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I broke up with him three weeks ago because I felt that he needed to be more respectful. He has since had a rebound relationship. He says he loves and misses me but refuses to see me. He says it's going to be too difficult to see me. Every time we talk, it feels like I'm being pushy to see him. He used to be so madly in love with me, but now, it seems like he couldn’t care less. I think I'm running him away.

Hi Kansas,I think your first instinct was good; you broke up with him. You deserve respect, but right now you're not acting as if you deserve it when you push to see him as he's moving on with a new relationship. It's appropriate now for you to respect that relationship and listen to what he says he wants, which is space. Do you think he's going to be any different with her? This a common, unfounded fear we have. I wonder if maybe you miss the feeling of being in love and having a partner more than you miss him. The bottom line is you can't make someone love you, and you can't make someone be loving towards you, because how someone treats you (and the choices they make) has everything to do with who they are, and nothing to do with who you are. I hope you gather support from others and move on in hope and strength for your own future.

My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face.

How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor!

I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child. The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she can’t help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought.

Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best.

I crave attention, companionship, and sex. She has had a hysterectomy, and she has a bad knee.

Hi Hampton,Although I'd bet your wife also wants the attention and companionship, it seems that there are a few barriers in your sexual relationship right now. I also would bet that there are things that your wife would like from you. This is a very common issue; two people with different sexual drives or needs. If you both want the relationship to improve, a couple's therapist who works in sexuality is a great idea; it's a complex picture that you've only given us a glimpse of.In the meantime, you can try a few things: have compassion for your wife. She's in pain and this may preoccupy her. Sex may be uncomfortable for her. She needs understanding. You need understanding too, right?  Help her to see that you're not just angry, but lonely and hurt; it might affect how you see yourself as a man. Showing her irritability or anger might push her farther away.There are many ways to be close, intimate, and sexual that don't involve intercourse. You might want to explore some of these things and reassure her that you won't pressure her to have intercourse. Find out what your wife's wishes and ideas are. You might be surprised.These things take time to address, especially if they've been years in the making. I do recommend seeing that therapist. Relationships are very complex and it takes time to explore all the layers and barriers to change. Best of luck.

My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Year’s Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.

Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason.  Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as "feeling like crap" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her  partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!

I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

First off, it is great that you recognize that some changes need to be made. It is also really good that you understand where the source of your anxiety and stress comes from. Fortunately there are many self help books and internet sources that provide free tools to help you cope with life's obstacles, including anger management. There are several strategies that you can try to help control your anger, but the ones that I would recomend first are the following:1. Try a different way of communicating with your parents. Since arguing with them is a great source of anger for you, learning more effective ways of communicating with them will likely be of great benefit. Choose a time to talk with them about "heated issues" when everyone is calm and emotions are not heightened. Use "I phrases" by telling them how the arguments effect you, as opposed to placing blame on them. Validate what you hear your parents say in order to allow them to know that you understand their point of view.2. When you feel yourself becoming angry, take a break. Simply excuse yourself from the situation, find a quiet place to be by yourself, and do some deep breathing. Close your eyes, slowly count to four as you inhale, and exhale even slower, counting to 6. Focus on nothing except for your breathing and do this for 5 minutes.3. Stop any negative thoughts in their tracks. Often times when we get upset, we catastrophize and do not see things clearly. When you catch yourself thinking negatively stop the thoughts and ask yourself if your thinking is logical and rational. If you cannot find much or any evidence that your thoughts are valid, then let them go and replace them with realistic, logical thoughts.4. Finally, find a friend or someone to talk to and/or keep a journal. Keeping your emotions to yourself will not help you. Being able to express your feelings and problem solve will allow for some relief when feeling sad or angry.I wish you all the best!

I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.  The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed. I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.  Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it. 

My boyfriend has a child he gets every other weekend. He goes to see her twice a week or more. Every time she leaves, he gets into these funks like when his mom died. When she’s here, she’s disrespectful, and his answer is “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” She swears and talks back, and he laughs. He and her mom have been apart for three years, and he blames her behavior on that and her being so young. We never have adult time when she’s not here. She’s the "golden child," and he won’t listen to anyone.

Hi Lockport, Building a relationship when there are already children involved is very tricky. You don't tell us whether you live together or not. If you do, your position is perhaps more difficult, because his daughter's behaviours affect you; you live in the home. A bottom line for me is you don't tell someone else how to parent. That's for your boyfriend to decide. When he's there, he's the parent, and he makes the decisions about how she is disciplined (or not). Even if you have good ideas or you completely disagree, or you think you see something that he's not seeing, it's simply not for you to interfere there. It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling emotionally and needs support. He has had a lot of losses in his life and maybe every time his daughter leaves he feels powerless and abandoned. Do you talk about these things? Can you find that line of supporting him but not telling him what to do?Although I suggest you leave the parenting to him, what you can do is tell him what you see, offer suggestions if he's open to it, and talk about the ways in which the situation affects you. It makes sense to say "I see you struggling and I don't know how to help", "I've noticed that you seem afraid to discipline her. Are you aware that it's coming across this way? Do you need help?", or "I feel sad and frustrated when we don't spend any time alone together." You sound a bit resentful of his daughter. Is it possible that your real struggle is about whether you're ready to be in a relationship with a man whose priority is his child?You have a voice, and it's great to offer support and ideas and let him know how you feel. Ultimately, however, you are wise to accept this man as who he is and accept the situation for what it is, and make your own decision about whether you want to be a part of it. :)

I am so angry. I feel like the arguments with my parents have caused me so much anxiety and stress, and I don't know what to do. I want to sit down with a psychologist, but I cannot afford one, nor do I have my own health insurance. I can feel myself starting to get violent. I throw things of value when I start to get mad. I have punched holes in my wall. I can feel my aggression getting worse.

I'm sorry you have so many arguments with your parents.  Ideally parents are people who tolerate that their kids are people with their own unique characteristics.Everyone likes feeling loved by their parent.   Do you feel loved even though you and them have clashes?Anger is a symptom of a problem.The real question is knowing what feels like its being hurt inside of you.I agree with your idea of talking with a psychologist or some other type of licensed professional therapist.See if your area has a family service agency in it.  Generally the non-profit sectors offer sliding scale fees, and if you qualify, your cost per session would be financially comfortable for you.One possibility is to tell your parents that you'd like starting therapy because of feeling so much stress from the family arguing.They may very well be surprised to learn of your maturity in assessing your level of stress and be willing to make a positive contribution to this by offering to authorize therapy through their health insurance. They may even decide on family counseling so all of you work together to relate in more loving ways.Last, if you aren't ready to speak with your parents about wanting counseling, think about speaking to your school guidance counselor.  This person may have some recommendations for your specific geographic location.

Just wondering if this is a deviant act, and if I should be concerned for him. He isn’t quite 10.

Well it's certainly unusual, and potentially could be cause for alarm. It's a passive aggressive act if done intentionally, so I would wonder if this child is trying to say something.I think without any context, however, or sense of whether there are other signs of disturbance, it's impossible to say what's going on. If there are other signs of distress or very unusual behaviours, you might bring the child to someone who can assess him properly. 

I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. It’s unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?

Hi Calgary (Canada!),  Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best. 

My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for two years. We have an infant son. My fiancé also has a child from a previous relationship. We do not live together. I live with my mother currently while I get on my feet, and he's living with some friends. My mother and I have an awful relationship that is completely unbearable most of the time. We cannot even stand to be around one another while living in the same house. She has made it clear that she wants me gone. Recently, I was talking to my father who lives in a different state. My father and I have always had a good relationship. I explained to him the situation I am in with my mother, and he said he would like for me, my fiancé, and our son to come live with him and his wife. I would really love to go. I do not want my son to be in this environment with constant arguing and negativity any longer. There is nowhere else for me to stay while remaining in this state. The problem is my fiancé is refusing to move away with me because he does not want to leave behind his other child. He and his child's mother have a horrible relationship, and she would absolutely not be willing to let him visit if we moved away. I believe I would be doing what is best for my child by moving away, but I do not want to leave without my fiancé. I have already explained the situation to him, and he will not give in. Do I continue to stay in this negative environment with my child and keep our family together? Do I move away with my child and have my relationship end? I do not want to take him out of either of his kids’ lives. What do I do?

Hi Bethlehem,You have a big decision to make.  I appreciate your fiancé's need to stay close to his child and be a stand-up dad, and I am glad that you know your son needs an emotionally safe place.I'm a bit confused, because the obvious answer seems to be that you and your fiancé would get your own place together. I get that you want your dad to take care of all of you, but maybe it's time to take responsibility for your own future and start building it independently of either parent. I say that without knowing how old you are, but if you have a child and a two year relationship, you basically have declared your independence anyway.  I wish you the best.

Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.

Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life. The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person. First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like "No one will ever love me again?", or "I'm going to get hurt again", or "I can't trust myself"? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)

I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.

Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both!

I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression to some degree. Have you seen a therapist or talked to anyone about your problems? If not, I would advise that you do so sooner than later so that you can learn what is causing you to be unmotivated and causing difficulty with breaking the cycle that you are in. It is also a good idea to get a medical evaluation from your doctor to rule out any medical causes for your current condition. Most often, difficult situations that life throws at us, along with an inability to think positively, and break bad habits are what cause depression. Some things you can do immediately are seek help from a professional, schedule in time every day to engage in pleasurable (or once pleasurable) activities, exercise daily, and practice thinking more positively. Set a few daily goals for yourself and write them down each morning or the night before. Achieving your goals every day will give you a sense of accomplishment and can lead to feeling more optimistic and capable. Additionally, keep a journal to write down how you are feeling and what ideas you have to help feel better. Sometimes having these ideas written down make it more real and tangible. Know that depression is most often curable but takes work and a desire to change (which you clearly have). Once you start feeling better about yourself and your life, your grades should naturally begin to improve, as you will have more motivation and energy to focus on that particular area. Best of luck to you!

I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Back in August, he asked for us to step back for now. Since then, he has still been in contact with me every day. We spent some time together over the holidays, but then I was gone for New Years with family. I came to find out that he put himself on a dating site. When I found out, I asked him about it, and he responded with this: “My apologies if I got my signals crossed, or if I wasn’t honest with you. You have helped me tons this past year and I am glad you are in my life. I didn’t realize you were still interested in dating. Again, my apologies.” Also, is it better to say that I want him in my life or that I want him as part of my life?

It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only, casual dating, or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally prepared for a variety of responses from him so that there are no major surprises. By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion.

I am lazy. I am very aware of the problem and try to talk myself out of it all the time, but I never seem to shake the habits. I try to think of what it is doing to me and my future, but no matter what, I keep creating excuses for myself to continue the procrastination. All I'm ever left with is regrets and a low grade. I am at an all-time low in my life, and I'm not even that old. I've always been a straight-A student, but now I'm getting C's and F's, and it hurts me to know that I am way better than that. It's not even like the work is hard.

Possibly laziness is not the true problem and is only what appears as the problem.Since you describe your laziness as an observable quality, I assume you've not always felt or handled yourself this way.Quite possibly and more likely, the particular conditions of your current life are not ones that are optimal for feeling good about yourself and your involvements.One suggestion is to see if there is any purpose to what you're doing in all the areas in which you see yourself acting from laziness.If you're not able to notice any good purpose, then you may be mistaking "laziness" for a significant amount of stress in your life.Stress can be opened and understood.  If stress is what underlies what appears as laziness, then you define the contributors to your stress.Not feeling enough support in your life, financial uncertainty, arguments w people who are close in your life, feeling misunderstood overall or by particular people, all are possibilities.Good luck in learning more about who you are!

I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.

Instead of fighting about trust, is it possible for you and your wife to talk with other about areas which upset each of you?Whenever feelings are hurt, knowing what exactly is problematic and being heard and understood by the partner, goes a long way to building trust.These type of discussions are hard to have, and especially for the first time.  A lot of emotions arise and often people lose their conversation focus from this.If you and your wife have a tough time opening up to each other, consider scheduling time with a couples therapist.Just by each of you committing time to invest in the relationship will show faith in the relationship, and this may contribute to restoring trust.

I have an overwhelming desire to watch my wife have sex with another man. I talked to her about it, and she said she will do it for me. The idea excites me to no end, but I don’t want to because it disgusts me. How can I stop wanting it, or should I just give into it and do it? I’ve been struggling for years with this. It won’t go away. By the way, I am in my mid 30s and my wife is in her mid 40s.

Try to understand your own ambivalence to having your wish fulfilled.Since you and your wife are in a relationship, the sex she will have with another man will affect emotions in both you and your wife.I suggest you and her prepare emotionally before you both go ahead with the sexual arrangement,By anticipating any jealousy or feeling helpless or out of control, or in control, since it's your wish being fulfilled, all the feelings you and her are able to expect, you'll be more prepared for the actual emotions from the episode, which may also resolve your conflicted feelings about creating the event.There are a lot of unknowns in the situation you're considering.  Having your partner, who will be key in satisfying your sex wish, be active in understanding these unknowns, is a good way of keeping your relationship strong overall.

From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I’m thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don’t know if it’s me thinking. It never stops. I’ll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.

Does the voice in your head sound different or the same as your own voice when you talk to people and go about your usual daily life?There is a great big difference in the type of problem you're having if you feel the voice belongs to someone besides who you are.If you are hearing "self-talk" of turning over in your mind what goes on in your life, reflecting on alternatives either of what you would like to have done differently in a certain matter, or anticipating what you will do in a future situation, then the problem of the voice in your head may be from a high degree of stress or uncertainty in your life right now.Talking out loud can be a symptom of severe agitation, restlessness, loneliness, and a sense that you are not understood by other people.I would be as concerned about the voice in your head as I would be about the actual content of what the voice is talking about with you.

I'm a female freshman in high school, and this question is for my male best friend. At the start of freshman year, we dated for about a week before his parents ended it because they said he is too young to date. He has been dating a really sweet senior girl for a month or two. I have nothing against her except for the fact that she has Tim's heart. He is convinced that they are in love, and maybe they are, but I don't really believe him. Lately, Tim had been expressing concern about what is going to happen when Sally leaves for college at the end of term this year. He's been asking me to help him with Sally and what girls like to show her how much he loves her. But he's also been thinking about breaking up with her just so they won't have to deal with it when she leaves. He seems really torn up about it, and I want to know what to say to him and how to help him once she leaves. He knows that I still crush on him. He doesn't rub it in my face. He's a good guy, but I want to actually help him out and recover before we think about maybe another relationship between us. How do I do that when the time comes? How do I support him and show him that I'm here without wanting to hook up? How do I make him feel better? He is convinced he's never going to be able to love anyone ever again, which I think is ridiculous.

First off, I think it is great that you are willing and able to help out your friend with issues regarding his current relationship, despite the fact that you have feelings for him. I think that the best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him if he wants to talk about things. You can also help by presenting options that he has and help him weigh out the pros and cons of his decision, but ultimately he has to decide what to do. Know that you won't be able to heal the pain he feels when his girlfriend leaves but you can be a friend to him by simply listening, validating his feelings, and understanding. Regarding your question about being there for him without wanting to hook up....I'm not sure if that is possible. If you care for him on more than a friendship level, then that desire will likey be there for you no matter what. Be careful that you take care of yourself and don't jeopardize your own happiness while trying to help him with his issues. Good luck to you!

My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?

In situations like this, in most cases, he probably will not fill anytime soon. It's more of the fact that he isn't ready to give that life yet... Now if you probably pressured him about it then yes, he would probably give in.. But if it hasn't been a big issue anymore or something you guys aren't talking about, then right now.. Everything is on a hold.

From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I’m thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don’t know if it’s me thinking. It never stops. I’ll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.

I was violently raped by another women who was my friend of 13 years. I’m having bad flashbacks. I’m scared to sleep because I see it in my dreams. I don't leave the house because I have panic attacks.

I'm sorry for your suffering.There are therapy programs which help people to gradually feel more at ease so that daily living does not feel so frightening.Once you feel stronger and more secure from such a behavioral program, you'll be able to sleep more peacefully and leave the house whenever necessary to do your regular life.Then, you will be able to open and clear the deep emotional hurt that always occurs from being violated by a trusted friend.Sending good wishes in your work!

I'm in my early 20s. I’ve been married once, and he cheated on me. Ever since then, I've felt ugly no matter what. I'm engaged, and I still feel ugly. I don't like to take pictures of myself.

Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband.He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it.Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident?You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt.  It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now.As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband.

From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I’m thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don’t know if it’s me thinking. It never stops. I’ll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well.

First let's make sure that the voice is not one you hear outside your head and that it is not giving you commands.  If either are the case, please visit a psychiatrist for an accurate assessment.I believe you asking for some support in order to quiet your reactive mind (also called self-talk, automatic thoughts, mind talk, etc.)  When anxious, these thoughts tend to start racing.  The battle inside heats up even more when you start judging the thoughts themselves.  It sounds like the idea of the racing thoughts is giving you extra stress, and you have created a feedback loop.  In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), there are some excellent BEHAVIORAL interventions to break free.  Start by doing behaviors that are distracting, fun, and healthy, such as calling a friend, going to a movie, or getting some exercise.  You may also do behaviors that slow your heart rate like deep breathing and yoga.  It's amazing how well slowing the body can slow the mind.  There are many other behavioral techniques for calming the mind.  Pick up a mindfulness meditation book for more ideas.Then there is the COGNITIVE aspect of your question.  This is the idea of recognizing how the thoughts are distorted and to challenge them rationally.  For example, if you do some of the behaviors just mentioned and you get some benefit, your stated idea that "it never stops" may not be accurate.  And your comments that the thoughts are "weird" or "crazy" are arbitrary judgments that you are making against yourself.  These are examples of cognitive distortions.  By challenging them, you may slow down the chatter inside your head.Of course, my book LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, is filled with ideas for both behavioral and cognitive improvement.  I evan have a chart (p. 57) which shows the different characteristics of the "worldly voice" and the "sacred voice" inside.  Learn more about Living Yes at www.LivingYes.org.  You may also want to find a qualified CBT therapist in your town by searching the top clinicians who are listed on the www.AcademyofCT.org website.I hope you find peace soon.  Keep breathing calmly and get some rest.  ~Mark

I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!

My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults. Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe. This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, "repented" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home.

I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't "hit her enough to cause harm"?), but you're headed in the right direction. I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants. This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well.

I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.

Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it. When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking "how come I don't feel the same anymore?"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say "do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's? Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think "that's not what's happening". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly. I wish you happiness.

My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

If the daughters are old & mature enough to understand substance abuse.  They should be told for their own empowerment. KNOWLEDGE is their power of safety and protection.

I decided to stay and work it out. I just don’t want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and won’t leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch.

Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward. t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone. 

My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens. Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter "do this now", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say "let's get you dressed", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says "no". You can say "ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later." The choice is hers. Then follow through."When...then" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try "as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it. Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. Throughout the entire first day that we met, he and I had the opportunity to interact quite a lot and instantly sparked a deep connection with one another. That same night, he and a friend stayed over at my house (without my mom's acknowledgment) and we kissed. The next two days were a repetition of the first day. On the third night, my mother finally caught us, and I was kicked out of my house. I left with him of course, and we went from meeting each other to being like a married couple. It was very hard for us. His stepdad also kicked him out of his home, and we were staying at cheap hotels and friend's houses with the little money we had. I quit my job and dropped out of school because it was hard to do anything without a stable home. There were times when we had nowhere else to go but sleep in the car outside a Walmart parking lot. Our honeymoon stage, as they call it, probably only lasted one month. After that, it was a downward spiral. We were constantly arguing about money, food, and our families. We kept having the famous "you're doing it wrong—do it this way" argument. After six months, we moved across the country only to live the same thing, and that's when the violence started. One afternoon, after a serious argument, he got into his truck and threatened to leave me. I was frightened that he would actually go through with his word, given that we had just moved to a place where we knew no one. He told me to let him leave or he would hit me. He had once promised he would never touch me, so I challenged him to do it. He slapped me, and ever since that time, when we have serious fights, he loses control and hurts me. I haven't had the courage to leave him, and there's really nothing stopping me now. I don't live with him, I don't depend on him, and we don't have children. We both haven't been able to let go of that deep connection that we still have and that has been damaged so badly. He always apologizes, and at the beginning, he was more willing to change. Now he just wants me to understand why he does it and how I don't ever make the effort to try to be okay. I've read enough about domestic violence to know that it's not my fault that he loses control, so that's not even an issue for me. I know he has to change that on his own. I just want to know if there's people who have gone through this and had the tables turned? Is there hope for a better future together?

Hi Winters, I learned a long time ago that I can't ever predict who will change and who won't. I meet couples who seem to have all the ingredients but can't make it work, and others who have severe issues and they decide to make better decisions and things change. But in reading your story, the image of a slot machine came to mind. You're gambling your life away on the chance that this guy will change. Only you can decide how many years to give it. I see him giving you clear signs that he doesn't even believe in himself or want to change though. What are you waiting for?Although you say you know his behaviours aren't your fault, something tells me that you're hoping your love for him will turn the key that unlocks something and makes him want to change. It doesn't work that way. Just like the slot machine, you have no power to change him or make this work. You can only decide when you've paid too much. I bet there's someone out there who loves and misses you. He's not your only support. 

My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isn’t easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help.

New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

I’m a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?

This sounds like a really tough situation.  As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances.  If your parents are refusing to consider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adult about finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help.  

After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.

It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.

I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don’t like it because all of my friends enjoy it.

Although I am not entirely sure why you might be struggling in this area, an initial question I have is do you want to be sexually active at this time or is this something that you feel pressured into doing.?  If you feel pressured into being sexually active by your friends or boyfriend it is understandable that you want it to be over.  I would encourage you to ask your boyfriend to be patient with you at this time  until you figure out what is going on.  I encourage you to then think very deeply about what your reservations, if any,  about being sexually active.  Do you fear pregnancy?  Are there problems in the relationship?  Are you afraid of the emotional intimacy? Another question that comes to mind is whether or not you have any history of sexual activity that you did not consent to that might be getting in the way.   When these types of traumatic events occur,  people can essentially become triggered negatively by anything that reminds them of past trauma.  Such events can cause an aversion to sex even if there is now a loving relationship whom one wants to be sexually active with.  If this is the case I strongly recommend individual therapy to begin working through some of these issues. A final area that you might explore would be whether or not you are experiencing pain with penetration.  If so, I would recommend that you schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to rule out any type of medical issues that might be causing these problems.  Although pain can also be associated with emotional issues, it is always good to rule out possible physical causes.  I hope that these ideas help to point you in the right direction.  Take care.

My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

That's a good question. I would say learn to pick your battles. What types of behavior/situations can you let go of? If you allow yourself to worry about the various areas in life that you cannot control, you will find yourself stressed out and unable to manage everything. Know that toddlerhood comes with lots of "no's," tantrums, non-compliance, and a growing need for independence. When your toddler does something that you don't approve of, remain calm, explain to him/her the appropriate way to act, and model it for him/her. Remember to give your toddler praise when he/she does something good or acceptable. Be consistent and follow through with your instructions. Finally, know that you are not alone. Parenting comes with its set of challenges but all you can do is your very best. Good luck to you!

I love my boyfriend and everything that leads to sex, but when it comes to the actual penetration, I hate it. I don't know why, but I just want it to be over. I feel like crying. I don't know why I don’t like it because all of my friends enjoy it.

Does your boyfriend notice that you hate sex?If "yes", then it is a topic which the two of you would gain deeper understanding of each other, by discussing.If "no", then possibly one reason for hating sex is that your boyfriend doesn't notice who you are as a person, not simply a physical body engaged in sex.

Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.

Your fear is somewhat reasonable.  No one wants to be raped and I imagine everyone is afraid of what being raped would feel like.Do you mean that this fear is on your mind more often than you would like?If this is the case, then try understanding the reason behind your fear.Is it because you personally know or know of someone who was raped?  One general direction of what would help is to regain confidence in your decisions of keeping yourself safe.  The more you trust yourself to avoid social situations with lots of drinking, isolated physical surroundings, and being in isolated locations with someone with whom you're not very familiar, probably your fear will decrease.The other general direction to understand is if in your family history, people have been violated severely, either emotionally, mentally, or physically.In families in which people have suffered severe violations of themselves, often the emotional patterning of expecting to be hurt by others, plants itself very deeply and transmits to the younger generation.Its possible then, that you are suffering from fears established in other family members who have not yet been able to fully understand and accept their own suffering.The good news is that individual therapy, with a credentialed and licensed therapist, is ideal for a safe place to open and clear this type of emotional burden.

I have no idea what happened. I go places and do things but still feel lonely. I honestly have no friends, and I am always the one texting people and bothering people. I feel invisible, like someone that no one wants to be around.

A lot of times any and each of us creates what we need for ourselves by seeing other people as creating these circumstances and situations.Is it possible that at this time period in your life, being alone is positive for sorting through your true values or sorting through key situations in your life?If "yes", then possibly you are giving yourself some alone time, even though to some degree being alone is not your first choice.At the very least, since you aren't happy with being the one who texts others, then some alone time may encourage new thoughts and ideas creating more open space within you to attract other people who do enjoy texting you first.Also, most relationships are not forever.  Is it possible you are at a phase when some relationships are simply closing down so that you have clear space within your life for new and different activity?

My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child.Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed.Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too!

I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?

You are right on to recognize that the effects of trauma can be cumulative.  It is very possible that a car accident could lead to an increase in PTSD symptoms that were related to other traumatic experiences.If you have been deployed to a combat area, you are most likely eligible for free counseling services through the VA Vet Centers.  The Vet Center clinicians typically have a lot of experience working with military trauma. Here's a link to a directory of Vet Centers:http://www.va.gov/directory/guide/vetcenter.aspYour service and sacrifice is greatly appreciated. 

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in the way.  Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive ones.  Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from.

I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

I can imagine how incredibly difficult this must be for you. Having past traumatic experiences creap up on you without warning can be very scary and stressful. You may be suffering from symptoms related to post-traumatic stress disorder. Getting evaluated by a professional would be a good step to take next. By seeking treatment and having a therapist who you trust and can connect with, you will gain the ability to think about your experiences without it significantly interfering with your daily functioning. A therapist can also help you to develop new coping stragies to be used during recall of these experiences and help you to adopt healthy thought patterns. I would also recommend that you seek support from loved ones. Sometimes just talking about your experiences and associated feelings will alleviate some of the emotional troubles you are suffering from. Lastly, you may find meditation or mindfulness work to be of great benefit. Having the ability to live in the present moment should reduce the effects of your traumatic experiences interfering with recalling your past or looking forward to your future. I wish you all the best!

I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

Hi New York, There's no way to keep your past from affecting your present and future, because it's a huge part of who we are. The GOOD news is, though, that the effect doesn't have to be negative. I'm met many people who have horrific pasts and it helps them know confidently, every day, what kind of person they want to be and what kind of world they want to live in, and it helps them make really great decisions. You can accept your past, integrate your traumas and move forward in a very different way. If you see negative ways in which your past affects you (and this is also common), you are wise to seek professional help. Without knowing more, it's impossible to give you a lot of direction here. Basically, our past creates emotional "bruises" that are touch on and triggered by present situations. But our reactions are often about more than just the present moment. I think you know that.I wish you the best as you sort it out.  

Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer "in love" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just "family." At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a "friendship" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.

Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new "friend". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions. Sometimes people have been slowly "falling out of love" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so. It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this). Or, it's possible she's met this new "friend" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her.  Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time. I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best.

My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Hi Dillon,I'm from Canada, so I don't know the laws in your state. It depends on that a good deal, perhaps. In my opinion, a child should never be forced into a situation where they feel unsafe, even if it is "supervised". If the child is old enough to make a strong statement about not wanting to see a parent, then this should be honoured. Unfortunately, the laws don't always uphold a parent's right to do what is best for their child. I recommend you see a lawyer, who will advise you about how to proceed without putting yourself at risk of breaching custody agreements.If you feel your daughter can benefit from therapy, that is a separate question. Or is she already in therapy? A family therapist will typically meet with you alone first, in order to determine if therapy is a wise move for your child. It isn't always appropriate. 

My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. It’s especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.

Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so.If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision.Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus. He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has  affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him.He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet.A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best. 

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Congratulations on making your way to Step One, self-observation and deciding to change a feature about how you understand and relate to others.There is extraordinary strength in being willing to notice your effect on others and consider what changes are possible.Start on the inside track of your own heart and mind.  Once you're able to understand what is driving your emotions to the point where the only reasonable way of handling them is to curse and offend people, you'd have gotten a long way in knowing your own expectations of others and how far off the mark from this in your mind, they are.For example, if you expect others to always be accepting, tolerant and happy about situations with your boyfriend, and you're hearing otherwise from people, then you can prepare yourself for possible, less than positive comments about your relationship, or you can ask people to not comment to you about your relationship at all.Basically, the more you know about yourself and are willing to accept your right to ask others to respect your views, the easier and calmer time you'll have in handling comments from others that you're not glad hearing.Also, this is a long process because you'd be trying to change long time and deep patterns of interacting.Be patient with your own learning curve and certainly consider therapy for yourself in order to have some outside guidance and support for the process you're placing yourself.

I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

Sorry that your growing up years in the family were so unsafe and painful.Everyone has family legacy patterns of behavior and ways of handling emotions, handed down to them simply by living.All of what any child observes and how they are treated within their family context, creates their foundational expectations of others.The best way of releasing yourself form hurtful interaction patterns is by being aware of your own feelings and intuition within close relationships.If you have a similar sense of hurt or that something is wrong, yet in a familiar way, then most likely you are in a relational pattern similar to the negative ones in your family of origin.This realization moment is your chance to more deeply see your own original trauma and try different ways of responding to these similar key situations.This type of work takes a lot of repeated effort because trauma is deep and childhood trauma is attached to loving ones parents.Expect slow progress and expect more than a few tears.If it feels overwhelming then a therapist for guidance and support would be very beneficial to the work you'd be doing within yourself.Sending lots of good luck!

My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.

Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.

My daughter didn't see her biological father for the last three years. She doesn’t want to see him because she remember really bad things from him such as domestic violence and child abuse. The visitation is with supervision, but she refuses to see him. Is it better to take my daughter to the therapist and try to see him after the therapy?

Has the father or the visitation supervisor contacted you regarding why your daughter hasn't shown up for the past three years' worth of supervised visitation?Or is the supervised visitation a new development for the bio dad and your daughter?If no one is pressuring or expecting your daughter to show up, no one has even asked where she is, why she isn't present, then I don't see any reason for you to offer more effort by your daughter, than the father is willing to make for seeing her.If your daughter is willing to talk with a therapist, then let her find out first hand if the sessions seem useful or not.The one move I'd avoid is to force your daughter to go to a therapist since growing up in a household in which child abuse took place, being forced may remind her of her own feelings from this past, of feeling no one heard or cared about the way she wanted to be treated.

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion. Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal.

My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist. 

I was hanging out with my close guy friend. We started kissing, but afterwards, he said that we should just stay friends because he doesn't want to ruin anything. We both just got out of relationships. His was very sexual. I'm not a sexual person, and he knows that. I want to be with him, but I'm not ready for another relationship, and I don't know if he ever will want to be more than friends.

Given that both you and your friend recently ended your respective romantic relationships, kissing each other sounds like each of you satisfied a very natural need which for right now does not has a natural source of satisfaction.Suddenly being without a partner is difficult because a relationship absorbs and offers much of a person's energy. Stay focused on what you know about yourself, which is that you're not ready for another relationship.From what you describe about your friend, similar to you, he does not feel ready for a new relationship.If and when you feel ready to enter a new relationship and your friend seems attractive, then you'll be in a position to find out, either by approaching your friend as a potential partner, or by asking your question of his interest in you.Who knows?It is possible your friend will feel ready for a new relationship, approach you, and depending on your personal wishes to be or not be with who he has become, accept his offer.Good luck with Step One, becoming familiar with your new state of single hood, and sorting through the good news and bad news of your most recent relationship.

It's been almost a year since my ex-boyfriend broke up with me after he cheated on me many times. I had found out about a month before, but I hadn't told him I knew because I didn't want us to break up. I used to have very low self-esteem, and I think it might have to do with my dad being an alcoholic. My father cheated on my mother when I was little. I wonder if this pain has to do with that. My ex-boyfriend and I were only dating for five months, but I still can't get over this betrayal. I'm not sure what to feel to get over it: forgiveness? Hate? He helped me financially after our break up by lending me $3000, so I'm grateful for that. I still hate him for what he did and still want him to like me although we're not even talking anymore. We follow each other on Instagram and that's it. I feel like I still need his validation. This is haunting me day and night. I want to focus on my new relationship and goals, but I keep obsessing over this and keep checking my ex-boyfriend's Instagram and Facebook. I feel so bad and keep having nightmares.

The dilemmas you present are giving you a great chance to understand your true reasons for being in a relationship.Continue developing some points you've written here.That you grew up sensing and/or witnessing your mom's emotional pain from your dad cheating on her, very likely set a standard in your inner self, to expect similar circumstances in your relationship life.This is a natural dynamic which happens for all of us.  What we observe in our growing up households is what we understand as "normal", no matter how bad it actually is.After all, children don't have the ability to separate that what their own parents do, is wrong compared with the rest of our culture.It is natural to long for a relationship.What you have the chance to do now, is distinguish the reasons for your longing.Is it to attach to someone who has hurt you, hasn't shown you any understanding of having hurt you, and whose validation, even if he says validating words, has little meaning because people who validate are not the ones who harm us?If you're able to teach yourself that those who love us do not harm us, and to develop new expectations for yourself of feeling good from how your partner treats you, then you will be showing yourself a road that will benefit you for your entire lifetime.

I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care.

Congrats on the birth of your son!Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door?My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this.Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom.From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs.   It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources.In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare.The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed.This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you.Sending lots of good luck!

I have been married for 20 years. He and I both cheated. I hid my cheating for 14 years. Over that time, I let life stress me out. I became depressed. When I finally woke up, he felt I had pushed him out.

Do you both want to fix the marriage?The relationship belongs to both of you so that one working without the other cooperating in this work too, will have one person who does all the changing.This dynamic itself creates problems of its own.About your husband telling you he feels pushed out, did he do anything on his own to address his problem of feeling like this?All you state is that he blames you for creating a situation he didn't like.If he did nothing because he felt unsure what to do, anything which shows he understands he has as vital a part in the marriage as you, is ok.Because affairs create mistrust between two people, the two of you would also need to be very aware to regain each other's trust.Talking as much as possible so you both know what goes on in the life of the other, how you each are feeling, what matters to you, is helpful to grow a new foundation for your marriage's future.

My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me.

Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance. 

I was never like this. Recently this year (my first year of high school), I started getting emotional for no reason.

Hello Vancouver, It's really common for people to become very upset over small things sometimes. The small thing is a "trigger", and the emotions aren't so much about that event that's happening in the present; they are more connected to old events that evoked the same feeling. You've likely had too much of that feeling in your life and you've developed a sensitivity to it. Look at the small events that are triggers for you and ask yourself what same or similar emotion they evoke. If there's anger there, look underneath that. Is it powerlessness, worthlessness, hurt, shame...?  Then ask yourself when in your life you've experienced TOO much of that feeling. As a child, maybe, but not necessarily. That's the first step, and combined with empathy, compassion and self-esteem, you're starting to build what I call an emotional air conditioner. A good therapist can help you with the rest of this process and with learning ways of coping with emotions daily. I wish you the best. 

I have a really bad temper. I get mad very easily then stay like that the whole day. I don't mean to be that way, but I can't help it.

A lot of times the anger someone expresses is from feeling a deep level hurt within themselves.   A surface situation, like, a store told you they'd have delivery of a certain item by Tuesday, and when that particular Tuesday comes, the store doesn't have what they told you they would, and you are furious.The fury may have more with many times before in your life, having been deeply let down by someone who mattered to your life at the time, who similarly promised something and failed to deliver whatever it.If at the time of feeling let down by someone important in your life, the relationship didn't allow for honest expression of all your emotions, you'd have learned to hold in what you realized would not be tolerated if you expressed it clearly.Without practice of being heard when feeling hurt by someone, eventually the person, possibly you, learned to contain and contain your emotions.It is possible that the anger you feel at a variety of situations lately, are muting hurt feelings that you've understood from relating to meaningful people in your personal history, to not talk about.As a way to find out if you feel other emotions in addition to anger, take some time to reflect on what triggered your anger and whether its possible that hurt emotions which nobody whom you know wants to hear,  are really the underlying source of your upset.I hope you will enjoy some new discoveries about yourself and your emotions!

About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.

I noticed lately that I've been thinking a lot about death. I don't want to die, and I'm not suicidal. I just think about what would happen if I died or if someone I loved died. I imagine how sad everyone I know would be. I know it isn't worth it, and I definitely want to live and have a future. I just think about it. When I'm driving, I sometimes imagine what would happen if I just let go of the wheel and kept going.

I'll respond to your speculation that if you let go of the steering wheel while driving, you'll end up quite seriously hurt, at the very least.   It is fine to play in your mind with "what ifs".   People who write horror movie scripts most likely have some terrible sounding stories and suppositions.If you trust yourself to actually not follow through with an idea that may kill you, and you recognize the difference between thinking dangerous things and doing dangerous things, then go to the next step of understanding more about your thoughts on death.Since you wonder about being missed if you die, it is possible your thoughts about death are from feeling that you are metaphysically dead to people in your life whom you wish would show more interest in you.Play around with your idea as to why you'd consider how people will feel about you if you're not in their lives.This may offer some insight as to your expectations of current relationships with others.

I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.

Hi New Jersey,You talk about two very big changes in your life that have happened lately; the diagnosis/anxiety, and the moving in together. That's a lot!I love how you recognise that you been 'questioning everything'. I think anxiety's got its toe in the door and it's pushing you around, wanting some power over you. Fear and anxiety try to convince us that we need protection and that it's best to either pull away or fight. But letting anxiety control how you see your relationship isn't the answer here. I think you know that already.You must have moved in with him for a reason, and it's appropriate now to simply trust that, to ask him for some patience, and to focus on learning to manage the anxiety rather than questioning this decision to move in. Fear is getting in the way of you trusting yourself and your decision. You can figure the anxiety piece out while living with your boyfriend.When you're in a bit of a crisis is not the right time to make a major change. I suggest you use a therapist who works with cognitive behavioural therapy to learn to manage the anxiety, and then the relationship will likely seem more clear.

My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.

Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.

I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I’m a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own.

Hi Georgia, There's a really good lesson here. People tell us things, and we tend to think that's the truth...but it's not! I'll do some translating for you..."You're so ungrateful" means "I need you to be successful and happy in order for me to feel I'm a good parent"."You're too young to be depressed" means "I don't want to deal with your mental health issues right now. I'll pretend it's not happening so I don't have to face my fear and shame"."It's only going to get worse" just means "I don't know how to support you beyond scaring you into wanting to at least fake happiness for my sake".Your parents are being unsupportive, not because you're not suffering, but because this is all they're capable of right now. They are not where you will find the support you need, so keep looking for it in other places. It's out there. If might be an aunt or a friend, or a friend's aunt. It might be a therapist or a bus driver or your family doctor. Keep looking for someone who will hear you. I hope you don't ever give up. :)

I was texting a guy who wasn't my boyfriend, and my boyfriend found out. We work together, so he went to work and told everyone I was cheating on him. I moved out of the house. There have been previous problems, and I feel like I'm usually the issue here. In order for us to move on, he wants me to sign this contract that he wrote out listing things he doesn't want me to do anymore. I'm wondering if this a healthy relationship to save or if I should walk away.

Hi Dallas, While I think it's healthy for both members of a couple to have things that they need from each other and to talk about that, your situation sounds one-sided and rigid. Will you have a list too? There are elements of control here: humiliating you in front of coworkers, saying you have to sign the contract before you can move forward...does he decide when you move in and out? Your passive aggressive communications with the other man and your difficulty in knowing what direction you want also hint that maybe you don't have a voice in this relationship. Do you have a voice? If you are uncomfortable with the contract, are you listening to your own voice? If you can't hear your own voice, maybe it's time to sit down with a therapist and strengthen yourself so you can at least know what you feel and want.No relationship is all good or all bad (wouldn't that make it easy?) Relationships don't come with billboards that tell us what to do. They don't come with crystal balls that tell us what will happen (except that past behaviour is a good predictor). You have everything you need in order to make the best decision for you right now, except clarity, and his control may be what is making things muddy for you. You're too busy blaming yourself to see the situation clearly. A therapist can help you stop blaming yourself and see what your situation is.

I am on my own with my daughter. I am so worried and stressed about her.

Your instinct to help your daughter, is natural.How you proceed depends a lot on whether she recognizes she has a psychological and emotional problem, or if only you see this from observing her.Also, her age matters a lot in what way would be most likely to succeed in addressing the problems you describe.If you and your daughter have different opinions as to whether or not she has problems, and she is above the legal age of when you have authority over her life, then you can only suggest to her that therapy may benefit her.If your daughter is in your legal control, then you can locate a counselor nearby, discuss your situation with that person, and depending on the outcome, you'd be within your parenting right to take your daughter to a counselor.Starting therapy without willingness to do so, is risky.  The person may feel resentful enough to not participate.   And, sometimes the counselor is skillful enough to find a path to your daughter, or any patient's self-interest and engage them in therapy.Family counseling, regardless of your daughter's age, is another way to bring your concerns to your daughter's attention, in a therapy environment in which a counselor would be able to help distinguish the seriousness of your daughter's psychological problem, from simply a difference in viewpoints between you and your daughter, in how to handle certain situations.Also, if you believe your daughter is a threat to herself, then instead of this slower route, get in touch with the emergency psychological assessment service in your town, for a more immediate response.

I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature.

I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions. From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel.  Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth.  This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection.  Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real.  They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species.  Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel.  Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions.

I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic attacks lately. I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Lately, I've been questioning everything from my career to my relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in a few months ago. All of a sudden, I don't feel as comfortable around him as I used to, although I can't seem to find a reason as to why I feel this way.

How is your boyfriend responding to your discomfort around him?Has he told you that he's noticed changes in you?The good news about a relationship is that you can talk about matters with the other person.  Doing so can only help clarify feelings and what either of you expect from the relationship.  Given that the two of you recently moved in together, it is natural for new dynamics, feelings and expectations to arise.  It just adds to the reasonableness of talking with each other about how living together feels to each of you.Psychiatrists earn their living by diagnosing people and telling them to take pills.  Very often, just being told the person has a "condition" makes them feel fragile and less capable than they actually are.Anxiety and panic attacks do mean that there is a great deal of emotion and situation needing to be addressed.It is the normal sign of having to address many or deep matters.   Be patient and give yourself time to learn the details of your relationship and whatever the career particulars are that are bothering you.   You're apparently self-aware since you're the one describing your own problematic situations.  Keep the label of being "disordered", aside.  Psychiatry labels do more good for psychiatrists than they do for people who are trying to live their lives.

My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?

Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best.

I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.

How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse. Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change.  Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members.

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex.  Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy.  If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings.

I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.

Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different.  This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues.  From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the "labeling system".  While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining.  Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you!  There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option.  You can try Breakthrough an online service.   Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful.  Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2  What does it mean to be a woman or a man?<img 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

I'm in my late 50s. I never loved or have been loved. I need deeper help than is offered in my small town, but I cannot leave this town because of agoraphobia. I find myself losing hope more and more. My brain barely works anymore, and my memory so small, I forget in a moment. I serve no purpose. I'm incapable of work or anything of value, and I never have been. I’m a complete waste of time and resources, and yet I keep trying. Why? Why does God insist that I continue to exist? I’m not suicidal, just tired.

Hi Oak Harbor,My heart goes out to you. Sometimes when I'm working with a client who experiences depression or anxiety, I ask them for a glimpse into their worst moments in their minds. "What are the worst thoughts that run through your head?". Often they struggle, perhaps out of shame; maybe they don't want me to know their worst thoughts. But I can help them better if I do know, because then we have a place to work from. You are feeling hopeless and worthless, and your thoughts support these intense emotions. I don't know you, but I strongly believe that you have someone in your life who, if they heard your thoughts, would say "That's not true. I know where her value is." I believe that there are people who would see your value clearly, even if in small things. Can you imagine those voices?You mentioned God, so let's invite God into the conversation. What might God say to you? What evidence might God...who sees all..have of your worth? What hint might God give you about your purpose? You suffer from severe anxiety, and the agoraphobia works together with fear; they're a tag team. Fear tells you perhaps that people will reject you (or something equally bad), and then agoraphobia steps in and traps you and uses as evidence the fact that no one seems to be reaching out to you to convince you that you have no worth. Do you see their plan? Make her scared... keep her here alone...convince her it's hopeless. They both try to convince you that they are your only friends, except they're lying to you. They only want power over you.You forget your worth. You forget that we all have worth. No one is a waste. I believe all God's creatures have worth, and that we're here to use our gifts to improve the world, and to remind each other of our value. There are people out there needing your support as much as you need theirs. Can you find them? My guess is you've been alone and isolated for a very long time and it's impossible for you to see your worth in this situation. We need mirrors to see our worth and other people are our mirrors. We see our value in their eyes. Do you remember the first time you questioned your worth? What was happening that you blamed yourself for? Can you speak to that child and tell her (or him) that whatever's happening isn't her fault? It's that child who cannot see her own worth, probably because someone treated her as though she had none. That's only a story though; not the truth. Can you find another thread of a story? Who might tell a story of your worth?Oak Harbor, I believe that there is help closer than you think. Fear wants you to believe it's hopeless. You reached out here...can you reach out again? Start with just one person, and that will lead you to somewhere. We don't know where that somewhere is but could it be better than sitting alone? You've stopped living. You can choose any moment to start. I wish you peace and hope. :)

I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.

Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you. And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... "What is the worst part of this?" "What do I fear losing?" "What do I fear at all?" "What is the evidence that this will happen?" The answers might surprise you. Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit. Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best.

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear. Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck.

My boyfriend of five months expresses how much he cares for me and loves me, and I believe it. It has been one of the best relationships I have been in for a short period of time, but he has lied to me so much. He’ll tell me that he'll stop lying, and while he’s saying that, he's hiding something or lying about something. First, it was about a girl. He hid text messages and claimed she was a friend and it was a friendly conversation when it was a girl he once found interest in. Next was his ex-girlfriend. He put a fake contact name, and it was just friendly, but he lied to my face. All the time, he claims he never cheated and still expresses his love the same way and that he wants to change and do better.

New York, New York...it's not your boyfriend's lying that concerns me the most; it's the lies you tell yourself. Verbal expressions are easy, but it's walking the walk that's more important in the end. When someone shows you what they're capable of, you can believe them. He's capable of being manipulative and deceitful, and he even lies as he's telling you he'll stop lying. What you're doing is called denial; when you see evidence of something but you choose not to believe the evidence. He might love you with his heart, but love, in the end, is a verb and is based on respectful, loving behaviours. My wish is that you start by believing in what you deserve. 

We got into arguments, and we would break if off but start it back up again. We clicked, or so I thought. We are both married with problems in our marriage. We never have sex; we just send a lot of pictures back and forth and talk about doing things together. His wife found out, and he lied to her and didn't even refer to it as an affair. I can't stop thinking about him. We just click. I've been married for 16 years, and I've never liked anyone other than my husband. Now I like him, and we’ll never be together.

If you will "never be together" and in order to maintain this affair you need to deceive both of your spouses it seems unlikely that maintaining the affair will bring anything but heartbreak for everyone involved. There is obviously something that you are getting from this that you are not getting in your marriage. Maybe this is a cue that there is work to do on your marriage to try to make it more fulfilling and if that is not possible, then maybe you want something else for your life.  If you and your husband are willing, I would encourage you to do some therapy or counselling together.  You may enjoy this article to learn a little more about some factors that lead to connection or disconnection and that predict separation and divorce.

I am broke, but I am sure I have been depressed for the past couple of years. I have always had anxiety. I just need someone to talk to right now. I don't have any friends or family I can talk to. I'm on the verge of just giving up.

Good question. There are resources out there - people to talk to. I'd try going to this link and calling the free 24/7 hotline: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

That sounds really challenging for both of you. Differences in sexual desire between partners is common and can create real friction and conflict. I would encourage you to do some couples counselling or sex therapy as often these issues can be worked through and low sexual desire can result from relational fears and misunderstandings or sex that isn't as arousing as is possible. There are some good videos on this resource page about sexuality and intimacy and a video that specifically addresses desire differences in relationships. 

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Have you guys ruled out medical disorders. There is new data that post part depression starts in the pregnancy before baby is delivered. There maybe those factors .Please check out those arenas, firstly. Then consider marital therapy services. Relationship changes with the time passing and with the time and care deposits of investment onto the relationship bank account.  Thanks for this opportunity to answer some of ya.alls. relationship intimacy concerns.

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples

I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religious—they're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.

What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is (if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and letting them know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from the relationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not follow their rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper. Not everyone will always approve of the choices we make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you.

My partner and I have had an amazing relationship and connection for over two years. We're very committed to each other and are planning a very long life together. However, he recently was very open and honest that he isn't interested in having sex with me anymore. He says this has happened in every past relationships and has ended it as a result. He knows it's because it's the "same person" feeling, but how can he get over this?

I wonder how long "anymore" will be for your boyfriend.Since you both are planning a long life together, instead of his custom of ending relationships when he feels bored with the sex, he will be facing the situation of being in a relationship and not having sex with his partner to whom he is committed.What are your own views on the meaning of sex in a relationship?Knowing this will help you be better able to collaborate with your boyfriend on finding ways of balancing what you each would like.

Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Hi Ohio, I totally get how it can be more difficult to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. My guess is that you tend to come down too hard on yourself a lot. That's a huge barrier to happiness that you can work to reduce. I'll get you started.You feel shame in a debilitating way that is probably way out of proportion to the incident. Is it triggering some old shame? Unfortunately, a lot of adults use shame as a motivator for kids. It doesn't work. When was the first time you remember feeling a lot of shame, as in "I'm bad", or "I'm worthless"? Is there a younger version of you who is still feeling shame over something that wasn't your fault? Sometimes shame shadows are connected to an absent or hurtful parent, sexual abuse or some family loss or trauma. If so, picture yourself at that age. Can you tell your child self that whatever horrible thing happened to them isn't their fault? Can you have compassion for that child who first felt shame or had shame heaped on them? That's your first goal...to go to the source of the shame and heal that child's wound with compassion. What happens to children is never their fault (and fault is a pretty useless concept anyway).Once you take the layers of old "I'm bad" shame off, the load is lighter and you can use self talk to further reduce the shame. Here are some things you can say to yourself...every day...I'm human and that's okay. I don't have to be perfect.I can have compassion for my mistakes.I can feel proud that I'm facing my mistake and making things right.I deserve forgiveness and compassion, and I have that for other people too.There's no purpose to holding on to shame.I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.Everyone makes mistakes.Other people don't want me to carry this shame around.I don't need shame to remind me not to do it again. I've figured that out.Shame tries to convince you that you need to carry "it" around in order to prevent further mistakes. Poppycock.  You've learned your lesson, now you can move forward to other mistakes. Sorry...but you're human and you'll keeping making... hopefully different, glorious mistakes. Embrace the learning. Lean into the experiences of life. It's all juicy stuff, and you're in good company; we're all in the same position of being mortal.

How can I know if I'm just being paranoid?

Hi Texas,Oh, that's a powerful idea, isn't it? It burrows into your head. Let's figure this out. First, has your partner given you any concrete reason not to trust them? Have they cheated before? If not, then they deserve the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence. If it's a "yes", then it's natural that these fears would be triggered and you can simply let your partner know what triggers the fear and what you need. "When you refuse to let me see your phone I worry that you're hiding something. I need openness". If they haven't cheated on you in the past, there are three possible scenarios here. I invite you to take a moment and write down what the evidence is that cheating is going on. What is the specific thing that's triggering your fears? When you have your data recorded, read on...The first scenario is that you have been personally hurt in the past by someone else and you've developed fears that you will be hurt again or that you're not enough to keep someone interested (this is just fear...people cheat for their own reasons, not because we're not interesting). This may be true if what you wrote down is "They didn't really do anything wrong...there is no evidence. I'm just scared and suspicious". That's a cue to do some self reflection and calm yourself with thoughts like "nothing has really happened. I can trust."If what you wrote down was vague evidence, like for example your partner has been distant or irritable, or you're having less sex than usual, you can try to approach the situation without making assumptions. Trust your gut, but your gut isn't seeing evidence of cheating...it's evidence of "something". Ask your partner what's up with accusations or assumptions.The third possibility is that there is some clear evidence that they are cheating. Maybe there are texts on a phone, or someone has told you something they saw. I'd say when there is some evidence, it's okay to present this to your partner and ask what's going on. If this happens repeatedly, and your gut is screaming and there are only excuses or explanations that don't make sense, then it's okay to do a bit of "research" and be extra aware of what's going on around you. I hope that helps. 

I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

It sounds really difficult to know that your daughter may be "choosing" her dad over you, perhaps I can help by saying her intense emotional reactions towards you actually acknowledge how much safer and connected she feels towards you. We tend to have big emotions around those we care for most. I would suggest to let her know how hard it is to hear that, and sad it make you feel at times, and that this is hard for everyone. Expressing your feelings to here, will allow her to express hers too. 

I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change. 

I've been struggling with it for a test and I'm starting to believe it's something mental. What could it be?

Hello in Jacksonville, It sounds like you are struggling with motivation to either take or study for a test.  There could be several different causes.  If you were being seen at my practice, I would ask you to describe your self-talk when engaging in these activities, during the different phases ie. in beginning, after a few days, and after few weeks.  Negative self-talk leads to increased disinterest and eventually tasks not being completed.  It is great that you recognize that you have the tendency to not complete tasks that you start.  Some questions that would be great to explore with a therapist are: how often you start and stop tasks without completing them?how you are feeling when you choose to start/ stop a project/task?how many tasks do you complete?  Sometimes we need to recognize list our accomplishments so that they do not go unnoticed.   Do you ever feel like you are working against yourself?A licensed counselor in Jacksonville will be able to asses you and rule out or diagnose self-sabotaging, depression, anxiety or other possible contributing factors.  Remember to continue to provide yourself daily motivation and encouragement towards your goals.

I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Anyone who wants to change their life path, eventually will be successful in this.  How to stop abusing alcohol involves a few steps, most of them time consuming, with slow progress and very often with tremendous emotional pain.The basic path is to figure out what motivates you to drink too much and be addicted to weed.  Almost always, addictions are rooted in the person having suffered feeling deeply ignored, humiliated, shamed, invisible, nothing very pleasant, since a very young age, usually starting around 18 months.Most often addicts are sensitive people who have been emotionally overburdened by the grownups in their family.With no outlet for emotional expression or nurturing, the frustration goes inward until the emotional pain feels very big and without an outlet.So, people mask and numb by substances, whether this is food, chocolate, work, alcohol, weed.Therapy that is humanistic based, is a better fit than one which is drug oriented and diagnosis oriented.If you'd like getting serious about knowing who you are, including any unfair treatment of you during your growing up years, you can do this.Once you have a stronger self-respect and awareness, you would naturally avoid substances because they harm people.  Harming oneself is the opposite of self-respect.Also, about your diagnosis, it may not be true at all.  the US healthcare system loves selling drugs to people and clinicians in agencies and clinics are encouraged to find something wrong with people in order to find a new customer who will take drugs.See if you can find a therapist who is independent minded, and therefore free to interact therapeutically with you as a human being, not as a potential customer if they are able to label you as having something "wrong".This simply continues the long line of being shamed by others that created the addiction problem in the first place.Good luck!

My boyfriend is seeking therapy. He is in his 40s and has some childhood issues. He has kids from his previous ex-wife and is unable to see them.

Probably the more important questions to answer concern how much confidence you have in you and your boyfriend becoming parents, how you each feel about the influence of his being banned from seeing his current children, and be clear about the circumstances that led up to the decision of him not being permitted to see his kids.Don't allow some random professional to pronounce your boyfriend as cured.  A relatively qualified therapist would never make this call.Psychological and emotional tensions emerge from our relationships within families.  You and your boyfriend are in a position to set a strong foundation for having children, assuming each of you wants children.Childhood issues, your boyfriend's, anyone's, are more likely to go away when new patterns of interacting emerge.If the two of you are engaged in setting a secure relationship as future parents, the disappointments and hurt from the very early years, will be replaced by better ways of interacting.

I have severe anxiety and have tried everything. Everything makes it worst.The only thing that helps is my emotional support animal.

Sorry to read of your suffering.Is it actually permitted that people are able to take support animals to school?I see your point of the animal helping you.  I just also see the point that some people have allergies to animal hair or dander, or may feel distracted by an animal in the classroom.You may end up feeling worse, if when you bring your support animal to school, that it disturbs people or interferes with the routines of the class.For your anxiety, I suggest some loving kindness toward yourself.  Be patient with yourself and that you have anxiety.  If you're able to accept that some situations create great discomfort for you, maybe you'll tolerate these difficult situation.Embrace your anxiety as part of you, basically, rather than trying to banish it, which because it actually is part of you, is impossible to achieve.In a way, I'm suggesting you become your own "support animal".  Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see if you feel a little less stressed in school.

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

Hi Los Angeles,So your husband is giving you mixed messages. He says he's willing to cut back on the drinking, but he drinks and hides it. His behaviour is passive aggressive and immature, which puts you into this position of having to act like a disapproving parent. It sounds more like you're talking about an out-of-control teenager than your partner. Your husband's lying is sending a message. "I get to make my own decisions and you can't stop me" might be it. Underneath that, maybe it's "I want to stop but I'm ashamed that I can't and I don't want you to see my failures". Ultimately, as an adult, he gets to decide what he puts in his mouth and if you try to manage that by monitoring how many beers he has, you are pretty certain to get some fallout... pushback...backlash...  How does his drinking affect you? That's where your voice has power, rather than in counting his beers or setting him up to lie (when he's passed out, asking if he's been drinking seems confusing). You've mentioned snoring, which I guess is a legitimate complaint. If he's passing out, that's a legitimate complaint. When he drinks does he drive, act aggressively, or 'check out of' the relationship (avoid you)? All of these things are legitimate concerns, and I'd stick to talking about those rather than counting beers. My guess is he has few other ways to cope with stress, so he checks out with alcohol, and it also helps him avoid your relationship. But the problem is it makes it worse; the more he avoids you, then more you chase him with your questions.There's a conversation that would be helpful here.  It sounds like "I've tried to support you in your drinking less, and it's not working. What are your goals for alcohol and how can I support you in that more effectively?" I'd like to see you in a place where you're not micromanaging his drinking, but focusing on the things that affect you. What concrete supportive methods can you use with his agreement? Can we get the alcohol out of the house? Is he willing to seek treatment? Lay your expectations out really clearly. "I won't count your beers, but I can't tolerate lying". You have to decide what's more important; is it really the number of beers, or is it something else. What do you need to happen in order to want to remain in the marriage? What does he need? Does he let you know what isn't okay with him? He might have trouble saying these things. The drinking is only a part of the complex dynamic in your marriage. A qualified therapist can assist in pulling this apart, understanding it, and changing the way you relate to each other. 

I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Hi Arkansas, Your situation sounds like a case of parental alienation. Your ex-partner unfortunately has the power to say things to your children that poison their relationship with you. It's a form of woman abuse and child abuse. He's likely doing this to hurt you and have power over you, and he's not considering how it's affecting the kids. I've seen this happen in many families; parents who once had a strong loving relationship with their children suddenly feel abandoned in favor of the other parent. In some cases, children actually stop having contact with one parent, who is left bewildered and powerless. It's your ex's job to support your relationship with your kids, not try to destroy it. While you can't change his behaviours, and I think you know that, there are things you can do for yourself and your kids. For your children, you can refuse to enter into the war he's setting up. He's trying to provoke you into acting "crazy", but you don't have to fall for this. If you run around screaming "he's lying!", it only makes you look more 'crazy'. Try to stay calm, and don't put their dad down to them, no matter how tempting it is. One day, they may be ready to hear the truth of your relationship with their father, but wait until they ask. Trust that they have their own experience of their dad, and trust that he doesn't have the power to destroy their love for you. Children, in the long term, lose respect for parents who denigrate the other parent. They see who their dad is already, I'd bet, but they don't know how to cope with that. If he's the only one fighting a war, you're helping them feel less trapped in a parental conflict. Don't engage on his level. Don't blame your children completely. Although I have to say that for them to call you names like crazy is not acceptable and you don't need to tolerate that disrespect, try to deal with this behaviour without bringing their dad into it. They are acting out their father's agenda, likely because they instinctively see his weakness. Children often support the weaker parent, rather than abandon them. You get the worst because they trust your love. But you can still have boundaries. Letting them abuse you isn't the answer, but have compassion for their position. This picture isn't their fault, but as adults, they can be held accountable for their choices.Reassure yourself that you are the mom you know you are. You don't need them to gush all over you in order to know that you made sacrifices. Hold onto the likelihood that some day, they will come back and be grateful. It may take a while, you can't rush it, but they will see you for who you are. Your power is in giving them a consistently calm, generous, connected, supportive mom who refuses to play games or be walked on. I'd recommend trying to connect with other parents who experience this phenomenon, or a therapist who can reinforce these goals and help keep you grounded. Good luck!

I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!

In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps!

I've been having this ongoing problem for most of my life now. I am a young adult, and right now, driving and even being a passenger gives me terrible panic attacks and anxiety. I can't ride in the backseat or the front seat with the safety belt on. I have to lean the seat back a bit because the pressure on my back terrifies me. I miss so many opportunities to go places with friends and family because of my fears of having a panic attack. My family offers little to no support. They think it's fake or "all in my head." It makes me feel guilty and at times depressed to the point where I'd rather never wake up anymore. I am not self-harming, I just feel meaningless. This constant fear has taken over my thoughts and my life. I was such a happy person. I want my life back. I want to travel with my friends and family again, but I don't know how. I've almost given up hope on getting better and just accepting the fact that I'll live with this anxiety forever.

Not having support from your family for such a significant problem, is a problem itself.How about your friends, are any of them nurturing or treat you kindly when you bring up that you've got this problem?Are any of your friends willing to accommodate the fact that right now you've got panic attacks from driving and being a passenger?Maybe being and feeling accepted while you're in this current phase of your life, would help diminish the panic attacks.If no support is coming to you, then a next step would be to evaluate the relationships in your life and to develop standards and expectations of others, especially that they are considerate of your great need at this time.Its possible you are bearing the emotional burden of a lot more people in your life than yourself.If no one wants to show they care about this situation, then release yourself from trying to please and satisfy everyone's wish that you be better, while they ignore your need for their support.Be realistic in what you're able to give back to people who want to be blind to your emotional need.Thinking this way will at first raise your anxiety level from fear of losing everyone.  Eventually, you'll stabilize within yourself and know that all you're asking for is some support for having a tough time. Hopefully, the others will be more responsive to you.If they don't you still know that you're being reasonable for what you'd like.

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.