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yeah lord
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speaker1
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session_152a3f03
yeah
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speaker2
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no it's it's uhhh yeah i don' i don't you know i i don't think it's gonna be a big deal i i really kind of d doubt that michelle will will be ready to go ummm you know she was already talking about sort of middle of september ummm in the beginning of the spring
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speaker1
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oh goodd yeah but she's because she can she's got more leeway than you i think yeah
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speaker2
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i
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speaker1
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know
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speaker2
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in the larger scme
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speaker1
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if they don't tenure you we'll sue them
69.34
speaker2
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we won't sue them but anyway it'll work out but anyway i'm i'm so i'm i i mean i caught myself today just getting a little sort of
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speaker1
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edgy yeah well look ummm
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speaker2
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but but
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speaker1
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if you change your mind and you want to just come right up to windsor and ummm fness the move we can do that
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speaker2
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no i don't want to do that i don't want to do that it'll because i it'll be better to do the move right away anyway because i'm i you know i can't come home and go right to work i just can't you'll
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speaker1
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be exhausted yeah yeah
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speaker2
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and i won't want to do it i won't be able to concentrate
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speaker1
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right whereas we can do things
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speaker2
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spending together time together
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speaker1
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and moving and moving in yeah
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speaker2
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all
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speaker1
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right well ummm i i guess we'll have to figure out our respective movements when when it gets closer but i'm going to ummm ashehfvield with greg tomorrow and ummm well greg and jun uhhh junco and the kids are leaving for japan tomorrow and ummm uhhh greg's going to go up on a hiking trip with a friend but he's going to ummm stop by asheville to drop off the dogs so he can take me and the baby up and then i'll maybe come back down with him he's coming back down i guess ten days later i mean he's not staying the whole time but he'll come back the last weekend of the month i think they said and then go back down to new york and he can probably take us then because it's gotten to be i just moving on my own is just very very difficult
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speaker2
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ummm
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speaker1
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well and i'm going to try and get back to work on my paper which is just ridiculous but i'm going to make an effort finishper
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speaker2
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yeah
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speaker1
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although you know ky classes start really early
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speaker2
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that's true
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speaker1
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that's a good point i should really use those shouldn't i i haven't loed lined up any child care yet i'm being really flaky about it and i know i'm going to hate myself later you know i really ought to take the semester off but did i tell you this is the last year of the javits it's not for sure yet but
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speaker2
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ummm
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speaker1
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but they've sent kuny a letter saying that the president did not ask for funding for it in his budget and it looks quite doubtful that the senate is going to want to put it back in ummm so that keeney thinks that this is the last year of it so i'm reluctant to take a semester off considering that it i would only then have one semester left
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speaker2
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well anyway you know this is not going to i mean apart from the tenure the book this is not going to be a killing term for me i'm only teaching one class and i've taught it before uhhuh so you know and and i
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speaker1
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well once your ten year file goes in i'll be ready to believe that but until you get it in i i don't think you should have i think you should have
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you
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speaker1
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know you should not be cutting corners on putting that file together that's like critical for us so i don't want you to f i don't want you to take on a a lot of extra stuff at the beginning because it doesn't make sense believe me dear once you get tenure i will have no mercy especially because you're going to be away every summer you're really going to have to do a lot of you're going to have to take a lot of responsibility during the year to make me feel like things are at all equal but not this not immediately this semester just because you that you know you've you've got a child now you've got to get tenure
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oh
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speaker1
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god it
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speaker2
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was
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speaker1
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horrible was horrible i can't i was so tense and the baby was so unhappy and i think she just i think that's what it is because the minute i got here i relaxed completely and she's been just an angel
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yeah
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speaker1
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i know it does yeah it was awful you know we may get cut off at some moment so if we do you know i'll i'll call you when i get to ashfield ummm it was just awful they i was stuck up on that hill they only had the legend and i had i they kept telling me i didn't need to rent a car which i absolutely did ummm so anyway i didn't have my own transportation they were buying a house they have now bought a house
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speaker2
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they
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speaker1
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were completely stressed out they had finished looking by the time i got there but they were debating they were making trying to make an offer and alexis you know has no confidence about this and he had the most ridiculous realtor you've ever seen ummm and uhhh he hated owning property and he and he could only buy a house for three hundred and thirty thousand dollars which was about half of what he wanted to spend and ummm he was a wreck and then joel showed up jema was there and mom was picking on jma like she always does even though jeemma's a doll joel then turned up the day after i arrived and drove us mad drove us crazy he was more obnoxious than he's ever been
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speaker2
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well
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speaker1
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jemma said so
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speaker2
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i
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speaker1
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think you do
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speaker2
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does
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speaker1
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i think you do but he really was he really was a pain in the neck and jemma said it's because his girlfriend just dumped him ummm but anyway so mom and alexis were freaking out because of that but they have no ability to set any limits you know so like they can't say to joeel look you know go away for a while or i mean she couldn't say to judith no they can't come that week that you know and and we were supposed to go out to dinner one night and they showed up unexpectedly they were supposed to be out they' had gone to the grand canyon we didn't expect them back and they showed up unexpectedly and you know they mom and alexis couldn't could not bring themselves to say we're taking claire out to a nice dinner see you later this is our only evening with her you know we want to have some time with her they couldn't bring themselves to say that but they were so upset that he'd come back that they that the evening was just like a complete it was painful and we went to a different restaurant a cheap restaurant i mean it was it was just painful and i i felt so pissed off because you know there i was expecting a family vacation i it was supposed to be a family vacation and it was like it was like so stressful i mean i don't know i didn't know why i had bothered to go and then you know eve eve and seth were down in their house and mom's all of her energies seemed to be going towards protecting eve from too many distractions because eve had to work so you know there was you couldn't go to eve's house or you couldn't you couldn't ask eve to have joel and jemma for a night although she was perfectly capable of having guy and jenny for a night i was furious and then guy came and he was kind of a jerk you know he was kind of harsh with me and ummm you know just sort of not very sensitive and didn't want to help with joel and gemma at all we finally made him take them out for an afternoon i mean it was all just an you know just ridiculous and it and it wasn't so great with eve either she she said she wanted to spend a day with me so i set aside the so you know i set aside the day she told me and it what it came down to was my going to her hairdresser with her and sitting there while she talked to her hairdresser for an hour and a half and then going out to lunch with her and her babysitter who brought the baby to meet us and i thought that the reason the babysitter was staying for lunch was because she would then take the baby away again but at the end of lunch eve just told her to go home so we'd have this we'd have this two hour lunch with a babysitter and then we had like half an hour to go into some shops and that was the end of the day and it was like i mean it was almost like she was protecting herself from spending time with me and it was really weird ummm and then they wanted to borrow the baby born for their h they're taking emma on a they're on a camping trip right now with the baby and i got kind of peeved and i decided i wasn't going to lend it to them i just didn't want to
588.19
speaker2
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well
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speaker1
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i i i haven't used it on long island although i did think i was going to
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speaker2
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yeah
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speaker1
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yeah but i was like forget it i'm going land this thing
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speaker2
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well could could you enroll in two other courses if you wanted to in addition to the one you're already in are there two other things that you'd also like to take for example
14.62
speaker2
0
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i don't know what the limit is for i know there's a limit for students who i a a limit for what you know i'm thinking a lot about this job that i just took that you know you seem to think is a dead end and obviously doesn't make enough money and you know i don't know i'm going to like it
35.15
speaker1
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you
36.19
speaker2
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don't know that going into a job there's
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speaker1
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i understand that i understand that you've taken it and that's made a big
42.55
speaker2
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mistake
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liz i can't tell you whether you did or not was lousy
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speaker2
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and i was trying for the longest time to figure out what to do
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speaker1
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liz liz i don't know whether you made a mistake or not i can't possibly tell and i and i i don't even have enough information to say whether you did or not and you will find out and if it's a huge mistake you'll just quit that's all you have no way of knowing did you tell the public health people that you definitely don't want that job oh i
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speaker2
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didn't tell them anything
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speaker1
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oh okay is that is that really such an awful job sounded to me like a lot of interesting things sounded to me like too much but it sounded like a very interesting set of things is that something you definitely did would not want to do you had said that was an you would you had said that was an easier job in some ways actually i don't
94.91
speaker2
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think so anymore because i think that it's too many things
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speaker1
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are are you going to have to for either one of them are you going to have to spend hours preparing outside of the hours that you actually get paid for
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speaker2
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i don't know yet
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because i don't think that that would be warranted at at at the salary that they're giving you i i think that you ought to be able to circumscribe your hours very carefully
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speaker2
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i just leave this call yesterday from this i mean i it was on a message on my machine when i came home from this nurse at a high school nearby saying i should call her about openings in the district that she called me because of one of the letters i wrote to one of the principals oh yeah
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speaker1
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who
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speaker2
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knows what kinds of openings are umum umum
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speaker1
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session_1fab30ef
but see i know how opening you know when i was in graduate school i i spent a lot of time in my last year of college thinking about whether wanted to go into biophysics or wanted to teach little kids and i i know it was obviously because what i really wanted to do was go into biophysics but also have my own little kids but i went into biophysics by the end of the year i'd met daddy and i decided that was going to be it i really wanted to it i really daddy was really going to be the one i got very unhappy with the science and i just walked out of one lab and i said no this is it i just don't want it i wanted to be teaching little kids because daddy was at that point non committal to say the least and ummm and he was also leaving for syracuse and so friend of mine sat down with me wayne myers and he said he was a very braight guy he was the one i cried whose shoulder i cried on when i took dexadron that time too for the doctor had given it to me for cramps and i ended up getting ummm depressed for twenty four hours ummm and he said to me you really want to change i said yeah i really want to go he says well' take the bus across the river this afternoon because i had already applied and been accepted to the i mean it went so far that i i applied both to biophysics and to ummm harvard school of ed and i didn't apply to any other ed schools because i figured i could get in in there which i had and i went across the river that day and i said can i get into your next year's class and they said absolutely and i mean by then it was like may certainly april certainly april not not not earlier and i remember moma saidy was upset about it but everybody knew why i was doing it and everybody k it it was obvious even to daddy why i i just had to i had to do that for a while i couldn't just study science for a while and i was twenty two twenty one and and ummm yeah i guess i was twenty two already ummm and ummm and and and i i it it's it's not any rational kind of thingless it's hormonal it's absolutely hormonal i mean here you are you're thirty and it's no wonder it's no wonder that that that you don't know what you want to do i didn't know what i wanted to do at that stage well i did but it was out of reach and for you it's obviously out of reach too unless it works out with matt you haven't met him and therefore i'm i'm i i i'm disappointed in how you're going about it because i don't see i don't see i mean i i i i i've i've known so many people who didn't get married and so many people who got married too late to have children it's very sad i find it very sad i didn't expect that i would be in this position with my children well actually i expected it with jonathan i expected to worry about him not you because he was very slow socially and and and you know you never can tell with life there aren't any rules about it and uhhh th nobody's nobody's written the the future and it's not really it's it's uhhh prayer and uhhh uhhh penitence doesn't really help it's going happen things are going to happen when it happen they happen but you have to there there are ways to help them along there are ways to help them along and maybe you're doing them but i don't see it i know you went out with some guy the other night may maybe you are looking actively but i i don't see it so all i can do is sit and worry and be concerned and i don't think that you talk
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speaker2
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about the job things now
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speaker1
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that oh what about the job things i i can't talk about them i don't know anything about them you want to tell me about them well you don't like
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speaker2
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the job i just took
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speaker1
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now wait a moment don't well daddy says they're less important than the other stuff and i agree but don't tell me i don't like the job you just took lizy i don't know enough about it you know i raised you and i i thought i was maybe
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speaker2
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i can find ten hours in the school district doing something else
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speaker1
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maybe you can i it's it's that would be that would be interesting if you know you have hours during the week that are available don't don't don't block them out until you find out whether or not you can take a a an art course during the week so that you can have your i mean i you know i'd like to see you flying down to ummm where was it that they had that hiking group san francisco for the for the weekends
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speaker2
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i want to fly out to michigan and visit maunt that's where i want
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speaker1
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to fly i'd like to see you do that too
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all
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speaker1
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i want is your happiness liz and i think i know what will make you happy well
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i just want to figure out what i want to do with my life you know i feel like i'm never gonna figure it out lizzie
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speaker1
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you might not i haven't figured out mine yet
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speaker2
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you're a scientist
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speaker1
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i'm a scientist liz that's a pretty poor showing for a scientist are
463.95
speaker2
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you kidding look how many days you go into the lab
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speaker1
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i know look what i've published one paper so
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speaker2
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who cares about publishing
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speaker1
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session_1fab30ef
well that's what otherwise otherwise i i'm i'm cooking and nobody's eating it it's it's recycling it's it's work working that nobody nobody ever knows about that's not what defines me as a person what defines me as a person is is is my family
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speaker2
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and your failure daughter
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that's what i'm feeling sad about at the moment yeah
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speaker2
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i just i'm not going to be able to figure out what i wanted to do i just didn't know i thought this might be interesting okay and and
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speaker1
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that's fine i don't that's not my big that's not my big worry about you liz
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speaker2
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but it it's it's mine and i feel like i didn't know what to do and then i feel like i took it and now i feel like it's a mistake and now well
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speaker1
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session_1fab30ef
i'm i'm telling you i'm telling you it's hormonal it's not rational you don't just all of a su the heavens don't open up as gib wrote and and all of a sudden you know just what you're going to do if you define yourself that way you're you're you're you're you're you're looking for trouble you i'm
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speaker2
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putty dutting around for the rest of my life and i don't even have like i don't have any specific skills or body of knowledge i'm just sort of this blob lizzy
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speaker1
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session_1fab30ef
lizzy the mo lizzy daddy feels that way too he feels he doesn't know anything everybody feels that way you just have to get used to that you wanna to count your degrees you want to count the courses you've had you want to count the work you've done the jobs you've had that's nonsense everybody if i were a
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speaker2
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teacher then i would you know when i taught say health science and art then i would sort of get this body of knowledge that i would have andzz structure to it and
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speaker1
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session_1fab30ef
the yeah yeah lizzy lizzy lizzy that's a dream it never happens and i can tell you people at all levels the only people who really think they know something are the people who usually are deficient when you don't know how to have a
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speaker2
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specific set of skills i don't even feel like i have that sometimes you know it's like what i have to offer i don't have anything to offer
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speaker1
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yeah beca w w w because you because you can't ummm and luzy lucy everybody feels that way who's worthing salt do you know that what
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ummm so miriam has written here
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