Sasmitah/joke1 · Datasets at Hugging Face

id stringlengths 6 6	score int64 0 48.5k	title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k
52jbgz	15	Grapes... What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.
52jaiy	524	A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day. ...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???". Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified... ...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
52j8wz	207	I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy. She screamed NO!! I said thats the spirit
52j8kd	0	Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?. Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you kiss She: Thanks for Thinking
52j7ut	10	Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza?. They're both cold upon delivery.
52j7qd	2	Ukraine are currently third in the Paralympics table, reaping the rewards of their investment programme.... ...Or as we know it, 'Chernobyl 1986'
52j6aq	1	New Bike. This is NOT an original. My brother sent me this joke this morning as I have recently bought a bike. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy decides to buy a new Harley. Before he leaves the owner tells him his secret for keeping it in such great condition is he rubs vaseline on the chrome when it rains and hands him a jar of vaseline. Over weekend, he decides to take his new bike to visit his girlfiends' parents. As they walk to the front door she stops him and says, "Don't talk during dinner, the first one to talk has to do the dishes." He says "Alright?" Still confused they get to the front door and walk in only to find piles of dishes all over the house. They start to eat and sure enough nobody is saying a word. So he starts to rub his girlfriends breast, still nothing from anybody. He takes off her clothes, still nothing from anybody. Then He screws her right their at the table, not a word from anybody. A little more time goes by and he does the same thing to her mom, still no word from anybody. Then he hears it starting to rain outside so he pulls out the jar of vaseline to take care of his bike. Her dad says, "Alright, alright I will do the dishes."
52j4xh	0	I had to get a restraining order from my dad. He wouldn't stop taking my picture. Damn pop-arazzi.
52j3kf	0	Trust In God, Always. There Was A Flood In A Village. One Man Said To Everyone: “I’ll Stay! God Will Save Me!” The Flood Got Higher And A Boat Came And The Man In It Said: “Come On Mate, Get In!” “No, God Will Save Me!” Replied The Man. The Flood Got Very High Now And The Man Had To Stand On The Roof Of His House. A Helicopter Soon Came And The Man Offered Him Help. “No, God Will Save Me!” He Said Eventually He Died By Drowning. He Got By The Gates Of Heaven And He Said To God: “Why Didn’t You Save Me?” God Replied: “For Goodness Sake! I Sent A Boat And A Helicopter. What More Do You Want!“
52j32o	0	What did the professor say to the sexy girl who studied the planets and stars?. You have an incredible asstronomy career ahead of you.
52j2iy	0	Doctor's have ruled out one type of pneumonia as the cause of Hillary's health problems.. Walking pneumonia
52j2fk	0	Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.. Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit
52j15j	371	Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night..... Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."
52j10x	4	why do gorillas have such big nostrils?. because they have big fingers
52j0qf	56	I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial.... ...she collapsed.
52izxi	9	Rick and Jerry went hunting. Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting the buck, he realized that an hour had passed since Rick had left the clearing. worried, Jerry walked into the forest and found Rick, back against a tree and sitting as if in a chair. he had fallen asleep while he was taking a dump. Jerry, coming up with a great practical joke, runs back to the clearing and grabs the entrails. after getting back to Rick, he put the guts under Rick's backside. Jerry then walked back to their belongings and fired his rifle, and waited. Rick comes back to the clearing 5 minutes later, looking proud. Jerry, laughing to himself, asks, "so what took you so long?" "well, I fell asleep while I was pooping and I musta pooped my guts out. but with luck on my side, and a little help from a stick, I got 'em all back in!"
52izuw	29	To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:. You can hide, but can't run!
52ixc5	5	What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?. I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline
52ix3s	2	Where do you weigh a whale?. At a whale weigh station
52ix3i	0	A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm a man.". He meets a woman at the bar. He says, "I'm a man." He takes the woman home He says, "I'm a man." He takes her to bed. He says, "I'm a man." He asks her name She says I'm a man!
52ix2q	0	guess what. chicken butt goteem
52ivj9	13	A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his.... The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's pocket. He cruises the city for hours on his bike, and even picks up this sexy, quirky chick, and brings her for a ride. She gets him to drop her at home, and invites him in for dinner... "We have 1 rule of the house sort of thing. The first persons who talks, while within the confine of the house has to do the dishes." They enter the house, and dirty dishes lay everywhere. The living room is full of hem, the hallway, the kitchen (aside from the dinner table)... They sit down to eat, and there were 4 persons at the the table. The mother, the sister, the lady he had given a ride to, and the father. The mother starts playing footsies with him under the table, and things get uncomfortable. He grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and fucks her brains out. The sister rips her shirt open, he grabs her throws her on the table and fucks her. The other woman looks at him with a smile, and fucks her on the table as well. Nobody, through all of this, uttered anything even close to being a word. After all that, the biker looks outside, and it's starting to drizzle out there. He takes out his jar of Vaseline pensively, and the father starts to shout, "ok, ok, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
52iv9j	2	today funny joke. What do politicians and diapers have in common? - Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
52iv6c	1	"My body, my choice". -Hilary Clinton, 11 September 2016
52iv1l	0	I've just de-flowered a virgin.. I mugged a Pokemon Go player coming out of a florists.
52itde	32	Why can't orphans play baseball?. They don't know where home is.
52iry4	21	Paul has a shitty life.... Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis. The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend. Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife. For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers. On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars. Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place. Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken conclusions: 1. he has to share the winnings with his friend Artie 50/50, and 2. His bitch of a wife ain't gonna let that happen. Paul decides to share this epiphany with Artie and the two of them sit down to figure out this problem, and after about a half hour the only conclusion that they can come to is Paul's Wife has got to go. Artie being the good friend that he is tells Paul that he is willing to take care of the little problem himself, Artie never really liked Paul's wife anyway. But Artie being the legal genius that he is wants to have some assurance that Paul is still gonna follow through his side of the plan and wants a contract. Paul agrees and pulls out the only piece of paper in his wallet, a one dollar bill and "Pays" Artie to off his wife. And they come up with a plan. 40 min later the 2 of them drunkenly stumble through Paul's front door only to find Paul's wife up in the living room. She immediatly starts yelling "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" "WHY ARE YOU SO DRUNK?"...... on and on she yells until finishes with "WELL IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD BUDDYS THEN YOU CAN SLEEP TOGETHER FOR ALL I CARE!" and slams the door to the bedroom. They both look at each other, smirk, then immediately pass out on the couches. The next day Paul awakes to find Artie gone, Artie knows better then to be found on the couch by Paul's wife in the morning. Paul wakes with the biggest hangover that he has EVER experienced, but Paul knows that this day is this is the first day of a new life for him. His wife of course is in her typical mood, but Paul placates her all day with "yes, dear", "Of course, Dear", "I'll get right on it Dear." All the while feeling like crap. That evening Paul puts his plan into motion and he begs his wife to go to the Safeway to pick up some pain killers and pepto for his still lingering hangover. Because he has been soo compliant all day his wife reluctantly goes. Little does she know this is the last shopping trip she will ever make. Paul quickly texts Artie "It's a go". While Paul's wife is shopping in the Safeway Artie sneaks into the back seat of Paul's wife's Car and waits for her. When paul's wife finally gets done with the shopping and gets out to the car, Artie pops up from the hiding place and grabs her around the neck and starts choking her to death. At one point Artie thinks to himself this is taking way longer then it does in the movies. All the while she is violently twitching and struggling in the front seat. Eventually she succumbs to the strength Artie built up over all those years of construction labour. Little does Artie know, but the store manager 35 year old Freddie has seen everything happen on the security cameras and has called the cops and ran outside to try to stop what Artie has done. Yet Freddie arrives just a little too late, in fact just as Artie is about to make his escape. Artie, realizing that he has been seen by this guy running towards the car knows that he has to do something to get away, so he sprints to Freddie and with one swing knocks him out. Artie then full of fear and panic gets on top of Freddie and chokes him to death as well. Unfortunately for Artie and Paul this gives the police time to arrive and Arrest him. The next day the paper lands on Paul's doorstep with the headline "Artie Chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"
52iraj	4	Show me a prostitute that is happy being paid in information about past events.... ...and I'll show you a whore that'll go down in history.
52iq1i	10	What do you give a man who has everything?. Penicillin
52ipq6	0	I caught a rather portly woman staring at me yesterday. When I asked if she was okay, she told me that she was looking for her other half.. If only half of her was there, she must weigh in excess of 300 pounds. She should see a dietician.
52ip42	2	I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but.... I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but...
52ip3h	0	Tattoos are like Women. Frowned upon in the eyes of the Lord.
52iorx	0	If there was an Avengers adaptation of snow white, the magic mirror would point to Iron Man. Because he was the ferrous of them all.
52ioq1	12	What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?. 13 blackberries and 5 apples
52io83	4	A man wanted me to engage in necrophilia... NSFW. I told him to drop dead
52inql	594	If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.... If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother
52inkq	7	The Nokia 3310 was ahead of its time.... Dust proof, water proof, had a nearly infinite battery life, indestructible, AND no audio jack!
52imtx	3	How do Mexicans cut their pizza?. Little Caesars
52imkx	9	A man walks into a bar. With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"
52imk2	0	What is the best pickup line for Rwandans?. "Congratulations! Your parents survived the genocide!"
52imb5	0	I usually don't eat asparagus.... Because it makes your pee taste funny
52im40	0	My dick is like the Boogeyman (NSFW). It scares children
52ily4	0	Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?. Because it did not want to sink into the hot chocolate.
52ilpo	55	Nithe lookin horth.... A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earthz"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe earthz, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks Him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
52il78	0	I support Colin Kaepernick but I don't want to buy his jersey.... I'd rather have a #7 seat cushion instead. It would let you take a principled stand by sitting down and it would help keep the bench warm. Just like Colin Kaepernick.
52il56	0	What kind of gardening is done in the hood?. Weeding
52il3k	1	What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean?. Bobby
52ijup	0	What's the best pokemon in pokemon go?. It's Victreebel if you go to a gym you will always get a victory with it.
52ijd7	0	Women are like locks and men are like keys. A key that can open many locks is a master key. A lock that can be opened by many keys is a shitty lock
52ij07	10	What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?. Jack off
52iirw	27	You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic?. There is no room for Jack
52ihi6	11	What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW?. A redneck's trigger actually does something
52igxp	4	Wrong Synonyms. It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidentally gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
52igr2	0	Jesus and his 12 disciples walk into a bar. Christ says to the barman "13 glasses of tap water please"
52ig3j	0	How do you get a fire started?. You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...
52iek9	4	Give a man a fire,. and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Credit: Philip J. Fry
52ie93	5	I was on this plane once.. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"
52ie15	0	What's the similarity between a school shooter and a person who killed someone while praying in a church. They will both be called Mass Murderers
52idb7	598	The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.. Its like she's never seen a penis before.
52ica8	0	What do you call a steak that is a girl?. Miss.Steak
52ica9	37	I created a new word. Plagiarism just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink
52ibtn	4	What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?. Dr. Pokemon.
52iauc	29	What is the only law that Hillary obeys?. The law of gravity
52i9x1	0	You can have the Johnson. Why would you want the left nut, or the right nut, when you can have the Johnson...?
52i930	0	Why are dad jokes harmless and mom jokes offensive?. I'll tell you when you're older
52i8t0	15	My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees.. I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...
52i8of	0	People with Down's Syndrome have a 35 - 50% chance of passing on the genetic disorder to any offspring they have.. So if they reproduce are they... doubling downs?
52i761	6	I just got a really terrible circumcision. What a rip-off!
52i4xl	0	An old Russian goes ice fishing. One winter this old Russian man is ice fishing on the pond behind his shack. He feels his line tense and he quickly reels it in and finds that he's hooked a muddy lamp. As he's wiping the muck off, a genie pops out and tells him it'll grant him three wishes. "If this is so", replies the old Russian, "I will have cup of finest vodka in World" Poof! A mug of vodka appears before his eyes. He quickly grabs the cup and tosses it back. "Amazing! I wish this whole pond filled with finest vodka!" The genie snaps his fingers and bids the man to drink. The Russian scoops some up through the ice and finds that the pond has indeed turned into the most delicious vodka he's ever tasted. He spends the next several weeks drinking the pond dry. As he scoops the last drop up from the pond and glugs it down, the genie asks him what he will have for his final wish. The old man pauses for a moment, considering what he should ask for, before replying "I'll have another vodka"
52i1zj	57	How do you embarrass an archaeologist?. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..
52i1op	0	A pregnant woman goes into a coma. A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later and asks: Woman: "Doctor, this feels like deja vu. Has this happened to me before?" Doctor: "Welcome to r/jokes!"
52i0p7	0	What did one cannibal say to the other when eating a clown?. "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"
52i05e	430	Vegans who drink water disgust me.. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
52hzyr	0	I'm sexually attracted to the homeless.. I'm hobosexual.
52hzr1	0	I run a successful sanitary business but my customers are entitled assholes.. I guess I shouldn't take so much shit from them.
52hz8w	5	Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist. Giving us proof of an "astonishingly excellent" asshole.
52hz1m	0	I asked a white girl at a bar to try suggesting career choices for me that she would take.. She told be to suck on a dick.
52hxre	0	What is Hillary Clinton's favorite pizza joint?. Little seizures!
52hxqr	0	My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison.. To this day he still isn’t a free mason.
52hx43	7	How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?. None.
52hw7f	1	A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.. He only had his shelf to blame.
52hvzu	1	Have you seen the new interview of John Cena?. Yeah me neither..........
52hv1x	1	One Liner: With everything that Hillary Clinton says, at least we know she's not Aes Sedai.. Because she lies.
52huyn	1	Did you hear about corduroy pillows???. They're making headlines!
52hu1v	0	My memory is flawless. But my ability to recall is not great
52hu1c	1	A man walks into a bar and goes up to the second story. He orders a drink called the magic potion, drinks it, and jumps out the window and flies away. The guy who was sitting next to him asks the bartender what drink he had. The bar tender tells him it was the magic potion. The guy orders one, drinks it, and jumps out the window and lands on the ground. The first guy comes back in and the bartender says to him: "Superman, you can be a real jerk sometimes."
52hsxt	128	I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out.... but I lost my job as a middle school teacher
52hpeu	8	What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?. There's never a line for the bathroom.
52hojl	25	I really needed something positive in my life. so I finally got tested.
52hodm	0	What does Plane + Pentagon equal?. Square
52ho3k	0	I paid full price for the PlayStation version of No Mans Sky. And I was completely satisfied with my decision after playing.
52hnx1	26,851	An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months........ Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
52hnin	0	I was kicked out of the military. I was kicked out of the military for being a pussy... They gave me a vaginal discharge
52hnay	101	In between her legs. A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."
52hlqs	0	What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11?. When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.
52hlog	7	What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?. The wheelchair.
52hllj	11	What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?. One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....
52hl95	0	Which is an elephant's favorite day?. 9/11 because it never forgets.
52hkpp	1	I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was a terrier.. It was a shih tzu.
52hklo	1	How did Cinderella's evil twin lose her slipper?. She came down with a case of pneumonia

52jbgz

15

Grapes... What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.

52jaiy

524

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day. ...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???". Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified... ...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

52j8wz

207

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy. She screamed NO!! I said thats the spirit

52j8kd

0

Who else have gone through this Sarcasm?. Me: Baby, I was thinking about you so sending you **kiss** She: Thanks for Thinking

52j7ut

10

Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza?. They're both cold upon delivery.

52j7qd

2

Ukraine are currently third in the Paralympics table, reaping the rewards of their investment programme.... ...Or as we know it, 'Chernobyl 1986'

52j6aq

1

New Bike. **This is NOT an original. My brother sent me this joke this morning as I have recently bought a bike.** ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy decides to buy a new Harley. Before he leaves the owner tells him his secret for keeping it in such great condition is he rubs vaseline on the chrome when it rains and hands him a jar of vaseline. Over weekend, he decides to take his new bike to visit his girlfiends' parents. As they walk to the front door she stops him and says, "Don't talk during dinner, the first one to talk has to do the dishes." He says "Alright?" Still confused they get to the front door and walk in only to find piles of dishes all over the house. They start to eat and sure enough nobody is saying a word. So he starts to rub his girlfriends breast, still nothing from anybody. He takes off her clothes, still nothing from anybody. Then He screws her right their at the table, not a word from anybody. A little more time goes by and he does the same thing to her mom, still no word from anybody. Then he hears it starting to rain outside so he pulls out the jar of vaseline to take care of his bike. Her dad says, "Alright, alright I will do the dishes."

52j4xh

0

I had to get a restraining order from my dad. He wouldn't stop taking my picture. Damn pop-arazzi.

52j3kf

0

Trust In God, Always. There Was A Flood In A Village. One Man Said To Everyone: “I’ll Stay! God Will Save Me!” The Flood Got Higher And A Boat Came And The Man In It Said: “Come On Mate, Get In!” “No, God Will Save Me!” Replied The Man. The Flood Got Very High Now And The Man Had To Stand On The Roof Of His House. A Helicopter Soon Came And The Man Offered Him Help. “No, God Will Save Me!” He Said Eventually He Died By Drowning. He Got By The Gates Of Heaven And He Said To God: “Why Didn’t You Save Me?” God Replied: “For Goodness Sake! I Sent A Boat And A Helicopter. What More Do You Want!“

52j32o

0

What did the professor say to the sexy girl who studied the planets and stars?. You have an incredible asstronomy career ahead of you.

52j2iy

0

Doctor's have ruled out one type of pneumonia as the cause of Hillary's health problems.. Walking pneumonia

52j2fk

0

Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit.. Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit

52j15j

371

Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night..... Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

52j10x

4

why do gorillas have such big nostrils?. because they have big fingers

52j0qf

56

I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial.... ...she collapsed.

52izxi

9

Rick and Jerry went hunting. Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting the buck, he realized that an hour had passed since Rick had left the clearing. worried, Jerry walked into the forest and found Rick, back against a tree and sitting as if in a chair. he had fallen asleep while he was taking a dump. Jerry, coming up with a great practical joke, runs back to the clearing and grabs the entrails. after getting back to Rick, he put the guts under Rick's backside. Jerry then walked back to their belongings and fired his rifle, and waited. Rick comes back to the clearing 5 minutes later, looking proud. Jerry, laughing to himself, asks, "so what took you so long?" "well, I fell asleep while I was pooping and I musta pooped my guts out. but with luck on my side, and a little help from a stick, I got 'em all back in!"

52izuw

29

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:. You can hide, but can't run!

52ixc5

5

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?. I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

52ix3s

2

Where do you weigh a whale?. At a whale weigh station

52ix3i

0

A man walks into a bar and says, "I'm a man.". He meets a woman at the bar. He says, "I'm a man." He takes the woman home He says, "I'm a man." He takes her to bed. He says, "I'm a man." He asks her name She says **I'm a man!**

52ix2q

0

guess what. chicken butt *goteem*

52ivj9

13

A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his.... The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's pocket. He cruises the city for hours on his bike, and even picks up this sexy, quirky chick, and brings her for a ride. She gets him to drop her at home, and invites him in for dinner... "We have 1 rule of the house sort of thing. The first persons who talks, while within the confine of the house has to do the dishes." They enter the house, and dirty dishes lay everywhere. The living room is full of hem, the hallway, the kitchen (aside from the dinner table)... They sit down to eat, and there were 4 persons at the the table. The mother, the sister, the lady he had given a ride to, and the father. The mother starts playing footsies with him under the table, and things get uncomfortable. He grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and fucks her brains out. The sister rips her shirt open, he grabs her throws her on the table and fucks her. The other woman looks at him with a smile, and fucks her on the table as well. Nobody, through all of this, uttered anything even close to being a word. After all that, the biker looks outside, and it's starting to drizzle out there. He takes out his jar of Vaseline pensively, and the father starts to shout, "ok, ok, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

52iv9j

2

today funny joke. What do politicians and diapers have in common? - Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

52iv6c

1

"My body, my choice". -Hilary Clinton, 11 September 2016

52iv1l

0

I've just de-flowered a virgin.. I mugged a Pokemon Go player coming out of a florists.

52itde

32

Why can't orphans play baseball?. They don't know where home is.

52iry4

21

Paul has a shitty life.... Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis. The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend. Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife. For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers. On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars. Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place. Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken conclusions: 1. he has to share the winnings with his friend Artie 50/50, and 2. His bitch of a wife ain't gonna let that happen. Paul decides to share this epiphany with Artie and the two of them sit down to figure out this problem, and after about a half hour the only conclusion that they can come to is Paul's Wife has got to go. Artie being the good friend that he is tells Paul that he is willing to take care of the little problem himself, Artie never really liked Paul's wife anyway. But Artie being the legal genius that he is wants to have some assurance that Paul is still gonna follow through his side of the plan and wants a contract. Paul agrees and pulls out the only piece of paper in his wallet, a one dollar bill and "Pays" Artie to off his wife. And they come up with a plan. 40 min later the 2 of them drunkenly stumble through Paul's front door only to find Paul's wife up in the living room. She immediatly starts yelling "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!" "WHY ARE YOU SO DRUNK?"...... on and on she yells until finishes with "WELL IF YOU TWO ARE SUCH GOOD BUDDYS THEN YOU CAN SLEEP TOGETHER FOR ALL I CARE!" and slams the door to the bedroom. They both look at each other, smirk, then immediately pass out on the couches. The next day Paul awakes to find Artie gone, Artie knows better then to be found on the couch by Paul's wife in the morning. Paul wakes with the biggest hangover that he has EVER experienced, but Paul knows that this day is this is the first day of a new life for him. His wife of course is in her typical mood, but Paul placates her all day with "yes, dear", "Of course, Dear", "I'll get right on it Dear." All the while feeling like crap. That evening Paul puts his plan into motion and he begs his wife to go to the Safeway to pick up some pain killers and pepto for his still lingering hangover. Because he has been soo compliant all day his wife reluctantly goes. Little does she know this is the last shopping trip she will ever make. Paul quickly texts Artie "It's a go". While Paul's wife is shopping in the Safeway Artie sneaks into the back seat of Paul's wife's Car and waits for her. When paul's wife finally gets done with the shopping and gets out to the car, Artie pops up from the hiding place and grabs her around the neck and starts choking her to death. At one point Artie thinks to himself this is taking way longer then it does in the movies. All the while she is violently twitching and struggling in the front seat. Eventually she succumbs to the strength Artie built up over all those years of construction labour. Little does Artie know, but the store manager 35 year old Freddie has seen everything happen on the security cameras and has called the cops and ran outside to try to stop what Artie has done. Yet Freddie arrives just a little too late, in fact just as Artie is about to make his escape. Artie, realizing that he has been seen by this guy running towards the car knows that he has to do something to get away, so he sprints to Freddie and with one swing knocks him out. Artie then full of fear and panic gets on top of Freddie and chokes him to death as well. Unfortunately for Artie and Paul this gives the police time to arrive and Arrest him. The next day the paper lands on Paul's doorstep with the headline "Artie Chokes two for a dollar at Safeway"

52iraj

4

Show me a prostitute that is happy being paid in information about past events.... ...and I'll show you a whore that'll go down in history.

52iq1i

10

What do you give a man who has everything?. Penicillin

52ipq6

0

I caught a rather portly woman staring at me yesterday. When I asked if she was okay, she told me that she was looking for her other half.. If only half of her was there, she must weigh in excess of 300 pounds. She should see a dietician.

52ip42

2

I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but.... I know it's crazy to think that every time I have deja vu, it's actually happened before, but...

52ip3h

0

Tattoos are like Women. Frowned upon in the eyes of the Lord.

52iorx

0

If there was an Avengers adaptation of snow white, the magic mirror would point to Iron Man. Because he was the ferrous of them all.

52ioq1

12

What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?. 13 blackberries and 5 apples

52io83

4

A man wanted me to engage in necrophilia... NSFW. I told him to drop dead

52inql

594

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.... If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

52inkq

7

The Nokia 3310 was ahead of its time.... Dust proof, water proof, had a nearly infinite battery life, indestructible, AND no audio jack!

52imtx

3

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?. Little Caesars

52imkx

9

A man walks into a bar. With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"

52imk2

0

What is the best pickup line for Rwandans?. "Congratulations! Your parents survived the genocide!"

52imb5

0

I usually don't eat asparagus.... Because it makes your pee taste funny

52im40

0

My dick is like the Boogeyman (NSFW). It scares children

52ily4

0

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?. Because it did not want to sink into the hot chocolate.

52ilpo

55

Nithe lookin horth.... A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earthz"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe earthz, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks Him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

52il78

0

I support Colin Kaepernick but I don't want to buy his jersey.... I'd rather have a #7 seat cushion instead. It would let you take a principled stand by sitting down *and* it would help keep the bench warm. Just like Colin Kaepernick.

52il56

0

What kind of gardening is done in the hood?. Weeding

52il3k

1

What do you call a boy with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean?. Bobby

52ijup

0

What's the best pokemon in pokemon go?. It's Victreebel if you go to a gym you will always get a victory with it.

52ijd7

0

Women are like locks and men are like keys. A key that can open many locks is a master key. A lock that can be opened by many keys is a shitty lock

52ij07

10

What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?. Jack off

52iirw

27

You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic?. There is no room for Jack

52ihi6

11

What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW?. A redneck's trigger actually does something

52igxp

4

Wrong Synonyms. It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidentally gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

52igr2

0

Jesus and his 12 disciples walk into a bar. Christ says to the barman "13 glasses of tap water please"

52ig3j

0

How do you get a fire started?. You burn some fagots Look up the definition before commenting/down voting...

52iek9

4

Give a man a fire,. and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Credit: Philip J. Fry

52ie93

5

I was on this plane once.. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"

52ie15

0

What's the similarity between a school shooter and a person who killed someone while praying in a church. They will both be called Mass Murderers

52idb7

598

The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.. Its like she's never seen a penis before.

52ica8

0

What do you call a steak that is a girl?. Miss.Steak

52ica9

37

I created a new word. Plagiarism *just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink*

52ibtn

4

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?. Dr. Pokemon.

52iauc

29

What is the only law that Hillary obeys?. The law of gravity

52i9x1

0

You can have the Johnson. Why would you want the left nut, or the right nut, when you can have the Johnson...?

52i930

0

Why are dad jokes harmless and mom jokes offensive?. I'll tell you when you're older

52i8t0

15

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees.. I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...

52i8of

0

People with Down's Syndrome have a 35 - 50% chance of passing on the genetic disorder to any offspring they have.. So if they reproduce are they... doubling downs?

52i761

6

I just got a really terrible circumcision. What a rip-off!

52i4xl

0

An old Russian goes ice fishing. One winter this old Russian man is ice fishing on the pond behind his shack. He feels his line tense and he quickly reels it in and finds that he's hooked a muddy lamp. As he's wiping the muck off, a genie pops out and tells him it'll grant him three wishes. "If this is so", replies the old Russian, "I will have cup of finest vodka in World" Poof! A mug of vodka appears before his eyes. He quickly grabs the cup and tosses it back. "Amazing! I wish this whole pond filled with finest vodka!" The genie snaps his fingers and bids the man to drink. The Russian scoops some up through the ice and finds that the pond has indeed turned into the most delicious vodka he's ever tasted. He spends the next several weeks drinking the pond dry. As he scoops the last drop up from the pond and glugs it down, the genie asks him what he will have for his final wish. The old man pauses for a moment, considering what he should ask for, before replying "I'll have another vodka"

52i1zj

57

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..

52i1op

0

A pregnant woman goes into a coma. A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later and asks: Woman: "Doctor, this feels like deja vu. Has this happened to me before?" Doctor: "Welcome to r/jokes!"

52i0p7

0

What did one cannibal say to the other when eating a clown?. "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

52i05e

430

Vegans who drink water disgust me.. That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

52hzyr

0

I'm sexually attracted to the homeless.. I'm hobosexual.

52hzr1

0

I run a successful sanitary business but my customers are entitled assholes.. I guess I shouldn't take so much shit from them.

52hz8w

5

Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist. Giving us proof of an "astonishingly excellent" asshole.

52hz1m

0

I asked a white girl at a bar to try suggesting career choices for me that she would take.. She told be to suck on a dick.

52hxre

0

What is Hillary Clinton's favorite pizza joint?. Little seizures!

52hxqr

0

My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison.. To this day he still isn’t a free mason.

52hx43

7

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?. None.

52hw7f

1

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.. He only had his shelf to blame.

52hvzu

1

Have you seen the new interview of John Cena?. Yeah me neither..........

52hv1x

1

One Liner: With everything that Hillary Clinton says, at least we know she's not Aes Sedai.. Because she lies.

52huyn

1

Did you hear about corduroy pillows???. They're making headlines!

52hu1v

0

My memory is flawless. But my ability to recall is not great

52hu1c

1

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the second story. He orders a drink called the magic potion, drinks it, and jumps out the window and flies away. The guy who was sitting next to him asks the bartender what drink he had. The bar tender tells him it was the magic potion. The guy orders one, drinks it, and jumps out the window and lands on the ground. The first guy comes back in and the bartender says to him: "Superman, you can be a real jerk sometimes."

52hsxt

128

I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out.... but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

52hpeu

8

What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?. There's never a line for the bathroom.

52hojl

25

I really needed something positive in my life. so I finally got tested.

52hodm

0

What does Plane + Pentagon equal?. Square

52ho3k

0

I paid full price for the PlayStation version of No Mans Sky. And I was completely satisfied with my decision after playing.

52hnx1

26,851

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months........ Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

52hnin

0

I was kicked out of the military. I was kicked out of the military for being a pussy... They gave me a vaginal discharge

52hnay

101

In between her legs. A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

52hlqs

0

What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11?. When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.

52hlog

7

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?. The wheelchair.

52hllj

11

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?. One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....

52hl95

0

Which is an elephant's favorite day?. 9/11 because it never forgets.

52hkpp

1

I went to a zoo the other day and all they had was a terrier.. It was a shih tzu.

52hklo

1

How did Cinderella's evil twin lose her slipper?. She came down with a case of pneumonia