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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There are two priests on a small commuter flight
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with half a dozen kids from an orphanage. Half way through the flight the pilot comes back and says the plane has lost both engines, they are going to crash and there and only two parachutes. The first priest says to the second "grab those 'chutes - we're out of here" "What about the children?" asks the second priest "Fuck the children" says the first priest causing the second priest to ask "Do you think there's enough time?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What is a 6.9?
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A good thing ruined by a period.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So George Bush is in his office...
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His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens." Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you do when an elephant comes in your window?
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You swim!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...
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And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why is England the wettest country?
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Monarchies have reigned there for centuries.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.
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For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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When Ariel the mermaid gives a blowjob to Prince Eric...
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is that Fellate Of Fish?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a man gets on a plane...
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...he finds his seat and realizes he's sitting none other than the pope. The man is Catholic and greets the pope with: "His Holiness". The pope welcomes him and then goes back to his crossword. The man is nervous, worrying about doing something to offend the leader of his religion. About halfway through the flight the pope leans over and asks: "would you happen to know a 4 letter word for a girl that ends in U-N-T?" The man almost loses it. Of course the c word jumps to the front of his mind. He pauses, turning white while searching his mind for a better word. In a flash it comes to him: "AUNT!!!" he exclaims. The pope responds: "Of course! Would you happen to have an eraser?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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2 monsters started talking
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2 monsters were talking, one said he loved eating humans, the other disagreed. the first monster asked how he was cooking his humans. The second answered "I boiled him."So the first monster then asked if the second could describe the human he was trying to cook the second responded with "well, he was bald with a ring of hair, he wore a brown robe, with a rope around his waist like a belt." The second monster replied "well there's your problem! He was a FRIAR"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Vegetables
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What did the cucumber say to the cabbage when they got kidnapped by the tomato? Lettuce go
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?
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Polaroids. ^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Knock Knock
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Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? To whom.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a gassy Russian?
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Vladimir Pootin'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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New Secretary At Work
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A blonde secretary was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.” “Oh good!” the blonde sighed in relief. “I’ll have two regular, two black, and two decaf.”
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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there was a shooting at the westboro Baptist church recently...
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the police report over a dozen witnesses, yet for some reason, nobody saw anything.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Paddy and Murphy
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...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Fishing Priest
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A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! This is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker," says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight - the Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright". **Edit:** Changed it to Graphiite's formatting, thank you! And yes, I've got this joke off 4chan... :D
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The leper joke
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A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor. The leper looked hurt and said "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them". The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his bread in your neck".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So my best friend is a priest...
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...but he's still really cool. Like, this one time I walked up to him and said "Dude, I just took the biggest shit of my life!" He didn't even make a big deal out of it. He just calmly said "Steve, please get out of the confession booth."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A couple of flies finish eating a big meal.
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Kicking back and very satisfied with the feast, one of the flies looks over at the other fly and then begins gesturing to his own face and pointing next to his mouth. "Hey, you got some shit right here."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A magic tractor was driving down a country road...
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When suddenly it turned into a field!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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SRS bait.
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How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How to explain non-alcoholic beer?
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It's like eating your sisters pussy, the taste is the same but you know something is not right.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?
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He drank his coffee before it was cool
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A young man moved out from home...
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all his own, and went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?' Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
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The wife always blows the bonus.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call it when two Vietnamese people meet?
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A Nguyen-Nguyen situation
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Whats the difference between a crab with big boobs and a bus station full of punks?
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One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So there's a fly...
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and a gnat lands on its back. The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?" The gnat says, "gnat at all." The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard." The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the definition of a masochist with necrobeastiality tendencies?
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Someone who literally gets off beating a dead horse.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's a Jewish dilemma?
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Free bacon. Let the downvotes rain down on me.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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2 cannibals...
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...are eating. One turns the other and says "You know, I really don't like my sister." The other cannibal replies "Fine then, try the pot pie."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts...
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An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!" Hope you guys liked it. :D
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A couple was walking down the street when an alien spaceship landed in front of them...
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An alien couple exited the spaceship and said, ''Hello, earthlings, we come in peace and we want you to tell us all about your planet.'' They talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex. The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It sounded very similar to the way the aliens did it so, in the interest of intergalactic friendship and exploration, they decided to trade partners for the night. When the woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed. The alien looked down and said, ''Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.'' And he hit his head twice and it grew to epic proportions. The woman had the greatest sex of her life. The next morning the man asked the woman, ''How was it?'' The woman replied, ''Great! You?'' The man said, ''It sucked. For some reason the alien woman kept hitting me on the head, screaming, 'It's broken! It's broken!'''
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why are hands so important?
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You always need them for thumb finger another.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Medical definition of Guts vs. Balls
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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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two men are driving down the country road when....
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...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has sex with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An old man is pulled over...
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An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I love the metric system.
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It's the best by an absolute 1.6km
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
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About 6 beers.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why do Congressmen make terrible cashiers?
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They're all too afraid of change.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?
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Doesn't matter. All they're going to do is stand around and talk about changing it.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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pessimist vs optimist (x-post from funny)
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The pessimist says, ‘It can’t get any worse!’ And the optimist replies, ‘Oh yes it can!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.
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Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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"What are you doing?" asked my wife as she walked in on me and our children sitting around the table.
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"I'm just showing them these old photos from when I used to be a Boxer" I said, showing off. "If you turn them sideways kids, it looks like your Dad's standing up"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Boudreaux & Thibodeaux
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One morning Thibodeaux was sitting on his dock enjoying the sunrise when Boudreaux pulls up in his boat filled with duct tape. Thibodeaux looks at him, and asks "what you doing with a boat full of duct tape?" Boudreaux replies "I'm going duck hunting! You wanna come?" "You can't hunt ducks with duct tape, and no I ain't coming" replied Thibodeaux. So Boudreaux leaves. Later in the day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and low and behold its full of ducks. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux. The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat again, this time with a boat full of gatorade. Sarcastically Thibodeaux says "Let me guess, you gonna catch gators with gatorade?" "Yep, you wanna come?" says Boudreaux. "You can't catch gators with gatorade...No I ain't coming!" So Boudreaux leaves. Later that day Thibodeaux sees Boudreaux fly by in his boat, and it was filled with gators. "Well i'll be damned!" says Thibodeaux. The next morning as Thibodeaux is enjoying the sunrise, Boudreaux pulls up in his boat agian...this time with a boat full of pussy willows. Thibodeaux thinks for a second and says..."Hold on let me get my hat"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What happens if you get human DNA in a goat?
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You get banned from the petting zoo.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...
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One says to the other "Lost the other half?" "Yup" he replies. "Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?" "She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt". "Good. We'll look for yours first".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Golfing assassin
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So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes. So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up. "What do you do for a living?", the guy says. "Well, I'm an assassin" the stranger replies. "what, really? "Yeah, I even brought my rifle", the assassin says and proceed to pull out a rifle with a huge scope on it. "Wow, that's a huge scope! Bet I could see all the way to my house with that thing" The guy says "Well have a look then", answers the assassin So the guy takes the rifle and looks to his house. He sees straight into the bedroom where his wife is having sex with the neighbor. Infuriated, the guy turns to the assassin and says "Those fucking bastards! How could they do this to me?" "That's a bummer man, but if you want to, I'd be happy to kill them for you. I charge $5000 per shot tough" The guy contemplates this for a little while and then says "yeah ok, I want you to put a bullet in her head, then take away his manhood, can you do that?" "No problem". So the assassin gets his gun and lies down and waits. And waits. And waits. Finally, the guy had enough and goes "What's taking so long?" "Hold on", the assassin says. "I'm trying to get you a two-for-one"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did Hitler say to the student that got a question wrong?
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That is Nazi answer.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So Mickie Mouse says to Minnie, "I want a divorce...
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To which Minnie replies, "Are you fucking crazy!?" Mickie says "No, I'm fucking Daisy"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Procrastination is like masturbation
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It awesome until you realize that you've fucked yourself.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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"Oh sure, just because I'm a woman means I have to do everything around here. And let me tell you..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Brian's roommate and the gravy ladle
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Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate Jennifer was. Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.’ About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?’ Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote: __________________________________________________________ Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian __________________________________________________________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: ____________________________________________________ Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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2 cannibals are eating a clown...
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"....does this taste funny to you?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Some people say it's not what you know, but who you know...
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I say it's not who you know, but whom you know.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
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He sees a girl sitting by herself and asks, "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replies with a loud voice, "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library start staring at the guy. Being embarrassed, he moves to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy's table and says with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I can tell what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library now look at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispers in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Englishman And An Irishman
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*Chances are this has been posted before, but as an Irishman with English roots I've always found it hilarious. Enjoy! :D* An Englishman and an Irishman in two separate cars were driving down a lonely country road on a cold, misty night at 100 kilometers per hour. Neither men were being particularly careful, given the icy conditions, and the result was a terrible crash in which both cars were almost completely destroyed. Miraculously however, both men survived. The Irishman was the first to react: 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph, we're alive! It's a sign from God I think, that we should put aside the distrust between our two countrys and become best friends!' 'I agree!' Came the Englishman's ebullient response, who then pulled a small flask of whiskey from his pocket. 'Let's celebrate our new-found friendship with a drink!' The Irishman took the proffered flask and downed half of it, before offering it back to the Englishman. 'No thanks,' Came his companion's reply. 'I think I'll wait till the police show up.'.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where can you find a paraplegic man?
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Right where you left him.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a blonde is looking for some work...
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So a blonde is looking for some work and is going door to door to see if there is any small chores she can do for money. She goes up to this large house with a nice car in the driveway but a rather old and rickety looking porch that went all the way around the house. She walked up the stairs and round the house to get to the front door and rang the doorbell. A rather tall gentleman answered the door. "Can I help you?" he said. "Im in need of some work sir, do you have any house hold chores or something I could do for money?" the blonde replied. "Yes of course." Replied the man, "My porch really needs a new coat of paint. I'll give you $100 to paint it" "That sounds great!" replied the blonde. "Great! The matching paint is in the garage." said the gentleman. The blonde then went downstairs and grabbed the paint and got to work. The gentleman's wife came up to her husband and said, "How can you make her do so much work for only $100? That porch goes all the way around the house! It will take her all day!" "She knows that," replied the husband, "She had to walk on most of it to get to the door. She accepted my offer so its her loss." "Well if she gets done quickly," replied his wife, "Then why dont you give her another $300. Its only fair" "Ok." Replied the husband, "I can concede to that" Not two hours later, the blonde shows back up at the front door. They invite her in and she tells the gentleman, "I got the job done sir! And I noticed I had enough paint to give it another coat, so I went ahead and did that." "Wow!" Said the gentleman, "You do fine work!! My wife suggested giving you an extra $300 for your work but I believe this deserves an extra $500" "Oh you are so kind." says the Blonde. She takes the money from the gentleman. and as she is leaving she turns and says to the gentleman, "Oh, and its a Ferrari not a Porche"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...
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...on your front step? Matt ...in a pot? Stu ...in a pan? Fry ...floating in the ocean? Bob ...bouncing on the highway? Skip ...hanging on a wall? Art ...that's been harpooned? Pierce ...lying face down in prison? Fucked
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What is the friendliest kind of aircraft?
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A Hello-copter.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
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about a Buccaneer (buck-an-ear) yuck...yuck...yuck
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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You can say what you want about pedophiles...
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but at least they drive slowly thru school zones
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Sex & Golf
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Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Jewish son asks his dad for five dollars...
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The dad replies, "Four dollars?! What do you need three dollars for?!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the amateur porn actor with the invisible dick?
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He came out of nowhere.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A conversation between friends.
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White kid: My dad's well hung. Black kid: Mine was hung too. Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!! This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...
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his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?
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It's pretty much a downward spiral.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A joke we tell tourists in china
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Back when the Terra-cotta Soldiers were discovered, Bill and Hilary Clinton decided to visit the site. It was also asked of the chinese officials arranging the tour, that the Clintons could meet the meek and old chinese man that discovered the Terra-cotta. Back then, the Terra-cotta site was out in the province in a small local village. This village was the hometown of the fortunate old chinese man who discovered them and was going to meet POTUS. It also meant he had no education and spoke no english. So the chinese officials prepared the old chinese discoverer with a few basic english phrases such as: "hi, how are you" "Fine, you?" "Me too" The day finally came and, naturally, the old chinese discoverer was nervous to be meeting Clinton. None the less he went through the english he was taught in his head and wasn't going to lose face. Smiling, Clinton approached the old chinese discoverer and said, "Hello" The chinese discoverer paused briefly to recall, but out of nervousness mispronounced; "Hi, who are you?" "I am the President of the United States and the husband of this lovely lady," a surprised Clinton said while pointing at his wife. "Me too," he replied
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Onions and Christmas Trees
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got?
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It was awesome!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Lemon drops
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So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons. "What's with the lemons?" he asks. "Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he can, and if you can squeeze out even one more drop, you win free drinks for the rest of the year." The man watched several other strong looking men try the challenge, and all of them lost miserably. "I accept" replied the man. The bartender snorted a bit seeing as the man weighed little over 120 pounds and had very little muscle mass. The strong man squeezed almost a third of a glass of juice from the lemon and when he was done, handed the lemon to the scrawny man. He took the lemon and sized it up in his hand, and squeezed almost 5 drops from it. The strong man reeled and replied "Wow! You are stronger than you look! I went easy on you." "Fine. " said the skinny man, "Try again if you would like." So the strong man then spent a food 3 minutes squeezing the lemon more than he had for any of the other men. Once he was convinced even he could not summon even another drop from the lemon, he handed it to the skinny man. The man then proceeded to squeeze another 3 drops from the lemon. "Amazing!" cried the bartender. "I guess you can have free drinks for a year! What is your secret though? How did you do it?" "I'm an IRS agent" the man replied.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Missionaries.
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A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks "If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one indulgence." He looks to the nun,takes of his pants, and tells her, "I have something to show you." "My Goodness!" the young, naive nun exclaims. "What is that?" The priest responds "It's my staff of life. A man puts it inside a woman to bring life into this world." "Staff of life?" she says. "Thank God! Shove that thing up the camels ass and let's get the hell outta here!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Scots vs English
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Why do Scotsman wear kilts? Cause sheep can hear a zipper at 50 yards. Why do the English wear trousers? Cause goats are deaf.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea
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(this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, "hey Moses...you still got da funk?" Moses says "yeah buddy!", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle. He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, "so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?" Jesus replies, "I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try". Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He takes a couple steps, but then sinks into the water. He walks back very sad. "well moses, I guess I just don't have it in me anymore". "Hey don't feel so bad Jesus", Moses replies, "last time you did that, you didn't have those holes in your feet".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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There are 3 men stranded in the wild...
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and one day they see an abandoned house and go inside. When they go inside however, they realized that there's only one bed. The floor was filthy, so they had no choice but to sleep on the same bed. The next morning, the two men sleeping on each side of the bed awoke and started to notice an acute pain coming from their privates. The man in the middle however, told them he had an intense and wonderful dream about skiing.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
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A whore will sleep with anyone, a bitch will sleep with anyone but you.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a girl that you meet on Reddit?
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You don't.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A banker dies and his wife is making his funeral arrangements.
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The funeral director notices that the husband died at work and came to him in a nicely pressed, gray suit. "Well," he said to the wife, "why don't we just keep him dressed like this, since he looks so nice?" "No way," she replied, "He looked better in blue. I've been trying for years to get him to wear a blue suit, so now I can finally have my wish. I don't care what it costs, just find a blue suit for him and put it on the bill." So, the service comes and goes and the banker looked great in a crisp, blue suit. As the widow is looking over the funeral bill, she notices that the cost of the suit isn't listed anywhere. "Excuse me, but you didn't include the cost of the suit," she tells him. "Oh, don't worry about it," he replied. "No, sir, I'm an honest woman and I pay my debts. How much do I owe you?" "The truth is," he replied, "the same day your husband was brought in, a broker came in wearing a blue suit-" "*You switched their suits??*" The widow interrupted, disgusted. "No, no, of course not...we just switched their heads."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said...
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"You can't pull your pants down in public."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So, a man walks into a bar...
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... Upon entering said bar, the man notices a jar full of cash on the table. "What's all this money for?", asked the man. The bartender replied, "Well, if you can make my horse laugh, it's all yours." "Alright, where's the horse?" "In the back room." "Thanks." The man then enters the room. A few minutes later, the man comes out with the horse cracking up with laughter. "Holy crap!" The bartender was so shocked, he could barely think of any words to say. "Well, a deal's a deal." The man then took the money, and left the bar. The next day, he returns to the bar. The man spots yet another large jar of cash. "Alright, what's THIS jar for?" "All the money in this jar says you can't make my horse cry." "Alright, fine. The horse?" "Still in the back room." The man walks into the room. He shortly returns, the horse next to him in hysterics, sobbing with such vigor. "Okay, what the hell, I've gotta' know how you did all this; what's your secret?" "Well, to make the horse laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than him." "Aha...?" "Aaaaand to make him cry, I showed him."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I work at a restaurant...
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I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning. I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?" The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!" There was a long silence. His mother then put one hand on her head and said,"Eggs.... He wants eggs."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My all time favorite joke. American/Russian dog fight
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "Do you know how hard it is to make an alligator look like a Dachshund
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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First Blowjob
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A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all. The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?" The man replies, "First blowjob today." The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have another drink. It's on me." "No thanks." says the man, "If the first five didn't get the taste out of my mouth, I doubt the sixth is going to do much."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?
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It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why can't the penis and testicles ever be together?
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Because there's a vas deferens between them.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I was going to make a terrific joke about a bank...
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..but then I lost interest.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom...
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A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom.. The teacher says okay and he goes the the bathroom takes a crap but realizes there is no toilet paper. He is forced to wipe with his hand and goes back to class with his hand close. The teacher tells him to open his hand and he responds, "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away" The teacher fed up sends him to the nurse who tells him to open his hand. He says "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away" The nurse calls his mom to pick him and where she yells at him to open his hand he responds again "no there is a leprechaun in there and your going to scare it away" She tells him to go to see his father downstairs.His dad says " open your hand" he starts to repeat again that he has a leprechaun in his hand but the father takes his hand and opens it and sees his hand covered in poop. He says, "see dad you scared the shit out of it"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why are there no penguins in Britain?
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They're scared of Wales.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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On the night of their 40th anniversary
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On the night of their 40th anniversary the wife asks her husband: "What were you thinking about, at this moment, fourty years ago?" The husband replies: "How I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The wife responds: "What are you thinking right now?" The husband says: "I think I have done a pretty good job."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
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Run like hell, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The most trustworthy knight
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A king is about to set out on a journey far away from his home, and must leave his wife behind, but is worried about her faithfulness. He asks the local blacksmith to create a chastity belt that will keep his wife faithful, and so the blacksmith gets to work right away. The blacksmith brings the king a set of metal undergarments with a lock in the back, and a large hole in the front. The king asks why the blacksmith would leave a hole in such a spot. The blacksmith proceeds to get a short stick, and place it in the hole. Immediately, the end of the stick is chopped off by a blade within the hole. The king is impressed, so he leaves on his way after giving the undergarments to his wife. On the day the king returned, he assembled all of his knights in a line, and told them to drop their pants, in order to see who had tried to have their way with his wife. To his displeasure, the king saw that all down the line, every knight had lost his member to the blade, with the exception of one. The king congratulated the knight on his trustworthiness, and asked that he be made the new general in his army. The knight simply shook his head. The king asked again, and again the knight simply shook his head. Confused, the king asked the knight why he refused to accept such an honor, only to have the next knight in line turned to the king and say, "Forgive him, your majesty, he has had trouble speaking since his tongue was chopped off."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Old one but still funny: Two Muffins are sitting in an oven...
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... one muffin says to the other "Damn its starting to get really hot in here." The other one says, "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did Pinocchio tell lies?
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Because he was a fucking liar! -from Louis CK's AMA-
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man died and went to hell . . .
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. . . and the devil is giving him the usual tour. "Now we have a new policy here," said the devil. "You get your choice of spending eternity in one of three rooms." The devil shows him the first room. It's full of naked people doing nothing but standing on their heads. He then shows him the second room. Nothing but naked people standing on their heads. But this room has a rather uncomfortable cold draft continuously blowing. Then they visit the third room. It's full of naked people who are milling about, sipping coffee and chatting. The only odd thing is that they are all wading knee-deep in manure. "This wouldn't be too bad," thinks the man. "I could eventually get used to the smell." He turns to the devil. "I pick this room," he says. "Okay," says the devil. "But once you've chosen, you can't change your mind." So the devil leaves and the man wades into the manure. Someone hands him a cup of coffee, and he starts getting acquainted with the other people. After a few minutes, a door opens and a huge, muscular demon with a whip steps in. The demon cracks his whip and announces, "All right, coffee break's over! Everybody get back on your heads!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Insatiable sexual appetite.
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A man with an insatiable appetite for prostitutes is walking down the street with $10 left to his name. He passes a place with blacked out windows offering three X's of entertainment. Thinking "what the hell" he walks in and asks what he can get for a five. The clerk points him to a room and tells him to "do whatever the sign says". The man walks into the room and is surprised to see a chicken on a table. As you could guess the sign above the chicken says "fuck the chicken". A little put off he still decides he's pretty horny and starts going to town on the chicken. Slowly realizing its doing nothing for him he zips up and leaves. The next day the man decides to give it another shot and return to the store. He tells the clerk yesterday didn't do anything for him and asks what else he could get for a five. The clerk points him to a set of peepholes and tells him to look through. Seeing two other men looking through other sets he sits down in between them. The man looks through the peephole to see men butt fucking. He recoils yelling "why the fuck would I want to see that"... To which the gentleman beside him responds "shoulda been here yesterday, there was a guy fucking a chicken".
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