Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One day Jesus was strolling around...	...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately. "What are you searching for old man?" He asks. "My son." responds the old man. Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?" "Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..." Jesus is shocked. "D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling. The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks: "Pinnocio??"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.	A small part of me disagrees.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar....	.....and sees a sign behind the bar, "free drinks for life if you can pass the three trails". Curious by this the man asks the bartender what the trails are. "First you have to chug a fifth of fire water. Then we have an alligator with a sore tooth in the back and you have to remove the tooth. Lastly, we have a virgin upstairs and you have to sleep with her." Giving it some thought he decides against it. As the night continues and liquid courage begins to take effect be decides to try the trails. He begins to chug the fire water, tears streaming down his face. The bartender then brings him to the back room, after a few minutes horrible sounds eminent from the room and then silence. The man comes out the room and the bartender leads him upstairs. Again a few minutes pass and then horrific sounds come from upstairs. After a few minutes pass the man comes down with a look of pride upon his face. "I drank your fire water, had sex with your alligator, and pulled the sore tooth from your virgin."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a blind deer?	No eye deer
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What options does an abortionist have to get ashore?	Row vs. Wade
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	We were having dinner at the table.	"What's up, dad?" I asked. "You look thoughtful." He said, "I was just thinking about this time I got a blowjob off a girl at school. If only I could remember her name---" "Peter!" interrupted mum. He said, "No, that wasn't her name."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I didn't think my son would make a good postman.	But he delivered.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Energizer Bunny was arrested today...	He was charged with battery.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the old lady fall into the well?	She didn't see that well
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The worst mix of diseases?	Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Pinocchio goes to the doctor...	and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do." The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This should clear up the splinters in no time." Pinocchio thanks the doctor and heads off. A few months later Pinocchio returns for a regular checkup. During it the doctor asks "So, how have things been with your girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	In the vegetable and fruit aisle	Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified? Clerk: No, why do you ask? Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.	So I took her to the library.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A young blonde...	...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!" She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position." The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat." (After a long pause) "O.K." says the the voice in the radio....."Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You know you're old...	When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My wife’s sexual fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.	I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I find it ironic that	the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What would you call a very funny mountain?	Hill Arious!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Women can talk for hours...	...but from 5 minutes giving a blowjob their mouth hurts.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is ink an unwise investment?	Because it's a dyeing industry. - This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	True love lasts forever	It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins	\-Son, leave the room please. \-Dad, but I'm 23... \-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man wanks into a bar...	...and the bartender says "We don't serve your typo here"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Putin's boyfriend say when he wants sex?	Putin, Putitin
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dental [Long][NSFW]	A father stops to talk to his son before leaving the house forever. He says, "Son, I'm going to give you some advice that will serve you well throughout your life. Stay away from women. They are nothing but trouble.... Also, they have a hole between there legs with teeth. If you put anything in that hole, they will bite it off." With that remark, the father leaves.Years go by and the son grows up, falls in love and gets married. On his wedding night, his bride tries to get him to make love to her. She becomes exasperated and finally goes into detail about what is expected of him as a husband. Alarmed, the young man says, "No way am I putting my penis in there. You have teeth and you will bite me!" The wife says, "Calm down! Look here." She opens her legs and says, " Look closely. I don't have any teeth down here." The husband says, "You're right! And your gums are in terrible condition!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?	That person would be 0K Edit: Just noticed that I flopped the title. :(
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a singing laptop?	A dell
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common?	There's no room for jack, on both of them
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches?	They Neverland.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you starve a worthless mooch?	By hiding his employment check in his work boots.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between seal hunters and teenagers?	There's none, both like clubbing.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	ATTACK DOG	A man wanted a big, veracious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage."He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer."Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage."Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.""Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached."This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed."This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!""I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...	... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?	They are both going to miss every body.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves.	He's a corgi-ographer.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart	All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?	You can always unscrew a light bulb.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?	A good Friday
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts?	Wand Erection. EDIT: If you don't get it, try saying it aloud.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My girlfriend turned to me and said “Dave, I think we’ve come to the end of the road.”	“Why?” I said, shocked. “We’re in a river.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a retarded kid with no arms and one leg.	Names.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters	It was shift work.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?	Because he was always lost at C! [ I'm^so^sorry ]
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wanna hear why I love Dorian Gray jokes?	cause they never get old
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A beautiful woman walks into a bar. The barman asks, “What’ll you have?”	She replies, “I’d like a double entendre, please.” So he gave her one.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.	There was a diamond in the ruff.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl	My wife hated it though.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?	"Are you ticklish?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are there so many gay monsters?	Because they're always coming out of the closet!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night?	Jack off
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Just got the iPhone 7.	It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German go to see a magic show...	They can't see the magician, so the magician stands on a box and asks "can you see me now?" To which they reply: "yes", "oui", "ci", "ja"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	I suppose at least two. But where are you going to find a lightbulb that big?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.	The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash. the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out. The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out. The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?" The boyscout replies "oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mathematician, a Statistician and an Accountant are in for a job interview. [x-post from r/accounting]	The interviewer calls in the mathematician first, the interview goes well and for the last question the interviewer asks, "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies, "Four." The interviewer says great and then calls in the statistician, and after another good interview he asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says, "With such a small sample size the answer is four give or take point three percent, but on 9 times out of 10 the answer will be four.” Satisfied, the interviewer then calls in the accountant and at the end of the interview poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" Very suddenly the accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shades, disconnects the phone, then approaches the interviewer and asks, "What do you want it to be?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?'	'I'm not coming into work today'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Cheap cow...	The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.” The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	ABCDEFGHIJK!	Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Boob Joke	A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing all over her breasts, motor-boating them and squeezing them she starts to get a little worked up. "Aren't you going to suck on them?" she asks. "Nah, too expensive" he replies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do to an indian burn	My curry is better than yours.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator	Only a fraction of people will get this.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Being a proofreader isn't difficult.	If you know what to except.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are there so many female archaeologists?	Because women love digging up the past.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man lost his arm...	A man lost his arm in a terrible accident. After he recovered, he realized that he just couldn't do the things he could do before and he became depressed. He decided to end his life, so he went up to the top of a building to jump. He was standing on the edge and looked down only to see a man with no arms dancing down the sidewalk, spinning around and frolicking happily. Excited, the man with one arm decided that he had to talk to this other man, so he turned and ran back down the stairs and down the sidewalk until he caught up. He stopped the man with no arms and explained his story, ending by saying, "...so I was about to jump off that building until I saw you down here. You have no arms, but you're dancing! You've got it so much worse than me but you've found a way to enjoy life, and I just have to know your secret!" The man with no arms looked shocked, and replied, "Dancing? Hell no, my balls itch!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants...	They're up for grabs.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	BUSINESS IS BUSINESS	A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a gay horse eat?	Haaaaaaay
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the smartest muscle in the human body?	The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the only correct answer to the question 'Are you ticklish?'	I have explosive diarrhea.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is the space between a woman's chest and her hips called a waist?	Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man went in for an interview...	A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off." "Oh, that is no problem," said the man. "I stop winking if I take a couple of aspirin." "Show me," said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took an aspirin and soon stopped winking. The interviewer said, "I do not think we could employ someone who would be womanizing all over the country." "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I am a happily married man, not a womanizer!" "Well, how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer. The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?	A gun only has one trigger.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer.	It's never nice to witness substance abuse.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.	An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them. The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?" The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon.	Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around.	He said that's naan-sense.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	First day of school	On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?	"I set WHO free?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How is eating pussy and being in the Mafia similar?	One slip of tongue and you're in deep shit!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Trying a new thing with my wife....	I've been trying this new thing with my wife. Whenever we have sex I secretly put a dollar in an envelope. However much is in the envelope at the end of the year will be spent on her Christmas present. So far she's getting a McChicken
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...	I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.	He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably. When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in the Sergeant to bawl him out. "You can't just tell someone their mother is dead like that! Use a bit of tact and subtlety when dealing with something like this, for God's sake!" A few weeks later the Sergeant calls his men out again. Remembering his Officer's words, he announces: "All those Privates whose mothers are still alive please take one step backwards....not so fast, Private Jones!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.	The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You really are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?	Tennish
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man is at a job interview.	"What would you say is your greatest weakness?", asks the interviewer. Without hesitating the man says, "Honesty." The interviewer smiles. "I don't think that can be called a weakness." The man shrugs. "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?	No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet	I don't know Y.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?	Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My neighbors are listening to great music...	...Whether they like it or not!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A young British lad finishes his shift down in the pits...	Walking into town, pickaxe over his shoulder, he finds himself craving a beer. Much to his dismay, however, every pub seems to be closed. Moving onward, he noticed that the local Conservative club's door is open. Somewhat reluctantly he walks inside and asks the man at the bar within for a pint. "Sorry," the bartender replied, "we don't serve miners."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The king asks a commoner...	"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels." "I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner "To think it over?" asks his majesty. "No - to fatten her up."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	in a keynote Apple announced...	...that they will create a new, better battery that will explode even stronger than the one from Samsung.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I found a girl with 12 tits...	Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Great news insomniacs!	Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	To avoid being raped when I am in jail...	I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My son and I don't get along.	I call him a son of a bitch. He calls me a motherfucker. Technically we're both right.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Blonde painter	A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. "I'm here for the paint job," she said. "Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house." The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a Ferrari.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My dad always said, "I before E expect after C".	Society taught me otherwise.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Hillary Clinton say goodbye?	"Seizure later!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.	A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger." Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

One day Jesus was strolling around...

...when he comes across a sad old man, searching something desperately. "What are you searching for old man?" He asks. "My son." responds the old man. Jesus tells the man that he will aid him in finding his son. But wanta more information: "Do you have any information about him? Anything specific, like, what does he look like?" "Well," the old man says "he had nails in his hands and legs..." Jesus is shocked. "D...Dad?" He asks, his voice trembling. The old man approaches Jesus, places his hands onto Jesus' cheeks. He asks: "Pinnocio??"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man walks into a bar....

.....and sees a sign behind the bar, "free drinks for life if you can pass the three trails". Curious by this the man asks the bartender what the trails are. "First you have to chug a fifth of fire water. Then we have an alligator with a sore tooth in the back and you have to remove the tooth. Lastly, we have a virgin upstairs and you have to sleep with her." Giving it some thought he decides against it. As the night continues and liquid courage begins to take effect be decides to try the trails. He begins to chug the fire water, tears streaming down his face. The bartender then brings him to the back room, after a few minutes horrible sounds eminent from the room and then silence. The man comes out the room and the bartender leads him upstairs. Again a few minutes pass and then horrific sounds come from upstairs. After a few minutes pass the man comes down with a look of pride upon his face. "I drank your fire water, had sex with your alligator, and pulled the sore tooth from your virgin."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What options does an abortionist have to get ashore?

Row vs. Wade

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

We were having dinner at the table.

"What's up, dad?" I asked. "You look thoughtful." He said, "I was just thinking about this time I got a blowjob off a girl at school. If only I could remember her name---" "Peter!" interrupted mum. He said, "No, that wasn't her name."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I didn't think my son would make a good postman.

But he delivered.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The Energizer Bunny was arrested today...

He was charged with battery.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She didn't see that well

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The worst mix of diseases?

Alzheimer and diarrhea. You run but you don't remember where.

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Pinocchio goes to the doctor...

and says "Doctor, I have recently started dating a girl. Now, it has been fun so far but she has started to complain about splinters. What can I do." The doctor considers a moment and says "You should simply get a few different grades of sand paper and every morning apply a few strokes. This should clear up the splinters in no time." Pinocchio thanks the doctor and heads off. A few months later Pinocchio returns for a regular checkup. During it the doctor asks "So, how have things been with your girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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In the vegetable and fruit aisle

Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified? Clerk: No, why do you ask? Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?

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This girl winked at me and said she wanted to go somewhere quiet.

So I took her to the library.

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A young blonde...

...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!" She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position." The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat." (After a long pause) "O.K." says the the voice in the radio....."Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."

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You know you're old...

When your stripper has braces and you're wondering how much her parents paid for them.

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My wife’s sexual fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

I think she misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

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I find it ironic that

the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you

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What would you call a very funny mountain?

Hill Arious!

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Women can talk for hours...

...but from 5 minutes giving a blowjob their mouth hurts.

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Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry. - This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

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True love lasts forever

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please. \-Dad, but I'm 23... \-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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A man wanks into a bar...

...and the bartender says "We don't serve your typo here"

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What does Putin's boyfriend say when he wants sex?

Putin, Putitin

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Dental [Long][NSFW]

A father stops to talk to his son before leaving the house forever. He says, "Son, I'm going to give you some advice that will serve you well throughout your life. Stay away from women. They are nothing but trouble.... Also, they have a hole between there legs with teeth. If you put anything in that hole, they will bite it off." With that remark, the father leaves.Years go by and the son grows up, falls in love and gets married. On his wedding night, his bride tries to get him to make love to her. She becomes exasperated and finally goes into detail about what is expected of him as a husband. Alarmed, the young man says, "No way am I putting my penis in there. You have teeth and you will bite me!" The wife says, "Calm down! Look here." She opens her legs and says, " Look closely. I don't have any teeth down here." The husband says, "You're right! And your gums are in terrible condition!"

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Do you know what would happen if you'd freeze someone to -273.15 degrees Clesius?

That person would be 0K Edit: Just noticed that I flopped the title. :(

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What do you call a singing laptop?

A dell

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What do the iPhone 7 and the Titanic have in common?

There's no room for jack, on both of them

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What happens when Peter Pan tries to throws punches?

They Neverland.

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How do you starve a worthless mooch?

By hiding his employment check in his work boots.

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What's the difference between seal hunters and teenagers?

There's none, both like clubbing.

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ATTACK DOG

A man wanted a big, veracious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage."He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer."Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage."Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.""Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached."This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed."This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!""I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

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Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...

... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy

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What do Storm Troopers and Bone Thugs N Harmony have in common?

They are both going to miss every body.

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There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves.

He's a corgi-ographer.

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Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can always unscrew a light bulb.

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What do you get when you cross Jesus and a couple of criminals?

A good Friday

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Who are the most homo-erotic pop group at Hogwarts?

Wand Erection. EDIT: If you don't get it, try saying it aloud.

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My girlfriend turned to me and said “Dave, I think we’ve come to the end of the road.”

“Why?” I said, shocked. “We’re in a river.”

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What do you call a retarded kid with no arms and one leg.

Names.

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I used to have a part time job helping a one-armed typist write capital letters

It was shift work.

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Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C! [ I'm^so^sorry ]

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Wanna hear why I love Dorian Gray jokes?

cause they never get old

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar. The barman asks, “What’ll you have?”

She replies, “I’d like a double entendre, please.” So he gave her one.

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My dog swallowed my engagement ring last night, but luckily coughed it out when he barked.

There was a diamond in the ruff.

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I used to love going to dinner parties as a little girl

My wife hated it though.

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Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?

"Are you ticklish?"

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Why are there so many gay monsters?

Because they're always coming out of the closet!

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What does Tim Cook do when he's home alone at night?

Jack off

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Just got the iPhone 7.

It helped me lose weight! I now have no money to eat for 2 months

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German go to see a magic show...

They can't see the magician, so the magician stands on a box and asks "can you see me now?" To which they reply: "yes", "oui", "ci", "ja"

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How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I suppose at least two. But where are you going to find a lightbulb that big?

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An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane.

The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash. the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out. The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out. The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?" The boyscout replies "oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"

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A mathematician, a Statistician and an Accountant are in for a job interview. [x-post from r/accounting]

The interviewer calls in the mathematician first, the interview goes well and for the last question the interviewer asks, "What does two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies, "Four." The interviewer says great and then calls in the statistician, and after another good interview he asks the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" The statistician says, "With such a small sample size the answer is four give or take point three percent, but on 9 times out of 10 the answer will be four.” Satisfied, the interviewer then calls in the accountant and at the end of the interview poses the same question, "What does two plus two equal?" Very suddenly the accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shades, disconnects the phone, then approaches the interviewer and asks, "What do you want it to be?"

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(calling) 'Hey Boss, what's the difference between work and your daughter?'

'I'm not coming into work today'

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Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.” The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?” The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?” The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

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ABCDEFGHIJK!

Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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Boob Joke

A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing all over her breasts, motor-boating them and squeezing them she starts to get a little worked up. "Aren't you going to suck on them?" she asks. "Nah, too expensive" he replies.

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How do to an indian burn

My curry is better than yours.

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There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator

Only a fraction of people will get this.

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Being a proofreader isn't difficult.

If you know what to except.

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Why are there so many female archaeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

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A man lost his arm...

A man lost his arm in a terrible accident. After he recovered, he realized that he just couldn't do the things he could do before and he became depressed. He decided to end his life, so he went up to the top of a building to jump. He was standing on the edge and looked down only to see a man with no arms dancing down the sidewalk, spinning around and frolicking happily. Excited, the man with one arm decided that he had to talk to this other man, so he turned and ran back down the stairs and down the sidewalk until he caught up. He stopped the man with no arms and explained his story, ending by saying, "...so I was about to jump off that building until I saw you down here. You have no arms, but you're dancing! You've got it so much worse than me but you've found a way to enjoy life, and I just have to know your secret!" The man with no arms looked shocked, and replied, "Dancing? Hell no, my balls itch!"

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A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants...

They're up for grabs.

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BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the Civil War." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."

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What does a gay horse eat?

Haaaaaaay

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What's the smartest muscle in the human body?

The anal sphincter; it can differentiate solid, liquid, and gas.

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What is the only correct answer to the question 'Are you ticklish?'

I have explosive diarrhea.

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Why is the space between a woman's chest and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off." "Oh, that is no problem," said the man. "I stop winking if I take a couple of aspirin." "Show me," said the interviewer. So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took an aspirin and soon stopped winking. The interviewer said, "I do not think we could employ someone who would be womanizing all over the country." "Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I am a happily married man, not a womanizer!" "Well, how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer. The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

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What's the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

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Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer.

It's never nice to witness substance abuse.

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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them. The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?" The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!

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Our local council said they are going to get all the coins out of the wishing well and put them into a balloon.

Talk about getting everyone's hopes up.

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I told my psychiatrist that I believe I have the power to detect Indian bread for miles around.

He said that's naan-sense.

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First day of school

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

"I set WHO free?"

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How is eating pussy and being in the Mafia similar?

One slip of tongue and you're in deep shit!!

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Trying a new thing with my wife....

I've been trying this new thing with my wife. Whenever we have sex I secretly put a dollar in an envelope. However much is in the envelope at the end of the year will be spent on her Christmas present. So far she's getting a McChicken

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid...

I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably. When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in the Sergeant to bawl him out. "You can't just tell someone their mother is dead like that! Use a bit of tact and subtlety when dealing with something like this, for God's sake!" A few weeks later the Sergeant calls his men out again. Remembering his Officer's words, he announces: "All those Privates whose mothers are still alive please take one step backwards....not so fast, Private Jones!"

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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You really are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish

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A man is at a job interview.

"What would you say is your greatest weakness?", asks the interviewer. Without hesitating the man says, "Honesty." The interviewer smiles. "I don't think that can be called a weakness." The man shrugs. "I don't give a fuck what you think."

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Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

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I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know Y.

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Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken Sedan!

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My neighbors are listening to great music...

...Whether they like it or not!

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A young British lad finishes his shift down in the pits...

Walking into town, pickaxe over his shoulder, he finds himself craving a beer. Much to his dismay, however, every pub seems to be closed. Moving onward, he noticed that the local Conservative club's door is open. Somewhat reluctantly he walks inside and asks the man at the bar within for a pint. "Sorry," the bartender replied, "we don't serve miners."

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The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels." "I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner "To think it over?" asks his majesty. "No - to fatten her up."

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in a keynote Apple announced...

...that they will create a new, better battery that will explode even stronger than the one from Samsung.

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I found a girl with 12 tits...

Sounds funny, dozen tit?

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Great news insomniacs!

Only 12 sleeps til Christmas.

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To avoid being raped when I am in jail...

I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection.

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My son and I don't get along.

I call him a son of a bitch. He calls me a motherfucker. Technically we're both right.

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Blonde painter

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. "I'm here for the paint job," she said. "Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house." The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a Ferrari.

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My dad always said, "I before E expect after C".

Society taught me otherwise.

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How does Hillary Clinton say goodbye?

"Seizure later!"

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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger." Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"