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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Blind date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize. The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. Joe decided Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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A good ole 90's joke.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the pearly gates he notices clocks with names hanging all over the place. The man asks god "What are all the clocks for?" God responded "Every time the clock makes a full rotation, someone on earth commits a sin." The man looked around at all the clocks and out of curiosity asked god "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" God just pointed up to the ceiling fan.
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If someone...
If someone is having second thoughts about booking a trip in native American territory, you could say they are having a reservation reservation reservation. ... Good thing self posts don't grant negative karma >.> EDIT: Quote from Brian Regan
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I bought some Bose stocks today.
It was a sound investment.
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An Irishman walks out of a bar...
The End.
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What's a New Zealander's favorite car?
The Kia Ora.
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Today's word is.....Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
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So a man who had been stranded on an island 7 years was finally rescued...
as the ship was pulling away from the island one of his rescuers was looking back at the island and noticed three huts on the beach. Curious, he asked the castaway what they were for. "Well" he replied "the first one there was my house and that one over there is my church" "and the other?" asked the sailor. "Oh that...thats the church I used to go to"
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Why doesn't Shirley Manson change her Facebook relationship status?
She's only happy when "It's Complicated."
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heard about the toilet that quit his job?
he was tired of dealing with that shit every day
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According to my wife's diary,
I have boundary issues.
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Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf...
Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing a friendly game of golf. First Moses goes. He licks his finger to check the wind. He does some simple trigonometry and then hits the golf ball. The golf ball lands in the middle of the lake. He grumbles and growls and sticks his club into the ground to part the seas. He walks into the middle of the now waterless lake and hits it onto the green. He sinks the ball with a birdie. Next goes Jesus. Jesus puts his hands in prayer and then sets up to hit the ball. He makes contact and hits it onto the green. He puts it in for an eagle. The old man grumbles and growls. He approaches the tee with his club in his off-hand. He takes a mighty swing and smacks the ball. The ball flies and lands on a lily-pad. It is then picked up by a frog. The frog in turn finds itself in the clutches of a falcon. The frog drops the ball and it bounces in for a hole-in-one. At this point Moses leans towards Jesus and whisper, "I really hate playing with your old man."
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What does a nosey pepper do?
Get's jalapeño business!
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My hamster died today
He fell asleep at the wheel
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A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves. This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied. The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
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Typical blonde
Death: It's your time. give me your hand Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die! Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five! Blonde: *high fives* Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...
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So I went to ask about some yoga classes in my neighbourhood as it's my first time. The instructor asked me if I was flexible...
... I said "I can't do Tuesdays."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.
He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had. "I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going to sell him because he's kinda special, but I'll sell him to you in you like?" The nomad was overjoyed, "Yes, please! What is so special about him?" "To make him walk you have to say 'go' and to make him gallop you have to say 'phew.' To make him stop simply say 'amen.' Have you got that?" "I think so, yeah!" Replied the nomad. He paid his many, got on the camel and said "go!" and it began to walk. After awhile as he had gotten used to the camel, he decided to try to go a bit faster and so he said "phew" and it burst to life. It started hurtling through the desert, bounding over dunes and zooming past oasis's. Suddenly, the nomad saw that ahead there was a gapping gorge and the camel was charging straight for it. He began tugging on the reins of the camel, pleading for it to stop, but, it wouldn't and he had completely forgotten the word to make it do so! "Oh god help me!" cried the nomad. He began to pray, "God, please don't let me die on this camel, amen." And of course it came immediately to a dead stop right at the very edge of the deep gorge. "Phew" said the nomad.
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Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea?
Because all proper tea is theft.
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How do you tell if someone is jewish at a football game?
They leave after the coin toss
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Why was the broom late for work?
It over swept.
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Two guys are looking for an easy way to make some money.
After days of brain storming, the first guy says, "Why dont we rent a crane and charge people to bungee jump off of it?" "thats a great idea!" says the second. They decide to charge 10 dollars for one jump. Soon they are making more money than they can carry. But then some guys down the street decide to steal their idea, and rent a bigger crane, and charge only seven bucks. the first two guys are quickly run out of buisness. The first guy says, "we need to take our buisness somewere nobody has access to construction cranes, that way nobody can compete with us." So they move their crane deep into mexico. They begin setting up their equipment, and all the villagers come out of their houses, to see what is happening. The men realize that these people have never seen one of these cranes before, or even know what bungee jumping is. So the first guy tells his friend to demonstrate, so the villagers know what it is. So the guy jumps, and he bounces a couple times, and the first guy pulls him up. But the second guy is hurt. he is covered in bruises, cuts, welts, and is bleeding. the first guy in shock asks "did you hit the ground?" "no" "did the crane on your way up?" "no" "what happened?" The second guy replies, "What the fuck is a piñata?"
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Why wasn't Sean Connery standing?
He had to shit.
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Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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A mans wife isn't happy with her husbands performance in bed...
So she goes to the doctor and explains her troubles. The doctor gives her a bottle of pills and says to the wife "Slip your husband 1 pill to be good. Give him 2 pills to be great. Give him 3 pills to be amazing. and give him 4 pills if you want to go all out and have a sore vagina for a week" So the wife goes home and gives her husband 1 pill and goes back to the doctor the next day and says "he was a little better" That night she gives her husband 2 pills and goes back to the doctor the next days and tells the doctor "he was great!" Again she goes back and ups the dose for her husband to 3 pills and returns the next day to the doctor with a glow about her. "he was so amazing doctor, i can't believe it!" She decides that she is going to take the chance and be a little sore, so she gives her husband 4 pills that night. the next day she shows up to the doctor and tells him "i can not believe the animal it made him! it was the most bone chilling sex i have ever had in my life!!" the doctor replies "thats great. just take a few days off from the sex to let both of your bodies rest". the wife asks "what happens if i give him more than 4?" to which the doctor replies "whatever you do, don't give him more than 4!" the wife returns home and is up all night thinking about how amazing the sex was and the curiosity is killing her about what happens if she gives her husband more. she wakes up the next morning after a crazy sex dream and decides that she has to have more. so she puts the rest of the bottle in her husbands morning smoothie to find out how good it can get. the next day, her son shows up at the doctor and says "my mom's dead, my sister is in the hospital, my ass hurts, and my dad is walking around outside saying 'here kitty kitty kitty'"
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Life is like a Penis
It's simple, relaxed and hanging free most of the time. It's women who make it hard.
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Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)
Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the results of the experiment. Scientists walked away from the elephant and monkey pulled out the plug unleashing the shitwave. When flow stopped, a guy that happened to stand further than the others decided to help his friends. He found second scientist standing waist-deep in poop, dug him out, and they both went to find the third guy. Soon they found him - completely covered in shit, but laughing hysterically. "What the hell, man?" - they asked - "That's a catastrophe, it's not really funny" "Yeah, I know" - he replied - "But you should've seen monkey's face when it was trying to shove the plug back"
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Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering
The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name. “Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.” “I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier. Fed up with practice of companies gathering as much personal information as possible about their customers, I said, "Maxine Meriwether Pasquadibisceglie-Jones.” She looked at me in utter confusion. “Exucse me?” "Maxine Meriwether Pasquadibisceglie-Jones.” The cashier entered “Maxine M.” into the computer database. “What is your last name?” “Pasquadibisceglie-Jones'” I pulled out my cell phone and began reading emails. The cashier asked, “How do you spell that?” "With a hyphen," I said absently "Once more?" she asked. "Pasquadibisceglie-Jones " I said it slowly, enunciating every syllable. "Could you please spell that?" she asked, glancing at the half dozen people now waiting in line behind me. "Oh ... it’s just like it sounds." Putting down "Jones," she asked for my address. "14701 N.E. Wachatanoobee Parkway, Complex 3, Building O, Appt. 1382b, Washburn, Wisconsin." When the cashier was almost through entering this in the computer, I put away my phone and said, "Or did you mean my current address?" Stopping, her smile laced with irritation, she said, "Yes. I need your current address." "1372 Tinatonabee Avenue, Building 14C, Suite 2, Box 138201," I replied, “Diluthian Heights, Mississippi.” Waiting until she finished I said, "No, wait, it's NORTH Tinatonabee Avenue." Annoyed, she backed up and changed it. "I think," I interjected. She turned the monitor so that he could see it. "And is all this correct?" she asked in a standard manner. "Of course," I replied, and signed the credit card receipt with my real name, Tracy Lee. ***Modified from a joke originally found on GCFL.com
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A Rabbi's money maker.
A man asks a Rabbi if he gets paid for the circumcisions. The Rabbi says - No, I can't do that! I just Keep the tips!
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Need help: looking for parade jokes. (I know, right?)
I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny. The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away. Thanks
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The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...
It seems it's a sting operation
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What did one bag of shit say to the other bag of shit?
"Ugh, stop standing so colostomy."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A cute one I heard from a friend at work.
Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Sherlock and Watson go camping...
Sherlock and Watson go camping one night. They light the campfire, eat a meal, drink some champagne, and go to the tent to sleep. Later that night, Sherlock wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the sky." he says. "What do you see?" "I see lots and lots of stars" he replies. "And what does that tell you?" Sherlock asks. "Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe. Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Sherlock?" "No Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen the damn tent!"
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Polish Moose Hunt
Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Where was Timmy when the bomb fell?
Everywhere.
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So a man is gifted a horse which has terribly crossed eyes.
He decides to go to the vet to get it looked at. The vet takes one look at the horse and says, "We have a very special treatment for crossed eyes in horses. Stand back." He sedates the horse and takes out a tube that's about six feet long, then carefully inserts about three feet of it into the horse's anus. He then blows as hard as he can into the end of the tube; then he lifts the horse's eyelid and sees that its eyes are still crossed. He blows some more and checks again - still nothing. Eventually he's red in the face and the horse's eyes are still crossed. He offers the end of the tube to the horse's owner. "You want to give it a shot?" The owner nods, then carefully pulls the tube all the way out, flips it around, and inserts it back in the other way. The doctor is confused. "Why'd you do that?" The owner replies: "You think I'd put my mouth on that end after you?"
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3 men in heaven
Three men die and go to heaven. After a while there, they meet an angel. "There's a new policy!" he says. "Everyone gets a free vehicle! The type of vehicle depends on how good you were on Earth." So they go to God to get there vehicle. "Okay" God says, "John, how good were you?" "Well, I was always good to my wife, and I went to church often." he says. "That means you get Lamborghini!" God says, "Okay Bob, how good were you?" "Well, I was good to my wife most of the time, and I went to church every so often" he says. "That means you get an F-150!" God says, "Okay Jim, how good were you?" "Well, I cheated on my wife often, and I rarely went to church." he says. "That not even worthy of a vehicle!" God says, "Here, take this bicycle!" So later Jim is riding his bicycle around, and he sees John crying. "John, why are you crying?" he asks, "You got the Lambo!" He says, "Because I saw my wife ride by on roller skates!"
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Why isn't Edward leaving Russia?
...because he's snowed in.
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The aging head of a secluded Monastary decides he will take a walk into the nearby town for the first time in 30 years.
As he's walking down the street he passes a hooker on a corner who says "Hey twenty dollars for a quicky". Confused, he walks past another corner and another hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
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Double dose (Blonde joke)
So, a blonde woman is driving down the road, speeding, when a cop pulls her over. Hoping she can get out of a ticket, she waits until a blonde police officer shows up at her door. "Can I see your driver's license and registration?" the blonde policewoman asks. "Which one's the driver's license?" the blonde civilian asks. "It's a small rectangular thing with a photo of you on it..." the officer replies. The driver pulls out her pocket mirror and hands it over. "Oh, my mistake!" the officer said, looking at it. "If I knew you were a police officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
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So there I was hanging from the ledge...
When I thought "hold on a minute..."
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So I knew this lady, and even though she was a Prostitute.....
She had the Prettiest face I ever came across.
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Is it solipsistic in here...
Or is it just me?
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I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world
I told them to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.
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What do you call a Mexican Baptism?
Bean Dip.
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3 guys get separated from their tour group on a african safari NSFW
3 guys get separated from their tour group while on a African safari. They are wondering around the jungle when they are captured by a tribe. They are held captive in this hut for a couple of hours until being transported to the tribe's main congregation area where they do their festivities. The chief walks up to first guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" The man doesn't want to die so he decides Ooga Booga. The chief looks at the crowd and yells, "Ooga Booga!" The village goes crazy and the chief bends the guy over and bangs him in the ass. The chief then goes to the second guy and says, "Death or Ooga Booga?" Upon seeing this horrible sight he decides being raped is better than dying and says ooga booga. The crowd goes crazy, the chief bends him over, and has his way with him. The chief approaches the final guy and asks him the same question. He decides he'd rather die after seeing what happened to his friends. The chief looks at the tribe and yells, "DEATH!.....BY OOGA BOOGA!"
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A Frenchman has a wife and a lover
He loves his lover the most. An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most. A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
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Tom, John and Peter went for a long-awaited hike together.
After hours spent on hiking up the mountain, they finally reached the summit. Exhausted, they immediately collapsed on the ground, where Tom said,"I've got a surprise for you guys! He immediately took out the most delicious looking food that they ever saw. He then sat a picnic mat down. "This is to celebrate our accomplishment together!" Grinning, John took out from his backpack some grade A weed. "Something to make this outing a little more perfect for us!" Peter, then took out a champagne bottle from his bag. "The trip will be perfect now!" All of them let out a merry laugh and they sat their items down on the picnic mat when Peter exclaimed,"Fuck! I have forgotten to bring a bottle opener." "You're not going to ruin this perfect trip for us you asshole, go and get it." Tom said. "But it's a 5 hour hike! You guys are going to finish the food and the weed before I get back." "We promised we won't." "Pinky swear?" "Just go get it you fuck" Reluctantly, Peter went on his way. After a day, Peter was not back and the boys were getting hungry and bored. But a promise is a promise. Another day passed, the boys were so hungry. Tom was about to eat the food but John scolded him wanting to do so. A promise is a promise, he said. After another excruciating day, they decided they could not wait anymore, the hunger was unbearable. They immediately chomped down on the food. Just then, peter leapt out from behind a rock and screamed." HA! I KNEW IT!"
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Smith and Jones were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Smith," asked Jones, "are there any Jéws in China?" "I don't know," Smith replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Jones asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jéws ?" Waiter: "No Chinese Jéws, Sir." "Are you really sure?" Jones asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jéws ." The waiter replied exasperated, "We have Orange Jéws, Prune Jéws, Tomato Jéws and Grape Jéws but we have no Chinese Jéws."
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I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible"
..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
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3 blondes walk into a police station...
...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him." He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye." He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear." He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?" The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
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Stupidest country in the World
I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
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Back tattoos.
I posted this joke in r/funny but someone suggested that this was a more appropriate subreddit. Anyway, here's my joke: I was at the beach the other day and I saw a girl with a big iguana tattoo on her back, and I thought, "that's really sexy." Well, it's not so much that I find it attractive; it's just a good indication that she's prone to making poor decisions. EDIT: I made this up, by the way. So feel free to tell my why it sucks.
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Did you hear the energizer bunny was arrested?
He went to court and was charged with battery.
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Falling rock
Waay back in the day the Indians had a child named Falling Rock, lovely kid. As soon as the white man came to their land Falling Rock disappeared. They couldn't find him anywhere, still even to this day we have signs on the road that say "watch for falling rock"
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What does an 80-year old's vagina taste like?
Depends. EDIT: Nobody got this joke. It's not an anti-joke...[Depends](http://www.depend.com/) are like diapers for the elderly with urinary incontinence / IBS. Oh well.
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I'm going to start a band called Control Z
We will play our songs, but start over half way through it.
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There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.....
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So... They buried her.
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A guy enters a bar...
A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay". Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman. The third day - now the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles. "So, I guess there is no one left in your family who likes pussy..." - says the barman. "Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."
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Did you hear about the one about the heart and stomach?
Nevermind, it's an inside joke.
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I had a pun about insanity..
..but I lost it
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There are three types of people in this world
Those who can count And those who cannot count
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How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant?
She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but getting them in there is a bitch!
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A husband and wife are playing a round of golf..
On the 18th hole the husband slices his ball to the right and lands in front of a barn. The husband asks his wife to open up the barn door so he could hit it through the barn and onto the green. The husband then shanks his shot, which hits his wife in the head and immeidately kills her. 5 years later the man is approached by his buddies who want him to get back into golf. The man hesitantly agrees. They end up playing the same course as the incident and the man hits his drive to the same spot on the 18th hole. One of his buddies says "I can go up there and open up the barn door, so you can hit it through onto the green". The man slowly and emotionally replies "I can't, I just can't. Last time I tried to hit that shot..... I got a triple bogey"
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This came to me randomly today; not sure if old, or OC...
How does Hannibal Lecter like his eggs? Ovaries-y
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What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a pit bull?
The pit bull will eventually let go.
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What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with terrorists.
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What happened when Cinderella got to the ball?
She choked.
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I heard 2k14 is so real that when you give the ball to kobe,
the pass button stops working
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There are two types of people in this world.
And I hate them both.
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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife
... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic. one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?" Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"
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A plane from J.F.K. is coming in to land at a rural airport in Arkansas at midnight.
Mouthy pilot turns to his co-pilot, winks & says "watch this"...... "Pilot to control tower......hey there Hillbilly, guess who!!" Control tower switches off the airport lights..... "Control tower to pilot....... Hey there Yankee, guess *where!!*"
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A priest was going to meet a parishioner for lunch
As he was getting ready to leave, he noticed he had forgotten to put on his white priest's collar. He looked and looked, but alas, couldn't find one. He asked another priest, "Do you have a collar I can borrow? One of the parishioners asked me if I could meet up for lunch to discuss some problems." The other priest says, "Sure, no problem. Happens to everyone - a lay date and a collar short."
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I think I'm addicted to roofies...
I can't remember though
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I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day...
He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.
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What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle?
A poodle split in half.
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What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
Helefino.
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3 guys go to a cliff
Three guys go to a cliff to see the view. When they get there a wise old magician sitting there. He then says "since you are the first people that have found me in 20 years I will let you turn into something of your choice. But first you have to run and jump off the cliff. The first guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE AN EAGLE. He then flys away in his eagle body. The second guy goes and jumps off and shouts "I WANT TO BE A PARROT" he then flies away. Finally the last guy goes and right before he jumps he trips off the cliff. He then shouts "OH SHIT"
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A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend.....
"You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything. His friend replies, "That's great... Did you get a blow job?" "Oh, no... I never found her head."
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What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?
Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he hits puberty.
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How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?
I'm not sure yet.
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What is the poor part of Italy called?
The spaghetto
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[NSFW] 3 Ducks walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
When the 1st duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Tom." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Tom! How's your day been?" Tom replies "Man! I have had the best day ever... I have been in and out of puddles all day long. Couldn't ask for a better day!" The bartender congratulates Tom on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 2nd duck and hands him his beer. When the 2nd duck gets his beer he tells the bartender, "Thanks man, my name is Dick." The bartender says "Nice to meet you Dick! How's your day been?" Dick replies "Man! I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful day! I have been in and out of puddles all day long. I will remember this day forever!" The bartender congratulates Dick on having such a magnificent day and then turns to the 3rd duck and hands him his beer. The bartender says "Let me guess...your friend's names are Tom and Dick, so you must be Harry!" The 3rd duck glares at the bartender and says "No, you asshole. My name is Puddles and DON'T ask me how my fucking day has been!"
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They found Bruce Willis dead next to a bottle of Viagra...
...I guess he *Died Hard*
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A convict imprisoned for 1st degree murder escaped from prison.
On the run, he broke into a young couple's house and tied each of them up on opposite sides of the room. He went over to the wife and bent over beside her, appearing to be kissing her neck. He suddenly got up and left the room. Quickly, the husband rushed to his wife and whispered, "This guy probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and he probably wants to have sex with you. Just cooperate with him and pretend to enjoy it because our lives depend on it. Be strong and I love you." His wife whispers back, "You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...he was whispering in my ear. He thinks that you're really cute and asked if there was any lube in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too."
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How do you catch a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
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[Nsfw]What is in common between broccoli and anal?
Both feel bad as adult, if you're forced as a child
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Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough....
I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
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What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?
A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.
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What part of Canada do the Inuit control?
Nunavut.
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JonesTown Massacre
Do you know why you never hear any jokes about the JonesTown Massacre? .......The punchline is too long!
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One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
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Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied.
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Why'd the chicken cross the road?
To show a deer how it's done.
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I went to see a psychic last night...
I went to see a psychic last night. She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children." "But I already have 4 children!" I laughed. She said, "I know, leukaemia is a bastard."
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A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.
A young Swedish woman, **an** old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding **on** a train. The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard. The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek. The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him." The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him." The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me." The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."
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This joke is my uncle Pedro's 3rd favourite...
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the school formal. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. This also takes forever, but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and eventually gets one. Finally, it's the day of the school formal. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a wonderful time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.