line
stringlengths 2
76
|
---|
a single instant all that time could believe in the carrying out of his
|
plans.
|
And, indeed, if it had ever happened that everything to the least point
|
could have been considered and finally settled, and no uncertainty of
|
any kind had remained, he would, it seems, have renounced it all
|
as something absurd, monstrous and impossible. But a whole mass of
|
unsettled points and uncertainties remained. As for getting the axe,
|
that trifling business cost him no anxiety, for nothing could be easier.
|
Nastasya was continually out of the house, especially in the evenings;
|
she would run in to the neighbours or to a shop, and always left the
|
door ajar. It was the one thing the landlady was always scolding her
|
about. And so, when the time came, he would only have to go quietly into
|
the kitchen and to take the axe, and an hour later (when everything
|
was over) go in and put it back again. But these were doubtful points.
|
Supposing he returned an hour later to put it back, and Nastasya had
|
come back and was on the spot. He would of course have to go by and wait
|
till she went out again. But supposing she were in the meantime to miss
|
the axe, look for it, make an outcry--that would mean suspicion or at
|
least grounds for suspicion.
|
But those were all trifles which he had not even begun to consider, and
|
indeed he had no time. He was thinking of the chief point, and put off
|
trifling details, until _he could believe in it all_. But that seemed
|
utterly unattainable. So it seemed to himself at least. He could not
|
imagine, for instance, that he would sometime leave off thinking, get
|
up and simply go there.... Even his late experiment (i.e. his visit with
|
the object of a final survey of the place) was simply an attempt at
|
an experiment, far from being the real thing, as though one should say
|
“come, let us go and try it--why dream about it!”--and at once he
|
had broken down and had run away cursing, in a frenzy with himself.
|
Meanwhile it would seem, as regards the moral question, that his
|
analysis was complete; his casuistry had become keen as a razor, and he
|
could not find rational objections in himself. But in the last resort
|
he simply ceased to believe in himself, and doggedly, slavishly sought
|
arguments in all directions, fumbling for them, as though someone were
|
forcing and drawing him to it.
|
At first--long before indeed--he had been much occupied with one
|
question; why almost all crimes are so badly concealed and so easily
|
detected, and why almost all criminals leave such obvious traces? He
|
had come gradually to many different and curious conclusions, and in his
|
opinion the chief reason lay not so much in the material impossibility
|
of concealing the crime, as in the criminal himself. Almost every
|
criminal is subject to a failure of will and reasoning power by a
|
childish and phenomenal heedlessness, at the very instant when prudence
|
and caution are most essential. It was his conviction that this eclipse
|
of reason and failure of will power attacked a man like a disease,
|
developed gradually and reached its highest point just before the
|
perpetration of the crime, continued with equal violence at the moment
|
of the crime and for longer or shorter time after, according to the
|
individual case, and then passed off like any other disease. The
|
question whether the disease gives rise to the crime, or whether the
|
crime from its own peculiar nature is always accompanied by something of
|
the nature of disease, he did not yet feel able to decide.
|
When he reached these conclusions, he decided that in his own case there
|
could not be such a morbid reaction, that his reason and will would
|
remain unimpaired at the time of carrying out his design, for the
|
simple reason that his design was “not a crime....” We will omit all the
|
process by means of which he arrived at this last conclusion; we have
|
run too far ahead already.... We may add only that the practical, purely
|
material difficulties of the affair occupied a secondary position in his
|
mind. “One has but to keep all one’s will-power and reason to deal
|
with them, and they will all be overcome at the time when once one has
|
familiarised oneself with the minutest details of the business....” But
|
this preparation had never been begun. His final decisions were what he
|
came to trust least, and when the hour struck, it all came to pass quite
|
differently, as it were accidentally and unexpectedly.
|
One trifling circumstance upset his calculations, before he had even
|
left the staircase. When he reached the landlady’s kitchen, the door
|
of which was open as usual, he glanced cautiously in to see whether, in
|
Nastasya’s absence, the landlady herself was there, or if not, whether
|
the door to her own room was closed, so that she might not peep out when
|
he went in for the axe. But what was his amazement when he suddenly
|
saw that Nastasya was not only at home in the kitchen, but was occupied
|
there, taking linen out of a basket and hanging it on a line. Seeing
|
him, she left off hanging the clothes, turned to him and stared at him
|
all the time he was passing. He turned away his eyes, and walked past as
|
though he noticed nothing. But it was the end of everything; he had not
|
the axe! He was overwhelmed.
|
“What made me think,” he reflected, as he went under the gateway, “what
|
made me think that she would be sure not to be at home at that moment!
|
Why, why, why did I assume this so certainly?”
|
He was crushed and even humiliated. He could have laughed at himself in
|
his anger.... A dull animal rage boiled within him.
|
He stood hesitating in the gateway. To go into the street, to go a walk
|
for appearance’ sake was revolting; to go back to his room, even more
|
revolting. “And what a chance I have lost for ever!” he muttered,
|
standing aimlessly in the gateway, just opposite the porter’s little
|
dark room, which was also open. Suddenly he started. From the porter’s
|
room, two paces away from him, something shining under the bench to the
|
right caught his eye.... He looked about him--nobody. He approached the
|
room on tiptoe, went down two steps into it and in a faint voice called
|
the porter. “Yes, not at home! Somewhere near though, in the yard, for
|
the door is wide open.” He dashed to the axe (it was an axe) and pulled
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.