Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.	Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians. Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!" One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!" You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?	Elephino. (You may have to sound it out.)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Statue of Two Lovers	Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to life for 1 hour." The two, now living, statues look at each other, and run off, hand in hand, giggling into the woods. 30 minutes later, flushed with excitement, they return. The angel says, "You don't have to be back yet, you have another 30 minutes!" The male statute looks and the female statute and says, "Great! This time, you hold the pigeon down, and Ill shit on its head!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One of my favourites	A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, "Pig!" The man yells back, "Bitch!" The man drives around the corner, crashes into a hug pig in the middle of the road, and dies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the pig go into the kitchen?	It felt like bacon.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A bartender at a lakeside bar notices an old man sitting alone and crying into his beer...	Being curious, the bartender walks over to the old man and asks, “Hey pal, why the long face?” The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no." The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No... No... But you fuck ONE goat...”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call some one with no body and no nose?	Nobody knows.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)	A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. "Come back two years from now on March 17th," he says. The woman consults her calendar. "Morning or afternoon?" she asks. "What difference does it make?" the surly dealer replies. "That's two years from now!" "The plumber is coming that day," she says.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...	... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?	Huge tits. Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	3 idiot brothers are trying out for a job as a police detective...	so the officer gives them a test. They are given a side profile head shot of a robber and they are asked how they will recognize him outside. The first brother says, 'This guy has only one eye', the officer sighs and says that it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot. The second brother says, 'This guy only has one ear', the officer sighs again and says it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot too. The third brother thinks for a long while, and says 'He is wearing contacts'. The officer is stunned by this sudden sign of clarity and checks his dossier. True enough, the robber does wear contacts. Impressed, he hires the third brother on the spot. Curious to know how he figured out the robber wears contacts, the officer asks the third brother. The third brother flush with victory, responds haughtily, 'Why its simple really, if the man only has one ear and one eye, how can he wear glasses?'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Drunk guy in a bar, next to him some twins.	The guy stares at them really confused for quite a while until of the twin finally says to him "It's okay, you are not that drunk. We are twins". To which the guy responds: "What, all four of you?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the depressed plankton do?	It krilled iself!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	so a cheetah and a lion decide to have a race	The cheetah wins and the lion says "you're a Cheetah" the Cheetah says 'nah you're Lion'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call two Mexican firefighters?	Hose A and Hose B
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the baker have so many customers?	He desperately kneaded the dough!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...	So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	a man goes to japan on a business trip	...and he is bored on his first night so he hires a prostitute. she comes to his room and he furiously screws her. the entire time, she is saying "hoshi mota HOSHI MOTA HOOOSSHIIII MOTAAAAA!!!!!!!" he thought the sex was wonderful. the next day, after a business meeting, he goes to play golf with his business partners, and happens to score a hole in one. everyone is congradulating him in japanese, and he has nothing else to say, so he says "hoshi mota" his partner looks at him with a confused look on his face and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.	Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A tornado is a lot like having an affair.	At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Topical Jokes (5/19)	Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes. First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as that may seem, it's not near as bad when you learn Biden only found out and understood the scandal once Obama reenacted what he saw on the news with sock puppets. Let's back off the heavy stuff and break into some fun (Reddit-friendly) news. Following in the footsteps of "Uggie", a cat is now the breakout star of the Cannes film festival. The cat won over audiences with his brave performance in the upcoming summer thriller, "Terminator 5: Rise of the Laser Pointers". More entertainment news, Kanye West revealed his new album is titled "Yeezus". Reminding us all of that crucial Bible verse where Jesus told his disciples, "Now, I ain't sayin' she's a frankincense-fracker, but she ain't messin' with no broke Messianic cr*cker." This is a strange story, a new study has discovered that brain shock therapy can boost math skill. So, if you're still afraid of math, don't worry, just let us glue some large electrodes to your face... Some funny news. Just today, the Pope admitted he occasionally sleeps during mass - and sometimes if he's feeling extra lazy and doesn't even want to show up, he'll just call in possessed. That is it for now but I'll come back if anything else good pops up today. Thanks for checking out my stuff - I really appreciate it! Once again, if you're of the mind to hear more from me... https://twitter.com/boydstantinople
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...	...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Scientists decide they don't need God.	Some time in the future, not to terribly long from now there is a big scientist convention. At this convention they decide that there is no need for God anymore, scientists can do everything that God can do. So they choose a delegate to find God and inform Him of their decision and kindly ask Him to go do something else. The delegate sets out in search for God. For forty years he wanders the world exclaiming out loud, "God!! Where are you, we need to talk." Eventually God gets tired of this guy's haranguing, takes pity on him. He forms a body and goes before the scientist. "God, " trembles the scientist, "I've been chosen to tell you that since people can do everything you can do, we don't need you anymore." "Really," says God. "Yes. We can make new animals from base materials, change matter to energy, control the weather, heal illnesses and injuries. I could even make a person." "Okay," says God, "let's have a little test, Show me that you can make a man." God and the scientist are suddenly surrounded by all the apparatus of a modern laboratory. The scientist agrees, and reaches down to pick up a handful of dirt. "STOP." shouts the Lord. "You get your own dirt!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad."	That spider never knew what hit it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman and a Rabbi	So, an old woman goes to her Rabbi and says "I just won a hundred million dollars in the lottery!" Her Rabbi Replies "That is wonderful, what are you going to do with all that money?" "First, I'm going to donate twenty five million dollars to charity." "You will do so much good with that money" The Rabbi says "Then, I will keep twenty five million for myself." To which the Rabbi says "You deserve the money, you have done so much good in your life." "The rest of the money will be for building a gold statue of Hitler." The Rabbi furiously replies "But he has done so much evil to our people, why would you do such a thing?" The old woman pointed at her wrist and says "He gave me the winning numbers."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A clean shirt	A man is drinking at the bar, he pukes all over himself and turns to the bartender, "bartender you gotta help me out, my wife is going to kill me if I come home like this." The bartender replies "No problem, do you have 10 bucks? Just put that in your shirt pocket and tell her you were working late and on your way home a drunk guy threw up on you and gave you the $10 to have your shirt cleaned and pressed." Delighted the man continues drinking and later leaves. When he gets home his wife is furious, accuses him of drinking all night. The man tells her how he was working late and a drunk threw up on him and gave him the 10 dollars to have his shirt cleaned and pressed. He pulls the bill out of his pocket as proof. His wife snatches it and says "but this is a $20!" ... "oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I don't trust Bonsai trees.	They are a little shady.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How is a 9 Volt Battery similar to an Anus?	You know you shouldn't, but eventually you're gunna lick it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a prostitute after a 12 hour shift?	A box of assorted creams.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A boy calls 911.	911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help! 911 asks, "What's the emergency?" The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911 responds, "Is that a problem?" The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?	I pity the stool!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing dark-green Lycra and carrying a naked woman on his back...	... "What are you two supposed to be?" asks someone. "Oh," he replies. "I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Mortal Kombat and a Helsinki church have in common?	Finnish hymns
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...	so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!" The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?" The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea." Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me an idiot and a bigot. Honestly I don't get why telling this joke makes me an idiot. I'm also not a bigot. If you don't like the joke, then instead of complaining about it, refer to the sidebar. > Note: If you are offended by a joke, you have two options: You can man up and understand this is a subreddit dedicated to jokes, OR You can go to /r/shitredditsays and whine like the baby you are. Or the newly created /r/cleanjokes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do <school name> cheerleaders and a shotgun have in common?	Give them 2 cocks and they'll blow.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three men in the desert find a genie...	Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink. One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat.	But I can pull a hair out of my ass.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A lawyer was questioning a doctor...	A lawyer was cross-examining a doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said."I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer,"When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Whats your best "This is so bad that ____" joke?	For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do people in Prague call abortions?	Canceled Czechs
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you do to an elephant with three balls?	Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three guys are stuck in a desert	. . . When they come upon a house in the desert. They go up to the door and knock on it, and are greeted by a disgustingly ugly old woman. They ask her if she can help them leave the desert, to which she replies "Yes, I'll give you my jeep in the back, but only if you have sex with me". The first man, being brave, says "OK, I'll go have sex with you", but when she gets naked, the man is so disgusted by her that he runs out of the house and back to the other two guys. The next guy says that he will go and do it, so he goes up to her and says that he will have sex with her, but he too, runs away when she takes her clothes off. So the last man, in desperation, goes in to do the deed. But when he enters, he notices three cobs of corn on the kitchen table. So he tells the woman to lay on the table and close her eyes and never open them. He proceeds to fuck her with the corn on the cob and when she finishes, he throws the corn out the window. The woman, extremely happy, says that if he has sex with her again, that she will give him a million dollars. So he proceeds to fuck her with the second ear of corn. When she finishes again, he throws the corn out the window again. The woman then says that if he does it one last time, that she will give him the deed to a house in the Bahamas. So he uses the last ear of corn to fuck her again, and when she finishes he throws the corn out the window. The woman says that the keys to the jeep are in the ignition, and the deed and the money are in the back seat. The man runs out the door and tells the guys where the stuff is. Then the first guy says to him "I don't know about you man, but we just had the best three pieces of buttered corn in the whole world!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Retirement bonus	The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Mexican child?	A paragraph, because he isn't yet an ése.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Exit signs.	They are on their way out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the murder mystery porno?	In the end, everyone did it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.	The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here." The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!" Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick. "Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?	He worked it out with a pencil.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away...	At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What was the Walrus doing in the Tupperware store?	Looking for the tight seal
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Chess Set	"I'd like to buy this chess set please" "How will you be paying, sir?" "Check mate"..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Business Trip [NSFW]	A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies. The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Have you ever smelled mothballs before?	How did you get the little legs apart?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	God is in an argument with Jehovah...	about which one of their faiths is the true one. "That's it, I've had it with this! I am taking the matter to the supreme court." he said "I'd like to see you try." said Jehovah. "I have witnesses."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	a child is walking with a stick	when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?	(choking sounds)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	MOOMFA!!!	So two male explorers are wandering on a foreign island and are suddenly both rendered unconscious. When they wake up, they find themselves tied up and sitting on the ground in front of some native people of the island. One of the natives, which appears to be the chieftain, says something in foreign tongue, which the explorers do not understand. A translator appears and asks the explorers a question. "Death? Or Moomfa?" To this one of the explorers replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure anything is better than death... Ill take Moomfa!" Chatter erupts from the entire village with the word, "Moomfa" sprouting everywhere. The explorer is taken over to a log, and is stripped of clothing. To which the ENTIRE village has their way with him. Once done, the natives untie him, and let him walk away shuddering and puking. The chief then says the same native words, which is then translated again. "Death? Or Moomfa?!" "Oh... nononononono! I'll take death!!!" Chief mutters some new words. Translator says, "Okay, DEATH BY MOOMFA!!!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite band?	The Doors.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A little boy at a wedding...	A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An old man on his porch	An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A redhead a, a brunette and a blonde are trying to hide from a farmer who's chasing them	They run into his barn and look for places to hide. The redhead hides behind the farmer's cow, the brunette hides behind the farmer's horse and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes. The farmer manages to track them down to the barn, runs in and cocks his shotgun. "Is there anyone behind the cow?" he asks. "Moooooooooo," the redhead replies. "Okay, is there anybody behind the horse?" he inquires. "Neeeeiiiiiigh," goes the brunette. Satisfied that nobody is behind the horse or the cow he asks, "Okay, is their anybody behind the sack of potatoes?" So the blonde replies, "Pooootaaaatttoooo."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Can a ninja bring a ninja star into the airport?	Shuriken.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can kayak	Canoe?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two guys go moose hunting.....	A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory?	Two test-tickles.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.	You can imagine my disappointment.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Topical Jokes (5/17)	Hey, folks! Back again to fill you all in on what wonderfully weird stuff happened today. And so it begins... Start from the gutter, a California doctor suggested his patient give oral sex to cure her gag reflex - and you do NOT want to know what he suggested she do to unplug her bowel obstruction. Alright, let's get to important stuff. President Obama is now trying to wield some of his charm to keep control during the AP hacking scandal. So far, his most charming and touching remark was, "You know, baby? Sometimes I hack your phone just so I can hear the sound of your voice". More Obama criticism, President Obama caused a stir when he required two marines to hold his umbrella for him during a particularly stormy press conference. Even worse later that day when Biden had three marines check under his bed for thunder monsters. Pseudo-political, a recent study found that men with bigger biceps tended to side with the GOP on fiscal policy - mainly because it's hard not to get buff when you just wrote out 35,000 tax loopholes on a single bill. It's time to get out of politics! I should bring this up, the Cannes Film Festival was reportedly hit with a $1,000,000 jewelry heist. Apparently, robbers made out with Meryl Streep's Tiffany necklace and Jack Nicholson's diamond penis stud he calls "Trim for My Holly-woody". End with a pun? Why not? I hope you enjoyed the jokes and - if you didn't - there will be more in the future that will surely pull your heartstrings. See you tomorrow! EDIT: Typos eliminated via /u/riddles500
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy moves into a new neighborhood...	And a redneck knocks on the door. The guy opens and the redneck says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!" The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The redneck replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Russian joke.	A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor. "Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off" "Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do philosophical dolphins say?	What's the porpoise?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?	...she shattered his jaw!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jesus	One day, a cop was driving along when a car just whizzed past him. He turns on his siren and chases him down. Once the cop finally pulls over the car, he walks up and sees Pastor Brown, the pastor at his town's church. Upon peering into Pastor Brown's car he notices a suspicious bottle. The cop says "Pastor, what's in that bottle?" To which the Pastor replies "Just water, officer." So the cop, being a cop, takes a sip of the liquid to see if he's lying or not. But it's not water...it's wine! So the cop says "Hey this is wine!" And the pastor replies "Oh Jesus must be at it again!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I went to the Zoo today, only animal there was a dog...	It was a Shih Tzu
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The day after Beethoven's funeral	The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could hear the sound too (even the sober ones). Soon, a crowd was forming at the graveyard. The mayor, who was very familiar with classical music, recognized the sound as Beethoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. When it ended, Beethoven's 8th Symphony started playing, also backwards, and then the 7th, and then the 6th, and so forth. At dawn, having reached a conclusion, the mayor said to the gathering crowd: "There's nothing to fear, gentlemen. He's just decomposing."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary .....	As the wife stands naked in front of her husband she says 'Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?' Husband replies 'Yes, I said I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out'. The wife says 'And looking at me now, what do you think?' The husband looks at his naked wife and says 'I think I did a pretty good job'.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between an all girls soccer team and a tribe of pygmies?	One is a bunch of cunning runts.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Just out of curiosity, does anyone here use RES?	Because I'm really wishing that they'd changed the 'Hide Child Comments' button for the Chris Hansen AMA.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I had an Epiphany while in the strip club...	... but I don't think that was her real name.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jokes/Puns!	1. What kind of birds always stick together? VEL CROWS. 2. What is a spider's favorite thing to do? SURF THE WEB. 3. What goes around the cow but never moves? THE FENCE. 4. Why didn't cheddar cheese want to hang out with bleu cheese? BECAUSE HE HAD A MOLDY PERSONALITY. 5. Why do fish swim in schools? BECAUSE THEY CANT WALK IN SCHOOLS. 6. How do you catch a unique rabbit? YOU NIQUE UP ON IT.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many bros does it take to change a light bulb?	None. They prefer Natural Light.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An elderly woman is watching the local news	An elderly woman is watching the local news and hears about a madman driving the wrong direction on the highway that her husband takes home. Worrying, she calls her husband and tells him about the insane driver. The man replies, it's worse than you think! It's not just 1, there's hundreds of them!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....	...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet. As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your Twinkie!" She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So this joke crossed the line in a group I tell "Offensive Jokes" to every week. Is it? Can you top it? NSFW / NSFL	How do you titty fuck a 7 year old? Snap her shoulders.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday...	They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I bought a boomerang from a ghost yesterday..	I know it's going to come back to haunt me!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.	Knew right away she was a keeper.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just had sex with a 16-year-old girl on an elevator...	It was wrong on so many levels.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jehova	This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Everyone enjoys blonde jokes.	Except blondes, they don't get it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Asylum	A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says. "No, the sane people would use the plug..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Eyes	Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?" "Because she was looking from outside through the window!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between eating pussy and smoking a cigarette?	The taste changes the closer you get to the butt. *what do they have in common. soz about that
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A cute little girls story	One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says; ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Movie night in the old folks home	It's movie night in the old folks home. Before the show this little old woman comes up to this little old man and ask if she can hold his penis during the movie. He replies, " Well I would say yes but I already promised Barbara." Flabbergasted, the old woman says "Barbara! What's that bitch have that I don't?" "Parkinson's." Replies the old man.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?	We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...	...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite. They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. She knew she should not have had a slice of that bean pie before dinner! Before she can get up to excuse herself, poot. She turns white. She is so embarrassed she wants to die. Just then, her boyfriend’s father looks down at the dog under the table, which just so happens to be conveniently situated under her feet, and says, “Rosie, get out of here.” Whew! What relief she feels! The dog took the rap. She smiles to herself, and goes back to enjoying her dinner. Sometime later, it happens again. poot She begins to become embarrassed all over and is relieved to see the dog is still there. The man once again looks down disgustingly at the dog and says, “Rosie, beat it!” This time the woman is absolutely thrilled. She thinks to herself, “If I have to do it again, I will not hesitate.” Sure enough, it happens again. Same result. “Rosie, get out from under there!” As the dinner passes, this happens about 4 or 5 more times, and each time the man gets disgusted, and tells the dog to move. As the meal comes to an end, and they are all having their bean pie, she gets the biggest urge yet. This one is going to be a monster, she thought. But, seeing as how the dog was still at her feet, and the man had not ceased to blame the dog before, she decides to let it go. TPPHHTTTOOOOHHHH She smiles to herself in sweet relief. Just then, the man throws down his fork, stands up, again looks at the dog with disgust in his eyes, and says “For God’s sake Rosie, get out from under there before she shits on you!”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Topical Jokes (5/16)	Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin! Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North Korea, Ambassador Maury. More on the international front, David Beckham has announced his retirement. Beckham says he's going to take the time to wind down and chase his true passion, spinning soccer balls on his beautifully chiseled nips. Love this guy, Hugh Hefner has just bought his wife her own house. The house comes with a redone master bedroom equipped with a queen bed for his wife and a pull-out casket for Hef. Can't leave this out, Obama has named a new IRS chief. Obama says the new guy has all the right stuff. He's great with numbers, even better with people, and no ink allergy so he can swallow any evidence. More political news, Obama says he has "no apologies" over the AP scandal. And keeping with the administration's attitude, Biden also offered no apologies when he farted on FLOTUS while she sniffed flowers in the White House Rose Garden. This is kind of strange, a group of psychologists have found that kids today are wimpier than those in the past. But you could already tell based on the new top-selling sanitized kids' book, "Clifford the Sensibly-Sized Hypoallergenic Maltese on Ambien". We've already seen this on Reddit but it finally hit the news. A mysterious, oozing, puke-like puddle has reportedly been spewing from a sewer manhole in China. Sources say the ooze is already being called "Panda Express's Best Dipping Sauce Yet". There's some news and thanks for checking in. See you tomorrow!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the tomato blush?	He saw the salad dressing
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call the guy that graduated last in his class at med school?	Doctor.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How are neutrinos and i alike?	Were both constantly penetrating your mom

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians. Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!" One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!" You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

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What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Elephino. (You may have to sound it out.)

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Statue of Two Lovers

Out in the middle of a park, there is a beautiful statute of a young man and a young woman, holding hands while looking lovingly at each other. One day, an angel appears, and brings the statutes to life. The angel says, "You have been like that for decades, and as a reward, I have brought you to life for 1 hour." The two, now living, statues look at each other, and run off, hand in hand, giggling into the woods. 30 minutes later, flushed with excitement, they return. The angel says, "You don't have to be back yet, you have another 30 minutes!" The male statute looks and the female statute and says, "Great! This time, you hold the pigeon down, and Ill shit on its head!"

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One of my favourites

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road. They pass each other. The woman yells out the window, "Pig!" The man yells back, "Bitch!" The man drives around the corner, crashes into a hug pig in the middle of the road, and dies.

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Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

It felt like bacon.

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A bartender at a lakeside bar notices an old man sitting alone and crying into his beer...

Being curious, the bartender walks over to the old man and asks, “Hey pal, why the long face?” The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no." The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No... No... But you fuck ONE goat...”

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What do you call some one with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

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Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)

A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. "Come back two years from now on March 17th," he says. The woman consults her calendar. "Morning or afternoon?" she asks. "What difference does it make?" the surly dealer replies. "That's two years from now!" "The plumber is coming that day," she says.

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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits. Stolen from sickipedia but I have seen it 5 times and it still makes me smile, just wanted to share

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3 idiot brothers are trying out for a job as a police detective...

so the officer gives them a test. They are given a side profile head shot of a robber and they are asked how they will recognize him outside. The first brother says, 'This guy has only one eye', the officer sighs and says that it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot. The second brother says, 'This guy only has one ear', the officer sighs again and says it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot too. The third brother thinks for a long while, and says 'He is wearing contacts'. The officer is stunned by this sudden sign of clarity and checks his dossier. True enough, the robber does wear contacts. Impressed, he hires the third brother on the spot. Curious to know how he figured out the robber wears contacts, the officer asks the third brother. The third brother flush with victory, responds haughtily, 'Why its simple really, if the man only has one ear and one eye, how can he wear glasses?'

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Drunk guy in a bar, next to him some twins.

The guy stares at them really confused for quite a while until of the twin finally says to him "It's okay, you are not *that* drunk. We are twins". To which the guy responds: "What, all four of you?"

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What did the depressed plankton do?

It krilled iself!

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so a cheetah and a lion decide to have a race

The cheetah wins and the lion says "you're a Cheetah" the Cheetah says 'nah you're Lion'

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What do you call two Mexican firefighters?

Hose A and Hose B

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Why did the baker have so many customers?

He desperately kneaded the dough!

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A Chinese farmer tells a judge he wants a divorce...

So the judge asks him why. The farmer says, "I'm just a simple farmer, I never went to school, and I don't know very much. But I do know this: when I plant corn, I get corn; when I plant rice, I get rice; now when I plant Chinese boy and black boy comes out, something's wrong."

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a man goes to japan on a business trip

...and he is bored on his first night so he hires a prostitute. she comes to his room and he furiously screws her. the entire time, she is saying "hoshi mota HOSHI MOTA HOOOSSHIIII MOTAAAAA!!!!!!!" he thought the sex was wonderful. the next day, after a business meeting, he goes to play golf with his business partners, and happens to score a hole in one. everyone is congradulating him in japanese, and he has nothing else to say, so he says "hoshi mota" his partner looks at him with a confused look on his face and says, "what do you mean wrong hole?

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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

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A tornado is a lot like having an affair.

At first there is a lot of blowing, but in the end, you just lose your house.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes. First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as that may seem, it's not near as bad when you learn Biden only found out and understood the scandal once Obama reenacted what he saw on the news with sock puppets. Let's back off the heavy stuff and break into some fun (Reddit-friendly) news. Following in the footsteps of "Uggie", a cat is now the breakout star of the Cannes film festival. The cat won over audiences with his brave performance in the upcoming summer thriller, "Terminator 5: Rise of the Laser Pointers". More entertainment news, Kanye West revealed his new album is titled "Yeezus". Reminding us all of that crucial Bible verse where Jesus told his disciples, "Now, I ain't sayin' she's a frankincense-fracker, but she ain't messin' with no broke Messianic cr*cker." This is a strange story, a new study has discovered that brain shock therapy can boost math skill. So, if you're still afraid of math, don't worry, just let us glue some large electrodes to your face... Some funny news. Just today, the Pope admitted he occasionally sleeps during mass - and sometimes if he's feeling extra lazy and doesn't even want to show up, he'll just call in possessed. That is it for now but I'll come back if anything else good pops up today. Thanks for checking out my stuff - I really appreciate it! Once again, if you're of the mind to hear more from me... https://twitter.com/boydstantinople

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So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...

...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.

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Scientists decide they don't need God.

Some time in the future, not to terribly long from now there is a big scientist convention. At this convention they decide that there is no need for God anymore, scientists can do everything that God can do. So they choose a delegate to find God and inform Him of their decision and kindly ask Him to go do something else. The delegate sets out in search for God. For forty years he wanders the world exclaiming out loud, "God!! Where are you, we need to talk." Eventually God gets tired of this guy's haranguing, takes pity on him. He forms a body and goes before the scientist. "God, " trembles the scientist, "I've been chosen to tell you that since people can do everything you can do, we don't need you anymore." "Really," says God. "Yes. We can make new animals from base materials, change matter to energy, control the weather, heal illnesses and injuries. I could even make a person." "Okay," says God, "let's have a little test, Show me that you can make a man." God and the scientist are suddenly surrounded by all the apparatus of a modern laboratory. The scientist agrees, and reaches down to pick up a handful of dirt. "STOP." shouts the Lord. "You get your own dirt!"

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I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.

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A woman and a Rabbi

So, an old woman goes to her Rabbi and says "I just won a hundred million dollars in the lottery!" Her Rabbi Replies "That is wonderful, what are you going to do with all that money?" "First, I'm going to donate twenty five million dollars to charity." "You will do so much good with that money" The Rabbi says "Then, I will keep twenty five million for myself." To which the Rabbi says "You deserve the money, you have done so much good in your life." "The rest of the money will be for building a gold statue of Hitler." The Rabbi furiously replies "But he has done so much evil to our people, why would you do such a thing?" The old woman pointed at her wrist and says "He gave me the winning numbers."

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A clean shirt

A man is drinking at the bar, he pukes all over himself and turns to the bartender, "bartender you gotta help me out, my wife is going to kill me if I come home like this." The bartender replies "No problem, do you have 10 bucks? Just put that in your shirt pocket and tell her you were working late and on your way home a drunk guy threw up on you and gave you the $10 to have your shirt cleaned and pressed." Delighted the man continues drinking and later leaves. When he gets home his wife is furious, accuses him of drinking all night. The man tells her how he was working late and a drunk threw up on him and gave him the 10 dollars to have his shirt cleaned and pressed. He pulls the bill out of his pocket as proof. His wife snatches it and says "but this is a $20!" ... "oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."

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I don't trust Bonsai trees.

They are a little shady.

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How is a 9 Volt Battery similar to an Anus?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you're gunna lick it.

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What do you call a prostitute after a 12 hour shift?

A box of assorted creams.

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A boy calls 911.

911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help! 911 asks, "What's the emergency?" The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!" 911 responds, "Is that a problem?" The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

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What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

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Guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing dark-green Lycra and carrying a naked woman on his back...

... "What are you two supposed to be?" asks someone. "Oh," he replies. "I'm a tortoise, and this is Michelle."

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What does Mortal Kombat and a Helsinki church have in common?

Finnish hymns

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!" The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?" The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea." Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me an idiot and a bigot. Honestly I don't get why telling this joke makes me an idiot. I'm also not a bigot. If you don't like the joke, then instead of complaining about it, refer to the sidebar. > Note: If you are offended by a joke, you have two options: You can man up and understand this is a subreddit dedicated to jokes, OR You can go to /r/shitredditsays and whine like the baby you are. Or the newly created /r/cleanjokes.

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What do <school name> cheerleaders and a shotgun have in common?

Give them 2 cocks and they'll blow.

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Three men in the desert find a genie...

Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink. One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and lands in a pool of Sunny Delight. The third guy runs, slips and yells "shit".

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I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat.

But I can pull a hair out of my ass.

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A lawyer was questioning a doctor...

A lawyer was cross-examining a doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said."I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer,"When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

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Whats your best "This is so bad that ____" joke?

For example, "this is so bad TBS just picked it up for 6 episodes."

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What do people in Prague call abortions?

Canceled Czechs

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What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe!

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Three guys are stuck in a desert

. . . When they come upon a house in the desert. They go up to the door and knock on it, and are greeted by a disgustingly ugly old woman. They ask her if she can help them leave the desert, to which she replies "Yes, I'll give you my jeep in the back, but only if you have sex with me". The first man, being brave, says "OK, I'll go have sex with you", but when she gets naked, the man is so disgusted by her that he runs out of the house and back to the other two guys. The next guy says that he will go and do it, so he goes up to her and says that he will have sex with her, but he too, runs away when she takes her clothes off. So the last man, in desperation, goes in to do the deed. But when he enters, he notices three cobs of corn on the kitchen table. So he tells the woman to lay on the table and close her eyes and never open them. He proceeds to fuck her with the corn on the cob and when she finishes, he throws the corn out the window. The woman, extremely happy, says that if he has sex with her again, that she will give him a million dollars. So he proceeds to fuck her with the second ear of corn. When she finishes again, he throws the corn out the window again. The woman then says that if he does it one last time, that she will give him the deed to a house in the Bahamas. So he uses the last ear of corn to fuck her again, and when she finishes he throws the corn out the window. The woman says that the keys to the jeep are in the ignition, and the deed and the money are in the back seat. The man runs out the door and tells the guys where the stuff is. Then the first guy says to him "I don't know about you man, but we just had the best three pieces of buttered corn in the whole world!"

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Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

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What do you call a Mexican child?

A paragraph, because he isn't yet an ése.

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Exit signs.

They are on their way out.

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Did you hear about the murder mystery porno?

In the end, everyone did it.

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A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here." The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!" Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick. "Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

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A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away...

At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

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What was the Walrus doing in the Tupperware store?

Looking for the tight seal

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Chess Set

"I'd like to buy this chess set please" "How will you be paying, sir?" "Check mate"..

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Business Trip [NSFW]

A nurse is making her rounds through a nursing home and pops into a room. The man is sitting in his bed animatedly acting like he's driving, "vroom vroom" sound effects and everything. The nurse says, "Ed, what are you doing?" "I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," Ed replies. The nurse leaves Ed's room, and makes it two doors down the hall where she finds another patient furiously masturbating. "Joe, what do you think you're doing," the nurse yells. Joe replies, "I'm fuckin' Ed's wife while he's in Chicago!"

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Have you ever smelled mothballs before?

How did you get the little legs apart?

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God is in an argument with Jehovah...

about which one of their faiths is the true one. "That's it, I've had it with this! I am taking the matter to the supreme court." he said "I'd like to see you try." said Jehovah. "I have witnesses."

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a child is walking with a stick

when another kid walks up to him and start picking on him. "your stick is stupid and you're ugly!". the child shrugs his shoulders and asks "you know how they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?". "yeah, so what?" responds the kid. the child flashes a grin, looks the kid straight in the eyes and whispers "my sticks name is beauty"

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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*(choking sounds)*

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MOOMFA!!!

So two male explorers are wandering on a foreign island and are suddenly both rendered unconscious. When they wake up, they find themselves tied up and sitting on the ground in front of some native people of the island. One of the natives, which appears to be the chieftain, says something in foreign tongue, which the explorers do not understand. A translator appears and asks the explorers a question. "Death? Or Moomfa?" To this one of the explorers replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure anything is better than death... Ill take Moomfa!" Chatter erupts from the entire village with the word, "Moomfa" sprouting everywhere. The explorer is taken over to a log, and is stripped of clothing. To which the ENTIRE village has their way with him. Once done, the natives untie him, and let him walk away shuddering and puking. The chief then says the same native words, which is then translated again. "Death? Or Moomfa?!" "Oh... nononononono! I'll take death!!!" Chief mutters some new words. Translator says, "Okay, DEATH BY MOOMFA!!!!"

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What's a Jehovah's Witness's favorite band?

The Doors.

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A little boy at a wedding...

A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"

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An old man on his porch

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up kid...I'll get my hat."

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A redhead a, a brunette and a blonde are trying to hide from a farmer who's chasing them

They run into his barn and look for places to hide. The redhead hides behind the farmer's cow, the brunette hides behind the farmer's horse and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes. The farmer manages to track them down to the barn, runs in and cocks his shotgun. "Is there anyone behind the cow?" he asks. "Moooooooooo," the redhead replies. "Okay, is there anybody behind the horse?" he inquires. "Neeeeiiiiiigh," goes the brunette. Satisfied that nobody is behind the horse or the cow he asks, "Okay, is their anybody behind the sack of potatoes?" So the blonde replies, "Pooootaaaatttoooo."

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Can a ninja bring a ninja star into the airport?

Shuriken.

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I can kayak

Canoe?

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Two guys go moose hunting.....

A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

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Whats the last thing you give a tickle me elmo before it leaves the factory?

Two test-tickles.

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I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

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Topical Jokes (5/17)

Hey, folks! Back again to fill you all in on what wonderfully weird stuff happened today. And so it begins... Start from the gutter, a California doctor suggested his patient give oral sex to cure her gag reflex - and you do NOT want to know what he suggested she do to unplug her bowel obstruction. Alright, let's get to important stuff. President Obama is now trying to wield some of his charm to keep control during the AP hacking scandal. So far, his most charming and touching remark was, "You know, baby? Sometimes I hack your phone just so I can hear the sound of your voice". More Obama criticism, President Obama caused a stir when he required two marines to hold his umbrella for him during a particularly stormy press conference. Even worse later that day when Biden had three marines check under his bed for thunder monsters. Pseudo-political, a recent study found that men with bigger biceps tended to side with the GOP on fiscal policy - mainly because it's hard not to get buff when you just wrote out 35,000 tax loopholes on a single bill. It's time to get out of politics! I should bring this up, the Cannes Film Festival was reportedly hit with a $1,000,000 jewelry heist. Apparently, robbers made out with Meryl Streep's Tiffany necklace and Jack Nicholson's diamond penis stud he calls "Trim for My Holly-woody". End with a pun? Why not? I hope you enjoyed the jokes and - if you didn't - there will be more in the future that will surely pull your heartstrings. See you tomorrow! EDIT: Typos eliminated via /u/riddles500

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A guy moves into a new neighborhood...

And a redneck knocks on the door. The guy opens and the redneck says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!" The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The redneck replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"

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Russian joke.

A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor. "Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off" "Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice

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What do philosophical dolphins say?

What's the porpoise?

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What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?

...she shattered his jaw!

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Jesus

One day, a cop was driving along when a car just whizzed past him. He turns on his siren and chases him down. Once the cop finally pulls over the car, he walks up and sees Pastor Brown, the pastor at his town's church. Upon peering into Pastor Brown's car he notices a suspicious bottle. The cop says "Pastor, what's in that bottle?" To which the Pastor replies "Just water, officer." So the cop, being a cop, takes a sip of the liquid to see if he's lying or not. But it's not water...it's wine! So the cop says "Hey this is wine!" And the pastor replies "Oh Jesus must be at it again!"

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I went to the Zoo today, only animal there was a dog...

It was a Shih Tzu

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The day after Beethoven's funeral

The day after Beethoven's funeral, at midnight, a drunken man, having just left the bar, went into the graveyard, where he heard a strange sound. Looking for the source of the mysterious sound, he discovered it was coming from Beethoven's grave. Alarmed, he called his friends, and found they could hear the sound too (even the sober ones). Soon, a crowd was forming at the graveyard. The mayor, who was very familiar with classical music, recognized the sound as Beethoven's 9th Symphony played backwards. When it ended, Beethoven's 8th Symphony started playing, also backwards, and then the 7th, and then the 6th, and so forth. At dawn, having reached a conclusion, the mayor said to the gathering crowd: "There's nothing to fear, gentlemen. He's just decomposing."

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A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary .....

As the wife stands naked in front of her husband she says 'Do you remember what you said to me on our wedding night?' Husband replies 'Yes, I said I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out'. The wife says 'And looking at me now, what do you think?' The husband looks at his naked wife and says 'I think I did a pretty good job'.

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What's the difference between an all girls soccer team and a tribe of pygmies?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

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Just out of curiosity, does anyone here use RES?

Because I'm really wishing that they'd changed the 'Hide Child Comments' button for the Chris Hansen AMA.

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I had an Epiphany while in the strip club...

... but I don't think that was her real name.

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Jokes/Puns!

1. What kind of birds always stick together? VEL CROWS. 2. What is a spider's favorite thing to do? SURF THE WEB. 3. What goes around the cow but never moves? THE FENCE. 4. Why didn't cheddar cheese want to hang out with bleu cheese? BECAUSE HE HAD A MOLDY PERSONALITY. 5. Why do fish swim in schools? BECAUSE THEY CANT WALK IN SCHOOLS. 6. How do you catch a unique rabbit? YOU NIQUE UP ON IT.

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How many bros does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They prefer Natural Light.

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An elderly woman is watching the local news

An elderly woman is watching the local news and hears about a madman driving the wrong direction on the highway that her husband takes home. Worrying, she calls her husband and tells him about the insane driver. The man replies, it's worse than you think! It's not just 1, there's hundreds of them!

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A little girl went with her father to the barber to get his hair cut....

...and her father gave her a snack cake to keep her quiet. As she she frolicked around the barber shop with it, the barber warned, "Little girl, you are going the get hair on your Twinkie!" She replied, "I know! I'm gonna grow boobies too!"

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So this joke crossed the line in a group I tell "Offensive Jokes" to every week. Is it? Can you top it? NSFW / NSFL

How do you titty fuck a 7 year old? *Snap her shoulders.*

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So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

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I bought a boomerang from a ghost yesterday..

I know it's going to come back to haunt me!

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I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.

Knew right away she was a keeper.

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I just had sex with a 16-year-old girl on an elevator...

It was wrong on so many levels.

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Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

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Everyone enjoys blonde jokes.

Except blondes, they don't get it.

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Asylum

A reporter is looking for a new story and thought an asylum for the insane would make a nice story. There, his first question is how they know who is sane and who's insane. "Well," the woman working there replied "We give everyone a teaspoon, a tablespoon and a bucket. Then we lead them to the bathroom and ask them to empty the bathtub as fast as they can". "Obviously, the sane people would use the bucket" the reporter says. "No, the sane people would use the plug..."

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Eyes

Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?" "Because she was looking from outside through the window!"

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What's the difference between eating pussy and smoking a cigarette?

The taste changes the closer you get to the butt. *what do they have in common. soz about that

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A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says; ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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Movie night in the old folks home

It's movie night in the old folks home. Before the show this little old woman comes up to this little old man and ask if she can hold his penis during the movie. He replies, " Well I would say yes but I already promised Barbara." Flabbergasted, the old woman says "Barbara! What's that bitch have that I don't?" "Parkinson's." Replies the old man.

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What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

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A woman is going with her boyfriend to his parents' house...

...to meet and have dinner with them. This is a very important night, and she wants to make a good impression – she even made some bean pies for the occasion, the parents' favorite. They get to the house, and are having dinner – so far everything is going just fine. Then…disaster strikes. She knew she should not have had a slice of that bean pie before dinner! Before she can get up to excuse herself, *poot*. She turns white. She is so embarrassed she wants to die. Just then, her boyfriend’s father looks down at the dog under the table, which just so happens to be conveniently situated under her feet, and says, “Rosie, get out of here.” Whew! What relief she feels! The dog took the rap. She smiles to herself, and goes back to enjoying her dinner. Sometime later, it happens again. *poot* She begins to become embarrassed all over and is relieved to see the dog is still there. The man once again looks down disgustingly at the dog and says, “Rosie, beat it!” This time the woman is absolutely thrilled. She thinks to herself, “If I have to do it again, I will not hesitate.” Sure enough, it happens again. Same result. “Rosie, get out from under there!” As the dinner passes, this happens about 4 or 5 more times, and each time the man gets disgusted, and tells the dog to move. As the meal comes to an end, and they are all having their bean pie, she gets the biggest urge yet. This one is going to be a monster, she thought. But, seeing as how the dog was still at her feet, and the man had not ceased to blame the dog before, she decides to let it go. *TPPHHTTTOOOOHHHH* She smiles to herself in sweet relief. Just then, the man throws down his fork, stands up, again looks at the dog with disgust in his eyes, and says “For God’s sake Rosie, get out from under there before she shits on you!”

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Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin! Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North Korea, Ambassador Maury. More on the international front, David Beckham has announced his retirement. Beckham says he's going to take the time to wind down and chase his true passion, spinning soccer balls on his beautifully chiseled nips. Love this guy, Hugh Hefner has just bought his wife her own house. The house comes with a redone master bedroom equipped with a queen bed for his wife and a pull-out casket for Hef. Can't leave this out, Obama has named a new IRS chief. Obama says the new guy has all the right stuff. He's great with numbers, even better with people, and no ink allergy so he can swallow any evidence. More political news, Obama says he has "no apologies" over the AP scandal. And keeping with the administration's attitude, Biden also offered no apologies when he farted on FLOTUS while she sniffed flowers in the White House Rose Garden. This is kind of strange, a group of psychologists have found that kids today are wimpier than those in the past. But you could already tell based on the new top-selling sanitized kids' book, "Clifford the Sensibly-Sized Hypoallergenic Maltese on Ambien". We've already seen this on Reddit but it finally hit the news. A mysterious, oozing, puke-like puddle has reportedly been spewing from a sewer manhole in China. Sources say the ooze is already being called "Panda Express's Best Dipping Sauce Yet". There's some news and thanks for checking in. See you tomorrow!

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Why did the tomato blush?

He saw the salad dressing

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What do you call the guy that graduated last in his class at med school?

Doctor.

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How are neutrinos and i alike?

Were both constantly penetrating your mom