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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What's the difference between a Goodyear tire and 365 condoms?
One is a Goodyear and one is a great year
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Jesus had long hair
A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him. "Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate." The son accepted the challenge and worked very hard all year. He got the best grades of his life and graduated top of his class. "Well, Dad. I held up my end of the bargain. Top of my class. I'll take a Ford Mustang, red." The dad smiled and said "Well done, son. Your grades are impressive. Now all you need to do is cut your hair and the car is yours." "But dad," the son protested "what's wrong with my hair being long? You're a preacher... JESUS had long hair." "Yep," said the dad "and he walked every god damn place he went too."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
If Trump is elected president...
He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Funerals are like family reunions
minus one
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me." Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What's the difference between an arts graduate and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
The Old Man's Physical......
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?'' And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.'' Well, upon hearing this, the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?'' And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I don't know why, but the record for oldest person seems to be cursed.
Every time someone gets it, they die shortly afterwards.
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What do you call a magic owl?
Hoo-dini!
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I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"
I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy "
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I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment.
I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.
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Have you heard of the musical condoms?
They started a rubber band.
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In was in a bar the other day. The barman said "I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"
Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Saw a blonde taking a milk bath...
I said: Is it pasturized? She said: No silly, it's only up to my tits.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why do black people have white palms?
Because everyone has a little bit of good in them.
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And on the third day, Jesus came back.
Because he accidentally left one of his edge trimmers in my backyard.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.
They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports . They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.
"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife. She said, "Yeah..." I said, "It's 9pm and my house."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Do you smoke cigarettes?
Paul: Do you smoke cigarettes? Patrick: Oh yes. Paul: How many sticks a day? Patrick: 7 packs. Paul: When did you start smoking? Patrick: 18 years ago. Paul: How much does a pack cost? Patrick: 10 dollars Paul: So you spent 70 dollars a day on cigarettes? Patrick: Yes. Paul: If you had saved the 70 dollars a day for 18 years, that would be $460,000 and you could be driving your own Ferrari right now. Patrick: Can I ask you a question? Paul: Go ahead. Patrick: Do you smoke cigarettes? Paul: No. Patrick: So where is your Ferrari?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
An indian and an asian walked into a bar
They had a great time because not everyone is racist like you.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A man knows he is dying...
... but doesn't like any of his children or relatives. So he calls together his three best friends: a doctor, a priest, and a lawyer. "Guys," he says, "I don't want to leave my money to my ungrateful, squabbling children. I'd rather have it buried with me. I'm giving you each an envelope containing $100,000 dollars in cash. My dying wish is that you will agree to put it in my coffin when I'm dead." The three friends agree to respect the man's wish, and they make a solemn vow to do as he has asked. Six months pass. At the funeral, the men gather. The doctor speaks up first. "I know that Bill's last wish was that we put the envelopes in his coffin. However, I have a confession to make. My envelope is not full. The hospital needed a new dialysis machine, so I bought it with $25,000 of Bill's money. It will save countless lives, and we've dedicated a wing of the hospital to his memory. I think he would want it that way." Then the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. My envelope is also not full. The church's homeless shelter needed a new roof last month. It was going to cost $50,000, and we didn't have it, so I used some of Bill's money. We've renamed the shelter after Bill, and it has already helped countless people - I believe he would have wanted it that way." Then it's the lawyer's turn. He says, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of you. This was Bill's final wish! In my envelope is a check for the full amount."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
My boss said, "Have a good day"...
So I went home.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I walked into a singles bar and spotted a gorgeous female at the bar. "Would you like to play on my twenty foot organ?" I asked her.
She coyly replied "Sure let's go". You should have seen the look on her face when I brought her to my church and asked her to accept Jesus into her heart.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What do you call someone sexually attracted to plants?
A ChloroPhile
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What mom loves...
Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose? Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love? Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
The rectum stretcher
While she was flying down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with a classic patronizing smirk asked, "What's your hurry?" She replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah?," said the cop, "What do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. She politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I still don't understand how to avoid clickbait...
Neither do you
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .
The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why we cremate people:
Some people get creamted because when you die, your family is gonna want to put you in a casket for the funeral. And if they can't decide whether to choose open or closed, they compromise... and put you in ajar.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why did the feminist fail in programming?
She hated objectification.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Favourite of all time
I saw a big black guy running down the street carrying a TV the other day and I thought to myself, "That looks a lot like mine..." But then I remembered mine was at home, polishing my shoes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I really understand how batteries feel...
I'm rarely included in things either.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A woman starts dating a doctor...
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the Priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my Father ?" The Priest replies: "I am your mother. The Arch bishop is your Father ."😳😳
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
After I painted my computer black...
Strawpoll would only work 3-5ths of the time
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
You know what they say about assuming things...
No I have no idea!! Did you assume I did?!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
a pastor, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar.
he orders a drink....
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-einated
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I know kung fu, tae kwan do, ninjitsu, karate, tia chi...
and a few other asian words.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why did the illiterate man with the 11 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend?
TLDR
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How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
With little nazis.
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How do trains eat?
They go chew chew!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Husband and wife in the golf club....
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Today's date: 4/9/16
2 squares/3 squares/4 squares 4/9/16
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain
He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis?
The man.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A man has three girlfriends
He wants to choose one of the three to marry, but cannot decide on which one. To help him choose, he decides to test each one by giving them $5000 to spend however they please. The first girl gets a complete makeover, mani/pedi, hair done, the complete works. She says to the man, "I wanted to look beautiful for you because I love you so much." The second girl bought the man new golf clubs, a new laptop, and new clothes. She says to the man, "I wanted to give you these gifts because I love you so much." The third girl invested the money in the stock market, doubled the money, returned the original $5000 to the man and invested the remaining in bonds. She says to the man, "I want to save for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how the three girls had spent the money, and then decided to marry the girl with the biggest tits.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why are there so many Redditor archeologists?
Because /r/jokes loves digging up the past.
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There were once three kids...
One was named "Crap," one was named "Trouble" and the third was named "Shut Up." They go biking one day when Crap loses control of his bike and falls into a nearby river. Trouble stops to help get him out, but Shut Up continues on his way. Eventually, Shut Up comes upon a police officer, who asks Shut Up his name. "Shut Up" says shut up. "What?" Says the police officer? "Shut Up" "What?" "Shut Up" The police officer, annoyed, asks Shut Up, "are you looking for trouble young man?" Shut Up the says "no, I know where he is. He's down by the river, fishing out Crap."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...
She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony door and to his surprise he sees 3 nervous looking guys. The husband looked very confused until one of the guys finally spoke. "Please help us!! Our plane crashed and we had to parachute to this balcony!!". The husband became very concerned for them and insisted that they stay for dinner before leaving. The 3 guys couldn't believe that the trick worked and they played along. The husband was very hospitable and generous and he made the guys feel pretty much at home. However, the guys felt very very bad about deceiving him and wanted to tell him the truth. They asked him: "Don't you find it odd that 3 army men happened to land on your balcony?" The husband said: "Not really, just last week 3 NAVY SEALs happened to find their way to my bathtub"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
My new girlfriend asked me how I felt about kids.
With my hands was apparently not the right answer.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What do you get if you cross a river with a bridge?
to the other side.
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What is the distinction between a man that has had a vasectomy and one who hasn't?
I don't know, as far as I'm concerned there's not a vas deferens.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when
I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!" "Boulder." He says. **"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.
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Business was great last year. I made 6 figures.
$2,784.93
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Today I woke up to a surprise bj for the first time
Probably should sleep with my mouth closed from now on
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Yo girl, are you from UPS?
Cause I saw you checkin' out my package.
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A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender "I'll have a gin...and tonic." Bartender says "OK, but why the pause?" "I was born with them."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I had a muslim only party
Last night was a blast
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What do you call a writer who feels like they've been born in the wrong body
Transcribe
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick. Possibly better for r/dadjokes, I'll show my self out.
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Two Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I met a Slavic feminist once.
She told me to Czech my privilege.
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Why are there so many Female Archaeologists?
Because women love digging up the past.
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What did Alex Trebek say when he was about to lose his job?
"My career is in Jeopardy!"
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There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
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Dave drowned
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted. (Gary Delaney)
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What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish?
A pan....duh
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When I jerk off I'm not a fancy restaurant about it, I'm more like McDonalds
Fast, easy, and you don't have to get out of the car
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One of my friends told me he didn't like it when I made fish jokes.
But I think he was just being koi.
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What do you do in a master bathroom?
Masterbathe.
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A blind man walks into an i store
"2 please"
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A wife has a crappy day and decides to come home early from work
When she arrives home, she heads upstairs and finds 2 pairs of legs in her bed under the covers. Already in a bad mood, she grabs a baseball bat and has a few swings at her cheating husband and his mistress. Once she's done, she walks to her balcony and finds her husband. He lovingly greets her with "Hi honey, your parents dropped in for a visit, they were feeling a little tired so I let them sleep in our bed".
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Old farmer joke
A drunk farmer comes home late one night with a sheep under his arm. He goes up to bed, and his wife says where the hell have you been? He says "shut up!" He says "this is the pig I've been sleeping with." 'She says " you idiot thats no pig thats a sheep!" The farmer says "SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was talking to the sheep."
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A father's last request
A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
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A Burglar...
A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage. Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus. EDIT: Fixed formatting
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Where is Engagement, Ohio?
It's somewhere between Dayton and Marion.
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I really have to hand it to short people
Because they usually can't reach it anyways.
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If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you
I'd start thinking about you.
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What do you call an underwater dog?
Scuba Doo
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The benefits of good health insurance
Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn't do this five times a day his testicles will explode". "Oh, I didn't know a condition like that exists". Ten minutes later the queen see's a man receiving oral pleasure from a nurse. "What is this!" she yells out. The nurse giving the tour calmly says "same problem, better health insurance."
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Job Interview : "What is your great weakness?"
- Honesty - I don't think that honesty is a weakness - i don't give a shit what you think !
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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening
Many men have died after having a stroke
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What type of energy supplement do terrorist take?
C4
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I started a company
I started a company that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
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I still occasionally fap over my ex
Made a copy of the key to her place when we were together, and she's a heavy sleeper
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Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
Because it ain't murder if they had it comin'!
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2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".
Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"
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I grew up in a small town that only had one general store, one bar and one prostitute.
Mum found it pretty hard working three jobs
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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns...
But then I realised toucan play at that game.
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When I was younger, I used to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body
Then I was born. (Source: sickipedia)
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An English woman, a German woman, an American woman and a Mexican woman were talking.
The English woman said: the other day I got so fed up I told my husband to start helping me with the dishes. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and did all the dishes. The German woman said: I told my husband to start helping me with the washing. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and did all the washing. The American woman said: I was also fed up I told my husband to start helping me with cleaning the toilet. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything either. On the third day though he came home and cleaned the toilet all by himself. The Mexican woman said: I so wanted my husband to start ironing the clothes I told him straight to his face. The first day I didn't see anything. On the second day I couldn't see anything either. On the third day though and with some pain I was able to open my left eye.
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Let me make an iphone joke
Never mind, Ill just come up with a new one
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A feminist asked for my name
I said I'm Hugh Mungus
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My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.
I still wish she didn't have one.   EDIT: to draw attention to new Gender Studies section in comments.
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Keeping marriage fun
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
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Maybe every nation has ninjas
And the Japanese ninjas are just the worst
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Who won the first Tour de France?
The Panzer SS 1st Division