Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin...	I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Donald Trump was guaranteed to become president and Muslims native to America started fleeing the country, trying to find out where to head next.	I don't know about the others. But for me, just to get away from Trump, Iran.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road	A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn. The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals. Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in. In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside. Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I asked my wife if she was up for a game of rape	She said no I said that's the spirit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.	"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game?	The Taliman.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was sitting on the toilet when todays earthquake hit.	The toilet shook like a rollercoaster. It scared the shit out of me.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	13 blackberries and 5 iPads walk into a bar...	They leave hammered
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk.	But, it was an icebreaker.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Mario & Luigi	Mario :- Ey Luigi , whats this funny ol' image called. Luigi:- It a Meme , Mario
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a bear with no teeth?	A gummy bear.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was offered sex today...	...with a 75 year old sugar momma. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. Available at Walgreens Rite-Aid Walmart and participating General Dollar Stores
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.	California said "It's not our fault."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Anyone who says they don't like cats	hasn't had them cooked properly.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do black geese call to white geese?	HONKEY! HONKEY!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is Apple's CEO's favourite TV show?	Lost
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	About the blind man that took up parachuting.	He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	MOM : Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?	MOM : Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? SON : My name is Paul.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The best time to eat candy	Is when she doesn’t have her period.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between my job and my wife?	My job will still suck after 5 years
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside?	K9P.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just purchased Big Foot repellant.	Er, sorry, a camera.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What to do if you found out you Facebook date is ugly	So a guy named Jack was talking to a girl on facebook for a long time, and decided they should meet at a coffee shop or something. Neither one of them knows how other one looks like, so the girl told him what she will be wearing for the meeting, and the guy told her that he will be drinking orange juice. Jack went to the coffee shop, ordered orange juice, unfortunately they told him that they are out of orange juice, so he ordered Apple juice instead. After few minutes the girl came, and started looking for someone with orange juice, Jack was the only one there, so she asked them "Are you Jack?", the girl was super ugly, so Jack answered "Does this look like a F...g orange juice to you?" sorry for any mistakes, it's just translated joke
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling...	When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?' 'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I let my kids play on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7...	They had a Blast!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	France and Italy go to war. Who wins?	Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar...	A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's your favourite animal?	Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now....
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There's a strange new trend in my office...	People have started naming food in the office fridge Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise?	Punishment.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a cow...	with only two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated. What do you call a morbidly obese cow? Yo Momma.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a stick with autism?	Autistic
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount	He said he'd pull some strings.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...	Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is a beer like a woman?	After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert.	As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp. The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish. The black guy steps forward and says "My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history. We are treated like second-class citizens and people always assume the worst of us. My wish is that all black men, women, and children, return to Africa so we can be free of this oppression!" The genie nods and poof the black man disappears. The Mexican, nodding, says "My people, too, have been oppressed! We are also seen as second-class citizens by many Americans. We work long hours for slave wages and our culture is attacked! I wish all Mexican men, women, and children would return to Mexico where we can create a better life free of oppression!" The genie nods and poof the Mexican man disappears. The white hillbilly looks around and asks the genie "So all blacks and Mexicans have left the country?" The genie nods. "I wish for a diet coke."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the longest word in the English language?	SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do	Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post	So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?" "Climb up here and read" - he answered So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What goes in God's Toilet?	Holy crap.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two turbaned Punjabies Kuldip and Jagdip went to Paris and made friends with a young Frenchman named Jean Paul.	For several weeks these two stooges went everywhere Jean Paul went. One day Jean Paul went missing. These two looked everywhere for days but could not find Jean Paul. So they went to the Police and reported that Jean Paul is missing. Policeman: Can you describe your friend Jean Paul? Kuldip: He is fair, tall and handsome. Policeman: All Frenchmen are fair, tall and handsome. Jagdip: He has blue eyes. Policeman: All Frenchmen have blue eyes. Is there something specific in Jean Paul?. Kuldip: Ah we remember now. He has two assholes. Policeman: That's a good clue. How do you know that he has two assholes? Jagdip & Kuldip: Because whenever we go somewhere with Jean Paul, his friends say " Here comes Jean Paul with two assholes".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?	I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Birthdays are good for us...	Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung.	It was pretty shit.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.	The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.	The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.	Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap' That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality	If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?	Their owner.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There was a loud hammering on the door of heaven.	St. Peter appeared and said, "I say, that's a tremendous racket. Who is making all the fuss?" The shabby man standing there said, "I'm Paddy McGinnis and I'm strong with the IRA these thirty years." St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, Mr. McGinnis, but we have no record of you. You can't come in." "And who is saying anything about coming in?" said Paddy. "I'm here a-tellin' you, you've got fifteen minutes to evacuate the place!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Angel	Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so? Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole???	A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Don’t ask me about my pan pizza...	It’s personal.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What were the old-time gangster's last words?	"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?	Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Coffee.	Not my cup of tea.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an anti-joke that makes it to the front page of r/jokes	Honestly, I have no idea. It's still an antijoke, but the subversion of expectation might lead some to call it a joke. It could be both, but that poses somewhat of an existential predicament for this sub. Courtesy of u/FiveBirds
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...	... when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My doctor sang this to me at my birthday	"Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?	See ya next month.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie	Total recall
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?	A lickalottapus.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Poem	Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the drunken idiot who flew into a black hole?	I don't think he understood the gravity of his situation.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by...	...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The female stink badger has 12 potent smelling nipples..	dozen tit make scents
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A redhead tells her blonde step-sister that she slept with a Brazilian...	...and she replies with "Omg! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Does a Priest have a wife?	He has nun.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you make a baker cry?	Kill his family
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?	Note 7
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Why is that cotton candy talking?"	"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The wife came home with four cases of beer,	The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread "Are we expecting guests?" He asked. "No," she replied. *"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Never heard this joke before...	neither will you
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I heard the new iPhone is selling well.	In fact, it's a real 6s.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My friend's a pyromaniac...	I guess you could say he has a "burning desire".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is 77 better then 69?	Because you get eight more!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...	Both books were completely destroyed. The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's E.T. short for?	He's just got little legs.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea?	I've never had a Walnut on my chest..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Son, I've found a condom in your room."	"Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council...	"Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How is God just like every other man?	If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can prove that primates don't exist...	Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are Americans so good at shooting?	They have the best schools for it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.	Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	People are forgetting that illegals are "stealing" jobs that no one else wants	like the job of being Donald Trump's wife
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?	I don't know and I don't care.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?	A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Teacher asked for the chemical formula for water	Teacher: Alright so what is the chemical formula for water? Me: HIJKLMNO Teacher: What are you even saying?! Me: You told us it was H to O!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?	A huge mess.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?	Hula the dogs out?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a guy with a big dick have for breakfast?	I figured you wouldn't know
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The toilet bowl was stolen from the local police precinct last night.	The cops have nothing to go on.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you piss of female archaeologists?	Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it's from.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy goes to the hospital with an infection in his leg	It has gotten so bad that they decide the only course of action is to amputate the leg. So they put the guy under and perform the surgery. When he wakes up, he immediately realizes that they had amputated the wrong leg. He is furious, but they obviously still have to amputate the infected leg. So they put him under and amputate his other leg. When he wakes up, he immediately calls his lawyer to discuss the blatant malpractice. However, he was shocked when he found out he couldn't even sue the hospital. He didn't have a leg to stand on.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Samsung have done well with the Galaxy Note 7	Sales are blowing up!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I thought we had the right to bear arms	but when I got them I was arrested for animal abuse
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man ordered for a voice automated robot car ...	A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their maid's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbors two sons. The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children?!! The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.	I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in. She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-changing database of currency valuations, I tell her, "By today's numbers, you can get eight hundred and fifty dollars for one hundred thousand yen." Bewildered, she asks, "What? I come here six month ago and you give me one thousand dorrah for hundred thousand yen. What big deal?" Not wanting to explain to her the complexities of the global currency market, I simply shrug and say "Fluctuations." Clearly taken aback, the woman picks up her money, looks at me, and says, "Yeah, well FRUCK YOU white people too!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Today I found my first grey pubic hair.	I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin...

I once ordered a dry martini in Berlin. They brought me 3.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Donald Trump was guaranteed to become president and Muslims native to America started fleeing the country, trying to find out where to head next.

I don't know about the others. But for me, just to get away from Trump, Iran.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn. The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals. Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in. In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside. Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I asked my wife if she was up for a game of rape

She said no I said that's the spirit

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game?

The Taliman.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I was sitting on the toilet when todays earthquake hit.

The toilet shook like a rollercoaster. It scared the shit out of me.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

13 blackberries and 5 iPads walk into a bar...

They leave hammered

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk.

But, it was an icebreaker.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Mario & Luigi

Mario :- Ey Luigi , whats this funny ol' image called. Luigi:- It a Meme , Mario

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I was offered sex today...

...with a 75 year old sugar momma. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla. Available at Walgreens Rite-Aid Walmart and participating General Dollar Stores

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Anyone who says they don't like cats

hasn't had them cooked properly.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How do black geese call to white geese?

HONKEY! HONKEY!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What is Apple's CEO's favourite TV show?

Lost

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

About the blind man that took up parachuting.

He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

MOM : Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

MOM : Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? SON : My name is Paul.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The best time to eat candy

Is when she doesn’t have her period.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between my job and my wife?

My job will still suck after 5 years

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside?

K9P.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I just purchased Big Foot repellant.

Er, sorry, a camera.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What to do if you found out you Facebook date is ugly

So a guy named Jack was talking to a girl on facebook for a long time, and decided they should meet at a coffee shop or something. Neither one of them knows how other one looks like, so the girl told him what she will be wearing for the meeting, and the guy told her that he will be drinking orange juice. Jack went to the coffee shop, ordered orange juice, unfortunately they told him that they are out of orange juice, so he ordered Apple juice instead. After few minutes the girl came, and started looking for someone with orange juice, Jack was the only one there, so she asked them "Are you Jack?", the girl was super ugly, so Jack answered "Does this look like a F...g orange juice to you?" sorry for any mistakes, it's just translated joke

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling...

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?' 'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'

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I let my kids play on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7...

They had a Blast!

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France and Italy go to war. Who wins?

Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides

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A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar...

A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, just don't start anything."

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What's your favourite animal?

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now....

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There's a strange new trend in my office...

People have started naming food in the office fridge Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.

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What is the only word that a redneck will capitalise?

Punishment.

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What do you call a cow...

with only two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decalfinated. What do you call a morbidly obese cow? Yo Momma.

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What do you call a stick with autism?

Autistic

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Asked my friend who works at the tampon store if he could get me a discount

He said he'd pull some strings.

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A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...

Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''

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Why is a beer like a woman?

After you drink one you can't shut up or drive.

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A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert.

As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp. The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish. The black guy steps forward and says "My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history. We are treated like second-class citizens and people always assume the worst of us. My wish is that all black men, women, and children, return to Africa so we can be free of this oppression!" The genie nods and *poof* the black man disappears. The Mexican, nodding, says "My people, too, have been oppressed! We are also seen as second-class citizens by many Americans. We work long hours for slave wages and our culture is attacked! I wish all Mexican men, women, and children would return to Mexico where we can create a better life free of oppression!" The genie nods and *poof* the Mexican man disappears. The white hillbilly looks around and asks the genie "So all blacks and Mexicans have left the country?" The genie nods. "I wish for a diet coke."

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What is the longest word in the English language?

SMILES because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

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Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do

Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I was walking today when i saw a man writing something on top of a lamp post

So i asked: "what are ye writing, mate?" "Climb up here and read" - he answered So i climbed up, read it and really shocked. It really said "climb up here and read"

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What goes in God's Toilet?

Holy crap.

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Two turbaned Punjabies Kuldip and Jagdip went to Paris and made friends with a young Frenchman named Jean Paul.

For several weeks these two stooges went everywhere Jean Paul went. One day Jean Paul went missing. These two looked everywhere for days but could not find Jean Paul. So they went to the Police and reported that Jean Paul is missing. Policeman: Can you describe your friend Jean Paul? Kuldip: He is fair, tall and handsome. Policeman: All Frenchmen are fair, tall and handsome. Jagdip: He has blue eyes. Policeman: All Frenchmen have blue eyes. Is there something specific in Jean Paul?. Kuldip: Ah we remember now. He has two assholes. Policeman: That's a good clue. How do you know that he has two assholes? Jagdip & Kuldip: Because whenever we go somewhere with Jean Paul, his friends say " Here comes Jean Paul with two assholes".

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How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?

I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.

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Birthdays are good for us...

Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

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Had a summer job helping to make art out of elephant dung.

It was pretty shit.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!"

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap' That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

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Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality

If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked

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What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?

Their owner.

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There was a loud hammering on the door of heaven.

St. Peter appeared and said, "I say, that's a tremendous racket. Who is making all the fuss?" The shabby man standing there said, "I'm Paddy McGinnis and I'm strong with the IRA these thirty years." St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, Mr. McGinnis, but we have no record of you. You can't come in." "And who is saying anything about coming in?" said Paddy. "I'm here a-tellin' you, you've got fifteen minutes to evacuate the place!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Angel

Lawrence: Mom do you know that our maid is an angel? Mom: Why do you think so? Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming "Oh my God I'm coming!!..if it wasn't for Dad that was holding her tight from behind, she would have gone to heaven..

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What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole???

A 30 foot cock that helps you reach out and touch someone!

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Don’t ask me about my pan pizza...

It’s personal.

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What were the old-time gangster's last words?

"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"

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If you have Bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty. Because beauty is in the eye of the Bee holder.

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Coffee.

Not my cup of tea.

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What do you call an anti-joke that makes it to the front page of r/jokes

Honestly, I have no idea. It's still an antijoke, but the subversion of expectation might lead some to call it a joke. It could be both, but that poses somewhat of an existential predicament for this sub. Courtesy of u/FiveBirds

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An old man is in his Volvo driving home from work...

... when his wife rings him on his cellphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now; some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

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My doctor sang this to me at my birthday

"Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"

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What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

See ya next month.

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What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

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What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A lickalottapus.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Poem

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Stop memes about Harambe -Cincinnati Zoo

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Did you hear about the drunken idiot who flew into a black hole?

I don't think he understood the gravity of his situation.

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The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by...

...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.

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The female stink badger has 12 potent smelling nipples..

dozen tit make scents

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A redhead tells her blonde step-sister that she slept with a Brazilian...

...and she replies with "Omg! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

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Does a Priest have a wife?

He has nun.

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How do you make a baker cry?

Kill his family

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What is Michael Bay's favorite phone?

Note 7

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"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

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The wife came home with four cases of beer,

*The wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, a litre of vodka, two litres of gin, two bottles of whisky and two loaves of bread* *"Are we expecting guests?" He asked.* *"No," she replied.* *"Then why did you buy so much bread..!!

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Never heard this joke before...

neither will you

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I heard the new iPhone is selling well.

In fact, it's a real 6s.

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My friend's a pyromaniac...

I guess you could say he has a "burning desire".

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Why is 77 better then 69?

Because you get eight more!

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BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed. The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

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What's E.T. short for?

He's just got little legs.

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What's the difference between a Walnut and a Chickpea?

I've never had a Walnut on my chest..

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"Son, I've found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, Grandpa!" "Why are you calling me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

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Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council...

"Why was six afraid of seven?" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: "Because nine seven eight!"

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How is God just like every other man?

If you’re not on your knees, he’s not interested.

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I can prove that primates don't exist...

Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.

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Why are Americans so good at shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

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I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'

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People are forgetting that illegals are "stealing" jobs that no one else wants

like the job of being Donald Trump's wife

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What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

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What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it

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A Teacher asked for the chemical formula for water

Teacher: Alright so what is the chemical formula for water? Me: HIJKLMNO Teacher: What are you even saying?! Me: You told us it was H to O!

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What do you get when you put a number 1 and a number 2 on your calculator?

A huge mess.

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What did the animal control officer ask the Hawaiian dancer?

Hula the dogs out?

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What does a guy with a big dick have for breakfast?

I figured you wouldn't know

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The toilet bowl was stolen from the local police precinct last night.

The cops have nothing to go on.

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How do you piss of female archaeologists?

Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it's from.

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A guy goes to the hospital with an infection in his leg

It has gotten so bad that they decide the only course of action is to amputate the leg. So they put the guy under and perform the surgery. When he wakes up, he immediately realizes that they had amputated the wrong leg. He is furious, but they obviously still have to amputate the infected leg. So they put him under and amputate his other leg. When he wakes up, he immediately calls his lawyer to discuss the blatant malpractice. However, he was shocked when he found out he couldn't even sue the hospital. He didn't have a leg to stand on.

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Samsung have done well with the Galaxy Note 7

Sales are blowing up!

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I thought we had the right to bear arms

but when I got them I was arrested for animal abuse

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A man ordered for a voice automated robot car ...

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes. One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired. The man agreed and said to the Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong. Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children. The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their maid's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbors two sons. The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children?!! The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?

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I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in.

I was working as a teller at a bank when a Japanese woman walked in. She comes to the counter with a small stack of ten-thousand yen notes. "Hi, can I help you?" I said. "Yeah, How much American dorrah I can get for hundred thousand Japanese yen?" she asks. Looking up the information on the ever-changing database of currency valuations, I tell her, "By today's numbers, you can get eight hundred and fifty dollars for one hundred thousand yen." Bewildered, she asks, "What? I come here six month ago and you give me one thousand dorrah for hundred thousand yen. What big deal?" Not wanting to explain to her the complexities of the global currency market, I simply shrug and say "Fluctuations." Clearly taken aback, the woman picks up her money, looks at me, and says, "Yeah, well FRUCK YOU white people too!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Today I found my first grey pubic hair.

I got really excited, but not as much as the other people in the lift.