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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why are fruit rapists seldom found alone?
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They come in pears
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a little Mexican?
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A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you get herpes viral infection of the eye?
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Looking for love in all the wrong places.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Timonthy, the Computer Hacker
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Timothy hacked an adult website to get content for free at the expense of a virus that was set loose to thousands of computers in the state. He lives over in Alabama, so I was unaffected. Moral of the story? Timmy hacked porn, and I don't care.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb
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2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
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Pilgrims
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you sum up a cashew?
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In a nutshell!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Grand pa and Grand son go fishing.
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One weekend Grand pa decides to take his 10yr old grand son out fishing with him. As they sit in the boat casting their lines about a half hour goes by and Grand pa decided to open himself a beer. the Grand son sees this and asks his Grand pa if he can have one. Grand pa replies,"well boy can you reach your dick to your ass?" the boy looks down embarrassed and says, "No." So Grand pa says,"Well then no you can't have one." the next weekend they go fishing together once more this time as they are casting their lines the boy notices his Grand pa smoking on a cigar. He asks,"hey Grand pa can i try your cigar?" the old man looks to him and asks,"Can you reach your dick to your ass?" the boy looks off angrily and replies,"No i can't," So Grand pa says,"then no you cant try boy." Another week goes by and Grand pa decides to take the boy out fishing again. About an hour goes by and Grand pa hears some rustling on the boat he looks over and notices his grand son opening a bag and taking a bit from a sandwich. He says to the boy,"would ya look at that, hey im gettin a little hungry would ya mind if i had a bite?" the boy looks off on the lake and asks, "can you reach your dick to your ass?" the Grand pa almost falls back laughing,"haha well boy indeed i can." he replies. the Grand son looks to his grand pa and say,"well then you can go fuck yourself, Grand ma made this sandwich for me."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
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He wiped.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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In the Library...
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A guy asks a girl sitting alone at the library, "do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl answered with a loud voice, "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?" The guy responded with a loud voice, "What??? $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" ...And now all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then, the guy whispered in her ears, "I study Law and I know how to make others feel guilty."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
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"I have only my shelf to blame"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the Buddhist that refused Novocain during a root canal?
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His goal: transcend dental medication
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
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You look for the fresh prints!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Little johnny [OC]
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Ms. Apple was teaching her class of first graders the alphabet. She was going around the room to each student and would ask them recite the alphabet. When she saw little johnny was next she was prepared for the worst, as johnny has had a reputation for acting up. She cautiously asks johnny to say the alphabet and he says, "abcefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz". Ms. Apple is relieved, since this is the first day she has taught the alphabet she is surprised that he only left out one letter. She lets johnny know that he forget one letter. To wich johnny responds, "sorry ms.apple I didn't realize you wanted the d.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Cucumber, An Olive and a Penis
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A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking. The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad." The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza." The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do a teenage boy and a dog have in common?
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They both want to bury their bone.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blind man goes into a lesbian bar by mistake.
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He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he shouts in a loud voice, “Oi, barman, you want to hear the best thick blonde joke ever?” The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that I should enlighten you on a few points. Number one, the ‘barman’ is in fact a blonde lady. Number two, the bouncer on the door is also a blonde lady. Number three, the lady sitting next to me is also blonde and is a professional boxer. Number four, the lady to your right is a blonde and is also a professional wrestler. Number five, I’m a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very short fuse. Now, I want you to think about this carefully. Do you still want to tell that joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: “Nah, forget it, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I could retire today and live happily for the rest of my life....
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so long as I die by noon, thursday.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A lady walks into a pet store
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A lady walks into a pet store and immediately sees a parrot in a cage. The parrot sees the lady and starts talking to her; Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: " What is it?" Parrot: "You're ugly." The lady gets offended and leaves the store. The next day the lady comes back to the same pet store and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the day before, starts talking to her. Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: "What is it?" Parrot: "You're ugly." The lady becomes furious and decided to talk to the manager. She told the manager that if they don't do anything about that parrot she will sue them. The manager apologizes and assures her that it will all be fixed and the parrot won't say anything offensive anymore, for it is a very smart parrot. The lady returns to the same pet store the next day and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the last two days, starts talking to her. Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: "WHAT?!" Parrot: "...You know."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blind man walks into a bar...
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...and after managing to find himself an empty seat at the bar he orders a pint. Bartender fills the pint and as it is being placed in front of the blind man says, "hey Bartender, wanna hear a dumb blonde girl joke?" Bar goes silent. "Hey man," the Bartender says, "you're blind so there is a few things you should know before you tell your joke. You are in a dike bar, the only one in town actually, and many of us are blonde. I am blonde. Sid the biker chick next to you is blonde and so is her girlfriend. The bouncer is also blonde along with the 2 chicks behind you playing pool. Do you really want to tell that joke?" "Nah, you're right." says the blind man, "I would have to explain it too many times." edit: spelling
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Jar Full of $10 Bills
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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $10 bills on the bar. He goes to the barkeep and says "Hey, what's up with that jar?" The bartender responds "Well, you put in 10 bucks, do 3 challenges, and if you do them you get the whole jar." The man says "Wow that's pretty cool, what are the challenges?" The barkeep lists "Well, first ya gotta drink a whole bottle of hot sauce, and no nursing. Second, there's a dog out back who has a sore tooth and he's real grouchy, and you gotta take out the bad tooth bare handed. Last, there's this old lady upstairs who's never done the hokey pokey, if ya know what I mean, and you gotta fix that." The man replies in disgust "I can't do any of those!" So the man gets drunk. Being drunk, he decides he can do anything and says "Hand me the bottle of hot sauce." So the bartender hands the man the bottle and the man drinks the whole, straight down. He then goes outside to deal with the dog. As the door shuts you hear yelping and screaming and hollering and growling and then.... dead silence... The door creaks open and the man walks in. He's all covered in blood, his shirts torn, he's missing hair... and in a drunken slur he asks "Where's the old lady with the tooth problem?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Fifteen Bucks
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A pirate ship is blown apart during a battle with the Navy.
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A pirate ship is blown up during a battle with the Navy. The only survivors are an old crusty pirate and a pesky parrot. As they float together on some old timbers the parrot asks, "How's your ass?" The pirate just ignores the parrot. So the parrot asks again, "How's your ass?" Again the pirate ignores him. Over and over again the parrot asks, "How's your ass? How's your ass?" Finally, annoyed, the old pirate yells at the parrot, "Awww, shut up!!!" The parrot replies, "Mine too, must be the salt water."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Mean lookin biker dude walks in a bar...
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... bellies up to the center of a "U" shaped bar and orders a beer. Bartender brings him a beer and he chugs it down. He looks to the left side of the bar with a scowl on his face and says "All you sittin over there are a bunch of motherfuckers. And if ya got anything to say about it... we can just take care of it now". Nobody made a peep. He orders another beer and slams it down as well. He then glares at the folks on the right side of the bar and says "And you all over here ain't nothin but cocksuckers." With that little ol Beenie, 60 years old, bout 90 lbs soaking wet, sitting down at the end of the bar turns and get up from his stool and begins walking towards the center of the bar. The biker turns to him asks " You want some shit little man?" Beenie glances away and says "Oh no..no sir. I'm just sitting on the wrong side."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Vasaline
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "Sure. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a fruit that procrastinates?
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What do you call a fruit that procrastinates? ...A Cramberry!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I can almost guarantee this has been posted before but I enjoyed it ...
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So I'm sitting here in an internet cafe, with the biggest, ugliest and angriest bastard I've ever seen standing right behind me reading every word I ty
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy walks into a bar...
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer. After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Hitler?" To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am Hitler." The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am Hitler. The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low." The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks Hitler, "If it's true, and you're Hitler, then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!" "Well yes," says Hitler, "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway." They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before Hitler finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too." Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?" Then Hitler points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where can you find a mormon horse?
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Salt Lick City.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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families
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so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his dad said "shut up and take this 50 dollars". so the next day he saw the mail man and said i know the whole truth the mail man said " then come and give your real father a big hug.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A 98 year old man...
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A 98 year old man goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor that he is in the best shape of his life. He can run around, his memory is great, and he just got his 18 year old girlfriend pregnant. The doctor pauses, looks at him, and replies, "My neighbor went out hunting one day and instead of grabbing his shotgun on the way out, he grabbed his umbrella. While he was out he saw a rabbit. He pointed the umbrella at him and yelled 'BANG BANG!' The rabbit dropped over dead. What do you think of that?" The old man answers, "I think someone else shot that rabbit." The doctor points at him and replies, "Exactly!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...
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This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore. "That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no problem." So he finds a pitchfork leaning against the wall of the barn and climbs himself all the way to the top of it at the handle. With a heave he throws himself off the pitchfork, flaps his wings as hard as he can, but can't get any power and splats across the ground dead. Moral: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...
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... she just spits it out.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking...
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...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk... Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out: -"you know... i fucked your mother" The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy... he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off... But then the old guy says: -"yeah... i fucked her, and i have to say, i also fucked her up the ass!" The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed. The old guy turns around, and he seems to be over talking, but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him: -"you know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!" The big guys still says nothing... but is clearly starting to lose his temper... So the old guy yells "YEAH I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE... SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!" The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says "lets go home Dad, you are way too drunk..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering.
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I'm planning on releasing a fragrance based off of suffering. I'm going to call it "Eau de Humanity"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...
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A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had sex. Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have sex if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner." John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much sex he's planning to have, how kinky it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases. John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal. As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An English Man, An Irish Man, and a Scots Man all go to the beach...
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As they walk along the sand they see a Mermaid laid up on the rocks, the waves crashing around her. They are all struck by her beauty but are initially scared to approach. The English Man finally does and strikes up a conversation. As they talk he realises she is totally inexperienced with human interaction. "So have you ever been kissed?" "No never, but I'd love to try it" She answered shyly. So he gives her a long passionate kiss. He walks away, content, but the Scots man overhearing this realises the opportunity. "So have you ever given a blow job?" "No never, could you teach me?" With tentative instruction the Scots man guides her through the best blowjob of his life. He leaves satisfied and happy. By this time many hours have passed and the Irish man finally approaches the Mermaid. "So, have you ever been fucked?" "No, never" She whispered with anticipation. "Well you are now: the tides gone out."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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PMS is a myth
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It's really just an ovary action.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do priests have you call them Father..
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Because 'Daddy' was too obvious
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man goes to the doctor...
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and says, "Doc, my ass is killing me." Doc checks him out and then writes him a prescription for suppositories and says, "Come back when the prescription runs out and let me know how you're feeling." A couple of weeks later, the guy is back in the doctor's office. Guy says, "Doc, I'm not feeling any better." Doc says, "Well, did you take the suppositories?" Guy says, "Yeah and for all the good they did me, I should've just shoved them up my ass."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Have you heard? They pulled the Steve Irwin brand of sunscreen off the shelves.
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It didn't protect against deadly rays.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking each other for hundreds of years out in a park.
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One day, a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Dog or Wife?
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Your Wife is shouting at you to open the front door, and your dog is barking at the back door. Which one do you let in? Well you can choose, but if you let the dog in at least they will stop barking.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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When Mozart passed away...
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When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Photon
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A photon checks into a hotel. The front desk man asks if he has any luggage. The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a BMW?
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I don't have a BMW in my garage. ....and if I did, I *probably* wouldn't masturbate in it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A leperchaun and a bastard.
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So there's this guy out golfing, and he looks over at his cart and he sees there's a leperchaun hiding behind it. He gets really excited and sneaks up behind him and catches him. "Alright, you sneaky little bastard, now you owe me 3 wishes." The leperchaun obliged, but warned the man "Ok, but I'm a special leperchaun. Whatever you wish for, you'll receive, but I'll give your wife double." The man wasted no time. He wished for a million dollars "That's 2 million for your wife!" and a Corvette. "2 cars for the lady!" "You're down to your last wish." said the leperchaun. What will it be?" The man thought about it for a moment, took out one of his clubs and said, "Here, beat me half to death with this."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two nuns riding
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Down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before." The other nun replies, "neither have i, it's probably the cobbles."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A cowboy...
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... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn. This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?" The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Tim Tebow is a lot like Mary because they're both virgins.
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But at least Mary was able to produce.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the temple that burnt down?
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Holy smokes.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What happened when to the psychoanalyst when he went ice skating for the first time?
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A Freudian Slip
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Coldest Igloo
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Three Eskimos are sitting around an ice hole fishing when the topic of coldest igloo pops up. The first Eskimo says, "My igloo is definitely the coldest. I'll show you" So they all head over to the first Eskimo's igloo where he says, "Watch this." He gathers up a big wad of spit in his mouth and spits out. When the spit hits the floor all they hear is "plink, plink, plink". The second Eskimo says, "That's nothing. Let's go to my igloo." They all head to the second Eskimo's igloo and pile in. The second Eskimo says, "Watch this." At this point the second Eskimo pulls down his fur laden pants, whips out his penis and starts pissing in the air. As the piss arcs towards the floor, the Eskimos see the pee start to freeze mid-air in a perfect crystallized arc before a drop even hits the floor and then shatters on the floor. The third Eskimo chimes in, "Impressive, but you aint seen nothing." He ushers them to his igloo, and when he gets there he starts shuffling through some dirty clothes in a hamper. He pulls out a pair of white underpants and holds it up for the other two Eskimos to inspect. All they could see was that the underpants had a brown streak on the back. The first two Eskimos look at him puzzled. The first saying, "So, you shit yourself, that doesn't make the your igloo the coldest." The third Eskimo says, "Hold on, hold on." He goes to a nearby fire and holds the underpants over it. After a few seconds they hear the underpants let out a huge long fart.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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[Request] Easy to remember jokes that can be told at a bar even after a few
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I was wondering if there were some easy to remember, or just good jokes that could be told at a bar.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
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The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes. The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes. The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A magician goes on a cruise...
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Every night he does tricks for the crew. Unfortunately there is a parrot that belongs to one of the crew members who always say how the tricks are done. This goes on for a few weeks and the two developed a hatred for each other. One night when he is doing a trick the ship unexpectedly sinks. The magician and the parrot survive by floating on a piece of driftwood. They float for a few weeks without talking. Then one day the parrot finally says "ok where the fuck did the ship go"?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why was the Native American so tired?
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Because he'd been up all night building ATP.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Mom's birthday gifts
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3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday. The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well." Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in." Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!" 3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read: "To my 3 dear boys: Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new penthouse is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Want to know where to find the worst pun in Alberta?
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Call gary
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many people from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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None. They glow in the dark.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Is it possible to be bored to death?
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That all depends on the drill.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the fastest thing on Earth?
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Four men are being interviewed as part of a scientific survey that is being conducted in order to determine what's the fastest thing on earth. The first man says,"I think that it's probably a blink because you can blink so quickly that sometimes you don't even realize that your blinking." The second man scoffs at this idea and says,"A thought is certainly much faster than a blink, and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to speak up now!" The third man thought on it a moment before replying,"I have to agree that a thought is faster than a blink, but I'm afraid you're wrong. You see, electricity is ten times faster than both of those things. When you flip a light switch the light turns on instantly. You don't even have time to think about how it gets from the power company, and all the way down miles of power lines to your house, through your fuse box, to your light switch, and finally to the light turning it on." The other two men thought that this was a pretty convincing argument, and so the three of them agreed that electricity must be the fastest thing on earth. Then the fourth man says,"I am sorry, but all of you are wrong. The answer is diarrhea." The other men laugh at him and ask,"are you crazy? How could it possibly be diarrhea?!" To which the fourth man replies,"I can state with certainty that the answer is indeed diarrhea! You see, just last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a case of the squirts. Before I could blink, think, or turn on a light I shit my pants on the way to the bathroom!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you make a pole angry?
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Deport him.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Nationalities in hell
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A man is being given a grand tour of hell. In huge cauldrons different nationalties- Frenchmen, Swedes, Russians, Brits, Italians, Czechs, Scots, etc.- are being boiled in oil, guarded by a cordon of fork-wiedling devils. The visitor asks the guide: "Why has that cauldron been left unguarded?" "Oh," replied the guide. "Those are Poles. When one of them tries to get out, the others pull him back in!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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De parrot, he is dead
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At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Bob." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Bob .." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... VERY LONG SILENCE............ "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do accidental pregnancies and locked cars both have in common?
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Both can be fixed with a coathanger.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What's black, white, and red all over and can't turn around in a narrow hallway?
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A nun with a spear through her head.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
[Request] redneck jokes
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My sis is in jail and really wants funny slang terms used by rednecks. I have looked online and there are a couple of short list and some books for sale. I don't mind mailing her a book but I thought this might be a better resource to try first Thank you all in advance.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
A wife, being the romantic sort...
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...sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the commode. Please advise."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An elephant and a mouse were walking in through the jungle when all of a sudden the elephant fell into a hole.
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It was very deep and steep-sided and the elephant couldn't pull himself out. So the mouse said he'd hail the first car that came along. After a while a shining new Porsche came roaring through the jungle. The mouse hailed it, they got a rope, dropped it down the hole and the Porsche towed the elephant out. The elephant thanked the Porsche driver who went on his way. Shortly thereafter the mouse fell into a hole he couldn't climb out. So the elephant dropped his dick down the hole and the mouse climbed up it, and they continued on down the road. The moral of the story is: if you've got a big enough dick, you don't need a Porsche.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg
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A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
"You know what they say about blind prostitutes?"
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..."You've really got to hand it to them." -Fred Willard
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What does 80 year old pussy taste like?
|
Depends.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Where do you get frog's eggs?
|
The spawn shop.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What's green and sings?
|
Elvis Parsley
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How do you make a hormone
|
Stamp on her foot
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What did the guitarist say to the magician...
|
Pick a chord, any chord.
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How do you say gonorrhea in Russian?
|
Rotchurcockov.
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Just hope they don't name it after me
|
My body is all messed up. All messed up I tell ya. It hurts to pee, I can't quit itching my balls...I'm even losing skin on my pecker (and there ain't much to lose I tell ya)... So I go to my doctor and they do all the std tests known to man. Two weeks later the doctor calls me back and says "Good news, you came back negative on all of your tests" I tell him, "Good news?! You find out you got an STD the world don't know about yet and call it 'Good news'"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Can a match box
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no, but a tin can ;)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
The three blonde detective trainees
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A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives. He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!" The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stupid? He doesn't have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!" Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question. "Oh, well... I'd recognize him because he only has one ear". The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering. "I'd recognize him because he wears contact lenses", she said. The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model's phone number. Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken. "That's amazing!", he told the third blonde. "How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?" "Well," said the third blonde, "he can't wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear".
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Reddit has taught me this in case I ever have a daughter.
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Never ever get a full size mirror installed in her bathroom.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Which one is the odd one out; monopoly, rape, incest?
|
Rape. It's not a family game.
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Murder in Paris
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A Frenchman is walking in the Bois de Boulogne forest in Paris when he sees a naked man having sex with a woman in the bushes. He approaches, curious, but notices that she is deathly pale and not moving. Alarmed he rushes off to find a policeman. "Monsieur! Monsieur!" he shouts, when he finds a gendarme. "I found a man raping a dead woman in the bushes over there." "Sacre bleu!" shouts the policeman, and rushes off to investigate. But a few minutes later he returns, smiling wryly, and says, "Non, Monsieur, she is not dead. She is English."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Unemployed musician walks into a bar...
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...and asks if they need a house musician to entertain the patrons. The manager told him to go ahead and show what he's got at the piano onstage. So the man proceeds to play one of the most wonderful original songs the folks there had ever heard. It took everyone by surprise and he got a hearty round of applause. On lady stood up and said, "That was wonderful! What's the name of that tune?" The musician said, "I call that one 'Throw Your Tits Up on the Bar So I Can Smash Your Nipples with a Hammer." So they finsish applauding and he kicks in with a song that's even better than the first one, and by now, he's being given a standing ovation. At this point, a man hollers out, "Buddy, that's the best song I've ever heard! What's the name of that song??" The musician responds, "I wrote that for a bartender buddy of mine and it's called 'Throw Your Ass Up in the Air I Wanna Stick a Carrot in It'." By now, there's near pandemonium, and the piano man announces, "Folks, I really appreciate the response and reactions. Tell you what, I'm gonna go use the facilities and I'll come back and play you so more of my original stuff!" So he leaves for the latrine, and he happens upon the manager who tells him, "Kid, you're the best musician I've seen in person. Tell you what, you're hired if you do me a favor." The guy says, "Excellent! Thank you, and anything you want, sir!" The manager explained that this was a family bar and grill, and if he wouldn't mind altering the suggestive titles of some of his songs so as to not offfend some clientele. The player says, "For you, no problem. I just really appreciate the opportunity." The he proceeds to the bathroom, does his thing and as he walks out, he happens upon the manager again, he looks below the musician's belt line and exclaimed, "Hey! Do you know your dick's hanging out and dripping?" The musician looked that man straight in the eye and said, "Do I know it? Hell, I wrote it!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
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You look for fresh prints
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
The other day I went to the doctors office.
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The doctor said to me, "You've got to stop masturbating." I replied, "What? Why?" The doctor answered, "So I can examine you."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How are the Houston Rockets just like Metapod?
|
All they've got is Harden
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What do a tornado and a redneck wedding have in common?
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Either way you lose a motorhome.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
This guy goes to a new bar on top of the empire state building...
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When he walks in he sees one guy sitting at the bar and sits a few seats away from him and orders a beer. The other guy sitting at the bar calls him over to sit on the stool next to him. Since he seems so friendly he obliges and sits next to him. When he does, the other guy says to him, “You see that stool you’re sitting on? That was in the Titanic!” “Bull shit!" “Honest to God. That’s not all though! Do you see that painting over there on the wall?" “Yeah, what about it?” “It’s an original Van Gough!” “No way! I don’t believe it!” Then the guy says, “Want to see the craziest thing of all though? You see that window there, third to the left? Well something weird happens out there. You jump out and fall down 50 feet then come back up!” To which the man replies, “Now I know you’re lying to me!” “No! I’ll prove it to you!” They walk over to the window and the man jumps out and drops 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 feet then comes back up. The man in awe exclaims, “That was amazing!! Do it again!” So he does and falls down 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 feet and comes back up. When he gets there he looks at the other guy and tells him to give it a try. So he jumps out and falls 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 feet all the way down and splats on the sidewalk. The other guy looks down then walks back to the bar and orders another beer and the bartender says, “Superman, you’re a jerk when you’re drunk.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
These pants fit like a cheap hotel...
|
No ballroom.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
|
Tennish.
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
|
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
3 pieces of string walk into a bar..
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3 pieces of string walk into a bar but the barman says "sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here", so they all leave. One of the pieces of string says to his friends "Hey, that's not fair, i'm going to go ask again". So he goes in but he is immediately stopped by the barman who says "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here". The piece of string leaves and tells his friends. Then one of the othere pieces of string tassels his hair and tied himself into a knot and walks in. He is then told by the barman "Go away, we don't serve pieces of string!". The piece of string replies "No, i'm afraid not!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
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Dr. Dre
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
The doctor is sat in his office one day & asks the nurse/secretary to send in the next patient.....
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.........In walks Mr. Jones, closes the door behind him, sits down & the doctor immediately notices that he looks totally physically drained & hasn't had a decent nights sleep for weeks...... "Ok, so how can I help you Mr. Jones?" "Well, it's like this doc, I have a hyperactive sex life, I'm currently seeing 3 women..... when I wake up in the morning, the wife wants sex twice before I even have breakfast, when I get to the office the secretary wants it doggy-style over the desk before we start work & she wants it again 2 hours later during coffee break. In my lunch break, I go to my misstress' apartment around the corner & give it to her twice before returning to work & two hours later, I give it doggy-style to my secretary again during afternoon coffee break. When I get home in the evening, the wife wants it twice before going to sleep & next morning, the whole routine starts all over again. This is my life from Monday to Friday & as my mistress & secretary are aware of the fact that I'm married, they both threaten to tell my wife if I don't go to their homes & give it to them at least 3 times each on Saturday & Sunday & of course I have to satisfy the wife as well." The doctors bottom jaw is practically touching the floor on hearing the story, but he quickly composes himself:- "Ok.....so Mr. Jones, do you want me to prescribe some energy pills to keep you going or some Viagra for erection assistance or.....what?" "Ah no doc, what I could really do with is some powerful painkillers.......you see.....I get these **terrible** headaches every time I jack off"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
A bear walks into a bar..
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A bear walks into a bar and asks the barman for "One Corona, two margaritas and.........a lemonade". The barman replies "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear looks down and says "That's the way I am".
|
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
A man at a gay bar
|
So a man walks into a gay bar and sits between two gay guys, the one gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". The second gay guy leans over and says " you don't mind if I rip one do you?" , the man says "no" so the guy lifts his leg up and "whoooooosh". Then the man says " well since you all are doing it, I might as well rip one" , so he lifts his leg and "fllplhghgplghglgpglhg". The one gay guy looks at the other one and says "pffft, Virgin".
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