Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	jerry has a 69	After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a litre of Listerine used dental floss as well As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints, His turn came up and the dentist said take a seat , Feeling Confident & relaxed Jerry opened his mouth wide The dentist got close enough & said” “ Man did you have a 69 before you came here “ Jerry said “Does my breath smell like pussy”? the dentist replied “No your Forehead smells like shit"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem...	...when he sees a crowd of angry, shouting citizens throwing stones at a young woman. "What is the meaning of this?" Jesus asks the men. "We are stoning this whore," says one of the men at the front of the crowd. Jesus walks in between the bleeding whore and the angry mob, holds up his hand, and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." From the back of the crowd, a stone comes flying through the air and smacks the whore perfectly on the cheek, knocking her unconscious. "Dammit, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does DNA stand for?	the National Dyslexic Association!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....	the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him. "Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!" The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination: "Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!" The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic: "You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!" The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid". "NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?	.. the hotdogs taste like shit.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There are 10 types of people.	Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who did not expect this to a base 3 joke.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why would Bill Cosby make a great lawyer?	The proof is in the pudding
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the rabbi who lost his job after a botched circumcision?	He got the sac.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel...	...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar...	and drink until the giraffe passes out. The man goes to leave and the bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" Man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a cheap circumcision?	A rip off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When a guy thinks that older women are more into him than they actually are...	Is it an example of the Dunning-Cougar effect?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Lion vs Dog	A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency?	Han Jobs
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you embarrass an archaeologist?	Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-Nazis?	It's all just white noise.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...	I was shocked!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums.	He was a professional tuna.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How are socks like Boy Scouts?	They always come pre-paired.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's an epileptic's least favorite pizza place?	Little Seizures.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do gay horses eat?	Horse penis
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bath?	Throw your laundry in!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?	You make a seizure salad
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?	A pool table.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A heroic biker . . .	Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide." While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An older woman wants to join a biker gang.	So she strolls into a biker bar. A grizzly man comes up to her and asks what she is doing there. She says, "I want to join your gang." "hahahaha" says the biker. "You even got a bike?" "That's my Harley out there" she replies. "OK fine, but do you smoke?" "Three packs a day and a couple cigars if I shoot pool." "OK alright" says the biker. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The woman replies "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times. Good enough?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wrong spot	There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Aussie Helpline	"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer mate!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Scary Tale of a Hitchhiker	There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual formalities of asking permission, he took opportunity of the slow movement of the car, jumped in closing the door after him. Only then he saw that there was no one in the car, not even a driver. He could not hear the sound of engine and yet the car was moving. The traveler was terrified. He began to pray for his safety as he had heard a lot of ghost stories in this area. He was too scared to make a move and jump out. So he sat frozen. Then all of a sudden, a hand from nowhere reached in from the front window to guide the car near a curve and disappeared as suddenly after negotiating the curve. The traveler was frozen scared. When the next curve came and the hand appeared from nowhere, he gathered his wits and jumped out of the slow moving car too fearful to see right and left and ran for his life. After what seemed an eternity he reached a small town and saw a bar in the middle of the road. Scared, wet and shocked, he barged into the bar and ordered three straight shots of whiskey on ice and gulped them down. Regaining his breath, he told everyone present in the bar of his experience with the ghost car. People realized that he was no drunk shooting his mouth and was speaking the truth. All murmur stopped and there was pin drop silence. The atmosphere became spooky. After about three quarters of an hour, Dean and Martin walked into the bar and Dean exclaimed: “Look over there to your right Mart, there sits that son of a bitch who rode our car when we were pushing it in rain!”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where did sally go when the bombs dropped?	Everywhere
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Scientist released new findings proving that there are now only seven planets in our solar system	after I destroyed Uranus.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What kind of juice does hitler drink?	Concentrated juice.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?	An Insti-Gator
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween	bitches love doing laundry.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...	I would choose the ladder.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	It's no wonder we've never met an alien	It's no wonder we've never met an alien, i'd have a hard time developing a space program if no one believed in me, too.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present	An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time. The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy. After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the cell say to his sister who stepped on his toe?	Mitosis!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Politicians and dipers have one thing in common	they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A young boat dock is caught smoking	A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An International School Teacher	...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?" first, the African kid asks "what's food?" the European kid asks "what's scarcity?" the American kid asks "what's other countries?" and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat	I got a divorce.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar	He sees a sign that says "Make the horse laugh, win a 100$." Figuring that he could make some conversation, he asked the bartender "What's the deal with that sign?" To which the bartender replies "Well, there's a horse out back, if you can make him laugh, I'll give you a 100$" The man, up for the challenge, goes out back and finds the horse and whispers into its ear and within seconds the horse can't stop laughing. He walks back into the bar and spends his 100$ on a free round for everyone in the bar. (Small bar, cheap drinks) He comes back to the bar the next day and sees a new sign "Make the horse cry, win 1000$" he asks the bartender for a drink and if its okay to try the contest again. The bartender says sure thinking the chances are unlikely. The man goes out and shows the Horse something and the horse starts sobbing his eyes out. He walks back in and takes his 1000$ and has a few drinks and gives everyone a free round again. "I gotta ask, how'd you do it?" Says the bartender. "Well to make him laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his, to make him cry, I showed him." Edit: this is my favorite joke ever that my dad told me when I was probably 11. I normally hate long jokes but this is a classic.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do redditors have so many inside jokes?	Because we're too afraid to go outside
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A snail and a bar	A snail slowly crawls into a bar. He painstakingly climbs up the bar and to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at him, grabs him by the shell, and chucks him out of the establishment. One year later, the snail returns. He slowly crawls into the bar, and slowly climbs up to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at the snail and the snail says "What the hell did you do that for?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I don't always eat breakfast	But when I do, I have dos eggies
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction	Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command: It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on. Edit* changed were to are
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How to spell "me"	A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word "ME" for him. She says, "M-E". The man says, "But you forgot the D!" "But there's no "D" in "ME"!" He says, "Not yet.."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven...	...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions. 1. How many days of the week start with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir." Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?" Forrest: "Why, today and tomorrow of course!" Peter, slightly surprised, says "well, that wasn't the answer I was expecting, but that is correct. Next, how many seconds are there in a year?" Forrest: "Twelve." Peter: "Twelve?!" Forrest: "Yeah, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." Peter's more astonished than before at these unexpected answers. "Again, not what I was expecting, but correct. Finally, what is God's first name?" Forrest: "Harold." Peter: "Harold?!" Forrest: "Yeah, it says so right in the lord's prayer. 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	Two, but you have to get them in the lightbulb first.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Sea Captain looks through his telescope	and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt". "But why, Captain?" the Mate says. "If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed". The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again: "Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?	A cussomer.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?	There's a parking meter on the roof.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...	The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears? She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The lost son	A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son." "Oh, that's ok," he said. "I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. "That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk. "How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle	The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man looking for work	A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Making Pizza	This is the first dirty joke I ever learned. A young boy and girl are walking through the woods together when they spot two squirrels having sex. The little girl asks "What are they doing?" and the boy, knowing what they are really doing, says "Oh, they're making pizza." They continue on and see two bears having sex. The girl asks again what they're doing, and the boy responds again "Making pizza.". Finally her curiosity got the best of her, and the girl says to the boy "It looks like they're enjoying themselves. I think I want to make pizza too." The boy obliges and they start having sex in the middle of the woods. A few minutes later the girl says to the boy "Ok, I think the pizza's done." and the boy replies "How are you sure?". The girl says "Because the cheese is running down my leg."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .	Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths’ condo and knocks on the door. Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants? Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	why don't chickens wear pants?	Because their pecker is on their heads!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Santa Claus"	A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her. "What's wrong my child?" asks the man. "I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no point." Santa Claus thinks for a moment and replies: "What if i were to grant you 3 wishes, would that change your mind?" The girl's eyes light up and she asks for her first wish " I want a beautiful house, one which money can't buy". The old man pulls out a piece of paper with an address and tells the girl that her new home is waiting for her there. "I want more money that i could ever spend so that i can enjoy my house and new life and never need to worry about a job ever again" "Next time you check your bank account, it will be there. More than you could ever spend." replies Santa. "And finally, i want the perfect husband to live my dream life with and never have to be alone ever again!" "Done, he will be waiting for you at your new place" The girl gets up and begins to walk away from the ledge, Santa claus looks at her and asks a final question. "You seem a lot happier now, how would you feel about returning the favor to and old lonely man?" "Sure, anything!" replies the girl. "How about a BJ?" he asks. The girl keeps her promise and starts doing her thing. Towards the end, the old man asks the girl -- "How old are you child?" "24" she replies. "And you still believe in Santa Claus?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?	Make me one with everything. - Danny DeVito from Inside the Actor's Studio
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob...	Are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you have a weed eater, I presume you have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, " the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, you have a house. And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes I have those, too." "So because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, hand Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" "I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're gay." Edit: Fixed some spelling errors
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Never underestimate old ladies.	A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time”. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?” Farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I used to be indecisive...	But now I'm not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it's one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I'd share.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA	The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the wrong way to feed the cat?	to the dog.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where do burgers like to dance?	At a meatball!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie lawyer who just finished rehab?	He's already started suing again.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?	Virgin Mobile.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	NSFW? - Definition of a Period	A period is a bloody waste of fucking time! (works in Australia, and probably England)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie?	Because he was wayyy far out man.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Joke from when I was 6 years old.	There are 3 buddies who loved hanging out. Their names were Shut-Up, Manners, and Shit. One day they were all three playing football at the park. Then Shit fell over and broke his leg. Shut-Up then went to the nearest house and asked to use the phone. The woman,who Shut-Up was asking to use the phone, then asks Shut-Up what his name was Shut-Up said, "Shut-up" The woman then said, "Tell me your name young man" And Shut-Up said again, "Shut-Up!" The woman then asked, "where are your manners?" Shut up responded, "Over at the park picking up Shit!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Your mom is like Reddit	always under a heavy load
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Question about The Catcher in the Rye	In chapter 5, I didn't understand why the bus driver made Caulfield get rid of his snowball. He was just...Holden it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	First time I had sex I was so scared....	I was all alone.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A virus walks into a bar...	A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I don't serve viruses". The virus turns him into the kind of bartender that does. (Heard from Neil DeGrasse Tyson on his star talk show)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Ex is married now with a baby.	What kind of idiot marries a baby?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you remember your wedding anniversary?	Forget it once.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Im on the verge of starting my passion, a childrens sporting goods store	Little Dicks
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many women does it take. . .	to screw in a lightbulb in a convent? Nun.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Tiger Woods...	...just had the worst 9 holes in his life, well second worst if you consider the 9 holes that lost him his marriage but still...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the cheapest type of meat to buy??	Deer balls; because they're under a buck.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a man says to a woman, can I smell your vagina?	Horrified, she slaps him and screams "NO"! He rubs his cheek and says, "I guess it must be your feet then."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Penguin experiencing car trouble	Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back. To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop. "Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal." "No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.	When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please." The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please." For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Ibuprofenum and Aspirin are running in a race...	Suddenly prednisolone passes them and wins first place. Ibuprofenum looks toward Aspirin and mutters: "fucking steroids"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Wife goes to her husband for help	She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store and find the perfect one and takes it home to try it out, first the wife gets on the scale says "129, 129". Then the husband gets on and its says 239, 239. They agree that its perfect so they take it to her niece and tells her to try it out, she is apprehensive but agrees, once she gets on the scale says "One at a time, One at a time"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?	A cab.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'd really love to study Philosophy...	But I Kant.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My favourite police joke	It's getting dark and little Jimmy is riding home on his new bike. He notices that a policeman on a horse is following him. The policemen asks Jimmy to pull over. Then he starts talking: "That's a nice bike you have there. Did you get this from Santa?" "Yes I did." "Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put a rear light on the back side of the bike. That makes 30$." After a while Jimmy replies: "That's a nice horse you have there. Did you get this from Santa?" "Yes I did." "Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put the asshole on the back side of the horse and not on top of it."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Cesar say when the people of Rome wanted to re-empower the Tribune?	Oh, Plebes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man's wife loves to go commando...	When she's wearing a dress and one day she goes to the mall to get a new pair of shoes. The salesman helps her try on a few pairs and notices jer lackbof underwear. He says "Miss I could eat that pussy full of ice cream." She gets offended and storms home to complain to her husband and demands he go beat the shit out of the salesman. He says "No for 3 reasons. One you've got too damn many shoes already. Two you should have worn panties. And three...any man who can eat thay much ice cream is a man I will not fuck with."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is Tom Hanks' wireless password?	1forrest1
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A daughter goes to her Jewish father and asks for $20	The father replies "$10, what do you need $5 for?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Parrot Says ...	A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So what's the best part about dead baby jokes?	They never get old. ba dum tss
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.	At first I was afraid; I was petrified.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a centaur walks into a bar	The bartender says, "Hey, how's the sore throat?" The centaur replies, "My throat isn't horse but my legs are."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's brown and hides in the attic?	The Diarrhea of Anne Frank

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jerry has a 69

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a litre of Listerine used dental floss as well As he arrived at the dentist he sucked on two strong mints, His turn came up and the dentist said take a seat , Feeling Confident & relaxed Jerry opened his mouth wide The dentist got close enough & said” “ Man did you have a 69 before you came here “ Jerry said “Does my breath smell like pussy”? the dentist replied “No your Forehead smells like shit"

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Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem...

...when he sees a crowd of angry, shouting citizens throwing stones at a young woman. *"What is the meaning of this?"* Jesus asks the men. "We are stoning this whore," says one of the men at the front of the crowd. Jesus walks in between the bleeding whore and the angry mob, holds up his hand, and says *"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."* From the back of the crowd, a stone comes flying through the air and smacks the whore perfectly on the cheek, knocking her unconscious. *"Dammit, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here."*

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What does DNA stand for?

the National Dyslexic Association!

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There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him. "Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!" The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination: "Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!" The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic: "You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!" The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid". "NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

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How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?

.. the hotdogs taste like shit.

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There are 10 types of people.

Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who did not expect this to a base 3 joke.

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Why would Bill Cosby make a great lawyer?

The proof is in the pudding

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Did you hear about the rabbi who lost his job after a botched circumcision?

He got the sac.

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A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel...

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do." The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

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So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar...

and drink until the giraffe passes out. The man goes to leave and the bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" Man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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When a guy thinks that older women are more into him than they actually are...

Is it an example of the Dunning-Cougar effect?

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Lion vs Dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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Did you know Han Solo had an employment agency?

Han Jobs

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from...

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This is one of those gems thought up at 4 am, why does nobody listen to Neo-Nazis?

It's all just white noise.

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When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof...

I was shocked!

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I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums.

He was a professional tuna.

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How are socks like Boy Scouts?

They always come pre-paired.

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What's an epileptic's least favorite pizza place?

Little Seizures.

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What do gay horses eat?

Horse penis

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What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in your bath?

Throw your laundry in!

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What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad

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What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?

A pool table.

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A heroic biker . . .

Last week, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" The would-be jumper responded, "I'm going to commit suicide." While George didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a legend-in-the-making opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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An older woman wants to join a biker gang.

So she strolls into a biker bar. A grizzly man comes up to her and asks what she is doing there. She says, "I want to join your gang." "hahahaha" says the biker. "You even got a bike?" "That's my Harley out there" she replies. "OK fine, but do you smoke?" "Three packs a day and a couple cigars if I shoot pool." "OK alright" says the biker. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The woman replies "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times. Good enough?"

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Wrong spot

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!"

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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer mate!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

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The Scary Tale of a Hitchhiker

There was this traveler who was hitchhiking on a dark night with rain and thunderstorm. He was out of the city limit waiting for a ride. Time passed but there was no car in sight on this ghostly night. The wind was blowing hard and rain was lashing his face. He was tired, hungry and miserable and could hardly see anything in the dark. Then he saw a ghostlike figure of a car moving slowly, inch by inch towards him. He was desperate and so without waiting for usual formalities of asking permission, he took opportunity of the slow movement of the car, jumped in closing the door after him. Only then he saw that there was no one in the car, not even a driver. He could not hear the sound of engine and yet the car was moving. The traveler was terrified. He began to pray for his safety as he had heard a lot of ghost stories in this area. He was too scared to make a move and jump out. So he sat frozen. Then all of a sudden, a hand from nowhere reached in from the front window to guide the car near a curve and disappeared as suddenly after negotiating the curve. The traveler was frozen scared. When the next curve came and the hand appeared from nowhere, he gathered his wits and jumped out of the slow moving car too fearful to see right and left and ran for his life. After what seemed an eternity he reached a small town and saw a bar in the middle of the road. Scared, wet and shocked, he barged into the bar and ordered three straight shots of whiskey on ice and gulped them down. Regaining his breath, he told everyone present in the bar of his experience with the ghost car. People realized that he was no drunk shooting his mouth and was speaking the truth. All murmur stopped and there was pin drop silence. The atmosphere became spooky. After about three quarters of an hour, Dean and Martin walked into the bar and Dean exclaimed: “Look over there to your right Mart, there sits that son of a bitch who rode our car when we were pushing it in rain!”

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Where did sally go when the bombs dropped?

Everywhere

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Scientist released new findings proving that there are now only seven planets in our solar system

after I destroyed Uranus.

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What kind of juice does hitler drink?

Concentrated juice.

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My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

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I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween

bitches love doing laundry.

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If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...

I would choose the ladder.

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It's no wonder we've never met an alien

It's no wonder we've never met an alien, i'd have a hard time developing a space program if no one believed in me, too.

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My 89 year old Grandpa told me this one tonight... An elderly man bought his wife a Christmas present

An elderly man was trying to figure out what to buy his wife for Christmas. Knowing they already had everything they needed he decided to give his wife a Tombstone. She opened the present and thought. "OOOOKKKAYYYYY.. Sure, Thank you" She thought the gesture was nice and a little weird at the same time. The next year the entire family was having Christmas together and the elderly man had bought great gifts for everybody but his elderly wife. His kids and grand kids were so thankful and happy. After everything was done his wife said "Hey! What about me? You didn't get me anything?" The elderly Man replied "Why would I get you anything this year? You still haven't used what I got you last year!!"

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What did the cell say to his sister who stepped on his toe?

Mitosis!

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Politicians and dipers have one thing in common

they should be changed regularly, and for the same reason

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A young boat dock is caught smoking

A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."

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An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?" first, the African kid asks "what's food?" the European kid asks "what's scarcity?" the American kid asks "what's other countries?" and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

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I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat

I got a divorce.

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A man walks into a bar

He sees a sign that says "Make the horse laugh, win a 100$." Figuring that he could make some conversation, he asked the bartender "What's the deal with that sign?" To which the bartender replies "Well, there's a horse out back, if you can make him laugh, I'll give you a 100$" The man, up for the challenge, goes out back and finds the horse and whispers into its ear and within seconds the horse can't stop laughing. He walks back into the bar and spends his 100$ on a free round for everyone in the bar. (Small bar, cheap drinks) He comes back to the bar the next day and sees a new sign "Make the horse cry, win 1000$" he asks the bartender for a drink and if its okay to try the contest again. The bartender says sure thinking the chances are unlikely. The man goes out and shows the Horse something and the horse starts sobbing his eyes out. He walks back in and takes his 1000$ and has a few drinks and gives everyone a free round again. "I gotta ask, how'd you do it?" Says the bartender. "Well to make him laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his, to make him cry, I showed him." Edit: this is my favorite joke ever that my dad told me when I was probably 11. I normally hate long jokes but this is a classic.

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Why do redditors have so many inside jokes?

Because we're too afraid to go outside

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A snail and a bar

A snail slowly crawls into a bar. He painstakingly climbs up the bar and to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at him, grabs him by the shell, and chucks him out of the establishment. One year later, the snail returns. He slowly crawls into the bar, and slowly climbs up to the bartender. The bartender takes one look at the snail and the snail says "What the hell did you do that for?"

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I don't always eat breakfast

But when I do, I have dos eggies

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LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command: It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on. Edit* changed were to are

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How to spell "me"

A man walks up to a woman and asks her to spell the word "ME" for him. She says, "M-E". The man says, "But you forgot the D!" "But there's no "D" in "ME"!" He says, "Not yet.."

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Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven...

...he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Forrest, to get into heaven, you're going to need to answer three questions. 1. How many days of the week start with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thinks long and hard about these three questions. Finally, he goes up to the angel and says, "I've got my answers sir." Peter: "Okay, Forrest. How many days of the week start with the letter T?" Forrest: "Why, today and tomorrow of course!" Peter, slightly surprised, says "well, that wasn't the answer I was expecting, but that is correct. Next, how many seconds are there in a year?" Forrest: "Twelve." Peter: "Twelve?!" Forrest: "Yeah, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." Peter's more astonished than before at these unexpected answers. "Again, not what I was expecting, but correct. Finally, what is God's first name?" Forrest: "Harold." Peter: "Harold?!" Forrest: "Yeah, it says so right in the lord's prayer. 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name.'"

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How many rats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but you have to get them in the lightbulb first.

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A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt". "But why, Captain?" the Mate says. "If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed". The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again: "Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

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Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

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How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?

There's a parking meter on the roof.

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A blonde goes to the doctors and both of her ears are red...

The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears? She replies, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The son-of-a-bitch called back."

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The lost son

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son." "Oh, that's ok," he said. "I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled. Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries. "That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk. "How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things "Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her"

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A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle

The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"

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A man looking for work

A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

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Making Pizza

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned. A young boy and girl are walking through the woods together when they spot two squirrels having sex. The little girl asks "What are they doing?" and the boy, knowing what they are really doing, says "Oh, they're making pizza." They continue on and see two bears having sex. The girl asks again what they're doing, and the boy responds again "Making pizza.". Finally her curiosity got the best of her, and the girl says to the boy "It looks like they're enjoying themselves. I think I want to make pizza too." The boy obliges and they start having sex in the middle of the woods. A few minutes later the girl says to the boy "Ok, I think the pizza's done." and the boy replies "How are you sure?". The girl says "Because the cheese is running down my leg."

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Go tell Mrs. Smith . . .

Six retired Floridian men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Mr. Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Mr. Jones looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife? They cut the cards. Mr. Miller picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Mr. Miller goes over to the Smiths’ condo and knocks on the door. Mrs. Smith answers through the door and asks what he wants? Mr. Miller says: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is really afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Mr. Miller.

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why don't chickens wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their heads!

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"Santa Claus"

A girl is sitting at the edge of a tall building, contemplating suicide on Christmas day. Santa Claus sees the girl and sits down beside her. "What's wrong my child?" asks the man. "I have no job, no friends and no one who loves me and today i'm reminded of this even more.. there's no point." Santa Claus thinks for a moment and replies: "What if i were to grant you 3 wishes, would that change your mind?" The girl's eyes light up and she asks for her first wish " I want a beautiful house, one which money can't buy". The old man pulls out a piece of paper with an address and tells the girl that her new home is waiting for her there. "I want more money that i could ever spend so that i can enjoy my house and new life and never need to worry about a job ever again" "Next time you check your bank account, it will be there. More than you could ever spend." replies Santa. "And finally, i want the perfect husband to live my dream life with and never have to be alone ever again!" "Done, he will be waiting for you at your new place" The girl gets up and begins to walk away from the ledge, Santa claus looks at her and asks a final question. "You seem a lot happier now, how would you feel about returning the favor to and old lonely man?" "Sure, anything!" replies the girl. "How about a BJ?" he asks. The girl keeps her promise and starts doing her thing. Towards the end, the old man asks the girl -- "How old are you child?" "24" she replies. "And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

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What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything. - Danny DeVito from Inside the Actor's Studio

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob...

Are sitting at the bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you have a weed eater, I presume you have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, " the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, you have a house. And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes I have those, too." "So because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing! You were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, and how he is signed up for Math, English, History, hand Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" "I'll give you an example," says Jim. "Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're gay." Edit: Fixed some spelling errors

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Never underestimate old ladies.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.” The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time”. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?” Farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?” The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens”

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I used to be indecisive...

But now I'm not sure. EDIT: I know this is an old joke, but it's one of my favorite one-liners, so I thought I'd share.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

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What's the wrong way to feed the cat?

to the dog.

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Where do burgers like to dance?

At a meatball!

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Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie lawyer who just finished rehab?

He's already started suing again.

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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

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NSFW? - Definition of a Period

A period is a bloody waste of fucking time! (works in Australia, and probably England)

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Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie?

Because he was wayyy far out man.

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Joke from when I was 6 years old.

There are 3 buddies who loved hanging out. Their names were Shut-Up, Manners, and Shit. One day they were all three playing football at the park. Then Shit fell over and broke his leg. Shut-Up then went to the nearest house and asked to use the phone. The woman,who Shut-Up was asking to use the phone, then asks Shut-Up what his name was Shut-Up said, "Shut-up" The woman then said, "Tell me your name young man" And Shut-Up said again, "Shut-Up!" The woman then asked, "where are your manners?" Shut up responded, "Over at the park picking up Shit!"

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Your mom is like Reddit

always under a heavy load

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Question about The Catcher in the Rye

In chapter 5, I didn't understand why the bus driver made Caulfield get rid of his snowball. He was just...Holden it.

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First time I had sex I was so scared....

I was all alone.

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A virus walks into a bar...

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, I don't serve viruses". The virus turns him into the kind of bartender that does. (Heard from Neil DeGrasse Tyson on his star talk show)

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My Ex is married now with a baby.

What kind of idiot marries a baby?

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How do you remember your wedding anniversary?

Forget it once.

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Im on the verge of starting my passion, a childrens sporting goods store

Little Dicks

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How many women does it take. . .

to screw in a lightbulb in a convent? Nun.

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Tiger Woods...

...just had the worst 9 holes in his life, well second worst if you consider the 9 holes that lost him his marriage but still...

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What's the cheapest type of meat to buy??

Deer balls; because they're under a buck.

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So a man says to a woman, can I smell your vagina?

Horrified, she slaps him and screams "NO"! He rubs his cheek and says, "I guess it must be your feet then."

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Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back. To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop. "Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal." "No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A blind man is sitting in a restaurant.

When the waiter comes to the table the blind man asks may he please have the dirty fork of the last diner. The waiter is a bit puzzled but says ok. The blind man puts the fork in his mouth and says, "mmm...meatloaf, that's delicious, I'll have the meatloaf please." The next night the blind man returns and again makes the same request, the waiter obliges and this time the blind man says, "mmm...pot roast, that's delicious, I'll have the pot roast please." For the third consecutive evening the blind man returns and again requests the dirty fork. This time the waiter decides to fuck with him a bit and asks his girlfriend Jane who also works at the restaurant to rub the fork on her pussy. So Jane gives it a good rub and the waiter presents it to the blind man who puts it in his mouth and exclaims, "Jane works here???"

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Ibuprofenum and Aspirin are running in a race...

Suddenly prednisolone passes them and wins first place. Ibuprofenum looks toward Aspirin and mutters: "fucking steroids"

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A Wife goes to her husband for help

She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store and find the perfect one and takes it home to try it out, first the wife gets on the scale says "129, 129". Then the husband gets on and its says 239, 239. They agree that its perfect so they take it to her niece and tells her to try it out, she is apprehensive but agrees, once she gets on the scale says "One at a time, One at a time"

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What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank?

A cab.

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I'd really love to study Philosophy...

But I Kant.

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My favourite police joke

It's getting dark and little Jimmy is riding home on his new bike. He notices that a policeman on a horse is following him. The policemen asks Jimmy to pull over. Then he starts talking: "That's a nice bike you have there. Did you get this from Santa?" "Yes I did." "Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put a rear light on the back side of the bike. That makes 30$." After a while Jimmy replies: "That's a nice horse you have there. Did you get this from Santa?" "Yes I did." "Well next time just tell Santa he's supposed to put the asshole on the back side of the horse and not on top of it."

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What did Cesar say when the people of Rome wanted to re-empower the Tribune?

Oh, Plebes.

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A man's wife loves to go commando...

When she's wearing a dress and one day she goes to the mall to get a new pair of shoes. The salesman helps her try on a few pairs and notices jer lackbof underwear. He says "Miss I could eat that pussy full of ice cream." She gets offended and storms home to complain to her husband and demands he go beat the shit out of the salesman. He says "No for 3 reasons. One you've got too damn many shoes already. Two you should have worn panties. And three...any man who can eat thay much ice cream is a man I will not fuck with."

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What is Tom Hanks' wireless password?

1forrest1

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A daughter goes to her Jewish father and asks for $20

The father replies "$10, what do you need $5 for?"

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The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."

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So what's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old. *ba dum tss*

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Last night I had a horrible nightmare about Gloria Gaynor.

At first I was afraid; I was petrified.

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So a centaur walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey, how's the sore throat?" The centaur replies, "My throat isn't horse but my legs are."

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What's brown and hides in the attic?

The Diarrhea of Anne Frank