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5totrt

The government in this town is excellent,. and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

5toqyi

I hate milking cows, every time I do it.... It makes me shUDDER.

5too53

As a wine enthusiast, I am appalled by Trump's recent executive orders.. What right does he have to ban sommeliers from entering this country?

5tomg4

I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo.... ...in morse code. [Credit goes to Emo Phillips]

5tokd5

Why does a squirrel swim on it's back?. To keep his nuts dry

5tok8b

Did you hear about the drunk guy who got suplexed?. He was waisted.

5toi1i

How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic?. Cap size

5toghg

Uriel. Uriel goes to Michael. "I am going to become a muse. Here's my flaming sword." "What will you use instead?" "My pen, idiot!"

5tofhv

Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft. But most have 4

5tocyd

Lost my job today.... Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit

5toctj

Kellyanne Conway gets caught cheating.. "How could you? I've loved and trusted you and this is how you treat me?" "What about Hillary Clinton's Emails?"

5tobix

I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations.... I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try.

5tobhs

I remember when Squeeze Theorem used to be called The Sandwich Theorem.. Damn Political Correctness

5to9t5

What can you make with epileptic lettuce?. A seizure salad

5to8g9

What do you call a fake noodle?. An impasta

5to7h6

If you're ever attack by a group of clowns..... Make sure to go for the juggler.

5to6xh

Law and Order. In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially anus. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Booty Unit. These are their stories.

5to6vf

Why did Germany almost go bankrupt?. Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.

5to6nv

Billy Joel walks into a bar.. The barman says ‘Bill, I believe this is killing me.’ As the smile ran away from his face.

5to68x

I use to be in a horse back riding club.... But I got kicked out for horsing around.

5to47t

What did the egg say when it turned up?. Om lit

5to46r

What's the most OUTSTANDING thing about our illegal immigrants?. Their warrents.

5to0yt

Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with. Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.

5tnyq8

I use to be a car racer.... But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career.

5tnwhu

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs.... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

5tntt5

What did the yeast say to the flour?. Do you want to make some dough, Sugar?

5tnrb1

What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan?. Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.

5tnqnd

Hellen Keller walks into a bar.... Then a stool. Then a table.

5tnokb

Snowboarding seems like the gayest sport.. Is involves lubricant for the equipment, you're quite often on your knees and at the end of the day your butt hurts.

5tnlpw

A joke for St. Patricks Day. What is long, green, and has an asshole every 3 feet? A St. Patricks Day Parade

5tnkg5

2 Danish guys just tried stealing the toilet paper from my Air BnB bringing shame upon their entire country!. Worst viking raid ever!

5tnibh

So I was telling my dad. That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says "so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?" That was the hardest I laughed in a while

5tnhk9

Making love while camping is the best. It's fucking in tents

5tngyl

My bakery was recently robbed. Now, I've seen a lot of robberies before.... But this takes the cake!

5tng0t

Why was the snowman no good at big games?. He got cold feet

5tncwy

How many testicles does an Oak have?. Tree

5tnccf

The only mistake I ever made.... Was buying a pencil with an eraser on it.

5tnb3x

Never forget the pickle on your burgers. It's kind of a big dill

5tna00

What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker?. Juan Chu

5tn9rb

What is the difference between male and female?. Fe

5tn9jw

What does a mexican use to cut his pizza?. Little Caesars

5tn84z

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall. On the condition he gets to install windows.

5tn7wg

The man approached the very beautiful...... The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

5tn6w8

My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wank him off in class.... ...I told him "maybe teaching isn't for you.."

5tn60m

A Hispanic carpenter is feeling depressed. After living a life of always reading other people's directions and instructions to do his job, he decides he wants to to make his *own* decision for once: Committing suicide. So he scribbles down some words on a piece of paper and reviews what he wrote, nodding in approval. He hops into his car in his garage and tapes a garden hose to the exhaust pipe. He starts his car and puts the hose in his mouth, inhaling deeply, anticipating the sweet release of death. Soon after, he succumbs to his poison of choice and falls down, dying slowly as if he was simply falling asleep. His wife comes home and discovers him. Horrified, she sees a piece of paper next to him and picks it up, thinking it will be a suicide note to give her some clarity on what made him choose this terrible act. In familiar handwriting, she sees scribbled on the page: **INSTRUCTIONS** Step 1: Connect José to hose B

5tn4q0

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?. Cash and carry.

5tn40n

I would tell you to listen to my favorite Kendrick Lamar song.... But it's just alright.

5tn2dh

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad...... One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

5tn12i

A Genius, an Old Farmer, and a Boy Scout are on a plane.... ...The pilot enters the cabin and says, "I'm terribly sorry. I've done everything I can, but the plane is falling and going to crash. Now, there are only 3 parachutes on this plane. I've got a wife at home with 2 young kids and another on the way, so I'm going to use one of them." He then picks up a parachute, puts it on, and jumps out of the plane. The Genius says, "I am the smartest person in the world. My death would be a huge loss because of my immense knowledge. I simply must survive this crash." He follows after the pilot. The Old Farmer looks at the Boy Scout and says, "Well, son, I've lived a long, fulfilling life. You have your whole future ahead of you. You take the last parachute." The Boy Scout replies, "Don't worry sir, we'll both survive. The Genius took my backpack."

5tn10o

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?. It doesn't matter, because feminists can't change anything.

5tn0n2

An old lady was talking to her husband on Valentine's day evening..... "Dear, honestly answer this. What did you think when you saw me the first time 50 years ago?" He says "I thought I so want to suck your titties dry and fuck your brains out..." Wife giggles hearing this answer. While biting her lips she says "Well... what do you think of me now?" He says without skipping a beat " I think I did a fairly good job!"

5tn03g

A lovely woman is first in line at a bus stop.. The bus opens its doors to let her on. She lifts her leg for the step and funds she cannot reach it. She realizes it must be her tight dress and reaches back and unzips it a little bit. Again, she brings her leg up and still cannot reach the first step of the bus. A little more embarrassed, she reaches back again and unzips her dress a good deal more. But again, her foot falls just short of the step. Finally she reaches back and unzips the dress almost all the way. At this point the young man behind her reaches forward, grabs her by the hips and lifts her to the step. Infuriated, she turns and nearly screams, "And what made you think you had permission to touch me like that!?" The man calmly replies, "Well, after you reaches back and unzipped my fly three times I kinda figured we were friends."

5tmzp1

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?. Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade center.

5tmz4t

Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet?. They eight too much!

5tmxqg

I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against. Aren't we all hue, man?

5tmuz4

Girlfriend said I need to moisturize. I told her I moist my eyes every day when I think of what Europe has become.

5tmuqg

What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath?. Throw your washing in.

5tmu1n

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokie. But then I turned myself around.

5tmpit

The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches. An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him. "Hey, Luigi!" An Italian looks up and says "Yeah?" BANG After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name. "Hey-a, John!" An American shouts back "Hey! Is that you Luigi?" The Italian looks up "Yeah, itsa me!" BANG

5tmpcr

A black man, a mexican man and an asian walk into a bar.... and they are all accepted and welcomed. Now isn't that refreshing?

5tmmxj

What type of soup would you like?. Work was pretty slow tonight, which was odd considering we were trying out two new soups, Spicy Ham or Mutton, normally stuff like this brings people in. But on the flip side I got to talk to some of the regulars. One of them was this women who's parents apparently snuck out of Africa during a violent revolt. After getting to America they settled down and tried to start a family. Unfortunately after after 3 years of trying nothing had happened, so they were about to give up. As a final attempt they went on vacation to Miami to "get the spark back" and while there they met Betty White, who turns out is super sweet and friendly. She encouraged them to keep trying trying since they love each other, it will work out, which two weeks later it did. Out of gratitude they named Fleur daughter Betty. By this point in her story my manager told me to take her order, no one had showed up, but I was being unprofessional. So she orders asking if we have any clam chowder, we didn't so I told her, No Black Betty Ham or Lamb.

5tmly1

What do you call pasta made by a jamaican sex pest?. Harrastapasta

5tmlt7

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river.. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

5tmh8w

Baby are you an ether?. Coz you get my pp up.

5tmgio

Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut.... But if a guy does it he's gay?

5tmb7j

The Ant and the Grasshopper. CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

5tmaoj

A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar..... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"

5tmakf

Three men are arguing over what to watch.... The first man wants to watch horse racing. The second man wants to watch women's tennis. The third man wants to watch a childbirth video. As they each try to grapple for the remote, the channels continue to change. This is what their neighbours heard: And they're off! Uhhh-Uhhh And a baby is born!

5tm9vf

Are my testicles black? "NSFW". ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: "Are- My - Test - Results - Back?"

5tm9uw

Hear about the gay Irishmen?. Phillip Dune and James Mcavity

5tm8y5

I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off.. But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars.

5tm7tl

TIFU by vomiting on a cute co-worker. I told her, "Next time, lunch is on me."

5tm70t

People are like trashcans. When you step on their feet, their mouth opens.

5tm6af

I come from a town where you have to keep a whale on you at all times.. If you don't, they issue you a cetacean.

5tm5os

Hey Hitler, where are the showers?. >They are down the hall, on the third reich.

5tm5ay

The oven and the woman are just alike. Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.

5tm57d

How to fix the wage gap.. Wagegap

5tm4bt

What did the Doc say to Scotty?. Great Scott.

5tm4ap

The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door.. - How is it? - I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent. - Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?

5tm2yw

Why should you never buy a twin a basket of fruit?. Because they come in pairs.

5tm242

This joke about the Earth's rotation. Just made my day

5tlzxe

How many cabinet members does it take to screw in a light bulb?. All of them but they still can't do it

5tlztr

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?. "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

5tlze2

Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school.". Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: first of all because I'm dead tired, second because I hate that school and third because I've had it with those punks!" To which the father answers from outside the door, "Well, you're going for three reasons: first of all because you have a duty to perform, second because you're 45 and third because you're the school principal!"

5tlw85

If space aliens landed in the U.S. today they would say. Take us to your leader

5tlw77

I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship.. My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.

5tlvw3

Hey, what's difference between Trump and Goatse.cx?. I can't tell cause they're both YUUUUGE assholes.

5tlvln

What do you call a dog that pees on the mat?. Ono-mat-o-poeia

5tlu3m

what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?. Imagination.

5tlt7k

Teacher: Today's topic is DEMOCRACY Teacher: What is Democracy?. Students: Today's topic.

5tlsde

I walked into a bar. It really hurt

5tls59

I can't believe you blew your co-worker!. Girlfriend: I didn't, I swear Me: Oh come on, cough it up.

5tlq9j

what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson?. neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids.

5tlq6z

''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

5tlq4j

I hate flying back from China. It's really disorienting.

5tlpv9

Why do Jews get circumcised?. 1. Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off. 2. Because they never leave a tip. 3. Because there's no end to those pricks.

5tlpoi

My girlfriend was standing and looking in the bedroom mirror .... She wasn't happy with what she saw, and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Could you give me a compliment?" I looked over at her and said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."

5tloqm

"Honey, I think I'm ugly....". So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said: "Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"

5tlom5

Who the fuck does Bernie Sanders think he is?. Not MY president!

5tlo20

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog. They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps. Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good. Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump. It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.