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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman out with her friend over a cup of coffee, lamented
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that her bastard husband wanted her to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, hoping that she was good enough in bed to cover the months rent. "You didn't do it really, honestly, did you?" asked her friend. "Yup, I have to admit, I did it. But what I didn't do was tell my husband was that the rent is now paid up for the rest of the year."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A rather attractive woman after having been in the Pub awhile, goes up to the bar of this small rural Pub.
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She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do ducks have webbed feet?
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To put out fires. Why do elephants have large, flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
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1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job. 2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie. 4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you. 5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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College roommates
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Two girls, one from Georgia, one from Connecticut, are going to be roommates in college in Virginia. On move-in day, they are unpacking and settling in, when the southern belle asks "So where y'all from?" The northern girl replies with a huff: "Well! I'm from Connecticut, where they teach us not to end a sentence with a preposition!" The Georgian girl responds: "Oh, I apologize! Where y'all from, cunt?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The word of the day is legs...
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Lets go home and spread the word
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two part joke
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Q. How does an elephant hide in an apple tree? A. He paints his balls red. Q. What's the loudest sound in Africa? A. Giraffes eating apples.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does DNA stand for?
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National Dyslexics Association.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I lost the Sore Loser Award last night...
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It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Together Again
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Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.” One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
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She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try. She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or abuse her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements. She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting. "i'm here about your dating ad," he said. The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!" Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you." Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?" "honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
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Your mom can't take a joke
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Ford Focus
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Sitting in traffic today waiting for the light to change. The car in front of us was a Ford Focus. I turned to my daughter and said.. if that driver opens her door and steps out of the car, does she get all blurry? Because if she did, wouldn't she be "out of Focus" ?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Every time I click "Remember Me" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence...
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...But some cookies would brighten my day! Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH"
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The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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You know what they say about prison...
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You go in a tight end and come out a wide receiver
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly...
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One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for your patience." All seems fine until an hour later, when another loud explosion sounds. The pilot once again comes over the intercom and says, "Hey there, folks. No need to be alarmed; we lost another engine, but rest assured this airplane is still perfectly safe. Unfortunately this makes our delay an hour longer. Thank you four your cooperation." Another hour goes by without incident, when there is another explosion. "This is your Pilot once again...we lost our third of four engines, but don't worry at all, we are still in good shape. I am sorry to inform you that we will once again be delayed and it will take us five hours to get to our destination. We apologize and thank you for flying with us." One passenger turns to the next and says, "At this rate we'll be up here forever!" Edit: Fixed punchline. Thanks worthless_noob! you are not worthless at all!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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It's going to be a cold day today in Motown......
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Three Degrees, Four Tops.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...
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He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with" "Of course my lord, what is it you wish?" "I wish for you to fill it with carp!" Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi- "**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**" "Well okay, what do you wish for the second storey?" "I have given this some thought...and I wish it to be filled with carp!" "But my lord..the first sto-" "**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH!**" Noah sighs "I know this is probably pointless asking, but what do you wish for the third storey?" "Well Noah, that shall also be filled with carp" Noah begins to get frustrated, he says "I do not mean to question you lord, but we could do so much with this space!. I have to ask, why are you filling it all with carp?!" God Looks to him and says "Well Noah, I've always wanted to be the owner of a three storey Carpark"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hark, I hear the cannons roar
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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I got you a job. It's a one-liner." "That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor. "You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're late! Get up to makeup right now!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!" So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A drunk man stumbles into a bar...
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A drunk man stumbles into a bar and approaches the bartender and orders two shots of whiskey. Bartender says "damn man, you look like you've had a shitty day" Drunk man, slightly crying says "it'sss been the worst day of my whole liffffe! I wassss standing on the corner of street taking a piss when a busss went by and knocked my dick off man!" Bartender says "that sounds impossible. No way a bus knocked your dick off" Drunk man says "I got it right here...in my pocket!" and he reaches into his pocket and lays it up on the bar. Bartender says "You drunk fool, that ain't your dick. That's a cigar" Drunk man examines the object on the bar and says "Oh. Wrong pocket" then reaches into his other pocket and grabs it and puts it on the bar. Bartender says "Sorry bub. That's a cigar too" Drunk looks at both items and starts to cry -"Holy sssshit. I smoked my dick"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The greatest salesman....
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So the greatest salesman of all time sees a potential customer and stops him. The customer tells the salesman that he is in a hurry, the salesman tells him that he is selling energy drinks so he can get faster to his destination. I dont have time for this, says the customer. Time!! I'm selling Citizen, Bulova, Mont Blanc. No thanks, says the customer i'm in a hurry got to go to the office. Office!!! says the salesman, I got Desks, Computers, Laptops, Pen. STOP BOTHERING MEEE!!! I do not feel well. SICK!! Says the salesman, Panadol, Tylenol, Peptobismol... OK!! says the customer, do you sell guns??, GUNS!!! I have Magnum, 9mm, Shotguns.. Give me a 9mm.. and bam.. shoot the sales man twice in the chest.... KEVLAR!!!!! Long sleeve, short sleeve, no sleeve.... :/
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Kanye and Kim name their first child North West...
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....in hopes that it will one day be the lead singer for One Direction
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hunting Polar Bears
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A hunter decides he wants to hunt a polar bear in the northern tundra. He hires a plane and a guide to take him out in to the ice fields. He asks the guide if he has any advice on how to catch a polar bear. "It's quite simple," the guide responds. "First you take your shovel and dig a large hole in to the ice. Then take this can of peas and sprinkle them around the hole." Confused, the hunter asks, "How on earth is that going to help me catch a polar bear?" The guide smiles, "When the bear bends over to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man visits his doctor...
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and asks him how to improve his sexual performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests masturbating a couple of hours before a sexual encounter. After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him. The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?" "Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies. The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner...
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His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?" "Cause he's thinking of getting married."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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As I was checking into the hotel I asked, 'Is the porn channel disabled?'
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The girl at the desk said, 'No, you sick bastard'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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From my Botswanan friend
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A man dies and goes to hell. He finds that there is a different hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day'. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russia Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the BOTSWANA Hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The BOTSWANA devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. 'But, that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?' asks the man. Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the BOTSWANA devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in; signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does D.N.A. stand for?
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National Dyslexia Association
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A lady walks into a bar...
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Sits down and says to the bartender "give me a double." He asks "what'll it be?" She replies "make it an entedre." So he gave it to her.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...
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...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?" To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he responds with "Hmmm, welp, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed. Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever." The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves. Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks. Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure". He then says to the woman, "that's called keeping your mouth shut."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The King
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The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients. After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship. So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara. The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have". One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France." The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build". Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet. Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis." The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Gloves
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A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love, Hollingsworth P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Baby elephant
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There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I saw this really good movie in a hotel..
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There were a lot of gunfights, cowboys, saloons and drinking. It was the Best Western I've ever seen.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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BREAKING NEWS: Patriots admit Tim Tebow hired by mistake.
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After tight end Aaron Hernandez request for white Bronco.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation?
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Paradice...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom...
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So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom, and he’s got a lot of work to do. First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store and there’s a huge tuxedo line. Eventually he rents a tux and gets out of there and realizes he has to go to the florist. once he gets there he realizes there’s a huge corsage line at the florist. Eventually he gets the corsage and has to go rent a limo, but there’s a huge line when he gets to the limo place. Finally, after waiting for hours and making the arrangements, it’s the night of the prom. He picks up his girl and takes her to get in, but there’s an enormous ticket line. once they get in the start having some fun and dancing, but she tells him “I’m hungry” So he goes to get her some food, but there’s a huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat. they go back to dancing and she says “Now I’m thirsty, can you get me a drink?” So he goes to get her a drink and there is no punchline.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A joke about Batman my 4yo. brother came up with
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Knock, knock Who's there? Batman Batman who? Bruce Wayne!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The 3 brothers
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Three brothers named Ernie, Matt, and Steve are on a boat, when suddenly it wrecks. The brothers are the only survivors. They swim to a shore, only to be captured be natives. The natives dislike outsiders, and so they arrange to have them executed. A man with a bow aims at Ernie and asks, "Do you have any last words?" Well, Ernie thinks for a while, and then looks out into the distance and shouts, "HURRICANE!!!" All of the natives run into their huts, and Ernie gets away in a canoe. Next the man aims at Matt. He asks, "Do you have any last words?" Matt thinks for a bit, then looks in horror as he shouts "TORNADO!!!" All of the tribesmen run back into their huts, and Matt gets away in a canoe. When the archer asks Steve for his last words, Steve is very confident. He puts a false sense of worry on his face and shouts "FIRE!!!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Just Juan
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you get a Nun pregnant?
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Dress her up as an altar boy...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
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Because all the roads lead to Rome.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?
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Chevy Chase.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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When life hands you melons...
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You might be dyslexic.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An old rooster vs. a cocky cock
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My Grandpa used to tell me this one... So one day in the chicken coop the farmer drops off a new, young, strong rooster from the market. The new cocky rooster tells the old rooster "This is my coop now, and these are my hens!" The old rooster tells him "Fine, if you can beat me in a race around the farm, it's all yours" The young rooster thinks "I'll give him his little race but after I am kicking him out no matter what." So the two roosters take off around the farm, at first the young rooster is in the lead but when they get to the farmer's house the old rooster bursts ahead. Then suddenly... "BLAM" the farmer shoots the young roosters head right off. "God Dammit! That's the third gay rooster i bought from that damn market this week!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
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Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three Priest are deciding what to do with the church donations for the week
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One priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw all the money in tha air and whatever lands inside the circle they give to God. The second priest suggests that they draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and whatever lands outside of the circle they give to God. The third priest suggests that they simply throw the money into the air, and whatever God wants he takes.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A couple has a baby...
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After the delivery, the doctor takes the baby away to check on its health. Shortly thereafter, the doctor comes back in the room and informs the couple that he has some good news, and some bad news, and ask which they would like to hear first. The couple talks it over for a second tells the doctor they want the bad news first, to get it out of the way. The doctor looks down at his shoes, sighs and says, "Well, I don't really know how to say this. But you baby, its a ginger." The couple, obviously relieve, reply "That isn't bad at all! Whats the good news?" "Its dead"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why is six afraid of seven?
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Because seven is a registered six offender.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How much does a slave cost?
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I have no idea, I just know they aren't free
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why are programmers good husbands?
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Because they're good at commiting.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Redneck son Jedidiah returns from college for the summer
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He hops on a plane and arrives at the airport where his dad is waiting on him. Daddy: Hey, Jed! Good to have ya back in town. Jedidiah: Glad to be back, daddy. Daddy: So tell me. What did ya learn there at college? Jed racks his brain and decides on his memory. Jedidiah: Pi r^2 Daddy: What are they teaching you in college? Pie are round!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call...
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What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef Stroganoff
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed?
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Hummuside
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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When life starts
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A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How to catch an elephant
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1. Dig a large pit that an elephant can fit into without being able to escape. 2. Make a fire in the pit and let it burn for a day then go out. 3. Place peas around the edge of the pit. 4. When the elephant comes to a take a pea, kick it in the ash hole. I know this isn't a "joke" exactly, but it's kind of cute. I'm having a bad day, so just fucking laugh, dammit.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Elderly Woman and Her Cat
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An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes." The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect. "Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The best kind watermelon... Disclaimer:This joke was told by my grandmother
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A fruit salesman was having a normal day in his fruit shop. A customer came along and asked for his best watermelon, and the owner gave him a watermelon. The customer asked "Are you sure this is the best watermelon you have?" "Yes sir" replied the owner, " the finest watermelon I have." The customer was about to leave with his new, ripe watermelon when suddenly, a truck went off course from the road and was mere inches away from the customer and the fruit shop owner. The fright caused the customer to drop his watermelon, which opened and revealed that it was actually a pasty white color, not the ruby red color a regular ripe watermelon has! The customer asked "Hey, I thought you said that this watermelon was the ripest one you had!" The fruit shop owner replied "Well yes, it was, until the truck came along. You can't blame the watermelon for being white after having a near- death experience!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the albino clairvoyant master hypnotist from San Francisco?
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He was a super pallid Cali mystic, expert at hypnosis. (Today I had wanted to tell someone the Gandhi joke I read on here the other day, but I couldn't remember it so I made this up and thought I may as well share it even though it's purely derivative.)
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If a man and a woman get married in Tennessee then move to Texas and get divorced…
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Are they still brother and sister?
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What happened?
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A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, “What happened?” The man rubbed the back of his head and said, “I don’t know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, “Well, at least they tried.”
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What is another name for the disabled stall in a restroom?
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A handicrapped zone.
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Be careful in traffic with your pasta car...
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You wouldn't want it to get al dente.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a Blonde Brunette and a Redhead are all assistants to a powerful lady C.E.O.....
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The C.E.O tells the ladies she is leaving for the day and for them to watch things/do her work while she is out. When the C.E.O. leaves, the Redhead says, "Man this is the 3rd time this week she's done this to us!" The Brunette starts to gather her things and replies: "that's it, I'm outa here." The Redhead shakes her head in agreement but the Blonde rejects the idea. Soon enough the Brunette and Redhead leave and advise the Blonde to do the same. Eventually the Blonde leaves but just decides to go home and spend time with her husband. The next day the Brunette and Redhead arrive early to work and are greeted by the C.E.O. storming past them and locking herself in her office, her face full of shame and embarrassment. The Blonde arrives, late and looking flustered. The Brunette and Redhead ask the Blonde if they know what's wrong with the C.E.O., she replies, "aww I knew she would be mad, all I wanted to do was surprise my husband by coming home early, and instead I end getting caught by my boss in my own home!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do all battered women have in common?
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They don't listen.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hookers and blow
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Whats the difference between a hooker and a crack dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between Jesus and a Mexican?
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Jesus didn't have a bunch of tattoos of a Mexican...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Is the subscribed to r/jokes number a joke?
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I laughed but still. I find it unlikely that a quarter billion people subscribed to r/jokes
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot...
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and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
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Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?
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Because proper tea is theft!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Scariest thing ever
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The scariest thing in the world is waking up with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. I was so scared I almost swerved off the road!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen
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There were 2 Irishmen, 2 Scotsmen, and 2 Englishmen stuck on a deserted island. In one year, the two Irishmen made a still and was brewing beer, the two Scotsmen built a pub and were selling it. The two Englishmen still weren't talking to each other because they weren't properly introduced.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There was a king with three cups.
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He filled the first cup. He filled the second cup. But he left the third cup empty. What was the kings name? King Philip the Third.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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New Knock-Knock joke?
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Child: Knock Knock Grandmother: Who's there? Child: [Insert Name] Grandmother: [Insert Name] who? Child: Oh no! You have Alzheimer's! Yes? No?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the DJ order from the deli?
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A club sandwich with extra beets.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy and a girl have been dating for a while...
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and she tells him that she's ready to go the next step of their relationship and have sex. She invites him over for dinner at her parents house and then afterwards to go back to her place to do the deed. After much consideration he decides that he should buy condoms just to be safe for their night of love making. So he goes to the pharmacy and takes a look. He becomes indecisive about which package of condoms to buy, should he buy the large fifty pack or go with the four pack? He decides to ask the pharmacist and explains the situation to him. After speaking with him for a while he decides to get the large fifty pack. Later that night, he goes to his girlfriends parents house for dinner, bringing her mother flowers. They all sit around the table, and he to the surprise of his girlfriend offers to say grace. They all bow their heads and five minutes go by, ten minutes go by and he's still saying prayers. The girlfriend leans over to him and says: "Wow I didn't know you were so religious." He leans back over and responds "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist." (Haven't seen this one on here so I thought I would share)
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I was going to tell you guys more jokes about the Titanic passengers
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but I think they've gone overboard
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Spanish joke... Un pez dijo al otro pez, "Qué hace tu padre?"
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Nada
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Two fish were in a tank...
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...one turns to another and says "any idea how to drive this thing?"
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I was walking though a forest
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With a young girl the other night and she said "I'm scared" I said "Your scared, I've gotta walk back on my own"
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How does a baby Wookie get around?
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Ewoks
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What's the difference between hitler and a gay man.
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A 45 degree angle.
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I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...
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I'm moving the fridge to my room.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
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The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda...
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He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
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The man who loved marine mammals
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There was a marine biologist, named Dr. Panglos, who loved marine mammals. (When I say he loved marine mammals though, I’m not talking about having sex with dolphins; he just loved to study them). He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make them live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realised that, in order to mass produce this serum, he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American myna bird. Carried away by his love for marine mammals, however, he decided that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. As he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The Lion’s name was Leo, which wasn’t too original of a name for a lion if you ask me, but it’s probably not important to the story. Anyway, the zoo keepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep since it was Leo’s regular naptime anyway. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and stole his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absent-mindedly over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 15 policemen converged on him and arrested him. His crime? Transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. --- I've been thinking about this joke a lot because you guys keep posting similar jokes, but I knew I couldn't tell it properly, so [I plagiarized.](http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/forums/viewthread/1345/) ^^^For ^^^non-english ^^^speakers, ^^^it's ^^^a ^^^play ^^^on ^^^"Transporting ^^^a ^^^minor ^^^across ^^^state ^^^lines ^^^for ^^^immoral ^^^purposes.
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I went into my local record store recently...
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and asked the clerk "do you have anything by The Doors?", and he replied, "just the fire extinguisher".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Husband & Wife Diary Entries
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Wife's Diary Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I’d been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it. Conversation over supper wasn't flowing, so I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. Tonight, when he came home from work, he skipped supper altogether, piddled in the garage for two hours, then headed straight for his recliner and sat there quietly staring at the TV. When I asked him about the fire they’d just covered on the news, he said he hadn’t followed the story. It had just been on! Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but he was distant and distracted. He didn't even kiss me goodnight -- he just fell asleep. I lay there for hours wondering what was wrong. I don't know how to reach him. I don’t know what to do. Husband's Diary: Boat still won’t start. Can't figure it out.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man walks into a bank...
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(Man to teller) "I want to open a fucking saving account." The Astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank". The woman leaves the window and goes to bank manager to inform him of this situation. The manager agrees that the woman does not have to listen to this kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, "Sir, what what seems to be problem here?" "There is no fucking problem", the man says "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank." "Oh... I see" says the bank manager. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
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He was looking for a tight seal.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ...
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he looked at me & said "Me? how?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An engineer, a biologist and a mathematician are watching a bar
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As they watch, two people enter. Later, three people leave. The engineer says, "There was someone in there before." The biologist says, "They must have reproduced." The mathematician says, "If one more person enters there will be nobody left in the bar."
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Today a whole bunch of friends in trade school started throwing jokes around. These were the funniest.
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What do you call a electrician who tries to be a carpenter? A lousy carpenter What do yoy call a carpenter who tries to be an electrican? A dead carpenter What do you call a electrician with a hammer? Thief
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Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft...
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Get tone of A Flat Miner.
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My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...
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You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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Apparently Muslims invented the condom.
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As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
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So I have these lesbian neighbors...
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They asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and then got me a watch. I think they misunderstood me.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?
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The drunk driver runs the stop sign. The stoned driver waits for it to turn green.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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If you have a pet parrot
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and don't teach it to say "Help they've turned me into a parrot", you're wasting everyone's time.
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