Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Grandpa	Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die! Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know? Me: The judge told him.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?	He was baroque.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay...	...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.	They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep	but the kids on his bus were screaming.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my coffee like I like my women,	Without a penis.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake	It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A straight rooster says "coco doodle doo", a gay rooster says...	ANY COCKLEDOO!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jesus walks.....	Jesus walks into a holiday inn, tosses three nails on the counter and asks, " Can you put me up for the night?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do Rick Ross and a dominatrix have in common?	They're both interested in whips and chains.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?	A Slut sleeps with everyone A Bitch sleeps with everyone, except you.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	dat hyphen	A man eating fish was saved by a hyphen from a man-eating fish (you might have heard it before but its new to me)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	One. He holds it up, and the world revolves around him to screw it in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?	As a soldier, it is your job to kill people. As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet?	My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes?	So you know what shows not to watch.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...	A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles. The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him: -- Rabbi, what can be done?! -- Do you still have the internet connection? -- Yes! -- Sell the ship!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Scientists have finally discovered the secret of longevity of hedgehogs...	...It turns out, there is no secret. They don't even live that long.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Murder at Loblaws (My dad threw this one at me the other day)	Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Loblaws Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ LOBLAWS '
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where is Jim?	He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Jim has been missing since Friday.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?	If you have Bird Flu, you need tweetment. If you have Swine Flu, you need oink-ment.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Couldn't get into the library the other day...	... it was fully booked.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Have you ever seen the movie "Constipation"?	It never came out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Johnny steals a pencil	Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious. "Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office." -From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wilson's nails	Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82...	...I'm easily lead
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	2 Poles are watching a Football game...	There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says: -I bet you 20 bucks he will not score -You are on - Replies the second one. The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying: -I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money. -I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?	What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Lonely widow.	A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said... Rang the doorbell didn't I?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast	1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon? A. A Dino-sour 2.Q. Were do robots go to worship? A. Mech-a
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.	That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	the bear and his list	It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor. The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list. Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?" Bear: "Yes, that's true." Deer: "And is my name on the list?" Bear: "Yep." In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head. Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave. Boar: "So there's your list..." Bear: "Yes, that's my list." Boar: "You know... is my name on it?" Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list." Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest. So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear. Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list." Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist." Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?" Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list." Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?" The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Good one liner	You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are there no Irish lawyers?	They can't pass the bar.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How are American beer and making love in a canoe the same?	They're both fucking close to water.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the leper on the trampoline?	He strained his leg. ^^^I'm ^^^sorry.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Meanie-Pie Girl	I was working on a large amount of math homework in a group today, and one of the female participants was being prissy and in general a nuisance. So I patted her on the head. She says, 'Did you just pat me on the head?' So I say, "Yes, you were being mean so I was de-meaning you."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The definition of mixed emotions...	My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A good pun is hard to find, like a good steak...	The medium's rarely well-done.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is a Redneck virgin?	A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom?	He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Gay deer	A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A homeless man walks by a bar...	He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bad Luck	I think my luck is getting worse. I was mugged by a Quaker.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between a gay mans mustache and a straight mans mustache?	Andwer: the smell.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the customer slap the cashier?	Because he was checking her out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde, brunette, and a red head walk into a bar	Wow, these are great binoculars!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A women goes to a dentist	She sits down and spreads her legs. "Im not sure im the right person for this" the dentist says. The women replies " I know, but you put my husbands dentures in and now your gonna take them out".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You know what West Virginians say about dating, don't you?	The closer the kin, the better the skin.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Firefly fans does it take to change a light bulb?	They wouldn't. They'd rather spend a decade bitching about how it went out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Heard this one liner at work today	Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the Redneck cross the road?	Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	a woman and her boyfriend	A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two Grandma's Are Walking Down The Street...	One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If a threesome is with 3 people...	If a threesome is with 3 people and a foursome is with 4 people I can see why they call you handsome.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man brought a dead animal onto a plane...	When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man is going to jump off a bridge...	...when a genie pops out of a lamp post. The genie says, "I can make your life worth living." "How can you possibly do that?", the man replies, "I hit my wife and only son in a drunk driving accident and they were killed instantly." The genie says, "Right before you jump off, say anything and I can grant you whatever it is you say instantly." The man thinks that he will wish his family back and gets a full speed running start. As he nears the edge he takes a flying jump and his knee catches the edge and he breaks his knee cap. As he's tumbling towards the ground below the man shouts in agony, "Ah, shit!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?	To get to the other side.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man named Chris	This guy called Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is tony home?" he asks. "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in" They sit down and Chris says, "You know Tina, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen, I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Tina thinks about this about this for a second and figures what the hell- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see them together." Tine thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer, and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Seamus and Patrick were building a house.	Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side. After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong. "Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?" asked Seamus. "Well, you see, it's these nails," said Patrick, gesturing towards the bucket of nails sitting beside him. "A lot of them are faulty. When I pull one out, half the time it's facing the wrong way." "You idiot, Patrick!" said Seamus. "They're for my side of the house."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Drunk	A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...	When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom. As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed. The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry. Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Husband get back home from work asks wife	Husband: "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?" Wife: "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check. She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a bar, all battered and bruised...	It looked like he'd just gone 10 rounds with the Klitschko brothers. Blood everywhere. "God's balls, son, what happened to you?" said the barman. "Well, I was about to come into the bar when I slipped on a dog turd on the pavement just outside," explained the customer. "But you're covered in bruises and blood," said the barman. "That can't have happened just from falling over." "Well, no," said the customer. "I'd picked myself up and was dusting off my jacket when a Hell's Angel came along and he slipped in the turd and fell over as well. So I told him "I just did that.'"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mugger	Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There was a black out last night.	Don't worry, we got him.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?	Lenght of chimney x wind speed
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a man walks into a bar...	And he sits down to have a drink, as he's drinking he spots a jar with money in it and asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender responds "oh its a challenge, if you can make the horse in the back laugh you can keep the money it's only five bucks to try." the man thinks about it and pays the five bucks. He comes back five seconds later with the horse laughing like crazy he picks up the jar and leaves. This went on for two more days and finally the bartender changes the challenge to making the horse cry. The man comes in and sees the change thinks about it and goes out, five seconds later he comes in and the horse is crying! Amazed the bartender asks "how did you do it" to which the man replies "on the first two days i told him my dick was bigger than his and today i showed him" :)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A six sided man walks into a bar	A six sided man walks into a bar and orders a gon. The bartender says, "What the heck's a gon?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Irishman walks into a bar...	An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time." The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me." The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!" The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way. One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal." The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.	You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a ship is sinking and the captain radios for help to a near by ship, which happens to have a German captain. He says, "Help! We're sinking, we're sinking!"	To which the German captain replies "vat are you sinking about...?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Oldie but a Goodie	Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Got this from my dad tonight...You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas?	They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a boner??	He breaks his nose.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...	...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Chantelle has 756 friends on Facebook. She adds 122, what does she have?	Huge tits.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Gold walks into a bar...	So gold walks into a bar and than the bartender says AU get out! I show myself out...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Fireman's bell system.	A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go. He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air. After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what’s bell 4? The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you kill a thousand flies...	Slap a Kenyan in the face. Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...	St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven. The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots." So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five." The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10" "That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?" "Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I stole this joke. But My dad loved it.	A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and said "do u have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit said "no, why?". So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?	...94 people died.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So I just started my own indoor ship production company.	Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are hippies against capitalism?	Because money doesn't grow on trees.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.	A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his sex life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have sex with them." The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday. After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one. Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having sex with a Gorilla!" The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941?	The Jews in 1942.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a bar for the very first time...	As he sits down, the bartender makes him a deal. He can drink at his bar for free from then on if he first drinks and entire bottle of whiskey, pulls a single tooth from an alligator in the back of the bar, and gives a woman her first orgasm. The man proceeds to drink the entire bottle of whiskey before the bartender. Impressed, the bar tender shows the man to a room in the back with an alligator in it. After being in the room for a fairly long time, and after hearing several loud noises coming from the room, the man stumbles out of the room and says "Alright, where's the woman that needs her tooth pulled?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?	Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is formed at the end of mitosis?	My nailses
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A black man in north carolina decides to stop by a chicken restaurant...	To get something to eat. The restaurant is filled with white people, but the black man isn't too nervous. He goes to a waitress and asks for a seat, to which she replies, "Boy, we don't serve niggers here." He replies, "Well, that's great, because I don't eat niggers. I'll find my own seat." The man takes a seat in the middle of the restaurant and all of the white people are staring at him, all with degrees of unease and anger. The waitress brings out a full chicken and puts it in front of him. Before the black man can dig in, three white men, who happened to be named Ku, Klux, and Klan are at his table. One of them says: "Now listen boy what ever you do to that bird, we will do to you and truss us, we will get away with it." So the black man picks down his knife and fork, picks up the chicken...and kisses it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bear with me...	A Russian man decides to take his son to the local pub to get shitfaced and meet the guys, as was tradition for a boy coming of age. The father sits the son down and explains to him that in order to be a real man he would have to complete three tasks. "First, you must drink this whole bottle of vodka." said the father. "Next you must make your way to the middle of the forest and shake a bears hand as you would a man's." the father continued. "The last task is to find Olga, the village prostitute and fuck her from behind." The son agreed and downed the whole bottle in three gulps. He then stumbled out of the pub as his father and friends cheered. Three hours passed and the father was beginning to get worried, just as the son stumbled his way back into the pub and yelled. "Father, I'm not finished I must still shake Olga's hand."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Ham Sandwich Walks Into A Bar ...	A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender yells out, "Hey! We don't serve ham sandwiches here." To which the ham sandwich replies, "That's okay, I just wanted a drink."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Pirates life for me...	A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do" Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays" 1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?" Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mate of mine held up a sign that said 'BNAG'...	I said, "That's bang out of order!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...	but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The joke that made me subscribe to this subreddit:	I love being bipolar. It sucks.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two men walk into a bar..	The first one orders H^2 O And the second orders H^2 O too. The second man dies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A couple was on their honeymoon,	lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde goes to Paris	A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class. The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away. Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again. The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."

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Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die! Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know? Me: The judge told him.

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Why did the cellist have to sell his instrument?

He was baroque.

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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay...

...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.

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A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"

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My grandfather died peacefully and in his sleep

but the kids on his bus were screaming.

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I like my coffee like I like my women,

Without a penis.

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Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake

It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)

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A straight rooster says "coco doodle doo", a gay rooster says...

ANY COCKLEDOO!

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Jesus walks.....

Jesus walks into a holiday inn, tosses three nails on the counter and asks, " Can you put me up for the night?"

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What do Rick Ross and a dominatrix have in common?

They're both interested in whips and chains.

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What's the difference between a Slut and a Bitch?

A Slut sleeps with everyone A Bitch sleeps with everyone, except you.

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dat hyphen

A man eating fish was saved by a hyphen from a man-eating fish (you might have heard it before but its new to me)

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How many teenagers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He holds it up, and the world revolves around him to screw it in.

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What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?

As a soldier, it is your job to kill people. As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.

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So someone dropped a Chinese baby in a toilet?

My advice is to pop it in a bag of rice overnight...

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Why does Tyler Perry put his name on everything he makes?

So you know what shows *not* to watch.

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A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles. The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him: -- Rabbi, what can be done?! -- Do you still have the internet connection? -- Yes! -- Sell the ship!

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Scientists have finally discovered the secret of longevity of hedgehogs...

...It turns out, there is no secret. They don't even live that long.

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Murder at Loblaws (My dad threw this one at me the other day)

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Loblaws Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared... 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ LOBLAWS '

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Where is Jim?

He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Jim has been missing since Friday.

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What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have Bird Flu, you need tweetment. If you have Swine Flu, you need oink-ment.

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Couldn't get into the library the other day...

... it was fully booked.

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Have you ever seen the movie "Constipation"?

It never came out.

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Johnny steals a pencil

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious. "Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. And besides, you know that if you ever need a pencil, you can just say something. You can just mention it and I'll bring you dozens of pencils from the office." -From a lecture by economist Dan Ariely

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Wilson's nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82...

...I'm easily lead

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2 Poles are watching a Football game...

There is an attack by one team and the first Polish dude says: -I bet you 20 bucks he will not score -You are on - Replies the second one. The attack goes through and the person scores. So the the first pole reaches for his wallet, but the second one stops him saying: -I cheated a little, this is a rerun I knew he'd score, keep your money. -I also watched the game before, though I am still surprised the goalie let the same goal happen twice.

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What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer?

What is the difference between a introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his feet when he talks to you. An extroverted engineer looks at YOUR feet when he talks to you!

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Lonely widow.

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said... Rang the doorbell didn't I?

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two groan worthy jokes I made up over breakfast

1.Q. What do you get when you cross a Triceratops and a lemon? A. A Dino-sour 2.Q. Were do robots go to worship? A. Mech-a

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I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.

That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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the bear and his list

It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor. The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list. Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?" Bear: "Yes, that's true." Deer: "And is my name on the list?" Bear: "Yep." In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head. Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave. Boar: "So there's your list..." Bear: "Yes, that's my list." Boar: "You know... is my name on it?" Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list." Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest. So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear. Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list." Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist." Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?" Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list." Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?" The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."

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Good one liner

You have a striking face.....how many times has it been struck?

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Why are there no Irish lawyers?

They can't pass the bar.

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How are American beer and making love in a canoe the same?

They're both fucking close to water.

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Did you hear about the leper on the trampoline?

He strained his leg. ^^^I'm ^^^sorry.

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Meanie-Pie Girl

I was working on a large amount of math homework in a group today, and one of the female participants was being prissy and in general a nuisance. So I patted her on the head. She says, 'Did you just pat me on the head?' So I say, "Yes, you were being mean so I was de-meaning you."

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The definition of mixed emotions...

My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car

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A good pun is hard to find, like a good steak...

*The medium's rarely well-done.*

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What is a Redneck virgin?

A 7-year-old that can run faster than her brothers!

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Did you hear about the photographer that got locked in his darkroom?

He died of exposure. It was not a pretty picture.

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Gay deer

A gay deer walks out of a bar and says "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks"

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A homeless man walks by a bar...

He sees a man sitting in front of a steaming bowl of chili. And the homeless man is so hungry he walks inside the bar and tells the man he's very hungry. The man at the bar just shoves the chili over to the homeless man and nods. The homeless man is surprised but starts eating right away, as he gets to the bottom of the bowl he sees a dead mouse. The homeless man throws up the chili back in the bowl. The man at the bar says "I did the same thing ten minutes ago".

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Bad Luck

I think my luck is getting worse. I was mugged by a Quaker.

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What is the difference between a gay mans mustache and a straight mans mustache?

Andwer: the smell.

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Why did the customer slap the cashier?

Because he was checking her out.

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A blonde, brunette, and a red head walk into a bar

Wow, these are great binoculars!

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A women goes to a dentist

She sits down and spreads her legs. "Im not sure im the right person for this" the dentist says. The women replies " I know, but you put my husbands dentures in and now your gonna take them out".

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You know what West Virginians say about dating, don't you?

The closer the kin, the better the skin.

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How many Firefly fans does it take to change a light bulb?

They wouldn't. They'd rather spend a decade bitching about how it went out.

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Heard this one liner at work today

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!

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Why did the Redneck cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

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a woman and her boyfriend

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'

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Two Grandma's Are Walking Down The Street...

One says to the other 'My chest is tight, and I feel heavy'. The other one replies 'That's because you're standing on your left titty.'.

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If a threesome is with 3 people...

If a threesome is with 3 people and a foursome is with 4 people I can see why they call you handsome.

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A man brought a dead animal onto a plane...

When the flight attendant asked what he was doing, he simply replied, "It's my carrion luggage!"

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A man is going to jump off a bridge...

...when a genie pops out of a lamp post. The genie says, "I can make your life worth living." "How can you possibly do that?", the man replies, "I hit my wife and only son in a drunk driving accident and they were killed instantly." The genie says, "Right before you jump off, say anything and I can grant you whatever it is you say instantly." The man thinks that he will wish his family back and gets a full speed running start. As he nears the edge he takes a flying jump and his knee catches the edge and he breaks his knee cap. As he's tumbling towards the ground below the man shouts in agony, "Ah, shit!"

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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side.

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A man named Chris

This guy called Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is tony home?" he asks. "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in" They sit down and Chris says, "You know Tina, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen, I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Tina thinks about this about this for a second and figures what the hell- a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see them together." Tine thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer, and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

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Seamus and Patrick were building a house.

Seamus was hammering the cladding onto the walls on one side of the house, while Patrick was doing the same on the other side. After a wee while Seamus begins to notice that Patrick was swearing away a good deal more than he usually did, so he decided to wander over to the other side of the house to see what was wrong. "Hey, Patrick, what's troubling you so mightily?" asked Seamus. "Well, you see, it's these nails," said Patrick, gesturing towards the bucket of nails sitting beside him. "A lot of them are faulty. When I pull one out, half the time it's facing the wrong way." "You idiot, Patrick!" said Seamus. "They're for my side of the house."

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A Drunk

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

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A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...

When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom. As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed. The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry. Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'

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Husband get back home from work asks wife

**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?" **Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check. She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

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A guy walks into a bar, all battered and bruised...

It looked like he'd just gone 10 rounds with the Klitschko brothers. Blood everywhere. "God's balls, son, what happened to you?" said the barman. "Well, I was about to come into the bar when I slipped on a dog turd on the pavement just outside," explained the customer. "But you're covered in bruises and blood," said the barman. "That can't have happened just from falling over." "Well, no," said the customer. "I'd picked myself up and was dusting off my jacket when a Hell's Angel came along and he slipped in the turd and fell over as well. So I told him "I just did that.'"

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A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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There was a black out last night.

Don't worry, we got him.

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What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?

Lenght of chimney x wind speed

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So a man walks into a bar...

And he sits down to have a drink, as he's drinking he spots a jar with money in it and asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender responds "oh its a challenge, if you can make the horse in the back laugh you can keep the money it's only five bucks to try." the man thinks about it and pays the five bucks. He comes back five seconds later with the horse laughing like crazy he picks up the jar and leaves. This went on for two more days and finally the bartender changes the challenge to making the horse cry. The man comes in and sees the change thinks about it and goes out, five seconds later he comes in and the horse is crying! Amazed the bartender asks "how did you do it" to which the man replies "on the first two days i told him my dick was bigger than his and today i showed him" :)

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A six sided man walks into a bar

A six sided man walks into a bar and orders a gon. The bartender says, "What the heck's a gon?"

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An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "You know, they'd be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time." The man says, "Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways, we promised each other that we'd drink this way in memory of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of my brothers and the third is for me." The bartender is touched, and says, "What a great custom!" The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders the same way. One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the bar for his second round, the bartender says, "Please accept my condolences, pal." The Irishman says, "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I just joined the Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking."

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New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

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So a ship is sinking and the captain radios for help to a near by ship, which happens to have a German captain. He says, "Help! We're sinking, we're sinking!"

To which the German captain replies "vat are you sinking about...?"

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Oldie but a Goodie

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

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Got this from my dad tonight...You know why they don't have CSI in Arkansas?

They don't have enough teeth for dental records, and they all have the same DNA.

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What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a boner??

He breaks his nose.

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If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...

...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.

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Chantelle has 756 friends on Facebook. She adds 122, what does she have?

Huge tits.

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Gold walks into a bar...

So gold walks into a bar and than the bartender says AU get out! I show myself out...

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The Fireman's bell system.

A man came home from work one day and told his wife how good his fireman job was when they used a bell system. He explained to her when bell 1 rang they slid down the firemans pole, bell 2 they grab thier jackets and bell 3 they were on the truck ready to go. He also told her he wanted to use the same system so when bell 1 rang she was to go straight to the room, when bell 2 rang she was to strip naked and when bell 3 rang she was to be lying on the bed with her legs in the air ready to go. When he came home the next day he rang the first bell and his wife went straight to the bedroom and then he rang the second so his wife stripped naked and then he rang the last bell and she was instantly lying on the bed with her legs in the air. After a few minutes his wife screams out bell 4, bell 4. A confused husband asks what’s bell 4? The wife replies, "you need more hose, more hose, you’re nowhere near the fire!

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How do you kill a thousand flies...

Slap a Kenyan in the face. Just heard it from a coworker...thought I share.

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A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...

St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven. The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots." So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five." The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10" "That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?" "Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."

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I stole this joke. But My dad loved it.

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and said "do u have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit said "no, why?". So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

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Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

...94 people died.

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So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

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Why are hippies against capitalism?

Because money doesn't grow on trees.

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A new recruit is sent to an outpost in the Jungle.

A new recruit is sent out in the jungle to a small outpost, where there are only a few other soldiers there, all of them experienced veterans. After a few weeks, the soldier begins to feel a little unsatisfied with his sex life, so he goes to ask the sergeant what he can do about it. The sergeant says, "Well, every Sunday, we go out into the jungle, find a bunch of female gorillas and have sex with them." The recruit is disgusted, and refuses to join the sergeant and the rest of the soldiers on Sunday. After a few more weeks, the recruit decides to finally join the rest of the soldiers on their trip to the gorillas, just to try it out. When they get there, all of the soldiers rush back in forth in order to grab a gorilla, leaving the recruit with only one. Suddenly, all of the soldiers start laughing at him. Not quite knowing why, the recruit yells,"Im not the only one having sex with a Gorilla!" The sergeant responds, "No, you just got the ugly one".

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Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941?

The Jews in 1942.

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A guy walks into a bar for the very first time...

As he sits down, the bartender makes him a deal. He can drink at his bar for free from then on if he first drinks and entire bottle of whiskey, pulls a single tooth from an alligator in the back of the bar, and gives a woman her first orgasm. The man proceeds to drink the entire bottle of whiskey before the bartender. Impressed, the bar tender shows the man to a room in the back with an alligator in it. After being in the room for a fairly long time, and after hearing several loud noises coming from the room, the man stumbles out of the room and says "Alright, where's the woman that needs her tooth pulled?!"

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You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

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What is formed at the end of mitosis?

My nailses

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A black man in north carolina decides to stop by a chicken restaurant...

To get something to eat. The restaurant is filled with white people, but the black man isn't too nervous. He goes to a waitress and asks for a seat, to which she replies, "Boy, we don't serve niggers here." He replies, "Well, that's great, because I don't eat niggers. I'll find my own seat." The man takes a seat in the middle of the restaurant and all of the white people are staring at him, all with degrees of unease and anger. The waitress brings out a full chicken and puts it in front of him. Before the black man can dig in, three white men, who happened to be named Ku, Klux, and Klan are at his table. One of them says: "Now listen boy what ever you do to that bird, we *will* do to you and truss us, we will get away with it." So the black man picks down his knife and fork, picks up the chicken...and kisses it.

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Bear with me...

A Russian man decides to take his son to the local pub to get shitfaced and meet the guys, as was tradition for a boy coming of age. The father sits the son down and explains to him that in order to be a real man he would have to complete three tasks. "First, you must drink this whole bottle of vodka." said the father. "Next you must make your way to the middle of the forest and shake a bears hand as you would a man's." the father continued. "The last task is to find Olga, the village prostitute and fuck her from behind." The son agreed and downed the whole bottle in three gulps. He then stumbled out of the pub as his father and friends cheered. Three hours passed and the father was beginning to get worried, just as the son stumbled his way back into the pub and yelled. "Father, I'm not finished I must still shake Olga's hand."

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A Ham Sandwich Walks Into A Bar ...

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender yells out, "Hey! We don't serve ham sandwiches here." To which the ham sandwich replies, "That's okay, I just wanted a drink."

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A Pirates life for me...

A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me loins, and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do" Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays" 1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?" Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"

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A mate of mine held up a sign that said 'BNAG'...

I said, "That's bang out of order!"

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Say what you want about Edward Scissorhands...

but I think he's a pretty sharp guy.

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The joke that made me subscribe to this subreddit:

I love being bipolar. It sucks.

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Two men walk into a bar..

The first one orders H^2 O And the second orders H^2 O too. The second man dies.

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A couple was on their honeymoon,

lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

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A blonde goes to Paris

A blonde was going on vacation to Paris and was going to fly there. She had ordered a seat in coach, but when the plane took off she went up and sat in first class. The flight attendant went up to her and told her - very politely - that she had to move back down to coach. The blonde looked at her and said: "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" The stewardess quickly went away. Then another flight attendant came up and said that she had to move back down to coach. And again the blonde said "I'm blonde, I'm hot and I can sit where-ever I want!" Now the two were in peril and were talking about what to do, when the pilot came back from his bathroom break. They told him what had happened, then nodded and said that he would take care of it. He then went into first class, walked up to the blonde's seat and said something to her. A second later the blonde got up, apologized and went down to coach again. The flight attendants immediately asked him, what he had said to make her go back to coach. The pilot smiled and said: "I just told first class didn't go to Paris."