Datasets:

Manel

/

Reddit_Stoicism_QA_610

like 0

My father and I haven't had any contact for about 2 years. Our relationship hasn't been easy since I grew up. Over the last few years, we've grown closer again until I finally stopped contacting him. He didn't get in touch with me either. Our last exchange was a text message that I found hurtful. A few things happened in the past that contributed to this. But the main reason is that I don't get on with his personality. My father gets upset easily and then gets loud. I'm a rather quiet person and tend to withdraw, which he just doesn't understand. Sometimes I still think about him and I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. My father will be 70 this year and I don't know how much longer he'll live. On the other hand, the fact that he is no longer part of my life means I have one less stress factor. This week, a mutual acquaintance contacted me. He told me that my father seems to be offended and is therefore not contacting me. But that my father would like to have contact with me again. This acquaintance has offered to mediate between the two of us and would like to meet with me to discuss the situation. As a beginner to stoicism, I would appreciate some stoic advice. My thoughts so far: my father's behavior is out of my control. Nor can I change my own nature; he and I have very different personalities that don't mesh well. When I think of my father, unpleasant memories rise up - but presumably the ancient Stoics would say that the past is also beyond my control and not relevant here. As far as I know, Seneca writes about the duty of children to honor their parents. Does it mean that part of my role as a son is to seek contact and make the first move? I'm not sure if it would make sense to do so, or if I would put a burden on myself.

If you can make use of it - if you are going to him thinking "I need him to behave differently this time", and you intend to become offended again if he doesn't, then don't bother: you don't want to reconnect with him, you just want another shot at forcing him to be something other than what he is. Me and my mother have close to opposite personalities. She often behaves in ways I think harm her and those around her. Despite this, we never argue and have a very close relationship - I do not need anything from her and I do not blame her for anything she puts herself through. She made serious mistakes as a parent, not least of all giving me access to alcohol from early infancy - yet I do not even blame her for my subsequent addiction: I took responsibility for my own decisions, beat that addiction as well as a host of other mental health problems I had, and now I have a great relationship with her. I can put my hand on my heart and say I do not wish her to be any way other than she is, although if she addressed some of her problems I'd feel the same way about her new, more healthy state. I have literally no unpleasant feelings about her. As a Stoic, we comprehend that we are placed in charge of ourselves. At some point, I grew up and became capable of reason, and as soon as I had it became unreasonable for me to blame my parents for the state of my life. You do blame your father for things - the unpleasant feelings you have, and the need to have him behave a certain way means you hold him to be the cause of some of the bad things in your life. I say this will all compassion - if you are an adult, he is not responsible for anything in your life. If you can get that straight in your head, you'll be able to interact with him healthily. Depending on his nature, that might involve not talking to him - my mother is a kind person despite her problems which is why we can have a close, loving relationship. Your father might be rotten to his core for all I know. I would guess that his loudness and anger towards you was triggered by you saying something that indicated what you appear to believe - that he is somehow to blame for the state of your life. If you really need to hear him accept that he is, which I can tell you is not true, then there's nothing but another shouting match waiting, and your friend "mediating" won't do diddly squick to stop it.

Thinking about getting back in touch with my estranged father

general_qa

Ive started reading about stoicism recently and whole story is cool and i think everyones goal should be to reach that state of mind of real stoic but i dont know how to do that. Im naturally either very calm, usually when im not intrested in something, or very impulsive and emotional, when i care about something, never in the middle and its not just mental thing its also physical so i cant control it. Is there anyone who was like that but managed to calm down and learnt how to fully control emotions? Any good advices?

The Stoic path is gradual and consistent. Understand that Stoicism doesn't aim to eradicate emotions but to avoid irrational and harmful reactions to them. Balance is key. Begin by observing your impulses without judgment. Awareness is the first step to control. Reflect on why certain things trigger you-use reason as your guide. Practice the discipline of assent: pause when a passion arises and choose not to act until reason has had its say. Remind yourself of what is within your control and what is not. Deliberate on your values and let them guide your actions, rather than momentary emotions. As with any skill, it requires practice. You might never eliminate emotions, nor should you strive to, but you can learn to manage them constructively. Stoicism is a lifelong practice, be patient with yourself.

How to actually become stoic?

general_qa

my dog is 13 - ive had her since i was 3/4 - and is blind with a possible bad eye condition (that's what google tells me because my parents don't want to take her to the vet due to the chance of the inevitable possibility of needing her to be put down) she seems happy but the fact she is ill and that we're on borrowed time scares me. what is some stoic advice you can give me to get through the anticipatory grief that's keeping me awake at night and the grief that will come after

Unfortunately as someone who also tries to follow stoic philosophy this is something that it's creeping up on me. My dogs my best friend but he's old now and gets sick often. Mentally I have been preparing for it for a long time. Try take as many pictures as possible, live in the moment with them, hug them and say I'm gonna remember this moment for life, take them on walks and drives with you when you can.

my dog is ill

general_qa

# This disease has destroyed me mentally I'm a 28 year old Italian and I always smell like urine, I only go out to work. For this reason I have no friends because I'm ashamed to go out. Living with this disease is hell you can't do anything everyone makes fun of you no one takes you seriously. I will talk about it with my psychologist even if I doubt it will help to improve things because I he will say to leave the house and socialize but it is precisely leaving the house that terrifies me. How do you deal with this thing, do you not care about people's judgment or do you do like me?

Reminder that posts with the "Seeking Stoic Advice" flair are considered as seeking specifically and recognizably Stoic advice. Violations may be removed. Conversely, u/Common-Job-5592 may wish to post question in the New Agora, a daily pinned thread for those who are seeking and offering personal opinions inspired by Stoicism, sharing experiences that may be influenced by Stoicism, or requesting and attempting to administer "first aid."

Stoic advice

general_qa

Hi I'm 23/yo, i want to share something with you guys and seeking for stoic advice. I'm reading currently "The Daily Stoic." But I don't know why I'm not able to apply these stoic sayings in real life and most of the time i make impulsive decisions then after sometime obviously i repent those decisions and feel ashamed. I'm a beginner in stoicism so also if you have any book to suggest for beginners please do it. So day after day practicing stoicism but I'm not able to control my emotions and at that time I don't know what I'm saying or doing i lose control over my mind. Please advise something which can help me to control my emotions and think logically so i could atleast stop making those impulsive decisions. Note : If anyone wants to suggest some books for beginners or if you have pdf available please do let me know i want to read something which really could help me to control my emotions and improve my thinking process as well.

I hope you realize that not being able to follow advice you've simply heard of without first needing to verify if it's true is a feature of your mind, not a bug. If you're expecting to assimilate Stoic ideas into your thinking by reading a few articles on the internet, you should also expect to become an architect by looking at a random building on the street. Now, only one piece of Stoic literature exists that was designed to be consumed by beginners, and that is the [Discourses of Epictetus](http://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/discourses.html) you can start reading from the link provided. A lot of alternate translations exist, and a good chunk of them you should be able to find available for free on the internet. See if you like it - and if you do, your chances of comprehending the philosophy are probably higher than you think.

Seeking Advice

general_qa

I have seen many videos and posts on how to write a journal and it's making me more confuse. Can I get all of your advices on how you write your stoic general. I would appreciate the response.

There's no right or wrong way to do it. You can experiment with different approaches until you find the one that works for you. Personally I don't journal much because it's not a tool I find especially helpful, and that's ok too. Here are some things to try: - Day in Review. Think about the good and challenging parts of your day. Reflect on what went well and what you could have done better. Consider how you might address a problem differently next time it arises - Study Journal. Using your daily reading of Stoic literature, rephrase the main points in your own words. Consider how you could apply this in your life. Come back and make notes of how the application went, what went well and what you could improve - Premeditatio malorum. If there's something coming up you're worried about, write your concerns down. Imagine the worst case scenario, and then imagine yourself dealing with it perfectly. What would that look like? How would you feel afterwards? Related to this is: - Contemplation of the Sage. Imagine the perfect Stoic Sage, however you see them. How would this ideal person deal with the problems you're currently facing? What can you imitate in that ideal behaviour? Again, come back and write down how it went. There are lots more ways to journal, and as I say the key is to find what works for you.

Hwo to write a journal?

general_qa

For example, blatant disrespect, someone is like hahaha you're a weak pussy bitch or your daughter/wife is a slut monkey or your family is all shit. It's like shit I have pride in myself and certain things that are disrespected, but when I defend myself i never win cause it keeps going. And you can't physically do anything cause it's illegal. So the obvious thing would be to just walk away, but the emotions still linger like "fuck that guy". Any stoic advice for this?

I respect myself enough not to give a shit if others do. Someone else's limited perspective (about anything, including me) is their own problem. But most disrespect is brought on by the individual needing to degrade others in order to elevate themselves. When two people start reflecting off of each other, it amplifies the disrespect by amplifying each one's own insecurity. If you're secure in yourself, it doesn't hit you. It's like a dull mirror. No reflection. No amplification. Walk on by.

What sort of tricks do you use to remain stoic, when people are disrespectful?

general_qa

I have been having a very difficult time wrapping my head around all of this. My ex moved on with my friend a few months after we broke up. I had still not moved on and even after knowing this, my friend went ahead and started to date her. Upon asking them, they say that they were lonely and found comfort and love in each other. I don't know how to stomach this. It's been 6 months since this incident. I've gone through depression and passive SI. I still have these thoughts going on in my head which I don't know how to resolve. These events have brought immense pain, feeling of betrayal and destruction of my self-confidence. My friend and ex both are extremely happy right now and are very successful while I toil away in my regular routine. All I am filled up is with rage, envy and anger. I don't know what to make of this situation. I don't know if all my emotions are even valid or not. I read a lot about stoicism and it resonated a lot with me. Any stoic advice would be very helpful. Thank you.

So many people not really getting the point, "Get over it," "what's it got to do with you?" I'll tell you straight. This practice is not about lying to yourself. You're in pain. You're hurt, and you should be. But the intellectualization has to go. Feel your feelings, respect them. But dwelling is not allowed. You must take action. You leave them be or you do the opposite. This was a lesson.

Friend dating my ex

general_qa

I was an alcoholic for the past 8 years. In retrospect I was someone who has chased quick dopamine my entire life and alcohol was my poison of choice. This lifestyle did not lead me to having the best community to be around and I was easily corrupted on my morals. Now that I am sober I have so much clarity and realize how my actions could have hurt those around me. For example, I knew being unfaithful or going to strip clubs would hurt my past partners... but could easily convince myself when drinking that "what they don't know won't hurt them". I have guilt for being such a selfish person in this regard. I too have been hurt by an unfaithful partner and betrayal and have vowed to never partake in behavior like this again. I was wondering if anyone had any passages for dealing with past guilt and using them as a lesson going forward, or any stoic advice at all?

"Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what is left and live it properly". ~Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" Book 7, passage 56. This can be taken many ways but I find it relevant in anything speaking to our personal and individual past. It is just that, the past. Think only about the now, the present. If you worry about the past or future then it distracts you from the present and your present is all that matters.

Recommended quotes or passages for dealing with guilt

general_qa

I've been having intense feelings of envy lately. Despite trying to alter my perception of others' successes as stoicism would urge, I find myself getting jealous and incredibly envious of those close to me. I try and look above the lack of opportunities that are given to me, such as constant job rejections and being sidelined despite having a reasonable level of intelligence and skill set. I don't even want the external validation but crave self-actualization. It just seems that those around me are progressing in their careers and hitting life goals as if life smiles brightly upon them, whilst it crushes me down. I try and avoid going down the well of self-pity, and maintain a more positive attitude toward life but lately it has just become so challenging. Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this is in a stoic manner?

I have mentioned this analogy before on this sub, and some seemed to find it helpful: When dealing with envy, it is useful to imagine life as an Olympic swimming match. YOUR performance in YOUR lane is all you can control. If you allow yourself to be concerned with what's going on in the other lanes, you are undermining your own performance. So when envy arises, use it as an alarm to remind yourself to double down on your efforts in your own lane.

Dealing with envy

general_qa

Hey everyone! I'm seeking advice on bringing more stoicism into my life to maintain a calmer internal dialogue, especially when it comes to work-related thoughts intruding during precious moments. **My Background:** * I am Proud father of a 1-year-old boy, absolutely love fatherhood, and cherish my relationship with my girlfriend. * I am Career-oriented, working in finance (portfolio management). The job is intense, but I find the work interesting and see opportunities for professional growth. * Both my GF and I embrace a frugal lifestyle, though we're open to earning more money to allow us to travel with our kids later and potentially helping them with their first home in the future. **My Challenge:** * While I enjoy my work, I often find myself stuck with work-related thoughts during moments meant for unwinding or spending quality time with family and friends. * I can easily be present in high-intensity activities like skiing/hockey/golf or gaming, but I really struggle to disconnect during more relaxed moments like playing with my baby or engaging in casual conversations with my GF. **My question Question for you all:** * How can one incorporate stoicism to better disconnect from work-related thoughts and fully enjoy quality time with loved. My work related thoughts are more often then not unproductive and anxiety inducing.. Looking forward to your insights and tips!

I have the same question as Gnas about enjoying your work while also finding thoughts of work anxiety-provoking, but I also have a tip that may help you. If you suddenly think of something you need to remember for work, whip out your phone and send yourself a quick message to your work email. Then you know you won't forget when you get in on Monday, and you can relax. That said, one of the best ways to make sure you can enjoy your weekends without work thoughts intruding is to ensure that all your work is tied off neatly before you leave on Friday night. I spend the last working afternoon of my week doing exactly this. I'll leave myself a page of to-do's if necessary, so that I can be confident everything is in place ready for me to pick up on Monday.

Seeking Stoic Advice: Work related thoughts while not being at work...

general_qa

My mom says we make life hell for her. My mom is so ungrateful for everything. We have a pretty good life, compared to everyone else around us. She has a job as a teacher. I'm in uni and I have two siblings who are in school. And my dad has a good job. He does everything she asks yet she complains about everything. There is not a day she can go without complaining about something. Since childhood she has ruined our happiness. Like a family outing for example she always finds something and starts nagging about it. She always ridicules us and especially my dad. My dad works a 9-5 and then he comes home to her complaints. He takes her out everyday and then she starts complaining by the end of it. I have never heard her say one good word about my dad. And since recently ive started to take my dads side and when i argue with her she always plays the victim and starts crying or projects my question to us even though most of the time it doesn't even make sense. Everyone agrees she is the problem except her. She says her life is hell even though she has everything. And she fails to realize she's making it bad for the people around her. Its so draining arguing with her. She never takes anything we say into consideration. She mocks us and she doesn't realize how it affects us. In her mind only she has feelings. I dont know how to deal with this. But I at least want my little sister to have a better childhood. Shes so passive aggressive and toxic. But she loves us a lot and we are her world I know that for a fact. She's living for us. Whenever I'm away from home, she's always calling me checking in on me. When i moved out to go to uni abroad she cried at the airport. Whenever one of us is sick or has trouble she's always there by our side. Things like these are the reason I know she loves us. And my dad despite everything she talks about him tells me good things about her. Like how she has taken care of me when I was a kid. And she often says now she's just living for my younger sister. Whenever she makes me feel bad i think i should give her the silent treatment, but then i just end up forgetting and forgiving because shes my mom and i think ill be the bigger person and not hurt her. Plus I also believe that if i hold grudges I wont be free. but its a cycle it keeps on happening. my dad has given up too. wtf do i do about her its so depressing. Ive asked her multiple times to seek therapy and her response is always "im not mental, your dad is". The real reason of her unhappiness is nothing but herself, she's very ungrateful, whatever my dad does she always complains. and she tells us she's gonna die and we'll know then. How can I deal with this as a stoic? I'm seeking advice

Therapy sounds like a worthy recommendation

Please help me deal with my mother

general_qa

I don't want to go into too much detail, but a self-destructive, stubborn family member has recently become disabled due to performing hard labor at the ripe age of 80. She has always been like this, and she expects to get right back to it as soon as she recovers (big if). She rejects any practical help we offer, we all also live in different countries, and she only seems to enjoy talking about how much whe is suffering right now. She'd rather whine about her condition than accept a wheelchair. My therapist suggested that if I really want to help her, I need to wittness her suffering... Give her the space to demonstrate her martyrdom, listen to the whines without too much emotional engagement. Being a martyr matters to her more than getting our money or somebody to help her with work around the house. This is incredibly difficult for me because I get sucked into her pain and immediately jump to practical solutions. They all get shut down, it's clear she doesn't want that. So, how can I detach myself enough to be able to wittness? I think radical acceptance of the situation and my own limitations is the key, but I really don't know how to get there. It's devastating and additionally complicated by some resentment I have towards her. But I've decided to do this, now I seek stoic advice because I don't know what else to do. Thanks.

I also was a person that came with solutions a lot. And I don't know if this will help you, but I journal a lot and it helped me to realize that maybe I am not the right person to hand out advice and solutions. Also, I felt I was thinking maybe too much of myself to be the person to help out in a certain situation. I don't know that much at all to be coming up with solutions So after some configuration in my journal I now ask people "would you like a solution or would you like my ear?". Then I know and they know. It gives them respect. When they want my ear I basically just listen. I still have a hard time with not jumping to solutions and I am very poorly equipped with comforting comments. But I am learning. Hope that helps

How can I wittness somebody's suffering without getting emotionally involved?

general_qa

As many of you know journaling is a very effective tool for a stoic. I here this time and time again and I want to start doing it myself, but i'm unsure of where to start. If any of you that journal have thoughts or advice I would be extremely appreciative.

Well Journaling is different for everyone. So my best advice "Just write" Write about your day, write about how what happened made you feel. write about how you feel about those feelings now that you felt them. Write about what you thought, write about what you think about those thoughts. Write about some random thing you noticed or heard, Heck, according to stoicism- Just writing a random jumble of words that come to your mind as you are writing in your journal is good enough. "Dear Journal, today work sucked because some karen came in and bitched about her hamburger being too dry, like we can even control how moist/dry the hamberger is besides hambergers are gross, hot dogs are obviously superior in quality with how they roll around on a grill and are easy to cook even in a microwave. And now I really want a hot dog so I'm going to stop here so I can get a hot dog" Just do you, everything else will streamline as you go.

Journaling

general_qa

Hey everyone, I am a high school senior and recently my friend group came to an end over a fight between two of my friends. After this, the different groups that my closest friend have been hanging out with are making me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I don't belong with any of the new friend groups they formed. I've come to realize that some of my former friends have become insufferable and I always feel worse talking to them than before as they constantly talk about topics that make me feel uncomfortable. I wish things could go back to last year where I had a stable friend group with multiple people that cared for each other. Now I feel alone in school which has been making my time there miserable leading to greater burnout and anxiety.

I'm sorry you feel this way - it's a difficult situation to be in. I noticed you said only some of your friends have become insufferable: what if you spoke to one of your former friends, let them know how you're feeling? Maybe it's not that you don't belong with either of the two new groups - perhaps it only feels that way... You could try to form a new group of friends, unconnected to the previous two. I hope this helps

Need Stoic advice regarding school friends

general_qa

After high school, I decided to take a gap year before heading off to university. While I am grateful for the time with my parents, the loneliness has been quite overwhelming. I have a few friends in different cities, but our conversations are limited to once a week. The lack of daily social interaction is taking a toll on me. There are moments when I open my phone, only to find no notifications, and it feels like a heavy weight on my chest. I've shed a few tears because of it, and the days seem to drag on, making time feel slower than ever. As someone who values Stoic philosophy, I'm reaching out for advice on navigating this lonely period. Despite understanding the principles of focusing on what's in my control, the isolation is taking a toll. Considering getting a cat as a companion to bring some joy and comfort into my days. Would love to hear your insights and any Stoic perspectives that might help me through this challenging time.

It's funny how people can be miserable, yet when they imagine what great philosophers do, they end up imagining the philosophers would advise exactly what is already happening. Right now, you do "cope" with loneliness - to copy is to simply endure something. Enduring loneliness feels like being lonely then doing nothing about it. Well, that's the opposite of how a Stoic acts - a Stoic would be saying "I am feeling compelled to end my loneliness - clearly, I have a need. Frankly, I'd be a lunatic to assume that social contact wasn't a human need. Well, my job is now to adapt my *precognition of loneliness* to the reality of my situation". A Stoic would sign up to things. They might buy a pet, but frankly that is not the most ideal solution - humans primarily need to socialize with other humans, and cats are far from ideal if you are looking to guarantee your pet views you positively and provides companionship. A Stoic would *not* cower in fear from such tasks. They would not say "I want to hide from the world, and somehow numb myself to the consequences of that decision". They would say "if I want to hide from the world, the cost is crippling loneliness, for I am not satisfying my nature. If I do not want to pay the price in loneliness, I need to face my fear and involve myself in social events". You don't need to tell me that signing up to a boxing class or getting a part-time job would cause you to socialize with people. That's not news to you - what's news to you is that you are choosing to be lonely rather than do these things. Choosing to be lonely means you don't have to face your fears. That is not Stoicism and you do not comprehend "focusing on what's in your control", because the thing within your control would be your decision to face the risk of social rejection by entering some kind of social situation - you've chosen to be lonely instead of facing that risk, which means you've used your "control" to shoot yourself in the foot, then you're using Stoicism as an excuse not to take responsibility for the choices you've made.

Coping with Loneliness during my Gap Year

general_qa

i know that the title is a little cliche and perhaps something that is heard of a lot on this subreddit but i honestly don't know where to go with this i recently got out of a toxic relationship and around the end of it i picked up stoicism and reading stoic works particularly meditations the thing I struggle with in this scenario is dealing with some strange feeling i cant identify i deal with jealousy and while that was something i ignored in the relationship now that i ended things i feel guilty for worrying about who she may or may not be with. its a struggle just to be in the same room as her i have been able to manage my emotional reaction and not make rash decisions based on my feelings but the struggle i face is internal i understand that stoicism is not the practice of not feeling emotions but i do wish there was a way to temper my internal monologue a bit especially when i hear or see things that make me over think. i don't struggle with dealing with an external reaction at all i just struggle with being stoically minded particularly in the sense of what i do and do not control i want to be able to be at peace and happy knowing that she and her actions are not in my control and that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things one quote in particular "we often struggle more in imagination then in reality" comes to mind and im looking for any advice that might pertain to gaining the ability to be at peace internally and not just externally

You are experiencing how treating the [DoC as a problem solving tool](https://modernstoicism.com/what-many-people-misunderstand-about-the-stoic-dichotomy-of-control-by-michael-tremblay/) isn't going to help you with actually difficult life problems. I would suggest you study the Discourses of Epictetus. Remembering quotes and mantras aren't going to give you the same mindset the ancient Stoics did. One thing that really stood out from your post is the lack of pacing and structure in the way you write. I'm not being pedantic - how you write a paragraph very much reflects how you think. Practice slowing down your thoughts. Learn to think deeply, not quickly. The majority of Stoic practice involves analyzing your own thoughts. You can't do this properly if you're not giving yourself time to chew on a thought before moving on to the next one.

Dealing with Breakups

general_qa

I've been addicted to food for a long time. I'm trying to fight it but it is very hard. Being addicted make me aware that I'm not a good man,let alone a good stoic. More over, I am very ashamed that I'm the only one in my family with that kind of problem. I've searched for some stoic advices but I found nothing. I would be grateful if someone direct me on a outright way.

You aren't addicted for no reason. There's a reason. A string of events in your body-mind that precede addictive behavior. Look into this. Like a scientist. Study it. Don't judge yourself. Learn. Look! If we want to really find sustainable solutions, we have to be willing to turn ourselves and our genuine curiosity towards the issue. Instead of letting ourselves be subsumed by magic bullet or quick fixes - just tell me the answer, let me just do the thing so its better. This is understandable of course, but it's a kind of momentum from desperation, instead of stepping back and learning to apply our full intelligence to the situation.

What is the stoic advice for being addicted?

general_qa

24 M. Was physically assaulted by club staff (14 v/s 3 of us) 2 years ago. That has given me a great deal of PTSD. I know the usual advice is to avoid physical fights. But if you're having a confrontation with someone and they punch you first, what to do then? What if someone teases my sister or gf? What if they are being unnecessarily physically aggressive? In such cases do I get away and call the authorities or fight?? It's somewhat of a pride thing too. Running way from such situations feels weak and hurts my pride. Thinking about all this has given me great social anxiety. And yes, I am not afraid of getting beaten up. I don't feel anxious in confrontations with known people. It's only with strangers because there's fear of death. TLDR: Was physically assaulted a few years ago. Felt powerless and weak. Got PTSD. Now often get anxious in confrontational social interactions.

Maybe it's just the area but in my entire life I've never been in a fight outside of my job (LEO). Someone teasing your GF is not a reason to start a physical altercation that could lead to death. First off you need to curb your ego, that'll probably keep you out of 90% of fights. Second there's nothing wrong with self defense, but honestly the stoic approach is don't have confrontations with people. It takes two to tango.

Stoic advice on street fights

general_qa

Hi everybody. I found my Dad yesterday morning. He'd died suddenly in his home, alone. This hurts immensely to think about. Around 8 years ago I also found my mother dead. I thought I'd processed that, but I'm finding all those feelings are coming back up now. Maybe that's natural, I'm not sure. A couple of months back I had started to dabble in Stoicism as a concept. I've listened to Meditations and found it really insightful in reframing everyday life. I was hoping to get some advice on the Stoic approach to grief, as I'm really struggling here to tell you the truth. Could anybody point me in the right direction? Thanks very much.

First of all, time has a curative effect on your mind. So give it some time to start with. Remember Seneca when he wrote to his mother a letter to console her grief: > I realized that your grief should not be intruded upon while it was fresh and agonizing, in case the consolations themselves should rouse and inflame it: for an illness too nothing is more harmful than premature treatment. So I was waiting until your grief of itself should lose its force and, being softened by time to endure remedies, it would allow itself to be touched and handled. - Seneca 11.1 Of Consolation to Helvia I realize that you are suffering. But that is natural. Don't suppress it. Don't deny it. Lean into it, at least for a day or two. Most often you will find yourself starting to come to terms with what has happened. Consider looking up what the Stoics had to say about grief, perhaps the rest of Seneca's letter above. The common themes I used to interrogate my grief were; * Everyone must die, those are the rules of life, why should I desire the rules to be changed just for me? * We are all given a certain amount of time, is there not some gratefulness to be had in that he had this much time rather than this little? * I am not alone for his wisdom lives on in me. Not only in terms of what virtues to imitate but also in his flaws, and what to avoid. * There is no suffering in death, there is no harm. It is no evil. I would feel grief, weep, course correct by interrogating it and then distract myself. And repeat the pattern. The Stoics prescribe a lot different. But personally I wasn't ready to implement all the prescriptions at a time of crisis. It would be like waking up at the olympics and trying to become an athlete while running the race by reading a book while running about how to become a runner.

Advice on Grief

general_qa

So long story short...I've been an admirer and reader of the Stoics, particularly Marcus Aurelius, for years. What I'm trying to do is to practice the virtues sufficiently that they become habit and second-nature to me - something that probably will take years if not decades to accomplish. It's a really difficult task and I've messed up (pretty badly) on multiple occasions. And so I often ask myself the question "How did \[insert Stoic\] do it?" At least for Marcus Aurelius it seems part of the answer was keeping himself accountable with his personal journal - what we read as Meditations today. And Meditations is a beautiful book, just...I've found it really hard to read. The problem might be the version, I'm using the Hicks version, but it's always seemed like a collection impossibly difficult maxims that I could appreciate in a moment of serenity but not in a moment of crisis. Is the problem the version I'm using? Am I studying Meditations wrong? Is it just my fault for being slow-witted? Any advice would be much appreciated.

Studying Stoicism from Meditations is like studying high-school physics from Einstein's private study notes on General Relativity. Yes, it's no surprise you're having problems, it's not a problem with you or a specific translation you're using. Find a book that explains Stoicism as a whole (the bot has already given you a link with some recommendations), and when you understand it you'll be able to put Aurelius' reflections into context. If Meditations is what you really want to start with, check out Pierre Hadot's "The Inner Citadel", which is an analysis of Meditations.

How should you actually read Meditations?

general_qa

I wonder what kind of a advice a stoic would give his 20 years old self !

i wouldn't say a goddamn thing. i wouldn't trade this life for anything. even something like buying bitcoin would alter my life, but i'm truly happy with where my life is right now, and that's with huge issues!!

What advice would you give you're 20 years old self

general_qa

I'm a generally very enthusiastic and reliable Person, which has lead to me playing a part in wild array of professional endeavours and informal projects. Now people have gotten used to me being there to support them and move things forward, which in turn leaves me with less and less time to regenerate. I'm still doing all the things I say I'll do, but I realised that people rely on me more than I initially thought. Through my general percieved competence (no doubt a result of my stoic doctrin), I'm often expected that I'll handle unexpected upcoming challenges. How can I pull back without a) disappointing others by leaving them to fend for themselves and b) disappointing myself by not living up to my standards of being a leader and problem solver? Thank you for any advice or stoic literature you have to offer on this topic.

1-If you want peace and tranquility, do less. 2-Make a list or your responsibilities in order of what is most essential, to least essential. Start cutting out the least essential, one by one. 3-Eliminate unessential thoughts, since they often lead to unessential tasks. 4-You can't control if others are disappointed. You can control what you value more, keeping others happy, or yourself happy. Act accordingly and accept the result without complaint. You're a "leader" and "problem solver"? Don't take this advice from me. Take it from a Roman Emperor who certainly had more demanded of him than you or I. "*Democritus has said: 'Do few things, if you would enjoy tranquillity.' May it not be better to do the necessary things and what the reason of a creature intended by Nature to be social prescribes, and as that reason prescribes? For this brings not only the tranquillity from doing right but also from doing few things. For if one removes most of what we say and do as unnecessary, he will have more leisure and less interruption. Wherefore on each occasion he should remind himself: 'Is this not one of the necessary things?' And he should remove not actions merely that are unnecessary, but imaginations also, for in this way superfluous actions too will not follow in their train.*" -Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book IV, 24

How to cope with expectations?

general_qa

I'm very new to stoicism, i'm not really a stoic but I thought that advice from r/stoicism might help. Whenever I make a mistake like accidentally locking myself out on the balcony or dropping a plate I just think "Why are you so pathetic", that self pity makes me feel terrible but I can't just let go of it. I can't just go "it is what it is" and forget it, that feeling still lingers despite me acknowledging that I made a mistake and that it's fixed. I'm very emotionally fragile inside and controlling my emotions is hard, it's challenging for me to press onwards after feeling bad.

I used to think very much like this. *For me*, I couldn't have told myself "it is what it is" and walk away unbothered because they were not understood to be small things. *For me* these would have been small examples of a larger "truth" I believed about myself. Believing you're pathetic (or worse) isn't a small thing; our sense of self is huge. It can make or break us. It wasn't until I learned about Stoicism that I learned to interpret these events differently, and more importantly, to think about myself and my relationship with the world around me differently, and decades of self-loathing beliefs began to slowly wash away. Slow because it takes time to unlearn a lifetime of habits, but in my experience it was well worth it. You'll get some nice advice here, and you already have I see, but nothing can replace understanding the philosophy, and that comes by study. Here's a good place to start: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new).

How do I stop letting small mistakes get to me?

general_qa

Hi everyone I would like to ask you what exercises you need to do in order to grow in virtue. I read Marcus Aurelius several times, but I abandoned it in favor of the diatribes and the encheiridiona of Epictetus. I also read Cicero, whom I like very much because of his understanding of virtue. 1 Specific question: what do you think about asceticism as a preferential good that purifies all vices from man? Such as laziness, lack of self-discipline, and so on. Of course, this serves as a preliminary stage, for it is known that the man who tilles the soil, has uprooted the weeds, cut the earth, and sows or plants, that is, develops virtues. That's not to say that he hasn't done it before, but that getting rid of the superfluous helps. What do you think? (P.S. I'm a fan of Cynic asceticism) 2 Can virtue be exercised and will it always be present until we neglect it? I'm afraid that virtue is only an exercise of judgments in the mind that we hold onto, and that when they are lacking, it turns out that there is no virtue and never has been? After all, if it turns out that Stoic virtue is just a matter of the mind, I think I'd rather have Cicero's teaching on virtue than the Greek masters. 3 Do you have any internships that you can recommend to me? The reason I'm asking you this is that I'd rather deal with practices than just theoretical scripts on a lot of websites. I believe I can learn a lot from you, so if you would like to share some advice with me, I will be happy to hear it. Please be patient and understanding, I'm not even sure if I gave the right flair (I'm sorry if I chose the wrong one). I try to learn new things and analyze what I already know, whether what I knew was really right. Best regards!

1. I think Epictetus' take is smart and worthy of attention: temporary asceticism aids one in removing their passions; it does not remove vice, it helps a newcomer reevaluate their attitudes and judgments toward external things they're accustomed to desiring and, when these things are attained, unduly finding pleasure in. 2. Only the sage has virtue. Cleanthes thought it could not be lost, but his successor disagreed. This may be helpful: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/episteme-techne/#Stoi. Connecting to the first question, it might be worth noting that Epictetus' asceticism was meant to help prepare the student to gain an understanding of virtue and how to reasonably desire it. While the student is practicing restraint from all desire, and until they've reached a certain point there, virtue is out of reach. 3. This post may be of interest: https://old.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/18w70zh/are_there_any_online_stoicism_courses_worth_doing/

On Virtue, Asceticism and the Request for Help

general_qa

Yeah that's basicallly it. In a nutshell, i was raised by a loving christian family and ended up becoming an atheist a year ago, without them knowing it. I love my family more than anything, and they help me a lot, my brother is like a father to me as he taught me a lot of the values i have today, in which some correlate to that of Stoicism. But the problem is, i stopped believing in God. I am not seeking for religious advice or anything, because it just doesn't make sense to me in believing in a religion again, what i am struggling with is how to deal with it when it comes to my family. I know they would get sad and maybe even exclude me for it... I feel helpless because as far as i am concerned i am the only one in my family that doesn't believe in the religion and that makes me feel lonely and unmotivated. Not only that, but oftentimes i feel like i am being too selfish, in the sense of "They did everything to me and now you just leave everything", specially towards my mom who struggled a lot to raise me. Its been weeks i am dealing with this, and this questioning in my head is destroying me, i just can't work properly anymore with all of this. I would like to know how me, as a someone who considers myself a stoic should deal with this, i even considered returning to the faith but i did that twice before and i relapsed back to atheism and i am afraid it could happen again I am aware that Stoicism teaches that i should focus on what i can control, but since i am still underage, the only thing i can still control here is to pretend i am still a believer and attending the church with them.

There's no need, advantage, gain in telling your family about your choice. Unless you're seeking drama for drama's sake.

Afraid of how my family would react to my lack of beliefs

general_qa

OK, maybe not really like /r/niceguys, I am happily married, and when I was single I had no problems dating, although casually dating, FWB, ONS. My "problems" manifest mostly at work, friendships and family members. ----- I am not new to Stoicism, I have read the classics and Pigliucci/Irvine; and I know that Stoicism is not about suppressing one's emotions. I am posting here because the mods allow *"Seeking Stoic Advice"* posts, and because the comments here are the best quality comments across the entire Reddit ecosystem. I am an old(er) Redditor and I have come a long way in my life; up until not long ago I thought that my life was pretty great, then the other day I lost my temper, something that had not happened in a very long time, and that I thought it was gone from my personality; but there I was. And it was ugly. I was ugly. Details withheld because they don't matter. Losing one's temper is uncalled for. Period. But my reflections on what happens has led me to keen observation of my MO(s) and behavior, and I have come to the realization that: 1. I don't perform well in confrontations 2. I don't perform well under stress (stress real or imagined) 3. I play "nice" by default, but then turn ugly in situations #1 and #2 above. 4. So really, I am not that "nice". I have read "No More Mr Nice Guy", as well as "Not Nice" and "The Disease to Please". Dear members of this Stoa, if you are still with me, besides my Stoic practice of reading and re-reading the classics and selective modern Stoic writers (I don't do Ryan H), daily journaling, daily journaling challenging my belief systems, what resources do you have for me to better myself? I am also looking into my insurance benefits for going to therapy too. I have been in therapy in the past for depression and then declared depression-free (and I believe it). I know I have some problems with anxiety and, of course, anger; but I do believe that anxiety and anger are related. Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks in advance.

I read No More Mr. Nice Guy 3 years ago and realized it was 100% me. I read Epictetus and realized it was 100% not me, but closer to who I want to be. When I get angry, I journal it out. I try to identify what was the impression that I received? Then, what was the judgment I made of that impression? Was my response to that impression virtuous? You could say this is closing the barn door after the horse got out, but it's the only way I know how to get better. Look at Discourses 3.8. Epictetus gives us instructions on how exactly to train our mind to respond to impressions. There's also nothing wrong with using the No More Mr. Nice Guy playbook to review your actions. Did you get upset because you had a covert contract? Were you previously unable to express your displeasure with something because you were avoiding conflict and then it exploded out of you? Taking the time to dissect failures gives you a better chance of finding the right path in the moment next time.

I am one of the r/niceguys. How do I undo this?

general_qa

I'm in love with an addict, and I recently our relationship. When I broke up with him, I told him that part of the reason I was ending things was that I loved him too much to watch him kill himself. I was experiencing a lot of emotional distress because of his addiction and the way he was letting it impact his life and our relationship. He's a truly beautiful man, with a heart like none I've ever met and more love to give that I ever knew was possible, but was destroying his health and making it impossible to maintain a romantic relationship. From a Stoic perspective, I'm curious how to navigate our post-breakup friendship or whether I should not have one with him. Would growing as a Stoic mean learning to accept his self-destructive tendencies, and choose to serve as a support and friend if he chooses to get sober? Would it mean lovingly holding him accountable when he asks for support, and pointing out his patterns when he wants advice? Or would growing as a Stoic mean accepting that a leopard cannot change its spots, accepting that remaining in his life may be harming us both more than anything, and walking away? I will greatly appreciate any wisdom or experience this community has to share.

>Or would growing as a Stoic mean accepting that a leopard cannot change its spots, accepting that remaining in his life may be harming us both more than anything, and walking away? You know full-well it's this one.

In love with an addict

general_qa

Hi, I have recently tried to read more about stoicism to combat my anxiety. I bought "Meditations" , and I am now working my way trough it. I recently got to know that I am moving, and moving out from my current rental. Which I have had soon over a year. I am worrying constantly and anxious about the landlord fining me a lot of money for wear & tear. Is there any stoic advice that could perhaps help me? Just looking for a way to better myself and my mind.

Paraphrasing Epictetus in Discourses: > "He who does not worry about the future suffers, at most, once whenever a tragedy happens. But he who does worry about the future suffers twice: once in his imagination before the tragedy, and once when the tragedy itself happens. Indeed, often the worrier suffers only in his mind; tragedy may strike in his mind but not in reality. The mind can imagine torments far more severe than could ever happen in reality"

Seeking advice: Anxiety about the future

general_qa

I've been practicing Stoicism for a couple of years now, and I do see some improvements. These days I am tackling an issue that I have: when I interact with people I tend to "forget" to pay attention to the moment, to be Mindfull, and I react emotionally to most everything. While I know this is not a Stoic matter, there's always a lot of useful advice here, Stoic advice. So, how can I maintain my Mindfullness when interacting with other people? TIA

>These days I am tackling an issue that I have: when I interact with people I tend to "forget" to pay attention to the moment, to be Mindfull, and I react emotionally to most everything. In my experience, this reaction is a result of automatic judgments about your circumstances. The way the Stoics understood this mental process was something like this: You experience stimuli like sight and sound (someone is talking to you). Your mind automatically and very quickly creates an impression about this experience (she's angry). This impression is like a proposition of reality. Your mind is suggesting the following is a true statement, "What I'm seeing and hearing is the result of her anger. Furthermore, she's angry at what I said just now." This is followed by the next impression, which has to do with her anger, and whether or not it's justified, or you're being falsely accused (each of which inspires the next impression, etc, etc) When you have the time, quietly and carefully look at these impressions and question them, scrutinize them, challenge them against what you know as well (ie, it's not logical to go immediately to a knee-jerk defense without first hearing what she has to say). This is where journaling can be really helpful. Write this out as a court case, make your beliefs defend themselves. Challenge them with every argument you can think of. This will help you identify any [cognitive biases](https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-biases-distort-thinking-2794763) and [blind spots](https://effectiviology.com/bias-blind-spot/) (which we all have) that are contributing to your understanding, or misunderstanding of events. As you change your beliefs, the same situations won't carry the same meaning. When we frame our experience differently, we feel differently about it. If you're reacting emotionally to things, it may be an indication you've got a lot of beliefs stumbling over one another and you haven't taken sufficient time to suss them out. "Mindfulness," or being mindful is a product of this process - it is the response to a situation based on the belief that waiting and observing is the often best option. >While I know this is not a Stoic matter, there's always a lot of useful advice here, Stoic advice. How to understand and relate to our experiences is always a Stoic matter. >So, how can I maintain my Mindfullness when interacting with other people? In addition to practice (which includes not shaming yourself for lacking a skill you haven't yet developed), I would encourage you to take some time to really look at those beliefs you hold, the ones that inspire the emotional responses of worry, hurry, and desire to scurry.

How do I maintain Mindfulness when interacting with people?

general_qa

When practicing temperance in a situation where you are offended how should you respond to the person that offended you. In my situation this person is my father in law and my mother in 2 separate situations. Normally I am not bothered by others options and what they say to me because I do not care what a random person thinks of me. However in this situation I value both relationships and respect both people. I am struggling with how I should feel. Is there any advice or stoic teaching that y'all have read of or used in this kind of situation? Also any links or reading I could do on the topic would be really appreciated. Thank you for your time. -PG

The Stoics argued another person cannot cause us offense since the essence that is us, the thing that identifies us as an autonomous agent, cannot be harmed by anyone or anything. [As Michael Tremblay explains](https://tremblaymichael.wordpress.com/category/stoicism/introduction-to-stoicism/): >Stoicism argues that what we fundamentally are is our *hegemonikon* or ruling-faculty. The ruling-faculty considers information, and then makes a decision about how to act based on that information. As such, it can be roughly understood as our faculty of choice. We are just this choice and nothing else. We are not our possessions, our reputation, or even our body, but just this capacity to reflect upon information, and make a decision. In this way, considering why your feelings were hurt by a comment or experience would give you the opportunity to understand what impressions you hold to be true, and make corrections where necessary. In this light, temperance isn't something you practice, as it's not a behavior to be applied to a situation. Rather, temperance is the knowledge of what goal to seek. You might find this series of posts helpful: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new).

Temperance

general_qa

I recently began reading a translation of Epictetus' works. In one part of it, he says it is better to be poor and starve to death in tranquility than to live anxiously in abundance. He also says "you can always win competitions in which winning is up to you". Now I have recently decided to take a big leap in my career by giving an extremely difficult exam and move abroad. My reasons are that I will be at the top of my career (and very good at my job) with a significant improvement in pay and a better work life balance. My reason for leaving my country is bad work culture & toxicity, being undervalued, bad working hours. The whole process of moving abroad is extremely difficult and taxing. Reading the above stoic advice has got me confused because this goes directly against it. I really do want to achieve things and be pretty good at my job. Pay is secondary. However, I do value a good work life balance. Should I adopt these stoic values and change my mind about this huge step I am going to take? Is there any other view this? Please help.

Epictetus is talking about a choice between poor and happy vs rich and miserable. If your choice was poor and miserable vs rich and happy obviously it doesn't apply.

Stoic values and Career

general_qa

Some of you might be thinking, aren't t people supposed to be happy and feeling fresh for a new year. Well not so much for me. I'm a teenager. I got to put up with harder subjects, difficult teachers, in a new environment because of changing classes and having to put up with my family's reprimands or strict ideals. I know this might all sound minor. But to top it off, I've experienced possibly the most gruelling period of my life I had ever faced. You might want to read my posts back in around April-July this year. Assuming that you've read my posts, I have developed a trauma towards the whole experience. I do not want to degrade others with much worse traumatic experiences. I'm afraid that next year I will have another "gruelling period of my life". Now the one back in April-July left me traumatised, so it makes the fear much more scarier. I'm not traumatized by the event itself, but the process of overcoming it. I went through a lot of struggle just to cope and overcome. And it was so arduous to go through that now I am intensely afraid of experiencing that same pain and struggle of overcoming another occurrence. Sometimes when I come across scenarios where the atmosphere feels similar to one of the situations back then, I would actually start to become self-conscious and panic. I would physically feel my heart starting to feel uncomfortable. Again, from an external view, this might seem a bit minor but for me it was definitely damaging so bear with me. A part of me knows going through it is necessary for growth and learning. Since it was exactly that period of April-July that forced me to find something to help cope with things, that being finding Stoicism. Any similar hurdles in the future may also present the same kind of opportunities. But I can't help but worry and fear that similar things will occur in the next few years of my life. Just imagining having to go through so much of that same traumatic struggle. And this trauma causes the fear of suffering to overpower the fear of remaining static or the lack of growth. I also can't help but worry about the far future of my life as a whole and all the difficult things I need to deal with along the way. But I'll assume I won't live that long, and even telling myself this isn't enough (I am not suicidal by any means). I'm aware that there are many stoic doctrines that can help with my situation or that this anxiety is just fleeting and should just live with it. But despite that I still can't help but worry. And I'm really starting to lose my ground to the present. It just keeps occupying my mind full of these scary images. And I don't have the time or privacy to randomly close my eyes and spend 5 or 10 minutes to mentally rehearse all my approaches(that's how I personally do it). Any advice from fellow stoic practitioners is much appreciated. It's also best if your response can be concentrated on all the aspects I've mentioned and thank you for understanding.

How are you progressing with your Stoic studies? You asked for book recommendations recently - what did you end up buying and what are you currently reading?

Dreading the dawn of a new year and beyond it

general_qa

I just can't take any responsibility. I can't go to school without outside involvement, I never finish something I started, can't stick to a schedule, I just can't do things on my own will.

Self limiting mindset. You absolve yourself of responsibility by saying you can't do it without outside involvement, which is weakness. A failure of will. > At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: "I have to go to work-as a human being. What do I have to complain of, If I'm going to do what I was born for-the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?" - Marcus Aurelius

Stoic advice on taking responsibility

general_qa

A friend I considered close has disappointed me and out of curiosity I would like to hear how others may choose to act in this situation (from a stoic point of view). A month ago I had a low point and messaged my friend if she could call me whenever she was free. No response. A month passes and she completely ignores the message. I know she'd been out partying etc. At the very least she could've messaged me just to let me know she's a little busy and will catch up when she's available etc. out of respect. Additionally, I usually spend Christmas with her family because I'm in a foreign country and I've gotten close with them; they are always so caring and kind to me. Before this silent month, she had mentioned the invite from her parents again. But since ignoring my message she also never followed up on that invite or bothered checking on my Christmas plans etc. I also did not feel comfortable reaching out to inquire about coming over for Christmas since she hasn't even had the courtesy to open my message. Finally I receive a lame message from her on the 23rd about how she apparently didn't notice my message and that she's been busy working and fell ill on the week etc. I love her but I know she has tendencies to be...entitled and kind of unreliable. Not only with me but that's her core personality. She does what feels best to herself in the moment dealing with the consequences later. There's also been one other ongoing issue (nothing too serious but still enough for me to get annoyed and insecure) that I've tried to communicate to her but her behavior has not changed and I'm not sure I'm comfortable tolerating it anymore. I haven't bothered to respond to her message yet. I considered just ghosting her myself snd not talking to her again. Is that a bit too strong a reaction?

I am not a psychologist or anything like that, but it sounds to me like your feelings got really hurt because your friend didn't come through in the way you had hoped, and then you tested her to confirm your suspicions. And now you're punishing her by withholding your friendship because she doesn't deserve it. The thing is, the problems you've identified and the solutions you've come up with to resolve those problems aren't effective. These problems will continue to repeat with others because your fundamental understanding of your needs and your relationships is inefficient. If you start with the wrong premise, you'll not find the right solution no matter how genuinely you wish to do so. Stoicism can offer a framework for understanding and navigating the social world. It requires the intention and ability to develop a paradigm shift in some pretty major places. You might find this philosophy to be a helpful guide; I did, and I grew up in a family that acted quite like this (case in point, I talked with my mother this morning and learned of something that would have made me flip my lid, today I just laughed, it's so silly!). I would encourage you to read Epictetus' Discourses. You can find it online in a number of different translations, and if any of it to be poignant, you can read more. I found a few sentences and ideas hit me like a bolt, and it started changing the way I thought of my experiences. Then I read more. I'm not a very fast reader, but it's like looking at those optical illusion paintings - once you see the hidden image that was always there, you can't not see it. Stoicism is that hidden image that was always there.

How would you proceed in my situation from a stoic point of view? Advice for dealing with a flaky friend

general_qa

I've accepted that I'm going to be single forever and I'm wondering if there's any stoic perspective on how to cope with such a fundamental human desire being thwarted forever. P.S. please to answer the actual question and not give me dating advice.

Epictetus may serve as a role model for you. He never married and had no children. In later life he adopted a child and hired a woman to help care for her. As far as we can tell, he invested his life fully in teaching Stoicism. Other people who never married and yet led significant lives include Jane Austen, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, Queen Elizabeth I, Florence Nightingale and Nikola Tesla. I knew someone who lived and died without ever finding the relationship happiness she was looking for. It does happen, but it doesn't mean your life has to be miserable and meaningless.

Does stoicism offer any advice on coping with being "forever alone"?

general_qa

I am constantly worried about the smallest signs of that something is wrong and I always take it to the biggest of extremes. I am seeking Stoic advice on this issue to relieve my worries.

Health anxiety is a challenge in today's western world for sure. We can cure the most amazing things today, if they get to it on time. Getting to it on time is a challenge because the health systems in many countries are still overwhelmed or inaccessible. So people try to look for information on the internet where every diagnosis is potentially cancer. This then trigger the prospect of dying, and doubt. If you fear death, then issues with your health will cause anxiety. If you fear pain, then issues with your health will cause anxiety. I don't think Stoic philosophy has a quick fix other than starting from the beginning and spending a couple of years at it. If it's any consolation, we usually overthink these things. Learn diaphragmatic breathing if your anxiety feels like panic.

Health anxiety

general_qa

I'm 19 years old and my mom has early-onset alzheimer's disease. She was diagnosed at only 50. It's not been easy at all. I wouldn't say I'm new to stoicism, I've read Meditations, Discourses, and Letters from a Stoic. I've been interested and learning about it for a few years now, since before my mom's diagnosis. The issue is that learning about it and applying it are two very different beasts, which I'm sure you all know. It's silly, but for some reason I feel like this is a true stoic "test" for me: facing an insurmountable tragedy I have no way of helping. How do I navigate the future? I understand that this is something I have no power over; it is completely out of my control. But how do I actually *apply* that to myself? When I first started learning about stoicism, it was relatively straightforward to internalize because I wasn't facing something like this. But now that I am... I'm realizing just how difficult this philosophy really is to apply when tragedy strikes. How do I do this? How do I navigate through this? I'm struggling so much and so any bits of advice would be more than appreciated.

Understand that following stoicism doesn't mean not feeling any emotions through this difficult diagnosis. Feel sad, feel frustrated, feel anger - all those emotions are natural and part of the "navigating." Where stoicism can help is in deciding how you respond to your situation, what actions you take during this time. You can commit to being the best son you can be. You can be a good sibling and be a comfort to others who also love your mom. Best of luck as you work through this very difficult time.

A Stoic approach to dealing with a parent who has early-alzheimer's disease?

general_qa

So around two weeks ago, my life was going well, my self esteem was rising from a shit 2022, and i thought i was out of the ringer. Then all that hope was thrashed into peices. bassically this kid that i was sort of friends with made this rumor about me saying that i leaked his home adress. This was a blow as i thought this kid was my friend. Then my popualarity and reputation that i once had crumbled. I thought this was the deepest pit of hell a man can face, all his friends who he realises are fake leaving him, although it got worse, so much more worse. Then he added me to this group chat on snapchat and got this kid to threaten me and press me, no matter how much i tried to explain they would not understamd the truth. They forced me to confess to somthing i did not do under the threat of a beating. And i thought that that was it, it got worse, this was probably the first time i experienced real trauma, and im only a highschooler. They added me to another chat with 15 other kids, who were all gang affiliated although in highschool and they threatened me, harrased me and even said they would stab me. Those thoughts keep me up at night. Anyways i kept this all to myself, my pearents did not need added stress, and i was forced to pay these people 20$ to let me live. It got worse, the next weekend i had a family gathering, in wich took my mind of taht trauma, on monday i checked my snapchat, apparently over the weekend i was placed in another groupchat with even more kids, giving more death threats to me. the things they said made my shiver, i gave one $20 now they all wanted up to 50$ saying they wanted a new vape or a new knife. But when they did not get a response from me as i was busy with the gathering and hanging out with my cousins. They moved on to 3 other kids, pressing them, death threating them, they sent images of their guns and knives and vapes to them, and even took $50 from them. I could not let this slide, i had to make sure this would nto happen again, i got another phone and recorded the whole conversation,this way they would not know i collected this. That should atleast send them to juvie right? But i wanna tell the authorities in a way that would not let them know that i was the snitch, cos if they find out man then idk what will happen... anyways its been 3 weeks, school break has started,i deleted my snap account and blocked them all, i only have my family and becaus of erliar events no friends to spend the break with. I intend to spend the next year hiding from them all, taking a new route home, spending my breakes in the libary. But those thoughtsv still haunt me. I dont know what to do. Could stoisicim help me?

Stoicism can't help you but your parents can. Talk with them, you're not equipped to handle this. Things like this are adults' responsibilities.

I need good advice from some stoic men, because i dont know what will happen to me now, im getting death threats in highschool

general_qa

Hey everyone. I consider myself an amateur stoic; have read Aurelius and Seneca and am currently reading Epictetus. A little background: So I had a 5+ year relationship that ended late 2021. We ended up remaining best friends to this day. Since then, I wanted to get back with her, but have tabled it due to her wanted to work on herself and heal some personal trauma(due to school and family deaths). Throughout the process, I have really tried to be patient, but the past 6 months or so I have been losing my patience with the situation. The real issue: I am fine with the whole "single" dynamic and letting her heal on her own. However, I do have personal sexual needs that are not being met (I have high sex drive). The last time we had sex was Jan 2022. We live together in seperate rooms but still kiss and maintain a closeness. I have tried to work with her and be patient and understanding but there have been so many times where something can happen and she pulls away. At this point, seeing how much I am hurting, she has told me to look elsewhere to get what I need. The problem with this is that I am devoted to her and am not looking for sex in that kind of way. I am at my breaking point. It not like I am addicted or am falling prey to my desires, as I have done without for past 2 years. But I also want to experience fun and life. Stoicism has definitely helped me maintain the past year. But the lack of any progress coupled with my inability to move on is shaking me. Reading Seneca and how he talks about time makes this situation feel all the more urgent to me... Would love some good advice. Thanks for reading

With respect, perhaps you're at your breaking point because you're hanging onto a fantasy that she is unwilling to accommodate, and, fortunately, you realize you're not entitled to demand. The problem is not sex, the problem is your inability to recognize and conform your preconceptions about sex, relationships, and your relationship with her specifically, to your specific circumstances. You might find this article helpful: [The Proper Application of Preconceptions: Curing "The Cause of All Human Ills" by Greg Lopez](https://modernstoicism.com/the-proper-application-of-preconceptions-curing-the-cause-of-all-human-ills-by-greg-lopez/). When you get to the fourth book of Epictetus' Discourses, pay special attention to the first chapter. >He is free who lives as he likes; who is not subject to compulsion, to restraint, or to violence; whose pursuits are unhindered, his desires successful, his aversions unincurred. You're not free, you're compelled by your belief that you need sex with her to be comfortable, for your life to be well, to be released from your life of constraint. This is not looking at the matter as it is but as you wish it to be. Until you are able to face any circumstance without believing you require others or to be some way for your well being, you are at the mercy of your haphazardly produced, hastily analyzed thoughts, forever seeking confirmation bias for validation. >What is it, then, that makes a man free and independent? For neither riches, nor consulship, nor the command of provinces nor of kingdoms, can make him so; but something else must be found. What is it that keeps any one from being hindered and restrained in penmanship, for instance? " The science of penmanship." In music? "The science of music." Therefore in life too, it must be the science of living. As you have heard it in general, then, consider it likewise in particulars. Is it possible for him to be unrestrained who desires any of those things that are within the power of others? "No." Can he avoid being hindered? "No." Therefore neither can he be free. Your freedom does not lie in the arms of your friend. It does not lie at her lips. It does not lie at her willingness to have sex with you. It lies in your ability to realize these actions aren't necessary to live well. You need to wake up from the dream that this woman, or any woman, holds your relief and freedom. Remove that burden from her, it's unfair, irrational, and hostile. Remove that burden from you, it's tethering you to a fantasy that prevents you from living free. Until you learn to do that, you will continue to feel frustrated.

A unique and frustrating relationship (need good stoic advice)

general_qa

It might sound good to feel important but I don't like it cause I wanna be a normal person.

In order to better ensure that users seeking Stoic advice receive well-informed, Stoic responses, we have decided to [refine some requirements in the subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/18f5pc0/one_major_change_and_some_minor_changes_to_the/). Posts that are not specifically and recognizably Stoic advice may be removed.

Why can't I get rid of the feeling that I'm special or important? And do the stoics have advice for this ?

general_qa

I've been reading about stoicism for about a year now and its had a huge impact on my mental health, however recently my ability to put it to use has been tested to say the least. This may seem trivial compared to other peoples problems, but I have a young cat (soon to be five y/o) who I may lose in the near future. He has a condition he has to be medicated for and this medication has a long list of probable side effects, the biggest one being another illness where I have decided that I would rather put him down than make him go through that treatment. This is not a 100% certanity, but it is indeed a very probable risk and I cannot stop worrying, waiting and bracing myself for the heartache of having to decide to let him go. I have had more time than many others have gotten and I try to be thankful for this and to appreciate each day instead of thinking about the next, but this is constantly on my mind and I feel so sad and anxious about it. Any advice would be much appreciated. Tl;dr: There is a big risk I might have to put my cat down in the near future, seeking advice on how not to waste the remaining time worrying.

My dog just turned 15 and the entirety of the last year I've expected him to need to be put down at any time. I've been able to appreciate the time I have with him and not worry about losing him, though. I mean, I know it's going to suck. But why grieve early? It's not going to shorten the overall time spent grieving! If you stay grounded in the present moment (guided meditations can help with this!) you can easily see-and sense with your other senses too-that your pet is right in front of you. Your floof is a little marvel. A love box. Your friend and companion. Appreciate him fully and put your full attention on the moment, and you won't have space for grief. Also, know that when the time comes, you'll be able to handle it. It will be okay. You'll stay present then, too. Finally, our little loves are never truly gone. You can close your eyes any time you want and feel them with you. Their memory truly does live on in our hearts. Love is everywhere, we only have to be still to feel it arise around us. Wishing you well.

Stoic advice for the probable loss of a pet?

general_qa

BTW: I wasn't sure if I should be putting this in the "New to Stoicism" or in "Seeking Stoic Advice" - I've only been interested in Stoicism as a means for dealing with my own circumstances for the past year or so. For some context: I struggle with the actual practicing of Stoicism, mostly due to having ADHD (mostly the Inattentive type). Despite trying to work on it, I can often find the impulsive nature of my mind engages way too quickly. If I'm in a 'hyperfocused' state regarding Stoicism, I can manage that a little better - but the effort it seems to take mentally is exhausting. So: I don't think I've seen this discussed - but how much time and effort is spent mentally going over the practice of being Stoic? I am aware in CBT there are often things like half-hour daily exercises, but these are really more transformative things that are designed to work over longer periods. To me, Stoicism is more a 'way of life' kind of philosophy and thinking - reacting to and interpreting situations and circumstances constantly. That constant examination and practice seems exhausting to me. I'm the kind of person who can become mentally exhausted after doing a client meeting, or having a slightly busier day, or just one of those days where my brain decides to inner monologue about anything and everything constantly. Add to that all the little rules I have to follow otherwise I'll lose things, forget things and generally mess my day up horribly. I often have to force myself to mono-task and try to keep focus even doing a simple thing like making a cup of tea or a sandwich. This is all compounded by my seeing this quote of Epictetus: "Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it." when I've been searching for some kind of guidance. To me, to embody something is to take it on completely, utterly - it becomes ***everything***. I guess alternatively - what is a good balance of applying Stoic principles in your mind over just letting things flow naturally to see how well the practices are taking hold? (In my life, and mind, if I'm not actively thinking about a process, then that process can very much not exist at all. So coming into a situation where I *could* practice a Stoic principle, I'll forget that I can and instead do something else, and on reflection, something worse.) I hope this makes sense, it's really hard for me to put down into words exactly what I'm trying to get across (and I'm sure I've probably missed some obvious point I should have made lol).

When you first learn to drive, you have to think about it constantly every time you're in control of a car. Even after you pass your test, you constantly remind yourself "ok now I take the handbrake off, remember to signal, check the mirrors..." But after a while driving becomes automatic, and you can listen to music or talk to a friend without making errors in your driving, because you've internalised what you need to do and no longer need to consciously think about it to the same extent. I think changing your mindset to a new philosophy or structure is like that. Initially it takes up TONS of time and energy (like you, I have limited spoons), but after a while it becomes more automatic to question your impressions, withhold assent until the reality is clear, govern your desires and so on. I do recommend that people don't try to implement Stoicism until they have a reasonable grasp of the basic theories. You can waste a lot of energy going off in the wrong direction which would be better used getting a solid grounding in the principles.

How much mental energy or thought process does practicing Stoicism take up?

general_qa

I'm going to be giving birth in a few weeks. What advice does Stoic philosophy have for me? Has anyone on here faced this experience and found Stoic perspectives helpful? I plan to use pain medication in combination with other coping techniques - I find it most helpful personally to think of childbirth as lying along the spectrum of human experience that we can bring the resources of humanity (modern medicine!) to bear against, rather than a primal/natural event that my body will handle in a way separate from other parts of my life. (Dying is also part of the human experience, and people with a choice in the matter rarely form a goal of "getting through it without unnatural interventions.") But I also understand that people feel many ways about this topic, and have a great admiration for people who pursue an unmedicated delivery - please don't make this post into a war about which of these approaches is "more Stoic." Even though I expect to get an epidural, the education and medical advice I've gotten are consistent in recommending to delay epidurals until fairly late in the game (or at least it seems late to me) to avoid slowing labor. Epidurals can also fail or turn out to be unavailable for a variety of reasons. So I know I'm in for ??? hours of steadily increasing discomfort and pain, in an altered mental and hormonal state I haven't experienced before. I also have never had my pain tolerance tested to an extreme degree, and know that pain tolerance and the experience of what labor feels like varies hugely. I vacilate between using voluntary discomfort as opportunities to practice not-suffering, and trying not to borrow worry/suffering from the future by going too nuts with it. I hold a lot of ice cubes and long yoga poses, and have access to good resources for specific mental management techniques for handling contractions. Stoic perspectives have been very helpful to me during pregnancy, both for pregnancy symptoms (treatable and untreatable) and for thinking about upcoming labor. There is a lot I can't control both about things that are inevitable (pain) and things that are unknowable (what complications arise, if I have back labor or require other medical interventions, if my epidural fails) - and it's very freeing to realize this means that me ruminating about it won't change anything. I don't have a significant formal background in stoic philosophy, so I'd be grateful for both your own impressions as well as specific topics, concept names, or readings that might be relevant. I am interested in any male or female perspectives on this question, so long as they don't amount to "women just have some kind of special sauce for going through childbirth and they forget it afterward!" (This question is inspired by the "voluntary discomfort" post, and a look through the archives suggests there's only been a few posts on this topic ever. This is my 'pregnancy' reddit account and I'm a regular reader of r/Stoicism on my main account.)

If you trust your obstetrician, lean on their advice for timing, dosage, etc. They do this every day. If they are dedicated to the virtue of quality care, their advice is valuable, based on experience, and better than any you are likely to find on the internet. When my wife delivered, the epidural was helpful and well timed. Epictetus cautions us to wipe our noses when we need to and not waste our time deliberating the why or the injustice of our condition. I am not equating delivery with a nose cold. I am merely saying that your time now might be better spent practicing Lamaze breathing than worrying about things that there are caring experts for. Stay hydrated. Eat well. Ask questions of the facility or team that will be assisting you in your delivery. If you are a Stoic sage, perhaps you will be able to avoid the foul language my wife used during contractions. Maybe you can even avoid digging your fingernails all the way to the bones in your partner's hand.

Stoicism for giving birth

general_qa

**I prefer X. But X is absent in reality. Y is present. This makes me sad/disappointed/frustrated, etc. What is stoic advice or way of thinking?** For example: * I want the weather to be sunny. But it is cloudy. And it makes me sad. * I prefer people to be happy. But then I go out and few seem to be happy at least when I see them. It makes me disappointed. * I prefer people to be really connected to each other, face to face. I prefer genuine and honest communication. But I see a lot of people on their phone. Not talking to each other in the cafe. * I love people to be thoughtful, wise and have a certain depth in their thinking. But then I see many people who totally lack such characteristics. Result: Despair. * I prefer my life to be a series of successes. But it is not. It is a mixed baggage of success and failure. I feel unhappy.

Stoicism includes, in a large part, the managing of our expectations with reality. You can prefer things such as a sunny day, but to set your expectation on it being sunny will lead to disappointments because none of us can control the the weather. What you are describing, in every instance, are what are called false impressions. You are pivoting your state on an outcome. That in essence, makes you subordinate to things which are not up to you. Stoicism is about working to identify this process within you and then using virtue/excellence/right reasoning on all things, which in turn leads you to avoid this trap. So the real question here is simply: Are you willing to let go of your false reasoning in order to improve your perceived level of happiness?

When my preferences and reality part ways....

general_qa

We broke up with my partner 2 months ago after 5 years of being together, and my life has been a living hell since then. I lost my job, had to move back in with my parents, I have no friends, everyone in my family is completely unavailable emotionally so I can't turn to anyone for emotional support and the therapist I've been seeing isn't much help either. (she's a great person and she's helped me with other things but I just don't feel like it helps much with this) Meanwhile she started seeing someone else less than a week after we broke up, and she seems very happy without me in her life. I keep having intrusive thoughts imagining of her enjoying life with her current partner, doing things we used to do together, having sex, etc. I rediscovered stoicism recently and tried to apply some stoic principles to my situation. I understand that my feelings of jealousy and betrayal come from a misunderstanding of reality. I don't own or control this person, she is free to do whatever she wants and I should not base my happiness/life on her presence in my life. But I just can't change how I feel. I also can't treat this like a learning opportunity, or to become a better person, because I don't want that. I don't look forward to anything in life, I just want to escape, I just want it to stop. Reason I'm making this post is becaue I have nowhere else to turn and I'm hoping people here may have some advice for me.

In terms of stoicism you really have to adopt the "it is what it is" mentality. I know it's hard especially after a 5 year relationship. I've been there twice with long relationships myself. But I'm reality she has this relationship lined up probably for some time and that's why it was so easy for her to go to someone else. In the meantime you have to recalibrate your purpose beyond this relationship and focus on you and what you want for your life. I can completely relate to your situation because I'm in a similar predicament currently, but without focus towards something greater beyond this woman you will constantly have her in your head and you won't be able to function or persevere forward. As Seneca said, "A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man without trials." Let this be your trial to be stronger for yourself in the future and really carve your character with this trial as if it were a chisel and you the marble. Also this woman you believe to be special isn't that special. She is special to you in your head. There a 8 billion people in the world and half of em are chicks. There will be another in time as long as you make yourself better in the process of what you are going through. And maybe one day when her current relationship falls through or things don't work out for her you'll be the person on her mind and she'll realize she fucked up, and you'll be worlds apart from her in terms of improvement and happiness. You got this my friend.

I have no idea how to handle my breakup.

general_qa

Hello everyone, i'm relatively new to stoicism although I have been looking into stoic views for some time now. I am having trouble trying to decide the best course of action for my own mental and for my sports team regarding forgiveness of a teamate. A player on this sports team that I will call Jake brings down the entire team. Not just in a bad attitude towards the game way but in an instigator with his own teammates way. Jake and I were previously pretty close friends even spending some time together outside of our sport. Until Jake started being such a douche that I called him out for it. If you can't tell yet, Jake isn't the type of guy to appreciate being called out in front of his peers. We butted heads for many months but never let it affect us on the field. Recently it had gotten much worse as jake said cruel things to my face, gotten physical with me and my belongings/equipment, and tried to convince teamates I didn't belong on the team. Now I am a pretty level headed guy, I didn't let this affect me as I felt sorry for him because he is obviously lacking in some department to have to go after someone like this. What I refused to let happen was my image with others be tampered and for Jake to affect the chemistry of the team where it affects us in game play. During this period I looked at stoicism for guidance and I think I did the right thing. Not once did I raise my voice at Jake, lay my hands on jake, or even talk badly about jake to others. I reasoned that Jake is feeling a certain way and needs to take it out on others. Now I will skip some time and get to the part where i need advice. Jake came up to me personally and grabbed my hand shaking it and said "i'm sorry for being such a bad teammate, im working on it" I didn't say "It's okay" as being a bad teammate is not okay but i thanked him for his apology. My question is, in stoic principle should I be accepting Jake back into my life as a friend?

I don't view it as forgiveness so much as accepting that they are who they are and not letting their actions into my life.

Should I forgive no matter what?

general_qa

I'm pretty new to stoicism and I'd like to know what advice stoics have for someone who is really constantly comparing themselves to others. I'm really bad with this and I make everything about myself. If a friend gets a promotion I think "why not me?" or they get into a relationship I think "why not me?". I feel like nothing good happens to me and I want to learn to focus on myself and improve my life instead of thinking so much about other people's lives and what they're doing.

Consider that it makes no sense to envy someone who you do not know is happy. And consider that you can never know whether someone else is happy. Therefore, envy never makes sense.

How can I stop comparing myself to others?

general_qa

I am working a job I completely detest. I don't like it at all, and even though I am completing work to the rubrics I've been given, they'll find problems with other things. I was sick a few days and came back with a note from my doctor and that still landed me in a review for my position. At this point I am convinced that if I stay, I'll be fired for the first time in my life. Only issue is insurance. I'm 26 and need the insurance from this job. But every ounce of my soul is saying this job isn't my purpose. I at the same time don't want to leave my girlfriend insuranceless. My stoic reason is telling me quit and have courage and temperance with whatever comes in pursuit of finding a job within my nature. My mom is telling me don't quit lol. Any advice?

I think the answer you are looking for is already in your post. You don't need someone else to tell you what you already know. Either change your situation or accept your situation, there is no other option.

Looking for advice from some elder stoics

general_qa

Hi, I'm male, 21 years old and I'm wondering if guys know any good stoic quotes and advice for me?

My Stoic advice to young people is to learn about Stoicism. That means reading books like The Practicing Stoic and if Stoicism seems like it makes sense to you, then move on to the classic works of Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. Quotes taken out of context tend to do more harm than good. People get confused and go off on tangents, because they haven't taken the trouble to learn the basic principles. This is how you get absurd nonsense like "stoicism will make you rich" or "stoicism will help you get laid!" If you want the benefits of the philosophy, you have to put the study in. That's the only way it can really work.

What Stoic advice do you have for people in their 20s?

general_qa

I got into practicing stoicism two years ago, when I was 16. This month I reflected on the past year and concluded it a failure, though the wisdom and experience I gained is potentially more valuable at the moment than my lost goals. Currently I'm building more discipline in order to be more able to execute the actions I need in order to improve next year. My dissatisfaction primarily stems from wasted academic potential in the past year, procrastinating on my fitness goals, and picking up smoking. I know what to do to get better, yet I'd appreciate reading some motivational words or advice you'd give to your younger self if you were in a similar situation

Your year wasnt a failure. Dissatisfaction is a choice.

Looking for words of advice from fellow stoics

general_qa

I would like some advice, and I am hoping you Stoics have some food for thought on my problem: I went to grad school in a different country 10 years ago, and during those two years, I had a personal fallout with a person that affected me so strongly, that I started to develop a depression that would take me about 5 year to finally start getting out of. During my studies, I did not develop deep friendships, as I began to withdraw from people due to my mental state. I moved away after graduating, and moved to another country and capital city. There I struggled with my depression for 4 years and then moved back to my own country. Here in my own country, I started to get better and have with the help of psychology left my mental problems behind. My challenge is that I still feel a deep sadness for what I lost during those 5 years of depression - no university friendships, not even strong friendships in the capital city that I lived in for 4 years (as I was coping with my condition and couldn't get close to people) - and now, in my mid 30s, see that most people my age have their great university friends and friends from living abroad - and feel that I am constantly being confronted with my "wound". I guess I regret that what happened happened, and I wish things had been different. What can I do? I even find myself meeting people who studied at my grad school (not at the same time, but it's a famous school) and I feel deeply sad and also a bit shameful when we have to "share" experiences and they tell me about all their great times and now life-long friends. I thought about starting a new grad school experience, but since most people would be in their 20s, I have a gut feeling that it would not make good what happened back then... I guess that I am longing for going back to that time and relive it again, this time changning it, but because I am older now, that is not possible for me. I guess I am often in a mental frame of "if only it had been different". Any thoughts?

The past no longer exists, and neither does the future, the only time you have is the present moment, and the only thing you can really go do in this moment is go out and try and make friends. Forget whatever happened in the past. It is also a mistake to think that just because someone has numerous friends that they somehow must automatically be happy, i think you are looking for happiness in some place external to yourself in this case in friendships but that isn't where it truly lies, you should have an idea where it actually lies, that is in yourself.

What to do with the regret and sadness of what happened in the past?

general_qa

I experience impulsive reactions sometimes, and sometimes I catch them and sometimes I don't. I usually apologise for them, but I also try to learn from them. It's very difficult to find clarity and it feels like my mind is narrow whenever I face heavy emotions, I started meditating 30 minutes a day and it already does help a bit, but I could use some stoic advice to help me create the awareness and space I need to act accordingly with the cardinal virtues and principles of stoicism.

Keep practising. Stoicism isn't a quick fix. The more baggage you carry when you start the longer it will take to unload.

How can i be consistent with my reactions and my beliefs?

general_qa

Hi guys, I'm 24 living in the UK and have been in a job for 6 years which isn't that well paid but the company is really good and the people I work with are nice. I would say I've been in a comfort zone for ages now so from last year I have been looking for a new job, starting the gym going 6 times a week, feeling a lot better in myself and have been upskilling myself by doing courses outside of work ect. However recently I've had a knee operation and I feel like I'm back to square one. The main reason for this post is there's so many different paths I could go down, how do I know I'm taking the right one to find my destiny/full potential? 1. Part of me thinks I could go to Uni (I didn't go to begin with because I didn't know what I wanted to do and I still don't so I feel like it could be a waste of money) 2. Keep trying to find a new job- one that could solidify me into my 30s, so that I can afford to move out and eventually have a family. 3. Go travelling (people say you learn a lot and I agree but I don't know how this will help me find a job in the long term) All I want in life is to find peace, retire my parents, become the best version of myself but I genuinely don't know what I want to do and feel a bit lost. It's such a shame because I'm so flexible right now I would go anywhere in the world and start a job if it meant a great opportunity. Any advice would be great, it's annoying because I know I'll smash it once I get a good mentor or find the right company to move up in the world. I try to remain as stoic as possible as I think it's a real test for yourself but recently I feel lost.

Just my opinion but if you are in a job where the company is good and the people are nice you should consider whether you really want to leave even if the pay isn't that great. IMO money isn't everything, i have had jobs where i was better off financially but i felt my life was worse. I don't think there is a ''destiny'' your life is meant to lived in the here and now, I forgot which one of his letters it was but Seneca went on about how even some men in their old age were still desiring and planning on how to become senators or knights. If you are content with the comfort zone you are in now, i don't really see what the problem is, i think it's better to be happy with what we have now not what we think we should have in the future.

How do I find my destiny?

general_qa

Is there any stoic or non-stoic advice for me? about 5 months ago my ex broke up with me. I started studying stoicism and other schools of philosophy to improve myself and that helped. I am doing so much better than I was doing when the break up happened. But a couple of days ago she reached out to ask me to come pick up an old hoodie of mine. I told her she could throw it away but she refused so I agreed to come. During the time she chose to meet I had a job meeting which I couldn't skip so she said "I'll come after my treatment". Then I asked about the treatment and she told me she has stage 2 cancer. Since then I have been feeling tired and sad all the time. I feel helpless and scared and I want to be there for her but I don't know how or if she even wants me to be there for her. I told her that even though we broke up that doesn't mean we can't be friends and told her that I am here for her and she said "idm being friends". This removed my doubts that she contacted me as a "call for help". She doesn't care but I still do and I am scared that I would lose her without being able to spend more time with her. This situation brought back a lot of feelings that I thought were long gone. I feel like I still love her and care for her although she really messed me up in the past. I know I shouldn't focus on things I can't control but I feel like shit because of this and don't know how to stop thinking about it. Thank you.

I'm new to this sub and while I'm not being too focused on too many things this sub provides. I can totally say that you won't waste a second of your life if you help person you once loved or still loves without getting anything in return. Everything in our life is lesson and you my friend have a lot to learn till we die. So do what hearts tells you to do and don't get too complicated about the choice you made. I guess pain, love, loneliness, anger are emotions we need in order to be a human .

Cancer and Breakup

general_qa

First of all, thank you for taking some of your time to read this and also; for any advice you can give me. A little bit of background: I have been dating my girlfriend for 7 years now, we have lived together for 4 of those years; and even moved to Spain for the last two years. Since we became a couple, I've known she has a lot of trouble dealing with her emotions, anything that could be considered a "bad" emotion she expresses as anger; a very explosive and destructive one at times. I have an anxious personality, so her mood swings really upset me; even though I try to stay calm and let her have some space to deal with her emotions. I took on Stoicism about a year ago, and it has really helped me deal with life: work, family, studies, and my relationship with her. I am trying my best to interiorize that there re things I cannot control, as in this case how she decides to react, and I can only control how I reply and act towards her anger. However, I feel like I am running out of energy to deal with this situation, things that are totally solvable make her rage, and my anxiety starts soaring. I just feel like I am on the verge of having an emotional breakdown myself. I some days find myself fighting with her inside my head since I wake up until we go to bed. I really love this woman and want to have a future with her; however, her unstable emotional intelligence really makes it hard. Every plan we have gets torn to pieces as soon as she gets mad. I have tried recommending a psychologist but apparently, she does not feel comfortable opening up to a stranger. I would love to hear your thoughts and advice, I am in much need of it. Happy Thanks Giving!

Sadly, Stoicism is a philosophy of fundamental re-examination. You've come here saying "how can I stay in the same wretched relationship I've always been in, dating a woman I know is violent and angry, and somehow feel ok with it?". The only answer from this philosophy is "you can't - you are *choosing* to enter into a situation that fundamentally contradicts your need for a stable, supportive relationship. You have chosen to date a person in full knowledge that they believe in controlling you with fear". Stoic philosophy is not about making yourself ill then trying to "endure" the symptoms - it is a philosophy of cutting cancers out at their source: >Whenever we do something wrong, then, from now on we will not blame anything except the opinion on which it's based; and we will try to root out wrong opinions with more determination than we remove tumours or infections from the body. > >Epictetus, Discourse 1:11 "Concerning Family Affection" (Penguin Classics) I don't know how you can have practiced Stoicism for a year without understanding this - I'd guess you've been on the "Ryan Holiday" rather than "Epictetus" side of the philosophy. All I can say is that the *actual* philosophy holds no answers for a person not yet prepared to do the hard work, and in your case that is the work of refusing to date people who control you with violence. The opinion that you should date such people is the cancer in your life, and until you cut that cancer out you are doomed to feel its progressively worsening symptoms.

Seeking Stoic Advice - Dealing with a partner with anger issues and swift mood changes.

general_qa

I have an annoying habit of reading the news, not just normal headlines, but also diving into regional news of various countries and also global climate news, it often depresses me and makes me anxious, hence why I've been looking into stoicism, I'm buying meditations and Massimo Pigliucci's handbook for new stoics, but I was wondering what advice you'd have for someone like me, or some exercises to keep my mind within a more reasonable scope. Something that drew me to stoicism is when I heard it advises followers to worry only about things within ones control, which is something I sorely need to learn, I'm aware that outside of voting, there is little I can do for issues such as the climate, and for problems in other countries, there isn't anything I can do, so I know I shouldn't worry, but I feel almost addicted to depressing news.

one stoic value is cosmopolitanism. we are members of the world, and are eager to improve the world. "not being informed" is not really a stoic virtue. wisdom requires information to act on. it's not the news that makes you depressed and anxious, but your reaction to it. work on that. everything from your very body, out, is an external over which you have limited, if any, control. keep that in mind. you say the middle east is an area that concerns you less because of your knowledge of the history there. i think this is a point worth exploring. your wisdom (applied knowledge) allows you to maintain your equanimity when considering the (objectively brutal) suffering going on there. it's not the news being good (quite the contrary), but your interpretation of it, that allows this.

Advice for someone overly aware of worldly issues.

general_qa

Hi I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this but anyways. I've always been quite stoic and logical thinker and now I've just crumbled. I have worked hard to get into a masters program through years of study and hard work and now that I'm here I've just crumbled. I'm going through what I presume is depressive episodes unable to get out of bed and constantly suffering from what I also believe is mental burnout. As I've said I worked so hard to be here and now with all this I don't know if I can stick at it as I'm losing my passion for the career due to how I'm feeling. I dunno what to do I feel so lost if life and feel like I'll never amount to anything in life. Im just so frustrated with myself cause I've worked so hard to be here and now my mind has let me down, just feeling sorry for myself more than anything but I'm so disappointed as I think I'll have to defer for the year due to my mental health problems. Has anyone got any advice for a 24/M

If your university enrollment has an attached health insurance plan, use it to get a psychological evaluation. You are paying for it, to not utilize that type of benefit is unwise, unjust (to yourself) and not courageous. It would be an immoderate waste of your efforts up to now to not find out what a councilor or psychiatrist has to say. I have two good friends who failed to complete their degrees due to episodes of depression. They have a difficult time escaping regret and ruminating about what could have been. At a root level, your judgments about your situation or plan are causing you cognitive dissonance. Resolution of the conflicts in your assents is the ultimate solution, but that is unhelpful if you are alone and paralyzed by indecision. Get some counseling and/or try pharmaceutical intervention. You can also try asking your university for a differed enrollment or medical leave so that you can return to your studies at a later time. The first step is asking about the availability of counseling at your institution. Use the benefits available to you.

Feel like a failure

general_qa

this is rather embarrassing, so please bear with me. thank you for choosing to read this. since my childhood, I've been keen to listening to music and daydreaming. i am 19 right now and I am still doing this to excessive levels to this day. it has reached to a point where i now have the urge to listen to music when I feel provoked, which is why I consider it an addiction on my part, since i have been doing it for years now and have difficulty stopping my urges. i have an important exam that i need to study next year and I'm taking a gap year, yet i waste so much precious time just indulging myself in this. i remember back then when my months once felt like days at the beginning of this year, because i had some other problems and dived into my addiction more. i don't want it to happen next year again. i have tried to stop it, at least 20 tries. and yet i fail each time, just going back to it after at least a few days. my longest win was when I threw away my earphones. i lasted for a couple of weeks and bought a new one again. i have been reading about stoicism since this summer, and feel as if it really could help me overcome this. yet i do not know how to overcome the fear of failing miserably again. I've been a coward my entire life, being afraid of measly things, and i want to stop it; and if i stop this, i will take a really big step forward, and i will be better at being a stoic. the popular videos and advices on the internet appear insincere and I feel i cannot relate to them, therefore I've come to look for people who have dealt with similar problems, or have overcome addictions with how the Stoicism changed their perspectives. if you have any sort of advices you could give me, or wisdom you would love to share, i will gladly listen to you. thank you for reading. have a nice day. EDIT: i have edited this post. after seeing the FAQ as well, asking for a direct advice as to solve addictions "solely" was a mistake. a philosophy should not be used solely to solve one single problem. this was not what I was trying to achieve, so let me rephrase myself. i have been trying to apply stoicism in my life. i really have, especially after looking after a sick bedridden grandmother for over a year. hard times push you to change some of the rewirings in your thinking. so please see this OP not as one that asks their problem to be solved, but perhaps one that looks for encouragement to overcome their fear of failure, or rather one that needs a stoic perspective to enlighten the situation better. people who have had similar problems are very welcome to share their situations with me as well. i just need coaching, i suppose. thank you for understanding.

I understand that you don't want a solution friend, but it sounds like "maladaptive daydreaming" to me. Especially if its to the point where you can't get everyday necessities done, i.e. studying for your test. HOWEVER, listening to music and daydreaming are two morally neutral things unless you think it's gotten out of control-like a compulsion. Much of the Stoic philosophy involves changing the things you have control over: I think it would be beneficial to seek out counseling for maybe substituting the day dreaming with some better coping skills for when you get stressed. KEEP IN MIND that listening to music when stressed and daydreaming are two very useful and healthy to have in your arsenal and they should be utilized! I would only worry if you feel like your usage is hindering progress rather than helping you cope along the way as you progress. Best of luck! Love and good vibes!

I've been fighting a childhood addiction and failing miserably

general_qa

So basically theres this girl whom I have a massive crush on and got a lot in common but unfortunately i found out that shes in a 4 year serious relationship.And Since I found that out its been hurting like hell to the point I feel it has interferred in my day to day activities where sometimes I dont feel like eating or getting out of bed which ultimately results in my health declining obviously. Would the ruling of letting go of things we cant control apply to this situation?Naturally as a young man I feel jealousy and Envy even though I know its wrong.. It sucks cause the guy shes with is a great man,I have no shame admitting hes a better man than me,He has his life and priorities sorted out,Hes excellent with his family and deals with them diplomatically and just an outgoing social person,pretty much a good guy where as me Its the opposite in terms of having my stuff sorted out and priorities.. I know its wrong but I get thoughts of hoping and wishing that they break up even though there pretty much married tbh not officially but close...But i know thats wrong cause I will wait my whole life wishing for something that will never happen. Or should I be straightforward and go and ask her out or at least tell her and risk it?Ive had crushed before but not like this were I know were compatible It sucks cause If our time was right,Had i just met her before tbh.....I know ill never get her but im this dilemma where it hurts.. How should I approach this in a stoic manner where I can try to move on or carry on my day to day activities..Any advice is greatly appreciated and Dont worry be honest as possible.. I Hope this query is suitable for this subreddit if not I apologize sincerely.. Peace and Bless you all

>Or should I be straightforward and go and ask her out or at least tell her and risk it? Wait, you want to ask out a woman who already has a partner? Your problem is that you believe relationships create happiness - only believing this could cause you to think "deceitfully approaching another man's woman is worthwhile - because if she says yes I'll gain happiness, if she says no I'll have lost nothing". A person who understood what actually makes a person happy would say "becoming a vile snake of a person who tries to undermine other people's relationships is what would cause me to be unhappy - if I could put my hand on my heart and say I'd never do that, then it is that sense of being a pro-social person that would make me happy, and if the cost of being able to say that was being single then I'd rejoice at being single". Let's say she said "yes" and traded her current boyfriend for you - given that you stole her from him, do you really imagine you'd now live in a state of happiness and security? You *know* she was prepared to immediately abandon one boyfriend or another, you don't think that would be the thing are the forefront of your mind the entire time you dated her? No, you don't think that - in your mind, relationships cause people to be happy. Somehow, a woman saying she's "your girlfriend" creates happiness, even if that woman just abandoned her previous boyfriend. None of this is an answer - these are all simply the kinds of thoughts you need to explore in order to comprehend happiness and the role relationships play in it (which is none). Your current theory on that is the source of all of your pain, and it's why you're honestly thinking that disgracing yourself might be worthwhile.

Whats the stoic way of dealing with a love interest/Crush that one is not destined for,Or right person at the wrong time?

general_qa

hi! my friend recently began to be a Stoic. I don't really know how Stoicism works so I bought a copy of Meditations and I'm trying to get through it so I understand his philosophies. he's a very anxious person with a lot of stuff in his past, so it makes sense he's drawn to this. I'm not very far into the book, but it's pretty good, and I'm glad he's reading stuff like it. I want to help support him in a Stoic way. sometimes when I try to give him advice, he says it isn't "Stoic enough" for him, however I'm worried about him. sometimes I tell him to process what he's feeling or take a break to rest and he won't because it "doesn't follow the logos". he's wound up like a racehorse 24/7 and I feel like if I don't help him he might get worse. I want to be there for him and support his mental health the way he needs me to. it's a little extra difficult to give him advice when he asks, as I'm a girl and he's a guy, and he seems to be suffering in silence otherwise (his friends say it's just him being him and to leave him alone but I think he's genuinely suffering). sometimes he leaves the room with his head in his hands and he comes back all shaken up. it scares me. I want him to get better and this seems to be the place to go for advice. TL;DR: any tips on how to calm down an extremely anxious, jittery friend using Stoic philosophy? edit: thanks so much for the support! I've responded to as many comments as I can but y'all have so many amazing contributions. much appreciated! I also realized it sounds like I might be forcing advice on him. This has only happened a few times, and only when he asks for advice. the head in hands and stuff is all a long term thing, asking for advice is much more sporadic. sorry for the confusion! :)

Tell him the difference between [lowercase stoicism and uppercase Stoicism ](https://archive.fo/ESWHY)

help advising a Stoic friend who rejects "emotional" advice?

general_qa

Note: If you have time you can read this. Thank you. I may not know each and every one of you but I would appreciate some of your advice. I'm a 19-year-old college freshman, and I've been infatuated with this girl in my class. In the first few weeks, I never really developed a crush on her since my perception of her lacked emphasis, aside from the fact that I found her very pretty. As time goes from those first few weeks I've noticed that she's doing well with her test scores. I'm kinda impressed by it. But my attraction didn't end there and it's slowly turning into a weird infatuation. My infatuation is gradually turning wayward when I'm starting to see myself on her. She's kinda like me on the outside, she never surrounds herself with some of our classmates (like me most of the time), and she just sits there waiting for class to start. She studies a lot with her iPad and I kinda like her "Not giving a ef" vibe when she's sitting. She never talks to our classmates except when she needs to. Btw Just to let you guys know, I'm a shy person and I rarely approach someone except when I need to. I also sit by myself and do some of my stuff by myself inside and outside of school most of the time. This emotion is starting to get worse and it sucks so bad. I've tried my best to get over this BS and it's hard. Some of my friends and cousins are telling me to just go and talk to her, but I think they don't understand. I'm tense when thinking of approaching her since I don't even have something important to say or ask. So I've decided to just let it slide and tried my best to avoid being distracted, but man it so daunting. I fear that this external attachment will slowly exacerbate me not to mention there are so many things I don't know about this girl. I'm not sexually obsessed or attracted and all, I'm just preoccupied. I am aware that my perception of her is one-sided. I only see her from her beauty and intelligence but lack the awareness of her values and background. But I'm still being pulled off by this attraction. My questions: - What's your stoic take/approach to this kind of situation? - How do you deal with strong platonic infatuation? - What do I need to improve in this situation? It's okay to answer one question. I'd still appreciate that. Thank you for reading guys. I'd appreciate your advice if you have time. Stay safe!

I don't think there's one stoic philosopher that wrote about asking a girl out. I think you're overthinking this. If you want to get some answers: talk to her, get to know her, ask her out if you think there's a mutual interest. If you want to dwell on your thoughts: don't ask her out.

I wanna get over this girl but I always get diverted

general_qa

Hello everyone, I need some Stoic advice on how to deal with friendship, unrequited love, and impending loss. I apologize; I am somewhat of a lapsed Stoic, as I've been out of practice for a while now. I can see where my mistakes are, but I need advice and resources on how best to correct them. Here's the story. I met a guy; we're both in college, and we quickly became friends over the last year. Slowly, I began having romantic feelings for him, culminating in me asking him out. He kindly refused and said he would rather stay friends, which I accepted, hoping my heart would follow suit. We stayed close friends, but I noticed I'd become far too attached to him. I tend to get a bit anxious when we don't talk/see each other for a while, for example. I think this is most likely because I still have feelings for him (I wish I could just flip a switch and no longer feel love). I recently realized that once we graduate, we will most likely not see much of each other, if ever again, which fills me with dread. Clearly, I've become too emotionally attached. Therein lies the question: How can I emotionally distance myself from someone without ruining a friendship? In essence, how to make someone a preferred indifferent. The majority of answers I find online are to abandon the friendship and move on, but I value him as a person beyond a mere imagined romantic partner, or at least I hope I do. I am sorry this is a somewhat complicated problem dealing with attachment, love, friendship, loss, etc., but I suppose that is the human condition. Any advice or sources of wisdom for a struggling Stoic would be greatly appreciated.

>He kindly refused and said he would rather stay friends, which I accepted, hoping my heart would follow suit. We stayed close friends, but I noticed I'd become far too attached to him. No, you're not close friends - friendship is a state defined by two people having the exact same view of a relationship as one another, and being content with that view. You never stopped wanting to date him - in fact, the anxiety and "closeness" means that all you did was start trying to have a relationship without the relationship "status". You and him aren't friends because neither of you agree on the type of relationship you're having, and neither of you are content with what you have. >Therein lies the question: How can I emotionally distance myself from someone without ruining a friendship? You don't have a friendship. You are trying to conducting a secret relationship. There is no way to separate your decision to do that from the constant disappointment you feel when his "friendship" model of your relationship fails to match your "relationship" model. If you said to him "look, I've not been conducting a friendship - really, I wouldn't want this if I didn't have romantic feelings for you" nothing would be "ruined". The friendship would be over, but he wouldn't hate you and would likely be brimming with respect for you. So it's not about "ruining" a friendship, you're asking "how can I choose to conduct a secret relationship with this person and not feel any of the disappointment and heartbreak this involves?" The answer is "you can't - it's impossible". It's like asking "how can I binge drink alcohol without a hangover?" - it's not possible to take an unhealthy course of action yet somehow be liberated from the causal negative impact of it. For as long as you conduct this secret relationship, the price to be paid is disappointment and heartbreak. These are not bugs they're features - your social instincts evolved to warn you when you were conducting fundamentally unhealthy relationships and your body is screaming at you that you are. The only reason why you have a chance of finding a *good* relationship is because you feel disappointment, shame and misery in a bad one.

Stoic advice for friendship, unrequited love, and loss?

general_qa

It's very late where I live and I have a bit of a headache, but I'm going to try writing this in the best way I can. I used to have a close friend group who I had been friends with for around eight months. We mainly talked online with group chats and whatnot since I'm homeschooled now. Socializing naturally is something that's very difficult for me, especially online, so I had a hard time feeling like I really "fit in." Long story short, one of these friends had introduced a new person to the friend group. It was an biased reaction, I think, but I had instantly gotten that "bad vibe" from them. Logically, I don't think they're a bad person, but it was clear that they didn't like me for one reason or another. They'd take my place in conversations, and had copied some of my ideas as well, as the main examples I noticed. They had made the whole "not fitting in" thing even more problematic in my head, and I nearly had a mental "spiral" (for lack of a better word) over it. Around a week ago, I had left that group chat and distanced myself from most of them. Some of those friends have messaged me privately, but aside from that, it's just plain silence. I'm having troubles with fully moving on from this situation, however. I'm not worried about missing out, because that wouldn't make much sense to me. I also don't want to go back to that friend group. What I'm thinking more about is just that feeling of being replaced. My "role" had been taken so easily, and it makes me wonder how much I really matter to people, and how much they really care. This has happened multiple times before. My thought process is moreso cynical than it is Stoic, so I'd greatly appreciate some Stoic advice on how to move on from this.

Things end. We are not special. We all will die, everyone we've ever known will die, and eventually all of us will be forgotten. I am not trying to be bleak, but it is a reminder to let go of the menial. You will find new groups and eventually leave them too only to join others. People come in and out of our lives. It is how it all works. Focus on what you can do to live your best life today, in this very moment. That friend group was yesterday. Part of the past that cannot be changed.

Advice for getting over a friendship?

general_qa

(I'm unofficially adopted by my friends family, it's a long story - anyway) I know this dilemma is kinda weird but I could really use some advice. I think someone (I couldn't tell who) just made fun of how I was laughing to myself in my own room from another room. The only reason I realized they this was a joke at my expense was that I heard a loud "SHHH" right afterwards. Perhaps how I laugh to myself in the "privacy" of my own room is goofy af, but I still heard someone make fun of it loudly. How do I proceed? I'm not sure if I should be offended or embarrassed. My reasoning: I'm allowed to laugh to myself as I'm decompressing in my room (and I'm high so ofc I'm going to laugh a goofy ass laugh) as I process the funny things that occurred on campus today. On a side note, this is right after me commuting home from uni. I nailed my differential equations exam, and I reward myself with getting baked in my car sometimes. So I get high before I go inside because the smell of weed is taboo in this household. I think it's wrong for me to be high around my "family" because of the stigma their parents have associated with weed. It's just awkward cuz they used to be so strict on my friend when they can tell he's high (usually because he smells like weed, but he's smarter about it now), but don't say anything when I'm high, so naturally I'm just uncomfortable with being around them when I'm high. More so now that I just heard them making fun of my laugh. Furthermore, It's very unclear to me if being high around them is okay. I'm an independent 21 year old adult. I have a large degree of autonomy, and they support me to give me a better life. They have set very few ground rules (I assume) because how I life my life interferes/burdens them much less than other people in this household do. But today someone made fun me probably because I'm high, which they may or may not have known. Does it even make a difference if they knew? I have no clue. So like wtf do I do? What's the stoic approach to coping with certain members of your "adopted" family that can be mean and sometimes downright cruel? Just pretend like it never happened? Stop getting high when they might want to talk to me because they might make fun of me instead? I am so ethically challenged that I genuinely don't know the right course of action. Weed isn't generally a problem for me because I consume it in moderation and in solidarity. However even when go through the backdoor because it leads straight to my "room", i.e. a curtain partitioning what is now the family room/my room but what used to be a garage, the curtain doesn't block sound well. So then I feel ashamed that I couldn't say hi and that I couldn't participate in the quality family time can I hear them having. I can only imagine what they must be thinking when I get home, clearly i'm settling in, and didn't even greet them at all. There's are my options going forward as I see them now. Someone please alter this paradigm for me. Do I: -Greet them as normally as a high me can -Continue avoiding them when I'm high -Stop getting high before getting home (Not my preference but I could be persuaded I guess) If you have a more ethical solution please elaborate. And in case your wondering, no I cannot translate my laugh into text. I can't even remember what it sounds like because it's my "nobody better be listening to me right now laugh"

Just to be clear: 1: this family don't approve of weed 2: they've split up part of their living space to accommodate you 3: you get stoned every evening in your car Of course you should stop getting stoned while you're living with this family. They're doing you a tremendous favour and they're not keen on drugs, so you should refrain while under their roof. The fact that no-one has directly challenged you about it is probably more due to their good manners than anything else. You have the obligation to be a good guest under Stoic ethics, as well as under general social norms. You are currently failing in this obligation which is why you're uncomfortable about the situation. You're also most likely hypersensitive and paranoid because you're taking in so much weed, because that's one of the effects it has. I'm absolutely astonished that you characterise these people as cruel when they're going so far out of their way to assist you. Time to take a sober, objective look at the situation.

How do you deal with people in your "family" making fun of you behind your back.

general_qa

I (31 f) work as a heavy duty equipment operator (793 cat) in a very remote mine in Northern Canada (in the arctic circle). We operate very large equipment in very extreme conditions. There is 1 fellow operater who challenges me frequently. Making false accusations about me to my superiors/coworkers, confronting me with vicious language, and not following operating procedures putting my safety directly at risk. Stoicism has helped me through this situation. I am not reacting emotionally, and I don't feel particularly good or bad about this person. I feel slightly grateful that they are giving me the opportunity to practice Virtue and I am proud they have not succeeded in making me act viciously in return. During my current rotation at work, multiple people have told me that this person is taking a combination of drugs while working that is absolutely not ok, and not supposed to be used while operating equipment. I have suspected drug use as there are very clear physical symptoms being displayed. Last week, I informed my foreman about this and he informed the superintendent, yet no action was taken. This person was then operating erratically, and came within inches of colliding with my haul truck while on an icy ramp, which very likely would have resulted in death. Last night's nightshift I made the choice to refuse work due to unsafe working conditions and sent emails to the appropriate management detailing the situation. From a Stoic position, I feel quite confident in my actions. Acting out of rational concern for safety rather than revenge. That being said, I do feel quite uneasy about whether or not management will respond appropriately and whether or not this person will respond to the accusation violently towards me, since it is only just that, accustations, at this point. I know I cannot control other people or situations, and fretting about it will just cause me distress, yet I can't help but be concerned about this. Looking for Stoic advice on how to calm my nerves about this dangerous situation and how to not let this consume my thoughts with what-if scenarios. Thank you

Doing the right thing can complicate your life. Doing the right thing is often not rewarded. Doing the right thing can make people angry with you. Doing the right thing is simply right. It is the path to being OK with yourself even when things are not OK in your environment. If management won't back you on serious safety issues, then you are better off moving on. None of this is easy or comfortable, but it is right.

Stoic advice for a complicated situation.

general_qa

I'm coming back to this subreddit because I've received some pretty life-changing advice here in the past and I'm dealing with some issues that I'd like to hear your thoughts on. I'm a very routine-oriented person, and I really depend on my routines to keep me moving through life in a decently successful manner. However, recently I've been giving myself "passes" when hardships pop up and skipping components of my routine. For example, if my sleep quality wasn't really good, I tell myself I can sleep through my alarm and skip the gym. If I had a particularly exhausting day at work, I tell myself it's fine to order in food instead of cooking and then I end up eating significantly unhealthier and more expensive food. My biggest issue is that I'm caring for a terminally ill cat, and if his symptoms flair up then almost all of my routine completely goes down the shitter because so much emotional energy is drained from me. What is the stoic perspective on balancing being kind to myself while also not allowing myself to take the "easy way out"? What can I tell myself to convincingly stick with my routines in the face of hardship?

The best coping mechanism that I have is one that is attached to both sociology and neuropsychology. I simply think the following: If this thing X didn't require hardship and effort this very same thing will lose value and as a result, I wouldn't want to pursue it in the first case. The effort is what makes it valuable, and it is what makes others quit. What you truly want isn't the result but the ability to push through the effort, it was never supposed to be easy, smooth, and stress-free. Also, stress is literally what primes neuroplasticity in the brain. If you are never in discomfort, never in a stressful situation, your brain will never seek to evolve. The prefrontal cortex understands concepts, so every time you find effort, recognize it as literally what will get you to grow. Wanting things to be easy and smooth is a human desire that stems from not understanding the truth. If truly everything was easy, life would be pretty boring. No one really wants that.

Advice to help me continue my routine in the face of hardship?

general_qa

Hi folks, expat in his 30s living in Norway. Need advice on a few subjects as I'm unsure whether this is the life path for me - *no job *no social number /ID *living with partner and son I'm relentless in my pursuit for a happy, meaningful life, so I study, read, cook well, discuss the future, encourage and motivate my partner. I feel that we are drifting apart however. Increasingly I'm told off, told I am shit or not listening or useless. I feel that my life is stagnating here, I used to have solid work, that changed after moving to Norway due to regulation and law. So... I've been grinding, trying to figure out my place in society, staying as upbeat as I can whilst the government immigration office 'process' me it can take over 1 year. Both my son and partner are Norwegian citizens. I love them dearly, I've been trying my best to help my partner, motivate her to secure work etc. I follow principles that should help elevate our lifes, instead I'm becoming increasingly depressed. I suffer during winter, my mood swings are becoming more frequent, I have minor breakdowns. I'm constantly questioning whether my partner would be better off without me, she gets stressed with me on a daily basis now. I love my son very much, invest in him, we have a strong connection, I wish it was the same with my partner. Any healthy stoic advice to assist me process some of these thoughts, I really appreciate this group and the discussions, they have been invaluable. Have a great day :)

Hey , I don't have anything in particular to say, but I can understand how you feel , atleast partially, specially moving to a new country and not being able to get things done. Sorry brother. Btw, you think you can pick up a course in a local university and make a social life ?

Too many thoughts, I need to consolidate.

general_qa

My ex left me in January with very little context apart from "not loving me for years". A couple of weeks later I was informed and shown evidence that she had been having an affair for 3 months and had left me to continue this relationship. Around March I started a new relationship which has been nothing short of wonderful, my ex had some strong reactions to this and made life difficult for quite a while. While i wont go into detail my ex's behaviour was very traumatic for a few months. My best friend is married to my ex's best friend. They were appalled at her behaviour in both instances. They still communicated but would not shy their opinion when she had done wrong. Around mid year my ex asked if we could retry our relationship (we have kids) - bear in mind she was still with her affair partner. I had already put a lot of thought before starting with my current partner that I could never go back. I value loyalty and dedication in marriage too much. Since I turned this down our mutual friends have become very close to her. They have her and my kids over once a week (or more) and regularly catch up outside of that each week. I am struggling with the perception and feeling that I have become the outsider despite how our marriage ended and what my ex had done. I do catch up with my friend but not as often as my ex and very rarely with his partner involved. This year I've started my stoicism journey. I've read meditations and I'm currently working through the practising stoic. I'm well aware that my understanding of stoicism is not up to dealing with this situation, but I am still trying to consider the lessons and manage my judgements and emotions. However, I am finding the closeness of my friends to my ex difficult to interrogate and view logically. Im aware their relationship is outside my control. I see 2 options but im unsure how to proceed: 1. Learn to be unharmed by the relationship between them and focus on my efforts in my relationship with my friends. I have been trying this so far. 2. Step away or reduce my efforts in the relationship. This is not my preference but I'm not sure what choice I have if I am unable to manage my judgements of their relationship. In fact the more I view my judgements the more I think my judgements are fair. For example I don't believe the values of justice or moderation are evident in their relationship. Any advice, insight or relevant teachings would be greatly appreciated.

This is tough. I went through the same thing, minus the part where ex the cheated. All my friends, even my friend for 30 years gravitated towards her. I needed to accept what I can't change that and that's that, I wasn't friends with them any longer. Did I hold resentment? Yes, but I was happy to have the opportunity at some point to have it all. "Life is banquet, take what is served to you but no more" i am paraphrasing a quote that basically says don't chase after what isn't yours, or yours anymore but enjoy it while you have it. Regarding your first option, learning to be unharmed can be really just be changing your judgement on it. People change, people may not have been your friend to begin with but only with her. You can't change how they are, but doesn't mean you can't make the effort, but know when to cut your losses, is the suffering worth it?

Ex wife had an affair and mutual friends have gotten closer to her

general_qa

I did so bad on my math final exam today and if I fail this exam it means that I will have to repeat this grade again and I don't want that... I'm already two years gap and I'm so scared what if I fail this exam and repeat the grade again and everyone will be so dissapointed in me.. my family expects a lot from me.. what do I do... I'm so sad rn.. pls give me stoic advices on how to be still happy and okay despite this all

You can learn something from this and use it as motivation so as to change your lifestyle to not get into similar situations again.

Did really bad on my final math exam today. Please give me stoic advices!

general_qa

Tonight I had a board meeting where one of the board members is delinquent in his HOA assessments, but expects the board to waive the late fees. This is the second time he's requested this when he consistently refuses to accord the same treatment to homeowners, and last time he threatened to sue the board he is sitting on if we didn't give him what he wants. According preferential treatment to board members would open us up to liability for disparate treatment. Two meetings ago, he admitted that he was late because his wife wouldn'tpay the bill. So, when I saw him requesting another waiver, it really made me mad, especially because (a) the delinquency is deliberate, and (b) he threatened the board last time. I failed to be stoic. Sigh. He started claiming that all the late fees were erroneous and I asked him why, then, he had said that his wife wouldn't pay because it seemed like he knew they were behind. Instead of saying something like "I thought that was it, but . . ." he said he never said that. He lied to me and a room full of people he said it too and basically gaslit me, acting like I'm just crazy making things up. The other board members didn't say anything, but I think after he left they would have agreed he'd said it and just didn't want to get into a big disagreement. Frustrating in its own right that they wouldn't back me up, so he thinks he's getting away with it. I tried to explain to him that it was the combination of him threatening to sue us before and then saying, basically, that they were deliberately not paying, that was upsetting me. So, he lied about that too and said he'd never threatened to sue. In that prior meeting, the manager told me he said he would sue us if we didnt waive the fees, so, I asked him point blank if he was threatening to sue the board and he confirmed. So, the thing got tabled tonight because the manager wants to review the file. I'd asked if the board wanted to take a vote and one of the other board members I can usually trust for common sense said he wasn't ready to vote on it. I think because he knows the guy is lying - that's just a guess based on how he is. I was really seething with anger and I don't like that. I want toe calm and dignified even if I'm angry. So, I need advice here. I'm usually calm. Almost lethally so when I'm mad. But it seems like lately I have a harder time with it and I didn't handle this well tonight because him lying to my face trying to make me look like an unhinged lunatic when he knows I know he's lying makes me feel helpless. Is there some sort of method or practice I can use to deal with this kind of behavior so that i can keep a stoic appearance? I'm not happy that I got mad. I told him "so you can just say anything you want and, unless I'm recording it, you can just deny it all?" His response was "it's your word against mine," which was even more infuriating. Has anyone dealt with this, and do you have any advice for dealing with this type of thing?

A stoic "appearance" isn't going to help as much as an actually Stoic understanding of reality. This man doesn't want to pay. You already knew that. You already knew he will lie to avoid paying. You seem to care about this issue more than the other board members do, and your belief that they should feel the way you do leads to your frustration. If you've done much Stoic reading, you'll know that the task now is to examine your beliefs and understand which ones are in conflict with reality so that you can resolve them and move forward in a calm and reasoned way. Note - this isn't acting calm or appearing calm. It's actual calm, because you have correctly understood the situation and have made rational decisions about your next step.

Facing Lying Gaslighting Board Member

general_qa

**EDIT / Disclaimer:** I'm not looking for quotes or theoretical advice, but rather interested to know how you personally handle this kind of stuff and if you manage to stay truly stoic at all times. Misinformation and hate are peaking. The world is more divided than ever. People seem to be getting more stupid, although there is an abundance of knowledge available. Even the educated people are going crazy. We seem to be heading into a version of WW3. AI developments are leading us into an unknown we don't control. etc. I'm not a scholar of stoicism, but have been somewhat abiding by its principles. The more I spend time thinking about stuff the more desperate and nihilistic I become. Feels like the only way to stay sane is to move somewhere in the woods, buy some land and live there. How are you guys doing it?

It's called *practicing stoicism.* No one is truly Stoic all the time, even Marcus Aurelius. If you actually believe that, you're setting yourself up for failure, unachievable expectations, and eventual implosion. We're human not machines, with imperfect emotions and needs. Stoicism is a tool to keep you moving towards virtue, not a destination in and of itself. When you fail, get back up and practice some more.

How many of you manage to stay truly stoic during these times and how?

general_qa

18M here requesting stoic advice. So, I sit next to this really smart guy in class. He has the top grades, a leader of a student body and is a really hard worker. He is well loved by his peers and teachers. The thing is, I'm really competitive. I can't help but compare myself with him every chance I get. Whenever we have tests, I would always be thinking about what he was doing. Everything he does would feel so exaggerated and it gets on my nerves. I feel that I could've done so much better in those tests if I hadn't sat beside him. I think I'm being a loser honestly. Am I just jealous of what he has and what I don't have. I'm unsure of what I should do or think to focus better and feel better. Any help would be great. Thank you so much.

Your problem in the Stoic sense is that you are trying to pursue academic success in a way that is counter-productive to that goal. You compare yourself to this person because you've reasoned it will somehow motivate you into becoming more like him, but as you've seen, adopting this judgement instead causes you to become jealous and bitter towards him. You're currently inert, dedicating no time to putting in the work that would actually help you reach the same academic level as him. My advice for you would be to write down the reasons why you're jealous of him, and think of a plan to improve yourself in those same aspects. If you're jealous of his top grades, it could be that you allocate an hour a day to studying for your classes. If you're jealous because he is the leader of a student body, it would be that you make an observation of the qualities he was picked for, and work towards a similar position with them in mind. These are just a few examples. Reasoning through your thoughts in this way is called "making good use of impressions" in Stoicism and it will quickly place you into a productive and stable mindset instead of the bitter mentality you hold now.

Advice on focusing in class

general_qa

I am not familiar with stoicism, but I have read a lot of posts on this subreddit about failure and how to cope with failure. Since conventional talk therapy doesn't work for me, I am curious about how to use a stoic philosophical approach to learn to accept myself. I am a failure. I say this based on what I think is a rational evaluation of all my failures and successes (not that I have many of the latter). All I have ever done is fail at relationships, friendships, family, work, school, finance, sex, health, and every other human endeavor and aspiration. My therapist will call this a "cognitive distortion," but to me, it is the opposite; a cognitive distortion would be thinking I am not a failure when I have failed at everything. I have excelled at or succeeded in no human activity, endeavor, or aspiration. Let's examine this: School: I have consistently failed in all academics. I managed to pass elementary and high school not because of academic merit but because it was believed to be in everyone's best interest that I move on (that's code for the school didn't want the dumb, "retarded", speech-impaired, self-harming, suicidal, occasionally institutionalized, autistic child no more). I used to fail myself on tests and assignments, writing "failure" or a 0 score on everything I handed in, in case the teacher felt the need to tell me how retarded I was. Later in life, I was too poor to afford college, and I failed vocational training twice, the worst student in the school (I was the only one who failed at all, much less twice). Work: I have never succeeded in holding down a job long-term and have no career. Most people in their 30s have careers, but I am stuck going from one bad job to the next. Friendships/Relationships/Family: I can't make friends, I have no family, and I am not attractive to anyone. I can attend MeetUps, go to clubs, and do everything I am supposed to, but inevitably, it won't work out. Even if they like me initially, they will learn more about me eventually, and that'll be the end of it. I can't hide all the unattractive, failure aspects of myself forever from someone. Health: I've struggled with eating disorders, IBS, weight, and drug problems for the last 5+ years. Now, for success: I self-published a book about international law on Amazon KDP. While I am proud I did this, people have yet to want to read it, not even people I know personally, and self-publishing on Amazon doesn't feel like a great success. Anyone can upload a Word document. After all this, to think I am not a failure strikes me as a cognitive distortion. I have never succeeded or done well at anything in my life. My whole life has been a series of traumas, setbacks, failures, and disappointments. "Failure" is supposed to make me stronger, teach me valuable lessons, or something like that, but I don't think that's true. As an example, the vocational training I did, where not only was I the only student to fail, I failed twice. I have tried to deduce the "lesson" or benefit I was supposed to gain from being the only failure for ten years, but I haven't found it. I can't find a benefit or lesson that would make being the only failure better for me than succeeding like all the other students. Similarly, I can't find the lesson or benefit in being the "retarded" kid my entire childhood and graduating from school not based on academic merit but on my ability to be a liability to a school administration. Neither do simple platitudes or basic self-help advice work. I can practice gratitude and be grateful for the positives in my life, but that changes nothing about the fundamental essence of who I am, which is failure. I can be a failure and still be grateful for things. I can also be a kind, compassionate, and empathetic failure, so focusing on my personal qualities doesn't help ease my failure-ness. Moreover, personal qualities cannot be quantifiably measured and are entirely subjective, making them useless for determining if I am a failure. I am a failure because I have no objective and quantifiable success in life. Maybe this isn't the right subreddit for this kind of post, but I thought a philosophical approach could help me cope with being a failure since traditional talk therapy is useless to me.

Everything drains down to perception. Were these failures? Or lessons? Not lessons on how to try again and succeed necessarily. Perhaps these events, or failures as you've deemed them, have showed you something about yourself that you still don't see. How did you handle them? Did you break? You're still here. You still have time to shape your life to your design. What's your definition of success? Winning the rat race? Too late, it's been won. Respect? It's an illusion. Redefine success unto yourself. Make it mean something else. The average person will tell you success pertains to status, security, meeting vocational and monetary goals. Nay! I say.

I am a failure because I have failed at everything. How can stoicism help me to live with this?

general_qa

It's been 11 months since I got clean and part of that reason was just understanding myself and reading in to stoicism philosophy. I recently tried hydrocodone a weaker opiate and thought it would allow me to feel how I once did but after that night I just kept chasing the high and I'm back at my original dosage like before and I'm just so exhausted and frustrated with myself. I was wondering if anyone can give me stoic advice on how to make a change, I just have no where else to go and this philosophy has been the only positive thing in my life.

Context: I'm a former addict with four years of clean time (terrifying how time flies) who has been practicing Stoicism for about that length of time. Everyone relapses their way sober - that 11 months was far from "nothing", and even though you'll be resetting your clean time, this next phase will be *far* easier than the phase before. I had about a year too before I relapsed - that was my last relapse prior to this four-year span. Stoicism is not a tool for getting sober - right now you're thinking of drugs like they're a bad habit. The fact that you thought weaker drugs might help means you're still saying "the problem isn't drugs - they're not unique, the problem is *me*". Well, after 11 months you must have felt pretty fixed - and if drugs aren't the problem you may as well turn to them. You probably were fixed too. The issue is that drugs *were* the problem - they aren't like any other substance or bad habit, they're unique and have a unique neurochemistry that specifically facilitates the formation of addiction. I'm aware 12-steps completely fuck this point up by saying that addiction is a spiritual problem in the addict - it is not, addiction is a biochemical phenomenon. The problem isn't you, it's the drug - the drugs *create* your spiritual problem. That said, I still attended a 12-step fellowship simply to be accountable to others, even if I do not believe their "spiritual" advice is any use: recovering from addiction often requires you to eat humble pie in that way, and to be prepared to make things work even if they're less than ideal. If you haven't already, you need to find one of those spaces (so 12-steps or SMART) and admit what's happened and be accountable to people. Stoicism will just become your excuse for using if you try to make it a tool of recovery. Once you've sobered up and amassed a little clean time, then think "Stoicism". Personally, it worked for me after I'd detoxed to partial functionality, which took around 3 months.

Relapsed on oxy

general_qa

As a 20 year old biracial (b&w) man I can't seem to win. It's cliche but it's true when I say I've always been too white for the blacks and too black for the whites. It doesn't help I have aspergers making it hard to relate to others my age, as well as being a deep, intellectual thinker in a generation that idolizes stupidity, ignorance, and monetary meaningless items/relationships. I've recently been interested in listening and learning from Malcolm X and other influential figures in history in that space and it seems society has just fallen so far short of what they had hoped for us. Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. If I question why we have to retaliate on each other in the ghettos instead of helping each other out I'm told Im not from the hood so I wouldn't understand like I should be ashamed I was raised in nice areas. The crazy part is my father is from Compton and I've seen the hood firsthand we visit our shrinking family (due to violence) over there every other year and it's why I advocate so strongly against black on black crime. I get told I'm weird or a goofy because I like to listen to rap but also switch it up to stuff like Foo Fighters or Zillakami. It's so demoralizing to be shunned for everything I do. The area I live in is predominantly elderly conservative white people with trump flags and confederate flagged trucks, always shooting dirty looks. The (for lack of better words) 'nice/welcoming' white people that are my age to hang out with have this strange obsession with 'acting black' which I hate saying but it's the only way to describe them. They say nigga louder, prouder, and more often than even my black family members in Compton. I can't associate with them because no matter if I get mad and argue or politely ask them to stop it's always 'it's just a word' or 'X rapper says it why can't I?' They put the 'ghetto' accents on around me but all of the ones doing that talk really proper around their parents when they come around so it's not even a genuine type of accent. It's like they want to appear uneducated to me to be cool. And now with these wars and political issues going on in the world I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. They'd rather stay blissfully ignorant and discuss Kim Kardashians 5th rebound from Kanye or make fun of gay/trans people or what their favorite celebrity ate for breakfast or did to their hair. The gym has definitely kept me sane but it's not enough to just push the pain into the weights anymore I need mental exercise now. Apologies for the rant, I just have no one to open to about these things and I'm just ready to give up. Life is so simple yet people make it difficult for no reason. I just need a stoics advice and perspective, please don't be afraid to recommend or link resources to learn the ways of stoicism. I've heard of many great stoics but don't know where to get started when it comes to finding their work.

>I feel my generation is the only one that could fix things before they get out of hand yet nobody cares at all. No. This is a lie you tell yourself. >How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? A significant person in my life has a white mother and a black father. He has forged his way through poverty and looked to all the avenues to better himself. It took him 15 years, but he now has PhD in chemistry. >Everytime I meet other blacks I'm told imma lame ass nigga cuz I like to read educational books and don't like to party or 'get bitches'. This is a lie this particular small group of people you've met believes about themselves and are throwing it your way. Why would you believe it about yourself? You've got your head stuck so far in the sand, you're hiding from your own ego. Pull your head out, face your ego, throw away your ego, start reading Epictetus, and hang out with people you want to hang out with.

How does a stoic man face opposition from his own people, as well as the community he lives in? *New to Stoicism as well

general_qa

I've always found it relatively straightforward to take solace in Stoic principles when facing discouraging or upsetting career situations, such as being passed over for a promotion you believed you deserved. Stoicism provides valuable guidance on how to cope with adversity. However, I've encountered challenges when seeking positive career advice within Stoicism, despite the fact that figures like Marcus Aurelius and Seneca were leaders and enjoyed successful careers themselves. I'm curious if there is any Stoic wisdom that has personally aided you in making wise career decisions, aside from dealing with challenging workplace circumstances?

Musonius Rufus gave a lecture specifically about "career" - "What means of livelihood is appropriate for a philosopher", in which he suggests working on the farms. Here's an excerpt: There is also another means of livelihood in no way inferior to this, indeed, perhaps it would not be unreasonable to consider it even better for a strong person, namely earning a living from the soil, whether one owns his own land or not. For many who are farming land owned either by the state or by other private individuals are yet able to support not only themselves but their wives and children as well; and some in fact attain even a high degree of prosperity by hard work with their own hands. For the earth repays most justly and well those who cultivate her, returning many times as much as she received and furnishing an abundance of all the necessities of life to anyone who is willing to work; and this she does without violating one's dignity or self-respect. Of course I'm not actually suggesting you to quit your job and start a "career" as a farmer. The point here is a job, or a career is an indifferent. Even one that involves heavy manual labour while being constantly exposed in the weather is still a worthy job. The only thing that matters is how you do your work.

Stoic Career Advice

general_qa

I have been a student of Stoicism for about a year now and it has greatly helped my mental health and how I view the world and process things. It has helped ground me on some things I've struggled with and helped me let go of others, but I have a situation that I am struggling with and it is a little complex. I was born into a high control religion that both my parents and older sibling are members of (I'm trying to keep some of the specifics vague). My siblings kid (a minor at the time) 2 years ago got discovered as having a romantic interest with someone outside the religion and that is a big no-no. That entire situation spiraled out of control due to my siblings anger issues and the dynamics of the religion. My siblings kid moved out and left the religion - which my sibling blamed me for. I can deal with the blame and assumed that would happen. However, over a period of weeks I was verbally threatened with physical harm by my sibling and we went a few weeks without speaking (we live with our parents). Since that time things have cooled down and we are on okay terms. We talk and such but I honestly don't have much of a desire to spend a lot of time with or deal with them. I try to act with virtue towards them but it's hard given those events and some other things he does (or doesn't do) around the house but are not super relevant to this. They are sad we don't have much of a relationship and I feel bad about that but I can't bring myself to genuinely want to spend time or have a relationship with them. Especially after reading up on Stoic thought it has put a larger gap in our world view and some of his ideas and thoughts I find I don't really want to hear. I would appreciate any thoughts or advice regarding this. I'm just unsure about how to approach our relationship and act towards him aside from "being good". And aside from all this, I thought I was fine with how I was raised but the more I am getting into the "real world" I am seeing how much of a disadvantage I am at in terms of, aside from a couple family members who were not in the religion, I don't have much of a support structure and I have weak social skills because I grew up thinking anybody not in the religion is "wicked". I have noticed some animosity building towards the religion generally and my dad specifically and that has been bothering me as well. I guess that's more of an aside you can comment on if you want.

There is an awful lot to unpack here - the simple truth is that you are in the "collapsing" phase of a cult. You may not think of your religion in terms of being a cult - I suspect it's a fringe offshoot of an already small offshoot of a more mainstream religion, and I'd wager it was not always cult-like in its administration. Cult-like religions collapse because their leader (and I suspect you know roughly who that is for you, I'd guess they're the so-called "community leader") rules through edicts that apparently represent some kind of divine will, yet as soon as you've made that claim the edict cannot be questioned - after all, something divine can't be wrong. But the rule is wrong, and every person who is in a situation where it falls down ends up blamed or ostracised. Of course, each time this happens it creates dissent, for cohesion is the natural state of a family, and the natural drive in all human relationships, and the cult is now directly operating against this reality. Dissent is crushed with yet more edicts from the divine, which open up more holes and more ostracisation, leading to increasing stability over time. Your anger at the religion is justified - you are averse to the thing harming your family dynamic. But the anger is also a passion for it is not going away - that's because you are feeling compelled to re-evaluate your relationship with the religion itself, but you're avoiding doing that. All roads forward involve addressing that anger by re-evaluating your relationship with the religion. This is about the biggest step a person can take in your situation, but it's clear you have family members who have left and are already on the other side - whatever you choose, you won't be alone. You also cannot repair or even decide upon what family dynamic you want until you undertake that process.

Advice on how to move forward handling this family dynamic

general_qa

Hey guys, first of all, I wanted to thank everybody in the community for this amazing subreddit, I've recently started my stoic studies and I've read John Sellar's Stoicism and now following the advice in this post: [https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/1617471/how\_to\_learn\_stoicism\_systematically/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/comments/1617471/how_to_learn_stoicism_systematically/)I've acquired Discourses and Selected Writings by Epictetus. I would like your view in a problem that's been frustating to me.I'm studying to a test to join the Air Force in my country, the content that I need to study is mathematics, physics, grammar, text interpretation and english.In my high school, mathematics and physics were taught very poorly, which are the ones I'm having the most difficult with... I'm having my first contact with many of the subjects (I didn't even knew what a function was).My main problem is that I get easily frustated, to pass on the test, it's necessary to solve dozens of questions on the topics, missing one makes me very angry at myself, I think that I'm not competent enough and that all my effort was useless and then it's one step to get all sort of bad thoughts, which results in me not wanting to study anymore...I admit that reading John Sellars book was maybe a way of escapim from my responsability, I think I was trying to find an answer to my personal problem but I'm afraid it may be just me trying to escape... Also, I get easily discouraged when video lessons are too long (Most math classes are 20 minutes, it's not rare for a physics one to be 1 hour), I don't have the patience, even 20 min classes feel too long and I put the video in 1.5x... Maybe I do this because I feel so behind everybody who already have seen the subjects and are my competition. I would like your advice on my issue, how can I get over my frustation? I know that making mistakes is a step into making progress, but this thought just don't get in my head.

It's good that you recognized your formal education in some subjects were not enough and are putting in the effort to study them by yourself. That already puts you ahead of many people who would rather blame their circumstances and become wretched. Have you tried some ways to study other than video lessons, like books, online resources in text format, private tutoring, etc? I understand you're worried about not making it on time, but rushing the content and then forgetting about it will just end up wasting you even more time. There's a limit to how quickly you can absorb new concepts and there's no cheat or life hack to bypass it. Either you accept and operate within your limit, or you don't and end up getting frustrated while also failing to study anyway. As for Stoic advice, there are a lot of things to reflect upon and it will take time for you to think through all of them. You will be completely on your own in this process because only you know what you truly want. I'll list them out based on what I see from your post, chances are as you ponder through them you might discover even more things worth reflecting upon. * How much importance you place on your choice of career, and why. * Why is it important to pass the next exam instead of the one, or the ones after that? * What is the real value of learning about these subjects? (It's not only about passing an exam) * Is it worth it to force yourself through subjects you don't like? (I suspect this is the real reason for your lack of patience) * Why do you call others who share the same aspirations as you your "competitors"? Won't they be your brothers and sisters in arms once you pass the exam? * Don't you want the Air Force of your country to include the most qualified people? If so, is it not a good thing that people who are more qualified than you pass the exam?

How to deal with the frustation when studying?

general_qa

Hi all, Aspiring Stoic here and am looking for some advice. I have been reading some of Seneca (on anger) and some Marcus Aurelius. Some parts of Stoicism is resonating with me, specifically the dichotomy of control and classifying things as indifferent. One reason I came to Stoicism is due to my over analyzation of situations and being upset about the events that transpired particularly getting either sad/disappointed/mad over events that go negatively for any reason, some examples include: \- Getting upset if I lose in a competitive game \- Arguing over minuscule things with close friends \- Caring too much about opinions I shouldn't Note that this isn't a super frequent situation but something I personally want to improve on. My close friends tell me I'm fine and the above is normal (they're good people) but its not the kind of person I want to be which lead me to Stoicism. I am looking for advice on how I can exercise the dichotomy of control, be indifferent to events/outcomes while also caring about the events. I feel like when I try to follow some of the ideologies I am reading about, I start to lean towards "I don't care about this so therefore it wont affect me" and I have read enough to know that this is NOT the goal. I very much do not want to fall into that anyways. Please go easy on me if I mispoke on anything or missed some key context, I am new to this and looking for advice or a guide in the right direction. Thanks in advance.

I'm by no means an expert but maybe the answer is already in your post. You said when you start to read some of the ideologies(?) and begin to follow them, you start to not care. It seems like you're not properly applying what you've learned. For example, getting angry in a game. You stop and give yourself a moment. You feel the anger for what it is; a reaction. You choose not to be angered by the game. You say you follow the "ideologies" (curious what you mean) and then stop caring. There seems to be a fundamental disconnect between your understanding of the material and what's going on. If you're not caring then you're no longer feeling anger, and thus how are you applying said "ideologies?"

Struggling with some parts of Stoicism

general_qa

I just need some stoic advice. I am completely devastated. How do I get through this?

Looking at your post and comment history, my recommendation would be to stop taking drugs. Mushrooms and infant care don't mix well.

Girlfriend broke up with me and left with the baby

general_qa

What is some stoic advice on how to reduce or even eliminate the fear of taking risk? Such as approaching a cute girl at the bar. I believe that so many of us are so worried about how others perceive us that the actual event of rejection may not bother us but what bothers us is how the people who witnessed that rejection would perceive you. How do I get over this fear of taking risks, getting rejected and what others think about me?

Negative visualization or something, I can't remember it's name but basically think of all the possible worst outcomes imaginable and pretend as if they have happened, embrace them. You will never be disappointed

Stoic way of mitigating the fear of taking risks

general_qa

Hello so various things 1. I've accepted that my two paths at this point are either to make and save enough money to live on my own away from everyone(hopefully in a large field) in a small house. Or (hopefully not) suicide. Either way, I've made peace with it. Having lost friends because of what I did(deservingly) word has spread. I've " improved"( at least I hoped although sometimes I feel like I'm lying). I've caused harm and I've made my bed. Might as well deal with it. Amor Fati. I feel like these two things would be the most Virtuous path for me. There's no way I can form any new bonds tbh with you. No one wants to associate themselves with someone like me( especially not with my recent diagnosis). The harm I've caused can't be erased. Moving on from this wouldn't be fair for her. Yet for some reason, a part of me refuses to disbelief that my Fate in this scenario is permanent. I've reevaluated myself, took medication(s), etc. I'm " calmer." but idk if I'm better. But. doing what little noble thing I can is the best I can do. No one has any obligation to someone like me. 2. Would it be reasonable, even noble for a person who's proven to be a person that's a danger to society to kill himself so as to no longer harm others? In Stoicism, those with Vice's should be cast out ( I ask this hypothetically ). If that's so, would it be noble for one to do so? It's been said that people who commit my actions. It's said that people who commit these actions don't usually change. Would it be nobler for a rapist who wants to get better to( after paying for the consequences of their actions of course) try to be a nobler man or commit suicide so as to not cause future harm or to give back to Nature? 3. Would it be hypocritical for me to let's say, have any opinions on right and wrong due to my past actions? Or even to do good things(giving someone advice.). Especially since it doesn't erase what I did. I try not to comment on a lot of things because I don't think I have a right. I purposely don't do many things because I don't think it'll be fair for me to have joy or happiness. Would it be me lying if I did something even slightly noble, such as holding the door for someone? Would I be lying to myself and others? Even if I'm genuine. As many people have said, "If several people are saying you causing trouble, you probably causing trouble." So am I a liar then? Genuine question. I accept people being skeptical of me tbh, why wouldn't day? I'm just curious about if it's hypocritical to be doing good based on severe bad actions. Is it acceptable for me to attempt Virtue? I frankly don't know. Yeah, I have various mental health issues and disorders but they're frankly not a good excuse. My path is the path of Solitude due to my actions. I wish it wasn't so but I have to. If I come a certain way then I apologize. What is the Stoic way of dealing with this? Should it be to look into the present and be at peace with Nature?

The most "Stoic" thing you can do when you have mental health issues is to seek professional help and fully commit to dealing with those issues first.

Trying to Make Peace with Dilemmas

general_qa

What does stoicism say about hanging around people that may bring you down? I've been doing research on it and I've seen two sides to it: one where we should immediately leave as no matter how clean you are, you will get dirty hanging around dirty people. The other says that we shouldn't let them affect us and to continue moving forward and to accept them as who they are. To give some context, I've been taking some things more seriously in my life and have considered some life changing decisions. I'll still come and hang around with my friend group but now it feels like they're "bums". They're sense of enjoyment seems to be shitting on other people that try in life because they themselves are living a life they don't enjoy. They've even made comments poking fun at me for taking something serious that they think is silly. It feels like they're all just waiting around until they're final day comes, accomplishing nothing everyday. Overall, everytime I talk to them it always feels like we're gossiping and putting someone else down for our own enjoyment and it's something I can't get behind now. I'm not really sure what to do. Is it wrong of me to cut them off or distance myself? Isn't it not stoic to cut them off because I am letting what they say and do affect me? Shouldn't I not be bothered by their actions and be able to continue doing what I have to do while enduring their actions? If what I've read is true, aren't my friends prescribed to me in a sense? That they were prescribed to me in life for me to be able to endure harsher words better and for me to be able to learn to block out all the noise? At the same time, there are stoics like Epictetus that say I should just leave and surround myself with people more like-minded no? Any advice is appreciated, in a very confusing spot in my life right now, thanks

Relationships are transactional. It's not a romantic thing to say but what is the value of a bond if it doesn't benefit both parties more than it damages them? First you may want to define what friendship means to you. Seneca speaks about this in his [9th letter](https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_9)"On Philosophy and Friendship" - section 8, 9, and 10+ in particular. His 3rd letter is also on friendship and he may add to your definition more with that one, but the 9th letter is more to your question.

Feel like I'm outgrowing friends.

general_qa

Hey everyone! I just recently finished reading meditations by Marcus Aurelius for the first time and it help me get through some very hard times. But often I feel that I have this underlying anxiety at all times that I just can't seem to shake. I meditate, practice stoic wisdom, and try to focus my mind constantly, but nothing seems to make me relax. Aurelius says in his book that he simply "displaced my anxiety", but as well as this works for displacing anger, sadness, and arrogance, anxiety seems to be trickier. Just wondering if anyone who has spent more time with stoicism than me has some advice. Also just any advice to a beginner stoic in general is welcome. Thanks!

Well classic Stoic thought on anxiety is that it comes from false impressions, that we maybe want people to think or say something when really their thoughts and actions are their business and not ours. Or we maybe consider that a certain outcome is 'right' or 'good' when actually no outcome of itself is good or bad, but it is up to us to be wise and look for how we can practice virtue in any situation. Or maybe we are catastrophising and that the outcome we are dreading is unlikely to happen, but regardless we can prepare for it and realise that we do have the inner resources to maintain equanimity That is all well and good, and most of the time absolutely fine But for myself, I experience generalised anxiety which is a different beast. Deal with one issue and worry will find another to latch on to. Because this is not an intellectual thing, it's almost like it has its own being, independent of my mind The Stoic can rationalise that another has not returned my call because they are busy, or for other reasons that are outside of my control, but for a gut-worrier this is not the solution. Sure it may be a healthier way to regard the unreturned call. But since the worry exists independently, it has to find something so it just looks around for something else instead. Perhaps that rattle in the car, or the headache I had this morning rationalizing one thing away just sends the worry to latch onto something else. Over many years I have come to the conclusion that this type of worry wants to be heard and that acknowledging it is better than trying to make it go away. So I would quite literally say to myself 'that's my worry caring about me not getting that call, not my reason' or 'that's my anxiety latching onto the noise in the car, I'll chat to my motor mate tomorrow'. It's a slightly different emphasis from pure Stoicism, I don't dismiss the worry more I accept it is part of me that wants to be acknowledged.

Anxiety

general_qa

I have just begun reading stoic philosophy and the controllables seem to be what one should focus on for a fulfilling life. This sounds right on to me, but I recently did an exercise where I determined my values and one of mine was that I value developing compassion for/with others. This value now seems a contract for unhappiness as it is completely based on the reciprocation of connection from another person (which does sometimes not come about). I have noticed in the past that my desire for this connection with certain people has made me unhappy. Would it be reasonable to determine a different value that I should try to commit that involves a less companion-based outcome? Maybe one with a more self-controllable outcome? Or should I have a different thought process around what compassion is? Or am I thinking of values wrong? I'm feeling very lost so any advice would be much appreciated.

Compassion is a one way street. It is a feeling you feel for another being. There is no requirement for reciprocity. If feeling compassion is a strong value to you, do it without the expectation that they will give you something back.

Is a value of compassion for/with others a path to unhappiness?

general_qa

I have an upcoming job performance review with my boss who tends to have nothing nice to say to me. I'm trying to apply stoic principles which help a bit. But how do you guys cope/deal with a boss who has nothing good to say to you? I tend to freeze (my mind goes blank) during these reviews which are just him quizzing me until he find something I don't know how to answer. So far I've set my mind that he's not going to change the way he treats me but I'd like to know how you guys deal with someone like him during this performance review. Do I agree with him and just tell him he's right and move on? (I'm actively looking for another job BTW). What advice do you have?

Some people really should not be in a position of authority over others. But, since this is the situation you're in right now, perhaps this will help. Listen to everything he says, and note the things that you believe are actually valid observations of mistakes you made and places you can improve. These are genuinely helpful, because you want to be the best person-in-your-role you can be, and valid criticism helps you do that. The rest can wash over you. It doesn't need to soak in. If he is unreasonable, nitpicky, or just straight out cruel, that reflects more on him than it does on you. The meeting will probably still be difficult, but you can use it as practice for dealing with difficult situations

Stoicism and job performance review

general_qa

Any Stoic advice for someone that lives in a really dangerous region, how to deal with it? Being realistic the situation will not get better in the place that i live. How to see the life in this case

The Stoic position, one that I have never had to significantly test and so am only explaining academically, is that death and physical harm are not bad and should not be feared because death comes to everyone. The only thing to fear is living poorly.I feel like a hypocrite writing this because this is the epitome of "easier typed on a phone than done". But if you can work towards this ideal then you will be stronger than I can imagine. Here is a collection of quotes: https://www.stoicsimple.com/stoic-quotes-on-death-the-best-stoicism-sayings-phrases/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CLet%20death%20and%20exile%2C%20and,nor%20too%20eagerly%20covet%20anything.%E2%80%9D

How to deal with real death threats

general_qa

I saw in this sub some comments about selflessness and I have struggles to comprehend the concept of stoic cosmopolitanism and the idea that "the good you do to others is a good you do to yourself". Because it isn't always the case and it would be irrational to think otherwise. We don't always feel joy from helping someone. So I really don't know how to interpret that statement. Besides, should a stoic always help people even if they can fend for themselves? Your thoughts and advices are welcome.

[Hierocles' Circles](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hierocles_(Stoic)) is probably the most known way to explain this: >Some other fragments of Hierocles' writings are preserved by Stobaeus. The most famous fragment describes Stoic cosmopolitanism through the use of concentric circles in regard to oikeiosis. Hierocles describes individuals as consisting of a series of circles: the first circle is the human mind, next comes the immediate family, followed by the extended family, and then the local community. Next comes the community of neighbouring towns, followed by your country, and finally the entire human race. Our task, according to Hierocles was to draw the circles in towards the centre, transferring people to the inner circles, making all human beings part of our concern. Contemporary Stoic philosophers Kai Whiting and Leonidas Konstantakos, added a further circle of concern to the original set to reflect a Stoic's relationship, and duty of care towards the environment, as discussed in their book Being Better: Stoicism for a World Worth Living In and various academic papers. It's not a transaction where we receive feelings of joy as a reward - it's like treating your family's needs as equally important to your own, which is not some exotic philosophical concept. Stoics believed that arriving at that from childish egoism is a natural process that happens as a person matures, and it expands to larger groups of people. A perfectly wise person would see the entire Universe as one with themselves. They described this as "oikeiosis" - "Oikos" means something like a household or a social unit, so I think the term means something like "seeing more people as part of your household", which includes caring for them. It's also not selflessness as in you're supposed to care for the entire world while forgetting your own needs like some sort of monk. Again, if you think about a healthy family dynamic, it's a good model - everyone's needs should be important and catered to.

Stoicism and selflessness

general_qa

I am trying to immerse myself in stoic philosophy, but I keep on doing hedonistic things, like waste time on YouTube and eat bad food. The YouTube addiction also distracts my study, my musical training, and my mental maturing. Is there any advice from those who have had this issue on how to overcome it?

It takes intention and focus. One common practice is to include a preparation of your day as part of your mornings. Take some time looking ahead and preparing your responses. You need to know who you are, who you want to be, and the difference between them. Until you come to believe that your study and training is more important than comfort, you'll stay in the trap you're in. It may help to set reminders throughout the day and train yourself to respond to it by asking "what am I doing right now? Is there something more important to be done?" (I fat fingered something that posted this comment early before I was done, sorry.)

I am struggling with hedonism

general_qa

Pretty new to stoicism, in the last 6 weeks but journalising and reading daily, starting with Seneca. But I need some advice. Recently my partner had to have an abortion for medical reasons around a month ago. It hit me really hard. I am mostly at terms with it and was already in therapy anyhow so had support for my side of it. But today I told a good old friend about it all, no filter on the phone and he turned it into a really callous joke. I had to let him know I am not good with that and ended the call. Does anyone know of any stoic advice on when you have been hurt by loved ones and friends?

Stoic ancients said: Stay away from unclean activities and people because it will rub off on you. Nothing wrong with deciding you need a new group of friends - it actually shows growth on your part.

Need a little help here.

general_qa

Throughout my life I have lived in a constant state of worry, for every thing imaginable. I also have OCD (purely obsessive). This is my biggest enemy and has to be defeated. Does any of you have any stoic advice/resource?

For me personally; it's simply practice, practice, practice. Whatever I'm anxious about, if I practice the skill, I get better at it, and my anxiety goes down. Not only do my skills improve, but I learn that failures aren't as bad as I'm imagined them to be. Good luck!

How can I overcome anxiety?

general_qa

I have a painful psychological scar from something that happened decades ago. It was a colossal missed opportunity, an immense disappointment, a stupid "last minute" mistake which resulted in a personal failure which changed the trajectory of my life. I cannot simply let what happened go as if it were a type of pure external misfortune - such as a weather catastrophe or a stock market crash. *Some* of it was out of my control, sure. I can point to such things as the bad advice I got from others at the time, the unfair nature of the system which I was working within, or the simple fact that there was some critical information I just wasn't aware of at the time. However, what eats me up is knowing that if I had put a little more effort in, made just a few more strides forward in my path, talked to a few more people, been slightly less arrogant about my situation - I know I would have prevailed. In other words, part of it *was* in my control, but I failed to act on it. Is there a Stoic teaching I can look to to help me finally let go of this frustrating regret, this emotional wound - this particular kind of life misfortune that indeed I was partially responsible for?

Because it's in the past, it is beyond your control. The fact that it was in your control back then doesn't matter. It's beyond your control *now*. I know it's not easy and I struggle with my own regrets, but I just try to remind myself of this when it creeps up on me. It's just your mind screwing with you.

Stoicism advises us to let go of things we can't control, but how do we let go of something in our past we *could* have controlled, but didn't?

general_qa

I've been dealing with a family member who tends to be rude/selfish to people, even to strangers. Cursing and blaming people is a common occurrence in all situations. I try to avoid as much contact with this person as possible but when it happens to strangers while I'm there, I can't help but feel bad. I've tried to explain that what they are doing is wrong but my advice is still ignored (this happened multiple times already). According to stoic teachings, if you can't control the situation, it's best to ignore it but when it affects other people, should I care for this situation?

Focus on your own actions; the best you can do is observe if any action he takes resembles yours and then correct yourself.

Help to deal with a rude/selfish family member.

general_qa

Hi all. I am a relatively new student of stoic philosophy, although I have always admired it as it seemed consistent with my own ideas and beliefs. I have been reading a lot of original work's recent but am looking for some help in sorting through the ideas in this situation because I feel confused and conflicted by many things. The title is pretty straightforward and would probably be enough, but here's some more context for anyone with time and attention to spare. At the end of last semester, I started talking to a girl from one of my classes who was an exchange student who would be going home at the end of the semester so I didn't think anything would come of it. We met to hang out a few times before she left, and although it was really fun and she was a really cool person, nothing else happened romantically and I thought her leaving would be the end. But after she went home, she continued contacting me and we grew really close with daily texting and weekly FaceTime calls. After about 3 months I asked her what was going on, whether we were just friends or something more, because I had started developing stronger feelings. I was disappointed to hear her say she only saw me as a friend, that she hadn't told me about another guy she was seeing when we started talking, and that she recognized her behavior the last few months had been misleading. But she reiterated how strongly she cared for me and didn't want to lose me as a friend. I told her I needed some space and after a week of no contact she texted asking how I was. Since then we have been talking fairly regularly. In fact, she is almost more talkative than she was before. But there are times we go a day or two without talking, and it actually feels okay now. But although I accept her lack of romantic interest, I can't say I am completely over her yet, and it's hard for me not to consider the future with her despite her lack of interest and the distance. And every time there is a lull in communication she finds something to keep it going. My issue is I fear that by continuing to be friends, I am making this harder on myself and possibly being unfair to her. I am confused by how I can apply some of the teachings of stoicism to my situation. On one hand I feel I should accept what fate has brought me, which is a good person who apparently really wants to be my friend, and stop focusing on the past and future. But I am trying to be wise and just to myself and her. I don't want to be in a situation where I am constantly in pain or where I cannot be a true friend to her. I am trying to accept that I can control so little of this, but I still think that how I act now has some bearing on this relationship and my life overall. I would appreciate any advice into what I have done wrong at any point so far or any misconceptions of the philosophy I may carry. What would a stoic recommend in this situation?

> I would appreciate any advice into what I have done wrong at any point so far or any misconceptions of the philosophy I may carry. What would a stoic recommend in this situation? In my opinion you're looking at this from the perspective of what you can control and what you can't. This is one teacher's reminder to his students to prepare for the bigger picture; you're missing that bigger picture which is why you're stuck, spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere. The bigger picture you're missing is understanding reality as it is, not as you may wish or fear it to be, so that you can calibrate your desires accordingly. I'll go through your post to illustrate what I mean. >because I had started developing stronger feelings. You had cultivated desires and began to imagine a reality for which there was no evidence to support. In short, you were preparing yourself for a world as you wished it to be. And you started to feel frustrated because it didn't work out in reality. One of my favorite definitions of virtue is the disposition of the soul for harmony concerning the whole of one's life. When you lack that harmony you are experiencing the emotions related to maintaining expectations against the backdrop of a reality that doesn't conform to those expectations. >I was disappointed to hear her say she only saw me as a friend, Even though all the evidence supported this reality, you had built up a fantasy reality in your head. The source of your frustration is this clash between fantasy and reality, the clash that you ignored because you desired a potential scenario over reality. >that she hadn't told me about another guy she was seeing when we started talking, She was telling her friend her latest news. This is what friends do. >and that she recognized her behavior the last few months had been misleading. Hold the phone. She didn't mislead you, you misled yourself. >But she reiterated how strongly she cared for me and didn't want to lose me as a friend. You have a good friend there. I encourage you to keep her. Sometimes life comes at us with one challenge after another, and it's nice to have someone in our corner. Be that for her, let her be that for you. You are at the beginning of what could be a lifelong friendship here. That's no small thing. >I am making this harder on myself and possibly being unfair to her. You feel friendzoned, but have you considered if she feels fuckzoned? Have you considered if she feels that you don't value her or her friendship unless sex is a possibility? I'd say that is unfair to her, yes. >I am confused by how I can apply some of the teachings of stoicism to my situation. By analyzing your impressions and correcting any errors in judgment. Epictetus' Discourse 4.1 is all about how to be free from this kind of emotional pain and distress by understanding how to recognize what you genuinely want, and whether or not the solutions you assume will work are actually logical and practical or not. All of Discourses is fantastic in this way. >I am trying to accept that I can control so little of this, I suggest you put to the side any notion of control. You're misunderstanding the concept and so unfortunately your application of it is getting in the way of your own intentions. >What would a stoic recommend in this situation? Read the original Stoics. Keep reading so you can start generalizing the concepts. That doesn't come from quotes, videos, or journal prompts. It comes from reading many different texts so that over time you start to see patterns. Eventually you'll start to notice them in your own experiences. That's when Stoicism really starts making a difference. But a philosophy cannot work until it is understood, and I think you could benefit from reading more. In the meantime, this series of posts is a great introduction and should help clear up some misconceptions: [Introducing Stoic Ideas.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new)

How can the principles of stoicism help when you've been 'friendzoned' by someone you like?

general_qa

So I have a huge crush on my best friend that came on like a switch. I said something she said that made her happy. I was like wtf really? Ok I said can I express more? I'm an enfp artist with controlled bipolar so I'm pretty passionate when I am but it takes a lot. Sapiophile, demisexual. She's been receptive and says all this makes her happy. That she needs to adjust and I'm fine. We are making plans for Halloween. She said she'd be vocal if something wasn't right. We have a completely honest relationship. Then she said she's pretty stoic about stuff. I get confused looking it up and it's hard for me to ask more than I'm good and she's happy with everything. She said she'd reciprocate when she can. I guess I was hoping for a bigger reaction but that's how I'd react. I value independence and self care and her comfort very much. Any stoic advice? Does opening up take longer? Does stoic mean no love? I've seriously never felt like this, brain damage let me rewire things right. I'd do very much to not screw this once in a lifetime potential. Thanks for hearing my ramble, I've got so much love but if someone is not guiding me a bit I'm literally clueless. This is the first time not being attracted to an abuser. This woman changed my type. Says we should explore what I deserve. I don't want entitlement I want a lil reciprocal and I'm just trying to chill and not let past trauma ruin this.

We can't answer this, because we don't know what she thinks "being stoic" means. Ask her, not us. In general, ask her about anything she says or does that you don't understand. She's the expert on her.

Help me understand my crush?

general_qa

I just moved out alone and started a real job, 8-16 every day. I find myself being lonely often at night, this makes me more often use cannabis as a relief. Not being in a relationship with someone makes me feel empty and stuck in past relationships, which only strengthens the feeling of loneliness. I know that a stoic would and should not rely on other people to make him/her feel content in life, but I lack the mindfulness to incorporate this philosophy. I'm 25 and feel I've missed all opportunities to find a romantic partner, I know this is irrational. but I'm looking for some advice on how to tackle the feeling of loneliness. Currently reading discourses but having trouble understanding some of it. If someone has a specific passage from the book they would like to share their interpretation on, what would be great

First, find the core of your desire to have a partner. Pleasure, companionship, support, etc... Knowing the reason in a more rational way can help you. Also, check if you're not comparing yourself to other people who have partners. Sometimes, you may feel that they are 'more complete' and satisfied, which is not always true. The attention you give to this and the lack of results (because it's not within your control) can consume you and prevent you from evolving in what truly matters.

Loneliness and constant fear of never finding a partner

general_qa

I have.. an interesting relationship dynamic to say the least. And yes, I know you must be thinking why I'm not posting this on r/relationship_advice or what not. I will be doing that too. To me, this is a problem that i might need, or in this case, will need a lot of stoic advice to carry on and process myself. Thank you all in advance. My story is as follows. Well, the short and long of it as I have yet to fully comprehend what has happened for how long. The gist of it is that after a seriously heated debate between me and my then-girlfriend. She decided that she doesnt want to be my girlfriend anymore. But we've still kept contact since, sometimes texting almost daily. I keep going on the pretense that maybe if I show her how much I care, how hard Im trying, then maybe she'll build enough trust for me to consider getting back. That lasted for a month, or two. And while all that was going on, in the midst of me constantly trying to mend that broken relationship, she was out having fun with another person, flirting with them, all the while still demanding/expecting things from me. Sometimes she would say that she wants to get back together but she is still so hurt by the past that she cant do so. Opting instead to become uncaring towards me and actively showing me that she is willing to defend another person. Something that she has never once done for me in the past. At somepoint in that strained relationship a fight between us broke out because of how she thought i was so uncaring of her, even with her constant disregarding of my feelings. That ended in me cutting ties.. or so I though as I once again messaged her later, simply saying to want to say how much Ive loved her and how I'll be going away. This then resulted in us meeting up, while only after a day from our last, she has decided to become partners with the other person i was talking about before. We talked, and I somehow convinced myself that staying friends with her was the better choice. But witnessing her treat another person how I've always wanted to be treated just breaks my heart. I'm jealous of it, envious of how I can't have been the one. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Or how to process myself moving forward. On one hand, I would like to stay to maybe gain a chance at rebuilding their trust and affection once more. On the other, I know that by doing so, I risk myself not ever fully recovering from this relationship and tying myself down to it. Any stoic advice is extremely helpful as I do not know what I should be doing with myself moving forward. The thought of revenge does come to mind, but I do not think such shallowness is the right way to fulfillment and me being actually happy. Nor am I able to think of anyways of revenge lol. So please, as Stoics, please give me your advice on this topic... I am in dire need of help. EDIT: I couldnt reply to every comment there is on this little post of mine. Im glad to have so many people give advice and pay mind to my problem. I thank you all for the kind words and will now continue studying the path of Stoicism so that one day I will be lucky enough to be able to apply the teachings of Stoicism to my life. And be able to give out such enlightening advices like the rest of us here. Peace and love be with you all.

You've kinda talked yourself into a hell of your own creation here No contact with the ex. She's moved on, she's keeping you around as some kinda of emotional support because she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. Eventually new guy is going to tell her to stop communicating with you and you'll be cut out anyway. May as well take some semblance of control over the situation.

I feel frustrated that I am staying friends with my ex while they already have a new lover.

general_qa

I need clarification about how these virtues, personal values and goals fit together. Shouldn't I just set my personal values as the four cardinal virtues, or am I missing something? Why have personal values beyond that? Just living the four cardinal virtues is enough to keep me busy, and I am finding focusing on the cardinal virtues is helping me immensely from feeling lost and overwhelmed. Am I missing something? The way I see setting goals is that they are the practical application of the virtues to my unique roles and responsibilities. For example, in my role as a parent, I have a long-term goal to model stoic behaviour in a way that builds my kid's character. I may then set shorter-term goals that help with achieving this, such as going camping next weekend. It just really seems to work with me to focus on the cardinal virtues and set both short-term and long-term goals, but I think I might be missing something. I would really appreciate advice on this.

>I need clarification about how these virtues, personal values and goals fit together. I'm going to quote you a selection of excerpts from the Discourses on the definition of virtue. >So how is it that, although we are now agreed about the nature of virtue, we still try to demonstrate progress in areas that are unrelated? What is the goal of virtue, after all, except a life that flows smoothly? > >**Discourse 1:4 "On Progress"** > >Free is the person who lives as he wishes and cannot be coerced, impeded or compelled, whose impulses cannot be thwarted, who always gets what he desires and never has to experience what he would rather avoid. > >**Discourse 4:1 "On Freedom"** > >What is the good as you feature it?' > >'It means serenity, happiness and independence.' > >**Discourse III 22 "On Cynicism"** > >The body is the raw material of the doctor and physical therapist. Land is the farmer's raw material. The raw material of the good man is his mind - his goal being to respond to impressions the way nature intended. > >**Discourse 3:1 "What is the material proper to the good person and what is the goal they should strive to achieve"** > >'Well, whatever you may say, I know good from bad, and have an idea of the good.' You have one, I allow. 'And I put it into practice.' You use it in specific instances, yes. 'And I use it correctly.' Well, that's the crux, because this is where opinions become an issue. Starting with the ideas we take for granted, we get into arguments whenever we apply them incorrectly. If, along with the innate ideas, we came into the world with knowledge of how they should be applied, we would be perfect wise men from the moment we were born. > >**Discourse 2:11 "Starting Philosophy"** As you can see, there are nuances and complexity to how the term "virtue" is used. You won't even understand that most of those paragraphs are talking about virtue - a close study of the Stoic arguments is required. You can't ask reddit what virtue is and how it should mix with your life - this is a comprehension that you would need to build-up over many hours of studying the philosophy and then running many trials in integrating the things it *claims* are true into your life. As a general rule of thumb, if you've not spent at-least 10 hours independently studying and contemplating the Stoic arguments (so that's the Discourses and Seneca's letters), you couldn't possibly have the basic comprehension you would need to start this process. You need to try to get that independent study under your belt. As it happens, every word out of Seneca and Epictetus' mouth (and most of what Marcus Aurelius says to himself in Meditations) is on the topic of "virtue". You can't read a single Stoic argument *without* being exposed to its definition, but it's rarely directly. I can tell you that virtue is classified as "that which brings a smooth flow of life", but setting that as your goal will be no use: everyone on earth, Stoic or not, is aiming to have a smooth flow of life. Virtue is found in the sum total of the correct arguments about how to reasonably adapt your thoughts and feelings to the realities of your life - that's not an easy thing to understand and it takes a *lot* of study.

Virtues vs Personal Values vs Goals

general_qa

Hello, Colonoscopy. Prep is very unpleasant though there are some possible "hacks"ike using a nasogastric tube. What annoys me the most about it is that I have the feeling to lose control over my body. It feels like an agression. It makes me angry and unfriendly towards the nurses. So, how would be a stoic way to deal with the loss of bodily control (the prep causes you to go to the toilet to clean your gut). When I was a kid, four nurses hold me firm and a fifth one introduced a tube to my stomach to pass the product. I never recover from that trauma. I lost the ability to speak for two days after that... Anyway, even if I know the general principles, I need advice. I know, a stoic would say having this Crohn's disease is outside my control so nothing to worry about. However it's in my power to do this colonoscopy, as unpleasant it is, because it is important to check my disease doesn't turn into a cancer. Is there something I could read that would help me ? Thanks a lot

Worry refers to the thoughts, images, emotions, and actions of a negative nature in a repetitive, uncontrollable manner that results from a proactive cognitive risk analysis made to avoid or solve anticipated potential threats and their potential consequences ([wiki](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worry)). Insofar as you genuinely believe there to be risks, you will naturally worry. Anyone who tells you to just not worry because a disease is out of your control is only sharing that they aren't worried because they don't hold the same beliefs about risks and vulnerabilities. Not only do these people misunderstand what control meant to the Stoics, they are essentially dressing up, in as positive a way as they can, the fact that they really don't care and don't understand why you do. I guarantee those same people worry about different things. No, what the Stoics were saying was that your cognitive risk analysis can be challenged, and insofar as you are harboring beliefs that do not correspond with reality objectively, you will face frustrations and worries. The goal isn't to try and convince yourself not to worry (how long would that even work anyway?), the goal is to align your beliefs with as accurate a representation of reality that you can muster. This is partly what is meant by living in conformity with nature. Furthermore, it is your nature as a human to rely on higher order critical thinking skills and social relationships, so utilize them as much as you can. I can't pretend to know what it's like to have Chrohn's, though I have a friend who asked me to make sure she didn't pass out taking showers at college just before she was diagnosed, so frail and weak had she become. So I don't have any first hand experience, but I know it's not always an easy challenge to live with, and your medical care sounds like it is fraught with a lot of really bad memories. If you are familiar with the philosophy of Stoicism, you'll remember that virtue is the only thing that can be reliably considered good. It is the only thing that cannot be taken away from you, used against you, lost, or stolen. It is the only thing necessary and in fact sufficient for *eudaimonia* (a life of contentment, flourishing). And you can see the evidence of this if you take enough time to find people with your medical condition who don't fear these events, who don't wait with anxiety, who respond to them as inconveniences in the moment but worthwhile endeavors for their greater goal of staying on top of the disease. And you'll find that people who are in great physical health who are miserable, who lack this contentment we all seek, which is further evidence that health is not the important variable here, your ability to understand and process your experiences well is (virtue). I would encourage you to read this series of posts about Stoicism as a refresher if you've read Discourses or some of the letters of Seneca already, or as a starting point if you really haven't: [Introducing Stoic Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/search/?q=%22Introducing+Stoic+Ideas%22+author%3AElAround+&include_over_18=on&restrict_sr=on&sort=new). This series of posts will walk you through what impressions are, how judgments are formed, and what we can do to empower ourselves when facing circumstances we'd really rather not encounter. Then I would encourage you to read Epictetus' Discourses. Each chapter stands alone so you don't need to keep track of where you were. Some are longer some are shorter, some will catch your attention right away. Just read through it in whatever order works for you, and read again those chapters that really stand out to you. I would encourage you to take personal notes as well, and start to notice where these thought patterns and beliefs show up in your own day. Anyway, good luck to you. You've been through a lot, I think you might be stronger than you realize.

How would a stoic deal with very unpleasant medical exam

general_qa