys tonight. Alexander : See ya. Oh, this is... she's gonna catch us. She's definitely going to catch us. This is gonna end badly. We... we got to tell her. Victoria : Don't you worry about a thing. Besides, it's more exciting this way. Now come here. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Mouth : We have to tell him. Lauren : Tell him what? That we kissed? I mean, I'm not even sure what this is. Mouth : Well, it's something. And now with Skills back, it's getting uncomfortable. We need to be honest with him. We owe him that. Lauren : I know. Skills is a great guy, but this is complicated. It is so messed up. I should talk to him. Mouth : No. I need to. He's my best friend. ON THE SET Brooke : Hey. Josh : Someone is so freakin' fired! Man : I can assure you that we looked everywhere, Mr. Avery. Josh : Well, look again! And where is that loser P.A.? He probably took it. Julian : Hey, what's going on? Man : Mr. Avery's laptop computer has gone missing from his trailer. I'm positive that P.A. Brian did not steal your computer. Josh : Okay. Thank you. That's so reassuring. Look, you stick to doing your job, okay? Just checking for hairs in the gate and keeping my trailer stocked with red vines and lube! Julian : Hey, Christian Bale, calm down, okay? Look, I'm sorry this happened, but it's just a computer, okay? The production will replace it. Let's just focus on the work, okay? Josh : I don't give a crap about the computer. It's what's on it. Brooke : Here's your wardrobe. It's gonna be a great last day. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : I'm bored. Nathan : You can't be bored. You're 7. Do you have any idea how fun being 7 is? Besides, I got a cure for that. Jamie : What? Nathan : Guess who's babysitting you tonight? Jamie : Oh please don't say Junk and Fergie. Nathan : No. Me. All right? We're having a guys' night, and it's gonna be a blast. Jamie : Aw, sweet! Wait. What about mom? Nathan : Mom is going to Aunt Quinn's art gallery opening, so she's putting on her pretty face right now. Well, her prettier face. IN THE BATHROOM Haley : Okay. One, two... three. AT TRIC Miranda : What are you doing? Why did you stop? Grubbs : It sounds thin. I think we should... take another pass at the vocals, maybe double the chorus. What do you think? Miranda : I think it's great. Let's keep moving. Grubbs : I really think it needs the work. Miranda : The insecure artist thing is cute, but seriously, it's great. Grubbs : I mean, whatever happened to you protecting me as an artist? Miranda : You remember that guy you became the last time you recorded, the one you didn't like? Grubbs : I think he's back. It's great. Push play. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : Hey. Haley : Hey. Woo. Talk about a work of art. You look great. Quinn : Thanks. Haley : So, you excited for tonight? How do you feel? Quinn : You know, if there's a feeling of being half totally excited and half completely ready to panic, then that's how I feel. Haley : Oh, don't worry. It's gonna be good. You're kind of great at the picture-taking thing, you know. Quinn : Thanks. Well, I'm glad you think so. I wanted to give this to you. Haley : Oh. What is this? Quinn : My way of saying thank you for being there for me this year. I couldn't have made it through without my little sis. Haley : I love it. I really do. Quinn : I just want tonight to go well, you know? For mom. Haley : Yeah. For mom. AT MOUTH'S APPARTMENT Skills : Yeah, well, I didn't see it coming, either. I know, but... I just think it's the best move for both of us. I look forward to hearing back. Okay. Bye. Whoo. Keep your fingers crossed, bro. Mouth : Why? Skills : I just pitched to the company to let me be the east-coast rep. If all goes well, I'm home for good. Mouth : And if they don't, are you back to L.A.? Skills : No. Mouth : Why not? I thought you liked it out there? Skills : I mean, ain't nothin' wrong with Cali. It ain't no place to meet somebody. But it did give me some time to think, and what I came up with was I missed what I had here with Lauren. Mouth : Lauren? Skills : Yep. I'm gonna get her back. Mouth : Have you talked to her about it? Skills : Uh, no. But I'm going to. Mouth : What if they don't give you the job out here? Skills : Then I just quit. Mouth : You'd really leave your job in L.A.? Skills : I would. If I recall, somebody quit their job in Omaha for love, right? Look, Mouth, I had a whole lot of time to think about this, bro. I'm just gonna talk to her tonight. Hey, man. Mouth : Yeah? Skills : Ain't you gonna wish me luck? Mouth : Yeah. Of course. Good luck. AT THE GALERY Clay : You ready? Quinn : Yeah. Clay : All right. One... two... Quinn : It's perfect. Just perfect. Clay : It's gonna be a perfect night. Quinn : Can you believe this crowd? I just hope they like my work. Clay : Relax. They love it. And besides, you... oh. You didn't. Quinn : Do you love it? Clay : I... don't know. It's kind of weird, you know, seeing everyone looking up at a giant version of me. Quinn : Come on. I want to show you something. Clay : What's this? Quinn : So, everyone attending tonight takes their own portrait, and then the camera feeds it to the flat screens in the gallery, so the people tonight are the live art. Clay : That's genius. Quinn : Well, then you're the genius, because I got the idea from you. The slide show that you made for my mom. I love you for that. Lauren : That's a powerful photograph. Mouth : She has a knack for capturing a dramatic moment. Lauren : So... have you talked to him? Mouth : Yeah. I mean, no. Look, I need to talk to you about that because... Skills : Hey. Well, if it isn't my favorite two people. Hey, mouth, you mind if I steal my girl away for one second? IN THE BATHROOM Nathan : Okay, now, I like to start at the bottom and do the neck first. So just real slow. And then when you're done with your neck, you're just gonna start at your sideburns and work your way down to your chin. Jamie : Seems like a lot of work. I'm gonna have to do this every day? Nathan : If you want to attract girls. Jamie : Is this how you got mom? Nathan : It took a lot more than a close shave to get your mom to fall for me. Jamie : Really? Why? Nathan : Well, when I met your mom, I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world. It's true. I was a bit selfish, and I fought a lot. Jamie : But you're not like that now. Nathan : Being with your mom made me a better person. You know, now that I think of it, your mom and your uncle Lucas did. Jamie : It must have been fun having a brother growing up. It's like having a best friend over all the time. Nathan : Yeah. But remember, Uncle Lucas and I weren't really that close when we were your age. The important part is we became more like real brothers once we got a little bit older. But you're right. Having a brother is a lot like having a best friend. It helped make me the man I am today. Jamie : And I love that guy. Nathan : I love you, too, buddy. Jamie : So when do I start shaving, dad? Next year? Nathan : Well, if your face is like mine, probably when you're about 22. AT THE GALERY Quinn : You like? Haley : I love it. Quinn : We spent a whole week in that village, and those girls followed me everywhere. They were inseparable. Haley : I think you just made your first sale. Quinn : Yeah? Haley : Yeah. Brooke : I hope she at least gets a family discount. Quinn : The whole Hollywood glam squad. I'm honored you guys came. Brooke : Seriously, Quinn, this is amazing. Haley : Wait. Are you two, uh... Brooke : Back together? Yes. Haley : Oh. Told you. Josh : So, you got any nudes in this collection or... ? Alex : Whoa. Pay no attention to Mr. Inappropriate. Come on, Josh. There must be a bar around here somewhere. Haley : Julian, please tell me this movie's gonna be over soon. Julian : Today was, in fact, the last day. Brooke : We're officially wrapped! Quinn : Well done. That is so major. Julian : Well, thank you. Speaking of major, look at you go. Congratulations. Quinn : Thank you. OUTSIDE Skills : You've been kind of distant since I got home. Look, I owe you an apology. Lauren : Why? What for? Skills : I came home for you because I love you. I can't be apart from you, and I should have never left. Lauren : Antwon... Skills : Please tell me you feel the same way. Lauren : It's just, things are different. I mean, maybe if we'd never split up. Skills : Yeah, but you said you wouldn't come to L.A., so I fixed it. I'm home now. Why can't it just be like it was? Lauren : Because it's not like it was. Skills : Is there someone else? Lauren : I don't know. Maybe. I'm sorry, Antwon. AT THE GALERY Josh : Oh, baby, that's... Alex : I said no talking. Julian : So our lead actors are sleeping together. Here's my surprised face. Where did you even get this? Paul : It was e-mailed to me this morning. Julian : By who? Paul : By someone smart enough to know that you'll do just about anything to protect Alex from this getting out there. Julian, we're being blackmailed. Alex : Julian, what's the matter? Julian : This. Josh : Oh, baby, that's... Alex : I said no talking. Alex : I... I didn't do it. Julian : Oh, that's funny. That sure looks like you screwing him to me. Alex : No. I mean, okay, I did sleep with him. I just... I didn't make that tape. Did you get it from Josh? Julian : No. I got it from someone who's trying to blackmail my father for a ton of money. Alex, why don't you just shoot me in the head? It would save us all so much time. That's not fair. No. What's not fair is that I keep trying to find the best version of you, and you just keep showing me the worst version. Mouth : So what did you say? Lauren : I told him I didn't want to go back to the way it was. He was really upset. It was bad. I feel terrible. Mouth : I know I should just take the high road here and let you find your way back to him, but... I really like you, Lauren. Lauren : It's also my decision. And I have feelings for you, too. Do you think Antwon's gonna be okay? Chase : Skills. My man. How you been, buddy? Skills : Thirsty. Four shots. Chase : Four shots. Coming up. AT TRIC Miranda : Well, I mean, there must be something that can be done. How about an extension? Grubbs : Check one, two. Annoying, impatient artist ready to lay down a track. Miranda : So you're telling me there is nothing I can do? Well, that's just great. Grubbs : You know, it only took the Beatles a month to record "Abbey Road." Sorry. You... you okay? Miranda : The record sounds great, Michael. Grubbs : But it looks like I'm not gonna be around to finish it. I'm going back to England. Miranda : Oh, that's funny. Because when you said that we were gonna be working together, Grubbs : I sort of imagined that you'd at least be in the same hemisphere. Miranda : You know what? I'm serious. Believe me, I have tried moving heaven and earth to stay here, but there's a problem with my visa. I'm being deported. Grubbs : And where does that leave us? Miranda : We're scuppered. I'm afraid there's not gonna be an "us." AT THE GALERY Brooke : I cannot believe she's giving him the time of day after he stood her up. And besides, it's gross. Alexander : What's gross? Brooke : The thought of my mother having s*x. Blech! Alexander : Yeah, well, I don't think it's gross. I mean, she's an attractive older woman, Brooke. Brooke : Oh, okay. Stop. I cannot talk about my mother and s*x with you. It's nice that you're being so sweet about her, but you need to stick to what you know, which is designing super-hot clothes and sleeping with skanky actresses. Alexander : Thanks. AT THE GALERY Josh : Hey, check this out. I kind of like it. Alex : You filmed us having s*x? Josh : You found my computer? Alex : No. But someone did. And now Julian and his father are being blackmailed for $1 million thanks to you! Josh : What? Alex : How could you? It's my career. It's Julian's career, and Paul's, and all the people that worked so hard on this film. They put everything they had into this project, and now you've just jeopardized everything. Josh : This is not my fault, okay? My computer was stolen. Alex : Not your fault? Okay. But here's what I don't get... why would you make a tape of yourself having s*x when you suck at it?! Josh : At least try to be professional about this. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie and Nathan have fun with Guitar Heroes! AT THE GALERY Julian : This guy? He's laughing at me. Brooke : Why do you say that? Julian : Oh, you ready? Remember all that stuff that was on Josh's computer that he was freaking out about this morning? Wait for it. He and Alex made a s*x tape, and now we're being blackmailed to keep it under wraps. Brooke : Oh-ho, no. Julian : Go ahead. You can laugh at me now, too. You warned me about Alex. You told me I shouldn't work with her. Maybe you were right. Maybe I should just let her fail. Hey, the... the tape might even bring the movie some free publicity. Brooke : Hey, whoever said "there's no such thing as bad publicity" was never on a s*x tape. Trust me. You have to help her. Look, I know you're disappointed in her right now, but I bet she didn't do this on purpose. And I bet that deep down in your heart, you want to help her. So do it. Julian : You really mean that? Brooke : This is not a test, Julian. Yes. I think you should help Alex. Julian : So he's not laughing at me, then? Brooke : Well, maybe a little. Clay : Chase Adams back behind the bar. Chase : Well, it's only beer, wine, and shots, so I can't do that much damage. Clay : I'll take a beer. Quinn : So, I'm a little jealous now that you'll be spending your days and nights hanging out with some other girl. Clay : What? Quinn : Somebody bought your portrait. She's, um... oh, she's right there. Quinn : I am so excited you like his portrait. Katie : I just love it! And now meeting the subject, well, that makes it all the more special. I'm Katie. Clay : Clay. Katie : I don't want to take up all your time on your special night, and I want to see the rest of your work, so please excuse me. Quinn : I like her. And she seems to like your portrait. I guess I'll just have to get used to letting you be with her. Tonight seems to be going well, huh? Clay : Yeah. Can you, uh, just excuse me for one second? Quinn : Sure. AT TRIC Miranda : I'm sorry. Grubbs : So there's nothing we can do? Miranda : Nope. I have to leave. And sooner than later. Grubbs : Well, I guess it's back to my day job. Miranda : We'll find someone to finish the record with you. I promise. Grubbs : I don't want anyone else. And that's both guys talking the musician and the guy who just needs you. AT THE GALERY Clay : What are you doing? Katie : Oh, I thought I looked hotter as a blonde. What do you think? Clay : I told you I couldn't represent you, and now you show up here uninvited, texting me inappropriately about my girlfriend? I mean, who do you think you are? Katie : Clay... I can be whoever you want me to be. Clay : You need to leave. Now. Katie : I'm sorry. I felt a connection between the two of us. I guess... I guess I was wrong. Julian : Don't. Don't. You're not gonna find any answers in there. Alex : You don't have to do this. Julian : Do what? Alex : Always try to save me. It seems no matter what I do, I mess things up for you. Trust me, I never meant to hurt you or your father or the movie that we just made. But now that the film's over, I'll just get out of your way. Do what you want to do with the tape. I'll understand. Julian : Alex, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna get through it. And you're not going anywhere. We're gonna get through this together. I'm gonna do everything I can to help you. I promise. Alex : Really? Julian : Really. Alex : Thank you, Julian. Julian : Don't thank me. Thank Brooke. IN JAMIE'S ROOM Nathan : "He turned away to give them time to pull themselves together; and waited, allowing his eyes to rest on the trim cruiser in the distance." Jamie : So the boys were saved? Nathan : In the end, yeah. Jamie : I like it when you read to me. Nathan : So do I. Jamie : It was sad when Piggy died. Nathan : I know, man. I like Piggy, too. Jamie : It's good that the boys had each other on the island. It must have been pretty lonely and scary all alone. Nathan : Do you ever get lonely? Jamie : Yeah, sometimes. Nathan : So do you think you'll be okay when I go off to training camp this season? Jamie : Yeah, I guess. I like it better when you're home, though. Nathan : Can I ask you a favor? Jamie : Sure. What? Nathan : Well, even though she doesn't show it all the time, deep down inside, your mom is still very sad that your grandma died. Jamie : Yeah. Nathan : So when I'm away, I need you to just watch out for her, make sure she doesn't get too sad. Jamie : Yeah. Nathan : I need you to be the man of the house when I'm gone. Can you do that for me? Jamie : Yeah. Nathan : Okay. I knew I could count on you. Jamie : Mom's gonna be okay, right? Nathan : Yeah, she's gonna be fine. And besides, now we'll both be taking care of her. All right? AT THE GALERY Haley : Hands off, girlie. That one's mine. Brooke : How you holding up? Haley : I'm good. Brooke : I know it must be hard. Your mom played a big part in this night. Haley : Yeah, it is, but, you know, I think Jamie really helps. It's kind of life's little plan, you know? You have kids so you have something to hold onto when you lose your parents. What's wrong? Brooke : I can't have kids. Haley : What? Have you seen a specialist or... ? Brooke : Yeah, no, I did everything, and... kids aren't in the cards for me. Haley : You cannot give up, Brooke. You never know. Julian : So, what are our options? Paul : It's a tough call. If we do nothing, it could hurt the film, but $1 million is a lot of money. Josh : If it helps, I'm willing to take one for the team. You can release the tape. Julian / Paul : Shut up. Julian : And if the tape does get out? Paul : We just finished making a charming independent movie. For it to work, we need to take it to a major film festival. We need people focusing on your great film, Julian, not a s*x tape. This whole thing could really hurt our chances. Josh : I have a really good friend who works at Sundance. I could... Julian / Paul : Shut up. Paul : Whoever's blackmailing us, they're right about one thing... we have everything on the line. Julian : Well, they're also right about something else. I want to protect Alex. She's fragile. And if this tape gets out... It could destroy her. Paul : Well, now it looks like we have $3 million invested in this film. Alexander : Look, we got to tell Brooke, all right? She's got no idea, and I don't think us being together is gonna strike her as a good surprise. Victoria : Now is not a good time. We're on the verge of releasing a very important line, and I need her thinking about business and not us. Alexander : Hey... You're ashamed of us, aren't you? Victoria : Please. Alexander : You are. Victoria : Please! I am not. Look, I told Brooke I was taking a lover. Where's the shame in it being a young, hot guy who's 25 years younger than me who has abs that I can bounce quarters off of, Hmm? You just need to relax. You need to relax. Nobody's ashamed of anybody, okay? Skills : And then she said there was someone else. Chase : Dude, that sucks. Skills : Yeah, but I just don't know who that someone else could... It's you, isn't it? Lauren's "someone else." Mouth : Skills, I was gonna talk to you... Skills : So it's true? Mouth : Yes, but... Skills : Thanks for sleeping with my girlfriend, buddy. Victoria : That's just scandalous. Just simply... scandalous. AT TRIC Gruggs : Your face says "a shot and a beer back," but I think this is what you need. Someone get their heart broken tonight? Skills : Yeah. It was my fault, though. I mean, looking back, I had my chance. I just didn't take it when I should have. Now it's too late, and I'll never get her back. Gruggs : I don't know. Never is a pretty long time. Skills : I should have just told her how I felt. AT THE GALERY Haley : Well, all things considered, I thought that went pretty well. Quinn : Um, are you kidding? A fist fight, public s*x, and, um, a check for you? It rocked! Haley : Whoa. What is this for? I can't take this. Quinn : Consider it back rent. And thanks, Hales. Thanks for being there for me. Haley : That is what sisters are for. Quinn : Mom would have loved a night like tonight. Haley : Sometimes I flash on the fact that we're never gonna see her again, and, uh... I can't breathe. I just can't believe she's gone. Quinn : I know. We all miss her. Just know, Haley, she was so proud of you. Haley : Yeah AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Brooke : I hope you're proud of yourself, mother. I can't believe that even you would stoop this low to sexually harass an employee to get back at Paul for standing you up on a date? Alexander : Brooke... I am the date. We've been seeing each other. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Oh woah. Huh. How was your night? Nathan : The best ever. Haley : I don't know where you get it, but you're a great parent. Nathan : I get it from you. You know what I was thinking tonight? Haley : What? Nathan : I want us to have another baby. Hales? Haley : I actually took a pregnancy test this morning. And it... it was negative. Nathan : Okay. Hey, it's fine. We'll... we'll try again. You're okay, right? Haley : I'm fine. I'm fine. AT TRIC Grubbs : So you're leaving? Miranda : I told you, I don't have a choice. Grubbs : Marry me. Miranda : What did you just say? Grubbs : I said, "marry me." Miranda : You've got to be joking. Grubbs : No. I'm serious. You made me a promise, and I'm holding you to it. Marrying me fixes everything. All you have to do is say "yes." AT THE HOTEL ROOM Alex : What do you want? Josh : I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I never should have made that tape, but you got to know that I never meant for any of that other stuff to happen. If there was any way that I could take it back, I would. I just... hoped you could find it in your heart to forgive me. Alex : The movie's wrapped, Josh. And so are we. Goodbye. Josh : Dude, we just said we were getting the tape out there. The plan was never to blackmail these people for money. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Clay : My girl rocked it tonight. Quinn : Thank you. Clay : So, it was some night, huh? Quinn : You sure you had a good time? You seemed like something was bothering you. Clay : Quinn, there's something I need to tell you. Remember the tennis player that wouldn't take no for an answer? Quinn : Yeah. Clay : Well, she is the girl who bought my portrait tonight. Quinn : That Katie girl? I... I don't understand. Wait, you know her? Why do you have a photo with her? Clay : Because it's not her. It's Sara. AT BROOKE'S HOUSE Julian : You showed me something pretty special tonight. Brooke : I'm trying to forget what we were shown tonight, if you don't mind. Julian : Alex. Who would have thought that you, of all people, would rescue her? Brooke : I didn't do anything. You're the one bailing her out. Julian : Thanks to you. Brooke : What? Julian : You remember what you said to me our first night here? Brooke : "What if we ruin it?" Julian : Every night I spent away from you, I dreamed about being back here... in this room, in this bed, with you. I dreamed about us, Brooke. And now we're here. We're back. And you look even more beautiful than in my dreams... I love you. I never stopped loving you... not for one night, not for one moment. And I never will. Nothing can ruin us, Brooke Davis.

On the eve of Quinn's big gallery opening, an uninvited guest ambushes Clay. Nathan spends the day with Jamie, while Haley struggles with life after her mother's death. Brooke and Julian each receive a shocking surprise. Meanwhile, Skills learns the truth about Lauren and Mouth. This episode is named after a song by Rod Stewart .

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(SGH) (The floor of SGH where there is a thick red line) MVO: In surgery there is a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line unauthorized is not tolerated. (SGH Entrance) (There is a large group of nurses protesting having formed a picket line in front of the hospital. They are chanting 'Fair hours, fair wages!' They're also holding various signs protesting. George and Izzie stand at the end of the picket line looking at it all) George: Can't. Can't, can't cross the picket line. I can't. Izzie: I don't like it either, George, but what choice to we have? Ok you took an oath to heal. You're a healer. George: Dad's a truck driver. Mom's a teacher. The evening news shows me crossing the picket line ... they'll outlive me just to pee on my grave. (Izzie gives George a weird look) MVO: In general, lines are there for a reason. (Cristina walks up to them) Cristina: Has there been any blood yet? Heard they brought in scab nurses. MVO: For safety. For security. For clarity. Izzie: I think the nurses know that we are on their side. Nurses: Don't cross the line! Izzie: Don't they? Cristina: Well we're doctors. We have sick patients inside. We have surgeries. Izzie: Ok. ... Then you go first. Cristina: Screw it. (She heads through the line and has food thrown at her which she attempts to fend off) Cristina: Yeah doing my job! Doing my job! Ha-ha! (She makes it into the hospital) Izzie (to George): They threw food at her! (George nods) Izzie: That is just wrong! Fine I'm going in! (She goes in and also has food thrown at her. She uses her bag to fend the fruit off. In the mass of nurses she walks past Olivia who screams at her) Olivia: Change your own bed pan Stevens! Izzie: Yeah, enjoy your syphilis Olivia. (She makes it to the front doors and squeals as one last one is thrown at her) Izzie (yells out): George, are you coming? George: No, I'm good here. (He just stands at the end of the picket line watching) MVO: If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. (Meredith is entering the Nursing Home where Ellis is. She walks up to the nurse on duty) Meredith: Good morning. Nurse: Morning, Meredith. Meredith: How is she today? Nurse: She's great. She really lights up when Dr. Webber visits. (The nurse turns to look into the living room and Meredith follows her gaze. There she sees Richard and Ellis having a good old laugh in the living room. Meredith appears shocked and confused at the closeness the two appear to have. Especially with all the not so subtle touches on each other's arm) Ellis (laughs): And I did not back down. Not in my OR. Not in front of those jock ortho idiots. Richard (chuckles): Yeah that was the last time Windsor called you little lady. Not even behind your back. Ellis: One day I'm gonna be the Chief of Surgery. First woman Chief! You watch! Richard: I don't doubt it Ellis. (Ellis laughs kinda evilly) MVO: So why is it ... Richard (takes one of Ellis' hands in his): Don't doubt it for a minute. MVO: ... the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? (Meredith seems weirded out and leaves the way she came) (Outside of SGH picket line where the nurses are still chanting and George is still standing in his stand still position) (SGH) (Patricia is walking down the hall with one of the temp nurses up to a nurses' station. The place looks a little bit like a disaster area) Patricia: And I can't say this enough charts are organized by room number. I know your temp nurses but there's no excuse for sloppiness. (The nurse nods and walks into an adjoining room. Patricia walks up to the nurses station where are Derek and Burke standing going over their own charts, complaining about the whole situation and how they can't do their job properly) Patricia (interrupts their babble): You know why I stopped being a nurse? Doctors. Doctors who don't know how to pitch in. (She walks off) Burke: Right. (Richard walks by and the two pounce on him) Derek: This place is going to hell. Burke: We need to find a way to compromise. (Burke walks off) Derek: We need the real nurses back. Richard: We need an additional 40 nurses to relieve the overtime that they're striking about. That's 2 million dollars a year we don't have. Derek: Have you checked under the couch? I always find spare change under the cushions. (Richard gives him a sour look) Ok, I'm silencing myself. (Richard and Derek part ways) (Cristina, Alex and Izzie are waiting for their new resident. Cristina sees a doctor walk by) Cristina: Yes, yes that's him. He's been published twice and he's flawless. Izzie: Oh, I don't want that guy. That guy's a freak. He doesn't let you speak in the OR. Cristina: Yeah, but he's flawless. (Another doctor walks by) Alex: I think it's him. What's his name again? Cristina: Oh yeah, mouth breather guy. But he'll let you do a procedure on your own if he likes you. (Meredith walks up to them) Meredith: What are we doing? Alex: Trying to figure out who they're going to pick for Bailey's replacement. (A loud booming voice sounds from the stairs) Sydney: Yang, Stevens, Grey, O'Malley, Karev! (A young, cheerful female doctor named Sydney Heron bounds down the stairs and makes her way up to them) Sydney: Here you are! I was looking for you guys in the locker room but you weren't there and then I thought well maybe my interns are looking for me too and then I come out her and here you are. (She chuckles) Yeah. (Cristina looks horrified) You guys look like a great group. (Meredith looks like she wants to laugh) Which is awesome. Because my horoscope said it's going to be a very challenging day and I was a little worried but no you guys ... yeah, you look like a good group. Which is great! Because we're going to have so much fun! Hi! (She holds out her arms and hugs Cristina) Sydney: Hi, First of all hi! Hi. (Cristina remains stiff and uncomfortable) Cristina: Ow, ow, ow. (Sydney backs up) Sydney: Ooh, am I hurting you? Cristina: Ah, no you're, you're touching me. Sydney (has an Oh look on her face but loses it quickly): I'm Sydney Heron. 4th Year and my philosophy just so you know is um is heal with love. (Alex and Izzie raise their eyebrows) Ok, so wonderful. So, Alex, Izzie, Meredith, Cristina and our little group is just missing- Cristina (interrupts): O'Malley. Yeah he's cowering behind the strike line like a little girl. Sydney: Standing up for what he believes in, that's my kind of little girl. Right? So ... The E.R needs somebody down there for a consult, does anybody ... who wants to ... Meredith: We get to pick? Cristina: Oh me, I'll, I'm on it. Alex: I'll help. (They both dash off quickly) Meredith: I have patients I need to check on. (She dashes away fast as well leaving Izzie by herself) Sydney: So it looks like it's just you and me, Izzie McGee. Izzie (force chuckles): Right, right, it's ah, It's ah Stevens. It's Izzie Stevens. Sydney: Oh, no I knew. I was just rhyming. Izzie: Oh, rhyming right, yeah. That's, that's neat. (Addison comes up to Izzie) Addison: Hey Dr. Stevens. Izzie (answers eagerly): Yeah. Addison: Could use you on a consult? Izzie: Ok. I'm on it. Absolutely. (She drops what she's doing and grabs Addison's file. They leave) Sydney: Yeah. (The pit where Alex and Cristina are walking with an ER resident) Alex: You need a consult for a rash? Resident: It's spreading pretty fast. I wanted to make sure nothing surgical going on. (Cristina moves back the curtain concealing a bed) Cristina: Mrs. Solomon, oh! (A young couple, Claire and Wade Solomon are making out pretty heavy on the bed. Alex looks amused. They stop when they realize the doctors are there) Claire: Oh god. Sorry. Sorry. Wade: We're on our honeymoon. Claire: Yeah. Alex (nods approvingly): Sweet. Cristina (shoots Alex a disapproving look): Ah, can you um ... dismount? Please. Claire: Yeah. Cristina: Ok, great. (Wade starts moving off the bed) (Meredith is walking down the hall when she hears a person crying out) Grace: Len! (Meredith walks up to the door where she's an elderly woman named Grace Bickham lying on a hospital bed looking like she's in pain) Grace: Lenny is that you? (Meredith looks around for any doctors but she can't see anyone) Grace: Lenny! (She has trouble breathing and Meredith rushes in) Meredith: Are you ok ma'am? (She looks down at her name on the bed) Grace Bickham. Mrs. Bickham do you know who your doctor is? Grace: Len, Lenny ... Meredith: I don't see your chart here. Grace: Are you there? Meredith: I'm gonna need you to calm down for me, ok? Grace: Lenny? Meredith: Is that your husband? Grace: Oh, where is he? He was here. Meredith: I'm sure he'll be back any moment. You're having some trouble breathing. I'm going to need to run some tests. (Grace just moans) Nurse! I need a nurse in here! (Picket Line) (George is still standing outside, shaking his head and refusing to go in. The nurses are still chanting 'Fair hours, fair wages'. Nurse Olivia walks up to him holding her own sign looking resigned) Olivia: You can go, George. We won't throw donuts. George: Oh I can take the donuts. Olivia: Then what are you still doing here? George: Teachers strike of '03 mom walked the line for 48 days. I can't ... just, I can't cross. Olivia: So go home. George: I can't go home! You just don't go home. Yeah and get kicked out of the program. Lose my place as a resident. I'm a doctor, no way. Don't... Don't...I'm a union guy. (Olivia smiles broadly) Olivia: So that means ... George: Give me that sign. (George takes the sign from her and walks down the picket line. The sign reads 'Proud to be a Nurse'. The nurses applaud him) Olivia: Alright, Dr. O'Malley! (Grace's room) (Grace is having more trouble breathing than before) Meredith: Help! I need a nurse in here please! (A temp nurse named Angela comes in) Meredith: Her pressure's falling. She's stopped breathing. Angela: Whoa. Is she dying? Meredith: Are you a nurse? Angela: Um, I'm like a nursing student. Meredith: I need to intubate. Get me a 7 and a half tube. They're out in the hall. (Angela rushes out as Meredith prepares to intubate Grace. Angela comes back in quickly with a tray of stuff) Meredith: Not that one. The one that says seven five. (She hands Meredith the tube and she intubates. Angela holds a breathing bag and pumps it. Meredith checks Grace's heartbeat) Meredith: I'm in. Angela (smiles): Awesome. (Meredith gives Angela a look and she immediately stops smiling) (Exam room where Addison and Izzie are performing an ultra sound on a young black girl named Cheyenne Wood who is pregnant. Cheyenne's mother sits next to her) Cheyenne: Is that too much? Addison: It's a lot of extra amniotic fluid Cheyenne but your baby looks strong. Ms. Wood: Does that mean we can go? I mean appreciate you seeing us, I really do but this is a long drive for us and I can't afford to miss another shift. Addison (to Cheyenne): Unfortunately Ms. Wood the mass on the baby's neck is what's causing the build up in fluid. It's also obstructing her airway and the spine. Cheyenne: Mom. Ms. Wood: It's alright. Just listen. Addison: We're going to do a procedure called an exit surgery. Basically we do a C-section and only half deliver the baby. Cheyenne: Half deliver? Addison: That's right. We pull the head and the arms out but we don't cut the umbilical cord. Cheyenne: Why? Izzie: The tumor won't let air get to the baby's lungs. So we need the umbilical cord to keep her alive during the operation. It's kinda cool if you think about it. You'll be like your baby's life support machine. Addison: And then after the surgery if all goes well, we cut the umbilical cord and you'll be the mother of a healthy baby girl. How does that sound? (Cheyenne looks relieved) Ms. Wood: That sounds expensive. Addison: Well your doctor at the clinic is a former student of mine, so it's covered. (To Izzie) I'm gonna go head up and take this to the lab. (She leaves the room) Izzie: The hospital gets a write off the surgery. And it makes Dr. Shepherd look good, so ... Ms. Wood: So it's not charity? Izzie: It's not charity. What time's your shift? Ms. Wood: 6 to 6. Izzie: Graveyard. (Mrs. Wood nods) In Chehalis? Ms. Wood: Yeah. Izzie: It's 3 hours away. Better get going. (Mrs. Wood looks at her) I'll look out for her. (Cheyenne nods at her mother) (Meredith is walking down the hallway where she sees Richard standing in front of the OR board. She walks up to him) Meredith: Chief. Richard: Hello, Meredith. Meredith: Saw my mother this morning. Richard: Did you? How is she? Meredith: She's fine. Richard (uneasy): I'm glad to hear it. Give her my best. (He walks off) (The pit where Claire is now sitting up right on the bed with Wade sitting next to her on a chair. Claire and Wade are very touchy feely. Alex is there. Cristina is there also drawing a black line across her leg) Claire: Why are you... Cristina (interrupts): Oh I'm drawing a line to mark the borders of the infection. We'll watch it for a couple of hours. If it doesn't cross the line you'll get IV antibiotics. Wade: And if it does cross the line? Alex: Well it would mean the infection is aggressive. We'd have to do a muscle biopsy. Claire (stops giving lovey-dovey looks and looks concerned): You have to take out a piece of my muscle? Cristina (nods): Mmm Hmm. Claire: Well we're supposed to run a 10k tomorrow. Cristina: Oh, on this leg I doubt it. Alex: Can you tell us when you first noticed the rash? Wade: When we were climbing Rainer yesterday. (Sydney the cheerful Resident comes up to them) Sydney: Wow! You took the Emmons Glacier route? Claire: Please you can do that in an SUV. We did 'Liberty Ridge'. Sydney: Wow! That's hardcore. (She shakes Wade's hand) Hi. I'm Sydney Heron. These guys teacher. Claire (shakes her hand): Hi. I'm Claire. This is Wade. It's our honeymoon. Sydney: Wow, that's amazing. God, look at that rock. Cristina (annoyed): Ah did you sustain any trauma on the hike? Did you fall down? Or bang your leg against something? Claire: No. Wade: Oh, she cut her foot on some oyster shells at the beach a couple of days ago. (He turns to Sydney) We were windsurfing in 'Puget Sound'. Sydney: Oh wow sounds like you guys are going to need a honeymoon to recover from your honeymoon. (Wade and Sydney chuckle and Alex forces himself to chuckle. Cristina mean while checks Claire's leg) Claire: Ow. (Cristina continues checking) Claire: My leg's going to be ok though, right? Alex: Oh, yeah, yeah, it's probably just a simple skin infection. Cristina: Ah, no it's not. Look. (They all look closely at the black line. The infection has passed the line really fast) (Meredith is wandering down the hallway. Derek comes up to her) Derek: Hey. Meredith: Hey. Derek: Your dog's fine. Meredith: He's your dog now. Derek: Hmm. Meredith: I miss him. (Derek nods and is about to speak but Addison comes up and interrupts) Addison: He misses you too. Derek: Ah. Addison: You should come visit. (Meredith looks uncomfortable. Addison chuckles) The dog, I mean. Meredith: I'm walking away now. (Meredith walks off. Addison turns and faces Derek) Addison : So um I'm looking for a neurosurgeon to consult on a fetal spinal tumor. You know anybody good? (Derek chuckles) (Picket Line outside where the nurse's are marching and still chanting. George is marching with them, still holding his 'Proud to Be A Nurse' sign. Nurse Debbie, Olivia and Tyler are all walking behind George whispering to each other) Olivia: Don't ask George. Debbie: Why not he's a doctor? Go ahead. Olivia: Don't worry about it. Debbie: Just go ahead. (George notices this) George (to himself): I see whisper and point. I'm showing support, they whisper and point. (Olivia walks up to him) Olivia: George. George: What? Olivia: We need a favor. Debbie: Ava Jekins in PEDS, Room Forty-One, Fourteen. It's almost time to change her dressing and it's scary for her but if you sing the alphabet or the 'wheels on the bus' song she can handle it. (George looks mighty confused) Tyler: Mrs. O'Brien, Twenty-four, twelve. She'll have a major panic attack if they don't check on her at least once an hour. Olivia: And there's this guy in Twenty-nine, Twenty-four- George (interrupts): Hey, Hey, hang on! Hang on! (They stop walking near the side of the line) George: What you want me to cross the picket line? Olivia, Tyler & Debbie: Yeah. George (amazed): Why? Olivia: Because they're our patients too, George. (looks nervous) And we can't. (OR where Sydney is operating on Claire Solomon's leg. Alex and Cristina are helping and watching) Sydney: Anyone care to probe the wound? Cristina & Alex (at the same time): I do. Alex: I'd really like to try your method of healing with love. Sydney: I like the way you think Alex. (She hands him the scalpel while Cristina looks on annoyed) You do the honors. ( Sydney notices Cristina's look) Cristina, looks like someone needs to learn how to share. (To Alex) Oh, there just go ahead and slide it in. (A phone rings) Alex: Whoa. No resistance. Cristina (hisses to him): Let me see. (Cristina grabs the scalpel off him) Nurse (holds a phone up to Sydney): Dr. Heron. (Sydney listens to whoever is on the line) Sydney (into the phone): Yes? Cristina: Oh! No healthy muscle gives away that easily. Sydney: Oh my god. Oh this poor girl. (She pulls away from the phone and the scrubs nurse hangs up) Sydney: Ok everyone, we're locking down the O.R. All non-essential personnel must leave now. Cristina: Was that pathology? Is she... Sydney (interrupts): It's necrotizing fasciitis. Alex (amazed): The flesh eating bacteria? Sydney: In the flesh. (Meredith is entering Grace's room. Patricia is in there looking concerned) Meredith: Oh good somebody's in here. How's she doing? Patricia: You intubated her? Meredith: Yeah. Patricia (disapproving): You intubated her. Meredith (defensive): I had to. She was struggling to breathe. Her sats were in the 80s. She was in her room all alone. (She notices Patricia's look) What? Patricia: One of the temp nurses found the paperwork from her chart on the second floor. And... (Grace's friends are standing at the doorway of the room and are outraged) Agnes: You put a tube in Grace! Ruth: She put a tube in Grace? Eleanor: She put a tube in Grace? Patricia: Mrs. Bickham was diagnosed with end-stage COPD. She's on hospice. Meredith: End of life care? Patricia (holds out the chart with DNR on it): DNR. Do not resuscitate. (Ruth comes in and bangs her bag against Meredith's back. Meredith jumps and turns around startled) Ruth: You little schnook. You were supposed to let her die. (Meredith is surrounded by Grace's friends in Grace's room. Patricia has left the room) Eleanor: No machines, she said. Agnes: She did. I remember because her daughter Alice was there with her girlfriend... Ah She's a lesbian. (Meredith nods but looks uncomfortable) The daughter. Nice girls. But... Ruth (interrupts): Stop with the rambling Agnes. Make your point. Meredith: I'm sorry. (She walks out of their little surrounding circle and turns to face them) Meredith: Who are you, exactly? Mrs. Bickham's sisters? Agnes (chuckles): Oh no. No. (The other two shake their head) Her sister Rose died in '83. Ruth: May she rest in piece. Agnes: Influenza. Or croup. Eleanor: Only babies die of Croup! Rose died with a cold in her chest. Agnes: Pneumonia! Eleanor: Right, pneumonia. And there was her other sister, Harriet. Ruth: May she rest in peace. Agnes: They cremated her. Ruth: Gracie wanted to die. She made us all promise. Meredith: This really is something that I need to speak with her husband about. Eleanor: Lenny never talked much when he was alive. Good luck getting a word now. Meredith: Lenny's dead? Ruth: May he rest in peace. Meredith: But Grace said she just saw him. Agnes: Because she was trying to cross-over. Ruth: She almost died twice in the last month. Said she saw him each time. You ask me that's a little meshugena. Eleanor: It's not meshugena! He was waiting for her in the light. Agnes: Mmm Hmm. (Ruth rolls her eyes) Agnes (to Meredith): Which thanks to you, she can't reach now! (Eleanor nods) (George is still dressed in his normal everyday clothes walking quickly down the hospital hallway with a notepad. He sees the Chief opposite and darts to the side to avoid him) Richard: O'Malley, I need you to round all those 21... George (interrupts): I'm not here. Richard: Excuse me? George: I'm here but I'm not here. Richard (angry): You won't be anywhere in about thirty seconds if you don't... George (interrupts): Sir, all do respect, no offense intended. Ah but I won't cross the picket line. Richard: And yet somehow you're standing in front of me. George: Uh, yep well because some of the nurses want me to check on their patients and so I am but then I'm going right back out there to join them. Richard: You're a doctor! George: Yes sir ... but I'm also a union man. ... All do respect, no offense intended. Richard: Fine! (He starts to walk off) George (runs after him): Sir, while I have you here I'm supposed to tell you that ah Mrs. O'Brien in twenty-four twelve is allergic to chocolate but she pulls the allergy sticker off her chart every chance she gets. Richard: Wonderful. George: And ah that ah you're supposed to watch Mr. Roberts in Twenty-One Nineteen take and swallow his diuretics. Apparently he likes to hoard them under his mattress. (Richard stops walking and turns around angrily) Richard: Is that it? (George nods fast. Richard turns around) George: 40 to 50 hours of mandatory overtime is extremely... Richard: O'Malley! (George turns and runs off) George: Yes sir, I'm very sorry. No offense intended! (Waiting room where Cristina, Sydney and Alex are delivering the news to Wade about Claire's leg) Wade: What? Wait, flesh eating ... I mean this is some kind of joke right? She put you up to this. Cristina: Ah no it's not a joke. We have to amputate the leg. Sydney (disapprovingly): Cristina. (Cristina gives her a 'what' look) Wade: We're on our honeymoon. Sydney: I'm sorry Wade. I know this is scary but amputation is not the only option. Cristina: It's the only sane opt... (She stops herself and turns to Wade) Excuse me if we don't get this infection under control immediately she is going to die. Wade: But there is another option? Alex: Well we can try to save the leg by cutting out the infection. It won't be pretty but we might be able to keep it functional. (Cristina looks like she can't believe this is even being discussed) Sydney: Gold star for Dr. Karev. Wade: Ah I need to see her. Cristina: There's no time. Alex: By the time we take her out of anesthesia and put her back under ... you need to make a decision now. Wade: Uh I mean she runs marathons. This is our adventure honeymoon. It's, it's who she is. Sydney: Ok, then we'll do everything we can to save the leg. (Cristina looks upset and Sydney walks off. Alex follows and Cristina catches up to him) Cristina: You seriously think this is a good idea? Alex: I seriously think this is a way cooler surgery. (He walks off) (Cheyenne's patient room where Addison, Derek and Izzie are talking to her) Derek: Cheyenne, the prognosis is very good. So what we want to try to do is go in and get as much of the tumor out as possible during your surgery. Cheyenne: So my baby will be fine? Derek: Yes. Addison: You may be able to take your baby home by the end of the week. Cheyenne: That soon? Addison: Absolutely. She'll be all yours. Cheyenne: Oh. Ok. Derek: Ok. Now, if you and your mother have any questions Dr. Stevens will page me. All right? Addison: See you later. (Derek nods to Izzie and both he and Addison leave the room. Izzie picks up a book of Cheyenne 's bed table) Izzie: Oh, Shakespeare. Cheyenne: I was reading it to my baby. It's really homework for English. Was. The baby wasn't due for another few more weeks. And now I guess ... Izzie: No more school. Cheyenne: It's weird. It's like when you're in school ... you hate it. Izzie: Until you can't go anymore. (Cheyenne just stays silent) Izzie: Have you made any plans? Cheyenne: Plans? Izzie: Bought a crib? Called about child care? Looked into assistance? Cheyenne: Not yet. Izzie: You gonna live with your mom? Cheyenne: I'm supposed to be saving money to get my own trailer home. I don't know I guess I thought that I'd have more time. Nine months go by fast. Izzie (kinda teary eyed): Yeah, yeah it does. (She fakes a smile) I'll see you later. Cheyenne: Bye. (Izzie takes her chart and leaves) (OR where Sydney, Alex and Cristina are operating on Claire's leg) Cristina: So, Sydney, have you seen a lot of necrotizing fasciitis? Sydney: No have you? Cristina: If the infection moves to her bloodstream she'll die. Alex: If she wakes up without her leg she might wish she had. Sydney: Yeah, Dr. Karev is right. She's young, she's healthy, she's a newlywed. Cristina: And your treatment plan is based on? Cuteness? If she were an 80 year old man, you'd amputate in a heartbeat. Sydney: She's not 80. Where's your compassion? Cristina (disbelievingly): My, my compassion? Trying to save a patient from death is pretty compassionate. Sydney: I must say I'm disappointed in you. Why can't you be more like Alex? Cristina: Excuse me? Sydney: Yeah this guy, he's compassionate. He's warm. He's fighting with me to save Claire's leg. Alex: And we're going to win that fight. Sydney: Yes. (Alex laughs silently at Cristina but Sydney doesn't notice) Cristina: Ah excuse me, restroom. (She leaves the table) (Cristina is walking the hospital hallway looking for Burke. She finds him in front of the nurses' station outside the O.R board. She walks up to him) Cristina: Burke. Burke: Hey, I thought you were in surgery. Cristina: I was. Necrotizing fasciitis. Burke: No kidding? So why are you out here? Cristina: Because the new resident, ah she's the new Bailey. Except that she's the exact opposite of Bailey in the most absurd, horrifying, profoundly disturbing ways. Burke (warningly): Cristina. Cristina: I think the new resident is killing our patient. (Burke looks up at this) (Burke and Cristina are entering the OR with Sydney and Alex still operating on Claire's leg. There is only one other scrubs nurse in there) Burke: Dr. Heron is it? Sydney: It is and you are? Burke: Preston Burke. Sydney: Dr. Burke. Wow, no kidding. (She chuckles) I'm a huge fan. Burke: Thank you. I um I heard you had a case of necrotizing fasciitis and we don't see a lot of those around here. (Alex shoots Cristina an annoyed look) Sydney: Hmm. Yeah well being a cardiothoracic surgeon I wouldn't think you saw any. Burke: Right ... well I was just curious about what protocol you were following here. Sydney: You were curious or Cristina was concerned? Burke: I'll hope you'll forgive the intrusion. It's nothing personal. (She nods) It's just that we haven't worked with you before and Dr. Yang wanted to be sure... Sydney (stops doing the surgery, turns around and interrupts): Dr. Yang wanted to be sure that perky little bimbo cheerleader wasn't in here trying to kill a patient. Am I right? Now with all do respect Dr. Burke I know you don't know me very well but I'm pretty good at what I do. And my patient is a 25 year old marathoner and I've told her husband I'm going to try and save her leg. So my plan is to stand here for as many hours as it takes to scrape away every last cell of necrotic flesh. Now when I'm done, if it's still spreading, then we'll take the leg. And if we do then our eager young intern here can hold the saw. Now unlike Dr. Karev, kindness and compassion aren't very high on her list of priorities but a little bone-saw action well maybe that will earn me some respect. (She turns back to the surgery) Am I right? Now Dr. Yang, you ready to scrub back in? (Cristina leaves the OR upset) [SCENE_BREAK] (Richard is talking to Grace's three friends sitting in a small waiting room. Meredith is standing watching) Eleanor: You're the head of this whole hospital? Richard: Just the surgeons. Eleanor (pats Richard's leg): Well they should make you the head of everything. Ruth (mutters to Agnes): She's batting the lashes. You see that, she's batting the lashes. Agnes: Dr. Webber, the point is Grace wants to be with her Lenny. She misses him terribly. Meredith: You realize if I pull out the tube, Grace will die. Agnes: We're old magpie, not daft. Ruth: Pull the plug already. It's what she wants. Richard: Ladies, I appreciate your concern for your friend but we need to contact a durable power of attorney to sign the release. Eleanor: That's Alice. Call Alice. Agnes: Grace's daughter. Ruth: She's a lesbian. Eleanor: Well that's ok, isn't it? I mean she still could have the power of attorney. Richard: Ah fine. We'll need Alice's signature. Ruth: Good luck. She lives in Oregon. Agnes: Oh she could fax it. Richard: I'm sorry. We'll need her original signature. Eleanor (coos): Can't we just skip that part? Ruth (mutters to Agnes): Bat the lashes again. I think it was working. Richard: Excuse me, ladies. (Richard stands up and starts walking away with Meredith) Meredith: You're like the old lady whisperer. (Richard cringes) They really cheer up when you come around. Richard: Meredith, you understand that if the daughter shows up tomorrow and confirms she is DNR ... Meredith: I have to kill my patient, I know. Richard: How you doing? Something I can do for you? Meredith: Oh I'm fine, sir. I don't need any help from you. Thank you. (She walks off) (Izzie is walking down the hall dressed to go home past Cheyenne's room. She gets teary-eyed as she sees Cheyenne reading her baby Shakespeare) (Joe's Bar) (A group of nurses are camped out at the bar. A large portion of them toast George with their beers and wines) Olivia: To Doctor O'Malley! Nurses: Yeah! (They clink glasses. George laughs) (Cristina, Meredith, Izzie and Alex are having a drink at the bar. Joe is serving them) Cristina: She called me unkind. Unkind and lacking in compassion. In front of my boyfriend! I am not unkind. Meredith: I think I have to kill a woman tomorrow. I have to take out the tube that's keeping her alive. (Meredith turns to look at the person sitting next to her. Cristina throws a peanut at her) Cristina: Izzie. Joe: This is the part where you say what's wrong with you. (Izzie remains quiet) Cristina: Where are you going? Izzie: I have to go, I forgot something at work. Meredith: I have to kill a woman tomorrow. Cristina: And that is a problem, why? I mean if it's what she wants, it's what she wants! And that is not unkind or lacking in compassion. I'm a very compassionate person! I'm more compassionate than you Alex! (Izzie leaves the bar) Alex: Shut your pie-hole Yang. (George comes up to the bar) George: Hey Joe, can we have another round please? (Joe hands Alex a drink) Alex: Yeah give Nurse O'Malley a drink on me. George: Heh, what'd you say? (George turns to his nurse pals) Hey uh Karev just called me a nurse. (To Alex) That's the worst you could come up with. Or wait is that an insult? Or a was I supposed to be... (George is interrupted by a nurse walking by purposely spilling her drink onto Cristina's lap) Nurse: Whoopsies. Cristina: Are you kidding me? I will kill you, you know that? Nurse: Bring it on! Cristina: Oh, she, oh Bring it on! Okay Mama. Let's bring it on! Oh look at her spry! What you wanna cheer it out soccer mom? Nurse: Oh soccer mom! (They both start yelling at each other. Joe interrupts) Joe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Beating each other up and there's not gonna be anybody left to set your broken bones. (They continue to yell ignoring Joe) Joe: Hey! (Meredith takes Cristina's arm and pulls her away) Meredith: We were just leaving. Cristina: Yeah because I gotta go save lives! Nurse: Bye! (Alex is smirking at the whole situation while George pushes through the nurse crowd) George: Excuse me, they're my ride. Excuse me. (Cheyenne's room) (Izzie dressed from the bar, enters Cheyenne's room) Izzie: You're awake. Cheyenne: Hey, yeah. Baby jumps up and down on my belly all night. It makes me have to pee all the time. (Izzie nods) Cheyenne: You work long hours, huh? Izzie: Yeah, but I'm off work now. I ... I just came back to talk to you. ... I grew-up in Chehalis too. Cheyenne: Serious? Izzie: Serious. Um, Forest Park . Cheyenne (smiles): The trailer (Izzie speaks at the same time) park behind the church. Izzie (continues): Yeah. On Route 6. Yeah. Cheyenne: My friend Shelley lives up there. Izzie: Yeah my mom still lives there. Cheyenne: No way. Izzie: Yeah huh. (They both smile) ... ... Can you keep a secret? (Cheyenne nods. Izzie reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of a young girl and hands it Cheyenne) Izzie: This is my daughter. (Izzie is now sitting next to Cheyenne) Izzie: In the picture she's 6 but she's 11 now. She lived in Santa Barbara but they moved. I don't know where. But I know her name is Hannah and she likes pigs. Cheyenne (chuckles): Pigs? Izzie (smiles): Yep, she collects them. Like figurines and stuffed animals, you know. I think it's because her mom probably read her 'Charlotte's Web'. Cheyenne: I thought you were her mom. Izzie (tear eyed): I'm her mother but I'm not her mom. ... Look um I know that where we come from this kind of thing doesn't get talked about but I wanted you to know that there's more than one way to be a good mother. I wanted, I wanted better for her than I could do at sixteen. Cheyenne (teary eyed): I love my baby. Izzie: Of course you do. But you're reading her Shakespeare. (Cheyenne starts crying softly) When you're working 12 hour shifts at the diner like our mom's, you won't be coming home and reading her Shakespeare. (Izzie smiles down at Cheyenne's stomach) (Burke and Cristina's apartment) (Cristina enters the apartment and finds Burke sitting in the dark holding a trumpet) Cristina: Huh, I could hear you from six blocks away. Burke: Sorry. Cristina: Don't be. I like it. (She heads to the fridge) I'm just not sure how the neighbors would feel which by the way is not a thing someone lacking in compassion would be concerned with. (She grabs a beer and heads to the bedroom) Burke: How's your patient's leg? Cristina: Carved all to hell, but still on her body. (She comes back to the doorway) We're watching it overnight. (Cristina notices Burke seems a little upset) What's going on? Burke: Never in my career have I questioned a fellow surgeon in their OR. I never understood what the problem was, an intern dating an attending, until today. (Cristina gives him an upset look and leaves the room) (Sunrise) (Picket Line) (A new day and the nurses are still chanting 'Fair hours, Fair wages') (Hallway) (George is walking with Meredith who is taking down notes from George from the nurses) George: And don't believe twenty-five nineteen when she you she tells that she went to the bathroom. She just wants to go home. She just says she went to the bathroom and then she's back here 2 days later. Meredith: Got it. (Burke walks by them) Burke: Hey! I need sutures in 2602! George: Can't help ya! (Burke stops walking and turns back to George. Meredith walks to the nurses' station nearby and George realizing what he just said turns around horrified. Izzie watches from a nurses' station) Burke: What? George: ... Fair hours! Fair wages! Fair hours! Fair ... (He stops, Izzie looks amused) It's no offense. Burke: None taken. (Burke walks off and George walks up to Izzie who hands him a cup of coffee) Izzie: Hey. How's the strike going? George: Do you know? Did you realize how rarely doctors say thank you and please to nurses? How few surgeons even know the names of them? ... (He suddenly looks up) I shouldn't be seen talking to you. (George moves a little to the side) (Meredith is rifling through some files. A young woman and her partner come up to her. Unbeknownst to Meredith, this is Alice, Grace's daughter) Alice: Excuse me. I'm looking for Richard Webber. Meredith: Can I help you? Alice: My name is Alice Bickham. (Meredith looks up instantly) I'm here about my mother, Grace. Meredith: Sure, um ... come with me, please. (She walks off and Alice and her girlfriend follow her) (Mrs. Wood comes up to Izzie, angry) Mrs. Wood: You said you would look after her. Izzie: I'm sorry? Mrs. Wood: You told me to go to work and said you would look after her. Izzie: Miss ah Wood can you ah just follow me? (She walks a few feet away from the nurses station so George can't hear.) Mrs. Wood: She's a kid you know? She's scared enough without you putting ideas in her head. How do you tell a scared kid to give her baby away? Izzie: I didn't tell her. I didn't advise her. I didn't pressure her. I just ... talked to her. (George is watching from far) Mrs. Wood: You're not a shrink! You're not her mother. She's my kid and you crossed the line. Izzie: I'm sorry. Mrs. Wood: No you're not sorry. You're superior. So what you're a big shot doctor and you get to judge us? You get to tell my kid how to live her life? Izzie: Cheyenne is smart. She's smart and she's thoughtful and she can have more. She can have more than a trailer park and a graveyard shift at a truck stop diner. Don't you want that for her? (Mrs. Wood glares at her) I mean if you can get past the fact that I'm superior and that I'm judging you and that I'm telling you what's best for your family. If you can just get past all of that, isn't it possible that I'm also right? (Izzie walks off) (Post-op room where Claire is recovering from her surgery. Alex and Sydney are in there. Wade is sitting at Claire's bedside) Sydney: Pretty spectacular recovery Claire. Claire (groggy): Really? Do you think it's going to be ok? Sydney: I think we got almost all of the necrotic tissue. A few times in a hyperbaric chamber and I'm thinking you'll be out of the woods. (Wade nods) Claire: Thank you for saving my leg. Sydney: My pleasure. (Cristina watches from the doorway) Now Dr. Karev here will explain the hyperbaric chamber. Dr. Karev. Alex: Thank you Dr. Heron. A hyperbaric chamber... (Sydney starts making her way out and passes Cristina) Sydney: I'll take that apology any time. (Cristina sighs) (Grace's room where all of Grace's friends are, Alice, her girlfriend, Meredith and Richard are standing around Grace's bed. Alice signs the form and hands it to Richard) Richard: Thank you. Meredith: So, I'm going to give her a sedative which will ease her discomfort and then I'll remove the tube. (Alice nods) Ok. Alice's girlfriend: Are you ready? Alice (nods): Yes. (Meredith is about to inject the sedative) Alice: Wait. (Meredith stops quickly almost as she was hoping Alice would stop it. Alice leans forward and kisses her mother on her forehead) Alice (whispers): Goodbye mommy. (Agnes pats her comfortingly) Oh ... do you want to... Agnes (interrupts): Oh no. No we already said our goodbyes. We just wanted to be here when Grace crossed over. (Meredith looks down upset. Alice nods) Alice (to Meredith): Ready. (Meredith moves to inject the sedative but Richard puts a hand her shoulder to stop her) Richard: I can take care of this. Meredith: I...I did it. I should undo it. (She injects in the sedative and turns off the life support machine) Alice's girlfriend: How long? I mean before ... Meredith: It can take a while. (Meredith starts removing the tubing from Grace) (Burke is writing in a very roomy medical supplies closet. Cristina enters) Cristina: She wants me to apologize. Burke: You crossed the line. Cristina: I'm not apologizing. Burke: You made me cross the line. Cristina: Oh, like I can make you do anything! (There is a bit of a silence) Burke: It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm your teacher. I'm supposed to be. But you came to me as your boyfriend and I responded that way. (Cristina gives him a look but she knows he's right) Cristina: I'm not used to being wrong. Burke: I know. But you're an intern. Second guessing a resident is not your job. (Richard and Meredith are standing outside Grace's room) Meredith: How long has it been? Richard (looks at his watch): 2 hours and 17 minutes. (Meredith nods) Meredith: I saw you there. At the nursing home with my mother. Richard: Oh. Meredith: They said you go to her 3 times a week. Richard (nods): Whenever I can. Meredith: Why did you keep it a secret? Richard (sighs): I don't know. Would you like me to stop going? (Meredith avoids the question) Meredith: I'm gonna go check on Grace. (She stops at the doorway of Grace's room) Meredith: Do you think she's lonely? My mother? Richard: Yeah, I do. (Grace's room where Grace's friends, Alice and her girlfriend, Richard and Meredith all keep a close watch over her) (OR where Addison and Derek are performing the surgery on Cheyenne's baby. Izzie is there helping them. Izzie cuts the umbilical cord and Addison takes the baby out. She hands the baby to Izzie who takes the baby girl to the side and rests her down a lined table. She smiles at the baby) (Grace's room where Grace is breathing very shallowly. All of the family and friends are touching and comforting Grace. Grace suddenly stops breathing. Meredith watches) Ruth: May she rest in peace. (Agnes struggles not to cry and puts an arm on Ruth's shoulder to comfort her. Eleanor rests her head against Agnes) Meredith: Time of death (she clears her throat) 12:42. (Meredith looks upset and heads out of the room) (Meredith is exiting out of the room almost in tears and looking like she's having difficult breathing. Derek from afar notices Meredith who has her back to him and is about to walk up to her. He looks confused as she rushes into the nearest linen closet) (Interior of the linen closet where Meredith is sitting down taking large gulping breaths. It seems like she's almost hyperventilating. Derek enters and looks concerned when he sees her. Meredith starts to cry as he crouches down next to her.) Meredith (crying): I don't. I can't. I can't. I don't want. I don't. I can't. I don't. I don't want my mother to die alone. (Derek just continues to look on comfortingly and concerned) Derek (whispers): Slow down. Just slow down. Shh. Slow deep breaths now. Slow deep breaths. (Meredith just continues to cry and breathe difficultly) (Derek stands up and reaches above Meredith's head. He pulls down a white paper bag and hands it to Meredith) Derek (calm quiet voice): Here. Take it easy. Slow down. Slow down. (Meredith breathes into the bag. She takes on of his hands in hers and holds onto tightly. Her breathing slows down and she stops crying. She rests her head against Derek's shoulder. Derek brings up his other free arm around her and holds her and rests his head against hers. Meredith pulls away the bag and eventually sits up) Meredith: I'm ok. Derek (smiles): You're ok. (She wipes a tear away and Derek brushes the hair away from her face) Meredith: Thank you. Derek: You're welcome. (They stare into each other's eyes for a long time almost as if they might kiss. Meredith breaks the moment by looking away. She gets up and walks out leaving Derek sitting in the closet by himself) (NICU where Izzie is checking on Cheyenne's baby who is in an incubator. Cheyenne is sitting on a rocking chair next to them) Cheyenne: Do you ever wish you hadn't done it? Izzie: No. I really don't. Cheyenne: If I give her up, if I give her away, do I still get to name her? Izzie: You can name her for yourself. Cheyenne: Did you name yours? Izzie: Uh ... Sarah. Cheyenne (smiles): That's a pretty name. Izzie (nods): Yeah. (Meredith is walking down the hall and up to Richard. Richard looks apprehensive and Meredith smiles) Meredith: I think you should keep visiting her. Richard: You sure? Meredith: Yeah. She lights up when you're around. She's alive. (Burke and Cristina are walking down the hall. A few feet away is Sydney who's talking to Alex. Cristina stops walking) Cristina: Oh, she's with Alex. I can't do this in front of Alex. Burke: Well, you can and you will. Cristina: Excuse me why aren't you apologizing? Burke: I'm, I'm an attending. I don't apologize to residents. You on the other hand are an intern. (He walks up to Sydney and Alex. Cristina follows) Cristina: Sydney, I just wanted to ... (She glances briefly at Alex who looks very smug and straining to hear what she has to say) ah Just wanted to ah to ... (very quietly) apologize for you know overstepping, I'm sorry. Sydney: Well that's the compassion I was looking for. Apology accepted. Okay, you wanna hug it out? (She holds out her arms for a hug) Cristina: Oh. (Burke raises his eyebrows and watches Cristina's reaction) Alex: Go, go hug. Cristina: No, yeah. Sydney: Come on. (Cristina backs away and walks off. Burke walks with her) (Patricia and Richard are in a small waiting room looking at a TV which shows the protest going on outside) Richard: We need them, Patricia. Patricia: Yes, we need them. (They start walking down the hallway) Richard: So where do I find the spare change? It's not like whatever's hiding underneath the couch cushions is gonna do it. Patricia: Well I seemed to remember pushing through paperwork for a multi-million dollar surgery robot. Richard: There was a two-year waiting list for that. It will bring a huge business. Patricia: And could you and the robot handle that business without nurses? (She walks off and Richard looks resigned) (Picket Line) (The line is deforming and the nurses are cheering. Richard is out there talking with them) MVO: We can't help ourselves. We see a line. We want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. (Derek's trailer, bedroom) (Addison and Derek are in bed, with Addison lying in Derek's arms) MVO: Only problem is once you've crossed it's almost impossible to go back. (Meredith's house, George's room) (George is lying in bed playing on his PSP. His door creaks open and closes. Izzie has come in. She gets in bed next to George and lies next to him. She sighs) George: Are you okay? Izzie: Yeah. Yeah I am. (George returns back to his PSP. His door opens again and this time Meredith enters. She goes to the other side of George's bed and lies down next to him. She closes her eyes) George: Are you ok? Meredith: Yeah. George (to both of them): What happened today? Meredith: Nothing. Izzie: Nothing. George: Ok. (He turns back to his game boy) Izzie: We don't know everything about each other, George. Meredith: Yeah. George: True. MVO: But, if you do manage to make it back across that line. You find safety in numbers. (Meredith turns off lamp on the bedside table and the whole screen goes dark) George: Anybody want to have s*x? (Meredith laughs) Izzie: George.

Amidst a strike by the nurses, Meredith revives an elderly patient without knowing she's not supposed to. As the patient dies with her friends at her side, Meredith realizes she doesn't want her mother to die alone, and allows the chief to continue visit her, something she initially was upset with. George ends up on the nurses' side. Izzie treats a pregnant teenager with whom she has much in common, and her interfering upsets the patient's mother, Izzie also reveals to the patient that she has a daughter. Cristina is irritated with the perky new resident, Sydney, and asks for Burke's intervention when Sydney attempts a risky procedure to save a woman's infected leg from amputation.

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x26

fd_Doctor_Who_1963_03x26_0

PAUL ERICKSON & LESLEY SCOTT 05:15pm-05:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. ARK. JUNGLE (In a thick jungle, Birds sing in the trees as a Lizard basks on a rock. A Toucan swoops down and disturbs its repose. A few feet away, a creature of a different kind stands and watches. Humanoid in stance, it is covered with a scaly reptilian skin. Its legs are short, its head is covered with a thatch of fair hair and when it turns, it can be seen to only have one eye that swivels round in its socket as it surveys the landscape. The creature walks off into the trees. Thick mists hang in the air and a snake slides down the branches of one tree. With the usual roaring sound of its engines, the TARDIS materialises among the foliage. DODO steps out almost immediately, dressed in a strange semblance of a crusader knights' outfit. Looking round eagerly, she suddenly sneezes. STEVEN steps out of the TARDIS with a scowl and spots the girl. He follows her.) STEVEN: Just where do you think you're going? DODO: (Cheekily.) Out. STEVEN: Out? DODO: Yes, I thought I'd get some fresh air. Somebody opened the door and... STEVEN: (Interrupting.) But nobody said you could go out. DODO: (Walking away.) Do they have to then? STEVEN: Well, of course they... (He steps after her but she is going further into the trees.) STEVEN: Look, Dodo, you don't know what you might have found out here. No gravity, poisoned atmosphere, all sorts of things. Look, stop prancing around over there! What happens if you get lost? DODO: (Shouting back.) I catch a bus back! STEVEN: A bus? (He runs after her.) STEVEN: Look, what are you talking about? I mean, just where do you think you are? DODO: Ah! Bet you thought you'd caught me, didn't you? Bet you thought I didn't know. Well, I do. (She walks off again.) STEVEN: You do? DODO: (Walking off.) 'Course I do! STEVEN: (Looking round.) What, this place? I mean...you recognise it? Wha...what with all these strange animals and flowers and things? (DODO is looking up at a Toucan in the trees. STEVEN catches up with her.) STEVEN: Well, you can't have been here before. DODO: Yes I have. It's just outside London. I came here once with the school. It's called Whipsnade. (She steps away once more. STEVEN is incredulous.) STEVEN: "Just outside London"? Look, wait a minute! (He catches up once again.) I mean...ha...it can't be! DODO: Yes it is. (Points.) I bet if you go down that path there, you'll come to the American Bison and the Tea Bar. STEVEN: (Pauses, then.) Look...we...we don't even know that we're on Earth! DODO: (Amused.) Earth? Earth? Well, it couldn't be anywhere else now, could it? Hey, look Steven, that proves it. That's a Chameleon. (The Chameleon sits on a nearby branch.) STEVEN: What this? DODO: Mm hmm. (DODO points to another nearby lizard.) DODO: And here's a Monitor. (She points now to an insect clinging to a leaf.) DODO: Look, that's a Locust. There, what did I tell you? STEVEN: Look, how do you know all this? DODO: I learnt it at school. There's nothing you can tell me about nature, simply nothing. (There is a strange cry of an animal from nearby. DODO wheels round in alarm and turns to STEVEN.) STEVEN: Having second thoughts? DODO: No! I just don't remember Whipsnade being so rowdy, that's all. (She walks off again and past the TARDIS as the DOCTOR steps out.) DOCTOR: Improbable as it may seem, dear boy, I think the child, er, Dorethea... DODO: (Interrupting.) Dodo! DOCTOR: ...er, oh yes, of course, my dear...Dodo is right. STEVEN: What, do you mean...it is Earth? DOCTOR: Well, I can't tell you just yet. All I can say is that it's more likely to be Earth than anywhere else and it's very strange indeed. You know, I've been taking a look at my instruments in there...and it's really very strange. Hmm! (Laughs.) (The two walk back into the TARDIS. The scaly arm of the humanoid lizard parts one of the bushes, the better to see the travellers...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (In a brightly lit control deck, a trial is in progress. A large monitor screen dominates the deck. Behind it, and to either side can be seen a huge curved roof. Directly beneath the screen is a raised dais - the COMMANDER'S - at which the man himself sits behind a desk. He is elderly but dressed in a robe that ends above the knee and is made up of draped strips of material and an ornate collar. Other humans watch and participate in the trial. Although the other humans are of both sexes and a range of ages - even children - they are also dressed in the robes and wear sandals on their feet. Also here are more of the humanoid lizards, all identical in look except that the head of hair that each has are of different shades. One of them sits at a machine at the foot of the COMMANDERS desk, out of which comes a piece of paper with "VERDICT...20 - 0 = GUILTY" printed upon it. The lizard passes it up to the COMMANDER. He reads it and holds up his arm in signal to the of the lizards, who then leads forward a young man - the accused.) COMMANDER: Prisoner - you've been found guilty of extreme carelessness in carrying out your duties. By leaving open a wide valve in the heat exchange unit, you could have caused an explosion that would have been fatal...not only to the human race, but also to our friends, the Monoids. (The COMMANDER bows his head to one of the lizards, who bows back.) COMMANDER: As your commander, galactic law gives me wide powers in such cases. The safety of our people must be preserved at all costs. In these grave circumstances, the lightest sentence I can pass is one of miniaturisation. (The young man bows his head.) COMMANDER: Prepare the Minifier. Sentence will be carried out immediately. The prisoner will be retained at micro-cell size, to be re-constituted in its, approximately seven hundred years time, when it can no longer be a danger to us. (A young woman, MELLIUM, steps forward and looks sadly at the young man. The COMMANDER turns and smiles at a somber looking man who is stood next to a MONOID.) COMMANDER: Does the prosecution accept this sentence? (The man ZENTOS, turns to the MONOID and uses sign language to communicate with it. The MONOID nods its head in agreement.) ZENTOS: (To the COMMANDER.) We do. COMMANDER: Has the defence anything further to say on the prisoners behalf? (The defence representative, MANYAK, bows and walks over to the young man. MELLIUM rushes up to the COMMANDER, pleading.) MELLIUM: Father, anyone can make mistakes. He's not likely to do it again. COMMANDER: My child, we are the Guardians of the human race. You know our responsibilities cannot be taken lightly. (He speaks with horror in his voice.) Under galactic law, the only alternative punishment...would be...expulsion. MANYAK: Sir, the prisoner accepts the verdict...and thanks you for your clemency in not imposing a harsher sentence. COMMANDER: Very well - proceed. (MELLIUM leaves her father and walks over to the young man.) MELLIUM: (Sadly.) Goodbye. (The young man is escorted by two MONOIDS into a booth. He crouches on the floor as a MONOID presses a switch and, as a buzzing sound increases in pitch, the young man shrinks smaller and smaller to the point where he cannot be seen with a naked eye. One of the guardian humans enters the booth and lifts a small tray - containing the miniaturised convict - off the floor. He walks away with it. The prosecution MONOID signs to ZENTOS who then turns to the COMMANDER.) ZENTOS: My learned friend wishes to thank you, sir, on behalf of the Monoids, for the care you take of us all. (The COMMANDER smiles with delight. MELLIUM turns away sadly as ZENTOS watches her intently.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ARK. JUNGLE (The DOCTOR and STEVEN have joined DODO back in the jungle.) DODO: (Points.) Look Doctor! (An Elephant walks out of the trees towards them.) DODO: Hey, look at him then! (The travellers approach the Elephant, patting it. As DODO feeds it, the DOCTOR and STEVEN step away.) STEVEN: Well? DOCTOR: Well, it's just as I said: it's all very very strange. That is an Indian Elephant. (Laughs.) STEVEN: Yes, I know. What difference does that make? What does it prove? DOCTOR: Well, that's what I'm trying to find out, dear boy. DODO: (Stepping forward.) Flowers from America, Birds from Africa, a Snake from Brazil and now an Elephant from India. DOCTOR: Exactly, my dear. STEVEN: A jungle incorporating things from all over the world. DOCTOR: (Thoughtfully.) Yes, you're quite right, my boy. (He parts some branches.) Yes, and top of everything else, it's a jungle without a sky. (Through the branches, the travellers see that above them is not a blue sky, but a curved metal roof - the same roof that was seen from the control deck.) DODO: Hey, look at that then! STEVEN: No sky? DOCTOR: No sun, no clouds, merely a metal roof radiating some kind of light. STEVEN: It's extraordinary. (The DOCTOR jumps gently on the spot.) DOCTOR: Yes, and, plus something else... DODO: What's that? DOCTOR: (He stoops and pats the ground.) The earth, this...this ground we're standing on. It appears to be trembling, mm, mm. (His two young companions join him.) DODO: It is more Elephants coming? STEVEN: An earthquake building up? DOCTOR: No, it's...it's too regular for that. No, it's more...it's more of a mechanical vibration, hmm, yes. STEVEN: Look... DOCTOR: (Getting up.) Extraordinary! STEVEN: In what circumstances do you get all these things together? I mean, animals a...and vegetable life from different continents? DODO: With a metal roof and all this shaking? DOCTOR: There's only one thing that strikes me: this could be some kind of indoor nature park. STEVEN: Yes, but on this scale? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, improbable dear boy, but possible, definitely possible. DODO: But are we on Earth or...or... DOCTOR: Mmm? (DODO cannot finish her sentence as she sneezes again.) DOCTOR: Oh, bless you my dear. DODO: Oh, thanks. DOCTOR: You, er, have a handkerchief, I hope? DODO: 'Course I have. DOCTOR: Well then, use it, my child! We must do something about that cold of yours. That reminds me, why...why are you dressed in these stupid clothes, hmm? Have you been fruitling about in my wardrobe? Is that what it is? What do you think you're playing at, crusades? DODO: I'm not playing at anything. Is it all right to wear, or do I have to ask permission for that as well? DOCTOR: Yes, you do my dear. Now you take care of them. 'Cos you never know when we might use them. Now I suggest we take a last look round and, er, we'll get you off to bed. DODO: Arw, you're not going to send me home, are you? DOCTOR: Home? (Laughs.) What an idea, hmm? I couldn't send you home even if I wanted to. (He walks off.) DODO: (To STEVEN.) Oh, that's all right then. I think I'm beginning to enjoy this space travel or whatever it is. (She walks off. STEVEN smiles and walks off, not seeing the MONOID that has been watching them. It watches them go, then moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (The MONOID walks onto the control deck. A transporter trolley driven by another MONOID passes it and children play nearby as it goes up to ZENTOS and signals to him. After a short signed conversation, ZENTOS goes over to where the COMMANDER is examining a large plan with MELLIUM.) ZENTOS: Commander? COMMANDER: Yes, Zentos? ZENTOS: A strange report from the jungle. The Monoids acquaint us of intruders. COMMANDER: Intruders? But how can that be? How could they have entered it? ZENTOS: I've no idea. I'll try and trace them. (ZENTOS walks over to a control desk in the middle of the room which is covered with controls and small monitors.) MELLIUM: (To the COMMANDER.) But surely it's impossible for anyone to be in the jungle that we don't know about? Well where will they have come from? COMMANDER: I don't know. Perhaps when we see them. (An image of the jungle appears on the large screen. All the Guardians and MONOIDS turn and look up at it. The monitor camera passes across the trees and then stops as it catches sight of the DOCTOR and STEVEN.) ZENTOS: Here they are. COMMANDER: They look like human beings. But they can't be. We accounted for everyone. ZENTOS: Shall we not arrest them and bring them here and question them? MELLIUM: Father look! (The TARDIS is now shown on the screen.) MELLIUM: It seems to be their spaceship. It is an unusual design. (The COMMANDER takes ZENTOS to one side.) COMMANDER: Are we sure this is nothing to do with the Monoids? ZENTOS: Quite sure. It was they who reported it. COMMANDER: Good, then you're right - they must be questioned. (ZENTOS starts to walk away.) COMMANDER: (Smiling.) But Zentos...not arrested - invited. (ZENTOS walks away as MELLIUM and the occupants of the control deck continue to watch the screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ARK. JUNGLE DODO: Doctor, Steven, get a look at these fab pictures! (The DOCTOR and STEVEN walk over to her.) DOCTOR: Ah...fab, mm! My dear child, if you're going to be with us for any length of time, you'll have to do something about that English of yours. DODO: What's wrong with it? DOCTOR: Well, it's terrible child! Oh, it's most irritating! Hmm! (The DOCTOR moves over to a rock that DODO has found and looks at the pictures painted upon it.) DOCTOR: Oh, look at that now. Isn't that extraordinary? Ah, very interesting. It looks like a Zebra with two heads. STEVEN: Yes, well that could be the imagination of the artist. DOCTOR: Hmm, perhaps...and perhaps not. What then, mm? Hmm! Yes, we've already estab...er...established this place as illogical. Why shouldn't there be animals with two heads, hmm? STEVEN: No reason at all, except that the more we see of it, the less like Earth it becomes. (An alarm suddenly blares across the jungle.) DODO: What's that? Do you think somebody's seen us. STEVEN: There's only one way to find out. DOCTOR: Yes! (STEVEN runs a short way to find out the cause of the alarm...but stops in his tracks as he sees two MONOIDS examining the TARDIS. He runs back to his companions.) STEVEN: You were right. It is an alarm. They've found the TARDIS. I can't say I like the look of them. DODO: What's that? (The alarm stops.) STEVEN: They're coming this way, searching for us. DODO: There's a kind of cave there. STEVEN: Go on, you go ahead. DOCTOR: Yes, yes. (DODO moves off.) DOCTOR: What do they look like, dear boy? STEVEN: Terrifying! Is this is Earth, it's no longer inhabited by human beings. DOCTOR: Shh! You'll frighten the child! Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ARK. CAVE (The DOCTOR and STEVEN join DODO in the small cave. The DOCTOR signals to DODO to be quiet.) DODO: (Loud whisper.) What are they? Some ... DOCTOR: Now don't worry child, you're quite safe with us. DODO: Yeah, but supposing they have two hea...? (She cannot complete the sentence as she feels another sneeze coming on. STEVEN rushes over as covers her mouth as the MONOIDS are heard outside the cave. After a tense moment, the travellers hear them moving off.) STEVEN: (Quietly, to DODO.) Bless you. Remind me never to take you out again when you've got a cold. for us. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Now, let's try and get back to the TARDIS. Take care, this might be dangerous. (They start to move out. DODO sneezes.) STEVEN: (Harshly.) Keep quiet! (DODO turns her back on STEVEN as if upset.) STEVEN: What's the matter? Are you crying? DODO: No, me nose is running! DOCTOR: Just do as he says child! This may be very difficult. (They move out of the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. ARK. JUNGLE (STEVEN leads the way. He suddenly stops.) STEVEN: Doctor! (The DOCTOR joins him.) DOCTOR: Why yes, of course! Yes, ha ha! I know where I am now, yes indeed! (Laughs.) (Through the trees, on the horizon and below the metal roof, can be seen a series of buildings - the control deck and the inhabitation of the Guardians and the Monoids.) STEVEN: It looks like some sort of city, factory? DOCTOR: No, no dear boy, all this is a spaceship, hmm! STEVEN: (Incredulous.) A spaceship? DOCTOR: Yes, exactly! (Laughs.) DODO: (Nervously.) Hey Doctor? DOCTOR: Mmm? DODO: If this is a spaceship...what are they? (She points to the immediate jungle...from where MONOIDS rise out of various places of hiding. They are surrounded.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (A report prints out of the machine next to the COMMANDER'S desk as the travellers explain their origins.) COMMANDER: You travel in that black box? STEVEN: Yes. COMMANDER: (Intrigued.) Well, how are you able to make your spaceship enter ours? STEVEN: It isn't just a spaceship. It can travel anywhere in time or space. ZENTOS: (Suspiciously.) Why have you chosen to come here? STEVEN: Well, we didn't. It has a mind of its own. COMMANDER: (Laughs.) I don't understand. Experiments to pass through the fourth dimension were undertaken in the twenty-seventh segment of time. They were unsuccessful. How can anything so crude... STEVEN: Look, I told you before - the Doctor's the one who will tell you anything you want to know. (The COMMANDER signals an instruction to a MONOID as STEVEN watches.) STEVEN: May I ask a question also? ZENTOS: (Grabbing STEVEN'S arm.) No! COMMANDER: Why not? We're all friends here. (After a second, ZENTOS lets go of STEVEN.) STEVEN: Look, is this really a spaceship? This city and all that surrounds it? COMMANDER: Yes indeed! (The COMMANDER walks over to the control desk and points out the whereabouts of the control deck on an illuminated plan of the ark.) COMMANDER: Here we are. STEVEN: That's the biggest we've ever seen. Look, who are you...and these creatures that serve you? COMMANDER: Like you, we come from the Earth. (The COMMANDER looks over to where a MONOID is signing to ZENTOS.) COMMANDER: The origin of the Monoids is obscure. They came to Earth many years ago, apparently from their own planet which was dying. They offered us their invaluable services...for being allowed to come on this joint voyage. STEVEN: And where you are going? COMMANDER: Er, to Refusis II. The Earth also is dying. We have left it for the last time. STEVEN: The last time? COMMANDER: Yes, in a short time it will burn and be swallowed in the pull of the Sun. (MANYAK operates a control and an image of the Earth appears on one of the monitor screens built into the instrumentation deck.) STEVEN: Then we must have journeyed forward...millions of years! ZENTOS: (Stepping forward.) You yourself, I take it, are human? STEVEN: Why yes, of course. COMMANDER: Why do you doubt him? ZENTOS: They could be Refusians sent here to intercept us, to sabotage our mission. STEVEN: Refusians, from the planet you're headed for? COMMANDER: Explain. (Guardians step forward. ZENTOS raises his voice to stoke the crowd.) ZENTOS: We only know them as intelligence's that inhabit that planet. They might have a way of assuming human bodies, of using them to pass, to mingle amongst us! (The DOCTOR and DODO step through the crowd.) DOCTOR: (Smiling.) Oh, rubbish, rubbish! With all our imperfections, I can assure you sir, if you were to cut my skin, I would bleed, the same as you would. STEVEN: He's right. (DODO sneezes.) DOCTOR: There you see, complete with chills. ZENTOS: Chills? DOCTOR: A virus fever which used to be quite common to the human being. (The COMMANDER laughs.) COMMANDER: And cured so long ago, we've forgotten what it was like! Fascinating! Ah ha! It's like history coming to life. Tell me Doctor, if you cannot direct your spacecraft, your journeys must take you to some strange places. (Whilst the COMMANDER has been saying this, ZENTOS signals to a MONOID who signals back and walks off. MELLIUM, having witnessed this, walks up to ZENTOS.) MELLIUM: What were you telling him? ZENTOS: I wish to know more of the travellers spacecraft. MELLIUM: You do not trust the travellers? ZENTOS: I know nothing of them. Your father trusts them. MELLIUM: He knows no more than you. He simply has faith. ZENTOS: So have I...in my own eyes and ears, and machines tell fewer lies than men. (The two rejoin the COMMANDER and the time travellers as they finish their conversation.) DOCTOR: ...including the Daleks. COMMANDER: Nero, the Trojan wars, the Daleks! (To MELLIUM.) But all that happened in the first segment of time. DOCTOR: Segment? Er, to use your phrase sir, what "segment" are we in now? COMMANDER: The fifty-seventh. DOCTOR: Good gracious! We must have jumped at least...ten million years, hmm! STEVEN: When do you expect your journey to end? COMMANDER: Not for a long time. Neither I, nor my daughter Mellium, nor Zentos, will ever see the planet. That pleasure is reserved for our children's children, many years hence. STEVEN: How long from now? COMMANDER: Using your measurement of time, er, seven hundred years. DOCTOR: Seven hundred years, but why travel that far? Surely... COMMANDER: (Interrupting.) Only Refusis has the same conditions that we had on Earth. Atmosphere, water, the right temperature. STEVEN: Has anyone ever been there? COMMANDER: No, our knowledge is based purely on audio-space research. STEVEN: Hmm, no wonder you had to bring everything. At least two of each, you suppose. DODO: Like the ark? COMMANDER: the ark? DODO: Yeah, Noah's ark. You know, two-by-two. (She tuts as the COMMANDER still looks incomprehensible.) The flood! COMMANDER: I'm afraid I don't know. (The DOCTOR laughs.) COMMANDER: But we do have the Earth's full population - human and animal. DOCTOR: Yes but where sir? I can only see but a few people, hmm? COMMANDER: We are the Guardians. (The COMMANDER steps up to his control desk and switches on a monitor.) COMMANDER: The rest have been reduced to micro-cell...size. (An image appears of a room containing computer units and cabinets containing drawer upon drawer of shrunken humans.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. ARK. STORAGE CHAMBER (A MONOID works in the room as the COMMANDER describes its function.) COMMANDER: (OOV.) They are stored in trays and will re-emerge normally when we land. Each cabinet contains a million people. Oh yes! (He gives a short laugh.) There are many things aboard our ship which would interest a traveller. [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. ARK. CONTROL DECK (He turns to his daughter.) COMMANDER: Mellium, why don't you show the young people the statue? MELLIUM: Would you like to see it? DODO: It depends, what... STEVEN: (Quickly.) Yes, of course we would. Come on Dodo. MELLIUM: This way. (She leads them to one side of the control deck leaving the DOCTOR with the COMMANDER.) COMMANDER: While I am sure that you would be more interested in the technicalities of our control deck. DOCTOR: Oh yes, indeed! (The COMMANDER takes the DOCTOR over to the control desk and its instrument panels.) COMMANDER: Then I'll leave you with our chief controller, Manyak. He will explain everything. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The COMMANDER steps away as a slight noise echoes through the room. ZENTOS watches suspiciously.) DOCTOR: Now tell me, that, er, noise we heard just now, was that a flight adjustment? MANYAK: No sir, refuelling ... (On the other side of the control deck, MELLIUM shows STEVEN and DODO a giant pair of carved feet which stand on a huge plinth. In front of it is a transporter, driven by a MONOID, carrying building materials.) MELLIUM: Here it is - Homo Sapiens. Started on Earth, due to be completed just before the landing on Refusis. STEVEN: What? Seven hundred years to sculpt one statue? MELLIUM: Yes, we're constructing it by hand using the ancient methods. It's for our children and our children's children, so that they can watch it grow gradually as time goes by. (DODO has climbed some scaffolding blocks and is touching the feet.) DODO: What is it made of? You can't scratch it, can you? STEVEN: (Rushing forward.) Dodo! (To MELLIUM.) You'll have to watch her, she'll have the whole thing down. (He pulls DODO to the ground with a look.) MELLIUM: It's a substance called Gragarium rock. It'll last for ever. (MELLIUM climbs to the plinth and takes from a guardian the plan that she and her father were looking at earlier. She passes it down to STEVEN.) MELLIUM: Here's the finished design. (STEVEN opens up the plan. It shows a front and side view of the finished statue. A human holding the ark in his right hand.) DODO: Hey, that's gear! (An alarm echoes across the control deck.) DODO: What's that? All that carry on? (A loading bay door, near to the statue, opens. A transporter is driven through it and onto the deck. A MONOID lies still on the back of the transporter. Other MONOIDS follow. ZENTOS sees what it is carrying and walks over to the COMMANDER who is holding his hand to his head, as if in pain.) ZENTOS: Commander, the strange disease, the fever is spreading among the Monoids! COMMANDER: I can hardly hear you Zentos. It's so hot. What's happened to the temperature? (He stumbles to the floor next to the control desk.) ZENTOS: Commander? (The DOCTOR starts to look over the sick MONOID. ZENTOS starts to get frantic.) ZENTOS: The Commander too - he has the strange fever! The fever brought by the strangers! MELLIUM: What is it? What's wrong? ZENTOS: Stay away from them Mellium - and from your father. (She ignores him and rushes over to the old man.) MELLIUM: But what is it? COMMANDER: (Weakly.) I don't know. I'm not sure, but Zentos is right. Stay away. (The DOCTOR walks round to the COMMANDER.) ZENTOS: Don't touch him! DOCTOR: We may be able to help. DODO: (Reassuringly, to MELLIUM.) It's nothing to worry about. His temperatures a bit high, that's all. It's just a fever. It can only be a cold. (The DOCTOR looks perturbed. He takes STEVEN to one side, not seeing that ZENTOS is listening intently.) DOCTOR: Do you realise what this means, dear boy? STEVEN: What's all the fuss about? The man's caught Dodo's cold, that's all. DOCTOR: All? All? These people, this generation, have never experienced the common cold - for the simple reason it was wiped out many generations ago before they were born. They have no resistance to it. STEVEN: What'll happen? DOCTOR: I don't quite know, I don't know. But it might be fatal and we shall be to blame. Yes, it's all our fault and I should have foreseen it! (ZENTOS has had enough. He rushes over to the other Guardians and starts shouting...) ZENTOS: Do you hear that? Did I not try and warn the Commander? I told you these people were evil. DODO: But it wasn't my fault. How was I supposed to know? MANYAK: (Over at the transporter.) The sick Monoid - he's dead! (The time travellers rush over to see.) ZENTOS: Seize them! (The travellers are grabbed. ZENTOS rushes up to the COMMANDER'S dais and addresses the crowd.) ZENTOS: (Shouts.) All of you listen! The success of all we stand for, everything aboard this spaceship is suddenly endangered by the strange fever, a fever brought by these strangers in our midst! DOCTOR: But I... ZENTOS: (Shouts.) I invoke the special galactic law against them. Hold them, take them into custody and later, they will be made to suffer for the crime that they have committed! STEVEN: Look, listen to us! ZENTOS: Take them away! (The travellers are dragged away. ZENTOS steps down and goes over to where MELLIUM is tending to her near-unconscious father.) MELLIUM: What about my father? ZENTOS: (Quietly.) He may well die - but then again, so might all of us. In which case, it was pointless leaving. (He turns and looks at the giant monitor screen on which is shown the Earth as it travels on to its doom...)

The Doctor and his companions Steven Taylor and Dodo Chaplet arrive some ten million years into the future, on board a generation starshipwhich is carrying the last of humanity away from an Earth that is about to fall into the Sun. However, the cold that Dodo has could prove devastating to these future humans and their servants, the Monoids.

fd_Glee_01x17

fd_Glee_01x17_0

SCENE 1: Music Room-Some students are in the room. Students look at a computer with a laugh. We see that this is a video or a woman vigorously on a song. Finn, Rachel and Jesse arrive. Finn: Why you marrez? Rachel: You watch the video or not I get on stage at my first competition of mini-miss, I hope. Kurt: No, that was just laughable compared to this amazing feat! (The others continue to giggle). Jesse: It's "physical" by Olivia Newton-John.Ca clip is still a really innovative for its time, given its representation of bisexuality ... Mercedes: Oh, I believe it! This is too funny, look! Finn: But it's not Olivia Newton-John, it's Sue Sylvester! Or do you get that? Kurt: ... What is certain is that I have certainly not stolen from a secret drawer of his desk when she sent for me its hormone replacement during training of leaders ... cheers-(Students have complied with laughter) Artie: (between laughs). Wait, it do not come from a reel arm there?! Finn: (approaching the computer). We must put it on the net! Rachel: (stopping him). No, wait, you're sure it's a good idea, it could kill us if she found out ... Mercedes: Come on, let him taste a little humiliation she has endured. Jesse: I agree with Finn.Il must stop behaving like cowards, it's time to show the world that you're tough. Finn: (Taking the computer). I paris what you want everyone to be seen by lunch. SCENE 2: Sue-Lane High School students and dragged in the corridors Sue walks in the corridors and many students approach it. Student: Well, miss Sylvester, anyone, a little dance? Sue: You're not my type but I like your side goes inside. (She continues to walk and crosses two players). Footballer: Well, Sue, your arm movements, it's hot! (He joined the action to the parole.Sue stops and starts comprendre.Elle takes a distraught air). SCENE 3: Office-Figgins Figgins, Sue and Will Sue: The glee club has stolen private property and posted it on the internet and as soon as I understood the nuance between attack and slander, I fully intend to complain. Figgins: Sue ... Will: Do not you think you are overreacting a bit? Sue: I'd never noticed how your chin like a baby's ass, it's crazy! (Will sighs). This video has already received 170,000 comments, I took the liberty to print the most disgusting. (She gives a sheet Figgins). Figgins: (reading aloud). "The guy on this video looks like the famous coach-leaders of cheers, Sue Sylvester. " Sue: It's probably one of the most revolting. Will: (laughing). You know, Sue, there's a lot of people qi love you in this school, my students do not make this stuff. Sue: Well, well ... (she published two other leaves she gives Will and Figgins) ... exhibit. Will: (stunned). What is this "GList"? Sue: This is a list of glee club.Un weekly rankings of your dear students, based on criteria related to their popularity debauchery sexuels.Tout else has been there a heure.Apparemment, you earn 1 point for every act of depravity. Will: (surprised). And what makes you say that this is one of my students who did this? Figgins: The list was typed was the driver DLL and apparently, the password was "glee club". Sue: Your nice little club is in fact nothing but a nest of perverts! Figgins: Sue is right, Will.Pas later than last year, someone posted a similar list with the names of 10 of the ugliest red school! And the author was expelled if it was not a member of the teaching staff! (He turns to look at Sue). Sue: I fully accept this list ... Figgins: William, it's very serious, I can not accept a sexualized environment that students and undermines their self-esteem! Flashback-room music-Rachel Rachel sees the "GList" and the bed. Rachel: (reading). "Who's on top, which is the flop? " She reads the sheet to the end and realizes she is last on the list, then it tears the GList. Back in the office Figgins Sue: A week ago, if I had discovered a list of the glee club, I would have been embarrassed before we think about me, but now that I have experienced the nightmare of public humiliation, I know how much it hurts. Figgins: William, High School "Deton West ', last year, a picture of the headmaster was posted on the net. Sue: And what was it? Figgins: From women's lingerie! Sue: And what was he doing? Figgins: It was the pony! Sue: And who was expelled? Figgins: The whole school! Sue: (talking to Will). Yes, the whole school has been expelled, Will! Will: But what does that have to do with the kids? Figgins: It has everything to do with the kids, Will.Vous need to find out who created this list and suspend the student before he begins, otherwise I will keep the whole choir to charge! Will: (panicked). Are you serious? Figgins: Oh yes, I'm serious, I do not want any nonsense of that kind in this school! Sue: He does not want any nonsense of that kind in this school! SCENE 4: Living-Will and music students Will stands before the students, looking serious. Will: (showing the list). It's from that? (Students stare in silence). Extrênement This is serious, Figgins outright threat to dissolve the club. Santana: And if we stopped this game, we all know that this is Puck. Puck: Well, enters your claws, I not done anything. Tina: So why your girlfriend is first on the list? Rachel: And why I am the last, partly because of the fact that I refused to offer myself to you? Will: (intervening). Ok, enough, we stop at that acccuser nimporte tort.Puck, seriously, it comes from you? Puck: I told you not! Ok, I'm a rebel, I like to start fires and beating total strangers, yeah I agree ... But I'm not a liar! Will: ... Look, the problem is that between this list and the posting of the video Mme.Sylvester, you start having bad reputation. Artie: And why is it a problem? Maybe if we looked more dangerous, people stop throwing my glasses in the toilet! Will: (starting to hand out sheets). I know that right now it's not easy, you're all very stressed because of regional, and I know that winning selections did not have much effect your reputation you would like. But turn you into what you hate, this is not the solution! Mercedes: (after reading the paper). This song is rotten. WILL: No, you got tort.C is one of the great songs in the list of tubes, which due to the weather and bad press have become ridicules.Et like you it's time to launder its bad reputation. Your work for each week is to find a song like this, to pick what is good in and of réabiliter.Ensuite, with any luck, you can apply this song to your privacy. Jesse: This song should be banned for abuse of crap. (Everyone laughs) Will: (advancing to the piano). Want to bet? (Students giggle) Will sings "Ice, Ice Baby." At the end, everyone applauded enthusiastically. Will: This song has been officially handed to the taste of today! You're okay, Jesse? Jesse: Ok, yeah! I admit defeat on this one. SCENE 5: Hall of professors and other teachers Sue Most teachers are now coming in manger.Sue salle.Elle see that everyone looks laughing or making gestures recalling his video. Sue thought: No, I must be being rêver.Les mocking laughter you hear in slow motion, are but the fruit of your imagination.Tu are Sue Sylvester, a legend, they laugh at you because of the video where you dance, calm down, calm down! Help yourself a little cawa quietly (she joined the action to the word), and refocuses up! A second, what's that smell?! (She feels his cup). Oh my god, it's the smell of coffee! Usually it is masked by the smell of fear ... Pity lord, all this is real? A room full of hurricanes lower than you're used to terrorize mocks thee indeed, in slow motion! Professor: (interrupting her thoughts). Hi, my name is Brenda.Brenda Castle.J 'teaching at For-Wen but I've just been mutated ici.Je no longer have the right to teach in Indiana to because of an addiction to drugs and small excesses that led me to commit a shooting ... (Sue looks weird). I saw your video. (She laughs). And I must say that you are bouffones ... the worst we have ever seen! And coming from me it's something! (She continues to laugh and Sue goes). SCENE 6: Corridor of the school-Rachel and Artie Rachel: I'm going to need the help of audio visual club. Artie: Why, you cooked something? Rachel: See me like that in the last position of the GList me my image is evaluated in this école.Et more, I realized that in a society celebrating the rebels offenders or even the s*x tape, a reputable n 'valorisant.Artie was nothing, you know Schuester asked us to find a song with a bad reputation and réabiliter? Well mine will allow me to have the worst reputation of any school. The Rachel Berry that you have before you will finally dévergonder a bit. Artie: Say no more, I'm OK since you mentioned the word "s*x." I can help you. Rachel: So hang on to your wheel well, because Rachel Berry is about to turn into a man-eater music by proxy. SCENE 7: Kurt-room music, Tina, Mercedes, Artie and Brittany Kurt: (addressing the group). My dear fellow ... I have invited you to this little meeting because our respective reputations are at risk. (Tina, Mercedes and Artie look at him wearily). We are year Phase terminal. Mercedes: We are already dead, our names do not even appear on the damn list. Kurt: What does Lindsay Lohan when her name does not appear in a newspaper people for over a week? It manages to cause a scandal so extreme that nobody can ignore it. Artie: (raising his hand). Uh, sorry but, why she is here, it? (It means that Brittany is sitting alone in a corner). Brittany: I have not changed since the end of the course of chant.J 'had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same temps.Maintenant, I remember how we lève.Et I know not why I am only the fourth liste.J 'kind I kissed everybody in this llycée.Les girls, guys, Mr. Kine, the janitor ... I must do something to reach the top 3. Kurt: All right, you are taken ... (everyone sighs) Mercedes: Kurt, for what? We even have a plan yet! Kurt: What the worst thing a student can do in this school? Tina: (ironically). Eat in the cafeteria? (She and Mercedes giggle). Kurt: No! Cause disorder in the bibliothèque.Et I do not mean just to try to borrow a encyclopédie.Je talking about real anarchy is généralisée.On cheek "total glee" on the shelves. (The others are beginning to approvewith smiles). Artie: It takes a genius! SCENE 8: Hospital, House of John's sister Sue and John Sue: I never realized all the pain that teasing could causer.En especially when the jokes are going to ralenti.Je gives the impression of being invincible, but, damn ... (She puts her hand on his sister). John I'm sorry if you've ever felt ça.J 'you should have more protection. John: But you do not remember what we were doing all the time, Sue?(Sue frowns). When I was a little sad, it would help the animal shelter to give love! (Sue's face lights up as if she had an idea). Sue: Because there will always be someone less fortunate than us. SCENE 9: Office of Emma-Sue and Emma Emma: ... Or is it that your point exactly? Sue: I was probably sûre.Tu're wondering what Sue Sylvester meant, when she tells you: I am your therapist Nouvele? (Emma nods). Well let me explain ... As you probably already know, I appear in a clip that was recently posted on the net.c is a video that tends to get people to laugh at me in slow motion . Emma: (embarrassed). No ... I was not ... I was not aware ... Sue: Well, this video has changed Sue Sylvester.Ele encouraged to give more love. It happens that I have an aster in psychologie.Et when I learned that the only psychologist Academy had committed suicide, and although I decided to graciously offer my services.Et I was given your nom.J 'would really give you a hand. Emma: I'm not sure what to think. Sue: Anna, you have a mental Maadie and you must soigner.Tes ridiculous compulsions prevent you from seeing a vérité.Tu're almost married a gym teacher who looks more like a pork roast than a man, and you let you do when the man you pretend to love lies to you constantly. Emma: (surprised). I beg your pardon? Sue: I paid the owner of listening to stash under the sofa the baby salon.Et under his bed, although it is sûr.Il drove shovels to the teacher's voice and that adrenaline is made impromptu sleepovers with this hot shorts is: April Rhodes. Emma: (shocked and stunned). Oh my god! Sue: We'll have to hit hard, my great. (She gets up, leans on the desk and approached Emma). You really sucks too! Emma: Excuse me? Sue: You make small strides ridiculous when you walk, as if you had growing up in Imperial Japan and you'd been tied ankles! Emma: I take note of that remark. Sue: Be a man, I'm trying to insult you and you refuse to defend yourself, and why? Because you seek to avoid confrontation! Emma: You're right ... Sue: If you want to get better, we must put you to express what you feel deep inside yourself! You to do and know Will Schuester what you really think! And in a public place, he can not escape. Or you manipuler.Fais trust me, you have to make him his birthday! SCENE 10: Chamber of Puck and Rachel-Rachel Rachel: You knew that we had given a nickname when you did together?"Puckelberry". Puck: (playing with the affairs of Rachel). This is so humiliating. Rachel: The fact is that ... go out with me ... has improved your réputation.Ca gave you a certain level of humanity! Puck: (rising). A minute, this is why you invited me? In order to get back together? Rachel: I am not free and you sais.Mais I think I could help you. Help me with my song for club.Je am perhaps the last chance you have of being saved from your kicki ation and stay in chorale.Et then, did you need a song that you will sing all your unhappiness! Puck: Did you intend to sing it exactly? Rachel: (enthusiastic). I have chosen a title of David Guedes, the tube of the 70's so great, "Run, Joey, Run"! Puck: Uh ... Rachel: It tells a story, it means we can interpret the roles! I'll play the tragic heroine who dies in the end, so Nicole Kidman in "Moulin Rouge", and you can play the role of hero super sexy. Puck: It is I who have nothing? Rachel: Uh, well, actually it was my father who shot me with a gun. Puck: (sighing and sitting on the bed). You think this is what have I done the GList, honestly? Rachel: Well, we must recognize that it is your type, right? Puck: I'm sick that I always judge a few small mistakes I have made ... (Rachel smiles, compassionate). I go to high school and I said: "Be cool, Puck, do not bullshit! . "Only an hour after I found a fire extinguisher in hand, trying to water a TOP type. (Rachel sits in turn on the bed). Without knowing what happened. Rachel: I totally understand, yeah ... When I'm in glee club and I have to put imperfect interpretations, one after another and a litany of criticism begins to bubble in the middle like lava from a Volcano, I do what I can to say nothing but it always ends not explode! In general I'm right, admittedly, but ... it not improve my reputation. Puck: It is true that it's annoying when you do it. (He laughs and gets closer to Rachel a little more). Rachel: So, what do you think we should do to make people change their minds about us? Puck: I do not know ... (He leans over to kiss him but a few millimeters from her face, Rachel pushes him away). Rachel: No, stop, I can not do that! Puck: You know, the guy who did this will put you in the first place if he knew that you were wrong with me ... Jessi (Rachel hesitates). And Jessi really never understand what it means to be Jewish. (It is repenche towards her but she rejects him again). Rachel: No ... I ... I'm really fascinated by your image of bad boy but I think it is necessary that all that remains professional ... Puck: (rising from bed and getting ready to go). Ok, without me, why I would stay even if you can not combine business with pleasure? Rachel: But ... (she rises). Puck, I beg you aasseoir back and work together on the project ... OK? It will help us both, I promise ... right? (She takes his hand and leads him into the center of his room). SCENE 11: In addition to the staff room and Emma-Sue Emma Sue leads by the hand along the wall outside the room professeurs.La room is full of teachers. Emma: Wait, I'm not sure there arriver.T ''re sure it's a good idea? Sue: Evidemment.Ne not think about him, this is for you that you do. (They arrive at the door of the room). Emma: Ok ... Ok I will. Sue: Oh, I can not go in there, there are people who laugh at me in slow motion inside. Brenda: (arriving at their height). Oh, but look who's here, it seemed to me that I had felt a naff! Sue: Do not start to annoy me with your dirty mouth or I'll tear your teeth one to one! (Emma attends the exchange without saying anything). Brenda: Ok, I'm waiting, you will not be the first to have tried to confront you in me, cum otter! (It grows in va.Sue Sue then opened the staff room and brought Emma.Will chats with an old lady who looks back Emma). Sue: (to Emma). Ready to play. (Emma advance in the room). Emma: Excuse me! Will: Oh, would you grant us a second, please? Emma: Actually, non.Je can not give you a seconde.Désolée, you will have to submit your session tampering with Mrs. Carlisle later! (Will turns, as shocked as Mrs. Carlisle.Les other teachers watching the scene). Will: Emma! Ms. Carlisle: Oh, I beg your pardon? Mr Schuester and I were talking only of the recent death of my husband ... (She bursts into tears). Emma: Wow! You the mugs directly to funerals, now! (Will is abasourdi.Les other teachers start to laugh. Emma speaks to the assembly). Nobody is immune, ladies, save yourselves! Will: You can talk privately? Emma: No! No, Will ... There's talk now because I have absolutely nothing to hide, you know? Besides, you knew I was following a therapy? You knew it or not? I tried to treat my OCD so that you and I are both! You think it's funny? Bah and no, it's very humiliating even, indeed! And meanwhile, you called you batifoles with Shelby? And you sleep with April Rhodes? Will: Uh .... How did you know about this? Emma: You deny it anyway! Well, I thought you wanted to make it work between us ... and when you have sdis that you needed a little time to see more clearly, I thought you were really sincere! But comedy has enough time, and now things are changer.J 'have decided to assert myself and never let me do ... You're a drag, Will! You're a slut! (The other teachers look away laughing). I say aloud, Will Schuester is a trail and everyone should know! (Talking to Will). And as for you, know that it's over between us! (The court then turned to Ms. Carlisle). I offer my condolences ... (She leaves). SCENE 12: Library-the library manager, Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, Artie and Brittany Kurt, Tina, Mercedes, Artie and Brittany arrive at the library in costume very colorés.Kurt verifies there are people. Mercedes: The rush hour has arrived! Artie: I think I'm going to deflate ... Brittany: You deflate where? Leader: Hush! Kurt: Ok friends, it is temps.Si we manage our time, we will be legends in the eyes of tous.Et will be on the GList, in the top 5 facile.Artie, volume maximum.Que the show! They begin to sing and dance on the song "U can 'touch this." Initially, the librarian seems outraged. Librarian: It was really mignon.Je'll talk to my pastor and see if you could interpret it come to the office on Sunday. (Students are broken). SCENE 13: In the office of Will-Will and students in the choir Will takes each student individually to question them about the GList and discover responsable.A turn, students defend themselves, a little angry. Will and Finn Will: Listen all this does not please me more than you, but if I do not find out who made the GList and I did not stop him from sending in another, the glee club will dissoout and I can not accept it. Finn: Uh ... I know I looked angry lately and I kicking chairs from time to time but it was not me, I swear! Will: All that proves is that you, Finn.Tu have decided to publish this list to take revenge of autres.Quinn you've broken my heart, you have been betrayed Puck, Kurt has stowed away his father with your mother and I know that ... Will and Mercedes Will: ... everything has not always been rosy with Santana and Brittany. Mercedes: I have absolutely nothing against Santana! And I like Brittany!It is Quinn who has a grudge against her! Will: Acknowledges that a number of cheers on this liste.Et-leaders acknowledge that you always feel a little away from this group! Mercedes: I do not know what you mean, and I love cheers-be leaders, and why everyone thinks I'm angry all the time, it's called having personality, sir! Will and Artie Artie: It's a simple matter of logic, the list was up to 1m69 in height, so technically it can not be me! And I know for sure ... Will and Tina Tina: ... I saw Puck display the list in the hallway. Will and Puck Puck: What? I made the move, she was on the record of Rachel, so I took it off, a true mec.J EMMC was trying to be nice! Will: Puck, you can not lie forever, then gives birth! Puck: If it were me I would not put in issue 3, level rebellious attitude I'm number one so I repeat, I am innocent! Will and Brittany Brittany: I did not know how to turn on the computer. Will and Quinn Quinn: It was Rachel. (Will frowns). It's obvious, I stole the guy that it kiffait, and then the one with whom she went out to forget the guy that it kiffait.Et I a real bitch with her. Will: No, it's not his style. Quinn: I remind you that you have already lied before! And then you say that there is only one culprit? Will and Kurt Will slap of fists on the table. WILL: I know you have information, you will not get out until I have answers! (Kurt looks without expressing any sense). Kurt: Mr. Schuester, can I show live? Will: (sigh). I'm listening. Kurt: Since you are separated from your wife you spend most of your evenings in front of reruns of New York, police, does not it? (Will no response). I was sûr.Et, no, I have not done this GList. Will: (discouraged). Ok ... SCENE 14: Corridor of the school-Kurt, Tina, Mercedes and Artie Kurt: We are as helpless as babies muppets.Ce which means our reputations wimps remained perfectly intact. Artie: We have to do something you never fait.Un something even scarier than the personality of Rachel. (The others look interrogative). Must go to tell him that Ona Sylvester posted the video . Tina: But ... We will get kicked! Kurt: It may be worth the coup.Les other students will consider us as people finally ... dangerous ... [SCENE_BREAK] SCENE 15: Office of Sue-Sue Sue wrote in his diary. Sue thought: Dear diary, I do not know how long I'll still endure this humiliation. (She emphasizes the word "humiliation". More than 3 million people have already seen my vidéo.Mon misfortune would it be a form ofrevenge for the way I treat people? (The phone rings, Sue sighed before landing). Sue: Yeah, you talk to Sue. Olivia Newton John: Hello, Sue? This is Olivia Newton John. (We see him talking on the phone in a limo). The star of Grease, the musical's most profitable of all time! Sue: It's very funny, let me say that this is a ridiculous imitation! (She hangs up, Olivia's surprise). Sue thought: Journal, I understood the leçon.Sue Sylvester should start to play nice, full-time. (The phone rings again, and Sue wins). Olivia: Hi, it was cut, I crois.C is Olivia Newton John, I released a record seven titles have been number 1. Sue: Sing one of your songs. (Olivia runs. She began singing "Physical". Sue can not believe it). Olivia: This title was the biggest hit of the year 80.Ecoutez Sue, I realize now the opening ceremony of a reserve for koalas orphelins.Mais, I heard my daughter Chloe guffaw before a clip circulating on the net the other day and I saw your vidéo.Et, I had to ask you, what may well push someone to do something like that? Sue: Well, to be honest, Olivia, this video was definitely not supposed to be made publique.Certaines fimées people like to be in the process of sending into the air like rabbits, but I think it is that I fimée rather be by reviewing the classics of dance aerobics. Olivia: Well it made me réfléchir.Ce title was the biggest hit of my career, "Physical" stayed 10 weeks in first place. Sue: Yeah, it's a classic. Olivia: Oh, I agree. Only I bungled its release the video, which, incidentally, was the first music video in history, but there were all these obese pants tight, and it was perhaps a little song has extrême.La souffert.Mais then I saw your video on the net, Sue.Et I thought I could maybe even be through sauver.Peut vous.Je to go to Ohio for a work deemain deforestation Clean Islands. Sue: Or you're getting? SCENE 16: Corridor of the school-Will and some students and teachers Will walking down the hall and is approached by students and professeurs.Il crosses first a student. Student: You assure Schuester! Sue: Hi obsessed. Brenda: Will Schuester? Will: Yes? Brenda: I'm Brenda Castle, the new professor of astronomy and badminton. (It takes one s arm and walked with him). It happens that I am also an alcoholic and addict médocs.Il seems that this is your kind of femme.Si we went to this office to copulate?! Will: (shocked). But no, finally! (He emerges and in va.Au passage, he met Figgins.) Figgins: I pray you, William, we've all heard about your debauchery! Will: (shouting). But nothing happened! (He turns and comes face to face with Ken.) Ken: It's not the most important, Will.T 'have broken the heart of a poor woman who was suspicious of everyone already. Will: I did not want to hurt anyone. Ken: Like you did not want to hurt me, too. But now I have to eat 6000 calories kg-day if not I will forget my grief. (He leaves.) Sue: Trail. (Will sighs). SCENE 17: In front of the office of Sue-Kurt, Artie, Tina, Mercedes and Brittany Artie: Remember, if Sylvester hits you after you for the video, above all, do not cry like a girl. Mercedes: It's really brave what you do Kurt. Kurt: I know ... thank you ... Mercedes: (seeing Sue get off). Oh my god! (Kurt turns terrified and then walk up to it). Kurt: Miss Sylvester, I could talk a minute? Sue: What do you want? Kurt: ... you certainly know that a video was posted by you the laughing stock of national ... (he takes a deep breath). Stolen tape in your special drawer syringes and was on is internet.Nous accept the punishment you deem necessary ... Sue: So it was you ... (she starts to smile). I can not thank you enough. (Va.Kurt it in turns to the small group that awaits him, stunned). SCENE 18: Kurt-Library, Tina, Artie, Brittany and Mercedes Artie: So she was not angry at all? It is weird. Tina: Maybe the reviews were radoucis.Et that people are beginning to have pity on her. And as they sympathize, they feel valued. Kurt looking on the net's video and Sue is another side: "Physical video-Sue Sylvester and Olivia Newton John." Kurt: Wait a second, take a look on it! They watch vidéo.Il is a new clip shot on "Physical" by Olivia Sue and homes with muscular doing sport. Mercedes: Wow! More, more, more, more! (The others join it). Kurt: I really need to learn to dance like them. SCENE 19: Music Room-Will and students of the choir Will: So ... Your young men will soon terminée.Si attention.La week does not pass the guilty to confess, this whole situation will no longer depend moi.Et it will be the Principal Figgins slicing. Finn: Seriously, Mr. Schuester, the one who made this list does denounce pas.On has only tighten the buttocks and wait for the penalty falls! Will: (looks at students towers towers). Perfect ... Okay, so in this case, let's start! Rachel, we present your project in a bad reputation. (She gets up and gets put in front of everyone with a smile). Rachel: I would like to say a few words before tout.Bien being aware that a movie has apropre s explanation, I know some here are not scholars of the complex language of art cinéatographique.Je obviously waiting for me to this video is completely above the head of instruct less of you. (Brittany smiles). Well, I just wanted to say ... I hope you enjoy my bad reputation!Light ... It's good. (It starts the video). On the video, Rachel performs "Run Joey Run", accompanied at first by Puck and Jesse Finn.Quand boys discover that Rachel has "betrayed" for the clip, he is stunned and in the end colère.A film, only Rachel Quinn, Brittany and Santana applaudissent.Rachel gets up to once again put before the lights groupe.Les reviennent.Puck, Jesse and Finn look edgy. Rachel: Well, we just have to ... take a minute or two to absorb what we have to look! Finn: What is this sh1t?! Will: Finn! Puck: No, he's right! Already I have to learn to listen to me more because I knew that no recording to sh1t! Will: (trying to intervene). Puck! Jesse: Why hast thou not said they would also play into it?! I thought we were going out! Share the bill with two other guys who also interpret the role of your boyfriend, I find it mortifying! Rachel: It was an art prize party! Finn: No, not at all! You just wanted to give the impression that many guys you turn around and never seem like a marginal and give you a picture of a gun singer and shameless! (Finn gets up and comes just before it). I can not believe you've done something like that ... To me and autres.Tu not tell me that your reputation is more valuable than your friends! (He leaves, followed not Jesse). Jesse, waiting! SCENE 20: Hospital-House of John and Sue Jean Sue is lying on the bed with John. John: I saw your clip, Sue.Tu are sensational! Sue: Thank you, Jean.Tu always manages to find the right words to comfort me when I perdue.Tout what I need is to change your attitude! I had forgotten how good it was to give love ... I worried so much about what everyone would be able to think well of me! While there is only one person in the world, I want to impress. John: Who? Sue: Who? You idiot! And when I returned to the cafeteria for teachers, yesterday, I have calmly informed my meteoric rise as surprising as in show biz, and I told them very politely that I had nothing to do with thatthey thought of me! -Flashback-Sue staffroom and other teachers Sue waving papers Sue: What do I see? Gosh! Sue Sylvester has a clip on a tube placed in the top 700 band rednecks! Then they laugh more, eh? Back to the hospital Sue: Because Olivia NJ has already given his recipe for freshwater manatees, I decided to leave the intégralités of my profits to retraite.Ah this house, this is not much ... I was literally f*cked Oivia in the negotiations ... I'll dance with her again, that's for sure! But certainly good enough to pay it a few benches behind the summer. Maybe even a vegetable garden, or you shall grow your vegetables! John: That would be really cool! Sue: Yeah ... After all these years, how it is possible that you always know in more than me about these topics? John: I'm the smartest. (Sue laughs). Sue: And the prettiest, too, it's disgusting! John: Oh, thank you ... Sue: Well, if we read a story? (She takes out a book). John: Ok! Sue: (showing the front cover). You see, in these two little bears? John: It's you and me? Sue: Exactly, I'm big. John: And I'm small. Sue: Yes, and you you're the petit.Et what is written? Jean: (reading). "I will always love you." Sue: And I also love you. Always ... SCENE 21: Office of Will and Emma-Emma Will arrives in the office of Emma with a bouquet of flowers. Will: Hi. (He closes the door). I brought you flowers ... (He hands her the bouquet). Emma: (taking the bouquet). They are very nice, thank you. Will: (sitting). Uh ... I f*cked up, Emma.Je believe in all this ... discovery of myself, I had to make some bad détours.Et I comprens that these deviations ... stink ... have ... blesser.Mais you, now I know that's not what I want at the bottom of moi.Ni ... or what ever I want. Emma: I know what is supposed to happen maintenant.Je'm supposed to smile and see how you discovered about yourself and rejoice that so much to you to hold me, but ... I can not. Will: But, I assure you Emma, I feel too mal.Et I want ... I want you to see me again as you saw me before. Emma: I can not ... you know ... But it's a good bar.c 'is true, if you really want it to work one day between us, so ... should we start to see themselves as that it is actually both. (Will sighs). Thanks for the flowers. Leaving the hall, Will observes Quinn.Elle is jostled by everyone. SCENE 22: Music Room-Quinn and Will Will: I know it was you who made the list. Quinn: You have no proof! I can not believe you wanted me to blame! I'm going to evict! After all, it would logique.Je mean, all I had before I perdu.Ma popularity, have my little, my beautiful body, then throw as much ... with my education! Will: You know when I knew it was you? (Quinn shook his head negatively). By the time I saw what it was like to be in your situation.Ca takes years to get a good réputation.Mais just a few seconds for the wrong decision and we détruire.Une changes from top to bottom ... trou.Tu've lost so much, Quinn, eh? Autreent said, it was you who had the most to gain from this GList. Quinn: (starting to cry). I swear I did not want to hurt anyone! Will: I know ... Quinn: I was captain of the team-leaders of cheers, club president of abstinence, I had Finn ... The crowd parted like the first two red when I crossed the couloir.Mais I became invisible. Will: And ... you think being seen as an easy girl that is better? Quinn: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all. Will: (sigh). I know it seems like life stops at your high school âge.Mais this is not the case! You'll give this baby to a family that really wants, which will like very much! And then you will live a unique Quinn, I promise. Quinn: Do you really think I can get any one day? Will: No! I think you can still have mieux.Je mean, after all, you're Quinn Fabray, sh1t! (Quinn smiles). The crowd parted not only Mantua, the obligeais you to deviate just by your attitude! Quinn: Thank you sir are a prf Schuester.Vous great, even if everyone says you are wave drag. Figgins enters the room. Figgins: vouiez You see me, William? You have discovered that this creates GList? (He notes that Quinn dry her tears). Will: Non.J 'I asked all my students and ... kedal.Aucun has confessed to fait.Et to be quite honest, I think. Figgins: (turning his attention to Will). Do not try to butter me up. I refuse to let this school taken hostage by enfantilages so. Will: I know, and ... your message is passé.L author recommencé.On should not be content with this victory and forget about it. Figgins: (looking again Quinn). Perfect ... (He wears his look at Will). I always pray for you, Will. (He leaves). Quinn: Thank you. SCENE 23: Corridor of the school-Rachel and Jesse Rachel opened her casier.En the closing, she contaste that Jesse is right next to it. Rachel: Hi ... uh ... you're still angry against me? Jesse: Before I transferred here to make out with you, I inquired about the image people had of you in this school. Rachel: And ... what did they say? Jesse: Most knew who you were. Those who knew said that you had damn good air quality but that was canceled by your need to always be right and your strange fascination with wearing sweaters with animals it. (Rachel looks at her clothes but keep your head up). But the most interesting is that, although there was not many people that you really like, they all said that you were someone confidence. Rachel: I still am, believe me! I suffer from a pathological need to be popular, OK? I really want everyone thinks I'm cool I admit it can sometimes distort my jugement.Mais as a future star, I'm sure you too Paux understand that! Jesse: As a future star, Yes.but as a guy who has everything to do with you planted its elected I just can not pardonner.J you 'should have enough for you, Rachel! Rachel: I knew you would break my heart. Jesse: That's what's funny with the wave réputations.Tout sees me as a heart-breaker, but the truth, ultimately, is that you broke mine before. (Rachel seems to regret it it did). do me a favor, if we find ourselves side by side at the helm of the dance club this week, do your arabesques and your stakes in silence, and especially do not talk to me. (He va.Rachel, disoriented remains stuck doing nothing). SCENE 24: Music Hall-The whole group Rachel sang the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart", accompanied by Jesse, Puck and Finn.A the end of the song, everyone goes, including Jesse, leaving Rachel alone with Will and musicians.

When the "Glist" - a salacious list about the sexual exploits of the glee club members - circulates the halls of McKinley High, Will begins an investigation. He discovers Quinn to be the culprit, motivated by her distress at her loss of social status as a result of her pregnancy, but does not turn her in to Principal Figgins. Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, Tina and Brittany misbehave in an attempt to gain bad reputations, but their plans repeatedly backfire on them. Sue is mortified when a video of her rendition of Olivia Newton-John 's classic " Physical " is unearthed, but ends up being contacted by Newton-John herself to produce a new version.

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[Scene: A Coffee house.. Joey is drinking some coffee while writing in a journal. We are hearing what she is writing. We then see a scene with Jen and Grams selling stuff in a yard sale. Then Jack and Pacey moving out of the apartment. Next we Joey taking an order at a small café. Next we see Audrey studying at the library for summer school. Next we see Doug open his apartment door to find Pacey standing outside with a huge smile on his face. Next Dawson is cleaning of some tables outside his mother's restaurant. Finally to Joey rowing her boat over to Dawson's House, climbing up the ladder to Dawson's Room.] Joey: It's true what they say. Time is an unreliable narrator. History gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened, but this is how it felt. Summer had brought us home, and we wasted no time assuming our roles in what had become an all-too-familiar scenario. Pacey had fallen from grace, Dawson's dreams were dashed, and I was somehow in the middle of it all over again. The triangle we had all tried so hard to put to rest had come back to haunt us. [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. Dawson is taking down the posters on his walls when Joey comes climbing in through the window.] Joey: Need some help? Dawson: You scared the crap out of me. Joey: Wuss. What are you doing? Dawson: It's called symbolic purging. I can't stand to have this stuff around anymore. It just sits here mocking me. Joey: I thought I was the artist. [She shows some poorly drawn scene setup drawings] Dawson: That—um, fine, laugh all you want, but that's the whole movie right there, shot by shot. Joey: Well, then I wouldn't be throwing it away if I were you. You're gonna need this. Dawson, you have the chance to do something great here, and I can't let you pass that up. I've been authorized to use force if necessary. Dawson: Happen to bring your $18,000 with you? Joey: No, I forgot that. Dawson: Jo, you're sweet, I appreciate it, but I have no money. Zero. Not only that, I'm in debt. Thanks to your friend and mine, I charged up all my credit cards. I'm gonna have to work doubles at fresh fish all this summer just to pay them off. ... Stop by and say hi sometime. Joey: Dawson leery, you are going to let all these details get in the way? Would they stop Spielberg? Dawson: I don't know. I don't recall anything in his bio about his best friend squandering all of his money. Joey: Pacey messed up. No one's denying that. But it wasn't intentional, Dawson. Dawson: It never is, Jo. Never is, but it happens every single time, and I don't need it anymore. It's... Joey: What? It what? Dawson: Nothing. It's just... some things never change. I can't believe you're taking his side on this. Joey: I'm not. I'm not taking anyone's side Dawson. Look, I loved your script. It was real. It was the truth. It makes everything we've been through seem somehow worth it. And I don't know why you and Pacey can't just put your heads together and figure something out. Look I refuse to believe it has to end this way. Dawson: Well, believe it, Jo, 'cause I pretty much never want to see the guy as long as I live. Joey: You know what? I know you don't mean that. Dawson: Yeah, I do. Joey: If you give up now, you have nothing and it was all just a waste. Dawson: It was a waste either way. Jo, look, we can go back and forth for hours on why it's virtually impossible for me to make this film, but the real reason is I don't believe in it anymore. I don't. The script was a celebration of friendship, some golden era that probably only ever existed in my head, and I somehow deluded myself into believing that it was a story of us, of all of us, and that it should be told. And I don't believe that anymore. Joey: Well, fortunately for you, I know you don't mean that. Look, you're hurt, you're pissed off, you want to give up, which is totally understandable, but it sucks for you right now because you're not dealing with somebody who's going to let you. So I'm going to leave you to your sulking for now, but I'll be back. And I promise you it's not gonna be pretty. Asses will be kicked, names will be taken. Until then, bye-bye, old chum. [She climbs back out the window, and Dawson can only smile.] [Opening Credits] [Scene: Gram's Kitchen. Jack, Jen, Audrey, Joey and Grams are there meeting.] Joey: Ok, is everyone clear? Does everyone understand their assignments? Audrey: What about me? What can I do? Anything. Anything at all to distract me from the sheer hellish boredom of summer school. [Joey hands Audrey a script] Joey: Page 12. Audrey: Miss Jacobs? Joey: That's right. Audrey: The old broad? Joey: The one and the same. Audrey: What about her? Joey: Well, I'm yanking you out of early retirement to bring her life to the screen. Audrey: Wait a second. Let me get this straight. You want me to play the slutty teacher that--that robbed Pacey of his delicate flower? Joey: Do you have a problem with that? Jen: You could play Eve. Joey: Sadly, Eve didn't make the cut. Jen: Aw, that's a shame. Audrey: Who the hell is eve? Jack: Eh, long story. Ambiguous ending. Jen: Now what about Pacey? Joey: Oh, yeah. Guess he couldn't make it. But don't worry. I'll take care of that. [Sighs] [Scene: Doug's Apartment. Doug answers the door and lets Joey in, as he is drying a pan. ] Doug: Hey, Joey. Joey: Dougie, where is he? Doug: The little brother? Oh, he's, um, out or something. Joey: Liar, liar. Tsk, tsk, Dougie. Doug: I'm warning you, Joey, it's ugly. [Joey goes in to find Pacey lying on the couch watching Soap Operas. Pacey leans up from the pillow he is lying on, and he has chips stuck to his face.] Pacey: Hey. Jo, come in. I'm finally starting to understand these soap operas. They're pretty good. Joey: All right, dirt merchant. Put some pants on. You're coming with. Pacey: Yeah. I don't think I'm going to be able to do that. The young and the restless is just about to come on. I gotta see how J.T. Talks his way out of this one 'cause colleen was about to kill him. I wouldn't miss that for all the pizza in Capeside. But, please, feel free. Pull up a seat. We got chips. Joey: Pacey. This is pathetic. Pacey: Well, yeah. Kind of comes with the territory. Now I'm not sure what you want me to do about it. Joey: I want you to come with me. I want you to help me figure out how to get Dawson's movie made on $10 and a dream. Pacey: I'd just end up ruining the whole thing, and Dawson knows that, I know that, and in your heart of hearts you know that. I'm a dangerous man, a lethal weapon, so we're all better off if I just lay here on my couch, watching my stories. [Joey grabs the remote from him] Pacey: Uhh! Joey: Pacey! Pacey: What? Joey: Look. I need you. Dawson needs you. Pacey: Ok. Here's the most crucial thing that you're going to have to get through that pretty little head of yours. Things will never be the same between Dawson and me. Or any of us for that matter. And you're just going to have to accept that. Joey: I don't. And I never will. Pacey: Ok. That's fine. Be cheery and delightful and whatever else it is you want to be. I really don't care. Yeah, before you go— [Joey throws the remote back at him] [Pacey groans] [Door slams] [Scene: Harley's bedroom. Harley and Patrick are kissing on the bed, when Joey and Audrey come into the room.] Joey: You are so busted. Harley: What are you talking about? Audrey: Is this him? Joey: That's him. That's it, Harley. I'm gonna have to tell your father. Harley: Tell him what? He knows Patrick and I are seeing each other. Joey: But would he like to know about this little bit of unpleasantness? I think not. Well, I'm not gonna tell Hetson, which is good for you because he would like to have wiped the floor with your punk ass, but now it looks like you two owe me a favor. [Scene: A film Equipment rental store. Jen and Jack are trying to get the salesperson to donate some equipment for them to use.] Salesperson: No. Jen: You don't understand. This is a great film. You would be doing the world of independent cinema a huge favor. Salesperson: I don't know. Let me read the script. Jen: There's no time. Salesperson: Yeah, well, uh, I guess you're out of luck, then. Bye-bye. Jen: Ok, look, I really didn't want to have to do this, but it appears as though I have no choice. Um, I'll go out with you. Salesperson: What? Jen: I'll go out with you. It's what you want, right? But just coffee, ok? No funny business. Salesperson: Yeah. Thanks for that, but I'm not really interested. Jen: What are you talking about? I'm a film geek's dream. Salesperson: Not this film geek. [He looks over and Jack and smiles] Salesperson: How you doin'? [Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson pulls up the house, and goes to go inside and runs into Gale who is sitting on the steps of the porch going through the mail.] Gale: Oh, hey, sweetie. Dawson: Hey. Gale: Can I fix you some dinner? Dawson: No, thanks. I'm just gonna take a nap before the dinner shift. Gale: Sweet dreams. [Dawson goes up into his room, and finds, Joey, Jen, Jack, and Audrey waiting there for him] Joey: Told you I'd be back. Dawson: How--how did— Joey: Don't worry about it. I just want you to admit here and now, once and for all, that you finally have no excuses. Dawson: Well, what about actors? Joey: Learning their lines as we speak. Awaiting a phone call from their director. Audrey: Ooh. I get to play miss Jacobs. You know, the woman who seduces a young boy on the verge of manhood. I do have some notes, however. Joey: [Clears Throat] Audrey: Later. We'll dis-- we'll discuss it later. Jen: So what do you say, Dawson, are you ready to take off the dress and step up to the plate? Jack: Yeah, Dawson, you have no idea what I went through to get this stuff. Dawson: Guys, it's amazing. And this is-- I'm touched beyond words, but— Joey: but? No. There are no buts, Dawson. All you have to do is shoot the movie, just like you were going to do a week ago. And if you're telling me that you don't believe in friendship anymore, I am going to throw you out that window. Dawson: N-no, it's not that. I mean, I have to work. I have a job. [Gale comes walking into the bedroom] Gale: Oh, no, you don't. You're fired. Dawson: What? Gale: It's my restaurant, Dawson. I'm firing you. Case closed. Dawson: Mom— [Gale hands him a bottle of champagne and some glasses.] Gale: Ok, so here's what you're going to do. You're gonna pop the champagne, you're going to pour it into these silly little cups because that's all I could find, and then you are going to make a toast to starting production on your new film. And I'd probably throw in a little something about your friends here who, in my opinion, are fairly amazing and don't forget to mention your mother. Dawson: What can I say? Let's do this thing. Jack: Yes. Jen: Yay. [Cheering] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The street outside the Video Store Dawson and Pacey worked at in High School. Dawson is working with a cast member who is on a bike. Joey and Jack are across the street watching him.] Joey: What do we think? Jack: I think we should give him another 5 minutes and try and time out this bike thing perfectly. Joey: And then we'll have him just walk into the video store? Jack: I guess so. Yeah. It's nothing like asking the director to compromise before he's even gotten his first shot off. [They start to cross the street and Jen joins them] Joey: Hey, Jen, um, right after this, we have to go inside the video store and shoot in there, and we only have a limited time in there, so please tell me they know their lines. Jen: They know their lines. They just don't know what order they go in. [Cut to a little later. Gale is filling a basket with doughnuts when Joey walks up.] Joey: What, no sprinkles? Kidding. Any word on our special delivery? Gale: In transit. [Scene: Doug's Apartment. Doug is in the kitchen, and notices that there isn't any breakfast ready. Pacey comes walking into the Kitchen to see what he wants.] Doug: Ok, why do I not smell eggs Florentine? Pacey: Pacey: Excuse me? Doug: I thought we had an agreement. I let you crash on my couch, you cook for me. Elaborate, mouth-watering, professionally prepared meals, well garnished. Pacey: I'm really flattered by your faith in my culinary abilities, but I can't do it today. I got other things to do, but I left all the fixings out for you, and you really do owe it to yourself as a modern bachelor to develop some sort of rudimentary cooking skills. And chicks dig that kind of thing. And, you know, those other guys, too. They like it. [Scene: Inside the Video Store. They are filming the Tamara Initial meeting scene from the pilot.] Patrick: My god, look at that. George: Oh, show some respect, man. She's old enough to be somebody's mother. Patrick: Yeah, a zygote's. Besides, I happen to have it on pretty good authority that mothers have excellent s*x lives. Audrey: Good afternoon. George: Can we help you? Audrey: Um, yeah— Dawson: Cut, cut. Audrey, you're gonna have to take the robe off. Audrey: You're kidding me. Dawson: I thought we'd be in tight enough so we wouldn't see it, but it's right there. Patrick: This is, like, my dream day. Audrey: Ok, Dawson, what if I just show a little shoulder? Dawson: Problem is, I need bare skin. Jen: You need, like, spaghetti straps. Joey: She's right. You have to have something to match the wardrobe Audrey would be wearing if Pacey junior hadn't walked into her chest with a jelly doughnut. Dawson: We don't have an E.T.A. On that dress yet, do we? Jack: Yes. Spin cycle. Your mom says it's gonna be about, uh, 20 minutes. Patrick: Uh, excuse me. Is there any scenario in which she could just take off all her clothes? You know, at least for one take? Because then, you know, I feel like I could really give you an appropriate on-camera react— [Joey grabs him by the ear.] Patrick: Aah! Joey: Can I have 5 minutes alone with this guy? Patrick: You don't know how long I dreamed of hearing you say that. [She yanks again] Patrick: Ow! Joey: What? Dawson: Nothing. Ok, George, keep doing exactly what you've been doing. Guys will be going a little bit tighter next time, and, audrey, if you can just lower the robe down just above your elbows. Patrick, I know you got it in you to imagine the rest. [Scene: The local Dentist Office. Pacey is trying to get a donation for Dawson's Movie from the dentist.] Pacey: Think of how many more patients you would have if you seized upon this wonderful opportunity for free publicity. Elise: If I have to give you $200, how is it free? Pacey: This you will get back with a credit in the film. A very special thanks to Dr. Elise Briscoe, the friendly dentist. The dentist who cares about people's dreams, I mean, think of it. And look at that smile. It's a crime to keep you behind this desk. Would you do us the honor of perhaps coming in and doing a little cameo in the film? [Scene: The video store. They are trying to shot the shot where Tamara is walking up to the counter with the sun at her back.] Joey: Uh, Dawson— Dawson: Hey, Jack, can we lose that bell? Jack: Yeah, done. Dawson: Great. Sorry. What? Joey: Well, I just think with the light streaming through the window, we're totally going to be able to see through Audrey's dress. Dawson: Ha ha! I know. Joey: You know? Dawson: Yes. That's the natural lighting effect I've been waiting all day to get. That's why I didn't do the wide shot first. Audrey: So is this gonna work or what? Dawson: That is perfection. Joey: She knows? Dawson: Yeah, of course she knows. I'm not gonna do something like that without asking her first. [The store's owner comes into the store and he is upset.] Owner: What the hell is this kid doing to my store? Dawson: He's not doing anything. I told you we will put everything back exactly as we found it. Owner: You also told me you wouldn't break anything and that you'd be out of here by 2:00. [Doug comes into the video store.] Doug: Hey, Joey, I just wanted to let you to know I can't block that street anymore. It's almost 5:00. Owner: Oh, thank god, the law. Officer, can you get these kids out of my store? Doug: Is there a problem here, Joey? Joey: No. You know what? There's no problem. Look, I understand that we're going longer than we anticipated, and I appreciate so much that you're letting us be here, but we just need— Owner: It's Friday. Do you know what people do on a Friday night? Dawson: Rent videos. Joey: Rent videos. Owner: Exactly, which is why I want them out of here now. Dawson: We need 10 more minutes. Doug: You know what, sir? Why don't we, um, talk about this outside? Dawson: [Mouths] Thank you. [Doug and the owner go outside.] Joey: Ok. So now what do we do? Dawson: We shoot quickly while Doug has the guy distracted. Joey: And if it doesn't work? Dawson: Uh, bribery. Joey: Dawson, we don't have any money. Dawson: No, but we do have an abundance of hot girls, which are as good as currency in many countries. Joey: You're joking. You're joking at a time like this? Dawson, we have yet to finish this scene, we're losing the light, we're losing the location. Dawson: Hey, without chaos, there'd be no happy accidents. [Suddenly Todd and Gale come walking into the video store.] Todd: Hello, hello, hello, hello. Why are we not filming here, leery? The light is perfect. The leading lady is perfect. Dawson: What the hell are you doing here? Todd: Well, that sexy mom of yours made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Gale: Ha ha! All I did was e-mail him the script. Todd: It took me 2 days to bloody download the thing. But when I did, I said this is brilliant. I said this is just the sort of project that Todd needs to be involved with. So I'm here, fully on board, ready to work in whatever menial capacity you may require me. Dawson: I could really use a D.P. Todd: Done. Dawson: And a camera operator. Todd: Done again. Just get me a triple espresso and I'm good to go. Dawson: Got it. Um, Todd, I'm the director now. Todd: Right you are, and a damn good one, too. [Todd begins looking around for someone else to get it.] Todd: Um... Joey: I'll go. Audrey: Oh, Joey. Joey: Don't even think about it. Audrey: But— [Joey goes to get the coffee.] Todd: All right, listen up people. Chop, chop. This man here has a movie to make, and we are gonna make it for him or die trying. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The pier outside Dawson's house. Joey is holding a plate of broccoli and talking to Todd.] Joey: So let me get this straight. You've developed some sort of superstitious belief that if you eat steamed broccoli every day, you'll never die? [Todd coughs after taking a puff of his cigarette.] Todd: Exactly. Well, you see the problem is, sweetheart, is these are huge, gigantic pieces of broccoli. I'm looking for more of a broccolini-type deal. Joey: A broccolini? Todd: Exactly. Well, off you go there. You know, in California, this is really a very reasonable request. [Scene: The end of the pier. Dawson is with Patrick and Harley who are trying to shoot the dock scene from Dawson's first movie.] Harley: No way. Not gonna happen. Not in a million years. Dawson: I totally understand your concern. I really do, but it's an incredibly character-defining moment not just for you. For all 3 characters, explains your dynamic. Harley: I said not happening. [Harley walks away from them and Patrick is laughing.] Dawson: What's so funny? Patrick: She can't swim. Dawson: She— [Dawson shakes his head] [Scene: Dawson's backyard. Audrey is lying in a chair sunbathing when Joey comes walking up with the plate of broccoli.] Audrey: Ew, no thanks. I'm trying to quit. Joey: No, it's not to eat. I need you to chop this up and serve it to Todd. You are his new personal assistant. Audrey: I've been wrapped for the day. Can't you find someone else to do it? Someone who's not number one on the call sheet? Joey: No. Come on. Get up. There are divas out there more impossible than you who require our immediate attention. Audrey: Oh! Fine! Joey: Thank you. [Scene: Pizza parlor. Pacey comes running out, and he had been trying to get the owner to donate. The Owner chases after him. As he holds a piece of pizza in his hand.] Pacey: Ok. Owner: Hey, hey, hey, get out of here! [Scene: The end of Dawson's Pier. They are shooting the scene where the sea monster is pulling Harley into the water. We pull back to see that they are not actually in the water, and rather Joey is splashing them with water from a pail.] Patrick: [Growls] Harley: Aah! Patrick: [Growls] Dawson: And cut! Great! We got it. [Scene: Another business. Pacey is trying without success to get a donation.] Pacey: Oh, come on. It's just a small donation. [Scene: Dawson's House. Harley and Joey are talking while getting her ready for another scene.] Harley: You're sure I'm not a lesbian? Joey: Yes, I'm sure. Harley: I mean, it would explain a lot. Otherwise, why do I hate this next-door neighbor girl so much? And why would I rather hang out with this asexual film dork instead of go to France? Joey: Because maybe you're not ready to go to France. Maybe as much as you hate to admit it to yourself, you had a sucky childhood and you still have a lot of growing up to do. Harley: He must have been a really good kisser, the gay guy. Joey: You haven't listened to one word that I've said. [Scene: A local restaurant. Pacey is in the kitchen trying to get the owner to donate some money to the movie.] Owner: Have you worked in a restaurant before? Pacey: Yeah, I worked a kitchen up in Boston. I actually studied under one of the best cooks up there, but now I guess I'm just doing this. Owner: Which is what exactly? Pacey: Honestly? I'm just helping out a friend. [They walk out, and the owner hands a bag of food to a blond at the host station.] Owner: Here you go. Christy: Thank you. Owner: [To Pacey] You know what? Don't go any place. Owner: [To Woman] I'll be right back with your change. Christy: OK [HE leaves them alone to get change] Christy: Hi. Pacey: Hi. Christy: You don't remember me, do you? Pacey: No, but I really wish I did. Christy: Well, you sure changed your pitch a lot since this morning. Pacey: The receptionist from the dentist's office, of course. I'm sorry. Christy: No, no. You really don't remember me. Oh, come on. From high school? I mean, it's kind of a blow to my ego. You used to follow me around everywhere. It was kind of pathetic, but... now here we are 5 years later and it's like you don't even know who I am. [The owner returns with her change] Owner: Here you go, Christy. Christy: Thanks. Nice seeing you, Pacey. [Christy leaves with her food.] Pacey: Christy? Owner: Yeah, yeah, Christy Livingstone. Pacey: Christy! [Pacey runs out after her.] [Scene: Dawson's Porch. Grams is sitting on a chair looking outside at her old house next door, when Jen comes out to join her.] Grams: [Groans] Curtains in the kitchen window certainly are an eyesore. Don't know how gale can bear looking at them. Jen: I'll be sure to alert the interior decorating police. How ya doin'? Sittin' up here on the porch watchin' everybody. Grams: It's very nice seeing all you children together again having one fun last day in Capeside. Jen: One last day, please. [Sighs] I'm sure that this isn't gonna be anyone's last day in Capeside, I mean, I'm sure that we'll all have reasons to come back here, you know, and--and we're just moving to new york. It's not like we're— Grams: Dying. That's right. We're not. We're just beginning one more chapter in our lives together. A very nice long one. Jen: [Sighs] Do you miss this place? Grams: Oh...every day. Do I regret leaving it? Never. [They hug. Dawson comes up to the porch.] Dawson: Hi. Jen: Hey, Dawson. Dawson: How you guys doin'? Jen: Whew. Good. 'Re good. Grams: Couldn't be better. Dawson: Good. I hate to interrupt, but— Jen: Cab's here. Dawson: No, actually, it's just that you're, uh, well, you're... kinda in my shot. Jen: Oh. Oh. [Laughs] Grams: Oh, well. I can't think of a more appropriate way to say good-bye to our old next-door neighbor, can you? Jen: Frank Capra of Capeside? No. Grams: Come here. [They all hug] [Scene: Outside on the side of Dawson's House. There is a cab waiting, and Everyone is saying their good byes to Jen, Jack and Grams.] [Scene: Cut to a little later and Grams, Jack and Jen are by the Cab.] Jack: See ya. Audrey: Bye. Gale: Bye-bye. Joey: We love you. Audrey: Bye. Joey: Bye. We love you. Audrey: Wow. They're really never leaving, are they? Joey: I don't think so. Audrey: Bye! Joey: Bye. Audrey: Miss you, cuties! Jen: What is this feeling? [Sighs] It just seems like everything's getting smaller and smaller. It's all still there, but I just can't touch it. Jack: I think it's called good-bye. [Jen looks over at the dock and sees Harley and Patrick messing around waiting to shoot their next shot.] Patrick: I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Harley: No. [Laughing] [She turns and gets into the cab with a small smile and a tear in her eye.] [Engine starts] [Scene: The Restaurant. Pacey and Christy are sitting a the bar later that evening talking to one another.] Pacey: The truth? Of course I'm tell you the truth. Why would I lie about these things? Christy: Pacey Witter, bad-ass stud and man about town? Pacey: Ok, you're right, I would lie about those things, but I did sail around the Caribbean, and for a while there, I actually did own a BMW. I promise you, that is the gospel truth. Christy: I see. So now after much soul-searching, you've come back right to where you started. Pacey: Well, come on, I'm not exactly right where I started. I'm talkin' to you, aren't I? Christy: Yeah. Yeah, you are. Or you were. Pacey: I wa—Oh, no, you're leaving? Christy: I'm sorry. I--I have to go. I should've left ages ago, but, um... [Sighs] Christy: You can call me. Pacey: Really? Christy: You should... call me. Here. [Christy writes her number on a napkin and hands it to him.] Pacey: I will, absolutely will. Christy: Bye, Pacey. Pacey: Good-bye, Christy. Ha ha. [She leaves and passes Joey who is walking into the bar area.] Joey: Wasn't that— Pacey: Christy Livingstone, yes, it was. Joey: Talking to you? Pacey: Talkin' to me. In fact, flirting with me. She gave me her phone number. Joey: [Laughs] Pacey: [Sighs] You know what this means, right? You know, Christy, she's like, uh— Joey: metaphor, I know. She represents all of the high school girls you thought you'd never be able to have because you were such a loser. Pacey: Exactly. Joey: And the fact that all the normal girls who haven't been surgically enhanced-- girls like me and Jen and Audrey and Andie-- the fact that we've spent every second of the past 5 years telling you that you weren't a loser, that means nothing to you. Pacey: I-I'm sorry, you lost me there in the middle. Maybe I should explain the whole metaphor thing again. Joey: Why am I even talking to you? [She turns to the bartender.] Joey: Hi. Um, I'm here to pick up a to-go order. The name's potter. Owner: Right. Right. Coming right up. Joey: Thank you. [The bartender goes to get her food.] Pacey: So how's it going? Joey: How's what going? Pacey: You know what I'm talkin' about. Joey: Well, it's not too late for you to find out for yourself. Pacey: Well, yeah, but if I did that, then I'd have to eat all those fine words I said the other day, and I actually believe them. So, what I was hoping was that, instead, you could just take this to Dawson. [He slides her an envelope. She opens it and sees money.] Pacey: It's not everything, but it's everything that I could get in one day, and I'll get the rest whenever I get the rest. But what I was hoping is that you would take that to him and then... tell him I said congratulations and all that good stuff. Joey: I could. Pacey: All right. Joey: But I won't. 'Cause you know what, Pace, you were right. This isn't my fight. You know, never has been and... it never will be. Pacey: So, what, after all these years, you're just gonna wash your hands of the both of us? Joey: I'm gonna try. [They both smile] Joey: Take care. Pacey: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Dawson's Bedroom. They are shooting the scene from the Pilot where Dawson and Joey were lying in bed together.] George: We're friends, ok? No matter how much body hair we acquire, deal? Harley: Deal. George: And we don't talk about this again. Deal? Harley: You got it. George: Why'd you have to bring this up anyway? Dawson: And cut. Perfect. Everybody, thank you for a terrific first day that's a wrap. I'll see you all tomorrow. Crew1: All right. Crew2: Hey, thank you. [Crew chattering] Crew3: Thank you very much. [Todd sits in the Director's chair] Todd: Oh, my apologies, sir. Force of habit. Dawson: No, stay there. Stay there. You bailed my ass out today. Todd: That's right, you little bugger. My bloody dogs are barkin'. Dawson: Makes you feel for the little people, doesn't it? Makes you wanna go back and apologize to every crew member you ever threw a hissy fit at, I bet. Todd: Hell, no. Makes me wanna produce. [Laughing] [Audrey comes walking into the bedroom as Dawson leaves] Audrey: [Audrey sighs] Anything else I can do for you, Mr. Carr? Todd: Yeah, call me Todd, love. Audrey: I tried that already, remember? You told me to call you Mr. Carr. Todd: I like you, blondie. You're a saucy one. You're a bit of a tart, aren't ya? Audrey: Excuse me. Did you just call me a hooker? Todd: What? I meant it in a good way. You know, come to think of it, there is something you can do for me. Back rub. Now. Audrey: Ok, you've got to be kidding me. Todd: Go on, you know you want to. Come on, give a geezer a rub. See what it's like to lay your hands on a real director. Audrey: You--you know, Dawson was right. You are an arrogant little b*st*rd. Todd: Who, me? Look, I'm totally misunderstood. Between you and me, sweetheart, it's really just a numbers game. I figure, you know, eventually some bird's gonna find it all very charming. Audrey: [Laughs] Ok. [She walks behind him and begins giving him a shoulder massage.] Todd: [Sighs] [Groans] Oh, that's good. Too good...actually. Might make a bloke wanna invite a bird up to his room for a nightcap. What do you say? Audrey: Absolutely. [Scene: Dawson's Upstairs hallway. Todd and Audrey come quickly out of Dawson's room, and go into the guest room. Dawson watches them and walks past them with a smile.] Todd: [Laughs] Audrey: [Giggling] [Dawson goes into his bedroom and falls on the bed, when Joey comes up to the doorway.] Dawson: [Sighs] Joey: Hey. Dawson: Hey, what are you still doin' here? Joey: Mm, I thought I'd stick around to congratulate you. Dawson: [Laughs] Joey: You were great today. Dawson: Well, if anyone was great today, it's because of you. I have you to thank for this, you know. Joey: Oh, that may well be true but-- [Sighs as she falls on the bed] You can save your speech for Sundance. I'm exhausted. Dawson: Spend the night. Joey: [Laughs] And what would we call that? Life imitating art imitating life? Dawson: I...don't know. I'm too tired to figure it out. It's ok if you don't want to. I understand. It's a little weird. Not to mention somewhat dangerous. Joey: What do you mean? Dawson: I don't know. What if you woke up and you were 15 again? Joey: The funny thing is--is-- I don't feel that way anymore. Watching you shoot it was like it is... Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. Shooting this movie is gonna save me tons of money on therapy. Joey: [Laughs] Today was a great day. Dawson: Oh, the best. Joey: I mean, how many truly great days are we gonna have in our lives? Dawson: I don't know. Who knows how many you get? When they do happen to come along, though, I hope you're close by, at least for a few of 'em. Joey: Me, too. So how would you describe your movie? If somebody asked you, what would you say? Dawson: I would say... it's about a girl who wanted more than what she had... who had to grow up to realize that she already had everything she ever could've wanted. Joey: I like that. Dawson: I don't wanna close my eyes. Joey: Why? Dawson: I'm afraid when I open 'em, you won't be here. Joey: Close your eyes, Dawson. [Dawson goes to sleep, and Joey just lies there smiling and watching him sleep. He wakes up the next morning and finds a note next to him. He begins to read it, and smiles. We see a cut to Joey working in the deli.] [Scene: The ruins. Dawson is there waiting, when Pacey comes walking up and notices Dawson and knows that he has been duped. And goes to walk over to join Dawson.] Pacey: Hey. Dawson: Hey. What are you doin' here? Pacey: Uh, the same thing you are, I'd suppose. Dawson: Actually, I came here to meet— Pacey: Meet with Joey? Yeah, so did I. Dawson: I get it. [Sighs] Joey potter: Amateur peace broker. Pacey: [Sighs] Dawson: So where is she? Pacey: I don't know, but I'd say that she is probably not coming. I think she has this kooky notion that you and I are gonna work this out between ourselves. Dawson: Well, that's... not gonna happen. Pacey: Yeah, I know. That's what I told her, but we're talkin' about a girl who's never really listened to a single word that either you or I has ever told her, and I did, I said it to her, I said, "look, Jo, things will never be the same between Dawson and I." She doesn't listen to me. You know her, she's stubborn, that girl. Dawson: [Sighs] Well, if she's not comin', I'm gonna take off. I've got somewhere to be. Pacey: Hold on for one second. [Sighs] Look, you said some pretty crappy things the other day. Dawson: Yeah. So did you. Pacey: Yes, I did. And I meant them 100%. Dawson: I know, so did I, pace, and that's the thing, I don't know how we get past that. Pacey: Well, maybe we don't. Maybe that's the point that we just don't get past it, we realize that... we can't go back to the way things used to be, and there's nothing we can do about that 'cause the guys that we are now are worlds apart from the guys that we were back then. The only tie that really binds us together is the fact that we still love the same woman. Dawson: [Sighs] It always comes back to that, doesn't it? Pacey: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, and you know what? I don't really regret a single second that I spent with her, and I'm guessing you don't either. In fact, I really consider us pretty lucky... that a--a woman like that would give either one of us the time of day. Dawson: You know, it makes sense. Pacey: What does? Dawson: Why it never worked out for either one of us. All we wanted was her. So much so that we destroyed our friendship... and in the end, all she ever wanted was for us to be friends again. Pacey: Ok, I'm gonna ask you this once, and then I promise you I'll never ask it again. Is it possible? Dawson: For us to be friends again? [he thinks then smiles] Anything's possible. Pacey: Fair enough. Look, uh, this is for you. [Pacey hands Dawson the envelope with the money.] Dawson: What's this? Pacey: Well, I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of going to several local businessmen and asking them if they'd like to invest in a very promising young filmmaker, and, by and large, they were all very receptive, though there was this one dentist, and I don't know how she got this in her head, but she seems to think she's an actress, so you might have to give her a little role, like a cameo at most. Just warnin' ya. Dawson: Thank you. Pacey: Don't mention it. [Scene: Dawson's House. We hear a voice over of Joey as they are finishing filming the final shot of the movie.] Joey: [Voice Over] I used to be afraid of so many things... [Cheering] Dawson: That's a wrap! Joey: [Voice Over] That I'd never grow up. [Scene: Paris. Joey is working in a store there and is finishing up for the day. We again hear a voice over of Joey. Second Scene. Jen and Jack walking the streets of NYU. ] Joey: [Voice Over]That I'd be trapped in the same place for all eternity. That my dreams would forever be shy of my reach. It's true what they say. Time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. Joey: Au revoir. [Scene: A series of scenes that take place with Joey's voice over. Joey walking along a Paris street. Joey going to a fruit stand and getting some fruit. Joey walking through some so art displays in a street fair. Joey getting her portrait drawn by one of the artists. Joey standing outside the Eiffel tower.] Joey: [Voice Over] And now that this scared little girl no longer follows me wherever I go, I miss her. I do. 'Cause there are things I wanna tell her-- to relax, to lighten up, that it is all going to be ok. I want her to know that meeting people who like you, who understand you, who actually accept you for who you are, will become an increasingly rare occurrence. Jen, Jack, Audrey, Andie, Pacey, and Dawson. These people who contributed to who I am, they are with me wherever I go, and as history gets rewritten in small ways with each passing day, my love for them only grows. Because the truth is... it was the best of times. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned, but all of that has receded into fond memory now. How does it happen? Why are we so quick to forget the bad and romanticize the good? Maybe it's because we need to believe that the time we spent together actually meant something, that we were there for each other in a time in our lives that defined us all, a time in our lives that we will never forget. I can't swear this is exactly how it happened. But this is how it felt. [Fade to black]

When Dawson gives up his dream of making his film, a strong-minded Joey rallies the old group back to Capeside to help Dawson begin production before pursuing her dream of traveling to Paris. Jen, Jack and Grams must say their goodbyes and leave for New York.