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im gonna die alone | im so ugly i have nothing of worth to any part of me. i am just a number in the population. i was only born to be someones stranger and not to be myself. im never gonna be happy. how am i supposed to live like this. oneday im gonna die and im gonna have nothing. nobody will have anything to say at my funeral. i wish i was never born. i wish i was in the void with no worries. no knowledge of death. no knowledge of the world. im not meant to be here i just wanna go back. nobody knows how i feel. one thing makes me cry and then im having an existential crisis alone in my room. i havent told anyone my feelings in 3 years. i wish someone cared about me so bad. id do anything for a parent who cared. im only 13 i just want someone to listen to me. why do the people who make fun of me and call me ugly get to enjoy their lives. is that all i am? am i made to die? im so lonely. whenever i try to tell someone online they tell me im to young to feel like this. am i being overdramatic? im so scared | 1 |
Don't really understand the point amymore | Been battling with a reason to care about anything or anyone family included for awhile now. It comes and goes and when I start to think I'm starting to do better and care about things again the bullshit comes knocking. My brain starts overthink and the depression sneaks back in. Sometimes I just think it would be easier to shut every single person I know out of my life and just go to work and go home and be forgotten. Dont really know... ya know? | 1 |
I don't know what to call this | (15F)
I just don't think I can do this anymore, I've been fighting with bad depression for a really long 3 years. I know it's not that long, I've seen others with worse then me. But it feels so long for me. I seriously don't think I can keep up anymore. I've waited so long for help, but I don't think I can wait longer. Everyday is a struggle. I can barely get up anymore, I can barely go to work anymore, I can barely eat anymore. I've grown to perfer to be alone. But being alone kills me so much. But I can't do it. I can't. I can't fight anymore.
I have relapsed again and it was bad this time, ever since it happened. I do it close to every other day and I just hate myself for it. I cut and pinch and scratch my arms. I hate that I do this to myself, but I just can't stop. The longest I went was a month, but everyday felt like I was on edge till I did it again.
Everytime I see one of my friends hang out with someone, I get jealous. But everytime I catch myself doing that I just want to punch my arm as hard as I possibly can. It's horrible of me to just get jealous just from people hanging out with others. I don't deserve it.
Whenever I like someone, I feel like I just need to rip my insides out, it makes me feel worthless and pathetic. I just can't fall in love anymore. Anytime I get into a relationship, my stomach grows knots and my brain tells me that something bad is going to happen to me if I stay in the relationship longer. Like I've done something and I don't deserve it.
I also haven't seen my doctor in now 3 months, I just can't wait longer. I can't anymore. She hasn't been helping me at all. It just feels like I'm talking to a ai or something. And I can't get a break, I just want to disappear. I don't deserve help if it doesn't help me personally.
I hate myself so much, I just want to disappear forever. Or just go sleep and don't wake up. Just something to get me away from my life forever.
I'm sorry for everyone reading this. This is honestly me writing how I feel onto Reddit and stopping when I felt like it. | 1 |
It might be time | I'm not sad anymore, Ive lost feeling a little while ago. Everyday is just the same. I have no direction or passion. I'm grateful for everything I have done in life so far even though it's been far more bad then good. I still hold those little triumphs in my memories. I wish I could overcome my troubles but like everything else I slowly loose control and fail. I usually get teary when writing sad post like this, but not this time. I am getting more accompanied with the thought of death. The only thing I really like doing is sleeping the peacefulness of just fading away. None of my struggles can come get me as I'm in a state where I can't interact with them. So going to bed one last time is really appealing to me. I think I'm going to go to a local bridge tonight and just stare at the water I'll make my mind up then. | 1 |
I don't see future here I'm desperate should I move abroad | Guys I'm a 28 years old male from Italy, i just have a huge issue here, i don't see a future. I struggle with mental disorders since the age of 16 I tried to work and I failed different times, now I'm willing to work again but I don't find a proper job that pay me enough to move away from my parents house which living with them is becoming heavy, I'm not happy here, I'm alone no friends no experiences , no opportunities. My depression is getting worse right now. I have here the opportunity to work in the hospitality and it's basically working in a restaurant or pizzeria for more than 8 hours a day for 650 euros which is not enough to be independent. Mind the fact that I live in Naples so I'm kinda hopeless now. I would like to save some money for future decisions and I would like to move somewhere else but I'm kinda scared to do everything by myself. If you did leave your country and moved abroad tell your experience | 2 |
I feel sorry for the people that care about me! | I really really don’t wanna live anymore. | 2 |
does *anything* get even slightly better? | ive been depressed for as long as i can remember, and it seems like it just gets worse and worse. ffs, im only 20 and the amount of yearning for death, hopelessness, and lack of motivation only scares me for the future.
i never really planned id make it to this age, but now im here and idk wtf to do.
i have no support. my family just threatens to kick me out if i dont "act normal" and i just cant do this shit anymore .
fuck everyone, fuck everything. im tired. i just want it to go away. | 1 |
Psychomotor r-tardation | Do any of you suffer from this and find it gets easier at night? | 0 |
My body is tired | 29 years old, male.
I don't know what exactly to write, these last months have been a nightmare. My body feels shit and I'm always tired. it's like when I was under pshyco medication 9 years ago, but without the benefit of not feeling depressed.
I just came home after working 2 weeks in a summer sport camp with intense rhythm, and I know it's normal to feel tired now, but there is always something going on with my body (I'm fit, I do handstands on the daily) and I'm tired of taking care of it.
I'm trying to study some new stuff I like (computer networking), I'm trying to compose music as I'm used to, I'm trying to idk, do stuff. I can't. I wake up after good sleeping and 2 hours after I'm back on the bed just staring at the ceiling.
I'm tired of trying not to feel like shit both mentally and physically. I have to eat every 2 hours (very fast metabolism) otherwise I fall down and I'm even more depressed. I have to constantly do stretching or yoga not to feel different pains in my body so I'm able to do simple things like staying on a couch. If I wake up too early I'm fucked, if I wake up too late I'm fucked. If I sleep in the afternoon I'm fucked. If I sit for more than 1/2 hours I'm fucked. I think there is something wrong with my body all in all, I got prescribed some analysis 1 year ago that I didn't do. I'm scared and I don't wanna find out stuff that's it. That's just gonna add to the things that will bring me down.
I don't drink much alcohol (I rarely drink), I smoke 1 joint at night which is what might impair my energy, I'm gonna cut it off (already tried cutting off for 2 months, nothing really happened), that is it. I don't do anything else.
Cut the weed, cut the idk what else is left to cut, I'm tired of changing shit left and right without many results. Yesterday I played accordion for maybe 1 hour and I was exhausted. Cut that off too?
This is just a rant I wanted to share with someone, I'm tired. | 8 |
I'm so bummed, guys! My parents straight-up jacked all my cash! | Hey, fellow Redditors, I'm coming at you today feeling super down. Like, seriously, my life has gone from okay to a total disaster in, like, no time at all. Lemme fill you in on this crazy messed-up situation I'm in.
So, I come from a family where everyone just hates me, my parents, my elder brother. I always felt kinda alone. I mean its not that terrible tho because i try to stay on my own and earn my own money. I trusted them with my money but turns out they betrayed me big time. They freaking stole every single dollar I had! Can you believe it? All the money I worked my butt off to save, gone in the blink of an eye. I can't even begin to tell you how crushed I feel right now.
Imagine waking up one day and finding out you've got absolutely nothing to your name. It's like a nightmare, but it's real life. I'm stuck in this never-ending pit of sadness and it's killing me. It feels like I'm trapped in some twisted, messed-up game.
But it's not just about the money, man. It's about the betrayal. How could my own parents, tret me so badly, they are the people who are supposed to love and protect me. It's like a punch to the gut, a knife through the heart. The pain runs deep, and it's eating me up inside. I just wanna kms
I just needed to vent and share my story. And hey, if any of you have been through something similar, I could really use your advice or some words of encouragement. I know it's gonna be a long, hard road, but with you awesome folks by my side, maybe I can find a tiny glimmer of hope in this messed-up mess of a life.
Thanks for taking the time to read my rant, guys. Your support means the world to me, seriously.
TL;DR: My parents straight-up swiped all my cash, and now I'm feeling like the biggest downer ever. If anyone's got some advice or positive vibes, I could really use 'em. This sucks, guys. | 5 |
i want this to be “just a phase” | I (18 F) am tired of life. All I’ve done recently is lie on my bed and doomscroll on TikTok. I graduated high school last month. I’m honestly surprised because I rarely showed up for class. I’ve been depressed since the end of freshman year (when the pandemic began). Getting good grades has always been easy, but I feel like I haven’t learned anything since elementary school. My brain is rotting. I don’t have any friends. I only had acquaintances that I was able to talk to in a few classes. I can’t maintain relationships with people. Kids weren’t particularly mean to me, but I still found it impossible to fit in with others. Socializing was always so draining. I felt like I was acting and following a script when I talked to people, not actually having conversations with them. I preferred to be completely silent in most of my classes. I’ve gained weight. I’m not fat, but no one calls me skinny anymore. I’ve lost interest in everything. I used to enjoy doing my skincare/makeup, watching shows/movies, reading, baking, climbing, running, playing the guitar, writing, and getting ahead on my studies. But now I can’t get the motivation or energy to do anything. It’s been like this for three years. I’m heading to college next year (not super happy with where I’m going), but I don’t know if I’m ready. I am super insecure and feel awful about myself. I’m not exactly in the mindset to study something like computer science. What happened to all the grit and determination that my younger self had? I hate that the past three years actually happened and that I can’t just hit an undo button on all of it. | 1 |
I can’t stop daydreaming | I literally spend every second of my free time daydreaming. Sometimes I even do it at my internship or when I’m with my friends and/or family. It’s ironic how it’s supposed to be comforting, but whenever reality hits me and I’m forced to acknowledge that the life I dream of is not actually my life, I want to die. Just how pathetic am I? How sad is my life? It’s so unfair that I’ll never get to live the way I want to. I’m too embarrassed to talk about it with my therapist or anyone else, really. I don’t know how to stop or if I even want to stop. It’s pretty much the only thing that gets me through the days. | 1 |
I regret existing. | I hate myself. Im a overweight 13 year old idiot im short all i ever do is put myself down. I wish i could just end it. Ive had these thoughts since i was 10. My parents dont care about how i feel my mom just says "ok" my dad says "get over it" they dont treat me the same as my older brother. Im failing academically im just not the same person i was. Im not happy anymore. The whole friend group is so much stronger and smarter than me. But i have no one else to talk to. Somehow ive had an effect on them im just a speck i shouldnt have an effect on people | 14 |
It's been though | My life has always been a mess. I'm 16 and I honestly lost interest for everything, I feel dull, my hobbies and the things that I love are basically gone. It all started when I was 13, one of my friends that I met online committed suicide, I knew her in person. That right there, that was the moment where I felt the most painful thing in my life. My other friend had physical problems, he couldn't move well and used a wheelchair to move, when I was 14 he died of an heart attack and I was lonely again. By this point I started having lots of troubles with communication. All of my friends are basically puppets that don't know how empty I feel and honestly, that makes me think that I am portraiting a really good character. I met a girl at school when I was 15, we started to rang out together, I knew that she liked me, I also liked her, we were engaged in romantic actions sometimes (she would lie on my thighs and we would hold hands). I didn't really think that I should start a real relationship with her, it wouldn't be fair for her, I have lots of issues and I don't think that I can actually sustain a relationship with basically anyone, because it just wouldn't be fair with them. So I decided to come clean and talk about it, she understood that I didn't want a relationship with her and today I discovered that she started meeting another guy, I was a little sad for 5 minutes, but I don't really care about it, if she's happy that's what matters. I still talk to her, but I feel like she's just ghosting me and honestly, I understand, it's nothing personal, I guess.
The point is that I don't feel anything, it has simply stopped, I feel like if my mother died today it wouldn't change a thing about me. God, when was the last time that I fucking cried? My grades are starting to get bad, but nothing that I can't fix (like 1 point away from getting a good grade). I never seeked psychological help, that would be too much and I always managed to get over with things, so I might as well do it again.
I'm just tired, really tired, I think that I should invest my time on things that I like, so I will return to my piano classes next week so that I can actually start to like things again and maybe I can meet someone that will make me feel less lonely. The one thing that I always said to myself is that I should never stop on being gentle, that's what makes people like you, that's what makes people feel like they matter, I would never want anything like what I am going through to anyone, that's why I am always trying to be gentle and there for others, even if I know it's not genuine. People don't consider me a weirdo or someone that is difficult to relate to, but don't have anything that I consider to be genuine.
I don't know if I am doing the right thing now, so I just wanted to ask you guys about it. That's all, have a great night yall. | 1 |
“When you try your best and you don’t succeed” | Honestly, after 7 years of constant depression and anxiety, medication and ECT treatments. This year was supposed to be the year I start to acclimatise to society again. I’ve been trying to count my small wins but every time I get beaten down.
I’m 23 and still cannot take public transport. I still rely on my parents for financial support (even though they say it’s okay for me to take my time).
I’ve been trying to go to school 5 days a week 0830-1730 everyday (essentially like work hours) but I’m so so so exhausted. My body just crumbles and sometimes I need a break but I’m running out of excuses to get medical certificates from the doctors.
It’s taboo to have mental illness in my country. I’ve been shunned away, denied opportunities. But it’s so tiring keeping it all under wraps. Under a facade.
I need to breathe. I’m so so tired. | 1 |
Some writing/venting | Im a 21 year old male. I've had depression most, if not all of my life. Only within the past few years have I seen therapists and gotten it diagnosed. I take medication now but it's not what I would call "help." I used to really only be sad all the time. Now with meds, I feel nothing. But with the occasional episode of course. I don't enjoy much anymore. And I was content with that. I tried to think of myself as sort of like a hippy. Like the "I'm just floating through life man" kind of hippy.
I finished a short story today that made me question that mentality. I'm not content with just "floating" through life. I'm suffering. I don't feel much happiness, I don't get scared anymore. Not nothing. I have no friends. I just work, go home, feed my cat and sleep. Sometimes I'll play a video game or watch TV but all that does is pass the time until the next day.
The story was about a 20 year old man who is down on his luck and sells his life for money. His future is laid out and is told he would live for another 30 years. And that his life was so pathetic, it was only worth 30 cents. He sells all but three months of his life and decides to just try to enjoy the rest of it. He then meets a girl who had also sold a large chunk of her life. I won't spoil it but he lived out another month and sold the rest of his life to help this girl pay off her debts. She found out, also sold the rest of her life and they live out their final three days together.
Since he learned of his future, the way he dies and all of that, he came to the conclusion that these last three days would be much better than another three months or 30 years suffering. It made me wonder the same. Do I really want to live out the rest of my life like this? Do I want to live a possible 10, 20 or 60 years feeling nothing and enjoying nothing? Just doing the same thing over and over. With no friends, no partner, no reason to do this? No. I don't think I do.
I want to explore the world. That's about it. If I could, I'd sell all but one year of my life. In that year I'd travel Europe and Asia. Or maybe just live in the French countryside. In high-school I took French class and I took a liking to French language and the country. I don't have an interesting life. It's boring and I'm not enjoying it. I just want to do this one thing and peacefully leave on my own terms. I don't know my future, but there's a chance I die by getting killed in a car accident or something else horrible. I would much rather die by my own.
Again, peacefully and only my own terms. | 2 |
I genuinely can't tell if my life's real anymore | It's terrifying. Like I know logically it is real, but I still feel like I'm following a script; like I'm a character in a movie. I fucking hate it, though I have a feeling that I'm gonna feel like this for the rest of my life. Depersonalization, derealization, whatever you wanna call it - it's definitely the worst symptom of depression, at least for me. | 1 |
I can't sleep and I can't be bothered to eat or drink. I think I might dehydrate myself. | I haven't been able to sleep in several days and even though I'm starving, I just have no appetite. I tried to force myself to eat yesterday and I couldn't finish the food. I'm so thirsty but I don't want to get out bed to get water. I don't know what to do. I have no motivation for nourishment. | 2 |
For years I have and dealt with severe depression, and unfortunately it seems like I'm treatment resistant been on and tried many medications, my therapist just seems to talk without anymore attempted helpful resources. Looking for suggestions. | The biggest thing I want to try is exercise, I just don't know what kind that I can give a shot, because I have tarsal coalition in my feet so it can be quite painful. Times where my feet felt a bit better I tried running, or like jump roping and then I had to stop because of the pain, then the pain persists for over a year. So its frustrating. Although I have noticed all my attempts at exercise I only felt good the first time or two even after going through with it a month or more. So not sure if that's the solution or what is.
I have Asperger's and symptoms of Bipolar 2 but not officially diagnosed with the BP. I did some reading about video game addiction, which I definitely have, I think about them nonstop, play them as much as I can, even though I'm getting no enjoyment. And wonder if maybe my dopamine is shot. Thing is ever since I left school many years ago, I have been at home all this time, I don't communicate with anyone, so I don't think I can give the games a break, its all I know. I read you'd need to give it 90 days to restore balance, I wouldn't be able to do it, because of my Asperger's obsession and OCD are extremely strong. Video games are all I've ever known, and I'm worried that might be part of my depression is my dopamine might be spent.
Depression has been really bad for a few weeks, I hate every day and everything I'm doing. I just thought I'd ask for anything I might be over looking that may be beneficial. Thank you. | 1 |
Isolating myself | I’m all alone in this world. I haven’t updated my social media in 2 years. I doubt any one noticed. A couple months ago my brother gifted me a pair of socks. That touched me. That someone at least thought about me. But the feeling is back once again. I can’t get rid off it. It keeps festering in my mind like a parasite. All I have to do is reach out to people yet I can’t even do that. It feels so difficult. Why do I reject every invitation attempt trying to connect with me? I don’t know how to connect with people at all. I’m alone. | 2 |
It's IMPOSSIBLE for things to get better | When I say it's impossible for things to get better, I mean there's no way in hell things are going to get better. The only thing that's going to happen is for it to get worse. Unfortunately, things have been getting worse for years now. I don't think it's going to end well for me. My stress levels are crazy high. I was going to the gym for 6 months straight with admittedly decent results, but I was getting harassed/bullied on a regular basis. The only thing that hasn't happened was getting things thrown at me and getting beat up - although I wouldn't be surprised if that were to happen at this point. I'm losing my mind completely. There are people in my neighbourhood that want me dead, they don't have to say it. My relationship is rocky, I don't trust my girlfriend at all. My confidence has gone to complete sh\*t. Only thing that's good is work, and my goals in term of education. I'm completely losing it otherwise. | 1 |
Don't know what to do | Can't tell if I actually need a change or if I'm fucking up. Context: been on Zoloft for like four years and worked but left me either between numb or absolutely full of energy. Haven't had a regular psychiatrist because mental health in the poor California is fucked. Wait-list wait-list or everyone drops. I was told by recent psychiatrist to taper off and that was hell but I did it and now I'm off Zoloft. I can feel again but it's so much. Like I'm back to who I was which is refreshing but not great. Full of internalized rage most of the time or absolute despair.
I had to leave my family's property just a little over a year ago now. I had to flee to a domestic violence shelter. I was 27. I only ended up back there because I was hospitalized in psych and couldn't keep my job. I was only back home for a year and I fucking had to go to a shelter because it was so bad. My dad hates my guts and my brother said I should've just died and my mom is a fucking brainwashing enabler. I've been pinned for all my family's bs and I really tried that year to get people to understand and change but it wasn't happening. After the shelter I was homeless. Then I got back in school. Now I'm in school but I fucking hate everything. I hate that this is my life. I hate that my option is to get a degree or die. Like don't try to fight me on that because it's true. I can't hold down a job and financial aid has been my only way to live. I'm not even that smart lol I have to look up most my answers to get passing grades. But anyway.
Continued in comments bc apparently I'm new | 1 |
Father with relapsed (from withdrawal meds) depression. | Hi!, I’m trying my best to help my father to cope with his relapsed condition. He was diagnosed with major depression disorder and was in a hospital for two weeks as he was losing unhealthy amounts of weight. He was stabilised but with too much meds, Effexor 150 mg, 100 Luvox and mirtzapine 75 mg. And two hypnotics and one benzo. The reduced his dose of Effexor to 75 mg, and discontinue one hypnotic. Right now his is struggling to find any meaning or purpose and is desperate to end this. If you could help me by what was benefit you in this is would be really helpful I struggle to find ways to get him more active. Of course I know it’s terrible and my mental health is also taking a toll since I suffer from Gad and ocd myself. Thanks for reading! | 1 |
I don’t really think I’ll ever find someone | I actually thought i did recently. Met through a friend and talked for a little bit and went on a date. She is really pretty and everything I could want in a partner but I felt obligated to tell her after the first date that I’m a lot to deal with and I really am a giant mess to put up with. I didn’t divulge too much, just told her mentally i’m not stable and have been struggling with mental illness for a while. It always feels like it comes off as me trying to let others down easy. Like I didn’t really think we meshed well and I didn’t wanna be an asshole in breaking that news to her. If she was willing to try I would’ve loved to continue things but I know how I come off. It’s just frustrating. I don’t want to self sabotage but I can’t handle my own issues 90% of the time so it feels selfish to let someone else try and deal with that without fair warning. Just wish I could be normal yk | 1 |
When did it start to get better for you? | This is specifically targeted to anyone older on the sub. I’m 23 and I know I’m young and have so much time in front of me to improve things, but I feel so little hope for the future and just don’t have to motivation to keep going when it doesn’t feel like it will ever be worth it.
How long did it take you to feel like your life was valuable/worth living and what gave you hope until then? | 2 |
Family is f**ked | Hello,
Im a 27 year old male, and all i can say is i fucking hate myself. This might be a long story but i dont know, maybe this will help. I only have my wife thats keeping me alive rn but even thats getting tough because even she too is fed up with my mental (giant fight as a write this) But i need to know how to do this everyday, because the sadness just takes over all the time now and i cant keep doing this to her but i also cant stop, making me hate myself more :)
So heres the story, in as best of chronological order. September of 2021 is where it started, i had to go do a drug test for work. Nothing crazy since ive done them many time but i did smoke weed so i was cheating. My brother gave me some clean pee and all was fine, until i dropped the cup into the toilet and had blown panic attack for 4 hours in the testing center. My boss was my stepfather, and he is the most narcissistic abusive asshole dipshit cumstain of a human being. The things he wouldve done to me knowing i failed a drug test sent me spiraling. It eventually led me to quit that job bc i couldnt take working for my stepfather anymore. Mind you this job was making me around 140k+ a year.
So now im free from mr douchebag and looking for a new job but as i made a lot for years and was having my house pretty much pay itself with tenants i decided i was gonna start my own 3d printing business, and i did just that. Probably the happiest and most fulfilling ive ever been. This is where it changes. The business was just kickstarting and the wifey got a job offer to move down to TN which we were excited about bc we both couldnt wait to get out of NY. So we took the offer and left in May 2022.
Since everyone knew we were leaving for months my mother decided to come up with a plan that destroyed my family, maybe its my fault. My house that i was selling use to belong to my stepfather before they moved to PA. I bought it off him bc it was a good financial decision for me with all the tenants. But boy was it my biggest mistake. My sister had just had a kid a few months earlier and was also getting married. So my mother called me and told me that bc of all that i HAD to sell my house to my sister with the same deal i got. I shot this down from the beginning as the housing market was at an all time high from covid. At the time, my reestate agent had me pinned to sell the house at 530k+, my mother wanted me to sell it to my sister for 415k with 30k in a gift of equity like i got. So after 3 years and a bunch of fixes and work on it i wouldve walked with like 80k in my pocket to help family.
I didnt wanna do this deal, for multiple reasons. 1) i wanted to profit 2)i needed to pay back my debts from the business before moving 3)i needed money to move now which i wouldve gotten from the house 4) the best part is i was going to have to wait a year before my sister was actually ready to buy. My mother somehow gaslit me into the deal, because at the time i loved my family and would try to do anything to help.
So now i take out a loan to move down south, all my bills keep pilling, money ran out, im not making any and now my entire life is upside down. This is about 4 months into the move when i called my mother crying begging for help bc i didnt know what to do and all she could say was figure it out this is your problem. I was already working 70hrs a weeks to try to fix things. Meanwhile she didnt see me off when i left Ny and she hasnt even called to see how i was doing. Only called to ask about my sisters wedding. So i took her advice and figured it out.
Gave a new offer to my sister in August of 2022 bc i couldnt live anymore and was about to go homeless. Gave her a new offer that She didnt like one bit and it started a whole fight. I said i didnt care and that if she couldnt buy it with a (still) generous family offer then get out so i can sell it. The house sale was the worst my realestate agent every saw by just sheer bad luck (theme of my life) and the bad luck just got worse and worse. Took me until Jan 2023 to finally sell and due to my sister/tenants not giving a fuck about anything. When i arrived at my house, the was a burst pipe that destroyed the entire basement with flooding.
This cost my 35k at closing and my profits ended up being less than if i sold to my sister. What was worse is that for some reason i had to wait till june this year for her to have bought my house but when i kicked her out she magically had money to buy another house. Love that.
Anyways at the end of all that pretty much the 7 year i worked for that abusive asshole went to waste because everything i spent my life working for was gone. I have no car, i have no business, my retirement is wiped clean and i just filled bankruptcy. I have no family anymore either except my wife and my aunt. I have nothing to my name and my inlaws think im going to be my wifes biggest mistake bc im such a failure.
I went from making 100k plus a year to 20/hr. Granted now i love what i do being a chef, but of course it doesnt pay shit so its either do what you love and be broke or do what you hate and have money. Every decision feels like the wrong one, i feel like im going crazy, i feel like i have nothing to even work towards anymore. Theres a bunch of little shit that also adds to this but i didnt want to make this a therapy session with a 6 page essay.
So to summarize everything quick, my dad stole 40k from me and put me in 50k debt with irs, my step dad mentally and physically abused the shit out of me for year while my mom kept it quiet for family appearances, and my mother drove me to bankruptcy because she cares more about my sister and her kid then the rest of us (theres 5 of us). My inlaws think im a mess and a failure and spend everyday trying to get their daughter to leave me and go back to Ny, cant say i blame them anymore. And i just wake up everyday hating myself more and more because i dont know how to fix any of it anymore and i just want to die.
Thank you for reading. | 3 |
TW DRUGS, Depression | I struggle a lot with fake scenarios.
Like 30 minutes ago I was so in a world where all the people I love died, which never happend, I know that.
The only way I saw to get out of it was taking drugs, which I sadly did.
Now I am feeling like “am I doing it for attention? Why am I this way?”
I feel so invalidated by myself.
I took something to make myself feel better but not even 30 minutes later I judge myself for doing it.
Idk what to do.
Should I tell someone that I need the help? Should I tell someone that the only way I feel better for a short amount of time is destroying myself?
Idk what to do with myself I’m like either destroy yourself with your depression or with drugs and I don’t feel like that’s a good thing.
I want to tell my mom about it but I’m scared that she will not help me but instead abandon me.
Idk what to do but I know if I don’t do anything it will destroy me either way.
I feel like I should know what I should do but I don’t at the same time it’s so frustrating.
Please!!! Give me advice without telling me what the better option is if that makes sense.
I KNOW that both options are shit but there must be a way to help me. | 1 |
Trying my best. On a schedule, still thinking about ending it all every night. | 7:45 am: Crawl out of bed put on dress shoes, slacks and a pull over collared sweater that's dry clean only but I machine wash every week. Drive to my finance sales job.
8:30 am: Clock in. Get ready to make some sales. But wait you have 7 accounts on your calendar with complaints + margin / trade issues you need to fix because fuck you. Spend the first four hours of the day on the phone with a variety of support teams more incentivized to get you off the phone as soon as possible rather than help you fix the clients issue. Everyone of your colleagues around you is getting layups picking up the phone to happy customers bringing in money. Try to remember the teachings. Try to remember equanimity. Slowly jealousy, envy, self pity, and aversion arise. You notice it. That which has the nature to arise will also pass away. It doesn't pass away. The current rises. It's half way through the day. You're on the phone with a 75 year old woman accusing your firm of stealing from the elderly saying she's going to report you to every newspaper in the country. You escalate the issue to your manager like you're supposed to and he gives you an attitude like you caused this problem and aren't the unlucky bastard who got the random inbound. The guy sitting across from you is on his third conference call of the day telling leadership about how great the first call he took this morning was. First words out of the clients mouth before he said hello were I want to bring over a million dollars and open 5 accounts. He's running the next sales training meeting now on how you can suck less. I finish filing the complaint from the last call and move on to the next one. Water off a ducks back. You're entitled to the work not the results. I go to take the next call, I feel my heart skip a beat. Is this a panic attack? Why does my stomach burn? Sorry for disappointing you mother. Grind through the rest of the day. Get a couple opportunities, they're small and they will probably fall through. You made it through the day, but you didn't hit goal. You're a failure in need of coaching.
7:00pm: You made it through your 10 hour shift. Didn't take lunch to squeeze out the extra 30 minutes of productivity because you're a good worker bee. Drive home, stop and get some food from chipotle. Salad bowl. No rice, were on keto baby, supposed to be good for mental health and we're trying to lose weight. No beans. They hurt my stomach. Double chicken, gotta get that protein for the gains. Salsa, corn, guac, sour cream and cheese. I'm such a naughty boy.
Water for a drink. No calories and it's free.
8:00pm: get home. Inside of your mind is a storm. You want to cry for help. You want to scream. You want to die. You sit down to meditate for 10 minutes and cry for 11. Change out of your work clothes and into gym clothes. It's raining outside so you drive to the gym to run on the indoor track. Week 11 of your 10k training program. Run 4 miles, thinking your gonna die or throw up the whole time. Finish the run. Realize you just had to burp.
10:00 pm: gym closes just as you finish your workout. Drive to the grocery. Buy some protein shakes. Sit in the car listening to hurt by Johnny Cash. Text the suicide hotline not really knowing why. They ask you how long you've felt this way and you start crying like a baby when you realize you've been suicidal for 13 years now and nothing is any different. Nothing will ever be different. | 1 |
Worthless | I turned 28 last month
I have no skill set, I can't find a job.
I never got a college education or even bothered to take an SAT, because I made the poor choice of thinking I would never need it, as I was shipping out to great lakes 2 weeks after graduation (navy)
Medical discharge, after 2 years, I fight with the shame of people in my family/friends referring to me as a "veteran" despite not finishing my contract.
1month out of navy, my dad passed, I took a year attempting to pick myself up fighting with suicidal thoughts and tendencies, while dealing with his estate as an independent administrator.
Recently got let go, on a wide scale layoff at a retail store. Now I'm just struggling to find work and dealing with the fact I have a non existent skill set, I'll never get the chance to live remotely comfortable living in a high cost of living state.
Now I keep the plastic case my S&W is in, with me as I sleep in bed. I dream of less painful and sudden ways to go while holding the case close to me, but everything but the S&W feels unrealistic. | 10 |
I don’t want to fight | I have been on the road of healing for about a year now I’m doing good but just for today I don’t want to fight I don’t want to get out of bed I don’t want to eat I don’t want to brush my teeth I don’t want to go to the gym today all I want is to stay in bed and read just for today I don’t want to fight | 1 |
Feel like I’ll stay single until I die … | I am 30 and I am still single, struggling finding someone decent … I am at the age where it is very difficult to meet new people, most of my friends are in a relationship. Dating apps are a struggle, it is very difficult to find someone decent. I am feeling really depressed… ( I am a woman) | 2 |
Fucking tired of the loop | Go to work five days straight and only have two days off to relax. It fucking gets to me. I just want to quit my job for a part time job where I only work one day out of the week so I can do more stuff I want to do. Work it's self isn't stressful but the 40 hours of commitment each week is.
I have a plan to get out but I will impede my progress if break out of it. I just need to commit at least 2 1/2 more years to this BS, but it feels so fucking far away. | 3 |
brain fog is at its worst | i literally don’t know what i’m doing. i cannot think clearly at all and i constantly lose my train of thought. i can’t even watch a full movie or tv show without blanking out or getting bored. it feels like i’m losing my memory and i think my brain is slowly deteriorating and i’m getting significantly dumber because of it.
i don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything anymore except sit around and its driving me crazy | 109 |
I feel paralyzed. | I don’t know any other way to describe it. I have been sleeping 12 hours a day lately because I feel too exhausted to do anything. I work remotely and I’m moving to another country for 6 months in 2 weeks. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple years now and it feels like I’m in the same place mentally. There’s no joy left in things I used to love. My girlfriend is on the other side of the world. My family is all too busy dealing with their own problems. Sometimes I just sit alone in my room and stare at the ceiling. I don’t feel like writing anymore, but I’ll post this because it feels wrong to delete it. Maybe I can look back in this at some point in the future and things will be different. I’m so tired. | 3 |
Hurting people around you | When you are left all alone with your thoughts they are not good for you when you are with other people you are no good for them.People tells you that you are lowering their mood you get irritated so easy that even simple problems can look like end of the f.in world,when people gives you advice it is nothing like that you haven't figured out before if you are depressed go to gym lift some weights eat healthy sleep 7 hours,Decent schedule helps you feel better but they do not solve anything after 6 months or something you hit a serious platou and depression strikes back.Having less braing fog seems fun until you realize why your brain had fog to protect you from overthinking, meditation seems good until it isn't.Antidepressants makes your brain so slow that when you play 5 minute chess games your opponent wins with 2.5 minute time difference you cannot follow conversations or enjoy good emotions antidepressants makes you less sad but they also makes you less enjoyable. | 1 |
I feel like I’m just killing time until I get to see my kids | I’m a divorced dad of two amazing girls. They’re 7 and 4 and absolutely wonderful. I love seeing them - they stay over once every other Saturday and I spend Sunday with them on the weeks they don’t stay over.
As wonderful as they are, though, the rest of my life feels empty, dull and, as dramatic as this sounds, intolerable. I have a small circle of friends, but they have families and don’t have much time to spare. Hobbies don’t really interest me and whilst I feel lonely, social anxiety means I hide myself away.
Any positive words would be greatly appreciated. | 3 |
Functional dyspepsia | Functional dyspepsia
Functional dyspepsia
I''m diagnosed with functional dyspepsia but do you know other illness that can cause "only" chronic nausea and brain fog, lightheadness ? Today for example all the morning was very very hard with NAUSEAS and have nothing eat since 20 before so i fasted like 16-17h and when i finish eating i was better
I don't understand why i'm better with eating because GP or Functional dyspepsia should be worse after eating... i have New tests, blood ok, all urine test was ok but i have very acid phmetry | 2 |
I am starting to hate being around my parents and family | Background info I am 22 years old and I still live at home with my parents. I have struggled with depression,anxiety, and other mental health issues for as long as I can remember and have gotten help over the years from therapy,psychiatrists, trying different medications, but nothing has seemed to really help. I should be more grateful that I even have the resources to get help. My parents are not abusive at all sometimes I actually feel like I don’t deserve them. It’s like they’re too good. I feel like sometimes I’ve been so spoiled I can take things for granted. Which then just creates guilt. Idk I don’t wanna get super into my mindsets because I don’t even fully understand why I think the way I do and that is even more infuriating. I have so much guilt. So much guilt that I need to be better. Not only for myself but for my parents. I feel as if I’ve failed them. I try not to wallow in my own self pity but ide be lying to say that I haven’t. Most of my life I’ve struggled with that and I blame the depression for that bigtime. It’s hard to view anything in my life in a completely positive light because it’s like my brain physically will not let me. I am no longer on medications and haven’t been for around 3 years now I wanna say. All the medications seemed to do was make me worse. I do love my parents and my family they’re very supportive great people. Obviously their not perfect, no one is. For the past couple of years now I’ve noticed myself isolating from every relationship in my life. This includes friends. I don’t feel connected to anyone and if I do it’s very fleeting. I’ve also recently have developed a lot of anger and frustration. I’ve always bottled up my emotions my entire life, I’ve laughed alone, cried alone, wanted to die alone. I know it’s a horrible coping mechanism but growing up has only made me realize I’ve always done this, even as a small child. I’ve neglected my own self care for so long because I didn’t know how to care for myself. I still don’t. I have a better idea and there’s things I want to do for myself but they feel impossible. I never want to leave my room I don’t want to see my parents. Sometimes I even feel like I just hate them. But I can’t admit that because I don’t hate them I know I’m just f*cked up in the head. There’s so much guilt tho. I feel like I’m wasting my time and I know they’re not gonna be here for much longer. Spesh my dad, he’s 72 and has a lot of health problems. Chrones disease, ptsd, and COPD just to name a few. I hate admitting these things bc it hurts so bad but I find myself resenting both of my parents and I don’t know why. That’s the part that makes it more painful because I have these feelings but can’t understand where they stem from. Like I said I was never abused and there’s seriously no seeming reason why I should feel this way. I just feel like I’ve really just gone crazy. I’m not looking for any sympathy I guess I just needed to rant. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. Time to go back to therapy probably. Though it doesn’t seem to really help much just makes me more confused. | 2 |
Hard to think of the future with suicidal thoughts | I've been going through this sort of cycle since high school, I think. I got out of it for a bit during college, but sank back into it, especially after graduating. I find it hard to think of the future because often times I just think about what's the next goal post I'm okay with going to (or feel like I have to go to) before I off myself. Especially with recent trauma and the loss of my dad, I'm just thinking about how I'd rather not get close to people or make deep commitments that can hurt people if I don't fulfill them. Maybe slowly phase out of the lives of people I know so it's harder to notice when I disappear. It's kind of working, even - fewer and fewer people are talking to me on a regular basis. That's not a good thing for the "long-term", but it was also what I intended, I suppose.
I figure I'll fuck things up anyway, so why bother? Relationships (platonic or otherwise), work prospects, etc. I know that's a very fixed mindset, but I don't know. Every time I talk myself out of it, I either sink back into it or talk myself back into it. It's cruel to say, but I feel like for the most part, me and my family are all twisted scum and likely unable to truly live normal lives. Especially considering that we failed to keep our dad alive. That's probably not a fair thing to say, especially because I know some of my family work hard to do what they think is right. But I don't know, it just seems like we're all doomed to fail in one way or another. I think of samskaras - emotional and mental patterns that affect us later in life. It seems like no matter what happens, I feel like I can observe these endless loops that me and my family go through. Like we're being played with like puppets. Like there's no end to our self-induced suffering nor the emotional pain we may we inflict on others. It feels like nothing truly changes, despite all the years.
What is the worth of my life if I can't give more than I take? If my weakness causes me to fail over and over at the expense of others? If I need more help than I can give? If I always end up hurting or alienating someone, even with good intentions? I've been told that human life is inherently valuable, but I have such a hard time buying into that. Maybe it's because of the household I grew up in, but I feel like I must give before I can take. And I cannot give enough, anyway. At best I can try to look like I'm giving as a fumble around and mess up in private. I don't think there's much worthwhile I can accomplish, let alone something that someone else couldn't do better.
I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by posting this. Just needed somewhere to get it aired out, I guess. | 1 |
27 M, 10 years of depression, considering giving up due to body image issues and lack of social opportunities, giving a nightmare-fuel inducing experience to my mother all these years | I will write this now that I have a relatively peacefully mind state. I'm considering giving up entirely although I have had my moments of joy lately. But I am realizing the suffering for those scarce moments are not worth it.
My parents are fed up with my bullshit. They won't tolerate it much longer, I think. My mother specially just won't listen to me anymore and will guilt-trip the fuck out of me for everything. She consistently tells me everyday that a 10 year depression is too much and that I probably will not get better and will not overcome my issues.
I have terrible body and facil dysmorphia. I don't think it is fair to call it dysmorphia, as I am riddled with stretch marks, love handles, and a pencil dick (I have pictures in my profile).
I long for a romantic relantionship and passionate relationship with a girl I would consider pretty and kind. I won't ever settle for anything less, I have lived through a 3-year relationship and it was an emotional hell for many reasons, but partially because I convinced myself that I REALLY didn't deserve a kind person.
But such a girl will never last long with me. The sex would be trash. With so many guys that are jacked, have abs, are more tall and 10x more handomse, guaranteed her pussy would dry up upon seeing me. And I have a long skinny penis that she wouldn't feel at all compared to a big dildo or a thicker penis. She wouldn't settle for long, but my emotional scarring would be there as long as I live.
I live in a small town with no social opportunities. I can't even bring this up with my parents because they will start shouting at me saying that they know "many" (more like two persons) with "a lot of friends" there, and that it's 100% my fault, not taking into account that I lived through school and highschool being bullied because of my body, face and nerdy hobbies. They won't listen and will go back to the rethoric of people they know having friends.
I actually have a good friend, but he is in the same situation as me (less severe, I think, but still pretty fucked up) and although I love him dearly, I can't sustain my lifestyle while having one only friend. He is pretty introvert to boot, which I respect but lately it isn't helping considering that I DESPERATELY NEED validation, cheery conversations and things that bring new blood into my life. With him I have to carry 95% of conversations, which is not a problem when I am in a cheery mood but those moments are rare. Lately being with him can feel depressing because I have to do all the "work" and try to be cheerful when deep down I just want to disappear and I desire to just never have been born, for am I a burden to everyone around me.
Got a few acquaitance but they rarely want to meet up. They don't even care when I am feeling well or not, believe. It makes no difference. It's like I'm invisible, no one seems to care.
My older brother got divorced and became "redpilled" and he is insufferable now. He just talks to me about improving my body and finances to get those "slutty" (as he call them) women, he can't talk about anything more that gaining more money and "improving as a man" Deep down, he is just as insecure as me if not more, and is giving my mother equally as bad headaches.
I'm going to Japan with an online friend in August, and I intend to go, but I think that will be the final nail in the coffin. When I return I don't think I will be able to carry with this shitty life any longer.
Also tomorrow morning I will visit my therapist for one last session. I will discuss her matters that I haven't talked with her like having a pencil dick. I don't know if she will kick me out, but nothing she says will convince me that I'm desirable. It's just rooted too deep inside me by years of being bullied, social media and hatred towards men that don't fit beauty standards by women as well as men. And everyone absolutely hates thin dicks like mine, no words will convince me otherwise... but deep down I wanna believe that I'm worth, more than anything. It's just... so painful to think otherwise at the moment. I couldn't believe anything other than myself being a genetic disaster for more than 10 years (it takes back to my childhood)... probably nothing will convince me, ever.
Don't think anyone will read this, but I needed venting. Sorry for the shitty grammar and dry writing, english is not my first language.
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I want out. | I'm tired of this bullshit world and it's bullshit problems and it's bullshit people. I can't find a well paying job in this expensive as shit area so i'm stuck renting rooms in houses with 7 other people. Funny thing nobody ever tells you about being an adult is that nobody gives a fuck really unless it benifets them somehow. Family doesn't even understand or give a shit about how fucked the job and housing market is for young people. Asshole uncle in law with a diagnosed personality disorder decides to bully me into moving out of my aunt's house just because I don't want anything to do with his manipulative gaslighting ass. Dumb ass management at my bullshit job always have to change something and make things harder. Asshole coworkers who don't give a fuck about thier stupidity fucking up your job. I just want out of this fucking slow hell they call being an adult I never asked for any of this. | 3 |
i think i’m done. i can’t get any relief or help. | i’m just really struggling. i keep failing treatments and we had set up to try ketamine therapy, but there’s a nation wide shortage now and a week before i start i get a call saying that we have to postpone and they have no idea when it’ll be over. i’m just so tired. i’m at my breaking point with everything, i have to move in less than a week and i can’t even get out of bed to pack. moving back in with my abuser. and now i can’t even start treatments. i’m really ready to call it quits. i have no more energy or anything left at all. | 2 |
I am worthless | I look at the mirror and look deep into my eyes every day and I say “ You are worthless, there is no one more worthless than you. You are a piece of sh-t that has no value. You don’t matter and nor should you.” | 2 |
I keep falling apart | I am in my mid-20s. Never had a job. Failed college. I am in therapy.
I am very much ashamed of myself. I have a medical condition. It's not an uncommon condition, and it's not a "serious" condition either; it doesn't have any negative effects on my health other than pain. The pain gives me anxiety attacks from time to time because I can't stop it and I can't withstand it.
I used to have anxiety attacks because of the pain. I am a weak person, because I can't withstand the pain. I let it get to me.
I recently got back to the college, trying to get my degree. I am lazy, I always have been. I guess we could say that mentally I am really a spoiled baby. After the college started, the pain got worse. The two aren't really connected as far as I can tell. I was trying to push myself to study so that I won't fail.
This is how I failed for the 1001th time.
I can't handle the pain. It's not bad. People go through much worse. I am quite certain that the only reason the pain is having an effect on my life is because I am weak and I was spoiled by my parents as a child so I never grew up. So, me being a lazy pig, the first thing I dropped was my studies. Then I stopped attending a few classes. Then a few more. After a few weeks, I was unable to leave the house, because I needed to be at home to deal with the pain.
Again, it is not actually that bad. It feels really bad to me but I know that this can't be an excuse. There are others with the same condition as me and they are doing much better. They are responsible. I choose not to be responsible. But the pain breaks me. I feel hollow. I feel like this pain is an acid and over time it took over my life and corroded me inside; I feel hollow. I don't know what to say. Why can't I deal with this painful condition like others can? I hate myself and I am ashamed of myself. It is so humiliating to find out how little control I have over myself. How spoiled and disgusting I am. How weak and pathetic.
Not going to school and feeling guilty is easier on the short term. In the long term it is much worse. Is it because I can't prioritize long term rewards over short term?
I can't even keep brushing my teeth. I ask myself, what's the point? The pain will break me down again. It will take forever to put the pieces back together. Why should I try to do anything?
I am also constantly irritated. It puts a strain on my relationship with my family. This is not acceptable. They do not deserve my moodiness. They do not deserve someone like me in general. I fail at everything. I can't even brush my teeth. I tried it more than 200 times and I am not exaggerating.
Everytime I try to build myself, the structure keeps falling apart.
I used to sometimes hit my sister until I was 12. My father is an angry person. He yelled at us quite often. One night, when I was 12, he beat my mom. I did nothing. I betrayed my family when they needed me.
We moved in with my grandparents for a year after that. I remember feeling like a monster; I was doing the same thing that my father did to my mom to my sister. Ever since then I have these images of a mutilated version of myself pop up in my vision occasionally. I look like a human from the outside but I am a monster on the inside. I am in my mid-20s now and the last time I touched anybody in any physical way was more than 13 years ago. By looking like a human I am lying to people around me. I should look like a monster.
I can't think better. I can't do better. I must do better. | 1 |
SAD | I haven't been here for long time.
Life has turned to grey, no more colours. I have been disappointed by numerous of people, including ex, parents, sister, and also the gov dept, staff in uni.
I always said I don't need anyone because all they given to me is disappointment . .they are good at apologizing and promising but are they doing anything for real? No, they are covering their ass and covering their guilts.
If I don't have to deal with anyone in this world .. I will be happier.. | 1 |
feeling the lowest I have in months | Lost alot of will to live this month and I just feel so unloved, my parents don't care that I'm sleeping rough ,none of my family will talk to me directly , my ex partner hates me , I feel like there's nothing left to live for and I'm scared I won't see the end of the year the way being homeless is effecting my health in such a rapid way , iv lost almost 50 percent of my body weight too its so overwhelming and heartbreaking nit even having a friend to open up to without judgment | 0 |
[long rant] living with people who don't understand depression | sorry for the long rant I don't care if no one reads it I just need to get this off my chest
19F. I started living with my sister and her husband for a "change in environment". They are tired of dealing with me since I'm depressed and wake up late, don't eat, etc. I want to go back to my home, because I dont want to be a burden in their house.
They want to help me and are concerned about me, but my brother in law is very tough and told me dome stuff that made me start crying histerically. He told me that I need to change my habits, exercise, that I haven't even suffered in my life like he had to so I didn't have a reason for being like this, that I threw away already a good opportunity (dropped out of med school) and that I couldn't throw away another opportunity of being better.
I started crying and telling them I didn't like myself and that I thought there wasn't any hope for me. My sister cried and hugged me, and she told me that she was sorry for not understanding. and that there was hope for me. Her husband doesn't believe in depression and thinks that one has to "just get over it". My sister is more understanding to me. I just want to go back to my home, I know my brother in law says that my parents are too soft with me but I prefer being with them. They make me happy and give me hope to live. He just makes me feel guilty as if I don't feel guilty and like a piece of shit already. He's also yelled at me for "smelling weird" and told me to take care of my higiene. I shower everyday and use deodorant, perfume, brush my teeth, etc. so I felt pretty bad obviously becauseI always try my best to look presentable and smell good.
I just feel scared to leave bc I don't want to strain my relationship with my sister. Keep in mind that I'm latina so it's not that simple to leave your family. I'm just so tired of bringing problems wherever I go. I just wish I was someone else so I didn't have to deal with all the trouble I cause. I don't know what to do... I want to tell my mom but I don't want to cause more problems bc she is going to get mad at them and tell me to go back to my home with her. For now we compromised that I'm going to wake up early and help my sister and brother in law to learn some English (since I want to study foreign languages and possibly become an English teacher) so that I'm not going around in the house doing nothing. let's see how it goes... | 1 |
I'll starve myself for some days cuz i'm fat, ugly and got no talents. Since the weight is the only thing i can change i needa cope thru starving :) | I wanna lose 10kg by the end of this months so wish me luck. I will only drink water. i know i will encounter fainting, extreme hunger, headache and maybe even pass out but idgaf :)) i did 30 day water "fasts" before. | 1 |
Really really triggered right now | I'm really struggling right now with so many things. And I feel like I don't know what to do. I just failed 4 of my degree exams. And 2 of them I knew I'd be resitting, but 2 of them I know I passed. I know I did better than how I was scored, and I find it really funny that they were both marked by someone who told me they'd already decided I was a failure before I walked in and took it, and encouraged me to drop out.
I wrote an e-mail to my head of department and I said you have no idea how much I put into this, Hours and hours of work on everything. I did so so much of practice paper work that I walked in to some of those exams and actually knew exactly what the answer should look like, I did so much that I actually remembered some of the answers. So I find it very coincidental that my surprise fails were only on modules marked by the lecturer who told me nothing I did would be enough to pass and I should drop out.
It's really getting me down because I am a good person and it's caused tensions at home. My mum shouted at me, for example. But I dont understand what I've done to deserve being a failure, and I sent them an e-mail asking why I'm now someone who wont pass those modules when I know I did. I did way too many practice questions to not pass.
I feel like there's no point in studying again because if they've already decided I'm a failure then why bother. All I've heard since I failed is how shit I am, all I've heard is that I'm terrible, I've been screamed at, I've been told 'one more slip up and you're done, it's all over' by my family, if I can't pass again, I genuinely think that might be the end of my family speaking to me.
I'm under so much stress right now, and I'm going through so much and I'm in so much trouble, and it's making me so unhappy. Even my dad looked at it and said 'jeez, thats really harsh considering how much practice you did, I cant believe you'd score that low with how much time you spent studying'.
I tried my very very hardest I really did, and now i'm like the butt of the joke because i couldn't pass. I've been made into the punchline of the family jokes because I couldn't do it. I'm so unhappy and I'm so stressed and so tired, I'm driving myself insane wondering what I did wrong. I really dont understand what more I could've done and it's driving me insane.
I'm back staying with my Dad and his partner and they're planning their wedding which is for my birthday. So I spend a lot of time listening to them be happy and have fun, i spend a lot of time sitting at the side of the room listening to 'what about this song? what about these decorations?'. And I'm sitting alone and I'll be going alone and being alone for it, I'm being sent away early so that they can have some time with my stepsister without me there.
I'm really depressed right now and I really don't know how to shift it, I dont know how to make it better. I feel like shit, and I dont know how to make things better | 3 |
I suddenly feel hopeless again with no apparent reason | As the title says.
How do you get rid of this feeling? | 1 |
It’s so difficult | Have been in a bad condition since I got hurt by a terrible person, crying all the time, and the depression when just waking up is the worst.
Meanwhile the person who hurt me is living a good life, and seeing this makes me even more depressed.
Do bad people eventually get what they deserve? :( | 7 |
Everything has fallen apart and all I can think now is killing myself | Hello I’ve never posted like this but this is about all I have left so where to start. I was in a serious relationship for about 2 years. Before my ex no one ever showed interest to me romantically. But I did have a big crush on one of my friends for years but I tried that and she turned me down but I kept those feeling for years and it hurt to see her date other people and talk about what she does with them.
That’s when I meet my ex she was super nice and beautiful and she made me really happy. So we talk and we got to dating she made me so happy in ways I never could of imagined she was my first for everything she also took my v-card and I did the best I could. Then she started to bring up breaking up about 3 months before we did. and at first I thought it was bc she was mad about something but it kept happing and eventually I told her I wanted to go to the same college as her that’s when she said we needed to break up.
At first I begged her not to but then she agreed not to. But she offered a break and I agreed hoping she would need time to relax and get better. But one day she told me she didn’t want us getting back together and it destroyed my heart. I didn’t understand why but she said she wanted to work on her self but we could be fwb. Still loving her I agreed so for 2 weeks we’re fwb. Then she randomly stops and I ask why. she told me we can’t be fwb I ask why she doesn’t tell me. Later she told me she’s talking to a new guy and we can’t do anything together. Even though it destroyed me I supported her and helped her. But one day she blocked me on everything and I freak out and ask why she told me bc she’s dating the new guy. She even wanted me to join a ft with her and the new guy so still loving her I agreed and all I got was him saying how he’s gonna treat her good and all that. so I tell her I still want to talk to u even if we can’t date and she told me how she never loved me and how it’s annoying that I still care and that I used her and she met her love of her life and that I was just a memory. These things destroyed me and I started cutting myself for not being enough for her. I lost my v-card near the end of the relationship so I asked her if she didn’t love me why take my v-card why take that experience away from me. She just ignored me even in person when I asked she went silent. She later told me that we both wanted it. And it shouldn’t matter if she didn’t love me. So my cutting got worse and worse and all I could think about was killing myself. I told my friends what happened and if I could go see them and they agreed and it helped a little but then they ghost me on everything and I ask why I call them I veneer go to there house. Nothing they tell me that I abandoned them when I was in my relationship and the only reason they hung out with me was bc I played the suscide card. So I lost my friends my gf and now I have nothing I just want to die so bad and have already attempted but failed I just cry every night now and just hope to never wake up and I also found out my dad isn’t my real dad so there’s that to I just can’t anymore I’ve lost everything | 5 |
Not sure what to do. | I get lonely when im not chatting with anybody. Usually i would chat with my sister but recently too many things happen and she needs time off or maybe she just got tired of me. I refuse to go on dating apps or games or anything else because I have zero energy to introduce myself to strangers.
But without anyone to talk to, its really difficult to pass my days. Nights get extremely long too. I dont even know if what im saying makes sense. But i really dont know what to do. Everyone seems okay being busy with their life and they are enjoying. Cant lie, i do envy them sometimes.
Nothing is working out. I tried getting my body tired by overworking and exercise after working hours but i still crave to talk to someone. Share memes, stupid jokes etcetcetc. Sigh. Lonely lonely lonely. | 2 |
I’m in a great deal of pain. Idk what to do. | Hey all, I’m just a humble redditor, but trauma I’ve sustained over the course of the last 2 years has left me in what feels like a void of my own despair. And I feel I need somewhere to vent
Some backstory, I’m a Man (24), & I’ve been struggling with overwhelming sense of depression that comes in waves since I was 22. But the waves are so strong I almost can’t live with the pain. I used to be a positive individual, who could see anything from a positive lens. But I just can’t like I used to, I believe I’m having an overwhelming sense of depression.
My dad died in 2021, and as a young man it rocked my foundation. He was my best friend. My ex girlfriend of 5 years (21 at the time) grew cold towards me after he passed, but told me she’d be there for me.
Note: I’m by no means a perfect human being, but I did my best to be there for her since we were kids. Her parents called her a whore, belittled her and manipulated her constantly. I stood by her side when she was at her lowest, held her up and constantly affirmed her, work out trauma with her, and prayed with her. I just really loved her, unlike I ever loved anyone else.
After my dad’s passing, I lost my way, I was more quiet. Fell back on responsibilities a bit (not doing the dishes when it was my turn, I was bit more messy cause my brain was just gone after losing my pops.) But she began to exacerbate the smallest problems and starts stone walking me and our communication suddenly deteriorated. I couldn’t really react to all the chaos though, I was so overwhelmed and felt lost.
We moved back home to Atlanta from Los Angeles 3 months after my dad. I had to help take care of my grandma, who’s losing her mind rapidly, because my dad was gone. Seeing my grandma in that state was overwhelming because she raised me but It seemed like things were getting better with me and my girl. We had our own house and a big family of 3 dogs and our Persian cat. I mean it was a young couples dream situation. No arguments, I began picking up after myself again, just trying to listen to the little problems she had. She then took a trip to her home country of the Dominican Republic for 10 days.
When she returned suddenly things got BAD. She began raising her voice at me over the smallest things. I mean SMALL. Like I didn’t rinse out toothpaste out of the sink right after I used it and she LOST it on me. With her family in our home. I had to go to the other bathroom and I cried from being overwhelmed.
Then 7 days after she got back one morning I woke to her on the couch crying. She continued to yell at me suddenly about how it’s all my fault and I’m the reason she isn’t where she wants to be. I don’t mean to be a victim, but it all felt so overwhelming, having felt like I was trying so hard to bounce back from my dads death and trying to be a better man for her.
She yelled at me, telling me for hours how bad I am, and how she wanted to go, so I said you’re not my slave and I never treated her as such, she can go. And she did.
She treated me heartlessly this past year since, never reached out, never cared about me. I only reached out because I cared for her well-being and asked how she was, but she treated me with rudeness, contempt and heartlessness. And only hit me up to tell me to give her money or have my mom help her get a jeep.
She said she’d never leave me, and when I needed patience and was at my lowest she left me, and forgot about me as if I was nothing. I felt abandoned and still do, like I’m inadequate, not good enough and it’s all just my fault. It’s like not only my dad died, but she died and I did too.
I’ve never felt more isolated or alone. Life feels so hard sometimes. Whenever I tell someone they tell me “go to the gym, move on, eat healthy” etc. I guess as a man the answer is stfu and be a man. I do all this self help stuff. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in and have prioritized being ok alone, took therapy. But the the pain of this emotion feels so deep is so overwhelming, idk what to do.
I also feel an overwhelming sense that I still miss her so much. It all feels like pain.
TLDR; I’m having crushing waves of depression since my dad passed away and my ex left me at my lowest. | 1 |
Alone | If anyone even ever comes across this I think they would have felt this feeling where feeling sad and depressed almost feels good, it feels comfortable. If you’re still feeling that don’t worry, it doesn’t stay forever. But that’s the problem, nothing replaces that feeling. Nothing. It felt like in the matter of a day a switch flipped.it was slowly fading, That feeling became less comforting. While not finding comfort in sadness you also don’t find motivation in getting help. And then you can’t stand the people around you, you can’t eat your food in peace, you don’t want to walk around, you don’t want to think anymore, you don’t want to die but you also do. Everything becomes non-rewarding. It’s not fun anymore. I’m just a machine and doing my passion is just another program, talking to people is just another chore. All of the things you previously experienced joy with don’t feel the same. And today I tried explaining this. I felt like a freak. “You’re not supposed to feel this for your age” “normal kids dont even think” “you don’t need to feel this way” “kids your age have to feel fulfilled in what they get because they have no control” “you have too much control” (btw I’m 15, I know this makes my post cringey but please hear me out I have no where to turn). I don’t doubt their intention was pure butThey just told me I was controlling and it just made me feel so shameful. Now I’m ashamed and scared to share how I feel. Because I can’t disprove anything they’re saying, I can’t disprove that I’m controlling but I know in my hearts of hearts that it’s not about me having control.I don’t know where my depression stems from and nor do I care, I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so lost. I’m tired , I just want to be alone. I don’t want anything anymore | 1 |
Spent my whole paycheck on DoorDash even though I was trying to save it up | I just don't feel good. I like food, food makes me happy. I can't stop buying junk food whenever I feel sad. I just haven't been feeling too great these past few weeks, nothing makes sense to me anymore. I feel like a fool. I don't want to be depressed anymore. Food is only temporary happiness, I don't know how to be happy. I need help. I don't feel like I'm in control anymore. I feel like all my actions are the result of my depression, all my bad habits | 21 |
I ruined myself | I fucking hate myself. I became the person I never wanted to be. I just want to end all of this. Maybe one day, I'll just get drunk and jump off a bridge. I cannot be fixed anymore. I'm a poison. I'm destroying everything. I just badly want to end all of this. | 2 |
I don’t think I’ll accomplish anything | Every step of my life I’ve thought “maybe the next step is when it’ll get good” but I’m always able to fail. It’s not worth trying anymore and I can’t only hope that something happens to me before I live to the end. I’m a sad and alone 20 something who was born from a sad and alone kid and the only thing that will change is that I will get older and sadder. Maybe then people won’t be so polite, and they’ll call me as pathetic as they treat me. | 2 |
I don’t want anything anymore | Is it weird that I don’t want anything in life?
There genuinely isn’t anything that I want. I don’t want friends anymore, nor do I want a girlfriend, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to work, I don’t want money, I don’t want to drink, I don’t want to game, I don’t want to watch movies, shows, or YouTube, I don’t want social media, I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything.
Life has hit me so hard lately that I lost all motivation to do anything.
I just want to sit and do absolutely nothing until my time is up.. I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone and stop expecting me to do something.. I just want to be alone without anyone bothering me.. is that too much to ask for? | 266 |
Nobody cares about me | When I broke up with my exboyfriend I saw that everyone in our religion gave him support but not me. I felt like I was nothing and even some people started criticizing about the breakup. I seek professional help but they didn't help me either only traumatized me, I still feel so alone and I have no friends I'd give everything for people I love but they just dont care so I'm lonely | 2 |
I have 5 backlogs | So, I am currently in 3rd year of my college. And last year I had 5 backlogs in order to be promoted I have to clear them in july only. It’s stressful I am just unhappy. Reason for my backlogs is not I failed in exam it’s because I failed to appear in exam. I never appeared for exams. | 1 |
Battling extreme fatigue and muscle weakness | Anyone else suffer with chronic fatigue and tiredness as a result of depression? It's so bad I'm always tired no matter how much sleep I get. Its affecting my work life badly because I can't perform at my best. I have to take a 5 hour energy shot just to get me through work or day to day otherwise I'd be at home sleeping all day. | 57 |
Am not feeling ok | I wanna have a conversation with a stranger just idk why am 15yrs old and am still struggling with my old trauma s | 1 |
Another day, more misery | I feel so tired constantly. | 1 |
44M - Depression help although I wouldn't call it Depression. It's just my life. The medical profession labels it. | This post may be long because right now I need some support. I might ramble. This note is firstly to myself as well as to anyone who is reading it. Im 44 yrs old, and have been living with "Depression" "Anxiety" literally my entire life. I come from a typical white American family whoever. I don't see colors. It's always been a problem. As a child I would be awkward, but play with anyone. Even after being bullied. In 5th grade I had 1 friend if I was lucky. All throughout school i hated class, but loved to learn. I still only had maybe 1 friend. I flunked out of college, fought to fit in, I faked it all and never took the chance to actually learn who I am. So I've learned over 3 years time that there isnt anything wrong with me on the outside. But on the inside I analyze mostly everything around me. I can't help it. It keeps me seperate. I feel smart and dumb almost at the same time. Now im 44 and certain im on the spectrum based on my patterns. At work im detail oriented. At home I'm a mess unless someone is around. I like to keep others happy which drains the soul. Im not happy at work. I have this idea in my head of the life i want. I know it's achievable. But I'm not going to get there working Monday-Friday 7-3. I won't get there jobless either. I love data and oddly numbers even though the used to give me headaches and make me cry. I was a remedy clerk at a warehouse a very good one too since i understood the process and am detail oriented. Now Im a lab analyst. Again I'm good at it because im detail oriented. But its not really for me. I'm just bored there. I loved being a remedy clerk, but hated the disrespect. What kind of options would a person think I might have for work and my skillset or work from home without a degree. | 3 |
I'm tired of living the same day everyday | All I do every day is get up, go to work, come back home, have dinner, sleep, wake up, and repeat for the next day. I haven't done anything interesting in a long time. I have no one to talk to. I've never had a boyfriend, and the only friend I have is married and busy with her life, while I sit here in my room doing nothing. I have no motivation to pursue my interests as they all seem uninteresting to me. Everyone I know is married or with kids or travelling and doing something interesting while I'm here lonely and tired and bored to death. I don't even have it in me to survive this any longer. | 80 |
Hey peeps, i need advice and your help | Hello, i'm (F-20) (English is my second language so sorry if there’s a mistakes) I recently just moved to the states and now I live together with my fiance (M-22). Back in my home country, I have 7 cats. After I moved here I had to leave them and the first week I moved to America I felt homesick it’s been almost 6 months and i’m still homesick. I thought that I was homesick because I was far away from my cats and my family. For several weeks, I discussed with my fiancé, he suggested whether we should adopt a cat to help me not to be homesick anymore. He asked me at that time, he said “do you want to?” “I’m okay with that as long as you take care of the cat while i’m at work.” I didn’t give him the answer right away, it took me almost 3 weeks to finally made a decision. I was a little doubtful, and i’m scared to deal with it because i have anxiety issue and really bad overthinking. But over time I felt that I really should have a cat to accompany me. Because my fiancé works every day until 6-7, I'm at home most of the time alone, and I only have a college class schedule every Wednesday and Friday and I have no friends yet even though i already started the summer semester.
A week ago I finally had the courage to adopt a cat. Even before the cat arrived, my fiancé had bought a lot of necessities for the cat, such as cat towers, food, toys and so on. Long story short, we finally signed the dossiers for adoption. I was very excited and again a bit scared and we finally brought the cat home. The first day as always I had to do homework, chores and other things, there was nothing strange or something made me overwhelmed. Until suddenly at night I felt sad and cried, i missed home, my sister, the food, and what’s worse is that the cat can’t sleep alone, she keeps meowing, i worried about her so i keep her company until 2am. The next day i was really tired because of school,lack of sleep,homework, some projects and work. And yes, i cried again, i missed home, i love my fiance and i do want to be with him but this is somehow really hard for me😭 and i felt really overwhelmed. In my mind i was like “am I wrong to adopt this cat?” “did I need to take a long time to adapt to her or am I really too hasty in making decision?” It’s completely like a hard time for me.
I don't want to talk to my partner for now about what I feel. I mean he do knows that sometimes i cried when i feel homesick. I’m scared, because he is the one who supported me financially while I’m here and also during the process of adopting this cat. I’m scared and I'm afraid he will be disappointed, but I don't know why all of a sudden I feel this way. I feel really really awful right now and i don’t know what to do😭Am i wrong? or maybe there is something else that makes me like this? i don't know😭
I hope you guys can help me to answer all this and give me suggestions.
By the way the cat is fine, even though i’m a bit frustrated right now but i treat her well.
Thank You | 2 |
I think my parents are depressed, but I don't know how to help them | - we were rich 10 years ago then the economy fucked us. We're still privileged but barely getting by.
- my siblings left the country over the past 5 years. And I just got married so I moved out a few months ago. But we all talk to my parents regularly and I visit them weekly and my siblings visit the country 1-2 times a year and stay with them.
- my dad feels like he failed at life because he "didn't accomplish anything" or so he thinks. He was an artist at heart but chased money instead. 30 years later he regrets it.
- my mom is too selfless for her own good. She does everything for my dad and nothing for herself. And she's unhappy about it. Always complaining.
- the house is a mess when I visit them.
- they haven't had a happy marriage for a couple of years and my dad used to be verbally aggressive 10 years ago with all of us. He's calmed down because he's older now (almost 70).
- we tried sending my dad to therapy about 5 years ago but he refused.
- they seem to be living in a state of denial. They get moments/bursts of joy but that's it.
I hate to see them depressed. Will money solve their problem? I plan on giving them $1k every month when I can afford to. Maybe that way they can travel more and sell the spacious empty apartment and move into something cozier. I just want them to be happy. Especially since I'm planning on leaving the country as well. | 1 |
My best friend is gonna love | He’s my only friend and he’s gonna move to a different town it’s not that far but I still feel shorty cause he’s my only friend and the only friend I’ll ever have and I know this it the first step to losing him and never seeing him again we are already drifting apart and soon I’ll be all alone and I just wanna kill myself so I don’t have to experience being truly alone | 1 |
Я в ахуе | Привет Вам, если меня кто-нибудь читает, так хочется любви и заботы, чувствовать себя кому то нужным, но к сожалению, человек с изьяном в виде хромой ноги и в добавок ещё и гей, никому не нужен. | 4 |
Every day I feel more like a failure, more fed up with being the way I am. | I've only tried to get ahead in life. And in everything, I have failed. I'm lonely, depressed, terrified of going back to work after my medical leave. and without hope
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I hope it all ends soon | 2 |
I want to unsubscribe from the world | I want to unsubscribe myself from life and I don't know what to do anymore have no friends have no family and my wife cheated on me and is still talking to him after 1 &1/2 months | 1 |
falling back into a depressive episode | things seemed to be going well. i was happy with myself, proud even. i used to be suicidal, how did i work my way up to having good friends and a great partner and regularly studying and going out
but it's getting bad again. feeling so insecure and demotivated and tired. nothing seems interesting anymore. i honestly can't say i would care if i didn't finish my law degree. let me lie in bed all day again. everyone feels so far away | 3 |
Help me please | In 2021 I made a plan to kill myself. I joined college when the pandemic hit, so everything was virtual. It made it convenient for my depression to get worse. Since it was online, I talked to zero people for 4 semesters (1.5 years) Since college reopened, things became a bit better. I was dreading coming on campus. I had prepared for the worst-- being alone.
I made efforts to talk to people and increase my pathetic GPA. I talk to people but it's all superficial. I have never had friends or felt as a part of community. Things at home have never been great. My parents used to fight all the time and now just tolerate each other. My father was never involved and my mother has her own issues. They had their own relationship and family problems because of which me and my brother never complained about our own troubles, because they seemed insignificant. But my parents aren't bad. They care about us, but were just diverted because of their own problems.
I was sexually abused once when I was younger by someone I trusted. I didn't realize the meaning of what happened until I was 17-18. I only knew what happened was bad. Since then am unable to trust anyone. Not even a therapist. This along with years of feeling alone and have no strong bonds with anyone led to my depression in 2021.
Now I have low self-esteem, occasional suicidal thoughts and a poor future to look forward to after graduation. I have no recollection of how I was before. I don't know if I never knew how to have fun or it's something that happened after depression. When I am with people I don't know what to say. I only respond.
Another thing that contributes to my anger is that I was always gotten less than what I deserve. And I don't have high expectations. Though I had great grades when in school, depression has ruined my opportunities. This ANGERS me because I will be STUCK AGAIN and get less than what I deserve. I worked SO HARD to get into this college but I RUINED my own chances. I AM SO BEHIND. I wanted to do good so that my mother could live with me. SO THAT SHE COULD BE HAPPIER. BUT I CAN'T GIVE HER THAT ANYMORE.
EVERYTHING I try to do is sooo Overwhelming that I want to stop but can't, because I cannot let my GPA FALL AGAIN.
How do I improve. I am so tired. | 1 |
Why can’t I just have a good month without self sabotaging and erupting | I’m trying my absolute best to get through life without weed and porn and video games. My relationship with God doesn’t make it any better I literally consider suicide even more when I “sacrifice” myself for him. All my life was about giving myself up for someone yet receiving absolutely nothing😔. Everyone says they have my best interest and yet they steal from me and replace it with breadcrumbs and false hope. I can’t even have a wife because of God because it’s “not in his will”. I’m really considering unaliving myself or just kinda falling back to weed at the least. I’m in dire need of help. I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired. | 30 |
(16M) My father died over a year ago, barely feel good since that, my grades in school are terrible and i skip classes very often, is it normal? | before any of u say that im irresponsible or something like that, trust me i try to do my best but most of the days i wake up and literally cant do anything, even with that i go to school almost every day but i still have skip many classes | 2 |
Hopeless | doubt this will get any traction but just need a place to spill: Graduated only a year ago, had my heart broken a few days after, then got into another relationship months apart from that ordeal heart broken again. I've been holding in a lot, it is also imperative to note I have OCD, anxiety and MDD; more than I can handle really. I sought therapy and there they unprofessional and dubiously coined me as schizophrenic, whilst prescribing me 4-5 different medications that only seemed to heighten my anxiety. It go so bad I wanted to escape work and just drench my pillows in my eye's blood. It was really that bad. Recently, i have as if my creative aspirations as being a poet, musician, and basically my love for life has dissipated. I feel like I honestly have little support from friends and family, and that they don't even know half of what i'm going through. My mind is always telling me i'm not anything but worthless, calling me untalented, and I've honestly been falling for it. My cognition has taken the brunt so bad I can't even remember what I had fastener to my mind a second before I thought of it. l've been very unproductive, but with the aid of self help videos i've been trying new things i.e cold showers, meditating) but that only seems so little of what is the crux of my problem. I'm also held back on the "waiting list" because America's healthcare system is fucked, and the place I'm going to I fear has no clue what they're doing either. I have more experiences with that place but in fear that I'm talking to a brick wall i'm going to save it unless someone wants to DM me. But I'm just so fucking sick now, I can't think logically, my creative brain has been fried, and the anger and self-hatred I have form myself has taken a blaze. Please help | 1 |
Im scared of pushing away the people I love without them I couldn’t keep going. | I’m convinced I’ll end up alone because no matter how good of a person I try to be all of my mental health issues just make me an unbearable person to be with. I don’t see how anyone could put up with someone who’s constantly flipping between extreme sadness and anger and total content happiness for no reason on a dime. Even my mom complains “I can’t say anything to you because I never know what’s going to set you off”. I don’t do it on purpose and I don’t want to do it at all. I feel like such an awful person being such a burden to people. I feel like I’m just waiting for the right time when no one will blame me for checking out and just accept that it was my time and I’d had too much. | 1 |
i am at the best point of my life and still want to kill myself | as the title says. i’m 19 years old, i just finished college and got amazing final grades. i have a loving girlfriend of 3 years, loving parents, i’m in great shape, have good friends, in a good place financially. i’ve struggled with bad depression and some substance abuse and SH before a few years ago due to some past trauma which is still so negligible compared to what others on this sub talk about. i feel so entitled and ungrateful living such a comparatively good life yet having these feelings. i don’t know why my depression is coming back when i’m at such a good point in my life. i genuinely want to fucking kill myself, like really badly. it’s so much worse when you know there’s not really a reason to feel like this. sorry if this post doesn’t belong here as my situation is nowhere near as bad as other people’s. i’m not here to seek attention or a reaction, i just want someone to talk to because it feels like i can’t relate to anyone and it feels fucking lonely. i feel guilty asking for help but thanks for taking the time to read this and hopefully commenting :) | 164 |
I don’t feel human anymore | These days I’ve been feeling like a monster under a human disguise. I think deep down I am a narcissistic and abusive person, maybe even psychopathic as well. I haven’t done any of this stuff, but I still feel like it. With that I feel the urge to isolate myself so I could control the “damage” I might do to others. I cry a lot, but now I feel nothing. I feel like I’m manipulating everyone, including myself. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t wanna live in perpetual fear of being “bad” or whatever, it’s not worth living like this. I think I need help | 1 |
Low self esteem body image issues | I've always had a lot of issues with low self esteem in general but especially when it comes to body image. Considering I've been scrawny, underweight, and short my entire life. I feel like I had kinda come to terms with to an extent and it became something that didn't constantly occupy my mind except a year ago I decided maybe working out might help give me some more confidence. At this point I've been consistent enough with it to where im actually seeing progress on my physique. except its only made me more insecure. I feel like when I look at myself all I can see are the things that are wrong with my body and the more I look the more things I seem to find. My self esteem has plummeted to where I was at pretty much at the worst points of my life. I don't know where to go from here | 2 |
Depression isn't just sadness, it's an unbearable pain | It's deep in your chest and it hurts so much it swallows you. You want to pull your heart out of your chest so it can finally stop. When you've been hurt your whole life by people around you including your family there comes a point in your life when you just can't bear with it anymore, you hit a wall. It's like someone repeatedly stabbing you in chest and you can't breathe anymore. It hurts so much you start to lose yourself. You resort to deliberately hurting yourself so you can put emotional pain under control. You lose hope and want to end it. But you make it out, somehow. You try to find happiness in small things like watching birds out of your window taking a bath in a puddle. That's how you distract yourself and give yourself a false sense of content. But it's still there waiting for a minor inconvenience. You lose hope, then regain it, then lose it again. It becomes perpetual. People keep putting you down over and over again... No one cares about you, they just want to see you hurt. And why should I fulfill their wishes? I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going. My body is deteriorating, just like my soul. I feel like at this point it's all an exercise in futility. No one really cares about your heart and soul and no one gives you a chance if you don't meet beauty standards. If you're ugly, you're not worth anyone's attention. And depression makes you even more ugly. It's taking toll on my body. I'm not blessed with good looks you know, the thing that matters the most. Not to me though. I've never felt mutual love in my life. But I'm so capable of love, it's right here. I have no one to give it to. My heart will explode. Today I wanted to go outside. I did my makeup and dressed myself. I stood in front of my mirror and thought: "No you're too ugly, you can't go outside like that". I removed my makeup and changed my clothes again. It just doesn't make sense anymore, really. I want to go but I can't. I'm stuck in limbo right now, I don't know what to do. I'm so incredibly lonely. Oh my god I'm such a loser I don't deserve to live. | 36 |
I am a piece of shit and I want to die. | To whom it may concern,
I blame none for this but myself. I felt as though I was the cause of many grievances of not only my own life, but the lives of those around me as well.
For this, I truly apologize.
I cannot clearly remember the number of times I've been overwhelmed with pure self-hatred.
However, I can remember the first time I wanted to kill myself very clearly. This is because I was rather young at the time, but still felt strongly that I did not deserve life.
I remember wanting help to resolve this feeling, so I left a drawing that portrayed how I felt for others to see.
The next thing I know my Mother told me that God would take away my life if I was not grateful for it.
While it is true that I wish I was brought up in a more stable environment, I am not blind to the sacrifices my Mother made in order to raise 3 children mostly by herself.
I felt the previous worth mentioning so there were no misunderstandings about how I felt about my Mother. I love my family, but I would not say I am fond of them because of their rejection of my identity.
It truly felt as though love was a function of utility and "success" when around them.
"At least one out of the three made it."
Something along the lines of "Everyone goes through shit. Being bipolar is just an excuse."
Only interaction: "Can I 'borrow' x amount of money?"
...chinks in the armor like the eroded belly of Gaia...
Day in and day out of nothing. A vicious cycle of laziness and greed. I wanted to prove myself but all I did was prove that I am not who I thought I could be. Just a much worse degenerate.
I found something to make it stop, if even just for a moment. But I had to stop because it made the sun set. And I lived for the sunrise.
When the whispers came back, I did not know what to do. There is a pit in my heart that I cannot see the bottom of. I fall back in and become surrounded by zero.
And the dark is so silent that I almost find it peaceful.
Regards,
\-Another person who did not deserve life | 5 |
How to navigate a needy and depressive friend? | Not even a close friend. I (41M) knew her husband through work and I don't even see him much, maybe twice since Covid. She has major mental health issues including a suicide attempt and was signed off work last year. She has two kids.
I met her for coffee once (her husband's idea) and she wanted to turn it into a day-long drinking session (I don't drink).
To say she overshares in an understatement, and there's nothing wrong with that per se, but I've found it draining and awkward for some time now. I think because I struggle with depression and sometimes overshare myself, people tend to latch on to me.
For example of how it gets too much, I told her I miss hugging in relationships (I've been single for a while) and she suggested we me up and hug (!!!) She also suggested going for a swim together. She's always texting me and wanting to hang out and I just cannot give that to her.
For added context, I have a very overbearing mother and whenever someone gets like this with me I'm perhaps reminded of that and want to run away.
I feel bad because obviously she is struggling. I'm not sure what I'm asking here exactly - "how do I get her off my back?" seems too callous. Any general tips on how I should handle this situation? | 1 |
Jesse Star Taylor | Hey friends,
If you need some help, I found a guy on insta/YouTube I think could help a bunch of people. His content is changing my life. Has a lot of focus on the brain, our compulsions and patterns, relationships etc
FYI I have no affiliation to him at all. His content is just super raw and kind of jolts you out of your own head and into the present
Hopefully this message finds someone and helps them too
EDIT:
I had the wrong order of his name it is 'star' first:
@starjessetaylor | 0 |
Help. | I just hit rock bottom, my wife and parents are mad at me for something i did, i have no friends to talk to, i basically pushed everyone away and now i feel alone. I dont want kill myself even though i want to, i dont want my wife to be alone but i feel all the problems came from me. Im so hard to deal with, i just dont want to exist anymore. I feel all of what im doing is making their life hard. That i am just a problem. I dont know what to do. I have no one to talk to. I cant just cry these problems and feelings away | 5 |
I'm 32. Im on the beach now. It's sweet place, but i would like to exit my life. | Ok, let's start. Im russian dued who was against war. Run from the country when it's started. Already then i felt very tired for a few years, but nowadays it's hard as fuck for me. My government started war which i never asked and whole world trying punch my in the face. Could blame them...
Living in Turkey now, donating money to Ukrainia, but my documents will expire soon, I can't doing my job properly cause I'm too dumb and incompetent, and my gf recommended me to visit psychology specialist. But what can i say them?
I have vacation now, i tried to bring my shit together to start being productive but just realized that i want to get out of it.
Gladly or unfortunately, i'm too covard to do something to myself so most likely i will continue my miserable life. | 1 |
I just want to die | I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want it all to be over. I don’t want to put and effort in to make things “better” it never works. They’re no point. I’ll always be where I am in life stuck here forever. I want to die. The thought of never waking up again is comforting. A quick easy death. It just being over in a blink of an eye, a pull of a trigger. I’m tired of trying….living, I’m tired of waking up and seeing thousands of people living my dream life. I’m just a burden on everyone I have in my life so I’d be doing them a favor. Maybe I’m being punished for what my past self did. Maybe in my next life I’ll be born into something better. | 16 |
Pointless | Even when I try to let go, I fail. I literally can't do anything right. Didn't go deep enough this time. I guess. I dunno. I'm just dizzy and cold. But still here. Unfortunately. | 1 |
I feel like I've lost connection with everyone | I get treated differently by "friends" and I see they don't ever message me first. I'm going through a hard time in my life and those I thought would be there for me are no longer and it's hurting so much... I feel like I don't belong anywhere with anyone. I just wanna feel accepted :( | 1 |
what is the best medication for anhedonia? | I’ve tried
Sertraline
Fluoxetine
Citalopram
Escitalopram
Quetiapine
Pregablin
Clomipramine
On various doses and am currently on escitalopram 60mg but nothing helps for my depression :’(
I was prescribed aripiprazole but had a panic attack after taking the first tablet so I never continued with it. :( but wondering if I should try it again
I’m very doubtful anything at this point will help me though | 2 |
I don't deserve this life and I should punished with death | Backstory: 26F, no job/post secondary education, living with parents.
I feel like I'm the only failure in the circle of people that i know. Everyone I know has a job/school they are working towards except me. Everyone has a talent or a skill they can use to get a job or a career except me. Everyone has a social life and the personality to make new friends and keep old ones except me. The only thing I have is a pretty face but once you look underneath see what kind of life I wasted I know people wouldn't want to be near me.
It didn't have to be like this. My parents and sister are very supportive of me and I am very lucky/privileged to live a kind of life where I can get what I want. I have all the tools and means to be a successful person but instead I the only thing I learned was what a empty person I am. I have no practical/marketable skills, no talents, no good personality, useless hobbies. And instead of learning to be a better person I wasted so many years rotting in my room. I've trapped myself here ( don't know to drive, learn in the suburbs far away from public transport. ) and I wish my mind was stronger so I didn't have to.
I don't know how people know what they want to do as a career. Everyone makes it look so easy picking a job they have to work as for a majority in their life. My parents and friends that I've talked to made it sound so easy. Just pick a course you think you'll enjoy and get a job in related to it.
I feel so alone. I know that there are people outside of my life that feel the same but it doesn't help with how I feel. I still feel like the only failure in my life. It's been 11 years but everything still feels that same. The only difference is how much more pathetic I've become and how alone I'll be when the people supporting me leave or disappear. Instead of staying around and wasting everyone's time and money I wish I could disappear. I know the kind of effect it would have on family and friends but to be honest in the long run it would be the better option for both of us.
I know that seeing a therapist might help but it doesn't feel like I'm really worth trying to help. I know that my family and friends would says yes but that's only because they're my family and friends. If they knew who I was without that relationship they would think what a waste it would be. | 2 |
I'm such a loser | In 2022, I started dating someone I knew for years, and we had a lot of fun together, I started muay thai, my grades were okay and I was feeling optimistic about the NPTE, and I started investing a bit of money. 2022 was such a good year for me, then i basically lost all of it this year.
I lost the relationship. 2 months ago, my gf broke up with me right before my final exams, and even though i did okay in the exams, it still felt bad. Im not too upset I guess, since it just made me realize that Im probably just not built for a relationship.
Recently, I just lost a bunch of money in something ive been working on for a year.
I was doing muay thai last year and still train a bit, I started bjj, but basically just show up to get bruised for no good reason. I mostly just suck at everything.
I try to study for the NPTE which Ill be taking in a year, but Im so unfocused and found that I fail every single practive test I work on. I fail so miserable that my chances of passing the NPTE are almost zero. I hate choosing PT as a course, I shoulve just picked something without boards, but I chose Physical Therapy since I thought I could handle it (the porblem is me, I just cant focus).
This just a rant i guess. I hate myself. If something were to kill me, itd be okay cuz its not like i wouldve done anything with my life anyways (gotta manifest a quick death). Cant even gather the courage to kill myself. | 2 |
Why do i never stop thinking about negative things? Please help me |
It’s ruining my life, please help me, i woke up not long ago, and immediately I remembered something upsetting, whenever i do i get sick with anxiety and im unable to leave the bed (heart racing, limbs are weak, moving (like turning sides in bed) is difficult without catching my breath), When im done agonising over one memory another is waiting for me, that has been my day from start to finish for years, please help me, ive failed courses and about to fail again because of it, please help me understand why im doing this and how to stop it. | 6 |
i’m sick of many expecting me to go through agony to save them from temporary grief, especially when mine is most likely permanent | how could anyone with a clear conscious believe taking your own life is selfish? did they once stop and ask, am i being selfish for not letting them go as they’re suffering?
at least sign the do not resuscitate if you love someone in hospice, figuratively. | 3 |
Funny/sad Story | There's this episode of this old batman cartoon I randomly watched where there's this machine that makes the person in it basically live out their fantasies of whatever it is that makes them happy. Love, attention, admiration, whatever. People end up getting so addicted to the machine that they start doing anything just to go back in and say things like "it hurts out here in the real world".
I realized that's basically how I'm living right now too. The only time I'm really truly happy is when I'm sleeping, and lately I've been sleeping a LOT basically for that exact reason. I'm surrounded by friends and I'm actually valued in my dreams so it starts to feel like I absolutely hate waking up and just wanna keep sleeping all day | 1 |
Nihilism Is Inescapable | There's no getting away from the fact that everything we do is for nothing. Our significance and contribution fall to 0 after we die. You could literally invent the wheel and in the grand timeline of existence your relevance is just a small blip in everything.
It makes no difference if you cure cancer or spend your whole life shooting heroin.
It's messed up people are smart and capable enough to know they're trapped. I don't think anything can be said to get out of this mindset. | 5 |
fuck therapy | Someone sitting there while you're hysterically crying, ripped in shreds of shame that everyone who has ever gotten to know you has decided they'd rather not. Sitting there saying "I'm here with you." Sure. Because you're paying them $200/hr to be there. And a couple months from now when this has extinguished the last of your life savings, will they be there? Nope. Will anyone else? Nope. Seriously WTF is the point? The only new realization I've ever arrived at through therapy was that my thoughts/feelings are so shameful that even someone professionally trained to put on a neutral facade of non-judgmentalness couldn't hide her disgust. | 6 |
The downfall got a bump to go up | I don't know who to share this with I have no friends in the med schooll I am in
During my prep for pre med exam I was scared from 1 thing ORGANIC CHEMISTRY. And today I have completed 1st year with a gold medal in organic chemistry | 1 |
Simplest sh** | Does anyone else reach their breaking point over minimal shit? Like 20-30 mins ago I couldn't get a fitted sheet on (had to come to the conclusion it shrunk in the dryer) and had a breakdown to the point I had to call my bf to be a safe person and my eyes are almost bloodshot from crying but I feel like an overdramatic asshole and my self deprecating thoughts are vibing more than I want them to lol so....
Can the most minimal thing seem like the end of the world/the straw that broke the camel? | 3 |
Subsets and Splits