Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	Two. But I don't know how they got in there.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?	One. Apparently she will screw anything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Entertainment	A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	This is a classic Deaf joke.	Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have plenty of cigars back home." The the Russian take out a handle of vodka and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good vodka!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have plenty of vodka back home." Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have plenty of hearing people back home.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	First Time	A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!" Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him. True story...LOL!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the Leper say to the hooker?	Keep the tip.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do melons have traditional marriages?	Because they cantaloupe
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bubba n' Buford II	One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idy...". Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If you're a necrophiliac...	is it called wallpapering the coffin?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bubba n' Buford	Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Buford like he's a idiot n' says, "Well duh, send our grass out to get it cut like them folks!".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town	walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do men do after orgasm?	1% Do it again 1% Go Smoking 1% Fall Asleep 97% Clear History EDIT: Punctuation
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver.	"Is it his shield?" I asked.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two Italians are on a bus (x-post /r/askreddit)	...in America, I heard one of them say to the other, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, then I come again. Two asses come together one more time, then I, pee twice, then I come again." So I look at him and tell him we don't discuss our sex life in public, he told me, "I'm not talking abouta sex, I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Gatorades competition. [OC]	Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University also tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes. Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "Seminole Fluid"...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?	I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?	Because he was Snowden
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between a cat and a comma?	A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma is the pause at the end of a clause.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What I tell people is the great Canadian joke	Bob and Doug lived in the northern wilds of Canada. Winter was approaching so they went out to chop wood to keep them warm during the cold months. After working all day they had gathered a respectable amount of firewood and were feeling pretty exhausted. Bob turns to Doug and says "Well, what do you think? Do we have enough? What if we have a really cold winter?" They discussed this for a while and finally decided to ask old Indian Joe what he thought. So Bob climbed to the top of the hill, found Indian Joe and asked him "Joe, is it going to be a cold winter?" Joe looked over the vast forest and nodded, "Yes, cold winter". So Bob went back down and told Doug what Joe had said. They worked the night through, chopping down more trees, until morning when they had a huge amount of firewood. Again, exhausted, they discussed whether that would be enough. Bob climbed to the top of the hill and asked Joe again, "Joe, is it going to be a very cold winter?" Joe looked over the vast forest and nodded, "Yes, very cold winter" So Bob made his way back down to Doug and told him what Joe had said. They worked the rest of the day through, until they had a mountain of firewood. Close to collapse, they decided to ask Joe if it was going to be a very, very, very cold winter. Both of them climbed to the top of the hill and Bob asked Joe, "Joe, is it going to be a very, very, very cold winter?" Joe looked out over the vast forest and said "Yes, very, very, very cold winter" Doug, who couldn't take any more said "Listen Joe, I know you are a native Indian and you people know this stuff, but how do you know it is going to be such a cold winter?" Joe looked at them and said "White man cut many trees".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff?	Tequila...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sven walks into a bar...	... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a vodka, and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back. They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more vodka is required. Eventually Sven says, "Snow again." Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?	So he could get a long little doggy!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wish Benedict Cumberbatch played Q in 007	Then I could call him Benedict "Q" Cumberbatch.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a bunch of Mexican Stoners?	Baked Beans.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Moses make his tea?	Hebrews it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two hipsters walk into a bar.	The first did it before it was cool. The second did it ironically.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Scotsman's Chilli	A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl. The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	2 men walk into a corner shop,	one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say "Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!" The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the floor. He then proceeds to wank all over the counter, get his bollocks out and run up and down shouting "Julia Gillard's a fucking cunt!" The robber in the ski mask looks astounded. After they've both left he asks the man in the clown outfit "What the fuck was that back there?!" the clown replies "I'd like to see those fuckers on Crime Investigation re-enact that".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?	Little Caesars. ...I'll see myself out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the necrophiliac have when his grandmother died?	Mourning wood
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Visitors	Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over." The other one asks: "Why do you think that?" The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Clock Shop	So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The guys get lost in the woods....	... and get captured by Native Americans. They tell the three guys that if they want to live they have to go out into the woods and collect ten fruits. They go their separate ways and start looking for any type of fruit they can find. First guy comes back with ten apples. The native americans tell him that he must stick all ten apples up his ass or they'll kill him. He gets up to 4 apples in his ass, struggles with the fifth one and gets killed. Second guy comes back with ten grapes. He gets the 9th one in then starts to laugh. He gets killed for laughing. So up in heaven, the first guy asks the second guy, "Why'd you laugh? You almost had it!" Second guy responds, "Couldn't help it, the other guy came back with pineapples."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Yo daddy jokes?	Recently heard a yo mama joke and wondered if there is such a thing as yo daddy jokes. If they do exist, I'd like to read some!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Ole and Sven	A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "why sure," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "where ya from?" "Norway," replies the second man. The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway." Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?" "Bergen," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen." Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, where did you live?" "On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man. "Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One Night Stand (NSFW)	A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedroom. They get to the bed, and not wanting to disappoint, he gives her his best. With each thrust, he notices her toes are curling. Proudly, he thinks, "I must really be getting her off!" They finish, and eventually go to sleep. In the morning, they decide to have another go in the shower. He's giving it to her even harder than he did the night before, but he can't seem to get the same toe-curling reaction. They both climax, and afterwards, while they're getting dressed, he asks her, "Last night, when we made love, you seemed more into it than you did this morning. Did I do something wrong?" "No," she said. "You were great! Why do you ask?" "Well, I noticed that last night your toes were curling, and this morning they weren't." "That's because I wasn't wearing my pantyhose this time."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Englishman, an American, a Frenchman and an Australian are drinking in a bar.	The Englishman starts bragging and says that last night i was having sex with my wife and when she came her hips raised 2inches off the bed. The American says that's nothing. Last night while going down on my wife she came so hard her hips raised 10inches off the bed. The Frenchman says ha, rubbish that's nothing. Last night while making love to my wife she raised her hips 12inches off the bed in ecstasy. The Australian says, well last night I fucked my wife got out of bed wiped my dick clean on the curtain and she hit the fucking roof.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My one and only joke.	Two olives are sitting at a bar, one falls off and the other one says "Ahhh are you ok?" And the one that fell is like "Yeah, olive."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Lone Ranger and Tonto . . .	The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert. The Lone Ranger asked Tonto for the time. Tonto takes off his loin cloth, sporting a proud erection. Tonto looks at the shadow of his erection and says "It's 3:15". The Lone Ranger checks his watch. Sure enough, it's 3:15. Some time later the Lone Ranger again asks Tonto for the time. Again Tonto takes off his loin cloth, checks the shadow, and says "5:20". Sure enough it's 5:20. Later that night, the Lone Ranger walks into Tonto's teepee and catches him stroking himself. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto, what he is doing! Tonto explains "me wind'em watch!".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Different kinds of sex through marriage	When a couple gets married, they have the tradition of having sex in every room in the house. After some years they have only bedroom sex. When they get old, they have what is called hallway sex. Basically what happens is they pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck You"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There's an overloaded Plane	With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there's no more. The pilot says, "I'm sorry but we're going to have to make some of you jump out." The Brit says, "I'll go first, for the Queen!" and jumps out. Then the Australian says, "I'll go, for Australia." and jumps out. Then the American says, "For America!" and throws the Mexican out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Orange Jews	100% Concentrated.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?	Wiped his ass.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man escapes from a prison...	..where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Another Jack and Jill joke	Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly and asked Jill "Do ya wanna?" Jill said "Yes" Took off her dress and they had a little fun, But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jack and Jill	Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack can bang Jill's fanny. Jack came down with quite a frown Because Jill's a fucking tranny.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Do you know what 6.9 is?	A good thing screwed up by a period.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Version of previous post.	One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his genitals. A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let you.''
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a cow...?	What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Strokin-Off
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I also heard a dick joke at church camp	One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Car broke down.	While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two naked men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats. Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a man walks into a bar...	He says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that I can piss into that glass over there without missing a single drop." The bartender looks at the glass and sees it's a good 10 ft. away so he said, "Young man, you've got yourself a bet." So the man unzips his pants and lets loose. He's pissing everywhere. All over the bar, the tables, the bar stools, everywhere. The bartender is laughing with piss dripping down his face and he says, "Son, you just lost $100." The young man seems to not care and tells the bartender to wait a second while he walks over to the pool table where a few people are playing and talks to them for a while. He comes back, sets the money on the table. The bartender asks him why he seems so happy that he lost the bet. They man says, "You see those guys over there? I bet them $500 each that I could piss all over your bar, and not only would you not be mad, you'd be happy."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Gong clock	A guy and his friend stumble into his apartment late at night. The friend wonders what time it is, but when he looks over at the night-table where a clock would be, he sees a large gong. "Dude, why do you have a gong instead of a clock?" The guy says "Oh, here", and takes a mallet and whacks the gong really hard. "DON'T YOU FUCKING IDIOTS KNOW ITS 3 AM?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Learned in church camp when I was 10 or 11. The only joke I know.	So there was this yellow toad, he wants to be green like his buddies. He goes to the Dr. and gets a blood transfusion to turn himself green. A while later he returns to the Dr. "Hey doc, you did a good job. But I have one problem...my dick is still yellow". The Dr. tells the toad that he can't do anything, but can refer him to the wizard of Oz who should be able to help. So the toad goes on his way. While this is going on there is a pink elephant who is having the same problem and just wants to be gray like all the other elephants. He gets his blood transfusion, but also has to return to the Dr. later with a problem. 'My dick is still pink doc, I need your help.'. The Dr. let's him know that he can't do anything but refer him to the great wizard of Oz for his dilemma. The elephant responds with " well that's great, but I don't know how to get there." To which the Dr. replies, "Oh it's easy, just follow the yellow dicked toad."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is green, slimy, and smells like bacon?	Kermit the Frog's finger
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Most Delicious Meatball	A rich CEO decides to head over to Madrid, Spain for a vacation. Although he is very affluent, he decides to experience the culture by going to a local restaurant. Upon arriving, he says to the waiter, "I want the most expensive dish you have." Minutes later, the waiter arrives with what appears to be meatballs. Though not very exquisite, upon trying it, the CEO discovers the most delicious meal he had ever eaten. He calls the waiter and asks what it was. "Señor, son los cojones. It's the testicles of the loser of the bullfight. It is considered a specialty; the balls of the strongest bulls have the best taste." Although surprised, the CEO goes to the restaurant everyday to have the same meal. On the third day, the CEO comments, "Camarero, these seem to be much smaller and saltier then yesterday's." To which the waiter sadly replies, "Unfortunately, señor, the bull sometimes win."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	This morning on the way to work...	This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, while not really paying attention. The driver got out and he turned out to be a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One day, on an Irish farm....	One day, on an Irish farm, a horse was watching MTV through the farmer's window. He watched a music video made by "The Beatles" and was amazed. "I could play guitar like that" said the Horse to himself and spent a year learning how to play guitar. Satisfied by what he achieved, he showed his work to the chicken."That's amazing!" said the chicken, "I bet I could put some vocals on that if I practiced!". The chicken then took a year of its life to learn how to sing while the Horse played.They then decided to show the pig. "Thats so cool!" said the pig, "but it's missing something... I know! Drums!" The pig then decided to take a year out of his life to learn how to play the drums with the other two.The three then proceeded to show the Sheep, who was amazed by this. She also decided to learn how to play the bass guitar with the rest of the animals. In this time they formed a band, and decided to tour the farm for 4 years, playing for a little extra money on the side, before the Horse got a call from a music agency. They finally got their big break to play at a famous music festival in America. The horse decided to make sure everything was going as planned, and flew over to America to set up stage and confirm their hotel reservations, playing time etc. After his hard few days, he sat in his Hotel room watching the news. On the news their was a report that an airplane had crashed into the Atlantic ocean. There were no survivors from the wreck. He suddenly realised that it was the plane that the Chicken, the Sheep and the Pig were on. Realising that he spent most of his horse life doing something that just went up in flames, he decided he needed a VERY stiff drink. He went down to the hotel bar, asking the bar man for the strongest drink he had. A few minutes later the barman came back and placed the drink on the countertop. He then proceeded to dry a glass, asking the horse a question "So, why the long face?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happened to the fly on the toilet?	He got pissed off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a potato shaped like a penis?	A dicktater
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.	A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight. The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!" The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "Nobody runs in your family."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...	A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!" The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please. The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD." The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push! The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door. The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy. "Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk." "All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this." Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?" The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was trying to make a joke about leprechauns...	...but I came up short.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the devil get arrested for?	Possession!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.	(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.) A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks." The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" „Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.“ They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?" „She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20.“ The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty.“ They get there, the sow says „Oink!“ and boss waits for our guy‘s answer. „Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.“ TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let’s go sign the papers.“ They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!“ Boss says „Don’t listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.“
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.	Wife: “Windows frozen.” Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.” Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did one ocean say to the other ocean?	Nothing, they just waved.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	New Bull	Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Most of my family has diarrhea	it runs in our jeans
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a bull and a cow?	A bull smiles when you milk it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why Can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?	Because the P is Silent!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund	To get a long little doggy
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Be careful people,there are a lot of scams on the internet	For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffett have in common?	They both had Kurds in their way!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)	So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island. After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them. With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a ménage à trois -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch. This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies. Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end. The first week after her passing is terrible. The second week is excruciating. The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal. The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her. (Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize?	Because he was out standing in his field.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar and says to the barman ...	"Give me a shot of vintage 20 year single malt whiskey" The bartender thinks "This fool doesn't know what he is talking about, Ill give him the well whiskey" On taking a sip, the man spits it out and says "that is disgusting - I said the 20 year whiskey!" The bartender decides to test him and gives him a glass Of 10 year old whiskey. The man takes a sip and spits it out saying "that was better but it's still not 20 year whiskey!" Impressed, the bartender takes down the top shelf whiskey and serves it. The man takes a sip and says "LOVELY - just what I wanted!" Watching all this from the end of the bar is a drunk who staggers over with a glass. He says to the man "that was very impressive. Tell me what you think of this?" The man takes a sip and vomits it to the floor and screamed "that is awful, what was it?" The drunk says "I just pissed in that glass. How old am I ?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I got a paper cut writing my suicide note...	its a start
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Wanna go ride bikes?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my beer how i like my violence	Domestic
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the book get stitches?	Because he had his appendix removed. note: books can also be female.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My grandfather told me this joke.	A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: "so far so good"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?	Yeah, apparently a baby boy was born without eyelids just last week! Obviously that was a problem and the child's sight wouldn't last long unless the doctors acted quick, so they decided to take a skin graft from the boy and use it to protect his eyes. The most logical solution for the quick thinking doctor was to use the child's foreskin, since he would probably be circumcised anyways. Those are about all the details I know from the story, but I guess the baby is doing ok. The doctor said he would be fine, and should keep his eyesight, he just might end up a little cock-eyed.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Drinking Bud Light is like having sex in a canoe...	Its fucking close to water.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Roadtrip!	Nurse Betty works at an insane asylum. She walked into johns room and saw him with his hands up like he's driving a car. Nurse Betty: "John what are you doing?" John:"I'm driving to Chicago. Vroom! vroom!" "ok John. Have a nice ride" Nurse Betty returns to johns room a few hours later to see him still driving his "car". "how's the drive going John?" "Beep! Beep! I'm just pulling into Chicago right now." "that's nice John. Have fun" Nurse Betty then goes next door to tommy's room. She gasped as she saw Tommy with his pants down and him beating off. "Tommy! What are you doing!?!" "I'm fucking john's wife while he's in Chicago"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A young woman is sitting at a bar...	...and is distressed as an unruly drunk sits down next to her. "Say honey, I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks anyway, but I've already got an asshole in there."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..	I came out with a Bronze..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What doctors really thinking?	- This should be taken care of right away.” I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. - “Welllllll, what have we here…?” He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue. - “Let me check your medical history.” I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. - “We have some good news and some bad news.” The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it. - “Let me schedule you for some tests.” I have a forty percent interest in the lab. - “I’d like to have my associate look at you.” He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. - “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. - “This may hurt a little.” Last week two patients bit off their tongues. - “This should fix you up.” The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. - “I’d like to run some more tests.” I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. - “There is a lot of that going around.” My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the legless man who got his wheelchair taken away?	He was floored.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.	She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my bum with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was Crassus bad at insults?	He never really got the hang of Parthian shots.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A small church became infested with rabbits...	A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears. Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wanna make a toast to blind hookers	you really gotta hand it to them.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just burned 12000 calories	I left the pizza in the oven
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sex After Death	A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .... Marion" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!” "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head...	The landlord says to the rest of the customers: "Don't talk to him! He's a cycle path!" Ba Dum Tss!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	WalMart's own brand of wine	WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.' Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?	Decepticondoms.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How can you get four suits for under $2.00?	Buy a deck of cards.

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How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But I don't know how they got in there.

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How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Apparently she will screw anything.

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The Entertainment

A charitable man decided to visit a sick ward at a hospital to cheer up the patients. He took along a keyboard and played humorous songs and told jokes at many a bedside. After finishing his final performance for an old man he said, "I hope you get better." The old man smiled vaguely at the performer and replied, "I hope you do too."

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This is a classic Deaf joke.

Three men are on a train: One Cuban, one Russian and one Deaf man. The Cuban is smoking a huge cigar, but half way through it throws it out the window. The Russian and the Deaf man exclaim about him wasting the beautiful cigar, but he just shrugs and says, "Eh, we have *plenty* of cigars back home." The the Russian take out a handle of vodka and begins slugging it back, but with half of it finished, turns and tosses it out the window. 'Why woulf you waste such good vodka!" the Deaf man and the Cuban exclaim. "Psh, we have *plenty* of vodka back home." Then the Deaf man says, "Okay, one minute," and walks off. The Russian and the Cuban look at each other in confusion and shrug, waiting for the Deaf man to return. He does, but he's dragging a man with him. Struggling, he finally tosses the man out the window. The other two yell, "Why would you do that?!! You just killed him!" The Deaf man shrugs and says, "Oh, we have *plenty* of hearing people back home.

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First Time

A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!" Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him. True story...LOL!

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What did the Leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.

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Why do melons have traditional marriages?

Because they cantaloupe

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Bubba n' Buford II

One day Bubba n' Buford were drivin' down the Farm to Market road in their pickup drinkin' Lone Star longnecks n' chillin' out to Bob Wills "San Antonio Rose" n' low n' behold, they come over a hilltop and there's a DPS roadblock a stoppin' folks. Thinkin' quick, Bubba pulls over to the side a the road n' Buford says "What we gonna do, you get another DUI n' they gonna throw away the key n' I'm still on probation for that thing with the duck at the theater!" Suddenly Bubba gets a big smile n' says, "Here I got a idy...". Meanwhile the DPS knows these two good 'ol boys and watches carefully as they pull back onto the road n' ease up to the roadblock. As he looks in the drivers window there's Bubba n' Buford smilin' ear to ear with beer labels stuck to thier foreheads. With a serious look on his face he asks the obvious question, "You boys been drinkin'?" With a big innocent smile on his face Bubba says, "No sir. We're on the patch!"

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If you're a necrophiliac...

is it called wallpapering the coffin?

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Bubba n' Buford

Bubba n' Buford were sittin' on their porch one afternoon drinkin' beer n' bein' entertained by the bug zapper when this semi haulin' sod comes over the hill n' passes in front of their trailer. Bubba declares, "When we get rich I'm gonna do that!". Buford, asks "Do what?". Bubba looks at Buford like he's a idiot n' says, "Well duh, send our grass out to get it cut like them folks!".

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A balding, white haired man from Bellville, in Cape Town

walked into a jewellery store in Tygervalley this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger blond at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $240,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

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What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again 1% Go Smoking 1% Fall Asleep 97% Clear History EDIT: Punctuation

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How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. She just holds it in place, while the world revolves around her. * Beverly Hills ninja edit... rotates to revolves

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"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver.

"Is it his shield?" I asked.

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Two Italians are on a bus (x-post /r/askreddit)

...in America, I heard one of them say to the other, "Emma comes first, then I come, two asses come together, then I come again. Two asses come together one more time, then I, pee twice, then I come again." So I look at him and tell him we don't discuss our sex life in public, he told me, "I'm not talking abouta sex, I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."

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Gatorades competition. [OC]

Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes. Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...

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What do you call a Mexican crossed with an octopus?

I don't know, but it sure can pick lettuce.

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Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?

Because he was Snowden

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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma is the pause at the end of a clause.

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What I tell people is the great Canadian joke

Bob and Doug lived in the northern wilds of Canada. Winter was approaching so they went out to chop wood to keep them warm during the cold months. After working all day they had gathered a respectable amount of firewood and were feeling pretty exhausted. Bob turns to Doug and says "Well, what do you think? Do we have enough? What if we have a really cold winter?" They discussed this for a while and finally decided to ask old Indian Joe what he thought. So Bob climbed to the top of the hill, found Indian Joe and asked him "Joe, is it going to be a cold winter?" Joe looked over the vast forest and nodded, "Yes, cold winter". So Bob went back down and told Doug what Joe had said. They worked the night through, chopping down more trees, until morning when they had a huge amount of firewood. Again, exhausted, they discussed whether that would be enough. Bob climbed to the top of the hill and asked Joe again, "Joe, is it going to be a very cold winter?" Joe looked over the vast forest and nodded, "Yes, very cold winter" So Bob made his way back down to Doug and told him what Joe had said. They worked the rest of the day through, until they had a mountain of firewood. Close to collapse, they decided to ask Joe if it was going to be a very, very, very cold winter. Both of them climbed to the top of the hill and Bob asked Joe, "Joe, is it going to be a very, very, very cold winter?" Joe looked out over the vast forest and said "Yes, very, very, very cold winter" Doug, who couldn't take any more said "Listen Joe, I know you are a native Indian and you people know this stuff, but how do you know it is going to be such a cold winter?" Joe looked at them and said "White man cut many trees".

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Why did Jose push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila...

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Sven walks into a bar...

... and sees his friend Bjorn sitting alone at a table. He orders a vodka, and sits down opposite him. Bjorn looks up and nods. Sven nods back. They sit like this, not speaking, for hours, waving to the barman when more vodka is required. Eventually Sven says, "Snow again." Bjorn replies, "Look, if you're going to chat all night, then I'm going to have to find another bar."

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Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

So he could get a long little doggy!

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I wish Benedict Cumberbatch played Q in 007

Then I could call him Benedict "Q" Cumberbatch.

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What do you call a bunch of Mexican Stoners?

Baked Beans.

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How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

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Two hipsters walk into a bar.

The first did it before it was cool. The second did it ironically.

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Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl. The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".

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2 men walk into a corner shop,

one of them dressed like a clown the other in a plain ski mask. They go to the counter and say "Empty the till, no one needs to get hurt!" The clerk complies with all comands given to him. Just as they're about to leave the clown drops his trousers and takes a shit on the middle of the floor. He then proceeds to wank all over the counter, get his bollocks out and run up and down shouting "Julia Gillard's a fucking cunt!" The robber in the ski mask looks astounded. After they've both left he asks the man in the clown outfit "What the fuck was that back there?!" the clown replies "I'd like to see those fuckers on Crime Investigation re-enact that".

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What do Mexicans use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesars. ...I'll see myself out.

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What did the necrophiliac have when his grandmother died?

Mourning wood

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Visitors

Two children are lying in their beds when one says to the other: "I think mom and dad have visitors over." The other one asks: "Why do you think that?" The first one replies: "Mom's laughing at dad's jokes."

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Clock Shop

So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."

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The guys get lost in the woods....

... and get captured by Native Americans. They tell the three guys that if they want to live they have to go out into the woods and collect ten fruits. They go their separate ways and start looking for any type of fruit they can find. First guy comes back with ten apples. The native americans tell him that he must stick all ten apples up his ass or they'll kill him. He gets up to 4 apples in his ass, struggles with the fifth one and gets killed. Second guy comes back with ten grapes. He gets the 9th one in then starts to laugh. He gets killed for laughing. So up in heaven, the first guy asks the second guy, "Why'd you laugh? You almost had it!" Second guy responds, "Couldn't help it, the other guy came back with pineapples."

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Yo daddy jokes?

Recently heard a yo mama joke and wondered if there is such a thing as yo daddy jokes. If they do exist, I'd like to read some!

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Ole and Sven

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "why sure," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "where ya from?" "Norway," replies the second man. The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway." Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?" "Bergen," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old Bergen." Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "So, where did you live?" "On a boat, at the fishin' docks," replies the second man. "Dis is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I lived on a boat at the fishin' docks, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?," he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "Ole and his brother Sven are getting drunk again."

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedroom. They get to the bed, and not wanting to disappoint, he gives her his best. With each thrust, he notices her toes are curling. Proudly, he thinks, "I must really be getting her off!" They finish, and eventually go to sleep. In the morning, they decide to have another go in the shower. He's giving it to her even harder than he did the night before, but he can't seem to get the same toe-curling reaction. They both climax, and afterwards, while they're getting dressed, he asks her, "Last night, when we made love, you seemed more into it than you did this morning. Did I do something wrong?" "No," she said. "You were great! Why do you ask?" "Well, I noticed that last night your toes were curling, and this morning they weren't." "That's because I wasn't wearing my pantyhose this time."

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An Englishman, an American, a Frenchman and an Australian are drinking in a bar.

The Englishman starts bragging and says that last night i was having sex with my wife and when she came her hips raised 2inches off the bed. The American says that's nothing. Last night while going down on my wife she came so hard her hips raised 10inches off the bed. The Frenchman says ha, rubbish that's nothing. Last night while making love to my wife she raised her hips 12inches off the bed in ecstasy. The Australian says, well last night I fucked my wife got out of bed wiped my dick clean on the curtain and she hit the fucking roof.

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My one and only joke.

Two olives are sitting at a bar, one falls off and the other one says "Ahhh are you ok?" And the one that fell is like "Yeah, olive."

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto . . .

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out in the desert. The Lone Ranger asked Tonto for the time. Tonto takes off his loin cloth, sporting a proud erection. Tonto looks at the shadow of his erection and says "It's 3:15". The Lone Ranger checks his watch. Sure enough, it's 3:15. Some time later the Lone Ranger again asks Tonto for the time. Again Tonto takes off his loin cloth, checks the shadow, and says "5:20". Sure enough it's 5:20. Later that night, the Lone Ranger walks into Tonto's teepee and catches him stroking himself. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto, what he is doing! Tonto explains "me wind'em watch!".

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Different kinds of sex through marriage

When a couple gets married, they have the tradition of having sex in every room in the house. After some years they have only bedroom sex. When they get old, they have what is called hallway sex. Basically what happens is they pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck You"

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There's an overloaded Plane

With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there's no more. The pilot says, "I'm sorry but we're going to have to make some of you jump out." The Brit says, "I'll go first, for the Queen!" and jumps out. Then the Australian says, "I'll go, for Australia." and jumps out. Then the American says, "For America!" and throws the Mexican out.

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Orange Jews

100% Concentrated.

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What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

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A man escapes from a prison...

..where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

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Another Jack and Jill joke

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, pulled down his fly and asked Jill "Do ya wanna?" Jill said "Yes" Took off her dress and they had a little fun, But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack can bang Jill's fanny. Jack came down with quite a frown Because Jill's a fucking tranny.

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Do you know what 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

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Version of previous post.

One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his genitals. A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let you.''

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What do you call a cow...?

What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. What do you call a cow that's masturbating? Beef Strokin-Off

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I also heard a dick joke at church camp

One Sunday morning, there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again and she woke up and yelled "God!" "Very good. Now who can tell me what Abrahams wife said after they had their 11th child." The boy poked Sarah again. "If you poke me with that one more time, I'm going to snap it in half."

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Car broke down.

While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two naked men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats. Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."

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So a man walks into a bar...

He says to the bartender, "I bet you $100 that I can piss into that glass over there without missing a single drop." The bartender looks at the glass and sees it's a good 10 ft. away so he said, "Young man, you've got yourself a bet." So the man unzips his pants and lets loose. He's pissing everywhere. All over the bar, the tables, the bar stools, everywhere. The bartender is laughing with piss dripping down his face and he says, "Son, you just lost $100." The young man seems to not care and tells the bartender to wait a second while he walks over to the pool table where a few people are playing and talks to them for a while. He comes back, sets the money on the table. The bartender asks him why he seems so happy that he lost the bet. They man says, "You see those guys over there? I bet them $500 each that I could piss all over your bar, and not only would you not be mad, you'd be happy."

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Gong clock

A guy and his friend stumble into his apartment late at night. The friend wonders what time it is, but when he looks over at the night-table where a clock would be, he sees a large gong. "Dude, why do you have a gong instead of a clock?" The guy says "Oh, here", and takes a mallet and whacks the gong really hard. "DON'T YOU FUCKING IDIOTS KNOW ITS 3 AM?!"

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Learned in church camp when I was 10 or 11. The only joke I know.

So there was this yellow toad, he wants to be green like his buddies. He goes to the Dr. and gets a blood transfusion to turn himself green. A while later he returns to the Dr. "Hey doc, you did a good job. But I have one problem...my dick is still yellow". The Dr. tells the toad that he can't do anything, but can refer him to the wizard of Oz who should be able to help. So the toad goes on his way. While this is going on there is a pink elephant who is having the same problem and just wants to be gray like all the other elephants. He gets his blood transfusion, but also has to return to the Dr. later with a problem. 'My dick is still pink doc, I need your help.'. The Dr. let's him know that he can't do anything but refer him to the great wizard of Oz for his dilemma. The elephant responds with " well that's great, but I don't know how to get there." To which the Dr. replies, "Oh it's easy, just follow the yellow dicked toad."

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What is green, slimy, and smells like bacon?

Kermit the Frog's finger

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Most Delicious Meatball

A rich CEO decides to head over to Madrid, Spain for a vacation. Although he is very affluent, he decides to experience the culture by going to a local restaurant. Upon arriving, he says to the waiter, "I want the most expensive dish you have." Minutes later, the waiter arrives with what appears to be meatballs. Though not very exquisite, upon trying it, the CEO discovers the most delicious meal he had ever eaten. He calls the waiter and asks what it was. "Señor, son los cojones. It's the testicles of the loser of the bullfight. It is considered a specialty; the balls of the strongest bulls have the best taste." Although surprised, the CEO goes to the restaurant everyday to have the same meal. On the third day, the CEO comments, "Camarero, these seem to be much smaller and saltier then yesterday's." To which the waiter sadly replies, "Unfortunately, señor, the bull sometimes win."

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This morning on the way to work...

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, while not really paying attention. The driver got out and he turned out to be a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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One day, on an Irish farm....

One day, on an Irish farm, a horse was watching MTV through the farmer's window. He watched a music video made by "The Beatles" and was amazed. "I could play guitar like that" said the Horse to himself and spent a year learning how to play guitar. Satisfied by what he achieved, he showed his work to the chicken."That's amazing!" said the chicken, "I bet I could put some vocals on that if I practiced!". The chicken then took a year of its life to learn how to sing while the Horse played.They then decided to show the pig. "Thats so cool!" said the pig, "but it's missing something... I know! Drums!" The pig then decided to take a year out of his life to learn how to play the drums with the other two.The three then proceeded to show the Sheep, who was amazed by this. She also decided to learn how to play the bass guitar with the rest of the animals. In this time they formed a band, and decided to tour the farm for 4 years, playing for a little extra money on the side, before the Horse got a call from a music agency. They finally got their big break to play at a famous music festival in America. The horse decided to make sure everything was going as planned, and flew over to America to set up stage and confirm their hotel reservations, playing time etc. After his hard few days, he sat in his Hotel room watching the news. On the news their was a report that an airplane had crashed into the Atlantic ocean. There were no survivors from the wreck. He suddenly realised that it was the plane that the Chicken, the Sheep and the Pig were on. Realising that he spent most of his horse life doing something that just went up in flames, he decided he needed a VERY stiff drink. He went down to the hotel bar, asking the bar man for the strongest drink he had. A few minutes later the barman came back and placed the drink on the countertop. He then proceeded to dry a glass, asking the horse a question "So, why the long face?"

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What happened to the fly on the toilet?

He got pissed off.

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What do you call a potato shaped like a penis?

A dicktater

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An objective analysis of the correlation between genetics and obesity.

A doctor is telling an obese woman that she needs to start losing weight. The woman, offended, replies defensively, "It's not my fault! Obesity runs in my family!" The doctor looks her up and down, and finally says, "*Nobody* runs in your family."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night...

A drunk guy knocks on a door at night and the homeowner is furious and screams: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, IT'S 3 IN THE MORNING!!" The drunk says: Would you please help me push? Help me push, please. The homeowner yells at the drunk: "NO! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND IT'S IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD." The drunk guy now begs: come on man, I really need a push! The homeowner yells: "GET LOST!!" and slams the door. The homeowner now returns to bed but his wife tells him not to be so rude and to go help the poor guy. "Why?", The homeowner replies, "He's obviously drunk." "All the more reason to help him then," says the homeowners' wife. " You used to be such a nice guy, I don't know you like this." Reluctantly the homeowner goes back outside and says: "OK, OK, I'm here to help you push. Where are you?" The drunk replies: "I'm here in the garden, on the swing"

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I was trying to make a joke about leprechauns...

...but I came up short.

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What did the devil get arrested for?

Possession!

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Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.) A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks." The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?" „Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.“ They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?" „She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20.“ The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty.“ They get there, the sow says „Oink!“ and boss waits for our guy‘s answer. „Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.“ TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let’s go sign the papers.“ They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!“ Boss says „Don’t listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.“

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The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: “Windows frozen.” Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.” Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

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What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

New Bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

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Most of my family has diarrhea

it runs in our jeans

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What's the difference between a bull and a cow?

A bull smiles when you milk it.

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Why Can't you hear a Pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is Silent!

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Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund

To get a long little doggy

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Be careful people,there are a lot of scams on the internet

For £19.99 I can show you how to avoid them

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What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffett have in common?

They both had Kurds in their way!

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One I remember from high-school (kids, stay away)

So, there are these two guys and a woman who get stranded on an island. After a couple of months of trying to escape and learning to survive, they decide to tough it out on the island until someone comes by and rescues them. With the obvious urges exceedingly present and with their lack of options, they decide to enter into a ménage à trois -- the deal being that the woman will spend one week with one of the men, and then switch. This goes on for a couple of years, and no one comes to the rescue. They live and prosper on the island until one day, the woman suddenly dies. Her two lovers, obviously upset at her death, continue to live on the island, still hoping for escape, but with their hope at lengths' end. The first week after her passing is terrible. The second week is excruciating. The third week, one of them breaks down in tears and refuses to speak to the other -- since it's so abysmal. The fourth week, they have no choice but to bury her. (Sorry in advance if this is a bit grisly)

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Why did the cow win a Nobel Prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman ...

"Give me a shot of vintage 20 year single malt whiskey" The bartender thinks "This fool doesn't know what he is talking about, Ill give him the well whiskey" On taking a sip, the man spits it out and says "that is disgusting - I said the 20 year whiskey!" The bartender decides to test him and gives him a glass Of 10 year old whiskey. The man takes a sip and spits it out saying "that was better but it's still not 20 year whiskey!" Impressed, the bartender takes down the top shelf whiskey and serves it. The man takes a sip and says "LOVELY - just what I wanted!" Watching all this from the end of the bar is a drunk who staggers over with a glass. He says to the man "that was very impressive. Tell me what you think of this?" The man takes a sip and vomits it to the floor and screamed "that is awful, what was it?" The drunk says "I just pissed in that glass. How old am I ?"

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I got a paper cut writing my suicide note...

its a start

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How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

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I like my beer how i like my violence

Domestic

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Why did the book get stitches?

Because he had his appendix removed. note: books can also be female.

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My grandfather told me this joke.

A man jumps off a skyscraper. Halfway down, he says: "so far so good"

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Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?

Yeah, apparently a baby boy was born without eyelids just last week! Obviously that was a problem and the child's sight wouldn't last long unless the doctors acted quick, so they decided to take a skin graft from the boy and use it to protect his eyes. The most logical solution for the quick thinking doctor was to use the child's foreskin, since he would probably be circumcised anyways. Those are about all the details I know from the story, but I guess the baby is doing ok. The doctor said he would be fine, and should keep his eyesight, he just might end up a little cock-eyed.

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Drinking Bud Light is like having sex in a canoe...

Its fucking close to water.

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Roadtrip!

Nurse Betty works at an insane asylum. She walked into johns room and saw him with his hands up like he's driving a car. Nurse Betty: "John what are you doing?" John:"I'm driving to Chicago. Vroom! vroom!" "ok John. Have a nice ride" Nurse Betty returns to johns room a few hours later to see him still driving his "car". "how's the drive going John?" "Beep! Beep! I'm just pulling into Chicago right now." "that's nice John. Have fun" Nurse Betty then goes next door to tommy's room. She gasped as she saw Tommy with his pants down and him beating off. "Tommy! What are you doing!?!" "I'm fucking john's wife while he's in Chicago"

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A young woman is sitting at a bar...

...and is distressed as an unruly drunk sits down next to her. "Say honey, I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours." "Thanks anyway, but I've already got an asshole in there."

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Last week I competed in the World Tanning Championships..

I came out with a Bronze..

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What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.” I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself. - “Welllllll, what have we here…?” He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue. - “Let me check your medical history.” I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you. - “We have some good news and some bad news.” The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it. - “Let me schedule you for some tests.” I have a forty percent interest in the lab. - “I’d like to have my associate look at you.” He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. - “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.” I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig. - “This may hurt a little.” Last week two patients bit off their tongues. - “This should fix you up.” The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. - “I’d like to run some more tests.” I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one. - “There is a lot of that going around.” My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

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Did you hear about the legless man who got his wheelchair taken away?

He was floored.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notice a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your girlfriend whipped my bum with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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Why was Crassus bad at insults?

He never really got the hang of Parthian shots.

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A small church became infested with rabbits...

A small church became infested with rabbits. Pest control professionals were called as soon as the problem was discovered, but nothing could stop the rabbits from overtaking first the basement, then the grounds, then the kitchen and offices, and finally the meeting hall. Realizing that nothing could be done, the leaders and the congregation tried to go on as usual, but the smell of rabbit droppings was overpowering even after thorough cleanings. Worse, inevitably a rabbit would be accidentally harmed or killed during the service, which would always lead to many children bursting into tears. Finally, a solution was discovered. Sprinkling holy water throughout the building, they baptized the rabbits in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Now they only see the rabbits on Christmas and Easter.

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I wanna make a toast to blind hookers

you really gotta hand it to them.

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I just burned 12000 calories

I left the pizza in the oven

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .... Marion" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!” "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”

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A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head...

The landlord says to the rest of the customers: "Don't talk to him! He's a **cycle path**!" Ba Dum Tss!

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WalMart's own brand of wine

WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.' Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.

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How does Megatron get away with raw-dogging it?

Decepticondoms.

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How can you get four suits for under $2.00?

Buy a deck of cards.