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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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And you thought you were having a bad day . . .
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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink the poison."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why doesn't Spiderman like rice?
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It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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"What is your greatest strength"?
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Brevity.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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When Beethoven passed away...
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he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Everybody is a little weird, except you and I...
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...and I'm not so sure about you.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Headache
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A guy asked his wife how she slept and she said 'not well, I was up in the night with a headache'. 'Funny', he said, 'I don't remember waking up and asking you for sex'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Zebra in Heaven
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A Zebra dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter tells him he can ask one question before entering. "I have always wanted to know if i am white with black stripes or black with white stripes?" "Only God knows this" he replied "You should ask him, down the hall last door on the left." So the Zebra trots off to see God. "What is your question my child" God ask the zebra. "Am i white with black stripes or black with white stripes" God looks him up and down and says. "You are what you are, Goodbye" The Zebra returns to Saint Peter with a look af bewilderment on his face. "So what did he say" Saint Peter asked. "He just said that i am what i am." "Ahh, so you are white with black stripes." "How do you know that?" queried the Zebra. "Well if you were black with white stripes he would have said you is what you is!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I've been told I'm not ambitious enough...
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If only there was an Olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
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... to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does a nosey pepper do?
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Gets jalapeño buisness. ... I'll let my self out.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My Favorite Stalin Joke
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Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The only joke I've ever heard from my mother
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my mother just returned from Minnesota and relayed in horror that my uncle told this joke to a nurse at my grandmothers deathbed (thus telling me the joke) Olley's on his deathbed and tells his wife to come closer. "Marry Sven" he gasps. "But honey I thought you hated, Sven?" "I do."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.
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The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?" And God said "A minute." Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?" And God said: "A penny" Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?" And God said: "Sure.....In a minute." [Sauce](http://www.angelfire.com/al/AttardBezzinaLawrenc/jewish.html)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Be alert
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The world needs more lerts.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A mother and a father are standing over their newborn baby.
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The father looks to the mother and says. "He's quite big down there, Isn't he?" The wife shrugs and says "Yeah. At least he inherited your eyes."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do Nazi pilots eat for breakfast?
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Luftwaffles
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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/u/Anal_Explorer on utilizing your large penis in the dating game.
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>I prefer to keep it as a surprise, like flashing a stack of 100 dollar bills in my wallet. One minute we're talking about her jet ski vacation she got that awesome tan on, then BAM! Dick on the table. Before she can react, zipper it back up and pretend like nothing happened. >Repeat 3 times before the date's over, and you can drown a toddler in those panties. [Link to post.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1g5jr5/guys_what_do_you_hate_about_having_a_dick/cah0yyv)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How to make the world a better place.
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How do you raise the literacy rate while simultaneously lowering the poverty ratio of a town near you? All you have to do is drive as fast as possible through the Walmart parking lot.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...
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...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back. "What the hell was that for?" he asks. "For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife for a moment, then shakes his head and slowly climbing back into his chair to resume his rocking. A few minutes later, the old man's arm suddenly shoots out, smacking the old lady so hard she tumbles out of the chair and all the way down the porch steps. "And just what the hell what was THAT for?" she demands. "For knowing the difference."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A young man was sent to prison,
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Upon his arrival an older man welcomed him to make sure he was comfortable. The older man asked "Do you like baseball?" the young man replied "of course, I loved playing it as a kid" the older man said "we'll that's great we play baseball all day Monday". The older man asked "Do you like movies?" The young man replied, "yes, I love watching a good movie" the older man replied "that's great, Tuesday is movie night." Next the old man asked "Do you like Italian food?" The young man replied "yes, that's actually my favorite". The old man replied "Wonderful, on Wednesdays its Italian food night in the cafeteria". Lastly the old man ask "Son, are you a homosexual?" The young man replied "No sir, I have a wife on the outside. The older man replied "Well young man, you're not going to enjoy Thursday nights."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where do hippos go to school?
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The Hippocampus!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Girl you are like a fine oriental rug...
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...you'd look great on hardwood.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Apparently the most common surname In China is Chang.
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...correct me if you think that's Wong.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you suffocate a redneck?
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Tape his mouth shut.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Potatoes from Chernobyl
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An old woman is shouting at a Ukrainian farmers' market: "Potatoes from Chernobyl! Potatoes from Chernobyl!" A passer-by asks her, "Why are you telling everybody that your potatoes are from Chernobyl? No one will buy them from you." "They do, my dear, they do. For mothers-in-law, for neighbors..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So there's this blonde...
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and she's sick and tired of being stereotyped as the dumb blonde, so she decides to dye her hair and move to another city. After she died her hair brown, she packs up her things and leaves for the new city. Driving down a barren country road on the way there, she starts to get really hungry. With no restaurants in sight, she pulls in to the only home as far as the eye can see, a sheep farm. Thinking a sheep would make a tasty meal, she walks up to the house where the farmer is sitting on the front porch and asks him if she can guess how many sheep there are if she can have one. The farmer agrees. The woman has a knack for counting and adds up all the sheep really quickly and says "72". The farmer says "whelp, that's right, go grab your sheep and leave." The woman picks up her choice and starts walking back to her car, but before she gets in the farmer shouts after her "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Cans
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I work in a can recycling factory. My job is to crush cans. I don't enjoy it. It's soda pressing.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I Used To Date A Girl With A Lazy Eye...
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Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Origami
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The World Origami Championships is today. Let's see how it unfolds.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My ex-girlfriend made a really great cake the other day
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Getting her legs to fit in the oven was a real hassle, though.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the Chicken Cross the Basketball Court?
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He Heard the Ref was Blowing Fouls
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy walks into his wife's room...
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....with a sheep under his arm. He says, "this is the pig I fuck when you're not around."
To which his wife replies, "You stupid asshole, that's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "Shut up. I wasn't talking to you."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Stepdad calling babestation.
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"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?" "Michael. My name's Michael." "Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael." "Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...
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The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession. Then a little later, one came back and was crying "Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior "I picked flowers in the garden." "Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water." The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying "Why? What did you do?" "I stole a candy from a kid" "Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water." She also did as told... Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter "Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly "I peed in the holy water!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I like my women like I like my chocolate
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with nuts
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the leper say to the prostitute?
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I left the tip on the night stand.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So Helen Keller walks into a bar . . .
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. . . then she walks into a table, she knocks over a lamp, barks her shins on the ottoman, spills a drink . . . it's fine I'll show myself out.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...
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and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Baby's First Doctor Visit
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed", she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist", the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Pick-up line guaranteed to work every time!
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Does this smell like chloroform to you??
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
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I take my shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man wakes up with a red dot on his forehead.
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A man wakes up to discover he has a red dot on his forehead. Unphased at first, he simply tries to scrub it off in the shower. After he finishes his morning routine he looks in the mirror and sees that not only is it still there, but it has even gotten bigger. The man calls out of work and decides he needs to see a doctor. At the doctor's office, the doctor orders a catscan of the man's head. As he awaits his results, the man cannot help but repeatedly look in the mirror and notice that the dot is slowly getting bigger and is even starting to protrude out of his forehead and is now looking like a horn. Finally, the results are in. The doctor says, "Well, I've figured out what it is. It turns out you have a penis starting to grow out of your head." The man is shocked. "A penis? An extra penis? Are you kidding me? Can't you surgically remove it?" He asks. "I'm afraid not." replied the doctor. "It turns out it's actually coming out of your brain and if we cut it out, you'll die." Angry and confused the man says, "You mean to tell me, I'm gonna wake up every day for the rest of my life and see a penis coming out of my forehead!?" "No no no," reassures the doctor. "Your balls will be in the way."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why is Chuck Norris still alive?
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## Because he's afraid of meeting Bruce Lee on the other side! Credit: Saw the comment in this [tribute video](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8wL3AA4BP0) [1:55]
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
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Anybody can roast beef...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Fifty clowns got fired from the circus.
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Luckily, it freed up three parking spots.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man walks into a party...
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He sees a group of people lined up at a table. He approaches a man at the end of the line, and asks, "excuse me sir, what's this line all about?" The man replies, "Well, this is the punch line."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?
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He drank his coffee before it was cool *badum pssssh*
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Bloke walks into a pub....
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Bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink. While he's taking the first sip, he hears a voice go: "Psst! Nice coat." He turns around to thank this kind soul for the nice comment, but there isn't a soul in sight apart from himself and the man behind the counter; So, the man turns back to his drink and continues to sip. A little further in.... there's the voice again! This time, it goes: "Nice shoes, friend." The man's sure he's heard it right, so he turns to the bartender and asks him: "Did you say something?" The bartender shrugs, and the man (more than a bit suspicious) turns back to his drink. And yet again: "That's a really nice wristwatch!" the voice says. Now, the man's had it. He sets his drink down on the counter and turns to the bartender. "Is it that I'm hearing voices, or are you playing tricks on me? --You can say nice things about me without having to be so secretive about it, you know?" The bartender, looking at him in between polishing glasses, off-handedly says: "The peanuts." "What?" asks the man. "The peanuts what?" And the bartender points down to the dish of peanuts sat by the man and explains: "They're complimentary."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why bachelors are skinner than married men
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A bachelor goes into the kitchen, opens the fridge, sighs, goes to bed. A married man goes into the bedroom, lifts the blanket, sighs, goes to the fridge.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So three old ladies are sitting on a park bench....
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When all of the sudden a flasher comes by and, before they can reach for their canes, opens his trench coat and flashes them. The first old lady has a stroke, the second old lady has a stroke, but the third old lady couldn't reach that far.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What has 50 legs but can't walk?
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Half a centipede.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Getting punch at a party.
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A drunk stumbles into a party and gets in line to grab a drink from the punchbowl. Upon reaching the terminus, he spills the entire bowl all over the table and those closest to him in line. A bouncer seizes him by the scuff of the neck and angrily declares: "Look what you've done! You've screwed up the punchline!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do gay horses eat?
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*HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY*
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A costume party
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A man is having a party and he tells all his guests to dress up as emotions. The night of the party there is a knock at the door. The man opens the door and sees a lady dressed in blue. The lady says "I am blue because I am sad" and she walks in. The next guest that arrives is dressed all red. The guy in red says "I am so angry I have turned red" and he walks in. The third guest arrives in green attire and he states "I am green with envy" as he walks in. The doorbell rings shortly after all the guests have arrived. The host opens the door to see a big black guy with a raging boner and a tire hanging off his dick. "What are you supposed to be?" The host asks in confusion. The black guy responds "I am fucking despair"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a Mexican without a car?
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Carlos
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why couldn't the bike stand by itself?
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because it was two tired
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The new salesman.
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A man gets a job as a salesman at a brand new superstore. At the end of his first day, his supervisor comes up to him and asks how many sales he made. "Just one," the man replied. Somewhat annoyed at this, the supervisor asks how much the sale was for. "$68,721.42" is the answer. Immediately taken back, he asks the salesman to explain this spectacular number. "Well, a guy came in here and after a lot of convincing, I sold him a new truck, boat and trailer, a half dozen fishing rods, and almost 100 lures." "There's no way he planned to spend over $68,000 in one trip," the supervisor tells the salesman. "Of course not," the new employee replies. "He came in to buy tampons for his wife and I told him 'Aww, man, your weekend is shot. You should go fishing.'"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy in the morning...
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And some times I just let her sleep in.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
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They're making headlines.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Wife mowing the lawn
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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied: "I am. That’s why she cuts the grass."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An old Irishman walks into a bar.
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Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinness and leaves. This goes on for several months. One day the Irishman orders two Guinness. The bartender has learned a little about the old man and his sons and feels he has come to respect the old man and is concerned. "I don't mean to intrude or get personal," says the bartender, "but I couldn't help but notice you only ordered two Guinness today. Are both your sons okay?" The old man looks to the bartender with a smile and says,"That's mighty kind of ya lad. My sons are fine. I just quit drinking."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a prostitute with her hands down her skirt?
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Self employed
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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You put the punch line in the title
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How do you ruin a good joke on Reddit?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A daughter discusses her missed periods with her mother. . .
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A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll fuck her again."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Heard this one seems kind of old.
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Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I was told this joke by an old lady back when I was 12.
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Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died. "I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying naked in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the bathroom, in the closet, under the bed... nothing. But then I looked out the window and saw a man hanging from the fire escape below me in his boxers. In a fit of rage I picked up the refrigerator beside me and threw it at him. Unfortunately, this gave me a heart attack and I died." Saint Peter gives his condolences and lets the first man into Heaven. The second man walks up. "So I was doing pull ups on my fire escape this when all of a sudden this refrigerator comes out of nowhere and flattens me!" Saint Peter again expresses his condolences at the dramatic irony and lets the second man in. The third then walks up. "So I was sitting naked in a refrigerator..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three pieces of string enter a bar...
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The first string approaches the counter and says, "Beer, please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here, get out." The second string goes up to the bartender and says, "Bloody Mary, please." The bartender says, "Didn't you hear what I told your friend? We don't serve strings here. Get out." Seeing this, the third string goes into the bathroom, unravels his ends, and ties himself in a bow. Then he goes out to the bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a martini, please, straight up, with a twist." The bartender looks at him suspiciously. "Are you a string?" The string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?
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Because she got an F in sex.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community...
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...Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and said loudly: "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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About a Russian fisherman
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A Russian fisherman named Boris goes fishing one day. He catches a goldfish, which says "Don't eat me! If you let me go, I'll grant you one wish." Boris replies "Alright, I want to piss Vodka" The goldfish grants his wish, and Boris lets it go. When he comes home, his wife Natasha asks how the fishing went, but he hurriedly left for the bathroom. He took a glass from the kitchen first. When he took a piss in the glass, he was amazed that his wish came true. He smelled it, and it smelled like vodka. He looked at it, and it looked like vodka. He tasted it, and it tasted like the best vodka in the world. He ran downstairs and yelled "Natasha, taste this!" She replied "It's amazing! Where did you get it?" To what he replied "Ah, that's a secret!" So this continues for a few weeks, when Boris comes to bed with only 1 glass of Vodka. Natasha asked him "Why do you only have 1 glass, when there are 2 of us?" And so Boris smiled and said "Natasha... Tonight you drink straight from the bottle."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?
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Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...
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So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Australian man decides to visit New York City...
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An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks "What's the matter?! Did you come here to die?" The Australian man simply replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Calling in sick...
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A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go. The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the rest of the week selling record amounts of computers and TVs and other goods. The following Monday, the boss got a call - it was the new employee calling in. "Sorry boss - I'm really sick!" The boss was getting more annoyed with him. Tuesday the young guy was in and selling even more than last week. He finished up the week making a new record for sales for his state. Next Monday the new guy called in sick again and the boss decided it was time for a chat with him. So on Tuesday the guy rocks up to work and the boss pulls him aside. "Bob, you're a great salesman, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays - What's going on?" "Well boss. My sister's just gone through an awful divorce and she calls me every Monday morning crying, so I go over to her house and comfort her. We always wind up making love for the rest of the day..." "THAT'S SICK!" "I told you..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why don't French people smile in pictures?
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The French word for "cheese" is "fromage".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I made a terrible mistake when I searched for Gary Oldman on Google.
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I forgot the R
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hopefully this isn't a repost, but I love this one.
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A group of men are changing in locker room at a golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on the bench starts to ring, and a man puts it on speaker phone as he continues getting dressed. He says "Hello?", the woman on the other line says "Honey, it's me. Are you still at the golf club?" "Yeah, what's going on?" "I'm out shopping and found this great new leather coat, and it's only $500 dollars, can I get it?" "Sure, if you like it" "Thank you! I was also at the dealership earlier and saw the new Mercedes models, and there is one that's absolutely gorgeous, and I really want it!" "How much is it?" "About $80,000..." "Alright, but for that price I want all the extra options included." "Great! One other thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market, but they're asking for 1,500,000." "Well, go ahead and make them an offer, but don't go above 1,250,000." "Really? Okay! I love you, see you later!" "Love you too." The rest of the men in the club stare at him wide eyed. As he hangs up the phone he looks at the men and asks "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker,
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But when i got home all the signs were there.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do they call diarrhea at Hogwarts?
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expellianus!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church
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The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible For the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means. In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact ! As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented: ‘I don’t know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and its devotees that doesn’t.’ ____ [Source](http://www.whitec0de.com/a-very-funny-hypocrite-situation-must-read/)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's a pedophile's favorite drink?
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Cherry pop. See you all in hell!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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All lawyers are Assholes!
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A disgruntled man walks into bar, bangs his fists on the counter, and exclaims, "All lawyers are Assholes!" The bartender say, "I take exception to that!" The man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The bartender says, "No, I'm an Asshole!" It's an old one from my grandpa, but it always gets a chuckle.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you blindfold an Asian woman?
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Put a windshield in front of her.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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One of my favorites. A long one, but worth it.
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When the world first came to fruition all of the animals saw that they had a certain amount of years to live, and each had a certain thing to do for those years. The rabbit first saw that he had 40 years to run jump and play without a care in the world. But, the rabbit thought that forty was too long so he shaved off twenty and left them on the ground. Then, the beaver noticed that he had twenty years to work hard to create a life and home for himself. But, the beaver thought this was too long so he too took half and left ten years on the ground. Next came the cat. The cat realized that he had fifty years to live to work hard and slave for his family. But, the cat thought he couldn't possibly keep up that work for fifty years, so he dumped thirty years and took twenty instead. Lastly the dog wandered over. The dog saw that he had gained twenty years to sit and bark at everything that passed him. But, dog thought he could not continue that for forty years so he dropped ten. Now came along the sad human. The sad human was sad because he had been granted only one year to cry poop and eat. But he walked into a field and saw that all the other animals had left behind some years. The human jumped at the chance and picked them all up. From then on the humans spent the the first year of their life crying pooping and eating. For the next twenty he would be free and play. After that he would struggle to make a list feel for himself for ten years. Later he would slave thirty years for his family, and finally he would sit on his porch for ten years barking at everything that went by. EDIT: Misspellings and grammar
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man went to the store . . .
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He was getting ready for a party and he wanted to pick up soda and chips. He arrived at the store and walked over to the chips and an old lady ran over to him and embraced him. "I thought you were dead. I knew they were wrong." The man was confused about what just happened replied "do I know you". She looked at him with a heart broken expression and said "I'm sorry you look like my son that went missing in action last year and I thought you have returned for me". She began to cry and he tried to calm her when she said "Can you say hi mom for me ". Since he felt bad for her he says outlout "Hi mom" and gives her a big hug. She left to continue her shopping so he walked and picked up some chips. He started toward the pop when he saw the old lady walking toward him. Her cart was full of tons of electrical stuff but it didn't bother him much. She asked him "Can you say I love you for me?". He hesitated for a bit but he still felt bad for the old lady so he shouted "I love you mom". She walked away with a smile on her face and he felt good as well. After he grabed the pop he walked to the cashier. He saw that the old lady was already checked out so he thought to do one more thing to make her day so he shouted "Bye mom I love you." After he said that she calmly walked out the door and when she was out the door she ran to her car and drove away. He felt happy and was excited for the party so he rang up the soda and chips. The cashier said "That was a nice thing to say to your mom the total is $4013.12". He was confused and asked "What the hell?" The cashier replied "Your mom said you would pay for her"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I heard this joke on a show called "Accused" it made me laugh
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"A man gets his dick cut off at work and they give him 40000 dollars comp... he could get a 4 inch penis for 10 grand, a 6 inch for 30 and the full big 8 inch penis for the full 40. But his wife is there and she needs to help make the decision. So, his boss leaves, like our lawyer did right there to 'let them talk' and comes back a half hour later 'So, what'll ya have?' and the man says 'well, we're getting a new kitchen.'"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Voodoo dildo
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A man was going to go on a business trip and wanted to get his wife a new toy to try and reduce the chance that she would cheat on him while he was gone. So he went to a local sex shop and told the clerk what he was looking for and why. The clerk showed him a collection of dildos and other sex toys, but he didn't really think they were what he wanted to get. So he started to leave when the clerk showed him a special dildo that he has, that might be what he's looking for. "this here," described the clerk "is the voodoo dildo. It can hear your voice commands. So you can say 'voodoo dildo' and then name a part of your body and it will fuck it like there is no tomorrow. Your wife will be busy for weeks with this thing." So he said "voodoo dildo, hand." and sure enough the dildo floated up and started massaging his hand. "how do you make it stop!" he said as the dildo started really going at it. "just say voodoo dildo enough. And as you can see, it has gone back into its box here." "great! I'll buy it!" So the man takes it home to his wife and he explains how it woks. "voodoo dildo, my pussy" she says, and it rises out of its box and starts going at it. She orgasms within minutes and makes it stop. Feeling proud of himself he leaves for his trip. Over the next few days his wife has some of the most amazing orgasms of her life and one day realizes she needs to go get groceries. So she leaves the house and takes her dildo with her. As she is driving she suddenly gets horny and gets out the dildo, and after several minutes she is so overthrown with orgasms that she starts to drive like a drink driver. Seeing this car swerving all over the road a policeman pulls her over. "mam, is there a reason why you were swerving all over the road?" "vvv-vvoodddooo dddilldoo" she manages to mumble through her pleasure. The cop laughs and says "voodoo dido, my ass!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the woman do that found gold in her vagina?
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She mined her own business.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver.
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A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside. The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?." His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work." The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money." The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!" After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?." She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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At a small London pub,
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3 girls are chatting. An Englishman hears them and notices their distinctive accent that he so easily recognizes. He approaches then smoothly and asks: "are you girls from Scotland?" In a condescending tone, one of them turns around and says: "It's Wales, idiot!" "Oh I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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To get to the other side!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My favourite Scottish joke [x-post r/Scotland]
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An Englishman is out walking in the Highlands and gets thirsty, so he stops at a river to get some water. He's about to bring the water up to his mouth with his hand when he gets interrupted by a shepherd nearby. "Dinnae drink oot the river, it's foo o' sheep pish!" The Englishman looks confused and replies, "I'm sorry, my good man, I didn't understand a word of that! I'm English and on a walking holiday!" The shepherd smirks and says, "I said use both hands; you'll get more water that way!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
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Gag.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?
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Because it's un oeuf.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do women fake orgasms?
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Because men fake foreplay.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Whats the difference between a prostitute with diarrhea and an epileptic corn-husker?
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The epileptic corn-husker shucks between fits.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy with a wooden eye goes to a dance.
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He searches the room for a lady ugly enough to dance with someone like himself. He spots one with jutting buck-teeth. He asks, "Will you dance with me?" She replies excitedly, "Would I!?" He angrily yells back at her, "BUCK TEETH!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?
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One's a crusty bus station... The other's a busty crustacean!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Russian drunk in a streetcar
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Another Russian joke. A drunk boards a streetcar, and says out loud: "All the women to the left of me are idiots, and all the women to the right are whores." A woman to the right stands up and says, "I've been married for 15 years, and I've always been faithful to my husband, so there." "Then move to the left."
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