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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So Apple made a spinoff of the iPod Touch...
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...where you design all its features yourself. The color, storage, apps that come with it, basically everything. However, it got banned from all Apple stores because of its name, the iTouchMyself.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A real cowboy?
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An old cowboys goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks "Are you a real cowboy?". He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am". She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women". The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?". He replies "Well, I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The saddest joke I've heard
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My wife ran off with my best friend... Now, when I throw the stick, it just lays there.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My response when someone ask me how's life with a penis.
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It's hard.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My love for you is like a candle.
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If you forget about me, I will burn your fucking house down
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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One day Eve found that her nether regions felt funny...
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While walking through the Garden of Eden, Eve felt the tall grass tickle her lower lips. She felt a quiver, and decided she liked it. She started trying out everything she could fit into her quivering quim. She saw a brontosaurus, and thought the long neck might be nice. So she jumped the dinosaur, and screwed him till it died. And so the dinosaurs became extinct. She saw a unicorn running by, and liked the look of its horn. She mounted the animal's head and rode it for all it could take. The beast could not outlast her needs, and also died from the frantic fucking. And so too unicorns became extinct. She then found a stream, and liked the elongated form of the fish. She went after them with a passion, plunging them in and out, and that is why fish smell the way they do.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My boss gave me a nice pat on the back the other day..
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It made things a bit awkward on the shitter though.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Sex is like putting money in the bank....
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When you take it out, the interest is all gone.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What kind of pants did the Japanese porn star wear to her job interview?
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Bu-khakis
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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"Tell me about the day you died."
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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Police Officer Pulls Over An Eldery Couple
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A police officer pulls over an elderly couple and says, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone. The lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", to which her husband replies, "You were doing 120 in a 90 zone." The officer then asks for the lady's licence and registration. The old lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", to which her husband replies, "He wants to see your licence and registration." The officer asks where they're from; again, the old lady asks, "What; what did he say!?", and her husband replies, "He wants to know where we're from." The old lady tells the officer they're from Fernie, British Columbia. The officer tells the elderly couple that the worst piece of ass he ever had was in Fernie. The old lady asks yet again, "What; what did he say!?". Her husband replies, "He thinks he knows ya."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Because of the anti-semitic comments on my last joke, I am submitting a revised version
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A ~~man~~KKK member goes to his ~~Rabbi~~ Grand Dragon. "~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon, I think my wife is trying to poison me!" "Very interesting," says the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out." A few hours later the ~~Rabbi~~Grand Dragon calls the ~~man~~KKK member up. "I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says. "What should I do?" the ~~man~~KKK member asked. "Take the poison."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A little boy and his Grandpa go fishing
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A little boy and his Grandfather go fishing on a quiet little lake. After a few hours of fishing the Grandfather leans forward and pulls a beer from the cooler. The little boy asks, "Grandpa can I have one of those?" When the Grandfather replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" When the little boy nods his head and says no the Grandfather proclaims, "Then you can't have one." An hour or so goes by and the Grandfather pulls out a cigar and lights it up only for the little boy to repeat his question. "Grandpa can I have one of those?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Another disappointed look and a nod of the head from the little boy to Grandfather's response "then you can't have one." When they arrive home Grandma already has dinner made and they all sit down to eat. After dinner when watching tv Grandma comes out to the living room with a full plate of cookies and explains to the little boy she made them just for him. Grandpa leans over and says, "hey can I have one of those?" The little boy asks, "can your dick touch your asshole?" The Grandfather nods his head, smiles, and says yes. To the Grandfather's surprise the little boy replies "good then go FUCK YOURSELF because Grandma made them for me!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Bunny
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A little girl walks into a pet shop. She asks the owner for a bunny, to which he responds "what kind of bunny would you like? A cute black one, an adorable brown one or perhaps a sweet little white one?" The girl looks at the owner and answers: "I don't think my python really cares..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Legs Up
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Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My favorite one liner
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Using single ply toilet paper is the best way of getting in touch with your inner self.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So there were these two roads sitting in a crowded bar...
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So there were these two roads sitting in a crowded bar enjoying a hard-earned drink after a tough day of being roads. They've had a few shots of tarquila each and are beginning to talk tough. The first road slugs down another shot and says "You know... I reckon I'm the best road in the country!" The second road scoffs, takes his shot and replies "If you're the best road in the country, I'm the best bit of bitumen in the world!" First road starts to respond when suddenly a scraggly bit of concrete walks through the bar door and everyone goes dead quiet. The two roads look at the bit of concrete and wander aloud why everyone went quiet. The bartender leans over and tells them to shut up -- "Shhh! Watch out for him! He's a real cycle-path!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I always hated weddings...
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I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My friend thinks I'm too indecisive.
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I'm not sure what to think of that.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven
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Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked? Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugged. “Very well. Name two days of the week that begin with ‘T.’” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg thought and thought. He furrowed his brows and looked at his boots. Finally, his eyes lit up and he said, “Today and Tomorrow.” St. Peter couldn’t argue with that, so he moved on to the second question. “How many seconds are there in one year?” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg looked stumped and broke out in a sweat. He paced back and forth, kicked plumes of golden cloud dust, counted on his fingers and toes. Then it came to him: “Twelve!” he exclaimed. St. Peter asked, “Twelve? How did you come up with that? Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg replied, “January 2nd, February 2nd… There are 12 months and each of ‘em’s got at least two days.” St. Peter nodded. “I can accept that! Now, for your final question: What is God’s first name?” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg smiled. “Well, that’s easy. It’s Howard.” St. Peter stared at him. “Howard? Where did you get that?” Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg explained, "From the prayer...’Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...’"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A cowboy is new in town and enters a saloon...
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he goes straight to the barkeeper, sits down and asks him to tell him the names of the other cowboys in town as they enter the saloon in order to get to know them. The doors opens, a cowboy enters with like carrying like 5 pistols. The barkeeper tells him: "That's Pistolbill!". Interested in getting to know other cowboys as well, he waits for another cowboy to enter the saloon. A few seconds later another cowboy arrives, this time carrying a lot of different knives. The barkeepers explains him that he's called Knivesobill. Finally, as he begins to understand the system of their nicknames, a third cowboy with 2 heads and 4 arms enters the room. Frightened by this cowboy, he asks the barkeeper: "What the fuck, and what's his name???" The barkeeper:"Well, that's Chernobyl"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many lazy people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Count for yourself...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you give a cannibal late for Sunday lunch?
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The cold shoulder
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Tarzan's unfortunate accident
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Tarzan was doing his thing in the jungle, swinging from tree to tree, when all of the sudden this huge truck runs him over and leaves him in a terrible condition. So the jungle animals had a gathering to decide how to help their leader, cause they couldn't just leave him all crippled. After much discussing, the lion says: "I can spare one of my mighty legs, I'll donate it to our king". The gorilla comes forward and says, "I can spare an arm, I'll give it to our king". But no one wanted to come forward and donate the most important organ. So after much brainstorming, they decide they would simply cut 7 inches from the elephant's trunk, and use that to mend the king. So Tarzan went to surgery, all parts were stitched together and everything went fine. A few weeks after, a friend comes to pay Tarzan a visit: "Hey Tarzan, how you doing, man, I heard you had an accident, is everything all right?" "Yeah, man", Tarzan says, "I feel great! With this leg the lion gave me, I can run through the savannah, and no gazelle can catch me." "With this arm the gorilla gave me, I swing from tree to tree even better than before." "The problem is with, you know, my thing..." "But what is the problem", his friend asks, "doesn't it get up?" "Well, it gets up, all right, but then it goes to the ground, grabs a bunch of grass, and shoves it up my ass..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Stephen Hawkins goes on a date....
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he comes back a couple of hours later with broken glasses, grazed knees, twisted ankle. She'd stood him up.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Clitoris
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A boy asks his dad: "Daddy, what is a clitoris?" Dad replies: "You should have asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Yokel Logic
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Two country types are sitting outside a university, when a man comes out. One of them stands up, and goes over to talk to this man. He says ''Ello there, son. You look loike one of them clever university toipes. What is it that you're studyin' then?' The man, slightly stunned, says, 'I study Mathematics, Physics and Logic' The country dude says 'Oo- arr, logic, what's that then?' The Student replies, 'I could teach you it.' 'Okay then.' 'So', says the student, 'you look like a country type. I'm going to guess that you have a tractor?' 'Yep' 'And if you have a tractor, then surely you have... a yard, to keep your tractor in?' 'Arr' 'So in turn, surely you have a house next to that yard?' 'Wow, incredible, go on!' 'And taking care of that big house must be awfully hard on your own- so you must have a wife to help out with it?' 'Moi god...' 'And because you live with your wife, I'm going to conclude that you're a heterosexual!' 'Oh lord...' says the farmer. 'How did you know all that?' 'That's logic, my friend', says the student, and he walks off with a cheerful wave. The yokel runs over to his friend to show off his newfound learnings. ''Ere, Oi've got somethin' to show ya! It's called 'Logic'', he shouts. 'Alroight then', says the friend 'So, do you have a tract'r?' 'No' 'Then you're Gay!'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Pink Gorilla
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An married couple are out driving home through the country one night when their car breaks down. There was a farm house nearby, so they decided to see if they could find some help. While the husband was talking to the farmer, the wife asked if she could use the man's restroom. The farmer said "Sure thing. Up the stairs, third door on the right. But whatever you do, do NOT touch the big pink gorilla through the door at the end of the hall." The woman agreed that she wouldn't touch the gorilla and headed up the stairs. After she had finished her business, she started towards the stairs, but her curiosity got the best of her. She quietly went through the door at the end of the hall and found herself face to face with an enormous pink gorilla in a cage, fast asleep. She figured it couldn't hurt to poke him just once, so she slowly reached into the cage and touched his shoulder. Immediately, the gorilla's eyes snapped open, he ripped the door off of his cage, and began to chase the woman. She ran down the stairs, past her husband and the farmer, and out the front door. As she ran through the field outside, she stumbled and fell, and the gorilla closed in. He loomed over her and she watched, horrified, as he reached an enormous hand towards her and said "Tag, you're it!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Wanna ride bikes?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Nihilistic Kindergartners
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David Bloom gained notoriety for his book “Piscus Terminus: How to tell your five year old you flushed his fish down the toilet.” Noted for its brute realism, the book’s message led many kindergartners to spiral into a nihilistic despair, which contributed to the phenomenon of so called “Kierkegaardeners”, whose existential search for subjective truth in an otherwise meaningless world made birthday parties kind of a downer.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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For The Musicians: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
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On a bull, the horns are at the front, and the ass hole is at the back.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
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The heat was in tents
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
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Because they are really good at it
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So an engaged couple die in a car crash...
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A very tragic occasion merely a week before their wedding, they were sorely missed by their family. Shortly after their deaths, they meed St. Peter, guarding the pearly entrance to heaven. They were both good people, led fulfilling lives, and so he has no problem letting them in to heaven, and even states that they are free to live together in heaven, encouraging them to get married. After a few days of life there, free of their earthly problems, they decide they want to take up the offer and seal the bond. They have several days of happiness, have great sex, and love each-others company. However after a few days, they get kinda bored, and decide to ask St. Peter for a new TV. Peter grants them their wish, telling them: "This is Heaven, you can have whatever you want!" So they watch their new TV happily together for several days, until they find that they, once again are bored. They decide on sports, and return to St. Peter. They tell him they want to get basketball lessons. He agrees, and after searching for several days, finds a basketball player to teach them to play. They have tons of fun playing basketball together for a while, until they get bored and realize that they just arent for each other. They return to St. Peter with the request to get divorced. He says "Gee, thats kinda tough. It was hard enough finding a basketball player, I doubt theres 1 lawyer up here!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An American and an Irishman order a beer at a bar.
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The Irishman pulls out his money to pay and the American notices that the bills are all different colours. "Who the fuck makes your money, Monopoly?" he asks sarcastically. The Irishman looks over and responds "Who the fuck makes your beer, Kool Aid?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Kim Jong-il
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When kim Jong-il was alive, a great deal of North Korean propaganda was created claiming things like Kim Jong-il and his father created the world, and that Kim Jong-il does not urinate or defecate. Apparently, propaganda was also created for the children of North Korea in the form of a book titled "Everybody Poops... Except Kim Jong-il"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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blondes
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” the girl said. “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No Honey, it’s because you’re 24.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call someone who never farts in public?
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A PRIVATE TUTOR
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Dog Bar Mitzvah
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A man walks into a synagogue with his dog. He goes up to the Rabbi and he says. Man: Rabbi, I want my dog to have a Bar Mitzvah and I want to do it here Rabbi: What are you, crazy? We can't do that! Man: Please, I'll do anything Rabbi: No, it can't be done Man: Rabbi, I don't think you understand, I'm willing to donate $20,000 to this synagogue Rabbi: Why didn't you tell me your dog was Jewish?!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
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This guy goes to Vegas and wins $10,000. Excited he decides to get himself a prostitute, find the most beautiful one, takes her to the room asks" how much for sex"? "Sex"? Says the prostitute "I jerk ppl off for $5,000" 5,000 for a jerk? You must be crazy!! So prostitute comes to the window and says" see all of these bars? I own them all just from the money I make on hand jobs. So the guy pays her $5000 and get the best jerk/orgasm he ever had in his life. Comes back to Vegas a month later, wins $25,000 finds the same prostitute takes her upstairs says what can I get for 25,000 She says for 25,000 ill give you head. Are you crazy? 25,000 for head? She pulls him to the window, shows all of the small casinos and says" I bought them with the BJ money I made! Guy pays her and gets the best BJ ever. Comes back to Vegas, wins 100,000 and is now determined to have sex for 100,000. Fuids the girl, takes her upstairs, pulls out 100,000 says I want sex. She brings him to the window, shows the entire Vegas, guy says" OMG, you own this entire city just because of your pussy"?? She replies " I would have if I had one"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So I met a Jewish girl at the bar last night... [NSFW]
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She asked me for my number so I wrote it on her arm. Haven't heard from her since...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does a black man do when faced with the death penalty?
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Nigga pleads.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call Bob the builder after he retires?
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Bob
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many guys in the friendzone does it take to change a lightbulb?
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None, they just stand around and compliment it, and then get pissed when it won't screw
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Quantum humor is so random
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Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car. Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replied, “No, but I can tell you exactly where I was.” Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle. He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, “Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?” Schrodinger replied, “I do now.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
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Ground beef.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I farted in a room full of hipsters..
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then watched them fight over who heard it first.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?
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Every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel..
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue?
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Jews.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the farmer name his pig Ink?
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Because he kept running out of the pen.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My favorite joke when I was a kid
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A plane is flying over the Atlantic when all of a sudden immense turbulence causes it to crash into the ocean. Miraculously, three survivors make it to an island where they are immediately seized by local natives. They are brought to the chief of the village, who simply says "I might spare your lives. But first, gather ten of any fruit and bring them to me." The first man comes back with ten apples. The chief says, "You have a chance to live. We will shove these apples up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you." Of course, as they try to force the first apple up his butt, he moans in pain and is killed and eaten. The second man comes back with ten grapes. The chief says, "You have a chance to live. We will shove these grapes up your ass, and if you make a sound or move, we will kill you and eat you. So the man takes seven grapes up the ass but as they inserted the eighth, he began laughing hysterically. The natives are confused, but nevertheless they kill him and eat him. The first and second man meet in the afterlife and the first man says, "You were so close! What the hell were you doing?" The second man replies, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman returned home from a round of golf.
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Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A priest walks up to his church's janitor
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He then says that he has a problem - his stomach is very upset, and he has been running to the restroom all day. His problem is that the widow Mrs. Idoux is about to show up for her weekly confession, as she does every Friday at exactly 3:00. He asks the janitor to stand in for him at her confession, because Mrs. Idoux always has the same confession, carnal thoughts about a specific man. The priest says that he always gives Mrs. Idoux 10 Hail Marys and sends her on her way. The Janitor agrees, it is obvious the Priest would not ask such a thing were it unnecessary. The Janitor steps in, and a couple minutes later, the widow Mrs. Idoux steps in to the confession booth. Mrs. Idoux says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have caved into my carnal thoughts and performed oral sex on a man who is not my husband." The Janitor, realizing he cannot give the same penance for carnal thoughts as oral sex, so he quietly steps out of the booth, calls an altar boy over, and asks "Hey, kid - what does the priest give for oral sex?", to which the boy replies "A coke and a snickers bar, why do you ask?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Gorilla in my tree!
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A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away. The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?" The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van." The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?" The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two old men are sitting in a field.
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One turns to the other one and says, "You see that barn over there? That's a nice, sturdy barn. It could weather any storm Mother Nature throws at it. I built that barn with my own two hands, you know. Do they call me John the Barn Builder? No. No they don't." Next, John points to the fence next to the barn and says, "And look at that fence over there. It stretches for miles in either direction. Nothing is getting in or over that fence. I made that fence with my own two hands as well. Do they call me John the Fence Maker? No. No they don't." Finally, John turns towards a nearby lake and says, "And look at that lake. I must have caught every kind of fish imaginable in that lake. Probably spent more time on that lake than I have on dry land. Do they call me John the Fisherman? No. No they don't." John pauses. "But you fuck ONE goat..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does a duck like to have for breakfast?
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Quacker Oats
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A reformed Mexican gangbanger was trying to change his life...
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so he decides to go back to school and one night he was writing a book report, he was sitting at his desk by the window and a gust of wind knocked his papers away and scattered outside...he says "Come back here essay!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Boondocks saints joke...classic
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A white guy, a spik and a black guy (nigger), yea yea, are walking down the beach and they find a lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says "I'll give you each 1 wish". The Mexican says "I weesh for all my Mexican hermanos and hermanas to be back in Mehico". POOF all the Mexicans were back in Mexico. The black guy (nigger) yea yea that's what I said, the nigger says "I wish for all my nigger brothers and sisters to be back in Africa". POOF all the blacks are gone. The genie says "and for you?" The white guy looks at the genie and says "you mean to tell me all the niggers and spiks are out of America?" "Yes" the genie replies. "I'll have a coke"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do rabbis call the leftovers of a circumcision?
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Debris.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's a Mormon's favorite sexual position?
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You'd probably think it's missionary, but i'm pretty sure they'd try the back door if they had the chance.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Psychic
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Fearing her marriage is crumbling, a middle-aged woman visits a highly respected psychic renown for the accuracy of her predictions. In a dark and hazy room, she tells the psychic of her fears and growing unhappiness. The mystic peers into her crystal ball, then looks at the woman and delivers the grave news: "There's no easy way to say this... Your husband is planning to move all of the money in your joint account to an offshore bank, then file for divorce and marry his tennis instructor." She sighs heavily, peers again into the crystal ball, then gasps. "Wait!" she says. "You must prepare yourself. Before he can do these things, he will die a violent and horrible death." Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the psychic's lined face, then at the crystal ball, then down at her hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply has to know. She meets the fortune teller's gaze, steadies her voice, and asks: "Will I be acquitted?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do LEGO men hate going to hospital...?
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Because plastic surgery costs a fortune!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Who wants to know?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky
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got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three explorers and a cannibalistic tribe
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There were three explorers out on an expedition when they suddenly realized that they were lost. They walked around for hours when finally they saw smoke in the distance. They knew there must be a civilization there so they headed in that direction. When they got there they were confronted by the warriors of the tribe and were immediately tied up and held captive. Later, the leader of the tribe confronted them and explained that their tribe was a cannibalistic tribe and that they would kill them, skin them, eat them and then use their skin as a canoe but they would be able to choose how they would be killed. The first explorer says ""I brought a gun with me on my expedition, I wish to be killed with that." So they pulled the gun out of his backpack and shot him. The second explorer says "I too wish to be killed by the gun as I believe it would be the most painless way." So they shot him as well. The third explorer says "I have a fork in my backpack and I wish to be killed with that. I would however, like to do it myself." The tribesman all looked at each other puzzled, but figured he could not possibly harm them with a fork so they agreed. The explorer then began to repeatedly stab himself in the chest. The tribesman again looked at each other with puzzlement on their faces so the leader of the tribe asked the explorer "What are you doing?" to which the explorer exclaimed "I'M FUCKIN' UP YOUR CANOE!!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy walks into a bar and orders an Ovechkin... (Hockey joke)
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The bartender looks confused and asks "What the hell is an Ovechkin?" The guy says "It's a White Russian with no ice and no cup!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two Jews were arguing whether or not white is a color
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After arguing for a week they went for an advice to their rabbi Rabbi looked into an old book and said yes, white is a color. A week later same Jews were arguing for a week whether black is a color Went to the same rabbi who said yes, black is also a color See!!! says one of them, I did sell you a color TV!!!!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A wife comes home to find her husband in bed with another woman.
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She immediately flies into a fit of rage at the sight. Fire in her eyes, she walks over to the bed, grabs her husband by the dick, and pulls him out to the garage. She puts his now flaccid penis in a vice, breaks off the handle, and leaves him there, trapped, while she walks over to a rack of tools. He frantically tries to escape, but the vice won't budge. Just as she reaches for a saw, her husband says, "Dear god, you're not going to cut it off, are you?!" She stops shouting. Walks to her terrified husband, saw in hand. Throws it on the ground beside him. Looks him deep in the eyes and says, "No. I'm just going to set the house on fire."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What kind of nuts go on your feet?
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*Sigh*... Cashews.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man is waiting to cross a busy intersection
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And after waiting a few seconds it seems clear for him to walk. He starts his way across the intersection. When he gets to the middle of the intersection he hears the roar of an engine barreling down on him. So he moves to his left to dodge the car, the car moves to his left. He quickly moves back to his right, and the car moves back to the right. He thinks "oh shit! I'm about to be ran over" and freezes in a moment panic. He closes his eyes and braces for impact. As his life flashes right in front of him, he hears a long screech of the tires. And then the sound of an idling engine. He opens his eyes and the car is a foot away from him. Completely stopped. The driver honks the horn and rolls down the window. Out pops a squirrel and says "it's not so easy now, is it!?" The squirrel laughs and proceeds to drive away.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Topical Jokes (5/14)
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Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we? There's already some news out of the presidential election front... Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio has started hydrating three years in advance using a Big Gulp filled with Paul Ryan's Pilates sweat. Weird biology news. A rare, six-foot flower that smells like rotting corpses has bloomed in an Ohio conservatory. Hallmark is already selling a bouquet of these giant corpse flowers for Mother-in-Law's Day. Gotta bring this up. There was a major press breach where US officials seized two months of phone records from journalists. Panic over the breach died when it was found to just be Biden trying to get someone to explain last week's "Doonesbury" to him. A lighter story, Willie Nelson has been granted an honorary degree from Berklee College of Music. Berklee gave him the degree credit upon finding he had finally smoked as much pot as a senior reggae student. I still love this story. Taco Bell is now coming out with a waffle taco. The taco comes with sides of both Aunt Jemima's syrup and Mrs. Butterworth's donated bile to aid in digestion. Gosh, I dislike Madonna. Here we go. Madonna recently sold her self-crafted painting for $7 million. Critics say the painting’s turbulent brush strokes evoke both the struggles of mankind to ascend beyond rationality and the struggles of Madonna’s boobs to ascend beyond her bellybutton. Another old joke. Because, who cares? Paul McCartney revealed a rare Beatles track during a concert. The track is a tune he just wrote at the ripe old age of 70 called "Norwegian Wood (This Scandinavian Viagra Actually Works)". Not many tonight but I'd rather you have a few zingers than a bunch of K.O.'d punch-lines. Once again, the feed is all here, https://twitter.com/TopTopical. Check you later and thank you for skimming!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman gets on a bus...
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with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...
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...so I went out and got drunk.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man goes to his Rabbi
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"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!" "Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out." A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up. "I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says. "What should I do?" the man asked. "Take the poison."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees, Look At These ...
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A Chinese man is standing on a street corner waiting to cross. An elderly Jewish man walks up to him, and to his face, exclaims: "Go to hell! Go to hell, for what you and you people did to the innocent people at Pearl Harbor!" The Chinese guy, baffled, replies: "The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, I'm Chinese." The old jew doesn't want to hear it and says: "Japs, Chinks, you're all the same." The Chinese man, getting angry, crosses his arms and asks: "Well what about all the innocent men, women, and children your people killed on the Titanic?" The Jewish man, furls his brown, and in a confused tone states: "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg." To which the Chinese man quips: "Iceberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, you're all the same."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Olympic condoms
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds really, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A woman goes to the gynecologist...
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And he tells her that she has a large vagina. She goes home and wants to see for herself. The woman puts a mirror on the floor, removes her panties, lifts her skirt and begins to look. Her daughter, walking past the room peeks in and says, "Mom, what are you doing?" The woman replies, "I just wanted to check something, sweetie." In response the girl says, "Okay mom, but be careful not to fall into that hole."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three guys in a bed....
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How are woman and tornadoes alike?
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They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's head when it hits a windshield?
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Its ass.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Rectum, damn near killed him!
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I always hear this punchline, without the build up part. What are some variations on this classic joke?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Guy gets a new job...
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(Long but worrh the read)... a guy gets a bew job at an all in one store. His manager says that he works on commission so just try to sell a few things and he'll come back and check on him later. At the end of the day he comes back and asks the salesman how many sales he had. The guy replies "1". The manager says "Well geez, normally our guys do 15-20 a day. How much was your sale?" The guy replies back "$219,435.67" The manager yells "Holy shit! What did you sell???" "Well, the guy was buying a small fish hook, so I got him to buy a medium hook and a large hook. I asked him what he was going to fish with and I talked him into a new pole. He also needed bait. I asked him where he was goin fishing, he said probably the creek and I told him he had to go out on the lake. Well, he didn't had a boat so I took over to the marina section and he bought a twin V skipper. Then he realized he couldn't tow it with his car so we went to automotive and he bought a new truck." Thoroughly impressed, the manager said "he came in for a fishing hook and you got him to buy all that?" The salesman replied "oh no. He came in for tampons and I said buddy your weekend is fucked, you better go fishing."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I used to supply filofaxes to the mafia
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I was involved in very organised crime
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
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Six. Why? IT JUST DOES, OK!?!?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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how do you piss of a frenchman?
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ask him what part of canada he's from
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Indian drunk guy
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An Indian guy just purchased a bottle of whiskey. And was walking back to home. It was dark and he stumbled upon something and fell on the gound. He felt a little wet near his pocket where he kept the whiskey bottle. He touches the place and prays to god ' Oh God hopefully this is blood'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where do Grammar Nazis get put on trial?
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You're*-emburg ^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^sorry... **Edit: obligatory second page post. Can't believe I'm on the second page!**
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I had sex with my teacher...
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Today after school my teacher asked me to stay after for a little while, one thing led to another and we had sex but as we were finishing the principal interrupted and called my mother. My mother had to pick me up from school and all she said was "just wait until your father gets home." Once my father got home he came into my room and said "son, was your teacher at least good looking?" Which I replied "yes" and to my surprise my father said "you know what son I'm proud of you and because of that I'm going to buy you that new bike you wanted!" My dad went out and got the bike and when he got back we both just kind of looked at the bike when he asked "well aren't you going to ride it?" and I replied "No my butt still kinda hurts"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man walks into a bar and sees a Iguana and a Lizard on the bar...
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He sits at the bar to order a drink and as he does this the Lizard says to the man "Hello there". The man is astonished by this, he says to the barman "That's amazing how much will you sell him for?". The barman replies "£5000". The man writes a cheque out and takes the lizard home. A man further down the bar says to the barman "Why did you sell the Lizard you could make more from TV appearances". The barman replies "The Lizard can't talk the Iguana's a ventrillioquist"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]
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It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, getting louder and angrier and more upset with each exchange. Eventually his wife's anger boils over and in a fit of rage she reaches over, pulls his penis out, *slices* it off and **hurls** it out the window of the speeding car. Meanwhile, a middle-aged man is driving down the same highway with his six year old daughter. All of a sudden a bloody severed penis flies out of nowhere and **SMACKS** against the windshield, where it flops around for a few seconds before *flying* off to the side. The young girl jumps forward in her seat, startled, and exclaims "Oh, my GOSH!!! Daddy, what was *that*?" The father panics: his daughter is still too young and innocent to learn about such things as penises. He thinks quickly and tells her "Don't worry, sweetie. It was just a bug." "Oh, okay Daddy" she responds, and they continue on their way. After a few minutes of silence the little girl looks up at her father and asks "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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You don't need a parachute to skydive...
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You need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the left butt cheek say to the right one?
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If we stick together, we can stop this shit.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call an impotent lizard?
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A reptile dysfunction
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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tiny pianist
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An oldie, but goodie: A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a smart blonde?
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A golden retriever
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do Little People hate the taste of alcohol?
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Because they can't reach the top shelf.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My wife....
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"Thanks to my wife I am now a millionaire!" "Wow that's great!" "I was a billionaire..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did one eye say to the other?
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Between you and I, something smells.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Near-beer is like going down on your sister..
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It may taste the same, but it aint right.
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