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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There are 3 types of people in this world.
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1. People who are good in math. 2. People who aren't good in math.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two nudists philosophers were sitting around when one of them asked the other, "Have you read Marx?"
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The other one replied "Yes, I think it's the wicker furniture".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde, brunette and red head are discussing their teenage daughters...
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The brunette says, " I was going through my daughter's room the other day and I found cigarettes! I can't believe she's smoking." To which the red head replies, "Well I was going through my daughter's room and found a bottle of rum! I can't believe she's drinking." The blonde chimes in, "That's nothing. I was going through my daughter's room and found condoms. I can't believe she has a penis!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Fishing Trip
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On Friday afternoon, a man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with my boss. We'll be gone a week. This is a great chance for me to work on that promotion! Would you please pack some clothes for me and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll swing by the house to pick them up in an hour. Oh! And please pack my new blue pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend the husband comes home very tired, tan and happy. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he has had a good time. “I did!” he says as he carries his things into the bedroom. “You wouldn’t believe all the fish we caught! Some bass, some catfish, and a few trout.” As he tosses his suitcase onto the bed, his wife leans against the doorjamb. "Really." She says. “Yup,” he says. Then he glances up at her, “By the way, why didn't you pack my new blue pajamas like I asked?" The wife crosses her arms and replies, "I did. They’re in your tackle box."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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They say that kissing makes your day
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... And anal sex makes your hole weak!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Cardiologist's Funeral
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A great cardiologist is being buried. All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a funeral and he responds "I was picturing my funeral because I'm a gynecologist".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I know a hooker downtown that charges by the inch.
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I can't afford her, but you probably could. *(one-liner from the old guy that delivers stock to my work.)*
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How did the farmer feel after he ripped his clothing?
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Let's just say he felt overall sadness.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Paralympics
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Q: What's better than winning the Paralympics? A: Having legs!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test,
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the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A friend asks me why I smoke cigarettes...
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*"with all the money you've spent on cigarettes over the last 25 years, you could've bought a ferrari"* "well, have you ever smoked?" *"no, it's disgusting"* "WELL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING FERRARI?!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Morning Commute (Adapted Chinese Joke)
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Two guys carpooling to work approach a stop light while a hot, young girl driving a Porsche pulls up next to them. The passenger says to the driver, "I bet she's the Mistress. At least she doesn't have to work." The woman overhearing the passenger screams back, "Asshole! If I didn't have a job I wouldn't be out driving 7 o'clock in the morning!" Apparently stunned by the logic the passenger pauses before admitting to the driver, "I guess I was wrong,she must be on the way home from work." Edit: Added content
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two robbers, Hank and Jeff, break into a jewelry store.
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They start taking everything they can get their hands on without triggering the alarms. Hank spots a gold necklace with a huge emerald, the price of which would allow them to live in luxury for the rest of their lives. It was obviously well-secured, however, and Jeff tries to convince him that it's a bad idea and that the alarms will go off. Hank doesn't care and smashes the case and grabs the emerald necklace anyway. Immediately alarms sound and within seconds a huge security guard rushes into the store and grabs Hank and Jeff, tosses them on his shoulders, and hauls them off to jail. Jeff looks at Hank and says "Next time let's not get carried away."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Military Humor
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I had to translate. You can help me fix it. Lieutenant Colonel to Major: “There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won’t be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.” Major to Captain: “Per Colonel’s order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day. Captain to Lieutenant: “Per Colonel’s order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day. “ Lieutenant to Sergeant: “Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.” Sergeant to Corporal: "Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.“ Two privates talking to each other: “Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day. “
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
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The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!" The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!" The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....
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But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Fuck it, soldier on!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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100 camels
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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There are two fish in a tank...
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...and one says to the other, "how do we drive this thing?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's India's most popular dating service?
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Connect the Dots.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do you make more money?
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A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in a pile of leaves?
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Rustle
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How much semen does a catholic priest have?
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A butt load...
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A yellow toad in the land of Oz...
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A poor little toad was born the color yellow in the land of Oz. None of the other toads would play with him, and so he had a rough life. As he was crying about his situation, while sitting on a toadstool one day, the good witch came by. The kind hearted sorceress heard his sobbing and stopped. She asked him what was wrong, and he told her that because of his color, he could not make any friends. She said she was not that great of a witch, but she would see what she could to for him. She waved her wand, and *poof* he turned green! He was ecstatic, and looked himself over. He was suddenly distraught as he found that his penis was still yellow. He knew he could not get it done with the ladies with a yellow member. He began to sob again, and asked if she could try again. The good witch said that was the best she could do, but the Wizard may be able to help. So the toad went off in search of the wizard. The next day she heard an elephant crying near the road. She went to the poor giant, and asked what was wrong. He said that no one liked him, because he was pink. After realizing that she had missed that the elephant was pink, (they were not in a room, so she didn't feel too stupid though) she decided she wanted to help. She waved he wand, and *poof* he was gray! Again, the elephant was overjoyed, but after looking himself over he saw that his 3rd leg was still pink. Having a pink appendage would definitely not help him with the elephantesses, and he started sobbing again. The witch said she was sorry, but it was the best she could do. She told him that he should go see the Wizard for more help. So, he lumbered off, and turned back suddenly. "Wait, how to I find the Wizard?" "Oh, that's easy" replied the good witch, "Just follow the yellow pricked toad."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two silk worms were in a race.
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They ended up in a tie.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My 87 year old grandfather told me this last night
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A newly married couple was having extreme financial difficulties. Finally the husband said "honey I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do. I'm going to have to put you on the street corner." He drops his wife off around 2:00am and picks her up the next morning. When he asked her how much money she made she replied "$110.25." He said "Who's the cheap bastard that only gave you a quarter!?" She said "why, all of them did."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Cliff
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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?" The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!" The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three nuns are walking through a park
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A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes them. Such was the shock that the first nun had a stroke, then the second nun had a stroke but the third nun just couldn't bring herself to touch it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A dog walks into a bank and asks for a loan...
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The teller says "What collateral are you offering?" The dog leans across the the counter, looks at his name tag and says "Here's the thing Mr. Wakk, can I call you Patrick? I'm actually Keith Richard's son. So you know I'm good for it." The teller says "I'm sorry Mr. Dog we're still going to have to ask for collateral." The dog hands him a ceramic elephant. Confused the teller goes to his manager and tells him the story. He says "I don't know what to do, I don't even know what this thing is." The manager says "It's a knick-knack Paddy Wakk, give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Hearing concerns
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A man tells his doctor that he's concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor tells him that there's an easy test for this: stand far away from her and ask her a question and keep getting closer until she hears him. So the man goes home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" There's no reply so he moves forward and asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" Again, he hears nothing and moves forward, "What's for dinner honey?" She shouts, "For the third time, spaghetti!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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It's my epileptic friend's birthday soon so I got him a strobe light.
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He's going to have a fucking fit when he sees it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Choose a special gift for Mother's day
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first son said: “ I built a big house for our mother” The second son said: “ I sent Mom a Mercedes with a driver.” The third son said: “ You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. The Elders at the church spent twelve years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and the verse and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. “William,” she wrote, “ the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Arnold, she said, “ I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. That driver is so rude, he is a pain!” “ But David,” she said, “ the chicken was delicious”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
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They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Getting back on his feet
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A man working in a warehouse suffers a terrible accident when a heavy crate falls on his feet crushing and severing all of his toes. At the hospital he undergoes several hours of surgery. After months of rehabilitation he is able to walk again. He decides to visit his favorite local bar. Seeing an attractive young woman he approaches the bar. "Hey, can I buy you a beer?" he asks. Without hesitation, she replies angrily "Get out of my face. I can't believe you have the nerve to show up here. I can't stand your type!" "Wow, wasn't expecting that" he says. "Sorry", she replies, "I can't help myself sometimes. I am Lack Toes Intolerant".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So I was walking home from work....
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And I saw this black guy carrying a tv and I thought it was mine but then I ran home and mine was still there shining my shoes.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker...
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...but when I got home all the signs were there.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I'm 50, and I have the cholesterol of a teenager.
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It's amazing what you can find on eBay.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Male nurse
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Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies, "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?" The patient beams and replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain. "What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees the doctor that assigned him to the ward, outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is that? A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I'm getting an MRI tomorrow...
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to find out whether or not I'm claustrophobic.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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midget in the library
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midget walks into a library and ask do you have any books on irony? the librarian replies sure they are on the top shelf
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy is on the corner of the street waiting to hail a cab and he has a giant peach for a head...
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Another man comes up to him and says "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice that you have a giant peach for a head; what's up with that?" The man with a giant peach for a head responds "It's kind of a funny story actually." He explains that on his last birthday a genie appeared to him and offered to grant him three wishes. "For my first wish," the man with a giant peach for a head began, "was to be wealthy. Next thing I know, Donald Trump comes up to me, gives me briefcases packed with money and says 'Take it, it's yours!' I couldn't believe it, I'm filthy rich!" "Wow!" the other guy says. "That's incredible!" "I know!" the man with a giant peach for a head responds. "And for my second wish, I wished I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Ten seconds later, Mila Kunis runs up to me, declares her everlasting love for me, and insists we get married the next day! I couldn't believe how lucky I was!" "It really is incredible," the other man says. "Well, what about your third wish?" "Oh, for my third wish, I wished I had a giant peach for a head." EDIT (Readability)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two wrongs don't make a right.....
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But two Wrights make a plane
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you get when you cross Jesus with a dinosaur?
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A velocirapture
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A UNIX Salesperson
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A unix salesperson named Lenore Loved her job, but loved the beach more. She devised such a way to combine work and play: She sells C-shells by the seashore
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two programmers are having a drink in a bar..
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The first one says: "Do you see that chick over there ? What "properties" do you think she has ?" The 2nd one says: "I tested her last night. She's "read-only".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where do conspiracy theorists keep their ideas?
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In a skeptic tank. --- (Note: I just made up this joke earlier today. I'm not 100% sure the joke is obvious; feel free to suggest a better wording!)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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2 little brothers wanted to make mommy mad.
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Little Kyle is 4 years old and his brother Timmy is 3. Kyle says "Hey, Timmy. Want to make mommy mad?" "Sure! How?" Timmy says. Kyle tells him "We gotta say a bad word, I'll say a 4 letter word since I'm 4. You have to say one that's 3 letters." "OK! This sounds like fun!" said Timmy. The 2 boys proceed downstairs for breakfast, and see their mommy getting ready for work. "OK, Kyle what do you want for breakfast?" Their mommy says. He replies "I'll have some DAMN cheerios." Their mommy, completely shocked, smacks Kyle in the mouth due to his foul language. Still mad she asks Timmy what he wants for breakfast. Timmy says "Well, you can bet your ass I don't want cheerios."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Jewish Cab Driver
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Jewish Cab Driver: A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, then what are you doing?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'aam, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis naked lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Reverse-order Light Bulb joke
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Punch line- Five men and a cat. One guy to labor for hours on the light bulb, hoping to earn the approval of his peers. The other four to applaud the cat. How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb? EDIT- Don't upvote. Please take this, reword it, and turn it into something beautiful. Then repost.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A pirate walks into a bar...
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A pirate walks into a bar and sits. He is dressed as a stereotypical pirate, with a hook hand, peg leg, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder. As the bartender prepares his drink, he asks, "What happened to your hand?" The pirate replies, "I was sparring with me crew and one cut off me hand." Bartender: "What about your leg?" Pirate: "We were boarding an enemy ship and one guy went and cut off me leg." Bartender: "And the eyepatch?" Pirate: "Well, Polly pooped in me eye." The bartender exclaims, "That doesn't make you lose an eye!" The pirate sighs and says, "It was me first day with the hook."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear the CEO of Honda wont be back next year?
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He's leaving of his own accord. Edit: grammar.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A newly appointed priest is speaking to his congregation for the first time...
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He tells them "welcome to St James church, where you can be rest assured that we will not touch your children". He delivers a stunning message but chimes in that he "will not touch your children" every five minutes. As he is meeting and greeting, every five minutes he mentions "I won't touch the children". He has dinner with some of the families. During the meal he continues to remind them how he won't touch their kids. One of the mothers finally speaks up "Father, you are a man of the Lord. We trust you and know that you will not touch our children. There is no reason to keep stating it so often." "I know right!" he replies, "I told that to the judge at my parole sentencing but he's *still* making me do this!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer?
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Mick Jagger says "Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud..." the Scottish farmer says "Hey McCloud get off of my ewe"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A zebra died and went to heaven...
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Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter. "Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says. The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?" Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and finally replies "I cannot answer such a question of identity, only God can do that. He will be more than happy to answer you in his chambers over there." The zebra quickly goes into God's chambers and asks the question again, to only have God reply "My creature, you are what you are." Disappointed, he goes back to Saint Peter saying, "God didn't answer my question, he simply told me 'you are what you are.'" "Ah, but creature, don't you see? That means you are white with black stripes." "What do you mean?" The zebra asked, "How do you get that just from his response?" "Because, creature. If you were black with white stripes he would have said 'You is whatchu is'"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A young man wants to be an actor...
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...and is visiting an agent. The agent asked him all sorts of questions about what types of movies he wants to play in, his experience, and where he was from and at the end said "You sounds quite promising, I can arrange some auditions and keep you informed about whats available. What is your name?" and the young man responds "Penis van Lesbian." At first the agent thinks he is joking, but the man is serious. The agent tells him "I think you'll need to change your name or use a stage name, no one will hire you with a name like Penis van Lesbian." Mr. Lesbian is quite perturbed and says he'll think about it. The next day, he comes back. He tells the agent that he decided to change his name so that he could act, even though he liked his name and was quite attached to it. The producer asks him what his new name is, and he responds. "Dick van Dyke"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man is thinking about joining a gym.
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He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities". The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?" The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line". "OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?" "Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers. "Why not?" the man asks. "There isn't any punch line."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How long does it take a necrophiliac to screw in a light bulb?
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Not long... they like to do it while it's still warm.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Priest and the Pope
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A priest is in the vatican bathroom taking a piss at the urinals when the Pope walks in and stands next to him. The bishop just happens to look down and notice that the Pope is wearing what looks like a nicotine patch on his penis. He say to the Pope "I don't mean to be rude your holiness but I believe that those are supposed to go on your arms." The Pope smiles and says "No, it's working just fine, I'm down to three butts a day."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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And The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life"
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...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Amal & Juan
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." *I didn't write this, and it's not intended to be a repost, just liked it and thought I'd share :)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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7 dwarves were in a room and they started feeling sleepy.
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So he left.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Whats the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
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A rooster goes cockle-doodle-doo and and a prostitute goes any cock will do
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the cannibal get when he arrived late for dinner?
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The cold shoulder!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
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You can't hear an enzyme
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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At least its thick...
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Last night I was making out with this chick when she pulled away for a second and whispered, "Give me eight inches and make it hurt, baby." So, of course, being the gentleman that I am, I stuck my dick in her twice and punched her in the face.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Irishman visits his doctor after a long illness.
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An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I’m afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints." After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers. Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy’s old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son. After his friends leave, the guys’ son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion "Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" “Well“, the guy says, "I just don't want any of them fucking me in the ass after I'm gone."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
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Just the two... but it takes a whole dedicated team at emergency to remove it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Heading to market
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Little Johnny's mom sends him out to the store for some nuts so she can make brownies. On the way to the store, little johnny witnesses a horrendous car accident in which a car explodes with a man still inside. Stunned by what he jus saw he runs all the way home to tell his mom. He runs in and says, "Mom there was this giant accident!!! This guy was trapped in a car and it exploded! His body parts went everywhere! His arm flew this way and his leg the other way it was intense!" To which his mom replies, "And the nuts!?" "O I don't know where they went.." Joke I heard when I was kid, sorry if repost or if the wording is a bit off, its been a while.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My mom told me this joke. I tried adapting it for Reddit...hopefully the humor isn't lost in translation.
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A blonde takes part in a raffle and is flabbergasted to hear that she won a free helicopter ride. She becomes very excited at the thought of being able to fly around in a helicopter. The day finally comes when the woman is going to fly in the helicopter. As she is getting ready, the pilot explains that he'll be pointing out interesting landmarks and tells her that if she has any questions, that she should feel free to ask. After they take-off, the pilot starts showing the woman all of the skyscrapers in the city and remarks on their historic significance. The woman is having a great time, but eventually she starts feeling cold. So she turns to the pilot and says "Could you turn the fan off?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There were 2 goldfish in a tank
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One said to the other, "you man the guns, I drive."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man has three daughters...
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And one day his oldest daughter came up to him and asked, "Daddy, why is my name Lily?" The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." The daughter thanked him and ran off. Later, the middle daughter came up to him and said, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?" The man replied, "Because that's the first thing that fell on your head when you were born, sweetheart." Again, his daughter thanked him and ran off. Later, the last daughter came up to him, and said, "Uhhhouahhhaauma." The man said, "Shut up, Cinder Block."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde takes her dress into the dry cleaners...
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On the way out the lady at the counter says "Come again!" The blonder replies "No, this time it's toothpaste you nosy bitch!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do mice have such small balls?
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Because so few of them know how to dance.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A girl walks into a bar, asks the bartender for a double entendre.
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Then he gave it to her.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Speechmaking
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." edit=correct word(s)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A little girl and a businessman are sitting next to each other on a plane.
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The girl is reading, but the businessman is obviously getting bored. So, he says to her "ya know, talking is the best way to pass the time on a flight." The girl, showing slight annoyance, puts down her book and says "okay, what do you want to talk about?" He says "let's talk about religion, do you believe in God?" The girl answers "yes." "Well, I don't," says the man, "how could anybody believe that an invisible man who floats in the sky created everything?" The girl responds with "there are three animals, a rabbit, a horse, and a cow. The rabbit poops little pellets, the horse poops chunks, and the cow poops patties. Why is that?" The man hesitates, and says "I don't know." "Well," the girl says, "don't try to talk about God when you don't know crap."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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/r/jokes, I need your help to win a woman, please! (sorry this isn't a joke post)
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I am going on a first date with a girl whom I ***really*** like and she loves humor and to laugh, and I NEED TO KNOW some serious gut buster jokes. I don't care if they're dirty or sexual or furthermore offensive in nature. Please, just lay your best stuff on me in the comments. Not looking for karma, I only need help! Edit: May 10, 2013 - The girl and I had a great time and I made her laugh a lot! Had a great time! Thank you for some of these jokes, reddit! Asked her out on another date!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Finest Praying
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Three neighbors were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty." The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image. The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father." The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Racism in the workplace
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"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge." "That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?" "Yes please." "To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires...
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Somewhere there is a scouser with a lamp and one wish left. /english humour
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So two whales are swimming in the ocean...
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So two whales are swimming in the ocean when they come upon a small fishing boat. The first whale turns to the second whale and says, "Hey! We should go tip that boat!" The second whale agrees so they both swim under one side of the boat and blow out of their blowholes as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the sailors are dumped into the water. The first whale asks the second, "You wanna eat those sailors?" The second whale turns to the first and says, "How many times do I have to tell you? I don't mind the occasional blowjob but I will never swallow the seamen!" EDIT: Eat => swallow
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...
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and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today. The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early. The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early. As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Chunks
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A guy walks into a beer store, and asks the employee, Guy: This is my first time buying beer, what do you recommend? Employee: Bud Light is popular? Guy: I'll take a 24 then. Same guy comes into the same beer store a week later and asks the same employee for a 24 of different beer. Employee: Did you not like the Bud Light? Guy: No, it made me blow chunks. Employee: That happens to all of us if we drink to much. Guy: You don't understand, Chunks is my dog.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I discovered that Germans invented cunnilingus...
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Apparantly they've been yodeling in the black forest for centuries.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I hate being bi-polar
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It's awesome
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Atheist and a Bear
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man was married to his wife for 8 years
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during the course of the 8 years he always used a dildo whenever they had sex. He always kept all the lights off and hid them under the matress when they finished. One day the wife was moving the room around cleaning and came across them. The wife confused and angry waited for the husband to get off work and confronted him. Wife: We need to talk Man: Whats wrong? Wife: I need for you to explain these dildos right now! Man: ( smile on face) Sure, right after you explain the kids
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My grandfather passed away early this morning. To commemerate him, here is a favorite joke of his
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A man and woman were on their honeymoon after a quick courtship. They met, fell, and love, and were quickly married. On their honeymoon, they decide to go for a horse ride through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the wifes's horse mis-steps and jostles the her. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. A bit further down the path, the wife's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. As the afternoon sun began to set, the wife's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the wife's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his jacket, and shoots the horse dead. The wife, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!" The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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This was told to me by a 10 year girl while waiting in line to pay for gas.
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A big shot rich guy died and went to the pearly gates, St Peter told him he was going to hell for greed. The guy is like, " Evey one has it his price how much to get in?" St Peter replied, "Sorry, Pre-Pray only"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I used to have phone sex
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now I have hearing aids
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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the lord will save me
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So there is a religious guy living in an area that is being greatly flooded. (Let’s call him father Otis) when there is a couple of inches of water on the ground a guy on a surfboard comes along and says in a think Mexican accent "father Otis I get you to safety just hop on my board and I take you outa here." Father Otis replies "don’t worry about me sonny, if I should go into any danger, THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!" "Whatever man" Later when the water gets to covering his entire first floor, father Otis is sitting with his legs out the window on the second floor, and an elderly couple on a rowboat rows up to him, saying "father get in we will take you to safety" Father Otis replies "don’t worry, if I should be put in any danger, THE LORD Will SAVE ME!" "I wish you luck" Later Father Otis is sitting on his roof because the water is covering the vast majority of his house, and a big coast guard rescue boat comes up and yells at him through a microphone SIR WE NEED TO GET YOU TO SAFTY THE FLOODING IS ONLY GOOING TO GET WORSE!" Father Otis replies with "don’t worry about me lads, if anything is to put me in any danger, THE LORD WILL SAVE ME” And the boat goes off. Near the climax of the flooding father Otis is on the peak of his roof and a National Guard helicopter is hovering above him and drops a rope he yells at the helicopter, “DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME, IF I AM PUT INTO ANY DANGER THE LORD WILL SAVE ME!” The heli replies “SIR YOU NEED TO GRAB THE ROPE YOU WILL BE FINE” Father Otis refuses and flew helicopter flies off. After that the water rises too high and father Otis drowns. When he is in heaven, he asks god, “Hey god, how come you didn’t save me?” God replies “well, I gave you a guy on a surfboard two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My Personal Favorite Little Johnny Joke
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One day in class the teacher brought a bag. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy."Is it a peach?"Billy asks."No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking,"the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man goes to a restaurant
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He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?" The waiter says "A penny." The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?" The waiter says, "A nickel" The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!" The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife." Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man and his wife have four beautiful daughters
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They decide they want one more child. Sure enough, nine months later they have a fifth. Overjoyed when he can finally see it, the man looks at it in the nursery of the hospital, and it is the ugliest child he has ever seen in his life. He talks to his wife and says, "There is no way that child is mine! We have four beautiful daughters! Have you been cheating on me?" She says "Not this time, honey."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I was walking down the street one day..
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and a man threw a bit of cheese at my head, i turned to him and said; 'oh, real mature mate'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Coloured Eggs
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A rooster was strutting around the hen house one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I was walking down the street one day..
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and I saw a man taking a gate. I was going to say something but I thought he might take offence.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Just had a very embarrassing misunderstanding with my new Irish girlfriend.
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Turns out she just wanted me to take her in the Yaris.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I went to the zoo today, but it only had one animal!
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It was a Shitzu ... I'll see myself out edit: apparantly this is another common repost which I have never seen. Oh well, I like it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What'd the man with 5 penises say..?
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These pants fit like a glove!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Sundae
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An elderly couple is sitting in their living room, when the Mrs gets an idea. "Honey," she exclaimed, "Would you mind going out and picking me up an ice cream sundae?" "Sure," He says, "I've got nothing else better to do." "But I want a special sundae, would you like me to write it down?" "No thanks", he says "What do you want on it?" "First I want it so that there is chocolate ice cream on one side, and then vanilla in the middle, and strawberry on the other side. Are you sure you don't want me to write this down?" "Positive," He says. She goes on. "I then want caramel sauce on the chocolate side, and fudge on the strawberry side, and whipped cream on the vanilla. I really think I should write this down for you." "No, I'm fine," He assures her. "Anything else on that?" "Yes!" she says "I want covered in raspberries, strawberries, with a single cherry on top. Are you sure you don't want me to write this down for you?" "YES!!!" The husband exclaims, "You want a special sundae. In a row you want chocolate covered in caramel, vanilla covered in whipped cream, and strawberry covered in fudge. You then want the entire thing covered with raspberries, strawberries, and a single cherry sitting at the top. I don't need something in writing to remind me what I'm getting." The husband sets off to fetch his wife the sundae. Two hours later, he returns with a greasy paper bag. The wife opens it to discover a couple of bagels. She smiles, looks at him and says, "you forgot the cream cheese".
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