Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	One of the funniest jokes on reddit.	/r/atheism
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	In Theory...	In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they never are.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a deaf woman say to a premature ejaculator?	Come again?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?	Sparky
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between cancer and a black guy?	Cancer can get jobs
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.	A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!". She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?". The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Good Mother in Law	A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said “honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window	The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual" One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks. Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word." The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel." The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time. Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you." The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer". The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...	I simply refused.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Ellen	In a poll for the audience, Ellen asks for a show of hands how often they have sex with their partners. She asks, "Two or three times a week?" Some hands go up Then, "Once a week?" Some other hands go up. To be facetious, "Once a year?" A gentlemen in the back shoots up and chants, "Me! Me!" Ellen resonds, "Once a year? You seem pretty excited about that!" The man shouts, "Yeah! And tonight's the night!" (Quoted out of context. Heard from a guest at my work, but had to share. Had me rollin.)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Newly Weds	After the ceremony, a newly wed couple celebrated their marriage at the brides father's ranch. The groom, having traveled a lot during their relationship, didn't have a chance to acquaint himself to anyone but the brides mother and father. During the dinner, he finally got to meet most of the brides family members, including her gorgeous younger sister. Even at first glance, she was very flirtatious. She sat at the dinner table and practically couldn't stop staring at the groom. Before long, she even started to play footsies with him. An hour in, the groom got the picture: She wanted him, and wanted him now. The brides sister excused herself and went upstairs. As she walked by the groom on her way out, she lightly nudged him to signal him to come with her. The temptation was immense, and the groom could not hold back to such a beauty. The groom waited a minute, and followed her up. As he came upstairs, he saw a dimly lit light in one of the bedrooms. As he entered, he walked in on the brides sister taking her dress off, with nothing but skimpy lingerie underneath. His temptation turned into pure lust, and he walked up to her and began to strip her naked; kissing and massaging her as he lay her on the bed. Just as he was about to undress himself, she stopped him and asked him if he had any preservatives. He knew he didn't, and, frustratingly bolted out of the bedroom and ran downstairs. As he flew out the bedroom and down the stairs. To his complete and utter shock, he stood motionless when he seen the entire family surround the stairs and front door. As he stood there, speechless, the brides father came up to him and gave him the tightest hug he'd ever had, and said, "Thank you, son. We did not get a chance to really get to know you, and wanted to test you to see how faithful you'd be by having your wife's sister seduce you." The groom stared in shock for a long while, and finally thought to himself: Holy shit, am I glad I left the condoms in the car.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill?	Rick O'Shay.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the Republican get a sunburn?	Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When I die.....	I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not terrified and screaming like everyone else in his car.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man went to eat lunch....	A man went to eat lunch one day at a spanish restaurant. Not knowing what a majority of the menu was he ordered the only thing he could understand, "Meatball soup". After waiting for half an hour his food finally arrived but he noticed that the meatballs were relatively bigger than the average meatball, so he asks his waiter, "Why are the meatballs so big?" To which the waiter replies, "Oh you see, our meatballs come from the bulls from our stadium where bull fighting is a thing, so today yet again, our men won and so we have bull balls for you to eat." Appalled, the man was hesitant to eat these meatballs but since he was starving he had no choice. When he first tasted the meatballs he was astonished to find that they were absolutely delicious and ate everything up within minutes, so he paid for his meal and left for home. The next day, he came back to the same restaurant and ordered the same meatballs. After waiting for a few minutes, his food finally arrived. However, he noticed that the meatballs were smaller than yesterday's. Not giving it s second thought, he just ate it and felt that yet again that the meatballs were delicious. After finishing his meal, he asked the waiter, "The meatballs were fantastic but why are the meatballs smaller than the one's I had yesterday?" To which the waiter replied,"The bull won today." :)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you do with a dead chemist?	You Barium.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Grocery Economics	A man and his economist friend are having lunch. the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on." The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?	Trick question. Feminists can't change anything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An American doctor and a Cuban doctor are having drinks...	.. and bragging about how good they are in their fields. The American doctor says "I can do a kidney transplant in 4 hours." Cuban doctor says "I got you beat. I can do it in 3." The American doctor says "I can do open heart surgery in less than 3 hours!" Cuban doctor says "That's nothing. I can do it in one and a half." The American doctor says, "I can do an appendectomy in 1 hour." Cuban doctor says "Sir, I can do one in the time it takes to hard boil an egg." The American doctor, flustered, mutters "Well, I can remove someone's tonsils in about 15 minutes." The Cuban doctor sighs, "Well you have me beat there, friend. Tonsils requires a 6 to 8 hour operation in Cuba." The American doctor, confused, asks "What? Why would it take such an easy procedure so long??" The Cuban doctor replies, "Well, in America, you can just open the patient's mouth and remove the tonsils. But in Cuba, since we can't open our mouths for anything, we need to reach in and pull the tonsils out through the patient's asshole."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?	You can't gargle sand.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man with no arms and no legs is at the beach...	...As a woman walks by. He then asks her "May I have a hug for a helpless man like me?" "Of course!" The woman replied as she gave him a hug. Another woman walked by and the man asked her "Would a fine lady like you spare a kiss for me?" "I would love to!" she replied giving him a kiss. Another woman then walks by and the man asks "Will you fuck me?" The woman then picks up the man and throws him into the water and says "There. Your fucked."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Girl, do you have 67 protons?	Cuz you a Ho
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the fish say when he hit the wall?	Dam!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	None; they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you hear about the eskimo couple?	One cold night, she broke it off!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There was once a man who loved going to see plays..	There was once a man who loved going to see plays, and he had a favorite play-house that he went to very often. In this play-house, if you donate enough money they will let you have a small, non-speaking part, and eventually he donated so much money that they gave him a line, which was "Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?" He was so excited by his line that he practiced it over and over again, repeating "Hark! Is that a cannon I hear? Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?" for months leading up to the play. Finally, it was the day of the play, and in his scene the cannon rang out, and he shouted out, "Holy shit what was that?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An man with no arms walks into a bell tower...	...to apply for a job as the bell-ringer. He finds the proprietor and asks for a job. The proprietor says, "Well, sir, I don't think we'll be able to hire you. You have no arms with which to ring the bell." The man replies , "Sir, please. My father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, I must ring the bells." The proprietor is skeptical, but gives the man the job. On his first day on the job, the armless man walks up to the top of the tower to ring the bells. He winds, up and smashes his head into the bell. BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell starts swaying back and forth, harder and faster, and eventually swings back and nocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestone below. A little old man was sitting on a bench below the tower when this happened. A passerby saw as well and asks the old man, "Did you know him?" The old man said, "No, but his face rings a bell." Another man with no arms walks into the same bell tower and applies for a job as the bell-ringer. He speaks with the proprietor who was shocked to find another applicant for the job so soon. The proprietor refused to give the job to the armless man. "No, the last bell-ringer didn't work out. I don't think you would be a good fit for the job." The armless man protested, "Sir, my father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, my brother before me was a bell-ringer. It is my destiny to ring the bells." Grudgingly, the proprietor accepted. "Alright, but be careful." The armless man walks up to the top of the tower to ring the bells. He begins to ring the bell by smashing his head into it. BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell begins to build momentum, and eventually the bell swings back and nocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestone below. The same little old man was sitting on a bench below the tower, and a passerby walked by and saw the carnage. "Did you know him?" said the passerby. "No" said the old man, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man goes to his optometrist...	He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside. He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!" The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...	And hands it over to the bank teller. Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?" The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	All the forest animals are having a big car show..	..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing. "WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?" "Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the bear. The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari. "Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this!" The Fox, grabbing a towel out of its back pocket gives the bunny a dirty look and mutters "I don't spend every acorn i earn on booze.." The bunny, amazed, takes another swig of vodka and hops his way back into the woods. As everyone is adding the finishing touches to their rides, ready to open the show to the public, a helicopter lands in the middle of it all with the bunny in the pilot seat. He barely makes two hops and throws up. "Wow bunny.. how on earth did you ever manage to afford that?!" the amazed onlookers exclaim. " hic.. turned in my empties"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number?	Nought two sixty.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What will the neighbors think?	With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Single Ladies.	A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Your mama is so fat...	The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?	Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do witches not wear panties?	You get better grip on the brooms.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...	His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email: "Father, I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do? Your loving son" The father then replies the next day "Son, The gold plated train is on its way Dad"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…	* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll." * Your Jedi robe is camouflage. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookies are offended by your B.O. * You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot." * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. * You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. * Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master". * You know Ewoks squeal like pigs. * You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster. * Your land-speeder had a light saber rack. * If you hear … "Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An elderly couple on a cruise . . .	An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise. The old woman faxed back: Thank you for the notice. So send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...	There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret. Princess Leah is Luke's sister! Luke was obviously distraught! Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke said to him, "Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!" Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, "Luke, use divorce."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench.	Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird! The blonde gazes up into the air says where?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...	...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead. They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you fit an elephant in the subway? (x-post)	You take the 'S' out of sub, and the 'F' out of way.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	heard this on Storage Wars	A Chinese couple own a restaurant, they're in the bedroom and the husband asks if they can 69 and the wife says why you want beef and broccoli now?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call it when Charlie Sheen's brother has sex with him?	Emilio Incestevez
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman places an add on Craig's list...	Looking for a date. Her post reads "I'm looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run around on me and has a big dick." The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door she sees a man with no arms and no legs in a wheel chair. "I'm answering your add on craigs list" he says. "And before you say no, let me explain. I have no arms,so I can't beat you and I have no legs so i can't run around on you." "Okay" the woman says, "but what about your dick?" The man tells her "I rang the fuckin doorbell didn't I?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dough Boy	Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an illegitimate female cow?	Miss Steak
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet	One egg a month
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint?	I'm always taken for granite!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Driving on the highway	Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award. "So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop "I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed. "Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and stoned." Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone?	SHELLom
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I think i am allergic to leather.	Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Be wary of the chore of painting . . .	A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, “I’m done.” The man asked, “How did you get done so fast?” The lady said, “It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrarri not a Porsche.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Brewery managers go to a bar	In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said: - Por favor, Senor, could i have a bottle of Corona, the best beer in the world. The bartender got a bottle, opened it and poured it to a glass. Next up was Budweisers head manager, who ordered: - A can of the king of American beers, Budweiser, Thank you. The bartender gave him a can and a glass. Then it was Guinness' head managers turn. He ordered: - Could i get a large coke with ice, please. The bartender gave him the coke while the two other brewery managers watched stunned. They had to ask: - Why didn't you order Guinness? The Guinness' head manager answered: - I thought that if you fellows don't want to drink beer, I won't drink it either.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Japanese man on vacation in america...	Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!" -edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hillbilly Ma says to her son,	"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse." "What fer ma?" "Jis go 'n hava look." So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says. "Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse. "Still don't see nuthin," he says. "Stick yer head in the hole." "But, Ma." "Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole. Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck." "Aggravating isn't it?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Blonde walks into a...	A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.	Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man is using an outhouse....	and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedly tries to button his trousers up. He tries to turn around but there is not enough room in the outhouse. He then opens the door, steps out, turns toward the outhouse, removes a 20 dollar bill from his wallet, and throws it down into the hole. His brother was next in line for the outhouse and witnessed this. So he asked him,"Hey, what the hell did you do that for?" to which the man replied, "Well I'm sure as hell not going in there for a buck fifty."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A sheep and a hole [PG]	Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first camper says "jeez, it must be really deep!" and picks up a larger rock. Using both hands he heaves it into the hole. The campers put their heads down and listen for the big rock to hit. Nothing! The second camper looks puzzled, and then spots a boulder. "Hey come and help me with this" he says, and they both start lugging the enormous rock to the hole. "3-2-1" both campers shove the boulder into the hole and quickly put their heads down to listen to the impact. Not even 3 seconds go by and a sheep runs and JUMPS into the hole. Both campers look at each other bewildered. "Did you see that?? A sheep just ran and jumped into the hole!" A few minutes pass, and a farmer comes up. The farmer asks "Hey, have you guys seen my sheep?" The first camper says, "Yeah, the craziest thing happened! Your sheep ran, and jumped into this hole!" The farmer laughed, and said "That's impossible! My sheep was tied to a rock."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Who Is The Real Boss?	The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”. One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	As i walked my girlfriend home	Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town. As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin. "Look at that poor fucker, I'm glad I'm not him." He probably thought.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I almost got into an accident with someone who was texting and driving...	luckily I braked just in time or else I would've spilt my beer.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Rabbi and Priest	A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A college professor dies...	A college professor dies, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is met by St. Peter. Peter tells the professor that he can choose to go to Heaven or Hell. The Professor, somewhat confused, asks to see Hell first. St. Peter takes him there. He sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards nonstop. He then asks to see Heaven. Again, he sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards. The Professor says that they seem the same. St. Peter replies "Ah, but in Heaven, you have tenure."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Sunday School Teacher . . .	A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Heaven or Hell . . .	An old lady was chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "Now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I already have the holes for that".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why didn't the NSA request AT&T's phone records?	Because they can't monitor all those dropped calls!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where's the best place to weigh a pie?	[singing] Some-where over the rain-bow... Weigh a pie.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'm a pretty neutral guy.	I find it hard to choose sides. I mean, I have an uncle who drives a truck for Pepsi and a cousin who sucks dick for coke.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was the sacajawea coin made?	because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Yeah I got a job at Coca Cola...	It's sodapressing.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The lobotomist ran off with my wife...	And I think he took off with my better half.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)	What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt. The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you." "But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are pedophiles terrible Blackjack players?	They don't hit on anything over 14.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the technical term for a female to male sex change?	A strapadictome
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...	I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you get when you stick your hand in a blender?	a handshake
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous...	But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Is cakeday. Comment with best Latvian joke.	Make laugh. Is good distract from malnourish.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	inspired by frontpage's TIL about the guy fawkes mask: how many occupy protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?	none, occupy protesters can't change anything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Not racist but this is one my brother told me	Why were most black soldiers killed in Vietnam? Because when the Sargent yelled "everybody get down!" All the black people started dancing. Alright I'm done.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man comes home from a trip...	looking terribly beat up, and when his wife asks him what happened he tells her "A crazy man assaulted me on the plane! He was trying to ass rape me, and he was HUGE so my only other option was to jump off the plane!" His wife asks "Oh my god! Did you jump?!" and the man replies "Well yeah...a little...at first."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are ducks funny?	Cause they be quacking jokes
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two rich men and a terrorist are on top of a building...	...and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, "Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!" and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The terrorist says,"I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you." He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than the other two men. Once the men get down, they decide to see what happened to the coins and the bomb. At the place where the first man's coin landed, they see a boy crying. "What's wrong?", they ask. The boy replies,"Daddy got killed by a silver coin from the sky!" The two men shrug, and keep on going. They get to the place where the other man's coin landed, and see a girl crying on the sidewalk. "Whats wrong?" they ask again. The girl sobs, "We were outside walking and grandma got hit on the forehead by a silver coin and died!" The two men shrug again and walk off to the place where the bomb landed, expecting a whole family to be in tears. However, when they get to the place, they see a boy laughing his head off in front of a smoking crater, with his dad scratching his head in the background. "What in the world happened here?", asked the businessmen. The boy replies, "Daddy farted and the house blew up!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Paddy has sex for the first time	After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was. "It was amazing," Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet." "Why was that?" Asked Murphy. "Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," Paddy replied.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you advertise a motor home?	A trailer
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live?	The spaghetto.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a gay dinosaur?	Cockinasoreass. (Better when said aloud)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Never trust atoms.	They make up everything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The three businessman: Canadian, Mexican and American, are flying to the meeting...	… the pilot comes on the radio and tells the three passengers that they need to throw something that they don’t need. Mexican goes first and throws out tacos. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” Canadian throws out hockey stick. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” American throws out the Mexican saying: “we have a lot of them back home.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What time did Sean Connery arrive at the Wimbledon?	Tennish
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three friends are talking at a bar	The first one says, "You know, at this place, when you buy one drink, you get the next one free." The second one says, "My favorite bar is better. You buy the first drink, and you get the next two for free." "I know that place too, but I know a better bar," says the third friend. "There, you buy the first drink, get the next one free, get another one for free, then they take you upstairs and you have sex for free!" They look at the guy and ask, "Whoa are you serious?" He says, "Yeah, of course, why would I lie?" "Did that happen to you?" "No, but it happens to my sister all the time."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Tragedy in Poland	The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery. So far 374 bodies have been found. Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Heard this one 20 years ago in India	At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital sex, more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace. "In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee." No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes. Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back. Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had sexual congress may stand!" "Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies?	Where there's a Will, there's a way.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Five old ladies in a car . . .	Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There are 3 roosters, a straight one, a backwards one, and a gay one. The straight rooster says cock-a-doodle doo. The backwards rooster says doo doodle cock. What does the gay rooster say?	Any cock'll do
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between an event at the X Games and a sorrority?	One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts

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One of the funniest jokes on reddit.

/r/atheism

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In Theory...

In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they never are.

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What does a deaf woman say to a premature ejaculator?

Come again?

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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky

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What's the difference between cancer and a black guy?

Cancer can get jobs

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Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!". She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?". The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

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Good Mother in Law

A daughter was talking to her mom about married life, she told her mom that she wanted to divorce her husband because he liked anal sex. She told her mom that when she married her husband her asshole was the size of a dime and now it was the size of a quarter. Her mom said “honey, he is a millionaire, he gives you $10,000 a week for clothes, you travel all the time, you have houses all over the world, you get a new Mercedes every 6 months and you are bitching about 15 cents?”

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A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual" One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks. Figuring out what the dog came here for, the receptionist gets the office manager, who looks at the dog surprised. However, the dog looked so confident that the manager leads him into the office, where the dog jumps on a chair and looks at the manager. The manager sits down, looks back at the dog and says "I can't hire you, the sign says that you have to be able to use a computer and Word." The dog jumps down, walks to a computer and begins to create a word document, drafting a letter for the manager. Caught off guard but unconvinced, the manager says "The sign also says you have to be good with excel." The dog then goes on to create a perfect spreadsheet that works flawlessly the first time. Dumb-founded, the manager looks at the dog and says "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog with some interesting abilities. However, I still can't hire you." The dog jumps down and walks over to a copy of the sign, putting his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer". The manager says "Yes, we are an equal opportunity employer. However, the sign also says you need to be bilingual." The dog looks at the manager confidently and says, "Meow."

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My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp...

I simply refused.

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Ellen

In a poll for the audience, Ellen asks for a show of hands how often they have sex with their partners. She asks, "Two or three times a week?" Some hands go up Then, "Once a week?" Some other hands go up. To be facetious, "Once a year?" A gentlemen in the back shoots up and chants, "Me! Me!" Ellen resonds, "Once a year? You seem pretty excited about that!" The man shouts, "Yeah! And tonight's the night!" (*Quoted out of context. Heard from a guest at my work, but had to share. Had me rollin.*)

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The Newly Weds

After the ceremony, a newly wed couple celebrated their marriage at the brides father's ranch. The groom, having traveled a lot during their relationship, didn't have a chance to acquaint himself to anyone but the brides mother and father. During the dinner, he finally got to meet most of the brides family members, including her gorgeous younger sister. Even at first glance, she was very flirtatious. She sat at the dinner table and practically couldn't stop staring at the groom. Before long, she even started to play footsies with him. An hour in, the groom got the picture: She wanted him, and wanted him now. The brides sister excused herself and went upstairs. As she walked by the groom on her way out, she lightly nudged him to signal him to come with her. The temptation was immense, and the groom could not hold back to such a beauty. The groom waited a minute, and followed her up. As he came upstairs, he saw a dimly lit light in one of the bedrooms. As he entered, he walked in on the brides sister taking her dress off, with nothing but skimpy lingerie underneath. His temptation turned into pure lust, and he walked up to her and began to strip her naked; kissing and massaging her as he lay her on the bed. Just as he was about to undress himself, she stopped him and asked him if he had any preservatives. He knew he didn't, and, frustratingly bolted out of the bedroom and ran downstairs. As he flew out the bedroom and down the stairs. To his complete and utter shock, he stood motionless when he seen the entire family surround the stairs and front door. As he stood there, speechless, the brides father came up to him and gave him the tightest hug he'd ever had, and said, "Thank you, son. We did not get a chance to really get to know you, and wanted to test you to see how faithful you'd be by having your wife's sister seduce you." The groom stared in shock for a long while, and finally thought to himself: *Holy shit, am I glad I left the condoms in the car.*

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What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill?

Rick O'Shay.

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Why did the Republican get a sunburn?

Because the sunscreen instructed to apply liberally and he was unwilling to compromise.

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When I die.....

I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not terrified and screaming like everyone else in his car.

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A man went to eat lunch....

A man went to eat lunch one day at a spanish restaurant. Not knowing what a majority of the menu was he ordered the only thing he could understand, "Meatball soup". After waiting for half an hour his food finally arrived but he noticed that the meatballs were relatively bigger than the average meatball, so he asks his waiter, "Why are the meatballs so big?" To which the waiter replies, "Oh you see, our meatballs come from the bulls from our stadium where bull fighting is a thing, so today yet again, our men won and so we have bull balls for you to eat." Appalled, the man was hesitant to eat these meatballs but since he was starving he had no choice. When he first tasted the meatballs he was astonished to find that they were absolutely delicious and ate everything up within minutes, so he paid for his meal and left for home. The next day, he came back to the same restaurant and ordered the same meatballs. After waiting for a few minutes, his food finally arrived. However, he noticed that the meatballs were smaller than yesterday's. Not giving it s second thought, he just ate it and felt that yet again that the meatballs were delicious. After finishing his meal, he asked the waiter, "The meatballs were fantastic but why are the meatballs smaller than the one's I had yesterday?" To which the waiter replied,"The bull won today." :)

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What do you do with a dead chemist?

You Barium.

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Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch. the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on." The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick question. Feminists can't change anything.

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An American doctor and a Cuban doctor are having drinks...

.. and bragging about how good they are in their fields. The American doctor says "I can do a kidney transplant in 4 hours." Cuban doctor says "I got you beat. I can do it in 3." The American doctor says "I can do open heart surgery in less than 3 hours!" Cuban doctor says "That's nothing. I can do it in one and a half." The American doctor says, "I can do an appendectomy in 1 hour." Cuban doctor says "Sir, I can do one in the time it takes to hard boil an egg." The American doctor, flustered, mutters "Well, I can remove someone's tonsils in about 15 minutes." The Cuban doctor sighs, "Well you have me beat there, friend. Tonsils requires a 6 to 8 hour operation in Cuba." The American doctor, confused, asks "What? Why would it take such an easy procedure so long??" The Cuban doctor replies, "Well, in America, you can just open the patient's mouth and remove the tonsils. But in Cuba, since we can't open our mouths for anything, we need to reach in and pull the tonsils out through the patient's asshole."

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What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

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A man with no arms and no legs is at the beach...

...As a woman walks by. He then asks her "May I have a hug for a helpless man like me?" "Of course!" The woman replied as she gave him a hug. Another woman walked by and the man asked her "Would a fine lady like you spare a kiss for me?" "I would love to!" she replied giving him a kiss. Another woman then walks by and the man asks "Will you fuck me?" The woman then picks up the man and throws him into the water and says "There. Your fucked."

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Girl, do you have 67 protons?

Cuz you a Ho

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What did the fish say when he hit the wall?

Dam!

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How many friendzoned guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None; they all stand around complementing it then get mad when it wont screw. Heard from my friend

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Did you hear about the eskimo couple?

One cold night, she broke it off!

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There was once a man who loved going to see plays..

There was once a man who loved going to see plays, and he had a favorite play-house that he went to very often. In this play-house, if you donate enough money they will let you have a small, non-speaking part, and eventually he donated so much money that they gave him a line, which was "Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?" He was so excited by his line that he practiced it over and over again, repeating "Hark! Is that a cannon I hear? Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?" for months leading up to the play. Finally, it was the day of the play, and in his scene the cannon rang out, and he shouted out, "Holy shit what was that?!"

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An man with no arms walks into a bell tower...

...to apply for a job as the bell-ringer. He finds the proprietor and asks for a job. The proprietor says, "Well, sir, I don't think we'll be able to hire you. You have no arms with which to ring the bell." The man replies , "Sir, please. My father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, I must ring the bells." The proprietor is skeptical, but gives the man the job. On his first day on the job, the armless man walks up to the top of the tower to ring the bells. He winds, up and smashes his head into the bell. BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell starts swaying back and forth, harder and faster, and eventually swings back and nocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestone below. A little old man was sitting on a bench below the tower when this happened. A passerby saw as well and asks the old man, "Did you know him?" The old man said, "No, but his face rings a bell." Another man with no arms walks into the same bell tower and applies for a job as the bell-ringer. He speaks with the proprietor who was shocked to find another applicant for the job so soon. The proprietor refused to give the job to the armless man. "No, the last bell-ringer didn't work out. I don't think you would be a good fit for the job." The armless man protested, "Sir, my father was a bell-ringer, my grandfather was a bell-ringer, my brother before me was a bell-ringer. It is my destiny to ring the bells." Grudgingly, the proprietor accepted. "Alright, but be careful." The armless man walks up to the top of the tower to ring the bells. He begins to ring the bell by smashing his head into it. BONG, BONG, BONG. The bell begins to build momentum, and eventually the bell swings back and nocks the man out of the tower to the cobblestone below. The same little old man was sitting on a bench below the tower, and a passerby walked by and saw the carnage. "Did you know him?" said the passerby. "No" said the old man, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

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A man goes to his optometrist...

He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside. He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!" The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"

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A rasta man goes to the bank with a 25 kg bag of marijuana...

And hands it over to the bank teller. Confused, the bank teller asks, "What's this for?" The rasta replies, "Me here to open a joint account."

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All the forest animals are having a big car show..

..shining their rims, getting ready to put their cars on display for the forest folk to see. The bunny is hopping along half drunk and stumbles into the clearing. "WHOAAHhh bear, that's a sweet lambo, how did you ever afford it?" "Well bunny, i'm not an alcoholic like you" replies the bear. The bunny takes another sip of his stashed mickey and hops with his face into the rims of a Ferrari. "Woaahh Fox, how on earth did you afford this!" The Fox, grabbing a towel out of its back pocket gives the bunny a dirty look and mutters "I don't spend every acorn i earn on booze.." The bunny, amazed, takes another swig of vodka and hops his way back into the woods. As everyone is adding the finishing touches to their rides, ready to open the show to the public, a helicopter lands in the middle of it all with the bunny in the pilot seat. He barely makes two hops and throws up. "Wow bunny.. how on earth did you ever manage to afford that?!" the amazed onlookers exclaim. " *hic*.. turned in my empties"

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What is Jeremy Clarkson's PIN number?

Nought two sixty.

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What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband: "What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?" The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like." The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?" The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

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Single Ladies.

A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."

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Your mama is so fat...

The NSA had to build a 2 billion dollar complex to store her weight information.

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Why is it so easy to trust a hypochondriac?

Because none of their plans are ill-conceived.

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Why do witches not wear panties?

You get better grip on the brooms.

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A rich middle eastern oil tycoon sends his son to study in Germany...

His son is feeling nervous about being alone abroad. So, his father allows him to take one of the golden plated Ferraris to Germany in order to boost his confidence. It is shipped over and the father hears nothing for the first few weeks from his son. Then, he recieves an email: "Father, I love the way the Ferrari drives but it's so embarrassing, all the other students take trains to school! What should I do? Your loving son" The father then replies the next day "Son, The gold plated train is on its way Dad"

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You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll." * Your Jedi robe is camouflage. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookies are offended by your B.O. * You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot." * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. * You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. * Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master". * You know Ewoks squeal like pigs. * You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster. * Your land-speeder had a light saber rack. * If you hear … "Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!"

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An elderly couple on a cruise . . .

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his butt was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise. The old woman faxed back: Thank you for the notice. So send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.

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A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, filled Luke in on a little secret. Princess Leah is Luke's sister! Luke was obviously distraught! Freaking out, he went to find his master, Obi Wan Kenobi. Luke said to him, "Master Obi Wan! My beautiful wife is my sister! What do I do?!" Master Kenobi, keeping his cool, looked his apprentice in the eye and said, "Luke, use divorce."

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A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench.

Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird! The blonde gazes up into the air says where?

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The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...

...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead. They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.

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How do you fit an elephant in the subway? (x-post)

You take the 'S' out of sub, and the 'F' out of way.

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heard this on Storage Wars

A Chinese couple own a restaurant, they're in the bedroom and the husband asks if they can 69 and the wife says why you want beef and broccoli now?

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What do you call it when Charlie Sheen's brother has sex with him?

Emilio Incestevez

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A woman places an add on Craig's list...

Looking for a date. Her post reads "I'm looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run around on me and has a big dick." The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door she sees a man with no arms and no legs in a wheel chair. "I'm answering your add on craigs list" he says. "And before you say no, let me explain. I have no arms,so I can't beat you and I have no legs so i can't run around on you." "Okay" the woman says, "but what about your dick?" The man tells her "I rang the fuckin doorbell didn't I?"

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Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

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What do you call an illegitimate female cow?

Miss Steak

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I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet

One egg a month

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What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint?

I'm always taken for granite!

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Driving on the highway

Ed was driving on the highway when a cop pulled him over and informed him that he'd won a $1000 safe driving award. "So what are you going to spend the money on?" asked the cop "I guess I'll use it to get that drivers' license." smiled Ed. "Take no notice, officer," said Jenny in the passenger seat. "He's a real smartass when he's drunk and stoned." Just then Ray in the back seat hissed: "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" As the cop took all this in, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said: "Are we over the border yet?"

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What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone?

SHELLom

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I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.

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Be wary of the chore of painting . . .

A man was looking for a person to paint her porch, so he hired a young lady and told her what to do. After about 30 minutes, the lady came to the door and said, “I’m done.” The man asked, “How did you get done so fast?” The lady said, “It was hard at first, but it got easier towards the end. And by the way, it’s a Ferrarri not a Porsche.”

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Brewery managers go to a bar

In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said: - Por favor, Senor, could i have a bottle of Corona, the best beer in the world. The bartender got a bottle, opened it and poured it to a glass. Next up was Budweisers head manager, who ordered: - A can of the king of American beers, Budweiser, Thank you. The bartender gave him a can and a glass. Then it was Guinness' head managers turn. He ordered: - Could i get a large coke with ice, please. The bartender gave him the coke while the two other brewery managers watched stunned. They had to ask: - Why didn't you order Guinness? The Guinness' head manager answered: - I thought that if you fellows don't want to drink beer, I won't drink it either.

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A Japanese man on vacation in america...

Went to a bank near his hotel to exchange his yen for dollars. He hands the teller 1,000 yen and he gets 10 dollars. The next day he goes to the same bank and hands the teller 1,000 yen only this time he gets back 8 dollars. When the Japanese man asks why, the teller replies "Because fluctuations." the Japanese man says "Oh yeah? Well fuck you Americans too!" -edit. changed 100 yen to 1,000.

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Hillbilly Ma says to her son,

"Jethro, I need you to fix the outhouse." "What fer ma?" "Jis go 'n hava look." So Jethro walks out to the outhouse, opens the door, and looks, "I don't see nothin wrong here ma," he says. "Look closer," says Ma. Jethro moves into the outhouse. "Still don't see nuthin," he says. "Stick yer head in the hole." "But, Ma." "Jis do it." Of course Jethro knows better than to disobey his ma, so he sticks his head into the hole. Then he hollers, "Oww, Ma, my beard's stuck." "Aggravating isn't it?"

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Blonde walks into a...

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

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Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

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A man is using an outhouse....

and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedly tries to button his trousers up. He tries to turn around but there is not enough room in the outhouse. He then opens the door, steps out, turns toward the outhouse, removes a 20 dollar bill from his wallet, and throws it down into the hole. His brother was next in line for the outhouse and witnessed this. So he asked him,"Hey, what the hell did you do that for?" to which the man replied, "Well I'm sure as hell not going in there for a buck fifty."

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A sheep and a hole [PG]

Two campers are out walking around, and come across a huge hole in the ground. The first camper goes up to the hole and says "wow, I wonder how deep this is?" The second camper picks up a rock, chucks it in the hole, puts his ear down and waits to hear it hit the bottom. Nothing. The first camper says "jeez, it must be really deep!" and picks up a larger rock. Using both hands he heaves it into the hole. The campers put their heads down and listen for the big rock to hit. Nothing! The second camper looks puzzled, and then spots a boulder. "Hey come and help me with this" he says, and they both start lugging the enormous rock to the hole. "3-2-1" both campers shove the boulder into the hole and quickly put their heads down to listen to the impact. Not even 3 seconds go by and a sheep runs and JUMPS into the hole. Both campers look at each other bewildered. "Did you see that?? A sheep just ran and jumped into the hole!" A few minutes pass, and a farmer comes up. The farmer asks "Hey, have you guys seen my sheep?" The first camper says, "Yeah, the craziest thing happened! Your sheep ran, and jumped into this hole!" The farmer laughed, and said "That's impossible! My sheep was tied to a rock."

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Who Is The Real Boss?

The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”. One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back”

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As i walked my girlfriend home

Walking the girlfriend home from her weightwatchers class last night, I held her close as we went through a nasty-looking underpass system in the rough end of town. As we turned a corner, I locked eyes with a filthy tramp eating someone's discarded takeaway from a bin. "Look at that poor fucker, I'm glad I'm not him." He probably thought.

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I almost got into an accident with someone who was texting and driving...

luckily I braked just in time or else I would've spilt my beer.

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Rabbi and Priest

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it’s possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

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A college professor dies...

A college professor dies, and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where he is met by St. Peter. Peter tells the professor that he can choose to go to Heaven or Hell. The Professor, somewhat confused, asks to see Hell first. St. Peter takes him there. He sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards nonstop. He then asks to see Heaven. Again, he sees rows of men and women typing at keyboards. The Professor says that they seem the same. St. Peter replies "Ah, but in Heaven, you have tenure."

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A Sunday School Teacher . . .

A Sunday School Teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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Heaven or Hell . . .

An old lady was chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God", says the old lady, "Now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I already have the holes for that".

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Why didn't the NSA request AT&T's phone records?

Because they can't monitor all those dropped calls!

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Where's the best place to weigh a pie?

[*singing*] Some-where over the rain-bow... Weigh a pie.

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I'm a pretty neutral guy.

I find it hard to choose sides. I mean, I have an uncle who drives a truck for Pepsi and a cousin who sucks dick for coke.

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Why was the sacajawea coin made?

because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.

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Yeah I got a job at Coca Cola...

It's sodapressing.

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The lobotomist ran off with my wife...

And I think he took off with my better half.

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more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door? Matt. The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you." "But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

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Why are pedophiles terrible Blackjack players?

They don't hit on anything over 14.

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What's the technical term for a female to male sex change?

A strapadictome

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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...

I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.

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What do you get when you stick your hand in a blender?

a handshake

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The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous...

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

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Is cakeday. Comment with best Latvian joke.

Make laugh. Is good distract from malnourish.

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inspired by frontpage's TIL about the guy fawkes mask: how many occupy protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, occupy protesters can't change anything.

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Not racist but this is one my brother told me

Why were most black soldiers killed in Vietnam? Because when the Sargent yelled "everybody get down!" All the black people started dancing. Alright I'm done.

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A man comes home from a trip...

looking terribly beat up, and when his wife asks him what happened he tells her "A crazy man assaulted me on the plane! He was trying to ass rape me, and he was HUGE so my only other option was to jump off the plane!" His wife asks "Oh my god! Did you jump?!" and the man replies "Well yeah...a little...at first."

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Why are ducks funny?

Cause they be quacking jokes

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Two rich men and a terrorist are on top of a building...

...and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, "Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!" and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The terrorist says,"I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you." He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than the other two men. Once the men get down, they decide to see what happened to the coins and the bomb. At the place where the first man's coin landed, they see a boy crying. "What's wrong?", they ask. The boy replies,"Daddy got killed by a silver coin from the sky!" The two men shrug, and keep on going. They get to the place where the other man's coin landed, and see a girl crying on the sidewalk. "Whats wrong?" they ask again. The girl sobs, "We were outside walking and grandma got hit on the forehead by a silver coin and died!" The two men shrug again and walk off to the place where the bomb landed, expecting a whole family to be in tears. However, when they get to the place, they see a boy laughing his head off in front of a smoking crater, with his dad scratching his head in the background. "What in the world happened here?", asked the businessmen. The boy replies, "Daddy farted and the house blew up!"

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Paddy has sex for the first time

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was. "It was amazing," Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet." "Why was that?" Asked Murphy. "Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," Paddy replied.

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How do you advertise a motor home?

A trailer

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What do you call the neighborhood where all the poor Italians live?

The spaghetto.

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What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Cockinasoreass. (Better when said aloud)

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Never trust atoms.

They make up everything.

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The three businessman: Canadian, Mexican and American, are flying to the meeting...

… the pilot comes on the radio and tells the three passengers that they need to throw something that they don’t need. Mexican goes first and throws out tacos. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” Canadian throws out hockey stick. They ask him why he threw that out. He replies: “we have a lot of them back home.” American throws out the Mexican saying: “we have a lot of them back home.”

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What time did Sean Connery arrive at the Wimbledon?

Tennish

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Three friends are talking at a bar

The first one says, "You know, at this place, when you buy one drink, you get the next one free." The second one says, "My favorite bar is better. You buy the first drink, and you get the next *two* for free." "I know that place too, but I know a better bar," says the third friend. "There, you buy the first drink, get the next one free, get another one for free, then they take you upstairs and you have sex for free!" They look at the guy and ask, "Whoa are you serious?" He says, "Yeah, of course, why would I lie?" "Did that happen to you?" "No, but it happens to my sister all the time."

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Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery. So far 374 bodies have been found. Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

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Heard this one 20 years ago in India

At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital sex, more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace. "In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee." No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes. Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back. Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had sexual congress may stand!" "Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"

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How does Jaden Smith keep getting roles in big movies?

Where there's a Will, there's a way.

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Five old ladies in a car . . .

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back -- wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour! "The old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

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There are 3 roosters, a straight one, a backwards one, and a gay one. The straight rooster says cock-a-doodle doo. The backwards rooster says doo doodle cock. What does the gay rooster say?

Any cock'll do

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What is the difference between an event at the X Games and a sorrority?

One is a bunch of Cunning Stunts