Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	According to a recent survey on American sports...	1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for frontline workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. CONCLUSION The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...	...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus. I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Man with 5 penises	A man has 5 penises and when one of his friends found out, they asked him "How do your pants fit?" The man responded, "Like a glove".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Best Jokes	Edit: I would like to see what anyone else has. Lets keep this going with the best Joke you know. I will get this started with this gem This guy goes to alaska to get a job drilling oil. The put him in this little ass mining town with about 50 other dudes. He goes into the local bar and walkes over to the bartender and asks "Hey man this is a nice little town and all but what do you guys do for sex?" The bartender leans forward before saying "Well there is a road about a mile down this street that leads to a guy name Jim's. He has the tightest asshole in the whole town." The man is appaled and retorts "Oh hell no I do not like that shit no thanks." Well 6 months later ole boy is jonzing for some sex. So he visits that bar and goes to that bartender and quietly asks "So if i were to pay this Jim a visit who all would know?" The bartender replies "Well I would know, oh and John and Bob would know. " "Who is John and bob?" The man asks. The bartender replies "Oh thats the guys that go with you to hold down Jim, He dont like that shit either."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Italian in Brooklyn comes out of the closet to his mother,...	An Italian in Brooklyn comes out of the closet to his mother. He was really worried she would get angry with him, because she is quite an old school, off the boat type of Italian. So, immediately after he told his mother that he is gay - she started asking questions. "You are with-a man, yes?" asked the Italian mother. "Yes, and I love him," answered the son. "And-a, you kiss this man, yes?" the Italian mother continued. "Yes mama," replied the son. "And-a, you have sex with this man, yes?" further inquired the Italian mother. ",... yes,..." the son was starting to get nervous. "By putting-a his thing in you butt, yes?" the Italian mother was getting quite angry. ",... well,... yes mama,..." the son's nervousness increased. "And-a, then, after he putting-a his thing in you butt, he putting-a his thing in you mouth, yes??" "Mama,... yes,..." the son has turned bright red. And just then, the Italian mother smacks her son right across the face as hard as she could. "Well-a, dontchu dare-a EVER complain-a about my cooking-a, again!!" and she storms off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Shrapnel related jokes please?	My dad just took a piece of metal to his chest and it is imbedded in his skin. We have thought of all jokes possible relevant to the situation. He has a good sense of humor. We need more jokes. Please help me reddit!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does R.Kelly end a joke?	Ba dum piss
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So I took a vacation to a big city in South Korea...	... and I met this amazing girl. She was beautiful, and we had just about everything in common. 7 years after that vacation I can happily call her my wife. I think it's easy to say that we're Seoul mates.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?	His Feyonce.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize?	He's out standing in his field.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Little Johnny goes to his parents' room to say goodnight	He walks in and sees them having sex. They continue and Johnny runs out of the room. When they are finished, Johnny's mom tells the dad to talk to Johnny about what happened. The dad looks all over the house, but can't find Johnmy,. Finally, he goes in the kitchen and sees Johnny raping the grandmother. The dad tells "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Johnny says, "Don't like it when it's your mom, do you?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The trouble with having an Asian fetish AND a foot fetish...	You're bound to get off on the Wong foot.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did one banana say to another banana?	I find you a-peeling
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where is my goat?	There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man is walking past the mental hospital	through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Jewish feline?	A yama-cat
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...	One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed. Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Indian On The Road	I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Jewish friend was having trouble with his homework.....	I guess he needed more concentration.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An elephant and a mouse are walking through the jungle	As they are walking through the jungle, the mouse falls in a hole, and yells up to the elephant, "Mr. Elephant! Mr. Elephant! I need your help!" The elephant lowers his penis into the hole, and the mouse scurries up and gets out of the hole. They continue walking through the jungle, when the elephant falls into a hole. The elephant yells, "Mr. Mouse! Mr. Mouse! I need your help!" The mouse runs all the way through the jungle into town, gets in his Rolls Royce, drives back into the jungle, ties a rope to the car, throws it down to the elephant, and pulls the elephant out of the hole. Moral of the story? If you've got a Rolls Royce, you don't need a big dick.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?	Lots
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...	... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist. The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The person who invented knock knock jokes...	Deserves a no bell prize.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Time to be creative. I'll give you the punchline, you give me the joke!	A dresser without drawers.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A good one for parties	So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and I turn our backs. Then Greg goes over the fence and we are waiting and waiting and waiting... Finally we turn around and there is Greg, with his head stuck in the fence.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two ions are walking down the street...	the first one says I'm missing an electron. The second one asks "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A banana and a vibrator	were laying next to each other on a counter, with the vibrator buzzing away. The banana turns to the vibrator and says, “I dunno what you’re getting all worked up about. She’s gonna eat me.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Doctor	A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.	Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a walrus and tupperware have in common?	They both like a tight seal
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech...	From the father of the bride and groom.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two monkeys are in a bath.	Two monkeys are in a bath, the first monkey turns to the other and screams "Ooh ooh aaah aaah". The second monkey looks back and replies "You can put some cold in, if you like".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...	and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds. One man turns to the other and says: "You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20 stories down." "Bullshit!" Mac exclaims, "There's no way that would ever happen." "Alright then," the first man says, "I'll prove it." At this, he opens the designated window and steps out. Sure enough, he gently glides down 20 stories, round the building, and onto the platform below. He climbs in through the window and comes back up in the elevator. "See? I told you that would work," he says. "That's astounding!" Mac replies, "Let me try!" He walks up to the window, and jumps out, falling quickly to his death. The bartender turns to the first man and says: "You're such a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Chinese joke translated to English	A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played. In a corner, a rat is dancing too. Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing? Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only." "When did the lion become you brother?" The Rat: "Before marriage I was a lion too."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)	Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days. Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?" Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants. In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station. Bad news, a marijuana tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over. In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave. And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills". Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three-legged dog	A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The doctor has some bad news...	A patient goes to see the doctor. The doctor examines him, and then says, "I have bad news. You have cancer, as well as Alzheimer's." The patient says "well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word?	Yell "BINGO!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I always had the worst luck when I went fishing...	Until I caught a Flounder Yesterday. My dad said it was a Fluke
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy...	...I laughed my head off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...	An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds." "No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It’s far too expensive." "How ‘bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull. "Whose skull is that?" "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two fish are in a tank.	Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing? "
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford?	One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes and lines.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Don't trust atoms	They make up everything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was at a bar last night nursing a beer	But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two birds are sat on a perch.	Two birds are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Helium walks into a bar...	The bar man says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind!" Helium doesn't react.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Two, but how do they get in there?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My favorite joke, and very easy to personalize.	Three guys are on a casual walk one day when they pass by The Guinness Book of World Records corporate office. All three of them have the same idea. "It would be awesome to hold a world record for something!" So the first guy says, "I have big hands, I bet I have the worlds largest hands." He goes in and comes out a few minutes later with a plaque for the worlds largest hands. The next guy says, "I bet I have the worlds largest feet." And then he goes in and comes out smiling with a plaque for the worlds largest feet. Finally, the last guy says, "I bet I have the worlds smallest penis." So he goes in the the office and comes out a few minutes later with a dejected look on his face. The guy with the biggest hands says, "what happened? I thought you for sure had the smallest penis." The guy replies, "I don't know. Who the fuck is (put in friends name)?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is Kim Jung Un so upset?	because he has no Seoul
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you say to a guy with kidney stones?	Urine trouble!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?	Your parents would know! * My friend said this to me since I'm an only child *
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Is it just me...	Or are circles pointless
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...	...it'll be a vacuum!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my upvotes like I like my women. ..	One at a time and not very often.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	ITALIAN MUSTACHES	WHY DO MOST ITALIAN MEN HAVE MUSTACHES? A: SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE MOM
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was wondering why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation...	Then I saw a dragon and I fucking shit myself.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was walking into Best Buy...	When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Herpes	A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Grandpa was remembering as a boy	his Momma would give him a $1 bill to go and get groceries at the corner store. "I'd haul back 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 1/2 dozen eggs. But now, sadly, you can't do that. Too many fucking security cameras!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Child Didn't Attend School	Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. You should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother?	I genuinely care about your mother.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar....	...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb?	It's a secret!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Shopping for Melons	My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons". I guess it was the honey dew list.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If a man stands alone in a forest...	If a man stands alone in a forest, with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Buddhist walks over to a hotdog stand	He goes to the vendor and says "Make me one with everything."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why didn't the buddhist accept the Nitrous Oxide for his root canal?	Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? (From a comment in this subredit)	YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that 'ends with a bang.'	I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There are 10 kinds of people in the world...	Those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?	How the hell did they get inside a light bulb?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A little boy asks a middle-aged gentleman for the time	The gentleman looks at his watch and says, "It's ten minutes to three." The boy says, "Well, at 3:00, you can kiss my ass!" He sprints off, cackling maniacally, as the gentleman starts chasing him angrily. They round a corner and the gentleman almost knocks over a passerby. After the gentleman stops and apologizes for running into him, the passerby asks, "Wait, why are you chasing a little kid, anyway?" The gentleman says, "That little punk told me that at 3:00, I could kiss his ass!" The passerby checks his watch and says, "What's the rush? You've still got ten minutes."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer?	He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two men at the Olympics	Two men are at the Olympics. One man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?" The second man responds, "Nope, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents	Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I once dated a girl who said she was turned on by "Black eyes"	So I punched her in the face. Turns out I heard her wrong.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Trying to date someone that doesn't like you is like going to the DMV...	...you get the run-around all day, get frustrated, and when they finally do call your number, you don't feel satisfied, you're just glad its over.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the politician with a cold talk about at his meeting?	The important tissues. (I know it sucks, I just made it up)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How was copper wire invented?	Two Jews found the same penny!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Good animal joke	A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	classic germans	Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is a KKK member's favorite board game?	CROSS fire
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The fur problem	A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...	A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech: "Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?" "Roof!" Says the dog. "Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" Again, the dog says "Roof!" "Remarkable! So what do you think?" The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act." Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Talking dog	Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!". The horses are clearly amazed. "Fuck me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Woof	A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins?	Society
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Vietnam	Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...	...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep. The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may sound quite strange to you though, so please bear with me for a moment." The patient coughs again. "I'll try anything, doc." The doctor sits down across from him. "About two years ago I read a remarkable paper from a colleague of mine. There's a little-known resort town in Florida that's built up a boardwalk along the ocean as an entertainment destination. Like a smaller version of Atlantic City's famous Steel Pier. Anyway, one of the attractions there was a very small zoo. Only a few animals, but some happened to be members of the great ape family. The veterinarian who took care of these apes noticed that they had unusually healthy lung capacity. He compared test results with other zoos all around the world, even in the apes' native countries. Nowhere else did they have healthier lungs. And while it hasn't been conclusively proven yet, I believe the sea breeze in this one specific area has some kind of cleansing effect on lung tissue. I've recommended to several patients that they spend a week-long vacation there. Everyone who's done so has come back and told me that they had a fantastic time and their condition has cleared up 100%. How does that sound?" The patient rubs his chin in thought. "Sounds better than cough syrup," he admits. "Though I gotta say, I'm not too keen on traveling to any place known for its gorilla wharf air."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...	But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If at first you don't succeed...	...skydiving is not for you!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	3 drunk men	Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they’re drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, “We’re here!” The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, “Thanks,” but the third guy angrily smacks the cabbie’s head. “What was that for?” asks the cabbie, afraid he’s been caught. “That,” says the passenger, “is for driving so fast!”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The intelligent dog	Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued. “Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary. I’ve never seen anything like it!” “Yes, he’s surprised me, too,” said the owner. “He hated the book.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Record for the world's smallest penis?	Must be hard to beat.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination?	HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between acne and catholic priests?	Acne waits until you've hit puberty to come on your face.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If apple made a car...	Would it have windows?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a son goes up to his dad one day looking very sheepish.	He finally works up the courage and looks his father in the eyes and says, "Dad, I think I'm gay." Now the father is shocked by all this but he says to his son, "Now that's quite a thought. Know that I'll love you no matter what, but I have to ask, why is it you think you're gay" The son replies, "Dad, I'm attracted to Bruce Campbell" The father looks at him with the biggest smile on his face and starts laughing with tears in his eyes. He looks at his son and says, "Oh my son, you're not gay, you're just human!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Proper Manners	During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

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According to a recent survey on American sports...

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for frontline workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. CONCLUSION The higher you are in the corporate structure the smaller your balls become.

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus. I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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Man with 5 penises

A man has 5 penises and when one of his friends found out, they asked him "How do your pants fit?" The man responded, "Like a glove".

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Best Jokes

Edit: I would like to see what anyone else has. Lets keep this going with the best Joke you know. I will get this started with this gem This guy goes to alaska to get a job drilling oil. The put him in this little ass mining town with about 50 other dudes. He goes into the local bar and walkes over to the bartender and asks "Hey man this is a nice little town and all but what do you guys do for sex?" The bartender leans forward before saying "Well there is a road about a mile down this street that leads to a guy name Jim's. He has the tightest asshole in the whole town." The man is appaled and retorts "Oh hell no I do not like that shit no thanks." Well 6 months later ole boy is jonzing for some sex. So he visits that bar and goes to that bartender and quietly asks "So if i were to pay this Jim a visit who all would know?" The bartender replies "Well I would know, oh and John and Bob would know. " "Who is John and bob?" The man asks. The bartender replies "Oh thats the guys that go with you to hold down Jim, He dont like that shit either."

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An Italian in Brooklyn comes out of the closet to his mother,...

An Italian in Brooklyn comes out of the closet to his mother. He was really worried she would get angry with him, because she is quite an old school, off the boat type of Italian. So, immediately after he told his mother that he is gay - she started asking questions. "You are with-a man, yes?" asked the Italian mother. "Yes, and I love him," answered the son. "And-a, you kiss this man, yes?" the Italian mother continued. "Yes mama," replied the son. "And-a, you have sex with this man, yes?" further inquired the Italian mother. ",... yes,..." the son was starting to get nervous. "By putting-a his thing in you butt, yes?" the Italian mother was getting quite angry. ",... well,... yes mama,..." the son's nervousness increased. "And-a, then, after he putting-a his thing in you butt, he putting-a his thing in you mouth, yes??" "Mama,... yes,..." the son has turned bright red. And just then, the Italian mother smacks her son right across the face as hard as she could. "Well-a, dontchu dare-a EVER complain-a about my cooking-a, again!!" and she storms off.

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Shrapnel related jokes please?

My dad just took a piece of metal to his chest and it is imbedded in his skin. We have thought of all jokes possible relevant to the situation. He has a good sense of humor. We need more jokes. Please help me reddit!

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How does R.Kelly end a joke?

Ba dum *piss*

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So I took a vacation to a big city in South Korea...

... and I met this amazing girl. She was beautiful, and we had just about everything in common. 7 years after that vacation I can happily call her my wife. I think it's easy to say that we're Seoul mates.

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What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

His Feyonce.

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Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize?

He's out standing in his field.

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Little Johnny goes to his parents' room to say goodnight

He walks in and sees them having sex. They continue and Johnny runs out of the room. When they are finished, Johnny's mom tells the dad to talk to Johnny about what happened. The dad looks all over the house, but can't find Johnmy,. Finally, he goes in the kitchen and sees Johnny raping the grandmother. The dad tells "SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Johnny says, "Don't like it when it's your mom, do you?"

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The trouble with having an Asian fetish AND a foot fetish...

You're bound to get off on the Wong foot.

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What did one banana say to another banana?

I find you a-peeling

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Where is my goat?

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

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A man is walking past the mental hospital

through the board fence he hears the nuts inside chanting, thirteen...thirteen...thirteen. Curious, peeks through a knot hole and someone pokes him in the eye! As he jumps back in pain he hears the nuts start chanting, fourteen...fourteen...fourteen.

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What do you call a Jewish feline?

A yama-cat

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Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed. Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."

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Indian On The Road

I'm driving from Santa Fe to Albuquerque when I see an American Indian lying on the road with his ear to the ground. Curious, I pull over, walk up to him and ask, "Excuse me, what are you doing?" He says, "Silver 1991 Chevy station wagon, one man, one woman, two children". I say, "Wow, you can tell all that just by listening to the road?" He says, "Heck no, they just ran me over".

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My Jewish friend was having trouble with his homework.....

I guess he needed more concentration.

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An elephant and a mouse are walking through the jungle

As they are walking through the jungle, the mouse falls in a hole, and yells up to the elephant, "Mr. Elephant! Mr. Elephant! I need your help!" The elephant lowers his penis into the hole, and the mouse scurries up and gets out of the hole. They continue walking through the jungle, when the elephant falls into a hole. The elephant yells, "Mr. Mouse! Mr. Mouse! I need your help!" The mouse runs all the way through the jungle into town, gets in his Rolls Royce, drives back into the jungle, ties a rope to the car, throws it down to the elephant, and pulls the elephant out of the hole. Moral of the story? If you've got a Rolls Royce, you don't need a big dick.

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What do you have to know to be an auctioneer?

Lots

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A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head...

... a fried egg on each shoulder, and a piece of bacon over each ear. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist. The man said: "I'm worried about my brother."

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The person who invented knock knock jokes...

Deserves a no bell prize.

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Time to be creative. I'll give you the punchline, you give me the joke!

A dresser without drawers.

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A good one for parties

So Steve, Greg, and I (put friends names in of course) were walking down a dirt road when we saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. We are all thinking the same thing so I go and have my way with it and they turn their backs. After I am done Steve goes and has his way with it, while Greg and I turn our backs. Then Greg goes over the fence and we are waiting and waiting and waiting... Finally we turn around and there is Greg, with his head stuck in the fence.

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Two ions are walking down the street...

the first one says I'm missing an electron. The second one asks "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive"

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A banana and a vibrator

were laying next to each other on a counter, with the vibrator buzzing away. The banana turns to the vibrator and says, “I dunno what you’re getting all worked up about. She’s gonna eat me.”

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A Doctor

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day's activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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What does a walrus and tupperware have in common?

They both like a tight seal

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As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech...

From the father of the bride and groom.

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Two monkeys are in a bath.

Two monkeys are in a bath, the first monkey turns to the other and screams "Ooh ooh aaah aaah". The second monkey looks back and replies "You can put some cold in, if you like".

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building...

and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds. One man turns to the other and says: "You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20 stories down." "Bullshit!" Mac exclaims, "There's no way that would ever happen." "Alright then," the first man says, "I'll prove it." At this, he opens the designated window and steps out. Sure enough, he gently glides down 20 stories, round the building, and onto the platform below. He climbs in through the window and comes back up in the elevator. "See? I told you that would work," he says. "That's astounding!" Mac replies, "Let me try!" He walks up to the window, and jumps out, falling quickly to his death. The bartender turns to the first man and says: "You're such a jerk when you're drunk, Superman"

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A Chinese joke translated to English

A lion is getting married in jungle. There is a big bash and all animals are dancing to the tune of loud music being played. In a corner, a rat is dancing too. Rat is asked, "Hey! Why are you dancing? Rat replied, "It's my brother's marriage, so only." "When did the lion become you brother?" The Rat: "Before marriage I was a lion too."

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Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days. Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?" Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants. In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station. Bad news, a marijuana tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over. In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave. And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills". Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.

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Three-legged dog

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon and says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

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The doctor has some bad news...

A patient goes to see the doctor. The doctor examines him, and then says, "I have bad news. You have cancer, as well as Alzheimer's." The patient says "well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's."

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How do you get three old ladies to say the "F" word?

Yell "BINGO!"

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I always had the worst luck when I went fishing...

Until I caught a Flounder Yesterday. My dad said it was a Fluke

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When the doctors diagnosed me with leprosy...

...I laughed my head off.

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An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds." "No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It’s far too expensive." "How ‘bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull. "Whose skull is that?" "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

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Two fish are in a tank.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing? "

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What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford?

One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes *and* lines.

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Don't trust atoms

They make up everything.

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I was at a bar last night nursing a beer

But I stopped after an hour because my nipple was getting too soggy

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Two birds are sat on a perch.

Two birds are sat on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"

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Helium walks into a bar...

The bar man says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind!" Helium doesn't react.

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How many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but how do they get in there?

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My favorite joke, and very easy to personalize.

Three guys are on a casual walk one day when they pass by The Guinness Book of World Records corporate office. All three of them have the same idea. "It would be awesome to hold a world record for something!" So the first guy says, "I have big hands, I bet I have the worlds largest hands." He goes in and comes out a few minutes later with a plaque for the worlds largest hands. The next guy says, "I bet I have the worlds largest feet." And then he goes in and comes out smiling with a plaque for the worlds largest feet. Finally, the last guy says, "I bet I have the worlds smallest penis." So he goes in the the office and comes out a few minutes later with a dejected look on his face. The guy with the biggest hands says, "what happened? I thought you for sure had the smallest penis." The guy replies, "I don't know. Who the fuck is (put in friends name)?"

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Why is Kim Jung Un so upset?

because he has no Seoul

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What do you say to a guy with kidney stones?

Urine trouble!

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What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?

Your parents would know! * My friend said this to me since I'm an only child *

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Is it just me...

Or are circles pointless

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If Microsoft ever makes a product that doesn't suck...

...it'll be a vacuum!

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I like my upvotes like I like my women. ..

One at a time and not very often.

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ITALIAN MUSTACHES

WHY DO MOST ITALIAN MEN HAVE MUSTACHES? A: SO THEY CAN LOOK LIKE MOM

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I was wondering why my doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation...

Then I saw a dragon and I fucking shit myself.

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I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

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Herpes

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"

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Grandpa was remembering as a boy

his Momma would give him a $1 bill to go and get groceries at the corner store. "I'd haul back 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 1/2 dozen eggs. But now, sadly, you can't do that. Too many fucking security cameras!"

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A Child Didn't Attend School

Late afternoon, the grandma saw the teacher walking up their driveway. She asked her grandson, "Did you leave school early today?" He hung his head and admitted, "Yes Grandma." The grandma thought it was hilarious and assured him saying she would tell the teacher that she hadn't seen him all day. "Maybe you should go hide," she suggested. "Oh no, Grandma. *You* should hide, not me!" Surprised, she asked why. The grandson said, "I told the teacher you died!"

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What's the difference in Xbox One and your mother?

I genuinely care about your mother.

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A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says... "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

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How many Freemasons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a secret!

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Shopping for Melons

My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was "melons". I guess it was the honey dew list.

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If a man stands alone in a forest...

If a man stands alone in a forest, with no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

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A Buddhist walks over to a hotdog stand

He goes to the vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

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Why didn't the buddhist accept the Nitrous Oxide for his root canal?

Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? (From a comment in this subredit)

YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

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A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that 'ends with a bang.'

I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop.

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world...

Those who understand hexadecimal and F the rest.

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How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How the hell did they get inside a light bulb?

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A little boy asks a middle-aged gentleman for the time

The gentleman looks at his watch and says, "It's ten minutes to three." The boy says, "Well, at 3:00, you can kiss my ass!" He sprints off, cackling maniacally, as the gentleman starts chasing him angrily. They round a corner and the gentleman almost knocks over a passerby. After the gentleman stops and apologizes for running into him, the passerby asks, "Wait, why are you chasing a little kid, anyway?" The gentleman says, "That little punk told me that at 3:00, I could kiss his ass!" The passerby checks his watch and says, "What's the rush? You've still got ten minutes."

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You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer?

He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.

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Two men at the Olympics

Two men are at the Olympics. One man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?" The second man responds, "Nope, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

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An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents

Her mother says: "You bring great Shamus to this family."

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I once dated a girl who said she was turned on by "Black eyes"

So I punched her in the face. Turns out I heard her wrong.

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Trying to date someone that doesn't like you is like going to the DMV...

...you get the run-around all day, get frustrated, and when they finally do call your number, you don't feel satisfied, you're just glad its over.

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What did the politician with a cold talk about at his meeting?

The important tissues. (I know it sucks, I just made it up)

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How was copper wire invented?

Two Jews found the same penny!

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Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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classic germans

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

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What is a KKK member's favorite board game?

CROSS fire

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The fur problem

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass with it.

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Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech: "Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?" "Roof!" Says the dog. "Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" Again, the dog says "Roof!" "Remarkable! So what do you think?" The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act." Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

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Talking dog

Some racehorses were staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!" Another horse breaks in, "Well out of my last 27 races, I've won 19!" "Oh that's good, but out of my last 36 races, I've won 28," says another, flicking his tail.At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting nearby listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but out of MY last 90 races, I've won 88!". The horses are clearly amazed. "Fuck me!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

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Woof

A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."

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A Mexican , a black guy , an arab and A Jew Jump out of a plane....who wins?

Society

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Vietnam

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep. The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may sound quite strange to you though, so please bear with me for a moment." The patient coughs again. "I'll try anything, doc." The doctor sits down across from him. "About two years ago I read a remarkable paper from a colleague of mine. There's a little-known resort town in Florida that's built up a boardwalk along the ocean as an entertainment destination. Like a smaller version of Atlantic City's famous Steel Pier. Anyway, one of the attractions there was a very small zoo. Only a few animals, but some happened to be members of the great ape family. The veterinarian who took care of these apes noticed that they had unusually healthy lung capacity. He compared test results with other zoos all around the world, even in the apes' native countries. Nowhere else did they have healthier lungs. And while it hasn't been conclusively proven yet, I believe the sea breeze in this one specific area has some kind of cleansing effect on lung tissue. I've recommended to several patients that they spend a week-long vacation there. Everyone who's done so has come back and told me that they had a fantastic time and their condition has cleared up 100%. How does that sound?" The patient rubs his chin in thought. "Sounds better than cough syrup," he admits. "Though I gotta say, I'm not too keen on traveling to any place known for its gorilla wharf air."

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I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end...

But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

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If at first you don't succeed...

...skydiving is not for you!

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3 drunk men

Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they’re drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, “We’re here!” The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, “Thanks,” but the third guy angrily smacks the cabbie’s head. “What was that for?” asks the cabbie, afraid he’s been caught. “That,” says the passenger, “is for driving so fast!”

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The intelligent dog

Roxy, a large black Labrador, was sitting up in his seat at the movies, wagging his tail, growling at the villain and barking excitedly at the hero’s escapades. The woman in the seat behind him was intrigued. “Excuse me,” she said, tapping Roxy’s owner on the shoulder, “that dog is extraordinary. I’ve never seen anything like it!” “Yes, he’s surprised me, too,” said the owner. “He hated the book.”

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Record for the world's smallest penis?

Must be hard to beat.

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What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination?

HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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What's the difference between acne and catholic priests?

Acne waits until you've hit puberty to come on your face.

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If apple made a car...

Would it have windows?

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So a son goes up to his dad one day looking very sheepish.

He finally works up the courage and looks his father in the eyes and says, "Dad, I think I'm gay." Now the father is shocked by all this but he says to his son, "Now that's quite a thought. Know that I'll love you no matter what, but I have to ask, why is it you think you're gay" The son replies, "Dad, I'm attracted to Bruce Campbell" The father looks at him with the biggest smile on his face and starts laughing with tears in his eyes. He looks at his son and says, "Oh my son, you're not gay, you're just human!"

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Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"