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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between hard and light? | I can go to sleep with a light on. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man brought his son to a grocery store... | A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance. Despite the scene his son was causing, the father was cool and collected, slowly and calmly saying, "Don't worry, Donald. It'll be alright, Donald, we'll be home soon." A nearby mother was very impressed with the father's self control, and wanted to express her gratitude for such calm parenting. "Sir, I'm amazed that you are able to be so calm! It's not every day I see such patient and gracious parenting. Now little guy, what seems to be the problem, Donald?" "Oh no, ma'am, you're mistaken!" The father interjected, "This is my son, Henry. I'm Donald!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I've seen her google my name. | I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Confucius Say . . . | Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Stabbing a man with a spoon is pointless. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why can you RAN in a campsite, but never RUN in a campsite? | Because it's always past-tents. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I hate Russian dolls. | They're so full of themselves. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls... | One of them says, "man, I wish I could do that!" The other says, "well, maybe you should pet him first." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where did this concept of kidnappers using white vans come from? | I mean, I just use my Prius, stop being so stereotypical, jeez. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a decrepit rickety bus and the Egyptian god of death? | One is an old bus and the other is Anubis. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call Nicki Minaj's buttcrack? | Silicone Valley |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past... | One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two muffins are in a tin in the oven. | One says to the other, "man it's hot in here." The other says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man's baby was born while he was at work... | As soon as he gets out, he rushes to the hospital to see his son. On the first floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where gorgeous babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor". On the second floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where average babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor". On the third floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where ugly babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor". On the fourth floor, he sees a sign which says "here's where hideous babies are". He asks the doctor "Is my baby, Gerald, here?" and the doctor says "no, try next floor". The man, pissed off, goes to the fifth floor. There, he sees a sign which says "here's where Gerald is". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do Reddit Users and Olive Oil have in common? | They're both extra virgin. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a former member of ISIS? | What do you call a former member of ISIS? WASWAS |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm not fucking stupid. | I mean, I was, but we broke up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does a coat steal something? | They jacket |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip. | The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?" "I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!" "You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling | The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm in a complex relationship | My girlfriend is imaginary. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? | Sudden Infant Death Syndrome |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is Reddit's favorite airliner? | Virgin airlines. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the italian chef? | He pasta way |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why did the janitor get fired from the bank? | Because he cleaned out the vault. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why don't aliens eat clowns? | Because they taste funny. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What pokemon does South America have that other continents don't? | Zikachu. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Roses are red.. | I'm in debt. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a hungry girl and a horny girl? | Where she puts the cucumber. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Where does Stevie Wonder park his car? | In blind spots. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center... | ... where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? | Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to suck my dick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many introverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? | Why does it have to be a group activity? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you know that I hold the World's Record for the smallest penis? | It's really hard to beat... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sometimes you have to choose between what is hard and what is easy | Luckily for you I'm both right now |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Dad, tell me a joke" | "Pussy" "I don't get it" "I know, son" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm beginning to suspect I might have bad posture | call it a hunch |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. | Tim complains, "Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?" Scrooge is aghast. "It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it." Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. "How much would you charge to take us home to Springfield Avenue?", Scrooge asks the cab driver. "Springfield Avenue? Around twenty bucks.", says the driver. "Oof! That's too much. We won't be requiring your services, thank you." The cab drives off. Tim turns to his grandfather, exasperated. "Did you *really* think that a taxi to Springfield Avenue would cost less than a bus ride?", he asks, incredulously. "Don't be ridiculous, of course not.", Scrooge scoffs. "Then why did you bother flagging down the taxi, Gramps?!" "Foolish boy! We would've saved $6 by not taking the bus, now we're saving $20 by not taking the taxi!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like | Watt |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | They read them up side down | Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [Long] A story of how two wooden planks became best friends | Once upon a time, there were 2 wooden planks. The first one was named Chad, the second was named Carter. Chad hated Carter, and Carter hated Chad even more! One day, Chad was in a bar, drinking a tequila. Carter, drunk, came over to Chad and punched him as hard as a wooden plank could. Chad got angry and retaliated, kicking Carter in the face. They got into a bloody and violent bar fight. They both got arrested. They were sentenced to 8 months in jail, and a hefty fine for damages done to the bar. While in jail, Carter and Chad found that they had many similarities, and soon became best friends in jail. When they got out, they decided to start a business together. 3 years later, Chad and Carter's Hardware store was very successful and they were making tons of money. But, one day, they realized that one of their suppliers had stopped shipping them products! And this wasn't even the first time that they have done this! The 2 wooden planks got very angry, and decided to go give the owner of the factory a piece of their mind. They went over to the factory, which was called, "Plank and Nail Industries." Chad thought that this name was a bit creepy. They entered the factory, and saw a quite normal looking lobby, with a quite normal looking wooden plank at the counter. "Hey", Chad said. "We would like to speak with your piece of trash manager." The clerk gave them a weird look, but picked up his phone nonetheless and called him. "Please wait 5 minutes while he comes down," he said. So they waited. The owner didn't come. "Where is he?" Carter said. "He is a very busy man," the clerk replied. They waited half an hour. Then 2 hours. Eventually even the clerk seemed very confused. 4 hours later, an angry Chad shouted, "Where is he!?" The clerk replied "I am really not sure. Please just wait a few more minutes." Chad sighed, and then looked to Carter. "How are you feeling?" Carter smacked his lips and said, "I'm board" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? | Roberto |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | No matter how kind you are ... | German children will always be Kinder |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Cooking is actually really easy for anyone to do | It's just that most people don't have thyme. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Hitting the gym | Hitting the gym to release stress it's not nearly effective as hitting the cunt that causes the fucking stress |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A blonde teenager wanting to earn some extra money... | A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The only way to score with a robot | Is to get it in the mode |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together. | It was a big waist of time. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How can you tell you are dealing with an extroverted engineer? | He's staring at somebody else's shoes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do the final scene of titanic and the iPhone 7 have in common? | They both could've fit the jack |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you say to an overworked clothing maker? | You seamstressed. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy is selling fish at the local intersection in town... | "Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!", the boy shouts. A priest walks by, totally confused, so he decides to ask the boy what the problem is. "Son, why are you calling them 'damn fish"? What did they do to you?" "I caught these fish at the local dam, so I'm selling them as dam fish!", he replies. "Oh, now that makes sense!", says the priest. "I'll take two then!" Later that night the priest gets home, slams the two fish down on the counter and tells his wife to "cook the dam fish". "I didn't know it was appropriate for a priest to speak like that.", says his wife. The priest explains to his wife that they were caught at the local damn. "Oh, okay then!", she says, and proceeds to cook the fish for dinner. Later that night at dinner, the priest, his wife, and son are sitting around the dinner table. The priest says to his son, "Son, pass the dam fish." Son: "That's the spirit dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one snowman say to the other? | "Weird...I smell carrots, too." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What are caterpillars afraid of? | Doggerpillars. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy... | ...but because it is cheesy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you keep an erection? | Don't fuck with it |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I lost my watch at a party once | Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | To this day I remember the time my mom forgot to pick me up from school. The school was already empty, only the janitors were left. I cried but they gave me milk and cookies and told me that everything will be all right. | Worst high school experience ever... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I made a new mixtape, it was trash | Until I played it on my new galaxy note 7, then it was fire |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | [JOKE] Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? | For fingering A minor. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are gingers' feet so rough? | Because they have no soles |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a deaf girl hit on me today... | It was a sign |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do people like Hillary Clinton? | When she can't even stand herself? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Bill Cosby awarded another honorary degree from Boston University, | this time is was Anesthesiology. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What happens when you shoot a black man? | You go to jail for impersonating a police officer... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Moscow cops | Did you hear the one about why Moscow cops patrol in threes? One who can read, one who can write, and another to keep an eye on the other two "dangerous intellectuals". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA? | Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Best bar ever | Three friends are having beers and start comparing the greatest bars. The first says "I once went to a bar where they gave you a free beer for each beer you buy." The next says "That's nothing, I once went to a bar where they gave a free beer and a free shot for each beer you buy." The last guy says "Well I've heard of a bar where they let you drink as much as you want for free and then take you in the back room and get you laid." "Wow," the first friend responds, "you've actually been to this bar?" The third guy answers "I haven't... but my sister has." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | GASSY GRANNY | An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two military men walk into a bathroom... | One from the Army. One from the Marines. They both go pee, and finish around the same time. But only the Marine goes to the sink to wash his hands. Just before the Army guy left, the Marine stopped him and said: "Hey, aren't you going to wash your hands? In the Marines, we were taught to wash our hands after pissing." The Army guy laughed, "Well, in the Army, we were taught not to piss on ours." Then, he left. (a favorite joke from my Uncle (Army - MSG). Had to share. RIP) *This is a joke, and in no way reflects my opinion of any branch of the US military...I love and appreciate all of you* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call 'looking for a Korean'? | Seoul searching |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've got two kids, jane and emma, they get bullied at school. | I can't make it stop but i can help them rise above it. The other day i said to them, “Look, boys…” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So a neutron walks into a bar... | ...And he asks the bartender "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you? Free of charge" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How does Moses get his tea ready? | Hebrews |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three buddies watching Sunday night football. | An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants’ house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and says “hey let me go and get the beer, I will be much faster than you, I have more legs, I’m built for speed” the ant thought this guy is too full of himself but lets him go get the beer anyways. It then started to rain, an hour & half passes, the spider and the ant got worried because the centipede has been gone far too long now. The spider tells the ant “ok I will go out and see if I can find him.” The spider puts on his shoes, grabs an umbrella and starts to head out. When the spider opens the door, surprisingly there is the centipede at the front door. “Hey man, what took you so long? Where’s the beer?” Centipede looks up and responds “huh! I haven’t even finished putting on all my shoes yet.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An old man asks his doctor for a half dose of Viagra | Doc: I'm afraid that a half dose won't quite be enough Old man: Oh I don't want a full erection. I just want a little lift so I stop peeing on my shoes! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My brother is so dumb. | He was complaining about jockeys squeezing his balls. I told him to try boxers. He came back and said, no their hands are too rough. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | we don't want to have children anymore | Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I heard paralympic basketball players are very selfish, they never pass | All they do is dribble. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy | His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane." Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the same about an election and an erection? | They're only one letter different, and both are about a dick rising to power. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? | Virgin Mobile |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man asks a farmer near a field | A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A birdwatcher and his friend were walking through Central Park. | A bird tweets and the birdwatcher identifies it and then turns to a tree and says, 'There it is.' His friend says, 'That's amazing. How did you hear that over the noise of all these people around us?' The birdwatcher says, 'It's all in what you want to hear. Watch.' He whispers, 'Want to fuck, baby?' Female heads all through the crowd turn to look at them. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did Achilles say when he got hit by an arrow? | Aww heel no! Kill me right now. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A boy comes home after school one day | A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?” “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.” Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.” “That’s right, Dad.” “Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.” “That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.” |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A guy comes home one day to find his girlfriend packing her stuff. | "Where the hell do you think you're going!?" She replies "I know all about you! You're a paedophile!" He says "Ooooh! Big word for an eight year old!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | NSFW Squirting | "Squirting isn't a real thing is it, it's just pee, right?" Interviewer: "I meant questions about the job". |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb? | Why does it have to be a group activity? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two kids were wondering if God is black or white.. | So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you here about the girl who got electrocuted by her vibrator at a sleep over? | It was such a buzz kill |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The Glue Truck | A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck to the road. A crowd gathers around the helpless pedestrian, all wanting a look at the man and thinking about how to help him, although he's in a sticky situation that looks quite inescapable. The 1000kg of glue is taking its toll on the mans body and he manages to squeak out the words "please... I don't think I have long left.". The crowd looks shocked when another man decides to take action and shouts "Everyone quiet! Now please, is anyone here a fireman, a body builder, an engineer, anything that could help this poor man?" At just this moment the crowd parts like the Red Sea, as a young women crawls through to the front where the man is stuck to the floor. "Madam, can you or do you know of any way to help this man?" After a long minute of panting the women finally opens her mouth. "No... I just wanted to say I'm also glue-tonne intolerant." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's not possible to have a 12 inch penis... | because then it would be considered a foot. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of? | The X men! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dyslexic Terrorists | Showed up on 11-9. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | "Don't knock it till you tried it!" | Doesn't help your defence in court. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How come I didn't get upset when the Indian restaurant got my order wrong? | It was a Naan issue |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Women are like magnets... | I have no clue how they work. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you save a pirate's life? | C P Arrr! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So, a penguin is driving down the road... | So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here." "Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin, "I am famished." So, the penguin starts walking do- well, waddling down town, and he sees an ice cream shop. Everyone knows that penguins fuckin' love ice cream so he orders an ice cream cone. He starts to eat it, but it gets all over his beak and face, because he doesn't have any opposable thumbs, he is a penguin. He starts to wal- ddle back to the mechanic shop. The mechanic, who is just finishing up, rolls out from under the truck and says to the penguin, "Well Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin shrugs and replies, "Nah, that is just a bit of ice cream." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | The difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. | Usain Bolt managed to finish a race while Hitler couldn't. |
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