Datasets:

R-Arfin

/

Depression

like 0

how to not be an asshole during a deep depression?

i feel like my depression (and agoraphobia) have made me so selfish and i want to be better. i struggle to take care of my basic needs and i feel like i can no longer do anything for anyone else anymore. i cant get myself to stand long enough for simple acts of service for my loved ones. i'm bad at getting back to texts, not knowing what to say when all i can think is depressive thoughts. even spending time with great people is so hard because of the anxiety. any ideas? ive tried and am continuing to try lots of treatment options

What should I expect from antidepressants?

I (21M) am starting antidepressants and today was my first day. I understand it’s supposed to take a bit to kick in, but I’ve never been on any medications before so I’m not too sure what I’m supposed to feel like. For me, it’s kind of a crap shoot weather I’ll be depressed on any given day so I’m a bit worried I won’t be able to tell if it’s working or not. I’m used to quicker acting substances like weed and alcohol where there’s a telltale difference in the way you feel. Do antidepressants (specifically Paroxetine) have a certain feeling when they’re active? Like will I be able to tell for sure it’s kicking in, or will I just feel “normal”?

Toxic parents and Depression

I quit my job in social work after being attacked by clients. Supervisor wasn’t supportive. Anyways, since then it’s been breakdown after breakdown. I was having SI and sought out support from my parents. They told me to not be selfish and then decided to tell all of my extended family how I was feeling. I am now being harassed by extended family wondering how I could be so selfish and that I should be grateful. I knew I should have not contacted my parents (alcoholics) but I needed someone to know how I was feeling.

Self Isolation/Drifting from family

I am 27M. I come from a single parent household. My parents never married and separated 6 months after I was born. They are still civil today. My father is an engineer. He married and had 4 additional children. My mom was a nurse and I was raised by her and my grandmother I did not have a bad childhood. It was nothing special but it was far from terrible. As I get older I feel myself drifting away from my family. I feel useless and direction-less. I have not spoke to my mother in days. I have not spoken to my uncle who also helped raise me. My grandmother is in her 80s, and is at the age where she needs to assistance & care. She suffers from dementia. She was also a major part in my upbringing. I have accomplished nothing in life yet I come from a good family. I dropped out of college. I work a retail job. I still live at home. I keep to myself, self isolate and try to avoid conversation with my aunts & cousin who also life with me, mom, grandma. Me and my dad did not have a relationship as I grew up. It is mostly my fault as it just felt weird as he tried to keep in contact in my youth. Fast forward to now and I reached out to him a few months ago but it still doesnt feel like we have a connection. I wish I had a relationship with him. It gets me emotional when I think about the fact that I have no father-son memories. I do not have any mother-son memories either I want to break out of my self isolation and connect with my family before its too late and they are all gone and I am alone in this world but I feel restrained. Maybe its anxiety but I dont know. I am a loser with nothing going on for himself I dont know why I cant change. I know what is wrong but I wont act on it. I am slowly trying to turn my financial and professional part of my life around but I feel as if that is not enough I also believe I am bi polar/suffer from bi polar depression but I am not diagnosed. I love my family but I keep to myself and I wish I didn’t I have been struggling with catastrophic thinking. Imagining a world where my mother is a old and I have accomplished nothing for her to be proud of. Suicidal ideation has also been on my mind but I do not believe I could ever go through with it Me and my mom got into an argument the other day and I said; “*Now I see why you and my dad never married*”. I said this because she was scolding me for going out with a friend the night before. I have not talked to her since then. I regret it but I also do not. I feel like shit regardless I know that this post is all over the place but it came from the heart and it was the best way I could lay it out

Why everyone else around me seems to be doing well in life except me

I have been struggling with these thoughts for years. Is it victim mentality or i don't know what but everyone i see looks happy and doing well in life. When I'm having a hard time i think that everyone is suffering they just don't show it but that might not be true. I tried to find out if people around me are faking it like i do but no seems to be actually having a hard time in life as much as i do. I tried to get involve in personal life of others just to find out if anyone is sad or depressed but no one seems to be having problems as much as i do. Is this thought irrational or reality?

I might just do it

Every day I grow less and less fearful of the inevitable void and as these feelings consume me its almost like the void is pulling me in. It seems to be a golden ticket to free myself of my pain that has followed in my shadow for the past 10 years. I'm young, I have a family who cares about me and a wonderful girlfriend it scares me I would never see them again. I took a year of uni, my routine is non-existent, I've done years of CBT, meds, counciling, diagnosis then I ended up with a record over something stupid because I couldn't move on from the past (tldr hacked my old high school a few years ago due to severe bullying from students and complete neglect from staff) and had plenty of other life changing charges put on myself because I am so clueless about reality and how the world works. I let other people use me, control me, abuse me. I am autistic, I am depressed, I have anxiety, I probably have fucking adhd, I can't concentrate, I don't have the will to live anymore. People say I have a bright future because of my musical and computer talents but it's not worth anything if I'll never get a job. The world is so fucking cruel and the fact that people can just get on with it, wake up every day and go outside every day.. I want to end it now. But my girlfriend will be home in a an hour or 2. I don't want her to find me. I want to die but I don't want anyone to care. I want everyone to forget about me. I could go on my bike and ride somewhere far away to a bridge or something but then, I still feel like I'll be missed.. at least for a little while. Mum, dad you've been nothing but supportive of the shitshow that is my life. I've been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years this year but lately I feel like she's just fed up with me and just chooses to be angry at me over the most stupid things. I'm done with the system. I'm done with "order". I'm done with "help". Nothing I will ever do will help me, nothing anyone will ever do will help me. I try to be helpful to everyone around me but it never feels like it's enough. I was destined to fail from the second I was born and when my sperm donor fucked off (who still sends me birthday cards ffs). Wish I could man up just do it. Want to know some special autistic trait I have? I can't communicate properly. I feel that my opinions, arguments and thoughts are completely invalid to everyone around me and are not even taken as a mere suggestion. No one can help me. I know where my relief is, but for some reason I still haven't taken the final step. Maybe I will today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month who knows. If you're considering replying to this post don't refer me to sammaritans or anything because I'm sick of explaining myself over and over again and I'll never get my message across because my brain is fucked. Fuck I don't even know why I'm posting here but here we are.

stuck since 10 years

I'm 24. Moved from south America to Germany 2011 but suffered here a lot since my parents just relied on social help and got depressed and a lot of things happened to me. I was forced by society here to learn the burocracy and achieved a great education but I was neglected at home event though I had always received love and cuddles I never ever had structure in my life. I feel since I'm 11 that I useless even if I learned 4 languages, had good grades, had ok friends but I never achieved but I wanted and I never learned to live my own life but to be a parent myself. My brother is suicidal and last years I did therapy detachment from my mother because I only had energy to try to raise her (unconsciously hoping she could help me as a mother some day). She's a beautiful soul full of empathy but always very passive and detached from reality (she had is horrible in life). Last year things in my life started getting better, we moved in the city and I stared having a more authentic life even if I still suffer a lot from depression and have weeks where I don't even get up and I still manage to have a scholarship and show my best side. I'm very competent and capable but since 4 years or even 4 I'm pretending to study. Just to feel like I'm doing something and I don't do shit since 3 years. Last year my mother got cancer (leucemia). She recovered, then she lost mobility in her legs, now she can't walk and all her life is in bed. She is emotional more strong than ever but last week she got leucemia in her spine and almost lost her speaking. That everytime hit me back to realitiy because I don't live there. I live in my own room, with my dog and everyday I wake up thinking of all the things I should do WHICH AREN'T EVEN MUCH. it's just that I have like a post trauma from all the stress I had to deal with in the past. I can't even brush my teeths or take care of my dog properly. I do everything in the last minute because I always feel like paralyzed but I counciously take the choice to be on the phone and kill my time while I hate myself in the inside. Yeah I learned to stop hating my self with words. I used to insult me all the time in my head. My depression was horrible all my life because I felt like suffering like dying and trying to get out of this limbo. This feeling of "awakening" it's something I only get in the night after wasting all day. I got fatter, started vaping and now the Most important person in my life is dying and not even that makes me move. I don't even cry anymore. I feel numb. I don't have specific thoughts about what exactly is stressing me and I never even have the strength to list my thoughts down because it's almost impossible. I have this problem of always wanting to have a specific structure whatever I'm doing which slows me down because I prefer doing nothing then doing things halfway. I just can't. I have a beautiful boyfriend but I feel ashamed of when he visits me and sees my mess sometimes and he didn't see the worst of it. I hate chaos but I live inside it and since 10 years I manage to create order perfectly but never make it last. I just don't want to wake up every morning. Doesn't matter how loud my dog barks or how urgent I must pee. I have days where my mother was in the hospital and I slept 17 hours straight then woke up walked my dog then ate and got tired again and napped for 2-4 hours. I take antidepressiva since 2021 and the only thing the helped me with is to stopped suffering and screaming inside my head every night. But now it's worse because I still feel anxious but now I don't even have these voices in the past that told me what we (I mean me i refer to me as we sometimes, because I feel like having 2 personas) are doing wrong or what we don't like. I even stop wishing to have a certain structure because I realized I can't force myself into something I don't really like or find the sense of it. Mostly because I never had to work but was always a prodigy child doing the bare minimum. Never in my life did I have the pleasure of experiencing fulfilling my potencial in any way. Now I have bad habits. I have no family here. It's just me and my mother. And I don't want to lose my boyfriend telling every night I'm sad. He's more pragmatic and manages to just force himself to work 12 hours in construction even if he slept 4 hours and also goes to the gym after.. I tried "listening" to my own body. But for it to happen I need to be completely isolated from food, phone, anything distracting. Mostly I just sleep then. At some point I start writing and I feel connected to myself again and it feels so good. I plan but next day I can't do anything of what I wanted to because I just feel like having no life energy. I have a nice life, hard because of my beloved mother but I have everything I need. But I don't know the feeling of gratitude and I was very poor in the past and also very rich as a kid. I know both worlds and have this big ego, feeling smarter, better etc then I see that's nonsense because it's just in my head but not in my actions. I don't know why I always have energy to help and console others. But when people ask my why I'm sad I just don't even start with that generic chat "oh poor girl. Don't pressure too much. U doing good" I have not a person that would be there for me 100% like I wished. And it's OK. I learned also that we all have a different way to show our love.. But I can't anymore. I don't want to give up but I just feel like it's impossible for me to have a real purpose and follow it. Doesn't matter how important it can be. When my mother was almost dying last week I promised my self to do my best to enjoy life with her And here I am. My apartment is disgusting and she's doing chemio. I only walked my dog once today. My room a mess. I have 0 idea what's going on in my university. My volunteers are neglected by the president (me), I don't eat well, I vape all day, spent sometimes 12 hours on tiktok, I am all day laying in my room in my bed "trying to rest to have energy to do things better later" and the day is over again. I will be gone next week working for 4 days and I still didn't find someone to take care of my very difficult German Sheperd. She only behaves with me. It's impossible even for my boyfriend to walk her. My scholarship ends this September, I'll have to work and I'm not terrified or anything. No. I know it will make me more mature. I feel stuck. I am actually very very pretty and charismatic. People NEVER believe me how sick I am till they see my house and they can't understand how I can't pick my plate and just wash it off instead of accumulating. I was also diagnosed with adhd. I wish I had someone elder to give me structure. To feel protected and feel like I can just heal but I have so much depending on me. And I love being leader and I love when pretending to be ok as a president I show how much I can manage like events etc (even if my apartment is a mess at least there I feel like achieving something) but it's not me 100 % Wish I could just ignore my lazy thinking, my excuses, my horrible mood and depression and do what has to be done. But I don't even really know what has to be done when all sectors in my life are neglected and accumulated. And I know I'll manage to get my shut temporarily together till it happens again. I don't know what to do.

I don’t even know anymore.

My energy is completely gone and I feel like I’m dying on the inside. The things that used to make me happy and bring me joy just makes me feel empty; even talking to my friends makes me feel empty. I don’t even have the desire to want to eat anymore (I’m surprise I can even still function properly at work) I barely sleep and that’s causing me to feel sick. Every time I hear the birds chirp and the sun rise in the morning it makes me sad and I just want to sleep until it’s dark outside. The thought of suicide crosses my mind every day now although I don’t think I’d actually try commit it but at the same time if something happens I probably wouldn’t try to stop it. I guess that’s the same as doing it isn’t it? I haven’t done it because I know there are people out there who would probably miss me. I’m just really tired and just be able to smile and feel happy again…

What should I do next?

I've been dealing with depression and anxiety my whole life, but a few years ago, due to a health issue and lockdown it got so much worse. Ever since I started college I've been dealing with so much shit (health wise and other matters) but until that point (2020) I was able to manage, after that health complication that made me fail and quit the same class for a few semesters in a row due to a chronic pain. I haven't feel the same. I took the second semester of last year and had surgery and recovery and now I'm pain free but I still feel like I've lost all my energy, almost a year free from pain but I still feel like every small thing requires so much and I'm lucky if I'm capable to do more than a few tasks each day, I'm not talking about physical energy, I'm talking about mental energy. I tried therapy and a variety of antidepressants for the last year and a half and nothing seems to work, suicide thoughts and anxiety episodes have been intermittent every few months, specially during finals and get me even more useless, the anxiety paralyze me and I can't do shit. I don't feel I have enough energy to keep going, I just want to have the energy I had before. I should be graduated by now but I feel like I don't have the energy to do the last bit I have left.

Depressed about moving back home

I've spent my summer so far feeling extremely down and depressed. I recently graduated and had to move back home due to the fact that I had no money (in fact, I'm in debt) and no job. I managed to get a job that pays $25 an hour, however, with the high rent prices I don't think I'll ever be able to move out on my own. So, until who knows when, I'm stuck sleeping and living in my mother's living room. I feel like utter dhit and I try not to think about it, but sometimes it gets to be overwhelming and I start to cry and think about how shifty these times are. I just wish it weren't so hard to get started in life.

Stuck!!

I feel I am totally stuck. Nothing makes me feel good. I work all day to keep myself busy but as soon as I wrap up work I am clueless. I get breathing issues ( probably anxiety) . I scroll endlessly on the phone. I have hard time falling asleep. I just don't want to feel like this any more

I feel empty and find no point anymore.

I feel bored all the time no sadness nor happiness almost numb, my mind is so blank it feels like I'm not even real at times and I find my life pointless. All I do is sleep and try to distract myself from reality desperately searching for something to distract me something to interest me only to become bored and daydream trying anything to get away from my reality except I find myself so tired mentally and physically like I have no willpower or drive anymore to try and help myself and all I feel I would get if I confided in this is being sent to a mental hospital because of my previous attempt once before. I genuinely don't see any positive way out of this cause all I feel like I will do is go back to this desperate attempt to escape reality. I find more enjoyment in my life unconscious and dreaming because when I dream I atleast can escape this empty feeling that has taken over my whole life. I don't know what to do anymore and all I hope for is to die in my sleep or get something terminal like cancer that would off me.

I am miserable

I'm looking for the easiest way to isolate myself from society forever. Wherever I go I feel like I'm a parasite. I live nearby my aunt, she always offers me food cus I don't make my own, so sometimes I'd rather stay hungry. I have to lie, pretend I ate already, but sometimes I can't help but accept it. And it hurts in my soul that till nowadays I am not capable of taking care of myself, everybody sees me like a kid and I'll always be one... I have no social skills and no skills at all, I have almost nothing to offer, and no courage to provide what I have, since I'm too insecure even to say "thank you"... I'm a worm, just a miserable being, there's almost no life inside of me anymore...

Every day I feel completely alone

Even among people, I do not feel needed and heard. I've been overthinking for as long as I can remember. Every time I try to improve my health in a medical way or with the help of a psychologist, everything goes downhill, as if I was not destined to be happy. Maybe I look at things only from the negative side, but it seems that there is no other way. I don't know how to deal with all this. Anxiety devours me from the inside, as if shaking behind me and watching every action. After depression and pills, I became like pathetic inanimate creature. I feel absolutely hopeless.

My wasted life…

Father passed a few months back and I moved back to help and get everything in order. I’ve always been alone and on my own. Lack of relationships and true friendships. Things are tidying up now and I’m completely lost on what my next steps are. I lack direction and am feeling lonely and stuck. I’ve been good with money during my life and received an inheritance so I don’t have to be stressed financially. I have gone out to look at condo purchases and rentals. Nothing seems enticing and my wheels are spinning. I really don’t know what to do next with my life. I moved back to stay at my folks place and here I still am. There’s only one life and I’m wasting it…. It sucks.

Story ( ig )

Hello I want to tell you about my story about my life, I am very young for my age to be on here but I just feel like I needed to tell my story I've been in so much drama I've been in religion trauma homophobia, trauma, transphobia trauma, and child abuse, a first started it when I was young and I had to go to this church this church was a Colt and basically we had to do basically anything that is colt related, we had to give so much attention to this one church that people would start to fall asleep because of lack of sleep lost because he had to go to this church, sometimes I see younger people have baggy eyes or anything like that, you can feel the depression inthere, and this church named was "La Luz del Mundo ", it had a lot of bad stuff it had a child r!pist, and let's start with my another trauma; homophobia this is, the first time that I realized that my parents do not support me in fact they started to say that the internet in people because I was having those " thoughts " I originally had a book that has two gay people I love the book I used to want to read it but my mom had to take it away and tell me that I shouldn't see this and if I see this or read it I will get messed up in the brain, when I was a little bit younger and a little bit older, I usedto remember that I like girls I like my same, gender, ( i am female) ( i am now definition as A Male ) ftmlike them I love them I found out that I was lesbian/Gay and I finally told my parents and all they did was smack me and say that's we're going to church that awful Church and pray.Child abuse ; when I was younger I used to always hear arguing slapping in a lot more and crying every time I was only a small child back then, this was harsh for a child like me back then I always try to not get in trouble by my father my father does not love my mother I never saw him give her anything or give her love I do not understand why my father married my mother even though they don't love each other I am still trying to figure out why but we'll just get on to the story My Father is very large man he always be mad at the most simplest things, sometimes if I don't go to church and pray to (child r!pist) I will get smacked by and so much more I will get dragged by and forced into the car and they let only let my order brother to stay at home, I do not know why the reason why they let my brother my older brother toTransphobia trauma; so this all started when I was a little bit young but who cares I always feel like I didn't want to be in this body I feel like that I wanted to be like a boy I'm going to do express myself I wanted to cut my hair and finally but finally turn myself into a boy I wanted to do that I've been having breakdowns and breakdowns because I wanted to be a boy I would start to dream myself as a boy I used to want to tell my mother but it seems like her mother didn't want to my mother is not supportive and my father is not supportive I had a in my school and I would start to say random words until I said I want to be a boy and mine mother would start to cry because she said " " this is not my daughter this is not child " " in Spanish.stay at home. I had a lotdon't know why but I cannot get a therapist or anyone so I can talk to this but I only have social media that's all I have my parents won't let me have therapy because apparently it's too useless for me even though I had a lot of trauma at a young age that I shouldn't have drama, well social media is very confronting it's pretty much that you can talk to anyone and discuss your trauma and whatever, so bye my friend thanks for reading all my stuff, ( tell me if my family and mother and father was a dick head or not ) :).

Not being attached to living

Right now I am 17 and it's been like this for like 5-6 years and I did try to find some attachment but I wasn't able to in the past right now I am just living since I don't have to take responsibility or smth but I don't feel like living when I become an adult and have responsibilities. For example everyone around my age are preparing for the university exam, but me? Nah I am just chilling. I will probably suffer in the future if I decide to live. But like I don't want to live as an adult, it seems I dunno hard. Not something I could deal with. Since I knew myself I was always lazy and not attached to life much. Not believing also does not help since around me many people believe and they have great lives but since I don't I can't have a reason to live like (not that I try to find a reason at the moment) I just wanted to rant here you can try to give me some advices though I doubt my mindset would take those advices anyway maybe if I can live my life as an unemployed person (like those dudes in their parents basement) then I think I could find living bearable at least (we do have a basement as well). Other than that it's just if I can't then I'll just take my own life or smth, at least I plan to since I can't know until the moment comes (or it won't and I will just suffer, maybe regret my decisions or not I dunno don't care since I just live in the moment) Thanks for listening to my rant dear stranger

I don't know if I'm suicidal or in a toxic relationship.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I feel like it's too many to live with. Nothing ever really made me happy. Growing up all I remember is that when I got excited about something I was going yelled at. Told to sit down and be quiet, etc. I've been in a toxic marriage for a long time. I thought it was better for my daughters to stay and at least provide the best I could but I don't know. Right now my wife is drunk texting me and laying everything on me. It makes me want to die. I can't get away. Nowhere to go. When I tell her she pushes me do much I want to kill myself she says good. She tracks every move I make. I can't even go to a therapist unless hide it from her. I don't think they would help. I've just tried to be a good father and it kills me the most that they couldn't gave had better than me. Times like now if there was a button in front of me to end it I might have the strength to push it.

Still feeling so fucked. I wanna go away but

Sup guys, 18yo British dude here, ya can probz see by my post history and this post I suffer from pretty fkin bad depression and anxiety. Recently I decided that shit won't really change itself, I decided that I'd picture the life that I want to live and try to emulate that to the best of my ability. It is centered around focuses that made me feel fulfilled, gym, boxing, MMA, going out with friends (it's been many eons), etc. I'm surprised and grateful to God that I don't feel the utter dumpster fire way I used to, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I'm still depressed, it's just marginally better but trust me, you can feel it. I really think it's goals yakno, and I like to visualise depression as this thing that you kinda have regardless of anything, but you can definitely do certain things, actions, routines, etc to mitigate the ill effects it has on your psyche, etc - sometimes even to the point of it feeling like you don't have it anymore. OFCOURSE this is tough to understand, but it works, even marginally, and if you are here then you are likely depressed, affix yourself to a goal, a focus, this is purely to mitigate those effects. I'm not tryna be that guy, but this might all be a cope, but it does work, even marginally, I am writing this to give myself hope to be honest, I feel so fucked rn, y'all get it I'm sure - feels like I can't breathe and I wanna cry but can't, we must soldier on and stay strong. Deep breaths in my friends, you have control. I love you, truly.

i dont know

my brain can think anymore lol it’s just empty and numb nothing goes through my head idk tho lmao

I feel numb

I finally started feeling happy again after an abusive relationship I had months ago. I thought I was ready to start dating again and went out with a girl. We clicked but it didn’t work out. She felt like someone who I could be happy with but there were deal breakers for me. It feels good to know I’m setting boundaries and staying true to them, but it still sucks. I’m not really happy or sad about it, I just feel nothing, but it isn’t relaxed, I feel tense, even with family I just feel nothing, and my friends can’t even help it this time. Idk what to do

I feel fundamentally flawed

For my whole life things have gone wrong for me. I’ve defaulted to either blaming myself or thinking I am just inherently cursed. I’m not sure how to cope anymore, how am I supposed to move forward when I’m still me? When I’m still this cursed person? If I’m still me, everything will go wrong no matter what I do. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do differently, I’ve tried everything.

Pretty sure I'll die alone

I'm 27 and I've never been in love or in a relationship. I'm still a virgin. Idk why I can't connect with anyone Idk what to do. How to talk to people. I don't see it changing. Idk who'd even want me. Idk.

I can't do this anymore

I'm only 14. But I can't do this. I have a relationship with a really cute girl who I don't think gives a fuck about me but I can't find anyone else. Nobody likes me for me. I can't even believe she accepted dating me in the first place. I'm genuinely a loser and look fucking ugly. I tried to tell her I felt sad the other day. She can't take it serious. She said she fucking laughed. I eat like shit, I don't sleep and I long for someone who will like me for me. My environment is a toxic emalgomation of idiocy and unkindness with no regard for feelings or love. Its one onto the next onto the next. I feel like I'm just another domino in the chain of other dominos and when I finally fall it'll move onto the next one. Unintelligence and a lack of healthy relationships is my environment and I'm just another insignificant speck in the grandiose blueprint of this fucking abominable society. I can't keep up good habits. This is not a matter of self love or self care anymore. There is genuinely, no point. I won't feel proud of myself if I gain some more muscle anymore. I will just feel like I'm giving myself a massive fuck you by trying to improve my physical appearance instead of feeling happy that someone likes me for me. I long for a good aura around me. A supportive aura. One that can only be fulfilled by a partner. People will say that I should act more like a child as I am still young. But to that I say that every other person does not act like they should. I cannot be the odd one out. I don't really want to be the odd one out anymore to be honest, I don't want to act like a child. I seem to think that I have developed a level of maturity that can no longer be weaned by playing tag or going on bike rides. Fun isn't fun because nothing can distract me from the insurmountable pain I face EVERY FUCKING DAY from being a complete and total loser in a society structured in a way where the idiots are the winners. I don't ever want to come across as cocky. That isn't me. But I'm not a bunch of other things. I still put on a fake persona for them.

1st vacation in decades, am I making a mistake?

A series of medical and emotional "situations" has me feeling very low. I had a medical emergency that landed me in the hospital for a couple days. My therapist had a medical emergency and I haven't seen him in months. My parent's (both deceased) home burned down...the only home I knew before I moved out. My siblings and I lost about $100k because of squatters starting that fire. All this has left me alternating between numb and toddler-like cranky. Home life is just a waiting game until it's work time again. Maybe a getaway will help? I've booked 5 days at a local-ish (3 hours away) resort. I've looked at activities in the area and found a few but I'm worried I'll just get there and camp in my room. The last non-staycation I had was in the 90s. A week in Cancun. While I did a few touristy things down there, I also spent more time than I should have at a local mall or reading in my room (pre-internet world). Yes, I was alone in Cancun. Yes, I'll be alone this time too. Am I making a mistake?

Parents

I was honestly really happy for a while ya know, it had been a bit since I posted but alas I’m back. It feels a bit heartless to complain really, they aren’t abusive, never have been but my parents just make me so miserable sometimes, like yeah I’m a teen I’m sure I’m a pain in the ass but it can’t be my fault all the time? Like my dad just makes me feel like he’s disappointed in me all the time. My mother whilst caring ultimately disregards me when I try to approach her about me having some more serious health problems. I know they love me but sometimes I’m just so miserable. But I can’t complain, most people would be lucky to have both parents together and some people come from really bad homes, as a result it just feels like I should deal with my issues myself, I already bother others too much with my problems so I gotta learn to live with them. Thank you for reading.

How did I get here ?

I have this urge to remain silent I don't want to say anything my lips feel heavy I can't really force them to move I wish my entourage was as silent as me I need a moment to understand all that happened I've been so sad and living kept getting harder I'm supposed to fight , to bare to try constantly and I survived a lot miracles happened and God answered my prayers life though, kept on fighting me putting me through harder tasks , I've lost precious things I worked hard for I'm starting to feel numb though slowly I wanted some peace because everything was loud and fast and I was getting tired of it at some point I lost myself through anger I was so mad and lost my mind then worse things kept happening to me instead of learning and growing stronger why am I feeling more naive, I lose my confidence every day and now I'm silent I don't want to talk or move I don't want people to see me I just want to stay silent

My life is a mess and I have to vent

And being a mom makes me feel like shit. I can’t provide anything but the bare minimum basics for my kids when they deserve everything. I am trying so hard to find a job, go back to school (stay at home mom for 16 yr no work history doesn’t make it easy to be hired) but it is going no where. I have nothing to show for my life. No job, no money, no home. Just a shit show mess. My poor kids…I wish I could give them more. I think back on my childhood and it’s sooo good. My kids are going to think what a shitty time that was because we have nothing. I just want this to change and I’m stuck. So yay, depression day for me 😩

i have no will for anything

my brain is not motivated to do anything at all i feel awful i don’t care for things anymore i can’t even act happy

Safe Mode w/o Networking 1st time in 10 years

Idk why I am posting here. I don't have a question and I don't know anyone here. I don't know what I need from this post. It has veen about ten years since this last happened to me. I can't seem to do anything beyond a very strict autopilot. As if I shut down and had to reboot in Safe Mode but without Networking (social interaction). Everything I do is like opening the command prompt and running some basic code. Like a checklist. This hasn't happened in a very long time. I take meds and have a very good therapist. The other day I fought with my spouse and now I am here. Idk if I want support or help, I just feel like I should tell someone and this is the most I can manage. Thank you.

I don't think I fit in anywhere

I want to be a part of things socially, but I end up feeling like I don't really fit in. Its hard to know really, but I feel self-conscious a lot. anyone relate? edit: I'm taking a break

I don’t think I should be alive

I’ve made so many mistakes I hate who I am I hate how I look I hate that I was even born. I hate that I’m such a coward I wish I had the courage to kill myself. Im a worthless coward I want to die I hate waking up everyday.

I can’t get deeply sleep; how long does this last?

I had a traumatic experience happen to me. Currently I am dealing with depression and anxiety. I have been working out vigorously a few times a week, and this has helped tremendously. But I am still not getting peaceful, deep sleep. Typically what happens is that I am exhausted, go to bed at 10:30pm, wake up every two hours or so, 12:30, 2:30, 4:30, 6:30. This has been ongoing for two months now. When will it stop?

Vent space

Free vent in the comments-judgement free

I think I forgot how to be happy

I just looked back and realized that I've been depressed and having anxiety for four and a half years, and having OCD for four years. Wow time flies by fast. ​ Depression just feels like an endless pit that keeps sucking you in. Before you know it, you have no way to escape. There was one time a year ago when I felt joy for an instant and remembered what it was like to be happy, but the feeling quickly disappeared. Now, I'm just continuously blanketed with a curtain of despair. Two years ago, I reached that point where once I cry, I can't stop crying, until I have no idea what I'm even crying about. I'm pretty sure that's not normal, but it's become the norm for me at this point. I also found pictures of myself when I was a kid. Seeing younger me with a genuine expression of pure happiness just shocked me. I can't smile now without it looking fake. Probably because I've lost my happiness. I really wish I can feel happy again.

My most recent episode

This is a long one, but it felt important to get it out into the world: In an effort to always be transparent, and with hope that maybe just maybe my own experiences could help someone else that has lost their way and cannot seem to see a glimmer of light at the end of the dark tunnel that is a depressive/anxiety riddled episode, I wanted to share my recent experience. First of all, it is ok to not be ok. It is important to say this because when all you see and feel is dark, it is natural to try and find the why's, to question the process, and feel the need to find an excuse to explain why you feel the way you do. The truth is there is not always an answer. Much like grief, some things must be felt, like really thoroughly, completely felt, and while this may not be fair, not much in life is. But in the end, just as it is ok to be happy, and angry, it is ok to be sad, to not be ok. I've felt a bit "off" (extra anxious, irritable, tired etc.) for a couple of months now, this isn't terribly abnormal for me as it is no secret my mental health has a tendency to waver from time to time (that's what my meds are for). This time however it never quite shook off like it normally would, instead it was more like a one way train headed for a long journey through a dark tunnel and I was the only passenger. Mind you as this train plugged along I was completely unaware of where I was headed, l was also oblivious to the fact that I was alone. It wasn't until about halfway through the tunnel that I caught on to what was going on and by then I'd already lost touch with reality. It is crazy to think that you can be experiencing something so full of emotion and feeling and not realize where you are, but in truth that is exactly how it happened. My "train ride" started months ago but really came to a head in the last two weeks, those two weeks have been dark, lonely, and all consuming. I don't know that I have asked so many why's or shed so many tears since my mom died. I'm not entirely sure where this came from nor where it is going but I do know that something like this isn't simply something you can shake off or snap out of. I've spent almost two weeks now trying to work through this, so much so that I've made myself physically ill from what I can only imagine is a symptom of brain fatigue and lack of nutrition. My trichotillomania has hit a new low and I've felt like a wet sponge. I tried finding help, finding someone to talk to but it turns out there are a lot of others struggling too as it isn't possible to get in to see anyone until October at the earliest, talk about feeling defeated. I remembered a work friend mentioning a program that our work place offers free of charge for situations just like this, so I picked up my last bit of perseverance and called, and it turns out even when it seems there isn't help there is. I am not better, I still cry if the wind blows just the right way, but for today, for the first time in a long time I see a glimmer of light, call it hope or whatever you want. Fact of the matter is mental health is so damn hard, defeating, and lonely. It is so hard to find the strength to seek help sometimes (especially when met with rejection and delay), but it is also important to remember that sometimes progress comes by the minute and not the hour, day, or month. If you can make it through just one single solitary minute sometimes it is the next one that brings hope and maybe even just a smidgen of strength that is enough to pull through. It is ok to cry, it is ok to feel, it is ok to let go of those forces that like holding on to a rope too tight just cause you harm. And most importantly it is OK to NOT be ok.

I’m so tired of people telling me to “think happy” and “be positive”

People always tell me “one day I wake up and I’m super depressed, I go about my daily business. The next day I wake up and I’m happy, I go about my regular business, the next day I’m in between and I do the same thing.” And to “just think happy and snap out of it” or “life is hard. Why can’t people just accept that” I find people nowadays often mix up regular human sadness, or deep sadness, with depression. They think that we can all just snap out of it with the flick of our fingers. I had somebody tell me today “Life is hard, why can’t people accept that? Once you know that then the work becomes easier “ and “I wake up on Monday depressed and I go to work. I wake up Tuesday happy and I go to work. I wake up Wednesday and im in the middle and I go to work, why care about your emotions, don’t let them affect you, I experience depression and I go about my life, I don’t let it affect me” Idk. Maybe I’m crazy, but it’s not that easy. I know nothing in life comes easy. I know everyone experiences sadness. These people don’t get it. They don’t understand, they tell me to just surrender. Man I try and I try and I try. They call me lazy, and claim when they’re depressed they just stop being lazy. Like depression is a switch you can turn on and off. I study psychology for school, I’ve done a lot of research on my own time and from my understanding and everything I’ve learned, you can’t just turn off your depression like you can turn off your tv with a remote. They tell me “just eat” or “cmon just get out of bed, you’ll be happy if you get outside” and then roll their eyes at me when I either go out and find absolutely no enjoyment in it, or I straight up tell them nothing makes me happy right now. I feel as though so many people confuse a normal human emotion, one that’s a lot easier to mend, with depression. I tell them I have major depressive disorder, same thing. I journal, I have a lot of plants I love tending to, my cat who brings me a sense of peace, I try to go to yoga, I try to hike, I TRY. I can’t escape the feeling of hopelessness. Despair. Guilt. Doom. I try. What? Do they think I want to feel like this? For weeks or months at a time? That I want to lose my appetite for my favourite foods, to be a very clean person to having my dishes stack up? Watching my plants die? To lose my friends because of my lack of response to them? To them it doesn’t seem like I try, but I feel weak. I put all the energy I can into trying to be happy. I just don’t get it. Yes, depression IS on the rise. Mental health problems have become more prominent, I personally believe social media plays a huge role in it…. But I feel as though so many people confuse normal, real, and regular human sadness that people experience with depression. I know it’s different for everyone and I have days where I feel happier than others but never “I was depressed for a couple hours but now let’s go party “ “I woke up depressed but I cried for 15 min and now I’m super happy”. People don’t understand, and it’s different for everyone, but people confuse sadness and depression, and then ridicule me because I can’t just “snap out of it”.

Life took a downward spiral. Started at 17 than further and further into wpression I went.

As a teen I delt with confidence issues physically and mentally, hit this super bad case of anxiety and depression by the time I was 20. Took a simple ssri and it really did help ALOT. I couldn't believe it took away so many years of depression. Unfortunately when I unred 29 it stopped working, or I developed some worsening issue I can't touch sugar, breads, artifical flavors or even pop etc my system is so sensitive that if I don't follow a strict diet I get tremors and these crazy panic attacks that last for a day or 2.its been down hill for many years now. Fines, got a dui, arguing and now I'm depressed anxious amd there's an agitation part which I've never really had that last part but sometimes I'll fly off the handle verbally and I've been kicked out of stores over an rguemwnt with the cashier.. nothing criminal but meh I guess I'm a bitter old man now at age 38.... haven't been able to work for 14 years because of health issues some physical but mostly mental ith the depression. I kid you not I've tried ALOT were talking 2000 dollars in various suppliments to 14 different medications.... I've tried all this over he past 7 years and here I am stuck don't lave my house, no interests, I'm unemplyable I have a bad attitude but I can't just snap out of this. Lost family members and one currently I care alot about is sick and I'm worried. Seems like tht magical treatment won't happen for me unless any of you had a imilar story and got out of the dark tunnel yourself? I'd rather ask reddit because I've tried about 12 different doctors and nothing..... what a terrible time and place som of us are in... if you ask 14 year if I would end up this way I wouldn't even hink it was possible I didn't even know the definition of depression back than.

Hello all

Hey all. It's been a bit. I've been a bit since I've posted here, around 2017-ish. I've been visiting on and off occasionally. I went through a traumatic experience when I was stationed overseas but I want to say I've since "recovered". Some things were never the same and in some ways I was better, but the depression never left and I've been walking this fine line of just being "okay" ever since. I used to see a therapist and it helped but I sorta plateaued. Recently I changed job positions, from one I absolutely loved to one that I hate. I've lost faith in people around me and I don't know what else to do and I'm afraid it could lead to even worse thoughts. Just wanted some place to put these thoughts. I don't really have anyone else.

How do I cultivate morning motivation?

Lately I'd say my depression has been getting better, but there's one area I really struggle with. At least a couple times a week, I wake up, and my first thought is something along the lines of "who gives a fuck". Why should I bother going to work? Why should I bother doing anything that I would prefer not to do? Life is short. Am I really going to waste it by spending all day working? Laying in bed all day doing nothing feels like a better use of my time, and I struggle to shake off this feeling. The only solution I've found is to immediately slam some highly caffeinated beverage the second I open my eyes, and wait for the surge of energy to get me moving. Anyone got any tips for how to motivate yourself to do the things you need to do first thing when you wake up?

Shame

Does anyone else feel like if they wanted to, they could be productive and not depressed, but they’re too scared to leave? Maybe I could get back to my normal life, but I feel more comfortable in solitude. I feel like I’m letting someone down by not doing better, doing more, with my life, but it’s just too much.

my mom doesn't understand

As from the title unfortunately I say that my mom doesn't understand what I'm getting into. She calls me selfish and tells me it's been a long time and I'm not really depressed. Then I lost my dad and says I should react for her but I can't I would but I can't do it, it's not up to me.

Finally I’m out

Dear Everyone, I tried. I honestly tried. I tried so hard. I am too tired for all of these roadblocks. I know it seems stupid to commit suicide over college, but you have to understand that was my goal. I painted a picture in my mind, I told myself the idea that if you want to be successful you must have an education. This idea ruined my self worth, confidence, and life. Why do I have to work so hard? Why am I always late? Why couldn’t I have been born in a privileged family? I want to go back in time. I regret everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. Nothing matters. And I am not gonna say sorry for dying thing because you’ll be fine I guess. I am not an affectionate person either but I will say thank you to my mom and step dad for giving me food and shelter. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not worth it. Sorry

I'm falling apart at the seems

I'm actually crying right now. No matter how much love I know I have or how many others I see struggling like me, I still feel alone and empty. It hurts so much to be alive but it's still so scary to die

Vent: I just wish I was normal.

I mean, cmon, I cant even go to the gym in the fear that someone from my school will be there and make fun of me. I keep saying I will wake up early and go to the gym to avoid this, but when I set my alarm clock for 9am, I turn it off and fall back asleep, and I wake up at 2PM!!!! That makes me mad. Not to mention that I cant even make friends any more because the slightest slight will send me spiraling, and me blocking them. I get it, im a POS for that but I just wish I was normal.

As soon as the holidays come I get depressed

The school holidays just started last week in Uk, and since then I just have felt so damn hopeless and lonely. I’m 17, all my ‘friends’ are out and about enjoying the holidays, but I’m stuck inside with no one but my family to talk to, feeling lonely and resenting everyone else having a good time. At least during school time I am forced to be in social interactions, and I enjoy that perfectly fine and I’m not exactly obnoxious to be around, but as soon as the holiday hits I just feel so alone again. I’m just dreading the next 7-8 weeks of being lonely, and my parents and brother being concerned about just how pathetic and boring my existence is. How do I possibly get through this summer without feeling a constant dull sense of dread inside of me.

Every family has a person who breaks the chain of poverty. May you'll be that person

Here is one of my biggest learnings from this year: success is not limited to a chosen few. It is within reach for anyone willing to work hard and persevere. Being determined to overcome challenges does not mean you have to do it alone. Surround yourself with a supportive network of mentors, friends, and colleagues who believe in your potential. **- Embrace a growth mindset: Continuously seek opportunities for learning and improvement.** **- Cultivate resilience: Embrace challenges as valuable learning experiences.** **- Build a strong professional network: Your network is your net worth.** **- Seek mentors: Surround yourself with mentors who have achieved what you aspire to accomplish.** Believe in yourself, invest in your growth, and never stop striving for a better future. Together, we can rewrite the narrative and inspire others to do the same.

Walled In

I don't want to let anyone get close again. I don't want to feel like someone needs me ever again. Every time I've thought someone needed me they've been all too happy to show me how wrong I was. I just want to shut down and stay in this little emotional prison I've built for myself but it seems like anyone who I spend more than a week or two around seems to find a cell key just so they can slam the door on my fingers as I try to leave the box.

I feel worthless

I do nothing. No matter how bad I want to try and better myself my body goes straight to playing games and watching stuff. I feel worthless and useless and I don’t know what to do. I failed the school year because of this and now I’m close to failing summer-school. I would’ve offed myself by now but I don’t have a good method. I seriously don’t know what to do anymore.

As a token depressed and flaky friend, how do I work through the cognitive dissonance of having a depressed and flaky friendcrush?

I’m having such a hard time differentiating between this person making excuses to not hang out with me because they don’t enjoy my company and them just actually having a rough go of it. It’s like… robbing me of the ability to courteously save face and dip out if they don’t want me around. Part of me wants to say “look man, if you really just want me to go away just say it and I’ll go away, but otherwise I’ve been there and I get what you’re going through and I’m here for you”. Worse still, having been in *their* shoes for most of my life, I have this gut wrenching combination of compassion and empathy and anxiety and being hurt every time they flake that I just don’t know how to resolve. I’d feel like a dick if I ghosted, but I also don’t really know what else to do. And the fact that I continue to have unrelated friends that *I* haven’t replied to in weeks makes it all that much more morally complicated. Ugh.

Nothing horrifies me more than the passage of time

I can't explain how much time horrifies me. I feel so trapped knowing that I only have a limited amount of time in order to accomplish everything I want to do and knowing the amount of things I won't see because of how short our time here is. Before I know it, it'll be the future and I'll have even less time to get the shit done I want to do. doing as much as looking at the date fills me with dread. How the fuck are we over halfway through 2023? It feels like 2017 was a few months ago. The scariest thing about time is that its permanent. It's unrelenting and stops for nothing. We all "waste time" or try to do things to speed up time while we wait for something else to happen, but we will never get wasted time back. It's so fucking horrifying. I'm so overwhelmed by the prospect that I can never truly put life on pause. It's like driving while exhausted with no stops and nowhere to pull over to catch my breath. The only way to stop is to reach the end or strand myself trying. It's fucking horrifying. I've spent so much time lonely, and I wonder how much more time I'll spend lonely. I've lived one day at a time for years now and I wonder when I'll stop. I've spent years waiting to live life on my own terms and I wonder if I ever will.

idk anymore

hi. lately i have been feeling suicidal and i really want to end my life but i know that this time will pass too but i don't have the power to keep it going. my cat died a month ago. he was only 6 months old and he didn't even die from any infection, he jumped off my window although he never does so, he just sits there and enjoys the wind and comes back. This happened when i was at the gym in the morning and my family members were asleep. He even slept there for nights and i used to find him asleep there in the morning. It was already this hard then this happened. I don't feel like eating, going outside, talking to anyone. This is the lowest point of my life, I don't have anyone. Even people who thought were my bestfriends just don't care about me. Every single day i wake up and i apologise to him that i wasn't able to save him and hope that he rests in peace. Every single night it gets worse. As i am writing this down i want to cry so much as of how bad my life is rn.

It hurts so bad …

Today was an especially rough one. My addiction and depression has worn me down so far & causes me immense anguish. I hurt so bad mentally. I cried a river of tears of guilt, regret, shame, and sorrow today. I literally created this Reddit account under an hour ago—because the weight of my pain is so intense, that I needed somewhere to turn to—I wish I had more of a point, or could be more useful to others. I need healing so bad. It’s so hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I will try. If you share these feelings—please know that you are not alone.

I'm a spineless failure. I have no talents and am useless as hell. I am a burden to my parents and am just useless baggage for them to carry. I wasted my own life, and am lazy as hell with mental disorders like schizophrenia,ocd. No job, a loser,and shy as hell. I cannot communicate with anyone.

All my life I have been weak,vulnerable and wasted my life stuck in my own head with ocd thoughts, and having music ocd alongside with having a bad temper and losing it whenever I get pressured too much. I'm an emotional person who deals with harassing people daily and am a weak coward who cannot even commit suicide. I think God just hates me at this point and I deal with body pains,anger issues and am fat ugly unattractive. I am in my twenties and am still jobless with everyone in my life succeeding where I fail. It's all my fault for not being able to hold up a job anywhere and I cannot communicate with anyone since I have social issues and cannot work for even a few hours without body pains,headaches and I just suck overall. I just don't feel like I fit in in this world. I just feel dead and empty.

I can't take this anymore

My whole life is already bad today is the big day with I have to perform for a musical but I don't feel like it anymore since my best friend texted me saying "They’re taking away my electronics, moving my room and giving me heavy sleeping pills for 3 days so I sleep all day :/" I'm crying so much rn my mascara is all over my face my face is all glitterly from all the makeup I think I'm just gonna stay home and prolly end my life I don't want to live anymore anyways what's the point even of living? There are only ppl trying to make my cry and kill myself "oh look she has blood lines on her body 😂" it fucking sucks to even live I don't know if I'm going to even make it by the end of this year :/

it's getting worse.

for the past three days, i have been waking up with no energy at all. it happened before, but never this bad. yesterday i had no appetite. today i don't either, and im nauseous. i have been crying every day for no aparent reason. i feel like absolute crap. im on winter break (south america), and going back to school on monday. don't know what to do anymore.

Regrets of life…

Regrets of bringing children into this world. I’m so scared they’re going to endure what I went through but at the same time struggle to give them my all. Regrets of staying with my wife and worsening her life with my struggles. She insists I’m not a burden but the occasional resentment tells me all. I know I cause her deep pain. Regrets of failed friendships and relationships due to my lack of ambition and selfishness. I don’t talk to my immediate family at all, nor do they…. I have no hatred for them but I don’t see a reason to communicate. I have no friends but my wife. Regrets of not living up to my full potential. My mind can understand complexities of electrical theory and mechanics but I fail to retain and remember. I constantly struggle to remember even the basics most days. Regrets of losing my career. It taught me and forced me to do many things thru trials and tribulations but at the end it amounted to not much at all. Depression and anxiety won in the end. I wish I never made it this far in life, I thought things would be better… I thought I’d be better. I should have stopped it before I met my wife. This is a mess and I should have never involved other people’s lives in it. Any insights would be appreciated.

Why should I care that my loved ones want me to live

I’ve decided that life isn’t worth it but my genuine questions is why should I continue to live just because my “loved ones” will miss me, be sad. etc? I feel like that’s not good enough reason. why should I care about their suffering if they don’t care about mine? Asking me to continue life is equivalent to asking me to continue suffering and it’s selfish

I want to trade all my emotions in exchange for a bit happiness

I am tired of being sad. I am tired of being hopeless and not realising my self worth. I don't have a job, a loving partner, a good confidence, or good looks. I am just another average person who doesn't matter in anyone's life. I just want to be happy, and I am willing to do anything for it, even if I have to sell my soul to a demon.

How can I help my depressed friend

I'm not sure what subreddit to go to. But I'm gonna try to keep this short as possible.. I'm gonna be vague just to keep his information private. I have a online friend that has moved to the another country. he has no irl friends in the new country for the longest time he wasn't able to work. Recently He had gotten the papers to work and stuff and he gotten a job. However, he isn't able to go to college because of some issue. And he very upset by that. He said he feel depressed and wants to end it cause He has no irl friends and I feel like college and some other issue are a problem. Im trying to help him as much as possible but to be honest i don't think what I'm telling him isn't helping. He doesn't want to go to a therapist Also he said he wants to be alone for while. Which I don't think it's a good idea to leave him alone for so long What can I do to help him more?

Slow progress

Fell out my depression today and cleaned my room so proud of myself bc I’ve been feeling drained and busy to do even the simple things in life 🥺 just giving myself anonymous recognition bc I’m always so harsh on myself for not practicing will power

I’m really torn..

I feel like the only thing fuelling me to continue to be alive is my daughter. She doesn’t deserve the hurt losing me will bring to her life. But, she is only 2.. maybe others will speak kindly about me to her, someone will come and take my place, she won’t know the difference if I go now. On the other hand, do I deserve to miss out on her life because I’m sick, no. Yet, I contemplate daily just wiping myself out. I’m trying my best and I know my life is worth living because of her, I’m just struggling to keep this energy up, like wearing a mask 24/7. I’m just tired of it all. I’ve taken up bad habits again, hurting myself to endure, like giving my brain a taste of what it would be like but continuing on afterwards like all is okay, going straight back into mother mode. I don’t truly want to leave, but I’m scared the sickness in my brain is going to win one day.. the guilt and shame I feel that comes from still being like this after 15 years and being a mother makes it feel 100x worse.

So close

Im really thinking about ending this… its so close. I can see them. They’re calling me everyday. All the time “eat us, end this” I don’t wanna suffer anymore All i do is fuck up. My brain cant do things right. I don’t deserve to be here anymore. Whats the points when all i do is fuck up and make everybody hate me. Why would a human like me deserve to live? Why? I don’t see any good reasons.. Its painful. I hurt him all the time. I don’t want to hurt him. Why do i do this? I just want to love him not hate him He hates me now tho I don’t deserve him anyway.. I really regret not ending this when i was younger. It would’ve been easier U think a hand-full would be enough? Maybe two just in case.. I’m scared that if i tell him about this he’s either going to think I’m lying for attention or not believe me.. like everyone else in my life It hurts i know i messed up so fucking much again. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

How much failure is too much failure?

Everything I touch is just ruined. Every decision I take turns out to be a complete disaster. Tired of my current situation, haven't gain anything from work and studies.. I'm stuck in a single phase since years. Feels like I've lost everything and now I just feel tired..idk what to do.

Self Neglect.

I didn't realize I was depressed until I sat down and looked at it all and I definitely, am in fact, depressed. I think everyone saw it but me. However, I realized the route of a lot of my issues is self hatred and a constant feeling of guilt. I'm not sure why. However, I've been heavily neglecting myself. Not drinking water, not showering enough, not brushing my hair, not leaving my room, not eating, not buying basic necessities for myself, just overall neglect. I even get mad when people buy me things. It's awful. It's mostly because I feel tired all the time. I have to push myself to do these basic things. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve these basic things, like buying myself necessities. I want to feel like myself again. Life shouldn't be a chore. Any insight or advice?

That funny feeling

It really never goes away.

Depression or lose hope

For me? i used to be strong more than i should i never try to be weak even situations i have the right to fall even for a while but always i never let me down yeah fighter i guess lol but still wondering why ppl fight so hard to be happy somedays i just want to jump off any high building maybe i feel some sort of freedom i don’t like life It’s boring and filled with pain and i still choose pain for not being weak but unf somedays i am weak all alone and if someone knows i will deny that And I don’t have depression i am just observing facts life is not a thing just boring and i am just adding load being here Maybe i thought i am unstoppable that will leave her footprints but nah That is fairytale

Never enough

I failed again. I never get things right. It's my youngest daughters birthday today. I got up early with my wife and kids for breakfast and to see my daughter open her presents. My own childhood was full of abuse. I dont see much of my parents or siblings. I saw my sister the other day and she gave me a present for my daughter. They don't usually have presents for my kids on the day and they normally give my kids presents a few days after. I'd mentioned to my wife yesterday that I'd got a gift from my sister but I'd left it in the car and would get it later. I didnt remember again about the gift until this morning and our daughter was opening her presents from us and everyone else. As I mentioned, I thought that since she doesn't normally get gifts from my family until after her birthday, I didn't think it was a big deal.....I was very wrong. My wife was PISSED! She was not happy it was still in the car and asked where it was while our daughter was opening her presents from us. I couldn't really go and get it as I was in my dressing gown. The fact I was being told off in front of my kids just froze me to the spot too. I got it wrong. I never do anything right. I'm a failure in every way. I ruined my career, I've no savings. I lost my house thanks to not being able to work after I had a breakdown so i now rent this shit hole. I'm old and ill be working until the day I finally die. I'm still so upset. I thought I was doing well. Its never enough is it. I'm a disappointment to everyone and one day my kids will see me that way too.

I am going crazy

This is nsfw for a reason, if anything concerning triggering topics is not good for you to read, stop here. Now that this is out of the way. I wanna start my story with some contextualisation so people hopefully can understand me at least a bit. I am (20M) not average to say the least. My life consists of ups and downs like every life should, yet it seems like it’s just sloping downwards, with harsh drops after thinking now it’s starting to go back up. This cycle has been going since I got into puberty. No one really understands me and I am mentally not ok. I have diagnosed ADHD which makes “normal” interactions near impossible as I can’t have small talk for the life of me. I either over share everything and talk about everything or I don’t say a single word. I was always a bit wierd because I am quite intelligent but my though processes just don’t match the average at all. My brain is jumpy as hell, it can hyper focus and zone out in an oscillating pattern within a few minutes. To this mess we add depression as a symptom. And borderline. I am very very rational when it comes to my surroundings, yet I lack the basic self preservation instincts everyone should have. I give without wanting anything back. I love seeing everyone safe and happy because I know how the opposite feels. I have been stabbed, and people tried stabbing me multiple times, and every single one amounts to “wrong place, wrong time”. I put myself on the line to safe and or make others happy, just so I’ll be used and abused. My last two GFs also did a number on me. First one wiser me just so she could attack me where it hurts most (my hight for example), the other pressured me into telling her off my woes and worries, which she then tried turning into “you know I can’t handle other peoples problems and you are at fault for me wanting to kill myself!” It seems I just can’t win. Fast forward, I actually met a girl that I genuinely like. She is beautiful and as sweet as an angle. She has the mother instincts complimentary to my father instincts. I can confidently say, around her I feel good. But here we got the problem. I’m not only scared of love as it seems, I am terrified of having to go through hell again. I won’t survive another suicide attempt. And I am going crazy. I am sick rn and I wanna do something with her so bad. But I can’t. And she will leave the country soon. For 1/4 of a year. She was the first girl to ever compliment me on one of my if not my biggest insecurity. And I can only sit at home. It’s driving me up the wall. It feels like life is trying it’s best to just make me end it all. With my luck she’ll comeback with a Spanish guy in tow. I feel fucking miserable and I don’t even have anyone to talk to. Anyone who reads this, thanks for spending your time on me. I know it’s the most valuable asset anyone has. I just hope mine won’t end through my own hand and without someone to love. I jeep very single one of you finds true happiness.

I'm scared

I've been depressed for a long time but at least in the past i liked to talk about it with others. I liked to go out to put my mind at ease. But now i don't want to do any of that. I Don't answer my friends' calls. I don't talk about it to anyone. I don't know why. I just don't have the energy anymore it seems. And I'm scared of what's happening to me. I've never felt like this. It's like I don't have any control over it. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to feel like this.

I’m completely hopeless

I don’t want to make this post long. I’m just completely out of options. I moved to a new city last month. And in three weeks I had a break in burglary while I was sleeping. I had two job interviews days after moving and I didn’t get either job, and they couldn’t give me any real feedback. I also tried to get a therapist but I have to wait 6 months to a year for a first appointment. The past two days I have struggled to do anything other then work from home. But now I can’t even find the strength to do that. I have panic attacks and breakdowns at least once every three hours and I tied a laptop chord around my neck yesterday to suffocate myself. I tried to get help but I can’t wait 6 months to a year. I need help now, I’m just accepting that I won’t get that.

I just want to sleep and never get back up

I just got into Drexel University with a great scholarship and I received my visa today. I came home and informed my parents and they did not show even a shred of emotion. It’s been like that for some time and I know that they have been dealing with their own stuff but statements like” we worked hard for the wrong kid”, “you should just kill your self because you are using up the resources on earth” and I agree with them on the most part but I just feel sad. As now I have published 2 research papers as a high school student and have 3 startup’s and given 2 ted x talks and I just feel I’m letting the entire human race down. I just want to sleep and not get back up. ;_;

Depression in response to sick loved one

A few years ago my grandpa was diagnosed with dementia. He's to the point now where he's sleeping more and more, can rarely finish a sentence, and is having some trouble with walking and basic hygiene. I have meds and therapy to treat my long-standing, severe depression, but this is still taking a toll on me. Things haven't been this bad in a while, and I know his health is only going to get worse. I know I can't be the only one who's felt this way, so how have other people coped? Thanks

I can’t make myself happy

There are external factors that seem to just knock me down every single day. I give up. Why try so hard when things end up awful anyways? I would try so hard to force myself to be happy but it doesn’t feel like happy. I don’t want to do the things I used to love doing. My hobbies sit and collect dust. Even self-care tasks that I should feel great after completing bring me no joy. I feel like a piece of driftwood in someone else’s sea. Whatever they want to do, I don’t care. I’ll just float along like they want me to. Fuck what I want. Six years of this hell. I miss when I used to be happy.

This is making me depressed

So I’ve been suffering with Insomnia for the past 3 years now and back then it wasn’t too bad as I could sleep eventually and it did go away and come back here and there but I always managed to overcome it and go back to normal. However, now it’s come back even worse and on top of that I have this new time anxiety thing where time is feeling sped up which makes it damn near impossible for me to even try to close my eyes and sleep as I’m constantly thinking how long it’s been and I’m worried that my efforts are pointless and I’m going to be sleepless again. This has lead me to feel depressed and I can’t keep my mind off it no matter what distractions I give myself and I just feel so alone and like I’m never going to get better as no one else has had what I had and I’ve defrocked some new mental illness. I’m just here to vent and hopefully get some advice or even if anyone can relate because I feel so fucking lonely and depressed

Depression is hopeless

Meds do not work. There’s a lot of new science that’s it’s just placebo. Regardless I’ve tried quiet a few and they don’t work. Talk therapy doesn’t work. Pets don’t work. Nothing works. Then everyone says you don’t want help. I do but nothing works it’s so deeply frustrating.

Getting better

After almost 9 years of being treated for major depression and going through a bit of a mental break I finally feel like I’m coming out the other side. I’m not a doctor but I would suggest you try probiotics and magnesium. Check with your physician first but I know these things are helping me. It also takes willpower and talk therapy can’t hurt. Be well

Hii I'm 18 was talking to a girl from some months at first everything was going great now suddenly she doesn't reply or even read my texts or doesn't answer my calls I'm now getting depressed feeling lonely can't really sleep or eat

Hi

“I’d be okay with dying if I’m not the one who did it”

That was a line taken from “my anxiety” from Cal Scruby. And it’s probably the most accurate way I feel lately. No one knows how I’m feel or let alone will even be willing to acknowledge it otherwise. I hate living

Should my GF try another psychiatrist

I don’t want to offend or disrespect anyone in this community because I personally do not have depression. Can someone share their story about some psychiatrist they have seen and what they have done to help you with your depression? I would really appreciate it and maybe hearing someone else’s story will give her the courage to try another one. She is very nervous and I do not want to make her do anything she would be uncomfortable with. Thank you.

Seriously cannot get out of bed, sleep has become the only thing I love doing

I love lying in a dark room, curtains shut and the feeling of being under the covers and just escaping from the world and all responsibilities. For the past 2 weeks I’ve spent every spare minute in bed or asleep with absolutely no motivation to do anything else. Even if I sleep 16 hours a day, I lay in bed for more. I know this isn’t sustainable. If this goes on I’m going to end up being kicked out of my course. But somehow I just end up choosing sleep over everything. I don’t have to think about the kind of person I am, or what I have to do, I can just escape. When people ask what I did, all I do is sleep really. I get told I’m wasting my life away (in my 20s) spending it doing nothing but sleep but I couldn’t care less

when i realise i don't suffer enough to be valid, i retreat away and act like i shouldn't be complaining. (vent i guess)

i don't know what this is and google isn't helping, it just says gaslighting, but its not. like its with everything. ill give a few examples: i'm depressed, i've accepted it after years, "oh yours is worse? oh then i'm not depressed then, ill just suffer". i have trauma, i've accepted this too, but it isn't enough to be valid, its stupid and other people have been through worse so i should just suffer. i'm autistic, but everyone's autism is worse then mines is so i should just suck it up and work the first job i see even if it causes me physical pain because i deserve to feel this pain for trying for a second to believe i deserve validation. i should quit complaining and work retail, hospitality and suffer until i finally off myself and become actively suicidal like i deserve to for believing for even a split second that i could ever have had a chance to be validated. i don't suffer enough to be considered valid so i'm not depressed, i don't have autism, i don't have trauma because i don't/didn't suffer not enough to be and i deserve to suffer more just because i believed i was valid. also me suffering more isn't valid either, more like punishment. i'm sorry, thanks for reading.

I have felt nothing but insecurity and incompetence for the past 5 years

TW: Suicidal Ideation For the past 7 years (since I was 12) I have felt nothing but incompetence and insecurity. I have constantly felt that I can’t do anything by myself without screwing up, and I can tell that quite a few of my family members think that way too (especially my dad, who has told me directly to my face that I was worthless and useless). When I was 12 (the first time he called me useless), I tried to strangle myself with a lamp cord. Of course, I pussied out of it, but not before my dad saw. And, of course, he said that I was selfish for doing it. It only got worse later. When my dad got married to my former (thankfully) step-mom, they decided to emotionally abuse me as a punishment for being, *checks notes* a normal teenager. My negative thoughts haven’t stopped since then. I’ve practically wasted my middle and high school years wallowing in these emotions, with my depressive feelings becoming worse in the past few years. As, I was walking by the river tonight, I had a sudden urge to jump in and drown myself. Of course, I didn’t *really* want to drown myself, because of how painful it would be and the fact that I would be leaving my younger siblings behind, but it seemed so damn reasonable to me. If I don’t get past these feelings, I can almost guarantee that I will finish the job I started when I was 12 within the next year or so.

what do I do if my parents know I have depression but only make shit worse for me?!?!

I have depression and I am suicidle and idk how much Fucking longer I can take all of this bullshit.

Why do I feel terrified when im not feeling super bad?

I just got off antidepressants after 5 years of numbing myself. I thought it was time to get back in the ring. Things seem to have picked up where they left off, but there are moments where I feel fine, and for some reason, I just start spiraling after that. It’s like I feel like I NEED to be in pain to feel validated or something. Is this normal, or am I just crazy?

is there a reason anymore

Different day, same thing. These days feel even more unbearable. The extreme discomfort to be in your own skin, staying like this basically forever. Stay past midnight, can’t sleep, eventually fall asleep at 5am just to wake up at 1pm, already disappointed in the whole day. Stay on your phone because it’s the only way to escape from your thoughts which only fill you with fear, sadness and hopelessness. Don’t feel like a human anymore. Can’t let myself be happy, i don’t deserve it, I shouldn’t. Can’t keep any relationships for the same reason. Tired. Extremely tired. I know that there’s no escape. Before it was different. Now, that’s really my lowest. Is there even reason to continue?

Feeling alone. Again

I am dealing with depression for more than a decade now. Never got any proper medical assistance or therapy. Just last year my ENT prescribed a few antidepressants because other medications weren't working. I was good for quite some time. It's started again from a last few months. People I used to talk daily are getting away from me. I am doubting myself. I usually listen to everyone who comes to me with their problems. May it be personal, professional. But I feel like whenever I need someone to share what I'm feeling, there's literally no one. I go out with my friends, laugh with them, hiding how actually I am. This loneliness is killing me everyday. I used to have suicidal thoughts long ago. It's coming back again.

Weight gain on Prozac

I switched to 40mg of Prozac from Luvox. I’m also on Vyvanse 40mg and Rexulti. How I managed to gain weight on Vyvanse is beyond me lol. Anyone else gain weight on Prozac or could be lifestyle choices? Or both? 😩

FUck it

I hate it. I love my life. I have so much time but no energy. Everything is exhausting. It just need less than 30min to tidy up my Living Room but i am too tied. I had a bad night. It just need 2minutes to the supermarket. I am hungry but i have no elan to shop or cook.

I want to start again

I’m 22F, highly introverted, and currently working as an intern in an office, also studying in a university. I lost all of my friends a few months ago because of my depression and now whenever I try to make friends it always fails, even in this internship. I want to go to therapy but I’m scared that my therapist will conclude that my life is ruined forever. I want to talk about my problems with someone but I’m really scared.

Please help me

I started feeling depressed since like around a year ago and it somehow stopped for a few months and now it’s back again I just feel so sad and I don’t know why. Anyone who suffered from depression and is better now, can you please give me tips to be like happy?

Will never own a home.

Parents got help from my grandparents to buy their property and home back in 1974. My little brother got help from his wife's parents to buy their property and home when he got married in 2001. I was born different and have never been stable in my life until about 15years ago when I got on medication. I'd love to buy my own house and property but I make less than $3k a month. Meanwhile , my little brother bought a second property to fix up and eventually move onto it. I get severely depressed thinking about the possible fact that I will end up homeless in the next 5 years because my rent keeps going up and I havnt had a meaningful pay raise in 10 years. I am the only person I know of who does not own a home.

Is being a adult underated or overated to you ?

I see it's just me on here that misses being a kid like wanna go back to the past because the past feels better than.now. I'm still in the present. You guys like y'all job y'all working at to pay your bills and rent? Why you guys like being a adult ? I understand the abusive childhood tramua so of y'all told me about but I'm just curious what all happy to be a adult , y'all got friends? Gf? Also any of y'all landed academic probation in college due to having to work full time to pay bills. I honestly just do my job to pay my bills but hate it looking for something else what are y'all doing?

Feels like my summer is just being wasted

I had grand plans for this summer and lots of time to spend with my family which were promptly ruined and disregarded. Now i've done jack for the past few weeks and im starting to wonder why i even have this break. Reality is that most of my friends are out on a vacay, the family i wanted to see is also out on a vacay and im sitting here doing nothing. U can argue i work out and do some productive things in my life but that doesn't mean anything, working out has never even been a thing i considered to be a "saving grace" as many consider it to be. I've looked into seeing when my family returns to which maybe we can have an outing or some kind of time together but that is turning out to be very unlikely. My friends are out 90% of the time and even tho i can ask to go with they're traveling to other countries very frequently with their families thus it is too expensive to have me on board as well. I've tried to it is what it is throughout this whole ordeal but i can only say that so much. I have barely anyone to be with and my days are filled with the endless same routines as when i was in school minus the going to school part. Is there any possibility for me to make this completely shattered summer worthwhile?

I gave up, I just feel bored

Hi, lately I've been thinking a lot (when I can) "trying" to get out of my comfort zone and my depression is only getting worse. I've been suffering from it for about ten years now and I've gotten to the point where I feel almost nothing, nothing stimulates me, I'm rarely able to enjoy myself, I'm not stressed but I always have this feeling of emptiness every day... I often can't concentrate, my speaking ability is very poor, I can try to talk about any topic but almost always in my brain there is only emptiness, like a fog, I see only darkness. I'm a very quiet person who hardly speaks and I certainly don't start a conversation, I will hardly contact you on social media. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't play sports (years ago I used to cycle a lot around the city), I play a lot on the pc, or rather, I used to play a lot on the pc, now that I've done it for years I'm getting tired of that... I don't have goals, luckily I have a job (found thanks to my father, I would never find it alone), I thought that with work something could change but nothing, I was able to buy some things I've wanted for years but I don't care much, I don't care about having money. I'm accumulating money for I don't know what reason, so much to do it, I don't know if I'll ever spend it to make some important purchases, I accumulate it for any future problem that I'm SURE I'll have. I went to a psychologist a few years ago but didn't solve anything, just wasted money. I still live with my mother and I am very sure that if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here now writing. I don't take medicines, and I don't want to tell my parents anything, I already feel like a burden to them and it's already been too much for me to go to that psychologist for several days, I'm afraid that if I talk again it will end up that I'll have to take antidepressants and I do not want. I'm too afraid of the consequences and further worsening, I already feel almost nothing (except that I feel irritated) I don't want to feel sensations induced by a drug, I feel empty but at least I've learned to know it... Sometimes I can still enjoy myself but it's very temporary and fades quickly. I've never been in a relationship and I don't think I ever will, what do I have to offer? NOTHING, I'm not interested in sex and I don't watch porn, I can't find the point, yes, sometimes I masturbate but only when I'm in the shower to relax, but I do it more to prevent cancer and stuff like that... I've suffered from attention deficit disorder all my life and it certainly doesn't help me, I feel fucking stupid and thinking rationally I am, no matter how hard I try and avoiding bullshit is inevitable, obviously non-existent self-esteem. Socializing bores me and I prefer to do something, I like being alone and doing what I want, I don't feel the need to talk to others. It is no coincidence that when family dinners happen for example, 98% of the time I am silent and listen to others, even if as always I listen but in my brain there is only darkness and random thoughts not related to the speech I am listening to. I've given up and I guess I'll have to learn to live with this feeling of NOTHING. It seems to me as if I am a glass full of cold and dirty water, I want it to be warm but it is always cold, sometimes the room temperature raises the temperature of the water and sometimes the rain cleans the water, making me feel less depressed and finally being able to think about something else. Only the only one to feel this way? I'm throwing away my life, useless to exist and aimless, with persistent boredom and not being able to have a sincere laugh. Do I have to live this life just for temporary good feelings? I'm tired of this shit, I had a lot of creativity as a kid and now I can't do anything. I need to know, do you feel like this too, how do you manage to find comfort, how do you manage to talk…

Really struggling

So these past 7 years have been tough. Since I can remember things were pretty bad, which basically led me to become depressed and anxious about everything. But these past 7 years have been bad in another way. I live in a terrible area and growing up, it was never that bad. But these past couple days I've noticed cars standing outside my area and just sitting there looking straight into the front room. One of them got out of the car and was walking past my house slowly and looking at me and only looked away when she realised I had a phone. I'm certain it was a girl and a guy. On top of that, I don't have a job and have been underemployed since I left school, due to physical and mental health issues. I'm trying to get back into education but that's not until October. I'm only bringing this up because my family is trying to move. We're being harassed for money that we don't owe by my sister and BIL. So we have to contact the police again. Our only option is to move, but the house isn't worth alot (because it's in a terrible area) and we're struggling to find a decent property that isn't in a bad area or isn't in a flooding zone. We'll be going on holiday next month but it's only for 4 days. I'm not sure how to cope from now till October.

Nothing in my life seems fair

"LONG POST" ​ I have been struggling with depression since I was ten besides depression is also a type 1 diabetic since the age of four so I was felt different/alienated from the other kids in school especially when I lost my great-grandmother around 9 I noticed I looked at life differently after that the following year I lost my Great uncle who was like a Grandpa to me who I spent time with every weekend since I could remember with him and my great grandmother when he died I was never the same my heart began to slowly break in half at the age of ten. Two weeks before the start of fourth grade I woke up to my family all in the kitchen all with a sense of sadness on each of their faces I went back to my room when my mom followed me and told me my father had lost his battle with depression and drug addiction I barley knew my father but I cried for hours feeling defeated that I would never get the chance for him to see me grow up. Toward the end of fifth grade, my teacher started to pick on me for daydreaming and not paying attention in class so I got tested for ADHD which he said I didn't have but my doctor said otherwise and diagnosed me with ADHD at the age of 12. Going into my first year of Middle school my older brother who is High Functioning Autistic Pounding into my brain how middle school is Hell and that if you get sick or miss days you won't catch up teacher doesn't care about you etc well not even a month into the school year I got a bad case of pneumonia and I missed two weeks of school came back and there was all the work that piled up over the two weeks and it freaked me completely out. When I woke up to go to school the next day I Broke down in tears and couldn't move as everything with school and what my brother said just kept repeating in my head my mom to me to an emergency therapy appointment and when I was explaining my story to the therapist all I felt was judgment like she didn't believe me nor did my mom so the next day before school it happened again so my mom decided to send me to six grade at my elementary school with all of my friends and after one day it happened again and I didn't have any idea what was happing to me at that point they sent my to special education and they said I have a phobia a brick and mortar school and tried to help me but nothing helped so I spent all of six grade in my room crying and playing video games and crying again. while all of this was going on my brother started to pick on me make fun of me a verbally abuse me, my mom tried her best to save me from him but she didn't have the heart to stop him as he was around 15 and 16 being in high school while being bullied for being autistic he started to take it out on me and my mom for seventh grade i did online school. around the time Black Ops 3 came out I met my best friend whose sides we've been by ever since we live in separate states but one summer I flew out to meet him he knew everything I was going through and he had some of the same issues so it was great to have at least one person had never judged me to this day and never will. I always played baseball during the spring it was the only place/time I felt normal I played fall ball for my old babysitter's father and in the spring and fall ball again but the following spring I aged out and I was heartbroken with the thoughts of me just sitting in my room and just talking to my best friend took me to a dark place again and I just wanted to end it all until after a therapy appointment I went to our field and saw he was their and asked if he needed help coaching and he said yes I have been coaching ever since and he became the father I never had I learned everything about coaching from him how to take care of our field etc I even took over his team this past year as he is not able to coach anymore baseball has been the only happy place I have since everything started for me and its still my escape. About five years ago my grandmother who would pick me up from school watch tv with and go to the park and everywhere pretty much gave up on her battle with Arthritis we put her into a home and it was the worst thing that I had been through since the loss of my father as I talked saw and ate with this woman every day since I came home after I was born this to a dark toll on me as I didn't want to leave the house except to go to baseball otherwise I would not live the house as I didn't see the point anymore. I began to hate life and myself even more, especially after a year of my grandma in the home I couldn't even look at her anymore she had changed so much to the point I stopped going to see her all I felt was anger sadness, and hatred around this time my self-esteem hit a whopping zero my depression was at an all-time high I stopped caring about my diabetes and pretty much gave up on life. the only thing that kept me going was my best friend and baseball and knowing that my not being around would obliterate my mom so I started to take my pills again and take care of my diabetes then covid came and screwed me up all over again baseball was canceled my friends from school I still talked to were home all day to the pointed where I had to make a decision who to talked to until covid lockdown was over and I stopped talking to my best friend and that wrecked me but I thought that's what I needed to do luckily we started talking again after about 5 months apart and haven't looked back since. When baseball was back I felt normal again then winter of 2021 I got my first job working retail as a seasonal at Gamestop I worked hard and had a good relationship with my coworkers but I wasn't able to stay on as there wasn't enough store hours so instead i went to school to become a medical assistant did that while coaching baseball and started to feel normal for the first time since i was a kid got a email about a virtual job fair from gamestop a week after i finished MA school and atendid and got hired on the spot and sent to the same store i was before and last years fall ball iwas giving my team to run i was at a all time high lat march my grandma passed away and my world came to a halt and crumbled around me i stoped taking care of my diabeties i stopped talking to friends and o was broken again i tried to cry it out but i couldnt i was told by people i need to be a man for my family when all iwanted my grandma back i was like a robot at her funeral and buriall no emation what so ever for the woman who helped my mom raise me. A month later it was my grandma's birthday and I didn't want to do anything I didn't want to go to baseball work or still talk to anyone I started to take my anger out on myself mentally tearing myself down all over again to the point where I just kept mentally breaking down over work performance my coaching style and how my life was going I broke down five times in may twice in June a once so far this July. All I hear from my friends and family is I know how you feel I going through it too but there, not they have no idea what this has all done to me my heart is in shreds I hate myself my life, and anyone who tries to say they understand I can't stand it anymore I hate everything now my life has been ruined and depression has won im being forced to go to therapy by my mother but I don't know if it will help if I have given up already. Sorry for the long post but hopefully this helps me by putting this out here

Hello first time writing something 😅😅😅

Hello I'm a person who is a Bipolar and haves ADHD last thing mayor depression with I don't know how to write but I always thinking of killing myself. So If dis is a place we're we can talk about feeling and history I would love to tell you having kill myself still. I really don't know what to tell you is normal to think the? Because I don't want to do it But can't stop thinking about it any person got tip? Ps. Sorry for my bad writing the best sometimes 😅 and just incase I forgot I do go see a physicality but never se to have a connection like don't feel I can express my feelings o he I understand me

Education

The first time I remember a teacher telling me I wasn’t good enough was in sixth grade. I grew up with the passion for science, thanks to my mother. My mom would come home from her community college night courses and teach me everything she was learning. I would stay up reading books about animals, biology, anatomy, and our universe. When I started my first trimester in middle school, I was also a part of the wrestling team, and my science teacher was the coach. I felt very comfortable with asking clarification questions and I did very well in his course. I was also recognized for excellent grades in my other courses and my name was on the wall, I was on the “Principal’s List”. However, at this school, we rotated science teachers every trimester, and this new teacher immediately began to belittle me and created an environment where I felt unwanted, similar to my home life at the time. I could only watch as my grades slipped from all A’s and a C, to all C’s and just one A. I was bullied, not only by the students, but this science teacher as well. He began to yell at me more and tell me that I couldn’t achieve anything, until eventually he physically hit me. I remember losing interest in education as this man took something I grew up loving and made it the one thing I hated.

A New Journey

Tomorrow is my Birthday. 13 July 2023. I Have Set. A Resolution to heal my pseudodementia and My Disorder. My Resolution 1. 1 Book Everyday 2. 3 Hours Exercise 3. Journals. 4. Socialise with family Again 5. Reduce Screen Time Less than 2 Hours. I've previously set resolution Too. Like 6 Months I did start a resolution to Change My Personality. Which Was partially successful As I saw a decrease in my Neuroticism levels. NOTE:- My Disorder happened due to my Certain personality Traits. So According To Doctors My Personality Is The Root Cause Of Chaos Inside Head. So, As my Previous Resolution Goes Well. I am pretty confident I'll be Able To do this one Right, Maybe. I am Trying Exercises Which Could Occur Neuroplastic Changes To Heal My Brain And Epigenetics To Change My Personality. Thanks For Listening ❤️❤️❤️