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perhaps, crimes he had still to overcome or to commit, to get out of
|
that place and to make his way home, it is very possible that he would
|
have flung up everything, and would have gone to give himself up, and
|
not from fear, but from simple horror and loathing of what he had
|
done. The feeling of loathing especially surged up within him and grew
|
stronger every minute. He would not now have gone to the box or even
|
into the room for anything in the world.
|
But a sort of blankness, even dreaminess, had begun by degrees to take
|
possession of him; at moments he forgot himself, or rather, forgot what
|
was of importance, and caught at trifles. Glancing, however, into the
|
kitchen and seeing a bucket half full of water on a bench, he bethought
|
him of washing his hands and the axe. His hands were sticky with blood.
|
He dropped the axe with the blade in the water, snatched a piece of soap
|
that lay in a broken saucer on the window, and began washing his hands
|
in the bucket. When they were clean, he took out the axe, washed the
|
blade and spent a long time, about three minutes, washing the wood where
|
there were spots of blood rubbing them with soap. Then he wiped it all
|
with some linen that was hanging to dry on a line in the kitchen and
|
then he was a long while attentively examining the axe at the window.
|
There was no trace left on it, only the wood was still damp. He
|
carefully hung the axe in the noose under his coat. Then as far as was
|
possible, in the dim light in the kitchen, he looked over his overcoat,
|
his trousers and his boots. At the first glance there seemed to be
|
nothing but stains on the boots. He wetted the rag and rubbed the boots.
|
But he knew he was not looking thoroughly, that there might be something
|
quite noticeable that he was overlooking. He stood in the middle of the
|
room, lost in thought. Dark agonising ideas rose in his mind--the idea
|
that he was mad and that at that moment he was incapable of reasoning,
|
of protecting himself, that he ought perhaps to be doing something
|
utterly different from what he was now doing. “Good God!” he muttered “I
|
must fly, fly,” and he rushed into the entry. But here a shock of terror
|
awaited him such as he had never known before.
|
He stood and gazed and could not believe his eyes: the door, the outer
|
door from the stairs, at which he had not long before waited and rung,
|
was standing unfastened and at least six inches open. No lock, no bolt,
|
all the time, all that time! The old woman had not shut it after him
|
perhaps as a precaution. But, good God! Why, he had seen Lizaveta
|
afterwards! And how could he, how could he have failed to reflect that
|
she must have come in somehow! She could not have come through the wall!
|
He dashed to the door and fastened the latch.
|
“But no, the wrong thing again! I must get away, get away....”
|
He unfastened the latch, opened the door and began listening on the
|
staircase.
|
He listened a long time. Somewhere far away, it might be in the gateway,
|
two voices were loudly and shrilly shouting, quarrelling and scolding.
|
“What are they about?” He waited patiently. At last all was still, as
|
though suddenly cut off; they had separated. He was meaning to go out,
|
but suddenly, on the floor below, a door was noisily opened and someone
|
began going downstairs humming a tune. “How is it they all make such
|
a noise?” flashed through his mind. Once more he closed the door and
|
waited. At last all was still, not a soul stirring. He was just taking a
|
step towards the stairs when he heard fresh footsteps.
|
The steps sounded very far off, at the very bottom of the stairs, but
|
he remembered quite clearly and distinctly that from the first sound he
|
began for some reason to suspect that this was someone coming _there_,
|
to the fourth floor, to the old woman. Why? Were the sounds somehow
|
peculiar, significant? The steps were heavy, even and unhurried. Now
|
_he_ had passed the first floor, now he was mounting higher, it was
|
growing more and more distinct! He could hear his heavy breathing. And
|
now the third storey had been reached. Coming here! And it seemed to
|
him all at once that he was turned to stone, that it was like a dream
|
in which one is being pursued, nearly caught and will be killed, and is
|
rooted to the spot and cannot even move one’s arms.
|
At last when the unknown was mounting to the fourth floor, he suddenly
|
started, and succeeded in slipping neatly and quickly back into the
|
flat and closing the door behind him. Then he took the hook and softly,
|
noiselessly, fixed it in the catch. Instinct helped him. When he had
|
done this, he crouched holding his breath, by the door. The unknown
|
visitor was by now also at the door. They were now standing opposite one
|
another, as he had just before been standing with the old woman, when
|
the door divided them and he was listening.
|
The visitor panted several times. “He must be a big, fat man,” thought
|
Raskolnikov, squeezing the axe in his hand. It seemed like a dream
|
indeed. The visitor took hold of the bell and rang it loudly.
|
As soon as the tin bell tinkled, Raskolnikov seemed to be aware of
|
something moving in the room. For some seconds he listened quite
|
seriously. The unknown rang again, waited and suddenly tugged violently
|
and impatiently at the handle of the door. Raskolnikov gazed in horror
|
at the hook shaking in its fastening, and in blank terror expected every
|
minute that the fastening would be pulled out. It certainly did seem
|
possible, so violently was he shaking it. He was tempted to hold the
|
fastening, but _he_ might be aware of it. A giddiness came over him
|
again. “I shall fall down!” flashed through his mind, but the unknown
|
began to speak and he recovered himself at once.
|
“What’s up? Are they asleep or murdered? D-damn them!” he bawled in a
|
thick voice, “Hey, Alyona Ivanovna, old witch! Lizaveta Ivanovna, hey,
|
my beauty! open the door! Oh, damn them! Are they asleep or what?”
|
And again, enraged, he tugged with all his might a dozen times at
|
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