Sasmitah/joke1 · Datasets at Hugging Face

id stringlengths 6 6	score int64 0 48.5k	title+body stringlengths 16 37.8k
52ches	4	Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head?. So he could badly go where no man has gone before.
52cgxs	2	I have a serious problem where I keep letting go of things when I hold them. It's really getting out of hand.
52cgpz	0	My ex talked me into marriage. I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife
52cgks	4	I've been stung. Screamed the woman as she ran into the pro shop. "Where were you stung?" asked the concerned pro. "Between the first and the second hole" gasped the woman breathlessly. "Well" said the pro "then your stance may be a little too wide."
52cgfw	0	Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?. He had an anyarrysm.
52cfo6	1	Did you hear about the arm that tells jokes?. They're actually quite humerus
52cf74	61	3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with.What do they do?. They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
52cezz	4	I think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast.. They keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance.
52cczb	0	Why did you hit your little sister?. Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!
52cctl	0	Anniversary. "Knock* Knock*" :Who's there? "9/11" :9/11 who? "You said you'd never forget!"
52cblh	0	A knight goes to a blacksmith shop. to get his armor repaired after a battle. The blacksmith asks "What dy'a need, sir?" "I have a nasty chink in my armor." The blacksmith says "Well, ye' better get him out."
52c8ob	0	" Could the cereal your children eat every morning be killing them? Tonite at 11 on abcnews56 we will tell you". " After several studies , no. "
52c8ms	5	Why is it illegal to commit suicide?. You aren't allowed to damage the government's property.
52c8mj	41	What is crucial to any joke about ISIS?. The execution
52c70a	3	Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?. Well, he's back in town and wants your number
52c6z2	5	Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?. To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.
52c6i2	0	Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking???. He was in possession of all the "COOKIES"
52c5ng	166	A blonde and a redhead watch the news.... A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on." Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump twice in a row!"
52c5eu	0	Dude I'm Colin Kapernick and I'm black.. Dude you're not even brown. You look like Matthew Perry. -Harold and Kumar
52c4xs	0	What did the tiger say to the leopard at the poker game?. You better not be a cheetah
52c4n5	0	My brave uncle died on September 11, 2001. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia
52c43f	182	Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives them one hint: "It's what your mother calls me" The boy yells: "It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!"
52c35a	3	What is Jim Morrison's favorite time?. Five to one.
52c2zl	34	How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?. Tenants.
52c2ub	16	They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared.. It was a naan issue.
52c0xx	35	What do you call a bull masturbating?. Beef stroganoff
52byyu	9	The Online Biology Class. I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are. Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer.
52bv87	6	when fruit talks. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
52btzb	1	Hillary Clinton is sick according to doctors.... I pneu it all along.
52btva	6	I have somewhere around 300 karma. I intend to drop it to 0 by having human-like opinions on the wrong subreddits
52btlx	1	How does Tony Abbott connect to FaceTime. He looks at a clock
52bssg	8	My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck.... Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks. (co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm)
52bsmp	7	A blind man walks into a bar. and a table and a chair
52brxd	2	What did Clinton tell the FBI?. "I did not have classified relations with that server!"
52brlg	2	I know where you live. In a house
52brfs	1	Finders, Keepers. I saw this cool mine selling shop in Iraq.
52bqrx	0	The real reason Hillary Clinton stumbled. A tiny plane flew into her.
52bo54	0	Hillary Clinton collapsed at the 9/11 memorial today. Showing that she truly did not forget.
52bmlk	1	There was a massive fight in the chip shop yesterday!. A fish got battered.
52blui	0	Why did Patrick's girlfriend have to go to the doctor?. She had a weast infection.
52bkwv	0	And they say jet fuel can't melt steel beams.... When Hillary will collapse from too much hot sauce
52bkn0	7	Yerr a unit of power Harry!. Im a watt?
52bhs3	0	I just got a Sleep Number mattress, and it turns out my sleep number is 911.. Because a night in my bed, you'll never forget.
52bh62	2	I met this lovely girl who's an amputee; lost her arms...She's a joy to be around, but.... I just can't ask for her hand in marriage
52bh4f	0	What was the last pizza order at the Twin Towers?. Two large plains.
52bh1r	6	Jehovah's Witnesses are like testicles. They come in pairs, one is always bigger than the other, they keep knocking on the door but never get in, and if they do, shits about to get freaky.
52bgy0	29	One time in medieval England .... One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered. But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them. Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they planted. A large group stormed the castle, demanding the Lord end the ban, but he refused, and they killed him. This marked the only time in history that a reign was called because of the game.
52bfgc	664	I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language.... ...entirely out of tattoos.
52bf24	0	I wanted to tell a joke about mazes.. But the mods took it down because it was too corny...
52bf06	0	Why was the fish swimming alone?. Because he left the school.
52ben6	2	Cows really don't like those big, round bales of hay.. They can't get a square meal.
52bd8t	0	What do you call LeVar Burton that survived months of being lost in the wilderness?. Geordi La Forage
52bd2f	8	Why don't atheists use exponents?. Because they don't believe in higher powers.
52bcpk	1	Did you guys hear the joke about the stunt man's flame?. It was retarded
52bcmh	1	How do Muslims laugh?. Muahahahamed Note: I don't have any prejudices against Islamic people.
52bbsq	322	A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat.... He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”
52bbrw	3	Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry. The steaks have never been higher
52bbrp	2	Why is the US terrible at league of legends?. Because they can't protect their towers.
52bbkg	0	Seattle Seahawks labeled Bud Light cans have the lowest sales compared to any other team.. Most of their fans aren't old enough to buy beer yet.
52baf5	48	Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.
52ba84	2	What's the most original subreddit ever?. /r/Jokes
52b93u	1	Why is Jay Cutler gay?. Because of all the sacks he takes.
52b8z0	2	A alcoholic man named Edward L. Trickle. was at an AA meeting. They ask him to stand up and introduce himself. "Hello, I'm Edward Lek, and I am an alcoholic." After a few minutes of chat with the group, he removes a bottle of gin with a red N on it from his bag. They all gasp and ask what he's doing with it. He pours it down his ear while the whole group watches in awe. "This is my way of drinking." He says. After a few more minutes, the whole room's lightbulbs go dark. Edward gets up and fiddles with the circut breaker. The AA leader pulls him away and asks what he's doing. "I can fix this, I am an E. Lek Trickle N Gin Ear."
52b8nn	1	Why did so many people fail to escape the Titanic?. They were told "water under the bridge".
52b8ig	420	You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?. I'm voting for the dying one.
52b836	15	My boss asked me which Game of Thrones house he'd best be placed in.... I told him House Lannister because it only takes one hand to go fuck yourself.
52b5sc	0	Chuck Norris has his legs blown apart after tripping on a landmine.... He walked it off.
52b5p9	17	There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm.... It hasn't released yet.
52b2tv	2	What did the north tower say to the south tower?. Sorry, gotta go catch a flight.
52b2t2	57	You can't run through a campground.... ...you can only ran, because it's passed tents.
52b2f5	1	I ordered the latest, most advanced computer a month ago.. It hasn't arrived yet.
52b1nd	2	Anal sex and cabbage have a lot in common.. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.
52b1ew	81	Give a girl a plane ticket.... ... and she'll fly for a day. Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life.
52b0gj	7	Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish.... ...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!
52azym	0	child to parent: "why dont you mentor me?". parent: "why dont you deserve a mentor?"
52aytt	6	An iPhone 7 walks into a bar .... I'll have a Jack please!
52aytf	3	What did the hacker do when the police came for him?. He ransomware.
52axax	0	What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Jimmy Carter?. Carter will likely still be around for next year's inaguration.
52ax6d	113	My nine year old's yo momma joke. Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake
52ax0x	2	In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?. The mortician
52aw8x	1	I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid
52aw5f	0	My girlfriend always giggles during sex.. No matter what she's reading.
52avjr	0	Chatting on a patio about Costa Rican beaches!!. OMG The beaches in Costa Rica are Soooo beautiful It's hard to describe. Just thinking about it is starting to make me cry, or maybe it's just your cigarette smoke.
52aufp	2	Mary's Grandpa died. Mary's grandpa died of a heart attack and at his funeral she asks her grandma how that could happen. So grandma explains: "Mary, you are old enough now so I can tell you. Every sunday granpa and I would have sex. We always waited for the bell ringing of the church nearby. So when it started, your grandpa would lay on me and start. The bells would go ding, dong, ding, dong and grandpa would make love to me in the same tempo. In on the ding, out on the dong. So that's what we did last sunday and it would have been nice as always but then this stupid icecream truck drove down our street..."
52atxh	4	The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding. I guess you could say he sucked at tit
52atue	4	Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.. For putting up with my shit.
52atpm	24	Why did the kid only water half the lawn?. Because there was a 50% chance of rain
52asyu	1	As someone who grew up with the internet, I occasionally forget that things aren't always online.. At least everything else is though.
52asw9	1	For the first year of my time at college, I never had sex, all because of a stupid abstinence pledge I took for a bible study class.... ...the other three years, I was just unlucky.
52ascp	12	Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.. Wife: "But we don't have a penguin!" Me: "And now for the good news...!"
52as8r	0	What does a jewish prostitute gotta do when she gets to someone's house?. She gaza strip!
52aruq	1	You might want to listen to that long Marvin Gaye song while stuck in that bad traffic today.. It's a Slow Jam.
52arh4	0	[Long] So there are two friends, Jack and Jill. They were born in a countryside and were best friends in their childhood. They used to go up the hill and get water every day to their house. One day Jack found out that he was a son of a noble landlord and inherited a fortune. He left the village and Jill for his estate. Jill felt sad and stopped going up the hill for water and instead chose to go to a lake nearby. Jack growing in the rich family turns into a douche and pretentious. One day he wanted to show his friend Jill that he was living well off without him. So he goes to Village invites Jill to come over to the city to visit him. So he shows Jill everything and taunts him how Jill cannot afford them. Later he goes to drop Jill in his Village. Jill then suggests they both should go to the well, just like their childhood. Jack agrees to that. They go to the well spend some time. After they start their journey back the well starts to speak. It says it was a wishing well all along and says it used to be happy every time they both used to come here and play. It says that wishing wells have a limit of wishes to give before they turn into a normal well. It offers the friends the last wish it has. Jack being a douche says to Jill "I may not come to this bloody village again. I'll take the wish and will ask an iPhone for you for contacting me as it will take you a lifetime to buy one for yourself". Jill gets hurt and as soon as Jack starts wishing Jill at the same time wishes "I hope Jack disappears" with tears in his eyes. Jill ends up with an iPhone7
52aqvv	0	What did the squirtle say to the charizard?. "Squirtle!"
52aqfs	132	A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”. The bartender says, “Y, the long face.”
52apzo	3	You know what would have made the Note 7 recall less disruptive?. Removable Batteries
52apxx	0	My Uncle died. It's this time of the year again. I lost my uncle on 9/11. But at least he died during something he really enjoyed - flying airplanes.
52aphx	0	When asked about Hillary's fall, Bill said not to worry. "...she's never gone down on me like that."
52aog0	1	What's the difference between Anton Scalia and Hillary Clinton?. No one knew Scalia's death was imminent. (It's a reference to the HRC health status controversy-- not a threat, friends at Secret Service. Don't tase me bros!)
52ao8p	341	A girl with no arms or legs was on a beach.... ...As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked, "Whats the matter, dear?" The girl replied with "I've never been hugged before." So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks "Whats wrong now?" The girl replies with "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks, "Whats the matter now?" The girl replies with, "I've never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now."

52ches

4

Why did Patrick Stewart shave his head?. So he could badly go where no man has gone before.

52cgxs

2

I have a serious problem where I keep letting go of things when I hold them. It's really getting out of hand.

52cgpz

0

My ex talked me into marriage. I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife

52cgks

4

I've been stung. Screamed the woman as she ran into the pro shop. "Where were you stung?" asked the concerned pro. "Between the first and the second hole" gasped the woman breathlessly. "Well" said the pro "then your stance may be a little too wide."

52cgfw

0

Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?. He had an an*yarr*ysm.

52cfo6

1

Did you hear about the arm that tells jokes?. They're actually quite humerus

52cf74

61

3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but no lighters or matches or anything to light it with.What do they do?. They throw one cigarette over board and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

52cezz

4

I think my bank is trying to get me to become a gymnast.. They keep sending me letters about my outstanding balance.

52cczb

0

Why did you hit your little sister?. Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister? Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

52cctl

0

Anniversary. "Knock* Knock*" :Who's there? "9/11" :9/11 who? "You said you'd never forget!"

52cblh

0

A knight goes to a blacksmith shop. to get his armor repaired after a battle. The blacksmith asks "What dy'a need, sir?" "I have a nasty chink in my armor." The blacksmith says "Well, ye' better get him out."

52c8ob

0

" Could the cereal your children eat every morning be killing them? Tonite at 11 on abcnews56 we will tell you". " After several studies , no. "

52c8ms

5

Why is it illegal to commit suicide?. You aren't allowed to damage the government's property.

52c8mj

41

What is crucial to any joke about ISIS?. The execution

52c70a

3

Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?. Well, he's back in town and wants your number

52c6z2

5

Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?. To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.

52c6i2

0

Why was the cookie monster arrested for computer hacking???. He was in possession of all the "COOKIES"

52c5ng

166

A blonde and a redhead watch the news.... A blonde woman and a redhead woman went to lunch. They had to wait for their table so they sat in the bar and had a drink. The TV was on and they noticed the news was showing a man on a rooftop threatening to jump. The redhead told the blonde "I bet you 50 bucks he jumps." The blonde replied "You're on." Sure enough the man jumped, so the blonde starts to dig out her money. The redhead felt kind of bad so she said "That's okay, I cheated. I saw this on the 10 o'clock news last night." The blonde turned to her and said "Well so did I, but I didn't think he would jump twice in a row!"

52c5eu

0

Dude I'm Colin Kapernick and I'm black.. Dude you're not even brown. You look like Matthew Perry. -Harold and Kumar

52c4xs

0

What did the tiger say to the leopard at the poker game?. You better not be a cheetah

52c4n5

0

My brave uncle died on September 11, 2001. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia

52c43f

182

Dad cooks venison and doesn't tell the kids what it is. He gives them one hint: "It's what your mother calls me" The boy yells: "It's a FUCKING DICK! Don't eat it!"

52c35a

3

What is Jim Morrison's favorite time?. Five to one.

52c2zl

34

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?. Tenants.

52c2ub

16

They ran out of bread at the Indian restaurant, but it turned out nobody cared.. It was a naan issue.

52c0xx

35

What do you call a bull masturbating?. Beef stroganoff

52byyu

9

The Online Biology Class. I almost got expelled in an Online Biology crash course earlier. They asked me what the major constituent of cells are. Turns out, "black people" is NOT a good answer.

52bv87

6

when fruit talks. Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

52btzb

1

Hillary Clinton is sick according to doctors.... I pneu it all along.

52btva

6

I have somewhere around 300 karma. I intend to drop it to 0 by having human-like opinions on the wrong subreddits

52btlx

1

How does Tony Abbott connect to FaceTime. He looks at a clock

52bssg

8

My vaccume cleaner sucks because it doesn't suck.... Unlike my other vaccume cleaner, which doesn't suck because it sucks. (co-writing credit to smarties pants u/lord_of_the_realm)

52bsmp

7

A blind man walks into a bar. and a table and a chair

52brxd

2

What did Clinton tell the FBI?. "I did not have classified relations with that server!"

52brlg

2

I know where you live. In a house

52brfs

1

Finders, Keepers. I saw this cool mine selling shop in Iraq.

52bqrx

0

The real reason Hillary Clinton stumbled. A tiny plane flew into her.

52bo54

0

Hillary Clinton collapsed at the 9/11 memorial today. Showing that she truly did not forget.

52bmlk

1

There was a massive fight in the chip shop yesterday!. A fish got battered.

52blui

0

Why did Patrick's girlfriend have to go to the doctor?. She had a weast infection.

52bkwv

0

And they say jet fuel can't melt steel beams.... When Hillary will collapse from too much hot sauce

52bkn0

7

Yerr a unit of power Harry!. Im a watt?

52bhs3

0

I just got a Sleep Number mattress, and it turns out my sleep number is 911.. Because a night in my bed, you'll never forget.

52bh62

2

I met this lovely girl who's an amputee; lost her arms...She's a joy to be around, but.... I just can't ask for her hand in marriage

52bh4f

0

What was the last pizza order at the Twin Towers?. Two large plains.

52bh1r

6

Jehovah's Witnesses are like testicles. They come in pairs, one is always bigger than the other, they keep knocking on the door but never get in, and if they do, shits about to get freaky.

52bgy0

29

One time in medieval England .... One time in medieval England, there was a Lord who opposed hunting. One day, he issued a verdict that forbade hunting on his land. The peasants were angry, but the economy soon recovered. But within a few years, wild animals were overpopulating and began traveling into the fields and eating the crops. Peasants once more began to protest, but the Lord ignored them. Soon, the peasants could not grow food because the animal population was eating everything they planted. A large group stormed the castle, demanding the Lord end the ban, but he refused, and they killed him. This marked the only time in history that a reign was called because of the game.

52bfgc

664

I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language.... ...entirely out of tattoos.

52bf24

0

I wanted to tell a joke about mazes.. But the mods took it down because it was too corny...

52bf06

0

Why was the fish swimming alone?. Because he left the school.

52ben6

2

Cows really don't like those big, round bales of hay.. They can't get a square meal.

52bd8t

0

What do you call LeVar Burton that survived months of being lost in the wilderness?. Geordi La Forage

52bd2f

8

Why don't atheists use exponents?. Because they don't believe in higher powers.

52bcpk

1

Did you guys hear the joke about the stunt man's flame?. It was retarded

52bcmh

1

How do Muslims laugh?. Muahahahamed Note: I don't have any prejudices against Islamic people.

52bbsq

322

A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat.... He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”

52bbrw

3

Beef farmers in Washington are fighting to protect their cattle, whose water supply has been tainted with THC from the marijiana industry. The steaks have never been higher

52bbrp

2

Why is the US terrible at league of legends?. Because they can't protect their towers.

52bbkg

0

Seattle Seahawks labeled Bud Light cans have the lowest sales compared to any other team.. Most of their fans aren't old enough to buy beer yet.

52baf5

48

Everyone needs to chill the hell out about Roe V. Wade.. Honestly, they're both valid ways to get across water.

52ba84

2

What's the most original subreddit ever?. /r/Jokes

52b93u

1

Why is Jay Cutler gay?. Because of all the sacks he takes.

52b8z0

2

A alcoholic man named Edward L. Trickle. was at an AA meeting. They ask him to stand up and introduce himself. "Hello, I'm Edward Lek, and I am an alcoholic." After a few minutes of chat with the group, he removes a bottle of gin with a red N on it from his bag. They all gasp and ask what he's doing with it. He pours it down his ear while the whole group watches in awe. "This is my way of drinking." He says. After a few more minutes, the whole room's lightbulbs go dark. Edward gets up and fiddles with the circut breaker. The AA leader pulls him away and asks what he's doing. "I can fix this, I am an E. Lek Trickle N Gin Ear."

52b8nn

1

Why did so many people fail to escape the Titanic?. They were told "water under the bridge".

52b8ig

420

You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?. I'm voting for the dying one.

52b836

15

My boss asked me which Game of Thrones house he'd best be placed in.... I told him House Lannister because it only takes one hand to go fuck yourself.

52b5sc

0

Chuck Norris has his legs blown apart after tripping on a landmine.... He walked it off.

52b5p9

17

There's a new movie coming out about people who take a long time to orgasm.... It hasn't released yet.

52b2tv

2

What did the north tower say to the south tower?. Sorry, gotta go catch a flight.

52b2t2

57

You can't run through a campground.... ...you can only ran, because it's passed tents.

52b2f5

1

I ordered the latest, most advanced computer a month ago.. It hasn't arrived yet.

52b1nd

2

Anal sex and cabbage have a lot in common.. If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult.

52b1ew

81

Give a girl a plane ticket.... ... and she'll fly for a day. Push a girl from a plane, and she'll get to fly for the rest of her life.

52b0gj

7

Yo, Hillary, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish.... ...but the World Trade Centre had one of the best collapses of all time! One of the best collapses of all time!

52azym

0

child to parent: "why dont you mentor me?". parent: "why dont you deserve a mentor?"

52aytt

6

An iPhone 7 walks into a bar .... I'll have a Jack please!

52aytf

3

What did the hacker do when the police came for him?. He ransomware.

52axax

0

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and Jimmy Carter?. Carter will likely still be around for next year's inaguration.

52ax6d

113

My nine year old's yo momma joke. Yo momma so fat her patronus is a cake

52ax0x

2

In a collision, if one car is going twice as fast and the other weighs twice as much, who wins?. The mortician

52aw8x

1

I was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day. On the plus side I did make a few quid

52aw5f

0

My girlfriend always giggles during sex.. No matter what she's reading.

52avjr

0

Chatting on a patio about Costa Rican beaches!!. OMG The beaches in Costa Rica are Soooo beautiful It's hard to describe. Just thinking about it is starting to make me cry, or maybe it's just your cigarette smoke.

52aufp

2

Mary's Grandpa died. Mary's grandpa died of a heart attack and at his funeral she asks her grandma how that could happen. So grandma explains: "Mary, you are old enough now so I can tell you. Every sunday granpa and I would have sex. We always waited for the bell ringing of the church nearby. So when it started, your grandpa would lay on me and start. The bells would go ding, dong, ding, dong and grandpa would make love to me in the same tempo. In on the ding, out on the dong. So that's what we did last sunday and it would have been nice as always but then this stupid icecream truck drove down our street..."

52atxh

4

The baby wasn't very good at transitioning out of breastfeeding. I guess you could say he sucked at tit

52atue

4

Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.. For putting up with my shit.

52atpm

24

Why did the kid only water half the lawn?. Because there was a 50% chance of rain

52asyu

1

As someone who grew up with the internet, I occasionally forget that things aren't always online.. At least everything else is though.

52asw9

1

For the first year of my time at college, I never had sex, all because of a stupid abstinence pledge I took for a bible study class.... ...the other three years, I was just unlucky.

52ascp

12

Honey, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the penguin pooped in the bathtub.. Wife: "But we don't *have* a penguin!" Me: "And now for the good news...!"

52as8r

0

What does a jewish prostitute gotta do when she gets to someone's house?. She gaza strip!

52aruq

1

You might want to listen to that long Marvin Gaye song while stuck in that bad traffic today.. It's a Slow Jam.

52arh4

0

[Long] So there are two friends, Jack and Jill. They were born in a countryside and were best friends in their childhood. They used to go up the hill and get water every day to their house. One day Jack found out that he was a son of a noble landlord and inherited a fortune. He left the village and Jill for his estate. Jill felt sad and stopped going up the hill for water and instead chose to go to a lake nearby. Jack growing in the rich family turns into a douche and pretentious. One day he wanted to show his friend Jill that he was living well off without him. So he goes to Village invites Jill to come over to the city to visit him. So he shows Jill everything and taunts him how Jill cannot afford them. Later he goes to drop Jill in his Village. Jill then suggests they both should go to the well, just like their childhood. Jack agrees to that. They go to the well spend some time. After they start their journey back the well starts to speak. It says it was a wishing well all along and says it used to be happy every time they both used to come here and play. It says that wishing wells have a limit of wishes to give before they turn into a normal well. It offers the friends the last wish it has. Jack being a douche says to Jill "I may not come to this bloody village again. I'll take the wish and will ask an iPhone for you for contacting me as it will take you a lifetime to buy one for yourself". Jill gets hurt and as soon as Jack starts wishing Jill at the same time wishes "I hope Jack disappears" with tears in his eyes. Jill ends up with an iPhone7

52aqvv

0

What did the squirtle say to the charizard?. "Squirtle!"

52aqfs

132

A horse walks into a bar and says, “On a right-angled triangle with sides X, Y and Z, if X and Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?”. The bartender says, “Y, the long face.”

52apzo

3

You know what would have made the Note 7 recall less disruptive?. Removable Batteries

52apxx

0

My Uncle died. It's this time of the year again. I lost my uncle on 9/11. But at least he died during something he really enjoyed - flying airplanes.

52aphx

0

When asked about Hillary's fall, Bill said not to worry. "...she's never gone down on me like that."

52aog0

1

What's the difference between Anton Scalia and Hillary Clinton?. No one knew Scalia's death was imminent. (It's a reference to the HRC *health* status controversy-- not a threat, friends at Secret Service. Don't tase me bros!)

52ao8p

341

A girl with no arms or legs was on a beach.... ...As a man walked pass her she started crying. The man asked, "Whats the matter, dear?" The girl replied with "I've never been hugged before." So the man hugs her and the girl starts crying again. The man asks "Whats wrong now?" The girl replies with "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her and the girl starts crying yet again. So the man asks, "Whats the matter now?" The girl replies with, "I've never been fucked before." So the man picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says "You're fucked now."