Sasmitah/joke1 · Datasets at Hugging Face

id stringlengths 6 6	score int64 0 48.5k	title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k
52ecnb	3	I love hillary Clinton so much.. It makes me weak at the knees.
52ebit	843	I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.. He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!" "Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too." He said, "Really?" I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."
52ebca	2	What happened to the guy who couldn't keep his pants up?. He won the No-belt Prize! Thank you! I'll show myself out.
52eakr	30	I got a papercut writing my suicide note.. It's a start. -Steven Wright
52e8oo	203	Donald and Hillary go into a bakery ... Donald and Hillary go Into a Bakery on the Campaign Trail As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries? Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...
52e7ll	1	I hate it when people make eye puns.... It really makes me lash out sometimes
52e61q	2	What do you call a one legged female pirate?. ARRRRlene...
52e5ye	0	Why is six afraid of seven?. Because it is a Note.
52e5ya	374	How do you get a fool to read something?. Mark it as NSFW
52e5d3	430	What's Hillary's favorite pizza place?. Little Seizures Edit: credit to Joe Biggs @rambobiggs
52e59u	20,724	A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is. A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.
52e4je	0	A guy goes to a carnival.... A young guy goes to a carnival. He is around 17, so he's a bit "frisky". So he goes looking around for a sword swallower. He finds the clowns. "Nope not for me." He says. He then finds the magicians and says the same thing. When he finally finds the sword swallowers, he looks for a nice female one. He says, "I got a sword for you to swallow," and winks. She then says, "Me too"
52e46q	1	What do you get if you combine your mom and a giraffe?. A fat giraffe
52e29s	2	Blonde Jokes. I could have been a karma whore and posted these one by one but here is a very long list of good blonde jokes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!" -------- Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money... --------- A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World." --------- Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ??? ------ A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' ------ A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' ------ There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' ------ A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' ------ A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' ------ A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' ------ A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' ------ A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'
52e0sr	0	I found my dad in the garden slumped over the lawnmower in tears.... Mom says he's going through a rough patch...
52e0nr	464	A sad, depressed guy is walking along the beach.... Suddenly he hears a booming voice from above, and it yells, "DIG!" Confused, the man stops and he hears the voice again, this time louder. "DIG!" So he immediately falls to his knees and starts digging in the sand. Suddenly he hits something solid. A buried chest. "OPEN!" Yells the booming voice. So the man opens the chest to find hundreds of thousands of dollars inside. "CASINO!" Booms the voice. So the man runs off the beach, flags down a cab and tells the driver to head to the nearest casino. After 20 minutes the cab arrives. "ENTER!" Booms the voice. The man enters the casino. "ROULETTE!" So the man heads straight to the roulette table and awaits further instruction. "RED 21!" The man then puts the entire contents of the chest on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel and the result is black 4. The booming voice yells "FUCK!"
52dzzy	0	Who invented a Blow Job?. Mermaids.
52dzt3	1	I used to be addicted to the Hokie Pokie. but I've turned myself around. and that's what it's all about.
52dzrp	4	Apparently, 1/3 friends physically abuse others. Its not me or lenny for sure. So I beat the shit out of james just in case.
52dzi0	0	What's a cat's favorite day of the week?. Caturday. Furiday is a close second. EDIT: BRING THE DOWNVOTES
52dz9o	0	Someone called me racist for saying the 'n' word.... I am not racist! There is a black guy in my family tree, he's still hanging there...
52dz8h	0	Whoever said white people can't jump. Has never seen 9/11 footage
52dymg	0	I got stung by a bee yesterday...... Charged me £8.00 for a jar of honey...
52dx89	1	A blonde hears a guy telling blond jokes.... She says "i'm blond, and that's very insulting." Guy says, "alright, I'll repeat it slowly."
52dveq	11	If you're cold, just stand in a corner.... They're usually 90 degrees.
52duzl	1	Working at home sucks. Paul, firefighter
52dt8i	0	I just realized, yesterday was 9/11.... Well, I always forget.
52dson	8	War does not determine who is right.... ...only who is left.
52dqnn	3,122	A dead duck. A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
52dq0k	4	What did the math teacher tree say to the music teacher tree?. Nice log rhythms
52dpqf	116	I farted in my wallet. now i have gas money.
52docn	7	What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?. Not much. It just gave a little whine.
52dnq4	3	My date asked me if I smoked after sex.. I told her "I dunno, I've never checked."
52dneu	2	What's for dinner?. A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. No quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do " said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself " I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dinning room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks " Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response so. He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Honey, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
52dmtx	4	I think my grandmother has been spying on me in my bedroom.. She told me I have a lot of spunk!
52dmlg	5	A pickup poem. RAMBUTANS ARE HAIRY DURIANS ARE THORNY LOOKING AT YOU MAKES ME REALLY HORNY
52dmex	1	Man goes into a store to buy a guard dog.... The owner shows him 4 dogs. He tells him that the first dog costs 100 dollars and it will bark when it catches a criminal. The second dog costs 200 dollars and it will bark and hold the criminal down. The third one costs 400 dollars and it will bark, grab the criminal and put him in jail. "What about the last one?", said the customer. "The last one costs 800 dollars", said the owner. "Huh? But why?", said the customer. "Because the other dogs call him 'Sir'!" (again the joke loses some of its sense caz it was translated from arabic, other than that, sorry for slightly bad grammar :D)
52dm9u	6	I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.. He fell off one of the watchtowers
52dlva	0	Why don't snakes have legs?. Because otherwise they'd be lizards.
52dlk5	4	What's the difference between being hungry and horny?. Where you put the cucumber in
52dl3o	1	Way down upon the Mississippi.... Two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?” The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”
52diw0	2	Is the world manichean or relativist ?. I'd say it's a little bit of both.
52dili	8	What's the weather like in Iraq ?. Sunni in the North Shiite in the South.
52dh3s	45	I saw a tranny in a miniskirt the other day. I thought, that shows a lot of balls
52dgpy	18	Music is like candy. Just throw out the wrappers.
52dfnp	0	I heard the chief of police on the news saying "we will never forget 9 11". I should bloody hope so its your phone number
52dfl1	15	THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911... AND 9/11
52ddmz	0	What do you call a Jewish Ginger?. Gingerbread. Edit: Here comes the downvote brigade, haha!
52ddm6	0	A prisoner was half way through his ten to twelve stretch when he was beaten and fell into a comma. , which helped him finish his sentence.
52dcvu	1	Money And Friends. "Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more" "And the other half ?" "They don't know yet that has lost it"
52dcs8	24	I tried to eat a clock once.... But it was very time consuming
52dbdc	36	What did the reverend say before eating his salad?. Lettuce Pray.
52daxg	219	Great Mystery. Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?" Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?" Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".
52datj	0	how much does it take for two octopi to laugh?. 16 tickles because not asking for insurance is insane in the US, sorry to go out on a limb...
52d9ja	2	What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?. Legs.
52d9j7	4	What's the difference between a grenade and the Samsung Note 7?. You gotta pull the pins on grenades, but push the charging pins in a Note 7.
52d9iy	3	What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano?. You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!
52d6sn	1,563	A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.. Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.
52d4ab	24	What's the boob of a nun called?. Sanctity.
52d2vy	2	What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?. The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.
52d2r8	2	Am I a schizophrenic.... ...or is it just me?
52d23n	12	Dirty Old Man. An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
52d20l	32	The smartest dog. One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter. The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me." The second woman replies, "I know.." The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?" The second woman says, "My dog told me."
52d0vs	3	Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.
52d0si	31	Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?. Because it has two shifts.
52d047	0	9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day. The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff.
52d042	110	Wrong email address.. A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.
52czm5	38	An old bosnian joke my dad told me.. Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of control, crosses 3 lanes of traffic, hits a car, and crashes into a light pole the tourist then says: "i'm so sorry! i didn't think gently tapping you on the shoulder would cause you to lose control like that! You probably get robbed pretty often in your city." Haso says: "Oh, go fuck yourself ! Today is my first day of work as a taxi driver. The last 20 years I drove a hearse."
52cyxy	1	My ex-girlfriends always come back to me.. To fix problems that their boyfriends can't fix.
52cy5s	0	Why didn't Rose get an iPhone 7?. She never let go, Jack.
52cy5p	33	IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”. “That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife and asked: “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?
52cxnd	9	Why did the porn star end up in the E.R.?. One too many blows to the head. My only original joke. I'll see myself out.
52cx8g	5,368	My dad was always drunk when I was a kid. The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me
52cx4k	0	I know why iPhone decided to nix the headphone jack.. They don't know shit
52cx1d	5	I like my coffee like I like my women.. Strong and Bitter
52cwf7	15	Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?. The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.
52ctk7	5	Why did the farmer's bucket keep singing songs?. Because it was haulin' oats.
52ctg8	12	The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet.... They called the whole thing fabricated.
52ct7a	6	The teacher asks little Johnny to tell the class what he thinks sex is. Little Johnny was getting to that age, so in class the teacher wanted to know how much each student knew about sex. For that, she asked everyone to explain sex as they understood it. First, little Mary explained it with the classic Birds and the Bees speech. "Good job, Mary", said the teacher. Not to be outdone, little Johnny said he also knew a story to explain sex. "Go ahead", said the teacher, a little wary. "A long time ago, the Lone Ranger was chasing a band of robbers that had terrified a couple of towns for months. They were such a big problem that the towns banded together and offered a reward of pure gold to whoever could catch them. The Lone Ranger heard about this, and after a long chase and a hard-fought battle, he managed to capture the band. The townspeople gave him the gold in thanks. Thinking to treat himself a little, the Lone Ranger decided to give the gold to a blacksmith so he could melt it and make him spurs and a ranger badge. But the blacksmith was a bad guy, so he made the spurs and badge out of copper, painted them, and kept the gold for himself. When the Lone Ranger came to pick them up, he didn't check them much so he happily rode off with the copper spurs." "And that, Miss, is sex". Thoroughly confused by now, the teacher asked him: "Little Johnny, how is that sex?" "Well, the Lone Ranger really got fucked didn't he?"
52ct62	3	What do you call a prude's bra?. Fort knockers!
52csnj	2	What did the grocery clerk say when he bumped his head when he was in the freezer?. Nothing, he was knocked out cold.
52crte	0	A B C D E F G H I J K M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Notice anything? No? Cause you took the L What has it come to for me to use stale memes, kill me now
52crke	0	Why do Americans suck at Dota 2?. Because they are bad at defending tower!
52crh6	0	The revolution will not be televised.. It will be streaming on netflix this summer
52cpq7	5	did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop. It shut down by a d-dos
52cp3r	9	Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?. Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.
52co6c	2	Did you hear Kim Jong Un banned sarcasm?. Woops, thought this was r/News
52cmj8	689	A frog walks into a bank.... ...and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
52cmf5	3	Massive fall on Wall St today.... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting.
52cl6v	0	How do I invest in the Umbrella Corporation?. Because either Project Hillary or Project Donald will become a success.
52ckz9	0	If you ever get lost in the car, turn the AC down.. Its easy to get around with a low-cool.
52ckir	5	Man, I really hate all these low level Pokemon.... They're always breaking my balls.
52ckeb	1,572	A pregnant woman goes into a coma. A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them". She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?" The doctor says "He named the girl Denise" And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name" What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "De nephew."
52ck11	8	What do you call the boyfriend of a beheaded prositute?. The headless whore's man
52cis9	3	Forget it :P. The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
52ciql	1	I went to an 'Army Style training day'.... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate.
52cipw	0	How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?. You weren't there, man!
52cihl	2	I heard.... ...terrorists are shouting "allahu akbar!" just out of habit while plugging their Samsung phones.
52cicc	0	Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? 9/11, I thought you said you'd never forget?
52ci3u	22	A Family Walks Into A Hotel.... The Father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled" The man at the desk replies "no, it's just regular porn you sick cunt"

52ecnb

3

I love hillary Clinton so much.. It makes me weak at the knees.

52ebit

843

I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.. He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!" "Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too." He said, "Really?" I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."

52ebca

2

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep his pants up?. He won the No-belt Prize! Thank you! I'll show myself out.

52eakr

30

I got a papercut writing my suicide note.. It's a start. -Steven Wright

52e8oo

203

Donald and Hillary go into a bakery ... Donald and Hillary go Into a Bakery on the Campaign Trail As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries? Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

52e7ll

1

I hate it when people make eye puns.... It really makes me *lash* out sometimes

52e61q

2

What do you call a one legged female pirate?. ARRRRlene...

52e5ye

0

Why is six afraid of seven?. Because it is a Note.

52e5ya

374

How do you get a fool to read something?. Mark it as NSFW

52e5d3

430

What's Hillary's favorite pizza place?. Little Seizures Edit: credit to Joe Biggs @rambobiggs

52e59u

20,724

A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is. A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

52e4je

0

A guy goes to a carnival.... A young guy goes to a carnival. He is around 17, so he's a bit "frisky". So he goes looking around for a sword swallower. He finds the clowns. "Nope not for me." He says. He then finds the magicians and says the same thing. When he finally finds the sword swallowers, he looks for a nice female one. He says, "I got a sword for you to swallow," and winks. She then says, "Me too"

52e46q

1

What do you get if you combine your mom and a giraffe?. A fat giraffe

52e29s

2

Blonde Jokes. I could have been a karma whore and posted these one by one but here is a very long list of good blonde jokes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!" -------- Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money... --------- A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World." --------- Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooo, can you see Florida ??? ------ A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?' ------ A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!' ------ There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.' ------ A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.' ------ A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!' ------ A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!' ------ A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?' ------ A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'

52e0sr

0

I found my dad in the garden slumped over the lawnmower in tears.... Mom says he's going through a rough patch...

52e0nr

464

A sad, depressed guy is walking along the beach.... Suddenly he hears a booming voice from above, and it yells, "**DIG**!" Confused, the man stops and he hears the voice again, this time louder. "**DIG**!" So he immediately falls to his knees and starts digging in the sand. Suddenly he hits something solid. A buried chest. "**OPEN**!" Yells the booming voice. So the man opens the chest to find hundreds of thousands of dollars inside. "**CASINO**!" Booms the voice. So the man runs off the beach, flags down a cab and tells the driver to head to the nearest casino. After 20 minutes the cab arrives. "**ENTER**!" Booms the voice. The man enters the casino. "**ROULETTE**!" So the man heads straight to the roulette table and awaits further instruction. "**RED 21**!" The man then puts the entire contents of the chest on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel and the result is black 4. The booming voice yells "**FUCK**!"

52dzzy

0

Who invented a Blow Job?. Mermaids.

52dzt3

1

I used to be addicted to the Hokie Pokie. but I've turned myself around. and that's what it's all about.

52dzrp

4

Apparently, 1/3 friends physically abuse others. Its not me or lenny for sure. So I beat the shit out of james just in case.

52dzi0

0

What's a cat's favorite day of the week?. Caturday. Furiday is a close second. EDIT: BRING THE DOWNVOTES

52dz9o

0

Someone called me racist for saying the 'n' word.... I am **not** racist! There is a black guy in my family tree, he's still hanging there...

52dz8h

0

Whoever said white people can't jump. Has never seen 9/11 footage

52dymg

0

I got stung by a bee yesterday...... Charged me £8.00 for a jar of honey...

52dx89

1

A blonde hears a guy telling blond jokes.... She says "i'm blond, and that's very insulting." Guy says, "alright, I'll repeat it slowly."

52dveq

11

If you're cold, just stand in a corner.... They're usually 90 degrees.

52duzl

1

Working at home sucks. Paul, firefighter

52dt8i

0

I just realized, yesterday was 9/11.... Well, I always forget.

52dson

8

War does not determine who is right.... ...only who is left.

52dqnn

3,122

A dead duck. A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

52dq0k

4

What did the math teacher tree say to the music teacher tree?. Nice log rhythms

52dpqf

116

I farted in my wallet. now i have gas money.

52docn

7

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?. Not much. It just gave a little whine.

52dnq4

3

My date asked me if I smoked after sex.. I told her "I dunno, I've never checked."

52dneu

2

What's for dinner?. A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. No quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do " said the doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself " I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens". Then in a normal tone he asks "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dinning room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks " Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response so. He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Honey, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"

52dmtx

4

I think my grandmother has been spying on me in my bedroom.. She told me I have a lot of spunk!

52dmlg

5

A pickup poem. RAMBUTANS ARE HAIRY DURIANS ARE THORNY LOOKING AT YOU MAKES ME REALLY HORNY

52dmex

1

Man goes into a store to buy a guard dog.... The owner shows him 4 dogs. He tells him that the first dog costs 100 dollars and it will bark when it catches a criminal. The second dog costs 200 dollars and it will bark and hold the criminal down. The third one costs 400 dollars and it will bark, grab the criminal and put him in jail. "What about the last one?", said the customer. "The last one costs 800 dollars", said the owner. "Huh? But why?", said the customer. "Because the other dogs call him 'Sir'!" (again the joke loses some of its sense caz it was translated from arabic, other than that, sorry for slightly bad grammar :D)

52dm9u

6

I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.. He fell off one of the watchtowers

52dlva

0

Why don't snakes have legs?. Because otherwise they'd be lizards.

52dlk5

4

What's the difference between being hungry and horny?. Where you put the cucumber in

52dl3o

1

Way down upon the Mississippi.... Two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?” The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”

52diw0

2

Is the world manichean or relativist ?. I'd say it's a little bit of both.

52dili

8

What's the weather like in Iraq ?. Sunni in the North Shiite in the South.

52dh3s

45

I saw a tranny in a miniskirt the other day. I thought, that shows a lot of balls

52dgpy

18

Music is like candy. Just throw out the wrappers.

52dfnp

0

I heard the chief of police on the news saying "we will never forget 9 11". I should bloody hope so its your phone number

52dfl1

15

THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911... AND 9/11

52ddmz

0

What do you call a Jewish Ginger?. Gingerbread. Edit: Here comes the downvote brigade, haha!

52ddm6

0

A prisoner was half way through his ten to twelve stretch when he was beaten and fell into a comma. , which helped him finish his sentence.

52dcvu

1

Money And Friends. "Since he lost his money, half his friends don't know him any more" "And the other half ?" "They don't know yet that has lost it"

52dcs8

24

I tried to eat a clock once.... But it was very time consuming

52dbdc

36

What did the reverend say before eating his salad?. Lettuce Pray.

52daxg

219

Great Mystery. Newsboy : "Great mystery! Fifty victims! Paper, mister ?" Passerby : "Here boy, I'll take one" (After reading a moment) "Say, boy, there's nothing of the kind in this paper. Where is it ?" Newsboy : "That's the mystery, sir. You're the fifty first victim".

52datj

0

how much does it take for two octopi to laugh?. 16 tickles because not asking for insurance is insane in the US, sorry to go out on a limb...

52d9ja

2

What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics?. Legs.

52d9j7

4

What's the difference between a grenade and the Samsung Note 7?. You gotta pull the pins on grenades, but push the charging pins in a Note 7.

52d9iy

3

What's the difference between tuna, glue and a piano?. You can tuna piano but you can't piano tuna!

52d6sn

1,563

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex.. Unfortunately the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

52d4ab

24

What's the boob of a nun called?. Sanctity.

52d2vy

2

What's the difference between sandpaper and a baby?. The sandpaper doesn't scream when I rub it's face on wood.

52d2r8

2

Am I a schizophrenic.... ...or is it just me?

52d23n

12

Dirty Old Man. An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

52d20l

32

The smartest dog. One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter. The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me." The second woman replies, "I know.." The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?" The second woman says, "My dog told me."

52d0vs

3

Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

52d0si

31

Why couldn't the laptop go to sleep?. Because it has two shifts.

52d047

0

9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day. The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff.

52d042

110

Wrong email address.. A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, *Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.* *P.S. Sure is hot down here.*

52czm5

38

An old bosnian joke my dad told me.. Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of control, crosses 3 lanes of traffic, hits a car, and crashes into a light pole the tourist then says: "i'm so sorry! i didn't think gently tapping you on the shoulder would cause you to lose control like that! You probably get robbed pretty often in your city." Haso says: "Oh, go fuck yourself ! Today is my first day of work as a taxi driver. The last 20 years I drove a hearse."

52cyxy

1

My ex-girlfriends always come back to me.. To fix problems that their boyfriends can't fix.

52cy5s

0

Why didn't Rose get an iPhone 7?. She never let go, Jack.

52cy5p

33

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY. Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”. “That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” Then he turned to his wife and asked: “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

52cxnd

9

Why did the porn star end up in the E.R.?. One too many blows to the head. My only original joke. I'll see myself out.

52cx8g

5,368

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid. The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me

52cx4k

0

I know why iPhone decided to nix the headphone jack.. They don't know shit

52cx1d

5

I like my coffee like I like my women.. Strong and Bitter

52cwf7

15

Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines?. The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way.

52ctk7

5

Why did the farmer's bucket keep singing songs?. Because it was haulin' oats.

52ctg8

12

The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet.... They called the whole thing fabricated.

52ct7a

6

The teacher asks little Johnny to tell the class what he thinks sex is. Little Johnny was getting to that age, so in class the teacher wanted to know how much each student knew about sex. For that, she asked everyone to explain sex as they understood it. First, little Mary explained it with the classic Birds and the Bees speech. "Good job, Mary", said the teacher. Not to be outdone, little Johnny said he also knew a story to explain sex. "Go ahead", said the teacher, a little wary. "A long time ago, the Lone Ranger was chasing a band of robbers that had terrified a couple of towns for months. They were such a big problem that the towns banded together and offered a reward of pure gold to whoever could catch them. The Lone Ranger heard about this, and after a long chase and a hard-fought battle, he managed to capture the band. The townspeople gave him the gold in thanks. Thinking to treat himself a little, the Lone Ranger decided to give the gold to a blacksmith so he could melt it and make him spurs and a ranger badge. But the blacksmith was a bad guy, so he made the spurs and badge out of copper, painted them, and kept the gold for himself. When the Lone Ranger came to pick them up, he didn't check them much so he happily rode off with the copper spurs." "And that, Miss, is sex". Thoroughly confused by now, the teacher asked him: "Little Johnny, how is that sex?" "Well, the Lone Ranger really got fucked didn't he?"

52ct62

3

What do you call a prude's bra?. Fort knockers!

52csnj

2

What did the grocery clerk say when he bumped his head when he was in the freezer?. Nothing, he was knocked out *cold*.

52crte

0

A B C D E F G H I J K M N Ñ O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. Notice anything? No? Cause you took the L What has it come to for me to use stale memes, kill me now

52crke

0

Why do Americans suck at Dota 2?. Because they are bad at defending tower!

52crh6

0

The revolution will not be televised.. It will be streaming on netflix this summer

52cpq7

5

did you hear about what happened to Nike online shop. It shut down by a d-dos

52cp3r

9

Why was Heisenberg's wife unhappy?. Whenever he had the energy, he didn't have the time.

52co6c

2

Did you hear Kim Jong Un banned sarcasm?. Woops, thought this was r/News

52cmj8

689

A frog walks into a bank.... ...and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

52cmf5

3

Massive fall on Wall St today.... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting.

52cl6v

0

How do I invest in the Umbrella Corporation?. Because either Project Hillary or Project Donald will become a success.

52ckz9

0

If you ever get lost in the car, turn the AC down.. Its easy to get around with a low-cool.

52ckir

5

Man, I really hate all these low level Pokemon.... They're always breaking my balls.

52ckeb

1,572

A pregnant woman goes into a coma. A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl. When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children. The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?" "Fine" says the doctor, "your brother named them". She thinks to herself, "Oh no!" "My brother's an idiot" and she asks the doctor "What did he name them?" The doctor says "He named the girl Denise" And she thinks, “Well, maybe I misjudged my brother... Denise isn't such a bad name" What did he name the boy?" Replies the doctor "De nephew."

52ck11

8

What do you call the boyfriend of a beheaded prositute?. The headless whore's man

52cis9

3

Forget it :P. The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."

52ciql

1

I went to an 'Army Style training day'.... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate.

52cipw

0

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?. You weren't there, man!

52cihl

2

I heard.... ...terrorists are shouting "allahu akbar!" just out of habit while plugging their Samsung phones.

52cicc

0

Knock Knock. Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? 9/11, I thought you said you'd never forget?

52ci3u

22

A Family Walks Into A Hotel.... The Father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled" The man at the desk replies "no, it's just regular porn you sick cunt"