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5tdssi | 123 | What is Politics?. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." |
5tdsmb | 40 | A teacher asked her students.... A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.
The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.
The next week she asks"how many grains of sand are there on the beaches in Florida?" Nobody had an answer.
The kids were getting frustrated, and little Billy told them "don't worry, I have an idea."
Billy came to school Thursday with 2 billiard balls that were painted black. As the teacher stands up to ask her question at the end of the day, Billy rolls the balls down towards the front of the room.
The billiard balls crash against her desk and the students laugh. The teacher shouts "ok! Who is the comedian with the black balls!?"
Billy jumps from his seat, strolls toward the door and says "Kevin Hart. See you on Monday!" |
5tdpwx | 4 | I bought a Fleetwood Mac GPS for my car..
It's useless though. It just keeps telling me to go my own way. |
5tdptj | 16 | A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost.. A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.
“I do” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You must work in management.”
“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”*
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.” |
5tdpho | 11 | What do you call a bear with no teeth. A gummy bear |
5tdn2x | 19,993 | An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette.... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'
The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'
The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'
The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.' |
5tdjwl | 5 | A profilactic check-up with the dermatologist at a coal mine.. In comes a miner, the doctor tells him to undress and peel back the skin of his penis.
"What's that bubblegum doing there", asked the doctor.
"Well, the mines are all sooty and dusty and that's the only clean place down there."
"What's with the second piece of bubble gum next to it?"
"Oh, that one's Ahmed's, he has nowhere to put it." |
5tdilw | 299 | 3 guys die in a car crash and go to hell. they all appear at the gates of hell and are greeted by satan himself
satan says to the first man "whats your favorite thing in the world?"
the man says "i love getting drunk just shit faced all the time"
satan opens a door and inside is every alcoholic drink you can imagine
the man walks in drooling at what he sees
satan says "see you in 1000 years" and locks the door behind him
satan says to the second man "whats your favorite thing in the world?"
the man says "i love getting pussy man i live to fuck dude"
satan opens a door and inside is the most beautiful women he could imagine"
he runs in full sprint and satan says "see ya in a 1000 years" and locks the door
satan walks up to the last man and says "how bout you?"
the man says "i love smoking weed man, i haven't been sober since i was 10"
satan opens a door and inside is every strain of cannabis in the world and a few strains specific to hell"
the man walks in slowly
satan says you already know" and locks the door
1000 yars pass and satan checks up on the 3 guys
the first guy is laying in a puddle of his own puke with broken bottles everywhere
the second man runs out screaming "im gay im gay!"
the last man satan was shocked by
the 3rd man is laying in the fetal position silent
satan says "are you ok?"
and the man with a single tear in his eye looks up to satan and says "hey man... you got a light?" |
5tdief | 6 | Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered?. Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too.
Police think its the work of a serial killer. |
5tdi7t | 6 | A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day. But to be honest I think you need 9 |
5tdhag | 0 | Three counsellors die and go to Hell... [OC]. A Person Centred counsellor, a Gestalt therapist and a CBT practitioner are all travelling back from a conference together in a car when they slip on some ice, the car crashes down a hill and they all die.
As there’s no such thing as God, they awake at the gates of Hell. Already the smell of brimstone and black smoke assault their senses and they can’t see more than a few feet in front of them.
A shape moves though the smoke towards them and as it clears they see Satan towering over them with a wild manic grin and all three men are gripped by terror.
First Satan walks over the Person Centred counsellor and speaks in a booming voice “Welcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?”
Being a good counsellor he immediately communicates the core conditions and replies “I really value your interest in me but I’m wondering if we should focus on you. I had the sense you’re trying to keep me at a distance and that’s okay”
Satan is a little stunned by this answer and decides to have the poor man dragged away by demons to see if hot pokers can get a more sensible answer from him and he moves on to the gestalt therapist, standing over the man still sat on the ground.
Once again he speaks in his booming voice “Welcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?”
The gestalt counsellor seems to be deep in thought for a moment and then begins to speak “I have a strong awareness of something in my lungs and I’m not sure where that’s coming from. It may be the toxic fumes or perhaps some unfinished business being triggered from my relationship with my father… And of course there a really warm sensation in my ass and that’s really interesting because….”
Satan cuts off this rambling speech and signals for the demons to drag him away too with a wave of his hand, a weary sigh and an exasperated look. Finally he moves on the CBT practitioner and stands over him and trying to look as scary as he can.
Again he asks “Welcome to hell mortal. How does it feel to know you are now a slave in my kingdom for all eternity?”
The CBT practitioner knows that it doesn’t matter what happens to him, it’s all about how he reacts to things. He may have died, awoken in hell and seen his two friends dragged away by demons but so long as he can maintain positive thoughts then not even these things can upset him.
He looks up at the intimidating figure before him and simply replies, “Oh it’s fine. I’m not really here” |
5tdgaj | 45 | What's the difference between sarcasm and lying?. I don't know, I'm just the president. |
5tdfqk | 12 | Son: “Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.“. Father: “Yes?“
Son: “Could you stop doing that?“ |
5tdeo5 | 14 | They should make birth control for men. Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run. |
5tdeo0 | 6 | People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective.... You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps. |
5tdefd | 19 | They say you're attracted to people that look like you.. That explains why I like women with big breasts. |
5tde3c | 5 | I invited the girl I'm dating over for dinner.. While we were all sat at the table, there was complete silence. It made me feel very uncomfortable.
I said, "Why does it feel like there's an elephant in the room?"
"Because there is," said my dad, looking at the girl. |
5tddqo | 23 | I don't have OCD.... I know because I've checked 300 times |
5tdd8o | 1 | I wish life was like a hairstyle. So you could just cut it off and get a new one |
5tdbti | 1 | What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom?. Angus McCoatup |
5tdbqi | 0 | A Matchmaker walks into a bar.... They see 5 people in there, 2 pair of couples and a stag. One of the couple is a Gothic couple and a Nerdy Couple.
The Matchmaker talks to the Gothic couple and says to the couple "You're gonna laid tonight."
The Gothic couple replies "How would you know that?"
The Matchmakers states that its because they feel that are emotionally strong for each other.
The Matchmaker then goes to the nerdy couple and says "You're gonna get laid tonight."
The nerdy couple ask "Why?"
The Matchmaker says its because they are mentally strong for each other.
Finally the Matchmaker goes to the stag and says "You're gonna get laid tonight."
The man replies "Really? How do you know?"
The matchmaker replies "Because I am physically stronger than you." |
5td98c | 1 | Why did God create vaginal mycose?. So women too can know what it is to live with an irritated cunt. |
5td8zy | 1,546 | A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line.... Wooden tit |
5td60n | 5 | How does a farmer count his cows?. With a COWculator...
But, what if they all have babies?
Then he MOOtiplies them!
Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth... |
5td4cm | 3 | When I first got my licence my mother always told me.... "It's not you I'm worried about, it's the other guys." Which is wrong.... Guys aren't the only problem. *pulls down visor mirror and applies eyeshadow, and lipstick while simultaneously posting to snapchat.* |
5td3ek | 23 | My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV. Man... I love Netflix! |
5td393 | 1 | Apple likes to leave things out of their products. The phone I bough from them doesn't have a headphone jack.... and the car I bought from them doesn't have windows. |
5td359 | 8 | Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly.... ..there was a jam |
5td2c4 | 4 | What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy?. Crust |
5td12o | 0 | Did you hear about that female celebrity who was murdered?. Me: Who was it?
Dad: I think her first name was Reese
Me: Witherspoon?
Dad: No it was with a knife |
5tczov | 1 | A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got.... *robbed* |
5tczhk | 0 | I just got done doing squats and I gotta say.... It's a huge weight off my shoulders |
5tcwjm | 46 | What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?. Wanna hear migrate idea? |
5tcvyg | 1 | Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from prison the other day?. Police are looking for a small medium at large. |
5tcu0p | 3 | Set a fire for a man,. And you'll keep him warm for a night.
Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
5tctyx | 0 | How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb. Just one, unless it's a black light. |
5tcs8b | 1 | do androids dream of electric sheep?. Not unless they're Welsh |
5tcrbk | 2 | After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores.. It was No Minor Feet. |
5tcraq | 2 | Where does a redditor drown?. In the sea of reposts. |
5tcqyp | 0 | The Lawyer and the Engineer. A lawyer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to him and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, he politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that he will easily win the match. This catches the engineer's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his pocket, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep |
5tcqxa | 55 | What does Batman take with his alcohol?. Just ice |
5tcqmo | 2 | Ooly Booly. A young man is flying over the oceans with a small plane, until suddenly his engine fails. There is no way for him to stear back to the mainland and so he crashes on a small unknown island.
He managed to survive the crash and decides to walk around in the forest to look for food. After some time in the forest, SNAP, he activates a trap and is now hanging upside down in a tree.
A small group of tribe members cut him down and take him to the tribe leader that only speaks the sentence "Ooly Booly, or chop your head", without a single doubt the young man yells "please Ooly Booly" and gets mounted from behind by one of the tribe members.
With slight pain and a lot of regret he is released in the forest. Completely dissorrientated he runs away in a random direction and again, SNAP he is hanging upside down.
Dragged in front of the chief he hears again "Ooly Booly, or chop your head". But this time there is 3 natives standing next to the chieften licking their tongues. Knowing what is about to happen but no other acceptable option he says "Ooly Booly" and turn for turn the 3 tribe members have a go at him.
Hardly able to walk and completely humiliated he pushes himself through to forest trying to avoid any traps. Seeing the sea come closer, he feels that this time he will make it, but.. SNAP, again upside down.
This time hearing the words "Ooly Booly or chop your head" and seeing a group of 10 natives licking their tongues, he knows he is done for. So he gathers enough courage to mumble the words "chop my head" to which the chief replays "sure.. but first Ooly Booly!" |
5tcq1e | 0 | The Godfather and his Attorney. The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." |
5tcpwf | 13 | The Greatest Pig.... A man was visiting his worldly uncle on his farm, when a pig in a wheeled cart trotted past him, missing its two hind legs. He leaned over to his uncle and asked "Uncle, what happened to that pig in the wheelchair?"
The uncle takes a deep draw of his pipe and points to the pig. "I owe that pig my life, my wealth and the love of my beloved wife."
"All that?"
"I reckon, yes. See, years ago when I got the pig, I was planning to roast it whole. But, I got a little drunk and fell asleep, bout that time a wire went bad in the walls and the house caught fire! That pig though, it was so damn smart it managed to drag me to safety until help arrived."
"That's incredible!"
"A few days later, I was still trying to recover my belongings from the fire when the pig nosed up an old chest that'd been hidden under my floorboards! Wouldn't you know it, the thing was un-liftably filled with silver treasures. I had it all into a vault in the bank within the day and never needed to worry on expenses ever again."
"The blind luck!"
"Oh yes, but see, while I was busy counting those many silver pieces, a single gold ring tumbled out of the pile and the pig picked it up with it's teeth and took off running down the street! I had to run to catch up with it for several blocks, I finally caught up and kneeled down to fetch the ring from it's mouth when I looked up and saw the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. She thought I was proposing! We had a grand laugh about it over lunch, and almost a month later I proposed to her for real, with that very ring. Yes sir, that pig has been my most loyal companion for years now."
"This is all so overwhelming, all this from a pig with just two legs?"
"Oh, no, it had more, just didn't seem right to eat it all at once." |
5tcpto | 280 | Reasonable Doubt. A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.
The jury foreman answered: "Oh, we looked. But your client didn’t." |
5tcps7 | 9 | Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.. Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year. |
5tcp9w | 6 | My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. He said "at least my mother-in-law can't come and visit." Well, at least he found something to laugh about XD |
5tcoz7 | 1 | What do Irish plumbers earn for overtime?. Time an' a Turd. |
5tco8d | 16 | An Irishman walks into a bar.... Just kidding he was born there and never left |
5tcncr | 0 | My apologies.. Two punjabi neighbours are arguing over whose fence is better. One says, "Your fence isn't even waterproof. You didn't picket correctly". The other slaps the first. Enraged the first shouts, "How dare you. What gave you the right to slap me." The second neighbour replies, "It's not my right, it's my state. It's my Pun-job". |
5tcmta | 0 | I was in a bar yesterday.... when suddenly realised i needed to fart. The music was really loud, so i timed my farts with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, i started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that many people were staring at me. I Then suddenly remembered i had been listening to my iPod |
5tclrl | 8 | Is this the bus for dyslexic kids?. Oops, wrong sub. |
5tckxh | 6 | I'm gonna tell you an oxygen and potassium joke,. OK? |
5tcjj4 | 1 | A man walks down the street wearing a pineapple on his head. Another man noticing him and asks:
"Umm, sir? Do you realize you have a pineapple on your head?"
"Well... yeah", he says.
-"But... why?"
-"Dude! I wears pineapple on my head every Tuesday!"
-"But... today is Wednesday..."
The man quickly removes the pineapple from his head and yells: "Oh god, i feel so stupid!"
|
5tchsh | 9 | Why did the mortician cross the road?. To get to the other suicide |
5tchrw | 9 | A woman gives birth to twins. An old fisherman and his wife settle down and decide to have some kids. The wife ends up giving birth to twins, both boys. Eventually as the babies grow the couple notice that the two never face the same way. Wherever one of them looks the other is always facing the opposite direction, no matter what they do. The couple decide to name them Toward and Away.
The kids grow and have a happy childhood despite this strange behavior and when they turn 10 years old their father decides he wants to teach them to learn how to be fishermen like him. He teaches them all the tools of the trade, the right knots to tie, the proper way to care for the equipment, how to steer the boat and catch the wind in the sails, and all the other ins and outs of the trade.
One day the three head out on a fishing trip together. The mother kisses them goodbye, wishes them well, and watches as they sail off. Three week.s go by before the father, and only the father, returns, looking haggard and gaunt.
"What on Earth happened?!" exclaims the wife upon his return. "You were gone for so long that I had almost given up hope. Where are our sons?"
"My dear," says the man, "I'm afraid they are dead. I only barely survived myself."
"What happened to you?" asks the wife.
"Well, the day we set sail we found a great school of fish and were catching many large fish to bring home. Suddenly an enormous fish, bigger than the boat, lept out of the water and capsized us with the wave that came from it. We were flung into the water where we clung to driftwood to stay afloat. As we tried to get back together the fish breached again, swallowing Toward in its great jaws."
"Oh, my, that's terrible!"
"It is, but you should have seen the one that got Away!" |
5tchln | 7 | Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery?. So it would get charged with murder. |
5tcget | 16 | The English Teacher in India. Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
5tcg9n | 0 | What Did The Orange Say To The Apple. Are you really that stupid? Oranges can't talk. |
5tcg1b | 32 | What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?. One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. |
5tcg13 | 3 | Why is your nose in the middle of your face?. Because it is the scenter! |
5tcf5d | 1 | Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth?. A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick. |
5tcewp | 7 | A poem.. I am a little girl,
I have a little thing
That when I go to bed,
I put my finger in.
Now I'm much older,
My thing had lost its charm
And now it takes 5 fingers,
And half my fucking arm. |
5tce5j | 4 | So I bought a new chair today. Guess you can say I'm SATisfied. |
5tcdhe | 1 | What went through Hitler's mind before he died?. "If I wasn't so distracted by taking over the world I could have killed so many more jews." |
5tcdbm | 35 | What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking?. A Roamin' Catholic. |
5tcd6v | 564 | Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor... Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.
Blushing coming up from the table, he sets the cards down and they continue to play. A little while later while going to get a drink from the fridge, the other wife approaches him and asks, "When you were looking for the cards, did you find anything to your liking?"
Awkwardly, he replies, "Actually yes, I did."
"If you'd like some more, show up tomorrow at 1 pm and bring 100$. You can like it a little more then.", she whispers to him.
He kindly agrees and the next day he shows up at 1 pm with 100$. He hands her the money and they proceed to have at each other, in every conceivable way, for several hours. After the deed is done, he leaves the house.
Holding the money in her hand, the phone rings 10 minutes later. It's her husband, "Hey, did Mike come by today at around 1 pm?"
Ashamed and a little frightened, she says, "Uh, yes he did."
"Did he happen to give you 100$?", he replies promptly.
Her heart sinks, "Y-y-yes, he did."
"Ah, ok. Good. He came by earlier and asked to borrow 100$. He said he'd drop it off at the house today at 1 pm" |
5tcd5s | 16 | 3 drunk guys enter a taxi. 3 drunk guys enter a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he starts the engine and turns it off again.
Then said, "we have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gives him the money and the 2nd guy says "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slaps the driver. The driver is shocked, thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did.
But then he asks "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replies, " Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us! |
5tc9hn | 0 | What is the best method of transportation for Jews?. A dustpan |
5tc7z0 | 234 | What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd?. A que-nein. |
5tc7sa | 142 | I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery. He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time". |
5tc7oy | 1 | I hate German chefs. They're suck kochs. |
5tc5j9 | 5 | What is the sound of one hand clapping?. Amputees anonymous |
5tc4b7 | 47 | Pun competition. One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did. |
5tc2ss | 11 | What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog?. a BORDER collie! |
5tc2qz | 2 | Whats the difference between ET and an illegal alien?. ET learned English and wanted to go home. |
5tc1dk | 50 | My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues.. Well, one of them does. |
5tc19k | 34 | One night, a man walks into a bar looking sad.... The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says, “Oh, just a beer."
The bartender asked the man, “What's wrong, why are you so down today?”
The man said, “My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.”
The bartender said, “So what's wrong with that?”
The man said, “Well, the month is up tonight.” |
5tc16r | 0 | What do you call Arab porn?. XXXPlosive |
5tc15c | 0 | Why couldn't the japanese police catch the black man?. because he nigeru |
5tc0wu | 26 | A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet.... The first caller gets through.
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!" |
5tc09v | 6 | Girls call me shortcut. My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long |
5tbzus | 9 | Where does Phil Collins record his songs?. In a stu-stu-studio. |
5tbz5z | 0 | Cancer runs in my family.. July was a very popular month to have babies. |
5tbynw | 580 | February 10th should be National Fart Day.. Because it's 2/10. |
5tby9a | 0 | What's the Difference between Marlin the Fish and Walter White?. One's finding Nemo the other one is funding Chemo! |
5tby4z | 11 | A priest has diarrhea. Holy shit!!!! |
5tbwyk | 3 | How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?. Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and another to hold the peni... LADDER! |
5tbwgv | 1 | Donald Trump uses a special steroid to stay ahead in the game.. Orange juice. |
5tbw9h | 7 | What do you call a teenage Hitler. Zitler |
5tbvyi | 0 | So a man walks into a bar.... ... and he goes straight to the bartender. He orders a grasshopper and a screwdriver, and pays with a $100 bill.
The bartender, not thinking much of it, simply gives the man his drinks and his change. The man then drinks both of the beverages.
The man then spots a good friend across the bar, and notices that his friend is with a woman that looked nothing like the friend's wife. The man confronts his friend when he is alone, and the friend says
"Actually, that's my sister. She's visiting town from Pittsburgh."
The friend then pulls out his phone and proves this with some family photos and their last few text conversations. The man, realizing he misunderstood the situation, apologizes to his friend and his sibling and walks out of the bar, wishing both of them a good night.
The man walks down the street when he watches two people dressed as apes, three women dressed as clowns, and two kids in a tandem horse costume. The man knows it is Halloween, so this succession of people doesn't phase him or anyone else on the sidewalk.
The man reaches his house and, noting that the lights are off, quietly unlocks the door so as to not wake up his sleeping wife. He slowly tiptoes his way up the stairs when he misses a step and stumbles down three stairs. This wakes up his wife, and she walks out of their bedroom and says
"Are you okay sweetie?"
"Yeah," the man says, "I just stumbled a bit. Sorry I'm late, I ran across Jim at the bar and we had a chat."
"It's alright, honey. Just get to bed soon, okay? I need you to get Billy to his friend's birthday party tomorrow."
"Okay, sweetest." Said the man. He doesn't really want to do it, since it means he has to talk with the other kids' parents while he's there, and the man isn't very good at small talk.
But he loves his son, so he will do it anyway. The man undresses and lays down on the bed, content with the day he had. |
5tbvw1 | 0 | What's the first thing Eskimos teach their kids?. Don't eat yellow snow. |
5tbv7j | 3 | My stomach hasn't felt well all day, I'm like a bartender during an earthquake.... I'm having trouble controlling my stools. |
5tbur4 | 7 | If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing?. A homosexual. |
5tbuoi | 0 | Boyfriend suggesting For Prisma. Girl Friend, i am not able to install prisma app in my mobile.
Boyfriend: Check your phone storage is full.
Girl Friend: Hhmm, is there any alternative of this app?
Boy Friend: Yes, Take Selfie Without Make up |
5tbuk3 | 2,356 | My phone fell from the 20th floor,. good thing it was in airplane mode. |
5tbuad | 1 | When life gives you lemons.... why do you use a bra? |
5tbsiz | 8 | Napping at work. Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus. |
5tbsae | 22 | Two vampire bats were hanging arround. Suddenlly the first one states: "I'm hungry, I'm going to grab a bite to eat" and he flies off.
Half an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin.
The other bat asks: "Did you get your fill?"
"Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way over there?"
"Ahha"
"Well beyond that barn there is a huge herde of cows... an all you can eat bufette"
So the second bat gets excited and flies off.
45 minutes latter he returnes with a gloom expression and a face full of blood. "Do you see that big church tower over there?" He asks his friend.
"Yeah, I see it"
"Well I sure as hell didn't" |
5tbrq8 | 20 | A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night.... He proceeds to bring the house down. |
Subsets and Splits