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b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and the landscape is black and toxic as though black clouds came down and covered the ground. I want to walk over to Dora's house (two or three down the way) and am warned not to walk on the black clouds because they won't hold my weight and they are poison. So I find some cement beams like a curb side and I walk on it to the house. I go in and find Dora vacuuming and cleaning house. I feel a bit uncomfortable and apologetically say, "I've done that kind of thing too, sort of." I look out the window and see a black, toxic cloud sky coming towards us. It fills the entire sky and then suddenly it passes and a brilliant green, fresh spring landscape is there. It is beautiful and I want to go out, but I don't quite trust it, having come from the black cloud formation passing over it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am having my hair done for an interview on TV. It's a strange hairdo I am given. My hair is black with gray streaks in it, like H's. It is teased up into two big crescent-shaped rolls (not food), sort of 1940's. I am uncertain about whether I like it. I go to the TV station and the man interviews me, taking a lot of the time to comment on my strange hairdo. I am embarrassed, but can't do much about it. After the interview, Hasani and I are going somewhere and I pause at the counter and ask if I'd gotten any mail. Hasani is annoyed and says, Do it later, we have to hurry." (We have a second interview to go to, this is the next morning.) But the woman finds my mail and gives it to me and I am happy to see lots of Christmas cards and letters, lots of them from Amber. She must have given me lots of little things and separately wrapped them, like photos of her kids and so on. I gather the pile up and go to a room where I try to adjust the hairdo to a mere moderate and normal-looking one. I succeed. It's a normal French twist now and a brown color. My three girls are around. Dovre and Ellie sit on my left. Paulina walks outside and I see her face framed in the window by the pretty curtain. There are carolers out there and she joins in. The song is Silent night. It is sweet. Dovre's face is pensive as she listens to Paulina. Now Paulina is inside with us as I am separating the mail into piles on the bed: books here, new books there, letters, coins (lots of them) to the right. I ask Paulina to help me. I say, "Open the letters and put the envelopes here and the letter right next to it in another pile." Then I change my mind and say, "No, it will be easier to find things if you lay the letter on top of the envelope in one pile." She does so, and as she does it, she is trying to sing along with the carolers but sings the wrong words and I correct her. When they sang "mother and child," she sang "mother and mother." When they sang "eternal voice" she sang "voice." It should have been "eternal." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house and there are lots of people there, a party. They are having a great time. I am on the phone talking to Archie I am trying to think of things to say to keep him talking to me. He is annoyed, in fact, angry at me. He says, angrily, "You are better than this, trying to manipulate it so we are alone. I don't like it when you do that. You know better than that." He hangs up on me. I feel terribly hurt and rejected, numbed by the pain of it. I turn and people are cheerfully calling out to me to join the party. I try to respond to them but it is very difficult. I go out to the back yard and something about Charla only having her diapers on. I see her and see she has an outfit of clothes on and looks fine. I comment that she is fine, perfectly and properly clothed. Her "mom" and "dad" want to stay at the party and I want to leave, to be alone. I tell them they can stay as long as they want. The "dad" says, "But she only has one diaper. We'll only be able to stay as long as it lasts." I shrug; not my problem. I try to leave. I feel weighted down with the sadness of Archie's rejection. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a cabin way up in the mountains. I love it there, alone and with all the free time in the universe to think and write. Charla comes to visit and very much wants to stay with me. I love her company but it is time for her to go back to town, with a woman who I know (but only in the dream). I love her and I want my alone time. She clings to me, hugging me ferociously, pleading. I try to soothe her, reminding her we will be together again. She cries as I walk her to the car. I am holding her in my arms and she is clasping me with both arms and legs. I put her in the back of the station wagon car with lots of other things. Now a man (like Claude) loves me. We've had time together and now he must go back to town for the week. He kisses and hugs passionately. I love it, but I also want my alone time. He says, "It's always me that wants it more. You want it, but can let go of it." I sympathize with him intensely, but still know for a certainty it is time for him to go. It is wildly snowing outside, the wind is blowing violently. I caution him to be careful and not get stuck in the snow drift. He does not want to leave. I return to the cabin. There are women in there, talking. I sit apart from them on a couch. (chaise lounge kind of thing). There is some discussion of lesbianism, but I am not attached. Later, I look out at the wilderness. I love it here and there is some concern that a bad man might be out there and I could be in danger. I am not overly concerned, I just notice the possibility. The good man (Claude) is back and we are saying goodbye again, hugging and kissing and murmuring endearments. It feels so good and I feel sorry for him and think of sneaking up on him in the laundry room and making wild passionate love before he has to go. He'd really like it that I initiated it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Lucy, Merle and I are going to do a Birds show. A woman like Julie G comes to show us the way. We look for Lucy. She has taken a moment to check on how the mechanic is fixing her car. We see her in the back seat of a station wagon car, seated sideways, with the passenger side door open. Julie says, "What is she doing?" I say, "She's listening to the engine to see if it's fixed. She'll be along in a minute." We go on to find the room. I go up in an elevator, now alone. I notice the glass wall has a bulge in it like it could break open and leave me exposed to the outside. I get closer to the door, just in case. I get out and ask directions. I am a bit lost and not receiving much help. I find the room. We do the show and everybody likes us. Now I am gathering up my papers and so on to go to another show or lecture situation. We will be late and I realize that even though I had planned ahead and thought I had it all together, my papers are in disarray and I will be late. I am upset with myself. I am in a gas station garage, or what used to be one. I start to leave and have to come back to get the papers. I realize I have trouble being in this space, because of early trauma in a place like it, maybe sexual abuse. I am in a hurry to leave there, something about a baby. A woman is around guiding me. Now I get into the car. We are driving on the freeway. It is Dover and I wonder if it wouldn't be better for the woman to drive as she is familiar with Dover, and I am a bit intimidated by busy traffic; nevertheless, I am driving and I go forward somewhat hesitantly. I notice the traffic isn't as bad as I had thought. I find the right freeway, almost getting on a parallel road and missing the right one. Now I am at the building looking for the poetry workshop room. I go back to where I did the show before and go down a long hall of rooms looking for the place. I notice I'm in the wrong hall. This hall is full of prostitutes hanging out waiting for customers. I (a man now) go to the head madam and say, "Don't you service gays too?" Now I am a woman again and find a group of people in the cafeteria. I ask them where the poetry thing is and a man points to a sign painted on the wall, "Poetry" and an up arrow. We go upstairs and find the room. As we enter, beautiful music comes to our ears and a woman says, "I remember this music. I love it." We enter and I see an easy chair and sit in it. A man wants to sit in it with me and I am hesitant. He slowly comes over and sits with me. We are uncomfortably squeezed together, but it is intimate and the man would like it to be loving. I am unsure. Now a Dr. McCoy kind of man prances around and says that housewives are lucky. They have the house. He goes over to a tableau of plaster statues to point out the house and as he gets in there, one breaks. The crowd is stunned. A priceless work of art is now shattered into pieces. I realize he is a trickster kind of character. I watch as he brings a piece of the face to a woman who had lost a loved one tragically. He says she can...something, maybe relearn or integrate. She holds the fragment of the face and traces its shapes with her fingers and says, "I'll have to have new clothes," and she stands and starts to talk about the face and herself. Meanwhile Dr. McCoy sits in the easy chair with me, like the other man had, and I am crowded and a bit tense. He smiles gently and says, "Let me in." I turn my head and smile timidly up at him and we maintain eye contact. It is beautiful and moving and loving. I am suffused with warmth and love. I touch his arm, indicating I let him in. I lean back into the circle of his love. It is overwhelmingly beautiful and warm. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A beautiful woman is married to a powerful man. But she is in love with a Cary Grant kind of guy who is her husband's business right hand man. She throws caution to the winds and is a bit indiscreet in showing her intense attraction to him. He takes her on a flying lesson and the husband (a king of business?) is very jealous. He suspects. Her trusty older woman advisor (secretary?) warns her to be careful. She is devoured by her attraction to Cary. Cary is equally devoted to her. They go off to a house. The king has spies and they are lurking around. Now there is a baby as well. The spies, soldiers, are searching for the baby. The wife realizes she's in danger and so is the baby. She must flee. The older woman takes the baby and hides it. The older woman now deflects the soldiers from the wife so the wife can escape. She takes them to the wife's room and chats as she moves clothes around. There are baby bottles and things around that she tries to hide before they see them. The wife has escaped. She is riding a horse and the crowd is surrounding her. Her hair is long, thick and blonde. She is about to be taken away. But the helper woman has another horse ready for her and she slips off the one and onto the other, the side saddle is covered with a horse blanket. She chooses to ride the "manly" way, astride. Now she rides away and hides in a village. She has changed her name to Maggie, her hair is short and red now. She now becomes intensely infatuated or attracted to a young man, a soldier of the village. It would be safer for her to remain alone, but she can't seem to keep away from this "fatal attraction," the same mistake she made before. They sit together at a campfire. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in England. I apply for a job as a counselor or facilitator at a house for the severely disabled. I note there is not elevator and a full flight of stairs to get to the bedrooms. I talk with the owner of the house, an older woman. She says there is a bedroom downstairs I could use. They are glad to have me there. A man, a professional man like a lawyer, lives next door, across the street. He comes over and is impressed with me and likes me. I want to show off my skills for him. My parents are in the background somewhere. So I have the disabled kids form a circle. I am working with a boy named DJ or something like that. He can't speak but manages to respond to me with his eyes or a subtle movement where he seems to get closest to me somehow. This is progress. I ruffle his odd, two-toned blonde hair which is partly pretty and partly coarse. I compliment his pretty hair. This makes him feel good. I am being successful. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a busy traveling professional, on the circuit. I am tired and go to bed. A nice man who is there, one of many, to help me, is in bed with me. I am a bit uncomfortable, but curl up on the pillow and try to sleep. As I lay there, he becomes interested in sex. His hand starts exploring my breasts. I keep my eyes closed and think I hope he can find where they are (meaning I am embarrassed that my old age has made the breasts sort of slide off to the side.) He is hesitant and then moves on. Now he kisses me. I am thinking, "Oh oh, now what do I do?" when I notice it is pleasant. Each step is pleasant and we end up making love. His penis is short and stubby. I stroke it with my hand and he says in a gasp, "Are you sure you should do that? I'll only last about two minutes that way." I smile because I realize I want it to last longer. He says to me, "I am surprised you allow me to make love to you, you're a professional and important and I'm just an old boy from Texas." I say, "But you are a nice old boy from Texas. You are kind to me." I smile and say, "Lots of them have asked, but you're the one who is really nice to me." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am on another planet. An alien and I are comparing notes about relationships and love making. He hands me cards like 3.5 floppy disks with symbols on it and he is interpreting them to me. He says for them, they just spontaneously fall in love. If the one they love is gone or doesn't reciprocate, they have the joy of suffering the unrequited love. It is an honor and a joy to live with this all your life. As we are talking, he is struggling to withhold from me his sudden spontaneous love for me. Then he lets it shine out and I am startled and overwhelmed. He shines in his intense love of me. He thanks me for the opportunity to suffer this great joy. Now I'm teaching him how to kiss. Other officers from his race and mine are upset and then realize this is the best way for our races to become friends and know each other. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am furious at Ellie and we are in a big warehouse-like house with cement walls and large empty rooms. I see a leak near the wall and yellow urine-like liquid is coming in and filling up all over the floor. I go from room to room and realize the decay and mess this place is in. A train goes by and the back rooms tremble as if they are about to collapse. I come back out and slap Ellie repeatedly on her face. I am filled with anger and know I shouldn't be doing this, but don't want to stop. I hit her and hit her, calling her stupid and lazy. I feel no remorse. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I return home after being gone for a few days. Dovre and Ellie are there, Ellie is a young adult, Dovre is maybe 7 or 10 years old. I ask several times, "Where is Paulina?" They don't answer and finally I get worried. I demand to know where Paulina is. Ellie flirts with a young adult native American man, pulls his waist belt and they walk off. I realize Paulina is in trouble and Ellie is refusing to answer to me. I yell at her and demand to know. She just leaves with her man. I realize she is going to marry him and I don't even care to rescue her. My concern is Paulina. I ask Dovre who finally says Paulina is in the hospital and so is Charla because Ellie abandoned them without food or water or help. I am appalled. I walk and walk down the city streets looking for the hospital. Dovre comes with me. I ache and hurt terribly and am driven to get to my girls. I get there and walk down hall after hall until I'd gone full circle and found the admitting office, which is right near the nursery. I look in to see Charla as a tiny baby, maybe two years old, screaming in fear as a nurse tries to work with her. I also see a baby girl with a huge extended vulva and scratch marks on her little thin legs near the pelvic region. I realize she's been sexually abused. I want to rescue Charla but must find out about Paulina first. I ask about her and they tell me the room she is in. They want to know where I've been and why wasn't I around when the girls needed me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a car and tiny blood sucking vampire bats are filling the car. I tell the woman driving, "Keep driving and turn on the light." I try to shoosh them out the broken windshield on the passenger side. I am sort of in the back seat. One little fuzzy bat grabs onto my hand and sucks blood. I feel nearly overcome by sleepiness. This is very dangerous, because if I fall asleep, it will suck me dry. I try desperately to stay awake and turn on the light. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Patricia comes up and says, "Quick, get dressed, the Merton Circle is meeting again." I'm trying to get into a dress which is tight and I realize it's a plastic sack. I'm not able to complete dressing. A man who loves me comes by. I hold a wee baby and exclaim how very sweet it is and want to keep it. I hold it tenderly. I now walk with the man. His love for me is intense and undeclared. I lean into him showing him the baby and he is overwhelmed by his love for me and can barely refrain from embracing me. I innocently tell him about a conversation with a woman I had where I wanted to keep the baby, but she told me I shouldn't because a man loved me, I just don't know it yet and I should be open and ready for his love. This nearly overwhelms the man in his love for me. He wants to declare it and is afraid to. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am moving to Alaska to collect my inheritance. Some old woman relative died and left her estate to me. A lieutenant, tall, good-looking and muscular, comes to take me there. He is helpful, safe and strong. We are in a taxi and I am tired, having been traveling for some time. We go to a place, a counter where I can pick up my belongings, like a post office or airline place. I see my things are out of their package, and I ask the clerk if she has a large garbage bag I can use to put the loose things in. She doesn't understand at first, then gives me a padded one. I tiredly ask what the return address is on the baggage, so if any of my stuff got lost, it would be sent there. She says some long strange name with lots of "W's" in it. I am upset. That is my ex-husband's address. How tricky of him; now he'll get my things. How unfair. I drag my stuff to the taxi and sit in the back seat with the lieutenant. I cry on his shoulder; he likes me and is sympathetic, but a bit distant. Perhaps he's afraid to be clear about his feelings, it might make me more upset. We get to the town and I say, "You won't like this, but I've forgotten to get my suitcases. They're at the bus depot. I only have the clothes on my back." We get out. The estate looks kind of small and tacky. There are a line of small, tacky cabins on the front part of the property, facing back to the one on the hill, a steep, dirty hill. I want it to be better and will it to be better. Now we go in and I see room after room, all of them in the wrong places. A bathroom first, a kitchen and the living room off in the back of the house. I want it to all look spacious and rich, and manage some ornate furniture. I go out to the back where a curtain is across the back full wall window. The corner of the curtain falls a bit and I see a beautiful view. I go out on the patio, a wooden deck and admire the mountains in the background. Unfortunately, right next to my property is a wire fence and a bunch of large construction trucks and tacky, bare dirt. Behind a wall is a small, covered swimming pool. I say to the lieutenant, "Oh, this must be the one warm day of the year. I suppose (it's September) that that cold season (I couldn't remember the name for Fall) is starting tomorrow. His back is to me as he's looking out over the vista. He says, "This is Juneau, it's warmer here." I say "Oh, I forgot, this IS Juneau." We go back inside. A cold, well-dressed woman comes in; she likes the lieutenant and doesn't like me. She hands me a book that will tell me about the woman who left me the estate. I see a 1920's cupie doll kind of face, on the book cover. There is some mystery here, some sadness, she got used somehow. Now an old butler speaks, but I don't see him. He introduces himself as the old retainer and will be happy to stay on and with his wife the cook and so on. I hesitate, it sure would help, but I ask, "How much do you charge." The woman implies I shouldn't worry about it, I've got a pretty good deal here, with the estate. Maybe it's all paid for. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am alone in a space ship millions of miles out in space. I see another space ship. It is probably an enemy. I am laying on a sort of gymnastic leather "horse," staring up at the ceiling which has lots of toy wooden whirligig things. They are colorful. I am in suspended animation and struggle to awaken when two large, ominous-looking men beam into my spaceship from the alien one. One is bearded, black-haired, tall and muscular. I don't know if they are dangerous or not but decide to get them out of there just in case and mentally will them beamed back. I manage to do it. Now I must maneuver the spaceship cleverly to evade them. I fly under them so that can't get their bearings on me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Maren and Ellie and the younger set are there. They believe in fundamental religion and the Bible and I am going to debate them about reincarnation. I am walking around a large house with lots of interesting floors and no walls that I am aware of. There is a dirty water channel around the house like a moat. Dangerous fish monsters are in there and if you swim in it to get to the other side, you are eaten alive. As I am walking from room to room, I pass two young, leather-jacketed men, teens really, and I am exclaiming how wondrously beautiful the world is, shimmering, sparkly beauty. They approve of me. Not many people notice. I walk up a path and see a large green lake on the left. A man is laying down on the edge of it looking at it and saying, "How pretty." I say, "But cold. It is fed by glaciers." He doesn't believe me. I say, "Stick your hand in, you'll see." He does and it is very cold, like ice. Someone remarks, "This lake has been many places," and I ask, "How can you move a lake around?" I go back into the house area. Maren has returned and is interested in debating me about reincarnation. Then I realize she means to quote to me from the Bible to argue against me. A man comes to me and says, "I want you to see the new water." I am impatient but follow him. He takes me to the dangerous channel. He wants us to cross it and see the new water over there on the other side as well. I look at the channel and see it is blue and solid, with a thin water layer over the blue solid "floor" laid over the channel. He says to the keeper of the gate, "We want to cross." The gate keeper is nervous. The man says, "I'll hold back the bear." I watch as the gatekeeper is trying to open the valve to let the crossing be safe as a huge bear is trying to eat him. The man is wrestling with the bear, holding him at his huge, gaping mouth. The bear has stretched his neck out long like a dinosaur's neck. It is overwhelming, but the man barely manages. Now a couple walks across the channel and I, in a prom dress, nervously step across. I am worried it will give in and I'll fall in with the monsters. We get across. The couple goes to the meadow and walks away; the meadow has that same thin film of water over it. The man says, "We'll go up higher. Push that button." "What button?" I ask. "That one," he says. I see two. "Which one?" I ask. He laughs and says, "This one, right in front of me." I look over and see a button he is looking at. I step over and push the button and a small square platform I am standing on begins to go up and the man steps off. "Aren't you coming?" I ask. "No," he says, "the platform isn't stable enough for two. Sit down, he says. "What?" I say. He says "Sit down, it's safer." Now it's going very high up and I sit, facing the mountain cliff we are rising up, very aware there are no walls and I am afraid of heights. I concentrate on looking at the solid cliff and not to look down. I get to the top, but the fun has gone out of this as I am alone and the man isn't there. I look around and then return back down. Now I see the water has returned to its original brown, murky dangerous way and realize I can't get back home. The man is over there. I ask, "What happened?" He says, "We couldn't hold it. It disintegrated." I am very distraught. Now a woman, sort of me, but I am watching, dives in and desperately swims to the other side hoping she makes it before the monster fish get her. She almost makes it, but a huge brown fish comes out from under the bank and pulls her back under by the feet. She is dead and gone and eaten. I stand on the bank, knowing I can't go home and wanting to. Somehow I do manage to cross and return. Now as I am walking on the floors, I step hesitantly, half expecting the floors to have soft watery spots I can sink into and be eaten alive by the fish monsters. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a V. family reunion. It seems odd, because I thought we just had one and now it's next year already. My Aunt Esther is there, as young and pretty as in her prime, maybe early 20's. Her hair style is very 1940's and luxuriant. I remark how pretty she is. I want to tape things good this year and go get my video camera. I find the camera and the cord, but no batteries and no tapes. I desperately search and find other kinds of tapes, but not for the camera. The aunties are seated around an old oak dining table and are starting. The room is empty except for them and the table. The kids are playing in another room. I try to remember what they say and how they talk. Now I am very sleepy and lay down on the foot of a bed, apparently in another room. Katrina is laying on the bed and I move my head so I don't lay on her feet, but she gently replaces my head on her feet so I'll be more comfortable. I am so sleepy that I continue to not respond and she takes a pillow and places behind my knees and gently moves my legs so they will be straight, as it is bad for me to sleep all curled up. My joints will stiffen that way. I start to slip and I slide right off the bed and onto the floor. Then I get up. I'm hungry and go to find the cookies in the kitchen. I see lots of different kinds of cookies but not the kind I like (chocolate chip). I also see a chest of drawers and I rummage around and see jewelry and books and things. I try to organize them. Now I go outside. I've apparently been exercising and gaining strength and now I go down a ladder, wearing sneakers and a jogging suit and attempt to walk on the beach. I am elated. It's a dream come true. I see the waves at the surf's edge, the foamy white little waves and happily walk in them, feeling strong and vigorous. I look out to the sea and notice a breakwall with the ocean beyond it and then a wave about hip deep sweeps over me and I enjoy that, but am now a little concerned. I look again and realize a tidal wave is coming and I turn and run for higher ground. It roars over me and I am dragged and then deposited on a wooden fence-like thing. I hang on and look again to see even a bigger wave crashing over me. I hold my breath and go under. It recedes and then I see bird like dinosaurs, huge and non-thinking, eating the running and screaming people. I hide down behind a wooden fence, in the grasses, between rocks. My little girl is with me and I hug her to me. The dinosaurs pass over me and sniff, they kind of know I'm there and can't find me, but are getting very close. Another wave comes over. I hang on, hoping desperately we'll be safe. They eat more people. Now I peek out at the ocean and see it is running sideways. The current is like a river and huge plumes of exploding water funnels come up and dissipate. Something is very wrong. A dinosaur reaches his head over where I hide and is sniffing very close. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am traveling somewhere and see a beautiful vista and want to stay and take pictures. My lens isn't clean, so I try to clean it but it only smudges more. I struggle and struggle. I decide I need to find a photo shop to get it repaired and I decide to spend the night in this little resort town, in the mountains. Now the scene shifts and I am being initiated into the army kind of a thing. I am going to be whipped by the men as I pass. I carry my own whip and I fling that whip around so quickly and strongly that they can't hardly get near me. After this, I am given a sign that says, "I have balls" and another sign that says, "I am a bird that birds love." Now I go on up the mountain. A narrator sort of describes how some people meet with bad times and some with good times. I see a tidal wave coming and a woman is killed by it. I see a man, a family member of mine standing at a spot where the tidal wave uncovers a wall of gold bricks (like pyrite crystals sort of). I am rich. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am wheeling down the sidewalk, going to the You Can Gym to workout. I see a young woman with dark hair in a wheelchair. She greets me and says, "You come by here often now." I say, "Yes. I workout a lot at the You Can Gym." Eric comes up smiling happily to see me. His hair is full and curly. He wears a spiffy suit. He says, "Have you seen my wares?" He refers to a box of ceramic things he is selling. A man is there and Nate is trying to do the salesman thing, very positive and creatively trying to get the man's interest. It isn't working, the things aren't all that terrific and the man doesn't want them. Nate seems to be trying to impress me. There is a black kitten, like my furry pouch in there somewhere. Now I see Dora. I have two paper plates with a squishy, messy paper napkin in between the inverted plates. I use it like a shutter bulb on a camera. The thing is my camera. I want to take a picture of Dora. She hides down behind a plate glass window barrier and is squatting. She is going to take a good healthy dump and says, "Hey, don't take a picture of this." She says it's going to hurt and she will have to push hard, but it will be worth it and she'll feel good after it is done. The pain is like the bearing down pains of childbirth labor. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am with Mirabelle. She is in the garage looking around and complaining that Ellie has left the clothes in the washer and a mess all over. She says, "Can't she see what needs to be done?" I am annoyed at her and say, "No, that's the point, she can't see what needs to be done, so she is unaware of what she must do." I walk back into the house and now am experiencing some terrible gut pain. A personal assistant dark-haired woman is smiling at me and solicitous. She insists I get up and sit on the piano. I don't want to, but I do. I am crouched over my belly, kneading the painful spot and the woman is smiling and suggesting I relax and so on. I am angry at her and deep in the pain and I let the pain be there on my face; I don't hide the pain. I groan and say, "Yes, I'm in pain, terrible pain." I start to crawl off the piano and ask Mirabelle to give me an arm for balance. I step off onto the foot pedals of my old wheelchair and ease down off the piano. Mirabelle is being very helpful and lecturing me that I should tell that woman what I think and feel about her treatment of me. I'll feel better when I do. I am now angry at Mirabelle because it is her, not the other woman, that I want to say "back off." So I say angrily, "I am telling my feelings. I want you to leave me alone." She gets sarcastic and smiley like I'm mistaken. I say, "Let me get around you" (a narrow hall). I push my way around her. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am on a Dream Bus. A group of us are doing a dream workshop on the bus. It's a bit hectic and crowded. On my right sits a man I like and he likes me. He is sweet-faced and kissy. He's new to all this and asking some questions about the workshop. He asks, "Where's the Merton Circle?" I point over across the way to a group of people with their backs to the front of the bus and pointed away from us. I say, "There they are." I am a bit surprised they do not include me. I notice they are watching a TV, monitor of the presentation we are seeing from the front main screen. Now this man and I move up front to a two-seater bench and are cuddling. The boss of the trip, a loud belligerent man, comes up and starts giving orders and so on. I feel defiant and I ask him deliberate questions and make direct statements that he doesn't want to hear. Other people are nervous and waiting for me to get nailed for being so uppity. I feel this freeing sensation of power. I'm telling the truth as I see it and to hell with the consequences. Now the crowd in the bus is chaotic and noisy and he's trying to control it and I make suggestions and try to control it. It doesn't work, of course. I'm trying to prioritize the three tasks that are needed to be accomplished. One task is to check and see who really belongs on the bus and throw the imposters out. The second is to get them to cooperate and not be such a milling, noisy crowd and then the third is some woman's wish to sweep the bus up with her broom and tidy things up. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am walking up some steep stairs to an attic storage room to see what the guys have stored up there. There are rows and rows of soda jerk equipment, and way in the back a bedroom for a man. It is rickety and the railing is loose, and Pete P wants to protect me. He has a bed sheet and is trying to lay it against the railing side, so I have something to hang on to so I won't fall. By the time I make it back down, he has it arranged. I'd gotten down by myself with him trying to help, but not really being helpful. He comes to me and hugs me gently and lovingly. He loves me. Then I start to realize he is transforming. He is black with red eyes, an entity and I am afraid. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a ward with physically and developmentally disabled people. They are wandering around crazy like. It is scary. I don't fit, so I go to the next room where the intelligent crazies are. They are men. I hang out with them. I am crazy too, I guess, or I wouldn't be there. I get a phone call from Derek. The line is static and hard to hear, and then the crazies are being noisy and I keep trying to understand what Derek is saying. He's trying to explain about his Chevy. Then he is angry at me and gets sarcastic, "Being in the head B. Just can't get in the heart, huh?" I say, "Stop it. Stop it." "Just tell me, B, I need you to be in the heart and I'll happily go there. I feel attacked and put down when you ride me about it." He is so distant with the static. I feel frantic trying to connect with him. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek is gone. He's taken off. I'm in a room with a lot of cops. They are a group of bad cops and my group is putting the sting on them, to bust them. I'm yelling, "Get in that auditorium room, NOW!" We've cut off their communications with their organization. They're laughing at us because they're the ones with the power, but somehow we surround them and they go in and I slam the door shut. I walk to each one. One dark-haired man is lying on the floor. I pick up his head by the hair and yank him around, saying as I do it, "This is what you did to the patients." Another man I kick in the groin and belly saying, "And this is what you did to them." We have them arrested and taken away. Now I want to find Derek. I go to the screen door and open it to go outside and two men are standing there. I walk past them, and look and look. I come back in, not having found him. Lisa and another young woman are there. We're talking about my silly boots. I say, "Well, that's the way I wear them, Oh look, it's inside out." Then Derek is back, looking for me, only we miss each other and now he's in his car and driving and I'm in my car and driving. We're on the same road, maybe a car between us, and are unaware we are so close to each other. After driving for awhile, Derek sees that it is me in the car ahead and he speeds up to come up on my right side. He waves at me and I smile and see him and we drive side by side for awhile and find a place to park and we get out, Derek in his chair and me with a walker and we embrace. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am sleeping in a hall on the floor, in a suit of some kind. I wake up to find Ernie standing over me, watching me. I am surprised. I fall asleep again and three times wake up to find him watching me. He's in a blue business suit. He has made a decision. He is going to have me for his second wife. He goes to his wife, and she says, "You've decided to move." He smiles and says, "Yes to Posner" (meaning a town where I live). This sort of is her way of saying she'll go along with his scene of having two wives. Now I am his wife and am about to meet the other woman who will be his other wife. She is a sophisticated woman. I feel shy and unsure about how all this will go. She smiles at me and looks over to where Ernie is standing off in the distance and says confidentially, "He sure dresses badly, doesn't he!" I giggle and say, "Oh yes," and she smiles and says "Well, we'll see about that." I say, "Oh, that's just the way he is. Won't do any good to try and change that." She feels confident that she has some tricks of the trade that will fix it. I feel unsure about all this and a bit like a failure because I didn't have any tricks of the trade like that. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | The actor John Ritter is now sort of the Alan Alda/Ernie guy. He's in love with his woman and there is a short, pudgy, sensitive woman friend. The woman he is in love with and he are very attracted to each other but there some things in the way, maybe other relationships or something, so they are drawn to each other but aren't quite connecting. He touches her face lovingly. They talk. Somehow they are teaching each other by example how to be like the other. The woman teaches John to be more loving and John teaches her how to be more direct and sure and centered. I am with John at a football game. I watch as a play is made on the field. John is calling the shots. He says, "OK, OK, throw a 32." I watch as they throw the ball and John yells, "Low, really low!" Then the ball is thrown up and into a square marked 32. The crowd roars. I say, "Is that a good thing?" He says, "Yeah, it was strategy." Then one of the football players grabs another one and physically picks him up by his feet and his hair and carries him to the referee who sits on a high seat by the goal posts. The guy had cheated or done something unsportsmanlike and he's being taken to the ref for a fine or a reprimand or something. I laugh and say, "Football! Can't they just play the game? What's all this macho stuff?" The crowd shifts uncomfortably, a bit ready to heckle me for having a negative attitude about football. I feel that keenly and snort a bit more sarcastically. They respond one notch more, grumbling and hostile. I say to John, "They do that one more time, I'll do it. I'll just say it." We are on the edge of them booing me and calling me names for being a stupid lady and I'm on the edge of calling them stupid and so on. John grabs my arm and says, "Let's go." We start to leave. Now I am the pudgy woman friend. John's woman tells him his wife/girlfriend is in the hospital. The babies are seriously in trouble. John says, "That's terrible, but what can I do?" She soothes him and assures him it would make no sense to go to the hospital and be there. The pudgy woman is in the elevator and John and the woman are waiting for the elevator. She says to him, "You know, you are too rough on her. You criticize everything she does. Her ass is too big, she doesn't talk right, she should do this and that. It's a wonder she isn't having suicidal thoughts. She just loves you, you know." "I know, "says John, "I wish I could be more like her. She's so caring and sensitive." Now the pudgy woman gets out of the elevator. John somehow shows her the newspaper headlines about the babies being seriously in trouble and she sees this and starts crying and sobbing and running. She must get to the hospital and do whatever is possible to do. She's running down the hall to another elevator, sobbing her heart out. John is filled with guilt and remorse. Why can't he be like that? She is so giving of her love and he is so selfish and self-centered. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Mirabelle is walking and we are going to the park and talking about her having a baby. I see I am on a motorcycle racetrack thing, a dirt bike kind of track. I get back on the road. I go to my doctor's office to get my file. I have some questions. I take my file with me. It is full and I realize I never even asked permission to take the file. Now I am looking through the file and decide to call the nurse and tell them I have it. I see the Dream Group is forming in the other room and they are starting the dream work. I want to be in there and realize I don't have to make this call. I hang up. I look outside and see rain clouds, dark, thick, heavy ones all around. It is an ominous, powerful sky. I enter the dream room and suddenly I am consumed by a fierce, powerful force. It wells up from within me. I am expanding, ferocious and somewhat alien. Claude sees this and stands back in awe. I am all powerful and I grab his shirt front and pull him up to me (he was sitting on the floor) and say, "I'll make love to you later." I plop him back down and survey the room. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm in a room talking with three volunteers for MIUSA. One woman is from England, another woman from India and a man from perhaps Australia. The woman from England introduces herself and says, "We should get acquainted. Let's take a coffee break." I am distracted because far off in another room a man is sleeping. He had proposed something to me, perhaps relationship. He had offered me a ring and I had refused it but I am fascinated and want to go get the ring. So I keep putting the woman from England off with excuses about being busy, or it's too early to take a coffee break and so on. She persists. Finally, I say, "No. You go on ahead without me." They do. Now the man is saying he has a pager, do I have a pager? I say no. He says, "I'm trying to collect as many things as I can for when I go back home." He leaves. Now I drive my chair quietly to the far off room where the man is sleeping. I sneak up on him hoping I don't wake him. I open a small box and find the ring in a black pouch. I also find another ring of mine and an amethyst crystal. I gather up these things and sneak back out. I go back to the room I had been in before and open the pouch to examine the ring. I am drawn to the ring and to the man but I am hesitant. There's maybe some Howard energy around the man. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at a man's house. It's Derek and yet not quite Derek. It is a potluck. Carlene and Pat are there, Brian and Megan, and perhaps some others. Brian says it's time to go and offers to give Carlene and Pat a ride, as I had brought them. They all leave and Derek and I are alone. It feels very exciting and promising. Derek is showing me around his house. He has a photo album open on the floor and I easily lay down on the floor to see what's in it. Derek is standing and walking into the kitchen and back to where I am. I am aware that both my being on the floor and his walking are not really possible. I look at the photos and say with some respect and awe, "Hey, these are like Steven Spielberg's special effects." "Yes," he says. "Did you use special equipment or machines?" "No," he said, "I did it with perspective." And he points out how something in the foreground and something in the background are sized to make a unique perspective. I am very impressed and then realize these are far better than any of my photos. I say, "Maybe I shouldn't show you any of my photos." He agrees. I feel a bit hurt. I need to go to the bathroom and he says, upstairs. I walk up a long flight of stairs, realizing this should be difficult to impossible, but I'm doing fine. I find the bathroom. As I come back out the bathroom into a hall, I see an older woman and several younger women talking, perhaps about me, in whispers. I now am passing the open bedroom door of Derek's bedroom, on the left at the top of the stairs. I can't resist looking in and am specifically looking to see what kind of bed he has. It is an ordinary double bed and I am glad. It looks inviting. I go fast down the stairs, which are lined with books along the wall. I go so fast I almost skip stairs and trip myself up. Derek walks toward me, his sexy eyes clearly indicating he is sexually interested. I feel warm and responsive. But somehow, we are taking things to the kitchen and we go down another flight of stairs to a big open space. I look again for a bathroom and find a huge public bathroom and can't find the toilets. I ask a clerk at a window and he points to a room. I go in and it's a communal bathroom. I pee, somewhat self-consciously as the door is open and people are wandering through. I come back out and now am back in the living room and lying on the floor again. Derek walks over and lies down beside me and pulls out a condom and just shows it to me. I look at it and then at him and he smiles like a clown and makes shapes out of the condom, a mushroom shape and other things like a balloon clown would. I feel shy and sexually excited and he looks over at the stairs invitingly. I go to the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, I sit down and he comes over and kisses me, lying down on top of me saying, "If you don't want to do this, now is the time to tell me." I want to do this and kiss him passionately, sexually aroused. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | An alien female is transforming me. I am lying down in the front seat of a car. I am very afraid. She starts at the top of my head and as she slowly moves down to my feet, my bones and body change somewhat painfully, being pulled into another shape. I am now Eva Saint Marie, blonde, beautiful and elegant. My task now is to go to an audition. It is a small coast town and the local community theatre is putting on a play. The director has some important contacts in Hollywood and somehow I, the dream ego, knows Eva will be the right one. Eva goes in and he sees her and instantly knows she is the one. She is elegant, a certain aura or presence that indicates how very special and talented she is. He comes to her right. He is huge, twice as big as her, and puts his hand on her knee. He says, "Act sexy." She takes his hand off her knee, looks him in the eye, and then tosses her hair around and looks sexy. He says, "You've got the part." She's on her way to stardom. Now she/I goes to her home. She doesn't recognize it as the alien arranged this all, but she knows it's her new home. It is a small cabin behind a big house, very simple and economically furnished, a small refridge, a bed. A man and a small girl live there. They are her family, I guess. They simply are there, living, waiting as she goes out into the world. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am very attracted to Dr. Fleischman. He is attracted to me. There people around us so we shyly hang out together. He begins to kiss me and we start necking. Only our faces are turned toward each other. The bodies are not turned to lie up against each other. I miss that connection and so does he. He says, "Let's lie down," and we lie down together on a table. We kiss and feel sexual desire, and start to make love. Some angry girl is watching. I'm going to get in trouble. I leave and the next day I am telling a group of people that I spent the day doing something else, in an attempt to protect Dr. Fleischman. Only he doesn't understand I'm trying to protect him and he gets hurt and angry at me for pulling away from him. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There are twin babies and they both shit their diapers. I lay them both down on the floor and start to clean up the one on the right. The one on the left is annoyed and says something about not liking to be last. I try to tell it that I'll get to it as fast as I can. I get the diaper off and the butt is really disgusting with runny shit. I wipe and wipe but there's more and more, and in frustration I pick the baby up and take it to the sink and wash it under the faucet. It is nicely clean now. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have a huge house and my parents are there somewhere. I have invited several women to stay a while and they and their sisters from a sorority are moving their stuff in. I had seen them on the sidewalk looking for a place to stay. I say to my mother, "Not all these women are staying." Meanwhile two men are moving in. They want to know where to put their cereal. I show them the shelves, "The bread here, the desserts there." My father is concerned there will be so many people there will be no room for us comfortably. I point out this is a big house. The women will live on the top floor. There is, I realize, another huge recreation room complete with kitchen down the hall, so our nuclear family setup won't be over run. I see an alcove and am looking for a place to set up mailbox, pigeon holes in a desk and a hutch. I open a drawer and see kids' toys. At first I try and hide them from Charla so she won't come mess them up and lose them. Then I tell everyone, "This is the playroom and everyone needs to be responsible and put away each game after they are done and be sure not to lose pieces." Then I feel OK about leaving them there, as several adults are there to supervise and I don't have to be responsible. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Paulina is around and I am thinking of getting a different bed; the one I have is a mattress on the floor and a headboard. I am gathering up my many bottles of medicine for my cold, sore throat stuff, and getting ready to start the medicine regime because of a sore throat. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in bed with Aunt Rosalie and her face looks like mine. Uncle Gus comes over and sits on the bed and I watch Aunt Rosalie's face as she is obviously in love with him and she looks at him so lovingly and wistfully. I confront Uncle Gus, who looks young, and good-looking. I say, "Did you molest me?" He looks surprised I would ask that and avoids answering. I say, "Then did you do it to other cousins?" He hems and haws. I then say, "Well, you did it with Darcy." He accidentally agrees. I've caught him. Then does that mean he did it with me too? He worms around and puts his arms around Aunt Rosalie who seems to only be focused on wanting him. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek and I are like counselors for two groups. He's with one group and I'm with another. I want to spend time alone with him, but that's impossible. I try to get our groups together so they can help each other out. I see an old man/tiger wandering around a bit lost. I call Derek over to see him and enjoy the pleasure of watching a human struggling with their process. He comes over and we both look down a flight of stairs. The tiger lies on his back and I see he's becoming sexually excited by a young woman. Several strings come out of his penile sheath. I encourage him to go look for a woman to have sex with. He then decides to look around and find one. Now I see Derek and move him to a room where we can be alone. He and I are both standing and I lean on him and hug him, wanting to make love. He stands tall and distant and it is clear he is not interested in me sexually. I am very hurt and run from the room crying. I want to run far away where he'll never see me again and I will cry and cry. But I choose to go to the house next door where his group originated. Both these houses are rotten and old and in bad disrepair. I go in, careful to step so I don't fall through the floor. I know he'll find me soon. I cry. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I go to a street corner to meet Derek and friends. We're going to a potluck or the park or something. He wheels up, and I hear a narrative voice saying he paid $160 to help his friends get food ready and maybe they won't show up. I feel bad for him, going to all that trouble for possibly nothing. It doesn't seem to bother him. He wheels up and we greet each other happily. I am holding a sweet baby and cuddling her. Now we're going to go on and go to the park and continue, friends or no friends. I am walking and become aware that this is a dream, because I don't ordinarily walk. Realizing this, I decide then that he can walk too and he is now walking. I see his tennis shoes all stiff like, but then he is walking. We are entwined, my arm around him and his arm around me. It is close and intimate and warm. Then, he's back in his wheelchair and invites me into his lap. I and the baby curl into his lap and we laugh and hug. Now we're at the table and I feed him "his food" and he feeds me "my food," one forkful. He only eats half of it and I pause, thinking about possible germs, and then shrug and finish off the bite. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Billy Jeou. My father, Tex-- | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A man naked from the waist down, with his back to me. A young child fondling his testicles because he told her to. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | My mother decides to ride in my wheelchair to see what it's like, with me. She sits on my right side and I must carefully turn off the joystick so she doesn't accidentally push it and we careen off out of control. I want her to sit on my left side and we're on the wheelchair lift and it is going up and down out of control and I'm calling out to two children playing and to my father and another man, perhaps my grandfather, "Help. This is an emergency." I am getting more angry. They do not pay any attention. Then I realize I'm sitting on the lift control panel and am making the lift go up and down myself. I stop it and we go down and I drive off the lift. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Lucy, Mirabelle and myself are going to do a program for teachers in a school. We come early and wait all morning until lunch when it's time for our program. This is annoying. A small orange and white striped kitten is with me, perched on my head. Mirabelle has a black and white one. I like the kitten. It is playful. A small mouse and the kitten are being used to demonstrate a point to me. The kitten eats the mouse and then lets it back out unharmed. I feel a bit uncomfortable and nervous for the mouse, but the mouse is OK. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a room with a large wall window. A woman is on the other side. She has pages and pages of lists of songs, by the decade, and is going through the list with me. We're looking for songs we like. Bill Cosby comes in from a door at the left and is deftly "playing" the wall, like it is a piano keyboard. Then he plays the keyboard to the right of the wall, under the window. It is a complex piano piece like the flight of the bumblebee. I am impressed and ask him how he does that, on the wall. He shows me some intricate hand moves that simulate a piano sound. I call to the girls upstairs to come see Bill Cosby. They come down, but he is gone and they are disappointed. Now a group is going to the concert and a guide or two is there to show us how to walk across the ledge of stones, a thin row of stones across a vast precipice. It's a scary walk, but we are doing it. Suddenly a young person falls off, but surprise, the guides are quickly down at the bottom to catch them, so no one is hurt. No one can get hurt even though it seems a dangerous walk. Now I go up a hall, up a few stairs to a small room, in the Hult, Studio One, it is called. Small baby children are playing an elaborate pipe organ-like instrument with their adult helpers. It's pretty, maybe Mozart, but not the concert I came to see. I move on in search of another room. I find one where adults are doing the same kind of music. Now I need to go to the bathroom and find a stall. It is a mess in there. There's a toilet, a pediatrics commode, all shitty, and a pool of urine on the floor. I don't want to touch anything. A woman pops her head in and apologizes for the smelly commode. I try to pee in the pool on the floor without dragging my clothes in it. It is difficult. I decide to leave. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A little girl is getting ready to go to school. Her mom and others are fussing about making everything just right. She has an elaborate hat and dress on. A little boy, her brother, is feeling neglected. He plays a card game and runs away to get attention. No one at school likes the little girl and a woman, like Aunt Naomi, says, "Maybe you are just trying (working) too hard." She takes the hat off and turns the dress inside out so it isn't so fancy. I, the dream ego, think, "Boy, what an amazing coincidence. The dress is reversible like that and no ugly seams show" Now the boy has run away and someone on a huge motorcycle is taking him for a ride. The motorcycle has a canopy on it. Later, I (adult) get on a motorcycle to go find him. My mother is riding on the back and I keep trying politely to get her off. I'd say, "Here's a nice place you could stay," and she'd say, "Why would I want to stay at a place that looks like an aircraft carrier?" (a huge apartment complex). I take the wrong turn. I go the left fork. My mother says, "The gravel looks different here." I say, "You're right." I made the wrong turn and I go back to the fork to go down the right fork. I had intuitively felt it was the right way, even before my mother spoke. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek kisses me. I am disappointed because his mouth is hugely wide and it doesn't feel good. He French kisses and it is intense, our tongues intricately intertwining. I feel him have an orgasm and I am untouched with sexual passion. It feels very cold and self-serving. Now I am being chased by him and other people. I run for my life. They are gaining on me and then I am backed up to a huge barbed wire fence. I turn and fight hard, without guilt. It is simply necessary to defend myself. I box kick and do karate moves. I force the fence into a man's throat, so the barbed wire is poking his throat. I demand they open the gate. It slides open enough and I dart across "no man's land," a railroad yard, tracks and mud. A "living" box car is trying to run me over as I try to race across the land and over the tracks. It moves like a cartoon creature out to get me. I cross the other fence on the other side and run like hell. The landscape is dismal and frightening. I turn left and am in a hall-like place like the storage unit place. I duck into a storage unit where green plastic upholstered dining chairs from a 1950's style are stored. I sit in one and slide the door partially shut and tremble in terror. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek is the king and now I am the queen, only now Derek disappears and I am prisoner in the palace, all these men wanting to control me because of my power. My little girl and I have a secret bathroom we can go to in a house trailer. We have potty bowls. She has to poop, I have to pee. My dress is ornate and formal with the official queen logo on the front. As she and I wander around, I cover the logo and my face so no one will know I am the queen. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Bonnie and I are in a pickup truck traveling back home and she stops and grabs a small calf and kills it, throwing it in the back of the truck. She does this a second time, explaining that the baby calf was pregnant anyway and would have died. I am very upset and say to her, 'This is cattle rustling. At least drive away from the door of where you stole it." She drives a ways and parks right in front of an old broken down, rotting house. I hear a mean couple arguing. I want to escape there, but sit in the passenger seat, not doing anything. I see Bonnie use a knife to cut open the pregnant calf. She says, "See, I told you it was pregnant." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am somewhere, supposedly at my place of work, only it isn't. I want to pee and try to in a bowl; it stinks and is exposed. A woman, perhaps Maren, follows me around. I am annoyed. I try to clean things up a bit, wash a dish, move a bottle to the sink. Then I go out into a large warehouse-like area and toward an open door. The woman moves ahead of me. I see the tip of a huge, black, shiny, pretty and dangerous tank. The woman steps out and is killed. I turn and walk back through the long huge warehouse building going toward the back exit. I am aware that maybe I should check and see if the woman really is dead, but that would be dangerous to me. Maybe I should warn other people, but I don't. I decide with a bit of guilt that I will call people and warn them after I get to my office, my place of work. I see cupboards and cabinets and think about hiding in one of them. I realize that is what I usually do in a dream, and decide not to do that this time. I find the back room, where two men are working, stacking wood furniture this company makes. I pass them without a word and go out the back door and around the corner. I look to the right and see the back end of the black tank which now looks like a large fuzzy black elephant, the same kind of fuzzy as my purse. I then run to the left and go up some steps to another building where my office is, only it's not my office and nobody is there and hasn't been there for a long time. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am at the coast at a seminar thing. A lecturer, a famous man, is preparing to lecture. I've been to several of his workshops and am returning for this last one. I see I'm early, maybe a half hour early, and not many people have arrived yet. It is outdoors and I decide to secure myself a place near the front on the grass. I lay something down on the ground because the patch I choose is a bit muddy. The lecturer tells me to move back a bit, as he'll need more room to conduct the lecture (like a symphony conductor). I move back; I am annoyed. He didn't have to tell me in that cold way; I'm quite willing to be helpful. Now it's over and I and the other women are returning to our home, only when we left home to come to the workshops we were girls and had left our toys out. When we returned, we were women. I start to put away the toys, only I still want to play with them and decide it is OK to keep them around for when I feel playful. Then Ginny calls and says she's booked us for a weekend at the coast to attend this really neat workshop entitled "The forest and the river." "Maybe," she says, "you're all tired out from the last workshop and don't want to go." I say, "No, it's OK." Then we can stay Saturday night and just have fun at the coast the next day. Ginny kind of hesitates, then agrees and I realize maybe she hadn't planned to pay for both nights. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house. Derek is there; it is late at night and I am tired. I go lay down in bed and close my eyes. Suddenly, Derek has transferred into the bed and puts his arm around me and I put my head on his shoulder. It feels very cuddly and restful. He rolls over so he's over me, but not on top of me, and we talk for a while. I fall asleep and then wake up. He is out of bed and in my parents' bedroom looking for something in the closet, something he may have left there, or maybe he's taking money of my parents'. I don't know. Then he is gone. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Charla and Deirdre are both the same age, rambunctious children. They are being noisy and not minding and so I say to them they have to lay down in bed and be quiet for 10 minutes; then they can go play. They simply will not stop. They'd get out of bed or talk and giggle. I am furious. It's a power struggle. I go over and spank them each four times on the butt. This doesn't stop it. I start slapping them on the face, hitting them over and over and insisting they mind. They simply do not understand why I am being this way. I am stone cold angry. I have a point to prove. This is discipline. Mirabelle comes over and talks; she wants me to be lenient. I am angry at her for interfering. An old lady comes by and wants to talk. I am firm and almost rude to her demanding she leave as I have no time for her now. I relentlessly keep slapping the children and they irrepressibly keep disobeying. It's a horrible feeling of being caught in this ugly angry space for principle's sake. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm going camping and packing things up for the trip. The girls have tossed in a bunch of their underwear without trying to neatly pack it. I stuff things in a duffle bag. Bonnie suggests we take something pretty to wear for Saturday night. I say I have some thing, but I don't really want to party then, I'll be too tired. Dovre, younger, maybe pre-teen, decides to go explore a ship on the river. I watch her go in and then get concerned. Is she safe? I go to the ship and pound on the door. There's a surly captain and rough-looking crew men. I ask if anyone saw Dovre come in. They shake their heads no. I demand to see the Captain. He comes to me, looking mean and noncommittal. I ask him if he has seen my daughter. He says no. I say, "She came in here." He says, "I'll ask the men if they've seen her." I suspect they are hiding her and intend to rape her later. I say to him firmly, "If you are a man, you'll ask your men that question with authority behind it. If you care about her safety, then they will." He smiles coldly. I don't trust him. I say, "If you don't genuinely try to find her, then I'll get the police." He says, "Id rather you got the police. The men wouldn't like it if I acted that way" (concerned for the girl). I say, "Fine, I'll get the police." He says, "I'll go with you." We walk toward the police station. We sit for a moment and I say something like, "You're just half a man." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a store and want to buy some soft angora pink yarn. I am knitting the knit-purl ribbing of a sweater. I watch me knit, careful to not drop a stitch. I almost do, several times. I am knitting quickly. I take a tray with costume jewelry and the boxes of yarn over to the counter. I move the loose pearls and gems over to the left and count the boxes of yarn. Some are pink, some are white. It is going to be expensive to make this sweater. Now I am sort of married to Derek. A couple of young women come in and possibly his mother. They don't know Derek and I just got married and they are talking about him. It is clear to me that the woman Paige has a relationship with him. He's had many and I listen in carefully to try and overhear the truth. I feel hurt and unloved and betrayed. Now I go into another room where Derek/Darryl is and his two brothers. He is cold to me and his brother is caring. I go over to talk to the brother. Derek is jealous and demands to know why I pay attention to his brother, not to him. I tell him I know about Paige. He comes over to me and kneels, hugging me, his blond head at my breast level. He is sad and sorry, pleading for me to stay and forgive him. I caress his hair. Now the young wives of the two brothers are getting dressed for the return home of their new husbands. One of them is Paige. The dark-haired one is changing her top and is quite excited to look special and pretty for her husband. I'm changing my clothes too. I step outside where Paige is and say, I know about you two. She says, "Oh?" I say, "Tell me what it was like." She says, "He's a hard one, complex." He used to like to watch me do it (make love with someone). | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I and some other Americans are on the cliff face trying to find a treasure or something valuable. The Russian crew is following us, watching, perhaps video taping us. We pretend the treasure isn't there and go on looking at another spot. Then we rush back to the original spot. Now a Russian team on the opposite canyon wall throws a basketball. This is a challenge. I manage to catch it and say to the Russians near us, on our side of the cliff, "See! ONE! One point." I am being victorious because the score is being kept in American language, not Russian. I now try to throw the ball. It is heavy and I don't get it airborne very much. It falls, I see a poof of smoke and then someone else on my side almost catches it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a bus; it is early in the morning and I see men dressed as vampires (like Halloween costumes) greeting each bus. I think it amusing and silly they'd get up so early to do this little trick. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house, which I think belongs to Cousin Leroy, who is married, only he loves me. He has a younger sister or niece who is not being responsible. I follow her out to the sidewalk where she has a sort of wooden box like a cupboard or desk combination. I go through the mail and papers. Some other woman with me says, "Here, see? She owes volunteer hours at the Y." "What does that mean?" I ask. She says it means she hasn't paid her bills. This is the proof we need for cousin Leroy to confront her. Now I am writing down what he should say on yellow post-it notes. It says, "Because you have not been responsible, you will have to move out." I follow my cousin into the house. He is sitting on the couch. He grabs me affectionately and pulls me into his lap and we kiss and cuddle. I hear someone walking down some stairs and struggle to quickly get out of his embrace so we won't get caught. He is married, after all. He won't let me go. He listens and says it's his father and he's going outside, not through the living room where we are. The thought is there that maybe I'll be his second wife (meaning simultaneous with his first wife.) | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am attending a math class, college math or something. I am attracted to the math teacher and I'm also angry at him. He is flippant and puts me way far away from the regular classroom students who are younger than me. Or else I choose to sit far down the hall, maybe a combination. I decide to leave and I gather up papers and decide to take with me photos of him even as I am telling him I don't like him. I pile them all up and know that as soon as I try to leave, the papers will all fall and make a mess. So in playful defiance of him, I go to his cupboard and take out three rubber bands. He mocks shock that I knew where they were and that I'd have the audacity to take them. We are flirting even though we are pretending to dislike each other. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I've invited Derek over for a party and we're both excited because we're going to get to be kissy and huggy. Only, we don't seem to get alone. An old man, someone of Derek's friend's father, needs comforting. I do that. Derek's friends keep dropping by. Finally, I sit on the couch with him and cuddle. I kiss him twice on the cheek and he gasps like, "Oh, my God, it's starting already and I'm scared." I smile at him reassuringly and he takes the plunge and kisses me and we neck. I feel his gut twitch from his gut pain. Now there's another interruption and I get up to help the old man, and I look in a mirror and see foam stuff foaming up on my head under my hair. I am embarrassed. Maybe I shampooed with the wrong stuff. I lean over the sink and turn on the faucets and I take handful after handful after handful of the foam off my head. More seems to be foaming up, never ending. Now Derek and a woman like Neila are arguing. I go to the back bathroom and continue the washing process. It's taking forever. Derek comes back and leans on the door. It partially opens. I try to keep it closed because I don't want him seeing me all foamed up and with wet hair. He's upset, so I let him in. It's kind of comforting and intimate. He sits on the step to the door and watches me, concerned. He say, "I've got a book we should read. They pretty much recommend you talk it over with the woman pretty much before you fall in love," meaning the sex manual for sex with a para. He smiles up at me and tears come to his eyes. In frustration, he pounds himself on the stomach and legs. He says, "A friend called. He wants to come by and visit. I know you like Sundays and want some loving connected time." He's afraid I'll be mad at him. I smile at him and say, "Don't you understand? I already feel loved, just being near you." I see I'm pulling strands of hairs out with the foam. "Oh, my God," I say, Now I'm going bald too." Now the woman counselor friend of Derek's, called Jane, comes in and is very upset. She has hair things, barrettes and hair clips and rollers in her hand and accuses Derek of stealing them. He's denying it. I turn, wet hair in a towel, and put my hands on her shoulders to stop her from leaving the room. I say, "We can work this out. Let's talk. He didn't do this. I know he didn't." She's pissed at me for blocking her and doesn't want to talk. I have a vague sense of distrust; maybe Derek did take them. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Nightmare. Stabbing, hurting someone and them hurting me. Anger and pain. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have joined the KidsSport swimming group. I am an adult, the only one with all those kids. Now I am the KidsSport writer. I feel a bit silly. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Sweet, loving, affectionate times with Derek. Soft, loving eyes. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Jean-Luc Picard is captain of the space ship and a woman is an officer. Jean-Luc gives me a present, pictures of theaters, like The Shakespearean Theatre. I say, Thank you," but am a bit puzzled why he'd give them to me and a bit disappointed it wasn't something I liked more. I appreciated that it was in the Theatre area of interest, but it's a bit removed from writing and creativity. Now the ship lands on a planet where we rescue the inhabitants from an underground building they'd been locked up in. They are all women and they are clones of each other. There might be different main types or groups. They are docile and unemotional. Now a big bad guy in black, like a Roman Centurion costume, comes into the picture. Somehow we are in a confrontation and he has set it up to where every time we demand something from him, we will have to hurt one of the women, who are now referred to as goddess. We'd demand information and he'd refuse to give it and a docile semi-comatose goddess would walk up to be punished. But we decide rather that each time this happens, we do not hurt the goddess. We cut him. It only takes once. He sees some blood near his nose and whimpers and lays down like he's dying. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I look at a building that is being built out of a rock face of a mountain. I say, "Hey, it's almost done, you can hardly see the rock face at all." It's a brick and glass building now. I walk toward it and a man comes out from the left to greet me. This building is like the University Admissions building and this man is an administrator type. I say, "That sure looks great." He asks if I'd like to go see the inside, even though it's not completely finished. I say sure. We go to the door, which is heavy and hard for me to open. The man is not helpful, and seems hesitant to even want me to go in now. I get the door open and go in. I walk up some stairs. Portions of the floor seem warped even though this is a brand new building. I go around a corner and see booths like Saturday market indoors. This is City Hall and all the departments have booths instead of offices. The first booth I see is the New World Theatre Booth. A man there, an actor, asks if I know where Derek is, because he'd really like to work with him again. I say, "I'll tell him. I'm sure he'd like to do that." I go to the next booth, a woman and her husband. I think they do costumes. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek and I are going to have sex. It is a very complicated ritual. I have to lay a certain way. His wife is coordinating and assisting all this. She brings me a wheelchair with cushions in it and places it over Derek who is laying on his belly on top of me. I'm now supposed to get up and sit in the wheelchair. I don't want to. I think all this is unnecessary. If all these people would just go away (Ellie and Kyle are both there, each in their own pickup truck), things would happen naturally. I try to tell Ellie to leave and I'd find a ride home myself later. She gets out of the truck and refuses to leave. She is being protective of me. Derek gets confrontational with her, saying she's done this sort of thing before (been hostile or refused to do what he said, or something like that). Some woman is perched on the bed to our right in the upper corner; she is just sitting there. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a living room. Derek is there, as well as Charla and other relatives. Derek and I had done half of a script I'd written. We'd taped it, maybe radio or audio tape, I don't know. Charla was in it. Now at 2:00, we'll go in and tape the second half. I'm checking the script to see if Charla is still in it. Some woman relative says, "...But Dovre is so angry at Derek. If he has to go pick Charla up, she'll be mad at him." I say, "Then I'll go get her." I see Charla isn't in the script in the second half and notice there are only long monologues for Derek and me. I see Derek sitting in an easy chair and I hop happily into his lap. I realize that's a bit intimate, so I scoot up on the arm of the chair. I alternate being in his lap and getting up on the arm of the chair. I tell Charla she can stay here with the relatives for a while, as she's not in the script. I am relieved she takes it well and is happy to stay. I see two young men come in and I think one is just like Tony Curtis. Is he a cousin or an Uncle? I am trying to remember. It seems he used to be a relative many years ago. He says hello to me and I realize he is perhaps a son of the old one I remember. He doesn't remember me. I go to Aunt Naomi and ask her if that was Tony, not the Dressel one, but the one that I might have know many years ago. She is surprised and tells me a story of a young man she loved long ago. I say, "But have I met him?" She says, "No." I realize she thought I was being psychic and clicking in on her past love. She is very tall. Now I go into another room. Derek is there holding an oblong box with lots of buttons in it, a musical instrument of some kind. Uncle Joel is there. Derek also has some golf clubs. I teasingly take one and we tease back and forth about how I don't know how to play golf. I say, "Sure I do. You take this club and you..." I look at the ends. No hitting part. So I tickle Uncle Joel's nose with it and we laugh. Then I take the box and try to play a song. At first it is random notes and then I start to get the hang of it and play a nice rhythmic rumba kind of music and end on three bass notes. Everyone is laughing happily and applauding. It is very joyful and I feel good about having figured out how to do it and do it well. I then look at the buttons in the box and realize I've mushed them all up until they are a messy mass of what looks like rubber eraser bits. I say, "Oops, hope you can put it back together" (to Uncle Joel). I then realize it's almost 2:00. I get up to go change my clothes to go to the taping. Uncle Joel is seated on a stool and is sad. He tells me how he used to be good at things and now he can't do them any more. He just tried to read for five hours and on the short reading tests he did OK, but on the longer ones he couldn't remember what he'd read. I am very sympathetic and tell him how I've had to go on and learn new things and give myself grace and time to get good at the new thing. I sort of am aware I'm lecturing, even though I am genuinely sympathetic and loving. I look over at Derek to see if he noticed. Now I'm holding Uncle Joel's hand and I'm walking away to go change. I still have his hand in mine and turn to see that Derek had exchanged Joel's hand for his own and is walking behind me. We go into the bedroom and I see it is 2:00 now. "Oh," I say, "We're late...." I rush around getting the clothes. Derek is very mad at himself for being late again and slaps himself on the legs. I say, "...but first I really got to go pee." I rush for the bathroom. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have returned to work at the community college. I am advising the new students. A man comes up and asks about a lot of different things, like classes in legal aid and religious studies and so on. I ask if he intends to get a degree, either a 2-year or a 4-year one. He doesn't know. He just wants the classes. I get the catalogue and start trying to get the information. I am aware I've been gone for a long time and don't know the new information or the new format it is in. I find a section on Oceanography. Leafing backwards in the catalogue, I find Science. Then, I go forward in the catalogue and find Spiritual, or Religious Studies. I say, "Oh, of course, it would be in alphabetical order." The man is quite happy with me and keeps kissing me on the neck and cheek. I am annoyed with him and finally tell him firmly to stop that. He goes away. Now, I walk toward another section of school. I am outside and walking toward a wooden bridge. Now there is a dream sequence in the dream, where I give up and say to my female partner who I've been living with for some time (like Theresa and Christie of Rochelle's friends), that I give up. We can make love. It's OK now. I wake from that dream and wonder if I really did that and made love, or if it was only a dream. I try to notice how my body feels and decide that it was a dream and we didn't actually make love. I am relieved. I now walk toward the bridge and see Theresa/Christie on a truck. I smile tentatively, thinking she must think I'm really strange to just announce it's OK to make love after so long ignoring her. She smiles at me and says, "It's still a marriage even though I've been in the deep freeze for so long." She chats about things and asks me how it went at work yesterday. I say, "It was a long day, 8 to 10 hours, but I started getting the hang of it after awhile. The hardest part and the most tiring was working with the new students." The feeling is that we will get together later. I walk on across the bridge and see I'm in a fruit/produce section of a grocery store and pause to choose some snacks, fruits. I choose a banana, think about the apple or the pear, and eat the banana. Dickie stops by to get some too. Then, we'll head on over to where we'll be working. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house. I decide I want everyone to help me clean up the mess and put their things away. I suggest we all pick up our own clothes and put them where they belong as a start. I specifically say to Jake, "Come on, you too." He groans and then they all start getting up and picking up their things and taking them to their rooms. I see a small girl holding two very heavy mirrors, with wood frames on them, maybe vanity mirrors. I say to Jake, "Why don't you give her a hand." He agrees and they go off together down the hall to a bedroom. I turn to supervise the rest and then see them returning down the hall. The little girl says that was a funny kiss and a really weird hug. I see Jake looks guilty and wants her to not talk about it and I realize with a sinking feeling that he sexually came on to her and I set that up by suggesting he help her. Somehow, I knew he'd do that, or I felt like I should have known. The damage is done. I feel bad. I go back to my room where I see Aunt Naomi has rearranged all my furniture and the bedroom is now like an alcove connected with the living room. My bed is now like a slide. I crawl up to the flat platform at the top and my water bottle goes sliding down. I am very uncomfortable as I'll slide off and down if I relax at all. I see large windows and a huge space which used to be crowded with furniture. I go into the living room part and see how some of my furniture is intermixed with the living room furniture. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am outdoors and cooking some stew on a burner of a stove. Or my mother is and I go stir it. Clothes are laying all over the stove and I am trying to get them off the burner so they don't catch on fire. Corinne is talking about something. She says, "Communication sure is hard." I agree and say, "But it's worth working it through." Then my mother says, "Then I suppose I have to tell you (Corinne) what Sue said." I can see they are going to have a hard time working through this without getting angry at each other. I try to help out. I then look up in the sky and see my father hang gliding. He does it every day, for his health, like exercise. I lose sight of him and then find him again and wave. Then I see the sky is filled with hang gliders, hundreds of them. Some of them are landing in the huge river in front of the stove. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm taking a shower with Marshall Peters. Somehow this is working with the clients together. The shower stream of water is very thin and weak. Now I'm showering with Lucy, only instead of us doing it together, we take turns. I lather up with thick globs of shampoo soap. I am dressed, so when I lift up the blouse and rub my tummy, I get the dress wet. in spots. Then I eat something. Then Marshall comes in and talks about his client, who is a mess and does everything wrong and can't keep herself or her house clean. I realize with surprise he's talking about his wife. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | There is a huge warehouse room and inside are screaming, terrorized people being mass murdered by machine gun fire. One of the bad guys, a woman, comes outside, because it is so horrible she can't bear it. She fires one bullet out of her machine gun in the general direction of others like her that are doing the killing. I sense that if she gets stronger, she will be able to defend and stop the mass killing. Some blood seeps out from under the door jamb. An umbrella with a spot of blood comes out and then a young teen woman in a yellow lace and satin knee-length prom dress, wrapped in a plastic bag, comes out. She will suffocate if she can't get out of the bag. Another young woman comes by and tries to untie the knot on the bag saying, "I'll undo the pie." The feeling is one of distance. I don't see the carnage, only small spots of blood and they are in a room. But I know this distant terror is real and could become close and be felt. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek and I arrive at a house. The meeting will start soon, maybe a dream group meeting. Some of the people are arriving. I can't get my car parked. The gate is locked and I'd have to get out and unlock it. I'm across the other lane of the road where the road curves downhill and a car is coming, so I move the car to a rocky spot. It won't fit. I turn around and someone gets in and I get out. They will park the car. Now I go in. Derek arrives and comes in. We greet each other with a kiss and quickly we are passionately kissing and want to find a place to be alone to make love. We go to several different rooms and find a bedroom. We make love. I hold his head in my hands. It is a small head. I can't see his face well. He is feeling only down to his chest. As we wriggle around he groans in pleasure with pain. I ask, "Am I hurting you?" He says, "Yes, but it is OK," as it also is the orgasm. We desperately want each other. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek and I are going to make love. A young girl, maybe Charla, is there. I'm sending her off to her room. I need to go pee. I ask him, "My place or yours?" He says, "Your place." I go find a toilet and pee a lot. Then this bathroom connects to my bedroom. I go in just as he is opening the door to the bedroom from the hall. He is standing, wearing a tank top and some leotard-like, flesh-colored outfit, like he's naked, only he's not. His legs don't move, and in fact I don't see legs. He's sort of stiff. We make love passionately. Now I go out and see Derek in a car. There are five cop cars in a line and his car is right behind them, a perfectly safe place to be. Another man is in the backseat of Derek's car and he opens the door and invites me in. I get in, happy to be alone with Derek. I curl up with the other man who says it's OK to press back against him if it's more comfortable. Derek gets out to rearrange himself and his assistant helps him back into the car. We are going to be together and that makes me happy. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A small "grandma" mouse is in danger. A snake is coming toward her and will swallow her whole. I am concerned and squeamish. Then the snake thinks to itself, "I'll try a different approach. I'll go slow and hypnotize her and then pounce." He moves slowly toward her, head on. She watches. I want to call out, "Run. Run." Then the snake goes inside her mouth, instead of swallowing her. She has the opportunity to save herself by biting off the snake's head. I am squeamish because I don't want to watch or hear it, but she doesn't do it. Her mouth is a huge "O" shape as the snake puts his head inside. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Five live rats are being held in a bunch by their tails by a woman. It's sort of medicine for the little girl. I am squeamish. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Storm Kennedy and I are looking at a pile of photos and magazine pictures I've collected. We go into another room. A man is there and I park my wheelchair next to him. He is going to explain some financial matter to me. He asks if I have any popcorn and I say, "Yes, I do." I go to the counter across the room where there are many, many small drawers, like in a kitchen. I look in each drawer and discover I'm out of the microwave popcorn packages. I see a few piles of spilled popcorn seeds, but it would be too much work to pop them the old-fashioned way. In another drawer are more magazine pictures and photos. I pick up a sort of radio earphone thing, but it's not what I thought it was. It was supposed to be a " _____ticket". | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | The children, maybe five or seven of them, are being noisy and interrupting and I can't do my writing. I am angry and slam the door to keep them out of my writing room. They pound on the door and yell and I am furious. All I want is some peace and quiet so I can write. I push things off my desk and grab a typewriter and begin to furiously type anything that comes to mind. A pretty good story gets done. I determinedly finish it, ignoring as best I can the unruly children. Now I go out into the living room. It's a mess, with furniture moved all around, stuff all over. I go out to the mailbox on the porch and get the mail. As I am looking at what came, I see maybe five vans or station wagons pull up. The kids are back home. One vehicle is for Dovre, one for Ellie and her family and so on. I am surprised there are so many. I see that the clothes I had ordered for Howard's Christmas present have come in the mail. Now I call to the kids to come into the house NOW. I am angry and demand they come. They saunter in, being insolent and rude. I slap some on the face repeatedly. I yell at them. I make them all sit on the couch and I rail into them. I say, "Things are going to change around here." I know 50% of this is my fault and 50% is their fault. I hear me thinking (for them) that if there are five of them and 50% is their total fault, then only ___% is each individual's share of the fault. I sneer and say, "Let's get on with the important stuff." One goes to the fridge in the kitchen. I lunge after him screaming, "Get back here NOW." Two little ones wander off the couch and I say, "Out. Get out and never come back." They finally leave. I feel a little sad, but determined to gain control and not be taken so advantaged of. "Things are going to be different from now on," I say and begin to lay down the rules. They continue to snipe and not pay attention. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek brings me into his bedroom. I look around to see everything so I can get a sense of him. I see two wall phones, and in black marker ink Derek has written some things like, "I feel...." It is all about how wonderful he feels when he is talking to me on the phone. I see his bed. I notice where the pillow is and go near that end to see what he sees when he's there. I see he has arranged dried flowers, colorful ones, lots of red, and a mirror and pretty things like driftwood and so on. I like the pleasant feeling it gives. I see a night table and see the answering machine and am pleased that he can hear me when I leave a message late at night and he is in bed. Now his attendants are there to help him get in bed. A man is working his catheter, four women are on a couch, two other women on the floor to my left. I am standing there, not knowing what to do. Derek is talking to me. He is gruff, distant and angry and he is also telling me to get in bed with him. I sit on the edge of the bed next to him as he turns himself to lay on his belly. I see rough, raw, red skin near his ankles and a flat wrinkled butt. He turns and looks at me, waiting. I take off my shoes and peel off my socks saying, "I hope you don't mind my cold feet." He laughs angrily and says, "You have so many layers of fear up here (he touches my forehead brusquely) and I am naked in a bed with you and you're worried about me not liking your cold feet?" He snorts derisively and lays back. He's now on his back. He says, looking at me coldly, "Now is the time to find out if this works, before it's gone too far and it's too late." I sigh and say, trying to kiss him on the mouth, but he pulls sharply back from my kiss, "I'd rather take the test and fail then not take the test at all." I curl up around his chest and try to kiss his cheek. He pulls back coldly. His hair is nearly shaved off, he is skinny. I tentatively kiss him several times more and keep talking. I say, "You talk about me. You have five heavy cement walls, two moats with dragons in them, dungeons and two alien spaceships guarding the fort." He smiles and returns a sweet kiss. He is lightening up. He says, "What's your middle name, honey?" I say, "Jane. My name is B. Jane. Darryl used to call me Barbie Jane." I say, "What's your middle name. Oh, no, I know it already, don't I? It's---it's Dwayne." Now he turns his head to kiss my breast and I am sexually warm all over, even though I am still dressed in bra and panties. Now the interruptions come. Charla is there and bouncy and full of energy. Some friends drop by and talk. Charla goes out of the room and down the hall to ask a man a question. I get up and try to call her back. She comes back and Derek asks her what size she is, period. She says, "Over 24 inches." I laugh and laugh because she has figured out why he asked the question and knew the right answer. "You have to be over 24 inches to be able to ride the amusement rides." Derek calls someone, a woman named Jean, an attendant, to come and he pays her to take Charla to the amusement park. I notice water is spilled on the wall and go over to wash it off. Derek and I are talking back and forth, like couples do, making inside jokes and comments meant only for each other's ears. Now three different people come in, a secretary, a man and another woman helper. The man says, "Oh, it sure is busy here now and I can see I have to defer to the head Mother," meaning the secretary. He goes and the secretary says she got a call from Guns and Roses and they want him to do a conference at their concert in North Carolina, but he is scheduled that weekend at San Francisco. He says happily, "Cancel San Francisco and make the date." Now he says to me, "I'm going upstairs now." I hesitate, not knowing if I should stay here or go with him. He smiles and says, "Bet I'll get there before you do." I say, "I'll take the elevator." I am walking and I push my power chair to the elevator and get in. A woman in there has to help me pull up the chair over the tall first step into the elevator. Now we are upstairs and I decide to call Sebastian Fox, a friend of mine, because I saw on the Guns and Roses poster he's the warm-up band. I get him on the phone and he says, "Sebastian and Carol." I wonder for a moment if I'd accidentally called my cousin Sebastian. I ask him if he remembers me. He says, "Sure," and I ask about if he's booked for the concert in North Carolina. He says, "We may be, depends which concert they get assigned to." I say, "A friend of mine is going. He'll probably be at the smallest concert because his stuff is about disability." I hear Derek off in the distance saying, "...And what do you feel about that?" I say, "It's a shame because he's really good and very funny too." I say, "You know I've been thinking I'd do conferences on dream work." I want Derek to hear that because it would be great if he and I did those conferences together and traveled and worked together. The feeling I get from Derek is warm and positive and responsive. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I have written a book. I am looking at it and notice that I've tried to sketch a few illustrations. As I turn the pages, I notice that the illustrations get better and better with more detail. I think, "I'd like to show this to Derek, so he'd see I tried to do art work too." Then, I see the book is larger and the illustrations are in color and they are very detailed. I wonder if I had done these; probably not, since they are so good. I can't do this well. The first pictures were pencil sketches of hands, somewhat crooked fingers, like mine many years ago. I think, "That's interesting they are like mine," and then I think, "But, of course, they are. People create art like themselves." One picture is over two pages, a skeleton in the sand on a desert island. The next page is his skull. Then there are missiles with smaller missiles coming out of them, four pictures in a vertical row showing the smaller missile coming out. "Looks phallic," I think. I examine the picture closely, thinking, "Naw, there's no way I could have done this one. Maybe I did a collage, but it is obviously not a collage." Now I close the book and look over to Howard, who is in a narrow bed. Under the bed are piles of my clothes. I see a huge ant who picked up a crumb or a maggot and is lugging it over to the clothes to eat it. I am fascinated. I look at the bed and think, "If you put a box over it, a person could set it up so you'd have everything you'd need there. A great bed for an invalid." It looked a bit like a coffin. Now a little girl comes in. I'd heard her in the bathroom throwing up. She is crying. I say, "Not feeling good, huh?" I feel a bit guilty for not having gone to help her. Then she looks distraught and I see she's having diarrhea. I say, "Oh, it looks like you've got the stomach flu. Go on into the bathroom. It's all right." She has left little piles of shit like chili con carne on the floor. I follow her in to help clean her up, only now I see the toilet is overflowing. Water is all over. She's crying. I yell down the hall to my father, "Hey the toilet is overflowing. Come help get the water cleaned up." He comes out to help. The girl is mopping up water with towels. It's a mess. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Sparky wants to plug in a string of Christmas lights that have a short circuit in them, or rather the switch in the wall does. The lights go on and off. I suggest she try another switch or plug in. Kenneth comes in dressed in a graduation gown, a witch's hat and funky platform-heeled shoes. Sparky is a bit taken aback. I say, "He's like that," somewhat proudly. Kenneth grabs the string of lights and says, "Let's try plugging them in over here." I am pleased he has the same thoughts as I do and acts upon them. Now he's hungry and wants to eat. He grabs a hamburger from a buffet bar in the center of the room and another one for Sparky. She says she doesn't want it. So he puts it back and places two sandwiches there. A fat, bald baby is sitting there and she takes a huge bite out of the sandwich. I go to her to stop her from eating Kenneth's food. Her mouth is overflowing with mayo. She's sliding off the high chair. I have a bag in my left hand and am trying to keep her from falling off the chair and keep feeding her too. I wonder why I didn't think to put down the bag so I could use both hands. Then a man is laying on the floor. His face is pudgy and bald like the baby's. He says he's joined the Marines. I say, teasing, "They only want a few good men," and he and I say together, "but if you're not a good man, they'll make your life hell." We laugh. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am auditioning for a play. I am the only woman trying out for the "Alice" role. Four men are there to try out. One is skinny, one is short, one is very tall, like 7 feet, 5 inches. When he comes out on stage (I am in center stage as these men come out and they then go sit on a bench behind me), the director teases him about his height. I gently admonish the director not to make fun of people who are different. I figure this audition will be pretty easy, since I'm the only woman trying out. I'm given a fat script held together by paper clips. Now other women come out and it's not so cinchy any more. I'm told to read the part of Ana. I look for where she comes in. Three other women are on stage doing parts and I am now concerned and struggling to find the place they are at in the script so I know when to enter. The more I try to find the place, the more messed up the pages get. Now the script is in two or three major chunks. I hear them say, "Ana." I know they are waiting for me to enter. I come out and say to the director, "I can't find the right page. I think it's missing in the script." I go to the front of the stage. It is very high up from the auditorium floor. The stage is slippery and I'm in socks. I can barely keep myself from sliding right off the edge and falling. The director is very distant, way down there, and he's annoyed. He's also concerned that if my script is messed up, maybe others are too. I feel guilty because I know it's my fault I can't find the page, not that it is missing, but I don't say anything. I have to grasp the curtains (a flannel or felt material -- one yellow, the other another color, perhaps blue or green) in order to stop myself from falling off the stage. The director gives me an 800 number I can call to get another script and dismisses me. I go back to try again to find the missing page, because if I go call the number, it will take too long and I'll lose out. The director has lost interest in me. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Something about sexual abuse, and Derek was there also in the background. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I live in a house. Katrina and Derek are there to visit. I give them a tour. I live in the older part, which is equivalent to a 2-bedroom small house. The back bedroom was a remodeled add-on. Derek says, "There's one bedroom that isn't being used." I say, "Not only that, but there is more to this house. I like it better. It's bigger and the rooms are more interesting." I go down the hall and pass through two kitchens, each one fully equipped. The one in the hall has two refrigerators. I open the French-doors with glass squares to the spacious living room. There are big windows on the far wall, very nice. We look in. It is fairly empty. I wonder why I don't live here, and not in the small older square room I currently live in. I go on down the hall and show a bedroom, and at the end of the hall is a double connecting door. I try it to make sure and the inner door is locked, meaning the other side of this house is occupied with other people. I remember that last year I lived for a while in this side and had a hospital bed in the bedroom. I can't remember why I moved back to the older part. Now I want to go into the spacious living room and show Derek. We go in. I notice a hilly knoll of grass that needs to be tended to on the floor. I see two fireplaces and a kerosene heater, and a small electric heater. I see bookshelves on the wall, only it is all covered with knickknacks and clocks. Derek says, "You've got some really weird stuff in here." I say, "It's not mine." I look around. Lots of the clocks have seashells on them for decoration. One clock has two small secondhand circles. The hands are going around very fast. Derek asks me if I ever go to the coast to write. I say yes, I'd been to N City. He asks if I liked it. I say yes. I keep looking around and see a lawyer's glassed bookcase with weird knickknacks and wine bottles in it. I want the case, but not what's in it. Now we go to the bedroom and look around. A woman is there. Paulina at about 5 or 6 years is there. Derek and I had left our wheelchairs in the hall. He walked with a limp and a cane. I got back into my chair so he wouldn't feel bad. Now see Derek is seated in the wicker chair at a small wicker dining table. I choose to remain in my wheelchair and bump the table several times. I know it would be more comfortable if I transferred also, but I stubbornly don't. Paulina and I are talking about last year. We're playing a card game. (I wake up for a few moments and go right back into the dream. I am aware that I've dreamt this house before.) Now Derek and I are in another room and Paulina mentions a bunny. "Oh," says Derek, "I want to see the bunnies." I sit where I am and Derek goes into another part of the store and returns with a towel. He puts it in my lap. I know by this that he's decided he wants a bunny. He goes back to pick out one. I say, after he's out of the room, "I want to help choose. Paulina had a bunny last year. I want one of the round cute fuzzy ones." He goes upstairs and comes back with a flat kind of bunny. Now I have a lap full of six baby bunnies and a mother bunny, maybe the one from last year comes in and nests with them, like a mama bird. Another white one comes in. I pet it and it meows. I am surprised it is a cat and still wants to nurture the baby bunnies. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | A deaf female teacher/star is being sued by her husband over the lyrics of her song. The school board makes a ruling. She and the husband drive to the school to get the decision. A hired man (agent or something) is driving the car. There is a circle cul-de-sac and on the curb is the board, who are playing a tape of the song. This somehow is an embarrassment to the woman singer and she's pissed. So as they drive around the circle, she says to the driver, "Do it," meaning speed up the car, drive it up over the curb and over the lawn and through a sculpture; destructive. The driver pleads with her not to order him to do this. He says, "Please. I'm asking. I'm begging you. I'm demanding. I'm refusing." She stiffly and angrily orders him to do it. Against his own wishes, he then starts to obey her. Some woman (perhaps me) in the back seat reaches over and grabs the wheel and they fight as the woman tries to force them to not hit the sculpture. They crash and someone, the driver or the woman, is now walking alongside the singer, screaming at her angrily! "Damn it! You could be the most kind, helpful, loving person in the world with all the gifts you have and you choose to be destructive and mean. Why? Why do you do this?" She won't listen. She's too haughty and angry. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | The boys go into my parent's house, which is very like the one they were in, in E City. Now a sister and mother are sort of like robots, with earrings that light up. They see the boys and the boys say to the mother, "Fuck off. just shut up." The women are surprised and, in fact, let them go. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Irv is taking a class I'm teaching for people with disabilities. He's kind of a helper, not a student. We are going to help the students plan and make a bicycle. I suggest we hire Irv as a guest speaker. He can do this well. It's a good idea. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in bed reading an article about the bus driver's getting a raise. A woman is interviewed. She'd gotten her raise just an hour ago. There's like a puzzle in the paper to fill out, the name of the driver, married or not, etc. I am trying to guess her name and write "Christina." Another name was a man's name and also ended in an "a." All of them did. In the interview, which I see happening, the woman driver says "I'm a family person. This raise gives me insurance for my husband and so on. Some people think it's frivolous to..." Then suddenly I'm aware there is a man in my bedroom. I am startled. He talks softly, but I am worried. There had been snipings lately and he'd somehow entered even though I'd locked the door. I remain calm. He chats about the bus driver's raise. I get up and try to encourage him to leave, pretending to be interested in the conversation. He goes toward the door, but then sits at the dinette table by the window by the door. He's gotten a cup of coffee. "It's too hot," he says. I realize he made it himself and the coffee machine is still on. I find that ominous. I humor him. He's scaringly calm and friendly. Finally he gets up and goes out, still chatting. As he goes toward the apartment stairwell, I shut the door, then reopen it to hook the lock on the screen door. He laughs and says, "Now why would you lock the door like that now? It wasn't locked before. I nervously say, "Oh, you can't be too careful." I notice the hook and eye are not properly attached and it will be of no help. I push the lock button on the door knob and shut the door. I think to myself, "He looks just like Robert Dinero. I rush to the phone to call the police. I am afraid. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in bed asleep. Nate comes in. He wants to make love, so he starts his charming patter. He kisses me and I say, "Ummmm." He says, "What does a woman mean when she says "ummmm," and I lie and say, "It means, 'Oh, how interesting,'" but what it really means is "God that feels good. I want it." I ask him to leave. I get up. He follows me and holds me close. He puts his penis in as we are standing. I say, "No, not here, someone could walk by and see." We are in front of the open screen door (same place as first dream). So we're walking around clinging and he's kissing me. We go into another bedroom and start to lay down on the floor. I'm sitting on him. Then a young crazy man comes in and stands near us. He's talking to himself and has papers and shirts and they fall on the floor. Nate and I ask him to leave. He mumbles incoherently as he tries to gather up his stuff. Nate and I sit there, still coupled sexually, waiting. I help the young man hang up a shirt (white office work shirt) on a wire hanger. The hook is crooked. He hangs it up in his mouth, stretching his mouth out very wide. We uncouple and stand up, trying to herd the young man out. He asks if he can keep something. We get him to the porch. Now he and Nate have words and start to fist fight. I say, "Don't please." A woman comes up, a homeless woman looking for the ame place the young man was looking for. It is obviously the wrong address. There's a Styrofoam cooler with something rotten in it, and the man wants to know if he can have some. I say "Yes." He takes some. Now I see there is some strange metal ramp enclosed thing on the porch screwed into the railing. I see an elaborate (articulated sections) iron lung gadget next to it. The young man starts tinkering with the iron lung thing. I say, "It will get broken." Nate says, "Whose is it?" I say, "The government wanted to keep it here for awhile. I'm responsible." Nate says, "Did you agree to watch over it?" I said, "No." Then, he says, "You aren't responsible." I notice I am trying to unscrew the other thing and stop that. I would like these things gone, but somehow they'd been foisted on to me. So as Nate and I are watching, the man dismantles parts of the iron lung thing. I'm wishing that they'd go away so I could finish making love to Nate. Nate says, "Well, hope they hurry because I'm getting married tomorrow." I say, "What did you say?" He realizes he's blown it. He makes something else up and I say, "No, you said getting married tomorrow." I swing open the screen door. He looks at me like a naughty boy and steps out. "Sure you won't change your mind," he wheedles. I say sadly, "No." I really would like to make love to him but, oh, well. He blew it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am a feisty old woman and my daughter is trying to run my life. I meet an old man and we are going out on a date. My grown grandchildren are watching, feeling happy for us. My daughter is sour and disapproving. I am like a pixie, choosing a video from a stack of them and deliberately misplacing them, mixing things up. Now we sneak out for the date and come back two weeks later. I say to my daughter, "We got married." She is shocked and then I laugh and say, "And then we got unmarried." It's like we got married to distress her and then got unmarried to be more naturally who we are. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I'm pumping iron and decide to up the weights to 50 pounds. I hold in each hand a huge, thick weight. It is almost too much. It is difficult to do curl-ups and then I notice I am making it to 20 or so reps, which is impressive. I am slim and fit-looking in my spandex leotard outfit. I try to go down a flight of stairs with the weights in my hand and nearly fall down the stairs as my balance is not used to the added weight. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I've moved into a place. I notice that we only brought the furniture this time and the move is much easier because I left behind all those boxes of papers and my writings. Dwight and I are talking about what we're going to be. I say, "I wanted to be an artist and I wanted to be a writer but it's not going to happen. I used to be a counselor and a teacher but I can't do that anymore because of my arthritis," (and I feel a bit guilty about that because I know that's not completely true). I feel like I'm drifting. I don't know what I want to do. Dwight is hungry and opens up a cupboard where I'd cooked left-over lunch, taco pizza. It looks pretty gross, but he eats it anyway. Now, I'm trying to run a writer's group, with Aunt Elaine and some young cousins, maybe Uncle Lionel. I can't get them to get settled down. They wander around and giggle and talk and interrupt and leave and come back. Finally in exasperation I say, "This is like teaching kindergarten kids!" They are sympathetic and try to come to order. Suddenly, I see a huge plastic air-filled duck drop down, like in Mace's parade balloon. It falls into the hedge near the windowed wall. I am amazed and go over, thinking suddenly, "Maybe there's someone in it. Maybe it's an alien from outer space." I get closer and see that there is something in it, eight babies. I say, "Someone call 911 and get the police...no, the medical people first, to take a look at those babies!" Someone goes to call. We wait and wait. It's taking them far too long and we get suspicious they've sent for the military. I say, "There's no way I'll let the military guys come in here first without making sure the babies are all right." A man now comes in a navy uniform, only it's a captain of the work crew that's been building the submarine complex out in the bay or ocean right outside the windows. Someone had called him about the duck, Murphy Salvage, or something. I explain we're first waiting for the hospital people. I put in another call. They are cold, distant and confused. Now I'm alarmed they are up to something. The Captain pulls me aside to talk. I say to him, "Too bad your sub isn't ready yet," because I know he's just recently sent up a work crew to rest or something and it was empty. He says, "Well, it is working, technically. A few men are down there. It's almost ready for its shake-down cruise." I look at him, wondering if we could hide down there. He then smiles at me and begins to say something like, "I've always liked you but somebody had to do or say something to let the other know they're interested." I look at him surprised. He then leaps off the table he's sitting on and gently but insistently pushes me up against the windowed wall, where outside the waters are churning turbulently. He kisses me. I am aware that it's an OK kiss but not really exciting and he's OK looking but not all that handsome. I think, "He has tufts of hair in his ears and a bit of a paunchy belly." After the kiss, I say to him, "Well, I never even thought of this as a possibility before." I pause as he waits, thinking over my feelings, and then I say, "I'm willing to 'work at' the possibility and see what happens." (I use an academic word that starts with "A" for "work at.") He is very happy. He has a chance. We are all going to hide the duck on his sub and he will court me in those rough waters. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am marrying a man. We are sweet on each other. His mom finds out and is very jealous and pushes me away. She doesn't want me near her boy. I watch, as the story unfolds that for years she's been abusing him in horrible, torturing ways, handcuffing him to the wrong place on a trailer and then driving, him being drug on the dirt road, the wheels just barely missing running over him. He cries and begs for her to stop, but she just laughs crazy like Sybil's mom. Finally, the pain of being drug is so bad he tries to get himself situated so that when the handcuffs release, he's in the path of the wheels and he'd be run over, killed, and put out of his misery. I feel painful empathy for him. Now she's in a house telling him to get ready for bed, she's got his medicine ready for him. She goes into the bathroom and pees and has a bowel movement into the water and then she's going to put it in his medicine. I am repulsed by what I see. She sees me watching and screams at me to get out. "Get out." Now there's a dad too, a retired military man who works at a boy's school. (He describes how careful you have to be and not be in the bathroom with a boy alone.) He's usually gone, but occasionally comes home and has violent sex with her and with a woman friend of mine. The dad and mom love/hate each other very much. He has some white cream in a tube he puts in her vagina or on his penis. He wants her to eat some. She refuses. I take a small bit into my mouth, like being nice and helping him to feel better and not rejected. My woman friend also takes a taste on her tongue. Then he says, quite chattily, that he's had syphilis for 20 years. He starts to describe the symptoms. I am sick and ask permission, "If you don't mind, I'd like to rinse out my mouth." I try to rinse and spit to get it all out. It's a bit foamy now like shaving cream. I hope I got it all out before I swallowed any so I don't get diseased. Now some fat secretary woman is describing how he'd lock her in the bathroom, her in her black slip, and take a whip. (He'd be in full military uniform. I'm amazed because I thought he was just a psycho security guard or something, but it's a real military uniform.) "He cracks a mean whip," says the woman, "and it really hurts." I feel the pain on my butt in sympathy of her real pain. I flinch. This is a sick and crazy man. Then he insists I make love to him and twists my nipples to stimulate me. I feel sexual excitement and do it. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Derek is painting pictures of mountains. I am trying to paint one too. I have my palette and see a sort of yellowish color up in the right hand corner, an odd color for the sky. Derek starts to dabble in my colors and I ask him not to. I then awkwardly attempt to paint. I draw a steep-peaked mountain and remember what my father said about how mountains aren't really that steep. I redraw it in softer curves. I discover how leaving some portions of the canvas blank and using that whiteness as a part of the picture enhances the picture. I create many different mountain ranges with some kind of building structure in the left corner foreground. It's pretty good. [BL] | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I go to a dating service and see the video of a man named Jim. I am very attracted to him and know that he's the one I want. I make a video of me. I say, "This is what I look like. You can see I'm in a chair, and older and plump." Then I squirrel around in my wheelchair, showing him my energy and personality. I hope he'll accept me. He does, and we set up a first date. I am excited and a little scared. I know this is so right, I am looking forward to it. He comes to my hotel/apartment. I meet him in the lobby wearing a yellow satin prom dress kind of thing. It is awkward and OK. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am driving a car and am following a truck. I see that it is a flatbed truck and a couple of horses are on it. And as I watch, the horses have loosened themselves from their stalls and are slowly drifting or sliding over to the back edge. They are going to fall off and hit the road and I'll be killed and so will they. I slam on my brakes to get some distance between the upcoming accident and me. As a result, an eight-car collision occurs. Now we are stopped, and on the side of the road. I am dazed. I look into the rear view mirror and see the cars all smooshed up, fender to fender. Everyone seems unhurt but angry. One of them marches up to my driver's side door, which is open, and starts to lecture me on being more careful. I am furious and tell him off, explaining that I probably saved our lives by doing it this way. Now another man comes up and asks me if I'm all right. He's very friendly and seems gentle and on my side. I suddenly get suspicious as he gets into the passenger side, that he is a doctor. He agrees. He is a doctor. That pisses me off because I hate it when some one is kind and caring because it's their profession or it is in general for everybody. I want that to be for me. He is suggesting we drive to the hospital. I ask if they (the police) are done with us, and then I am driving away, assuming that they are. I am flirting gently with the doctor. We drive to his house. He is married and has kids and yet it is clear he likes me very much. He says, "Can you manage to go over there?" "Where?" I ask. "To the barn." I go there, wondering what this is all about, and trusting it. He has a one-horse sleigh and we're going to take a ride. It is sweet and romantic. He helps me in and wraps a warm black fur blanket around me tightly, like you'd tuck in a blanket around a baby. I smile and then get worried he's pinning me down, my arms, and I'll be taken advantage of. But I calm down and trust him. He shows me there really is a horse in the barn, meaning we'll really go for a ride. I ask how we can do that with no snow on the ground, and he says it has special wheels on the skids. Now his teen boys come in and are very curious about who I am and why I'm here. They seem to understand that their father loves me and it's OK with them because they want their father to be happy. It is gentle and soft. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am watching a young man who was a star athlete in high school. He's graduated now and doesn't know what to do. He's a nobody now. So he returns to high school to hang out and becomes a delinquent. He plays mean tricks on people and is insolent. A woman teacher (dark hair) is walking down the sidewalk. It's lunch break. The boy says to his cohort, "Hey, I'll pay you 75 cents to moon her with me." The other boy says, "Nah." The boy takes a pair of scissors and snips off a bit of his hair. He says, "OK, then a buck." "Nah," says the other boy as he snips off another bit of hair. The other boy says, "For 1.50, I'll do it." The boy is upset it is so much. He must be losing his control, but he agrees. So as the teacher walks past them, they pull down their pants. Her first initial automatic response is to gasp and get angry and righteous, but she realizes this is exactly what they want and so she just says, "Huh," like she's bored and walks on. She's quite please she figured out how to let the air out of their balloons! She is very upset and thinking hard, because she's on probation. She has stood up to a student (male) and people are upset with her. It isn't fair. As she walks, she sees an orange and white cat who she wants to pet. She stoops down to pet it and it loves being petted, laying down on it's side and purring as the teacher strokes its soft and sometimes matted fur. Suddenly she looks at her watch. It's 1 o'clock; she's late. She turns back and walks toward the school. She notices the houses on the left. One is a single room, empty, pretty, but too small. It has a step, but on the side is a ramp. "Good," thinks the teacher. The houses are older and nice. She now either recalls or receives a phone call from the mother of the male student who she stood up to. The mother is nasty and mean. She is saying that the teacher just isn't understanding enough. She misunderstood the student's intentions. Did he speak to you in a mean way? She sneers like that is going to prove the teacher wrong. The teacher tells her it's the mother's fault and this annoys the mother very much. She makes a sarcastic remark, thinking she has proven her point that she is right and the teacher is wrong and hangs up. She leaves her room as her husband is entering it. The husband says, "How are you?" She grumps, "Yep," well satisfied with herself. The husband shrugs and ignores her. Now the teacher is nearly to the school and decides to go in the side door and hopefully avoid the main office. She hopes that there was a fire drill so her lateness will not be noticed. She sees that along the wall of the high school are displays of different breakfast cereals: Wheaties, Cheerios, Men's____ (like study group) and on the left side of the sidewalk is a stack of cereals called "Misjudgments. 50 ways to count." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am vacationing on Hawaii. I look forward to the beauty. but things keep going wrong: the wrong bus, we get stalled, we can't find the place. I discover it's just a tourist trap. Finally I leave and then decide to return, thinking I can find some small corner near the beach where I can enjoy the ocean and surf and beach. I know I made the wrong decision, but I do it anyway. I find a rundown neighborhood. The tourist fancy buildings are off on the horizon, but I can't find the ocean. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am being encouraged to go to a river and cross the bridge so I can get a good look at the river. I come to the river's edge and look down. It is full of brown water and strong currents. I don't want to cross the bridge and look at the river. I see cars driving in the river and wonder how they can breathe in there, because the car looks like it is under the water. I look more closely and see the water is only up to their necks. Close enough, I think. I decide to go away from the river. I am going against traffic. It is hard and slow. I round a corner and see a glimpse of the ocean where the river runs into it. The waves are huge and white and foamy as they crash against the rocks. I want to go down on the beach. A man also wants to go there and we sort of go together. Now we are on the beach. We pass a room where it's a sort of a glassed-in museum and a 95-year-old grandma is inside telling the visitors whatever they want to know about the things in there. I am curious and sign up for my turn to go in. Now I have my girls and a young college age girl as part of my party to go in and see the woman. The man and I are friends now. As we wait, the woman, now an older spiritual guru type woman, comes in flustered and says somewhat shortly at her male partner/business manager/lover, "You're not sending in the right kind. I want only the ones that are willing to work." I feel a bit concerned. I sort of want to work and yet I am not completely trusting that she isn't just some fake guru and will lead me astray, and I'll be sincerely working only down the wrong path. Now she's ready for us and he calls us to come quickly for our time with her. I call out to the girls who are scattered by now. The man and I go sit down on the floor right in front of the couch barrier in front of her. I accidentally knock off a few unset gems (jewels) that were scattered across the top of the couch-like barrier as I try to get down on the floor. Now the man and I cuddle, my back into his front as I lean back into his comforting presence. She won't work with us until we are relaxed, deeply asleep and open. I am almost there, I am warmly asleep and yet I am fighting it. I don't know how to get to that feeling place I have to get to for her to do her work. The harder I try, the more awake I become. Now the session is over and we stumble back out to the beach, sleepy and yet we need to drive back home. The man and I will share driving one car and the girls will share driving another. We'll take turns when the other gets sleepy. The college student girl is concerned. She needs more information, but the woman is gone now. I say, "Well, we have her business card. Here's her phone number, but I think it will probably not work because she probably lives way out in the coast range and will be inaccessible to us." I try to encourage the girl to let go of needing the answer and come home to rest. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | Robert Redford has been out drinking. He comes in late at night and I am already in the hide-a-bed. I am not asleep, but pretend to be. He stumbles in and decides to lay down by me on the bed. He is married, but we are attracted to each other. He lays down across my belly, mumbling to himself. I feel him begin to have an erection. He is sexually excited about being close to me. He is upset with himself for feeling this. "Damn," he mumbles. "Usually, when this happens, I dance. But maybe she doesn't want me to dance. I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea. I don't have any idea." He is whispering to himself and then he curls up around me and gently, softly kisses my shoulder, chest area. Then he begins to gently kiss the chin bone and jaw, moving up to the lips, and I am consumed with a raging, pleasurable sexual desire. I wake up startled, like I'd somehow bailed out too soon, out of automatic response. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | (01/21/95)[I go back to sleep quickly and fall into the same dream,] only now, my mother is there asking me how come I didn't make love to him. He's so adorable, sweet and handsome, irresistible. I say somewhat stuffily, "That it was against my principles because he is a married man." | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a car with a mentally retarded man. He is driving. I feel wild and spontaneous and I dare him to drive across the Golden Gate bridge. He does and the more dangerous he gets in his nonawareness, the more I like it. I encourage it. We go across lanes, spin around doing 360's and so on. Later, I order him around telling him to go get the car. He finds it where he crashed it in a field, and sees a round, gashed-out dent in the rear fender area. He opens the door and sees a young preteen girl who is cute, with long bushy hair. She is the woman's younger self. She's not so wild, simply alert and open and fun-loving, a healthier version. I then see the puppy of the dog that goes with the woman, also innocent, frisky and cute. Now the teen woman decides to go steady with the mentally retarded man. The ritual is to get a special going steady kit which is used to clasp the 2-inch wide band of yellow plastic webbing around the wrist. After it is fastened, her mom comes out and is very concerned, not asking directly, for fear of riling up the teen woman, but still worried she's making a mistake. | female | 1960-1997 |
b | Barb Sanders | I am in a house like the M City house. I've decided to do a Shakespeare play and Ellie is going to direct it. We are going over the script. I say that already many excellent actors are letting me know they're interested in being in it. It's going to be a very good play (I had typed I'm going to be a very good play by accident). I see myself seated to Ellie's right watching a rehearsal and getting a great idea for a particular bit of business that will be humorous, a special B touch that leaves my signature on the play. I go over to Ellie giggling, and say, "I've had a dynamite idea." I sense the actors on stage are very curious to see if I, the Mom, will simply override Ellie and make her do my idea, or if indeed Ellie is the REAL director. I think, "I hope I can let go if she doesn't agree." I can't wait to do the play. It will be such fun. Some woman notices (back at the M City house) some of the students' papers from class have drawings on them. I chuckle and say, "Yes, here I was all excited about reading the script and I asked them to hand in their papers, because I wanted to get out of there in a hurry, and one then says, "Oh, I have to make a cover," and proceeds to draw a cover with crayons. I sigh, and then laugh, and then say, "I really want to honor that style." Then a young woman comes up and talks about how she doesn't understand Shakespeare, or she doesn't know how to write it, and I suggest she draw it. | female | 1960-1997 |