Sasmitah/joke1 · Datasets at Hugging Face

id stringlengths 6 6	score int64 0 48.5k	title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k
52fxib	0	10 to live. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine, eight, seven...."
52fw5a	0	Donald Trump. That was the joke
52fw3c	95	What do you call a gay drive-by?. A fruit roll up.
52fv4g	4	You know that problem people have where they eat whatever is in front of them?. That's why I cant be a gynecologist.
52fusc	4	After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or. After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
52fu5y	14	Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.. as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin
52ftmx	4	A Saskatchewan Farmer Retires. A 65 year old Saskatchewan farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later a friend comes to visit. "What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks. "They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."
52ft67	15	I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit.. Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.
52frpf	0	Does a bear crap in the woods?. Does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?
52frn1	2	how do you disappoint a reddit user.... [removed]
52frk2	0	What are those. Lol
52frbo	4	A guy walks into a bar... I don't know what happens next. I was standing outside.
52fq3e	3	My friend, Andy has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that the Super Bowl game is the same day as his wedding - - so he can't go. If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Michael's Church. Her name is Donna and she will be the one in the white dress.
52fp5o	0	NYC subway is the only place.... Where you can get on the Number 1 train and watch some guy take a Number 2.
52fnx8	85	How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?. By taste.
52fmzw	77	Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
52fmr8	0	The sun said they were powerful, so did the moon. The sun replied, but I give you power Moon said I am full o your power.
52flih	0	What do you call an upside down blonde?. A brunette with bad breath.
52fkqi	68	Civil War Jokes you say?. I General Lee don't find them funny
52fjvq	31	The Nervous Priest. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the st out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
52figo	0	Wanna hear a joke. Donald Trump
52fhi7	4	I am a master of tearable puns. But only on paper
52fgtx	0	TIL if you repost a joke in this subreddit you can get a lot of Karma.. ELI5: What does a repost need to make it to front page?
52fgt1	5	Farting. Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
52fg9y	0	I surprised my wife by giving her a pearl necklace.. I tell ya, she's such an ingrate. Instead of thanking me, all she did was complain. "Uh that's so gross, do you know how hard that is to clean up?" Women, amirite?
52ff63	5	I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog!. It was a shit zu.
52feyl	6	Parrot with no legs (NSFW). My uncle told me this joke, when I was a kid: A suspicious husband who's working all day wants to spy on his wife. He decides to buy a parrot. There are 3 parrots to choose from at the local pet shop. The first one has perfect eye-sight but can't speak. The second one can speak two languages fluently but is blind. The third one is the total package, but he has no legs...he's standing on his dick. The husband buys the bird, shows it to his wife and puts it into the bedroom. After a long day at work, the husband is rushing into the bedroom to ask the parrot: "Anything happened while I was gone?" "Yeah, there was this guy..." "What?! What was he doing here?" "He was kissing your wife and slowly undressed her." "..." "Than he threw her on the bed, and kept kissing her." "I'm going to kill this guy! What happened then?" "She opened his pants..." "Go on!" "I don't know what happened after that..." "WHAT?! Why?" "I got stiff."
52fdw9	0	Sam and Dean from Supernatural are just like engineers. Every time they try to solve a problem, they create new ones
52fcnc	2	What is a Muslim's favorite type of meat?. Shalami! haha!
52fbxf	378	How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?. They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.
52fbrp	2	Let me tell you a joke about chocolate bars..... ....I'm sure you'll snicker.
52fbpb	419	A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
52fb9h	0	I asked my girlfriend to fly to Italy with me to get married and eat melon.. She told me "I cantaloupe".
52fb5q	1	What was Nazi Germany's favorite sea animal?. Adolfin.
52fb02	6	What did the bread say after its massage?. Ahh, I kneaded that.
52fapf	4	We're hosting a charity event for the people who struggle to reach orgasm.. If you can't come, do let me know.
52faoc	0	Difference between realistic and potential. A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.
52fa9e	21	Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight. The Galaxy Note 7
52fa1n	25	new iPhone 7. son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?
52f9z4	20	What does a bum call a dumpster.. A Bed and Breakfast.
52f9w1	1	Was is the epitome of machoness?. When a guy about to have a blowjob can't get up and say: Does this happen to you often?
52f9tm	0	My friend told me that he likes his steak well-done. We are no longer friends
52f93u	0	What do bears in Mexico eat?. The same shit as all the other bears. What? Were you expecting a pun?
52f8v4	1,076	Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
52f868	0	Doctor Octopus robbed a bank today.. He didn't have a gun, but he was well armed.
52f77w	0	what did homer Simpson say when he was mad. dough.....
52f672	19	What noise does a Russian Sheep make?. It Blyats.
52f5wy	9	What can fly but can't be given?. A fuck.
52f5mq	0	What did Stevie Wonder say when he tried marihuana?. "This shit is not tobacco."
52f5mo	2	What do people drive in the fall?. Autumn-mobiles.
52f50e	16	Gabe Newell should be the World President. He will prevent World War 3.
52f4zz	26	What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?. A knife.
52f4ts	220	Put the punchline in the title. How do you spoil a joke?
52f4fk	5	What do you call a promiscuous girl in special ed?. A tater thot
52f49i	4	A blonde is driving along the road one day and she passes an open field.. As she is driving by she sees another blonde out in the middle of the field in a row boat rowing frantically even though she is not in any water and is not making any progress. Furious at what she sees the blonde pulls over her car on the side of the road and gets out of the car. After observing the blonde rowing frantically and getting nowhere, she can't contain her rage any longer. "HEY!!" the blond screams at the other blonde in the rowboat. "IT'S STUPID BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE US SMART BLONDES LOOK BAD AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!"
52f3gk	0	Why was Rose sad about the new iPhone 7?. There was no jack
52f370	0	My favorite word is …. My favorite word is "world domination". It's two words now, but not when I'm done with if.
52f31p	3	I had another job interview today.. The interviewer said, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?” I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”
52f2zw	3	A Tech Support Story. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters" Customer: "But i only have capital letters on my keyboard"
52ezoj	66	How a phone recall works.. Samsung: Send us your exploding phone. Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that. Apple: You are using it wrong.
52ezge	2	I just met a girl with 12 nipples.... Sounds pretty freaky, dozen tit.
52ezfl	0	I was going to tell you a joke about sodium but.... Na.
52ez9p	13	I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races. I just love getting off to a good start
52ex56	0	Why don't counterfeiters need a college degree?. They already make a lot of money.
52ex1e	2	Wal-Mart supercenters are going to be getting dental clinics to go with their pharmacies and vision centers..... There will actually be two clinics in each store---one regular clinic and an express clinic for people with ten teeth or less.
52ewv7	47	Why was the 4 year old African kid crying?. He was having a mid-life crisis.
52euwm	0	The uniform tells all. Three boys attended a private elementary school run by priests. These boys always made sure to come to school prepared and in complete uniform, which they loved because of their amazing blue blazers, slick blue tie, and sweet black pants. During class, Father John would lecture and always use the chalkboard. This left the priest's hands covered in chalk and whenever a student needed assistance doing homework, he would leave a handprint on the blazer of the student after patting the student on the back for a job well done. Every kid could tell who had the most help as some students had more prints left over than others. The three boys liked to do weekly checks on their wardrobe to see who was struggling in order to help out that student. One day they all brought their uniforms over to the first boy's house. The first boy pulled out his blazer and there were two handprints on the back. The boys laughed at the first boy because he needed help. The second boy pulled out his uniform and he had five handprints on his back. The other boys starting laughing even harder at the second boy for all the help he needed. Finally the third boy pulled out his blazer and the other boys wet shocked in awe that no handprints were ever found. The third boy stood with his head held high so proud of his accomplishment. "Wow, im jealous," said the first boy, "and you even got new white pants too!"
52euoz	0	change the girl. If you can't change the girl , change the girl
52eu52	8	Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?. The "P" is silent
52etyd	79	A priest, a pedophile and a rapist. A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. Then he sits down
52etvx	151	My friends asked me what I liked about Switzerland. Well the flags a big plus.
52erw4	0	If a kiss is first base, and making love is a home run, what do you call a threesome?. Extra Innings!
52eq8v	0	Incest is alright. as long as it stays in the family
52eoxe	22	Why does ACDC prefer Android to Apple?. She's Got The Jack
52eogz	1	Is sex work?. If so, then I am unemployed.
52eo7j	0	My friends were always drunk in college. The punchline? Full, at every event.
52emrc	54	Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?. I'd rather spend that £2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.
52emmo	7	My girlfriend said I have crusty feet.. I blame my socks.
52em5z	22	Person 1: "Have you seen that new movie about the tractor?". Person 2: "No, but the trailer looks good."
52ely3	1	We are not talking over a radio!. This relationship is over! Me: This relationship is what? Over
52elim	0	What do you call two gay Irishmen?. Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick
52ekmo	0	He asked a genie to be able to create the best games ever but... .. now everyone he fucks becomes homosexual, a gay-maker.
52ekfj	6	Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?. She was let down by a weak Constitution.
52ejsz	0	"My dad died on 9/11, I'll never forget his last words.", says Ahmed. "What did he say?", John asks. "Allahu Akbar!"
52ejrw	0	If you're going to the sperm bank because you owe Paul money. You're rubbing peter to pay Paul.
52ejl5	0	Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls. Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.
52eisx	16	What's al Qaeda's favorite football team?. The New York Jets.
52ei60	112	Buddies. This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f**** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f* did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?" “Because he’s thinking of getting married..."
52ehb1	5	I've never been good when it comes to Greek mythology.. It truly is my Achille's elbow.
52egsa	277	A guy with a monkey walks into a bar.... A guy with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No one really pays him any attention. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder and heads over to a pool table. The monkey picks up the cue ball and then eats it. "You're going to have to pay for another cue ball," the bartender says. "Relax," the man says, "I will return with it in a few days." 3 days later, the man comes back with his monkey and hands the bartender the cue ball. He then sits down and orders a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder. It grabs a peanut, sticks it up its butt, and then eats it. "Why did he do that?" the bartender asks. The man replies, "He likes to measure things now beforehand."
52egjf	1	Control Dear Control. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
52egbx	0	Did you hear about the Cookie Monster went into the army?. He got sent to Viet-nomnomnomnomnom
52eg2f	0	If Donald trump and Hilary Clinton both go down on a ship who survives?. America that's a no brainer
52efrs	15	I was talking to my friend earlier.. I thought, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"
52efqb	202	What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?. Your Ears.
52efbn	0	Does it Serve You Right?. That short-sighted man was losing his way. Suddenly, he saw a crow perching on a rock in the distance and thought that was a person. He called it and asked the way several times but he didn't hear any answers at all. He came near and asked it again but it was afraid of him and flew off. The man said pleasantly: - I asked you the way but you were too merciless to show it to me. That's why your hat has been blown off by the wind. Does it serve you right?
52eemi	7	What do you call a bird that speaks Spanish?. A Si-gull
52ee5c	1	What did Crazy Eddie's widow say to the funeral director?. These prices are insaaaane
52ed20	10	A woman walks into a bar…. She sits down and orders a drink. "Just give me anything," she says. A female bartender, new on the job, notices the woman applying a thin layer of lipstick with trembling hands. "Are you… okay?" "What this? This ain't anything new." She pauses. "It's the crime. This town seems overrun by it. Every day there is a new bad guy and who do they call to straighten things out?" "The police?" asks the bartender innocently. "Try again." The patron takes out her phone and places it on an adjacent bar stool. Then she kicks off one of her stilettos and begins pecking at her smartphone with her big toe. The bewildered bartender whistles for her brother - owner and town local - to come check it out. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows into the bar revealing the patrons silky red cape. "What the… Is that a cape you're wearing?" the bartender asks with wide eyes. But the patron seemed too involved in her phone and trembling lipstick application to answer. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks. "Cali." Finally, the bartender's brother comes out from the kitchen. "Who is that?" she asks him pointing at Cali. He responds, "Who her? That's just Super Cali, Fragile Lipstick. Texting with her toe, sis."
52ed1e	22	With the iPhone 7 we have to charge the phone and the earphones, with the iphone 8 .... ... I think we'll also have to charge the charger.

52fxib

0

10 to live. Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine, eight, seven...."

52fw5a

0

Donald Trump. That was the joke

52fw3c

95

What do you call a gay drive-by?. A fruit roll up.

52fv4g

4

You know that problem people have where they eat whatever is in front of them?. That's why I cant be a gynecologist.

52fusc

4

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or. After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

52fu5y

14

Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.. as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

52ftmx

4

A Saskatchewan Farmer Retires. A 65 year old Saskatchewan farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later a friend comes to visit. "What do you think of the mountains?" his friend asks. "They are okay, but they sure obscure the view."

52ft67

15

I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit.. Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.

52frpf

0

Does a bear crap in the woods?. Does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of 200 deaf boys?

52frn1

2

how do you disappoint a reddit user.... [removed]

52frk2

0

What are those. Lol

52frbo

4

A guy walks into a bar... I don't know what happens next. I was standing outside.

52fq3e

3

My friend, Andy has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl.. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that the Super Bowl game is the same day as his wedding - - so he can't go. If you are interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Michael's Church. Her name is Donna and she will be the one in the white dress.

52fp5o

0

NYC subway is the only place.... Where you can get on the Number 1 train and watch some guy take a Number 2.

52fnx8

85

How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?. By taste.

52fmzw

77

Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

52fmr8

0

The sun said they were powerful, so did the moon. The sun replied, but I give you power Moon said I am full o your power.

52flih

0

What do you call an upside down blonde?. A brunette with bad breath.

52fkqi

68

Civil War Jokes you say?. I General Lee don't find them funny

52fjvq

31

The Nervous Priest. A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

52figo

0

Wanna hear a joke. Donald Trump

52fhi7

4

I am a master of tearable puns. But only on paper

52fgtx

0

TIL if you repost a joke in this subreddit you can get a lot of Karma.. ELI5: What does a repost need to make it to front page?

52fgt1

5

Farting. Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!

52fg9y

0

I surprised my wife by giving her a pearl necklace.. I tell ya, she's such an ingrate. Instead of thanking me, all she did was complain. "Uh that's so gross, do you know how hard that is to clean up?" Women, amirite?

52ff63

5

I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog!. It was a shit zu.

52feyl

6

Parrot with no legs (NSFW). My uncle told me this joke, when I was a kid: A suspicious husband who's working all day wants to spy on his wife. He decides to buy a parrot. There are 3 parrots to choose from at the local pet shop. The first one has perfect eye-sight but can't speak. The second one can speak two languages fluently but is blind. The third one is the total package, but he has no legs...he's standing on his dick. The husband buys the bird, shows it to his wife and puts it into the bedroom. After a long day at work, the husband is rushing into the bedroom to ask the parrot: "Anything happened while I was gone?" "Yeah, there was this guy..." "What?! What was he doing here?" "He was kissing your wife and slowly undressed her." "..." "Than he threw her on the bed, and kept kissing her." "I'm going to kill this guy! What happened then?" "She opened his pants..." "Go on!" "I don't know what happened after that..." "WHAT?! Why?" "I got stiff."

52fdw9

0

Sam and Dean from Supernatural are just like engineers. Every time they try to solve a problem, they create new ones

52fcnc

2

What is a Muslim's favorite type of meat?. Shalami! haha!

52fbxf

378

How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?. They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

52fbrp

2

Let me tell you a joke about chocolate bars..... ....I'm sure you'll snicker.

52fbpb

419

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”, he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!” Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

52fb9h

0

I asked my girlfriend to fly to Italy with me to get married and eat melon.. She told me "I cantaloupe".

52fb5q

1

What was Nazi Germany's favorite sea animal?. Adolfin.

52fb02

6

What did the bread say after its massage?. Ahh, I kneaded that.

52fapf

4

We're hosting a charity event for the people who struggle to reach orgasm.. If you can't come, do let me know.

52faoc

0

Difference between realistic and potential. A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

52fa9e

21

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight. The Galaxy Note 7

52fa1n

25

new iPhone 7. son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?

52f9z4

20

What does a bum call a dumpster.. A Bed and Breakfast.

52f9w1

1

Was is the epitome of machoness?. When a guy about to have a blowjob can't get up and say: Does this happen to you often?

52f9tm

0

My friend told me that he likes his steak well-done. We are no longer friends

52f93u

0

What do bears in Mexico eat?. The same shit as all the other bears. What? Were you expecting a pun?

52f8v4

1,076

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."

52f868

0

Doctor Octopus robbed a bank today.. He didn't have a gun, but he was well armed.

52f77w

0

what did homer Simpson say when he was mad. dough.....

52f672

19

What noise does a Russian Sheep make?. It Blyats.

52f5wy

9

What can fly but can't be given?. A fuck.

52f5mq

0

What did Stevie Wonder say when he tried marihuana?. "This shit is not tobacco."

52f5mo

2

What do people drive in the fall?. Autumn-mobiles.

52f50e

16

Gabe Newell should be the World President. He will prevent World War 3.

52f4zz

26

What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?. A knife.

52f4ts

220

Put the punchline in the title. How do you spoil a joke?

52f4fk

5

What do you call a promiscuous girl in special ed?. A tater thot

52f49i

4

A blonde is driving along the road one day and she passes an open field.. As she is driving by she sees another blonde out in the middle of the field in a row boat rowing frantically even though she is not in any water and is not making any progress. Furious at what she sees the blonde pulls over her car on the side of the road and gets out of the car. After observing the blonde rowing frantically and getting nowhere, she can't contain her rage any longer. "HEY!!" the blond screams at the other blonde in the rowboat. "IT'S STUPID BLONDES LIKE YOU THAT MAKE US SMART BLONDES LOOK BAD AND IF I COULD SWIM I WOULD COME OUT THERE AND KICK YOUR ASS!!"

52f3gk

0

Why was Rose sad about the new iPhone 7?. There was no jack

52f370

0

My favorite word is …. My favorite word is "world domination". It's two words now, but not when I'm done with if.

52f31p

3

I had another job interview today.. The interviewer said, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?” I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”

52f2zw

3

A Tech Support Story. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters" Customer: "But i only have capital letters on my keyboard"

52ezoj

66

How a phone recall works.. Samsung: Send us your exploding phone. Microsoft/Nokia: A software update will fix that. Apple: You are using it wrong.

52ezge

2

I just met a girl with 12 nipples.... Sounds pretty freaky, *dozen tit.*

52ezfl

0

I was going to tell you a joke about sodium but.... Na.

52ez9p

13

I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races. I just love getting off to a good start

52ex56

0

Why don't counterfeiters need a college degree?. They already make a lot of money.

52ex1e

2

Wal-Mart supercenters are going to be getting dental clinics to go with their pharmacies and vision centers..... There will actually be two clinics in each store---one regular clinic and an express clinic for people with ten teeth or less.

52ewv7

47

Why was the 4 year old African kid crying?. He was having a mid-life crisis.

52euwm

0

The uniform tells all. Three boys attended a private elementary school run by priests. These boys always made sure to come to school prepared and in complete uniform, which they loved because of their amazing blue blazers, slick blue tie, and sweet black pants. During class, Father John would lecture and always use the chalkboard. This left the priest's hands covered in chalk and whenever a student needed assistance doing homework, he would leave a handprint on the blazer of the student after patting the student on the back for a job well done. Every kid could tell who had the most help as some students had more prints left over than others. The three boys liked to do weekly checks on their wardrobe to see who was struggling in order to help out that student. One day they all brought their uniforms over to the first boy's house. The first boy pulled out his blazer and there were two handprints on the back. The boys laughed at the first boy because he needed help. The second boy pulled out his uniform and he had five handprints on his back. The other boys starting laughing even harder at the second boy for all the help he needed. Finally the third boy pulled out his blazer and the other boys wet shocked in awe that no handprints were ever found. The third boy stood with his head held high so proud of his accomplishment. "Wow, im jealous," said the first boy, "and you even got new white pants too!"

52euoz

0

change the girl. If you can't change the girl , change the girl

52eu52

8

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?. The "P" is silent

52etyd

79

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist. A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. Then he sits down

52etvx

151

My friends asked me what I liked about Switzerland. Well the flags a big plus.

52erw4

0

If a kiss is first base, and making love is a home run, what do you call a threesome?. Extra Innings!

52eq8v

0

Incest is alright. as long as it stays in the family

52eoxe

22

Why does ACDC prefer Android to Apple?. She's Got The Jack

52eogz

1

Is sex work?. If so, then I am unemployed.

52eo7j

0

My friends were always drunk in college. The punchline? Full, at every event.

52emrc

54

Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?. I'd rather spend that £2 on a condom to prevent a kid's life.

52emmo

7

My girlfriend said I have crusty feet.. I blame my socks.

52em5z

22

Person 1: "Have you seen that new movie about the tractor?". Person 2: "No, but the trailer looks good."

52ely3

1

We are not talking over a radio!. This relationship is over! Me: This relationship is what? Over

52elim

0

What do you call two gay Irishmen?. Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick

52ekmo

0

He asked a genie to be able to create the best games ever but... .. now everyone he fucks becomes homosexual, a gay-maker.

52ekfj

6

Why couldn't Hillary Clinton keep up her US presidential campaign?. She was let down by a weak Constitution.

52ejsz

0

"My dad died on 9/11, I'll never forget his last words.", says Ahmed. "What did he say?", John asks. "Allahu Akbar!"

52ejrw

0

If you're going to the sperm bank because you owe Paul money. You're rubbing peter to pay Paul.

52ejl5

0

Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls. Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.

52eisx

16

What's al Qaeda's favorite football team?. The New York Jets.

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112

Buddies. This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, and the dishes aren't done. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas?? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid idiot?" “Because he’s thinking of getting married..."

52ehb1

5

I've never been good when it comes to Greek mythology.. It truly is my Achille's elbow.

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277

A guy with a monkey walks into a bar.... A guy with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No one really pays him any attention. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder and heads over to a pool table. The monkey picks up the cue ball and then eats it. "You're going to have to pay for another cue ball," the bartender says. "Relax," the man says, "I will return with it in a few days." 3 days later, the man comes back with his monkey and hands the bartender the cue ball. He then sits down and orders a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder. It grabs a peanut, sticks it up its butt, and then eats it. "Why did he do that?" the bartender asks. The man replies, "He likes to measure things now beforehand."

52egjf

1

Control Dear Control. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

52egbx

0

Did you hear about the Cookie Monster went into the army?. He got sent to Viet-nomnomnomnomnom

52eg2f

0

If Donald trump and Hilary Clinton both go down on a ship who survives?. America that's a no brainer

52efrs

15

I was talking to my friend earlier.. I thought, "Why on earth are you called Earlier?"

52efqb

202

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?. Your Ears.

52efbn

0

Does it Serve You Right?. That short-sighted man was losing his way. Suddenly, he saw a crow perching on a rock in the distance and thought that was a person. He called it and asked the way several times but he didn't hear any answers at all. He came near and asked it again but it was afraid of him and flew off. The man said pleasantly: - I asked you the way but you were too merciless to show it to me. That's why your hat has been blown off by the wind. Does it serve you right?

52eemi

7

What do you call a bird that speaks Spanish?. A Si-gull

52ee5c

1

What did Crazy Eddie's widow say to the funeral director?. These prices are insaaaane

52ed20

10

A woman walks into a bar…. She sits down and orders a drink. "Just give me anything," she says. A female bartender, new on the job, notices the woman applying a thin layer of lipstick with trembling hands. "Are you… okay?" "What this? This ain't anything new." She pauses. "It's the crime. This town seems overrun by it. Every day there is a new bad guy and who do they call to straighten things out?" "The police?" asks the bartender innocently. "Try again." The patron takes out her phone and places it on an adjacent bar stool. Then she kicks off one of her stilettos and begins pecking at her smartphone with her big toe. The bewildered bartender whistles for her brother - owner and town local - to come check it out. Suddenly, a gust of wind blows into the bar revealing the patrons silky red cape. "What the… Is that a cape you're wearing?" the bartender asks with wide eyes. But the patron seemed too involved in her phone and trembling lipstick application to answer. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asks. "Cali." Finally, the bartender's brother comes out from the kitchen. "Who is that?" she asks him pointing at Cali. He responds, "Who her? That's just Super Cali, Fragile Lipstick. Texting with her toe, sis."

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22

With the iPhone 7 we have to charge the phone and the earphones, with the iphone 8 .... ... I think we'll also have to charge the charger.