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Me: You said dress for the job you want. Boss: Give me my clothes back.
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If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
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Sometimes you have to hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.
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What did the paper say to the pencil? You've got a good point!
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I know everyone thinks tall people have a lot of advantages in life but in reality, we have to deal with 40% more spider webs than you do.
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
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Just trying to give my kids a few childhood memories they don't have to repress
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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
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Incorrectly is the only word that when spelled right, is still spelled incorrectly.
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They say don't try this at home so I'm coming over to your house to try it !
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Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.
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Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow.
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Music makes every day better, especially if you turn it up just loud enough to drown out all the people around you.
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Russian history in 5 words: And then things got worse.
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Smartphones are pacifiers for adults.
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Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.
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What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.
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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
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Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
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Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
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I've put something aside for a rainy day. It's an umbrella.
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Don't mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.
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Squirrels always act like it's their first day of being a squirrel.
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