Sasmitah/joke1 · Datasets at Hugging Face

id stringlengths 6 6	score int64 0 48.5k	title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k
5tbq8s	23	I'm sorry I said "nice phone". When you showed me a picture of your baby..
5tbq22	7	Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls...". "At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation "Much nicer than the boys" Edit: dunno if this translates well enough
5tbpqy	20	A redhead walks into the Dr. Office...... She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts." The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde." "Why yes, How did you guess?" "Because you have a broken finger."
5tbpnm	11	A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island.... The island is 10 miles from shore and without any other possible way to leave, the woman decide swimming is the only way off. The redhead goes first, she manages to make it 3 miles before she gets tired and drowns. The brunette then goes after, she makes it farther than the redhead but still finds herself tired and drowns five miles away from shore. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. She makes it five miles before feeling and tired and swims back to the island.
5tbnsa	0	How do you destroy a feminist in a debate?. You ask "what rights do men have that women don't?"
5tbnf5	0	How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's?. Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage.
5tbm3a	70	We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers. They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.
5tbltw	1	My girlfriend slept over last night and asked to use my shower this morning.... "You can use any soap or shampoo that's in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it." She replied, "I'd prefer it if you flushed any stool down the toilet, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."
5tblib	12	A memorable first time. One day a father tells his son "You're 18 now, and I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees, so take this duck and go over to this brothel and see what you can do." Slightly confused, the son heads over to the brothel with the duck and meets with one of the women there. The son explained the situation to the lady and told her that even though he has no money, he does have this duck. The woman thinks for a while, and decides to take the duck as payment since she knew a guy that could help her prepare the duck so that she could cook it for dinner. So after they have sex, the woman is flabbergasted at just how magnificent the son was in bed. She even offered him a freebie but being the polite guy that he is, he refused. So the woman, desperate for another round, offered the duck back as payment, the son agrees and so they have sex again. Later, the son leaves the brothel with the duck. On their way back home a truck appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits the duck, killing it. Feeling bad, the driver offers to pay the son for the duck. Not knowing how much it was worth the son settles for $20. The driver happily obliges, pays him the $20, and they both go on their ways. Finally the son gets home when his dad asks him "So son, how was it?" The son replies "I dunno dad, you tell me." "Ok, so tell me what happened" replied the dad. The son replied "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
5tbksj	1	Itching penis. I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching. He told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol. The itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny.
5tbkqr	556	I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath. Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.
5tbk7c	32	Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks?. ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
5tbk0g	9	Americans make the best jokes.... Sorry I meant President.
5tbj8k	13	Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?. It's legen-dairy
5tbj8g	22	I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer. The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's! Wait No I do I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide... Well, at least I don't have cancer.
5tbijy	0	Why do brides traditionally wear white?. So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher.
5tbii8	1	What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese?. Camembert
5tbhuc	13	[short] what is Forrest Gump's password?. 1forrest1
5tbhp2	0	Ice Cream. Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
5tbhdo	24	I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad.. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK." EDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it...
5tbg14	8	I don't really like food from Spain much but.... To chicharrón I guess
5tbdls	15	Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.. One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"
5tbcbv	2	Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
5tbc0x	1	I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral. Apparently I faked it really badly
5tbb7x	42	Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella?. Fo drizzle
5tb991	0	Courtroom antics.. Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom? Knowing they'll never find the bodies.
5tb98v	33	What's the difference between your penis and your tax return?. She'll blow your tax return
5tb81u	0	The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house.. I hired a midget butler.
5tb7i1	8	Why can't Hindi people fight with each other?. Because they can't have beef!
5tb7ek	1	Who is Wolverine's favorite author?. Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...)
5tb6a9	158	A chicken goes into the library.. A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book." The librarian says, "You want a book?" "Book" "Any book?" "Book" So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book." The librarian says, "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comeback an hour later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and finds out what is going on? And the chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."
5tb3gs	6	What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn?. An acidic Jew.
5tb2n4	8	Are you sitting on the F5 key?. Because dat ass is so refreshing!
5tb1yk	4	Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!. Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them
5tb1oc	37	I only lie to people I don't like.. Don't worry, I like you.
5tb0rg	2	Why did Eminem only have one biological kid?. He only had one shot
5tayv4	0	Click here to see a pun. ctuation mark.
5tay7n	4,295	A Teacher asks the students... "Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?" Nobody is able to answer Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer." The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question. Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple." Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils. Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer." The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?" Teacher: "No, that's impossible." Students: "It is possible, my father said." Teacher : "How?" Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."
5taxbf	43	My friend didn't get my RAM joke.. DIMM wit.
5tawx5	4	I like my violence like I like I beer.... ... domestic
5tawu9	3	A bear is chasing a rabbit. They make so much noise a genie pops up, "If you two stop making so much noise and let me go back to sleep I will grant you two wishes each" They agree and the beat goes first : "I want a big dick." /Poof/ Done The rabbit thinks about for a while and says: "I want a motorcycle." /Poof/Done Bear says: "I want all the bears in the world to be female and always in heat." /Poof/Done Rabbit gets on his motorcycle and points at the bear: "I want that bear to be gay." /WROOOOM/ Edit spelling.
5tavrm	3	I have a pen, I have an apple, uh!. iStylus
5tauac	22	I only date black girls. So I don't have to meet their fathers
5tau9v	20	What makes an ISIS joke funny?. The execution.
5tasnf	6	My wife and I were happy for 25 years.. Then we got married.
5tasd7	1,260	I redid my entire house with mirrors.... You could say it really reflects who I am.
5tas5r	1	What do you call a lying bunny?. A haretic
5tas1q	0	How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival!. Ha! Get it?
5tar2o	13	Load of animals in the back of a lorry... The cow says "mooooooooove over" The chicken says "fkaaaf"
5tar2l	2	My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?). My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced.
5taq3b	225	A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
5tapd1	2	I was going to build a bridge for karma. but I got over it.
5tao99	2	Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan?. It was nuts.
5talv5	0	Life is a bit like my dick.... It's long and hard.
5takzo	0	I know a youtuber name SoWTF.... He is sooo what the fuck.
5tak7e	2	My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community!. I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!
5taizp	2	Why did Bach have 20 children?. His organ didn't have any stops.
5tair7	2	My Dicks Nickname is Bing. Because noone ever uses it.
5taiiz	4	What do electricians say while they meditate?. Ohmmmm...
5tahzf	8	What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem?. I come here too often
5tah22	6	I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort. But at least everyone gets them
5tagw9	7	A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar.... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.
5tagpl	144	The Bacon Tree. Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?" "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... a ham bush."
5tafk2	12	Why do stoners make lousy poker players?. Because they keep smoking the pot.
5tafa6	5	Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!. I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans (look it up) were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
5taf0a	522	How do you drown a hipster?. Throw them into the mainstream.
5tadb6	0	Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?. He is busy making good music.
5tacgt	10	A impoverished brother and sister are trying to come up with ways to make a few extra bucks.. The sister says "I'm going down to give blood. I hear they'll pay $20." "Wow," says brother, "I'm going to go donate sperm, I hear that pays $100." The sister angrily leaves the homeless shelter. The next day the brother seeing his sister leaving the homeless shelter he asks, "where are you headed to?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
5tac5i	4	Why did the full chromosome human go to war. He was diploid
5tabkj	4	A Chinaman in Paris picks up a girl and takes her to his hotel room.. He opens the bedroom window and takes a deep breath. Then, they get into bed together and make love. After a while the Chinaman says, "Excuse me, I am a little tired." He gets out of the bed, goes over to the window, takes a deep breath. Then he rolls under the bed and comes out the other side. He jumps into bed and starts to make love again. After a while, he gets up saying, "Excuse me, I am a little tired." Again, he goes over to the window, and takes a deep breath, then he rolls under the bed and gets out the other side. He jumps back into bed and starts making love once more. When this has happened five times, the girl gets up saying, "Excuse me, I am a little tired, too." She goes over to the window, takes a deep breath of air, looks under the bed and finds four Chinamen there.
5tab1w	7	A Catholic Priest finds a job.. Dave the Catholic Priest needed a part time job. His salary was still quite low and he needed to save up while on vacation. So he got in contact with Francis, the Bishop, to get help in spreading word around local businesses that Dave was a good, honest chap ready to undertake work. In no time at all Dave got a break- fast food. He showed up at 7 am for the first day. Jim, an old friend of Francis the Bishop, was sympathetic to Dave's cause and was happy in giving him a dozen hours a week. He was also aware of Dave's one flaw that Francis warned him about: Dave tended to daydream and become forgetful, aloof or even careless during monotonous tasks. This had led to him losing the Church keys on a few occasions. Leading Choir practice in the driving rain was not a pleasant experience. So Jim was on the lookout and intended to keep a keen eye on Dave's performance. "Dave mate. I haven't trained you in food safety yet. So for this week you're responsible for keeping the joint clean before, during, and after the chippy is open for service. Right. Any questions? Good man," So Dave was handed reign of all cleaning supplies and tasks. Days 1 and 2 went okay. Dave just about managed to prep the front of shop for the opening, though struggled keeping count of all the bits and bobs in inventory. Day 3 was a struggle. Dave, used to working in leisurely pace found wiping down tables and clearing trash in time quite taxing. More than once he left spray bottles around benches and behind doors. Customers were befuddled and Jim left frustrated at this incompetence. Jim stopped Dave on the morning of day 4. Trash was found under tables, counters left too greasy after ineffective wiping, and the supplies were whittled away almost to nothing but a sponge after Dave's mismanagement. "Jim, look I'm really sorry. But I'm getting the hang of this now! Please give me another role if you really don't me cleaning." So Jim complied. The next day Dave turned up at 6.30 am as per instruction. "Okay Dave. Fresh start. This job is a bit new and I'm sure you'll learn from it too. You need to collect the frozen supplies at the store. They've been paid for so don't worry. Just collect everything and race back in good time. If you know what I mean." Dave thought he knew exactly what Jim meant. "So long as I drive quickly, I can take the rest of the day off!" Two hours later on what should have been a 15 minute trip, Dave entered the premises with a dejected expression. Ten minutes later Jim also wore the same expression, albeit with a scowl and high blood pressure to match; Dave had struck a streetlamp, mounted the sidewalk and blown out a tire in the process because he thought Jim wanted him to race back. With the company car out of service Jim was strained to keep things operational. Dave was becoming a liability. To the sheepish priest he said, "Dave. Final chance. I hired you as a favor, not a burden. From tomorrow work in the back with Phil on food. He'll give you something to do." Dave nodded vigorously, "Thank you so much Jim! I swear to it- I won't be forgetful or careless. You can count on me!" "Yeah. Good. Just don't burn this place down." 6.30 am, the next day. Dozens of customers filed in and out every few hours, bellies filled, vinegary lips smacked. Jim didn't see much of Dave. Naturally he was quite nervous. No complaints over the phone for mixed up orders, or hair in the mayo, or dismembered digits in the salad. Maybe he should have put Dave there in the first place. The next day came and went. Another suspiciously uneventful day. Almost too quiet. "Don't fret too much", Jim thought to himself later on that Thursday evening. "Phil was happy with Dave's work and didn't mention any hiccups." A week passed in this way. Jim was in a good mood to say the least. Sales and profit had nearly increased by 500%; customers were actually leaving feedback on their experience for the first time in months; The company car was back from repairs, costs much lower than anticipated; the takeaway was still not destroyed in a fire, and Phil reported no missing items or mishap in the kitchen. Even Dave was in a good mood, starting and leaving his shifts with a smile on his face and lively spring in his step, giving him an almost surreptitious look. It was nearing the end of Dave's vacation. Jim had just handed the last overtime paycheck to his star employee when he thought to ask something on his mind for a while now, "Dave, top job. You've done wonders to help this takeaway get back on its feet again. Everyone loves the food. Heck, even people from the next town over are calling in to order! So between us two men- how on earth do you cook so well? The battered fish is the talk of the town, so are the chicken wings- oh and the chips! They're so good they make you want to slap your mama! How have you done it!?" "It's nothing, really Jim!" "No, no! Please tell! You're one of us. Even if you're leaving, you can pop around to help any time you want at double your current wages. But please. How have you done it?" "It's simple, Jim," Dave said as he moved to lean forward, closing the gap between his boss. Involuntarily, an excited croak left Jim's throat. "Oh?" sweat beaded on his forehead. "Simple, Jim. I'm just a good friar."
5taazv	2	How do you get gum out of your hair?. Cancer.
5ta8jn	2	Where do cousins come from?. Aunt holes.
5ta8g3	1	I call my wife Bambi too...... Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom.
5ta7o9	2	I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork.. I guess you could say I made a pho-pas.
5ta7e1	0	Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone?. Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for? F1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum. F2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial.
5ta78s	2	A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico.... when he comes across a dairy farm. "Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?" "Buenos, nochez"
5ta70z	2	I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA!. Thank you for your time. Ask me anything. EDIT: Just a moment guys, someone is at my door.
5ta6jq	133	An old woman walked into a sex toy shop.... She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.
5ta4n0	0	What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?. Winnie Mandela
5ta3hj	1	Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs?. To show that he was leading the poles
5ta2nw	20	Milking Machine. A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever had. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the suppliers Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile.. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected ten litres. Have a nice day."
5ta26w	5	Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop.. (finish this joke in your head)
5ta199	1	I'm so ugly that when.... ... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on.
5ta0p1	15	Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life
5t9z4z	2	Timing. You know the most important part of telling a joke?
5t9yu5	10	A young boy asks his dad what the difference between a fanny and a cunt is. Thinking he's old enough to learn, he tells the boy 'i'll show you! ' He takes his son upstairs where his wife is sleeping in bed. He lifts the sheets and points to his wife's vagina and says ' you see that? That's a fanny' 'Oooh can i touch it?' Asks the kid. 'No!! You'll wake up the cunt! '
5t9yqe	7	A farmer is milking his cow. This is a translation of a Galician joke, feel free to correct any mistake/awkward phrasing A farmer is milking his cow, the cow whips him with her tail. -Fuckin' cow! The farmer keeps milking the cow, and the cow keeps whipping him. At the third whip, the farmer is really pissed with the cow, so he gets a stool, takes his belt off and ties the cow tail to the ceiling -Not so smart now, aren't you? His pants fall to the floor, and in that exact moment, his wife enters the cowhouse. +Manolo! What the hell! -Look, if I tell you the truth you would not believe me anyway, so yea, I'm going to fuck this cow.
5t9yg0	0	what happens when you take a joke too far?. The 45th president of the United States
5t9y4n	4	While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex. Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth. He said no..there's shit on your nose
5t9xws	0	Parental settings for my virgin wifi?. Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi?
5t9w78	941	Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
5t9uvz	3	I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram.. It's called Instakilo
5t9u1x	1	A Russian submarine. A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the matter with that and the shake?Vladimir said:Well,there is no more Venice...
5t9tzo	22	Valentine's Day Gift. A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell. "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?" "You'll know for sure tonight," he replied. That evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."
5t9sx9	0	A guy walks into a restaurant orders a steamy soup. After a while, the waiter comes back with the soup. The guy tastes the soup and frowns at the waiter. "Excuse me, i asked for a steamy soup, and that my friend, is not a steamy soup. The waiter apologizes and tells him that he'll take care of that. The waiter comes back with the soup. The bowl is now boiling hot, and he uses towels to grab it. The guy tastes the soup, spits it right out, and yelling at the waiter: "What is so difficult to understand?! I want a steamy soup! I don't want it hot, i want a STEAMY FUCKING SOUP!!! ... After being heated for a long time in the highest temperature possible, and cooked in a maximum heating stove, the steamy soup is finally ready. The waiter needs 5 towels on each side only to grab the bowl. The bowl is carried on a maximum heated plate. The whole restaurant becomes a sauna, and steams covers the entire place. The sweaty waiter serves the soup to the guy. The guys tastes the soup, and the waiter tensely looking at him. The guy thinks for a while and than saying: "now this is what i call a steamy soup! Thank you very much!" -"Your'e welcome!", says the waiter, and calmly returns to do his duties. After the guy finishes the soup, a man approaching to him and says: "Hey there, sorry to bother you, but i sat at the table over there and i couldn't help but looking at you! I have to ask you something! -"Sure!", says the guy. -"You are a pilot, right?" -"Well yeah! How did you know?!" -"I can tell by your uniform..."
5t9sim	6,091	My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?". I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
5t9si9	0	Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse.. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
5t9sho	2	What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken?. His alternative fax.
5t9rlw	4	Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall.. A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?" "You're joking, aren't you?" "No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at 3pm or not." (Credit to anonymous)

5tbq8s

23

I'm sorry I said "nice phone". When you showed me a picture of your baby..

5tbq22

7

Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls...". "At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation "Much nicer than the boys" Edit: dunno if this translates well enough

5tbpqy

20

A redhead walks into the Dr. Office...... She sits down on the examining table and tells the Doctor "I think I am going to die. I hurt all over. I touch my arm and it hurts, I my head and it hurts. I touch my abdomen and it hurts." The doctor looks at her and says, "Let me guess that you are naturally blonde." "Why yes, How did you guess?" "Because you have a broken finger."

5tbpnm

11

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on an island.... The island is 10 miles from shore and without any other possible way to leave, the woman decide swimming is the only way off. The redhead goes first, she manages to make it 3 miles before she gets tired and drowns. The brunette then goes after, she makes it farther than the redhead but still finds herself tired and drowns five miles away from shore. Finally, it's the blonde's turn. She makes it five miles before feeling and tired and swims back to the island.

5tbnsa

0

How do you destroy a feminist in a debate?. You ask "what rights do men have that women don't?"

5tbnf5

0

How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's?. Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage.

5tbm3a

70

We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers. They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.

5tbltw

1

My girlfriend slept over last night and asked to use my shower this morning.... "You can use any soap or shampoo that's in the shower. I set a clean towel on the counter for you and pushed the stool under the sink so you won't trip over it." She replied, "I'd prefer it if you flushed any stool down the toilet, but as long as I don't trip on it I guess we're okay."

5tblib

12

A memorable first time. One day a father tells his son "You're 18 now, and I think it's time you learned about the birds and the bees, so take this duck and go over to this brothel and see what you can do." Slightly confused, the son heads over to the brothel with the duck and meets with one of the women there. The son explained the situation to the lady and told her that even though he has no money, he does have this duck. The woman thinks for a while, and decides to take the duck as payment since she knew a guy that could help her prepare the duck so that she could cook it for dinner. So after they have sex, the woman is flabbergasted at just how magnificent the son was in bed. She even offered him a freebie but being the polite guy that he is, he refused. So the woman, desperate for another round, offered the duck back as payment, the son agrees and so they have sex again. Later, the son leaves the brothel with the duck. On their way back home a truck appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and hits the duck, killing it. Feeling bad, the driver offers to pay the son for the duck. Not knowing how much it was worth the son settles for $20. The driver happily obliges, pays him the $20, and they both go on their ways. Finally the son gets home when his dad asks him "So son, how was it?" The son replies "I dunno dad, you tell me." "Ok, so tell me what happened" replied the dad. The son replied "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."

5tbksj

1

Itching penis. I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching. He told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol. The itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny.

5tbkqr

556

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath. Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

5tbk7c

32

Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks?. ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

5tbk0g

9

Americans make the best jokes.... Sorry I meant President.

5tbj8k

13

Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?. It's legen-dairy

5tbj8g

22

I was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Cancer. The cancer sucks, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's! Wait No I do I can feel the edges of my mind unraveling; each piece, once so firmly put together, slowly falling away from my grasp. To know that the mind, the seat of who you are, can simply... disintegrate, like a mighty sandcastle in the tide... Well, at least I don't have cancer.

5tbijy

0

Why do brides traditionally wear white?. So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher.

5tbii8

1

What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese?. Camembert

5tbhuc

13

[short] what is Forrest Gump's password?. 1forrest1

5tbhp2

0

Ice Cream. Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

5tbhdo

24

I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad.. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK." EDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it...

5tbg14

8

I don't really like food from Spain much but.... To chicharrón I guess

5tbdls

15

Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.. One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"

5tbcbv

2

Organic chemistry is difficult. Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

5tbc0x

1

I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral. Apparently I faked it really badly

5tbb7x

42

Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella?. Fo drizzle

5tb991

0

Courtroom antics.. Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom? Knowing they'll never find the bodies.

5tb98v

33

What's the difference between your penis and your tax return?. She'll blow your tax return

5tb81u

0

The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house.. I hired a midget butler.

5tb7i1

8

Why can't Hindi people fight with each other?. Because they can't have beef!

5tb7ek

1

Who is Wolverine's favorite author?. Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...)

5tb6a9

158

A chicken goes into the library.. A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book." The librarian says, "You want a book?" "Book" "Any book?" "Book" So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book." The librarian says, "Now you want two books?" "Book-book." So she give a chicken two more novels. The chicken leaves but again comeback an hour later. "Book-book-book." "Three books?" "Book-book-book." So the librarian gives the chicken three books, but she decides she'll follow the chicken and finds out what is going on? And the chicken crosses the road, goes down the alley, out of town and towards the woods, into the woods and down to the river, down to the swamp, and there is a bull frog. The chicken sets the books down by him. The bullfrog looks at the books and says, "Reddit...Reddit...Reddit..."

5tb3gs

6

What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn?. An acidic Jew.

5tb2n4

8

Are you sitting on the F5 key?. Because dat ass is so refreshing!

5tb1yk

4

Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off!. Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them

5tb1oc

37

I only lie to people I don't like.. Don't worry, I like you.

5tb0rg

2

Why did Eminem only have one biological kid?. He only had one shot

5tayv4

0

Click here to see a pun. ctuation mark.

5tay7n

4,295

A Teacher asks the students... "Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?" Nobody is able to answer Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer." The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question. Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple." Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils. Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer." The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?" Teacher: "No, that's impossible." Students: "It is possible, my father said." Teacher : "How?" Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."

5taxbf

43

My friend didn't get my RAM joke.. DIMM wit.

5tawx5

4

I like my violence like I like I beer.... ... domestic

5tawu9

3

A bear is chasing a rabbit. They make so much noise a genie pops up, "If you two stop making so much noise and let me go back to sleep I will grant you two wishes each" They agree and the beat goes first : "I want a big dick." /*Poof*/ Done The rabbit thinks about for a while and says: "I want a motorcycle." /*Poof*/Done Bear says: "I want all the bears in the world to be female and always in heat." /*Poof*/Done Rabbit gets on his motorcycle and points at the bear: "I want that bear to be gay." /*WROOOOM*/ Edit spelling.

5tavrm

3

I have a pen, I have an apple, uh!. iStylus

5tauac

22

I only date black girls. So I don't have to meet their fathers

5tau9v

20

What makes an ISIS joke funny?. The execution.

5tasnf

6

My wife and I were happy for 25 years.. Then we got married.

5tasd7

1,260

I redid my entire house with mirrors.... You could say it really reflects who I am.

5tas5r

1

What do you call a lying bunny?. A haretic

5tas1q

0

How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival!. Ha! Get it?

5tar2o

13

Load of animals in the back of a lorry... The cow says "mooooooooove over" The chicken says "fkaaaf"

5tar2l

2

My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?). My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced.

5taq3b

225

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer.. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."

5tapd1

2

I was going to build a bridge for karma. but I got over it.

5tao99

2

Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan?. It was nuts.

5talv5

0

Life is a bit like my dick.... It's long and hard.

5takzo

0

I know a youtuber name SoWTF.... He is sooo what the fuck.

5tak7e

2

My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community!. I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!

5taizp

2

Why did Bach have 20 children?. His organ didn't have any stops.

5tair7

2

My Dicks Nickname is Bing. Because noone ever uses it.

5taiiz

4

What do electricians say while they meditate?. *Ohmmmm...*

5tahzf

8

What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem?. I come here too often

5tah22

6

I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort. But at least everyone gets them

5tagw9

7

A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar.... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.

5tagpl

144

The Bacon Tree. Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon." With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!" "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget." "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!" With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath: "Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!" "Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?" "Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... Ees... a ham bush."

5tafk2

12

Why do stoners make lousy poker players?. Because they keep smoking the pot.

5tafa6

5

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!. I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans (look it up) were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

5taf0a

522

How do you drown a hipster?. Throw them into the mainstream.

5tadb6

0

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?. He is busy making good music.

5tacgt

10

A impoverished brother and sister are trying to come up with ways to make a few extra bucks.. The sister says "I'm going down to give blood. I hear they'll pay $20." "Wow," says brother, "I'm going to go donate sperm, I hear that pays $100." The sister angrily leaves the homeless shelter. The next day the brother seeing his sister leaving the homeless shelter he asks, "where are you headed to?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

5tac5i

4

Why did the full chromosome human go to war. He was diploid

5tabkj

4

A Chinaman in Paris picks up a girl and takes her to his hotel room.. He opens the bedroom window and takes a deep breath. Then, they get into bed together and make love. After a while the Chinaman says, "Excuse me, I am a little tired." He gets out of the bed, goes over to the window, takes a deep breath. Then he rolls under the bed and comes out the other side. He jumps into bed and starts to make love again. After a while, he gets up saying, "Excuse me, I am a little tired." Again, he goes over to the window, and takes a deep breath, then he rolls under the bed and gets out the other side. He jumps back into bed and starts making love once more. When this has happened five times, the girl gets up saying, "Excuse me, I am a little tired, too." She goes over to the window, takes a deep breath of air, looks under the bed and finds four Chinamen there.

5tab1w

7

A Catholic Priest finds a job.. Dave the Catholic Priest needed a part time job. His salary was still quite low and he needed to save up while on vacation. So he got in contact with Francis, the Bishop, to get help in spreading word around local businesses that Dave was a good, honest chap ready to undertake work. In no time at all Dave got a break- fast food. He showed up at 7 am for the first day. Jim, an old friend of Francis the Bishop, was sympathetic to Dave's cause and was happy in giving him a dozen hours a week. He was also aware of Dave's one flaw that Francis warned him about: Dave tended to daydream and become forgetful, aloof or even careless during monotonous tasks. This had led to him losing the Church keys on a few occasions. Leading Choir practice in the driving rain was not a pleasant experience. So Jim was on the lookout and intended to keep a keen eye on Dave's performance. "Dave mate. I haven't trained you in food safety yet. So for this week you're responsible for keeping the joint clean before, during, and after the chippy is open for service. Right. Any questions? Good man," So Dave was handed reign of all cleaning supplies and tasks. Days 1 and 2 went okay. Dave just about managed to prep the front of shop for the opening, though struggled keeping count of all the bits and bobs in inventory. Day 3 was a struggle. Dave, used to working in leisurely pace found wiping down tables and clearing trash in time quite taxing. More than once he left spray bottles around benches and behind doors. Customers were befuddled and Jim left frustrated at this incompetence. Jim stopped Dave on the morning of day 4. Trash was found under tables, counters left too greasy after ineffective wiping, and the supplies were whittled away almost to nothing but a sponge after Dave's mismanagement. "Jim, look I'm really sorry. But I'm getting the hang of this now! Please give me another role if you really don't me cleaning." So Jim complied. The next day Dave turned up at 6.30 am as per instruction. "Okay Dave. Fresh start. This job is a bit new and I'm sure you'll learn from it too. You need to collect the frozen supplies at the store. They've been paid for so don't worry. Just collect everything and race back in good time. If you know what I mean." Dave thought he knew exactly what Jim meant. "So long as I drive quickly, I can take the rest of the day off!" Two hours later on what should have been a 15 minute trip, Dave entered the premises with a dejected expression. Ten minutes later Jim also wore the same expression, albeit with a scowl and high blood pressure to match; Dave had struck a streetlamp, mounted the sidewalk and blown out a tire in the process because he thought Jim wanted him to *race* back. With the company car out of service Jim was strained to keep things operational. Dave was becoming a liability. To the sheepish priest he said, "Dave. Final chance. I hired you as a favor, not a burden. From tomorrow work in the back with Phil on food. He'll give you something to do." Dave nodded vigorously, "Thank you so much Jim! I swear to it- I won't be forgetful or careless. You can count on me!" "Yeah. Good. Just don't burn this place down." 6.30 am, the next day. Dozens of customers filed in and out every few hours, bellies filled, vinegary lips smacked. Jim didn't see much of Dave. Naturally he was quite nervous. No complaints over the phone for mixed up orders, or hair in the mayo, or dismembered digits in the salad. Maybe he should have put Dave there in the first place. The next day came and went. Another suspiciously uneventful day. Almost too quiet. "Don't fret too much", Jim thought to himself later on that Thursday evening. "Phil was happy with Dave's work and didn't mention any hiccups." A week passed in this way. Jim was in a good mood to say the least. Sales and profit had nearly increased by 500%; customers were actually leaving feedback on their experience for the first time in months; The company car was back from repairs, costs much lower than anticipated; the takeaway was still not destroyed in a fire, and Phil reported no missing items or mishap in the kitchen. Even Dave was in a good mood, starting and leaving his shifts with a smile on his face and lively spring in his step, giving him an almost surreptitious look. It was nearing the end of Dave's vacation. Jim had just handed the last overtime paycheck to his star employee when he thought to ask something on his mind for a while now, "Dave, top job. You've done wonders to help this takeaway get back on its feet again. Everyone loves the food. Heck, even people from the next town over are calling in to order! So between us two men- how on earth do you cook so well? The battered fish is the talk of the town, so are the chicken wings- oh and the chips! They're so good they make you want to slap your mama! How have you done it!?" "It's nothing, really Jim!" "No, no! Please tell! You're one of us. Even if you're leaving, you can pop around to help any time you want at double your current wages. But please. How have you done it?" "It's simple, Jim," Dave said as he moved to lean forward, closing the gap between his boss. Involuntarily, an excited croak left Jim's throat. "Oh?" sweat beaded on his forehead. "Simple, Jim. I'm just a good friar."

5taazv

2

How do you get gum out of your hair?. Cancer.

5ta8jn

2

Where do cousins come from?. Aunt holes.

5ta8g3

1

I call my wife Bambi too...... Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom.

5ta7o9

2

I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork.. I guess you could say I made a pho-pas.

5ta7e1

0

Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone?. Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for? F1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum. F2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial.

5ta78s

2

A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico.... when he comes across a dairy farm. "Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?" "Buenos, nochez"

5ta70z

2

I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA!. Thank you for your time. Ask me anything. **EDIT:** Just a moment guys, someone is at my door.

5ta6jq

133

An old woman walked into a sex toy shop.... She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

5ta4n0

0

What's black and slides down Nelson's Column?. Winnie Mandela

5ta3hj

1

Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs?. To show that he was leading the poles

5ta2nw

20

Milking Machine. A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realised that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife ever had. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the suppliers Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile.. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected ten litres. Have a nice day."

5ta26w

5

Knock knock. Who’s there? Smell mop.. (finish this joke in your head)

5ta199

1

I'm so ugly that when.... ... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on.

5ta0p1

15

Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter. Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life

5t9z4z

2

Timing. You know the most important part of telling a joke?

5t9yu5

10

A young boy asks his dad what the difference between a fanny and a cunt is. Thinking he's old enough to learn, he tells the boy 'i'll show you! ' He takes his son upstairs where his wife is sleeping in bed. He lifts the sheets and points to his wife's vagina and says ' you see that? That's a fanny' 'Oooh can i touch it?' Asks the kid. 'No!! You'll wake up the cunt! '

5t9yqe

7

A farmer is milking his cow. This is a translation of a Galician joke, feel free to correct any mistake/awkward phrasing A farmer is milking his cow, the cow whips him with her tail. -Fuckin' cow! The farmer keeps milking the cow, and the cow keeps whipping him. At the third whip, the farmer is really pissed with the cow, so he gets a stool, takes his belt off and ties the cow tail to the ceiling -Not so smart now, aren't you? His pants fall to the floor, and in that exact moment, his wife enters the cowhouse. +Manolo! What the hell! -Look, if I tell you the truth you would not believe me anyway, so yea, I'm going to fuck this cow.

5t9yg0

0

what happens when you take a joke too far?. The 45th president of the United States

5t9y4n

4

While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex. Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth. He said no..there's shit on your nose

5t9xws

0

Parental settings for my virgin wifi?. Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi?

5t9w78

941

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

5t9uvz

3

I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram.. It's called Instakilo

5t9u1x

1

A Russian submarine. A Russian submarine was sailing,and the captain felt a huge shake.Confused,he ran to Vladimir and asked him: "What was that,was it an earthquake or we hit something?",Vladimir said: "No Captain,Ivan's girlfriend ran with her lover to Venice", the captain even more confused says:Yeah,but what's the matter with that and the shake?Vladimir said:Well,there is no more Venice...

5t9tzo

22

Valentine's Day Gift. A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell. "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?" "You'll know for sure tonight," he replied. That evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

5t9sx9

0

A guy walks into a restaurant orders a steamy soup. After a while, the waiter comes back with the soup. The guy tastes the soup and frowns at the waiter. "Excuse me, i asked for a steamy soup, and that my friend, is not a steamy soup. The waiter apologizes and tells him that he'll take care of that. The waiter comes back with the soup. The bowl is now boiling hot, and he uses towels to grab it. The guy tastes the soup, spits it right out, and yelling at the waiter: "What is so difficult to understand?! I want a steamy soup! I don't want it hot, i want a STEAMY FUCKING SOUP!!! ... After being heated for a long time in the highest temperature possible, and cooked in a maximum heating stove, the steamy soup is finally ready. The waiter needs 5 towels on each side only to grab the bowl. The bowl is carried on a maximum heated plate. The whole restaurant becomes a sauna, and steams covers the entire place. The sweaty waiter serves the soup to the guy. The guys tastes the soup, and the waiter tensely looking at him. The guy thinks for a while and than saying: "now this is what i call a steamy soup! Thank you very much!" -"Your'e welcome!", says the waiter, and calmly returns to do his duties. After the guy finishes the soup, a man approaching to him and says: "Hey there, sorry to bother you, but i sat at the table over there and i couldn't help but looking at you! I have to ask you something! -"Sure!", says the guy. -"You are a pilot, right?" -"Well yeah! How did you know?!" -"I can tell by your uniform..."

5t9sim

6,091

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?". I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

5t9si9

0

Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse.. She was so excited when I got home and told her.

5t9sho

2

What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken?. His alternative fax.

5t9rlw

4

Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall.. A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?" "You're joking, aren't you?" "No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at 3pm or not." (Credit to anonymous)