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5tja1i

I'm thirsty. Hello Thursday, I'm Friday. Let's go out Saturday and have a Sunday

5tj8tr

I was trying to understand how horse's reflexes work. And then it hit me.

5tj8o3

I fucked a fat chick in an elevator.. It was wrong in so many levels...

5tj84g

What's the difference between a Muslim, a Mexican, and a white Southern voter?. A Muslim gets permission to come to America but then they take it back. A Mexican doesn't wait for permission to come to America but then they send him back. A white Southern voter acts like he's on a mission to stab America in the back.

5tj5xh

This girl said she never wants to see me again. I guess you can say she gave me a wrist-training order

5tj5m6

I could tell you a black joke,. but you heard Jamal.

5tj4zb

Moses comes down from Mt Sinai and stands before the people. "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that he's adamant about the adultery bit."

5tj2nr

Liverpool FC have banned the Sun from their stadium.. Seems kind of pointless, I mean it always rains in England anyway.

5tj2ek

I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age. A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"

5tj28q

Why was the African baby crying?. It was going through it's midlife crisis.

5tj27b

Going To The Movies. I told my wife I wanted to watch a movie about a billionaire playboy with a penchant for darkness, inflicting violence and dressing up in masks. She got excited and asked, "Are we really go to see *50 Shades*?" I laughed and told her I was talking about *The Lego Batman Movie*.

5tj22r

[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis. It never strikes the same place twice

5tj1dm

What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment?. Aunt Mayonnaise

5tj0eq

What's my idea of foreplay?. Half an hour of begging

5tj0df

How do you get on top of a Mexican restaurant?. Use an enchiladar.

5tiyfb

So I heard today.... Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.

5tixh1

My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant.... I guess she's showing her the ropes.

5tivvc

What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?. Her/she

5tivii

A friend once asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?". I told him: "Cold war Russia"

5tiux2

A boy asks the ice cream truck man.. boy : "Do you have onion flavoured Ice cream ?" man : " sorry, no I don't" the boy says " ok" then walks away. the next day the boy comes again " do you have onion flavored ice cream ? " asks the boy again. the man replies " sorry, I don't have any" the boy walks away but also comes back the next day asking the same question, and gets the same reply the man decides to get onion flavored ice cream just to sell it to the boy, "if he asked for it so many times he probably will buy a lot" he thought. the next day as suspected to boy comes and asks " do you have onion flavored ice cream " the man says : " yes! a whole lot of it too" the boy : " haha that sucks, who would buy that shit" and walks away.

5tiuot

My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm.. Isn't that humorous?

5tis9m

A deaf/mute man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. ...as he approaches the counter, he mouths to the pharmacist that he needs condoms. The pharmacist doesn't quite understand. Slower, and this time with sign language, the man who needs condoms mouths again that he needs condoms. Still confused, the pharmacist shakes his head and explains he doesn't understand. The deaf/mute man starts mouthing the word "sex" over and again, pointing at his crotch, and again, slowly mouths the word "CON-DOM". Still, the pharmacist looks at him perplexed. Exasperated, the deaf/mute man finally unzips his pants, pulls a $10 bill out of his pocket, and simultaneously puts the money and his penis on the table. He points to the money, points to his penis, points at the pharmacist, and points at a shelf behind the pharmacist where condoms are on display. The pharmacist unzips his pants, puts his own penis on the table, and picks up the ten dollars. The deaf/mute man begins throwing a fit. The pharmacist calmly looks at him and says "Well, if you're afraid to lose, don't play the game".

5tirvh

Why do politicians always claim to be religious?. Because sects sells.

5tiqwq

For me, Divorce is like Algebra.. I look at my X and wonder Y.

5tiq95

What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well?. He flipped out

5tiq2z

Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock. So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock.

5tipyy

What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia?. A citizen of Soviet Russia

5tipsx

She was only a statistician's daughter. but her deviations were anything but standard.

5tipsg

Be careful this winter.... I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes.

5tiplc

She was only a roadworker's daughter. but she sure liked having her asphalt.

5tio4f

I'm eating that p*ssy. Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"

5tinic

What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident?. A rektangle

5tilz2

No actually I am not single. I am taken For granted

5tilfk

Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second?. That's the exact same way I flirt with girls

5tikm9

What do gay horses eat?. Horse dick.

5tikgf

For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie.. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

5tihzg

Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?. Because he hates it raw.

5tih5l

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?. He left his heart in San Francisco.

5tigso

A man walks into a McDonalds.. He sees an elderly couple with one Happy Meal. They take out all of the food, lay it out on the table, and start splitting it. They split the burger in half, split the fries into two equal piles, etc. But what strikes the man as odd is that only the husband begins eating. So the man walks over and says, "I can buy you another Happy Meal if you like." The elderly woman replies, "Oh no, we share everything." The man waits, and only the old man continues eating. The woman sits there and watches. So he goes back over and says, "Ma'am, I would be *honored* to buy you another Happy Meal." "Oh no," she replies, "you misunderstand. We share *everything*." Slightly exasperated, the man asks, "Then what are you waiting for?" The elderly woman replies, "The dentures, of course!"

5tig35

A bought a farewell card for only a penny.... It was a good buy.

5tie6y

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur. A lickalotopuss.

5tidgi

A blonde's phone rang in the middle of the night. A blonde's phone rang in the middle of the night. "Hello?" she said. "Hello," said a voice. "Is this Tommy?" "No," said the blonde. "You must have the wrong number." "Oh, sorry," said the caller. "I hope I didn't wake you." "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde. "I had to get up anyway, to answer the phone!"

5tid4e

Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado?. Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.

5ticoi

If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear. because they won't make cents any more.

5ticbx

What do squirrels and my girlfriend have in common?. Both of them love stuffing their cheeks with nuts.

5tiayt

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!". "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

5tiad0

Why did the chicken cross the road?. Because it wanted a new highscore.

5tiacl

How do you get a nun pregnant?. Dress her up as an alter boy.

5ti8sv

Something for cooking on a stove. A metallic sculpture of a marijuana leaf. Donald Trump.. Tin pot.

5ti8mr

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV

5ti8lo

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?. Oh. You're still doing that?

5ti7hu

I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow.. There was soup everywhere.

5ti74v

Two goats on top of a hill.... There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill?

5ti67k

Why are aspirins white?. Because they work.

5ti4xu

I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

5ti3dd

Anybody here have sex while camping?. It's fucking intense.

5ti1sv

I hate left-handed people.. Something about them just doesn't seem right.

5ti0wu

A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white. She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."

5ti0w0

Science professor. It is the new school year, and the science class sits down. The professor walks in with a dead body on a stretcher. The whole class screams and cringes at the sight of the body. The professor says, "Calm down class. Now, in this class you will be doing many things that may provoke feelings of disgust, but you must do them in the name of science. To help you overcome your fear, I brought in this doner body." The professor then puts his finger into the body's anus, and then puts the finger into his mouth. "Now, I want all of you to do what I did, put your finger in the anus of the body, then put your finger in your mouth. I will give you a zero if you do not do this." The students, not wanting to get a zero, one by one, put their fingers in the corpse, then in their mouths. The professor nods. "Very good class. However, a key component in proper science is careful observation. If you had been observing closely, you would have noticed I had put my middle finger in the corpse, and my index finger in my mouth."

5thy98

The woman in the store. A woman walks into a store. Billy the clerk and the manager are talking away, and the woman asks the clerk where some stuff is. Woman: "Excuse me sir, do you know where the Kleenex, toilet paper, ear cleaners, napkins, and tampons are? The manager replies with, "Dear Lord Billy, help her! She's leaking from every hole!"

5thxfs

What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew?. One comes back from camp.

5thxeo

3 guys stand in front of the heaven gateway waiting to enter. Archangel Gabriel greeds them but tell them that because of new rules only the ones with a worthy death story may enter. First guy in line: "Well.. I came home early from work and found my wife naked and exhausted in bed. I realized her deed and in fury I started looking for her lover and soon after I found him hanging by his fingers in our bedroom window. I picked up my hammer and started hammering his fingers until the screaming fucker let go. Falling down 4 stories I thought this would surely kill him but when I looked down I saw he had landed in a bush and survived the fall. Still frowning I ran to the kitchen, picked up our fridge and threw it out the bedroom window smashing my wifes lover like a melon. Apparently this was more than my heart could take and I died from a heart attack" Gabriel: "Sure is a good death story, you may enter" The second guy: "Well.. I was cleaning my bedroom window and suddenly I slipped and fell out window. Luckily my downstair neighbor had an open window and by quick reacting I grabbed the ledge by the tip of my fingers. But would you believe it, some douchebag fuck start hammering my fingers until I let go and fall down 4 stories. Amazingly I survive by landing in a bush but then the ass clown throws his fucking fridge out the window squashing me like a melon!.." Gabriel: "also a great story, you may enter" Third guy: "Well.. I was hiding naked in a fridge.." (spelling, grammar)

5thwi3

I could tell you a Mexican joke. but it would cross the border.

5thv9h

Minecraft. Minecraft - the sequel to Mein Kampf

5thv25

A blind guy walks into a bar.... A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He makes his way through the crowded joint to order a beer from the bar. After a few sips the man casually grabs the slack from the leash, and proceeds to swing the dog by its neck around his head like a helicopter. Several terrified patrons scream, "what the hell are you doing?!?" Casually, yet slightly offended, the man replies, "geez, relax, I'm just looking around."

5thr2o

Just a list of movies from recent years. Everybody wants some: Our Little Sister Victoria, The Neon Demon American Honey; Dr Strange, Son of Saul; The Clan. Love and Friendship - The Club. Room. Wiener-dog. Sausage Party. High Rise. Mustang. Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them. Fast And Furious 7. Arrival, Joy, Zootopia. Deadpool. The Hateful 8.

5thqgy

Gynecologist: Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm??. Beautiful young patient: Probably golfing with his buddies...

5thn2x

What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized?. I am not a cook.

5thn0q

What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school?. I don't know I'm just a drone pilot

5thm9e

How did the geologist win his lawsuit?. By taking advantage of the quartz system.

5thl2u

What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves?. Intermitten

5thkjn

A blonde walks into a TechStore. She says: "Can i have that TV over there?" The Man on the Counter replies: "No because you're blonde". The next day the Blonde decides to put on a brunette wig and goes back into the store and asks again: "Can i have that TV over there?" The Man on the Counter, again replies: "No because you're blonde!" the blonde is completely bewildered at why he knew that she was blonde! so she tries again the next day with a red wig, again the same respone, and so on and on with always different wigs. Then one day she asks: "OKAY! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT I'M BLONDE?" The man replies: "Because that a f*cking microwave"

5thiu9

Rick Astley will let you borrow you any movie in his Pixar collection.... Except for one: he´s never gonna give you UP!

5thhcm

TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities.. Alt-right.

5thh4v

A jew walks into a bar.... It was a dozen kilograms and he sold it for a grand

5thgzu

Some friends and I were going to a Halloween party.... My friends Warren, Nicholas, and I were going to a Halloween party. We needed to pick out costumes. Being an avid cosplayer, Nicholas, who we called Nick, was going as the iron giants. I'm more inclined to go with a simple costume, as I have in the past. I went as a roll of toilet paper. Warren, who we called War because it sounds better than 'Ren,' could not for the life of him choose what to wear. So we went to the costume store and looked at every single outfit we could. He decided to pick out a ninja turtle outfit. Well, our friend Catherine, who we called Kate, was there and she was also going to be a ninja turtle. She became a bit upset at the thought of wearing the same thing as War. "Look," Kate told Nick, " I know that if it were you that picked out the same costume as me, you'd change it. Same to you," she told me. "You guys are reasonable like that. But War. War never changes."

5thgwi

Which song is the most salty?. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey, Jude

5thfkz

Two women are sitting at a bus stop.... They're both smoking, and it starts to rain. One if them out her cigarette out, and the other took out a condom to put over the cigarette so she could continue smoking. The woman looks at the one with the condom and says, "wow that's neat, what is it and where can I get one?" The other woman replies, "it's a condom, you can get them at any of your locals pharmacies." So the woman walks to a nearby pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks the cashier, "hey can I have a pack of condoms please?" The cashier says, "sure what size?" To which she replies, "the size that can fit a camel."

5theuh

What did the man say after eating a Big Mac, a McRib, a bucket of KFC, and a Arby's brisket?. Nothing. He died of a heart attack.

5thei7

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping

5thdiw

Communism is a trash can ideology. When you're eating out of a trash can it doesn't sound half bad.

5thb97

A Jewish man walks into a bar.... He sits down and orders a drink. After a while he gets bored and tells the bartender "Bartender... Tell me a funny joke." The bartender tells him "Hitler killed millions of Jews and one clown." The Jewish man, dumbfounded, tells him "... I don't get it. Why the clown?" The bartender "See, nobody ever gives a shit about the Jews."

5tha4k

Kids of the 2010's will get this.... Smartphones.

5th8s4

How do you comfort a grammar buff?. There, their, they're.

5th8h2

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?. It was just a stage he was going through.

5th861

which came first the chicken or the egg?. the chicken because eggs cant cum

5th7b7

Why did the sugar hang out with the tomoto?. He wanted to ketchup.

5th7a8

I just bought a replica of the Knight Rider car.. The previous owner said it was a *KITT* car.

5th5u9

Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple?. The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along.

5th3ve

If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey..... Keep it short and sweet.

5th1vw

How come american cops always lose at pool?. Because they always shoot down the black one first.

5th14j

A rich man needs to paint his entire mansion. So he asks to 3 people for the price: A Chinese, a German and a Brazilian. The Chinese says: It'll cost 2 million dollars. 1,5 million for painting, half a million for profit. The German says: It'll cost 4 million. 2,5 million for the painting and 1,5 million for profit The Brazilian says: It'll cost 10 million. You get 4 million, I get 4 million, and give 2 for the Chinese

5th0h1

What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east?. "Women's rights" *^ba-dum ^ching*

5tgzey

The bass drop. In school, I once dropped the base. The kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . .

5tgxet

What happens to a penis after sex?. Natural In-Stink

5tgwne

At church one sunday.... I was praying to God about some new trainers i want, when all of a sudden, a tall white haired man appears saying in a deep voice "I A GOD" a little stunned i dont believe the white bearded man, "prove it" i say, then poof my brand new trainers appear before me now, flabbergasted i ask "wow, so out of all the prayers why did you answer mine, about some trainers?" God then looks at me and says "well, i got bored of giving kids in Africa AIDS"

5tgtjl

"Would you like a drink?". "I have a boyfriend!" "I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt"

5tgsqu

Our neighbours criticized our new fence. We took offense

5tgqfn

RIP Jobs. What did the unemployed cancer cell say? "We should get Jobs"

5tgq1s

Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake. They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm? Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles. Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too. Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles