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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bartender walks into a stable | The horse says "Why the wrong place?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"... | "That's kind of a stretch for me" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I understand why bakers are addicted to baking bread. | Sometimes they just knead it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIL how not to install a fence | Ooops... wrong place for this post |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire. | But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child? | It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you make one million dollars in a month? | Start with five million and become a day trader. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2? | "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. Its terrible. Its just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. That I can tell you. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. OK? Alright. Thank you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live | We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy! | Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. | Kinda like yo momma. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's worse than ants in your pants? | Uncles in your pants. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life as a redditor | I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number. She said "got a pen?" I said yes. She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is red and smells like blue paint | Red paint |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey... | "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument... | Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument as to who is the better computer programmer. They decide to hold a competition and ask God to be the judge. They set themselves up on their computers and begin. They type furiously, likes of code steaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over. God asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.' 'Very well, then,' says God, 'Let us see if Jesus fared any better.' Jesus entered a command and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, 'But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact? How did he do it?' God chuckles, 'Everybody knows.. Jesus saves.' |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An antidepressant a day | Keeps me from blowing my head away |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two friends are hanging out one day, | Jim, and Bob. And Jim has a black eye. Bob asks, "Hey what happened to your eye?" Jim sighs and explains, "Well, I was in church, and we're all standing, and well, the lady in front of me, her skirt was tucked into her ass-crack! So I reached forward, and pulled her skirt out! She turns around and pops me right in the face!" So, a week later, these two friends meet up again, and Jim shows up with ANOTHER black eye! Bob says "Dude, did you do it again? You can't just pull a lady's skirt out like that!" Jim replies, "Nope, nope, so I'm in church again, right? And the same lady is in front of me, and the exact same thing happens! Her skirt was stuck in her ass again! Well, the guy next to me sees it and he pulls her skirt out of her ass-crack! But I knew she didn't like that. So I tucked it right back in there!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Dad, I'm a lesbian" | "That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister." "Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too" Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?" "I still do!" calls his son. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia | It was like music to my arse |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was so poor growing up | If I didn't wake up with an erection I had nothing to play with |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... | I could afford a house in the economy they ruined |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "I would like to buy some cyanide" | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Edit: Shit, I forgot! Credit to u/albert3us |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl | "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [NSFW]Two Scottish lasses are walking to school one morning... | ...when they come upon a man passed out under a tree after a night out drinking. They approach the burly, bearded man and one girl says " I n'er seen a mans penis before. Let's take a peek!" So, they lift the mans kilt and the other exclaims " It looks like a wee chick sitting in a nest! It needs a cute bow!" She pulls a ribbon from her hair, ties it around the sleeping mans member and they continue on their way. A spell later the man wakes, stands and begins to stretch when he feels a pinch on his boabie. He lifts his kilt and sees a ribbon tied around himself. After a moment he smiles and says to his-self: "Och, I doont know where ye been but I see ye took first place!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three blondes were driving to Disneyland... | Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: “Disneyland Left”. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My Brother has 2 tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl -- HELP! | My brother has 2 tickets to the upcoming Super Bowl! He was so excited and paid the $3,500 for each ticket as soon as they went on sale. However, he didn't realize that the game would land on the day of his wedding.. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.. It will be at St. Francis Church in Des Moines, Iowa at 3:45 p.m. She is 5 ' 7'' and weighs about 145 pounds. She's a great cook, and will be in the white dress! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between calling out to your hispanic friend vs calling out to your Ex? | You shout "Jorge!" when calling to your friend. You shout "Hey Whore!" when calling to your ex. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Local Hero saves lady from Dog | A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies! Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog" Man says I'm not American Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog" Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani Breaking News: "Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Girlfriend asked me what to do this evening... | My girlfriend asked me what I wanted to do this evening? Should we go out bowling or should we go upstairs and mess around in the bed? I told her that I am NOT going to put my fingers in some dirty hole where hundreds of guys had put their fingers in before me!!! So we went bowling. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty... | ...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate when people ask me if I'm hard at work... | Every time I am, I get written up by the HR lady. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two men are walking by a restaurant | Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something." The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them." The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead." He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir." The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I am blind." The waiter questions this, "But your dog is a pit bull?" The man replies, "I know, I am a very important person, I need protection as well." The first man passes through and the second man begins to walk through when the waiter stops him and asks him the same question. The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog too." The waiter replies, "Really? A chihuahua?" The man freaks out, "What?! They gave me a chihuahua?!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea | He said he cant complain. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. | Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?" The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the pirate say when he turned 80? | Aye matey! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Lady buys cyanide | A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Aren't you really busy tomorrow?" | "Woah buddy don't assume my agenda" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Donald Trump fail his college math class? | He was uncomfortable with the concept of integration. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you make a pound of fat look sexy? | Put a nipple on it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive | They would eventually find me attractive. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are hippy drum circles like high frequency radiation? | They both cause the formation of free radicals. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a guy asked me if I ever dropped my phone in a beer before... | I said "yeah, once in a Blue Moon". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a schizophrenic fruit? | Pearanoid. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A girl goes to the doctor... | Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear." She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why would Groot make a terrible spy? | Because he's an obvious plant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub | "Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to cheer up your spouse | A man comes home from a tough day at work and sits down on the couch. His wife comes up to him and asks how his day was. "It was the worst day this month. Everything went wrong and the boss blamed me for everything, even things that I had nothing to do with". His wife said "I'm sorry to hear that, let me try to cheer you up". The husband replied "I don't think that there is anything you can do to make me smile today". "I think I can make you smile with my right hand". "Not a chance" was the husband's reply. "What about if I use both of my hands"? "Nope, it was a really bad day". "How about I use both my hands and my mouth"? "That's not going to do it either". Finally the wife says "how about I use both of my hands, my mouth and my tongue"? The husband says "OK, let's see what you've got". The wife walks up to her husband who is still sitting on the couch, she gets on her knees and sticks her thumbs in her ears, flaps her fingers, sticks out her tongue and goes thppplllt! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee... | The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One day, Pavlov is drinking in a bar. | Then a man enters the bar and rings the bell on top of the door. Pavlov says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old man decided his wife was getting hard of hearing | So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know what's really odd? | Numbers not divisible by two. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer | Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. | But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two rednecks decide to go to college... | Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. | Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. | In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. | On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events | Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? | The drummer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So, this guy starts a new job | and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary." The guy says, "What's wrong with her?" The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous. The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a brick." The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it." The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island." The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer. The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails. The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!" She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit.. | he *did* kill Hitler. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Melania divorces Donald Trump | Then an immigrant will get half of the US in the divorce settlement :) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The teacher asked little Johnny a question... | Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have? Little Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have? Little Johnny: Seven! Teacher: Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?! Little Johnny: Because I've already got a freaking cat! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist? | A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, when suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" | The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around. "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher. | I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race. | Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border. Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won. "I told you I would win!" said Ivan. "You may have won," replied Vlad, "but I beat you to the Finnish line." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Invisible... | A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two kids were talking... | Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night! Kid 1: Lies! Kid 2: Ask your sister. Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister! Kid 2: You will in about nine months! Edit: Thanks for the support guys! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whatever you do always give 100 %. | Unless you are donating blood. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe? | Mi to sis |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... | Damn dial-up! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the DNA say to the other DNA? | Do these genes make me look fat? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask. | I have no idea how my dad is going to respond. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? | He will build alternative fact-tories |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code | Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Jewish military man from Israel told me this joke. | Deep in the desert. Mehmet, an Arab fighter (or militant, if you will) chases an Israeli soldier, let's call him Moshe, with an AK47 gun. Mehmet closes on Moshe and starts firing at him but misses. The chase continues through the desert, there's quite a lot of firing from Mehmet and quite a lot of bullet dodging from Moshe. At one point Mehmet's gun refuses to fire - Mehmet's out of ammunition. Moshe hears the clicking of the empty gun, turns triumphantly to Mehmet and says: "Out of bullets, huh? Wanna buy some?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A priest asks a custodian to watch the confessional booth while he takes a piss.. | While the custodian is quietly waiting, a beautiful, long-legged blonde walks into the booth. She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned it has been 1 month since my last confession, and I have given a blowjob!" The janitor isn't sure what the priest would tell her to do so he pops his head out to ask the altar boy "hey, what do you get for a blowjob!?" The altar boy replies "usually a soda and a candy bar." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. | So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A feminist asked me how I view lesbians... | ... apparently in HD wasn't the correct answer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are married women heavier than single women? | When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. | Every kid gets atrophy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. | But the queue was enormous. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes? | She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now. (Credit, John Cleese c. 1991) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The husband asks the wife... | The husband asks the wife: -Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana? The wife asks him: -Why are you at the Supermarket? The husband replys: No I'm at the pharmacy... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.. | Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A farmer buys a young rooster | As soon as it comes home, it screws all the 153 hens... The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens. The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! you deserve this "The rooster opens one eye, points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never screwed a vulture in my whole career"..... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just ended a 5 year relationship today. | It's okay. It wasn't my relationship. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Jesus Christ goes up to heaven... | He walks up an old man and says "Excuse me but I'm looking for my father. The old man says "That's funny! I'm looking for my son!" Jesus says "Well, actually, my father isn't really my father". The old man says "That's funny! My son isn't really my son!" Jesus says "My father was a carpenter". The old man says "That's funny! I'M a carpenter!!!" Jesus throws his arms around the old man and say "Daaaaaad!" The old many throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!!!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Retribution | Jim had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Jim to pull over. When Jim did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Jim, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to Jim's car and cut up its leather seats. When he turned around, Jim had a slight grin on his face, so the driver said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a bat out of his truck and breaks every window in Jim’s car. When he turns and looks at Jim, he has a smile on his face. Driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all its tires. Now Jim is laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of petrol, pours it on Jim’s car and sets it on fire. He turns around and Jim is laughing so hard he is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked. Jim replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. | At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me. | Aren't moms great? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Raise!! | Sam walks into his boss’s office and says “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way,” asks the boss, “Which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and the phone company!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's "meme" in French? | Moimoi. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as “they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear”.... | ….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The trump family is flying from New York to DC | Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?" So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?" EDIT: Thank you for the gold!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like my jokes how I like my laundry | Dry. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Vegetable rationing | Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How is the bar at the ghost wedding set up? | Boo's on the left, Spirit's on the right |
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