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TIFU thinking I was actually gonna do a good job during a threesome

First of all. Fuck. Yes. A threesome was never something I expected to experience, but somehow I became the prime candidate to sleep with two girls who could have chosen anyone else. Now, in case you think I look like Timothée Chalamet, I do not. I was friends with one of the girls and she told me on more than one occasion that she wanted to share her girlfriend with a guy. She said her girlfriend actually put the idea in her head and she never stopped thinking about how hot that might be. Our conversations regarding the threesome would always end the same way: she would ask me what I thought, I would encourage her to set boundaries, then she would ask me if I had any guys in mind, and then I would share names of single guys in my social circle that I knew were popular with girls. Cut to new year's eve. I was at a rooftop party when my friend approached me with her girlfriend. My friend said she ran out of signs and hints so now she was finally gonna spell it out for me. What she spelled out was the following: I was the guy and I've always been the guy she wanted to have a threesome with. She said she thought she was being as obvious as possible during all our threesome conversations, but she eventually realized I was oblivious as fuck. My friend's girlfriend confirmed what my friend was saying and added that the two of them were willing to skip the countdown to 2024 and jump into bed with me at that moment. I had so many questions and my friend agreed to answer all of them if I followed her and her girlfriend to the Uber that was apparently gonna take us to their apartment. I let the girls lead the way. On our way to the apartment, my friend explained the boundaries. She was sitting in the back of the Uber with her girlfriend while I was sitting next to the driver who looked as uncomfortable as I was feeling during that discussion. The fact that the driver was playing gospel music and low key turning up the volume when he thought none of us noticed, made the drive even more awkward, at least for me. For the record, I don't think I was drunk, but I had enough alcohol in my system to defuse some of my anxiety when we entered the apartment. At that point, the three of us kind of knew what to do and what not to do based on the boundaries we touched on in the car. Cue kissing, touching, undressing and *my inhaler.* My lungs attempted to cockblock me with an asthma attack. I used my inhaler and assured the girls that it was no big deal, which was true, and that we could continue, which we did. Cue bra straps unhooking, panties dropping, intense kissing, aggressive touching and *premature ejaculation.* I apologized to the girls and blamed my orgasm on overstimulation. I promised them that my erection would return when the time came, but until then, my plan was to please both of them without my penis. My friend's girlfriend said she was a pro at pleasing my friend with no penises in the picture before she actually showed me how much of a pro she was at oral. I knew I had to make sure I'm hard again soon, otherwise my presence kind of defeated the purpose, so I vigorously stroked my flaccid penis while going down on the girlfriend from behind while she was going down on my friend. I was unable to get hard again. The girls took turns playing with my penis, but nothing worked. It was embarrassing. I apologized. My friend said that she should be the one apologizing because of the way she pulled me into this threesome situation without leaving with me room to breathe and come prepared. In spite of my failure to get it up, the best part of the night for me was cuddling with two naked girls and falling asleep together. However, I managed to fuck that up too because when I woke up, both girls were sleeping in another room. When I eventually asked them mid breakfast what made them switch beds in the middle of the night, my girlfriend's friend gave me the un-sugarcoated version and said I freaked them out because I not only sleep with my eyes wide open, but apparently I also spell random words in my sleep. Let this be a warning to all you kinky people who enjoy group sex... I'm not the guy. You can do better. **TL:DR A threesome with two girls fell into my lap and I fucked it up because I suck at breathing, I suck at orgasms, I suck at getting it up, and to top it off, I also suck at sleeping.**

TIFU by making a typo in my resignation email

So I guess I made this mistake about 3 weeks ago but recognized it yesterday and today I’m reaping the effects. About a month and a half ago I got a new job because I was really unhappy with the job I was at. The OG job was on a temporary contract and I was only there for 2 1/2 months. It was really not a good fit. Almost every day (besides from maybe an hour or 2) I would sit at my desk reading or on my phone because there was quite literally nothing to do. The company is def in a transition period and I feel for them but I wasn’t enjoying it or getting paid enough. I found a better job. It was an opportunity more suited to my career goals, offered me more money, a better working environment, room to climb the ladder, etc. I took the job and gave the OG job a weeks notice because we were going on holiday break for 2 weeks and the new job wanted me to start in the new year. I apologized in my email for it being such short notice and offered to work one day a week if they wanted until they found someone to replace me. I had my mom and friend double check the email and sent it off. Now to yesterday. I was sitting at my new job getting settled in when I get a message from my OG boss asking how my break was. Something told me I needed to check the resignation letter I sent. Turns out I had written the wrong month instead of giving them a weeks notice, I gave them a months notice 🙃 talk about Karma. I had accidentally written January was my last month and not December. Needless to say I had a panic attack (lol). I messaged my OG boss back and explained the situation and apologized profusely. I FELT AND FEEL SO BAD. I know I already fucked them over with a weeks notice and now it’s negative days. My OG boss asked me to come in the office to wrap things up the next day which is what I am doing now. I did about 45 minutes of work and am now reading and typing this. I have nothing to do until the end of the day when my OG boss and I are meeting again to recap my progress of the day which is going to be reliant on hearing back from other people, so nothing. Per usual. My OG boss, needless to say is pissed and annoyed. I am extremely embarrassed and feel awful. Obviously it was a mistake and there is nothing that can be done but I will be extra double checking future resignations from this point on. Tl;dr I put the wrong date of resignation on my notice and I had to awkwardly explain to my old boss I’ve quit and can no longer work for them.

TIFU by thinking Saul Goodman was real

As stupid as this sounds, unfortunately, this did happen. I was 19 at the time, I am 21 now. Important context, I'm Mexican born and raised, was extremely sheltered (religious mom), and not allowed to have any social media, so I was very isolated from most popular entertainment franchises and such growing up, especially English speaking ones. I had very specific interests, which were not related to TV or movies most of the time, so I also never really bothered to broaden my horizons, with my occasional contact being a Youtuber or two. So yeah, my pop culture knowledge was, and still is very limited. This happened in a Discord DBZ roleplay server (all OCs, essentially our own AU) with some friends. They would post Saul Goodman memes, which was a character I didn't recognize, but from context clues, I realized he was a lawyer. Breaking Bad was never mentioned outright, and I never asked, so I just assumed "Oh, he must be like Chris Hansen but a lawyer! He's a real person but has a show!". I had been a Mista GG (Youtuber) fan since I was a teenager, and had watched his Predator Chronicles series, and thus, was familiar with that guy's work. And I just assumed that for about 4 or 6 months. I never bothered to check, I never really interacted with any Breaking Bad content, only knowing Mr White, Jesse, and Gus by sight, so yeah. I assumed he was like Chris Hansen. Just another reality show man. Then one day, they were talking about him, but did reference the show, and I was very confused. I asked "Wait, Saul Goodman isn't real?" and they started LOSING IT. I did check this time, and yeah, obviously, he was a fictional Breaking Bad character, but they find out so genuinely hilarious that they doubled down HARD, and started telling me his TV persona was a coverup cause he was in in danger due to being in a Witness Protection program or some shit like that. Eventually I just started cussing them out in Spanish cause I just didn't know what else to say (in good jest, I usually swear like a sailor; tho usually in the conversation's language). This went on for at least an hour, and I was so shocked by just how ridiculous this situation was; I wasn't mad or anything, but it was so much that I wanted to laugh but just couldn't. At one point, my brother entered the room, and asked what was happening, and I just went ".. Dude, Saul Goodman isn't real...." (in Spanish), and of course, as an avid Breaking Bad fan, he started losing it too. He laughed extremely fucking loudly, and told my dad too (another avid Breaking Bad fan), and he joined in the laughing chorus. I just sat there in my bed, stunned. My dad's never denied or disowned any of his kids, but as a joke, he said that if somebody asked if I was his kid, he would say no. All because of Saul Goodman. I ended up mentioning it to some other friends too, and they thought it was extremely funny. Honestly, it *is* a really funny story to think back on. I still wonder why I just assumed he was real, and I'm not sure? I am autistic, and tend to take things really face value sometimes, so maybe the way they worded the jokes made me just think he was **A** lawyer, and being very disconnected from most US media, that's how things just settled in my brain. I don't think it's really fair to blame autism for me believing Saul Goodman was real tho lmao. **TLDR; I grew up disconnected from English speaking media so badly, I saw some Discord friends do Saul Goodman jokes and assumed he was real and just a lawyer with a reality show for 4-6 months, until my friends and family found out and laughed at me.** *Note: OC means "Original Character" and AU "Alternate Universe', they are fandom terms. I also have still never watched Breaking Bad but maybe I should lol*

TIFU by sending a text with a typo to my boss

Sheesh. Id post this on AITA but I know I am so.... I reached out to my boss this week to let him know I was going to start taking down the Christmas lights I put up in Oct/Nov. We didn't have the best year due to the new COVID strain. My boss got sick and things just sort of fell off. Definitely left me seriously pressed in Dec so I wanted to start working immediately. So I hit him up and he informed me that it'll have to wait until next week because he just found out he has cancer. And in an attempt to maintain my need to work and be sensitive, I first sent a business text and afterwards one addressing the health issues. Attempting to reassure him that there is still hope I told him "Cancer is not the end" But I've had bouts of misspelled texts I'm guessing from my small buttons or 'fat fingered' swiping, either way.... What I sent him was "Cancer is the end" Now I feel terrible 🫤 TL;DR I told my boss he was gonna die from his new cancer diagnosis.

TIFU by revealing to a potential employer that I smoke weed

I have been apply for this new job and part of the hiring process involves providing a bunch of my medical information. They wanted to know more about a medical procedure I had done earlier this year so I game them the doctor notes from my pre and post operation appointments. It was not until after I had sent the notes that I was looking them over and I realized that in the social history section there is a line that says uses recreational drugs, uses marijuana. It's a small line and easy to miss and it's in a irrelevant part of the report, but its there. I work in an industry where smoking weed is a big no no. I have backed out of the job for "personal reasons" and I'm hoping that they will just discard any medical paperwork I have sent them. TL;DR I didn't check the medical paperwork I sent to a potential employer and might have revealed that I smoke weed in an industry that doing do will get me banned.

TIFU by forgetting to board my flight after checking in and went through TSA

Disclaimer: this happened two years ago. In 2022 I had a flight going from NY to CA. I went to the airport 2.5 hours before the flight and checked in my big luggage. I went through TSA and headed to the gate waiting for boarding (it was Delta airline). Some notes to justify my stupidity (it really doesn't): I am not an American, and in my home country, if someone checked in with the airline but hasn't boarded yet, the staff will announce the passenger's name through the speakers, even for domestic flights. This is not the norm in the US I know. However, I also know that for most airlines in the US, when boarding starts, people will still have to line up into long-ass lines and usually this is the cue for me to start prepping and get in line. The problem is, Delta doesn't work the same way (at least in JFK/NY). Once they announced that the boarding begins, anyone can come to board (after the priority group?). Because of this, while I was sitting with my back facing the gate (stupid mistake #1), I didn't see any line of people forming. I also missed the boarding announcement (stupid mistake #2). I kept glancing back but I still saw no one in line so I was assuming it just wasn't my turn yet (stupid mistake #3). In the mean time, I was also chatting with my friends online and generally just goofing around. 10 minutes until the flight took off, I realized something is wrong because no way in hell they haven't started boarding yet. I went and checked and all of the staff were gone and the door to the airplane was closed. I was super panicked and asked the janitor nearby and she said the plane will not admit any more passenger at this time. My heart dropped to the fucking floor because this was one of the dumbest shit I have ever done and I couldn't believe it. I went and asked Delta's help desk for help to see if I can get the next flight but there was none until the next day (it was 8pm and the next flight is 6am), and I still had to pay for it myself because not boarding was my mistake. In the end I had to get out of JFK, bought another ticket in LGA and wait in LGA until 6AM to get in another flight WHILE my checked luggage was having a trip to CA without me. TLDR: got a flight from NY to CA. Checked in my luggage, went through TSA and everything, but goofed around at the gate and forgot to board the plane on time. Plane took off without me. Had to pay for another ticket and slept in the airport waiting for the next flight, while my checked luggage was leaving me behind.

TIFU. I bought a new car and managed to hit the side mirror on the way out of my garage.

So. Me and my wife have been looking for a car to get around new years eve. Sort of a gift for ourselvs. Everything went great with the dealer and we got it 3 days after we bought it. My wife picked it up and drove it home and parked neatly in the garage. I was excited to see it after i got home so i went out to check it out and take it for a celebration spin. Instead when reversing out of the garage i didnt pay attention to the left mirror, when i suddenly heard a crack noise. Super stressed, went out checked if the mirror was in a usable state, im glad that it is. All the electric parts work but there is some plastic that fell off and the glass broke. Then was the call, i was ashamed to turn around home so i went to drive anyway after i deemed the mirror in a 80% ok state. Told my wife in detail what i did and i heard a small pause followed up by laugheter. A huge relief made me love her more. Car cost around 32.000 dollars. Calling in tomorrow to get it fixed. Thanks for reading. TL;DR. Basically the title. I sat in my new car and while reversing out of the garage i hit the side mirror.

TIFU by kissing my roomate

So I f(21) took way to many fireball shots on new years. I had my friend and brother from out of town staying over, and they finally got to meet my roommate! She and I had said would do a new years kiss, and by that point in the night I was drunker than I’d ever been in my life, I don’t remember how it happened but I was kissing the girl in the line behind me, then the next thing I remember is going over to my roomate (F23) and kissing her, and I guess I pulled her in to kiss again, because she sat me down this morning to talk about the “elephant in the room” me hitting on her hard during our new years kiss. She said I had tried to make out with her and she stopped it because I was super sloppy drunk. I didn’t know what to say because I was so embarrassed and barely remember the night at all. I feel like I should go back and apologize for how I acted and tell her how embarrassed I am about it. TLDR: I got really drunk and kissed my roomate on new years

TIFU by telling my wife that all of her hobbies are red flags according to a reddit post

Well, this one literally just happened. I was reading [this reddit post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/18y0irm/what_hobby_is_an_instant_red_flag/) that asked which hobbies are red flags. I saw that nearly all of my wife's hobbies were listed, often with large number of upvotes. I thought it was kind of funny because we've been married for many years and the hobbies have never been an issue. I showed my wife and laughed and said she's a walking red flag. I was laughing at the time and when I realized she wasn't laughing back I even showed some of my hobbies were listed also. Anyway, she didn't think it was funny at all. She got upset and told me she can't help that she likes those things. She left to go shopping and isn't answering her phone. So, now I'm left wondering about the whole red flag thing and not sure what to make of it. edit: Ok, enough comments asking for the hobbies. Guess I didn't think that through either. See [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18yhkjq/tifu_by_telling_my_wife_that_all_of_her_hobbies/kgaubqi/) for the hobbies. The big one was horses though. TL;DR: told my wife that apparently her hobbies are red flags and now she isn't talking to me

TIFU by making a HUGE cheesecake that turned out lowkey disgusting.

So I wanted to try this no bake matcha cheesecake recipe but it went wrong in so many ways. It was my first time making a cheesecake so I tried to closely follow the recipe, but didn't realize the cake tin I had was HUGE, like 29 cm in diameter(instead of 15). Also my local supermarket didn't have Philadelphia so I used mascarpone... I don't remember at which point I started panicking lol but I finished it anyway. Ended up being 16 slices. The flavor is kinda okay but it's somehow so dense, fatty and HEAVY I could barely finish a slice:( Now I'm feeling really bad, thinking wtf I should do with it. Family hasn't come home yet so still waiting on a second opinion but something tells me my parents are not gonna be happy.. TLDR messed up huge cake, wasted a lot of ingredients and feeling like at least a moderate sized failure.

TIFU when I opened the door

New year's eve. I (19m) was with my girlfriend (18) and her family. The evening was fuck up free for the most part. My girlfriend's little brother enjoyed teaching me how not to die every time the two of us teamed up to play video games. My girlfriend's dad appreciated the only person, aka me, who always laughed at his dad jokes. My girlfriend's mom enjoyed listening to me talking about my own mom. It looked like I was finally being promoted from the new boyfriend to part of the family. Throughout the evening I would catch my girlfriend looking at me like she approved of the progress I was making with her family. However, I managed to undo all of that progress in less than 3 hours into 2024. My girlfriend's family called it a night when the excitement of the new year died down. The deal I made with my girlfriend's dad was that I would sleep in the guest room. My girlfriend's room was off limits. What my girlfriend's dad didn't know was that his daughter made a deal with me too. She was gonna sneak into my room as soon as her family was asleep so that we could celebrate the new year under the sheets. As per the plan, my girlfriend waited until no one was awake before she snuck into the guest room to fool around with me. Someone was awake though. Someone with four legs. I had my fingers inside my girlfriend when we heard her dog sniffing and pawing at the guest room door from the outside. I asked my girlfriend if we should open the door and let the dog in, but she gave me clear instructions not to stop what I was doing because she was close to climaxing. I proceeded to finger the fuck out of my girlfriend while the dog was beginning to whimper behind the door. My girlfriend made me stop with the fingering when she connected the dots and realized the dog was trying to tell us that it was time for a bathroom break. I asked my girlfriend if they didn't have a little door flap thingy for the dog to come and go as it pleased. My girlfriend said her little brother used to sleepwalk from time to time and leave the house in the middle of the night through the doggy door flap. Since then, no door flaps. Even now I have no idea how to feel about that story. My girlfriend made it sound funny like it was no big deal but also scary like it fucked up the family. The tone was unclear. Anyway, my girlfriend asked if I was willing to take the dog to the backyard to pee or poop or whatever. I asked my girlfriend why me? I mean, we were in her house and that was her dog, so it made more sense for her to take the lead instead of me. My girlfriend said she wanted to stay naked and wet in my bed instead of being dressed and dry with her dog. Translation: she was too lazy to do it. As an insensitive, my girlfriend rubbed the tip of my penis against her vagina and her butthole before telling me to please hurry. It worked. My boxers had to go over my boner. When I opened the door, the dog ran into the room and leaped onto the bed where it spat out a fucking gecko that was alive enough to run for the hills aka my girlfriend's knees. My girlfriend screamed and jumped out of the bed. My girlfriend's parents practically teleported from their bedroom to the guest room literally seconds after the scream. We had a night light set to dim until my girlfriend's dad switched on the main light. I don't know what it was about that light, but it had the power to freeze people because everyone stopped moving. My boxers did nothing to hide how excited I was to sleep with my girlfriend, who was standing directly behind me at the time, trying to look less naked. I automatically apologized to my girlfriend's parents for seeing us like that. My girlfriend's dad wanted to know from me if I was the reason his daughter was screaming. I said it was the "little lizard." My girlfriend's dad looked confused and asked if that was some kind of euphemism. I never heard that word before so I asked my girlfriend's dad if "euphemism" is the name of a lizard species. At that moment my girlfriend lost her shit and yelled at her parents to shut the door so we could get dressed. My girlfriend's dad gave me an annoyed to be continued look before closing the door. As we were getting dressed, my girlfriend made me promise to stop being sarcastic with her dad, even though I was trying to make her understand that I was not being sarcastic on purpose, just stupid without realizing it. My girlfriend's parents were waiting for us in the living room. Her mom played good cop while her dad basically played the T-1000 in Terminator 2. My girlfriend's dad said he understood what it was like to be in lust at our age, but he expected us to respect the rules of the house, which included no fornication. He said that I disappointed him more than his daughter did because he expected me to be more disciplined since I was a guest in his house. My girlfriend's dad asked me if I knew what it was like to raise a daughter who's been sexually active since she was old enough to spell words like "euphemism." I said no. The dad encouraged me to keep it that way before pointing out that he didn't notice any condoms when we got caught. My girlfriend was about to respond, but her dad shushed her and said he wanted to hear what I had to say. I said condoms were not necessary because we were not planning to have sex-sex. The dad said I might find it hard to believe, but he's been in the same situation more than once with more than one guy who was sitting exactly where I was sitting at that moment. My girlfriend shook her head and said "here comes the slut shaming." My girlfriend's dad looked at me and said his daughter called it "slut shaming" while he called it keeping her safe from guys like her ex who recently became a father at the age of 20 after not having "sex-sex." The dad unexpectedly tapped me on my knee and asked me if this conversation was as uncomfortable for me as it was for him. I said it was difficult for me to tell how uncomfortable he was, but I was definitely the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life. My girlfriend's dad said hopefully that meant I was gonna avoid doing anything sexual with his daughter under his roof ever again. I returned to the guest room alone and somewhat traumatized. As a 19 year old guy, the dad managed to make me feel like I was 15. Don't think I'm going back to that house any time soon. Fuck that. TL:DR I spent new year's eve with my girlfriend at her family's house. My girlfriend and I waited until the family was asleep to have some sexy fun. I heard my girlfriend's dog outside the room and opened the door without realizing the hell I would unleash. The dog barged into the room and delivered a living gecko to my girlfriend who then screamed and prompted her parents to rush to the room and catch us with our pants down. My girlfriend's dad proceeded to spend the rest of the night making me regret trying to hook up with his daughter in his house.

TIFU by buying something on Facebook marketplace

I love to antique hunt, so when I saw I bunch of vintage tin cans on fb marketplace I got very excited and arranged with the nice lady to pick them up. I arrived at her house and she had the goods stuffed in a garbage bag. We made normal small talk about the items and she offered to open them so I could make sure everything was there. Now I truly didn’t think this 60 year olds lady was gonna stiff me on a bunch of old tins and we’d had a pretty good back and forth so far, so I told her it was no problem, and in a fit of what I thought was comedic genius said. “Don’t worry, if something’s wrong with them, I know where you live know anyway.” I thought she would get that I was still joking. Judging by the horror on her face, I think it’s clear to say she did NOT feel the same way. It probably didn’t help that instead of explaining myself I just grabbed my garbage bag of tins, smiled, and then left. I drove in silence on the way home and came to the conclusion this is probably why I don’t meet many new friends. TLDR I bought tins from an old lady on fb and made a poor joke about how I knew where she lived, implying I’d come back and get her if my vintage rusty tin cans weren’t up to standard. I thought it was a joke, she did not.

TIFU by finding my (soon to be) ex-wife's reddit account

TIFU, literally today, still dealing with the feels. Wife asked for a divorce about 3 months back, and the plan's to divorce after house is sold. Really rough for me emotionally, still is. She started posting expectations for her next man on facebook, insta, etc. and of course it felt like jabs at me. Couldn't take the emotional hurt so blocked her on everything but her phone number/email for divorce/house sale. never knew her reddit account. We typically frequented different sub reddits so never really was an issue. Well today while doom scrolling, was reading a post and it was uncannily familiar. Our ages/sexes, same time period, same events but her perspective. Username checked out with her usual stuff, straight up villianizing me. Asking why she still cares. Ripped all the scabs off the wounds and just, fuckin collapsed. I know she still cares for me, and is trying to hate me to cope with the break up(she's admitted several times). its why i blocked all her shit in the first place. tldr; when going through divorce shit, make sure to do due diligence when blocking.

TIFU by finding my (soon to be) ex-wife's reddit account

TIFU, literally today, still dealing with the feels. Wife asked for a divorce about 3 months back, and the plan's to divorce after house is sold. Really rough for me emotionally, still is. She started posting expectations for her next man on facebook, insta, etc. and of course it felt like jabs at me. Couldn't take the emotional hurt so blocked her on everything but her phone number/email for divorce/house sale. never knew her reddit account. We typically frequented different sub reddits so never really was an issue. Well today while doom scrolling, was reading a post and it was uncannily familiar. Our ages/sexes, same time period, same events but her perspective. Username checked out with her usual stuff, straight up villianizing me. Asking why she still cares. Ripped all the scabs off the wounds and just, fuckin collapsed. I know she still cares for me, and is trying to hate me to cope with the break up(she's admitted several times). its why i blocked all her shit in the first place. tldr; when going through divorce shit, make sure to do due diligence when blocking. Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and messages. Hell, thank you for the shit messages too. Helped me get my head back on my shoulders so i could get through today.

TIFU by trusting pork tacos at Disney World

Full disclosure: what you're about to read may be quite descriptive, so please turn away if you have a weak stomach. About a week ago, my fiance (22F) and I (23M) decided to go to Walt Disney World for two nights to enjoy some much needed time together. She had also never been before, so I thought it might be nice to give her a taste of that experience. Because it was her first time, I let her choose how she wanted the experience to go for the most part (e.g. what to ride, where to eat). On the second day she made the decision to eat at a quick service establishment known as Peco Bills for lunch. I've eaten there before, and to say that the food was suboptimal at times would be an understatement, but gosh darn she needed to get her experience HER WAY, so I buckled up for some cheap Mexican. She decided to get the fajita platter, while I went with the trio taco dish consisting of beef, chicken, and pork. The first two tasted fine, but I knew something was off with my pork. In my naivity, however, I decided to take a second gigantic bite (~1/2 gone in one go) to make sure of my suspicions, only to be greeted by an ever more repulsive taste. I asked my fiance to try it to make sure I wasn't crazy, but she was only willing to take the tiniest bite (and God bless her for it). Little did I know I signed my death warrent. I was fine for the rest of the day, but I woke up at 3 AM that night to a strange nauseous feeling. I was slightly worried, so I tried to masturbate to comfort myself. Unfortunately, this was only met with further nausea and, eventually, throwing up and shitting nonstop in my Disney World toilet. To add injury to insult, the toilet would not flush, so my fiance had to teach me how to use a water-filled bucket to manually flush it. You ever see a cocktail of piss, shit, and vomit swirl together all at once as your pour water over it? Enough to cause a food-poisioned man to throw up even further. This lasted for hours upon hours and even led to us delaying our return home and staying at a cheap hotel nearby for a night so I could further extinguish this hell meat from my intestines. I was starting to feel better, and by this point I was only vomiting on certain occasions, so I figured it would be OK to trust a fart I was dying to rip. What a fatal flaw. As I stood over that toilet, trying to throw up and excited for the fat one I was about to rip, I felt the bubble of diarrhea drip down from my anus to my hip with the texture of melted sand paper. My fiance looked at me in the eyes as I, like a sad puppy, had to tell her I nearly shit my pants. She simply laughed and said "throw them in the bath tub and I'll wash them if you want." (P.S. what a dynamite girl) I ended up throwing them out and, afterwards, actually felt tremendously better (with the exception of a 102.5 fever). Fuck Peco Bills, fuck pork, and fuck diarrhea. TL;DR Ate at a quick-service Mexican restaurant at Disney, then shit all over myself.

TIFU by getting a giant hickey on my forehead from a suction dildo

[https://imgur.com/a/n6YOAKS](https://imgur.com/a/n6YOAKS) Last night was a mate and I's night off last night so we decided to go fishing... check 3 of our go to spots and all were ruined due to recent storms so we headed home, packed some bottles of Alize and Vodka and headed to a third mates place for drinks and cards against humanity. Thought it would be funny to bring a dildo along for the laughs, stick it on the front of the car while driving there, house door/window etc. While playing CAH, one of us had the thought to stick it to ourselves... well I was the only one who could get it to stick and only to my forehead, laughs were had, pictures were taken and then the dick removed to find my two mates pissing themselves laughing from the VERY obvious hickey the suction part of the dildo gifted me. I have work tomorrow yaaaaaaaay me TL;DR was a bit drunk with mates, stuck a suction dildo to my forehead for the laughs, now have a big hickey from it on my forehead :) fuck sakes

TIFU update 6 years on - in 2017 IFU trying to eat ice cream and lost sensation in half of two of my fingers.

Something reminded me of this today so I thought I'd post an update! [I've lost the original post, but here is the imgur link.] (https://imgur.com/gallery/8sDi0). TLDR: I tried to use a knife to chop a chunk of ice cream in half and hit my median nerve, which caused a burning sensation on half of two of my fingers. This was a very stupid thing to do, I forgot that the ice cream container was plastic instead of cardboard. It was crazy painful and I felt like a right dumbarse! Good news! Six years later I am ambidextrous! It took about a year to stop hurting, then when it started coming back I found I had way more dexterity in my left hand. I can now write with my left hand a bit (not very well, but clear enough to be read), and for some reason I can also write with my feet. I'm an artist, so being able to get both my hands to do the same thing at the same time has actually been really useful. It also makes wrapping gifts a breeze!

TIFU by not reading the fine print on baked goods and getting fat(ter)

I have a love-hate relationship with baked goods like we all do. Love the taste, hate the excessive calories. A few weeks ago I thought I discovered a cheat code to it in the form of Paris Baguette vegan muffins. They were only 170 calories for a huge muffin! It was amazing! In the back of my head, I wondered how they could make a delicious muffin for such low calories, but I justified it by thinking the Vegan meant it lacked a lot of higher calorie ingredients. I was in heaven and would eat 2 a day, because I could afford it in my calorie count. But then I noticed I was getting heavier on the scale. No worries I thought, I was lifting more, so maybe it was just muscle...until my body fat started going up. Thinking I was eating too much, I ended up eating MORE muffins because they were so low calorie and filling. What was 2 became 3-4 a day because I could get full on 340 calories...but the fat kept creeping up. That was until one day when I was on vacation and noticed the fine print on the calorie placard. 170 calories...3 servings. I wasn't eating 170 calories a pop, I was eating 510 a pop. Those 4 muffins as a snack was a full day's worth of calories. Now I'm back to square one and feel dumb for thinking I had hacked life. tl;dr - thought I was eating 170 calorie muffins for a few weeks...turns out they were 510 calorie muffins and I got predictably fatter. ​ ​

TIFU By sleepwalking and destroying a random woman's room after she invited me to cuddle

Ill start the story off by saying. I no longer drink (you'll soon find out why), but even when i did this was my only experience sleepwalking I was hanging out drinking with a few friends after a punk show, we were pretty wasted, and it was getting late, but we wanted to keep drinking. We heard some other friends were partying at their house so we loaded up and headed over there. I had never been but knew 1 of the roommates We get there and keep drinking for a few hours. I ended up meeting the roomates and hit it off with one in particular. We spent the whole party talking, and by the end of the night (4:30 a.m.) she asked if i wanted to come up to her room to sleep. We made out a little and i went to bed walking on air that i randomly met someone awesome who liked me back! The next thing i know i can hear her saying "Ummm... hey, HEY! DUDE!???? What the fuck are you doing??!??" I open my eyes and i am standing in front of her window with the blinds drawn. Then it hits me that i am urinating as high as humanly possible ALL OVER the window/blinds. Full coverage... I stopped of course, and apologized profusely. Then She said. "The bathroom is down the hall" and I (like a fucking idiot) said "i dont think I need it anymore...." instead of just pretending to go... i cleaned up most of it, but it was all over the blinds. She told me to come back to bed and clean it in the morning. Next thing i remember we woke up and to my horror it wasnt all a bad dream.... so i get up. Embarassed and ashamed. I clean off the blinds, but it was all over the window sill. So i pull the blinds up. When i did it knocked over a 6 foot tall mirror that had been leaning against the wall near the window. The mirror SHATTERED on her hardwood floor sending glass all over the room. So i start cleaning the glass up and CUT MY HAND...... Ill never forget the look she gave me when she said "I got it dude! ... just go home before something else happens!"...... I left her sitting there in a room full of piss and broken glass.... TL,DR A woman invited me to bed, i woke up after sleepwalking and discovered i had urinated all over her window. When I tried to clean it up I accidentally broke a giant mirror on her floor.

TIFU the first day back to school.

I have a High School Senior that I have to drive to school. It takes about 20 minutes to get him there but the drive is a straight shot. He spent the break staying up ridiculous hours and destroying his sleep pattern as teenagers are prone to do. Last night I reminded him to go to bed at a decent time because school was starting. This morning I realized he was not up when he should have been, so I called and woke him up. He sounded so tired and out of it. But he got up showered and we left for school. He spends the ride in the back seat nodding off and yawning while leaving product all over my window. I dropped him outside of the school and started driving back home. Because of the way his school is set up, I may or may not see other parents or kids when I drop him off. But everything was normal. Same shit, different year. I get about eight miles down the road and realize he is calling me. The sound was down on my phone so it took a minute and by the time I answered, it had disconnected. So I call him back. I figure his glasses are in the car or something. He said I needed to come back. I ask why? Ready to lecture him on responsibility. Turns out. . . School starts tomorrow. And he had called me three times. He was standing out there about 20 minutes before I got back. ​ TL;DR Woke up and exhausted high school senior, took them to school, left them there and drove off. School starts tomorrow.

TIFU by going into the movie theater bathroom alone with a pervert

I, straight 30m, just saw Poor Things (incredible movie, highly recommend) by myself and in the middle of it I had to go to the bathroom. I was alone at the urinal when I realized I had to take a shit. And at that moment another guy walked in and started pissing too. Older guy, kinda fat, glasses, balding. I reconsidered taking a shit because of the awkwardness with my new companion in the bathroom but knew I'd regret it once I returned to my seat. So I stopped pissing and went into the handicap stall behind me to do the business. I immediately realized it was a good call because it was going to be explosive. We all know the feeling. And out of respect for him and his nostrils I decided to wait until he left to unleash. I could kinda see him through the crack of the stall as he was right in front of me, but he wasn't leaving. He actually turned 90 degrees so he was perpendicular to the urinal and me. Wtf? And for what felt like eternity he appeared he was adjusting his pants or something. That thought creeps in like "Is he doing what I think he's doing? There's no way, he can't, that doesn't happen in real life Oh he's just adjusting his belt, right?" Then I saw what I feared most would occurr and he whipped out his fuckin dick and started stroking this limp thing! I was in shock. Luckily I had a counterattack of my own. I immediately unleashed my explosive shit and thank god it sent him fumbling and scurrying away. Honestly Poor Things was so good I immediately returned to my seat to finish the movie and didnt fully realize what occurred until after the film. I have no problem with homosexuality but that was uncalled for and I've been uncomfortable since. Wild experience at the theaters. Idk if that's a gay pick up spot or what but be careful in movie theater bathrooms. TL;DR I moved from the urinal to the stall to take an unforeseen shit and the only other guy in the bathroom took that as some sort of sign and began jerking off in front of my stall. Until I scared him away with my explosive shit

TIFU when locked myself in the back of my van.

I have a van, the kind with a sliding door on one side and dual opening doors in the back. It also has a solid wall separating the drivers compartment from cargo space. To get stuff from car into garage I back the car in between two support beams for the balcony above the garage. Today I parked a bit too close on the right hand side but thought nothing of it since I was using the two rear doors to unload stuff. I unload the car, but to get to the innermost items I had to crawl inside. It’s been very windy lately and a strong gust pushed the one open rear door closed. No biggie, I’ll just use the side sliding door. But when I tried it slid about ten centimeters and stopped against the aforementioned support beam for the balcony. Clearly I had parked way too close. Very well I thought, I’ll just use the inside handle of the rear doors. Which I promptly discovered my car does not have. This was during daytime when people were at work so no one at home in my building. My phone lay on the table in the living room. It is winter here, and minus 10°C. I sat in the cargo space of the car for over one hour before I caught the attention of a carpenter working on the neighbors house. He opened the rear door from the outside and freed me to the outside world with a laugh. TL;DR locked myself in the back of my car in freezing temperatures.

TIFU by lighting the fuel of 11 model rocket engines directly in my face

This happened like 2 months ago, but I just remembered it. Basically, I was bored, and I decided to take the solid fuel out of 11 model rocket engines and combine it into one rocket. I just turned all of it into dust and then went upstairs to find a funnel so I could pour it all into a new container. I asked my dad where I could find one, and he asked why, so I explained my plan. He said no. My aunt is a tenured PhD in chemistry, and he called her. Over what was basically a combination of powdered sugar and potassium nitrate. Anyways, she recommends just lining it up on concrete and burning it off, as other methods have more risks or something, I wasn't really listening. So we go outside, I grab a blowtorch, we card it up in a line, and this is where I made a crucial mistake. I forgot how quickly that stuff ignites. So the moment the smallest bit of flame touched it, I hear a loud FWOOSH and can only see orange and smoke. It clears off, and we're just laughing about it. I didn't get hurt or anything, I'm just dumb. Some of my hair was was burned off/singed and small pieces of rock or something were melted into my glasses lenses. tl;Dr lit up rocket fuel in my face because I'm stupid

TIFU by drunk texting

Obligatory happened last night, i was texting this girl for some weeks now and we really hit it off, we talk for hours, flirt, talk about life and so on. She even called me my love a few times, i didn’t call her back because i wanted to take things slow. Well, last night i drank a bit too much and got a bit emotional, so i sent a bunch of messages to her telling that i’m in love with her, she replied some time later that she got a bit nervous and didn’t expected that, and can’t love someone that fast (me too, but drunk me not). She said it was a bit fast and scary. Today i sent a bunch of texts saying sorry, that i got very drunk (she knew i was drinking too) and didn’t want to cause any discomfort or anything, she didn’t reply, doesn’t seem like she blocked me or anything, maybe she needs to think about what i said, even though i’d never say that this early without being drunk. Fuck alcohol i guess Tldr: got drunk, said i loved i girl and now she’s gone

TIFU by almost killing myself last night with smoke inhalation.

Hello all. Here's a reveal of just how much of a fucking dumbass I am. For your enjoyment and to let those out there who are doing the same thing know to stop; even if "Nothing combustible is nearby!". So I LOVE scented candles. Recently I've had this habit of leaving them burn overnight in my bedroom so the scent fills my house (Door open usually) and cause I love the gentle orange glow. Out of the few times I've done this, nothing ever went wrong which emboldened me to keep up this sutpid behaviour. However, recently I acquired a Midnight Coconut candle from Yankee Candles and decided to let that burn overnight. The Jar was slightly broken and I did not cut the wick. I usually don't cut the wick cause they're short enough for an appropriately tiny flame but this time, the flame was about an inch long. I decided to drip some extra wax I had around to try and overfill it to shorten the flame but this obviously didn't work in hindsight. I couldn't smell any scent but when I went upstairs I could smell it all upstairs rather than in my room where I wanted it to be. So last night, when I was preparing my sleep ritual, I closed the door to make sure all the scent stays in my room. (Yes, THAT dumb) When I went to sleep, the flame had grown a little but I was too tired to care. When I woke up this morning, something smelled awful and I was having trouble getting my brain started so I decided to turn on the lights to help me up. That's when I noticed the room was full of smoke. I looked at the candle and the flame was about the size of my index finger and the entire jar was charred black. I sprung out of bed and put it out, opened the door and opened the windows. I was mortified at the trail of stupid decisions, one after another, that I made the night prior. When I hopped into the shower, I coughed up phlem and spat it out into the sink (Couldn't reach the toilet) and the Phlegm had thick sooty spots in it. There's a slight pain in my chest as well. ​ ​ TL;DR: Made a series of stupid decisions last night and almost ended up killing myself in my sleep via Smoke inhalation.

TIFU by not remembering which way an asshole points

Throwaway account. I've been having horrific diarrhea for several days. Several times of almost shitting myself. Having to get up in the middle of the night to drop a watery load. Very sad, sensitive butthole. Basically I'm pretty sure I have walking cholera. Anyway today I'm in the shower and I feel the need to go again. The idea of getting out of the shower just to do another mucus shit, and then getting back into the shower to re-clean sounded just dumb and bad and a waste of energy. So I get really smart. I'm like, why not just shit in the shower. It's all liquid shit anyway. So I make sure none of the shower mat is in the way of the drain, I try to position myself with ass over the drain (so, pretty close to the wall), and I squat down so my thighs are almost parallel with the ground. Not a full squat. Here inlies the problem. In my head I'm like 'yea from this position the poop will just go straight down, perfect.' No. Because I don't know basic anatomy or the fluid dynamic force of diarrhea shits. So I push the liquid poop out. What happened was it went 100% horizontally, and then because I was so close to the wall the jet stream had nowhere to go but to all sides. I sprayed the wall, the bath tub fixtures, the inner and outer shower curtains, the top and sides of the tub wall, and the kid's bath toys. It was everywhere except directly in the drain. So now I get to spend the day sanitizing the tub, the toys, the shower curtains, and probably the outside of the tub because I can almost guarantee some snuck out and ran down the sides. Because I don't know how buttholes work. TLDR: had to take a shit in the shower, thought I was clever, accidentally pooped all over everything.

TIFU by enjoying myself too much on vacation

I kinda messed up here. Lowkey immensely stressing over it. I’m on vacation, visiting family for the holidays, and as such I was spending money while doing so. Keeping in mind that I had rent, of course, so I made sure I had enough in my account to pay rent. I’m flying back home tomorrow, and just realized. I don’t have enough to pay for my parking. I have a parking bill of probably about $120 waiting for me, and I don’t have enough on my account, and no credit card because the extent of my financial education was “don’t get a credit card or go into debt or else you will instantly die”. (Thanks Dave Ramsey.) I’m going to see if I can borrow the money from a friend or family, but god, I’m so embarrassed, and I don’t know what my options are if I can’t. I feel like a total moron. tl;dr: I mismanaged my money while on vacation and will need to borrow some so I can get my car out of airport parking. Very stressed and embarrassed.

TIFU by not inviting a friend to my wedding

TIFU- I’m (36f) having a small Cancun destination wedding this summer and got a text today from a once very close friend letting me know she found out about my wedding from another friend and asking if I was ever going to tell her she wasn’t invited. I debated extensively about inviting her or not but ultimately decided not to because of her trouble with alcoholism for the past 15+ years. She’s caused quite a lot of chaos in her life and of those around her due to her drinking and I have never been direct with my opinions to her that she needs to get some help. We hadn’t been in touch very much as of the past 6 months or so so I figured it wasn’t a big deal to not tell her and assumed she wouldn’t care too much. Boy was I wrong and now I feel like a major jerk. TL/DR: I didn’t invite a friend I have known for decades to my wedding and she found out about it from someone else before I talked to her about it.

TIFU Happy New Year... here's 240v through your hand

I woke up today (New Years Day) and remembered I needed to improve the back plate for the Hive thermostat receiver, as it was kind of pinching the cable connected to the boiler. I carefully cut a piece of plywood, then cut away the gap for the cable to fit in. It was all going well, until I unscrewed the plate from the wall. I then grabbed the plastic plate to move it away from the wall and give space to allow me to slip the new plywood backing plate in between. I instantly lost my hearing and sight, and felt a painful kick in my hand and arm. I had absolutely no idea what had happened, cursed a shook for a second, until my hand spasmodically realised the grip from the plate. As my sight and hearing returned, I realised I hadn't switched the power off and had just carelessly grabbed the plate by the 240v power connectors at the top. I feel very, very lucky that my thumb lost grip of the plate, enabling me to let go of the electrocuting plate. I feel extremely lucky that I avoided a very, very short 2024. TL;DR making changes to the boiler thermostat and forgot it has 240v supplying it. Can anyone else smell burning?

TIFU by eating an edible from a friend

First, the traditional “this was years ago but I’m telling it today”. Years ago a friend gave me a pot cookie. He had made THC butter and used that in the recipe. I took the cookie home and one night broke a piece off, ate it, then settled in front of my computer. The cookie tasted great, so, like a newbie idiot, after a while, I broke another piece off and ate some more. Perhaps about 40 minutes later, I realized I was staring at my computer screen and hadn’t typed a new sentence into an email I was writing probably in about 20 minutes, only staring at the screen with my thoughts wandering away. I got up and moved to the couch, flicking the TV on. At some point I was so high I was feeling nauseous. I went to the bathroom to go pee, and as I was using the washroom, I suddenly had to vomit. I didn’t want my wife to know that I was stoned so like an idiot, I decided to puke in the bathroom sink so that it would be quieter than splashing it into the toilet - the thoughts of a stoned person. Unfortunately, that clogged the sink so here I was scooping warm vomit from the sink into the toilet with my bare hands, as quietly as I could so as to not raise suspicion with my wife. So I cleaned up the bathroom and went back to the couch. At some point, I felt nauseous again. Fortunately, my wife was in the basement of our apartment building getting some laundry. So there happened to be an empty Doritos bag from my snacking earlier by the couch. I grabbed the bag and very loudly and violently purged into that. As soon as I finished purging, I heard her come back into the apartment. She was upset with me about something, at this point I don’t remember what, but she came into the living room to give me a piece of her mind. I was sheepishly hiding this Dorito bag with puke in it between my legs so that she couldn’t see what I was holding. Of course, I’m stoned off my rocker and sick as a dog, and as I’m trying to listen to what she’s saying, my mind just kept wandering off into its own pot filled state of existence. At some point, she stopped yelling at me, realizing I was phased right out, but not recognizing that I was stoned. She yelled at me “you don’t even care what I’m saying! You’re not even listening to me!”. Meanwhile, I was simply trying to hide the fact that I was stoned off my ass from my extremely conservative wife. When she finish yelling at me, I very discreetly got up and put the Dorito bag deep in the trashcan. I was so stoned at that point, I think I spent the next two hours manually breathing, reminding myself if I stop breathing, I’ll die. Obviously, I didn’t need to worry about my breath stopping, it was just a state that I was in that made me think that way. That was a hard night. I never touched that cookie again. TL;DR Ate a pot cookie from a friend, had to hide the fact I was stoned from my wife, ended up scooping puke from the bathroom sink.

TIFU by potentially driving more business to a shop owner who posted hate speech online

So I came across this page on Instagram that welcomes hateful comments toward Armenians under their posts. I was frightened to see how many business owners there were openly leaving hate comments and their profiles were literally public and you could see their face and info leading you to their businesses. One such comment that stated “Still living at home with 27 relatives, 13 Benz’s and BMWs and a government-issued Medi-cal as health insurance” came from a business owner whose business is situated close to where I live and I visit that area a lot. I went on the Nextdoor app just to warn any fellow Armenians of the comment she posted and just a heads up, then I’d let them decided whether or not they want to support the business. I personally would definitely like to know, so thought others might appreciate the heads up. Before I made my post, the business’s profile on the Nextdoor app had no favorites. The minute I made my post however, they started racking up favorites like crazy. 🙃 so there’s that. Fml TL;DR I drove more likes/support to an online profile of a business by trying to warn others of a hate comment posted by the owner pertaining to Armenians.

TIFU by not asking someone why they were sad when they mentioned they’re grieving

It’s been about a week since I saw this person and he mentioned he was grieving. I wanted to ask why and changed the topic instead. I really wish I asked him then, but I think it’s too late to ask him about it now. We aren’t very close but I enjoy talking to him when I see him which is very rare, so I feel like it would be too random to ask him about it now. I just feel like I need to always remember no matter who I talk to whether I like them or not, it’s important to pay attention to when they give you an opening to be vulnerable with you and let them. I just hope he’s doing okay and I wish I could have been that ear to listen to him. It’s really not a big mess up in the grand scheme of everything, but it’s something small I frequently miss that can make a big impact on someone’s life just by genuinely caring and wanting to listen when people are sad. Tl;dr I didn’t ask someone why they were sad when they brought it up. I hop he is doing okay and have people they can talk to about it Update: thanks for all the advice guys! I did what you all said and reached out to that person again. Turns out it wasn’t a big deal, but they appreciated the thought

TIFU: I ate 1000mg of edibles

So I fucked up this New Years and ate 1000mg of edibles. Which turns out is quite a lot and had suck a massive panic attack. I remember sitting there laying in bed and then suddenly my heart started to beat way too fucking fast. And then for some reason it felt like there was a heartbeat in my heartbeat. So I called my dad and he took me too the hospital. There I couldn't even tell what was real or not. I would close my eyes and imagine things thinking there were real. Then when I would open my eyes reality didn't feel real. And for some reason i felt like the world was moving in slow motion. I barely remember when the nurses put some iv in me. The rest of the night from there on was a weird blur that I could not remember TLDR: Took too much and got hospitalized for panic attack Edit: more than 24 hours later I am still extremely high Edit 2: Looking back, it was a terrible idea to go to the hospital but it makes the story funnier so

TIFU by sending my cousin a Christmas card

I mostly just send cards to the older generation relatives, as it's not really my thing, and I'm not close geographically or socially to my extended family. But I have this one cousin who's always sent one to me, so you know, you kinda gotta send one back. She's always addressed it as from the "X" family, which is her husband's family name. Even has custom X Family address stamps for the envelope. So that's how I addressed them to her, even though I've never even met her husband or kids. Literally only met her once or twice, and that was as kids. Anyhow, this year I sent it off as usual and was pleased at my unorganized self for actually doing it in time for the holidays. Two days after Christmas, I receive the one from her. And it's addressed from Cousin Maiden Name. And signed inside "Love, Cousin, Cousin's Son, Cousin's Daughter" Oops. Thank God at least he's probably not dead, just an ex, as people don't typically change their names when they are widowed. Sorry, Cousin G. TL;DR: Rubbed salt in the wound of my cousin's apparent divorce by addressing a Christmas card to "The Married-Name Family"

TIFU by making a move on my friends mom

A buddy was having a small New Year's party at his house. We have been chilling for a few hours drinking, smoking, listening to music, then all of a sudden my buddy's mom comes in the room to chill with us. My friend, his wife, and his bro left to go make some bbq, so now it's just me and his mom in the room. Her and I were talking and listening to the music. His mom is probably in her late 60s - early 70s, not really good looking, smokes like a chimney, and is married. I don't know what the hell came over me last night. Something about her caught my attention. So I sat next to her and put my arm around her. She did not like that as all and I quickly removed my arm from her. My buddy found out and so did everyone else. They wanted me to leave the party, which I don't blame them. This was a very stupid thing to do and I am completely embarrassed by this. Also now things probably won't be the same between my buddy and I. TL;DR Made a move on friends mom and completely regretting it.

TIFU By Kissing My Best Friend's Ex

This is going to be a bit of a rant, but I just really needed to write it all down. I (18M) have a friend that we'll call John (18M). John is one of my best mates, and about a year and a half ago, John began dating this girl we'll call Sarah (18F). They dated for about a year and were in love, but then a few things happened and they fell apart, and Sarah broke it off. This was 5 months ago. Over those 5 months, Sarah moved on quite quickly and soon became a major part of our friend group. John, however, did not move on as fast. He has recently gotten back out onto the dating scene, but still has a tendency to get emotional about Sarah while drunk. He's been getting a little more emotional lately because someone accused Sarah of repeatedly flirting with me. Both of us denied this, and I genuinely thought that it was a lie. I thought would never have feelings for Sarah... or at least I did until last night. All my friends and I decided to throw a new years party, and of course being teenagers there was quite a lot of drinking. As the night went on and we got drunker, Sarah and I got to talking. At some point, we went out into the other room to get away from all the noise and have some quiet conversations. We soon started leaning in slowly, and we both muttered something about how we really shouldn't. She then said 'We can always blame the booze, right?' and we kissed. A lot. Our friend's came into the room and caught us, and someone told John, who lost it and completely shut down. I tried to talk to him but he got very confrontation, screaming about how I broke his trust and I'm not his friend (which do agree that I broke his trust), and our friend's figured it wasn't safe for me to be there. The night went on with a lot of awkward tension in the air, and this morning I went home. I have been talking to a lot of our friends, and all of them have said that I really shouldn't have done that but they 'all figured it would happen sooner or later'. The worst part is that I'm now worried I might actually have feelings for Sarah. TL;DR: I kissed my best friend's ex, ruining new years for everyone and destroying our friendship.

TIFU by forgetting about my dad

So I was at a new year's party with some friends and I was of course waiting for midnight to celebrate 2024. When the countdown stopped everybody hugged danced etc...then we all sent our new year's greetings to our family and friends that's when I fucked up bad. I have sent the message only to my mom because she is the one that always texts me not father (he is present in other ways he does not want to bother) so when I sent the greetings I only sent it to her. In the morning when I talked to my mom she said that my father was really angry and that I should have contacted him , so I did texted him something along the lines "I'm sorry I forgot you know I am a very distracted person etc..." but he was not having it he was fuming he said that he in 45 years has never forgot about his parents that he is disappointed in me and that I should stop writing to him. What can I do to fix this? Did I do something really bad? PS: sorry for bad english TL;DR today I fucked up by not sending my dad the new year's greetings

TIFU by cooking a roast dinner.

Tifu by eating a roast dinner. I want to preface this by saying this happened a few of days ago but didn’t come to conclusion until a couple of days ago and I’ve been busy with the holidays so It was delayed. On the 22nd of December I really wanted to have a roast beef dinner with potatoes and carrots so I took a roast out of the freezer even though it looked a bit iffy. I was the only one in my family who ate the roast because of this. I wake up in around 3:30 am on the 23rd with the WORST poop pains in my entire life. Like it was like water coming out of me. For hours every 15-20 minutes I’d have to get up and use the toilet and therefore use a lot of toilet paper. I take a nap seemingly to have cleared out everything in my body and put on a brave face to pick up last minute essentials for the holidays with my grandma. I had to use the bathroom the moment I returned home. When I flushed the water went up. I thought I plugged the toilet, and tried to use the plunger to no avail. My mother came out of the kitchen to see why I was freaking out and got upset but it didn’t matter. The damage was done. We freaked out because we were having family over the 26th Boxing Day. My mother blamed me for clogging it after all the times I had to use the bathroom that morning and how much toilet paper was missing assuming that or I had flushed a female hygiene product down the toilet (which I didn’t do but was the cause of plumbing issues when I was 13 nearly 10 years ago) however, she would not believe my pleas. The toilet was clogged for days. Nothing worked. My father tried every type of toilet snake nothing unplugged it. My parents were furious as the guests would then have to use the bathroom downstairs which is usable but in the middle of renovations. Christmas Day everyone was salty. My parents were stressed out. Around 10 am on Boxing Day my dad decided to try and call a friend of his who is a plumber. He wasn’t busy that day as his ex wife had his kids at that point until the new year. He agreed to try and help us. His friend came over about noon 4 hours before family would arrive. At first nothing he had would work and he explained the clog was so terrible nothing would unplug it and he’d have to remove the entire toilet to try and unclog it from the bottom up. So my dad and his friend remove the toilet. It takes them nearly an hour before they are able to get a piece of, well something out. They cannot tell what it is. They continue before it comes out the way it went in, out pops not a wad of toilet paper, but about 90% of a potato. Yes, a potato. There on the bathroom floor sat an unpeeled raw potato. The cause of all the stress and worry. A potato had seemingly made its way to our toliet and clogged it. How? Remember the roast beef dinner we had nights before? It appears the extra potatoes I didn’t peel nor cook ended up a little bit too close to the edge of the counter. I must have knocked a potato into the mop bucket as I had had mopped the floors after cooking and did not notice. However, my mother decided to mop the floor the morning/afternoon on the 23rd while I was out with my grandmother, she could have knocked it (the potato) into the mop bucket and somehow missed it falling into the bucket. Proceeded to dispose of the soiled water into the toilet again missing the culprit of the clog. Or perhaps it was our cat or dogs that managed to get a potato into the bucket we will never know. But irregardless it was my fault for leaving the half a dozen or so of potatoes near the edge of the counter. My parents apologized for blaming me and we managed to get the toilet reinstalled about half an hour before guests came over. My dads friend took a couple of beers for payment so that was at least a win. The potato that nearly ruined Christmas that I caused. TL;DR: potato I didn’t cook fell into mop bucket going unnoticed, clogged the toilet, parents blamed me for doing it because I use a lot of toilet paper when I have the runs. Christmas was saved but a potato nearly ruined it.

TIFU by sending a math challenge through text

so this just happened like 10 minutes ago. about a year ago, someone in a discord server I'm in sent a math challenge that changed per person, so if I got (24/2) + 3, someone else got (27/9) + 4 for example. However that's not the point of this post, but merely to set the scene for what's about to happen. so today, I (21m) decided that I was going to cause chaos in a group chat I'm in with my friends (20s m/f). almost all of us are math majors so I figured I'd cause chaos by sending it to the group chat, waiting for people to solve it, and then start flaming each other before I eventually told them what the link was. However, this was not to be. In the year or so since the original challenge, the link must've expired and been replaced with a discord related sex challenge, so when I sent this supposed innocent math challenge to the group chat, the words "Discord sex challenge" appeared instead. The fallout is still going in the chat over this. and yes, the lesson is learned: check thy links before posting them to a group chat. ​ TL;DR: Sent what I thought was a math challenge to a group chat filled with math majors to cause chaos. Instead, I sent a discord sex challenge and a different kind of chaos is ensuing.

TIFU by Letting My Family Think I Got Married in Secret.

So this didn’t happen today, but on Christmas morning. As a bit of background, my boyfriend and I have been together since 2017, I have a son from a previous relationship and I have 2 children with my boyfriend. Anyways, because there is 5 of us, I signed gifts from us with my boyfriend’s last name. Like if his last name was Smith, I signed our gifts as being From The Smiths. Our 2 kids have his last name, so it seemed like a good way to shorten things instead of trying to fit 5 names on small tag and since 3/5 of us have that last name. Anyways, my dad noticed this and jokingly asked when we got married. My dad is a bit traditional and it’s bothered him I have 3 kids out of wedlock. I joked that we had gotten married a few months ago in secret to save money and my boyfriend went along with it jokingly. My boyfriend and I thought we were being clear that we were joking, but Christmas morning was such a chaotic time, that I don’t know if we were clear enough because now when my dad refers to my boyfriend he calls him my husband. How do I break the news to my dad I’m not actually married? TL;DR: signed the tags on my Christmas gifts with my boyfriend’s last name and joked about getting eloped, now my family may or may not think I’m actually married to my boyfriend.

TIFU by peeing in a bottle

A little backstory I lived with my parents and they sometimes complain about me waking them up to go to the bathroom. Last night I felt tired and cold so I decided to use a water bottle as a bathroom, it was a little messy but better than using having to go the bathroom. This morning my boyfriend picked me up early to go out for new years.' I ended up taking the piss water bottle into corner, my boyfriend drops me off I go to my room and my mom walks in. She asks why its cold and was about to check the window when she steps on my water bottle. It projects piss all over her face, mouth, clothes, feet, and not only that but my books, treadmill, floor and curtains. My mom thinks its water starts complaing about why I have water bottle in the corner, I correct her telling her it is not water. She then asks me how I peed in a water bottle, why would I pee in a bottle. I tell her that I am tired of always getting scolded for waking them up, she says that she would rather me go to the toilet. TL;DR, Today I fucked up by peeing in a water bottle and my mom got sprayed by piss. All things were covered in piss.

TIFU: by freaking out in a taxi not ever knowing the truth behind my scare

Valencia, Spain. Not today. Not native English, excuse for grammar and spelling mistakes. This was a year ago in Valencia. I was on holiday with my 8yo daughter. We were I a taxi late at night back to our hotel when I saw two big spiders sitting above the driver. They were not moving the whole 10 minute drive and seemingly completely alike, and suspiciously strategically placed. But still my mind was like WTF that proves nothing!!! I’m really scared of spiders and these were big bastards. I was too afraid to ask or have a closer look. And I was afraid if l'd mention the ‘Araña’, he would throw them at us! Either because they wére real and scared the shit out of him too, making him to slap the bastards our way. Or because this was some kind of cabby humor, waiting for the silly tourists to notice and throw in an extra scare for laughs. Figuring whatever, it would be dangerous to mention while driving, because I seriously think I would have jumped through the whole car like a kangaroo. Throwing everything loose I could find over my daughter to protect her. So I said nothing, I didn’t speak Spanish and he didn’t speak English. But I took a picture so I could find out later. That’s when I fucked up because now my daughter noticed and I’m scaring the shit out of her too, by pointing them out. She clung on me like a Koala on steroids and we ran out of that taxi like forest Gump as soon as he slowed down near our hotel. She didn’t sleep that night and made me check the room multiple times. Next day we showed the pictures to another cabby. He zoomed in, shrugged and said couldn’t tell what is was. But he thought it was really funny so he asked via radio if anyone had an invasion of HUGE SPIDERS their taxi. Nobody knew, some got genuinely spooked like: wtf do you mean! HOW BIG? Cabby screemed: BIG! BIG! Los turistas have fotos, son enormes! Genuine commotion. Yeah, that didn’t help my daughters new unlocked fear either. All cabby’s on shift that moment shouting frantically through the radio, looking out for HUGE spiders. Or so we thought…. Because looking at them now, they look fake. But if so, why tf where they up there? I’ve showed the pictures to friends and family and opinions are still evenly devided: 1. Cabby prank, they were all in it, you’re an idiot 2. They were real, coincidence they are each at a corner like that, cabby didn’t know or didn’t care 3. These are some kind of holders, you paranoid tourist! Either way, my daughter made me look for spiders the rest of the holiday EVERYWHERE. I crawled on my knees every night and morning looking for spiders, turning shoes, socks and bags inside out regretting every minute that I pointed out possibly fake spiders! We now laugh about it and it remains a good story to tell with the photo evidence to show. A year later my arachnophobia is unchanged but (probably because of that) my daughter turned out to be a loving spider-savior, picking up spiders without fear, bringing them to savety so I won’t break walls killing innocent creatures. I guess I will never know if they were fake and why they were there. But at least one of us changed for the better. Photo’s of the spiders in comments. Posted the photos in r/whatisthisbug hoping on expert opinion. TLDR: Big spiders in taxi, too afraid to ask if they were real and for safety reasons, but didn’t have the clarity NOT to tell my daughter. Asked another cabby next day, he radioed his buddy’s yelling: tourists spotted HUGE SPIDERS in taxi. Everybody panicked, adding to her fear. Fucked up my daughters holiday, and mine, because she made me look for spiders the rest of the week ten times a day EVERYWHERE.

TIFU by touching my eye after handling home made Puerto Rican hot sauce....

TIFU, as in just this night. I went to a friend's house for a game night, and his wife is Puerto Rican. Apparently, there is a hot sauce they make called Pique. It's lightly fermented unblended hot suace. I had never had, or for that matter, even heard about it before. So I try some on my food and it's delicious! Im normally not a fan of extremely hot foods, but this was beyond flavorful! Before I left for the night, the wife offered me a bottle of her homemade Pique. I gladly accept! I take the bottle and head to the car. Well, it's currently really cold outside. And my eyes start to water from the bitter cold. So I wipe my eye without giving a second, though.... that's where the F-Up happened. See, since we don't currently live in Puerto Rico, the wife has to use what's at her disposal. She just happened to use Carolina Reapers in her sauce. I just touched my eye with Carolina juice all over my hands! Thanks to my blunder, I am currently laying in bed with my eye swollen shut. Tl:DR I touched my eye after handling a bottle of hot suace that was made with Carolina Reaper peppers.

TIFU by bringing a JanSport Backpack to the airport and succumbing to social pressure.

TLDR: boring story about how airlines decided that my backpack was too big to be called a personal item. I just flew a super long international flight from the US. For context, I am a (25F, PoC) frequent flyer and I take a minimum of 2 international and multiple domestic trips a year. I’ve been flying since I was 6 years old and I’m SUPER well versed with all flight travel and safety info, have fast accesses and have figured out the best airlines for my trips etc. I never get checked or pulled aside for weight and have a very standard set of luggage items that I travel with REGULARLY. Unfortunately this time I was traveling with a very bad eye infection that makes me highly photo sensitive and tear up when I go under duress. This morning I went to the airport 4h prior to my international flight, stood in line for exactly 5 minutes and got my charm on as I went up to the attendant at the check in desk to check in my luggage. 2 bags go in smoothly with a bunch of excess weight + I have the option to check in a total of 3 luggage pieces and choose to only put 2 in. With me, I also have a nearly empty backpack (it has a nintendo switch, important documents, meds, extra socks and some food to have at the airport) and a carry on that’s smaller than standard issue (limited myself so that I never go over weight) with ONLY electronics (laptops, other things with batteries) and a set of clothes in case luggage goes awry. They asked me to weigh my carry on and it was 6.5kgs. Then, they spot my backpack (VERY standard JanSport backpack) and asked me to add it into the weight. Net weight was 10kgs and now everyone’s panicking. I moved some random shit to checked in bags awkwardly while I get stared down by now aggressively building line. Weight comes down to 9.2Kg. I explain to them that it’s reasonable to have 1-2kgs beyond the 8kg limit as we’re allowed a personal item and a check in item. It’s nearly impossible to get both in under 8 Kgs for long flights with layovers because I literally just need to have some basic shit to brush my hair with when I’m sitting at an airport for 6h after a 14h flight. Still no go. Then a senior correspondent comes over and said, and I quote, “A backpack is not a personal item, it’s a carry on item. Only a purse or something small can be considered a personal item.” I’m like wtf my entire bag is electronics what should I do. The only things I have left in my personal carry on is ALL of my electronics. Line behind me is going crazy and now it’s been 25+ min since I’ve stood at the counter. They said no it doesn’t matter I need to check something in. My backpack has battery packs and I was like holy shit what should I do now there’s so much Li Ion batteries in all of these products, each worth a minimum 500 USD. Every possible permutation of luggage shuffling has been done and now the issue is that MY BACKPACK cannot be a separate item. Said backpack and carry on combo has worked for about 10-15 times at this point in various airlines AND this very same airline a few months ago. I sadly had no way of fitting the backpack into my small carry on and my luggage had already left the terminal and was now in the luggage storage region. Now, their suggestion a was to check in the carry on and power everything off and it’s totally fine (????). There’s 4 airline staff vs me and they constantly were trying to get me to check in my bag with multiple laptops and other tech equipment. I was legitimately confused as to what they were suggesting because apparently it is now SAFE TO CHECK IN LITHIUM ION BATTERIES and the airlines is not liable for any damage or loss of baggage. Maximum of 500 USD can be claimed under mishandling so they’re off no repercussions if my screen breaks or some shit. Staff are constantly reassuring me that nothing will happen and just check it in etc. I have been standing there for more than an hour, insane lines behind me and just utterly confused as to what I should do. Random passenger came up to me and said I was being inconsiderate and that I should just pay what I have to pay and move on like everyone else. My fucking fucked up eye is under direct heavy light and my photosensitivity induced stress is off the fucking charts, I have a whole migraine and literally just am pathetically involuntarily tearing up under very dark sunglasses in front of a bunch of strangers. I broke and removed all the batteries I could, turned everything off and checked in my carry on bag with 4000 USD worth tech equipment. They wrapped it in plastic for “safety” (cost me 25 USD) and I keep my backpack as it has all my medication, documents and money and I really didn’t want to take it out in front of people. Backpack doesn’t nearly have any space to accommodate for things in luggage and I give up. I am fully mentally burnt down at this point. I leave. As I walk to my gate after TSA and am in a less stressful situation, I am seething because everyone around me has SO much more shit than I do. Huge tote bags that could fit my entire bag in were “allowed” because they were a “purse” and not a “backpack”. I pull out a bunch of notes and articles that suggest that it’s very unsafe to have Li Ion batteries in the check in luggage for a multitude of reasons. Reach my gate with 1.5h left to departure and I immediately find the attendant at the gate. Explain the situation to her and shes like, “That’s crazy they made you do that, we’re going to bring that bag back for you”. Takes them an hour to track it down and they bring it back to me. TSA rummaged my bag like crazy and it was all messed up inside with a note lol. I need to now swap my backpack for the carry on as my ticket had 3 pieces checked in noted on it. Literally checked in an empty backpack with 1 empty water bottle, lunch box and an AirTag. Staff at the gate are super grateful that I flagged this issue to them and told me it was very smart of me to do so before the flight took off because if something happened in the luggage area, it would mean an emergency landing and the risk was definitely not non-zero. I was like bruh i told them this 587326 times at the gate what the actual fuck. The sheer flip flopness of staff from the same company was baffling to me. I’m finally the last one to board after getting there 4h early. I have all my expensive things with me. Final weight of carry on is unclear. sigh. Has this happened to anyone else recently? I feel weird about the whole incident and am wondering if I was initially racially profiled or something. The panic and stress I felt still has not left me. I am now home and my backpack is now nasty from being put with many luggage items. Fuck taking flights. ———————————————————————- Small Update: Airlines was Qatar Airways from USA to Asia.

TIFU by putting my cat’s name on my Chewy account

Earlier this month, I got an email from Chewy saying my information couldn’t be verified. I figured it was something to do with changing my address so many times (we’ve moved apartments twice and just bought a house), so I decided to put it off until we were ready to move in. I make the call last week and figure everything is good to go. On Tuesday I notice things still haven’t moved forward, so I call again. Lady on the phone asks me to confirm my info, says it’s weird that the block is still happening and she can’t get around it. Tells me to try again in 24-48 hours. I gave it until Friday and went through the spiel. My name, confirm address, confirm email, confirm phone number. She can’t see why it’s blocked either and can’t get around it. “I’m going to bring this higher up. Just one more thing before I put you on hold, what’s the name on the account?” “BlinkerBeforeBrake” “No it’s not” Oh no. It all clicks. “It might be under Debbie?” “Yeah that’s what we have.” “I think I know why my account isn’t accessible.” Debbie is not a person. Debbie is a cat. My cat, who I order for on the account. And when I set it up two years ago, I thought it would be cute to have her name on the address label so it would be like she was getting mail. I didn’t realize I was claiming to be a maybe-real person named Debbie with my last name. It definitely looked like I was trying to steal someone’s identity. After lots of time talking to Chewy, the best they could tell me was to abandon the account and create a new one with my real information. I also need to re-upload her prescription for her IBS food, which I don’t have because we’ve moved so many times. And her old vet won’t be open until Tuesday because of the holiday. I ran out of food this week because I usually rely on autoship. The only safe thing to feed her until her food comes in is Gerber baby food, so guess I’m hitting the grocery store later. TL;DR - I put my cat’s name, Debbie, on her Chewy orders to be funny. Two years later Chewy can’t identify Debbie and permanently block the account. Now I have to wait until after the holidays to regain the prescription for her IBS food from her old vet, and give her (human) baby food in the meantime because it’s the only safe thing she can eat. EDIT: Thank you everyone for posting your kitties!! Loved opening up my phone today to see all the fellow voids and various minous. Have a happy new year!

TIFU pretending to be asleep

October 2023. My dorm room. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my roommate fooling around with another guy. My roommate was someone who would describe himself as introverted, socially awkward, unattractive, alone, etc. Since the beginning of our roommate relationship, I had never seen him show an interest in dating anyone. On the rare occasions when he was willing to go out with me, he would usually avoid interacting with the opposite sex. I always assumed he was just shy, which he was, but it never occurred to me that he might be attracted to guys. Back to my dorm. I was pretending to be asleep because I didn't really know how to respond in that situation or how my roommate would feel if he got caught in the act. This was uncharted territory. As silly as it sounds, I didn't wanna assume my roommate was openly gay or bi just because he was "low key" hooking up with a random guy right next to me, so I reacted by not reacting at all. I'll admit, it was an awkward situation, not just because I could hear whispering and kissing and moaning and all kinds of other noises that made it clear to me that both guys were really into each other, but also because I was lying on my side for too long and my arm was beginning to go numb. I was forced to switch sides and face the action, but my eyes were still closed. At that moment I heard one of them whisper "bro, I thought your roommate was, like, I dunno, Asian?" I suddenly opened my eyes and noticed two random naked guys in my roommate's bed. Both of them were too high and horny to realize they were in the wrong dorm until it was too late. If the two of them didn't whisper the whole fucking time, I probably would have picked up that none of them sounded like my roommate. The gay guys apologized for canvassing my roommate's bed in fuck fluids and took off. I changed the sheets and cleaned up the mess before my actual roommate returned to his bed in the early hours of the morning after apparently working most of the night. I was not his favourite person when I explained to him what happened. I never forgot to lock my dorm since that night and my roommate is still reminding me that I owe him brand new bed sheets. TL:DR Two random guys were fucking next to me in my dorm because I thought one of the guys was my roommate getting laid so I awkwardly pretended to be asleep to avoid interrupting. Turned out the two guys didn't know they were in the wrong dorm until they saw my face and realized I was as random to them as they were to me. I had to clean up the mess they made and eventually explain to my real roommate how I allowed something like that to happen.

TIFU by telling my date that I was the world's biggest fan of dick

This wasn't today. It was a few weeks ago. After leaving a long-term relationship a few months ago, I thought I would try dating apps. While I didn't have high hopes, I matched with someone I almost immediately found fascinating. After a texting back-and-forth for a fortnight, we met up at a local cafe for lunch. While chatting, I bring up that I've been listening to loads of audiobooks recently. She says that she's been working through a list of "best of all time" films. Most recently, she explained, she had watched *Blade Runner* (the original one) and had loved it. Blade Runner is loosely based on *Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?*, which I've read several times. Ubik (which by the same author) is one of my favourite books. Please read it. These books were written by Phillip K Dick. He also wrote *Man in the High Castle* and *A Scanner Darkly*. Basically, he wrote some damn, damn, good books. After enthusiastically talking about these books, she comments that I obviously like them a lot. Looking her dead in the eyes, I said **"I am probably the world's biggest fan of dick".** I said it too loudly. It was a small cafe. I hadn't said it was a joke. I said it like I really meant it. I had been earnest in telling the entire cafe that I loved dick. People had obviously heard. She bursts out laughing. I don't mean that she lightly chuckled. I mean that she started howling and cackling with laughter. After a few minutes, we're scolded by an embarrassed barista. Someone had complained about us being too loud. We had finished eating, so we awkwardly apologise and leave. Afterwards, she explained that she wasn't really laughing at what I had said. Instead, she explained that she couldn't stop laughing because my smile had immediately dropped, I went bright red, and looked like a deer caught in the headlines of an upcoming truck. For reference, I am extremely prone to blushing. In the moment, I was worried that she must have thought I was being laddish and juvenile joke, when I had actually really meant it. We've not spoken much since then. We've both had to travel long distances to visit our families for Christmas and New Year, which has been hectic for both of us. However, every time that we have spoken, it's come up. She's told some of her friends about it. Apparently, she met up with a nice guy, but he shouts in public places about how much he likes dick. He enjoys telling the world about it, apparently. If the relationship goes anywhere, I have a feeling that she will never forget about it. **TLDR -** Matched with cutie on dating app. Went to a cafe. Told them I'm a big fan of Phillip K. Dick. He really wrote some great books, you know. Except I said it as "I'm the world's biggest fan of dick". She starts howling with laughter. We get told off for being loud. She keeps bringing it up. **EDIT:** I should have prefaced this by saying that I'm awful at reading people. I can never really tell what they're thinking and how they are perceiving me. It's been nice to read that folks seem to think that this isn't too bad.

TIFU by not saying anything

Today, after coming home from work, I took the train for the last station back to my own station, therefore the train was almost empty at the beginning of the ride. When entering the station I noticed a pretty girl entering the station as well. The train was about to start, so I had to run up the stairs to get there in time. To my surprise, after entering the train, I saw the girl walking in the train right before departure. For some reason, she could have sat down anywhere, almost every seat was free, but she decided to sit down right next to me, and we kept smiling at each other and looking at each other. I am not the most extroverted person, so I just said nothing. We both kept taking our phones out and looking at it for a few seconds before our eyes met again. All of a sudden, as if the ride only took 10 seconds, the train stopped at my station and while leaving the train, I was annoyed of myself for not even saying „hey“ or „hi“. Right before the train left the station, I looked back at her through the window from outside, and she was also looking at me. I regret it very much that I didn’t initiate any conversation. TLDR: I saw a pretty girl in my train, she may have been attracted to me as well, as we were smiling at each other, but I didn’t dare to talk to her, and regret it a lot in hindsight.

TIFU by Unknowingly Creating a Thanksgiving Pasta Disaster

This happened last Thanksgiving, when I, a college student back home, decided to contribute to our family feast. I'm no chef, but I can handle pasta, right? Wrong. I decided to make my "famous" mac and cheese, which is really just extra cheesy and creamy. Everything was going smoothly. I boiled the pasta, mixed in heaps of cheese, and added my secret ingredient - a generous dash of nutmeg. The kitchen smelled amazing, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Then, disaster struck. Instead of grabbing the nutmeg, I had mistakenly used cumin. The bottles look eerily similar, and in my defense, I was running on three hours of sleep. As I served my mac and cheese, I noticed the family's expressions changing from anticipation to confusion, then to outright horror. The first bite revealed the truth - it was a cumin catastrophe. My dad tried to be diplomatic, saying it was "an interesting twist." My grandma, however, was less forgiving. She declared it an "assault on Thanksgiving traditions." The rest of the meal was awkward. My cumin-infused mac and cheese sat untouched, like a pariah on the table. I was gently told to leave the kitchen and "maybe just help set the table next year." But here's the twist - my younger cousins loved it. They thought it was some exotic new dish and even asked for seconds. So, in the end, my culinary blunder became a hit with part of the family. TL;DR: Tried to make mac and cheese for Thanksgiving, accidentally used cumin instead of nutmeg, created a family divide but won over the kids.

TIFU by throwing away $6000 in the trash.

TIFU. A month ago I decided to go through my safe as I needed to put my daughters birth certificate away. This led me to looking through all the paperwork within. It seemed as though we were putting things in it that really didnt belong. I kept our cash in a paper envelope stuffed under a shelf. Over the years it had gotten torn and I recall I wanted to put it in something sturdy. So as papers were coming out I started looking at things on my closet shelf and debating what was important or not. I had some old owners manuals and letters from my dad. This had me opening more drawers and more papers were coming out. I noticed we had coin books in the safe and on my closet shelf so I moved those to the kitchen to organize. From here its all foggy but at some point I threw things away. My wife of 22 years called me while I was offshore at work inquiring about the cash as she wanted to get me a surprise gift without going into our bank account. The only thing I could think and continue to think is its in the trash. While I was still offshore my wife emptied the safe and the closet to no avail. She even gutted the office as she thought maybe I got sidetracked getting the envelope. She also went thru my Lego hobby room and our bedroom. Its gone. Since being home I repeated what my wife did in all rooms. No cash. Since this happened there isnt more than a second that goes by without thinking of this. I dont sleep and my heart races non stop. Im taking sleep aids to get more than 2 hours of sleep as I wake up having panic attacks. Im worried about my mental health and overall well being as this is just absolutely stupid on my behalf. So now I type this as a form of therapy. I dont know what to do besides get over it but I just cant. TLDR; While cleaning my closet and safe I threw out $6000 in cash.

TIFU by giving myself a near Vasectomy

So it was about 2am and I decided to go to the bathroom. I looked down at my pubes and realised I was basically Tarzan down there. I look around the bathroom to find my clippers, only to realise my brother must of taken them with him when he went to stay at his girlfriends. Probably should of told him I used those for my pubes. Anyway, I look at alternatives and I see my razor. So right enough, I get to work. This shit is rough, but it’s making slow progress. I get most of the hair shaved exact for one area that is between my balls and my dick, and that clump of hair has been pissing me off. The razor gets caught on a bit of thick hair, but I carry on. Almost have it until.. “Holy fucking mother of god man!”. It hurt like a motherfucker. I look down and see a cut that went from the top of my balls to the bottom of my dick. It bled for a long while and still stings. I also woke my entire family up and didn’t have an alibi prepared. Anyway, this is the same story I’m going to have to awkwardly tell the doctor I’m meant to be seeing in an hour. TL;DR: tried to shave my pubes with a razor and ended up with a huge cut on my dick and balls and now going to see the doctor.

TIFU by listening to a horror podcast at work

The week before Thanksgiving I was at work where I primarily edit video content for a large international brand. While editing I'll also listen to a horror podcast in the background some days since sometimes the editing is just looking for specific footage. While I was editing away one of the stories on the podcast made me feel particularly nauseous given how graphic the accident they were talking about was. I thought I might throw up so I made my way to the bathroom in case I did, but when I got there I didn't throw up. Instead, I woke up looking at the ceiling laying flat on my back in the middle of the bathroom. I slowly got up, felt the back of my head to see how bad the damage was and had a big gash on the back of my head. After cleaning up a small bit of blood on the floor and heading back over to my desk I asked one of my coworkers to take a look at the back of my head to decide if it was an ER visit worthy cut. Turns out the clasp on the back of my ball cap had sliced a good 1" to 1.5" gash into the back of my nogin. So my coworker took me to the ER where I received 7 staples and everyone got a good laugh out of my silly story. TL;DR I passed out after listening to a scary podcast at work and had to get 7 staples in my head.

TIFU because I smiled

This is so stupid. A couple of days ago my girlfriend asked me to come with her to go visit her mom who was recovering in the hospital after undergoing an operation to remove a mass or something in her colon. I was not keen on going because hospitals made me uncomfortable and I thought this was one of those family only situations. My girlfriend gave me the you're coming or sex is off the menu tonight look, so I shut the fuck up about not going to the hospital. My girlfriend and I realized we were not the only people visiting her mom that day. My girlfriend's dad was in the middle of reading a book to his wife when we showed up. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen my girlfriend's parents in person, so whenever I'm in the same room with them, I always feel like I need to make a good first impression all over again. However, I was not the main attraction this time. The focus was on the mom. All I had to do was be there. I didn't have to go the extra mile to impress the dad or warm up to the mom. However, what happened next proved that I managed to fuck up just being present. When it was time for my girlfriend and I to leave, I got an ominous vibe from her dad. I said goodbye to him more than once. When he failed to respond to my first goodbye, I filed it under "dad must be deaf or distracted." When I said goodbye again, his response was a blink and you'll miss it nod with no eye contact that came across kind of dismissive. I asked my girlfriend if she noticed her dad being weird with me, but she said no. It bothered me so much that I brought it up again during foreplay. At that point my girlfriend realized she was never gonna cum in peace if she didn't call her dad right then and there to find out what the fuck I was talking about. My girlfriend's feedback following the brief but informative phone call with her father confirmed that I did something upsetting at the hospital. According to my girlfriend, her dad said I had a smile on my face when his wife was describing the severe pain she was in prior to the surgery. My girlfriend said my smile infuriated her father because it looked like I was getting off on his wife's pain. My girlfriend asked me if I did in fact smile and I said it was possible that I smiled without knowing I was smiling because I was thinking of silly things at the time. My girlfriend, who seemed pissed off all of a sudden, asked me if I could explain why I was thinking of silly things when her mom was reliving an unpleasant experience and being vulnerable in front of us. I said it was something I automatically do sometimes when I feel uncomfortable, which was how I was feeling when my girlfriend's mom was beginning to share disturbing details about how much she suffered. My girlfriend said she kind of understood what happened from my perspective, but it was all up to me to repair the damage with her dad. I decided to call her dad and explain. I did my best to convince him that my smile was not a reaction to his wife sharing her traumatic experience, but rather an unconscious response to me thinking of silly things to keep my mind distracted in an uncomfortable situation. When I was done explaining, my girlfriend's dad encouraged me to share the "silly things" that was on my mind so that he could "better understand" what was so funny to me. I said I was thinking of how teenage me used to fail his driver's tests on purpose just to get more driving lessons from the attractive driving instructor. I was the only person in my family who was low key proud to have failed my driver's test 6 times, which I thought was hilarious, but my parents, who were literally the ones paying, did not. Something else I was thinking of was how uncomfortable it must have been for Clark Kent to secretly wear his skintight Superman costume, which included a cape and boots, underneath his regular clothes. It was funny trying to imagine Clark getting undressed from top to bottom just to use the men's room at the office. I was about to get to the other silly thing, but the call ended mid sentence. I thought something went wrong, so I called back, but my girlfriend's dad never answered again. My girlfriend said she loved me from the bottom of her heart before telling me that I probably provided more than enough proof to convince her dad that I'm an idiot. I'm never smiling again. Ever. **TL:DR** I went with my girlfriend to visit her mom in the hospital. My girlfriend's dad, who was at the hospital too, caught me smiling and thought it was inappropriate. I explained to the dad that I was thinking of unrelated things, which prompted the dad to ask me to share what was so funny to me. I told him I was thinking of the 6 times I failed my driver's test because I was attracted to my driving instructor and how uncomfortable I thought Superman must feel wearing his human clothes over his alien clothes. My girlfriend's dad stopped talking me after that.

TIFU by booking flights for next year

Hello from Rome! I got some really awesome news at the airport today. But first, I ended up here because I decided to take my mom on vacation to Europe for Christmas. She’s never been outside of the United States and I figured it was about time to change that. Since she’s a teacher and doesn’t have much money, I promised her I could get her to Europe for cheap with flight miles and then got her a travel credit card! And over the last year, we had both collectively earned enough points to get us there and back for free (minus some taxes ofc) The plan was to fly into Rome, go to Amsterdam, and then fly back from Amsterdam after spending a few days in each city. Problem is, when I booked us our flights from Rome to Amsterdam, I was in full dumbass mode and booked them for January 29 2024 instead of December 29 2023. I found this out when I got to the airport and the lady checking our bags noticed my mistake. This was really awesome news to hear and I felt really smart for getting into this situation. $1000 later, I got us both flights to Amsterdam that won’t interrupt our availability to get back to the US. Now, my New Year’s resolution for 2024 is to pay closer attention to details TL;DR I took my mom and I to Europe for free but I learned an expensive lesson.

TIFU by ignoring pain in the scrotum and now half of them is gone :(

o, im just gonna get to it really, basically... Im a overweight man and I sleep on my side most of the time, and it messes with my ballsack sometimes, over the years I've learned to just ignore it and keep my little buddies warm cupped in my hands sometimes when I sleep, but it sometimes happens that they got 'crushed' or rather swollen, it was hurting a lot always but it went away after a few days ! Me being the 'no doctor' idiot I am( I have seen the light from this experience) I just ignored it when it happened 2 days ago. But this time the pain was much worse, in fact it was so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight after day one... Fast forward to me going to the doctor the next day only for him to telle that they can't save my right testicle, great right? Just because I didn't immediately go, in fact if you guys twist your testicles (the twisted one feels hard, sharp yet dull pain very immense when you touch!) Please go immediately because it can die off in 4-10 hours in most cases... Anyways I'm laying here with some tube coming out of where my balls are(god damn I gotta get used to saying ball without the S now 😭) or something and I really fucking learned my lesson on immediately going to the doctor's the next time... Today was not a nice day. Happy Holliday's & a happy new year guys TL;DR I ignored pain in my balls for two days cause I thought it would get better on its own and lost my right nutt because of it

TIFU by clogging the only toilet in a high volume rest stop.

Not today but yesterday, it was a long day so I’m posting today. Yesterday, the day after Boxing Day I decided I wanted to go down to Maine (from Canada) to do some shopping at Harbour freight. We live about 5 hours from the harbour freight so we hit the road around 5:30 am. 3 ish hours into the trip and just a few kms from the turn off to the border we decided to stop at a small truck stop that had a Tim’s in the parking lot, get some coffee and use the bathroom. I’ve needed to poop since I woke up so once we parked I headed to the bathroom. Most Tim’s don’t have a particularly big bathroom, this one was no exception. Two stalls, one with a toilet and the other with a urinal, yes, I dont know why there was a urinal stall either. Like most truck stop/ rest stop bathrooms, they’re not that clean so I had to wipe piss off the seat. I’ll skip some details because we’ve all taken poops before, this one was no different. But while I was pooping (5 minutes tops) probably 6 people were in and out, one of those 6 people obviously needed to use the toilet as I eventually observed someone waiting by the sink huffing and puffing and coughing as if to say “I’m waiting” so I took that as a hint to hurry up. I start to clean up, flush, put my jacket on, go to leave and I see the water is a bit discoloured. no poop, no tp just a little brown water, you know what I mean. I like to think of myself as a decent human, I wouldn’t leave my piss on the seat so I’m not going to leave the water all dirty for the cranky man outside the stall, so I flush again. Bad idea, it starts fill up higher than it should. Okay, flush again, surely that’ll fix it. Oh fuck, it’s up to the top of the seat… I grab the plunger, trying not to splash the water too bad as it is actually filled to the brim. This plunger has clearly been used to its limits, like It’s flat and doesn’t even form a suction like I would expect it to. The guy has heard me flush twice and that hasn’t calmed him down, he’s still huffing out there. at this point I’ve exhausted all my resources, it won’t unplug and I’ve unplugged many toilets in my life. This guy IS NOT leaving and I can’t stay in there all day so eventually I say fuck it, shit happens man sometimes you gotta ask for another plunger. I planned on explaining my situation to the staff and asking if they had a plunger I could borrow. I put my jacket on, open the stall door and look at that man who’s been making my poop uncomfortable for the past 5 minutes. This guy was clearly annoyed but I wasn’t about to let him walk into a flooded toilet, I told him “I’m going to have to ask for some help, that’s flooded pretty good” instantly this man replies “for FUCK sake!” Then storms out of the bathroom… well that was awkward as fuck. THEN another man comes out the urinal stall, smiles at me and leaves (doesn’t wash his hands lol) I Leave the bathroom after washing my hands, look around, I don’t see the angry man so I tell my girlfriend, we need to go. Like I’m sorry, yeah I flooded the toilet but there was no poop or anything gross, I was definitely feeling hella embarrassed. I’m not one to get embarrassed in extremely awkward situations, in fact I thrive in them. My girlfriend often gets upset at me for making situations in public awkward but this time, nope I couldn’t do it. We get to the car and hightail it out of the country. Once on the road I tell the mrs about my awkward situation and we had a good laugh at my expense. Looking back if I were the guy in the urinal stall I’d be laughing my ass off. To the other guy, I’m sorry man but shit happens, you turned it into a big scene. a 5 minute walk across the parking lot and there was another toilet so not necessary the end of the work.. but I definitely inconvenienced the hell of that guy and for that I’m sorry lol TL;DR while on a road trip, we stopped to use the bathroom and get a coffee. While using the bathroom, I clogged the only toilet which lead to one of the most awkward situations in my life.

TIFU by making an homage to penises in 6th grade art class

Obligatory "This actually happened years ago" disclaimer. I (26m) was in 6th grade, around 11 or 12, learning about the color wheel in art class. The assignment was to cut out a shape on a stack of construction paper, to make 8 or so identical objects, lay them out in a circle, and paint them in the colors of the color wheel. Other students cut out things like swords, or palm trees, since the paper we were given was shaped in a long rectangle, so it was easiest to cut out something long and thin. I decided that my shape was going to be a guy in a wizard's hat. Alas, it wasn't far into my cutting out process that I realized my incredibly lacking art skills weren't exactly up to the task of cutting out the silhouette of a person on thick, uncooperative construction paper. And thus, I decided that the wizard's arms would have to go. And then his shoulders. And his neck. And his head. But 11-year-old me knew how to save my masterpiece, by giving this featureless rectangle a prominent wizard's hat on the end. Except, somewhere along the way, I ended up making the corners and tip of his hat more rounded than I had intended. In the end, I had somehow, completely by accident, ended up producing 8 identical silhouettes of a girthy, circumcised penis that day in art class. Not that I realized then, as a painfully naive little Catholic school boy. I went about painting each turgid, cardboard shlong with the utmost innocence, only mildly miffed that my "wizard" was lacking his arms. The art teacher either didn't notice, or wanted to spare me the embarrassment of calling attention to my fatal error, and allowed me to hang my abomination up in the hallway outside my class's homeroom along with all the other students'. It wasn't until I was stood underneath that very monstrosity later that day, talking to a friend as we waited to enter sixth period, that he pointed out to me the unfortunate likeness my cutout had to male genitalia. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. After that last class, I whispered to my brother about the nature of my grievous error as he and I both waited at the open vestibule in the school's main hallway for the bus to arrive, drearily contemplating how I would fare being homeschooled for the rest of middle school, since there was no way I could ever set foot in this building again. What my brother did next is something I will always be grateful for. Without a word, he dashed down the hall, hanging a left towards the 6th grade classrooms, and returned a minute later with a square of crumpled blue construction paper in his fist. Into my hands he passed my abominable art project, which he'd just valiantly ripped off the wall outside our classroom. I stuffed it into the lowest reaches of my backpack, to never again see the light of day, thanking my brother profusely all the while. None of the teachers ever mentioned anything about my art project being conspicuously missing, possibly because they were just as glad as I was that it was gone. I'm so glad my brother went and tore that thing down, because otherwise I would've had to look at it every day for the next several weeks until we had another art project to replace it. As an end note, 10 years later I came out as gay, so maybe it was some kind of subconscious Freudian slip? TL;DR: My abysmal art skills lead me to accidentally create a cutout of what looked like an erect penis in art class in middle school, and I only noticed when a friend pointed it out to me.

TIFU by Thinking I Could Outsmart a Roomba

Hey fellow Redditors, today I royally messed up, and I can't believe how absurdly dumb I was. So, there I am, sipping on my morning coffee, feeling like a genius because I thought I could outsmart my Roomba. I decided to play a little game with my robotic vacuum. You know, make life interesting. I attached a string to it and tied the other end to a small toy car. My brilliant idea was to let the Roomba drag the toy car around the house, creating a DIY automated remote-controlled car. Genius, right? Well, the Roomba had other plans. It took off like a rocket, racing through my living room with the toy car in tow. Everything seemed perfect until it hit a snag—literally. The string got caught on a chair, and the Roomba, not realizing it was tethered, tried to make a great escape, dragging the chair along for the ride. Long story short, my DIY project turned into a disaster. My Roomba went on a rampage, knocking over furniture, pulling curtains down, and creating chaos. It even managed to flip the toy car, causing it to crash into a vase, which shattered into a million pieces. Now I'm left with a destroyed living room, a Roomba that probably hates me, and the realization that I am definitely not the smartest person in the room. TL/DR: TIFU by underestimating the power of a rebellious Roomba and turning my house into a robot-induced war zone. Lesson learned, never challenge your appliances to a game they didn't sign up for.

TIFU: I accidentally took too many antihistamines last night and started tripping absolute balls

TLDR: I’m a sleep deprived mom suffering from postpartum insomnia & I live in central Texas so I’m also dying from Cedar fever, and accidentally took way too much unisom and benadryl and starting fighting the hat man and his army of spiders. Last night, I took 75mg of unisom (I know I know but I was desperate to sleep) when we got home from family Christmas, because the previous night I got 2 hours of sleep and just needed to knock out and rest. However, my husband is going on a hunting trip this weekend & was leaving me his truck, so he needed my car keys which were lost. So I got up to help him look after I was already almost asleep. That woke up me from the sleepiness of the unisom I had taken about an hour prior. After we found them buried under wrapping paper trash from presents, I laid back down to hopefully get some sleep. But then the baby wakes up. My husband is taking a quick shower, so I do this feeding. Now in Texas, we have what’s called “Cedar fever” this time of year, and my god is it HORRIBLE. I legitimately feel like I’ve got the flu and strep at the same time. So while I was prepping the bottle, I took 75mg of Benadryl without thinking. I know this seems extreme, but I’m pissed, tired, and I promise you a regular dose isn’t touching my cedar fever allergy and I’m desperate to sleep and not spend the night sneezing, swelling, itching and struggling to breathe with my sore throat. I feed the baby, get him back to sleep, get back in bed, and about 20 minutes later I start feeling drowsy again finally. I’m just about asleep when the baby wakes up AGAIN. My husband says he will change him and soothe him & do this feeding if I’d go make a bottle. I get to the kitchen, it’s almost pitch black in the house save for the Christmas tree lights on, so that created a low lighting effect in the kitchen. As I’m walking up to my fridge, I glance at something moving on my stove, and to my absolute fucking horror, it’s a giant ass ball of WOLF SPIDERS. Now if you aren’t familiar with this particular brand of spider, they are crafted by a cruel god straight out of the 8th circle of hell. They’re the size of fucking tarantulas. I know logically they are good bois who keep away the other unsavory creepy crawlers, & I am forever haunted by that damn poem from tumblr written in the POV of a spider being killed instead of set outside by humans, so I typically leave them to their creepy devices in my garage. However, they are not welcome in my damn house, and definitely not welcomed to form a fucked up ball shape like they’re auditioning for a fucked up spider circus show on my stove, so I hurriedly flick on my kitchen lights, ready to scream, burn the house down, empty a clip into them, but instead, I am completely & utterly horrified when the ball from hell disappears as soon as the light turns on. What. The. Fuck. This is when it clicked in my tired mom brain that I had astronomically, royally, horrifically, biblically, fucked up. I was fighting sleep on a higher than recommended dose of TWO antihistamines, and now they’ve kicked into deliriant mode. The hat man was coming. Now when I was younger & in college, I had tried shrooms once and had a horrible time, so I knew what was happening to me thankfully and I could ground myself when the hat man and his army of spiders inevitably decided to show up. I made the bottle, quickly passed it off to my husband, and climbed into bed. I didn’t say a word to him, because he’s never done drugs in his life and doesn’t drink, so I knew he would lose his absolute fucking mind if I tell him that his normally responsible adult wife and mother of his two children was tripping absolute fucking balls. The baby goes down again, husband comes to bed, I close my eyes and spend about 45 minutes in hell as my brain decides to start visualizing in extreme and honestly impressive detail the faces of people morphing into the most horrific, distorted shapes. I’m doing my damndest to keep my head here and trying to gaslight my brain into pretending that I do not see, and my husband starts snoring. He’s in a deep sleep. The baby wakes up again. I go make a bottle(flipping all the lights on this time, fuck you spiders), and sit down to feed him with my phone flash light on. The hat man is smoking a cig in the corner of my eye and spiders are crawling on my fingers. I start mentally pleading with a god I don’t believe in that I will never take an antihistamine again if he’ll just make this shit stop. The baby goes back to sleep. I go to my bathroom, throw up, chug water, pee, stare at myself in the mirror trying to understand how I could fuck up this bad, flip off the hat man, and make it back in bed. I finally fall the fuck asleep for about 6 hours of blissful, dreamless sleep. I feel completely normal today, just a bit groggy, dehydrated, humbled, and maybe traumatized. I grabbed my Benadryl out of the medicine cabinet and chucked it. Now I’m not typically a judgmental person, I don’t stick my nose up at those who use or have used drugs because raw dogging life as an adult in this economy is hell, but those of you who like doing this, you are an insane person. A different breed. You need to be studied and maybe locked away from society, because holy shit. I am horrified you would choose to do this, but also slightly impressed and definitely scared of yall, respectfully.

TIFU by eating a whole box of discount fudge-covered Oreos and experiencing the most embarrassing Christmas week ever

It all started with a trip to Grocery Outlet, where I stumbled upon a box of fudge-covered Oreos for just 17 cents. Yeah, you read that right, 17 cents! Like any sane person who loves a good deal (and Oreos), I grabbed three boxes without a second thought. Fast forward to me at home, working on the code for a project and devouring the entire box. The next few days were, to put it mildly, rough. I was constipated for an entire week during Christmas. It made me sick, gave the sweats, massive headaches. I thought I had Covid, took a couple negative at-home tests. Nothing moved, nothing helped, and I felt like death. My family's advice ranged from eating prunes to doing squats, but nothing worked. Desperate, I turned to the laxative aisle in a CVS and grabbed some disgusting Milk of Magnesia in a blue bottle. Now, for those of you who don't know, this stuff is POTENT. But did I know that? Of course not. I chugged it like it was a Christmas eggnog. Directly after drinking it, I decided to go for a hike with my dog, I thought I had at least an hour before the stuff took effect. I smoked a little bit of weed at the beginning of the trail and was having a nice brisk walk through the Northern Californian mountains. Halfway through the trail, my stomach did a somersault. I knew I had mere minutes before the Milk of Magnesia turned my insides into a high-pressure hose. Spoiler alert: I didn’t make it. There I was, on a semi-popular hiking trail, with my dignity flowing down my jeans. I waddled back to the air b and b, praying I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. So, dear TIFU community, that’s how I spent my Christmas week – eating discount Oreos, getting constipated, trusting Milk of Magnesia a little too much, and shitting myself in the great outdoors. Lesson learned: respect the laxative, and maybe don’t eat a whole box of Oreos in one sitting, no matter how cheap they are. TL;DR: Ate a whole box of super cheap fudge-covered Oreos, got constipated for a week over Christmas, took Milk of Magnesia without realizing its power, and ended up shitting myself on a hiking trail.

TIFU: Getting high while on my period

So I'm a 40 year old mom of 4, and I have extra strength periods. They last anywhere from 7-10 days and are so heavy that I have to wear absorbent period underwear, as well as a super absorbent tampon that I change every 1-2 hours. It's not the most fun, but I've dealt with it for 30 years, and I've got my system. Along with my super sized periods come super sized cramps, and these can be absolutely debilitating. I usually spend the first couple of days of my period camped out on the couch with a heating pad and an endless supply of chocolate. My husband is a saint who has always been unfazed by this, and thank God, because this month was going to test our relationship to the max. It was day three of what turned out to be a ten day cycle, and I was feeling some kind of way. The pain was honestly so bad I could barely walk. So my husband suggested I take an edible to try and take the edge off. He had brought back some gummies from a recent trip to California, so I grabbed one and settled in to enjoy some calm while the kids were at school. After an hour or so, it kicked in, and I realized it was a bit stronger than what I was used to, especially since it has been a while since I'd partaken. But I was feeling pretty mellow, and the pain wasn't quite so bad. I realized it was time to change my tampon, so I headed for the main floor bathroom. Normally I keep my supplies in my private bathroom upstairs, but I usually keep a few tampons in a discreet jar on a shelf in the main floor bathroom so I don't have to trudge upstairs every hour. But I noticed it was empty. I called to my husband and asked if he could go grab a few for me to refill it, and he was happy to do so. He brought them in, handed me one and placed the rest in the jar. I proceeded to do my business, wiping and cleaning myself, and getting ready to insert my new tampon. Now, I have a ritual which is the same every time. I open the tampon, pull out the applicator so it's halfway out, do my business, then insert, put the used applicator back in the package and throw it away. So when I looked down to grab the tampon, imagine my surprise when I realized it was empty and covered in blood. I had already inserted it! But that is weird. I distinctly remember wiping myself two seconds ago. Why would I be wiping AFTER inserting? Why don't I remember inserting a tampon? OMG I must be higher than I thought! So I reached down to pull the string, and I couldn't find it. Had I wiped it right up inside myself? Oh God, would I have to root around in there? All I kept thinking was that this is something that only happens on Reddit. I used a finger to fish around, but I could not find the string. I started to panic. There was only one thing to do. I had to call in the big guns. I made him promise not to laugh, not to ever tell anyone and not to make me feel stupid. I proceeded to tell him the story. I was so high that I accidently lost a tampon inside myself, and I needed him to get in there and find it. And get in there, he did. He looked and stuck half a hand inside and tried everything he could think of to get the tampon out, but we could not find it. I began to cry. I knew then we would have to go to the hospital, and I was so not looking forward to it. But then my husband stopped in his tracks and said, "Wait... Which box was I supposed to bring you tampons from?" I looked at him. "There's only one box, babe." He looked mortified. "Actually there were two... One that was full, and one that just had a couple in it." I started into his soul. "The one with just a couple in it wouldn't by chance have been next to the GARBAGE CAN, would it??" Yes, dear reader, my husband had brought me two USED tampons because like a good person, I close them neatly after use, and he assumed they were new. So in my marijuana haze, I did not put two and two together until AFTER my vagina had been violated like someone picking raisins out of a potluck potato salad. The moral of the story - even if your husband is a saint, they can still be incompetent. TL/DR - Husband gave me an edible, made me too stupid to realize just how stupid he was, and we both ended up covered in period blood. Edited to add: Yall - I do NOT actually think my husband is incompetent or stupid. I was writing with humor, and it did not come through as such. My hubs is amazing, and this FU is all mine. Stop DMing me to kill myself or to tell me I'm an awful mother (not sure how that is even relevant.). I was simply sharing a funny story. Yikes.

TIFU by getting shocked on my dick

Disclaimer. This just happened literally within the hour of me posting this. Let me start by saying that I installed an LED Strip light in my room from Amazon. Nothing expensive and it came with a weird power supply. The power supply has multiple barrel connector outputs that I just let hang down figuring they wouldn’t be harmful just laying around. Fast forward 2 days and I’m laying in my bed, watching a movie with a fwb over FaceTime. After the movies over she hangs up because she’s going to sleep but then texts back saying she’s in the mood for some fun and asks if I can send her a video of me finishing the job because she misses me. Who am I to disappoint? So I start my usual ritual and whip out my phone to record the last few moments for her. For some reason I decided to use my built in iPhone camera to catch everything in 4K 60 FPS HDR glory. I finish and record the whole thing but noticed a bright flash as I was in the final stages of the process. I go through the video in super slow motion before I send it over and there it is. I tiny bolt of electricity going towards and hitting the tip of my meat. So fast that if you blink you’d miss it and I didn’t feel a thing. I’m not sure if I need to call a physician or an electrician. Needless to say she got a good kick out of it and she thinks she’ll get super powers the next time we have sex. Edit: I think the wacky power supply for the LED lights might’ve charged up the furniture in my room somehow and possibly charged me up. I’m not sure if that’s how electricity works though. Update: FWB is an RN. She doesn’t seem concerned and has started calling me “Thor”. Guess no harm no foul lol. TL;DR: I got zapped on my dong while beating it.

TIFU by not being truthful with my now GF initially and coming clean about it

As with most fuck-ups, the origins start long before today. A year ago my (M21) first serious relationship officially ended. With it came all the heartbreak and trauma you’d expect from being cheated on and manipulated for months. I have never before been so hurt and swore off any relationship for the foreseeable future. My ex left me with a severe fear of abandonment, commitment and a need for sexual validation caused by some pretty hurtful things she did. Fast forward five months, after lots of hooking up and casual sex as typical in a college town, I had done very little healing and just covered up my pain with sex. Until I met F. She is the single most beautiful, kind, fun loving girl I’ve ever met. The second she introduced herself to me at the bar, I knew she was different. We went on a date and hooked up but it felt way more meaningful. I began to develop feelings for her and that terrified me. Those feelings heightened when she expressed the same back to me. With where I was at mentally, the fact we were about to be 8 hours long-distance over the summer and her own recent relationship trauma, we expressed our liking of each other but came to set terms of non-exclusivity. I assured her I was telling the truth about my inability to commit at the time and wasn’t just telling her that but let her know that she’s free to do whatever she wants over the summer. Working as a bartender, I had plenty of opportunities to continue casually hooking up. At first, conflicted about what I wanted, I didn’t take these. I liked F after all. However, as I began to overthink, I felt as though refusing this was making me vulnerable to being hurt if I come back to school to her disinterested. To me at the time, that seemed like the exclusive commitment I was scared of. So I had a casual hookup. Except this time it didn’t even give the temporary validation like before. It just made me more confused and like I wanted to commit even more. Which scared me. I shouldn’t have done it twice but I stupidly did it again. After just feeling more conflicted, I stopped, realizing it wasn’t helping anything and just making my mental situation worse. While we were both free to do what we’d wanted and discussed this, I didn’t feel right about it, especially since F and I were still texting and staying in contact. As scared as I was of committing, the idea of fucking it up with F seemed way worse. So when we got back to college and she asked about my summer, I told her I hadn’t pursued anyone. While I hadn’t pursued anything serious, I wasn’t telling the full truth. I wish I was strong enough to just tell her everything I’d done but decided I didn’t care to know what she’d done so I’d leave it behind me. Some months pass and we’re hanging out a ton, I’m staying over at her house multiple times a week, we’ve gone on some amazing dates and most importantly, despite her past trauma, she managed to heal a lot of mine. She showed me so much affection, trust and patience while I slowly became more ready to officially make it exclusive with her. This entire time I was loyal to her and figured, as terrifying as it seemed, I was already basically her boyfriend and I didn’t want to risk not getting to be hers. The months since then have been incredible. She’s been everything my ex wasn’t and despite how recent it all is, I truly do love her and wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. We both went home for Christmas a few days ago and things were normal. However, drunk on Christmas Eve, she FaceTimed me and began talking. The conversation suddenly turned to her past trauma and her expressing that she’s felt distant to me lately because of an intense worry that I’m gonna hurt her in the future. Not only does this stem from her exes but also a very rocky relationship with her father and I gave her tons of reassurance and love as she deserves. She responded by telling me that she’s gonna ask me a question that I “have to answer 100% honestly.” I pinky promised her over the phone I would and she asked “did you do anything with anybody over the summer?” I took a deep breath and knew, while it would likely hurt her a bit, I had to come clean. I confessed that I had two random hookups, explaining to her that I didn’t continue to contact them and that it was months before we became exclusive. She lost it. The hurt I saw on her face is the worst thing I’ve ever seen. She explained that she was loyal to me all summer and that she feels like she was in love with a lie. I’ve tried to express to her how sorry I am, how much I regret it and how I was in a completely different headspace. I’ve assured her that’s nowhere near the person I am now and that I’m sorry I let my own trauma hurt her but done everything I can to prove that’s long behind me. It completely destroyed her trust in me. I couldn’t sit there and lie to my girlfriends face but I didn’t know it would cause this. I should’ve never lied in the first place but I didn’t expect it to ruin our entire relationship. She wants to talk in person in a few days but she’s livid and I think she’s gonna end things. I know I fucked up but I’m in a completely different spot now. Probably too late but I learned my extremely painful lesson. I’m terrified to lose her but I think I will. TLDR; Met an amazing girl at a poor time when I was still healing over an ex. Overthought and decided to sleep with two girls. Didn’t tell her and told half truths about the summer. Girl became my girlfriend, came clean about it, she feels lied to and is probably done with me.

TIFU by sharing my feelings to my best friend.

Yeah, I've (34M) been in love with my (32F) best friend for the best part of a decade. I've been her friend for 10 years now. It all started when I got dumped by my first "real" girlfriend. A seven years relationship going down the drain and I needed to flush it all out with a good alcohol wash. It was starting to be late, during a week night and the only person who was still up in my facebook friend list was her. She was a clerk at a convenience store near my place and we never really talked outside really. I took my chance, told her I really needed to get drunk this night and by chance, she also had a rough day and needed the stress relief. She wasn't even my type to begin with. A bit taller than me (I'm kinda short, 5'7"), blonde, a bit too girly for me but hey, I was mainly there to forget and she seemed like someone I could have fun with. I was right. Super funny, interested in what I had to say, smart, both feet on the ground. The night went by super smoothly, we both went to her place and fell asleep cuddling each other. She even laughed the next day when I had to puke on the side of the road (she gave me a lift, I was waaay too drunk to drive). That was it. A good start to a nice friendship, but really though, it wasn't one. I didn't ask for this, nor did I planned to feel this way but man, she was like a sunshine shredding through my darkness. She made me feel whole when I needed it the most and the feelings I had for her started to crawl under my skin day by day. Back then, she was with some dork who didn't really loved her to begin with. She started to be closer and closer to me but still really loved him. There was a sexual tension between us sprouting more and more and I'm ashamed to say this but I took the opportunity and went all out. This is my first F-Up. Sex was great, I can't deny that. Even the best I ever had to be frank. She matched my energy, what can I say?! But she still loved the other dude...and man was I falling hard for her after that. Weeks went by, then months, our little show still ongoing, until she decided to dump him. I was both relieved and stressed about the situation because I really didn't know how to approach her. She was hurt, needed me but at the same time she had to free herself from an abusive relationship and try to refocus on herself. And the only thing she did to do it was back then was to meet as much people as possible to forget him. My second F-Up was to stay there and say nothing. I've let her talk about all of the man she met and f'ed without saying a god damn word. I should have just walked away, grieve and move on...but hey, love is blind. I finally overcomed my sadness by meeting a super sweet girl who was a bit older than me. Super funny, had a strong heart and was super gorgeous. Like, that girl was my ideal type. Curly red hairs, freckles in her face, her collar bones and shoulders, a bit smaller than. She was a tomboy, was always wearing jean and was working as a welder. She even loved the same music as I did. It was love at first sight. We immediatly clicked and got serious fairly quick. She knew about my best friend and my proximity with her and didn't mind. My third F-Up was to never set any boundaries with my friend during this relationship. She liked my new girlfriend but didn't like the attention I gave her. She had the sensation she lost the attention I had for her and multiplied it by tenfold for my new girlfriend. I brushed it away as mild jaelousy but I guess it was more than that. Man, I'm not proud of all this. She started getting more and more flirty with me, a bit kinky when my girlfriend wasn't around and ultimately, you guessed it, I couldn't resist and did the unthinkable with her. I'm pretty much certain my girlfriend knew at some point I cheated on her with my best friend because she one day dumped me out of the blue without any explanation. I was sad for a bit but I deserved it 100%. I thought I had my chances back with my friend, but hey, let's keep this a tradition, she found someone else not long after. At this point in my life, I got physically hurt. Injured myself while working, hitting my neck and my back badly and had to stop working for a good while (almost 8 years and counting now). I was still in love with my best friend but was too much a coward to tell her, yet again, because she had found someone new and I didn't want to lose her (my social circle went super small after my accident so I needed a win here). I've kinda forget about being with her, even more when she married him a year after they started dating. But I couldn't move on. I was so stuck in this self-destructive loop of me being hurt badly, feeling unwanted, crippled and yet hoping for her to wake up and see how much I loved her that I practically stopped existing at this point. I was there for her when she needed help with her shop, when she felt bad about school or about her relationship and I was desperate for a bit of attention on my end. I mean, the sexual tension and proximity between us was still there but I didn't want to take a step this time. I didn't want to ruin a marriage, especially my best friend relationship. I dug a hole and went silent about it for years man...I'm writting this up right now and I feel such like an idiot. I'm sorry, this is dragging a bit here but you had to know the full extent of our "friendship" to understand why I F-Up for the last time, yesterday. She decided to end her marriage a couple months ago. Her husband was sick and didn't want to help himself. She tried as much as she could to help him out by finding solutions but nothing sticked. He was abusing meds and drinking to the point of being borderline violent. That's when she decided it was enough...but hey, she loved the guy. She's naive but still loved the guy. So I did my job as a friend and tried to support her as much as I could. Calming her anxiety, trying to cheer her up when she felt super sad. She's now living a bit far from home and I can't drive so I have her moral support. She also always avoided coming to my place for more than 15 minutes (for the past 5 years), which I found weird AF and a bit rude...but I was also getting better myself. I've lost weight, got back some of my confidence, got back a bit of a need for life, you know? 6 months later (now), she's feeling a bit better. She still said from time to time that she miss him but started to show interest in life again. She also started seeing people, just flings, for the sake of it...and to tease me back again. That's when I started F-ing up again. Man, I've started complaining she never had a single second to come see me, not even when she was single again (for that part, it's true...she's my bestfriend but she didn't even took the chance to take a coffee with me in 5 years) and that I was hurt about it. She told me she was still figuring out her life and that she did not have any spare time, not even for herself...That's when everything went out. The whole story my friends, served on a platter for her to enjoy to it's full extend. She went radio silent for a while until a couple days ago when everything went back like nothing happened. So yeah, yesterday, I decided I had enough and asked her what we were exactly. Last F-Up in this saga. I really didn't like the answer. She was confused because she had recently met someone she liked to the point of probably being exclusive to him for the time being. I couldn't....I just couldn't anymore. I've been suffering for the past 10 years and I had to add a coat on top of all this. I knew it was already going in this direction and I still stood there like an idiot. I had to do something...so I did what I could do best right now. I chosed myself. I thanked her for the good stuff that happened during the last decade (it wasn't all bad moments), told her I couldn't keep up with this anymore and that I wasn't angry nor disappointed. She had the right to live her life the way she wanted, with who she wanted and at the pace she wanted, but so did I. I wished her the best of luck and completely erased her from my life. It sucks. Really bad. I'm hurt to the point of being on the verge to throw up because I know I can't get back from this. Something broke between us and I've probably lost her forever. What other choice did I had? ​ EDIT: I have to clarify certain things here before it gets out of hand. I was kinda overwhelmed when I wrote this TIFU since I have nobody to talk to currently and needed to vent out. I've forgot to write certain key factors that need to be said. She knew I loved her back then and she also knew I had still strong feelings for her today. When she dumped her first boyfriend 10 years ago, I tried to make a move and was met with a refusal. She wanted me, she just didn't want to commit herself in a serious relationship. I should have stopped there and move on but like I said, I was in love. I tried to get back in the game and flirt with other gals but it just didn't sticked with me. I've dialed back down on this part when she got married and stopped flirting with her until recently. Also, about the coffee part, it's more complicated than this. I've been inviting her to all sorts of events and party in the past 5 years (before and after covid mainly) and I've always been greeted with excuses as to why she couldn't make it. I'd be ok about the part where she was still married, since he could be a bit overwhelming to deal with, but after six months as a single person, going out and having fun with a bunch of other people, it kinda felt awkward for me, her best friend, to be left out each and every single time. That's when I started getting a bit bummed about this while situation. Lastly, I've told her about my ressurging emotions 2 weeks ago. I know she wanted to be free and just have fun with random dudes and at this point, I've told myself "What's a couple more weeks over waiting 10 years to get a chance?" The only thing I've asked her was to give me a chance if she felt the need to have something more than casual with someone. It happened, not with me, I was fed up, I asked her the question that lead me here writting this post. And yeah, I also feel bad for the girl I was dating back then. I'm really not sure if she knew about it but either way, I couldn't stay with her after that, no matter what. Tl;dr, I had to erase my best friend from my life because I was too much a coward to tell her how I felt about her for the past decade until it was already too late. ​

TIFU by traveling states to meet a girl

Obligatory didn't happen today, occured late October of this year but finally felt I could tell this story. So several months ago (almost a year I think) I was scrolling TikTok and came across a live with a small girl friend group. I (22m) joined and we talked and we all got along very very very great. There was three girls but two are best friends (both 26F). So we all follow each other and we have similar jobs (I was a sub teacher and they're elementary teachers). The mutual friend keeps pestering me to dm and try to date her friend, which I do because she's cute and funny, we had great chemistry and similar job roles. Thing is, I was in Georgia (moved states but not too far), they're however in Iowa. So months and months go by and comes summer, and we're going live on tiktok almost daily for those months especially summer. We're planning spring break trips, laughing, doing tiktok battles, giving those friendly "mean jabs" but nothing too serious, just light-hearted jokes, doing drinking games etc. Mind you at this point me and the mutual friend's friend are texting everyday and getting to know each other. Come the next school year I save up and buy tickets to meet her. Months pass and comes late October, there's some last minute issues with my flight (and if you've never been to the Atlanta airport, it's stressful to say the least, this didn't help but got a resolution). Ended up having to land in Chicago, layover to St. Louis (which I planned to go to anyways so no biggie) and had to take a greyhound bus ride to Iowa. Got on the bus at 12pm, got to Iowa close to 12am, stopping at skethcy and dirty bus stops and such on the way. Well since I got to Iowa late, the girls were in bed and I was tired so no biggie. Next day, first full day there, the girl I was talking to was busy that day, idk why that's all I was told, so the mutual friend and I hung out for a few hours, went to her place and watched a movie, and she dropped me back off at the hotel because she had a date later. Next and last day in Iowa before heading back to St. Louis for personal time, we were supposed to all go to a winery, as the mutual friend said the previous day. So I'm texting mutual friend and she's saying I might miss my bus back to Missouri etc etc, and I say I can Uber back early and head out, just wanting to at least see the girl I'm talking to in person, and mutual friend says "girl I'm talking to" (she said her name but I'm not saying names) isn't going anymore and it's just her (mutual friend) and her date (MF's date). I say okay, never hear from mutual friend again, spend all day in the hotel alone until it's time to catch my bus. I text "girl I'm talking to" sorry I missed her and thought Iowa was amazing, and no response. Several hour bus ride back to St. Louis, had some fun couple days there, and flight back to Georgia Halloween night. Just tonight the girls are at mutual friend's place live on tiktok and I went in just to see what's up, and mutual friend is saying "girl I'm talking to" is single, telling the chat this, and she needs someone, just saying it to the chat and to random men they're going live with and battling. Dang me. Oh well. TL;dr Met some cool girls on tiktok, had a lot in common, mutual friend girl told me to try to date her friend, I agreed, me and the girl hit it off and talk almost daily, I take two flights and a several hour dingy bus ride to see her due to last minute issues with Southwest, I land, get ghosted, and now the girl I was talking to his being advertised as single by the mutual friend Edit: Yes I've tried dating local for many many years (from high school until now) and no luck. I didn't plan on trying to date this girl until the friend convinced me and then the more we texted and went live, I fell for her and went for it. I didn't want to risk a chance I so rarely get, even if that meant traveling so far. And they knew my age and were fine with it, so that wasn't the issue. Also I was scrolling and just happened to see the live, I didn't go out searching for their account or anything like that.

TIFU by giving my friend edibles for xmas

Technically my friend had the FU but I was the one gifting cookies so ... For a few years my partner and I have been baking gingerbread cookie edibles for everyone in our friend group. It started out one year when we didn't have a lot of cash and an acquantaince had gifted us a bunch of sub-par pot theyd grown. The cookies were a huge hit and the cookies are now expected by friends and family every holiday season. This year a new friend (old coworker) entered into the fray, and i was feeling full of holiday spirit. I saw my friend and mentioned I had a Christmas present for her, and would stop by later to drop it off. When I got to my friends house, her dad answered the door. Now, her parents are pushing 70, and are the sort of ultra conservative christian couple that could go in a cheap made-for-TV movie about strict uptight parents. I made awkward small talk with the dad until my friend got to the door, at which point I was invited in to hang out with the family. My friend intervened and tried to shuffle her parents off, but they were both just sort of hovering around as we stood by the door. I gave my friend the cookies, told her they're best after you microwave them for 15 seconds, and high-tailed it out of the house. Now, I had mentioned before that I make christmas edibles- and I'd sent my friend a text before and after I made the drop reiterating that they're not regular cookies- but this didn't translate and I received a message from her telling me each parent at a whole cookie. Mind you, most seasoned cookie monsters eat a half cookie tops and they're good for a few hours, so mom and dad are about to be Cheech and and Chong. My friend calls me in a panic asking what will happen to her parents, and I can hear them in the background asking "how many grams are in the cookies?". After a few minutes I convinced them that they'll be fine, to put on a movie and order a pizza, and we ended the call. Honestly can't believe this just happened to me, it feels like a movie!! tl;dr: gave my friend edibles for christmas and her ultra conservative christian parents ate them by mistake.

TIFU by telling my daughter she can say anything during a game of Say Anythingi thought

*Me lying in bed mortified* Narrator- You're probably wondering how I got here... It all started when I let my 10 year old watch Mean Girls a few weeks ago. (Maybe an f-up in some people's eyes, but I love that movie) She asked what "Is your muffin buttered?" meant. I believe when your kid asks questions, you as a parent should answer them, honestly so they will keep asking you instead of asking kids who don't know what they're talking about. I told her it's another way of asking if you've had sex with someone. I shared a fun fact that the line was supposed to actually be "Is your cherry popped?", which is a more common term for losing your virginity. I thought nothing more of the subject. Fast forward to Christmas Eve and we're at my very conservative in-laws house playing a game of Say Anything. The game goes as follows: -Everyone takes turns being the picker. The picker gets a card and reads a question aloud. -The rest of the players write down an answer on a mini dry erase board they think the picker will choose. -When you write down your answer, you place it on the table face-up. -The picker secretly pics their favorite and writes it on their board and places it face down on the table. -Everyone guesses what they think the picker's favorite answer is by placing colored tokens on the mini board. It was my 14-year old niece's turn as the picker and her card said "What is the worst question you can ask someone on a first date?" My neice says, "Don't make it PG rated just because I'm young. I want it to be funny!" My 10-year old says "I have a funny answer, but I don't know if I can say it!" I thought how bad can it be, she's in 5th grade! I confidently, said "It's ok, you can write it." Lo and behold there on the yellow mini dry erase board in moderately legible handwriting with two little cherries for adornment "Is your cherry popped?" OMG I DIEDDDDD!!!! Thankfully my in laws have come a long way and we're able to laugh it off...eventually. It became a call back later in the game when my brother-in-law's question was "What would be the worst thing for the driver to say to you when you get into a cab?" My mother-in law answered "The answer Talya gave a few minutes ago!" TL;DR; I told my 10-year-old daughter she could put down whatever she wanted as an answer to a game question. She ended up using a sexual innuendo in front of my conservative in-laws.

TIFU by getting all riled up opening presents

Happened a few days ago, on Christmas Eve Eve. I (30 M) am like a child when it comes to opening presents. The more violent I can unwrap the gift, the better. It's like a competition to have the most absurd amount of wrapping paper bits possible and actually quite the opposite of how to efficiently open any box. But it's fun, so I keep doing it. :-) I'm used to going to my home country to spend Christmas with my family. This year though, I have a new girlfriend and she is working between Christmas and New Year, so she couldn't join. Therefore we decided to do a pre-Christmas dinner (Christmas Eve Eve), so we could eat together and open each other's gifts. The dinner went really well, having - as always at this time of the year - eaten way too much. Now comes the FU: I started opening the gift that I received from my sister and my girlfriend noticed my - very - childishness at opening up the present. Successfully done so, I proceeded to grab the present my girlfriend bought for me and started doing the same... only now... it slipped my hands... and... broke on the floor... still in the box... I was unwrapping... My girlfriend, seeing the display, started laughing, while I myself was very shamefully now unboxing a broken vase, which was very lovingly engraved with our nicknames for each other. Apparently my girlfriend's family members have a tendency to break presents on first use. Needless to say I am at the top of that list now having broken my present *before it even exited the box* it came in... I am never living this down... TLDR: Broke the engraved vase my girlfriend bought for me as a Christmas present while unwrapping it. I am now at the top of the list of her family's first time use present breaker list.

TIFU by attempting to impress my crush with an elaborate homemade dinner.

I spent hours preparing a fancy three-course meal, complete with candles and soft music. Everything was going smoothly until I realized I had mixed up salt and sugar in the dessert. As my crush took a bite of the chocolate mousse, her expression changed from anticipation to horror. Trying to save the moment, I nervously took a bite too, only to confirm that I had created a culinary disaster. We both politely tried to hide our disgust, but it was evident that the dessert was a complete failure. To make matters worse, my attempt to salvage the evening by ordering a replacement dessert ended up with the delivery person accidentally ringing the neighbor's doorbell thinking it was my house, causing an awkward interaction with the neighbor. My crush and I shared a few forced laughs, but the romantic atmosphere was irreversibly shattered. As the night progressed and I wanted to drive her home, I discovered I had also accidentally locked my keys inside my car, leading to an embarrassing call to a locksmith. What was supposed to be a charming evening turned into a series of mishaps, leaving me with the title of the most disastrous date planner in history. TL;DR: Mixed the sugar up for salt in the dessert causing a terrible chocolate mousse. Tried to fix it by ordering dessert delivered they confused it for the neighbor’s house, and locked my keys in my car when I wanted to give my crush a ride home. Next time I’ll just take her out to dinner.

TIFU when I introduced my friends to each other

Yesterday I (20m) introduced my childhood friend (22m) to my coworker friend (22f). My childhood friend flew from country to country just to spend time with me. He insisted that I introduce him to my coworker friend because he wanted to meet the person who filled his spot in my friendship circle. It was a joke, but he was serious about meeting her though. I never made it clear to my childhood friend or literally anyone that I was attracted to my coworker friend. She was someone I considered to be a close friend who had the potential to become more than a friend if I finally managed to stop being a coward and share my feelings instead of waiting for her to somehow connect the dots and make the first move. Needless to say, communication has never been one of my specialties when it comes to the opposite sex, which added to the irony of what happened next. I had to be an interpreter for my childhood friend because he was Deaf and relied on sign language to communicate. My ability to understand and communicate in sign language seemed to impress my coworker friend who had never seen me use sign language until that moment. She even hinted at the possibility of me teaching her sign language on the side. Based on that hint, I was beginning to imagine how our one on one sign language lessons would eventually lead to me telling her how I feel without words. However, I gave up on that fantasy as soon as my childhood friend decided that he wanted to test his lip reading skills with my coworker friend. Lip reading was something my childhood friend turned into a game to flirt with girls. When I used to be his wingman, he would ask me to encourage random girls at clubs or at festivals to say something to him as a test and then he would read their lips and write down what they said on napkins or on his phone or whatever. Even though 80% of the time he knew exactly what the girls said, he would end up writing the wrong words on purpose, which would usually be a fake compliment to himself that he presented as a compliment from the girls. A lot of girls ate that shit up. I was hoping my coworker friend would not become one of those girls, but she did. My childhood friend got a similar reaction out of my coworker friend that he got from the girls who hooked up with him. The two of them were low key flirting in front of me. I automatically checked out mentally and emotionally after my childhood friend expected me to translate the borderline sexual but still somewhat safe for work comments he was trying to communicate to my coworker friend, who was not only enjoying the attention, but also expecting me to translate her flirty responses to my childhood friend whenever he was unable to lip read some of the more complicated sentences. I was supposed to drive my childhood friend to the airport this morning, but he informed me late last night that my coworker offered to drive him and he accepted because she was gonna spend the night with him anyway. I agreed to meet my childhood friend at the airport to say goodbye. My coworker friend was with him when I arrived. It was awkward as fuck, but I did my best to hide how much it hurt. I'll get over it though. TL:DR I introduced my childhood friend to my coworker who was someone I secretly had feelings for. Little did I know that I would accidentally become the matchmaker between the two of them and the third wheel at the same time.

TIFU by not closing the curtains

Someone suggested I post this here. This happened easier in the year. So I was home alone and had recently bought a new toy and was pretty excited about trying it out. I took myself upstairs to the bedroom and put some porn on my laptop. I have a favourite video that never fails to get me going so whacked that on and got myself comfortable, hands between my legs teasing my clit until I’m ready for the main event. I crack out my vibrator and start fucking myself silly. Just as I’m on the brink of coming, at the point of no return, I see something out of my peripheral vision, turn my head and that’s when my eyes widen in horror. There, outside my bedroom window, is our window cleaner, with a huge grin on his face, with me sprawled on my bed, vibrator whirrng away inside me, red faced and absolutely mortified! I ran out of there as quickly as I can. Embarrassed beyond belief! When I told my husband he thought it was absolutely hilarious. Now when the window cleaner comes round for payment my husband tells him he should be paying us! TL;DR got caught frigging myself senseless by the window cleaner. Husband thinks it hilarious.

TIFU by forgetting my Fiance's Purse at Family Christmas

TIFU, my fiance(25f) and I(30m) went to my family christmas function on Boxing day. We had a great time. When it was time to leave, I grabbed the bag we had brought our food and gifts in and grabbed our jackets. I gave told my fiance I had our stuff and we drove home. 1hr and 30 min later we are getting out of our car and my fiance can't find our purse. She thought I grabbed it and I had no idea she brought it inside the house. Normally this wouldn't be a huge issue as although it sucsk, we could go back whenever to grab it. Unfortunately, my fiance had just revealed(for my 30th Christmas birthday) she has a surprise trip to Las Vegas planned. Her purse has all her credits cards, driver's license and meds in it so it was essential we have it. We had already left the party early because we have to wake up at 4:30am tomorrow to catch the flight. We arrived home at 8pm and still had to pack. Now we needed to drive back to my Aunt's house, 1hr 30min each way WTF. Fiance still had to wash her hair too. I convinced my fiance to stay home and wash her hair while i drove back to get it. Luckily, another family member of mine brought her purse home with them and saved me 30min each way of the drive. Got home at 9:45pm, I packed, sleep at 11pm. Awake at 4:15am. Wrote this as we are at the airport waiting for out flight. TL;DR: I forget my fiance's purse at the christmas which cost us 3 extra hours of driving before Las Vegas trip.

TIFU by going to a bike to work event

So this happend about 6 years ago at work. Once a year they do a bike to work event where everyone who bikes tot work gets breakfast. I did not go to work by bike because i had a young daughter(7months at the time) who i needed to drop at daycare and my bike is a rusty old piece of junk not up top a 40km round trip. My coworkers asked me to accompany them to the breakfast for fun (you need you sign up,so they have a idea how many people will attend, i was not on the list so did not eat) Now for the fuck up part: They came round with a free raffle, i was not thinking(i blame sleepdeprivation with 2kids under 3 and a snoring husband) and rook a raffle and ended up winning the main prize(gift certificate for 25euro for local stores). And had to have my picture taking while holding the gift certificate. It wasn't until my coworkers pointed out that i did not come to work on a bike that i realizee my fuck up. But i was to embarresed tot come clean to the ones organizing the event. I ended up donating the gift certificate to a local mum who i knew was really struggling to make ends meet. To ease my conscience. Did not work and my coworkers sometimes bring it up. Making me regret going that day. Years later still really ashamed and sometimes wondering if i should come clean to eventorganizers and donate 25 euro tot the next event. TL:DR went tot bike tot work event, without biking to work and won the main prize without having a legitimatie claim to it.

TIFU by letting my dog eat a bag of edibles (Snoop Doggy photo inside)

TL;DR: My basset ate a bag of cannabis-cookies, we went to vet while she was having a good time tripping balls, treated her immediately and now she’s doing great. So, long story short, I did this huge butter extraction that I was sure I’d never have the time to use even half of it before the expiration date, so I was willing to bake edibles for friends if they needed some. So this one time my friend asked me for some “peanut butter” cookies for their bachelorette party, and I said like sure no problem m’lady they are already in the oven. After that, I used like 4x layer of plastic film, some layers of aluminium foil all for mitigating the aroma and shoved them into my bag. Important to point out that I have a Basset Hound, who famously known for their insane nose and a “I own the house so I can do whatever ” altitude. Turned out she immediately knew where the cookies were. As I was about to leave the house, I went to a toilet for about 10 mins only to find out that my dog ripped the bag apart, chewed through all layers and ate like 30% of cookies that were in there. The good thing I is that I knew that cannabis is potentially lethal for canines so we immediately rushed to the vet. I might burn in hell for this but I am absolutely sure that during the whole voyage she was tripping balls. She was so relaxed and vibing in the car, never ever have I seen her so easy-going and not contemplating every word I say. I felt like she was having a good time. only to find out an insane queue at the entrance. I already felt like shit, but had to lie my way through saying that “she ate a whole bar of chocolate”. As we got to the vet I had to whisper into his ear that “it was not chocolate”. The vet actually laughed when it all made sense considering the read-eyed rhasta that was in front of him. He put her on IV, gave some meds and in about 2 hours told me that she’s going to be fine and I need to “cuddle with her more this evening” As funny as this might sound from the side I was very concerned and would do everything I can to prevent it from happening again.

TIFU by accidentally telling my cousin Santa Claus wasn't real

Technically this happened yesterday but I figured I could still talk about it now. For context, I'm a 25 year old man who still lives at home with his 26 year old brother and 47 year old mother and an additional 48 year old male roommate. Basically, I'm not used to being around anyone younger than me, and I'm used to being the youngest one in the house. We went to my extended family's house for Christmas dinner and she has 2 young kids. One is 8 and the other is 5. Autism runs in our family pretty heavily, so I and my brother have it, both cousins have it, my mother likely has it as does the mother of my cousins (they're technically my moms cousin but that's neither here nor there) Well I'm talking to adults at the table about how in recent years that it seems that transphobia has gotten a lot worse and more prominent, since I've been out as transgender since I was 4 years old in 2002 and it's only in the past 4-6 years that anyone has been especially cruel to me about it and was recounting an event that happened to me whiles I was shopping. This kid who couldn't have been older than 10 walked up to me and asked me why I was wearing boy clothes if I was a girl, to which I just politely said that I was a boy. The kid denied that to be true, saying that I have a girl face and that I must be stupid if I think I'm a boy. I was already having an especially bad day, and whiles I am not proud of this, just got down on his level and said "well at least I don't still think Santa Claus is real". This made the kid start crying and telling me that I was lying, that I was mean, and that he hated me. I didn't especially care at the moment, I didn't know this kid or his parents, but in hindsight being so cruel to a kid like that over something so inconsequential isn't my proudest moment to say the least. If I could apologize to him I would. Well I'm recounting this tale to my family as an example of how sometimes, my emotional out bursts are hard to control, when I see the 8 year old who says in the most shaky voice "why would you say that? Why would you say Santa isn't real?" And she looks like she's about to cry. She looked absolutely gutted, like I told her that her dog got hit by a car. This was completely different from what happened in the store, cus I love this kid to death, and the thought of possibly ruining Christmas for her killed me. My heart dropped, and all the adults kind of scrambled in to damage control. No matter what they said though she wouldn't stop asking me why I said Santa wasn't real. Eventually I just kind of broke and said "saying Santa Claus isn't real is something miserable, mean, pathetic people say because they're sad they're alone on Christmas and didn't get anything from Santa" as a hail Mary to try and make her feel better. In response, thankfully, she laughed. And made fun of me for being mean and alone for the rest of the night. I didn't care, as long as she was happy, I'd be the most miserable and alone loser on the planet. TL;DR not used to being in a house with kids, on Christmas day, accidentally said Santa Clause wasn't real in front of an 8 year old kid. Proceeded to become said kids punching bag for the rest of the night to make it up to her.

TIFU by finding out I'm not allergic to mangoes

When I was 8 or 9 years old, there was a kid in my class who was deathly allergic to peanut butter. I remember asking her what that meant because I never heard the word "allergies" before. When she gave me an ELI5 version of her reaction if she ate peanut butter, she also mentioned that people can be allergic to anything but their reaction won't be as bad as hers and that some people will just get super itchy. I think my friend chimed in saying she must be allergic to grass because her legs sometimes get super itchy whenever sits on grass during recess. The 8/9 year old me was fascinated yet terrified by this new information. I practically ran home from school that day to tell my mom, who's from Japan and didn't speak or understand English very well, the new thing I learned. I didn't know the Japanese word for "allergies" (which turned out to be "allergy" as I learned years later), so I explained it in the most basic Japanese that there's a girl in my class that turns red like a balloon and her throat gets tied up into a knot so she won't be able to breathe then d!e if she eats peanut butter... then I asked if I had any allergies also, probably hoping that it was shit like carrots or bell pepper so I never have to eat them again. I assume my mom understood my dramatized explanation of allergies because she calmly explained that while not worth a hospital visit, she does recall me having a mild allergic reaction to something before. Apparently when I was 2, she took me to visit a neighbor that had a mango tree in their yard. She noticed that I was red and scratching myself after I came back from playing under that tree. I was fine after she took me home, bathed me, and put me in clean clothes so she never took me to a doctor for an allergy test. My mind was blown again learning this information. I was convinced that was the reason we never have mangoes at home, so I swore to myself to never consume mangoes for the rest of my life. Turns out the reason my parents never bought mangoes is that the ones sold at grocery stores were very expensive and tasted awful, so they never bothered buying them. It wasn't until years later that I, a 30 year old who kept their oath to never let the deadly mangoes touch me, went to a Chinese restaurant with extended family. At one point, an uncle offered me mango pudding which I declined due to allergies. My mom then asked since when was I allergic to mangoes. Confused, I said she the one that told me about my allergy and mentioned the mango tree story. Not only did she forgot about that story, she couldn't remember if it was a mango or papaya tree. Either way, she told I'm not allergic to either because she's seen me eat both before and I've never reacted to them. As soon as she finished explaining, I inhaled that mango pudding without a second thought. It practically broke my heart to find out I lived years missing out on such a heavenly delicacy. Not long after that dinner, I decided it was time to eat the +20 years worth of mangoes I falsely blacklisted from my diet. Mango smoothies? Gimme the largest size. Someone brought mangoes to work? I'll take 3 and eat them during my breaks. What kind of cake for my birthday? Mango flavor please. Mango flavored candies? Gimme a bag of those. Mangoes on sale? I'll buy a dozen! One week had passed since I started my mango craving. I've learned mangoes have great benefits such as possible preventions of some types of cancers, boosting immunity, improvements in digestion... particularly the last point because I'm typing this while sitting on the toilet where I have been for at least 20 minutes. TL;DR Believed I was allergic to mangoes for over 20 years. Turns out I wasn't and tried to eat 20 years worth of mangoes. Gave myself diarrhea.

TIFU by staying at my friend's house who have a 1 month old

Have you ever had a terrible night's sleep where you're sleeping on an uncomfortable bed, your back is hurting, you're hot and cold, you're missing your pillow and you're exhausted? Add a screaming baby and you'll get to where I am. It's currently 5:55am, I went to bed 2.5 hours ago and got woken up by a screaming baby. Blood freezing, full lung capacity, strong voice screams. At 5am. What seemed like the calmest, quietest baby I had ever seen during the day, turned out to have full power and proved me very wrong. At 5am. I was a fool to trust my friend when they said he mostly sleeps through the night. He doesn't. The little spawn comes alive in the middle of the night. He said "let me show you what I'm made of". He did. Fooled me good. Don't be a fool. Don't be me. Sleep in your own bed, find an alternative. My nan warned me and I didn't listen. Now, I am awake, in pain and in a very, very, very bad mood. Edit - The baby is super cute and we are all very excited to meet him. I did ask in advance whether they're ready for house guests, which they said they are. I live outside the country and we see each other rarely, which might have made them say they're more ready than they actually are. I am a bad house guest on reddit, I will not complain to them. TIFU by forgetting babies cry during the night. Edit 2 - Many people seem to be taking my post seriously - it's ironic and I'm clearly making a joke about the situation. Chill. We went to bed at 3am because the baby had gas and was fussing for ages. I had to be at work early. The next day, both baby and mama slept most of the day. During my stay, I have helped with the baby and some house chores. I did not tell my friends the baby woke me up and that I was super grumpy, in fact, I lied to spare their feelings. But, grumpy I was, because it is not cool to be woken by a screaming infant 2 hours after he's finally let you sleep and you're waiting for the parents to wake up and deal with him, as you can't barge in their room at 5am and change a diaper. Parents surely have it worse - it is not mutually exclusive. Get off your high horses and remember that you were once also a childless person and hadn't given up on sleep yet. Now, I'm going to pull out my tiny violin and pour myself a drink to drown my sorrow from the sleepless night. (and celebrate I don't have to do this for another few years at least 😉) TL;DR - Don't sleep at your friend's house when the've recently had a baby.

TIFU leaving sex goodies at my daughter’s flat over Christmas

My wife (50s) and I (50s) stayed with my daughter (24) a year ago for Christmas. She set up a room just for us, together with a side table and drawer. When we were packing to go we were running a bit late, and left our lube and condoms in the bedside drawer by mistake when packing up to leave! We never mentioned it, ever, out of sheer embarrassment, hoping she’d discard them and move on. This Christmas we stayed with her again and after unpacking we glanced nervously in the drawer to see if, just maybe, our goodies were. still there. They weren’t, but in their place was a small, pretty, hand-sewn bag with a drawstring…. And inside was our lube and condoms 🙈 TL;DR We left lube and condoms in our daughters flat by mistake. A year later they were still there.

TIFU by leaving a dildo at my parent’s house

Well, I (20’s f) am absolutely mortified. I stayed at my parents house for the holidays. While I was in my old room, I woke up earlier than my alarm, and I was feeling frisky, so I relieved myself with my dildo. After completing round one, I was about to start with round two when the family pet started crying and I rushed to check on them. Everything turned out fine, then my alarm went off to signal for me to start packing for my flight. I flew back earlier and as I am currently unpacking, I realized something: my dildo is not in my bag. That means I left it, under the covers, unwashed. I know my mom changes linens right after I leave. I know she either found it already, or will find it when she takes the linens out of the dryer. I legitimately considered getting a ticket back to try to salvage the situation and take my sex toy back before anyone notices. I don’t think I can look my mom in the eyes for a very long time. I don’t know where to go from here. TL/DR: I forgot an unwashed dildo under the covers in my childhood room at my parents house. They either have already found it, or will find it.

TIFU by not wearing safety glasses

I am a welder at a small shop and ive been working here for a few months, I laid a bead and when you stick weld you have a slag layer you have to chip off with a chipping hammer after your done, its almost like ceramic, and i started to chip off the slag but forgot to put on my safety glasses, so it exploded when i hit it (i hit it on the side to hopefully have it come off in one piece, and well it didn’t) and a big ass piece went straight into my eye, i immediately dropped what i was doing and ran to the bathroom, got tweezers and got the piece out since it was in the corner of my eye by the tear duct i think, now that spot is white and burnt because welding is hot, I really hope i didn’t permanently damage my eye but now i gotta go to the eye doctor now and get that checked out, cant wait to spend 200 bucks on that, and waste one of my half days, Wear safety glasses kids, seriously TL;DR i got a bad burn on my tear duct due to not wearing safety glasses

TIFU by not questioning a brownie.

This happened a year ago, in my sophomore year, but it's one of my favorite stories, so might as well post it here, LOL. So I (at the time, 15M) am autistic. I love going to dances, parties, etc, because I'm very sensory seeking and enjoy the loud music and dancing. So, I never miss a school dance. It was around 8:30 PM at this point, and I'd been dancing for an hour and a half. At this point, I'm exhausted, but there's only 30 minutes left in the dance, so I'm putting all my energy into breaking it the fuck down. At my school, like most rural high schools, people do mad drugs. Like, I interact with high people every day, half of my friend group are stoners, I partake a little myself. At this point in my life, I had not once even taken a hit of a blunt. So, I'm dancing, and somebody (who I do not remember the face of) approaches me. They tap me, and over the clandestine melodies of Britney Spears, scream; "ARE YOU HIGH?" I was not. I tell them that, and in response, they tell me; "WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?" At this point, I was mildly scared of drugs (DARE and all that,) so I said "No, thanks!" They nod, and I think that's the end of the exchange, and then they show me a baggie of brownies. "WOULD YOU LIKE ONE?" Again. I am autistic. I was not putting a lot of energy into trying to guess social cues, nor critical thinking. They were selling brownies at the dance as well, and the bag that they were showing me looked similar to the packaging they had there. I also really like to have a brownie on occasion. So, of course, I say yes. I ate one, and they tried to push another onto me, but backed off when I said no. (Too many brownies make me ill, they're too rich for me.) 30 minutes later, I'm dragging two freshman to my stepdads car, and feeling a little weird. I assume it's just the adrenaline or whatever coming down, and just get in the car. Then on the drive home, as my stepfather is asking me questions about the dance and such, I realize, oh no. I am very fucking high. I manage to talk to him the whole 30 minute car ride home, he drops me off at the house to go drop my friends off (he knew one of them already.) I then spend 20 minutes raiding the pantry, walk downstairs, and pass out. I then didn't tell anybody about this until September, when I mentioned it to a buddy of mine, told me he got drugged by the SAME BROWNIE PEDDLER. Which sucked, because he was already drunk and apparently? on coke? so he got crossfaded as shit. Anyways, TL;DR, I got drugged at homecoming because I forgot edibles exist.

TIFU by not wearing gloves while chopping jalapeños for tamales.

We made tamales for Christmas. I was in charge of chopping garlic and jalapeños. Didn’t wear gloves like a dumbass. I chopped everything and washed my hands, thinking I’d be fine. 20 mins later my hands were on 🔥!!! I tried washing them again, putting milk on them, baking soda and a few other home remedies. None worked. I was thinking everything will be fine, just don’t touch the baby, my face, my eyes etc. Which I succeeded wonderfully at. The problem was that an hour or so later my balls started to itch. I absentmindedly scratched them… a few mins later my balls started heating up. 🤦🏻‍♂️ they ended up not being as hot as my hands but for the next hour or so I had hot balls. I’m just glad I didn’t touch anything else down there. TL;DR - cut jalapeños, got jalapeño hands and scratched my balls later which resulted in jalapeños balls.

TIFU by eating a donut sample, getting food poisoning and having a seizure at work

this actually happened 6 days ago, context i was working retail and i was planning to resign 4 days ago before this happened. basically i was on a night shift(4-10pm)and felt quite hungry, so i decided to try a free donut sample from next door and buy dinner.(i buy the same type of meal every shift, so i dont think dinner caused food poisoning) i never tried donut samples before this day. after eating the donut sample(7pm), i suddenly felt like puking for 2 hours straight. my stomach hurt so bad until the point where if i drank water or ate literally anything, i'd feel like puking. its worse cos i work alone and customers depend on me to be able to buy stuff. i kept going for a few toilet breaks cos i either have the aggressive urge to shit or puke. but for some damn reason, i dont end up puking! at around 9:20 or 9:30pm, the last thing i remember before having a seizure was mopping my shop. when i woke up, i saw a passerby accompanying me to the toilet and asking if i'm ok. then when i was accompanied back to my shop, i see the paramedics and their stretcher. ah shit, here we go again! i texted my manager that i had food poisoning, had a seizure and needed to go to the hospital. luckily she was understanding, she told me that she will take care of whatever i had yet to do and asked if i was ok. even tho i was supposed to work 2 days after this fuckup, i felt v fking embarrassed and didnt dare to work there again, so i told my manager that i still felt sick. also, my arm, back & legs fking hurt a lot. on my arm theres a big ass bruise thats taking up half the length of my arm. if only i didnt eat the damn donut. tldr: i ate a free donut sample, got food poisoning and had a seizure at work

TIFU by getting my mom the same gift as someone else

My very small family (aside from me it’s just my mom and my aunt) had a dinner several weeks ago where we discussed potential Christmas gifts we wanted. My mom is a certified yoga instructor and practices multiple times a week by herself at home as well. Since her dog often lays on the mat at home while she’s practicing, she wanted an XL yoga mat. I texted in our group chat what each person wanted so we would all remember and we all went our separate ways. I coordinated with my mom what we were getting my aunt so she would not get duplicate items but unfortunately, my mom only asked for a yoga mat and nothing else and my aunt and I both assumed we were going to be the one to buy it. Last night I dropped my gifts off at my mom’s (where celebrations take place) and my aunt noticed the similarly shaped box and asked if I had gotten her the same gift. Unfortunately with it being Christmas Eve, neither of us had time to secure another gift as the yoga mat was each of our “big gift” for my mom. We had both gotten her other small gifts but this was the one she asked for. Today she opened both and while she said she likes them and might end up keeping both, I just feel so bad because she got both my aunt and I so many gifts and we didn’t get her nearly enough (mostly due to financial circumstances which we are all aware of). TL;DR: didn’t communicate enough with my aunt and mom got 2 yoga mats and we feel bad

TIFU by forgetting to pack my GFs Christmas presents

Spent the whole day Friday OCD style prepping for our Christmas trip to Biloxi. GFs parents live down there and she doesn't get to see them often. My parents drove down too to spend it with all of us. After the gift exchange with her parents, we came back to our hotel room to do our own. Every present was carefully Tetris-fitted into Rubbermaid bins. We start opening them one by one. She got me a kick ass dash cam! I was so excited. I went to give her a gift. Total panic sets in. Where are all of her presents? In the fucking guest bedroom closet at home where I hid them in, of course. After I wrapped them for some reason my big brain thought to keep them in the same place. Initially I wanted to put my head through the hotel drywall in shame and self hatred. But my wise father reminded me "we are all here, healthy, and spending Christmas together". I didn't open any more of her gifts. We are going to open all the rest when we get home together. Thank sweet baby Jesus that my parents got her a ton of cool stuff. I definitely won't make this mistake again! TL;DR: Went on vacation that let my GF spend Christmas with her parents but forgot all her presents at home. And everything is still ok despite my moment of total idiocy.

TIFU buying drugs

So was looking to have someone deliver weed edibles since I live outside a city and I'm feeling quite shitty. I live outside the city so I found someone with a Yelp page. Texted them asking if they sold edibles and they said yeah and they take payment before delivery and via Crypto. Okay, fair. I proceed to purchase at which point I realise I'm being charged £5 extra.. so I ask why and they say it's the delivery fee. Okay, fair. Then I have a network fee of £10 to pay because I'm sending to an address instead of an email or phone number... I'm thinking the guy is just trying to protect himself so doesn't want to make an account. So I'm annoyed. Then I justified paying it as a Christmas gift to myself. I send the order through and I receive a screenshot from them saying they're being charged £50 network fee... And they ask me to Monzo them £50, to which I say "Fuck no".. really wish I said that sooner... Anyway they accepted on their end and paid £50 and they didn't seem too happy about it. I ask when I get my goods and they say they need to send the details out. Now it's been over an hour and I'm starting to think I'm not getting anything and I've been scammed. So I've gone from feeling shitty to shittier and I'm £35 out. Serves me right for being a gullible twat. This is my first time being scammed and I've learnt my lesson about trusting people and ordering drugs in a poor state of mind. I have his number and I'm tempted to register it on a few naughty sites... tldr; think I got scammed buying edibles.

TIFU by accidentally telling my boyfriend’s mom that I will suck him off at family Christmas

So the story goes my boyfriend (m, 25) is yet to pass his driving test and his parents have been encouraging him to get it done asap. So earlier this year, I (f,26) wrote up a contract detailing how I will incentivise him different ways in the bedroom at each stage to keep him motivated, with the end goal being him passing the test obviously. After the lovely Christmas lunch with his extended family, many of whom I met for the first time, I decided to take my anti-anxiety medication to calm down a little bit and to enjoy myself a bit more. This is where I fucked up.. We went back to the dining room for some desserts and after, some of us, including my boyfriend and I, went to the lounge to chill and chat a bit. The topic of his driving test came up with his mom telling his uncle that I was helping him. To which, my medicated self, replied, we have a contract in place that I cannot share the details of and smiled. At this point, I didn’t hear this (thank you, medication), but according to my boyfriend who was giving me a wtf look, his mother said “sexual favours? What do you think we were born yesterday?” And started laughing between herself and his uncle. She then also went on to say “if that doesn’t work, whip him” to me. I, at this point, realised I fucked up and said I had two sips of wine (I don’t drink for medical reasons) and started mumbling. My boyfriend was laughing while giving me a wtf look so we said we’d talk about it later. TL;DR (edited) Took my anxiety medication, loudly told my boyfriend’s mother that I would do sexual favours for him when he passed his driving test.

TIFU by sending my spiritual friend tentacle hentai

This happened about an hour ago. Back in 2019, I decided to start taking a yoga class. I met this woman in class who was cool, and best of all, we share a birthday - today, Christmas day. She's been real awesome about supporting my struggle with being a Christmas baby and me not wanting to share my birthday with Jesus. She told me, "You're not Christian and you're not a capitalist, so you don't have to celebrate Christmas." It was exactly what I needed to hear. This friend is highly spiritual - she has a guru and is vegan, all that. We would talk after yoga class. And then the pandemic hit and there were no classes and we stopped communicating, except on our birthday. I would text her the same thing each year: "It's that day - Happy birthday!" and she would text "Happy birthday!" back. I loved that it was always the same text exchange, so I would simply copy it from last year and paste it and send it. This afternoon, I did my annual ritual, except I missed the copy step. So when I hit paste and sent, it was my last copy, which was a screen shot of some tentacle hentai I was looking at last night when I couldn't get to sleep. And there's certainly been worse hentai - it's quite mild, really - but it's the first text she's gotten from me in a year. Out of nowhere, on her birthday, on Christmas day, here's a bunch a tentacles having their way with a big-titty girl. Ugh..... I haven't heard back since I sent it, and since I never see her irl, I'm just going to hope that I never do. Tl;dr: Went to send my friend a birthday greeting and sent a screencast of tentacle hentai by accident instead.

TIFU by knocking myself out

This happened last night actually. We’re having fun and going at it and try a new position. Usually in this position he’s the one doing the thrusting, but this time it was me. He’s standing behind me and I’m bent over with my hands against the wall. Instead of him thrusting I’m thrusting back. Reverse doggy basically. Well I got too into it and hit my head against the wall too hard and knocked myself out. I woke up to him on the phone just balling his eyes out. Apparently he thought I died and called 911. Told dispatcher I was fine just got a bit carried away but they still sent a cop over. The cop comes by gives my boyfriend a weird look cause his eyes are red and looks at me. I tell him everything is fine it was just a misunderstanding. It was all extremely embarrassing TL;DR I knocked myself out during sex and my man thought I died and called the cops Edit: I appreciate all the dms and comments about head trauma. I’m ok. Also, get the fu$& off my man. It was a moment of panic because he thought he hurt me. Back off.

TIFU by accidentally cooking the turkey upside down

I don’t really think this is a huge deal but all of the older people in my family are freaking out at me. I was in charge of cooking the Christmas turkey for the first time this year so I got up early, seasoned it, and put it in the oven. I’ve been basting every hour or so and I just pulled it out of the oven. Then my mom and grandma started freaking out because I cooked the turkey breast side down. I genuinely didn’t know that there was a right side up for cooking a turkey. It is thoroughly cooked and it’s not burnt or anything but they are acting like I ruined Christmas. Now they are saying that they can’t trust me to do anything and I’m completely incompetent. They are trying to figure out where to get a turkey in a hurry since this one is ruined. I was in the middle of baking a cake but now I’ve been ejected from the kitchen until it is time for me to do the dishes (usually the people who cook the meal don’t have to do dishes in my family). TLDR: I cooked the turkey upside down and now I’m banned from the kitchen Update: The guys of the house and I ate the turkey and it was genuinely the best turkey I ever had! The ladies sat there glaring the whole meal and refused to touch anything I made. I helped with dishes just to keep the peace since I’m home from college for another almost 2 weeks. Many lessons were learned today and I am probably going to cook the turkey upside down for the rest of my life!

TIFU by not getting my wife a Christmas present

My son was in the hospital for 3 months, in a city several hours away. My wife and I took turns staying with him. He nearly died multiple times. It was the hardest scariest time of my life. I had pre-ordered my wife a Christmas present that was supposed to be done and shipped by mid-December. It was not. We came home early December. My son is ok but needs a lot of therapy and PT amongst other things. We are broke. Multiple major appliances broke down and had to be replaced when we were dealing with this crisis. We were able to stay in the hospital, but the travel and food costs were a lot. I was emotionally exhausted and paralyzed. Really I still am, but so is she. I kept telling myself the gift would ship. Her mother sent some packages. I flat out lied to myself and made excuses to not have to make this difficult choice. Christmas morning comes and there is literally nothing for my wife to open. Even her mother sent combined presents which my daughter promptly opened. And in the meantime my wife got something thoughtful for everyone. She says it is ok and seems in a good mood. She says the best Christmas gift is to have our son home. Of course she’s right about that, but I still feel like a flaming asshole. TL;DR I made a lot of excuses not to have to make a difficult search for a gift for my wife, because we’d just been through a traumatic experience and it was too hard. But she managed to do a really good job buying gifts for everyone regardless and I’m a jerk.

TIFU by playing with my wife's Titsubishi

As usual, I need to start with the obligatory this didn't happen today, but 24 hours ago. I was laying in bed with my wife last night, and I decided to attempt to stimulate her nipples. This has always been a thing with our relationship that ends with her getting annoyed, and this night was different. She pawed me away, asking why I can't avoid the nipple and just play focus on stimulating around the nipple adea. This proceeds to me grabbing her breast, and driving it around like a Matchbox car, eventually stating "It's a Titsubishi". She ended up putting her head in her hands, asking what she's done wrong and shaking her head as she went to sleep. Needless to say, I don't think I'm getting any Honka truck for Xmas. TL;DR Titties aren't Tonka trucks.

TIFU by getting my CG jacket (AirPods, keys, office-pass) stolen at a bar by tourists

Got my jacket stolen at a bar around 3am. Thanks to my AirPods I was able to backtrack the thieves (tourists). [https://preview.redd.it/c7xcbkbmfx7c1.jpg?width=585&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=83be6503f2e0c6958588b0f6246c9c2d6214b160](https://preview.redd.it/c7xcbkbmfx7c1.jpg?width=585&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=83be6503f2e0c6958588b0f6246c9c2d6214b160) Followed them in an Uber to their hotel. Couldn't do anything since I was on a private property, so I waited in the lobby till the next day ±2pm, hoping the jacket would show up. After a few calls and back & forths with the police and local officers, they agreed to come to the hotel and help out. Looking back at the camera's, the hotel manager was able to find the room they were staying in. Police went in, arrested one of the guys (which missed his flight the next morning). Most importantly, I got my jacket back. What an adventure it was, didn't close an eye for 2 days straight - in a role of a detective. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ My first contact with the police was outside of the bar. Was tracking the thief's location, sharing the info with them f2f, while they were talking to the colleagues in the neighborhood. There were 6 police officers nearby from what I understood - yet they still couldn't/didn't approach the thieves before they entered their hotel. If they had done that, what comes next could all have been mitigated. After that, I called the police again in the morning, while I was still in the hotel's lobby. They came to the hotel, and basically told me they can't do anything. I did create a ticket on their portal and from then on I called them maybe 10-15 times. Putting some pressure on them. When I went back home (different city, 35km away), I saw the thieves heading towards the Dam square in Amsterdam, so I called police again and gave them real-time locations. They connected me to a local officer, but he also told me he couldn't do anything. At that moment, I understood I couldn't rely on the police. So I took things in my own hands. I headed back to the hotel with a date this time, ordered gin tonics and pizza (delicious surprisingly) and watched people entering the building (since location showed the thieves were still outside). Then I noticed a guy, kinda short. The jacket was too big for him and you could notice that. Walked up towards him, while checking him out - from a distance. Mind you, I put a hat on, left all my jewellery at home, for them to not recognize me from the bar. All three started acting weird at that point, and went from the coffee machine, straight towards the elevator. At that moment I knew what time it is. Told the hotel manager my story, asked to confirm the lift cameras, which he did. Called the police but told them to not come, so I would solve the problem myself (reverse psychology 😄), which the lady on the phone said "Oh, don't worry! You have a lot of information and proof, I will send police officers your way. Don't approach the guys". Police came, we went to a private room where I explained the story for the 100th time and they made the plan how to tackle this situation. The manager found the room, police went in - all 3 guys jumped from their beds, scared shitless, and the rest is history. TLDR; I was playing a detective for a day, locating and identifying the thieves who stole my jacket. Chasing the police and after a few failed attempts, they finally came to help out and arrest the guy.

TIFU Not getting my wife a Christmas present

It's been coming for a while now, but today it really hit me. We recently moved to a new country and it's been a bigger financial burden than what we initially thought. We just started recovering until the festive season rolled in and some in laws came to visit. So as we hosted the family at our small appartment in the new country, we started counting out how much money we have left for everything. As part of the agreement with the family, we put in a small limit for Christmas presents as the majority of the gifts were ment for our daughter. So eventually we calculated everything and it became clear that we needed to buy a couple of gifts and we didn't have enough from last month's pay, so we decided we will go to the shops last minute and get everything. But as faith had it, everyone fell ill and we didn't leave the apartment for 4 days. So today is Christmas and everyone basically got a gift or so, but my wife didn't get anything. Now I feel like the worst husband under the sun. How the hell can you recover from this!? TL;DR Moved to a new country and never got my wife a Christmas present.

TIFU by looking through my parents old camcorder

before i start, no this post is not a joke, it is not bait, this is a serious post. back before the age of phones or whatever my dad used this early 2000s camcorder called a sony der-sr45, i looked it up and it came out around 2008 or so. back when i was pretty young (around 5-8 years old) he used to record my school plays, recitals, stuff like that, so there's a bunch of videos of young me. i asked my dad about the camcorder and he said ever since he got a phone he's stopped using it so if "i can find a way to get it charged i can have it". i ended up finding the charger and i fiddled around in the settings before finding out how to shoot a video, i filmed like a quick 5 second video and put the camera away to charge until after dinner. i ate dinner and went back upstairs to my room to check the other vids of the camera. as i was scrolling through old videos i see a thumbnail of something weird and like tan in color with thin black lines running through it. i open it up and i hear someone fumbling around with it before i see a woman with black hair come into frame. my fucking mom. i just sit there with my mouth open out of utter shock as i watch her give my dad a yk what, im not gonna go into further details but i fast forwarded thru the whole thing cuz i dont wanna watch that obviously 😭😭😭 im never gonna tell them about this i just wanted this camcorder to record vids of my car 💀merry christmas to me ig 🥲 TL:DR found my parents s3x tape on an old camcorder my dad gave me, forever traumatized

TIFU by ignoring my “black (iris) eye” problem for years

So I was born with dark brown eyes, and in my younger pictures, you can see that they are brown if the flash is REALLY in them but otherwise they look black. In high school we were doing genetic experiments and stuff (don’t remember the specifics) but part of it included taking up close pictures of our eyes with flashlight on. I remember my eyes looking completely black, and even my teacher was a bit confused since black eyes don’t exist. I never really thought of it again after that. WHY DIDNT I EVER THINK TO GET IT LOOKED AT. I even have really bad symptoms and stuff and still ignored it. Anyway, fast forward to now and I’m studying abroad and I get an eye test here since I can’t afford to get them in the US. They were offering them for free at the university and we’re gonna give us up close pictures of our eyes. My friends thought it would be fun and I could kinda prove that my eyes are super dark. They are VERY confused because my pupils are very very dilated, and not reacting to light. There’s a thin outer layer of dark dark brown so that’s how they know. I have like 5 appointments to go to after Christmas so we’ll see how that goes. They think it was caused from one of the concussions I got when I was young lol They think I might have permanent damage that’s gotten really bad (I thought I just had an astigmatism that was getting worse and chronic headaches). There’s supposed to be precautions and safety wear for ppl with pupils like this. TLDR: I thought I just had black eyes, but my pupils are actually (likely permanently) blown likely from childhood head trauma.

TIFU by not applying standard saftey techniques while with wife.

Me (m32) and my wife (f32) were getting intimate for Christmas eve. Started out with her on top, and thinking I am some kind of Johnny Sins, decided to pick her up to switch to missionary position, except when I went to pick her up, I completely done it at the wrong angle, and felt an electric like tingle in my lower back. I knew right then I had goofed, because I SEVERELY strained my back in February this year. Talking about had to turtle and log roll in severe pain to get out of bed, but I believe this is just a mild strain, because I was able to power on thru and finish the job, and able to get out of bed with some painful but fair ease, but it's definitely going to be a rough Christmas morning when having to lift and load up gifts. Lesson relearned, lift with your legs and not with your back. 🤦🏻‍♂️ TL;DR Use all OSHA saftey standards during sexy time.

TIFU by impulsively buying a Lego set

So my boyfriend and I decided to go to the mall today after having Christmas Eve lunch and we passed by the Lego store. Funny enough, I promised myself that I wouldn’t buy a Lego set this year because I needed to save money, but then I go in and saw this cool PAC-MAN Lego set and went, “fuck it, money comes and goes” and bought it. We then go back to my place, and my little brother sees this Lego set that I bought and suddenly started laughing hysterically. A few minutes later, my brother goes and tells my bf something and they both started laughing. I asked what was up and they go “it’s an inside joke”. Then, my mom sees my purchase and gets all upset at me, saying that Lego is a waste of money and that I shouldn’t have bought it. She told me not to open it and that I had to return it on Boxing Day. My boyfriend sets my mother aside and they have this private conversation while I am so confused as to wtf just happened. My dad saw this Lego set and told me to return it as well. Meanwhile, I felt so embarrassed that I bought myself this Lego set since everyone, including my boyfriend, were all of a sudden so against me buying it Welp. Turns out my brother and mom went to the exact same mall the very same day, went into that exact same Lego store, and bought me the exact same Lego set. Edit; turns out it was also cashed out by the exact same cashier. S/o to cay for giving our family awesome service. Tldr; I bought a Lego set. My entire family were very upset at me for getting the Lego set and wanted me to return it. Turns out, they bought me the exact same Lego set for Christmas.

TIFU by letting my kid have a massive dose of caffeine.

To start off: yes the kid is ok and yes i called poison control. So my 10yo kid had been begging me for one of those Cirkul water bottles. It’s a water bottle that has cartridges that you sip through and it’s supposed to last for 6, 20oz bottles of water through it. i bought a bunch of cartridges to go with it and avoided the ones that said “CAFFEINE” on the front. what i didn’t know, was that there were others that had hidden caffeine, equivalent to a few mountain dews or an energy drink. my kid came bursting into my room FREAKING OUT at 1am saying “i’m dying i’m dying i’m going to die!”. i had no idea wtf was happening. i thought it was a nightmare or something. then they started complaining about symptoms like racing heart and vibrating skin and diarrhea and i got worried. i asked what they had eaten/drank. they told me they just opened a new cartridge of the water and had 2 bottles of it. i pulled the box out of the trash and was terrified when i saw the caffeine content in small print below the ingredients list. i thought it was just flavored water! it wasn’t coffee or anything! since it’s a cartridge i had no clue how much was ACTUALLY consumed. we called poison control and we figured out the entire amount of caffeine in the cartridge and realized the entire thing wouldn’t be deadly, just uncomfortable. it was a LONG night. 0/10 do not recommend these things. tl;dr do not buy Cirkul water bottles for young children

TIFU for not thanking my new boss

So I started a new job earlier this year. With 2 owners who are nothing like I have ever worked for. Very complimenting and always helping. I grew immensely in my field and this year for christmas they gave me a big gift; Large bottle of my favourite liqour, chocolates, travel bag and a very nicely filled envelope.(I didn't open till I was home). I thanked them multiple times for everything and went home for my christmas holiday. I was exctatic when I got home and showed everything to my girlfriend thinking all was well. Next day my boss texted me: "you didn't throw away the card did you?" At this point I knew I f'd up since I didn't text him to thank for the money. He asked if I got the bonus and wondered why he didn't hear anything from me. I apologized and thanked him for the amazing gift again and for everything they did this year. Now I just feel like an asshole for not texting them with a simple thank you, meanwhile my other coworker did a nice post on social media with his xmas gifts and thanking them in it. Don't really know how to make it right when we go back to work. ​ TL;DR Got an amazing gift for xmas, didn't thank my bosses.