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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it. | I've never had a beef with one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them. | My dads getting sick of them too. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Keep away from professional dermatologists.. | They make rash decisions |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Bite me, asshole" | "Bite me, asshole" - grammatically correct and scathing "Bite me asshole" - kinky pirate |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Cheaper Pub in the World | Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint; "That will be $0.05 please sir". "Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too" "Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir". "Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps". "0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together". "This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him". "Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife". "...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?" "Same thing I am doing down here with his business". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Husband came home late at night from the office one day and realised he forgot his Wife's birthday... | "How would you feel if you don't see me for next few days?" His wife said He couldn't believe his luck. He replied at once. "Wowww.....That would be great!'' Monday passed & he didn't see her.... Tuesday he didn't see her... and Wednesday passed too... On Thursday the swelling was better as he caught a glimpse of her from the corner of his left eye. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIL that the term "A stroke of luck" has more than one meaning- | -when my fortune teller gave me a handjob. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many people at a Music Festival does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Zero, its already lit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. | I said maybe. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats the difference between a woman and a floppy drive? | A Floppy Drive can only take 3.5" Inches. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Girls always think I'm ugly until they see what's in my bank account | Then they think I'm ugly AND poor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hidden desire | A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.” He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said ” I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.” And then he walked away. The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus: “Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime…… By the way, I like you too!” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs... | ...aren't happy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Divorce is tough on some kids. | Others are just happy to be single again. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber... | Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My uncle always said I was too soft. | But I just didn’t fancy him. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Baby you are like a white dwarf star.... | Extremely hot but not very bright |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When’s the worst time to eat candy? | When she’s on her period. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Interviewer: How would you handle a complaint from a customer? | Applicant: Well that depends, what's the complaint? Interviewer: He's complaining that his burger had onions on it, even though he specifically asked they were to be removed. Applicant: Well I'd start by telling him he's in the retail section. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami. | I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?" He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami". Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?" I said, "Sem Ting". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do T-Rex's do for a living? | They're small arms dealers. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was 6 afraid of 7? | Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure. | "Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her" - Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You were so beautiful, | until your 30 day trial of photoshop ended. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If my Sky Internet gets any slower | by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you tell if your friend is gay? | Fuck him in the ass. As you're cumming, reach around and feel his cock. It's hard, he's definitely gay. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You don't have to be good at anagrams | to see that Pope Benedict is an Epic Bent Pedo. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a man of Jewish descent | As a man of Jewish descent I don't like jokes about us Jews. I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture. But every now and then even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything. So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here if anyone wants to buy it? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If my girlfriend was a Pokemon her name would be...... | Vulva-sore |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I came home and noticed my dishwasher was missing | So I asked my kids what happened. Apparently she left me 3 days ago. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was in a bank yesterday and all the money just floated out the door by itself. | It was a polterheist. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a sick billionaire say? | "I feel like a million bucks" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer? | The power is on and you're connected to the internet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Will Glass Coffins Be A Success? | Remains to be seen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can Kylie Jenner see right through Caitlin? | She's trans-parent. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens to a necrophiliac after death? | Reserection |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does a Marxist jack off? | By seizing the means of reproduction. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the most frustrating part about being a sheep farmer? | Every time you try to take inventory, you fall asleep. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was Michael Jackson's favourite musical key? | A Minor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does a girl want more than anything in the world? | Nothing. She's fine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | girl if we were pokemon you would be a pichu and i would be a raichu | because im a convicted child molestor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly | "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the best way to get gum out of your hair? | Cancer. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today I'm cancer free! | And all the days before that, but it still counts. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb? | Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I Organized a three-way last night... | There was a couple of no-shows, but overall, it worked out fine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How did the executioner learn about knots? | By watching the noose. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two Beggars | Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was very upset at the funeral the other day. | I started wailing and moaning and banging on the coffin In the end they opened it and let me out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You're not able to watch porn on the iPhone7.. | Yeah, they took the jack off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Polish guy went to check his vision... | **Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me. The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z **Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend lives in Colorado and told me he wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. | I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons... | She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death, when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was in the gym. | "1,2,3,4," counted my personal trainer, as I panted. "Come on," he added, "Now we've got you down the stairs, we can do a workout!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the Duck say to the Prostitute? | "Put it on my bill" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two guys are watching a dog lick his dick... | and one guy says to the other, "Man, I wish I could do that." So the other guy says, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?" Credit goes to the old man who came through my check stand a while back. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? | Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S? | WD-4D |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wynona Ryder was great in Stranger Things. | She stole the show |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to be scared of pretty girls, | So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today... | In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked a friend of mine what it was like being a herb farmer.... | ...He said its not so bad and that he had a lot of thyme on his hands. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does the chicken do to get through college? | She strips. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Indian man is at home... | An Indian man is at home, cooking for his family. He is a very wealthy scientist, so he was able to purchase a tandoor. Tonight he decides to break it in. As he takes his bread out, he notices something strange. It almost falls apart in his hands. As he gets it on the plate, it turns into a viscous liquid. Amazed, he began trying to figure out what this was. After several minutes of keeping his family waiting, he let's out an audible "Aha!" He then proceeds to slam his fist onto the bread. Miraculously, the bread held together and almost seemed to form a solid. "Just as I thought." He says. "A Naan-Newtonian Fluid." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We burried my grandmother last week... | So she's probably dead by now. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What sound does a street sweeper make? | Broom Broom |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If a physicist named Lebowski discovered a particle, what would it be called? | The "L deuterino", if he wasn't into the whole brevity thing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me that I didn't know the meaning of the word "ironic"... | ...which was ironic, because we were at the train station. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I work in the hole punching business. You can call me at 1-800-448-2-463. | I always leave a good first impression! PS. I work for a printer\publisher and thought of this one while I was punching holes today. I hope the punchline isn't too convoluted. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I tried to take a picture of some fog... | I mist. ^I'll^see^myself^out^BYE! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Jewish boy asks his father for $20 | Jewish boy: dad can I please have 20 dollars? Jewish dad: 10 dollars?!? What do you need 5 dollars for? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Don't read "part a" backwards. | It's a trap. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I walked into an apple phone store... | And I farted, the people working there got mad at me and I said,"it's not my fault you don't have any windows" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Backwards Compatibility. | People hated on the new console generation because they weren't backwards compatible, the Internet practically crucified Sony and Microsoft. But really people have always been like this. Did you see what they did to that Jesus guy when he announced Christianity was no longer backwards compatible with Judaism? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was looking at some fetish porn on my phone... | I came upon it by accident. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had to take my son's dirty diaper off today. | I don't know why I was wearing it in the first place. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me he broke my lamp | He said I hope you're not mad. No, im delighted |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert... | When to nobodies real surprise a genie appears and offers to grant them a wish each. The Frenchman goes first. "I would like to be transported back to my wonderful muzzer country, where you will 'ave built a great wall around all ze borders to protect ze beautiful 'omeland of ze French master race from ze filthy foreigners." And poof, the genie grants his wish and the Frenchman is gone. The Englishman says "Tell me more about this wall." The genie responds "Well it's five hundred feet high, two hundred feet thick and absolutely impenetrable to any human force." The Englishman says "Fill it with water." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents | Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine... | How do you feel?" Asks the fluoride ion. "Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's." | I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife and i decided not to have kids. | The kids are taking it pretty hard... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You guys hear about that new broom that came out? | It's sweeping the nation! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The story of Tyrone | When he was in school none of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness. However, no one disliked him as much as his teacher who was always telling him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!" One day Tyrone's mother came to the school to check on her son, and his teacher told her that he was a disaster, always had bad grades, and was probably the dumbest kid she ever taught. Tyrone's mother was so furious she removed Tyrone from the Detroit school and they moved to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All of her doctors advised her that she needed heart surgery, but the only one able to do it was a doctor in Cleveland. Since she had no other options she decided to have the operation and it was successful. When she opened her eyes she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but she couldn't talk. Her face started to turn blue, and she raised her hand as if she was trying to tell the doctor something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked and wondered what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, the janitor at the clinic, who had unplugged her life support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. You seriously didn't think Tyrone was the doctor did you? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If anyone has a good fishing pun... | Let minnow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police | He's now a seasoned veteran. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dad was an illiterate pirate | Tragically, he was lost at C. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why Hello! Thanks for calling the Mental Health Hotline! | If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | ,,,,, | chameleon |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are hurricanes named with female names? | Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hole in the wall | A man is waiting for a bus, but really needs a piss. He looks around but can't see anywhere. Just then he noticed 3 small holes in the wall behind the bus stop. He walks over to the wall unzips his fly, pops his cock through one of the holes and starts to piss. Suddenly he feels a sharp pain in his cock and hears a voice "$5 or I'll cut your cock off" he looks over the wall and sees 3 kids lined up, one by each hole, with one of them holding a knife to his cock. "$5 or I'll cut you cock off" the man promptly agrees and hands over $5. "Put it in the bucket" the kid says and the man dropped the money into the bucket. "That's quite a scam you got going there kid" says the man "how much money have you made?" The kid says "$65" the man turns to the next kid "you?" "$70" says the second boy lifting up his bucket to show the man. He turns to the third boy "how much have you made? "The boy looks at the man with sadness on his face "just $5" he says "but on the plus side I have got a bucket full of cocks". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How cowboys are made | "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "Where do Cowboys come from?" "Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down. | I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There are two kinds of people in the world: | Those that can extrapolate from missing information. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land | Oh right, don't put the joke in the title. Sorry. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I got a tattoo of a gong | Because I heard it's cool to get a tattoo of a Chinese cymbal |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Canadians are easy to identify ... | ... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Man Got On A Plane... | A man gets on a plane with six children. A woman leans across the aisle and asks "Are all those children yours?" He answers, "No, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate it when my teachers hit on me. | It sucks being homeschooled. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? | Halfway |
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