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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many /r/Jokes users does it take to make a Joke? | WRONG! They don't make it, they steal it... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital.. | A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.":) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am a perfect role model... | …for someone who takes “how much can you fuck up your life?” As an actual challenge. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An American man travels to Japan on business... | ...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!" The man, pleased with himself for appeasing his lover's desires, finishes and rolls over to sleep. The next morning, he meets a prospective business associate for golf. On the first hole, his golf partner completes the round under par. In an attempt to impress him, he shouts "Machigatta ana!" His associate replies "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A group of feminists deciede to have a picnic... | But nobody made any sandwhiches |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar | ... and stays there my entire childhood. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..." | / - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that? / - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one". / - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again. / - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes. / - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To the person who stole my selfie stick: | You need to take a long look at yourself. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To the handicapped guy who stole my bag: | You can hide but you can't run. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I asked my mother who was her favorite child... | She thought for a second and said, "Do I have to pick one of mine?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My pet mouse "Elvis" died yesterday... | He was caught in a trap. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Hilary and Trump are stranded on a raft in the ocean, who survives? | America. America survives. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. | All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the best thing to do with a thimble? | Bang it with a drum-thtick! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do crazy people make it through a forest? | They take the psycho-path. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a priest and a zit | A zit waits until you're 12 before it comes on your face |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is an avocado's favorite game to play? | Guack-a-mole! I'm about to be a dad so this seemed fitting for my first post :) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? | The taste |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was at the ATM, and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, | So I pushed her over. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. | So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | when i was growing up. our tv had a bunch of channels | My favorite channel was "Broil" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a burlap sack and my nutsack? | The babies in my nutsack are still living. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? | He wiped |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People used to laugh at me when I said "I want to be a comedian." | Well, nobody's laughing now. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man who has been in the police force for 30 years | A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a month. After living like this for a few years he hears a knock on his door, thinking it strange as the paper boy had come just the other week he opened it with caution to see a large, hairy man standing there. He explained to the ex-cop that he was his neighbor from 20 miles down and wished to invite him to a thanksgiving party. The cop replied "Why not, I haven't seen any other people in quite a while." The other man says to him "Now I gotta warn ya, there'll be some fightin'" the cop nodded and informed him that he had been a cop for 30 years, and it wasn't an issue. "There'll be some eatin'" the cop again tells him it won't be an issue. "There'll be some fuckin'" the cop explains he hasn't felt the touch of a woman in a while, so again no problem. With that the man begins to leave but the cop stops him, and asks him "What should I wear?" The man replies, "What does it matter? It'll just be the two of us!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a bear with no teeth?? | A gummy bear!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you get a kid out from a microwave? | Please answer before my wife gets home! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's Bruce Lee's favorite car? | Kiaaaaaaaa |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump: "If you mess with the United States...." | .....there will be hell Toupeeeeee |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is an aborted baby so hard to fool? | Because It wasn't born yesterday. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did everyone turn away when the race car drove past? | It had a SPOILER on it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan. | After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant. "Private, how is everything?" he asks. "It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women?" The Staff Sergeant motions towards the south end of the base and says "The boys have some camels tied up over there. No one's gonna judge you out here, son." The Private shook his head in disgust, telling himself he would never stoop that low. A few weeks later, the Private is pent up. He needs release. He finally decides to join the club, so early one morning he gets up, walks over to the camels, and unties one. He begins pumping away at the camel from behind, when the Staff Sergeant and the Major discover him. "Private, just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?!" the Staff Sergeant asks. "But, you said.." the Private stammers, still inside the camel. "You said the boys have these camels tied up!" "You idiot," the Sergeant says. "The boys ride the camels into town to hire a prostitute." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call someone who is attracted to Middle Easterns? | A Hummusexual. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm tired of pre shredded cheese | Make America grate again |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side. | I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is 6 afraid of 7? | Because 7 had a faulty battery and caused their house to burn down |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | North Korea reminds me of a redhead | Because they both have no Seoul |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently met a Chinese man | I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami. I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?" He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked 'What is your name?' He replied 'Kannaswami'. Then she looked at me and asked 'What's your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting'." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When asian people go on a merry go round... | do they become disoriented? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My cousin is so poor.... | that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Hi there, do you allow smoking on your facilities?" | "Sorry, but we run a completely smoke free zoo." "Alright, thanks. I was just wondering cuz ya'll just smoked my nigga Harambe." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? | It said concentrate. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I like to wipe my ass like I drive. | Stopping only on red. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to fall down stairs | Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 11, 12 |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Don't ever let a chiropractor tell u a joke. | It'll hit your funny bone. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do gangsters receive communications? | Gmail |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb? | YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE..!!! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?" | Students: Eggs! Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?" Students: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Students: "Homework!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life is about perspective. | The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time... | I said maybe |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought shoes from a second hand shop. | They must've belonged to a junkie though because I've been tripping all day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one... | What type of sandwich would you make? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When Jimmy Fallon started hosting The Tonight Show, Conan called him up to offer some advice... | The first thing he said was: "Kill your enemies and see them driven before you..." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Porn addiction is a serious thing | I have first hand experience. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of money do religious businesses make? | Prophet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are pills white? | Because they work |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I didn't let my st-st-stutter stop me from achieving my dream career | I'm a door-to-door salesman. I sell "No Soliciting" signs. The more I st-st-stutter the more I seem to sell. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I recently became a father | Is a weird way to say I just got a girlfriend and she started calling me "Daddy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. | I can raise my cat any way I want. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many /r/ users does it take to change a lightbulb? | Three. One to do it, one to complain that it has already been done before, and one to repost this joke. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sisters of Mercy Brothel | A man is in middle of long, boring drive when he sees a sign on the side of the road that says "Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles". He's a little taken aback and thinks he read it wrong, and he keeps driving. Am little while later he sees another sign, "Sister of Mercy Brothel, 10 miles". He can't believe what he's seeing and continues his drive. Soon he sees the sign with an arrow "Sisters of Mercy Brothel". His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls over into the parking lot. On the door there's a sign "Enter, my child", so he goes inside and follows a long, winding, dark pathway until he reaches another door with a basket in front of it. Above the basket it says "Drop $100 in the basket and enter". Now excited, the man drops his $100 and opens the door. The door slams shut behind him and he finds himself back in the parking lot next to a sign... "You've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. Go in Peace". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game? | Mein Kraft. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There's a fat man in a schoolyard. | A mother approaches him and asks: "Are you waiting for a child?" So he replies: "No, I'm just fat" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? | A salad shooter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dining Out | A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal. “It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!” said my wife. “And Sir?” said the waiter. “How did you find the pork belly?” “Oh, about six years ago, we met at a sales convention.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If two vegans are arguing | Is it still called beef? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. | It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know light travels faster than sound? | That's why some people appear bright (until you hear them talk). |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality. | "Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The other morning my Mom came downstairs wearing nothing but a very suggestive nightgown. | When I asked, she said it was a Freudian slip. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you communicate with a fish? | Drop him a line. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Mama's Bible | Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida . The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. That chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Someone was taken down to the police station after they were caught drinking vodka from a coffee cup while driving. | They took a mug shot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." | A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate. "Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peaches all flavors?" "Well, sir, pick a flavor." "OK, strawberry." With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like strawberries. "That's amazing! It really tastes like strawberries. Can you do blueberry?" With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like blueberries. "Here's a good one. Peanut butter and jelly." The man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into the peach and it tasted like peanut butter. "Hey, I taste the peanut butter but where's the jelly?" "Turn it around," replied the man. The customer turned the peach around and bit into it and tasted jelly." "OK, here's a hard one: pussy." With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer the customer bit into it and responded, "This tastes like shit!" "Turn it around," replied the man. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone? | Because eventually, its cover would be blown. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. | I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man comes home one night with a duck under his arm. | He walks up to his wife and says "Look at the pig I've been fucking." She replies "That's a duck you moron!" The man says "I wasn't talking to you." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet? | Because thimbles aren't very loud. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm living in a rough neighbourhood... | Some thug tore the front and back pages of my dictionary out! It just goes from Bad to Worse |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are ophans no good at baseball? | They dont know where home is. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | a guy's wife died | so in her memory, every month, he takes half of his paycheck and throws in in the trash |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie.... | Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?" "Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Me? Racist? | No way! Racism is a crime, and crime is for black people. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I used to think my brain was the most important part of my body | Then I thought, look who's telling me that. Edit: LAUGH AT THE JOKE |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The secretary keeps hearing music coming from the printer... | I think the paper is jamming. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I could see my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load last night... | I could see it in her eyes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods... | A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew | Harry made it out of the chamber |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... | Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I found a large collection of /r/jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold... | 01) great 02) great 03) great 04) great 05) great 06) great 07) great 08) great 09) great 10) great 11) fucking gold |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know... | 3/2 of the world's population sucks at fractions? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I will work for Apple | But I take bananas too. Or just any food. Please. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a paedophile's favourite musical scale? | A minor |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's grey and comes in pints? | An Elephant. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man collapses in a busy street. | Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!" Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's parents? | Just one buck. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet? | The toilet only has to take shit from one asshole at a time. . . |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | country drive | One day, a man was driving down the road in the country. He looks over and sees a cute little pig in the field. He pulls over and picks up the pig. He is driving around town and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says, "What are you doing with that pig in the car?" Driver says, "Well I just founs the pig down the road in the field." Cop says, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo.!" Driver says, "Well alright" Cop says, "I mean it, you take that pig to the zoo" So the next day, guy is driving around town and he still has the pig in the car and the cop sees him and pulls him over again and says, "Hey, what are you doing! I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" Driver says, "Well I did take rhe pig to the zoo! We had such a good time, we are going to the ball game now!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. | "Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot." Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A world without women...... | Is a pain in the ass |
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