Datasets:

Sasmitah

/

joke1

like 0

5tllp7

Which Netflix show best sums up America today?. Orange Is the New Black.

5tll8p

She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.. A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window. For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!" The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad" The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"

5tlkc3

Grasshopper. Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves. He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him twice, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything. On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done. Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."

5tlk6f

What direction did the pirate go to get his bread??. Yeast!!

5tlk0b

John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day.. The police are charging him for mugging.

5tljyn

I lost 10kg last week. I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere.

5tljp1

How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer?. There's white out all over the screen

5tljgi

I can't wait for the 14th. It will be the 68th anniversary of the Bank of England opening

5tli61

When did the nerd get out of bed?. 13:37

5tlhd8

A young liberal arts student walks into a bar.... A young liberal arts student walks into a bar. He sat down and ordered 2 beers. An Asian guy sitting on his right hand side stared at him and went: so, how does it feel to be in the mid 20s but still live with your parents? The young liberal arts student was instantly surprised. "Yes! I lives with my parents!" he thought to himself:"but how did this guy know? Do I know this guy?" He then did a quick brain search, but couldn't think of a single Asian guy he knew. So he maintained his composure, and replied calmly: "Sir, I'm sure you mistook me for someone else. I moved out the day I enrolled in college." 5 minutes later, the Asian guy tried again to start a conversation by saying:"So, did your dad get the tenure? Or still an assistant prof?" The young liberal arts student got flabbergasted! His father actually teach in the same college he attends! What's going on? Is this Asian guy a family friend? He searched through his mind once more. Nope, couldn't think of any Asian guy he had ever made acquaintance under any circumstance. Probably just some random drunk. So he replied: "Look, I don't know who you are but you better leave me alone. My father is a lawyer, not a teacher." Soon an African guy walked in and sat on his left. The African guy took a glance at him and went:"Hey there young fellow, how's your culture study thesis going?" The young liberal arts student was completely baffled. "Oh my god." He thought."I am working on a culture study thesis! How the hell did he know! I'm positive I don't know this guy!" "OK!" the young liberal arts student finally snapped:"OK I lied. I live with my parents. I have a father that is teaching at the same college I go to. And I'm a culture studies major. OK, you got me, you happy? But how the fuck did you know? I don't fucking know you! I don't fucking know any of you! Just wtf is going on???" The bartender turned around. He picked up a cup and started cleaning. With a smile, he said:"Who else wears an antifa hoodie to a bar?"

5tletv

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

5tlejg

Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs?. Her dog was blind too.

5tlbie

What do you call a flying jew?. Smoke.

5tlaql

Why do women have trouble parking?. Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is!

5tl9pg

How do you know?. An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!” He began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?" Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

5tl7oe

So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity.... ...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple.

5tl6bc

When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up.... When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...

5tl5xj

What's the difference between a good joke and. A bad joke timing

5tl52o

My doctor said I had 10 hours to live. So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 years!

5tl2ax

If your girlfriend starts smoking. Slow down and start using a lubricant

5tl1y6

Hear about the two gay Irishmen?. William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.

5tkzec

Policeman stops a tandem.. Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road. Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.

5tkyxa

Why did the hipster burn his lips?. He ate his pizza before it was cool

5tkyno

I have Picturegraphic memory.. Is that the word; picturegraphic? Can't remember long words.

5tkylr

Indian Jews!. Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York .. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?' Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.' When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?' The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.' Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India   . Our people are scattered everywhere.' The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!' ! Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!   - No Indian Jews !!!'

5tkyiz

A group of bureaucrats from the EU are out on a chartered luxury liner through the Pacific.. A storm blows up, the cruiser starts to sink, and everyone abandons ship. By a quirk of fate, the only survivors are two men and one woman from each of the EU countries. They stagger onto the shore of a beautiful desert island. After three months, things have changed. One Italian man has killed the other Italian man in a fight over the Italian woman. The two Frenchmen and the French woman are enjoying a threesome, but complain bitterly about the multitude of foreigners on their island. The two Englishmen are waiting patiently for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The German men have a strict, weekly alternating sex schedule; the woman gets weekends off. The Dutch men are fully prepared, in general, to share the woman. However, they are still debating how to ensure that both will have an exactly equal share, how to reduce supervision cost, and how to guarantee the woman equal rights. They are writing to the Hague. The Luxemburg men are still recovering from the shock of seeing half the population of Luxembourg stranded on the island. But they will soon start collecting seashells on the beach. The Finnish men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Finnish woman, and started swimming. They were soon overtaken by the Portuguese men. The Danish trio embarked on a search for people to join them in an orgy. They gladly accepted the participation of the Finnish woman, and are still vainly trying to persuade the Portuguese woman. The Spanish men are protecting the virginity of the Spanish woman and are constantly suspiciously spying on one another. Meanwhile, she dances flamenco. The Austrian men initiated a yodelling contest for the woman. The loser immediately started learning flamenco, as well as Portuguese, Finnish and Danish. The Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Swedish woman keeps on bitching about female exploitation while the men are sunbathing and waiting for her to tell them what to do. The Irish began by setting up a distillery for which they expect to receive a substantial EU subsidy. They don't recall if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few rounds of coconut whisky. But they're happy that, at least, the English aren't getting any. Disclaimer: this joke is from an old joke book I own. This joke stood out the most to me as I remember bits of it since I was a teen. Hope you enjoy it!!

5tkwxu

So what if I don't know what 'few' means?. It doesn't mean a lot.

5tkwos

Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers.. They don't like integration.

5tkwc5

Why didn't cheese want to be sliced?. It had grater plans.

5tktt3

My lesbian friend is very ill…. It seems she's lacking vitamin D.

5tkteq

I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob.. She's a sucker for love.

5tksq1

Bought Animal Skin Jackets at 60% off.. It was a great *offur.*

5tkq7c

Three drunk guys, Tom, Dick and Harry decide to rob a grocery store.. They somehow force into the closed store and start making a ruckus inside. However they are seen and the police are promptly called, by a bystander. An equally drunk police officers arrives at the scene. When the guys find out, they decide to wait it out in the back-room and proceed to it, upsetting each and every container on their way. They find three empty sacks on the floor and hide in them, Tom in the first one, Harry in the second and Dick in the third. The officer follows the apparent trail into the back room. He sees three lone sacks and proceeds to kick them one by one. When he kicks the first one, Tom barks softly "bow wow". The officer thinks it must be a puppy, and proceeds to the next one. This time Harry growls like a cat "grrrr"."Must be a kitten", he thinks and goes to the next sack. By this time Dick had everything figured out, so when the officer kicks him, he shouts "potato".

5tkq1t

I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god. If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc

5tkpqq

Rabbi and the bicycle. A visibly upset man goes to see his rabbi one day and says: "Rabbi, you won't believe what happened to me! Last week, someone stole my bicycle from the synagogue!" The rabbi is deeply upset by this, but after thinking for a moment, he offers a solution: "Next week come to services, sit in the front row, and when we recite the Ten Commandments, turn around and look at the people behing you. And when we got to 'Thou shalt not steal,' see who can't look you in the eyes and that's your guy." The rabbi is very pleased with his suggestion, and so is the man. And next service, the rabbi is very curious to learn whether his advice worked. He waits for the man by the doors of the synagogue, and asks him "So dit it work? " "Like a charm," the man answers. "The moment we got to 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my bicycle."

5tkpbr

Dentist: This will hurt.. Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.

5tkp92

Sometimes I wonder. Why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hits me.

5tknyh

I made my girlfriend puke. She likes dirty talk

5tkmhc

Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts?. You find them under a buck.

5tklee

My friend told me I should start deadlifting.. Otherwise the police would certainly find the body.

5tkkzb

Did you hear what happened to the tap dancer... He fell into the sink

5tkjrh

Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers. Will make your car look fucking stupid

5tki7a

People are like bananas. Nobody likes the black ones.

5tki5n

Whats the difference between fingering and fondling?. About 12 years

5tkhu1

If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love?. The swallow.

5tkhga

Why don't you tell jokes women on their periods?. Because they always OVARY-act!

5tkgrr

Why do women have legs?. Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind!

5tkgqz

How do you titillate an ocelot?. You oscillate its tit a lot

5tkg5q

Why do cows wear bells. Because their horns don't work

5tkfze

It's not easy being a self made man. Unless you have an Oedipus complex and a time machine.

5tkdzb

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven.... God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest." Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and Satan will sit down at their desktops and pound out as much perfectly-formatted HTML as they possibly can. The contest is officially scheduled for Easter Sunday, and news spreads far and wide. Easter Sunday rolls around. People from all over flock to Heaven to witness the contest. It is broadcasted live on several news stations, and is even live-tweeted by some representatives from Google. At exactly 8:59 AM, Satan and Jesus both sit down at two computers, facing each other. They log in and open up their scripting program. At 9 AM, Archangel Michael drops a flag and the race begins. One hour, and several cups of coffee, pass. Both Satan and Jesus are going strong. Satan is adamant that he will beat Jesus and get back into Heaven, while Jesus just really enjoys coding (it's a hobby of his). The official line count is read off every hour, and at 10 AM, Satan is slightly ahead. By 11 AM, Jesus has caught up to Satan, because Satan found an error and had to rewrite several pages of code. He is slightly annoyed, but still determined to beat Jesus. By noon, Satan and Jesus have caught up again, as Jesus decided to reformat a large section of his work to make it more streamlined and perfectly formatted, as per the contest rules. Satan is starting to get cocky, showing off to the crowd by typing with his barbed tail, typing with his eyes shut, typing with his trident, et cetera. The crowd oohs and ahhs appropriately. At 1 PM, they both stop for some lunch. Satan decides to trick Jesus into taking a longer lunch break, so he gives Jesus five loaves of bread and three fishes. Jesus breaks off pieces to feed himself, but simply cannot finish his meal. With Satan getting ahead of him, he passes off the meal to the group of 5,000 men gathered around him. They are all fed, with leftovers. Jesus continues programming. By 2 PM, both Satan and Jesus are getting rather dehydrated, so they stop for a water break. To get even for the loaves and fishes trick earlier, Jesus pours Satan some water, but secretly turns it into wine. If Satan is drunk, his coding can't be perfectly formatted. 2:59 rolls around. Satan has typed 5,638 lines of code, while Jesus has only typed 5,277. The crowd is tense as they race towards the finish line. Suddenly, God steps in, pulls the plugs on both computers, and loudly announces "JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH WINS! SATAN WILL NOT RE-ENTER HEAVEN!" Satan is furious. "How can this be?" He asks. "I had far more lines of code than Jesus! My code was perfectly formatted, too!" Jesus taunts Satan. "Well I don't see your code, Satan. It must have been lost when the computers were shut off." "Your computer was shut off, too!" Satan retorts. "I guess neither of us win!" God, rather proud of his son at this point, walks over and turns back on both computers. Predictably, Satan's coding cannot be found, but when Jesus's computer is booted back up, his program is right there on the desktop. God opens it, and it runs like a charm. "How can this be?" Satan snarls. "I finished more coding! It should be there! I should've won this!" "Satan, my friend," God says, "You have made a grave mistake. See, you may code faster, and perhaps even better than my son, but Jesus... Jesus saves."

5tkduw

What do Donald Trump and Princess Toadstool have in common?. They both say "Im Peach?" in the same tone.

5tkbxe

A lady goes to the doctor, for results of a test she took.. Doctor: Mrs. Jones, I have some great news for you! Lady: Miss, not Mrs. Doctor: Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you.

5tkbkk

Did you hear about the marsupial who was rejected at his job interview?. He didn't meet any of the *koala*fications

5tk9v0

Valentine's Day is coming. But it looks like YOU won't be.

5tk9tg

Two antennas get married . . .. . . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding

5tk92d

A woman tells her husband that she's giving up sex for lent.... A woman is laying in bed with her husband and says "This year for Lent, I'm going to give up having sex." The husband says, "What? That's crazy!" She replies, "Well, not with everyone. Just with people I don't love or care about." Incensed, the husband yells, "How many people are you sleeping with?!" "Just you, dear."

5tk82e

A young American man moves to the Shetland Isles. Unbeknownst to him, the Shetland peoples are quite reserved, and no-one visits him for three months. One stormy night, there's a loud knock at the door. He opens the door to the sight of a huge, fiery-haired man with a thick beard. With an accent equally as thick, the visitor says, "I've come to invite ye to a party." "Wonderful," says the American, "I'd love to go!" "I must warn ye, lad. The drinks will be flowin' aplenty." "That's no problem, I've been known to enjoy a strong scotch now and again," replies the American. "They'll likely be a fight too," says the bearded man. "Where there's drinkin' and dancin' there's always a fight." "I'm not worried, I was middleweight champion in boxing back in the navy. I'm sure I can hold my own." "Alright, lad. But one last thing. There's likely to be sex involved too. Hairy-arsed, drunken sex." The American smirks. "Well, after being alone for so many months, that's not out of the question either. One question though: what should I wear?" The big man chuckles and replies, "Ah, come as you are, it's just gonna be you and me."

5tk7ip

What do you call a content Asian woman?. Lo-Meintenance

5tk7a6

Piglet: [screaming] Help! Tigger: Oh, relax, Piglet, old pal. There's no difference between plunging 10,000 feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. Piglet: Oh? Really? .. Tigger: Why, sure! [Tigger starts laughing for a few seconds, then puts his right paw on his chin, with his left paw on his right elbow] Tigger: Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar

5tk5or

The Old Man. A very old, decrepit old man walked into the catholic church and sat down in a confessional. A priest greeted the old man who proceeded to tell the priest about this beautiful young woman he had met and was having so much fun with. They were partying and spending the night in each other arms and he was just having the best time in the world. So the priest asked him if he and this lady were married. "Oh no, we're not married," he said. So the priest said, "okay, say 7 Hail Mary's ..." and the old man said, "What's a Hail Mary?" The priest said, "Aren't you catholic?" to which the man replied that he was not. So the priest asked what he was doing there then, and the man said, "Oh, I'm telling everybody."

5tk5lc

Mommy, how did I get my name?. A little girl asks her mother. "You and your sisters all got your name the same way, we named you Rose because when you were a newborn a rose petal landed on your face." She answered. "So my name is Raven because a bird landed on me?" Her sister asked. Mom nodded. "HUUHNALAGAH!!!" The third sister said. "Shut up Refrigerator."

5tk45n

It's very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl. they scramble in all directions when you walk up to them.

5tk3vo

A riddle: "I'm twenty-two. Hold are you, dad?". His dad replies, "Son, I'm your age, plus half of my own." How old is his father? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: 74, Alzheimers just caught him early.

5tk3r5

Something about my mom's vagina feels odd to me. but I can't put my finger on it.

5tk3ql

The Fireman. A man worked at the Fire Dept. and came home one night suggesting to his wife that they could sort of do the same thing as he did when he went to fight fires. He said, "I could come home and say Bell 1 and we could run to the bedroom; Bell 2 and we could take our clothes off; and Bell 3, we could start messing around." So the wife agreed. The next night the man came home and said "Bell 1" and they ran to the bedroom; "Bell 2" and they took off their clothes; "Bell 3" and they began to mess around. Then the wife said "Bell 4." "What does that mean?" he said to which she replied: "More hose, you're nowhere near the fire."

5tk36g

You're playing poker like a Buddhist.... ...you're working on the eight fold path

5tk27l

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?. They each got six months.

5tk1na

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion. Probably because Mexico has more aliens

5tjxnv

A cop shows up to a gory car wreck (long). A cop shows up to a gory car wreck and immediately sees several body parts lying around. He takes out his pen and pad to make some notes for his report. "Left arm - found in ditch" "Left leg - found in ditch" ~~"Head - found in bulavard~~ ~~"Head - found in boulavard~~ *kick* "Head - found in ditch"

5tjwl3

So, I breathed air in modern america.. Now the PC police are arresting me for theft of air.

5tjwa9

Little Johny To Teacher. Little johny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, " Johny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left??? "None," Johny replied, " cause the rest would fly away" Teacher, " Well, the answer is four" , but i like the way are you thinking. Johny, teacher i have a question for you, if there were 3 women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, second was biting her cone and third was sucking her cone, which one is married? Teacher ( nervously ), "Well", I guess the third which was sucking the cone, Johny, "No" , the one with the wedding ring on her finger, "but, I like the way you are thinking".

5tjw72

A Mexican and a black person are riding in a car. Who's driving?. A cop.

5tjvss

Most pre-historic vegetables have been lost to time.... But the beet goes on.

5tjver

The Historians Mural. A historian bought a house and being the civil war era buff that he was, he wanted a mural of Custers Last Stand to be painted in his new home. The historian called in a reputable artist to have him paint the mural for him. He said to the artist "I want a mural to be painted of general custers last stand, i want it to capture the moment general custer realized his defeat. I would like it done before i return from vacation next month" The artist obliged and said he had something perfect in mind. A month passed and the historian returned from vacation. The artist, waiting beside the covered mural, ready to present it to the historian pulled the cover away. What the historian saw was an intricately detailed painting of a large cow in the center, praying, with a halo above its head, surrounded by hundreds of native americans in erotic positions fornicating with one another Outraged, the historian looked at the artist and yelled "What the hell is this?! I asked for custers last stand and you painted pornography on my wall!!" The artist simply replied "Well yes sir, thats what ive given you. I call it, holy cow, look at all those fucking indians!"

5tjtl5

A man and a Jew are sitting on a bridge.... ... The man sticks his foot in the water and says, "The water is quite cold." The Jew sticks his nose in and says, "It is also very deep."

5tjtca

A nun decides to go golfing and invites a priest to be her caddy.. On the first hole, the nun hits an excellent shot, landing the ball right on the green. A short golf cart ride later, she putts and the ball rolls right toward the hole but veers left at the second. "God, I missed!" yells the nun. "Now, now, sister," the priest remarks, "don't use the Lord's name in vain, or he will strike you down." The nun shrugs him off and prepares to putt again. On the tenth hole, the nun again hits a wonderful shot, landing the ball once again on the green. The pair drives over to the green. The nun putts the ball and but it skips over the hole. "God, I missed!" the nun exclaims again. "Be careful, sister l, one must never use the Lord's name in vain, for he will surely strike you down!" the priest warns. "Yeah, I heard you the first time," says the nun dismissively. On the eighteenth hole, after a spectacular shot landing the ball mere metres from the hole, the nun gently taps the ball toward the hole. It rolls gracefully toward its target, spins around the inside of the hole and hops back out, resting firmly right on the edge. Infuriated, the nun shouts, "God, I missed!" Suddenly, the sky darkens and the smell of sulphur thickens the air. A massive and terrifying bolt of white lighting streaks down from the sky: a tendril of pure, divine, death-seeking light energy. With an eardrum-shattering crack and a blinding flash, it strikes the priest dead. A booming, mighty voice cries out from the heavens in frustration: "*GOD, I MISSED!*"

5tjt4f

A group of Fibonaccis walk into the bar. The first two walk up to the bar. The bartender looks at them sternly and says, "One of you two better fuckin' order something."

5tjrxt

I had the worst first day of work ever today!. ... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... "Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided."

5tjr44

Where did the proctologist go to college?. Pro State University I'll see myself out.

5tjq0y

I finally quit drinking. . . .at about 3 o'clock in the morning. (You guys can have that one.) <3

5tjprl

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot.

5tjpei

What did the vegetables say at the garden party?. Lettuce turnip the beet

5tjoo5

There was this man who walked into a bar and...... There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

5tjoh8

I'm not retarded!. I just appear slow because my intellect and wit are respectively so massive and quick, that they are subject to relativistic time dilation.

5tjmvj

If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House?. The Orange Man

5tjlvy

You know what the best place to get the most unbiased news from?. The weather channel.

5tjkb4

Why did the boy leave the angyr orchestra?. There was too much violins

5tjifi

What's a metalhead's favourite spud?. Mosh-pitatoes.

5tji8a

A grocery store employee approaches a wise-looking Indian man wearing a turban and a luxuriously long beard. The employee tells the man, "Sir, you should see a doctor!" "Why do you say that?" he responds, puzzled. "Because you're looking a little Sikh!"

5tji1c

A dolphin goes into the bar.. The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!'

5tjhqt

What do lawyers wear to court?. *Lawsuits*

5tjfwz

How does Lady Gaga like her steaks?. Raw Raw RaAaAw

5tjfga

I made an accidental pun today.... I guess it was kinda "PUNintentional"

5tjffq

We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.. He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it. Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, "Has the patient been circumcised yet?" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan. The NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing. The next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids. Afterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection. We thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "he'll probably be a little cockeyed."

5tjevd

So I slept with my girlfriends dad.... But she's a twin so it's an easy mistake right?

5tjdye

A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open.. The clerk responds, "As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am."

5tjdjl

What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump?. None at all. They're both yuuge assholes.

5tjbp9

A lynx walks into a bar. A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a... ... ... Jackrabbit." The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"

5tja51

I masturbate with soap. Just thought I should come clean