series
stringlengths 1
19
| description
stringlengths 7
33
| dreams
stringlengths 5
23k
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | year
stringlengths 1
19
|
|---|---|---|---|---|
b | Barb Sanders | I am running a rehearsal of a dance piece I wrote. I waited too long to get it organized and I'm given a bad date, after school is out and people won't be around as much. I realize it's my own fault. I call the dancers together and they are unmotivated, confused, late and wandering around. I am yelling like a director or master sergeant, coercing and cajoling and demanding and complimenting. We have too many props and too many dancers. It is crowded and confusing. The curtains are closed and out in the audience area are several men, important, listening into what I do with this mess. I am doing well, getting things cleaned out and motivated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am standing in a group of people all entangled together in a sort of circle. We are singing a song and entwining our arms and holding hands. It is awkward. I have something in my hand and yet managed to keep connected. After we are done, Marilyn steps over and says we could do some choir work. I nod, but my attention is on this bunch of food I need to take, care of slabs of meat in packages. I need to get them frozen and put away and decide to put a refridge in the area we're at, rather than drag it all home. I want to make a lunch. I go home and it's a mess there -- food all over, dirty dishes. Marilyn starts cleaning and I say with relief, "Ah, you've started back to work." I pay her to clean up, but it's been a while. There's lots to do. She is energetic and efficient. I am glad. There's something about traveling, maybe on a bus. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Uncle Joel and his young wife. Somehow I have had sexual relations with them both, and I am shocked, because that would be incest. He's an Uncle after all, a brother of my father. She is Marci energy. Now I'm holding a hamburger and offer to cook dinner. I plop it on a stove and decide to cook some rice. I search for the right sauce pan size and finally find some, but I have to wash it first and I start to do some dishes. A Mom-like woman says, "You don't have to do the dishes." I say, "It's OK, just the ones I need for now." I feel good standing. Now I go to a fair. I have a handful of quarters. I am going to pay for my admission and Caroline's dad (younger like late 20's) says, "No, I'll pay. You don't have to." I say, "No, I insist. It isn't much and I have it." Caroline demands her share and then decides to go to her room. I say, "You come back here now." She refuses. I insist. A classic power struggle. I get angry. She reluctantly returns. We go in to find our seats. Each event happens in a different room and the first event is in a small room. Then Ginny is around. We (Uncle Joel? and I) go to find the fantasy corner, because we were told to. I see it and lay down to peek down the corner. I see a young woman like a Vanna White to show what is in the corner. I look and see a pile of books. "Oh, the sci-fi ones I like...," and three copies of a hardbound red book with the title in black, "Minot." "I have that one but haven't read it," I say. A couple of books are in a different language and must be for the other person, possibly an alien, with me. Later, someone is gathering things and putting them in a display. A woman behind me, like Ginny, holds the rabbit balls I gave her. She offers them up to the man setting up the display. He looks at them and I feel embarrassed. This isn't much. They'll laugh or reject them. He opens one and a small fetal creature is in it and he asks, "What is it?" I say, "It's a rabbit. See the teeth?" They disagree until they look and see the teeth. I see them. They are even and nicely shaped human teeth, the only feature in this white mass of stuff. No one is pleased, and I look up to see a cloud where the lion god lives with his many young wives. He rolls over, unimpressed, and makes love to several of his nubile wives who are very pretty. I am stunned I am seeing this and also embarrassed. Then the wives are gathered together and very happy to hear about the rabbits because they can check and see if they are pregnant. One rubs her tummy and says she has had symptoms already. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am doing an absurd skit with Justin. We run about the garden looking at trees and making jokes. He says we must only look for the A tree and the B tree. I run around in an English way with an English accent and say, "Oh where could the 'A' tree be? Oh, here it is." He follows me around closely, trying to be the tree. I ignore him. "Oh, where is the 'B' tree? Here? No, here? No, ooh here it is, no, that's a bee, an insect, not a tree. Then here? Now here's an interesting tree! Look over there, it has a very interesting root structure, if we only could see it. We lay down on the ground and he picks up the bottom of the raised root structure (like mangrove trees) and I snicker and say, "Oh I must be wrong," but if it were the right tree, then it would be all raised and interesting. We are laying there next to each other, teasing. A man opens the door and stares down at us. Finally we get up and he glares and says, "Are you going to do this again?" We humbly say no, trying not to laugh. "Good," he says dourly and slams the door. We giggle and Justin says, "Where is a kissing tree?" I laugh and go to him and put my arms around him and kiss him saying, Here. I found one, a kissing tree." [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I live in this house with lots of rooms. I don't use most of them. I want a puppy and get one, but I want it to be smaller and cuter. Now there are many tiny kittens and a puppy. I pick some up and hug them and carry them around with me. I remember a back living room and my old TV is in there and I wonder why I never go use that room. I see connecting doors between rooms and remember this house is on the state line. Cars line up. One is going to drive through the connecting rooms and gets stuck or stopped and the next car screeches to a halt, nearly crashing, and the next and so on. There is a chain reaction pile up. Luckily no one really crashes. I am impressed. I go in to see what's the problem. These people are coming to buy the booze I can legally make on one side of the house and sell to the folks on the other side where it's illegal to make it. I go back into the living room, wanting to use the rooms more. I see an old file cabinet and look. The previous owners, old ladies, had their files in there. One of these days I need to clean it out. I look in. There are some empty files, in Braille, and lots of old papers. I pick up an Xmas card from a pile of letters and cards. It's from Pete and B and some other people. They look like the ones I have in my cards and letter box. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in the teacher's lounge getting ready to do my Evangeline thing. I am choosing my scripts to do and getting them laid out. A male teacher likes me and he's kind of a drunk. I try to avoid him and he leans into me and I back away and so on. Then I notice it is nearly 1 o'clock, and someone is on stage talking. I was supposed to be first because I had a 1:30 appointment across town. I am flustered. Now I can't find the scripts that I had set aside and they are calling me to the stage. I'll be late, but I go on toward the stage, asking Bonnie to look for my scripts for me and bring them to me when she finds them. I then see my cute little girl with ringlets in her hair. She has a huge bag of barbeque potato chips. It is ripped open and she's snacking. I say to her, "Come here!" She walks away toward the auditorium, trying to avoid me. I say, "Don't you do that! Come here now." She does, resentfully. I say, "You went home and got these, didn't you?" (Apparently we lived next door to the school.) She nods yes. I say, "Don't do that again." She frowns. I take away the bag of chips. I go up on stage and I'm introduced. Only a few teachers are in the lunchroom audience. I am walking. I apologize and explain that the scripts are missing and are being looked for. I chat about how I started the Can Do show on cable TV and had to create a show every two weeks. We called it heart attack theatre, because we'd have two weeks to prepare for the show. Somehow at the beginning of the two weeks it seemed we had plenty of time, but then it would be Thursday night and I'd have to produce the show. I had no time to rehearse and memorize my lines, so I created a character who had her words on a piece of paper. Clever huh? I went on it in this realistic way. Bonnie comes in with the red notebook of original scripts. I search through it to find a script. I see computer docs. It is past 1:30 and I'm late, but oh well. Maybe Bonnie can call and tell them that I am going to be late. Things just aren't working out. Everyone seems OK with it all. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I hold a tiny boy baby and ask how old he is. He says 11 months. I am amazed because he is so small, like a toy doll, skinny. There are three of them. I like them. I think they are "cousins" or babies of cousins. My mother and Aunt Millie are in a bed and talking and I try to overhear. My mother says, "So that's how you tell? You smell them?" Millie talks. I think, "Aha, someone is having an affair, maybe my father." I want to listen in and get all the info. I am interrupted by people talking, and new arrivals to the reunion party we are at. I suck on a cannelloni noodle until the meat filling is all gone. Somehow, that was one of the babies. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I visit the C. dept at a meeting and don't see many people I know. I sit on a couch next to a black man who has a stop watch. He puts it on my lap and says, "Is that OK?" I say ok. Then it stops. He picks it up and restarts it. It stops again. He lays it aside. I get up and walk around. There are large appliances I crawl around on like I was kid size and they were adult size. The black man and I are teasing each other, playing like kids. He turns on a switch and a sound like a blender whirs. It gets annoying and I climb down from the top of the refridge and get footing on the toilet cover and go over and turn off the switch. The black man lays on the floor laughing. Then I hear a buzzing sound and finally figure out it is a telephone thing and pick it up, the black receiver, and I hear a male voice, like my father's. He says something and says, "Tell Willis to come to the V's, you know, like our way. And tell LoKey Junior." I write his name down, not knowing who that is. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a woman and two men harass me. I run away. I steal one of their bicycles and then they chase me and we are in traffic and I peddle. Then I abandon the bicycle in the bushes behind a gas station and go into the station to call someone and the two men come after me and I try to hide in a room. They come to the door and I hold it closed against them. He has the keys and gets them out and I hold the door hard. He pushes, and then as he pushes to get in, I slide out and into the next adjoining room. They come to that room and I quickly hide up in the attic area through a crawl hole and replace the panel and hope they don't find me. Then somehow I am Marilyn of Northern Exposure like and on a horse wearing a beautiful whit fur cape. The chief of the tribe says, "You can have it; take it away for all we care. We prefer to not have it around." I am angry because I had been harassed and hounded and feared for my life because of this cape. We (the two men and I) ride out into the snow. Finally, in tremendous anger, I force the one man off his horse. He is shocked. I scream at him. I am angry. We'll finish it now. He is going to strike out at me and I don't care. I am livid with anger long held in from his bad frightening attacks on me. He is Indian and hides in his yellow fur parka and I made some sign at him and say, "You stay in there; you can use the shield." Somehow his spirit was going to come out and kill me and I am fighting it. It's like I've gone berserk from the pent-up up rage. They aren't going to treat me badly any longer. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I experience huge black waves of anger running through me, circles and swirls and waves of the stuff. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am holding a sweet little girl in my arms. A man I love walks beside me. We are in some kind of time warp. Someone sees a large picture of Abraham Lincoln on a wall and I am drawn to his dark sad eyes. Something is behind that picture. We rip it off the wall and see writing. It says "B was here in November." It was written by the man to prove I was here before this. But now I am realizing that we must die. I am filled with grief. I hug the girl to me. I ask someone, a doctor perhaps, what will it feel like when the moment of death comes. I decide it will be a drink of poison, a big dose. I hold the girl and say, "I'm so sorry." She says, "It's all right. You have to do it" (meaning kill her). I sob and sob and she comforts me. I am walking into a house. Her family of this time, a man and woman, are harsh and I scream at them to leave us alone. Now I am walking in the waves of an ocean. We are walking along the beach in the surf, facing perpendicular to the waves. They hit from the right side. Sometimes the waves are like paper roses that spray over us. I say to the man I love, I'll die with you. I'll kill you two and then I'll drink the poison too." He begs me not to. He says I must live because if I don't then no one will write about them and then they will be truly dead. I sob and sob, clutching him in a side embrace. "How can I live when all I love is dead?" I sob. We go into a room and I hug him, sobbing and sobbing. My mother is there, and I confronted her. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Lionel is varnishing the floor. I am talking to them. I say my mother had a small stroke, and then I realize so had Aunt Elaine and she is right there. I then complain about how hard it is to be back at work, even though it is only half time. I am surprised I have a job again. I thought I was retired. There are bubbles in the varnish, on the floor. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am with Jock and we are going to visit a writer at his house. Jock goes on ahead in a car and I lose him immediately. I stand on a grassy area where the road goes both left and right and I wonder which way Jock went. Someone says, "There he is." I look to the left and see his car parked at a house by the sea. I follow along and go there. Now I'm being given a tour of the house. Robin, the scriptwriter teacher, lives there with his wife. There are beautiful curtains that can be pulled down in six lovely different designs. A big window is present to see the lovely view. The ocean is off in the distance to the right, so when you want, you can go sit at the window and look at it. There is a kind of wooden tree fence which has spaces between each tree so you can still see the ocean, but it is not a totally open view. This seems a good thing. I admire this house saying, "If I had a house, this would be it." Jock tries to show me the different designs the curtains make. There is gray and pink wallpaper, but I wouldn't have chosen the swans on it. I love the colors, though. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in the living room and Dovre is out on the porch talking with some people who are demonstrating a car seat and how it folds up and so on. I come out and watch. I ask her what she's doing and she says she wants to buy some seat belts and they have some, but she did it wrong. They came to her and said, "This is how much I want." I say to her, "You could then say to them, 'This is how much I'm willing to pay,' and see if they will dicker." She likes this idea and goes to them to dicker. I walk back into the house very aware that I would be embarrassed to dicker and leave it cravenly to her. I see the little baby girl and go pick her up and discover she has on some of my jewelry. I tell her it is not OK to take things that belong to other people, and begin to remove the many rings and necklaces off her chubby fingers and neck. She resists. I explain how we must ask permission first. She doesn't care; she just wants the jewelry. I tell her if she comes back in and takes my jewelry, then I will take it back, take her to her room and lock it and then take some of her things away. I feel mean. She is incorrigible. I keep removing more jewelry, black beaded necklaces. I find an ugly plastic lime bracelet. She says, "At least let me keep that one, it has my name on it (Fred)." I say, "This is Dovre's; we will ask her permission and if she says yes, you can keep it." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am seated on a couch with Rochelle. We are on a pile of freshly done laundry, clothes, towels, etc. Rochelle is figuring up something on her calculator. It gets overheated and she tosses it across the room on the floor. She throws herself behind the couch and I sit there and wait. The battery pops out of the calculator and then overheats and burns and smokes. The air is thick with bad smells. I get up and walk outside. It's time to leave now and I get in my red pickup truck and drive over to say goodbye to Dwight (Rock Hudson?). I walk into the house and find him. We then walk out the back side door. I see many cars and hub caps lined up neatly. He says, "The used car man next door puts them there during the day." As we walk to the pickup, I remember I didn't take my card he gave me as a farewell. I ask him to go back and get it for me. He does so. I get into the driver's seat of the pickup and see that he has put a store of sugar free snacks in there for me to enjoy on my trip. I am touched. Dwight gets in with the card. I thank him for his thoughtful gift. He smiles. Jake is now in the back seat. He has put a special hand hold on the steering wheel for me to use. I thank him and try to use it. It is uncomfortable. I say, "I'm sorry but I need it back the way it was." He apologizes. I say, "Oh no, I thank you for the thought, but it just isn't working out." He fixes it. Pink liquid and oil and so on pours into the column of the steering wheel and then he fixes it back the way it was. I suddenly remember I had forgotten my wheelchair, crutches, pills and raised toilet seat back at Rochelle's. I was feeling so good, I just forgot them. I send someone back to get them for me. She returns with it. Several aunts are there with babies to wave me goodbye. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A man and I search and search. Finally, he finds a piece and I find a piece and we put it together and it starts working. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | The man finally gave in and let the woman move out on her own. She opens the front door and torrential rains come in. She opens the back door, knowing this storm will blow through and there will be a mess to clean up, but it's OK. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am captured by a bad guy who is going to have sex with me and then kill me. He and his henchmen get us (four of us). I try to run. He has guns. He is chasing. We are wondering where the nearest safe place is. Then I see Josh. I tell him we need a place to hide and he says, "You can hide in here." We start to hide when we see him drive up. He'll see us. We hide in a closet. The man comes in with a rifle and is looking around. Now I feel bad for Josh who is in danger because of us. He is diverting them to the outside when the woman driver who we escaped from enters with a gun. Josh says, "That's my wife." Uh oh! Dilemma. Where are his loyalties? He acquiesces and stops helping us. I see Josh and look at him, wondering if he'd still help us. The feeling is he would if he could. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] [FORMERLY #2491 | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Paul and I were lovers many years ago. I see him surrounded by his adoring fans. He looks up and says, "Who is that?" I say, "B." He doesn't recognize the name, so I say Lydia (I think) which was my name when I was younger. He realizes it's me and comes out of the group to meet me. We meet and embrace. It is very tender. We obviously still love each other. He is pregnant and old and soft. I lovingly put my hands on his belly to feel the full belly with child. Then I gently touch his face. We walk together in an embrace, kissing very tenderly now and then. I ask how he is. He says, "Married, did you think I'd just wait after you left me?" I wonder how I ever managed to leave Paul Newman. He has children in his marriage. He says, "It's my door; I want it shut." He knocks over some kitchen metal things that were propping the door open and it shuts. She comes out. She is pretending to be mad at him, but she is only affectionately scolding him. I pick it up and say, "I'll do your toenails." Paul says, "Mine?" He's quite content for me to do that. I say, "No, Tia's, your daughter's, if she'll let me, so there, Mr. who-loves-pink-and-gray" (or who looks good in pink and gray). Now I have a picture of the weeping willow Paul and I kissed under. I look at it sadly with loving regret. Paul sees this and sighs, looking at me with love. We both love each other so much, but it won't work because he is married and has a family. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a man who works too much, very responsible. A younger man is trying to convince me to hang out with him and have a bit of fun. I am sort of a policeman detective type person and am on a case. Just as the tiger lunges for me, I fire the shotgun in his mouth and he dies right next to me. The policeman comes and gives details of the case to his superior officer. Now I am he and wheeling down the sidewalk. The young man invites me to come to his commencement party. I say, "I can't, I have work to do." Then I say, "Oh, what the hell, why not?" and start to cross the street, against the light. I look to see if cars are coming; they aren't and I go. I see a dark sky to my left and ahead, a huge rainstorm. As I get to the other side of the street, the rains start. I hope I have my poncho to put on. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am newly married to a blind man like Patrick of Dover. I look through the crowd of people and see Patrick, annoyed with me, getting someone to help him go put my chair under the awning. He walks up to me and hugs me gently and says in a lecturing tone, "Now dear, you left your chair out in the rain. It could have been ruined." I grit my teeth and say thinly, "Thank you." We hug but I am distant and angry. He feels that. He says, "What's wrong?" I say, "What's wrong? I don't have to do what you tell me. I don't like that tone you take like you are my owner now that we are married. This isn't working out." I site another incident where he gently, tyrannically insists I do what he wants me to do. I resent that tone and don't want to knuckle under. Meanwhile the torrential rains pour down outside. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A neighbor man lets me lean on him and helps me into the house. Ellie informs me that my ex-husband has come through and sold the house. I am furious because if they had told me this before the meeting, I wouldn't have had to go through all this. I say, "I'll just wake him up and tell him off." The girls defend him and tell me not to bother him. I am mad that they take better care of him than they do me. I just know the husband is going to try and get away with the money from the sale of the house and bilk me of my share. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am handed a small baby boy to take care of for a while. I try to bathe him and have lots of trouble. There are two men there. One sleeps on the right side of the couch bed thing I am using to bath the baby. The other is trying to help me by getting the water and so on. I finally get him shampooed on his head and then I see I didn't rinse off the shampoo. I hold his head under a faucet spray thing and get it cleaned off, get a blue crocheted thing on him for a diaper and only get one side pinned and then I see he's had a bowel movement. I decide not to clean him up again because it is such hard work and someone on the next shift can do it better. Now I hand him over to another woman and we are packing his things. She puts him on the arm of Uncle Lionel who sits on another couch and says he likes to be touched. So Uncle Lionel lets him lean on him. I sit on the couch at the other end, and as the baby leans back, I put my legs up on the couch to create a fence to hold him. Uncle puts his leg up also and we keep him safe. I say, "This baby sure has grown since this morning," aware that is pretty fast growth. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I go into the bathroom to get ready for my date with Bob H. He'd written that he's coming and would like to see me. He's in the living room with his teen children, a boy and a girl. I try to get into the bathroom to do my hair, but the rock stars are all over and getting their makeup off. Bob thinks I look nice, but I don't think so. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see one of their husbands in the passenger side. He's injured, "broken." I say "Hi," to him, but in general ignore him. He isn't important and it's kind of a bother he's even there. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I take the part of "Tommy" in a play. In makeup no one knows I'm a woman. I do it so well. Ethan gets suspicious and follows me. He discovers it is me and says, "We must talk." He walks me to a room with a big bed and a couch. He sits on the bed and I sit on the couch. He just won't give me any good feedback, no compliments. He's upset I tricked them. Now he and I are seated side by side in an invisible vehicle and he's driving backwards along the coastline. I look back over my shoulder, apprehensive he'll drive us into the ocean. He parks in the grasses where we can see cars drive like they are going to hit us and then they go past. A cop goes by. He says, "Hope he doesn't catch us. I kind of do this a lot." I say, "How often?" He says "Oh, 10, 11 times a day." I say, "OH! Obsessive! The cop doesn't approve." Ethan puts his arm around me. [NOTE: ALL FEMALE CHARACTERS (AND ASSOCIATED NARRATIVE) WERE DELETED FROM THIS DREAM REPORT.] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | We are invaded by a group of powerful men who belong to the NEW America group, like the communists or something. They are like brainwashing people like a religion does. I fight it. A woman says things and the male leader says, "I am bored." She is hurt, "You mean to say I am boring?" Another man says conciliatorily, "Is it that you are not enthusiastic or interested right now?" | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | It's 2:00 in the morning and I am preparing to go to a rally for feminists' rights. I am going to pick up my parents and family and we'll catch a bus to the building, but I'm no sure which building, so I'm asking around. Then I decide to go without the family. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Now a man that I am waiting for shows up. We are going to work on the project together. I take photo or something and he edits, I guess. Anyway, the woman comes over and starts to set up a deal with him, and I watch as she says things like, "A contract? We won't need one." He waffles and hems, wanting the protection of his material, but trying to trust her. I realize he's a wimp and would sell himself and then me down the river; no guts. I unplug my machine from his and say to the woman, "My stuff is not connected with his, so you can't get mine," which is what she was finagling for. The man is upset that I won't work with him and I feel very good at having beaten out this selfish, arrogant woman. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am going to fix dinner for Ginny and Ernie and the four kids. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am sort of a stepmother to this man's children and they are horribly mean. They overpower me and tie me up and knock me out and drag me down a trail toward the mountains. They are running away and taking me with them. I wake up and pretend to be unconscious until I get my bearings. I am dragged like I was on a travois, my arms trussed up and my head bouncing against the nearly grown son's butt. I try to escape, now tied to a horse. I run and run. The feeling is I won't escape long. They are evil children. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | They belong to the bad guy. The male robot man is there and Ellie says he should be allowed to listen to baseball games. He loves them. The bad guy says, "Well, why not?" He puts his arm around him and says, "Is that what you want?" The robot doesn't respond but Ellie insists that is what he wants. Another bad guy robot says he can't hear them, so let him read about it. Ellie insists he can hear them. She says he's audio. (NLP) I grab him and lay him down, with my legs wrapped around him in a wrestler hold and I say things and watch his eye patterns. "Yes, he is audio," I confirm. The woman robot says she wants to be pregnant. The bad guy agrees. The second bad guy robot says, "How can you do this?" The bad guy says, "It's OK, it's just hypnotist stuff." They do it and then I have them back. The robot bad guy says, "Then I have a favor to ask of you. Will you put this package in MY car? (he owns it but because he's a robot the other guy uses it) and put a nice saying with it." I put my arm around his shoulder and hug him teasingly, "You mean something sentimental and nice?" I ask. "Like "1-2-3-4, beat it, beat it." It's a joke and I laugh. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am fixing things inside and outside of the house. I have help, from Uncle Lionel and other men and maybe some women. I run from the outside to the inside and back, telling them what I want. I have to tell them where I want them to start clipping the hedge; they are starting at the wrong end. And then inside I have to tell them what kind of shelves and where I want them. It feels like they aren't very helpful. They argue with me and don't think ahead. I scurry back and forth, frustrated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see a large goldfish in a cute, hooded suit standing on its fins on dry land next to the pond. A cat is nearby and the fish chases it away. I wonder if it can last much longer before getting back in water. Later, I am in a huge house, a mansion. I live there and am exploring the many rooms. I see a series of unexplored rooms off the back and side. One has a huge barber chair in it; another has pinball machines. Another has a bunch of wall clocks that are all exactly alike, no frames, just the numbers in a circle and the hands going around. I consider that a real waste of money. Why would anyone do that? A group of men, musicians, come in from the side door and they each have instruments. The one I talk with has a mandolin in a cloth case. I say, "What, go out there without even the protection of a banjo in front of me?" Later, I go outside and see a huge shallow place where it used to be a swim pool. Someone fills it with water. It's shallow but swimable. Now I am on a boat, fishing. I am catching salmon and doing it expertly and well. The driver of the boat is a good-looking man who is very pleased with my matter of fact style of fishing. Then I catch a big one. I'm quite excited. "Oh dear," I say, "what if it's a dolphin? Or a shark?" I let it go. Now we get back to the mansion and I'm getting dolled up for the prom party that night. I have a younger sister. We look great. We walk down the stairs. I think the party is in honor of an older grandmother, matriarch. That same man who was the driver of the boat now comes over and invites me to dance. I curl up in his arms and we are a perfect fit. He feels just right. I like being near him. I don't want the dance to stop. We are interrupted by another man. I dance with him, aware that he doesn't feel as good. I am glad to get back to my love. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Charla drives a little car/boat up out of the water and onto the cement stairs on land. She was going so fast she couldn't stop. Now I'm seated on a toilet seat and peeing and no matter how hard I try to not let it leak out and get on the floor it goes down my leg and all over the floor. My father and my mother and an Aunt are in the tiny bathroom with me and my father is trying to fix the molding around the edge of the room and this yellow urine puddle is building. I am so embarrassed. I say, "I'm sorry. No matter how hard I try to keep it in the toilet, it leaks out." They help clean it up and try to make light of it. "I'm not even sitting on my raised toilet seat," I say, "and there is no reason why this is coming out." I guess I waited too long before I went and had too much to release. It was an unstoppable flow. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Howard and I are in a house. I walk to a back room I haven't been paying attention to. I see a window pane is broken and a large bush is growing in through the hole. I see that someone has tried to fix the window problem. Howard comes in and wants us to talk. I groan, laughing a bit at myself and my resistance to this connection. He is gentle and coaxes me to sit beside him. I point out the broken window and say I hadn't noticed it, but obviously someone did. I was glad they did. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and become aware of a dangerous man outside who is going to come in and hurt me. I must hide. I open a cabinet and crawl in with the blankets. I have a pet dog with me. Together we hide, knowing we'll get caught anyway. We wait in fear. He comes in and stands near the door to the cabinet. He is going to rape and kill me. Then I think the dog makes a noise and he finds us. We are standing in the room and now the man is a tiny deformed midget woman. I have a baby girl who stares at her and ask why she has such short legs. I try to shush the girl as I don't want the woman to be offended and hurt us even worse. I decide to make a run for it and grab the girl and go. It's so hard, like each step is in slow motion and painfully slow and difficult. Now I must return to get the police and pass the house. I choose to take a side road to not be seen, but I'm still so close she sees me. I then think, "Why don't I just bus to town and then she won't see me?" I change this and do that. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am seated around a table with some other people and I am explaining a conversational phenomenon. I am explaining like I am teaching a class, and indeed there are a small group of my peers (counselors) I am talking to. I say that it is very interesting because if you are a good observer, you can tell when the conscious mind is speaking and when it shifts to the unconscious mind. I talk about how we are influenced by both and the subtle shifts can be tracked. I talk knowledgeably and the group is very impressed with me. I feel confident. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Now I am at another table and am exposing the man who isn't what he says he is. Everyone is shocked to learn this. I feel bad doing this, but it is necessary. Now I go to the window and see a store and people are going in and out and then I realize it is on fire. I see some smoke in the second story. I see people still trying to go in and think that is strange they would chance going shopping in a burning building, although the fire isn't seen yet as it is still small. Then the building suddenly is gone and I am shocked. It is supposed to be there but all I see is a new street intersection. I realize I am looking at a future picture. Later I am at a table with a woman and a woman bartender talking about dreams. We are impressed with their completeness and beauty. Later out the window I see the building again. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in charge of setting the family feast table. I run from one end to the other overseeing. People bring in dish after dish of good foods. I try to organize them in some way, the main dishes here, the salads together there, a bowl of lemon slices at each end of the table. Across the table and facing me is a man watching. He is pleased with me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am feeling strong emotion and want to go to a cafe where I can sit alone and write about it, or feel it. I walk and walk. I see a cafe, but it's closed. I go to the outskirts of town and see some pancake houses. I go into one and as I am standing at the counter. I talk to a woman friend, maybe Ginny. I have decided to buy an eye thing for this mentally retarded girl so she can see out of her bad eye. It's like buying her an eyeball for part of one so she can see. I'm going to put it on my Visa. As I am doing this, Nate suddenly comes up to me from behind. I see him and I see his 12-year-old son. So we talk like strangers or acquaintances. The back of his son's head is bumpy and big and ill formed. So are his ears. My father is the man at the counter doing my Visa. He hands it back and I ask if he put it in the right (correct) pocket. He hasn't and I'm a bit annoyed. Nate's wife comes in and I try to behave normally and nonchalant. I tell him I'm buying this eye thing for this MR girl. I feel a bit self-righteous. I am then putting my things back in my purse and decide to give my paper toy train cutouts to the son. I hand him one his father has already put together for me and then I see a line of paper doll cutouts all holding hands and give them to him and then see a line of little black animals and give him that. Now I am on my way. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm in a house. An ornate clock is given me, like a grandfather clock, only table size. It could sit on a table. Howard is there. It seems odd we are together after all these years. Too bad it's too late. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Jared invites me to sit next to him on the couch. I don't want to, but hesitate. Finally, I say, as an excuse, "The couch is too low for me to be comfortable, but I prefer to sit on the chair next to the couch. See, we'll still be sitting close together." A compromise. I go to sit on the chair and then a woman, the mother of a man in the room, says, "Did you throw up in here?" I feel sticky stuff on my pants leg on the right side and see purple gunk. I stand up. The mother follows me into the next room to assist me in cleaning up. Dora is there helping. We agree it is best to take the pants off so she can thoroughly clean them. I go into the adjoining room to sit on the bed so I can take them off. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am helping a man study some bats. He's a nice man. I like him. We go down to a room where the bats are. We have to be careful. Now we are in a tiny, square room between the down room and the up room, to protect ourselves from the bats, which could attack. Now the man goes upstairs and the other people too, to have lunch. I stay and study the bats. I'd like some lunch, but they don't offer any and I don't ask. I continue working on the bats. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a table-like thing; cousin Sebastian and others are there. I am eating my toast and then I want the toast left over on the other end of the table. I can't seem to fill myself up. I lick the jelly off a yellow plastic thing and then get a bit queasy when I realize the paint is in with the jelly. I need to pee, so I go to the women's room. There are two tiny potty chairs, already being used. I go stand up over a toilet no one is supposed to use and pull the shower curtain closed around it. I pee. Delores M comes in. We chat. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am flying my own little plane, a two engine something and I notice I am low down like the scene might be seen from a car. It is too low, so I decide to pull it up to 5000 feet, above anything I could hit, like wires or low mountains. I have a hard time getting it up there and feel a bit afraid of heights, but I see the view is breathtaking. I am headed toward M City. Now my parents are calling me on the radio. I have a hard time hearing them and they have to repeat things. They say they have some things they need too talk over with me and can I come over. I say, "OK, I'll do that now; over and out." I call to the airport for landing instructions. The name of my plane is the BabyJo, and some numbers. They tell me what altitude and what direction. I fly over a low hill that is sort of an open air museum of ancient Aztec-like round calendars stones with hieroglyphics on them. I think I'd like to go down there and look sometime. I see one of the smaller stones and think, "Now that one REALLY is ours. The others are probably loaned out to us by the big museum system, and belong to everybody." I find the airport, a circle on the plains, with a runway. I come down OK. The men who work at the airport really want to meet me. I have some reputation they admire. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am working a script and Ernie is there. I think I'm at his house. Ricardo and Rigo are there too. Now I want to go out, perhaps to a rehearsal. I borrow Ernie's car. Ricardo has the keys. I run out to get them from him before he leaves. The key is shaped like a tiny miniature loaf of bread. I have trouble getting the key turned in the ignition. Then I am backing up and nearly hit a car behind me. The car doesn't stop very well and I must really press hard and long on the brakes, but still I slide and keep moving slowly. Ernie is outside looking around the rear bumper saying, "Be careful, you nearly hit that car." I am annoyed because I knew what I was doing and didn't hit it. I am also feeling some relief that I had managed to not hit the car, as it's almost out of my control. I drive forward, slipping and sliding, and look carefully to see if cars are coming. Ernie is concerned that I'll screw up. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am given a task of teaching. I must prepare a series of questions and so on as I will moderate or facilitate a panel discussion on topics given me by my woman boss. It's a big job. I set to work reading the questions and trying to come up with answers so I know the subjects. She comes in and says, "We need to do it now." I'm not ready, but I gamely say I can do it. I kinda think maybe I can manage it. I need to go to the bathroom. We're sort of in the old M City house. I go upstairs and step into a tiny bathroom at the top of the stairs (which never existed in the real M City house). The toilet is broken. There is no seat; it is blue and chipped and not too clean. I remember there is the regular bathroom downstairs at the foot of the stairs and decide to go where it is more comfortable. I kind of peek into the door of the bedroom that used to be my parents'. I don't see much. I go back downstairs. I see a very high step where one of the steps had been removed, probably the one that squeaked and was cracked when I lived there. It's hard to make the step, but I do. I knock on the bathroom door. A woman opens the door and is showing me creams and things for the face, like I was a teen and she was showing me the right way to do makeup. She takes a huge glob of Vaseline in one hand and a huge glob of lotion in the other and mixes them together, all the while lecturing me how oil and water don't mix and this will be very bad to do on the face. I think this is a waste of lots of material, because she uses so much. I leave, not buying anything, feeling a bit guilty as she wasted so much to show me. I go into the kitchen, and pick up my papers. I need to buy stamps now for the teaching job I'm about to do. I buy them from the woman of the lotions. I go into the other room and ask my woman boss did she pay the woman for the stamps? The boss says, "No, you need to do that, but I can partially reimburse you later." What a nuisance, but I return to pay her I ask her how much I owe. She figures for a while and then says 140 dollars. I am shocked that is much more than I thought it was worth. I am frustrated, but feel I must pay it, but resent it. I start to take out the money and first give her some coins -- quarters, pennies, a half dollar coin. I ask how much I've given her so far. She says, "You're one point short." I am annoyed. What does that mean? I ask shortly, "Does that mean 99 cents?" She sighs at me, exasperated. "98 cents," she says, like I should know that. I've got a long way to go to make 140 dollars. I pull out the cash, and lay out the full amount, not liking doing this. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I live in an apartment at the top of the stairs. Apparently they are giving a tour of the building because people are coming in. I don't want them in and I run to the side door and slam it shut and lock it and go to the living room and shut the drapes, and make a sign that says "Not On Tour" and tape it to the front door and slam it shut, but not before a man, a woman, and a teen girl come in. They are stealing things from me and I go to the bedroom and get my shotgun. I come out and point it at the man. He laughs, and continues to take things. I aim at a shoulder or a leg, a nonvital part, and I shoot. I mean business. He backs off. I shoot the woman in the stomach and she falls out of the room and down some stairs. I go to see her and she is curled in a fetal ball with lots of blood coming out of her belly area. Now I pick her up and run to the emergency room with her. They are busy and not too caring there. I carry her to a bed a nurse takes me to. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Now I am back at the apartment and the teen daughter returns. It is Lydia's "daughter" and Lydia was the woman I had shot, sort of. The daughter is being evasive and I suspect she has taken drugs. We, the woman and I, pick her up as she fights us, and take her to the emergency room. She insists she's fine and hasn't taken drugs. Again we go to the emergency room. We follow the nurse down the hall to a five-bed ward. We choose a bed for her to rest in. I look the room over and decide we chose the right bed after all. The other one by the door is also right by where they put the empty garbage cans and a noisy garbage truck works near there. The doctor comes over and does a test and says she has traces of board and other elements that indicate she has taken drugs. Board is a material that is in some drug as a filler. So now we can take her home. I sit her up in a chair ready to carry her home and I say to her, "You better listen girl, the third times the charm. You do this another time and you will not be rescued. We won't do it again. You will have to suffer the consequences. We mean it, too." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A man and I are trying not to get caught in the spell of the aliens. I have hidden something important, maybe the essence of me, in a tiny, miniature doll I keep in a small case with other miniature dolls. They are searching everywhere for this little doll. I must not let them be aware I know where the essence is or that I am aware they want it from me, pretend I don't know nothing. I had put the doll in a safe place. One of them had come into my room and was spraying the walls with a shower nozzle spray thing. I demanded they stop that, I know they are searching for the doll. They leave the room. Now one of them, sort of like a gay man, gets suspicious I'm not under their spell. He bites me on the neck, or something like that. Now I pretend to follow him around. I sit down He leans over me from behind me, so his hands are on my thighs and his skinny, naked chest is right by my mouth. This is supposed to heat me up sexually and I'm a slave for his touches. I do get sexually excited and suck on his nipples and arch my back to get orgasm. Inside, I shrug to myself. This will throw them off track. They are very suspicious of me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a young woman who lives in a huge family. It is so big there are no places in the house where you can be alone. The couch is overrun with squabbling siblings of all ages. I want to go to the bathroom and must rush in and try to lock the doors before I'm interrupted by other siblings. This is driving me crazy. Finally I can't take it any more and I decide to run away from home. I hit out at some of the fighting kids on the couch as I pass them as I head for the front door. I get on my bike and go. Now I'm on a road, gravely, and following a huge truck. Now we are in a tunnel and it is dark and fearsome. I hope I don't get killed. I make it through to the other side. It's a town. I have the feeling the time period of this dream is older and maybe in Ireland. I want to find a place to live, an apartment, but of course I have no money. The shops are like in an indoor mall. I go to the bad part of town and see a carnival-like thing and wonder if I'll resort to taking a degrading job just to earn money for survival. But I pass the temptation of being a come-on girl for a booth and go to a counter where they do movies and ask the girl/woman there if they have any jobs. She laughs and says, "This is a very specialized job." I don't have the skills or training. I say, "I know," and ask her again if I can have a job. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Some man like Raul wants to hang out with me. I live in a tiny trailer, camper-like thing. We hug and I agree he can come stay for a few days. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Someone is crawling into a box that is too small for him, perhaps a man. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Murphy Brown and the crew are staying at a motel they have rented to do a show. In the garage are four white cars, very spendy and pretty. The show is over and Murphy wants to drive one of the cars. Miles pretends great fear that something will go wrong and says no. Murphy says, "Yes, let's do it." She gets in one car. He gets in the passenger side. She somehow manages to get it out of the garage by driving between the other cars; it's a tight fit. Now she's driving. She puts her arm across the seat and looks out the back window and jokes about how there is no long back end (like my van). Now she's driving fast down the road and Miles is nervous, "Don't go so fast, be careful. She says, "Let's see how fast this thing goes. She speeds up. She says, "I'm only doing 40, and Miles says, "But it's a 300 mile zone." She sees a car ahead and hits the brakes, a fender bender. They stop. A tiny bit of red paint from their car is on our car. He gets out and tries to make it seem it is a dent and much worse than it is. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Murphy Brown and the gang are staying at a motel. They're up early for breakfast, eat a lot and then go back to bed, but our room is the passage the employees use to get to their jobs in the restaurant. And now they are up and coming through, so we get up again and have another breakfast. I gorge myself. Jim Dial sings a cute song to Frank, then a sweet love song to me. He shyly reaches out to hold my hand, but doesn't finish the gesture because he doesn't know how to react to my deformed hand. I hold it out for him to hold and he does so. The audience watches, enjoying the scene. Then he sings a magnificent opera to a large woman on my left. The audience agrees it's his best song. He leaves, with a little self-satisfied grin on his face. Now Corky and I and another woman are going to lie down and nap, but hey, we're on vacation, what is there to do round this seaside resort? We are restless, wanting to do it all. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | My parents are moving five miles east of A City, near M City in L City. I think maybe I might move there, but then I remember it's a smaller town and only one main street. I'd not be as entertained there as I am in E City downtown, with places to be. But it might be nice to go back, revisit the emotions that town brings to me. So I'm going to help them move, I think. I get in the car, which is a VW bus. My father says, "You sure drive that well." I say, "I learned how to drive on one of these." Now Rochelle is driving and we are going up the coast. The ocean is on the left. We are going to M City to visit. A TV crew is preparing to tape something. A man crew member does two jobs. He is right now creeping up to something with a cardboard he sometimes wears like a disguise or a sign, with a hole cut out for his face. Now we are still driving. A young girl is concerned, a man is like a lawyer or judge and they are trying to determine if the girl has been sexually abused. The man says, "Maybe she hasn't, and just thinks she has." Now I have a "memory flash" A hand is beckoning me from an attic room. I am maybe 5 or 6 years old and my family is temporarily living with another family, a black family, and everyone is gone for now. I go up the stairs to this attic room and the man is smiling and says, "Come on in, let me show you around." I go in and there is a couch, bed thing and he lays me on that and talks dirty and plays with himself. His wife comes in and talks, like nothing much is going on. Maybe it wasn't so awful, then. Then I feel sexual excitement and masturbate to orgasm, feeling a little guilty that I should enjoy such stuff. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I see an image. I am on the very top of a heap of people. I lay on my back, face up toward the sky, reaching out to touch what? the sky itself? God? | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a woman who lives on a piece of land that has a mountain of trees from the back door on and a central (state) rocky terrain from the front door. I am garrulous and talking to a woman friend. Some men come to the door and I let them in and I'm telling my woman friend how we get our food here, that we won't go hungry because I grow pumpkins in the back. In fact, I'll be serving my men guests pumpkin pie for dinner tonight. I walk to the front door and look out and up. I see a square hole being sawed out of the blue sky and four men in blue shirts fall out of the hole like they'd been kicked out of heaven. They fall across the sky, rather than down, toward earth. There are four holes or so. I marvel that they start healing themselves up and soon there are no holes in the sky. I go back in explaining about what I saw to my friend. I carry a one-dollar bill in my hand and a shirt. I wear a black crocheted shawl over my T-shirt and jeans. I have ample bosoms. I'm going to give this one-dollar to the young man who has come to visit. I try to find a place to put the dollar so no one will see it and get tempted to steal it. First I lay it under a backpack on a shelf, then I tuck it into my jeans pocket. I say to the woman, "They had blue shirts on too. I guess when you are drummed out of heaven, they don't take your blue shirt from you too." I laugh. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I give back the car keys to my boyfriend, who isn't treating me well. He's like Ted Danson on Cheers, a womanizer. I feel some regret because now I don't have a car and will have to figure out how to get around on my own. Now his other girlfriend needs to tell him goodbye and I am encouraging her to have the courage. She struggles and hesitates. I whisper, "Come on girl, come on. You can do it." Finally she does. She tells him it's over. Now I have to lead some group in a discussion of feelings. Two men have trouble. One is trying to share his feelings and another man is belligerent and noisy and interrupts him and they get into a verbal fight. Finally I say, "That's enough, you, leave." The man defies me and then finally leaves. Then they all leave. Now I am left with cleaning up and shutting the place up myself and I hadn't done that before. I don't know how to turn down the damper on the stove to get the fire to go out and be safe. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and a bit of a failure for not managing to keep the group together. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Chuck, one of the men of that previous dreams group, doesn't want to share his feelings and suggests the democratic nonsmoking group meet to discuss how not to participate in the feeling sharing part. I'm trying to convince them to try it; they will feel much better. One man says, "But it is too dangerous and hurtful." I explain patiently that if one lets the feelings out when they are small, there is no harm or danger. It's when you keep them stuffed inside until they grow and grow that they can explode and hurt. He's not convinced. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm at a class and the man teacher is drawing things on the board. I am amazed that in just a swipe of the chalk, he can draw quite complex pictures with perspective. I say, "Does everyone but me draw good?" Then I go closer and see that the complex pictures are already on the board and when he swipes the chalk over it, it raises the picture up so we can see it. I say, "Oh, so that's how you do it." He shushes me; he doesn't want the others to know. Then I put a pink baby bonnet I made on his head, as a joke, and giggle at how silly he looks. Then it's graduation time and I receive some plants and some cats as gifts, a black cat and an orange one. The plant looks like a bird of paradise plant. It needs to be transplanted to do well. Now a fat woman named Velma (from high school) says she's getting married right now. She wears a pretty pink night gown and I go get the baby bonnet made and give it too her to wear as her veil. I give her the orange cat back. I carry it to the car. Her husband gets in, she gets in and I hand her the cat. They drive away. I go in to transplant my plants and take care of my black cat. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There are vague images of cutting open a stomach, taking out the incubating alien. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am preparing to write a play or something and the deadline is approaching. I am procrastinating. I sit at a table and Arthur sits on my left. I am at the head or end of the table. I am talking with him and pat his hand and he reaches and keeps hold of my hand in an affectionate gesture. I am surprised. This isn't usual for him to be demonstrative. It's a convenient part of the procrastination, but now it's nearly time to be on stage and I quickly come up with an outline. We get on stage and I look around at the few props and so on and we begin improving dialogue. Then I realize we are on the wrong stage. This is the backstage, behind the one where the audience is waiting. I can hear them. A crewman comes and I say, "How do we get up on that stage?" I see a crawl hole I might have to climb up, a tight fit and a tough climb. Then he helps me and I tell him go get the props and be sure to bring my power wheelchair. I'll use it in part of the play. Now I am seated in the wheelchair. I hold a microphone in my right hand, and light a cigarette (for the part), kind of surprised I allow myself to smoke. I kind of enjoy doing it again. My chair gets a bit caught up in the fringe of the curtain and I struggle with the mike cord, but get on stage and begin the play. I circle around the stage examining where the props are so I know what I have to work with. I see two pianos, and one has ink pens on it for the survey bit and another has matchbooks on it. I notice that the grand piano can't be played from the position it is in and decide it doesn't matter. A woman comes in and she sits and gets a massage. I create dialogue with her as we go. I say, "Are you here for a nice massage?" She says, "Yes." I suggest after the massage, she start filling out the survey (seeing as that's the structure of the play, that survey about relationships). We doing OK when I realize the audience is far away; there are not very many of them. I see a row in the front of seven or eight women and then lots of empty seats and some more people scattered in the back. The curtain isn't fully open and blocks us from the audience view. I wheel over to where the curtain is partly open, more at the center of the stage, and send my dialogue at them, but must return to the side of the stage where we are doing the play. It is uncomfortable, not working well. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a teen boy and I go into my house and steal things from my mother. She comes in the back door and I go out the front door. She yells at me and starts chasing after me. I run and get on a truck, hitchhiking. Now I charm all the young ladies and use them and then throw them away. Each girl is represented by a short box of Kleenex. When the box is empty, I sweep it out in a sweeper that is the same shape as the box, one after another. They cry and beg, but I love them and leave them. I am in a car, in the trunk now, and see I'm in central (state). I get out and wander around. I walk down a road and see berry pickers and listen in to their inane conversations as they talk to each other to pass the time as they work. Then I see I am in town and see a beautiful teen girl, a perfect cheerleader type. I want her and begin to lean on walls and smile and flirt. She looks directly at me, so that for a moment, I am her. She ignores him and is also very aware of him. She walks on down the street and he follows her everywhere. She goes into a cafe. He does too. She is eating. He says he wants her napkin. He gets up, in a flirty move, and takes her napkin, dips it in another boy's glass of water, flirting with him simultaneously and then hands the napkin to the bad boy. Now the bad boy is challenging her to a hot dog eating contest. He says three, she says no, just two. He insists. They argue the numbers back and forth. Then suddenly she falls to the ground and lies there in a trance. He gets up and looks. She has a cross-eyed mad woman look on her face and a message is written across this "picture." It says "Mad Dog Alison, brutally beaten." It was like she had another dark personality under her beautiful one because she's been abused. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Bad men are threatening. They have a CD disk-like thing that is very powerful and can explode. Data decides to take over and strong-arms the men away from him as he blows a flame from his mouth to light a candle (like a birthday cake candle) that will set the whole place afire. He then decides to keep the CD disk thing. Why destroy all that power even if it could be dangerous in the wrong hands? The flames are starting too get big so he starts to leave, then noticing that the oven is on and the roast is now cooked well done. He turns the oven down and then off, thinking how sad to waste a perfectly good roast. Bad timing, but it can't be helped. He leaves. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I decide to go out and get a newspaper. I decide to go in a different direction than I usually do. I discover the usual way up the sidewalk has been "improved" and is now more difficult for me to traverse. It is like a ladder made of cubicles, and inside the cubicles (boxes) are bricks put in a pattern that makes a toe hold difficult for me. I struggle up each one, hanging on hard, hoping I can make it. I get to the top and crawl over the top. A man stands there wondering if he should offer help. I say, "Help me," holding out an arm. He does. I go down a street and see a store and go in to get my newspaper. I see the president is there at a conference, perhaps in the basement, and then I am now in a skimpy outfit where all the women are being fitted for these form-fitting halter top-like things. A woman stands right behind me saying she can see I'm being fitted, so she'll follow me so she can get fitted. I am annoyed and say I am not being fitted. Each halter top is alike, a white square top with straps that force the boobs up prettily. Some women's boobs sort of drop under the wire cup outfit a bit. I decide since the president is here, I'd might as well take advantage of this and go complain about these changes in the sidewalk that now make it harder for me to get around. I go down and find both Bush and Clinton there. I walk up to Clinton and say, "Although I have to blame Bush, as it was his administration that made the plans, it is you that has to change it back. We have to be more aware of the environment and how it affects the disabled." He looks annoyed and I say, "I know it costs money and is unpopular, but it has to be done if any change will happen." As I continue talking, I am now talking to a president who is a woman. She hands me something, a lacy cloth "paper." Another woman sits on the couch and says to her, "Well, you sure have pretty feminine paper here." The president says, "I get a lot of teasing. The men don't like it; it will take some time for them to get used to this change. I notice my lacy panties are down around my ankles and I start to struggle, pulling them up. A man is seated across from us and he is trying not to stare. I am trying to be subtle, but in fact I am standing there hiking up my panties. I get it almost up and give up in frustration, sitting down with them uncomfortably wrinkled up almost at my hips. The woman says to the president, "Well, you sure can tell you used to teach the third grade and not..." (and she named some male traditional occupation.) | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and two young married couples are there kissing and hugging and I feel like a fifth wheel. I smile indulgently remembering there are lots of bedrooms here and stroll on out to have breakfast. I go outside and see Charla. I am dancing in an exercise kind of way. There is lots of good energy; it's time to move again. I pick up my mail and open an ad for the new Mobil station, which has just been remodeled and open for business. Charla says, "What did I get?" and I say, "This is just an ad. Let's go get breakfast." She picks up a glass of milk from a table in a cafe where people are seated and drinks. We smile and go on to fix breakfast. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a sort of hotel, but it's where my family lives. The relatives are coming over. I offer them juices to drink. I say, "Orange? cranberry? grape?" They don't like the cranberry suggestion. I go into my mother's room to find the juices to make (frozen juices). I am also looking for the script of American Woman because I want to share that with my relatives. They weren't at the reading last night. I can only find the first few pages and the end page. I remember I have the video and can show them that. I say to Patricia, "Don't worry. We'll set it up in two different rooms so only those that want to see it will; the rest we can entertain in other ways." I am going to go down the stairs and see an elevator and then see a glass French door to another area of the hotel. I realize I want to go there and see what that part is like. I go in and see I am standing on a sort of balcony looking down over a huge, beautiful room that has a waterfall where the huge fireplace area would be. The sound is beautiful. I feel the balcony area wobble and shake. I lay down on the floor to balance it. I feel it is important to be there and balance, listening to the beauty of the waterfall. I return to the main room and see a cousin, male. I say to him, "I want to share with you this special place I found." He is spiritual and agrees. I see another male and invite him to join us. I say, "I forgot your name; no, I remember, it is Erik Erickson." They have both written books about their particular New Age spiritual feelings, and are open to the wonders I want to show them; or at least they wouldn't laugh at me. They agree to come with me to the balcony in the other room to look at the waterfall. Other relatives wander around, Aunt Naomi, cousin Patricia, cousin Lenny. They do not understand. I know that and it is all right. I'm not asking them to join or to understand. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A group of people are waiting to use a public restroom. I am inside and point out to someone that there are two stalls that flush, one in a stall for privacy, the other just out there in the room. I say we could save time if we used both. Someone sits on the private one and farts and makes noises loudly as a statement about how they feel about doing this publicly. I grimace and smile; it is expected they would do this childish thing, and it is kind of funny. I go out to the group and tell them that we do have two stalls and it is their choice if they feel they can handle the embarrassment to use the open one. We'll get done faster that way. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am so sad and I cry. Jock holds me from behind in a gentle counseling embrace as I sob and sob. We lay down under a table and I make some joke about being tabled while I'm being counseled. I feel exhausted, with a headache. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I work for a radio station and am very well endowed in the breasts. I wear a shapeless sweatshirt to cover me up so men won't stare. They are going to a company party thing at the ""farm." I go inside and then overhear a conversation the men are having about me. One says, "I don't know if she's with us or not." I can't tell if there is a commitment. She seems to not care one way or the other. I realize this is so, and go to a closet and choose a pretty jacket to wear to the party. Now I look very good and I go out there to join them but all the men stare at my breasts and it makes me very uncomfortable. I get on the piece of shingled roof we are going to fly on with the man, who is like the WKPR radio salesman, a sleaze ball. I tell Charla to sit nearer me and not so close to the edge. We start to fly. It is precarious and I nearly fall off several times. We arrive at the farm and I see the cows, one a scrawny tough old male. I say, "I hope I don't meet up with him." We go on to the house. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am lying on a couch, dead like. I look around the room and see it is still exactly like the moment the accident happened that killed me. A plant like my angel wing begonia lies in pieces on the floor where it was knocked over. A woman picks it up and brings the stem and leaves to me and says, "Look. Part of this is still alive. But it is without care and water for so long, but if you take care of it, it will live again." I am saddened and amazed that this could be revived. I sit up, now realizing I too am alive. My parents (sort of like Grandma Mildred and Grandpa Lloyd) are in the room and I get up and walk to them. They are shocked and happy to see I am alive. I go to Grandpa "dad" and he is seated in an easy chair, and I say to him, "Don't ever do this again. You left me for dead." He apologizes and his eyes are sad as he realizes what he did. I go back and sit on the couch and look out the window. High up on the hill is a new building, the new schoolhouse. My friends are there. I wave at them and my best friend sees me and they all run down to see me, so glad I am alive again. They swarm into the house. I am excited to see them. A man is there, a boyfriend of my friend, or my boyfriend. We all hug in reunion. I go out with them to get on the bus. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am told by Bonnie that there is a possible scholarship coming up that I can apply for. I go to the meeting and stand up to present my case. I can't seem to get around several black women of the committee who will make the judgment. I need to get up to the front of the stage so I can give a clear plea for my case. I finally just squeeze around them and feel like I'm being rude by standing in front of them, but I do it. Maya Angelou is in the audience and is on the committee that will make the decision. I tell them I write. "I am a freelance writer. I write poetry, plays, screenplays, and novels as well as other things, and I could use the 200 dollar grant or scholarship." I ask someone if it should be called a grant or a scholarship. They say, "Scholarship." My friend Bonnie, who is also on the committee, comes up, looking unhappy and sad. She says, "I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that I can't vote for you, and the others shouldn't as well because I had forgotten the rules. You would have to publish five things in five years and I don't think that is possible." She walks away, upset she had to do that to her friend. The women go away, believing her. I am hurt and angry. I go looking for Bonnie. I am in the old M City kitchen and I hear Mateo calling me from the bathroom. He comes out and says, "Hi," and talks in a friendly way. I say I like his longer hair style. I go out, calling Bonnie. She comes to me and I say, "I can't believe you did that." She says, "I'm sorry, I had forgotten the stipulations and I had to do that." She is torn between two loyalties, me, her friend and they, her community. I start to gather up my audio tapes I'd used as evidence of my work and accidentally pick up some others and put them back. They have sticker labels on them with their names on it and I wonder if I bothered to label mine with my name. I ask where Maya Angelou is. I really wanted to talk to her and meet her. Bonnie says, "She's tired and busy and has gone on." I am disappointed. Bonnie then goes to do other things and I call after her. "I can't believe you didn't have enough faith in me and my work that you believe I can't be published five times in five years. If I can't do that, I shouldn't even be writing." I repeat that. "I shouldn't even be writing if that were true. The only reason I haven't done it so far is that I haven't been marketing and sending my work out. I'd do that." She looks at me and turns to go talk to the black woman on the committee to rescind her statement. I wait. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am somewhere, a house, perhaps. Dovre is there. A small third grade girl is there, maybe Paulina, and Ginny and cousin Abner. I am busy doing something, maybe trying to clean up. Xmas presents are in a pile and cousin Abner says one is on the floor and Paulina says, "Is it the ceramic cat?" I smile at her naive way she gave away the info of her gift to me. I say, "I don't know, I'll have to wait until Xmas and see. Paulina is making something and I say, "Hey, you're pretty good at arts and crafts." She smiles and suggests she use my Lessons 9 and 10. I smile at her clever way to get my arts and crafts stuff to use. I say, "We'll do something together later. Then I see Dovre is in a small room and blowing up a square plastic thing and I say, "What's that, a square globe of the world?" she shakes her head no. I say, "Then what?" She pulls out a handle on the side and puts it at her feet. "Oh, a hassock, I say, "are you opening your Xmas gifts early?" I ask. She shrugs and agrees. I say, "It's your gifts, but I sure wish you'd wait." She seems depressed and I say, "There are other ways you can beat this depression than opening your gifts early and being disappointed in them." I smile at her, implying that I as a counselor can give her good ways to lick the depression. Then I see a white cat, scrawny and ill, crawl up and lay down near me. Its left paw is unusual, almost like a cross between a hand and a turkey claw (or chicken claw). I say, "Hey, I think it's sick." I say to Paulina, "Let's get it some food." Abner comes by and I say, "We'll give it some food and send it on its way," knowing it'll probably stick near us if we feed it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A young boy around 8 years old is in an orphanage. The head mistress doesn't like him and picks on him. Now he is 14 and has given birth to a baby. No one knows who the woman was, or maybe she gave birth but he has the baby, I'm not sure. Anyway, here comes the dark-haired, fierce, stone-faced head mistress looking for him. He hides with the baby in a box in the closet, covering them up with clothes. She is suspicious and sniffs around very close. A sheriff is called in and he and his men are around looking too. The boy calls out for help from his peers. They decide to create a diversionary tactic so he can escape. The boy comes out of hiding and runs. He calls the head mistress a lesbian. Her face goes red. She is livid with anger at this accusation. It is unclear if she's angry at a false accusation, or if she is feeling caught and embarrassed. She clearly is angry. He runs and then stops long enough to pick up a small box which has a tiny woman in it. The woman is a teacher at the orphanage and is the mother of the baby. She seduced the boy and he kept it secret to protect her. He says goodbye to her and goes off. Now time has passed and he's a grown man in his own home. He works hard and has a nice home, but he loves to iron clothes because it feels satisfying to get out the wrinkles. He does this when he wants to feel relaxed and happy. The sheriff returns to question him about the origins of the baby. He calls to a man, a gay man, to come and tell the sheriff they were together that evening to help with an alibi. The man hesitates and then agrees. Someone tells the young man he acts like a woman and prefers to be like a woman, by that I mean not physically, just in the things he likes to do, like cook and clean and raise the baby and so on. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trying to fill out the forms for Social Security. Andrea has written out the right words for me in a succinct paragraph. I see the form has four parts with a question and a long blank space to answer in. I lay out the four pages so I can see them all in a row so I can make sense of them better. I partially copy her sentences and rewrite it with my own ideas. and words. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a bar and am attracted to this man. He asks me to dance, and it seems promising. I have some concern that he is just a jerk and I don't see it. I go into the restroom to ask my girlfriend who has dated him what she thinks. She says he's not perfect and has his faults, but he's OK. I decide to take him home with me and see what happens. I am attracted and he to me. Then for some reason, I am supposed to have the hair on my legs permanently removed. I am in a hospital-like room and the nurse has me lie down on my tummy on some surface like an ironing board. I ask, "Will it hurt?" The nurse laughs and says, "Of course it will." I tense up and flinch every time I think they are going to start. The nurse says, "We have to take you to the other place." I get on a bus. We drive and the bus stops, parked. The bus driver gets out, then the bus starts back up. I say, "Are we moving?" and look out the window. We are slowly moving and the speed is increasing. People start to get upset. Another woman gets up to go to the seat to try and stop the bus. I push her aside and do it myself. I say, "I can do it." I steer and push on the brakes, and get us back to our parking space safely, carefully trying to avoid running over the tea cups sitting all over the area. Now we go inside, a woman "witch doctor" type takes me into a room, a round room with lots of windows. My man friend is there. She hypnotizes me and I float up and smile pleasantly at the man. She says, "I'll try it now and see if she feels it." She does my legs and I feel no pain. Now it's the next day and I see strange men in a line outside the window. It's flashbacks from the trance. Two men come in, a short one and a tall one. I ask for their names. The short one says his name. I say, "Did you say your name was Violent?" He says, "No, I said my name was Violet." "Oh, that's better," I say. Now I am home and doing dishes and thinking about that nice man I danced with. He comes in the door and we smile. We dance and kiss; it's very pleasant. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a town and walking down a sidewalk. Charla is in a box, a cardboard box, and playing. I pick up the box and am carrying her home (feels a bit like M City). We pass a group of her first grade class doing some summer time activity, like a class picture. She decides now she wants to join them. I say, "Too late. You could have joined them before, but you chose to play around." Charla cries and I resolve to continue, to be consistent. I say to the group as we pass, "Sorry." The teacher understands. As we continue on, I realize Charla will be missing lots of fun and I circle around and ask the teacher if it's too late for Charla to join them. She says it's fine. I lecture Charla (an empty swim suit) about next time, I won't give in, if she dawdles and plays around, then I will follow through and take her home. She gleefully runs off to play with them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A woman asks another woman to take professional photos of her as she writhes around on the floor. She is sheepish and semi-apologizes for taking advantage of the moment to get her work done (the work of selling her product, namely herself). The woman with the 35 millimeter camera shrugs; she's not too happy about this, but acquiesces. I happen to have my camera and also take pictures. We are snapping fast as the woman poses and smiles sexy and twists and looks cute, and changes and looks pouty, etc. She has whips or seaweed things she twists around with and I think that a bit strange, but she must have meant that to happen, as she doesn't seem the type to leave things to chance and probably planned it this way. One shot is her on her tummy with her hands behind her back with the whip-like things around her, like a bondage thing. Then her show business partner, another woman, enters and they want pictures of them both. I agree and they choose to sit on a flower print couch. "How's this?" they ask. I say, "No, it would be better on the other couch, the yellow one, the print is too busy." Now my mother is sitting on the flowered couch and asks, testily, if she should get up and out of the way. I say, "It's not you, it's the couch." So we move the flowered couch and replace it with the yellow love seat. There is a lace curtain (like in my apartment) behind it. I snap some shots and see, to my delight, that behind the lace curtain is an ocean with girl children playing in it and the photos are now superimposed shots of the two women's heads surrounded with these laughing, playful girls. I take a number of shots because it is so pretty and nice. Then I stop and say to the women, "I need to tell you what I see here, because I guess that's not what you really want for your professional photos." I describe what I had seen. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A group of women meet every Friday. It's a neat group, interesting, creative. Mabel is one of them. I bring a young woman in a manual wheelchair to be included in the group. I am impressed with her. She is intelligent, humane and creative. I had not asked them ahead of time, so she is with me at the meeting where I ask them to include her. The group seems unsure and resistant. Mabel suggests she go and join her own kind of group (disabled). I fire up in defense and point put how she is intelligent and so on and would be an asset to this group. Mabel asks me "Is she a lesbian?" I am surprised at the question and then ponder. I answer, "I don't know. I don't think so. She doesn't look or act like one." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am late for class and am rushing. Another woman is with me. We have a very fat, little obnoxious boy with us who we have to take care of. We decide to take him to the school daycare center. We know we'll meet resistance. The two women see us coming. "I suppose you will tell us this is our fault, that we forgot the phone call you made to reserve his space." I say honestly, "No, we didn't call. We need your help." They refuse us, no room. I turn to the other woman, whose responsibility this really is and say, "I'm sorry, but I must leave this to you and go on to my class." I feel bad, but I must do it. I resolutely do so, handing her this fat boy (maybe 2 years old) even though I feel guilty. I leave her and get to the class. The time has been changed and 1:50 time shows on the clock. The room is already full. I put my classwork, which I am excited about and feel is good work, down in a small spot and stand. There is no place to sit. The instructor (male) comes over to see my work. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am male and swimming in the ocean in front of a huge boat. In order to not be run over, I grab the chain and pull myself on board, only to discover it is a sort of prison ship. A man yells exercise marching orders to the prisoners. I hesitate. Which horrible place do I choose: dive in and swim and maybe drown, or give myself over to this prison setting? I stay on board. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am having a quarrel with someone. I decide to leave and walk. A fat, kind man like John Goodman says he'll drive me. I am angry and say, "No way, I'll walk." He says, "I can't let you do that." He's very big brother or protective. I walk, so he walks behind me. I turn and yell at him to leave me alone. I turn back and continue walking, but I can't help a tight smile because he's being so sweet. We walk in single file and now a large mosquito, only it's really a slim woman, tries to attack me. As long as I create a breeze with this card in my hand by waving it around, she stays just out of reach. She's persistent and I must constantly defend myself. I do so. She waits for me to tire out. Then John warns me a black fly is near. I get under the covers and cover everything around my face. Some other woman wasn't very protective and leaves me vulnerable to the fly attack (maybe my mother). John goes to get some rest. I continue to fend off the mosquito woman. I am tiring and she knows it. I am fencing with her with my blue card and once I move too slow and the card touches her for a moment and she smiles and says, "I have you now. Next time, you'll stick and then I can move in on you." I valiantly fight, but it's harder and harder. Now I have an electric fan that works and then a bigger one that doesn't work. The air stream goes too slow and in the wrong directions. I call to John to come help me. He does, then we continue on our journey. We come to a woman's house and she says we can work for her if we'd watch the Raiders (sports team). I say, "OK, sure," secretly so happy because we always love to watch the Raiders. John and another thin man step back and do a huge happy gesture, kissing the carpeted stairs. I smile at their cute antics and their happiness. We go in. The mosquito seems to be gone now. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am getting ready to go on a business trip to another community college. I remember I should go sign out so the woman in charge will know where I am. I go to the sign up sheet. I sign my name B and write the name of my town. Then I remember it is a different town. I have some difficulty writing things down correctly. Charlene (the personal attendant) says I should have written my name up in this special place, not in the list with everyone else. I shrug and leave it as it is. Then I see Bill Cosby playing good music on a saxophone. Then I and several others are going to get some food for dinner and breakfast. The young man with us, early 20's, gets a forklift-like thing and goes to a great deal of ornate movement to get the loaf of bread off the high shelf. The black janitor that I had asked to get the food watches, shaking his head. I hear music, loud and flamboyant orchestra music, very dramatic, then applause, like a recording of a concert and the audience applauding a great finale. I laugh at the pretentiousness of it all. He could have simply reached up and got the bread. I return to where Bill Cosby is and he is playing a very good sax. I admire him and am wishful I could play for him and maybe he'd see I have talent. I go on, but instead of just walking down the sidewalk, I tap dance. A woman, perhaps Charlene, watches me, admiring my steps. I get to the corner, where my boyfriend waits for me. He and the young man are playing a dice game and I tap dance around the dice. My boyfriend disapproves and asks me to not do that (dance). I am angry, but don't say anything. The young man tells me if I keep it in, I could get ill. I say. I could have just stomped on his dice, but I didn't. I think I tell the boyfriend off and to not tell me what to do. If I want to dance, I will. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There are three of us, males. We are planning to take some people, perhaps ourselves, and cook them down to a sauce and drink it. I have reservations. I ask, "Isn't this like cannibalism? Eating people isn't right." They assure me it's OK, because it's us, not anyone else. I am not totally convinced. I go along. We put a small person in a pot and cook it down. The sauce is blood red. He gets it out and offers it to me. I cringe and say, "I can't." I see two cockroaches in it, and exclaim, "How did they get in there and they are still alive?" Then the man eats the living cockroach and swallows a few bites of the stuff, which is now thin white thread-like things. I feel queasy and walk away back to our rooms. Slowly, the man starts turning into an insect man. He is coming for me and I run away, trying to get away. I go outside and mingle with bikers and sleazy people. The insect man now has extra feet and legs and is on a bicycle and the extra legs are now a circle of legs and feet and an extra wheel and pedals on the bike. I see some other half and half creatures around, a man's head on a short zebra-like body. Others have sipped the sauce. I run; they chase. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am Paul Newman's dresser. I'm in charge of choosing his matching outfits. He picks some pants and I find matching or coordinated shirts, etc. I tell him I love the movie star Paul Newman and have dreamt about him and then realize he is the same person. I feel a bit embarrassed. He chooses a gray pair of pants and I am upset because I can't find anything to match or go with it. I have failed and I shrug and say, "Oh well, you'll just have to figure it out yourself then." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A married couple. The woman is a doctor and I tell her I'm glad she's going to do the blood work on me. I can get sed rates from my regular doctor, but he doesn't do the RA (RH?) factor and he doesn't do a chemistry scan for what nutrients my body handles well and which ones it doesn't use well, so I'll know what to eat to be healthier. I am visiting their home. There are three men: one the husband, one his good friend and another friend who is visiting at the same time I am a Vietnam vet who is crazy. The woman wants to know if I've seen the meadow yet. I say, "I don't think so. I've been out to the pasture when we rode horses, and you showed me the side yard." I look out and see a garden, isn't it? I see cabbages and lettuce. Then I see something beyond it which is ugly and not kept up. "I don't know what that is," I say. She'd really like me to see the meadow, it's so pretty and quiet and restful. Now I am getting into a small car-like vehicle, like a bumper car or sports car, convertible. I am going to drive it on the sandy course built for this. People are concerned. I might crash. I take the challenge in stride. I speed up for the corner and the audience gasps. I feel very confident and free. I can do this well and enjoy doing it. I swirl around and around, spraying up sand and racing over bumps and hills that everyone thinks will tip me over. I do it all well and come to a spectacular finish and the audience applause is stupendous. They are thrilled and give me an ovation. The husband comes to me and hugs me and we embrace lovingly. He says, "I love you. You've been living in my basement and growing and growing and I'll always love you, but I love my wife and she's pregnant and growing in that way, but it's not the same. I love you." I say I love him. He says, "But you're not a romantic, right?" meaning I'll love him and accept the fact that he will remain with his wife. I agree. He's not happy with her, but he is committed to her and will stay. His good friend wants to hug me too, but is blocked by the husband and my mutual love. He stands behind the husband trying to enfold us both in the hug, because that's the only way he can get to me. Later, as he and I are talking, he says, "We did pretty well when the Vietnam vet came to visit for three days. We all managed. it was hard, but we did it well. We can do it again, now." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Jake is being very sweet and communicative. He tells me he sent my father a Valentine's card and letter because we don't appreciate him enough. He is curling my hair for me. He is painstakingly putting it up on tiny screws. Dwight is there somewhere, watching. I am trying to figure out how to talk to him about his upcoming divorce and reassure him that it's OK to talk about his feelings. He and I walk to a wall area, where we can talk alone, as he continues to put up my hair. I lean against the wall and think to myself, "Maybe this isn't such a good time to talk about this; he'll get angry and maybe pull my hair." Then he says, "You saw me at the beginning of the thing. So I was upset, but I'm fine now. Everything is just fine." I realize with a sinking heart, he's totally in denial. "Fine?" I ask incredulously. He reassures me emphatically, "Everything is fine." Then my father is in the room, walking with a small girl, maybe a cousin or grandchild. He is going toward the door to the next room and I look up and yell, "Look out," just as the door pops off its hinges and crashes down on him. It's made of glass. The top half is a pretty etched and frosted glass and the bottom half is a regular window glass. It breaks, and he stands up, trying to hop out of the door frame. He steps into the bottom half and breaks it. He says he's OK and I yell, "Check for cuts. Check for cuts." He looks himself over and there seems to be no damage. The little girl had scurried for another room and I went in there to see if she's all right. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | My brother Dwight and I are working in Dr. A's office doing odd jobs. I am attempting to do a graphics thing on a portable computer I borrowed from some woman. I can't get it to sit up right and she shows me. Dwight is in charge of taking care of Dr. A's cat. Dwight says, "Let's go to a movie." I say, "OK." Dr. A then comes in and suggests we go to a movie with him. He asks if Jake is responsible enough. I say, "Well, he is 20 years old." I then pause and remember, no, he's 40 years old. Dr. A is laying on the ground, sort of in a gutter- like thing in the room. He goes over to talk to Dwight. Dwight tells me that the cat he'd been taking care of died. I look out the window and see a tiger striped cat and say, "No, he's right out there in the garden." Dwight says, "That's a different cat." The cat turns and looks at me and I see the face is different. I give up working on the graphics thing, because I can't get the screen part to stand up at the right angle. I place a ruler under it to hold the angle, but it doesn't work. We go out with Dr. A. I whisper to Dwight, "Is it OK?" (meaning not to go to the movie he requested, but go to Dr. A's movie) He says, "It's OK." We go down the hall. I see a sign that says, "Negative Hypnotists" or something like that. I think this means this is where patients are taken when the prognosis is negative, to see how they will cope. We go in and I immediately realize this is a psychological testing area (not paper and pencil test, but experimental). The room is huge, long and narrow. A long, long table runs the length of the center of the room. I look around and see Dr. A has chosen a chair in the corner, facing the wall, with his back to us. I say, "Do you have to sit in the corner?" (a joke). He doesn't respond and I know that is because he must be a neutral observer and not influence me. I look around and see three or four tiny kindergarten chairs and the examiner seated in one of them. I choose my chair, across the table from him and Dwight sits on my right. Lots of people then enter the room, crazy or depressed or strange people. They wander around the room. I watch. Then a large, muscular, fat woman with short hair comes over really close to me and leans into me. I turn and say to her, "Get back from me." She is belligerent and leans even further into me and says, "Does this bother you?" I say, "Yes, it bothers me." I shove her away. She comes back. I say, "Barb, move back." I shove her again. She's hard to move, but I am strong and surer of myself. She repeats this a number of times and finally I manage to push her to the floor and she gets up and leaves. Now everyone leaves. I am alone in this huge room and the doors and windows are shut and bars slam down so it's very obvious I'm being locked in all alone. I feel confident. I know this is a test. I'm not concerned. I even smile a bit at the dramatic flair they do this with. I go to one window where the bars are coming down. They are wooden slats with pointed ends. These ones malfunction and kind of fall softly down and don't completely lock me in. I smirk. Then I walk the length of the room just looking around. As I approach two doors, I see they are partially open and then across the room a white wooden door is slammed shut like someone has just run through and left. I know it is unlocked and they expect me to be desperate and try the door to connect with someone, but I don't feel desperate or curious. I 'd rather explore the two open doors. I go to the first one and push it all the way open. The title of this room is "Fighting Woman" room. I go in and see feminist books and hear a recording of feminist books. It's a nice enough room. I go out. I've heard all this before and I go to the next room, the support room. It's a support group therapy room. A body is laying on the couch, covered by a blanket. He starts moving like he's waking up. I see another body on the floor, perpendicular to the couch, her head between the couch and the wall. She was sleeping and is waking up. I step over her to the door. I don't want to stay here and deal with them. It's boring. I am back out in the big room and see the door marked "employment" and feel some regret that it is locked, but I'm still in that secure, confident place, knowing this is just a test. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Merle has a crush on me and draws porno pictures of me. Lucy and I are looking at them. I am impressed with how big my eyes are, and how pretty. Later, there is a girl named Lori and she is acting out or crying and I say to her, "This has got to stop or I'll call in the children services division." I know she's been abused, perhaps sexually, and maybe Merle and another man are doing it. I am going to report them. I want this abuse to stop. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in Charla's kindergarten class. the teacher is looking around, and so am I, at the mess created by the children; things flung all over. Two bunny rabbits are hopping around underfoot. She asks the children to help clean up the mess and they aren't very interested. She starts to pick up things and gets the kids into their seats. I see some things still on the floor under the desks and get down and gather up plastic forks and straws. I arrange them on the side counter and then I am now putting silver forks in one dish, and spoons in another, and knives. Some are still wet from being washed. I put the odd-shaped serving utensils in a nice pattern and arrange a couple of pretty glass dishes in the center. Then, as the teacher is doing the lesson for the kids, I go to the back of the room and start arranging my stuff. I decide to take my things back to my room -- Evangeline hats, pretty sparkly jewelry. The teacher joins me as I am straightening things up and talks to me. I figure she gets lonely with only kids to talk to and lessons to do. She starts helping me put things on the dresser. This isn't what I wanted to do, but I let her. I have an owl and a pussy cat (two stuffed animals) and I point out that these three particular hats are Evangeline hats. Charla comes up just as I am pulling out a crumpled old Mexican straw hat out from behind the dresser. She starts pulling at it and wanting to take it and play. I say, "No, this isn't the time for that." She needs to be doing her lessons. She finally agrees and leaves me. The teacher is talking non-stop and I notice her nice teeth. She says, "We should do some of the lessons outside, it's so nice. Maybe you could a lesson on disability." I realize I have become like a mother's helper, teacher's aide for the class and wonder if that's what I want to do. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am the substitute driver for the LTD Bus System. I have a full bus, very crowded. I don't know the route, and follow from one bus stop sign to the next, hoping I'm doing it right. My brakes aren't working well and I have a very difficult time stopping the bus. I stand on the brakes. I decide to call for directions to know my route. I pick up the phone and meanwhile some women are crowded onto the first seat. There is standing room only on this bus and they are boisterous and pushing up against me. I demand they back off. They don't really listen. I notice I am trying to stop the bus and end up crunching a small tree, bending it over as I plow into it because my brakes are so slow to work. The woman on the phone doesn't give me good information about my route and doesn't help me with the noisy passengers. I am frustrated. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am working with the men in some kind of logging camp and then we are showering. I and they are very aware that I am a woman and we are trying to ignore that fact. I keep a towel covering me even in the shower. It's just that I work so well as a man with them that we try to pretend I'm not a woman. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have a crazy mother and a rich, distant father who owns a business. I have a boyfriend who is a good-looking man physically, but not so smart; not stupid, just ordinary. I am laying on top of him, kissing him and enjoying the close physical connection. I say something like, "Too bad you're not as smart as me," and then feel embarrassed at the disclosure. I smile, caught, and confess. I say, "I guess I think my being so smart is something special" (not those words, but that feeling). He laughs at my silliness. He tells me my father gave him a job. I am glad. He's to be a waiter in the club. My crazy mother comes by and starts to be crazy and then remembers his name and behaves herself. I am impressed. She must really like him to have done that. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am standing in an odd line waiting to see a movie. I am early and am forming a corner of the line so I'll get in sooner than most people, but it means I'll be standing there for an hour or two. I feel the need to pee. A man and his girlfriend stand on either side of myself. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A quick image of a butch woman, large and muscular, coming into my apartment with the intent to kill or harm me. I go to the telephone and dial 911 and turn to fight her off. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a housewife and cleaning up the apartment. It is constant work and I do it willingly. I fold clothes, do the dishes, cook meals, and care for the small kittens. I pick it up and cuddle it saying in a soft sweet voice, "Oh, there's the little kitty." Later, I have children, two half-grown boys and a six-year-old girl. I then am lighting the candles and am dressed in a 1950's housewife, pretty for my hubby, and he walks in the door with an unexpected dinner guest. I am distressed, but handle it gently and with dignity. Later, I am cleaning up, he's now drunk and off to bed calling for me to come to bed and I am still cleaning up the sink from after the dinner. Woman's work is never done. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am writing a play for television and the woman actor says, "How come the beginning characters were not so good?" I point out that writing takes time to improve and evolve. The beginning of a series is not as finely tuned as later. She does a beginning scene which has since been changed and improved. I wince at its badness. Now a young man has a crush on me and follows me around. I am embarrassed. I am teaching a writing course and it is unethical for me to return any personal feelings to him. I am putting my long hair up on rollers. He watches and pleads with me to notice him. I try to ignore him, but it is hard. Then I notice another student, a new one, and feel embarrassed I had not paid attention to him before. I am worried he will have lost interest and pull away from the class. Then I would have done a bad job as a teacher. I talk with him, trying to assure him this isn't the way I usually teach class, but I got sidetracked. I have four or five curlers in and realize I have to take them out now and wonder if it was even worth the trouble putting them in because they need time to set the curl. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am trying to take a bath up on the mantle of the fireplace, in a tiny ceramic bowl, white. My feet barely fit in. It is slippery and small and I have nothing to hold on to. It is very difficult, dangerous and frustrating. A large mirror is on the wall facing me. I try hard but can't seem to stay balanced. In addition, people keep opening the door and walking in. I am naked and don't wish to be exposed like that to passersby in the hall. I ask them to shut and lock the door. Then I realize others have keys to the door, so they won't be stopped. I call out, "Help me, help me," as I hang by a rope, having slipped off the mantle. A man comes over and I get back on the mantle. He holds out his hand to steady me and I grasp it desperately. Then I let him help me off the mantle. I say sadly, with strong feeling, "I've never given up before." I am devastated and slip into a non-feeling, non-caring sort of trance or coma. He helps me to the next room, trying to encourage me to wake up. I do not respond. He brings in the straw or hay Xmas tree with gifts and messages from my aunts on it. I do not respond. "Mom" is looking through the hay for the broken set of keys to make sure none are lost, because I loved my car and when I wake, I'll want my keys. I see one small key has slipped deeper into the hay, and automatically start to reach out to point to it so she'll retrieve it, but remember I am in a coma and don't do it. I see what's around me but don't respond. I notice my aunts gave me pretty ornaments that are shaped like different kinds of shoes. They are pretty shoes, but why do they think I want shoes? | female | 1960-1997 |