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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. | I don't know y. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dad Joke | Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of music do astronauts love? | Neptunes! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three fourth grade boys participate in a dick measuring contest... | The boys are white, black and Korean. They all three pull out their whangs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a *long* shot. When the black boy goes home, he goes up to his mom and says "Mooom! Today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is it because I'm black?? She said "No Tyrone its because you're 18". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". | I am pretty sure about it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Shout-out to my grandma | Because that's the only way she can hear me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... | I'm just afraid of commitment. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | We have a strange custom in our office. | We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? | The rogue one |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." | The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? | Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? | Cliffhanger. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool. | Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there." Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money. Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate. Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present | They're due back at the library today. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I rang the RSPCA hotline... | I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... | The black objects absorb more. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why was the anomaly so poor? | Because it didn't make any cents! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... | Baa dum tssssss |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you read Trump's "Art of the Deal"? | It has four Chapter 11's. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Married for the 4th time | A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse Careers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Being autistic is a bit like being a photon... | Getting from here to someplace else is instantaneous, but what happens in between is incomprehensible. (source: am autistic) |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A cowboy from Texas | A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What does an electrician say while meditating? | Ohm... Ohm... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A housewife takes a lover during..... | A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet | I don't know Y. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to fall down the stairs | Step 1. Step 2. Step 5. Step 8. Step 13. Step 17. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What should you never ask at a gay bar? | Can I push your stool in? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. | They've left those kids a loan. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can you conquer the largest continent on earth? | No, but Genghis Khan! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon... | No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I started downloading Jaws the other day | But after one megabyte, my computer died. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street? | You need to cul de sac. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a pirate's favourite letter? | You'd think "R", but his first love be the "C". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 2020 Olympic high jump results | Gold - Mexico Silver - Mexico Bronze - Mexico |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here] | The Library, it has the most stories...... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man stumbles upon a Genie and is granted 3 wishes. | Genie: What is your first wish? Joe: I want to be rich. Genie: Granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Shout-out to everyone who is struggling with establishing their identity. | You know who you are. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was dating this girl in a wheelchair.... | I tried so hard not to let her walk out of my life. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? | A star-spangled banner |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Yoda need a stepladder in the chocolate shop? | Because he was reaching for a galaxy far, far away. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Satan's favorite headset? | S810. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did Snoop Dogg wear a rain jacket? | For the Drizzle |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hearing problems | I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?" | "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate...!!!" "Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. | He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible. | She saw right through me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How to keep idiot waiting? | I'll tell tomorrow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a knitting snake? | A nanaconda. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Cop: "Did you kill this man?"...... | Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you detach frogs leg | You Ribbit |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump got angry with computers again... | Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate. Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name: "Alternative Fax" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I wanted to buy my first car | And since my friend is a car expert, I looked to him. I wanted a Toyata, since my dad owned one, and he said he knew the kind I wanted. He drove me to a giant department store, the type that sells everything, and led me inside. We walked for a long while, then I realised we had passed the car sale section. I told my friend this and he said he knew what he was doing. As we entered the toy department he walked to Star Wars toys and picked one out, he then gave it to me. I asked him what it was and he said 'It's a toy Yoda'. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years. | the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a fake noodle? | An impasta |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy and his grandpa | A grandfather is sitting on his porch having a beer when his grandson walks out and asks to try a sip. "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The grandpa asks. "No" says the boy. "Well, then you can't have any" says the grandpa. The next summer day, it's hot out and the grandson is sitting on the porch eating ice cream. The grandfather comes out to sit with the boy and says, "boy it sure is hot! You mind giving your grandpa a bit of that ice cream?". "That depends. Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asks the boy. "Well, yeah it can" says the man. "Well then go fuck yourself" says the boy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me I didnthave the confidence to farm rocks. | You should have seen the look on his face when I grew boulder. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two scotsmen are playing golf. | There are two Scotsmen out for a day of golf, Angus is ready to swing on the fifteenth hole. There is a country road that runs parallel to the course. As Angus is about to swing a funeral procession comes around the corner. He stops and takes off his hat until the funeral procession passed and turned the corner. His friend is clearly moved, "Aye Angus, that was a very nice thing to do. Very respectful of ye to do that for that family." Angus gets ready to continue paying and nods, "Aye, she was a good wife." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's a programmer's favorite drug? | Codeine. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call your GPS if it has the voice of Terry Crews? | Crews Control. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I exercise very early in the morning | Because if i don't my brain will figure out what i'm doing! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tried to catch fog today. | Mist. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on Reddit than I am IRL | After all, most of my comments here just have the one point. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | There's a woman who gets dropped off at my building for work every day by the husband. | And every day the husband will come out and go to the passenger side to open the car door for her. Seeing so much love from the husband I decided to ask her whether this has always been the way. She replied no, it only started two years ago. I asked "What made him change?" The woman replied "Change? the inside door handle stopped working two years ago. He didn't want to change it." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Wife walks up to husband, takes off her pants and says, "Make me feel like a woman" | Husband takes off his pants, tosses it to his wife and says, "That needs a wash." ~~Edit: I had a feeling butthurt people will be coming in shortly. Bring on the downvotes!~~ Edit #2: I didn't realize that my joke would garner such a decent amount of upvotes. I was honestly confident that it will have more downvotes than upvotes... Err thanks, I guess? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between the French Flag and Trump supporters? [Not Very Political] | Trump's supporters aren't COMPLETELY white. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So apparently "self-deprecating humour" is what's popular now... | And I'm really not that good at it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite fruit? | Cantaloupe |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A science teacher stood in the front of the class and asked... | "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My roommate seemed like he was in denial when I told him I spilled all his protein powder... | ...he just kept saying "no whey, no whey" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Are you my daddy?" | A woman is all ready to give birth to her first baby. The doctor, obstetrician, and nurses are all waiting for the birth. The doc checks for any signs of progress and suddenly he feels something moving, pulls back his hand and this little head pops out, sees the doc and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "No, I'm not," the doctor replies. The head pops back in. Then the obstetrician goes over to check out the situation. The baby pops out his head and asks him, "Are you my daddy?" "Nope, I didn't do it," and the baby pops back in. The doctor calls the father and says, "Sir, the baby seems to be reluctant to come out---he keeps asking for his father. Would you please come to the delivery room?" So the father is standing there and the baby pops his head out again, and seeing his father the little one asks in an annoyed voice, "Are YOU my daddy?" Dad kneels down and answers proudly, "Yes, son, I am your lucky father!" The baby starts tapping his index finger violently and repeatedly on his father's forehead and asks, "This is pretty annoying, isn't it?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've cut this piece of wood 3 times ... | ... and it's still too short. -Bob Edmiston |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt. | "That was dope!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call an angry Muslim in Ramadan? | Fastin' Furious |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I wanted to get a brain transplant... | But I changed my mind. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? | Aye Matey |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second. | The refill contained the antidote. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Friends are like penguins | If you stab it, it dies. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My Dad voted Republican his entire life. | After he died he voted Democrat |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Need to build an ark? | I Noah guy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | China already tried Trump's giant wall idea, and we saw how that worked out... | not too many fuckin' Mexicans in China, are there? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A little girl goes to her father... (long) | "Dad, where do we come from?" The father replies, "Well, a long time ago, God decided that he would create Adam, and then a wife for him Eve, to live here on earth. He allowed them to live here and have children and we come from them." The girl, seemingly perplexed, then goes to her mother. "Mom, where do we come from?" The mother says, " Well, I guess you're not too young for this, a long time ago, there were a species of apes that evolved over generations, and one of the successful evolution happened when the apes slowly became human, and we are descendant from that line of apes." The girl, now fuming, goes back to her father, "DAD! why did you lie to me? Mom said that we evolved from apes!" The father, "Oh, I see the confusion. Let me clarify, **MY** family is descendant from Adam and Eve. Your **MOTHER's** family is descendant from apes." A joke my dad told me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? | He pasta way |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I was gonna play Zelda via online emulator, but didn't wanna close the site I was on... | ...so I clicked "open Link in New Tab". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. | Then it dawned on me. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the hipster burn his tongue? | Because he drank coffee before it was cool |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Have you heard of the new rumor about butter? | Never mind, I don't want to spread it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far. | He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why doesn't Mexico ever win any medals in the Olympics? | Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already crossed the border. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. | You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My dog has been chasing people on bikes lately | so I had to take away his bike |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm not keen on Neanderthal comedy. | It's very low-brow humour. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sex is like Maths | Sex is like Maths: You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dave's life sucks | So Dave is having a bad year, lost his wife house and job. It's been months and nothing is going right. A broken man he kneels to pray, "god please I don't ask for much but please I need to win the lottery". The lottery numbers are drawn and he is crestfallen so he tries again, "please God I can't pay my bills or afford food please let me win the lottery". Well numbers are drawn and Dave doesn't win. One last time he kneels to pray. "God if I don't win the lottery I'm finished my life won't be fixable please please please make me win". When the numbers are called he breaks down and screams and curses blaming god. As Dave sits sobbing god appears before him, "you know you could meet me half way and buy a ticket". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! | It's called Twenty Pho Seven |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? | Because they’re really good at it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One day I hope to watch a cable show that says "Brought to you by.. | The bill you pay every fucking month." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits? | Her pussy. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The elderly Italian man went to his parish...... | The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Trump is already generating millions of the new jobs in America! | Thanks to him, protesting is now considered a full time job! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do they call a bra in Sweden? | A holdsemfromfloppin |
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