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5tso4n

I have this theory about the origin of orgies.. It all started with a big bang!

5tsne4

Whats the different between batman and a black man?. Batman can go out without robin ;)

5tsmou

A boy asks the Priest.... "Why do you use a Samsung phone?" "To remind me that the apple was the first sin." "So you are an atheist?" "Of course not! Why do you think that?" "Because I have notes on why Samsung's phones always end with a big bang!"

5tsm5t

I finally watched Girl on the Train.. I guess you could say there's a real twist at the end...

5tslvm

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome.... A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope. After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?" "Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!" A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple. "Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!" "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien. "Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?" "Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"

5tsl7q

A Lady visited a bar for the first time... She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.. the guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single" the Guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single" now the bartender looked at the lady & said, "And You?" Lady replied: "Yolanda, Married"

5tsk85

I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair. Now I'm handiclapped

5tsjlt

What is a gang member's favorite skateboarding trick?. A cripflip

5tsiwl

Ever tasted Ethiopian food?. Neither have they.

5tsiki

This girl kept saying how Brits drank too much tea and how she hated it.. But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off.

5tsifd

I hate people who always sit on the fence with two opinions.. Having said that, I love them.

5tshw2

What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian?. He's having a mid-life crisis

5tsfze

What currency do they use in outer space?. Starbucks.

5tsf10

Amazon Drones. I read an article about drones recently. A software development firm was testing drones in the Amazon basin and developing mapping software when they began receiving strange anomalies in the data. The drones were covering more area than they had modeled in the software. They couldn't figure out why the drones were exceeding the units per second figures of their graphs. That's when I realized: Amazon drones are always faster than U(nit)P(er)S(econd) estimations.

5tsdtg

I just removed my sister's bra.. She said, "Stop wearing my bra's."

5tsd1c

Valentine's Day is around the corner and I don't know what to get my partner.... I mean, what do you get for your left hand?

5tscx1

How do you milk sheep?. With iPhone accessories.

5tscve

How did the Scarecrow, win the award?. He was out standing in his field

5tsbo6

What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs?. Successful

5ts9xe

I bumped into Liam Gallagher in Manchester the other day and he told me this joke. "What do Blur and Iranians have in common?". They're both shiite

5ts9rx

Why couldn't William Shakespeare go to the pub?. Because he was bard!

5ts9p9

The most attractive thing about your mom.... Is her gravitational pull

5ts95n

An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within two minutes

5ts940

So the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here". A time traveler walk into a bar

5ts88b

Roses are red. Raindrops are dank My father died. How?, my repulsive ass stank (not funny, but a valentines day related joke)

5ts7vb

A sex addict decided to repent and volunteer in the local church.... The first day, the priest was teaching him the new job. A girl walked into the church and confessed that she commited adultery once. The priest said: "You need to donate one dollar to the church so God may forgive you". So she did that and left. Then came another woman and confessed commiting adultery twice, so the priest told her she needs to donate two dollars to the church. Then the priest said:"You got the hang of it, I'm going to the bathroom and you need to do the same thing until I come back, and remember, never take more money than you should". When the priest came back he found the new guy fucking a woman on the altar, he got mad and started yelling: "Are you out of your mind! What are you doing?!" The sex addict replied: "Calm down man, this one said she commited adultery eight times and she donated a 10 dollar bill and I didn't have any change to give back to her so I had to fuck her twice".

5ts7td

A father is on his deathbed.. His 4 children are there, 3 tall with red hair, 1 short with black hair, as well as his wife. "Before I die, tell me,is that my child?"He asks his wife, pointing to the shortest. "I swear on everything that's your kid."The wife replies. Relieved the father then passes away. Shortly after he passes, his wife mutters "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three." Edit: makes more sense, also some spacing.

5ts6ei

What do you get when you cross an octopus with an electric eel?. A shocktopus.

5ts59x

A boss wanted fire one of his coworkers. Boss: "I'm sorry but you are fired" Coworker: "why? I didn't do anything?" Boss: "Bingo"

5ts4vf

A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks.. A mother takes her three son’s to enroll in school. The teacher asks. Teacher: What are your son’s names? Lady: This boy’s name is Leroy, this other boy’s name is Leroy, and Leroy here is my third son’s name. Teacher: Isn’t it confusing having all three boy’s named the same? Lady: Oh no, you see when it’s time for lunch I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for lunch, and they all come a runnin. When it’s time for dinner I just holler out the door, Leroy! it’s time for dinner and they all come a runnin. Teacher: Ok, so what do you do when you want a specific boy? Lady: Oh, well then I just holler out their last name.

5ts3ua

Has anyone found a date for Valentine's?. I did! It's on 14th Feb! Laugh please I'm pathetic

5ts2wn

How did the Ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys?. With a crowbar.

5ts25h

Knock Knock. Who's there? Me. Me who? I didn't know you had a cat.

5ts09e

A woman cried and slammed the door of the restroom . . .. seeing how she grimaced, the janitor asked if there was someone in the toilet, to which the woman responded "Almost!"

5ts03t

I can never understand organic chemistry.. It has alkynes of problems.

5trzzd

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.. But then I changed my mind.

5trxbi

What do trees do when they get mad at each other?. Throw shade

5trw20

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?. I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

5trv95

Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school?. Well, he's fine. He's awake now.

5trudp

I've been told I'm a "real catch" by the ladies.. *Lady doctors. Apparently I have all sorts of viruses.

5trtyy

The french note. A guy was going on a vacation to France. He was aware of that most french people don't speak english so he ordered a french lesson for one day to learn the necessities when going to a new country. The day for the lesson came, but when he arrived at the school, it seemed quite empty. He went in saw a guy sitting behind a counter. "Hi, I came for the french lesson today" our guy said. "Oh, I'm sorry. The French teacher is ill and will be home for a week." "So there is no one that know any french here?" "No I'm sorry. But I have a little note I can give you. Just show it when you order something, or don't know what to say, and it should work out fine" "Uhm ok. What does it say?" "I'm sorry, I don't know, really. The french teacher just told me to give it to people while he was gone." Our guy thought that was fair enough. He didn't have time to order a new lesson anyway. The day for the journey came. With a packed bag he went to the airport and flew all the way to France. He arrived in France in the evening and went out to grab a cab. A cab arrived and after greeting the French cab driver he figured he could use the note and see if the driver would understand what it said. He showed the note. The driver looked at the note, then at our guy, then at the note, and back at the guy, before he cursed in french and drove off. "Well that's weird. Maybe the note isn't ment for cab drivers" he thought and walked until he found a bus. He went on the bus and thought he'd give the note another try. The bus driver looked at the note and went red in an instant. He commanded our guy off the bus, and drove away. This annoyed our guy a little. He waited for another bus and did not show the note this time. He said the name of his hotel, the bus driver nodded, he paid and sat down next to a lady. She asked him in french if he was american and he said yes. She seemed to understand a little english, so he thought she could translate the note. He asked if she could and she nodded. He pulled out the note and showed it to her. She read it and quickly shoved it away from her in anger, and she called for the bus driver. Our guy understood what they wanted and stood the rest of the ride in frustration. He finally arrived at his hotel tired of being yelled at and ready to sleep. At the receptions desk he told his name, they wrote something down and asked him for ID. When finding his ID the note accidentally fell out of his pocket and onto the counter. The receptionist read it and as he expected, got really mad. Another guy that worked there came and they talked for a while, before accepting that our guy could sleep there, but they weren't happy about it. "That's it. I've had enough of this, tomorrow I'm going back home!" our guy thought, and so he did. Luckily this was easier. He did not show the note to anyone and mimed his way back to America. He stayed home for a week before deciding to go back to the french school, now that the teacher was back, and find out what the note said. At the school he met the teacher and asked quite annoyed what the note said. "Let me see" the teacher said putting on his glasses. Our guy handed him the note. At this time two windows were open. A gust of wind blew the note out of their hands and out one of the windows, and they never found it. Neither did our guy find out what the note said... Not even I know... Sorry

5trtfi

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?. Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

5trstg

A man walks on a street and sees an open manhole. He cries into it: "Fuck you bitch!" Then echo replies: "Bitch you fuck!" A bit puzzled, he cries again: "Bitch you fuck!" And a second later, he hears: "Fuck you bitch!" Even more puzzled, he cries inside: "Fuck you bitch bitch you fuck!" The manhole replies: "Fuck off dude, I'm trying to work here"

5trr7q

I saw a seagull. I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.

5trqqc

Why is a river so rich?. Because it has two banks

5trq3d

When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention. It causes premature evacuation.

5trop7

How do you make a handkerchief dance?. Put a little boogie in it.

5trob5

How do you deal with a bunch of clowns?. You go for the juggler.

5trnj3

What do we want? A cure for tourrettes. When do we want it?. FUCKING SHIT CUNT!

5trndt

Donald Trump loves chewing 5 Gum. He wants to Stimulate his Pences.

5trnb5

What do you call a cow running through tall grass?. Udderly Tickled

5trmje

What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality. Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those! Guy: Uh... what? Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_

5trlv4

What do black men do after sex?. 15 years to life

5trl3w

What if Cee-Lo Green wrote a poem?. I see you drivin' 'Round town with the girl I love And I'm like haiku

5trk2p

For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises.. She really wanted a hummer.

5trjjd

When is a car not a car?. When it turns into a driveway.

5triej

When my doctor suspects sexual transmission. Doctor: it could be a sexually tran... Me: not unless I got it from a toilet seat Me:(

5tri1w

Will glass coffins be a success?. Remains to be seen.

5trhk9

Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen. The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals

5trh65

This 70 year old guy walks in to his favorite bar with his new 25 year old bride. Everyone is totally amazed at the sight, then one of his buddy's asked how did you get this young thing to marry you. .. ........Told her I was 80...

5trgtz

A German chemistry student holds up a small vial of HCn.. The professor asks him if he's done with the lab. He says, "Yes, professor, this is my final solution."

5trgof

What is the longest and hardest thing for a black man?. 3rd grade

5trfl7

Why are ghosts impotent?. Because they have a hollow-weenie sorry

5trf72

My roomate scared me as I was leaving the bathroom. I guess I got scared shitless.

5treyf

I've decided that I like the alt-right. It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time.

5trep1

The real reason it floods after the levee breaks?. Nobody gives a dam.

5tregj

Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up. The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl

5tre8n

Got my rabbits balls chopped off. Friend: So how'd they taste?

5trdnl

The reason why Bill Gates is paying for Donald Trump's wall. He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill.

5trdl3

What do you call a cow with no legs.... Ground beef.

5trdjo

[Math] Hey girl, want to come over and integrate?. Unfortunately, After every time we ∫e^x I am left with an e^x

5trdgo

I love sleeping so much!. \* Opens my eyes \* Doctor: You were in Coma for four years. Me: Just five more minutes please. \* Goes back to sleep \*

5trdfm

I had a Freudian slip with my wife tonight.. I meant to ask her to "feed the dogs." Instead I said, "You ruined my life, you soul sucking, evil beast."

5trcv7

A blind man walks into a bar.... And a chair, and a table.

5trbkz

Breaking News: Samsung has agreed to work with Bill Gates on Trump's wall. On the condition to recycle Samsung Galaxy Note 7

5trbbo

Sex with three people is called a threesome.. Sex with two people is called a twosome. That is why they call me handsome.

5trb61

A naked lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder.. The bartender says That's a nice pig you got there. The woman says it's not a pig it's a parrot. The bartender says I was talking to the parrot.

5tr9ul

How do you circumcise a whale?. 4 skin divers.

5tr8yo

My das was telling me why he quit drinking.. He was talking to his grandfather and they were both huge hunters. A conversation arose about ticks, and how they would always affect the game they caught, how they were "fuckin' blood sacs of the devil". A light turns on and my dad turns around abruptly and sees his mother standing there in a white gown. "Who and what the fuck are you talking about"? "Geandfather! Talkin' about ticks! Tick talk!" My grandmother shakes her head and with a blank expression says "Carl that a fucking clock."

5tr8kr

I accidently lost some chromosomes today. Now I'm feeling rather down

5tr8h7

Love is an open~. Relationship

5tr7su

What did the man who went to get circumcised say?. Just a little off the top

5tr7im

I bought shoes from a drug dealer.... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

5tr7ij

If I hear one more pun about whale food.... I'm gonna krill myself.

5tr711

Who's the first Jewish guy to ever win a Heisman trophy?. "Fred Goldman cause he took mine!" - OJ Simpson

5tr6r1

Why don't bald people use keys?. Because they don't have any locks

5tr6j6

I think Trump's wife just goes to show.... Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't.

5tr69z

I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once.... I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

5tr5lb

The hardest part about having sex with a tranny is not coming.. Because once you come, you regret.

5tr5dd

Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom?. The P is silent

5tr4cb

What do you call to Donald Trump's business card?. A trump card

5tr41t

What do you call gambling currency that can't melt steel beams?. Bet fuel

5tr351

What happened to Ed Sheeran's girlfriend?. She ran.

5tr1to

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....?. For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound! *I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *

5tr1ks

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it? The parrot says: Africa

5tr0y4

Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars?. Because they're only there for the boos.

5tr05b

What does Superman put in his drink?. Just ice.

5tqx21

What's the worst name for a history lesson?. A crash course on 9/11

5tqwb1

Three legged chicken...... It was Spring Break and several friends arranged to spend the week in a cabin in a remote, forested region about 3 hours from school. There was nothing noteworthy about the first two hours, but it was as if we’d entered a strange new world once we’d left the interstate highways to proceed on farm roads with odd names and/or numbers. No other cars. These paved roads appeared well-worn, but it was unfamiliar! There were barbed wire fences on both sides of this two lane road and random horses and cows. Then, suddenly, there was a blur that burst past the side of our car. What was that?! We both uttered these words, simultaneously. We decided to find out. I was driving 60mph, so I sped up to 70mph. I was gaining on the blur, but it was clear I needed to go faster if I had any hope to identify this freakishly speedy blur. I accelerated to 80mph but it seemed to be moving much faster. Just as I exceeded 90mph I realized I’d never match it’s speed. But suddenly the blur made a right turn onto an humble dirt road. I screeched to a halt. My buddy said, ‘you gotta turn around and try to see what that thing was!!’ I was curious, as well, so that’s precisely what I did. I cautiously proceeded down this dirt road and it was less than 1/2mile when we noticed a broken down wooden shack of a home. On the porch were three folks in rocking chairs. I parked my car and stepped out, politely announcing my name and asking if these folks had seen this blur that had us so perplexed! “Oh, yeah”, responded the old lady. “That was one of our three legged chickens.” My buddy reacted, “three legged chickens?” She continued, “well, me, Paw and Jr. all LOVE chicken legs. It was Jr’s idea. He said we needed to raise three legged chickens! And that’s what we did! That blur---you seen one of em!’ Jr’s beeming pride was obvious as he smiled a smile so incredible it exposed his dozen remaining teeth!! The American Dental Association would have been bewildered, speechless! “Sounds like a great idea!”, I said. I continued, “So…..how do they taste?” Jr’s smile evaporated as Maw responded, “don’t know. Can’t catch ‘em.”

5tqvz0

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?. Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.