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Before i go away should i write i big text? One last meeting? A brief message? How should i say goodbye? | Suicidal |
I was just like, "...no why?" . Fuck, I thought it was not obvious, damn, I am terrible at hiding this shit. My mate literally just asked me if I was depressed | Suicidal |
is vertical or horizontal. which one works better best way to cut | Suicidal |
I struggle with these thoughts frequently but I have come to the conclusion that I am only here because my son and a few specific people in my life. I am optimistic for someone who struggles with these thoughts as often as I do. I just feel stuck. I am stuck on this world because I love my son so so much I would never put that trauma on him, he needs his mom. But I also feel stuck because I cope with sleep. I used to be able to sleep hours everyday to pass the time and I cannot anymore because I work full time at a really good paying job. No job= no home and I cannot do that to my son. I just want to go off into the woods and set up camp away from everyone and really figure out my life (or if I want one) but I cannot. So I am stuck. This is just a rant but its so hard being in my head. Its hard to have ties to the world | Suicidal |
I feel really stuck. It just feels like there are just so many things going on even though nothing's actually going on. Currently I am a high schooler, and I live with my extremely homophobic parents (who I have yet not come out to) and they are the main sources of my suicidal thoughts. My mother is also abusive and hits or berates me whenever I do something even slightly wrong, which causes a lot of anxiety for me when I mess something up. But even without their influence, I can only manage to think about how much I am failing and lagging behind everybody else and that I am worthless. And when I try to take one small step at a time trying to finish anything, I get easily distracted and end up not finishing even after hours have gone by. I have not been sleeping or eating at all. Suicide feels like the only option left, but I want to hold on for those around me who love me, but I do not know how long i can last feeling this low. I am stuck. | Suicidal |
Just tell me how to do it pls i cannot buy stuff i live w my family but i really want to end it all but if you really want to help me | Suicidal |
My friend and I who drifted but were still friends just told me to kms. I do not know what I did but just knowing that he was there for me made me happy. He was one of my only friends(and I hope this is all a sick joke)but I do not think he wants that anymore. I have but one other friend (I am 15 btw) and I know how much it would impact everybody if I really went though with it. I know that making this post is pointless and maybe 4 people are going to see it, I just needed to vent. Wow | Suicidal |
Hi, I am mostly creating this thread as a way to vent, I do not want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed. TLDR: Found explicit photos and vids of partners ex on family iPad, he says masturbating is different to having sex and he is sorry and will delete them, AIBU to forgive him? Today I went on the family iPad to find the presentation my partner created for his dads funeral a few years back. I wanted it because it has lots of photos of him as a child so wanted to create an album with our son for his birthday next month. So I go into the folder and there in 'recents' there are tons of naked photos of his ex from 2017. At first I just broke down as thought they had been sent recently but then when I looked at the info on the files it stated they were created in 2016 and 2017 so seems like they are just old explicit photos and explicit videos of her he has kept. I looked what folder they were in and they were saved to a folder that looks like an old work file folder - but all that is in the folder is explicit photos and videos of her. Looking at different ones I can see that they have been viewed throughout 2019 (when I was pregnant) and thoughout 2020/21 and up to as recently as the weekend. I confront him about it and at first he tried making out is is not a big deal. Eventually after explaining how I feel he has agreed it was wrong and has apologised but accused me of overreacting. For more info I had a traumatic birth and it has left me with nerve damage and a lot of scars all over my abdomen due to further surgeries. I suffered with PND but went to therapy and was put on meds and I am doing so well now. Started my own business and pay for sons childcare 2 days a week and looked after him the rest of the time. Despite this I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a wank over her than have sex with me. I have never had issues with him viewing porn. He says that he views these photos the same way as porn but I do not, he has slept with this woman many, many times before we got back together (they were together for just four months when we were on a break instigated by me not him) He has agreed to delete them and says he understand why I am upset and he will not ever do anything like it again. AIBU to forgive him? I feel so angry that he could disrespect me in this way but I love our family so much and he is an incredible father. We are not married. I either forgive him or give up on life | Suicidal |
Currently 17 close to 18, and I hate everything about myself. I hate the way I look, how I feel, and my anxiety is slowly killing me. I feel constantly judged all the time and never feel like I am good enough for anyone not even myself. I live a decent life but I have nothing going for me. I have not been happy in almost 4 years now, there is nothing I do that makes me happy. I do not have a life worth living. The girl I feel so passionate about is with someone else and i hate it. I do not feel like I am good enough for anything. I am just so tired of living through the same day over and over. I do not feel like my life is as worth it as people say it is. Everyone always tells me it gets better and if I wait good things are coming for me but they have not and it does not seem like they will. I hate myself and my life | Suicidal |
I just want to be rid of them. I have worked so hard to recover, been through multiple outpatient programs to try and recover from the psychological havoc they put me through, and lately I have finally been feeling great and optimistic for the first time in years. And then this bomb dropped on me. I think they are not going to stop until they can watch me completely crumble and die. I do not want to give them that. But I am starting to worry that I will never be free of them and that I will never feel safe. I will always have to protect myself from them. they will try to get to me any way they can. that is not a life I want to endure. My abusive ex is lying about me sexually assaulting them to get revenge for outing their abuse and I am thinking of killing myself. | Suicidal |
it is been two weeks since I have been out of the hospital. I feel fantastic. I was hiding my feelings. I am a transgender man and I was not supported by my parents, but they finally educated themselves. And they respect me. I stood at the edge and I ran towards it, but I stopped. I thought, "that is a steep drop. What if I fall? What if I fall and it lasts too long and I scream and what about the anticipation of waiting to die and *what if I do not actually ascend?*" I sat down and called the cops. I spent 6 days in the hospital in the psych ward and I have been more open to myself about my feelings. I also realize that for me, suicide will not work because I will have to do all of this over again and that does not sound fun. They put me back on antidepressants, and ones that work real well. I feel fantastic. They worked like a charm. Sure I still have to deal with the crippling loneliness that my peers put me through but at least it is all tolorable again. :) Life is precious and I feel great | Suicidal |
Was making close to 50k/yr. Stalker from a video game began defaming me online. Said I abused children, drove him to suicide, and made false accusations resulting in his arrest. All of which are demonstrably untrue and the guy has done this to other people w/ mixed results. Sometimes landing himself in prison for stalking.I had a lot of support from others, but hearts on your tweets do not pay the bills. I lost everything that mattered.Legal action is convoluted due to it being a cross border thing. I would basically have to bankrupt myself just to get a restraining order, let alone sue for defamation. If I do not, he will continue to email future employers with defamatory claims and I will bounce from minimum wage job to minimum wage job indefinitely. I begged people in my life to take this seriously at the first sign of trouble and they never did.Police are aware of what is going on but almost comically advise me to blow all my money on lawyers.there is no woman in the picture. I have done nothing but sleep and watch Youtube for the past three months. Completely lost interest in all my hobbies. Most days I wish I never woke up and I wish I could speed up the process. Stalker destroyed my life | Suicidal |
Would I feel unfulfilled ? What about you peeps? If there were no Happy ending movies | Suicidal |
I just want out of this world, I have to many mental illnesses and my life is just slowly going downhill I want to die | Suicidal |
I am 18. i have not achieved anything in life. all i feel like is a failure constantly, i feel like I am losing all my friends and I am a fuck up because i cannot even stop self harming myself. i cannot pay attention in class no matter how much i want to, i cannot do my work because i do not find the motivation to even get out of bed. every fucking day of my life is exhausting and I am tired of living. i know i should have so much to look forward to, i have the end of high school and university and all that, but its too hard. i feel like i cannot even get enough strength to last through the night. I have been cutting myself the last five years and i just did it tonight, and i did it on the arm i swore id keep clean. i just want to be normal. i do not want depression, or adhd or anxiety and it fucking sucks because i cannot even be a decent and normal human being. I have let down my teachers, my parents, my friends. that is all i can ever do. it hurts so fucking much, this constant gaping hole in my chest that never goes away and i feel like i simultaneously cannot breathe and do not even feel like I am in my body. no matter how hard i try to stay clean, i break my streak. its so pointless, its all so pointless, i just want to end it all. please, i just want the pain to stop. it hurts so bad and i cannot go on knowing I have failed everyone in my life and that my parents deserve a better daughter, my friends deserve a better friend. i live on the 9th story, i could just jump right now, but I have failed myself because i cannot even get the courage to do that. i just want the pain to stop. I just want the pain to stop | Suicidal |
@therealRC12,,Honestly I dont want to be here anymore.... | Suicidal |
Goodnight everyone I hope I do not wake up tomorrow | Suicidal |
i feel like no matter what i do, everything just fucks up. nothing i do is right. there is no right answer. i do not know what i did wrong. I am just so tired of it all. i want everything to go back to normal. i feel like such a fucking idiot bc its happening again. I am tired. i want it to stop. but i know its worse for the ones around me. i want them to stop too. i want everything to stop. I am so tired | Suicidal |
@w_terrence @JenNbrenstore That guy is the total, complete product of PROGRESSIVE RE-EDUCATION. In other words, he'⦠https://t.co/moXnGTexzJ | Suicidal |
I really just cannot do this anymore. Being alone, this loneliness, it is getting to me. My best friend ignores my messages and does not talk to me, I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen, I cannot deal with this grief and depression, I just feel dead. Like a part of my soul has been ripped out, like I have been chipped away over the years, every trauma destroying another integral part of me. I do not take my meds because I do not deserve to get better. This is penance, I deserve it, I know that, but I just cannot do it anymore. I cannot be alone like this. I started writing a suicide note but I am so depressed I could not even write more than five words. I guess that really just says it all. I am so fucking lonely | Suicidal |
Things were better for a little bit but now yesterday I had a nightmare which brought up my panic again from everything that is happened. I am alone, no one close enough to talk about it with. Whenever I think I end the thought with some form of "I want to kill myself". God I hope this panic does not become a daily thing again. The two things keeping me going are my cat who might have a weak heart and my dnd game which might be falling apart. I do not think I will last long, everything's too draining. Back here again | Suicidal |
I hate it sm. I just want to end it. Nobody would give a fuck anyways. I already know where to get the stuff I need. All I need is the fear to end. And once the fear is gone, I will be gone too. I hate how afraid of suicide I am | Suicidal |
alone and depressed and feeling pathetic thinking about how alone and depressed i feel. i wish i died that time. this wanting to die but not being able to is so excrutiating. I am so tired of it all. if I am not going to get better then i just want it all to end. alone | Suicidal |
DISCLAIMER: please do not read this if your having increasing thoughts of suicide this might trigger you 3 fucking years, being told all the same fucking lies over and over again. being told it will get better when it never fucking does. getting told i can use my coping skills when they never fucking work. getting told to just think differently. getting told this and that. none of it fucking works. I am beyond fucked up at this point and there is absolutely no fucking hope for me left and you really cannot hit me with the oh things get better this is temporary. it just gets worse every fucking day bro i cannot try to stay strong anymore the shit that is supposed to make me stronger just fucks me up . I am already far far gone but I am just alive waiting for the right moment to leave and honestly i think its soon because everyone seems to hate me and no one seems to care anymore nothing has changed | Suicidal |
Too bad it is so scary. it should not be. everything i do is impure. these hands are tainted and disgusting​i would like people to just keep whatever they think of me now in their hearts because maintaining a living, breathing human being, especially one that is this fucked up and terrible, is difficult. draining I want to be a memory of myself. existing is so painful. | Suicidal |
I do not know what to do. I think I will make it another few months. I have a few goals that I want to reach by the time I am 32 (new place, goal weight and shape, few adventures) I am going to do everything I can to make my goals happen. I going to make it the best year that I can so that on my next birthday my choice will be clear. Maybe this is my last year that I will be here. Maybe this is the start to something amazing. I honestly do not know. I love everyone in my life and I do not want them to be sad, but if things do not work out I cannot stay. it is stupid, but I do not want to grow old alone, I know I joke about being the crazy old guy in the woods but I do not want that. I want a family with the person that I fall in love with. I want a house and a yard so I can watch my kids (whether they are ours or adopted) grow up and hopefully be the father I wish I had when I was little. I want to go on adventures with someone and be able to have those stupid little moments where you know you have each others back 100% or you look in that person's eyes and you know they love you. I feel like my chances are all but gone and I do not want to be here if they are. Whenever I hang out with my friends I feel like the creepy old guy. I feel like I am intruding on the fun that everyone is having and they keep me around because they feel bad. I have become socially awkward, I cannot keep eye contact with people like I used to. I do not want to feel like this anymore. Idk if I am legit autistic or I have some sort of developmental issue in my brain because I have always had friends younger than me and maybe I am stupid or something and my brain is stunted so I cannot relate to people my age. I do not want to live a life where I am the dude always tagging along to friends events or camping trips alone. I feel broken. I know something is wrong with me and I do not know if I can fix it. Idk even how I was able to to trick my ex into being with me but I know why she cheated. It was me. I was not a good husband even though I tried and I do not think I will ever get another chance. I do not want to die alone but I think I might have to and it is better to do it earlier rather than waiting around till I am 35 or 40. it will give people time to forget about me. This is all stupid as fuck. It all comes down to being alone and my brain not being able to handle it. Maybe I am being punished for the horrible shit I have done, whether it is a God, or the universe or something else I really do not know. I just know I will not let myself live alone forever Opened up to a friend tonight. I am not okay and she knows that an is encouraging me to tell another friend so they can both help. I am trying to get better but my brain is telling me I am being manipulative and to just end it anyway. I only have a few friends my own age most are younger by 5 years | Suicidal |
There are people who care about me and my well being and would hate to see me die but for some reason do not care what my death would do to them. Do lives really matter in the end though? will not we eventually all just drift away? I feel selfish for wanting to die | Suicidal |
I am tired of this. I hate this sm much. I am done. Fuck it. I am about to be selfish | Suicidal |
I am so sad. Its my birthday tomorrow and my husband and I are fighting and I am so sad. Hes so mean. Hes mean then he tells me its my fault and gaslights tf out of me and plays victim. I am so sad. I want to kill myself on my birthday. I want a gun for my birthday so I can kill myself | Suicidal |
My feel like I have been through hell and back today and I do not know I feel like I want to commit suicide or anything I just cannot keep it up please somebody talk to me. I have been feeling so much suicidal lately, so many side effects from the medication and I feel so alone please somebody talk to me | Suicidal |
I find it hard to talk about this if I am honest and I do not want to just rant if I can help it. But I am at a point where I just feel worthless, I feel like my existence does not contribute in any way. I am 30 and still do not know what I am doing with my life. I have lost jobs and friends and feel completely alone.Truth is I just want to die. But I have had trouble committing to it. I attempted it once, but now lately I have been sort of reckless.Drinking, crossing the road without looking and other what others would consider reckless stupidity. But I cannot help it.I just do not want to be here.I am done. I just do not want to be here. | Suicidal |
I am being abused and no one cares at all . I have no one to turn to . I am doing my best but it does not matter . I am going to die from this and no one cares Literally no one cares | Suicidal |
I did not realize it, what kept me grounded for so long and able to operate efficiently.Ends up being my lil bro. We are 4 years apart, different in everyday, polarizing. I love this kid with all my heart and I want him to do well for himself. So why is it that when he tells me he is going to move across the country, my will to live dissipates? I am not here to tell you my life story, as its not important. There are many of us who deal with this plaque in our minds, and I cannot help but wonder if this is some cruel way of self defense. I feel way too strongly on all fronts, I am incapable of of emotions that are small, its 0 or 10000 at all times. Into adulthood I have told myself I have made progress, with my behavior. My main coping mechanism with life is to learn about it, I decided at some point in my earlier youth that this is how I am going to solve my internal issues, with knowledge. Turns out knowledge is power but what was failed to mention is that not everyone can handle that power. I can now explain why on a chemical and biological level, I feel the way I do, and it only makes things worse nowadays. I have tried to take on a hedonistic mindset to circumvent the already dark thoughts with the peace that well its all essentially pointless.. but I am not a hedonist, and as much as I say I *do not* care I really do care at the umpteenth power. Its fucking hard. Especially when you have no one to go to. When you do not feel comfortable enough to speak about your thoughts because the people who are supposedly there for you, cannot be bothered- and its not their fault. We have all these words and concepts to wrap things up in a neat little bow and capartamentalize things until they are in boxes so small we act like we forget they are there. Its sickening and I feel like I am going to vomit, but I am not a puker so I know I will not. I am sitting here in a stew of my own self-loathing and I do not want to be here anymore. cannot say I did not try. | Suicidal |
And I am going back to a place where I had no idea a person could feel like this. Where I was ignorant to it all. This terrible despair that just festers inside of me now, it is unbearable. I want that ignorance back. I want it back so bad.But now that I got my thoughts out, I will enjoy my high. Accidentally got super high | Suicidal |
I do not want to because them to feel guilt or responsibility for my decision, but I have to communicate my reasons for it, which involve the way in which I was raised. I apologize if this request is in violation of the subreddit rules. Thanks for reading. Would anyone be willing to critique my suicide note to my family? | Suicidal |
I (16F) had a breakdown in front of my mom (51F) the other night. After that, I heard her crying in her room. Of course my heart hurt hearing her cry but at the time I was so lost in my own resentment I could not feel bad for her and I was too focused on myself, I am sorry. Now she is just carrying on with her day like nothing happened, unlike the other times where she would drive me around the city to hopefully cheer me up. Just ignoring me now. Tbh I deserve it.I know I am a fucking asshole and a shit daughter.I know I cannot count on others to pick me up when I break down like this, especially when I am the piece of shit in this scenario but I cannot help myself. Right now I feel like she is tired of my dramatic shit, hence she is ignoring me, letting me do whatever I want. she is just waiting for me to get my shit together to so I can stand on my own and actually get shit done. But I refuse to. I do not want to try anymore. I am fucking tired, so fucking tired of acting like I am strong, motivating myself all over again so I can end up exactly like this again and again and again. I do not want a better life for myself. she is better off without me, she has more loyal friends than I will ever have. I do not want to try for her or for myself because I do not want to go through that shit again. I just want everything to end. I feel like everyone is just waiting for me | Suicidal |
Anything positive will do! I am very tempted to just give up. Ironically the trigger was posting on Reddit; but I have nowhere else. I have all I need to die. I was planning on it but I managed to get myself out of it, but again I have ended up back here. Probably my own fault, though was not helped by how negative most spaces online are. I want to die because there is no point. I have wanted to die for years, I have attempted plenty of times. I finally found a reason to live recently in that I am trans. That realisation gave me hope, but that is long faded. Its years on waiting lists, its the stress of fighting my corner all the time. Constant abuse online. No one in my life understands. I wake up and I see a man. An ugly pathetic man. It does not feel like me, and I have to go through the day colleagues, and strangers seeing me as a man. Dead naming me. All because nobody understands. The constant hate in the media, on social media, even at my university! Then I think is it even worth it? What if I do not pass, what if being a women is not enough? what is the gain from continuing to live? The only reason I am reaching out is i made the mistake of convincing myself I could cope. I wish Id never done that, wish Id given up long ago. I have written this in a rush at work, sorry if it makes no sense. I am used to people ignoring me.I know I am not worth the time. I have been told I am selfish and attention seeking. So that is probably all this is. Need help! Plan to die tonight. | Suicidal |
I am 23 now. Since I am 14/15 years old I have constantly been in Therapy or Hospitals.However, when certain parts of my Life come up, I either avoid them or straight up lie to my therapist, mostly out of shame. But over time there are so many Symptoms crawling up that I often have the feeling that they probably thing I am overreacting. In terms of medication nothing really ever helps, they often tried to beat whatever just came up with neuroleptics or antidepressants and they only thing that ever helped was putting myself to sleep with benzos, which is not something my Psychiatrist is willing to give me that often. I recently dared opening up about a completely unrelated Topic, which now makes everyone think, that maybe that is the reason for everything that is been wrong all my life, and while I am happy that i can now talk about that, It almost feels like it makes everything else worse.I am sorry If I do not go into enough details but I am very paranoid about opening up to much.Essentially I would be incredible thankful for any advice how to overcome shame and for once just be 100% honest to my therapist, because honestly going on like this is not an Option and I am not going to fail again. How do I bring up Trauma during Therapy ? | Suicidal |
Tell me something that will make me stay.I have a cat and a husband that I love so much. I want to end my life but? So many dark thoughts on daily basis. Say something please. Suicidal thoughts, help me. | Suicidal |
i imagine myself dying slowly in many different scenarios and i like it so much, it just feel so good.is it weird? is it that weird? | Suicidal |
this is my notice of me giving up on life n becoming an alcoholic bc i'm miserable n want to die farewell ill be drunk | Suicidal |
So I recently lost my dream job. I was fired because I am going to court over a class D Misdemeanor. I am trying to get back in that field, but one interview turned me down. I have another tomorrow but I am trying not to get my hopes up.I am struggling to pay bills. Everything is late. And I cannot talk to anyone I know about this. I am very depressed. My apartment is a wreck, I used to be so happy playing some of the games I love. Now, nothing makes me happy anymore. I am not suicidal, I promise I am not. I am just... depressed and I need a win. Nothing makes me happy anymore. | Suicidal |
I am struggling I do not think I contribute to my family in a positive way at all I am wonderful which drug I could take that could end this turmoil the quickest I just want to disappear. Why am I even here | Suicidal |
And how much does it hurt? How much paracetamol does it take to kill you? | Suicidal |
.....dealing with non-stop self-hatred and obsessively ruminating over every bad thing you have ever done to the point that all of your energy and motivation vanishes into the ether because you can never be a good person so why even bother? Any tips for..... | Suicidal |
And honestly I do not know why they should. But it does not help nonetheless. I turn 22 today. I promise the second you are an adult no one cares. | Suicidal |
I know that is terrible. I do not think anyone should have to feel this way. But I am just the typical idiot defective loser with nothing going for itself so I feel like I deserve it anyway Is it bad that I wish I could be one of those super put together people who still want to die | Suicidal |
Hello, i want no one to miss me.Should i fight everyone, pretend to hate everybody and be a piece of shit? My relationships | Suicidal |
I lost all my friends because of a false accusation at work and now they all hate me... I am not feeling like myself anymore... My therapist is on vacation and I cannot eat more calories today... I really want to kill myself..... Just lost everything | Suicidal |
Everyone I talk to these days tells me to live. Why?just because you should live. That does not make any sense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live?Everyone I talk to these days tells me to live. Why?ust because you should live. That does not make any sense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live?ense. I came here looking for an answer. So tell me, friends, why should I live? Reason to live | Suicidal |
@Logman765,Lincoln, NE,RT @LoliThicc: Im sorry if i really want my life to end im sorry i drank for week straight i am sorry but its hard to say its gonna be fine⦠| Suicidal |
RT @palestinianho: patient: i hate myself and i want to die | Suicidal |
Not necessarily in this community, although I have seen it here before, but just in general. Someone will post in or speak about how they overcame their suicidal urges and their depression in groups of people who are all depressed and suicidal; take all the congratulations and "I am proud of you"'s but never explain how the achieved it or give advice or even RESPOND to people asking them how they did it.Now I know nobody is entitled to anyones story, but when you dangle it in front of people who could reall use its faces, it just feels so cruel yknow? Like someone from a poor neighborhood returning to their home rich and successful and they never tell their old friends and fanily or even just people in the neighborhood who NEED it how they did it. They just stand around in the neighborhood to be admired and praised and when someone asks them how they got to that point they either ignore them or give them that same half assed vauge "it gets better" answer. Its good that you overcame your illness. Its good that you decided to not kill yourself or your attempt failed and you decided to live and work on getting better. Congratulations. But PLEASE if you are going to share give us SOMETHING to look forward to. Even if its specific just give us ANYTHING. do not gloat to people in your old situation about how much better you are doing and keep the methods you used a secret. Meds? Love? Therapy? Religion? A fucking hobby??? Give us something to use.One of the few things that pushes me closer to ending it is being so *close* to getting advice, real advice from someone who actually understands, on how I can save myself; and then having that information withheld. And again, I am not entitled to anyones story and nobody is obligated to tell strangers on the internet about their very personal battle; but shit if you are going to brag about how you became happy to a bunch of depressed people at least tell us how. Why do people never want to share their success stories? | Suicidal |
I am so done with being assaulted, lied to, raped, robbed, etc then I have no reputation. I love other people but they hurt me:Nobody ever really loves me Fuck it | Suicidal |
I have had such severe trauma. Sexual and otherwise. I have bipolar and PTSD. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist weekly. I do not know why I should keep trying. I am a burden. A flawed specimen. Logically I should be dead. All I am now is a burden on my husband, family, and society. Try to tell me otherwise. I am so tired. | Suicidal |
Being up north in a cabin in the woods, snow and pines all around. Alone, trees and mountains all around. Alone. Crossing the room, the floorboards creaking under foot, the weight of my footprints are one last mark alive on this earth. The cold wind hitting the walls of the outside. Pulling a handgun out from the drawer in the corner. Placing it in my mouth, or on the side of my head? on my temple? whichever way it is with full intentions to pull the trigger. Am I really meant to stay alive? Was told to stay alive, but for what? Only to create more misery? The ones who have said it disappeared in the wind. To stay alive to not exist? To live only to wish to end this misery, wishing to end this thing called living? We all meet the earth in our deteriorating bones eventually. I have no legacy. I will be forgotten like the ones before me. I think these things as I am pressing the ball of the barrel to my temple. I think of him, who first said to me to stay alive even though he disappeared and said to never call back. Why am I still here? I want to cry, to scream to take this pain away. Am I really going to give in to living or just end it all? TAKE THIS PAIN AWAY! End MY MISERY! I lower the gun and fold into a ball. The gun lay at my head, the gun laying in full sight. I stare at it, conscious of the outside, the wind shifting frame of this cabin. I close my eyes and pray I no longer want to be alive. To fall asleep. To wake up alive. I want to die! Am really meant to be alive? I have no interesting tile but I hope someone reads this, relates to it. Maybe enjoys it. | Suicidal |
Everyday the thought passes through my mind, I am not sure what to do, I have reached out to healthcare but there is no mental health professions where I live. I am thousands of miles away from my family that I can speak to about this, and talking to them on a subject matter this dark seems inappropriate online. I am glad that I am scared but it does not stop the lingering thoughts. | Suicidal |
I would rather be dead.If I had a quick and easy way right now I would do it. I am so tired of feeling unsafe | Suicidal |
I despise humans and by extension I hate myself and want to die I hope I die in my sleep | Suicidal |
I need help...I need someone there for me...I am alone...my parents do not care...my husband left me I am losing my kids I am homeless I have no friends I have no body and nothing....I cannot handle being alone anymore please..... Someone please help me.... | Suicidal |
Its been exactly one year. 11th July 2020. I tried, failed and ended up snapping some ligaments from landing on my ankle unconscious. I have since gotten surgery to fix it and now I have a massive scar. Also I have developed arthritis and multiple slipped discs that HURT all the time. Some days its so bad that I think about killing myself just to escape the physical pain. I am really really fucking angry with myself last year. Why the FUCK did I not hide all the scissors and knives? that is how it got interrupted. My mother cut me down from the perfect hanging set up I had. Just a few more minutes and I would be AT PEACE. Guess what? Today I am 10kg heavier since that day. I still wish I was free. But NOOOOOOO I have to stay here on this bitch of an earth. I honestly see why drugs help people. Weed on occasion has helped me to calm down. But I would love to just be freed of all these worries. Being 19 and having had these thoughts since I was 6 years old, I feel like I have suffered enough. Back pain is a bitch. Without it I honestly would not still be feeling so suicidal. that is just how excruciating the physical pain is. RANT: One year since my attempt | Suicidal |
I feel like no one wants me and I am burden to everyone. I do not even want me. Every time I drive alone I have to fight this urge to press on the gas and end it all. I have nothing going for me and nothing that makes me happy. I am a full time student and a full time employee when I am not in school. my entire life is surrounded by saving money and making enough money to afford college just so I can earn my phD. All I want to do is earn it so I can help people and have enough money to live comfortably. It seems dumb to complain when so many have it worse and my dad has taught me my feelings are never valid and will never be because someone will always have it worse than me. I have no friends to seek help from or distract me. My family is extremely toxic and my father is borderline mentally abusive. I have 6 roommates at school who are very selfish and will throw you under a bus if it benefits them. I love learning and it is a great distraction but it leaves me so stressed because I can barley afford it. I have no purpose or sense of direction. I am completely lost and have nothing to live for i feel like i should just kms | Suicidal |
Every person in my life that was supposed to love me and be there for me betrayed me and completely fucked me over. NPD mother and grandmother. Two year relationship with an NPD woman that was 8 years older than me that completely broke my ability to trust. Two faced friendsIs it me? Do I really deserve this? I am alone now. Not one person to even so much as talk to. This is not a post looking for anything. Just to vent.I am reaching my limit. The only thing I am capable of doing is laying in bed and drinking/getting high. I cannot even watch tv or movies because nothing interests me. I have one show I watch and I am sick of it.Scrolling reddit makes me feel like complete shit about myself. Everybody is good at something and I cannot even try anymore because my families abuse has made me feel so worthless and shitty about myself I cannot even put it into words. I feel mentally paralyzed and crippled. I cannot even bare to face or talk to anybody I feel so worthless and ashamed of my existence. Is this really what I deserve? The worst part is as badly as I want to die and hurt myself I cannot because I am a coward and pussy and the only method I can see not being scared of is impossible right now because I do not have access to opiates or benzos anymore so Ill continue to sit here and suffer until I can finally get my hands on what I need. This fucking sucks and I pray for some kind of freak accident or terminal illness to have some fucking mercy on me. Fuck. Life is unfair | Suicidal |
Had a friend attempt suicide twice. Not to be mean or anything but they sent a cry for help the first time found them and got them to the hospital. Second time they were found by their parents. Feels more attention seeking in my perspective. do not get me wrong I know they need help. But I live with on my own with my boyfriend. But have been considering it lately. The saddest part is I know how to do it successfully because the nights I am left alone, I am alone for a while. do not have many ppl to reach out that would respond immediately. Too ashamed to talk to anyone I know about it. I am just scared. In need of a support system I feel like I am out of options. Work and my dog are the only things keeping me alive right now. Ledging | Suicidal |
I have not had suicidal thoughts since I was on lexapro. So that was around in December. It was a tough winter. But since March till now (June) I have been working hard on my body. Eating right, exercising, lifting etc. I have lost 20 pounds I was so happy proud of myself. My self confidence went up. But recently I realized I gained 10 pounds. As soon as I saw the number I instantly hit the ground and wanted to hurt myself so badly for being a failure this bad. I do not want to hear maybe its water weight, or your diet is wrong. because its been working for 3 months and now all of a sudden I am gaining weight. Its upsetting. I have atypical anorexia so this was a deviating blow for me. I am still in my bathroom on the ground crying my eyes out, coming down from a panic attack. I lock myself in the bathroom so I do not grab anything or just start hurting myself. This is upsetting. Nothing will make me feel better, and I give up on my weight loss journey. Its useless. Weight loss journey causing suicidal thoughts. | Suicidal |
Its a massive player in why we all want to kill ourselves. The power, scope and range of self hate is astronomical. Its a process that a Reddit post cannot do justice to explain. However, the destructive nature of self hate is trivialized and marginalized by doctors, therapists and professors. Euphemisms and oversimplifications are what we are taught to combat self hate and its honestly pretty hopeless. We are told to just think a positive thought we are told to realize negative thoughts are irrational. They pretend to be is groundbreaking philosophers. Telling us things like your thoughts create your reality and you have to control your thoughts The buffet of bullshit is endless. We are then proceeded to be labeled as self loathers and they tell us you do not want to get better just because we cynical towards this bullshit advice. I am over it. Its just so obvious to me that they cannot accept there are other factors other than my conscious thoughts that make me miserable. They do not want to hear it though. They think that means I am just giving up and it pisses me off. I hate just how underestimated self hate is by the clinical community and everyday society. | Suicidal |
To start off, I am 18(f). I love with my Muslim family, I however, do not consider myself Muslim. I hate Islam, Ill never let a religion control me. But I do not have the means to be on my own. I am constantly lying about where I am, I am constantly lying about who I am with, because I want a shot at life, I do not want to be caged and controlled anymore. I do not want to have to walk on eggshells anymore. I want to be able to see my boyfriend and not have to lie about it, I want to be able to dress however I want without being slut shamed by my parents. I want to be free, I do not want to live like this. Its such bullshit. I hate being trapped, I hate having my every move watched. I hate everything about this. But I do not want to die. I do not, its very situational. I like some aspects of my life. Life was actually getting better. But I will not let my parents have their way anymore. Ill be free. I think I want to overdose | Suicidal |
my life is a mistake and I am pretty sure it will never be okay, from the day I was conceived I have been unloved and unwanted, from my mother trying to abort me to the most recent relationship ending in tatters, I used to think I was cursed but now I just think I am one massive mistake.I want to rectify the mistake.I have plans and everything is ready but there is a small part of me that wonders if I am wrong so thought I would reach out. **trigger warning** I need someone to stop me | Suicidal |
I have been suicidal for a while now, and I used to be able to post about it wherever I wanted and get support from my friends. But now they said that I cannot vent anymore because it makes them feel bad. And my other friends think I am being overdramatic, that I am being an edgelord. I have nowhere to go if I want to talk about being suicidal. there is no way to vent my ideation. | Suicidal |
I did not really know what to title this. Turns out, I had another note in my phone. I deleted that though, so this is the only one you have to read. I really hope that nobody resents me after I do this, but that is out of my control. Even right before I die, I cannot stand the thought of people hating me. The thought literally makes me sick. I would say I am not really feeling anything at the moment, but that would be a partial lie. On the inside, I have no emotional reaction that I can feel (which I usually can). But, a song that means a lot to me just came on, and I started to cry. Its called Might you, and its in my Spotify likes, aguyss well as my Anime playlist. Can you play this song at my funeral? Its from My Hero Academia, so not many people there (if anyone shows up) will understand the context, but its a good song even without knowing the series. Its 11:09 pm right now. I do not know how long this note will take me. I guess I should say sorry to everyone, but there are surprisingly few people that I talk to. Really, its only my family and people at work. that is kind of sad. Mom and dad, I am sorry that I could not be the daughter you dreamed I was going to be. Frankly, I am not your daughter at all, since I am (was?) non-binary (neither a man nor a woman). Please do not refer to me as your daughter at my funeral. I do not care if that will confuse any relatives. I love you guys. ******, I am sorry I was such a jerk. I am really sorry that I would pick on you, and fight with you, and overall annoy you every single day. To make up for it, you can have all of my stuffed animals, as well as all of my snowglobes. I love you. ******, I am sorry I did not work harder to be closer to you. I am sorry I was a little asshole when we were growing up (which is why you hated me probably up until you went to Italy for that period of time). You were a great older sibling, and I wanted to be just like you for a long time. you are the reason I got into art, even though I have not really drawn anything in forever. do not be afraid to be yourself, even when it seems like everything will go wrong if you do. I love you. *****, you cannot read this. I do not even know if you can read honestly, and you probably will not understand what is going on at all. Autism sucks, huh? I would not really know, because I do not have it. Anyways, you can have my lightsabers, and my Spiderman pop-out painting thing. And my iPad, if you want. But you have to share it with ******. I love you. All my coworkers, I am sorry if I made everything about myself. I am also sorry if I made any of you uncomfortable, or if I overshared a lot. I did not really know how to cope with things (obviously, since I am dead now), and talking about it helped me process things in a way. You are all really nice (well, most of you. Some of you really frustrated me), and I hope you go on to find good jobs and live good lives. I considered a few of you really good friends, though I doubt you thought the same of me. Cinnamon, Laura, and Ella, I am even making a paragraph for you, even though you are animals and cannot read. I loved all three of you very much, and I loved spending time with you. This much is obvious, but Cinnamon was my favorite. That does not mean I loved the other two any less. I hope you three receive plenty of love now that I am gone, as well as belly rubs and scratches in your favorite places. I do not know what else to write. I was a really selfish person. Honestly, I was also kind of an asshole. I do not know why, its hard to explain, but I just was. I know my parents will be angry when I say this, but life was not great for me. Yeah, I lived in a good home (though it was really passive aggressive a lot of the time, and I never felt like my emotions and opinions were respected), but life is not good when you cannot feel much, and when you do feel it is not good. I just cannot keep living life where I am suffering in silence (was I silent about it though? I do not know. I am not that self-aware). My emotions did not really work right, I have nearly acted on a LOT of intrusive thoughts, and I often made things about myself when they had nothing to do with me. I guess that came from me feeling left out of things when I lived in Oregon. Speaking of Oregon, MAN that place sucked. Seriously, do not ever go there, whoever is reading this. My opinion may be biased, as I was sexually and mentally/emotionally abused from the beginning of 7th grade to halfway through 9th grade by this group of people who I considered to be friends, even though they never were. 0/10, do not recommend it to anyone. Can you make my funeral (if you hold one) open casket? Also, I want to wear a suit. I cannot really do anything if you put me in a dress, but still do not put me in one. Also, can you have non-binary flag and pansexual flag colors in some places? Maybe put a couple pins on my suit? That would be cool. Also, you can really have any food you want. Its not like Ill be eating it (Is it okay to joke about that? Its dark humor, and idk how many people will appreciate that). Anyone is allowed to come, but make sure to invite my coworkers. Oh, and do not hire a priest. I know you did not want to admit this, but I do not believe in God. Sorry if you think that hurts my soul, and that Ill go to hell, but I do not believe in that. Who are we to say what is real and what is not, when we cannot see it? Oh, and I want ***** ****** to have all my manga. You can donate the rest of my books (unless someone I know wants one), as well as my clothes. ***** can have my anime figures as well. If you want to keep it that long, ****** can have Sheldon (my car). I do not have much of it, but can you donate the money that I do have to The Trevor Project (a charity to help mentally ill LGBTQ teens). It is now 11:33 pm. I do not know when exactly Ill do it, but it will be before anyone wakes up. I was supposed to meet with ****** ******* at 1 tomorrow, but obviously that is not going to happen. Damn, this was two and a half pages. Not including this sentence, it was a total of 1144 words. that is more than my last essay for school was. I am such a coward, are not I? Only an idiot would commit suicide. Yet here I am, being a complete dumbass. Who knows, maybe Ill be reincarnated and be even worse off. Or Ill be reincarnated as an elephant or a cat. ...I cannot do this. What the hell am I doing? My Suicide Note | Suicidal |
I am 22 years and at the last year of my education. Everything up to this point has been awful. (unsupportive religious parents, social anxiety, BRFU syndrome) But now its going to get much much worse, as soon as I graduate I have to attend a brutal mandatory military training program for 6 months and after that as a grown man I will have to get a job or whatever. And after that my life is going to just suck. Most of time will be spent at work which I will not enjoy because I do not want to work and the rest of my time will be spent being depressed about all the times I was supposed to be happy but was actually miserable. I do not see a reason to continue this. Overall, its going to suck and I do not want to go through with that. I want to die because I enjoyed nothing so far and its going to get much much worse | Suicidal |
She was so cold. I cannot leave her alone. I am cooking her dinner. I want my wife to have a good dinner. I have not slept, have not eaten, only drank whiskey. I need her back. Please bring her back I found my wife this morning, I want to follow her | Suicidal |
I have this much at my disposal and I think I am going to take them tonight. I hate my life and myself to such an extent that I do not see any point in doing this anymore. I have been thinking about it all day and my thoughts are taking over my mind. Nobody cares. I am alone with when I come into this world and Ill die alone too. Goodbye. 42 grams of paracetamol and 1 gram of prozac. | Suicidal |
I thought I was getting better with my depression and self harm but everyday seems to be slowly getting worse and worse and I do not know how much longer I can deal with it. My only friend will not talk to me and I have no one else to go to about my problems. My mom has been doing some semi-abusive things for a while now and as much as it is not "abuse" it still makes me feel bad and only makes it worse. She always points out my insecurities and makes jokes about my trauma. She never listens to anything I say and she gets mad over everything, where I feel scared to even leave my room. She will not let me see my therapist anymore, she threw away my ADHD, anxiety and depression medication and refuses to get more. She pretty much neglects how I am feeling physically and mentally 24/7 and there is nothing I can do about it because she is the adult in my life. I feel unsafe in my home and I just want to go somewhere else. I want to be admitted to a mental hospital and get help but every time I bring the subject up my mom tells me I am fine, she is not spending her money on that, and to just "stop being so attention seeking." The only way I could live without her was if I went to live with my dad, but he already struggles with money ever since my parents divorced and my mom kicked him out. I doubt he would be able to provide for himself and a kid/kids. But I feel so hopeless and stressed out, all I want is to feel free and I have been contemplating suicide non-stop. I do not want to die, I just want to be happy but I just cannot. Vent. | Suicidal |
I just wanted to tell all of you that you are wonderful. I will be okay please do not worry I just need somewhere to vent right now. I am sure Ill be fine in the morning when I wake up but right now its not. I know I should close my eyes and go to sleep but Id rather stay awake and think of everything that is wrong in life, in the world. So here I go, closing my eyes as I cry myself to sleep for just one more night of many to come. I just wish I was not so alone. For me Its worse feeling alone when you know you have people you can talk to. Goodnight you beautiful human beings. I love each and every one of you. I am not okay | Suicidal |
Hey, all! English is not my native language so please bare with my poor English skills. As the title says: I have an internet friend and he shows hard suicidal thoughts and he also was talking that he will do it until or on Sunday. I am so worried and I honestly do not know what to do. I am so scared that I will lose him. He means a lot to me even though we only know us through the internet. Has anyone ideas what I could do to help him? Help! Internet friend is getting more and more suicidal the last few weeks | Suicidal |
I am such a shitty selfish person. Even if I get better I cannot erase the hurt I have caused so what is the point? Living with constant guilt is eating me alive.Or maybe I am just really tired. I hope I feel better in the morning. Everyone in my life would genuinely be better off without me | Suicidal |
I am actively not for lifeFuck it I do not want to get betterI do not want to swim. I do not want to float. I do not want meds to numb me and make the stream I am in better. I want to sink. I want to chokes. I want to fucking die. My family keeps saying they need me. I do not want to be here. Why are we all forced to keeping swimming when we do not want to? Why do I have to live? Everyone is swimming to stay afloat in life. I just want to sink. | Suicidal |
I keep getting this feeling or group of feelings every day at the most, it feels like something is squeezing my stomach when I get it. The feeling makes me think things like "you are not productive anymore you lazy " you love wasting all your time do not you" "you are never going anywhere with your life" "you are a walking Todo list". When I hear those things I usually reply "I know, I have so many problems" or "I should just kill myself and make the problems go away" or I will just curl up into a ball and cry until I think of something to do. The internal pain I get from this is so strong it feels physical, the fact that I do not know what this is and how to solve it makes the suicidal thots I am getting even worse. What is this thing and What should I do? this thing keeps lowering my happiness levels and IDK what it is | Suicidal |
Sorry, my English is pretty bad.. I just broke up with my boyfriend, bc a therapist said, i have Bpd. And I have lost everything and every goals and plans a had in my life.I have lost my job. I started learning to get my driving license, but i had to stop it. I have lost my 'friends' (mostly my bf's friends). I have lost him, and our cats, and also my goals and plans about learning to get better job, plans of marrying him, having kids, getting old together.We lived together in a house, so i had to move back to my grandparents. But they do not like I am here. They do not even care what is up with me.I really lost every of my hope to live. My 'friends' still telling me to move on, and stuff, but I just cannot live like this. I am not strong enough.Idk what should i do....Pls do not be mean with me. I want to kill myself bc I feel like I have lost everything | Suicidal |
Hi,I cannot sleep because I miss my dog, so I am writing to keep my mind occupied. Here is a little background about me. I have never been popular with women. I do not know why, but they typically do not find something about me attractive. I am not hideous, and I do not think I am an unattractive person. I treat people with kindness, and I am not socially awkward but for whatever reason, I have never had much luck with women. I have had a few successes with women that did not work out. When I was younger, it did not really bother me because I figured I would eventually meet someone. Now, I am 40 and it is impossible. I had accepted the fact that it was not going to happen a couple of years ago. Sure, I did not want that outcome, but I made peace with it. I have always loved dogs. They are truly are the best creatures on the planet. A couple of years ago, I took my savings that had been saved over several years of working and bought a house. It was a nice comfortable modest house with a nice yard and I adopted a beautiful dog. he is so sweet and loving. He is my best friend. I was still sad about not having a significant other in my life, but hey. I at least had my dog. Then I made the biggest career mistake I have ever made and left a good company for more money (and perceived security) because the economy was not doing well. That job was terrible, and I suffered from depression and anxiety about it. I was unable to find another job that paid well in that city and now I am in one of the largest cities in the country. it is a fine city, but impossible to own an actual single family home with a yard. Everyone lives in apartments and condos. I do not have a problem with it, but the dense urban environment was not good for my young and large dog. He was so used to being able to chase squirrels and run around our yard. He was so happy. I held out home that my company would allow me to work remotely because we had been doing it successfully so I could move back and buy a house for my dog. Sadly, they are going to require us to return to the office, and I knew then that I would not be able to afford a house for my dog. He was really is miserable in my apartment. We went on walks a lot, but there is very minimal green space here and his entire personality changed. He went from being happy all of the time to being sad. I made the difficult decision to rehome him this weekend. he is back in the city we came from with a nice and loving family that has a beautiful house with a yard. He instantly lit up when he saw the yard and took off running and playing. I knew it was the best decision for him, but I miss him so much. He really was the only reason my life is worth living. Not having my dog is not the only reason I am depressed. I have been lonely for a long time, but my dog was literally the only reason I smiled at all. To be honest, I would have probably killed myself had it not been for having him. Now, I find myself in this apartment alone and looking at pictures of my dog playing in my old yard and thinking about what I lost due to my mistake of leaving that job. The hard part is knowing I will never get that back. Because I just recently started this new job, I cannot really leave without screwing up my resume. it is not a bad company. it is actually a good job, but I do not understand why they will not allow me to work remotely. That being said, it is not my company, so it is what it is. I just really miss my dog. He was really the only good thing in my life. I am giving myself 3 months to allow time to hopefully have this feeling pass. I doubt it will because I have struggled with it for years, but I still have some hope that my life might change. Maybe I will meet my dream woman on the subway to work tomorrow? Maybe my company will allow me to work remotely and then my new special someone and I can move, buy a house and have dogs. that is really all I want. it is amazing how even something minor like that seems impossible, but that is all I really want. I will start this week putting my financial affairs in order like a will, etc and try to enjoy the next few months to the extent possible. I have a camping trip with my dogs new family in about a month where I will get to day goodbye to my dog. I truly home something changes in the next few months. What I have learned is that I do not really want to die. I just want a life that I cannot have. And not having that life means my future will be lonely and miserable. Short of something miraculous happening in the next few months, I will be gone. I just hope people will remember me well. I am not perfect, but I hope I am remembered as a nice person that loves animals. Rehomed my dog in preparation. | Suicidal |
Not you not one Not one god damn person on this earth gives a shit if I live or die | Suicidal |
I make risky decisions and moves just to feel something. I feel like nothing I do matters, the impact I have on people, the impact other people have on me. I know I am going to end up killing myself, why should I have to pretend like I care what the world around me will be like when I am gone Everything feels so fucking fake | Suicidal |
Its been awhile since I posted here. Years. I have been having some wild highs since then and occasional lows. I got to a point where I prided myself for the fact that suicide was no longer an option. This year has been insanely rough though. A lot of fucked up things have happened. For a moment I felt like I have finally found a way to maintain myself. Financially, mentally, and physically. I was very healthy, exercising and on top of my obligations. The pandemic slowly stripped away a lot of that, as I was forced to find a new routine, and new work. Met with the same endless cycle I once was.I started getting known through the online gaming through a friend who is found success there. I kind of threw myself into these communities as I was feeling lost and it felt as if they gave me support, and laughs. Fast forward a bit and I end up streaming myself, with a lot of support off the bat.Its been about 5 months now, and I find myself with a very active community who is very loving and supportive of not just myself but all of us. I could not be more proud. My friends are the best. However, as someone who is suffered with depression and suicidal tendencies most of my life I have been feeling quite a lot of pressure to maintain this community. I have been lucky enough to make a living off of it , nothing astronomical but enough to have the freedom of working for myself, which I prioritized as a means to continue growing. Even if I am struggling.The last couple months have been exceptionally difficult though. I have began drinking heavily at times, I mean 5 days a week. I told my moderators about this and explained to them why my schedule has been inconsistent, they responded with love and support and I promised them Id correct it and prioritize what we have built. Its been about 5 days since then, I have not drank at all but I have been feeling mega depressed. Suicidal thoughts keep popping up and I am feeling exhausted all the time. I could not imagine the impact something like that would because not in just my community but the platform itself. I feel very selfish. But no one knows the true extent of what I have went through and why Id want to do this. I do not want to hurt anyone but I have been truly debating driving my car off one of the beautiful cliffs and moving on. Suicidal thoughts while having having nothing but love and support from my online community | Suicidal |
Now I am in a really dark place. Admitting it to you guys helps. I know a lot of what I fear never comes to fruition. Family is mean? So what I live alone. Neighbours are not perfect? Neither am I. We try our best. Fear of confrontation? Even Superman Gears kryptonite. He can stop flipping trains. I hate people? So, I just chat online. I am still here and less drama free. Everything I fear is vague and in the future. A fear triggered by a couple of steps back. Anyway, I feel better getting that out of the way. If anyone wants to talk: drop a line. Thanks for listening ;) I have not been suicidal for over a year... but | Suicidal |
Since I(31) have been born, I failed in establishing myself successfully in lifes most important factors (at least for my health): work, friendship, and love. Despite learning more than the average student, I always wrote bad grades. I barely passed high school. Beside that I was always mocked in school. I do not recall having one friend. I remember being always nice to people, but somehow, they found me boring. One time I managed to get invited to a new years eve party. When I showed up at the location agreed, nobody was there. I later found out, that they tricked me for fun in to showing up despite they do not want to hang out with me. This is one example of dozens being mocked by my peers.However, I managed to survive school without friends and started motivated into my twenties. I worked my ass off to save up money for college, since its basically impossible to get a good job without a college degree where I live. At 25 I had saved up enough money to finance this. Like in school I could not manage to write good enough exams to stay in college. Within four/five years I failed twice my classes, which led to dropping out of college after five years, since I could not finance it anymore. The only job I could find now, was a minimum wage position. I am doing over hours as a cashier at a fast food chain to make ends meet. This situation drives me insane. I worked many years to save for college to just lost all money I had and get nothing back in return. Besides that and never having many friends, I never experienced the slightest amount of romantical intimacy. Because of that I suffer from a terrific lack in this basic need. The worst thing about this, is knowing that the reason for my chronical rejection. I am just that unattractive. Why: I have basically tried everything to make a date happen over the last decade. I signed up on multiple dating sites, I asked out women directly, I joined single meetups. Nothing worked. Almost every women rejected me. That a woman once showed interest in me, never happened. Like every lack in a need, this lack starts to affect my mental resp. physical health negatively. The longer I have been rejected the more I suffered from symptom of this involuntary celibacy. I suffer from panic attacks, insomnia, depression and so on.And I know these symptoms occur because of this situation because whenever I made a small progress in this need like having a date or being touched in this context by a woman, these symptoms disappeared. Beside the obvious things like sex, kisses or relationships, I miss out all the social encounters within dating, since I am already getting cut off for a date. I never talk to a women, I never get messaged, I can never message a women. Here I am. With nothing and nobody. Poor. Sick. Every women rejects me. I do not know how I should continue living this life without anything of these things. I am going insane. I am basically the man no women wants. How can I accept that? People complained about not being able to date during covid. I am living this Nightmare for 31 years. What should I do mean? When nothing in life turns out right | Suicidal |
I inch closer every single day to ending my life, I hate the thoughts I get in my head. I have proved that I am an awful person and my past haunts me. I am so sorry for those I have hurt in the past, no amount of forgiveness will ever excuse my terrible actions and that is why I feel like there is only one way out. One way to make things right, I cannot live with what I have done and I cannot take it back. Whenever I try to move forward and leave my past behind I cannot, it stops me in my tracks and reminds me that I am still a bad person. To my family, friends and loved ones, I am sorry for the scum that I have become, I am just sorry in general, I cannot change I have tried, I have to kill myself I think its probably the only way. I am sorry | Suicidal |
How am I supposed to explicate something so deep in my brain and thoughts in another language?The solution is to be laconic and concise: I do not find a meaning to life and I do not want to have anything to do with it.I try so hard, really. I am studying to get into university, working out, eating healthy, trying to be useful to society by minding my own business and be kind.But it does not work. there is nothing. Nothing. I wake up every morning with the same question "why am I doing this? what is forcing me to endure this for years and years?" A future shitty job to the yoke of someone else that has no respect or care for my person, a potential partner that could never fulfill the intrinsic loneliness of a human being with the only goal to comply with the "selfish gene" and carry out our biological function. Then what, am I left to bet if my darwinian fitness is good?Funny enough, getting old and weak is the only thing that I accept. But the chapters in the middle of the novel scare me.I blame my parents every single day for being compliant with our nature, our essence. And I always ask myself "what goes through the mind of someone that is experiencing what I am experiencing and decide to procreate nevertheless?" I might be exaggerating but I assert, to the risk of irritating the majority of you, that every human that act like this is a criminal, no different from a thief or a killer.Sometimes I am tempted to stop taking my benzos cold turkey to see if a heart attack can solve my problems, but who knows . . .If you are still reading, sorry. there is no good ending to this convoluted show of words with probably horrible grammar . . . Best of luck to you, my friend. How do I deal with anhedonia and existential nihilism daily? | Suicidal |
I almost feel disturbed that I am excited I finally have a solid plan in place, I am so done, do not feel bad for me... do not tell me it gets better, I am ready to go, and though I am sorry for anyone who feels the same way I do I hope you find peace no matter the outcome finally have a plan | Suicidal |
Every one of my symptoms is completely real. None of my suffering is faked. In fact, I have not told anyone how bad I am, at most, some know little of it.that is why I feel bad for wanting to "get attention". Sometimes I feel like slitting my wrists in front of everyone to make them realize I am not well. I just want to feel that someone is there for me, that someone cares about me. Is this so much to ask? To feel that someone really cares about me? (and I reiterate on the word "really").I am in pain, I am falling apart, I cannot take it anymore.Even my family does not care about me!So I repeat: it is TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR A FUCKING HUG?! OR FOR A SINCERE "are you ok?"?!I am A BAD PERSON FOR WANTING THIS?! Is it wrong to want to attract attention? | Suicidal |
I have always had suicidal ideation, perhaps, since my puberty. My mental health got worse and I finally got diagnosed with bipolar in my freshman year of college. I tried counseling, psychiatric drugs, etc. and none of them seems to help. Yes, they suppress my episodes, but the thoughts of dying never go away.I guess the fact that I got interested in social science in college and got into a study group in that regard, despite studying medicine, does not help either. I guess those school of thoughts saying that "existence is pain, life is meaningless" etc. does not do well for a suicidal person, eh? In this regard, damn do I wish I can be a devout Christian like my parents. They seem to hape some sort of hope in God throughout their life. Unfortunately, I just cannot do that.Studying medicine, in regards of my suicidal tendency, is a mixed bag. To some degree, it helps me prevent actually committing suicide. Knowing how painful the process can be, its failure rate, etc. I want to die, you know, and it has to be graceful. I do not want to die in pain, life is already painful. I already tried overdosing myself with benzos and failed, only to end up slurring some personal secrets (ie. my homosexuality, my sex activity, etc.) to my parents which stirrs up our relationship in a bad way. Nevertheless, on the other hand, I keep trying to find a perfect way of committing suicide with the knowledge I know: figuring out drugs' lethal doses, its toxicity characteristics, etc. It definitely does not help.As of now, I am currently under that spiral. I have been trying to find the perfect suicide method on the internet for the past two days. Finding means to die and orchestrating my hypothetical death. Maybe I am on my episode again; I do not know. I quit taking my prescribed drugs and going to psychiatrists for almost a year under my parents' pressure. Moreover, those drugs do not do well for me; the side effects are just unbearable. I am already considering admitting myself to psych ward at this point, but as I am currently escaping from them and have no plan seeing them in the near future, I do not think it would do. Furthermore, my established hatred of psychiatric drugs and what not, to my thoughts, would only make things worse, no?I have no one else to ask for advice. All people I talk to has never really helped. Sure, they do care about me to some extent, but they ended up only wanting to stop me from dying without even addressing what the problem is, which to me is only means of distancing themselves from the liability. Therefore, I would really love to hear your two cents from my story.For mods, I have tried reading this sub's rules and I do not know whether if this post breaks any of them. I am really sorry if it does. I do not wish anybody harm, I never do. *random title* | Suicidal |
LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!! | Suicidal |
Why does not my family care? Why did not they rally around me when my world collapsed and I was breaking down? They do not even ring and check in on me, and their only niece. They do not support or encourage me. How can I even call them family? Honestly, I feel betrayed. Cast aside. Ignored. Why did I have to be me? To be abandoned and betrayed by anyone I trusted? I truly wish for a fatal accident, or terminal illness to take me out. I would rejoice that soon this suffering and pain would end. I wish I could give all my years to my daughter and erase myself from her memory so she would never feel pain over me not being around.I hate this existence. I hate the way I am. I hate myself more than mere words can describe. Death will never come soon enough for me. I hope it does though, very soon. Why... | Suicidal |
Why should i stay alive? here is a thought without letting you know what my life is like, because i honestly have a hard time answering it, maybe someone who is out of the box can actually see better.This is not a random thought, this is a solid question I have had for some time. Why? Why should i | Suicidal |
Every night i fear sleeping caz when i lie down i think.. and all i can think is how to stop suffering.. anyone knows how to kill myself without too kuch pain.. i know its gna hurt my parents but i just do not see myself going anywhere in this life.. its a cursed birth, i keep failing, i never suceed, i just keep doing stuff in the day to forget abt this but now that i want to sleep.. i just want to never wakeup again... do not tell me ur it will get better thing... been 7 months.. nothing has gotten better.. only worse .. just keeps getting worse.. i just hope i do not wake up tomorrow ... Every night i feer sleeping | Suicidal |
should not it be? Do I deserve anything less than sheer senseless violence? Its what I desire anyway, I literally fantasize about how much it could hurt, how gruesome it could be if I wanted it to be. Even more agonizing than that though is spending another minute pretending that this life is just a gift. Want it to be painful | Suicidal |
I see them texting each other talking shit about me right next to me, and they screenshot my Snapchat story to show to each other and laugh at me over. My mom even shames me whenever I bring up food or eating. I know they would not care if I was gone. They used to be all I have, now they are just against me. I am stuck on a vacation with them right now and I have no way of escaping except the bottles of meds in my suitcase My family all hate me | Suicidal |
Right now everything is fine in my life but I am feeling the urge to finish it, its like anything will be better than this, will be really hard to stay positive like I am doing right now.The thing is I am immerse in to my own damn lies into the reality i just created to me and the others around me.I do not understand who i am and I am getting damn tired about it, feeling the urge to take some pills and end it all, but if i fail again i will be put into a mental facility and will loose more than i will ever have.I need some advice. Might be the down | Suicidal |
I have made my mind up I am doing this, I do not know hot to say goodbye tho and I do not want to hurt people I feel like I am being so selfish but I just cannot keep living anymore its too much how do I say goodbye I am done | Suicidal |
People here have much bigger struggles than me in life as to why they want to till themselves, mine is that I am going bald.I am 17, my dad, uncles, grandparents, and even great-grandparents all have the same hair they had in their 20s. I am fat and ugly already and my hair was the only source of confidence I had, now that is gone too. Everytime I look at the mirror I feel like crying, I am happier when I dream about being a completely different person. I already have low self esteem and no friends and this does not help my case at all.I do not even know why I am posting this I just wanted to talk to someone about it. My dermatologist said it was only temporary but I can see my hair looking thin in pictures going all the way back to 2019 when I was 15. If there was a way for me to kill myself tonight I would do it, I would just be happier dead. I am a selfish, vain piece of shit and want to die | Suicidal |