Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the dirtiest language?	Latin, its absolutely filled with cum.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.	Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are jewish potion makers all male?	He brew
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I bought my friend an elephant for his room.	He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the bike fall over?	Because it was two tired.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary.	... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Christmas Joke	Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?	He died.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	[OC] Are vegetarians allowed to have pudding?	If so how can they have pudding if they don't eat their meat?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A new couple start fooling around...	After a bit the man sticks two fingers inside the woman's vagina and starts turning them to the right. "What are you doing!?" she asks puzzled. "To be honest, the first time we had sex I thought you were a little loose," he responds "and as the old saying goes: righty tighty".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church	A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mother discusses her son with her husband	"Honey, I think our son got some bad influence at his school... the other day, he was angry to me and called me a 'bitch'!" The father was angered: "That son of a bitch..." ---- In a later occasion, the mother told the son that his father has grounded him for being a naughty boy: he may not play his console game for 1 month full. The boy was livid: "Motherfucker..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...	But I laugh more
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	To Dig.	I dig. We dig. He dig. She dig. They dig. It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's very deep!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the best way to carve wood?	Whittle by whittle.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains	When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?" Tonto said, "Buffalo come." Lone Ranger asks, "How can you tell?" Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?	Because he isn't real.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	It's a good thing Harambe got shot....	Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Psychic punches a blind man.	The blind man didn't see it coming, but the psychic did.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	a little boy's Christmas	A little boy went to see Santa. He was sitting on Santas lap and Santa says to the boy, "I know what you want for Christmas, you want a B O O K (Santa spells the word book, with each letter he taps the boy on the nose) Little boy replies, "No. Thats not what I want for Christmas". Santa says, "Then I know what you want for Christmas," Santa taps the boy on the nose and spells, "B I K E". Again the little boy says," No. That is not what I want for Christmas". Santa says, "Then what do you want for Christmas?" Boy says" I want some P U S S Y and dont try to tell me you havent got any because I can smell it on your finger."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's an owl's favorite rock band?	Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An old man and his wife have gone to bed.	After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart. So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hillary Clinton's recent case of pneumonia just goes to show	There's only one candidate who can dodge a draft.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why'd the scarecrow get promoted?	He was outstanding in his field.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp	at the age of 73, going on 74.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A couple of magnets showed their positive side...	they got divorced.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Baby come over.	I'm coming over. Using walkie talkies in bed is strange over.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?	Baryon my wayward son!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does the wife do when her husband is struggling to breathe on the floor?	She shoots him again.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An engineer has girlfriend but she lives in other nation ......	.......& that nation is "Imagination"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...	I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!" I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!! Tears welling in his eyes, he jumped. As he was jumping, I said, "After you jump, everyone will dearly miss you when they recall that you hanged yourself!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bus Driver	So a little boy gets on a bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling "if my mother was a monkey and my father was a monkey id be a baby monkey" The driver is getting annoyed and the little boy yells again "if my mother was an elephant and my father was an elephant id be a baby elephant" This goes on a few more times, the bus driver slams the brakes and turns around to shout at the boy "WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A HOOKER AND YOUR DAD WAS GAY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE THEN" The boy replies, "a bus driver" (Sorry if repost or not funny)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature??	I guess it's too grue-some.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...	it was hard to grasp.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Duke the dog	A young man arrived a little early to pick up his date. The young man was invited in and was asked to wait in the living room with the young woman's father. Father is not very friendly and the family dog comes over to the nervous young man and sits down. Being nervous the young man has a terrible case of gas and takes a chance and releases some. The father loudly says' "Duke" The young man is releaved thinking the father thinks the dog passed gas. So the young man releases some more. Again the father shouts "Duke!!". The young man is beginning to feel better and he passes gas one more time and the father says "Duke, get over here before he shits on you!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do Java programmers need glasses?	Because they can't C#.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between 'Oh' and 'Oooh'?	About three inches
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?	"Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I only drink twice a year	When it's my birthday, and when it's not
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Which profession has the worst sense of humour?	Well, chiropodists like corny jokes. But opticians like them cornea.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?	Because it was making him moody.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.	As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	how many /r/jokes user does it take to repost a joke?	three. one to actually do it, one to complain that it has been done before, and another one to repost the said repost
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..	All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I couldn't imagine my parents having sex	So last night I hid in their closet and watched
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"No one cares about the jews"	"Yeah, they do" "No they don't. During the holocaust i killed 3 jews and one clown" "Why one clown?" "See? No one cares about the jews"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...	I asked, "Are you two an item?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can't even...	...so I guess I'm odd.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	It's so cold outside	I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races?	They're always coming in a little behind.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys.	When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later, the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return. Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. "That's just terrible!" his wife said. "It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?	Because he dropped the beet.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the banana go to the hospital?	It wasn't peeling well.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hitler was a bad guy... But then again he did kill hitler.	But he also killed the guy that killed hitler, so...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two termites go on a date..	Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Birthday present	A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday. The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch" So they let him
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas...	The Texan asked "How large is your farm?" The Indian replied, "See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?" The Texan nodded and said, "If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you will reach the end of my property line." The Indian famer chuckled and said, "Yeah, I've owned cars like that too."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb	One... but the lightbulb has to want to change.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over	One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Now that Donald Trump having a real shot at the presidency, who is most afraid?	Every Juan!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference	At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. "How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers. "Wait and watch" answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to mount Olive?	Popeye beat the shit out of him.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator...	But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was six afraid of seven?	Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Seven also has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Mom burned my Hawaiian pizza today...	I guess she should have put the oven on aloha setting...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said?	"Stay out of those places!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	what does Geico and your girlfriend have in common?	Shes so easy a cave man could do her.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Today I quit smoking cold turkey	Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	It's true that blacks can be racist too!	But just like everything else in life, whites are always better at it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Someone told me my clothes were gay.	I said, “Yeah, they’ve just come out of the closet.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why didn't Jesus have any children?	He only got nailed by guys ;)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."	The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..." The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" And the guy says, "Your light was on."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why don't blind people skydive?	It scares their dogs too much
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a hookers fart?	A prostitoot
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You hold the power to save them...	With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately. You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power. Suddenly you see a man and woman in the water, fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. Suddenly you know who they are - it's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, caught in the storm surge while leaving the debate! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them away, forever. You have two options. You can save them or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the lives of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the deaths of two of the most powerful people in the United States. And here's the question (please give an honest answer): Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.	It was tense.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man goes up to an indian woman...	he says "you must be ladesh?" she goes "what do you mean?" "well this summer, im goin to Bangladesh"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you think the unthinkable?	With an itheberg
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family.	Hasidic
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.	Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where does Moses get his coffee?	Hebrews it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!"	The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito?	M'laria
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?	They don't. They just talk about when it did work.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's it called when you're killing time at work hiding in the bathroom?	Stalling.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What type of road race do Donald Trump supporters run?	3 K's
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happens when two pastries divorce?	They have a custardy battle
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A fly drops 6 inches.	There's a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish. The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it. Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish. Across the lake on the shore there's a hunter who is aiming his rifle at that bear. He misses because a mouse is eating his crackers and that little noise was enough to ruin his aim. The cat that has been stalking the mouse then tries to pounce on the mouse but misses and ends up in the water. Moral of the story: When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy is sure to get wet.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where do suicide bombers go where they die?	Everywhere.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Little Johnny	Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's black, cheap, and not worth a damn?	A cup of decaf
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you access a watersports/golden shower porn site if you don't know the URL?	You just use the IP address
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I really hate my partners calling me the wrong name during sex.	My name is not "Help" or "Get off me".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Today I quit drinking for good	now I only drink for evil
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...	The plot thickens
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?	Aye Matey
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole	The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep. He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound. He throws in a big stick; still no sound He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed. The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?" "Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole" "That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How are children like cellphones?	If you’ve lost one and haven’t found it in a couple days, chances are it’s probably dead.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair?	Because they're bad conductors.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Son Kerry and Puppies	So I was walking down the street with my son kerry and we seen a couple of dogs having sex. My son being young and all says "dad what are they doing" I say "they making puppies son" "like that?" "yeah right from behind son. Anyway a few days later kerry walks in on me and the wife having sex and goes "dad what are yous doing?" I say "we making your little brother son" He says "turn the bitch over, id rather have puppies"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the dirtiest language?

Latin, its absolutely filled with *cum*.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why are jewish potion makers all male?

He brew

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "thanks", I said "don't mention it"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why did the bike fall over?

Because it was two tired.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary.

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The Irishman replied, 'These are Carol's'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Did you hear about the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He died.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

[OC] Are vegetarians allowed to have pudding?

If so how can they have pudding if they don't eat their meat?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A new couple start fooling around...

After a bit the man sticks two fingers inside the woman's vagina and starts turning them to the right. "What are you doing!?" she asks puzzled. "To be honest, the first time we had sex I thought you were a little loose," he responds "and as the old saying goes: righty tighty".

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A mother discusses her son with her husband

"Honey, I think our son got some bad influence at his school... the other day, he was angry to me and called me a 'bitch'!" The father was angered: "That son of a bitch..." ---- In a later occasion, the mother told the son that his father has grounded him for being a naughty boy: he may not play his console game for 1 month full. The boy was livid: "Motherfucker..."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are...

But I laugh more

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

To Dig.

I dig. We dig. He dig. She dig. They dig. It's not a very beautiful poem, but it's very deep!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains

When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?" Tonto said, "Buffalo come." Lone Ranger asks, "How can you tell?" Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

It's a good thing Harambe got shot....

Dicks out for dead kids just doesn't sound good

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Psychic punches a blind man.

The blind man didn't see it coming, but the psychic did.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

a little boy's Christmas

A little boy went to see Santa. He was sitting on Santas lap and Santa says to the boy, "I know what you want for Christmas, you want a B O O K (Santa spells the word book, with each letter he taps the boy on the nose) Little boy replies, "No. Thats not what I want for Christmas". Santa says, "Then I know what you want for Christmas," Santa taps the boy on the nose and spells, "B I K E". Again the little boy says," No. That is not what I want for Christmas". Santa says, "Then what do you want for Christmas?" Boy says" I want some P U S S Y and dont try to tell me you havent got any because I can smell it on your finger."

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What's an owl's favorite rock band?

Owls personally prefer the track list of Rock Band 2. Just a solid game.

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart. So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

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Hillary Clinton's recent case of pneumonia just goes to show

There's only one candidate who can dodge a draft.

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Why'd the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field.

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Sad to hear of the passing of Liesl von Trapp

at the age of 73, going on 74.

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A couple of magnets showed their positive side...

they got divorced.

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Baby come over.

I'm coming over. Using walkie talkies in bed is strange over.

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What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

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What does the wife do when her husband is struggling to breathe on the floor?

She shoots him again.

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An engineer has girlfriend but she lives in other nation ......

.......& that nation is "Imagination"

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I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!" I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!! Tears welling in his eyes, he jumped. As he was jumping, I said, "After you jump, everyone will dearly miss you when they recall that you *hanged* yourself!!"

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Bus Driver

So a little boy gets on a bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling "if my mother was a monkey and my father was a monkey id be a baby monkey" The driver is getting annoyed and the little boy yells again "if my mother was an elephant and my father was an elephant id be a baby elephant" This goes on a few more times, the bus driver slams the brakes and turns around to shout at the boy "WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A HOOKER AND YOUR DAD WAS GAY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE THEN" The boy replies, "a bus driver" (Sorry if repost or not funny)

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Why is the new Zork game rated M for mature??

I guess it's too grue-some.

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When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...

it was hard to grasp.

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Duke the dog

A young man arrived a little early to pick up his date. The young man was invited in and was asked to wait in the living room with the young woman's father. Father is not very friendly and the family dog comes over to the nervous young man and sits down. Being nervous the young man has a terrible case of gas and takes a chance and releases some. The father loudly says' "Duke" The young man is releaved thinking the father thinks the dog passed gas. So the young man releases some more. Again the father shouts "Duke!!". The young man is beginning to feel better and he passes gas one more time and the father says "Duke, get over here before he shits on you!"

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Why do Java programmers need glasses?

Because they can't C#.

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What's the difference between 'Oh' and 'Oooh'?

About three inches

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What did the dog say after a hard day at work ?

"Today sure was ruff" Read that today on my university's art wall and made me smile a bit , thought i'd share it :P

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I only drink twice a year

When it's my birthday, and when it's not

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Which profession has the worst sense of humour?

Well, chiropodists like *corny* jokes. But opticians like them *cornea*.

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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

Because it was making him moody.

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A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."

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how many /r/jokes user does it take to repost a joke?

three. one to actually do it, one to complain that it has been done before, and another one to repost the said repost

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Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

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I couldn't imagine my parents having sex

So last night I hid in their closet and watched

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"No one cares about the jews"

"Yeah, they do" "No they don't. During the holocaust i killed 3 jews and one clown" "Why one clown?" "See? No one cares about the jews"

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At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, "Are you two an item?"

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I can't even...

...so I guess I'm odd.

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It's so cold outside

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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[NSFW] Why don't pedophiles ever win races?

They're always coming in a little behind.

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A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys.

When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later, the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return. Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. *"That's just terrible!"* his wife said. *"It was terrible all right,"* said the fisherman. *"But you should have seen the one that got Away!"*

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Why was the clumsy vegetable farmer a good dj?

Because he dropped the beet.

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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

It wasn't peeling well.

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Hitler was a bad guy... But then again he did kill hitler.

But he also killed the guy that killed hitler, so...

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Two termites go on a date..

Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.

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Birthday present

A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday. The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch" So they let him

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An Indian farmer is speaking to a farmer from Texas...

The Texan asked "How large is your farm?" The Indian replied, "See that light pole? My farm is about from where standing to there. How about yours?" The Texan nodded and said, "If you wake up at the crack of dawn and you begin to drive, and you drive and drive and drive, at about noon, you will reach the end of my property line." The Indian famer chuckled and said, "Yeah, I've owned cars like that too."

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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb

One... but the lightbulb has to want to change.

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A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over

One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

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Now that Donald Trump having a real shot at the presidency, who is most afraid?

Every Juan!

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Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. "How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer. "Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers. When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip. So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers. "Wait and watch" answered an engineer. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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Did you hear what happened when the Pope went to mount Olive?

Popeye beat the shit out of him.

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My Dream is to Become the World's Best Procrastinator...

But I'll start chasing my dreams another day, I don't feel like it now.

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Why was six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. Seven also has a hook for a hand, which is very scary.

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My Mom burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess she should have put the oven on aloha setting...

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I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said?

"Stay out of those places!"

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what does Geico and your girlfriend have in common?

Shes so easy a cave man could do her.

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Today I quit smoking cold turkey

Turns out hot turkey is much better for smoking.

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It's true that blacks can be racist too!

But just like everything else in life, whites are always better at it.

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Someone told me my clothes were gay.

I said, “Yeah, they’ve just come out of the closet.”

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Why didn't Jesus have any children?

He only got nailed by guys ;)

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A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..." The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist." The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" And the guy says, "Your light was on."

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Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares their dogs too much

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What do you call a hookers fart?

A prostitoot

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You hold the power to save them...

With all your honor and dignity, what would you do? Please don't answer without giving it serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately. You're in Florida ... in Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power. Suddenly you see a man and woman in the water, fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow they look familiar. Suddenly you know who they are - it's Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, caught in the storm surge while leaving the debate! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them away, forever. You have two options. You can save them or you can take the best photo of your life. So you can save the lives of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the deaths of two of the most powerful people in the United States. And here's the question (please give an honest answer): Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

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The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

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A man goes up to an indian woman...

he says "you must be ladesh?" she goes "what do you mean?" "well this summer, im goin to Bangladesh"

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How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

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What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family.

Hasidic

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My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.

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Where does Moses get his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

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What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito?

M'laria

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How many Dallas Cowboys fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

They don't. They just talk about when it did work.

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What's it called when you're killing time at work hiding in the bathroom?

Stalling.

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What type of road race do Donald Trump supporters run?

3 K's

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What happens when two pastries divorce?

They have a custardy battle

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A fly drops 6 inches.

There's a fly hovering above a lake just out of the reach of a fish. The fly drops 6 inches so the fish jumped out of the water and eats it. Unfortunately there is a bear waiting for that fish and the bear snags the fish. Across the lake on the shore there's a hunter who is aiming his rifle at that bear. He misses because a mouse is eating his crackers and that little noise was enough to ruin his aim. The cat that has been stalking the mouse then tries to pounce on the mouse but misses and ends up in the water. Moral of the story: When the fly drops 6 inches the pussy is sure to get wet.

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Where do suicide bombers go where they die?

Everywhere.

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Little Johnny

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

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What's black, cheap, and not worth a damn?

A cup of decaf

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How do you access a watersports/golden shower porn site if you don't know the URL?

You just use the IP address

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I really hate my partners calling me the wrong name during sex.

My name is not "Help" or "Get off me".

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Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

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[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

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What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday?

Aye Matey

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A man is walking through a forest and sees a huge hole

The whole is really deep. It's huge and dark and seems bottomless, so the man decides to see how deep. He throws in a pebble and listens, but it doesn't make a sound. He throws in a big stick; still no sound He throws in a huge tree stump he prised up out of the ground; nothing Suddenly, a dog comes running by and jumps straight into the hole at alarming speed. The man stares into the hole, dumbfounded, when another man walks by and asks "have you seen my dog?" "Yeah" he replies, "he just jumped in this hole" "That's funny" the other man replies, "I had him tied to a tree stump"

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How are children like cellphones?

If you’ve lost one and haven’t found it in a couple days, chances are it’s probably dead.

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Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair?

Because they're bad conductors.

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My Son Kerry and Puppies

So I was walking down the street with my son kerry and we seen a couple of dogs having sex. My son being young and all says "dad what are they doing" I say "they making puppies son" "like that?" "yeah right from behind son. Anyway a few days later kerry walks in on me and the wife having sex and goes "dad what are yous doing?" I say "we making your little brother son" He says "turn the bitch over, id rather have puppies"