Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If you get cold just stand in a corner for a while.	They are about 90 degrees.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	We find Jesus...	We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing. Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole. Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reveal his golf ball and few flapping fish (don't worry, they will be fine, its heaven). Moses then hits the ball onto the green, walks over and taps it into the hole. Jesus goes next, He swings with such grace and precision, sending the ball hurtling towards the green, then behold, as it lands on the very edge of the green, on the very point where it meets the water. Jesus casually walks over, takes position impossible for a mortal man by standing on the water itself to hit the ball straight into the hole, one less hit than Moses. The old man goes last, his old bones slightly creaking as he hits the ball rather clumsily, with the ball wobbling erratically yet straight towards the deepest part of the lake. As its about to hit the surface, a fish jumps out! It swallows the ball, but just before its back safely underwater an eagle comes swooping down and clutching the fish with its talons; He soars upwards towards the skies, suddenly a thunder-strike hits the Eagle, it drops the fish, fish lands on the green, ball rolls out of its mouth and straight into the hole. Jesus turns around and says: "Father, if thou art gonna cheat , we are not going to play anymore."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	what do my ex and my toilet have in common?	They both keep bringing up old shit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Mexican, a Texan and an Ukrainian sitting in a bar...	Suddenly the Mexican gets up, pulls his guns, throws two coins in the air and shoots two holes in them. He says with a broad chest: "I am Mexico Bill!". After this, the Texan gets up, pulls his guns, throws four coins in the air and shoots four holes in them. He says with an even wider chest: "I am Texas Bill!". Now the Ukrainian gets up, pulls out two cocks and says: "I am Cherno-Bill".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I may have to divorce my wife...	My son broke both his arms today.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A little boy goes to his dad and asks:	'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?	You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	never heard this before	Knock knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who ? DISH IS SEAN CONNERY
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?	One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Drinking problem	A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink." /edit Removed word too many
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky	Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'. 'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two best friends apart	This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch. While working overseas Tom gets a letter: "Dear Tom, your cat is dead. Jim" Tom is bewildered with grief and writes back to Jim: "Dear Jim, is there really no way you could have been a bit more gentle with such news, it came as such shock. You could have written me a few letters, something like: Your cat is suddenly often walking on the roofs, and I am worried that he will fall off. Then in next letter you tell me that the cat has fallen off the roof, and that the Veterinarians are doing everything they can. And THEN you conclude in a third letter that the cat has passed away, that way I am prepared for such shock. Thanks Tom" Few weeks later Tom receives a new letter: "Dear Tom, Sorry I was so insensitive. By the way, Your mum is suddenly often walking high up on the roofs, and I am worried that she will fall off.''
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I don't trust atoms...	I heard they make up everything
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach	A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about God’s offer for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy." God thought for a moment, then replied: "Dp you want two lanes or four?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink...	He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar. "Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that." The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly" The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says. "A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about." Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!" His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A very curious kid	Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?” Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?” Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I thought I might try my hand at telling a German sausage joke	I mean, what's the wurst that could happen?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...	I'm not really a mourning person.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Exactly !	90 year man: My 30 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor? Dr: Let me tell you a story.. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of gun.He moves in to the jungle,sees a lion,lifts the umbrella,pulls the handle &BANG.. the lion drops dead.! Old man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot the lion. Dr: EXACTLY ..!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What kind of smartphone would Harambe have?	The brand doesn't matter as long as it has gorilla glass.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	It's funny how we all sleep differently.	I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... that sorta thing.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Another one from my college professor...	In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues: "For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes." The statues hear this and spring to life The man and woman gaze at each other for a moment, and then dart towards a nearby shrubbery There is a lot thrashing and laughing 15 minutes later they come out of the shubbery, tickled pink, satisfied, and giggling "You have another 15 minutes. If you wish to do it again, you may do so." says the angel The man looks at the woman and asks: "Again?" "Oh *heck yeah*" exclaims the woman "This time let's change positions. I'll hold it down while you shit on the pigeon."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When my wife starts to sing..........	When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck	He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse." "Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over a month. My wife is the most faithful and beautiful person I've ever known. I don't think I can keep this marriage together though." The bartender looks at the man with a strange sense of care and asks "What seems to be the marital issues? Are you cheating on her?" "No! I never would." "Are you spending money you shouldn't be?" "Lord no! She's the breadwinner." The bartender looks perplexed. He asks "I thought you are a salesman, what's wrong?" The salesman tells him "I've been trying this for months and haven't landed one sale, I've gone to every dentist in the state and I can't get one to endorse my toothbrush and if I can't make any sales, my life, my world, she's going to leave me!" As the salesman breaks down into tears the bartender tells him "Why don't you use your pitch on me! I used to be in sales I'd be more than happy to help you." The salesman, more than elated, runs out to his car and brings in a box. He proceeds to open it and it contains chips, salsa, and a toothbrush. "Here sir, try these chips and salsa." The bartender takes a chip and a huge chunk of salsa immediately spitting it out and yelling "This tastes like shit!!" "It is, would you like a toothbrush?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does a train eat?	It goes chew chew!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What kind of bagel can fly?	A plain bagel!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just bought a bottle of Drano...	Well that was $4 down the drain.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call it when an escort farts?	A prosti-toot
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When you've got a bladder infection...	Urine trouble.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are there so many women archeologists?	Because they love digging up the past.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So... There was a kidnapping at my school...	But don't worry-- he woke up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Man Walks Into A Doctor's Office	A man walks into a doctor's office. He says "Doctor, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth!" The doctor looks confused and says "Well, why the hell did you come in here? I'm a cardiologist, not a psychologist." The man says "I know! The light was on..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Henry VIII like his coffee?	Decap.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Airline Prices	Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A boy comes home from school	His mom asks, "How was your day?" The son replies, "Good, I fucked my teacher." His mother is appalled and sends him to his room. "Wait until your father gets home!". The father gets home and asks his son how his day was. When he hears that he fucked his teacher, the father says, "That's my boy! Let's go to the store and I'll buy you that new bike you wanted!" The father and son get to the store and buy the bike and the father asks the son if he wants to ride the bike home. "I'll pass Dad," says the son. "My ass still hurts from earlier."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Imagine a masonry wall...	Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.	Conspiracy to commit murder.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is a pirates nightmare date?	A girl with a sunken chest and no booty
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?	A key.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	They say jokes lessen tragedy	Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors	So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least. I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I would say go with the bigger penis	But I really want Trump to win
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a snake that works in the government?	A civil serpent
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Woman Goes to a Playground...	A woman goes to a playground with her young son. After a while, she notices a man playing with several children nearby. Not seeing anybody else in the area, she approaches him and asks "Where's your wife?" The man looks up at her and replies "I don't have a wife" and goes back to playing with the children. After an hour passes, the woman starts to get bored and decides to approach the man a second time. She walks up to him and asks "Which one is yours? The man looks carefully at each child for a minute before turning back to her and saying "I haven't decided yet."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Roman mythology in 3 words	The fuck's plagiarism?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	But what is Vsauce?	You are in a room with Michael. Michael is staring into your eyes. His lips part. He speaks the sweet, golden words. "But... what are, eyes?" His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left. His eyebrow raises slightly. He gestures with his hands. He goes on a tangent about eyeballs... ...and mentions how they contain vitreous humour He stares into your eyes. "But... what is vitreous humour?" His eyebrow raises further. The skin begins to split. His smile widens. He gestures wider. He goes on a tangent about bodily fluids. Including spit. He stares into your eyes. "But... what is, spit?" His eyebrow raises further. The skin snaps grotesquely. His smile widens ever further. It reaches his ears now. His bald head glistens softly in the light. His gestures reach the walls now. You ask him if he feels pain. His smile widens. It reaches his scalp now. "But... what is pain?" His eyebrow is no longer connected to his face. It has ascended. Both literally and metaphorically. His smile is no longer a smile. It is a gash in his face. The bone is exposed. He stares into your soul. His jawbone shifts uneasily. "But what is bone?" he asks. You weep softly. His gestures puncture the wall now. You ask, again, if he feels pain. He goes on a tangent about how pain is related to nerves. You feel it. Deep within you. "But... what are, nerves?" He is a skull now. You are no longer within a room. You are in a void. There is only you. A skull. And an eyebrow. Floating softly above. He grins. "But what is... void?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Being an ugly woman is like being a man...	You're going to have to work. -Daniel Tosh
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do people love working at yogurt factories?	Because of the culture!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I said to my wife Barb,	‘You make an excellent point.’
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A young couple took there 9 year old son to the doctor.	With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small dick... After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.	The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had. So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?" "No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!	"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!" Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.	Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once. "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together." A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me." Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?" "No--this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. I quit drinkin'."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Eskimo's and Ziploc bags have in common?	They both like a tight seal.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it?	Forget-me-knots!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.	George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his military advisor entered. "Sir we've received reports that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. You should probably prepare a statement, the media will be here shortly." Bush was visibly taken aback. "This... this can't be" He said as he started to tremble. "Uhh, yes sir, I'm sorry to inform you." Replied the advisor, slightly puzzled. "What does this mean for the war effort?" Bush responded, choking back tears. "Well sir, loss of life is always tragic but the war effort should remain relatively uninterrupted." With this Bush slammed his fist down on the table "How! How can you say that! I appointed you to advise me, not feed me lies!" At this Bush buried his head into his trembling hands. "Sir.... you really should compose yourself. The news trucks will get here any minute." Bush took a deep breath, despair etched into his face. "Okay," he said trying to hold himself together. "But before I go out there and speak I have to know... How many millions are in a Brazilian"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dates are cool when I tell them I worked in a prison for twenty five years.	But man, if I forget that ‘a’...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the most important part about making a Pokemon joke?	The Exeggution!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist	Secondhand
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I always used to think ‘my parents are like siblings’	sounds so much better than, ‘my parents are, like, siblings.’
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A trucker is driving down the road one lonely night..	when he comes upon a brothel so he pulls over. He goes inside and there is an older woman with a glass eye sitting at the front desk. Man: "Yes how much is a night with your most beautiful girl?" Old Woman: "If all the way it is around 500" Man: "That is steep, what about just a blowjob?" Old Woman: " With our most popular girl it will be 200, but if you want to be freaky Ill give you one for 50 bucks, guaranteed best youve ever had" The man is intrigued by the offer and debates in his head until finally he agrees. She takes him into the back room and says take off your pants. With his dick out ready to go, the older woman pops her glass eye out and starts to put his dick in her eye. He freaks out. Man:"What are you doing!??" Older Woman"Just trust me you're gonna love this" Even though hes weirded out he lets her do it and goddamn it is the best shit hes ever felt in his life. After finishing up the older woman walks the man back out to his truck.. Man:"That was the weirdest shit Ive ever done but it felt amazing. The next time I roll through here Im coming here and seeing you again. and the older woman says "Sounds good Ill keep an eye out for you."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball...	Gagged.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?	Want to buy a piece of candy.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A cop came to my house and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes	that's ridiculous I said, my dogs don't ride bikes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...	Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like. Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots on each corner on his head licking an ice cream. He turns to the other astronaut and says "Who the hell is that!". So they go over and one of the astronauts asks "Who are you!?" to which the man replied "Can't you see? I'm God!". "Well God, what are you doing here in such a desolate place like the moon?" said one of the astronauts. "I'm on holiday! Can't you tell?" replies God. "Well why the moon?" said the astronaut. "Well it's like this, last year I went to Mars: All these funny little green men running about all over the place, I didn't like it. The year before that I went Venus: Far too hot." Says god. Now this astronaut had an idea, he thought " If I can get him to come back to Earth with us I might be able make some money out of this, play it of as the second coming off Jesus!" So the astronaut asks God "Why don't you come to Earth, it's much nicer down here there's warm blue sea's and blue skies and long golden beaches - a beautiful planet! I can give you a lift!" To this god tells them "Earth! Don't talk to me about that place! I went there over 2000 years ago, got some woman in the pudding club and they're STILL talking about it now!" I've more or less transcribed this for you word for word but my dad's British and didn't say 'got her pregnant' instead he said 'got her in the pudding club' which I have no idea if people outside the UK will know what that means but he was adamant that it stayed in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes	After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]	I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why can't Hellen Keller drive?	Because she is a woman
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A barber starts a conversation with a new customer	* Barber: Where have you been getting your hair cut before coming here? * Customer: Actually my dad's been doing it for a while now. * Barber: Is he Jewish or Italian? * Customer: He's Italian, why do you ask? * Barber: Well either he's cheap or he knows what he's doing.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Dear Husband, lets fuck on the floor"	"Why?" "I wanna feel something hard"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Washington Redskins Name Change	The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name. ...from now on they will simply be known as the Redskins.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Einstein made a theory about space	...And it was about time too.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore?	Semi-retired.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Doctor talking to a woman	Doctor says: It looks like you're pregnant. Woman says: I'm pregnant? Doctor says: No, it just looks like you're pregnant.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you piss off a Hun?	You can't; they're nomads.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are volcanoes mischievous?	Because they erupt to no good.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Is the ocean salty because...	the land doesn't wave back?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My favorite joke	Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day. Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on. Man 2: Bull. Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let me show you. The two men drunkily sneak outside and stand on the edge. When another gust comes, the first man leaps off the edge. He floats in the wind for a moment, and sure enough, the wind whips him back onto the ledge. Man 2: I gotta try this! He takes a running leap from the edge and plummets straight to his death. Afterwards, the police are investigating the scene and the Chief of Police goes up to the first man. Chief: You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a dwarf that was on fire?	A lil smokey
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state?	It was rated out of five.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A non-smoker says to a smoker "Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?"	The smoker replied, "Hypothetically, yes."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three men are walking along the beach...	Three men are walking along the beach of a tropical island when they encounter a lone mermaid. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her. Eventually, the first man asks "Have you ever been kissed before?" "No," responds the mermaid. So the first man kisses her, and she enjoys it. The second man then asks "Have you ever had your breasts fondled before?" "Oh, my, no!" says the mermaid, clearly embarrassed. The second man then convinces her to allow him to fondle her breasts, and she enjoys it also. Finally, the third man says to the mermaid "have you ever been fucked before?" "Oh, goodness, no!", the mermaid says, her face bright red from embarrassment. The third man responds, "Well, you are now, the tide's out."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom...	...made it impossible to shit post.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Little Guido comes home from school crying	Mom: why are you crying Guido: at school they are calling me mafioso Mom: don't worry. I'll go to the school and take care of it. Guido: ok just make sure it looks like an accident
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a cow that just gave birth?	Decalfinated.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Dothraki mathematician	Khal culator
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is that?	An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school.	It's called Crossfit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	At the doctor's...	- Sir, you need to stop masturbating. - Why, doc? - So I can start examining you!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog	It was a shitzu
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the gay necropheliac stop by the morgue on his way home?	He wanted to suck down a few cold ones after work.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What kind of Bagel flies?	a plain bagel
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I love the way the Earth rotates...	It really makes my day
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Tithe Joke	Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances. The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the air, and what lands on the left is for God and the church, and what lands on the right is for me." The rabbi says, "I do something similar. At the end of the week, I draw a big circle on the floor. I throw the donation money into the air, and whatever lands in the circle is for God and the temple and whatever lands outside the circle is for me" The evangelical preacher perks up with his thick southern drawl, "I do something similar too. At the end of the week, I throw all of the donation money into the air." With a smile: "Whatever God catches, he keeps".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	what type of music does a balloon hate?	Pop music
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave.	There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. Poof he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. Poof he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A: I have the perfect son. B: Does ...	A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?	A family reunion.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My boss phoned me.	"You're late." I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk." "Where are you?" "I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do people never eat clocks?....	Why do people never eat clocks? Because it’s really time consuming.

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If you get cold just stand in a corner for a while.

They are about 90 degrees.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

We find Jesus...

We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing. Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole. Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reveal his golf ball and few flapping fish (don't worry, they will be fine, its heaven). Moses then hits the ball onto the green, walks over and taps it into the hole. Jesus goes next, He swings with such grace and precision, sending the ball hurtling towards the green, then behold, as it lands on the very edge of the green, on the very point where it meets the water. Jesus casually walks over, takes position impossible for a mortal man by standing on the water itself to hit the ball straight into the hole, one less hit than Moses. The old man goes last, his old bones slightly creaking as he hits the ball rather clumsily, with the ball wobbling erratically yet straight towards the deepest part of the lake. As its about to hit the surface, a fish jumps out! It swallows the ball, but just before its back safely underwater an eagle comes swooping down and clutching the fish with its talons; He soars upwards towards the skies, suddenly a thunder-strike hits the Eagle, it drops the fish, fish lands on the green, ball rolls out of its mouth and straight into the hole. Jesus turns around and says: "Father, if thou art gonna cheat , we are not going to play anymore."

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what do my ex and my toilet have in common?

They both keep bringing up old shit

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A Mexican, a Texan and an Ukrainian sitting in a bar...

Suddenly the Mexican gets up, pulls his guns, throws two coins in the air and shoots two holes in them. He says with a broad chest: "I am Mexico Bill!". After this, the Texan gets up, pulls his guns, throws four coins in the air and shoots four holes in them. He says with an even wider chest: "I am Texas Bill!". Now the Ukrainian gets up, pulls out two cocks and says: "I am Cherno-Bill".

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I may have to divorce my wife...

My son broke both his arms today.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

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What's the difference between a truck full of marbles and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of marbles with a pitchfork.

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never heard this before

Knock knock Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who ? DISH IS SEAN CONNERY

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What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?

One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatally different

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Drinking problem

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches. Bartender pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me tonight, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the living daylights out of the man and throws him out. Next night, bartender is again behind his bar when the same well dressed but intoxicated man stumbles in. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man happily announces as he approaches. Bartender thinks: "This guy cant be that stupid, he probably came to pay. Now I feel bad for beating him so hard previous night." He pours all the drinks, the the whole bar cheers, they all drink. Bartender hands the bill to the man, and he again shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me again, sorry." The bartender proceeds to beat the man even harder and kicks him out. Third night in the row, bartender just cant believe his eyes when he sees the man return. "Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!" The man calls out as he approaches. Bartender is fuming and grins sardonically: "What, no drink for ME tonight?" The drunk looks at him and says: "Nah man, you get way too violent when you drink." /edit Removed word too many

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Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a huge smile, pours another whisky, slides it over the bar and says 'this one's on me son'. 'Thanks, but if twelve won't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think thirteen will'

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Two best friends apart

This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch. While working overseas Tom gets a letter: "Dear Tom, your cat is dead. Jim" Tom is bewildered with grief and writes back to Jim: "Dear Jim, is there really no way you could have been a bit more gentle with such news, it came as such shock. You could have written me a few letters, something like: Your cat is suddenly often walking on the roofs, and I am worried that he will fall off. Then in next letter you tell me that the cat has fallen off the roof, and that the Veterinarians are doing everything they can. And THEN you conclude in a third letter that the cat has passed away, that way I am prepared for such shock. Thanks Tom" Few weeks later Tom receives a new letter: "Dear Tom, Sorry I was so insensitive. By the way, Your mum is suddenly often walking high up on the roofs, and I am worried that she will fall off.''

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I don't trust atoms...

I heard they make up everything

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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind." The biker thought about God’s offer for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says nothing's wrong; why she snaps and complains when I try to help; and how I can make a woman truly happy." God thought for a moment, then replied: "Dp you want two lanes or four?"

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink...

He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar. "Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that." The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly" The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says. "A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and with the nod of the genies head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about." Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!" His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"

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A very curious kid

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?” Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?” Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

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I thought I might try my hand at telling a German sausage joke

I mean, what's the wurst that could happen?

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I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

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Exactly !

90 year man: My 30 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor? Dr: Let me tell you a story.. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of gun.He moves in to the jungle,sees a lion,lifts the umbrella,pulls the handle &BANG.. the lion drops dead.! Old man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot the lion. Dr: EXACTLY ..!

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What kind of smartphone would Harambe have?

The brand doesn't matter as long as it has gorilla glass.

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It's funny how we all sleep differently.

I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... that sorta thing.

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Another one from my college professor...

In a small park, there is a fountain with two nude statues. A man and woman One day, an angel comes down and says to the statues: "For your many years of long-standing beauty and service to society, I will bring you to life for 30 minutes." The statues hear this and spring to life The man and woman gaze at each other for a moment, and then dart towards a nearby shrubbery There is a lot thrashing and laughing 15 minutes later they come out of the shubbery, tickled pink, satisfied, and giggling "You have another 15 minutes. If you wish to do it again, you may do so." says the angel The man looks at the woman and asks: "Again?" *"Oh* ***heck yeah***" exclaims the woman "This time let's change positions. I'll hold it down while you shit on the pigeon."

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When my wife starts to sing..........

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse." "Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over a month. My wife is the most faithful and beautiful person I've ever known. I don't think I can keep this marriage together though." The bartender looks at the man with a strange sense of care and asks "What seems to be the marital issues? Are you cheating on her?" "No! I never would." "Are you spending money you shouldn't be?" "Lord no! She's the breadwinner." The bartender looks perplexed. He asks "I thought you are a salesman, what's wrong?" The salesman tells him "I've been trying this for months and haven't landed one sale, I've gone to every dentist in the state and I can't get one to endorse my toothbrush and if I can't make any sales, my life, my world, she's going to leave me!" As the salesman breaks down into tears the bartender tells him "Why don't you use your pitch on me! I used to be in sales I'd be more than happy to help you." The salesman, more than elated, runs out to his car and brings in a box. He proceeds to open it and it contains chips, salsa, and a toothbrush. "Here sir, try these chips and salsa." The bartender takes a chip and a huge chunk of salsa immediately spitting it out and yelling "This tastes like shit!!" "It is, would you like a toothbrush?"

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How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew!

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What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel!

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I just bought a bottle of Drano...

Well that was $4 down the drain.

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What do you call it when an escort farts?

A prosti-toot

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When you've got a bladder infection...

Urine trouble.

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Why are there so many women archeologists?

Because they love digging up the past.

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So... There was a kidnapping at my school...

But don't worry-- he woke up.

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A Man Walks Into A Doctor's Office

A man walks into a doctor's office. He says "Doctor, you gotta help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth!" The doctor looks confused and says "Well, why the hell did you come in here? I'm a cardiologist, not a psychologist." The man says "I know! The light was on..."

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How does Henry VIII like his coffee?

Decap.

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Airline Prices

Airline prices are getting out of control, soon they will start charging for emotional baggage. "Where did he touch you as a kid? that will be an extra $50."

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A boy comes home from school

His mom asks, "How was your day?" The son replies, "Good, I fucked my teacher." His mother is appalled and sends him to his room. "Wait until your father gets home!". The father gets home and asks his son how his day was. When he hears that he fucked his teacher, the father says, "That's my boy! Let's go to the store and I'll buy you that new bike you wanted!" The father and son get to the store and buy the bike and the father asks the son if he wants to ride the bike home. "I'll pass Dad," says the son. "My ass still hurts from earlier."

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Imagine a masonry wall...

Now, picture just one piece of it... This, my friends, is a mental block.

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What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.

Conspiracy to commit murder.

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What is a pirates nightmare date?

A girl with a sunken chest and no booty

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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?

A key.

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They say jokes lessen tragedy

Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?

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My birthday present from my friendly Lesbian neighbors

So it was my birthday and I'm really good friends with the lesbian couple next door. I told them what I was wanting this year and they ended up giving me a brand new gold Rolex. I was disappointed to say the least. I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

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I would say go with the bigger penis

But I really want Trump to win

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What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

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A Woman Goes to a Playground...

A woman goes to a playground with her young son. After a while, she notices a man playing with several children nearby. Not seeing anybody else in the area, she approaches him and asks "Where's your wife?" The man looks up at her and replies "I don't have a wife" and goes back to playing with the children. After an hour passes, the woman starts to get bored and decides to approach the man a second time. She walks up to him and asks "Which one is yours? The man looks carefully at each child for a minute before turning back to her and saying "I haven't decided yet."

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Roman mythology in 3 words

The fuck's plagiarism?

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But what is Vsauce?

You are in a room with Michael. Michael is staring into your eyes. His lips part. He speaks the sweet, golden words. "But... what are, eyes?" His head tilts slightly downwards, and to the left. His eyebrow raises slightly. He gestures with his hands. He goes on a tangent about eyeballs... ...and mentions how they contain vitreous humour He stares into your eyes. "But... what *is* vitreous humour?" His eyebrow raises further. The skin begins to split. His smile widens. He gestures wider. He goes on a tangent about bodily fluids. Including spit. He stares into your eyes. "But... what is, spit?" His eyebrow raises further. The skin snaps grotesquely. His smile widens ever further. It reaches his ears now. His bald head glistens softly in the light. His gestures reach the walls now. You ask him if he feels pain. His smile widens. It reaches his scalp now. "But... what **is** pain?" His eyebrow is no longer connected to his face. It has ascended. Both literally and metaphorically. His smile is no longer a smile. It is a gash in his face. The bone is exposed. He stares into your soul. His jawbone shifts uneasily. "But what is bone?" he asks. You weep softly. His gestures puncture the wall now. You ask, again, if he feels pain. He goes on a tangent about how pain is related to nerves. You feel it. Deep within you. "But... what are, nerves?" He is a skull now. You are no longer within a room. You are in a void. There is only you. A skull. And an eyebrow. Floating softly above. He grins. "But what is... void?"

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Being an ugly woman is like being a man...

You're going to have to work. -Daniel Tosh

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Why do people love working at yogurt factories?

Because of the culture!

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I said to my wife Barb,

‘You make an excellent point.’

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A young couple took there 9 year old son to the doctor.

With some hesitations, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small dick... After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed. “For me?” “Just take two,” the mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”

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A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had. So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?" "No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

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Mommy! The boys at school pay me to climb trees!

"Honey, they only want you to do that so they can see your panties!" Yeah, I know, that's why I take them off.

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Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once. "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how we can't be in the same bar, we figure if all three of us do this once a month, well--it's almost like we're drinkin' together." A month goes by, and the guy comes back in, orders three shots, drinks all three. And again each month, for years. When asked to explain, he always says the same thing: "Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me." Until one month when the guy comes in and orders only two shots. Drinks them solemn as you please. The concerned bartender asks: "Excuse me, but--did something happen to one of your brothers?" "No--this one's for me brother in Dublin. And this one's for me brother in New York. I quit drinkin'."

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What do Eskimo's and Ziploc bags have in common?

They both like a tight seal.

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What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it?

Forget-me-knots!

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Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his military advisor entered. "Sir we've received reports that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. You should probably prepare a statement, the media will be here shortly." Bush was visibly taken aback. "This... this can't be" He said as he started to tremble. "Uhh, yes sir, I'm sorry to inform you." Replied the advisor, slightly puzzled. "What does this mean for the war effort?" Bush responded, choking back tears. "Well sir, loss of life is always tragic but the war effort should remain relatively uninterrupted." With this Bush slammed his fist down on the table "How! How can you say that! I appointed you to advise me, not feed me lies!" At this Bush buried his head into his trembling hands. "Sir.... you really should compose yourself. The news trucks will get here any minute." Bush took a deep breath, despair etched into his face. "Okay," he said trying to hold himself together. "But before I go out there and speak I have to know... How many millions are in a Brazilian"

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Dates are cool when I tell them I worked in a prison for twenty five years.

But man, if I forget that ‘a’...

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What's the most important part about making a Pokemon joke?

The Exeggution!

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I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist

Secondhand

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I always used to think ‘my parents are like siblings’

sounds so much better than, ‘my parents are, like, siblings.’

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A trucker is driving down the road one lonely night..

when he comes upon a brothel so he pulls over. He goes inside and there is an older woman with a glass eye sitting at the front desk. Man: "Yes how much is a night with your most beautiful girl?" Old Woman: "If all the way it is around 500" Man: "That is steep, what about just a blowjob?" Old Woman: " With our most popular girl it will be 200, but if you want to be freaky Ill give you one for 50 bucks, guaranteed best youve ever had" The man is intrigued by the offer and debates in his head until finally he agrees. She takes him into the back room and says take off your pants. With his dick out ready to go, the older woman pops her glass eye out and starts to put his dick in her eye. He freaks out. Man:"What are you doing!??" Older Woman"Just trust me you're gonna love this" Even though hes weirded out he lets her do it and goddamn it is the best shit hes ever felt in his life. After finishing up the older woman walks the man back out to his truck.. Man:"That was the weirdest shit Ive ever done but it felt amazing. The next time I roll through here Im coming here and seeing you again. and the older woman says "Sounds good Ill keep an eye out for you."

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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball...

Gagged.

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What did the Jewish pedophile say to the children?

Want to buy a piece of candy.

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A cop came to my house and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

that's ridiculous I said, my dogs don't ride bikes.

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Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like. Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots on each corner on his head licking an ice cream. He turns to the other astronaut and says "Who the hell is that!". So they go over and one of the astronauts asks "Who are you!?" to which the man replied "Can't you see? I'm God!". "Well God, what are you doing here in such a desolate place like the moon?" said one of the astronauts. "I'm on holiday! Can't you tell?" replies God. "Well why the moon?" said the astronaut. "Well it's like this, last year I went to Mars: All these funny little green men running about all over the place, I didn't like it. The year before that I went Venus: Far too hot." Says god. Now this astronaut had an idea, he thought " If I can get him to come back to Earth with us I might be able make some money out of this, play it of as the second coming off Jesus!" So the astronaut asks God "Why don't you come to Earth, it's much nicer down here there's warm blue sea's and blue skies and long golden beaches - a beautiful planet! I can give you a lift!" To this god tells them "Earth! Don't talk to me about that place! I went there over 2000 years ago, got some woman in the pudding club and they're STILL talking about it now!" *I've more or less transcribed this for you word for word but my dad's British and didn't say 'got her pregnant' instead he said 'got her in the pudding club' which I have no idea if people outside the UK will know what that means but he was adamant that it stayed in.*

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A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

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The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

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Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she is a woman

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A barber starts a conversation with a new customer

* Barber: Where have you been getting your hair cut before coming here? * Customer: Actually my dad's been doing it for a while now. * Barber: Is he Jewish or Italian? * Customer: He's Italian, why do you ask? * Barber: Well either he's cheap or he knows what he's doing.

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"Dear Husband, lets fuck on the floor"

"Why?" "I wanna feel something hard"

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Washington Redskins Name Change

The Washington Redskins are changing their team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name. ...from now on they will simply be known as the Redskins.

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Einstein made a theory about space

...And it was about time too.

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What do you call a trucker that doesn't drive anymore?

Semi-retired.

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Doctor talking to a woman

Doctor says: It looks like you're pregnant. Woman says: I'm pregnant? Doctor says: No, it just looks like you're pregnant.

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How do you piss off a Hun?

You can't; they're nomads.

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Why are volcanoes mischievous?

Because they erupt to no good.

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Is the ocean salty because...

the land doesn't wave back?

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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day. Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on. Man 2: Bull. Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let me show you. The two men drunkily sneak outside and stand on the edge. When another gust comes, the first man leaps off the edge. He floats in the wind for a moment, and sure enough, the wind whips him back onto the ledge. Man 2: I gotta try this! He takes a running leap from the edge and plummets straight to his death. Afterwards, the police are investigating the scene and the Chief of Police goes up to the first man. Chief: You know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk Superman.

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What do you call a dwarf that was on fire?

A lil smokey

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Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state?

It was rated out of five.

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A non-smoker says to a smoker "Excuse me, would you mind smoking somewhere else?"

The smoker replied, "Hypothetically, yes."

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Three men are walking along the beach...

Three men are walking along the beach of a tropical island when they encounter a lone mermaid. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her. Eventually, the first man asks "Have you ever been kissed before?" "No," responds the mermaid. So the first man kisses her, and she enjoys it. The second man then asks "Have you ever had your breasts fondled before?" "Oh, my, no!" says the mermaid, clearly embarrassed. The second man then convinces her to allow him to fondle her breasts, and she enjoys it also. Finally, the third man says to the mermaid "have you ever been fucked before?" "Oh, goodness, no!", the mermaid says, her face bright red from embarrassment. The third man responds, "Well, you are now, the tide's out."

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Forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom...

...made it impossible to shit post.

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Little Guido comes home from school crying

Mom: why are you crying Guido: at school they are calling me mafioso Mom: don't worry. I'll go to the school and take care of it. Guido: ok just make sure it looks like an accident

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What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decalfinated.

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What do you call a Dothraki mathematician

Khal culator

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What is that?

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

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I recently joined a support group for people who peaked in high school.

It's called Crossfit

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At the doctor's...

- Sir, you need to stop masturbating. - Why, doc? - So I can start examining you!

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I went to a zoo where the only animal they had was a dog

It was a shitzu

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Why did the gay necropheliac stop by the morgue on his way home?

He wanted to suck down a few cold ones after work.

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What kind of Bagel flies?

a plain bagel

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I love the way the Earth rotates...

It really makes my day

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Tithe Joke

Three religious leaders of the community, a priest, a rabbi, and an evangelical preacher are sitting around talking about how they run their finances. The priest says, "At the end of the week, I make a line on the floor. Then I take all of the money out of the donation box, throw it in the air, and what lands on the left is for God and the church, and what lands on the right is for me." The rabbi says, "I do something similar. At the end of the week, I draw a big circle on the floor. I throw the donation money into the air, and whatever lands in the circle is for God and the temple and whatever lands outside the circle is for me" The evangelical preacher perks up with his thick southern drawl, "I do something similar too. At the end of the week, I throw all of the donation money into the air." With a smile: "Whatever God catches, he keeps".

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what type of music does a balloon hate?

Pop music

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My Irish mom always told jokes about wee Paddy. This one was always my fave.

There was an Englishman, a Scot and wee Paddy from Ireland all stranded on an island. They found a genie lamp and they rubbed it and a genie appeared and said they had three wishes. They quickly decided they would each get one. The Englishman wished to be back home with his family. *Poof* he was gone. The Scot made the same wish. *Poof* he was gone. It was Paddy's turn and he thought long and hard about what to wish for. And then it came to him: "Ach, I'm awful lonely...I wish I had me friends back"...

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A: I have the perfect son. B: Does ...

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

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What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

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My boss phoned me.

"You're late." I said, "I'm driving right now. Can't talk." "Where are you?" "I'm at the go-kart centre." I replied.

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Why do people never eat clocks?....

Why do people never eat clocks? Because it’s really time consuming.