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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar
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and doesn't.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I named my bathroom "the Jim"
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So I can tell my friends I go to the Jim everyday
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My sister says I don't understand irony...
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....which is funny because we were standing at a bus stop at the time.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Not sure the origin of this but I heard it recently
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So there's a black guy a Mexican guy and a bigot sitting on a park bench, the black guy finds a genie bottle, rubs it and genie comes out and says "thank you so much for freeing me! Ill give you each any wish you want!" The black guy says "I want me and my African brothers all to be in peace back in Africa." So he disappears and lives in peace in Africa. The Mexican says "I want all my fellow Mexicans to live in peace in Mexico" so he disappears. The bigot says "so the blacks are all in Africa and the Mexicans are all in Mexico right?" Genie says "yup" so the bigot says "ill have a diet Pepsi"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?
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The farmer shucks between fits!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
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Ruth-less.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
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I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why isn't there gambling in Africa?
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Too many cheetahs.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Went out with a bang...
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A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There once was a women who had a hundred children..
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There once was a woman who had a hundred children. She named each of them after numbers, in the order they were born. All of them died except for Ninety. Ninety went off to have some children of her own. Her kids were very kind, and one day they found an injured dog. They took the dog home but never told their mother, fearing she would kick the dog out. In fact, they never told anyone about the dog. To further keep the puppy secret from the world, they named the dog “This,” so that its name could be used in conversation without arousing suspicion. One day the dog ran away, and they never saw This again. But nobody else knew about This. Nobody knew that a dog named This had even existed. Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An awkward loner goes to a pub.
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An awkward loner, sick of being lonely, makes the effort to go to a pub. It's crowded and noisy but he decides to stay and have a counter lunch. Having made his choice from the menu over the bar, he pushes his way to counter and attracts the the attention of a rather attractive barmaid. "What can I get you?" she asks. "I'd like a quickie, thanks," he replies. She immediately flushes with and snarls, "Why don't you piss off?" Humiliated and blushing, the guy go back to his table. After a while, he bravely decides that there was a miscommunication and makes his way back to the counter. The barmaid glares at him but asks, "Waddaya want?" The awkward guy says, "I'd like a quickie." The barmaid slaps the poor guy's face so hard that it stops the noise in the pub momentarily, and all eyes are on him. Hurt and even more humiliated than before, he makes his way back to his table. After quite some time nursing his drink, he decides on one more try before he goes home. He pushes his way back to the counter, where the barmaid snarls, "WHAT-DO-YOU-WANT?" He says, just loud enough to hear, "I'd like a quickie." Quick as a flash, the barmaid punches him in the face. He drops to floor, holding his bloodied nose and lip, trying to hold back his tears. A man sitting on a bar chair right by the guy and having seen the whole thing, leans over and says, "Look mate, it's none of my business but I think it's pronounced 'keesh' (quiche)...."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man goes to see the urologist...
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And the Doctor says: "Sir, I must tell you that you have to stop masturbating." Shocked, the man asks for what reason. Doctor replies: "Because otherwise I can't examine you."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the hillbilly yeast?
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It was in bread.....
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon.
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Two Pakistani gentlemen boarded a shuttle out of London for Lisbon. One sat in the window seat the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Indian got on and took the aisle seat next to the Pakistanis. He kicked off his shoes wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said "I think I'll go up and get a Coke." (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants but you probably knew that.) "No problem," said the Indian. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone the Pakistani picked up the Indian's shoe and spat in it. The Indian brought back the coke when the other Pakistani said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too." Again the Indian obligingly goes to fetch it and while he is gone, the Pakistani picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Indian returns with the coke and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing, the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. How long must this go on? he asked. This enmity between our peoples ...this hatred...your spitting in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke? "
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman pregnant with triplets......
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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If Jesus is the Lamb of God?
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Does that mean mary had a little lamb?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Chinese guy goes to the eye doctor.
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After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The Chinese guy asks, "Why?" Doctor said, "You have a cataract." Chinese guy says, "No, I have a Rincoln Continental."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a Mexican woman with a large labia minora?
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Cunstwaylow
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
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About half-way. Wokka wokka!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A regular customer at a bar sits down for a drink...
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... and notices the bar has come under new management. The bartender tells him that if he can complete three challenges, he will win as many drinks as he wants on the house for a year. First, the customer must chug a gallon of tequila in under five minutes without making a face. Then, he must pull out a live alligator's rotting tooth with his bare hands. If he survives that, there is a woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm, and he must make things right for her. At first, the customer declines, but after a few rounds of liquid courage, he changes his mind. He grabs the tequila and pounds it in 30 seconds like a champ. Manly tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he does not make a face. Then, he stumbles into the room with the alligator and closes the door behind him. The other people in the bar are gathered around, listening. There seems to be a big struggle going on inside, but the customer manages to walk out bloody and bruised. The people applaud him, and he seems to be extremely intoxicated now. He blurts out in slurred speech, "A'ight. Now *hic*, wherzat chick who needed 'er teeth pulled?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Say what you will about Carlos Mencia, he sure knows how to take a joke
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And present it as if he wrote it
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a drunk dinosaur?
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Stagger-saurus.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A frog walks into a bank...
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to get a loan. He waits in line and when the teller calls him he walks up to do his thing. "Hi, I'm Patty Black, what can I do for you today?" she asks. He replies, "I'm here to get a loan." "Well what do you have for collateral?" "All I have is this antique bronze statuette that I keep on my mantel," he tells her. She is unsure about what she can do since it seems like a pretty worthless trinket. "Let me bring that statuette to my manager and see if we can't get you your loan Mr. Frog" So Patty takes the bronze statuette to her bank manager and tells him the story. There's a frog trying to get a loan and all he has is a seemingly worthless statue. After hearing her explain the situation the bank manager says without hesitation, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Ey gurl, are you a TSA agent?
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Because I've got an unattended package I think you should investigate.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The fishing trip
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So four high school friends have gone fishing together every year for the last two decades. That was until this year, when Jim had to inform the group he couldn't make it. "Look, it's the wife. She's been saying I haven't been spending enough time with her." Of course, the others were upset but told him they couldn't rearrange all the schedules to make it work out this year, so they stuck to the date. The morning of trip, the guys are unloading on the dock when Jim comes running up with his stuff. "What's the deal, Jim?" asked one of the fishermen. "So I came home from work last night and I found my wife in the bedroom. She was laying down with a spool of rope, some duct tape and a ball-gag, and told me how she's been reading *50 Shades of Grey*. She told me to tie her up and do anything I want. So, uhh, here I am!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Snowman walks into a bar...
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...The Batender gets angry and yells "WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING WEIRD END UP IN MY BAR?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What happens when you take acid with a birth control pill?
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A trip without the kids
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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While we're on nun jokes: one night, two leprechauns knocked at the door of the convent.
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The Mother Superior answered and was taken quite by surprise at the sight. One leprechaun was sullen and silent, while the other seemed quite friendly. This latter asked, "please pardon our intrusion, Mother Superior, but I wish to ask you, is there a nun at your convent who is about two and a half foot tall?" The Mother Superior recovered from her surprise to answer that no, there wasn't. "In any of the other convents of the city, Mother Superior," the friendly leprechaun asked, "is there a nun who stands about two and a half foot tall?" Again, she answered no. "In all of our nation, Mother Superior," the leprechaun continued, "in all of the convents of all the world, do you suppose there is a nun who is about two and a half foot tall?" Mother Superior said that no, it would be impossible. Having gotten this last answer, the friendly leprechaun bowed graciously and thanked the helpful Mother Superior. He took his sullen companion by the arm and led him away. As the two walked off, Mother Superior heard the talkative one say, "I tell you, Mikey, you've been fucking a penguin."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man is driving his new mustang
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home from work one day. He spots an incredibly obese man sitting on the curb next to a bicycle, breathing heavily. He stops and asks the man what's wrong. The man said that his doctor told him he needed to excersise and lose some weight. As he could barely run he decided to ride his bike. However, on his first day out he had ridden to far from home and couldn't make it back. The man has time before he needs to be home so he says"I have a rope in my car I can pull you home. If I get going to fast ring this bell and I will slow down." When they have only gone a little ways down the road a camaro pulls up next to the mustang. As camaros and mustangs are wont to do they race. A police officer spots them and radios to his partner "I've got a mustang racing a camaro" to which his partner replies alright I'll stop them." The first officer replies"its not them I'm worried about its the three hundred pound guy on a bike ringing a bell to get them to pull over so he can pass that has me concerned."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?
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Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A husband is leaving on another business trip
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The husband, being worried that his wife will cheat on him while he is gone, decides to buy an adult toy for her. The husband goes to a sex shop and sees the guy working behind the counter. The husband, not knowing what to get his wife asks the cashier straight up, "I'm worried about my wife cheating while I'm gone on my business trip, I need to buy something incredible to keep her satisfied while I'm gone." The cashier, without missing a beat, grabs a small pink box, already wrapped up, from below the counter. The husband asks what's in the box, to which the cashier tells him, it's the best toy money can buy, but he should give it to his wife and tell her not to open in until he is gone on the business trip. The husband agrees and right before he leaves for his trip, he leaves the unopened box on the bed for his wife. Later that night, the husband calls the wife and asks if she likes her present. The wife hurridly responds, "oh yes, it's incredible, I'm actually using it right now." The husband is pleased with his purchase and they finish their call. A few days later, the husband comes home from his business trip and finds his wife sweaty and out of breath. The husband asks what she's been up to and the wife, with a little smirk on her face, says that she was just using her new present before he came home. Being so impressed with the present, the husband goes back to the sex shop and speaks to the cashier saying, "My wife loves the toy I got from you and I've never seen her happier. I can't thank you enough for the present. You saved me from a lot of worrying. I must ask though, what was in the box?" To which the cashier hesitantly says, "my phone number."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why does the French Military install rearview mirrors on their tanks?
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So that they can see the battle.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two boys were misbehaving...
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...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave." The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest. She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked. "Where is God?" The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that "God is everywhere". Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, "Where is God?!". Ray still said nothing. So the priest stood up and slammed his hands on the desk yelling, "WHERE IS GOD?!?!". Ray stood up and ran out of the office, past his mother, and ran all the way home. He came screaming in the front door and ran straight to Jim's room. He opened the door and said, "GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants...
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The bartender looks over and says, "Get the fuck out of my bar, we're sick of hearing this goddamn joke."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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blacksmith joke
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A blacksmith asked his apprentice, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" He replied: "No, but i once told a donkey to fuck off"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the ZERO say to the EIGHT?
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Nice belt
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three Legged Dog
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A three legged dog walks into a bar in the Old West and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A nun was sitting in the bath....
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....when there was a knock on the door. Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation. "It's the blind man," came the reply. Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in. A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Your mom walks into a sex shop and the clerk directs her to where they keep the vibrators. She points to one she likes and tells him: "I'll take that red one." The clerk responds:
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"Ma'am, the vibrators are on the wall next to the fire extinguisher."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Love Dress
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A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked?" asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "Love dress? You are naked!" said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute." Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "love dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Maybe you should iron it first," he said.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A married couple return to the same hotel 25 years after their first night together.
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They enter the very same room where they consummated their marriage, close the door and put their luggage down. They gaze around the room and the wife says, "Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday." Her husband asks, "You remember our first night here?" with a twinkle in his eye. She nods her head with a sly smile on her face and asks, "What were you thinking when we walked in here 25 years ago ?" He replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry !" She then asks breathlessly ".. and what are you thinking now ?". "I think I did a pretty good job !"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants
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The bartender ask, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate says,"Arrrgh, it's driving me nuts"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What is black and white and red and brown and silver and can't turn around in an elevator?
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A nun with a harpoon through her head.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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so the hunchback of notre dame died yesterday
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and so today they are looking for a new guy to ring the bell.So they interviewed a few guys until the very last one but they were shocked to see he had no arms or legs so they asked "how are you going to ring the bell". He said "easy ill use my head" so they hired him and the next day he rang the bell with his head. But he fell off and died and everyone crowded around him and asked "anyone know him" and a "police man said no but his face sure rings a bell".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?'
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'We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.''
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were in their car and on their way to church.
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Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Jesus Christ that hurt, are you a complete fucking wanker?" The mother being upset went and talked to the priest. She said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." to which the Father said "Well, have you tried smacking them?" "Oh gosh no" she exclaimed. "Doesn't the Church look down on that kind of behavior?" The Father replied "Well, yes the Church does, but in some cases we make exceptions." The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he would like for breakfast. Tommy replies "Well, gimme some fucking waffles" to which the Mom backhands Tommy so hard he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. Shocked and terrified by what he witnessed, Timmy became very quiet. Then the mother asks him what he would like for breakfast. To which Timmy blurts out "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want those fucking waffles!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Clock warehouse
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A kid goes walking in the woods and stumbles a upon a warehouse. He goes inside the warehouse and there are hundreds of large grandfather clocks. After walking around a little he sees a wizard and he asks the wizard what the clocks are for. The wizard tells him that each clock is assigned to a different person, and whenever the person is masterbating the hands of the clock move. They walk around some more and the kid sees a clock that is away from the rest of the clocks over by a window and its spinning fast. The boy asks the wizard if that clocks broken because its spinning so fast and isn't stopping. The wizard says no, the clocks fine, it's just assigned to your mother. We use it as a fan.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many white people can you fit in a can?
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Crackers don't come in cans, they come in boxes!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Don't give the homeless money.
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They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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what's better than roses on your piano?
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tulips on your organ.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Bras are annoying:
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They really get on my tits. I am from the UK and have no idea whether this works in any other country at all.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually
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He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish! When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned, you will not rise again for another year." That night the old man slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly, he has the hugest erection ever, just as the medicine man promised! His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for ?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A grandfather and his grandson are spending time together....
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...While together the grandfather is smoking a cigar and the grandson asks "Can I try that grandpa?" the grandpa replies "Does your dick touch your asshole?" to which the grandson says "no". The grandpa states "then you have your answer". The next time they are spending time together the grandpa is drinking scotch and the grandson asks "can I try some?" The grandfather again asks "does your dick touch your asshole" and again the grandson says "no" and the grandpa replies "Then you have your answer." On the next occasion they are together the grandson is eating some ice cream and the grandpa asks "can I try some of that?" the grandson replies "does your dick touch your asshole?" The grandfather replies with a "yes" to which the grandson replies "then go fuck yourself grandpa"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Signs...
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The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to... - You lose arguments with inanimate objects. - You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. - Your job interferes with your drinking. - Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. - You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group. - Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! - You consider that having two hands and only one mouth is a drinking problem. - You can normally focus better with one eye closed. - The parking lot seems to have moved since you entered the bar. - You fall off the floor sometimes. - Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. - Mosquitoes stumble about after attacking you. - At weekly AA meetings, you forget your own name. - Your idea of cutting back is less salt. - The whole bar greets you when you come in. - You don't recognise your wife unless you see her through the bottom of your glass. - That damned pink elephant followed you home again!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What is Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?
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Barackoli
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The legend of Sorry the archer.
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An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head. The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!" The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell." The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A geek dies and goes to heaven.
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After spending a few days there, he realizes there are a lot of people he wants to talk to, and a lot of questions he wants to ask them. He walks up to an angel and asks, "So how come we don't have iPads up here? It would be really nice to have an iPad; that way I could jot down a note about something I want to ask someone, and when I meet them, I can look it up again." The angel says, "Dear brother, in heaven we do not need iPads to remember things for us, for we have perfect memory." The geek replies, "But I heard rumors that in hell they have iPads. Why would they have them down there if we don't up here?" The angel says simply, "Here's a telescope. See for yourself." So the geek looks through the telescope. "Huh," he exclaims. "It looks like they're all looking for chargers!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof
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I was shocked.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?
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One less drunk...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Six chocolate bars
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An old man, sitting on his porch one nice day, sees a chubby little boy walk down the street to the store. On the way back the boy is carrying six chocolate bars, and proceeds to sit down not far from the old man's lawn, peel open the chocolate bar wrappers one by one and eat the candy inside. When the boy is on his fourth chocolate bar the old man can't contain himself any longer. Marching over to the boy he says, "Son, you just can't eat like that. You're going to get fat, you're going to be unhealthy, you're going to die too young!" The boy looks up at him and says, "Well, my Grandfather lived to be 96 years old." The old man says, "Yes, and did he eat six candy bars at a time?" And the boy replied "No, he minded his own fucking business."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
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You look for fresh prints
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas
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Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A tip for Snowden.
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Apparently he is traveling all of the world but if you never want to appear in front of an American judge there is only one place to go... Guantanomo bay
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukkake party.
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You should have seen her face.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Politician's Tells
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Especially given recent events, it's important to be able to understand how to read a politician. Every politician has similar tells, you see... When a politician rubs their nose, they're telling the truth. When a politician scratches their chin, they're telling the truth. When a politician strokes their beard, they're telling the truth. When a politician loosens their tie, they're telling the truth. When a politician scratches their ear, they're telling the truth. But when a politician opens their mouth, that's when you know they're lying.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a horse walks into a bar...
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And the bartender says, "why the long face?" To which the horse replies, "I'm a raging alcoholic and it's destroying my family."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call white people sitting on a bench
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The nba
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Poor Susie!
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Q: Why couldn't Susie ride the swings? A: Because she has no arms! Knock knock. Who's there? Not Susie!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Needed directions in Hollywood last weekend
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So last weekend in Hollywood i managed to get lost so i approached a fancy looking black couple and asked for directions . . . They gave me their baby.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A rich society hostess gives a dinner for a number of businessmen.
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Unfortunately she suffers from flatulence. The first time she 'toots' one of the gentlemen gets up and says pardon me ma'am and leaves the room. The next time she 'toots' another gentleman does the same. An American turns to his British colleague and says 'What gives - she keeps farting and guys leave the room'. His colleague says 'this is British politeness - the gentlemen are taking the blame for the lady'. The next time she 'toots' the American stands up and says 'have this one on me, ma'am' and leaves the room.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman went to the doctor with indigestion.
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The doctor examined her and told her she was pregnant. 'I can't be' she said 'I am not married and havn't had sex for months'. The doctor thought for a minute and then asked if her boyfriend was a member of the SAS. 'Yes' she exclaimed 'how did you know?' The doctor said 'well, they are trained to get in and out without anyone noticing!'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Kanye & Kim were discussing their decision to name their child North West
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They agreed that next time they would fly with Virgin
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What happens when you put too many paintings in your car?
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You can't make your van gogh.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Photon Checks into a hotel...
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The bellhop ask, "can I help you with your luggage?" It replies, "I don't have any, I'm traveling light."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A bus full of ugly people crashes
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A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET
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Boss hangs a poster in Office "I AM THE BOSS, DO NOT FORGET" He returns from lunch, finds a slip on his desk. "Ur wife called, she wants her poster back home."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A couple of old guys were golfing
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when one mentioned he was going to go to Dr.John R. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before."Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt....."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Suttering Man
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So Frank has had a stuttering problem all of his life and dealt with it for the most part. Until one day he decided to go to the doctor and see if there was anything that could be done about it. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" Frank says, "I-I-I-I've h-had a st-stut-stuttering probleam a-all my l-life and I-I want t-to know if a-a-anything can b-be done about i-it." The doctor says,"we will have to run some tests and see what the problem is. We will have you come in in a couple days for the diagnosis." So Frank goes home. A few days later Frank heads back into the doctor's office anxiously waiting hear his results. Frank says, "S-so whats the n-news doc?" The doctor states, "well i have some bad news. It seems that your penis is causing you to have this stuttering problem. There is an operation that could be done to have it removed and you would still be able to urinate but not ejaculate. that is the only way to solve the problem." Frank, after a deep amount of thought, decides to go through with the operation. Weeks go by after the successful operation, but the more time passes, the more Frank wishes he still had his penis. So Frank goes back to the doctor and states, "Although I love not having a stuttering problem anymore, I really would like to have my penis back." To that statement the doctor replies, "I-I-I'm af-fraid th-that's not an option."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the janitor flush the toilet?
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Because it was his duty.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy is sitting at the bar with a worried look on his face.
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The bartender sees him and says "Hey man, are you alright?" The guy says "I'm not sure but I'm thinking there's something's wrong with me." The bartender asks him "Do you have any idea of what might be wrong?" The guy explains, "Well before I go to work, my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. And when I get to work, my secretary and I have sex, then at lunch we have sex and then a 'quickie' right before I go home. But then when I get home, my wife jumps me again and we have sex before dinner, after dinner and then again before we go to sleep. All this happens every day." "Shit," gasps the bartender, "do you think that's your problem?" The guy replies, "No it's not that but when I jerk off, I get all dizzy and shit."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A panda walks into a bar.
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He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She comes over and talks to the panda, and eventually the two of them go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" says the panda. The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission
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Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks. They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in the other room and he has to kill her. The man outright refuses them and says he won't do it. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves. They bring the second spy in, they also tell him he has to kill his wife. The man goes into the room with his wife, holding the gun in his hand, and comes out after five minutes, crying. "I can't bring myself to do it, I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it." He says. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves. The third spy comes in and they tell her that her husband is tied up in the next room and she has to kill him. They hand her the gun and she enters the room. There is a brief silence but then some sound of struggle, after a while the sounds stop and she exits the room. "What happened in there?" They ask. "The gun you gave me had blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How are a punchline and a dick similar?
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they only bring a smile if used properly.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I couldn't recall where I had rented my car from...
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...but then I remembered the Alamo
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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5 penises
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A man visits his doctor and tells him, "You've got to help me doc. I've got 5 penises!" To which the doctor replies, "5 penises! How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the hardest part of rollerblading?
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Telling your parents you're gay.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do men with big dicks eat for breakfast?
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If you had one you would know.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does a racist get for their birthday?
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KK-cake
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
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Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Q: What's Slimy, cold, green, and smells like pork?
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A: Kermit the Frog's Finger
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I saw a woman with 12 breasts
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Sounds amazing, dozen tit?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
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To get to the ugly guy's house. Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime
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when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!! Private Smith mutters "You've gotta be kidding" but just to prove his Sergeant is an idiot, he does it. An enemy soldier comes up, he points the stick at him and yells BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY. Enemy dies. Smith thinks "There's no way that worked, someone else must have shot him, let me try it again." BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! Another soldier goes down. Bewildered, he does it again, and again, with great success. Private Smith kills many people in this manner, and he begins to get very cocky. His platoon is patrolling a rural road, when they get ambushed, and Private Smith knows that to do. BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!! BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! BANGITY BANGITY BANGI-AAAAGGGHHHH! He starts writhing on the ground in immense pain. His Sergeant pulls him to safety and asks whats wrong. Smith replies "Somebody yelled tankity tankity tankity"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Everyone is going crazy over that Kim and Kanye named their baby "North West" I believe she's going straight to the top...
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And slightly to the left
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Say what you want about pedophiles..
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but at least they slow down at children's crossings.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you get when an argument occurs on a camping trip?
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A tents atmosphere
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Brits, Aussies, and Kiwis will most likely only get this:
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Remember Bill and Ben, The Flowerpot Men? One day, Bill says to Ben, "Flobadobglibglobbloobleglob!" And Ben say, "If you loved me, you'd swallow that....."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building
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needed a handsaw. So after spotting another worker on the ground floor he yells down to him, but to no avail because he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries some sign language. He points to his eye meaning "I", then points to his knee meaning "need", and then moves his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion for a handsaw. The man on the ground floor seeing this then nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating like no tomorrow. The worker on 5th floor seeing this gets so pissed off that he runs back down to the ground floor and says, "What the FUCK is your problem man. I said I needed a hand saw". The other guy says, "Oh I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that it was coming"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A group of people walk into a bar...
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An Irishman, a rabbi, a Japanese man, a blind man and a boat captain walk into a bar. The bartender asks "is this some kind of a joke?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man and his monkey go into a bar
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The guy orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He grabs some olives off the bar and eats them and then he grabs some sliced limes and eats those too. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs the cue ball and swallows that whole ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what he do?" says the man. "That fucking monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, no surprise," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight. Sorry about that but I'll pay for that cue ball." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. And again he orders a drink and again the monkey starts running around the bar. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey is doing?" "No I didn't. What's he doing?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, then pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Oh yeah that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He does still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he now measures everything first."
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